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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/20904-8.txt b/20904-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2390de4 --- /dev/null +++ b/20904-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7678 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Right Stuff, by Ian Hay + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Right Stuff + Some Episodes in the Career of a North Briton + +Author: Ian Hay + +Release Date: March 25, 2007 [EBook #20904] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE RIGHT STUFF *** + + + + +Produced by LM Bornath + + + + + +"The Right Stuff" + + +Some Episodes in the Career of a North Briton + + +BY + +IAN HAY + + + +DR JOHNSON. Oatmeal, sir? The food of horses in England and of men in +Scotland! + +BOSWELL (_roused at last_). And where, sir, will you find such +horses--or such men? + + + +_SHILLING EDITION_ + + + +William Blackwood & Sons +Edinburgh and London +1912 + + + + +_TO_ + +_AN INDULGENT CRITIC_ + + + + +CONTENTS. + + +BOOK ONE. + +RAW MATERIAL. + + +CHAP. + + I. "OATMEAL AND THE SHORTER CATECHISM" + II. INTRODUCES A PILLAR OF STATE AND THE APPURTENANCES THEREOF + III. "ANENT" + IV. A TRIAL TRIP + V. ROBIN ON DUTY + VI. ROBIN OFF DUTY + VII. A DISSOLUTION OF PARTNERSHIP + VIII. OF A PIT THAT WAS DIGGED, AND WHO FELL INTO IT + IX. THE POLICY OF THE CLOSED DOOR + X. ROBIN'S WAY OF DOING IT + + +BOOK TWO. + +THE FINISHED ARTICLE. + + + XI. A MISFIRE + XII. THE COMPLEAT ANGLER + XIII. A HOSTAGE TO FORTUNE + XIV. "TO DIE--WILL BE AN _AWFULLY_ BIG ADVENTURE" + XV. TWO BATTLES + XVI. "_QUI PERD, GAGNE_" + XVII. IN WHICH ALL'S RIGHT WITH THE WORLD + XVIII. A PROPHET IN HIS OWN COUNTRY + + + + +BOOK ONE. + +RAW MATERIAL. + + + + +CHAPTER ONE. + +OATMEAL AND THE SHORTER CATECHISM. + + +The first and most-serious-but-one ordeal in the life of Robert Chalmers +Fordyce--so Robert Chalmers himself informed me years afterwards--was +the examination for the Bursary which he gained at Edinburgh University. +A bursary is what an English undergraduate would call a "Schol." +(Imagine a Scottish student talking about a "Burse"!) + +Robert Chalmers Fordyce arrived in Edinburgh pretty evenly divided +between helpless stupefaction at the sight of a great city and stern +determination not to be imposed upon by the inhabitants thereof. His +fears were not as deep-seated as those of Tom Pinch on a similar +occasion,--he, it will be remembered, suffered severe qualms from his +familiarity with certain rural traditions concerning the composition of +London pies,--but he was far from happy. He had never slept away from +his native hillside before; he had never seen a town possessing more +than three thousand inhabitants; and he had only once travelled in a +train. + +Moreover, he was proceeding to an inquisition which would decide once +and for all whether he was to go forth and conquer the world with a +university education behind him, or go back to the plough and sup +porridge for the rest of his life. To-morrow he was to have his +opportunity, and the consideration of how that opportunity could best be +gripped and brought to the ground blinded Robin even to the wonders of +the Forth Bridge. + +He sat in the corner of the railway carriage, passing in review the +means of conquest at his disposal. His actual stock of scholarship, he +knew, was well up to the required standard: he was as letter perfect in +Latin, Greek, Mathematics, and Literature as hard study and remorseless +coaching could make him. Everything needful was in his head--but could +he get it out again? That was the question. The roaring world in which +he would find himself, the strange examination-room, the quizzing +professors--would these combine with his native shyness to seal the lips +and cramp the pen of Robert Chalmers Fordyce? No--a thousand times no! +He would win through! Robert set his teeth, braced himself, and kicked +the man opposite. + +He apologised, attributing the discourtesy to the length of his legs--he +stood about six feet three--and smiled so largely and benignantly, that +the Man Opposite, who had intended to be thoroughly disagreeable, melted +at once, and said it was the fault of the Company for providing such +restricted accommodation, and gave Robert _The Scotsman_ to read. + +Robert thanked him, and, effacing himself behind _The Scotsman_,--though, +for all the instruction or edification that his present frame of mind +permitted him to extract from that coping-stone of Scottish journalism, +he might as well have been reading the Koran,--returned to his thoughts. +He collated in his mind the pieces of advice which had been bestowed +upon him by his elders and betters before his departure. In brief, +their collective wisdom came to this:-- + +His father had bidden him-- + +(a) To address all professors with whom he might come in contact as + "Sir"; + +(b) To arrive at the Examination each morning at least five minutes + before the advertised time; + +(c) To refrain from lending money to, or otherwise countenancing the + advances of, persons of insinuating address who would doubtless + accost him in the streets of Edinburgh. + +The Dominie had said-- + +"When in doubt, mind that practically everything in an examination +governs the subjunctive. + +"If there is a _viva voce_, be sure and speak up and give your answers +as though you were sure of them. They may be wrong, but on the other +hand they may be right. Anyway, the one thing the examiners will not +thole is a body that dithers. + +"Take a last keek at that Proposition--they _may_ call them Theorems, +though--about the Square on the Hypotenuse. It hasn't been set for four +years. + +"If you are given a piece of Greek Testament to translate, for mercy's +sake do not be too glib. Dinna translate a thing until you are sure it +is there. They have an unholy habit of leaving out a couple of verses +some place in the middle, and you're just the one to tumble head-first +into the _lacuna_. (I ken ye, Robbie!) + +"And whatever ye do, just bear in mind it's your only chance, and _grup_ +on tae it! _Post est occasio calva_, laddie! And dinna disappoint an +auld man that has taught ye all he kens himsel'!" + +Much of his mother's advice was of a kind that could not be expressed so +concisely, but two salient items remained fixed in Robert's mind:-- + +"If ye canna think o' the richt word, pit up a bit prayer. + +"For ony sake see that your collar is speckless a' the time." + +Robert's first impressions of Edinburgh were disappointing. Though +extensive enough, the city was not so great or so imposing as he had +expected. It was entirely roofed with glass,--a provision which, though +doubtless advantageous in wet weather, militated against an adequate +supply of sunlight and fresh air. The shops, of which Robin had heard so +much, were few in number; and the goods displayed therein (mainly food +and drink, newspapers and tobacco) compared unfavourably in point of +variety with those in the window of Malcolm M'Whiston, the "merchant" at +home. The inhabitants all appeared to be in a desperate hurry, and the +noise of the trains, which blocked every thoroughfare, was deafening. +Robert Chalmers was just beginning to feel thoroughly disappointed with +the Scottish capital, when it occurred to him to mount a flight of +stairs which presented itself to his view and gave promise of a second +storey at least. When he reached the top he found he had judged +Edinburgh too hastily. There was some more of it. + +His horizon thus suddenly enlarged, Robert Chalmers Fordyce began to +take in his surroundings. He now found himself in a great street, with +imposing buildings on one side and a green valley on the other. On the +far side of the valley the ground ran steeply upward to an eminence +crowded thickly with houses and topped by a mighty castle. + +The street was alive with all sorts of absorbingly interesting traffic; +but for the present Robert was chiefly concerned with the Cable Cars. It +was upon one of these majestic vehicles, which moved down the street +unassisted by any apparent human or equine agency, that he had been +bidden to ride to his destination. He was not to take the first that +came along, nor yet the second--they went to various places, it seemed; +and if you were taken to the wrong one you had to pay just the same--but +was to scan them until he espied one marked "Gorgie." This would carry +him down the Dalry Road, and would ultimately pass the residence of +Elspeth M'Kerrow, a decent widow woman, whose late husband's brother had +"married on" a connection of Robert's mother. Here he was to lodge. + +At first sight the cars appeared to be labelled with nothing but Cocoa +and Whisky and Empire Palaces of Varieties Open Every Evening; but a +little perseverance discovered a narrow strip of valuable information +painted along the side of each car. The first that caught our friend's +eye was "Pilrig and Braid Hills Road." That would not do. Then came +another--"Murrayfield, Haymarket, and Nether Liberton." Another blank! +Then, "Marchmont Road and Churchill." Foiled again, Robert was beginning +to feel a little sceptical as to the actual existence of the Dalry Road, +when a car drew up opposite to him labelled "Pilrig and Gorgie." It was +going in the right direction too, for his father had warned him that his +destination lay to the west of the town; and you can trust a Scotsman to +know the points of the compass with his eyes shut. (They even talk of a +man sitting on the north or south side of his own fireplace.) + +Robert clambered on to the top of this car, and presently found himself +confronted by a gentleman--splendid in appearance but of homely +speech--who waved bundles of tickets in his face, and inquired tersely-- + +"Penny or tippeny? or transfair?" + +"I am seeking the Dalry Road," said Robert cautiously. + +"Which end o't?" + +"I couldna say." + +"Ca' it a penny," said the conductor. + +Robert, with the air of a man who has beaten down his opponent to the +lowest possible figure, produced the coin from his pocket. (It was just +as well that the man had not demanded a larger sum, for Robert's more +precious currency was concealed in a place only accessible to partial +disrobement.) The gorgeous man carelessly snapped a ticket out of one of +the bundles, and having first punched a hole in it with an ingenious +instrument that gave forth sounds of music, handed it to Robert in +exchange for the penny. He was a saturnine man, but he smiled a little +later when Robert, mindful of the fate of his railway-ticket at the last +station but one, airily attempted to give up his car-ticket in similar +fashion on alighting at the end of the journey. + +The greater part of the next four days was spent by our friend in an +examination-room, into which we, more fortunate, need not attempt to +follow him. Robert diligently answered every question, writing at the +foot of each sheet of his neat manuscript, "More on the next page," in +case the examiner should be a careless fellow and imagine that Robert +had finished when he had not. Robert was not the man to leave anything +to chance, or to such unsafe abbreviations as P.T.O. + +Outside the examination-room he devoted most of the time that he could +spare from preparation for the next paper to a systematic exploration of +Edinburgh. He did the thing as thoroughly as possible, for he knew well +that he might never spend four days in a large town again. + +He began by climbing the Calton Hill. He remained at the summit quite a +long time, constructing a rough bird's-eye plan of the streets and +buildings below him; and having descended to earth, proceeded on a +series of voyages of discovery. + +He regarded the exterior of Parliament House with intense interest, for +he was a debater by instinct and upbringing. St Giles' he passed by +without enthusiasm--he was a member of the Free Kirk--and St Mary's +Cathedral struck him as being unduly magnificent to be the property of +such a small and pernicious sect as the Episcopalians. The Post Office +and other great buildings struck him dumb; and he hastened past the +theatres with averted eyes, for he had it upon unimpeachable authority +that the devil resided there. + +He knew no one in Edinburgh save Elspeth M'Kerrow. However, he made +another friend--to wit, one Hector MacPherson, a gigantic Highland +policeman, who controlled the traffic with incredible skill at a place +where several ways met. The said Hector stood beneath the shadow of a +great lamp-post, and whenever a vehicle drove past one side of him, +Hector relentlessly called it back and made it go on the other. Their +acquaintance began with the entire effacement of Robert's features by +the palm of Hector's hand, which was suddenly extended across the +thoroughfare for traffic-regulating purposes, with the result that +Robert, who was plunged in thought at the time, ran his nose right into +the centre of it. The ejaculation to which each gave vent at the moment +of impact revealed to both that they were from the same part of the +country, and thereafter Hector MacPherson became Robert's +adviser-in-chief throughout his stay in Edinburgh. Indeed, Robert used +Hector as the starting-point for all his excursions, and whenever he +became hopelessly lost in the wilds of the Grassmarket or the purlieus +of Morningside, he used to ask his way back to his mentor's pitch and +make a fresh start. We shall hear of Hector again. + +The foolhardy feat of entering a shop Robert did not attempt until his +very last day in Edinburgh, and then only because he was absolutely +compelled to do so by the necessity of executing a commission for his +sister Margaret--the purchase of half a yard of ribbon. + +It is true that the same ribbon could have been obtained at home from +Malcolm M'Whiston or a travelling packman, but Margaret was determined +to have it from Edinburgh; and she was particularly emphatic in her +injunctions to Robert to see that the folk in the shop stuck a label on +the parcel, "with their name printed on, and a picture of the shop and +a'." + +On Saturday morning, then, Robert approached the establishment which he +had chosen for the purpose. After a careful reconnaissance he discovered +that it possessed several doors. Here was a poser. Which would be the +ribbon door? Supposing he entered the wrong one and found himself +compelled to purchase a roll of muslin or a wash-hand-stand? With +natural acumen he finally selected a door flanked by windows containing +lace and ribbon; and waiting for a moment when the surging crowd was +thickest, attempted to slip in with them. He got safely past a hero in a +medal-sown uniform, but immediately after this encountered an imposing +gentleman in a frock-coat, who asked his pleasure. Robert inquired +respectfully if the gentleman kept ribbon. The gentleman said "Surely, +surely!" and Robert's modest requirements were thereupon sent ringing +from a throat of brass into the uttermost recesses of the establishment, +and he himself was passed, hot-faced, along the fairway until he reached +the right department. Here his tongue clove to the roof of his mouth, +and the siren behind the counter, with difficulty stifling her +amusement, was reduced to discovering his needs by a process of +elimination. + +"What will I show you?" + +No answer. + +"Ladies' gloves?" + +A shake of the head. + +"Handkerchiefs?" + +Another shake. + +"Stockings?" + +Another shake, accompanied by a deepening of complexion. + +"Well--ribbon?" + +"Aye, that's it," replied Robert, suddenly finding his voice (which, by +the way, rather resembled the Last Trump). "Hauf a yaird--one inch +wide--satin--cream!" he roared mechanically. + +He received the small parcel, and furtively fingering the money in his +pocket, asked the price. + +"Two-three, please," replied the damsel briskly. + +How Robert thanked his stars that he had some cash in hand! But what a +price! All that for a scrap of ribbon! It seemed sinful; but he laid two +shillings and threepence on the counter. Greatly to his alarm, the young +woman behind it, who up to this point had kept her feelings under +commendable control, suddenly collapsed like a punctured balloon on to +the shoulder of her nearest neighbour--there being no shop-walkers +about--and expressed a wish that she might be taken home and buried. +Finally she recovered sufficiently to push Robert's two shillings back +across the counter and to place his threepence in a mysterious +receptacle which she thrust into a hole in the wall, from which it was +ejected with much clatter a minute later; and on being opened proved to +contain what the dazed Robert at first took for a half-sovereign, but +which he ultimately discovered, when he had abandoned the still giggling +maiden and groped his way out into the street, to be a bright new +farthing. + +The same day he returned to his home; but he did not reach it without +one more adventure, a slight one, it is true, but not without its effect +upon his future. + +The train was over-full, and Robert ultimately found himself travelling +in company with nine other passengers, seven of whom were suffering from +that infirmity once poetically described by an expert in such diagnoses +as "a wee bit drappie in their een." The exception was a gentleman in +the far corner, accompanied by a most lovely young lady, upon whom +Robert gazed continuously with an admiration so absorbing and profound +that it took him some little time to realise, shortly after the +commencement of the journey, that the rest of the company were indulging +in a free fight all over the compartment, and that the lady was clinging +in terror to her escort. Robert was of considerable service in restoring +order, and found his reward in the eyes of the lady, who thanked him +very prettily. Her husband had the sense not to offer Robert money, but +gave him his card, and said in a curious, stiff, English way that he +hoped he might be of service to him some day. They got out at Perth, and +Robert travelled on alone. + +Hours later he was met by his brother David at a little wayside station, +and driven over fifteen miles of hilly road to the farm where he had +been born and brought up. + +Next morning he was up at daybreak, and set to work at his usual tasks +about the yard, well knowing that such would be his lot to the end of +his life if the examination list did not show his name at the top. + + * * * * * + +Some days had to elapse before the result could be known; but Robert +Chalmers Fordyce--by the way, I think we know him well enough now to +call him Robin, which was the name his mother had given him on his third +birthday--and his household, being Scottish and undemonstrative, made +little or no reference to the subject. + +Robin was the scholar of his family. He was the second son, David being +four years older. But in accordance with that simple, grand, and +patriarchal law of Scottish peasant life, which decrees that every lad +of parts shall be given his chance to bring credit on the family, even +though his parents have to pinch and save and his brothers bide at the +plough-tail all their lives in consequence--a law whose chief merit lies +in the splendid sacrifices which its faithful fulfilment involves, and +whose vital principle well-meaning but misguided philanthropy is now +endeavouring to dole out of existence--he had been sent to Edinburgh to +make the most of this, his one chance in life. + +Still, though the credit of the family hung upon the result of the +examination,--if he won the Bursary, the money, together with the +precious hoard which his father and mother had been accumulating for him +for ten years, would just suffice to keep him at the University,--no one +discussed the matter. It was in the hands of God, and prognostication +could only be vain and unprofitable. His mother and sister, indeed, +questioned him covertly when his father and brother were out of hearing; +but that was chiefly about Edinburgh, and the shops, and the splendours +of the Dalry Road. The Bursary was never mentioned. + +On the day on which the result was to be announced their father took +Robin and David away to a distant hillside to assist at the +sheep-dipping. The news would come by letter, which might or might not +get as far as Strathmyrtle Post Office, seven miles away, that very +afternoon. In the morning it would be delivered by the postman. + +But there are limits to human endurance, none the less definite because +that endurance appears illimitable. When father and sons tramped back to +the farm that evening, just in time for supper, it was discovered that +Margaret was absent. John Fordyce, grim old martinet that he was, looked +round the table inquiringly; but a glance at his wife's face caused him +to go on with his meal. + +At nine o'clock precisely the table was cleared. The herdman and two +farm lasses came into the kitchen from their final tasks in the yard, +and the great Bible was put down on the table for evening "worship." + +John Fordyce, having looked up the "portion" which he proposed to read, +then turned to the Metrical Psalms. These were sung night by night in +unswerving rotation throughout the year, a custom which, while it +offered the pleasing prospect of variety, occasionally left something to +be desired on the score of appropriateness. + +All being seated, the old man, after a final fleeting glance at his +daughter's empty chair, gave out the Psalm. + +"Let us worship God," he said, "by singing to His praise in the Hundred +and Twenty-first Psalm. Psalm a Hundred and Twenty-one-- + + 'I to the hills will lift mine eyes, + From whence doth come----'" + +The door opened, and Margaret entered. She was dusty and tired, for she +had walked fourteen miles since milking-time; but in her hand she held a +letter. + +She glanced timidly at the clock, and was for slipping quietly into her +seat; but her father said-- + +"You had best give it to him now. A man cannot worship God while his +mind is distracted with other things." + +Robin took the letter, and after a glance in the direction of his father +and the waiting Bible, opened and read it amidst a tense silence. +Finally he looked up. + +"Well?" said the old man. + +"They have given me the First Bursary, father," said Robin. + +No one spoke, but Robin saw tears running down his mother's face. John +Fordyce deliberately turned back several pages of the Bible. + +"We will sing," he said in a clear voice, "in the Twenty-third +Psalm--the whole of it!-- + + 'The Lord's my Shepherd, I'll not want----'" + + * * * * * + +The Psalms of David, as rendered into English verse by Nahum Tate and +others, are not remarkable for poetic merit; neither does the old +Scottish fashion of singing the same, seated and without accompaniment, +conduce to a concord of sweet sounds. But there are no tunes like old +tunes, and there are no hearts like full hearts. If ever a song went +straight up to heaven, the Twenty-third Psalm, borne up on the wings of +"Martyrdom," did so that night. + + + + +CHAPTER TWO. + +INTRODUCES A PILLAR OF STATE AND THE APPURTENANCES THEREOF. + + +The time had undoubtedly arrived when I must have a Private Secretary. + +Kitty, for one, insisted on it. She said that I was ruining my health in +the service of an ungrateful country, and added that she, personally, +declined to be left a widow at twenty-eight-and-a-half to oblige +anybody. + +"It is exactly the wrong age," she said. "If it had happened four or +five years ago, I could have done pretty well for myself. Now, I should +be out of the running among the _débutantes_, and a little too young and +flighty to suit a middle-aged bachelor." + +I may add that my wife does not often talk in this unfeeling manner. But +she suffers at times from a desire to live up to a sort of honorary +reputation for sprightly humour, conferred upon her by undiscriminating +admirers in the days before she became engaged to me. As a matter of +fact, her solicitude on my behalf was largely due to an ambition to see +a little paragraph in the newspapers, announcing that "Mr Adrian +Inglethwaite, M.P., Director of the Sub-Tropical and Arctic Department +at the Foreign Office, has appointed Mr Blankley Dash to be his Private +Secretary." + +Dolly and Dilly seconded the motion. They had not the effrontery to wrap +up their motives in specious expressions of concern for my health, but +stated their point of view with brutal frankness, as is their wont. I +was an old dear, they conceded, and of course Kitty was Kitty; but a +sister and brother-in-law were, to put it quite plainly, a hopelessly +dull couple to live with: and the visits of Mesdames Dolly and Dilly to +our roof-tree would, it was hinted, be more frequent and enduring if the +establishment was strengthened by the addition of a presentable young +man. + +I consented. It was three to one. To any one acquainted with the trio of +sisters arrayed against me, it will at once be apparent that "these +odds" (as the halfpenny papers say) "but faintly represent the +superiority of the winning side." + +Having thus dragged the reader without apology into the most intimate +regions of my family circle, I had perhaps better introduce myself and +my _entourage_ a little more formally. + +My name is Samuel Adrian Inglethwaite. Why I was called Samuel I do not +know. Possibly my parents did. Samuel may have been a baptismal sprat +set to catch a testamentary whale, but if this was so no legacy ever +came my way. Personally, I am rather attached to the name, as I was +called nothing else until I encountered the lady who ultimately +consented to become Mrs Inglethwaite. Since that epoch in my career I +have been S. Adrian Inglethwaite. + +I am thirty-six years of age, and hold an appointment under Government, +which, while it does not carry with it Cabinet rank--though Kitty cannot +see why--is sufficiently important to make the daily papers keep my +obituary notice handily pigeon-holed, in case I fall over the Thames +Embankment, get run over by a motor-bus, or otherwise contravene the +by-laws of the London County Council. + +As no man can possibly give an unbiassed opinion of his own wife, I +shall not attempt to describe mine at this juncture, except to mention +that she is a woman with no fault that I can for the moment recall, +beyond a predilection for belonging to societies which are better known +for their aims than for their achievements, are perennially short of +funds, and seem to possess no place of meeting except my drawing-room. + +Dolly and Dilly are Kitty's sisters. They are twins, and there present +age is, I think, nineteen. Though I say it who should not, they are both +astonishingly attractive young persons, and the more I see of them the +more the fact is borne in upon me. Indeed, a casual remark of mine to +that effect, uttered to my wife, by an unfortunate coincidence, on the +very morning upon which one of the numerous Deceased Wife's Sister's +Bills passed its Second Reading in the House, gave rise to a coldness of +demeanour on her part which was only dispelled by an abject apology and +a dinner for two at the Savoy on mine. + +To return to Dolly and Dilly. I never know them apart, and I do not +think Kitty does either. Both are divinely tall and divinely fair; they +are exactly like each other in form, voice, and feature; and they +possess the irritating habit, not uncommon with twins, of endeavouring +to exaggerate their natural resemblance by various puzzling and, I +consider, unsportsmanlike devices. They wear each other's clothes +indiscriminately, and are not above taking turn and turn about with the +affections of unsuspecting young men, of whom they possess a +considerable following. They attract admiration without effort, and, I +honestly believe, without intention. Of the meaning of love they know +nothing,--they are female Peter Pans, and resolutely refuse to grow up, +except outwardly,--and the intrusion of that passion into their dealings +with persons of the male gender is regarded by them at present as a +contingency to be discouraged at all costs. The conditions under which +they admit their admirers to their friendship are commendably simple and +perfectly definite. If a man is adjudged by them to have attained all +the complicated and inexplicable standards by which women judge the +opposite sex, he is admitted into the ranks of the Good Sorts; and as +such, provided that he keeps his head, has an extremely pleasant time of +it. If, however, any obtuse and amorous youth persists in mistaking what +Nanki-Poo once described as "customary expressions of affability" for an +indication that his infatuation is reciprocated, the Twins act promptly. +They have "no use" for such creatures, they once explained to me; and +they proceed to rid themselves of the incubus in a fashion entirely +their own. + +As soon as the pressure of the _affaire_ rises to danger-point--_i.e._, +when the youth begins to pay markedly more attention to one Twin than +the other--he is asked, say, to lunch. Here he is made much of by the +object of his affections, who looks radiant in, let us say, white +_batiste_; while the unemployed Twin, in (possibly) blue poplin, holds +discreetly aloof. After lunch the Twins, leaving their victim to smoke a +cigar, retire swiftly to their room, where they exchange costumes, and +descend again to the drawing-room. There Dolly, now arrayed in white +_batiste_, enters upon the path of dalliance where Dilly left off; and +Dilly, relieved from duty, crochets in a window-recess, and silently +enjoys her sister's impersonation. + +One of two things happens. Romeo either does not notice the difference, +or else he does. If he does not, he continues to flounder heavily along +in pursuit of the well-beloved, oblivious of the fact that he is wasting +his efforts on an understudy. After an appropriate interval the cold +truth is revealed to him in a hysterical duet, and he goes home, glaring +defiantly, but feeling an entire and unmitigated ass. + +Or he may actually recognise that Dilly has been replaced by +Dolly,--this is what happens when the case is a really serious one,--and +if this occurs he is more sorrowful than angry, poor fellow, for he sees +that he is being trifled with; and your true lover is the most +desperately earnest person in the world. In either case the _affaire_ +terminates then and there. And that is how my sisters-in-law, with +adroitness and despatch, return immature and undesirable suitors to +their native element. The whole proceeding reminds me irresistibly of +the Undersized Fish Bill, a measure whose progress I once assisted in +its course through a Committee of the House. + +However, having been bidden to procure a Private Secretary, I meekly set +about looking for one. One night at dinner we held a symposium on the +subject, and endeavoured to evolve an outline of the kind of gentleman +who was likely to suit us. The following is a _précis_ of the result. I +leave the intelligent reader to trace each item to its author; also the +various parenthetical comments on the same:-- + +(a) He must be a 'Varsity man. + +(b) He must be able to keep accounts, and transact business generally. + +(c) He must be content with a salary of two hundred a-year, with + board and residence in the house. ("He can have that little + room off the library for a sitting-room, dear, and sleep in + the old night-nursery.") + +(d) He must not wear celluloid collars or made-up ties. ("But he'll + _have_ to, poor dear, if the Infant Samuel only gives him two + hundred a-year.") + +(e) He must be prepared to run through my speeches before I deliver + them. ("I suppose that means _write_ them!"), look up my + subject-matter, verify my references, and so on. ("That _will_ + be an improvement. But what will the halfpenny papers do then, + poor things?") + +(f) He must be the sort of man that one can have in to a dinner-party + without any fear of accidents. ("Yes. He _must_ be all right about + peas, asparagus, and liqueurs. _And_ finger-bowls, dearest. You + remember the man who drank out of his at that queer political + dinner to the constituents?") + +(g) He must be nice to my Philly. + +(h) He must be dark. ("Pshaw!") + +(i) He must be fair. ("Ugh!") + +(j) He must be able to waltz and play bridge. + +At this point I suggested that a prepaid telegram to the Celestial +Regions would alone procure the article we required. However, we +ultimately descended to an advertisement in the _Morning Post_, and in +due course I obtained a secretary. In fact, I obtained several. We had +them _seriatim_, and none stayed longer than a month. I do not propose +to write a detailed history of the dynasty which I now found it my +privilege to support. A brief _résumé_ of each will suffice. + +_Number One_.--Cambridge Football Blue. Big and breezy. Spelling +entirely phonetic. Spent most of his time smoking in the drawing-room, +and laboured under the delusion that, as my amanuensis, he was at +liberty to forge my signature to all documents, including cheques. He +used my official note-paper to back horses on, and was finally requested +to leave, after an unseemly brawl with a book-maker's tout on my +doorstep. + +_Number Two_.--Oxford: a First in Greats. A heavy manner, usually +beginning his observations with "Wherewithal" or "Peradventure." The +Twins suffered severely from suppressed giggles in his presence. +Regarded my superficial ideas of statesmanship with profound contempt, +but left after a fortnight, having allowed a highly confidential and +extremely personal pencil note, written in the margin of a despatch by +the Premier himself, to blossom forth in large type in the text of a +Blue Book. + +_Number Three_.--Rather elderly for the post--nearer forty than +thirty--but highly recommended. Reduced my chaotic papers to order in +twenty-four hours, charmed my wife and her sisters, drafted a speech +which won me quite a little ovation in the House, suggested several +notable improvements in the "Importation of Mad Dogs Bill," with which I +was to be entrusted next session--and was found lying dead drunk in his +bedroom, at eleven o'clock in the morning, on the second Sunday after +his arrival. Half a dozen empty brandy bottles were afterwards +discovered on the top of his wardrobe. Poor devil! + +_Number Four_.--(Subsequently handed down to posterity as "The Limit"). +Small, spectacled, and nervous. Came from a Welsh University, and was +strong on "the methodical filing of State and other documents." He +stayed two days. On the first night (after inquiring whether we were +expecting guests that evening, and receiving an answer in the negative) +he came down to dinner in a sort of alpaca smoking-jacket and a tartan +tie. On the second, having evidently decided to treat us to all the +resources of his wardrobe as soon as possible, he appeared in more or +less ordinary evening attire. He wore a small white satin bow-tie, +attached to his collar-stud by a brass clip. The tie fell off the stud +into his soup almost immediately, and its owner, after furtively chasing +it round the plate with his forefinger, finally fished it out with the +aid of a fork; and, having squeezed as much soup as possible back into +the plate, put the bow into his waistcoat pocket and resumed his meal +with every appearance of enjoyment. + +He left next morning. As the Twins pathetically observed: "It had to be +him or us!" I was sorry, for he was a tidy little creature away from +table. + +After that I did a rash thing. I engaged a Private Secretary on the spur +of the moment and without consulting my household. + +One morning I had occasion to visit the British Museum. That mausoleum +of learning is not an habitual resort of mine, but on this occasion I +had found it necessary to refresh my memory on the subject of a small +principality situated somewhere in the Pacific, and reported to be in a +state of considerable unrest, concerning which the member for Upper +Gumbtree, an unpleasantly omniscient young man with a truculent manner, +had been asking questions in the House. It seemed that British interests +in that quarter were not being adequately protected by our Department, +and this extremely pushing gentleman was now gaining much cheap applause +in the columns of those low-priced organs which make a living by +deriding his Majesty's Ministers, by bombarding us with fatuous +inquiries on the subject. My Chief had only the most hazy notion about +the place--as a matter of fact I do not believe that either he or any of +the permanent officials had ever heard of it--and I was in a precisely +similar condition. I was accordingly bidden to get up the subject, and +accumulate a mass of information thereon which would not only satiate +the appetite of the honourable member, but choke him off for all time. + +Finding myself in want of a particular Gazetteer which was not to be +found in the office, and being in no mood to take a clerk, however +uncritical, into my confidence, I called a hansom and drove straight to +the Museum; where, having ensconced myself in the reading-room with the +work in question, I prepared to devote a dusty and laborious morning to +the service of State. + +Immediately opposite me sat a gigantic young man of a slightly +threadbare appearance, who was copying some screed out of a bulky tome +before him. I regarded him in a reminiscent sort of way for a few +minutes, and presently found that my scrutiny was being returned +fourfold. Next came an enormous hand that was suddenly thrust across the +table towards me, and I remembered him. + +We had met six years ago in a railway train, under circumstances which +made me extremely glad to make his acquaintance at any price. Kitty and +I were on our honeymoon, and happened to be travelling on a Saturday +afternoon from Edinburgh to Perth in a train packed to suffocation with +the supporters of a football team of the baser sort. We were bound for +Inchellan, the Scottish residence of my Chief, who was sending to meet +us at Perth. + +As the first-class carriages were all occupied by gentlemen with +third-class tickets, we travelled third with a company who did not seem +to possess any tickets at all. Just before the train started the door +was thrown open and two inebriated Scots, several degrees further gone +than the rest of the company--which is saying a good deal--were hurled +in. If the assemblage had all been of one way of thinking we might have +reached Perth with nothing worse than bad headaches, but unfortunately +some supporters of the other team were present, and in the midst of a +heated and alcoholic debate on the rights and wrongs of the last free +kick, two rival orators suddenly arose, clinched, and continued their +argument at close grips on the floor. In a moment the party divided +itself into two camps, and the conflict became general. As there were +ten people in the compartment, of whom seven were engaged in a +life-and-death struggle, the movements of the non-combatants--Kitty, +myself, and a gigantic youth of gawky appearance--were, to put it +mildly, somewhat restricted. Kitty became thoroughly frightened, and +hampered my preparations for battle by clinging to my arm. The gigantic +youth, seeing this, suddenly took command of the situation. + +"Watch you the young leddy!" he bellowed in my ear, "and I'll sort +them." + +With that he hurled himself into the tumult. The exact details of his +performance I could not see, the scientific dusting of railway cushions +not having penetrated any further north of the Forth than it has south +of the Thames; but the net result was that each combatant was pulled +off, picked up, shaken until his teeth rattled, and banged down on to +his seat with a brief admonition to mind his manners, until seven +bewildered, partially sobered, and thoroughly demoralised patrons of +sport sat round about in various attitudes of limp dejection, leaning +against one another like dissipated marionettes; while our rustic +Hector, bestriding the compartment like a Colossus, dared them to move a +finger under penalty of being "skelped." + +He bundled them all out at the next stopping-place, without inquiring +whether they desired to alight there or no, and I am bound to say that +they all seemed as anxious to leave the carriage as he was to expel +them. He then shut the door, pulled up the window, and turned to my wife +with a reassuring smile. + +"Yon was just a storrm in a teapot," he remarked affably. + +He accepted my thanks with indifference, but blushed in a gratified +manner when Kitty addressed him. He was her bond-slave by the time that +we bade him farewell at Perth. I presented him with my card, which he +carefully placed inside the lining of his hat; but he forbore, either +from native caution or excessive shyness, to furnish us with any +information as to his own identity. + +Well, here he was, sitting opposite to me in the Reading Room of the +British Museum, and seemingly none too prosperous. Six years ago he had +looked like a young and healthy farm lad. Now, fourth-rate journalism +was stamped all over him. + + + + +CHAPTER THREE. + +"ANENT." + + +We conversed awhile in whispers to avoid disturbing the other +worshippers--I always feel like that in the British Museum--and finally +abandoned our respective tasks and issued forth together. With a little +persuasion I prevailed upon my companion to come and lunch with me, and +we repaired to a rather old-fashioned and thoroughly British +establishment close by, where the fare is solid and the "portions" +generous. + +My guest, after a brief effort at self-repression, fell upon the food in +a fashion that told me a far more vivid tale of his present +circumstances than the most lengthy explanation could have done. When he +was full I gave him a cigar, and he leaned back in his padded arm-chair +and surveyed me with the nearest approach to emotion that I have ever +observed in the countenance of a Scot. + +"I was wanting that," he remarked frankly, and he smiled largely upon +me. He was looking less gaunt now, and the rugged lines of his face were +tinged with a more healthy colour. He was a handsome youth, I noticed, +with shrewd grey eyes and a chin that stood out like the ram of a +battle-ship. + +He told me all about himself, some of which has been set down here +already. He had done well at Edinburgh University, and, having obtained +his Arts degree, was on the point of settling down to study for the +ministry--the be-all and end-all of the hope of a humble Scottish +household--when disaster came tumbling upon his family. His brother +David fell sick in his lungs, and the doctor prescribed a sojourn in a +drier climate for at least a year. + +The next part of the narrative was rather elliptical; but from the fact +that money was immediately forthcoming to send David abroad, and that +Robin had simultaneously given up his work in Edinburgh and returned +home to help his father about the farm, I gathered that a life's +ambition had been voluntarily sacrificed on the altar of family duty. +Anyhow, when David returned, marvellously and mercifully restored to +health, setting his younger brother free once more, two precious years +had flown; so that Robin now found himself, at the age of twenty-three, +faced with the alternative of making a fresh start in life or remaining +on the farm at home, that most pathetic and forlorn of failures, a +"stickit minister." The family exchequer had been depleted by David's +illness, and Robin, rather than draw any further on the vanishing little +store of pound-notes in the cupboard behind the kitchen chimney, +determined to go to London and turn his education to some account. + +He had arrived three years ago, with a barrel of salt herrings and a bag +of meal; and from that time he had earned his own living--if it could be +called a living. + +"Once or twice," he said, "I have had an article taken by one of the big +reviews; sometimes I get some odd reporting to do; and whiles I just +have to write chatty paragraphs about celebrities for the snippety +papers." + +"Uphill work that, I should think." + +"Uphill? Downhill! Man, it's degrading. Do you know what I was doing in +that Museum this morning?" + +"What?" + +"Have you heard tell of a man they call Dean Ramsay?" + +"Let me see--yes. He was a sort of Scottish Sidney Smith, wasn't he?" + +"That is the man. Well, he collected most of the good stories in +Scotland and put them in a book. I was copying a few of them out; and I +shall father them on to folk that the public wants to hear about. I get +a guinea a column for that." + +"I know the sort of thing," I said. "_'A good story is at present going +the round of the clubs, concerning----'_" + +"Not 'concerning'--'anent'!" + +"I beg your pardon--'anent a certain well-known but absent-minded Peer +of the Realm.'" + +"That's the stuff. You have the trick of it. Then sometimes I do bits of +general information--computations as to the height of a column of the +picture postcards sold in London in a year, and all that. Nobody can +check figures of that kind, so the work is easy--and correspondingly +ill-paid!" (I cannot reproduce the number of contemptuous _r_'s that +Robin threw into the adverb.) + +"It's a fine useful place the Museum," he continued reflectively. "You +were busy there this morning yourself. You would be collecting _data_ +anent--I mean _about_--the Island of Caerulea." + +I sat up in surprise at this. + +"How on earth----?" I began. + +"Oh, I just jal--guessed it. You being the only member of his Majesty's +Government in whom I have any personal interest, I have always followed +your career closely. (You gave me your card, you'll mind.) Well, I saw +you were having trouble with yon havering body Wuddiford--I once +reported at one of his meetings: he's just a sweetie-wife in +_pince-nez_--and when I saw you busy with an atlas and gazetteer I said +to myself:--'He'll be getting up a few salient facts about the place, in +order to appease the honourable member's insatiable thirst for +knowledge--Toots, there I go again! Man, the journalese fairly soaks +into the system. I doubt now if I could write out twenty lines of +'Paradise Lost' without cross-heading them!" + +We finished our cigar over talk like this, and finally rose to go. Robin +lingered upon the steps of the restaurant. I realised that he, being a +Scotsman, was endeavouring to pump up the emotional gratitude which he +felt sure that I, as an Englishman, would expect from a starving pauper +who had lunched at my expense. + +"I must thank you," he said at last, rather awkwardly, "for a most +pleasant luncheon. And I should like fine," he added suddenly and +impetuously, "to make out a _précis_ for you on the subject of Caerulea. +Never heed it yourself! Away home, and I'll send it to you to-morrow!" + +An idea which had been maturing in my slow-moving brain for some time +suddenly took a definite shape. + +"It is extremely kind of you," I said. "I shall be delighted to leave +the matter in your hands. But when you have made the _précis_, I wonder +if you would be so good as to bring it to my house instead of sending +it?" + +I gave him my address, and we parted. + +Robert Chalmers Fordyce arrived at my house next morning. He brought +with him a budget of condensed but exhaustive information on the subject +of Caerulea, the assimilation and ultimate discharge of which enabled me +to score a signal victory over Mr Wuddiford of Upper Gumbtree, +relegating that champion exploiter of mare's nests to a sphere of +comparative inoffensiveness for quite a considerable time. + +After reading the _précis_, I offered Robin the position of my Private +Secretary, which he accepted politely but without servility or +effusiveness. I handed him a quarter's salary in advance, gave him two +days' holiday wherein to "make his arrangements"--_Anglicč_, to +replenish his wardrobe--and we sealed the bargain with a glass of sherry +and a biscuit apiece. + +As he rose to go, Robin took from his pocket a folded manuscript. + +"I see you have a good fire there," he said. + +He stepped across to the hearth-rug and pitched the document into the +heart of the flames, which began to lick it caressingly. + +Presently the heat caused the crackling paper to unfold itself, and some +of the writing became visible. Robert pointed, and I read-- + +_"Pars about Personalities. A capital story is at present going the +round of the clubs, anent----"_ + +Here the flimsy manuscript burst into flame, and shot with a roar up the +chimney. + +I looked at Robert Chalmers Fordyce, and his face was the face of a man +who has gone through deep waters, but feels the good solid rock beneath +his feet at last. + +He turned dumbly to me, and held out his hand. + +The worst of these inarticulate and undemonstrative people is that they +hurt you so. + + + + +CHAPTER FOUR. + +A TRIAL TRIP. + + +Three days later I introduced Robert Chalmers Fordyce into the bosom of +my family. I had declined to give them any previous information about +him, beyond a brief warning that they would find him "rather Scotch." + +I have always found it utterly impossible to foretell from a man's +behaviour towards his own sex how he will comport himself in the +presence of females. I have known a raw youth, hitherto regarded as the +hobbledehoy of the shooting-party and the pariah of the smoking-room, +lord it among the ladies like a very lion; and I have seen the hero of a +hundred fights, the master of men, the essence of intrepid resolution, +stand quaking outside a drawing-room door. The _début_ of Robin, then, I +awaited with considerable interest. I expected on the whole to see him +tongue-tied, especially before Dolly and Dilly. On the other hand he +might be aggressively assertive. + +He was neither. He proved to be that rarest of types--the man who has no +fear of his fellow-creatures, male or female, singly or in battalions. +Our sex is so accustomed to squaring its shoulders, pulling down its +waistcoat, and assuming an engaging expression as a preliminary to an +encounter with the fair, that the spectacle of a man who enters a +strange drawing-room and shakes hands quietly and naturally all round, +without twisting his features into an agreeable smile and mumbling +entirely inarticulate words of rapture, always arouses in me feelings of +envy and respect. + +We found Kitty and the Twins picturesquely grouped upon the drawing-room +hearth-rug, waiting for the luncheon gong. + +I introduced Robin to my wife, in the indistinct and throaty tones which +always obtrude themselves into an Englishman's utterance when he is +called upon to say something formal but graceful. Kitty greeted the +guest with a smile with which I am well acquainted (and which I can +guarantee from personal experience to be absolutely irresistible on +one's first experience of it), and welcomed him to the house very +prettily. + +"You are very kind, Mrs Inglethwaite," said Robin, shaking hands. "But I +am not quite a stranger to you. Do you mind my face?" + +Kitty turned scarlet. + +"Mind your----? Not in the--I mean--I am sure we are de----" She +floundered hopelessly. + +Robin laughed pleasantly. + +"There is my Scots tongue running away with me already," he said. "I +should have asked rather if you _remembered_ my face." + +This time Kitty ceased to look confused, but still retained a puzzled +frown. + +"No," she said slowly; "I don't _think_----" + +"No wonder!" said Robin. "We met once, in a railway carriage, six years +ago. Between Edinburgh and Perth--on a Saturday afternoon," he added +expressively. + +Light broke in upon Kitty. "Of course!" she said. "Now I remember. That +dreadful journey! You were the gentleman who was so kind and helpful. +How nice and romantic meeting again! Adrian, you silly old creature, why +didn't you tell me? Now, Mr Fordyce, let me introduce you to my +sisters." + +She wheeled him round and presented him to the Twins. + +That pair of beauties, I saw at a glance, were out after scalps. They +stood up side by side on the hearth-rug, absolutely and weirdly alike, +and arrayed on this occasion in garments of identical hue and cut. This +was a favourite device of theirs when about to meet a new young man; it +usually startled him considerably. If he was not a person of sound nerve +and abstemious habits, it not infrequently evoked from him some +enjoyably regrettable expression of surprise and alarm. I knew all the +tricks in their _répertoire_, and waited interestedly to see the effect +of this series. + +On being presented, both smiled shyly and modestly, and each +simultaneously proffered a timid hand. The average young man, already a +little rattled by the duplicate vision of loveliness before him, could +never make up his mind which hand to shake first; and by the time he had +collected his faculties sufficiently to make an uncertain grab at one, +both would be swiftly and simultaneously withdrawn. + +Robin, however, immediately shook hands with Dilly, who stood nearest to +Kitty, and then with Dolly. After that he stepped back a pace and +surveyed the pair with unconcealed interest. + +Then he turned to my wife. + +"A truly remarkable resemblance!" he observed benignantly. ("Just as if +we had been two babies in a bassinette!" as Dolly afterwards remarked.) + +Then he resumed his inspection. The Twins, who were entirely unused to +this sort of thing, were too taken aback to proceed to their second +move--the utterance of some trivial and artless remark, delivered by +both simultaneously, and thereby calculated to throw the victim into a +state of uncertainty as to which he should answer first. Instead, they +stood wide-eyed and tongue-tied before him. + +"I must certainly discover some point of difference between these +ladies," continued Robin with an air of determination, "or I shall +always be in difficulties. Do not tell me the secret, Mrs Inglethwaite. +Perhaps I can find out for myself." + +He concluded a minute inspection of the indignant Dilly, and turned his +unruffled gaze on Dolly. + +"Yes," he said, "I have it! You" (triumphantly to Dolly) "have a tiny +brown spot in the blue of your left eye, while your sister has none." + +It was quite true: she had. But it was a fact which most young men only +discovered after many furtive and sidelong glances. This imperturbable +creature had taken it all in in one resolute scrutiny; and Dolly, +blushing like Aurora--an infirmity to which I may say neither she nor +her sister are particularly subject--dropped her long lashes over the +orbs in question and looked uncommonly foolish. + +The tension of the situation was relieved by the announcement of +luncheon, and Robin was called upon to accompany Kitty downstairs; while +I, putting a consoling arm round the waist of each of my fermenting +sisters-in-law, marched them down to further experiences in the +dining-room. + +The Twins rapidly recovered their equanimity at lunch. They sat, as they +always did, together on one side of the table, opposite to Robin. The +latter conversed easily and pleasantly, though his discourse was dotted +with homely phrases and curious little biblical turns of speech. + +"Have you been in London long, Mr Fordyce?" inquired Kitty as we settled +down. + +"Three years," said Robin. + +"I suppose you have lots of friends by this time." + +"I have a good many acquaintances, but my friends in London are just +three, all told," said Robin, in what Dilly afterwards described as "a +disgustingly pawky manner." + +"You must be very exclusive, Mr Fordyce," chirrupped Dolly. + +"Far from it," said Robin; "as you will admit when I say that my three +friends are a policeman, a surgeon, and a minister." + +"How quaint of you!" said Dilly. + +But Robin did not seem to think it quaint. He told us about the +policeman first--a Highlander. Robin had made his acquaintance in +Edinburgh, apparently about the same time that he made ours, and had +renewed it some years later outside the House of Commons, when a +rapturous mutual recognition had taken place. The policeman's name was +Hector MacPherson. + +"And the surgeon?" inquired Kitty, with a certain friendly assumption of +interest which announces (to me) that she is getting a little bored. + +"He is just my uncle. I go and see him, whi--now and then. He is a busy +man." + +"And the--er--minister?" + +"He is Dr Strang. He has the Presbyterian Church in Howard Street. I +have sat under him every Sabbath since I came to London." + +"Wh--what for?" asked Kitty involuntarily, and in a rather awestruck +voice. Her acquaintance with the ritual of the Church of Scotland was +hazy, and she was evidently determined to-day to be surprised at +nothing; but evidently this mysterious reference could not be allowed to +pass without some explanation. The Twins convulsively gripped each +other's hands under the table. (They are of course perfectly bred +girls--indeed, their self-possession at trying moments has often +surprised me--but, like all the young of the human species, there are +times when their feelings become too much for them. Then, if the +occasion is too formal for unrestrained shrieks, they silently +interdigitate.) + +"That is a Scottish expression," said Robin, smiling upon us. "You must +pardon me, Mrs Inglethwaite. I should perhaps have said that I was an +adherent of Dr Strang's church--or rather," he added with a curious +little touch of pride, "I am a communicant now. I was just an adherent +at first." + +We assented to this, politely but dizzily. + +Scratch a Scot and you will find a theologian. Robin was fairly started +now; and he proceeded to enlarge upon various points of interest in the +parallel histories (given in full) of some three or four Scottish +denominations, interwoven with extracts from his own family archives. +His grand-uncle, it appeared, had been a minister himself, and had +performed the feat--to which I have occasionally heard other perfervid +Scots refer, and never without a kindling eye--known as "coming out in +the Forty-three." + +"That," added Robin in parenthesis, "is why my second name is +Chalmers--after the great Doctor. You will have heard of him?" + +(Polite but insincere chorus of pleased recognition.) + +We were then treated to a brief _résumé_ of the events leading up to a +religious controversy of colossal dimensions which was at that moment +threatening to engulf Scotland. Robin was deeply interested in the +matter, and gave us his reasons for being so. He passed some scathing +comments on the contumacy and narrow-mindedness of the sect who had the +misfortune to be his opponents; and after that he proceeded to say a few +words about Free Will and Predestination. + +By this time lunch was over, but we sat on. I nodded gravely over my +coffee, saying "Quite so" when occasion seemed to demand it. Kitty was +completely out of her depth, but still maintained a brave appearance of +interest. It was the Twins who brought the _séance_ to a close. Placing +their hands before their mouths, they with difficulty stifled a pair of +cavernous yawns. + +Next moment they were sorry. Robin stopped dead, flushed up, and said-- + +"Mrs Inglethwaite, I am sorry. I have been most inconsiderate and rude. +I have wearied you all. The truth is," he continued quite simply, "it is +so long since I sat at meat with friends, that I have lost the art of +conversation. I just run on, like--like a leading article. I have not +conversed with a woman, except once or twice across a counter, for +nearly three years." + +There was a rather tense pause. Then Dolly said-- + +"We're awfully sorry, Mr Fordyce. It was very rude of us. We quite +understand now, don't we, Dilly?" + +"Rather," said Dilly. "It was horrible of us, Mr Fordyce. But we thought +you were just an ordinary bore." + +"Children!" said Kitty. + +"But what you have told us makes things quite different, doesn't it, +Dolly?" continued Dilly. + +"Quite--absolutely," said Dolly. + +And they smiled upon him, quite maternally. And so the incident passed. + +"How queer, not talking to a woman for three years!" continued Dolly +reflectively. + +"How _awful_ it would be not to talk to a man for three years!" said +Dilly, with obvious sincerity. + +"There is little opportunity for social intercourse," said Robin, "to a +man who comes to London to sink or swim." + +The conversation was again taking a slightly sombre turn, and I struck +in-- + +"Well, I hope, Mr Fordyce, that a few weeks' experience of my +establishment won't have the effect of making you regret your previous +celibate existence." + +Dolly and Dilly looked at each other. + +"Dolly," said Dilly, "is that an insult?" + +"I think so." + +"Insulting enough to be punishable?" + +"Rather." + +"All right. Come on!" + +They fell upon me, and the next few minutes were devoted to what I +believe is known in pantomime circles as a Grand Rally, which +necessitated my going upstairs afterwards and changing my collar. + +Robin was not present at tea, and my household took advantage of his +absence to run over his points. + +Considering that a woman--especially a young woman--judges a man almost +entirely by his manner and appearance, and dislikes him exceedingly if +he proceeds to dominate the situation to her exclusion--unless, by the +way, he has her permission and authority so to do, in which case he +cannot do so too much--the verdict delivered upon my absent secretary +was not by any means unfavourable, though, of course, there was much to +criticise. + +"He'll do," said Dilly; "but you must get his hair cut, Adrian." + +"And tell him about not wearing that sort of tie, dear," said Dolly. + +"I suppose he can't help his accent," sighs Kitty. + +But their criticisms were limited to such trifles as these, and I felt +that Robin had done me credit. + +Dilly summed up the situation. + +"I think on the whole that he is rather a pet," she said. + +A more thoroughly unsuitable description could not have been imagined, +but Dolly agreed. + +"He has nice eyes, too," she added. + +"He was perfectly sweet with Phillis after lunch," said Kitty. "Took her +on his knee at once, and talked to her just as if we weren't there. +That's a good test of a man, if you like!" + +"True for you," I agreed. "I could not do it with other people's +children to save my life." + +"Oh, you are hopeless," said Dilly. "_Far_ too self-conscious and +dignified to climb down to the level of children, isn't he, Dolly?" She +crinkled her nose. + +Dolly for once was not listening. + +"What was that weird stuff the Secretary Bird spouted when you showed +Phillis to him, Kit? About her being forward, or coy, or something. It +sounded rather cheek, to me." + +"Yes, I remember," said Dilly. "Can you do the way he said it? +'Sometimes forrrwarrrd, sometimes coy, she neverrr fails to pullllease!' +Like that! Gracious, how it hurts to talk Scotch!" + +"I don't know, dear," said my wife thoughtfully. "It sounded rather +quaint. But I daresay all Scotch people are like that," she added +charitably. + +"Perhaps it was a quotation," I observed mildly. + +"Of course, that would be it. What is it out of?" + +"A song called 'Phillis is my only Joy,' I think." + +"Ah, then you may depend upon it," said Kitty, with the air of one +solving a mystery, "that is what the man was doing--_quoting_! Burns, +probably, or Scott, perhaps. How clever of him to think of it! And do +you know," she continued, "he said such a nice thing to me. While you +were bear-fighting with the Twins after lunch, Adrian, I said to him: +'Pity me, Mr Fordyce! My husband never ceases to express to me his +regret that he did not marry one of my sisters.' And he answered at +once, quite seriously, without stopping to think it out or anything:--'I +am sure, Mrs Inglethwaite, that his regret must be shared by countless +old admirers of yours!' Wasn't it rather sweet of him?" + +Further conversation was prevented by the opening of the drawing-room +door, where the butler appeared and announced "Mr Dubberley." + +Dubberley is a pillar of our party. I can best describe him by saying +that although I hold office under a Conservative Government, ten +minutes' conversation with Dubberley leaves me a confirmed Radical, and +anything like a protracted interview with him converts me into a +Socialist for the next twenty-four hours. A week-end in his society, and +I should probably buy a red shirt and send out for bombs. He is a good +fellow at bottom, and of immense service to the party; but he is the +most blatant ass I have ever met. There are Dubberleys on both sides of +the House, however, which is a comfort. + +Robin joined us almost directly after Dubberley's entrance, just in time +to hear that great man conclude the preamble of his discourse for the +afternoon. + +There had been a good deal of talk in the papers of late about improving +the means of transport throughout the country; and the nationalisation +of railways and other semi-socialistic schemes had filled the air. +Dubberley, it appeared, had out of his own gigantic intellect evolved a +panacea for congestion of traffic, highness of rates, and railway +mortality. + +He was well launched in his subject when Robin entered and was +introduced. + +"As I was saying," he continued, waving an emphatic teaspoon in the +direction of the sofa where the ladies sat, smiling but limp,--even the +Twins knew it was useless to stem this tide,--"as I was saying, the +solution of the problem lies in the revival of our far-reaching but +sadly neglected system of _canals_. Yes! If we go to the very root of +the matter"--Dubberley is one of those fortunate persons who never has +to dig far in his researches--"we find that our whole hope of +regeneration lies in the single, simple, homely word--Canals! Revive +your canals, send your goods by canal, travel yourself by----" + +"How long, Mr Dubberley," interpolated Robin, leaning forward--"how long +do you consider one would take to travel, say, a hundred miles by +canal?" + +"Under our present antiquated system, sir,"--Dubberley rather prides +himself on preserving the courtly fashions of address of a bygone +age,--"an impossibly long time. The average speed of a canal-boat at the +present day under the ministrations of that overburdened and inadequate +quadruped, the--er--horse, is three miles per hour. Indeed--one moment!" + +Dubberley fished a sheaf of documents out of his pocket--he is the sort +of man who habitually secrets statistics and blue-books about his +person--and after stertorously perusing them closed his eyes for a +moment, as if to work out a sum upon an internal blackboard, and said-- + +"I see no reason why swift canal-boats should not be constructed to run +fifteen, twenty, or even twenty-five miles per hour. Indeed, in these +days of turbines----" + +Robin put down his cup rather emphatically, and said-- + +"Mphm." + +(It is quite impossible to reproduce this extraordinary Caledonian +expletive in writing, but that is as near to it as I can get.) Then he +continued urbanely-- + +"Then you would organise a service of fast turbine steamers running all +over the canal systems of the country?" + +"Exactly. Or let us say--er--launches," said Dubberley. "I must not +overstate my case." + +"Travelling twenty miles an hour?" + +"Say fifteen, sir," said Dubberley magnanimously. + +"Mr Dubberley," said Robin, in a voice which made us all jump, "have you +a bathroom in your house?" + +Even the Twins, who were growing a trifle lethargic under the +technicalities of the subject, roused themselves at this fresh turn of +the conversation. + +"Ah--eh--I beg your pardon?" said Dubberley, a trifle disconcerted. + +"A bathroom," repeated Robin--"with a good long bath in it?" + +"Er--yes." + +"Well, Mr Dubberley, when you go home this afternoon, go upstairs and +fill the bath with water. Then take a large bath-sponge--something +nearly as broad as the bath--and sweep it along from end to end, about a +foot below the surface, at a speed of fifteen miles per hour--that will +be twenty-two feet per second--and see what happens!" + +Robin had unconsciously dropped into what I may call his +debating-society manner. His chin stuck out, and his large chest heaved, +and he scooped the air, as if it had been the water of Dubberley's bath, +with one of Kitty's priceless Worcester teacups. + +Dubberley sat completely demoralised, palpitating like a stranded frog. + +"Then," continued Robin, "you would observe the result of placing a +partly submerged and rapidly moving body in a shallow and restricted +waterway. You would kick half the water right out of the canal to begin +with, and the other half would pile itself up into a wave under your bow +big enough to offer an almost immovable resistance to the progress of +your vessel." + +He leaned back and surveyed the bemused Dubberley with complete and +obvious satisfaction. We all sat round breathless, feeling much as +Sidney Smith must have felt when some one spoke disrespectfully of the +Equator. Great was the fall of Dubberley. He moved, perhaps +instinctively, in a society where he was seldom contradicted and never +argued with. One does not argue with a gramophone. And here this raw +Scottish youth, with the awful thoroughness and relentless common-sense +of his race, had taken the very words out of his mouth, torn them to +shreds, and thrust them down his throat. + +I am afraid I chuckled. The Twins sat hand in hand, with dreamy eyes +staring straight before them. They were conjuring up a joyous vision of +Dubberley, in his shirt-sleeves, meekly refuting one of his own theories +by means of a childish and sloppy experiment in practical hydrodynamics +in his own bathroom. + +I give this incident as a fair example of Robin's point of view and +methods of action on questions which I for one would never dream of +debating. He was entirely lacking in an art which I am told I possess to +perfection--that of suffering fools gladly. Its possession has raised me +to an Under-Secretaryship. People who should know tell me that it will +also prevent my ever rising to anything higher. + +"We had a taste of our friend's quality this afternoon," I remarked to +my household when we met for dinner that evening. "He is a +thorough-going warrior. Fancy any man taking all that trouble to lay out +old Dubberley!" + +"Poor Mr Dubberley!" said tender-hearted Kitty. + +"Do him good!" said Dilly, in whose recollection Dubberley's past +enormities loomed large. "I shall be nice to the Secretary Bird now." + +Dolly said nothing, which was unusual. Perhaps the brown spot still +rankled. + + + + +CHAPTER FIVE. + +ROBIN ON DUTY. + + +Beyond the fact that they are all desperately in earnest, all know each +other, and occupy all the most responsible and lucrative posts on the +face of the earth, Scotsmen are a class with whose characteristics I am +not well acquainted. But I learned a great deal from my new secretary. + +Robin soon settled down to work. He not only performed his duties with +zeal and discretion, but he kept me up to mine. He hounded me through +the routine work of my Department; he verified my references; he managed +my correspondence; and he frequently drafted my speeches. He even +prepared some of my impromptus. Indeed, my--or rather his--description +of a certain member of the other side, a lesser light of the last +Government, a worthy man, always put up to explain matters when his +leader had decided that honesty on this occasion was the best policy, as +"a political niblick, always employed to get his party out of bad lies," +won me more applause and popularity in a House of enthusiastic golfers +than endless weeks of honest toil behind the scenes had ever done. + +But I learned more from Robin than that. I suppose I am a typical +specimen of Conservative officialdom. Until Robin came into my house it +had never occurred to me to ask myself why I was a Conservative: I had +been born one, and it was difficult for me to understand how any man of +ordinary intelligence could be anything else. + +My father and grandfather were Conservative members before me, and I +come of a line which has always feared God, honoured the King, paid its +tithes, and tried to do something for the poor; and which regards +Radicals, Socialists, Nonconformists, and criminal lunatics as much the +same class of person. The only difference between myself and my +forebears is that I am much too pacific (or lazy) to cherish any +animosity against people whose views differ from my own. This fact, +coupled with certain family traditions, has brought me to my present +position in life; and, as I have already indicated, it will probably +keep me there. At least, so Kitty says. + +"You must _assert_ yourself, dear," she declares. "Be _rude_ to people, +and go on being rude! Then they will take notice of you and give you +nice big posts to keep you quiet. Do you know what the Premier said +about you the other night at dinner, to Lady Bindle? (She told Dicky +Lever, and he told the Twins.) 'Inglethwaite? A dear fellow, a sound +party man, and runs his Department admirably. But--he strikes only on +the box!' Pig!" + +It was about this time that Robin became a member of our establishment. +I had no idea what his political views were--it was just like me not to +have asked him, Kitty said--but felt confident that whatever side he +supported he would do so hot and strong. + +But at first he gave no indication of his leanings. It was not until we +sat one night over our wine, in company with John Champion (member for a +big northern constituency, and regarded by many, notwithstanding various +eccentricities, as the coming man of the party) that he first gave +definite utterance to his views. + +The cigars had gone round, and we had just performed that mysterious +national rite which, whether it owes its existence to economy or +politeness, invariably ends in several people burning their fingers with +the same match. + +"I suppose, Mr Fordyce," said Champion, who had not met Robin before, +but obviously liked him, "that in common with all Scotsmen you are at +heart a Radical." + +"Am I?" said Robin, with native caution. + +"Most of your countrymen are," said Champion, with a sigh. "'They think +too much'--you know the rest of the quotation, I expect." + +Robin nodded. + +I was a little scandalised at this flagrant tribute to the enemy, and +said so. + +Champion laughed. + +"You are a whole-hearted old war-horse, Adrian. I envy you. Sometimes, I +wish that I----" + +"For mercy's sake don't go and say that you are a Radical at heart too," +I cried. + +"N-n-o. But isn't it rot, the whole business?" + +"What whole business?" + +"Ask Mr Fordyce there. He will tell you. I see it in his eye." + +"What is rot, Robin?" I asked. "Party government?" + +"Yes," said Robin, quite explosively for him. "It is such a scandalous +waste of power and material." He laid down his cigar. "Man, it's just +pitiful. Consider! A party is returned to office. With great care and +discrimination a Cabinet is chosen. It is composed of men who are mainly +honest and patriotic. They are not necessarily men of genius, but they +are all men of undoubted ability, and they are genuinely anxious to do +their duty by the country. Now observe." (As a matter of fact he said +"obsairrve.") "How is this energy and ability expended? About half of +it--fifty per cent--goes in devising means to baffle the assaults of the +Opposition and so retain a precarious hold on office. Sir, it's just +ludicrous! Instead of concentrating their efforts upon--upon--I want a +metaphor, Mr Champion." + +"Upon steering the ship of State," said Champion, with a twinkle in his +eye. + +"That'll do, fine.--Upon steering the ship of State, they have to devote +half their time and energy to dodging the missiles of their shipmates. +That is what I mean when I say the thing is pitiful. What should we +think of the sanity of an ordinary ship's company, if the man at the +wheel had to spend half his time up in the rigging because a minority of +his messmates wanted to throw him overboard?" + +"I think you are putting the case too strongly," I said. "The criticism +of a healthy public opinion is no bad thing. Besides, your Cabinet still +have fifty per cent of their energy left. What do they do with that?" + +"Of that," said Champion, joining in, "about forty per cent is wasted on +mere parade--dummy legislation--bills that never will be passed, and +which no sensible man has any desire should be passed, except in a +mutilated and useless condition; bills merely brought forward by the +Government as a sop to the extreme wing of their own party. It doesn't +matter which side is in power. If they are Liberals, they have to +propose a few socialistic and iconoclastic measures, secretly thanking +God for the House of Lords all the while. If they are Conservatives, +they propitiate the Landlords and the Church by putting forward some +outrageously retrograde proposal or other, secure in the knowledge that +it will be knocked on the head by the halfpenny papers. Of the remaining +ten per cent----" + +"About nine," resumed Robin, "is appropriated automatically to +absolutely essential routine business, like the Budget and Supply----" + +"And the remaining one per cent," struck in Champion, "is devoted to +real live Legislation." + +Then they both looked at me, this pair of carping pessimists, rather +furtively, like two fags who have allowed their tongues to wag over +freely in the presence of a monitor. It was a curious tribute to the +power of officialdom, for they were both far bigger men, in every sense, +than I. Finally Champion laughed. + +"Don't look so horrified, Adrian," he said. "Mr Fordyce and I croak too +much. Still, you will find a grain or two of sense among the chaff, as +Jack Point says." + +But I was not to be smoothed down so easily. + +"According to you fellows," I grumbled, as I passed the port, "there is +practically no difference between one political party and another." + +"None whatever," said Champion cheerfully--"not between the _backbones_ +of the parties, that is. Of course excrescences don't count. Tell me, +Adrian, what bill, barring one or two contentious semi-religious +measures, has ultimately reached the Statute Book during the last twenty +years that might not have been put there by either party without any +violent departure from its principles? Not one! Foreign policy, again. +Does it make any difference to our position in the world which party is +in office nowadays? Not a scrap. The difference between the two sides is +immaterial. There is often a far deeper line of cleavage between two +sections of the same party than between party and party. We make faces +at each other, it is true; and one side plumes itself on the moral +support of Royalty and the aristocracy, while the other always bawls out +that it has the inviolable will of the people at its back,--I daresay +one assertion is about as true as the other--but I don't think there is +a pennyworth of difference, really. There used to be a lot, mind you, +when the Plebs were really struggling for a footing in the scheme of +things; but bless you! we are all more or less in the same crowd now. +Just a difference of label, that's all." + +"There was a story my dominie used to tell," said Robin, who had been +listening to this diatribe with rapt attention, "about a visitor to a +seaside hotel, who ordered a bottle of wine. The boy brought up the +wrong kind, so the visitor sent for the landlord and pointed out the +mistake, adducing the label on the bottle as evidence. 'I'm very sorry, +sir, I'm sure,' said the landlord, 'but I'll soon put it right. Boy, +bring another label!' An old story, I am afraid, but it seems to me to +put Party goverment into a nutshell." + +I rose, and began to replace the stoppers in the decanters. I was +feeling rather cross. I hate having my settled convictions tampered +with. They are not elastic, and this makes them brittle, and I always +feel nervous about their stability when the intellectual pressure of an +argument grows intense. + +"When you two have abolished the British Constitution," I remarked +tartly, "what do you propose to substitute for the present _régime_?" + +"'There,'" said Champion, "as the charwoman replied when asked for a +character, 'you _'ave_ me.' Let us join the ladies." + +But I was still angry. + +"It always seems best to me," I persisted doggedly, "to take up a good +sound line of action and stick to it, and to choose a good sound party +and stick to that. Half a glass of sherry before we go upstairs?" + +"No, thanks. That is why I envy you, Adrian," said Champion. "It's a +wearing business for us, being so--so--what shall we call it, Mr +Fordyce?" + +"Detached?" suggested Robin. + +"That's it." + +"Two-faced would be a better word," I growled. + +Champion clapped me on the shoulder. + +"Adrian," said he, "in time of peace there is always a large, critical, +neutral, and infernally irritating party, for ever philandering betwixt +and between two extremes of opinion. But when war is declared and it +comes to a fight, the ranks close up. There is no room for detachment, +and there are no neutrals. When occasion calls, you'll find all your +friends--your half-hearted, carping, Erastian friends--ranged up tight +beside you. Shall we be trapesing about in Tom Tiddler's ground when the +pinch comes, Mr Fordyce--eh?" + +"Never fear!" said Robin. + +And I am bound to say that we all of us lived to see John Champion's +assertion made good. + + + + +CHAPTER SIX. + +ROBIN OFF DUTY. + + +I have yet to introduce to the indulgent reader two more members of the +family into which I have married. + +The first of these is my daughter Phillis, of whom I have already made +passing mention. She is six years old, and appears to be compounded of +about equal parts of angelic innocence and original sin. In her dealings +with her fellow-creatures she exhibits all the _sangfroid_ and +self-possession that mark the modern child. She will be a "handful" some +day, the Twins tell me, and they ought to know. However, pending the +arrival of the time when she will begin to rend the hearts of young men, +she contents herself for the present with practising that accomplishment +with complete and lamentable success upon her own garments. + +She is the possessor of a vivid imagination, which she certainly does +not inherit from me, and is fond of impersonating other people, either +characters of her own creation or interesting figures from story-books. +Consequently it is never safe to address her too suddenly. She may be a +fairy, or a bear, or a locomotive at the moment, and will resent having +to return to her proper self, even for a brief space, merely to listen +to some stupid and irrelevant remark--usually something about bed-time +or an open door--from an unintelligent adult. + +Kitty says that I spoil her, but that is only because Kitty is quicker +at saying a thing than I am. She is our only child; and I sometimes +wonder, at moments of acute mental introspection (say, in the night +watches after an indigestible supper), what we should do without her. + +The other character waiting for introduction is my brother-in-law, +Master Gerald Rubislaw. He is the solitary male member of the family of +which my wife and the Twins form the female side. He is, I think, +fourteen years of age, and he is at present a member of what he +considers--very rightly, I think; and I should know, for I was there +myself--the finest public school in the world. Having no parents, he +resides at my house during his holidays, and refreshes me exceedingly. + +He is a sturdy but rather diminutive youth, with a loud voice. (He +always addresses me as if I were standing on a distant hill-top.) He +bears a resemblance to his sisters of which he is heartily and frankly +ashamed, and which he endeavours at times to nullify as far as possible +by a degree of personal uncleanliness which would be alarming to me, +were it not that the traditions of my own extreme youth have not yet +been entirely obliterated from my memory. + +His health is excellent, and his intellect is in that condition +euphemistically described in house-master's reports as "unformed." He is +always noisy, constitutionally lazy, and hopelessly casual. But he +possesses the supreme merit of being absolutely and transparently +honest. I have never known him tell a lie or do a mean thing. To such +much is forgiven. + +At present he appears to possess only two ambitions in life; one, to +gain a place in his Junior House Fifteen, and the other, to score some +signal and lasting victory over his form-master, a Mr Sydney Mellar, +with whom he appears to wage a sort of perpetual guerilla warfare. Every +vacation brings him home with a fresh tale of base subterfuges, petty +tyrannies, and childish exhibitions of spite on the part of the infamous +Mellar, all duly frustrated, crushed, and made ridiculous by the +ingenuity, resource, and audacity of the intrepid Rubislaw. I have never +met Mr Mellar in the flesh, but I am conscious, as time goes on and my +young relative's reminiscences on the subject accumulate, of an +increasing feeling of admiration and respect for him. + +"He's a rotten brute," observed Gerald one day. "Do you know what he had +the cheek to do last term?" + +"What?" + +"Well, there was a clinking new desk put into our form-room, at the +back. I sit there," he added rather _naďvely_. "As soon as I saw it, of +course I got out my knife and started to carve my name. I made good big +letters, as I wanted to do the thing properly on a fine new desk like +that." + +"Was this during school hours?" I ventured to inquire. + +"Of course it was. Do you think a chap would be such a silly ass as to +want to come in specially to carve his name during play-hours, when he's +got the whole of his school-time to do it in?" + +"I had not thought of that," I said apologetically. + +"And don't go putting on side of that sort, Adrian, old man," roared +Gerald, in what a stranger would have regarded as a most threatening +voice, though I knew it was merely the one he keeps for moments of +playful badinage. "I saw _your_ name carved in letters about four inches +high in the Fifth Form room only the other day. I don't see how you can +jaw a man for doing a thing you used to do yourself thirty or forty +years ago." + +I allowed this reflection on my appearance to pass without protest, and +Gerald resumed his story. + +"Well, I did a first-class G to begin with, and was well on with the +Rubislaw--all in capitals: I thought it would look best that way--when +suddenly a great hand reached over my shoulder and grabbed my knife. It +was Stinker, of course." + +"St----" + +"Oh, I forgot to tell you that. We call him 'Stinker' now. You see, his +name is S. Mellar, and if you say it quickly it sounds like 'Smeller.' +So we call him 'Stinker.' It was a kid called Lane thought of it. Pretty +smart--eh? Oh, he's a clever chap, I can tell you," yelled Gerald, with +sincere enthusiasm. + +"He must be a youth of gigantic intellect," I said. + +"Oh, come off the roof! Well, Stinker grabbed my knife, and said, +'Hallo, young man, what's all this? Handing down your name to +posterity--eh?' with a silly grin on his face. + +"I said I was just carving my name. + +"'I see you have just finished it,' he said. + +"I didn't quite tumble to his meaning at first, because I had only got +as far as G. RUB,--and then I saw that the whole thing as it stood +spelled 'GRUB.' Lord, how the swine laughed! He told the form all about +it, and of course they all laughed too, the sniggering, grovelling +sweeps! + +"Then Stinker said: 'A happy thought has just occurred to me. I shall +not have your name obliterated in the usual manner'--they cut it out and +put in a fresh bit of wood, and charge you a bob--' this time. I have +thought of a more excellent way.' (He always talks like that, in a sort +of slow drawl.) 'We will leave your name exactly as you have carved it. +But remember, young man, not another letter do you add to that name so +long as you are a member of this school. A Grub you are,--a nasty little +destructive Grub,--and a Grub you shall remain, so far as that desk is +concerned, for all time. And if ever in future years you come down here +as a distinguished Old Boy--say a K.C.B. or an Alderman,--remember to +bring your numerous progeny'--oh, he's a sarcastic devil!--'to this +room, and show them what their papa once was!' + +"Of course all the chaps roared again, at the idea of me with a lot of +kids. But that wasn't all. He switched off _that_ tap quite suddenly, +and said-- + +"'Seriously, though, I am not pleased about this. Carving your name on a +desk is not one of the seven deadly sins, but doing so when I have told +you not to _is_. This silly street-boy business has been getting too +prevalent lately: we shall have you chalking things up on the walls +next. I particularly gave out last week, when this new desk was put in, +that no one was to touch it. Come to me at twelve, and I will cane you.' +And he _did_," concluded Gerald, with feeling. + +"What a shame!" said Dilly, who was sitting by. "All for carving a silly +old desk." + +"He was perfectly right," said Gerald, his innate sense of justice +rising to the surface at once. "I wasn't lammed for cutting the desk at +all: it was for doing it after I had been told not to." + +"It's the same thing," said Dilly, with feminine disregard for legal +niceties. + +"Same thing? Rot! Fat lot you know about it, Dilly. It's a rum thing," +he added to me in a reflective bawl, "but women never can understand the +rules of any game. Stinker is a bargee, but he was quite right to lam +me. It was for disobedience; and disobedience is cheek; and no master +worth his salt will stand cheek. So Stinker says, and he is right for +once." + +Gerald is the possessor of a bosom friend, an excessively silent and +rather saturnine youth of about his own age. His name is Donkin, and he +regards Gerald, so far as I can see, with a grim mixture of amusement +and compassion. He pays frequent visits to my house, as his father is a +soldier in India; and he is much employed by the Twins for corroborating +or refuting the more improbable of their brother's reminiscences. + +Robin soon made friends with the boys. Like most of their kind, their +tests of human probity were few and simple: and having discovered that +Robin not only played Rugby football, but had on several occasions +represented Edinburgh University thereat, they straightway wrote him +down a "decent chap" and took the rest of his virtues for granted. + +It came upon them--and me too, as a matter of fact--as rather a shock +one evening, when Robin, during the course of a desultory conversation +on education in general, suddenly launched forth _more suo_ into a +diatribe against the English Public School system. + +English boys, he pointed out, were passed through a great machine, which +ground up the individual at one end and disgorged a mere type at the +other--("Pretty good type too, Robin," from me),--they were taught to +worship bodily strength--("Quite right too!" said my herculean +brother-in-law),--they were herded together under a monastic system; +they were removed from the refining influence of female society--(even +the imperturable Donkin snorted at this),--and worst of all, little or +nothing was done to eradicate from their minds the youthful idea that it +is unmanly to read seriously or think deeply. + +I might have said a good deal in reply. I might have dwelt upon the fact +that the English Public School system is not so hard upon the stupid +boy--which means the average boy--as that of more strenuous +forcing-houses of intellect abroad. I might have spoken of one or two +moral agents which prevent our schools from being altogether despicable: +unquestioning obedience to authority, for instance, or loyalty to +tradition. I might have told of characters moulded and fibres stiffened +by responsibility--our race bears more responsibility on its shoulders +than all the rest of the world put together--or of minds trained to +interpret laws and balance justice in the small but exacting world of +the prefects' meeting and the games' committee. But it was Gerald, who +is no moralist, but a youth of sound common-sense, who closed the +argument. + +"Mr Fordyce," he said, "it's no use _my_ jawing to you, because you can +knock me flat at that game; and of course old Moke there"--this was +Master Donkin's unhappy but inevitable designation among his +friends--"is too thick to argue with a stuffed rabbit; but you had +better come down some time and see the place--that's all." + +Robin promised to suspend judgment pending a personal investigation, and +the incident closed. + +Gerald's verdict on Robin's views, communicated to me privately +afterwards, was characteristic but not unfavourable. + +"He seems to have perfectly putrid notions about some things, but he's a +pretty sound chap on the whole--the best secretary you have had, anyhow, +old man. Have you seen him do a straight-arm balance on the +billiard-table?" + +But I did not fully realise how completely Robin had settled down as an +accepted member of my household until one afternoon towards the end of +the Christmas holidays. + +There is a small but snug apartment opening out of my library, through +an arched and curtained doorway. The library is regarded as my +workroom--impregnable, inviolable; not to be rudely attempted by +devastating housemaids. There is a sort of tacit agreement between Kitty +and myself as regards this apartment. Fatima-like, she may do what she +pleases with the rest of the house. She may indulge her passion for +drawing-room meetings to its fullest extent. She may intertain +missionaries in the attics and hold meetings of the Dorcas Society in +the basement. She may give reformed burglars the run of the +silver-closet, and allow curates and chorus-girls to mingle in sweet +companionship on the staircase. But she must leave the library alone, +and neither she nor her following must overflow through its double doors +during what I call business hours. + +On this particular afternoon I had been engaged upon the draft of a +small bill with which I had been entrusted--we will call it the +"Importation of Mad Dogs Bill,"--and about four o'clock I handed it to +Robin with instructions to write out a fair copy. Robin retired into his +inner chamber, and I sat down in an arm-chair with _Punch_. (It was a +Wednesday, the Parliamentary half-holiday of those days, and still, +happily, the _Punch_-day of these.) + +Kitty was holding a Drawing-room Meeting upstairs. I forget what +description of body she was entertaining: it was either a Society for +the Propagation of something which could never, in the nature of things, +come to birth; or else an Association for the Prevention of something +that was bound to go on so long as the world endured. I had been +mercifully absolved from attending, and my tea had been sent in to me. I +was enjoying an excellent caricature of my Chief in the minor cartoon of +_Punch_, when I heard the door of the inner room open and the voice of +my daughter inquire-- + +"Are you _drefful_ busy, Uncle Robin?" (My secretary had been elevated +to avuncular rank after a probation of just three hours.) + +There was a sound as of a chair being pushed back, and a rustle which +suggested the hasty laying aside of a manuscript, and Robin's voice +said-- + +"Come away, Philly!" (This is a favourite Scoticism of Robin's, and +appears to be a term denoting hearty welcome.) + +There was a delighted squeal and the sound of pattering feet. Next +ensued a period of rather audible osculation, and then there was +silence. Presently Phillis said-- + +"What shall we do? Shall I sing you a hymn?" + +Evidently the revels were about to commence. + +"I have just learned a new one," she continued. "I heared it in Church +yesterday afternoon, so I brought it home and changed it a bit. It's +called 'Onward, Chwistian Sailors!'" + +"'_Soldiers_,' isn't it?" + +"No--'_Sailors_.' It _was_ 'Soldiers,' but I like sailors much better +than soldiers, so I changed it. I'll sing it now." + +"Wait till Sunday," said Robin, with much presence of mind. "Will you +not tell me a story?" + +This idea appeared so good that Phillis began forthwith. + +"Once there were three horses what lived in a stable. Two was wise and +one was just a foolish young horse. There was some wolves what lived +quite near the stable----" + +"Wolves?" said my secretary, in tones of mild surprise. + +"The stable," explained Phillis, "stood in the midst of the snowy plains +of Muscovy. I should have telled you that before." + +"Just so," said Robin gravely. "Go on." + +"Well, one day," continued the narratress's voice through the +curtains--I knew the story by heart, so I was able to fill up the gaps +for myself when she dropped to a confidential whisper--"one cold, windy, +berleak day, the old wolves said to the young ones, 'How about a meal of +meat?' and all the young one's said, 'Oh, _let's_!' + +"That very morning," continued Phillis in the impressive bass which she +reserves for the most exciting parts of her narrative, "that _very_ +morning the foolish young horse said to the old horses, 'Who is for a +scamper to-day?' Then he began to wiggle and wiggle at his halter. The +old horses said, 'There is wolves outside, and our master says that they +eat all sheep an' cattle an' horses,' But the young horse just wiggled +and wiggled,"--I could hear my daughter suiting the action to the word +upon her audience's knee,--"and pwesently his halter was off! Then out +he rushed, kicking up the nimble snow with his feathery heels, +and--what?" + +Robin, who was automatically murmuring something about transferred +epithets, apologised for this pedantic lapse, and the tale proceeded. + +"Well, just as he was goin' to have one more scamper, he felt a growl--a +awful, fearful, deep _growl_,"--Phillis's voice sank to a bloodcurdling +and continuous gurgle--"and he terrembled, like this! I'll show you----" + +She slipped off Robin's knee, and I knew that she was now on the +hearth-rug, simulating acute palsy for his benefit. + +"Then he felt somefing on his back, then somefing further up his back, +then a bite at his neck; and then he felt his head bitten off, and he +died. Now you tell me one." + +"Which?" + +Phillis considered. + +"The one about the Kelpie and the Wee Bit Lassie." + +Robin obliged. At first he stumbled a little, and had to be prompted in +hoarse whispers by Phillis (who apparently had heard the story several +times before); but as the narrative progressed and the adventures of the +wee bit lassie grew more enthralling and the Kelpie more terrifying, he +became almost as immersed as his audience. When I peeped through the +curtain they were both sitting on the hearth-rug pressed close together, +Phillis gripping one of Robin's enormous hands in a pleasurable +condition of terrified interest. The fair copy of the "Importation of +Mad Dogs Bill," I regret to say, lay on the floor under the table. I +retired to my arm-chair. + +"The Kelpie," Robin continued, "came closer and closer behind her. +Already she could feel a hot breath on her neck." (So could Robin on +his, for that matter.) "But she did not give in. She ran faster and +faster until----" + +"You've forgotten to say she could hear its webbed feet going _pad pad_ +over the slippery stanes," interpolated Phillis anxiously. + +"So I did. I'm sorry. She could hear its webbed feet going _pad pad_ +over the slippery stanes. Presently though, she came to a wee bit housie +on the moor. It was empty, but she slippit through the yard-gate and +flew along the path and in at the door. The Kelpie came flying through +the gate----" + +"No, no--it loupit ower the dyke!" screamed Phillis, who would +countenance no tamperings with the original text. + +"Oh, yes. It loupit ower the dyke, but the wee lassie just slammed the +door in its face, and turned the key. Then she felt round in the dark +and keeked about, wondering what kind of place she was in. And at that +very moment, through a bit window in the wall----" + +"She went ben first." + +"Oh, yes. She went ben; and at that very moment, through the bit window +in the back-end of the house, there came a ray of light. The sun----" + +"The sun had risen," declaimed Phillis, triumphantly taking up the tale; +"and with one wild sheriek of disappointed rage the Kelpie vanished +away, and the wee lassie was _saved_!" + +There was a rapt pause after this exciting anecdote. Then Phillis +remarked-- + +"Uncle Robin, let's write that story down, and then I can get people to +read it to me." + +"Why not write it down for yourself?" + +"I can't write--much; and it ought to be writed in ink, and I--I am only +allowed to use pencil," explained my daughter, not without a certain +bitterness. "But I put the lead in my mouf," she added defiantly. + +At this moment the door of my apartment was hurled open, and Gerald +projected himself into the room. It was the evening before his return to +school, and there was a predatory look in his eye. He was accompanied by +his speechless friend. + +"Adrian, old son," he began, in such tones as an orator might address to +a refractory mob, "Moke and I are going to have a study next term, and +we want some furniture." + +I mildly remarked that in my day furniture was supplied by the school +authorities. + +"Yes, but I mean pictures and things. Can you give us one? We shall want +something to go on that wall opposite the window, shan't we, Moke? The +place where young Lee missed your head with the red-ink bottle. _Have_ +you got a picture handy, Adrian?" + +I replied in the negative. + +Gerald took not the slightest notice. + +"It will have to be a pretty big one," he continued. "There is a good +lot of red ink to cover. I have been taking a look round the house, and +I must say the pictures you've got are a fairly mangy lot--aren't they, +Moke?" + +The gentleman addressed coughed deprecatingly, and looked at me as much +as to say that, whatever he thought of my taste in art, he had eaten my +salt and would refrain from criticism. + +"There's one that might do, though," continued Gerald. "It's hanging in +the billiard-room--a big steamer in a storm." + +By this time Phillis and Robin had joined the conclave. + +"I know," said Phillis, nodding her head; "a great beautiful boat in +some waves. I should fink it was a friend of the _Great Eastern's_," she +added, referring to an antiquated print of the early Victorian leviathan +which hung in the nursery. + +"We could take it for a term or two, anyhow," continued Gerald, "until +we get something better. I'm expecting some really decent ones after +summer. Ainslie _major_ is leaving then, and he has promised to let me +have some of his cheap. Then you can have yours back, Adrian. That's the +scheme! Come on, Moke, we'll go and take it down now. Thanks very much, +old chap" (to me). "I'll tell Kitty that you've let us. We can jab it +off its hook with a billiard-cue, I should think, Moke. Come too, will +you, Mr Fordyce? You can stand underneath and catch it, in case it comes +down with a run. So long, Adrian!" + +The whole pack of them swept from the room, leaving the door open. + +When I looked in at the billiard-room on my way up to dress for dinner +an hour later, nothing remained to mark the spot hitherto occupied by a +signed and numbered proof of _An Ocean Greyhound_, by Michael Angelo +Mahlstaff, A.R.A. (a wedding gift to my wife and myself from the +artist), but the imprints of several hot hands on the wall, together +with a series of parallel perpendicular scars, apparently inflicted by a +full-sized harrow. + +From which two chapters it will be gathered that Robert Chalmers Fordyce +was a man capable, in his ordinary working-day, of playing many parts. + + + + +CHAPTER SEVEN. + +A DISSOLUTION OF PARTNERSHIP. + +I. + + +My wife and I would have been more than human if we had not occasionally +cast a curious eye upon the relations of Robin and the Twins. + +Of Robin's attitude towards that pair of charmers Kitty could make +little and I nothing. He kept his place and went his own way--rather +ostentatiously, I thought--and appeared if anything to avoid them. If he +found himself in their company he treated them with a certain grave +reticence--he soon grew out of his fondness for addressing us like a +public meeting--and made little attempt to bestow upon them the +attentions which young maidens are accustomed to receive from young men. + +There was no mystery about the Twins' attitude towards Robin. "Here," +said they in effect, "is a fine upstanding young man, full of promise, +but hampered in every direction by abysmal ignorance on matters of vital +importance. His instincts are sound, but at present he is quite +impossible. What he wants is mothering." + +And so they mothered him, most maternally. They exerted themselves quite +strenuously to instil into him the fundamental principles of life--the +correct method of tying a dress tie; the intricate ritual which governs +such things as visiting-cards and asparagus; the exact limit of the +domains of brown boots and dinner-jackets; the utter criminality of +dickeys, turn-down collars, and side-whiskers; and the superiority of +dialogue to monologue as a concomitant to afternoon tea. + +In many respects, they discovered with pleased surprise, their pupil +required no instruction or surveillance. For instance, he could always +be trusted to enter or leave a room without awkwardness, and his manner +of address was perfect. He was neither servile nor familiar, and the +only people to whom I ever saw him pay marked deference were the members +of what is after all the only real and natural aristocracy in the +world--that of old age. + +All their ministrations Robin received with grave wonder--he was not of +the sort that can easily magnify a fetish into a deity--but, evidently +struck by the intense importance attached by the Twins to their own +doctrines, he showed himself a most amenable pupil. Probably he +realised, in spite of hereditary preference for inward worth as opposed +to outward show, that though a coat cannot make a man, a good man in a +good coat often has the advantage of a good man in a bad coat. So he +allowed the Twins to round off his corners; and, without losing any of +his original ruggedness of character or toughness of fibre, he soon +developed into a well-groomed and sufficiently presentable +adjunct--quite distinguished-looking, Dilly said, when she met us one +day on our way down to the House--to a lady's morning walk. + +What he really thought of it all I do not know. I have a kind of +suspicion that deep down in his heart every Scot entertains a contempt +for the volatile and frivolous English which is only equalled by that of +the English for the nation to whom I once heard a Highland minister +refer as "the giddy and godless French"; but Robin was not given to the +revelation of his private thoughts. He seldom spoke of the Twins to +me--he was a discusser of manners rather than men--but he once remarked +that they were girls of widely different character. He entered into no +further details, but I remember being struck by the observation at the +time; for I had always regarded my sisters-in-law as being as identical +in disposition as they were in appearance. + +Still it was pretty to see Robin unbending to please the two girls, and +to hear him say "No, really?" or "My word, what rot!" when you knew that +his tongue was itching to cry, "Is that a fact?" or "Hoots!" or +"Havers!" as the occasion demanded. + +He also possessed the great and unique merit of not being ashamed to ask +for guidance in a difficulty. I have known him pause before an +unfamiliar dish at table and ask one of his preceptresses, in the +frankest manner possible, whether the exigencies of the situation called +for a spoon or a fork: and out of doors it was a perpetual joy to hear +him whisper, on the approach of some one whom he thought might be a +friend of ours, "Will I lift my hat?" + +All that year Robin was my right hand. It was a long session; and as +my Chief sat in the Upper House, much work in the way of answering +questions and making statements fell upon me. We had a good working +majority, but the Opposition were a united and well-organised body +that year, and we had to rise early and go to bed late to keep their +assaults at bay while proceeding with the programme of the session. +Every afternoon, before I entered the House to take my place at +question-time, my secretary insisted on taking me through the answers +which he had prepared for my recitation; and we also discussed the +line of action to be pursued if I were cornered by questions of the +"arising-out-of-that-answer" order. + +Personally, I loathed this part of the work--I am a departmentalist pure +and simple--but Robin's eye used to glow with the light of battle as he +rehearsed me in the undoubtedly telling counters with which I was to +pulverise the foe. + +"I would like fine," he once said to me, "to stand up in your place and +answer these questions for you." + +"I wish you could, Robin," I sighed. "And," I added, "I believe you will +some day." + +Robin turned pink, for the first time in our acquaintance, and I heard +his teeth click suddenly together. + +So the wind lay that way! + + + +II. + + +During the next year my household was furnished with three surprises, +Dilly contributing one and Robin two. + +Robin's came first. One was his uncle, the other his book. + +One night it fell to my lot to dine in the City, as the guest of the +Honourable Company of Tile-Glazers and Mortar-Mixers. As I swam +forlornly through a turgid ocean of turtle-soup and clarified punch +towards an unyielding continent of fish, irrigated by brown sherry, +mechanically rehearsing to myself the series of sparkling yet +statesmanlike epigrams with which I proposed to reply to the toast of +his Majesty's Ministers I became aware that the gentleman on my left was +addressing me in a voice that seemed vaguely familiar. + +"And how is my brother's second boy doing with you, Mr Inglethwaite?" + +I must have looked a trifle blank, for he added-- + +"My nephew, Robin." + +I glanced obliquely at the card which marked his place at table, and +read-- + + _Sir James Fordyce._ + +Then I began to grasp the situation, and I realised that this great man, +whose name was honourably known wherever the ills of childhood are +combated, was Robin's uncle, the "doctor" to whom my secretary had +casually referred, and whom he occasionally went to visit on Sunday +afternoons. I had pictured an overdriven G.P., living in Bloomsbury or +Balham, with a black bag, and a bulge in his hat where he kept his +stethoscope. A man sufficiently distinguished to represent his +profession at a public banquet was more than I had bargained for. + +We became friends at once, and supported each other, so to speak, amid +the multitude of dinners and dishes, our respective neighbours proving +but broken reeds so far as social intercourse was concerned. On Sir +James's left, I remember, sat a plethoric gentleman whose burnished +countenance gave him the appearance of a sort of incarnate Glazed Tile; +while my right-hand neighbour, from the manner in which he manipulated +the food upon his plate, I put down without hesitation as a Mortar Mixer +of high standing. + +The old gentleman gave me a good deal of information about Robin. + +"He had a hard fight his first year or two in London," he said. "I could +see by the way he fell upon his dinner when he came to my house that his +meat and drink were not easily come by. Still, now that he has won +through, he will not regret the experience. I had it myself. It is the +finest training that a young man can receive. Hard, terribly hard, but +invaluable! You will not have seen his father yet--my brother John?" + +I told him no. + +"Well, try and meet him. You, as an Englishman, would perhaps call him +hard and narrow,--after forty years of London I sometimes find him so +myself,--but he is a fine man, and he has a good wife. So have you," he +added unexpectedly--"Robin has told me that." + +I laughed, in what the Twins call the "silly little gratified way" which +obtrudes itself into my demeanour when any one praises Kitty. + +"I hope you are in the same happy situation," I said. + +"No, I am a bachelor. My brother John has not achieved a K.C.B., but he +is a more fortunate man than I." + +The conversation dropped here, but I repeated it to my wife afterwards. + +"Of course, the whole thing is as clear as daylight," she said. "These +two brothers both wanted to marry the same girl. She took the farmer +one, so the other, poor thing, went off to London and became a famous +doctor instead. That's all. He might have been Robin's father, but he's +only his uncle." + +Happy the mind which can reconstruct a romance out of such scanty +material. + +Sir James ultimately dined at my house, and became a firm friend of all +that dwelt therein, especially Phillis. + +Then came Robin's second surprise--his book. It was a novel, and a very +good novel too. He had been at it for some time, he told me, but it was +only recently that he had contrived to finish it off. Being distrustful +of its merits, he had decided to offer it to just one good publisher, +who could take it or leave it. If he took it, well and good. But if the +publisher (and possibly just one other) exhibited an attitude of +aloofness, Robin had fully decided not to hawk his bantling about among +other less reputable and more amenable firms, but to consign it to his +bedroom fire. + +However, this inhuman but only-too-unusual sacrifice of the parental +instinct was averted by the one good publisher, who accepted the book, +and introduced Robin to the public. + +Either through shyness or indifference Robin had told us nothing of the +approaching interesting event, and it was not until one morning in +October, when a parcel of complimentary copies arrived from the +publisher's, that we were apprised of the fact that we had been +cherishing an author in our midst. Robin solemnly presented us with a +copy apiece (which I thought handsome but extravagant), and also sent +one to his parents, who, though I think they rather doubted the +propriety of possessing a son who wrote novels at all, wrote back +comparing it very favourably with _The Pilgrim's Progress_, the only +other work of fiction with which they were acquainted. + +The book itself dealt with matters rather than men, and with men rather +than women; which was characteristic of its author, but rather +irritating for the Twins. It had a good deal to say about the under-side +of journalism,--graphic and convincing, all this,--and contained a +rather technical but absorbingly interesting account of some most +exciting financial operations, winding up with a great description of a +panic on the Stock Exchange. But there were few light and no tender +passages, from which it will be seen that Robin as an author appealed to +the male rather than the female intellect. + +The Twins, I think, were secretly rather disappointed with the book, +less from any particular fondness for the perusal of love-passages than +from a truly human desire to note how Robin would have handled them; for +it is always interesting to see to what extent our friends will give +themselves away when they commit the indiscretion of a book. On this +occasion Robin had been exasperatingly self-contained. + +But life is full of compensations. There was a dedication. It read:-- + + THIS BOOK + + OWES ITS INCEPTION, + + AND IS THEREFORE + + DEDICATED, + + TO + + A CIRCUMSTANCE + + OVER + + WHOM + + I HAVE NO CONTROL. + + R. C. F. + +Now it is obvious that in nine cases out of ten there is only one +circumstance over whom a vigorous young man has no control, and this +circumstance wears petticoats. Hitherto I had not seriously connected +Robin with the tender passion, and this sudden intimation that the most +serious-minded and ambitious of young men is not immune from the same +rather startled me. + +The female members of my establishment were pleasantly fluttered, though +they were concerned less with the lady's existence than with her +identity. + +"Who do you think she is?" inquired Kitty of me, the first time the +subject cropped up between us. + +"Don't know, I'm sure," I murmured. I was smoking my post-prandial cigar +at the time, at peace with all the world. "Never had the privilege of +seeing his visiting-list." + +"I wonder who she can be," continued my wife. "He--he hasn't said +anything to you, has he, dear?" she inquired, in a tentative voice. + +I slowly opened one of my hitherto closed eyes, and cocked it +suspiciously at the diplomatist sitting opposite to me. (The Twins and +Robin were out at the theatre.) Then, observing that she was stealthily +regarding me through her eyelashes--a detestable trick which some women +have--I solemnly agitated my eyelid some three or four times and gently +closed it again. + +"Has he confided any of his love affairs to you, I mean?" continued +Kitty, quite unabashed. + +"If you eat any more chocolates you will make yourself sick," I +observed. + +"Yes, dear," said my wife submissively, pushing away the bon-bon dish. +"But has he?" + +"Are you trying to pump me?" + +"Oh, gracious, no! What would be the good? I only asked a plain +question. You men are such creatures for screening each other, though, +that it's never any use asking a man anything about another man." + +"True for you. As a matter of fact, Robin has hardly said a word to me +on the subject of women since first I met him." + +Kitty thoughtfully cracked a filbert with her teeth--an unladylike habit +about which I have often spoken to her--and said-- + +"What exciting chats you must have!" Then she added reflectively-- + +"I expect it's a girl in Scotland. A sort of Highland lassie, in a kilt, +or whatever female Highlanders wear." + +"Why should a novel about the Stock Exchange 'owe its inception' to a +Highland lassie?" + +Kitty took another filbert. + +"That's 'vurry bright' of you, Adrian, as that American girl used to +say. There's something in that. (Yes, I know you don't like it, dear, +but I love doing it. I'll pour you out another glass of port. There!) +But any idiotic excuse is good enough for a man in love. Has he ever +been sentimental with you--quoted poetry, or anything?" + +"N-no. Stop, though! He did once quote Burns to me, but that was _ŕ +propos_ of poetry in general, not of love-making." + +I remembered the incident well. Robin had picked up at a bookstall a +copy of an early and quite valuable edition of Burns' poems. He had sat +smoking with me in the library late the same night, turning over the +pages of the tattered volume, and quoting bits, in broad vernacular, +from "Tam o' Shanter" and "The Cottar's Saturday Night." Suddenly he +began, almost to himself-- + + "O, my love is like a red, red rose, + That's newly sprung in June; + My love is like a melody + That's sweetly played in tune. + As fair art thou, my bonnie lass, + So deep in love am I----" + +He broke off for a moment, and I remembered how he glowered ecstatically +into the fire. Then he concluded-- + + "And I will love thee still, my dear, + Till a' the seas gang dry." + +"Man," he said, "that's fine! That's poetry. That's the real thing!" + +I had agreed. It is no use arguing with a Scot about Burns. (I remember +once being nearly dirked at a Caledonian Dinner because I ventured to +remark that "before ye" was not in my opinion a good rhyme to "Loch +Lomond.") + +However, Kitty and I were unable to decide whether Robin's "bonnie lass" +on that occasion had been a personality or an abstraction. + +"Mightn't it be one of the Twins?" I remarked. + +"Well, it _might_ be," admitted Kitty judicially, "but he has kept it +very close if it is. No," she continued more decidedly, "I don't think +it can be. They are quite out of his line. Besides--it would be too +absurd!" + +It was not one Twin at any rate, for a fortnight later Dilly sprung upon +us the third surprise of the series I have mentioned. She announced that +she had decided to marry Dicky Lever. + +There was, I suppose, nothing very surprising in that. Dicky had been in +constant attendance upon the Twins for nearly two years, and had long +since graduated into the ranks of the Good Sorts. The surprise to +us--rather unreasonably, perhaps--lay in the fact of-- + +1. Dicky having definitely fixed upon a particular Twin to propose to; + +2. That Twin having definitely selected Dicky out of the assortment at + her command. + +I was so accustomed to seeing my sisters-in-law compassed about by a +cloud of young men who appeared to admire them both equally, and to whom +they appeared to apportion their favours with indiscriminate +_camaraderie_, that the idea of one admirer stealing a march on all the +others seemed a little unfair, somehow. + +As Dolly remarked, it would break up the firm horribly. + +"You see," she confided to me rather plaintively, "Dilly will have no +use for them now, and they'll have still less use for her--an engaged +girl beside other girls is about as exciting as a tapioca-pudding at a +Lord Mayor's Banquet--and they will only have me. That won't be half the +fun." + +"I should have thought that your fun would have been exactly doubled," I +said. + +"Not a bit. How like a man! Don't you see, the fun used to be in playing +them backwards and forwards between our two selves--like ping-pong, you +know! It was clinking!" + +She sighed regretfully. + +"Now I shall either have to avoid men or marry them," she concluded, +vaguely but regretfully. "Before, if they got in the way, I could always +volley them back to Dilly. Now--one _can't_ play ping-pong all by +oneself!" + + + +III. + +Dilly's engagement, as is usual under such circumstances, afforded my +household many opportunities for airy badinage and innocent merriment. + +Dolly always heralded her coming into the billiard-room, where the +affianced pair had staked out a claim, by a cough of penetrating +severity, and usually entered the room with her features obscured by an +open umbrella. On several occasions, too, she impersonated her sister; +and once, when Dicky was spending a week-end in the house, was only +prevented by the fraction of a second from robbing that incensed damosel +of her morning salute. + +My share in the proceedings was limited to a single constrained +interview with Dicky, at which, feeling extremely rude and inquisitive, +I asked him the usual stereotyped questions about his income, prospects, +and habits (most of which I knew only too well already), which, being +satisfactorily answered, I rang the bell for the Tantalus, and thanked +heaven that the Twins were not Triplets. I had indeed suggested that +Dilly's nearest and most natural protector was her brother, Master +Gerald, and that Dicky should apply not for my consent but his. This +motion, however, was negatived without a division. I was sorry, for I +think my brother-in-law would have shown himself worthy of the occasion. + +My wife received the news of the engagement with all the enthusiasm +usually exhibited by a Salvation lassie when a fresh convert is hustled +forward to the "saved" bench, and henceforth divided her time between +ordering Dilly's trousseau and giving tea-parties, at which the +prospective bridegroom was produced and passed round, "as if," to use +his own expression, "he were the newest thing in accordion-pleating." + +As regards Robin's share in the event, I can only recall one incident. +He had been away at Stoneleigh, the largest town in my constituency, on +some party business, and when he returned home the engagement had been +announced for nearly a week. + +"I must go and offer my good wishes to Miss Dilly," he said, after +hearing the news. "Do you know where she is, Mrs Inglethwaite?" + +"I saw her upstairs a few minutes ago," said Kitty. "Come up, and we'll +find her." + +We were in the library at the time, and Kitty and Robin left the room +together. The rest of the story my wife told me later. + +"We went up," she said, "and looked into the drawing-room, where I had +last seen Dilly. The room was nearly dark, but she was there, sitting +curled up in front of the fire. + +"'There she is,' I said. 'Go and say something nice.' + +"Well, dear,"--Kitty's face assumed an air of impressive solemnity which +makes her absurdly like her daughter--"he stood hesitating a moment, and +then walked straight up to her and said-- + +"'Good afternoon! Can you tell me where your sister is? I want to offer +her my good wishes on the great event.' + +"It wasn't Dilly at all. It was Dolly! And he was able to distinguish +between the two in that dim room. And _I_ couldn't!" + +"Oh," said I carelessly, "I expect he noticed she wasn't wearing an +engagement-ring." + +My wife looked at me and sighed, as over one who would spoil a romance +for want of a ha'porth of sentiment. And yet I know she would have been +quite scandalised if any one had hinted at tender passages between her +sister and my secretary. Women are curious creatures. + + + + +CHAPTER EIGHT. + +OF A PIT THAT WAS DIGGED, AND WHO FELL INTO IT. + + +Dicky Lever was a hearty and not particularly intellectual youth of the +What ho! type (if you know what I mean). He was employed in some +capacity in a Government office, but his livelihood was not entirely +dependent on his exertions therein--which was, perhaps, fortunate, as +his sole claim to distinction in his Department lay in the fact of his +holding the record for the highest score at small cricket in the Junior +Secretaries' room. He was a member of the Leander Club, a more than +usually capable amateur actor, and a very good fellow all round. + +The engagement was announced at the end of July, which is a busy time +for this country's legislators. The session was drawing to a close, and +we were passing Bills with a prodigality and despatch which provoked +many not altogether undeserved gibes from a reptile Opposition Press +concerning the devotion of his Majesty's Government to the worship of +Saint Grouse. + +One night I brought Champion home to dinner between the afternoon and +evening sittings. At the latter he was to move the second reading of his +"Municipal Co-ordination Bill," a measure which was intended to grapple +with the chaos arising from the multitude of opposing or overlapping +interests that controlled the domestic arrangements of the Londoner. An +effort was to be made to bring all the Gas, Electricity, Water, Paving, +and other corporations into some sort of line, and prevent them from +getting into each other's way and adding to the expenses and +inconvenience of the much-enduring ratepayer. It was a useful little +Bill; but though everybody approved of it on principle, various powerful +interests were at work against it, and its prospects of getting through +Committee hung in the balance. + +"Now, Mr Champion," said Dilly, who knew that a man always likes to be +questioned about his work, especially by a pretty girl, "what will your +Bill do for _us_? I have asked this person here,"--indicating her +_fiancé_,--"but he says parish-pump politics aren't in his department. +He licks stamps at the Foreign Office," she added in explanation. + +"Tell her, Champion," said Dicky. "Out of my line altogether. Takes me +all my time to keep an eye on those Johnnies in the Concert of Europe." + +"I will tell you one thing the Bill will do, Miss Dilly," said Champion, +a little heavily. (Dolly once said of him, "He's awfully clever and able +and all that, but he hasn't got a light hand for conversational +pastry.") "How many times have you noticed the streets up about here +this year?" + +"Heaps," said Dilly. + +"They have hardly ever been down," corroborated Dolly. + +"Let me see," continued Dilly. "Our side of the Square was repaved in +January. Directly after that they took it up again and did something to +the drains." + +"In March they opened it again to lay down an electric light main," said +I. + +"In April something burst," said Dolly, "and that meant more men with +wigwams and braziers." + +"And last month," concluded Dilly, "they took away the wood pavement and +relaid the whole Square with some new patent asphalte, which smelt +simply, oh----" + +"Rotten!" supplied Gerald. (Have I mentioned that he had just arrived +home for his summer holiday?) + +"Well," said Champion, "the Bill would regulate that sort of thing. It +would protect the streets from being torn up at will by any Company who +happened to have business underneath them. As things are, practically +any one may come along and hew holes anywhere he pleases." + +"The police ought to stop it," said Kitty, who has a profound belief in +the Force. (I am convinced that if Beelzebub himself were to enter the +house at any time during my absence, Kitty would lure him into the +dining-room with the sherry, and then telephone for a constable.) + +"The police have no right," said Champion. "If a gas company choose to +give notice that they intend on a certain day to come and burrow in a +road, all the police can do is to divert the traffic, and make the gas +company as comfortable as possible." + +I was not following this conversation with any particular interest. +Being expected to speak in favour of the Bill that night, I was +undergoing the preliminary anguish which invariably attends my higher +oratorical efforts. But I remember now that about this time Dilly +suddenly turned to Dicky and whispered something in his ear. Then they +both looked across the dinner-table at Robin, who nodded, as who should +say, "I know fine what you whispered then." After that they all three +laughed and looked down the table at Champion, who was still expatiating +on the merits of his Bill. + +I suppose anybody else would have divined what was in the wind, but I +did not. + + * * * * * + +A week later we were treated to an all-night sitting. The Irishmen had +been quiescent of late, but on this occasion they made amends for their +temporary relaxation of patriotism by resolutely obstructing an +Appropriation Bill, which had to pass through Committee that night (if +John Bull was to have any ready cash at all during the next few months), +and kept us replying to amendments and trotting through division-lobbies +until six o'clock next morning. + +Robin stayed on in attendance at the House most of the night, but about +three o'clock I sent him home, with instructions to stay in bed till +tea-time if he pleased. He had had a hard time lately. + +I was walking homeward in the early sunshine, marvelling, as people who +accidentally find themselves up early pharisaically do, at the fatuity +of those who waste the best hours of the whole day in bed, and revelling +in the near prospect of a bath and my breakfast, when on turning a +corner I walked into a hand-cart which was standing across the pavement. +It contained workmen's tools--picks, shovels, and the like. On the near +side of the roadway a man was erecting one of those curious wigwam +arrangements which screen the operations of electricians and other +subterranean burrowers from the public gaze. A dirty-faced small boy in +corduroys was tending a brazier of live coals, upon which some breakfast +cans were steaming. Between the wigwam and the pavement a gigantic navvy +was hewing wooden paving-blocks out of the roadway. + +The spectacle did not attract my interest specially, as this particular +piece of street had been eviscerated so often that I had grown callous +to its sufferings. But I paused for a moment to survey the big navvy's +muscles, and to wonder how early in the morning it would be necessary to +rise in order to catch a small boy with a clean face. The navvy was a +fine specimen of humanity, with a complexion tanned a dusky coffee +colour. + +I was reflecting on the joys of the simple life and the futility of +politics and other indoor pastimes in general, when the big man rose +from his stooping posture and caught my eye. He appeared a little +disconcerted by my scrutiny, and turned his back and renewed his +exertions with increased vigour, favouring me hereafter with what +architects call a "south elevation" of himself. + +I went home to breakfast, wondering where I had seen the big navvy's +back before. I mentioned casually to Kitty and the Twins that Goring +Street was up again. They wondered how the management of the Goring +Hotel liked it, with that mess under their very windows, and agreed with +me that it was high time Champion's Bill, due for its Third Reading +to-morrow, became law. + +I stayed in bed till lunch-time, and then, rather late in the afternoon, +set out for the House, which I knew I should find in an extremely limp +condition after its previous night's dissipation. On the way I called in +at the Goring Hotel in Goring Street, where Champion lived when in town. +I found him in his room on the first floor, gazing out of the window +into the street. + +I looked out too, to see what was interesting him. Directly below us lay +the encampment of the workmen whom I had seen in the morning. They had +hewed up a few yards of the wood pavement, and the smaller of the two +men was now immersed up to his waist in a hole, working rather +laboriously in the restricted space at his command with a pick-axe. The +boy was piling wooden blocks into a neat heap, and the big man, whose +form was only partially visible, was doing something inside the wigwam. + +The roadway was more than half blocked, and cabs and omnibuses, in +charge of overheated and eloquent drivers, were being filtered through +the narrow space left at their disposal by a phlegmatic policeman. + +"Look here," said Champion. + +I looked. + +"What on _earth_ are those fellows doing?" he continued. + +"Re-laying the road, perhaps." + +"One doesn't re-lay a road by making a deep hole in it." + +"Well--gas!" + +"Gas and electric light mains in this street are all led along a special +conduit reached by manholes every eighty yards," said Champion. "There's +no need to dig." + +"Well--drains!" said I vaguely. But I was a mere child in the hands of +this expert. + +"The drains, as you call them," he said testily, "consist of a great +sewer away in the depths, accessible from various appointed places. +Besides, nobody in his senses tries to lift earth out of a hole with a +pick-axe." + +"Perhaps the solution of the mystery lies inside the wigwam," I said. + +"No. That is just what complicates matters. When a shaft leading down to +the electric light mains is opened, one of those canvas shelters is put +over the top. Now there is nothing under that shelter--nothing but the +bit of road it covers. The thing seems to be simply a stage accessory, +planted there to give the encampment an aspect of reality. Ah, look at +that!" + +"That" was a small piece of paving-wood, dexterously hurled by the +dirty-faced boy, who seemed to be finding time hang rather heavily on +his hands. It took a passing citizen in the small of the back, but when +he swung round to detect the source of the missile the boy was on his +knees again industriously blowing up the brazier. + +With an indignant snort the citizen passed on his way, doubtless adding +the outrage, in his mind, to the long list of unsolved London crimes. +But retribution awaited the youthful miscreant. The phlegmatic policeman +who was regulating the traffic on the single-line system happened to +notice the deed. He walked majestically across from the far side of the +street towards our excavating friends. + +"Come on!" said Champion to me. "There's going to be some fun." + +We stepped out through one of the windows, which possessed a broad +balcony, and took our stand behind some laurels in tubs which lined the +balustrade. The street was comparatively quiet at the time, and we were +able to hear most of the dialogue that ensued. + +"'Ere, mate," began the traffic-expert to the smaller of the two +navvies, "just ketch that boy of yours a clip on the side of the 'ead, +will you?" + +The smaller man desisted from his labours in the hole. + +"Wotsye, ole sport?" he inquired cheerily. + +The policeman was a little ruffled by this familiarity. + +"I'll trouble _you_," he repeated with some hauteur, "to ketch that boy +of yours a clip on the side of the 'ead. If not, I shall 'ave to do my +duty, according----" + +Here the roar of a passing dray drowned his utterance. + +The smaller man clambered nimbly out of the hole and proceeded to grab +his young friend by the scruff of the neck. + +"Billy," he remarked dispassionately, "this gentleman says as 'ow I'm to +give you a clip on the side of the 'ead." + +"Woffor," inquired Billy, simulating extreme terror. + +The man passed the question on to the policeman, who explained the +nature of the offence. His statement was voluntarily corroborated by +several members of an audience which seemed to have materialised from +nowhere, and now formed a ring round the encampment. + +"Righto!" said the man with cheery acquiescence. "Billy, my lad, you've +got to 'ave it." + +"Tha's right, ole son! You give 'im socks," remarked a hoarse and rather +indistinct voice of the gin-and-fog variety, from among the spectators. + +Simultaneously its owner lurched his way to the front rank, the others +making room for him with that respectful sympathy, not unmixed with +envy, which is always accorded to a true-born Briton in his condition. +He was obviously a member of some profession connected with coal-dust, +and it was plain that he had been celebrating the conclusion of his +day's labours. + +The smaller navvy, thus exhorted, administered the desired clip. It was +not a particularly severe one, but it drew from its recipient the +somewhat unexpected expostulation-- + +"You silly ass! Not so hard!" + +Where had I heard that stentorian but childish voice before? Who was +this road-breaker's acolyte, with his brazier, his dirty face, and--a +public-school accent? + +I leaned over the balustrade and surveyed him and his two companions. +Then I drew my breath sharply. + +Merciful heavens! + +The dirty-faced boy was my brother-in-law, Master Gerald Rubislaw, the +clip-administerer was Dicky Lever, and the gigantic and taciturn navvy +was--my Secretary! + +Having witnessed the carrying-out of the sentence, the policeman +returned to his duties; none too soon; for a furniture van and a +butcher's cart, locked in an inextricable embrace, the subject of a +sulphurous duet between their respective proprietors, called loudly for +his attention. + +Meanwhile Coaldust, who had been inspecting the result of our friends' +united labours with some interest, suddenly echoed the question which +had first exercised Champion's logical mind by inquiring what the blank +dash the two adjectival criminals and the qualified nipper thought they +were doing to the asterisked road. + +He received no encouragement. Robin was now engaged with a hammer and +chisel in cutting a sort of touch-line all round the encampment, while +Dicky did not cease manfully to delve with the pick-axe in the pit which +he had digged for himself. For a long time they turned a deaf ear to the +anxious inquiries of their interlocutor. + +But there are limits to long-suffering. Coaldust's witticisms increased +with his audience, and at last Dicky turned to Robin and cried, with a +really admirable maintenance of character and accent-- + +"'Ere, Scotty, come and give this bloke one in the neck. 'E's askin' for +it!" + +Robin deliberately suspended operations, rose heavily to his feet, and +cleared his throat. Then he turned upon the alcoholic Coaldust. I +strained my ears. Surely _he_ was not going to talk Cockney! + +Far from it. He stuck to his last. + +"See here, ma man," he roared, in a voice that made the crowd jump, "are +ye for a ding on the side o' the heid?" + +Coaldust capitulated with alacrity. + +"No offence, 'Orace!" he remarked genially. "You an' me was always pals. +Put it there!" He extended an ebony hand, which Robin solemnly shook and +returned to his work. + +Whatever my three friends were up to, it is possible that they might now +have been left in peace for some time; for the crowd, seeing no chance +of further sport from Coaldust, began to melt away. But a fresh +character entered the scene to keep alive the nagging interest of the +drama. + +My first intimation that something new was afoot came from an errand-boy +on the edge of the crowd, who, addressing a lady or ladies unseen, +suddenly expressed a desire to be chased. + +All heads were now turned down the street, and there, approaching with +rather faltering steps, carrying a red cotton bundle and a tea-can, I +beheld--one of my sisters-in-law! + +Postulating Dicky, I presumed it was Dilly, and I began to piece +together in my mind the plot of this elaborate comedy. Evidently Dicky, +Robin, and Gerald had decided--for a bet, or because they were dared, or +possibly with a view to giving Champion's Bill a leg-up by a practical +demonstration of the crying need for it--to dress themselves up as +workmen and come and "do a turn," as they say in the music halls, to the +discomfort of his Majesty's lieges and the congestion of traffic, upon +some sufficiently busy thoroughfare for a stated period of time. + +Certainly they were doing it rather well. They were admirably made +up,--Dicky was a past-master at that sort of thing,--and their +operations so far had been sufficiently like the genuine article to +impose upon the public in general,--if we except Champion and +Coaldust,--even to the point of securing the assistance of the +traffic-directing policeman. + +But alas! with that one step further, which is so often fatal to great +enterprises, they had sought to add a finishing touch of realism to +their impersonation by the inclusion of a little feminine interest; and +to that end Dilly had been added to the cast--or more likely had added +herself--in the _rôle_ of a young person of humble station bringing her +affianced his tea. + +And, not for the first time in the history of man, it was the woman who +opened the door to disaster. + +Dilly wore a natty print dress--probably my housemaid's--with a tartan +shawl over her head. She had on her thickest shoes, but they were +woefully smart and thin for a girl of her class. Moreover, her hair was +beautifully arranged under the shawl, and her hands--though she had had +the sense to discard her ruby and sapphire engagement-ring--were too +white and her face was too clean to lend conviction to her +impersonation. In short, in her desire to present a pleasing _tout +ensemble_--an object in which I must say she had succeeded to +perfection--Dilly had utterly neglected detail and histrionic accuracy. + +Evidently she was not expecting a gallery. Two highly-interested +concentric circles--one of people and one of dogs--round her _fiancé's_ +encampment was rather more than she had bargained for. She had emerged +quite suddenly from a side street (which I knew led to a shortcut from +home) and now paused irresolutely a few yards away, crimson to the roots +of her hair, what time the errand-boy, with looks of undisguised +admiration, continued to reiterate his desire to be pursued. + +The crowd all turned and stared at poor Dilly. Obviously they did not +know what to make of her. Possibly she was some one from the chorus of a +musical comedy going to be photographed, possibly she was merely "a bit +balmy," or possibly she was an advertisement for something, and would +begin to distribute hand-bills presently. So far, she merely looked as +if she wanted to cry. + +It was Robin who saw her first. He immediately stepped over his +newly-completed touch-line, and taking the spotted bundle and the +tea-can from her hands, conducted her ceremoniously within the magic +circle, saying, in a voice much more like his own than before-- + +"Come away, lassie!" + +Dicky looked up from his labours at this, and beheld his _fiancée_ for +the first time. All he said was-- + +"By gad, you've done it after all! Bravo!" + +But Dilly did not appear to be at all gratified She merely sat on +Gerald's little mountain of paving-blocks, looking as if she could not +decide whether to throw her apron over her face and scream, or take a +header into the wigwam. My heart bled for her in spite of her folly. The +crowd, deeply interested and breathing hard, stood round waiting for the +performance to begin. + +It was Coaldust who took the lead. + +"Tip us a song and dance, Clara," he said encouragingly. + +Robin, who had been making a show of unfastening the bundle, suddenly +rose to his feet. Coaldust saw him. + +"All right, Carnegie," he remarked hurriedly. "No offence, ole pal!" + +But Robin turned to Dicky, and the two held a hasty conversation, whose +nature I could guess. Dilly could not be exposed to this sort of thing +any longer. They began to put on their coats. + +"They are going to give it up," I said, not without relief. "About time, +isn't it? Do you recognise them, Champion?" + +But Champion, I found, was gone--probably to establish an _alibi_. +Perhaps he was right. Questions might be asked in the House about this. + +When I turned again to the scene below I found that the crowd had +thickened considerably, and that the policeman had once more left the +traffic to congest itself, and joined in the game. + +"You must tell that young woman to move on," he said to Dicky, not +unkindly. "She's causin' a crowd to collect, and that's a thing she can +be give in charge for." + +"All right," said Dicky hurriedly, "we're all going." + +The policeman, struck by this sudden anxiety to oblige, became +suspicious. + +"All of you?" he said. "'Ow about this mess in the road?" + +Robin came to the rescue. + +"We'll be back presently and sort it," he said reassuringly. + +"Of course," said Dicky, pulling himself together. "Back in 'arf a tick, +governor!" + +"Don't you go callin' me names," said the policeman, as the spectators +indulged in happy laughter. + +"Sorry!--I mean, certainly!" said Dicky, getting flustered. (I could see +Robin glowering at him.) "We are just going down the street a minute. +This--er--girl has brought us a bit of bad news. There's been an +accident happened--er----" + +"To her puir old mither," put in Robin, whom I began to suspect of +rather enjoying this entertainment for its own sake. + +This heartrending piece of intelligence touched the crowd, and Coaldust +was instantly forward in proposing an informal vote of condolence, which +was seconded by a bare-armed lady in a deerstalker cap. But the +policeman, evidently roused by our friends' ill-judged and precipitate +attempt to strike camp, suddenly produced a pocket-book from his tunic, +and said-- + +"It is my duty to take your names and addresses, together with the name +of the firm employing you." + +This announcement obviously disconcerted Dicky and Robin; for it is one +thing to take part in a masquerade, and another to get out of the +consequences thereof by cold-drawn lying. + +However, the policeman was sucking his pencil and waiting, so Dicky +said-- + +"You can get all the information you want from the Borough Surveyor." + +It was a bold effort, but the policeman merely said-- + +"Your name, please!" + +Dicky, fairly cornered, replied-- + +"Er--Samuel"--I thought at first he was going to say "Inglethwaite," and +was prepared to drop a flower-pot on his head if he did; but he +continued, with the air of one offering a real bargain at the +price--"Phillipps." + +"Two P's?" inquired the constable. + +"Three," said Dicky. + +The policeman rolled a threatening eye upon him. + +"Be careful!" he said in an awful voice. + +"One of them comes at the beginning," said Dicky meekly. + +"Haw, haw!" roared several people in the crowd, which was unfortunate +for Dicky. He was one of those people who would risk a kingdom to raise +a laugh. + +"Address?" continued the policeman. + +"Buck'nam Pallis!" shouted Coaldust, before any one else in the crowd +could say it. + +The policeman turned and directed upon him a look that would have +entirely obfuscated a soberer man. + +"I'll attend to you presently," he said in the exact tones which my +dentist employs when he shuts me into the waiting-room. "Now then, your +address? Come along!" + +Dicky gave some address which I did not catch, and the representative of +the law turned to Robin. The latter evidently saw rocks ahead if the +inquisition was to be extended to the whole party. He said-- + +"Surely there is no need to take any more names." + +"I'll be responsible for the lot," added Dicky eagerly--too eagerly. +"Now let's be off! Come along Di--Liza!" + +He took Dilly by the arm, and, preceded by Gerald, began to press +through the crowd, which by this time extended almost right across the +street. + +But the now thoroughly aroused guardian of the peace, determined not to +be rushed like this, broke away from Robin, who was engaging him in +pleasant conversation, and, hastening after the retreating group, laid a +detaining and imperious hand on Dilly's arm. + +What happened next I was not quick enough to see. But there was a swirl +and a heave in the crowd, and presently Dicky became visible, standing +in a very heroic attitude with his arm round Dilly; while the policeman, +with an awe-inspiring deliberateness which implied "Now you _have_ gone +and done it!" extricated himself majestically but painfully from the +chasm in the road which had recently been occupying Dicky's attention, +and into which Dicky in defence of his beloved had apparently pushed +him. + +Picking up his pocket-book and putting it back into his chest, and +uttering the single and awful word "_Assault!_" the policeman produced a +whistle and blew it. + +Things were certainly getting serious, and I had just decided to send +out the hotel porter to the policeman to tell him to bring his captives +inside out of the way of the crowd, when I noticed that Robin was +ploughing his way towards the outskirts of the throng, waving his arm as +he went. Then I saw that his objective was another policeman--an +Inspector this time. He was a gigantic creature, and Robin and he, +slowly forging towards each other through the surrounding sea of faces, +looked like two liners in a tideway. + +Robin's conduct in deliberately attracting the notice of yet another +representative of law and order appeared eccentric on the face of it, +but his subsequent behaviour was more peculiar still. + +He seized the newly-arrived giant by the arm, and drew him apart from +the crowd, where he told him something which appeared to amuse them both +considerably. + +"Yewmorous dialogue," announced Coaldust to his neighbours, "between +Cleopartrer's Needle and the Moniment!" + +But it was more than that,--it was deep calling to deep. Presently the +explanation, or the joke, or whatever it was, came to an end, and the +Inspector advanced threateningly upon the crowd. + +"Pass along, there, pass along!" he cried with a devastating sweep of +his arm. He spoke with a Highland accent, and I realised yet once more +the ubiquity of that great Mutual Benefit Society which has its +headquarters north of the Tweed. + +The crowd politely receded about six inches, and through them, +accompanied by Robin, the Inspector clove his way to the encampment, +where Dicky, who seemed to be rapidly losing his head, was delivering a +sort of recitative to every one in general, accompanied by the policeman +on the whistle. + +What the Inspector said to his subordinate I do not know, but the net +result was that in a very short time the former was escorting the entire +party of excavators down the street, attended by a retinue of small boys +(who were evidently determined to see if it was going to turn out a +hanging matter); while the latter, to whom the clearing of the "house" +had evidently been deputed, set about that task with a vigour and +ferocity which plainly indicated a well-meaning and zealous mind +tingling under an entirely undeserved official snub. + + * * * * * + +They told me all about it in the smoking-room that night. + +"The idea," began Dicky, "was----" + +"Whose idea was it?" I inquired sternly "It was all of our idea," +replied my future relative by marriage lucidly. + +"But who worked it out?" I asked,--"the plot, the business, the 'props'? +It was a most elaborate production." + +"Never you mind that, old man," said Dicky lightly. (But I saw that +Robin was laboriously relighting his pipe and surrounding himself with +an impenetrable cloud of smoke.) "Listen to the yarn. The idea was to +stake out a claim in some fairly busy road and stay there for a given +time--say, six o'clock till tea-time--and kid the passing citizens that +we were duly authorised to get in the way and mess up the traffic +generally. If we succeeded we were going to write to _The Times_ or some +such paper and tell what we had done--anonymously, of course--just to +show how necessary Champion's Bill is." + +"Have you written the letter?" + +"Yes." + +"I wouldn't send it if I were you." + +"Well, that's what Robin here has been saying." + +"Putrid rot if we don't!" remarked Gerald, who had by this time washed +his face, but ought to have been in bed for all that. + +"We can't do it," said Robin. "For one thing, we have attracted quite +enough public attention already,--it's bound to be in the papers anyhow, +now, and that will probably give the Bill all the advertisement it +needs,--and if we give the authorities any more clues our names may come +out. For another thing, it wouldn't be fair to Hector MacPherson." + +"Who is he?" + +"That Inspector who came up at the critical moment. He was one of my +first friends in London." + +"I remember. Go on." + +"I was thankful to see him, I can tell you. Well, he undertook to square +that poor bewildered bobby, and to take steps to get the road cleared +and the hole filled up." + +"How?" + +"There is a street being mended just round the corner, and he said he +would get the foreman of the gang, who is a relation of his wife's, to +send a couple of men to put things right immediately. It's probably done +by now." + +"Then I suppose we may regard the incident as closed." + +"Yes, I suppose so." + +There was a silence. + +"It was a bit of a failure at the finish," said Dicky meditatively, "but +it was a success on the whole--what?" + +"Rather!" said his fellow-conspirators. + +"Our chief difficulty," continued Dicky, "was to decide on the exact +type of drama to present. I was all for our dressing up as foreigners, +and relaying an asphalte street. It would have been top-hole to trot +about in list slippers and pat the hot asphalte down with those things +they use. And think of the make-up!--curly moustaches and earrings! And +we could have jabbered spoof Italian. But then old Robin here, who I +must say has a headpiece on him, pointed out that the scenery and props +would be much too expensive. We should want a cart with a bonfire in it +and a sort of witches' cauldron on top, and all kinds of sticky stuff; +so we gave up that scheme. We did not feel inclined to mess with +gas-pipes or electric wires either, in case we burst ourselves up; so we +finally decided to select some street with a wooden pavement, and maul +it about generally for as long as we could. If we got interfered with by +anybody official, we meant to talk some rot about the Borough Surveyor, +and skedaddle if necessary. But it all worked beautifully!" + +"Where did you get your tools and tent?" + +"Robin managed that," said Dicky admiringly. + +Robin looked extremely dour, and I refrained from further inquiry. + +"Robin's got some rum pals, I _don't_ think!" observed Gerald +pertinently. + +"Didn't I make these chaps up well?" continued Dicky enthusiastically. +"We roared when you passed us at breakfast-time without spotting us." + +"Very creditable impersonation," I replied, getting up and knocking my +pipe out. "I only hope I shan't have to resign my seat over it. If I may +venture to offer a criticism, the weak spot in the enterprise was the +idea of inviting your lady friends to come and take tea with you." + +"Just what I said all along, my boy," remarked the experienced Gerald, +wagging his head sagely. "That was what mucked up the show. Wherever +there's a petticoat there's trouble. Oh, I _warned_ them!" + +On my way up to bed I flushed Dilly from a window-seat on the staircase, +where she had evidently been lingering on the off-chance of a +supplementary good-night from Dicky. + +"Well?" I said severely. + +"Well?" + +"Do you know what time it is?" + +"I expect your wife will tell you that when you get upstairs," said +Dilly. + +I tried a fresh line. + +"After the labours of to-day, I should have thought you would have been +glad to go to bed," I said. "You imp!" And I laughed. There is something +very disarming about the Twins' misdemeanours. + +We turned and walked upstairs together, and paused outside Dilly's door. + +"Good-night, Dilly," I said. "I admired your pluck." + +"It wasn't me," said Dilly, in a very small voice. + +"Not you?" + +"N-no. I said I would come, because Dicky said I daren't, and at the +last moment I funked it. (Adrian, I simply couldn't!) So Dolly went +instead." + +"Then that was Dolly all the time?" + +"Yes." + +"And she went, just to--to----" + +"To save my face. She's a brick," said Dilly. + +This, by the way, was the first occasion on which I realised the truth +of Robin's dictum that Dilly and Dolly were girls of widely different +character. + +"And didn't the others recognise her?" + +"No. That's the best of it!" + +"Not Dicky?" + +"No." + +"Not even Robin? He is pretty hard to deceive, you know." + +"No, not even Robin. _None_ of them know Good-night!" + +But she was wrong. + + + + +CHAPTER NINE. + +THE POLICY OF THE CLOSED DOOR. + + +Dilly's wedding took place the following summer, just before Parliament +rose, and the resources of our establishment were strained to the +uttermost to give her a fitting send-off. + +It is true that a noble relative, the head of my wife's family, offered +his house for the reception, but Dilly emphatically declined to be +married from any but mine, saying prettily that she would not leave the +roof under which she had lived so happily until the last possible +moment. + +Accordingly we made immense preparations. The drawing-room on the first +floor, accustomed though it was to accommodate congested and +half-stifled throngs of human beings, was deemed too small for the mob +of wedding-guests whom Kitty expected. + +"You see, dear," she explained, "we can squash up _good_ people as much +as we like, because their clothes don't matter; but women in +wedding-frocks will be furious if they don't get enough elbow-room to +show themselves." + +Accordingly a marquee was erected in the garden at the back of the +house, opening into the dining-room through the French windows, and it +was arranged that Dicky and Dilly were to take their stand in the middle +of the same, what time the guests, having lubricated their utterance at +the _buffet_ in the dining-room _en route_, filed past and delivered +their congratulations. After that the company was to overflow into the +garden, there to be moved by a concord of sweet sounds emanating from a +band of assassins in pseudo-Hungarian uniforms. + +"And if it rains," concluded Kitty desperately, "they must have an +overflow meeting in the basement--that's all!" + +My library, as I had feared, was appropriated for the presents, and for +several days I transacted the business of State at the wash-hand-stand +in my dressing-room, while a stream of callers, ranging from the members +of a Working Men's Club in which Dilly was fitfully interested, down to +an organisation of Kitty's whose exact title I can never recall (but +which Dicky, on first seeing them, immediately summed up as "The Hundred +Worst Women"), filed solemnly past rows of filigree coffee-services, +silver-backed hair-brushes, and art pen-wipers. + +Of the bride-elect I saw little, and when I did, she was usually +standing, in a state of considerable _déshabille_, amid a kneeling group +of myrmidons, who, with mouths filled with pins and brows seamed with +anxiety, were remorselessly building her into some edifice of shimmering +silk and filmy lace, oblivious of their victim's plaintive intimations +that she was fit to drop. + +Dicky invited Robin to be his best man, a proceeding which, while it +roused some surprise among those who were expecting him to fix upon a +friend of longer standing and greater distinction, showed his good +sense, for my secretary proved himself a model of organisation and +helpfulness. Although born and reared up in the straitest sect of some +Scottish denomination, about which I am unable to particularise beyond +the fact that they regarded the use of harmoniums in churches as "the +worship of men's feet," he betrayed a surprising knowledge of Anglican +ritual and stage effect. + +On the wedding morning, having left the bridegroom securely tucked up in +bed, under strict orders not to get up till he was called, Robin +personally conducted a select party of those interested--Dolly, Dilly, +another bridesmaid, and myself--to the church, where he showed us the +exact positions of our entrances and exits; and then proceeded, with the +assistance of Dolly, to plant hassocks about the chancel in such a +manner as to leave us no doubts as to the whereabouts of our moorings +(or "stances," as he called them) at the actual ceremony. + +The party was reinforced at this point by the arrival of no less a +person than the bridegroom, who, having risen from his slumbers in +defiance of Robin's injunctions, was now proceeding to infringe the laws +of propriety by coming in search of his beloved four hours before he was +entitled to do so. + +However, as Dilly rather pessimistically pointed out, it was probably +the last time she would ever get a kind word out of him, so we gave them +ten minutes together in the porch, while Robin interviewed vergers and +Dolly intimidated perspiring persons with red carpets and evergreens. + +On our return home Dilly was snatched away by a cloud of attendant +sprites, and we saw her no more until the time came for me to drive her +to the church. We heard of her, though; for as we sat at luncheon, +plying the bridegroom (who had collapsed after the complete and +inevitable fashion of his kind about twelve o'clock) with raw brandy, a +message came down from the upper regions, to the effect that Miss Dilly +would take a couple of veal cutlets and a glass of Burgundy, as she +wasn't going to be a pale bride if she could help it! + +However, this half-hysterical gaiety came to an end in the face of +reality, and in the carriage on the way to church poor Dilly wept +unrestrainedly on my shoulder. I mopped her up to the best of my +ability, but she was still sobbing when we reached the church door, to +find the six bridesmaids, together with Phillis (inordinately proud of +her office of train-bearer), preening themselves in the porch. + +It had been arranged that the organ should break into "The March of the +Priests," from 'Athalie'--Dicky's petition in favour of an +ecclesiastical rendering of "The Eton Boating Song" had been thrown out +with ignominy--as the bridal procession entered the nave. Unfortunately +the organ-loft was out of sight of the west door, by which we were to +enter, and the conveyance of the starting-signal to the proper quarter +at exactly the right moment was a matter of some difficulty. However, +Robin's gift for stage-management was sufficient to meet the emergency. +When all was ready Dolly calmly mounting the steps of the font to an +eminence which commanded a precarious but sufficient view of the body of +the church, briefly fluttered a scrap of lace handkerchief, and then +stepped demurely down into her place at the head of the bridesmaids. +Simultaneously the organ burst into the opening strains of Mendelsohn's +march--I suppose Robin had been waiting at some point of vantage to pass +the signal on--and we advanced up the aisle, amid a general turning of +heads and flutter of excitement. + +The church was packed. In the back pew I remember noticing three young +men with pads of flimsy paper and well-sucked pencils. I distinctly +caught sight of the words "Sacred edifice" in the nearest MS., and I +have no doubt the others contained it as well. + +But Dilly was still quaking on my arm, and the only other spectacle +which attracted my attention on the way up the aisle was that of my wife +(looking very like a bride herself, I thought), sitting in a front pew +with Master Gerald, that infant phenomenon shining resplendently in a +white waistcoat and a "buttonhole" which almost entirely obscured his +features. Then I caught sight of Robin's towering shoulders and the pale +face and glassy eye of the bridegroom, and I knew that we had brought +our horses to the water at last, and all that now remained to do was to +make them drink. + +The rest of the ceremony passed off with due impressiveness, if we +except a slight _contretemps_ arising from the behaviour of my daughter, +who, suddenly remembering that the junior bridesmaid but one had not yet +passed any opinion on her new shoes, suddenly sat down on the bride's +train, and, thrusting the shoes into unmaidenly prominence, audibly +invited that giggling damsel's approbation of the same. However, the +ever-ready organ drowned her utterance with a timely Amen, and Dicky and +Dilly completed the plighting of their troth with becoming shyness but +obvious sincerity. + +Then came the inevitable orgy of osculation in the vestry, from which I +escaped with nothing worse, so to speak, than a few scratches, despite +an unprovoked and unexpected flank attack (when I was signing the +register) from an elderly female in bugles, whom I at first took to be a +rather giddy pew-opener, but who ultimately proved to be a maiden aunt +of the bridegroom's. + +After Dicky and Dilly--the latter miraculously restored to high spirits +and looking radiant--had passed smiling and blushing down the aisle, to +be received outside with breathless stares by a large assemblage of that +peculiar class of people--chiefly females of a certain age--who seem to +spend their lives in attending the weddings of total strangers, we all +got home, where there was much champagne, and cake-cutting, and +bride-kissing, and melody from the aforementioned musicians in the +garden. + +The presents--guarded with an air of studied aloofness by a +wooden-jointed detective, clad in garments of such festal splendour as +to delude several short-sighted old gentlemen into an impression that he +was the bridegroom--played their usual invaluable part in promoting +circulation among the guests, and supplying a topic for conversation. +They certainly sparkled and glittered bravely in the library, where the +blinds were drawn and the electric lamps turned on. (Kitty had seen to +that. Silver looks so well by artificial light, and so, by a happy and +unpremeditated coincidence, does the female sex.) + +The bride and bridegroom departed at last, amid a shower of rice, with +that emblem of conjugal felicity, the satin slipper, firmly adhering to +the back of the brougham. (Master Gerald had seen to _that_.) Then the +guests began to make their adieux and melt away, and presently we found +ourselves alone in the marquee, a prey to that swift and penetrating +melancholy that descends upon those who begin to be festive too early in +the day, and find themselves unable to keep it up till bed-time. + + * * * * * + +However, there was a recrudescence of activity and brightness in the +evening, as the idea of a small dance had been proposed and carried, and +the invitations issued and accepted, during the five minutes which +witnessed the departure of the more intimate section of the guests. + +When I returned from the House about midnight--I had gone there chiefly +to dine, as lobster claws and melted ices appeared to be the only fare +in prospect at home--tired to death, and conscious of an incipient cold +in the head, arising from forced residence in a house in which hardly a +door had been on its hinges for three days, I became aware that I was +once again the lessee of a cave of harmony. + +The pseudo-Hungarian assassins were pounding out the latest waltz, with +a disregard for time and tune which I at first attributed to champagne, +but which a closer survey proved to be due to the fact that the band was +being conducted, surprising as it may seem, by my brother-in-law, who +had kindly undertaken to wield the _bâton_, while the Chief Tormentor +(or whatever his proper title may have been) charged himself anew at the +refreshment counter. A popping of corks in the supper-room apprised me +of the fact that my guests were doing their best, at my expense, to make +the Excise Returns a more cheerful feature of next year's Budget. + +I went upstairs in search of a white waistcoat and one or two other +necessary contributions to the festivity of the evening, picking my way +with the utmost care among the greatly-engrossed couples who impeded +every step; and finally arrived at my dressing-room, to find that that +hallowed apartment had been turned into a ladies' cloak-room, and that +every available article of furniture stood elbow-deep under some +attractive combination of furs and feathers. + +I unearthed the things I required, but lacked the courage to stay and +put them on. At any moment I might be invaded by a damsel who had met +with some mishap in the heat of the fray, and was now desirous, as they +say in the navy, of "executing repairs while under steam." I accordingly +left the room and mounted towards the top of the house. I had in my +mind's eye a snug little apartment, situated somewhere in the attics, +devoted chiefly to dressmaking operations, where I knew there was a +mirror, and I might complete my toilet in peace. + +With becoming modesty I penetrated to this haven by the back-stairs. I +had just reached the top, which was opposite the door in question, when +I heard voices. Evidently some one was coming up to this same landing by +the front stair. + +A man does not look his best when found creeping up his own back-stairs +with a white waistcoat in one hand and a pair of pumps in the other, and +I confess I retreated downwards and backwards a couple of paces. The +stair on which I stood was unlighted, and I had a good view of the +landing. + +The voices came nearer, and I could now hear the rustling of silks and +laces. Presently I recognised the voices, and immediately after this +their owners came into view, with their backs almost towards me. + +"This is the room I mean," said the man, indicating my goal. + +"That! All right! Only I don't see why you should drag me all the way up +here," said the girl. "There are much nicer sitting-out places +downstairs. Still, anything for a rest. Come on!" + +She entered the room, followed by her partner. I saw his broad back for +a moment as it filled the doorway. Then he turned in my direction with +his hand on the handle, and it seemed to me that he hesitated a moment. + +Finally he shut the door firmly, and--I distinctly heard the key turned +in the lock. + +I went downstairs again. + + * * * * * + +It was four o'clock in the morning. The last guest had gone, the +domestics had retired to their subterranean retreat, and the musicians +had all been booked through to Saffron Hill in one cab. + +The dawn was just breaking over the house-tops on the other side of the +square, and the sky was bathed in a curious heather-coloured light--a +sure sign of a wet day to come, said hill-bred Robin. We stood out on +the steps,--Kitty, Dolly, Robin, and I,--and Kitty put her arm round her +sister's waist. I knew she was thinking of the absent Dilly. + +Behind us, in the hall, Master Gerald, completely surfeited with about +sixteen crowded hours of glorious life, lay fast asleep on a settee. + +I looked curiously at Dolly as she leaned on her sister's shoulder. She +was half a head taller than Kitty, and as she stood there, rosily +flushed, in the dawn of her splendid womanhood, she might have stood for +the very goddess whose first rays were now falling on her upturned face +and glinting hair. + +Then I looked at Robin, towering beside her, and suddenly I felt a +little ashamed of myself. + +For to tell the truth I had been very unhappy that evening, and I had +been looking forward in a few minutes' time to unburdening myself to +Kitty about recent events. But as I surveyed Dolly and Robin, curiously +alike in their upright carriage and steady gaze, I suddenly realised +that such a pair could safely be trusted to steer their own course; and +I decided there and then not to communicate even to Kitty--my wife and +Dolly's sister--the knowledge of what I had seen that night. + +Kitty turned impulsively to her sister. + +"After all, I've still got _you_, Dolly," she said. + +I took a furtive glance at Robin's inscrutable countenance. + +"I--_wonder_!" I said to myself. + +"What, dear?" said Kitty. + +"Nothing. I must carry this young ruffian up to bed, I suppose." + +Curiosity has been most unfairly ear-marked as the exclusive monopoly of +the female sex. But as I stumbled upstairs that night, bearing in my +arms the limp but stertorous carcase of my esteemed relative by +marriage, I could not help wondering (despite my efforts to put away +from me a matter which I had decided was not my business) exactly what +Robin _had_ said to Dolly behind that locked door. + + + + +CHAPTER TEN. + +ROBIN'S WAY OF DOING IT. + + +What happened when Robin locked the door on himself and Dolly is now set +down here. Strictly speaking it ought to come later, but there is no +need to make a mystery about it. I have taken the account of the +proceedings mainly from the letter which Dolly wrote to Dilly three days +later. + +It would be useless to reproduce that document in full. In the first +place, it contains a good deal that is not only irrelevant but +absolutely incomprehensible. There is one mysterious passage, for +instance, occurring right in the middle of the letter, beginning, _To +turn the heel, knit to three beyond the seam-stitch, knit two together, +purl one, turn: then knit ten, knit two together, knit one, purl one_ +... introduced by an airy, "By the way, dear, before I forget"----which +appears to have no bearing on the context whatever. + +In the second place, Dolly's literary style is as breathlessly devoid of +punctuation as that of most of her sex. Commas and notes of +interrogation form her chief stock-in-trade, though underlining is +freely employed. There is not a single full-stop from start to finish. +The extracts from the letter here reproduced have been edited by me. +Other details of the incident have been tactfully extracted by Kitty and +myself--chiefly Kitty, I must confess--from the principals themselves, +and the whole is now offered to the public, unabridged, with marginal +comments, for the first time. + + * * * * * + +On entering the little room on the landing Dolly dropped on to a shabby +but comfortable old sofa behind the door, and said, with a contented +sigh-- + +"I'm so tired, Robin. Aren't you? Let's sit down and not talk till it's +time to go downstairs again. It's--Robin, what _are_ you doing?" + +Robin was locking the door. + +That operation completed, he turned and looked round the little room. +There was an arm-chair in the corner, but he came and sat down on the +sofa beside Dolly. Dolly gazed at him dumbly. + + * * * * * + + "He looked so utterly grim and determined" [says the letter], "that my + heart began to bump in a perfectly fatuous way. I felt like a woman + who is going to be murdered in a railway tunnel. + + "He sat down, and one of his huge hands was suddenly stretched towards + me, and I thought at first he was trying to grab one of mine. I did my + best to edge away along the sofa, but I was up against the end + already. + + "Then his hand opened, and something dropped into my lap. It was the + key of the door. + + "'I have locked it,' he said, 'not with any intention of keeping you + in, but in the hope of keeping other people out. You are perfectly + free to get up and go whenever you please, if you don't wish to listen + to what I have to say.' + + "Well, dear, I suppose I ought to have risen to my full height, and, + with a few superb gestures of haughty contempt, have swept + majestically from the room. But--I didn't! I saw I was in for another + proposal, and as the man couldn't eat me I decided to let him do his + worst. + + "It was a weird proposal, though." [_Spelt 'wierd.'_] "It wasn't + exactly what he said, because one is never surprised at anything a + man may say when he is proposing; but the way he said it. All men + say pretty much the same thing in the end, but most of them are so + _horribly_ nervous that they simply don't know what they're talking + about for the first five minutes or so. (Do you remember poor little + Algy Brock? He was nearly _crying_ all the time. At least he was + with me, and I suppose he was with you too.) But Robin might have + been having a chat with his solicitor the way he behaved. I'll tell + you..." + +Robin apparently began by telling Dolly, quite simply and plainly, that +he loved her. Then he gave a brief outline of the history of his +affection. It had begun at the very beginning of things, he said, almost +as soon as he discovered that he could distinguish Dolly from Dilly +without the aid of the brown spot. "And that was after I had been in the +house just three days," he added. + +For some time, it appeared, he had been content to be pleasantly in +love. He enjoyed Dolly's society when it came his way, but with native +caution he had taken care to avoid seeking too much of it in case he +should gradually find himself unable to do without it. + +"I saw from the first," he said, "that you were entirely unconscious of +my feelings towards you; and I would not have had it otherwise. If I was +to succeed at all it must be as an acquired taste; and acquired tastes, +as you know, are best formed unconsciously." + +Dolly nodded to show her detached appreciation of the soundness of this +point. + +"I permitted myself one indulgence," Robin continued. "I dedicated a +book to you." + +"O-oh!" said Dolly, genuinely interested. "Was that me? Dilly and I +thought it must be a girl in Scotland." + +Then she realised that this was a step down from her pedestal of +aloofness, and was silent again. Robin went on-- + +"Yes, it was you. It was a sentimental thing to do, but it afforded me +immense pleasure. Love lives more on the homage it pays than that which +it receives. Have you noticed that?" + +"I have never thought about it," said Dolly distantly. + +"I thought not," replied Robin; "because it shows, what I have always +been tolerably certain of, that you have never been in love. However, to +resume." [_"Like a lecture on Greek Roots, or something equally fusty,"_ +observes Dolly at this point.] "The time came, as it was bound to come, +when I realised that I must tell you I loved you"---- + + "I rather like the way he always said _'love'_ straight out," comments + Dolly: "most men are so frightened of it. They say 'am fond of' or + 'care for' or something feeble like that. All except the curate with + pink eyes. (You remember him? Dora Claverton took him afterwards on + the rebound.) He said 'esteem highly' I think." + +----"or leave this house altogether. But before doing that I had to +decide two things: firstly, whether I was good enough for you, and +secondly, if not now, whether I ever should be." + +Dolly's half-closed eyes opened a trifle wider. This was certainly a +methodically-minded young man. + +"It was difficult to decide the first question in practice," continued +Robin. "In theory, of course, any man who is a _man_--honest, clean, and +kind--is a fitting mate for any woman. Don't you think so?" + +"No," said Dolly. + +"I see," said Robin gently. "The theoretical is mainly the man's point +of view: woman looks straight to practical results. She is rather +inclined to take the virtues I have mentioned for granted, or do without +them; and she founds her opinion of a man almost solely upon his +capacity for boring her or stimulating her. In other words, she is +guided by her instinct. Isn't she?" + +"Is she?" said Dolly, determined this time to maintain her attitude of +indifference. + +"I think so," said Robin. "However, knowing how impossible it is for one +sex to look at a matter from the point of view of another, I decided to +stick to my own methods. So I made a summary of my points, good and bad. +They are these: I am strong and healthy; I possess an appetite for hard +work; I was born with brains; I have considerable capacity for +organisation----" + +"Some people have a good conceit of themselves!" said Dolly. + +"_Every_ one should have," replied Robin with conviction. "And," he +added, "most of us have. _I_ have--_you_ have!" + +"Oh!" said Dolly indignantly. + +"But a man may have a good conceit of himself," Robin continued +soothingly, "without being what the world calls conceited. Modesty +consists not in taking a low estimate of one's own worth, but in +refraining from the expectation that the world will take a high one." + +Dolly nodded gravely. + +"I see," she said. "I didn't know you meant that. Yes, there is +something in what you say." + +"I thank you," said Robin. "It is very helpful to me to get this +courteous hearing from you; for to tell you the truth," he added rather +explosively, "I find it a very, very great effort to speak to you like +this at all. You see, I am talking of things that go right to the centre +of the human heart--things that a man never speaks of to a man, and only +once to a woman. It has to be done, but it is hard, hard!" + +He drew a long breath, in a manner which made the sofa tremble; and +Dolly suddenly realised the height and depth of the barrier of reserve +and pride that this grave and undemonstrative man had had to break down +before he could offer her the view of his inmost soul to which he +considered that she was entitled. She felt a sudden pang of awe, mingled +with compassionate sympathy. She was not given to wearing her heart on +her sleeve herself. + +"Well," continued Robin, evidently relieved by this little confession, +"those are my assets. On the other hand, I have no money, no position--I +will not say no birth, for I come of good, honest stock--and my +prospects are at present in the clouds. But to one type of wife all that +would not matter a scrap. There are two types, you know--two types of +_good_ wife, that is." + + "I would have given worlds," says Dolly here, "just to have said 'Oh!' + or something; but for the life of me I couldn't help asking what the + two types were." + +"The first," said Robin, "is the wife who loves her husband because she +is proud of him, because he is successful and powerful, and people +admire him; and not because she has any conception of or sympathy with +the qualities which have made him what he is. To such a one the husband +must come with his reputation ready made, and they will enjoy it +together. The other type loves her husband because she sees through him, +yet believes in him and sympathises with his aims, and intends to make a +success of him. And she usually does." + +"And which am I?" inquired Dolly. + +"The latter, undoubtedly--the higher type. And therefore, if there had +been nothing else in the way, I think I should have given myself the +benefit of the doubt. But----" + + "He turned and looked at me here," writes Dolly, and said-- + + "'But your feminine instinct is chafing against all this laborious + weighing of pros and cons. In your own mind you summed up the + situation ten minutes ago. I am--"impossible." Isn't that it?' + + "My _dear_, I nearly _screamed_, for of course that is just what was + in my mind. But I couldn't very well say so, so I just sat there and + looked rather idiotic and he went on-- + + "'In other words, I am not quite a gentleman.' + + "Then I said quite suddenly-- + + "'Robin, whatever else you may be, you _are_ a gentleman.' + + "He got quite pink. 'Thank you,' he said. 'But for all that, I am too + rough a suitor for such a polished little aristocrat as yourself.' + (Rather cheek, that! After all, Dilly, we're five feet seven.) 'We + live in an artificial sort of world; and a man, in order not to jar on + those around him, requires certain social accomplishments. I have + few--at present. You have taught me a great deal, but I should still + rather discredit you as a husband. My want of polish would 'affront' + you, as we say in Scotland. I am a better beater than shot; I can + break a horse better than I can ride it; and I dance a reel better + than I waltz. I have strength, but no grace; ability, but no + distinction. Of course, if you and I really loved each other--you + being of Type Two--none of these things would matter. But for all + that, it would hurt you to see people smiling at your husband's little + _gaucheries_, wouldn't it?' + + "I didn't answer, and he got up and went and leaned against the + mantelpiece. + + "'Listen,' he said, 'and I will tell you what I have decided to do. I + have made up my mind not to have a try for you--badly though I want + it--till I consider that I have reached your standard. I fixed that + standard myself, so it is a very, very high one, I have been schooling + myself and shaping myself to attain it ever since I met you. But I + have not quite reached it yet, and therefore I have nothing to ask of + you now.'" + +"Then what on earth have you brought me here for?" inquired Dolly, +feeling vaguely aggrieved. + +Robin surveyed her rather wistfully, and then smiled in a disarming +fashion. + +"That was weakness," he said, "sheer weakness. But I think it was +pardonable. I saw, now that your sister was married, that the days of +your old irresponsible flirtations were over, and that you would +henceforth regard proposals of marriage as much more serious things than +hitherto. Consequently you might marry any day, without ever knowing +that a little later on you would have received an offer from me. I have +brought you here, then, to tell you that I am a prospective candidate, +but that I do not feel qualified to put down my name at present. Ideally +speaking, I ought to have kept silence until the moment when I +considered that I was ready for you; but--well, there are limits to +self-repression, and I have allowed myself this one little outbreak. All +I ask, then, is that in considering other offers you will bear somewhere +in the back of your mind the remembrance that you will, if you desire +it, one day have the refusal of me. I admit that the possibility of your +being influenced by the recollection is very remote, but I am going to +leave nothing undone that _can_ be done to get you." + + "By this time," Dolly continues elegantly, "I was getting considerably + flummoxed. The whole business was very absurd and uncomfortable, but I + couldn't help feeling rather complimented at the way he evidently + regarded me--as a sort of little tin goddess on a pedestal out of + reach, being asked to be so good as to stand still a moment while + Robin went to hunt for the steps--and I also felt a little bit afraid + of him. He was so quiet and determined over it all. He seemed to have + it all mapped out in a kind of time-table inside him. However, I + pulled myself together and decided to contribute my share to the + conversation. I hadn't had much of a look in, so far. + + "So I settled down to talk to him like a mother. I began by saying + that I was very much obliged and honoured, and all that, but that he + had better put the idea out of his head once and for all. I liked him + very much, and had always regarded him as a great friend, quite one of + the family--you know the sort of stuff--but---- + + "It was no good. He held up his hand like a policeman at a crossing, + and said-- + + "'Please say nothing. I have asked you no question of any kind, so no + answer is required. All that I have said to-night has been in the + nature of an _intimation_.' (O-h! how like church!) + + "Then he sat down on the sofa beside me, very gently, and said-- + + "'The intimation in brief is this. I love you; and some day, please + God, I shall ask you to marry me. But not until I feel that you would + lose nothing by doing so.' + + "We both sat very still for a few minutes after that. I fancy we were + both doing a little thinking. My chief reflection was that Robin had + had rather the better of the interview, because he had made me listen + to him when I was determined not to. Suddenly Robin said-- + + "'Now that the business part of this conversation is over, I am going + to allow myself a luxury. I have been talking most of the time about + myself. For just five minutes I shall talk about you. I will tell you + what I think of you.' + + "He looked at his watch and began. Dilly, I had no idea I had so many + good points! He put them better than any man has ever done before. But + then the other men were always so jumbled up, and this creature was as + cool and collected as if he were reading a Stores Catalogue. + + "But he let himself go at last. It was my fault, though. I was in + rather a twitter by this time, for although the whole thing was simply + absurd--of course one couldn't marry a wild untamed creature like + that, _could_ one, Dilly?--I couldn't help seeing what a man he was, + and feeling sorry that things couldn't have been a bit different, if + only for his sake. So I gave him my hand" [I can see her do it] "and + said: 'Poor old Robin!' + + "He _seized_ it--my child, it has waggled like a blanc-mange ever + since!--and kissed it. Then, quite suddenly, he broke out into a sort + of rhapsody-like _'The Song of Solomon,'_ only nicer--with his head + bowed over my hands. (He had got hold of the other one too, by this + time.) I felt perfectly helpless, so I let him run on. I shan't tell + you what he said, dear, because it wouldn't be cricket. Anyhow, a + perfectly idiotic tear suddenly rolled down my nose--after all, I had + had a _fearfully_ long day--and I tried to pull my hands away. Robin + let them go at once. + + "'You are right. The time for such things is not yet,' he said, in a + queer Biblical sort of way. 'It was a sudden weakness on my part. I + had not meant it, you may be sure.' + + "The only thing I _am_ sure about," I said, feeling thoroughly vexed + about the tear, "is that we have been in this room nearly an hour. + Please unlock the door. + + "Then we went downstairs." + +After that follow one or two postscripts of a reflective nature, the +general trend of which seems to indicate that Robin is rather a dear, +but quite impossible. + + * * * * * + +"A flippant and unfeeling letter," you say, sir? Perhaps. But there is +often no reserve so deep or so delicate as that which is veiled by a +frivolous exterior and a mocking attitude towards sentiment in general. +Some sensitive people are so afraid of having their hearts dragged to +light that, to escape inquisition, they pretend they do not possess any. +Moreover, I know Dolly well enough to be certain that she was not quite +so brutally unkind to Robin during this interview as she would have us +believe. + +"The blundering creature! He went about it in _quite_ the wrong way," +you say, madam? Very likely. But if a woman only took a man when he went +about it in exactly the right way, how very few marriages there would +be! + + + + +BOOK TWO. + +THE FINISHED ARTICLE + + + + +CHAPTER ELEVEN. + +A MISFIRE. + +I. + + +There is an undefinable character and distinctiveness about Sunday +morning which is not possessed by any other day of the week. + +Not that the remaining six are lacking in individuality. Monday is a +depressed and reluctant individual; Tuesday is a full-blooded and +energetic citizen; Wednesday a cheerful and contented gentleman who does +not intend to overwork himself to-day,--this is probably due to the fact +that we used to have a half-holiday on Wednesdays at school; and when I +got into Parliament I found that the same rule held there; Thursday I +regard as one who ploughs steadily on his way, lacking enthusiasm but +comfortably conscious of a second wind; Friday is a debilitated but +hopeful toiler, whose sole joy in his work lies in anticipating its +speedy conclusion; and Saturday is a radiant fellow with a straw hat and +a week-end bag. + +Still, one week-day is very like another at waking time. My mental +vision, never pellucid, is in its most opaque condition in the early +grey of the morning; and at Oxford, I remember, I found it necessary to +instruct my scout to rouse me from slumber in some such fashion as this: +"Eight o'clock on Thursday mornin', sir!" (as if I had slept since +Monday at least), or "'Alf-past nine, slight rain, and a Toosday, sir!" + +However, no one was ever yet needed to inform me that it was Sunday +morning. This is perhaps natural enough in town, where the silence of +the streets and the sound of bells proclaim the day; but why the same +phenomenon should occur in the middle of a Highland moor, where every +day is one glorious open-air Sabbath, passes my comprehension. + +I discussed the problem after breakfast as I sat and smoked my pipe in +the heathery garden of Strathmyrtle, a shooting-lodge at which we were +being hospitably entertained by Kitty's uncle, Sir John Rubislaw, a +retired Admiral of the Fleet, whose forty years' official connection +with Britannia's realm betrayed itself in a nautical roll, syncopated by +gout, and what I may describe as a hurricane-deck voice. My three +companions in the debate were my host, Master Gerald, and another guest +in the house, one Dermott, an officer in a Highland regiment. + +The Admiral ascribed my Sabbath intuition to the working of some inward +and automatic monitor; while Dermott, among whose many sterling +qualities delicate fancy was not included, put it down to the smell of +some special dish indigenous to Sunday breakfast. My brother-in-law's +contribution to the debate was an unseemly and irreverent parallel +between Saturday night potations and Sunday morning "heads." + +To us entered Dolly and Phillis. + +Our hostess, together with Kitty and the other girl of the party--an +American young lady of considerable personal attractions--had driven off +to church in what is locally called a "machine." The duties of escort +had been voluntarily undertaken by an undergraduate named Standish, who +was the latest recruit to the American young lady's army of worshippers. +The rest of us had stayed at home--the Admiral because he not +infrequently did so; I because I was expecting Robin back by the +"machine" (which was to pick him up at a wayside station, where he had +been sitting on his portmanteau ever since six o'clock that morning, +having been dropped there by the night mail from London), and was +anticipating two or three hours' solid work with him; Gerald because he +had succeeded in evading his eldest sister's eye during the search for +church recruits; Dolly to look after Phillis; and Captain Dermott for +reasons not unconnected with Dolly. + +It was Phillis's birthday, but out of consideration for Scottish views +on Sabbath observance the festivities in connection with that +anniversary had been postponed until the morrow. However, this did not +prevent my daughter from demanding (and obtaining) various special +privileges of an unofficial character this hot Sunday morning. +Consequently a spiritually willing but carnally incompetent band, +consisting of one jovial but arthritic baronet, one docile but +self-conscious warrior, one indulgent but overheated parent, and +Dolly--Gerald stood scornfully aloof--were compelled to devote the next +two hours to a series of games, stage-plays, and allegories of an +innocuous but exhausting description. + +We began by joining hands and walking in a circle, solemnly chanting a +ditty of the "I-saw-a-ship-a-sailing" variety, which culminated in the +following verse-- + + "Then three times round went that gallant ship, + Then three times round went she; + Then three times round went that gallant ship-- + +(Here we were commanded by the mistress of the revels, in a hoarse and +hurried stage whisper, to be ready to fall down) + + --And sank to the bottom--of--the--sea!" + +"Now all fall down!" screamed Phillis. + +We did so, and lay on the grass in serried heaps. The remark which the +Admiral made when my left elbow descended upon his goutiest foot was +fortunately obscured by the fact that his face was inside his hat at the +moment. + +After that we performed the "most lamentable comedy" of "The Three +Bears." Phillis assigned the parts, reserving for herself the _rôle_ of +Curly Locks and Stage Manager. Dolly was cast for Mother Bear, Captain +Dermott for Father Bear, and I for Baby Bear. The Admiral, at his own +urgent request, was allotted the comparatively unimportant part of Baby +Bear's bed, and sat nursing his foot and observing with keen relish the +preparations of the Bear family for their morning walk. We set out at +last, all three on our hands and knees, Dolly and Dermott crawling +amicably side by side, heroically regardless of white skirt and Sunday +sporran; I, as befitted my youth and station, bringing up the rear. + +The Bears having vacated their domicile (the grass plot), Curly Locks, +after much furtive peeping round bushes, entered and advanced to the +rustic table, where she proceeded to test the contents of the various +porridge-bowls (represented by two tobacco-pouches and an ash-tray +respectively). + +"Too hot!" she said, after sampling the first bowl. + +"Too cold!" she continued, trying the next. + +"A-a-ah!" she cried, coming to the third; and swallowed its contents +(some heather-tops) with every appearance of enjoyment. + +After that came the inspection of the beds (two sofa-cushions and the +Admiral), and finally Curly Locks retired to rest on her grand-uncle's +knee. + +Then the Three Bears came painfully back from the shrubbery, and Curly +Locks' acts of spoliation were revealed one by one. My assumption of +grief on the discovery of my empty porridge-bowl was so realistic that +the Stage Manager sat up in bed and commended me for it. Finally we went +the round of the furniture; Curly Locks was duly discovered; and I was +engaged in a life-and-death struggle for her shrieking person with the +bed itself, when there was a crunching of gravel, and the "machine" +drove up with Robin inside it. + +After my secretary had greeted those of us whom he knew, and been +interrupted in the middle of a rapturous embrace from Phillis to be +introduced to those whom he did not, I took him off indoors for a meal, +through the breakfast-room window, and opened the portfolio of +correspondence which he had brought me from London. + +"Hallo! Here is a letter for Dermott," I said. "I'll take it to him." + +I stepped through the window and handed the letter to Dermott, who was +falling into line for a fresh game just outside. + +"That envelope looks terribly official," said Dolly. "What does it all +mean?" + +"I expect it means Aldershot," said Dermott ruefully. "However, I shan't +open it till lunch-time." And he stuffed the offending epistle into his +pocket, and returned to the game in hand with a zest and abandon that +betrayed ulterior motives in every antic. + +We had seen a good deal of Captain Dermott that summer. Somehow he had +been in nearly every house we had visited; and his laborious expressions +of pleased surprise at meeting us there had now given way to specious +and transparent explanations of his own presence. The experts at +countless tea-tables and shooting-lunches were practically unanimous in +the opinion that Dolly could land her fish when she chose now; and as +the fish was a good fellow, and could offer her three thousand a-year +and the reflected glory of a D.S.O., it was generally conceded that my +youngest sister-in-law--have I ever mentioned that Dolly was the junior +Twin?--was about to do extremely well for herself. + +I sat by Robin as he consumed his breakfast, and waded through my +correspondence. There was a good deal to sign and a good deal to digest, +and a good deal that was of no importance whatsoever. But the _clou_ of +the whole budget was contained in a private letter from my Chief. I read +it. + +"My word, Robin!" I said. "There's to be a Dissolution in January." + +There was no answer, and I looked up. + +Robin was not listening. His attention had wandered to the game in +progress on the lawn. This was one of Phillis' most cherished pastimes, +and was called "Beckoning." The players, except the person who for the +time being filled the _rôle_ of "It," stood patiently in a row, until +"It," after mature consideration, beckoned invitingly to one of them to +approach. This invitation might or might not be a genuine one, for +sometimes the player on responding was received by the beckoner with +hisses and other symptoms of distaste, and fell back ignominiously on +the main body. But if you were the _real_ object of the beckoner's +affections, you were greeted with embraces and a cry of "I choose you!" +and succeeded to the proud post of "It." + +It was a simple but embarrassing game, calling for the exercise of +considerable tact when played by adults. At the present moment Phillis +was beckoner, while Dolly, Dermott, and the Admiral stood meekly in line +awaiting selection. Dolly and the Admiral were each called without being +chosen, and Phillis's final selection proved to be Dermott, who, having +received an enthusiastic salute from the retiring president, now stood +sheepishly on one leg surveying the expectant trio before him. + +He began by beckoning to his host; and, having relieved that gentleman's +apprehensions by sibilant noises, waggled a nervous finger at Dolly. +Dolly advanced obediently. + +"Choose her, if you like," said Phillis magnanimously. + +Dermott's martial eye kindled, but he made no sign, and the game +faltered in its stride for a moment. + +"Say," interpolated the prompter, "'I choose you!' and then k----" + +But Dermott, hastily emitting a hiss which must have cost him a +heartrending effort, relegated the greatly relieved Dolly to the ranks, +and smoothed over the situation by "choosing" my daughter, to that young +person's undisguised gratification. + +It was at this phase in the proceedings that Robin's attention began to +wander from the affairs of State, and I had to repeat my news of the +impending Dissolution to him twice before he grasped its full +significance. Even then he displayed about one-tenth of the excitement I +should have expected of him; and finally he admitted that he was +somewhat _dérangé_ after his night journey, and suggested a postponement +of business in favour of a little recreation on the lawn. + +We accordingly added ourselves to the party, just in time to join the +cast of Phillis' next production. This was an ambitious but complicated +drama of an allegorical type, in which Robin appeared--not for the first +time, evidently--as a boy called Henry, and Phillis doubled the parts of +Henry's mother and a fairy. These two _rôles_ absorbed practically the +whole of what is professionally known as "the fat" of the piece, and the +other members of the company were relegated--to their ill-disguised +relief--to parts of purely nominal importance. + +The curtain rose (if I may use the expression) upon Henry's humble home, +where Henry was discovered partaking of breakfast (fir-cones). He +complained bitterly to his mother of the hardship of _(a)_ early rising, +_(b)_ going to school, and _(c)_ enduring chastisement when he got +there. The next scene revealed him in class, where the schoolmaster +(Dolly, assiduously prompted by Phillis) asked him a series of +questions, which he answered so incorrectly as to incur the extreme +penalty of "the muckle tawse." (Here what textual critics term "internal +evidence of a later hand" peeped out unmistakably.) The punishment +having been duly inflicted by Dolly with a rug-strap, Henry retired, +suffused with tears, to "a mountain-top," where he gave vent to a series +of bitter reflections on the hardness of his lot and the hollowness of +life in general. + +He must have "gagged" unduly here, for presently he was cut short by a +stern admonition to "wish for a fairy." + +"I wish for a fairy," said Henry dutifully. + +Phillis, given her cue at last, pirouetted before him with outstretched +skirts. + +"Go on!" she whispered excitedly. "Say, 'I wish that all Pain was +Pleasure and all Pleasure Pain.'" + +"Oh, sorry!" said Henry. "I wish that all Pain was Pleasure and Pleasure +Pain." + +"Have then thy wish!" announced the fairy solemnly, and fluttered away. + +The drama thereafter pursued a remorselessly logical and improving +course. Having got his wish, the luckless Henry found that his only +moments of pleasure were those during which he was enduring the tawse, +getting out of bed on a cold morning, or doing something equally +unpleasant. On the other hand, his comfortable bed had become so painful +that he could only obtain rest by filling it with stones; and his +matutinal porridge was only made palatable by the addition of a handful +of gravel. + +After a fruitless interview with the family physician (Captain Dermott), +in which the patient's mother set forth her offspring's symptoms with +embarrassing frankness, Henry was compelled, as a last resort, to pay +one more visit to the mountain-top. The indulgent fairy kindly agreed to +put things right, but only under penalty of an improving homily on +contentment with one's lot and the fatuity of asking for what you do not +really want. This was only half finished when the party returned from +church, and Phillis, realising that the absolute despotism of the last +few hours would now be watered down by an unsentimental mother into a +limited monarchy at the best, retired within her shell and declared the +revels at an end. + + + +II. + + +"What was the church like?" I inquired at lunch. + +"I have witnessed more snappy entertainments," remarked Miss Buncle, the +American girl, through her pretty nose. "Still, we smiled some. Mr +Standish here got quite delirious when the minister prayed for 'the +adjacent country of England, which, as Thou knowest, O Lord, lies some +twa hundred miles to the sooth of us,'--I'm sorry I can't talk Scotch, +Mr Fordyce,--as if he was afraid that Providence might mail the blessing +to the wrong address and Iceland would get it." + +Kitty broke in upon Miss Buncle's reminiscences. + +"Who do you think we saw in church?" she said. "I nearly forgot to tell +you. Your uncle, Robin--Sir James Fordyce!" + +Robin nodded his head in a confirmatory way. + +"He is often up here at this time of year," he said. + +"He has friends here, perhaps?" said I. + +"Oh yes; he has friends." + +I could tell from Robin's voice that he was nursing some immense joke, +but he betrayed no inclination to share it with us. Kitty went on. + +"He was sitting in a pew with some farmery-looking people. There was a +patriarchal old man, very stately and imposing, rather like--like----" + +"Moses?" I suggested. + +"No. I don't _think_ Moses was like that." + +I had got as far as 'Aar'--when Lady Rubislaw said-- + +"Elijah?" + +"That's it," replied Kitty. "_Just_ like Elijah." (All things +considered, I cannot imagine why Moses would not have done as well.) +"Then beside him was a perfectly dear old lady. Not so very old either; +say sixty. Of course they may not have belonged to Sir James at all: he +may just have been put in their pew. Still, they kept handing him +Bibles, and looking up places for him at singing time." + +"That means nothing," said I. "It's the merest courtesy here." + +"True," said our hostess. "I was having a most lovely little doze during +the Second Lesson, or whatever they call it, when a most officious young +woman three or four pews away took up an enormous Bible, found the +place, squeaked down the aisle, and thrust it under my nose. I had to +hold it up for fifty-seven verses," she concluded pathetically. + +"Did you go and speak to Sir James after the service?" I inquired. + +"No. That was _this_ child's fault," said Kitty, indicating Miss Buncle. + +"How?" + +"Well, there was a rather gorgeous-looking chieftain sort of person +sitting in a front pew, and I saw Maimie twisting her head all during +the service to look at him." + +"Yes," admitted the culprit frankly. "Put me in the neighbourhood of a +kilt, and I'm a common rubberneck straight away, Mr Inglethwaite. I'm +just mad to know all those cunning tartans by heart." + +"The moment the service was over," continued my wife severely, "I saw +her edging through the crowd in the churchyard towards the chieftain. +For a moment I thought she was going to ask him his name." + +"I _wasn't_!" declared Miss Buncle indignantly. + +"No, you did worse. She got close to the unfortunate man," continued my +wife to us, "and suddenly I noticed that she had in her hand one of +those little books you buy at railway book-stalls in the Highlands, with +patterns of all the tartans in them and the name of the clan underneath. +By the time I got up to her she had found the right tartan in the book, +and was matching it up against the back of the poor unconscious +creature's kilt. Then she turned to me in a triumphant sort of way and +simply _bellowed_--'M'Farlane!'" + +"We shall probably be hauled up before the Kirk-session," said the +Admiral. "But I wonder who Sir James Fordyce's friends can be. I know +most of the people who have shootings about here, but none of them are +friends of his that I can think of. We must get him to come and shoot +here one day. Rather late for to-morrow's drive, but there will be +another on Thursday. I wonder who his host is, though?" + +"I might help you," said Robin. "An old man, you said, with his wife?" + +"Yes--oldish," said Kitty. + +"Was there a son with them?" + +"N-no." + +"No? Well, he would be away at the lamb-sales, perhaps," said Robin +reflectively. "Was there a daughter?" + +"Now you mention it," said Kitty, "there was. A nice, bonny-looking +girl. Twenty-four, I should say." + +"Twenty-three," said Robin. + +We all turned on him. + +"Now then, what is all the mystery? Out with it! Who is the girl--eh?" + +"She would be my sister," said Robin calmly. "And the others were my +father and mother." + +There was a little gasp of surprise all round the table. Robin went on-- + +"My home is just seven miles from here. This is the first time I have +got near my folk for six years. To-morrow I mean to go and see them. And +they would like fine, I know," he added a little shyly, "if some of you +would come with me." + +"I'll come," said Kitty promptly. "I should love to meet your mother, +Robin." + +"May _I_ come, Uncle Robin?" piped Phillis. "For a birfday treat," she +added, in extenuation. + +Applications for an invitation rained in. Apart from a desire to please +a man whom we all respected--and our ready offers undoubtedly did please +him--I think we were all a little curious to view the mould which had +turned Robin out. + +"You can't _all_ go," said the Admiral at last. "There's the +grouse-drive to-morrow, and eight butts to fill; not to mention the need +of female society at lunch." + +Finally it was arranged that Robin should take Kitty and Phillis over on +a sort of preliminary call, and they could arrange for the establishment +of more substantial relations. + +But that evening, as the ladies were having their candles lit at the +foot of the staircase, I heard Robin say to Dolly-- + +"Will you come with us to-morrow?" + +Dolly seemed to consider, and was about to reply, when Dermott, who +never seemed very far away now, cut in. + +"Too late, Fordyce! Miss Rubislaw has promised to come and load for me +in my butt to-morrow afternoon." + +"No, I'm afraid it can't be managed this time, Robin," said Dolly. "But +I am coming with you later in the week, if you'll take me." + +Robin said nothing. + +Now Dolly, I knew, did not approve of the inclusion of females in the +business part of a day's shooting; and she regarded Miss Buncle and her +twenty-eight bore with pious horror. The fact that she had consented to +come and hold Dermott's second gun to-morrow seemed to indicate that +that gallant sportsman had accomplished a feat which had already proved +too much for several highly deserving young men--I was not quite sure +that Robin was not one of them; and there seemed to be every reason to +anticipate (especially since he was due to start for Aldershot to-morrow +night) that when the Captain returned from the chase to-morrow +afternoon, his bag would include one head of game of an interesting and +unusual variety. + + + +III. + + +At ten o'clock next morning we met the keepers, dogs, and beaters not +far from the first line of butts on the moor. There was a hot sun, and +the bees were bumbling in the heather. Somehow Whitehall seemed a long +way off. + +The number of guns had been brought up to seven by the inclusion of a +neighbouring laird--one Gilmerton of Nethercraigs--and his son. + +"All the same, we are still a man short," complained the Admiral, to +whom a house-party was a ship's company, and a day's shooting a sort of +terrestrial naval manoeuvre. "However, we will cut out the end butt in +each drive and put a stop there to turn the birds farther in. Now we'll +draw for places. Each man to take the butt whose number he draws, +counting from the right and moving up one place after each drive. And +Heaven help the man who draws number four now, for it means number seven +and a climb up The Pimple for him directly after lunch!" + +There was a general laugh at this, which swelled to an unseemly roar +when I drew the fatal number. + +However, after lunch was a long way off, and I trotted contentedly to +number four and settled down to a pipe, while the head-keeper led off +his mixed multitude of assistants, dogs, boys, and red flags to make a +_détour_ and work the game up towards us. + +The first drive was simple. We were in a long and rather shallow glen, +across which ran a low ridge, dividing it into two almost equal +sections. The butts were placed along this ridge; and after the birds +had been sent over us the beaters would work round to the other end of +the glen and drive them back again. The shooting would be easy, for the +ground lay flat and open in either direction. + +I found myself between Standish and Gerald; the former on my right, and +the latter, together with the young keeper to whom his shooting +education had been entrusted, in the butt on my left. Beyond Standish +was Dermott, the crack shot of the party, and beyond Dermott, in number +one butt, was the Admiral. The Gilmertons, _pčre et fils_, occupied the +butts on the extreme left. + +The drive was moderately successful. At first the birds came along +singly, mostly on the right, and fell an easy prey to Dermott and the +Admiral. But presently a great pack got up comparatively near the butts, +and fairly "rushed" us. I brought off an easy right and left straight in +front of me, and then, snapping out my cartridges and slipping another +in, I swung round and just managed to bring down a third bird with a +"stern chaser"--a feat which I regretted to observe no one else noticed, +for there was a perfect fusilade all along the line at the moment. +Master Gerald, who had discharged his first barrel straight into the +"brown," succeeded, in obedience to his mentor's admonitions, in +covering an old cock-grouse with his second, and carefully following +that flustered fowl's course with the point of his gun, pulled the +trigger just as it skimmed, low down, with an agitated squawk, between +his butt and mine. I heard the shot rattle through the heather, and two +pellets hit on my left boot. + +The congenial task of telling Gerald, in a low but penetrating voice, +exactly what I thought of him, occupied my attention so fully for the +next minute that I failed to observe a blackcock which suddenly swung up +into view and whizzed straight past my head, to the audible annoyance of +the distant Admiral and the undisguised joy of my unrepentant relative. + +No more birds came after that, and presently, the line of beaters having +advanced within range, we put down our guns and collected the slain. We +had not done badly, considering the fact that the main body of the birds +had swerved away to our left over the unoccupied butt, despite the +valiant efforts of an urchin with a red flag to turn them. Dermott +headed the list with four and a half brace, and Gerald brought up the +rear with a mangled corpse which had received the contents of his first +barrel point-blank at a distance of about six feet. The laird of +Nethercraigs (a cautious and economical sportsman, who was reputed never +to loose off his gun at anything which did not come and perch on his +butt) had fired just three cartridges and killed just three birds, but +his son had seven. The Admiral and Standish had also had average luck, +and altogether we had fourteen and a half brace to show for our +exertions. + +Off went the beaters again, and we changed butts and waited. The second +drive gave us fewer birds but better sport. There were no great packs, +but we got plenty to do in the way of sharp-shooting, and Gerald's +keeper--a singularly ambiguous title in this case--succeeded by +increased vigilance in preserving me from being further sniped by my +enterprising brother-in-law. + +We totalled up twelve brace this time, and then made ready for a tramp +to the next line of butts, away round the shoulder of a fairly distant +hill. + +"We may as well spread out and walk 'em up this bit," said our host. "We +can't have the dogs, though, as the keepers and beaters are going a +different way; and each man will have to carry what he shoots. In that +case we'll leave rabbits alone. Gerald, you had better get to the +extreme left of the line. That will limit the risk to one man!" + +"I'll carry home your bag if you'll carry mine, Gerald," cried Standish +facetiously, as my brother-in-law, a trifle offended at the Admiral's +last pleasantry, proceeded with much dignity to his allotted place. + +Gerald was almost out of earshot, but he waved a defiant acquiescence. + +We tramped round the shoulder of the hill, keeping our distance as well +as we could on the steep slope, and occasionally putting up something to +shoot at. My bag this time made no great demands on my powers of +porterage, consisting as it did of a solitary snipe. However, when +nearly an hour later we gathered at the foot of the next line of +butts--the last before lunch--most of us were carrying something. +Standish gleefully displayed two hares and a brace of grouse. + +"There is something for Master Gerald to carry back to the +luncheon-cart," he said. "I wonder what he has got for me. Where is he?" + +"I don't quite know," said Dermott, who had been Gerald's nearest +neighbour. "He was so offended by our gibes about the danger of his +society that he walked rather wide of me. He kept down at the very foot +of the hill most of the time, almost out of sight." + +"I hope he hasn't shot himself," said the Admiral rather anxiously. + +"Never fear!" said I. "That will not be his end. Here he is." + +Sure enough, Gerald appeared at this moment. He was empty-handed. + +Simple and primitive jests greeted him. + +"Hallo, old man, what have you shot--eh? Where is your little lot?" + +Gerald smiled seraphically. + +"You'll find it down there," he said--"in that patch of bracken, +Standish. I left it for you to bring up. Rather heavy for me." + +"What on earth have you shot?" we cried involuntarily. + +"A sheep," said Gerald calmly. + +Great heavens! + +We rushed down the hill as one man--and came up again looking not a +little hot and uncommonly foolish. The sheep was there, it is true, +stiff and stark in the bracken; but more senses than one apprised us of +the fact that it had been dead for considerably more than five minutes. +Gerald had stumbled on to the corpse, and had turned his discovery, we +afterwards admitted, to remarkably good advantage. It was "Mr Standish's +turn," as Miss Buncle, in the picturesque but mysterious vernacular of +her race, remarked at luncheon, "to hold the baby this time." + +After the third drive we gladly put up our guns and tramped down the +hillside to the road below, where the ladies were waiting and the feast +was spread. After we had disposed of grouse sandwiches, +whisky-and-water, and jammy scones, and were devoting our post-prandial +leisure to repose or dalliance with the fair--according as we were +married or single--Lady Rubislaw inquired-- + +"Where are you shooting this afternoon, John?" + +"The Neb, first," replied the Admiral. "And that reminds me, the man who +drew the top butt had better start now, or he'll be late." + +With many groans, and followed by the mingled derision and sympathy of +the company, I picked up my _impedimenta_ and started, leaving the +others to decide who, if any, of the shooters was to have the honour of +entertaining a lady in his butt. + +The Neb was a great mountain spur, whose base ran to within two or three +hundred yards of our resting-place. In appearance it roughly resembled a +mighty Napoleonic nose. The butts ran right up the ridge of that organ; +and nine hundred feet above where we sat, just below an excrescence +locally known as "The Pimple," lay mine. + +I reached my eyrie at last, and having laid my flask, tobacco-pouch, and +twelve loose cartridges where I could reach them most handily on +projecting shelves of peat inside the butt--I love neatness and method: +Kitty says that when (if ever) I get to heaven I will decline to enter +until I have wiped my boots,--settled down to enjoy a superb view and +take note of the not altogether uninteresting manner in which the other +members of the party were disposing themselves for the drive. + +Just below me were Standish and Miss Buncle, the lady a conspicuous mark +for all men (and grouse) to behold by reason of a red tam o'shanter, the +sight of which made me regret that its wearer was not employed as a +beater. In the butt below were Dermott and Dolly--both very workmanlike +and inconspicuous. Below them came the Admiral, with his wife (she +always came and sat behind him, like a remarkably smart little +powder-monkey, during the afternoon drive): below them, the Gilmertons; +and last of all, thank Heaven! Gerald. + +The shooting on this beat would not be easy, though birds were always +plentiful. They came round the face of the hill at very short range and +express speed. My particular butt was notoriously difficult to score +from. There was an awkward hummock in front of it, and driven birds +swinging into view round this were practically right over the butt +before its occupant could get his gun up. + +It was a rather sleepy afternoon. Far away I could hear the sound of the +advancing beaters--the cries of the boys, the occasional barking of a +dog, and the shrill piping of the headkeeper's whistle. Suddenly three +birds swung into view round the face of the hill, and made straight for +the line of butts. They were just below me, nearer to Standish's butt +than mine, but I put up my gun and picked off the nearest. The other +two, instead of keeping on their course over Standish's head, suddenly +swerved round to the left, almost at right angles--I think they had seen +Miss Buncle's tam o' shanter and simultaneously decided that there are +worse things than death--and flew straight down the line, followed by an +ineffectual volley from the twelve and twenty-eight bores respectively. + +"Now, Dermott, my boy!" I ejaculated, as the birds skimmed past the +third butt. "There's a chance for a really pretty right and left." + +But no sound--no movement even--came from our crack's lair. The birds +flew by unharmed, only to fall later on, one to the Admiral, and one to +young Gilmerton. + +"_Dormitat Homerus_," I murmured, gazing curiously towards Dermott's +butt. "I wonder if--Jove, there they go! What a pack! Well done, Gerald! +Oh, Gilmerton, you old _sweep_! Fire, man, _fire_! Good old Admiral! +Dermott, man, what the devil---- Have _at_ them!" + +I fairly danced in the heather. A perfect cloud of birds was pouring +over the lower part of the line. The Admiral, the Gilmertons, and Gerald +were firing fast and furiously,--even the laird of Nethercraigs loosed +off at birds that were neither running nor sitting,--and when the +beaters appeared in sight five minutes later, and the drive came to an +end, the four lower butts totalled twelve brace among them. + +I humbly proffered my solitary contribution. + +"Twelve and a half," said the Admiral. "Now, Standish?" + +"N.E. this time," remarked that youth philosophically. + +The Admiral said nothing, but I saw his choleric blue eyes slide round +in the direction of Miss Buncle's headgear. He turned to Dermott. + +"How many, old man?" + +"Blob!" + +That Dermott should return empty-handed from any kind of chase was so +surprising that we all turned round for the explanation. Dermott was +looking very dejected. This was evidently a blow to his professional +pride. + +"Didn't any of that great pack come near you?" asked the Admiral +sympathetically. + +"No--don't think so," said Dermott shortly. + +I had counted eight birds flying straight over his butt myself, but I +said nothing. I was beginning to comprehend. _Et ego in Arcadia vixi_. + +But the obtuse master-mariner persisted. + +"How about that brace that flew right down the line? You must have seen +'em coming all the way. You didn't even try a shot at them, man!" + +Dermott, who was fastening up his gaiter, answered rather listlessly-- + +"Sorry! It was--a misfire, I think." + +"What?" cried the outraged Admiral. "A _misfire_? Both barrels--of both +guns?" + +I did not hear the answer to this. I was looking at Dolly. Her face +could not be seen, for she was kneeling down a little distance away, +assiduously fondling the silky ears of a highly-gratified red setter. +And I realised then that some expressions are capable of a metaphorical +as well as a literal interpretation. + + + +IV. + + +My wife and daughter returned home in the "machine" in time for dinner, +without Robin. + +"His mother kept him," Kitty explained. She was favouring me with a +summary of her day's adventures, in the garden after dinner. "Such an +old dear, Adrian! And his father is a grand old man. Very solemn and +scriptural-looking and all that, but so courtly and simple when once he +gets over his shyness. (He tried to come in to tea in his shirt-sleeves, +but his wife hustled him out of the kitchen just in time.) Sir James +Fordyce was a shock, though. When we arrived he was chopping turnips in +a machine, dressed in clothes like any farm-labourer's. He said it was +fine to get back to his own people again. To look at him you would never +guess that he was one of the best known men in London, and a favourite +at Court, and _such_ an old dandy in Bond Street. The rest of the +household didn't seem to set any particular store by him. They took him +quite as a matter of course." + +"What a pity English people can't do the same," I mused. "If they do +possess a distinguished relative they brag about him, and he usually +responds by avoiding them. If he does honour them with a visit, they try +to live up to him, and put on unnecessary frills, and summon all the +neighbourhood to come and inspect him." + +"There's nothing of that kind about the Fordyces," said Kitty. "Sir +James was just one of themselves; he even spoke like them. It was, 'Aye, +Jeems!' and 'Aye, John!' all the time." + +"How about the rest of the family?" I inquired. + +"The mother was immensely pleased to have Robin with her again, I could +see," said Kitty. "She made no particular fuss over him, but I'm sure +she simply hugged him as soon as we were gone. She had a talk with me +about him when we were alone. She seems to regard him as the least +successful member of the family, although he has been a good son to +them. (Do you know, Adrian, he has sent them something like two hundred +pounds during the time he has been with us? And that must have left him +little enough to go on with, goodness knows!) But I don't think they +consider him a patch on the eldest son, who is a great silent man with a +beard--a sort of Scotch John Ridd. He looks years older than Robin, +though of course he isn't. He is a splendid farmer, his mother tells me, +and greatly "respeckit" in the district. But the poor dear was so +frightened of me that he simply bolted from the house the moment he had +finished his tea. The sister is pretty, and nice too, but shy. I'm +afraid she found my clothes rather overpowering, though I'd only a coat +and skirt on. But we got on splendidly after that. She is going to be +married next month, to the minister, which is considered an immense +triumph for her by the whole community. We must send them a present. By +the way, what's the matter with Dolly?" + +"What's the matter with poor old Dermott?" I retorted. + +At this moment the much-enduring "machine" jingled up to the door, and +Captain Dermott's luggage, together with his gun-cases and a generous +bundle of game for the mess-table at Aldershot, was piled in at the +back. Their owner followed after, and seeing the glowing end of my cigar +in the dark, advanced to say good-bye. + +Kitty uttered some pretty expression of regret at his departure, and +flitted into the house. Dermott and I surveyed each other silently +through the darkness. + +"Is it any use asking you to come and look us up in town?" I said at +last rather lamely. + +He laughed through set teeth--not a pretty sound. + +"I think I'll--avoid your household for a bit, Adrian," he answered. + +I nodded gravely. + +"I see," I said. "I--I'm sorry, old man!" + +"I'm going to India, if I can get away," he continued, after a pause. + +"Good scheme!" I replied. "We shall think of you most kindly--er, _all_ +of us." + +He said nothing, but shook hands in a grateful sort of fashion, and +turned away. + +I suppose there is a reason for everything in this world. Still, the +spectacle of a good man fighting dumbly with a cruel disappointment--and +disappointment is perhaps the bitterest pill in all the pharmacopeia of +life--is certainly a severe test of one's convictions on the subject. + +At this moment the rest of the party--_minus_ Dolly--flowed out on to +the doorstep to say farewell; and two minutes later Captain Dermott +drove heavily away--back to his day's work. + +Well, thank God there is always that! + + * * * * * + +"I thought she was going to take him," said Kitty in her subsequent +summing-up. "It was far and away the best offer she has ever had. And he +is such a dear, too! What does the child want, I wonder! A coronet?" + +"'A dinner of herbs,' perhaps," said I. + +Kitty eyed me thoughtfully, and gave a wise little nod. + +"Yes--Dolly is just that sort," she agreed. "But what makes you think +that?" + +"Oh--nothing," I said. + +There are certain matters upon which it is almost an impertinence for a +man to offer an opinion to a woman, and I rather shrank from rushing in +where my wife had evidently not thought it worth while to tread. Still, +I could not help wondering in my heart whether the arrival of one +gentleman on Sunday may not sometimes have something to do, however +indirectly, with the abrupt departure of another gentleman on Monday. + + + + +CHAPTER TWELVE. + +THE COMPLEAT ANGLER. + + +The Division of Stoneleigh, which had hitherto done me the honour of +returning me as its Member of Parliament, is a triangular tract of +country in the north of England. + +At the apex of the triangle lies Stoneleigh itself, a township whose +chief assets are an ancient cathedral at one end, and a flourishing +industry, proclaiming to the heavens its dependence upon Hides and +Tallow, at the other. The base of the triangle runs along the sea-coast, +and is dotted with fishing villages. Most of the intervening area is +under cultivation. + +It will be seen, then, that the character of my constituency varied in a +perplexing manner, and while I could usually depend upon what I may call +the Turnip interest, I could not always count with absolute certainty on +the whole-hearted support of the Fish or Hides-and-Tallow. + +To this delectable microcosm my household and I migrated one bleak day +in February, to commence what promised to be an arduous and thoroughly +uncomfortable electoral campaign. + +The Government had gone out at last, more from inanition than over any +definite question of policy; and we were going to the country to face +what is paradoxically termed "the music." It would be a General Election +in every sense of the word, for there was no particular question of the +hour--this was before the days of Passive Resistance and Tariff +Reform--and our chief bar to success would undoubtedly be our old and +inveterate enemy, "the pendulum." Of course we were distributing +leaflets galore, and blazoning panegyrics on our own legislative +achievements over every hoarding in the country--especially where our +opponents had already posted up scathing denunciations of the same--and +of course we declared that we were going to come again, like King +Arthur; but I think most of us realised in our hearts that the great +British Public, having decided in its ponderous but not altogether +unreasonable way that any change of government must be for the better, +was now going to pull us down from the eminence to which we had been +precariously clinging for five years, and set up another row of +legislative Aunt Sallies in our stead. + +However, we were far from admitting this. We wore our favours, waved our +hats, and celebrated our approaching triumph with as great an appearance +of optimism as the loss of seven consecutive by-elections would permit. + +Our party--Kitty, Phillis, Dolly, and myself: Dilly and Dicky were to +follow, and Robin had preceded us by two days--was met at the station by +an informal but influential little deputation, consisting of Mr Cash, my +agent, a single-minded creature who would cheerfully have done his best +to get Mephistopheles returned as member if he had been officially +appointed to further that gentleman's interests; old Colonel Vincey, who +would as cheerfully have voted for the same candidate provided he wore +Conservative colours; Mr Bugsley, a leading linen-draper and ex-Mayor of +the town, vice-chairman of our local organisation; Mr Winch--locally +known as Beery Bill--the accredited mouthpiece of the Stoneleigh liquor +interest; and the Dean, who came, I was uncharitable enough to suspect +even as he wrung my hand, on business not unconnected with the +unfortunate deficit in the fund for the restoration of the North +Transept. There were also present one or two reporters, and a _posse_ of +the offscourings of Stoneleigh small-boydom. + +We drove in state to the hotel. Previous to this I shook hands warmly +with the Station-master, who scowled at me--he was a Home-Ruler and a +Baptist--and gave four porters half-a-crown apiece for lifting our +luggage on to the roof of a cab. I also handed a newsboy sixpence for a +copy of the local bi-weekly organ which supported our cause, and +tendered half-a-sovereign in payment for a bunch of violets and +primroses--our party colours in this district were purple and +gold--which were proffered me outside the station by an ancient +flower-selling dame who, Cash hissed into my ear, happened to be the +mother of four strapping and fully-enfranchised sons; and presented an +unwashed stranger who was holding open the cab door for us with a token +of affection and esteem which could readily be commuted into several +hours' beer. + +On arriving at the hotel I handed the cabman a fare roughly equivalent +to the cash value of the cab, and then proceeded to distribute largesse +to a crowd of menials who kindly undertook the task of lifting the +luggage from the roof and conveying it to our rooms. The horse, having +no vote, received no pecuniary return for its labours, but was rewarded +for its devotion to Conservative principles by a lump of sugar, which +Phillis had been tightly holding in a moist hand ever since Cash had +handed it to her at the station--a pretty and thoughtful act of +disinterested kindness which was duly noted in the _Stoneleigh Herald_ +next morning, and effectually secured the votes of several elusive but +sentimental wobblers on polling day. + +After this unostentatious entry into my constituency I duly established +myself in my apartments, where I spent most of the afternoon writing +cheques. The restoration of the North Transept proved to be in an even +more deplorable state of backwardness than I had feared; but the Dean +ultimately left me with the utmost expressions of goodwill, promising to +reassure the most exacting spirits in Cathedral society as to my +soundness on the questions of (1) Disestablishment and (2) Secular +Education in Elementary Schools. + +Thereafter I received the captain of the local football team, who begged +to remind me that my subscription of five guineas, as Honorary +Vice-President of the club, was now due, and further requested that I +would do himself and colleagues the honour of kicking-off in the match +against the Scrappington Hotstuffs on Saturday week. (Saturday next, I +heard afterwards, had been reserved for my rival.) He finally departed +with my cheque in his pocket, and, I expect, his tongue in his cheek. + +Robin next let in upon me a sub-section of the General Purposes +Committee of the Municipal Library, who begged that I would kindly +consent to open the new wing thereof, jointly with the rival Candidate, +at three o'clock next Wednesday; and intimated as an afterthought that +the oak bookcase in the eastern alcove was still unpaid for. They +departed calling down blessings upon my head. (Five pounds ten.) + +Next, after a brief call from a gentleman in a blue ribbon, who came to +solicit a guinea for the Band of Hope, and who left in exchange one +hundred copies of a picture of the interior of a drunkard's stomach, +executed in three colours, came Beery Bill, to whom the reader has +already been introduced. He had not come to talk Politics, he said, but +just to have a quiet chat with one whom he hoped he could regard as a +personal friend. (I got out my fountain pen.) The chat materialised +presently into an intimation that the Licensed Victuallers Benevolent +Something-or-Other was short of cash; and my visitor suggested that a +trifle in support of the charities of that most deserving institution +would come gracefully from my pocket. On handing me the receipt he +informed me that the brewing trade was in a bad way, and that he looked +to me to do something for it if he used his influence on my behalf at +the Election. + +The next visitor was an eccentric but harmless old gentleman who eked +out a precarious livelihood as a Herbalist--whatever that may be--in the +most plebeian quarter of the town. He inhabited a small and stuffy shop +up a discreet alley, suffered much from small boys, sold curious drugs +and potions of his own composition, and prescribed for persons whose +means or modesty precluded them from consulting an orthodox +practitioner. + +He was threatened, it appeared, with the penalties of the law. He had +sold a "love-philtre" (pronounced infallible for recalling errant +_fiancés_ to a sense of duty) to an amorous kitchen-maid who was seeking +to rekindle the sacred flame in the bosom of an unresponsive policeman. +The damozel had mingled the potion in a plate of beefsteak pudding, and +had handed the same out of the scullery window to her peripatetic swain; +with the sole result that that limb of the law had been immediately and +violently sick, and, the moment he felt sufficiently recovered to do so, +had declared the already debilitated match at an end. The kitchen-maid, +rendered desperate, had told him the whole truth; and consequently my +esteemed caller was now wanted by the police. + +The catastrophe of the pie, he explained, was in no way to be attributed +to the love-philtre (which was composed of sifted sugar and cinnamon), +but was due to the fact that instead of the philtre he had inadvertently +handed his fair client a packet out of the next drawer, which contained +ready-made-up doses of tartaric acid for immediate use in the case of +small boys who had swallowed sixpences. _Hinc lacrymcoe_. In spite of +his complete consciousness of his own innocence, he now found himself +compelled in a few days' time to defend his conduct in a court of law. +The proceedings would cost money, of which he of course possessed little +or none. He had called, he said, confident in the hope that I would +assist him to defray the expense of vindicating his integrity as a +high-class Herbalist by purchasing six bottles of his world-renowned +specific for neuralgia, from which dread malady he had been +informed--quite incorrectly, by the way--that I occasionally suffered. +The thirty shillings thus subscribed, together with a few odd coins +which he himself had contrived to scrape together during a long life of +thrift, would secure the services of a skilled advocate, who would +doubtless be able to prove to the satisfaction of justice that no +high-class Herbalist would ever dream, save in the way of kindness, of +putting tartaric acid into a policeman's beefsteak pudding. + +He added, rather inconsequently, that he had voted Conservative at the +last three elections, and had moreover persuaded all the other members +of the Royal and Ancient Brotherhood of High-class Herbalists to do the +same. (One pound ten.) + +My last visitor was a seedy individual in corduroys, who asked for a +private interview with the Candidate, and, on this favour being granted, +informed me in a confidential and husky whisper that he knew of ten good +men and true, fully qualified voters, who were prepared to go to the +poll on my behalf for the trifling fee of two pound ten a-head and no +questions asked. He was politely but firmly shown into the street. One +has to be on the look-out against persons of this type. + +I concluded the afternoon by a rather unsatisfactory interview with Mr +Cash. He was by nature a boisterous and optimistic person, but on this +occasion I found him inclined to be reticent and gloomy. He announced +with a shake of the head that my rival was a very strong candidate; and +finally, after a certain amount of pressing, admitted that I was not +altogether as universally acceptable to my own side as I might have +been. + +"You are not violent enough, Mr Inglethwaite," he said. "You sympathise +too much with the point of view of the opposite side. That's fatal." + +I turned to Robin. + +"You hear that?" I said. "Don't you ever call me a prejudiced old Tory +again, Robin." + +"Then," continued the dolorous Cash, "you are too squeamish. Those +posters that you wouldn't allow to be put up--that was simply throwing +away good votes. Politics in this part of the country can't be played +with kid gloves. Then there are the meetings. You don't let the other +side have it hot enough. Call 'em robbers and liars! That's what wins an +election!" + +"I suppose it is," I said mournfully. "Robin, we must put our opinions +in our pockets and beat the party drum. Come on, let us go to the +Committee Rooms!" + +For the next fortnight we worked like galley-slaves. Each morning Kitty +and I drove round the town in an open carriage-and-pair decorated with +our colours, bowing to such of our constituents as would look at us, and +punctiliously returning any salutes we received. Occasionally +whole-hearted supporters would give us a cheer, and occasionally--rather +more frequently, it seemed to me--disagreeable persons booed at us. Once +we were held up outside a hide-and-tallow work by a gang of workmen who +wished to address a few questions to the Candidate. We came well out of +that ordeal, for both Kitty and Dolly happened to be in the carriage +that day, and they so completely captivated the spokesman of the +deputation--no wonder! a pretty woman never looks so attractive as in +furs--that that gentleman concluded a catechism of unpremeditated +brevity and incoherence by proposing a vote of confidence in, coupled +with three cheers for, Mr Inglethwaite and his young ladies! + +On another occasion a gnarled and fervent Radical of the bootmaking +persuasion hobbled to the door of his establishment, and waving clenched +and uplifted fists, called down upon us and our retreating equipage all +the curses at the command of a rather extensive vocabulary until we were +out of earshot. + +Occasionally little girls threw posies into the carriage: little boys, +not to be outdone in politeness, threw stones: and altogether I felt +very much as the Honourable Samuel Slumkey must have done upon the +historic occasion on which he solicited the votes of the electors of the +borough of Eatanswill. + +Talking of Eatanswill, I had already made the acquaintance of Mr Horatio +Fizkin in the person of my opponent, Mr Alderman Stridge, Wholesale +Provision Merchant and Italian Warehouseman. His selection as Liberal +Candidate was a blow to us: we had hoped for nothing worse than a +briefless carpet-bagger from the Temple, as on previous occasions. +However, the Alderman on our introduction was extremely affable, and +expressed a hope, with the air of one discovering the sentiment for the +first time, that the best man might win; to which I, as in duty bound, +replied that I hoped not; and we parted with mutual expressions of +goodwill and esteem, to deride each other's politics and bespatter each +other's characters on countless platforms and doorsteps until we should +meet again, after the fray, at the counting of the votes. + +On returning from our morning drive (which usually included an open-air +meeting) we took luncheon, generally in the presence of various anćmic +young men who represented local organs of public opinion, and who +expected the long-suffering candidate to set forth his views between +mouthfuls of chop and sips of sherry. I usually turned these over to +Robin, who understood their ways; and he charmed them so wisely that +even the relentless Cash was compelled to admit that our press notices +might have been worse. + +Robin was a tower of strength. Indeed he and Dolly were my two chief +lieutenants; Dilly and Dicky, as became a pair who had only been married +a few months, proving but broken reeds. A week's electioneering proved +sufficient for their requirements; and, declining flatly to "grin like a +dog and run about the city"--Dilly's pithy summary of the art of +canvassing--any longer, they left us ten days before polling-day to pay +a country-house visit. But Robin was everywhere. He answered my letters +and he interviewed reporters. He could keep a meeting in hand (pending +my arrival from another) with such success that when I finally appeared +upon the platform to take up the wondrous tale of my party's +perfections, the audience were loth to let Robin go. In six days he +acquired a knowledge of the wants, peculiarities, weaknesses, and +traditions of my constituents which had occupied all my powers of +concentration and absorption for six arduous years. He used to drop into +his speeches little topical allusions and local "gags" which, though +Greek to the uninitiated, never failed to produce a roar: and a +political speaker who can unfailingly make his audience laugh with +him--not at him--has gone far on the road to success. + +Once, at a meeting, when I was half-way through a speech to an +unmistakably bored and rather hostile audience, Robin, who was sitting +beside me, slipped a sheet of paper on to my table. The message on the +paper, written large for me to read, said--_Compare Stridge to the Old +Lady of Dippleton_. What the lady had done I did not know, neither had I +time to inquire; but I took my secretary's advice, and, after pausing +for a brief drink of water, concluded my sentence-- + +"--and I maintain, gentlemen, that my opponent, in advocating such a +policy as that which he has had the--the--yes, the _effrontery_ to lay +before a clear-thinking and broad-minded Stoneleigh audience last night, +has shown himself to be no wiser in his generation, no better or more +statesmanlike in character, than--than--what shall we say? than"--I +glanced at the paper on the table--"the Old Lady of Dippleton!" + +There was a great roar of laughter, and I sat down. I was ultimately +awarded a vote of thanks, which should by rights have been given to the +heroine of my closing allusion. I may mention here that no subsequent +inquiry of mine ever elicited from Robin or any one else what the Old +Lady of Dippleton _had_ done. Probably it was one of those things that +no real lady ever ought to do, and I discreetly left it at that. + +Dolly, too, proved a treasure. Her strong line was canvassing. She could +ingratiate herself with short-tempered and over-driven wives apparently +without effort; surly husbands melted before her smile; sheepish young +men forgot the encumbering existence of their hands and feet in her +presence; and she was absolutely infallible with babies. Her methods +were entirely her own, and gratifyingly free from the superior and +patronising airs usually adopted by fine ladies when they go to solicit +the votes of that variegated and much-graded community which they +cheerfully and indiscriminately sum up as "the lower classes." + +Let us follow her as she flits on her way to pay a morning call upon Mr +Noah Gulching of Jackson's Row. + +Mr Gulching, she finds, is absent in search of a job, while Mrs +Gulching, thoroughly cross and worried, is doing the housework with one +hand and dangling a fractious teething baby from the other. The rest of +the family are engaged in playing games of skill and chance (on the win, +tie, or wrangle principle), in the middle of the street outside; and +piercing screams testify to the fact that John William Gulching, aged +two, had just been uprooted by Mary Kate Gulching, who wants to lay out +a new Hop-Scotch court, from the flagstone upon which he has been seated +for the last half hour and dumped down upon another, the warming of +which, even his untutored sensations inform him, will be a matter of +some time and trouble. + +Dolly, not a whit dismayed by a thoroughly ungracious reception, tucks +up her skirt, rolls up her sleeves, finishes washing-up, makes a bed, +and peels some potatoes. Then she takes the baby and attends to its more +conspicuous wants, what time Mrs Gulching, thoroughly mollified,--she +had thought at first that Dolly was "a person with tracks,"--goes round +the corner to the "Drop Inn," at which hostelry the work of which her +spouse is habitually in pursuit invariably goes to ground, and brings +that gentleman home with her, to find Dolly playing with a spotless +infant whom she gradually recognises as her own offspring. + +Dolly begins at once. + +"Good morning, Mr Gulching! I expect you think I am one of those horrid +canvassers." + +Mr Gulching, a little taken aback, admits that such was his impression. + +"Well, I'm not," says Dolly. (_Oh, Dolly!_) "I suppose there may be some +excuse for canvassing among people who do not take much interest in +politics,--though _I_ shouldn't like to do it,--but it would be rather a +waste of time for me or any one else to come and try on that sort of +thing with _you_, wouldn't it, Mr Gulching?" + +Mr Gulching, outwardly frigid but inwardly liquescent, agrees that this +is so; and adds in a truculent growl that he would like to see 'em try +it on. + +"What I really want," continues Dolly, "is your _advice_. I am told that +you are so respected here, and have such a knowledge of the requirements +of the neighbourhood, that you might be inclined to give us a little +help in a scheme which Mr Inglethwaite has in hand. Schemes for the +improvement of some of the houses--not snug little cribs like this, but +the homes of people who are not so clever and able to take care of +themselves as you--and the supplying of more amusements in the evenings; +entertainments, lectures----" + +"Teetotal?" inquires Mr Gulching hoarsely. + +"Oh dear, no. I am sure Mr Inglethwaite would not wish to deprive any +one of his glass of beer. He quite agrees with your views about moderate +drinking." (This, I may mention, is a slanderous libel on me, but it +sounds all right as Dolly says it.) "But he knows that the success of +his efforts will depend entirely upon whether he has the support of such +men as yourself--men who know what they want and will see that they get +it. We can't do without you, you see," she adds, with a bewitching +little smile. + +Visible swelling on the part of Mr Gulching. Dolly gets up. + +"Well, I know you are a busy man, Mr Gulching, so I mustn't keep you +listening to a woman's chatter any more. I'm afraid I haven't explained +things very deeply, but then you men are such creatures for wanting to +get to the root of the matter, aren't they, Mrs Gulching? However, Mr +Inglethwaite will call shortly and discuss things with you. I know he +wants your advice. Meanwhile, perhaps you will mention the matter to any +friends of yours whom you think would be likely to help us, won't you? +Good morning, and thank you so much for granting me this--er--interview. +An Englishman's house is his castle, isn't it? That is why it was so +good of you to let me come in. Good-bye, Mrs Gulching. He's a perfectly +sweet little chap, and I must come and see him again, if I may." (The +last remark is a little ambiguous, but probably refers to the baby.) + +And Dolly, with a friendly nod to the rest of the family (who are by +this time drawn up _en échelon_ at the street door, under the personal +direction of Violet Amelia Gulching), sails out, followed by a gratified +leer from the greatly inflated Mr Gulching, having secured that free and +independent elector's vote without even having asked for it. And yet +some women are crying out for the right to control elections! + +At the street corner, with a persuasive finger in the buttonhole of an +unconvinced Socialist (and a vigilant eye straining down the long and +unlovely vista of Jackson's Row), Dolly usually encounters Robert +Chalmers Fordyce. + + + + +CHAPTER THIRTEEN. + +A HOSTAGE TO FORTUNE. + + +Nomination day came, and I was duly entered by my proprietors for the +Election Stakes, though I was painfully aware that my selection as +Candidate was not universally popular. + +However, as Cash remarked, "It is canvassing from door to door that does +the trick, and there you have the bulge on Stridge. He's not a bad old +buffer himself, but they hate his wife like poison. She drives up to +their doors in a silver-plated brougham with a double-breasted coachman, +and tells 'em to vote for Stridge, not because he used to live in a +one-roomed house himself--which he did, and her too--but because he's a +local god-on-wheels. Of course they won't stick that." + +I also continued to address meetings, receive deputations, and generally +solicit patronage in a way that would have made a cab-tout blush for +shame. As a recreation I kicked off at football matches and laid +foundation-stones. The most important function in which I took part was +the opening of the new wing of the Municipal Library. The ceremony, +which was by way of being a non-party affair, took place on a blustering +February afternoon. The _élite_ of Stoneleigh were picturesquely grouped +upon the steps of the main entrance of the Library, from the topmost of +which the Mayor, the Dean, and the Candidates addressed a shivering and +apathetic audience below. + +Fortunately, the company were too exclusively occupied in holding on +their hats and blowing their blue noses to pay much attention to the +improving harangues of Mr Stridge and myself; which was perhaps just as +well, for men who have three or four highly critical and possibly +hostile meetings to address later in the day are not likely to waste +good things upon an assembly who probably cannot hear them, and will +only say "Hear, hear!" in sepulchral tones if they do. + +The actual opening of the wing was accomplished quite informally (and I +may say unexpectedly) by Kitty and Mrs Stridge--a fearsome matron, who +looked like a sort of Nonconformist Boadicea--who were huddling together +for warmth in the recess of the doorway. On a pedestal before them lay +two small gold keys, with which they were presently to unlock the door +itself, what time I, in trumpet tones, declared the Library open. +Whether through natural modesty or a desire to escape the assaults of +the wind, the two ladies shrank back so closely into the door that that +accommodating portal, evidently deeming it ungallant to wait even for a +golden key under such circumstances, incontinently flew open, and +Mesdames Inglethwaite and Stridge subsided gracefully into the arms of a +spectacled and embarrassed Librarian, who was formally waiting inside to +receive the company at the proper moment. + +After that, the proceedings, which so far had been almost as bleak as +the weather, went with a roar to the finish. + +But events like these were mere oases in a desert of ceaseless drudgery. +The fight grew sterner and stiffer, and, as always happens on these +occasions, the neutral and the apathetic began to bestir themselves and +take sides. A week before the election there was not an impartial or +unbiassed person left in Stoneleigh. Collisions between supporters of +either party became frequent and serious. On the first occasion, when a +Conservative sought to punctuate an argument by discharging a small +gin-and-ginger into the face of his Liberal opponent, and the Liberal +retaliated by felling the Conservative to the earth with a pint-pot, +Stridge and I wrote quite effusively to one another apologising for the +exuberance of our friends. A week later, when certain upholders of my +cause bombarded Stridge's emporium with an assortment of Stridge's own +eggs, hitting one of Mr Stridge's white-jacketed assistants in the eye, +and severely damaging the frontage of Mr Stridge's Italian +warehouse--whereupon local and immediate supporters of the cause of +Stridge squared matters by putting three bombardiers into a +horse-trough--Mr Stridge and I expressed no sort of regret to one +another whatsoever, but referred scathingly, amid rapturous cheers, at +our next meetings to the blackguardly policy of intimidation and +hooliganism by which the other side found it necessary to bolster up a +barren cause and hopeless future; all of which shows that things were +tuning up to concert pitch. + +Results of other elections were coming in every day, and they were not +by any means favourable to our side. Still, we kept on smiling, and +talked largely about the swing of the pendulum--almost as useful a +phrase as "Mesopotamia" of blessed memory--and other phenomena of +reaction, and hoped for the best. Champion, who had been returned for +his constituency by a thumping majority, had promised to come down and +speak for me at a great meeting two nights before the election; and +Dubberley, who had lost his seat, threatened to come and help me to lose +mine. + +With the exception of Robin, who appeared to be made of some material +_ćre perennius_, we were all getting the least bit "tucked up," from my +humble self down to Phillis, who appeared at breakfast one morning +looking flushed and rather too bright-eyed. + +"Electioneering seems to be telling on you, old lady," I remarked. +"Feeling quite well--eh?" + +"Just a _teeny_ headache, daddy. But"--hastily--"I can come with you to +the meeting in the theatre to-morrow night, can't I? it will be such +fun!" + +"Meeting? My little girl, it does not begin till an hour after your +bed-time." + +"That's why I want to go," said my daughter frankly. "Besides, I do +_love_ pantomimes--especially the clowns!" She wriggled ecstatically. + +Even the revelation of the plain truth--that the pantomime would be +called by another name and the clowns would appear in mufti--failed to +assuage Phillis's thirst for the dramatic sensation promised by a +meeting in a theatre. I was, as usual, wax in her small hands; and, +man-like, I threw the _onus negandi_ upon Eve's shoulders. + +"Ask your mother," I said; and flew to my day's work. + +Thank goodness, it was almost the last. To-morrow would be the eve of +the poll, and at night we were to hold our monster meeting. Three +thousand people would be present; a local magnate, Sir Thomas Wurzel (of +Heycocks), would occupy the chair; what one of our local reporters +insisted on calling "the _élite_ of the _bon ton_" would be ranged upon +the platform; and the meeting would be addressed by John Champion, +Robin,--they always wanted him now,--and the much-enduring Candidate. +The audience would, further, be made the recipients of a few remarks +from the Chair and (unless something providential happened) from +Dubberley, who was to second a vote of thanks to somebody--a performance +which might take anything up to fifty minutes. Altogether a feast of +oratory, and a further proof, if any were needed, that the English are a +hardy race. + +Phillis was decidedly unwell next morning, and Kitty prescribed bed. I +am inclined to be an anxious parent, but there was little time for the +exercise of any natural instincts on this occasion. Hounded on by the +relentless Cash, I spent the day in a final house-to-house canvass, +being fortunate enough to find at home several gentlemen who had been +out on previous occasions, and who now graciously permitted Kitty to +present them with a resplendent portrait of what at first sight appeared +to be a hairdresser's assistant in gala costume, but which an obtrusive +inscription below proclaimed to be "Inglethwaite! The Man You Know, and +Who Knows You!" + +After a hasty round of the Committee Rooms I returned to our hostelry, +the Cathedral Arms, where, after disposing of two reporters who wanted +an advance copy of my evening's speech, and having effusively thanked a +pompous individual for a sheaf of statistics on a subject which I cannot +recall, but in which no one outside an asylum could have reasonably been +expected to take any interest whatever, and which I was at liberty to +quote (with due acknowledgments) to any extent I pleased, I sat down +with Champion and Robin, faint yet pursuing, to fortify myself with +roast-beef and whisky for the labours of the evening. + +Presently Kitty entered, with Dolly. + +"_Who_ do you think has just arrived?" she said. + +"I don't know. Not a deputation, I hope!" + +"No. Gerald--from school." + +"Great Scott! Expelled?" + +"Oh no. It's his half-term _exeat_. I had forgotten all about it. As it +just falls in with the Election, he has come to see you through, he +says." + +"Right! Give him some food and a bed, and we'll send him round with one +of the brakes to-morrow, to bring people up to the poll. He has a gentle +compelling way about him that should be useful to us. Has he brought his +inarticulate friend?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, tell them to ask at the office for bedrooms." + +"They have done that already," said Dolly. "They are down in the kitchen +now, ordering dinner. They don't propose to go to the meeting. 'Better +fun outside,' they say." + +"Lucky little devils!" remarked the Candidate, with feeling. + +"And, Adrian," said Kitty, "I don't think I'll come either. I'm rather +bothered about Philly." + +I laid down my knife and fork. + +"What do you mean? Is she really ill?" + +"N-no. I don't think so, but she is very feverish and wretched, poor +kiddy. I tried to get hold of Dr Martin this afternoon, but he was miles +away on an urgent case, and won't be back till to-morrow. But I got Dr +Farquharson----" + +"Roaring Radical!" said I in horror-struck tones. + +--"Yes, dear, but such a nice old thing; and Scotch too, Robin----" + +"Aberdonian," said Robin dubiously. + +"Well," continued my wife, "he said she would need care, and must stay +in bed. He was in a tearing hurry, as he had to go on to one of +Stridge's meetings--horrid creature!--but he promised to come again on +his way home. Do you think it very important that I should come with +you?" + +I turned to my secretary. + +"What's your opinion, Robin?" + +"I think Mrs Inglethwaite should come. They like to see her on the +platform, I know." + +"If the Candidate's wife does not appear, people say she is too grand +for them," put in Champion. + +"I'll stay with Philly, Kit," said Dolly. + +"Will you? You dear! But I know you want to come yourself." + +"Never mind. It doesn't matter." + +And so it was arranged. + +We found the theatre packed to suffocation. A heated band of musicians +(whose degrees must have been conferred _honoris causa_) had just +concluded a set of airs whose sole excuse for existence was their +patriotic character, and Sir Thomas Wurzel (of Heycocks) was rising to +his feet, when our party appeared on the platform. Election fever was +running high by this time; the critical spirit was almost entirely +obliterated by a truly human desire to cut the preliminaries and hit +somebody in the eye; and we were greeted with deafening cheers. + +Presently Champion was introduced and called upon to speak. He was +personally unknown to the crowd before him, although his name was +familiar to them. But in five minutes he had the entire audience in his +grip. He made them laugh, and he made them cheer; he made them breathe +hard, and he made them chuckle. There were moments when the vast throng +sat in death-like silence, while Champion, with his voice dropped almost +to a whisper, cajoled them as a woman cajoles a man. Then suddenly he +would blare out another battle-call, and provoke a great storm of +cheering. He made little use of gesture--occasionally he punctuated a +remark with an impressive forefinger, but he had the most wonderful +voice I have ever heard. I sat and watched him with whole-hearted +admiration. It is true that he was not doing our cause any particular +good. He had forgotten that he was there to make a party speech, to +decry his opponents, and crack up his friends. He was soaring away into +other regions, and--most wonderful of all--he was taking his audience +with him. He besought them to be men, to play the game, to think +straight, to awaken to a sense of responsibility, and to remember the +magnitude and responsibility of their task as controllers of an Empire. +He breathed into them for a moment a portion of his own great spirit; +and many a small tradesman and dull-souled artisan realised that night, +for the first (and possibly the last) time, that the summit of the +Universe is not composed of hides and tallow, and that there are higher +things than the loaves and fishes of party politics and the petty +triumphs of a contested election. + +From a strictly tactical point of view all this was useless, and +therefore dangerous. But for a brief twenty minutes we were gods, +Utopians, Olympians, joyously planning out a scheme of things as they +should be, to the entire oblivion of things as they are. That is always +worth something. + +Then he sat down, and we came to earth again with a bump, recollecting +guiltily the cause for which we were assembled and met together--namely, +the overwhelming of an Italian warehouseman and the retention of a +parliamentary seat in an unimportant provincial district. + +Once only have I heard that speech bettered, and that was in the House +of Commons on a night in June fifteen years later, when a Prime Minister +started up from the Treasury Bench to defend a colleague whose +Bill--since recognised as one of the most statesmanlike measures of our +generation--was being submitted to the narrowest and meanest canons of +party criticism. It was another appeal for fair-play, unbiassed +judgment, and breadth of view, and it took a hostile and captious House, +Government and Opposition alike, by storm. The name of the Prime +Minister on that occasion was John Champion, and the colleague whom he +defended was Robert Chalmers Fordyce. + +After Champion had sat down--nominally his speech was a vote of +confidence in my unworthy self--Robin rose to second the motion. I did +not envy him his task. It is an ungrateful business at the best, firing +off squibs directly after a shower of meteors. Even a second shower of +meteors would be rather a failure under the circumstances. Robin +realised this. He put something into his pocket and told his audience a +couple of stories--dry, pawky, Scottish yarns--which he admitted were +not new, not true, and not particularly relevant. The first was a +scurrilous anecdote concerning a man from Paisley,--which illustrious +township, by the way, appears to be the target of practically all +Scottish humour,--and the other treated of a Highland minister who was +delivering to a long-suffering congregation a discourse upon the Minor +Prophets. Robin told us how the preacher worked through Obadiah, +Ezekiel, Nahum, Malachi, "and many others whose names are doubtless +equally familiar to you, gentlemen," he added amid chuckles, "placing +them in a kind of ecclesiastical order of merit as he proceeded; and +finally he came to Habakkuk. + +"'What place, my friends, what place will we assign to Habakkuk?' he +roared. + +"That, gentlemen," said Robin, "proved to be the last straw. A man rose +up under the gallery. + +"'Ye can pit him doon here in my seat,' he roared. 'I'm awa' hame!' + +"Gentlemen," added Robin, as the shout of laughter subsided, "I fear +that one of you will be for offering _his_ seat to Habakkuk if I go on +any longer, so I will just second the motion and sit down." + +After that I rose to my weary feet and offered my contribution. I have +no intention of giving a _précis_ of my speech here. It was exactly the +same as all the speeches ever delivered on such occasions. Thucydides +could have written it down word for word without ever having heard me +deliver it. It was not in the least a good speech, but it was the sort +of speech they expected, and, better still, it was the sort of speech +they wanted. Everybody was too excited to be critical, and I sat down, +perspiring and thankful, amid enthusiasm. + +Then came the most trying ordeal of all--questions. + +I am no hand at repartee; but practice had sharpened my faculties +in this direction, and I had, moreover, become fairly conversant +with the type of query to which the seeker after knowledge on these +occasions usually confines himself. The great secret is to bear in +mind the fact that what people want in one's reply is not accurate +information--unless, of course, you are standing for a Scottish +constituency, and then Heaven help you!--but something smart. If you can +answer the question, do so; but in any case answer it in such a way as +to make the questioner feel small. Then you will have your audience with +you. + +To prevent unseemly shouting (and, _entre nous_, to give the Candidate a +little more time to polish up his impromptus), the questions were handed +up on slips of paper and read aloud, and answered _seriatim_. They were +sorted and arranged for me by Robin, and I not infrequently found, among +the various slips, a question usually coming directly after a regular +poser, in Robin's handwriting, with a brilliant and telling reply +thoughtfully appended. + +This evening as usual Robin collected the slips from the stewards, and +ultimately laid them on the table before me. I rose, and started on the +heap. The first was a typewritten document which had been handed up by a +thoughtful-looking gentleman in the front row. It contained a single +line-- + +_Are you a Liberal or a Conservative?_ + +This was a trifle hard, I thought, coming directly after my speech; but +fortunately the audience considered it merely funny, and roared when I +remarked pathetically, "This gentleman is evidently deaf." + +Then came the question-- + +_Are you in favour of Woman's Suffrage?_ + +This was no novelty, and was fortunately regarded by the gallant +electors present as a form of comic relief. I adopted my usual plan +under the circumstances, and said-- + +"I am in favour, sir, of giving a woman whatever she wants. It is always +well to make a virtue of necessity." + +This homely and non-committal gibe satisfied most of the audience, and I +was about to proceed to the next question when my interlocutor, a +litigious-looking man with blue spectacles, rose in the circle and +cried-- + +"You are evading the question, sir! Give me an answer. Are you in favour +of Woman's Suffrage or not?" + +"That's fair! Give him his answer!" came the cry from the fickle +audience. + +I was quite prepared for this. I went through an oft-rehearsed and not +uneffective piece of pantomime with Kitty, and replied-- + +"Well, sir, I have just inquired of my wife, who is by my side----" + +I paused expectantly. I was not disappointed. There were loud cheers, +during which I seized the opportunity to glance through the next few +questions. Then, as I was not quite ready-- + +"--As she has _always_ been, all through this arduous campaign----" + +_Terrific enthusiasm, while Kitty blushes and bows very prettily; after +which the conversation proceeds on the following lines:_-- + +_Myself_. And she tells me that she does not want any Suffrage of any +kind whatsoever! + +_"Hear, hear!" But some cries of disapproval._ + +_Myself_. I therefore recommend you, sir, to go home and follow my +example---- + +_(Perfect tornado of laughter. Apparently I have made a home-thrust.)_ + +--And after that, if you will come back to me and report the result of +your--er--investigations--(_yells_)--I shall be happy to go into the +matter with you more fully. + +_Triumphant cheers, and the blue-spectacled man collapses._ + +The unfortunate espouser of the cause of the fair having thus been +derided out of court, I took up the next question. It concerned a +long-standing dispute as to the rights of the clergy of various +denominations to enter the local Board Schools,--this was in the days +far preceding the present educational deadlock,--and I felt that I must +walk warily. I talked at large about liberty of conscience and religious +toleration, but realised as I rambled on that my moderate views and want +of bigotry in one direction or the other were pleasing no one. John Bull +is a curious creature. You may get drunk and beat your wife, and he will +tolerate you; you may run amok through most of the Decalogue, and he +will still be your friend; but venture to worship your Maker in a +fashion which differs one tittle from his own, and he will put down his +pint-pot or desist from sanding the sugar and fell you to the earth. I +was glad to get away from this subject, leaving the audience far from +satisfied, and turn to the next question. It said-- + +_Is the Candidate aware that the important township of Spratling is +entirely without a pier or jetty of any description?_ + +"Certainly I am aware of it," I replied, trying hard to remember where +the place was. The audience began to titter, and I felt uneasy. + +My questioner, a saturnine gentleman in the pit, rose to his feet and +continued-- + +"And if returned to Parliament, will you exert your influence to see +that a jetty is constructed there at the earliest opportunity?" + +"Cer----" There was a very slight movement beside me. Robin was leaning +back unconcernedly in his chair, but on the table under my nose lay a +sheet of paper bearing these words in large printed capitals-- + +SPRATLING IS TEN MILES FROM THE SEA! + +It had been a near thing. + +"Certainly," I continued. "On one condition only," I added at the top of +my voice, above the rising tide of mocking laughter,--"on condition that +you, sir, will personally guarantee a continuous and efficient service +of fast steamers between Spratling and--the sea-coast!" + +It was not a brilliant effort. I think I could have made more of it if I +had had more time. But it served. How they laughed! + +But there were breakers ahead. The next question asked if I was in +favour of compulsory land purchase and small holdings. Of course I was +not; but if I said so I knew I should rouse a dangerous storm, for the +community were much bitten at the time with the "Vine and Fig-tree +Fetish," as some one had happily described it. If, on the other hand, I +said Yes, I should, besides telling a lie,--though, as Cash once +remarked to me, "You can't strain at gnats on polling-day,"--be +committing myself to a scheme, which I knew Stridge had been strongly +urging, for dividing up some of the estate of the Lord of the Manor, the +Earl of Carbolton (whom I knew personally for one of the wisest and most +considerate landlords in the country) into allotments for the benefit of +an industrial population who probably thought that turnips grew on +trees. It would have been easy to make some easily broken promise, but I +have my poor pride, and I never offer the most academic blessing to a +measure that I am not prepared to go into a Lobby for. I wanted time to +think. Perhaps Robin would slip something on to the table. I accordingly +played my usual card, and said-- + +"Now this, gentleman, is an important question, and I am very glad it +has been asked." (Oh, Adrian, my _boy_!) "And when I am faced with such +a question, I always ask myself, 'What, under the circumstances, would +be the course of action of--our great leader?'" + +The device succeeded, and the theatre resounded with frenzied cheers. I +turned to Robin. He was not there. + +I swung round in Kitty's direction. She had left her chair, and was +hurriedly making her way through the group of important nobodies behind +me in the direction of the wings. Robin was there already, in earnest +conversation with a girl. + +It was Dolly. + +Phillis? + + + + +CHAPTER FOURTEEN. + +"TO DIE--WILL BE AN _AWFULLY_ BIG ADVENTURE!" + +--_Peter Pan_. + + +Two minutes later we were driving back to the Cathedral Arms. It was +snowing heavily, but I never noticed the fact. Neither did I realise +that I had abandoned my post at a critical and dangerous moment, and +left my friends on the platform to explain to a puzzled and angry +audience why the Candidate had run away without answering their +questions. But there are deeper things than politics. + +Phillis, we learned from Dolly, had been attacked by violent pains early +in the evening; and about nine o'clock there had been a sudden rise of +temperature, with slight delirium, followed by a complete and alarming +collapse. Dr Farquharson had been sent for, hot-foot, from Stridge's +platform, and his first proceeding had been to summon me from mine. + +He was waiting for us in the hall of the hotel when we arrived, and +Kitty and I took him into our sitting-room and, parent-like, begged to +be told "the worst." + +The doctor--a dour and deliberate Scot--declined to be positive, but +"doubted" it might be perityphlitis. "Appendicitis is a more fashionable +term," he added. The child had rallied, but was very ill, and nothing +more could be done at present except keep her warm and afford relief by +means of poultices and fomentations until the malady should take a +definite turn for the better or the worse. + +"In either case we shall know what to do then," he said; "but for the +present the bairn must just fight her own battle. Has she good health, +as a rule?" + +Yes, thank God! she had. Physically she was frail enough, but she +possessed a tough little constitution. After I had taken a peep into the +room where the poor child, a vision of tumbled hair and wide bright +eyes, lay moaning and tossing, I left Kitty and Dolly and the doctor to +do what they could for her, and went downstairs to take counsel with my +friends. + +Now that the first shock was past, my head was clear again, and my +course lay plain before me. Downstairs I found Robin, Champion, and Cash +silently taking supper. + +"Now, gentlemen," I said, when I had answered Robin's anxious +inquiries--I believe he loved the child almost as much as I did--"this +misfortune has come at a bad time; but one thing is quite plain, and +that is that I must go through with the election. I quite see that I am +not my own master at present." + +Cash looked immensely relieved. Evidently he had been afraid that I +would throw up the sponge. Robin and Champion nodded a grave assent, and +the latter said-- + +"You are right, Adrian. It's the only thing to do." + +"That's true," said Cash. "I am sure you have our deepest sympathy, Mr +Inglethwaite, but we can't possibly let you off on any account." + +It was not a very happy way of putting it, but Cash was an election +agent first and a man afterwards. + +"It was bad enough your running away from the meeting to-night," he +continued, in tones which he tried vainly to keep from sounding +reproachful. "They'd have torn the benches up if Mr Fordyce hadn't let +'em have it straight. I'm afraid it will cost us votes to-morrow." + +All this grated a good deal. I could hear Robin begin to breathe through +his nose, and I knew that sign. I broke in-- + +"What did you say to them, Robin?" + +"Say? I don't really know. I assured them that you must have some good +reason for leaving in such a hurry, and persuaded them to keep quiet for +a bit in case you came back. We put up a few more speakers, but the +people got more and more out of hand; and finally, after about five +minutes of Dubberley, they grew so riotous that we ended the meeting." + +"They had every excuse," said I. "They considered themselves defrauded." + +"So they were," said Cash. + +"Of course, if they had _known_," said Champion, "they would have gone +home like lambs." + +"Somehow," said Robin, "I wish they could have been told, Adrian. I +should have liked fine to explain to them that you didn't leave the +meeting just because you couldn't answer that last question." + +"By gum!" Cash had been striving to deliver himself for some time. "Mr +Inglethwaite," he said excitedly, "they must be told at once! We can get +more good out of your little girl's illness than fifty meetings would do +us. You know what the British public are! I'll circulate the real reason +of your departure from the meeting first thing to-morrow morning, and +half the wobblers in the place will vote for you out of sheer +kind-heartedness. I know 'em!" + +The exemplary creature almost smacked his lips. + +There was a tense silence all round the table. Then I said, with some +heat-- + +"Mr Cash, I have delivered myself into your hands, body and soul, ever +since Nomination Day, and I have obeyed you to the letter all through +this campaign. But--I am not going to allow a sick child's sufferings to +be employed as a political asset to-morrow." + +There was a sympathetic growl from the other two. + +"Oh, we shouldn't do it as publicly as all that," said the unabashed +Cash. "Trust me! No ostentation; just an explanatory report circulated +in a subdued sort of way--and perhaps a strip of tan-bark down on the +road outside the hotel--eh? _I_ know how to do it. It'll pay, I tell +you. And there'll be no publicity----" + +I laid my head upon the table and groaned. For three weeks I had had +perhaps four hours' sleep a-night, and I had been worked down to my last +reserve of energy, keeping in hand just enough to meet all the probable +contingencies of to-morrow's election. Dialectics with Cash as to the +market value of a little girl's illness had not been included in the +estimate. I groaned. + +Champion answered for me. + +"Mr Cash, don't you see how painful these proposals are to Mr +Inglethwaite? Put such ideas out of your head once and for all. No man +worthy of the name would accept votes won in such a way." + +There was a confirmatory rumble from Robin. + +"We can't have _ad misericordiam_ appeals here, Mr Cash," he said. + +Champion continued briskly-- + +"Now, Mr Cash, we will get Mr Inglethwaite a drink and send him to bed. +He has not had a decent night's rest for a fortnight. We trust to you +not to talk of the child's illness to anybody,--that is the _only_ way +to avoid making capital of it,--and if you will call here to-morrow +after breakfast I will guarantee that your Candidate will be fit and +ready to go round the polling-booths with you, and"--he put his hand on +my shoulder--"set an example to all of us." + +Cash, completely pulverised, departed as bidden, desolated over this +renunciation of eleemosynary votes; and Robin, Champion, and I finished +our supper in peace,--if one can call it peace when there is no peace. + +Champion was leaving by the night mail, for he had promised to address a +meeting two hundred miles away next day. His cab was already at the +door, and we said good-bye to him on the hotel steps. + +He shook hands with me in silence, and turned to Robin. + +"Three fingers, and not too much soda, and then put him straight to +bed," he commanded. + +Then he turned to me again. + +"Don't sit up and worry, old man," he said. "Go to bed, anyhow. The +doctor and your womenfolk will do all that can be done. Your duties +commence to-morrow. Keep your tail up, and face it out. _Noblesse +oblige_, you know. Good-night." + +He drove away, and Robin and I returned to the sitting-room. + +Robin mixed me a stiff whisky-and-soda. + +"Champion's prescription," he said. "Down with it!" + +I obeyed listlessly. + +"Now come along upstairs with me. You are going to bed. I want to turn +you out a first-class Candidate in the morning--not a boiled owl." + +His cheery masterfulness had its effect, and I suddenly felt a man +again. + +"Never fear!" I said. "I shall go through with it right enough--the +whole business--unless--unless--Robin, old man, supposing--supposing----" + +"Blethers!" said Robin hastily. "She'll be much better in the morning. +Here's your room. Good-night!" + +He shepherded me into my bedroom, shut the door on me, and tiptoed away. + +I really made a determined effort to go to bed. I actually lay down and +covered myself up, but sleep I could not. After an hour of conscientious +endeavour I rose, inspired with a new idea. + +The doctor had straitly forbidden me to enter Phillis's room; but +opening out of it was the apartment that was used as her nursery. There +would be a fire there: I would spend the rest of the night on a sofa in +front of it. + +I looked at my watch. It was one o'clock. I took a candle, walked softly +down the passage, and let myself quietly into the nursery. The door +leading into Phillis's room was ajar, and a slight smell of some drug or +disinfectant assailed my sharpened senses. + +The room was in darkness, except that a good fire burned in the grate. A +silent figure rose up from before it at my entrance. + +It was Robin. Somehow I was not in the least surprised to see him there. + +"Come along," he said softly. "I was expecting you." + + * * * * * + +We sat there for the rest of the long night. The house was very still, +but every quarter of an hour the Cathedral chimes across the Close--our +rooms lay in a quiet wing of the hotel, which formed a hollow square +with the Cathedral, Chapter-house, and Canonries--furnished a musical +break in the silence. So tensely mechanical does one's brain become +under such circumstances, that presently I found myself anticipating the +exact moment when the next quarter would strike; and I remember feeling +quite disappointed and irritable if, when I said to myself _"Now!"_ the +chime did not ring out for another fifteen seconds or so. Truly, at +three o'clock on a sleepless morning the grasshopper is a burden. + +Once Robin rose softly to his feet and turned towards the door of +Phillis's room. I had not heard any one move there, but when I looked +round Dolly was standing on the threshold. She was wrapped in a +kimono,--I remember its exact colour and pattern to this day, and the +curious manner in which the heraldic-looking animals embroidered upon it +winked at me in the firelight,--and she held an incongruous-looking +coal-scuttle in her hand. It was not by any means empty, but she handed +it to Robin with a little nod of authority and vanished again. + +I looked listlessly at Robin, wondering what he was to do with the +coal-scuttle. He began to cut a newspaper into strips, after which he +picked suitable lumps of coal out of the scuttle and tied them up into +neat little paper packets, half a dozen of which he presently handed +through the door to Dolly. I suppose she placed them noiselessly on the +fire in Phillis's room, but we heard no sound. + +It was a bitterly cold night, and outside the snow was lying thick; so +Robin busied himself with preparing other little packets of coal, and at +intervals throughout the long night he passed them through the door to +the tireless Dolly. + +Various sounds came from within. Occasionally the child suffered spasms +of pain, and we could hear her crying. Then all-wise Nature would grant +the sorely tried little body a rest at the expense of the mind that +ruled it, and poor Phillis would drop into a sort of rambling delirium, +through which we perforce accompanied her. At one time she would be +wandering through some Elysian field of her own; we heard her calling +her mates and proposing all manner of attractive games. (Even +"Beckoning" was included. Once I distinctly heard her "choose" me.) But +more often she was in deadly fear. Her solitary little spirit was too +plainly beset by those nameless ghosts that haunt the borderland +separating the realms of Death from those of his brother Sleep. Once her +voice rose to a scream. + +"Uncle Robin! It's the Kelpie! Stop it! It's coming--it's breaving on +me! Uncle _Robin_! oh----!" + +I looked at Robin. He was sitting gripping the arms of his chair, with +every muscle in his body rigid; and I knew that he, like myself, was +praying God to strike down the cowardly devil that would torment a +child. + +Then I heard, for the first time that night, the soothing murmur of +Kitty's voice. + +"It's all right, dearie. Mother is holding you fast. It shan't hurt you. +There, it's running away now, isn't it? See!" + +Kitty's tones would have lightened the torments of the Pit, and +Phillis's cries presently died down to an uneasy whisper. After a sudden +and curiously pathetic little outburst of singing,--chiefly a jumble of +scraps from such old favourites as "Onward, Christian _Sailors_!"--there +was silence again, and the Cathedral chimed out half-past four. + +Shortly after this the doctor came out of the room with a message from +Kitty that I ought to be in bed. Evidently Dolly had told her about me. + +"How is she now, doctor?" I whispered, disregarding the command. + +"Up and down, up and down. She is making a brave fight of it, poor +lassie, but we can do little at present except stand by and give relief +when the bad fits come." + +"May I go in and see her?" + +"No, no! You could do no good, and she might be frightened if she caught +sight of a large dim figure in the dark. Leave it to the women, and +thank God for them. Hark!" + +Phillis was back in Elysium again. + +"Who's been eating my porridge?" said a gruff little voice. Then came a +rapturous shriek. Evidently the Little Bear had caught Curly Locks in +his bed. We sat listening, while the game ended and another followed in +its place. Suddenly she began to sing again-- + + "Then three times round went that gallant ship, + And three times round went she; + Then three times round went that gallant ship, + And--sank--to the--bottom of the sea--ea--ee--" + +There was a little wailing _rallentando_, and silence. + +"Philly, Philly, _don't_!" It was the only time that night that Kitty +gave any sign of breaking down. The doctor hurried back into the room. +The clock struck five. + + * * * * * + +After that there was a very long silence. It must have lasted nearly an +hour. Then Dolly tiptoed out to us. + +"She's asleep," she whispered. "He says she's a shade better. I want +another coal-packet." + +She took what Robin gave her, and faded away. + +After that I think we dozed in our chairs. The next thing I remember was +a knock at the outer door. I opened my heavy eyes and stirred my stiff +joints. The Boots put his head in, and I realised it was daylight. + +"Half-past eight, sir. Mr Cash is waiting downstairs. Poll's been open +half an hour, he says." + + + + +CHAPTER FIFTEEN. + +TWO BATTLES. + + +Before I left the hotel I struck a bargain with Cash. I would go +anywhere and do anything, but he was to give me a written itinerary of +my movements for the day, clearly stating where I should be at various +times. This document I left in the hands of Dolly, who promised +faithfully to send for me, if--if necessary. + +Then, putting my paternal instincts into my pocket, I braced myself up +and plunged into the vortex of polling-day. + +Truly, if Time is the healer, Work is the anesthetic. In the turmoil of +the crowded streets and polling-booths, I found myself almost as +enthusiastic and whole-hearted as if no little girl of mine were +fighting for life in a darkened room not many streets away. I shook +hands with countless folk, I addressed meetings of the unwashed at +street corners, and received the plaudits or execrations of the +multitude with equal serenity. + +Robin hastened away to the Hide-and-Tallow Works, whence, during the +dinner-hour, he charmed many an oleaginous elector to come and plump for +Inglethwaite, the Man Whom He Knew and Who Knew Him. Gerald and Donkin, +smothered in violets and primroses, were personally conducting a sort of +tumbril, which dashed across my field of vision from time to time, +sometimes full, sometimes empty, but always at full gallop. + +Election "incidents" were plentiful. I was standing in the principal +polling-station at one time, when a gentleman called Hoppett, a cobbler +by persuasion--I think I have already mentioned him as the benignant +individual who used to come to the door of his establishment and pursue +me with curses down the street--came out from recording his vote. He did +not see me, but caught sight of Robin, who had just arrived with a +_posse_ of electors, and was standing by the Returning Officer's table. +Hobbling up, the cobbler shook a gnarled fist under my secretary's nose. + +"I've voted against your man," he shouted. "We're goin' to be rid of the +lot of you this time. Set of reskils!... I've put my mark against +Stridge, I have; and against Inglethwaite's name I've put a picture of a +big boot--one of my own making, too! The big boot!" he screamed +ecstatically--"that's what your man is a-going to get to-day. Set +of----" + +Robin smiled benignantly upon him, and glanced at the Returning Officer. + +"You hear what this gentleman says?" he remarked. + +"I do," replied the official. + +"Is it not a fact that he has annulled his vote by making unnecessary +marks on his voting-paper?" continued Robin solemnly. + +"That is so," assented the Returning Officer. "I'm afraid your vote +won't count this time, Mr Hoppett. Good morning!" + +There was a roar of delighted laughter from friend and foe, and the +fermenting Hoppett was cast forth. + +I succeeded in getting back to the hotel for ten minutes at +luncheon-time. Dolly met me--pale, sleepless, but unbeaten. + +"The doctor is with her just now," she said. "She has been in fearful +pain, poor kiddy; but he has given her a drug of some sort, and she is +easier now." + +"Couldn't I see her, just a moment?" I said wistfully. + +"The answer to that question, sir," replied Dolly, "is in the negative." + +We both smiled resolutely at this familiar tag, and Dolly concluded-- + +"Kitty is lying down. I made her. But she is going to get up when +they--I mean----" + +I detected a curious confusion in her voice. + +"When what?" I asked. + +"Nothing." + +I surveyed my sister-in-law uneasily + +"Are they expecting--a crisis, then?" + +"Yes--a sort of a one." + +"When?" + +Dolly seemed to consider. + +"About five," she said. + +"Hadn't I better be near, in case----?" + +"Where are you to be this afternoon?" + +"Hunnable." + +Dolly nodded her head reflectively. + +"When can you be back?" she asked. + +"I can do it by five, I should think." + +"That will be soon enough. The doctor said that if--you were wanted, it +would be about then. Good-bye, old gentleman!" + +"Good-bye, Dolly! Mind you go to bed." (We seem to have spent a large +portion of that twenty-four hours urging each other to go to bed.) + +Then I went back to work. + +Polling had been brisk during the dinner-hour, and both Cash and Robin +considered that we were doing fairly well. Things would be slack at +Stoneleigh itself during the afternoon, and the obvious and politic +course now was to drive over to the fishing village of Hunnable--I had +only time for one, and this was the most considerable--and catch my +marine constituents as they emerged from the ocean, Proteus-like, +between three and four o'clock. + +I did so, and for the space of an hour and a half I solicited the +patronage of innumerable tarry mariners, until their horny hands +had filled up the voting-papers and my own smelt to heaven of fish. +It was a quarter to five, and dark, before I escaped from the attentions +of a small but pertinacious group of inquirers who wanted to understand +my exact attitude on the question of trawling within the three-mile +limit, and proceeded at a hand-gallop back to Stoneleigh. (That +odoriferous but popular vehicle, the motor-car, was still in the +preceded-by-a-man-ten-yards-in-front-bearing-a-red-flag stage in those +days, and we had to rely on that antiquated but much more reliable +medium of transport, the horse.) The snow lay very heavily in places, +and our progress was not over-rapid. Moreover, passing the central +Committee Rooms on my way to the hotel, I was stopped and haled within +to conciliate various wobblers, and another twenty minutes of precious +time sped. But I stuck to my determination to let nothing interfere with +duty that day, and I argued with free-thinkers and pump-handled bemused +supporters until all was settled and Cash said I might go. + +Still, it was nearer six than five when my panting horses drew up at the +Cathedral Arms. + +There was no Dolly to receive me this time, but at the top of the stairs +leading to our rooms I met the doctor. He was accompanied by a +grey-haired, kind-eyed old gentleman in a frock-coat, with "London +Specialist" written all over him. It was Sir James Fordyce. + +"Well?" I asked feverishly as I shook hands. + +The two men motioned me into the sitting-room, and Farquharson said, in +a curiously uncertain fashion-- + +"Mr Inglethwaite, we have done a thing which should not, properly, have +been done without your consent. Your secretary suggested the idea, and I +agreed. Mrs Inglethwaite made a point of our saying nothing to you, and +volunteered to take all responsibility on herself. She said you were not +to be worried. So I wired for Sir James----" + +"I see," I said, "and he operated?" + +"Yes, at three o'clock this afternoon. Indeed, your sister-in-law, I +think, purposely concealed from you----" + +"She did." That, then, was the "crisis" that Dolly had in her mind, and +that, too, was why she had told me to come back at five--when everything +would be well over! + +I continued-- + +"And how have you--I mean--is she----?" + +"The operation," said the old man, "was entirely successful, and, as it +turned out, most necessary. But of course for so young a patient the +strain was terrible." + +"How is she?" + +"She came through finely, but I do not conceal from you the fact that +her life hangs by a thread." + +I had a premonition that something was going to be "broken" to me. I +dropped into a chair, and waited dully. Then I felt a hand on my +shoulder, and Sir James continued-- + +"Just weakness, you understand! Her exhaustion when she came out of the +chloroform was extreme, but every moment now is in our favour. Children +have such extraordinary recuperative power." + +He was speaking in the usual cheery tones of the bedside optimist. I +raised my head. + +"Tell me straight, Sir James--will the child live?" + +The old man's grip on my shoulder tightened just for a moment, and when +he spoke it was in an entirely unprofessional voice. + +"Thanks to two of the bravest and most devoted of women," he said, "I +think she will." + +I dropped my head into my hands. + +"Please God!" I murmured brokenly. + +"Of course," he continued, "anything may happen yet. But the way in +which she has been cared for by my good friend here----" + +"No, no," said Farquharson. "Give the credit to those that deserve it. I +just afforded ordinary professional assistance. It was your wife and her +sister, Mr Inglethwaite, that pulled the child through. She has had +tight hold of a hand of one of them ever since ten o'clock last night." + +"Yes," said Sir James; "I think it will be found that their nursing has +just made the difference. You had better give him something, +Farquharson." + +In truth I needed something, though up to this point I had not realised +the fact. Farquharson gave me a draught out of a little glass, which +sent a steadying glow all through me, and presently I was able to shake +hands, dumbly and mechanically, with the great surgeon, who, I found, +was bidding me good-bye; for the world is full of sick folk, and their +champion may not stay to see the issue of one battle before he must +hurry off to fight another. + +They left me to myself, while Farquharson went down to the door with Sir +James. Presently he returned. + +"I must be getting back to the patient shortly," he said. "The next hour +or so will be very critical. The nurse is here, and I have sent the +ladies to bed. But you may go in for a look, if you like. I am going out +for exactly ten minutes." + +"I see--a breather. You deserve it." + +"Not exactly. I'm going to vote--for Stridge!" + +He chuckled in a marvellously cheering way, and left me. + +As I approached Phillis's room the door opened, and I was confronted +with that most soothing and comforting of sights to a sick man--a +nurse's uniform. She was a pleasant-faced girl, I remember, and she was +carrying a basin full of sponges and water, cruelly tinged. + +"Just a peep!" she said, with that little air of motherly sternness +which all women, however young, adopt towards fractious children and +helpless males. + +She closed the door very softly upon me, and left me alone. + +For a moment I stood uncertain in the shadow of the screen that guarded +the door. There was a whiff of chloroform in the air, and through the +doorway leading to the room where we had sat throughout the previous +night I could see the end of a white-covered table. Thank God, that part +of the business was over! + +A shaded lamp burned at Phillis's bedside. She lay deathly still, an +attenuated little derelict amid an ocean of white bed-clothes. + +At first I thought I was alone with the child, and was moving softly +forward when I became suddenly aware that some one was kneeling at the +far side of the bed. It was Kitty. Evidently she had not obeyed the +doctor's orders about going to bed. + +A single ray from the lamp fell upon her face. Her eyes were wide open, +and she seemed to be looking straight at me. Her lips were moving, and I +became aware that she was speaking, very earnestly and almost inaudibly. + +I stood still to hear her. Then I realised that her words were not +addressed to me. Very carefully I stepped back to the door-handle, +turned it, and slipped out. + + + + +CHAPTER SIXTEEN. + +"QUI PERD, GAGNE." + + +Once more I was back in the thick of it all, and till the closing of the +poll at eight o'clock I strove, in company with Cash, Robin, and others, +to direct the inclinations of my constituents into the proper channels. + +The tumult increased as the evening advanced. More snow had fallen +during the afternoon, and outlying electors were being conveyed to the +scene of action with the utmost difficulty. People were voting at seven +o'clock who had intended to get it done and be home by six; and as time +wore on it was seen that there would be a desperate rush of business +right up till closing time. + +Every one was in high spirits. That potent factor in British politics, +the electioneering egg, had been entirely superseded by the snowball, +and the youth of Stoneleigh, massed in the public square outside the +Town Hall, were engaged, with a lofty indifference to party distinctions +that would have been sublime if it had not been so painful, in an +untrammelled bombardment of all who crossed their path. + +At length the Cathedral chimed out the hour of eight, and the poll +closed. Cash hurried up to me. + +"It's going to be a desperately close thing," he said. "The counting +will begin at once, in the Mayor's room on the first floor of the Town +Hall. The outlying boxes should be in by half-past nine at the latest, +and the result should be out by about eleven. You'll come and watch the +counting, I suppose." + +But there are limits to human endurance. + +"Mr Cash," I said, buttoning my overcoat up to my ears as a preliminary +to an encounter with the budding statesmen outside, "I think I have got +to the end of my day's work. Nothing can affect the result now, and I'm +going home--that's flat. Good-night!" + +"Surely you're coming to hear the result announced," wailed Cash. +"There's the vote of thanks to the Returning Officer. You'll have to +propose that--or second it," he added grimly. + +"Well, I'll see. But I think, now that the poll is closed, that my duty +lies elsewhere," I said. "If I am really wanted, send word by Mr +Fordyce." + +Five minutes later, and I was once more at the Cathedral Arms. The +ground floor of that hostelry hummed like a hive, and the bar and +smoking-room were filled to overflowing with supporters of both sides, +who were prudently avoiding all risk of disappointment by celebrating +the result of the election in advance. + +I pushed my way through a group of enthusiastic patriots--many of them +in that condition once described to me by a sporting curate as "holding +two or three firkins apiece"--who crowded round me, fired with a desire +to drink success to the British Constitution--a rash shibboleth, by the +way, for gentlemen in their situation to attempt to enunciate at all--at +my expense, and hastened upstairs to our wing. + +In the passage I met the nurse. She greeted me with a little smile; but +I was mistrustful of professional cheerfulness that night. + +"Will you tell Mrs Inglethwaite or Miss Rubislaw that I have come in, +please?" I said, and turned into the sitting-room. + +The sight of a snug room or a bright fire or a colossal arm-chair is +always comforting to a weary man, even though his thoughts admit of +little rest. I sank down amid these comforts, and closed my eyes. Now +that my long day's play-acting was over, and nothing mattered any more, +I began to realise how great the strain had been. I was utterly done. I +had no clear recollection of having tasted food since breakfast, but I +was not hungry. All I wanted was to be left in peace. Even the sickening +anxiety about Phillis had died down to a sort of dull ache. In a few +minutes a too-wakeful mind struggled with an exhausted body. I wondered +dimly when somebody would come and tell me how Philly was. Perhaps---- + +I fell asleep. + +I was awakened by the consciousness of a second presence in my +arm-chair, which was a roomy one of the saddle-bag variety. It was +Kitty. Presently I became aware that she was crying, softly, as women +usually do,--men gulp noisily, because they have lost control of +themselves, and children wail, chiefly to attract attention,--but so +softly on this occasion that I knew she was trying to avoid disturbing +me. + +It had happened, then. + +Well, obviously, this was one of the rare occasions upon which a husband +can be of some use to his wife. I sat up, and made a clumsy effort at a +caress. + +"We've still got each other," I said, rather brokenly. + +Kitty positively laughed. + +"Adrian, you don't understand. Philly roused up for a few minutes about +eight o'clock,--very _piano_, poor mite, but almost herself,--and then +dropped off into a beautiful sleep, bless her! The doctor has gone home +and left the nurse in charge. He says things should be all right now. +Oh, Adrian, Adrian!" + +And my wife sobbed afresh. + +"Then what the--what on earth are you crying for?" I demanded. + +"I don't know, dear," said Kitty, without making any attempt to stop. +"I'm so happy!" + +Really, women are the most extraordinary creatures. Here was I, after +the labour and anxiety of the last twenty-four hours, ready to shout for +joy. I was no longer tired: I felt as if my day's work had never been. I +wanted to sing--to dance--to give three cheers in a whisper. And my +wife, after giving me a very bad fright, was sitting celebrating our +victory by a flood of tears and other phenomena usually attributed by +the masculine mind to unfathomable woe. It was all very perplexing, and +I felt a trifle ill-used; but I suppose it was one of the things that +mark the difference between a man and a woman. + +After that we sat long and comfortably. Our conversation need not be set +down here, for it has no bearing on this chronicle. + +Finally we looked at the clock, and then at each other. + +"We must have been sitting here a long time," I said. "I wonder where +the others are." + +"By the way," said Kitty, "Dilly and Dicky have arrived. Robin and Dolly +wired for them this morning. They may be upstairs any moment. They were +having supper in the coffee-room when last I saw them." She patted her +hair. "Do I look an awful fright?" + +I turned in the restricted space at my command and surveyed her. + +"Do my eyes look wet?" she inquired, feeling in my pocket for my +handkerchief. + +Kitty has large grey eyes. Once, during the most desperate period of our +courtship, I referred to them as "twin lakes"--an indiscretion which +their owner, in her less generous moments, still casts up to me. But +to-night the territory surrounding them presented a distinct appearance +of inundation. I continued to gaze. I thought of last night's ceaseless +vigil and to-day's long-drawn battle. My wife had borne the brunt of +all, and I had grudged her a few tears! My heart smote me. + +"Kit!" I said suddenly; "poor Kit!"... + +We were interrupted by the opening of the door and the entrance of what +I at first took to be a chimney-sweep's apprentice, but which proved to +be my brother-in-law, with evidence of electoral strenuousness written +thick upon him. + +"Hallo, you two!" he remarked genially. Then, noticing our +unconventional economy of sitting-space--"Sorry! I didn't know. I +thought you'd given up that sort of thing years ago!" + +I rose and shook myself. + +"Come in, my son," I said. + +"Righto!" replied Gerald. Then he addressed himself to a figure which, +with true delicacy of feeling, had shrunk back into the passage outside. + +"Come in, Moke, old man. I've got them separated now!" + +The discreet Master Donkin sidled respectfully in at the door, and +Gerald continued. + +"Moke and I would like to say how pleased we are to hear about Phillis," +he said, rather awkwardly for him. "We have just got to hear how really +bad she's been." + +The resolution was seconded by a confirmatory mumble from Master Donkin. + +"We met the nurse just now," continued Gerald, "and she told us about +the operation, and all that. It must have been a pretty thick day for +you, Adrian. And you're looking pretty rotten, too, Kitty," he added +with brotherly directness. "But do you people know what time it is? +Half-past eleven, nearly. The result should be out any minute. Aren't +you coming to the Town Hall? They'll want you to make a speech, or get +egged, or something." + +I looked at my watch. + +"Well, there's no particular reason why I shouldn't go--_now_," I said. +"What do you say, Kitty? Hark! What's that?" + +"That's the result, I expect," said my brother-in-law. + +We drew up the blind and opened the window. The moon was shining +brightly, and threw the monstrous shadow of the Cathedral very blackly +upon the untrodden snow of the peaceful Close. Through the clear night +air came the sound of frenzied cheering. + +"That's it, right enough," said Gerald. "I wonder if you've got the +chuck, my bonny boy." + +"Ugh! It is cold! Come in," said Kitty. + +We shut the window, drew down the blind, returned to the fire, and +waited. Dolly joined us now, and Kitty vanished to sit by Phillis. We +waited on. Somehow it never occurred to us to send downstairs for news. +I suppose there are times when the human craving for sensation is sated. +We sat and waited. + +At last the door opened, and, as I expected, Robin entered. He looked +like a man who has not been to bed for a week. He shut the door softly +behind him--evidently he feared he might be entering a house of +mourning--and surveyed us for a moment without speaking. I knew what was +in his mind. Then he said-- + +"We have lost." + +I stood up. + +"On the contrary," I replied, "we have won." + +In a bound Robin was on the hearth-rug, gripping my hand with his. (His +other had somehow got hold of one of Dolly's, and I remember wondering +if he was hurting her as much as me.) + +"You mean it?" he roared. + +"I do. She is sleeping like a lamb." + +"Oh, man, I'm just glad! What does _anything_ matter after that?" + +Then we sat down and smiled upon each other largely and vacuously. We +were all a little unstrung that night, I think. After all, it seems +rather unreasonable to lavish one's time, labour, and money on an +electoral contest, and then laugh when you lose, and say it doesn't +matter, just because a child isn't going to die. Oh, I am glad Mr Cash +was not there! + +"But I must tell you what happened when the result was read out," said +Robin. "It was a near thing--a majority of twenty-seven. (I don't think +it is worth while to ask for a recount: everything was done very +carefully.) When the figures went up there was the usual hullabaloo----" + +"We heard it, thanks," said Gerald. + +"And presently Stridge stepped out on to the balcony and bowed his +acknowledgments. There was a lot more yelling and horn-blowing, and then +they began to cry out for Inglethwaite." + +"Naturally. Yes?" + +"They were quiet at last, and Stridge got his speech in. He talked the +usual blethers about having struck a blow that night that would ring +through England,--just what _you_ would have had to say if you had got +in, in fact,--and _then_ he went on, the old sumph, to say that for +reasons best known to himself his _honourable_ opponent had seen fit to +withhold his presence from them that night, and he begged leave to add +that he considered that a man, even though he knew he was going to be +beaten, ought to have the pluck to come and face the music." + +"Mangy bounder!" remarked my brother-in-law dispassionately. + +"Oh, I was just raging!" continued Robin. "The people of course yelled +themselves hoarse; and Stridge was going on to rub it into you, when I +stepped on to the balcony beside him--I had been standing just inside +the window--and I put my hand on Stridge's fat shoulder and I pulled him +back a wee thing, and I roared-- + +"'Gentlemen, will you not let me say a word for Mr Inglethwaite?'" + +Dolly's eyes began to blaze, and I saw her lips part in anticipation. + +"There was a tremendous uproar then," Robin went on with relish. "The +folk howled to Stridge to put me over the balcony----" + +"I wish he had tried!" said Gerald with simple fervour. + +"And other folk cried to me to go on. They knew there must be some +explanation of your absence. I just stood there and let them roar. +Inside the room there was a fine commotion; and with the tail of my eye +I could see Cash hurrying round explaining to them what I wanted to say. +(He has his points, Cash!) Then at last, as the noise got worse and +worse, I put my mouth to Stridge's ear and bellowed that he would regret +it all his life if he didn't let me say what I had to say, and that he +would be grateful to me afterwards, and all that. He is a decent old +buffer, really, and he was evidently impressed with what I said----" + +"I should like to know exactly what you did say, Robin," I interpolated. + +"Never mind just now. Anyhow, he turned and clambered back into the +room, and left me with the crowd. They were soon quiet, and I just told +them." + +Robin leaned back in his chair. + +"Told them _what_?" came from all parts of the room. + +But Robin had become suddenly and maddeningly Caledonian again. + +"I just told them about Philly," he said. "What else could I do? It +wasn't like telling them during the election. That would have been an +appeal to the gallery for votes. This was just common justice to you. +Anyhow, they quite quietened down after that." + +And that was all the report that its author ever gave us of a speech +which, in the space of four minutes, turned a half-maddened election mob +into a silent, a sympathetic, and (I heard afterwards) a deeply moved +body of sober human beings. + +"What happened next?" asked Kitty, who had rejoined us. (Phillis was +still sleeping sweetly, she said.) + +"After that I hauled old Stridge on to the balcony again and gave him a +congratulatory hand-shake, _coram populo_, on your behalf. Then I +retired and slipped out by a back way and came here. Stridge was in full +eruption again when I left----" + +Dolly held up her hand. + +"What is that curious noise?" she said. + +"It's outside," said Kitty. + +Gerald went to the window and lifted the blind. Then he turned to us. + +"I say," he said in an unusual voice, "come here a minute." + +We drew up the blind and surveyed the scene before us. + +Two minutes before the moon had shone upon an untrodden expanse of snow. +Now the Close was black with people. There must have been two or three +thousand. They stood there in the gleaming moonlight, silent, +motionless, like an army of phantoms. At their head and forefront--I +could see the moonlight glitter on his watch-chain, which lay in a most +favourable position for lunar reflection--stood the newly elected Member +for Stoneleigh, Mr Alderman Stridge. + +Simultaneously there was a knock at the door, and the hall-porter of the +hotel appeared. + +"Mr Stridge's compliments, sir, and he would like to have a word with +you." + +"Go down quickly, Adrian," said Kitty anxiously. "They'll wake Philly!" + +I descended without a word, and passed out into the Close from a French +window on the ground floor. + +I glanced up in the direction of our rooms and noticed that my party +were standing on the balcony outside the sitting-room. I could see +Kitty's anxious face. But she need have had no fear. + +Mr Stridge advanced towards me, silk hat in hand. Behind him stood a +variety of Stoneleigh worthies, and I had time to notice that the group +was composed of an indiscriminate mixture of friends and foes. + +"Mr Inglethwaite, sir," said Stridge, "I should like to shake you by the +hand." + +He did so, as did a few of those immediately around us, in perfect +silence. I wondered what was coming. + +"That is all, sir," said Stridge simply, and not without a certain +dignity. "We shall move off now. We did you a wrong to-night, and we all +of us"--he indicated the motionless multitude with a sweep of his +hand--"agreed to come here in silence, just for a moment, as an +indication of our sympathy and--respect." + +I was unable to speak, which was not altogether surprising. There was +something overwhelming about the dumb kindness of it all,--three +thousand excited folk holding themselves in for fear of disturbing a +sick child,--and I merely shook Stridge's hand again. + +However, I found my voice at last. + +"Mr Stridge," I said, "there is only one thing I will say in response to +your kindness, but I think it is the one thing most calculated to reward +you all for it. To-night my little girl's illness took a favourable +turn. She is now fast asleep, and practically out of danger." + +I saw a great ripple pass over the crowd, like a breeze over a +cornfield, as the news sped from mouth to mouth. Both Stridge's great +hands were on my shoulders. + +"Good lad!" he said. "Good lad!" + +He patted my shoulders again, and then, as if struck by a sudden idea, +he turned and whispered a direction to his lieutenants. I overheard the +words "Market Square," and "A good half mile away." Once more the wave +passed over the cornfield, and without a sound the great concourse +turned to the left and streamed away over the trampled snow, leaving me +standing bareheaded on the steps of the French window, almost directly +below the spot where the unconscious little object of all this +consideration lay fast asleep. + +I returned to the group on the balcony. They had heard most of the +conversation, and Kitty was unaffectedly dabbing her eyes. + +"Well, let us get in out of the cold," I said, suddenly cheerful and +brisk. "I want my supper." + +"Wait a moment," said Robin, "I don't think everything is quite over +yet. What is that? Listen!" + +From the direction of the Market Square came the shouts of a great +multitude. Cheer upon cheer floated up to the starry heavens. The roars +that had greeted the declaration of the poll were nothing to these. +There was a united ring about them that had been lacking in the others. +It was like one whole-hearted many-headed giant letting off steam. + +"A-a-h!" said Kitty. + + + + +CHAPTER SEVENTEEN. + +IN WHICH ALL'S RIGHT WITH THE WORLD. + + +After that we became suddenly conscious of our bodily wants, and +clamoured for supper. + +It was long after midnight, and most of the hotel servants had gone to +bed. But one waiter of political leanings, who had been an enthusiastic +witness of the proceedings in the Close, stood by us nobly. He laid a +table in the sitting-room. He materialised a cold turkey, a brown loaf, +and some tomatoes; and he even achieved table-napkins. Gerald and Donkin +on their part disappeared into the nether regions, and returned bearing +mince-pies and cider. Some one else found champagne and opened it; and +in a quarter of an hour we were left to ourselves by the benignant +waiter round a comfortably loaded table, in a snug room with the fire +burning and the curtains drawn. + +It was an eccentric kind of meal, for every one was overflowing with a +sort of reactionary hilarity; and everybody called everybody else "old +man" or "my dear," and I was compelled to manipulate my food with my +left hand owing to the fact that my wife insisted on clinging tightly to +my right. The only times I got a really satisfactory mouthful were when +she slipped out of the room to see how her daughter was sleeping. + +As the meal progressed, I began to note the exceedingly domestic and +intimate manner in which we were seated round the table, which was small +and circular. Kitty and I sat together; then, on our right, came Dicky +and Dilly, then Gerald and Donkin, each partially obscured from view by +a bottle of cider about the size of an Indian club; and Dolly and Robin +completed the circle. + +The party comported themselves variously. Kitty and I said little. We +were utterly tired and dumbly thankful, and had no desire to contribute +greatly to the conversation; but we turned and looked at one another in +a contented sort of way at times. Dicky and Dilly were still +sufficiently newly married to be more or less independent of other +people's society, and they kept up a continuous undercurrent of +lover-like confidences and playful nothings all the time. Gerald, upon +whom solid food seemed to have the effect that undiluted alcohol has +upon ordinary folk, was stentoriously engaged with Mr Donkin in what a +student of _Paley's Evidences_ would have described as "A Contest of +Opposite Improbabilities" concerning his election experiences. + +Lastly, I turned to Dolly and Robin. Dolly's splendid vitality has stood +her in good stead during the last twenty-four hours, and this, combined +with the present flood-tide of joyous relief, made it hard to believe +that she had spent a day and a night of labour and anxiety. She was much +more silent than usual, but her face was flushed and happy, and somehow +I was reminded of the time when I had watched her greeting the dawn on +the morning after Dilly's wedding. Robin, with the look of a man who has +a hard day's work behind him, a full meal inside him, and a sound +night's sleep before him--and what three greater blessings could a man +ask for himself?--sat beside her, smiling largely and restfully on the +company around him. + +Suddenly Dicky made an announcement. + +"There is one more bottle," he said. "Come on, let's buzz it!" + +He opened the champagne in a highly professional manner and filled up +our glasses. Gerald and Donkin declined, but helped themselves to fresh +jorums of cider. + +Then there was a little pause, and we all felt that some one ought to +make a speech or propose a toast. + +"Shall we drink some healths?" proposed Dilly. + +There was a chorus of assent. + +"We will each propose one," I said, "right round the table in turn. +Ladies first! Yours, Kitty? I suppose it will be Philly--eh?" + +Kitty nodded. + +"Ladies and gentlemen," I announced, "you are asked to drink to the +speedy recovery of Miss Phillis Inglethwaite. This toast is proposed by +her mother, and seconded by her father." + +The toast was drunk with all sincerity, but soberly, as befitted. + +"Now, Dilly," I said, when we were ready again. + +Dilly whispered something to her husband, which was received by that +gentleman with a modest and deprecatory cough, coupled with an urgent +request that his wife would chuck it. + +"He won't announce my toast for me," explained Dilly, turning to +us--"he's too shy, poor dear!--so I'll do it myself. Ladies and +gentlemen, the toast is--Dicky!" + +Dicky's health was drunk with cheers and laughter, and Dilly completed +its subject's confusion by kissing him. + +"Now, Dolly!" said every one. + +"Not yet!" said Dolly. "Gerald and Moke are the next pair. Gerald must +act lady, and think of a toast." + +Master Gerald, hastily bolting a solid mass of mince-pie--one could +almost follow the course of its descent--cheerfully complied. + +"All right," he said; "I think I'll drink the health of old Moke +himself. He's not much to look at, but he's a good sort. I shan't kiss +him, though, Dilly. And," he added, "I think he had better drink mine +too. He looks thirsty. Come on, sonny--no heeltaps!" + +He elaborately linked arms with the now comatose Donkin, and each +thereupon absorbed, without drawing breath, about a pint of cider +apiece. After that, with a passing admonition to his friend not to +burst, my brother-in-law returned to his repast. + +So far, the toasts had all been of a most conventional and inevitable +character. Now, automatically but a little tactlessly, we all turned to +see what Dolly and Robin were going to do. From the standpoint of the +last two toasts they were certainly in a rather delicate position. + +"Come on, you two!" commanded Gerald. "Do something! Make a spring!" + +Robin took up his glass of champagne and turned rather inquiringly to +Dolly. + +Without a word she linked her arm in his, and they drank together. + +"Oh, come, I say, that's not fair! Whose health were you drinking, +Robin, old man?" inquired the tactless Dicky. + +"I was drinking to the future Mrs Fordyce--whoever she may be!" said +Robin, obviously apologetic at being unable to think of anything more +sparkling. + +"Whose health were _you_ drinking, Dolly?" yelled Gerald, with much +enjoyment. + +Then Dolly did a startling thing. + +Robin's hand lay resting on the table beside her. Into it she +deliberately slipped, her own; and then gazed--flushed and defiant, but +proud and smiling--round a circle composed entirely of faces belonging +to people suffering from the gapes. + +I glanced at Robin. He looked perfectly dumfounded, but I saw his hand +close automatically round Dolly's fingers, and I saw, too, her pink +nails go white under the pressure. + +But Dolly seemed to feel no pain. On the contrary, she continued to +smile upon us. Then, bowing her head quickly, before any of us realised +what she would be at, she lightly kissed the great hand which imprisoned +her own. Then she looked up again, with glistening eyes. + +"There!" she said. "_Now_ you know!" + +Our breath came back, and the spellbound silence was broken. + +"_Dolly_!" said Kitty. + +"My _dear_!" said Dilly. + +"What--_ho_!" drawled Dicky. + +But it was Gerald who rounded off the situation. He was standing on the +table by this time. + +"Three cheers for Dolly and Robin!" he roared. + +We gave them, with full throats. (Fortunately we were a long way from +Phillis's room.) + +After that we all sat down again, feeling a little awkward, as people do +when they have taken the lid off their private feelings for a moment. +Finally Kitty led off with-- + +"But, Dolly, dear, why didn't you tell us? When was it?" + +"I didn't tell you before," said Dolly composedly, "because it has only +just happened--this moment." + +"Only this moment? But----" + +"Do you mean to say he hasn't _asked_ you? Oh----" + +"Are you asking _him_?" + +The questions came simultaneously from all parts of the table; horribly +inquisitive, some of them; but then the thing had been so frankly and +deliberately done, that we knew Dolly wanted to explain everything to us +there and then. + +"I'll tell you," said Dolly, after silence had been restored by the fact +that Gerald had shouted us all down and then stopped himself. "Robin +told me--well--something, six months ago, the night after Dilly's +wedding, at the dance----" + +"That _was_ why you locked the door, then," I said involuntarily. + +Both Robin and Dolly turned upon me in real amazement. But I saw that +this side-issue would interrupt the story. + +"Never mind!" I said. "Go on! I'll explain afterwards." + +"Well," continued Dolly, "he said to me--may I tell them, Robin?" She +turned to the man beside her with a pretty air of deference. Robin, who +up to this point had sat like a graven image, inclined his head, and +Dolly proceeded-- + +"I have never told anybody about this--except Dilly, of course." + +"I've got the letter still," said Dilly. + +"Robin told me," Dolly went on, "that he wasn't going to ask me to marry +him at present, because he had some childish idea--it is perfectly +_idiotic_ to think of; but--he thought he wasn't quite--well, _good_ +enough for me!" + +"What rot!" said Dicky. + +"Muck!" observed Gerald. + +"But he said that he would ask me properly later on, as soon as he +considered that he was good enough," continued Dolly. "And as he still +seems to think," she concluded with more animation, "that he is not +quite up to standard, it occurred to me to-night, as we were all here in +a jolly little party, to notify him that he is. So I did. That's all. +Robin, you are hurting my hand!" + +Robin relaxed his grip at last, and remorsefully surveyed the bloodless +fingers that lay in his palm. Then, with a rather shamefaced look all +round the table, as much as to say--"I should like fine to restrain +myself from doing this before you all, but I _can't_!"--he bent his head +and kissed them in his turn. + +And that was how Robin and Dolly plighted their troth at last--openly, +without shame, and for all to see. + + * * * * * + +Robin and I lingered at the turning of a passage, lit only by our two +flickering bedroom candles. + +"Well, we can't complain of having had an uneventful day," I said. + +"I'm sorry we didn't scrape other twenty-eight votes," said Robin +characteristically. + +"Never mind!" I said. "I shall be none the worse of a holiday for a year +or two. If you will kindly take Dolly off our hands as quickly as +possible"--he caught his breath at that--"Kitty and I and Phillis will +go a trip round the world together. Then I'll come home and fight a +by-election, perhaps." + +"Meanwhile," said Robin, "you will be having no further need of a +private secretary." + +"I'm afraid not," I said. The fact had been tugging at my conscience for +the last two hours. "And that raises another question. What are you two +going to live on?" + +"Champion wants me," said Robin. "He has offered me the post of +Secretary to that Royal Commission of which he has been appointed +Chairman. It is a fine opening." + +"I should think it was!" I said with whole-hearted joy. "Good luck to +you, Robin!" + +"Thank you!" said Robin. "Still," he added, as he turned to go, "I wish +I could have found you twenty-eight more votes." + +"Between ourselves," I said, "I don't mind very much. I am not the right +man for this constituency. It has outgrown me. I have not the knack of +handling a big crowd. What I want is a fine old crusted unprogressive +seat, where I shan't constantly be compelled to drop my departmental +work and rush down to propitiate my supporters with untruthful +harangues. I'm a square peg here. Now, if they had wanted a really fit +and proper candidate for this Parliamentary Division, Robin, they ought +to have approached _you_." + +"Och!" said Robin carelessly, "they did--a month ago! Good night!" + + + + +CHAPTER EIGHTEEN. + +A PROPHET IN HIS OWN COUNTRY. + + +An old woman in a white mutch stands at the door of a farmhouse in a +Scottish glen. Her face is wrinkled, and her dim eyes are peering down +the track which leads from the steading to the pasture. Being apparently +unable to focus what she wants to see she adjusts a pair of spectacles. + +This action brings into her range of vision a distant figure which is +engaged in shepherding a herd of passive but resisting cows through a +gap in the dyke. It is a slow business, but the procession gradually +nears home; and when the man at the helm succeeds in steering his +sauntering charges safely between the Scylla of a hay-rick and the +Charybdis of the burn, the old lady takes off her spectacles and relaxes +her vigilance. + +When she looks again, though, she breaks into an exclamation of dismay. +The leaders of the straggling procession have safely reached the door of +the byre close by; but one frisky young cow, suddenly swerving through +an open gate, breaks away down a sloping field of turnips at a lumbering +gallop. The herdsman is out of sight round a bend in the road. + +"The feckless body!" observes the old lady bitterly. Then she raises her +voice. + +"Elspeth!" + +A reply comes from within the dairy. + +"Ay, mem?" + +"You'll need tae leave the butter and help Master Robert. He's no hand +with the kye. He's let Heatherbell intill the neeps. And the maister is +away at----" + +With a muffled "Maircy me!" a heated young woman shoots out of a side +door and proceeds at the double to the assistance of the incompetent +cow-herd. + +At length the animals are rounded up into the byre, and Elspeth proceeds +with the milking. + +Meanwhile Master Robert, "the feckless body," stands in a rather +apprehensive attitude before the old lady. He is a huge man of about +forty-five. He is clean-shaven, and he has humorous grey eyes and dark +hair. Despite his homespun attire, he looks more like a leader of men +than a driver of cattle. + +"Robin Fordyce," says the old lady severely, "what garred ye loose +Heatherbell in among the neeps. + +"I'm sorry, mother. But I met Jean M'Taggart in the road, and--we +stopped for a bit crack." + +The old lady surveys her son witheringly over her glasses. + +"Dandering wi' Jean M'Taggart at your time of life! I'll sort Jean +M'Taggart when I see her. It's jist like her tae try and draw a lad from +his duty. And you! A married man these fifteen years! 'Deed, and it's +time yon lady wife of yours cam' here from London, tae pit a hand on +you." + +The big man's penitent face lights up with sudden enthusiasm. + +"She is coming to-morrow!" he roars exultantly. + +"Aye, you may pretend tae be glad! But she shall hear aboot Jean +M'Taggart all the same," replies the old lady. + +This, of course, is a tremendous joke, and the inquisition is suspended +while mother and son chuckle deeply at the idea of Dolly's desperate +jealousy. Suddenly Mrs Fordyce breaks off to ask a question. + +"Did ye mind tae shut the gate of the west field?" + +Robin thinks, and then raises clenched hands to heaven in an agony of +remorse. + +His mother groans in a resigned sort of way. + +"Run!" she says, "or ye'll hae all the sheep oot in the road! Get them +back, and I'll no' tell David on ye!" + +Her son bounds away down the slope, but a further command pursues him. + +"An' come back soon! I'll no' be getting you tae myself over much +after--to-morrow!" + +She sits down again in her chair outside the door in the afternoon sun; +for she is getting infirm now, and cannot stand up for long. With an +indulgent sigh she surveys the flying figure of the Right Honourable Sir +Robert Chalmers Fordyce, Privy Councillor and Secretary of State, as he +frantically endeavours to overtake and head off three staid ewes, who, +having strayed through the open gate, have just decided upon a walking +excursion to London. + +"A good lad!" she murmurs contentedly. "A good lad, and a good son; and +dae'n' weel. But--he's no' just David. It was always David that had the +heid on him." + + * * * * * + +A prophet, we know, has no honour in his own country. Fortunately some +prophets prefer that this should be the case. + + +THE END. + + +PRINTED BY WILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SONS. + + + + +_BY THE SAME AUTHOR._ + + * * * * * + + Crown 8vo, 6s. + + A MAN'S MAN. + + _Fourth Impression._ + Popular Edition, Cloth, 1s. net. + + * * * * * + + Crown 8vo, 6s. + + THE RIGHT STUFF. + + _Sixth Impression._ + Popular Edition, Cloth, 1s. net. + + * * * * * + + Crown 8vo, 6s. + + PIP. + + _Fourth Impression._ + Popular Edition, Cloth, 1s. net. + + * * * * * + + Crown 8vo, 6s. + + A SAFETY MATCH. + + _Third Impression._ + + * * * * * + + WILLIAM BLACKWOOD & SONS, + Edinburgh and London. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Right Stuff, by Ian Hay + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE RIGHT STUFF *** + +***** This file should be named 20904-8.txt or 20904-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/9/0/20904/ + +Produced by LM Bornath + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Right Stuff + Some Episodes in the Career of a North Briton + +Author: Ian Hay + +Release Date: March 25, 2007 [EBook #20904] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE RIGHT STUFF *** + + + + +Produced by LM Bornath + + + + + +</pre> + + +<div> + +<div id="titlepage"> +<h1>"The Right Stuff"</h1> + +<h2>Some Episodes in the +Career of a North Briton</h2> + +<div class="center">BY</div> +<div class="author">IAN HAY</div> + +<div class="center"><span class="sc">Dr Johnson</span>. Oatmeal, sir? The food of horses in England and of +men in Scotland!</div> + +<div class="center"><span class="sc">Boswell</span> (<i>roused at last</i>). And where, sir, will you find +such horses—or such men?</div> + +<div class="center"><i>SHILLING EDITION</i></div> + +<div class="center">William Blackwood & Sons<br /> +Edinburgh and London<br /> +1912</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + + +<div class="center"><i>TO</i><br /> +<i>AN INDULGENT CRITIC</i></div> + +<hr /> + + +<h2>CONTENTS.</h2> +<hr class="tiny" /> + +<table summary="Table of contents."> +<tr><td colspan="3"> </td></tr> +<tr><td colspan="3" class="center">BOOK ONE.</td></tr> +<tr><td colspan="3" class="center">RAW MATERIAL.</td></tr> +<tr><td colspan="3"> </td></tr> +<tr><td>CHAP.</td><td> </td><td class="right">PAGE</td></tr> +<tr><td class="right">I.</td><td><a href="#chapter01">"OATMEAL AND THE SHORTER CATECHISM"</a></td><td class="right">3</td></tr> +<tr><td class="right">II.</td><td><a href="#chapter02">INTRODUCES A PILLAR OF STATE AND THE APPURTENANCES THEREOF</a></td><td class="right">22</td></tr> +<tr><td class="right">III.</td><td><a href="#chapter03">"ANENT"</a></td><td class="right">38</td></tr> +<tr><td class="right">IV.</td><td><a href="#chapter04">A TRIAL TRIP</a></td><td class="right">46</td></tr> +<tr><td class="right">V.</td><td><a href="#chapter05">ROBIN ON DUTY</a></td><td class="right">66</td></tr> +<tr><td class="right">VI.</td><td><a href="#chapter06">ROBIN OFF DUTY</a></td><td class="right">76</td></tr> +<tr><td class="right">VII.</td><td><a href="#chapter07">A DISSOLUTION OF PARTNERSHIP</a></td><td class="right">96</td></tr> +<tr><td class="right">VIII.</td><td><a href="#chapter08">OF A PIT THAT WAS DIGGED, AND WHO FELL INTO IT</a></td><td class="right">117</td></tr> +<tr><td class="right">IX.</td><td><a href="#chapter09">THE POLICY OF THE CLOSED DOOR</a></td><td class="right">147</td></tr> +<tr><td class="right">X.</td><td><a href="#chapter10">ROBIN'S WAY OF DOING IT</a></td><td class="right">161</td></tr> +<tr><td colspan="3"> </td></tr> +<tr><td colspan="3" class="center">BOOK TWO.</td></tr> +<tr><td colspan="3" class="center">THE FINISHED ARTICLE.</td></tr> +<tr><td colspan="3"> </td></tr> +<tr><td class="right">XI.</td><td><a href="#chapter11">A MISFIRE</a></td><td class="right">179</td></tr> +<tr><td class="right">XII.</td><td><a href="#chapter12">THE COMPLEAT ANGLER</a></td><td class="right">216</td></tr> +<tr><td class="right">XIII.</td><td><a href="#chapter13">A HOSTAGE TO FORTUNE</a></td><td class="right">236</td></tr> +<tr><td class="right">XIV.</td><td><a href="#chapter14">"TO DIE—WILL BE AN <i>AWFULLY</i> BIG ADVENTURE"</a></td><td class="right">257</td></tr> +<tr><td class="right">XV.</td><td><a href="#chapter15">TWO BATTLES</a></td><td class="right">271</td></tr> +<tr><td class="right">XVI.</td><td><a href="#chapter16">"<i>QUI PERD, GAGNE</i>"</a></td><td class="right">282</td></tr> +<tr><td class="right">XVII.</td><td><a href="#chapter17">IN WHICH ALL'S RIGHT WITH THE WORLD</a></td><td class="right">299</td></tr> +<tr><td class="right">XVIII.</td><td><a href="#chapter18">A PROPHET IN HIS OWN COUNTRY</a></td><td class="right">310</td></tr> +</table> + +<hr /> + +<h2>BOOK ONE.</h2> + +<h3>RAW MATERIAL.</h3> + +<hr /> + + +<h2><a name="chapter01" id="chapter01">CHAPTER ONE.</a></h2> + +<h3>OATMEAL AND THE SHORTER CATECHISM.</h3> + + +<p>The first and most-serious-but-one ordeal in the life of Robert Chalmers +Fordyce—so Robert Chalmers himself informed me years afterwards—was +the examination for the Bursary which he gained at Edinburgh University. +A bursary is what an English undergraduate would call a "Schol." +(Imagine a Scottish student talking about a "Burse"!)</p> + +<p>Robert Chalmers Fordyce arrived in Edinburgh pretty evenly divided +between helpless stupefaction at the sight of a great city and stern +determination not to be imposed upon by the inhabitants thereof. His +fears were not as deep-seated as those of Tom Pinch on a similar +occasion,—he, it will be remembered, suffered severe qualms from his +familiarity with certain rural traditions concerning the composition of +London pies,—but he was far from happy. He had never slept away from +his native hillside before; he had never seen a town possessing more +than three thousand inhabitants; and he had only once travelled in a +train.</p> + +<p>Moreover, he was proceeding to an inquisition which would decide once +and for all whether he was to go forth and conquer the world with a +university education behind him, or go back to the plough and sup +porridge for the rest of his life. To-morrow he was to have his +opportunity, and the consideration of how that opportunity could best be +gripped and brought to the ground blinded Robin even to the wonders of +the Forth Bridge.</p> + +<p>He sat in the corner of the railway carriage, passing in review the +means of conquest at his disposal. His actual stock of scholarship, he +knew, was well up to the required standard: he was as letter perfect in +Latin, Greek, Mathematics, and Literature as hard study and remorseless +coaching could make him. Everything needful was in his head—but +could he get it out again? That was the question. The roaring world in +which he would find himself, the strange examination-room, the quizzing +professors—would these combine with his native shyness to seal the +lips and cramp the pen of Robert Chalmers Fordyce? No—a thousand +times no! He would win through! Robert set his teeth, braced himself, +and kicked the man opposite.</p> + +<p>He apologised, attributing the discourtesy to the length of his +legs—he stood about six feet three—and smiled so largely and +benignantly, that the Man Opposite, who had intended to be thoroughly +disagreeable, melted at once, and said it was the fault of the Company +for providing such restricted accommodation, and gave Robert <i>The + Scotsman</i> to read.</p> + +<p>Robert thanked him, and, effacing himself behind <i>The + Scotsman</i>,—though, for all the instruction or edification that +his present frame of mind permitted him to extract from that +coping-stone of Scottish journalism, he might as well have been reading +the Koran,—returned to his thoughts. He collated in his mind the +pieces of advice which had been bestowed upon him by his elders and +betters before his departure. In brief, their collective wisdom came to +this:—</p> + +<p>His father had bidden him—</p> + +<ul> +<li>(a) To address all professors with whom he might come in contact as + "Sir";</li> + +<li>(b) To arrive at the Examination each morning at least five minutes + before the advertised time;</li> + +<li>(c) To refrain from lending money to, or otherwise countenancing the + advances of, persons of insinuating address who would doubtless + accost him in the streets of Edinburgh.</li> +</ul> + +<p>The Dominie had said—</p> + +<p>"When in doubt, mind that practically everything in an examination +governs the subjunctive.</p> + +<p>"If there is a <i>viva voce</i>, be sure and speak up and give your +answers as though you were sure of them. They may be wrong, but on the +other hand they may be right. Anyway, the one thing the examiners will +not thole is a body that dithers.</p> + +<p>"Take a last keek at that Proposition—they <i>may</i> call them +Theorems, though—about the Square on the Hypotenuse. It hasn't +been set for four years.</p> + +<p>"If you are given a piece of Greek Testament to translate, for +mercy's sake do not be too glib. Dinna translate a thing until you are +sure it is there. They have an unholy habit of leaving out a couple of +verses some place in the middle, and you're just the one to tumble +head-first into the <i>lacuna</i>. (I ken ye, Robbie!)</p> + +<p>"And whatever ye do, just bear in mind it's your only chance, and +<i>grup</i> on tae it! <i>Post est occasio calva</i>, laddie! And dinna +disappoint an auld man that has taught ye all he kens himsel'!"</p> + +<p>Much of his mother's advice was of a kind that could not be expressed +so concisely, but two salient items remained fixed in Robert's +mind:—</p> + +<p>"If ye canna think o' the richt word, pit up a bit prayer.</p> + +<p>"For ony sake see that your collar is speckless a' the time."</p> + +<p>Robert's first impressions of Edinburgh were disappointing. Though +extensive enough, the city was not so great or so imposing as he had +expected. It was entirely roofed with glass,—a provision which, +though doubtless advantageous in wet weather, militated against an +adequate supply of sunlight and fresh air. The shops, of which Robin had +heard so much, were few in number; and the goods displayed therein +(mainly food and drink, newspapers and tobacco) compared unfavourably in +point of variety with those in the window of Malcolm M'Whiston, the +"merchant" at home. The inhabitants all appeared to be in a desperate +hurry, and the noise of the trains, which blocked every thoroughfare, +was deafening. Robert Chalmers was just beginning to feel thoroughly +disappointed with the Scottish capital, when it occurred to him to mount +a flight of stairs which presented itself to his view and gave promise +of a second storey at least. When he reached the top he found he had +judged Edinburgh too hastily. There was some more of it.</p> + +<p>His horizon thus suddenly enlarged, Robert Chalmers Fordyce began to +take in his surroundings. He now found himself in a great street, with +imposing buildings on one side and a green valley on the other. On the +far side of the valley the ground ran steeply upward to an eminence +crowded thickly with houses and topped by a mighty castle.</p> + +<p>The street was alive with all sorts of absorbingly interesting +traffic; but for the present Robert was chiefly concerned with the Cable +Cars. It was upon one of these majestic vehicles, which moved down the +street unassisted by any apparent human or equine agency, that he had +been bidden to ride to his destination. He was not to take the first +that came along, nor yet the second—they went to various places, +it seemed; and if you were taken to the wrong one you had to pay just +the same—but was to scan them until he espied one marked "Gorgie." +This would carry him down the Dalry Road, and would ultimately pass the +residence of Elspeth M'Kerrow, a decent widow woman, whose late +husband's brother had "married on" a connection of Robert's mother. Here +he was to lodge.</p> + +<p>At first sight the cars appeared to be labelled with nothing but +Cocoa and Whisky and Empire Palaces of Varieties Open Every Evening; but +a little perseverance discovered a narrow strip of valuable information +painted along the side of each car. The first that caught our friend's +eye was "Pilrig and Braid Hills Road." That would not do. Then came +another—"Murrayfield, Haymarket, and Nether Liberton." Another +blank! Then, "Marchmont Road and Churchill." Foiled again, Robert was +beginning to feel a little sceptical as to the actual existence of the +Dalry Road, when a car drew up opposite to him labelled "Pilrig and +Gorgie." It was going in the right direction too, for his father had +warned him that his destination lay to the west of the town; and you can +trust a Scotsman to know the points of the compass with his eyes shut. +(They even talk of a man sitting on the north or south side of his own +fireplace.)</p> + +<p>Robert clambered on to the top of this car, and presently found +himself confronted by a gentleman—splendid in appearance but of +homely speech—who waved bundles of tickets in his face, and +inquired tersely—</p> + +<p>"Penny or tippeny? or transfair?"</p> + +<p>"I am seeking the Dalry Road," said Robert cautiously.</p> + +<p>"Which end o't?"</p> + +<p>"I couldna say."</p> + +<p>"Ca' it a penny," said the conductor.</p> + +<p>Robert, with the air of a man who has beaten down his opponent to the +lowest possible figure, produced the coin from his pocket. (It was just +as well that the man had not demanded a larger sum, for Robert's more +precious currency was concealed in a place only accessible to partial +disrobement.) The gorgeous man carelessly snapped a ticket out of one of +the bundles, and having first punched a hole in it with an ingenious +instrument that gave forth sounds of music, handed it to Robert in +exchange for the penny. He was a saturnine man, but he smiled a little +later when Robert, mindful of the fate of his railway-ticket at the last +station but one, airily attempted to give up his car-ticket in similar +fashion on alighting at the end of the journey.</p> + +<p>The greater part of the next four days was spent by our friend in an +examination-room, into which we, more fortunate, need not attempt to +follow him. Robert diligently answered every question, writing at the +foot of each sheet of his neat manuscript, "More on the next page," in +case the examiner should be a careless fellow and imagine that Robert +had finished when he had not. Robert was not the man to leave anything +to chance, or to such unsafe abbreviations as P.T.O.</p> + +<p>Outside the examination-room he devoted most of the time that he +could spare from preparation for the next paper to a systematic +exploration of Edinburgh. He did the thing as thoroughly as possible, +for he knew well that he might never spend four days in a large town +again.</p> + +<p>He began by climbing the Calton Hill. He remained at the summit quite +a long time, constructing a rough bird's-eye plan of the streets and +buildings below him; and having descended to earth, proceeded on a +series of voyages of discovery.</p> + +<p>He regarded the exterior of Parliament House with intense interest, +for he was a debater by instinct and upbringing. St Giles' he passed by +without enthusiasm—he was a member of the Free Kirk—and St +Mary's Cathedral struck him as being unduly magnificent to be the +property of such a small and pernicious sect as the Episcopalians. The +Post Office and other great buildings struck him dumb; and he hastened +past the theatres with averted eyes, for he had it upon unimpeachable +authority that the devil resided there.</p> + +<p>He knew no one in Edinburgh save Elspeth M'Kerrow. However, he made +another friend—to wit, one Hector MacPherson, a gigantic Highland +policeman, who controlled the traffic with incredible skill at a place +where several ways met. The said Hector stood beneath the shadow of a +great lamp-post, and whenever a vehicle drove past one side of him, +Hector relentlessly called it back and made it go on the other. Their +acquaintance began with the entire effacement of Robert's features by +the palm of Hector's hand, which was suddenly extended across the +thoroughfare for traffic-regulating purposes, with the result that +Robert, who was plunged in thought at the time, ran his nose right into +the centre of it. The ejaculation to which each gave vent at the moment +of impact revealed to both that they were from the same part of the +country, and thereafter Hector MacPherson became Robert's +adviser-in-chief throughout his stay in Edinburgh. Indeed, Robert used +Hector as the starting-point for all his excursions, and whenever he +became hopelessly lost in the wilds of the Grassmarket or the purlieus +of Morningside, he used to ask his way back to his mentor's pitch and +make a fresh start. We shall hear of Hector again.</p> + +<p>The foolhardy feat of entering a shop Robert did not attempt until +his very last day in Edinburgh, and then only because he was absolutely +compelled to do so by the necessity of executing a commission for his +sister Margaret—the purchase of half a yard of ribbon.</p> + +<p>It is true that the same ribbon could have been obtained at home from +Malcolm M'Whiston or a travelling packman, but Margaret was determined +to have it from Edinburgh; and she was particularly emphatic in her +injunctions to Robert to see that the folk in the shop stuck a label on +the parcel, "with their name printed on, and a picture of the shop and +a'."</p> + +<p>On Saturday morning, then, Robert approached the establishment which +he had chosen for the purpose. After a careful reconnaissance he +discovered that it possessed several doors. Here was a poser. Which +would be the ribbon door? Supposing he entered the wrong one and found +himself compelled to purchase a roll of muslin or a wash-hand-stand? +With natural acumen he finally selected a door flanked by windows +containing lace and ribbon; and waiting for a moment when the surging +crowd was thickest, attempted to slip in with them. He got safely past a +hero in a medal-sown uniform, but immediately after this encountered an +imposing gentleman in a frock-coat, who asked his pleasure. Robert +inquired respectfully if the gentleman kept ribbon. The gentleman said +"Surely, surely!" and Robert's modest requirements were thereupon sent +ringing from a throat of brass into the uttermost recesses of the +establishment, and he himself was passed, hot-faced, along the fairway +until he reached the right department. Here his tongue clove to the roof +of his mouth, and the siren behind the counter, with difficulty stifling +her amusement, was reduced to discovering his needs by a process of +elimination.</p> + +<p>"What will I show you?"</p> + +<p>No answer.</p> + +<p>"Ladies' gloves?"</p> + +<p>A shake of the head.</p> + +<p>"Handkerchiefs?"</p> + +<p>Another shake.</p> + +<p>"Stockings?"</p> + +<p>Another shake, accompanied by a deepening of complexion.</p> + +<p>"Well—ribbon?"</p> + +<p>"Aye, that's it," replied Robert, suddenly finding his voice (which, +by the way, rather resembled the Last Trump). "Hauf a yaird—one +inch wide—satin—cream!" he roared mechanically.</p> + +<p>He received the small parcel, and furtively fingering the money in +his pocket, asked the price.</p> + +<p>"Two-three, please," replied the damsel briskly.</p> + +<p>How Robert thanked his stars that he had some cash in hand! But what +a price! All that for a scrap of ribbon! It seemed sinful; but he laid +two shillings and threepence on the counter. Greatly to his alarm, the +young woman behind it, who up to this point had kept her feelings under +commendable control, suddenly collapsed like a punctured balloon on to +the shoulder of her nearest neighbour—there being no shop-walkers +about—and expressed a wish that she might be taken home and +buried. Finally she recovered sufficiently to push Robert's two +shillings back across the counter and to place his threepence in a +mysterious receptacle which she thrust into a hole in the wall, from +which it was ejected with much clatter a minute later; and on being +opened proved to contain what the dazed Robert at first took for a +half-sovereign, but which he ultimately discovered, when he had +abandoned the still giggling maiden and groped his way out into the +street, to be a bright new farthing.</p> + +<p>The same day he returned to his home; but he did not reach it without +one more adventure, a slight one, it is true, but not without its effect +upon his future.</p> + +<p>The train was over-full, and Robert ultimately found himself +travelling in company with nine other passengers, seven of whom were +suffering from that infirmity once poetically described by an expert in +such diagnoses as "a wee bit drappie in their een." The exception was a +gentleman in the far corner, accompanied by a most lovely young lady, +upon whom Robert gazed continuously with an admiration so absorbing and +profound that it took him some little time to realise, shortly after the +commencement of the journey, that the rest of the company were indulging +in a free fight all over the compartment, and that the lady was clinging +in terror to her escort. Robert was of considerable service in restoring +order, and found his reward in the eyes of the lady, who thanked him +very prettily. Her husband had the sense not to offer Robert money, but +gave him his card, and said in a curious, stiff, English way that he +hoped he might be of service to him some day. They got out at Perth, and +Robert travelled on alone.</p> + +<p>Hours later he was met by his brother David at a little wayside +station, and driven over fifteen miles of hilly road to the farm where +he had been born and brought up.</p> + +<p>Next morning he was up at daybreak, and set to work at his usual +tasks about the yard, well knowing that such would be his lot to the end +of his life if the examination list did not show his name at the +top.</p> + +<br /> + +<p>Some days had to elapse before the result could be known; but Robert +Chalmers Fordyce—by the way, I think we know him well enough now +to call him Robin, which was the name his mother had given him on his +third birthday—and his household, being Scottish and +undemonstrative, made little or no reference to the subject.</p> + +<p>Robin was the scholar of his family. He was the second son, David +being four years older. But in accordance with that simple, grand, and +patriarchal law of Scottish peasant life, which decrees that every lad +of parts shall be given his chance to bring credit on the family, even +though his parents have to pinch and save and his brothers bide at the +plough-tail all their lives in consequence—a law whose chief merit +lies in the splendid sacrifices which its faithful fulfilment involves, +and whose vital principle well-meaning but misguided philanthropy is now +endeavouring to dole out of existence—he had been sent to +Edinburgh to make the most of this, his one chance in life.</p> + +<p>Still, though the credit of the family hung upon the result of the +examination,—if he won the Bursary, the money, together with the +precious hoard which his father and mother had been accumulating for him +for ten years, would just suffice to keep him at the +University,—no one discussed the matter. It was in the hands of +God, and prognostication could only be vain and unprofitable. His mother +and sister, indeed, questioned him covertly when his father and brother +were out of hearing; but that was chiefly about Edinburgh, and the +shops, and the splendours of the Dalry Road. The Bursary was never +mentioned.</p> + +<p>On the day on which the result was to be announced their father took +Robin and David away to a distant hillside to assist at the +sheep-dipping. The news would come by letter, which might or might not +get as far as Strathmyrtle Post Office, seven miles away, that very +afternoon. In the morning it would be delivered by the postman.</p> + +<p>But there are limits to human endurance, none the less definite +because that endurance appears illimitable. When father and sons tramped +back to the farm that evening, just in time for supper, it was +discovered that Margaret was absent. John Fordyce, grim old martinet +that he was, looked round the table inquiringly; but a glance at his +wife's face caused him to go on with his meal.</p> + +<p>At nine o'clock precisely the table was cleared. The herdman and two +farm lasses came into the kitchen from their final tasks in the yard, +and the great Bible was put down on the table for evening "worship."</p> + +<p>John Fordyce, having looked up the "portion" which he proposed to +read, then turned to the Metrical Psalms. These were sung night by night +in unswerving rotation throughout the year, a custom which, while it +offered the pleasing prospect of variety, occasionally left something to +be desired on the score of appropriateness.</p> + +<p>All being seated, the old man, after a final fleeting glance at his +daughter's empty chair, gave out the Psalm.</p> + +<p>"Let us worship God," he said, "by singing to His praise in the +Hundred and Twenty-first Psalm. Psalm a Hundred and +Twenty-one—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + <div>'I to the hills will lift mine eyes,</div> + <div>From whence doth come——'"</div> +</div> +</div> + +<p>The door opened, and Margaret entered. She was dusty and tired, for +she had walked fourteen miles since milking-time; but in her hand she +held a letter.</p> + +<p>She glanced timidly at the clock, and was for slipping quietly into +her seat; but her father said—</p> + +<p>"You had best give it to him now. A man cannot worship God while his +mind is distracted with other things."</p> + +<p>Robin took the letter, and after a glance in the direction of his +father and the waiting Bible, opened and read it amidst a tense silence. +Finally he looked up.</p> + +<p>"Well?" said the old man.</p> + +<p>"They have given me the First Bursary, father," said Robin.</p> + +<p>No one spoke, but Robin saw tears running down his mother's face. +John Fordyce deliberately turned back several pages of the Bible.</p> + +<p>"We will sing," he said in a clear voice, "in the Twenty-third +Psalm—the whole of it!—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + <div>'The Lord's my Shepherd, I'll not want——'"</div> +</div> +</div> + +<br /> + +<p>The Psalms of David, as rendered into English verse by Nahum Tate and +others, are not remarkable for poetic merit; neither does the old +Scottish fashion of singing the same, seated and without accompaniment, +conduce to a concord of sweet sounds. But there are no tunes like old +tunes, and there are no hearts like full hearts. If ever a song went +straight up to heaven, the Twenty-third Psalm, borne up on the wings of +"Martyrdom," did so that night.</p> + + +<hr /> + +<h2><a name="chapter02" id="chapter02">CHAPTER TWO.</a></h2> + +<h3>INTRODUCES A PILLAR OF STATE AND THE APPURTENANCES THEREOF.</h3> + + +<p>The time had undoubtedly arrived when I must have a Private +Secretary.</p> + +<p>Kitty, for one, insisted on it. She said that I was ruining my health +in the service of an ungrateful country, and added that she, personally, +declined to be left a widow at twenty-eight-and-a-half to oblige +anybody.</p> + +<p>"It is exactly the wrong age," she said. "If it had happened four or +five years ago, I could have done pretty well for myself. Now, I should +be out of the running among the <i>débutantes</i>, and a little too +young and flighty to suit a middle-aged bachelor."</p> + +<p>I may add that my wife does not often talk in this unfeeling manner. +But she suffers at times from a desire to live up to a sort of honorary +reputation for sprightly humour, conferred upon her by undiscriminating +admirers in the days before she became engaged to me. As a matter of +fact, her solicitude on my behalf was largely due to an ambition to see +a little paragraph in the newspapers, announcing that "Mr Adrian +Inglethwaite, M.P., Director of the Sub-Tropical and Arctic Department +at the Foreign Office, has appointed Mr Blankley Dash to be his Private +Secretary."</p> + +<p>Dolly and Dilly seconded the motion. They had not the effrontery to +wrap up their motives in specious expressions of concern for my health, +but stated their point of view with brutal frankness, as is their wont. +I was an old dear, they conceded, and of course Kitty was Kitty; but a +sister and brother-in-law were, to put it quite plainly, a hopelessly +dull couple to live with: and the visits of Mesdames Dolly and Dilly to +our roof-tree would, it was hinted, be more frequent and enduring if the +establishment was strengthened by the addition of a presentable young +man.</p> + +<p>I consented. It was three to one. To any one acquainted with the trio +of sisters arrayed against me, it will at once be apparent that "these +odds" (as the halfpenny papers say) "but faintly represent the +superiority of the winning side."</p> + +<p>Having thus dragged the reader without apology into the most intimate +regions of my family circle, I had perhaps better introduce myself and +my <i>entourage</i> a little more formally.</p> + +<p>My name is Samuel Adrian Inglethwaite. Why I was called Samuel I do +not know. Possibly my parents did. Samuel may have been a baptismal +sprat set to catch a testamentary whale, but if this was so no legacy +ever came my way. Personally, I am rather attached to the name, as I was +called nothing else until I encountered the lady who ultimately +consented to become Mrs Inglethwaite. Since that epoch in my career I +have been S. Adrian Inglethwaite.</p> + +<p>I am thirty-six years of age, and hold an appointment under +Government, which, while it does not carry with it Cabinet +rank—though Kitty cannot see why—is sufficiently important +to make the daily papers keep my obituary notice handily pigeon-holed, +in case I fall over the Thames Embankment, get run over by a motor-bus, +or otherwise contravene the by-laws of the London County Council.</p> + +<p>As no man can possibly give an unbiassed opinion of his own wife, I +shall not attempt to describe mine at this juncture, except to mention +that she is a woman with no fault that I can for the moment recall, +beyond a predilection for belonging to societies which are better known +for their aims than for their achievements, are perennially short of +funds, and seem to possess no place of meeting except my +drawing-room.</p> + +<p>Dolly and Dilly are Kitty's sisters. They are twins, and there +present age is, I think, nineteen. Though I say it who should not, they +are both astonishingly attractive young persons, and the more I see of +them the more the fact is borne in upon me. Indeed, a casual remark of +mine to that effect, uttered to my wife, by an unfortunate coincidence, +on the very morning upon which one of the numerous Deceased Wife's +Sister's Bills passed its Second Reading in the House, gave rise to a +coldness of demeanour on her part which was only dispelled by an abject +apology and a dinner for two at the Savoy on mine.</p> + +<p>To return to Dolly and Dilly. I never know them apart, and I do not +think Kitty does either. Both are divinely tall and divinely fair; they +are exactly like each other in form, voice, and feature; and they +possess the irritating habit, not uncommon with twins, of endeavouring +to exaggerate their natural resemblance by various puzzling and, I +consider, unsportsmanlike devices. They wear each other's clothes +indiscriminately, and are not above taking turn and turn about with the +affections of unsuspecting young men, of whom they possess a +considerable following. They attract admiration without effort, and, I +honestly believe, without intention. Of the meaning of love they know +nothing,—they are female Peter Pans, and resolutely refuse to grow +up, except outwardly,—and the intrusion of that passion into their +dealings with persons of the male gender is regarded by them at present +as a contingency to be discouraged at all costs. The conditions under +which they admit their admirers to their friendship are commendably +simple and perfectly definite. If a man is adjudged by them to have +attained all the complicated and inexplicable standards by which women +judge the opposite sex, he is admitted into the ranks of the Good Sorts; +and as such, provided that he keeps his head, has an extremely pleasant +time of it. If, however, any obtuse and amorous youth persists in +mistaking what Nanki-Poo once described as "customary expressions of +affability" for an indication that his infatuation is reciprocated, the +Twins act promptly. They have "no use" for such creatures, they once +explained to me; and they proceed to rid themselves of the incubus in a +fashion entirely their own.</p> + +<p>As soon as the pressure of the <i>affaire</i> rises to +danger-point—<i>i.e.</i>, when the youth begins to pay markedly +more attention to one Twin than the other—he is asked, say, to +lunch. Here he is made much of by the object of his affections, who +looks radiant in, let us say, white <i>batiste</i>; while the unemployed +Twin, in (possibly) blue poplin, holds discreetly aloof. After lunch the +Twins, leaving their victim to smoke a cigar, retire swiftly to their +room, where they exchange costumes, and descend again to the +drawing-room. There Dolly, now arrayed in white <i>batiste</i>, enters +upon the path of dalliance where Dilly left off; and Dilly, relieved +from duty, crochets in a window-recess, and silently enjoys her sister's +impersonation.</p> + +<p>One of two things happens. Romeo either does not notice the +difference, or else he does. If he does not, he continues to flounder +heavily along in pursuit of the well-beloved, oblivious of the fact that +he is wasting his efforts on an understudy. After an appropriate +interval the cold truth is revealed to him in a hysterical duet, and he +goes home, glaring defiantly, but feeling an entire and unmitigated +ass.</p> + +<p>Or he may actually recognise that Dilly has been replaced by +Dolly,—this is what happens when the case is a really serious +one,—and if this occurs he is more sorrowful than angry, poor +fellow, for he sees that he is being trifled with; and your true lover +is the most desperately earnest person in the world. In either case the +<i>affaire</i> terminates then and there. And that is how my +sisters-in-law, with adroitness and despatch, return immature and +undesirable suitors to their native element. The whole proceeding +reminds me irresistibly of the Undersized Fish Bill, a measure whose +progress I once assisted in its course through a Committee of the +House.</p> + +<p>However, having been bidden to procure a Private Secretary, I meekly +set about looking for one. One night at dinner we held a symposium on +the subject, and endeavoured to evolve an outline of the kind of +gentleman who was likely to suit us. The following is a <i>précis</i> of +the result. I leave the intelligent reader to trace each item to its +author; also the various parenthetical comments on the same:—</p> + +<ul> +<li>(a) He must be a 'Varsity man.</li> + +<li>(b) He must be able to keep accounts, and + transact business generally.</li> + +<li>(c) He must be content with a salary of two + hundred a-year, with board and residence + in the house. ("He can have + that little room off the library for a + sitting-room, dear, and sleep in the old + night-nursery.")</li> + +<li>(d) He must not wear celluloid collars or + made-up ties. ("But he'll <i>have</i> to, + poor dear, if the Infant Samuel only + gives him two hundred a-year.")</li> + +<li>(e) He must be prepared to run through my + speeches before I deliver them. ("I + suppose that means <i>write</i> them!"), + look up my subject-matter, verify my + references, and so on. ("That <i>will</i> + be an improvement. But what will + the halfpenny papers do then, poor + things?")</li> + +<li>(f) He must be the sort of man that one can + have in to a dinner-party without any + fear of accidents. ("Yes. He <i>must</i> be + all right about peas, asparagus, and + liqueurs. <i>And</i> finger-bowls, dearest. + You remember the man who drank out + of his at that queer political dinner to + the constituents?")</li> + +<li>(g) He must be nice to my Philly.</li> + +<li>(h) He must be dark. ("Pshaw!")</li> + +<li>(i) He must be fair. ("Ugh!")</li> + +<li>(j) He must be able to waltz and play bridge.</li> +</ul> + +<p>At this point I suggested that a prepaid telegram to the Celestial +Regions would alone procure the article we required. However, we +ultimately descended to an advertisement in the <i>Morning Post</i>, and +in due course I obtained a secretary. In fact, I obtained several. We +had them <i>seriatim</i>, and none stayed longer than a month. I do not +propose to write a detailed history of the dynasty which I now found it +my privilege to support. A brief <i>résumé</i> of each will suffice.</p> + +<p><i>Number One</i>.—Cambridge Football Blue. Big and breezy. +Spelling entirely phonetic. Spent most of his time smoking in the +drawing-room, and laboured under the delusion that, as my amanuensis, he +was at liberty to forge my signature to all documents, including +cheques. He used my official note-paper to back horses on, and was +finally requested to leave, after an unseemly brawl with a book-maker's +tout on my doorstep.</p> + +<p><i>Number Two</i>.—Oxford: a First in Greats. A heavy manner, +usually beginning his observations with "Wherewithal" or "Peradventure." +The Twins suffered severely from suppressed giggles in his presence. +Regarded my superficial ideas of statesmanship with profound contempt, +but left after a fortnight, having allowed a highly confidential and +extremely personal pencil note, written in the margin of a despatch by +the Premier himself, to blossom forth in large type in the text of a +Blue Book.</p> + +<p><i>Number Three</i>.—Rather elderly for the post—nearer +forty than thirty—but highly recommended. Reduced my chaotic +papers to order in twenty-four hours, charmed my wife and her sisters, +drafted a speech which won me quite a little ovation in the House, +suggested several notable improvements in the "Importation of Mad Dogs +Bill," with which I was to be entrusted next session—and was found +lying dead drunk in his bedroom, at eleven o'clock in the morning, on +the second Sunday after his arrival. Half a dozen empty brandy bottles +were afterwards discovered on the top of his wardrobe. Poor devil!</p> + +<p><i>Number Four</i>.—(Subsequently handed down to posterity as +"The Limit"). Small, spectacled, and nervous. Came from a Welsh +University, and was strong on "the methodical filing of State and other +documents." He stayed two days. On the first night (after inquiring +whether we were expecting guests that evening, and receiving an answer +in the negative) he came down to dinner in a sort of alpaca +smoking-jacket and a tartan tie. On the second, having evidently decided +to treat us to all the resources of his wardrobe as soon as possible, he +appeared in more or less ordinary evening attire. He wore a small white +satin bow-tie, attached to his collar-stud by a brass clip. The tie fell +off the stud into his soup almost immediately, and its owner, after +furtively chasing it round the plate with his forefinger, finally fished +it out with the aid of a fork; and, having squeezed as much soup as +possible back into the plate, put the bow into his waistcoat pocket and +resumed his meal with every appearance of enjoyment.</p> + +<p>He left next morning. As the Twins pathetically observed: "It had to +be him or us!" I was sorry, for he was a tidy little creature away from +table.</p> + +<p>After that I did a rash thing. I engaged a Private Secretary on the +spur of the moment and without consulting my household.</p> + +<p>One morning I had occasion to visit the British Museum. That +mausoleum of learning is not an habitual resort of mine, but on this +occasion I had found it necessary to refresh my memory on the subject of +a small principality situated somewhere in the Pacific, and reported to +be in a state of considerable unrest, concerning which the member for +Upper Gumbtree, an unpleasantly omniscient young man with a truculent +manner, had been asking questions in the House. It seemed that British +interests in that quarter were not being adequately protected by our +Department, and this extremely pushing gentleman was now gaining much +cheap applause in the columns of those low-priced organs which make a +living by deriding his Majesty's Ministers, by bombarding us with +fatuous inquiries on the subject. My Chief had only the most hazy notion +about the place—as a matter of fact I do not believe that either +he or any of the permanent officials had ever heard of it—and I +was in a precisely similar condition. I was accordingly bidden to get up +the subject, and accumulate a mass of information thereon which would +not only satiate the appetite of the honourable member, but choke him +off for all time.</p> + +<p>Finding myself in want of a particular Gazetteer which was not to be +found in the office, and being in no mood to take a clerk, however +uncritical, into my confidence, I called a hansom and drove straight to +the Museum; where, having ensconced myself in the reading-room with the +work in question, I prepared to devote a dusty and laborious morning to +the service of State.</p> + +<p>Immediately opposite me sat a gigantic young man of a slightly +threadbare appearance, who was copying some screed out of a bulky tome +before him. I regarded him in a reminiscent sort of way for a few +minutes, and presently found that my scrutiny was being returned +fourfold. Next came an enormous hand that was suddenly thrust across the +table towards me, and I remembered him.</p> + +<p>We had met six years ago in a railway train, under circumstances +which made me extremely glad to make his acquaintance at any price. +Kitty and I were on our honeymoon, and happened to be travelling on a +Saturday afternoon from Edinburgh to Perth in a train packed to +suffocation with the supporters of a football team of the baser sort. We +were bound for Inchellan, the Scottish residence of my Chief, who was +sending to meet us at Perth.</p> + +<p>As the first-class carriages were all occupied by gentlemen with +third-class tickets, we travelled third with a company who did not seem +to possess any tickets at all. Just before the train started the door +was thrown open and two inebriated Scots, several degrees further gone +than the rest of the company—which is saying a good +deal—were hurled in. If the assemblage had all been of one way of +thinking we might have reached Perth with nothing worse than bad +headaches, but unfortunately some supporters of the other team were +present, and in the midst of a heated and alcoholic debate on the rights +and wrongs of the last free kick, two rival orators suddenly arose, +clinched, and continued their argument at close grips on the floor. In a +moment the party divided itself into two camps, and the conflict became +general. As there were ten people in the compartment, of whom seven were +engaged in a life-and-death struggle, the movements of the +non-combatants—Kitty, myself, and a gigantic youth of gawky +appearance—were, to put it mildly, somewhat restricted. Kitty +became thoroughly frightened, and hampered my preparations for battle by +clinging to my arm. The gigantic youth, seeing this, suddenly took +command of the situation.</p> + +<p>"Watch you the young leddy!" he bellowed in my ear, "and I'll sort +them."</p> + +<p>With that he hurled himself into the tumult. The exact details of his +performance I could not see, the scientific dusting of railway cushions +not having penetrated any further north of the Forth than it has south +of the Thames; but the net result was that each combatant was pulled +off, picked up, shaken until his teeth rattled, and banged down on to +his seat with a brief admonition to mind his manners, until seven +bewildered, partially sobered, and thoroughly demoralised patrons of +sport sat round about in various attitudes of limp dejection, leaning +against one another like dissipated marionettes; while our rustic +Hector, bestriding the compartment like a Colossus, dared them to move a +finger under penalty of being "skelped."</p> + +<p>He bundled them all out at the next stopping-place, without inquiring +whether they desired to alight there or no, and I am bound to say that +they all seemed as anxious to leave the carriage as he was to expel +them. He then shut the door, pulled up the window, and turned to my wife +with a reassuring smile.</p> + +<p>"Yon was just a storrm in a teapot," he remarked affably.</p> + +<p>He accepted my thanks with indifference, but blushed in a gratified +manner when Kitty addressed him. He was her bond-slave by the time that +we bade him farewell at Perth. I presented him with my card, which he +carefully placed inside the lining of his hat; but he forbore, either +from native caution or excessive shyness, to furnish us with any +information as to his own identity.</p> + +<p>Well, here he was, sitting opposite to me in the Reading Room of the +British Museum, and seemingly none too prosperous. Six years ago he had +looked like a young and healthy farm lad. Now, fourth-rate journalism +was stamped all over him.</p> + +<hr /> + + +<h2><a name="chapter03" id="chapter03">CHAPTER THREE.</a></h2> + +<h3>"ANENT."</h3> + + +<p>We conversed awhile in whispers to avoid disturbing the other +worshippers—I always feel like that in the British +Museum—and finally abandoned our respective tasks and issued forth +together. With a little persuasion I prevailed upon my companion to come +and lunch with me, and we repaired to a rather old-fashioned and +thoroughly British establishment close by, where the fare is solid and +the "portions" generous.</p> + +<p>My guest, after a brief effort at self-repression, fell upon the food +in a fashion that told me a far more vivid tale of his present +circumstances than the most lengthy explanation could have done. When he +was full I gave him a cigar, and he leaned back in his padded arm-chair +and surveyed me with the nearest approach to emotion that I have ever +observed in the countenance of a Scot.</p> + +<p>"I was wanting that," he remarked frankly, and he smiled largely upon +me. He was looking less gaunt now, and the rugged lines of his face were +tinged with a more healthy colour. He was a handsome youth, I noticed, +with shrewd grey eyes and a chin that stood out like the ram of a +battle-ship.</p> + +<p>He told me all about himself, some of which has been set down here +already. He had done well at Edinburgh University, and, having obtained +his Arts degree, was on the point of settling down to study for the +ministry—the be-all and end-all of the hope of a humble Scottish +household—when disaster came tumbling upon his family. His brother +David fell sick in his lungs, and the doctor prescribed a sojourn in a +drier climate for at least a year.</p> + +<p>The next part of the narrative was rather elliptical; but from the +fact that money was immediately forthcoming to send David abroad, and +that Robin had simultaneously given up his work in Edinburgh and +returned home to help his father about the farm, I gathered that a +life's ambition had been voluntarily sacrificed on the altar of family +duty. Anyhow, when David returned, marvellously and mercifully restored +to health, setting his younger brother free once more, two precious +years had flown; so that Robin now found himself, at the age of +twenty-three, faced with the alternative of making a fresh start in life +or remaining on the farm at home, that most pathetic and forlorn of +failures, a "stickit minister." The family exchequer had been depleted +by David's illness, and Robin, rather than draw any further on the +vanishing little store of pound-notes in the cupboard behind the kitchen +chimney, determined to go to London and turn his education to some +account.</p> + +<p>He had arrived three years ago, with a barrel of salt herrings and a +bag of meal; and from that time he had earned his own living—if it +could be called a living.</p> + +<p>"Once or twice," he said, "I have had an article taken by one of the +big reviews; sometimes I get some odd reporting to do; and whiles I just +have to write chatty paragraphs about celebrities for the snippety +papers."</p> + +<p>"Uphill work that, I should think."</p> + +<p>"Uphill? Downhill! Man, it's degrading. Do you know what I was doing +in that Museum this morning?"</p> + +<p>"What?"</p> + +<p>"Have you heard tell of a man they call Dean Ramsay?"</p> + +<p>"Let me see—yes. He was a sort of Scottish Sidney Smith, wasn't +he?"</p> + +<p>"That is the man. Well, he collected most of the good stories in +Scotland and put them in a book. I was copying a few of them out; and I +shall father them on to folk that the public wants to hear about. I get +a guinea a column for that."</p> + +<p>"I know the sort of thing," I said. "<i>'A good story is at present + going the round of the clubs, concerning——'</i>"</p> + +<p>"Not 'concerning'—'anent'!"</p> + +<p>"I beg your pardon—'anent a certain well-known but +absent-minded Peer of the Realm.'"</p> + +<p>"That's the stuff. You have the trick of it. Then sometimes I do bits +of general information—computations as to the height of a column +of the picture postcards sold in London in a year, and all that. Nobody +can check figures of that kind, so the work is easy—and +correspondingly ill-paid!" (I cannot reproduce the number of +contemptuous <i>r</i>'s that Robin threw into the adverb.)</p> + +<p>"It's a fine useful place the Museum," he continued reflectively. +"You were busy there this morning yourself. You would be collecting +<i>data</i> anent—I mean <i>about</i>—the Island of +Caerulea."</p> + +<p>I sat up in surprise at this.</p> + +<p>"How on earth——?" I began.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I just jal—guessed it. You being the only member of his +Majesty's Government in whom I have any personal interest, I have always +followed your career closely. (You gave me your card, you'll mind.) +Well, I saw you were having trouble with yon havering body +Wuddiford—I once reported at one of his meetings: he's just a +sweetie-wife in <i>pince-nez</i>—and when I saw you busy with an +atlas and gazetteer I said to myself:—'He'll be getting up a few +salient facts about the place, in order to appease the honourable +member's insatiable thirst for knowledge—Toots, there I go again! +Man, the journalese fairly soaks into the system. I doubt now if I could +write out twenty lines of 'Paradise Lost' without cross-heading +them!"</p> + +<p>We finished our cigar over talk like this, and finally rose to go. +Robin lingered upon the steps of the restaurant. I realised that he, +being a Scotsman, was endeavouring to pump up the emotional gratitude +which he felt sure that I, as an Englishman, would expect from a +starving pauper who had lunched at my expense.</p> + +<p>"I must thank you," he said at last, rather awkwardly, "for a most +pleasant luncheon. And I should like fine," he added suddenly and +impetuously, "to make out a <i>précis</i> for you on the subject of +Caerulea. Never heed it yourself! Away home, and I'll send it to you +to-morrow!"</p> + +<p>An idea which had been maturing in my slow-moving brain for some time +suddenly took a definite shape.</p> + +<p>"It is extremely kind of you," I said. "I shall be delighted to leave +the matter in your hands. But when you have made the <i>précis</i>, I +wonder if you would be so good as to bring it to my house instead of +sending it?"</p> + +<p>I gave him my address, and we parted.</p> + +<p>Robert Chalmers Fordyce arrived at my house next morning. He brought +with him a budget of condensed but exhaustive information on the subject +of Caerulea, the assimilation and ultimate discharge of which enabled me +to score a signal victory over Mr Wuddiford of Upper Gumbtree, +relegating that champion exploiter of mare's nests to a sphere of +comparative inoffensiveness for quite a considerable time.</p> + +<p>After reading the <i>précis</i>, I offered Robin the position of my +Private Secretary, which he accepted politely but without servility or +effusiveness. I handed him a quarter's salary in advance, gave him two +days' holiday wherein to "make his arrangements"—<i>Anglicč</i>, +to replenish his wardrobe—and we sealed the bargain with a glass +of sherry and a biscuit apiece.</p> + +<p>As he rose to go, Robin took from his pocket a folded manuscript.</p> + +<p>"I see you have a good fire there," he said.</p> + +<p>He stepped across to the hearth-rug and pitched the document into the +heart of the flames, which began to lick it caressingly.</p> + +<p>Presently the heat caused the crackling paper to unfold itself, and +some of the writing became visible. Robert pointed, and I +read—</p> + +<p><i>"Pars about Personalities. A capital story is at present going the + round of the clubs, anent——"</i></p> + +<p>Here the flimsy manuscript burst into flame, and shot with a roar up +the chimney.</p> + +<p>I looked at Robert Chalmers Fordyce, and his face was the face of a +man who has gone through deep waters, but feels the good solid rock +beneath his feet at last.</p> + +<p>He turned dumbly to me, and held out his hand.</p> + +<p>The worst of these inarticulate and undemonstrative people is that +they hurt you so.</p> + +<hr /> + + +<h2><a name="chapter04" id="chapter04">CHAPTER FOUR.</a></h2> + +<h3>A TRIAL TRIP.</h3> + + +<p>Three days later I introduced Robert Chalmers Fordyce into the bosom +of my family. I had declined to give them any previous information about +him, beyond a brief warning that they would find him "rather +Scotch."</p> + +<p>I have always found it utterly impossible to foretell from a man's +behaviour towards his own sex how he will comport himself in the +presence of females. I have known a raw youth, hitherto regarded as the +hobbledehoy of the shooting-party and the pariah of the smoking-room, +lord it among the ladies like a very lion; and I have seen the hero of a +hundred fights, the master of men, the essence of intrepid resolution, +stand quaking outside a drawing-room door. The <i>début</i> of Robin, +then, I awaited with considerable interest. I expected on the whole to +see him tongue-tied, especially before Dolly and Dilly. On the other +hand he might be aggressively assertive.</p> + +<p>He was neither. He proved to be that rarest of types—the man +who has no fear of his fellow-creatures, male or female, singly or in +battalions. Our sex is so accustomed to squaring its shoulders, pulling +down its waistcoat, and assuming an engaging expression as a preliminary +to an encounter with the fair, that the spectacle of a man who enters a +strange drawing-room and shakes hands quietly and naturally all round, +without twisting his features into an agreeable smile and mumbling +entirely inarticulate words of rapture, always arouses in me feelings of +envy and respect.</p> + +<p>We found Kitty and the Twins picturesquely grouped upon the +drawing-room hearth-rug, waiting for the luncheon gong.</p> + +<p>I introduced Robin to my wife, in the indistinct and throaty tones +which always obtrude themselves into an Englishman's utterance when he +is called upon to say something formal but graceful. Kitty greeted the +guest with a smile with which I am well acquainted (and which I can +guarantee from personal experience to be absolutely irresistible on +one's first experience of it), and welcomed him to the house very +prettily.</p> + +<p>"You are very kind, Mrs Inglethwaite," said Robin, shaking hands. +"But I am not quite a stranger to you. Do you mind my face?"</p> + +<p>Kitty turned scarlet.</p> + +<p>"Mind your——? Not in the—I mean—I am sure we +are de——" She floundered hopelessly.</p> + +<p>Robin laughed pleasantly.</p> + +<p>"There is my Scots tongue running away with me already," he said. "I +should have asked rather if you <i>remembered</i> my face."</p> + +<p>This time Kitty ceased to look confused, but still retained a puzzled +frown.</p> + +<p>"No," she said slowly; "I don't <i>think</i>——"</p> + +<p>"No wonder!" said Robin. "We met once, in a railway carriage, six +years ago. Between Edinburgh and Perth—on a Saturday afternoon," +he added expressively.</p> + +<p>Light broke in upon Kitty. "Of course!" she said. "Now I remember. +That dreadful journey! You were the gentleman who was so kind and +helpful. How nice and romantic meeting again! Adrian, you silly old +creature, why didn't you tell me? Now, Mr Fordyce, let me introduce you +to my sisters."</p> + +<p>She wheeled him round and presented him to the Twins.</p> + +<p>That pair of beauties, I saw at a glance, were out after scalps. They +stood up side by side on the hearth-rug, absolutely and weirdly alike, +and arrayed on this occasion in garments of identical hue and cut. This +was a favourite device of theirs when about to meet a new young man; it +usually startled him considerably. If he was not a person of sound nerve +and abstemious habits, it not infrequently evoked from him some +enjoyably regrettable expression of surprise and alarm. I knew all the +tricks in their <i>répertoire</i>, and waited interestedly to see the +effect of this series.</p> + +<p>On being presented, both smiled shyly and modestly, and each +simultaneously proffered a timid hand. The average young man, already a +little rattled by the duplicate vision of loveliness before him, could +never make up his mind which hand to shake first; and by the time he had +collected his faculties sufficiently to make an uncertain grab at one, +both would be swiftly and simultaneously withdrawn.</p> + +<p>Robin, however, immediately shook hands with Dilly, who stood nearest +to Kitty, and then with Dolly. After that he stepped back a pace and +surveyed the pair with unconcealed interest.</p> + +<p>Then he turned to my wife.</p> + +<p>"A truly remarkable resemblance!" he observed benignantly. ("Just as +if we had been two babies in a bassinette!" as Dolly afterwards +remarked.)</p> + +<p>Then he resumed his inspection. The Twins, who were entirely unused +to this sort of thing, were too taken aback to proceed to their second +move—the utterance of some trivial and artless remark, delivered +by both simultaneously, and thereby calculated to throw the victim into +a state of uncertainty as to which he should answer first. Instead, they +stood wide-eyed and tongue-tied before him.</p> + +<p>"I must certainly discover some point of difference between these +ladies," continued Robin with an air of determination, "or I shall +always be in difficulties. Do not tell me the secret, Mrs Inglethwaite. +Perhaps I can find out for myself."</p> + +<p>He concluded a minute inspection of the indignant Dilly, and turned +his unruffled gaze on Dolly.</p> + +<p>"Yes," he said, "I have it! You" (triumphantly to Dolly) "have a tiny +brown spot in the blue of your left eye, while your sister has +none."</p> + +<p>It was quite true: she had. But it was a fact which most young men +only discovered after many furtive and sidelong glances. This +imperturbable creature had taken it all in in one resolute scrutiny; and +Dolly, blushing like Aurora—an infirmity to which I may say +neither she nor her sister are particularly subject—dropped her +long lashes over the orbs in question and looked uncommonly foolish.</p> + +<p>The tension of the situation was relieved by the announcement of +luncheon, and Robin was called upon to accompany Kitty downstairs; while +I, putting a consoling arm round the waist of each of my fermenting +sisters-in-law, marched them down to further experiences in the +dining-room.</p> + +<p>The Twins rapidly recovered their equanimity at lunch. They sat, as +they always did, together on one side of the table, opposite to Robin. +The latter conversed easily and pleasantly, though his discourse was +dotted with homely phrases and curious little biblical turns of +speech.</p> + +<p>"Have you been in London long, Mr Fordyce?" inquired Kitty as we +settled down.</p> + +<p>"Three years," said Robin.</p> + +<p>"I suppose you have lots of friends by this time."</p> + +<p>"I have a good many acquaintances, but my friends in London are just +three, all told," said Robin, in what Dilly afterwards described as "a +disgustingly pawky manner."</p> + +<p>"You must be very exclusive, Mr Fordyce," chirrupped Dolly.</p> + +<p>"Far from it," said Robin; "as you will admit when I say that my +three friends are a policeman, a surgeon, and a minister."</p> + +<p>"How quaint of you!" said Dilly.</p> + +<p>But Robin did not seem to think it quaint. He told us about the +policeman first—a Highlander. Robin had made his acquaintance in +Edinburgh, apparently about the same time that he made ours, and had +renewed it some years later outside the House of Commons, when a +rapturous mutual recognition had taken place. The policeman's name was +Hector MacPherson.</p> + +<p>"And the surgeon?" inquired Kitty, with a certain friendly assumption +of interest which announces (to me) that she is getting a little +bored.</p> + +<p>"He is just my uncle. I go and see him, whi—now and then. He is +a busy man."</p> + +<p>"And the—er—minister?"</p> + +<p>"He is Dr Strang. He has the Presbyterian Church in Howard Street. I +have sat under him every Sabbath since I came to London."</p> + +<p>"Wh—what for?" asked Kitty involuntarily, and in a rather +awestruck voice. Her acquaintance with the ritual of the Church of +Scotland was hazy, and she was evidently determined to-day to be +surprised at nothing; but evidently this mysterious reference could not +be allowed to pass without some explanation. The Twins convulsively +gripped each other's hands under the table. (They are of course +perfectly bred girls—indeed, their self-possession at trying +moments has often surprised me—but, like all the young of the +human species, there are times when their feelings become too much for +them. Then, if the occasion is too formal for unrestrained shrieks, they +silently interdigitate.)</p> + +<p>"That is a Scottish expression," said Robin, smiling upon us. "You +must pardon me, Mrs Inglethwaite. I should perhaps have said that I was +an adherent of Dr Strang's church—or rather," he added with a +curious little touch of pride, "I am a communicant now. I was just an +adherent at first."</p> + +<p>We assented to this, politely but dizzily.</p> + +<p>Scratch a Scot and you will find a theologian. Robin was fairly +started now; and he proceeded to enlarge upon various points of interest +in the parallel histories (given in full) of some three or four Scottish +denominations, interwoven with extracts from his own family archives. +His grand-uncle, it appeared, had been a minister himself, and had +performed the feat—to which I have occasionally heard other +perfervid Scots refer, and never without a kindling eye—known as +"coming out in the Forty-three."</p> + +<p>"That," added Robin in parenthesis, "is why my second name is +Chalmers—after the great Doctor. You will have heard of him?"</p> + +<p>(Polite but insincere chorus of pleased recognition.)</p> + +<p>We were then treated to a brief <i>résumé</i> of the events leading +up to a religious controversy of colossal dimensions which was at that +moment threatening to engulf Scotland. Robin was deeply interested in +the matter, and gave us his reasons for being so. He passed some +scathing comments on the contumacy and narrow-mindedness of the sect who +had the misfortune to be his opponents; and after that he proceeded to +say a few words about Free Will and Predestination.</p> + +<p>By this time lunch was over, but we sat on. I nodded gravely over my +coffee, saying "Quite so" when occasion seemed to demand it. Kitty was +completely out of her depth, but still maintained a brave appearance of +interest. It was the Twins who brought the <i>séance</i> to a close. +Placing their hands before their mouths, they with difficulty stifled a +pair of cavernous yawns.</p> + +<p>Next moment they were sorry. Robin stopped dead, flushed up, and +said—</p> + +<p>"Mrs Inglethwaite, I am sorry. I have been most inconsiderate and +rude. I have wearied you all. The truth is," he continued quite simply, +"it is so long since I sat at meat with friends, that I have lost the +art of conversation. I just run on, like—like a leading article. I +have not conversed with a woman, except once or twice across a counter, +for nearly three years."</p> + +<p>There was a rather tense pause. Then Dolly said—</p> + +<p>"We're awfully sorry, Mr Fordyce. It was very rude of us. We quite +understand now, don't we, Dilly?"</p> + +<p>"Rather," said Dilly. "It was horrible of us, Mr Fordyce. But we +thought you were just an ordinary bore."</p> + +<p>"Children!" said Kitty.</p> + +<p>"But what you have told us makes things quite different, doesn't it, +Dolly?" continued Dilly.</p> + +<p>"Quite—absolutely," said Dolly.</p> + +<p>And they smiled upon him, quite maternally. And so the incident +passed.</p> + +<p>"How queer, not talking to a woman for three years!" continued Dolly +reflectively.</p> + +<p>"How <i>awful</i> it would be not to talk to a man for three years!" +said Dilly, with obvious sincerity.</p> + +<p>"There is little opportunity for social intercourse," said Robin, "to +a man who comes to London to sink or swim."</p> + +<p>The conversation was again taking a slightly sombre turn, and I +struck in—</p> + +<p>"Well, I hope, Mr Fordyce, that a few weeks' experience of my +establishment won't have the effect of making you regret your previous +celibate existence."</p> + +<p>Dolly and Dilly looked at each other.</p> + +<p>"Dolly," said Dilly, "is that an insult?"</p> + +<p>"I think so."</p> + +<p>"Insulting enough to be punishable?"</p> + +<p>"Rather."</p> + +<p>"All right. Come on!"</p> + +<p>They fell upon me, and the next few minutes were devoted to what I +believe is known in pantomime circles as a Grand Rally, which +necessitated my going upstairs afterwards and changing my collar.</p> + +<p>Robin was not present at tea, and my household took advantage of his +absence to run over his points.</p> + +<p>Considering that a woman—especially a young woman—judges +a man almost entirely by his manner and appearance, and dislikes him +exceedingly if he proceeds to dominate the situation to her +exclusion—unless, by the way, he has her permission and authority +so to do, in which case he cannot do so too much—the verdict +delivered upon my absent secretary was not by any means unfavourable, +though, of course, there was much to criticise.</p> + +<p>"He'll do," said Dilly; "but you must get his hair cut, Adrian."</p> + +<p>"And tell him about not wearing that sort of tie, dear," said +Dolly.</p> + +<p>"I suppose he can't help his accent," sighs Kitty.</p> + +<p>But their criticisms were limited to such trifles as these, and I +felt that Robin had done me credit.</p> + +<p>Dilly summed up the situation.</p> + +<p>"I think on the whole that he is rather a pet," she said.</p> + +<p>A more thoroughly unsuitable description could not have been +imagined, but Dolly agreed.</p> + +<p>"He has nice eyes, too," she added.</p> + +<p>"He was perfectly sweet with Phillis after lunch," said Kitty. "Took +her on his knee at once, and talked to her just as if we weren't there. +That's a good test of a man, if you like!"</p> + +<p>"True for you," I agreed. "I could not do it with other people's +children to save my life."</p> + +<p>"Oh, you are hopeless," said Dilly. "<i>Far</i> too self-conscious +and dignified to climb down to the level of children, isn't he, Dolly?" +She crinkled her nose.</p> + +<p>Dolly for once was not listening.</p> + +<p>"What was that weird stuff the Secretary Bird spouted when you showed +Phillis to him, Kit? About her being forward, or coy, or something. It +sounded rather cheek, to me."</p> + +<p>"Yes, I remember," said Dilly. "Can you do the way he said it? +'Sometimes forrrwarrrd, sometimes coy, she neverrr fails to pullllease!' +Like that! Gracious, how it hurts to talk Scotch!"</p> + +<p>"I don't know, dear," said my wife thoughtfully. "It sounded rather +quaint. But I daresay all Scotch people are like that," she added +charitably.</p> + +<p>"Perhaps it was a quotation," I observed mildly.</p> + +<p>"Of course, that would be it. What is it out of?"</p> + +<p>"A song called 'Phillis is my only Joy,' I think."</p> + +<p>"Ah, then you may depend upon it," said Kitty, with the air of one +solving a mystery, "that is what the man was doing—<i>quoting</i>! +Burns, probably, or Scott, perhaps. How clever of him to think of it! +And do you know," she continued, "he said such a nice thing to me. While +you were bear-fighting with the Twins after lunch, Adrian, I said to +him: 'Pity me, Mr Fordyce! My husband never ceases to express to me his +regret that he did not marry one of my sisters.' And he answered at +once, quite seriously, without stopping to think it out or +anything:—'I am sure, Mrs Inglethwaite, that his regret must be +shared by countless old admirers of yours!' Wasn't it rather sweet of +him?"</p> + +<p>Further conversation was prevented by the opening of the drawing-room +door, where the butler appeared and announced "Mr Dubberley."</p> + +<p>Dubberley is a pillar of our party. I can best describe him by saying +that although I hold office under a Conservative Government, ten +minutes' conversation with Dubberley leaves me a confirmed Radical, and +anything like a protracted interview with him converts me into a +Socialist for the next twenty-four hours. A week-end in his society, and +I should probably buy a red shirt and send out for bombs. He is a good +fellow at bottom, and of immense service to the party; but he is the +most blatant ass I have ever met. There are Dubberleys on both sides of +the House, however, which is a comfort.</p> + +<p>Robin joined us almost directly after Dubberley's entrance, just in +time to hear that great man conclude the preamble of his discourse for +the afternoon.</p> + +<p>There had been a good deal of talk in the papers of late about +improving the means of transport throughout the country; and the +nationalisation of railways and other semi-socialistic schemes had +filled the air. Dubberley, it appeared, had out of his own gigantic +intellect evolved a panacea for congestion of traffic, highness of +rates, and railway mortality.</p> + +<p>He was well launched in his subject when Robin entered and was +introduced.</p> + +<p>"As I was saying," he continued, waving an emphatic teaspoon in the +direction of the sofa where the ladies sat, smiling but limp,—even +the Twins knew it was useless to stem this tide,—"as I was saying, +the solution of the problem lies in the revival of our far-reaching but +sadly neglected system of <i>canals</i>. Yes! If we go to the very root +of the matter"—Dubberley is one of those fortunate persons who +never has to dig far in his researches—"we find that our whole +hope of regeneration lies in the single, simple, homely +word—Canals! Revive your canals, send your goods by canal, travel +yourself by——"</p> + +<p>"How long, Mr Dubberley," interpolated Robin, leaning +forward—"how long do you consider one would take to travel, say, a +hundred miles by canal?"</p> + +<p>"Under our present antiquated system, sir,"—Dubberley rather +prides himself on preserving the courtly fashions of address of a bygone +age,—"an impossibly long time. The average speed of a canal-boat +at the present day under the ministrations of that overburdened and +inadequate quadruped, the—er—horse, is three miles per hour. +Indeed—one moment!"</p> + +<p>Dubberley fished a sheaf of documents out of his pocket—he is +the sort of man who habitually secrets statistics and blue-books about +his person—and after stertorously perusing them closed his eyes +for a moment, as if to work out a sum upon an internal blackboard, and +said—</p> + +<p>"I see no reason why swift canal-boats should not be constructed to +run fifteen, twenty, or even twenty-five miles per hour. Indeed, in +these days of turbines——"</p> + +<p>Robin put down his cup rather emphatically, and said—</p> + +<p>"Mphm."</p> + +<p>(It is quite impossible to reproduce this extraordinary Caledonian +expletive in writing, but that is as near to it as I can get.) Then he +continued urbanely—</p> + +<p>"Then you would organise a service of fast turbine steamers running +all over the canal systems of the country?"</p> + +<p>"Exactly. Or let us say—er—launches," said Dubberley. "I +must not overstate my case."</p> + +<p>"Travelling twenty miles an hour?"</p> + +<p>"Say fifteen, sir," said Dubberley magnanimously.</p> + +<p>"Mr Dubberley," said Robin, in a voice which made us all jump, "have +you a bathroom in your house?"</p> + +<p>Even the Twins, who were growing a trifle lethargic under the +technicalities of the subject, roused themselves at this fresh turn of +the conversation.</p> + +<p>"Ah—eh—I beg your pardon?" said Dubberley, a trifle +disconcerted.</p> + +<p>"A bathroom," repeated Robin—"with a good long bath in it?"</p> + +<p>"Er—yes."</p> + +<p>"Well, Mr Dubberley, when you go home this afternoon, go upstairs and +fill the bath with water. Then take a large bath-sponge—something +nearly as broad as the bath—and sweep it along from end to end, +about a foot below the surface, at a speed of fifteen miles per +hour—that will be twenty-two feet per second—and see what +happens!"</p> + +<p>Robin had unconsciously dropped into what I may call his +debating-society manner. His chin stuck out, and his large chest heaved, +and he scooped the air, as if it had been the water of Dubberley's bath, +with one of Kitty's priceless Worcester teacups.</p> + +<p>Dubberley sat completely demoralised, palpitating like a stranded +frog.</p> + +<p>"Then," continued Robin, "you would observe the result of placing a +partly submerged and rapidly moving body in a shallow and restricted +waterway. You would kick half the water right out of the canal to begin +with, and the other half would pile itself up into a wave under your bow +big enough to offer an almost immovable resistance to the progress of +your vessel."</p> + +<p>He leaned back and surveyed the bemused Dubberley with complete and +obvious satisfaction. We all sat round breathless, feeling much as +Sidney Smith must have felt when some one spoke disrespectfully of the +Equator. Great was the fall of Dubberley. He moved, perhaps +instinctively, in a society where he was seldom contradicted and never +argued with. One does not argue with a gramophone. And here this raw +Scottish youth, with the awful thoroughness and relentless common-sense +of his race, had taken the very words out of his mouth, torn them to +shreds, and thrust them down his throat.</p> + +<p>I am afraid I chuckled. The Twins sat hand in hand, with dreamy eyes +staring straight before them. They were conjuring up a joyous vision of +Dubberley, in his shirt-sleeves, meekly refuting one of his own theories +by means of a childish and sloppy experiment in practical hydrodynamics +in his own bathroom.</p> + +<p>I give this incident as a fair example of Robin's point of view and +methods of action on questions which I for one would never dream of +debating. He was entirely lacking in an art which I am told I possess to +perfection—that of suffering fools gladly. Its possession has +raised me to an Under-Secretaryship. People who should know tell me that +it will also prevent my ever rising to anything higher.</p> + +<p>"We had a taste of our friend's quality this afternoon," I remarked +to my household when we met for dinner that evening. "He is a +thorough-going warrior. Fancy any man taking all that trouble to lay out +old Dubberley!"</p> + +<p>"Poor Mr Dubberley!" said tender-hearted Kitty.</p> + +<p>"Do him good!" said Dilly, in whose recollection Dubberley's past +enormities loomed large. "I shall be nice to the Secretary Bird +now."</p> + +<p>Dolly said nothing, which was unusual. Perhaps the brown spot still +rankled.</p> + + +<hr /> + +<h2><a name="chapter05" id="chapter05">CHAPTER FIVE.</a></h2> + +<h3>ROBIN ON DUTY.</h3> + + +<p>Beyond the fact that they are all desperately in earnest, all know +each other, and occupy all the most responsible and lucrative posts on +the face of the earth, Scotsmen are a class with whose characteristics I +am not well acquainted. But I learned a great deal from my new +secretary.</p> + +<p>Robin soon settled down to work. He not only performed his duties +with zeal and discretion, but he kept me up to mine. He hounded me +through the routine work of my Department; he verified my references; he +managed my correspondence; and he frequently drafted my speeches. He +even prepared some of my impromptus. Indeed, my—or rather +his—description of a certain member of the other side, a lesser +light of the last Government, a worthy man, always put up to explain +matters when his leader had decided that honesty on this occasion was +the best policy, as "a political niblick, always employed to get his +party out of bad lies," won me more applause and popularity in a House +of enthusiastic golfers than endless weeks of honest toil behind the +scenes had ever done.</p> + +<p>But I learned more from Robin than that. I suppose I am a typical +specimen of Conservative officialdom. Until Robin came into my house it +had never occurred to me to ask myself why I was a Conservative: I had +been born one, and it was difficult for me to understand how any man of +ordinary intelligence could be anything else.</p> + +<p>My father and grandfather were Conservative members before me, and I +come of a line which has always feared God, honoured the King, paid its +tithes, and tried to do something for the poor; and which regards +Radicals, Socialists, Nonconformists, and criminal lunatics as much the +same class of person. The only difference between myself and my +forebears is that I am much too pacific (or lazy) to cherish any +animosity against people whose views differ from my own. This fact, +coupled with certain family traditions, has brought me to my present +position in life; and, as I have already indicated, it will probably +keep me there. At least, so Kitty says.</p> + +<p>"You must <i>assert</i> yourself, dear," she declares. "Be +<i>rude</i> to people, and go on being rude! Then they will take notice +of you and give you nice big posts to keep you quiet. Do you know what +the Premier said about you the other night at dinner, to Lady Bindle? +(She told Dicky Lever, and he told the Twins.) 'Inglethwaite? A dear +fellow, a sound party man, and runs his Department admirably. +But—he strikes only on the box!' Pig!"</p> + +<p>It was about this time that Robin became a member of our +establishment. I had no idea what his political views were—it was +just like me not to have asked him, Kitty said—but felt confident +that whatever side he supported he would do so hot and strong.</p> + +<p>But at first he gave no indication of his leanings. It was not until +we sat one night over our wine, in company with John Champion (member +for a big northern constituency, and regarded by many, notwithstanding +various eccentricities, as the coming man of the party) that he first +gave definite utterance to his views.</p> + +<p>The cigars had gone round, and we had just performed that mysterious +national rite which, whether it owes its existence to economy or +politeness, invariably ends in several people burning their fingers with +the same match.</p> + +<p>"I suppose, Mr Fordyce," said Champion, who had not met Robin before, +but obviously liked him, "that in common with all Scotsmen you are at +heart a Radical."</p> + +<p>"Am I?" said Robin, with native caution.</p> + +<p>"Most of your countrymen are," said Champion, with a sigh. "'They +think too much'—you know the rest of the quotation, I expect."</p> + +<p>Robin nodded.</p> + +<p>I was a little scandalised at this flagrant tribute to the enemy, and +said so.</p> + +<p>Champion laughed.</p> + +<p>"You are a whole-hearted old war-horse, Adrian. I envy you. +Sometimes, I wish that I——"</p> + +<p>"For mercy's sake don't go and say that you are a Radical at heart +too," I cried.</p> + +<p>"N-n-o. But isn't it rot, the whole business?"</p> + +<p>"What whole business?"</p> + +<p>"Ask Mr Fordyce there. He will tell you. I see it in his eye."</p> + +<p>"What is rot, Robin?" I asked. "Party government?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Robin, quite explosively for him. "It is such a +scandalous waste of power and material." He laid down his cigar. "Man, +it's just pitiful. Consider! A party is returned to office. With great +care and discrimination a Cabinet is chosen. It is composed of men who +are mainly honest and patriotic. They are not necessarily men of genius, +but they are all men of undoubted ability, and they are genuinely +anxious to do their duty by the country. Now observe." (As a matter of +fact he said "obsairrve.") "How is this energy and ability expended? +About half of it—fifty per cent—goes in devising means to +baffle the assaults of the Opposition and so retain a precarious hold on +office. Sir, it's just ludicrous! Instead of concentrating their efforts +upon—upon—I want a metaphor, Mr Champion."</p> + +<p>"Upon steering the ship of State," said Champion, with a twinkle in +his eye.</p> + +<p>"That'll do, fine.—Upon steering the ship of State, they have +to devote half their time and energy to dodging the missiles of their +shipmates. That is what I mean when I say the thing is pitiful. What +should we think of the sanity of an ordinary ship's company, if the man +at the wheel had to spend half his time up in the rigging because a +minority of his messmates wanted to throw him overboard?"</p> + +<p>"I think you are putting the case too strongly," I said. "The +criticism of a healthy public opinion is no bad thing. Besides, your +Cabinet still have fifty per cent of their energy left. What do they do +with that?"</p> + +<p>"Of that," said Champion, joining in, "about forty per cent is wasted +on mere parade—dummy legislation—bills that never will be +passed, and which no sensible man has any desire should be passed, +except in a mutilated and useless condition; bills merely brought +forward by the Government as a sop to the extreme wing of their own +party. It doesn't matter which side is in power. If they are Liberals, +they have to propose a few socialistic and iconoclastic measures, +secretly thanking God for the House of Lords all the while. If they are +Conservatives, they propitiate the Landlords and the Church by putting +forward some outrageously retrograde proposal or other, secure in the +knowledge that it will be knocked on the head by the halfpenny papers. +Of the remaining ten per cent——"</p> + +<p>"About nine," resumed Robin, "is appropriated automatically to +absolutely essential routine business, like the Budget and +Supply——"</p> + +<p>"And the remaining one per cent," struck in Champion, "is devoted to +real live Legislation."</p> + +<p>Then they both looked at me, this pair of carping pessimists, rather +furtively, like two fags who have allowed their tongues to wag over +freely in the presence of a monitor. It was a curious tribute to the +power of officialdom, for they were both far bigger men, in every sense, +than I. Finally Champion laughed.</p> + +<p>"Don't look so horrified, Adrian," he said. "Mr Fordyce and I croak +too much. Still, you will find a grain or two of sense among the chaff, +as Jack Point says."</p> + +<p>But I was not to be smoothed down so easily.</p> + +<p>"According to you fellows," I grumbled, as I passed the port, "there +is practically no difference between one political party and +another."</p> + +<p>"None whatever," said Champion cheerfully—"not between the +<i>backbones</i> of the parties, that is. Of course excrescences don't +count. Tell me, Adrian, what bill, barring one or two contentious +semi-religious measures, has ultimately reached the Statute Book during +the last twenty years that might not have been put there by either party +without any violent departure from its principles? Not one! Foreign +policy, again. Does it make any difference to our position in the world +which party is in office nowadays? Not a scrap. The difference between +the two sides is immaterial. There is often a far deeper line of +cleavage between two sections of the same party than between party and +party. We make faces at each other, it is true; and one side plumes +itself on the moral support of Royalty and the aristocracy, while the +other always bawls out that it has the inviolable will of the people at +its back,—I daresay one assertion is about as true as the +other—but I don't think there is a pennyworth of difference, +really. There used to be a lot, mind you, when the Plebs were really +struggling for a footing in the scheme of things; but bless you! we are +all more or less in the same crowd now. Just a difference of label, +that's all."</p> + +<p>"There was a story my dominie used to tell," said Robin, who had been +listening to this diatribe with rapt attention, "about a visitor to a +seaside hotel, who ordered a bottle of wine. The boy brought up the +wrong kind, so the visitor sent for the landlord and pointed out the +mistake, adducing the label on the bottle as evidence. 'I'm very sorry, +sir, I'm sure,' said the landlord, 'but I'll soon put it right. Boy, +bring another label!' An old story, I am afraid, but it seems to me to +put Party goverment into a nutshell."</p> + +<p>I rose, and began to replace the stoppers in the decanters. I was +feeling rather cross. I hate having my settled convictions tampered +with. They are not elastic, and this makes them brittle, and I always +feel nervous about their stability when the intellectual pressure of an +argument grows intense.</p> + +<p>"When you two have abolished the British Constitution," I remarked +tartly, "what do you propose to substitute for the present +<i>régime</i>?"</p> + +<p>"'There,'" said Champion, "as the charwoman replied when asked for a +character, 'you <i>'ave</i> me.' Let us join the ladies."</p> + +<p>But I was still angry.</p> + +<p>"It always seems best to me," I persisted doggedly, "to take up a +good sound line of action and stick to it, and to choose a good sound +party and stick to that. Half a glass of sherry before we go +upstairs?"</p> + +<p>"No, thanks. That is why I envy you, Adrian," said Champion. "It's a +wearing business for us, being so—so—what shall we call it, +Mr Fordyce?"</p> + +<p>"Detached?" suggested Robin.</p> + +<p>"That's it."</p> + +<p>"Two-faced would be a better word," I growled.</p> + +<p>Champion clapped me on the shoulder.</p> + +<p>"Adrian," said he, "in time of peace there is always a large, +critical, neutral, and infernally irritating party, for ever +philandering betwixt and between two extremes of opinion. But when war +is declared and it comes to a fight, the ranks close up. There is no +room for detachment, and there are no neutrals. When occasion calls, +you'll find all your friends—your half-hearted, carping, Erastian +friends—ranged up tight beside you. Shall we be trapesing about in +Tom Tiddler's ground when the pinch comes, Mr Fordyce—eh?"</p> + +<p>"Never fear!" said Robin.</p> + +<p>And I am bound to say that we all of us lived to see John Champion's +assertion made good.</p> + +<hr /> + + +<h2><a name="chapter06" id="chapter06">CHAPTER SIX.</a></h2> + +<h3>ROBIN OFF DUTY.</h3> + + +<p>I have yet to introduce to the indulgent reader two more members of +the family into which I have married.</p> + +<p>The first of these is my daughter Phillis, of whom I have already +made passing mention. She is six years old, and appears to be compounded +of about equal parts of angelic innocence and original sin. In her +dealings with her fellow-creatures she exhibits all the <i>sangfroid</i> +and self-possession that mark the modern child. She will be a "handful" +some day, the Twins tell me, and they ought to know. However, pending +the arrival of the time when she will begin to rend the hearts of young +men, she contents herself for the present with practising that +accomplishment with complete and lamentable success upon her own +garments.</p> + +<p>She is the possessor of a vivid imagination, which she certainly does +not inherit from me, and is fond of impersonating other people, either +characters of her own creation or interesting figures from story-books. +Consequently it is never safe to address her too suddenly. She may be a +fairy, or a bear, or a locomotive at the moment, and will resent having +to return to her proper self, even for a brief space, merely to listen +to some stupid and irrelevant remark—usually something about +bed-time or an open door—from an unintelligent adult.</p> + +<p>Kitty says that I spoil her, but that is only because Kitty is +quicker at saying a thing than I am. She is our only child; and I +sometimes wonder, at moments of acute mental introspection (say, in the +night watches after an indigestible supper), what we should do without +her.</p> + +<p>The other character waiting for introduction is my brother-in-law, +Master Gerald Rubislaw. He is the solitary male member of the family of +which my wife and the Twins form the female side. He is, I think, +fourteen years of age, and he is at present a member of what he +considers—very rightly, I think; and I should know, for I was +there myself—the finest public school in the world. Having no +parents, he resides at my house during his holidays, and refreshes me +exceedingly.</p> + +<p>He is a sturdy but rather diminutive youth, with a loud voice. (He +always addresses me as if I were standing on a distant hill-top.) He +bears a resemblance to his sisters of which he is heartily and frankly +ashamed, and which he endeavours at times to nullify as far as possible +by a degree of personal uncleanliness which would be alarming to me, +were it not that the traditions of my own extreme youth have not yet +been entirely obliterated from my memory.</p> + +<p>His health is excellent, and his intellect is in that condition +euphemistically described in house-master's reports as "unformed." He is +always noisy, constitutionally lazy, and hopelessly casual. But he +possesses the supreme merit of being absolutely and transparently +honest. I have never known him tell a lie or do a mean thing. To such +much is forgiven.</p> + +<p>At present he appears to possess only two ambitions in life; one, to +gain a place in his Junior House Fifteen, and the other, to score some +signal and lasting victory over his form-master, a Mr Sydney Mellar, +with whom he appears to wage a sort of perpetual guerilla warfare. Every +vacation brings him home with a fresh tale of base subterfuges, petty +tyrannies, and childish exhibitions of spite on the part of the infamous +Mellar, all duly frustrated, crushed, and made ridiculous by the +ingenuity, resource, and audacity of the intrepid Rubislaw. I have never +met Mr Mellar in the flesh, but I am conscious, as time goes on and my +young relative's reminiscences on the subject accumulate, of an +increasing feeling of admiration and respect for him.</p> + +<p>"He's a rotten brute," observed Gerald one day. "Do you know what he +had the cheek to do last term?"</p> + +<p>"What?"</p> + +<p>"Well, there was a clinking new desk put into our form-room, at the +back. I sit there," he added rather <i>naďvely</i>. "As soon as I saw +it, of course I got out my knife and started to carve my name. I made +good big letters, as I wanted to do the thing properly on a fine new +desk like that."</p> + +<p>"Was this during school hours?" I ventured to inquire.</p> + +<p>"Of course it was. Do you think a chap would be such a silly ass as +to want to come in specially to carve his name during play-hours, when +he's got the whole of his school-time to do it in?"</p> + +<p>"I had not thought of that," I said apologetically.</p> + +<p>"And don't go putting on side of that sort, Adrian, old man," roared +Gerald, in what a stranger would have regarded as a most threatening +voice, though I knew it was merely the one he keeps for moments of +playful badinage. "I saw <i>your</i> name carved in letters about four +inches high in the Fifth Form room only the other day. I don't see how +you can jaw a man for doing a thing you used to do yourself thirty or +forty years ago."</p> + +<p>I allowed this reflection on my appearance to pass without protest, +and Gerald resumed his story.</p> + +<p>"Well, I did a first-class G to begin with, and was well on with the +Rubislaw—all in capitals: I thought it would look best that +way—when suddenly a great hand reached over my shoulder and +grabbed my knife. It was Stinker, of course."</p> + +<p>"St——"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I forgot to tell you that. We call him 'Stinker' now. You see, +his name is S. Mellar, and if you say it quickly it sounds like +'Smeller.' So we call him 'Stinker.' It was a kid called Lane thought of +it. Pretty smart—eh? Oh, he's a clever chap, I can tell you," +yelled Gerald, with sincere enthusiasm.</p> + +<p>"He must be a youth of gigantic intellect," I said.</p> + +<p>"Oh, come off the roof! Well, Stinker grabbed my knife, and said, +'Hallo, young man, what's all this? Handing down your name to +posterity—eh?' with a silly grin on his face.</p> + +<p>"I said I was just carving my name.</p> + +<p>"'I see you have just finished it,' he said.</p> + +<p>"I didn't quite tumble to his meaning at first, because I had only +got as far as G. RUB,—and then I saw that the whole thing as it +stood spelled 'GRUB.' Lord, how the swine laughed! He told the form all +about it, and of course they all laughed too, the sniggering, grovelling +sweeps!</p> + +<p>"Then Stinker said: 'A happy thought has just occurred to me. I shall +not have your name obliterated in the usual manner'—they cut it +out and put in a fresh bit of wood, and charge you a bob—' this +time. I have thought of a more excellent way.' (He always talks like +that, in a sort of slow drawl.) 'We will leave your name exactly as you +have carved it. But remember, young man, not another letter do you add +to that name so long as you are a member of this school. A Grub you +are,—a nasty little destructive Grub,—and a Grub you shall +remain, so far as that desk is concerned, for all time. And if ever in +future years you come down here as a distinguished Old Boy—say a +K.C.B. or an Alderman,—remember to bring your numerous +progeny'—oh, he's a sarcastic devil!—'to this room, and show +them what their papa once was!'</p> + +<p>"Of course all the chaps roared again, at the idea of me with a lot +of kids. But that wasn't all. He switched off <i>that</i> tap quite +suddenly, and said—</p> + +<p>"'Seriously, though, I am not pleased about this. Carving your name +on a desk is not one of the seven deadly sins, but doing so when I have +told you not to <i>is</i>. This silly street-boy business has been +getting too prevalent lately: we shall have you chalking things up on +the walls next. I particularly gave out last week, when this new desk +was put in, that no one was to touch it. Come to me at twelve, and I +will cane you.' And he <i>did</i>," concluded Gerald, with feeling.</p> + +<p>"What a shame!" said Dilly, who was sitting by. "All for carving a +silly old desk."</p> + +<p>"He was perfectly right," said Gerald, his innate sense of justice +rising to the surface at once. "I wasn't lammed for cutting the desk at +all: it was for doing it after I had been told not to."</p> + +<p>"It's the same thing," said Dilly, with feminine disregard for legal +niceties.</p> + +<p>"Same thing? Rot! Fat lot you know about it, Dilly. It's a rum +thing," he added to me in a reflective bawl, "but women never can +understand the rules of any game. Stinker is a bargee, but he was quite +right to lam me. It was for disobedience; and disobedience is cheek; and +no master worth his salt will stand cheek. So Stinker says, and he is +right for once."</p> + +<p>Gerald is the possessor of a bosom friend, an excessively silent and +rather saturnine youth of about his own age. His name is Donkin, and he +regards Gerald, so far as I can see, with a grim mixture of amusement +and compassion. He pays frequent visits to my house, as his father is a +soldier in India; and he is much employed by the Twins for corroborating +or refuting the more improbable of their brother's reminiscences.</p> + +<p>Robin soon made friends with the boys. Like most of their kind, their +tests of human probity were few and simple: and having discovered that +Robin not only played Rugby football, but had on several occasions +represented Edinburgh University thereat, they straightway wrote him +down a "decent chap" and took the rest of his virtues for granted.</p> + +<p>It came upon them—and me too, as a matter of fact—as +rather a shock one evening, when Robin, during the course of a desultory +conversation on education in general, suddenly launched forth <i>more + suo</i> into a diatribe against the English Public School system.</p> + +<p>English boys, he pointed out, were passed through a great machine, +which ground up the individual at one end and disgorged a mere type at +the other—("Pretty good type too, Robin," from me),—they +were taught to worship bodily strength—("Quite right too!" said my +herculean brother-in-law),—they were herded together under a +monastic system; they were removed from the refining influence of female +society—(even the imperturable Donkin snorted at this),—and +worst of all, little or nothing was done to eradicate from their minds +the youthful idea that it is unmanly to read seriously or think +deeply.</p> + +<p>I might have said a good deal in reply. I might have dwelt upon the +fact that the English Public School system is not so hard upon the +stupid boy—which means the average boy—as that of more +strenuous forcing-houses of intellect abroad. I might have spoken of one +or two moral agents which prevent our schools from being altogether +despicable: unquestioning obedience to authority, for instance, or +loyalty to tradition. I might have told of characters moulded and fibres +stiffened by responsibility—our race bears more responsibility on +its shoulders than all the rest of the world put together—or of +minds trained to interpret laws and balance justice in the small but +exacting world of the prefects' meeting and the games' committee. But it +was Gerald, who is no moralist, but a youth of sound common-sense, who +closed the argument.</p> + +<p>"Mr Fordyce," he said, "it's no use <i>my</i> jawing to you, because +you can knock me flat at that game; and of course old Moke +there"—this was Master Donkin's unhappy but inevitable designation +among his friends—"is too thick to argue with a stuffed rabbit; +but you had better come down some time and see the place—that's +all."</p> + +<p>Robin promised to suspend judgment pending a personal investigation, +and the incident closed.</p> + +<p>Gerald's verdict on Robin's views, communicated to me privately +afterwards, was characteristic but not unfavourable.</p> + +<p>"He seems to have perfectly putrid notions about some things, but +he's a pretty sound chap on the whole—the best secretary you have +had, anyhow, old man. Have you seen him do a straight-arm balance on the +billiard-table?"</p> + +<p>But I did not fully realise how completely Robin had settled down as +an accepted member of my household until one afternoon towards the end +of the Christmas holidays.</p> + +<p>There is a small but snug apartment opening out of my library, +through an arched and curtained doorway. The library is regarded as my +workroom—impregnable, inviolable; not to be rudely attempted by +devastating housemaids. There is a sort of tacit agreement between Kitty +and myself as regards this apartment. Fatima-like, she may do what she +pleases with the rest of the house. She may indulge her passion for +drawing-room meetings to its fullest extent. She may intertain +missionaries in the attics and hold meetings of the Dorcas Society in +the basement. She may give reformed burglars the run of the +silver-closet, and allow curates and chorus-girls to mingle in sweet +companionship on the staircase. But she must leave the library alone, +and neither she nor her following must overflow through its double doors +during what I call business hours.</p> + +<p>On this particular afternoon I had been engaged upon the draft of a +small bill with which I had been entrusted—we will call it the +"Importation of Mad Dogs Bill,"—and about four o'clock I handed it +to Robin with instructions to write out a fair copy. Robin retired into +his inner chamber, and I sat down in an arm-chair with <i>Punch</i>. (It +was a Wednesday, the Parliamentary half-holiday of those days, and +still, happily, the <i>Punch</i>-day of these.)</p> + +<p>Kitty was holding a Drawing-room Meeting upstairs. I forget what +description of body she was entertaining: it was either a Society for +the Propagation of something which could never, in the nature of things, +come to birth; or else an Association for the Prevention of something +that was bound to go on so long as the world endured. I had been +mercifully absolved from attending, and my tea had been sent in to me. I +was enjoying an excellent caricature of my Chief in the minor cartoon of +<i>Punch</i>, when I heard the door of the inner room open and the voice +of my daughter inquire—</p> + +<p>"Are you <i>drefful</i> busy, Uncle Robin?" (My secretary had been +elevated to avuncular rank after a probation of just three hours.)</p> + +<p>There was a sound as of a chair being pushed back, and a rustle which +suggested the hasty laying aside of a manuscript, and Robin's voice +said—</p> + +<p>"Come away, Philly!" (This is a favourite Scoticism of Robin's, and +appears to be a term denoting hearty welcome.)</p> + +<p>There was a delighted squeal and the sound of pattering feet. Next +ensued a period of rather audible osculation, and then there was +silence. Presently Phillis said—</p> + +<p>"What shall we do? Shall I sing you a hymn?"</p> + +<p>Evidently the revels were about to commence.</p> + +<p>"I have just learned a new one," she continued. "I heared it in +Church yesterday afternoon, so I brought it home and changed it a bit. +It's called 'Onward, Chwistian Sailors!'"</p> + +<p>"'<i>Soldiers</i>,' isn't it?"</p> + +<p>"No—'<i>Sailors</i>.' It <i>was</i> 'Soldiers,' but I like +sailors much better than soldiers, so I changed it. I'll sing it +now."</p> + +<p>"Wait till Sunday," said Robin, with much presence of mind. "Will you +not tell me a story?"</p> + +<p>This idea appeared so good that Phillis began forthwith.</p> + +<p>"Once there were three horses what lived in a stable. Two was wise +and one was just a foolish young horse. There was some wolves what lived +quite near the stable——"</p> + +<p>"Wolves?" said my secretary, in tones of mild surprise.</p> + +<p>"The stable," explained Phillis, "stood in the midst of the snowy +plains of Muscovy. I should have telled you that before."</p> + +<p>"Just so," said Robin gravely. "Go on."</p> + +<p>"Well, one day," continued the narratress's voice through the +curtains—I knew the story by heart, so I was able to fill up the +gaps for myself when she dropped to a confidential whisper—"one +cold, windy, berleak day, the old wolves said to the young ones, 'How +about a meal of meat?' and all the young one's said, 'Oh, +<i>let's</i>!'</p> + +<p>"That very morning," continued Phillis in the impressive bass which +she reserves for the most exciting parts of her narrative, "that +<i>very</i> morning the foolish young horse said to the old horses, 'Who +is for a scamper to-day?' Then he began to wiggle and wiggle at his +halter. The old horses said, 'There is wolves outside, and our master +says that they eat all sheep an' cattle an' horses,' But the young horse +just wiggled and wiggled,"—I could hear my daughter suiting the +action to the word upon her audience's knee,—"and pwesently his +halter was off! Then out he rushed, kicking up the nimble snow with his +feathery heels, and—what?"</p> + +<p>Robin, who was automatically murmuring something about transferred +epithets, apologised for this pedantic lapse, and the tale +proceeded.</p> + +<p>"Well, just as he was goin' to have one more scamper, he felt a +growl—a awful, fearful, deep <i>growl</i>,"—Phillis's voice +sank to a bloodcurdling and continuous gurgle—"and he terrembled, +like this! I'll show you——"</p> + +<p>She slipped off Robin's knee, and I knew that she was now on the +hearth-rug, simulating acute palsy for his benefit.</p> + +<p>"Then he felt somefing on his back, then somefing further up his +back, then a bite at his neck; and then he felt his head bitten off, and +he died. Now you tell me one."</p> + +<p>"Which?"</p> + +<p>Phillis considered.</p> + +<p>"The one about the Kelpie and the Wee Bit Lassie."</p> + +<p>Robin obliged. At first he stumbled a little, and had to be prompted +in hoarse whispers by Phillis (who apparently had heard the story +several times before); but as the narrative progressed and the +adventures of the wee bit lassie grew more enthralling and the Kelpie +more terrifying, he became almost as immersed as his audience. When I +peeped through the curtain they were both sitting on the hearth-rug +pressed close together, Phillis gripping one of Robin's enormous hands +in a pleasurable condition of terrified interest. The fair copy of the +"Importation of Mad Dogs Bill," I regret to say, lay on the floor under +the table. I retired to my arm-chair.</p> + +<p>"The Kelpie," Robin continued, "came closer and closer behind her. +Already she could feel a hot breath on her neck." (So could Robin on +his, for that matter.) "But she did not give in. She ran faster and +faster until——"</p> + +<p>"You've forgotten to say she could hear its webbed feet going <i>pad + pad</i> over the slippery stanes," interpolated Phillis anxiously.</p> + +<p>"So I did. I'm sorry. She could hear its webbed feet going <i>pad + pad</i> over the slippery stanes. Presently though, she came to a wee +bit housie on the moor. It was empty, but she slippit through the +yard-gate and flew along the path and in at the door. The Kelpie came +flying through the gate——"</p> + +<p>"No, no—it loupit ower the dyke!" screamed Phillis, who would +countenance no tamperings with the original text.</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes. It loupit ower the dyke, but the wee lassie just slammed +the door in its face, and turned the key. Then she felt round in the +dark and keeked about, wondering what kind of place she was in. And at +that very moment, through a bit window in the wall——"</p> + +<p>"She went ben first."</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes. She went ben; and at that very moment, through the bit +window in the back-end of the house, there came a ray of light. The +sun——"</p> + +<p>"The sun had risen," declaimed Phillis, triumphantly taking up the +tale; "and with one wild sheriek of disappointed rage the Kelpie +vanished away, and the wee lassie was <i>saved</i>!"</p> + +<p>There was a rapt pause after this exciting anecdote. Then Phillis +remarked—</p> + +<p>"Uncle Robin, let's write that story down, and then I can get people +to read it to me."</p> + +<p>"Why not write it down for yourself?"</p> + +<p>"I can't write—much; and it ought to be writed in ink, and +I—I am only allowed to use pencil," explained my daughter, not +without a certain bitterness. "But I put the lead in my mouf," she added +defiantly.</p> + +<p>At this moment the door of my apartment was hurled open, and Gerald +projected himself into the room. It was the evening before his return to +school, and there was a predatory look in his eye. He was accompanied by +his speechless friend.</p> + +<p>"Adrian, old son," he began, in such tones as an orator might address +to a refractory mob, "Moke and I are going to have a study next term, +and we want some furniture."</p> + +<p>I mildly remarked that in my day furniture was supplied by the school +authorities.</p> + +<p>"Yes, but I mean pictures and things. Can you give us one? We shall +want something to go on that wall opposite the window, shan't we, Moke? +The place where young Lee missed your head with the red-ink bottle. +<i>Have</i> you got a picture handy, Adrian?"</p> + +<p>I replied in the negative.</p> + +<p>Gerald took not the slightest notice.</p> + +<p>"It will have to be a pretty big one," he continued. "There is a good +lot of red ink to cover. I have been taking a look round the house, and +I must say the pictures you've got are a fairly mangy lot—aren't +they, Moke?"</p> + +<p>The gentleman addressed coughed deprecatingly, and looked at me as +much as to say that, whatever he thought of my taste in art, he had +eaten my salt and would refrain from criticism.</p> + +<p>"There's one that might do, though," continued Gerald. "It's hanging +in the billiard-room—a big steamer in a storm."</p> + +<p>By this time Phillis and Robin had joined the conclave.</p> + +<p>"I know," said Phillis, nodding her head; "a great beautiful boat in +some waves. I should fink it was a friend of the <i>Great + Eastern's</i>," she added, referring to an antiquated print of the +early Victorian leviathan which hung in the nursery.</p> + +<p>"We could take it for a term or two, anyhow," continued Gerald, +"until we get something better. I'm expecting some really decent ones +after summer. Ainslie <i>major</i> is leaving then, and he has promised +to let me have some of his cheap. Then you can have yours back, Adrian. +That's the scheme! Come on, Moke, we'll go and take it down now. Thanks +very much, old chap" (to me). "I'll tell Kitty that you've let us. We +can jab it off its hook with a billiard-cue, I should think, Moke. Come +too, will you, Mr Fordyce? You can stand underneath and catch it, in +case it comes down with a run. So long, Adrian!"</p> + +<p>The whole pack of them swept from the room, leaving the door +open.</p> + +<p>When I looked in at the billiard-room on my way up to dress for +dinner an hour later, nothing remained to mark the spot hitherto +occupied by a signed and numbered proof of <i>An Ocean Greyhound</i>, by +Michael Angelo Mahlstaff, A.R.A. (a wedding gift to my wife and myself +from the artist), but the imprints of several hot hands on the wall, +together with a series of parallel perpendicular scars, apparently +inflicted by a full-sized harrow.</p> + +<p>From which two chapters it will be gathered that Robert Chalmers +Fordyce was a man capable, in his ordinary working-day, of playing many +parts.</p> + + +<hr /> + +<h2><a name="chapter07" id="chapter07">CHAPTER SEVEN.</a></h2> + +<h3>A DISSOLUTION OF PARTNERSHIP.</h3> + +<h4>I.</h4> + + +<p>My wife and I would have been more than human if we had not +occasionally cast a curious eye upon the relations of Robin and the +Twins.</p> + +<p>Of Robin's attitude towards that pair of charmers Kitty could make +little and I nothing. He kept his place and went his own +way—rather ostentatiously, I thought—and appeared if +anything to avoid them. If he found himself in their company he treated +them with a certain grave reticence—he soon grew out of his +fondness for addressing us like a public meeting—and made little +attempt to bestow upon them the attentions which young maidens are +accustomed to receive from young men.</p> + +<p>There was no mystery about the Twins' attitude towards Robin. "Here," +said they in effect, "is a fine upstanding young man, full of promise, +but hampered in every direction by abysmal ignorance on matters of vital +importance. His instincts are sound, but at present he is quite +impossible. What he wants is mothering."</p> + +<p>And so they mothered him, most maternally. They exerted themselves +quite strenuously to instil into him the fundamental principles of +life—the correct method of tying a dress tie; the intricate ritual +which governs such things as visiting-cards and asparagus; the exact +limit of the domains of brown boots and dinner-jackets; the utter +criminality of dickeys, turn-down collars, and side-whiskers; and the +superiority of dialogue to monologue as a concomitant to afternoon +tea.</p> + +<p>In many respects, they discovered with pleased surprise, their pupil +required no instruction or surveillance. For instance, he could always +be trusted to enter or leave a room without awkwardness, and his manner +of address was perfect. He was neither servile nor familiar, and the +only people to whom I ever saw him pay marked deference were the members +of what is after all the only real and natural aristocracy in the +world—that of old age.</p> + +<p>All their ministrations Robin received with grave wonder—he was +not of the sort that can easily magnify a fetish into a deity—but, +evidently struck by the intense importance attached by the Twins to +their own doctrines, he showed himself a most amenable pupil. Probably +he realised, in spite of hereditary preference for inward worth as +opposed to outward show, that though a coat cannot make a man, a good +man in a good coat often has the advantage of a good man in a bad coat. +So he allowed the Twins to round off his corners; and, without losing +any of his original ruggedness of character or toughness of fibre, he +soon developed into a well-groomed and sufficiently presentable +adjunct—quite distinguished-looking, Dilly said, when she met us +one day on our way down to the House—to a lady's morning walk.</p> + +<p>What he really thought of it all I do not know. I have a kind of +suspicion that deep down in his heart every Scot entertains a contempt +for the volatile and frivolous English which is only equalled by that of +the English for the nation to whom I once heard a Highland minister +refer as "the giddy and godless French"; but Robin was not given to the +revelation of his private thoughts. He seldom spoke of the Twins to +me—he was a discusser of manners rather than men—but he once +remarked that they were girls of widely different character. He entered +into no further details, but I remember being struck by the observation +at the time; for I had always regarded my sisters-in-law as being as +identical in disposition as they were in appearance.</p> + +<p>Still it was pretty to see Robin unbending to please the two girls, +and to hear him say "No, really?" or "My word, what rot!" when you knew +that his tongue was itching to cry, "Is that a fact?" or "Hoots!" or +"Havers!" as the occasion demanded.</p> + +<p>He also possessed the great and unique merit of not being ashamed to +ask for guidance in a difficulty. I have known him pause before an +unfamiliar dish at table and ask one of his preceptresses, in the +frankest manner possible, whether the exigencies of the situation called +for a spoon or a fork: and out of doors it was a perpetual joy to hear +him whisper, on the approach of some one whom he thought might be a +friend of ours, "Will I lift my hat?"</p> + +<p>All that year Robin was my right hand. It was a long session; and as +my Chief sat in the Upper House, much work in the way of answering +questions and making statements fell upon me. We had a good working +majority, but the Opposition were a united and well-organised body that +year, and we had to rise early and go to bed late to keep their assaults +at bay while proceeding with the programme of the session. Every +afternoon, before I entered the House to take my place at question-time, +my secretary insisted on taking me through the answers which he had +prepared for my recitation; and we also discussed the line of action to +be pursued if I were cornered by questions of the +"arising-out-of-that-answer" order.</p> + +<p>Personally, I loathed this part of the work—I am a +departmentalist pure and simple—but Robin's eye used to glow with +the light of battle as he rehearsed me in the undoubtedly telling +counters with which I was to pulverise the foe.</p> + +<p>"I would like fine," he once said to me, "to stand up in your place +and answer these questions for you."</p> + +<p>"I wish you could, Robin," I sighed. "And," I added, "I believe you +will some day."</p> + +<p>Robin turned pink, for the first time in our acquaintance, and I +heard his teeth click suddenly together.</p> + +<p>So the wind lay that way!</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>II.</h4> + + +<p>During the next year my household was furnished with three surprises, +Dilly contributing one and Robin two.</p> + +<p>Robin's came first. One was his uncle, the other his book.</p> + +<p>One night it fell to my lot to dine in the City, as the guest of the +Honourable Company of Tile-Glazers and Mortar-Mixers. As I swam +forlornly through a turgid ocean of turtle-soup and clarified punch +towards an unyielding continent of fish, irrigated by brown sherry, +mechanically rehearsing to myself the series of sparkling yet +statesmanlike epigrams with which I proposed to reply to the toast of +his Majesty's Ministers I became aware that the gentleman on my left was +addressing me in a voice that seemed vaguely familiar.</p> + +<p>"And how is my brother's second boy doing with you, Mr +Inglethwaite?"</p> + +<p>I must have looked a trifle blank, for he added—</p> + +<p>"My nephew, Robin."</p> + +<p>I glanced obliquely at the card which marked his place at table, and +read—</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Sir James Fordyce.</i></p> + +<p>Then I began to grasp the situation, and I realised that this great +man, whose name was honourably known wherever the ills of childhood are +combated, was Robin's uncle, the "doctor" to whom my secretary had +casually referred, and whom he occasionally went to visit on Sunday +afternoons. I had pictured an overdriven G.P., living in Bloomsbury or +Balham, with a black bag, and a bulge in his hat where he kept his +stethoscope. A man sufficiently distinguished to represent his +profession at a public banquet was more than I had bargained for.</p> + +<p>We became friends at once, and supported each other, so to speak, +amid the multitude of dinners and dishes, our respective neighbours +proving but broken reeds so far as social intercourse was concerned. On +Sir James's left, I remember, sat a plethoric gentleman whose burnished +countenance gave him the appearance of a sort of incarnate Glazed Tile; +while my right-hand neighbour, from the manner in which he manipulated +the food upon his plate, I put down without hesitation as a Mortar Mixer +of high standing.</p> + +<p>The old gentleman gave me a good deal of information about Robin.</p> + +<p>"He had a hard fight his first year or two in London," he said. "I +could see by the way he fell upon his dinner when he came to my house +that his meat and drink were not easily come by. Still, now that he has +won through, he will not regret the experience. I had it myself. It is +the finest training that a young man can receive. Hard, terribly hard, +but invaluable! You will not have seen his father yet—my brother +John?"</p> + +<p>I told him no.</p> + +<p>"Well, try and meet him. You, as an Englishman, would perhaps call +him hard and narrow,—after forty years of London I sometimes find +him so myself,—but he is a fine man, and he has a good wife. So +have you," he added unexpectedly—"Robin has told me that."</p> + +<p>I laughed, in what the Twins call the "silly little gratified way" +which obtrudes itself into my demeanour when any one praises Kitty.</p> + +<p>"I hope you are in the same happy situation," I said.</p> + +<p>"No, I am a bachelor. My brother John has not achieved a K.C.B., but +he is a more fortunate man than I."</p> + +<p>The conversation dropped here, but I repeated it to my wife +afterwards.</p> + +<p>"Of course, the whole thing is as clear as daylight," she said. +"These two brothers both wanted to marry the same girl. She took the +farmer one, so the other, poor thing, went off to London and became a +famous doctor instead. That's all. He might have been Robin's father, +but he's only his uncle."</p> + +<p>Happy the mind which can reconstruct a romance out of such scanty +material.</p> + +<p>Sir James ultimately dined at my house, and became a firm friend of +all that dwelt therein, especially Phillis.</p> + +<p>Then came Robin's second surprise—his book. It was a novel, and +a very good novel too. He had been at it for some time, he told me, but +it was only recently that he had contrived to finish it off. Being +distrustful of its merits, he had decided to offer it to just one good +publisher, who could take it or leave it. If he took it, well and good. +But if the publisher (and possibly just one other) exhibited an attitude +of aloofness, Robin had fully decided not to hawk his bantling about +among other less reputable and more amenable firms, but to consign it to +his bedroom fire.</p> + +<p>However, this inhuman but only-too-unusual sacrifice of the parental +instinct was averted by the one good publisher, who accepted the book, +and introduced Robin to the public.</p> + +<p>Either through shyness or indifference Robin had told us nothing of +the approaching interesting event, and it was not until one morning in +October, when a parcel of complimentary copies arrived from the +publisher's, that we were apprised of the fact that we had been +cherishing an author in our midst. Robin solemnly presented us with a +copy apiece (which I thought handsome but extravagant), and also sent +one to his parents, who, though I think they rather doubted the +propriety of possessing a son who wrote novels at all, wrote back +comparing it very favourably with <i>The Pilgrim's Progress</i>, the +only other work of fiction with which they were acquainted.</p> + +<p>The book itself dealt with matters rather than men, and with men +rather than women; which was characteristic of its author, but rather +irritating for the Twins. It had a good deal to say about the under-side +of journalism,—graphic and convincing, all this,—and +contained a rather technical but absorbingly interesting account of some +most exciting financial operations, winding up with a great description +of a panic on the Stock Exchange. But there were few light and no tender +passages, from which it will be seen that Robin as an author appealed to +the male rather than the female intellect.</p> + +<p>The Twins, I think, were secretly rather disappointed with the book, +less from any particular fondness for the perusal of love-passages than +from a truly human desire to note how Robin would have handled them; for +it is always interesting to see to what extent our friends will give +themselves away when they commit the indiscretion of a book. On this +occasion Robin had been exasperatingly self-contained.</p> + +<p>But life is full of compensations. There was a dedication. It +read:—</p> + +<div class="center">THIS BOOK<br /><br /> + +OWES ITS INCEPTION,<br /><br /> + +AND IS THEREFORE<br /><br /> + +DEDICATED,<br /><br /> + + TO<br /><br /> + +A CIRCUMSTANCE<br /><br /> + +OVER<br /><br /> + +WHOM<br /><br /> + +I HAVE NO CONTROL.<br /><br /> + +R. C. F.</div> + +<p>Now it is obvious that in nine cases out of ten there is only one +circumstance over whom a vigorous young man has no control, and this +circumstance wears petticoats. Hitherto I had not seriously connected +Robin with the tender passion, and this sudden intimation that the most +serious-minded and ambitious of young men is not immune from the same +rather startled me.</p> + +<p>The female members of my establishment were pleasantly fluttered, +though they were concerned less with the lady's existence than with her +identity.</p> + +<p>"Who do you think she is?" inquired Kitty of me, the first time the +subject cropped up between us.</p> + +<p>"Don't know, I'm sure," I murmured. I was smoking my post-prandial +cigar at the time, at peace with all the world. "Never had the privilege +of seeing his visiting-list."</p> + +<p>"I wonder who she can be," continued my wife. "He—he hasn't +said anything to you, has he, dear?" she inquired, in a tentative +voice.</p> + +<p>I slowly opened one of my hitherto closed eyes, and cocked it +suspiciously at the diplomatist sitting opposite to me. (The Twins and +Robin were out at the theatre.) Then, observing that she was stealthily +regarding me through her eyelashes—a detestable trick which some +women have—I solemnly agitated my eyelid some three or four times +and gently closed it again.</p> + +<p>"Has he confided any of his love affairs to you, I mean?" continued +Kitty, quite unabashed.</p> + +<p>"If you eat any more chocolates you will make yourself sick," I +observed.</p> + +<p>"Yes, dear," said my wife submissively, pushing away the bon-bon +dish. "But has he?"</p> + +<p>"Are you trying to pump me?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, gracious, no! What would be the good? I only asked a plain +question. You men are such creatures for screening each other, though, +that it's never any use asking a man anything about another man."</p> + +<p>"True for you. As a matter of fact, Robin has hardly said a word to +me on the subject of women since first I met him."</p> + +<p>Kitty thoughtfully cracked a filbert with her teeth—an +unladylike habit about which I have often spoken to her—and +said—</p> + +<p>"What exciting chats you must have!" Then she added +reflectively—</p> + +<p>"I expect it's a girl in Scotland. A sort of Highland lassie, in a +kilt, or whatever female Highlanders wear."</p> + +<p>"Why should a novel about the Stock Exchange 'owe its inception' to a +Highland lassie?"</p> + +<p>Kitty took another filbert.</p> + +<p>"That's 'vurry bright' of you, Adrian, as that American girl used to +say. There's something in that. (Yes, I know you don't like it, dear, +but I love doing it. I'll pour you out another glass of port. There!) +But any idiotic excuse is good enough for a man in love. Has he ever +been sentimental with you—quoted poetry, or anything?"</p> + +<p>"N-no. Stop, though! He did once quote Burns to me, but that was <i>ŕ + propos</i> of poetry in general, not of love-making."</p> + +<p>I remembered the incident well. Robin had picked up at a bookstall a +copy of an early and quite valuable edition of Burns' poems. He had sat +smoking with me in the library late the same night, turning over the +pages of the tattered volume, and quoting bits, in broad vernacular, +from "Tam o' Shanter" and "The Cottar's Saturday Night." Suddenly he +began, almost to himself—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + <div class="quote">"O, my love is like a red, red rose,</div> + <div class="in1">That's newly sprung in June;</div> + <div>My love is like a melody</div> + <div class="in1">That's sweetly played in tune.</div> + <div>As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,</div> + <div class="in1">So deep in love am I——"</div> +</div> +</div> + +<p>He broke off for a moment, and I remembered how he glowered +ecstatically into the fire. Then he concluded—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + <div class="quote">"And I will love thee still, my dear,</div> + <div class="in1">Till a' the seas gang dry."</div> +</div> +</div> + +<p>"Man," he said, "that's fine! That's poetry. That's the real +thing!"</p> + +<p>I had agreed. It is no use arguing with a Scot about Burns. (I +remember once being nearly dirked at a Caledonian Dinner because I +ventured to remark that "before ye" was not in my opinion a good rhyme +to "Loch Lomond.")</p> + +<p>However, Kitty and I were unable to decide whether Robin's "bonnie +lass" on that occasion had been a personality or an abstraction.</p> + +<p>"Mightn't it be one of the Twins?" I remarked.</p> + +<p>"Well, it <i>might</i> be," admitted Kitty judicially, "but he has +kept it very close if it is. No," she continued more decidedly, "I don't +think it can be. They are quite out of his line. Besides—it would +be too absurd!"</p> + +<p>It was not one Twin at any rate, for a fortnight later Dilly sprung +upon us the third surprise of the series I have mentioned. She announced +that she had decided to marry Dicky Lever.</p> + +<p>There was, I suppose, nothing very surprising in that. Dicky had been +in constant attendance upon the Twins for nearly two years, and had long +since graduated into the ranks of the Good Sorts. The surprise to +us—rather unreasonably, perhaps—lay in the fact +of—</p> + +<ul> +<li>1. Dicky having definitely fixed upon a + particular Twin to propose to;</li> + +<li>2. That Twin having definitely selected Dicky + out of the assortment at her command.</li> +</ul> + +<p>I was so accustomed to seeing my sisters-in-law compassed about by a +cloud of young men who appeared to admire them both equally, and to whom +they appeared to apportion their favours with indiscriminate +<i>camaraderie</i>, that the idea of one admirer stealing a march on all +the others seemed a little unfair, somehow.</p> + +<p>As Dolly remarked, it would break up the firm horribly.</p> + +<p>"You see," she confided to me rather plaintively, "Dilly will have no +use for them now, and they'll have still less use for her—an +engaged girl beside other girls is about as exciting as a +tapioca-pudding at a Lord Mayor's Banquet—and they will only have +me. That won't be half the fun."</p> + +<p>"I should have thought that your fun would have been exactly +doubled," I said.</p> + +<p>"Not a bit. How like a man! Don't you see, the fun used to be in +playing them backwards and forwards between our two selves—like +ping-pong, you know! It was clinking!"</p> + +<p>She sighed regretfully.</p> + +<p>"Now I shall either have to avoid men or marry them," she concluded, +vaguely but regretfully. "Before, if they got in the way, I could always +volley them back to Dilly. Now—one <i>can't</i> play ping-pong all +by oneself!"</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>III.</h4> + +<p>Dilly's engagement, as is usual under such circumstances, afforded my +household many opportunities for airy badinage and innocent +merriment.</p> + +<p>Dolly always heralded her coming into the billiard-room, where the +affianced pair had staked out a claim, by a cough of penetrating +severity, and usually entered the room with her features obscured by an +open umbrella. On several occasions, too, she impersonated her sister; +and once, when Dicky was spending a week-end in the house, was only +prevented by the fraction of a second from robbing that incensed damosel +of her morning salute.</p> + +<p>My share in the proceedings was limited to a single constrained +interview with Dicky, at which, feeling extremely rude and inquisitive, +I asked him the usual stereotyped questions about his income, prospects, +and habits (most of which I knew only too well already), which, being +satisfactorily answered, I rang the bell for the Tantalus, and thanked +heaven that the Twins were not Triplets. I had indeed suggested that +Dilly's nearest and most natural protector was her brother, Master +Gerald, and that Dicky should apply not for my consent but his. This +motion, however, was negatived without a division. I was sorry, for I +think my brother-in-law would have shown himself worthy of the +occasion.</p> + +<p>My wife received the news of the engagement with all the enthusiasm +usually exhibited by a Salvation lassie when a fresh convert is hustled +forward to the "saved" bench, and henceforth divided her time between +ordering Dilly's trousseau and giving tea-parties, at which the +prospective bridegroom was produced and passed round, "as if," to use +his own expression, "he were the newest thing in +accordion-pleating."</p> + +<p>As regards Robin's share in the event, I can only recall one +incident. He had been away at Stoneleigh, the largest town in my +constituency, on some party business, and when he returned home the +engagement had been announced for nearly a week.</p> + +<p>"I must go and offer my good wishes to Miss Dilly," he said, after +hearing the news. "Do you know where she is, Mrs Inglethwaite?"</p> + +<p>"I saw her upstairs a few minutes ago," said Kitty. "Come up, and +we'll find her."</p> + +<p>We were in the library at the time, and Kitty and Robin left the room +together. The rest of the story my wife told me later.</p> + +<p>"We went up," she said, "and looked into the drawing-room, where I +had last seen Dilly. The room was nearly dark, but she was there, +sitting curled up in front of the fire.</p> + +<p>"'There she is,' I said. 'Go and say something nice.'</p> + +<p>"Well, dear,"—Kitty's face assumed an air of impressive +solemnity which makes her absurdly like her daughter—"he stood +hesitating a moment, and then walked straight up to her and +said—</p> + +<p>"'Good afternoon! Can you tell me where your sister is? I want to +offer her my good wishes on the great event.'</p> + +<p>"It wasn't Dilly at all. It was Dolly! And he was able to distinguish +between the two in that dim room. And <i>I</i> couldn't!"</p> + +<p>"Oh," said I carelessly, "I expect he noticed she wasn't wearing an +engagement-ring."</p> + +<p>My wife looked at me and sighed, as over one who would spoil a +romance for want of a ha'porth of sentiment. And yet I know she would +have been quite scandalised if any one had hinted at tender passages +between her sister and my secretary. Women are curious creatures.</p> + +<hr /> + + +<h2><a name="chapter08" id="chapter08">CHAPTER EIGHT.</a></h2> + +<h3>OF A PIT THAT WAS DIGGED, AND WHO FELL INTO IT.</h3> + + +<p>Dicky Lever was a hearty and not particularly intellectual youth of +the What ho! type (if you know what I mean). He was employed in some +capacity in a Government office, but his livelihood was not entirely +dependent on his exertions therein—which was, perhaps, fortunate, +as his sole claim to distinction in his Department lay in the fact of +his holding the record for the highest score at small cricket in the +Junior Secretaries' room. He was a member of the Leander Club, a more +than usually capable amateur actor, and a very good fellow all +round.</p> + +<p>The engagement was announced at the end of July, which is a busy time +for this country's legislators. The session was drawing to a close, and +we were passing Bills with a prodigality and despatch which provoked +many not altogether undeserved gibes from a reptile Opposition Press +concerning the devotion of his Majesty's Government to the worship of +Saint Grouse.</p> + +<p>One night I brought Champion home to dinner between the afternoon and +evening sittings. At the latter he was to move the second reading of his +"Municipal Co-ordination Bill," a measure which was intended to grapple +with the chaos arising from the multitude of opposing or overlapping +interests that controlled the domestic arrangements of the Londoner. An +effort was to be made to bring all the Gas, Electricity, Water, Paving, +and other corporations into some sort of line, and prevent them from +getting into each other's way and adding to the expenses and +inconvenience of the much-enduring ratepayer. It was a useful little +Bill; but though everybody approved of it on principle, various powerful +interests were at work against it, and its prospects of getting through +Committee hung in the balance.</p> + +<p>"Now, Mr Champion," said Dilly, who knew that a man always likes to +be questioned about his work, especially by a pretty girl, "what will +your Bill do for <i>us</i>? I have asked this person +here,"—indicating her <i>fiancé</i>,—"but he says +parish-pump politics aren't in his department. He licks stamps at the +Foreign Office," she added in explanation.</p> + +<p>"Tell her, Champion," said Dicky. "Out of my line altogether. Takes +me all my time to keep an eye on those Johnnies in the Concert of +Europe."</p> + +<p>"I will tell you one thing the Bill will do, Miss Dilly," said +Champion, a little heavily. (Dolly once said of him, "He's awfully +clever and able and all that, but he hasn't got a light hand for +conversational pastry.") "How many times have you noticed the streets up +about here this year?"</p> + +<p>"Heaps," said Dilly.</p> + +<p>"They have hardly ever been down," corroborated Dolly.</p> + +<p>"Let me see," continued Dilly. "Our side of the Square was repaved in +January. Directly after that they took it up again and did something to +the drains."</p> + +<p>"In March they opened it again to lay down an electric light main," +said I.</p> + +<p>"In April something burst," said Dolly, "and that meant more men with +wigwams and braziers."</p> + +<p>"And last month," concluded Dilly, "they took away the wood pavement +and relaid the whole Square with some new patent asphalte, which smelt +simply, oh——"</p> + +<p>"Rotten!" supplied Gerald. (Have I mentioned that he had just arrived +home for his summer holiday?)</p> + +<p>"Well," said Champion, "the Bill would regulate that sort of thing. +It would protect the streets from being torn up at will by any Company +who happened to have business underneath them. As things are, +practically any one may come along and hew holes anywhere he +pleases."</p> + +<p>"The police ought to stop it," said Kitty, who has a profound belief +in the Force. (I am convinced that if Beelzebub himself were to enter +the house at any time during my absence, Kitty would lure him into the +dining-room with the sherry, and then telephone for a constable.)</p> + +<p>"The police have no right," said Champion. "If a gas company choose +to give notice that they intend on a certain day to come and burrow in a +road, all the police can do is to divert the traffic, and make the gas +company as comfortable as possible."</p> + +<p>I was not following this conversation with any particular interest. +Being expected to speak in favour of the Bill that night, I was +undergoing the preliminary anguish which invariably attends my higher +oratorical efforts. But I remember now that about this time Dilly +suddenly turned to Dicky and whispered something in his ear. Then they +both looked across the dinner-table at Robin, who nodded, as who should +say, "I know fine what you whispered then." After that they all three +laughed and looked down the table at Champion, who was still expatiating +on the merits of his Bill.</p> + +<p>I suppose anybody else would have divined what was in the wind, but I +did not.</p> + +<br /> + +<p>A week later we were treated to an all-night sitting. The Irishmen +had been quiescent of late, but on this occasion they made amends for +their temporary relaxation of patriotism by resolutely obstructing an +Appropriation Bill, which had to pass through Committee that night (if +John Bull was to have any ready cash at all during the next few months), +and kept us replying to amendments and trotting through division-lobbies +until six o'clock next morning.</p> + +<p>Robin stayed on in attendance at the House most of the night, but +about three o'clock I sent him home, with instructions to stay in bed +till tea-time if he pleased. He had had a hard time lately.</p> + +<p>I was walking homeward in the early sunshine, marvelling, as people +who accidentally find themselves up early pharisaically do, at the +fatuity of those who waste the best hours of the whole day in bed, and +revelling in the near prospect of a bath and my breakfast, when on +turning a corner I walked into a hand-cart which was standing across the +pavement. It contained workmen's tools—picks, shovels, and the +like. On the near side of the roadway a man was erecting one of those +curious wigwam arrangements which screen the operations of electricians +and other subterranean burrowers from the public gaze. A dirty-faced +small boy in corduroys was tending a brazier of live coals, upon which +some breakfast cans were steaming. Between the wigwam and the pavement a +gigantic navvy was hewing wooden paving-blocks out of the roadway.</p> + +<p>The spectacle did not attract my interest specially, as this +particular piece of street had been eviscerated so often that I had +grown callous to its sufferings. But I paused for a moment to survey the +big navvy's muscles, and to wonder how early in the morning it would be +necessary to rise in order to catch a small boy with a clean face. The +navvy was a fine specimen of humanity, with a complexion tanned a dusky +coffee colour.</p> + +<p>I was reflecting on the joys of the simple life and the futility of +politics and other indoor pastimes in general, when the big man rose +from his stooping posture and caught my eye. He appeared a little +disconcerted by my scrutiny, and turned his back and renewed his +exertions with increased vigour, favouring me hereafter with what +architects call a "south elevation" of himself.</p> + +<p>I went home to breakfast, wondering where I had seen the big navvy's +back before. I mentioned casually to Kitty and the Twins that Goring +Street was up again. They wondered how the management of the Goring +Hotel liked it, with that mess under their very windows, and agreed with +me that it was high time Champion's Bill, due for its Third Reading +to-morrow, became law.</p> + +<p>I stayed in bed till lunch-time, and then, rather late in the +afternoon, set out for the House, which I knew I should find in an +extremely limp condition after its previous night's dissipation. On the +way I called in at the Goring Hotel in Goring Street, where Champion +lived when in town. I found him in his room on the first floor, gazing +out of the window into the street.</p> + +<p>I looked out too, to see what was interesting him. Directly below us +lay the encampment of the workmen whom I had seen in the morning. They +had hewed up a few yards of the wood pavement, and the smaller of the +two men was now immersed up to his waist in a hole, working rather +laboriously in the restricted space at his command with a pick-axe. The +boy was piling wooden blocks into a neat heap, and the big man, whose +form was only partially visible, was doing something inside the +wigwam.</p> + +<p>The roadway was more than half blocked, and cabs and omnibuses, in +charge of overheated and eloquent drivers, were being filtered through +the narrow space left at their disposal by a phlegmatic policeman.</p> + +<p>"Look here," said Champion.</p> + +<p>I looked.</p> + +<p>"What on <i>earth</i> are those fellows doing?" he continued.</p> + +<p>"Re-laying the road, perhaps."</p> + +<p>"One doesn't re-lay a road by making a deep hole in it."</p> + +<p>"Well—gas!"</p> + +<p>"Gas and electric light mains in this street are all led along a +special conduit reached by manholes every eighty yards," said Champion. +"There's no need to dig."</p> + +<p>"Well—drains!" said I vaguely. But I was a mere child in the +hands of this expert.</p> + +<p>"The drains, as you call them," he said testily, "consist of a great +sewer away in the depths, accessible from various appointed places. +Besides, nobody in his senses tries to lift earth out of a hole with a +pick-axe."</p> + +<p>"Perhaps the solution of the mystery lies inside the wigwam," I +said.</p> + +<p>"No. That is just what complicates matters. When a shaft leading down +to the electric light mains is opened, one of those canvas shelters is +put over the top. Now there is nothing under that shelter—nothing +but the bit of road it covers. The thing seems to be simply a stage +accessory, planted there to give the encampment an aspect of reality. +Ah, look at that!"</p> + +<p>"That" was a small piece of paving-wood, dexterously hurled by the +dirty-faced boy, who seemed to be finding time hang rather heavily on +his hands. It took a passing citizen in the small of the back, but when +he swung round to detect the source of the missile the boy was on his +knees again industriously blowing up the brazier.</p> + +<p>With an indignant snort the citizen passed on his way, doubtless +adding the outrage, in his mind, to the long list of unsolved London +crimes. But retribution awaited the youthful miscreant. The phlegmatic +policeman who was regulating the traffic on the single-line system +happened to notice the deed. He walked majestically across from the far +side of the street towards our excavating friends.</p> + +<p>"Come on!" said Champion to me. "There's going to be some fun."</p> + +<p>We stepped out through one of the windows, which possessed a broad +balcony, and took our stand behind some laurels in tubs which lined the +balustrade. The street was comparatively quiet at the time, and we were +able to hear most of the dialogue that ensued.</p> + +<p>"'Ere, mate," began the traffic-expert to the smaller of the two +navvies, "just ketch that boy of yours a clip on the side of the 'ead, +will you?"</p> + +<p>The smaller man desisted from his labours in the hole.</p> + +<p>"Wotsye, ole sport?" he inquired cheerily.</p> + +<p>The policeman was a little ruffled by this familiarity.</p> + +<p>"I'll trouble <i>you</i>," he repeated with some hauteur, "to ketch +that boy of yours a clip on the side of the 'ead. If not, I shall 'ave +to do my duty, according——"</p> + +<p>Here the roar of a passing dray drowned his utterance.</p> + +<p>The smaller man clambered nimbly out of the hole and proceeded to +grab his young friend by the scruff of the neck.</p> + +<p>"Billy," he remarked dispassionately, "this gentleman says as 'ow I'm +to give you a clip on the side of the 'ead."</p> + +<p>"Woffor," inquired Billy, simulating extreme terror.</p> + +<p>The man passed the question on to the policeman, who explained the +nature of the offence. His statement was voluntarily corroborated by +several members of an audience which seemed to have materialised from +nowhere, and now formed a ring round the encampment.</p> + +<p>"Righto!" said the man with cheery acquiescence. "Billy, my lad, +you've got to 'ave it."</p> + +<p>"Tha's right, ole son! You give 'im socks," remarked a hoarse and +rather indistinct voice of the gin-and-fog variety, from among the +spectators.</p> + +<p>Simultaneously its owner lurched his way to the front rank, the +others making room for him with that respectful sympathy, not unmixed +with envy, which is always accorded to a true-born Briton in his +condition. He was obviously a member of some profession connected with +coal-dust, and it was plain that he had been celebrating the conclusion +of his day's labours.</p> + +<p>The smaller navvy, thus exhorted, administered the desired clip. It +was not a particularly severe one, but it drew from its recipient the +somewhat unexpected expostulation—</p> + +<p>"You silly ass! Not so hard!"</p> + +<p>Where had I heard that stentorian but childish voice before? Who was +this road-breaker's acolyte, with his brazier, his dirty face, +and—a public-school accent?</p> + +<p>I leaned over the balustrade and surveyed him and his two companions. +Then I drew my breath sharply.</p> + +<p>Merciful heavens!</p> + +<p>The dirty-faced boy was my brother-in-law, Master Gerald Rubislaw, +the clip-administerer was Dicky Lever, and the gigantic and taciturn +navvy was—my Secretary!</p> + +<p>Having witnessed the carrying-out of the sentence, the policeman +returned to his duties; none too soon; for a furniture van and a +butcher's cart, locked in an inextricable embrace, the subject of a +sulphurous duet between their respective proprietors, called loudly for +his attention.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile Coaldust, who had been inspecting the result of our +friends' united labours with some interest, suddenly echoed the question +which had first exercised Champion's logical mind by inquiring what the +blank dash the two adjectival criminals and the qualified nipper thought +they were doing to the asterisked road.</p> + +<p>He received no encouragement. Robin was now engaged with a hammer and +chisel in cutting a sort of touch-line all round the encampment, while +Dicky did not cease manfully to delve with the pick-axe in the pit which +he had digged for himself. For a long time they turned a deaf ear to the +anxious inquiries of their interlocutor.</p> + +<p>But there are limits to long-suffering. Coaldust's witticisms +increased with his audience, and at last Dicky turned to Robin and +cried, with a really admirable maintenance of character and +accent—</p> + +<p>"'Ere, Scotty, come and give this bloke one in the neck. 'E's askin' +for it!"</p> + +<p>Robin deliberately suspended operations, rose heavily to his feet, +and cleared his throat. Then he turned upon the alcoholic Coaldust. I +strained my ears. Surely <i>he</i> was not going to talk Cockney!</p> + +<p>Far from it. He stuck to his last.</p> + +<p>"See here, ma man," he roared, in a voice that made the crowd jump, +"are ye for a ding on the side o' the heid?"</p> + +<p>Coaldust capitulated with alacrity.</p> + +<p>"No offence, 'Orace!" he remarked genially. "You an' me was always +pals. Put it there!" He extended an ebony hand, which Robin solemnly +shook and returned to his work.</p> + +<p>Whatever my three friends were up to, it is possible that they might +now have been left in peace for some time; for the crowd, seeing no +chance of further sport from Coaldust, began to melt away. But a fresh +character entered the scene to keep alive the nagging interest of the +drama.</p> + +<p>My first intimation that something new was afoot came from an +errand-boy on the edge of the crowd, who, addressing a lady or ladies +unseen, suddenly expressed a desire to be chased.</p> + +<p>All heads were now turned down the street, and there, approaching +with rather faltering steps, carrying a red cotton bundle and a tea-can, +I beheld—one of my sisters-in-law!</p> + +<p>Postulating Dicky, I presumed it was Dilly, and I began to piece +together in my mind the plot of this elaborate comedy. Evidently Dicky, +Robin, and Gerald had decided—for a bet, or because they were +dared, or possibly with a view to giving Champion's Bill a leg-up by a +practical demonstration of the crying need for it—to dress +themselves up as workmen and come and "do a turn," as they say in the +music halls, to the discomfort of his Majesty's lieges and the +congestion of traffic, upon some sufficiently busy thoroughfare for a +stated period of time.</p> + +<p>Certainly they were doing it rather well. They were admirably made +up,—Dicky was a past-master at that sort of thing,—and their +operations so far had been sufficiently like the genuine article to +impose upon the public in general,—if we except Champion and +Coaldust,—even to the point of securing the assistance of the +traffic-directing policeman.</p> + +<p>But alas! with that one step further, which is so often fatal to +great enterprises, they had sought to add a finishing touch of realism +to their impersonation by the inclusion of a little feminine interest; +and to that end Dilly had been added to the cast—or more likely +had added herself—in the <i>rôle</i> of a young person of humble +station bringing her affianced his tea.</p> + +<p>And, not for the first time in the history of man, it was the woman +who opened the door to disaster.</p> + +<p>Dilly wore a natty print dress—probably my +housemaid's—with a tartan shawl over her head. She had on her +thickest shoes, but they were woefully smart and thin for a girl of her +class. Moreover, her hair was beautifully arranged under the shawl, and +her hands—though she had had the sense to discard her ruby and +sapphire engagement-ring—were too white and her face was too clean +to lend conviction to her impersonation. In short, in her desire to +present a pleasing <i>tout ensemble</i>—an object in which I must +say she had succeeded to perfection—Dilly had utterly neglected +detail and histrionic accuracy.</p> + +<p>Evidently she was not expecting a gallery. Two highly-interested +concentric circles—one of people and one of dogs—round her +<i>fiancé's</i> encampment was rather more than she had bargained for. +She had emerged quite suddenly from a side street (which I knew led to a +shortcut from home) and now paused irresolutely a few yards away, +crimson to the roots of her hair, what time the errand-boy, with looks +of undisguised admiration, continued to reiterate his desire to be +pursued.</p> + +<p>The crowd all turned and stared at poor Dilly. Obviously they did not +know what to make of her. Possibly she was some one from the chorus of a +musical comedy going to be photographed, possibly she was merely "a bit +balmy," or possibly she was an advertisement for something, and would +begin to distribute hand-bills presently. So far, she merely looked as +if she wanted to cry.</p> + +<p>It was Robin who saw her first. He immediately stepped over his +newly-completed touch-line, and taking the spotted bundle and the +tea-can from her hands, conducted her ceremoniously within the magic +circle, saying, in a voice much more like his own than before—</p> + +<p>"Come away, lassie!"</p> + +<p>Dicky looked up from his labours at this, and beheld his +<i>fiancée</i> for the first time. All he said was—</p> + +<p>"By gad, you've done it after all! Bravo!"</p> + +<p>But Dilly did not appear to be at all gratified She merely sat on +Gerald's little mountain of paving-blocks, looking as if she could not +decide whether to throw her apron over her face and scream, or take a +header into the wigwam. My heart bled for her in spite of her folly. The +crowd, deeply interested and breathing hard, stood round waiting for the +performance to begin.</p> + +<p>It was Coaldust who took the lead.</p> + +<p>"Tip us a song and dance, Clara," he said encouragingly.</p> + +<p>Robin, who had been making a show of unfastening the bundle, suddenly +rose to his feet. Coaldust saw him.</p> + +<p>"All right, Carnegie," he remarked hurriedly. "No offence, ole +pal!"</p> + +<p>But Robin turned to Dicky, and the two held a hasty conversation, +whose nature I could guess. Dilly could not be exposed to this sort of +thing any longer. They began to put on their coats.</p> + +<p>"They are going to give it up," I said, not without relief. "About +time, isn't it? Do you recognise them, Champion?"</p> + +<p>But Champion, I found, was gone—probably to establish an +<i>alibi</i>. Perhaps he was right. Questions might be asked in the +House about this.</p> + +<p>When I turned again to the scene below I found that the crowd had +thickened considerably, and that the policeman had once more left the +traffic to congest itself, and joined in the game.</p> + +<p>"You must tell that young woman to move on," he said to Dicky, not +unkindly. "She's causin' a crowd to collect, and that's a thing she can +be give in charge for."</p> + +<p>"All right," said Dicky hurriedly, "we're all going."</p> + +<p>The policeman, struck by this sudden anxiety to oblige, became +suspicious.</p> + +<p>"All of you?" he said. "'Ow about this mess in the road?"</p> + +<p>Robin came to the rescue.</p> + +<p>"We'll be back presently and sort it," he said reassuringly.</p> + +<p>"Of course," said Dicky, pulling himself together. "Back in 'arf a +tick, governor!"</p> + +<p>"Don't you go callin' me names," said the policeman, as the +spectators indulged in happy laughter.</p> + +<p>"Sorry!—I mean, certainly!" said Dicky, getting flustered. (I +could see Robin glowering at him.) "We are just going down the street a +minute. This—er—girl has brought us a bit of bad news. +There's been an accident happened—er——"</p> + +<p>"To her puir old mither," put in Robin, whom I began to suspect of +rather enjoying this entertainment for its own sake.</p> + +<p>This heartrending piece of intelligence touched the crowd, and +Coaldust was instantly forward in proposing an informal vote of +condolence, which was seconded by a bare-armed lady in a deerstalker +cap. But the policeman, evidently roused by our friends' ill-judged and +precipitate attempt to strike camp, suddenly produced a pocket-book from +his tunic, and said—</p> + +<p>"It is my duty to take your names and addresses, together with the +name of the firm employing you."</p> + +<p>This announcement obviously disconcerted Dicky and Robin; for it is +one thing to take part in a masquerade, and another to get out of the +consequences thereof by cold-drawn lying.</p> + +<p>However, the policeman was sucking his pencil and waiting, so Dicky +said—</p> + +<p>"You can get all the information you want from the Borough +Surveyor."</p> + +<p>It was a bold effort, but the policeman merely said—</p> + +<p>"Your name, please!"</p> + +<p>Dicky, fairly cornered, replied—</p> + +<p>"Er—Samuel"—I thought at first he was going to say +"Inglethwaite," and was prepared to drop a flower-pot on his head if he +did; but he continued, with the air of one offering a real bargain at +the price—"Phillipps."</p> + +<p>"Two P's?" inquired the constable.</p> + +<p>"Three," said Dicky.</p> + +<p>The policeman rolled a threatening eye upon him.</p> + +<p>"Be careful!" he said in an awful voice.</p> + +<p>"One of them comes at the beginning," said Dicky meekly.</p> + +<p>"Haw, haw!" roared several people in the crowd, which was unfortunate +for Dicky. He was one of those people who would risk a kingdom to raise +a laugh.</p> + +<p>"Address?" continued the policeman.</p> + +<p>"Buck'nam Pallis!" shouted Coaldust, before any one else in the crowd +could say it.</p> + +<p>The policeman turned and directed upon him a look that would have +entirely obfuscated a soberer man.</p> + +<p>"I'll attend to you presently," he said in the exact tones which my +dentist employs when he shuts me into the waiting-room. "Now then, your +address? Come along!"</p> + +<p>Dicky gave some address which I did not catch, and the representative +of the law turned to Robin. The latter evidently saw rocks ahead if the +inquisition was to be extended to the whole party. He said—</p> + +<p>"Surely there is no need to take any more names."</p> + +<p>"I'll be responsible for the lot," added Dicky eagerly—too +eagerly. "Now let's be off! Come along Di—Liza!"</p> + +<p>He took Dilly by the arm, and, preceded by Gerald, began to press +through the crowd, which by this time extended almost right across the +street.</p> + +<p>But the now thoroughly aroused guardian of the peace, determined not +to be rushed like this, broke away from Robin, who was engaging him in +pleasant conversation, and, hastening after the retreating group, laid a +detaining and imperious hand on Dilly's arm.</p> + +<p>What happened next I was not quick enough to see. But there was a +swirl and a heave in the crowd, and presently Dicky became visible, +standing in a very heroic attitude with his arm round Dilly; while the +policeman, with an awe-inspiring deliberateness which implied "Now you +<i>have</i> gone and done it!" extricated himself majestically but +painfully from the chasm in the road which had recently been occupying +Dicky's attention, and into which Dicky in defence of his beloved had +apparently pushed him.</p> + +<p>Picking up his pocket-book and putting it back into his chest, and +uttering the single and awful word "<i>Assault!</i>" the policeman +produced a whistle and blew it.</p> + +<p>Things were certainly getting serious, and I had just decided to send +out the hotel porter to the policeman to tell him to bring his captives +inside out of the way of the crowd, when I noticed that Robin was +ploughing his way towards the outskirts of the throng, waving his arm as +he went. Then I saw that his objective was another policeman—an +Inspector this time. He was a gigantic creature, and Robin and he, +slowly forging towards each other through the surrounding sea of faces, +looked like two liners in a tideway.</p> + +<p>Robin's conduct in deliberately attracting the notice of yet another +representative of law and order appeared eccentric on the face of it, +but his subsequent behaviour was more peculiar still.</p> + +<p>He seized the newly-arrived giant by the arm, and drew him apart from +the crowd, where he told him something which appeared to amuse them both +considerably.</p> + +<p>"Yewmorous dialogue," announced Coaldust to his neighbours, "between +Cleopartrer's Needle and the Moniment!"</p> + +<p>But it was more than that,—it was deep calling to deep. +Presently the explanation, or the joke, or whatever it was, came to an +end, and the Inspector advanced threateningly upon the crowd.</p> + +<p>"Pass along, there, pass along!" he cried with a devastating sweep of +his arm. He spoke with a Highland accent, and I realised yet once more +the ubiquity of that great Mutual Benefit Society which has its +headquarters north of the Tweed.</p> + +<p>The crowd politely receded about six inches, and through them, +accompanied by Robin, the Inspector clove his way to the encampment, +where Dicky, who seemed to be rapidly losing his head, was delivering a +sort of recitative to every one in general, accompanied by the policeman +on the whistle.</p> + +<p>What the Inspector said to his subordinate I do not know, but the net +result was that in a very short time the former was escorting the entire +party of excavators down the street, attended by a retinue of small boys +(who were evidently determined to see if it was going to turn out a +hanging matter); while the latter, to whom the clearing of the "house" +had evidently been deputed, set about that task with a vigour and +ferocity which plainly indicated a well-meaning and zealous mind +tingling under an entirely undeserved official snub.</p> + +<br /> + +<p>They told me all about it in the smoking-room that night.</p> + +<p>"The idea," began Dicky, "was——"</p> + +<p>"Whose idea was it?" I inquired sternly "It was all of our idea," +replied my future relative by marriage lucidly.</p> + +<p>"But who worked it out?" I asked,—"the plot, the business, the +'props'? It was a most elaborate production."</p> + +<p>"Never you mind that, old man," said Dicky lightly. (But I saw that +Robin was laboriously relighting his pipe and surrounding himself with +an impenetrable cloud of smoke.) "Listen to the yarn. The idea was to +stake out a claim in some fairly busy road and stay there for a given +time—say, six o'clock till tea-time—and kid the passing +citizens that we were duly authorised to get in the way and mess up the +traffic generally. If we succeeded we were going to write to <i>The + Times</i> or some such paper and tell what we had +done—anonymously, of course—just to show how necessary +Champion's Bill is."</p> + +<p>"Have you written the letter?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"I wouldn't send it if I were you."</p> + +<p>"Well, that's what Robin here has been saying."</p> + +<p>"Putrid rot if we don't!" remarked Gerald, who had by this time +washed his face, but ought to have been in bed for all that.</p> + +<p>"We can't do it," said Robin. "For one thing, we have attracted quite +enough public attention already,—it's bound to be in the papers +anyhow, now, and that will probably give the Bill all the advertisement +it needs,—and if we give the authorities any more clues our names +may come out. For another thing, it wouldn't be fair to Hector +MacPherson."</p> + +<p>"Who is he?"</p> + +<p>"That Inspector who came up at the critical moment. He was one of my +first friends in London."</p> + +<p>"I remember. Go on."</p> + +<p>"I was thankful to see him, I can tell you. Well, he undertook to +square that poor bewildered bobby, and to take steps to get the road +cleared and the hole filled up."</p> + +<p>"How?"</p> + +<p>"There is a street being mended just round the corner, and he said he +would get the foreman of the gang, who is a relation of his wife's, to +send a couple of men to put things right immediately. It's probably done +by now."</p> + +<p>"Then I suppose we may regard the incident as closed."</p> + +<p>"Yes, I suppose so."</p> + +<p>There was a silence.</p> + +<p>"It was a bit of a failure at the finish," said Dicky meditatively, +"but it was a success on the whole—what?"</p> + +<p>"Rather!" said his fellow-conspirators.</p> + +<p>"Our chief difficulty," continued Dicky, "was to decide on the exact +type of drama to present. I was all for our dressing up as foreigners, +and relaying an asphalte street. It would have been top-hole to trot +about in list slippers and pat the hot asphalte down with those things +they use. And think of the make-up!—curly moustaches and earrings! +And we could have jabbered spoof Italian. But then old Robin here, who I +must say has a headpiece on him, pointed out that the scenery and props +would be much too expensive. We should want a cart with a bonfire in it +and a sort of witches' cauldron on top, and all kinds of sticky stuff; +so we gave up that scheme. We did not feel inclined to mess with +gas-pipes or electric wires either, in case we burst ourselves up; so we +finally decided to select some street with a wooden pavement, and maul +it about generally for as long as we could. If we got interfered with by +anybody official, we meant to talk some rot about the Borough Surveyor, +and skedaddle if necessary. But it all worked beautifully!"</p> + +<p>"Where did you get your tools and tent?"</p> + +<p>"Robin managed that," said Dicky admiringly.</p> + +<p>Robin looked extremely dour, and I refrained from further +inquiry.</p> + +<p>"Robin's got some rum pals, I <i>don't</i> think!" observed Gerald +pertinently.</p> + +<p>"Didn't I make these chaps up well?" continued Dicky +enthusiastically. "We roared when you passed us at breakfast-time +without spotting us."</p> + +<p>"Very creditable impersonation," I replied, getting up and knocking +my pipe out. "I only hope I shan't have to resign my seat over it. If I +may venture to offer a criticism, the weak spot in the enterprise was +the idea of inviting your lady friends to come and take tea with +you."</p> + +<p>"Just what I said all along, my boy," remarked the experienced +Gerald, wagging his head sagely. "That was what mucked up the show. +Wherever there's a petticoat there's trouble. Oh, I <i>warned</i> +them!"</p> + +<p>On my way up to bed I flushed Dilly from a window-seat on the +staircase, where she had evidently been lingering on the off-chance of a +supplementary good-night from Dicky.</p> + +<p>"Well?" I said severely.</p> + +<p>"Well?"</p> + +<p>"Do you know what time it is?"</p> + +<p>"I expect your wife will tell you that when you get upstairs," said +Dilly.</p> + +<p>I tried a fresh line.</p> + +<p>"After the labours of to-day, I should have thought you would have +been glad to go to bed," I said. "You imp!" And I laughed. There is +something very disarming about the Twins' misdemeanours.</p> + +<p>We turned and walked upstairs together, and paused outside Dilly's +door.</p> + +<p>"Good-night, Dilly," I said. "I admired your pluck."</p> + +<p>"It wasn't me," said Dilly, in a very small voice.</p> + +<p>"Not you?"</p> + +<p>"N-no. I said I would come, because Dicky said I daren't, and at the +last moment I funked it. (Adrian, I simply couldn't!) So Dolly went +instead."</p> + +<p>"Then that was Dolly all the time?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"And she went, just to—to——"</p> + +<p>"To save my face. She's a brick," said Dilly.</p> + +<p>This, by the way, was the first occasion on which I realised the +truth of Robin's dictum that Dilly and Dolly were girls of widely +different character.</p> + +<p>"And didn't the others recognise her?"</p> + +<p>"No. That's the best of it!"</p> + +<p>"Not Dicky?"</p> + +<p>"No."</p> + +<p>"Not even Robin? He is pretty hard to deceive, you know."</p> + +<p>"No, not even Robin. <i>None</i> of them know Good-night!"</p> + +<p>But she was wrong.</p> + +<hr /> + + +<h2><a name="chapter09" id="chapter09">CHAPTER NINE.</a></h2> + +<h3>THE POLICY OF THE CLOSED DOOR.</h3> + + +<p>Dilly's wedding took place the following summer, just before +Parliament rose, and the resources of our establishment were strained to +the uttermost to give her a fitting send-off.</p> + +<p>It is true that a noble relative, the head of my wife's family, +offered his house for the reception, but Dilly emphatically declined to +be married from any but mine, saying prettily that she would not leave +the roof under which she had lived so happily until the last possible +moment.</p> + +<p>Accordingly we made immense preparations. The drawing-room on the +first floor, accustomed though it was to accommodate congested and +half-stifled throngs of human beings, was deemed too small for the mob +of wedding-guests whom Kitty expected.</p> + +<p>"You see, dear," she explained, "we can squash up <i>good</i> people +as much as we like, because their clothes don't matter; but women in +wedding-frocks will be furious if they don't get enough elbow-room to +show themselves."</p> + +<p>Accordingly a marquee was erected in the garden at the back of the +house, opening into the dining-room through the French windows, and it +was arranged that Dicky and Dilly were to take their stand in the middle +of the same, what time the guests, having lubricated their utterance at +the <i>buffet</i> in the dining-room <i>en route</i>, filed past and +delivered their congratulations. After that the company was to overflow +into the garden, there to be moved by a concord of sweet sounds +emanating from a band of assassins in pseudo-Hungarian uniforms.</p> + +<p>"And if it rains," concluded Kitty desperately, "they must have an +overflow meeting in the basement—that's all!"</p> + +<p>My library, as I had feared, was appropriated for the presents, and +for several days I transacted the business of State at the +wash-hand-stand in my dressing-room, while a stream of callers, ranging +from the members of a Working Men's Club in which Dilly was fitfully +interested, down to an organisation of Kitty's whose exact title I can +never recall (but which Dicky, on first seeing them, immediately summed +up as "The Hundred Worst Women"), filed solemnly past rows of filigree +coffee-services, silver-backed hair-brushes, and art pen-wipers.</p> + +<p>Of the bride-elect I saw little, and when I did, she was usually +standing, in a state of considerable <i>déshabille</i>, amid a kneeling +group of myrmidons, who, with mouths filled with pins and brows seamed +with anxiety, were remorselessly building her into some edifice of +shimmering silk and filmy lace, oblivious of their victim's plaintive +intimations that she was fit to drop.</p> + +<p>Dicky invited Robin to be his best man, a proceeding which, while it +roused some surprise among those who were expecting him to fix upon a +friend of longer standing and greater distinction, showed his good +sense, for my secretary proved himself a model of organisation and +helpfulness. Although born and reared up in the straitest sect of some +Scottish denomination, about which I am unable to particularise beyond +the fact that they regarded the use of harmoniums in churches as "the +worship of men's feet," he betrayed a surprising knowledge of Anglican +ritual and stage effect.</p> + +<p>On the wedding morning, having left the bridegroom securely tucked up +in bed, under strict orders not to get up till he was called, Robin +personally conducted a select party of those interested—Dolly, +Dilly, another bridesmaid, and myself—to the church, where he +showed us the exact positions of our entrances and exits; and then +proceeded, with the assistance of Dolly, to plant hassocks about the +chancel in such a manner as to leave us no doubts as to the whereabouts +of our moorings (or "stances," as he called them) at the actual +ceremony.</p> + +<p>The party was reinforced at this point by the arrival of no less a +person than the bridegroom, who, having risen from his slumbers in +defiance of Robin's injunctions, was now proceeding to infringe the laws +of propriety by coming in search of his beloved four hours before he was +entitled to do so.</p> + +<p>However, as Dilly rather pessimistically pointed out, it was probably +the last time she would ever get a kind word out of him, so we gave them +ten minutes together in the porch, while Robin interviewed vergers and +Dolly intimidated perspiring persons with red carpets and +evergreens.</p> + +<p>On our return home Dilly was snatched away by a cloud of attendant +sprites, and we saw her no more until the time came for me to drive her +to the church. We heard of her, though; for as we sat at luncheon, +plying the bridegroom (who had collapsed after the complete and +inevitable fashion of his kind about twelve o'clock) with raw brandy, a +message came down from the upper regions, to the effect that Miss Dilly +would take a couple of veal cutlets and a glass of Burgundy, as she +wasn't going to be a pale bride if she could help it!</p> + +<p>However, this half-hysterical gaiety came to an end in the face of +reality, and in the carriage on the way to church poor Dilly wept +unrestrainedly on my shoulder. I mopped her up to the best of my +ability, but she was still sobbing when we reached the church door, to +find the six bridesmaids, together with Phillis (inordinately proud of +her office of train-bearer), preening themselves in the porch.</p> + +<p>It had been arranged that the organ should break into "The March of +the Priests," from 'Athalie'—Dicky's petition in favour of an +ecclesiastical rendering of "The Eton Boating Song" had been thrown out +with ignominy—as the bridal procession entered the nave. +Unfortunately the organ-loft was out of sight of the west door, by which +we were to enter, and the conveyance of the starting-signal to the +proper quarter at exactly the right moment was a matter of some +difficulty. However, Robin's gift for stage-management was sufficient to +meet the emergency. When all was ready Dolly calmly mounting the steps +of the font to an eminence which commanded a precarious but sufficient +view of the body of the church, briefly fluttered a scrap of lace +handkerchief, and then stepped demurely down into her place at the head +of the bridesmaids. Simultaneously the organ burst into the opening +strains of Mendelsohn's march—I suppose Robin had been waiting at +some point of vantage to pass the signal on—and we advanced up the +aisle, amid a general turning of heads and flutter of excitement.</p> + +<p>The church was packed. In the back pew I remember noticing three +young men with pads of flimsy paper and well-sucked pencils. I +distinctly caught sight of the words "Sacred edifice" in the nearest +MS., and I have no doubt the others contained it as well.</p> + +<p>But Dilly was still quaking on my arm, and the only other spectacle +which attracted my attention on the way up the aisle was that of my wife +(looking very like a bride herself, I thought), sitting in a front pew +with Master Gerald, that infant phenomenon shining resplendently in a +white waistcoat and a "buttonhole" which almost entirely obscured his +features. Then I caught sight of Robin's towering shoulders and the pale +face and glassy eye of the bridegroom, and I knew that we had brought +our horses to the water at last, and all that now remained to do was to +make them drink.</p> + +<p>The rest of the ceremony passed off with due impressiveness, if we +except a slight <i>contretemps</i> arising from the behaviour of my +daughter, who, suddenly remembering that the junior bridesmaid but one +had not yet passed any opinion on her new shoes, suddenly sat down on +the bride's train, and, thrusting the shoes into unmaidenly prominence, +audibly invited that giggling damsel's approbation of the same. However, +the ever-ready organ drowned her utterance with a timely Amen, and Dicky +and Dilly completed the plighting of their troth with becoming shyness +but obvious sincerity.</p> + +<p>Then came the inevitable orgy of osculation in the vestry, from which +I escaped with nothing worse, so to speak, than a few scratches, despite +an unprovoked and unexpected flank attack (when I was signing the +register) from an elderly female in bugles, whom I at first took to be a +rather giddy pew-opener, but who ultimately proved to be a maiden aunt +of the bridegroom's.</p> + +<p>After Dicky and Dilly—the latter miraculously restored to high +spirits and looking radiant—had passed smiling and blushing down +the aisle, to be received outside with breathless stares by a large +assemblage of that peculiar class of people—chiefly females of a +certain age—who seem to spend their lives in attending the +weddings of total strangers, we all got home, where there was much +champagne, and cake-cutting, and bride-kissing, and melody from the +aforementioned musicians in the garden.</p> + +<p>The presents—guarded with an air of studied aloofness by a +wooden-jointed detective, clad in garments of such festal splendour as +to delude several short-sighted old gentlemen into an impression that he +was the bridegroom—played their usual invaluable part in promoting +circulation among the guests, and supplying a topic for conversation. +They certainly sparkled and glittered bravely in the library, where the +blinds were drawn and the electric lamps turned on. (Kitty had seen to +that. Silver looks so well by artificial light, and so, by a happy and +unpremeditated coincidence, does the female sex.)</p> + +<p>The bride and bridegroom departed at last, amid a shower of rice, +with that emblem of conjugal felicity, the satin slipper, firmly +adhering to the back of the brougham. (Master Gerald had seen to +<i>that</i>.) Then the guests began to make their adieux and melt away, +and presently we found ourselves alone in the marquee, a prey to that +swift and penetrating melancholy that descends upon those who begin to +be festive too early in the day, and find themselves unable to keep it +up till bed-time.</p> + +<br /> + +<p>However, there was a recrudescence of activity and brightness in the +evening, as the idea of a small dance had been proposed and carried, and +the invitations issued and accepted, during the five minutes which +witnessed the departure of the more intimate section of the guests.</p> + +<p>When I returned from the House about midnight—I had gone there +chiefly to dine, as lobster claws and melted ices appeared to be the +only fare in prospect at home—tired to death, and conscious of an +incipient cold in the head, arising from forced residence in a house in +which hardly a door had been on its hinges for three days, I became +aware that I was once again the lessee of a cave of harmony.</p> + +<p>The pseudo-Hungarian assassins were pounding out the latest waltz, +with a disregard for time and tune which I at first attributed to +champagne, but which a closer survey proved to be due to the fact that +the band was being conducted, surprising as it may seem, by my +brother-in-law, who had kindly undertaken to wield the <i>bâton</i>, +while the Chief Tormentor (or whatever his proper title may have been) +charged himself anew at the refreshment counter. A popping of corks in +the supper-room apprised me of the fact that my guests were doing their +best, at my expense, to make the Excise Returns a more cheerful feature +of next year's Budget.</p> + +<p>I went upstairs in search of a white waistcoat and one or two other +necessary contributions to the festivity of the evening, picking my way +with the utmost care among the greatly-engrossed couples who impeded +every step; and finally arrived at my dressing-room, to find that that +hallowed apartment had been turned into a ladies' cloak-room, and that +every available article of furniture stood elbow-deep under some +attractive combination of furs and feathers.</p> + +<p>I unearthed the things I required, but lacked the courage to stay and +put them on. At any moment I might be invaded by a damsel who had met +with some mishap in the heat of the fray, and was now desirous, as they +say in the navy, of "executing repairs while under steam." I accordingly +left the room and mounted towards the top of the house. I had in my +mind's eye a snug little apartment, situated somewhere in the attics, +devoted chiefly to dressmaking operations, where I knew there was a +mirror, and I might complete my toilet in peace.</p> + +<p>With becoming modesty I penetrated to this haven by the back-stairs. +I had just reached the top, which was opposite the door in question, +when I heard voices. Evidently some one was coming up to this same +landing by the front stair.</p> + +<p>A man does not look his best when found creeping up his own +back-stairs with a white waistcoat in one hand and a pair of pumps in +the other, and I confess I retreated downwards and backwards a couple of +paces. The stair on which I stood was unlighted, and I had a good view +of the landing.</p> + +<p>The voices came nearer, and I could now hear the rustling of silks +and laces. Presently I recognised the voices, and immediately after this +their owners came into view, with their backs almost towards me.</p> + +<p>"This is the room I mean," said the man, indicating my goal.</p> + +<p>"That! All right! Only I don't see why you should drag me all the way +up here," said the girl. "There are much nicer sitting-out places +downstairs. Still, anything for a rest. Come on!"</p> + +<p>She entered the room, followed by her partner. I saw his broad back +for a moment as it filled the doorway. Then he turned in my direction +with his hand on the handle, and it seemed to me that he hesitated a +moment.</p> + +<p>Finally he shut the door firmly, and—I distinctly heard the key +turned in the lock.</p> + +<p>I went downstairs again.</p> + +<br /> + +<p>It was four o'clock in the morning. The last guest had gone, the +domestics had retired to their subterranean retreat, and the musicians +had all been booked through to Saffron Hill in one cab.</p> + +<p>The dawn was just breaking over the house-tops on the other side of +the square, and the sky was bathed in a curious heather-coloured +light—a sure sign of a wet day to come, said hill-bred Robin. We +stood out on the steps,—Kitty, Dolly, Robin, and I,—and +Kitty put her arm round her sister's waist. I knew she was thinking of +the absent Dilly.</p> + +<p>Behind us, in the hall, Master Gerald, completely surfeited with +about sixteen crowded hours of glorious life, lay fast asleep on a +settee.</p> + +<p>I looked curiously at Dolly as she leaned on her sister's shoulder. +She was half a head taller than Kitty, and as she stood there, rosily +flushed, in the dawn of her splendid womanhood, she might have stood for +the very goddess whose first rays were now falling on her upturned face +and glinting hair.</p> + +<p>Then I looked at Robin, towering beside her, and suddenly I felt a +little ashamed of myself.</p> + +<p>For to tell the truth I had been very unhappy that evening, and I had +been looking forward in a few minutes' time to unburdening myself to +Kitty about recent events. But as I surveyed Dolly and Robin, curiously +alike in their upright carriage and steady gaze, I suddenly realised +that such a pair could safely be trusted to steer their own course; and +I decided there and then not to communicate even to Kitty—my wife +and Dolly's sister—the knowledge of what I had seen that +night.</p> + +<p>Kitty turned impulsively to her sister.</p> + +<p>"After all, I've still got <i>you</i>, Dolly," she said.</p> + +<p>I took a furtive glance at Robin's inscrutable countenance.</p> + +<p>"I—<i>wonder</i>!" I said to myself.</p> + +<p>"What, dear?" said Kitty.</p> + +<p>"Nothing. I must carry this young ruffian up to bed, I suppose."</p> + +<p>Curiosity has been most unfairly ear-marked as the exclusive monopoly +of the female sex. But as I stumbled upstairs that night, bearing in my +arms the limp but stertorous carcase of my esteemed relative by +marriage, I could not help wondering (despite my efforts to put away +from me a matter which I had decided was not my business) exactly what +Robin <i>had</i> said to Dolly behind that locked door.</p> + +<hr /> + + +<h2><a name="chapter10" id="chapter10">CHAPTER TEN.</a></h2> + +<h3>ROBIN'S WAY OF DOING IT.</h3> + + +<p>What happened when Robin locked the door on himself and Dolly is now +set down here. Strictly speaking it ought to come later, but there is no +need to make a mystery about it. I have taken the account of the +proceedings mainly from the letter which Dolly wrote to Dilly three days +later.</p> + +<p>It would be useless to reproduce that document in full. In the first +place, it contains a good deal that is not only irrelevant but +absolutely incomprehensible. There is one mysterious passage, for +instance, occurring right in the middle of the letter, beginning, <i>To + turn the heel, knit to three beyond the seam-stitch, knit two together, + purl one, turn: then knit ten, knit two together, knit one, purl + one</i> ... introduced by an airy, "By the way, dear, before I +forget"——which appears to have no bearing on the context +whatever.</p> + +<p>In the second place, Dolly's literary style is as breathlessly devoid +of punctuation as that of most of her sex. Commas and notes of +interrogation form her chief stock-in-trade, though underlining is +freely employed. There is not a single full-stop from start to finish. +The extracts from the letter here reproduced have been edited by me. +Other details of the incident have been tactfully extracted by Kitty and +myself—chiefly Kitty, I must confess—from the principals +themselves, and the whole is now offered to the public, unabridged, with +marginal comments, for the first time.</p> + +<br /> + +<p>On entering the little room on the landing Dolly dropped on to a +shabby but comfortable old sofa behind the door, and said, with a +contented sigh—</p> + +<p>"I'm so tired, Robin. Aren't you? Let's sit down and not talk till +it's time to go downstairs again. It's—Robin, what <i>are</i> you +doing?"</p> + +<p>Robin was locking the door.</p> + +<p>That operation completed, he turned and looked round the little room. +There was an arm-chair in the corner, but he came and sat down on the +sofa beside Dolly. Dolly gazed at him dumbly.</p> + +<blockquote> + <p>"He looked so utterly grim and determined" [says the + letter], "that my heart began to bump in a perfectly fatuous way. I + felt like a woman who is going to be murdered in a railway tunnel.</p> + + <p>"He sat down, and one of his huge hands was suddenly stretched + towards me, and I thought at first he was trying to grab one of mine. + I did my best to edge away along the sofa, but I was up against the + end already.</p> + + <p>"Then his hand opened, and something dropped into my lap. It was + the key of the door.</p> + + <p>"'I have locked it,' he said, 'not with any intention of keeping + you in, but in the hope of keeping other people out. You are perfectly + free to get up and go whenever you please, if you don't wish to listen + to what I have to say.'</p> + + <p>"Well, dear, I suppose I ought to have risen to my full height, + and, with a few superb gestures of haughty contempt, have swept + majestically from the room. But—I didn't! I saw I was in for + another proposal, and as the man couldn't eat me I decided to let him + do his worst.</p> + + <p>"It was a weird proposal, though." [<i>Spelt 'wierd.'</i>] "It + wasn't exactly what he said, because one is never surprised at + anything a man may say when he is proposing; but the way he said it. + All men say pretty much the same thing in the end, but most of them + are so <i>horribly</i> nervous that they simply don't know what + they're talking about for the first five minutes or so. (Do you + remember poor little Algy Brock? He was nearly <i>crying</i> all the + time. At least he was with me, and I suppose he was with you too.) But + Robin might have been having a chat with his solicitor the way he + behaved. I'll tell you ..."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>Robin apparently began by telling Dolly, quite simply and plainly, +that he loved her. Then he gave a brief outline of the history of his +affection. It had begun at the very beginning of things, he said, almost +as soon as he discovered that he could distinguish Dolly from Dilly +without the aid of the brown spot. "And that was after I had been in the +house just three days," he added.</p> + +<p>For some time, it appeared, he had been content to be pleasantly in +love. He enjoyed Dolly's society when it came his way, but with native +caution he had taken care to avoid seeking too much of it in case he +should gradually find himself unable to do without it.</p> + +<p>"I saw from the first," he said, "that you were entirely unconscious +of my feelings towards you; and I would not have had it otherwise. If I +was to succeed at all it must be as an acquired taste; and acquired +tastes, as you know, are best formed unconsciously."</p> + +<p>Dolly nodded to show her detached appreciation of the soundness of +this point.</p> + +<p>"I permitted myself one indulgence," Robin continued. "I dedicated a +book to you."</p> + +<p>"O-oh!" said Dolly, genuinely interested. "Was that me? Dilly and I +thought it must be a girl in Scotland."</p> + +<p>Then she realised that this was a step down from her pedestal of +aloofness, and was silent again. Robin went on—</p> + +<p>"Yes, it was you. It was a sentimental thing to do, but it afforded +me immense pleasure. Love lives more on the homage it pays than that +which it receives. Have you noticed that?"</p> + +<p>"I have never thought about it," said Dolly distantly.</p> + +<p>"I thought not," replied Robin; "because it shows, what I have always +been tolerably certain of, that you have never been in love. However, to +resume." [<i>"Like a lecture on Greek Roots, or something equally + fusty,"</i> observes Dolly at this point.] "The time came, as it was +bound to come, when I realised that I must tell you I loved +you"——</p> + +<blockquote> + <p>"I rather like the way he always said <i>'love'</i> straight + out," comments Dolly: "most men are so frightened of it. + They say 'am fond of' or 'care for' or something feeble + like that. All except the curate with pink eyes. (You + remember him? Dora Claverton took him afterwards on + the rebound.) He said 'esteem highly' I think."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="noindent">——"or leave this house altogether. But +before doing that I had to decide two things: firstly, whether I was +good enough for you, and secondly, if not now, whether I ever should +be."</p> + +<p>Dolly's half-closed eyes opened a trifle wider. This was certainly a +methodically-minded young man.</p> + +<p>"It was difficult to decide the first question in practice," +continued Robin. "In theory, of course, any man who is a +<i>man</i>—honest, clean, and kind—is a fitting mate for any +woman. Don't you think so?"</p> + +<p>"No," said Dolly.</p> + +<p>"I see," said Robin gently. "The theoretical is mainly the man's +point of view: woman looks straight to practical results. She is rather +inclined to take the virtues I have mentioned for granted, or do without +them; and she founds her opinion of a man almost solely upon his +capacity for boring her or stimulating her. In other words, she is +guided by her instinct. Isn't she?"</p> + +<p>"Is she?" said Dolly, determined this time to maintain her attitude +of indifference.</p> + +<p>"I think so," said Robin. "However, knowing how impossible it is for +one sex to look at a matter from the point of view of another, I decided +to stick to my own methods. So I made a summary of my points, good and +bad. They are these: I am strong and healthy; I possess an appetite for +hard work; I was born with brains; I have considerable capacity for +organisation——"</p> + +<p>"Some people have a good conceit of themselves!" said Dolly.</p> + +<p>"<i>Every</i> one should have," replied Robin with conviction. "And," +he added, "most of us have. <i>I</i> have—<i>you</i> have!"</p> + +<p>"Oh!" said Dolly indignantly.</p> + +<p>"But a man may have a good conceit of himself," Robin continued +soothingly, "without being what the world calls conceited. Modesty +consists not in taking a low estimate of one's own worth, but in +refraining from the expectation that the world will take a high +one."</p> + +<p>Dolly nodded gravely.</p> + +<p>"I see," she said. "I didn't know you meant that. Yes, there is +something in what you say."</p> + +<p>"I thank you," said Robin. "It is very helpful to me to get this +courteous hearing from you; for to tell you the truth," he added rather +explosively, "I find it a very, very great effort to speak to you like +this at all. You see, I am talking of things that go right to the centre +of the human heart—things that a man never speaks of to a man, and +only once to a woman. It has to be done, but it is hard, hard!"</p> + +<p>He drew a long breath, in a manner which made the sofa tremble; and +Dolly suddenly realised the height and depth of the barrier of reserve +and pride that this grave and undemonstrative man had had to break down +before he could offer her the view of his inmost soul to which he +considered that she was entitled. She felt a sudden pang of awe, mingled +with compassionate sympathy. She was not given to wearing her heart on +her sleeve herself.</p> + +<p>"Well," continued Robin, evidently relieved by this little +confession, "those are my assets. On the other hand, I have no money, no +position—I will not say no birth, for I come of good, honest +stock—and my prospects are at present in the clouds. But to one +type of wife all that would not matter a scrap. There are two types, you +know—two types of <i>good</i> wife, that is."</p> + +<blockquote> + <p>"I would have given worlds," says Dolly here, "just + to have said 'Oh!' or something; but for the life of + me I couldn't help asking what the two types were."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>"The first," said Robin, "is the wife who loves her husband because +she is proud of him, because he is successful and powerful, and people +admire him; and not because she has any conception of or sympathy with +the qualities which have made him what he is. To such a one the husband +must come with his reputation ready made, and they will enjoy it +together. The other type loves her husband because she sees through him, +yet believes in him and sympathises with his aims, and intends to make a +success of him. And she usually does."</p> + +<p>"And which am I?" inquired Dolly.</p> + +<p>"The latter, undoubtedly—the higher type. And therefore, if +there had been nothing else in the way, I think I should have given +myself the benefit of the doubt. But——"</p> + +<blockquote> + <p>"He turned and looked at me here," writes Dolly, + and said—</p> + + <p>"'But your feminine instinct is chafing against all this laborious + weighing of pros and cons. In your own mind you summed up the + situation ten minutes ago. I am—"impossible." Isn't that + it?'</p> + + <p>"My <i>dear</i>, I nearly <i>screamed</i>, for of course that is + just what was in my mind. But I couldn't very well say so, so I just + sat there and looked rather idiotic and he went on—</p> + + <p>"'In other words, I am not quite a gentleman.'</p> + + <p>"Then I said quite suddenly—</p> + + <p>"'Robin, whatever else you may be, you <i>are</i> a gentleman.'</p> + + <p>"He got quite pink. 'Thank you,' he said. 'But for all that, I am + too rough a suitor for such a polished little aristocrat as yourself.' + (Rather cheek, that! After all, Dilly, we're five feet seven.) 'We + live in an artificial sort of world; and a man, in order not to jar on + those around him, requires certain social accomplishments. I have + few—at present. You have taught me a great deal, but I should + still rather discredit you as a husband. My want of polish would + 'affront' you, as we say in Scotland. I am a better beater than shot; + I can break a horse better than I can ride it; and I dance a reel + better than I waltz. I have strength, but no grace; ability, but no + distinction. Of course, if you and I really loved each other—you + being of Type Two—none of these things would matter. But for all + that, it would hurt you to see people smiling at your husband's little + <i>gaucheries</i>, wouldn't it?'</p> + + <p>"I didn't answer, and he got up and went and leaned against the + mantelpiece.</p> + + <p>"'Listen,' he said, 'and I will tell you what I have decided to do. + I have made up my mind not to have a try for you—badly though I + want it—till I consider that I have reached your standard. I + fixed that standard myself, so it is a very, very high one, I have + been schooling myself and shaping myself to attain it ever since I met + you. But I have not quite reached it yet, and therefore I have nothing + to ask of you now.'"</p> + </blockquote> + +<p>"Then what on earth have you brought me here for?" inquired Dolly, +feeling vaguely aggrieved.</p> + +<p>Robin surveyed her rather wistfully, and then smiled in a disarming +fashion.</p> + +<p>"That was weakness," he said, "sheer weakness. But I think it was +pardonable. I saw, now that your sister was married, that the days of +your old irresponsible flirtations were over, and that you would +henceforth regard proposals of marriage as much more serious things than +hitherto. Consequently you might marry any day, without ever knowing +that a little later on you would have received an offer from me. I have +brought you here, then, to tell you that I am a prospective candidate, +but that I do not feel qualified to put down my name at present. Ideally +speaking, I ought to have kept silence until the moment when I +considered that I was ready for you; but—well, there are limits to +self-repression, and I have allowed myself this one little outbreak. All +I ask, then, is that in considering other offers you will bear somewhere +in the back of your mind the remembrance that you will, if you desire +it, one day have the refusal of me. I admit that the possibility of your +being influenced by the recollection is very remote, but I am going to +leave nothing undone that <i>can</i> be done to get you."</p> + +<blockquote> + <p>"By this time," Dolly continues elegantly, "I was getting + considerably flummoxed. The whole business was + very absurd and uncomfortable, but I couldn't help feeling + rather complimented at the way he evidently regarded + me—as a sort of little tin goddess on a pedestal out of + reach, being asked to be so good as to stand still a + moment while Robin went to hunt for the steps—and I + also felt a little bit afraid of him. He was so quiet and + determined over it all. He seemed to have it all mapped + out in a kind of time-table inside him. However, I + pulled myself together and decided to contribute my + share to the conversation. I hadn't had much of a look + in, so far.</p> + + <p>"So I settled down to talk to him like a mother. I + began by saying that I was very much obliged and + honoured, and all that, but that he had better put the + idea out of his head once and for all. I liked him very + much, and had always regarded him as a great friend, quite + one of the family—you know the sort of stuff—but——</p> + + <p>"It was no good. He held up his hand like a policeman + at a crossing, and said—</p> + + <p>"'Please say nothing. I have asked you no question + of any kind, so no answer is required. All that I have + said to-night has been in the nature of an <i>intimation</i>.' + (O-h! how like church!)</p> + + <p>"Then he sat down on the sofa beside me, very gently, + and said—</p> + + <p>"'The intimation in brief is this. I love you; and + some day, please God, I shall ask you to marry me. + But not until I feel that you would lose nothing by + doing so.'</p> + + <p>"We both sat very still for a few minutes after that. + I fancy we were both doing a little thinking. My chief + reflection was that Robin had had rather the better of the + interview, because he had made me listen to him when + I was determined not to. Suddenly Robin said—</p> + + <p>"'Now that the business part of this conversation is + over, I am going to allow myself a luxury. I have been + talking most of the time about myself. For just five + minutes I shall talk about you. I will tell you what I + think of you.'</p> + + <p>"He looked at his watch and began. Dilly, I had no + idea I had so many good points! He put them better + than any man has ever done before. But then the other + men were always so jumbled up, and this creature was as + cool and collected as if he were reading a Stores Catalogue.</p> + + <p>"But he let himself go at last. It was my fault, though. + I was in rather a twitter by this time, for although the + whole thing was simply absurd—of course one couldn't + marry a wild untamed creature like that, <i>could</i> one, Dilly?—I + couldn't help seeing what a man he was, and feeling + sorry that things couldn't have been a bit different, if + only for his sake. So I gave him my hand" [I can + see her do it] "and said: 'Poor old Robin!'</p> + + <p>"He <i>seized</i> it—my child, it has waggled like a blanc-mange + ever since!—and kissed it. Then, quite suddenly, + he broke out into a sort of rhapsody-like <i>'The Song of + Solomon,'</i> only nicer—with his head bowed over my hands. + (He had got hold of the other one too, by this time.) I + felt perfectly helpless, so I let him run on. I shan't tell + you what he said, dear, because it wouldn't be cricket. + Anyhow, a perfectly idiotic tear suddenly rolled down my + nose—after all, I had had a <i>fearfully</i> long day—and I + tried to pull my hands away. Robin let them go at once.</p> + + <p>"'You are right. The time for such things is not yet,' + he said, in a queer Biblical sort of way. 'It was a sudden + weakness on my part. I had not meant it, you may be + sure.'</p> + + <p>"The only thing I <i>am</i> sure about," I said, feeling + thoroughly vexed about the tear, "is that we have been + in this room nearly an hour. Please unlock the door.</p> + + <p>"Then we went downstairs."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>After that follow one or two postscripts of a reflective nature, the +general trend of which seems to indicate that Robin is rather a dear, +but quite impossible.</p> + +<br /> + +<p>"A flippant and unfeeling letter," you say, sir? Perhaps. But there +is often no reserve so deep or so delicate as that which is veiled by a +frivolous exterior and a mocking attitude towards sentiment in general. +Some sensitive people are so afraid of having their hearts dragged to +light that, to escape inquisition, they pretend they do not possess any. +Moreover, I know Dolly well enough to be certain that she was not quite +so brutally unkind to Robin during this interview as she would have us +believe.</p> + +<p>"The blundering creature! He went about it in <i>quite</i> the wrong +way," you say, madam? Very likely. But if a woman only took a man when +he went about it in exactly the right way, how very few marriages there +would be!</p> + +<hr /> + + +<h2>BOOK TWO.</h2> + +<h3>THE FINISHED ARTICLE</h3> + +<hr /> + + +<h2><a name="chapter11" id="chapter11">CHAPTER ELEVEN.</a></h2> + +<h3>A MISFIRE.</h3> + +<h4>I.</h4> + + +<p>There is an undefinable character and distinctiveness about Sunday +morning which is not possessed by any other day of the week.</p> + +<p>Not that the remaining six are lacking in individuality. Monday is a +depressed and reluctant individual; Tuesday is a full-blooded and +energetic citizen; Wednesday a cheerful and contented gentleman who does +not intend to overwork himself to-day,—this is probably due to the +fact that we used to have a half-holiday on Wednesdays at school; and +when I got into Parliament I found that the same rule held there; +Thursday I regard as one who ploughs steadily on his way, lacking +enthusiasm but comfortably conscious of a second wind; Friday is a +debilitated but hopeful toiler, whose sole joy in his work lies in +anticipating its speedy conclusion; and Saturday is a radiant fellow +with a straw hat and a week-end bag.</p> + +<p>Still, one week-day is very like another at waking time. My mental +vision, never pellucid, is in its most opaque condition in the early +grey of the morning; and at Oxford, I remember, I found it necessary to +instruct my scout to rouse me from slumber in some such fashion as this: +"Eight o'clock on Thursday mornin', sir!" (as if I had slept since +Monday at least), or "'Alf-past nine, slight rain, and a Toosday, +sir!"</p> + +<p>However, no one was ever yet needed to inform me that it was Sunday +morning. This is perhaps natural enough in town, where the silence of +the streets and the sound of bells proclaim the day; but why the same +phenomenon should occur in the middle of a Highland moor, where every +day is one glorious open-air Sabbath, passes my comprehension.</p> + +<p>I discussed the problem after breakfast as I sat and smoked my pipe +in the heathery garden of Strathmyrtle, a shooting-lodge at which we +were being hospitably entertained by Kitty's uncle, Sir John Rubislaw, a +retired Admiral of the Fleet, whose forty years' official connection +with Britannia's realm betrayed itself in a nautical roll, syncopated by +gout, and what I may describe as a hurricane-deck voice. My three +companions in the debate were my host, Master Gerald, and another guest +in the house, one Dermott, an officer in a Highland regiment.</p> + +<p>The Admiral ascribed my Sabbath intuition to the working of some +inward and automatic monitor; while Dermott, among whose many sterling +qualities delicate fancy was not included, put it down to the smell of +some special dish indigenous to Sunday breakfast. My brother-in-law's +contribution to the debate was an unseemly and irreverent parallel +between Saturday night potations and Sunday morning "heads."</p> + +<p>To us entered Dolly and Phillis.</p> + +<p>Our hostess, together with Kitty and the other girl of the +party—an American young lady of considerable personal +attractions—had driven off to church in what is locally called a +"machine." The duties of escort had been voluntarily undertaken by an +undergraduate named Standish, who was the latest recruit to the American +young lady's army of worshippers. The rest of us had stayed at +home—the Admiral because he not infrequently did so; I because I +was expecting Robin back by the "machine" (which was to pick him up at a +wayside station, where he had been sitting on his portmanteau ever since +six o'clock that morning, having been dropped there by the night mail +from London), and was anticipating two or three hours' solid work with +him; Gerald because he had succeeded in evading his eldest sister's eye +during the search for church recruits; Dolly to look after Phillis; and +Captain Dermott for reasons not unconnected with Dolly.</p> + +<p>It was Phillis's birthday, but out of consideration for Scottish +views on Sabbath observance the festivities in connection with that +anniversary had been postponed until the morrow. However, this did not +prevent my daughter from demanding (and obtaining) various special +privileges of an unofficial character this hot Sunday morning. +Consequently a spiritually willing but carnally incompetent band, +consisting of one jovial but arthritic baronet, one docile but +self-conscious warrior, one indulgent but overheated parent, and +Dolly—Gerald stood scornfully aloof—were compelled to devote +the next two hours to a series of games, stage-plays, and allegories of +an innocuous but exhausting description.</p> + +<p>We began by joining hands and walking in a circle, solemnly chanting +a ditty of the "I-saw-a-ship-a-sailing" variety, which culminated in the +following verse—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + <div class="quote">"Then three times round went that gallant ship,</div> + <div class="in1">Then three times round went she;</div> + <div>Then three times round went that gallant ship—</div> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">(Here we were commanded by the mistress of the +revels, in a hoarse and hurried stage whisper, to be ready to fall +down)</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + <div>—And sank to the bottom—of—the—sea!"</div> +</div> +</div> + +<p>"Now all fall down!" screamed Phillis.</p> + +<p>We did so, and lay on the grass in serried heaps. The remark which +the Admiral made when my left elbow descended upon his goutiest foot was +fortunately obscured by the fact that his face was inside his hat at the +moment.</p> + +<p>After that we performed the "most lamentable comedy" of "The Three +Bears." Phillis assigned the parts, reserving for herself the +<i>rôle</i> of Curly Locks and Stage Manager. Dolly was cast for Mother +Bear, Captain Dermott for Father Bear, and I for Baby Bear. The Admiral, +at his own urgent request, was allotted the comparatively unimportant +part of Baby Bear's bed, and sat nursing his foot and observing with +keen relish the preparations of the Bear family for their morning walk. +We set out at last, all three on our hands and knees, Dolly and Dermott +crawling amicably side by side, heroically regardless of white skirt and +Sunday sporran; I, as befitted my youth and station, bringing up the +rear.</p> + +<p>The Bears having vacated their domicile (the grass plot), Curly +Locks, after much furtive peeping round bushes, entered and advanced to +the rustic table, where she proceeded to test the contents of the +various porridge-bowls (represented by two tobacco-pouches and an +ash-tray respectively).</p> + +<p>"Too hot!" she said, after sampling the first bowl.</p> + +<p>"Too cold!" she continued, trying the next.</p> + +<p>"A-a-ah!" she cried, coming to the third; and swallowed its contents +(some heather-tops) with every appearance of enjoyment.</p> + +<p>After that came the inspection of the beds (two sofa-cushions and the +Admiral), and finally Curly Locks retired to rest on her grand-uncle's +knee.</p> + +<p>Then the Three Bears came painfully back from the shrubbery, and +Curly Locks' acts of spoliation were revealed one by one. My assumption +of grief on the discovery of my empty porridge-bowl was so realistic +that the Stage Manager sat up in bed and commended me for it. Finally we +went the round of the furniture; Curly Locks was duly discovered; and I +was engaged in a life-and-death struggle for her shrieking person with +the bed itself, when there was a crunching of gravel, and the "machine" +drove up with Robin inside it.</p> + +<p>After my secretary had greeted those of us whom he knew, and been +interrupted in the middle of a rapturous embrace from Phillis to be +introduced to those whom he did not, I took him off indoors for a meal, +through the breakfast-room window, and opened the portfolio of +correspondence which he had brought me from London.</p> + +<p>"Hallo! Here is a letter for Dermott," I said. "I'll take it to +him."</p> + +<p>I stepped through the window and handed the letter to Dermott, who +was falling into line for a fresh game just outside.</p> + +<p>"That envelope looks terribly official," said Dolly. "What does it +all mean?"</p> + +<p>"I expect it means Aldershot," said Dermott ruefully. "However, I +shan't open it till lunch-time." And he stuffed the offending epistle +into his pocket, and returned to the game in hand with a zest and +abandon that betrayed ulterior motives in every antic.</p> + +<p>We had seen a good deal of Captain Dermott that summer. Somehow he +had been in nearly every house we had visited; and his laborious +expressions of pleased surprise at meeting us there had now given way to +specious and transparent explanations of his own presence. The experts +at countless tea-tables and shooting-lunches were practically unanimous +in the opinion that Dolly could land her fish when she chose now; and as +the fish was a good fellow, and could offer her three thousand a-year +and the reflected glory of a D.S.O., it was generally conceded that my +youngest sister-in-law—have I ever mentioned that Dolly was the +junior Twin?—was about to do extremely well for herself.</p> + +<p>I sat by Robin as he consumed his breakfast, and waded through my +correspondence. There was a good deal to sign and a good deal to digest, +and a good deal that was of no importance whatsoever. But the +<i>clou</i> of the whole budget was contained in a private letter from +my Chief. I read it.</p> + +<p>"My word, Robin!" I said. "There's to be a Dissolution in +January."</p> + +<p>There was no answer, and I looked up.</p> + +<p>Robin was not listening. His attention had wandered to the game in +progress on the lawn. This was one of Phillis' most cherished pastimes, +and was called "Beckoning." The players, except the person who for the +time being filled the <i>rôle</i> of "It," stood patiently in a row, +until "It," after mature consideration, beckoned invitingly to one of +them to approach. This invitation might or might not be a genuine one, +for sometimes the player on responding was received by the beckoner with +hisses and other symptoms of distaste, and fell back ignominiously on +the main body. But if you were the <i>real</i> object of the beckoner's +affections, you were greeted with embraces and a cry of "I choose you!" +and succeeded to the proud post of "It."</p> + +<p>It was a simple but embarrassing game, calling for the exercise of +considerable tact when played by adults. At the present moment Phillis +was beckoner, while Dolly, Dermott, and the Admiral stood meekly in line +awaiting selection. Dolly and the Admiral were each called without being +chosen, and Phillis's final selection proved to be Dermott, who, having +received an enthusiastic salute from the retiring president, now stood +sheepishly on one leg surveying the expectant trio before him.</p> + +<p>He began by beckoning to his host; and, having relieved that +gentleman's apprehensions by sibilant noises, waggled a nervous finger +at Dolly. Dolly advanced obediently.</p> + +<p>"Choose her, if you like," said Phillis magnanimously.</p> + +<p>Dermott's martial eye kindled, but he made no sign, and the game +faltered in its stride for a moment.</p> + +<p>"Say," interpolated the prompter, "'I choose you!' and then +k——"</p> + +<p>But Dermott, hastily emitting a hiss which must have cost him a +heartrending effort, relegated the greatly relieved Dolly to the ranks, +and smoothed over the situation by "choosing" my daughter, to that young +person's undisguised gratification.</p> + +<p>It was at this phase in the proceedings that Robin's attention began +to wander from the affairs of State, and I had to repeat my news of the +impending Dissolution to him twice before he grasped its full +significance. Even then he displayed about one-tenth of the excitement I +should have expected of him; and finally he admitted that he was +somewhat <i>dérangé</i> after his night journey, and suggested a +postponement of business in favour of a little recreation on the +lawn.</p> + +<p>We accordingly added ourselves to the party, just in time to join the +cast of Phillis' next production. This was an ambitious but complicated +drama of an allegorical type, in which Robin appeared—not for the +first time, evidently—as a boy called Henry, and Phillis doubled +the parts of Henry's mother and a fairy. These two <i>rôles</i> absorbed +practically the whole of what is professionally known as "the fat" of +the piece, and the other members of the company were relegated—to +their ill-disguised relief—to parts of purely nominal +importance.</p> + +<p>The curtain rose (if I may use the expression) upon Henry's humble +home, where Henry was discovered partaking of breakfast (fir-cones). He +complained bitterly to his mother of the hardship of <i>(a)</i> early +rising, <i>(b)</i> going to school, and <i>(c)</i> enduring chastisement +when he got there. The next scene revealed him in class, where the +schoolmaster (Dolly, assiduously prompted by Phillis) asked him a +series of questions, which he answered so incorrectly as to incur the +extreme penalty of "the muckle tawse." (Here what textual critics term +"internal evidence of a later hand" peeped out unmistakably.) The +punishment having been duly inflicted by Dolly with a rug-strap, Henry +retired, suffused with tears, to "a mountain-top," where he gave vent to +a series of bitter reflections on the hardness of his lot and the +hollowness of life in general.</p> + +<p>He must have "gagged" unduly here, for presently he was cut short by +a stern admonition to "wish for a fairy."</p> + +<p>"I wish for a fairy," said Henry dutifully.</p> + +<p>Phillis, given her cue at last, pirouetted before him with +outstretched skirts.</p> + +<p>"Go on!" she whispered excitedly. "Say, 'I wish that all Pain was +Pleasure and all Pleasure Pain.'"</p> + +<p>"Oh, sorry!" said Henry. "I wish that all Pain was Pleasure and +Pleasure Pain."</p> + +<p>"Have then thy wish!" announced the fairy solemnly, and fluttered +away.</p> + +<p>The drama thereafter pursued a remorselessly logical and improving +course. Having got his wish, the luckless Henry found that his only +moments of pleasure were those during which he was enduring the tawse, +getting out of bed on a cold morning, or doing something equally +unpleasant. On the other hand, his comfortable bed had become so painful +that he could only obtain rest by filling it with stones; and his +matutinal porridge was only made palatable by the addition of a handful +of gravel.</p> + +<p>After a fruitless interview with the family physician (Captain +Dermott), in which the patient's mother set forth her offspring's +symptoms with embarrassing frankness, Henry was compelled, as a last +resort, to pay one more visit to the mountain-top. The indulgent fairy +kindly agreed to put things right, but only under penalty of an +improving homily on contentment with one's lot and the fatuity of asking +for what you do not really want. This was only half finished when the +party returned from church, and Phillis, realising that the absolute +despotism of the last few hours would now be watered down by an +unsentimental mother into a limited monarchy at the best, retired within +her shell and declared the revels at an end.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>II.</h4> + + +<p>"What was the church like?" I inquired at lunch.</p> + +<p>"I have witnessed more snappy entertainments," remarked Miss Buncle, +the American girl, through her pretty nose. "Still, we smiled some. Mr +Standish here got quite delirious when the minister prayed for 'the +adjacent country of England, which, as Thou knowest, O Lord, lies some +twa hundred miles to the sooth of us,'—I'm sorry I can't talk +Scotch, Mr Fordyce,—as if he was afraid that Providence might mail +the blessing to the wrong address and Iceland would get it."</p> + +<p>Kitty broke in upon Miss Buncle's reminiscences.</p> + +<p>"Who do you think we saw in church?" she said. "I nearly forgot to +tell you. Your uncle, Robin—Sir James Fordyce!"</p> + +<p>Robin nodded his head in a confirmatory way.</p> + +<p>"He is often up here at this time of year," he said.</p> + +<p>"He has friends here, perhaps?" said I.</p> + +<p>"Oh yes; he has friends."</p> + +<p>I could tell from Robin's voice that he was nursing some immense +joke, but he betrayed no inclination to share it with us. Kitty went +on.</p> + +<p>"He was sitting in a pew with some farmery-looking people. There was +a patriarchal old man, very stately and imposing, rather +like—like——"</p> + +<p>"Moses?" I suggested.</p> + +<p>"No. I don't <i>think</i> Moses was like that."</p> + +<p>I had got as far as 'Aar'—when Lady Rubislaw said—</p> + +<p>"Elijah?"</p> + +<p>"That's it," replied Kitty. "<i>Just</i> like Elijah." (All things +considered, I cannot imagine why Moses would not have done as well.) +"Then beside him was a perfectly dear old lady. Not so very old either; +say sixty. Of course they may not have belonged to Sir James at all: he +may just have been put in their pew. Still, they kept handing him +Bibles, and looking up places for him at singing time."</p> + +<p>"That means nothing," said I. "It's the merest courtesy here."</p> + +<p>"True," said our hostess. "I was having a most lovely little doze +during the Second Lesson, or whatever they call it, when a most +officious young woman three or four pews away took up an enormous Bible, +found the place, squeaked down the aisle, and thrust it under my nose. I +had to hold it up for fifty-seven verses," she concluded +pathetically.</p> + +<p>"Did you go and speak to Sir James after the service?" I +inquired.</p> + +<p>"No. That was <i>this</i> child's fault," said Kitty, indicating Miss +Buncle.</p> + +<p>"How?"</p> + +<p>"Well, there was a rather gorgeous-looking chieftain sort of person +sitting in a front pew, and I saw Maimie twisting her head all during +the service to look at him."</p> + +<p>"Yes," admitted the culprit frankly. "Put me in the neighbourhood of +a kilt, and I'm a common rubberneck straight away, Mr Inglethwaite. I'm +just mad to know all those cunning tartans by heart."</p> + +<p>"The moment the service was over," continued my wife severely, "I saw +her edging through the crowd in the churchyard towards the chieftain. +For a moment I thought she was going to ask him his name."</p> + +<p>"I <i>wasn't</i>!" declared Miss Buncle indignantly.</p> + +<p>"No, you did worse. She got close to the unfortunate man," continued +my wife to us, "and suddenly I noticed that she had in her hand one of +those little books you buy at railway book-stalls in the Highlands, with +patterns of all the tartans in them and the name of the clan underneath. +By the time I got up to her she had found the right tartan in the book, +and was matching it up against the back of the poor unconscious +creature's kilt. Then she turned to me in a triumphant sort of way and +simply <i>bellowed</i>—'M'Farlane!'"</p> + +<p>"We shall probably be hauled up before the Kirk-session," said the +Admiral. "But I wonder who Sir James Fordyce's friends can be. I know +most of the people who have shootings about here, but none of them are +friends of his that I can think of. We must get him to come and shoot +here one day. Rather late for to-morrow's drive, but there will be +another on Thursday. I wonder who his host is, though?"</p> + +<p>"I might help you," said Robin. "An old man, you said, with his +wife?"</p> + +<p>"Yes—oldish," said Kitty.</p> + +<p>"Was there a son with them?"</p> + +<p>"N-no."</p> + +<p>"No? Well, he would be away at the lamb-sales, perhaps," said Robin +reflectively. "Was there a daughter?"</p> + +<p>"Now you mention it," said Kitty, "there was. A nice, bonny-looking +girl. Twenty-four, I should say."</p> + +<p>"Twenty-three," said Robin.</p> + +<p>We all turned on him.</p> + +<p>"Now then, what is all the mystery? Out with it! Who is the +girl—eh?"</p> + +<p>"She would be my sister," said Robin calmly. "And the others were my +father and mother."</p> + +<p>There was a little gasp of surprise all round the table. Robin went +on—</p> + +<p>"My home is just seven miles from here. This is the first time I have +got near my folk for six years. To-morrow I mean to go and see them. And +they would like fine, I know," he added a little shyly, "if some of you +would come with me."</p> + +<p>"I'll come," said Kitty promptly. "I should love to meet your mother, +Robin."</p> + +<p>"May <i>I</i> come, Uncle Robin?" piped Phillis. "For a birfday +treat," she added, in extenuation.</p> + +<p>Applications for an invitation rained in. Apart from a desire to +please a man whom we all respected—and our ready offers +undoubtedly did please him—I think we were all a little curious to +view the mould which had turned Robin out.</p> + +<p>"You can't <i>all</i> go," said the Admiral at last. "There's the +grouse-drive to-morrow, and eight butts to fill; not to mention the need +of female society at lunch."</p> + +<p>Finally it was arranged that Robin should take Kitty and Phillis over +on a sort of preliminary call, and they could arrange for the +establishment of more substantial relations.</p> + +<p>But that evening, as the ladies were having their candles lit at the +foot of the staircase, I heard Robin say to Dolly—</p> + +<p>"Will you come with us to-morrow?"</p> + +<p>Dolly seemed to consider, and was about to reply, when Dermott, who +never seemed very far away now, cut in.</p> + +<p>"Too late, Fordyce! Miss Rubislaw has promised to come and load for +me in my butt to-morrow afternoon."</p> + +<p>"No, I'm afraid it can't be managed this time, Robin," said Dolly. +"But I am coming with you later in the week, if you'll take me."</p> + +<p>Robin said nothing.</p> + +<p>Now Dolly, I knew, did not approve of the inclusion of females in the +business part of a day's shooting; and she regarded Miss Buncle and her +twenty-eight bore with pious horror. The fact that she had consented to +come and hold Dermott's second gun to-morrow seemed to indicate that +that gallant sportsman had accomplished a feat which had already proved +too much for several highly deserving young men—I was not quite +sure that Robin was not one of them; and there seemed to be every reason +to anticipate (especially since he was due to start for Aldershot +to-morrow night) that when the Captain returned from the chase to-morrow +afternoon, his bag would include one head of game of an interesting and +unusual variety.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>III.</h4> + + +<p>At ten o'clock next morning we met the keepers, dogs, and beaters not +far from the first line of butts on the moor. There was a hot sun, and +the bees were bumbling in the heather. Somehow Whitehall seemed a long +way off.</p> + +<p>The number of guns had been brought up to seven by the inclusion of a +neighbouring laird—one Gilmerton of Nethercraigs—and his +son.</p> + +<p>"All the same, we are still a man short," complained the Admiral, to +whom a house-party was a ship's company, and a day's shooting a sort of +terrestrial naval manoeuvre. "However, we will cut out the end butt in +each drive and put a stop there to turn the birds farther in. Now we'll +draw for places. Each man to take the butt whose number he draws, +counting from the right and moving up one place after each drive. And +Heaven help the man who draws number four now, for it means number seven +and a climb up The Pimple for him directly after lunch!"</p> + +<p>There was a general laugh at this, which swelled to an unseemly roar +when I drew the fatal number.</p> + +<p>However, after lunch was a long way off, and I trotted contentedly to +number four and settled down to a pipe, while the head-keeper led off +his mixed multitude of assistants, dogs, boys, and red flags to make a +<i>détour</i> and work the game up towards us.</p> + +<p>The first drive was simple. We were in a long and rather shallow +glen, across which ran a low ridge, dividing it into two almost equal +sections. The butts were placed along this ridge; and after the birds +had been sent over us the beaters would work round to the other end of +the glen and drive them back again. The shooting would be easy, for the +ground lay flat and open in either direction.</p> + +<p>I found myself between Standish and Gerald; the former on my right, +and the latter, together with the young keeper to whom his shooting +education had been entrusted, in the butt on my left. Beyond Standish +was Dermott, the crack shot of the party, and beyond Dermott, in number +one butt, was the Admiral. The Gilmertons, <i>pčre et fils</i>, occupied +the butts on the extreme left.</p> + +<p>The drive was moderately successful. At first the birds came along +singly, mostly on the right, and fell an easy prey to Dermott and the +Admiral. But presently a great pack got up comparatively near the butts, +and fairly "rushed" us. I brought off an easy right and left straight in +front of me, and then, snapping out my cartridges and slipping another +in, I swung round and just managed to bring down a third bird with a +"stern chaser"—a feat which I regretted to observe no one else +noticed, for there was a perfect fusilade all along the line at the +moment. Master Gerald, who had discharged his first barrel straight into +the "brown," succeeded, in obedience to his mentor's admonitions, in +covering an old cock-grouse with his second, and carefully following +that flustered fowl's course with the point of his gun, pulled the +trigger just as it skimmed, low down, with an agitated squawk, between +his butt and mine. I heard the shot rattle through the heather, and two +pellets hit on my left boot.</p> + +<p>The congenial task of telling Gerald, in a low but penetrating voice, +exactly what I thought of him, occupied my attention so fully for the +next minute that I failed to observe a blackcock which suddenly swung up +into view and whizzed straight past my head, to the audible annoyance of +the distant Admiral and the undisguised joy of my unrepentant +relative.</p> + +<p>No more birds came after that, and presently, the line of beaters +having advanced within range, we put down our guns and collected the +slain. We had not done badly, considering the fact that the main body of +the birds had swerved away to our left over the unoccupied butt, despite +the valiant efforts of an urchin with a red flag to turn them. Dermott +headed the list with four and a half brace, and Gerald brought up the +rear with a mangled corpse which had received the contents of his first +barrel point-blank at a distance of about six feet. The laird of +Nethercraigs (a cautious and economical sportsman, who was reputed never +to loose off his gun at anything which did not come and perch on his +butt) had fired just three cartridges and killed just three birds, but +his son had seven. The Admiral and Standish had also had average luck, +and altogether we had fourteen and a half brace to show for our +exertions.</p> + +<p>Off went the beaters again, and we changed butts and waited. The +second drive gave us fewer birds but better sport. There were no great +packs, but we got plenty to do in the way of sharp-shooting, and +Gerald's keeper—a singularly ambiguous title in this +case—succeeded by increased vigilance in preserving me from being +further sniped by my enterprising brother-in-law.</p> + +<p>We totalled up twelve brace this time, and then made ready for a +tramp to the next line of butts, away round the shoulder of a fairly +distant hill.</p> + +<p>"We may as well spread out and walk 'em up this bit," said our host. +"We can't have the dogs, though, as the keepers and beaters are going a +different way; and each man will have to carry what he shoots. In that +case we'll leave rabbits alone. Gerald, you had better get to the +extreme left of the line. That will limit the risk to one man!"</p> + +<p>"I'll carry home your bag if you'll carry mine, Gerald," cried +Standish facetiously, as my brother-in-law, a trifle offended at the +Admiral's last pleasantry, proceeded with much dignity to his allotted +place.</p> + +<p>Gerald was almost out of earshot, but he waved a defiant +acquiescence.</p> + +<p>We tramped round the shoulder of the hill, keeping our distance as +well as we could on the steep slope, and occasionally putting up +something to shoot at. My bag this time made no great demands on my +powers of porterage, consisting as it did of a solitary snipe. However, +when nearly an hour later we gathered at the foot of the next line of +butts—the last before lunch—most of us were carrying +something. Standish gleefully displayed two hares and a brace of +grouse.</p> + +<p>"There is something for Master Gerald to carry back to the +luncheon-cart," he said. "I wonder what he has got for me. Where is +he?"</p> + +<p>"I don't quite know," said Dermott, who had been Gerald's nearest +neighbour. "He was so offended by our gibes about the danger of his +society that he walked rather wide of me. He kept down at the very foot +of the hill most of the time, almost out of sight."</p> + +<p>"I hope he hasn't shot himself," said the Admiral rather +anxiously.</p> + +<p>"Never fear!" said I. "That will not be his end. Here he is."</p> + +<p>Sure enough, Gerald appeared at this moment. He was empty-handed.</p> + +<p>Simple and primitive jests greeted him.</p> + +<p>"Hallo, old man, what have you shot—eh? Where is your little +lot?"</p> + +<p>Gerald smiled seraphically.</p> + +<p>"You'll find it down there," he said—"in that patch of bracken, +Standish. I left it for you to bring up. Rather heavy for me."</p> + +<p>"What on earth have you shot?" we cried involuntarily.</p> + +<p>"A sheep," said Gerald calmly.</p> + +<p>Great heavens!</p> + +<p>We rushed down the hill as one man—and came up again looking +not a little hot and uncommonly foolish. The sheep was there, it is +true, stiff and stark in the bracken; but more senses than one apprised +us of the fact that it had been dead for considerably more than five +minutes. Gerald had stumbled on to the corpse, and had turned his +discovery, we afterwards admitted, to remarkably good advantage. It was +"Mr Standish's turn," as Miss Buncle, in the picturesque but mysterious +vernacular of her race, remarked at luncheon, "to hold the baby this +time."</p> + +<p>After the third drive we gladly put up our guns and tramped down the +hillside to the road below, where the ladies were waiting and the feast +was spread. After we had disposed of grouse sandwiches, +whisky-and-water, and jammy scones, and were devoting our post-prandial +leisure to repose or dalliance with the fair—according as we were +married or single—Lady Rubislaw inquired—</p> + +<p>"Where are you shooting this afternoon, John?"</p> + +<p>"The Neb, first," replied the Admiral. "And that reminds me, the man +who drew the top butt had better start now, or he'll be late."</p> + +<p>With many groans, and followed by the mingled derision and sympathy +of the company, I picked up my <i>impedimenta</i> and started, leaving +the others to decide who, if any, of the shooters was to have the honour +of entertaining a lady in his butt.</p> + +<p>The Neb was a great mountain spur, whose base ran to within two or +three hundred yards of our resting-place. In appearance it roughly +resembled a mighty Napoleonic nose. The butts ran right up the ridge of +that organ; and nine hundred feet above where we sat, just below an +excrescence locally known as "The Pimple," lay mine.</p> + +<p>I reached my eyrie at last, and having laid my flask, tobacco-pouch, +and twelve loose cartridges where I could reach them most handily on +projecting shelves of peat inside the butt—I love neatness and +method: Kitty says that when (if ever) I get to heaven I will decline to +enter until I have wiped my boots,—settled down to enjoy a superb +view and take note of the not altogether uninteresting manner in which +the other members of the party were disposing themselves for the +drive.</p> + +<p>Just below me were Standish and Miss Buncle, the lady a conspicuous +mark for all men (and grouse) to behold by reason of a red tam +o'shanter, the sight of which made me regret that its wearer was not +employed as a beater. In the butt below were Dermott and +Dolly—both very workmanlike and inconspicuous. Below them came the +Admiral, with his wife (she always came and sat behind him, like a +remarkably smart little powder-monkey, during the afternoon drive): +below them, the Gilmertons; and last of all, thank Heaven! Gerald.</p> + +<p>The shooting on this beat would not be easy, though birds were always +plentiful. They came round the face of the hill at very short range and +express speed. My particular butt was notoriously difficult to score +from. There was an awkward hummock in front of it, and driven birds +swinging into view round this were practically right over the butt +before its occupant could get his gun up.</p> + +<p>It was a rather sleepy afternoon. Far away I could hear the sound of +the advancing beaters—the cries of the boys, the occasional +barking of a dog, and the shrill piping of the headkeeper's whistle. +Suddenly three birds swung into view round the face of the hill, and +made straight for the line of butts. They were just below me, nearer to +Standish's butt than mine, but I put up my gun and picked off the +nearest. The other two, instead of keeping on their course over +Standish's head, suddenly swerved round to the left, almost at right +angles—I think they had seen Miss Buncle's tam o' shanter and +simultaneously decided that there are worse things than death—and +flew straight down the line, followed by an ineffectual volley from the +twelve and twenty-eight bores respectively.</p> + +<p>"Now, Dermott, my boy!" I ejaculated, as the birds skimmed past the +third butt. "There's a chance for a really pretty right and left."</p> + +<p>But no sound—no movement even—came from our crack's lair. +The birds flew by unharmed, only to fall later on, one to the Admiral, +and one to young Gilmerton.</p> + +<p>"<i>Dormitat Homerus</i>," I murmured, gazing curiously towards +Dermott's butt. "I wonder if—Jove, there they go! What a pack! +Well done, Gerald! Oh, Gilmerton, you old <i>sweep</i>! Fire, man, +<i>fire</i>! Good old Admiral! Dermott, man, what the +devil—— Have <i>at</i> them!"</p> + +<p>I fairly danced in the heather. A perfect cloud of birds was pouring +over the lower part of the line. The Admiral, the Gilmertons, and Gerald +were firing fast and furiously,—even the laird of Nethercraigs +loosed off at birds that were neither running nor sitting,—and +when the beaters appeared in sight five minutes later, and the drive +came to an end, the four lower butts totalled twelve brace among +them.</p> + +<p>I humbly proffered my solitary contribution.</p> + +<p>"Twelve and a half," said the Admiral. "Now, Standish?"</p> + +<p>"N.E. this time," remarked that youth philosophically.</p> + +<p>The Admiral said nothing, but I saw his choleric blue eyes slide +round in the direction of Miss Buncle's headgear. He turned to +Dermott.</p> + +<p>"How many, old man?"</p> + +<p>"Blob!"</p> + +<p>That Dermott should return empty-handed from any kind of chase was so +surprising that we all turned round for the explanation. Dermott was +looking very dejected. This was evidently a blow to his professional +pride.</p> + +<p>"Didn't any of that great pack come near you?" asked the Admiral +sympathetically.</p> + +<p>"No—don't think so," said Dermott shortly.</p> + +<p>I had counted eight birds flying straight over his butt myself, but I +said nothing. I was beginning to comprehend. <i>Et ego in Arcadia + vixi</i>.</p> + +<p>But the obtuse master-mariner persisted.</p> + +<p>"How about that brace that flew right down the line? You must have +seen 'em coming all the way. You didn't even try a shot at them, +man!"</p> + +<p>Dermott, who was fastening up his gaiter, answered rather +listlessly—</p> + +<p>"Sorry! It was—a misfire, I think."</p> + +<p>"What?" cried the outraged Admiral. "A <i>misfire</i>? Both +barrels—of both guns?"</p> + +<p>I did not hear the answer to this. I was looking at Dolly. Her face +could not be seen, for she was kneeling down a little distance away, +assiduously fondling the silky ears of a highly-gratified red setter. +And I realised then that some expressions are capable of a metaphorical +as well as a literal interpretation.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>IV.</h4> + + +<p>My wife and daughter returned home in the "machine" in time for +dinner, without Robin.</p> + +<p>"His mother kept him," Kitty explained. She was favouring me with a +summary of her day's adventures, in the garden after dinner. "Such an +old dear, Adrian! And his father is a grand old man. Very solemn and +scriptural-looking and all that, but so courtly and simple when once he +gets over his shyness. (He tried to come in to tea in his shirt-sleeves, +but his wife hustled him out of the kitchen just in time.) Sir James +Fordyce was a shock, though. When we arrived he was chopping turnips in +a machine, dressed in clothes like any farm-labourer's. He said it was +fine to get back to his own people again. To look at him you would never +guess that he was one of the best known men in London, and a favourite +at Court, and <i>such</i> an old dandy in Bond Street. The rest of the +household didn't seem to set any particular store by him. They took him +quite as a matter of course."</p> + +<p>"What a pity English people can't do the same," I mused. "If they do +possess a distinguished relative they brag about him, and he usually +responds by avoiding them. If he does honour them with a visit, they try +to live up to him, and put on unnecessary frills, and summon all the +neighbourhood to come and inspect him."</p> + +<p>"There's nothing of that kind about the Fordyces," said Kitty. "Sir +James was just one of themselves; he even spoke like them. It was, 'Aye, +Jeems!' and 'Aye, John!' all the time."</p> + +<p>"How about the rest of the family?" I inquired.</p> + +<p>"The mother was immensely pleased to have Robin with her again, I +could see," said Kitty. "She made no particular fuss over him, but I'm +sure she simply hugged him as soon as we were gone. She had a talk with +me about him when we were alone. She seems to regard him as the least +successful member of the family, although he has been a good son to +them. (Do you know, Adrian, he has sent them something like two hundred +pounds during the time he has been with us? And that must have left him +little enough to go on with, goodness knows!) But I don't think they +consider him a patch on the eldest son, who is a great silent man with a +beard—a sort of Scotch John Ridd. He looks years older than Robin, +though of course he isn't. He is a splendid farmer, his mother tells me, +and greatly "respeckit" in the district. But the poor dear was so +frightened of me that he simply bolted from the house the moment he had +finished his tea. The sister is pretty, and nice too, but shy. I'm +afraid she found my clothes rather overpowering, though I'd only a coat +and skirt on. But we got on splendidly after that. She is going to be +married next month, to the minister, which is considered an immense +triumph for her by the whole community. We must send them a present. By +the way, what's the matter with Dolly?"</p> + +<p>"What's the matter with poor old Dermott?" I retorted.</p> + +<p>At this moment the much-enduring "machine" jingled up to the door, +and Captain Dermott's luggage, together with his gun-cases and a +generous bundle of game for the mess-table at Aldershot, was piled in at +the back. Their owner followed after, and seeing the glowing end of my +cigar in the dark, advanced to say good-bye.</p> + +<p>Kitty uttered some pretty expression of regret at his departure, and +flitted into the house. Dermott and I surveyed each other silently +through the darkness.</p> + +<p>"Is it any use asking you to come and look us up in town?" I said at +last rather lamely.</p> + +<p>He laughed through set teeth—not a pretty sound.</p> + +<p>"I think I'll—avoid your household for a bit, Adrian," he +answered.</p> + +<p>I nodded gravely.</p> + +<p>"I see," I said. "I—I'm sorry, old man!"</p> + +<p>"I'm going to India, if I can get away," he continued, after a +pause.</p> + +<p>"Good scheme!" I replied. "We shall think of you most +kindly—er, <i>all</i> of us."</p> + +<p>He said nothing, but shook hands in a grateful sort of fashion, and +turned away.</p> + +<p>I suppose there is a reason for everything in this world. Still, the +spectacle of a good man fighting dumbly with a cruel +disappointment—and disappointment is perhaps the bitterest pill in +all the pharmacopeia of life—is certainly a severe test of one's +convictions on the subject.</p> + +<p>At this moment the rest of the party—<i>minus</i> +Dolly—flowed out on to the doorstep to say farewell; and two +minutes later Captain Dermott drove heavily away—back to his day's +work.</p> + +<p>Well, thank God there is always that!</p> + +<br /> + +<p>"I thought she was going to take him," said Kitty in her subsequent +summing-up. "It was far and away the best offer she has ever had. And he +is such a dear, too! What does the child want, I wonder! A coronet?"</p> + +<p>"'A dinner of herbs,' perhaps," said I.</p> + +<p>Kitty eyed me thoughtfully, and gave a wise little nod.</p> + +<p>"Yes—Dolly is just that sort," she agreed. "But what makes you +think that?"</p> + +<p>"Oh—nothing," I said.</p> + +<p>There are certain matters upon which it is almost an impertinence for +a man to offer an opinion to a woman, and I rather shrank from rushing +in where my wife had evidently not thought it worth while to tread. +Still, I could not help wondering in my heart whether the arrival of one +gentleman on Sunday may not sometimes have something to do, however +indirectly, with the abrupt departure of another gentleman on +Monday.</p> + +<hr /> + + +<h2><a name="chapter12" id="chapter12">CHAPTER TWELVE.</a></h2> + +<h3>THE COMPLEAT ANGLER.</h3> + + +<p>The Division of Stoneleigh, which had hitherto done me the honour of +returning me as its Member of Parliament, is a triangular tract of +country in the north of England.</p> + +<p>At the apex of the triangle lies Stoneleigh itself, a township whose +chief assets are an ancient cathedral at one end, and a flourishing +industry, proclaiming to the heavens its dependence upon Hides and +Tallow, at the other. The base of the triangle runs along the sea-coast, +and is dotted with fishing villages. Most of the intervening area is +under cultivation.</p> + +<p>It will be seen, then, that the character of my constituency varied +in a perplexing manner, and while I could usually depend upon what I may +call the Turnip interest, I could not always count with absolute +certainty on the whole-hearted support of the Fish or +Hides-and-Tallow.</p> + +<p>To this delectable microcosm my household and I migrated one bleak +day in February, to commence what promised to be an arduous and +thoroughly uncomfortable electoral campaign.</p> + +<p>The Government had gone out at last, more from inanition than over +any definite question of policy; and we were going to the country to +face what is paradoxically termed "the music." It would be a General +Election in every sense of the word, for there was no particular +question of the hour—this was before the days of Passive +Resistance and Tariff Reform—and our chief bar to success would +undoubtedly be our old and inveterate enemy, "the pendulum." Of course +we were distributing leaflets galore, and blazoning panegyrics on our +own legislative achievements over every hoarding in the +country—especially where our opponents had already posted up +scathing denunciations of the same—and of course we declared that +we were going to come again, like King Arthur; but I think most of us +realised in our hearts that the great British Public, having decided in +its ponderous but not altogether unreasonable way that any change of +government must be for the better, was now going to pull us down from +the eminence to which we had been precariously clinging for five years, +and set up another row of legislative Aunt Sallies in our stead.</p> + +<p>However, we were far from admitting this. We wore our favours, waved +our hats, and celebrated our approaching triumph with as great an +appearance of optimism as the loss of seven consecutive by-elections +would permit.</p> + +<p>Our party—Kitty, Phillis, Dolly, and myself: Dilly and Dicky +were to follow, and Robin had preceded us by two days—was met at +the station by an informal but influential little deputation, consisting +of Mr Cash, my agent, a single-minded creature who would cheerfully have +done his best to get Mephistopheles returned as member if he had been +officially appointed to further that gentleman's interests; old Colonel +Vincey, who would as cheerfully have voted for the same candidate +provided he wore Conservative colours; Mr Bugsley, a leading +linen-draper and ex-Mayor of the town, vice-chairman of our local +organisation; Mr Winch—locally known as Beery Bill—the +accredited mouthpiece of the Stoneleigh liquor interest; and the Dean, +who came, I was uncharitable enough to suspect even as he wrung my hand, +on business not unconnected with the unfortunate deficit in the fund for +the restoration of the North Transept. There were also present one or +two reporters, and a <i>posse</i> of the offscourings of Stoneleigh +small-boydom.</p> + +<p>We drove in state to the hotel. Previous to this I shook hands warmly +with the Station-master, who scowled at me—he was a Home-Ruler and +a Baptist—and gave four porters half-a-crown apiece for lifting +our luggage on to the roof of a cab. I also handed a newsboy sixpence +for a copy of the local bi-weekly organ which supported our cause, and +tendered half-a-sovereign in payment for a bunch of violets and +primroses—our party colours in this district were purple and +gold—which were proffered me outside the station by an ancient +flower-selling dame who, Cash hissed into my ear, happened to be the +mother of four strapping and fully-enfranchised sons; and presented an +unwashed stranger who was holding open the cab door for us with a token +of affection and esteem which could readily be commuted into several +hours' beer.</p> + +<p>On arriving at the hotel I handed the cabman a fare roughly +equivalent to the cash value of the cab, and then proceeded to +distribute largesse to a crowd of menials who kindly undertook the task +of lifting the luggage from the roof and conveying it to our rooms. The +horse, having no vote, received no pecuniary return for its labours, but +was rewarded for its devotion to Conservative principles by a lump of +sugar, which Phillis had been tightly holding in a moist hand ever since +Cash had handed it to her at the station—a pretty and thoughtful +act of disinterested kindness which was duly noted in the <i>Stoneleigh + Herald</i> next morning, and effectually secured the votes of several +elusive but sentimental wobblers on polling day.</p> + +<p>After this unostentatious entry into my constituency I duly +established myself in my apartments, where I spent most of the afternoon +writing cheques. The restoration of the North Transept proved to be in +an even more deplorable state of backwardness than I had feared; but the +Dean ultimately left me with the utmost expressions of goodwill, +promising to reassure the most exacting spirits in Cathedral society as +to my soundness on the questions of (1) Disestablishment and (2) Secular +Education in Elementary Schools.</p> + +<p>Thereafter I received the captain of the local football team, who +begged to remind me that my subscription of five guineas, as Honorary +Vice-President of the club, was now due, and further requested that I +would do himself and colleagues the honour of kicking-off in the match +against the Scrappington Hotstuffs on Saturday week. (Saturday next, I +heard afterwards, had been reserved for my rival.) He finally departed +with my cheque in his pocket, and, I expect, his tongue in his +cheek.</p> + +<p>Robin next let in upon me a sub-section of the General Purposes +Committee of the Municipal Library, who begged that I would kindly +consent to open the new wing thereof, jointly with the rival Candidate, +at three o'clock next Wednesday; and intimated as an afterthought that +the oak bookcase in the eastern alcove was still unpaid for. They +departed calling down blessings upon my head. (Five pounds ten.)</p> + +<p>Next, after a brief call from a gentleman in a blue ribbon, who came +to solicit a guinea for the Band of Hope, and who left in exchange one +hundred copies of a picture of the interior of a drunkard's stomach, +executed in three colours, came Beery Bill, to whom the reader has +already been introduced. He had not come to talk Politics, he said, but +just to have a quiet chat with one whom he hoped he could regard as a +personal friend. (I got out my fountain pen.) The chat materialised +presently into an intimation that the Licensed Victuallers Benevolent +Something-or-Other was short of cash; and my visitor suggested that a +trifle in support of the charities of that most deserving institution +would come gracefully from my pocket. On handing me the receipt he +informed me that the brewing trade was in a bad way, and that he looked +to me to do something for it if he used his influence on my behalf at +the Election.</p> + +<p>The next visitor was an eccentric but harmless old gentleman who eked +out a precarious livelihood as a Herbalist—whatever that may +be—in the most plebeian quarter of the town. He inhabited a small +and stuffy shop up a discreet alley, suffered much from small boys, sold +curious drugs and potions of his own composition, and prescribed for +persons whose means or modesty precluded them from consulting an +orthodox practitioner.</p> + +<p>He was threatened, it appeared, with the penalties of the law. He had +sold a "love-philtre" (pronounced infallible for recalling errant +<i>fiancés</i> to a sense of duty) to an amorous kitchen-maid who was +seeking to rekindle the sacred flame in the bosom of an unresponsive +policeman. The damozel had mingled the potion in a plate of beefsteak +pudding, and had handed the same out of the scullery window to her +peripatetic swain; with the sole result that that limb of the law had +been immediately and violently sick, and, the moment he felt +sufficiently recovered to do so, had declared the already debilitated +match at an end. The kitchen-maid, rendered desperate, had told him the +whole truth; and consequently my esteemed caller was now wanted by the +police.</p> + +<p>The catastrophe of the pie, he explained, was in no way to be +attributed to the love-philtre (which was composed of sifted sugar and +cinnamon), but was due to the fact that instead of the philtre he had +inadvertently handed his fair client a packet out of the next drawer, +which contained ready-made-up doses of tartaric acid for immediate use +in the case of small boys who had swallowed sixpences. <i>Hinc + lacrymcoe</i>. In spite of his complete consciousness of his own +innocence, he now found himself compelled in a few days' time to defend +his conduct in a court of law. The proceedings would cost money, of +which he of course possessed little or none. He had called, he said, +confident in the hope that I would assist him to defray the expense of +vindicating his integrity as a high-class Herbalist by purchasing six +bottles of his world-renowned specific for neuralgia, from which dread +malady he had been informed—quite incorrectly, by the +way—that I occasionally suffered. The thirty shillings thus +subscribed, together with a few odd coins which he himself had contrived +to scrape together during a long life of thrift, would secure the +services of a skilled advocate, who would doubtless be able to prove to +the satisfaction of justice that no high-class Herbalist would ever +dream, save in the way of kindness, of putting tartaric acid into a +policeman's beefsteak pudding.</p> + +<p>He added, rather inconsequently, that he had voted Conservative at +the last three elections, and had moreover persuaded all the other +members of the Royal and Ancient Brotherhood of High-class Herbalists to +do the same. (One pound ten.)</p> + +<p>My last visitor was a seedy individual in corduroys, who asked for a +private interview with the Candidate, and, on this favour being granted, +informed me in a confidential and husky whisper that he knew of ten good +men and true, fully qualified voters, who were prepared to go to the +poll on my behalf for the trifling fee of two pound ten a-head and no +questions asked. He was politely but firmly shown into the street. One +has to be on the look-out against persons of this type.</p> + +<p>I concluded the afternoon by a rather unsatisfactory interview with +Mr Cash. He was by nature a boisterous and optimistic person, but on +this occasion I found him inclined to be reticent and gloomy. He +announced with a shake of the head that my rival was a very strong +candidate; and finally, after a certain amount of pressing, admitted +that I was not altogether as universally acceptable to my own side as I +might have been.</p> + +<p>"You are not violent enough, Mr Inglethwaite," he said. "You +sympathise too much with the point of view of the opposite side. That's +fatal."</p> + +<p>I turned to Robin.</p> + +<p>"You hear that?" I said. "Don't you ever call me a prejudiced old +Tory again, Robin."</p> + +<p>"Then," continued the dolorous Cash, "you are too squeamish. Those +posters that you wouldn't allow to be put up—that was simply +throwing away good votes. Politics in this part of the country can't be +played with kid gloves. Then there are the meetings. You don't let the +other side have it hot enough. Call 'em robbers and liars! That's what +wins an election!"</p> + +<p>"I suppose it is," I said mournfully. "Robin, we must put our +opinions in our pockets and beat the party drum. Come on, let us go to +the Committee Rooms!"</p> + +<p>For the next fortnight we worked like galley-slaves. Each morning +Kitty and I drove round the town in an open carriage-and-pair decorated +with our colours, bowing to such of our constituents as would look at +us, and punctiliously returning any salutes we received. Occasionally +whole-hearted supporters would give us a cheer, and +occasionally—rather more frequently, it seemed to +me—disagreeable persons booed at us. Once we were held up outside +a hide-and-tallow work by a gang of workmen who wished to address a few +questions to the Candidate. We came well out of that ordeal, for both +Kitty and Dolly happened to be in the carriage that day, and they so +completely captivated the spokesman of the deputation—no wonder! a +pretty woman never looks so attractive as in furs—that that +gentleman concluded a catechism of unpremeditated brevity and +incoherence by proposing a vote of confidence in, coupled with three +cheers for, Mr Inglethwaite and his young ladies!</p> + +<p>On another occasion a gnarled and fervent Radical of the bootmaking +persuasion hobbled to the door of his establishment, and waving clenched +and uplifted fists, called down upon us and our retreating equipage all +the curses at the command of a rather extensive vocabulary until we were +out of earshot.</p> + +<p>Occasionally little girls threw posies into the carriage: little +boys, not to be outdone in politeness, threw stones: and altogether I +felt very much as the Honourable Samuel Slumkey must have done upon the +historic occasion on which he solicited the votes of the electors of the +borough of Eatanswill.</p> + +<p>Talking of Eatanswill, I had already made the acquaintance of Mr +Horatio Fizkin in the person of my opponent, Mr Alderman Stridge, +Wholesale Provision Merchant and Italian Warehouseman. His selection as +Liberal Candidate was a blow to us: we had hoped for nothing worse than +a briefless carpet-bagger from the Temple, as on previous occasions. +However, the Alderman on our introduction was extremely affable, and +expressed a hope, with the air of one discovering the sentiment for the +first time, that the best man might win; to which I, as in duty bound, +replied that I hoped not; and we parted with mutual expressions of +goodwill and esteem, to deride each other's politics and bespatter each +other's characters on countless platforms and doorsteps until we should +meet again, after the fray, at the counting of the votes.</p> + +<p>On returning from our morning drive (which usually included an +open-air meeting) we took luncheon, generally in the presence of various +anćmic young men who represented local organs of public opinion, and who +expected the long-suffering candidate to set forth his views between +mouthfuls of chop and sips of sherry. I usually turned these over to +Robin, who understood their ways; and he charmed them so wisely that +even the relentless Cash was compelled to admit that our press notices +might have been worse.</p> + +<p>Robin was a tower of strength. Indeed he and Dolly were my two chief +lieutenants; Dilly and Dicky, as became a pair who had only been married +a few months, proving but broken reeds. A week's electioneering proved +sufficient for their requirements; and, declining flatly to "grin like a +dog and run about the city"—Dilly's pithy summary of the art of +canvassing—any longer, they left us ten days before polling-day to +pay a country-house visit. But Robin was everywhere. He answered my +letters and he interviewed reporters. He could keep a meeting in hand +(pending my arrival from another) with such success that when I finally +appeared upon the platform to take up the wondrous tale of my party's +perfections, the audience were loth to let Robin go. In six days he +acquired a knowledge of the wants, peculiarities, weaknesses, and +traditions of my constituents which had occupied all my powers of +concentration and absorption for six arduous years. He used to drop into +his speeches little topical allusions and local "gags" which, though +Greek to the uninitiated, never failed to produce a roar: and a +political speaker who can unfailingly make his audience laugh with +him—not at him—has gone far on the road to success.</p> + +<p>Once, at a meeting, when I was half-way through a speech to an +unmistakably bored and rather hostile audience, Robin, who was sitting +beside me, slipped a sheet of paper on to my table. The message on the +paper, written large for me to read, said—<i>Compare Stridge to + the Old Lady of Dippleton</i>. What the lady had done I did not know, +neither had I time to inquire; but I took my secretary's advice, and, +after pausing for a brief drink of water, concluded my +sentence—</p> + +<p>"—and I maintain, gentlemen, that my opponent, in advocating +such a policy as that which he has had the—the—yes, the +<i>effrontery</i> to lay before a clear-thinking and broad-minded +Stoneleigh audience last night, has shown himself to be no wiser in his +generation, no better or more statesmanlike in character, +than—than—what shall we say? than"—I glanced at the +paper on the table—"the Old Lady of Dippleton!"</p> + +<p>There was a great roar of laughter, and I sat down. I was ultimately +awarded a vote of thanks, which should by rights have been given to the +heroine of my closing allusion. I may mention here that no subsequent +inquiry of mine ever elicited from Robin or any one else what the Old +Lady of Dippleton <i>had</i> done. Probably it was one of those things +that no real lady ever ought to do, and I discreetly left it at +that.</p> + +<p>Dolly, too, proved a treasure. Her strong line was canvassing. She +could ingratiate herself with short-tempered and over-driven wives +apparently without effort; surly husbands melted before her smile; +sheepish young men forgot the encumbering existence of their hands and +feet in her presence; and she was absolutely infallible with babies. Her +methods were entirely her own, and gratifyingly free from the superior +and patronising airs usually adopted by fine ladies when they go to +solicit the votes of that variegated and much-graded community which +they cheerfully and indiscriminately sum up as "the lower classes."</p> + +<p>Let us follow her as she flits on her way to pay a morning call upon +Mr Noah Gulching of Jackson's Row.</p> + +<p>Mr Gulching, she finds, is absent in search of a job, while Mrs +Gulching, thoroughly cross and worried, is doing the housework with one +hand and dangling a fractious teething baby from the other. The rest of +the family are engaged in playing games of skill and chance (on the win, +tie, or wrangle principle), in the middle of the street outside; and +piercing screams testify to the fact that John William Gulching, aged +two, had just been uprooted by Mary Kate Gulching, who wants to lay out +a new Hop-Scotch court, from the flagstone upon which he has been seated +for the last half hour and dumped down upon another, the warming of +which, even his untutored sensations inform him, will be a matter of +some time and trouble.</p> + +<p>Dolly, not a whit dismayed by a thoroughly ungracious reception, +tucks up her skirt, rolls up her sleeves, finishes washing-up, makes a +bed, and peels some potatoes. Then she takes the baby and attends to its +more conspicuous wants, what time Mrs Gulching, thoroughly +mollified,—she had thought at first that Dolly was "a person with +tracks,"—goes round the corner to the "Drop Inn," at which +hostelry the work of which her spouse is habitually in pursuit +invariably goes to ground, and brings that gentleman home with her, to +find Dolly playing with a spotless infant whom she gradually recognises +as her own offspring.</p> + +<p>Dolly begins at once.</p> + +<p>"Good morning, Mr Gulching! I expect you think I am one of those +horrid canvassers."</p> + +<p>Mr Gulching, a little taken aback, admits that such was his +impression.</p> + +<p>"Well, I'm not," says Dolly. (<i>Oh, Dolly!</i>) "I suppose there may +be some excuse for canvassing among people who do not take much interest +in politics,—though <i>I</i> shouldn't like to do it,—but it +would be rather a waste of time for me or any one else to come and try +on that sort of thing with <i>you</i>, wouldn't it, Mr Gulching?"</p> + +<p>Mr Gulching, outwardly frigid but inwardly liquescent, agrees that +this is so; and adds in a truculent growl that he would like to see 'em +try it on.</p> + +<p>"What I really want," continues Dolly, "is your <i>advice</i>. I am +told that you are so respected here, and have such a knowledge of the +requirements of the neighbourhood, that you might be inclined to give us +a little help in a scheme which Mr Inglethwaite has in hand. Schemes for +the improvement of some of the houses—not snug little cribs like +this, but the homes of people who are not so clever and able to take +care of themselves as you—and the supplying of more amusements in +the evenings; entertainments, lectures——"</p> + +<p>"Teetotal?" inquires Mr Gulching hoarsely.</p> + +<p>"Oh dear, no. I am sure Mr Inglethwaite would not wish to deprive any +one of his glass of beer. He quite agrees with your views about moderate +drinking." (This, I may mention, is a slanderous libel on me, but it +sounds all right as Dolly says it.) "But he knows that the success of +his efforts will depend entirely upon whether he has the support of such +men as yourself—men who know what they want and will see that they +get it. We can't do without you, you see," she adds, with a bewitching +little smile.</p> + +<p>Visible swelling on the part of Mr Gulching. Dolly gets up.</p> + +<p>"Well, I know you are a busy man, Mr Gulching, so I mustn't keep you +listening to a woman's chatter any more. I'm afraid I haven't explained +things very deeply, but then you men are such creatures for wanting to +get to the root of the matter, aren't they, Mrs Gulching? However, Mr +Inglethwaite will call shortly and discuss things with you. I know he +wants your advice. Meanwhile, perhaps you will mention the matter to any +friends of yours whom you think would be likely to help us, won't you? +Good morning, and thank you so much for granting me +this—er—interview. An Englishman's house is his castle, +isn't it? That is why it was so good of you to let me come in. Good-bye, +Mrs Gulching. He's a perfectly sweet little chap, and I must come and +see him again, if I may." (The last remark is a little ambiguous, but +probably refers to the baby.)</p> + +<p>And Dolly, with a friendly nod to the rest of the family (who are by +this time drawn up <i>en échelon</i> at the street door, under the +personal direction of Violet Amelia Gulching), sails out, followed by a +gratified leer from the greatly inflated Mr Gulching, having secured +that free and independent elector's vote without even having asked for +it. And yet some women are crying out for the right to control +elections!</p> + +<p>At the street corner, with a persuasive finger in the buttonhole of +an unconvinced Socialist (and a vigilant eye straining down the long and +unlovely vista of Jackson's Row), Dolly usually encounters Robert +Chalmers Fordyce.</p> + +<hr /> + + +<h2><a name="chapter13" id="chapter13">CHAPTER THIRTEEN.</a></h2> + +<h3>A HOSTAGE TO FORTUNE.</h3> + + +<p>Nomination day came, and I was duly entered by my proprietors for the +Election Stakes, though I was painfully aware that my selection as +Candidate was not universally popular.</p> + +<p>However, as Cash remarked, "It is canvassing from door to door that +does the trick, and there you have the bulge on Stridge. He's not a bad +old buffer himself, but they hate his wife like poison. She drives up to +their doors in a silver-plated brougham with a double-breasted coachman, +and tells 'em to vote for Stridge, not because he used to live in a +one-roomed house himself—which he did, and her too—but +because he's a local god-on-wheels. Of course they won't stick +that."</p> + +<p>I also continued to address meetings, receive deputations, and +generally solicit patronage in a way that would have made a cab-tout +blush for shame. As a recreation I kicked off at football matches and +laid foundation-stones. The most important function in which I took part +was the opening of the new wing of the Municipal Library. The ceremony, +which was by way of being a non-party affair, took place on a blustering +February afternoon. The <i>élite</i> of Stoneleigh were picturesquely +grouped upon the steps of the main entrance of the Library, from the +topmost of which the Mayor, the Dean, and the Candidates addressed a +shivering and apathetic audience below.</p> + +<p>Fortunately, the company were too exclusively occupied in holding on +their hats and blowing their blue noses to pay much attention to the +improving harangues of Mr Stridge and myself; which was perhaps just as +well, for men who have three or four highly critical and possibly +hostile meetings to address later in the day are not likely to waste +good things upon an assembly who probably cannot hear them, and will +only say "Hear, hear!" in sepulchral tones if they do.</p> + +<p>The actual opening of the wing was accomplished quite informally (and +I may say unexpectedly) by Kitty and Mrs Stridge—a fearsome +matron, who looked like a sort of Nonconformist Boadicea—who were +huddling together for warmth in the recess of the doorway. On a pedestal +before them lay two small gold keys, with which they were presently to +unlock the door itself, what time I, in trumpet tones, declared the +Library open. Whether through natural modesty or a desire to escape the +assaults of the wind, the two ladies shrank back so closely into the +door that that accommodating portal, evidently deeming it ungallant to +wait even for a golden key under such circumstances, incontinently flew +open, and Mesdames Inglethwaite and Stridge subsided gracefully into the +arms of a spectacled and embarrassed Librarian, who was formally waiting +inside to receive the company at the proper moment.</p> + +<p>After that, the proceedings, which so far had been almost as bleak as +the weather, went with a roar to the finish.</p> + +<p>But events like these were mere oases in a desert of ceaseless +drudgery. The fight grew sterner and stiffer, and, as always happens on +these occasions, the neutral and the apathetic began to bestir +themselves and take sides. A week before the election there was not an +impartial or unbiassed person left in Stoneleigh. Collisions between +supporters of either party became frequent and serious. On the first +occasion, when a Conservative sought to punctuate an argument by +discharging a small gin-and-ginger into the face of his Liberal +opponent, and the Liberal retaliated by felling the Conservative to the +earth with a pint-pot, Stridge and I wrote quite effusively to one +another apologising for the exuberance of our friends. A week later, +when certain upholders of my cause bombarded Stridge's emporium with an +assortment of Stridge's own eggs, hitting one of Mr Stridge's +white-jacketed assistants in the eye, and severely damaging the frontage +of Mr Stridge's Italian warehouse—whereupon local and immediate +supporters of the cause of Stridge squared matters by putting three +bombardiers into a horse-trough—Mr Stridge and I expressed no sort +of regret to one another whatsoever, but referred scathingly, amid +rapturous cheers, at our next meetings to the blackguardly policy of +intimidation and hooliganism by which the other side found it necessary +to bolster up a barren cause and hopeless future; all of which shows +that things were tuning up to concert pitch.</p> + +<p>Results of other elections were coming in every day, and they were +not by any means favourable to our side. Still, we kept on smiling, and +talked largely about the swing of the pendulum—almost as useful a +phrase as "Mesopotamia" of blessed memory—and other phenomena of +reaction, and hoped for the best. Champion, who had been returned for +his constituency by a thumping majority, had promised to come down and +speak for me at a great meeting two nights before the election; and +Dubberley, who had lost his seat, threatened to come and help me to lose +mine.</p> + +<p>With the exception of Robin, who appeared to be made of some material +<i>ćre perennius</i>, we were all getting the least bit "tucked up," +from my humble self down to Phillis, who appeared at breakfast one +morning looking flushed and rather too bright-eyed.</p> + +<p>"Electioneering seems to be telling on you, old lady," I remarked. +"Feeling quite well—eh?"</p> + +<p>"Just a <i>teeny</i> headache, daddy. But"—hastily—"I can +come with you to the meeting in the theatre to-morrow night, can't I? it +will be such fun!"</p> + +<p>"Meeting? My little girl, it does not begin till an hour after your +bed-time."</p> + +<p>"That's why I want to go," said my daughter frankly. "Besides, I do +<i>love</i> pantomimes—especially the clowns!" She wriggled +ecstatically.</p> + +<p>Even the revelation of the plain truth—that the pantomime would +be called by another name and the clowns would appear in +mufti—failed to assuage Phillis's thirst for the dramatic +sensation promised by a meeting in a theatre. I was, as usual, wax in +her small hands; and, man-like, I threw the <i>onus negandi</i> upon +Eve's shoulders.</p> + +<p>"Ask your mother," I said; and flew to my day's work.</p> + +<p>Thank goodness, it was almost the last. To-morrow would be the eve of +the poll, and at night we were to hold our monster meeting. Three +thousand people would be present; a local magnate, Sir Thomas Wurzel (of +Heycocks), would occupy the chair; what one of our local reporters +insisted on calling "the <i>élite</i> of the <i>bon ton</i>" would be +ranged upon the platform; and the meeting would be addressed by John +Champion, Robin,—they always wanted him now,—and the +much-enduring Candidate. The audience would, further, be made the +recipients of a few remarks from the Chair and (unless something +providential happened) from Dubberley, who was to second a vote of +thanks to somebody—a performance which might take anything up to +fifty minutes. Altogether a feast of oratory, and a further proof, if +any were needed, that the English are a hardy race.</p> + +<p>Phillis was decidedly unwell next morning, and Kitty prescribed bed. +I am inclined to be an anxious parent, but there was little time for the +exercise of any natural instincts on this occasion. Hounded on by the +relentless Cash, I spent the day in a final house-to-house canvass, +being fortunate enough to find at home several gentlemen who had been +out on previous occasions, and who now graciously permitted Kitty to +present them with a resplendent portrait of what at first sight appeared +to be a hairdresser's assistant in gala costume, but which an obtrusive +inscription below proclaimed to be "Inglethwaite! The Man You Know, and +Who Knows You!"</p> + +<p>After a hasty round of the Committee Rooms I returned to our +hostelry, the Cathedral Arms, where, after disposing of two reporters +who wanted an advance copy of my evening's speech, and having effusively +thanked a pompous individual for a sheaf of statistics on a subject +which I cannot recall, but in which no one outside an asylum could have +reasonably been expected to take any interest whatever, and which I was +at liberty to quote (with due acknowledgments) to any extent I pleased, +I sat down with Champion and Robin, faint yet pursuing, to fortify +myself with roast-beef and whisky for the labours of the evening.</p> + +<p>Presently Kitty entered, with Dolly.</p> + +<p>"<i>Who</i> do you think has just arrived?" she said.</p> + +<p>"I don't know. Not a deputation, I hope!"</p> + +<p>"No. Gerald—from school."</p> + +<p>"Great Scott! Expelled?"</p> + +<p>"Oh no. It's his half-term <i>exeat</i>. I had forgotten all about +it. As it just falls in with the Election, he has come to see you +through, he says."</p> + +<p>"Right! Give him some food and a bed, and we'll send him round with +one of the brakes to-morrow, to bring people up to the poll. He has a +gentle compelling way about him that should be useful to us. Has he +brought his inarticulate friend?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Well, tell them to ask at the office for bedrooms."</p> + +<p>"They have done that already," said Dolly. "They are down in the +kitchen now, ordering dinner. They don't propose to go to the meeting. +'Better fun outside,' they say."</p> + +<p>"Lucky little devils!" remarked the Candidate, with feeling.</p> + +<p>"And, Adrian," said Kitty, "I don't think I'll come either. I'm +rather bothered about Philly."</p> + +<p>I laid down my knife and fork.</p> + +<p>"What do you mean? Is she really ill?"</p> + +<p>"N-no. I don't think so, but she is very feverish and wretched, poor +kiddy. I tried to get hold of Dr Martin this afternoon, but he was miles +away on an urgent case, and won't be back till to-morrow. But I got Dr +Farquharson——"</p> + +<p>"Roaring Radical!" said I in horror-struck tones.</p> + +<p>—"Yes, dear, but such a nice old thing; and Scotch too, +Robin——"</p> + +<p>"Aberdonian," said Robin dubiously.</p> + +<p>"Well," continued my wife, "he said she would need care, and must +stay in bed. He was in a tearing hurry, as he had to go on to one of +Stridge's meetings—horrid creature!—but he promised to come +again on his way home. Do you think it very important that I should come +with you?"</p> + +<p>I turned to my secretary.</p> + +<p>"What's your opinion, Robin?"</p> + +<p>"I think Mrs Inglethwaite should come. They like to see her on the +platform, I know."</p> + +<p>"If the Candidate's wife does not appear, people say she is too grand +for them," put in Champion.</p> + +<p>"I'll stay with Philly, Kit," said Dolly.</p> + +<p>"Will you? You dear! But I know you want to come yourself."</p> + +<p>"Never mind. It doesn't matter."</p> + +<p>And so it was arranged.</p> + +<p>We found the theatre packed to suffocation. A heated band of +musicians (whose degrees must have been conferred <i>honoris causa</i>) +had just concluded a set of airs whose sole excuse for existence was +their patriotic character, and Sir Thomas Wurzel (of Heycocks) was +rising to his feet, when our party appeared on the platform. Election +fever was running high by this time; the critical spirit was almost +entirely obliterated by a truly human desire to cut the preliminaries +and hit somebody in the eye; and we were greeted with deafening +cheers.</p> + +<p>Presently Champion was introduced and called upon to speak. He was +personally unknown to the crowd before him, although his name was +familiar to them. But in five minutes he had the entire audience in his +grip. He made them laugh, and he made them cheer; he made them breathe +hard, and he made them chuckle. There were moments when the vast throng +sat in death-like silence, while Champion, with his voice dropped almost +to a whisper, cajoled them as a woman cajoles a man. Then suddenly he +would blare out another battle-call, and provoke a great storm of +cheering. He made little use of gesture—occasionally he punctuated +a remark with an impressive forefinger, but he had the most wonderful +voice I have ever heard. I sat and watched him with whole-hearted +admiration. It is true that he was not doing our cause any particular +good. He had forgotten that he was there to make a party speech, to +decry his opponents, and crack up his friends. He was soaring away into +other regions, and—most wonderful of all—he was taking his +audience with him. He besought them to be men, to play the game, to +think straight, to awaken to a sense of responsibility, and to remember +the magnitude and responsibility of their task as controllers of an +Empire. He breathed into them for a moment a portion of his own great +spirit; and many a small tradesman and dull-souled artisan realised that +night, for the first (and possibly the last) time, that the summit of +the Universe is not composed of hides and tallow, and that there are +higher things than the loaves and fishes of party politics and the petty +triumphs of a contested election.</p> + +<p>From a strictly tactical point of view all this was useless, and +therefore dangerous. But for a brief twenty minutes we were gods, +Utopians, Olympians, joyously planning out a scheme of things as they +should be, to the entire oblivion of things as they are. That is always +worth something.</p> + +<p>Then he sat down, and we came to earth again with a bump, +recollecting guiltily the cause for which we were assembled and met +together—namely, the overwhelming of an Italian warehouseman and +the retention of a parliamentary seat in an unimportant provincial +district.</p> + +<p>Once only have I heard that speech bettered, and that was in the +House of Commons on a night in June fifteen years later, when a Prime +Minister started up from the Treasury Bench to defend a colleague whose +Bill—since recognised as one of the most statesmanlike measures of +our generation—was being submitted to the narrowest and meanest +canons of party criticism. It was another appeal for fair-play, +unbiassed judgment, and breadth of view, and it took a hostile and +captious House, Government and Opposition alike, by storm. The name of +the Prime Minister on that occasion was John Champion, and the colleague +whom he defended was Robert Chalmers Fordyce.</p> + +<p>After Champion had sat down—nominally his speech was a vote of +confidence in my unworthy self—Robin rose to second the motion. I +did not envy him his task. It is an ungrateful business at the best, +firing off squibs directly after a shower of meteors. Even a second +shower of meteors would be rather a failure under the circumstances. +Robin realised this. He put something into his pocket and told his +audience a couple of stories—dry, pawky, Scottish +yarns—which he admitted were not new, not true, and not +particularly relevant. The first was a scurrilous anecdote concerning a +man from Paisley,—which illustrious township, by the way, appears +to be the target of practically all Scottish humour,—and the other +treated of a Highland minister who was delivering to a long-suffering +congregation a discourse upon the Minor Prophets. Robin told us how the +preacher worked through Obadiah, Ezekiel, Nahum, Malachi, "and many +others whose names are doubtless equally familiar to you, gentlemen," he +added amid chuckles, "placing them in a kind of ecclesiastical order of +merit as he proceeded; and finally he came to Habakkuk.</p> + +<p>"'What place, my friends, what place will we assign to Habakkuk?' he +roared.</p> + +<p>"That, gentlemen," said Robin, "proved to be the last straw. A man +rose up under the gallery.</p> + +<p>"'Ye can pit him doon here in my seat,' he roared. 'I'm awa' +hame!'</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen," added Robin, as the shout of laughter subsided, "I fear +that one of you will be for offering <i>his</i> seat to Habakkuk if I go +on any longer, so I will just second the motion and sit down."</p> + +<p>After that I rose to my weary feet and offered my contribution. I +have no intention of giving a <i>précis</i> of my speech here. It was +exactly the same as all the speeches ever delivered on such occasions. +Thucydides could have written it down word for word without ever having +heard me deliver it. It was not in the least a good speech, but it was +the sort of speech they expected, and, better still, it was the sort of +speech they wanted. Everybody was too excited to be critical, and I sat +down, perspiring and thankful, amid enthusiasm.</p> + +<p>Then came the most trying ordeal of all—questions.</p> + +<p>I am no hand at repartee; but practice had sharpened my faculties in +this direction, and I had, moreover, become fairly conversant with the +type of query to which the seeker after knowledge on these occasions +usually confines himself. The great secret is to bear in mind the fact +that what people want in one's reply is not accurate +information—unless, of course, you are standing for a Scottish +constituency, and then Heaven help you!—but something smart. If +you can answer the question, do so; but in any case answer it in such a +way as to make the questioner feel small. Then you will have your +audience with you.</p> + +<p>To prevent unseemly shouting (and, <i>entre nous</i>, to give the +Candidate a little more time to polish up his impromptus), the questions +were handed up on slips of paper and read aloud, and answered +<i>seriatim</i>. They were sorted and arranged for me by Robin, and I +not infrequently found, among the various slips, a question usually +coming directly after a regular poser, in Robin's handwriting, with a +brilliant and telling reply thoughtfully appended.</p> + +<p>This evening as usual Robin collected the slips from the stewards, +and ultimately laid them on the table before me. I rose, and started on +the heap. The first was a typewritten document which had been handed up +by a thoughtful-looking gentleman in the front row. It contained a +single line—</p> + +<p><i>Are you a Liberal or a Conservative?</i></p> + +<p>This was a trifle hard, I thought, coming directly after my speech; +but fortunately the audience considered it merely funny, and roared when +I remarked pathetically, "This gentleman is evidently deaf."</p> + +<p>Then came the question—</p> + +<p><i>Are you in favour of Woman's Suffrage?</i></p> + +<p>This was no novelty, and was fortunately regarded by the gallant +electors present as a form of comic relief. I adopted my usual plan +under the circumstances, and said—</p> + +<p>"I am in favour, sir, of giving a woman whatever she wants. It is +always well to make a virtue of necessity."</p> + +<p>This homely and non-committal gibe satisfied most of the audience, +and I was about to proceed to the next question when my interlocutor, a +litigious-looking man with blue spectacles, rose in the circle and +cried—</p> + +<p>"You are evading the question, sir! Give me an answer. Are you in +favour of Woman's Suffrage or not?"</p> + +<p>"That's fair! Give him his answer!" came the cry from the fickle +audience.</p> + +<p>I was quite prepared for this. I went through an oft-rehearsed and +not uneffective piece of pantomime with Kitty, and replied—</p> + +<p>"Well, sir, I have just inquired of my wife, who is by my +side——"</p> + +<p>I paused expectantly. I was not disappointed. There were loud cheers, +during which I seized the opportunity to glance through the next few +questions. Then, as I was not quite ready—</p> + +<p>"—As she has <i>always</i> been, all through this arduous +campaign——"</p> + +<p><i>Terrific enthusiasm, while Kitty blushes and bows very prettily; + after which the conversation proceeds on the following + lines:</i>—</p> + +<p><i>Myself</i>. And she tells me that she does not want any Suffrage +of any kind whatsoever!</p> + +<p><i>"Hear, hear!" But some cries of disapproval.</i></p> + +<p><i>Myself</i>. I therefore recommend you, sir, to go home and follow +my example——</p> + +<p><i>(Perfect tornado of laughter. Apparently I have made a + home-thrust.)</i></p> + +<p>—And after that, if you will come back to me and report the +result of +your—er—investigations—(<i>yells</i>)—I shall be +happy to go into the matter with you more fully.</p> + +<p><i>Triumphant cheers, and the blue-spectacled man collapses.</i></p> + +<p>The unfortunate espouser of the cause of the fair having thus been +derided out of court, I took up the next question. It concerned a +long-standing dispute as to the rights of the clergy of various +denominations to enter the local Board Schools,—this was in the +days far preceding the present educational deadlock,—and I felt +that I must walk warily. I talked at large about liberty of conscience +and religious toleration, but realised as I rambled on that my moderate +views and want of bigotry in one direction or the other were pleasing no +one. John Bull is a curious creature. You may get drunk and beat your +wife, and he will tolerate you; you may run amok through most of the +Decalogue, and he will still be your friend; but venture to worship your +Maker in a fashion which differs one tittle from his own, and he will +put down his pint-pot or desist from sanding the sugar and fell you to +the earth. I was glad to get away from this subject, leaving the +audience far from satisfied, and turn to the next question. It +said—</p> + +<p><i>Is the Candidate aware that the important township of Spratling is + entirely without a pier or jetty of any description?</i></p> + +<p>"Certainly I am aware of it," I replied, trying hard to remember +where the place was. The audience began to titter, and I felt +uneasy.</p> + +<p>My questioner, a saturnine gentleman in the pit, rose to his feet and +continued—</p> + +<p>"And if returned to Parliament, will you exert your influence to see +that a jetty is constructed there at the earliest opportunity?"</p> + +<p>"Cer——" There was a very slight movement beside me. Robin +was leaning back unconcernedly in his chair, but on the table under my +nose lay a sheet of paper bearing these words in large printed +capitals—</p> + +<p class="center">SPRATLING IS TEN MILES FROM THE SEA!</p> + +<p>It had been a near thing.</p> + +<p>"Certainly," I continued. "On one condition only," I added at the top +of my voice, above the rising tide of mocking laughter,—"on +condition that you, sir, will personally guarantee a continuous and +efficient service of fast steamers between Spratling and—the +sea-coast!"</p> + +<p>It was not a brilliant effort. I think I could have made more of it +if I had had more time. But it served. How they laughed!</p> + +<p>But there were breakers ahead. The next question asked if I was in +favour of compulsory land purchase and small holdings. Of course I was +not; but if I said so I knew I should rouse a dangerous storm, for the +community were much bitten at the time with the "Vine and Fig-tree +Fetish," as some one had happily described it. If, on the other hand, I +said Yes, I should, besides telling a lie,—though, as Cash once +remarked to me, "You can't strain at gnats on polling-day,"—be +committing myself to a scheme, which I knew Stridge had been strongly +urging, for dividing up some of the estate of the Lord of the Manor, the +Earl of Carbolton (whom I knew personally for one of the wisest and most +considerate landlords in the country) into allotments for the benefit of +an industrial population who probably thought that turnips grew on +trees. It would have been easy to make some easily broken promise, but I +have my poor pride, and I never offer the most academic blessing to a +measure that I am not prepared to go into a Lobby for. I wanted time to +think. Perhaps Robin would slip something on to the table. I accordingly +played my usual card, and said—</p> + +<p>"Now this, gentleman, is an important question, and I am very glad it +has been asked." (Oh, Adrian, my <i>boy</i>!) "And when I am faced with +such a question, I always ask myself, 'What, under the circumstances, +would be the course of action of—our great leader?'"</p> + +<p>The device succeeded, and the theatre resounded with frenzied cheers. +I turned to Robin. He was not there.</p> + +<p>I swung round in Kitty's direction. She had left her chair, and was +hurriedly making her way through the group of important nobodies behind +me in the direction of the wings. Robin was there already, in earnest +conversation with a girl.</p> + +<p>It was Dolly.</p> + +<p>Phillis?</p> + +<hr /> + + +<h2><a name="chapter14" id="chapter14">CHAPTER FOURTEEN.</a></h2> + +<h3>"TO DIE—WILL BE AN <i>AWFULLY</i> BIG ADVENTURE!"<br /> + +—<i>Peter Pan</i>.</h3> + + +<p>Two minutes later we were driving back to the Cathedral Arms. It was +snowing heavily, but I never noticed the fact. Neither did I realise +that I had abandoned my post at a critical and dangerous moment, and +left my friends on the platform to explain to a puzzled and angry +audience why the Candidate had run away without answering their +questions. But there are deeper things than politics.</p> + +<p>Phillis, we learned from Dolly, had been attacked by violent pains +early in the evening; and about nine o'clock there had been a sudden +rise of temperature, with slight delirium, followed by a complete and +alarming collapse. Dr Farquharson had been sent for, hot-foot, from +Stridge's platform, and his first proceeding had been to summon me from +mine.</p> + +<p>He was waiting for us in the hall of the hotel when we arrived, and +Kitty and I took him into our sitting-room and, parent-like, begged to +be told "the worst."</p> + +<p>The doctor—a dour and deliberate Scot—declined to be +positive, but "doubted" it might be perityphlitis. "Appendicitis is a +more fashionable term," he added. The child had rallied, but was very +ill, and nothing more could be done at present except keep her warm and +afford relief by means of poultices and fomentations until the malady +should take a definite turn for the better or the worse.</p> + +<p>"In either case we shall know what to do then," he said; "but for the +present the bairn must just fight her own battle. Has she good health, +as a rule?"</p> + +<p>Yes, thank God! she had. Physically she was frail enough, but she +possessed a tough little constitution. After I had taken a peep into the +room where the poor child, a vision of tumbled hair and wide bright +eyes, lay moaning and tossing, I left Kitty and Dolly and the doctor to +do what they could for her, and went downstairs to take counsel with my +friends.</p> + +<p>Now that the first shock was past, my head was clear again, and my +course lay plain before me. Downstairs I found Robin, Champion, and Cash +silently taking supper.</p> + +<p>"Now, gentlemen," I said, when I had answered Robin's anxious +inquiries—I believe he loved the child almost as much as I +did—"this misfortune has come at a bad time; but one thing is +quite plain, and that is that I must go through with the election. I +quite see that I am not my own master at present."</p> + +<p>Cash looked immensely relieved. Evidently he had been afraid that I +would throw up the sponge. Robin and Champion nodded a grave assent, and +the latter said—</p> + +<p>"You are right, Adrian. It's the only thing to do."</p> + +<p>"That's true," said Cash. "I am sure you have our deepest sympathy, +Mr Inglethwaite, but we can't possibly let you off on any account."</p> + +<p>It was not a very happy way of putting it, but Cash was an election +agent first and a man afterwards.</p> + +<p>"It was bad enough your running away from the meeting to-night," he +continued, in tones which he tried vainly to keep from sounding +reproachful. "They'd have torn the benches up if Mr Fordyce hadn't let +'em have it straight. I'm afraid it will cost us votes to-morrow."</p> + +<p>All this grated a good deal. I could hear Robin begin to breathe +through his nose, and I knew that sign. I broke in—</p> + +<p>"What did you say to them, Robin?"</p> + +<p>"Say? I don't really know. I assured them that you must have some +good reason for leaving in such a hurry, and persuaded them to keep +quiet for a bit in case you came back. We put up a few more speakers, +but the people got more and more out of hand; and finally, after about +five minutes of Dubberley, they grew so riotous that we ended the +meeting."</p> + +<p>"They had every excuse," said I. "They considered themselves +defrauded."</p> + +<p>"So they were," said Cash.</p> + +<p>"Of course, if they had <i>known</i>," said Champion, "they would +have gone home like lambs."</p> + +<p>"Somehow," said Robin, "I wish they could have been told, Adrian. I +should have liked fine to explain to them that you didn't leave the +meeting just because you couldn't answer that last question."</p> + +<p>"By gum!" Cash had been striving to deliver himself for some time. +"Mr Inglethwaite," he said excitedly, "they must be told at once! We can +get more good out of your little girl's illness than fifty meetings +would do us. You know what the British public are! I'll circulate the +real reason of your departure from the meeting first thing to-morrow +morning, and half the wobblers in the place will vote for you out of +sheer kind-heartedness. I know 'em!"</p> + +<p>The exemplary creature almost smacked his lips.</p> + +<p>There was a tense silence all round the table. Then I said, with some +heat—</p> + +<p>"Mr Cash, I have delivered myself into your hands, body and soul, +ever since Nomination Day, and I have obeyed you to the letter all +through this campaign. But—I am not going to allow a sick child's +sufferings to be employed as a political asset to-morrow."</p> + +<p>There was a sympathetic growl from the other two.</p> + +<p>"Oh, we shouldn't do it as publicly as all that," said the unabashed +Cash. "Trust me! No ostentation; just an explanatory report circulated +in a subdued sort of way—and perhaps a strip of tan-bark down on +the road outside the hotel—eh? <i>I</i> know how to do it. It'll +pay, I tell you. And there'll be no publicity——"</p> + +<p>I laid my head upon the table and groaned. For three weeks I had had +perhaps four hours' sleep a-night, and I had been worked down to my last +reserve of energy, keeping in hand just enough to meet all the probable +contingencies of to-morrow's election. Dialectics with Cash as to the +market value of a little girl's illness had not been included in the +estimate. I groaned.</p> + +<p>Champion answered for me.</p> + +<p>"Mr Cash, don't you see how painful these proposals are to Mr +Inglethwaite? Put such ideas out of your head once and for all. No man +worthy of the name would accept votes won in such a way."</p> + +<p>There was a confirmatory rumble from Robin.</p> + +<p>"We can't have <i>ad misericordiam</i> appeals here, Mr Cash," he +said.</p> + +<p>Champion continued briskly—</p> + +<p>"Now, Mr Cash, we will get Mr Inglethwaite a drink and send him to +bed. He has not had a decent night's rest for a fortnight. We trust to +you not to talk of the child's illness to anybody,—that is the +<i>only</i> way to avoid making capital of it,—and if you will +call here to-morrow after breakfast I will guarantee that your Candidate +will be fit and ready to go round the polling-booths with you, +and"—he put his hand on my shoulder—"set an example to all +of us."</p> + +<p>Cash, completely pulverised, departed as bidden, desolated over this +renunciation of eleemosynary votes; and Robin, Champion, and I finished +our supper in peace,—if one can call it peace when there is no +peace.</p> + +<p>Champion was leaving by the night mail, for he had promised to +address a meeting two hundred miles away next day. His cab was already +at the door, and we said good-bye to him on the hotel steps.</p> + +<p>He shook hands with me in silence, and turned to Robin.</p> + +<p>"Three fingers, and not too much soda, and then put him straight to +bed," he commanded.</p> + +<p>Then he turned to me again.</p> + +<p>"Don't sit up and worry, old man," he said. "Go to bed, anyhow. The +doctor and your womenfolk will do all that can be done. Your duties +commence to-morrow. Keep your tail up, and face it out. <i>Noblesse + oblige</i>, you know. Good-night."</p> + +<p>He drove away, and Robin and I returned to the sitting-room.</p> + +<p>Robin mixed me a stiff whisky-and-soda.</p> + +<p>"Champion's prescription," he said. "Down with it!"</p> + +<p>I obeyed listlessly.</p> + +<p>"Now come along upstairs with me. You are going to bed. I want to +turn you out a first-class Candidate in the morning—not a boiled +owl."</p> + +<p>His cheery masterfulness had its effect, and I suddenly felt a man +again.</p> + +<p>"Never fear!" I said. "I shall go through with it right +enough—the whole business—unless—unless—Robin, +old man, supposing—supposing——"</p> + +<p>"Blethers!" said Robin hastily. "She'll be much better in the +morning. Here's your room. Good-night!"</p> + +<p>He shepherded me into my bedroom, shut the door on me, and tiptoed +away.</p> + +<p>I really made a determined effort to go to bed. I actually lay down +and covered myself up, but sleep I could not. After an hour of +conscientious endeavour I rose, inspired with a new idea.</p> + +<p>The doctor had straitly forbidden me to enter Phillis's room; but +opening out of it was the apartment that was used as her nursery. There +would be a fire there: I would spend the rest of the night on a sofa in +front of it.</p> + +<p>I looked at my watch. It was one o'clock. I took a candle, walked +softly down the passage, and let myself quietly into the nursery. The +door leading into Phillis's room was ajar, and a slight smell of some +drug or disinfectant assailed my sharpened senses.</p> + +<p>The room was in darkness, except that a good fire burned in the +grate. A silent figure rose up from before it at my entrance.</p> + +<p>It was Robin. Somehow I was not in the least surprised to see him +there.</p> + +<p>"Come along," he said softly. "I was expecting you."</p> + +<br /> + +<p>We sat there for the rest of the long night. The house was very +still, but every quarter of an hour the Cathedral chimes across the +Close—our rooms lay in a quiet wing of the hotel, which formed a +hollow square with the Cathedral, Chapter-house, and +Canonries—furnished a musical break in the silence. So tensely +mechanical does one's brain become under such circumstances, that +presently I found myself anticipating the exact moment when the next +quarter would strike; and I remember feeling quite disappointed and +irritable if, when I said to myself <i>"Now!"</i> the chime did not ring +out for another fifteen seconds or so. Truly, at three o'clock on a +sleepless morning the grasshopper is a burden.</p> + +<p>Once Robin rose softly to his feet and turned towards the door of +Phillis's room. I had not heard any one move there, but when I looked +round Dolly was standing on the threshold. She was wrapped in a +kimono,—I remember its exact colour and pattern to this day, and +the curious manner in which the heraldic-looking animals embroidered +upon it winked at me in the firelight,—and she held an +incongruous-looking coal-scuttle in her hand. It was not by any means +empty, but she handed it to Robin with a little nod of authority and +vanished again.</p> + +<p>I looked listlessly at Robin, wondering what he was to do with the +coal-scuttle. He began to cut a newspaper into strips, after which he +picked suitable lumps of coal out of the scuttle and tied them up into +neat little paper packets, half a dozen of which he presently handed +through the door to Dolly. I suppose she placed them noiselessly on the +fire in Phillis's room, but we heard no sound.</p> + +<p>It was a bitterly cold night, and outside the snow was lying thick; +so Robin busied himself with preparing other little packets of coal, and +at intervals throughout the long night he passed them through the door +to the tireless Dolly.</p> + +<p>Various sounds came from within. Occasionally the child suffered +spasms of pain, and we could hear her crying. Then all-wise Nature would +grant the sorely tried little body a rest at the expense of the mind +that ruled it, and poor Phillis would drop into a sort of rambling +delirium, through which we perforce accompanied her. At one time she +would be wandering through some Elysian field of her own; we heard her +calling her mates and proposing all manner of attractive games. (Even +"Beckoning" was included. Once I distinctly heard her "choose" me.) But +more often she was in deadly fear. Her solitary little spirit was too +plainly beset by those nameless ghosts that haunt the borderland +separating the realms of Death from those of his brother Sleep. Once her +voice rose to a scream.</p> + +<p>"Uncle Robin! It's the Kelpie! Stop it! It's coming—it's +breaving on me! Uncle <i>Robin</i>! oh——!"</p> + +<p>I looked at Robin. He was sitting gripping the arms of his chair, +with every muscle in his body rigid; and I knew that he, like myself, +was praying God to strike down the cowardly devil that would torment a +child.</p> + +<p>Then I heard, for the first time that night, the soothing murmur of +Kitty's voice.</p> + +<p>"It's all right, dearie. Mother is holding you fast. It shan't hurt +you. There, it's running away now, isn't it? See!"</p> + +<p>Kitty's tones would have lightened the torments of the Pit, and +Phillis's cries presently died down to an uneasy whisper. After a sudden +and curiously pathetic little outburst of singing,—chiefly a +jumble of scraps from such old favourites as "Onward, Christian +<i>Sailors</i>!"—there was silence again, and the Cathedral chimed +out half-past four.</p> + +<p>Shortly after this the doctor came out of the room with a message +from Kitty that I ought to be in bed. Evidently Dolly had told her about +me.</p> + +<p>"How is she now, doctor?" I whispered, disregarding the command.</p> + +<p>"Up and down, up and down. She is making a brave fight of it, poor +lassie, but we can do little at present except stand by and give relief +when the bad fits come."</p> + +<p>"May I go in and see her?"</p> + +<p>"No, no! You could do no good, and she might be frightened if she +caught sight of a large dim figure in the dark. Leave it to the women, +and thank God for them. Hark!"</p> + +<p>Phillis was back in Elysium again.</p> + +<p>"Who's been eating my porridge?" said a gruff little voice. Then came +a rapturous shriek. Evidently the Little Bear had caught Curly Locks in +his bed. We sat listening, while the game ended and another followed in +its place. Suddenly she began to sing again—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + <div class="quote">"Then three times round went that gallant ship,</div> + <div class="in1">And three times round went she;</div> + <div>Then three times round went that gallant ship,</div> + <div class="in1">And—sank—to the—bottom of the sea—ea—ee—"</div> +</div> +</div> + +<p>There was a little wailing <i>rallentando</i>, and silence.</p> + +<p>"Philly, Philly, <i>don't</i>!" It was the only time that night that +Kitty gave any sign of breaking down. The doctor hurried back into the +room. The clock struck five.</p> + +<br /> + +<p>After that there was a very long silence. It must have lasted nearly +an hour. Then Dolly tiptoed out to us.</p> + +<p>"She's asleep," she whispered. "He says she's a shade better. I want +another coal-packet."</p> + +<p>She took what Robin gave her, and faded away.</p> + +<p>After that I think we dozed in our chairs. The next thing I remember +was a knock at the outer door. I opened my heavy eyes and stirred my +stiff joints. The Boots put his head in, and I realised it was +daylight.</p> + +<p>"Half-past eight, sir. Mr Cash is waiting downstairs. Poll's been +open half an hour, he says."</p> + +<hr /> + + +<h2><a name="chapter15" id="chapter15">CHAPTER FIFTEEN.</a></h2> + +<h3>TWO BATTLES.</h3> + + +<p>Before I left the hotel I struck a bargain with Cash. I would go +anywhere and do anything, but he was to give me a written itinerary of +my movements for the day, clearly stating where I should be at various +times. This document I left in the hands of Dolly, who promised +faithfully to send for me, if—if necessary.</p> + +<p>Then, putting my paternal instincts into my pocket, I braced myself +up and plunged into the vortex of polling-day.</p> + +<p>Truly, if Time is the healer, Work is the anesthetic. In the turmoil +of the crowded streets and polling-booths, I found myself almost as +enthusiastic and whole-hearted as if no little girl of mine were +fighting for life in a darkened room not many streets away. I shook +hands with countless folk, I addressed meetings of the unwashed at +street corners, and received the plaudits or execrations of the +multitude with equal serenity.</p> + +<p>Robin hastened away to the Hide-and-Tallow Works, whence, during the +dinner-hour, he charmed many an oleaginous elector to come and plump for +Inglethwaite, the Man Whom He Knew and Who Knew Him. Gerald and Donkin, +smothered in violets and primroses, were personally conducting a sort of +tumbril, which dashed across my field of vision from time to time, +sometimes full, sometimes empty, but always at full gallop.</p> + +<p>Election "incidents" were plentiful. I was standing in the principal +polling-station at one time, when a gentleman called Hoppett, a cobbler +by persuasion—I think I have already mentioned him as the +benignant individual who used to come to the door of his establishment +and pursue me with curses down the street—came out from recording +his vote. He did not see me, but caught sight of Robin, who had just +arrived with a <i>posse</i> of electors, and was standing by the +Returning Officer's table. Hobbling up, the cobbler shook a gnarled fist +under my secretary's nose.</p> + +<p>"I've voted against your man," he shouted. "We're goin' to be rid of +the lot of you this time. Set of reskils!... I've put my mark against +Stridge, I have; and against Inglethwaite's name I've put a picture of a +big boot—one of my own making, too! The big boot!" he screamed +ecstatically—"that's what your man is a-going to get to-day. Set +of——"</p> + +<p>Robin smiled benignantly upon him, and glanced at the Returning +Officer.</p> + +<p>"You hear what this gentleman says?" he remarked.</p> + +<p>"I do," replied the official.</p> + +<p>"Is it not a fact that he has annulled his vote by making unnecessary +marks on his voting-paper?" continued Robin solemnly.</p> + +<p>"That is so," assented the Returning Officer. "I'm afraid your vote +won't count this time, Mr Hoppett. Good morning!"</p> + +<p>There was a roar of delighted laughter from friend and foe, and the +fermenting Hoppett was cast forth.</p> + +<p>I succeeded in getting back to the hotel for ten minutes at +luncheon-time. Dolly met me—pale, sleepless, but unbeaten.</p> + +<p>"The doctor is with her just now," she said. "She has been in fearful +pain, poor kiddy; but he has given her a drug of some sort, and she is +easier now."</p> + +<p>"Couldn't I see her, just a moment?" I said wistfully.</p> + +<p>"The answer to that question, sir," replied Dolly, "is in the +negative."</p> + +<p>We both smiled resolutely at this familiar tag, and Dolly +concluded—</p> + +<p>"Kitty is lying down. I made her. But she is going to get up when +they—I mean——"</p> + +<p>I detected a curious confusion in her voice.</p> + +<p>"When what?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"Nothing."</p> + +<p>I surveyed my sister-in-law uneasily</p> + +<p>"Are they expecting—a crisis, then?"</p> + +<p>"Yes—a sort of a one."</p> + +<p>"When?"</p> + +<p>Dolly seemed to consider.</p> + +<p>"About five," she said.</p> + +<p>"Hadn't I better be near, in case——?"</p> + +<p>"Where are you to be this afternoon?"</p> + +<p>"Hunnable."</p> + +<p>Dolly nodded her head reflectively.</p> + +<p>"When can you be back?" she asked.</p> + +<p>"I can do it by five, I should think."</p> + +<p>"That will be soon enough. The doctor said that if—you were +wanted, it would be about then. Good-bye, old gentleman!"</p> + +<p>"Good-bye, Dolly! Mind you go to bed." (We seem to have spent a large +portion of that twenty-four hours urging each other to go to bed.)</p> + +<p>Then I went back to work.</p> + +<p>Polling had been brisk during the dinner-hour, and both Cash and +Robin considered that we were doing fairly well. Things would be slack +at Stoneleigh itself during the afternoon, and the obvious and politic +course now was to drive over to the fishing village of Hunnable—I +had only time for one, and this was the most considerable—and +catch my marine constituents as they emerged from the ocean, +Proteus-like, between three and four o'clock.</p> + +<p>I did so, and for the space of an hour and a half I solicited the +patronage of innumerable tarry mariners, until their horny hands had +filled up the voting-papers and my own smelt to heaven of fish. It was a +quarter to five, and dark, before I escaped from the attentions of a +small but pertinacious group of inquirers who wanted to understand my +exact attitude on the question of trawling within the three-mile limit, +and proceeded at a hand-gallop back to Stoneleigh. (That odoriferous but +popular vehicle, the motor-car, was still in the +preceded-by-a-man-ten-yards-in-front-bearing-a-red-flag stage in those +days, and we had to rely on that antiquated but much more reliable +medium of transport, the horse.) The snow lay very heavily in places, +and our progress was not over-rapid. Moreover, passing the central +Committee Rooms on my way to the hotel, I was stopped and haled within +to conciliate various wobblers, and another twenty minutes of precious +time sped. But I stuck to my determination to let nothing interfere with +duty that day, and I argued with free-thinkers and pump-handled bemused +supporters until all was settled and Cash said I might go.</p> + +<p>Still, it was nearer six than five when my panting horses drew up at +the Cathedral Arms.</p> + +<p>There was no Dolly to receive me this time, but at the top of the +stairs leading to our rooms I met the doctor. He was accompanied by a +grey-haired, kind-eyed old gentleman in a frock-coat, with "London +Specialist" written all over him. It was Sir James Fordyce.</p> + +<p>"Well?" I asked feverishly as I shook hands.</p> + +<p>The two men motioned me into the sitting-room, and Farquharson said, +in a curiously uncertain fashion—</p> + +<p>"Mr Inglethwaite, we have done a thing which should not, properly, +have been done without your consent. Your secretary suggested the idea, +and I agreed. Mrs Inglethwaite made a point of our saying nothing to +you, and volunteered to take all responsibility on herself. She said you +were not to be worried. So I wired for Sir James——"</p> + +<p>"I see," I said, "and he operated?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, at three o'clock this afternoon. Indeed, your sister-in-law, I +think, purposely concealed from you——"</p> + +<p>"She did." That, then, was the "crisis" that Dolly had in her mind, +and that, too, was why she had told me to come back at five—when +everything would be well over!</p> + +<p>I continued—</p> + +<p>"And how have you—I mean—is she——?"</p> + +<p>"The operation," said the old man, "was entirely successful, and, as +it turned out, most necessary. But of course for so young a patient the +strain was terrible."</p> + +<p>"How is she?"</p> + +<p>"She came through finely, but I do not conceal from you the fact that +her life hangs by a thread."</p> + +<p>I had a premonition that something was going to be "broken" to me. I +dropped into a chair, and waited dully. Then I felt a hand on my +shoulder, and Sir James continued—</p> + +<p>"Just weakness, you understand! Her exhaustion when she came out of +the chloroform was extreme, but every moment now is in our favour. +Children have such extraordinary recuperative power."</p> + +<p>He was speaking in the usual cheery tones of the bedside optimist. I +raised my head.</p> + +<p>"Tell me straight, Sir James—will the child live?"</p> + +<p>The old man's grip on my shoulder tightened just for a moment, and +when he spoke it was in an entirely unprofessional voice.</p> + +<p>"Thanks to two of the bravest and most devoted of women," he said, "I +think she will."</p> + +<p>I dropped my head into my hands.</p> + +<p>"Please God!" I murmured brokenly.</p> + +<p>"Of course," he continued, "anything may happen yet. But the way in +which she has been cared for by my good friend here——"</p> + +<p>"No, no," said Farquharson. "Give the credit to those that deserve +it. I just afforded ordinary professional assistance. It was your wife +and her sister, Mr Inglethwaite, that pulled the child through. She has +had tight hold of a hand of one of them ever since ten o'clock last +night."</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Sir James; "I think it will be found that their nursing +has just made the difference. You had better give him something, +Farquharson."</p> + +<p>In truth I needed something, though up to this point I had not +realised the fact. Farquharson gave me a draught out of a little glass, +which sent a steadying glow all through me, and presently I was able to +shake hands, dumbly and mechanically, with the great surgeon, who, I +found, was bidding me good-bye; for the world is full of sick folk, and +their champion may not stay to see the issue of one battle before he +must hurry off to fight another.</p> + +<p>They left me to myself, while Farquharson went down to the door with +Sir James. Presently he returned.</p> + +<p>"I must be getting back to the patient shortly," he said. "The next +hour or so will be very critical. The nurse is here, and I have sent the +ladies to bed. But you may go in for a look, if you like. I am going out +for exactly ten minutes."</p> + +<p>"I see—a breather. You deserve it."</p> + +<p>"Not exactly. I'm going to vote—for Stridge!"</p> + +<p>He chuckled in a marvellously cheering way, and left me.</p> + +<p>As I approached Phillis's room the door opened, and I was confronted +with that most soothing and comforting of sights to a sick man—a +nurse's uniform. She was a pleasant-faced girl, I remember, and she was +carrying a basin full of sponges and water, cruelly tinged.</p> + +<p>"Just a peep!" she said, with that little air of motherly sternness +which all women, however young, adopt towards fractious children and +helpless males.</p> + +<p>She closed the door very softly upon me, and left me alone.</p> + +<p>For a moment I stood uncertain in the shadow of the screen that +guarded the door. There was a whiff of chloroform in the air, and +through the doorway leading to the room where we had sat throughout the +previous night I could see the end of a white-covered table. Thank God, +that part of the business was over!</p> + +<p>A shaded lamp burned at Phillis's bedside. She lay deathly still, an +attenuated little derelict amid an ocean of white bed-clothes.</p> + +<p>At first I thought I was alone with the child, and was moving softly +forward when I became suddenly aware that some one was kneeling at the +far side of the bed. It was Kitty. Evidently she had not obeyed the +doctor's orders about going to bed.</p> + +<p>A single ray from the lamp fell upon her face. Her eyes were wide +open, and she seemed to be looking straight at me. Her lips were moving, +and I became aware that she was speaking, very earnestly and almost +inaudibly.</p> + +<p>I stood still to hear her. Then I realised that her words were not +addressed to me. Very carefully I stepped back to the door-handle, +turned it, and slipped out.</p> + +<hr /> + + +<h2><a name="chapter16" id="chapter16">CHAPTER SIXTEEN.</a></h2> + +<h3>"QUI PERD, GAGNE."</h3> + + +<p>Once more I was back in the thick of it all, and till the closing of +the poll at eight o'clock I strove, in company with Cash, Robin, and +others, to direct the inclinations of my constituents into the proper +channels.</p> + +<p>The tumult increased as the evening advanced. More snow had fallen +during the afternoon, and outlying electors were being conveyed to the +scene of action with the utmost difficulty. People were voting at seven +o'clock who had intended to get it done and be home by six; and as time +wore on it was seen that there would be a desperate rush of business +right up till closing time.</p> + +<p>Every one was in high spirits. That potent factor in British +politics, the electioneering egg, had been entirely superseded by the +snowball, and the youth of Stoneleigh, massed in the public square +outside the Town Hall, were engaged, with a lofty indifference to party +distinctions that would have been sublime if it had not been so painful, +in an untrammelled bombardment of all who crossed their path.</p> + +<p>At length the Cathedral chimed out the hour of eight, and the poll +closed. Cash hurried up to me.</p> + +<p>"It's going to be a desperately close thing," he said. "The counting +will begin at once, in the Mayor's room on the first floor of the Town +Hall. The outlying boxes should be in by half-past nine at the latest, +and the result should be out by about eleven. You'll come and watch the +counting, I suppose."</p> + +<p>But there are limits to human endurance.</p> + +<p>"Mr Cash," I said, buttoning my overcoat up to my ears as a +preliminary to an encounter with the budding statesmen outside, "I think +I have got to the end of my day's work. Nothing can affect the result +now, and I'm going home—that's flat. Good-night!"</p> + +<p>"Surely you're coming to hear the result announced," wailed Cash. +"There's the vote of thanks to the Returning Officer. You'll have to +propose that—or second it," he added grimly.</p> + +<p>"Well, I'll see. But I think, now that the poll is closed, that my +duty lies elsewhere," I said. "If I am really wanted, send word by Mr +Fordyce."</p> + +<p>Five minutes later, and I was once more at the Cathedral Arms. The +ground floor of that hostelry hummed like a hive, and the bar and +smoking-room were filled to overflowing with supporters of both sides, +who were prudently avoiding all risk of disappointment by celebrating +the result of the election in advance.</p> + +<p>I pushed my way through a group of enthusiastic patriots—many +of them in that condition once described to me by a sporting curate as +"holding two or three firkins apiece"—who crowded round me, fired +with a desire to drink success to the British Constitution—a rash +shibboleth, by the way, for gentlemen in their situation to attempt to +enunciate at all—at my expense, and hastened upstairs to our +wing.</p> + +<p>In the passage I met the nurse. She greeted me with a little smile; +but I was mistrustful of professional cheerfulness that night.</p> + +<p>"Will you tell Mrs Inglethwaite or Miss Rubislaw that I have come in, +please?" I said, and turned into the sitting-room.</p> + +<p>The sight of a snug room or a bright fire or a colossal arm-chair is +always comforting to a weary man, even though his thoughts admit of +little rest. I sank down amid these comforts, and closed my eyes. Now +that my long day's play-acting was over, and nothing mattered any more, +I began to realise how great the strain had been. I was utterly done. I +had no clear recollection of having tasted food since breakfast, but I +was not hungry. All I wanted was to be left in peace. Even the sickening +anxiety about Phillis had died down to a sort of dull ache. In a few +minutes a too-wakeful mind struggled with an exhausted body. I wondered +dimly when somebody would come and tell me how Philly was. +Perhaps——</p> + +<p>I fell asleep.</p> + +<p>I was awakened by the consciousness of a second presence in my +arm-chair, which was a roomy one of the saddle-bag variety. It was +Kitty. Presently I became aware that she was crying, softly, as women +usually do,—men gulp noisily, because they have lost control of +themselves, and children wail, chiefly to attract attention,—but +so softly on this occasion that I knew she was trying to avoid +disturbing me.</p> + +<p>It had happened, then.</p> + +<p>Well, obviously, this was one of the rare occasions upon which a +husband can be of some use to his wife. I sat up, and made a clumsy +effort at a caress.</p> + +<p>"We've still got each other," I said, rather brokenly.</p> + +<p>Kitty positively laughed.</p> + +<p>"Adrian, you don't understand. Philly roused up for a few minutes +about eight o'clock,—very <i>piano</i>, poor mite, but almost +herself,—and then dropped off into a beautiful sleep, bless her! +The doctor has gone home and left the nurse in charge. He says things +should be all right now. Oh, Adrian, Adrian!"</p> + +<p>And my wife sobbed afresh.</p> + +<p>"Then what the—what on earth are you crying for?" I +demanded.</p> + +<p>"I don't know, dear," said Kitty, without making any attempt to stop. +"I'm so happy!"</p> + +<p>Really, women are the most extraordinary creatures. Here was I, after +the labour and anxiety of the last twenty-four hours, ready to shout for +joy. I was no longer tired: I felt as if my day's work had never been. I +wanted to sing—to dance—to give three cheers in a whisper. +And my wife, after giving me a very bad fright, was sitting celebrating +our victory by a flood of tears and other phenomena usually attributed +by the masculine mind to unfathomable woe. It was all very perplexing, +and I felt a trifle ill-used; but I suppose it was one of the things +that mark the difference between a man and a woman.</p> + +<p>After that we sat long and comfortably. Our conversation need not be +set down here, for it has no bearing on this chronicle.</p> + +<p>Finally we looked at the clock, and then at each other.</p> + +<p>"We must have been sitting here a long time," I said. "I wonder where +the others are."</p> + +<p>"By the way," said Kitty, "Dilly and Dicky have arrived. Robin and +Dolly wired for them this morning. They may be upstairs any moment. They +were having supper in the coffee-room when last I saw them." She patted +her hair. "Do I look an awful fright?"</p> + +<p>I turned in the restricted space at my command and surveyed her.</p> + +<p>"Do my eyes look wet?" she inquired, feeling in my pocket for my +handkerchief.</p> + +<p>Kitty has large grey eyes. Once, during the most desperate period of +our courtship, I referred to them as "twin lakes"—an indiscretion +which their owner, in her less generous moments, still casts up to me. +But to-night the territory surrounding them presented a distinct +appearance of inundation. I continued to gaze. I thought of last night's +ceaseless vigil and to-day's long-drawn battle. My wife had borne the +brunt of all, and I had grudged her a few tears! My heart smote me.</p> + +<p>"Kit!" I said suddenly; "poor Kit!"...</p> + +<p>We were interrupted by the opening of the door and the entrance of +what I at first took to be a chimney-sweep's apprentice, but which +proved to be my brother-in-law, with evidence of electoral strenuousness +written thick upon him.</p> + +<p>"Hallo, you two!" he remarked genially. Then, noticing our +unconventional economy of sitting-space—"Sorry! I didn't know. I +thought you'd given up that sort of thing years ago!"</p> + +<p>I rose and shook myself.</p> + +<p>"Come in, my son," I said.</p> + +<p>"Righto!" replied Gerald. Then he addressed himself to a figure +which, with true delicacy of feeling, had shrunk back into the passage +outside.</p> + +<p>"Come in, Moke, old man. I've got them separated now!"</p> + +<p>The discreet Master Donkin sidled respectfully in at the door, and +Gerald continued.</p> + +<p>"Moke and I would like to say how pleased we are to hear about +Phillis," he said, rather awkwardly for him. "We have just got to hear +how really bad she's been."</p> + +<p>The resolution was seconded by a confirmatory mumble from Master +Donkin.</p> + +<p>"We met the nurse just now," continued Gerald, "and she told us about +the operation, and all that. It must have been a pretty thick day for +you, Adrian. And you're looking pretty rotten, too, Kitty," he added +with brotherly directness. "But do you people know what time it is? +Half-past eleven, nearly. The result should be out any minute. Aren't +you coming to the Town Hall? They'll want you to make a speech, or get +egged, or something."</p> + +<p>I looked at my watch.</p> + +<p>"Well, there's no particular reason why I shouldn't +go—<i>now</i>," I said. "What do you say, Kitty? Hark! What's +that?"</p> + +<p>"That's the result, I expect," said my brother-in-law.</p> + +<p>We drew up the blind and opened the window. The moon was shining +brightly, and threw the monstrous shadow of the Cathedral very blackly +upon the untrodden snow of the peaceful Close. Through the clear night +air came the sound of frenzied cheering.</p> + +<p>"That's it, right enough," said Gerald. "I wonder if you've got the +chuck, my bonny boy."</p> + +<p>"Ugh! It is cold! Come in," said Kitty.</p> + +<p>We shut the window, drew down the blind, returned to the fire, and +waited. Dolly joined us now, and Kitty vanished to sit by Phillis. We +waited on. Somehow it never occurred to us to send downstairs for news. +I suppose there are times when the human craving for sensation is sated. +We sat and waited.</p> + +<p>At last the door opened, and, as I expected, Robin entered. He looked +like a man who has not been to bed for a week. He shut the door softly +behind him—evidently he feared he might be entering a house of +mourning—and surveyed us for a moment without speaking. I knew +what was in his mind. Then he said—</p> + +<p>"We have lost."</p> + +<p>I stood up.</p> + +<p>"On the contrary," I replied, "we have won."</p> + +<p>In a bound Robin was on the hearth-rug, gripping my hand with his. +(His other had somehow got hold of one of Dolly's, and I remember +wondering if he was hurting her as much as me.)</p> + +<p>"You mean it?" he roared.</p> + +<p>"I do. She is sleeping like a lamb."</p> + +<p>"Oh, man, I'm just glad! What does <i>anything</i> matter after +that?"</p> + +<p>Then we sat down and smiled upon each other largely and vacuously. We +were all a little unstrung that night, I think. After all, it seems +rather unreasonable to lavish one's time, labour, and money on an +electoral contest, and then laugh when you lose, and say it doesn't +matter, just because a child isn't going to die. Oh, I am glad Mr Cash +was not there!</p> + +<p>"But I must tell you what happened when the result was read out," +said Robin. "It was a near thing—a majority of twenty-seven. (I +don't think it is worth while to ask for a recount: everything was done +very carefully.) When the figures went up there was the usual +hullabaloo——"</p> + +<p>"We heard it, thanks," said Gerald.</p> + +<p>"And presently Stridge stepped out on to the balcony and bowed his +acknowledgments. There was a lot more yelling and horn-blowing, and then +they began to cry out for Inglethwaite."</p> + +<p>"Naturally. Yes?"</p> + +<p>"They were quiet at last, and Stridge got his speech in. He talked +the usual blethers about having struck a blow that night that would ring +through England,—just what <i>you</i> would have had to say if you +had got in, in fact,—and <i>then</i> he went on, the old sumph, to +say that for reasons best known to himself his <i>honourable</i> +opponent had seen fit to withhold his presence from them that night, and +he begged leave to add that he considered that a man, even though he +knew he was going to be beaten, ought to have the pluck to come and face +the music."</p> + +<p>"Mangy bounder!" remarked my brother-in-law dispassionately.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I was just raging!" continued Robin. "The people of course +yelled themselves hoarse; and Stridge was going on to rub it into you, +when I stepped on to the balcony beside him—I had been standing +just inside the window—and I put my hand on Stridge's fat shoulder +and I pulled him back a wee thing, and I roared—</p> + +<p>"'Gentlemen, will you not let me say a word for Mr +Inglethwaite?'"</p> + +<p>Dolly's eyes began to blaze, and I saw her lips part in +anticipation.</p> + +<p>"There was a tremendous uproar then," Robin went on with relish. "The +folk howled to Stridge to put me over the balcony——"</p> + +<p>"I wish he had tried!" said Gerald with simple fervour.</p> + +<p>"And other folk cried to me to go on. They knew there must be some +explanation of your absence. I just stood there and let them roar. +Inside the room there was a fine commotion; and with the tail of my eye +I could see Cash hurrying round explaining to them what I wanted to say. +(He has his points, Cash!) Then at last, as the noise got worse and +worse, I put my mouth to Stridge's ear and bellowed that he would regret +it all his life if he didn't let me say what I had to say, and that he +would be grateful to me afterwards, and all that. He is a decent old +buffer, really, and he was evidently impressed with what I +said——"</p> + +<p>"I should like to know exactly what you did say, Robin," I +interpolated.</p> + +<p>"Never mind just now. Anyhow, he turned and clambered back into the +room, and left me with the crowd. They were soon quiet, and I just told +them."</p> + +<p>Robin leaned back in his chair.</p> + +<p>"Told them <i>what</i>?" came from all parts of the room.</p> + +<p>But Robin had become suddenly and maddeningly Caledonian again.</p> + +<p>"I just told them about Philly," he said. "What else could I do? It +wasn't like telling them during the election. That would have been an +appeal to the gallery for votes. This was just common justice to you. +Anyhow, they quite quietened down after that."</p> + +<p>And that was all the report that its author ever gave us of a speech +which, in the space of four minutes, turned a half-maddened election mob +into a silent, a sympathetic, and (I heard afterwards) a deeply moved +body of sober human beings.</p> + +<p>"What happened next?" asked Kitty, who had rejoined us. (Phillis was +still sleeping sweetly, she said.)</p> + +<p>"After that I hauled old Stridge on to the balcony again and gave him +a congratulatory hand-shake, <i>coram populo</i>, on your behalf. Then I +retired and slipped out by a back way and came here. Stridge was in full +eruption again when I left——"</p> + +<p>Dolly held up her hand.</p> + +<p>"What is that curious noise?" she said.</p> + +<p>"It's outside," said Kitty.</p> + +<p>Gerald went to the window and lifted the blind. Then he turned to +us.</p> + +<p>"I say," he said in an unusual voice, "come here a minute."</p> + +<p>We drew up the blind and surveyed the scene before us.</p> + +<p>Two minutes before the moon had shone upon an untrodden expanse of +snow. Now the Close was black with people. There must have been two or +three thousand. They stood there in the gleaming moonlight, silent, +motionless, like an army of phantoms. At their head and +forefront—I could see the moonlight glitter on his watch-chain, +which lay in a most favourable position for lunar reflection—stood +the newly elected Member for Stoneleigh, Mr Alderman Stridge.</p> + +<p>Simultaneously there was a knock at the door, and the hall-porter of +the hotel appeared.</p> + +<p>"Mr Stridge's compliments, sir, and he would like to have a word with +you."</p> + +<p>"Go down quickly, Adrian," said Kitty anxiously. "They'll wake +Philly!"</p> + +<p>I descended without a word, and passed out into the Close from a +French window on the ground floor.</p> + +<p>I glanced up in the direction of our rooms and noticed that my party +were standing on the balcony outside the sitting-room. I could see +Kitty's anxious face. But she need have had no fear.</p> + +<p>Mr Stridge advanced towards me, silk hat in hand. Behind him stood a +variety of Stoneleigh worthies, and I had time to notice that the group +was composed of an indiscriminate mixture of friends and foes.</p> + +<p>"Mr Inglethwaite, sir," said Stridge, "I should like to shake you by +the hand."</p> + +<p>He did so, as did a few of those immediately around us, in perfect +silence. I wondered what was coming.</p> + +<p>"That is all, sir," said Stridge simply, and not without a certain +dignity. "We shall move off now. We did you a wrong to-night, and we all +of us"—he indicated the motionless multitude with a sweep of his +hand—"agreed to come here in silence, just for a moment, as an +indication of our sympathy and—respect."</p> + +<p>I was unable to speak, which was not altogether surprising. There was +something overwhelming about the dumb kindness of it all,—three +thousand excited folk holding themselves in for fear of disturbing a +sick child,—and I merely shook Stridge's hand again.</p> + +<p>However, I found my voice at last.</p> + +<p>"Mr Stridge," I said, "there is only one thing I will say in response +to your kindness, but I think it is the one thing most calculated to +reward you all for it. To-night my little girl's illness took a +favourable turn. She is now fast asleep, and practically out of +danger."</p> + +<p>I saw a great ripple pass over the crowd, like a breeze over a +cornfield, as the news sped from mouth to mouth. Both Stridge's great +hands were on my shoulders.</p> + +<p>"Good lad!" he said. "Good lad!"</p> + +<p>He patted my shoulders again, and then, as if struck by a sudden +idea, he turned and whispered a direction to his lieutenants. I +overheard the words "Market Square," and "A good half mile away." Once +more the wave passed over the cornfield, and without a sound the great +concourse turned to the left and streamed away over the trampled snow, +leaving me standing bareheaded on the steps of the French window, almost +directly below the spot where the unconscious little object of all this +consideration lay fast asleep.</p> + +<p>I returned to the group on the balcony. They had heard most of the +conversation, and Kitty was unaffectedly dabbing her eyes.</p> + +<p>"Well, let us get in out of the cold," I said, suddenly cheerful and +brisk. "I want my supper."</p> + +<p>"Wait a moment," said Robin, "I don't think everything is quite over +yet. What is that? Listen!"</p> + +<p>From the direction of the Market Square came the shouts of a great +multitude. Cheer upon cheer floated up to the starry heavens. The roars +that had greeted the declaration of the poll were nothing to these. +There was a united ring about them that had been lacking in the others. +It was like one whole-hearted many-headed giant letting off steam.</p> + +<p>"A-a-h!" said Kitty.</p> + +<hr /> + + +<h2><a name="chapter17" id="chapter17">CHAPTER SEVENTEEN.</a></h2> + +<h3>IN WHICH ALL'S RIGHT WITH THE WORLD.</h3> + + +<p>After that we became suddenly conscious of our bodily wants, +and clamoured for supper.</p> + +<p>It was long after midnight, and most of the hotel servants had gone +to bed. But one waiter of political leanings, who had been an +enthusiastic witness of the proceedings in the Close, stood by us nobly. +He laid a table in the sitting-room. He materialised a cold turkey, a +brown loaf, and some tomatoes; and he even achieved table-napkins. +Gerald and Donkin on their part disappeared into the nether regions, and +returned bearing mince-pies and cider. Some one else found champagne and +opened it; and in a quarter of an hour we were left to ourselves by the +benignant waiter round a comfortably loaded table, in a snug room with +the fire burning and the curtains drawn.</p> + +<p>It was an eccentric kind of meal, for every one was overflowing with +a sort of reactionary hilarity; and everybody called everybody else "old +man" or "my dear," and I was compelled to manipulate my food with my +left hand owing to the fact that my wife insisted on clinging tightly to +my right. The only times I got a really satisfactory mouthful were when +she slipped out of the room to see how her daughter was sleeping.</p> + +<p>As the meal progressed, I began to note the exceedingly domestic and +intimate manner in which we were seated round the table, which was small +and circular. Kitty and I sat together; then, on our right, came Dicky +and Dilly, then Gerald and Donkin, each partially obscured from view by +a bottle of cider about the size of an Indian club; and Dolly and Robin +completed the circle.</p> + +<p>The party comported themselves variously. Kitty and I said little. We +were utterly tired and dumbly thankful, and had no desire to contribute +greatly to the conversation; but we turned and looked at one another in +a contented sort of way at times. Dicky and Dilly were still +sufficiently newly married to be more or less independent of other +people's society, and they kept up a continuous undercurrent of +lover-like confidences and playful nothings all the time. Gerald, upon +whom solid food seemed to have the effect that undiluted alcohol has +upon ordinary folk, was stentoriously engaged with Mr Donkin in what a +student of <i>Paley's Evidences</i> would have described as "A Contest +of Opposite Improbabilities" concerning his election experiences.</p> + +<p>Lastly, I turned to Dolly and Robin. Dolly's splendid vitality has +stood her in good stead during the last twenty-four hours, and this, +combined with the present flood-tide of joyous relief, made it hard to +believe that she had spent a day and a night of labour and anxiety. She +was much more silent than usual, but her face was flushed and happy, and +somehow I was reminded of the time when I had watched her greeting the +dawn on the morning after Dilly's wedding. Robin, with the look of a man +who has a hard day's work behind him, a full meal inside him, and a +sound night's sleep before him—and what three greater blessings +could a man ask for himself?—sat beside her, smiling largely and +restfully on the company around him.</p> + +<p>Suddenly Dicky made an announcement.</p> + +<p>"There is one more bottle," he said. "Come on, let's buzz it!"</p> + +<p>He opened the champagne in a highly professional manner and filled up +our glasses. Gerald and Donkin declined, but helped themselves to fresh +jorums of cider.</p> + +<p>Then there was a little pause, and we all felt that some one ought to +make a speech or propose a toast.</p> + +<p>"Shall we drink some healths?" proposed Dilly.</p> + +<p>There was a chorus of assent.</p> + +<p>"We will each propose one," I said, "right round the table in turn. +Ladies first! Yours, Kitty? I suppose it will be Philly—eh?"</p> + +<p>Kitty nodded.</p> + +<p>"Ladies and gentlemen," I announced, "you are asked to drink to the +speedy recovery of Miss Phillis Inglethwaite. This toast is proposed by +her mother, and seconded by her father."</p> + +<p>The toast was drunk with all sincerity, but soberly, as befitted.</p> + +<p>"Now, Dilly," I said, when we were ready again.</p> + +<p>Dilly whispered something to her husband, which was received by that +gentleman with a modest and deprecatory cough, coupled with an urgent +request that his wife would chuck it.</p> + +<p>"He won't announce my toast for me," explained Dilly, turning to +us—"he's too shy, poor dear!—so I'll do it myself. Ladies +and gentlemen, the toast is—Dicky!"</p> + +<p>Dicky's health was drunk with cheers and laughter, and Dilly +completed its subject's confusion by kissing him.</p> + +<p>"Now, Dolly!" said every one.</p> + +<p>"Not yet!" said Dolly. "Gerald and Moke are the next pair. Gerald +must act lady, and think of a toast."</p> + +<p>Master Gerald, hastily bolting a solid mass of mince-pie—one +could almost follow the course of its descent—cheerfully +complied.</p> + +<p>"All right," he said; "I think I'll drink the health of old Moke +himself. He's not much to look at, but he's a good sort. I shan't kiss +him, though, Dilly. And," he added, "I think he had better drink mine +too. He looks thirsty. Come on, sonny—no heeltaps!"</p> + +<p>He elaborately linked arms with the now comatose Donkin, and each +thereupon absorbed, without drawing breath, about a pint of cider +apiece. After that, with a passing admonition to his friend not to +burst, my brother-in-law returned to his repast.</p> + +<p>So far, the toasts had all been of a most conventional and inevitable +character. Now, automatically but a little tactlessly, we all turned to +see what Dolly and Robin were going to do. From the standpoint of the +last two toasts they were certainly in a rather delicate position.</p> + +<p>"Come on, you two!" commanded Gerald. "Do something! Make a +spring!"</p> + +<p>Robin took up his glass of champagne and turned rather inquiringly to +Dolly.</p> + +<p>Without a word she linked her arm in his, and they drank +together.</p> + +<p>"Oh, come, I say, that's not fair! Whose health were you drinking, +Robin, old man?" inquired the tactless Dicky.</p> + +<p>"I was drinking to the future Mrs Fordyce—whoever she may be!" +said Robin, obviously apologetic at being unable to think of anything +more sparkling.</p> + +<p>"Whose health were <i>you</i> drinking, Dolly?" yelled Gerald, with +much enjoyment.</p> + +<p>Then Dolly did a startling thing.</p> + +<p>Robin's hand lay resting on the table beside her. Into it she +deliberately slipped, her own; and then gazed—flushed and defiant, +but proud and smiling—round a circle composed entirely of faces +belonging to people suffering from the gapes.</p> + +<p>I glanced at Robin. He looked perfectly dumfounded, but I saw his +hand close automatically round Dolly's fingers, and I saw, too, her pink +nails go white under the pressure.</p> + +<p>But Dolly seemed to feel no pain. On the contrary, she continued to +smile upon us. Then, bowing her head quickly, before any of us realised +what she would be at, she lightly kissed the great hand which imprisoned +her own. Then she looked up again, with glistening eyes.</p> + +<p>"There!" she said. "<i>Now</i> you know!"</p> + +<p>Our breath came back, and the spellbound silence was broken.</p> + +<p>"<i>Dolly</i>!" said Kitty.</p> + +<p>"My <i>dear</i>!" said Dilly.</p> + +<p>"What—<i>ho</i>!" drawled Dicky.</p> + +<p>But it was Gerald who rounded off the situation. He was standing on +the table by this time.</p> + +<p>"Three cheers for Dolly and Robin!" he roared.</p> + +<p>We gave them, with full throats. (Fortunately we were a long way from +Phillis's room.)</p> + +<p>After that we all sat down again, feeling a little awkward, as people +do when they have taken the lid off their private feelings for a moment. +Finally Kitty led off with—</p> + +<p>"But, Dolly, dear, why didn't you tell us? When was it?"</p> + +<p>"I didn't tell you before," said Dolly composedly, "because it has +only just happened—this moment."</p> + +<p>"Only this moment? But——"</p> + +<p>"Do you mean to say he hasn't <i>asked</i> you? Oh——"</p> + +<p>"Are you asking <i>him</i>?"</p> + +<p>The questions came simultaneously from all parts of the table; +horribly inquisitive, some of them; but then the thing had been so +frankly and deliberately done, that we knew Dolly wanted to explain +everything to us there and then.</p> + +<p>"I'll tell you," said Dolly, after silence had been restored by the +fact that Gerald had shouted us all down and then stopped himself. +"Robin told me—well—something, six months ago, the night +after Dilly's wedding, at the dance——"</p> + +<p>"That <i>was</i> why you locked the door, then," I said +involuntarily.</p> + +<p>Both Robin and Dolly turned upon me in real amazement. But I saw that +this side-issue would interrupt the story.</p> + +<p>"Never mind!" I said. "Go on! I'll explain afterwards."</p> + +<p>"Well," continued Dolly, "he said to me—may I tell them, +Robin?" She turned to the man beside her with a pretty air of deference. +Robin, who up to this point had sat like a graven image, inclined his +head, and Dolly proceeded—</p> + +<p>"I have never told anybody about this—except Dilly, of +course."</p> + +<p>"I've got the letter still," said Dilly.</p> + +<p>"Robin told me," Dolly went on, "that he wasn't going to ask me to +marry him at present, because he had some childish idea—it is +perfectly <i>idiotic</i> to think of; but—he thought he wasn't +quite—well, <i>good</i> enough for me!"</p> + +<p>"What rot!" said Dicky.</p> + +<p>"Muck!" observed Gerald.</p> + +<p>"But he said that he would ask me properly later on, as soon as he +considered that he was good enough," continued Dolly. "And as he still +seems to think," she concluded with more animation, "that he is not +quite up to standard, it occurred to me to-night, as we were all here in +a jolly little party, to notify him that he is. So I did. That's all. +Robin, you are hurting my hand!"</p> + +<p>Robin relaxed his grip at last, and remorsefully surveyed the +bloodless fingers that lay in his palm. Then, with a rather shamefaced +look all round the table, as much as to say—"I should like fine to +restrain myself from doing this before you all, but I +<i>can't</i>!"—he bent his head and kissed them in his turn.</p> + +<p>And that was how Robin and Dolly plighted their troth at +last—openly, without shame, and for all to see.</p> + +<br /> + +<p>Robin and I lingered at the turning of a passage, lit only by our two +flickering bedroom candles.</p> + +<p>"Well, we can't complain of having had an uneventful day," I +said.</p> + +<p>"I'm sorry we didn't scrape other twenty-eight votes," said Robin +characteristically.</p> + +<p>"Never mind!" I said. "I shall be none the worse of a holiday for a +year or two. If you will kindly take Dolly off our hands as quickly as +possible"—he caught his breath at that—"Kitty and I and +Phillis will go a trip round the world together. Then I'll come home and +fight a by-election, perhaps."</p> + +<p>"Meanwhile," said Robin, "you will be having no further need of a +private secretary."</p> + +<p>"I'm afraid not," I said. The fact had been tugging at my conscience +for the last two hours. "And that raises another question. What are you +two going to live on?"</p> + +<p>"Champion wants me," said Robin. "He has offered me the post of +Secretary to that Royal Commission of which he has been appointed +Chairman. It is a fine opening."</p> + +<p>"I should think it was!" I said with whole-hearted joy. "Good luck to +you, Robin!"</p> + +<p>"Thank you!" said Robin. "Still," he added, as he turned to go, "I +wish I could have found you twenty-eight more votes."</p> + +<p>"Between ourselves," I said, "I don't mind very much. I am not the +right man for this constituency. It has outgrown me. I have not the +knack of handling a big crowd. What I want is a fine old crusted +unprogressive seat, where I shan't constantly be compelled to drop my +departmental work and rush down to propitiate my supporters with +untruthful harangues. I'm a square peg here. Now, if they had wanted a +really fit and proper candidate for this Parliamentary Division, Robin, +they ought to have approached <i>you</i>."</p> + +<p>"Och!" said Robin carelessly, "they did—a month ago! Good +night!"</p> + +<hr /> + + +<h2><a name="chapter18" id="chapter18">CHAPTER EIGHTEEN.</a></h2> + +<h3>A PROPHET IN HIS OWN COUNTRY.</h3> + + +<p>An old woman in a white mutch stands at the door of a farmhouse in a +Scottish glen. Her face is wrinkled, and her dim eyes are peering down +the track which leads from the steading to the pasture. Being apparently +unable to focus what she wants to see she adjusts a pair of +spectacles.</p> + +<p>This action brings into her range of vision a distant figure which is +engaged in shepherding a herd of passive but resisting cows through a +gap in the dyke. It is a slow business, but the procession gradually +nears home; and when the man at the helm succeeds in steering his +sauntering charges safely between the Scylla of a hay-rick and the +Charybdis of the burn, the old lady takes off her spectacles and relaxes +her vigilance.</p> + +<p>When she looks again, though, she breaks into an exclamation of +dismay. The leaders of the straggling procession have safely reached the +door of the byre close by; but one frisky young cow, suddenly swerving +through an open gate, breaks away down a sloping field of turnips at a +lumbering gallop. The herdsman is out of sight round a bend in the +road.</p> + +<p>"The feckless body!" observes the old lady bitterly. Then she raises +her voice.</p> + +<p>"Elspeth!"</p> + +<p>A reply comes from within the dairy.</p> + +<p>"Ay, mem?"</p> + +<p>"You'll need tae leave the butter and help Master Robert. He's no +hand with the kye. He's let Heatherbell intill the neeps. And the +maister is away at——"</p> + +<p>With a muffled "Maircy me!" a heated young woman shoots out of a side +door and proceeds at the double to the assistance of the incompetent +cow-herd.</p> + +<p>At length the animals are rounded up into the byre, and Elspeth +proceeds with the milking.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile Master Robert, "the feckless body," stands in a rather +apprehensive attitude before the old lady. He is a huge man of about +forty-five. He is clean-shaven, and he has humorous grey eyes and dark +hair. Despite his homespun attire, he looks more like a leader of men +than a driver of cattle.</p> + +<p>"Robin Fordyce," says the old lady severely, "what garred ye loose +Heatherbell in among the neeps.</p> + +<p>"I'm sorry, mother. But I met Jean M'Taggart in the road, +and—we stopped for a bit crack."</p> + +<p>The old lady surveys her son witheringly over her glasses.</p> + +<p>"Dandering wi' Jean M'Taggart at your time of life! I'll sort Jean +M'Taggart when I see her. It's jist like her tae try and draw a lad from +his duty. And you! A married man these fifteen years! 'Deed, and it's +time yon lady wife of yours cam' here from London, tae pit a hand on +you."</p> + +<p>The big man's penitent face lights up with sudden enthusiasm.</p> + +<p>"She is coming to-morrow!" he roars exultantly.</p> + +<p>"Aye, you may pretend tae be glad! But she shall hear aboot Jean +M'Taggart all the same," replies the old lady.</p> + +<p>This, of course, is a tremendous joke, and the inquisition is +suspended while mother and son chuckle deeply at the idea of Dolly's +desperate jealousy. Suddenly Mrs Fordyce breaks off to ask a +question.</p> + +<p>"Did ye mind tae shut the gate of the west field?"</p> + +<p>Robin thinks, and then raises clenched hands to heaven in an agony of +remorse.</p> + +<p>His mother groans in a resigned sort of way.</p> + +<p>"Run!" she says, "or ye'll hae all the sheep oot in the road! Get +them back, and I'll no' tell David on ye!"</p> + +<p>Her son bounds away down the slope, but a further command pursues +him.</p> + +<p>"An' come back soon! I'll no' be getting you tae myself over much +after—to-morrow!"</p> + +<p>She sits down again in her chair outside the door in the afternoon +sun; for she is getting infirm now, and cannot stand up for long. With +an indulgent sigh she surveys the flying figure of the Right Honourable +Sir Robert Chalmers Fordyce, Privy Councillor and Secretary of State, as +he frantically endeavours to overtake and head off three staid ewes, +who, having strayed through the open gate, have just decided upon a +walking excursion to London.</p> + +<p>"A good lad!" she murmurs contentedly. "A good lad, and a good son; +and dae'n' weel. But—he's no' just David. It was always David that +had the heid on him."</p> + +<br /> + +<p>A prophet, we know, has no honour in his own country. Fortunately +some prophets prefer that this should be the case.</p> + +<br /> +<div class="center">THE END.</div> + +<br /><br /> +<div class="center">PRINTED BY WILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SONS.</div> + +<hr /> + + +<div class="center"><i>BY THE SAME AUTHOR.</i></div> + +<hr class="tiny" /> + +<div class="center">Crown 8vo, 6s.<br /><br /> + +A MAN'S MAN.<br /><br /> + +<i>Fourth Impression.</i><br /> +Popular Edition, Cloth, 1s. net.</div> + +<hr class="tiny" /> + +<div class="center">Crown 8vo, 6s.<br /><br /> + +THE RIGHT STUFF.<br /><br /> + +<i>Sixth Impression.</i><br /> +Popular Edition, Cloth, 1s. net.</div> + +<hr class="tiny" /> + +<div class="center">Crown 8vo, 6s.<br /><br /> + +PIP.<br /><br /> + +<i>Fourth Impression.</i><br /> +Popular Edition, Cloth, 1s. net.</div> + +<hr class="tiny" /> + +<div class="center">Crown 8vo, 6s.<br /><br /> + +A SAFETY MATCH.<br /><br /> + +<i>Third Impression.</i></div> + +<hr class="tiny" /> + +<div class="center">WILLIAM BLACKWOOD & SONS,<br /> +Edinburgh and London.</div> + +<hr /> + +</div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Right Stuff, by Ian Hay + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE RIGHT STUFF *** + +***** This file should be named 20904-h.htm or 20904-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/9/0/20904/ + +Produced by LM Bornath + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Right Stuff + Some Episodes in the Career of a North Briton + +Author: Ian Hay + +Release Date: March 25, 2007 [EBook #20904] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE RIGHT STUFF *** + + + + +Produced by LM Bornath + + + + + +"The Right Stuff" + + +Some Episodes in the Career of a North Briton + + +BY + +IAN HAY + + + +DR JOHNSON. Oatmeal, sir? The food of horses in England and of men in +Scotland! + +BOSWELL (_roused at last_). And where, sir, will you find such +horses--or such men? + + + +_SHILLING EDITION_ + + + +William Blackwood & Sons +Edinburgh and London +1912 + + + + +_TO_ + +_AN INDULGENT CRITIC_ + + + + +CONTENTS. + + +BOOK ONE. + +RAW MATERIAL. + + +CHAP. + + I. "OATMEAL AND THE SHORTER CATECHISM" + II. INTRODUCES A PILLAR OF STATE AND THE APPURTENANCES THEREOF + III. "ANENT" + IV. A TRIAL TRIP + V. ROBIN ON DUTY + VI. ROBIN OFF DUTY + VII. A DISSOLUTION OF PARTNERSHIP + VIII. OF A PIT THAT WAS DIGGED, AND WHO FELL INTO IT + IX. THE POLICY OF THE CLOSED DOOR + X. ROBIN'S WAY OF DOING IT + + +BOOK TWO. + +THE FINISHED ARTICLE. + + + XI. A MISFIRE + XII. THE COMPLEAT ANGLER + XIII. A HOSTAGE TO FORTUNE + XIV. "TO DIE--WILL BE AN _AWFULLY_ BIG ADVENTURE" + XV. TWO BATTLES + XVI. "_QUI PERD, GAGNE_" + XVII. IN WHICH ALL'S RIGHT WITH THE WORLD + XVIII. A PROPHET IN HIS OWN COUNTRY + + + + +BOOK ONE. + +RAW MATERIAL. + + + + +CHAPTER ONE. + +OATMEAL AND THE SHORTER CATECHISM. + + +The first and most-serious-but-one ordeal in the life of Robert Chalmers +Fordyce--so Robert Chalmers himself informed me years afterwards--was +the examination for the Bursary which he gained at Edinburgh University. +A bursary is what an English undergraduate would call a "Schol." +(Imagine a Scottish student talking about a "Burse"!) + +Robert Chalmers Fordyce arrived in Edinburgh pretty evenly divided +between helpless stupefaction at the sight of a great city and stern +determination not to be imposed upon by the inhabitants thereof. His +fears were not as deep-seated as those of Tom Pinch on a similar +occasion,--he, it will be remembered, suffered severe qualms from his +familiarity with certain rural traditions concerning the composition of +London pies,--but he was far from happy. He had never slept away from +his native hillside before; he had never seen a town possessing more +than three thousand inhabitants; and he had only once travelled in a +train. + +Moreover, he was proceeding to an inquisition which would decide once +and for all whether he was to go forth and conquer the world with a +university education behind him, or go back to the plough and sup +porridge for the rest of his life. To-morrow he was to have his +opportunity, and the consideration of how that opportunity could best be +gripped and brought to the ground blinded Robin even to the wonders of +the Forth Bridge. + +He sat in the corner of the railway carriage, passing in review the +means of conquest at his disposal. His actual stock of scholarship, he +knew, was well up to the required standard: he was as letter perfect in +Latin, Greek, Mathematics, and Literature as hard study and remorseless +coaching could make him. Everything needful was in his head--but could +he get it out again? That was the question. The roaring world in which +he would find himself, the strange examination-room, the quizzing +professors--would these combine with his native shyness to seal the lips +and cramp the pen of Robert Chalmers Fordyce? No--a thousand times no! +He would win through! Robert set his teeth, braced himself, and kicked +the man opposite. + +He apologised, attributing the discourtesy to the length of his legs--he +stood about six feet three--and smiled so largely and benignantly, that +the Man Opposite, who had intended to be thoroughly disagreeable, melted +at once, and said it was the fault of the Company for providing such +restricted accommodation, and gave Robert _The Scotsman_ to read. + +Robert thanked him, and, effacing himself behind _The Scotsman_,--though, +for all the instruction or edification that his present frame of mind +permitted him to extract from that coping-stone of Scottish journalism, +he might as well have been reading the Koran,--returned to his thoughts. +He collated in his mind the pieces of advice which had been bestowed +upon him by his elders and betters before his departure. In brief, +their collective wisdom came to this:-- + +His father had bidden him-- + +(a) To address all professors with whom he might come in contact as + "Sir"; + +(b) To arrive at the Examination each morning at least five minutes + before the advertised time; + +(c) To refrain from lending money to, or otherwise countenancing the + advances of, persons of insinuating address who would doubtless + accost him in the streets of Edinburgh. + +The Dominie had said-- + +"When in doubt, mind that practically everything in an examination +governs the subjunctive. + +"If there is a _viva voce_, be sure and speak up and give your answers +as though you were sure of them. They may be wrong, but on the other +hand they may be right. Anyway, the one thing the examiners will not +thole is a body that dithers. + +"Take a last keek at that Proposition--they _may_ call them Theorems, +though--about the Square on the Hypotenuse. It hasn't been set for four +years. + +"If you are given a piece of Greek Testament to translate, for mercy's +sake do not be too glib. Dinna translate a thing until you are sure it +is there. They have an unholy habit of leaving out a couple of verses +some place in the middle, and you're just the one to tumble head-first +into the _lacuna_. (I ken ye, Robbie!) + +"And whatever ye do, just bear in mind it's your only chance, and _grup_ +on tae it! _Post est occasio calva_, laddie! And dinna disappoint an +auld man that has taught ye all he kens himsel'!" + +Much of his mother's advice was of a kind that could not be expressed so +concisely, but two salient items remained fixed in Robert's mind:-- + +"If ye canna think o' the richt word, pit up a bit prayer. + +"For ony sake see that your collar is speckless a' the time." + +Robert's first impressions of Edinburgh were disappointing. Though +extensive enough, the city was not so great or so imposing as he had +expected. It was entirely roofed with glass,--a provision which, though +doubtless advantageous in wet weather, militated against an adequate +supply of sunlight and fresh air. The shops, of which Robin had heard so +much, were few in number; and the goods displayed therein (mainly food +and drink, newspapers and tobacco) compared unfavourably in point of +variety with those in the window of Malcolm M'Whiston, the "merchant" at +home. The inhabitants all appeared to be in a desperate hurry, and the +noise of the trains, which blocked every thoroughfare, was deafening. +Robert Chalmers was just beginning to feel thoroughly disappointed with +the Scottish capital, when it occurred to him to mount a flight of +stairs which presented itself to his view and gave promise of a second +storey at least. When he reached the top he found he had judged +Edinburgh too hastily. There was some more of it. + +His horizon thus suddenly enlarged, Robert Chalmers Fordyce began to +take in his surroundings. He now found himself in a great street, with +imposing buildings on one side and a green valley on the other. On the +far side of the valley the ground ran steeply upward to an eminence +crowded thickly with houses and topped by a mighty castle. + +The street was alive with all sorts of absorbingly interesting traffic; +but for the present Robert was chiefly concerned with the Cable Cars. It +was upon one of these majestic vehicles, which moved down the street +unassisted by any apparent human or equine agency, that he had been +bidden to ride to his destination. He was not to take the first that +came along, nor yet the second--they went to various places, it seemed; +and if you were taken to the wrong one you had to pay just the same--but +was to scan them until he espied one marked "Gorgie." This would carry +him down the Dalry Road, and would ultimately pass the residence of +Elspeth M'Kerrow, a decent widow woman, whose late husband's brother had +"married on" a connection of Robert's mother. Here he was to lodge. + +At first sight the cars appeared to be labelled with nothing but Cocoa +and Whisky and Empire Palaces of Varieties Open Every Evening; but a +little perseverance discovered a narrow strip of valuable information +painted along the side of each car. The first that caught our friend's +eye was "Pilrig and Braid Hills Road." That would not do. Then came +another--"Murrayfield, Haymarket, and Nether Liberton." Another blank! +Then, "Marchmont Road and Churchill." Foiled again, Robert was beginning +to feel a little sceptical as to the actual existence of the Dalry Road, +when a car drew up opposite to him labelled "Pilrig and Gorgie." It was +going in the right direction too, for his father had warned him that his +destination lay to the west of the town; and you can trust a Scotsman to +know the points of the compass with his eyes shut. (They even talk of a +man sitting on the north or south side of his own fireplace.) + +Robert clambered on to the top of this car, and presently found himself +confronted by a gentleman--splendid in appearance but of homely +speech--who waved bundles of tickets in his face, and inquired tersely-- + +"Penny or tippeny? or transfair?" + +"I am seeking the Dalry Road," said Robert cautiously. + +"Which end o't?" + +"I couldna say." + +"Ca' it a penny," said the conductor. + +Robert, with the air of a man who has beaten down his opponent to the +lowest possible figure, produced the coin from his pocket. (It was just +as well that the man had not demanded a larger sum, for Robert's more +precious currency was concealed in a place only accessible to partial +disrobement.) The gorgeous man carelessly snapped a ticket out of one of +the bundles, and having first punched a hole in it with an ingenious +instrument that gave forth sounds of music, handed it to Robert in +exchange for the penny. He was a saturnine man, but he smiled a little +later when Robert, mindful of the fate of his railway-ticket at the last +station but one, airily attempted to give up his car-ticket in similar +fashion on alighting at the end of the journey. + +The greater part of the next four days was spent by our friend in an +examination-room, into which we, more fortunate, need not attempt to +follow him. Robert diligently answered every question, writing at the +foot of each sheet of his neat manuscript, "More on the next page," in +case the examiner should be a careless fellow and imagine that Robert +had finished when he had not. Robert was not the man to leave anything +to chance, or to such unsafe abbreviations as P.T.O. + +Outside the examination-room he devoted most of the time that he could +spare from preparation for the next paper to a systematic exploration of +Edinburgh. He did the thing as thoroughly as possible, for he knew well +that he might never spend four days in a large town again. + +He began by climbing the Calton Hill. He remained at the summit quite a +long time, constructing a rough bird's-eye plan of the streets and +buildings below him; and having descended to earth, proceeded on a +series of voyages of discovery. + +He regarded the exterior of Parliament House with intense interest, for +he was a debater by instinct and upbringing. St Giles' he passed by +without enthusiasm--he was a member of the Free Kirk--and St Mary's +Cathedral struck him as being unduly magnificent to be the property of +such a small and pernicious sect as the Episcopalians. The Post Office +and other great buildings struck him dumb; and he hastened past the +theatres with averted eyes, for he had it upon unimpeachable authority +that the devil resided there. + +He knew no one in Edinburgh save Elspeth M'Kerrow. However, he made +another friend--to wit, one Hector MacPherson, a gigantic Highland +policeman, who controlled the traffic with incredible skill at a place +where several ways met. The said Hector stood beneath the shadow of a +great lamp-post, and whenever a vehicle drove past one side of him, +Hector relentlessly called it back and made it go on the other. Their +acquaintance began with the entire effacement of Robert's features by +the palm of Hector's hand, which was suddenly extended across the +thoroughfare for traffic-regulating purposes, with the result that +Robert, who was plunged in thought at the time, ran his nose right into +the centre of it. The ejaculation to which each gave vent at the moment +of impact revealed to both that they were from the same part of the +country, and thereafter Hector MacPherson became Robert's +adviser-in-chief throughout his stay in Edinburgh. Indeed, Robert used +Hector as the starting-point for all his excursions, and whenever he +became hopelessly lost in the wilds of the Grassmarket or the purlieus +of Morningside, he used to ask his way back to his mentor's pitch and +make a fresh start. We shall hear of Hector again. + +The foolhardy feat of entering a shop Robert did not attempt until his +very last day in Edinburgh, and then only because he was absolutely +compelled to do so by the necessity of executing a commission for his +sister Margaret--the purchase of half a yard of ribbon. + +It is true that the same ribbon could have been obtained at home from +Malcolm M'Whiston or a travelling packman, but Margaret was determined +to have it from Edinburgh; and she was particularly emphatic in her +injunctions to Robert to see that the folk in the shop stuck a label on +the parcel, "with their name printed on, and a picture of the shop and +a'." + +On Saturday morning, then, Robert approached the establishment which he +had chosen for the purpose. After a careful reconnaissance he discovered +that it possessed several doors. Here was a poser. Which would be the +ribbon door? Supposing he entered the wrong one and found himself +compelled to purchase a roll of muslin or a wash-hand-stand? With +natural acumen he finally selected a door flanked by windows containing +lace and ribbon; and waiting for a moment when the surging crowd was +thickest, attempted to slip in with them. He got safely past a hero in a +medal-sown uniform, but immediately after this encountered an imposing +gentleman in a frock-coat, who asked his pleasure. Robert inquired +respectfully if the gentleman kept ribbon. The gentleman said "Surely, +surely!" and Robert's modest requirements were thereupon sent ringing +from a throat of brass into the uttermost recesses of the establishment, +and he himself was passed, hot-faced, along the fairway until he reached +the right department. Here his tongue clove to the roof of his mouth, +and the siren behind the counter, with difficulty stifling her +amusement, was reduced to discovering his needs by a process of +elimination. + +"What will I show you?" + +No answer. + +"Ladies' gloves?" + +A shake of the head. + +"Handkerchiefs?" + +Another shake. + +"Stockings?" + +Another shake, accompanied by a deepening of complexion. + +"Well--ribbon?" + +"Aye, that's it," replied Robert, suddenly finding his voice (which, by +the way, rather resembled the Last Trump). "Hauf a yaird--one inch +wide--satin--cream!" he roared mechanically. + +He received the small parcel, and furtively fingering the money in his +pocket, asked the price. + +"Two-three, please," replied the damsel briskly. + +How Robert thanked his stars that he had some cash in hand! But what a +price! All that for a scrap of ribbon! It seemed sinful; but he laid two +shillings and threepence on the counter. Greatly to his alarm, the young +woman behind it, who up to this point had kept her feelings under +commendable control, suddenly collapsed like a punctured balloon on to +the shoulder of her nearest neighbour--there being no shop-walkers +about--and expressed a wish that she might be taken home and buried. +Finally she recovered sufficiently to push Robert's two shillings back +across the counter and to place his threepence in a mysterious +receptacle which she thrust into a hole in the wall, from which it was +ejected with much clatter a minute later; and on being opened proved to +contain what the dazed Robert at first took for a half-sovereign, but +which he ultimately discovered, when he had abandoned the still giggling +maiden and groped his way out into the street, to be a bright new +farthing. + +The same day he returned to his home; but he did not reach it without +one more adventure, a slight one, it is true, but not without its effect +upon his future. + +The train was over-full, and Robert ultimately found himself travelling +in company with nine other passengers, seven of whom were suffering from +that infirmity once poetically described by an expert in such diagnoses +as "a wee bit drappie in their een." The exception was a gentleman in +the far corner, accompanied by a most lovely young lady, upon whom +Robert gazed continuously with an admiration so absorbing and profound +that it took him some little time to realise, shortly after the +commencement of the journey, that the rest of the company were indulging +in a free fight all over the compartment, and that the lady was clinging +in terror to her escort. Robert was of considerable service in restoring +order, and found his reward in the eyes of the lady, who thanked him +very prettily. Her husband had the sense not to offer Robert money, but +gave him his card, and said in a curious, stiff, English way that he +hoped he might be of service to him some day. They got out at Perth, and +Robert travelled on alone. + +Hours later he was met by his brother David at a little wayside station, +and driven over fifteen miles of hilly road to the farm where he had +been born and brought up. + +Next morning he was up at daybreak, and set to work at his usual tasks +about the yard, well knowing that such would be his lot to the end of +his life if the examination list did not show his name at the top. + + * * * * * + +Some days had to elapse before the result could be known; but Robert +Chalmers Fordyce--by the way, I think we know him well enough now to +call him Robin, which was the name his mother had given him on his third +birthday--and his household, being Scottish and undemonstrative, made +little or no reference to the subject. + +Robin was the scholar of his family. He was the second son, David being +four years older. But in accordance with that simple, grand, and +patriarchal law of Scottish peasant life, which decrees that every lad +of parts shall be given his chance to bring credit on the family, even +though his parents have to pinch and save and his brothers bide at the +plough-tail all their lives in consequence--a law whose chief merit lies +in the splendid sacrifices which its faithful fulfilment involves, and +whose vital principle well-meaning but misguided philanthropy is now +endeavouring to dole out of existence--he had been sent to Edinburgh to +make the most of this, his one chance in life. + +Still, though the credit of the family hung upon the result of the +examination,--if he won the Bursary, the money, together with the +precious hoard which his father and mother had been accumulating for him +for ten years, would just suffice to keep him at the University,--no one +discussed the matter. It was in the hands of God, and prognostication +could only be vain and unprofitable. His mother and sister, indeed, +questioned him covertly when his father and brother were out of hearing; +but that was chiefly about Edinburgh, and the shops, and the splendours +of the Dalry Road. The Bursary was never mentioned. + +On the day on which the result was to be announced their father took +Robin and David away to a distant hillside to assist at the +sheep-dipping. The news would come by letter, which might or might not +get as far as Strathmyrtle Post Office, seven miles away, that very +afternoon. In the morning it would be delivered by the postman. + +But there are limits to human endurance, none the less definite because +that endurance appears illimitable. When father and sons tramped back to +the farm that evening, just in time for supper, it was discovered that +Margaret was absent. John Fordyce, grim old martinet that he was, looked +round the table inquiringly; but a glance at his wife's face caused him +to go on with his meal. + +At nine o'clock precisely the table was cleared. The herdman and two +farm lasses came into the kitchen from their final tasks in the yard, +and the great Bible was put down on the table for evening "worship." + +John Fordyce, having looked up the "portion" which he proposed to read, +then turned to the Metrical Psalms. These were sung night by night in +unswerving rotation throughout the year, a custom which, while it +offered the pleasing prospect of variety, occasionally left something to +be desired on the score of appropriateness. + +All being seated, the old man, after a final fleeting glance at his +daughter's empty chair, gave out the Psalm. + +"Let us worship God," he said, "by singing to His praise in the Hundred +and Twenty-first Psalm. Psalm a Hundred and Twenty-one-- + + 'I to the hills will lift mine eyes, + From whence doth come----'" + +The door opened, and Margaret entered. She was dusty and tired, for she +had walked fourteen miles since milking-time; but in her hand she held a +letter. + +She glanced timidly at the clock, and was for slipping quietly into her +seat; but her father said-- + +"You had best give it to him now. A man cannot worship God while his +mind is distracted with other things." + +Robin took the letter, and after a glance in the direction of his father +and the waiting Bible, opened and read it amidst a tense silence. +Finally he looked up. + +"Well?" said the old man. + +"They have given me the First Bursary, father," said Robin. + +No one spoke, but Robin saw tears running down his mother's face. John +Fordyce deliberately turned back several pages of the Bible. + +"We will sing," he said in a clear voice, "in the Twenty-third +Psalm--the whole of it!-- + + 'The Lord's my Shepherd, I'll not want----'" + + * * * * * + +The Psalms of David, as rendered into English verse by Nahum Tate and +others, are not remarkable for poetic merit; neither does the old +Scottish fashion of singing the same, seated and without accompaniment, +conduce to a concord of sweet sounds. But there are no tunes like old +tunes, and there are no hearts like full hearts. If ever a song went +straight up to heaven, the Twenty-third Psalm, borne up on the wings of +"Martyrdom," did so that night. + + + + +CHAPTER TWO. + +INTRODUCES A PILLAR OF STATE AND THE APPURTENANCES THEREOF. + + +The time had undoubtedly arrived when I must have a Private Secretary. + +Kitty, for one, insisted on it. She said that I was ruining my health in +the service of an ungrateful country, and added that she, personally, +declined to be left a widow at twenty-eight-and-a-half to oblige +anybody. + +"It is exactly the wrong age," she said. "If it had happened four or +five years ago, I could have done pretty well for myself. Now, I should +be out of the running among the _debutantes_, and a little too young and +flighty to suit a middle-aged bachelor." + +I may add that my wife does not often talk in this unfeeling manner. But +she suffers at times from a desire to live up to a sort of honorary +reputation for sprightly humour, conferred upon her by undiscriminating +admirers in the days before she became engaged to me. As a matter of +fact, her solicitude on my behalf was largely due to an ambition to see +a little paragraph in the newspapers, announcing that "Mr Adrian +Inglethwaite, M.P., Director of the Sub-Tropical and Arctic Department +at the Foreign Office, has appointed Mr Blankley Dash to be his Private +Secretary." + +Dolly and Dilly seconded the motion. They had not the effrontery to wrap +up their motives in specious expressions of concern for my health, but +stated their point of view with brutal frankness, as is their wont. I +was an old dear, they conceded, and of course Kitty was Kitty; but a +sister and brother-in-law were, to put it quite plainly, a hopelessly +dull couple to live with: and the visits of Mesdames Dolly and Dilly to +our roof-tree would, it was hinted, be more frequent and enduring if the +establishment was strengthened by the addition of a presentable young +man. + +I consented. It was three to one. To any one acquainted with the trio of +sisters arrayed against me, it will at once be apparent that "these +odds" (as the halfpenny papers say) "but faintly represent the +superiority of the winning side." + +Having thus dragged the reader without apology into the most intimate +regions of my family circle, I had perhaps better introduce myself and +my _entourage_ a little more formally. + +My name is Samuel Adrian Inglethwaite. Why I was called Samuel I do not +know. Possibly my parents did. Samuel may have been a baptismal sprat +set to catch a testamentary whale, but if this was so no legacy ever +came my way. Personally, I am rather attached to the name, as I was +called nothing else until I encountered the lady who ultimately +consented to become Mrs Inglethwaite. Since that epoch in my career I +have been S. Adrian Inglethwaite. + +I am thirty-six years of age, and hold an appointment under Government, +which, while it does not carry with it Cabinet rank--though Kitty cannot +see why--is sufficiently important to make the daily papers keep my +obituary notice handily pigeon-holed, in case I fall over the Thames +Embankment, get run over by a motor-bus, or otherwise contravene the +by-laws of the London County Council. + +As no man can possibly give an unbiassed opinion of his own wife, I +shall not attempt to describe mine at this juncture, except to mention +that she is a woman with no fault that I can for the moment recall, +beyond a predilection for belonging to societies which are better known +for their aims than for their achievements, are perennially short of +funds, and seem to possess no place of meeting except my drawing-room. + +Dolly and Dilly are Kitty's sisters. They are twins, and there present +age is, I think, nineteen. Though I say it who should not, they are both +astonishingly attractive young persons, and the more I see of them the +more the fact is borne in upon me. Indeed, a casual remark of mine to +that effect, uttered to my wife, by an unfortunate coincidence, on the +very morning upon which one of the numerous Deceased Wife's Sister's +Bills passed its Second Reading in the House, gave rise to a coldness of +demeanour on her part which was only dispelled by an abject apology and +a dinner for two at the Savoy on mine. + +To return to Dolly and Dilly. I never know them apart, and I do not +think Kitty does either. Both are divinely tall and divinely fair; they +are exactly like each other in form, voice, and feature; and they +possess the irritating habit, not uncommon with twins, of endeavouring +to exaggerate their natural resemblance by various puzzling and, I +consider, unsportsmanlike devices. They wear each other's clothes +indiscriminately, and are not above taking turn and turn about with the +affections of unsuspecting young men, of whom they possess a +considerable following. They attract admiration without effort, and, I +honestly believe, without intention. Of the meaning of love they know +nothing,--they are female Peter Pans, and resolutely refuse to grow up, +except outwardly,--and the intrusion of that passion into their dealings +with persons of the male gender is regarded by them at present as a +contingency to be discouraged at all costs. The conditions under which +they admit their admirers to their friendship are commendably simple and +perfectly definite. If a man is adjudged by them to have attained all +the complicated and inexplicable standards by which women judge the +opposite sex, he is admitted into the ranks of the Good Sorts; and as +such, provided that he keeps his head, has an extremely pleasant time of +it. If, however, any obtuse and amorous youth persists in mistaking what +Nanki-Poo once described as "customary expressions of affability" for an +indication that his infatuation is reciprocated, the Twins act promptly. +They have "no use" for such creatures, they once explained to me; and +they proceed to rid themselves of the incubus in a fashion entirely +their own. + +As soon as the pressure of the _affaire_ rises to danger-point--_i.e._, +when the youth begins to pay markedly more attention to one Twin than +the other--he is asked, say, to lunch. Here he is made much of by the +object of his affections, who looks radiant in, let us say, white +_batiste_; while the unemployed Twin, in (possibly) blue poplin, holds +discreetly aloof. After lunch the Twins, leaving their victim to smoke a +cigar, retire swiftly to their room, where they exchange costumes, and +descend again to the drawing-room. There Dolly, now arrayed in white +_batiste_, enters upon the path of dalliance where Dilly left off; and +Dilly, relieved from duty, crochets in a window-recess, and silently +enjoys her sister's impersonation. + +One of two things happens. Romeo either does not notice the difference, +or else he does. If he does not, he continues to flounder heavily along +in pursuit of the well-beloved, oblivious of the fact that he is wasting +his efforts on an understudy. After an appropriate interval the cold +truth is revealed to him in a hysterical duet, and he goes home, glaring +defiantly, but feeling an entire and unmitigated ass. + +Or he may actually recognise that Dilly has been replaced by +Dolly,--this is what happens when the case is a really serious one,--and +if this occurs he is more sorrowful than angry, poor fellow, for he sees +that he is being trifled with; and your true lover is the most +desperately earnest person in the world. In either case the _affaire_ +terminates then and there. And that is how my sisters-in-law, with +adroitness and despatch, return immature and undesirable suitors to +their native element. The whole proceeding reminds me irresistibly of +the Undersized Fish Bill, a measure whose progress I once assisted in +its course through a Committee of the House. + +However, having been bidden to procure a Private Secretary, I meekly set +about looking for one. One night at dinner we held a symposium on the +subject, and endeavoured to evolve an outline of the kind of gentleman +who was likely to suit us. The following is a _precis_ of the result. I +leave the intelligent reader to trace each item to its author; also the +various parenthetical comments on the same:-- + +(a) He must be a 'Varsity man. + +(b) He must be able to keep accounts, and transact business generally. + +(c) He must be content with a salary of two hundred a-year, with + board and residence in the house. ("He can have that little + room off the library for a sitting-room, dear, and sleep in + the old night-nursery.") + +(d) He must not wear celluloid collars or made-up ties. ("But he'll + _have_ to, poor dear, if the Infant Samuel only gives him two + hundred a-year.") + +(e) He must be prepared to run through my speeches before I deliver + them. ("I suppose that means _write_ them!"), look up my + subject-matter, verify my references, and so on. ("That _will_ + be an improvement. But what will the halfpenny papers do then, + poor things?") + +(f) He must be the sort of man that one can have in to a dinner-party + without any fear of accidents. ("Yes. He _must_ be all right about + peas, asparagus, and liqueurs. _And_ finger-bowls, dearest. You + remember the man who drank out of his at that queer political + dinner to the constituents?") + +(g) He must be nice to my Philly. + +(h) He must be dark. ("Pshaw!") + +(i) He must be fair. ("Ugh!") + +(j) He must be able to waltz and play bridge. + +At this point I suggested that a prepaid telegram to the Celestial +Regions would alone procure the article we required. However, we +ultimately descended to an advertisement in the _Morning Post_, and in +due course I obtained a secretary. In fact, I obtained several. We had +them _seriatim_, and none stayed longer than a month. I do not propose +to write a detailed history of the dynasty which I now found it my +privilege to support. A brief _resume_ of each will suffice. + +_Number One_.--Cambridge Football Blue. Big and breezy. Spelling +entirely phonetic. Spent most of his time smoking in the drawing-room, +and laboured under the delusion that, as my amanuensis, he was at +liberty to forge my signature to all documents, including cheques. He +used my official note-paper to back horses on, and was finally requested +to leave, after an unseemly brawl with a book-maker's tout on my +doorstep. + +_Number Two_.--Oxford: a First in Greats. A heavy manner, usually +beginning his observations with "Wherewithal" or "Peradventure." The +Twins suffered severely from suppressed giggles in his presence. +Regarded my superficial ideas of statesmanship with profound contempt, +but left after a fortnight, having allowed a highly confidential and +extremely personal pencil note, written in the margin of a despatch by +the Premier himself, to blossom forth in large type in the text of a +Blue Book. + +_Number Three_.--Rather elderly for the post--nearer forty than +thirty--but highly recommended. Reduced my chaotic papers to order in +twenty-four hours, charmed my wife and her sisters, drafted a speech +which won me quite a little ovation in the House, suggested several +notable improvements in the "Importation of Mad Dogs Bill," with which I +was to be entrusted next session--and was found lying dead drunk in his +bedroom, at eleven o'clock in the morning, on the second Sunday after +his arrival. Half a dozen empty brandy bottles were afterwards +discovered on the top of his wardrobe. Poor devil! + +_Number Four_.--(Subsequently handed down to posterity as "The Limit"). +Small, spectacled, and nervous. Came from a Welsh University, and was +strong on "the methodical filing of State and other documents." He +stayed two days. On the first night (after inquiring whether we were +expecting guests that evening, and receiving an answer in the negative) +he came down to dinner in a sort of alpaca smoking-jacket and a tartan +tie. On the second, having evidently decided to treat us to all the +resources of his wardrobe as soon as possible, he appeared in more or +less ordinary evening attire. He wore a small white satin bow-tie, +attached to his collar-stud by a brass clip. The tie fell off the stud +into his soup almost immediately, and its owner, after furtively chasing +it round the plate with his forefinger, finally fished it out with the +aid of a fork; and, having squeezed as much soup as possible back into +the plate, put the bow into his waistcoat pocket and resumed his meal +with every appearance of enjoyment. + +He left next morning. As the Twins pathetically observed: "It had to be +him or us!" I was sorry, for he was a tidy little creature away from +table. + +After that I did a rash thing. I engaged a Private Secretary on the spur +of the moment and without consulting my household. + +One morning I had occasion to visit the British Museum. That mausoleum +of learning is not an habitual resort of mine, but on this occasion I +had found it necessary to refresh my memory on the subject of a small +principality situated somewhere in the Pacific, and reported to be in a +state of considerable unrest, concerning which the member for Upper +Gumbtree, an unpleasantly omniscient young man with a truculent manner, +had been asking questions in the House. It seemed that British interests +in that quarter were not being adequately protected by our Department, +and this extremely pushing gentleman was now gaining much cheap applause +in the columns of those low-priced organs which make a living by +deriding his Majesty's Ministers, by bombarding us with fatuous +inquiries on the subject. My Chief had only the most hazy notion about +the place--as a matter of fact I do not believe that either he or any of +the permanent officials had ever heard of it--and I was in a precisely +similar condition. I was accordingly bidden to get up the subject, and +accumulate a mass of information thereon which would not only satiate +the appetite of the honourable member, but choke him off for all time. + +Finding myself in want of a particular Gazetteer which was not to be +found in the office, and being in no mood to take a clerk, however +uncritical, into my confidence, I called a hansom and drove straight to +the Museum; where, having ensconced myself in the reading-room with the +work in question, I prepared to devote a dusty and laborious morning to +the service of State. + +Immediately opposite me sat a gigantic young man of a slightly +threadbare appearance, who was copying some screed out of a bulky tome +before him. I regarded him in a reminiscent sort of way for a few +minutes, and presently found that my scrutiny was being returned +fourfold. Next came an enormous hand that was suddenly thrust across the +table towards me, and I remembered him. + +We had met six years ago in a railway train, under circumstances which +made me extremely glad to make his acquaintance at any price. Kitty and +I were on our honeymoon, and happened to be travelling on a Saturday +afternoon from Edinburgh to Perth in a train packed to suffocation with +the supporters of a football team of the baser sort. We were bound for +Inchellan, the Scottish residence of my Chief, who was sending to meet +us at Perth. + +As the first-class carriages were all occupied by gentlemen with +third-class tickets, we travelled third with a company who did not seem +to possess any tickets at all. Just before the train started the door +was thrown open and two inebriated Scots, several degrees further gone +than the rest of the company--which is saying a good deal--were hurled +in. If the assemblage had all been of one way of thinking we might have +reached Perth with nothing worse than bad headaches, but unfortunately +some supporters of the other team were present, and in the midst of a +heated and alcoholic debate on the rights and wrongs of the last free +kick, two rival orators suddenly arose, clinched, and continued their +argument at close grips on the floor. In a moment the party divided +itself into two camps, and the conflict became general. As there were +ten people in the compartment, of whom seven were engaged in a +life-and-death struggle, the movements of the non-combatants--Kitty, +myself, and a gigantic youth of gawky appearance--were, to put it +mildly, somewhat restricted. Kitty became thoroughly frightened, and +hampered my preparations for battle by clinging to my arm. The gigantic +youth, seeing this, suddenly took command of the situation. + +"Watch you the young leddy!" he bellowed in my ear, "and I'll sort +them." + +With that he hurled himself into the tumult. The exact details of his +performance I could not see, the scientific dusting of railway cushions +not having penetrated any further north of the Forth than it has south +of the Thames; but the net result was that each combatant was pulled +off, picked up, shaken until his teeth rattled, and banged down on to +his seat with a brief admonition to mind his manners, until seven +bewildered, partially sobered, and thoroughly demoralised patrons of +sport sat round about in various attitudes of limp dejection, leaning +against one another like dissipated marionettes; while our rustic +Hector, bestriding the compartment like a Colossus, dared them to move a +finger under penalty of being "skelped." + +He bundled them all out at the next stopping-place, without inquiring +whether they desired to alight there or no, and I am bound to say that +they all seemed as anxious to leave the carriage as he was to expel +them. He then shut the door, pulled up the window, and turned to my wife +with a reassuring smile. + +"Yon was just a storrm in a teapot," he remarked affably. + +He accepted my thanks with indifference, but blushed in a gratified +manner when Kitty addressed him. He was her bond-slave by the time that +we bade him farewell at Perth. I presented him with my card, which he +carefully placed inside the lining of his hat; but he forbore, either +from native caution or excessive shyness, to furnish us with any +information as to his own identity. + +Well, here he was, sitting opposite to me in the Reading Room of the +British Museum, and seemingly none too prosperous. Six years ago he had +looked like a young and healthy farm lad. Now, fourth-rate journalism +was stamped all over him. + + + + +CHAPTER THREE. + +"ANENT." + + +We conversed awhile in whispers to avoid disturbing the other +worshippers--I always feel like that in the British Museum--and finally +abandoned our respective tasks and issued forth together. With a little +persuasion I prevailed upon my companion to come and lunch with me, and +we repaired to a rather old-fashioned and thoroughly British +establishment close by, where the fare is solid and the "portions" +generous. + +My guest, after a brief effort at self-repression, fell upon the food in +a fashion that told me a far more vivid tale of his present +circumstances than the most lengthy explanation could have done. When he +was full I gave him a cigar, and he leaned back in his padded arm-chair +and surveyed me with the nearest approach to emotion that I have ever +observed in the countenance of a Scot. + +"I was wanting that," he remarked frankly, and he smiled largely upon +me. He was looking less gaunt now, and the rugged lines of his face were +tinged with a more healthy colour. He was a handsome youth, I noticed, +with shrewd grey eyes and a chin that stood out like the ram of a +battle-ship. + +He told me all about himself, some of which has been set down here +already. He had done well at Edinburgh University, and, having obtained +his Arts degree, was on the point of settling down to study for the +ministry--the be-all and end-all of the hope of a humble Scottish +household--when disaster came tumbling upon his family. His brother +David fell sick in his lungs, and the doctor prescribed a sojourn in a +drier climate for at least a year. + +The next part of the narrative was rather elliptical; but from the fact +that money was immediately forthcoming to send David abroad, and that +Robin had simultaneously given up his work in Edinburgh and returned +home to help his father about the farm, I gathered that a life's +ambition had been voluntarily sacrificed on the altar of family duty. +Anyhow, when David returned, marvellously and mercifully restored to +health, setting his younger brother free once more, two precious years +had flown; so that Robin now found himself, at the age of twenty-three, +faced with the alternative of making a fresh start in life or remaining +on the farm at home, that most pathetic and forlorn of failures, a +"stickit minister." The family exchequer had been depleted by David's +illness, and Robin, rather than draw any further on the vanishing little +store of pound-notes in the cupboard behind the kitchen chimney, +determined to go to London and turn his education to some account. + +He had arrived three years ago, with a barrel of salt herrings and a bag +of meal; and from that time he had earned his own living--if it could be +called a living. + +"Once or twice," he said, "I have had an article taken by one of the big +reviews; sometimes I get some odd reporting to do; and whiles I just +have to write chatty paragraphs about celebrities for the snippety +papers." + +"Uphill work that, I should think." + +"Uphill? Downhill! Man, it's degrading. Do you know what I was doing in +that Museum this morning?" + +"What?" + +"Have you heard tell of a man they call Dean Ramsay?" + +"Let me see--yes. He was a sort of Scottish Sidney Smith, wasn't he?" + +"That is the man. Well, he collected most of the good stories in +Scotland and put them in a book. I was copying a few of them out; and I +shall father them on to folk that the public wants to hear about. I get +a guinea a column for that." + +"I know the sort of thing," I said. "_'A good story is at present going +the round of the clubs, concerning----'_" + +"Not 'concerning'--'anent'!" + +"I beg your pardon--'anent a certain well-known but absent-minded Peer +of the Realm.'" + +"That's the stuff. You have the trick of it. Then sometimes I do bits of +general information--computations as to the height of a column of the +picture postcards sold in London in a year, and all that. Nobody can +check figures of that kind, so the work is easy--and correspondingly +ill-paid!" (I cannot reproduce the number of contemptuous _r_'s that +Robin threw into the adverb.) + +"It's a fine useful place the Museum," he continued reflectively. "You +were busy there this morning yourself. You would be collecting _data_ +anent--I mean _about_--the Island of Caerulea." + +I sat up in surprise at this. + +"How on earth----?" I began. + +"Oh, I just jal--guessed it. You being the only member of his Majesty's +Government in whom I have any personal interest, I have always followed +your career closely. (You gave me your card, you'll mind.) Well, I saw +you were having trouble with yon havering body Wuddiford--I once +reported at one of his meetings: he's just a sweetie-wife in +_pince-nez_--and when I saw you busy with an atlas and gazetteer I said +to myself:--'He'll be getting up a few salient facts about the place, in +order to appease the honourable member's insatiable thirst for +knowledge--Toots, there I go again! Man, the journalese fairly soaks +into the system. I doubt now if I could write out twenty lines of +'Paradise Lost' without cross-heading them!" + +We finished our cigar over talk like this, and finally rose to go. Robin +lingered upon the steps of the restaurant. I realised that he, being a +Scotsman, was endeavouring to pump up the emotional gratitude which he +felt sure that I, as an Englishman, would expect from a starving pauper +who had lunched at my expense. + +"I must thank you," he said at last, rather awkwardly, "for a most +pleasant luncheon. And I should like fine," he added suddenly and +impetuously, "to make out a _precis_ for you on the subject of Caerulea. +Never heed it yourself! Away home, and I'll send it to you to-morrow!" + +An idea which had been maturing in my slow-moving brain for some time +suddenly took a definite shape. + +"It is extremely kind of you," I said. "I shall be delighted to leave +the matter in your hands. But when you have made the _precis_, I wonder +if you would be so good as to bring it to my house instead of sending +it?" + +I gave him my address, and we parted. + +Robert Chalmers Fordyce arrived at my house next morning. He brought +with him a budget of condensed but exhaustive information on the subject +of Caerulea, the assimilation and ultimate discharge of which enabled me +to score a signal victory over Mr Wuddiford of Upper Gumbtree, +relegating that champion exploiter of mare's nests to a sphere of +comparative inoffensiveness for quite a considerable time. + +After reading the _precis_, I offered Robin the position of my Private +Secretary, which he accepted politely but without servility or +effusiveness. I handed him a quarter's salary in advance, gave him two +days' holiday wherein to "make his arrangements"--_Anglice_, to +replenish his wardrobe--and we sealed the bargain with a glass of sherry +and a biscuit apiece. + +As he rose to go, Robin took from his pocket a folded manuscript. + +"I see you have a good fire there," he said. + +He stepped across to the hearth-rug and pitched the document into the +heart of the flames, which began to lick it caressingly. + +Presently the heat caused the crackling paper to unfold itself, and some +of the writing became visible. Robert pointed, and I read-- + +_"Pars about Personalities. A capital story is at present going the +round of the clubs, anent----"_ + +Here the flimsy manuscript burst into flame, and shot with a roar up the +chimney. + +I looked at Robert Chalmers Fordyce, and his face was the face of a man +who has gone through deep waters, but feels the good solid rock beneath +his feet at last. + +He turned dumbly to me, and held out his hand. + +The worst of these inarticulate and undemonstrative people is that they +hurt you so. + + + + +CHAPTER FOUR. + +A TRIAL TRIP. + + +Three days later I introduced Robert Chalmers Fordyce into the bosom of +my family. I had declined to give them any previous information about +him, beyond a brief warning that they would find him "rather Scotch." + +I have always found it utterly impossible to foretell from a man's +behaviour towards his own sex how he will comport himself in the +presence of females. I have known a raw youth, hitherto regarded as the +hobbledehoy of the shooting-party and the pariah of the smoking-room, +lord it among the ladies like a very lion; and I have seen the hero of a +hundred fights, the master of men, the essence of intrepid resolution, +stand quaking outside a drawing-room door. The _debut_ of Robin, then, I +awaited with considerable interest. I expected on the whole to see him +tongue-tied, especially before Dolly and Dilly. On the other hand he +might be aggressively assertive. + +He was neither. He proved to be that rarest of types--the man who has no +fear of his fellow-creatures, male or female, singly or in battalions. +Our sex is so accustomed to squaring its shoulders, pulling down its +waistcoat, and assuming an engaging expression as a preliminary to an +encounter with the fair, that the spectacle of a man who enters a +strange drawing-room and shakes hands quietly and naturally all round, +without twisting his features into an agreeable smile and mumbling +entirely inarticulate words of rapture, always arouses in me feelings of +envy and respect. + +We found Kitty and the Twins picturesquely grouped upon the drawing-room +hearth-rug, waiting for the luncheon gong. + +I introduced Robin to my wife, in the indistinct and throaty tones which +always obtrude themselves into an Englishman's utterance when he is +called upon to say something formal but graceful. Kitty greeted the +guest with a smile with which I am well acquainted (and which I can +guarantee from personal experience to be absolutely irresistible on +one's first experience of it), and welcomed him to the house very +prettily. + +"You are very kind, Mrs Inglethwaite," said Robin, shaking hands. "But I +am not quite a stranger to you. Do you mind my face?" + +Kitty turned scarlet. + +"Mind your----? Not in the--I mean--I am sure we are de----" She +floundered hopelessly. + +Robin laughed pleasantly. + +"There is my Scots tongue running away with me already," he said. "I +should have asked rather if you _remembered_ my face." + +This time Kitty ceased to look confused, but still retained a puzzled +frown. + +"No," she said slowly; "I don't _think_----" + +"No wonder!" said Robin. "We met once, in a railway carriage, six years +ago. Between Edinburgh and Perth--on a Saturday afternoon," he added +expressively. + +Light broke in upon Kitty. "Of course!" she said. "Now I remember. That +dreadful journey! You were the gentleman who was so kind and helpful. +How nice and romantic meeting again! Adrian, you silly old creature, why +didn't you tell me? Now, Mr Fordyce, let me introduce you to my +sisters." + +She wheeled him round and presented him to the Twins. + +That pair of beauties, I saw at a glance, were out after scalps. They +stood up side by side on the hearth-rug, absolutely and weirdly alike, +and arrayed on this occasion in garments of identical hue and cut. This +was a favourite device of theirs when about to meet a new young man; it +usually startled him considerably. If he was not a person of sound nerve +and abstemious habits, it not infrequently evoked from him some +enjoyably regrettable expression of surprise and alarm. I knew all the +tricks in their _repertoire_, and waited interestedly to see the effect +of this series. + +On being presented, both smiled shyly and modestly, and each +simultaneously proffered a timid hand. The average young man, already a +little rattled by the duplicate vision of loveliness before him, could +never make up his mind which hand to shake first; and by the time he had +collected his faculties sufficiently to make an uncertain grab at one, +both would be swiftly and simultaneously withdrawn. + +Robin, however, immediately shook hands with Dilly, who stood nearest to +Kitty, and then with Dolly. After that he stepped back a pace and +surveyed the pair with unconcealed interest. + +Then he turned to my wife. + +"A truly remarkable resemblance!" he observed benignantly. ("Just as if +we had been two babies in a bassinette!" as Dolly afterwards remarked.) + +Then he resumed his inspection. The Twins, who were entirely unused to +this sort of thing, were too taken aback to proceed to their second +move--the utterance of some trivial and artless remark, delivered by +both simultaneously, and thereby calculated to throw the victim into a +state of uncertainty as to which he should answer first. Instead, they +stood wide-eyed and tongue-tied before him. + +"I must certainly discover some point of difference between these +ladies," continued Robin with an air of determination, "or I shall +always be in difficulties. Do not tell me the secret, Mrs Inglethwaite. +Perhaps I can find out for myself." + +He concluded a minute inspection of the indignant Dilly, and turned his +unruffled gaze on Dolly. + +"Yes," he said, "I have it! You" (triumphantly to Dolly) "have a tiny +brown spot in the blue of your left eye, while your sister has none." + +It was quite true: she had. But it was a fact which most young men only +discovered after many furtive and sidelong glances. This imperturbable +creature had taken it all in in one resolute scrutiny; and Dolly, +blushing like Aurora--an infirmity to which I may say neither she nor +her sister are particularly subject--dropped her long lashes over the +orbs in question and looked uncommonly foolish. + +The tension of the situation was relieved by the announcement of +luncheon, and Robin was called upon to accompany Kitty downstairs; while +I, putting a consoling arm round the waist of each of my fermenting +sisters-in-law, marched them down to further experiences in the +dining-room. + +The Twins rapidly recovered their equanimity at lunch. They sat, as they +always did, together on one side of the table, opposite to Robin. The +latter conversed easily and pleasantly, though his discourse was dotted +with homely phrases and curious little biblical turns of speech. + +"Have you been in London long, Mr Fordyce?" inquired Kitty as we settled +down. + +"Three years," said Robin. + +"I suppose you have lots of friends by this time." + +"I have a good many acquaintances, but my friends in London are just +three, all told," said Robin, in what Dilly afterwards described as "a +disgustingly pawky manner." + +"You must be very exclusive, Mr Fordyce," chirrupped Dolly. + +"Far from it," said Robin; "as you will admit when I say that my three +friends are a policeman, a surgeon, and a minister." + +"How quaint of you!" said Dilly. + +But Robin did not seem to think it quaint. He told us about the +policeman first--a Highlander. Robin had made his acquaintance in +Edinburgh, apparently about the same time that he made ours, and had +renewed it some years later outside the House of Commons, when a +rapturous mutual recognition had taken place. The policeman's name was +Hector MacPherson. + +"And the surgeon?" inquired Kitty, with a certain friendly assumption of +interest which announces (to me) that she is getting a little bored. + +"He is just my uncle. I go and see him, whi--now and then. He is a busy +man." + +"And the--er--minister?" + +"He is Dr Strang. He has the Presbyterian Church in Howard Street. I +have sat under him every Sabbath since I came to London." + +"Wh--what for?" asked Kitty involuntarily, and in a rather awestruck +voice. Her acquaintance with the ritual of the Church of Scotland was +hazy, and she was evidently determined to-day to be surprised at +nothing; but evidently this mysterious reference could not be allowed to +pass without some explanation. The Twins convulsively gripped each +other's hands under the table. (They are of course perfectly bred +girls--indeed, their self-possession at trying moments has often +surprised me--but, like all the young of the human species, there are +times when their feelings become too much for them. Then, if the +occasion is too formal for unrestrained shrieks, they silently +interdigitate.) + +"That is a Scottish expression," said Robin, smiling upon us. "You must +pardon me, Mrs Inglethwaite. I should perhaps have said that I was an +adherent of Dr Strang's church--or rather," he added with a curious +little touch of pride, "I am a communicant now. I was just an adherent +at first." + +We assented to this, politely but dizzily. + +Scratch a Scot and you will find a theologian. Robin was fairly started +now; and he proceeded to enlarge upon various points of interest in the +parallel histories (given in full) of some three or four Scottish +denominations, interwoven with extracts from his own family archives. +His grand-uncle, it appeared, had been a minister himself, and had +performed the feat--to which I have occasionally heard other perfervid +Scots refer, and never without a kindling eye--known as "coming out in +the Forty-three." + +"That," added Robin in parenthesis, "is why my second name is +Chalmers--after the great Doctor. You will have heard of him?" + +(Polite but insincere chorus of pleased recognition.) + +We were then treated to a brief _resume_ of the events leading up to a +religious controversy of colossal dimensions which was at that moment +threatening to engulf Scotland. Robin was deeply interested in the +matter, and gave us his reasons for being so. He passed some scathing +comments on the contumacy and narrow-mindedness of the sect who had the +misfortune to be his opponents; and after that he proceeded to say a few +words about Free Will and Predestination. + +By this time lunch was over, but we sat on. I nodded gravely over my +coffee, saying "Quite so" when occasion seemed to demand it. Kitty was +completely out of her depth, but still maintained a brave appearance of +interest. It was the Twins who brought the _seance_ to a close. Placing +their hands before their mouths, they with difficulty stifled a pair of +cavernous yawns. + +Next moment they were sorry. Robin stopped dead, flushed up, and said-- + +"Mrs Inglethwaite, I am sorry. I have been most inconsiderate and rude. +I have wearied you all. The truth is," he continued quite simply, "it is +so long since I sat at meat with friends, that I have lost the art of +conversation. I just run on, like--like a leading article. I have not +conversed with a woman, except once or twice across a counter, for +nearly three years." + +There was a rather tense pause. Then Dolly said-- + +"We're awfully sorry, Mr Fordyce. It was very rude of us. We quite +understand now, don't we, Dilly?" + +"Rather," said Dilly. "It was horrible of us, Mr Fordyce. But we thought +you were just an ordinary bore." + +"Children!" said Kitty. + +"But what you have told us makes things quite different, doesn't it, +Dolly?" continued Dilly. + +"Quite--absolutely," said Dolly. + +And they smiled upon him, quite maternally. And so the incident passed. + +"How queer, not talking to a woman for three years!" continued Dolly +reflectively. + +"How _awful_ it would be not to talk to a man for three years!" said +Dilly, with obvious sincerity. + +"There is little opportunity for social intercourse," said Robin, "to a +man who comes to London to sink or swim." + +The conversation was again taking a slightly sombre turn, and I struck +in-- + +"Well, I hope, Mr Fordyce, that a few weeks' experience of my +establishment won't have the effect of making you regret your previous +celibate existence." + +Dolly and Dilly looked at each other. + +"Dolly," said Dilly, "is that an insult?" + +"I think so." + +"Insulting enough to be punishable?" + +"Rather." + +"All right. Come on!" + +They fell upon me, and the next few minutes were devoted to what I +believe is known in pantomime circles as a Grand Rally, which +necessitated my going upstairs afterwards and changing my collar. + +Robin was not present at tea, and my household took advantage of his +absence to run over his points. + +Considering that a woman--especially a young woman--judges a man almost +entirely by his manner and appearance, and dislikes him exceedingly if +he proceeds to dominate the situation to her exclusion--unless, by the +way, he has her permission and authority so to do, in which case he +cannot do so too much--the verdict delivered upon my absent secretary +was not by any means unfavourable, though, of course, there was much to +criticise. + +"He'll do," said Dilly; "but you must get his hair cut, Adrian." + +"And tell him about not wearing that sort of tie, dear," said Dolly. + +"I suppose he can't help his accent," sighs Kitty. + +But their criticisms were limited to such trifles as these, and I felt +that Robin had done me credit. + +Dilly summed up the situation. + +"I think on the whole that he is rather a pet," she said. + +A more thoroughly unsuitable description could not have been imagined, +but Dolly agreed. + +"He has nice eyes, too," she added. + +"He was perfectly sweet with Phillis after lunch," said Kitty. "Took her +on his knee at once, and talked to her just as if we weren't there. +That's a good test of a man, if you like!" + +"True for you," I agreed. "I could not do it with other people's +children to save my life." + +"Oh, you are hopeless," said Dilly. "_Far_ too self-conscious and +dignified to climb down to the level of children, isn't he, Dolly?" She +crinkled her nose. + +Dolly for once was not listening. + +"What was that weird stuff the Secretary Bird spouted when you showed +Phillis to him, Kit? About her being forward, or coy, or something. It +sounded rather cheek, to me." + +"Yes, I remember," said Dilly. "Can you do the way he said it? +'Sometimes forrrwarrrd, sometimes coy, she neverrr fails to pullllease!' +Like that! Gracious, how it hurts to talk Scotch!" + +"I don't know, dear," said my wife thoughtfully. "It sounded rather +quaint. But I daresay all Scotch people are like that," she added +charitably. + +"Perhaps it was a quotation," I observed mildly. + +"Of course, that would be it. What is it out of?" + +"A song called 'Phillis is my only Joy,' I think." + +"Ah, then you may depend upon it," said Kitty, with the air of one +solving a mystery, "that is what the man was doing--_quoting_! Burns, +probably, or Scott, perhaps. How clever of him to think of it! And do +you know," she continued, "he said such a nice thing to me. While you +were bear-fighting with the Twins after lunch, Adrian, I said to him: +'Pity me, Mr Fordyce! My husband never ceases to express to me his +regret that he did not marry one of my sisters.' And he answered at +once, quite seriously, without stopping to think it out or anything:--'I +am sure, Mrs Inglethwaite, that his regret must be shared by countless +old admirers of yours!' Wasn't it rather sweet of him?" + +Further conversation was prevented by the opening of the drawing-room +door, where the butler appeared and announced "Mr Dubberley." + +Dubberley is a pillar of our party. I can best describe him by saying +that although I hold office under a Conservative Government, ten +minutes' conversation with Dubberley leaves me a confirmed Radical, and +anything like a protracted interview with him converts me into a +Socialist for the next twenty-four hours. A week-end in his society, and +I should probably buy a red shirt and send out for bombs. He is a good +fellow at bottom, and of immense service to the party; but he is the +most blatant ass I have ever met. There are Dubberleys on both sides of +the House, however, which is a comfort. + +Robin joined us almost directly after Dubberley's entrance, just in time +to hear that great man conclude the preamble of his discourse for the +afternoon. + +There had been a good deal of talk in the papers of late about improving +the means of transport throughout the country; and the nationalisation +of railways and other semi-socialistic schemes had filled the air. +Dubberley, it appeared, had out of his own gigantic intellect evolved a +panacea for congestion of traffic, highness of rates, and railway +mortality. + +He was well launched in his subject when Robin entered and was +introduced. + +"As I was saying," he continued, waving an emphatic teaspoon in the +direction of the sofa where the ladies sat, smiling but limp,--even the +Twins knew it was useless to stem this tide,--"as I was saying, the +solution of the problem lies in the revival of our far-reaching but +sadly neglected system of _canals_. Yes! If we go to the very root of +the matter"--Dubberley is one of those fortunate persons who never has +to dig far in his researches--"we find that our whole hope of +regeneration lies in the single, simple, homely word--Canals! Revive +your canals, send your goods by canal, travel yourself by----" + +"How long, Mr Dubberley," interpolated Robin, leaning forward--"how long +do you consider one would take to travel, say, a hundred miles by +canal?" + +"Under our present antiquated system, sir,"--Dubberley rather prides +himself on preserving the courtly fashions of address of a bygone +age,--"an impossibly long time. The average speed of a canal-boat at the +present day under the ministrations of that overburdened and inadequate +quadruped, the--er--horse, is three miles per hour. Indeed--one moment!" + +Dubberley fished a sheaf of documents out of his pocket--he is the sort +of man who habitually secrets statistics and blue-books about his +person--and after stertorously perusing them closed his eyes for a +moment, as if to work out a sum upon an internal blackboard, and said-- + +"I see no reason why swift canal-boats should not be constructed to run +fifteen, twenty, or even twenty-five miles per hour. Indeed, in these +days of turbines----" + +Robin put down his cup rather emphatically, and said-- + +"Mphm." + +(It is quite impossible to reproduce this extraordinary Caledonian +expletive in writing, but that is as near to it as I can get.) Then he +continued urbanely-- + +"Then you would organise a service of fast turbine steamers running all +over the canal systems of the country?" + +"Exactly. Or let us say--er--launches," said Dubberley. "I must not +overstate my case." + +"Travelling twenty miles an hour?" + +"Say fifteen, sir," said Dubberley magnanimously. + +"Mr Dubberley," said Robin, in a voice which made us all jump, "have you +a bathroom in your house?" + +Even the Twins, who were growing a trifle lethargic under the +technicalities of the subject, roused themselves at this fresh turn of +the conversation. + +"Ah--eh--I beg your pardon?" said Dubberley, a trifle disconcerted. + +"A bathroom," repeated Robin--"with a good long bath in it?" + +"Er--yes." + +"Well, Mr Dubberley, when you go home this afternoon, go upstairs and +fill the bath with water. Then take a large bath-sponge--something +nearly as broad as the bath--and sweep it along from end to end, about a +foot below the surface, at a speed of fifteen miles per hour--that will +be twenty-two feet per second--and see what happens!" + +Robin had unconsciously dropped into what I may call his +debating-society manner. His chin stuck out, and his large chest heaved, +and he scooped the air, as if it had been the water of Dubberley's bath, +with one of Kitty's priceless Worcester teacups. + +Dubberley sat completely demoralised, palpitating like a stranded frog. + +"Then," continued Robin, "you would observe the result of placing a +partly submerged and rapidly moving body in a shallow and restricted +waterway. You would kick half the water right out of the canal to begin +with, and the other half would pile itself up into a wave under your bow +big enough to offer an almost immovable resistance to the progress of +your vessel." + +He leaned back and surveyed the bemused Dubberley with complete and +obvious satisfaction. We all sat round breathless, feeling much as +Sidney Smith must have felt when some one spoke disrespectfully of the +Equator. Great was the fall of Dubberley. He moved, perhaps +instinctively, in a society where he was seldom contradicted and never +argued with. One does not argue with a gramophone. And here this raw +Scottish youth, with the awful thoroughness and relentless common-sense +of his race, had taken the very words out of his mouth, torn them to +shreds, and thrust them down his throat. + +I am afraid I chuckled. The Twins sat hand in hand, with dreamy eyes +staring straight before them. They were conjuring up a joyous vision of +Dubberley, in his shirt-sleeves, meekly refuting one of his own theories +by means of a childish and sloppy experiment in practical hydrodynamics +in his own bathroom. + +I give this incident as a fair example of Robin's point of view and +methods of action on questions which I for one would never dream of +debating. He was entirely lacking in an art which I am told I possess to +perfection--that of suffering fools gladly. Its possession has raised me +to an Under-Secretaryship. People who should know tell me that it will +also prevent my ever rising to anything higher. + +"We had a taste of our friend's quality this afternoon," I remarked to +my household when we met for dinner that evening. "He is a +thorough-going warrior. Fancy any man taking all that trouble to lay out +old Dubberley!" + +"Poor Mr Dubberley!" said tender-hearted Kitty. + +"Do him good!" said Dilly, in whose recollection Dubberley's past +enormities loomed large. "I shall be nice to the Secretary Bird now." + +Dolly said nothing, which was unusual. Perhaps the brown spot still +rankled. + + + + +CHAPTER FIVE. + +ROBIN ON DUTY. + + +Beyond the fact that they are all desperately in earnest, all know each +other, and occupy all the most responsible and lucrative posts on the +face of the earth, Scotsmen are a class with whose characteristics I am +not well acquainted. But I learned a great deal from my new secretary. + +Robin soon settled down to work. He not only performed his duties with +zeal and discretion, but he kept me up to mine. He hounded me through +the routine work of my Department; he verified my references; he managed +my correspondence; and he frequently drafted my speeches. He even +prepared some of my impromptus. Indeed, my--or rather his--description +of a certain member of the other side, a lesser light of the last +Government, a worthy man, always put up to explain matters when his +leader had decided that honesty on this occasion was the best policy, as +"a political niblick, always employed to get his party out of bad lies," +won me more applause and popularity in a House of enthusiastic golfers +than endless weeks of honest toil behind the scenes had ever done. + +But I learned more from Robin than that. I suppose I am a typical +specimen of Conservative officialdom. Until Robin came into my house it +had never occurred to me to ask myself why I was a Conservative: I had +been born one, and it was difficult for me to understand how any man of +ordinary intelligence could be anything else. + +My father and grandfather were Conservative members before me, and I +come of a line which has always feared God, honoured the King, paid its +tithes, and tried to do something for the poor; and which regards +Radicals, Socialists, Nonconformists, and criminal lunatics as much the +same class of person. The only difference between myself and my +forebears is that I am much too pacific (or lazy) to cherish any +animosity against people whose views differ from my own. This fact, +coupled with certain family traditions, has brought me to my present +position in life; and, as I have already indicated, it will probably +keep me there. At least, so Kitty says. + +"You must _assert_ yourself, dear," she declares. "Be _rude_ to people, +and go on being rude! Then they will take notice of you and give you +nice big posts to keep you quiet. Do you know what the Premier said +about you the other night at dinner, to Lady Bindle? (She told Dicky +Lever, and he told the Twins.) 'Inglethwaite? A dear fellow, a sound +party man, and runs his Department admirably. But--he strikes only on +the box!' Pig!" + +It was about this time that Robin became a member of our establishment. +I had no idea what his political views were--it was just like me not to +have asked him, Kitty said--but felt confident that whatever side he +supported he would do so hot and strong. + +But at first he gave no indication of his leanings. It was not until we +sat one night over our wine, in company with John Champion (member for a +big northern constituency, and regarded by many, notwithstanding various +eccentricities, as the coming man of the party) that he first gave +definite utterance to his views. + +The cigars had gone round, and we had just performed that mysterious +national rite which, whether it owes its existence to economy or +politeness, invariably ends in several people burning their fingers with +the same match. + +"I suppose, Mr Fordyce," said Champion, who had not met Robin before, +but obviously liked him, "that in common with all Scotsmen you are at +heart a Radical." + +"Am I?" said Robin, with native caution. + +"Most of your countrymen are," said Champion, with a sigh. "'They think +too much'--you know the rest of the quotation, I expect." + +Robin nodded. + +I was a little scandalised at this flagrant tribute to the enemy, and +said so. + +Champion laughed. + +"You are a whole-hearted old war-horse, Adrian. I envy you. Sometimes, I +wish that I----" + +"For mercy's sake don't go and say that you are a Radical at heart too," +I cried. + +"N-n-o. But isn't it rot, the whole business?" + +"What whole business?" + +"Ask Mr Fordyce there. He will tell you. I see it in his eye." + +"What is rot, Robin?" I asked. "Party government?" + +"Yes," said Robin, quite explosively for him. "It is such a scandalous +waste of power and material." He laid down his cigar. "Man, it's just +pitiful. Consider! A party is returned to office. With great care and +discrimination a Cabinet is chosen. It is composed of men who are mainly +honest and patriotic. They are not necessarily men of genius, but they +are all men of undoubted ability, and they are genuinely anxious to do +their duty by the country. Now observe." (As a matter of fact he said +"obsairrve.") "How is this energy and ability expended? About half of +it--fifty per cent--goes in devising means to baffle the assaults of the +Opposition and so retain a precarious hold on office. Sir, it's just +ludicrous! Instead of concentrating their efforts upon--upon--I want a +metaphor, Mr Champion." + +"Upon steering the ship of State," said Champion, with a twinkle in his +eye. + +"That'll do, fine.--Upon steering the ship of State, they have to devote +half their time and energy to dodging the missiles of their shipmates. +That is what I mean when I say the thing is pitiful. What should we +think of the sanity of an ordinary ship's company, if the man at the +wheel had to spend half his time up in the rigging because a minority of +his messmates wanted to throw him overboard?" + +"I think you are putting the case too strongly," I said. "The criticism +of a healthy public opinion is no bad thing. Besides, your Cabinet still +have fifty per cent of their energy left. What do they do with that?" + +"Of that," said Champion, joining in, "about forty per cent is wasted on +mere parade--dummy legislation--bills that never will be passed, and +which no sensible man has any desire should be passed, except in a +mutilated and useless condition; bills merely brought forward by the +Government as a sop to the extreme wing of their own party. It doesn't +matter which side is in power. If they are Liberals, they have to +propose a few socialistic and iconoclastic measures, secretly thanking +God for the House of Lords all the while. If they are Conservatives, +they propitiate the Landlords and the Church by putting forward some +outrageously retrograde proposal or other, secure in the knowledge that +it will be knocked on the head by the halfpenny papers. Of the remaining +ten per cent----" + +"About nine," resumed Robin, "is appropriated automatically to +absolutely essential routine business, like the Budget and Supply----" + +"And the remaining one per cent," struck in Champion, "is devoted to +real live Legislation." + +Then they both looked at me, this pair of carping pessimists, rather +furtively, like two fags who have allowed their tongues to wag over +freely in the presence of a monitor. It was a curious tribute to the +power of officialdom, for they were both far bigger men, in every sense, +than I. Finally Champion laughed. + +"Don't look so horrified, Adrian," he said. "Mr Fordyce and I croak too +much. Still, you will find a grain or two of sense among the chaff, as +Jack Point says." + +But I was not to be smoothed down so easily. + +"According to you fellows," I grumbled, as I passed the port, "there is +practically no difference between one political party and another." + +"None whatever," said Champion cheerfully--"not between the _backbones_ +of the parties, that is. Of course excrescences don't count. Tell me, +Adrian, what bill, barring one or two contentious semi-religious +measures, has ultimately reached the Statute Book during the last twenty +years that might not have been put there by either party without any +violent departure from its principles? Not one! Foreign policy, again. +Does it make any difference to our position in the world which party is +in office nowadays? Not a scrap. The difference between the two sides is +immaterial. There is often a far deeper line of cleavage between two +sections of the same party than between party and party. We make faces +at each other, it is true; and one side plumes itself on the moral +support of Royalty and the aristocracy, while the other always bawls out +that it has the inviolable will of the people at its back,--I daresay +one assertion is about as true as the other--but I don't think there is +a pennyworth of difference, really. There used to be a lot, mind you, +when the Plebs were really struggling for a footing in the scheme of +things; but bless you! we are all more or less in the same crowd now. +Just a difference of label, that's all." + +"There was a story my dominie used to tell," said Robin, who had been +listening to this diatribe with rapt attention, "about a visitor to a +seaside hotel, who ordered a bottle of wine. The boy brought up the +wrong kind, so the visitor sent for the landlord and pointed out the +mistake, adducing the label on the bottle as evidence. 'I'm very sorry, +sir, I'm sure,' said the landlord, 'but I'll soon put it right. Boy, +bring another label!' An old story, I am afraid, but it seems to me to +put Party goverment into a nutshell." + +I rose, and began to replace the stoppers in the decanters. I was +feeling rather cross. I hate having my settled convictions tampered +with. They are not elastic, and this makes them brittle, and I always +feel nervous about their stability when the intellectual pressure of an +argument grows intense. + +"When you two have abolished the British Constitution," I remarked +tartly, "what do you propose to substitute for the present _regime_?" + +"'There,'" said Champion, "as the charwoman replied when asked for a +character, 'you _'ave_ me.' Let us join the ladies." + +But I was still angry. + +"It always seems best to me," I persisted doggedly, "to take up a good +sound line of action and stick to it, and to choose a good sound party +and stick to that. Half a glass of sherry before we go upstairs?" + +"No, thanks. That is why I envy you, Adrian," said Champion. "It's a +wearing business for us, being so--so--what shall we call it, Mr +Fordyce?" + +"Detached?" suggested Robin. + +"That's it." + +"Two-faced would be a better word," I growled. + +Champion clapped me on the shoulder. + +"Adrian," said he, "in time of peace there is always a large, critical, +neutral, and infernally irritating party, for ever philandering betwixt +and between two extremes of opinion. But when war is declared and it +comes to a fight, the ranks close up. There is no room for detachment, +and there are no neutrals. When occasion calls, you'll find all your +friends--your half-hearted, carping, Erastian friends--ranged up tight +beside you. Shall we be trapesing about in Tom Tiddler's ground when the +pinch comes, Mr Fordyce--eh?" + +"Never fear!" said Robin. + +And I am bound to say that we all of us lived to see John Champion's +assertion made good. + + + + +CHAPTER SIX. + +ROBIN OFF DUTY. + + +I have yet to introduce to the indulgent reader two more members of the +family into which I have married. + +The first of these is my daughter Phillis, of whom I have already made +passing mention. She is six years old, and appears to be compounded of +about equal parts of angelic innocence and original sin. In her dealings +with her fellow-creatures she exhibits all the _sangfroid_ and +self-possession that mark the modern child. She will be a "handful" some +day, the Twins tell me, and they ought to know. However, pending the +arrival of the time when she will begin to rend the hearts of young men, +she contents herself for the present with practising that accomplishment +with complete and lamentable success upon her own garments. + +She is the possessor of a vivid imagination, which she certainly does +not inherit from me, and is fond of impersonating other people, either +characters of her own creation or interesting figures from story-books. +Consequently it is never safe to address her too suddenly. She may be a +fairy, or a bear, or a locomotive at the moment, and will resent having +to return to her proper self, even for a brief space, merely to listen +to some stupid and irrelevant remark--usually something about bed-time +or an open door--from an unintelligent adult. + +Kitty says that I spoil her, but that is only because Kitty is quicker +at saying a thing than I am. She is our only child; and I sometimes +wonder, at moments of acute mental introspection (say, in the night +watches after an indigestible supper), what we should do without her. + +The other character waiting for introduction is my brother-in-law, +Master Gerald Rubislaw. He is the solitary male member of the family of +which my wife and the Twins form the female side. He is, I think, +fourteen years of age, and he is at present a member of what he +considers--very rightly, I think; and I should know, for I was there +myself--the finest public school in the world. Having no parents, he +resides at my house during his holidays, and refreshes me exceedingly. + +He is a sturdy but rather diminutive youth, with a loud voice. (He +always addresses me as if I were standing on a distant hill-top.) He +bears a resemblance to his sisters of which he is heartily and frankly +ashamed, and which he endeavours at times to nullify as far as possible +by a degree of personal uncleanliness which would be alarming to me, +were it not that the traditions of my own extreme youth have not yet +been entirely obliterated from my memory. + +His health is excellent, and his intellect is in that condition +euphemistically described in house-master's reports as "unformed." He is +always noisy, constitutionally lazy, and hopelessly casual. But he +possesses the supreme merit of being absolutely and transparently +honest. I have never known him tell a lie or do a mean thing. To such +much is forgiven. + +At present he appears to possess only two ambitions in life; one, to +gain a place in his Junior House Fifteen, and the other, to score some +signal and lasting victory over his form-master, a Mr Sydney Mellar, +with whom he appears to wage a sort of perpetual guerilla warfare. Every +vacation brings him home with a fresh tale of base subterfuges, petty +tyrannies, and childish exhibitions of spite on the part of the infamous +Mellar, all duly frustrated, crushed, and made ridiculous by the +ingenuity, resource, and audacity of the intrepid Rubislaw. I have never +met Mr Mellar in the flesh, but I am conscious, as time goes on and my +young relative's reminiscences on the subject accumulate, of an +increasing feeling of admiration and respect for him. + +"He's a rotten brute," observed Gerald one day. "Do you know what he had +the cheek to do last term?" + +"What?" + +"Well, there was a clinking new desk put into our form-room, at the +back. I sit there," he added rather _naively_. "As soon as I saw it, of +course I got out my knife and started to carve my name. I made good big +letters, as I wanted to do the thing properly on a fine new desk like +that." + +"Was this during school hours?" I ventured to inquire. + +"Of course it was. Do you think a chap would be such a silly ass as to +want to come in specially to carve his name during play-hours, when he's +got the whole of his school-time to do it in?" + +"I had not thought of that," I said apologetically. + +"And don't go putting on side of that sort, Adrian, old man," roared +Gerald, in what a stranger would have regarded as a most threatening +voice, though I knew it was merely the one he keeps for moments of +playful badinage. "I saw _your_ name carved in letters about four inches +high in the Fifth Form room only the other day. I don't see how you can +jaw a man for doing a thing you used to do yourself thirty or forty +years ago." + +I allowed this reflection on my appearance to pass without protest, and +Gerald resumed his story. + +"Well, I did a first-class G to begin with, and was well on with the +Rubislaw--all in capitals: I thought it would look best that way--when +suddenly a great hand reached over my shoulder and grabbed my knife. It +was Stinker, of course." + +"St----" + +"Oh, I forgot to tell you that. We call him 'Stinker' now. You see, his +name is S. Mellar, and if you say it quickly it sounds like 'Smeller.' +So we call him 'Stinker.' It was a kid called Lane thought of it. Pretty +smart--eh? Oh, he's a clever chap, I can tell you," yelled Gerald, with +sincere enthusiasm. + +"He must be a youth of gigantic intellect," I said. + +"Oh, come off the roof! Well, Stinker grabbed my knife, and said, +'Hallo, young man, what's all this? Handing down your name to +posterity--eh?' with a silly grin on his face. + +"I said I was just carving my name. + +"'I see you have just finished it,' he said. + +"I didn't quite tumble to his meaning at first, because I had only got +as far as G. RUB,--and then I saw that the whole thing as it stood +spelled 'GRUB.' Lord, how the swine laughed! He told the form all about +it, and of course they all laughed too, the sniggering, grovelling +sweeps! + +"Then Stinker said: 'A happy thought has just occurred to me. I shall +not have your name obliterated in the usual manner'--they cut it out and +put in a fresh bit of wood, and charge you a bob--' this time. I have +thought of a more excellent way.' (He always talks like that, in a sort +of slow drawl.) 'We will leave your name exactly as you have carved it. +But remember, young man, not another letter do you add to that name so +long as you are a member of this school. A Grub you are,--a nasty little +destructive Grub,--and a Grub you shall remain, so far as that desk is +concerned, for all time. And if ever in future years you come down here +as a distinguished Old Boy--say a K.C.B. or an Alderman,--remember to +bring your numerous progeny'--oh, he's a sarcastic devil!--'to this +room, and show them what their papa once was!' + +"Of course all the chaps roared again, at the idea of me with a lot of +kids. But that wasn't all. He switched off _that_ tap quite suddenly, +and said-- + +"'Seriously, though, I am not pleased about this. Carving your name on a +desk is not one of the seven deadly sins, but doing so when I have told +you not to _is_. This silly street-boy business has been getting too +prevalent lately: we shall have you chalking things up on the walls +next. I particularly gave out last week, when this new desk was put in, +that no one was to touch it. Come to me at twelve, and I will cane you.' +And he _did_," concluded Gerald, with feeling. + +"What a shame!" said Dilly, who was sitting by. "All for carving a silly +old desk." + +"He was perfectly right," said Gerald, his innate sense of justice +rising to the surface at once. "I wasn't lammed for cutting the desk at +all: it was for doing it after I had been told not to." + +"It's the same thing," said Dilly, with feminine disregard for legal +niceties. + +"Same thing? Rot! Fat lot you know about it, Dilly. It's a rum thing," +he added to me in a reflective bawl, "but women never can understand the +rules of any game. Stinker is a bargee, but he was quite right to lam +me. It was for disobedience; and disobedience is cheek; and no master +worth his salt will stand cheek. So Stinker says, and he is right for +once." + +Gerald is the possessor of a bosom friend, an excessively silent and +rather saturnine youth of about his own age. His name is Donkin, and he +regards Gerald, so far as I can see, with a grim mixture of amusement +and compassion. He pays frequent visits to my house, as his father is a +soldier in India; and he is much employed by the Twins for corroborating +or refuting the more improbable of their brother's reminiscences. + +Robin soon made friends with the boys. Like most of their kind, their +tests of human probity were few and simple: and having discovered that +Robin not only played Rugby football, but had on several occasions +represented Edinburgh University thereat, they straightway wrote him +down a "decent chap" and took the rest of his virtues for granted. + +It came upon them--and me too, as a matter of fact--as rather a shock +one evening, when Robin, during the course of a desultory conversation +on education in general, suddenly launched forth _more suo_ into a +diatribe against the English Public School system. + +English boys, he pointed out, were passed through a great machine, which +ground up the individual at one end and disgorged a mere type at the +other--("Pretty good type too, Robin," from me),--they were taught to +worship bodily strength--("Quite right too!" said my herculean +brother-in-law),--they were herded together under a monastic system; +they were removed from the refining influence of female society--(even +the imperturable Donkin snorted at this),--and worst of all, little or +nothing was done to eradicate from their minds the youthful idea that it +is unmanly to read seriously or think deeply. + +I might have said a good deal in reply. I might have dwelt upon the fact +that the English Public School system is not so hard upon the stupid +boy--which means the average boy--as that of more strenuous +forcing-houses of intellect abroad. I might have spoken of one or two +moral agents which prevent our schools from being altogether despicable: +unquestioning obedience to authority, for instance, or loyalty to +tradition. I might have told of characters moulded and fibres stiffened +by responsibility--our race bears more responsibility on its shoulders +than all the rest of the world put together--or of minds trained to +interpret laws and balance justice in the small but exacting world of +the prefects' meeting and the games' committee. But it was Gerald, who +is no moralist, but a youth of sound common-sense, who closed the +argument. + +"Mr Fordyce," he said, "it's no use _my_ jawing to you, because you can +knock me flat at that game; and of course old Moke there"--this was +Master Donkin's unhappy but inevitable designation among his +friends--"is too thick to argue with a stuffed rabbit; but you had +better come down some time and see the place--that's all." + +Robin promised to suspend judgment pending a personal investigation, and +the incident closed. + +Gerald's verdict on Robin's views, communicated to me privately +afterwards, was characteristic but not unfavourable. + +"He seems to have perfectly putrid notions about some things, but he's a +pretty sound chap on the whole--the best secretary you have had, anyhow, +old man. Have you seen him do a straight-arm balance on the +billiard-table?" + +But I did not fully realise how completely Robin had settled down as an +accepted member of my household until one afternoon towards the end of +the Christmas holidays. + +There is a small but snug apartment opening out of my library, through +an arched and curtained doorway. The library is regarded as my +workroom--impregnable, inviolable; not to be rudely attempted by +devastating housemaids. There is a sort of tacit agreement between Kitty +and myself as regards this apartment. Fatima-like, she may do what she +pleases with the rest of the house. She may indulge her passion for +drawing-room meetings to its fullest extent. She may intertain +missionaries in the attics and hold meetings of the Dorcas Society in +the basement. She may give reformed burglars the run of the +silver-closet, and allow curates and chorus-girls to mingle in sweet +companionship on the staircase. But she must leave the library alone, +and neither she nor her following must overflow through its double doors +during what I call business hours. + +On this particular afternoon I had been engaged upon the draft of a +small bill with which I had been entrusted--we will call it the +"Importation of Mad Dogs Bill,"--and about four o'clock I handed it to +Robin with instructions to write out a fair copy. Robin retired into his +inner chamber, and I sat down in an arm-chair with _Punch_. (It was a +Wednesday, the Parliamentary half-holiday of those days, and still, +happily, the _Punch_-day of these.) + +Kitty was holding a Drawing-room Meeting upstairs. I forget what +description of body she was entertaining: it was either a Society for +the Propagation of something which could never, in the nature of things, +come to birth; or else an Association for the Prevention of something +that was bound to go on so long as the world endured. I had been +mercifully absolved from attending, and my tea had been sent in to me. I +was enjoying an excellent caricature of my Chief in the minor cartoon of +_Punch_, when I heard the door of the inner room open and the voice of +my daughter inquire-- + +"Are you _drefful_ busy, Uncle Robin?" (My secretary had been elevated +to avuncular rank after a probation of just three hours.) + +There was a sound as of a chair being pushed back, and a rustle which +suggested the hasty laying aside of a manuscript, and Robin's voice +said-- + +"Come away, Philly!" (This is a favourite Scoticism of Robin's, and +appears to be a term denoting hearty welcome.) + +There was a delighted squeal and the sound of pattering feet. Next +ensued a period of rather audible osculation, and then there was +silence. Presently Phillis said-- + +"What shall we do? Shall I sing you a hymn?" + +Evidently the revels were about to commence. + +"I have just learned a new one," she continued. "I heared it in Church +yesterday afternoon, so I brought it home and changed it a bit. It's +called 'Onward, Chwistian Sailors!'" + +"'_Soldiers_,' isn't it?" + +"No--'_Sailors_.' It _was_ 'Soldiers,' but I like sailors much better +than soldiers, so I changed it. I'll sing it now." + +"Wait till Sunday," said Robin, with much presence of mind. "Will you +not tell me a story?" + +This idea appeared so good that Phillis began forthwith. + +"Once there were three horses what lived in a stable. Two was wise and +one was just a foolish young horse. There was some wolves what lived +quite near the stable----" + +"Wolves?" said my secretary, in tones of mild surprise. + +"The stable," explained Phillis, "stood in the midst of the snowy plains +of Muscovy. I should have telled you that before." + +"Just so," said Robin gravely. "Go on." + +"Well, one day," continued the narratress's voice through the +curtains--I knew the story by heart, so I was able to fill up the gaps +for myself when she dropped to a confidential whisper--"one cold, windy, +berleak day, the old wolves said to the young ones, 'How about a meal of +meat?' and all the young one's said, 'Oh, _let's_!' + +"That very morning," continued Phillis in the impressive bass which she +reserves for the most exciting parts of her narrative, "that _very_ +morning the foolish young horse said to the old horses, 'Who is for a +scamper to-day?' Then he began to wiggle and wiggle at his halter. The +old horses said, 'There is wolves outside, and our master says that they +eat all sheep an' cattle an' horses,' But the young horse just wiggled +and wiggled,"--I could hear my daughter suiting the action to the word +upon her audience's knee,--"and pwesently his halter was off! Then out +he rushed, kicking up the nimble snow with his feathery heels, +and--what?" + +Robin, who was automatically murmuring something about transferred +epithets, apologised for this pedantic lapse, and the tale proceeded. + +"Well, just as he was goin' to have one more scamper, he felt a growl--a +awful, fearful, deep _growl_,"--Phillis's voice sank to a bloodcurdling +and continuous gurgle--"and he terrembled, like this! I'll show you----" + +She slipped off Robin's knee, and I knew that she was now on the +hearth-rug, simulating acute palsy for his benefit. + +"Then he felt somefing on his back, then somefing further up his back, +then a bite at his neck; and then he felt his head bitten off, and he +died. Now you tell me one." + +"Which?" + +Phillis considered. + +"The one about the Kelpie and the Wee Bit Lassie." + +Robin obliged. At first he stumbled a little, and had to be prompted in +hoarse whispers by Phillis (who apparently had heard the story several +times before); but as the narrative progressed and the adventures of the +wee bit lassie grew more enthralling and the Kelpie more terrifying, he +became almost as immersed as his audience. When I peeped through the +curtain they were both sitting on the hearth-rug pressed close together, +Phillis gripping one of Robin's enormous hands in a pleasurable +condition of terrified interest. The fair copy of the "Importation of +Mad Dogs Bill," I regret to say, lay on the floor under the table. I +retired to my arm-chair. + +"The Kelpie," Robin continued, "came closer and closer behind her. +Already she could feel a hot breath on her neck." (So could Robin on +his, for that matter.) "But she did not give in. She ran faster and +faster until----" + +"You've forgotten to say she could hear its webbed feet going _pad pad_ +over the slippery stanes," interpolated Phillis anxiously. + +"So I did. I'm sorry. She could hear its webbed feet going _pad pad_ +over the slippery stanes. Presently though, she came to a wee bit housie +on the moor. It was empty, but she slippit through the yard-gate and +flew along the path and in at the door. The Kelpie came flying through +the gate----" + +"No, no--it loupit ower the dyke!" screamed Phillis, who would +countenance no tamperings with the original text. + +"Oh, yes. It loupit ower the dyke, but the wee lassie just slammed the +door in its face, and turned the key. Then she felt round in the dark +and keeked about, wondering what kind of place she was in. And at that +very moment, through a bit window in the wall----" + +"She went ben first." + +"Oh, yes. She went ben; and at that very moment, through the bit window +in the back-end of the house, there came a ray of light. The sun----" + +"The sun had risen," declaimed Phillis, triumphantly taking up the tale; +"and with one wild sheriek of disappointed rage the Kelpie vanished +away, and the wee lassie was _saved_!" + +There was a rapt pause after this exciting anecdote. Then Phillis +remarked-- + +"Uncle Robin, let's write that story down, and then I can get people to +read it to me." + +"Why not write it down for yourself?" + +"I can't write--much; and it ought to be writed in ink, and I--I am only +allowed to use pencil," explained my daughter, not without a certain +bitterness. "But I put the lead in my mouf," she added defiantly. + +At this moment the door of my apartment was hurled open, and Gerald +projected himself into the room. It was the evening before his return to +school, and there was a predatory look in his eye. He was accompanied by +his speechless friend. + +"Adrian, old son," he began, in such tones as an orator might address to +a refractory mob, "Moke and I are going to have a study next term, and +we want some furniture." + +I mildly remarked that in my day furniture was supplied by the school +authorities. + +"Yes, but I mean pictures and things. Can you give us one? We shall want +something to go on that wall opposite the window, shan't we, Moke? The +place where young Lee missed your head with the red-ink bottle. _Have_ +you got a picture handy, Adrian?" + +I replied in the negative. + +Gerald took not the slightest notice. + +"It will have to be a pretty big one," he continued. "There is a good +lot of red ink to cover. I have been taking a look round the house, and +I must say the pictures you've got are a fairly mangy lot--aren't they, +Moke?" + +The gentleman addressed coughed deprecatingly, and looked at me as much +as to say that, whatever he thought of my taste in art, he had eaten my +salt and would refrain from criticism. + +"There's one that might do, though," continued Gerald. "It's hanging in +the billiard-room--a big steamer in a storm." + +By this time Phillis and Robin had joined the conclave. + +"I know," said Phillis, nodding her head; "a great beautiful boat in +some waves. I should fink it was a friend of the _Great Eastern's_," she +added, referring to an antiquated print of the early Victorian leviathan +which hung in the nursery. + +"We could take it for a term or two, anyhow," continued Gerald, "until +we get something better. I'm expecting some really decent ones after +summer. Ainslie _major_ is leaving then, and he has promised to let me +have some of his cheap. Then you can have yours back, Adrian. That's the +scheme! Come on, Moke, we'll go and take it down now. Thanks very much, +old chap" (to me). "I'll tell Kitty that you've let us. We can jab it +off its hook with a billiard-cue, I should think, Moke. Come too, will +you, Mr Fordyce? You can stand underneath and catch it, in case it comes +down with a run. So long, Adrian!" + +The whole pack of them swept from the room, leaving the door open. + +When I looked in at the billiard-room on my way up to dress for dinner +an hour later, nothing remained to mark the spot hitherto occupied by a +signed and numbered proof of _An Ocean Greyhound_, by Michael Angelo +Mahlstaff, A.R.A. (a wedding gift to my wife and myself from the +artist), but the imprints of several hot hands on the wall, together +with a series of parallel perpendicular scars, apparently inflicted by a +full-sized harrow. + +From which two chapters it will be gathered that Robert Chalmers Fordyce +was a man capable, in his ordinary working-day, of playing many parts. + + + + +CHAPTER SEVEN. + +A DISSOLUTION OF PARTNERSHIP. + +I. + + +My wife and I would have been more than human if we had not occasionally +cast a curious eye upon the relations of Robin and the Twins. + +Of Robin's attitude towards that pair of charmers Kitty could make +little and I nothing. He kept his place and went his own way--rather +ostentatiously, I thought--and appeared if anything to avoid them. If he +found himself in their company he treated them with a certain grave +reticence--he soon grew out of his fondness for addressing us like a +public meeting--and made little attempt to bestow upon them the +attentions which young maidens are accustomed to receive from young men. + +There was no mystery about the Twins' attitude towards Robin. "Here," +said they in effect, "is a fine upstanding young man, full of promise, +but hampered in every direction by abysmal ignorance on matters of vital +importance. His instincts are sound, but at present he is quite +impossible. What he wants is mothering." + +And so they mothered him, most maternally. They exerted themselves quite +strenuously to instil into him the fundamental principles of life--the +correct method of tying a dress tie; the intricate ritual which governs +such things as visiting-cards and asparagus; the exact limit of the +domains of brown boots and dinner-jackets; the utter criminality of +dickeys, turn-down collars, and side-whiskers; and the superiority of +dialogue to monologue as a concomitant to afternoon tea. + +In many respects, they discovered with pleased surprise, their pupil +required no instruction or surveillance. For instance, he could always +be trusted to enter or leave a room without awkwardness, and his manner +of address was perfect. He was neither servile nor familiar, and the +only people to whom I ever saw him pay marked deference were the members +of what is after all the only real and natural aristocracy in the +world--that of old age. + +All their ministrations Robin received with grave wonder--he was not of +the sort that can easily magnify a fetish into a deity--but, evidently +struck by the intense importance attached by the Twins to their own +doctrines, he showed himself a most amenable pupil. Probably he +realised, in spite of hereditary preference for inward worth as opposed +to outward show, that though a coat cannot make a man, a good man in a +good coat often has the advantage of a good man in a bad coat. So he +allowed the Twins to round off his corners; and, without losing any of +his original ruggedness of character or toughness of fibre, he soon +developed into a well-groomed and sufficiently presentable +adjunct--quite distinguished-looking, Dilly said, when she met us one +day on our way down to the House--to a lady's morning walk. + +What he really thought of it all I do not know. I have a kind of +suspicion that deep down in his heart every Scot entertains a contempt +for the volatile and frivolous English which is only equalled by that of +the English for the nation to whom I once heard a Highland minister +refer as "the giddy and godless French"; but Robin was not given to the +revelation of his private thoughts. He seldom spoke of the Twins to +me--he was a discusser of manners rather than men--but he once remarked +that they were girls of widely different character. He entered into no +further details, but I remember being struck by the observation at the +time; for I had always regarded my sisters-in-law as being as identical +in disposition as they were in appearance. + +Still it was pretty to see Robin unbending to please the two girls, and +to hear him say "No, really?" or "My word, what rot!" when you knew that +his tongue was itching to cry, "Is that a fact?" or "Hoots!" or +"Havers!" as the occasion demanded. + +He also possessed the great and unique merit of not being ashamed to ask +for guidance in a difficulty. I have known him pause before an +unfamiliar dish at table and ask one of his preceptresses, in the +frankest manner possible, whether the exigencies of the situation called +for a spoon or a fork: and out of doors it was a perpetual joy to hear +him whisper, on the approach of some one whom he thought might be a +friend of ours, "Will I lift my hat?" + +All that year Robin was my right hand. It was a long session; and as +my Chief sat in the Upper House, much work in the way of answering +questions and making statements fell upon me. We had a good working +majority, but the Opposition were a united and well-organised body +that year, and we had to rise early and go to bed late to keep their +assaults at bay while proceeding with the programme of the session. +Every afternoon, before I entered the House to take my place at +question-time, my secretary insisted on taking me through the answers +which he had prepared for my recitation; and we also discussed the +line of action to be pursued if I were cornered by questions of the +"arising-out-of-that-answer" order. + +Personally, I loathed this part of the work--I am a departmentalist pure +and simple--but Robin's eye used to glow with the light of battle as he +rehearsed me in the undoubtedly telling counters with which I was to +pulverise the foe. + +"I would like fine," he once said to me, "to stand up in your place and +answer these questions for you." + +"I wish you could, Robin," I sighed. "And," I added, "I believe you will +some day." + +Robin turned pink, for the first time in our acquaintance, and I heard +his teeth click suddenly together. + +So the wind lay that way! + + + +II. + + +During the next year my household was furnished with three surprises, +Dilly contributing one and Robin two. + +Robin's came first. One was his uncle, the other his book. + +One night it fell to my lot to dine in the City, as the guest of the +Honourable Company of Tile-Glazers and Mortar-Mixers. As I swam +forlornly through a turgid ocean of turtle-soup and clarified punch +towards an unyielding continent of fish, irrigated by brown sherry, +mechanically rehearsing to myself the series of sparkling yet +statesmanlike epigrams with which I proposed to reply to the toast of +his Majesty's Ministers I became aware that the gentleman on my left was +addressing me in a voice that seemed vaguely familiar. + +"And how is my brother's second boy doing with you, Mr Inglethwaite?" + +I must have looked a trifle blank, for he added-- + +"My nephew, Robin." + +I glanced obliquely at the card which marked his place at table, and +read-- + + _Sir James Fordyce._ + +Then I began to grasp the situation, and I realised that this great man, +whose name was honourably known wherever the ills of childhood are +combated, was Robin's uncle, the "doctor" to whom my secretary had +casually referred, and whom he occasionally went to visit on Sunday +afternoons. I had pictured an overdriven G.P., living in Bloomsbury or +Balham, with a black bag, and a bulge in his hat where he kept his +stethoscope. A man sufficiently distinguished to represent his +profession at a public banquet was more than I had bargained for. + +We became friends at once, and supported each other, so to speak, amid +the multitude of dinners and dishes, our respective neighbours proving +but broken reeds so far as social intercourse was concerned. On Sir +James's left, I remember, sat a plethoric gentleman whose burnished +countenance gave him the appearance of a sort of incarnate Glazed Tile; +while my right-hand neighbour, from the manner in which he manipulated +the food upon his plate, I put down without hesitation as a Mortar Mixer +of high standing. + +The old gentleman gave me a good deal of information about Robin. + +"He had a hard fight his first year or two in London," he said. "I could +see by the way he fell upon his dinner when he came to my house that his +meat and drink were not easily come by. Still, now that he has won +through, he will not regret the experience. I had it myself. It is the +finest training that a young man can receive. Hard, terribly hard, but +invaluable! You will not have seen his father yet--my brother John?" + +I told him no. + +"Well, try and meet him. You, as an Englishman, would perhaps call him +hard and narrow,--after forty years of London I sometimes find him so +myself,--but he is a fine man, and he has a good wife. So have you," he +added unexpectedly--"Robin has told me that." + +I laughed, in what the Twins call the "silly little gratified way" which +obtrudes itself into my demeanour when any one praises Kitty. + +"I hope you are in the same happy situation," I said. + +"No, I am a bachelor. My brother John has not achieved a K.C.B., but he +is a more fortunate man than I." + +The conversation dropped here, but I repeated it to my wife afterwards. + +"Of course, the whole thing is as clear as daylight," she said. "These +two brothers both wanted to marry the same girl. She took the farmer +one, so the other, poor thing, went off to London and became a famous +doctor instead. That's all. He might have been Robin's father, but he's +only his uncle." + +Happy the mind which can reconstruct a romance out of such scanty +material. + +Sir James ultimately dined at my house, and became a firm friend of all +that dwelt therein, especially Phillis. + +Then came Robin's second surprise--his book. It was a novel, and a very +good novel too. He had been at it for some time, he told me, but it was +only recently that he had contrived to finish it off. Being distrustful +of its merits, he had decided to offer it to just one good publisher, +who could take it or leave it. If he took it, well and good. But if the +publisher (and possibly just one other) exhibited an attitude of +aloofness, Robin had fully decided not to hawk his bantling about among +other less reputable and more amenable firms, but to consign it to his +bedroom fire. + +However, this inhuman but only-too-unusual sacrifice of the parental +instinct was averted by the one good publisher, who accepted the book, +and introduced Robin to the public. + +Either through shyness or indifference Robin had told us nothing of the +approaching interesting event, and it was not until one morning in +October, when a parcel of complimentary copies arrived from the +publisher's, that we were apprised of the fact that we had been +cherishing an author in our midst. Robin solemnly presented us with a +copy apiece (which I thought handsome but extravagant), and also sent +one to his parents, who, though I think they rather doubted the +propriety of possessing a son who wrote novels at all, wrote back +comparing it very favourably with _The Pilgrim's Progress_, the only +other work of fiction with which they were acquainted. + +The book itself dealt with matters rather than men, and with men rather +than women; which was characteristic of its author, but rather +irritating for the Twins. It had a good deal to say about the under-side +of journalism,--graphic and convincing, all this,--and contained a +rather technical but absorbingly interesting account of some most +exciting financial operations, winding up with a great description of a +panic on the Stock Exchange. But there were few light and no tender +passages, from which it will be seen that Robin as an author appealed to +the male rather than the female intellect. + +The Twins, I think, were secretly rather disappointed with the book, +less from any particular fondness for the perusal of love-passages than +from a truly human desire to note how Robin would have handled them; for +it is always interesting to see to what extent our friends will give +themselves away when they commit the indiscretion of a book. On this +occasion Robin had been exasperatingly self-contained. + +But life is full of compensations. There was a dedication. It read:-- + + THIS BOOK + + OWES ITS INCEPTION, + + AND IS THEREFORE + + DEDICATED, + + TO + + A CIRCUMSTANCE + + OVER + + WHOM + + I HAVE NO CONTROL. + + R. C. F. + +Now it is obvious that in nine cases out of ten there is only one +circumstance over whom a vigorous young man has no control, and this +circumstance wears petticoats. Hitherto I had not seriously connected +Robin with the tender passion, and this sudden intimation that the most +serious-minded and ambitious of young men is not immune from the same +rather startled me. + +The female members of my establishment were pleasantly fluttered, though +they were concerned less with the lady's existence than with her +identity. + +"Who do you think she is?" inquired Kitty of me, the first time the +subject cropped up between us. + +"Don't know, I'm sure," I murmured. I was smoking my post-prandial cigar +at the time, at peace with all the world. "Never had the privilege of +seeing his visiting-list." + +"I wonder who she can be," continued my wife. "He--he hasn't said +anything to you, has he, dear?" she inquired, in a tentative voice. + +I slowly opened one of my hitherto closed eyes, and cocked it +suspiciously at the diplomatist sitting opposite to me. (The Twins and +Robin were out at the theatre.) Then, observing that she was stealthily +regarding me through her eyelashes--a detestable trick which some women +have--I solemnly agitated my eyelid some three or four times and gently +closed it again. + +"Has he confided any of his love affairs to you, I mean?" continued +Kitty, quite unabashed. + +"If you eat any more chocolates you will make yourself sick," I +observed. + +"Yes, dear," said my wife submissively, pushing away the bon-bon dish. +"But has he?" + +"Are you trying to pump me?" + +"Oh, gracious, no! What would be the good? I only asked a plain +question. You men are such creatures for screening each other, though, +that it's never any use asking a man anything about another man." + +"True for you. As a matter of fact, Robin has hardly said a word to me +on the subject of women since first I met him." + +Kitty thoughtfully cracked a filbert with her teeth--an unladylike habit +about which I have often spoken to her--and said-- + +"What exciting chats you must have!" Then she added reflectively-- + +"I expect it's a girl in Scotland. A sort of Highland lassie, in a kilt, +or whatever female Highlanders wear." + +"Why should a novel about the Stock Exchange 'owe its inception' to a +Highland lassie?" + +Kitty took another filbert. + +"That's 'vurry bright' of you, Adrian, as that American girl used to +say. There's something in that. (Yes, I know you don't like it, dear, +but I love doing it. I'll pour you out another glass of port. There!) +But any idiotic excuse is good enough for a man in love. Has he ever +been sentimental with you--quoted poetry, or anything?" + +"N-no. Stop, though! He did once quote Burns to me, but that was _a +propos_ of poetry in general, not of love-making." + +I remembered the incident well. Robin had picked up at a bookstall a +copy of an early and quite valuable edition of Burns' poems. He had sat +smoking with me in the library late the same night, turning over the +pages of the tattered volume, and quoting bits, in broad vernacular, +from "Tam o' Shanter" and "The Cottar's Saturday Night." Suddenly he +began, almost to himself-- + + "O, my love is like a red, red rose, + That's newly sprung in June; + My love is like a melody + That's sweetly played in tune. + As fair art thou, my bonnie lass, + So deep in love am I----" + +He broke off for a moment, and I remembered how he glowered ecstatically +into the fire. Then he concluded-- + + "And I will love thee still, my dear, + Till a' the seas gang dry." + +"Man," he said, "that's fine! That's poetry. That's the real thing!" + +I had agreed. It is no use arguing with a Scot about Burns. (I remember +once being nearly dirked at a Caledonian Dinner because I ventured to +remark that "before ye" was not in my opinion a good rhyme to "Loch +Lomond.") + +However, Kitty and I were unable to decide whether Robin's "bonnie lass" +on that occasion had been a personality or an abstraction. + +"Mightn't it be one of the Twins?" I remarked. + +"Well, it _might_ be," admitted Kitty judicially, "but he has kept it +very close if it is. No," she continued more decidedly, "I don't think +it can be. They are quite out of his line. Besides--it would be too +absurd!" + +It was not one Twin at any rate, for a fortnight later Dilly sprung upon +us the third surprise of the series I have mentioned. She announced that +she had decided to marry Dicky Lever. + +There was, I suppose, nothing very surprising in that. Dicky had been in +constant attendance upon the Twins for nearly two years, and had long +since graduated into the ranks of the Good Sorts. The surprise to +us--rather unreasonably, perhaps--lay in the fact of-- + +1. Dicky having definitely fixed upon a particular Twin to propose to; + +2. That Twin having definitely selected Dicky out of the assortment at + her command. + +I was so accustomed to seeing my sisters-in-law compassed about by a +cloud of young men who appeared to admire them both equally, and to whom +they appeared to apportion their favours with indiscriminate +_camaraderie_, that the idea of one admirer stealing a march on all the +others seemed a little unfair, somehow. + +As Dolly remarked, it would break up the firm horribly. + +"You see," she confided to me rather plaintively, "Dilly will have no +use for them now, and they'll have still less use for her--an engaged +girl beside other girls is about as exciting as a tapioca-pudding at a +Lord Mayor's Banquet--and they will only have me. That won't be half the +fun." + +"I should have thought that your fun would have been exactly doubled," I +said. + +"Not a bit. How like a man! Don't you see, the fun used to be in playing +them backwards and forwards between our two selves--like ping-pong, you +know! It was clinking!" + +She sighed regretfully. + +"Now I shall either have to avoid men or marry them," she concluded, +vaguely but regretfully. "Before, if they got in the way, I could always +volley them back to Dilly. Now--one _can't_ play ping-pong all by +oneself!" + + + +III. + +Dilly's engagement, as is usual under such circumstances, afforded my +household many opportunities for airy badinage and innocent merriment. + +Dolly always heralded her coming into the billiard-room, where the +affianced pair had staked out a claim, by a cough of penetrating +severity, and usually entered the room with her features obscured by an +open umbrella. On several occasions, too, she impersonated her sister; +and once, when Dicky was spending a week-end in the house, was only +prevented by the fraction of a second from robbing that incensed damosel +of her morning salute. + +My share in the proceedings was limited to a single constrained +interview with Dicky, at which, feeling extremely rude and inquisitive, +I asked him the usual stereotyped questions about his income, prospects, +and habits (most of which I knew only too well already), which, being +satisfactorily answered, I rang the bell for the Tantalus, and thanked +heaven that the Twins were not Triplets. I had indeed suggested that +Dilly's nearest and most natural protector was her brother, Master +Gerald, and that Dicky should apply not for my consent but his. This +motion, however, was negatived without a division. I was sorry, for I +think my brother-in-law would have shown himself worthy of the occasion. + +My wife received the news of the engagement with all the enthusiasm +usually exhibited by a Salvation lassie when a fresh convert is hustled +forward to the "saved" bench, and henceforth divided her time between +ordering Dilly's trousseau and giving tea-parties, at which the +prospective bridegroom was produced and passed round, "as if," to use +his own expression, "he were the newest thing in accordion-pleating." + +As regards Robin's share in the event, I can only recall one incident. +He had been away at Stoneleigh, the largest town in my constituency, on +some party business, and when he returned home the engagement had been +announced for nearly a week. + +"I must go and offer my good wishes to Miss Dilly," he said, after +hearing the news. "Do you know where she is, Mrs Inglethwaite?" + +"I saw her upstairs a few minutes ago," said Kitty. "Come up, and we'll +find her." + +We were in the library at the time, and Kitty and Robin left the room +together. The rest of the story my wife told me later. + +"We went up," she said, "and looked into the drawing-room, where I had +last seen Dilly. The room was nearly dark, but she was there, sitting +curled up in front of the fire. + +"'There she is,' I said. 'Go and say something nice.' + +"Well, dear,"--Kitty's face assumed an air of impressive solemnity which +makes her absurdly like her daughter--"he stood hesitating a moment, and +then walked straight up to her and said-- + +"'Good afternoon! Can you tell me where your sister is? I want to offer +her my good wishes on the great event.' + +"It wasn't Dilly at all. It was Dolly! And he was able to distinguish +between the two in that dim room. And _I_ couldn't!" + +"Oh," said I carelessly, "I expect he noticed she wasn't wearing an +engagement-ring." + +My wife looked at me and sighed, as over one who would spoil a romance +for want of a ha'porth of sentiment. And yet I know she would have been +quite scandalised if any one had hinted at tender passages between her +sister and my secretary. Women are curious creatures. + + + + +CHAPTER EIGHT. + +OF A PIT THAT WAS DIGGED, AND WHO FELL INTO IT. + + +Dicky Lever was a hearty and not particularly intellectual youth of the +What ho! type (if you know what I mean). He was employed in some +capacity in a Government office, but his livelihood was not entirely +dependent on his exertions therein--which was, perhaps, fortunate, as +his sole claim to distinction in his Department lay in the fact of his +holding the record for the highest score at small cricket in the Junior +Secretaries' room. He was a member of the Leander Club, a more than +usually capable amateur actor, and a very good fellow all round. + +The engagement was announced at the end of July, which is a busy time +for this country's legislators. The session was drawing to a close, and +we were passing Bills with a prodigality and despatch which provoked +many not altogether undeserved gibes from a reptile Opposition Press +concerning the devotion of his Majesty's Government to the worship of +Saint Grouse. + +One night I brought Champion home to dinner between the afternoon and +evening sittings. At the latter he was to move the second reading of his +"Municipal Co-ordination Bill," a measure which was intended to grapple +with the chaos arising from the multitude of opposing or overlapping +interests that controlled the domestic arrangements of the Londoner. An +effort was to be made to bring all the Gas, Electricity, Water, Paving, +and other corporations into some sort of line, and prevent them from +getting into each other's way and adding to the expenses and +inconvenience of the much-enduring ratepayer. It was a useful little +Bill; but though everybody approved of it on principle, various powerful +interests were at work against it, and its prospects of getting through +Committee hung in the balance. + +"Now, Mr Champion," said Dilly, who knew that a man always likes to be +questioned about his work, especially by a pretty girl, "what will your +Bill do for _us_? I have asked this person here,"--indicating her +_fiance_,--"but he says parish-pump politics aren't in his department. +He licks stamps at the Foreign Office," she added in explanation. + +"Tell her, Champion," said Dicky. "Out of my line altogether. Takes me +all my time to keep an eye on those Johnnies in the Concert of Europe." + +"I will tell you one thing the Bill will do, Miss Dilly," said Champion, +a little heavily. (Dolly once said of him, "He's awfully clever and able +and all that, but he hasn't got a light hand for conversational +pastry.") "How many times have you noticed the streets up about here +this year?" + +"Heaps," said Dilly. + +"They have hardly ever been down," corroborated Dolly. + +"Let me see," continued Dilly. "Our side of the Square was repaved in +January. Directly after that they took it up again and did something to +the drains." + +"In March they opened it again to lay down an electric light main," said +I. + +"In April something burst," said Dolly, "and that meant more men with +wigwams and braziers." + +"And last month," concluded Dilly, "they took away the wood pavement and +relaid the whole Square with some new patent asphalte, which smelt +simply, oh----" + +"Rotten!" supplied Gerald. (Have I mentioned that he had just arrived +home for his summer holiday?) + +"Well," said Champion, "the Bill would regulate that sort of thing. It +would protect the streets from being torn up at will by any Company who +happened to have business underneath them. As things are, practically +any one may come along and hew holes anywhere he pleases." + +"The police ought to stop it," said Kitty, who has a profound belief in +the Force. (I am convinced that if Beelzebub himself were to enter the +house at any time during my absence, Kitty would lure him into the +dining-room with the sherry, and then telephone for a constable.) + +"The police have no right," said Champion. "If a gas company choose to +give notice that they intend on a certain day to come and burrow in a +road, all the police can do is to divert the traffic, and make the gas +company as comfortable as possible." + +I was not following this conversation with any particular interest. +Being expected to speak in favour of the Bill that night, I was +undergoing the preliminary anguish which invariably attends my higher +oratorical efforts. But I remember now that about this time Dilly +suddenly turned to Dicky and whispered something in his ear. Then they +both looked across the dinner-table at Robin, who nodded, as who should +say, "I know fine what you whispered then." After that they all three +laughed and looked down the table at Champion, who was still expatiating +on the merits of his Bill. + +I suppose anybody else would have divined what was in the wind, but I +did not. + + * * * * * + +A week later we were treated to an all-night sitting. The Irishmen had +been quiescent of late, but on this occasion they made amends for their +temporary relaxation of patriotism by resolutely obstructing an +Appropriation Bill, which had to pass through Committee that night (if +John Bull was to have any ready cash at all during the next few months), +and kept us replying to amendments and trotting through division-lobbies +until six o'clock next morning. + +Robin stayed on in attendance at the House most of the night, but about +three o'clock I sent him home, with instructions to stay in bed till +tea-time if he pleased. He had had a hard time lately. + +I was walking homeward in the early sunshine, marvelling, as people who +accidentally find themselves up early pharisaically do, at the fatuity +of those who waste the best hours of the whole day in bed, and revelling +in the near prospect of a bath and my breakfast, when on turning a +corner I walked into a hand-cart which was standing across the pavement. +It contained workmen's tools--picks, shovels, and the like. On the near +side of the roadway a man was erecting one of those curious wigwam +arrangements which screen the operations of electricians and other +subterranean burrowers from the public gaze. A dirty-faced small boy in +corduroys was tending a brazier of live coals, upon which some breakfast +cans were steaming. Between the wigwam and the pavement a gigantic navvy +was hewing wooden paving-blocks out of the roadway. + +The spectacle did not attract my interest specially, as this particular +piece of street had been eviscerated so often that I had grown callous +to its sufferings. But I paused for a moment to survey the big navvy's +muscles, and to wonder how early in the morning it would be necessary to +rise in order to catch a small boy with a clean face. The navvy was a +fine specimen of humanity, with a complexion tanned a dusky coffee +colour. + +I was reflecting on the joys of the simple life and the futility of +politics and other indoor pastimes in general, when the big man rose +from his stooping posture and caught my eye. He appeared a little +disconcerted by my scrutiny, and turned his back and renewed his +exertions with increased vigour, favouring me hereafter with what +architects call a "south elevation" of himself. + +I went home to breakfast, wondering where I had seen the big navvy's +back before. I mentioned casually to Kitty and the Twins that Goring +Street was up again. They wondered how the management of the Goring +Hotel liked it, with that mess under their very windows, and agreed with +me that it was high time Champion's Bill, due for its Third Reading +to-morrow, became law. + +I stayed in bed till lunch-time, and then, rather late in the afternoon, +set out for the House, which I knew I should find in an extremely limp +condition after its previous night's dissipation. On the way I called in +at the Goring Hotel in Goring Street, where Champion lived when in town. +I found him in his room on the first floor, gazing out of the window +into the street. + +I looked out too, to see what was interesting him. Directly below us lay +the encampment of the workmen whom I had seen in the morning. They had +hewed up a few yards of the wood pavement, and the smaller of the two +men was now immersed up to his waist in a hole, working rather +laboriously in the restricted space at his command with a pick-axe. The +boy was piling wooden blocks into a neat heap, and the big man, whose +form was only partially visible, was doing something inside the wigwam. + +The roadway was more than half blocked, and cabs and omnibuses, in +charge of overheated and eloquent drivers, were being filtered through +the narrow space left at their disposal by a phlegmatic policeman. + +"Look here," said Champion. + +I looked. + +"What on _earth_ are those fellows doing?" he continued. + +"Re-laying the road, perhaps." + +"One doesn't re-lay a road by making a deep hole in it." + +"Well--gas!" + +"Gas and electric light mains in this street are all led along a special +conduit reached by manholes every eighty yards," said Champion. "There's +no need to dig." + +"Well--drains!" said I vaguely. But I was a mere child in the hands of +this expert. + +"The drains, as you call them," he said testily, "consist of a great +sewer away in the depths, accessible from various appointed places. +Besides, nobody in his senses tries to lift earth out of a hole with a +pick-axe." + +"Perhaps the solution of the mystery lies inside the wigwam," I said. + +"No. That is just what complicates matters. When a shaft leading down to +the electric light mains is opened, one of those canvas shelters is put +over the top. Now there is nothing under that shelter--nothing but the +bit of road it covers. The thing seems to be simply a stage accessory, +planted there to give the encampment an aspect of reality. Ah, look at +that!" + +"That" was a small piece of paving-wood, dexterously hurled by the +dirty-faced boy, who seemed to be finding time hang rather heavily on +his hands. It took a passing citizen in the small of the back, but when +he swung round to detect the source of the missile the boy was on his +knees again industriously blowing up the brazier. + +With an indignant snort the citizen passed on his way, doubtless adding +the outrage, in his mind, to the long list of unsolved London crimes. +But retribution awaited the youthful miscreant. The phlegmatic policeman +who was regulating the traffic on the single-line system happened to +notice the deed. He walked majestically across from the far side of the +street towards our excavating friends. + +"Come on!" said Champion to me. "There's going to be some fun." + +We stepped out through one of the windows, which possessed a broad +balcony, and took our stand behind some laurels in tubs which lined the +balustrade. The street was comparatively quiet at the time, and we were +able to hear most of the dialogue that ensued. + +"'Ere, mate," began the traffic-expert to the smaller of the two +navvies, "just ketch that boy of yours a clip on the side of the 'ead, +will you?" + +The smaller man desisted from his labours in the hole. + +"Wotsye, ole sport?" he inquired cheerily. + +The policeman was a little ruffled by this familiarity. + +"I'll trouble _you_," he repeated with some hauteur, "to ketch that boy +of yours a clip on the side of the 'ead. If not, I shall 'ave to do my +duty, according----" + +Here the roar of a passing dray drowned his utterance. + +The smaller man clambered nimbly out of the hole and proceeded to grab +his young friend by the scruff of the neck. + +"Billy," he remarked dispassionately, "this gentleman says as 'ow I'm to +give you a clip on the side of the 'ead." + +"Woffor," inquired Billy, simulating extreme terror. + +The man passed the question on to the policeman, who explained the +nature of the offence. His statement was voluntarily corroborated by +several members of an audience which seemed to have materialised from +nowhere, and now formed a ring round the encampment. + +"Righto!" said the man with cheery acquiescence. "Billy, my lad, you've +got to 'ave it." + +"Tha's right, ole son! You give 'im socks," remarked a hoarse and rather +indistinct voice of the gin-and-fog variety, from among the spectators. + +Simultaneously its owner lurched his way to the front rank, the others +making room for him with that respectful sympathy, not unmixed with +envy, which is always accorded to a true-born Briton in his condition. +He was obviously a member of some profession connected with coal-dust, +and it was plain that he had been celebrating the conclusion of his +day's labours. + +The smaller navvy, thus exhorted, administered the desired clip. It was +not a particularly severe one, but it drew from its recipient the +somewhat unexpected expostulation-- + +"You silly ass! Not so hard!" + +Where had I heard that stentorian but childish voice before? Who was +this road-breaker's acolyte, with his brazier, his dirty face, and--a +public-school accent? + +I leaned over the balustrade and surveyed him and his two companions. +Then I drew my breath sharply. + +Merciful heavens! + +The dirty-faced boy was my brother-in-law, Master Gerald Rubislaw, the +clip-administerer was Dicky Lever, and the gigantic and taciturn navvy +was--my Secretary! + +Having witnessed the carrying-out of the sentence, the policeman +returned to his duties; none too soon; for a furniture van and a +butcher's cart, locked in an inextricable embrace, the subject of a +sulphurous duet between their respective proprietors, called loudly for +his attention. + +Meanwhile Coaldust, who had been inspecting the result of our friends' +united labours with some interest, suddenly echoed the question which +had first exercised Champion's logical mind by inquiring what the blank +dash the two adjectival criminals and the qualified nipper thought they +were doing to the asterisked road. + +He received no encouragement. Robin was now engaged with a hammer and +chisel in cutting a sort of touch-line all round the encampment, while +Dicky did not cease manfully to delve with the pick-axe in the pit which +he had digged for himself. For a long time they turned a deaf ear to the +anxious inquiries of their interlocutor. + +But there are limits to long-suffering. Coaldust's witticisms increased +with his audience, and at last Dicky turned to Robin and cried, with a +really admirable maintenance of character and accent-- + +"'Ere, Scotty, come and give this bloke one in the neck. 'E's askin' for +it!" + +Robin deliberately suspended operations, rose heavily to his feet, and +cleared his throat. Then he turned upon the alcoholic Coaldust. I +strained my ears. Surely _he_ was not going to talk Cockney! + +Far from it. He stuck to his last. + +"See here, ma man," he roared, in a voice that made the crowd jump, "are +ye for a ding on the side o' the heid?" + +Coaldust capitulated with alacrity. + +"No offence, 'Orace!" he remarked genially. "You an' me was always pals. +Put it there!" He extended an ebony hand, which Robin solemnly shook and +returned to his work. + +Whatever my three friends were up to, it is possible that they might now +have been left in peace for some time; for the crowd, seeing no chance +of further sport from Coaldust, began to melt away. But a fresh +character entered the scene to keep alive the nagging interest of the +drama. + +My first intimation that something new was afoot came from an errand-boy +on the edge of the crowd, who, addressing a lady or ladies unseen, +suddenly expressed a desire to be chased. + +All heads were now turned down the street, and there, approaching with +rather faltering steps, carrying a red cotton bundle and a tea-can, I +beheld--one of my sisters-in-law! + +Postulating Dicky, I presumed it was Dilly, and I began to piece +together in my mind the plot of this elaborate comedy. Evidently Dicky, +Robin, and Gerald had decided--for a bet, or because they were dared, or +possibly with a view to giving Champion's Bill a leg-up by a practical +demonstration of the crying need for it--to dress themselves up as +workmen and come and "do a turn," as they say in the music halls, to the +discomfort of his Majesty's lieges and the congestion of traffic, upon +some sufficiently busy thoroughfare for a stated period of time. + +Certainly they were doing it rather well. They were admirably made +up,--Dicky was a past-master at that sort of thing,--and their +operations so far had been sufficiently like the genuine article to +impose upon the public in general,--if we except Champion and +Coaldust,--even to the point of securing the assistance of the +traffic-directing policeman. + +But alas! with that one step further, which is so often fatal to great +enterprises, they had sought to add a finishing touch of realism to +their impersonation by the inclusion of a little feminine interest; and +to that end Dilly had been added to the cast--or more likely had added +herself--in the _role_ of a young person of humble station bringing her +affianced his tea. + +And, not for the first time in the history of man, it was the woman who +opened the door to disaster. + +Dilly wore a natty print dress--probably my housemaid's--with a tartan +shawl over her head. She had on her thickest shoes, but they were +woefully smart and thin for a girl of her class. Moreover, her hair was +beautifully arranged under the shawl, and her hands--though she had had +the sense to discard her ruby and sapphire engagement-ring--were too +white and her face was too clean to lend conviction to her +impersonation. In short, in her desire to present a pleasing _tout +ensemble_--an object in which I must say she had succeeded to +perfection--Dilly had utterly neglected detail and histrionic accuracy. + +Evidently she was not expecting a gallery. Two highly-interested +concentric circles--one of people and one of dogs--round her _fiance's_ +encampment was rather more than she had bargained for. She had emerged +quite suddenly from a side street (which I knew led to a shortcut from +home) and now paused irresolutely a few yards away, crimson to the roots +of her hair, what time the errand-boy, with looks of undisguised +admiration, continued to reiterate his desire to be pursued. + +The crowd all turned and stared at poor Dilly. Obviously they did not +know what to make of her. Possibly she was some one from the chorus of a +musical comedy going to be photographed, possibly she was merely "a bit +balmy," or possibly she was an advertisement for something, and would +begin to distribute hand-bills presently. So far, she merely looked as +if she wanted to cry. + +It was Robin who saw her first. He immediately stepped over his +newly-completed touch-line, and taking the spotted bundle and the +tea-can from her hands, conducted her ceremoniously within the magic +circle, saying, in a voice much more like his own than before-- + +"Come away, lassie!" + +Dicky looked up from his labours at this, and beheld his _fiancee_ for +the first time. All he said was-- + +"By gad, you've done it after all! Bravo!" + +But Dilly did not appear to be at all gratified She merely sat on +Gerald's little mountain of paving-blocks, looking as if she could not +decide whether to throw her apron over her face and scream, or take a +header into the wigwam. My heart bled for her in spite of her folly. The +crowd, deeply interested and breathing hard, stood round waiting for the +performance to begin. + +It was Coaldust who took the lead. + +"Tip us a song and dance, Clara," he said encouragingly. + +Robin, who had been making a show of unfastening the bundle, suddenly +rose to his feet. Coaldust saw him. + +"All right, Carnegie," he remarked hurriedly. "No offence, ole pal!" + +But Robin turned to Dicky, and the two held a hasty conversation, whose +nature I could guess. Dilly could not be exposed to this sort of thing +any longer. They began to put on their coats. + +"They are going to give it up," I said, not without relief. "About time, +isn't it? Do you recognise them, Champion?" + +But Champion, I found, was gone--probably to establish an _alibi_. +Perhaps he was right. Questions might be asked in the House about this. + +When I turned again to the scene below I found that the crowd had +thickened considerably, and that the policeman had once more left the +traffic to congest itself, and joined in the game. + +"You must tell that young woman to move on," he said to Dicky, not +unkindly. "She's causin' a crowd to collect, and that's a thing she can +be give in charge for." + +"All right," said Dicky hurriedly, "we're all going." + +The policeman, struck by this sudden anxiety to oblige, became +suspicious. + +"All of you?" he said. "'Ow about this mess in the road?" + +Robin came to the rescue. + +"We'll be back presently and sort it," he said reassuringly. + +"Of course," said Dicky, pulling himself together. "Back in 'arf a tick, +governor!" + +"Don't you go callin' me names," said the policeman, as the spectators +indulged in happy laughter. + +"Sorry!--I mean, certainly!" said Dicky, getting flustered. (I could see +Robin glowering at him.) "We are just going down the street a minute. +This--er--girl has brought us a bit of bad news. There's been an +accident happened--er----" + +"To her puir old mither," put in Robin, whom I began to suspect of +rather enjoying this entertainment for its own sake. + +This heartrending piece of intelligence touched the crowd, and Coaldust +was instantly forward in proposing an informal vote of condolence, which +was seconded by a bare-armed lady in a deerstalker cap. But the +policeman, evidently roused by our friends' ill-judged and precipitate +attempt to strike camp, suddenly produced a pocket-book from his tunic, +and said-- + +"It is my duty to take your names and addresses, together with the name +of the firm employing you." + +This announcement obviously disconcerted Dicky and Robin; for it is one +thing to take part in a masquerade, and another to get out of the +consequences thereof by cold-drawn lying. + +However, the policeman was sucking his pencil and waiting, so Dicky +said-- + +"You can get all the information you want from the Borough Surveyor." + +It was a bold effort, but the policeman merely said-- + +"Your name, please!" + +Dicky, fairly cornered, replied-- + +"Er--Samuel"--I thought at first he was going to say "Inglethwaite," and +was prepared to drop a flower-pot on his head if he did; but he +continued, with the air of one offering a real bargain at the +price--"Phillipps." + +"Two P's?" inquired the constable. + +"Three," said Dicky. + +The policeman rolled a threatening eye upon him. + +"Be careful!" he said in an awful voice. + +"One of them comes at the beginning," said Dicky meekly. + +"Haw, haw!" roared several people in the crowd, which was unfortunate +for Dicky. He was one of those people who would risk a kingdom to raise +a laugh. + +"Address?" continued the policeman. + +"Buck'nam Pallis!" shouted Coaldust, before any one else in the crowd +could say it. + +The policeman turned and directed upon him a look that would have +entirely obfuscated a soberer man. + +"I'll attend to you presently," he said in the exact tones which my +dentist employs when he shuts me into the waiting-room. "Now then, your +address? Come along!" + +Dicky gave some address which I did not catch, and the representative of +the law turned to Robin. The latter evidently saw rocks ahead if the +inquisition was to be extended to the whole party. He said-- + +"Surely there is no need to take any more names." + +"I'll be responsible for the lot," added Dicky eagerly--too eagerly. +"Now let's be off! Come along Di--Liza!" + +He took Dilly by the arm, and, preceded by Gerald, began to press +through the crowd, which by this time extended almost right across the +street. + +But the now thoroughly aroused guardian of the peace, determined not to +be rushed like this, broke away from Robin, who was engaging him in +pleasant conversation, and, hastening after the retreating group, laid a +detaining and imperious hand on Dilly's arm. + +What happened next I was not quick enough to see. But there was a swirl +and a heave in the crowd, and presently Dicky became visible, standing +in a very heroic attitude with his arm round Dilly; while the policeman, +with an awe-inspiring deliberateness which implied "Now you _have_ gone +and done it!" extricated himself majestically but painfully from the +chasm in the road which had recently been occupying Dicky's attention, +and into which Dicky in defence of his beloved had apparently pushed +him. + +Picking up his pocket-book and putting it back into his chest, and +uttering the single and awful word "_Assault!_" the policeman produced a +whistle and blew it. + +Things were certainly getting serious, and I had just decided to send +out the hotel porter to the policeman to tell him to bring his captives +inside out of the way of the crowd, when I noticed that Robin was +ploughing his way towards the outskirts of the throng, waving his arm as +he went. Then I saw that his objective was another policeman--an +Inspector this time. He was a gigantic creature, and Robin and he, +slowly forging towards each other through the surrounding sea of faces, +looked like two liners in a tideway. + +Robin's conduct in deliberately attracting the notice of yet another +representative of law and order appeared eccentric on the face of it, +but his subsequent behaviour was more peculiar still. + +He seized the newly-arrived giant by the arm, and drew him apart from +the crowd, where he told him something which appeared to amuse them both +considerably. + +"Yewmorous dialogue," announced Coaldust to his neighbours, "between +Cleopartrer's Needle and the Moniment!" + +But it was more than that,--it was deep calling to deep. Presently the +explanation, or the joke, or whatever it was, came to an end, and the +Inspector advanced threateningly upon the crowd. + +"Pass along, there, pass along!" he cried with a devastating sweep of +his arm. He spoke with a Highland accent, and I realised yet once more +the ubiquity of that great Mutual Benefit Society which has its +headquarters north of the Tweed. + +The crowd politely receded about six inches, and through them, +accompanied by Robin, the Inspector clove his way to the encampment, +where Dicky, who seemed to be rapidly losing his head, was delivering a +sort of recitative to every one in general, accompanied by the policeman +on the whistle. + +What the Inspector said to his subordinate I do not know, but the net +result was that in a very short time the former was escorting the entire +party of excavators down the street, attended by a retinue of small boys +(who were evidently determined to see if it was going to turn out a +hanging matter); while the latter, to whom the clearing of the "house" +had evidently been deputed, set about that task with a vigour and +ferocity which plainly indicated a well-meaning and zealous mind +tingling under an entirely undeserved official snub. + + * * * * * + +They told me all about it in the smoking-room that night. + +"The idea," began Dicky, "was----" + +"Whose idea was it?" I inquired sternly "It was all of our idea," +replied my future relative by marriage lucidly. + +"But who worked it out?" I asked,--"the plot, the business, the 'props'? +It was a most elaborate production." + +"Never you mind that, old man," said Dicky lightly. (But I saw that +Robin was laboriously relighting his pipe and surrounding himself with +an impenetrable cloud of smoke.) "Listen to the yarn. The idea was to +stake out a claim in some fairly busy road and stay there for a given +time--say, six o'clock till tea-time--and kid the passing citizens that +we were duly authorised to get in the way and mess up the traffic +generally. If we succeeded we were going to write to _The Times_ or some +such paper and tell what we had done--anonymously, of course--just to +show how necessary Champion's Bill is." + +"Have you written the letter?" + +"Yes." + +"I wouldn't send it if I were you." + +"Well, that's what Robin here has been saying." + +"Putrid rot if we don't!" remarked Gerald, who had by this time washed +his face, but ought to have been in bed for all that. + +"We can't do it," said Robin. "For one thing, we have attracted quite +enough public attention already,--it's bound to be in the papers anyhow, +now, and that will probably give the Bill all the advertisement it +needs,--and if we give the authorities any more clues our names may come +out. For another thing, it wouldn't be fair to Hector MacPherson." + +"Who is he?" + +"That Inspector who came up at the critical moment. He was one of my +first friends in London." + +"I remember. Go on." + +"I was thankful to see him, I can tell you. Well, he undertook to square +that poor bewildered bobby, and to take steps to get the road cleared +and the hole filled up." + +"How?" + +"There is a street being mended just round the corner, and he said he +would get the foreman of the gang, who is a relation of his wife's, to +send a couple of men to put things right immediately. It's probably done +by now." + +"Then I suppose we may regard the incident as closed." + +"Yes, I suppose so." + +There was a silence. + +"It was a bit of a failure at the finish," said Dicky meditatively, "but +it was a success on the whole--what?" + +"Rather!" said his fellow-conspirators. + +"Our chief difficulty," continued Dicky, "was to decide on the exact +type of drama to present. I was all for our dressing up as foreigners, +and relaying an asphalte street. It would have been top-hole to trot +about in list slippers and pat the hot asphalte down with those things +they use. And think of the make-up!--curly moustaches and earrings! And +we could have jabbered spoof Italian. But then old Robin here, who I +must say has a headpiece on him, pointed out that the scenery and props +would be much too expensive. We should want a cart with a bonfire in it +and a sort of witches' cauldron on top, and all kinds of sticky stuff; +so we gave up that scheme. We did not feel inclined to mess with +gas-pipes or electric wires either, in case we burst ourselves up; so we +finally decided to select some street with a wooden pavement, and maul +it about generally for as long as we could. If we got interfered with by +anybody official, we meant to talk some rot about the Borough Surveyor, +and skedaddle if necessary. But it all worked beautifully!" + +"Where did you get your tools and tent?" + +"Robin managed that," said Dicky admiringly. + +Robin looked extremely dour, and I refrained from further inquiry. + +"Robin's got some rum pals, I _don't_ think!" observed Gerald +pertinently. + +"Didn't I make these chaps up well?" continued Dicky enthusiastically. +"We roared when you passed us at breakfast-time without spotting us." + +"Very creditable impersonation," I replied, getting up and knocking my +pipe out. "I only hope I shan't have to resign my seat over it. If I may +venture to offer a criticism, the weak spot in the enterprise was the +idea of inviting your lady friends to come and take tea with you." + +"Just what I said all along, my boy," remarked the experienced Gerald, +wagging his head sagely. "That was what mucked up the show. Wherever +there's a petticoat there's trouble. Oh, I _warned_ them!" + +On my way up to bed I flushed Dilly from a window-seat on the staircase, +where she had evidently been lingering on the off-chance of a +supplementary good-night from Dicky. + +"Well?" I said severely. + +"Well?" + +"Do you know what time it is?" + +"I expect your wife will tell you that when you get upstairs," said +Dilly. + +I tried a fresh line. + +"After the labours of to-day, I should have thought you would have been +glad to go to bed," I said. "You imp!" And I laughed. There is something +very disarming about the Twins' misdemeanours. + +We turned and walked upstairs together, and paused outside Dilly's door. + +"Good-night, Dilly," I said. "I admired your pluck." + +"It wasn't me," said Dilly, in a very small voice. + +"Not you?" + +"N-no. I said I would come, because Dicky said I daren't, and at the +last moment I funked it. (Adrian, I simply couldn't!) So Dolly went +instead." + +"Then that was Dolly all the time?" + +"Yes." + +"And she went, just to--to----" + +"To save my face. She's a brick," said Dilly. + +This, by the way, was the first occasion on which I realised the truth +of Robin's dictum that Dilly and Dolly were girls of widely different +character. + +"And didn't the others recognise her?" + +"No. That's the best of it!" + +"Not Dicky?" + +"No." + +"Not even Robin? He is pretty hard to deceive, you know." + +"No, not even Robin. _None_ of them know Good-night!" + +But she was wrong. + + + + +CHAPTER NINE. + +THE POLICY OF THE CLOSED DOOR. + + +Dilly's wedding took place the following summer, just before Parliament +rose, and the resources of our establishment were strained to the +uttermost to give her a fitting send-off. + +It is true that a noble relative, the head of my wife's family, offered +his house for the reception, but Dilly emphatically declined to be +married from any but mine, saying prettily that she would not leave the +roof under which she had lived so happily until the last possible +moment. + +Accordingly we made immense preparations. The drawing-room on the first +floor, accustomed though it was to accommodate congested and +half-stifled throngs of human beings, was deemed too small for the mob +of wedding-guests whom Kitty expected. + +"You see, dear," she explained, "we can squash up _good_ people as much +as we like, because their clothes don't matter; but women in +wedding-frocks will be furious if they don't get enough elbow-room to +show themselves." + +Accordingly a marquee was erected in the garden at the back of the +house, opening into the dining-room through the French windows, and it +was arranged that Dicky and Dilly were to take their stand in the middle +of the same, what time the guests, having lubricated their utterance at +the _buffet_ in the dining-room _en route_, filed past and delivered +their congratulations. After that the company was to overflow into the +garden, there to be moved by a concord of sweet sounds emanating from a +band of assassins in pseudo-Hungarian uniforms. + +"And if it rains," concluded Kitty desperately, "they must have an +overflow meeting in the basement--that's all!" + +My library, as I had feared, was appropriated for the presents, and for +several days I transacted the business of State at the wash-hand-stand +in my dressing-room, while a stream of callers, ranging from the members +of a Working Men's Club in which Dilly was fitfully interested, down to +an organisation of Kitty's whose exact title I can never recall (but +which Dicky, on first seeing them, immediately summed up as "The Hundred +Worst Women"), filed solemnly past rows of filigree coffee-services, +silver-backed hair-brushes, and art pen-wipers. + +Of the bride-elect I saw little, and when I did, she was usually +standing, in a state of considerable _deshabille_, amid a kneeling group +of myrmidons, who, with mouths filled with pins and brows seamed with +anxiety, were remorselessly building her into some edifice of shimmering +silk and filmy lace, oblivious of their victim's plaintive intimations +that she was fit to drop. + +Dicky invited Robin to be his best man, a proceeding which, while it +roused some surprise among those who were expecting him to fix upon a +friend of longer standing and greater distinction, showed his good +sense, for my secretary proved himself a model of organisation and +helpfulness. Although born and reared up in the straitest sect of some +Scottish denomination, about which I am unable to particularise beyond +the fact that they regarded the use of harmoniums in churches as "the +worship of men's feet," he betrayed a surprising knowledge of Anglican +ritual and stage effect. + +On the wedding morning, having left the bridegroom securely tucked up in +bed, under strict orders not to get up till he was called, Robin +personally conducted a select party of those interested--Dolly, Dilly, +another bridesmaid, and myself--to the church, where he showed us the +exact positions of our entrances and exits; and then proceeded, with the +assistance of Dolly, to plant hassocks about the chancel in such a +manner as to leave us no doubts as to the whereabouts of our moorings +(or "stances," as he called them) at the actual ceremony. + +The party was reinforced at this point by the arrival of no less a +person than the bridegroom, who, having risen from his slumbers in +defiance of Robin's injunctions, was now proceeding to infringe the laws +of propriety by coming in search of his beloved four hours before he was +entitled to do so. + +However, as Dilly rather pessimistically pointed out, it was probably +the last time she would ever get a kind word out of him, so we gave them +ten minutes together in the porch, while Robin interviewed vergers and +Dolly intimidated perspiring persons with red carpets and evergreens. + +On our return home Dilly was snatched away by a cloud of attendant +sprites, and we saw her no more until the time came for me to drive her +to the church. We heard of her, though; for as we sat at luncheon, +plying the bridegroom (who had collapsed after the complete and +inevitable fashion of his kind about twelve o'clock) with raw brandy, a +message came down from the upper regions, to the effect that Miss Dilly +would take a couple of veal cutlets and a glass of Burgundy, as she +wasn't going to be a pale bride if she could help it! + +However, this half-hysterical gaiety came to an end in the face of +reality, and in the carriage on the way to church poor Dilly wept +unrestrainedly on my shoulder. I mopped her up to the best of my +ability, but she was still sobbing when we reached the church door, to +find the six bridesmaids, together with Phillis (inordinately proud of +her office of train-bearer), preening themselves in the porch. + +It had been arranged that the organ should break into "The March of the +Priests," from 'Athalie'--Dicky's petition in favour of an +ecclesiastical rendering of "The Eton Boating Song" had been thrown out +with ignominy--as the bridal procession entered the nave. Unfortunately +the organ-loft was out of sight of the west door, by which we were to +enter, and the conveyance of the starting-signal to the proper quarter +at exactly the right moment was a matter of some difficulty. However, +Robin's gift for stage-management was sufficient to meet the emergency. +When all was ready Dolly calmly mounting the steps of the font to an +eminence which commanded a precarious but sufficient view of the body of +the church, briefly fluttered a scrap of lace handkerchief, and then +stepped demurely down into her place at the head of the bridesmaids. +Simultaneously the organ burst into the opening strains of Mendelsohn's +march--I suppose Robin had been waiting at some point of vantage to pass +the signal on--and we advanced up the aisle, amid a general turning of +heads and flutter of excitement. + +The church was packed. In the back pew I remember noticing three young +men with pads of flimsy paper and well-sucked pencils. I distinctly +caught sight of the words "Sacred edifice" in the nearest MS., and I +have no doubt the others contained it as well. + +But Dilly was still quaking on my arm, and the only other spectacle +which attracted my attention on the way up the aisle was that of my wife +(looking very like a bride herself, I thought), sitting in a front pew +with Master Gerald, that infant phenomenon shining resplendently in a +white waistcoat and a "buttonhole" which almost entirely obscured his +features. Then I caught sight of Robin's towering shoulders and the pale +face and glassy eye of the bridegroom, and I knew that we had brought +our horses to the water at last, and all that now remained to do was to +make them drink. + +The rest of the ceremony passed off with due impressiveness, if we +except a slight _contretemps_ arising from the behaviour of my daughter, +who, suddenly remembering that the junior bridesmaid but one had not yet +passed any opinion on her new shoes, suddenly sat down on the bride's +train, and, thrusting the shoes into unmaidenly prominence, audibly +invited that giggling damsel's approbation of the same. However, the +ever-ready organ drowned her utterance with a timely Amen, and Dicky and +Dilly completed the plighting of their troth with becoming shyness but +obvious sincerity. + +Then came the inevitable orgy of osculation in the vestry, from which I +escaped with nothing worse, so to speak, than a few scratches, despite +an unprovoked and unexpected flank attack (when I was signing the +register) from an elderly female in bugles, whom I at first took to be a +rather giddy pew-opener, but who ultimately proved to be a maiden aunt +of the bridegroom's. + +After Dicky and Dilly--the latter miraculously restored to high spirits +and looking radiant--had passed smiling and blushing down the aisle, to +be received outside with breathless stares by a large assemblage of that +peculiar class of people--chiefly females of a certain age--who seem to +spend their lives in attending the weddings of total strangers, we all +got home, where there was much champagne, and cake-cutting, and +bride-kissing, and melody from the aforementioned musicians in the +garden. + +The presents--guarded with an air of studied aloofness by a +wooden-jointed detective, clad in garments of such festal splendour as +to delude several short-sighted old gentlemen into an impression that he +was the bridegroom--played their usual invaluable part in promoting +circulation among the guests, and supplying a topic for conversation. +They certainly sparkled and glittered bravely in the library, where the +blinds were drawn and the electric lamps turned on. (Kitty had seen to +that. Silver looks so well by artificial light, and so, by a happy and +unpremeditated coincidence, does the female sex.) + +The bride and bridegroom departed at last, amid a shower of rice, with +that emblem of conjugal felicity, the satin slipper, firmly adhering to +the back of the brougham. (Master Gerald had seen to _that_.) Then the +guests began to make their adieux and melt away, and presently we found +ourselves alone in the marquee, a prey to that swift and penetrating +melancholy that descends upon those who begin to be festive too early in +the day, and find themselves unable to keep it up till bed-time. + + * * * * * + +However, there was a recrudescence of activity and brightness in the +evening, as the idea of a small dance had been proposed and carried, and +the invitations issued and accepted, during the five minutes which +witnessed the departure of the more intimate section of the guests. + +When I returned from the House about midnight--I had gone there chiefly +to dine, as lobster claws and melted ices appeared to be the only fare +in prospect at home--tired to death, and conscious of an incipient cold +in the head, arising from forced residence in a house in which hardly a +door had been on its hinges for three days, I became aware that I was +once again the lessee of a cave of harmony. + +The pseudo-Hungarian assassins were pounding out the latest waltz, with +a disregard for time and tune which I at first attributed to champagne, +but which a closer survey proved to be due to the fact that the band was +being conducted, surprising as it may seem, by my brother-in-law, who +had kindly undertaken to wield the _baton_, while the Chief Tormentor +(or whatever his proper title may have been) charged himself anew at the +refreshment counter. A popping of corks in the supper-room apprised me +of the fact that my guests were doing their best, at my expense, to make +the Excise Returns a more cheerful feature of next year's Budget. + +I went upstairs in search of a white waistcoat and one or two other +necessary contributions to the festivity of the evening, picking my way +with the utmost care among the greatly-engrossed couples who impeded +every step; and finally arrived at my dressing-room, to find that that +hallowed apartment had been turned into a ladies' cloak-room, and that +every available article of furniture stood elbow-deep under some +attractive combination of furs and feathers. + +I unearthed the things I required, but lacked the courage to stay and +put them on. At any moment I might be invaded by a damsel who had met +with some mishap in the heat of the fray, and was now desirous, as they +say in the navy, of "executing repairs while under steam." I accordingly +left the room and mounted towards the top of the house. I had in my +mind's eye a snug little apartment, situated somewhere in the attics, +devoted chiefly to dressmaking operations, where I knew there was a +mirror, and I might complete my toilet in peace. + +With becoming modesty I penetrated to this haven by the back-stairs. I +had just reached the top, which was opposite the door in question, when +I heard voices. Evidently some one was coming up to this same landing by +the front stair. + +A man does not look his best when found creeping up his own back-stairs +with a white waistcoat in one hand and a pair of pumps in the other, and +I confess I retreated downwards and backwards a couple of paces. The +stair on which I stood was unlighted, and I had a good view of the +landing. + +The voices came nearer, and I could now hear the rustling of silks and +laces. Presently I recognised the voices, and immediately after this +their owners came into view, with their backs almost towards me. + +"This is the room I mean," said the man, indicating my goal. + +"That! All right! Only I don't see why you should drag me all the way up +here," said the girl. "There are much nicer sitting-out places +downstairs. Still, anything for a rest. Come on!" + +She entered the room, followed by her partner. I saw his broad back for +a moment as it filled the doorway. Then he turned in my direction with +his hand on the handle, and it seemed to me that he hesitated a moment. + +Finally he shut the door firmly, and--I distinctly heard the key turned +in the lock. + +I went downstairs again. + + * * * * * + +It was four o'clock in the morning. The last guest had gone, the +domestics had retired to their subterranean retreat, and the musicians +had all been booked through to Saffron Hill in one cab. + +The dawn was just breaking over the house-tops on the other side of the +square, and the sky was bathed in a curious heather-coloured light--a +sure sign of a wet day to come, said hill-bred Robin. We stood out on +the steps,--Kitty, Dolly, Robin, and I,--and Kitty put her arm round her +sister's waist. I knew she was thinking of the absent Dilly. + +Behind us, in the hall, Master Gerald, completely surfeited with about +sixteen crowded hours of glorious life, lay fast asleep on a settee. + +I looked curiously at Dolly as she leaned on her sister's shoulder. She +was half a head taller than Kitty, and as she stood there, rosily +flushed, in the dawn of her splendid womanhood, she might have stood for +the very goddess whose first rays were now falling on her upturned face +and glinting hair. + +Then I looked at Robin, towering beside her, and suddenly I felt a +little ashamed of myself. + +For to tell the truth I had been very unhappy that evening, and I had +been looking forward in a few minutes' time to unburdening myself to +Kitty about recent events. But as I surveyed Dolly and Robin, curiously +alike in their upright carriage and steady gaze, I suddenly realised +that such a pair could safely be trusted to steer their own course; and +I decided there and then not to communicate even to Kitty--my wife and +Dolly's sister--the knowledge of what I had seen that night. + +Kitty turned impulsively to her sister. + +"After all, I've still got _you_, Dolly," she said. + +I took a furtive glance at Robin's inscrutable countenance. + +"I--_wonder_!" I said to myself. + +"What, dear?" said Kitty. + +"Nothing. I must carry this young ruffian up to bed, I suppose." + +Curiosity has been most unfairly ear-marked as the exclusive monopoly of +the female sex. But as I stumbled upstairs that night, bearing in my +arms the limp but stertorous carcase of my esteemed relative by +marriage, I could not help wondering (despite my efforts to put away +from me a matter which I had decided was not my business) exactly what +Robin _had_ said to Dolly behind that locked door. + + + + +CHAPTER TEN. + +ROBIN'S WAY OF DOING IT. + + +What happened when Robin locked the door on himself and Dolly is now set +down here. Strictly speaking it ought to come later, but there is no +need to make a mystery about it. I have taken the account of the +proceedings mainly from the letter which Dolly wrote to Dilly three days +later. + +It would be useless to reproduce that document in full. In the first +place, it contains a good deal that is not only irrelevant but +absolutely incomprehensible. There is one mysterious passage, for +instance, occurring right in the middle of the letter, beginning, _To +turn the heel, knit to three beyond the seam-stitch, knit two together, +purl one, turn: then knit ten, knit two together, knit one, purl one_ +... introduced by an airy, "By the way, dear, before I forget"----which +appears to have no bearing on the context whatever. + +In the second place, Dolly's literary style is as breathlessly devoid of +punctuation as that of most of her sex. Commas and notes of +interrogation form her chief stock-in-trade, though underlining is +freely employed. There is not a single full-stop from start to finish. +The extracts from the letter here reproduced have been edited by me. +Other details of the incident have been tactfully extracted by Kitty and +myself--chiefly Kitty, I must confess--from the principals themselves, +and the whole is now offered to the public, unabridged, with marginal +comments, for the first time. + + * * * * * + +On entering the little room on the landing Dolly dropped on to a shabby +but comfortable old sofa behind the door, and said, with a contented +sigh-- + +"I'm so tired, Robin. Aren't you? Let's sit down and not talk till it's +time to go downstairs again. It's--Robin, what _are_ you doing?" + +Robin was locking the door. + +That operation completed, he turned and looked round the little room. +There was an arm-chair in the corner, but he came and sat down on the +sofa beside Dolly. Dolly gazed at him dumbly. + + * * * * * + + "He looked so utterly grim and determined" [says the letter], "that my + heart began to bump in a perfectly fatuous way. I felt like a woman + who is going to be murdered in a railway tunnel. + + "He sat down, and one of his huge hands was suddenly stretched towards + me, and I thought at first he was trying to grab one of mine. I did my + best to edge away along the sofa, but I was up against the end + already. + + "Then his hand opened, and something dropped into my lap. It was the + key of the door. + + "'I have locked it,' he said, 'not with any intention of keeping you + in, but in the hope of keeping other people out. You are perfectly + free to get up and go whenever you please, if you don't wish to listen + to what I have to say.' + + "Well, dear, I suppose I ought to have risen to my full height, and, + with a few superb gestures of haughty contempt, have swept + majestically from the room. But--I didn't! I saw I was in for another + proposal, and as the man couldn't eat me I decided to let him do his + worst. + + "It was a weird proposal, though." [_Spelt 'wierd.'_] "It wasn't + exactly what he said, because one is never surprised at anything a + man may say when he is proposing; but the way he said it. All men + say pretty much the same thing in the end, but most of them are so + _horribly_ nervous that they simply don't know what they're talking + about for the first five minutes or so. (Do you remember poor little + Algy Brock? He was nearly _crying_ all the time. At least he was + with me, and I suppose he was with you too.) But Robin might have + been having a chat with his solicitor the way he behaved. I'll tell + you..." + +Robin apparently began by telling Dolly, quite simply and plainly, that +he loved her. Then he gave a brief outline of the history of his +affection. It had begun at the very beginning of things, he said, almost +as soon as he discovered that he could distinguish Dolly from Dilly +without the aid of the brown spot. "And that was after I had been in the +house just three days," he added. + +For some time, it appeared, he had been content to be pleasantly in +love. He enjoyed Dolly's society when it came his way, but with native +caution he had taken care to avoid seeking too much of it in case he +should gradually find himself unable to do without it. + +"I saw from the first," he said, "that you were entirely unconscious of +my feelings towards you; and I would not have had it otherwise. If I was +to succeed at all it must be as an acquired taste; and acquired tastes, +as you know, are best formed unconsciously." + +Dolly nodded to show her detached appreciation of the soundness of this +point. + +"I permitted myself one indulgence," Robin continued. "I dedicated a +book to you." + +"O-oh!" said Dolly, genuinely interested. "Was that me? Dilly and I +thought it must be a girl in Scotland." + +Then she realised that this was a step down from her pedestal of +aloofness, and was silent again. Robin went on-- + +"Yes, it was you. It was a sentimental thing to do, but it afforded me +immense pleasure. Love lives more on the homage it pays than that which +it receives. Have you noticed that?" + +"I have never thought about it," said Dolly distantly. + +"I thought not," replied Robin; "because it shows, what I have always +been tolerably certain of, that you have never been in love. However, to +resume." [_"Like a lecture on Greek Roots, or something equally fusty,"_ +observes Dolly at this point.] "The time came, as it was bound to come, +when I realised that I must tell you I loved you"---- + + "I rather like the way he always said _'love'_ straight out," comments + Dolly: "most men are so frightened of it. They say 'am fond of' or + 'care for' or something feeble like that. All except the curate with + pink eyes. (You remember him? Dora Claverton took him afterwards on + the rebound.) He said 'esteem highly' I think." + +----"or leave this house altogether. But before doing that I had to +decide two things: firstly, whether I was good enough for you, and +secondly, if not now, whether I ever should be." + +Dolly's half-closed eyes opened a trifle wider. This was certainly a +methodically-minded young man. + +"It was difficult to decide the first question in practice," continued +Robin. "In theory, of course, any man who is a _man_--honest, clean, and +kind--is a fitting mate for any woman. Don't you think so?" + +"No," said Dolly. + +"I see," said Robin gently. "The theoretical is mainly the man's point +of view: woman looks straight to practical results. She is rather +inclined to take the virtues I have mentioned for granted, or do without +them; and she founds her opinion of a man almost solely upon his +capacity for boring her or stimulating her. In other words, she is +guided by her instinct. Isn't she?" + +"Is she?" said Dolly, determined this time to maintain her attitude of +indifference. + +"I think so," said Robin. "However, knowing how impossible it is for one +sex to look at a matter from the point of view of another, I decided to +stick to my own methods. So I made a summary of my points, good and bad. +They are these: I am strong and healthy; I possess an appetite for hard +work; I was born with brains; I have considerable capacity for +organisation----" + +"Some people have a good conceit of themselves!" said Dolly. + +"_Every_ one should have," replied Robin with conviction. "And," he +added, "most of us have. _I_ have--_you_ have!" + +"Oh!" said Dolly indignantly. + +"But a man may have a good conceit of himself," Robin continued +soothingly, "without being what the world calls conceited. Modesty +consists not in taking a low estimate of one's own worth, but in +refraining from the expectation that the world will take a high one." + +Dolly nodded gravely. + +"I see," she said. "I didn't know you meant that. Yes, there is +something in what you say." + +"I thank you," said Robin. "It is very helpful to me to get this +courteous hearing from you; for to tell you the truth," he added rather +explosively, "I find it a very, very great effort to speak to you like +this at all. You see, I am talking of things that go right to the centre +of the human heart--things that a man never speaks of to a man, and only +once to a woman. It has to be done, but it is hard, hard!" + +He drew a long breath, in a manner which made the sofa tremble; and +Dolly suddenly realised the height and depth of the barrier of reserve +and pride that this grave and undemonstrative man had had to break down +before he could offer her the view of his inmost soul to which he +considered that she was entitled. She felt a sudden pang of awe, mingled +with compassionate sympathy. She was not given to wearing her heart on +her sleeve herself. + +"Well," continued Robin, evidently relieved by this little confession, +"those are my assets. On the other hand, I have no money, no position--I +will not say no birth, for I come of good, honest stock--and my +prospects are at present in the clouds. But to one type of wife all that +would not matter a scrap. There are two types, you know--two types of +_good_ wife, that is." + + "I would have given worlds," says Dolly here, "just to have said 'Oh!' + or something; but for the life of me I couldn't help asking what the + two types were." + +"The first," said Robin, "is the wife who loves her husband because she +is proud of him, because he is successful and powerful, and people +admire him; and not because she has any conception of or sympathy with +the qualities which have made him what he is. To such a one the husband +must come with his reputation ready made, and they will enjoy it +together. The other type loves her husband because she sees through him, +yet believes in him and sympathises with his aims, and intends to make a +success of him. And she usually does." + +"And which am I?" inquired Dolly. + +"The latter, undoubtedly--the higher type. And therefore, if there had +been nothing else in the way, I think I should have given myself the +benefit of the doubt. But----" + + "He turned and looked at me here," writes Dolly, and said-- + + "'But your feminine instinct is chafing against all this laborious + weighing of pros and cons. In your own mind you summed up the + situation ten minutes ago. I am--"impossible." Isn't that it?' + + "My _dear_, I nearly _screamed_, for of course that is just what was + in my mind. But I couldn't very well say so, so I just sat there and + looked rather idiotic and he went on-- + + "'In other words, I am not quite a gentleman.' + + "Then I said quite suddenly-- + + "'Robin, whatever else you may be, you _are_ a gentleman.' + + "He got quite pink. 'Thank you,' he said. 'But for all that, I am too + rough a suitor for such a polished little aristocrat as yourself.' + (Rather cheek, that! After all, Dilly, we're five feet seven.) 'We + live in an artificial sort of world; and a man, in order not to jar on + those around him, requires certain social accomplishments. I have + few--at present. You have taught me a great deal, but I should still + rather discredit you as a husband. My want of polish would 'affront' + you, as we say in Scotland. I am a better beater than shot; I can + break a horse better than I can ride it; and I dance a reel better + than I waltz. I have strength, but no grace; ability, but no + distinction. Of course, if you and I really loved each other--you + being of Type Two--none of these things would matter. But for all + that, it would hurt you to see people smiling at your husband's little + _gaucheries_, wouldn't it?' + + "I didn't answer, and he got up and went and leaned against the + mantelpiece. + + "'Listen,' he said, 'and I will tell you what I have decided to do. I + have made up my mind not to have a try for you--badly though I want + it--till I consider that I have reached your standard. I fixed that + standard myself, so it is a very, very high one, I have been schooling + myself and shaping myself to attain it ever since I met you. But I + have not quite reached it yet, and therefore I have nothing to ask of + you now.'" + +"Then what on earth have you brought me here for?" inquired Dolly, +feeling vaguely aggrieved. + +Robin surveyed her rather wistfully, and then smiled in a disarming +fashion. + +"That was weakness," he said, "sheer weakness. But I think it was +pardonable. I saw, now that your sister was married, that the days of +your old irresponsible flirtations were over, and that you would +henceforth regard proposals of marriage as much more serious things than +hitherto. Consequently you might marry any day, without ever knowing +that a little later on you would have received an offer from me. I have +brought you here, then, to tell you that I am a prospective candidate, +but that I do not feel qualified to put down my name at present. Ideally +speaking, I ought to have kept silence until the moment when I +considered that I was ready for you; but--well, there are limits to +self-repression, and I have allowed myself this one little outbreak. All +I ask, then, is that in considering other offers you will bear somewhere +in the back of your mind the remembrance that you will, if you desire +it, one day have the refusal of me. I admit that the possibility of your +being influenced by the recollection is very remote, but I am going to +leave nothing undone that _can_ be done to get you." + + "By this time," Dolly continues elegantly, "I was getting considerably + flummoxed. The whole business was very absurd and uncomfortable, but I + couldn't help feeling rather complimented at the way he evidently + regarded me--as a sort of little tin goddess on a pedestal out of + reach, being asked to be so good as to stand still a moment while + Robin went to hunt for the steps--and I also felt a little bit afraid + of him. He was so quiet and determined over it all. He seemed to have + it all mapped out in a kind of time-table inside him. However, I + pulled myself together and decided to contribute my share to the + conversation. I hadn't had much of a look in, so far. + + "So I settled down to talk to him like a mother. I began by saying + that I was very much obliged and honoured, and all that, but that he + had better put the idea out of his head once and for all. I liked him + very much, and had always regarded him as a great friend, quite one of + the family--you know the sort of stuff--but---- + + "It was no good. He held up his hand like a policeman at a crossing, + and said-- + + "'Please say nothing. I have asked you no question of any kind, so no + answer is required. All that I have said to-night has been in the + nature of an _intimation_.' (O-h! how like church!) + + "Then he sat down on the sofa beside me, very gently, and said-- + + "'The intimation in brief is this. I love you; and some day, please + God, I shall ask you to marry me. But not until I feel that you would + lose nothing by doing so.' + + "We both sat very still for a few minutes after that. I fancy we were + both doing a little thinking. My chief reflection was that Robin had + had rather the better of the interview, because he had made me listen + to him when I was determined not to. Suddenly Robin said-- + + "'Now that the business part of this conversation is over, I am going + to allow myself a luxury. I have been talking most of the time about + myself. For just five minutes I shall talk about you. I will tell you + what I think of you.' + + "He looked at his watch and began. Dilly, I had no idea I had so many + good points! He put them better than any man has ever done before. But + then the other men were always so jumbled up, and this creature was as + cool and collected as if he were reading a Stores Catalogue. + + "But he let himself go at last. It was my fault, though. I was in + rather a twitter by this time, for although the whole thing was simply + absurd--of course one couldn't marry a wild untamed creature like + that, _could_ one, Dilly?--I couldn't help seeing what a man he was, + and feeling sorry that things couldn't have been a bit different, if + only for his sake. So I gave him my hand" [I can see her do it] "and + said: 'Poor old Robin!' + + "He _seized_ it--my child, it has waggled like a blanc-mange ever + since!--and kissed it. Then, quite suddenly, he broke out into a sort + of rhapsody-like _'The Song of Solomon,'_ only nicer--with his head + bowed over my hands. (He had got hold of the other one too, by this + time.) I felt perfectly helpless, so I let him run on. I shan't tell + you what he said, dear, because it wouldn't be cricket. Anyhow, a + perfectly idiotic tear suddenly rolled down my nose--after all, I had + had a _fearfully_ long day--and I tried to pull my hands away. Robin + let them go at once. + + "'You are right. The time for such things is not yet,' he said, in a + queer Biblical sort of way. 'It was a sudden weakness on my part. I + had not meant it, you may be sure.' + + "The only thing I _am_ sure about," I said, feeling thoroughly vexed + about the tear, "is that we have been in this room nearly an hour. + Please unlock the door. + + "Then we went downstairs." + +After that follow one or two postscripts of a reflective nature, the +general trend of which seems to indicate that Robin is rather a dear, +but quite impossible. + + * * * * * + +"A flippant and unfeeling letter," you say, sir? Perhaps. But there is +often no reserve so deep or so delicate as that which is veiled by a +frivolous exterior and a mocking attitude towards sentiment in general. +Some sensitive people are so afraid of having their hearts dragged to +light that, to escape inquisition, they pretend they do not possess any. +Moreover, I know Dolly well enough to be certain that she was not quite +so brutally unkind to Robin during this interview as she would have us +believe. + +"The blundering creature! He went about it in _quite_ the wrong way," +you say, madam? Very likely. But if a woman only took a man when he went +about it in exactly the right way, how very few marriages there would +be! + + + + +BOOK TWO. + +THE FINISHED ARTICLE + + + + +CHAPTER ELEVEN. + +A MISFIRE. + +I. + + +There is an undefinable character and distinctiveness about Sunday +morning which is not possessed by any other day of the week. + +Not that the remaining six are lacking in individuality. Monday is a +depressed and reluctant individual; Tuesday is a full-blooded and +energetic citizen; Wednesday a cheerful and contented gentleman who does +not intend to overwork himself to-day,--this is probably due to the fact +that we used to have a half-holiday on Wednesdays at school; and when I +got into Parliament I found that the same rule held there; Thursday I +regard as one who ploughs steadily on his way, lacking enthusiasm but +comfortably conscious of a second wind; Friday is a debilitated but +hopeful toiler, whose sole joy in his work lies in anticipating its +speedy conclusion; and Saturday is a radiant fellow with a straw hat and +a week-end bag. + +Still, one week-day is very like another at waking time. My mental +vision, never pellucid, is in its most opaque condition in the early +grey of the morning; and at Oxford, I remember, I found it necessary to +instruct my scout to rouse me from slumber in some such fashion as this: +"Eight o'clock on Thursday mornin', sir!" (as if I had slept since +Monday at least), or "'Alf-past nine, slight rain, and a Toosday, sir!" + +However, no one was ever yet needed to inform me that it was Sunday +morning. This is perhaps natural enough in town, where the silence of +the streets and the sound of bells proclaim the day; but why the same +phenomenon should occur in the middle of a Highland moor, where every +day is one glorious open-air Sabbath, passes my comprehension. + +I discussed the problem after breakfast as I sat and smoked my pipe in +the heathery garden of Strathmyrtle, a shooting-lodge at which we were +being hospitably entertained by Kitty's uncle, Sir John Rubislaw, a +retired Admiral of the Fleet, whose forty years' official connection +with Britannia's realm betrayed itself in a nautical roll, syncopated by +gout, and what I may describe as a hurricane-deck voice. My three +companions in the debate were my host, Master Gerald, and another guest +in the house, one Dermott, an officer in a Highland regiment. + +The Admiral ascribed my Sabbath intuition to the working of some inward +and automatic monitor; while Dermott, among whose many sterling +qualities delicate fancy was not included, put it down to the smell of +some special dish indigenous to Sunday breakfast. My brother-in-law's +contribution to the debate was an unseemly and irreverent parallel +between Saturday night potations and Sunday morning "heads." + +To us entered Dolly and Phillis. + +Our hostess, together with Kitty and the other girl of the party--an +American young lady of considerable personal attractions--had driven off +to church in what is locally called a "machine." The duties of escort +had been voluntarily undertaken by an undergraduate named Standish, who +was the latest recruit to the American young lady's army of worshippers. +The rest of us had stayed at home--the Admiral because he not +infrequently did so; I because I was expecting Robin back by the +"machine" (which was to pick him up at a wayside station, where he had +been sitting on his portmanteau ever since six o'clock that morning, +having been dropped there by the night mail from London), and was +anticipating two or three hours' solid work with him; Gerald because he +had succeeded in evading his eldest sister's eye during the search for +church recruits; Dolly to look after Phillis; and Captain Dermott for +reasons not unconnected with Dolly. + +It was Phillis's birthday, but out of consideration for Scottish views +on Sabbath observance the festivities in connection with that +anniversary had been postponed until the morrow. However, this did not +prevent my daughter from demanding (and obtaining) various special +privileges of an unofficial character this hot Sunday morning. +Consequently a spiritually willing but carnally incompetent band, +consisting of one jovial but arthritic baronet, one docile but +self-conscious warrior, one indulgent but overheated parent, and +Dolly--Gerald stood scornfully aloof--were compelled to devote the next +two hours to a series of games, stage-plays, and allegories of an +innocuous but exhausting description. + +We began by joining hands and walking in a circle, solemnly chanting a +ditty of the "I-saw-a-ship-a-sailing" variety, which culminated in the +following verse-- + + "Then three times round went that gallant ship, + Then three times round went she; + Then three times round went that gallant ship-- + +(Here we were commanded by the mistress of the revels, in a hoarse and +hurried stage whisper, to be ready to fall down) + + --And sank to the bottom--of--the--sea!" + +"Now all fall down!" screamed Phillis. + +We did so, and lay on the grass in serried heaps. The remark which the +Admiral made when my left elbow descended upon his goutiest foot was +fortunately obscured by the fact that his face was inside his hat at the +moment. + +After that we performed the "most lamentable comedy" of "The Three +Bears." Phillis assigned the parts, reserving for herself the _role_ of +Curly Locks and Stage Manager. Dolly was cast for Mother Bear, Captain +Dermott for Father Bear, and I for Baby Bear. The Admiral, at his own +urgent request, was allotted the comparatively unimportant part of Baby +Bear's bed, and sat nursing his foot and observing with keen relish the +preparations of the Bear family for their morning walk. We set out at +last, all three on our hands and knees, Dolly and Dermott crawling +amicably side by side, heroically regardless of white skirt and Sunday +sporran; I, as befitted my youth and station, bringing up the rear. + +The Bears having vacated their domicile (the grass plot), Curly Locks, +after much furtive peeping round bushes, entered and advanced to the +rustic table, where she proceeded to test the contents of the various +porridge-bowls (represented by two tobacco-pouches and an ash-tray +respectively). + +"Too hot!" she said, after sampling the first bowl. + +"Too cold!" she continued, trying the next. + +"A-a-ah!" she cried, coming to the third; and swallowed its contents +(some heather-tops) with every appearance of enjoyment. + +After that came the inspection of the beds (two sofa-cushions and the +Admiral), and finally Curly Locks retired to rest on her grand-uncle's +knee. + +Then the Three Bears came painfully back from the shrubbery, and Curly +Locks' acts of spoliation were revealed one by one. My assumption of +grief on the discovery of my empty porridge-bowl was so realistic that +the Stage Manager sat up in bed and commended me for it. Finally we went +the round of the furniture; Curly Locks was duly discovered; and I was +engaged in a life-and-death struggle for her shrieking person with the +bed itself, when there was a crunching of gravel, and the "machine" +drove up with Robin inside it. + +After my secretary had greeted those of us whom he knew, and been +interrupted in the middle of a rapturous embrace from Phillis to be +introduced to those whom he did not, I took him off indoors for a meal, +through the breakfast-room window, and opened the portfolio of +correspondence which he had brought me from London. + +"Hallo! Here is a letter for Dermott," I said. "I'll take it to him." + +I stepped through the window and handed the letter to Dermott, who was +falling into line for a fresh game just outside. + +"That envelope looks terribly official," said Dolly. "What does it all +mean?" + +"I expect it means Aldershot," said Dermott ruefully. "However, I shan't +open it till lunch-time." And he stuffed the offending epistle into his +pocket, and returned to the game in hand with a zest and abandon that +betrayed ulterior motives in every antic. + +We had seen a good deal of Captain Dermott that summer. Somehow he had +been in nearly every house we had visited; and his laborious expressions +of pleased surprise at meeting us there had now given way to specious +and transparent explanations of his own presence. The experts at +countless tea-tables and shooting-lunches were practically unanimous in +the opinion that Dolly could land her fish when she chose now; and as +the fish was a good fellow, and could offer her three thousand a-year +and the reflected glory of a D.S.O., it was generally conceded that my +youngest sister-in-law--have I ever mentioned that Dolly was the junior +Twin?--was about to do extremely well for herself. + +I sat by Robin as he consumed his breakfast, and waded through my +correspondence. There was a good deal to sign and a good deal to digest, +and a good deal that was of no importance whatsoever. But the _clou_ of +the whole budget was contained in a private letter from my Chief. I read +it. + +"My word, Robin!" I said. "There's to be a Dissolution in January." + +There was no answer, and I looked up. + +Robin was not listening. His attention had wandered to the game in +progress on the lawn. This was one of Phillis' most cherished pastimes, +and was called "Beckoning." The players, except the person who for the +time being filled the _role_ of "It," stood patiently in a row, until +"It," after mature consideration, beckoned invitingly to one of them to +approach. This invitation might or might not be a genuine one, for +sometimes the player on responding was received by the beckoner with +hisses and other symptoms of distaste, and fell back ignominiously on +the main body. But if you were the _real_ object of the beckoner's +affections, you were greeted with embraces and a cry of "I choose you!" +and succeeded to the proud post of "It." + +It was a simple but embarrassing game, calling for the exercise of +considerable tact when played by adults. At the present moment Phillis +was beckoner, while Dolly, Dermott, and the Admiral stood meekly in line +awaiting selection. Dolly and the Admiral were each called without being +chosen, and Phillis's final selection proved to be Dermott, who, having +received an enthusiastic salute from the retiring president, now stood +sheepishly on one leg surveying the expectant trio before him. + +He began by beckoning to his host; and, having relieved that gentleman's +apprehensions by sibilant noises, waggled a nervous finger at Dolly. +Dolly advanced obediently. + +"Choose her, if you like," said Phillis magnanimously. + +Dermott's martial eye kindled, but he made no sign, and the game +faltered in its stride for a moment. + +"Say," interpolated the prompter, "'I choose you!' and then k----" + +But Dermott, hastily emitting a hiss which must have cost him a +heartrending effort, relegated the greatly relieved Dolly to the ranks, +and smoothed over the situation by "choosing" my daughter, to that young +person's undisguised gratification. + +It was at this phase in the proceedings that Robin's attention began to +wander from the affairs of State, and I had to repeat my news of the +impending Dissolution to him twice before he grasped its full +significance. Even then he displayed about one-tenth of the excitement I +should have expected of him; and finally he admitted that he was +somewhat _derange_ after his night journey, and suggested a postponement +of business in favour of a little recreation on the lawn. + +We accordingly added ourselves to the party, just in time to join the +cast of Phillis' next production. This was an ambitious but complicated +drama of an allegorical type, in which Robin appeared--not for the first +time, evidently--as a boy called Henry, and Phillis doubled the parts of +Henry's mother and a fairy. These two _roles_ absorbed practically the +whole of what is professionally known as "the fat" of the piece, and the +other members of the company were relegated--to their ill-disguised +relief--to parts of purely nominal importance. + +The curtain rose (if I may use the expression) upon Henry's humble home, +where Henry was discovered partaking of breakfast (fir-cones). He +complained bitterly to his mother of the hardship of _(a)_ early rising, +_(b)_ going to school, and _(c)_ enduring chastisement when he got +there. The next scene revealed him in class, where the schoolmaster +(Dolly, assiduously prompted by Phillis) asked him a series of +questions, which he answered so incorrectly as to incur the extreme +penalty of "the muckle tawse." (Here what textual critics term "internal +evidence of a later hand" peeped out unmistakably.) The punishment +having been duly inflicted by Dolly with a rug-strap, Henry retired, +suffused with tears, to "a mountain-top," where he gave vent to a series +of bitter reflections on the hardness of his lot and the hollowness of +life in general. + +He must have "gagged" unduly here, for presently he was cut short by a +stern admonition to "wish for a fairy." + +"I wish for a fairy," said Henry dutifully. + +Phillis, given her cue at last, pirouetted before him with outstretched +skirts. + +"Go on!" she whispered excitedly. "Say, 'I wish that all Pain was +Pleasure and all Pleasure Pain.'" + +"Oh, sorry!" said Henry. "I wish that all Pain was Pleasure and Pleasure +Pain." + +"Have then thy wish!" announced the fairy solemnly, and fluttered away. + +The drama thereafter pursued a remorselessly logical and improving +course. Having got his wish, the luckless Henry found that his only +moments of pleasure were those during which he was enduring the tawse, +getting out of bed on a cold morning, or doing something equally +unpleasant. On the other hand, his comfortable bed had become so painful +that he could only obtain rest by filling it with stones; and his +matutinal porridge was only made palatable by the addition of a handful +of gravel. + +After a fruitless interview with the family physician (Captain Dermott), +in which the patient's mother set forth her offspring's symptoms with +embarrassing frankness, Henry was compelled, as a last resort, to pay +one more visit to the mountain-top. The indulgent fairy kindly agreed to +put things right, but only under penalty of an improving homily on +contentment with one's lot and the fatuity of asking for what you do not +really want. This was only half finished when the party returned from +church, and Phillis, realising that the absolute despotism of the last +few hours would now be watered down by an unsentimental mother into a +limited monarchy at the best, retired within her shell and declared the +revels at an end. + + + +II. + + +"What was the church like?" I inquired at lunch. + +"I have witnessed more snappy entertainments," remarked Miss Buncle, the +American girl, through her pretty nose. "Still, we smiled some. Mr +Standish here got quite delirious when the minister prayed for 'the +adjacent country of England, which, as Thou knowest, O Lord, lies some +twa hundred miles to the sooth of us,'--I'm sorry I can't talk Scotch, +Mr Fordyce,--as if he was afraid that Providence might mail the blessing +to the wrong address and Iceland would get it." + +Kitty broke in upon Miss Buncle's reminiscences. + +"Who do you think we saw in church?" she said. "I nearly forgot to tell +you. Your uncle, Robin--Sir James Fordyce!" + +Robin nodded his head in a confirmatory way. + +"He is often up here at this time of year," he said. + +"He has friends here, perhaps?" said I. + +"Oh yes; he has friends." + +I could tell from Robin's voice that he was nursing some immense joke, +but he betrayed no inclination to share it with us. Kitty went on. + +"He was sitting in a pew with some farmery-looking people. There was a +patriarchal old man, very stately and imposing, rather like--like----" + +"Moses?" I suggested. + +"No. I don't _think_ Moses was like that." + +I had got as far as 'Aar'--when Lady Rubislaw said-- + +"Elijah?" + +"That's it," replied Kitty. "_Just_ like Elijah." (All things +considered, I cannot imagine why Moses would not have done as well.) +"Then beside him was a perfectly dear old lady. Not so very old either; +say sixty. Of course they may not have belonged to Sir James at all: he +may just have been put in their pew. Still, they kept handing him +Bibles, and looking up places for him at singing time." + +"That means nothing," said I. "It's the merest courtesy here." + +"True," said our hostess. "I was having a most lovely little doze during +the Second Lesson, or whatever they call it, when a most officious young +woman three or four pews away took up an enormous Bible, found the +place, squeaked down the aisle, and thrust it under my nose. I had to +hold it up for fifty-seven verses," she concluded pathetically. + +"Did you go and speak to Sir James after the service?" I inquired. + +"No. That was _this_ child's fault," said Kitty, indicating Miss Buncle. + +"How?" + +"Well, there was a rather gorgeous-looking chieftain sort of person +sitting in a front pew, and I saw Maimie twisting her head all during +the service to look at him." + +"Yes," admitted the culprit frankly. "Put me in the neighbourhood of a +kilt, and I'm a common rubberneck straight away, Mr Inglethwaite. I'm +just mad to know all those cunning tartans by heart." + +"The moment the service was over," continued my wife severely, "I saw +her edging through the crowd in the churchyard towards the chieftain. +For a moment I thought she was going to ask him his name." + +"I _wasn't_!" declared Miss Buncle indignantly. + +"No, you did worse. She got close to the unfortunate man," continued my +wife to us, "and suddenly I noticed that she had in her hand one of +those little books you buy at railway book-stalls in the Highlands, with +patterns of all the tartans in them and the name of the clan underneath. +By the time I got up to her she had found the right tartan in the book, +and was matching it up against the back of the poor unconscious +creature's kilt. Then she turned to me in a triumphant sort of way and +simply _bellowed_--'M'Farlane!'" + +"We shall probably be hauled up before the Kirk-session," said the +Admiral. "But I wonder who Sir James Fordyce's friends can be. I know +most of the people who have shootings about here, but none of them are +friends of his that I can think of. We must get him to come and shoot +here one day. Rather late for to-morrow's drive, but there will be +another on Thursday. I wonder who his host is, though?" + +"I might help you," said Robin. "An old man, you said, with his wife?" + +"Yes--oldish," said Kitty. + +"Was there a son with them?" + +"N-no." + +"No? Well, he would be away at the lamb-sales, perhaps," said Robin +reflectively. "Was there a daughter?" + +"Now you mention it," said Kitty, "there was. A nice, bonny-looking +girl. Twenty-four, I should say." + +"Twenty-three," said Robin. + +We all turned on him. + +"Now then, what is all the mystery? Out with it! Who is the girl--eh?" + +"She would be my sister," said Robin calmly. "And the others were my +father and mother." + +There was a little gasp of surprise all round the table. Robin went on-- + +"My home is just seven miles from here. This is the first time I have +got near my folk for six years. To-morrow I mean to go and see them. And +they would like fine, I know," he added a little shyly, "if some of you +would come with me." + +"I'll come," said Kitty promptly. "I should love to meet your mother, +Robin." + +"May _I_ come, Uncle Robin?" piped Phillis. "For a birfday treat," she +added, in extenuation. + +Applications for an invitation rained in. Apart from a desire to please +a man whom we all respected--and our ready offers undoubtedly did please +him--I think we were all a little curious to view the mould which had +turned Robin out. + +"You can't _all_ go," said the Admiral at last. "There's the +grouse-drive to-morrow, and eight butts to fill; not to mention the need +of female society at lunch." + +Finally it was arranged that Robin should take Kitty and Phillis over on +a sort of preliminary call, and they could arrange for the establishment +of more substantial relations. + +But that evening, as the ladies were having their candles lit at the +foot of the staircase, I heard Robin say to Dolly-- + +"Will you come with us to-morrow?" + +Dolly seemed to consider, and was about to reply, when Dermott, who +never seemed very far away now, cut in. + +"Too late, Fordyce! Miss Rubislaw has promised to come and load for me +in my butt to-morrow afternoon." + +"No, I'm afraid it can't be managed this time, Robin," said Dolly. "But +I am coming with you later in the week, if you'll take me." + +Robin said nothing. + +Now Dolly, I knew, did not approve of the inclusion of females in the +business part of a day's shooting; and she regarded Miss Buncle and her +twenty-eight bore with pious horror. The fact that she had consented to +come and hold Dermott's second gun to-morrow seemed to indicate that +that gallant sportsman had accomplished a feat which had already proved +too much for several highly deserving young men--I was not quite sure +that Robin was not one of them; and there seemed to be every reason to +anticipate (especially since he was due to start for Aldershot to-morrow +night) that when the Captain returned from the chase to-morrow +afternoon, his bag would include one head of game of an interesting and +unusual variety. + + + +III. + + +At ten o'clock next morning we met the keepers, dogs, and beaters not +far from the first line of butts on the moor. There was a hot sun, and +the bees were bumbling in the heather. Somehow Whitehall seemed a long +way off. + +The number of guns had been brought up to seven by the inclusion of a +neighbouring laird--one Gilmerton of Nethercraigs--and his son. + +"All the same, we are still a man short," complained the Admiral, to +whom a house-party was a ship's company, and a day's shooting a sort of +terrestrial naval manoeuvre. "However, we will cut out the end butt in +each drive and put a stop there to turn the birds farther in. Now we'll +draw for places. Each man to take the butt whose number he draws, +counting from the right and moving up one place after each drive. And +Heaven help the man who draws number four now, for it means number seven +and a climb up The Pimple for him directly after lunch!" + +There was a general laugh at this, which swelled to an unseemly roar +when I drew the fatal number. + +However, after lunch was a long way off, and I trotted contentedly to +number four and settled down to a pipe, while the head-keeper led off +his mixed multitude of assistants, dogs, boys, and red flags to make a +_detour_ and work the game up towards us. + +The first drive was simple. We were in a long and rather shallow glen, +across which ran a low ridge, dividing it into two almost equal +sections. The butts were placed along this ridge; and after the birds +had been sent over us the beaters would work round to the other end of +the glen and drive them back again. The shooting would be easy, for the +ground lay flat and open in either direction. + +I found myself between Standish and Gerald; the former on my right, and +the latter, together with the young keeper to whom his shooting +education had been entrusted, in the butt on my left. Beyond Standish +was Dermott, the crack shot of the party, and beyond Dermott, in number +one butt, was the Admiral. The Gilmertons, _pere et fils_, occupied the +butts on the extreme left. + +The drive was moderately successful. At first the birds came along +singly, mostly on the right, and fell an easy prey to Dermott and the +Admiral. But presently a great pack got up comparatively near the butts, +and fairly "rushed" us. I brought off an easy right and left straight in +front of me, and then, snapping out my cartridges and slipping another +in, I swung round and just managed to bring down a third bird with a +"stern chaser"--a feat which I regretted to observe no one else noticed, +for there was a perfect fusilade all along the line at the moment. +Master Gerald, who had discharged his first barrel straight into the +"brown," succeeded, in obedience to his mentor's admonitions, in +covering an old cock-grouse with his second, and carefully following +that flustered fowl's course with the point of his gun, pulled the +trigger just as it skimmed, low down, with an agitated squawk, between +his butt and mine. I heard the shot rattle through the heather, and two +pellets hit on my left boot. + +The congenial task of telling Gerald, in a low but penetrating voice, +exactly what I thought of him, occupied my attention so fully for the +next minute that I failed to observe a blackcock which suddenly swung up +into view and whizzed straight past my head, to the audible annoyance of +the distant Admiral and the undisguised joy of my unrepentant relative. + +No more birds came after that, and presently, the line of beaters having +advanced within range, we put down our guns and collected the slain. We +had not done badly, considering the fact that the main body of the birds +had swerved away to our left over the unoccupied butt, despite the +valiant efforts of an urchin with a red flag to turn them. Dermott +headed the list with four and a half brace, and Gerald brought up the +rear with a mangled corpse which had received the contents of his first +barrel point-blank at a distance of about six feet. The laird of +Nethercraigs (a cautious and economical sportsman, who was reputed never +to loose off his gun at anything which did not come and perch on his +butt) had fired just three cartridges and killed just three birds, but +his son had seven. The Admiral and Standish had also had average luck, +and altogether we had fourteen and a half brace to show for our +exertions. + +Off went the beaters again, and we changed butts and waited. The second +drive gave us fewer birds but better sport. There were no great packs, +but we got plenty to do in the way of sharp-shooting, and Gerald's +keeper--a singularly ambiguous title in this case--succeeded by +increased vigilance in preserving me from being further sniped by my +enterprising brother-in-law. + +We totalled up twelve brace this time, and then made ready for a tramp +to the next line of butts, away round the shoulder of a fairly distant +hill. + +"We may as well spread out and walk 'em up this bit," said our host. "We +can't have the dogs, though, as the keepers and beaters are going a +different way; and each man will have to carry what he shoots. In that +case we'll leave rabbits alone. Gerald, you had better get to the +extreme left of the line. That will limit the risk to one man!" + +"I'll carry home your bag if you'll carry mine, Gerald," cried Standish +facetiously, as my brother-in-law, a trifle offended at the Admiral's +last pleasantry, proceeded with much dignity to his allotted place. + +Gerald was almost out of earshot, but he waved a defiant acquiescence. + +We tramped round the shoulder of the hill, keeping our distance as well +as we could on the steep slope, and occasionally putting up something to +shoot at. My bag this time made no great demands on my powers of +porterage, consisting as it did of a solitary snipe. However, when +nearly an hour later we gathered at the foot of the next line of +butts--the last before lunch--most of us were carrying something. +Standish gleefully displayed two hares and a brace of grouse. + +"There is something for Master Gerald to carry back to the +luncheon-cart," he said. "I wonder what he has got for me. Where is he?" + +"I don't quite know," said Dermott, who had been Gerald's nearest +neighbour. "He was so offended by our gibes about the danger of his +society that he walked rather wide of me. He kept down at the very foot +of the hill most of the time, almost out of sight." + +"I hope he hasn't shot himself," said the Admiral rather anxiously. + +"Never fear!" said I. "That will not be his end. Here he is." + +Sure enough, Gerald appeared at this moment. He was empty-handed. + +Simple and primitive jests greeted him. + +"Hallo, old man, what have you shot--eh? Where is your little lot?" + +Gerald smiled seraphically. + +"You'll find it down there," he said--"in that patch of bracken, +Standish. I left it for you to bring up. Rather heavy for me." + +"What on earth have you shot?" we cried involuntarily. + +"A sheep," said Gerald calmly. + +Great heavens! + +We rushed down the hill as one man--and came up again looking not a +little hot and uncommonly foolish. The sheep was there, it is true, +stiff and stark in the bracken; but more senses than one apprised us of +the fact that it had been dead for considerably more than five minutes. +Gerald had stumbled on to the corpse, and had turned his discovery, we +afterwards admitted, to remarkably good advantage. It was "Mr Standish's +turn," as Miss Buncle, in the picturesque but mysterious vernacular of +her race, remarked at luncheon, "to hold the baby this time." + +After the third drive we gladly put up our guns and tramped down the +hillside to the road below, where the ladies were waiting and the feast +was spread. After we had disposed of grouse sandwiches, +whisky-and-water, and jammy scones, and were devoting our post-prandial +leisure to repose or dalliance with the fair--according as we were +married or single--Lady Rubislaw inquired-- + +"Where are you shooting this afternoon, John?" + +"The Neb, first," replied the Admiral. "And that reminds me, the man who +drew the top butt had better start now, or he'll be late." + +With many groans, and followed by the mingled derision and sympathy of +the company, I picked up my _impedimenta_ and started, leaving the +others to decide who, if any, of the shooters was to have the honour of +entertaining a lady in his butt. + +The Neb was a great mountain spur, whose base ran to within two or three +hundred yards of our resting-place. In appearance it roughly resembled a +mighty Napoleonic nose. The butts ran right up the ridge of that organ; +and nine hundred feet above where we sat, just below an excrescence +locally known as "The Pimple," lay mine. + +I reached my eyrie at last, and having laid my flask, tobacco-pouch, and +twelve loose cartridges where I could reach them most handily on +projecting shelves of peat inside the butt--I love neatness and method: +Kitty says that when (if ever) I get to heaven I will decline to enter +until I have wiped my boots,--settled down to enjoy a superb view and +take note of the not altogether uninteresting manner in which the other +members of the party were disposing themselves for the drive. + +Just below me were Standish and Miss Buncle, the lady a conspicuous mark +for all men (and grouse) to behold by reason of a red tam o'shanter, the +sight of which made me regret that its wearer was not employed as a +beater. In the butt below were Dermott and Dolly--both very workmanlike +and inconspicuous. Below them came the Admiral, with his wife (she +always came and sat behind him, like a remarkably smart little +powder-monkey, during the afternoon drive): below them, the Gilmertons; +and last of all, thank Heaven! Gerald. + +The shooting on this beat would not be easy, though birds were always +plentiful. They came round the face of the hill at very short range and +express speed. My particular butt was notoriously difficult to score +from. There was an awkward hummock in front of it, and driven birds +swinging into view round this were practically right over the butt +before its occupant could get his gun up. + +It was a rather sleepy afternoon. Far away I could hear the sound of the +advancing beaters--the cries of the boys, the occasional barking of a +dog, and the shrill piping of the headkeeper's whistle. Suddenly three +birds swung into view round the face of the hill, and made straight for +the line of butts. They were just below me, nearer to Standish's butt +than mine, but I put up my gun and picked off the nearest. The other +two, instead of keeping on their course over Standish's head, suddenly +swerved round to the left, almost at right angles--I think they had seen +Miss Buncle's tam o' shanter and simultaneously decided that there are +worse things than death--and flew straight down the line, followed by an +ineffectual volley from the twelve and twenty-eight bores respectively. + +"Now, Dermott, my boy!" I ejaculated, as the birds skimmed past the +third butt. "There's a chance for a really pretty right and left." + +But no sound--no movement even--came from our crack's lair. The birds +flew by unharmed, only to fall later on, one to the Admiral, and one to +young Gilmerton. + +"_Dormitat Homerus_," I murmured, gazing curiously towards Dermott's +butt. "I wonder if--Jove, there they go! What a pack! Well done, Gerald! +Oh, Gilmerton, you old _sweep_! Fire, man, _fire_! Good old Admiral! +Dermott, man, what the devil---- Have _at_ them!" + +I fairly danced in the heather. A perfect cloud of birds was pouring +over the lower part of the line. The Admiral, the Gilmertons, and Gerald +were firing fast and furiously,--even the laird of Nethercraigs loosed +off at birds that were neither running nor sitting,--and when the +beaters appeared in sight five minutes later, and the drive came to an +end, the four lower butts totalled twelve brace among them. + +I humbly proffered my solitary contribution. + +"Twelve and a half," said the Admiral. "Now, Standish?" + +"N.E. this time," remarked that youth philosophically. + +The Admiral said nothing, but I saw his choleric blue eyes slide round +in the direction of Miss Buncle's headgear. He turned to Dermott. + +"How many, old man?" + +"Blob!" + +That Dermott should return empty-handed from any kind of chase was so +surprising that we all turned round for the explanation. Dermott was +looking very dejected. This was evidently a blow to his professional +pride. + +"Didn't any of that great pack come near you?" asked the Admiral +sympathetically. + +"No--don't think so," said Dermott shortly. + +I had counted eight birds flying straight over his butt myself, but I +said nothing. I was beginning to comprehend. _Et ego in Arcadia vixi_. + +But the obtuse master-mariner persisted. + +"How about that brace that flew right down the line? You must have seen +'em coming all the way. You didn't even try a shot at them, man!" + +Dermott, who was fastening up his gaiter, answered rather listlessly-- + +"Sorry! It was--a misfire, I think." + +"What?" cried the outraged Admiral. "A _misfire_? Both barrels--of both +guns?" + +I did not hear the answer to this. I was looking at Dolly. Her face +could not be seen, for she was kneeling down a little distance away, +assiduously fondling the silky ears of a highly-gratified red setter. +And I realised then that some expressions are capable of a metaphorical +as well as a literal interpretation. + + + +IV. + + +My wife and daughter returned home in the "machine" in time for dinner, +without Robin. + +"His mother kept him," Kitty explained. She was favouring me with a +summary of her day's adventures, in the garden after dinner. "Such an +old dear, Adrian! And his father is a grand old man. Very solemn and +scriptural-looking and all that, but so courtly and simple when once he +gets over his shyness. (He tried to come in to tea in his shirt-sleeves, +but his wife hustled him out of the kitchen just in time.) Sir James +Fordyce was a shock, though. When we arrived he was chopping turnips in +a machine, dressed in clothes like any farm-labourer's. He said it was +fine to get back to his own people again. To look at him you would never +guess that he was one of the best known men in London, and a favourite +at Court, and _such_ an old dandy in Bond Street. The rest of the +household didn't seem to set any particular store by him. They took him +quite as a matter of course." + +"What a pity English people can't do the same," I mused. "If they do +possess a distinguished relative they brag about him, and he usually +responds by avoiding them. If he does honour them with a visit, they try +to live up to him, and put on unnecessary frills, and summon all the +neighbourhood to come and inspect him." + +"There's nothing of that kind about the Fordyces," said Kitty. "Sir +James was just one of themselves; he even spoke like them. It was, 'Aye, +Jeems!' and 'Aye, John!' all the time." + +"How about the rest of the family?" I inquired. + +"The mother was immensely pleased to have Robin with her again, I could +see," said Kitty. "She made no particular fuss over him, but I'm sure +she simply hugged him as soon as we were gone. She had a talk with me +about him when we were alone. She seems to regard him as the least +successful member of the family, although he has been a good son to +them. (Do you know, Adrian, he has sent them something like two hundred +pounds during the time he has been with us? And that must have left him +little enough to go on with, goodness knows!) But I don't think they +consider him a patch on the eldest son, who is a great silent man with a +beard--a sort of Scotch John Ridd. He looks years older than Robin, +though of course he isn't. He is a splendid farmer, his mother tells me, +and greatly "respeckit" in the district. But the poor dear was so +frightened of me that he simply bolted from the house the moment he had +finished his tea. The sister is pretty, and nice too, but shy. I'm +afraid she found my clothes rather overpowering, though I'd only a coat +and skirt on. But we got on splendidly after that. She is going to be +married next month, to the minister, which is considered an immense +triumph for her by the whole community. We must send them a present. By +the way, what's the matter with Dolly?" + +"What's the matter with poor old Dermott?" I retorted. + +At this moment the much-enduring "machine" jingled up to the door, and +Captain Dermott's luggage, together with his gun-cases and a generous +bundle of game for the mess-table at Aldershot, was piled in at the +back. Their owner followed after, and seeing the glowing end of my cigar +in the dark, advanced to say good-bye. + +Kitty uttered some pretty expression of regret at his departure, and +flitted into the house. Dermott and I surveyed each other silently +through the darkness. + +"Is it any use asking you to come and look us up in town?" I said at +last rather lamely. + +He laughed through set teeth--not a pretty sound. + +"I think I'll--avoid your household for a bit, Adrian," he answered. + +I nodded gravely. + +"I see," I said. "I--I'm sorry, old man!" + +"I'm going to India, if I can get away," he continued, after a pause. + +"Good scheme!" I replied. "We shall think of you most kindly--er, _all_ +of us." + +He said nothing, but shook hands in a grateful sort of fashion, and +turned away. + +I suppose there is a reason for everything in this world. Still, the +spectacle of a good man fighting dumbly with a cruel disappointment--and +disappointment is perhaps the bitterest pill in all the pharmacopeia of +life--is certainly a severe test of one's convictions on the subject. + +At this moment the rest of the party--_minus_ Dolly--flowed out on to +the doorstep to say farewell; and two minutes later Captain Dermott +drove heavily away--back to his day's work. + +Well, thank God there is always that! + + * * * * * + +"I thought she was going to take him," said Kitty in her subsequent +summing-up. "It was far and away the best offer she has ever had. And he +is such a dear, too! What does the child want, I wonder! A coronet?" + +"'A dinner of herbs,' perhaps," said I. + +Kitty eyed me thoughtfully, and gave a wise little nod. + +"Yes--Dolly is just that sort," she agreed. "But what makes you think +that?" + +"Oh--nothing," I said. + +There are certain matters upon which it is almost an impertinence for a +man to offer an opinion to a woman, and I rather shrank from rushing in +where my wife had evidently not thought it worth while to tread. Still, +I could not help wondering in my heart whether the arrival of one +gentleman on Sunday may not sometimes have something to do, however +indirectly, with the abrupt departure of another gentleman on Monday. + + + + +CHAPTER TWELVE. + +THE COMPLEAT ANGLER. + + +The Division of Stoneleigh, which had hitherto done me the honour of +returning me as its Member of Parliament, is a triangular tract of +country in the north of England. + +At the apex of the triangle lies Stoneleigh itself, a township whose +chief assets are an ancient cathedral at one end, and a flourishing +industry, proclaiming to the heavens its dependence upon Hides and +Tallow, at the other. The base of the triangle runs along the sea-coast, +and is dotted with fishing villages. Most of the intervening area is +under cultivation. + +It will be seen, then, that the character of my constituency varied in a +perplexing manner, and while I could usually depend upon what I may call +the Turnip interest, I could not always count with absolute certainty on +the whole-hearted support of the Fish or Hides-and-Tallow. + +To this delectable microcosm my household and I migrated one bleak day +in February, to commence what promised to be an arduous and thoroughly +uncomfortable electoral campaign. + +The Government had gone out at last, more from inanition than over any +definite question of policy; and we were going to the country to face +what is paradoxically termed "the music." It would be a General Election +in every sense of the word, for there was no particular question of the +hour--this was before the days of Passive Resistance and Tariff +Reform--and our chief bar to success would undoubtedly be our old and +inveterate enemy, "the pendulum." Of course we were distributing +leaflets galore, and blazoning panegyrics on our own legislative +achievements over every hoarding in the country--especially where our +opponents had already posted up scathing denunciations of the same--and +of course we declared that we were going to come again, like King +Arthur; but I think most of us realised in our hearts that the great +British Public, having decided in its ponderous but not altogether +unreasonable way that any change of government must be for the better, +was now going to pull us down from the eminence to which we had been +precariously clinging for five years, and set up another row of +legislative Aunt Sallies in our stead. + +However, we were far from admitting this. We wore our favours, waved our +hats, and celebrated our approaching triumph with as great an appearance +of optimism as the loss of seven consecutive by-elections would permit. + +Our party--Kitty, Phillis, Dolly, and myself: Dilly and Dicky were to +follow, and Robin had preceded us by two days--was met at the station by +an informal but influential little deputation, consisting of Mr Cash, my +agent, a single-minded creature who would cheerfully have done his best +to get Mephistopheles returned as member if he had been officially +appointed to further that gentleman's interests; old Colonel Vincey, who +would as cheerfully have voted for the same candidate provided he wore +Conservative colours; Mr Bugsley, a leading linen-draper and ex-Mayor of +the town, vice-chairman of our local organisation; Mr Winch--locally +known as Beery Bill--the accredited mouthpiece of the Stoneleigh liquor +interest; and the Dean, who came, I was uncharitable enough to suspect +even as he wrung my hand, on business not unconnected with the +unfortunate deficit in the fund for the restoration of the North +Transept. There were also present one or two reporters, and a _posse_ of +the offscourings of Stoneleigh small-boydom. + +We drove in state to the hotel. Previous to this I shook hands warmly +with the Station-master, who scowled at me--he was a Home-Ruler and a +Baptist--and gave four porters half-a-crown apiece for lifting our +luggage on to the roof of a cab. I also handed a newsboy sixpence for a +copy of the local bi-weekly organ which supported our cause, and +tendered half-a-sovereign in payment for a bunch of violets and +primroses--our party colours in this district were purple and +gold--which were proffered me outside the station by an ancient +flower-selling dame who, Cash hissed into my ear, happened to be the +mother of four strapping and fully-enfranchised sons; and presented an +unwashed stranger who was holding open the cab door for us with a token +of affection and esteem which could readily be commuted into several +hours' beer. + +On arriving at the hotel I handed the cabman a fare roughly equivalent +to the cash value of the cab, and then proceeded to distribute largesse +to a crowd of menials who kindly undertook the task of lifting the +luggage from the roof and conveying it to our rooms. The horse, having +no vote, received no pecuniary return for its labours, but was rewarded +for its devotion to Conservative principles by a lump of sugar, which +Phillis had been tightly holding in a moist hand ever since Cash had +handed it to her at the station--a pretty and thoughtful act of +disinterested kindness which was duly noted in the _Stoneleigh Herald_ +next morning, and effectually secured the votes of several elusive but +sentimental wobblers on polling day. + +After this unostentatious entry into my constituency I duly established +myself in my apartments, where I spent most of the afternoon writing +cheques. The restoration of the North Transept proved to be in an even +more deplorable state of backwardness than I had feared; but the Dean +ultimately left me with the utmost expressions of goodwill, promising to +reassure the most exacting spirits in Cathedral society as to my +soundness on the questions of (1) Disestablishment and (2) Secular +Education in Elementary Schools. + +Thereafter I received the captain of the local football team, who begged +to remind me that my subscription of five guineas, as Honorary +Vice-President of the club, was now due, and further requested that I +would do himself and colleagues the honour of kicking-off in the match +against the Scrappington Hotstuffs on Saturday week. (Saturday next, I +heard afterwards, had been reserved for my rival.) He finally departed +with my cheque in his pocket, and, I expect, his tongue in his cheek. + +Robin next let in upon me a sub-section of the General Purposes +Committee of the Municipal Library, who begged that I would kindly +consent to open the new wing thereof, jointly with the rival Candidate, +at three o'clock next Wednesday; and intimated as an afterthought that +the oak bookcase in the eastern alcove was still unpaid for. They +departed calling down blessings upon my head. (Five pounds ten.) + +Next, after a brief call from a gentleman in a blue ribbon, who came to +solicit a guinea for the Band of Hope, and who left in exchange one +hundred copies of a picture of the interior of a drunkard's stomach, +executed in three colours, came Beery Bill, to whom the reader has +already been introduced. He had not come to talk Politics, he said, but +just to have a quiet chat with one whom he hoped he could regard as a +personal friend. (I got out my fountain pen.) The chat materialised +presently into an intimation that the Licensed Victuallers Benevolent +Something-or-Other was short of cash; and my visitor suggested that a +trifle in support of the charities of that most deserving institution +would come gracefully from my pocket. On handing me the receipt he +informed me that the brewing trade was in a bad way, and that he looked +to me to do something for it if he used his influence on my behalf at +the Election. + +The next visitor was an eccentric but harmless old gentleman who eked +out a precarious livelihood as a Herbalist--whatever that may be--in the +most plebeian quarter of the town. He inhabited a small and stuffy shop +up a discreet alley, suffered much from small boys, sold curious drugs +and potions of his own composition, and prescribed for persons whose +means or modesty precluded them from consulting an orthodox +practitioner. + +He was threatened, it appeared, with the penalties of the law. He had +sold a "love-philtre" (pronounced infallible for recalling errant +_fiances_ to a sense of duty) to an amorous kitchen-maid who was seeking +to rekindle the sacred flame in the bosom of an unresponsive policeman. +The damozel had mingled the potion in a plate of beefsteak pudding, and +had handed the same out of the scullery window to her peripatetic swain; +with the sole result that that limb of the law had been immediately and +violently sick, and, the moment he felt sufficiently recovered to do so, +had declared the already debilitated match at an end. The kitchen-maid, +rendered desperate, had told him the whole truth; and consequently my +esteemed caller was now wanted by the police. + +The catastrophe of the pie, he explained, was in no way to be attributed +to the love-philtre (which was composed of sifted sugar and cinnamon), +but was due to the fact that instead of the philtre he had inadvertently +handed his fair client a packet out of the next drawer, which contained +ready-made-up doses of tartaric acid for immediate use in the case of +small boys who had swallowed sixpences. _Hinc lacrymcoe_. In spite of +his complete consciousness of his own innocence, he now found himself +compelled in a few days' time to defend his conduct in a court of law. +The proceedings would cost money, of which he of course possessed little +or none. He had called, he said, confident in the hope that I would +assist him to defray the expense of vindicating his integrity as a +high-class Herbalist by purchasing six bottles of his world-renowned +specific for neuralgia, from which dread malady he had been +informed--quite incorrectly, by the way--that I occasionally suffered. +The thirty shillings thus subscribed, together with a few odd coins +which he himself had contrived to scrape together during a long life of +thrift, would secure the services of a skilled advocate, who would +doubtless be able to prove to the satisfaction of justice that no +high-class Herbalist would ever dream, save in the way of kindness, of +putting tartaric acid into a policeman's beefsteak pudding. + +He added, rather inconsequently, that he had voted Conservative at the +last three elections, and had moreover persuaded all the other members +of the Royal and Ancient Brotherhood of High-class Herbalists to do the +same. (One pound ten.) + +My last visitor was a seedy individual in corduroys, who asked for a +private interview with the Candidate, and, on this favour being granted, +informed me in a confidential and husky whisper that he knew of ten good +men and true, fully qualified voters, who were prepared to go to the +poll on my behalf for the trifling fee of two pound ten a-head and no +questions asked. He was politely but firmly shown into the street. One +has to be on the look-out against persons of this type. + +I concluded the afternoon by a rather unsatisfactory interview with Mr +Cash. He was by nature a boisterous and optimistic person, but on this +occasion I found him inclined to be reticent and gloomy. He announced +with a shake of the head that my rival was a very strong candidate; and +finally, after a certain amount of pressing, admitted that I was not +altogether as universally acceptable to my own side as I might have +been. + +"You are not violent enough, Mr Inglethwaite," he said. "You sympathise +too much with the point of view of the opposite side. That's fatal." + +I turned to Robin. + +"You hear that?" I said. "Don't you ever call me a prejudiced old Tory +again, Robin." + +"Then," continued the dolorous Cash, "you are too squeamish. Those +posters that you wouldn't allow to be put up--that was simply throwing +away good votes. Politics in this part of the country can't be played +with kid gloves. Then there are the meetings. You don't let the other +side have it hot enough. Call 'em robbers and liars! That's what wins an +election!" + +"I suppose it is," I said mournfully. "Robin, we must put our opinions +in our pockets and beat the party drum. Come on, let us go to the +Committee Rooms!" + +For the next fortnight we worked like galley-slaves. Each morning Kitty +and I drove round the town in an open carriage-and-pair decorated with +our colours, bowing to such of our constituents as would look at us, and +punctiliously returning any salutes we received. Occasionally +whole-hearted supporters would give us a cheer, and occasionally--rather +more frequently, it seemed to me--disagreeable persons booed at us. Once +we were held up outside a hide-and-tallow work by a gang of workmen who +wished to address a few questions to the Candidate. We came well out of +that ordeal, for both Kitty and Dolly happened to be in the carriage +that day, and they so completely captivated the spokesman of the +deputation--no wonder! a pretty woman never looks so attractive as in +furs--that that gentleman concluded a catechism of unpremeditated +brevity and incoherence by proposing a vote of confidence in, coupled +with three cheers for, Mr Inglethwaite and his young ladies! + +On another occasion a gnarled and fervent Radical of the bootmaking +persuasion hobbled to the door of his establishment, and waving clenched +and uplifted fists, called down upon us and our retreating equipage all +the curses at the command of a rather extensive vocabulary until we were +out of earshot. + +Occasionally little girls threw posies into the carriage: little boys, +not to be outdone in politeness, threw stones: and altogether I felt +very much as the Honourable Samuel Slumkey must have done upon the +historic occasion on which he solicited the votes of the electors of the +borough of Eatanswill. + +Talking of Eatanswill, I had already made the acquaintance of Mr Horatio +Fizkin in the person of my opponent, Mr Alderman Stridge, Wholesale +Provision Merchant and Italian Warehouseman. His selection as Liberal +Candidate was a blow to us: we had hoped for nothing worse than a +briefless carpet-bagger from the Temple, as on previous occasions. +However, the Alderman on our introduction was extremely affable, and +expressed a hope, with the air of one discovering the sentiment for the +first time, that the best man might win; to which I, as in duty bound, +replied that I hoped not; and we parted with mutual expressions of +goodwill and esteem, to deride each other's politics and bespatter each +other's characters on countless platforms and doorsteps until we should +meet again, after the fray, at the counting of the votes. + +On returning from our morning drive (which usually included an open-air +meeting) we took luncheon, generally in the presence of various anaemic +young men who represented local organs of public opinion, and who +expected the long-suffering candidate to set forth his views between +mouthfuls of chop and sips of sherry. I usually turned these over to +Robin, who understood their ways; and he charmed them so wisely that +even the relentless Cash was compelled to admit that our press notices +might have been worse. + +Robin was a tower of strength. Indeed he and Dolly were my two chief +lieutenants; Dilly and Dicky, as became a pair who had only been married +a few months, proving but broken reeds. A week's electioneering proved +sufficient for their requirements; and, declining flatly to "grin like a +dog and run about the city"--Dilly's pithy summary of the art of +canvassing--any longer, they left us ten days before polling-day to pay +a country-house visit. But Robin was everywhere. He answered my letters +and he interviewed reporters. He could keep a meeting in hand (pending +my arrival from another) with such success that when I finally appeared +upon the platform to take up the wondrous tale of my party's +perfections, the audience were loth to let Robin go. In six days he +acquired a knowledge of the wants, peculiarities, weaknesses, and +traditions of my constituents which had occupied all my powers of +concentration and absorption for six arduous years. He used to drop into +his speeches little topical allusions and local "gags" which, though +Greek to the uninitiated, never failed to produce a roar: and a +political speaker who can unfailingly make his audience laugh with +him--not at him--has gone far on the road to success. + +Once, at a meeting, when I was half-way through a speech to an +unmistakably bored and rather hostile audience, Robin, who was sitting +beside me, slipped a sheet of paper on to my table. The message on the +paper, written large for me to read, said--_Compare Stridge to the Old +Lady of Dippleton_. What the lady had done I did not know, neither had I +time to inquire; but I took my secretary's advice, and, after pausing +for a brief drink of water, concluded my sentence-- + +"--and I maintain, gentlemen, that my opponent, in advocating such a +policy as that which he has had the--the--yes, the _effrontery_ to lay +before a clear-thinking and broad-minded Stoneleigh audience last night, +has shown himself to be no wiser in his generation, no better or more +statesmanlike in character, than--than--what shall we say? than"--I +glanced at the paper on the table--"the Old Lady of Dippleton!" + +There was a great roar of laughter, and I sat down. I was ultimately +awarded a vote of thanks, which should by rights have been given to the +heroine of my closing allusion. I may mention here that no subsequent +inquiry of mine ever elicited from Robin or any one else what the Old +Lady of Dippleton _had_ done. Probably it was one of those things that +no real lady ever ought to do, and I discreetly left it at that. + +Dolly, too, proved a treasure. Her strong line was canvassing. She could +ingratiate herself with short-tempered and over-driven wives apparently +without effort; surly husbands melted before her smile; sheepish young +men forgot the encumbering existence of their hands and feet in her +presence; and she was absolutely infallible with babies. Her methods +were entirely her own, and gratifyingly free from the superior and +patronising airs usually adopted by fine ladies when they go to solicit +the votes of that variegated and much-graded community which they +cheerfully and indiscriminately sum up as "the lower classes." + +Let us follow her as she flits on her way to pay a morning call upon Mr +Noah Gulching of Jackson's Row. + +Mr Gulching, she finds, is absent in search of a job, while Mrs +Gulching, thoroughly cross and worried, is doing the housework with one +hand and dangling a fractious teething baby from the other. The rest of +the family are engaged in playing games of skill and chance (on the win, +tie, or wrangle principle), in the middle of the street outside; and +piercing screams testify to the fact that John William Gulching, aged +two, had just been uprooted by Mary Kate Gulching, who wants to lay out +a new Hop-Scotch court, from the flagstone upon which he has been seated +for the last half hour and dumped down upon another, the warming of +which, even his untutored sensations inform him, will be a matter of +some time and trouble. + +Dolly, not a whit dismayed by a thoroughly ungracious reception, tucks +up her skirt, rolls up her sleeves, finishes washing-up, makes a bed, +and peels some potatoes. Then she takes the baby and attends to its more +conspicuous wants, what time Mrs Gulching, thoroughly mollified,--she +had thought at first that Dolly was "a person with tracks,"--goes round +the corner to the "Drop Inn," at which hostelry the work of which her +spouse is habitually in pursuit invariably goes to ground, and brings +that gentleman home with her, to find Dolly playing with a spotless +infant whom she gradually recognises as her own offspring. + +Dolly begins at once. + +"Good morning, Mr Gulching! I expect you think I am one of those horrid +canvassers." + +Mr Gulching, a little taken aback, admits that such was his impression. + +"Well, I'm not," says Dolly. (_Oh, Dolly!_) "I suppose there may be some +excuse for canvassing among people who do not take much interest in +politics,--though _I_ shouldn't like to do it,--but it would be rather a +waste of time for me or any one else to come and try on that sort of +thing with _you_, wouldn't it, Mr Gulching?" + +Mr Gulching, outwardly frigid but inwardly liquescent, agrees that this +is so; and adds in a truculent growl that he would like to see 'em try +it on. + +"What I really want," continues Dolly, "is your _advice_. I am told that +you are so respected here, and have such a knowledge of the requirements +of the neighbourhood, that you might be inclined to give us a little +help in a scheme which Mr Inglethwaite has in hand. Schemes for the +improvement of some of the houses--not snug little cribs like this, but +the homes of people who are not so clever and able to take care of +themselves as you--and the supplying of more amusements in the evenings; +entertainments, lectures----" + +"Teetotal?" inquires Mr Gulching hoarsely. + +"Oh dear, no. I am sure Mr Inglethwaite would not wish to deprive any +one of his glass of beer. He quite agrees with your views about moderate +drinking." (This, I may mention, is a slanderous libel on me, but it +sounds all right as Dolly says it.) "But he knows that the success of +his efforts will depend entirely upon whether he has the support of such +men as yourself--men who know what they want and will see that they get +it. We can't do without you, you see," she adds, with a bewitching +little smile. + +Visible swelling on the part of Mr Gulching. Dolly gets up. + +"Well, I know you are a busy man, Mr Gulching, so I mustn't keep you +listening to a woman's chatter any more. I'm afraid I haven't explained +things very deeply, but then you men are such creatures for wanting to +get to the root of the matter, aren't they, Mrs Gulching? However, Mr +Inglethwaite will call shortly and discuss things with you. I know he +wants your advice. Meanwhile, perhaps you will mention the matter to any +friends of yours whom you think would be likely to help us, won't you? +Good morning, and thank you so much for granting me this--er--interview. +An Englishman's house is his castle, isn't it? That is why it was so +good of you to let me come in. Good-bye, Mrs Gulching. He's a perfectly +sweet little chap, and I must come and see him again, if I may." (The +last remark is a little ambiguous, but probably refers to the baby.) + +And Dolly, with a friendly nod to the rest of the family (who are by +this time drawn up _en echelon_ at the street door, under the personal +direction of Violet Amelia Gulching), sails out, followed by a gratified +leer from the greatly inflated Mr Gulching, having secured that free and +independent elector's vote without even having asked for it. And yet +some women are crying out for the right to control elections! + +At the street corner, with a persuasive finger in the buttonhole of an +unconvinced Socialist (and a vigilant eye straining down the long and +unlovely vista of Jackson's Row), Dolly usually encounters Robert +Chalmers Fordyce. + + + + +CHAPTER THIRTEEN. + +A HOSTAGE TO FORTUNE. + + +Nomination day came, and I was duly entered by my proprietors for the +Election Stakes, though I was painfully aware that my selection as +Candidate was not universally popular. + +However, as Cash remarked, "It is canvassing from door to door that does +the trick, and there you have the bulge on Stridge. He's not a bad old +buffer himself, but they hate his wife like poison. She drives up to +their doors in a silver-plated brougham with a double-breasted coachman, +and tells 'em to vote for Stridge, not because he used to live in a +one-roomed house himself--which he did, and her too--but because he's a +local god-on-wheels. Of course they won't stick that." + +I also continued to address meetings, receive deputations, and generally +solicit patronage in a way that would have made a cab-tout blush for +shame. As a recreation I kicked off at football matches and laid +foundation-stones. The most important function in which I took part was +the opening of the new wing of the Municipal Library. The ceremony, +which was by way of being a non-party affair, took place on a blustering +February afternoon. The _elite_ of Stoneleigh were picturesquely grouped +upon the steps of the main entrance of the Library, from the topmost of +which the Mayor, the Dean, and the Candidates addressed a shivering and +apathetic audience below. + +Fortunately, the company were too exclusively occupied in holding on +their hats and blowing their blue noses to pay much attention to the +improving harangues of Mr Stridge and myself; which was perhaps just as +well, for men who have three or four highly critical and possibly +hostile meetings to address later in the day are not likely to waste +good things upon an assembly who probably cannot hear them, and will +only say "Hear, hear!" in sepulchral tones if they do. + +The actual opening of the wing was accomplished quite informally (and I +may say unexpectedly) by Kitty and Mrs Stridge--a fearsome matron, who +looked like a sort of Nonconformist Boadicea--who were huddling together +for warmth in the recess of the doorway. On a pedestal before them lay +two small gold keys, with which they were presently to unlock the door +itself, what time I, in trumpet tones, declared the Library open. +Whether through natural modesty or a desire to escape the assaults of +the wind, the two ladies shrank back so closely into the door that that +accommodating portal, evidently deeming it ungallant to wait even for a +golden key under such circumstances, incontinently flew open, and +Mesdames Inglethwaite and Stridge subsided gracefully into the arms of a +spectacled and embarrassed Librarian, who was formally waiting inside to +receive the company at the proper moment. + +After that, the proceedings, which so far had been almost as bleak as +the weather, went with a roar to the finish. + +But events like these were mere oases in a desert of ceaseless drudgery. +The fight grew sterner and stiffer, and, as always happens on these +occasions, the neutral and the apathetic began to bestir themselves and +take sides. A week before the election there was not an impartial or +unbiassed person left in Stoneleigh. Collisions between supporters of +either party became frequent and serious. On the first occasion, when a +Conservative sought to punctuate an argument by discharging a small +gin-and-ginger into the face of his Liberal opponent, and the Liberal +retaliated by felling the Conservative to the earth with a pint-pot, +Stridge and I wrote quite effusively to one another apologising for the +exuberance of our friends. A week later, when certain upholders of my +cause bombarded Stridge's emporium with an assortment of Stridge's own +eggs, hitting one of Mr Stridge's white-jacketed assistants in the eye, +and severely damaging the frontage of Mr Stridge's Italian +warehouse--whereupon local and immediate supporters of the cause of +Stridge squared matters by putting three bombardiers into a +horse-trough--Mr Stridge and I expressed no sort of regret to one +another whatsoever, but referred scathingly, amid rapturous cheers, at +our next meetings to the blackguardly policy of intimidation and +hooliganism by which the other side found it necessary to bolster up a +barren cause and hopeless future; all of which shows that things were +tuning up to concert pitch. + +Results of other elections were coming in every day, and they were not +by any means favourable to our side. Still, we kept on smiling, and +talked largely about the swing of the pendulum--almost as useful a +phrase as "Mesopotamia" of blessed memory--and other phenomena of +reaction, and hoped for the best. Champion, who had been returned for +his constituency by a thumping majority, had promised to come down and +speak for me at a great meeting two nights before the election; and +Dubberley, who had lost his seat, threatened to come and help me to lose +mine. + +With the exception of Robin, who appeared to be made of some material +_aere perennius_, we were all getting the least bit "tucked up," from my +humble self down to Phillis, who appeared at breakfast one morning +looking flushed and rather too bright-eyed. + +"Electioneering seems to be telling on you, old lady," I remarked. +"Feeling quite well--eh?" + +"Just a _teeny_ headache, daddy. But"--hastily--"I can come with you to +the meeting in the theatre to-morrow night, can't I? it will be such +fun!" + +"Meeting? My little girl, it does not begin till an hour after your +bed-time." + +"That's why I want to go," said my daughter frankly. "Besides, I do +_love_ pantomimes--especially the clowns!" She wriggled ecstatically. + +Even the revelation of the plain truth--that the pantomime would be +called by another name and the clowns would appear in mufti--failed to +assuage Phillis's thirst for the dramatic sensation promised by a +meeting in a theatre. I was, as usual, wax in her small hands; and, +man-like, I threw the _onus negandi_ upon Eve's shoulders. + +"Ask your mother," I said; and flew to my day's work. + +Thank goodness, it was almost the last. To-morrow would be the eve of +the poll, and at night we were to hold our monster meeting. Three +thousand people would be present; a local magnate, Sir Thomas Wurzel (of +Heycocks), would occupy the chair; what one of our local reporters +insisted on calling "the _elite_ of the _bon ton_" would be ranged upon +the platform; and the meeting would be addressed by John Champion, +Robin,--they always wanted him now,--and the much-enduring Candidate. +The audience would, further, be made the recipients of a few remarks +from the Chair and (unless something providential happened) from +Dubberley, who was to second a vote of thanks to somebody--a performance +which might take anything up to fifty minutes. Altogether a feast of +oratory, and a further proof, if any were needed, that the English are a +hardy race. + +Phillis was decidedly unwell next morning, and Kitty prescribed bed. I +am inclined to be an anxious parent, but there was little time for the +exercise of any natural instincts on this occasion. Hounded on by the +relentless Cash, I spent the day in a final house-to-house canvass, +being fortunate enough to find at home several gentlemen who had been +out on previous occasions, and who now graciously permitted Kitty to +present them with a resplendent portrait of what at first sight appeared +to be a hairdresser's assistant in gala costume, but which an obtrusive +inscription below proclaimed to be "Inglethwaite! The Man You Know, and +Who Knows You!" + +After a hasty round of the Committee Rooms I returned to our hostelry, +the Cathedral Arms, where, after disposing of two reporters who wanted +an advance copy of my evening's speech, and having effusively thanked a +pompous individual for a sheaf of statistics on a subject which I cannot +recall, but in which no one outside an asylum could have reasonably been +expected to take any interest whatever, and which I was at liberty to +quote (with due acknowledgments) to any extent I pleased, I sat down +with Champion and Robin, faint yet pursuing, to fortify myself with +roast-beef and whisky for the labours of the evening. + +Presently Kitty entered, with Dolly. + +"_Who_ do you think has just arrived?" she said. + +"I don't know. Not a deputation, I hope!" + +"No. Gerald--from school." + +"Great Scott! Expelled?" + +"Oh no. It's his half-term _exeat_. I had forgotten all about it. As it +just falls in with the Election, he has come to see you through, he +says." + +"Right! Give him some food and a bed, and we'll send him round with one +of the brakes to-morrow, to bring people up to the poll. He has a gentle +compelling way about him that should be useful to us. Has he brought his +inarticulate friend?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, tell them to ask at the office for bedrooms." + +"They have done that already," said Dolly. "They are down in the kitchen +now, ordering dinner. They don't propose to go to the meeting. 'Better +fun outside,' they say." + +"Lucky little devils!" remarked the Candidate, with feeling. + +"And, Adrian," said Kitty, "I don't think I'll come either. I'm rather +bothered about Philly." + +I laid down my knife and fork. + +"What do you mean? Is she really ill?" + +"N-no. I don't think so, but she is very feverish and wretched, poor +kiddy. I tried to get hold of Dr Martin this afternoon, but he was miles +away on an urgent case, and won't be back till to-morrow. But I got Dr +Farquharson----" + +"Roaring Radical!" said I in horror-struck tones. + +--"Yes, dear, but such a nice old thing; and Scotch too, Robin----" + +"Aberdonian," said Robin dubiously. + +"Well," continued my wife, "he said she would need care, and must stay +in bed. He was in a tearing hurry, as he had to go on to one of +Stridge's meetings--horrid creature!--but he promised to come again on +his way home. Do you think it very important that I should come with +you?" + +I turned to my secretary. + +"What's your opinion, Robin?" + +"I think Mrs Inglethwaite should come. They like to see her on the +platform, I know." + +"If the Candidate's wife does not appear, people say she is too grand +for them," put in Champion. + +"I'll stay with Philly, Kit," said Dolly. + +"Will you? You dear! But I know you want to come yourself." + +"Never mind. It doesn't matter." + +And so it was arranged. + +We found the theatre packed to suffocation. A heated band of musicians +(whose degrees must have been conferred _honoris causa_) had just +concluded a set of airs whose sole excuse for existence was their +patriotic character, and Sir Thomas Wurzel (of Heycocks) was rising to +his feet, when our party appeared on the platform. Election fever was +running high by this time; the critical spirit was almost entirely +obliterated by a truly human desire to cut the preliminaries and hit +somebody in the eye; and we were greeted with deafening cheers. + +Presently Champion was introduced and called upon to speak. He was +personally unknown to the crowd before him, although his name was +familiar to them. But in five minutes he had the entire audience in his +grip. He made them laugh, and he made them cheer; he made them breathe +hard, and he made them chuckle. There were moments when the vast throng +sat in death-like silence, while Champion, with his voice dropped almost +to a whisper, cajoled them as a woman cajoles a man. Then suddenly he +would blare out another battle-call, and provoke a great storm of +cheering. He made little use of gesture--occasionally he punctuated a +remark with an impressive forefinger, but he had the most wonderful +voice I have ever heard. I sat and watched him with whole-hearted +admiration. It is true that he was not doing our cause any particular +good. He had forgotten that he was there to make a party speech, to +decry his opponents, and crack up his friends. He was soaring away into +other regions, and--most wonderful of all--he was taking his audience +with him. He besought them to be men, to play the game, to think +straight, to awaken to a sense of responsibility, and to remember the +magnitude and responsibility of their task as controllers of an Empire. +He breathed into them for a moment a portion of his own great spirit; +and many a small tradesman and dull-souled artisan realised that night, +for the first (and possibly the last) time, that the summit of the +Universe is not composed of hides and tallow, and that there are higher +things than the loaves and fishes of party politics and the petty +triumphs of a contested election. + +From a strictly tactical point of view all this was useless, and +therefore dangerous. But for a brief twenty minutes we were gods, +Utopians, Olympians, joyously planning out a scheme of things as they +should be, to the entire oblivion of things as they are. That is always +worth something. + +Then he sat down, and we came to earth again with a bump, recollecting +guiltily the cause for which we were assembled and met together--namely, +the overwhelming of an Italian warehouseman and the retention of a +parliamentary seat in an unimportant provincial district. + +Once only have I heard that speech bettered, and that was in the House +of Commons on a night in June fifteen years later, when a Prime Minister +started up from the Treasury Bench to defend a colleague whose +Bill--since recognised as one of the most statesmanlike measures of our +generation--was being submitted to the narrowest and meanest canons of +party criticism. It was another appeal for fair-play, unbiassed +judgment, and breadth of view, and it took a hostile and captious House, +Government and Opposition alike, by storm. The name of the Prime +Minister on that occasion was John Champion, and the colleague whom he +defended was Robert Chalmers Fordyce. + +After Champion had sat down--nominally his speech was a vote of +confidence in my unworthy self--Robin rose to second the motion. I did +not envy him his task. It is an ungrateful business at the best, firing +off squibs directly after a shower of meteors. Even a second shower of +meteors would be rather a failure under the circumstances. Robin +realised this. He put something into his pocket and told his audience a +couple of stories--dry, pawky, Scottish yarns--which he admitted were +not new, not true, and not particularly relevant. The first was a +scurrilous anecdote concerning a man from Paisley,--which illustrious +township, by the way, appears to be the target of practically all +Scottish humour,--and the other treated of a Highland minister who was +delivering to a long-suffering congregation a discourse upon the Minor +Prophets. Robin told us how the preacher worked through Obadiah, +Ezekiel, Nahum, Malachi, "and many others whose names are doubtless +equally familiar to you, gentlemen," he added amid chuckles, "placing +them in a kind of ecclesiastical order of merit as he proceeded; and +finally he came to Habakkuk. + +"'What place, my friends, what place will we assign to Habakkuk?' he +roared. + +"That, gentlemen," said Robin, "proved to be the last straw. A man rose +up under the gallery. + +"'Ye can pit him doon here in my seat,' he roared. 'I'm awa' hame!' + +"Gentlemen," added Robin, as the shout of laughter subsided, "I fear +that one of you will be for offering _his_ seat to Habakkuk if I go on +any longer, so I will just second the motion and sit down." + +After that I rose to my weary feet and offered my contribution. I have +no intention of giving a _precis_ of my speech here. It was exactly the +same as all the speeches ever delivered on such occasions. Thucydides +could have written it down word for word without ever having heard me +deliver it. It was not in the least a good speech, but it was the sort +of speech they expected, and, better still, it was the sort of speech +they wanted. Everybody was too excited to be critical, and I sat down, +perspiring and thankful, amid enthusiasm. + +Then came the most trying ordeal of all--questions. + +I am no hand at repartee; but practice had sharpened my faculties +in this direction, and I had, moreover, become fairly conversant +with the type of query to which the seeker after knowledge on these +occasions usually confines himself. The great secret is to bear in +mind the fact that what people want in one's reply is not accurate +information--unless, of course, you are standing for a Scottish +constituency, and then Heaven help you!--but something smart. If you can +answer the question, do so; but in any case answer it in such a way as +to make the questioner feel small. Then you will have your audience with +you. + +To prevent unseemly shouting (and, _entre nous_, to give the Candidate a +little more time to polish up his impromptus), the questions were handed +up on slips of paper and read aloud, and answered _seriatim_. They were +sorted and arranged for me by Robin, and I not infrequently found, among +the various slips, a question usually coming directly after a regular +poser, in Robin's handwriting, with a brilliant and telling reply +thoughtfully appended. + +This evening as usual Robin collected the slips from the stewards, and +ultimately laid them on the table before me. I rose, and started on the +heap. The first was a typewritten document which had been handed up by a +thoughtful-looking gentleman in the front row. It contained a single +line-- + +_Are you a Liberal or a Conservative?_ + +This was a trifle hard, I thought, coming directly after my speech; but +fortunately the audience considered it merely funny, and roared when I +remarked pathetically, "This gentleman is evidently deaf." + +Then came the question-- + +_Are you in favour of Woman's Suffrage?_ + +This was no novelty, and was fortunately regarded by the gallant +electors present as a form of comic relief. I adopted my usual plan +under the circumstances, and said-- + +"I am in favour, sir, of giving a woman whatever she wants. It is always +well to make a virtue of necessity." + +This homely and non-committal gibe satisfied most of the audience, and I +was about to proceed to the next question when my interlocutor, a +litigious-looking man with blue spectacles, rose in the circle and +cried-- + +"You are evading the question, sir! Give me an answer. Are you in favour +of Woman's Suffrage or not?" + +"That's fair! Give him his answer!" came the cry from the fickle +audience. + +I was quite prepared for this. I went through an oft-rehearsed and not +uneffective piece of pantomime with Kitty, and replied-- + +"Well, sir, I have just inquired of my wife, who is by my side----" + +I paused expectantly. I was not disappointed. There were loud cheers, +during which I seized the opportunity to glance through the next few +questions. Then, as I was not quite ready-- + +"--As she has _always_ been, all through this arduous campaign----" + +_Terrific enthusiasm, while Kitty blushes and bows very prettily; after +which the conversation proceeds on the following lines:_-- + +_Myself_. And she tells me that she does not want any Suffrage of any +kind whatsoever! + +_"Hear, hear!" But some cries of disapproval._ + +_Myself_. I therefore recommend you, sir, to go home and follow my +example---- + +_(Perfect tornado of laughter. Apparently I have made a home-thrust.)_ + +--And after that, if you will come back to me and report the result of +your--er--investigations--(_yells_)--I shall be happy to go into the +matter with you more fully. + +_Triumphant cheers, and the blue-spectacled man collapses._ + +The unfortunate espouser of the cause of the fair having thus been +derided out of court, I took up the next question. It concerned a +long-standing dispute as to the rights of the clergy of various +denominations to enter the local Board Schools,--this was in the days +far preceding the present educational deadlock,--and I felt that I must +walk warily. I talked at large about liberty of conscience and religious +toleration, but realised as I rambled on that my moderate views and want +of bigotry in one direction or the other were pleasing no one. John Bull +is a curious creature. You may get drunk and beat your wife, and he will +tolerate you; you may run amok through most of the Decalogue, and he +will still be your friend; but venture to worship your Maker in a +fashion which differs one tittle from his own, and he will put down his +pint-pot or desist from sanding the sugar and fell you to the earth. I +was glad to get away from this subject, leaving the audience far from +satisfied, and turn to the next question. It said-- + +_Is the Candidate aware that the important township of Spratling is +entirely without a pier or jetty of any description?_ + +"Certainly I am aware of it," I replied, trying hard to remember where +the place was. The audience began to titter, and I felt uneasy. + +My questioner, a saturnine gentleman in the pit, rose to his feet and +continued-- + +"And if returned to Parliament, will you exert your influence to see +that a jetty is constructed there at the earliest opportunity?" + +"Cer----" There was a very slight movement beside me. Robin was leaning +back unconcernedly in his chair, but on the table under my nose lay a +sheet of paper bearing these words in large printed capitals-- + +SPRATLING IS TEN MILES FROM THE SEA! + +It had been a near thing. + +"Certainly," I continued. "On one condition only," I added at the top of +my voice, above the rising tide of mocking laughter,--"on condition that +you, sir, will personally guarantee a continuous and efficient service +of fast steamers between Spratling and--the sea-coast!" + +It was not a brilliant effort. I think I could have made more of it if I +had had more time. But it served. How they laughed! + +But there were breakers ahead. The next question asked if I was in +favour of compulsory land purchase and small holdings. Of course I was +not; but if I said so I knew I should rouse a dangerous storm, for the +community were much bitten at the time with the "Vine and Fig-tree +Fetish," as some one had happily described it. If, on the other hand, I +said Yes, I should, besides telling a lie,--though, as Cash once +remarked to me, "You can't strain at gnats on polling-day,"--be +committing myself to a scheme, which I knew Stridge had been strongly +urging, for dividing up some of the estate of the Lord of the Manor, the +Earl of Carbolton (whom I knew personally for one of the wisest and most +considerate landlords in the country) into allotments for the benefit of +an industrial population who probably thought that turnips grew on +trees. It would have been easy to make some easily broken promise, but I +have my poor pride, and I never offer the most academic blessing to a +measure that I am not prepared to go into a Lobby for. I wanted time to +think. Perhaps Robin would slip something on to the table. I accordingly +played my usual card, and said-- + +"Now this, gentleman, is an important question, and I am very glad it +has been asked." (Oh, Adrian, my _boy_!) "And when I am faced with such +a question, I always ask myself, 'What, under the circumstances, would +be the course of action of--our great leader?'" + +The device succeeded, and the theatre resounded with frenzied cheers. I +turned to Robin. He was not there. + +I swung round in Kitty's direction. She had left her chair, and was +hurriedly making her way through the group of important nobodies behind +me in the direction of the wings. Robin was there already, in earnest +conversation with a girl. + +It was Dolly. + +Phillis? + + + + +CHAPTER FOURTEEN. + +"TO DIE--WILL BE AN _AWFULLY_ BIG ADVENTURE!" + +--_Peter Pan_. + + +Two minutes later we were driving back to the Cathedral Arms. It was +snowing heavily, but I never noticed the fact. Neither did I realise +that I had abandoned my post at a critical and dangerous moment, and +left my friends on the platform to explain to a puzzled and angry +audience why the Candidate had run away without answering their +questions. But there are deeper things than politics. + +Phillis, we learned from Dolly, had been attacked by violent pains early +in the evening; and about nine o'clock there had been a sudden rise of +temperature, with slight delirium, followed by a complete and alarming +collapse. Dr Farquharson had been sent for, hot-foot, from Stridge's +platform, and his first proceeding had been to summon me from mine. + +He was waiting for us in the hall of the hotel when we arrived, and +Kitty and I took him into our sitting-room and, parent-like, begged to +be told "the worst." + +The doctor--a dour and deliberate Scot--declined to be positive, but +"doubted" it might be perityphlitis. "Appendicitis is a more fashionable +term," he added. The child had rallied, but was very ill, and nothing +more could be done at present except keep her warm and afford relief by +means of poultices and fomentations until the malady should take a +definite turn for the better or the worse. + +"In either case we shall know what to do then," he said; "but for the +present the bairn must just fight her own battle. Has she good health, +as a rule?" + +Yes, thank God! she had. Physically she was frail enough, but she +possessed a tough little constitution. After I had taken a peep into the +room where the poor child, a vision of tumbled hair and wide bright +eyes, lay moaning and tossing, I left Kitty and Dolly and the doctor to +do what they could for her, and went downstairs to take counsel with my +friends. + +Now that the first shock was past, my head was clear again, and my +course lay plain before me. Downstairs I found Robin, Champion, and Cash +silently taking supper. + +"Now, gentlemen," I said, when I had answered Robin's anxious +inquiries--I believe he loved the child almost as much as I did--"this +misfortune has come at a bad time; but one thing is quite plain, and +that is that I must go through with the election. I quite see that I am +not my own master at present." + +Cash looked immensely relieved. Evidently he had been afraid that I +would throw up the sponge. Robin and Champion nodded a grave assent, and +the latter said-- + +"You are right, Adrian. It's the only thing to do." + +"That's true," said Cash. "I am sure you have our deepest sympathy, Mr +Inglethwaite, but we can't possibly let you off on any account." + +It was not a very happy way of putting it, but Cash was an election +agent first and a man afterwards. + +"It was bad enough your running away from the meeting to-night," he +continued, in tones which he tried vainly to keep from sounding +reproachful. "They'd have torn the benches up if Mr Fordyce hadn't let +'em have it straight. I'm afraid it will cost us votes to-morrow." + +All this grated a good deal. I could hear Robin begin to breathe through +his nose, and I knew that sign. I broke in-- + +"What did you say to them, Robin?" + +"Say? I don't really know. I assured them that you must have some good +reason for leaving in such a hurry, and persuaded them to keep quiet for +a bit in case you came back. We put up a few more speakers, but the +people got more and more out of hand; and finally, after about five +minutes of Dubberley, they grew so riotous that we ended the meeting." + +"They had every excuse," said I. "They considered themselves defrauded." + +"So they were," said Cash. + +"Of course, if they had _known_," said Champion, "they would have gone +home like lambs." + +"Somehow," said Robin, "I wish they could have been told, Adrian. I +should have liked fine to explain to them that you didn't leave the +meeting just because you couldn't answer that last question." + +"By gum!" Cash had been striving to deliver himself for some time. "Mr +Inglethwaite," he said excitedly, "they must be told at once! We can get +more good out of your little girl's illness than fifty meetings would do +us. You know what the British public are! I'll circulate the real reason +of your departure from the meeting first thing to-morrow morning, and +half the wobblers in the place will vote for you out of sheer +kind-heartedness. I know 'em!" + +The exemplary creature almost smacked his lips. + +There was a tense silence all round the table. Then I said, with some +heat-- + +"Mr Cash, I have delivered myself into your hands, body and soul, ever +since Nomination Day, and I have obeyed you to the letter all through +this campaign. But--I am not going to allow a sick child's sufferings to +be employed as a political asset to-morrow." + +There was a sympathetic growl from the other two. + +"Oh, we shouldn't do it as publicly as all that," said the unabashed +Cash. "Trust me! No ostentation; just an explanatory report circulated +in a subdued sort of way--and perhaps a strip of tan-bark down on the +road outside the hotel--eh? _I_ know how to do it. It'll pay, I tell +you. And there'll be no publicity----" + +I laid my head upon the table and groaned. For three weeks I had had +perhaps four hours' sleep a-night, and I had been worked down to my last +reserve of energy, keeping in hand just enough to meet all the probable +contingencies of to-morrow's election. Dialectics with Cash as to the +market value of a little girl's illness had not been included in the +estimate. I groaned. + +Champion answered for me. + +"Mr Cash, don't you see how painful these proposals are to Mr +Inglethwaite? Put such ideas out of your head once and for all. No man +worthy of the name would accept votes won in such a way." + +There was a confirmatory rumble from Robin. + +"We can't have _ad misericordiam_ appeals here, Mr Cash," he said. + +Champion continued briskly-- + +"Now, Mr Cash, we will get Mr Inglethwaite a drink and send him to bed. +He has not had a decent night's rest for a fortnight. We trust to you +not to talk of the child's illness to anybody,--that is the _only_ way +to avoid making capital of it,--and if you will call here to-morrow +after breakfast I will guarantee that your Candidate will be fit and +ready to go round the polling-booths with you, and"--he put his hand on +my shoulder--"set an example to all of us." + +Cash, completely pulverised, departed as bidden, desolated over this +renunciation of eleemosynary votes; and Robin, Champion, and I finished +our supper in peace,--if one can call it peace when there is no peace. + +Champion was leaving by the night mail, for he had promised to address a +meeting two hundred miles away next day. His cab was already at the +door, and we said good-bye to him on the hotel steps. + +He shook hands with me in silence, and turned to Robin. + +"Three fingers, and not too much soda, and then put him straight to +bed," he commanded. + +Then he turned to me again. + +"Don't sit up and worry, old man," he said. "Go to bed, anyhow. The +doctor and your womenfolk will do all that can be done. Your duties +commence to-morrow. Keep your tail up, and face it out. _Noblesse +oblige_, you know. Good-night." + +He drove away, and Robin and I returned to the sitting-room. + +Robin mixed me a stiff whisky-and-soda. + +"Champion's prescription," he said. "Down with it!" + +I obeyed listlessly. + +"Now come along upstairs with me. You are going to bed. I want to turn +you out a first-class Candidate in the morning--not a boiled owl." + +His cheery masterfulness had its effect, and I suddenly felt a man +again. + +"Never fear!" I said. "I shall go through with it right enough--the +whole business--unless--unless--Robin, old man, supposing--supposing----" + +"Blethers!" said Robin hastily. "She'll be much better in the morning. +Here's your room. Good-night!" + +He shepherded me into my bedroom, shut the door on me, and tiptoed away. + +I really made a determined effort to go to bed. I actually lay down and +covered myself up, but sleep I could not. After an hour of conscientious +endeavour I rose, inspired with a new idea. + +The doctor had straitly forbidden me to enter Phillis's room; but +opening out of it was the apartment that was used as her nursery. There +would be a fire there: I would spend the rest of the night on a sofa in +front of it. + +I looked at my watch. It was one o'clock. I took a candle, walked softly +down the passage, and let myself quietly into the nursery. The door +leading into Phillis's room was ajar, and a slight smell of some drug or +disinfectant assailed my sharpened senses. + +The room was in darkness, except that a good fire burned in the grate. A +silent figure rose up from before it at my entrance. + +It was Robin. Somehow I was not in the least surprised to see him there. + +"Come along," he said softly. "I was expecting you." + + * * * * * + +We sat there for the rest of the long night. The house was very still, +but every quarter of an hour the Cathedral chimes across the Close--our +rooms lay in a quiet wing of the hotel, which formed a hollow square +with the Cathedral, Chapter-house, and Canonries--furnished a musical +break in the silence. So tensely mechanical does one's brain become +under such circumstances, that presently I found myself anticipating the +exact moment when the next quarter would strike; and I remember feeling +quite disappointed and irritable if, when I said to myself _"Now!"_ the +chime did not ring out for another fifteen seconds or so. Truly, at +three o'clock on a sleepless morning the grasshopper is a burden. + +Once Robin rose softly to his feet and turned towards the door of +Phillis's room. I had not heard any one move there, but when I looked +round Dolly was standing on the threshold. She was wrapped in a +kimono,--I remember its exact colour and pattern to this day, and the +curious manner in which the heraldic-looking animals embroidered upon it +winked at me in the firelight,--and she held an incongruous-looking +coal-scuttle in her hand. It was not by any means empty, but she handed +it to Robin with a little nod of authority and vanished again. + +I looked listlessly at Robin, wondering what he was to do with the +coal-scuttle. He began to cut a newspaper into strips, after which he +picked suitable lumps of coal out of the scuttle and tied them up into +neat little paper packets, half a dozen of which he presently handed +through the door to Dolly. I suppose she placed them noiselessly on the +fire in Phillis's room, but we heard no sound. + +It was a bitterly cold night, and outside the snow was lying thick; so +Robin busied himself with preparing other little packets of coal, and at +intervals throughout the long night he passed them through the door to +the tireless Dolly. + +Various sounds came from within. Occasionally the child suffered spasms +of pain, and we could hear her crying. Then all-wise Nature would grant +the sorely tried little body a rest at the expense of the mind that +ruled it, and poor Phillis would drop into a sort of rambling delirium, +through which we perforce accompanied her. At one time she would be +wandering through some Elysian field of her own; we heard her calling +her mates and proposing all manner of attractive games. (Even +"Beckoning" was included. Once I distinctly heard her "choose" me.) But +more often she was in deadly fear. Her solitary little spirit was too +plainly beset by those nameless ghosts that haunt the borderland +separating the realms of Death from those of his brother Sleep. Once her +voice rose to a scream. + +"Uncle Robin! It's the Kelpie! Stop it! It's coming--it's breaving on +me! Uncle _Robin_! oh----!" + +I looked at Robin. He was sitting gripping the arms of his chair, with +every muscle in his body rigid; and I knew that he, like myself, was +praying God to strike down the cowardly devil that would torment a +child. + +Then I heard, for the first time that night, the soothing murmur of +Kitty's voice. + +"It's all right, dearie. Mother is holding you fast. It shan't hurt you. +There, it's running away now, isn't it? See!" + +Kitty's tones would have lightened the torments of the Pit, and +Phillis's cries presently died down to an uneasy whisper. After a sudden +and curiously pathetic little outburst of singing,--chiefly a jumble of +scraps from such old favourites as "Onward, Christian _Sailors_!"--there +was silence again, and the Cathedral chimed out half-past four. + +Shortly after this the doctor came out of the room with a message from +Kitty that I ought to be in bed. Evidently Dolly had told her about me. + +"How is she now, doctor?" I whispered, disregarding the command. + +"Up and down, up and down. She is making a brave fight of it, poor +lassie, but we can do little at present except stand by and give relief +when the bad fits come." + +"May I go in and see her?" + +"No, no! You could do no good, and she might be frightened if she caught +sight of a large dim figure in the dark. Leave it to the women, and +thank God for them. Hark!" + +Phillis was back in Elysium again. + +"Who's been eating my porridge?" said a gruff little voice. Then came a +rapturous shriek. Evidently the Little Bear had caught Curly Locks in +his bed. We sat listening, while the game ended and another followed in +its place. Suddenly she began to sing again-- + + "Then three times round went that gallant ship, + And three times round went she; + Then three times round went that gallant ship, + And--sank--to the--bottom of the sea--ea--ee--" + +There was a little wailing _rallentando_, and silence. + +"Philly, Philly, _don't_!" It was the only time that night that Kitty +gave any sign of breaking down. The doctor hurried back into the room. +The clock struck five. + + * * * * * + +After that there was a very long silence. It must have lasted nearly an +hour. Then Dolly tiptoed out to us. + +"She's asleep," she whispered. "He says she's a shade better. I want +another coal-packet." + +She took what Robin gave her, and faded away. + +After that I think we dozed in our chairs. The next thing I remember was +a knock at the outer door. I opened my heavy eyes and stirred my stiff +joints. The Boots put his head in, and I realised it was daylight. + +"Half-past eight, sir. Mr Cash is waiting downstairs. Poll's been open +half an hour, he says." + + + + +CHAPTER FIFTEEN. + +TWO BATTLES. + + +Before I left the hotel I struck a bargain with Cash. I would go +anywhere and do anything, but he was to give me a written itinerary of +my movements for the day, clearly stating where I should be at various +times. This document I left in the hands of Dolly, who promised +faithfully to send for me, if--if necessary. + +Then, putting my paternal instincts into my pocket, I braced myself up +and plunged into the vortex of polling-day. + +Truly, if Time is the healer, Work is the anesthetic. In the turmoil of +the crowded streets and polling-booths, I found myself almost as +enthusiastic and whole-hearted as if no little girl of mine were +fighting for life in a darkened room not many streets away. I shook +hands with countless folk, I addressed meetings of the unwashed at +street corners, and received the plaudits or execrations of the +multitude with equal serenity. + +Robin hastened away to the Hide-and-Tallow Works, whence, during the +dinner-hour, he charmed many an oleaginous elector to come and plump for +Inglethwaite, the Man Whom He Knew and Who Knew Him. Gerald and Donkin, +smothered in violets and primroses, were personally conducting a sort of +tumbril, which dashed across my field of vision from time to time, +sometimes full, sometimes empty, but always at full gallop. + +Election "incidents" were plentiful. I was standing in the principal +polling-station at one time, when a gentleman called Hoppett, a cobbler +by persuasion--I think I have already mentioned him as the benignant +individual who used to come to the door of his establishment and pursue +me with curses down the street--came out from recording his vote. He did +not see me, but caught sight of Robin, who had just arrived with a +_posse_ of electors, and was standing by the Returning Officer's table. +Hobbling up, the cobbler shook a gnarled fist under my secretary's nose. + +"I've voted against your man," he shouted. "We're goin' to be rid of the +lot of you this time. Set of reskils!... I've put my mark against +Stridge, I have; and against Inglethwaite's name I've put a picture of a +big boot--one of my own making, too! The big boot!" he screamed +ecstatically--"that's what your man is a-going to get to-day. Set +of----" + +Robin smiled benignantly upon him, and glanced at the Returning Officer. + +"You hear what this gentleman says?" he remarked. + +"I do," replied the official. + +"Is it not a fact that he has annulled his vote by making unnecessary +marks on his voting-paper?" continued Robin solemnly. + +"That is so," assented the Returning Officer. "I'm afraid your vote +won't count this time, Mr Hoppett. Good morning!" + +There was a roar of delighted laughter from friend and foe, and the +fermenting Hoppett was cast forth. + +I succeeded in getting back to the hotel for ten minutes at +luncheon-time. Dolly met me--pale, sleepless, but unbeaten. + +"The doctor is with her just now," she said. "She has been in fearful +pain, poor kiddy; but he has given her a drug of some sort, and she is +easier now." + +"Couldn't I see her, just a moment?" I said wistfully. + +"The answer to that question, sir," replied Dolly, "is in the negative." + +We both smiled resolutely at this familiar tag, and Dolly concluded-- + +"Kitty is lying down. I made her. But she is going to get up when +they--I mean----" + +I detected a curious confusion in her voice. + +"When what?" I asked. + +"Nothing." + +I surveyed my sister-in-law uneasily + +"Are they expecting--a crisis, then?" + +"Yes--a sort of a one." + +"When?" + +Dolly seemed to consider. + +"About five," she said. + +"Hadn't I better be near, in case----?" + +"Where are you to be this afternoon?" + +"Hunnable." + +Dolly nodded her head reflectively. + +"When can you be back?" she asked. + +"I can do it by five, I should think." + +"That will be soon enough. The doctor said that if--you were wanted, it +would be about then. Good-bye, old gentleman!" + +"Good-bye, Dolly! Mind you go to bed." (We seem to have spent a large +portion of that twenty-four hours urging each other to go to bed.) + +Then I went back to work. + +Polling had been brisk during the dinner-hour, and both Cash and Robin +considered that we were doing fairly well. Things would be slack at +Stoneleigh itself during the afternoon, and the obvious and politic +course now was to drive over to the fishing village of Hunnable--I had +only time for one, and this was the most considerable--and catch my +marine constituents as they emerged from the ocean, Proteus-like, +between three and four o'clock. + +I did so, and for the space of an hour and a half I solicited the +patronage of innumerable tarry mariners, until their horny hands +had filled up the voting-papers and my own smelt to heaven of fish. +It was a quarter to five, and dark, before I escaped from the attentions +of a small but pertinacious group of inquirers who wanted to understand +my exact attitude on the question of trawling within the three-mile +limit, and proceeded at a hand-gallop back to Stoneleigh. (That +odoriferous but popular vehicle, the motor-car, was still in the +preceded-by-a-man-ten-yards-in-front-bearing-a-red-flag stage in those +days, and we had to rely on that antiquated but much more reliable +medium of transport, the horse.) The snow lay very heavily in places, +and our progress was not over-rapid. Moreover, passing the central +Committee Rooms on my way to the hotel, I was stopped and haled within +to conciliate various wobblers, and another twenty minutes of precious +time sped. But I stuck to my determination to let nothing interfere with +duty that day, and I argued with free-thinkers and pump-handled bemused +supporters until all was settled and Cash said I might go. + +Still, it was nearer six than five when my panting horses drew up at the +Cathedral Arms. + +There was no Dolly to receive me this time, but at the top of the stairs +leading to our rooms I met the doctor. He was accompanied by a +grey-haired, kind-eyed old gentleman in a frock-coat, with "London +Specialist" written all over him. It was Sir James Fordyce. + +"Well?" I asked feverishly as I shook hands. + +The two men motioned me into the sitting-room, and Farquharson said, in +a curiously uncertain fashion-- + +"Mr Inglethwaite, we have done a thing which should not, properly, have +been done without your consent. Your secretary suggested the idea, and I +agreed. Mrs Inglethwaite made a point of our saying nothing to you, and +volunteered to take all responsibility on herself. She said you were not +to be worried. So I wired for Sir James----" + +"I see," I said, "and he operated?" + +"Yes, at three o'clock this afternoon. Indeed, your sister-in-law, I +think, purposely concealed from you----" + +"She did." That, then, was the "crisis" that Dolly had in her mind, and +that, too, was why she had told me to come back at five--when everything +would be well over! + +I continued-- + +"And how have you--I mean--is she----?" + +"The operation," said the old man, "was entirely successful, and, as it +turned out, most necessary. But of course for so young a patient the +strain was terrible." + +"How is she?" + +"She came through finely, but I do not conceal from you the fact that +her life hangs by a thread." + +I had a premonition that something was going to be "broken" to me. I +dropped into a chair, and waited dully. Then I felt a hand on my +shoulder, and Sir James continued-- + +"Just weakness, you understand! Her exhaustion when she came out of the +chloroform was extreme, but every moment now is in our favour. Children +have such extraordinary recuperative power." + +He was speaking in the usual cheery tones of the bedside optimist. I +raised my head. + +"Tell me straight, Sir James--will the child live?" + +The old man's grip on my shoulder tightened just for a moment, and when +he spoke it was in an entirely unprofessional voice. + +"Thanks to two of the bravest and most devoted of women," he said, "I +think she will." + +I dropped my head into my hands. + +"Please God!" I murmured brokenly. + +"Of course," he continued, "anything may happen yet. But the way in +which she has been cared for by my good friend here----" + +"No, no," said Farquharson. "Give the credit to those that deserve it. I +just afforded ordinary professional assistance. It was your wife and her +sister, Mr Inglethwaite, that pulled the child through. She has had +tight hold of a hand of one of them ever since ten o'clock last night." + +"Yes," said Sir James; "I think it will be found that their nursing has +just made the difference. You had better give him something, +Farquharson." + +In truth I needed something, though up to this point I had not realised +the fact. Farquharson gave me a draught out of a little glass, which +sent a steadying glow all through me, and presently I was able to shake +hands, dumbly and mechanically, with the great surgeon, who, I found, +was bidding me good-bye; for the world is full of sick folk, and their +champion may not stay to see the issue of one battle before he must +hurry off to fight another. + +They left me to myself, while Farquharson went down to the door with Sir +James. Presently he returned. + +"I must be getting back to the patient shortly," he said. "The next hour +or so will be very critical. The nurse is here, and I have sent the +ladies to bed. But you may go in for a look, if you like. I am going out +for exactly ten minutes." + +"I see--a breather. You deserve it." + +"Not exactly. I'm going to vote--for Stridge!" + +He chuckled in a marvellously cheering way, and left me. + +As I approached Phillis's room the door opened, and I was confronted +with that most soothing and comforting of sights to a sick man--a +nurse's uniform. She was a pleasant-faced girl, I remember, and she was +carrying a basin full of sponges and water, cruelly tinged. + +"Just a peep!" she said, with that little air of motherly sternness +which all women, however young, adopt towards fractious children and +helpless males. + +She closed the door very softly upon me, and left me alone. + +For a moment I stood uncertain in the shadow of the screen that guarded +the door. There was a whiff of chloroform in the air, and through the +doorway leading to the room where we had sat throughout the previous +night I could see the end of a white-covered table. Thank God, that part +of the business was over! + +A shaded lamp burned at Phillis's bedside. She lay deathly still, an +attenuated little derelict amid an ocean of white bed-clothes. + +At first I thought I was alone with the child, and was moving softly +forward when I became suddenly aware that some one was kneeling at the +far side of the bed. It was Kitty. Evidently she had not obeyed the +doctor's orders about going to bed. + +A single ray from the lamp fell upon her face. Her eyes were wide open, +and she seemed to be looking straight at me. Her lips were moving, and I +became aware that she was speaking, very earnestly and almost inaudibly. + +I stood still to hear her. Then I realised that her words were not +addressed to me. Very carefully I stepped back to the door-handle, +turned it, and slipped out. + + + + +CHAPTER SIXTEEN. + +"QUI PERD, GAGNE." + + +Once more I was back in the thick of it all, and till the closing of the +poll at eight o'clock I strove, in company with Cash, Robin, and others, +to direct the inclinations of my constituents into the proper channels. + +The tumult increased as the evening advanced. More snow had fallen +during the afternoon, and outlying electors were being conveyed to the +scene of action with the utmost difficulty. People were voting at seven +o'clock who had intended to get it done and be home by six; and as time +wore on it was seen that there would be a desperate rush of business +right up till closing time. + +Every one was in high spirits. That potent factor in British politics, +the electioneering egg, had been entirely superseded by the snowball, +and the youth of Stoneleigh, massed in the public square outside the +Town Hall, were engaged, with a lofty indifference to party distinctions +that would have been sublime if it had not been so painful, in an +untrammelled bombardment of all who crossed their path. + +At length the Cathedral chimed out the hour of eight, and the poll +closed. Cash hurried up to me. + +"It's going to be a desperately close thing," he said. "The counting +will begin at once, in the Mayor's room on the first floor of the Town +Hall. The outlying boxes should be in by half-past nine at the latest, +and the result should be out by about eleven. You'll come and watch the +counting, I suppose." + +But there are limits to human endurance. + +"Mr Cash," I said, buttoning my overcoat up to my ears as a preliminary +to an encounter with the budding statesmen outside, "I think I have got +to the end of my day's work. Nothing can affect the result now, and I'm +going home--that's flat. Good-night!" + +"Surely you're coming to hear the result announced," wailed Cash. +"There's the vote of thanks to the Returning Officer. You'll have to +propose that--or second it," he added grimly. + +"Well, I'll see. But I think, now that the poll is closed, that my duty +lies elsewhere," I said. "If I am really wanted, send word by Mr +Fordyce." + +Five minutes later, and I was once more at the Cathedral Arms. The +ground floor of that hostelry hummed like a hive, and the bar and +smoking-room were filled to overflowing with supporters of both sides, +who were prudently avoiding all risk of disappointment by celebrating +the result of the election in advance. + +I pushed my way through a group of enthusiastic patriots--many of them +in that condition once described to me by a sporting curate as "holding +two or three firkins apiece"--who crowded round me, fired with a desire +to drink success to the British Constitution--a rash shibboleth, by the +way, for gentlemen in their situation to attempt to enunciate at all--at +my expense, and hastened upstairs to our wing. + +In the passage I met the nurse. She greeted me with a little smile; but +I was mistrustful of professional cheerfulness that night. + +"Will you tell Mrs Inglethwaite or Miss Rubislaw that I have come in, +please?" I said, and turned into the sitting-room. + +The sight of a snug room or a bright fire or a colossal arm-chair is +always comforting to a weary man, even though his thoughts admit of +little rest. I sank down amid these comforts, and closed my eyes. Now +that my long day's play-acting was over, and nothing mattered any more, +I began to realise how great the strain had been. I was utterly done. I +had no clear recollection of having tasted food since breakfast, but I +was not hungry. All I wanted was to be left in peace. Even the sickening +anxiety about Phillis had died down to a sort of dull ache. In a few +minutes a too-wakeful mind struggled with an exhausted body. I wondered +dimly when somebody would come and tell me how Philly was. Perhaps---- + +I fell asleep. + +I was awakened by the consciousness of a second presence in my +arm-chair, which was a roomy one of the saddle-bag variety. It was +Kitty. Presently I became aware that she was crying, softly, as women +usually do,--men gulp noisily, because they have lost control of +themselves, and children wail, chiefly to attract attention,--but so +softly on this occasion that I knew she was trying to avoid disturbing +me. + +It had happened, then. + +Well, obviously, this was one of the rare occasions upon which a husband +can be of some use to his wife. I sat up, and made a clumsy effort at a +caress. + +"We've still got each other," I said, rather brokenly. + +Kitty positively laughed. + +"Adrian, you don't understand. Philly roused up for a few minutes about +eight o'clock,--very _piano_, poor mite, but almost herself,--and then +dropped off into a beautiful sleep, bless her! The doctor has gone home +and left the nurse in charge. He says things should be all right now. +Oh, Adrian, Adrian!" + +And my wife sobbed afresh. + +"Then what the--what on earth are you crying for?" I demanded. + +"I don't know, dear," said Kitty, without making any attempt to stop. +"I'm so happy!" + +Really, women are the most extraordinary creatures. Here was I, after +the labour and anxiety of the last twenty-four hours, ready to shout for +joy. I was no longer tired: I felt as if my day's work had never been. I +wanted to sing--to dance--to give three cheers in a whisper. And my +wife, after giving me a very bad fright, was sitting celebrating our +victory by a flood of tears and other phenomena usually attributed by +the masculine mind to unfathomable woe. It was all very perplexing, and +I felt a trifle ill-used; but I suppose it was one of the things that +mark the difference between a man and a woman. + +After that we sat long and comfortably. Our conversation need not be set +down here, for it has no bearing on this chronicle. + +Finally we looked at the clock, and then at each other. + +"We must have been sitting here a long time," I said. "I wonder where +the others are." + +"By the way," said Kitty, "Dilly and Dicky have arrived. Robin and Dolly +wired for them this morning. They may be upstairs any moment. They were +having supper in the coffee-room when last I saw them." She patted her +hair. "Do I look an awful fright?" + +I turned in the restricted space at my command and surveyed her. + +"Do my eyes look wet?" she inquired, feeling in my pocket for my +handkerchief. + +Kitty has large grey eyes. Once, during the most desperate period of our +courtship, I referred to them as "twin lakes"--an indiscretion which +their owner, in her less generous moments, still casts up to me. But +to-night the territory surrounding them presented a distinct appearance +of inundation. I continued to gaze. I thought of last night's ceaseless +vigil and to-day's long-drawn battle. My wife had borne the brunt of +all, and I had grudged her a few tears! My heart smote me. + +"Kit!" I said suddenly; "poor Kit!"... + +We were interrupted by the opening of the door and the entrance of what +I at first took to be a chimney-sweep's apprentice, but which proved to +be my brother-in-law, with evidence of electoral strenuousness written +thick upon him. + +"Hallo, you two!" he remarked genially. Then, noticing our +unconventional economy of sitting-space--"Sorry! I didn't know. I +thought you'd given up that sort of thing years ago!" + +I rose and shook myself. + +"Come in, my son," I said. + +"Righto!" replied Gerald. Then he addressed himself to a figure which, +with true delicacy of feeling, had shrunk back into the passage outside. + +"Come in, Moke, old man. I've got them separated now!" + +The discreet Master Donkin sidled respectfully in at the door, and +Gerald continued. + +"Moke and I would like to say how pleased we are to hear about Phillis," +he said, rather awkwardly for him. "We have just got to hear how really +bad she's been." + +The resolution was seconded by a confirmatory mumble from Master Donkin. + +"We met the nurse just now," continued Gerald, "and she told us about +the operation, and all that. It must have been a pretty thick day for +you, Adrian. And you're looking pretty rotten, too, Kitty," he added +with brotherly directness. "But do you people know what time it is? +Half-past eleven, nearly. The result should be out any minute. Aren't +you coming to the Town Hall? They'll want you to make a speech, or get +egged, or something." + +I looked at my watch. + +"Well, there's no particular reason why I shouldn't go--_now_," I said. +"What do you say, Kitty? Hark! What's that?" + +"That's the result, I expect," said my brother-in-law. + +We drew up the blind and opened the window. The moon was shining +brightly, and threw the monstrous shadow of the Cathedral very blackly +upon the untrodden snow of the peaceful Close. Through the clear night +air came the sound of frenzied cheering. + +"That's it, right enough," said Gerald. "I wonder if you've got the +chuck, my bonny boy." + +"Ugh! It is cold! Come in," said Kitty. + +We shut the window, drew down the blind, returned to the fire, and +waited. Dolly joined us now, and Kitty vanished to sit by Phillis. We +waited on. Somehow it never occurred to us to send downstairs for news. +I suppose there are times when the human craving for sensation is sated. +We sat and waited. + +At last the door opened, and, as I expected, Robin entered. He looked +like a man who has not been to bed for a week. He shut the door softly +behind him--evidently he feared he might be entering a house of +mourning--and surveyed us for a moment without speaking. I knew what was +in his mind. Then he said-- + +"We have lost." + +I stood up. + +"On the contrary," I replied, "we have won." + +In a bound Robin was on the hearth-rug, gripping my hand with his. (His +other had somehow got hold of one of Dolly's, and I remember wondering +if he was hurting her as much as me.) + +"You mean it?" he roared. + +"I do. She is sleeping like a lamb." + +"Oh, man, I'm just glad! What does _anything_ matter after that?" + +Then we sat down and smiled upon each other largely and vacuously. We +were all a little unstrung that night, I think. After all, it seems +rather unreasonable to lavish one's time, labour, and money on an +electoral contest, and then laugh when you lose, and say it doesn't +matter, just because a child isn't going to die. Oh, I am glad Mr Cash +was not there! + +"But I must tell you what happened when the result was read out," said +Robin. "It was a near thing--a majority of twenty-seven. (I don't think +it is worth while to ask for a recount: everything was done very +carefully.) When the figures went up there was the usual hullabaloo----" + +"We heard it, thanks," said Gerald. + +"And presently Stridge stepped out on to the balcony and bowed his +acknowledgments. There was a lot more yelling and horn-blowing, and then +they began to cry out for Inglethwaite." + +"Naturally. Yes?" + +"They were quiet at last, and Stridge got his speech in. He talked the +usual blethers about having struck a blow that night that would ring +through England,--just what _you_ would have had to say if you had got +in, in fact,--and _then_ he went on, the old sumph, to say that for +reasons best known to himself his _honourable_ opponent had seen fit to +withhold his presence from them that night, and he begged leave to add +that he considered that a man, even though he knew he was going to be +beaten, ought to have the pluck to come and face the music." + +"Mangy bounder!" remarked my brother-in-law dispassionately. + +"Oh, I was just raging!" continued Robin. "The people of course yelled +themselves hoarse; and Stridge was going on to rub it into you, when I +stepped on to the balcony beside him--I had been standing just inside +the window--and I put my hand on Stridge's fat shoulder and I pulled him +back a wee thing, and I roared-- + +"'Gentlemen, will you not let me say a word for Mr Inglethwaite?'" + +Dolly's eyes began to blaze, and I saw her lips part in anticipation. + +"There was a tremendous uproar then," Robin went on with relish. "The +folk howled to Stridge to put me over the balcony----" + +"I wish he had tried!" said Gerald with simple fervour. + +"And other folk cried to me to go on. They knew there must be some +explanation of your absence. I just stood there and let them roar. +Inside the room there was a fine commotion; and with the tail of my eye +I could see Cash hurrying round explaining to them what I wanted to say. +(He has his points, Cash!) Then at last, as the noise got worse and +worse, I put my mouth to Stridge's ear and bellowed that he would regret +it all his life if he didn't let me say what I had to say, and that he +would be grateful to me afterwards, and all that. He is a decent old +buffer, really, and he was evidently impressed with what I said----" + +"I should like to know exactly what you did say, Robin," I interpolated. + +"Never mind just now. Anyhow, he turned and clambered back into the +room, and left me with the crowd. They were soon quiet, and I just told +them." + +Robin leaned back in his chair. + +"Told them _what_?" came from all parts of the room. + +But Robin had become suddenly and maddeningly Caledonian again. + +"I just told them about Philly," he said. "What else could I do? It +wasn't like telling them during the election. That would have been an +appeal to the gallery for votes. This was just common justice to you. +Anyhow, they quite quietened down after that." + +And that was all the report that its author ever gave us of a speech +which, in the space of four minutes, turned a half-maddened election mob +into a silent, a sympathetic, and (I heard afterwards) a deeply moved +body of sober human beings. + +"What happened next?" asked Kitty, who had rejoined us. (Phillis was +still sleeping sweetly, she said.) + +"After that I hauled old Stridge on to the balcony again and gave him a +congratulatory hand-shake, _coram populo_, on your behalf. Then I +retired and slipped out by a back way and came here. Stridge was in full +eruption again when I left----" + +Dolly held up her hand. + +"What is that curious noise?" she said. + +"It's outside," said Kitty. + +Gerald went to the window and lifted the blind. Then he turned to us. + +"I say," he said in an unusual voice, "come here a minute." + +We drew up the blind and surveyed the scene before us. + +Two minutes before the moon had shone upon an untrodden expanse of snow. +Now the Close was black with people. There must have been two or three +thousand. They stood there in the gleaming moonlight, silent, +motionless, like an army of phantoms. At their head and forefront--I +could see the moonlight glitter on his watch-chain, which lay in a most +favourable position for lunar reflection--stood the newly elected Member +for Stoneleigh, Mr Alderman Stridge. + +Simultaneously there was a knock at the door, and the hall-porter of the +hotel appeared. + +"Mr Stridge's compliments, sir, and he would like to have a word with +you." + +"Go down quickly, Adrian," said Kitty anxiously. "They'll wake Philly!" + +I descended without a word, and passed out into the Close from a French +window on the ground floor. + +I glanced up in the direction of our rooms and noticed that my party +were standing on the balcony outside the sitting-room. I could see +Kitty's anxious face. But she need have had no fear. + +Mr Stridge advanced towards me, silk hat in hand. Behind him stood a +variety of Stoneleigh worthies, and I had time to notice that the group +was composed of an indiscriminate mixture of friends and foes. + +"Mr Inglethwaite, sir," said Stridge, "I should like to shake you by the +hand." + +He did so, as did a few of those immediately around us, in perfect +silence. I wondered what was coming. + +"That is all, sir," said Stridge simply, and not without a certain +dignity. "We shall move off now. We did you a wrong to-night, and we all +of us"--he indicated the motionless multitude with a sweep of his +hand--"agreed to come here in silence, just for a moment, as an +indication of our sympathy and--respect." + +I was unable to speak, which was not altogether surprising. There was +something overwhelming about the dumb kindness of it all,--three +thousand excited folk holding themselves in for fear of disturbing a +sick child,--and I merely shook Stridge's hand again. + +However, I found my voice at last. + +"Mr Stridge," I said, "there is only one thing I will say in response to +your kindness, but I think it is the one thing most calculated to reward +you all for it. To-night my little girl's illness took a favourable +turn. She is now fast asleep, and practically out of danger." + +I saw a great ripple pass over the crowd, like a breeze over a +cornfield, as the news sped from mouth to mouth. Both Stridge's great +hands were on my shoulders. + +"Good lad!" he said. "Good lad!" + +He patted my shoulders again, and then, as if struck by a sudden idea, +he turned and whispered a direction to his lieutenants. I overheard the +words "Market Square," and "A good half mile away." Once more the wave +passed over the cornfield, and without a sound the great concourse +turned to the left and streamed away over the trampled snow, leaving me +standing bareheaded on the steps of the French window, almost directly +below the spot where the unconscious little object of all this +consideration lay fast asleep. + +I returned to the group on the balcony. They had heard most of the +conversation, and Kitty was unaffectedly dabbing her eyes. + +"Well, let us get in out of the cold," I said, suddenly cheerful and +brisk. "I want my supper." + +"Wait a moment," said Robin, "I don't think everything is quite over +yet. What is that? Listen!" + +From the direction of the Market Square came the shouts of a great +multitude. Cheer upon cheer floated up to the starry heavens. The roars +that had greeted the declaration of the poll were nothing to these. +There was a united ring about them that had been lacking in the others. +It was like one whole-hearted many-headed giant letting off steam. + +"A-a-h!" said Kitty. + + + + +CHAPTER SEVENTEEN. + +IN WHICH ALL'S RIGHT WITH THE WORLD. + + +After that we became suddenly conscious of our bodily wants, and +clamoured for supper. + +It was long after midnight, and most of the hotel servants had gone to +bed. But one waiter of political leanings, who had been an enthusiastic +witness of the proceedings in the Close, stood by us nobly. He laid a +table in the sitting-room. He materialised a cold turkey, a brown loaf, +and some tomatoes; and he even achieved table-napkins. Gerald and Donkin +on their part disappeared into the nether regions, and returned bearing +mince-pies and cider. Some one else found champagne and opened it; and +in a quarter of an hour we were left to ourselves by the benignant +waiter round a comfortably loaded table, in a snug room with the fire +burning and the curtains drawn. + +It was an eccentric kind of meal, for every one was overflowing with a +sort of reactionary hilarity; and everybody called everybody else "old +man" or "my dear," and I was compelled to manipulate my food with my +left hand owing to the fact that my wife insisted on clinging tightly to +my right. The only times I got a really satisfactory mouthful were when +she slipped out of the room to see how her daughter was sleeping. + +As the meal progressed, I began to note the exceedingly domestic and +intimate manner in which we were seated round the table, which was small +and circular. Kitty and I sat together; then, on our right, came Dicky +and Dilly, then Gerald and Donkin, each partially obscured from view by +a bottle of cider about the size of an Indian club; and Dolly and Robin +completed the circle. + +The party comported themselves variously. Kitty and I said little. We +were utterly tired and dumbly thankful, and had no desire to contribute +greatly to the conversation; but we turned and looked at one another in +a contented sort of way at times. Dicky and Dilly were still +sufficiently newly married to be more or less independent of other +people's society, and they kept up a continuous undercurrent of +lover-like confidences and playful nothings all the time. Gerald, upon +whom solid food seemed to have the effect that undiluted alcohol has +upon ordinary folk, was stentoriously engaged with Mr Donkin in what a +student of _Paley's Evidences_ would have described as "A Contest of +Opposite Improbabilities" concerning his election experiences. + +Lastly, I turned to Dolly and Robin. Dolly's splendid vitality has stood +her in good stead during the last twenty-four hours, and this, combined +with the present flood-tide of joyous relief, made it hard to believe +that she had spent a day and a night of labour and anxiety. She was much +more silent than usual, but her face was flushed and happy, and somehow +I was reminded of the time when I had watched her greeting the dawn on +the morning after Dilly's wedding. Robin, with the look of a man who has +a hard day's work behind him, a full meal inside him, and a sound +night's sleep before him--and what three greater blessings could a man +ask for himself?--sat beside her, smiling largely and restfully on the +company around him. + +Suddenly Dicky made an announcement. + +"There is one more bottle," he said. "Come on, let's buzz it!" + +He opened the champagne in a highly professional manner and filled up +our glasses. Gerald and Donkin declined, but helped themselves to fresh +jorums of cider. + +Then there was a little pause, and we all felt that some one ought to +make a speech or propose a toast. + +"Shall we drink some healths?" proposed Dilly. + +There was a chorus of assent. + +"We will each propose one," I said, "right round the table in turn. +Ladies first! Yours, Kitty? I suppose it will be Philly--eh?" + +Kitty nodded. + +"Ladies and gentlemen," I announced, "you are asked to drink to the +speedy recovery of Miss Phillis Inglethwaite. This toast is proposed by +her mother, and seconded by her father." + +The toast was drunk with all sincerity, but soberly, as befitted. + +"Now, Dilly," I said, when we were ready again. + +Dilly whispered something to her husband, which was received by that +gentleman with a modest and deprecatory cough, coupled with an urgent +request that his wife would chuck it. + +"He won't announce my toast for me," explained Dilly, turning to +us--"he's too shy, poor dear!--so I'll do it myself. Ladies and +gentlemen, the toast is--Dicky!" + +Dicky's health was drunk with cheers and laughter, and Dilly completed +its subject's confusion by kissing him. + +"Now, Dolly!" said every one. + +"Not yet!" said Dolly. "Gerald and Moke are the next pair. Gerald must +act lady, and think of a toast." + +Master Gerald, hastily bolting a solid mass of mince-pie--one could +almost follow the course of its descent--cheerfully complied. + +"All right," he said; "I think I'll drink the health of old Moke +himself. He's not much to look at, but he's a good sort. I shan't kiss +him, though, Dilly. And," he added, "I think he had better drink mine +too. He looks thirsty. Come on, sonny--no heeltaps!" + +He elaborately linked arms with the now comatose Donkin, and each +thereupon absorbed, without drawing breath, about a pint of cider +apiece. After that, with a passing admonition to his friend not to +burst, my brother-in-law returned to his repast. + +So far, the toasts had all been of a most conventional and inevitable +character. Now, automatically but a little tactlessly, we all turned to +see what Dolly and Robin were going to do. From the standpoint of the +last two toasts they were certainly in a rather delicate position. + +"Come on, you two!" commanded Gerald. "Do something! Make a spring!" + +Robin took up his glass of champagne and turned rather inquiringly to +Dolly. + +Without a word she linked her arm in his, and they drank together. + +"Oh, come, I say, that's not fair! Whose health were you drinking, +Robin, old man?" inquired the tactless Dicky. + +"I was drinking to the future Mrs Fordyce--whoever she may be!" said +Robin, obviously apologetic at being unable to think of anything more +sparkling. + +"Whose health were _you_ drinking, Dolly?" yelled Gerald, with much +enjoyment. + +Then Dolly did a startling thing. + +Robin's hand lay resting on the table beside her. Into it she +deliberately slipped, her own; and then gazed--flushed and defiant, but +proud and smiling--round a circle composed entirely of faces belonging +to people suffering from the gapes. + +I glanced at Robin. He looked perfectly dumfounded, but I saw his hand +close automatically round Dolly's fingers, and I saw, too, her pink +nails go white under the pressure. + +But Dolly seemed to feel no pain. On the contrary, she continued to +smile upon us. Then, bowing her head quickly, before any of us realised +what she would be at, she lightly kissed the great hand which imprisoned +her own. Then she looked up again, with glistening eyes. + +"There!" she said. "_Now_ you know!" + +Our breath came back, and the spellbound silence was broken. + +"_Dolly_!" said Kitty. + +"My _dear_!" said Dilly. + +"What--_ho_!" drawled Dicky. + +But it was Gerald who rounded off the situation. He was standing on the +table by this time. + +"Three cheers for Dolly and Robin!" he roared. + +We gave them, with full throats. (Fortunately we were a long way from +Phillis's room.) + +After that we all sat down again, feeling a little awkward, as people do +when they have taken the lid off their private feelings for a moment. +Finally Kitty led off with-- + +"But, Dolly, dear, why didn't you tell us? When was it?" + +"I didn't tell you before," said Dolly composedly, "because it has only +just happened--this moment." + +"Only this moment? But----" + +"Do you mean to say he hasn't _asked_ you? Oh----" + +"Are you asking _him_?" + +The questions came simultaneously from all parts of the table; horribly +inquisitive, some of them; but then the thing had been so frankly and +deliberately done, that we knew Dolly wanted to explain everything to us +there and then. + +"I'll tell you," said Dolly, after silence had been restored by the fact +that Gerald had shouted us all down and then stopped himself. "Robin +told me--well--something, six months ago, the night after Dilly's +wedding, at the dance----" + +"That _was_ why you locked the door, then," I said involuntarily. + +Both Robin and Dolly turned upon me in real amazement. But I saw that +this side-issue would interrupt the story. + +"Never mind!" I said. "Go on! I'll explain afterwards." + +"Well," continued Dolly, "he said to me--may I tell them, Robin?" She +turned to the man beside her with a pretty air of deference. Robin, who +up to this point had sat like a graven image, inclined his head, and +Dolly proceeded-- + +"I have never told anybody about this--except Dilly, of course." + +"I've got the letter still," said Dilly. + +"Robin told me," Dolly went on, "that he wasn't going to ask me to marry +him at present, because he had some childish idea--it is perfectly +_idiotic_ to think of; but--he thought he wasn't quite--well, _good_ +enough for me!" + +"What rot!" said Dicky. + +"Muck!" observed Gerald. + +"But he said that he would ask me properly later on, as soon as he +considered that he was good enough," continued Dolly. "And as he still +seems to think," she concluded with more animation, "that he is not +quite up to standard, it occurred to me to-night, as we were all here in +a jolly little party, to notify him that he is. So I did. That's all. +Robin, you are hurting my hand!" + +Robin relaxed his grip at last, and remorsefully surveyed the bloodless +fingers that lay in his palm. Then, with a rather shamefaced look all +round the table, as much as to say--"I should like fine to restrain +myself from doing this before you all, but I _can't_!"--he bent his head +and kissed them in his turn. + +And that was how Robin and Dolly plighted their troth at last--openly, +without shame, and for all to see. + + * * * * * + +Robin and I lingered at the turning of a passage, lit only by our two +flickering bedroom candles. + +"Well, we can't complain of having had an uneventful day," I said. + +"I'm sorry we didn't scrape other twenty-eight votes," said Robin +characteristically. + +"Never mind!" I said. "I shall be none the worse of a holiday for a year +or two. If you will kindly take Dolly off our hands as quickly as +possible"--he caught his breath at that--"Kitty and I and Phillis will +go a trip round the world together. Then I'll come home and fight a +by-election, perhaps." + +"Meanwhile," said Robin, "you will be having no further need of a +private secretary." + +"I'm afraid not," I said. The fact had been tugging at my conscience for +the last two hours. "And that raises another question. What are you two +going to live on?" + +"Champion wants me," said Robin. "He has offered me the post of +Secretary to that Royal Commission of which he has been appointed +Chairman. It is a fine opening." + +"I should think it was!" I said with whole-hearted joy. "Good luck to +you, Robin!" + +"Thank you!" said Robin. "Still," he added, as he turned to go, "I wish +I could have found you twenty-eight more votes." + +"Between ourselves," I said, "I don't mind very much. I am not the right +man for this constituency. It has outgrown me. I have not the knack of +handling a big crowd. What I want is a fine old crusted unprogressive +seat, where I shan't constantly be compelled to drop my departmental +work and rush down to propitiate my supporters with untruthful +harangues. I'm a square peg here. Now, if they had wanted a really fit +and proper candidate for this Parliamentary Division, Robin, they ought +to have approached _you_." + +"Och!" said Robin carelessly, "they did--a month ago! Good night!" + + + + +CHAPTER EIGHTEEN. + +A PROPHET IN HIS OWN COUNTRY. + + +An old woman in a white mutch stands at the door of a farmhouse in a +Scottish glen. Her face is wrinkled, and her dim eyes are peering down +the track which leads from the steading to the pasture. Being apparently +unable to focus what she wants to see she adjusts a pair of spectacles. + +This action brings into her range of vision a distant figure which is +engaged in shepherding a herd of passive but resisting cows through a +gap in the dyke. It is a slow business, but the procession gradually +nears home; and when the man at the helm succeeds in steering his +sauntering charges safely between the Scylla of a hay-rick and the +Charybdis of the burn, the old lady takes off her spectacles and relaxes +her vigilance. + +When she looks again, though, she breaks into an exclamation of dismay. +The leaders of the straggling procession have safely reached the door of +the byre close by; but one frisky young cow, suddenly swerving through +an open gate, breaks away down a sloping field of turnips at a lumbering +gallop. The herdsman is out of sight round a bend in the road. + +"The feckless body!" observes the old lady bitterly. Then she raises her +voice. + +"Elspeth!" + +A reply comes from within the dairy. + +"Ay, mem?" + +"You'll need tae leave the butter and help Master Robert. He's no hand +with the kye. He's let Heatherbell intill the neeps. And the maister is +away at----" + +With a muffled "Maircy me!" a heated young woman shoots out of a side +door and proceeds at the double to the assistance of the incompetent +cow-herd. + +At length the animals are rounded up into the byre, and Elspeth proceeds +with the milking. + +Meanwhile Master Robert, "the feckless body," stands in a rather +apprehensive attitude before the old lady. He is a huge man of about +forty-five. He is clean-shaven, and he has humorous grey eyes and dark +hair. Despite his homespun attire, he looks more like a leader of men +than a driver of cattle. + +"Robin Fordyce," says the old lady severely, "what garred ye loose +Heatherbell in among the neeps. + +"I'm sorry, mother. But I met Jean M'Taggart in the road, and--we +stopped for a bit crack." + +The old lady surveys her son witheringly over her glasses. + +"Dandering wi' Jean M'Taggart at your time of life! I'll sort Jean +M'Taggart when I see her. It's jist like her tae try and draw a lad from +his duty. And you! A married man these fifteen years! 'Deed, and it's +time yon lady wife of yours cam' here from London, tae pit a hand on +you." + +The big man's penitent face lights up with sudden enthusiasm. + +"She is coming to-morrow!" he roars exultantly. + +"Aye, you may pretend tae be glad! But she shall hear aboot Jean +M'Taggart all the same," replies the old lady. + +This, of course, is a tremendous joke, and the inquisition is suspended +while mother and son chuckle deeply at the idea of Dolly's desperate +jealousy. Suddenly Mrs Fordyce breaks off to ask a question. + +"Did ye mind tae shut the gate of the west field?" + +Robin thinks, and then raises clenched hands to heaven in an agony of +remorse. + +His mother groans in a resigned sort of way. + +"Run!" she says, "or ye'll hae all the sheep oot in the road! Get them +back, and I'll no' tell David on ye!" + +Her son bounds away down the slope, but a further command pursues him. + +"An' come back soon! I'll no' be getting you tae myself over much +after--to-morrow!" + +She sits down again in her chair outside the door in the afternoon sun; +for she is getting infirm now, and cannot stand up for long. With an +indulgent sigh she surveys the flying figure of the Right Honourable Sir +Robert Chalmers Fordyce, Privy Councillor and Secretary of State, as he +frantically endeavours to overtake and head off three staid ewes, who, +having strayed through the open gate, have just decided upon a walking +excursion to London. + +"A good lad!" she murmurs contentedly. "A good lad, and a good son; and +dae'n' weel. But--he's no' just David. It was always David that had the +heid on him." + + * * * * * + +A prophet, we know, has no honour in his own country. Fortunately some +prophets prefer that this should be the case. + + +THE END. + + +PRINTED BY WILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SONS. + + + + +_BY THE SAME AUTHOR._ + + * * * * * + + Crown 8vo, 6s. + + A MAN'S MAN. + + _Fourth Impression._ + Popular Edition, Cloth, 1s. net. + + * * * * * + + Crown 8vo, 6s. + + THE RIGHT STUFF. + + _Sixth Impression._ + Popular Edition, Cloth, 1s. net. + + * * * * * + + Crown 8vo, 6s. + + PIP. + + _Fourth Impression._ + Popular Edition, Cloth, 1s. net. + + * * * * * + + Crown 8vo, 6s. + + A SAFETY MATCH. + + _Third Impression._ + + * * * * * + + WILLIAM BLACKWOOD & SONS, + Edinburgh and London. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Right Stuff, by Ian Hay + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE RIGHT STUFF *** + +***** This file should be named 20904.txt or 20904.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/9/0/20904/ + +Produced by LM Bornath + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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