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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Substance of a Dream , by F. W. Bain
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: The Substance of a Dream 
+
+
+Author: F. W. Bain
+
+
+
+Release Date: March 29, 2007  [eBook #20935]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SUBSTANCE OF A DREAM ***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Thierry Alberto, Sankar Viswanathan, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+THE SUBSTANCE OF A DREAM
+
+Translated from the Original Manuscript
+
+by
+
+F. W. BAIN
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                 _Mix, with sunset's fleeting glow,
+                 Kiss of friend, and stab of foe,
+                 Ooze of moon, and foam of brine,
+                 Noose of Thug, and creeper's twine,
+                 Hottest flame, and coldest ash,
+                 Priceless gems, and poorest trash;
+                 Throw away the solid part,
+                 And behold--a woman's heart._
+
+                                       NIDRÁDARPANA
+
+
+
+
+
+Methuen & Co. Ltd.
+36 Essex Street W.C.
+London
+Second Edition
+First Published . October 16th 1919
+Second Edition ... 1919
+
+
+
+
+
+
+DEDICATED
+
+to
+
+THE INEXPRESSIBLY GENTLE GENIUS
+
+of
+
+MY OWN MOTHER
+
+
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+
+I could almost persuade myself, that others will like this little
+fable as much as I do: so curiously simple, and yet so strangely
+profound is its delicate epitome of the old old story, the course of
+true love, which never did run smooth.
+
+And since so many people have asked me questions as to the origin of
+these stories, I will say a word on the point here. Where do they come
+from? I do not know. I discovered only the other day that some believe
+them to have been written by a woman. That appears to me to be
+improbable. But who writes them? I cannot tell. They come to me, one
+by one, suddenly, like a flash of lightning, all together: I see them
+in the air before me, like a little Bayeux tapestry, complete, from
+end to end, and write them down, hardly lifting the pen from the
+paper, straight off "from the MS." I never know, the day before, when
+one is coming: it arrives, as if shot out of a pistol. Who can tell?
+They may be all but so many reminiscences of a former birth.
+
+The _Substance of a Dream_ is half a love-story, and half a fairy
+tale: as indeed every love-story is a fairy tale. Because, although
+that unaccountable mystery, the mutual attraction of the sexes, is the
+very essence of life, and everything else merely accidental or
+accessory, yet only too often in the jostle of the world, in the
+trough and tossing of the waves of time, the accidental smothers the
+essential, and life turns into a commonplace instead of a romance. And
+so, like every other story, this little story will perhaps be very
+differently judged, according to the reader's sex. The bearded critic
+will see it with eyes very different from those with which it may be
+viewed by the fair voter with no beard upon her chin; for women, as
+the great god says at the end, have scant mercy on their own sex, and
+the heroine of the story is a strange heroine, an enigmatical Mona
+Lisa, so to say, who will not appeal to everybody so strongly as she
+does to the Moony-crested Deity, when he sums her up at the close. I
+venture, with humility, to concur in the opinion of the Deity, for she
+holds me under the same spell as her innumerable other lovers. The
+reader, a more formidable authority even than the god, must decide:
+only I must warn him that to understand, he must go to the very end.
+He will not think his time wasted, if he take half the delight in
+reading, as I did, in transcribing, the evidence in the case. Only,
+moreover, when he closes the book will he appreciate the mingled
+exactitude and beauty of its name: for no story ever had a name which
+fitted it with such curious precision as this one. For the essence of
+a dream is always that along with its weird beauty, it counters
+expectation, often in such queer, ludicrous, kaleidoscopic ways. So it
+is, here.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Many bitter things, since the beginning, have men said of women,
+though neither so many nor so bitter, as the witty Frenchman cynically
+remarks, as the things women have said of one another. Poor Eve has
+paid very dear for that apple: the only wonder is, that she was not
+made responsible also for the Flood: but we have not got the whole of
+that story: Noah's wife may have dropped some incriminating documents
+into the water, for the Higher Criticism to unearth by and by: the
+Eternal Feminine may have had a hand in it after all, as she is
+generally to be found somewhere behind the scenes, wherever mischief
+brews for mortal man. She comes down the ages, loaded with
+accusations; and yet, somehow or other, they do not seem to have done
+her much harm. And the reason is, that she possesses, in supreme
+perfection, the art of disarming her antagonist, having been very
+cunningly constructed by the Creator for that very purpose: she is
+like a cork; she will not drown, under any flood of charges: she
+floats, _quand même_: (two words that she might very well take, like
+the inimitable Sarah, for her motto:) so that, be as angry as you
+please with her, you generally find yourself not only unable to
+condemn her, but even ready to beg her pardon, and rather glad, on the
+whole, to get it. It is a hopeless case. And all the more, because no
+woman ever lived, bad or good, who could be got to understand what is
+meant by "playing cricket": you cannot make her keep the rules in any
+game: she plays to win, like a German, and invariably cheats, if she
+can: international law counts, only as long as it is for and not
+against her: if you find her out, and scold her, she pouts, and will
+not play. And then, if, as is commonly the situation, you want her to
+play, very badly, what are you to do? Yes, it is a hopeless case.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+And yet, if we look into the matter with that stern impartiality which
+its public importance demands, we may perceive, that though there is,
+it must be candidly owned, an element of truth in the charges brought
+against her, they are founded, for all that, largely on
+misunderstanding. It is man himself, her accuser, who is very nearly
+always to blame. His intelligence as compared with her own, is clumsy:
+(it is the difference between the dog and the cat:) he does not
+realise the unfathomable gulf that divides her nature from his own,
+and for lack of imaginative tact, judging her by himself, he
+enormously overestimates the part played by reason in her behaviour.
+Hence when, as she is always doing, she lets him down, he breaks out,
+(obtusely) into denunciation and reproach, taking it for granted, that
+what she did, she did, deliberately. But that is his mistake. Women
+never act by deliberation, least of all in their relations with men.
+Reason has hardly anything to do with it. A woman is a weapon,
+designed by the Creator, who generally knows what he is doing, to
+fascinate the other sex: that is her essence and her _raison d'être_:
+the woman who does not do it is a failure, and she is Nature's triumph
+and entelechy, who does it best. And this every woman knows, by
+instinct, and feels, long before she knows it, almost as soon as she
+can stand upon her feet: consequently, no artificially elaborated
+compliment, no calculated flattery, ever touches her so near, as it
+does, when she perceives that her personality _tells_, acts like a
+charm, on any given man: a point about which no woman ever blunders,
+as a man often so ridiculously does about himself: she invariably
+detects, by unerring instinct, when her arrow hits its mark. And this
+involuntary homage she finds so irresistibly delectable, going as it
+does down to the very depths of her being, and endorsing it, that she
+literally _cannot_ deny herself the pleasure of basking in it, making
+hay, so to say, while her sun shines, revelling in the consciousness
+of her power all the more delicious because she knows only too well
+that she must lose it later on, as youth flies: old age, _i.e._ the
+loss of her charm, being every woman's ogre, the skeleton in her
+cupboard, which she dreads far more than death, just as the only
+disease which she shudders to face is the smallpox, for a similar
+reason. And so, when she finds her spell working, she lets herself go:
+never dreaming what interpretation her victim puts on her behaviour:
+and then, all at once, she awakes to discover with what fire she was
+ignorantly playing. And then it is, that she recoils, on the verge:
+and then it is, that thwarted in the very moment that he deemed
+triumph secured, the baffled lover falls into fury and abuse, because
+he imagines her to have been all along clearly aware of what she was
+about, which is exactly what hardly one woman in a million does. Not
+being a man, she does not understand: her end is only his beginning:
+his object is possession, still to come: hers is already gained in the
+form of the tribute to her charm: she was only playing (every woman is
+a child), he was in deadly earnest, and took her purely instinctive
+self-congratulation for a promise deliberately made. Suddenly
+illuminated, she lets him down abruptly with a bump, all the harder
+that she never meant to do it (the _coquette_ does: but she is a
+horrible professional, methodising feminine instinct, for prey: a
+psychological ghoul, feeding on souls instead of bodies, and deserving
+extermination without benefit of clergy). The real crime of woman is
+not so much a crime as a defect: she is weak, as all the sages know,
+and all languages prove, though "democracy" ignores it; it is her
+strength, and half her charm, that she cannot stand alone, like a
+creeper. But that is why you cannot depend on her, good or bad.
+Irresolution is her essence: she will "determine" one way, and act in
+another, according to the pressure. Instinct, inclination or aversion,
+vanity, emotion, pity or fear, or even mere chance: these are her
+motives, the forces that move her: reason counts with her for
+absolutely nothing, a thing like arithmetic, useful, even
+indispensable, but only for adding up a grocer's bill, or catching a
+train. It has literally nothing to do with her heart. There is no
+folly like the folly of supposing that it has: yet on this folly rest
+most of the accusations against her. Reduce her to a rational being,
+and you degrade her to the level of an inferior man. But she is not
+his inferior: she is his dream, his magnet, his force, his
+inspiration, and his fate. Take her away, and you annihilate him:
+Othello's occupation's gone. Nine-tenths of the great things done in
+the world have been done for a woman. Why? Exactly because she would
+burn down a street to boil her baby's milk. No rational being would do
+that: but we all owe our lives to it.
+
+And hence, misogyny is only a pique. To fall foul of the sea, like
+Xerxes, when it wrecks your ambitions, is to behave as he did, like a
+spoiled child, without the child's excuse. "If you burn your fingers,
+is the flame to blame?" You should have known better. When Aristotle
+was reproved, by some early political economist, for giving alms to a
+beggar, he replied: I gave not to the man, but humanity. Admirable
+retort! which is exactly in point here. When she requited your homage
+with such encouraging smiles, it was not _you_ but the man in you,
+that appealed to her. And because you are _a_ man, are you necessarily
+_the_ man? Not at all. And argument is mere waste of time: reason is
+not the court of appeal. _If of herself she will not love, nothing
+can make her._ Yet why draw the poet's ungallant conclusion? Why
+should _the devil take her_? Because she was weak (were _you_ not
+weak?) is she therefore to be damned beyond redemption? Because
+flattery was sweet, must she give herself away to every male animal
+that confesses the spell? Surely that is not only harsh, but
+preposterous, even outrageous. Are you sure that your merit is worthy
+of such generosity?
+
+And yet, here is the human catastrophe. Why did the Creator scatter
+his sexual attraction so anomalously that it is so rarely
+reciprocated, each lover pursuing so often another who flies him for a
+third, as in _Midsummer Night's Dream_, an imbroglio oddly enough
+found in a little poem identical in the Greek Moschus and the Hindoo
+Bhartrihari? Was it blunder or design? Why could he not have made
+action and reaction equal and opposite, as they are in mechanics? For
+if affection could not operate at all, unless it was mutual, there
+would be no unhappy, because ill-assorted, marriages. What a
+difference it would have made! Had mutual gravitation been the law of
+the sexes, as it is of the spheres, this Earth would never have stood
+in need of a Heaven, since it would have existed already: for the only
+earthly heaven is a happy marriage. As it is, even when it is not a
+Hell, a marriage is only too often but an everlasting sigh.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+And not marriage only, but life. For here lies the solution of a
+mystery that has baffled the sages, who have failed to discover it
+chiefly because they have blinded themselves by their own theological
+and philosophical delusions, idealism and monotheism. Why is it, that
+gazing at Nature's inexhaustible beauty, thrown at us with such lavish
+profusion in her dawns and her sunsets, her shadows and her moods, in
+the roar of her breakers and the silence of her snows, the gloom of
+her thunder and the spirit of her hills, the blue of her distance and
+the tints of her autumns, the glory of her blossom and the dignity of
+her decay, her heights and her abysses, her fury and her peace--why is
+it, that as we gaze insatiably at these never ending miracles, we are
+haunted by so unaccountable a sadness, which is not in the things
+themselves, for Nature never mourns, but in some element that we
+ourselves import? For if the Soul be only Nature's mirror, her
+looking-glass, whence the melancholy? It is because beneath our
+surface consciousness, far away down below, in the dark organic depths
+that underlie it, we feel without clearly understanding that, as the
+Hindoos put it, we have missed the fruit of our existence, owing to
+our never having found our other half. For every one of us, so far
+from being a self-sufficient whole, an independent unity, is
+incomplete, requiring for its metaphysical satisfaction, its
+complement, apart from which it never can attain that peace which
+passeth all understanding, for which it longs obscurely, and must ever
+be uneasy, till it finds it. For just as no misfortunes whatever can
+avail to mar the bliss of the man who has beside him the absolute
+sympathy of his feminine ideal, so on the other hand no worldly
+success of any kind can compensate for its absence. All particular
+causes of happiness or misery are swallowed up and sink into
+insignificance and nullity compared with this: this present, they
+disappear: this absent, each alone is sufficient to wreck the soul,
+fluttering about without rudder or ballast on the waves of the world.
+Duality is the root, out of which alone, for mortals, happiness can
+spring. And the old Hindoo mythology, which is far deeper in its
+simplicity than the later idealistic pessimism, expresses this
+beautifully by giving to every god his other half; the supreme
+instance of which dualism is the divine Pair, the Moony-crested god
+and his inseparable other half, the Daughter of the Snow: so
+organically symbolised that they coalesce indistinguishably into one:
+the _Arddanárí_, the Being half Male half Female, He whose left half
+is his wife. That is the true ideal: cut in two, and destroyed, by the
+dismal inhuman monotheism of later sophistical speculation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was long before I understood this: the solution came to me
+suddenly, of its own accord, as all profound solutions always come,
+apparently by accident: like a "fluke" in a game of skill, where often
+unskilfulness unintentionally does something that could not be
+achieved by any degree of skill whatever, short of the divine.[1] And
+the two things that combined to produce my spark of illumination were,
+as it so fell out, the two things that mean most to me, a sunset and a
+child. The child was looking at the sunset, and I was looking at the
+child. Some readers of these stories have been introduced to her
+before, and will be obliged to me for renewing the acquaintance, as
+they would be to the postman who brought them news of an old friend.
+
+The sunset was like every other sunset, the garment of a dying deity,
+and a gift of god: but it had a special peculiarity of its own, and it
+was this strange peculiarity that arrested the attention of the child.
+For children are little animals, _terram spectantia_, taking sunsets
+and other commonplaces such as mother, father, home, furniture and
+carpets, generally for granted, being as a rule absorbed in the great
+things of life, that is, play. This child was very diligently blowing
+bubbles, occasionally turning aside up a by-path to make a
+bubble-pudding in the soap-dish: the ruckling noise of this operation
+possessing some magical fascination for all childhood. And in the
+meanwhile, yellow dusk was gradually deepening in the quiet air.
+Presently the tired sun sank like a weight, red-hot, burning his way
+down through filmy layers of Indian ink. The day had been rainy, but
+the clouds had all dissolved imperceptibly away into a broken chain of
+veils of mist, which looked with the sun behind them like dropping
+showers of liquid gold, or copper-coloured waterfalls: while
+underneath or through them the lines of low blue hills showed now half
+obscured, now clear and sharp in outline as if cut with scissors out
+of paper and stuck upon the amber background of the sky. And then came
+the miracle. Right across the horizon, a little higher than the sun, a
+long thin bar of cloud suddenly changed colour, becoming rich dark
+purple, and all along its jagged upper edge the light shot out in one
+continuous sheet of bright glory to the zenith, while below there
+poured from the bar a long cascade, a very Niagara of golden mist and
+rain, as if the flood-gates of some celestial dam had suddenly given
+way, and all the precious stuff were escaping in a cataract through
+the rift, in one gigantic plunge, to be lost for ever in some
+bottomless abyss.
+
+Suddenly, the dead silence struck me: my ear missed the "ruckle," and
+the occasional exclamations of delight. I turned abruptly, and glanced
+at the child. She was standing still as a stone, with one hand just in
+front of her holding the forgotten pipe, arrested on the way to her
+mouth, as the heavenly vision struck her: rapt, lost in her eyes,
+which were filled with wonder to the brim, open-mouthed, entranced,
+with a smile on her lips of which she was totally unconscious, faint,
+involuntary, seraphic, indescribable. The ecstasy of union had
+swallowed her: she was gone. I called her by her name: she never
+heard: her soul was away at the golden gates.
+
+And I said to myself, as I gazed at her with intense curiosity, mixed
+with regret that I was not Raffael, so marvellous was the picture:
+This, this is the wisdom of the sages, the secret of Plotinus and the
+Buddhists: this is Nirwána, Moksha, Yoga, the unattainable ecstasy of
+bliss, the absolute fruition, which men call by many names: the end
+towards which the adult strives, in vain, to recover what he lost by
+ceasing to be a child: a child, which is sexless, knowing as yet
+nothing of the esoteric dissatisfaction of the soul that wants and
+has not found. Aye! to reach the mystic union, the absolute extinction
+of the Knower in the All; to lose one's Self in Infinity, without a
+remnant of regret; to attain to the unattainable, the point of
+self-annihilation where all distinction between subject and object,
+something and nothing, disappears, it is necessary to be a child: to
+be born again. _Rebirth_! the key to the enigma of unhappiness lies
+there!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+And after a while, as I watched her, she came back to herself. Our
+eyes met: and she looked at me long, with a far-off expression that I
+could not define. And at last, she gave a little sigh. Daddy, she
+said, why does the golden rain never fall here? Our rain is always
+only common rain.
+
+And I said solemnly: Little girls are the reason why. But she didn't
+understand. She looked at me reproachfully with puzzled eyes--such
+great, grey, beautiful, sea-green eyes!--and then drew a long breath.
+And she went back to her bubbles, and together we watched them go as
+they floated away into the valley, wild with excitement as to whether
+my bubble or her bubble would go farthest before it burst--till the
+Rhadamanthine summons came, and the Bubble-Blower went to bed.
+
+_Poona_, 1919.
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[Footnote 1: _O quantum est subitis casibus ingenium!_ an exquisite
+line of Martial which ought to be posted on a board on every
+putting-green.]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+I.       ON THE BANKS OF GANGES
+
+II.      THE HEART OF A WOMAN
+
+III.     A STORY WITHOUT AN END
+
+
+
+_The Vignette I owe to the artistic genius of my friend, Arthur
+Hight._
+
+
+
+
+
+
+I
+
+On the Banks of Ganges
+
+BENEDICTION
+
+_What! the Digit of the Moon on his brow, Gangá in his hair, and Gaurí
+on his knee, and yet proof against all Love's arrows! O wonder of
+wonders! who but the greatest of all the gods would not have melted
+long ago, like butter between three fires?_[2]
+
+Now, long ago, it happened, that Párwatí was left alone on Kailàs for
+a little while, as she waited for the Lord of the Moony Tire. And
+having nothing else to do, she amused herself by building an elephant
+of snow, with large ears and a little tail, made of a yak's hair. And
+when it was finished, she was so delighted with her toy, that she
+began to clap her hands: and then, not being able to endure waiting,
+she went off with impatience to fetch the Moony-crested god, to show
+him what she had done, and revel in his applause. And the moment that
+her back was turned, Nandi[3] happened to come along: and just as he
+reached the elephant, which owing to his abstraction he never noticed,
+taking it for a mere hump, formed at random by the snowdrifts, he was
+suddenly seized with an irresistible desire to roll. And so, over he
+rolled, and went from side to side, throwing up his legs into the air.
+And as luck would have it, exactly at that very moment the Daughter of
+the Snow returned, pulling Maheshwara along eagerly by the hand. And
+she looked and saw Nandi, rolling about on the flat snow just where
+she had left her elephant, which was gone. And she uttered a loud cry,
+and stood, aghast with rage and disappointment. And she opened her
+mouth to curse the author of the mischief, and was on the very verge
+of saying: Sink into a lower birth, thou insolent destroyer! when
+Maheshwara stopped her in the very act, guessing her intention, by
+putting his hand upon her mouth.[4] And he exclaimed: Say nothing
+rash, O angry one, for Nandi did not do it on purpose, after all. And
+a good servant does not deserve cursing, for an accidental blunder.
+
+And then, Párwatí burst into tears. And she exclaimed: Out of my
+sight, thou clumsy one! for I cannot bear to see thee. And she turned
+away, sobbing. And Maheshwara looked at her out of the corner of his
+eye, and he said to himself: Now, then, I must do something to console
+her for the elephant, and bring back her good humour. For ill humour
+in a woman spoils all. And presently he said: Come now, enough! for
+Nandi has gone off in disgrace, sufficiently punished by banishment
+for a time, and very sad to have been the unwitting cause of thy
+distress. And let us roam about awhile, in search of something new,
+that may help to obliterate recollection, and change thy gloom into a
+smile.
+
+And he took the goddess in his arms, and set her as she sobbed upon
+his knee, and rose from the peak of Kailàs, and shot like a falling
+star down into the plain below. And coming to Haradwára, where Gangá
+issues from the hills, he began to follow the holy stream down its
+course, gliding along just above it like a cloud that was unable to
+refrain from watching its own beautiful reflection in the blue mirror
+of her wave. And so they went, until at last they reached an island
+that was nothing but a sandbank in the very middle of the river,
+covered with crocodiles lying basking in the sun. And then he said:
+See! we will go down, and rest awhile among the crocodiles on this
+sand, whose banks resemble nothing so much as the outline of thy own
+graceful limbs. And Umá said tearfully: Pish! what do I care for
+crocodiles, that sit for hours never even moving, like a _yogí_ in a
+trance?
+
+Then said the cunning god: None the less, we will go down: for it may
+be that the island contains something besides its crocodiles. And as
+they settled on it, he said again: Did I not say we should find
+something? for yonder it lies, and it is a very great curiosity
+indeed. And now, canst thou tell me what it is?
+
+And she looked at it with scrutiny, and presently she said: I can tell
+this only, that it must have been in the water for a very long time,
+before it was washed up at last upon this bank by the river's flood:
+since it is but a shapeless lump, covered with sand and rust and dirt.
+Who but thyself could even guess what it might be? And Maheshwara
+said: It has had a very long journey, and been not only in the river,
+but in a crocodile too. For crocodiles swallow everything. And long
+ago, this was carried by a man, who was drowned in another stream by
+the upsetting of his boat, and became with all he carried the prey of
+an old crocodile, which died long ago, and rotted away, letting this
+at last escape out of its tomb, and roll along, till at last it got
+into the Ganges, and was thrown up here in the rainy season, only the
+other day. And when at last the water sank, lo! there it lay, as it
+has lain until this moment, as if expecting thy arrival, to provide
+thee with entertainment. And when all is over, thou wilt very likely
+bless Nandi, instead of cursing him; since but for his awkwardness in
+rolling on thy elephant, thou wouldst never have known anything about
+it.
+
+And Párwatí said peevishly: Where is the entertainment in this
+foolish lump of flotsam, of which thou hast related the adventures
+without ever saying what it is?
+
+And the Moony-crested god said: Aha! Snowy One, do not be too sure.
+For many things hold in their heart things not to be anticipated,
+judging by their outside: and this lump which thou despisest is like a
+coco-nut, whose coarse skin is full of nectar. But it has been shut so
+long, that it would not easily be opened by anyone but me.[5] And he
+touched it with his foot, saying, Open, and it opened like a shell.
+And he said: See! it has in it a very strange kernel, preserved safe
+and sound only because all its adventures added to its case, sheath
+after sheath. And all the leaves are still there, a very little
+mouldy, and the silk that tied them, and the seal. And the goddess
+said: But what is it after all? And Maheshwara said: It is a case of
+urgency, that all came to nothing in the end, being a letter that
+never even reached its destination, because the sender was in so great
+a hurry that he defeated his own object, bidding his messenger go so
+fast that in his haste his boat turned over, and he and his message
+were eaten on their way by a river beast. For those who go too fast
+often go so slow as never to arrive at all, as was the case here. Then
+said Umá: He that sent it must have been a fool. And Maheshwara said!
+Nay, O Snowy One, not at all: far from it: and yet he became, as many
+do, a fool for the occasion, under the influence of passion, which
+blinds the eyes, and shuts up the ears, and twists the whole
+character awry, so that it acts in a manner contrary to itself, as if
+the man had been suddenly changed into another, or his body entered by
+a Wetála, in the temporary absence of his soul.
+
+And Párwatí said: What was the passion here? And the Moony-crested god
+said slowly: It was a threefold cord, and very strong: love, and love
+turned by intense disappointment into hatred, and rage against a
+rival: each by itself alone enough to turn reason into madness. But
+the whole story is told, by its hero himself, in the very letter: and
+if thou wilt, I will read it aloud to thee, exactly as he wrote it,
+word for word. And the goddess said: Thou knowest all: why not tell it
+in thy own way, without the trouble of reading? And Maheshwara said:
+Nay, on the contrary, it is far better to let him tell it for himself:
+for who knew everything better than he did? And moreover, every story
+told by a stranger is imperfect, since he is obliged to fill up the
+gaps in his knowledge by imagination or conjecture: whereas, when the
+actor in it all is himself the narrator, it is the very truth itself,
+unless he expressly desires to conceal it, which is not the case here.
+For he was very anxious indeed to tell his enemy everything, on
+purpose to offend him: and he only made one mistake, which I will show
+thee in due time. So I will read it exactly as it stands, omitting
+absolutely nothing. And the Daughter of the Snow said: Read. But she
+thought: If it is not worth hearing, I will simply go to sleep as he
+reads. And Maheshwara said: Nay, O Snowy One, I will guarantee that
+thou dost not go to sleep.
+
+And then, the goddess suddenly threw her arms about his neck, and hid
+her face on his breast. And she said: What is the use of trying to
+hide anything at all from thee? Read. But for all that, I will go to
+sleep, if I choose. And the Moony-crested god said with a smile: Aye!
+but thou wilt not choose.
+
+And then he began to read, throwing away the leaves as they ended, one
+by one into the stream, which carried them away. And the crocodiles
+all lay round him in a circle, worshipping their Lord, as he read.
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[Footnote 2: Maheshwara is the ascetic _par excellence_, who punished
+Love for trying to tempt him by burning him up like a moth with a
+fiery glance from his third eye. And yet for all that, the Master Yogi
+was not always proof against feminine fascination: he might be chaste
+as ice, yet he has not escaped scandal.]
+
+[Footnote 3: Nandi is the divine Bull, on which, or whom, the Great
+God rides.]
+
+[Footnote 4: Had the awful words passed her lips, Nandi was a doomed
+bull, as a curse once uttered is irrevocable.]
+
+[Footnote 5: Because he is the Lord of Creatures animate or inanimate,
+which all obey him.]
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+The heart of a Woman
+
+I
+
+
+As the black cobra sits up, and puffs his hood, and hisses, giving
+warning to his prey, ere he strikes: so I, Shatrunjaya[6] the
+lute-player, son of a king, do send this my menace to thee, Narasinha,
+the lover of a queen too good for so vile a thing as thou art: that
+none hereafter may be able to say, I struck thee unwarned, or took
+thee unawares. Know, that night doth not more surely or more swiftly
+follow day, than I and my vengeance will follow on the messenger who
+carries this threat: whom I have bidden to reach thee with his utmost
+speed, so as to allay my thirst for thy life; since every day that I
+wait seems to me longer than a _yuga_. And I will slay thee with no
+other weapon than my two bare hands--
+
+And suddenly, the great god stopped, and he laughed aloud. And he
+exclaimed: See now, how this poor lute-player deceived himself! For
+his message not only never reached his enemy at all, but almost as
+soon as it had left him, he was himself slain by the emissaries of the
+very man he meant to kill, who never sent him any warning at all, but
+took him unawares, and slew him, escaping by anticipation the fate
+that was in store for himself, without even knowing anything of all
+that this letter would have taught him, and so far from dying, living
+to a very great age. And this instance shows, that the most dangerous
+of enemies is the one that never threatens till he actually strikes,
+resembling not the cobra, but the adder, as Shatrunjaya discovered to
+his cost, too late.[7]
+
+And the Daughter of the Snow exclaimed, in wrath: Why hast thou
+stopped, to tell me the end of the story, before even reaching the
+beginning?
+
+And Maheshwara said: Aha! Snowy One, thou art not yet, as it seems,
+asleep. Many are the beginnings that never reach an end: but it will
+do this story no harm at all, to begin with the end, since all the
+essence of it lies in the middle, and as thou wilt find, it ends in
+the middle, and yet never ends, even when it is done.
+
+What I have told thee does not matter in the least; what matters is
+the Queen, for she was the most extraordinary of all women, past,
+present, or to come.
+
+And Párwatí said: Let the letter speak for itself: and if thou hast
+anything to say, keep it for the end. For nothing is more unendurable
+than a commentary upon a text which is unknown.
+
+
+II
+
+And Maheshwara said: Thus the letter continues:--for there is not room
+in one world for us both. And well thou knowest the reason why. For
+the Queen told me, the very last time that I saw her, that it would be
+the very last time, as indeed it was. And when I asked why she would
+see me no more, she said, that thine was the order, to send me away.
+Dog! was she thine to command, or was I? And yet, I knew very well, it
+was all thy doing, before ever she told me. For never would she have
+behaved as she did, had she not been pushed from behind: and the very
+first time that we met, when she told me of thee, I understood, and
+foresaw, and expected, the very thing that has happened, looking to
+find thee hiding behind her, to rid thee of a rival whom thou hadst
+not the courage openly to face. And dost thou dare to condemn me for
+doing the very same thing thou wast doing thyself? Was not my claim to
+love her as good as thy own? Or what, O cowardly dastard, does that
+man deserve, who screens himself behind the clothes of a woman to
+strike at a foe? I will answer the question, and show thee, by ocular
+proof, very soon. But now in the meantime, I will open thy eyes, and
+tell thee, from the very beginning, all that took place. And thou
+shalt learn how I stole her away from thee, in spite of thee, as
+presently I will come to rob thee also of thy life. And I will
+embitter thy life, and poison it, first: and then I will take it away.
+
+
+III
+
+And yet, strange indeed was the way that I met her. I cannot tell,
+whether it was a reward or a punishment for the deeds of a previous
+birth. For the joy of it would have been cheap, bought at the price of
+a hundred lives: and yet the sorrow is greater than the joy. And it
+happened thus. I was roaming through the world, with my lute for my
+only companion. For all men know, as thou must also, that I turned my
+back upon my hereditary kingdom, and quarrelled with all my relations,
+and left them, all for the sake of my lute. For ever since I was a
+child, I have cared for absolutely nothing but my lute, and as I
+think, I must have been a Gandharwa[8] in the birth before, since the
+sound of the tones of its strings, touched by the hand of a master
+musician, leads me like an ox that is pulled by a cord, the very
+moment I hear it, and I stand still, like one that listens with tears
+in his eyes to the memory of the voice of a friend that is dead. Ha!
+very wonderful are the influences of a forgotten birth! For I was an
+anomaly, behaving not according to my caste, which was that of a
+Rajpoot; and not music, but fighting, was my proper work, and my
+religion.[9] And it was as if my mother had been caught sleeping in
+the moonlight on the terrace of the palace in the hot season by some
+king of the Widyádharas passing by, and looking down from the air. For
+heavenly beings often fall into such temptations, and even an ascetic
+would have found it hard to laugh at the arrows of Manobhawa, coming
+in the form of such a feminine fascination as hers, lying still in the
+lunar ooze at midnight, with her head pillowed on her arm. And yet,
+for all my music, I was the tallest and strongest of all my clan, and
+a hunter, when I chose, that could bear fatigue even better than a
+Bhíl.
+
+And then at last there came a day when the King my father sent for me.
+And when I came, he looked at me with approval, and he said: Thou art
+a man at last. And yet they tell me, thou dost nothing all day long
+but sit playing thy lute. Canst thou really be my son, or art thou
+some musician's brat, foisted into my son's place by some dark
+underhand intrigue, when I was looking the other way? For who ever
+heard of a Yuwarájá,[10] destined to sit upon the throne when I have
+entered the fire, neglecting all his duties for the sake of a lute's
+strings? Come now, throw thy lute away, and leave music to the
+professionals who have nothing else to do, and apply thyself to
+policy, and the things of a king's trade. And I said: What do I care
+for a kingdom in comparison with my lute? I will not throw it away,
+no, not for a hundred kingdoms. I am a devotee of Rádhá's lover,[11]
+and I care nothing for any ráj. Then my father flew into a rage. And
+he said: Thou shalt do, not as thou wilt, but as I will. Choose,
+between thy wretched lute, and the ráj: and if thou dost not obey, I
+will turn thee off, and put thy younger brother in thy place. And I
+said: There are kings in abundance everywhere, but those who can
+really play on a lute are very few indeed. And I am one. Let who will
+be a Yuwarájá: I will choose the lute. And he said, in wrath: Be off!
+and play dirges to the memory of thy dead succession, for thou art no
+longer heir. And I laughed in his face, and went away, and got on my
+horse, and turned my back upon it all, and rode off laughing with my
+lute hanging round my neck, counting the kingdom as a straw. And
+thereafter, I wandered up and down, from place to place, living as I
+pleased, and utterly disregarding the messages that reached me nearly
+every day from my mother, who sent me bags of money and entreaties to
+return, all in vain. And my story, like my playing, went from mouth
+to mouth, and everywhere I went, the people said: Ha! there goes
+Shatrunjaya, the mad musician, who cares more for a discord than the
+loss of his hereditary ráj! Ha! and if his policy were only equal to
+his playing, what a king he would have made! And what a fool he must
+be, to care for nothing in the three worlds but a lute's strings!
+
+
+IV
+
+And yet they were all wrong. For there was another thing that nobody
+knew anything about, that I cared for even more than for my lute. And
+all the while I wandered, I was looking for a thing that flew before
+me the more I kept pursuing it, like the setting of the sun. And yet
+it hung, so to say, always just before my eyes, like a picture on the
+wall, so that often I used to talk to it, as if it were alive, as I
+sat. And yet it never answered, looking back at me in silence with
+strange kind eyes, and seeming to listen to me gazing at it wistfully,
+and playing on my lute. And this was a woman, that had come to me in a
+dream. For but a little while before I quarrelled with my father, I
+was lying, on a day, at noon, when I had been following a quarry in
+the jungle till I ached with fatigue, resting on a river bank: and so
+as I lay, unawares I fell asleep. And I thought that I wandered
+through a palace that I had never seen before, till suddenly I came
+upon a terrace that stood on the very margin of a lake, that was
+filled with myriads of lotuses, all turned red by the rays of the
+setting sun, which stood never moving on the top of a low hill, as if
+it were watching me to see what I should do, before it went away. And
+there was such a strange silence that I began to be afraid, as if of
+something that was just about to happen, without knowing what. And so
+as we all stood waiting in the dusk, I and the lotuses and the sun,
+all at once I heard behind me a voice like a _kokila_, saying quietly:
+I have kept thee a long while waiting: wilt thou forgive?
+
+And I turned round, and looked, and lo! there was a lady, looking at
+me with a smile. And she was standing so absolutely still, that she
+resembled an image made of copper, for exactly like the lotuses, she
+was all red in the rays of the sun, and her dark clothing shone like
+the leaf of a palm seen at midnight in the glow of a fire. And her
+hair was massed like that of an ascetic high over her brow, and on its
+dull black cloud there shone a gem that resembled a star, shooting and
+flickering and changing colour like a diamond mixed with an opal:
+while underneath, her eyes, that resembled pools filled with dusk
+instead of water, were fixed on me as if in meditation, as if half in
+doubt as to whether I was I. And yet her lips were smiling, not as if
+they meant to smile, but just because they could not help it, driven
+by the sweetness of the soul that lay behind them to betray its secret
+unawares. And the perfect oval of the outline of her face was lifted,
+so to say, into the superlative degree of soft fascination by a faint
+suggestion of the round ripeness of a fruit in its bloom, as if the
+Creator, by some magical extra touch of his chisel, had wished to
+exclaim: See how the full loveliness of a woman surpasses the delicate
+promise of a girl! And she was rather tall, and she stood up very
+straight indeed, so straight, that my heart laughed within me as I
+looked at her, for sheer delight, so admirably upright was the poise
+of her figure, and yet so round and delicious was the curve of her
+arms and her slender waist, that rose as if with exultation into the
+glorious magnificence of her splendid breast, on which her left hand
+rested, just touching it very lightly with the tips of her fingers,
+like a wind-blown leaf lying for a moment exactly at the point of
+junction of two mounds of snow, as if to chide it very gently for
+challenging the admiration of the three worlds. And she stood with her
+weight thrown on her left foot, so that her right hip, on which her
+right hand rested, swelled out in a huge curve that ran down to her
+knee, which was bent in, and then turned outwards, ending in a little
+foot that was standing very nearly on the tip of its toe.
+
+And so as we stood, gazing at one another in dead silence, all at once
+she smiled outright, holding out both her hands. And at that very
+moment, the sun sank. And as I strove in vain to move, rooted to the
+spot like a tree, she faded away, very slowly, back again into the
+dark, growing little by little paler, till she vanished into the
+night, leaving nothing but her star, that seemed to glimmer at me from
+a great distance, low down on the very edge of a deep-red sky. And I
+strove and struggled in desperation to break the spell that held me
+chained, and suddenly I woke with a loud cry, and saw before me only
+the river, on whose bank I was lying alone.
+
+
+V
+
+Aye! then for the first time in my life, I knew what it meant, to be
+alone, which had been to me but a mere word, without any meaning at
+all. For as I sat by the river, I knew I had left my soul behind in
+the dream that had disappeared. And my heart was burning with such a
+pain that I could only breathe with great difficulty, and tears rose
+into my eyes, as it were of their own accord. And I said sadly to
+myself: Now, beyond all doubt, I have seen some feminine incarnation
+of a fallen star, and unless I can find it somewhere on earth, I shall
+lose the fruit of being born at all. So one thing only remains to do,
+and that is to look for her, and keep on looking until I find her. For
+if only I was sure, that she was absolutely beyond finding, I would
+not consent to remain in this miserable body without her, even for a
+single moment. But she must be alive somewhere, and able to be found:
+for how could such a thing as she was exist only in a dream? For
+nobody could possibly have invented her, no, not even in a dream: and
+it must be that my soul went roaming about as I slept, and actually
+caught sight of her. And if the soul could find her, then, she is
+somewhere to be found, even by the body; but alas! the body cannot
+travel so easily as the soul: since, in his haste, the Creator has
+forgotten to give wings to anything but birds. And yet, the only thing
+to do is to hunt for her incessantly, and go from place to place
+without stopping for a moment: since very certainly she will never be
+discovered if I remain here as motionless as a hill. So I must escape
+at once, on some pretence, without letting anybody know why.
+
+And as I said, I did: and this was the very reason why I broke with my
+relations, and became a vagrant instead of a king's heir. And every
+night I went to sleep yearning to dream the dream again, and yet it
+never came, though even in my sleep I seemed in every dream to be
+roaming everlastingly in jungles, and along roads that never ended,
+always on the very point of finding something that I never found. And
+strange! instead of driving me to despair, this constant failure
+actually gave me courage, for I said: If the dream had really been
+only a dream and nothing more, it would surely have returned, beyond a
+doubt: since, as a rule, dreams are only pictures in the night of what
+men think of in the day. And yet she never comes again, although I
+think of nothing else, all day long, and she was very certainly no
+picture of anything that I ever saw before. And clearly, it must be
+that my soul did actually find her, though now it has lost its way,
+and does not know how to return.
+
+And in the meanwhile, as time went on, the less I found her, the more
+I fell back upon my lute, which became the only confidante of my
+secret, and my sole refuge in my desolation. And I used to sit
+playing, thinking all the while of nothing but herself, so that she
+gradually became as it were the theme and the undertone of every air.
+And the listeners would say: Ha! now beyond a doubt this player on the
+lute must be some incarnation of a Kinnara, for the sound of his music
+resembles that of the wind singing in the hollows of the bamboos that
+wave over waterfalls on the sides of the snowy mountain: and his lute
+seems to sob, in the vain endeavour to express some melancholy secret
+that for want of words it cannot articulately tell, wringing as it
+were its hands of strings, for very grief: And I became a byword, and
+the fame of my music was carried into the quarters of the world, like
+the scent of the sandal that the breeze blows from the Malaya hill in
+the region of the South.
+
+And then at last I came, on a day, tired out with travel, to
+Kamalapura.[12] And delighted with its trees and its river and its
+lotuses, I found a little house, and lodged in it, to rest for a
+while. And one morning, there came to me a musician of the city, who
+loved me for my playing, and he said: How comes it, O Shatrunjaya,
+that thou hast not been to play to Táráwalí?[13] And I said: Who is
+Táráwalí, that I should go to play to her, who never go to anyone at
+all? And he laughed, and exclaimed: Who is Táráwalí? What! dost thou
+actually say that thou hast never even heard of her, the Queen of
+this city? And I said: I did not know that thy Táráwalí was the same
+as the Queen, of whom indeed I have heard, very often, as everybody
+must who comes to this city: for as it seems, the citizens never talk
+of anything or anybody else, never saying anything about her that
+recommends her to me; since, as I understand, she is an
+independent[14] woman, who goes her own way, like the wind, caring
+absolutely nothing where it takes her, or what anybody says. And he
+said: Let them say what they will, at least she is a connoisseur in
+music, and plays the lute herself, though not so well as thou. And
+they tell me, she is very curious to see thee, and to hear thee, of
+whom she has heard so much. And I said carelessly: The curiosity is
+not reciprocal, since on my side there is absolutely none. And
+moreover, independent women are not to my taste, even when they happen
+to be queens. So it will be better for us both, to leave her curiosity
+unsatisfied. And he said: Well have they named thee, the mad musician:
+for thou art utterly unlike all other men. Thou hast thrown away thy
+kingdom for a lute: and now thou sittest like a stone, unmoved, to
+hear that even Táráwalí is curious on thy account: a thing that would
+set any other man dancing for delight, like a peacock at the sight of
+a cloud. Art thou indeed a stone, or is it sheer ignorance of what
+Táráwalí is like? And I said: And what then is she like? And he said:
+She is like absolutely nothing in the world but herself, and cannot
+therefore be described at all, but only seen. So the only way to get
+thy question answered is to go, and see her for thyself. And I said:
+Then it never will be answered, for I will not go and see. I am no
+tame animal, to go where I am called: I am wild. And he said: Aye! but
+the wild swans go to the Mánasa lake of their own accord. Thou art
+like a young wild swan, refusing, for sheer obstinacy, to visit the
+very place, that, had it only seen it, it would never be induced to
+desert again. For Táráwalí is exactly a Mánasa[15] for such a swan as
+thee. And for all answer, I took my lute, and began to pluck at the
+strings.
+
+And he stood for a while, drumming on the sill of the window as he
+looked out: and then he turned and said: If thou hast no curiosity,
+thou hast at least the manners of a king's son. Wouldst thou be so
+uncivil as to say no to her invitation, if she sent to thee, to come?
+And I said: Why suppose what never can occur? Surely this independent
+queen does not go to such a length as to act like an _abhisáriká_,[16]
+and throw herself of her own accord at the head of every stranger that
+may wander through her city? And he laughed, and said: Wouldst thou
+actually shut thy door in her face, even so, if she were an
+incomparable beauty? Even an _abhisáriká_ might be welcome, to anybody
+but thyself, who art said to be a hater of all women whatsoever. And I
+said: Why should I hate all women, who never think of them at all?
+
+And he looked at me for a long while; and then he said: Who knows?
+Thou art so singular in everything that it is just barely possible
+that thou art telling me the truth, though it is very hard to believe
+it, in the mouth of a youth like thee. And yet, if as thou sayest, thy
+heart be really empty, Táráwalí could fill it for thee, easily enough.
+Aye! even if it were a desert equal to Marusthalí in dryness and
+extent, a single glance at her would turn it into an ocean, tossing
+with agitation, and running over with excess of salt.[17]
+
+And then he went away. And instantly I forgot all about her, absorbed
+in my lute and the recollection of my dream.
+
+
+VI
+
+But next morning, when I awoke, his words all came back to me, and
+filled me with dismay. And I sat long musing over them, and saying to
+myself: Now after all, it is just possible not only that his words had
+a meaning, but even that he was acting as an agent of the Queen, who
+may take measures to make me go and see her, whether I will or no:
+since she is, as it seems, a musical blue-stocking,[18] ready to
+force herself on anybody just to gratify her vanity by claiming
+admiration for her musical proficiency, which nobody would acknowledge
+unless she were a queen. Out on these queens, that dabble in matters
+that they do not understand, and meddle in other people's business!
+But now I will steal a march on her by making my escape betimes, and I
+will go this very moment and order my horse to be got ready, to give
+her the slip, in case she may be meditating anything very
+disagreeable. For if she finds the bird flown, she will give it up,
+once for all.
+
+And I went to the door and opened it, and lo! there in the street
+before me stood a woman, who was in the very act of knocking at the
+door, to get in, so that as I pulled it open, she very nearly fell
+into my arms. And as she drew back laughing, I looked at her in blank
+amazement. For she resembled a feminine incarnation of the dawn, being
+a very Apsaras for beauty, and very young, and very small, and dressed
+in a garment of red muslin, whose edge of gold ran all about her like
+a snake.[19] And she had gold bangles, and gold anklets, and gold
+chains about her neck, and she held the end of her garment drawn over
+her head with one hand, whose arm resembled a creeper spray, so that I
+could only just see her long eyes peeping at me through the opening.
+And I stood awhile, holding the door, and looking at her with dismay,
+that was very nearly terror, saying to myself: Now, after all, I am
+caught, for here she is in person, running to me of her own accord.
+And at last I said with hesitation: Art thou Táráwalí?
+
+And instantly, that strange damsel broke into a peal of laughter. And
+she exclaimed: I, Táráwalí? Art thou stark mad? Or dost thou imagine
+Táráwalí would come to people's doors? Ha! then, but as it seems, thy
+thoughts are already running on Táráwalí. But let me come inside, for
+why should the whole street listen to our conversation? And she came
+in quickly and stood just inside the door, holding it by the handle,
+as if she wanted to make sure of her escape. And she said: Art thou
+Shatrunjaya, the lute-player? And I said: Yes. Then she said: Thou
+deservest almost to be slain, for such an extraordinary blunder as to
+confound such a thing as I am with the Queen. And yet, after all, thy
+chance arrow is somewhere near the mark: for if I am not Táráwalí, at
+least I am her shadow, and never very far from her, being her
+confidential maid. And I have come to thee now with a message from
+herself: and it is this: Táráwalí the pupil stands in sore need of
+Shatrunjaya the master, to help her in disentangling the
+quarter-tones of a theme: and she will await him in her garden, as
+the sun goes down.
+
+And I said: What, O thou red beauty, is thy name? And she said:
+Chaturiká[20] Then I said: Go back, O Chaturiká, and tell the Queen
+that I was not to be found. I will not come. And here is gold for
+thee.
+
+And Chaturiká brushed away my bribe with a wave of her pretty arm. And
+she leaned back against the door, holding the handle behind her, and
+looking up at me from under her long lashes, with sweet crafty eyes,
+and eyebrows lifted high into a double arch. And she put her head a
+little on one side, and said, with a smile: Think twice, O
+Shatrunjaya. Art thou a musician, and hast thou never heard the song:
+Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she turns away?[21] Or
+hast thou never tasted nectar, even in a dream? Remember, sunset! And
+she shook at me her forefinger, and suddenly she opened the door, and
+slipped out, and shut it, and was gone; leaving me staring at it in
+stupefaction, and almost believing I was dreaming, so abruptly had she
+come and gone. And I said to myself in wonder: Beyond a doubt, she
+spoke at random, knowing nothing of my dream; and yet she made me
+jump, for her arrow hit the mark exactly in the centre. But if the
+maid is like the mistress, of whom she said herself, she was the
+shadow, then very sure I am, it is not either maid or mistress, or
+anybody the least like them, that could realise my dream. But all the
+same, I am caught, for the moment, in their noose: and what is to be
+done now? For she will go straight back and tell it all, to this
+over-bearing busybody of a queen, and if now I do not go, it will seem
+an incivility almost equal to an insult. For queens do not like to be
+refused, and even their request is a kind of order, very difficult to
+disobey. Out, out, upon this red intrusive jade, and her mistress, and
+above all on myself, for my delay! For had I only gone away last
+night, I should have got clean off.
+
+And long I sat debating, balanced in the swing of indecision, as to
+whether I should go, or not. And at last I exclaimed: I will give her
+just a chance. And I drew my _kattári_ from its sheath, and I said:
+Now I will throw it into the air. And if it falls back upon its point,
+I will go and see her: but if not, not. And I threw it up, like a
+juggler, so that it spun very quickly like a wheel: and lo! it fell
+back, and stuck exactly on its point, standing straight up, as if on
+purpose to imitate Chaturiká's forefinger, and saying as it were: See!
+thou shalt go, willy nilly, at sunset to the Queen.
+
+And so, seeing that I must absolutely go, I dismissed it, as a thing
+determined, from my mind. And a little before sunset, I went out, and
+moved slowly through the streets, making for the palace with unwilling
+feet. And when I reached it, I stood still, opposite the palace gates,
+saying to myself: There is still just time to turn back and go away.
+For my reluctance grew upon me as I went, with every step, as if some
+presentiment that I could not understand was warning me beforehand of
+all that would come about. And I said: Now then, I will give myself
+one last chance. I will stand here still, and count a hundred. And if
+in the time, I do not see an elephant go by, I will go away, bidding
+good-bye for ever to the Queen. And then I began to count. And
+strange! at that very moment, I looked, and saw the _ankusha_ of a
+_maháwat_, high up above the crowd, coming round the corner. And the
+elephant on which he sat passed by the palace gates, looking at me as
+it were with laughter in its little eye, and saying: I am just in
+time: while yet I had fifty still to count.
+
+So near I came, to never seeing Táráwalí at all!
+
+
+VII
+
+So then at last, seeing that fate was against me, and that there was
+absolutely no help for it, I gave up the struggle, and went up to the
+gate. And learning who I was, the _pratihárí_[22] led me away into the
+palace, and I followed her through innumerable corridors and halls,
+until at last we came to a high wall, in which there was a door,
+screened by a curtain. And she drew aside the curtain, and opened the
+door with a key. And she said: The Queen is within: knock at the door
+on thy return. And I went in, and she shut the door behind me,
+leaving me alone.
+
+And I found myself in a garden, of which I could not see the end, for
+it rather resembled a forest for its multitude of trees. And after a
+while, I went on slowly without any guide, going wherever my steps led
+me, and saying to myself as I went along: Now I wonder where the Queen
+is; for as it seems, I am far more likely to lose myself than find
+anything, in such a maze as this. And then, little by little, I
+utterly forgot all about her, lost in my admiration of the place that
+I was in, and saying to myself in wonder: After all, I did well to
+come, and it was well worth while, if only for the sake of this
+extraordinary wood, which cannot properly be called a garden, since it
+is like absolutely nothing else in the world. For there were no
+flowers to be seen at all, but only trees. And even of trees, there
+were only four kinds, champak, and _shála_, and _nyagrodha_, and
+bamboo. But every kind of tree was multiplied many times, and each was
+a very giant, and a marvel of its kind. And the champaks and the
+_shálas_ were loaded with their blossoms that filled the air with
+heavy fragrance, and glimmered in the dusk: and the bamboos stood in
+clumps, like pillars, each as thick as my own body, with their tall
+plumes waving very gently to and fro like _chowris_ over my head; and
+the trunks and the roots of the _nyagrodhas_[23] writhed and twisted
+round me like serpents' coils and women's limbs, pointing at me as it
+were with weird wooden arms, till I felt as if I were walking in some
+strange dream forest whose Yakshas and Yakshinís were watching me and
+mocking me as I went along. And suddenly, I looked, and far away
+through the trees I saw the moon nearly full rising slowly like a
+great red nocturnal sun, on the edge of the pallid eastern sky, as if
+it had come to watch me too, before the sun was down. And a feeling
+that was almost fear began to creep into my soul, as I moved on
+slowly, not knowing where I was. And all at once, I came out suddenly
+upon a terrace and stood still. For just below me was a lake, whose
+water was black, and absolutely still, and it was filled with
+innumerable lotuses, that stood straight up out of the mirror that
+they floated in, all turned red by the rays of the setting sun, which
+was just about to disappear, taking as it were a last fond look at
+them, as it stood, blood-red, on the rim of the world.
+
+And then, like a flash of lightning, recollection rushed into my soul.
+And my heart gave a bound, as if it wanted to leap from my body. And I
+exclaimed, with agitation: Ha! Why, it is the very lake, and these are
+the very lotuses, and the very sun that I saw in my dream! And even
+as I spoke, I heard behind me the low sweet voice of a woman, saying
+slowly: I fear that I have kept thee waiting for a long time: and
+canst thou forgive me?
+
+And instantly I cried out: The words! the words! And I turned sharp
+round, shaking like a leaf, with a heart that beat in my body like a
+drum. Lo! there, just before me, stood the lady of my dream. And
+exactly as before, her dark blue garments shone like copper in the red
+sun's rays, and the star stood trembling in her high dark hair. And
+exactly as before, she stood up, absolutely straight, as if on purpose
+to throw into strong relief the undulating curves of her lovely form,
+and yet she differed from her own dream in this, that her soft round
+bosom was rising and falling like an agitated wave, as if she had been
+running very fast with nimble feet, that had stopped short, at the
+sight of me. And she held her pretty head, with appealing grace, just
+a very little on one side, looking at me with great sweet eyes, and
+lips that smiled, half-open, as if to let her breathe, saying as it
+were: I know that I am very guilty, and yet I am absolutely sure to be
+forgiven, since you cannot find it in your heart to scold. And somehow
+or other, there came from every part of her as it were the delicious
+fragrance of an extreme desire to oblige and please, that exactly
+corresponded with the excessive gentleness of the voice that had just
+spoken; and yet it was mixed in some inexplicable way with a very
+faint suggestion of authority, as though to say: All will willingly
+obey me; but those who will not, must. And one hand hung down by her
+side, holding a lute by a yellow string: while the other was playing
+with the beads of a necklace of great pearls, that lay on the ocean of
+her surging breast, so that it was carried up and down on its wave.
+And she looked, as she stood before me, like a faultless feminine
+incarnation of the essence of a bosom friend, turned into an
+instrument of supernatural seduction by the infusion of the
+intoxication of the other sex, and seeming as it were to say: How much
+dearer is a dear friend, that looks at thee with a woman's eyes!
+
+And I stood for a single instant, looking, with a soul that struggled
+to leave me, as if it had recognised at once, the moment it caught
+sight of her, whose claim it should obey. And I made a step towards
+her, stretching out both my hands: and all at once, I uttered a sharp
+cry, and fell at her feet in a swoon.
+
+
+VIII
+
+And when I came back to myself, I opened my eyes, and saw her,
+standing close beside me, bending over towards me, and watching me
+with eyes that were full of an expression that was half anxiety and
+half compassion. And as I rose to my feet, in confusion, she said
+quietly: Nay, it would be better for thee to sit still, for a little
+while, until thou art recovered. Art thou ill, or what is the matter
+with thee? And I looked at her, making as it were sure of her being
+really there, and I said with emotion: Nay, on the contrary, I am
+very well indeed, now that I find thee still here, as I never hoped to
+see thee. For I was terribly afraid, lest I should lose thee as I did
+before. And the shock was like a blow, for I have waited so long, to
+see thee again. And she looked at me with astonishment, and she said:
+Before? Again? What dost thou mean? When have we ever met before? And
+I said: In a dream. And it may be, even earlier, in some former birth.
+I cannot tell. But instantly, I knew thee again, and my heart stopped,
+unable to endure the unutterable joy, and the choking pain, and the
+suddenness of the surprise: for it came upon me like a thunderbolt,
+without warning. And as I said, I was white with terror, lest thou
+shouldst have taken advantage of my swoon, to disappear, as thou didst
+before. For if I had not seen thee, when I woke up, I should have
+died.
+
+And she looked at me for a while, with curiosity, and as if meditating
+over what I said. And then she sighed. And she said in a low voice, as
+if speaking to herself: This is my fault. Alas! I foresaw that there
+would be danger in thy coming. And I exclaimed: Danger! Be under no
+concern. Thou hast nothing at all to fear from me, or indeed from
+anything whatever, as long as I am near thee. Then she said: Nay, but
+thou dost not understand. It is not for myself that I was afraid, but
+for thee. And as I looked at her, as if to ask her what she meant, she
+said again: It is I who am the danger. For I know by experience that I
+always act on thy sex like a spell: only in thy case, the spell was
+very strong: so strong, as almost to destroy thee. And yet, it is not
+my fault, after all. Blame me not, but rather blame the Creator who
+made me as I am. And I exclaimed: Blame him! nay, rather worship and
+adore him, for the wonder of his work: as thou art very certainly his
+masterpiece. What! wouldst thou have me blame him, for producing a
+thing that I could worship, instead of himself? And she shook her head
+slowly as I spoke, and she said: Thou seest: it is exactly as I said.
+I am a poison to thee. And I looked at her, trembling with sheer
+ecstasy to look at her and listen to her: and suddenly I burst out
+laughing, with my eyes full of tears. And I said: Poison! Thou! Ah!
+let me only drink such poison to its dregs! I ask for nothing more.
+And she said: Come! let us sit on the step, and thou wilt recover. And
+when we were seated, she said, after a while: Forget me, if thou
+canst, for a moment, and listen, and I will tell thee of the
+difficulty which led me to summon thee to my assistance.
+
+And then she began to speak to me of the musical intervals, while I
+sat gazing at her, drunk with admiration, and growing hot and cold by
+turns, never so much as hearing a single word she said, but listening
+only to the unutterable sweetness of the voice that spoke, that
+sounded in my ears like the noise of a waterfall coming from a
+distance to the ear of one that lies dying of thirst. And all at once,
+I broke in abruptly, without any reference whatever to her words: and
+I said: O Táráwalí, they named thee well who chose thy name: for thou
+art indeed like the star on thy brow. And when I think how nearly I
+never came to thee at all, I shudder for sheer terror, to think I all
+but missed my opportunity, and lost thee for ever. And I owe thee an
+apology, for a crime, done to thy divinity in ignorance. Aye!
+Chaturiká was right, when she told me I was worthy of death, for
+confounding thee with her.
+
+And she said, with a sigh: Thou art not listening to what I say. And
+then she smiled, with a little smile that shook my heart for delight,
+and she said: Aye! Chaturiká told me of thy error. But trust her not,
+when she speaks of me, for she is a flatterer. And yet, thy crime was
+venial, and one easily forgiven: for she is very pretty, as I am not.
+But we are wandering from the point, and wasting time, and talking
+nonsense. Forget us both, and listen with attention, and I will begin
+all over again. And I swept away her beginning with a wave of my hand,
+and I exclaimed: It is useless, for I can listen at present to
+absolutely nothing. There is no room in my soul for anything but thee.
+Speak to me of thyself, and I will listen never moving for the
+remainder of my life. And once again she sighed, lifting her hands,
+and letting them fall again, as if in despair. And she said gently: If
+thou absolutely wilt not attend, where was the use of thy coming at
+all? And I said: If thou wilt only send for me every day, at sunset,
+for a year, it may be that I shall at last be able to forget thee
+sufficiently, for a very little while, to attend to something else.
+
+And suddenly she laughed, with laughter that exactly resembled the
+laughter of a child, and she said: Thou art very crafty indeed, but
+thy cunning plan would take a long time, with but little result. And
+even then, I am not sure I could rely on thy forgetting. And I
+exclaimed, with emphasis: Thou art absolutely right, for the moment of
+oblivion would never come at all. But O thou miracle of a queen, tell
+me at least one thing about thyself. And she said: What? And I said:
+How can the King thy husband be so utterly bereft of his reason as to
+let any other man see his star? Or is he, in very truth, actually
+blind? For I could understand it, if he really cannot see.
+
+And she looked at me with surprise: and she said slowly: Dost thou
+actually not know, what everybody knows? And I said: I know nothing
+that everybody knows, being as I am a stranger. But this I know, very
+well, that if thou wert _my_ pearl, I would take very good care to
+hide thee. For even an honest man might well turn robber, tempted by
+the sight of such an ocean pearl. And she said, very quietly: It needs
+no thief to steal the pearl, if indeed it be a pearl, which its owner
+cast away long ago as a thing of no value, for anyone to pick up as he
+passes by.
+
+And I stared at her in stupefaction, and I struck my hands together
+and exclaimed: Art thou mad, or am I dreaming? And she said gently: It
+is true. And anybody but a stranger like thyself would have known it,
+without needing to be told. And she dropped her eyes, and sat for a
+while, fingering the string of her lute, as if on purpose to make
+herself into a picture for my intoxicated gaze: and suddenly she said:
+Why should I make a secret of a thing that another will tell thee, if
+I do not, adding to the truth slanders that are false? It is better
+for thee, and for me, to learn from my own mouth what it is impossible
+to hide. There is a relation of the King, whose name is Narasinha. And
+one day he saw me by accident, on the roof of the palace, and
+instantly he lost his reason, as all the men who see me always do. And
+not long after, the King was set upon by numbers in a battle, and
+within a very little of being slain; and Narasinha saved his life,
+very nearly losing his own. And the King said, when all was over: Now,
+then, O Narasinha, ask me for anything I have, no matter what: it is
+thine. And Narasinha saw his opportunity. And he shut his eyes, like
+one that leaps from a precipice to life or death. And he said: Give me
+thy Queen, Táráwalí: or else, slay me, here and now, with this very
+sword that saved thy life. And then, to his amazement, as he stood
+with his head bowed, expecting death, the King burst out laughing. And
+he said: Is that all? Aha! Narasinha, we were both frightened, thou
+and I: thou, of asking, and I, of what thou mightest ask. Didst thou
+not think, I should slay thee, for thinking of her even in a dream?
+But my life were worth little, if I haggled with its saviour over its
+price. And Táráwalí is thine, to do with as thou wilt. For I have only
+one life, whereas queens can be found in all directions, and I can
+very easily replace her, whenever I choose. Only she must not leave
+the palace, for after all, she is my Queen, and so she must remain,
+for everyone but me and thee. And so he gave me clean away to
+Narasinha, in secret, but it is a secret that everybody knows, and
+tells in secret to everybody else. And I have gained by the exchange.
+For Narasinha risked his life, twice, to win me, and the King would
+never have risked so much as his little finger to save the life of a
+hundred queens, and gave me away, like a straw, for the mere asking,
+not even stopping to consider, that in the straw he gave away his own
+honour lay hidden, which he gave away with me. And I could have
+forgiven him for giving me away, but who could forgive the King who
+valued his own honour less than his own life? And to the King I was
+never more than a necessary ornament, a thing like a sceptre and a
+throne, and a mere piece of royal furniture: whereas I am more than
+the life of Narasinha, and the apple of his eye.
+
+
+IX
+
+And as she spoke, I listened, not believing my own ears, and saying to
+myself: Is it all real, or can it be that I am only dreaming after
+all? And which is the greater wonder, this miserable King, who,
+leaving honour out of the account, is so utterly besotted as to give
+away a thing like her to the first man who asks for her, or Táráwalí
+herself, telling the whole story of her own depreciation with such
+contemptuous and yet delicious candour to such a one as me? Aye! well
+indeed she might despise a husband so unutterably despicable; and yet
+his oblivion of his own honour is easier by far to understand than his
+blindness to the value of the thing he gave away. And would she tell
+me anything at all, unless she had come to the conclusion that I was
+worthy of her confidence? And who knows? For why should she consent to
+be given like a horse to Narasinha? Why might she not prefer to give
+herself, and choose for herself the man who was to be her owner? And
+what if I could persuade her to let me be the man? And at the very
+thought, my head began to swim in the delirium of hope and almost
+unimaginable anticipation. And I said: Dear Táráwalí, is it the fault
+of the ocean gem, if its boorish owner flings it away, taking it for a
+bit of common glass, and ignoring its inestimable worth? There are
+other and better judges, who would give their very lives, only to be
+allowed to pick it up.
+
+And she looked at me with a smile, and she leaned towards me, and she
+said, with gentle mischief in her eyes: Shall I tell thee thy very
+thoughts, and it may be, tumble down for thee the unsubstantial
+castles thou art even already building in the air? Thou art marvelling
+at the King, for giving me so carelessly away: and thou art wondering,
+why I am telling thee about it: and last of all, it may be, thou art
+counting on my independence. Is it not so? And I hung my head in
+silence, ashamed at being so accurately detected by the subtle
+penetration of this extraordinary Queen. And presently she said, as
+if to console me for my confusion, with unutterable sweetness in her
+voice: Come, do not allow delusive imagination to run away with thee,
+but curb him, and rein him up, and stop him, and be wise. For I
+belong, body and soul, to Narasinha. And yet, for all that, I am my
+own mistress, and act exactly as I choose. And I see anyone I please,
+and at my own time, and go, like a wild elephant, wherever inclination
+leads me. And music is my passion, and I heard of thee, and sent for
+thee, and now that I have seen thee, I like thee. And now, shall we be
+friends?
+
+And as she ended, she put out towards me both her hands, leaning
+towards me, and looking at me with a smile, and eyes full of an
+invitation so irresistibly caressing that it swept away my
+self-control, consuming it like a blade of grass in a forest fire. And
+I started to my feet, and instantly she rose herself. And I seized her
+right hand in my own, with a grip that made it an unwilling prisoner
+beyond all hope of escape. And I exclaimed with agitation: Friends!
+only friends! Alas! O Táráwalí, hast thou given thyself, body and
+soul, so absolutely to Narasinha, as not to have left even the very
+smallest atom over, for me, now that I have discovered thee at last? O
+I have dreamed of thee, and thy sweetness, and thy eyes, so long, so
+long.
+
+And as I gazed at her, forgetting everything in the world, but my
+incontrollable thirst for herself, she sighed, and she said with
+compassion: Poor boy! I did ill, to summon thee at all. Thou art only
+drinking poison, and yet I know not any antidote, save only to bid
+thee go away.
+
+And I stood, bereft of my senses, and without knowing what I did,
+pulling her by the hand, that lay reluctantly in mine, endeavouring to
+free itself in vain. And half resisting, half consenting, against her
+own will, to be pulled, she came slowly towards me, leaning back, and
+looking at me with eyes that seemed to implore me to release her, and
+yet, unable to be harsh, no matter what I did. And at last, she
+reached me, and she closed her eyes, as I kissed her, with a shudder
+of delight that was almost terror, on the lips. And then instantly I
+let her go, and stood aghast at what I had done. And I stammered:
+Forgive! for I did not know what I was doing.
+
+And she shook her head, and said very gently: Nay, it is I myself who
+am to blame: since I might have known that this would be the
+inevitable end. But now, good-bye! for thou hast been here already far
+too long. And then, she hesitated for an instant, looking at me as if
+with pity; and she said with a smile: Thou must absolutely go, and yet
+my heart is sorry for thee, for I understand, what going means, to
+thee. Come, if thou wilt, I will allow thee, to bid me good-bye.
+
+And as she held out her arms, looking at me with a smile, my reason
+fled. And I caught her anyhow, with one arm round her waist, and the
+other round her neck, turning round unawares, so that suddenly I found
+her lying in my arms, gazing up into my eyes, with lips that trembled
+as they smiled. And I drew a deep sigh, and then I kissed her in a
+frenzy with a kiss that seemed as if it would never end.
+
+And then, I almost threw her from me, with a cry. And I turned and
+fled away, without looking back, and found, I know not how, the door,
+and knocked, and it was opened; and I got, somehow or other, into the
+street. And I went home like one walking in a dream, with feet that
+found their way of their own accord.
+
+
+X
+
+And I threw myself on my bed, and lay, all night long, asleep or
+awake, I know not which, but gazing with eyes that as it were shone
+into the dark, and a heart burning with the fire of joy, and a soul
+lost in the ecstasy of recollection, saying to myself without ceasing:
+I have found her, I have found her: and the reality is sweeter far
+even than the dream. And morning arrived, as it seemed, even before
+night had begun, for time was lost altogether in the abyss of
+reminiscence. And I rose up, and stood still, with my eyes fixed upon
+the ground, going over every detail, and striving to recall every atom
+of the meeting of the day before. And I said to myself: Ha! and fool
+that I was, I very nearly missed her, by refusing to go at all. And
+unless that lucky elephant had chanced to come along, I was absolutely
+lost. And yet, how could I possibly have guessed that Táráwalí would
+turn out to be the lady of my dream? O joy, that she caught me just
+before I went away! O the star in her hair, and the sound of her
+voice, and O the unendurable torture of being absent for an instant
+from the possibility of the nectar of her kiss!
+
+And then, all at once, I started, for a thought ran of its own accord
+like a dagger straight into my heart. And I exclaimed: Alas! I had
+forgotten. How in the world am I ever to see her again? And she said:
+Good-bye! Can it be that she intended I was never to return? Alas!
+beyond a doubt, good-bye was good-bye, and for all her extraordinary
+kindness, she was offended by my overweening presumption, and sent me
+away, and will not send for me again. Aye! all is over: for like
+Durgá,[24] she is absolutely inaccessible, unless she chooses to
+reveal herself to her miserable devotee of her own accord. Aye indeed!
+my arrogance has ruined me in her estimation, and I cannot even hope
+ever to see her any more. Fool that I was, and mad, to run away like a
+deer, never so much as dreaming of providing for my return! Now
+indeed, I have dropped myself into a well without a rope, and she is
+as utterly beyond my reach, as if indeed she were a star.
+
+And my knees shook, and I sank down, with my head buried in my hands,
+ready to cry, for sheer anguish, at the thought of my inability to get
+at her, and the horror on purpose to keep me in suspense, and torture
+my impatience. And then at last, she said: Sunset! What! didst thou
+fear I was going to say Farewell?
+
+And as she laughed again, I caught her by the hand, in exultation, and
+her laughter suddenly changed into a shriek. And she said, with more
+laughter: Nay, thou hast come within a little of breaking my hand in
+pieces, gripping it like one that catches at a twig, to save himself
+from drowning. What! wouldst thou requite a benefit, by injuring thy
+benefactor? Or hast thou again mistaken one hand for another? And
+again she began to laugh, looking at me slily, with her provoking
+pretty eyes: and she said: No matter, I forgive thee, for as I said, I
+understand. But O Shatrunjaya the lute-player, what is it that has
+made thee change thy mind, since yesterday? Or am I to go back and
+tell the Queen, once more, that her music-master will not come?
+
+And she turned, laughing still, to go away. But I sprang forward, and
+caught her in my arms again, and said: Nay, dear Chaturiká, do not go.
+Stay just a little longer, for art thou not her shadow?
+
+And yet once more she began to laugh, pushing me away, as she
+exclaimed: It is utterly impossible, O Shatrunjaya, for I have many
+things to do, and very little time. And I am not sure that I care to
+be embraced, merely because I am the shadow of another. Thou must
+contrive how thou canst, without me, to restrain thy insatiable
+appetite of embracing other people, till sunset. Patience! thou hast
+not long to wait.
+
+And she went out and shut the door, and suddenly, just as it was
+closing, she opened it again, and put in her head. And she said: Shall
+I tell her of thy anxiety to embrace me, or leave it to thee? Dear
+Chaturiká! Ah! ah! Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she
+turns away!
+
+And then she shut the door and disappeared.
+
+
+XI
+
+And as the door shut behind her, she left the whole room filled to the
+very brim with the red glow of triumphant love's emotion, and the
+atmosphere of the ecstasy of happiness; and the laughter, of which she
+seemed to be the incarnation, hung, so to say, in every corner of the
+room. And my heart sang and my blood bubbled with the wave of the
+ocean of anticipation that surged and swelled within me, so that I was
+utterly unable to sit still, for sheer joy; and my soul began as it
+were to dance in such excitement, that I could hardly refrain from
+shouting, resembling one intoxicated by the abruptness of a sudden
+change from certain death to the very apex of life's sweetness. And I
+said to myself: Sunset! So, then, beyond a doubt, she has either
+forgiven me, or is willing to forgive. And who knows? For if she has
+forgiven once, she may forgive again: when again, it may be, she will
+allow me to say good-bye. And at the thought, my heart began to burn
+with dull fire, hurting me so that I could hardly breathe: and yet
+strange! the pain was divided only by a hair from a sweetness so
+intense that I laughed aloud, without knowing why, like one hovering
+on the very verge of being mad. And so I remained, drowned in the
+ocean of the torture and the nectar of love-longing, every now and
+then waking as from a day-dream to wonder at the sun, who seemed to
+dawdle on his way, as if on purpose to separate my soul from my body
+with impatience. But at last, after all, day began slowly to come to
+an end, and I set out for the palace, with feet that could hardly be
+restrained from running as fast as they could go.
+
+And at the gate the very same _pratihárí_ was waiting, and she led me
+away, exactly as before, to the door, and opened it, and I went in.
+And I stood, listening to its sound as it shut behind me, hardly able
+to believe that it was not a dream, as I found myself once more in the
+garden that contained the Queen. And I stopped for a while, for my
+heart was beating so furiously that I was afraid it would break. And I
+said to myself, with a sigh of ineffable relief: Ah! now, then, I am
+actually here, once more. And O now, very soon, comes the agonising
+rapture of seeing her again. And I wonder where she is, and how I
+shall find her to-night. And now I must begin to hunt for a very sweet
+quarry. And suddenly I started almost running, paying absolutely no
+attention to the trees at all, with eyes that were blind for
+everything in the world, except one.
+
+And then, all at once, I stopped short: for I looked and saw her, a
+little way off, under a great _nyagrodha_ tree, sitting crossways in
+a low swing[25] that hung down from a long bough, holding one of its
+ropes in her left hand that was stretched as high as it could go, and
+leaning back against the other with her head cushioned in her bent
+right arm. And she had her left foot tucked beneath her, so that her
+left knee stood up in the swing, while her right leg was stretched out
+below, so that its foot just reached the ground, to allow her to swing
+very gently, whenever her toes touched the earth. And the lovely line
+of her great right hip seemed to cry for admiration, running down in a
+single unbroken curve from her waist into the ground, balanced as it
+were above by the slender beauty of her left arm rising from the mound
+of her left breast. And the rising moon which she was watching touched
+her with a faint lustre, lighting up like a lamp the great gem in her
+hair, and making the champak blossom that floated in the hollow of her
+bosom's wave glimmer like the foam on a midnight sea. And after a
+while, I began to steal towards her on tiptoe, fearing to disturb her,
+lest the lovely picture should be spoiled, yet yearning to be with her
+with the whole strength of my soul. But all at once, she heard me
+coming, and looked round and saw me. And instantly she left her swing,
+and came towards me, walking quickly with undulating steps, as upright
+as a pillar of her own tree. And I stood still, to watch her coming,
+and adore it, and delay it, but she reached me in a moment, and she
+stopped, and said with a smile: I am very glad to see thee. I sent
+thee, by the mouth of Chaturiká, a time, and yet I hardly dared to
+hope for thy coming: since doubtless thou hast a better use for thy
+hours than to waste them upon me.
+
+And I stared at her, in utter stupefaction: and then, all at once I
+began to laugh. And I exclaimed: Waste! I do not understand. What dost
+thou mean? Or what was thy object in bidding me to come to thee at
+sunset? Surely not merely to talk to me of music? And she looked at me
+gently, with surprise. And she said: Of course. What other object
+could I have? And I looked at her in silence, saying to myself: Can it
+really be possible that she means exactly what she says, and that this
+was the only significance of the word she sent to me? And suddenly I
+leaned towards her, with hunger in my eyes. And I said: Then indeed, I
+was mistaken. It was not so, that I interpreted thy summons. Alas! O
+Táráwalí, the only music that I came for was the music of thy
+incomparable voice, and I thought it was thy own deliberate intention
+to send for me simply that I might listen to it again, as I gazed on
+its owner with adoration.
+
+And she looked at me reproachfully, and she said: Again! Alas! I
+imagined that thou wouldst ere now have recovered from thy shock of
+yesterday, and be able now to help me; and yet, here is thy delusion
+returning, as it seems, even worse than before. See now, forget
+altogether that I am a woman, and let us talk of music, like two
+friends. And I laughed in derision, and I exclaimed: Forget that thou
+art a woman! Ask me rather to forget I am a man. Art thou blind, or
+hast thou never even looked into a mirror? Dost thou imagine me less
+than a man, bidding me forget that she is a woman who stands before
+me, as thou dost, smiling, and bewildering my soul with her maddening
+loveliness, and the absolute perfection of her body and her soul,
+showing the hungry man food, and forbidding him to eat, and the
+thirsty man water, and requiring him to think of it as something it is
+not? Or art thou all the time only playing, having no heart in thy
+body, or a stone for a heart? Didst thou summon me only to torture and
+torment me? Dost thou not know, canst thou not see, the agony of my
+suffering, standing close enough to seize thee in my arms, and yet
+kept at a distance, to listen to what I cannot even understand? I tell
+thee, I am drunk with thy beauty, and mad with intolerable desire for
+the incomprehensible fascination of thy charm, and dost thou dream of
+quenching my fire by talking about friends? I want no friendship from
+thee. I will be more than a friend to thee, or less: aye! I would give
+all the friendship in the three worlds for a single drop of nectar,
+mixed of thy body and thy soul.
+
+And as I spoke, she listened, putting up every now and then her hand,
+as if to stop me: and when I ended, she stood, looking at me in
+perplexity, as if utterly unable to decide what to do. And at last, I
+said: Why dost thou say nothing? And she said, simply; I do not know
+what to say. And I laughed aloud, lost in admiration of the
+extraordinary simplicity of her incomparable reply. And I exclaimed: O
+thou wonderful woman, how can I find words to express what I feel for
+thee? And she said, as if with despair: I counted on thy recovery. And
+I said: Count not on my recovery, for I never shall recover. And she
+said, with a smile: Then, as it seems, I shall never have my music
+lesson. And perhaps it would be better, if it ended here, without ever
+having begun. And in any case, to-night, thy visit must of necessity
+be a very short one, since I have other business, unexpectedly arisen,
+to do. And so, shall we say good-night, without any more delay?
+
+And I said slowly: If I must go, I must: for I will obey thee, order
+what thou wilt. And yet, wilt thou not allow me at least to bid thee
+good-bye, as thou didst last night?
+
+And she looked at me, as I leaned towards her, as if with reproach,
+and she stood for a moment, hesitating, and as it were, balanced in
+the swing of her own beautiful irresolution. And then, after a while,
+she sighed, and put out her hand, as if with resignation. And I drew
+her to me with a clutch, and caught her in my arms, showering on her
+lips and her eyes and her hair kisses that resembled a rain of fire:
+while all the time she offered absolutely no resistance, allowing me
+to do with her exactly as I pleased. And when at last I stopped to
+breathe, looking at her with eyes dim with emotion, she said, very
+gently, with a smile, lying just as she was, fettered in my arms:
+Hast thou yet bid me good-bye, to thy satisfaction? And I said in a
+low voice: Nay, not at all. For thou hast not yet kissed me in return,
+even once. And as if out of compassion, she did as she was told:
+kissing me gently, over and over again, for I would not let her stop,
+with kisses that resembled snowflakes that burned as they fell.
+
+And at last, I let her go. And holding her two hands, I gazed at her
+for a while in adoration, while she looked at me as if patiently
+waiting to be released, with a little smile. And I said: Now then I
+will obey thee, and go: for thou hast given me something that will
+keep me alive. And yet thou art cheating me by sending me away before
+the time, and thou owest me the rest. Promise me, that thou wilt
+summon me to-morrow, or I cannot go away, even if I try. For if I go,
+not knowing when I shall see thee again, I will slay myself on thy
+palace steps.
+
+And she drew away her hands, very gently, and turned away, and stood
+looking down upon the ground, reflecting. And I watched her, as I
+waited, with anxiety: for she seemed to be meditating, not so much of
+me, as of something unknown to me, that stood in the way of her
+decision. And then at last, she turned towards me, looking at me, as
+it seemed, with pity. And she said, almost sadly, and yet with a
+smile: Poor moth, thou wilt only burn away thy wings. Thou little
+knowest, what eyes are on thee, or the danger thou art running by
+overestimating me, and coming here at all. And yet, the mischief has
+been done, and thou art greatly to be pitied, having fallen under a
+spell: and thou art suffering from a fever to which nothing can bring
+any alleviation but myself. And it would be far better to refuse thee,
+since to grant thy request cannot possibly do thee any good. And yet I
+cannot find it in my heart to deny thee what thou cravest, since I am
+myself the involuntary cause of all thy delusion, and can give thee
+such extraordinary pleasure, with so very little trouble to myself.
+And so, I will give thee thy desire, and to-morrow's sunset shall be
+thine.
+
+And I uttered a cry of joy. And utterly unable to control my emotion,
+I caught her once more in my arms, kissing her passionately with
+trembling lips. And suddenly I shuddered with delight, for I felt her
+lips kissing me again. And my senses reeled, and I murmured with
+emotion: Ah! thou lady of my dream, art thou real, or am I still only
+dreaming after all? And she stood back, putting me away with her hand,
+and she said, gently: I am real, but thou seest me through the eyes of
+thy dream. For what is there, after all, in me, save what thou puttest
+there thyself, with the aid of thy fancy, and thy passion, and the
+recollection of thy dream?
+
+And I looked at her in silence for a while, and then I said: Promise
+me yet one thing more. And she smiled, and said: Thou art insatiable:
+and yet, what is it? And I said: Send me Chaturiká in the morning,
+just to tell me what I know already. For I shall be dying of
+impatience, and she is like a foretaste of thyself, and will help to
+keep me alive.
+
+And she laughed, and she said: Ah! thou art very crafty, for Chaturiká
+is far prettier than I. But I will send her for all that, to gratify
+thee to the full. And moreover, I am not jealous. But now, thou must
+absolutely go: for I must also. And she leaned towards me, with eyes
+that were full of an unutterable caress: and she said: To-morrow, at
+sunset, I will be thy dream. Only remember, not to blame me, for
+anything that may happen when awaking comes.
+
+And I turned and went away, with a heart that trembled in the
+extremity of joy. And when I had gone a little way, I looked back, and
+saw her still standing, looking after me, with her two hands clasped
+behind her head, as motionless as a tree. And after a little while, I
+looked again, and she was gone.
+
+
+XII
+
+And when I got home, I threw myself on my bed, and instantly fell fast
+asleep, for I was worn out by emotion and fatigue: and my slumber
+resembled the deep peace of my own heart. And a little before the
+dawn, I woke up, and went out, wandering where my footsteps led me,
+with a soul lost in meditation on Táráwalí, bathed in the nectar of
+reminiscence and anticipation, and yet puzzled by a doubt that it
+could not resolve. And I said to myself as I went along: How in the
+world can a queen like her, who laughs all other women to utter
+scorn, for beauty and understanding and gentleness and sweetness, and
+some unintelligible magic charm that is somehow spread all over her,
+and echoes in the tone of her delicious voice that makes every fibre
+of my heart tremble every time I hear it; how can such a queen as she
+show such extraordinary favour to such a thing as me? For I could
+understand it, if it were any other man. For then I should say that
+beyond all doubt, she actually preferred him to all others in the
+world, for sheer affection. And yet, as it is, it is quite
+incomprehensible. For, it might seem, that she must be in love with me
+herself, returning my affection: and yet it cannot be. For how could
+such a miracle as she is, the supreme achievement of the Creator, and
+the concentrated essence of the charm of all her sex, think of such a
+one as me, even in a dream, as an object of affection? And yet, if
+not, how is her behaviour to be explained? For I might perhaps believe
+that she was merely playing with me for her own amusement, were she
+any other woman than exactly the one she is: but as it is, no one
+could believe it that had ever seen her for an instant: and she needs
+no other argument in her defence than every glance at her supplies.
+And it may be, after all, that she took up with Narasinha merely out
+of pique, at being so unceremoniously slighted and cast off as a thing
+of no value by her booby of a husband, and, as it were, also out of
+gratitude to find herself appreciated at her true value, which she
+must very well understand notwithstanding all her own beautiful
+self-depreciation, which is an extra charm enhancing all her other
+charms: and afterwards, it may be, she has changed her mind, as women
+do, about Narasinha, without being willing to admit it, even to
+herself; and come, only the other day, suddenly on me. Aye! beyond a
+doubt, this would be the true conclusion, and the answer to the
+riddle, but for one consideration that makes it utterly impossible,
+that I am only I.
+
+And so as I debated with myself, all at once I heard my own name
+called aloud in the air. And I looked up, and lo! there was my old
+friend Haridása,[26] on a camel. And he said: Ha! Shatrunjaya, art
+thou thyself indeed, or another exactly like thee, or hast thou lost
+thy senses and thy ears? For here have I been calling to thee, all
+along the street, without succeeding in waking thee from thy dream,
+till now. And what can it be, that can so fill thy mind as to stop up
+all its entrances?
+
+And I exclaimed in delight: Ah! Haridása, thou art come in the very
+nick of time, the very man, at this moment, that I need most. Get off
+thy camel, for a while, and come and sit beside me, and find me, if
+thou canst, an answer to a question that I cannot find myself. And so
+he did. And as soon as we were seated by the roadside, I said to him:
+Haridása, listen. Thou knowest me well. Now tell me thy opinion: am I
+one that a woman might choose out of many for a lover?
+
+And Haridása began to laugh. And he looked at me shrewdly, and he
+said: Aha! Shatrunjaya the lute-player, so this was thy preoccupation?
+Art thou one to catch a woman's fancy? O Shatrunjaya, why not? For art
+thou not a musician, famous in the world, and a man among men, into
+the bargain? All women love a giant, such as thou art. Any woman of
+them all might do worse than fall in love with thee. And yet thy very
+question shows, that in this matter of women, thou art little better
+than a child, as indeed thou always wert. For even the Deity himself
+can never tell what man any woman will prefer, or why: as how should
+he, seeing that she does not even know, herself? And there never yet
+existed any man whom some woman would not worship, let him be as ugly
+as you please, or even for that very reason: and yet, let a man be a
+very Kámadewa, woman after woman will pass him by, without even so
+much as casting a glance at him out of the very corner of her eye. For
+a woman's affection depends on her fancy, and that is like the wind,
+that comes and goes and wavers how and where it will, without a reason
+that anybody can discover. And it is sheer waste of time to sit and
+wonder, whether thou art or art not a man that a woman might love.
+Thou art both, or neither: for the only way to settle thy question is
+to try. And she will, or she will not, of her own accord. And now, who
+is she, this beauty who has set thee so knotty a problem to solve?
+
+And I said with indifference: There is no such beauty; for all my
+perplexity arose from the line of an old song: Nectar when she turns
+towards thee: poison when she turns away.
+
+And Haridása turned sharp towards me, and looked at me intently for a
+very long while, saying absolutely nothing. And we sat talking of
+other things till he rose to go away. And then, at the very moment he
+was mounting on his camel, he turned, and came back. And he said:
+Listen! Thou art hiding from me something that maybe I could startle
+thee by guessing: but no matter. Keep thy secret: but listen to a
+piece of good advice, which may serve thee at a pinch. If ever thou
+wouldst have a woman prize thee, never let her see that thou settest
+any store by her. Treat her as a straw, and she will run after thee as
+if thou wert a magnet: make thyself her slave, and she will hold thee
+cheap, and discard thee for another. For women think meanly of their
+sex, and utterly despise the man who places them above himself: since
+in her heart every woman longs to be a man, bewailing her misfortune
+in being born a woman, and praying all her life for one thing only, to
+be born a man in another birth. And one thing above all she cannot
+understand, how or why any man should make a fuss about any woman, as
+all men do: which, just because she is not a man herself, she cannot
+comprehend. And like jugglers, that are not taken in by their own
+tricks, women look upon men as mere fools, for being taken in at all.
+For a woman's charm, to a woman, is not only not a charm at all, but a
+trick, and a lure, understood, and utterly despised. So now, be a
+man, and whatever folly thou art meditating, at least beware of being
+guilty of the very greatest of them all, by doubting of thy own
+superiority of manhood to the womanhood of any woman, no matter who
+she be: and earning her contempt, by lying at her feet. And now,
+farewell! for I have business with Narasinha.
+
+And at the name of Narasinha, I pricked up my ears. And I said, with
+feigned indifference: Who is Narasinha?
+
+And Haridása spat upon the ground. And he said: One, whom thou art
+lucky not to know: and yet, his name is _apropos_. For he is the
+Queen's lover, and an instance in point: since he leads her by a
+string, just because he treats her as a trifle, and not, as all her
+other lovers do, as a gem not to be matched by any other in the sea.
+And yet he is not, like thee, a man among men, but a man among women.
+For just as a dancing-girl loves to be treated as a queen, so does a
+queen love to be treated as a dancing-girl.
+
+And then, all at once, he struck me on the shoulder. And he said, in a
+low voice: Why didst thou start, when I named Narasinha?
+
+And without waiting for any answer, he got quickly on his camel, and
+rode away, never looking back.
+
+
+XIII
+
+And I stood, looking after him, with a startled heart, and then I went
+home slowly, saying to myself: How in the world did he guess my
+secret, and what did he mean? Was there a warning in his words? And
+what is all this about the Queen? Did he ever see her in his life? for
+if he had, he would long ago have discovered that all his rules have
+exceptions, of which Táráwalí is one: being not only the very gem
+beyond comparison that he spoke of with contempt, but a woman of women
+who very certainly never would despise any one at all, least of all
+the man who thought her exactly what she is, a star, far, far above
+his own muddy earth: a thing made of some rare celestial matter,
+differing altogether from anything to be found here below, fetched by
+the Creator when he meant to make her from some abysmal intermundane
+mine, where ocean foam and lunar ooze and sandal-wood and camphor lie
+jumbled up together with the essence of all curves and smiles and
+whispers and soft kisses and sweet glances and irresolution and long
+hair. And the image of the Queen rose up before me, laughing as it
+were in scorn at Haridása, and utterly obliterating everything he
+said. And I said to myself in ecstasy: Sunset will be here, very soon.
+And I reached my house, and looked, and lo! there was sitting at the
+door a Rajpoot, covered with the desert's dust, and holding by the
+rein a horse that hung its head, trembling still, and white with foam.
+
+And as I came towards him, he stood up, and made obeisance. And he
+said: Maháráj, thou art come at last, and it was time. And I said:
+What is the matter? Then he said: Thy mother sent me, and I have
+ridden night and day. The King thy father is dying, and every moment
+he may be dead. And now, if thou carest, either for thy father, or thy
+mother, or thy throne, there is only one chance for thee, to fly to
+them as fast as any horse can take thee, without the delay of a single
+moment. So my message is delivered, and the Maháráj is judge.
+
+And again he made obeisance, and went away on foot, leading his horse
+behind. And I stood, looking after him in a stupor, like one struck by
+a bolt from heaven, in the form of his appalling news. And I said to
+myself: Go I must, or my mother is ousted, and the _ráj_ lost. And yet
+if I go, the sun will set in the Queen's garden, and I shall not be
+there.
+
+And I pushed my door wide open, and went in, and sat down, with my
+face buried in my hands. And my own words sang in my head, over and
+over again: Go I must, or the _ráj_ is lost, and my mother ousted. And
+the sun will set in the Queen's garden, and I shall not be there.
+
+And I heard a laugh beside me, and I looked up. Lo! there was
+Chaturiká, standing in the open door! And she looked at me with
+laughing eyes, and she said: Ha! as it seems, I am just in time to
+save thy life: for thou art apparently all but dead. And, beyond a
+doubt, the Queen is a cunning doctor, who understands her patient's
+case. For she sent me to thee, saying: Go to him, O Chaturiká, since
+without thee he will die: and help him, how thou canst, to live until
+the sun has set.
+
+And I stood up, and seized my hair with both my hands. And I groaned
+aloud, and said: Alas! O Chaturiká, what is a man to do, when two suns
+set, in opposite directions? And instantly, all the laughter died out
+of her face. And she looked at me with dark eyes, and she said: Two
+suns! What dost thou mean? And I told her all, and she listened in
+silence, till I ended. And then she said, with a sigh of relief: Ah!
+is that all? And I exclaimed: All? is it not enough for thee? And she
+said: I was terrified, by thy talking of two suns. For I began to
+think the Queen had a rival in thy affection. And I laughed, in anger
+and derision, and I exclaimed: A rival! Thou little fool! I am sorely
+tempted to beat thee, for daring to think anything of the kind, even
+in a dream. What! a rival! to Táráwalí! Thou art stark mad. How could
+she possibly have a rival in the three worlds? But what am I to do?
+And she said: It is thy choice, not mine. Only when once a sun has
+set, who can tell, if it will ever rise again? And what am I to say to
+the Queen?
+
+And as she stood, looking at me, for an answer, there rose into my
+recollection the image of Táráwalí, leaning towards me in the
+moonlight, and saying: To-morrow, at sunset, I will be thy dream. And
+suddenly I exclaimed: Go back to her, O Chaturiká, and tell her that
+my only sun is the sun that sets in a Queen's garden.
+
+And then, to my astonishment, that singular Chaturiká suddenly threw
+herself into my arms, and kissed me without waiting to be asked. And
+seeing me look at her in perplexity, she burst out laughing, and she
+said with delight: Ah! ah! So then, after all, there is a difference,
+as it seems, between Chaturiká and Táráwalí. No doubt some kisses are
+far sweeter, but the sun must set, ere the lovely digit of the moon
+rises, and I must do what I can meanwhile, to help thee to keep alive.
+It was her own order. And moreover she will not be jealous, and will
+not scold me when I tell her all about it on my return. And I said:
+Nay, thou saucy little beauty, tell her with all my heart, and add,
+that her drug was efficacious, since sandal-wood and camphor turn
+everything that touches them into a little bit of fragrance exactly
+like their own. And take her hand, and kiss it, and say I send the
+kiss, like her message, by thy mouth, and here it is.
+
+And I caught her in my arms, and kissed her as she struggled, not
+willing this time to be kissed at all, exactly on her laughing lips,
+and then she went away.
+
+
+XIV
+
+And I said to myself in ecstasy, as she disappeared: Out on the very
+notion of leaving Táráwalí in the lurch, and losing the very essence
+of the nectar of the lady of my dream, so kind, so clever, and so
+wonderful as she is! Well did she understand, how the very sight of
+this audacious little _chetí_ would act like a balm on the fever of my
+longing for herself: carrying about with her, as she does, a
+reminiscence of the intoxicating fragrance of the great champak
+flower, whose messenger she is, like a female bee, scattering
+another's honey as she goes. Aye! Chaturiká is like a letter, smelling
+of the sandal of the hand that wrote it, far away. And Táráwalí
+understood it all, and sent her; not being jealous, as Chaturiká says,
+and indeed, as she said herself, last night. As if a star of heaven
+could possibly be jealous of a little Ganges pot![27] Aye! little did
+my mother dream, when she sent to fetch me, what influence she had
+against her. As if I would purchase any kingdom in the world at the
+price of sacrificing my sunset with the Queen! And how can I help it,
+if the King my father chose just this unlucky astrological
+conjunction, to die? Or what good can be done by haste? For if he is
+dead already, as is very likely, all is lost, and it is useless to go
+at all. And if on the contrary, he lives for a little longer, I shall
+find him still alive, if I start to-morrow. And is it likely he will
+live or die exactly so, as to make my starting now either necessary or
+advantageous? And shall I take the risk, and throw away the very fruit
+of my birth, for nothing at all? And what would Táráwalí think of me,
+if I left her in the lurch, counting her inestimable favour as a
+straw? Beyond all doubt, she would wipe me from her memory as a thing
+beneath even contempt, like a sieve, all holes, into which it is
+futile to pour anything at all. No, I will keep my sunset, even if I
+lose my kingdom. And yet, why should I, after all? For to-morrow when
+I actually start, I will go very fast indeed, preparing everything
+beforehand, and having my horse waiting for me, so as to lose no time
+when I leave the Queen, carrying with me as I ride the memory of
+to-night: whereas if I threw her over, and set off to-night, the
+thought of what I was leaving behind would be so heavy as utterly to
+prevent me from going along at all.
+
+And so I mused, waiting all the time with fierce impatience for the
+sun to sink, till at last day came to an end. And then I rose in
+delight, exclaiming: At last, at last, separation is over, and now it
+is time! And I went very quickly to the palace, and found the
+_pratihárí_: and she led me away straight to the door, and opened it,
+and I went in.
+
+
+XV
+
+And then, once more, I stood still, listening in ecstasy to the door
+as it shut behind me, and tasting, as it were, for an instant the
+delicious promise that the dusky garden gave me, standing like a diver
+on the edge of ocean, just before he plunges in, knowing well that it
+holds a pearl. And I stretched my arms towards the trees, saying to
+myself: This is not like the other times, but far, far better: for
+to-night she will not ask me to give her a music lesson, but she said
+herself, she would be my dream. And I wonder how she will do it, and
+what she is going to do. And then I went on through the trees, looking
+from side to side, with a soul as it were on tiptoe with curiosity and
+anticipation. And far away through the trees I saw the red rim of the
+full moon rising in a great hurry as if like myself he was dying with
+impatience just to see her, and saying as it were: I am the only lamp
+fit to light her, and I am just coming in another moment, like
+herself. And I passed by her swing that hung drooping, as it were,
+sadly from its tree, because she was not there. And little by little,
+my heart began to crave for the sight of her, growing restless and
+uneasy, and saying to itself with anxiety: What if something had
+actually prevented her from coming, and the garden were really as
+empty as it seems, and she were not here at all. And then at last I
+reached the terrace by the pool, exactly where I saw her first, and
+looked round with eager eyes, and she was not there. And then, just as
+I was on the verge of sinking into the black abyss of disappointment,
+all at once she came out of the shadow of a clump of great bamboos, in
+which she had been hiding, as it seemed, just to tease me into the
+belief she was not there, in order to intensify the unutterable
+delight of her abrupt appearance. And she stood still, as if to let me
+look at her, between two bamboo stems, just touching them with the
+very tips of the fingers of each hand, and saying in her soft sweet
+voice with a smile: Was I not right in choosing this as the only
+proper place for thee to meet the lady of thy dream, where we met each
+other first?
+
+And I stood, confounded and as it were, dazed, by a vision so
+marvellously lovely that it puzzled me, murmuring to myself: Can this
+be Táráwalí after all, and what has she done to herself, for she has
+changed, somehow or other, into the incarnation of some deity exactly
+like her, and she looks like an image of the wife of Wishnu[28] that
+has somehow or other come down from its pedestal on a temple wall? For
+she was clothed in some strange colour that hovered between pallid
+yellow and deep red, seeming to have been borrowed from the setting
+sun and the rising moon. And it was all pulled forward, so that it
+clung somehow or other tight to her rounded limbs, making her whole
+outline from head to foot look like soft marble in the moonlit dusk,
+and it was collected in front into one great heavy fold that hung
+straight down like a red pillar from the very middle of her small
+waist, ending just above her feet in great gold tassels, that nearly
+touched the huge anklets of green jade with which her two little bare
+feet were loaded, as if to help them to stand firm. And a soft broad
+band of gold ran right round her just below her lovely breast, that
+lay held in its gold cup like a great double billow made of the creamy
+lather of the sea, prevented from escaping as it swelled up by the
+delicious dam formed by the curve of her shoulders meeting the soft
+bulge of the upper part of her rounded arms, which came out from each
+side and seemed as it were to wave gently in the air like creeper
+sprays, free and unconfined, and not like her feet, chained down, but
+absolutely bare of any ornament at all. And on her hair was not a
+star, but a great yellow moonstone, that shone with a dull glimmer
+like a rival moon of her own, and over her left shoulder a long coil
+of dark hair came out from behind her head and hung down like a
+serpent, ending in a soft wisp like a yak's tail that was tied round
+with yellow silk. And the only thing that she retained of what she was
+before was the intoxicating charm of the upright poise of her whole
+figure, which seemed to say to me as I saw it: I am the one thing
+about her which she cannot possibly hide or alter, let her do what she
+will.
+
+And she stood quite still, as I gazed at her in ecstasy, lost in the
+wonder of my own eyes, looking back at me with her head just a little
+on one side, and her eyebrows just a very little raised, as if with
+appeal, and great soft sweet caressing smiling eyes. And then, after a
+while, she said, looking down: See, my feet are prisoners to-night, to
+do thee honour, as their lord, and they cannot walk fast or far, but
+it does not matter, as they will not be wanted, for I have a surprise
+coming for thee, by and by. But as to my arms, I thought it better to
+leave them without the encumbrance of any ornament at all. And she
+waved them gently in the air, and a little smile stole over her lips,
+and she said: It would only have been in the way, if the fancy should
+come upon thee to say good-bye in thy own fashion. And now, it was
+very difficult for me to know exactly what to do, so as to place the
+lady of thy dream before thee, since thou hast never told me what she
+looked like in the dream. And so thou must forgive me, if I have come
+in anything short of thy expectation, for I have done what I could.
+Art thou satisfied with her, as she stands? For if not, I must call my
+soul to the assistance of its body.
+
+And I stood, unable to speak or move, gazing at her almost in a swoon
+by reason of the excess of my intoxication; and after a while, I drew
+a very deep sigh. And she came towards me, very slowly, as I stood
+rooted to the ground; and she put up her arms, and laid one hand on
+each shoulder, with a touch like the fall of a flake of snow. And she
+said: I know what is the matter: thou art spellbound by a return of
+thy original delusion. But it will leave thee, and thy senses will
+return to thee, once thou hast said good-bye. And then, seized with
+frenzy, I caught her in my arms, and suddenly she prevented me from
+kissing her by putting her hand over my mouth. And she said with a
+smile: Wait! Am I equal to Chaturiká, for as it seems, thou hast been
+playing me false? And for all answer, I took her hand, and kissed it,
+and put it round my neck, and then fell to kissing her in madness,
+continuing for I know not how long, bereft of my senses by the perfume
+of her hair and the touch of her arms. And then at last, I took her
+face in my hands. And I said: Away with Chaturiká! Thou knowest all,
+and art only jesting: and my soul quivers in my body at the sound of
+thy name. And she laughed, as I kissed her very gently on her two
+eyes, and she said: Perhaps I know: and yet, I will not forgive thee
+for Chaturiká, but on one condition. And I said: Ask anything thou
+wilt: it matters not. Then she said: Look at me very carefully, and
+think ere thou speakest: and tell me, exactly what it is, in me, that
+chains thee so to me, which Chaturiká and others are without.
+
+And I said: Stand still, and let me look at thee, and think. And I put
+her away, and stood back, examining her very carefully just as she had
+wished, walking round and round her, and saying to myself: It is
+absolutely useless, for I know what to say without any need of
+looking, and yet I do not know if I can ever bring myself to stop,
+since she has given me, as if on purpose to delight me, a task more
+delicious than I ever had to do before. And all the time she stood
+absolutely still, patiently waiting till I ended, and looking at me
+every time I came round, with raised eyebrows and a smile. And at
+last, I could not endure it any longer, and I said: Ah! come back into
+my arms, which hunger for thee, and I will answer. And instantly, she
+came and stood, listening attentively, and caressing my ear unawares,
+as she listened, with her hand. And I said: Thy question is
+unanswerable, and my examination nothing to the purpose: since where
+was the use of looking at thy lovely body to find what is only to be
+found in thy soul, to which thy body owes the essence of even its own
+intoxication? For thy soul peeps out, from behind it, in the poise of
+thy head, and the straight erectness of its carriage, and the aroma of
+the royalty of sex that oozes, as it were, from its every gesture,
+mixed, in some unintelligible way, with a soft grace that seems to be
+all its own. But the spell thou art asking me to catch for thee looks
+from thy eyes, and lurks in thy lips, and murmurs in thy marvellous
+voice, which was silent all the while I was considering: and it is,
+some naive and submissive gentleness in the quality of thy soul, which
+turns all thy other perfections into instruments of delirium, and yet
+notwithstanding contradicts them all. For any other woman but thyself
+possessing even one of them would be proud, whereas thou dost not even
+seem to be aware that there is anything about thee other than the
+common. And as it seems to me, it is this, which is the core of thy
+irresistible fascination, giving to all thy particular elements of
+loveliness a kind of salt, that mixes with their sweetness to drive me
+mad.
+
+And she looked at me silently with meditative eyes; and after a while
+she said slowly: I wish I were a man, only for a moment, to judge of
+myself and thy answer: for in one way thou art right, since I cannot
+understand why all men seem to lose their reason, as soon as they see
+me. And I said: There it is again, the very thing I spoke of, in thy
+words: and it is so simple, and yet so indescribably delicious, that
+very glad indeed I am that thou art not a man, but a woman, and that
+it is I that am the man. And it would be a crime in the Creator to
+gratify thy wish by making thee a man, who art the very essence of all
+womanly perfection and attraction. And for satisfaction of thy wish,
+look at thyself through my eyes, and thy wish is attained, since I am
+myself the very mirror provided thee by the Creator for that very
+purpose. And so learn, by my mouth, that thy spell is something in
+thee that resembles the peace of a forest pool. And even to-night, all
+the while we have been together, thou hast been, and art, so curiously
+quiet, like the breast of a swan, bathing in the water of passion and
+emotion without even getting wet, and like the snow of Kailàs, never
+melting even in the sun of noon.
+
+And again she looked at me with curiosity: and she sighed, as if to
+dismiss what she could not comprehend. And she said: See! the moon has
+climbed high, and is gazing on the lotuses, and I am tired of
+standing, and the time has come to give thee thy surprise. And she
+drew me away by the hand along the terrace, and down its marble steps,
+till we came to a great tree that hung down over the water like an
+umbrella, leaning from the bank of the pool, so that nothing could be
+seen through its wall. And she took me and turned me with my face to
+the water, and she said: Stand here absolutely still, and do not look
+round, and I will bring thee thy surprise. And then she went quickly
+into the trees.
+
+And I stood waiting, exactly as I was told, listening to her steps as
+she went away, and wondering where she was going, and what she was
+meditating, and what the surprise was, when it came. And so as I
+stood, I said to myself: Can I really be awake, or is it all only a
+long dream? For I seem to have been dreaming ever since I saw her
+first. And time slipped away, and still I stood, straining my ears for
+the sound of her steps returning, and dying to look round, but never
+looking, and haunted by a feeling that was almost terror, saying to
+myself: Why is she away so long, and what if she never returns at all?
+
+And so as I stood, with my soul in my ears, turned as it were behind
+me, suddenly there came round the tree upon the water a great boat of
+the colour of a lotus leaf, turned up at each end like the neck of a
+swan. And it came straight towards me, and as it reached me, its
+boatman stood up, looking at me with a smile.
+
+And I started, and all at once I laughed aloud, for amazement and
+delight: and even so, I hardly knew her to be herself. For she had
+cast away all her deity, and turned herself into a _chetí_, resembling
+a fragrant essence of midnight without a moon, clothed with absolute
+simplicity in soft dead black, with her own dark hair for her only
+decoration, tied in a knot around her head like a cloud of misty
+intoxication, and floating about her shoulders in confusion. And she
+looked at me with questioning eyes that shone bright in the moon's
+rays, and said naively, with a smile that almost broke my heart in
+two: Now I am within a little of being equal to Chaturiká? Is the maid
+a substitute for the queen that has disappeared?
+
+And as I gazed at her in rapture without giving any answer, she said
+again: See! now we will float for a little while among the
+moon-lotuses, before we say good-bye. And this is thy surprise. And it
+is a delight that I keep for myself alone, and very few indeed are
+privileged to share it: but to-night, I am the lady of thy dream, and
+I will not do my favours by halves: and so thou shalt be my partner.
+And this is my swan's nest, and my floating cradle, in which I do my
+dreaming: for I can dream dreams as well as thou. And now I am going
+to dream a little, and we will dream together. And come, for the
+lotuses are waiting for us.
+
+And I got into the boat, and pushed it out upon the water, and she
+came to me of her own accord, and locked her arms around my neck. And
+we drifted to and fro, exactly as the boat chose, on the silent black
+mirror of the pool, never saying a single word, but kissing each other
+insatiably with lips that were never tired, lost in the bottomless
+abyss of the ecstasy of mutual union. And all the time she bathed me
+with the beauty of her eyes, that like the pool, drew the moonlight
+down into their dark depths, caressing me with soft hands that touched
+me like the fall of a leaf, and lips that smiled and trembled like the
+shadows of the lotuses in the still water's swirl. And the moon rose
+higher and higher, and the night crept unobserved away, for I was
+utterly unconscious of the passage of any time. And then at last as I
+lay, worn out and overcome by the excess of my own emotion, and
+lulled by the gentle drifting of the boat, and wrapt in the delirium
+of oblivion arising from the unimaginable reality of the lady of my
+dream, unawares I fell asleep.
+
+
+XVI
+
+And when I awoke, lo! the moon was standing on the very edge of the
+western sky, and dawn was glimmering in the east. And the Queen was
+gone! And I leaped out of the boat, which was fastened to the bank,
+and ran up into the garden, which was as dark and as empty of anything
+living as a tomb. And after looking for her a long time in vain, at
+last in despair I went away to the door, and knocked, and it was
+opened; and there stood, not the _pratihárí_, but Chaturiká. And I
+said: Chaturiká, what has become of the Queen? And she said, with
+emphasis: Forget the Queen, and remember thy father: it is time.
+
+And I started, as if she had run a poisoned needle into my ears; for I
+had utterly forgotten all about him. And no sooner had I got out of
+the palace than I ran all the way home through the empty streets. And
+I found my horse waiting, and I sprang on him, just as I was, and I
+went out of Kamalapura, making for the desert as if I were running a
+race with the god of death, to determine which of us should reach my
+father first. And yet as I rode, I was thinking all the time of one
+thing only, to return, quicker even than I went away, and listening
+to my heart that sang without ceasing Táráwalí, Táráwalí, as if
+keeping time to the rattle of the hoofs of the horse. And after a
+while, I began to say: If I am to return, it will have to be on
+another horse: for whatever else dies, or does not die, this horse
+will die, beyond a doubt, either at the end of his race, or it may be,
+even before.
+
+And it happened as I said. For suddenly the horse fell, to rise no
+more, while yet there was far to go: leaving me alone in the desert,
+with the sun right over my head. And I exclaimed: Alas! out upon fate,
+and out upon my own folly, for now I have killed my horse, that I
+loved better than my own soul! Alas! my horse was like my good
+fortune.[29] And if I had only started in the night, he would have had
+an easy journey, going slower in the cool hours. And I have offered my
+horse a sacrifice, and it may be, my kingdom also, to my deity
+Táráwalí. And yet, what does it matter, after all? Is she not worth
+all the horses, and all the kingdoms in the world? Aye! I would give
+them all, for another sunset like last night, with the lady of my
+dream. But what is to be done now? There is absolutely no help for it,
+and I must finish my journey how I can, going slowly on my own feet.
+
+And as I said, so I did: and so it came about, that faint and tired
+and overcome, by hunger and thirst and the long journey and the
+fierceness of the desert sun, I began to reach my own city only as he
+was going down. And as I slowly drew near it, making all the haste I
+could, suddenly there fell on my ear a sound, coming to me from the
+city, that smote it like a blow. And I stopped short, to listen; and
+all the hair on my body stood erect. And I said slowly to myself: I
+have lost the race, after all, for they are wailing in the city, and
+it can be for one thing only, that it is widowed of its King. Aye! I
+am too late. And I have killed my horse for nothing, since Death has
+arrived before me, after all, having annihilated my competition, by
+taking my horse upon the way. And I have reached my journey's end,
+just in time to hear the wailing, as if Death were jeering at me,
+saying as it were in irony: They must travel very fast who think to
+outstrip me.
+
+And I went on to the palace, never stopping at the gate to ask what I
+already knew. And they ran to warn my mother, and she came out of the
+women's quarters, and stood looking at me grimly, covered as I was
+with dust and perspiration, and almost ready to fall down, for sheer
+fatigue. And then she said: Fool! thou art too late, and thy brother
+has the throne. And now thou art little better than an outcast, and
+hast lost thy father, and thy crown, and me.
+
+And I looked at her, and I said: When did the King die? And she said:
+Sunset.
+
+And I uttered a shout of laughter, and threw my hands into the air,
+and fell at her feet in a swoon.
+
+
+XVII
+
+And when I had recovered, in a day or two, I came, so to say, to terms
+with my loss and my condition: saying to myself: After all, my father
+had to die, whether I came to him in time, or not: and I could not
+have saved his life, by my coming, no matter when I came. And so, the
+only thing I lost, by coming late, is my _ráj_. But what do I care for
+any _ráj_, which, in comparison with Táráwalí, resembles a mere pinch
+of dust, thrown into the other scale? Away with the miserable _ráj_!
+as if another sunset with the Queen would not be cheaply purchased at
+the price of all the kingdoms in the world! And I passed my days of
+absence in doing absolutely nothing but thinking of Táráwalí, and
+waiting, with a soul almost unable to endure, till the moment of
+return. And I sent a secret messenger to Kamalapura, saying to him: Go
+to the palace gate, and ask the _pratihárí_ for a _chetí_ called
+Chaturiká. And when she comes, tell her by word of mouth, so that
+nobody may hear thee but herself: Greetings to the Queen from
+Shatrunjaya, who has lost his throne on her account, and does not
+care. And when the obsequies are over, he will return to Kamalapura,
+on the night before the moon is full.
+
+And having sent him off, I waited, while the obsequies went slowly on,
+with a soul that almost parted from its body with impatience for an
+answer to my message that might help me to keep alive, saying to
+myself: She cannot send Chaturiká, as she did before, since it is too
+far off for anything but a letter or a message, which will have to do
+instead. But neither a letter nor a message ever came: though in the
+meanwhile, my messenger returned with empty hands. And I tortured him
+with questions, but all he had to say was that Chaturiká had listened,
+and bidden him to go away. And notwithstanding my bitter
+disappointment, I racked my brain to find excuses for them both,
+saying: I am a fool. How could I expect any reply, since after all I
+never put a question, and silence was the only answer to be given: and
+beyond all doubt, she is waiting till I come? And is it likely that
+she would trust a message to a man she did not know? She is keeping
+her answer to be sent in the form of a summons on the eve of the full
+moon, which was the only answer I was asking for. And yet, in spite of
+all that I could think of to cool the fever that burned in my heart, I
+chafed and pined, sick with anxiety and disappointment, and longing in
+vain for the thing that never came. And I said sadly to myself: Well,
+only too well, she knew, that the very shadow of a sign of any kind,
+from her, would have set my heart dancing like a peacock at the first
+symptom of the coming of the rain. Or can it be, after all, that she
+really did send an answer, which has somehow or other lost its way?
+Aye! no doubt, it must be so, for she is kind, and could not bear to
+think of the misery she knew I must be suffering every moment that I
+am not by her side.
+
+And so, perforce, I waited, gnawing at my own heart, until at last
+the funeral ceremonies were over. And instantly, I took leave of my
+mother, and turned my back on my relations, and set off at a gallop
+for Kamalapura, with my heart singing for delight, like an arrow from
+a bow.
+
+
+XVIII
+
+And I reached it, exactly as I said, on the eve of the full moon. And
+I said to myself, with exultation: Ha! to-morrow night, it will be
+full, and red, and round, exactly as it was a month ago, and shining
+as it did before, upon the boat, and Táráwalí, and me. And at the
+thought, I laughed aloud, for sheer joy, and came to my own door, and
+went in. And lo! the very first thing that I saw, when I entered, was
+my lute, lying on the floor with a broken string, and looking at me,
+as it were, with reproach. For a ray of moonlight fell exactly on it
+as it lay, as though to say: See! the moonlight falls not alone on
+happy lovers, but on those that are deserted! And my heart smote me,
+as I looked at it, and I exclaimed: Alas! my old love, thou art indeed
+discarded for another; for I have not given thee a single thought,
+ever since I saw her first. Bitter indeed must be the sorrow of one
+that is cast, like thyself, aside! And then, I threw myself upon my
+bed, forgetting instantly my lute and every other thing in the delight
+of the anticipation of the coming day. And I slept all night, floating
+as it were on a dark wave of the ocean of sweet expectation, and
+smiling so to say in my sleep.
+
+And when morning came, I arose, and went to and fro, singing aloud for
+joy, and saying to myself: Now the moment of reunion approaches, and
+the miserable fever of separation is nearing its end, for the sun has
+arisen and is rushing to his home in the western mountain, and his
+race, and my desolation, will finish exactly together. And now,
+Chaturiká is on her way, and will soon be here, looking like the dawn
+of my delight in a delicious feminine form. And she will look at me
+with her laughing eyes, and murmur, Sunset, exactly as before: and
+exactly as before, I shall kiss her, and send her back to the Queen.
+And so I waited eagerly, on the very tiptoe of expectation, with my
+eyes fixed upon the door. But day slowly travelled on, and yet she
+never came. And little by little, my delight slowly turned into
+perplexity, and anxiety, till at last, as hour succeeded hour, each
+longer than a _yuga_, my heart began to sink, lower and lower still,
+and I became actually sick with the agony of my disappointment. For
+the sun was indeed rushing down into the night, and yet she never
+came. And time after time, I went to the door, and opened it, and
+looked out, but no Chaturiká was there, and nothing was to be seen but
+the people in the street.
+
+And when at last night actually fell, and found me still waiting, I
+could endure no longer, but I threw myself upon my bed, and lay in a
+stupor in the dark, abandoning all hope, and on the very verge of
+crying like a child. And I said to myself: Is she ill, or is she dead,
+or has she gone away, or what on earth can be the matter? Or can it
+be, after all, that my messenger played me false, and never went? For
+if she really got my message, long ago she would surely have sent
+Chaturiká to summon me, knowing that it was impossible for me to come
+of my own accord, and that I should be sitting waiting with my heart
+on fire for her summons to arrive. And so I lay, tossing all night
+long sleepless on my bed, and cursing the moon, which poured as if to
+mock me a silver flood of light upon the floor, seeming to say: Think
+what a night it must be in the garden! until in an agony of
+reminiscence and humiliation, I turned my back to it, and lay with my
+face to the wall. And when at last day returned, I arose and sat, in
+deep dejection, worn out, and at my wits' very end, never even daring
+to look towards the door, which remained obstinately shut. And all day
+long I sat still in a kind of dream, neither eating nor drinking, and
+hopelessly waiting still. And at last once more the sun went down,
+after a day that was longer than a year, leaving me lying in the dark.
+
+And I know not how I got through the night, which I shudder even to
+remember; but when morning came, I was within a very little of being
+mad. And burning with fever, hot and cold by turns, for sheer
+impotence I got up and went out, and wandered up and down the streets,
+till at last for weariness I was obliged to return, though the thought
+of my deserted house was almost more horrible than death. And all at
+once, I looked up, and lo! there was Chaturiká herself, coming towards
+me in the street.
+
+
+XIX
+
+And at the sight of her, my heart leaped into my mouth, for she
+resembled the very last link that joined me to the Queen, in a
+feminine form. But at the very moment that I saw her, she saw me also;
+and she turned away, pretending not to see me, and went round the
+corner into another street. And instantly, I leaped after her like a
+deer, and caught her, almost running to escape me. And then, seeing
+that there was absolutely no help for it, she stopped, and stood
+looking at me with defiance, like an animal at bay.
+
+And presently I said: Dost thou not know me, that thou runnest so fast
+to get away? And she said: I never saw thee: I was only in a hurry.
+And I said: Now, from bad, it is worse; thou art lying. And why,
+instead of running away, art thou not rather hastening to meet me?
+Hast thou no message for me from the Queen? And she said: No: none.
+And I exclaimed: What! none? Did not my message come to thee? And she
+said, reluctantly: It came. Then I said: Then the Queen must know that
+I am here. And why has she never sent? And Chaturiká said: Is it for
+me to give orders to the Queen? How can I know why she does not want
+thy presence? If she did, she would send. I am not the mistress, but
+only the maid: is Chaturiká the equal of Táráwalí?
+
+And as she spoke, the tears rose into my eyes, for I remembered the
+words of Táráwalí, as she stood up in the boat. And I took her by the
+hand, and looked into her eyes. And I said slowly: Thou knowest only
+too well, for if thou art not her equal, thou art at least her
+familiar. And now, then, cheat me not: since the matter is to me one
+of life or death. Am I thy enemy, or art thou mine? Was it not only
+the other day that thou didst kiss me of thy own accord, as I have
+sat, these last two days, hoping against hope for thee to come and do
+again? And what have I done, to bring about such change? I liked thee
+better, far better, laughing: thou wert so joyous, and so pretty, and
+like the ecstasy in my own heart, in a woman's form. Aye! as I looked
+at thee, it made my heart echo, to hear thee laugh, since we were both
+of us devotees of one and the same deity, Táráwalí, thy Queen and
+mine. And now, something has come about, I know not how, to spoil it
+all.
+
+And as I spoke, all unconsciously I gripped the hand that I held of
+hers in mine, and it may be, that my hand whispered to her own what my
+voice alone strove in vain to say. For as I gazed at her in anguish,
+with tears in my eyes, strange! all at once I saw her face change, and
+her lip quiver, and tears stealing, as if against her will, into her
+eyes too. And she tried to laugh, without succeeding: and all at once,
+she squeezed my hand that held her own, with force. And she said, in a
+voice that trembled as it spoke, half laughing and half weeping:
+Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she turns away. And
+suddenly she snatched her hand away from mine, and turned as if to
+go.
+
+And I took her by the shoulder as she stood with her face averted, and
+I said: See, Chaturiká, my life is in thy hands. Come, do me this last
+favour, and I will never trouble thee any more. Wilt thou go straight
+to the Queen, and say I met thee in the street, and somehow or other,
+by hook or crook, contrive, that she shall send for me again, and very
+soon, for otherwise I cannot live much longer? Wilt thou? Wilt thou?
+And she hung her head, and said in a voice so low that I could hardly
+hear it: I will try. And I said: Go then, for I will delay thee no
+longer. And yet, listen! Come to me often, as thou art passing by, for
+the very sight of thee is life.
+
+And without speaking, she rolled her head up in her veil, and went
+away very quickly. And I stood, looking after her as she went: saying
+to myself: There goes my last hope. And lucky for me it was that I
+caught her: for without her, I would by this have driven my own sword
+home into my heart.
+
+
+XX
+
+And I went home feeling like a man saved from the very mouth of death,
+saying to myself: Now then, happen what will! for at least I have
+secured the key of the door leading to Táráwalí, in the form of her
+maid. And now, it may be, I shall see her very soon. For beyond a
+doubt, there has been some blunder, or perhaps she was occupied with
+business of moment, that left her no leisure for affairs like mine.
+And all my fears may have been in vain. And at least, I can wait with
+hope, and not as I did before, in horrible despair, cut off from every
+means of communication. And I sat with a heart almost at peace,
+prepared to wait till the coming of Chaturiká on the following day.
+But it turned out contrary to my expectation. For I had been waiting
+for little more than a single hour, when there came a knock at the
+door. And when I opened, there stood Chaturiká again. And she said
+rapidly: The Queen will await thee in the garden to-night at sunset.
+
+And I exclaimed, with a shout of joy: Ha! sunset! It is as I thought.
+Well I knew there was some mistake, and that she could not fail. And
+beyond a doubt, she had forgotten the time, remembering only when
+reminded by thee. Victory to thee, O Chaturiká! for to thee alone I
+owe the sunset, and now I will give thee for it almost anything thou
+canst ask. And Chaturiká said: Give me nothing. And she stood in
+silence, looking at me with strange eyes, in which, as it seemed, pity
+and curiosity seemed to be mingled with compunction and some element
+that I could not understand. And suddenly she came to me, and laid her
+hand upon my arm. And she whispered very quickly, as if she was half
+afraid of what she said: Do not go. And then, she turned and vanished
+from the room, as if to escape before I had time to ask for
+explanation.
+
+And I said to myself, looking after her in wonder: What! do not go? So
+then, as it seems, there will be danger. But little does she know me,
+if she thinks that any danger would keep me from the Queen. And
+indeed, in the garden there is room for any number of assassins, if
+Narasinha or anybody else were jealous of my visiting Táráwalí.
+Danger! And I laughed in derision, that was mixed with intoxication,
+as if the very notion of danger from a rival added, somehow or other,
+to the sweetness of anticipation, by stamping me as a claimant to the
+affection of Táráwalí who was greatly to be feared. And all at once,
+light broke in, as it were, upon my soul. And I cried out in ecstasy:
+Danger! Ha! at last, all the mystery is solved. It was danger that
+prevented my Táráwalí from sending me any message or bidding me to
+come. And all the while she knew it, and she had to be very careful,
+fearing for my life. And suddenly, I struck my hands together, and I
+cried: Ha! what a fool I am! Why, she told me so herself, when I saw
+her for the second time, and yet I had forgotten it. And all this
+while, in the peevishness of my own oblivion and presumption, I have
+been blaming her, expecting things utterly unreasonable, and loading
+her extraordinary sweetness with miserable suspicions arising from my
+own imagination, and the blindness of my insatiable passion. Ah!
+Táráwalí, forgive me if I wronged thee! But I will make it up to thee
+to-night, and beg for thy divine forgiveness at thy feet. And all this
+hesitation was all the while only on my account: and yet, brute that I
+was! I never guessed it, till Chaturiká gave me, as it were, a hint,
+and put me upon the scent. And what else was her delay but an
+irrefutable proof of her affection, showing that she chose even to
+allow herself to be misinterpreted rather than let me run on her
+account into the danger that she knew.
+
+And instantly, all the clouds of darkness and desolation rolled away
+in a body from my soul, leaving it bathing in the ruddy glow of
+sunset, and passion, and emotion, exactly as it was before. And I
+waited, plunged in the ecstasy of reminiscence and anticipation, till
+at last the sun began to sink. And then, once more I went, on feet
+dancing with agitation and delight, to the palace gates, and saw the
+_pratihárí_ standing waiting as before. And as I entered, never
+doubting that she had instructions of my coming, she barred the way,
+saying: What is thy business? And I said: I have come by appointment
+to see the Queen. Then said the _pratihárí_: Thou must come another
+time, for the Queen is not here.
+
+And I stopped short, as if she had suddenly run a dagger into my
+heart. And I said in a low voice: Not here? It cannot be. Thou art
+mistaken. And the _pratihárí_ said: There is no mistake at all. She is
+gone. And I said: Gone? Where? When? And she said: She went within
+this hour, to visit her maternal uncle; for want, as I think, of
+something better to do. And when she will return, I cannot say.
+
+And then, my heart stopped. And I stood for a single instant, erect,
+and I turned, as if to go away. And all at once, there came from the
+very middle of my heart, a cry, that tore me as it were to pieces,
+and I fell in the street like a dead man.
+
+
+XXI
+
+And when I came back to myself, I looked, and saw an old man with a
+long white beard gazing at me with anxiety, sitting by my bed in which
+I was lying, having been brought home I know not how as I lay in a
+swoon. And when he saw me look at him, he began to rub his hands
+together, with a little laugh. And he said: Ha! then, as it seems,
+after all, thy soul has returned at last: and it was time. For it had
+been away so long that I was beginning to doubt whether it had not
+said good-bye to thy body, for good and all. And now it has come back
+after all, by the favour of Ganapati, and the help of the Ayurweda,
+and one of Dhanwantari's[30] most unworthy devotees. And I said
+slowly: How long have I been dead? Then said that old physician: It is
+now nearly sunset again, and thou hast lain there without moving ever
+since they brought thee here from the street, about the time of
+sunset, yesterday. And now what is it, that has struck thee down, as
+if by a thunderbolt? For how can the physician cure, unless the
+patient tells him of his case?
+
+And I closed my eyes for a while, as if to rest: and after a while I
+said: O father, there is nothing to tell, to one of thy experience and
+skill: for since childhood, it happens to me, every now and then, to
+fall down and lie in a trance: and when once I come back, all is over,
+and I go on as before, till next time. And now there is nothing to be
+done, but for me to reward thee for thy care, to which I owe my life.
+And though it is a thing of little or no worth, I will count it, for
+thy sake, as if it were a thing of price. And I gave that old man
+gold, and sent him away delighted, for all I wanted was to be rid of
+him as quickly as I could, lest I should fall into a fever and begin
+to rave, and betray my secret against my will.
+
+And then, for many days, I lay, living very slowly, like one in a long
+dream, drinking water, and eating almost nothing, and going over in my
+mind every detail of my life since first I saw the Queen. And it
+seemed to me, as I mused, as if I had died long ago; and everything
+appeared to me like something that had happened long ago, to some
+other than myself. And day very slowly followed day, and life came
+back to me as it were with hesitating steps, as though it knew that it
+was coming to one that scarcely cared to bid it welcome. And then at
+last there came a day when I looked about with curiosity to see what
+might be seen, and lo! there in a corner lay my lute upon the floor.
+
+So, after a while, I said: Lute, canst thou tell me, how it feels to
+be discarded? And I went and took it up, and strung it, and began to
+play. And as fate would have it, there came over the strings as I
+touched them a sadness like my own, that seemed to say: Come, we are
+fellow-sufferers, and now let us weep together, since there is
+absolutely nothing else to do. And suddenly, the lute fell from my
+hands of its own accord, and I fell with it upon the floor. And I
+wept, as if my very soul was about to abandon my body, for sheer
+despair. And as I wept, I came slowly back to the self I was before;
+yet so, that the half of me was left behind, and lost for ever. And I
+said to myself: I have been robbed by Táráwalí of all that was worth
+anything in my soul, and it only remains to consider, what is the next
+thing to be done.
+
+And that very evening, I went out of my house for the first time since
+I fell down. And avoiding the streets, I wandered along by bypaths,
+till I reached the river bank. And I hid myself in the bushes, and lay
+watching the sun go down across the river, and thinking of Táráwalí
+and her pool, till unawares I went to sleep. And how long I slept I
+know not, but I woke suddenly in the night, roused by the voices of
+two that were talking close beside me, not knowing there was anyone
+by, to overhear. And as I listened carelessly without curiosity, all
+at once there fell on my ear the name of Narasinha.
+
+And instantly, I crawled, like a panther, little by little, nearer to
+those two talkers, until I could easily hear everything they said. And
+one was saying to the other: It will be very easy, and the reward is
+very large. Then the other said: But why does Narasinha want to have
+him slain at all? And the first voice answered: What a question!
+Anyone can see that thou art a stranger to this city. Dost thou not
+know that he is the lover of the Queen, aye! and so, that she is more
+than his life? And yet, for all that, he cannot keep her to himself,
+since she is not only a Queen, and above all his controlling, but also
+a lady of many lovers, roaming like a bee, from flower to flower, as
+she will, and yet leaving each in the lurch almost as soon as it is
+tasted, being as unsteady as the flame of a lamp in the wind, and as
+deep and as crooked as a river, amusing herself as if she were a
+female _trinamani_[31] by watching the irresistible effect of her own
+attraction on the straws that she finds and throws away, as soon as
+she has tested them, regardless of what afterwards becomes of them,
+since they are then absolutely useless, resembling mere husks, whose
+kernel she has eaten. And if he could bear to do without her,
+Narasinha would slay her out of jealousy with his own hands: but as it
+is, he cannot, however much she laughs in his face. And so he repays
+himself by wreaking his vengeance on her lovers, in lieu of herself:
+and one by one, they all pay the penalty of their presumption, in
+having anything to do with her, with their lives: giving him hard work
+to do, since she finds and casts off a new lover almost every day. And
+of all, the only one that has escaped is Shatrunjaya, the mad player,
+who lost his reason altogether when he found himself cast adrift
+without knowing why: and was accordingly passed over by Narasinha, as
+not even needing to be killed, since he was as good as dead already,
+and beyond the reach of revenge.
+
+And the second voice said: What a fool must this Shatrunjaya have
+been, to go mad, over such an _abhisariká_ as this Queen! Then said
+the first with emphasis: Thou art thyself the fool, speaking at random
+without ever having seen her: for she is a very Shrí, laughing all the
+other women to utter scorn; and small wonder that he fell a victim to
+such a spell, being as he is very young. And moreover, she is the
+cleverest woman in the three worlds, and easily persuades every lover
+that she is doing as he wishes to oblige him, and not as is really the
+case making him a puppet of her own. And not one of them all ever even
+knows of the existence of any other lover than himself. And
+Shatrunjaya is all the more to be excused, because she really took a
+momentary fancy to him, and cloyed him for a day or two with nectar
+that soon turned poison, as Chaturiká says.
+
+And the second voice said: Who is Chaturiká? And the first replied:
+She is the niece of my cousin on the mother's side, and she tells me
+all. And Táráwalí took her for a confidential _chetí_ on account of
+her cleverness and beauty: as well she might, since the little jade is
+very pretty, and clever enough to be prime minister to any king. And
+between the two of them, who are more than a match for any man that
+ever lived, Shatrunjaya had no chance at all. Little did he know
+Táráwalí, thinking to keep her beauty to himself, or confine the
+ocean of her charms to a tank! Poor fool! what a trick they played
+him! For Chaturiká says, that Táráwalí gave another lover the very
+_rendezvous_ she fixed for him, bidding her _pratihárí_ say she was
+gone. Well he might go mad, for as I think, any other man might lose
+his reason, to be kept standing outside the door, while his mistress
+was kissing another man!
+
+And he laughed out loud, as he ended: but I rose up from the ground,
+drawing my _kattárí_ from its sheath. And I leaped out of the bushes
+suddenly upon those two laughers, who took me for a ghost in the form
+of the god of death. And I struck at one with the knife, and as luck
+would have it, I all but severed his head from his body at a single
+sweep. And I turned upon the other as he stood terror-stricken,
+staring at me with open mouth, and I said: Thy jest was very good, but
+mine is better still. I am Shatrunjaya, and not mad after all: but
+thou shalt not tell my secret to Narasinha; whom I will send after
+thee in good time. And I struck the knife into his eye, so hard, that
+I could scarcely pull it out again by putting my foot upon his head.
+
+And I left them lying, and went home quickly, laughing to myself, and
+saying: Now they are paid beforehand, with their work still to do, in
+coin very different from that of Narasinha. And his own turn will
+come, by and by. And I wonder whose life I have saved, for I never
+caught his name. But no matter: I have learned, what is left for me to
+do: and it only remains to determine on the way. Alas! Narasinha, thy
+star is beginning to decline. Thou hast just lost thy assassins, and
+presently I will deprive thee of Táráwalí, and last, I will rob thee
+of thy life.
+
+
+XXII
+
+And then, day by day, I rose early in the morning, and ate the
+breakfast of a bull-elephant, and went out into the streets, hunting,
+not for a forest beast, but for a human quarry. And I roamed up and
+down through the city all day long, examining everything I met that
+had the shape of a woman with the eye of a hunting leopard. And so I
+continued, day after day, without success. And then at last, on the
+night of the Dipáwali, when the streets were full of people, suddenly
+I saw her coming straight towards me. But she never saw me, by reason
+of the crowd: and the prey is not thinking of the hunter, when the
+hunter is thinking of the prey. And I hid myself in a doorway, and let
+her pass by; and I followed her with stealthy steps until at last she
+turned away into a narrow lane that resembled the jaws of death. And I
+caught her up with silent tread, and all at once I took her by the
+wrist as she went, with a grip like an iron band.
+
+And she turned and saw me, and she started, and uttered a faint cry.
+And instantly I said: Cry out, even once, and I will sever thy head
+from its body. Make absolutely no noise, and I will do thee absolutely
+no harm. But come with me, for I need thee for a little while. I have
+been at pains to find thee, and now I will not let thee go. But unless
+thou dost exactly as I tell thee, I will treat thee as I did thy
+accomplice on the river bank, a little while ago. And she turned a
+little paler as she listened, understanding that I did not speak in
+jest. And I said: Go on before me, in silence, to my house, for well
+thou art acquainted with the way. And I will follow, just behind, and
+if thou makest, as thou goest, so much as a sign, thy head will roll
+from its shoulders on the instant. And she bowed her head, and went.
+And when we reached the door, I opened it and we went in. And I shut
+the door, and there was no other light than the moonlight, which fell
+in a flood upon the floor. And I said: Sit there in the moonlight, for
+I have something to say to thee. And she sat upon the floor, watching
+me with fascination like a bird before a snake.
+
+And I walked to and fro before her, and suddenly I stopped, and I
+said: Tell me, O Chaturiká, what would the Queen say, if I told her of
+thy habit of babbling to thy relations of her secrets? And for answer,
+Chaturiká began to sob, grovelling upon the floor at my feet. And I
+said: Sit still, thou little fool, and listen: for thou shalt earn my
+forgiveness by doing as I bid thee: and if not, I will save the Queen
+trouble by becoming thy executioner myself. To-morrow night, I must
+see her in the garden as before: and it can only be by thy
+contrivance. And now, how is it to be done?
+
+And Chaturiká said, weeping: To-morrow night it cannot be, since she
+has given that evening to another. And moreover, for thee every night
+is equally impossible, for she will not see thee any more. And how
+canst thou pass the _pratihárí_, or enter by the door, without her
+permission? And now between the Queen and thee, I am in the jaws of
+death. For thou wilt slay me, if I do not find thee entrance into the
+garden: and she will, if I do.
+
+And I looked at her with scrutiny and I said: I will help thee out of
+jeopardy. There must be another entrance to the garden. Is there no
+other door? And she said unwillingly: There is, but none can enter
+from without, unless he has the key, which the Queen trusts to no
+custody but her own.
+
+And I said: Then the way is found, luckily for thee: and thou art
+saved, since none will ever guess thy part in the arranging for my
+entry, if as I imagine thou art only sufficiently adroit to procure
+for me a key without her knowledge. And that I leave to thee, only be
+careful to bring it in good time, before to-morrow evening. And in the
+meanwhile, go and tell that other lover that the Queen has changed her
+mind: and put him off to any other day, it does not matter which,
+seeing that it will never come at all: since for the future, I am
+going to be the only lover of the Queen.
+
+And then, Chaturiká looked at me in such amazement that it deprived
+her for an instant of her terror, and suddenly she began to laugh. And
+I stooped and lifted her, and whirled her in the air, and stood her
+breathless on her feet. And I took her two hands and held them tight,
+and I said: Dost thou feel what thou art in hands like mine, a
+feather, and a nothing, and a straw? Now listen and be wise. Stand out
+of the way, between the Queen and me, for we shall crush thee, and the
+battle is one that I mean to win. And now I am going to show her
+something that she never saw before, the strength of a man: for a
+woman presumes, forgetting altogether that she owes all to the
+forbearance of one who can sweep her away if he chooses, like a wild
+elephant snapping a twig. And if anything goes amiss by any treachery
+of thine, I will break thee in pieces with my bare hands, hide where
+thou wilt, making it unnecessary even to betray thee to the Queen. And
+now, what have I ordered thee to do?
+
+And Chaturiká said humbly, quivering like a wild heifer that is
+suddenly tamed by the sound of a tiger's roar: To put off a lover and
+bring thee a key.
+
+And I said: Thou hast still forgotten the thing without which both are
+useless, and that is, to show me the outside of the door to be opened
+by the key. And that thou shalt do at once. Go out now, and walk
+without stopping straight to the door: and I will follow in thy steps.
+And do not look back, until thou art standing just beside it, and then
+turn for a single instant, and meet my eye without a sign. And then
+begone where thou wilt until to-morrow.
+
+And I opened the door and let her out, and she went away very quickly,
+leading me through the city and past the palace gates, and a long way
+round the palace wall, until at last she suddenly came to a dead stop,
+beside a little door in the wall, that stood exactly opposite a ruined
+temple of the great god. And there she turned and looked at me, and
+then continued on her way until she disappeared. And I stood and
+watched her go, saying to myself: I think she will bring me the key
+to-morrow, without dreaming of betraying me: for I scared her almost
+to death, and she is frightened. And I was very sorry for her, and yet
+it was the only thing to do, for there was no other means of reducing
+her to absolute submission. And yet she was beautiful to look at, even
+so, resembling as she did a feminine incarnation of audacity suddenly
+changed into unconditional obedience by standing between two appalling
+dangers, and only doubting which was the most to be feared. And very
+strange is the difference fixed by the Creator between a woman and a
+man: since the very timidity that makes him utterly contemptible only
+makes her even more beautifully delicious than she was before.
+
+
+XXIII
+
+And next day, I waited all the morning for Chaturiká to come, and noon
+arrived without her coming. And I said to myself as I sat waiting: She
+will come by and by, and I cannot expect her very early, for she may
+have many other things to do as well as mine. And it may be no easy
+task that I have given her to do. And now, what am I to say to
+Táráwalí, when I come upon her in the garden, and see her, O ecstasy!
+again? And strange! at the very thought of seeing her again, my heart
+began to burn, as if turning traitor to my own determination. And I
+said sadly to myself: Alas! I am afraid, or rather I am sure, that the
+very sight of her will be like a flood, in which every fragment of my
+resentment against her for treating me as she has done, and every atom
+of my resolution, and every recollection of all that I have heard to
+her discredit, will be swept away like chips and straws. Do what she
+may, I cannot drive my affection for her out of my heart, which
+obstinately clings to her image, utterly refusing to be torn away. And
+notwithstanding all that those two rascals said in her disparagement,
+my soul laughs them to utter scorn, telling them they lie. And who
+knows? For who could believe that a body so unutterably lovely could
+harbour a soul so unutterably base as they said, on evidence such as
+theirs? Aye! my recollection of her soul is an argument in her favour
+that nothing that they said can overcome, and I could forgive her
+absolutely anything, when I think of the gentle sweetness that echoed
+in her every word, resembling a perfume somehow mixed with her voice.
+And yet if my resolution wavers, even now, how will it be when she
+actually stands before me as she will to-night? And yet, how is it
+possible to absolve her for her inexplicable behaviour to me?
+
+And so as I mused, touching all unconsciously the strings of my lute
+which was lying in my hands suddenly a thought came into my mind of
+its own accord. And I took the lute and unstrung it, and chose from
+among its strings one, which I rolled like a bangle on my wrist. And I
+said to the lute aloud: Old love, we will work together: for if indeed
+she is my enemy, she is thine as well. And if, as those assassins
+said, she is only a body without a soul, playing on us both merely for
+her own amusement, then we will give her together a music lesson of a
+novel kind, and teach her that the deadliest of all poisons is a love
+that has been betrayed.
+
+And suddenly I heard loud laughter, like an echo to my words. And I
+looked up, and lo! there was Haridása, standing in the open door. And
+he said: What is this, O Shatrunjaya? Whom art thou about to poison,
+or who is going to poison thee? And hast thou solved thy problem,
+since I saw thee from the camel's back, pondering on thy own beauty?
+Or hast thou arrived already at the poison in the bottom of love's
+cup? How is good advice thrown away upon a fool! Did I not warn thee?
+Wilt thou never understand that the nectar of a woman is like the red
+of dusk, lasting for but an instant, and like the cream of milk,
+turning sour if it is kept, and like foam of the sea, which exists
+only during agitation, melting away into bitterness and ordinary water
+as soon as it is still? As indeed every woman well knows, without
+needing to be told, and therefore it is that she is nectar always to a
+stranger, and insipid, even when she is not very disagreeable, to her
+friends, losing her fascination, like the thirst of the antelope[32]
+on Marusthalí, for all that approach her too near: since all her
+delusion depends upon her distance, and vanishes altogether by
+proximity. Keep her always at a distance, O Shatrunjaya, if thou art
+anxious to remain under the spell.
+
+And I said: Haridása, I am only a fool, as thou sayest, but thou art
+wise. And now, wilt thou serve me at a pinch, by something more than
+good advice? And he said: By what? Then I said: To-night, I have
+business that I cannot avoid, and yet I cannot go out, unless I can
+find one whom I can absolutely trust to remain here till morning in my
+place, to guard a deposit. And so, wilt thou be my guard? And Haridása
+said: I cannot refuse, if thy need be extreme. For men to be
+absolutely trusted are very rare, and I am one. And is thy deposit
+large? And I laughed, and I said: Nay, on the contrary, it is very
+small. And it will be here in another moment, for I have been waiting
+for it all day long. And as I spoke, lo! Chaturiká appeared in the
+door, as if by a toss of the curtain,[33] And I said to Haridása: Here
+it is.
+
+And seeing that I was not alone, Chaturiká turned, as if to go away.
+And I called out to her, saying: Wait but for a single instant, O thou
+destitute of patience, and give me back my key that I gave thee last
+night, since I am in sore need of it. And then she came to me in
+silence and gave me a key. And I said: Hast thou put off the
+petitioner as I desired, to another day? And she said: Yes. And then I
+went to the door, and shut it. And I said to Haridása: I have an
+appointment, with one who may be friend or foe, for I cannot tell. But
+here is a hostage, that I leave behind me. Keep her for me, and never
+take thy eyes off her, and give her back to me, safe and sound, on my
+return. But if the sun rises to-morrow, and I am not here, cut her
+head off, for she will have led me into a trap, all unaware that she
+was setting it for herself as well.
+
+And Haridása looked thoughtfully at Chaturiká as she stood aghast,
+rubbing his chin with his hand. And he said slowly: It would be a
+great pity, my pretty maiden, if he came late, for thy head looks very
+well as it is on thy little body, which without it would look as
+melancholy as a palm broken short off by the wind.[34] And yet, do not
+weep. For Shatrunjaya is a bad judge of men and women, and I am a very
+good one. And if, as I think, he is altogether wronging thee by his
+suspicion, thou hast absolutely nothing to fear from me, and I will be
+thy father and thy mother till he returns to free thee in the morning.
+So dry thy tears, and I will return to thee in a moment to make thee
+laugh.
+
+And he led me away out at the door, and shut it behind him. And he
+said: Shall I tell thee the name of thy very pretty deposit? Dost thou
+think I do not know what thou art endeavouring so clumsily to hide?
+Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she turns away?
+
+And as I started, staring at him in stupefaction, he said with a
+laugh: Ha! thou hast heard it before? Didst thou not betray to me thy
+secret unawares, repeating it before? What! dost thou not know, it is
+the Queen's verse, which all the people in the city sing of every man
+who dooms himself by becoming the Queen's lover? I could have told
+thee, even without seeing Chaturiká at all, that it was Táráwalí
+herself who was thy nectar, and is going to be thy poison; and well I
+understand who is the friend or foe to whom thou art just about to go.
+It is the Queen.
+
+And he took me by both hands, and looked straight into my eyes. And he
+said: Fool! and art thou actually hoping still for the nectar that is
+gone? Thy hope will be in vain. I told thee, without naming her, to
+hold her very cheap, if ever thou wouldst have her hold thee dear. It
+was useless to restrain thee, for thou wouldst not have believed me,
+no matter what I said. There was but a single chance. For the moment
+that she sees that her fascination works, and that her lover lies
+gazing without reason or senses at her terrible beauty, she is
+satisfied, and throws him away: whereas had he only the strength to
+resist it, she might against her will fall in love with him herself
+for sheer exasperation at her impotence, in his case alone. But she
+swept thee clean away like a straw in a flood, and thou art lost. Thou
+hast been playing unaware with a queen-cobra, that has smitten thy
+soul with the poisonous fascination of its magnificent hood and its
+deadly eyes, and bitten thy heart with its venomed fang; and now all
+remedies are worse than useless, and come too late. I can see death
+written on thy brow, and almost smell its odour in the air. Beware of
+Narasinha!
+
+And he went in, and shut the door upon himself and Chaturiká, leaving
+me alone in the street.
+
+
+XXIV
+
+And I stood in the street, staring at the door as it shut behind him,
+as motionless as a tree. And I murmured to myself: Nectar when she
+turns towards thee: poison when she turns away! So then, it is the
+Queen's verse, sung of others and sung of me! And this was the meaning
+all the time! And this is what Chaturiká was thinking of, every time
+she said it, laughing at me in her sleeve, as beyond a doubt she has
+laughed at many another man before! And this is what the people say!
+And all the time I thought myself exceptional, I was only being made a
+fool, and one of a large number, and a laughing-stock for the whole
+city, and branded, as it were, with ridicule and ignominy as a
+plaything of the Queen, and going about unconsciously with her label
+round my neck: Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she
+turns away!
+
+And suddenly, rage rushed into my heart in such a flood that it felt
+as if it were about to burst. And from motionless that I was, I began
+all at once to run in the direction of the palace, as though about to
+wreak my vengeance on the Queen without waiting for a single instant.
+And then I stopped abruptly and began to laugh. And I exclaimed: Am I
+actually going mad, for as yet it is still day, and I cannot even get
+into the garden till the sun has set. And after thinking for a moment,
+I went away to the river bank to wait till the sun was down. And there
+I threw myself down at full length upon the ground, with my chin upon
+my hands.
+
+And then, strange! as I lay, little by little my heart began to cool,
+and all its fury ebbed gradually away. For as I thought of Táráwalí,
+it seemed as it were to say to me: I cannot find room, on second
+thoughts, for any rage at all, since I belong absolutely to the Queen.
+And all my rage turned slowly into such unutterable longing that her
+image seemed to grow dim, seen through the mist of eyes that were
+suffused with tears, as recollection brought her back to me saying:
+This is how she looked when she saw thee first, and this again, is how
+she lay in the swing, and this again, when she stood up before thee,
+as a _chetí_, in the moonlit boat. And I exclaimed in desperation:
+Alas! O Táráwalí, must I then condemn thee, whether I will or no? For
+they all say the same of thee, and as it might seem, it must be true,
+and yet no matter, for I absolutely cannot either hate thee or
+believe them, when I think of thee as I saw thee myself. And my heart
+laughs in scorn at all the efforts of my reason, never wavering for an
+instant from thy side, like an incorruptible ally, that cannot be
+induced by any bribe whatever to abandon its allegiance. Aye! would
+she but open her arms to me again, I should forget everything else in
+the three worlds, to snatch her in my own. How is it possible to hate
+her? And beyond all doubt, that rascal I slew hit the mark, when he
+said that Narasinha cannot quarrel with her, being utterly unable to
+do without her, disarmed in all his attempts to oppose her by his own
+conviction that she is absolutely indispensable to his own life. For
+she may have deserved ten thousand deaths, and yet what does it
+matter, if for all that she is a thing that once lost or destroyed can
+never be replaced, as indeed she is, resembling the _Kaustubha_,[35]
+or the third eye of the Moony-crested god, of which in the three
+worlds there is only one. And so since he cannot do without her, she
+is beyond all reach, and invulnerable, doing with impunity exactly
+what she pleases, caring nothing whether he loves or hates her, and
+laughing at the very notion of being brought to book, secure in the
+magic circle of her own irresistible attraction, whose very power of
+destroying all others is her own protection, like a spell with a
+double edge, such that, as that rascal said, she cannot refrain from
+amusing herself by trying its effect on all.
+
+And who could find it in his heart to blame her for delighting in the
+exercise of her own spell, like a child rejoicing in its toy, aye!
+even were he himself its victim, as its effect would be the same, no
+matter what she did, seeing that she must attract whether she will or
+no? Being what she is, she cannot help it: it is involuntary and
+beyond her control. And alas! I fell before it without a shadow of
+resistance, enslaved even before I saw it by her own dream, not even
+affording her the pleasure of watching her fascination gradually
+overcoming opposition, and asserting its power, and subduing me to her
+domination, against my will. And so I became a thing of no value to
+her at all, since in my case there was nothing to overcome. Ah! had I
+only been capable of seeming to be one on whom her charm would not
+work, then indeed, as Haridása says, I might have prevailed: and she
+might herself have fallen victim to the man who defied her fascination
+and laughed in her face, out of pique and irritation at her own
+impotence. And all the more, if what that rascal said have any truth,
+that she actually took a momentary fancy to me, strange as it seems.
+But alas! as he said, it is all too late.
+
+And suddenly I started to my feet with a beating heart. And I
+exclaimed: Too late! But what if it were not too late, after all?
+
+And as I stood, thinking of it, struck into sudden agitation by my own
+idea, hope glimmered in the darkness of my soul like the first faint
+streak of rosy dawn at the end of a black night. And the dream of the
+bare possibility of bringing back Táráwalí with all her old
+intoxicating sweetness almost took away my breath. And after a while,
+I said to myself: Yes, indeed, he actually said, that she took a fancy
+to me, even though it were only for a moment. And how could he have
+known it, if she had not herself confessed it to Chaturiká, from whom
+alone he could have heard it, since very certainly he never learned it
+from Táráwalí herself? Aye! and was not Chaturiká herself far sweeter
+at the beginning, just as if she knew I was no ordinary lover, but one
+with a little foothold in the Queen's heart? And if, then, I was ever
+there, why could I not return? And if her fancy has gone to sleep,
+could I not awake it? Can it be already so absolutely dead as never to
+revive, with not a single spark among the ashes to be refanned into a
+flame? How would it be, could I but manage to persuade her she was
+utterly mistaken, in supposing that I was only a miserable victim of
+her spell? How, if I could convince her that I valued all her
+fascinations at a straw? Would she not at least be tempted to try them
+all on me again, if only to test them and discover whether I was lying
+or in very truth proof against all the power of her charm? And if only
+she did, what then? For once she began, it would all depend on me,
+whether she ever stopped any more.
+
+And all at once, I uttered a shout of hope and exultation and
+excitement, suddenly taking fire at the picture painted by my own
+craving imagination. And I exclaimed: Ha! who knows? And at least, I
+can try. And even if I fail, it cannot possibly be worse than it is
+already, drowned as I am in misery without her: whereas, if I could
+succeed! Ah! I would barter even emancipation for a single kiss! And O
+that my courage may not fail, turning coward at the very first sight
+of her again! For the struggle to appear indifferent, in such an ocean
+of rapture, will be terrible indeed, since even now, the very thought
+of it makes me tremble, being enough to make me fall weeping at her
+feet. And now the sun is setting, and it is time to go: and in a very
+little while, fate will decide, whether she and I are to die or live.
+For I cannot live without her, and unless she will allow me to live
+with her, she shall not live at all, either alone, or with anybody
+else. For she will kill me, by driving me away, and I will take her
+with me, if I am to die.
+
+
+XXV
+
+And then I went away with rapid steps, all through the city, till I
+reached the little ruined temple, that stood exactly opposite the door
+that Chaturiká had shown me the night before. And I hid myself behind
+the image of the Moony-crested god, and watching my opportunity that
+none should see me, all at once I crossed the street and tried the key
+in the door, almost shaking with anxiety, lest after all she had
+played me false, by giving me at haphazard some key that would not
+fit. But O joy! the key turned, and the door opened, and I went
+through. And very carefully I closed it again, and then, first of
+all, I hid the key in a hole in the wall, making sure of my return.
+And then I drew a deep sigh, almost unable to believe myself once more
+in that garden which held Táráwalí hidden somewhere in its dark
+recesses. And I said to myself, with emotion: Ah! now, come what may,
+at least I shall look upon her again, and very soon. And even for that
+alone, I am ready to die. And it may very well be that death is close
+at hand. For if Chaturiká is in the pay of Narasinha, as she very well
+may be, and has betrayed me, I may be walking straight into a trap.
+For his assassins may be posted in the trees in almost any number. And
+little should I care to die, so long as they only slew me on my
+return; but I am terribly afraid of being slain before I see her. For
+then indeed I should suffer the agony of a double death.
+
+And I went on slowly in the shadow of the trees, guessing my
+direction, for I was going by a way I did not know, fearing not at all
+the death that might suddenly spring out upon me, but dreading far
+more than death the possibility of its anticipating my discovery of
+the Queen. And little by little, as nothing happened, I forgot my
+fears, saying to myself: To-morrow I will give Chaturiká anything in
+the world, and beg her pardon for suspecting her of breaking faith.
+But in the meantime, I must above all manage to come upon Táráwalí
+unawares, and escape her observation until I catch sight of her
+myself: for if she saw me first, she might hide, or even go away
+altogether, leaving me to look for her in vain, and making all
+assassination superfluous, since if I do not find her I shall simply
+die of my own accord, long before morning, of disappointment and
+despair. And so I went on very slowly, making absolutely no noise,
+like a Shabara stalking a wild elephant in the forest, dying of
+expectation, and yet not daring to make haste, for fear of losing all:
+until at last, after a very long time, I came to the terrace by the
+pool once more. And then I looked, and suddenly I caught sight of her,
+standing alone, like a pillar, on the very verge of the terrace steps.
+
+And I stopped short in the shadow of a tree, to watch her for a little
+and master my emotion, holding my breath, and lost, not only in the
+ecstasy of being close to her again, but in sheer admiration of the
+wonder that I saw. For she was dressed as it seemed all in silver
+gauze, looking ashy pale in the moonlight, and she was standing
+absolutely straight up, with her two hands clasped behind her head,
+turning half towards me, so that I could just see her dark hair
+between her two bent arms, lit up not by a star, but a diadem like a
+young moon, that shone all yellow as if made by a row of topaz suns,
+so that she looked like a feminine incarnation of the Moony-crested
+god, smeared with silver sheen instead of ashes. And as she stood
+still with her two feet close together, gazing at the pool, with her
+head leaning a little back against the pillow of her hands, alone in
+the very middle of the terrace on the very edge of its top step, with
+nothing but the dusk for her background, resembling a great jar, her
+solitary silent figure, rising from its narrow base into lustrous
+moonlit curves that ended in the tall bosses of her breast, spread
+wide by her opened arms, stood out in a vision of exact and perfect
+balance, so marvellously lovely, that as I gazed at it, remembering
+how I held it in my arms, unable to contain my agitation, I uttered a
+deep sigh.
+
+And instantly, she spoiled the picture, by changing her position, and
+looking straight towards me. And not being able to see me clearly by
+reason of the deep shadow that obscured me, she came back along the
+terrace in my direction, walking exactly as she did before, with the
+same intoxicating straightness of carriage, and the same rapid and
+undulating step, till I could have laughed aloud for very joy to see
+her coming to me, like the desire of my own heart incarnate in her
+round and graceful form. And as she reached me, she said, with exactly
+the same low and sweet and gentle voice that I was yearning with all
+my soul to hear again: Thou art late, for I have been waiting for thee
+a long time.
+
+And suddenly I came as it were to myself, on the very verge of ruining
+all, by falling at her feet:[36] saying to myself with an effort: Now
+then, all is lost beyond redemption, unless I play the man. And I came
+out of the shadow, saying with obeisance: O lovely Queen, that is thy
+own fault, and not mine.
+
+And she started back, with a faint cry, exclaiming in the extremity of
+sheer amazement: Shatrunjaya! How in the world hast thou got in here?
+
+And I answered with a smile, though my heart beat like a drum within
+me: Ah! thou delicious Queen, in this lower world many things come
+about contrary to expectation, of which this is one. And if thy own
+surprise is extreme, so is mine: since, as it seems, my coming is not
+only unexpected, but unwelcome. And yet how short a time it is, since
+thou didst entertain me with a sweetness so extraordinary, and so
+spontaneous, and so mutually tasted, that I thought only to give thee
+pleasure by repeating the experience, and that is why I came. And if
+thou art sorry to look at me again, I do not share in thy feeling,
+since all the pains I have taken to arrive are repaid by even a single
+glance at thyself. For surely even Indra's heaven cannot hold anything
+so unimaginably lovely as thou art to-night.
+
+And still she stood, gazing at me with strange eyes, and she murmured
+to herself, half aloud: Shatrunjaya! It cannot be! And I said: Nay,
+thou very lovely lady, but it can: since here I am, and I am I. And
+why not? Didst thou think I had forgot, what could not easily be
+forgotten, how we floated together in thy cradle among the lotuses? Or
+is it any wonder if I have thought of nothing else, ever since, but
+how to return? But as to how I came, it is a secret, that I do not
+choose to tell, since the fancy may take me to come again. And judging
+by thy excessive condescension when we met before, I did not think
+very much to displease thee, if I ventured to substitute myself this
+evening for another, who cannot even hope to rival me in the only
+thing that matters, my unutterable adoration of thyself: since of thy
+favour we are both of us equally unworthy. And yet, if, as it seems, I
+was utterly mistaken and the substitution is not to thy taste, I can
+very easily atone for my blunder by going away again at once. Dost
+thou really imagine me one to force himself upon a lady who wishes him
+away? O thou very lovely Queen, not at all. For I am just as good a
+man among men, as thou art a woman among women: and if I am not to thy
+taste, then, O thou fastidious beauty, neither art thou to mine. For
+the essence of every lovely woman's charm is her caress, which springs
+from her affection, and the desire to make herself nectar to her
+lover, without which salt, even beauty is beautiful in vain. And I
+care absolutely nothing for a beauty that does not take the trouble to
+be sweet. And well I know, by experience, how sweet thou canst be,
+aye! sweeter by far than any honey whatsoever, if it pleases thee to
+try. So choose for thyself, whether I shall stay, and revel like a
+great black bee in thy sweetness, as once I did before; or go away.
+But let me tell thee, pending thy decision, that if thou dost not take
+thy opportunity when it offers, it will never more return; for as I
+said, I do not like coming where my coming is met with distaste. But
+as I think, if thou wilt allow me to advise thee, and help thee to
+decision, we may as well make the most of one another, now that we
+are here, otherwise the moonlight will be wasted altogether, since
+to-night at least, thy other lover will not come. For I have taken
+care to exclude him, and we shall not be disturbed by any disagreeable
+interruption. And so, either thou wilt have to do without a lover
+altogether, or take me, for sheer want of something else. And the
+first would be a pity, and all the delicious trouble thou hast taken
+to deck thy beauty for its proper object, the delight of a lover,
+would be lost. For in thy silver ashes and thy moony tire, thou
+needest no third eye to destroy thy enemies, since thy divinity is so
+overpowering that not to employ it as it was designed to be employed
+would be a crime.
+
+
+XXVI
+
+And all the while I spoke, she stood, as curiously still as if she
+were made of marble, looking at me quietly, with her head thrown just
+a little back, and her left hand pressed very tight against her
+breast, and eyes that I could not understand. For they rested on me
+absolutely without anger, seeming as it were not to see me at all, but
+filled with some strange perplexity, as if she were hunting for
+something in her recollection that she could not find. And when I
+ended, she continued to stand, exactly in the same position, for so
+long, that I began to wonder what could possibly be passing in her
+soul. And I said to myself, as I waited in terrible suspense: Now very
+likely, in another moment, she will summon her attendants, and have
+me ejected, as well she might, for my almost inconceivable
+impertinence, which almost broke my own heart in two, to utter it at
+all. And if so it seems, even to myself, what must it seem to her? Aye
+indeed! for every word, I deserve ten thousand deaths, and I could
+forgive her, no matter what she did. Aye! and if, in a very little
+while, she does not speak, I shall be throwing myself at her feet and
+begging to be forgiven, unable any longer to endure.
+
+And then at last, all at once, her tension relaxed, and she sank back
+suddenly into her old soft sweetness, with a deep sigh. And her eyes
+seemed, as it were, to come back to me, and find me for the first
+time, and there stole over her lips a little smile. And as I saw it,
+my heart almost broke with delight, for I said to myself: She has
+changed her mind about me; after all, and now my plan is beginning to
+succeed. Alas! little did I fathom the unfathomable intelligence of
+that extraordinary Queen! And presently she said, with exactly the
+same gentleness in her low voice that made my heart tremble exactly as
+before, every time it spoke: Thou art, beyond all doubt, the very
+first man in all the world, not only for effrontery and impertinence,
+but also, for this, that thou hast succeeded in imposing upon me,
+which no man ever yet did before. For in my simplicity I had thought
+thee quite another, making in thy solitary instance a mistake, unusual
+with me, and making me ashamed: since as a rule, men's hearts are no
+secret for my own, and I read them at a glance.
+
+And she looked at me with a smile, and inscrutable clear eyes, whose
+expression was a puzzle to my soul. And I said: Then, since thou
+readest hearts so easily, why couldst thou not read mine also, as it
+is very plain thou didst not? And she said: Why very plain? And I
+said: Why didst thou send no answer to my message, and why didst thou
+summon me at sunset, and yet go away, leaving me nothing but the scorn
+of thy servants at thy gate?
+
+And she looked at me in blank amazement, and she said: What dost thou
+mean? I never got any message, and if any summons came to thee, it was
+not sent by me. For I have not heard anything of thee at all, since I
+left thee at midnight in my boat.
+
+And as she spoke, there came a mist before my eyes, and all the blood
+in my body rushed suddenly into my heart, as if to burst it, and then
+as suddenly left it, so that I almost swooned. And all at once, I
+exclaimed with a shout: Chaturiká! Ah! then I was deceived! Ah! then
+it was not thou! Ah! then I was not slighted by thee as a thing to be
+despised! Ah! then thou art not as they say, one that forgets and
+throws away her lovers almost as soon as she has seen them first! Ah!
+had I only known, I never would have stolen unawares into thy privacy
+to-night! Say, say, that thou art not such a woman as they say!
+
+And again she looked at me, with those strange quiet eyes; and after a
+while, she said with a sigh: Thou art right. They say, but they do not
+understand. And yet, what does it matter what they say? Is it my
+fault, if every man that sees me is seized as it were with madness,
+and instantly steps over the line that divides friendship from
+passionate affection, asking me for what I cannot give him, with such
+eager insistence, that in my own defence I am driven to dismiss him
+altogether? And she smiled, and she said, with playfulness and wistful
+eyes: Must I belong to everyone, merely because he claims me as his
+own, and his property, and give myself to everyone that sees me in a
+dream?
+
+And I trembled from head to foot, and I said in a voice that shook
+with entreaty and emotion like a leaf: Ah! then have I thy permission
+to stay with thee to-night, notwithstanding my overweening presumption
+in coming of my own accord without an invitation? Ah! I did not know:
+my heart is breaking: do not send me away!
+
+And as she stood, looking at me with irresolution, I stretched my
+hands towards her, absolutely senseless, and not knowing what I did.
+And she hesitated for yet a little while; and then, with a sigh, she
+put her two hands into my own. And with a shudder of joy, I pulled her
+to me, and caught her once more in my arms, and began to kiss her,
+with hot tears that fell upon her face, quivering all over with the
+extremity of my agitation, and not believing that it was not a dream.
+
+And then, after a long while, I came, somehow or other, to my senses,
+and became, a little, master of myself. And I looked at her with eyes
+dim with affection, and I took her two arms, and put them round my
+neck. And I whispered in her ear: Now give me a kiss for every day
+that I have not seen thee, since I fell asleep in thy boat. And as if
+with resignation and compliance and submission to my will, she did
+exactly as I told her, stopping time after time, but I would not let
+her stop. And at last, I stopped. And I said: There are more still
+owing, for thou hast not counted right. But now I will ask thee a
+question, just to give thee time to breathe.
+
+
+XXVII
+
+And as I held her still in my arms, with her own arms round my neck,
+she said: Ask. Then I said: Didst thou know, when I came to thee last
+time, that my coming delayed me in a matter of life and death? And she
+said: Something I knew, from the chatter of Chaturiká. And I said:
+Didst thou know that my kingdom depended on my going fast? For as it
+is, I lost it, all by coming late. And she said: It was no business of
+mine. And I said: What! wouldst thou deprive me of a kingdom, by
+placing thyself, for a single sunset, in the other scale? And she
+said: I did not bid thee stay. I had sent to thee already, asking thee
+to come: and if another summons called thee, after mine, the choice
+was thine, between them. I told thee only, I awaited thee: and it was
+true. And I said: What if I had not come? And she said: Then it may
+be, thou wouldst have kept thy kingdom, and lost thy interview with
+me. That is all. It was not I, who had anything to do either with
+causing thy dilemma, or determining its conclusion. And I said: Beyond
+a doubt, the loss of any kingdom would be a trifle in comparison with
+thy affection: and yet the loss is certain, and the affection
+doubtful. For I showed thee very plainly which I chose, and my kingdom
+is gone. I have thrown it clean away for thy sake. And have I its
+equivalent? Wilt thou make it up to me by giving me thy soul? And she
+said, gently: It is not mine, to give away, for I belong to Narasinha,
+body and soul, as I told thee long ago.
+
+And I said: How canst thou say so, when I hold thee in my arms? And
+she said, quietly: Thou art but a momentary accident, due rather to my
+yielding myself, against my own will, and of pity for thy unhappy
+passion, than to any hold that thou hast on my heart. And Narasinha
+learned of thy former visit to me in this garden, as very soon he will
+learn of this also, since I tell him every detail of my life, great or
+small. And he made me promise never to see thee any more. And so I had
+intended: but thou hast managed to steal in, somehow or other, of thy
+own accord. It is not by my doing that thou art here now at all.
+
+And I let her go, and stood gazing at her with amazement, that was
+mixed with bitter disappointment and irritation, and fierce
+exasperation at this obstacle of Narasinha, who, out of my reach, and
+hiding behind her as a screen, issued orders that I was to be shut out
+of her garden and banished from her presence, whether she would or
+not. And my heart swelled with resentment and indignation, and I said:
+O Táráwalí, Narasinha may shut his eyes, or not, as he chooses, but I
+am very different, and will not take orders as to thee, from him or
+anybody else. Thou art my mistress and not his. And she shook her
+head, and she said, very gently: Nay, thou dost not understand. I am
+not anybody's mistress. I am my own mistress, and do exactly as I
+please, whether he or any other like it or not. There lives not the
+man who shall say to me: Here is a line, and over it, thou shalt not
+step. And whatever I do, I do, of my own free will, not of obedience,
+but of my own consent. I have given my body and soul away, but my will
+is mine.
+
+And I said with emphasis: I have bought thee at the price of a
+kingdom, and become a beggar on thy account, and mine thou art, by
+right. Dost thou actually tell me, I am to lose my kingdom, and get
+absolutely nothing in exchange? And she said, always with the same
+sweet and quiet voice, whose tone never varied, adding by the very
+charm of its gentle music fire to the exasperating sting that lay in
+the words it said: I have nothing at all to do with thy kingdom, and
+if thou hast lost it, I am very sorry: yet blame not me for its loss,
+but thyself alone, for the choice was thine. And moreover, I am not
+for sale. I give myself, or part of me, to anyone I choose. It is for
+dealers and merchants to bargain. I never bargain. I am a Queen. And I
+said in wrath: Thou shalt give thyself no longer to anyone but me.
+Thou hast already cheated me by making me the loser in a bargain where
+I lose all, gaining nothing in exchange. But I will have either my
+kingdom or thyself: and if not the kingdom, which is gone, then thee.
+And she said quietly: Say nothing rash, or harsh, or ill-considered.
+It is not I that have cheated thee out of thy kingdom: it is no one
+but thyself.
+
+And I exclaimed: What! didst thou not cheat me by telling me thou
+didst love me long ago? And she broke in instantly, and said: I said
+nothing of the kind: it is thy own imagination. I never told thee
+anything so false as that I loved thee. And I said: Nay, not in words,
+but in a language deeper far than any words. What woman ever gave a
+man what thou hast given me, without telling him very plainly, he was
+the object of her love? And she said quietly: It was but thy own
+inference, and utterly unwarranted. And I said: Why didst thou then
+allow me to make love to thee at all? And she said, very gently: I did
+not ask, nor even wish thee, to make love to me at all. But I was
+touched by thy emotion, and thy passion, and thy miserable longing,
+and willing to soothe it, and gratify it, for an instant, letting thee
+taste that nectar for which thou wert so obviously dying: for I am
+kind.
+
+And I exclaimed with a shout: Kind! Why, what is thy kindness but the
+very extremity of unkindness? What! and did all thy caresses mean
+absolutely nothing? And she said, very gently: They meant exactly what
+they were, gifts and boons, bestowed of sheer compassion: and if from
+their receipt, thou hast drawn the conclusion that thy affection was
+returned, it is not so: it is only thy own unjustified construction,
+for thou art not, and never can be, anything to me, but the thing that
+thou wilt not be, a mere friend. And I said: What kind of a woman art
+thou to betray me with kisses? And she said: I am only what I am: but
+thou art most unfair to me, and instead of peevishly demanding of me
+what I cannot give, and growing so unreasonably angry, thou oughtest
+rather to be very grateful to me, for giving thee anything at all. I
+told thee almost as soon as I had seen thee, in the very beginning of
+all, that I belonged, body and soul, to Narasinha: and yet
+notwithstanding, I took pity on thee, for thy misery, and gave thee,
+by concession, what I might very easily have refused, humouring thy
+weakness like that of a child, crying for what he cannot have. But
+never did I promise thee anything beyond: and I even told thee, if
+thou canst remember it, that it might injure thee and could not do
+thee any good. But thou wert blind, and as it were buried in thy
+dream. Did I not warn thee, and entreat thee beforehand, not to blame
+me, when the dream was over, and reality returned? And when I had
+surfeited thy longing, and dismissed thee, I meant it to be the end,
+for it was all I had to give. In all, it is not I, that have in any
+way whatever deceived thee: thou hast all along only deceived thyself.
+And if I have deceived at all, it is myself alone I have deceived, by
+expecting any gratitude for the boon of my compassion, and the favour
+that I poured on thee with no miser's band, because I blamed myself
+for being innocently guilty of becoming the unintentional object of
+thy passion, and its involuntary cause.
+
+
+XXVIII
+
+And I listened, so utterly confounded by the very simplicity of her
+apology, which overturned all my accusations, and put me in the wrong,
+that I stood in silence, unable to find anything to say. And in my
+stupefaction, I began to laugh. And I said: Ha! Nectar when she turns
+towards thee: poison when she turns away! Hast thou never heard the
+Queen's verse? And she said: What! wilt thou actually lay on me the
+burden of refuting the silly slander of a rhyme, circulated by little
+rascals merely for want of something else to say? Can I help what they
+say, or shall I even stoop to listen when they say it, who will say
+anything of queens, without shame for the envious venom of their own
+base insignificance, knowing all the time absolutely nothing, but
+making mere noise, like frogs all croaking together in a marsh? Or if
+I must absolutely answer, in spite of my disdain, how can I prevent
+any lover, such as thyself, from persuading himself of what he wishes
+to believe? For all of them resemble thee, behaving like unreasonable
+bulls, the very moment that they see me, and pestering me like flies,
+to my torment, and yet would blame me for driving them away. And every
+one of them, exactly like thee, imagines me his own, for no reason
+that I am ever able to discover, although I tell them all, exactly as
+I told thee, that I belong to Narasinha.
+
+And I said in wrath: I will slice off the head of Narasinha, by and
+by, as I have done already for some of his tools. And I will not be
+the plaything of a moment, to be cast aside the next. I have lost a
+kingdom for thy sake, and will have thee to repay me, whether thou
+wilt or no. And she said with a smile: Thou art angry, and talking
+nonsense in thy anger, as angry men will. Dost thou not see that thou
+art bereft of thy senses? For, kingdom or no kingdom, how canst thou
+be so silly as to propose to force me, willy nilly, to love thee when
+I do not love? If I loved thee, I should say so, and all force would
+be superfluous: if not, it would be not only useless, but injurious to
+thy own cause, seeing that the more thou forcest, the less wilt thou
+obtain: nay, whereas now thou art indifferent, thou wilt bring it
+about that I shall hate thee in the end, as I am beginning to do a
+very little even now. And then it will be worse for thee in every way.
+For thou dost not seem ever to remember that I am, after all, not only
+a woman, but a queen.
+
+And I looked at her as she spoke, saying to myself: She is wrong, for
+nobody looking at her ever could forget it, even for a moment, just
+because, like the grace of a lily, it is forgotten by herself, and she
+would still be a queen, even if she were not a queen at all. And she
+looks at me, notwithstanding the biting reproof in her words, with
+exactly the same intoxicating and caressing sweetness, as if I were
+still a dear friend with whom she were unwilling to quarrel. And I
+gazed at her, yearning towards her with every fibre of my soul, and
+yet exasperated almost beyond endurance at the thought that she was
+keeping me like a stranger at a distance from her heart, in order to
+preserve it for another. And after a while, I said slowly: If thy
+affection is not to be given to me, it shall never be given to anybody
+else. And she said, as if with curiosity: Thou art surely mad. For how
+canst thou prevent any other from following thy own example, and doing
+just what thou hast done thyself, losing thy reason at the sight of
+me, as all men always do? Dost thou not see that my power to excite
+affection is far greater than thine to prevent it? And I said: It
+would be very very easy for me to prevent all others from ever loving
+thee again.
+
+And she looked at me with eyes, in whose unruffled calm there was not
+even the faintest shadow of any fear. And she said quietly: I
+understand thee very well, and yet for all that I tell thee thou art
+raving, and thou art, without knowing it, very like the very man thou
+hatest most, Narasinha. For often he has said to me the very same
+thing that thou art saying now: and yet, though according to thee, the
+thing is very easy, he finds it so difficult as to be utterly
+impossible. For he cannot endure to do without me, even in a dream,
+and cannot therefore bring himself to slay me, as he is constantly
+threatening to do, knowing very well that he might rather slay
+himself, since once I am gone, he will never find another me, to put
+in my place. And this is true, even though I cannot understand it:
+just as I cannot understand what it is that makes me indispensable to
+thee or to anybody else. For I know it only by its effect. And so I am
+my own protection, against all his threats, or thine. And if I had
+thought otherwise, what could have been easier, since thou talkest of
+easy things, than to have summoned my attendants and bade them put
+thee out, when it may be, thy life would have paid for thy marvellous
+impertinence, in intruding unbidden, as perhaps it still may, without
+any instigation of my own at all? Thou dost not seem to understand
+that all this while thy own life is in far greater danger than mine;
+since thou hast done a thing that will not be forgiven thee by others,
+though I myself have not only forgiven thee, but well understanding
+the fiery goad that drove thee into my presence, have treated thee,
+for yet once more, with kindness and condescension far beyond any
+deserts of thine. And for all return, thou art threatening even to
+slay me. But I am destitute of fear.
+
+And she stood before me in the moonlight, that turned her as it clung
+to all her limbs into a thing beautiful beyond all earthly dreams,
+absolutely fearless, and with a dignity whose royalty was not only
+that of a queen, but of loveliness laughing to scorn all possible
+comparison, seeming to say without the need of any words: Art thou
+brave enough, and fool enough, to lay rude hands on such a thing as I
+am, or even if thy folly were equal to thy courage, canst thou find it
+in thy heart to think of violence offered to it, by thyself or any
+other, even in a dream? And my heart burned, for sheer adoration, and
+yet strange! it began to sink at the very same time, as I gazed at
+her, looking at me quietly in return. For there was something
+absolutely unanswerable, not only in herself, but in everything she
+said, and yet her very simplicity that overwhelmed me with its soft
+irrefutable sweetness increased the torture of my hopeless admiration
+every time she spoke. And suddenly I struck my hands together in
+despair. And I exclaimed: Ah! thou marvel of a woman and a queen, I am
+conquered by thee, and I am on the very verge of falling at thy feet
+in a passion of tears, craving thy forgiveness as a criminal, so
+bewildering is the double spell of thy beauty and thy intelligence,
+and the candour of thy strange soul, which drives me mad with its
+inexplicable charm. But what does it matter to me, hate me or love me,
+if I am never to see thee any more? Aye! Narasinha may not find it in
+him to slay thee for thy wayward and beautiful independence, but then
+he can see thee every day, exactly as he chooses: whereas I, once I go
+away this night, am outcast: for well I understand that thou or he
+will see to it that I never come again. Dost thou imagine I can bear
+it? And again I struck my hands together with a cry. And I exclaimed:
+Curse on my birth, and the crimes of the births that went before it,
+that I was not born Narasinha! for he has cut me from my happiness,
+and stolen from me the very fruit of being born at all!
+
+And in my frenzy, I seized her in my arms once more, desperately
+clutching, as it were, at the bliss escaping from my reach in her form.
+And I said to her, as I held her tight: Tell me, had Narasinha never
+lived, could I have been to thee what he is now? And she extricated
+herself, very gently, from my arms, and stood back, looking at me with
+meditative eyes; and after a while, she said doubtfully, yet with a
+little smile on her lips: Perhaps. But I am not sure. Thou art a little
+over-bearing. And yet I like thee, somehow, but I love thee not at all.
+And yet again, it may be, that had I met thee sooner, I might have
+looked at thee with other eyes. And I bear thee no malice, if indeed
+thou art a criminal, for any of thy crimes, since I was their occasion.
+But what after all is the use of supposition as to what might be were
+Narasinha away, since as it is, he is here, an obstacle in the way, not
+to be surmounted by any means whatever? And so, thy case is hopeless.
+And I tried to make thee understand, in vain: since thou wilt not take
+denial or listen to any reason. And I went to such a length, out of
+kindness, as to give thee one single evening, packed as full as it could
+hold with all the sweetness I could think of, giving myself up, so to
+say, to the insatiable thirst of thy arms, and thy craving desire to be
+caressed and kissed by only me, and embodying thy dream, and turning
+myself into an instrument of that nectar of feminine intoxication for
+which thou wert ready to die, and putting myself without reserve
+absolutely at thy disposal, only to find my kindness miserably requited
+by ingratitude and undeserved reproaches, and even menaces and threats.
+And as I said, to-night, when by underhand contrivance thou didst force
+thyself upon me, I never punished thee at all, as many another queen
+might do, but took pity on thy desolation and forgave and overlooked all
+thy insolence, without being in the very least deceived by thy fustian
+beginning, which I easily discerned to be a _ruse_, to enable thee
+perhaps to steal back into my favour, all founded on a misinterpretation
+of the woman that I am. For had I really been what people say, and what,
+listening to them, thou didst imagine me, thy foolish plan might perhaps
+have been successful, but I am very different indeed. And yet, even so,
+thy part was played so poorly, that it failed almost as soon as it
+began, since it needed but a touch of my finger to make thee drop thy
+mask, and reveal thyself to be, what all the time I knew thee, a lover
+in the depths of despair. For love is very hard to hide, and thou
+couldst scarcely hope to deceive even those who are very easy to
+deceive, as I am not. And as I watched thy clumsy effort, sitting as it
+did so ill on one so simple and direct as thou art, I could not prevent
+my compassion from mixing with a very little laughter, remembering the
+ass in the Panchatantra, who clothed him in a lion's skin, forgetting
+that his ears betrayed him, to say nothing of his voice. And now for the
+second time I have given thee something that I would have refused thee
+altogether, had caresses of compassion been any argument of love. But
+understand well, that there will be no third opportunity: for this is
+thy farewell. Go as thou hast come, for I will not attempt to penetrate
+thy secret, nor have thy footsteps dogged.
+
+
+XXIX
+
+And as I listened, I knew that all was over, and that her words were
+my doom: for I understood that she was stronger far than I, and in a
+position absolutely impregnable by any efforts I might make. And I
+stood gazing at her silently with a tumult in my soul that could find
+no utterance in words. And I said at last, in a very low voice: Is thy
+decision irrevocable, and am I really never to see thee any more? And
+she said: Even this time is more than I had allowed thee, and I am
+afraid for thee. Aye! I fear that thy life is the forfeit thou wilt
+pay. Yet blame not me for anything that may occur. For Narasinha would
+have slain thee already, as he is furiously jealous of anything that
+comes near me in the form of a man, had I not myself expressly
+interfered in thy behalf, making him swear to overlook thy former
+trespass on a ground that he considers as his own. But he will not
+listen to me now. And to-morrow, as soon as he discovers what has
+taken place to-night, for I cannot hide it, he will take measures to
+prevent thy ever coming back, very likely such as thou thyself hinted
+at, of me, a little while ago. Thou art looking at me now for the
+very last time; and remember, I told thee myself, I will take no
+blame, if thy temerity turns out to have cost thee dear. Farewell, and
+if thou canst, forget me, and go away to a great distance, without the
+loss of a single moment. For in a very little while, thou mayst find,
+there will not even be the chance, and it will be too late.
+
+And instead of going, I stood, rooted to the spot like a tree, gazing
+at her thirstily, in a stupor of despair, and saying to myself: What!
+can it really be possible that I am actually looking at her now, as
+she says, for the very last time in my life, doomed to go here, or
+there, in the world, without ever seeing her again, knowing all the
+while that she is, still, somewhere to be seen, and actually being
+seen, only not by me? Out upon such horror, for it would be less, even
+if she were dead! And she, so kind, so gentle, how in the world can
+she stand there, bidding me with a wave of her hand, in that low sweet
+voice of hers, to go away to a great distance, to save my life,
+knowing well, for she is very clever, that she is taking it away, by
+banishing me for ever? And am I just to be thrown away at the bidding
+of Narasinha?
+
+And at the thought, all at once I began to laugh with sheer rage. And
+I said to myself: What! must I turn my back on heaven, and go meekly
+down to hell, at the order of Narasinha? Would she banish me at all,
+but for Narasinha? Who in the world is Narasinha? Is Narasinha my
+master? Is he even her master, for as it seems, she is rather his?
+Are these his orders, or her own? Ha! now, I wonder. What if after all
+this Narasinha were only a man of straw, doing exactly as he is told,
+and acting as her agent and her instrument, for the sake of what she
+gives him? Is it likely, after all, that he orders, and she obeys? And
+am I being fooled, and handed over by herself to banishment, or even
+death, behind the screen of Narasinha?
+
+And I looked at her as she stood, patiently waiting for me to go, with
+a soul torn to pieces by rage, and suspicion, and love-longing, and
+flat refusal to go away. And suddenly there came into my recollection
+Haridása, saying as he stood outside the door: Nectar when she turns
+towards thee: poison when she turns away. And I said to myself: So
+now, she turns away. And can she possibly not know, what becomes of
+all her lovers?
+
+And I went up to her, all at once, and took her by her two hands, and
+looked straight into her eyes. And I said: Táráwalí, thou choosest thy
+servants well. I know the use of Chaturiká. And now dimly I begin to
+see the use of Narasinha. Does he never tell thee where he throws the
+bodies of thy old lovers, when thou hast finished with their souls?
+
+And then, strange! her eyes wavered, as if unable to meet my own. And
+like a flash of lightning, I understood. And I exclaimed: Ha! have I
+found at last the question that thou canst not answer, and laid my
+finger on the flaw in thy consummate skill? So then, this was all but
+a comedy that thou wert playing, to shift the blame from thy own
+shoulders and turn me over to extinction at the hands of Narasinha?
+Ah! thou art thy own mistress, and not one to obey. But ah! thou
+lovely lady that hast no pity for thy poisoned lovers, it is not the
+lover this time that shall die. And thou shalt meet thy master for the
+first time in thy life.
+
+And I looked at her for a single instant in a frenzy of fierce hatred
+that suddenly blazed up from the ashes of my dead devotion, lying
+scorned and cheated and betrayed by the idol it adored. And I seized
+her in the grip of death, and tore from my arm the lute-string that
+was wound about my wrist. And I said: Dear, I never gave thee thy
+music-lesson: but now I will give thee a very long one on a single
+string. And in an instant, I twisted it about her neck, and drew it
+tight, holding her still as she struggled, in an ecstasy of giant
+strength. And so I stood, trembling all over, for a very long time.
+And at last, I felt that she lay in my arms like a dead weight,
+hanging as it were against her will in the terrible embrace of a lover
+that loved with hatred instead of love.
+
+And I laid her down very gently, turning carefully away, that I might
+not see her face. And I went away very quickly, and all at once, as I
+went, I fell down and began to sob, as if my heart would break. And at
+last, after a long while, I got up, and stood, thinking, and looking
+back under the trees. And I crept back on tiptoe, and looked and saw
+her at a distance, lying in the moonlight, very still, like the tomb
+of my own heart. And then I turned sharp round, and went away for
+good and all, without a soul. And I said to myself in agony: Now I
+have made the whole world empty with my own hand, and it was myself
+that I have killed, as well as her. And now I will go after her as
+soon as I possibly can. But there is one thing still to do, before I
+go, for I have to give another lesson to Narasinha. Only this time I
+will not use a lute-string, but crush out his soul with my bare hands.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ha! Narasinha, I have told thee, and thou knowest all. And now thou
+hast only to count the hours that are left to thee, for I am coming
+very soon.
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[Footnote 6: Pronounce in three syllables _Shut-roon-jye_: it means,
+_one who triumphs over his foes_. So again, in three syllables,
+_Narasing_: which means, _man-lion_, alluding to one of Wishnu's
+incarnations. (Europeans do not adequately realise that the short
+final _a_, in Sanskrit, is always mute. They pronounce e.g. _Ráma_,
+_Krishna_, as if the last letter were long. They are monosyllables.)]
+
+[Footnote 7: "The menace prevented the deed," observes Gibbon, of a
+would-be assassin of Commodus. That was also the error of the Germans,
+in 1914.]
+
+[Footnote 8: A heavenly musician.]
+
+[Footnote 9: _Dharma_ does not mean religion in our sense of the word.
+It means, for every man, that set of obligations laid on him by his
+caste or status: thus everybody's _dharma_ is different.]
+
+[Footnote 10: A crown prince. Palace intrigues were common in the old
+Hindoo courts. Each wife thought of nothing but providing the heir to
+the throne, if not by fair means, then by foul.]
+
+[Footnote 11: Krishna, the lute-player, and flute-player, _par
+excellence_. He resembles Odin in this particular.]
+
+[Footnote 12: i.e. _the city of lotuses._ The final _a_ is mute.]
+
+[Footnote 13: i.e. _a line of stars_; _a constellation_; _a star
+intensified._]
+
+[Footnote 14: That is to say, abandoned, dissolute: independence
+being, in old Hindoo ears, a synonym for every possible species of
+depravity.]
+
+[Footnote 15: There is here an untranslatable play on _mánasa_ and
+_manasi-já_ = a feminine god of love.]
+
+[Footnote 16: There is no vulgarity in this idea: it is a poetical
+degree in the scale of passion. An _abhisáriká_ is a lady so mastered
+by her love that she cannot wait for her lover, but goes to him of her
+own accord. There are all sorts of conditions laid down to regulate
+her going: she must not go in broad daylight, but in a thunderstorm,
+or dusk.]
+
+[Footnote 17: _Láwanya_ means loveliness as well as salt.]
+
+[Footnote 18: The exact equivalent, and indeed the only possible
+translation of _kupanditá._]
+
+[Footnote 19: This is due to the peculiar dress of Hindoo women, all
+in one piece, and put on so that the edge that runs around the feet
+afterwards runs up diagonally and winds around the whole figure. No
+national costume was ever better calculated to set off the sinuosities
+and soft grace of a woman's figure to advantage than the marvellous
+simplicity of the _sarí_ which is nothing more than a very long strip
+of almost anything you please.]
+
+[Footnote 20: i.e. _the clever one_: a name, like Nipuniká, employed
+in Hindoo plays to denote the qualities of a _grisette_: _Suzanne._]
+
+[Footnote 21: _Anuraktámritam bálá wiraktá wisham ewa sá._]
+
+[Footnote 22: A female door-keeper. This appears to have been
+customary in old times. Runjeet Singh had a body-guard of women,
+dressed like boys.]
+
+[Footnote 23: The roots of these great figs "grow down" (hence their
+name) from the branches, often coalescing with the trunks into the
+most extraordinary shapes: it needs no imagination to see Dryads under
+the bark: they are visible to the naked eye. The huge leaves and great
+white blossom of the _shála_ make it one of the most beautiful of
+earthly trees: as the champak is one of the most weird, like a great
+candlestick of innumerable branches whose pale flower-cups grow out of
+the end of its clumsy fingers without leaves.]
+
+[Footnote 24: Durgá, _the inaccessible one_, is one of Párwatí's
+innumerable names. It has reference to a mountain steep, with
+accessory meanings, moral and theological.]
+
+[Footnote 25: There are constant references in Hindoo poetry to
+swinging, which is a national pastime in India, with a special
+festival in its honour.]
+
+[Footnote 26: Pronounce as a trisyllable: Haridás.]
+
+[Footnote 27: The Indian women used to send little earthenware dishes,
+with a lighted wick in their oil, floating down the Ganges, to
+symbolise their children's lives. Perhaps they do it still: but all
+these beautiful old superstitious practices are dying away, in the
+light of "representative institutions." New lamps for old ones!]
+
+[Footnote 28: That is Shrí, the Hindoo Aphrodite. Only those who have
+studied Hindoo goddesses on the old temple walls, where they stand
+with everlasting marble smiles in long silent rows, buried in the
+jungles that encircle their deserted fanes, will enter into the
+atmosphere of this strange description.]
+
+[Footnote 29: _Daiwatam hi hayottamah_, says Somadewa: _a good horse
+is a divine thing._]
+
+[Footnote 30: The Hindoo Æsculapius. Ayurweda, the science of
+medicine.]
+
+[Footnote 31: A gem that attracts straws, presumably amber. It is
+always employed by Hindoo poets as an equivalent of our _magnet._]
+
+[Footnote 32: _i.e._ the mirage.]
+
+[Footnote 33: That is, as if she were a character in a play, coming at
+her cue. The phrase is common in the Hindoo plays.]
+
+[Footnote 34: This is due to the coal-black stem, which gives to a
+palm tree shorn of its head the look of a tumble-down smoke-grimed
+chimney. Unshorn, leaning to the wind, it is the most graceful thing
+in the world, especially seen against the setting sun.]
+
+[Footnote 35: The great jewel on Wishnu's breast.]
+
+[Footnote 36: Literally, with a _sáshtanganamaskara_: i.e. _with an
+obeisance made by falling prostrate with the eight corners of the
+body_, a form of profound reverence made as to a divinity.]
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+A Story without an End
+
+
+And then, Maheshwara tossed the last leaf into the air. And as it
+floated away down the stream, he said to the goddess, as she listened
+with attention: And yet he never came, as I told thee at the
+beginning. For Narasinha was beforehand with him, after all.
+
+And the Daughter of the Snow sat silent, looking away down the river
+after the floating leaf, until it was lost to sight. And then she said
+slowly: Why didst thou say in the beginning that Táráwalí was the most
+extraordinary of all women, past, present, or to come? For I was
+deceived by thy encomium, expecting a woman altogether different from
+her, who was only but a specimen of her sex.
+
+And the Moony-crested god burst into loud laughter. And he exclaimed:
+Speak low, O Snowy One: for if thy mortal sisters overheard thee
+betraying their secrets and their cause, they would be very angry, and
+perhaps begin to curse thee as a traitor, instead of offering thee
+worship, as they all do now. What! dost thou actually deem her to be
+but a type of all the rest? Surely, thou must have been asleep all the
+time that I was reading, after all: since thou hast either
+misunderstood her altogether, or it may be, wilt not do her justice,
+out of jealousy: since no woman in the three worlds can ever be
+trusted to judge another fairly, treating her always as a criminal and
+a rival, and falling on her tooth and nail, especially if, like
+Táráwalí, she sets custom at defiance, going by an independent
+standard of her own. But now, let me help thee to see how utterly
+mistaken is thy estimate of a character so rare as hardly to be
+matched in the whole of space and time for her cleverness and her
+candour and her tranquillity of soul, leaving her beauty out of the
+account, as that one element in her common to a very host of others.
+For the Creator was not such a bungler as to confine all feminine
+beauty to a single instance, but scattered it universally, since
+almost every woman in the world, no matter what her face be like,
+shares in the wonderful fascination exerted over men by the shape
+essential to her sex, which is far the most important thing of all,
+being general instead of special, as every woman seen dimly in the
+dark, or at a distance, or with her face hidden by a veil, will prove,
+being then above all most attractive when her face cannot be seen at
+all: as the story that I told thee of the ugly lady, not long ago,
+shows, if thou hast not forgotten it.[37] Whereas the thing special to
+Táráwalí was her incomparable soul, in which were mingled elements
+hardly ever to be found combined, gentleness and strength, and
+simplicity almost naive, with subtlety beyond all comparison, and
+pride that never took offence, and superlative beauty with humility,
+and submissiveness with extreme independence of spirit, and kindness
+without weakness, and feminine sweetness of disposition with the
+intellectual vigour of a man, and his courage, and his candour, all of
+which combined with her extraordinary bodily beauty to make her a
+paragon of intoxication utterly irresistible to every male[38] she
+came across, like a very Prakriti in a woman's form.
+
+And Párwatí said: How canst thou lavish such praise on a woman so
+deservedly slain by her infuriated lover, when he suddenly awoke to
+the discovery of the real nature behind the mask?
+
+And the great god laughed again, and he looked at her shrewdly and he
+said: Aha! Snowy One, said I not that thou wert asleep as I read? I
+shall have to repeat to thee the story all over again another time.
+Dost thou actually not see that all she said, from beginning to end,
+was absolutely true? For Shatrunjaya told the whole story very well,
+as he understood it; but he did not understand completely, and made a
+terrible error in the most important point of all, being led astray by
+what he had heard, and easily taken in. For blinded by his rage
+against his rival Narasinha, he came suddenly to the wrong conclusion,
+and slew her by mistake, never so much as giving her time for any
+explanation. For her eyes never wavered, as he thought, for guilt, but
+for quite another reason. And Narasinha really was, exactly as she
+said, her tyrant, nor had she anything to do with his assassination of
+her lovers, which he committed all on his own account, out of
+jealousy, paying no attention at all to her intercession. But in her
+gentleness, she shrank from the very idea of any violence, and this
+was the true cause of the wavering of her eyes, foreseeing as she did
+another attempt on Shatrunjaya, which she could not avert. And my
+heart was grieved at her death at the hands of a lover whose life she
+had saved, and would have saved again if she could. For she was worth
+far more than he.
+
+And the Daughter of the Snow said: But what was she doing with such a
+multitude of lovers at all?
+
+And Maheshwara said: Thou art like Shatrunjaya himself, biased against
+her by the insinuations of Haridása, and the discreditable behaviour
+of that little liar Chaturiká, who betrayed her as well as others, and
+by the idle talk of the people, which she rightly compared herself to
+the croaking of so many frogs. For low people always put the very
+worst interpretation upon the actions of kings, and especially of
+queens, of whom all the time they know less than nothing, exactly as
+she said. And Shatrunjaya's opinion of her wavered, in spite of all
+his worship, being coloured by the scandal that he heard, so that he
+saw her through its mist, as strangers always do. And if she had too
+many lovers, it was all the fault of the Creator, who endowed her with
+such fascination, combined with the kindness of her heart: since she
+blamed herself for their misery, and could not bear to send them away
+without making them as it were some reparation for her crime of being
+beautiful beyond all resistance. And this was her only fault.
+
+Then said the Mountain-born, with emphasis: I hate her: for a woman
+should confine herself to one.
+
+And Maheshwara said, looking at her with affection: Ah! Snowy One,
+thou art right, and thou art wrong. For not every woman is a
+counterpart of thee. And moreover, to be rigidly inaccessible[39] is
+terribly hard, when a woman is as she was, a very incarnation of
+bewildering intoxication, and kind into the bargain. For then she
+resembles a fortress, besieged night and day and mined everlastingly
+by innumerable hosts absolutely determined to get in; and sleepless
+indeed must be the garrison that guards it; and often it yields of
+sheer weariness and fatigue, unable any longer to endure the strain.
+And Táráwalí was absolutely right when she said that her lovers drove
+her, against her inclination, into the reputation of a lady of many
+lovers, since they were all so infatuated by the very sight of her
+that they never let her alone. For love that really finds its object
+will face ten thousand deaths to reach it, and is very hard to repel.
+And it laughs in utter scorn at arguments, and bribes, and barriers,
+and dangers, and refusals, bent with a burning heart upon one thing
+only, to reach its goal, dead or alive, no matter which. And when a
+woman is an incarnation of that object, she moves the whole world with
+her little finger, and is fatal, and raised into a category above all
+ordinary rules. And Táráwalí was moreover in a peculiar position, for
+her husband had thrown her away of his own accord, so that she
+actually belonged to nobody but herself, and injured herself alone, if
+she could not always help yielding when a lover pushed her terribly
+hard, by touching her heart like Shatrunjaya in the matter of his
+dream. And very few indeed are the women who would not have done the
+same, for he was a great musician, and a man among men, and very
+young. And very rare indeed is the woman who is qualified to censure
+her. For most women keep their wheel upon the track, either because
+nobody ever tries to make them leave it, or simply for fear, either of
+being punished, or of other women's tongues. And not one in a crore
+could have resisted half the pressure that Táráwalí had to bear, for
+the very greatest of a winning woman's charms is exactly the one which
+she possessed in supreme perfection, her soft and delicious
+willingness to oblige and please, and place all the sweetness of her
+personality at the absolute disposal of her lover, as Shatrunjaya
+understood at the very first sight of her: a thing so utterly
+irresistible, that when it is combined, as it was in her, with
+intelligence masculine in its quality, its owner sweeps away every
+man's reason like a chip in a flood. And there was a special reason
+for Táráwalí's intelligence.
+
+And the goddess said: What was the reason? And the Moony-crested god
+said: It was the necessary consequence of the actions of a former
+birth. For in the birth before, she was a man, doomed by _gati_[40] to
+become a woman in the next, by reason of a sin. And she said again:
+What sin? Then said Maheshwara: Ask me another time, O thou cajoler:
+for it is a long story, and now I have no more leisure: since I must
+go and bestow the favour of my presence on a ceremony performed by a
+pious devotee who has built me a new temple at Wáránasi. And canst
+thou guess who it is?
+
+And the Daughter of the Snow said: How in the world can I guess his
+name, of whom I never heard before?
+
+And the Moony-crested god said: It is not a he, but a she: being no
+other than Táráwalí herself, in yet another birth. And she is still
+only a woman, for she has not yet succeeded in raising herself by
+merit into the condition of a man. And it may be long before she
+succeeds. For it is easy to sink, but it is hard for any creature to
+rise into a status of being superior to its own, and the women who
+emerge into manhood are very rare. For the goodness that is synonymous
+with real existence[41] is only to be found in those who have behind
+them the accumulated effort and desert of ages, standing on a peak
+loftier by far than any of thy father's snowy summits, which cannot be
+attained in any single birth by no matter what exertions or
+austerities. But when once any being has attained it, emancipation
+dawns, touching it into colour more beautiful by far than any tints
+the rising sun has ever thrown on newly fallen mountain snow.
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[Footnote 37: A very beautiful story in the MS., which has not yet
+seen the light. The opinion of the deity is corroborated by that very
+clever woman, Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, who says in one of her
+letters from Constantinople that if women went without clothes, the
+face would hardly count at all. Nearly all of them would gain
+immensely by wearing a permanent veil, but the pretty ones would never
+consent to it.]
+
+[Footnote 38: Purusha is the philosophical term for the Primordial
+Male, of which Prakriti is the female antithesis. The god is combining
+Goethe and Swinburne: the "eternal feminine" and the "holy spirit of
+man."]
+
+[Footnote 39: See note _ante_, p. 47.]
+
+[Footnote 40: A very short word for a very long process, and
+untranslatable by any English equivalent. It means the whole system of
+the laws of metempsychosis, running in a long chain forward into the
+future, and back into the past.]
+
+[Footnote 41: That is, _sat_ or _sattwa_ = goodness, or true being.]
+
+
+
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Substance of a Dream , by F. W. Bain</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: The Substance of a Dream </p>
+<p>Author: F. W. Bain</p>
+<p>Release Date: March 29, 2007  [eBook #20935]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SUBSTANCE OF A DREAM ***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>E-text prepared by Thierry Alberto, Sankar Viswanathan,<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<h1>THE<br />
+
+
+SUBSTANCE OF A DREAM</h1>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3 >TRANSLATED FROM THE ORIGINAL MANUSCRIPT</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>by</h3>
+<h2>F. W. BAIN</h2>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+    <span class="i6"><i>Mix, with sunset's fleeting glow,</i></span>
+    <span class="i6"><i>Kiss of friend, and stab of foe,</i></span>
+    <span class="i6"><i>Ooze of moon, and foam of brine,</i></span>
+    <span class="i6"><i>Noose of Thug, and creeper's twine,</i></span>
+    <span class="i6"><i>Hottest flame, and coldest ash,</i></span>
+    <span class="i6"><i>Priceless gems, and poorest trash;</i></span>
+    <span class="i6"><i>Throw away the solid part,</i></span>
+    <span class="i6"><i>And behold&mdash;a woman's heart.</i></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Nidr&aacute;darpana</span></p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<h3>METHUEN &amp; CO. LTD.</h3>
+<h3 >36 ESSEX STREET W.C.</h3>
+<h3 >LONDON</h3>
+<h4 ><i>Second Edition</i></h4>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h4><i>First Published . October 16th 1919</i></h4>
+<h4><i>Second Edition ... 1919</i></h4>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3>DEDICATED</h3>
+<h4>to</h4>
+<h3>THE INEXPRESSIBLY GENTLE GENIUS</h3>
+<h4>of</h4>
+<h2>MY OWN MOTHER</h2>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_vii" id="Page_vii">[vii]</a></span></p>
+<h2>INTRODUCTION</h2>
+
+
+<p>I could almost persuade myself, that others will like this little
+fable as much as I do: so curiously simple, and yet so strangely
+profound is its delicate epitome of the old old story, the course of
+true love, which never did run smooth.</p>
+
+<p>And since so many people have asked me questions as to the origin of
+these stories, I will say a word on the point here. Where do they come
+from? I do not know. I discovered only the other day that some believe
+them to have been written by a woman. That appears to me to be
+improbable. But who writes them? I cannot tell. They come to me, one
+by one, suddenly, like a flash of lightning, all together: I see them
+in the air before me, like a little Bayeux tapestry, complete, from
+end to end, and write them down, hardly lifting the pen from the
+paper, straight off "from the MS." I never know, the day before, when
+one is coming: it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_viii" id="Page_viii">[viii]</a></span> arrives, as if shot out of a pistol. Who can tell?
+They may be all but so many reminiscences of a former birth.</p>
+
+<p>The <i>Substance of a Dream</i> is half a love-story, and half a fairy
+tale: as indeed every love-story is a fairy tale. Because, although
+that unaccountable mystery, the mutual attraction of the sexes, is the
+very essence of life, and everything else merely accidental or
+accessory, yet only too often in the jostle of the world, in the
+trough and tossing of the waves of time, the accidental smothers the
+essential, and life turns into a commonplace instead of a romance. And
+so, like every other story, this little story will perhaps be very
+differently judged, according to the reader's sex. The bearded critic
+will see it with eyes very different from those with which it may be
+viewed by the fair voter with no beard upon her chin; for women, as
+the great god says at the end, have scant mercy on their own sex, and
+the heroine of the story is a strange heroine, an enigmatical Mona
+Lisa, so to say, who will not appeal to everybody so strongly as she
+does to the Moony-crested Deity, when he sums her up at the close. I
+venture, with humility, to concur in the opinion of the Deity, for she
+holds me under the same spell as her innumerable other lovers. The
+reader, a more formidable authority even<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_ix" id="Page_ix">[ix]</a></span> than the god, must decide:
+only I must warn him that to understand, he must go to the very end.
+He will not think his time wasted, if he take half the delight in
+reading, as I did, in transcribing, the evidence in the case. Only,
+moreover, when he closes the book will he appreciate the mingled
+exactitude and beauty of its name: for no story ever had a name which
+fitted it with such curious precision as this one. For the essence of
+a dream is always that along with its weird beauty, it counters
+expectation, often in such queer, ludicrous, kaleidoscopic ways. So it
+is, here.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>Many bitter things, since the beginning, have men said of women,
+though neither so many nor so bitter, as the witty Frenchman cynically
+remarks, as the things women have said of one another. Poor Eve has
+paid very dear for that apple: the only wonder is, that she was not
+made responsible also for the Flood: but we have not got the whole of
+that story: Noah's wife may have dropped some incriminating documents
+into the water, for the Higher Criticism to unearth by and by: the
+Eternal Feminine may have had a hand in it after all, as she is
+generally to be found somewhere behind the scenes, wherever mischief
+brews for mortal man. She comes down the ages, loaded with
+accusations; and yet,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_x" id="Page_x">[x]</a></span> somehow or other, they do not seem to have done
+her much harm. And the reason is, that she possesses, in supreme
+perfection, the art of disarming her antagonist, having been very
+cunningly constructed by the Creator for that very purpose: she is
+like a cork; she will not drown, under any flood of charges: she
+floats, <i>quand m&ecirc;me</i>: (two words that she might very well take, like
+the inimitable Sarah, for her motto:) so that, be as angry as you
+please with her, you generally find yourself not only unable to
+condemn her, but even ready to beg her pardon, and rather glad, on the
+whole, to get it. It is a hopeless case. And all the more, because no
+woman ever lived, bad or good, who could be got to understand what is
+meant by "playing cricket": you cannot make her keep the rules in any
+game: she plays to win, like a German, and invariably cheats, if she
+can: international law counts, only as long as it is for and not
+against her: if you find her out, and scold her, she pouts, and will
+not play. And then, if, as is commonly the situation, you want her to
+play, very badly, what are you to do? Yes, it is a hopeless case.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>And yet, if we look into the matter with that stern impartiality which
+its public importance demands, we may perceive, that though there is,
+it must be candidly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xi" id="Page_xi">[xi]</a></span> owned, an element of truth in the charges brought
+against her, they are founded, for all that, largely on
+misunderstanding. It is man himself, her accuser, who is very nearly
+always to blame. His intelligence as compared with her own, is clumsy:
+(it is the difference between the dog and the cat:) he does not
+realise the unfathomable gulf that divides her nature from his own,
+and for lack of imaginative tact, judging her by himself, he
+enormously overestimates the part played by reason in her behaviour.
+Hence when, as she is always doing, she lets him down, he breaks out,
+(obtusely) into denunciation and reproach, taking it for granted, that
+what she did, she did, deliberately. But that is his mistake. Women
+never act by deliberation, least of all in their relations with men.
+Reason has hardly anything to do with it. A woman is a weapon,
+designed by the Creator, who generally knows what he is doing, to
+fascinate the other sex: that is her essence and her <i>raison d'&ecirc;tre</i>:
+the woman who does not do it is a failure, and she is Nature's triumph
+and entelechy, who does it best. And this every woman knows, by
+instinct, and feels, long before she knows it, almost as soon as she
+can stand upon her feet: consequently, no artificially elaborated
+compliment, no calculated flattery, ever touches her so near, as it
+does, when she perceives that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xii" id="Page_xii">[xii]</a></span> her personality <i>tells</i>, acts like a
+charm, on any given man: a point about which no woman ever blunders,
+as a man often so ridiculously does about himself: she invariably
+detects, by unerring instinct, when her arrow hits its mark. And this
+involuntary homage she finds so irresistibly delectable, going as it
+does down to the very depths of her being, and endorsing it, that she
+literally <i>cannot</i> deny herself the pleasure of basking in it, making
+hay, so to say, while her sun shines, revelling in the consciousness
+of her power all the more delicious because she knows only too well
+that she must lose it later on, as youth flies: old age, <i>i.e.</i> the
+loss of her charm, being every woman's ogre, the skeleton in her
+cupboard, which she dreads far more than death, just as the only
+disease which she shudders to face is the smallpox, for a similar
+reason. And so, when she finds her spell working, she lets herself go:
+never dreaming what interpretation her victim puts on her behaviour:
+and then, all at once, she awakes to discover with what fire she was
+ignorantly playing. And then it is, that she recoils, on the verge:
+and then it is, that thwarted in the very moment that he deemed
+triumph secured, the baffled lover falls into fury and abuse, because
+he imagines her to have been all along clearly aware of what she was
+about, which is exactly what hardly one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xiii" id="Page_xiii">[xiii]</a></span> woman in a million does. Not
+being a man, she does not understand: her end is only his beginning:
+his object is possession, still to come: hers is already gained in the
+form of the tribute to her charm: she was only playing (every woman is
+a child), he was in deadly earnest, and took her purely instinctive
+self-congratulation for a promise deliberately made. Suddenly
+illuminated, she lets him down abruptly with a bump, all the harder
+that she never meant to do it (the <i>coquette</i> does: but she is a
+horrible professional, methodising feminine instinct, for prey: a
+psychological ghoul, feeding on souls instead of bodies, and deserving
+extermination without benefit of clergy). The real crime of woman is
+not so much a crime as a defect: she is weak, as all the sages know,
+and all languages prove, though "democracy" ignores it; it is her
+strength, and half her charm, that she cannot stand alone, like a
+creeper. But that is why you cannot depend on her, good or bad.
+Irresolution is her essence: she will "determine" one way, and act in
+another, according to the pressure. Instinct, inclination or aversion,
+vanity, emotion, pity or fear, or even mere chance: these are her
+motives, the forces that move her: reason counts with her for
+absolutely nothing, a thing like arithmetic, useful, even
+indispensable, but only for adding up a grocer's bill, or catching a
+train.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xiv" id="Page_xiv">[xiv]</a></span> It has literally nothing to do with her heart. There is no
+folly like the folly of supposing that it has: yet on this folly rest
+most of the accusations against her. Reduce her to a rational being,
+and you degrade her to the level of an inferior man. But she is not
+his inferior: she is his dream, his magnet, his force, his
+inspiration, and his fate. Take her away, and you annihilate him:
+Othello's occupation's gone. Nine-tenths of the great things done in
+the world have been done for a woman. Why? Exactly because she would
+burn down a street to boil her baby's milk. No rational being would do
+that: but we all owe our lives to it.</p>
+
+<p>And hence, misogyny is only a pique. To fall foul of the sea, like
+Xerxes, when it wrecks your ambitions, is to behave as he did, like a
+spoiled child, without the child's excuse. "If you burn your fingers,
+is the flame to blame?" You should have known better. When Aristotle
+was reproved, by some early political economist, for giving alms to a
+beggar, he replied: I gave not to the man, but humanity. Admirable
+retort! which is exactly in point here. When she requited your homage
+with such encouraging smiles, it was not <i>you</i> but the man in you,
+that appealed to her. And because you are <i>a</i> man, are you necessarily
+<i>the</i> man? Not at all. And argument is mere waste of time: reason is
+not the court of appeal.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xv" id="Page_xv">[xv]</a></span> <i>If of herself she will not love, nothing
+can make her.</i> Yet why draw the poet's ungallant conclusion? Why
+should <i>the devil take her</i>? Because she was weak (were <i>you</i> not
+weak?) is she therefore to be damned beyond redemption? Because
+flattery was sweet, must she give herself away to every male animal
+that confesses the spell? Surely that is not only harsh, but
+preposterous, even outrageous. Are you sure that your merit is worthy
+of such generosity?</p>
+
+<p>And yet, here is the human catastrophe. Why did the Creator scatter
+his sexual attraction so anomalously that it is so rarely
+reciprocated, each lover pursuing so often another who flies him for a
+third, as in <i>Midsummer Night's Dream</i>, an imbroglio oddly enough
+found in a little poem identical in the Greek Moschus and the Hindoo
+Bhartrihari? Was it blunder or design? Why could he not have made
+action and reaction equal and opposite, as they are in mechanics? For
+if affection could not operate at all, unless it was mutual, there
+would be no unhappy, because ill-assorted, marriages. What a
+difference it would have made! Had mutual gravitation been the law of
+the sexes, as it is of the spheres, this Earth would never have stood
+in need of a Heaven, since it would have existed already: for the only
+earthly heaven is a happy marriage. As it is, even<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xvi" id="Page_xvi">[xvi]</a></span> when it is not a
+Hell, a marriage is only too often but an everlasting sigh.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>And not marriage only, but life. For here lies the solution of a
+mystery that has baffled the sages, who have failed to discover it
+chiefly because they have blinded themselves by their own theological
+and philosophical delusions, idealism and monotheism. Why is it, that
+gazing at Nature's inexhaustible beauty, thrown at us with such lavish
+profusion in her dawns and her sunsets, her shadows and her moods, in
+the roar of her breakers and the silence of her snows, the gloom of
+her thunder and the spirit of her hills, the blue of her distance and
+the tints of her autumns, the glory of her blossom and the dignity of
+her decay, her heights and her abysses, her fury and her peace&mdash;why is
+it, that as we gaze insatiably at these never ending miracles, we are
+haunted by so unaccountable a sadness, which is not in the things
+themselves, for Nature never mourns, but in some element that we
+ourselves import? For if the Soul be only Nature's mirror, her
+looking-glass, whence the melancholy? It is because beneath our
+surface consciousness, far away down below, in the dark organic depths
+that underlie it, we feel without clearly understanding that, as the
+Hindoos put it, we have missed the fruit of our exist<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xvii" id="Page_xvii">[xvii]</a></span>ence, owing to
+our never having found our other half. For every one of us, so far
+from being a self-sufficient whole, an independent unity, is
+incomplete, requiring for its metaphysical satisfaction, its
+complement, apart from which it never can attain that peace which
+passeth all understanding, for which it longs obscurely, and must ever
+be uneasy, till it finds it. For just as no misfortunes whatever can
+avail to mar the bliss of the man who has beside him the absolute
+sympathy of his feminine ideal, so on the other hand no worldly
+success of any kind can compensate for its absence. All particular
+causes of happiness or misery are swallowed up and sink into
+insignificance and nullity compared with this: this present, they
+disappear: this absent, each alone is sufficient to wreck the soul,
+fluttering about without rudder or ballast on the waves of the world.
+Duality is the root, out of which alone, for mortals, happiness can
+spring. And the old Hindoo mythology, which is far deeper in its
+simplicity than the later idealistic pessimism, expresses this
+beautifully by giving to every god his other half; the supreme
+instance of which dualism is the divine Pair, the Moony-crested god
+and his inseparable other half, the Daughter of the Snow: so
+organically symbolised that they coalesce indistinguishably into one:
+the <i>Arddan&aacute;r&iacute;</i>, the Being half Male half Female, He whose left half<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xviii" id="Page_xviii">[xviii]</a></span>
+is his wife. That is the true ideal: cut in two, and destroyed, by the
+dismal inhuman monotheism of later sophistical speculation.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>It was long before I understood this: the solution came to me
+suddenly, of its own accord, as all profound solutions always come,
+apparently by accident: like a "fluke" in a game of skill, where often
+unskilfulness unintentionally does something that could not be
+achieved by any degree of skill whatever, short of the divine.<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a> And
+the two things that combined to produce my spark of illumination were,
+as it so fell out, the two things that mean most to me, a sunset and a
+child. The child was looking at the sunset, and I was looking at the
+child. Some readers of these stories have been introduced to her
+before, and will be obliged to me for renewing the acquaintance, as
+they would be to the postman who brought them news of an old friend.</p>
+
+<p>The sunset was like every other sunset, the garment of a dying deity,
+and a gift of god: but it had a special peculiarity of its own, and it
+was this strange peculiarity that arrested the attention of the child.
+For children are little animals, <i>terram spectantia</i>, taking sunsets
+and <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xix" id="Page_xix">[xix]</a></span>other commonplaces such as mother, father, home, furniture and
+carpets, generally for granted, being as a rule absorbed in the great
+things of life, that is, play. This child was very diligently blowing
+bubbles, occasionally turning aside up a by-path to make a
+bubble-pudding in the soap-dish: the ruckling noise of this operation
+possessing some magical fascination for all childhood. And in the
+meanwhile, yellow dusk was gradually deepening in the quiet air.
+Presently the tired sun sank like a weight, red-hot, burning his way
+down through filmy layers of Indian ink. The day had been rainy, but
+the clouds had all dissolved imperceptibly away into a broken chain of
+veils of mist, which looked with the sun behind them like dropping
+showers of liquid gold, or copper-coloured waterfalls: while
+underneath or through them the lines of low blue hills showed now half
+obscured, now clear and sharp in outline as if cut with scissors out
+of paper and stuck upon the amber background of the sky. And then came
+the miracle. Right across the horizon, a little higher than the sun, a
+long thin bar of cloud suddenly changed colour, becoming rich dark
+purple, and all along its jagged upper edge the light shot out in one
+continuous sheet of bright glory to the zenith, while below there
+poured from the bar a long cascade, a very Niagara of golden mist and
+rain, as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xx" id="Page_xx">[xx]</a></span> if the flood-gates of some celestial dam had suddenly given
+way, and all the precious stuff were escaping in a cataract through
+the rift, in one gigantic plunge, to be lost for ever in some
+bottomless abyss.</p>
+
+<p>Suddenly, the dead silence struck me: my ear missed the "ruckle," and
+the occasional exclamations of delight. I turned abruptly, and glanced
+at the child. She was standing still as a stone, with one hand just in
+front of her holding the forgotten pipe, arrested on the way to her
+mouth, as the heavenly vision struck her: rapt, lost in her eyes,
+which were filled with wonder to the brim, open-mouthed, entranced,
+with a smile on her lips of which she was totally unconscious, faint,
+involuntary, seraphic, indescribable. The ecstasy of union had
+swallowed her: she was gone. I called her by her name: she never
+heard: her soul was away at the golden gates.</p>
+
+<p>And I said to myself, as I gazed at her with intense curiosity, mixed
+with regret that I was not Raffael, so marvellous was the picture:
+This, this is the wisdom of the sages, the secret of Plotinus and the
+Buddhists: this is Nirw&aacute;na, Moksha, Yoga, the unattainable ecstasy of
+bliss, the absolute fruition, which men call by many names: the end
+towards which the adult strives, in vain, to recover what he lost by
+ceasing to be a child: a child, which is sexless, knowing as yet
+nothing of the esoteric<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xxi" id="Page_xxi">[xxi]</a></span> dissatisfaction of the soul that wants and
+has not found. Aye! to reach the mystic union, the absolute extinction
+of the Knower in the All; to lose one's Self in Infinity, without a
+remnant of regret; to attain to the unattainable, the point of
+self-annihilation where all distinction between subject and object,
+something and nothing, disappears, it is necessary to be a child: to
+be born again. <i>Rebirth</i>! the key to the enigma of unhappiness lies
+there!</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>And after a while, as I watched her, she came back to herself. Our
+eyes met: and she looked at me long, with a far-off expression that I
+could not define. And at last, she gave a little sigh. Daddy, she
+said, why does the golden rain never fall here? Our rain is always
+only common rain.</p>
+
+<p>And I said solemnly: Little girls are the reason why. But she didn't
+understand. She looked at me reproachfully with puzzled eyes&mdash;such
+great, grey, beautiful, sea-green eyes!&mdash;and then drew a long breath.
+And she went back to her bubbles, and together we watched them go as
+they floated away into the valley, wild with excitement as to whether
+my bubble or her bubble would go farthest before it burst&mdash;till the
+Rhadamanthine summons came, and the Bubble-Blower went to bed.</p>
+
+<p class="sig"><i>Poona</i>, 1919.</p>
+
+<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> <i>O quantum est subitis casibus ingenium!</i> an exquisite
+line of Martial which ought to be posted on a board on every
+putting-green.</p></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CONTENTS" id="CONTENTS"></a>CONTENTS</h2>
+<table summary="Contents" >
+  <tr>
+    <td>&nbsp;</td>
+    <td>&nbsp;</td>
+    <td class="tocpg f1">PAGE</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocch">I.</td>
+    <td><span class="smcap"><a href="#I">On the Banks of Ganges</a></span></td>
+    <td class="tocpg"><a href="#Page_3">3</a></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocch">II.</td>
+    <td><span class="smcap"><a href="#II">The Heart of a Woman</a></span></td>
+    <td class="tocpg"><a href="#Page_13">13</a></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocch">III.</td>
+    <td><span class="smcap"><a href="#III">A Story without an End</a></span></td>
+    <td class="tocpg"><a href="#Page_143">143</a></td>
+  </tr>
+</table>
+
+
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p class="blockquot"><i>The Vignette I owe to the artistic genius of my friend, Arthur
+Hight.</i></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="I" id="I"></a>I</h2>
+
+<h2>On the Banks of Ganges</h2>
+<h3>BENEDICTION</h3>
+<p class="blockquot"><i>What! the Digit of the Moon on his brow, Gang&aacute; in his hair, and Gaur&iacute;
+on his knee, and yet proof against all Love's arrows! O wonder of
+wonders! who but the greatest of all the gods would not have melted
+long ago, like butter between three fires?</i><a name="FNanchor_2_2" id="FNanchor_2_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a></p>
+
+<p>Now, long ago, it happened, that P&aacute;rwat&iacute; was left alone on Kail&agrave;s for
+a little while, as she waited for the Lord of the Moony Tire. And
+having nothing else to do, she amused herself by building an elephant
+of snow, with large ears and a little tail, made of a yak's hair. And
+when it was finished, she was so delighted with her toy, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span>that she
+began to clap her hands: and then, not being able to endure waiting,
+she went off with impatience to fetch the Moony-crested god, to show
+him what she had done, and revel in his applause. And the moment that
+her back was turned, Nandi<a name="FNanchor_3_3" id="FNanchor_3_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_3_3" class="fnanchor">[3]</a> happened to come along: and just as he
+reached the elephant, which owing to his abstraction he never noticed,
+taking it for a mere hump, formed at random by the snowdrifts, he was
+suddenly seized with an irresistible desire to roll. And so, over he
+rolled, and went from side to side, throwing up his legs into the air.
+And as luck would have it, exactly at that very moment the Daughter of
+the Snow returned, pulling Maheshwara along eagerly by the hand. And
+she looked and saw Nandi, rolling about on the flat snow just where
+she had left her elephant, which was gone. And she uttered a loud cry,
+and stood, aghast with rage and disappointment. And she opened her
+mouth to curse the author of the mischief, and was on the very verge
+of saying: Sink into a lower birth, thou insolent destroyer! when
+Maheshwara stopped her in the very act, guessing her intention, by
+putting his hand upon her mouth.<a name="FNanchor_4_4" id="FNanchor_4_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_4_4" class="fnanchor">[4]</a> And he exclaimed: Say nothing
+rash, O angry one, for Nandi did not do it on purpose, after all. And
+a good servant does not deserve cursing, for an accidental blunder.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span></p><p>And then, P&aacute;rwat&iacute; burst into tears. And she exclaimed: Out of my
+sight, thou clumsy one! for I cannot bear to see thee. And she turned
+away, sobbing. And Maheshwara looked at her out of the corner of his
+eye, and he said to himself: Now, then, I must do something to console
+her for the elephant, and bring back her good humour. For ill humour
+in a woman spoils all. And presently he said: Come now, enough! for
+Nandi has gone off in disgrace, sufficiently punished by banishment
+for a time, and very sad to have been the unwitting cause of thy
+distress. And let us roam about awhile, in search of something new,
+that may help to obliterate recollection, and change thy gloom into a
+smile.</p>
+
+<p>And he took the goddess in his arms, and set her as she sobbed upon
+his knee, and rose from the peak of Kail&agrave;s, and shot like a falling
+star down into the plain below. And coming to Haradw&aacute;ra, where Gang&aacute;
+issues from the hills, he began to follow the holy stream down its
+course, gliding along just above it like a cloud that was unable to
+refrain from watching its own beautiful reflection in the blue mirror
+of her wave. And so they went, until at last they reached an island
+that was nothing but a sandbank in the very middle of the river,
+covered with crocodiles lying basking in the sun. And then he said:
+See! we will go down, and rest awhile among the crocodiles on this
+sand, whose banks resemble nothing so much as the outline of thy own
+graceful limbs. And Um&aacute; said tearfully: Pish! what do I care for
+crocodiles, that sit for hours never even moving, like a <i>yog&iacute;</i> in a
+trance?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Then said the cunning god: None the less, we will go down: for it may
+be that the island contains something besides its crocodiles. And as
+they settled on it, he said again: Did I not say we should find
+something? for yonder it lies, and it is a very great curiosity
+indeed. And now, canst thou tell me what it is?</p>
+
+<p>And she looked at it with scrutiny, and presently she said: I can tell
+this only, that it must have been in the water for a very long time,
+before it was washed up at last upon this bank by the river's flood:
+since it is but a shapeless lump, covered with sand and rust and dirt.
+Who but thyself could even guess what it might be? And Maheshwara
+said: It has had a very long journey, and been not only in the river,
+but in a crocodile too. For crocodiles swallow everything. And long
+ago, this was carried by a man, who was drowned in another stream by
+the upsetting of his boat, and became with all he carried the prey of
+an old crocodile, which died long ago, and rotted away, letting this
+at last escape out of its tomb, and roll along, till at last it got
+into the Ganges, and was thrown up here in the rainy season, only the
+other day. And when at last the water sank, lo! there it lay, as it
+has lain until this moment, as if expecting thy arrival, to provide
+thee with entertainment. And when all is over, thou wilt very likely
+bless Nandi, instead of cursing him; since but for his awkwardness in
+rolling on thy elephant, thou wouldst never have known anything about
+it.</p>
+
+<p>And P&aacute;rwat&iacute; said peevishly: Where is the entertain<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span>ment in this
+foolish lump of flotsam, of which thou hast related the adventures
+without ever saying what it is?</p>
+
+<p>And the Moony-crested god said: Aha! Snowy One, do not be too sure.
+For many things hold in their heart things not to be anticipated,
+judging by their outside: and this lump which thou despisest is like a
+coco-nut, whose coarse skin is full of nectar. But it has been shut so
+long, that it would not easily be opened by anyone but me.<a name="FNanchor_5_5" id="FNanchor_5_5"></a><a href="#Footnote_5_5" class="fnanchor">[5]</a> And he
+touched it with his foot, saying, Open, and it opened like a shell.
+And he said: See! it has in it a very strange kernel, preserved safe
+and sound only because all its adventures added to its case, sheath
+after sheath. And all the leaves are still there, a very little
+mouldy, and the silk that tied them, and the seal. And the goddess
+said: But what is it after all? And Maheshwara said: It is a case of
+urgency, that all came to nothing in the end, being a letter that
+never even reached its destination, because the sender was in so great
+a hurry that he defeated his own object, bidding his messenger go so
+fast that in his haste his boat turned over, and he and his message
+were eaten on their way by a river beast. For those who go too fast
+often go so slow as never to arrive at all, as was the case here. Then
+said Um&aacute;: He that sent it must have been a fool. And Maheshwara said!
+Nay, O Snowy One, not at all: far from it: and yet he became, as many
+do, a fool for the occasion, under the influence of passion, which
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span>blinds the eyes, and shuts up the ears, and twists the whole
+character awry, so that it acts in a manner contrary to itself, as if
+the man had been suddenly changed into another, or his body entered by
+a Wet&aacute;la, in the temporary absence of his soul.</p>
+
+<p>And P&aacute;rwat&iacute; said: What was the passion here? And the Moony-crested god
+said slowly: It was a threefold cord, and very strong: love, and love
+turned by intense disappointment into hatred, and rage against a
+rival: each by itself alone enough to turn reason into madness. But
+the whole story is told, by its hero himself, in the very letter: and
+if thou wilt, I will read it aloud to thee, exactly as he wrote it,
+word for word. And the goddess said: Thou knowest all: why not tell it
+in thy own way, without the trouble of reading? And Maheshwara said:
+Nay, on the contrary, it is far better to let him tell it for himself:
+for who knew everything better than he did? And moreover, every story
+told by a stranger is imperfect, since he is obliged to fill up the
+gaps in his knowledge by imagination or conjecture: whereas, when the
+actor in it all is himself the narrator, it is the very truth itself,
+unless he expressly desires to conceal it, which is not the case here.
+For he was very anxious indeed to tell his enemy everything, on
+purpose to offend him: and he only made one mistake, which I will show
+thee in due time. So I will read it exactly as it stands, omitting
+absolutely nothing. And the Daughter of the Snow said: Read. But she
+thought: If it is not worth hearing, I will simply go to sleep as he
+reads. And Maheshwara said: Nay, O<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span> Snowy One, I will guarantee that
+thou dost not go to sleep.</p>
+
+<p>And then, the goddess suddenly threw her arms about his neck, and hid
+her face on his breast. And she said: What is the use of trying to
+hide anything at all from thee? Read. But for all that, I will go to
+sleep, if I choose. And the Moony-crested god said with a smile: Aye!
+but thou wilt not choose.</p>
+
+<p>And then he began to read, throwing away the leaves as they ended, one
+by one into the stream, which carried them away. And the crocodiles
+all lay round him in a circle, worshipping their Lord, as he read.</p>
+
+<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_2_2" id="Footnote_2_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2_2"><span class="label">[2]</span></a> Maheshwara is the ascetic <i>par excellence</i>, who punished
+Love for trying to tempt him by burning him up like a moth with a
+fiery glance from his third eye. And yet for all that, the Master Yogi
+was not always proof against feminine fascination: he might be chaste
+as ice, yet he has not escaped scandal.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_3_3" id="Footnote_3_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_3_3"><span class="label">[3]</span></a> Nandi is the divine Bull, on which, or whom, the Great
+God rides.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_4_4" id="Footnote_4_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_4_4"><span class="label">[4]</span></a> Had the awful words passed her lips, Nandi was a doomed
+bull, as a curse once uttered is irrevocable.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_5_5" id="Footnote_5_5"></a><a href="#FNanchor_5_5"><span class="label">[5]</span></a> Because he is the Lord of Creatures animate or inanimate,
+which all obey him.</p></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="II" id="II"></a>II</h2>
+
+<h2>The heart of a Woman</h2>
+<h3>I</h3>
+<p>As the black cobra sits up, and puffs his hood, and hisses, giving
+warning to his prey, ere he strikes: so I, Shatrunjaya<a name="FNanchor_6_6" id="FNanchor_6_6"></a><a href="#Footnote_6_6" class="fnanchor">[6]</a> the
+lute-player, son of a king, do send this my menace to thee, Narasinha,
+the lover of a queen too good for so vile a thing as thou art: that
+none hereafter may be able to say, I struck thee unwarned, or took
+thee unawares. Know, that night doth not more surely or more swiftly
+follow day, than I and my vengeance will follow on the messenger who
+carries this threat: whom I have bidden to reach thee with his utmost
+speed, so as to allay my thirst for thy life; since every day that I
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span>wait seems to me longer than a <i>yuga</i>. And I will slay thee with no
+other weapon than my two bare hands&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>And suddenly, the great god stopped, and he laughed aloud. And he
+exclaimed: See now, how this poor lute-player deceived himself! For
+his message not only never reached his enemy at all, but almost as
+soon as it had left him, he was himself slain by the emissaries of the
+very man he meant to kill, who never sent him any warning at all, but
+took him unawares, and slew him, escaping by anticipation the fate
+that was in store for himself, without even knowing anything of all
+that this letter would have taught him, and so far from dying, living
+to a very great age. And this instance shows, that the most dangerous
+of enemies is the one that never threatens till he actually strikes,
+resembling not the cobra, but the adder, as Shatrunjaya discovered to
+his cost, too late.<a name="FNanchor_7_7" id="FNanchor_7_7"></a><a href="#Footnote_7_7" class="fnanchor">[7]</a></p>
+
+<p>And the Daughter of the Snow exclaimed, in wrath: Why hast thou
+stopped, to tell me the end of the story, before even reaching the
+beginning?</p>
+
+<p>And Maheshwara said: Aha! Snowy One, thou art not yet, as it seems,
+asleep. Many are the beginnings that never reach an end: but it will
+do this story no harm at all, to begin with the end, since all the
+essence of it lies in the middle, and as thou wilt find, it ends in
+the middle, and yet never ends, even when it is done.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What I have told thee does not matter in the least; what matters is
+the Queen, for she was the most extraordinary of all women, past,
+present, or to come.</p>
+
+<p>And P&aacute;rwat&iacute; said: Let the letter speak for itself: and if thou hast
+anything to say, keep it for the end. For nothing is more unendurable
+than a commentary upon a text which is unknown.</p>
+
+
+<h3>II</h3>
+<p>And Maheshwara said: Thus the letter continues:&mdash;for there is not room
+in one world for us both. And well thou knowest the reason why. For
+the Queen told me, the very last time that I saw her, that it would be
+the very last time, as indeed it was. And when I asked why she would
+see me no more, she said, that thine was the order, to send me away.
+Dog! was she thine to command, or was I? And yet, I knew very well, it
+was all thy doing, before ever she told me. For never would she have
+behaved as she did, had she not been pushed from behind: and the very
+first time that we met, when she told me of thee, I understood, and
+foresaw, and expected, the very thing that has happened, looking to
+find thee hiding behind her, to rid thee of a rival whom thou hadst
+not the courage openly to face. And dost thou dare to condemn me for
+doing the very same thing thou wast doing thyself? Was not my claim to
+love her as good as thy own? Or what, O cowardly dastard, does that
+man deserve, who screens himself behind the clothes of a woman to
+strike at a foe? I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span> will answer the question, and show thee, by ocular
+proof, very soon. But now in the meantime, I will open thy eyes, and
+tell thee, from the very beginning, all that took place. And thou
+shalt learn how I stole her away from thee, in spite of thee, as
+presently I will come to rob thee also of thy life. And I will
+embitter thy life, and poison it, first: and then I will take it away.</p>
+
+
+<h3>III</h3>
+<p>And yet, strange indeed was the way that I met her. I cannot tell,
+whether it was a reward or a punishment for the deeds of a previous
+birth. For the joy of it would have been cheap, bought at the price of
+a hundred lives: and yet the sorrow is greater than the joy. And it
+happened thus. I was roaming through the world, with my lute for my
+only companion. For all men know, as thou must also, that I turned my
+back upon my hereditary kingdom, and quarrelled with all my relations,
+and left them, all for the sake of my lute. For ever since I was a
+child, I have cared for absolutely nothing but my lute, and as I
+think, I must have been a Gandharwa<a name="FNanchor_8_8" id="FNanchor_8_8"></a><a href="#Footnote_8_8" class="fnanchor">[8]</a> in the birth before, since the
+sound of the tones of its strings, touched by the hand of a master
+musician, leads me like an ox that is pulled by a cord, the very
+moment I hear it, and I stand still, like one that listens with tears
+in his eyes to the memory of the voice of a friend that is dead. Ha!
+very wonderful are <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span>the influences of a forgotten birth! For I was an
+anomaly, behaving not according to my caste, which was that of a
+Rajpoot; and not music, but fighting, was my proper work, and my
+religion.<a name="FNanchor_9_9" id="FNanchor_9_9"></a><a href="#Footnote_9_9" class="fnanchor">[9]</a> And it was as if my mother had been caught sleeping in
+the moonlight on the terrace of the palace in the hot season by some
+king of the Widy&aacute;dharas passing by, and looking down from the air. For
+heavenly beings often fall into such temptations, and even an ascetic
+would have found it hard to laugh at the arrows of Manobhawa, coming
+in the form of such a feminine fascination as hers, lying still in the
+lunar ooze at midnight, with her head pillowed on her arm. And yet,
+for all my music, I was the tallest and strongest of all my clan, and
+a hunter, when I chose, that could bear fatigue even better than a
+Bh&iacute;l.</p>
+
+<p>And then at last there came a day when the King my father sent for me.
+And when I came, he looked at me with approval, and he said: Thou art
+a man at last. And yet they tell me, thou dost nothing all day long
+but sit playing thy lute. Canst thou really be my son, or art thou
+some musician's brat, foisted into my son's place by some dark
+underhand intrigue, when I was looking the other way? For who ever
+heard of a Yuwar&aacute;j&aacute;,<a name="FNanchor_10_10" id="FNanchor_10_10"></a><a href="#Footnote_10_10" class="fnanchor">[10]</a> <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span>destined to sit upon the throne when I have
+entered the fire, neglecting all his duties for the sake of a lute's
+strings? Come now, throw thy lute away, and leave music to the
+professionals who have nothing else to do, and apply thyself to
+policy, and the things of a king's trade. And I said: What do I care
+for a kingdom in comparison with my lute? I will not throw it away,
+no, not for a hundred kingdoms. I am a devotee of R&aacute;dh&aacute;'s lover,<a name="FNanchor_11_11" id="FNanchor_11_11"></a><a href="#Footnote_11_11" class="fnanchor">[11]</a>
+and I care nothing for any r&aacute;j. Then my father flew into a rage. And
+he said: Thou shalt do, not as thou wilt, but as I will. Choose,
+between thy wretched lute, and the r&aacute;j: and if thou dost not obey, I
+will turn thee off, and put thy younger brother in thy place. And I
+said: There are kings in abundance everywhere, but those who can
+really play on a lute are very few indeed. And I am one. Let who will
+be a Yuwar&aacute;j&aacute;: I will choose the lute. And he said, in wrath: Be off!
+and play dirges to the memory of thy dead succession, for thou art no
+longer heir. And I laughed in his face, and went away, and got on my
+horse, and turned my back upon it all, and rode off laughing with my
+lute hanging round my neck, counting the kingdom as a straw. And
+thereafter, I wandered up and down, from place to place, living as I
+pleased, and utterly disregarding the messages that reached me nearly
+every day from my mother, who sent me bags of money and entreaties to
+return, all in vain. And my story, like my playing, went from mouth
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span>to mouth, and everywhere I went, the people said: Ha! there goes
+Shatrunjaya, the mad musician, who cares more for a discord than the
+loss of his hereditary r&aacute;j! Ha! and if his policy were only equal to
+his playing, what a king he would have made! And what a fool he must
+be, to care for nothing in the three worlds but a lute's strings!</p>
+
+
+<h3>IV</h3>
+<p>And yet they were all wrong. For there was another thing that nobody
+knew anything about, that I cared for even more than for my lute. And
+all the while I wandered, I was looking for a thing that flew before
+me the more I kept pursuing it, like the setting of the sun. And yet
+it hung, so to say, always just before my eyes, like a picture on the
+wall, so that often I used to talk to it, as if it were alive, as I
+sat. And yet it never answered, looking back at me in silence with
+strange kind eyes, and seeming to listen to me gazing at it wistfully,
+and playing on my lute. And this was a woman, that had come to me in a
+dream. For but a little while before I quarrelled with my father, I
+was lying, on a day, at noon, when I had been following a quarry in
+the jungle till I ached with fatigue, resting on a river bank: and so
+as I lay, unawares I fell asleep. And I thought that I wandered
+through a palace that I had never seen before, till suddenly I came
+upon a terrace that stood on the very margin of a lake, that was
+filled with myriads of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span> lotuses, all turned red by the rays of the
+setting sun, which stood never moving on the top of a low hill, as if
+it were watching me to see what I should do, before it went away. And
+there was such a strange silence that I began to be afraid, as if of
+something that was just about to happen, without knowing what. And so
+as we all stood waiting in the dusk, I and the lotuses and the sun,
+all at once I heard behind me a voice like a <i>kokila</i>, saying quietly:
+I have kept thee a long while waiting: wilt thou forgive?</p>
+
+<p>And I turned round, and looked, and lo! there was a lady, looking at
+me with a smile. And she was standing so absolutely still, that she
+resembled an image made of copper, for exactly like the lotuses, she
+was all red in the rays of the sun, and her dark clothing shone like
+the leaf of a palm seen at midnight in the glow of a fire. And her
+hair was massed like that of an ascetic high over her brow, and on its
+dull black cloud there shone a gem that resembled a star, shooting and
+flickering and changing colour like a diamond mixed with an opal:
+while underneath, her eyes, that resembled pools filled with dusk
+instead of water, were fixed on me as if in meditation, as if half in
+doubt as to whether I was I. And yet her lips were smiling, not as if
+they meant to smile, but just because they could not help it, driven
+by the sweetness of the soul that lay behind them to betray its secret
+unawares. And the perfect oval of the outline of her face was lifted,
+so to say, into the superlative degree of soft fascination by a faint
+suggestion of the round ripe<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span>ness of a fruit in its bloom, as if the
+Creator, by some magical extra touch of his chisel, had wished to
+exclaim: See how the full loveliness of a woman surpasses the delicate
+promise of a girl! And she was rather tall, and she stood up very
+straight indeed, so straight, that my heart laughed within me as I
+looked at her, for sheer delight, so admirably upright was the poise
+of her figure, and yet so round and delicious was the curve of her
+arms and her slender waist, that rose as if with exultation into the
+glorious magnificence of her splendid breast, on which her left hand
+rested, just touching it very lightly with the tips of her fingers,
+like a wind-blown leaf lying for a moment exactly at the point of
+junction of two mounds of snow, as if to chide it very gently for
+challenging the admiration of the three worlds. And she stood with her
+weight thrown on her left foot, so that her right hip, on which her
+right hand rested, swelled out in a huge curve that ran down to her
+knee, which was bent in, and then turned outwards, ending in a little
+foot that was standing very nearly on the tip of its toe.</p>
+
+<p>And so as we stood, gazing at one another in dead silence, all at once
+she smiled outright, holding out both her hands. And at that very
+moment, the sun sank. And as I strove in vain to move, rooted to the
+spot like a tree, she faded away, very slowly, back again into the
+dark, growing little by little paler, till she vanished into the
+night, leaving nothing but her star, that seemed to glimmer at me from
+a great distance, low down on the very edge of a deep-red sky. And I
+strove and struggled<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span> in desperation to break the spell that held me
+chained, and suddenly I woke with a loud cry, and saw before me only
+the river, on whose bank I was lying alone.</p>
+
+
+<h3>V</h3>
+<p>Aye! then for the first time in my life, I knew what it meant, to be
+alone, which had been to me but a mere word, without any meaning at
+all. For as I sat by the river, I knew I had left my soul behind in
+the dream that had disappeared. And my heart was burning with such a
+pain that I could only breathe with great difficulty, and tears rose
+into my eyes, as it were of their own accord. And I said sadly to
+myself: Now, beyond all doubt, I have seen some feminine incarnation
+of a fallen star, and unless I can find it somewhere on earth, I shall
+lose the fruit of being born at all. So one thing only remains to do,
+and that is to look for her, and keep on looking until I find her. For
+if only I was sure, that she was absolutely beyond finding, I would
+not consent to remain in this miserable body without her, even for a
+single moment. But she must be alive somewhere, and able to be found:
+for how could such a thing as she was exist only in a dream? For
+nobody could possibly have invented her, no, not even in a dream: and
+it must be that my soul went roaming about as I slept, and actually
+caught sight of her. And if the soul could find her, then, she is
+somewhere to be found, even by the body; but alas! the body cannot
+travel so easily as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span> the soul: since, in his haste, the Creator has
+forgotten to give wings to anything but birds. And yet, the only thing
+to do is to hunt for her incessantly, and go from place to place
+without stopping for a moment: since very certainly she will never be
+discovered if I remain here as motionless as a hill. So I must escape
+at once, on some pretence, without letting anybody know why.</p>
+
+<p>And as I said, I did: and this was the very reason why I broke with my
+relations, and became a vagrant instead of a king's heir. And every
+night I went to sleep yearning to dream the dream again, and yet it
+never came, though even in my sleep I seemed in every dream to be
+roaming everlastingly in jungles, and along roads that never ended,
+always on the very point of finding something that I never found. And
+strange! instead of driving me to despair, this constant failure
+actually gave me courage, for I said: If the dream had really been
+only a dream and nothing more, it would surely have returned, beyond a
+doubt: since, as a rule, dreams are only pictures in the night of what
+men think of in the day. And yet she never comes again, although I
+think of nothing else, all day long, and she was very certainly no
+picture of anything that I ever saw before. And clearly, it must be
+that my soul did actually find her, though now it has lost its way,
+and does not know how to return.</p>
+
+<p>And in the meanwhile, as time went on, the less I found her, the more
+I fell back upon my lute, which became the only confidante of my
+secret, and my sole<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span> refuge in my desolation. And I used to sit
+playing, thinking all the while of nothing but herself, so that she
+gradually became as it were the theme and the undertone of every air.
+And the listeners would say: Ha! now beyond a doubt this player on the
+lute must be some incarnation of a Kinnara, for the sound of his music
+resembles that of the wind singing in the hollows of the bamboos that
+wave over waterfalls on the sides of the snowy mountain: and his lute
+seems to sob, in the vain endeavour to express some melancholy secret
+that for want of words it cannot articulately tell, wringing as it
+were its hands of strings, for very grief: And I became a byword, and
+the fame of my music was carried into the quarters of the world, like
+the scent of the sandal that the breeze blows from the Malaya hill in
+the region of the South.</p>
+
+<p>And then at last I came, on a day, tired out with travel, to
+Kamalapura.<a name="FNanchor_12_12" id="FNanchor_12_12"></a><a href="#Footnote_12_12" class="fnanchor">[12]</a> And delighted with its trees and its river and its
+lotuses, I found a little house, and lodged in it, to rest for a
+while. And one morning, there came to me a musician of the city, who
+loved me for my playing, and he said: How comes it, O Shatrunjaya,
+that thou hast not been to play to T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;?<a name="FNanchor_13_13" id="FNanchor_13_13"></a><a href="#Footnote_13_13" class="fnanchor">[13]</a> And I said: Who is
+T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, that I should go to play to her, who never go to anyone at
+all? And he laughed, and exclaimed: Who is T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;? What! dost thou
+actually say that thou hast never even heard of her, the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span>Queen of
+this city? And I said: I did not know that thy T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; was the same
+as the Queen, of whom indeed I have heard, very often, as everybody
+must who comes to this city: for as it seems, the citizens never talk
+of anything or anybody else, never saying anything about her that
+recommends her to me; since, as I understand, she is an
+independent<a name="FNanchor_14_14" id="FNanchor_14_14"></a><a href="#Footnote_14_14" class="fnanchor">[14]</a> woman, who goes her own way, like the wind, caring
+absolutely nothing where it takes her, or what anybody says. And he
+said: Let them say what they will, at least she is a connoisseur in
+music, and plays the lute herself, though not so well as thou. And
+they tell me, she is very curious to see thee, and to hear thee, of
+whom she has heard so much. And I said carelessly: The curiosity is
+not reciprocal, since on my side there is absolutely none. And
+moreover, independent women are not to my taste, even when they happen
+to be queens. So it will be better for us both, to leave her curiosity
+unsatisfied. And he said: Well have they named thee, the mad musician:
+for thou art utterly unlike all other men. Thou hast thrown away thy
+kingdom for a lute: and now thou sittest like a stone, unmoved, to
+hear that even T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; is curious on thy account: a thing that would
+set any other man dancing for delight, like a peacock at the sight of
+a cloud. Art thou indeed a stone, or is it sheer ignorance of what
+T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; is like? And I said: And what then is she like? And he said:
+She is like absolutely nothing in the world but herself, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span>and cannot
+therefore be described at all, but only seen. So the only way to get
+thy question answered is to go, and see her for thyself. And I said:
+Then it never will be answered, for I will not go and see. I am no
+tame animal, to go where I am called: I am wild. And he said: Aye! but
+the wild swans go to the M&aacute;nasa lake of their own accord. Thou art
+like a young wild swan, refusing, for sheer obstinacy, to visit the
+very place, that, had it only seen it, it would never be induced to
+desert again. For T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; is exactly a M&aacute;nasa<a name="FNanchor_15_15" id="FNanchor_15_15"></a><a href="#Footnote_15_15" class="fnanchor">[15]</a> for such a swan as
+thee. And for all answer, I took my lute, and began to pluck at the
+strings.</p>
+
+<p>And he stood for a while, drumming on the sill of the window as he
+looked out: and then he turned and said: If thou hast no curiosity,
+thou hast at least the manners of a king's son. Wouldst thou be so
+uncivil as to say no to her invitation, if she sent to thee, to come?
+And I said: Why suppose what never can occur? Surely this independent
+queen does not go to such a length as to act like an <i>abhis&aacute;rik&aacute;</i>,<a name="FNanchor_16_16" id="FNanchor_16_16"></a><a href="#Footnote_16_16" class="fnanchor">[16]</a>
+and throw herself of her own accord at the head of every stranger that
+may wander through her city? And he laughed, and said: Wouldst <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span>thou
+actually shut thy door in her face, even so, if she were an
+incomparable beauty? Even an <i>abhis&aacute;rik&aacute;</i> might be welcome, to anybody
+but thyself, who art said to be a hater of all women whatsoever. And I
+said: Why should I hate all women, who never think of them at all?</p>
+
+<p>And he looked at me for a long while; and then he said: Who knows?
+Thou art so singular in everything that it is just barely possible
+that thou art telling me the truth, though it is very hard to believe
+it, in the mouth of a youth like thee. And yet, if as thou sayest, thy
+heart be really empty, T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; could fill it for thee, easily enough.
+Aye! even if it were a desert equal to Marusthal&iacute; in dryness and
+extent, a single glance at her would turn it into an ocean, tossing
+with agitation, and running over with excess of salt.<a name="FNanchor_17_17" id="FNanchor_17_17"></a><a href="#Footnote_17_17" class="fnanchor">[17]</a></p>
+
+<p>And then he went away. And instantly I forgot all about her, absorbed
+in my lute and the recollection of my dream.</p>
+
+
+<h3>VI</h3>
+<p>But next morning, when I awoke, his words all came back to me, and
+filled me with dismay. And I sat long musing over them, and saying to
+myself: Now after all, it is just possible not only that his words had
+a meaning, but even that he was acting as an agent of the Queen, who
+may take measures to make me go and see her, whether I will or no:
+since she is, as it seems, a <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span>musical blue-stocking,<a name="FNanchor_18_18" id="FNanchor_18_18"></a><a href="#Footnote_18_18" class="fnanchor">[18]</a> ready to
+force herself on anybody just to gratify her vanity by claiming
+admiration for her musical proficiency, which nobody would acknowledge
+unless she were a queen. Out on these queens, that dabble in matters
+that they do not understand, and meddle in other people's business!
+But now I will steal a march on her by making my escape betimes, and I
+will go this very moment and order my horse to be got ready, to give
+her the slip, in case she may be meditating anything very
+disagreeable. For if she finds the bird flown, she will give it up,
+once for all.</p>
+
+<p>And I went to the door and opened it, and lo! there in the street
+before me stood a woman, who was in the very act of knocking at the
+door, to get in, so that as I pulled it open, she very nearly fell
+into my arms. And as she drew back laughing, I looked at her in blank
+amazement. For she resembled a feminine incarnation of the dawn, being
+a very Apsaras for beauty, and very young, and very small, and dressed
+in a garment of red muslin, whose edge of gold ran all about her like
+a snake.<a name="FNanchor_19_19" id="FNanchor_19_19"></a><a href="#Footnote_19_19" class="fnanchor">[19]</a> And she had gold bangles, and gold anklets, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span>and gold
+chains about her neck, and she held the end of her garment drawn over
+her head with one hand, whose arm resembled a creeper spray, so that I
+could only just see her long eyes peeping at me through the opening.
+And I stood awhile, holding the door, and looking at her with dismay,
+that was very nearly terror, saying to myself: Now, after all, I am
+caught, for here she is in person, running to me of her own accord.
+And at last I said with hesitation: Art thou T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;?</p>
+
+<p>And instantly, that strange damsel broke into a peal of laughter. And
+she exclaimed: I, T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;? Art thou stark mad? Or dost thou imagine
+T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; would come to people's doors? Ha! then, but as it seems, thy
+thoughts are already running on T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;. But let me come inside, for
+why should the whole street listen to our conversation? And she came
+in quickly and stood just inside the door, holding it by the handle,
+as if she wanted to make sure of her escape. And she said: Art thou
+Shatrunjaya, the lute-player? And I said: Yes. Then she said: Thou
+deservest almost to be slain, for such an extraordinary blunder as to
+confound such a thing as I am with the Queen. And yet, after all, thy
+chance arrow is somewhere near the mark: for if I am not T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, at
+least I am her shadow, and never very far from her, being her
+confidential maid. And I have come to thee now with a message from
+herself: and it is this: T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; the pupil stands in sore need of
+Shatrunjaya the master, to help her in disentangling the
+quarter-tones<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span> of a theme: and she will await him in her garden, as
+the sun goes down.</p>
+
+<p>And I said: What, O thou red beauty, is thy name? And she said:
+Chaturik&aacute;<a name="FNanchor_20_20" id="FNanchor_20_20"></a><a href="#Footnote_20_20" class="fnanchor">[20]</a> Then I said: Go back, O Chaturik&aacute;, and tell the Queen
+that I was not to be found. I will not come. And here is gold for
+thee.</p>
+
+<p>And Chaturik&aacute; brushed away my bribe with a wave of her pretty arm. And
+she leaned back against the door, holding the handle behind her, and
+looking up at me from under her long lashes, with sweet crafty eyes,
+and eyebrows lifted high into a double arch. And she put her head a
+little on one side, and said, with a smile: Think twice, O
+Shatrunjaya. Art thou a musician, and hast thou never heard the song:
+Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she turns away?<a name="FNanchor_21_21" id="FNanchor_21_21"></a><a href="#Footnote_21_21" class="fnanchor">[21]</a> Or
+hast thou never tasted nectar, even in a dream? Remember, sunset! And
+she shook at me her forefinger, and suddenly she opened the door, and
+slipped out, and shut it, and was gone; leaving me staring at it in
+stupefaction, and almost believing I was dreaming, so abruptly had she
+come and gone. And I said to myself in wonder: Beyond a doubt, she
+spoke at random, knowing nothing of my dream; and yet she made me
+jump, for her arrow hit the mark exactly in the centre. But if the
+maid is like the mistress, of whom she said herself, she was the
+shadow, then very sure I am, it is not either maid or <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span>mistress, or
+anybody the least like them, that could realise my dream. But all the
+same, I am caught, for the moment, in their noose: and what is to be
+done now? For she will go straight back and tell it all, to this
+over-bearing busybody of a queen, and if now I do not go, it will seem
+an incivility almost equal to an insult. For queens do not like to be
+refused, and even their request is a kind of order, very difficult to
+disobey. Out, out, upon this red intrusive jade, and her mistress, and
+above all on myself, for my delay! For had I only gone away last
+night, I should have got clean off.</p>
+
+<p>And long I sat debating, balanced in the swing of indecision, as to
+whether I should go, or not. And at last I exclaimed: I will give her
+just a chance. And I drew my <i>katt&aacute;ri</i> from its sheath, and I said:
+Now I will throw it into the air. And if it falls back upon its point,
+I will go and see her: but if not, not. And I threw it up, like a
+juggler, so that it spun very quickly like a wheel: and lo! it fell
+back, and stuck exactly on its point, standing straight up, as if on
+purpose to imitate Chaturik&aacute;'s forefinger, and saying as it were: See!
+thou shalt go, willy nilly, at sunset to the Queen.</p>
+
+<p>And so, seeing that I must absolutely go, I dismissed it, as a thing
+determined, from my mind. And a little before sunset, I went out, and
+moved slowly through the streets, making for the palace with unwilling
+feet. And when I reached it, I stood still, opposite the palace gates,
+saying to myself: There is still just time to turn back and go away.
+For my reluctance grew upon me as I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span> went, with every step, as if some
+presentiment that I could not understand was warning me beforehand of
+all that would come about. And I said: Now then, I will give myself
+one last chance. I will stand here still, and count a hundred. And if
+in the time, I do not see an elephant go by, I will go away, bidding
+good-bye for ever to the Queen. And then I began to count. And
+strange! at that very moment, I looked, and saw the <i>ankusha</i> of a
+<i>mah&aacute;wat</i>, high up above the crowd, coming round the corner. And the
+elephant on which he sat passed by the palace gates, looking at me as
+it were with laughter in its little eye, and saying: I am just in
+time: while yet I had fifty still to count.</p>
+
+<p>So near I came, to never seeing T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; at all!</p>
+
+
+<h3>VII</h3>
+<p>So then at last, seeing that fate was against me, and that there was
+absolutely no help for it, I gave up the struggle, and went up to the
+gate. And learning who I was, the <i>pratih&aacute;r&iacute;</i><a name="FNanchor_22_22" id="FNanchor_22_22"></a><a href="#Footnote_22_22" class="fnanchor">[22]</a> led me away into the
+palace, and I followed her through innumerable corridors and halls,
+until at last we came to a high wall, in which there was a door,
+screened by a curtain. And she drew aside the curtain, and opened the
+door with a key. And she said: The Queen is within: knock at the door
+on thy <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span>return. And I went in, and she shut the door behind me,
+leaving me alone.</p>
+
+<p>And I found myself in a garden, of which I could not see the end, for
+it rather resembled a forest for its multitude of trees. And after a
+while, I went on slowly without any guide, going wherever my steps led
+me, and saying to myself as I went along: Now I wonder where the Queen
+is; for as it seems, I am far more likely to lose myself than find
+anything, in such a maze as this. And then, little by little, I
+utterly forgot all about her, lost in my admiration of the place that
+I was in, and saying to myself in wonder: After all, I did well to
+come, and it was well worth while, if only for the sake of this
+extraordinary wood, which cannot properly be called a garden, since it
+is like absolutely nothing else in the world. For there were no
+flowers to be seen at all, but only trees. And even of trees, there
+were only four kinds, champak, and <i>sh&aacute;la</i>, and <i>nyagrodha</i>, and
+bamboo. But every kind of tree was multiplied many times, and each was
+a very giant, and a marvel of its kind. And the champaks and the
+<i>sh&aacute;las</i> were loaded with their blossoms that filled the air with
+heavy fragrance, and glimmered in the dusk: and the bamboos stood in
+clumps, like pillars, each as thick as my own body, with their tall
+plumes waving very gently to and fro like <i>chowris</i> over my head; and
+the trunks and the roots of the <i>nyagrodhas</i><a name="FNanchor_23_23" id="FNanchor_23_23"></a><a href="#Footnote_23_23" class="fnanchor">[23]</a> writhed and twisted
+round me like <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span>serpents' coils and women's limbs, pointing at me as it
+were with weird wooden arms, till I felt as if I were walking in some
+strange dream forest whose Yakshas and Yakshin&iacute;s were watching me and
+mocking me as I went along. And suddenly, I looked, and far away
+through the trees I saw the moon nearly full rising slowly like a
+great red nocturnal sun, on the edge of the pallid eastern sky, as if
+it had come to watch me too, before the sun was down. And a feeling
+that was almost fear began to creep into my soul, as I moved on
+slowly, not knowing where I was. And all at once, I came out suddenly
+upon a terrace and stood still. For just below me was a lake, whose
+water was black, and absolutely still, and it was filled with
+innumerable lotuses, that stood straight up out of the mirror that
+they floated in, all turned red by the rays of the setting sun, which
+was just about to disappear, taking as it were a last fond look at
+them, as it stood, blood-red, on the rim of the world.</p>
+
+<p>And then, like a flash of lightning, recollection rushed into my soul.
+And my heart gave a bound, as if it wanted to leap from my body. And I
+exclaimed, with agitation: Ha! Why, it is the very lake, and these are
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span>the very lotuses, and the very sun that I saw in my dream! And even
+as I spoke, I heard behind me the low sweet voice of a woman, saying
+slowly: I fear that I have kept thee waiting for a long time: and
+canst thou forgive me?</p>
+
+<p>And instantly I cried out: The words! the words! And I turned sharp
+round, shaking like a leaf, with a heart that beat in my body like a
+drum. Lo! there, just before me, stood the lady of my dream. And
+exactly as before, her dark blue garments shone like copper in the red
+sun's rays, and the star stood trembling in her high dark hair. And
+exactly as before, she stood up, absolutely straight, as if on purpose
+to throw into strong relief the undulating curves of her lovely form,
+and yet she differed from her own dream in this, that her soft round
+bosom was rising and falling like an agitated wave, as if she had been
+running very fast with nimble feet, that had stopped short, at the
+sight of me. And she held her pretty head, with appealing grace, just
+a very little on one side, looking at me with great sweet eyes, and
+lips that smiled, half-open, as if to let her breathe, saying as it
+were: I know that I am very guilty, and yet I am absolutely sure to be
+forgiven, since you cannot find it in your heart to scold. And somehow
+or other, there came from every part of her as it were the delicious
+fragrance of an extreme desire to oblige and please, that exactly
+corresponded with the excessive gentleness of the voice that had just
+spoken; and yet it was mixed in some inexplicable way with a very
+faint suggestion of authority, as though to say: All will willingly
+obey me; but those who will not,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span> must. And one hand hung down by her
+side, holding a lute by a yellow string: while the other was playing
+with the beads of a necklace of great pearls, that lay on the ocean of
+her surging breast, so that it was carried up and down on its wave.
+And she looked, as she stood before me, like a faultless feminine
+incarnation of the essence of a bosom friend, turned into an
+instrument of supernatural seduction by the infusion of the
+intoxication of the other sex, and seeming as it were to say: How much
+dearer is a dear friend, that looks at thee with a woman's eyes!</p>
+
+<p>And I stood for a single instant, looking, with a soul that struggled
+to leave me, as if it had recognised at once, the moment it caught
+sight of her, whose claim it should obey. And I made a step towards
+her, stretching out both my hands: and all at once, I uttered a sharp
+cry, and fell at her feet in a swoon.</p>
+
+
+<h3>VIII</h3>
+<p>And when I came back to myself, I opened my eyes, and saw her,
+standing close beside me, bending over towards me, and watching me
+with eyes that were full of an expression that was half anxiety and
+half compassion. And as I rose to my feet, in confusion, she said
+quietly: Nay, it would be better for thee to sit still, for a little
+while, until thou art recovered. Art thou ill, or what is the matter
+with thee? And I looked at her, making as it were sure of her being
+really there, and I said with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span> emotion: Nay, on the contrary, I am
+very well indeed, now that I find thee still here, as I never hoped to
+see thee. For I was terribly afraid, lest I should lose thee as I did
+before. And the shock was like a blow, for I have waited so long, to
+see thee again. And she looked at me with astonishment, and she said:
+Before? Again? What dost thou mean? When have we ever met before? And
+I said: In a dream. And it may be, even earlier, in some former birth.
+I cannot tell. But instantly, I knew thee again, and my heart stopped,
+unable to endure the unutterable joy, and the choking pain, and the
+suddenness of the surprise: for it came upon me like a thunderbolt,
+without warning. And as I said, I was white with terror, lest thou
+shouldst have taken advantage of my swoon, to disappear, as thou didst
+before. For if I had not seen thee, when I woke up, I should have
+died.</p>
+
+<p>And she looked at me for a while, with curiosity, and as if meditating
+over what I said. And then she sighed. And she said in a low voice, as
+if speaking to herself: This is my fault. Alas! I foresaw that there
+would be danger in thy coming. And I exclaimed: Danger! Be under no
+concern. Thou hast nothing at all to fear from me, or indeed from
+anything whatever, as long as I am near thee. Then she said: Nay, but
+thou dost not understand. It is not for myself that I was afraid, but
+for thee. And as I looked at her, as if to ask her what she meant, she
+said again: It is I who am the danger. For I know by experience that I
+always act on thy sex like a spell: only in thy case, the spell was
+very strong:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span> so strong, as almost to destroy thee. And yet, it is not
+my fault, after all. Blame me not, but rather blame the Creator who
+made me as I am. And I exclaimed: Blame him! nay, rather worship and
+adore him, for the wonder of his work: as thou art very certainly his
+masterpiece. What! wouldst thou have me blame him, for producing a
+thing that I could worship, instead of himself? And she shook her head
+slowly as I spoke, and she said: Thou seest: it is exactly as I said.
+I am a poison to thee. And I looked at her, trembling with sheer
+ecstasy to look at her and listen to her: and suddenly I burst out
+laughing, with my eyes full of tears. And I said: Poison! Thou! Ah!
+let me only drink such poison to its dregs! I ask for nothing more.
+And she said: Come! let us sit on the step, and thou wilt recover. And
+when we were seated, she said, after a while: Forget me, if thou
+canst, for a moment, and listen, and I will tell thee of the
+difficulty which led me to summon thee to my assistance.</p>
+
+<p>And then she began to speak to me of the musical intervals, while I
+sat gazing at her, drunk with admiration, and growing hot and cold by
+turns, never so much as hearing a single word she said, but listening
+only to the unutterable sweetness of the voice that spoke, that
+sounded in my ears like the noise of a waterfall coming from a
+distance to the ear of one that lies dying of thirst. And all at once,
+I broke in abruptly, without any reference whatever to her words: and
+I said: O T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, they named thee well who chose thy name:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span> for thou
+art indeed like the star on thy brow. And when I think how nearly I
+never came to thee at all, I shudder for sheer terror, to think I all
+but missed my opportunity, and lost thee for ever. And I owe thee an
+apology, for a crime, done to thy divinity in ignorance. Aye!
+Chaturik&aacute; was right, when she told me I was worthy of death, for
+confounding thee with her.</p>
+
+<p>And she said, with a sigh: Thou art not listening to what I say. And
+then she smiled, with a little smile that shook my heart for delight,
+and she said: Aye! Chaturik&aacute; told me of thy error. But trust her not,
+when she speaks of me, for she is a flatterer. And yet, thy crime was
+venial, and one easily forgiven: for she is very pretty, as I am not.
+But we are wandering from the point, and wasting time, and talking
+nonsense. Forget us both, and listen with attention, and I will begin
+all over again. And I swept away her beginning with a wave of my hand,
+and I exclaimed: It is useless, for I can listen at present to
+absolutely nothing. There is no room in my soul for anything but thee.
+Speak to me of thyself, and I will listen never moving for the
+remainder of my life. And once again she sighed, lifting her hands,
+and letting them fall again, as if in despair. And she said gently: If
+thou absolutely wilt not attend, where was the use of thy coming at
+all? And I said: If thou wilt only send for me every day, at sunset,
+for a year, it may be that I shall at last be able to forget thee
+sufficiently, for a very little while, to attend to something else.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And suddenly she laughed, with laughter that exactly resembled the
+laughter of a child, and she said: Thou art very crafty indeed, but
+thy cunning plan would take a long time, with but little result. And
+even then, I am not sure I could rely on thy forgetting. And I
+exclaimed, with emphasis: Thou art absolutely right, for the moment of
+oblivion would never come at all. But O thou miracle of a queen, tell
+me at least one thing about thyself. And she said: What? And I said:
+How can the King thy husband be so utterly bereft of his reason as to
+let any other man see his star? Or is he, in very truth, actually
+blind? For I could understand it, if he really cannot see.</p>
+
+<p>And she looked at me with surprise: and she said slowly: Dost thou
+actually not know, what everybody knows? And I said: I know nothing
+that everybody knows, being as I am a stranger. But this I know, very
+well, that if thou wert <i>my</i> pearl, I would take very good care to
+hide thee. For even an honest man might well turn robber, tempted by
+the sight of such an ocean pearl. And she said, very quietly: It needs
+no thief to steal the pearl, if indeed it be a pearl, which its owner
+cast away long ago as a thing of no value, for anyone to pick up as he
+passes by.</p>
+
+<p>And I stared at her in stupefaction, and I struck my hands together
+and exclaimed: Art thou mad, or am I dreaming? And she said gently: It
+is true. And anybody but a stranger like thyself would have known it,
+without needing to be told. And she dropped her eyes,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span> and sat for a
+while, fingering the string of her lute, as if on purpose to make
+herself into a picture for my intoxicated gaze: and suddenly she said:
+Why should I make a secret of a thing that another will tell thee, if
+I do not, adding to the truth slanders that are false? It is better
+for thee, and for me, to learn from my own mouth what it is impossible
+to hide. There is a relation of the King, whose name is Narasinha. And
+one day he saw me by accident, on the roof of the palace, and
+instantly he lost his reason, as all the men who see me always do. And
+not long after, the King was set upon by numbers in a battle, and
+within a very little of being slain; and Narasinha saved his life,
+very nearly losing his own. And the King said, when all was over: Now,
+then, O Narasinha, ask me for anything I have, no matter what: it is
+thine. And Narasinha saw his opportunity. And he shut his eyes, like
+one that leaps from a precipice to life or death. And he said: Give me
+thy Queen, T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;: or else, slay me, here and now, with this very
+sword that saved thy life. And then, to his amazement, as he stood
+with his head bowed, expecting death, the King burst out laughing. And
+he said: Is that all? Aha! Narasinha, we were both frightened, thou
+and I: thou, of asking, and I, of what thou mightest ask. Didst thou
+not think, I should slay thee, for thinking of her even in a dream?
+But my life were worth little, if I haggled with its saviour over its
+price. And T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; is thine, to do with as thou wilt. For I have only
+one life, whereas queens can be found in all directions, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span> I can
+very easily replace her, whenever I choose. Only she must not leave
+the palace, for after all, she is my Queen, and so she must remain,
+for everyone but me and thee. And so he gave me clean away to
+Narasinha, in secret, but it is a secret that everybody knows, and
+tells in secret to everybody else. And I have gained by the exchange.
+For Narasinha risked his life, twice, to win me, and the King would
+never have risked so much as his little finger to save the life of a
+hundred queens, and gave me away, like a straw, for the mere asking,
+not even stopping to consider, that in the straw he gave away his own
+honour lay hidden, which he gave away with me. And I could have
+forgiven him for giving me away, but who could forgive the King who
+valued his own honour less than his own life? And to the King I was
+never more than a necessary ornament, a thing like a sceptre and a
+throne, and a mere piece of royal furniture: whereas I am more than
+the life of Narasinha, and the apple of his eye.</p>
+
+
+<h3>IX</h3>
+<p>And as she spoke, I listened, not believing my own ears, and saying to
+myself: Is it all real, or can it be that I am only dreaming after
+all? And which is the greater wonder, this miserable King, who,
+leaving honour out of the account, is so utterly besotted as to give
+away a thing like her to the first man who asks for her, or T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;
+herself, telling the whole story of her own<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span> depreciation with such
+contemptuous and yet delicious candour to such a one as me? Aye! well
+indeed she might despise a husband so unutterably despicable; and yet
+his oblivion of his own honour is easier by far to understand than his
+blindness to the value of the thing he gave away. And would she tell
+me anything at all, unless she had come to the conclusion that I was
+worthy of her confidence? And who knows? For why should she consent to
+be given like a horse to Narasinha? Why might she not prefer to give
+herself, and choose for herself the man who was to be her owner? And
+what if I could persuade her to let me be the man? And at the very
+thought, my head began to swim in the delirium of hope and almost
+unimaginable anticipation. And I said: Dear T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, is it the fault
+of the ocean gem, if its boorish owner flings it away, taking it for a
+bit of common glass, and ignoring its inestimable worth? There are
+other and better judges, who would give their very lives, only to be
+allowed to pick it up.</p>
+
+<p>And she looked at me with a smile, and she leaned towards me, and she
+said, with gentle mischief in her eyes: Shall I tell thee thy very
+thoughts, and it may be, tumble down for thee the unsubstantial
+castles thou art even already building in the air? Thou art marvelling
+at the King, for giving me so carelessly away: and thou art wondering,
+why I am telling thee about it: and last of all, it may be, thou art
+counting on my independence. Is it not so? And I hung my head in
+silence, ashamed at being so accurately detected by the subtle
+penetration<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span> of this extraordinary Queen. And presently she said, as
+if to console me for my confusion, with unutterable sweetness in her
+voice: Come, do not allow delusive imagination to run away with thee,
+but curb him, and rein him up, and stop him, and be wise. For I
+belong, body and soul, to Narasinha. And yet, for all that, I am my
+own mistress, and act exactly as I choose. And I see anyone I please,
+and at my own time, and go, like a wild elephant, wherever inclination
+leads me. And music is my passion, and I heard of thee, and sent for
+thee, and now that I have seen thee, I like thee. And now, shall we be
+friends?</p>
+
+<p>And as she ended, she put out towards me both her hands, leaning
+towards me, and looking at me with a smile, and eyes full of an
+invitation so irresistibly caressing that it swept away my
+self-control, consuming it like a blade of grass in a forest fire. And
+I started to my feet, and instantly she rose herself. And I seized her
+right hand in my own, with a grip that made it an unwilling prisoner
+beyond all hope of escape. And I exclaimed with agitation: Friends!
+only friends! Alas! O T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, hast thou given thyself, body and
+soul, so absolutely to Narasinha, as not to have left even the very
+smallest atom over, for me, now that I have discovered thee at last? O
+I have dreamed of thee, and thy sweetness, and thy eyes, so long, so
+long.</p>
+
+<p>And as I gazed at her, forgetting everything in the world, but my
+incontrollable thirst for herself, she sighed, and she said with
+compassion: Poor boy! I did ill, to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span> summon thee at all. Thou art only
+drinking poison, and yet I know not any antidote, save only to bid
+thee go away.</p>
+
+<p>And I stood, bereft of my senses, and without knowing what I did,
+pulling her by the hand, that lay reluctantly in mine, endeavouring to
+free itself in vain. And half resisting, half consenting, against her
+own will, to be pulled, she came slowly towards me, leaning back, and
+looking at me with eyes that seemed to implore me to release her, and
+yet, unable to be harsh, no matter what I did. And at last, she
+reached me, and she closed her eyes, as I kissed her, with a shudder
+of delight that was almost terror, on the lips. And then instantly I
+let her go, and stood aghast at what I had done. And I stammered:
+Forgive! for I did not know what I was doing.</p>
+
+<p>And she shook her head, and said very gently: Nay, it is I myself who
+am to blame: since I might have known that this would be the
+inevitable end. But now, good-bye! for thou hast been here already far
+too long. And then, she hesitated for an instant, looking at me as if
+with pity; and she said with a smile: Thou must absolutely go, and yet
+my heart is sorry for thee, for I understand, what going means, to
+thee. Come, if thou wilt, I will allow thee, to bid me good-bye.</p>
+
+<p>And as she held out her arms, looking at me with a smile, my reason
+fled. And I caught her anyhow, with one arm round her waist, and the
+other round her neck, turning round unawares, so that suddenly I found
+her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span> lying in my arms, gazing up into my eyes, with lips that trembled
+as they smiled. And I drew a deep sigh, and then I kissed her in a
+frenzy with a kiss that seemed as if it would never end.</p>
+
+<p>And then, I almost threw her from me, with a cry. And I turned and
+fled away, without looking back, and found, I know not how, the door,
+and knocked, and it was opened; and I got, somehow or other, into the
+street. And I went home like one walking in a dream, with feet that
+found their way of their own accord.</p>
+
+
+<h3>X</h3>
+<p>And I threw myself on my bed, and lay, all night long, asleep or
+awake, I know not which, but gazing with eyes that as it were shone
+into the dark, and a heart burning with the fire of joy, and a soul
+lost in the ecstasy of recollection, saying to myself without ceasing:
+I have found her, I have found her: and the reality is sweeter far
+even than the dream. And morning arrived, as it seemed, even before
+night had begun, for time was lost altogether in the abyss of
+reminiscence. And I rose up, and stood still, with my eyes fixed upon
+the ground, going over every detail, and striving to recall every atom
+of the meeting of the day before. And I said to myself: Ha! and fool
+that I was, I very nearly missed her, by refusing to go at all. And
+unless that lucky elephant had chanced to come along, I was absolutely
+lost. And yet, how could I possibly have guessed that T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span> would
+turn out to be the lady of my dream? O joy, that she caught me just
+before I went away! O the star in her hair, and the sound of her
+voice, and O the unendurable torture of being absent for an instant
+from the possibility of the nectar of her kiss!</p>
+
+<p>And then, all at once, I started, for a thought ran of its own accord
+like a dagger straight into my heart. And I exclaimed: Alas! I had
+forgotten. How in the world am I ever to see her again? And she said:
+Good-bye! Can it be that she intended I was never to return? Alas!
+beyond a doubt, good-bye was good-bye, and for all her extraordinary
+kindness, she was offended by my overweening presumption, and sent me
+away, and will not send for me again. Aye! all is over: for like
+Durg&aacute;,<a name="FNanchor_24_24" id="FNanchor_24_24"></a><a href="#Footnote_24_24" class="fnanchor">[24]</a> she is absolutely inaccessible, unless she chooses to
+reveal herself to her miserable devotee of her own accord. Aye indeed!
+my arrogance has ruined me in her estimation, and I cannot even hope
+ever to see her any more. Fool that I was, and mad, to run away like a
+deer, never so much as dreaming of providing for my return! Now
+indeed, I have dropped myself into a well without a rope, and she is
+as utterly beyond my reach, as if indeed she were a star.</p>
+
+<p>And my knees shook, and I sank down, with my head buried in my hands,
+ready to cry, for sheer anguish, at the thought of my inability to get
+at her, and the horror <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span>on purpose to keep me in suspense, and torture
+my impatience. And then at last, she said: Sunset! What! didst thou
+fear I was going to say Farewell?</p>
+
+<p>And as she laughed again, I caught her by the hand, in exultation, and
+her laughter suddenly changed into a shriek. And she said, with more
+laughter: Nay, thou hast come within a little of breaking my hand in
+pieces, gripping it like one that catches at a twig, to save himself
+from drowning. What! wouldst thou requite a benefit, by injuring thy
+benefactor? Or hast thou again mistaken one hand for another? And
+again she began to laugh, looking at me slily, with her provoking
+pretty eyes: and she said: No matter, I forgive thee, for as I said, I
+understand. But O Shatrunjaya the lute-player, what is it that has
+made thee change thy mind, since yesterday? Or am I to go back and
+tell the Queen, once more, that her music-master will not come?</p>
+
+<p>And she turned, laughing still, to go away. But I sprang forward, and
+caught her in my arms again, and said: Nay, dear Chaturik&aacute;, do not go.
+Stay just a little longer, for art thou not her shadow?</p>
+
+<p>And yet once more she began to laugh, pushing me away, as she
+exclaimed: It is utterly impossible, O Shatrunjaya, for I have many
+things to do, and very little time. And I am not sure that I care to
+be embraced, merely because I am the shadow of another. Thou must
+contrive how thou canst, without me, to restrain thy insatiable
+appetite of embracing other people, till sunset. Patience! thou hast
+not long to wait.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And she went out and shut the door, and suddenly, just as it was
+closing, she opened it again, and put in her head. And she said: Shall
+I tell her of thy anxiety to embrace me, or leave it to thee? Dear
+Chaturik&aacute;! Ah! ah! Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she
+turns away!</p>
+
+<p>And then she shut the door and disappeared.</p>
+
+
+<h3>XI</h3>
+<p>And as the door shut behind her, she left the whole room filled to the
+very brim with the red glow of triumphant love's emotion, and the
+atmosphere of the ecstasy of happiness; and the laughter, of which she
+seemed to be the incarnation, hung, so to say, in every corner of the
+room. And my heart sang and my blood bubbled with the wave of the
+ocean of anticipation that surged and swelled within me, so that I was
+utterly unable to sit still, for sheer joy; and my soul began as it
+were to dance in such excitement, that I could hardly refrain from
+shouting, resembling one intoxicated by the abruptness of a sudden
+change from certain death to the very apex of life's sweetness. And I
+said to myself: Sunset! So, then, beyond a doubt, she has either
+forgiven me, or is willing to forgive. And who knows? For if she has
+forgiven once, she may forgive again: when again, it may be, she will
+allow me to say good-bye. And at the thought, my heart began to burn
+with dull fire, hurting me so that I could hardly breathe: and yet<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span>
+strange! the pain was divided only by a hair from a sweetness so
+intense that I laughed aloud, without knowing why, like one hovering
+on the very verge of being mad. And so I remained, drowned in the
+ocean of the torture and the nectar of love-longing, every now and
+then waking as from a day-dream to wonder at the sun, who seemed to
+dawdle on his way, as if on purpose to separate my soul from my body
+with impatience. But at last, after all, day began slowly to come to
+an end, and I set out for the palace, with feet that could hardly be
+restrained from running as fast as they could go.</p>
+
+<p>And at the gate the very same <i>pratih&aacute;r&iacute;</i> was waiting, and she led me
+away, exactly as before, to the door, and opened it, and I went in.
+And I stood, listening to its sound as it shut behind me, hardly able
+to believe that it was not a dream, as I found myself once more in the
+garden that contained the Queen. And I stopped for a while, for my
+heart was beating so furiously that I was afraid it would break. And I
+said to myself, with a sigh of ineffable relief: Ah! now, then, I am
+actually here, once more. And O now, very soon, comes the agonising
+rapture of seeing her again. And I wonder where she is, and how I
+shall find her to-night. And now I must begin to hunt for a very sweet
+quarry. And suddenly I started almost running, paying absolutely no
+attention to the trees at all, with eyes that were blind for
+everything in the world, except one.</p>
+
+<p>And then, all at once, I stopped short: for I looked and saw her, a
+little way off, under a great <i>nyagrodha</i> tree, sitting<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span> crossways in
+a low swing<a name="FNanchor_25_25" id="FNanchor_25_25"></a><a href="#Footnote_25_25" class="fnanchor">[25]</a> that hung down from a long bough, holding one of its
+ropes in her left hand that was stretched as high as it could go, and
+leaning back against the other with her head cushioned in her bent
+right arm. And she had her left foot tucked beneath her, so that her
+left knee stood up in the swing, while her right leg was stretched out
+below, so that its foot just reached the ground, to allow her to swing
+very gently, whenever her toes touched the earth. And the lovely line
+of her great right hip seemed to cry for admiration, running down in a
+single unbroken curve from her waist into the ground, balanced as it
+were above by the slender beauty of her left arm rising from the mound
+of her left breast. And the rising moon which she was watching touched
+her with a faint lustre, lighting up like a lamp the great gem in her
+hair, and making the champak blossom that floated in the hollow of her
+bosom's wave glimmer like the foam on a midnight sea. And after a
+while, I began to steal towards her on tiptoe, fearing to disturb her,
+lest the lovely picture should be spoiled, yet yearning to be with her
+with the whole strength of my soul. But all at once, she heard me
+coming, and looked round and saw me. And instantly she left her swing,
+and came towards me, walking quickly with undulating steps, as upright
+as a pillar of her own tree. And I stood still, to watch her coming,
+and adore it, and delay it, but she <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span>reached me in a moment, and she
+stopped, and said with a smile: I am very glad to see thee. I sent
+thee, by the mouth of Chaturik&aacute;, a time, and yet I hardly dared to
+hope for thy coming: since doubtless thou hast a better use for thy
+hours than to waste them upon me.</p>
+
+<p>And I stared at her, in utter stupefaction: and then, all at once I
+began to laugh. And I exclaimed: Waste! I do not understand. What dost
+thou mean? Or what was thy object in bidding me to come to thee at
+sunset? Surely not merely to talk to me of music? And she looked at me
+gently, with surprise. And she said: Of course. What other object
+could I have? And I looked at her in silence, saying to myself: Can it
+really be possible that she means exactly what she says, and that this
+was the only significance of the word she sent to me? And suddenly I
+leaned towards her, with hunger in my eyes. And I said: Then indeed, I
+was mistaken. It was not so, that I interpreted thy summons. Alas! O
+T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, the only music that I came for was the music of thy
+incomparable voice, and I thought it was thy own deliberate intention
+to send for me simply that I might listen to it again, as I gazed on
+its owner with adoration.</p>
+
+<p>And she looked at me reproachfully, and she said: Again! Alas! I
+imagined that thou wouldst ere now have recovered from thy shock of
+yesterday, and be able now to help me; and yet, here is thy delusion
+returning, as it seems, even worse than before. See now, forget
+altogether that I am a woman, and let us talk of music,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span> like two
+friends. And I laughed in derision, and I exclaimed: Forget that thou
+art a woman! Ask me rather to forget I am a man. Art thou blind, or
+hast thou never even looked into a mirror? Dost thou imagine me less
+than a man, bidding me forget that she is a woman who stands before
+me, as thou dost, smiling, and bewildering my soul with her maddening
+loveliness, and the absolute perfection of her body and her soul,
+showing the hungry man food, and forbidding him to eat, and the
+thirsty man water, and requiring him to think of it as something it is
+not? Or art thou all the time only playing, having no heart in thy
+body, or a stone for a heart? Didst thou summon me only to torture and
+torment me? Dost thou not know, canst thou not see, the agony of my
+suffering, standing close enough to seize thee in my arms, and yet
+kept at a distance, to listen to what I cannot even understand? I tell
+thee, I am drunk with thy beauty, and mad with intolerable desire for
+the incomprehensible fascination of thy charm, and dost thou dream of
+quenching my fire by talking about friends? I want no friendship from
+thee. I will be more than a friend to thee, or less: aye! I would give
+all the friendship in the three worlds for a single drop of nectar,
+mixed of thy body and thy soul.</p>
+
+<p>And as I spoke, she listened, putting up every now and then her hand,
+as if to stop me: and when I ended, she stood, looking at me in
+perplexity, as if utterly unable to decide what to do. And at last, I
+said: Why dost thou say nothing? And she said, simply; I do not know<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span>
+what to say. And I laughed aloud, lost in admiration of the
+extraordinary simplicity of her incomparable reply. And I exclaimed: O
+thou wonderful woman, how can I find words to express what I feel for
+thee? And she said, as if with despair: I counted on thy recovery. And
+I said: Count not on my recovery, for I never shall recover. And she
+said, with a smile: Then, as it seems, I shall never have my music
+lesson. And perhaps it would be better, if it ended here, without ever
+having begun. And in any case, to-night, thy visit must of necessity
+be a very short one, since I have other business, unexpectedly arisen,
+to do. And so, shall we say good-night, without any more delay?</p>
+
+<p>And I said slowly: If I must go, I must: for I will obey thee, order
+what thou wilt. And yet, wilt thou not allow me at least to bid thee
+good-bye, as thou didst last night?</p>
+
+<p>And she looked at me, as I leaned towards her, as if with reproach,
+and she stood for a moment, hesitating, and as it were, balanced in
+the swing of her own beautiful irresolution. And then, after a while,
+she sighed, and put out her hand, as if with resignation. And I drew
+her to me with a clutch, and caught her in my arms, showering on her
+lips and her eyes and her hair kisses that resembled a rain of fire:
+while all the time she offered absolutely no resistance, allowing me
+to do with her exactly as I pleased. And when at last I stopped to
+breathe, looking at her with eyes dim with emotion, she said, very
+gently, with a smile, lying just as she was, fettered in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span> my arms:
+Hast thou yet bid me good-bye, to thy satisfaction? And I said in a
+low voice: Nay, not at all. For thou hast not yet kissed me in return,
+even once. And as if out of compassion, she did as she was told:
+kissing me gently, over and over again, for I would not let her stop,
+with kisses that resembled snowflakes that burned as they fell.</p>
+
+<p>And at last, I let her go. And holding her two hands, I gazed at her
+for a while in adoration, while she looked at me as if patiently
+waiting to be released, with a little smile. And I said: Now then I
+will obey thee, and go: for thou hast given me something that will
+keep me alive. And yet thou art cheating me by sending me away before
+the time, and thou owest me the rest. Promise me, that thou wilt
+summon me to-morrow, or I cannot go away, even if I try. For if I go,
+not knowing when I shall see thee again, I will slay myself on thy
+palace steps.</p>
+
+<p>And she drew away her hands, very gently, and turned away, and stood
+looking down upon the ground, reflecting. And I watched her, as I
+waited, with anxiety: for she seemed to be meditating, not so much of
+me, as of something unknown to me, that stood in the way of her
+decision. And then at last, she turned towards me, looking at me, as
+it seemed, with pity. And she said, almost sadly, and yet with a
+smile: Poor moth, thou wilt only burn away thy wings. Thou little
+knowest, what eyes are on thee, or the danger thou art running by
+overestimating me, and coming here at all. And yet,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span> the mischief has
+been done, and thou art greatly to be pitied, having fallen under a
+spell: and thou art suffering from a fever to which nothing can bring
+any alleviation but myself. And it would be far better to refuse thee,
+since to grant thy request cannot possibly do thee any good. And yet I
+cannot find it in my heart to deny thee what thou cravest, since I am
+myself the involuntary cause of all thy delusion, and can give thee
+such extraordinary pleasure, with so very little trouble to myself.
+And so, I will give thee thy desire, and to-morrow's sunset shall be
+thine.</p>
+
+<p>And I uttered a cry of joy. And utterly unable to control my emotion,
+I caught her once more in my arms, kissing her passionately with
+trembling lips. And suddenly I shuddered with delight, for I felt her
+lips kissing me again. And my senses reeled, and I murmured with
+emotion: Ah! thou lady of my dream, art thou real, or am I still only
+dreaming after all? And she stood back, putting me away with her hand,
+and she said, gently: I am real, but thou seest me through the eyes of
+thy dream. For what is there, after all, in me, save what thou puttest
+there thyself, with the aid of thy fancy, and thy passion, and the
+recollection of thy dream?</p>
+
+<p>And I looked at her in silence for a while, and then I said: Promise
+me yet one thing more. And she smiled, and said: Thou art insatiable:
+and yet, what is it? And I said: Send me Chaturik&aacute; in the morning,
+just to tell me what I know already. For I shall be dying of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span>
+impatience, and she is like a foretaste of thyself, and will help to
+keep me alive.</p>
+
+<p>And she laughed, and she said: Ah! thou art very crafty, for Chaturik&aacute;
+is far prettier than I. But I will send her for all that, to gratify
+thee to the full. And moreover, I am not jealous. But now, thou must
+absolutely go: for I must also. And she leaned towards me, with eyes
+that were full of an unutterable caress: and she said: To-morrow, at
+sunset, I will be thy dream. Only remember, not to blame me, for
+anything that may happen when awaking comes.</p>
+
+<p>And I turned and went away, with a heart that trembled in the
+extremity of joy. And when I had gone a little way, I looked back, and
+saw her still standing, looking after me, with her two hands clasped
+behind her head, as motionless as a tree. And after a little while, I
+looked again, and she was gone.</p>
+
+
+<h3>XII</h3>
+<p>And when I got home, I threw myself on my bed, and instantly fell fast
+asleep, for I was worn out by emotion and fatigue: and my slumber
+resembled the deep peace of my own heart. And a little before the
+dawn, I woke up, and went out, wandering where my footsteps led me,
+with a soul lost in meditation on T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, bathed in the nectar of
+reminiscence and anticipation, and yet puzzled by a doubt that it
+could not resolve. And I said to myself as I went along: How in the
+world can a queen<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span> like her, who laughs all other women to utter
+scorn, for beauty and understanding and gentleness and sweetness, and
+some unintelligible magic charm that is somehow spread all over her,
+and echoes in the tone of her delicious voice that makes every fibre
+of my heart tremble every time I hear it; how can such a queen as she
+show such extraordinary favour to such a thing as me? For I could
+understand it, if it were any other man. For then I should say that
+beyond all doubt, she actually preferred him to all others in the
+world, for sheer affection. And yet, as it is, it is quite
+incomprehensible. For, it might seem, that she must be in love with me
+herself, returning my affection: and yet it cannot be. For how could
+such a miracle as she is, the supreme achievement of the Creator, and
+the concentrated essence of the charm of all her sex, think of such a
+one as me, even in a dream, as an object of affection? And yet, if
+not, how is her behaviour to be explained? For I might perhaps believe
+that she was merely playing with me for her own amusement, were she
+any other woman than exactly the one she is: but as it is, no one
+could believe it that had ever seen her for an instant: and she needs
+no other argument in her defence than every glance at her supplies.
+And it may be, after all, that she took up with Narasinha merely out
+of pique, at being so unceremoniously slighted and cast off as a thing
+of no value by her booby of a husband, and, as it were, also out of
+gratitude to find herself appreciated at her true value, which she
+must very well understand notwith<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span>standing all her own beautiful
+self-depreciation, which is an extra charm enhancing all her other
+charms: and afterwards, it may be, she has changed her mind, as women
+do, about Narasinha, without being willing to admit it, even to
+herself; and come, only the other day, suddenly on me. Aye! beyond a
+doubt, this would be the true conclusion, and the answer to the
+riddle, but for one consideration that makes it utterly impossible,
+that I am only I.</p>
+
+<p>And so as I debated with myself, all at once I heard my own name
+called aloud in the air. And I looked up, and lo! there was my old
+friend Harid&aacute;sa,<a name="FNanchor_26_26" id="FNanchor_26_26"></a><a href="#Footnote_26_26" class="fnanchor">[26]</a> on a camel. And he said: Ha! Shatrunjaya, art
+thou thyself indeed, or another exactly like thee, or hast thou lost
+thy senses and thy ears? For here have I been calling to thee, all
+along the street, without succeeding in waking thee from thy dream,
+till now. And what can it be, that can so fill thy mind as to stop up
+all its entrances?</p>
+
+<p>And I exclaimed in delight: Ah! Harid&aacute;sa, thou art come in the very
+nick of time, the very man, at this moment, that I need most. Get off
+thy camel, for a while, and come and sit beside me, and find me, if
+thou canst, an answer to a question that I cannot find myself. And so
+he did. And as soon as we were seated by the roadside, I said to him:
+Harid&aacute;sa, listen. Thou knowest me well. Now tell me thy opinion: am I
+one that a woman might choose out of many for a lover?</p>
+
+<p>And Harid&aacute;sa began to laugh. And he looked at me <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span>shrewdly, and he
+said: Aha! Shatrunjaya the lute-player, so this was thy preoccupation?
+Art thou one to catch a woman's fancy? O Shatrunjaya, why not? For art
+thou not a musician, famous in the world, and a man among men, into
+the bargain? All women love a giant, such as thou art. Any woman of
+them all might do worse than fall in love with thee. And yet thy very
+question shows, that in this matter of women, thou art little better
+than a child, as indeed thou always wert. For even the Deity himself
+can never tell what man any woman will prefer, or why: as how should
+he, seeing that she does not even know, herself? And there never yet
+existed any man whom some woman would not worship, let him be as ugly
+as you please, or even for that very reason: and yet, let a man be a
+very K&aacute;madewa, woman after woman will pass him by, without even so
+much as casting a glance at him out of the very corner of her eye. For
+a woman's affection depends on her fancy, and that is like the wind,
+that comes and goes and wavers how and where it will, without a reason
+that anybody can discover. And it is sheer waste of time to sit and
+wonder, whether thou art or art not a man that a woman might love.
+Thou art both, or neither: for the only way to settle thy question is
+to try. And she will, or she will not, of her own accord. And now, who
+is she, this beauty who has set thee so knotty a problem to solve?</p>
+
+<p>And I said with indifference: There is no such beauty; for all my
+perplexity arose from the line of an<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span> old song: Nectar when she turns
+towards thee: poison when she turns away.</p>
+
+<p>And Harid&aacute;sa turned sharp towards me, and looked at me intently for a
+very long while, saying absolutely nothing. And we sat talking of
+other things till he rose to go away. And then, at the very moment he
+was mounting on his camel, he turned, and came back. And he said:
+Listen! Thou art hiding from me something that maybe I could startle
+thee by guessing: but no matter. Keep thy secret: but listen to a
+piece of good advice, which may serve thee at a pinch. If ever thou
+wouldst have a woman prize thee, never let her see that thou settest
+any store by her. Treat her as a straw, and she will run after thee as
+if thou wert a magnet: make thyself her slave, and she will hold thee
+cheap, and discard thee for another. For women think meanly of their
+sex, and utterly despise the man who places them above himself: since
+in her heart every woman longs to be a man, bewailing her misfortune
+in being born a woman, and praying all her life for one thing only, to
+be born a man in another birth. And one thing above all she cannot
+understand, how or why any man should make a fuss about any woman, as
+all men do: which, just because she is not a man herself, she cannot
+comprehend. And like jugglers, that are not taken in by their own
+tricks, women look upon men as mere fools, for being taken in at all.
+For a woman's charm, to a woman, is not only not a charm at all, but a
+trick, and a lure, understood, and utterly despised. So now, be a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span>
+man, and whatever folly thou art meditating, at least beware of being
+guilty of the very greatest of them all, by doubting of thy own
+superiority of manhood to the womanhood of any woman, no matter who
+she be: and earning her contempt, by lying at her feet. And now,
+farewell! for I have business with Narasinha.</p>
+
+<p>And at the name of Narasinha, I pricked up my ears. And I said, with
+feigned indifference: Who is Narasinha?</p>
+
+<p>And Harid&aacute;sa spat upon the ground. And he said: One, whom thou art
+lucky not to know: and yet, his name is <i>apropos</i>. For he is the
+Queen's lover, and an instance in point: since he leads her by a
+string, just because he treats her as a trifle, and not, as all her
+other lovers do, as a gem not to be matched by any other in the sea.
+And yet he is not, like thee, a man among men, but a man among women.
+For just as a dancing-girl loves to be treated as a queen, so does a
+queen love to be treated as a dancing-girl.</p>
+
+<p>And then, all at once, he struck me on the shoulder. And he said, in a
+low voice: Why didst thou start, when I named Narasinha?</p>
+
+<p>And without waiting for any answer, he got quickly on his camel, and
+rode away, never looking back.</p>
+
+
+<h3>XIII</h3>
+<p>And I stood, looking after him, with a startled heart, and then I went
+home slowly, saying to myself: How in the world did he guess my
+secret, and what did he mean?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span> Was there a warning in his words? And
+what is all this about the Queen? Did he ever see her in his life? for
+if he had, he would long ago have discovered that all his rules have
+exceptions, of which T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; is one: being not only the very gem
+beyond comparison that he spoke of with contempt, but a woman of women
+who very certainly never would despise any one at all, least of all
+the man who thought her exactly what she is, a star, far, far above
+his own muddy earth: a thing made of some rare celestial matter,
+differing altogether from anything to be found here below, fetched by
+the Creator when he meant to make her from some abysmal intermundane
+mine, where ocean foam and lunar ooze and sandal-wood and camphor lie
+jumbled up together with the essence of all curves and smiles and
+whispers and soft kisses and sweet glances and irresolution and long
+hair. And the image of the Queen rose up before me, laughing as it
+were in scorn at Harid&aacute;sa, and utterly obliterating everything he
+said. And I said to myself in ecstasy: Sunset will be here, very soon.
+And I reached my house, and looked, and lo! there was sitting at the
+door a Rajpoot, covered with the desert's dust, and holding by the
+rein a horse that hung its head, trembling still, and white with foam.</p>
+
+<p>And as I came towards him, he stood up, and made obeisance. And he
+said: Mah&aacute;r&aacute;j, thou art come at last, and it was time. And I said:
+What is the matter? Then he said: Thy mother sent me, and I have
+ridden night and day. The King thy father is dying, and every<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span> moment
+he may be dead. And now, if thou carest, either for thy father, or thy
+mother, or thy throne, there is only one chance for thee, to fly to
+them as fast as any horse can take thee, without the delay of a single
+moment. So my message is delivered, and the Mah&aacute;r&aacute;j is judge.</p>
+
+<p>And again he made obeisance, and went away on foot, leading his horse
+behind. And I stood, looking after him in a stupor, like one struck by
+a bolt from heaven, in the form of his appalling news. And I said to
+myself: Go I must, or my mother is ousted, and the <i>r&aacute;j</i> lost. And yet
+if I go, the sun will set in the Queen's garden, and I shall not be
+there.</p>
+
+<p>And I pushed my door wide open, and went in, and sat down, with my
+face buried in my hands. And my own words sang in my head, over and
+over again: Go I must, or the <i>r&aacute;j</i> is lost, and my mother ousted. And
+the sun will set in the Queen's garden, and I shall not be there.</p>
+
+<p>And I heard a laugh beside me, and I looked up. Lo! there was
+Chaturik&aacute;, standing in the open door! And she looked at me with
+laughing eyes, and she said: Ha! as it seems, I am just in time to
+save thy life: for thou art apparently all but dead. And, beyond a
+doubt, the Queen is a cunning doctor, who understands her patient's
+case. For she sent me to thee, saying: Go to him, O Chaturik&aacute;, since
+without thee he will die: and help him, how thou canst, to live until
+the sun has set.</p>
+
+<p>And I stood up, and seized my hair with both my<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span> hands. And I groaned
+aloud, and said: Alas! O Chaturik&aacute;, what is a man to do, when two suns
+set, in opposite directions? And instantly, all the laughter died out
+of her face. And she looked at me with dark eyes, and she said: Two
+suns! What dost thou mean? And I told her all, and she listened in
+silence, till I ended. And then she said, with a sigh of relief: Ah!
+is that all? And I exclaimed: All? is it not enough for thee? And she
+said: I was terrified, by thy talking of two suns. For I began to
+think the Queen had a rival in thy affection. And I laughed, in anger
+and derision, and I exclaimed: A rival! Thou little fool! I am sorely
+tempted to beat thee, for daring to think anything of the kind, even
+in a dream. What! a rival! to T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;! Thou art stark mad. How could
+she possibly have a rival in the three worlds? But what am I to do?
+And she said: It is thy choice, not mine. Only when once a sun has
+set, who can tell, if it will ever rise again? And what am I to say to
+the Queen?</p>
+
+<p>And as she stood, looking at me, for an answer, there rose into my
+recollection the image of T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, leaning towards me in the
+moonlight, and saying: To-morrow, at sunset, I will be thy dream. And
+suddenly I exclaimed: Go back to her, O Chaturik&aacute;, and tell her that
+my only sun is the sun that sets in a Queen's garden.</p>
+
+<p>And then, to my astonishment, that singular Chaturik&aacute; suddenly threw
+herself into my arms, and kissed me without waiting to be asked. And
+seeing me look at her in perplexity, she burst out laughing, and she
+said with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span> delight: Ah! ah! So then, after all, there is a difference,
+as it seems, between Chaturik&aacute; and T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;. No doubt some kisses are
+far sweeter, but the sun must set, ere the lovely digit of the moon
+rises, and I must do what I can meanwhile, to help thee to keep alive.
+It was her own order. And moreover she will not be jealous, and will
+not scold me when I tell her all about it on my return. And I said:
+Nay, thou saucy little beauty, tell her with all my heart, and add,
+that her drug was efficacious, since sandal-wood and camphor turn
+everything that touches them into a little bit of fragrance exactly
+like their own. And take her hand, and kiss it, and say I send the
+kiss, like her message, by thy mouth, and here it is.</p>
+
+<p>And I caught her in my arms, and kissed her as she struggled, not
+willing this time to be kissed at all, exactly on her laughing lips,
+and then she went away.</p>
+
+
+<h3>XIV</h3>
+<p>And I said to myself in ecstasy, as she disappeared: Out on the very
+notion of leaving T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; in the lurch, and losing the very essence
+of the nectar of the lady of my dream, so kind, so clever, and so
+wonderful as she is! Well did she understand, how the very sight of
+this audacious little <i>chet&iacute;</i> would act like a balm on the fever of my
+longing for herself: carrying about with her, as she does, a
+reminiscence of the intoxicating fragrance of the great champak
+flower, whose messenger she is, like<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span> a female bee, scattering
+another's honey as she goes. Aye! Chaturik&aacute; is like a letter, smelling
+of the sandal of the hand that wrote it, far away. And T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;
+understood it all, and sent her; not being jealous, as Chaturik&aacute; says,
+and indeed, as she said herself, last night. As if a star of heaven
+could possibly be jealous of a little Ganges pot!<a name="FNanchor_27_27" id="FNanchor_27_27"></a><a href="#Footnote_27_27" class="fnanchor">[27]</a> Aye! little did
+my mother dream, when she sent to fetch me, what influence she had
+against her. As if I would purchase any kingdom in the world at the
+price of sacrificing my sunset with the Queen! And how can I help it,
+if the King my father chose just this unlucky astrological
+conjunction, to die? Or what good can be done by haste? For if he is
+dead already, as is very likely, all is lost, and it is useless to go
+at all. And if on the contrary, he lives for a little longer, I shall
+find him still alive, if I start to-morrow. And is it likely he will
+live or die exactly so, as to make my starting now either necessary or
+advantageous? And shall I take the risk, and throw away the very fruit
+of my birth, for nothing at all? And what would T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; think of me,
+if I left her in the lurch, counting her inestimable favour as a
+straw? Beyond all doubt, she would wipe me from her memory as a thing
+beneath even contempt, like a sieve, all holes, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span>into which it is
+futile to pour anything at all. No, I will keep my sunset, even if I
+lose my kingdom. And yet, why should I, after all? For to-morrow when
+I actually start, I will go very fast indeed, preparing everything
+beforehand, and having my horse waiting for me, so as to lose no time
+when I leave the Queen, carrying with me as I ride the memory of
+to-night: whereas if I threw her over, and set off to-night, the
+thought of what I was leaving behind would be so heavy as utterly to
+prevent me from going along at all.</p>
+
+<p>And so I mused, waiting all the time with fierce impatience for the
+sun to sink, till at last day came to an end. And then I rose in
+delight, exclaiming: At last, at last, separation is over, and now it
+is time! And I went very quickly to the palace, and found the
+<i>pratih&aacute;r&iacute;</i>: and she led me away straight to the door, and opened it,
+and I went in.</p>
+
+
+<h3>XV</h3>
+<p>And then, once more, I stood still, listening in ecstasy to the door
+as it shut behind me, and tasting, as it were, for an instant the
+delicious promise that the dusky garden gave me, standing like a diver
+on the edge of ocean, just before he plunges in, knowing well that it
+holds a pearl. And I stretched my arms towards the trees, saying to
+myself: This is not like the other times, but far, far better: for
+to-night she will not ask me to give her a music lesson, but she said
+herself, she would be my<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span> dream. And I wonder how she will do it, and
+what she is going to do. And then I went on through the trees, looking
+from side to side, with a soul as it were on tiptoe with curiosity and
+anticipation. And far away through the trees I saw the red rim of the
+full moon rising in a great hurry as if like myself he was dying with
+impatience just to see her, and saying as it were: I am the only lamp
+fit to light her, and I am just coming in another moment, like
+herself. And I passed by her swing that hung drooping, as it were,
+sadly from its tree, because she was not there. And little by little,
+my heart began to crave for the sight of her, growing restless and
+uneasy, and saying to itself with anxiety: What if something had
+actually prevented her from coming, and the garden were really as
+empty as it seems, and she were not here at all. And then at last I
+reached the terrace by the pool, exactly where I saw her first, and
+looked round with eager eyes, and she was not there. And then, just as
+I was on the verge of sinking into the black abyss of disappointment,
+all at once she came out of the shadow of a clump of great bamboos, in
+which she had been hiding, as it seemed, just to tease me into the
+belief she was not there, in order to intensify the unutterable
+delight of her abrupt appearance. And she stood still, as if to let me
+look at her, between two bamboo stems, just touching them with the
+very tips of the fingers of each hand, and saying in her soft sweet
+voice with a smile: Was I not right in choosing this as the only
+proper place for thee to meet the lady of thy dream, where we met each
+other first?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And I stood, confounded and as it were, dazed, by a vision so
+marvellously lovely that it puzzled me, murmuring to myself: Can this
+be T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; after all, and what has she done to herself, for she has
+changed, somehow or other, into the incarnation of some deity exactly
+like her, and she looks like an image of the wife of Wishnu<a name="FNanchor_28_28" id="FNanchor_28_28"></a><a href="#Footnote_28_28" class="fnanchor">[28]</a> that
+has somehow or other come down from its pedestal on a temple wall? For
+she was clothed in some strange colour that hovered between pallid
+yellow and deep red, seeming to have been borrowed from the setting
+sun and the rising moon. And it was all pulled forward, so that it
+clung somehow or other tight to her rounded limbs, making her whole
+outline from head to foot look like soft marble in the moonlit dusk,
+and it was collected in front into one great heavy fold that hung
+straight down like a red pillar from the very middle of her small
+waist, ending just above her feet in great gold tassels, that nearly
+touched the huge anklets of green jade with which her two little bare
+feet were loaded, as if to help them to stand firm. And a soft broad
+band of gold ran right round her just below her lovely breast, that
+lay held in its gold cup like a great double billow made of the creamy
+lather of the sea, prevented from escaping as it swelled up by the
+delicious dam formed by the curve of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span>her shoulders meeting the soft
+bulge of the upper part of her rounded arms, which came out from each
+side and seemed as it were to wave gently in the air like creeper
+sprays, free and unconfined, and not like her feet, chained down, but
+absolutely bare of any ornament at all. And on her hair was not a
+star, but a great yellow moonstone, that shone with a dull glimmer
+like a rival moon of her own, and over her left shoulder a long coil
+of dark hair came out from behind her head and hung down like a
+serpent, ending in a soft wisp like a yak's tail that was tied round
+with yellow silk. And the only thing that she retained of what she was
+before was the intoxicating charm of the upright poise of her whole
+figure, which seemed to say to me as I saw it: I am the one thing
+about her which she cannot possibly hide or alter, let her do what she
+will.</p>
+
+<p>And she stood quite still, as I gazed at her in ecstasy, lost in the
+wonder of my own eyes, looking back at me with her head just a little
+on one side, and her eyebrows just a very little raised, as if with
+appeal, and great soft sweet caressing smiling eyes. And then, after a
+while, she said, looking down: See, my feet are prisoners to-night, to
+do thee honour, as their lord, and they cannot walk fast or far, but
+it does not matter, as they will not be wanted, for I have a surprise
+coming for thee, by and by. But as to my arms, I thought it better to
+leave them without the encumbrance of any ornament at all. And she
+waved them gently in the air, and a little smile stole over her lips,
+and she said: It would only have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span> been in the way, if the fancy should
+come upon thee to say good-bye in thy own fashion. And now, it was
+very difficult for me to know exactly what to do, so as to place the
+lady of thy dream before thee, since thou hast never told me what she
+looked like in the dream. And so thou must forgive me, if I have come
+in anything short of thy expectation, for I have done what I could.
+Art thou satisfied with her, as she stands? For if not, I must call my
+soul to the assistance of its body.</p>
+
+<p>And I stood, unable to speak or move, gazing at her almost in a swoon
+by reason of the excess of my intoxication; and after a while, I drew
+a very deep sigh. And she came towards me, very slowly, as I stood
+rooted to the ground; and she put up her arms, and laid one hand on
+each shoulder, with a touch like the fall of a flake of snow. And she
+said: I know what is the matter: thou art spellbound by a return of
+thy original delusion. But it will leave thee, and thy senses will
+return to thee, once thou hast said good-bye. And then, seized with
+frenzy, I caught her in my arms, and suddenly she prevented me from
+kissing her by putting her hand over my mouth. And she said with a
+smile: Wait! Am I equal to Chaturik&aacute;, for as it seems, thou hast been
+playing me false? And for all answer, I took her hand, and kissed it,
+and put it round my neck, and then fell to kissing her in madness,
+continuing for I know not how long, bereft of my senses by the perfume
+of her hair and the touch of her arms. And then at last, I took her
+face in my hands. And I said: Away<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span> with Chaturik&aacute;! Thou knowest all,
+and art only jesting: and my soul quivers in my body at the sound of
+thy name. And she laughed, as I kissed her very gently on her two
+eyes, and she said: Perhaps I know: and yet, I will not forgive thee
+for Chaturik&aacute;, but on one condition. And I said: Ask anything thou
+wilt: it matters not. Then she said: Look at me very carefully, and
+think ere thou speakest: and tell me, exactly what it is, in me, that
+chains thee so to me, which Chaturik&aacute; and others are without.</p>
+
+<p>And I said: Stand still, and let me look at thee, and think. And I put
+her away, and stood back, examining her very carefully just as she had
+wished, walking round and round her, and saying to myself: It is
+absolutely useless, for I know what to say without any need of
+looking, and yet I do not know if I can ever bring myself to stop,
+since she has given me, as if on purpose to delight me, a task more
+delicious than I ever had to do before. And all the time she stood
+absolutely still, patiently waiting till I ended, and looking at me
+every time I came round, with raised eyebrows and a smile. And at
+last, I could not endure it any longer, and I said: Ah! come back into
+my arms, which hunger for thee, and I will answer. And instantly, she
+came and stood, listening attentively, and caressing my ear unawares,
+as she listened, with her hand. And I said: Thy question is
+unanswerable, and my examination nothing to the purpose: since where
+was the use of looking at thy lovely body to find what is only to be
+found in thy soul,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span> to which thy body owes the essence of even its own
+intoxication? For thy soul peeps out, from behind it, in the poise of
+thy head, and the straight erectness of its carriage, and the aroma of
+the royalty of sex that oozes, as it were, from its every gesture,
+mixed, in some unintelligible way, with a soft grace that seems to be
+all its own. But the spell thou art asking me to catch for thee looks
+from thy eyes, and lurks in thy lips, and murmurs in thy marvellous
+voice, which was silent all the while I was considering: and it is,
+some naive and submissive gentleness in the quality of thy soul, which
+turns all thy other perfections into instruments of delirium, and yet
+notwithstanding contradicts them all. For any other woman but thyself
+possessing even one of them would be proud, whereas thou dost not even
+seem to be aware that there is anything about thee other than the
+common. And as it seems to me, it is this, which is the core of thy
+irresistible fascination, giving to all thy particular elements of
+loveliness a kind of salt, that mixes with their sweetness to drive me
+mad.</p>
+
+<p>And she looked at me silently with meditative eyes; and after a while
+she said slowly: I wish I were a man, only for a moment, to judge of
+myself and thy answer: for in one way thou art right, since I cannot
+understand why all men seem to lose their reason, as soon as they see
+me. And I said: There it is again, the very thing I spoke of, in thy
+words: and it is so simple, and yet so indescribably delicious, that
+very glad indeed I am that thou art not a man, but a woman, and that
+it is I that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span> am the man. And it would be a crime in the Creator to
+gratify thy wish by making thee a man, who art the very essence of all
+womanly perfection and attraction. And for satisfaction of thy wish,
+look at thyself through my eyes, and thy wish is attained, since I am
+myself the very mirror provided thee by the Creator for that very
+purpose. And so learn, by my mouth, that thy spell is something in
+thee that resembles the peace of a forest pool. And even to-night, all
+the while we have been together, thou hast been, and art, so curiously
+quiet, like the breast of a swan, bathing in the water of passion and
+emotion without even getting wet, and like the snow of Kail&agrave;s, never
+melting even in the sun of noon.</p>
+
+<p>And again she looked at me with curiosity: and she sighed, as if to
+dismiss what she could not comprehend. And she said: See! the moon has
+climbed high, and is gazing on the lotuses, and I am tired of
+standing, and the time has come to give thee thy surprise. And she
+drew me away by the hand along the terrace, and down its marble steps,
+till we came to a great tree that hung down over the water like an
+umbrella, leaning from the bank of the pool, so that nothing could be
+seen through its wall. And she took me and turned me with my face to
+the water, and she said: Stand here absolutely still, and do not look
+round, and I will bring thee thy surprise. And then she went quickly
+into the trees.</p>
+
+<p>And I stood waiting, exactly as I was told, listening to her steps as
+she went away, and wondering where she was going, and what she was
+meditating, and what the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span> surprise was, when it came. And so as I
+stood, I said to myself: Can I really be awake, or is it all only a
+long dream? For I seem to have been dreaming ever since I saw her
+first. And time slipped away, and still I stood, straining my ears for
+the sound of her steps returning, and dying to look round, but never
+looking, and haunted by a feeling that was almost terror, saying to
+myself: Why is she away so long, and what if she never returns at all?</p>
+
+<p>And so as I stood, with my soul in my ears, turned as it were behind
+me, suddenly there came round the tree upon the water a great boat of
+the colour of a lotus leaf, turned up at each end like the neck of a
+swan. And it came straight towards me, and as it reached me, its
+boatman stood up, looking at me with a smile.</p>
+
+<p>And I started, and all at once I laughed aloud, for amazement and
+delight: and even so, I hardly knew her to be herself. For she had
+cast away all her deity, and turned herself into a <i>chet&iacute;</i>, resembling
+a fragrant essence of midnight without a moon, clothed with absolute
+simplicity in soft dead black, with her own dark hair for her only
+decoration, tied in a knot around her head like a cloud of misty
+intoxication, and floating about her shoulders in confusion. And she
+looked at me with questioning eyes that shone bright in the moon's
+rays, and said naively, with a smile that almost broke my heart in
+two: Now I am within a little of being equal to Chaturik&aacute;? Is the maid
+a substitute for the queen that has disappeared?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And as I gazed at her in rapture without giving any answer, she said
+again: See! now we will float for a little while among the
+moon-lotuses, before we say good-bye. And this is thy surprise. And it
+is a delight that I keep for myself alone, and very few indeed are
+privileged to share it: but to-night, I am the lady of thy dream, and
+I will not do my favours by halves: and so thou shalt be my partner.
+And this is my swan's nest, and my floating cradle, in which I do my
+dreaming: for I can dream dreams as well as thou. And now I am going
+to dream a little, and we will dream together. And come, for the
+lotuses are waiting for us.</p>
+
+<p>And I got into the boat, and pushed it out upon the water, and she
+came to me of her own accord, and locked her arms around my neck. And
+we drifted to and fro, exactly as the boat chose, on the silent black
+mirror of the pool, never saying a single word, but kissing each other
+insatiably with lips that were never tired, lost in the bottomless
+abyss of the ecstasy of mutual union. And all the time she bathed me
+with the beauty of her eyes, that like the pool, drew the moonlight
+down into their dark depths, caressing me with soft hands that touched
+me like the fall of a leaf, and lips that smiled and trembled like the
+shadows of the lotuses in the still water's swirl. And the moon rose
+higher and higher, and the night crept unobserved away, for I was
+utterly unconscious of the passage of any time. And then at last as I
+lay, worn out and overcome by the excess of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span> my own emotion, and
+lulled by the gentle drifting of the boat, and wrapt in the delirium
+of oblivion arising from the unimaginable reality of the lady of my
+dream, unawares I fell asleep.</p>
+
+
+<h3>XVI</h3>
+<p>And when I awoke, lo! the moon was standing on the very edge of the
+western sky, and dawn was glimmering in the east. And the Queen was
+gone! And I leaped out of the boat, which was fastened to the bank,
+and ran up into the garden, which was as dark and as empty of anything
+living as a tomb. And after looking for her a long time in vain, at
+last in despair I went away to the door, and knocked, and it was
+opened; and there stood, not the <i>pratih&aacute;r&iacute;</i>, but Chaturik&aacute;. And I
+said: Chaturik&aacute;, what has become of the Queen? And she said, with
+emphasis: Forget the Queen, and remember thy father: it is time.</p>
+
+<p>And I started, as if she had run a poisoned needle into my ears; for I
+had utterly forgotten all about him. And no sooner had I got out of
+the palace than I ran all the way home through the empty streets. And
+I found my horse waiting, and I sprang on him, just as I was, and I
+went out of Kamalapura, making for the desert as if I were running a
+race with the god of death, to determine which of us should reach my
+father first. And yet as I rode, I was thinking all the time of one
+thing only, to return, quicker even than I went away,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span> and listening
+to my heart that sang without ceasing T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, as if
+keeping time to the rattle of the hoofs of the horse. And after a
+while, I began to say: If I am to return, it will have to be on
+another horse: for whatever else dies, or does not die, this horse
+will die, beyond a doubt, either at the end of his race, or it may be,
+even before.</p>
+
+<p>And it happened as I said. For suddenly the horse fell, to rise no
+more, while yet there was far to go: leaving me alone in the desert,
+with the sun right over my head. And I exclaimed: Alas! out upon fate,
+and out upon my own folly, for now I have killed my horse, that I
+loved better than my own soul! Alas! my horse was like my good
+fortune.<a name="FNanchor_29_29" id="FNanchor_29_29"></a><a href="#Footnote_29_29" class="fnanchor">[29]</a> And if I had only started in the night, he would have had
+an easy journey, going slower in the cool hours. And I have offered my
+horse a sacrifice, and it may be, my kingdom also, to my deity
+T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;. And yet, what does it matter, after all? Is she not worth
+all the horses, and all the kingdoms in the world? Aye! I would give
+them all, for another sunset like last night, with the lady of my
+dream. But what is to be done now? There is absolutely no help for it,
+and I must finish my journey how I can, going slowly on my own feet.</p>
+
+<p>And as I said, so I did: and so it came about, that faint and tired
+and overcome, by hunger and thirst and the long journey and the
+fierceness of the desert sun, I <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span>began to reach my own city only as he
+was going down. And as I slowly drew near it, making all the haste I
+could, suddenly there fell on my ear a sound, coming to me from the
+city, that smote it like a blow. And I stopped short, to listen; and
+all the hair on my body stood erect. And I said slowly to myself: I
+have lost the race, after all, for they are wailing in the city, and
+it can be for one thing only, that it is widowed of its King. Aye! I
+am too late. And I have killed my horse for nothing, since Death has
+arrived before me, after all, having annihilated my competition, by
+taking my horse upon the way. And I have reached my journey's end,
+just in time to hear the wailing, as if Death were jeering at me,
+saying as it were in irony: They must travel very fast who think to
+outstrip me.</p>
+
+<p>And I went on to the palace, never stopping at the gate to ask what I
+already knew. And they ran to warn my mother, and she came out of the
+women's quarters, and stood looking at me grimly, covered as I was
+with dust and perspiration, and almost ready to fall down, for sheer
+fatigue. And then she said: Fool! thou art too late, and thy brother
+has the throne. And now thou art little better than an outcast, and
+hast lost thy father, and thy crown, and me.</p>
+
+<p>And I looked at her, and I said: When did the King die? And she said:
+Sunset.</p>
+
+<p>And I uttered a shout of laughter, and threw my hands into the air,
+and fell at her feet in a swoon.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h3>XVII</h3>
+<p>And when I had recovered, in a day or two, I came, so to say, to terms
+with my loss and my condition: saying to myself: After all, my father
+had to die, whether I came to him in time, or not: and I could not
+have saved his life, by my coming, no matter when I came. And so, the
+only thing I lost, by coming late, is my <i>r&aacute;j</i>. But what do I care for
+any <i>r&aacute;j</i>, which, in comparison with T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, resembles a mere pinch
+of dust, thrown into the other scale? Away with the miserable <i>r&aacute;j</i>!
+as if another sunset with the Queen would not be cheaply purchased at
+the price of all the kingdoms in the world! And I passed my days of
+absence in doing absolutely nothing but thinking of T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, and
+waiting, with a soul almost unable to endure, till the moment of
+return. And I sent a secret messenger to Kamalapura, saying to him: Go
+to the palace gate, and ask the <i>pratih&aacute;r&iacute;</i> for a <i>chet&iacute;</i> called
+Chaturik&aacute;. And when she comes, tell her by word of mouth, so that
+nobody may hear thee but herself: Greetings to the Queen from
+Shatrunjaya, who has lost his throne on her account, and does not
+care. And when the obsequies are over, he will return to Kamalapura,
+on the night before the moon is full.</p>
+
+<p>And having sent him off, I waited, while the obsequies went slowly on,
+with a soul that almost parted from its body with impatience for an
+answer to my message that might help me to keep alive, saying to
+myself: She cannot send Chaturik&aacute;, as she did before, since it is too
+far<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span> off for anything but a letter or a message, which will have to do
+instead. But neither a letter nor a message ever came: though in the
+meanwhile, my messenger returned with empty hands. And I tortured him
+with questions, but all he had to say was that Chaturik&aacute; had listened,
+and bidden him to go away. And notwithstanding my bitter
+disappointment, I racked my brain to find excuses for them both,
+saying: I am a fool. How could I expect any reply, since after all I
+never put a question, and silence was the only answer to be given: and
+beyond all doubt, she is waiting till I come? And is it likely that
+she would trust a message to a man she did not know? She is keeping
+her answer to be sent in the form of a summons on the eve of the full
+moon, which was the only answer I was asking for. And yet, in spite of
+all that I could think of to cool the fever that burned in my heart, I
+chafed and pined, sick with anxiety and disappointment, and longing in
+vain for the thing that never came. And I said sadly to myself: Well,
+only too well, she knew, that the very shadow of a sign of any kind,
+from her, would have set my heart dancing like a peacock at the first
+symptom of the coming of the rain. Or can it be, after all, that she
+really did send an answer, which has somehow or other lost its way?
+Aye! no doubt, it must be so, for she is kind, and could not bear to
+think of the misery she knew I must be suffering every moment that I
+am not by her side.</p>
+
+<p>And so, perforce, I waited, gnawing at my own heart,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span> until at last
+the funeral ceremonies were over. And instantly, I took leave of my
+mother, and turned my back on my relations, and set off at a gallop
+for Kamalapura, with my heart singing for delight, like an arrow from
+a bow.</p>
+
+
+<h3>XVIII</h3>
+<p>And I reached it, exactly as I said, on the eve of the full moon. And
+I said to myself, with exultation: Ha! to-morrow night, it will be
+full, and red, and round, exactly as it was a month ago, and shining
+as it did before, upon the boat, and T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, and me. And at the
+thought, I laughed aloud, for sheer joy, and came to my own door, and
+went in. And lo! the very first thing that I saw, when I entered, was
+my lute, lying on the floor with a broken string, and looking at me,
+as it were, with reproach. For a ray of moonlight fell exactly on it
+as it lay, as though to say: See! the moonlight falls not alone on
+happy lovers, but on those that are deserted! And my heart smote me,
+as I looked at it, and I exclaimed: Alas! my old love, thou art indeed
+discarded for another; for I have not given thee a single thought,
+ever since I saw her first. Bitter indeed must be the sorrow of one
+that is cast, like thyself, aside! And then, I threw myself upon my
+bed, forgetting instantly my lute and every other thing in the delight
+of the anticipation of the coming day. And I slept all night, floating
+as it were on a dark wave of the ocean of sweet expectation, and
+smiling so to say in my sleep.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And when morning came, I arose, and went to and fro, singing aloud for
+joy, and saying to myself: Now the moment of reunion approaches, and
+the miserable fever of separation is nearing its end, for the sun has
+arisen and is rushing to his home in the western mountain, and his
+race, and my desolation, will finish exactly together. And now,
+Chaturik&aacute; is on her way, and will soon be here, looking like the dawn
+of my delight in a delicious feminine form. And she will look at me
+with her laughing eyes, and murmur, Sunset, exactly as before: and
+exactly as before, I shall kiss her, and send her back to the Queen.
+And so I waited eagerly, on the very tiptoe of expectation, with my
+eyes fixed upon the door. But day slowly travelled on, and yet she
+never came. And little by little, my delight slowly turned into
+perplexity, and anxiety, till at last, as hour succeeded hour, each
+longer than a <i>yuga</i>, my heart began to sink, lower and lower still,
+and I became actually sick with the agony of my disappointment. For
+the sun was indeed rushing down into the night, and yet she never
+came. And time after time, I went to the door, and opened it, and
+looked out, but no Chaturik&aacute; was there, and nothing was to be seen but
+the people in the street.</p>
+
+<p>And when at last night actually fell, and found me still waiting, I
+could endure no longer, but I threw myself upon my bed, and lay in a
+stupor in the dark, abandoning all hope, and on the very verge of
+crying like a child. And I said to myself: Is she ill, or is she dead,
+or has she gone away, or what on earth can be the matter? Or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span> can it
+be, after all, that my messenger played me false, and never went? For
+if she really got my message, long ago she would surely have sent
+Chaturik&aacute; to summon me, knowing that it was impossible for me to come
+of my own accord, and that I should be sitting waiting with my heart
+on fire for her summons to arrive. And so I lay, tossing all night
+long sleepless on my bed, and cursing the moon, which poured as if to
+mock me a silver flood of light upon the floor, seeming to say: Think
+what a night it must be in the garden! until in an agony of
+reminiscence and humiliation, I turned my back to it, and lay with my
+face to the wall. And when at last day returned, I arose and sat, in
+deep dejection, worn out, and at my wits' very end, never even daring
+to look towards the door, which remained obstinately shut. And all day
+long I sat still in a kind of dream, neither eating nor drinking, and
+hopelessly waiting still. And at last once more the sun went down,
+after a day that was longer than a year, leaving me lying in the dark.</p>
+
+<p>And I know not how I got through the night, which I shudder even to
+remember; but when morning came, I was within a very little of being
+mad. And burning with fever, hot and cold by turns, for sheer
+impotence I got up and went out, and wandered up and down the streets,
+till at last for weariness I was obliged to return, though the thought
+of my deserted house was almost more horrible than death. And all at
+once, I looked up, and lo! there was Chaturik&aacute; herself, coming towards
+me in the street.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h3>XIX</h3>
+<p>And at the sight of her, my heart leaped into my mouth, for she
+resembled the very last link that joined me to the Queen, in a
+feminine form. But at the very moment that I saw her, she saw me also;
+and she turned away, pretending not to see me, and went round the
+corner into another street. And instantly, I leaped after her like a
+deer, and caught her, almost running to escape me. And then, seeing
+that there was absolutely no help for it, she stopped, and stood
+looking at me with defiance, like an animal at bay.</p>
+
+<p>And presently I said: Dost thou not know me, that thou runnest so fast
+to get away? And she said: I never saw thee: I was only in a hurry.
+And I said: Now, from bad, it is worse; thou art lying. And why,
+instead of running away, art thou not rather hastening to meet me?
+Hast thou no message for me from the Queen? And she said: No: none.
+And I exclaimed: What! none? Did not my message come to thee? And she
+said, reluctantly: It came. Then I said: Then the Queen must know that
+I am here. And why has she never sent? And Chaturik&aacute; said: Is it for
+me to give orders to the Queen? How can I know why she does not want
+thy presence? If she did, she would send. I am not the mistress, but
+only the maid: is Chaturik&aacute; the equal of T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;?</p>
+
+<p>And as she spoke, the tears rose into my eyes, for I remembered the
+words of T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, as she stood up in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span> the boat. And I took her by the
+hand, and looked into her eyes. And I said slowly: Thou knowest only
+too well, for if thou art not her equal, thou art at least her
+familiar. And now, then, cheat me not: since the matter is to me one
+of life or death. Am I thy enemy, or art thou mine? Was it not only
+the other day that thou didst kiss me of thy own accord, as I have
+sat, these last two days, hoping against hope for thee to come and do
+again? And what have I done, to bring about such change? I liked thee
+better, far better, laughing: thou wert so joyous, and so pretty, and
+like the ecstasy in my own heart, in a woman's form. Aye! as I looked
+at thee, it made my heart echo, to hear thee laugh, since we were both
+of us devotees of one and the same deity, T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, thy Queen and
+mine. And now, something has come about, I know not how, to spoil it
+all.</p>
+
+<p>And as I spoke, all unconsciously I gripped the hand that I held of
+hers in mine, and it may be, that my hand whispered to her own what my
+voice alone strove in vain to say. For as I gazed at her in anguish,
+with tears in my eyes, strange! all at once I saw her face change, and
+her lip quiver, and tears stealing, as if against her will, into her
+eyes too. And she tried to laugh, without succeeding: and all at once,
+she squeezed my hand that held her own, with force. And she said, in a
+voice that trembled as it spoke, half laughing and half weeping:
+Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she turns away. And
+suddenly she snatched her hand away from mine, and turned as if to
+go.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And I took her by the shoulder as she stood with her face averted, and
+I said: See, Chaturik&aacute;, my life is in thy hands. Come, do me this last
+favour, and I will never trouble thee any more. Wilt thou go straight
+to the Queen, and say I met thee in the street, and somehow or other,
+by hook or crook, contrive, that she shall send for me again, and very
+soon, for otherwise I cannot live much longer? Wilt thou? Wilt thou?
+And she hung her head, and said in a voice so low that I could hardly
+hear it: I will try. And I said: Go then, for I will delay thee no
+longer. And yet, listen! Come to me often, as thou art passing by, for
+the very sight of thee is life.</p>
+
+<p>And without speaking, she rolled her head up in her veil, and went
+away very quickly. And I stood, looking after her as she went: saying
+to myself: There goes my last hope. And lucky for me it was that I
+caught her: for without her, I would by this have driven my own sword
+home into my heart.</p>
+
+
+<h3>XX</h3>
+<p>And I went home feeling like a man saved from the very mouth of death,
+saying to myself: Now then, happen what will! for at least I have
+secured the key of the door leading to T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, in the form of her
+maid. And now, it may be, I shall see her very soon. For beyond a
+doubt, there has been some blunder, or perhaps she was occupied with
+business of moment, that left her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span> no leisure for affairs like mine.
+And all my fears may have been in vain. And at least, I can wait with
+hope, and not as I did before, in horrible despair, cut off from every
+means of communication. And I sat with a heart almost at peace,
+prepared to wait till the coming of Chaturik&aacute; on the following day.
+But it turned out contrary to my expectation. For I had been waiting
+for little more than a single hour, when there came a knock at the
+door. And when I opened, there stood Chaturik&aacute; again. And she said
+rapidly: The Queen will await thee in the garden to-night at sunset.</p>
+
+<p>And I exclaimed, with a shout of joy: Ha! sunset! It is as I thought.
+Well I knew there was some mistake, and that she could not fail. And
+beyond a doubt, she had forgotten the time, remembering only when
+reminded by thee. Victory to thee, O Chaturik&aacute;! for to thee alone I
+owe the sunset, and now I will give thee for it almost anything thou
+canst ask. And Chaturik&aacute; said: Give me nothing. And she stood in
+silence, looking at me with strange eyes, in which, as it seemed, pity
+and curiosity seemed to be mingled with compunction and some element
+that I could not understand. And suddenly she came to me, and laid her
+hand upon my arm. And she whispered very quickly, as if she was half
+afraid of what she said: Do not go. And then, she turned and vanished
+from the room, as if to escape before I had time to ask for
+explanation.</p>
+
+<p>And I said to myself, looking after her in wonder: What! do not go? So
+then, as it seems, there will be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span> danger. But little does she know me,
+if she thinks that any danger would keep me from the Queen. And
+indeed, in the garden there is room for any number of assassins, if
+Narasinha or anybody else were jealous of my visiting T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;.
+Danger! And I laughed in derision, that was mixed with intoxication,
+as if the very notion of danger from a rival added, somehow or other,
+to the sweetness of anticipation, by stamping me as a claimant to the
+affection of T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; who was greatly to be feared. And all at once,
+light broke in, as it were, upon my soul. And I cried out in ecstasy:
+Danger! Ha! at last, all the mystery is solved. It was danger that
+prevented my T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; from sending me any message or bidding me to
+come. And all the while she knew it, and she had to be very careful,
+fearing for my life. And suddenly, I struck my hands together, and I
+cried: Ha! what a fool I am! Why, she told me so herself, when I saw
+her for the second time, and yet I had forgotten it. And all this
+while, in the peevishness of my own oblivion and presumption, I have
+been blaming her, expecting things utterly unreasonable, and loading
+her extraordinary sweetness with miserable suspicions arising from my
+own imagination, and the blindness of my insatiable passion. Ah!
+T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, forgive me if I wronged thee! But I will make it up to thee
+to-night, and beg for thy divine forgiveness at thy feet. And all this
+hesitation was all the while only on my account: and yet, brute that I
+was! I never guessed it, till Chaturik&aacute; gave me, as it were, a hint,
+and put me<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span> upon the scent. And what else was her delay but an
+irrefutable proof of her affection, showing that she chose even to
+allow herself to be misinterpreted rather than let me run on her
+account into the danger that she knew.</p>
+
+<p>And instantly, all the clouds of darkness and desolation rolled away
+in a body from my soul, leaving it bathing in the ruddy glow of
+sunset, and passion, and emotion, exactly as it was before. And I
+waited, plunged in the ecstasy of reminiscence and anticipation, till
+at last the sun began to sink. And then, once more I went, on feet
+dancing with agitation and delight, to the palace gates, and saw the
+<i>pratih&aacute;r&iacute;</i> standing waiting as before. And as I entered, never
+doubting that she had instructions of my coming, she barred the way,
+saying: What is thy business? And I said: I have come by appointment
+to see the Queen. Then said the <i>pratih&aacute;r&iacute;</i>: Thou must come another
+time, for the Queen is not here.</p>
+
+<p>And I stopped short, as if she had suddenly run a dagger into my
+heart. And I said in a low voice: Not here? It cannot be. Thou art
+mistaken. And the <i>pratih&aacute;r&iacute;</i> said: There is no mistake at all. She is
+gone. And I said: Gone? Where? When? And she said: She went within
+this hour, to visit her maternal uncle; for want, as I think, of
+something better to do. And when she will return, I cannot say.</p>
+
+<p>And then, my heart stopped. And I stood for a single instant, erect,
+and I turned, as if to go away. And all at once, there came from the
+very middle of my<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span> heart, a cry, that tore me as it were to pieces,
+and I fell in the street like a dead man.</p>
+
+
+<h3>XXI</h3>
+<p>And when I came back to myself, I looked, and saw an old man with a
+long white beard gazing at me with anxiety, sitting by my bed in which
+I was lying, having been brought home I know not how as I lay in a
+swoon. And when he saw me look at him, he began to rub his hands
+together, with a little laugh. And he said: Ha! then, as it seems,
+after all, thy soul has returned at last: and it was time. For it had
+been away so long that I was beginning to doubt whether it had not
+said good-bye to thy body, for good and all. And now it has come back
+after all, by the favour of Ganapati, and the help of the Ayurweda,
+and one of Dhanwantari's<a name="FNanchor_30_30" id="FNanchor_30_30"></a><a href="#Footnote_30_30" class="fnanchor">[30]</a> most unworthy devotees. And I said
+slowly: How long have I been dead? Then said that old physician: It is
+now nearly sunset again, and thou hast lain there without moving ever
+since they brought thee here from the street, about the time of
+sunset, yesterday. And now what is it, that has struck thee down, as
+if by a thunderbolt? For how can the physician cure, unless the
+patient tells him of his case?</p>
+
+<p>And I closed my eyes for a while, as if to rest: and after a while I
+said: O father, there is nothing to tell, to one of thy experience and
+skill: for since childhood, it <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span>happens to me, every now and then, to
+fall down and lie in a trance: and when once I come back, all is over,
+and I go on as before, till next time. And now there is nothing to be
+done, but for me to reward thee for thy care, to which I owe my life.
+And though it is a thing of little or no worth, I will count it, for
+thy sake, as if it were a thing of price. And I gave that old man
+gold, and sent him away delighted, for all I wanted was to be rid of
+him as quickly as I could, lest I should fall into a fever and begin
+to rave, and betray my secret against my will.</p>
+
+<p>And then, for many days, I lay, living very slowly, like one in a long
+dream, drinking water, and eating almost nothing, and going over in my
+mind every detail of my life since first I saw the Queen. And it
+seemed to me, as I mused, as if I had died long ago; and everything
+appeared to me like something that had happened long ago, to some
+other than myself. And day very slowly followed day, and life came
+back to me as it were with hesitating steps, as though it knew that it
+was coming to one that scarcely cared to bid it welcome. And then at
+last there came a day when I looked about with curiosity to see what
+might be seen, and lo! there in a corner lay my lute upon the floor.</p>
+
+<p>So, after a while, I said: Lute, canst thou tell me, how it feels to
+be discarded? And I went and took it up, and strung it, and began to
+play. And as fate would have it, there came over the strings as I
+touched them a sadness like my own, that seemed to say: Come, we are<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span>
+fellow-sufferers, and now let us weep together, since there is
+absolutely nothing else to do. And suddenly, the lute fell from my
+hands of its own accord, and I fell with it upon the floor. And I
+wept, as if my very soul was about to abandon my body, for sheer
+despair. And as I wept, I came slowly back to the self I was before;
+yet so, that the half of me was left behind, and lost for ever. And I
+said to myself: I have been robbed by T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; of all that was worth
+anything in my soul, and it only remains to consider, what is the next
+thing to be done.</p>
+
+<p>And that very evening, I went out of my house for the first time since
+I fell down. And avoiding the streets, I wandered along by bypaths,
+till I reached the river bank. And I hid myself in the bushes, and lay
+watching the sun go down across the river, and thinking of T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;
+and her pool, till unawares I went to sleep. And how long I slept I
+know not, but I woke suddenly in the night, roused by the voices of
+two that were talking close beside me, not knowing there was anyone
+by, to overhear. And as I listened carelessly without curiosity, all
+at once there fell on my ear the name of Narasinha.</p>
+
+<p>And instantly, I crawled, like a panther, little by little, nearer to
+those two talkers, until I could easily hear everything they said. And
+one was saying to the other: It will be very easy, and the reward is
+very large. Then the other said: But why does Narasinha want to have
+him slain at all? And the first voice answered: What a question!
+Anyone can see that thou art a stranger to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span> this city. Dost thou not
+know that he is the lover of the Queen, aye! and so, that she is more
+than his life? And yet, for all that, he cannot keep her to himself,
+since she is not only a Queen, and above all his controlling, but also
+a lady of many lovers, roaming like a bee, from flower to flower, as
+she will, and yet leaving each in the lurch almost as soon as it is
+tasted, being as unsteady as the flame of a lamp in the wind, and as
+deep and as crooked as a river, amusing herself as if she were a
+female <i>trinamani</i><a name="FNanchor_31_31" id="FNanchor_31_31"></a><a href="#Footnote_31_31" class="fnanchor">[31]</a> by watching the irresistible effect of her own
+attraction on the straws that she finds and throws away, as soon as
+she has tested them, regardless of what afterwards becomes of them,
+since they are then absolutely useless, resembling mere husks, whose
+kernel she has eaten. And if he could bear to do without her,
+Narasinha would slay her out of jealousy with his own hands: but as it
+is, he cannot, however much she laughs in his face. And so he repays
+himself by wreaking his vengeance on her lovers, in lieu of herself:
+and one by one, they all pay the penalty of their presumption, in
+having anything to do with her, with their lives: giving him hard work
+to do, since she finds and casts off a new lover almost every day. And
+of all, the only one that has escaped is Shatrunjaya, the mad player,
+who lost his reason altogether when he found himself cast adrift
+without knowing why: and was accordingly passed over by Narasinha, as
+not even needing to be <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span>killed, since he was as good as dead already,
+and beyond the reach of revenge.</p>
+
+<p>And the second voice said: What a fool must this Shatrunjaya have
+been, to go mad, over such an <i>abhisarik&aacute;</i> as this Queen! Then said
+the first with emphasis: Thou art thyself the fool, speaking at random
+without ever having seen her: for she is a very Shr&iacute;, laughing all the
+other women to utter scorn; and small wonder that he fell a victim to
+such a spell, being as he is very young. And moreover, she is the
+cleverest woman in the three worlds, and easily persuades every lover
+that she is doing as he wishes to oblige him, and not as is really the
+case making him a puppet of her own. And not one of them all ever even
+knows of the existence of any other lover than himself. And
+Shatrunjaya is all the more to be excused, because she really took a
+momentary fancy to him, and cloyed him for a day or two with nectar
+that soon turned poison, as Chaturik&aacute; says.</p>
+
+<p>And the second voice said: Who is Chaturik&aacute;? And the first replied:
+She is the niece of my cousin on the mother's side, and she tells me
+all. And T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; took her for a confidential <i>chet&iacute;</i> on account of
+her cleverness and beauty: as well she might, since the little jade is
+very pretty, and clever enough to be prime minister to any king. And
+between the two of them, who are more than a match for any man that
+ever lived, Shatrunjaya had no chance at all. Little did he know
+T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, thinking to keep her beauty to himself, or confine the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span>
+ocean of her charms to a tank! Poor fool! what a trick they played
+him! For Chaturik&aacute; says, that T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; gave another lover the very
+<i>rendezvous</i> she fixed for him, bidding her <i>pratih&aacute;r&iacute;</i> say she was
+gone. Well he might go mad, for as I think, any other man might lose
+his reason, to be kept standing outside the door, while his mistress
+was kissing another man!</p>
+
+<p>And he laughed out loud, as he ended: but I rose up from the ground,
+drawing my <i>katt&aacute;r&iacute;</i> from its sheath. And I leaped out of the bushes
+suddenly upon those two laughers, who took me for a ghost in the form
+of the god of death. And I struck at one with the knife, and as luck
+would have it, I all but severed his head from his body at a single
+sweep. And I turned upon the other as he stood terror-stricken,
+staring at me with open mouth, and I said: Thy jest was very good, but
+mine is better still. I am Shatrunjaya, and not mad after all: but
+thou shalt not tell my secret to Narasinha; whom I will send after
+thee in good time. And I struck the knife into his eye, so hard, that
+I could scarcely pull it out again by putting my foot upon his head.</p>
+
+<p>And I left them lying, and went home quickly, laughing to myself, and
+saying: Now they are paid beforehand, with their work still to do, in
+coin very different from that of Narasinha. And his own turn will
+come, by and by. And I wonder whose life I have saved, for I never
+caught his name. But no matter: I have learned, what is left for me to
+do: and it only remains to determine on the way. Alas! Narasinha, thy<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span>
+star is beginning to decline. Thou hast just lost thy assassins, and
+presently I will deprive thee of T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, and last, I will rob thee
+of thy life.</p>
+
+
+<h3>XXII</h3>
+<p>And then, day by day, I rose early in the morning, and ate the
+breakfast of a bull-elephant, and went out into the streets, hunting,
+not for a forest beast, but for a human quarry. And I roamed up and
+down through the city all day long, examining everything I met that
+had the shape of a woman with the eye of a hunting leopard. And so I
+continued, day after day, without success. And then at last, on the
+night of the Dip&aacute;wali, when the streets were full of people, suddenly
+I saw her coming straight towards me. But she never saw me, by reason
+of the crowd: and the prey is not thinking of the hunter, when the
+hunter is thinking of the prey. And I hid myself in a doorway, and let
+her pass by; and I followed her with stealthy steps until at last she
+turned away into a narrow lane that resembled the jaws of death. And I
+caught her up with silent tread, and all at once I took her by the
+wrist as she went, with a grip like an iron band.</p>
+
+<p>And she turned and saw me, and she started, and uttered a faint cry.
+And instantly I said: Cry out, even once, and I will sever thy head
+from its body. Make absolutely no noise, and I will do thee absolutely
+no harm. But come with me, for I need thee for a little<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span> while. I have
+been at pains to find thee, and now I will not let thee go. But unless
+thou dost exactly as I tell thee, I will treat thee as I did thy
+accomplice on the river bank, a little while ago. And she turned a
+little paler as she listened, understanding that I did not speak in
+jest. And I said: Go on before me, in silence, to my house, for well
+thou art acquainted with the way. And I will follow, just behind, and
+if thou makest, as thou goest, so much as a sign, thy head will roll
+from its shoulders on the instant. And she bowed her head, and went.
+And when we reached the door, I opened it and we went in. And I shut
+the door, and there was no other light than the moonlight, which fell
+in a flood upon the floor. And I said: Sit there in the moonlight, for
+I have something to say to thee. And she sat upon the floor, watching
+me with fascination like a bird before a snake.</p>
+
+<p>And I walked to and fro before her, and suddenly I stopped, and I
+said: Tell me, O Chaturik&aacute;, what would the Queen say, if I told her of
+thy habit of babbling to thy relations of her secrets? And for answer,
+Chaturik&aacute; began to sob, grovelling upon the floor at my feet. And I
+said: Sit still, thou little fool, and listen: for thou shalt earn my
+forgiveness by doing as I bid thee: and if not, I will save the Queen
+trouble by becoming thy executioner myself. To-morrow night, I must
+see her in the garden as before: and it can only be by thy
+contrivance. And now, how is it to be done?</p>
+
+<p>And Chaturik&aacute; said, weeping: To-morrow night it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span> cannot be, since she
+has given that evening to another. And moreover, for thee every night
+is equally impossible, for she will not see thee any more. And how
+canst thou pass the <i>pratih&aacute;r&iacute;</i>, or enter by the door, without her
+permission? And now between the Queen and thee, I am in the jaws of
+death. For thou wilt slay me, if I do not find thee entrance into the
+garden: and she will, if I do.</p>
+
+<p>And I looked at her with scrutiny and I said: I will help thee out of
+jeopardy. There must be another entrance to the garden. Is there no
+other door? And she said unwillingly: There is, but none can enter
+from without, unless he has the key, which the Queen trusts to no
+custody but her own.</p>
+
+<p>And I said: Then the way is found, luckily for thee: and thou art
+saved, since none will ever guess thy part in the arranging for my
+entry, if as I imagine thou art only sufficiently adroit to procure
+for me a key without her knowledge. And that I leave to thee, only be
+careful to bring it in good time, before to-morrow evening. And in the
+meanwhile, go and tell that other lover that the Queen has changed her
+mind: and put him off to any other day, it does not matter which,
+seeing that it will never come at all: since for the future, I am
+going to be the only lover of the Queen.</p>
+
+<p>And then, Chaturik&aacute; looked at me in such amazement that it deprived
+her for an instant of her terror, and suddenly she began to laugh. And
+I stooped and lifted her, and whirled her in the air, and stood her
+breathless<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span> on her feet. And I took her two hands and held them tight,
+and I said: Dost thou feel what thou art in hands like mine, a
+feather, and a nothing, and a straw? Now listen and be wise. Stand out
+of the way, between the Queen and me, for we shall crush thee, and the
+battle is one that I mean to win. And now I am going to show her
+something that she never saw before, the strength of a man: for a
+woman presumes, forgetting altogether that she owes all to the
+forbearance of one who can sweep her away if he chooses, like a wild
+elephant snapping a twig. And if anything goes amiss by any treachery
+of thine, I will break thee in pieces with my bare hands, hide where
+thou wilt, making it unnecessary even to betray thee to the Queen. And
+now, what have I ordered thee to do?</p>
+
+<p>And Chaturik&aacute; said humbly, quivering like a wild heifer that is
+suddenly tamed by the sound of a tiger's roar: To put off a lover and
+bring thee a key.</p>
+
+<p>And I said: Thou hast still forgotten the thing without which both are
+useless, and that is, to show me the outside of the door to be opened
+by the key. And that thou shalt do at once. Go out now, and walk
+without stopping straight to the door: and I will follow in thy steps.
+And do not look back, until thou art standing just beside it, and then
+turn for a single instant, and meet my eye without a sign. And then
+begone where thou wilt until to-morrow.</p>
+
+<p>And I opened the door and let her out, and she went away very quickly,
+leading me through the city and past<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span> the palace gates, and a long way
+round the palace wall, until at last she suddenly came to a dead stop,
+beside a little door in the wall, that stood exactly opposite a ruined
+temple of the great god. And there she turned and looked at me, and
+then continued on her way until she disappeared. And I stood and
+watched her go, saying to myself: I think she will bring me the key
+to-morrow, without dreaming of betraying me: for I scared her almost
+to death, and she is frightened. And I was very sorry for her, and yet
+it was the only thing to do, for there was no other means of reducing
+her to absolute submission. And yet she was beautiful to look at, even
+so, resembling as she did a feminine incarnation of audacity suddenly
+changed into unconditional obedience by standing between two appalling
+dangers, and only doubting which was the most to be feared. And very
+strange is the difference fixed by the Creator between a woman and a
+man: since the very timidity that makes him utterly contemptible only
+makes her even more beautifully delicious than she was before.</p>
+
+
+<h3>XXIII</h3>
+<p>And next day, I waited all the morning for Chaturik&aacute; to come, and noon
+arrived without her coming. And I said to myself as I sat waiting: She
+will come by and by, and I cannot expect her very early, for she may
+have many other things to do as well as mine. And it may be no easy
+task that I have given her to do. And<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span> now, what am I to say to
+T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, when I come upon her in the garden, and see her, O ecstasy!
+again? And strange! at the very thought of seeing her again, my heart
+began to burn, as if turning traitor to my own determination. And I
+said sadly to myself: Alas! I am afraid, or rather I am sure, that the
+very sight of her will be like a flood, in which every fragment of my
+resentment against her for treating me as she has done, and every atom
+of my resolution, and every recollection of all that I have heard to
+her discredit, will be swept away like chips and straws. Do what she
+may, I cannot drive my affection for her out of my heart, which
+obstinately clings to her image, utterly refusing to be torn away. And
+notwithstanding all that those two rascals said in her disparagement,
+my soul laughs them to utter scorn, telling them they lie. And who
+knows? For who could believe that a body so unutterably lovely could
+harbour a soul so unutterably base as they said, on evidence such as
+theirs? Aye! my recollection of her soul is an argument in her favour
+that nothing that they said can overcome, and I could forgive her
+absolutely anything, when I think of the gentle sweetness that echoed
+in her every word, resembling a perfume somehow mixed with her voice.
+And yet if my resolution wavers, even now, how will it be when she
+actually stands before me as she will to-night? And yet, how is it
+possible to absolve her for her inexplicable behaviour to me?</p>
+
+<p>And so as I mused, touching all unconsciously the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span> strings of my lute
+which was lying in my hands suddenly a thought came into my mind of
+its own accord. And I took the lute and unstrung it, and chose from
+among its strings one, which I rolled like a bangle on my wrist. And I
+said to the lute aloud: Old love, we will work together: for if indeed
+she is my enemy, she is thine as well. And if, as those assassins
+said, she is only a body without a soul, playing on us both merely for
+her own amusement, then we will give her together a music lesson of a
+novel kind, and teach her that the deadliest of all poisons is a love
+that has been betrayed.</p>
+
+<p>And suddenly I heard loud laughter, like an echo to my words. And I
+looked up, and lo! there was Harid&aacute;sa, standing in the open door. And
+he said: What is this, O Shatrunjaya? Whom art thou about to poison,
+or who is going to poison thee? And hast thou solved thy problem,
+since I saw thee from the camel's back, pondering on thy own beauty?
+Or hast thou arrived already at the poison in the bottom of love's
+cup? How is good advice thrown away upon a fool! Did I not warn thee?
+Wilt thou never understand that the nectar of a woman is like the red
+of dusk, lasting for but an instant, and like the cream of milk,
+turning sour if it is kept, and like foam of the sea, which exists
+only during agitation, melting away into bitterness and ordinary water
+as soon as it is still? As indeed every woman well knows, without
+needing to be told, and therefore it is that she is nectar always to a
+stranger, and insipid, even when she is not very disagreeable, to her
+friends,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span> losing her fascination, like the thirst of the antelope<a name="FNanchor_32_32" id="FNanchor_32_32"></a><a href="#Footnote_32_32" class="fnanchor">[32]</a>
+on Marusthal&iacute;, for all that approach her too near: since all her
+delusion depends upon her distance, and vanishes altogether by
+proximity. Keep her always at a distance, O Shatrunjaya, if thou art
+anxious to remain under the spell.</p>
+
+<p>And I said: Harid&aacute;sa, I am only a fool, as thou sayest, but thou art
+wise. And now, wilt thou serve me at a pinch, by something more than
+good advice? And he said: By what? Then I said: To-night, I have
+business that I cannot avoid, and yet I cannot go out, unless I can
+find one whom I can absolutely trust to remain here till morning in my
+place, to guard a deposit. And so, wilt thou be my guard? And Harid&aacute;sa
+said: I cannot refuse, if thy need be extreme. For men to be
+absolutely trusted are very rare, and I am one. And is thy deposit
+large? And I laughed, and I said: Nay, on the contrary, it is very
+small. And it will be here in another moment, for I have been waiting
+for it all day long. And as I spoke, lo! Chaturik&aacute; appeared in the
+door, as if by a toss of the curtain,<a name="FNanchor_33_33" id="FNanchor_33_33"></a><a href="#Footnote_33_33" class="fnanchor">[33]</a> And I said to Harid&aacute;sa: Here
+it is.</p>
+
+<p>And seeing that I was not alone, Chaturik&aacute; turned, as if to go away.
+And I called out to her, saying: Wait but for a single instant, O thou
+destitute of patience, and give me back my key that I gave thee last
+night, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span>since I am in sore need of it. And then she came to me in
+silence and gave me a key. And I said: Hast thou put off the
+petitioner as I desired, to another day? And she said: Yes. And then I
+went to the door, and shut it. And I said to Harid&aacute;sa: I have an
+appointment, with one who may be friend or foe, for I cannot tell. But
+here is a hostage, that I leave behind me. Keep her for me, and never
+take thy eyes off her, and give her back to me, safe and sound, on my
+return. But if the sun rises to-morrow, and I am not here, cut her
+head off, for she will have led me into a trap, all unaware that she
+was setting it for herself as well.</p>
+
+<p>And Harid&aacute;sa looked thoughtfully at Chaturik&aacute; as she stood aghast,
+rubbing his chin with his hand. And he said slowly: It would be a
+great pity, my pretty maiden, if he came late, for thy head looks very
+well as it is on thy little body, which without it would look as
+melancholy as a palm broken short off by the wind.<a name="FNanchor_34_34" id="FNanchor_34_34"></a><a href="#Footnote_34_34" class="fnanchor">[34]</a> And yet, do not
+weep. For Shatrunjaya is a bad judge of men and women, and I am a very
+good one. And if, as I think, he is altogether wronging thee by his
+suspicion, thou hast absolutely nothing to fear from me, and I will be
+thy father and thy mother till he returns to free thee in the morning.
+So dry thy tears, and I will return to thee in a moment to make thee
+laugh.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And he led me away out at the door, and shut it behind him. And he
+said: Shall I tell thee the name of thy very pretty deposit? Dost thou
+think I do not know what thou art endeavouring so clumsily to hide?
+Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she turns away?</p>
+
+<p>And as I started, staring at him in stupefaction, he said with a
+laugh: Ha! thou hast heard it before? Didst thou not betray to me thy
+secret unawares, repeating it before? What! dost thou not know, it is
+the Queen's verse, which all the people in the city sing of every man
+who dooms himself by becoming the Queen's lover? I could have told
+thee, even without seeing Chaturik&aacute; at all, that it was T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;
+herself who was thy nectar, and is going to be thy poison; and well I
+understand who is the friend or foe to whom thou art just about to go.
+It is the Queen.</p>
+
+<p>And he took me by both hands, and looked straight into my eyes. And he
+said: Fool! and art thou actually hoping still for the nectar that is
+gone? Thy hope will be in vain. I told thee, without naming her, to
+hold her very cheap, if ever thou wouldst have her hold thee dear. It
+was useless to restrain thee, for thou wouldst not have believed me,
+no matter what I said. There was but a single chance. For the moment
+that she sees that her fascination works, and that her lover lies
+gazing without reason or senses at her terrible beauty, she is
+satisfied, and throws him away: whereas had he only the strength to
+resist it, she might against her will fall<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span> in love with him herself
+for sheer exasperation at her impotence, in his case alone. But she
+swept thee clean away like a straw in a flood, and thou art lost. Thou
+hast been playing unaware with a queen-cobra, that has smitten thy
+soul with the poisonous fascination of its magnificent hood and its
+deadly eyes, and bitten thy heart with its venomed fang; and now all
+remedies are worse than useless, and come too late. I can see death
+written on thy brow, and almost smell its odour in the air. Beware of
+Narasinha!</p>
+
+<p>And he went in, and shut the door upon himself and Chaturik&aacute;, leaving
+me alone in the street.</p>
+
+
+<h3>XXIV</h3>
+<p>And I stood in the street, staring at the door as it shut behind him,
+as motionless as a tree. And I murmured to myself: Nectar when she
+turns towards thee: poison when she turns away! So then, it is the
+Queen's verse, sung of others and sung of me! And this was the meaning
+all the time! And this is what Chaturik&aacute; was thinking of, every time
+she said it, laughing at me in her sleeve, as beyond a doubt she has
+laughed at many another man before! And this is what the people say!
+And all the time I thought myself exceptional, I was only being made a
+fool, and one of a large number, and a laughing-stock for the whole
+city, and branded, as it were, with ridicule and ignominy as a
+plaything of the Queen, and going about unconsciously<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span> with her label
+round my neck: Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she
+turns away!</p>
+
+<p>And suddenly, rage rushed into my heart in such a flood that it felt
+as if it were about to burst. And from motionless that I was, I began
+all at once to run in the direction of the palace, as though about to
+wreak my vengeance on the Queen without waiting for a single instant.
+And then I stopped abruptly and began to laugh. And I exclaimed: Am I
+actually going mad, for as yet it is still day, and I cannot even get
+into the garden till the sun has set. And after thinking for a moment,
+I went away to the river bank to wait till the sun was down. And there
+I threw myself down at full length upon the ground, with my chin upon
+my hands.</p>
+
+<p>And then, strange! as I lay, little by little my heart began to cool,
+and all its fury ebbed gradually away. For as I thought of T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;,
+it seemed as it were to say to me: I cannot find room, on second
+thoughts, for any rage at all, since I belong absolutely to the Queen.
+And all my rage turned slowly into such unutterable longing that her
+image seemed to grow dim, seen through the mist of eyes that were
+suffused with tears, as recollection brought her back to me saying:
+This is how she looked when she saw thee first, and this again, is how
+she lay in the swing, and this again, when she stood up before thee,
+as a <i>chet&iacute;</i>, in the moonlit boat. And I exclaimed in desperation:
+Alas! O T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, must I then condemn thee, whether I will or no? For
+they all say the same of thee, and as it might seem, it must be true,
+and yet<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span> no matter, for I absolutely cannot either hate thee or
+believe them, when I think of thee as I saw thee myself. And my heart
+laughs in scorn at all the efforts of my reason, never wavering for an
+instant from thy side, like an incorruptible ally, that cannot be
+induced by any bribe whatever to abandon its allegiance. Aye! would
+she but open her arms to me again, I should forget everything else in
+the three worlds, to snatch her in my own. How is it possible to hate
+her? And beyond all doubt, that rascal I slew hit the mark, when he
+said that Narasinha cannot quarrel with her, being utterly unable to
+do without her, disarmed in all his attempts to oppose her by his own
+conviction that she is absolutely indispensable to his own life. For
+she may have deserved ten thousand deaths, and yet what does it
+matter, if for all that she is a thing that once lost or destroyed can
+never be replaced, as indeed she is, resembling the <i>Kaustubha</i>,<a name="FNanchor_35_35" id="FNanchor_35_35"></a><a href="#Footnote_35_35" class="fnanchor">[35]</a>
+or the third eye of the Moony-crested god, of which in the three
+worlds there is only one. And so since he cannot do without her, she
+is beyond all reach, and invulnerable, doing with impunity exactly
+what she pleases, caring nothing whether he loves or hates her, and
+laughing at the very notion of being brought to book, secure in the
+magic circle of her own irresistible attraction, whose very power of
+destroying all others is her own protection, like a spell with a
+double edge, such that, as that rascal said, she cannot refrain from
+amusing herself by trying its effect on all.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And who could find it in his heart to blame her for delighting in the
+exercise of her own spell, like a child rejoicing in its toy, aye!
+even were he himself its victim, as its effect would be the same, no
+matter what she did, seeing that she must attract whether she will or
+no? Being what she is, she cannot help it: it is involuntary and
+beyond her control. And alas! I fell before it without a shadow of
+resistance, enslaved even before I saw it by her own dream, not even
+affording her the pleasure of watching her fascination gradually
+overcoming opposition, and asserting its power, and subduing me to her
+domination, against my will. And so I became a thing of no value to
+her at all, since in my case there was nothing to overcome. Ah! had I
+only been capable of seeming to be one on whom her charm would not
+work, then indeed, as Harid&aacute;sa says, I might have prevailed: and she
+might herself have fallen victim to the man who defied her fascination
+and laughed in her face, out of pique and irritation at her own
+impotence. And all the more, if what that rascal said have any truth,
+that she actually took a momentary fancy to me, strange as it seems.
+But alas! as he said, it is all too late.</p>
+
+<p>And suddenly I started to my feet with a beating heart. And I
+exclaimed: Too late! But what if it were not too late, after all?</p>
+
+<p>And as I stood, thinking of it, struck into sudden agitation by my own
+idea, hope glimmered in the darkness of my soul like the first faint
+streak of rosy dawn at the end of a black night. And the dream of the
+bare<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span> possibility of bringing back T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; with all her old
+intoxicating sweetness almost took away my breath. And after a while,
+I said to myself: Yes, indeed, he actually said, that she took a fancy
+to me, even though it were only for a moment. And how could he have
+known it, if she had not herself confessed it to Chaturik&aacute;, from whom
+alone he could have heard it, since very certainly he never learned it
+from T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; herself? Aye! and was not Chaturik&aacute; herself far sweeter
+at the beginning, just as if she knew I was no ordinary lover, but one
+with a little foothold in the Queen's heart? And if, then, I was ever
+there, why could I not return? And if her fancy has gone to sleep,
+could I not awake it? Can it be already so absolutely dead as never to
+revive, with not a single spark among the ashes to be refanned into a
+flame? How would it be, could I but manage to persuade her she was
+utterly mistaken, in supposing that I was only a miserable victim of
+her spell? How, if I could convince her that I valued all her
+fascinations at a straw? Would she not at least be tempted to try them
+all on me again, if only to test them and discover whether I was lying
+or in very truth proof against all the power of her charm? And if only
+she did, what then? For once she began, it would all depend on me,
+whether she ever stopped any more.</p>
+
+<p>And all at once, I uttered a shout of hope and exultation and
+excitement, suddenly taking fire at the picture painted by my own
+craving imagination. And I exclaimed: Ha! who knows? And at least, I
+can try. And even<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span> if I fail, it cannot possibly be worse than it is
+already, drowned as I am in misery without her: whereas, if I could
+succeed! Ah! I would barter even emancipation for a single kiss! And O
+that my courage may not fail, turning coward at the very first sight
+of her again! For the struggle to appear indifferent, in such an ocean
+of rapture, will be terrible indeed, since even now, the very thought
+of it makes me tremble, being enough to make me fall weeping at her
+feet. And now the sun is setting, and it is time to go: and in a very
+little while, fate will decide, whether she and I are to die or live.
+For I cannot live without her, and unless she will allow me to live
+with her, she shall not live at all, either alone, or with anybody
+else. For she will kill me, by driving me away, and I will take her
+with me, if I am to die.</p>
+
+
+<h3>XXV</h3>
+<p>And then I went away with rapid steps, all through the city, till I
+reached the little ruined temple, that stood exactly opposite the door
+that Chaturik&aacute; had shown me the night before. And I hid myself behind
+the image of the Moony-crested god, and watching my opportunity that
+none should see me, all at once I crossed the street and tried the key
+in the door, almost shaking with anxiety, lest after all she had
+played me false, by giving me at haphazard some key that would not
+fit. But O joy! the key turned, and the door opened, and I went
+through. And very carefully I closed it again, and then,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[114]</a></span> first of
+all, I hid the key in a hole in the wall, making sure of my return.
+And then I drew a deep sigh, almost unable to believe myself once more
+in that garden which held T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; hidden somewhere in its dark
+recesses. And I said to myself, with emotion: Ah! now, come what may,
+at least I shall look upon her again, and very soon. And even for that
+alone, I am ready to die. And it may very well be that death is close
+at hand. For if Chaturik&aacute; is in the pay of Narasinha, as she very well
+may be, and has betrayed me, I may be walking straight into a trap.
+For his assassins may be posted in the trees in almost any number. And
+little should I care to die, so long as they only slew me on my
+return; but I am terribly afraid of being slain before I see her. For
+then indeed I should suffer the agony of a double death.</p>
+
+<p>And I went on slowly in the shadow of the trees, guessing my
+direction, for I was going by a way I did not know, fearing not at all
+the death that might suddenly spring out upon me, but dreading far
+more than death the possibility of its anticipating my discovery of
+the Queen. And little by little, as nothing happened, I forgot my
+fears, saying to myself: To-morrow I will give Chaturik&aacute; anything in
+the world, and beg her pardon for suspecting her of breaking faith.
+But in the meantime, I must above all manage to come upon T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;
+unawares, and escape her observation until I catch sight of her
+myself: for if she saw me first, she might hide, or even go away
+altogether, leaving me to look for her in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[115]</a></span> vain, and making all
+assassination superfluous, since if I do not find her I shall simply
+die of my own accord, long before morning, of disappointment and
+despair. And so I went on very slowly, making absolutely no noise,
+like a Shabara stalking a wild elephant in the forest, dying of
+expectation, and yet not daring to make haste, for fear of losing all:
+until at last, after a very long time, I came to the terrace by the
+pool once more. And then I looked, and suddenly I caught sight of her,
+standing alone, like a pillar, on the very verge of the terrace steps.</p>
+
+<p>And I stopped short in the shadow of a tree, to watch her for a little
+and master my emotion, holding my breath, and lost, not only in the
+ecstasy of being close to her again, but in sheer admiration of the
+wonder that I saw. For she was dressed as it seemed all in silver
+gauze, looking ashy pale in the moonlight, and she was standing
+absolutely straight up, with her two hands clasped behind her head,
+turning half towards me, so that I could just see her dark hair
+between her two bent arms, lit up not by a star, but a diadem like a
+young moon, that shone all yellow as if made by a row of topaz suns,
+so that she looked like a feminine incarnation of the Moony-crested
+god, smeared with silver sheen instead of ashes. And as she stood
+still with her two feet close together, gazing at the pool, with her
+head leaning a little back against the pillow of her hands, alone in
+the very middle of the terrace on the very edge of its top step, with
+nothing but the dusk for her background, resembling a great jar, her
+solitary silent figure,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span> rising from its narrow base into lustrous
+moonlit curves that ended in the tall bosses of her breast, spread
+wide by her opened arms, stood out in a vision of exact and perfect
+balance, so marvellously lovely, that as I gazed at it, remembering
+how I held it in my arms, unable to contain my agitation, I uttered a
+deep sigh.</p>
+
+<p>And instantly, she spoiled the picture, by changing her position, and
+looking straight towards me. And not being able to see me clearly by
+reason of the deep shadow that obscured me, she came back along the
+terrace in my direction, walking exactly as she did before, with the
+same intoxicating straightness of carriage, and the same rapid and
+undulating step, till I could have laughed aloud for very joy to see
+her coming to me, like the desire of my own heart incarnate in her
+round and graceful form. And as she reached me, she said, with exactly
+the same low and sweet and gentle voice that I was yearning with all
+my soul to hear again: Thou art late, for I have been waiting for thee
+a long time.</p>
+
+<p>And suddenly I came as it were to myself, on the very verge of ruining
+all, by falling at her feet:<a name="FNanchor_36_36" id="FNanchor_36_36"></a><a href="#Footnote_36_36" class="fnanchor">[36]</a> saying to myself with an effort: Now
+then, all is lost beyond redemption, unless I play the man. And I came
+out of the shadow, saying with obeisance: O lovely Queen, that is thy
+own fault, and not mine.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[117]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And she started back, with a faint cry, exclaiming in the extremity of
+sheer amazement: Shatrunjaya! How in the world hast thou got in here?</p>
+
+<p>And I answered with a smile, though my heart beat like a drum within
+me: Ah! thou delicious Queen, in this lower world many things come
+about contrary to expectation, of which this is one. And if thy own
+surprise is extreme, so is mine: since, as it seems, my coming is not
+only unexpected, but unwelcome. And yet how short a time it is, since
+thou didst entertain me with a sweetness so extraordinary, and so
+spontaneous, and so mutually tasted, that I thought only to give thee
+pleasure by repeating the experience, and that is why I came. And if
+thou art sorry to look at me again, I do not share in thy feeling,
+since all the pains I have taken to arrive are repaid by even a single
+glance at thyself. For surely even Indra's heaven cannot hold anything
+so unimaginably lovely as thou art to-night.</p>
+
+<p>And still she stood, gazing at me with strange eyes, and she murmured
+to herself, half aloud: Shatrunjaya! It cannot be! And I said: Nay,
+thou very lovely lady, but it can: since here I am, and I am I. And
+why not? Didst thou think I had forgot, what could not easily be
+forgotten, how we floated together in thy cradle among the lotuses? Or
+is it any wonder if I have thought of nothing else, ever since, but
+how to return? But as to how I came, it is a secret, that I do not
+choose to tell, since the fancy may take me to come again. And judging
+by thy excessive condescension when we<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[118]</a></span> met before, I did not think
+very much to displease thee, if I ventured to substitute myself this
+evening for another, who cannot even hope to rival me in the only
+thing that matters, my unutterable adoration of thyself: since of thy
+favour we are both of us equally unworthy. And yet, if, as it seems, I
+was utterly mistaken and the substitution is not to thy taste, I can
+very easily atone for my blunder by going away again at once. Dost
+thou really imagine me one to force himself upon a lady who wishes him
+away? O thou very lovely Queen, not at all. For I am just as good a
+man among men, as thou art a woman among women: and if I am not to thy
+taste, then, O thou fastidious beauty, neither art thou to mine. For
+the essence of every lovely woman's charm is her caress, which springs
+from her affection, and the desire to make herself nectar to her
+lover, without which salt, even beauty is beautiful in vain. And I
+care absolutely nothing for a beauty that does not take the trouble to
+be sweet. And well I know, by experience, how sweet thou canst be,
+aye! sweeter by far than any honey whatsoever, if it pleases thee to
+try. So choose for thyself, whether I shall stay, and revel like a
+great black bee in thy sweetness, as once I did before; or go away.
+But let me tell thee, pending thy decision, that if thou dost not take
+thy opportunity when it offers, it will never more return; for as I
+said, I do not like coming where my coming is met with distaste. But
+as I think, if thou wilt allow me to advise thee, and help thee to
+decision, we may as well make the most of one another,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span> now that we
+are here, otherwise the moonlight will be wasted altogether, since
+to-night at least, thy other lover will not come. For I have taken
+care to exclude him, and we shall not be disturbed by any disagreeable
+interruption. And so, either thou wilt have to do without a lover
+altogether, or take me, for sheer want of something else. And the
+first would be a pity, and all the delicious trouble thou hast taken
+to deck thy beauty for its proper object, the delight of a lover,
+would be lost. For in thy silver ashes and thy moony tire, thou
+needest no third eye to destroy thy enemies, since thy divinity is so
+overpowering that not to employ it as it was designed to be employed
+would be a crime.</p>
+
+
+<h3>XXVI</h3>
+<p>And all the while I spoke, she stood, as curiously still as if she
+were made of marble, looking at me quietly, with her head thrown just
+a little back, and her left hand pressed very tight against her
+breast, and eyes that I could not understand. For they rested on me
+absolutely without anger, seeming as it were not to see me at all, but
+filled with some strange perplexity, as if she were hunting for
+something in her recollection that she could not find. And when I
+ended, she continued to stand, exactly in the same position, for so
+long, that I began to wonder what could possibly be passing in her
+soul. And I said to myself, as I waited in terrible suspense: Now very
+likely, in another moment, she will<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[120]</a></span> summon her attendants, and have
+me ejected, as well she might, for my almost inconceivable
+impertinence, which almost broke my own heart in two, to utter it at
+all. And if so it seems, even to myself, what must it seem to her? Aye
+indeed! for every word, I deserve ten thousand deaths, and I could
+forgive her, no matter what she did. Aye! and if, in a very little
+while, she does not speak, I shall be throwing myself at her feet and
+begging to be forgiven, unable any longer to endure.</p>
+
+<p>And then at last, all at once, her tension relaxed, and she sank back
+suddenly into her old soft sweetness, with a deep sigh. And her eyes
+seemed, as it were, to come back to me, and find me for the first
+time, and there stole over her lips a little smile. And as I saw it,
+my heart almost broke with delight, for I said to myself: She has
+changed her mind about me; after all, and now my plan is beginning to
+succeed. Alas! little did I fathom the unfathomable intelligence of
+that extraordinary Queen! And presently she said, with exactly the
+same gentleness in her low voice that made my heart tremble exactly as
+before, every time it spoke: Thou art, beyond all doubt, the very
+first man in all the world, not only for effrontery and impertinence,
+but also, for this, that thou hast succeeded in imposing upon me,
+which no man ever yet did before. For in my simplicity I had thought
+thee quite another, making in thy solitary instance a mistake, unusual
+with me, and making me ashamed: since as a rule, men's hearts are no
+secret for my own, and I read them at a glance.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[121]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And she looked at me with a smile, and inscrutable clear eyes, whose
+expression was a puzzle to my soul. And I said: Then, since thou
+readest hearts so easily, why couldst thou not read mine also, as it
+is very plain thou didst not? And she said: Why very plain? And I
+said: Why didst thou send no answer to my message, and why didst thou
+summon me at sunset, and yet go away, leaving me nothing but the scorn
+of thy servants at thy gate?</p>
+
+<p>And she looked at me in blank amazement, and she said: What dost thou
+mean? I never got any message, and if any summons came to thee, it was
+not sent by me. For I have not heard anything of thee at all, since I
+left thee at midnight in my boat.</p>
+
+<p>And as she spoke, there came a mist before my eyes, and all the blood
+in my body rushed suddenly into my heart, as if to burst it, and then
+as suddenly left it, so that I almost swooned. And all at once, I
+exclaimed with a shout: Chaturik&aacute;! Ah! then I was deceived! Ah! then
+it was not thou! Ah! then I was not slighted by thee as a thing to be
+despised! Ah! then thou art not as they say, one that forgets and
+throws away her lovers almost as soon as she has seen them first! Ah!
+had I only known, I never would have stolen unawares into thy privacy
+to-night! Say, say, that thou art not such a woman as they say!</p>
+
+<p>And again she looked at me, with those strange quiet eyes; and after a
+while, she said with a sigh: Thou art right. They say, but they do not
+understand. And yet,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[122]</a></span> what does it matter what they say? Is it my
+fault, if every man that sees me is seized as it were with madness,
+and instantly steps over the line that divides friendship from
+passionate affection, asking me for what I cannot give him, with such
+eager insistence, that in my own defence I am driven to dismiss him
+altogether? And she smiled, and she said, with playfulness and wistful
+eyes: Must I belong to everyone, merely because he claims me as his
+own, and his property, and give myself to everyone that sees me in a
+dream?</p>
+
+<p>And I trembled from head to foot, and I said in a voice that shook
+with entreaty and emotion like a leaf: Ah! then have I thy permission
+to stay with thee to-night, notwithstanding my overweening presumption
+in coming of my own accord without an invitation? Ah! I did not know:
+my heart is breaking: do not send me away!</p>
+
+<p>And as she stood, looking at me with irresolution, I stretched my
+hands towards her, absolutely senseless, and not knowing what I did.
+And she hesitated for yet a little while; and then, with a sigh, she
+put her two hands into my own. And with a shudder of joy, I pulled her
+to me, and caught her once more in my arms, and began to kiss her,
+with hot tears that fell upon her face, quivering all over with the
+extremity of my agitation, and not believing that it was not a dream.</p>
+
+<p>And then, after a long while, I came, somehow or other, to my senses,
+and became, a little, master of myself. And I looked at her with eyes
+dim with affection,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[123]</a></span> and I took her two arms, and put them round my
+neck. And I whispered in her ear: Now give me a kiss for every day
+that I have not seen thee, since I fell asleep in thy boat. And as if
+with resignation and compliance and submission to my will, she did
+exactly as I told her, stopping time after time, but I would not let
+her stop. And at last, I stopped. And I said: There are more still
+owing, for thou hast not counted right. But now I will ask thee a
+question, just to give thee time to breathe.</p>
+
+
+<h3>XXVII</h3>
+<p>And as I held her still in my arms, with her own arms round my neck,
+she said: Ask. Then I said: Didst thou know, when I came to thee last
+time, that my coming delayed me in a matter of life and death? And she
+said: Something I knew, from the chatter of Chaturik&aacute;. And I said:
+Didst thou know that my kingdom depended on my going fast? For as it
+is, I lost it, all by coming late. And she said: It was no business of
+mine. And I said: What! wouldst thou deprive me of a kingdom, by
+placing thyself, for a single sunset, in the other scale? And she
+said: I did not bid thee stay. I had sent to thee already, asking thee
+to come: and if another summons called thee, after mine, the choice
+was thine, between them. I told thee only, I awaited thee: and it was
+true. And I said: What if I had not come? And she said: Then it may
+be, thou wouldst have kept thy kingdom, and lost thy interview<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[124]</a></span> with
+me. That is all. It was not I, who had anything to do either with
+causing thy dilemma, or determining its conclusion. And I said: Beyond
+a doubt, the loss of any kingdom would be a trifle in comparison with
+thy affection: and yet the loss is certain, and the affection
+doubtful. For I showed thee very plainly which I chose, and my kingdom
+is gone. I have thrown it clean away for thy sake. And have I its
+equivalent? Wilt thou make it up to me by giving me thy soul? And she
+said, gently: It is not mine, to give away, for I belong to Narasinha,
+body and soul, as I told thee long ago.</p>
+
+<p>And I said: How canst thou say so, when I hold thee in my arms? And
+she said, quietly: Thou art but a momentary accident, due rather to my
+yielding myself, against my own will, and of pity for thy unhappy
+passion, than to any hold that thou hast on my heart. And Narasinha
+learned of thy former visit to me in this garden, as very soon he will
+learn of this also, since I tell him every detail of my life, great or
+small. And he made me promise never to see thee any more. And so I had
+intended: but thou hast managed to steal in, somehow or other, of thy
+own accord. It is not by my doing that thou art here now at all.</p>
+
+<p>And I let her go, and stood gazing at her with amazement, that was
+mixed with bitter disappointment and irritation, and fierce
+exasperation at this obstacle of Narasinha, who, out of my reach, and
+hiding behind her as a screen, issued orders that I was to be shut out
+of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[125]</a></span> her garden and banished from her presence, whether she would or
+not. And my heart swelled with resentment and indignation, and I said:
+O T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, Narasinha may shut his eyes, or not, as he chooses, but I
+am very different, and will not take orders as to thee, from him or
+anybody else. Thou art my mistress and not his. And she shook her
+head, and she said, very gently: Nay, thou dost not understand. I am
+not anybody's mistress. I am my own mistress, and do exactly as I
+please, whether he or any other like it or not. There lives not the
+man who shall say to me: Here is a line, and over it, thou shalt not
+step. And whatever I do, I do, of my own free will, not of obedience,
+but of my own consent. I have given my body and soul away, but my will
+is mine.</p>
+
+<p>And I said with emphasis: I have bought thee at the price of a
+kingdom, and become a beggar on thy account, and mine thou art, by
+right. Dost thou actually tell me, I am to lose my kingdom, and get
+absolutely nothing in exchange? And she said, always with the same
+sweet and quiet voice, whose tone never varied, adding by the very
+charm of its gentle music fire to the exasperating sting that lay in
+the words it said: I have nothing at all to do with thy kingdom, and
+if thou hast lost it, I am very sorry: yet blame not me for its loss,
+but thyself alone, for the choice was thine. And moreover, I am not
+for sale. I give myself, or part of me, to anyone I choose. It is for
+dealers and merchants to bargain. I never bargain. I am a Queen. And I
+said in wrath: Thou shalt give thyself no longer to anyone<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[126]</a></span> but me.
+Thou hast already cheated me by making me the loser in a bargain where
+I lose all, gaining nothing in exchange. But I will have either my
+kingdom or thyself: and if not the kingdom, which is gone, then thee.
+And she said quietly: Say nothing rash, or harsh, or ill-considered.
+It is not I that have cheated thee out of thy kingdom: it is no one
+but thyself.</p>
+
+<p>And I exclaimed: What! didst thou not cheat me by telling me thou
+didst love me long ago? And she broke in instantly, and said: I said
+nothing of the kind: it is thy own imagination. I never told thee
+anything so false as that I loved thee. And I said: Nay, not in words,
+but in a language deeper far than any words. What woman ever gave a
+man what thou hast given me, without telling him very plainly, he was
+the object of her love? And she said quietly: It was but thy own
+inference, and utterly unwarranted. And I said: Why didst thou then
+allow me to make love to thee at all? And she said, very gently: I did
+not ask, nor even wish thee, to make love to me at all. But I was
+touched by thy emotion, and thy passion, and thy miserable longing,
+and willing to soothe it, and gratify it, for an instant, letting thee
+taste that nectar for which thou wert so obviously dying: for I am
+kind.</p>
+
+<p>And I exclaimed with a shout: Kind! Why, what is thy kindness but the
+very extremity of unkindness? What! and did all thy caresses mean
+absolutely nothing? And she said, very gently: They meant exactly what
+they were, gifts and boons, bestowed of sheer com<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[127]</a></span>passion: and if from
+their receipt, thou hast drawn the conclusion that thy affection was
+returned, it is not so: it is only thy own unjustified construction,
+for thou art not, and never can be, anything to me, but the thing that
+thou wilt not be, a mere friend. And I said: What kind of a woman art
+thou to betray me with kisses? And she said: I am only what I am: but
+thou art most unfair to me, and instead of peevishly demanding of me
+what I cannot give, and growing so unreasonably angry, thou oughtest
+rather to be very grateful to me, for giving thee anything at all. I
+told thee almost as soon as I had seen thee, in the very beginning of
+all, that I belonged, body and soul, to Narasinha: and yet
+notwithstanding, I took pity on thee, for thy misery, and gave thee,
+by concession, what I might very easily have refused, humouring thy
+weakness like that of a child, crying for what he cannot have. But
+never did I promise thee anything beyond: and I even told thee, if
+thou canst remember it, that it might injure thee and could not do
+thee any good. But thou wert blind, and as it were buried in thy
+dream. Did I not warn thee, and entreat thee beforehand, not to blame
+me, when the dream was over, and reality returned? And when I had
+surfeited thy longing, and dismissed thee, I meant it to be the end,
+for it was all I had to give. In all, it is not I, that have in any
+way whatever deceived thee: thou hast all along only deceived thyself.
+And if I have deceived at all, it is myself alone I have deceived, by
+expecting any gratitude for the boon of my compassion,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span> and the favour
+that I poured on thee with no miser's band, because I blamed myself
+for being innocently guilty of becoming the unintentional object of
+thy passion, and its involuntary cause.</p>
+
+
+<h3>XXVIII</h3>
+<p>And I listened, so utterly confounded by the very simplicity of her
+apology, which overturned all my accusations, and put me in the wrong,
+that I stood in silence, unable to find anything to say. And in my
+stupefaction, I began to laugh. And I said: Ha! Nectar when she turns
+towards thee: poison when she turns away! Hast thou never heard the
+Queen's verse? And she said: What! wilt thou actually lay on me the
+burden of refuting the silly slander of a rhyme, circulated by little
+rascals merely for want of something else to say? Can I help what they
+say, or shall I even stoop to listen when they say it, who will say
+anything of queens, without shame for the envious venom of their own
+base insignificance, knowing all the time absolutely nothing, but
+making mere noise, like frogs all croaking together in a marsh? Or if
+I must absolutely answer, in spite of my disdain, how can I prevent
+any lover, such as thyself, from persuading himself of what he wishes
+to believe? For all of them resemble thee, behaving like unreasonable
+bulls, the very moment that they see me, and pestering me like flies,
+to my torment, and yet would blame me for driving them away. And every
+one of them, exactly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[129]</a></span> like thee, imagines me his own, for no reason
+that I am ever able to discover, although I tell them all, exactly as
+I told thee, that I belong to Narasinha.</p>
+
+<p>And I said in wrath: I will slice off the head of Narasinha, by and
+by, as I have done already for some of his tools. And I will not be
+the plaything of a moment, to be cast aside the next. I have lost a
+kingdom for thy sake, and will have thee to repay me, whether thou
+wilt or no. And she said with a smile: Thou art angry, and talking
+nonsense in thy anger, as angry men will. Dost thou not see that thou
+art bereft of thy senses? For, kingdom or no kingdom, how canst thou
+be so silly as to propose to force me, willy nilly, to love thee when
+I do not love? If I loved thee, I should say so, and all force would
+be superfluous: if not, it would be not only useless, but injurious to
+thy own cause, seeing that the more thou forcest, the less wilt thou
+obtain: nay, whereas now thou art indifferent, thou wilt bring it
+about that I shall hate thee in the end, as I am beginning to do a
+very little even now. And then it will be worse for thee in every way.
+For thou dost not seem ever to remember that I am, after all, not only
+a woman, but a queen.</p>
+
+<p>And I looked at her as she spoke, saying to myself: She is wrong, for
+nobody looking at her ever could forget it, even for a moment, just
+because, like the grace of a lily, it is forgotten by herself, and she
+would still be a queen, even if she were not a queen at all. And she
+looks at me, notwithstanding the biting reproof in her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[130]</a></span> words, with
+exactly the same intoxicating and caressing sweetness, as if I were
+still a dear friend with whom she were unwilling to quarrel. And I
+gazed at her, yearning towards her with every fibre of my soul, and
+yet exasperated almost beyond endurance at the thought that she was
+keeping me like a stranger at a distance from her heart, in order to
+preserve it for another. And after a while, I said slowly: If thy
+affection is not to be given to me, it shall never be given to anybody
+else. And she said, as if with curiosity: Thou art surely mad. For how
+canst thou prevent any other from following thy own example, and doing
+just what thou hast done thyself, losing thy reason at the sight of
+me, as all men always do? Dost thou not see that my power to excite
+affection is far greater than thine to prevent it? And I said: It
+would be very very easy for me to prevent all others from ever loving
+thee again.</p>
+
+<p>And she looked at me with eyes, in whose unruffled calm there was not
+even the faintest shadow of any fear. And she said quietly: I
+understand thee very well, and yet for all that I tell thee thou art
+raving, and thou art, without knowing it, very like the very man thou
+hatest most, Narasinha. For often he has said to me the very same
+thing that thou art saying now: and yet, though according to thee, the
+thing is very easy, he finds it so difficult as to be utterly
+impossible. For he cannot endure to do without me, even in a dream,
+and cannot therefore bring himself to slay me, as he is constantly
+threatening to do, knowing very well that he might rather<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[131]</a></span> slay
+himself, since once I am gone, he will never find another me, to put
+in my place. And this is true, even though I cannot understand it:
+just as I cannot understand what it is that makes me indispensable to
+thee or to anybody else. For I know it only by its effect. And so I am
+my own protection, against all his threats, or thine. And if I had
+thought otherwise, what could have been easier, since thou talkest of
+easy things, than to have summoned my attendants and bade them put
+thee out, when it may be, thy life would have paid for thy marvellous
+impertinence, in intruding unbidden, as perhaps it still may, without
+any instigation of my own at all? Thou dost not seem to understand
+that all this while thy own life is in far greater danger than mine;
+since thou hast done a thing that will not be forgiven thee by others,
+though I myself have not only forgiven thee, but well understanding
+the fiery goad that drove thee into my presence, have treated thee,
+for yet once more, with kindness and condescension far beyond any
+deserts of thine. And for all return, thou art threatening even to
+slay me. But I am destitute of fear.</p>
+
+<p>And she stood before me in the moonlight, that turned her as it clung
+to all her limbs into a thing beautiful beyond all earthly dreams,
+absolutely fearless, and with a dignity whose royalty was not only
+that of a queen, but of loveliness laughing to scorn all possible
+comparison, seeming to say without the need of any words: Art thou
+brave enough, and fool enough, to lay<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[132]</a></span> rude hands on such a thing as I
+am, or even if thy folly were equal to thy courage, canst thou find it
+in thy heart to think of violence offered to it, by thyself or any
+other, even in a dream? And my heart burned, for sheer adoration, and
+yet strange! it began to sink at the very same time, as I gazed at
+her, looking at me quietly in return. For there was something
+absolutely unanswerable, not only in herself, but in everything she
+said, and yet her very simplicity that overwhelmed me with its soft
+irrefutable sweetness increased the torture of my hopeless admiration
+every time she spoke. And suddenly I struck my hands together in
+despair. And I exclaimed: Ah! thou marvel of a woman and a queen, I am
+conquered by thee, and I am on the very verge of falling at thy feet
+in a passion of tears, craving thy forgiveness as a criminal, so
+bewildering is the double spell of thy beauty and thy intelligence,
+and the candour of thy strange soul, which drives me mad with its
+inexplicable charm. But what does it matter to me, hate me or love me,
+if I am never to see thee any more? Aye! Narasinha may not find it in
+him to slay thee for thy wayward and beautiful independence, but then
+he can see thee every day, exactly as he chooses: whereas I, once I go
+away this night, am outcast: for well I understand that thou or he
+will see to it that I never come again. Dost thou imagine I can bear
+it? And again I struck my hands together with a cry. And I exclaimed:
+Curse on my birth, and the crimes of the births that went before it,
+that I was not born Narasinha! for he has cut me from<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[133]</a></span> my happiness,
+and stolen from me the very fruit of being born at all!</p>
+
+<p>And in my frenzy, I seized her in my arms once more, desperately
+clutching, as it were, at the bliss escaping from my reach in her
+form. And I said to her, as I held her tight: Tell me, had Narasinha
+never lived, could I have been to thee what he is now? And she
+extricated herself, very gently, from my arms, and stood back, looking
+at me with meditative eyes; and after a while, she said doubtfully,
+yet with a little smile on her lips: Perhaps. But I am not sure. Thou
+art a little over-bearing. And yet I like thee, somehow, but I love
+thee not at all. And yet again, it may be, that had I met thee sooner,
+I might have looked at thee with other eyes. And I bear thee no
+malice, if indeed thou art a criminal, for any of thy crimes, since I
+was their occasion. But what after all is the use of supposition as to
+what might be were Narasinha away, since as it is, he is here, an
+obstacle in the way, not to be surmounted by any means whatever? And
+so, thy case is hopeless. And I tried to make thee understand, in
+vain: since thou wilt not take denial or listen to any reason. And I
+went to such a length, out of kindness, as to give thee one single
+evening, packed as full as it could hold with all the sweetness I
+could think of, giving myself up, so to say, to the insatiable thirst
+of thy arms, and thy craving desire to be caressed and kissed by only
+me, and embodying thy dream, and turning myself into an instrument of
+that nectar of feminine intoxication for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[134]</a></span> which thou wert ready to
+die, and putting myself without reserve absolutely at thy disposal,
+only to find my kindness miserably requited by ingratitude and
+undeserved reproaches, and even menaces and threats. And as I said,
+to-night, when by underhand contrivance thou didst force thyself upon
+me, I never punished thee at all, as many another queen might do, but
+took pity on thy desolation and forgave and overlooked all thy
+insolence, without being in the very least deceived by thy fustian
+beginning, which I easily discerned to be a <i>ruse</i>, to enable thee
+perhaps to steal back into my favour, all founded on a
+misinterpretation of the woman that I am. For had I really been what
+people say, and what, listening to them, thou didst imagine me, thy
+foolish plan might perhaps have been successful, but I am very
+different indeed. And yet, even so, thy part was played so poorly,
+that it failed almost as soon as it began, since it needed but a touch
+of my finger to make thee drop thy mask, and reveal thyself to be,
+what all the time I knew thee, a lover in the depths of despair. For
+love is very hard to hide, and thou couldst scarcely hope to deceive
+even those who are very easy to deceive, as I am not. And as I watched
+thy clumsy effort, sitting as it did so ill on one so simple and
+direct as thou art, I could not prevent my compassion from mixing with
+a very little laughter, remembering the ass in the Panchatantra, who
+clothed him in a lion's skin, forgetting that his ears betrayed him,
+to say nothing of his voice. And now for the second time I have given
+thee something that I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[135]</a></span> would have refused thee altogether, had
+caresses of compassion been any argument of love. But understand well,
+that there will be no third opportunity: for this is thy farewell. Go
+as thou hast come, for I will not attempt to penetrate thy secret, nor
+have thy footsteps dogged.</p>
+
+
+<h3>XXIX</h3>
+<p>And as I listened, I knew that all was over, and that her words were
+my doom: for I understood that she was stronger far than I, and in a
+position absolutely impregnable by any efforts I might make. And I
+stood gazing at her silently with a tumult in my soul that could find
+no utterance in words. And I said at last, in a very low voice: Is thy
+decision irrevocable, and am I really never to see thee any more? And
+she said: Even this time is more than I had allowed thee, and I am
+afraid for thee. Aye! I fear that thy life is the forfeit thou wilt
+pay. Yet blame not me for anything that may occur. For Narasinha would
+have slain thee already, as he is furiously jealous of anything that
+comes near me in the form of a man, had I not myself expressly
+interfered in thy behalf, making him swear to overlook thy former
+trespass on a ground that he considers as his own. But he will not
+listen to me now. And to-morrow, as soon as he discovers what has
+taken place to-night, for I cannot hide it, he will take measures to
+prevent thy ever coming back, very likely such as thou thyself hinted
+at, of me, a little while ago. Thou art looking at me<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[136]</a></span> now for the
+very last time; and remember, I told thee myself, I will take no
+blame, if thy temerity turns out to have cost thee dear. Farewell, and
+if thou canst, forget me, and go away to a great distance, without the
+loss of a single moment. For in a very little while, thou mayst find,
+there will not even be the chance, and it will be too late.</p>
+
+<p>And instead of going, I stood, rooted to the spot like a tree, gazing
+at her thirstily, in a stupor of despair, and saying to myself: What!
+can it really be possible that I am actually looking at her now, as
+she says, for the very last time in my life, doomed to go here, or
+there, in the world, without ever seeing her again, knowing all the
+while that she is, still, somewhere to be seen, and actually being
+seen, only not by me? Out upon such horror, for it would be less, even
+if she were dead! And she, so kind, so gentle, how in the world can
+she stand there, bidding me with a wave of her hand, in that low sweet
+voice of hers, to go away to a great distance, to save my life,
+knowing well, for she is very clever, that she is taking it away, by
+banishing me for ever? And am I just to be thrown away at the bidding
+of Narasinha?</p>
+
+<p>And at the thought, all at once I began to laugh with sheer rage. And
+I said to myself: What! must I turn my back on heaven, and go meekly
+down to hell, at the order of Narasinha? Would she banish me at all,
+but for Narasinha? Who in the world is Narasinha? Is Narasinha my
+master? Is he even her master, for as it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[137]</a></span> seems, she is rather his?
+Are these his orders, or her own? Ha! now, I wonder. What if after all
+this Narasinha were only a man of straw, doing exactly as he is told,
+and acting as her agent and her instrument, for the sake of what she
+gives him? Is it likely, after all, that he orders, and she obeys? And
+am I being fooled, and handed over by herself to banishment, or even
+death, behind the screen of Narasinha?</p>
+
+<p>And I looked at her as she stood, patiently waiting for me to go, with
+a soul torn to pieces by rage, and suspicion, and love-longing, and
+flat refusal to go away. And suddenly there came into my recollection
+Harid&aacute;sa, saying as he stood outside the door: Nectar when she turns
+towards thee: poison when she turns away. And I said to myself: So
+now, she turns away. And can she possibly not know, what becomes of
+all her lovers?</p>
+
+<p>And I went up to her, all at once, and took her by her two hands, and
+looked straight into her eyes. And I said: T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, thou choosest thy
+servants well. I know the use of Chaturik&aacute;. And now dimly I begin to
+see the use of Narasinha. Does he never tell thee where he throws the
+bodies of thy old lovers, when thou hast finished with their souls?</p>
+
+<p>And then, strange! her eyes wavered, as if unable to meet my own. And
+like a flash of lightning, I understood. And I exclaimed: Ha! have I
+found at last the question that thou canst not answer, and laid my
+finger on the flaw in thy consummate skill? So then, this was all but
+a comedy that thou wert playing, to shift the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[138]</a></span> blame from thy own
+shoulders and turn me over to extinction at the hands of Narasinha?
+Ah! thou art thy own mistress, and not one to obey. But ah! thou
+lovely lady that hast no pity for thy poisoned lovers, it is not the
+lover this time that shall die. And thou shalt meet thy master for the
+first time in thy life.</p>
+
+<p>And I looked at her for a single instant in a frenzy of fierce hatred
+that suddenly blazed up from the ashes of my dead devotion, lying
+scorned and cheated and betrayed by the idol it adored. And I seized
+her in the grip of death, and tore from my arm the lute-string that
+was wound about my wrist. And I said: Dear, I never gave thee thy
+music-lesson: but now I will give thee a very long one on a single
+string. And in an instant, I twisted it about her neck, and drew it
+tight, holding her still as she struggled, in an ecstasy of giant
+strength. And so I stood, trembling all over, for a very long time.
+And at last, I felt that she lay in my arms like a dead weight,
+hanging as it were against her will in the terrible embrace of a lover
+that loved with hatred instead of love.</p>
+
+<p>And I laid her down very gently, turning carefully away, that I might
+not see her face. And I went away very quickly, and all at once, as I
+went, I fell down and began to sob, as if my heart would break. And at
+last, after a long while, I got up, and stood, thinking, and looking
+back under the trees. And I crept back on tiptoe, and looked and saw
+her at a distance, lying in the moonlight, very still, like the tomb
+of my own heart.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[139]</a></span> And then I turned sharp round, and went away for
+good and all, without a soul. And I said to myself in agony: Now I
+have made the whole world empty with my own hand, and it was myself
+that I have killed, as well as her. And now I will go after her as
+soon as I possibly can. But there is one thing still to do, before I
+go, for I have to give another lesson to Narasinha. Only this time I
+will not use a lute-string, but crush out his soul with my bare hands.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>Ha! Narasinha, I have told thee, and thou knowest all. And now thou
+hast only to count the hours that are left to thee, for I am coming
+very soon.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[140]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_6_6" id="Footnote_6_6"></a><a href="#FNanchor_6_6"><span class="label">[6]</span></a> Pronounce in three syllables <i>Shut-roon-jye</i>: it means,
+<i>one who triumphs over his foes</i>. So again, in three syllables,
+<i>Narasing</i>: which means, <i>man-lion</i>, alluding to one of Wishnu's
+incarnations. (Europeans do not adequately realise that the short
+final <i>a</i>, in Sanskrit, is always mute. They pronounce e.g. <i>R&aacute;ma</i>,
+<i>Krishna</i>, as if the last letter were long. They are monosyllables.)</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_7_7" id="Footnote_7_7"></a><a href="#FNanchor_7_7"><span class="label">[7]</span></a> "The menace prevented the deed," observes Gibbon, of a
+would-be assassin of Commodus. That was also the error of the Germans,
+in 1914.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_8_8" id="Footnote_8_8"></a><a href="#FNanchor_8_8"><span class="label">[8]</span></a> A heavenly musician.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_9_9" id="Footnote_9_9"></a><a href="#FNanchor_9_9"><span class="label">[9]</span></a> <i>Dharma</i> does not mean religion in our sense of the word.
+It means, for every man, that set of obligations laid on him by his
+caste or status: thus everybody's <i>dharma</i> is different.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_10_10" id="Footnote_10_10"></a><a href="#FNanchor_10_10"><span class="label">[10]</span></a> A crown prince. Palace intrigues were common in the old
+Hindoo courts. Each wife thought of nothing but providing the heir to
+the throne, if not by fair means, then by foul.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_11_11" id="Footnote_11_11"></a><a href="#FNanchor_11_11"><span class="label">[11]</span></a> Krishna, the lute-player, and flute-player, <i>par
+excellence</i>. He resembles Odin in this particular.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_12_12" id="Footnote_12_12"></a><a href="#FNanchor_12_12"><span class="label">[12]</span></a> i.e. <i>the city of lotuses.</i> The final <i>a</i> is mute.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_13_13" id="Footnote_13_13"></a><a href="#FNanchor_13_13"><span class="label">[13]</span></a> i.e. <i>a line of stars</i>; <i>a constellation</i>; <i>a star
+intensified.</i></p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_14_14" id="Footnote_14_14"></a><a href="#FNanchor_14_14"><span class="label">[14]</span></a> That is to say, abandoned, dissolute: independence
+being, in old Hindoo ears, a synonym for every possible species of
+depravity.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_15_15" id="Footnote_15_15"></a><a href="#FNanchor_15_15"><span class="label">[15]</span></a> There is here an untranslatable play on <i>m&aacute;nasa</i> and
+<i>manasi-j&aacute;</i> = a feminine god of love.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_16_16" id="Footnote_16_16"></a><a href="#FNanchor_16_16"><span class="label">[16]</span></a> There is no vulgarity in this idea: it is a poetical
+degree in the scale of passion. An <i>abhis&aacute;rik&aacute;</i> is a lady so mastered
+by her love that she cannot wait for her lover, but goes to him of her
+own accord. There are all sorts of conditions laid down to regulate
+her going: she must not go in broad daylight, but in a thunderstorm,
+or dusk.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_17_17" id="Footnote_17_17"></a><a href="#FNanchor_17_17"><span class="label">[17]</span></a> <i>L&aacute;wanya</i> means loveliness as well as salt.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_18_18" id="Footnote_18_18"></a><a href="#FNanchor_18_18"><span class="label">[18]</span></a> The exact equivalent, and indeed the only possible
+translation of <i>kupandit&aacute;.</i></p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_19_19" id="Footnote_19_19"></a><a href="#FNanchor_19_19"><span class="label">[19]</span></a> This is due to the peculiar dress of Hindoo women, all
+in one piece, and put on so that the edge that runs around the feet
+afterwards runs up diagonally and winds around the whole figure. No
+national costume was ever better calculated to set off the sinuosities
+and soft grace of a woman's figure to advantage than the marvellous
+simplicity of the <i>sar&iacute;</i> which is nothing more than a very long strip
+of almost anything you please.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_20_20" id="Footnote_20_20"></a><a href="#FNanchor_20_20"><span class="label">[20]</span></a> i.e. <i>the clever one</i>: a name, like Nipunik&aacute;, employed
+in Hindoo plays to denote the qualities of a <i>grisette</i>: <i>Suzanne.</i></p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_21_21" id="Footnote_21_21"></a><a href="#FNanchor_21_21"><span class="label">[21]</span></a> <i>Anurakt&aacute;mritam b&aacute;l&aacute; wirakt&aacute; wisham ewa s&aacute;.</i></p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_22_22" id="Footnote_22_22"></a><a href="#FNanchor_22_22"><span class="label">[22]</span></a> A female door-keeper. This appears to have been
+customary in old times. Runjeet Singh had a body-guard of women,
+dressed like boys.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_23_23" id="Footnote_23_23"></a><a href="#FNanchor_23_23"><span class="label">[23]</span></a> The roots of these great figs "grow down" (hence their
+name) from the branches, often coalescing with the trunks into the
+most extraordinary shapes: it needs no imagination to see Dryads under
+the bark: they are visible to the naked eye. The huge leaves and great
+white blossom of the <i>sh&aacute;la</i> make it one of the most beautiful of
+earthly trees: as the champak is one of the most weird, like a great
+candlestick of innumerable branches whose pale flower-cups grow out of
+the end of its clumsy fingers without leaves.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_24_24" id="Footnote_24_24"></a><a href="#FNanchor_24_24"><span class="label">[24]</span></a> Durg&aacute;, <i>the inaccessible one</i>, is one of P&aacute;rwat&iacute;'s
+innumerable names. It has reference to a mountain steep, with
+accessory meanings, moral and theological.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_25_25" id="Footnote_25_25"></a><a href="#FNanchor_25_25"><span class="label">[25]</span></a> There are constant references in Hindoo poetry to
+swinging, which is a national pastime in India, with a special
+festival in its honour.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_26_26" id="Footnote_26_26"></a><a href="#FNanchor_26_26"><span class="label">[26]</span></a> Pronounce as a trisyllable: Harid&aacute;s.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_27_27" id="Footnote_27_27"></a><a href="#FNanchor_27_27"><span class="label">[27]</span></a> The Indian women used to send little earthenware dishes,
+with a lighted wick in their oil, floating down the Ganges, to
+symbolise their children's lives. Perhaps they do it still: but all
+these beautiful old superstitious practices are dying away, in the
+light of "representative institutions." New lamps for old ones!</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_28_28" id="Footnote_28_28"></a><a href="#FNanchor_28_28"><span class="label">[28]</span></a> That is Shr&iacute;, the Hindoo Aphrodite. Only those who have
+studied Hindoo goddesses on the old temple walls, where they stand
+with everlasting marble smiles in long silent rows, buried in the
+jungles that encircle their deserted fanes, will enter into the
+atmosphere of this strange description.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_29_29" id="Footnote_29_29"></a><a href="#FNanchor_29_29"><span class="label">[29]</span></a> <i>Daiwatam hi hayottamah</i>, says Somadewa: <i>a good horse
+is a divine thing.</i></p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_30_30" id="Footnote_30_30"></a><a href="#FNanchor_30_30"><span class="label">[30]</span></a> The Hindoo &AElig;sculapius. Ayurweda, the science of
+medicine.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_31_31" id="Footnote_31_31"></a><a href="#FNanchor_31_31"><span class="label">[31]</span></a> A gem that attracts straws, presumably amber. It is
+always employed by Hindoo poets as an equivalent of our <i>magnet.</i></p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_32_32" id="Footnote_32_32"></a><a href="#FNanchor_32_32"><span class="label">[32]</span></a> <i>i.e.</i> the mirage.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_33_33" id="Footnote_33_33"></a><a href="#FNanchor_33_33"><span class="label">[33]</span></a> That is, as if she were a character in a play, coming at
+her cue. The phrase is common in the Hindoo plays.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_34_34" id="Footnote_34_34"></a><a href="#FNanchor_34_34"><span class="label">[34]</span></a> This is due to the coal-black stem, which gives to a
+palm tree shorn of its head the look of a tumble-down smoke-grimed
+chimney. Unshorn, leaning to the wind, it is the most graceful thing
+in the world, especially seen against the setting sun.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_35_35" id="Footnote_35_35"></a><a href="#FNanchor_35_35"><span class="label">[35]</span></a> The great jewel on Wishnu's breast.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_36_36" id="Footnote_36_36"></a><a href="#FNanchor_36_36"><span class="label">[36]</span></a> Literally, with a <i>s&aacute;shtanganamaskara</i>: i.e. <i>with an
+obeisance made by falling prostrate with the eight corners of the
+body</i>, a form of profound reverence made as to a divinity.</p></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[143]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="III" id="III"></a>III</h2>
+
+<h2>A Story without an End</h2>
+<p>And then, Maheshwara tossed the last leaf into the air. And as it
+floated away down the stream, he said to the goddess, as she listened
+with attention: And yet he never came, as I told thee at the
+beginning. For Narasinha was beforehand with him, after all.</p>
+
+<p>And the Daughter of the Snow sat silent, looking away down the river
+after the floating leaf, until it was lost to sight. And then she said
+slowly: Why didst thou say in the beginning that T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; was the most
+extraordinary of all women, past, present, or to come? For I was
+deceived by thy encomium, expecting a woman altogether different from
+her, who was only but a specimen of her sex.</p>
+
+<p>And the Moony-crested god burst into loud laughter. And he exclaimed:
+Speak low, O Snowy One: for if thy mortal sisters overheard thee
+betraying their secrets and their cause, they would be very angry, and
+perhaps begin to curse thee as a traitor, instead of offering thee
+worship, as they all do now. What! dost thou actually<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[144]</a></span> deem her to be
+but a type of all the rest? Surely, thou must have been asleep all the
+time that I was reading, after all: since thou hast either
+misunderstood her altogether, or it may be, wilt not do her justice,
+out of jealousy: since no woman in the three worlds can ever be
+trusted to judge another fairly, treating her always as a criminal and
+a rival, and falling on her tooth and nail, especially if, like
+T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;, she sets custom at defiance, going by an independent
+standard of her own. But now, let me help thee to see how utterly
+mistaken is thy estimate of a character so rare as hardly to be
+matched in the whole of space and time for her cleverness and her
+candour and her tranquillity of soul, leaving her beauty out of the
+account, as that one element in her common to a very host of others.
+For the Creator was not such a bungler as to confine all feminine
+beauty to a single instance, but scattered it universally, since
+almost every woman in the world, no matter what her face be like,
+shares in the wonderful fascination exerted over men by the shape
+essential to her sex, which is far the most important thing of all,
+being general instead of special, as every woman seen dimly in the
+dark, or at a distance, or with her face hidden by a veil, will prove,
+being then above all most attractive when her face cannot be seen at
+all: as the story that I told thee of the ugly lady, not long ago,
+shows, if thou hast not forgotten it.<a name="FNanchor_37_37" id="FNanchor_37_37"></a><a href="#Footnote_37_37" class="fnanchor">[37]</a> Whereas the thing special to
+T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[145]</a></span>was her incomparable soul, in which were mingled elements
+hardly ever to be found combined, gentleness and strength, and
+simplicity almost naive, with subtlety beyond all comparison, and
+pride that never took offence, and superlative beauty with humility,
+and submissiveness with extreme independence of spirit, and kindness
+without weakness, and feminine sweetness of disposition with the
+intellectual vigour of a man, and his courage, and his candour, all of
+which combined with her extraordinary bodily beauty to make her a
+paragon of intoxication utterly irresistible to every male<a name="FNanchor_38_38" id="FNanchor_38_38"></a><a href="#Footnote_38_38" class="fnanchor">[38]</a> she
+came across, like a very Prakriti in a woman's form.</p>
+
+<p>And P&aacute;rwat&iacute; said: How canst thou lavish such praise on a woman so
+deservedly slain by her infuriated lover, when he suddenly awoke to
+the discovery of the real nature behind the mask?</p>
+
+<p>And the great god laughed again, and he looked at her shrewdly and he
+said: Aha! Snowy One, said I not that thou wert asleep as I read? I
+shall have to repeat to thee the story all over again another time.
+Dost thou actually not see that all she said, from beginning to end,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[146]</a></span>was absolutely true? For Shatrunjaya told the whole story very well,
+as he understood it; but he did not understand completely, and made a
+terrible error in the most important point of all, being led astray by
+what he had heard, and easily taken in. For blinded by his rage
+against his rival Narasinha, he came suddenly to the wrong conclusion,
+and slew her by mistake, never so much as giving her time for any
+explanation. For her eyes never wavered, as he thought, for guilt, but
+for quite another reason. And Narasinha really was, exactly as she
+said, her tyrant, nor had she anything to do with his assassination of
+her lovers, which he committed all on his own account, out of
+jealousy, paying no attention at all to her intercession. But in her
+gentleness, she shrank from the very idea of any violence, and this
+was the true cause of the wavering of her eyes, foreseeing as she did
+another attempt on Shatrunjaya, which she could not avert. And my
+heart was grieved at her death at the hands of a lover whose life she
+had saved, and would have saved again if she could. For she was worth
+far more than he.</p>
+
+<p>And the Daughter of the Snow said: But what was she doing with such a
+multitude of lovers at all?</p>
+
+<p>And Maheshwara said: Thou art like Shatrunjaya himself, biased against
+her by the insinuations of Harid&aacute;sa, and the discreditable behaviour
+of that little liar Chaturik&aacute;, who betrayed her as well as others, and
+by the idle talk of the people, which she rightly compared herself to
+the croaking of so many frogs. For low<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[147]</a></span> people always put the very
+worst interpretation upon the actions of kings, and especially of
+queens, of whom all the time they know less than nothing, exactly as
+she said. And Shatrunjaya's opinion of her wavered, in spite of all
+his worship, being coloured by the scandal that he heard, so that he
+saw her through its mist, as strangers always do. And if she had too
+many lovers, it was all the fault of the Creator, who endowed her with
+such fascination, combined with the kindness of her heart: since she
+blamed herself for their misery, and could not bear to send them away
+without making them as it were some reparation for her crime of being
+beautiful beyond all resistance. And this was her only fault.</p>
+
+<p>Then said the Mountain-born, with emphasis: I hate her: for a woman
+should confine herself to one.</p>
+
+<p>And Maheshwara said, looking at her with affection: Ah! Snowy One,
+thou art right, and thou art wrong. For not every woman is a
+counterpart of thee. And moreover, to be rigidly inaccessible<a name="FNanchor_39_39" id="FNanchor_39_39"></a><a href="#Footnote_39_39" class="fnanchor">[39]</a> is
+terribly hard, when a woman is as she was, a very incarnation of
+bewildering intoxication, and kind into the bargain. For then she
+resembles a fortress, besieged night and day and mined everlastingly
+by innumerable hosts absolutely determined to get in; and sleepless
+indeed must be the garrison that guards it; and often it yields of
+sheer weariness and fatigue, unable any longer to endure the strain.
+And T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; was absolutely right when she said that her lovers drove
+her, against her <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[148]</a></span>inclination, into the reputation of a lady of many
+lovers, since they were all so infatuated by the very sight of her
+that they never let her alone. For love that really finds its object
+will face ten thousand deaths to reach it, and is very hard to repel.
+And it laughs in utter scorn at arguments, and bribes, and barriers,
+and dangers, and refusals, bent with a burning heart upon one thing
+only, to reach its goal, dead or alive, no matter which. And when a
+woman is an incarnation of that object, she moves the whole world with
+her little finger, and is fatal, and raised into a category above all
+ordinary rules. And T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; was moreover in a peculiar position, for
+her husband had thrown her away of his own accord, so that she
+actually belonged to nobody but herself, and injured herself alone, if
+she could not always help yielding when a lover pushed her terribly
+hard, by touching her heart like Shatrunjaya in the matter of his
+dream. And very few indeed are the women who would not have done the
+same, for he was a great musician, and a man among men, and very
+young. And very rare indeed is the woman who is qualified to censure
+her. For most women keep their wheel upon the track, either because
+nobody ever tries to make them leave it, or simply for fear, either of
+being punished, or of other women's tongues. And not one in a crore
+could have resisted half the pressure that T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; had to bear, for
+the very greatest of a winning woman's charms is exactly the one which
+she possessed in supreme perfection, her soft and delicious
+willingness to oblige and please, and place all the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[149]</a></span> sweetness of her
+personality at the absolute disposal of her lover, as Shatrunjaya
+understood at the very first sight of her: a thing so utterly
+irresistible, that when it is combined, as it was in her, with
+intelligence masculine in its quality, its owner sweeps away every
+man's reason like a chip in a flood. And there was a special reason
+for T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute;'s intelligence.</p>
+
+<p>And the goddess said: What was the reason? And the Moony-crested god
+said: It was the necessary consequence of the actions of a former
+birth. For in the birth before, she was a man, doomed by <i>gati</i><a name="FNanchor_40_40" id="FNanchor_40_40"></a><a href="#Footnote_40_40" class="fnanchor">[40]</a> to
+become a woman in the next, by reason of a sin. And she said again:
+What sin? Then said Maheshwara: Ask me another time, O thou cajoler:
+for it is a long story, and now I have no more leisure: since I must
+go and bestow the favour of my presence on a ceremony performed by a
+pious devotee who has built me a new temple at W&aacute;r&aacute;nasi. And canst
+thou guess who it is?</p>
+
+<p>And the Daughter of the Snow said: How in the world can I guess his
+name, of whom I never heard before?</p>
+
+<p>And the Moony-crested god said: It is not a he, but a she: being no
+other than T&aacute;r&aacute;wal&iacute; herself, in yet another birth. And she is still
+only a woman, for she has not yet succeeded in raising herself by
+merit into the condition of a man. And it may be long before she
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[150]</a></span>succeeds. For it is easy to sink, but it is hard for any creature to
+rise into a status of being superior to its own, and the women who
+emerge into manhood are very rare. For the goodness that is synonymous
+with real existence<a name="FNanchor_41_41" id="FNanchor_41_41"></a><a href="#Footnote_41_41" class="fnanchor">[41]</a> is only to be found in those who have behind
+them the accumulated effort and desert of ages, standing on a peak
+loftier by far than any of thy father's snowy summits, which cannot be
+attained in any single birth by no matter what exertions or
+austerities. But when once any being has attained it, emancipation
+dawns, touching it into colour more beautiful by far than any tints
+the rising sun has ever thrown on newly fallen mountain snow.</p>
+
+<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_37_37" id="Footnote_37_37"></a><a href="#FNanchor_37_37"><span class="label">[37]</span></a> A very beautiful story in the MS., which has not yet
+seen the light. The opinion of the deity is corroborated by that very
+clever woman, Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, who says in one of her
+letters from Constantinople that if women went without clothes, the
+face would hardly count at all. Nearly all of them would gain
+immensely by wearing a permanent veil, but the pretty ones would never
+consent to it.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_38_38" id="Footnote_38_38"></a><a href="#FNanchor_38_38"><span class="label">[38]</span></a> Purusha is the philosophical term for the Primordial
+Male, of which Prakriti is the female antithesis. The god is combining
+Goethe and Swinburne: the "eternal feminine" and the "holy spirit of
+man."</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_39_39" id="Footnote_39_39"></a><a href="#FNanchor_39_39"><span class="label">[39]</span></a> See note <i>ante</i>, p. 47.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_40_40" id="Footnote_40_40"></a><a href="#FNanchor_40_40"><span class="label">[40]</span></a> A very short word for a very long process, and
+untranslatable by any English equivalent. It means the whole system of
+the laws of metempsychosis, running in a long chain forward into the
+future, and back into the past.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_41_41" id="Footnote_41_41"></a><a href="#FNanchor_41_41"><span class="label">[41]</span></a> That is, <i>sat</i> or <i>sattwa</i> = goodness, or true being.</p></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+
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@@ -0,0 +1,4389 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Substance of a Dream , by F. W. Bain
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: The Substance of a Dream 
+
+
+Author: F. W. Bain
+
+
+
+Release Date: March 29, 2007  [eBook #20935]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SUBSTANCE OF A DREAM ***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Thierry Alberto, Sankar Viswanathan, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+THE SUBSTANCE OF A DREAM
+
+Translated from the Original Manuscript
+
+by
+
+F. W. BAIN
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                 _Mix, with sunset's fleeting glow,
+                 Kiss of friend, and stab of foe,
+                 Ooze of moon, and foam of brine,
+                 Noose of Thug, and creeper's twine,
+                 Hottest flame, and coldest ash,
+                 Priceless gems, and poorest trash;
+                 Throw away the solid part,
+                 And behold--a woman's heart._
+
+                                       NIDRADARPANA
+
+
+
+
+
+Methuen & Co. Ltd.
+36 Essex Street W.C.
+London
+Second Edition
+First Published . October 16th 1919
+Second Edition ... 1919
+
+
+
+
+
+
+DEDICATED
+
+to
+
+THE INEXPRESSIBLY GENTLE GENIUS
+
+of
+
+MY OWN MOTHER
+
+
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+
+I could almost persuade myself, that others will like this little
+fable as much as I do: so curiously simple, and yet so strangely
+profound is its delicate epitome of the old old story, the course of
+true love, which never did run smooth.
+
+And since so many people have asked me questions as to the origin of
+these stories, I will say a word on the point here. Where do they come
+from? I do not know. I discovered only the other day that some believe
+them to have been written by a woman. That appears to me to be
+improbable. But who writes them? I cannot tell. They come to me, one
+by one, suddenly, like a flash of lightning, all together: I see them
+in the air before me, like a little Bayeux tapestry, complete, from
+end to end, and write them down, hardly lifting the pen from the
+paper, straight off "from the MS." I never know, the day before, when
+one is coming: it arrives, as if shot out of a pistol. Who can tell?
+They may be all but so many reminiscences of a former birth.
+
+The _Substance of a Dream_ is half a love-story, and half a fairy
+tale: as indeed every love-story is a fairy tale. Because, although
+that unaccountable mystery, the mutual attraction of the sexes, is the
+very essence of life, and everything else merely accidental or
+accessory, yet only too often in the jostle of the world, in the
+trough and tossing of the waves of time, the accidental smothers the
+essential, and life turns into a commonplace instead of a romance. And
+so, like every other story, this little story will perhaps be very
+differently judged, according to the reader's sex. The bearded critic
+will see it with eyes very different from those with which it may be
+viewed by the fair voter with no beard upon her chin; for women, as
+the great god says at the end, have scant mercy on their own sex, and
+the heroine of the story is a strange heroine, an enigmatical Mona
+Lisa, so to say, who will not appeal to everybody so strongly as she
+does to the Moony-crested Deity, when he sums her up at the close. I
+venture, with humility, to concur in the opinion of the Deity, for she
+holds me under the same spell as her innumerable other lovers. The
+reader, a more formidable authority even than the god, must decide:
+only I must warn him that to understand, he must go to the very end.
+He will not think his time wasted, if he take half the delight in
+reading, as I did, in transcribing, the evidence in the case. Only,
+moreover, when he closes the book will he appreciate the mingled
+exactitude and beauty of its name: for no story ever had a name which
+fitted it with such curious precision as this one. For the essence of
+a dream is always that along with its weird beauty, it counters
+expectation, often in such queer, ludicrous, kaleidoscopic ways. So it
+is, here.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Many bitter things, since the beginning, have men said of women,
+though neither so many nor so bitter, as the witty Frenchman cynically
+remarks, as the things women have said of one another. Poor Eve has
+paid very dear for that apple: the only wonder is, that she was not
+made responsible also for the Flood: but we have not got the whole of
+that story: Noah's wife may have dropped some incriminating documents
+into the water, for the Higher Criticism to unearth by and by: the
+Eternal Feminine may have had a hand in it after all, as she is
+generally to be found somewhere behind the scenes, wherever mischief
+brews for mortal man. She comes down the ages, loaded with
+accusations; and yet, somehow or other, they do not seem to have done
+her much harm. And the reason is, that she possesses, in supreme
+perfection, the art of disarming her antagonist, having been very
+cunningly constructed by the Creator for that very purpose: she is
+like a cork; she will not drown, under any flood of charges: she
+floats, _quand meme_: (two words that she might very well take, like
+the inimitable Sarah, for her motto:) so that, be as angry as you
+please with her, you generally find yourself not only unable to
+condemn her, but even ready to beg her pardon, and rather glad, on the
+whole, to get it. It is a hopeless case. And all the more, because no
+woman ever lived, bad or good, who could be got to understand what is
+meant by "playing cricket": you cannot make her keep the rules in any
+game: she plays to win, like a German, and invariably cheats, if she
+can: international law counts, only as long as it is for and not
+against her: if you find her out, and scold her, she pouts, and will
+not play. And then, if, as is commonly the situation, you want her to
+play, very badly, what are you to do? Yes, it is a hopeless case.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+And yet, if we look into the matter with that stern impartiality which
+its public importance demands, we may perceive, that though there is,
+it must be candidly owned, an element of truth in the charges brought
+against her, they are founded, for all that, largely on
+misunderstanding. It is man himself, her accuser, who is very nearly
+always to blame. His intelligence as compared with her own, is clumsy:
+(it is the difference between the dog and the cat:) he does not
+realise the unfathomable gulf that divides her nature from his own,
+and for lack of imaginative tact, judging her by himself, he
+enormously overestimates the part played by reason in her behaviour.
+Hence when, as she is always doing, she lets him down, he breaks out,
+(obtusely) into denunciation and reproach, taking it for granted, that
+what she did, she did, deliberately. But that is his mistake. Women
+never act by deliberation, least of all in their relations with men.
+Reason has hardly anything to do with it. A woman is a weapon,
+designed by the Creator, who generally knows what he is doing, to
+fascinate the other sex: that is her essence and her _raison d'etre_:
+the woman who does not do it is a failure, and she is Nature's triumph
+and entelechy, who does it best. And this every woman knows, by
+instinct, and feels, long before she knows it, almost as soon as she
+can stand upon her feet: consequently, no artificially elaborated
+compliment, no calculated flattery, ever touches her so near, as it
+does, when she perceives that her personality _tells_, acts like a
+charm, on any given man: a point about which no woman ever blunders,
+as a man often so ridiculously does about himself: she invariably
+detects, by unerring instinct, when her arrow hits its mark. And this
+involuntary homage she finds so irresistibly delectable, going as it
+does down to the very depths of her being, and endorsing it, that she
+literally _cannot_ deny herself the pleasure of basking in it, making
+hay, so to say, while her sun shines, revelling in the consciousness
+of her power all the more delicious because she knows only too well
+that she must lose it later on, as youth flies: old age, _i.e._ the
+loss of her charm, being every woman's ogre, the skeleton in her
+cupboard, which she dreads far more than death, just as the only
+disease which she shudders to face is the smallpox, for a similar
+reason. And so, when she finds her spell working, she lets herself go:
+never dreaming what interpretation her victim puts on her behaviour:
+and then, all at once, she awakes to discover with what fire she was
+ignorantly playing. And then it is, that she recoils, on the verge:
+and then it is, that thwarted in the very moment that he deemed
+triumph secured, the baffled lover falls into fury and abuse, because
+he imagines her to have been all along clearly aware of what she was
+about, which is exactly what hardly one woman in a million does. Not
+being a man, she does not understand: her end is only his beginning:
+his object is possession, still to come: hers is already gained in the
+form of the tribute to her charm: she was only playing (every woman is
+a child), he was in deadly earnest, and took her purely instinctive
+self-congratulation for a promise deliberately made. Suddenly
+illuminated, she lets him down abruptly with a bump, all the harder
+that she never meant to do it (the _coquette_ does: but she is a
+horrible professional, methodising feminine instinct, for prey: a
+psychological ghoul, feeding on souls instead of bodies, and deserving
+extermination without benefit of clergy). The real crime of woman is
+not so much a crime as a defect: she is weak, as all the sages know,
+and all languages prove, though "democracy" ignores it; it is her
+strength, and half her charm, that she cannot stand alone, like a
+creeper. But that is why you cannot depend on her, good or bad.
+Irresolution is her essence: she will "determine" one way, and act in
+another, according to the pressure. Instinct, inclination or aversion,
+vanity, emotion, pity or fear, or even mere chance: these are her
+motives, the forces that move her: reason counts with her for
+absolutely nothing, a thing like arithmetic, useful, even
+indispensable, but only for adding up a grocer's bill, or catching a
+train. It has literally nothing to do with her heart. There is no
+folly like the folly of supposing that it has: yet on this folly rest
+most of the accusations against her. Reduce her to a rational being,
+and you degrade her to the level of an inferior man. But she is not
+his inferior: she is his dream, his magnet, his force, his
+inspiration, and his fate. Take her away, and you annihilate him:
+Othello's occupation's gone. Nine-tenths of the great things done in
+the world have been done for a woman. Why? Exactly because she would
+burn down a street to boil her baby's milk. No rational being would do
+that: but we all owe our lives to it.
+
+And hence, misogyny is only a pique. To fall foul of the sea, like
+Xerxes, when it wrecks your ambitions, is to behave as he did, like a
+spoiled child, without the child's excuse. "If you burn your fingers,
+is the flame to blame?" You should have known better. When Aristotle
+was reproved, by some early political economist, for giving alms to a
+beggar, he replied: I gave not to the man, but humanity. Admirable
+retort! which is exactly in point here. When she requited your homage
+with such encouraging smiles, it was not _you_ but the man in you,
+that appealed to her. And because you are _a_ man, are you necessarily
+_the_ man? Not at all. And argument is mere waste of time: reason is
+not the court of appeal. _If of herself she will not love, nothing
+can make her._ Yet why draw the poet's ungallant conclusion? Why
+should _the devil take her_? Because she was weak (were _you_ not
+weak?) is she therefore to be damned beyond redemption? Because
+flattery was sweet, must she give herself away to every male animal
+that confesses the spell? Surely that is not only harsh, but
+preposterous, even outrageous. Are you sure that your merit is worthy
+of such generosity?
+
+And yet, here is the human catastrophe. Why did the Creator scatter
+his sexual attraction so anomalously that it is so rarely
+reciprocated, each lover pursuing so often another who flies him for a
+third, as in _Midsummer Night's Dream_, an imbroglio oddly enough
+found in a little poem identical in the Greek Moschus and the Hindoo
+Bhartrihari? Was it blunder or design? Why could he not have made
+action and reaction equal and opposite, as they are in mechanics? For
+if affection could not operate at all, unless it was mutual, there
+would be no unhappy, because ill-assorted, marriages. What a
+difference it would have made! Had mutual gravitation been the law of
+the sexes, as it is of the spheres, this Earth would never have stood
+in need of a Heaven, since it would have existed already: for the only
+earthly heaven is a happy marriage. As it is, even when it is not a
+Hell, a marriage is only too often but an everlasting sigh.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+And not marriage only, but life. For here lies the solution of a
+mystery that has baffled the sages, who have failed to discover it
+chiefly because they have blinded themselves by their own theological
+and philosophical delusions, idealism and monotheism. Why is it, that
+gazing at Nature's inexhaustible beauty, thrown at us with such lavish
+profusion in her dawns and her sunsets, her shadows and her moods, in
+the roar of her breakers and the silence of her snows, the gloom of
+her thunder and the spirit of her hills, the blue of her distance and
+the tints of her autumns, the glory of her blossom and the dignity of
+her decay, her heights and her abysses, her fury and her peace--why is
+it, that as we gaze insatiably at these never ending miracles, we are
+haunted by so unaccountable a sadness, which is not in the things
+themselves, for Nature never mourns, but in some element that we
+ourselves import? For if the Soul be only Nature's mirror, her
+looking-glass, whence the melancholy? It is because beneath our
+surface consciousness, far away down below, in the dark organic depths
+that underlie it, we feel without clearly understanding that, as the
+Hindoos put it, we have missed the fruit of our existence, owing to
+our never having found our other half. For every one of us, so far
+from being a self-sufficient whole, an independent unity, is
+incomplete, requiring for its metaphysical satisfaction, its
+complement, apart from which it never can attain that peace which
+passeth all understanding, for which it longs obscurely, and must ever
+be uneasy, till it finds it. For just as no misfortunes whatever can
+avail to mar the bliss of the man who has beside him the absolute
+sympathy of his feminine ideal, so on the other hand no worldly
+success of any kind can compensate for its absence. All particular
+causes of happiness or misery are swallowed up and sink into
+insignificance and nullity compared with this: this present, they
+disappear: this absent, each alone is sufficient to wreck the soul,
+fluttering about without rudder or ballast on the waves of the world.
+Duality is the root, out of which alone, for mortals, happiness can
+spring. And the old Hindoo mythology, which is far deeper in its
+simplicity than the later idealistic pessimism, expresses this
+beautifully by giving to every god his other half; the supreme
+instance of which dualism is the divine Pair, the Moony-crested god
+and his inseparable other half, the Daughter of the Snow: so
+organically symbolised that they coalesce indistinguishably into one:
+the _Arddanari_, the Being half Male half Female, He whose left half
+is his wife. That is the true ideal: cut in two, and destroyed, by the
+dismal inhuman monotheism of later sophistical speculation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was long before I understood this: the solution came to me
+suddenly, of its own accord, as all profound solutions always come,
+apparently by accident: like a "fluke" in a game of skill, where often
+unskilfulness unintentionally does something that could not be
+achieved by any degree of skill whatever, short of the divine.[1] And
+the two things that combined to produce my spark of illumination were,
+as it so fell out, the two things that mean most to me, a sunset and a
+child. The child was looking at the sunset, and I was looking at the
+child. Some readers of these stories have been introduced to her
+before, and will be obliged to me for renewing the acquaintance, as
+they would be to the postman who brought them news of an old friend.
+
+The sunset was like every other sunset, the garment of a dying deity,
+and a gift of god: but it had a special peculiarity of its own, and it
+was this strange peculiarity that arrested the attention of the child.
+For children are little animals, _terram spectantia_, taking sunsets
+and other commonplaces such as mother, father, home, furniture and
+carpets, generally for granted, being as a rule absorbed in the great
+things of life, that is, play. This child was very diligently blowing
+bubbles, occasionally turning aside up a by-path to make a
+bubble-pudding in the soap-dish: the ruckling noise of this operation
+possessing some magical fascination for all childhood. And in the
+meanwhile, yellow dusk was gradually deepening in the quiet air.
+Presently the tired sun sank like a weight, red-hot, burning his way
+down through filmy layers of Indian ink. The day had been rainy, but
+the clouds had all dissolved imperceptibly away into a broken chain of
+veils of mist, which looked with the sun behind them like dropping
+showers of liquid gold, or copper-coloured waterfalls: while
+underneath or through them the lines of low blue hills showed now half
+obscured, now clear and sharp in outline as if cut with scissors out
+of paper and stuck upon the amber background of the sky. And then came
+the miracle. Right across the horizon, a little higher than the sun, a
+long thin bar of cloud suddenly changed colour, becoming rich dark
+purple, and all along its jagged upper edge the light shot out in one
+continuous sheet of bright glory to the zenith, while below there
+poured from the bar a long cascade, a very Niagara of golden mist and
+rain, as if the flood-gates of some celestial dam had suddenly given
+way, and all the precious stuff were escaping in a cataract through
+the rift, in one gigantic plunge, to be lost for ever in some
+bottomless abyss.
+
+Suddenly, the dead silence struck me: my ear missed the "ruckle," and
+the occasional exclamations of delight. I turned abruptly, and glanced
+at the child. She was standing still as a stone, with one hand just in
+front of her holding the forgotten pipe, arrested on the way to her
+mouth, as the heavenly vision struck her: rapt, lost in her eyes,
+which were filled with wonder to the brim, open-mouthed, entranced,
+with a smile on her lips of which she was totally unconscious, faint,
+involuntary, seraphic, indescribable. The ecstasy of union had
+swallowed her: she was gone. I called her by her name: she never
+heard: her soul was away at the golden gates.
+
+And I said to myself, as I gazed at her with intense curiosity, mixed
+with regret that I was not Raffael, so marvellous was the picture:
+This, this is the wisdom of the sages, the secret of Plotinus and the
+Buddhists: this is Nirwana, Moksha, Yoga, the unattainable ecstasy of
+bliss, the absolute fruition, which men call by many names: the end
+towards which the adult strives, in vain, to recover what he lost by
+ceasing to be a child: a child, which is sexless, knowing as yet
+nothing of the esoteric dissatisfaction of the soul that wants and
+has not found. Aye! to reach the mystic union, the absolute extinction
+of the Knower in the All; to lose one's Self in Infinity, without a
+remnant of regret; to attain to the unattainable, the point of
+self-annihilation where all distinction between subject and object,
+something and nothing, disappears, it is necessary to be a child: to
+be born again. _Rebirth_! the key to the enigma of unhappiness lies
+there!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+And after a while, as I watched her, she came back to herself. Our
+eyes met: and she looked at me long, with a far-off expression that I
+could not define. And at last, she gave a little sigh. Daddy, she
+said, why does the golden rain never fall here? Our rain is always
+only common rain.
+
+And I said solemnly: Little girls are the reason why. But she didn't
+understand. She looked at me reproachfully with puzzled eyes--such
+great, grey, beautiful, sea-green eyes!--and then drew a long breath.
+And she went back to her bubbles, and together we watched them go as
+they floated away into the valley, wild with excitement as to whether
+my bubble or her bubble would go farthest before it burst--till the
+Rhadamanthine summons came, and the Bubble-Blower went to bed.
+
+_Poona_, 1919.
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[Footnote 1: _O quantum est subitis casibus ingenium!_ an exquisite
+line of Martial which ought to be posted on a board on every
+putting-green.]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+I.       ON THE BANKS OF GANGES
+
+II.      THE HEART OF A WOMAN
+
+III.     A STORY WITHOUT AN END
+
+
+
+_The Vignette I owe to the artistic genius of my friend, Arthur
+Hight._
+
+
+
+
+
+
+I
+
+On the Banks of Ganges
+
+BENEDICTION
+
+_What! the Digit of the Moon on his brow, Ganga in his hair, and Gauri
+on his knee, and yet proof against all Love's arrows! O wonder of
+wonders! who but the greatest of all the gods would not have melted
+long ago, like butter between three fires?_[2]
+
+Now, long ago, it happened, that Parwati was left alone on Kailas for
+a little while, as she waited for the Lord of the Moony Tire. And
+having nothing else to do, she amused herself by building an elephant
+of snow, with large ears and a little tail, made of a yak's hair. And
+when it was finished, she was so delighted with her toy, that she
+began to clap her hands: and then, not being able to endure waiting,
+she went off with impatience to fetch the Moony-crested god, to show
+him what she had done, and revel in his applause. And the moment that
+her back was turned, Nandi[3] happened to come along: and just as he
+reached the elephant, which owing to his abstraction he never noticed,
+taking it for a mere hump, formed at random by the snowdrifts, he was
+suddenly seized with an irresistible desire to roll. And so, over he
+rolled, and went from side to side, throwing up his legs into the air.
+And as luck would have it, exactly at that very moment the Daughter of
+the Snow returned, pulling Maheshwara along eagerly by the hand. And
+she looked and saw Nandi, rolling about on the flat snow just where
+she had left her elephant, which was gone. And she uttered a loud cry,
+and stood, aghast with rage and disappointment. And she opened her
+mouth to curse the author of the mischief, and was on the very verge
+of saying: Sink into a lower birth, thou insolent destroyer! when
+Maheshwara stopped her in the very act, guessing her intention, by
+putting his hand upon her mouth.[4] And he exclaimed: Say nothing
+rash, O angry one, for Nandi did not do it on purpose, after all. And
+a good servant does not deserve cursing, for an accidental blunder.
+
+And then, Parwati burst into tears. And she exclaimed: Out of my
+sight, thou clumsy one! for I cannot bear to see thee. And she turned
+away, sobbing. And Maheshwara looked at her out of the corner of his
+eye, and he said to himself: Now, then, I must do something to console
+her for the elephant, and bring back her good humour. For ill humour
+in a woman spoils all. And presently he said: Come now, enough! for
+Nandi has gone off in disgrace, sufficiently punished by banishment
+for a time, and very sad to have been the unwitting cause of thy
+distress. And let us roam about awhile, in search of something new,
+that may help to obliterate recollection, and change thy gloom into a
+smile.
+
+And he took the goddess in his arms, and set her as she sobbed upon
+his knee, and rose from the peak of Kailas, and shot like a falling
+star down into the plain below. And coming to Haradwara, where Ganga
+issues from the hills, he began to follow the holy stream down its
+course, gliding along just above it like a cloud that was unable to
+refrain from watching its own beautiful reflection in the blue mirror
+of her wave. And so they went, until at last they reached an island
+that was nothing but a sandbank in the very middle of the river,
+covered with crocodiles lying basking in the sun. And then he said:
+See! we will go down, and rest awhile among the crocodiles on this
+sand, whose banks resemble nothing so much as the outline of thy own
+graceful limbs. And Uma said tearfully: Pish! what do I care for
+crocodiles, that sit for hours never even moving, like a _yogi_ in a
+trance?
+
+Then said the cunning god: None the less, we will go down: for it may
+be that the island contains something besides its crocodiles. And as
+they settled on it, he said again: Did I not say we should find
+something? for yonder it lies, and it is a very great curiosity
+indeed. And now, canst thou tell me what it is?
+
+And she looked at it with scrutiny, and presently she said: I can tell
+this only, that it must have been in the water for a very long time,
+before it was washed up at last upon this bank by the river's flood:
+since it is but a shapeless lump, covered with sand and rust and dirt.
+Who but thyself could even guess what it might be? And Maheshwara
+said: It has had a very long journey, and been not only in the river,
+but in a crocodile too. For crocodiles swallow everything. And long
+ago, this was carried by a man, who was drowned in another stream by
+the upsetting of his boat, and became with all he carried the prey of
+an old crocodile, which died long ago, and rotted away, letting this
+at last escape out of its tomb, and roll along, till at last it got
+into the Ganges, and was thrown up here in the rainy season, only the
+other day. And when at last the water sank, lo! there it lay, as it
+has lain until this moment, as if expecting thy arrival, to provide
+thee with entertainment. And when all is over, thou wilt very likely
+bless Nandi, instead of cursing him; since but for his awkwardness in
+rolling on thy elephant, thou wouldst never have known anything about
+it.
+
+And Parwati said peevishly: Where is the entertainment in this
+foolish lump of flotsam, of which thou hast related the adventures
+without ever saying what it is?
+
+And the Moony-crested god said: Aha! Snowy One, do not be too sure.
+For many things hold in their heart things not to be anticipated,
+judging by their outside: and this lump which thou despisest is like a
+coco-nut, whose coarse skin is full of nectar. But it has been shut so
+long, that it would not easily be opened by anyone but me.[5] And he
+touched it with his foot, saying, Open, and it opened like a shell.
+And he said: See! it has in it a very strange kernel, preserved safe
+and sound only because all its adventures added to its case, sheath
+after sheath. And all the leaves are still there, a very little
+mouldy, and the silk that tied them, and the seal. And the goddess
+said: But what is it after all? And Maheshwara said: It is a case of
+urgency, that all came to nothing in the end, being a letter that
+never even reached its destination, because the sender was in so great
+a hurry that he defeated his own object, bidding his messenger go so
+fast that in his haste his boat turned over, and he and his message
+were eaten on their way by a river beast. For those who go too fast
+often go so slow as never to arrive at all, as was the case here. Then
+said Uma: He that sent it must have been a fool. And Maheshwara said!
+Nay, O Snowy One, not at all: far from it: and yet he became, as many
+do, a fool for the occasion, under the influence of passion, which
+blinds the eyes, and shuts up the ears, and twists the whole
+character awry, so that it acts in a manner contrary to itself, as if
+the man had been suddenly changed into another, or his body entered by
+a Wetala, in the temporary absence of his soul.
+
+And Parwati said: What was the passion here? And the Moony-crested god
+said slowly: It was a threefold cord, and very strong: love, and love
+turned by intense disappointment into hatred, and rage against a
+rival: each by itself alone enough to turn reason into madness. But
+the whole story is told, by its hero himself, in the very letter: and
+if thou wilt, I will read it aloud to thee, exactly as he wrote it,
+word for word. And the goddess said: Thou knowest all: why not tell it
+in thy own way, without the trouble of reading? And Maheshwara said:
+Nay, on the contrary, it is far better to let him tell it for himself:
+for who knew everything better than he did? And moreover, every story
+told by a stranger is imperfect, since he is obliged to fill up the
+gaps in his knowledge by imagination or conjecture: whereas, when the
+actor in it all is himself the narrator, it is the very truth itself,
+unless he expressly desires to conceal it, which is not the case here.
+For he was very anxious indeed to tell his enemy everything, on
+purpose to offend him: and he only made one mistake, which I will show
+thee in due time. So I will read it exactly as it stands, omitting
+absolutely nothing. And the Daughter of the Snow said: Read. But she
+thought: If it is not worth hearing, I will simply go to sleep as he
+reads. And Maheshwara said: Nay, O Snowy One, I will guarantee that
+thou dost not go to sleep.
+
+And then, the goddess suddenly threw her arms about his neck, and hid
+her face on his breast. And she said: What is the use of trying to
+hide anything at all from thee? Read. But for all that, I will go to
+sleep, if I choose. And the Moony-crested god said with a smile: Aye!
+but thou wilt not choose.
+
+And then he began to read, throwing away the leaves as they ended, one
+by one into the stream, which carried them away. And the crocodiles
+all lay round him in a circle, worshipping their Lord, as he read.
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[Footnote 2: Maheshwara is the ascetic _par excellence_, who punished
+Love for trying to tempt him by burning him up like a moth with a
+fiery glance from his third eye. And yet for all that, the Master Yogi
+was not always proof against feminine fascination: he might be chaste
+as ice, yet he has not escaped scandal.]
+
+[Footnote 3: Nandi is the divine Bull, on which, or whom, the Great
+God rides.]
+
+[Footnote 4: Had the awful words passed her lips, Nandi was a doomed
+bull, as a curse once uttered is irrevocable.]
+
+[Footnote 5: Because he is the Lord of Creatures animate or inanimate,
+which all obey him.]
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+The heart of a Woman
+
+I
+
+
+As the black cobra sits up, and puffs his hood, and hisses, giving
+warning to his prey, ere he strikes: so I, Shatrunjaya[6] the
+lute-player, son of a king, do send this my menace to thee, Narasinha,
+the lover of a queen too good for so vile a thing as thou art: that
+none hereafter may be able to say, I struck thee unwarned, or took
+thee unawares. Know, that night doth not more surely or more swiftly
+follow day, than I and my vengeance will follow on the messenger who
+carries this threat: whom I have bidden to reach thee with his utmost
+speed, so as to allay my thirst for thy life; since every day that I
+wait seems to me longer than a _yuga_. And I will slay thee with no
+other weapon than my two bare hands--
+
+And suddenly, the great god stopped, and he laughed aloud. And he
+exclaimed: See now, how this poor lute-player deceived himself! For
+his message not only never reached his enemy at all, but almost as
+soon as it had left him, he was himself slain by the emissaries of the
+very man he meant to kill, who never sent him any warning at all, but
+took him unawares, and slew him, escaping by anticipation the fate
+that was in store for himself, without even knowing anything of all
+that this letter would have taught him, and so far from dying, living
+to a very great age. And this instance shows, that the most dangerous
+of enemies is the one that never threatens till he actually strikes,
+resembling not the cobra, but the adder, as Shatrunjaya discovered to
+his cost, too late.[7]
+
+And the Daughter of the Snow exclaimed, in wrath: Why hast thou
+stopped, to tell me the end of the story, before even reaching the
+beginning?
+
+And Maheshwara said: Aha! Snowy One, thou art not yet, as it seems,
+asleep. Many are the beginnings that never reach an end: but it will
+do this story no harm at all, to begin with the end, since all the
+essence of it lies in the middle, and as thou wilt find, it ends in
+the middle, and yet never ends, even when it is done.
+
+What I have told thee does not matter in the least; what matters is
+the Queen, for she was the most extraordinary of all women, past,
+present, or to come.
+
+And Parwati said: Let the letter speak for itself: and if thou hast
+anything to say, keep it for the end. For nothing is more unendurable
+than a commentary upon a text which is unknown.
+
+
+II
+
+And Maheshwara said: Thus the letter continues:--for there is not room
+in one world for us both. And well thou knowest the reason why. For
+the Queen told me, the very last time that I saw her, that it would be
+the very last time, as indeed it was. And when I asked why she would
+see me no more, she said, that thine was the order, to send me away.
+Dog! was she thine to command, or was I? And yet, I knew very well, it
+was all thy doing, before ever she told me. For never would she have
+behaved as she did, had she not been pushed from behind: and the very
+first time that we met, when she told me of thee, I understood, and
+foresaw, and expected, the very thing that has happened, looking to
+find thee hiding behind her, to rid thee of a rival whom thou hadst
+not the courage openly to face. And dost thou dare to condemn me for
+doing the very same thing thou wast doing thyself? Was not my claim to
+love her as good as thy own? Or what, O cowardly dastard, does that
+man deserve, who screens himself behind the clothes of a woman to
+strike at a foe? I will answer the question, and show thee, by ocular
+proof, very soon. But now in the meantime, I will open thy eyes, and
+tell thee, from the very beginning, all that took place. And thou
+shalt learn how I stole her away from thee, in spite of thee, as
+presently I will come to rob thee also of thy life. And I will
+embitter thy life, and poison it, first: and then I will take it away.
+
+
+III
+
+And yet, strange indeed was the way that I met her. I cannot tell,
+whether it was a reward or a punishment for the deeds of a previous
+birth. For the joy of it would have been cheap, bought at the price of
+a hundred lives: and yet the sorrow is greater than the joy. And it
+happened thus. I was roaming through the world, with my lute for my
+only companion. For all men know, as thou must also, that I turned my
+back upon my hereditary kingdom, and quarrelled with all my relations,
+and left them, all for the sake of my lute. For ever since I was a
+child, I have cared for absolutely nothing but my lute, and as I
+think, I must have been a Gandharwa[8] in the birth before, since the
+sound of the tones of its strings, touched by the hand of a master
+musician, leads me like an ox that is pulled by a cord, the very
+moment I hear it, and I stand still, like one that listens with tears
+in his eyes to the memory of the voice of a friend that is dead. Ha!
+very wonderful are the influences of a forgotten birth! For I was an
+anomaly, behaving not according to my caste, which was that of a
+Rajpoot; and not music, but fighting, was my proper work, and my
+religion.[9] And it was as if my mother had been caught sleeping in
+the moonlight on the terrace of the palace in the hot season by some
+king of the Widyadharas passing by, and looking down from the air. For
+heavenly beings often fall into such temptations, and even an ascetic
+would have found it hard to laugh at the arrows of Manobhawa, coming
+in the form of such a feminine fascination as hers, lying still in the
+lunar ooze at midnight, with her head pillowed on her arm. And yet,
+for all my music, I was the tallest and strongest of all my clan, and
+a hunter, when I chose, that could bear fatigue even better than a
+Bhil.
+
+And then at last there came a day when the King my father sent for me.
+And when I came, he looked at me with approval, and he said: Thou art
+a man at last. And yet they tell me, thou dost nothing all day long
+but sit playing thy lute. Canst thou really be my son, or art thou
+some musician's brat, foisted into my son's place by some dark
+underhand intrigue, when I was looking the other way? For who ever
+heard of a Yuwaraja,[10] destined to sit upon the throne when I have
+entered the fire, neglecting all his duties for the sake of a lute's
+strings? Come now, throw thy lute away, and leave music to the
+professionals who have nothing else to do, and apply thyself to
+policy, and the things of a king's trade. And I said: What do I care
+for a kingdom in comparison with my lute? I will not throw it away,
+no, not for a hundred kingdoms. I am a devotee of Radha's lover,[11]
+and I care nothing for any raj. Then my father flew into a rage. And
+he said: Thou shalt do, not as thou wilt, but as I will. Choose,
+between thy wretched lute, and the raj: and if thou dost not obey, I
+will turn thee off, and put thy younger brother in thy place. And I
+said: There are kings in abundance everywhere, but those who can
+really play on a lute are very few indeed. And I am one. Let who will
+be a Yuwaraja: I will choose the lute. And he said, in wrath: Be off!
+and play dirges to the memory of thy dead succession, for thou art no
+longer heir. And I laughed in his face, and went away, and got on my
+horse, and turned my back upon it all, and rode off laughing with my
+lute hanging round my neck, counting the kingdom as a straw. And
+thereafter, I wandered up and down, from place to place, living as I
+pleased, and utterly disregarding the messages that reached me nearly
+every day from my mother, who sent me bags of money and entreaties to
+return, all in vain. And my story, like my playing, went from mouth
+to mouth, and everywhere I went, the people said: Ha! there goes
+Shatrunjaya, the mad musician, who cares more for a discord than the
+loss of his hereditary raj! Ha! and if his policy were only equal to
+his playing, what a king he would have made! And what a fool he must
+be, to care for nothing in the three worlds but a lute's strings!
+
+
+IV
+
+And yet they were all wrong. For there was another thing that nobody
+knew anything about, that I cared for even more than for my lute. And
+all the while I wandered, I was looking for a thing that flew before
+me the more I kept pursuing it, like the setting of the sun. And yet
+it hung, so to say, always just before my eyes, like a picture on the
+wall, so that often I used to talk to it, as if it were alive, as I
+sat. And yet it never answered, looking back at me in silence with
+strange kind eyes, and seeming to listen to me gazing at it wistfully,
+and playing on my lute. And this was a woman, that had come to me in a
+dream. For but a little while before I quarrelled with my father, I
+was lying, on a day, at noon, when I had been following a quarry in
+the jungle till I ached with fatigue, resting on a river bank: and so
+as I lay, unawares I fell asleep. And I thought that I wandered
+through a palace that I had never seen before, till suddenly I came
+upon a terrace that stood on the very margin of a lake, that was
+filled with myriads of lotuses, all turned red by the rays of the
+setting sun, which stood never moving on the top of a low hill, as if
+it were watching me to see what I should do, before it went away. And
+there was such a strange silence that I began to be afraid, as if of
+something that was just about to happen, without knowing what. And so
+as we all stood waiting in the dusk, I and the lotuses and the sun,
+all at once I heard behind me a voice like a _kokila_, saying quietly:
+I have kept thee a long while waiting: wilt thou forgive?
+
+And I turned round, and looked, and lo! there was a lady, looking at
+me with a smile. And she was standing so absolutely still, that she
+resembled an image made of copper, for exactly like the lotuses, she
+was all red in the rays of the sun, and her dark clothing shone like
+the leaf of a palm seen at midnight in the glow of a fire. And her
+hair was massed like that of an ascetic high over her brow, and on its
+dull black cloud there shone a gem that resembled a star, shooting and
+flickering and changing colour like a diamond mixed with an opal:
+while underneath, her eyes, that resembled pools filled with dusk
+instead of water, were fixed on me as if in meditation, as if half in
+doubt as to whether I was I. And yet her lips were smiling, not as if
+they meant to smile, but just because they could not help it, driven
+by the sweetness of the soul that lay behind them to betray its secret
+unawares. And the perfect oval of the outline of her face was lifted,
+so to say, into the superlative degree of soft fascination by a faint
+suggestion of the round ripeness of a fruit in its bloom, as if the
+Creator, by some magical extra touch of his chisel, had wished to
+exclaim: See how the full loveliness of a woman surpasses the delicate
+promise of a girl! And she was rather tall, and she stood up very
+straight indeed, so straight, that my heart laughed within me as I
+looked at her, for sheer delight, so admirably upright was the poise
+of her figure, and yet so round and delicious was the curve of her
+arms and her slender waist, that rose as if with exultation into the
+glorious magnificence of her splendid breast, on which her left hand
+rested, just touching it very lightly with the tips of her fingers,
+like a wind-blown leaf lying for a moment exactly at the point of
+junction of two mounds of snow, as if to chide it very gently for
+challenging the admiration of the three worlds. And she stood with her
+weight thrown on her left foot, so that her right hip, on which her
+right hand rested, swelled out in a huge curve that ran down to her
+knee, which was bent in, and then turned outwards, ending in a little
+foot that was standing very nearly on the tip of its toe.
+
+And so as we stood, gazing at one another in dead silence, all at once
+she smiled outright, holding out both her hands. And at that very
+moment, the sun sank. And as I strove in vain to move, rooted to the
+spot like a tree, she faded away, very slowly, back again into the
+dark, growing little by little paler, till she vanished into the
+night, leaving nothing but her star, that seemed to glimmer at me from
+a great distance, low down on the very edge of a deep-red sky. And I
+strove and struggled in desperation to break the spell that held me
+chained, and suddenly I woke with a loud cry, and saw before me only
+the river, on whose bank I was lying alone.
+
+
+V
+
+Aye! then for the first time in my life, I knew what it meant, to be
+alone, which had been to me but a mere word, without any meaning at
+all. For as I sat by the river, I knew I had left my soul behind in
+the dream that had disappeared. And my heart was burning with such a
+pain that I could only breathe with great difficulty, and tears rose
+into my eyes, as it were of their own accord. And I said sadly to
+myself: Now, beyond all doubt, I have seen some feminine incarnation
+of a fallen star, and unless I can find it somewhere on earth, I shall
+lose the fruit of being born at all. So one thing only remains to do,
+and that is to look for her, and keep on looking until I find her. For
+if only I was sure, that she was absolutely beyond finding, I would
+not consent to remain in this miserable body without her, even for a
+single moment. But she must be alive somewhere, and able to be found:
+for how could such a thing as she was exist only in a dream? For
+nobody could possibly have invented her, no, not even in a dream: and
+it must be that my soul went roaming about as I slept, and actually
+caught sight of her. And if the soul could find her, then, she is
+somewhere to be found, even by the body; but alas! the body cannot
+travel so easily as the soul: since, in his haste, the Creator has
+forgotten to give wings to anything but birds. And yet, the only thing
+to do is to hunt for her incessantly, and go from place to place
+without stopping for a moment: since very certainly she will never be
+discovered if I remain here as motionless as a hill. So I must escape
+at once, on some pretence, without letting anybody know why.
+
+And as I said, I did: and this was the very reason why I broke with my
+relations, and became a vagrant instead of a king's heir. And every
+night I went to sleep yearning to dream the dream again, and yet it
+never came, though even in my sleep I seemed in every dream to be
+roaming everlastingly in jungles, and along roads that never ended,
+always on the very point of finding something that I never found. And
+strange! instead of driving me to despair, this constant failure
+actually gave me courage, for I said: If the dream had really been
+only a dream and nothing more, it would surely have returned, beyond a
+doubt: since, as a rule, dreams are only pictures in the night of what
+men think of in the day. And yet she never comes again, although I
+think of nothing else, all day long, and she was very certainly no
+picture of anything that I ever saw before. And clearly, it must be
+that my soul did actually find her, though now it has lost its way,
+and does not know how to return.
+
+And in the meanwhile, as time went on, the less I found her, the more
+I fell back upon my lute, which became the only confidante of my
+secret, and my sole refuge in my desolation. And I used to sit
+playing, thinking all the while of nothing but herself, so that she
+gradually became as it were the theme and the undertone of every air.
+And the listeners would say: Ha! now beyond a doubt this player on the
+lute must be some incarnation of a Kinnara, for the sound of his music
+resembles that of the wind singing in the hollows of the bamboos that
+wave over waterfalls on the sides of the snowy mountain: and his lute
+seems to sob, in the vain endeavour to express some melancholy secret
+that for want of words it cannot articulately tell, wringing as it
+were its hands of strings, for very grief: And I became a byword, and
+the fame of my music was carried into the quarters of the world, like
+the scent of the sandal that the breeze blows from the Malaya hill in
+the region of the South.
+
+And then at last I came, on a day, tired out with travel, to
+Kamalapura.[12] And delighted with its trees and its river and its
+lotuses, I found a little house, and lodged in it, to rest for a
+while. And one morning, there came to me a musician of the city, who
+loved me for my playing, and he said: How comes it, O Shatrunjaya,
+that thou hast not been to play to Tarawali?[13] And I said: Who is
+Tarawali, that I should go to play to her, who never go to anyone at
+all? And he laughed, and exclaimed: Who is Tarawali? What! dost thou
+actually say that thou hast never even heard of her, the Queen of
+this city? And I said: I did not know that thy Tarawali was the same
+as the Queen, of whom indeed I have heard, very often, as everybody
+must who comes to this city: for as it seems, the citizens never talk
+of anything or anybody else, never saying anything about her that
+recommends her to me; since, as I understand, she is an
+independent[14] woman, who goes her own way, like the wind, caring
+absolutely nothing where it takes her, or what anybody says. And he
+said: Let them say what they will, at least she is a connoisseur in
+music, and plays the lute herself, though not so well as thou. And
+they tell me, she is very curious to see thee, and to hear thee, of
+whom she has heard so much. And I said carelessly: The curiosity is
+not reciprocal, since on my side there is absolutely none. And
+moreover, independent women are not to my taste, even when they happen
+to be queens. So it will be better for us both, to leave her curiosity
+unsatisfied. And he said: Well have they named thee, the mad musician:
+for thou art utterly unlike all other men. Thou hast thrown away thy
+kingdom for a lute: and now thou sittest like a stone, unmoved, to
+hear that even Tarawali is curious on thy account: a thing that would
+set any other man dancing for delight, like a peacock at the sight of
+a cloud. Art thou indeed a stone, or is it sheer ignorance of what
+Tarawali is like? And I said: And what then is she like? And he said:
+She is like absolutely nothing in the world but herself, and cannot
+therefore be described at all, but only seen. So the only way to get
+thy question answered is to go, and see her for thyself. And I said:
+Then it never will be answered, for I will not go and see. I am no
+tame animal, to go where I am called: I am wild. And he said: Aye! but
+the wild swans go to the Manasa lake of their own accord. Thou art
+like a young wild swan, refusing, for sheer obstinacy, to visit the
+very place, that, had it only seen it, it would never be induced to
+desert again. For Tarawali is exactly a Manasa[15] for such a swan as
+thee. And for all answer, I took my lute, and began to pluck at the
+strings.
+
+And he stood for a while, drumming on the sill of the window as he
+looked out: and then he turned and said: If thou hast no curiosity,
+thou hast at least the manners of a king's son. Wouldst thou be so
+uncivil as to say no to her invitation, if she sent to thee, to come?
+And I said: Why suppose what never can occur? Surely this independent
+queen does not go to such a length as to act like an _abhisarika_,[16]
+and throw herself of her own accord at the head of every stranger that
+may wander through her city? And he laughed, and said: Wouldst thou
+actually shut thy door in her face, even so, if she were an
+incomparable beauty? Even an _abhisarika_ might be welcome, to anybody
+but thyself, who art said to be a hater of all women whatsoever. And I
+said: Why should I hate all women, who never think of them at all?
+
+And he looked at me for a long while; and then he said: Who knows?
+Thou art so singular in everything that it is just barely possible
+that thou art telling me the truth, though it is very hard to believe
+it, in the mouth of a youth like thee. And yet, if as thou sayest, thy
+heart be really empty, Tarawali could fill it for thee, easily enough.
+Aye! even if it were a desert equal to Marusthali in dryness and
+extent, a single glance at her would turn it into an ocean, tossing
+with agitation, and running over with excess of salt.[17]
+
+And then he went away. And instantly I forgot all about her, absorbed
+in my lute and the recollection of my dream.
+
+
+VI
+
+But next morning, when I awoke, his words all came back to me, and
+filled me with dismay. And I sat long musing over them, and saying to
+myself: Now after all, it is just possible not only that his words had
+a meaning, but even that he was acting as an agent of the Queen, who
+may take measures to make me go and see her, whether I will or no:
+since she is, as it seems, a musical blue-stocking,[18] ready to
+force herself on anybody just to gratify her vanity by claiming
+admiration for her musical proficiency, which nobody would acknowledge
+unless she were a queen. Out on these queens, that dabble in matters
+that they do not understand, and meddle in other people's business!
+But now I will steal a march on her by making my escape betimes, and I
+will go this very moment and order my horse to be got ready, to give
+her the slip, in case she may be meditating anything very
+disagreeable. For if she finds the bird flown, she will give it up,
+once for all.
+
+And I went to the door and opened it, and lo! there in the street
+before me stood a woman, who was in the very act of knocking at the
+door, to get in, so that as I pulled it open, she very nearly fell
+into my arms. And as she drew back laughing, I looked at her in blank
+amazement. For she resembled a feminine incarnation of the dawn, being
+a very Apsaras for beauty, and very young, and very small, and dressed
+in a garment of red muslin, whose edge of gold ran all about her like
+a snake.[19] And she had gold bangles, and gold anklets, and gold
+chains about her neck, and she held the end of her garment drawn over
+her head with one hand, whose arm resembled a creeper spray, so that I
+could only just see her long eyes peeping at me through the opening.
+And I stood awhile, holding the door, and looking at her with dismay,
+that was very nearly terror, saying to myself: Now, after all, I am
+caught, for here she is in person, running to me of her own accord.
+And at last I said with hesitation: Art thou Tarawali?
+
+And instantly, that strange damsel broke into a peal of laughter. And
+she exclaimed: I, Tarawali? Art thou stark mad? Or dost thou imagine
+Tarawali would come to people's doors? Ha! then, but as it seems, thy
+thoughts are already running on Tarawali. But let me come inside, for
+why should the whole street listen to our conversation? And she came
+in quickly and stood just inside the door, holding it by the handle,
+as if she wanted to make sure of her escape. And she said: Art thou
+Shatrunjaya, the lute-player? And I said: Yes. Then she said: Thou
+deservest almost to be slain, for such an extraordinary blunder as to
+confound such a thing as I am with the Queen. And yet, after all, thy
+chance arrow is somewhere near the mark: for if I am not Tarawali, at
+least I am her shadow, and never very far from her, being her
+confidential maid. And I have come to thee now with a message from
+herself: and it is this: Tarawali the pupil stands in sore need of
+Shatrunjaya the master, to help her in disentangling the
+quarter-tones of a theme: and she will await him in her garden, as
+the sun goes down.
+
+And I said: What, O thou red beauty, is thy name? And she said:
+Chaturika[20] Then I said: Go back, O Chaturika, and tell the Queen
+that I was not to be found. I will not come. And here is gold for
+thee.
+
+And Chaturika brushed away my bribe with a wave of her pretty arm. And
+she leaned back against the door, holding the handle behind her, and
+looking up at me from under her long lashes, with sweet crafty eyes,
+and eyebrows lifted high into a double arch. And she put her head a
+little on one side, and said, with a smile: Think twice, O
+Shatrunjaya. Art thou a musician, and hast thou never heard the song:
+Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she turns away?[21] Or
+hast thou never tasted nectar, even in a dream? Remember, sunset! And
+she shook at me her forefinger, and suddenly she opened the door, and
+slipped out, and shut it, and was gone; leaving me staring at it in
+stupefaction, and almost believing I was dreaming, so abruptly had she
+come and gone. And I said to myself in wonder: Beyond a doubt, she
+spoke at random, knowing nothing of my dream; and yet she made me
+jump, for her arrow hit the mark exactly in the centre. But if the
+maid is like the mistress, of whom she said herself, she was the
+shadow, then very sure I am, it is not either maid or mistress, or
+anybody the least like them, that could realise my dream. But all the
+same, I am caught, for the moment, in their noose: and what is to be
+done now? For she will go straight back and tell it all, to this
+over-bearing busybody of a queen, and if now I do not go, it will seem
+an incivility almost equal to an insult. For queens do not like to be
+refused, and even their request is a kind of order, very difficult to
+disobey. Out, out, upon this red intrusive jade, and her mistress, and
+above all on myself, for my delay! For had I only gone away last
+night, I should have got clean off.
+
+And long I sat debating, balanced in the swing of indecision, as to
+whether I should go, or not. And at last I exclaimed: I will give her
+just a chance. And I drew my _kattari_ from its sheath, and I said:
+Now I will throw it into the air. And if it falls back upon its point,
+I will go and see her: but if not, not. And I threw it up, like a
+juggler, so that it spun very quickly like a wheel: and lo! it fell
+back, and stuck exactly on its point, standing straight up, as if on
+purpose to imitate Chaturika's forefinger, and saying as it were: See!
+thou shalt go, willy nilly, at sunset to the Queen.
+
+And so, seeing that I must absolutely go, I dismissed it, as a thing
+determined, from my mind. And a little before sunset, I went out, and
+moved slowly through the streets, making for the palace with unwilling
+feet. And when I reached it, I stood still, opposite the palace gates,
+saying to myself: There is still just time to turn back and go away.
+For my reluctance grew upon me as I went, with every step, as if some
+presentiment that I could not understand was warning me beforehand of
+all that would come about. And I said: Now then, I will give myself
+one last chance. I will stand here still, and count a hundred. And if
+in the time, I do not see an elephant go by, I will go away, bidding
+good-bye for ever to the Queen. And then I began to count. And
+strange! at that very moment, I looked, and saw the _ankusha_ of a
+_mahawat_, high up above the crowd, coming round the corner. And the
+elephant on which he sat passed by the palace gates, looking at me as
+it were with laughter in its little eye, and saying: I am just in
+time: while yet I had fifty still to count.
+
+So near I came, to never seeing Tarawali at all!
+
+
+VII
+
+So then at last, seeing that fate was against me, and that there was
+absolutely no help for it, I gave up the struggle, and went up to the
+gate. And learning who I was, the _pratihari_[22] led me away into the
+palace, and I followed her through innumerable corridors and halls,
+until at last we came to a high wall, in which there was a door,
+screened by a curtain. And she drew aside the curtain, and opened the
+door with a key. And she said: The Queen is within: knock at the door
+on thy return. And I went in, and she shut the door behind me,
+leaving me alone.
+
+And I found myself in a garden, of which I could not see the end, for
+it rather resembled a forest for its multitude of trees. And after a
+while, I went on slowly without any guide, going wherever my steps led
+me, and saying to myself as I went along: Now I wonder where the Queen
+is; for as it seems, I am far more likely to lose myself than find
+anything, in such a maze as this. And then, little by little, I
+utterly forgot all about her, lost in my admiration of the place that
+I was in, and saying to myself in wonder: After all, I did well to
+come, and it was well worth while, if only for the sake of this
+extraordinary wood, which cannot properly be called a garden, since it
+is like absolutely nothing else in the world. For there were no
+flowers to be seen at all, but only trees. And even of trees, there
+were only four kinds, champak, and _shala_, and _nyagrodha_, and
+bamboo. But every kind of tree was multiplied many times, and each was
+a very giant, and a marvel of its kind. And the champaks and the
+_shalas_ were loaded with their blossoms that filled the air with
+heavy fragrance, and glimmered in the dusk: and the bamboos stood in
+clumps, like pillars, each as thick as my own body, with their tall
+plumes waving very gently to and fro like _chowris_ over my head; and
+the trunks and the roots of the _nyagrodhas_[23] writhed and twisted
+round me like serpents' coils and women's limbs, pointing at me as it
+were with weird wooden arms, till I felt as if I were walking in some
+strange dream forest whose Yakshas and Yakshinis were watching me and
+mocking me as I went along. And suddenly, I looked, and far away
+through the trees I saw the moon nearly full rising slowly like a
+great red nocturnal sun, on the edge of the pallid eastern sky, as if
+it had come to watch me too, before the sun was down. And a feeling
+that was almost fear began to creep into my soul, as I moved on
+slowly, not knowing where I was. And all at once, I came out suddenly
+upon a terrace and stood still. For just below me was a lake, whose
+water was black, and absolutely still, and it was filled with
+innumerable lotuses, that stood straight up out of the mirror that
+they floated in, all turned red by the rays of the setting sun, which
+was just about to disappear, taking as it were a last fond look at
+them, as it stood, blood-red, on the rim of the world.
+
+And then, like a flash of lightning, recollection rushed into my soul.
+And my heart gave a bound, as if it wanted to leap from my body. And I
+exclaimed, with agitation: Ha! Why, it is the very lake, and these are
+the very lotuses, and the very sun that I saw in my dream! And even
+as I spoke, I heard behind me the low sweet voice of a woman, saying
+slowly: I fear that I have kept thee waiting for a long time: and
+canst thou forgive me?
+
+And instantly I cried out: The words! the words! And I turned sharp
+round, shaking like a leaf, with a heart that beat in my body like a
+drum. Lo! there, just before me, stood the lady of my dream. And
+exactly as before, her dark blue garments shone like copper in the red
+sun's rays, and the star stood trembling in her high dark hair. And
+exactly as before, she stood up, absolutely straight, as if on purpose
+to throw into strong relief the undulating curves of her lovely form,
+and yet she differed from her own dream in this, that her soft round
+bosom was rising and falling like an agitated wave, as if she had been
+running very fast with nimble feet, that had stopped short, at the
+sight of me. And she held her pretty head, with appealing grace, just
+a very little on one side, looking at me with great sweet eyes, and
+lips that smiled, half-open, as if to let her breathe, saying as it
+were: I know that I am very guilty, and yet I am absolutely sure to be
+forgiven, since you cannot find it in your heart to scold. And somehow
+or other, there came from every part of her as it were the delicious
+fragrance of an extreme desire to oblige and please, that exactly
+corresponded with the excessive gentleness of the voice that had just
+spoken; and yet it was mixed in some inexplicable way with a very
+faint suggestion of authority, as though to say: All will willingly
+obey me; but those who will not, must. And one hand hung down by her
+side, holding a lute by a yellow string: while the other was playing
+with the beads of a necklace of great pearls, that lay on the ocean of
+her surging breast, so that it was carried up and down on its wave.
+And she looked, as she stood before me, like a faultless feminine
+incarnation of the essence of a bosom friend, turned into an
+instrument of supernatural seduction by the infusion of the
+intoxication of the other sex, and seeming as it were to say: How much
+dearer is a dear friend, that looks at thee with a woman's eyes!
+
+And I stood for a single instant, looking, with a soul that struggled
+to leave me, as if it had recognised at once, the moment it caught
+sight of her, whose claim it should obey. And I made a step towards
+her, stretching out both my hands: and all at once, I uttered a sharp
+cry, and fell at her feet in a swoon.
+
+
+VIII
+
+And when I came back to myself, I opened my eyes, and saw her,
+standing close beside me, bending over towards me, and watching me
+with eyes that were full of an expression that was half anxiety and
+half compassion. And as I rose to my feet, in confusion, she said
+quietly: Nay, it would be better for thee to sit still, for a little
+while, until thou art recovered. Art thou ill, or what is the matter
+with thee? And I looked at her, making as it were sure of her being
+really there, and I said with emotion: Nay, on the contrary, I am
+very well indeed, now that I find thee still here, as I never hoped to
+see thee. For I was terribly afraid, lest I should lose thee as I did
+before. And the shock was like a blow, for I have waited so long, to
+see thee again. And she looked at me with astonishment, and she said:
+Before? Again? What dost thou mean? When have we ever met before? And
+I said: In a dream. And it may be, even earlier, in some former birth.
+I cannot tell. But instantly, I knew thee again, and my heart stopped,
+unable to endure the unutterable joy, and the choking pain, and the
+suddenness of the surprise: for it came upon me like a thunderbolt,
+without warning. And as I said, I was white with terror, lest thou
+shouldst have taken advantage of my swoon, to disappear, as thou didst
+before. For if I had not seen thee, when I woke up, I should have
+died.
+
+And she looked at me for a while, with curiosity, and as if meditating
+over what I said. And then she sighed. And she said in a low voice, as
+if speaking to herself: This is my fault. Alas! I foresaw that there
+would be danger in thy coming. And I exclaimed: Danger! Be under no
+concern. Thou hast nothing at all to fear from me, or indeed from
+anything whatever, as long as I am near thee. Then she said: Nay, but
+thou dost not understand. It is not for myself that I was afraid, but
+for thee. And as I looked at her, as if to ask her what she meant, she
+said again: It is I who am the danger. For I know by experience that I
+always act on thy sex like a spell: only in thy case, the spell was
+very strong: so strong, as almost to destroy thee. And yet, it is not
+my fault, after all. Blame me not, but rather blame the Creator who
+made me as I am. And I exclaimed: Blame him! nay, rather worship and
+adore him, for the wonder of his work: as thou art very certainly his
+masterpiece. What! wouldst thou have me blame him, for producing a
+thing that I could worship, instead of himself? And she shook her head
+slowly as I spoke, and she said: Thou seest: it is exactly as I said.
+I am a poison to thee. And I looked at her, trembling with sheer
+ecstasy to look at her and listen to her: and suddenly I burst out
+laughing, with my eyes full of tears. And I said: Poison! Thou! Ah!
+let me only drink such poison to its dregs! I ask for nothing more.
+And she said: Come! let us sit on the step, and thou wilt recover. And
+when we were seated, she said, after a while: Forget me, if thou
+canst, for a moment, and listen, and I will tell thee of the
+difficulty which led me to summon thee to my assistance.
+
+And then she began to speak to me of the musical intervals, while I
+sat gazing at her, drunk with admiration, and growing hot and cold by
+turns, never so much as hearing a single word she said, but listening
+only to the unutterable sweetness of the voice that spoke, that
+sounded in my ears like the noise of a waterfall coming from a
+distance to the ear of one that lies dying of thirst. And all at once,
+I broke in abruptly, without any reference whatever to her words: and
+I said: O Tarawali, they named thee well who chose thy name: for thou
+art indeed like the star on thy brow. And when I think how nearly I
+never came to thee at all, I shudder for sheer terror, to think I all
+but missed my opportunity, and lost thee for ever. And I owe thee an
+apology, for a crime, done to thy divinity in ignorance. Aye!
+Chaturika was right, when she told me I was worthy of death, for
+confounding thee with her.
+
+And she said, with a sigh: Thou art not listening to what I say. And
+then she smiled, with a little smile that shook my heart for delight,
+and she said: Aye! Chaturika told me of thy error. But trust her not,
+when she speaks of me, for she is a flatterer. And yet, thy crime was
+venial, and one easily forgiven: for she is very pretty, as I am not.
+But we are wandering from the point, and wasting time, and talking
+nonsense. Forget us both, and listen with attention, and I will begin
+all over again. And I swept away her beginning with a wave of my hand,
+and I exclaimed: It is useless, for I can listen at present to
+absolutely nothing. There is no room in my soul for anything but thee.
+Speak to me of thyself, and I will listen never moving for the
+remainder of my life. And once again she sighed, lifting her hands,
+and letting them fall again, as if in despair. And she said gently: If
+thou absolutely wilt not attend, where was the use of thy coming at
+all? And I said: If thou wilt only send for me every day, at sunset,
+for a year, it may be that I shall at last be able to forget thee
+sufficiently, for a very little while, to attend to something else.
+
+And suddenly she laughed, with laughter that exactly resembled the
+laughter of a child, and she said: Thou art very crafty indeed, but
+thy cunning plan would take a long time, with but little result. And
+even then, I am not sure I could rely on thy forgetting. And I
+exclaimed, with emphasis: Thou art absolutely right, for the moment of
+oblivion would never come at all. But O thou miracle of a queen, tell
+me at least one thing about thyself. And she said: What? And I said:
+How can the King thy husband be so utterly bereft of his reason as to
+let any other man see his star? Or is he, in very truth, actually
+blind? For I could understand it, if he really cannot see.
+
+And she looked at me with surprise: and she said slowly: Dost thou
+actually not know, what everybody knows? And I said: I know nothing
+that everybody knows, being as I am a stranger. But this I know, very
+well, that if thou wert _my_ pearl, I would take very good care to
+hide thee. For even an honest man might well turn robber, tempted by
+the sight of such an ocean pearl. And she said, very quietly: It needs
+no thief to steal the pearl, if indeed it be a pearl, which its owner
+cast away long ago as a thing of no value, for anyone to pick up as he
+passes by.
+
+And I stared at her in stupefaction, and I struck my hands together
+and exclaimed: Art thou mad, or am I dreaming? And she said gently: It
+is true. And anybody but a stranger like thyself would have known it,
+without needing to be told. And she dropped her eyes, and sat for a
+while, fingering the string of her lute, as if on purpose to make
+herself into a picture for my intoxicated gaze: and suddenly she said:
+Why should I make a secret of a thing that another will tell thee, if
+I do not, adding to the truth slanders that are false? It is better
+for thee, and for me, to learn from my own mouth what it is impossible
+to hide. There is a relation of the King, whose name is Narasinha. And
+one day he saw me by accident, on the roof of the palace, and
+instantly he lost his reason, as all the men who see me always do. And
+not long after, the King was set upon by numbers in a battle, and
+within a very little of being slain; and Narasinha saved his life,
+very nearly losing his own. And the King said, when all was over: Now,
+then, O Narasinha, ask me for anything I have, no matter what: it is
+thine. And Narasinha saw his opportunity. And he shut his eyes, like
+one that leaps from a precipice to life or death. And he said: Give me
+thy Queen, Tarawali: or else, slay me, here and now, with this very
+sword that saved thy life. And then, to his amazement, as he stood
+with his head bowed, expecting death, the King burst out laughing. And
+he said: Is that all? Aha! Narasinha, we were both frightened, thou
+and I: thou, of asking, and I, of what thou mightest ask. Didst thou
+not think, I should slay thee, for thinking of her even in a dream?
+But my life were worth little, if I haggled with its saviour over its
+price. And Tarawali is thine, to do with as thou wilt. For I have only
+one life, whereas queens can be found in all directions, and I can
+very easily replace her, whenever I choose. Only she must not leave
+the palace, for after all, she is my Queen, and so she must remain,
+for everyone but me and thee. And so he gave me clean away to
+Narasinha, in secret, but it is a secret that everybody knows, and
+tells in secret to everybody else. And I have gained by the exchange.
+For Narasinha risked his life, twice, to win me, and the King would
+never have risked so much as his little finger to save the life of a
+hundred queens, and gave me away, like a straw, for the mere asking,
+not even stopping to consider, that in the straw he gave away his own
+honour lay hidden, which he gave away with me. And I could have
+forgiven him for giving me away, but who could forgive the King who
+valued his own honour less than his own life? And to the King I was
+never more than a necessary ornament, a thing like a sceptre and a
+throne, and a mere piece of royal furniture: whereas I am more than
+the life of Narasinha, and the apple of his eye.
+
+
+IX
+
+And as she spoke, I listened, not believing my own ears, and saying to
+myself: Is it all real, or can it be that I am only dreaming after
+all? And which is the greater wonder, this miserable King, who,
+leaving honour out of the account, is so utterly besotted as to give
+away a thing like her to the first man who asks for her, or Tarawali
+herself, telling the whole story of her own depreciation with such
+contemptuous and yet delicious candour to such a one as me? Aye! well
+indeed she might despise a husband so unutterably despicable; and yet
+his oblivion of his own honour is easier by far to understand than his
+blindness to the value of the thing he gave away. And would she tell
+me anything at all, unless she had come to the conclusion that I was
+worthy of her confidence? And who knows? For why should she consent to
+be given like a horse to Narasinha? Why might she not prefer to give
+herself, and choose for herself the man who was to be her owner? And
+what if I could persuade her to let me be the man? And at the very
+thought, my head began to swim in the delirium of hope and almost
+unimaginable anticipation. And I said: Dear Tarawali, is it the fault
+of the ocean gem, if its boorish owner flings it away, taking it for a
+bit of common glass, and ignoring its inestimable worth? There are
+other and better judges, who would give their very lives, only to be
+allowed to pick it up.
+
+And she looked at me with a smile, and she leaned towards me, and she
+said, with gentle mischief in her eyes: Shall I tell thee thy very
+thoughts, and it may be, tumble down for thee the unsubstantial
+castles thou art even already building in the air? Thou art marvelling
+at the King, for giving me so carelessly away: and thou art wondering,
+why I am telling thee about it: and last of all, it may be, thou art
+counting on my independence. Is it not so? And I hung my head in
+silence, ashamed at being so accurately detected by the subtle
+penetration of this extraordinary Queen. And presently she said, as
+if to console me for my confusion, with unutterable sweetness in her
+voice: Come, do not allow delusive imagination to run away with thee,
+but curb him, and rein him up, and stop him, and be wise. For I
+belong, body and soul, to Narasinha. And yet, for all that, I am my
+own mistress, and act exactly as I choose. And I see anyone I please,
+and at my own time, and go, like a wild elephant, wherever inclination
+leads me. And music is my passion, and I heard of thee, and sent for
+thee, and now that I have seen thee, I like thee. And now, shall we be
+friends?
+
+And as she ended, she put out towards me both her hands, leaning
+towards me, and looking at me with a smile, and eyes full of an
+invitation so irresistibly caressing that it swept away my
+self-control, consuming it like a blade of grass in a forest fire. And
+I started to my feet, and instantly she rose herself. And I seized her
+right hand in my own, with a grip that made it an unwilling prisoner
+beyond all hope of escape. And I exclaimed with agitation: Friends!
+only friends! Alas! O Tarawali, hast thou given thyself, body and
+soul, so absolutely to Narasinha, as not to have left even the very
+smallest atom over, for me, now that I have discovered thee at last? O
+I have dreamed of thee, and thy sweetness, and thy eyes, so long, so
+long.
+
+And as I gazed at her, forgetting everything in the world, but my
+incontrollable thirst for herself, she sighed, and she said with
+compassion: Poor boy! I did ill, to summon thee at all. Thou art only
+drinking poison, and yet I know not any antidote, save only to bid
+thee go away.
+
+And I stood, bereft of my senses, and without knowing what I did,
+pulling her by the hand, that lay reluctantly in mine, endeavouring to
+free itself in vain. And half resisting, half consenting, against her
+own will, to be pulled, she came slowly towards me, leaning back, and
+looking at me with eyes that seemed to implore me to release her, and
+yet, unable to be harsh, no matter what I did. And at last, she
+reached me, and she closed her eyes, as I kissed her, with a shudder
+of delight that was almost terror, on the lips. And then instantly I
+let her go, and stood aghast at what I had done. And I stammered:
+Forgive! for I did not know what I was doing.
+
+And she shook her head, and said very gently: Nay, it is I myself who
+am to blame: since I might have known that this would be the
+inevitable end. But now, good-bye! for thou hast been here already far
+too long. And then, she hesitated for an instant, looking at me as if
+with pity; and she said with a smile: Thou must absolutely go, and yet
+my heart is sorry for thee, for I understand, what going means, to
+thee. Come, if thou wilt, I will allow thee, to bid me good-bye.
+
+And as she held out her arms, looking at me with a smile, my reason
+fled. And I caught her anyhow, with one arm round her waist, and the
+other round her neck, turning round unawares, so that suddenly I found
+her lying in my arms, gazing up into my eyes, with lips that trembled
+as they smiled. And I drew a deep sigh, and then I kissed her in a
+frenzy with a kiss that seemed as if it would never end.
+
+And then, I almost threw her from me, with a cry. And I turned and
+fled away, without looking back, and found, I know not how, the door,
+and knocked, and it was opened; and I got, somehow or other, into the
+street. And I went home like one walking in a dream, with feet that
+found their way of their own accord.
+
+
+X
+
+And I threw myself on my bed, and lay, all night long, asleep or
+awake, I know not which, but gazing with eyes that as it were shone
+into the dark, and a heart burning with the fire of joy, and a soul
+lost in the ecstasy of recollection, saying to myself without ceasing:
+I have found her, I have found her: and the reality is sweeter far
+even than the dream. And morning arrived, as it seemed, even before
+night had begun, for time was lost altogether in the abyss of
+reminiscence. And I rose up, and stood still, with my eyes fixed upon
+the ground, going over every detail, and striving to recall every atom
+of the meeting of the day before. And I said to myself: Ha! and fool
+that I was, I very nearly missed her, by refusing to go at all. And
+unless that lucky elephant had chanced to come along, I was absolutely
+lost. And yet, how could I possibly have guessed that Tarawali would
+turn out to be the lady of my dream? O joy, that she caught me just
+before I went away! O the star in her hair, and the sound of her
+voice, and O the unendurable torture of being absent for an instant
+from the possibility of the nectar of her kiss!
+
+And then, all at once, I started, for a thought ran of its own accord
+like a dagger straight into my heart. And I exclaimed: Alas! I had
+forgotten. How in the world am I ever to see her again? And she said:
+Good-bye! Can it be that she intended I was never to return? Alas!
+beyond a doubt, good-bye was good-bye, and for all her extraordinary
+kindness, she was offended by my overweening presumption, and sent me
+away, and will not send for me again. Aye! all is over: for like
+Durga,[24] she is absolutely inaccessible, unless she chooses to
+reveal herself to her miserable devotee of her own accord. Aye indeed!
+my arrogance has ruined me in her estimation, and I cannot even hope
+ever to see her any more. Fool that I was, and mad, to run away like a
+deer, never so much as dreaming of providing for my return! Now
+indeed, I have dropped myself into a well without a rope, and she is
+as utterly beyond my reach, as if indeed she were a star.
+
+And my knees shook, and I sank down, with my head buried in my hands,
+ready to cry, for sheer anguish, at the thought of my inability to get
+at her, and the horror on purpose to keep me in suspense, and torture
+my impatience. And then at last, she said: Sunset! What! didst thou
+fear I was going to say Farewell?
+
+And as she laughed again, I caught her by the hand, in exultation, and
+her laughter suddenly changed into a shriek. And she said, with more
+laughter: Nay, thou hast come within a little of breaking my hand in
+pieces, gripping it like one that catches at a twig, to save himself
+from drowning. What! wouldst thou requite a benefit, by injuring thy
+benefactor? Or hast thou again mistaken one hand for another? And
+again she began to laugh, looking at me slily, with her provoking
+pretty eyes: and she said: No matter, I forgive thee, for as I said, I
+understand. But O Shatrunjaya the lute-player, what is it that has
+made thee change thy mind, since yesterday? Or am I to go back and
+tell the Queen, once more, that her music-master will not come?
+
+And she turned, laughing still, to go away. But I sprang forward, and
+caught her in my arms again, and said: Nay, dear Chaturika, do not go.
+Stay just a little longer, for art thou not her shadow?
+
+And yet once more she began to laugh, pushing me away, as she
+exclaimed: It is utterly impossible, O Shatrunjaya, for I have many
+things to do, and very little time. And I am not sure that I care to
+be embraced, merely because I am the shadow of another. Thou must
+contrive how thou canst, without me, to restrain thy insatiable
+appetite of embracing other people, till sunset. Patience! thou hast
+not long to wait.
+
+And she went out and shut the door, and suddenly, just as it was
+closing, she opened it again, and put in her head. And she said: Shall
+I tell her of thy anxiety to embrace me, or leave it to thee? Dear
+Chaturika! Ah! ah! Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she
+turns away!
+
+And then she shut the door and disappeared.
+
+
+XI
+
+And as the door shut behind her, she left the whole room filled to the
+very brim with the red glow of triumphant love's emotion, and the
+atmosphere of the ecstasy of happiness; and the laughter, of which she
+seemed to be the incarnation, hung, so to say, in every corner of the
+room. And my heart sang and my blood bubbled with the wave of the
+ocean of anticipation that surged and swelled within me, so that I was
+utterly unable to sit still, for sheer joy; and my soul began as it
+were to dance in such excitement, that I could hardly refrain from
+shouting, resembling one intoxicated by the abruptness of a sudden
+change from certain death to the very apex of life's sweetness. And I
+said to myself: Sunset! So, then, beyond a doubt, she has either
+forgiven me, or is willing to forgive. And who knows? For if she has
+forgiven once, she may forgive again: when again, it may be, she will
+allow me to say good-bye. And at the thought, my heart began to burn
+with dull fire, hurting me so that I could hardly breathe: and yet
+strange! the pain was divided only by a hair from a sweetness so
+intense that I laughed aloud, without knowing why, like one hovering
+on the very verge of being mad. And so I remained, drowned in the
+ocean of the torture and the nectar of love-longing, every now and
+then waking as from a day-dream to wonder at the sun, who seemed to
+dawdle on his way, as if on purpose to separate my soul from my body
+with impatience. But at last, after all, day began slowly to come to
+an end, and I set out for the palace, with feet that could hardly be
+restrained from running as fast as they could go.
+
+And at the gate the very same _pratihari_ was waiting, and she led me
+away, exactly as before, to the door, and opened it, and I went in.
+And I stood, listening to its sound as it shut behind me, hardly able
+to believe that it was not a dream, as I found myself once more in the
+garden that contained the Queen. And I stopped for a while, for my
+heart was beating so furiously that I was afraid it would break. And I
+said to myself, with a sigh of ineffable relief: Ah! now, then, I am
+actually here, once more. And O now, very soon, comes the agonising
+rapture of seeing her again. And I wonder where she is, and how I
+shall find her to-night. And now I must begin to hunt for a very sweet
+quarry. And suddenly I started almost running, paying absolutely no
+attention to the trees at all, with eyes that were blind for
+everything in the world, except one.
+
+And then, all at once, I stopped short: for I looked and saw her, a
+little way off, under a great _nyagrodha_ tree, sitting crossways in
+a low swing[25] that hung down from a long bough, holding one of its
+ropes in her left hand that was stretched as high as it could go, and
+leaning back against the other with her head cushioned in her bent
+right arm. And she had her left foot tucked beneath her, so that her
+left knee stood up in the swing, while her right leg was stretched out
+below, so that its foot just reached the ground, to allow her to swing
+very gently, whenever her toes touched the earth. And the lovely line
+of her great right hip seemed to cry for admiration, running down in a
+single unbroken curve from her waist into the ground, balanced as it
+were above by the slender beauty of her left arm rising from the mound
+of her left breast. And the rising moon which she was watching touched
+her with a faint lustre, lighting up like a lamp the great gem in her
+hair, and making the champak blossom that floated in the hollow of her
+bosom's wave glimmer like the foam on a midnight sea. And after a
+while, I began to steal towards her on tiptoe, fearing to disturb her,
+lest the lovely picture should be spoiled, yet yearning to be with her
+with the whole strength of my soul. But all at once, she heard me
+coming, and looked round and saw me. And instantly she left her swing,
+and came towards me, walking quickly with undulating steps, as upright
+as a pillar of her own tree. And I stood still, to watch her coming,
+and adore it, and delay it, but she reached me in a moment, and she
+stopped, and said with a smile: I am very glad to see thee. I sent
+thee, by the mouth of Chaturika, a time, and yet I hardly dared to
+hope for thy coming: since doubtless thou hast a better use for thy
+hours than to waste them upon me.
+
+And I stared at her, in utter stupefaction: and then, all at once I
+began to laugh. And I exclaimed: Waste! I do not understand. What dost
+thou mean? Or what was thy object in bidding me to come to thee at
+sunset? Surely not merely to talk to me of music? And she looked at me
+gently, with surprise. And she said: Of course. What other object
+could I have? And I looked at her in silence, saying to myself: Can it
+really be possible that she means exactly what she says, and that this
+was the only significance of the word she sent to me? And suddenly I
+leaned towards her, with hunger in my eyes. And I said: Then indeed, I
+was mistaken. It was not so, that I interpreted thy summons. Alas! O
+Tarawali, the only music that I came for was the music of thy
+incomparable voice, and I thought it was thy own deliberate intention
+to send for me simply that I might listen to it again, as I gazed on
+its owner with adoration.
+
+And she looked at me reproachfully, and she said: Again! Alas! I
+imagined that thou wouldst ere now have recovered from thy shock of
+yesterday, and be able now to help me; and yet, here is thy delusion
+returning, as it seems, even worse than before. See now, forget
+altogether that I am a woman, and let us talk of music, like two
+friends. And I laughed in derision, and I exclaimed: Forget that thou
+art a woman! Ask me rather to forget I am a man. Art thou blind, or
+hast thou never even looked into a mirror? Dost thou imagine me less
+than a man, bidding me forget that she is a woman who stands before
+me, as thou dost, smiling, and bewildering my soul with her maddening
+loveliness, and the absolute perfection of her body and her soul,
+showing the hungry man food, and forbidding him to eat, and the
+thirsty man water, and requiring him to think of it as something it is
+not? Or art thou all the time only playing, having no heart in thy
+body, or a stone for a heart? Didst thou summon me only to torture and
+torment me? Dost thou not know, canst thou not see, the agony of my
+suffering, standing close enough to seize thee in my arms, and yet
+kept at a distance, to listen to what I cannot even understand? I tell
+thee, I am drunk with thy beauty, and mad with intolerable desire for
+the incomprehensible fascination of thy charm, and dost thou dream of
+quenching my fire by talking about friends? I want no friendship from
+thee. I will be more than a friend to thee, or less: aye! I would give
+all the friendship in the three worlds for a single drop of nectar,
+mixed of thy body and thy soul.
+
+And as I spoke, she listened, putting up every now and then her hand,
+as if to stop me: and when I ended, she stood, looking at me in
+perplexity, as if utterly unable to decide what to do. And at last, I
+said: Why dost thou say nothing? And she said, simply; I do not know
+what to say. And I laughed aloud, lost in admiration of the
+extraordinary simplicity of her incomparable reply. And I exclaimed: O
+thou wonderful woman, how can I find words to express what I feel for
+thee? And she said, as if with despair: I counted on thy recovery. And
+I said: Count not on my recovery, for I never shall recover. And she
+said, with a smile: Then, as it seems, I shall never have my music
+lesson. And perhaps it would be better, if it ended here, without ever
+having begun. And in any case, to-night, thy visit must of necessity
+be a very short one, since I have other business, unexpectedly arisen,
+to do. And so, shall we say good-night, without any more delay?
+
+And I said slowly: If I must go, I must: for I will obey thee, order
+what thou wilt. And yet, wilt thou not allow me at least to bid thee
+good-bye, as thou didst last night?
+
+And she looked at me, as I leaned towards her, as if with reproach,
+and she stood for a moment, hesitating, and as it were, balanced in
+the swing of her own beautiful irresolution. And then, after a while,
+she sighed, and put out her hand, as if with resignation. And I drew
+her to me with a clutch, and caught her in my arms, showering on her
+lips and her eyes and her hair kisses that resembled a rain of fire:
+while all the time she offered absolutely no resistance, allowing me
+to do with her exactly as I pleased. And when at last I stopped to
+breathe, looking at her with eyes dim with emotion, she said, very
+gently, with a smile, lying just as she was, fettered in my arms:
+Hast thou yet bid me good-bye, to thy satisfaction? And I said in a
+low voice: Nay, not at all. For thou hast not yet kissed me in return,
+even once. And as if out of compassion, she did as she was told:
+kissing me gently, over and over again, for I would not let her stop,
+with kisses that resembled snowflakes that burned as they fell.
+
+And at last, I let her go. And holding her two hands, I gazed at her
+for a while in adoration, while she looked at me as if patiently
+waiting to be released, with a little smile. And I said: Now then I
+will obey thee, and go: for thou hast given me something that will
+keep me alive. And yet thou art cheating me by sending me away before
+the time, and thou owest me the rest. Promise me, that thou wilt
+summon me to-morrow, or I cannot go away, even if I try. For if I go,
+not knowing when I shall see thee again, I will slay myself on thy
+palace steps.
+
+And she drew away her hands, very gently, and turned away, and stood
+looking down upon the ground, reflecting. And I watched her, as I
+waited, with anxiety: for she seemed to be meditating, not so much of
+me, as of something unknown to me, that stood in the way of her
+decision. And then at last, she turned towards me, looking at me, as
+it seemed, with pity. And she said, almost sadly, and yet with a
+smile: Poor moth, thou wilt only burn away thy wings. Thou little
+knowest, what eyes are on thee, or the danger thou art running by
+overestimating me, and coming here at all. And yet, the mischief has
+been done, and thou art greatly to be pitied, having fallen under a
+spell: and thou art suffering from a fever to which nothing can bring
+any alleviation but myself. And it would be far better to refuse thee,
+since to grant thy request cannot possibly do thee any good. And yet I
+cannot find it in my heart to deny thee what thou cravest, since I am
+myself the involuntary cause of all thy delusion, and can give thee
+such extraordinary pleasure, with so very little trouble to myself.
+And so, I will give thee thy desire, and to-morrow's sunset shall be
+thine.
+
+And I uttered a cry of joy. And utterly unable to control my emotion,
+I caught her once more in my arms, kissing her passionately with
+trembling lips. And suddenly I shuddered with delight, for I felt her
+lips kissing me again. And my senses reeled, and I murmured with
+emotion: Ah! thou lady of my dream, art thou real, or am I still only
+dreaming after all? And she stood back, putting me away with her hand,
+and she said, gently: I am real, but thou seest me through the eyes of
+thy dream. For what is there, after all, in me, save what thou puttest
+there thyself, with the aid of thy fancy, and thy passion, and the
+recollection of thy dream?
+
+And I looked at her in silence for a while, and then I said: Promise
+me yet one thing more. And she smiled, and said: Thou art insatiable:
+and yet, what is it? And I said: Send me Chaturika in the morning,
+just to tell me what I know already. For I shall be dying of
+impatience, and she is like a foretaste of thyself, and will help to
+keep me alive.
+
+And she laughed, and she said: Ah! thou art very crafty, for Chaturika
+is far prettier than I. But I will send her for all that, to gratify
+thee to the full. And moreover, I am not jealous. But now, thou must
+absolutely go: for I must also. And she leaned towards me, with eyes
+that were full of an unutterable caress: and she said: To-morrow, at
+sunset, I will be thy dream. Only remember, not to blame me, for
+anything that may happen when awaking comes.
+
+And I turned and went away, with a heart that trembled in the
+extremity of joy. And when I had gone a little way, I looked back, and
+saw her still standing, looking after me, with her two hands clasped
+behind her head, as motionless as a tree. And after a little while, I
+looked again, and she was gone.
+
+
+XII
+
+And when I got home, I threw myself on my bed, and instantly fell fast
+asleep, for I was worn out by emotion and fatigue: and my slumber
+resembled the deep peace of my own heart. And a little before the
+dawn, I woke up, and went out, wandering where my footsteps led me,
+with a soul lost in meditation on Tarawali, bathed in the nectar of
+reminiscence and anticipation, and yet puzzled by a doubt that it
+could not resolve. And I said to myself as I went along: How in the
+world can a queen like her, who laughs all other women to utter
+scorn, for beauty and understanding and gentleness and sweetness, and
+some unintelligible magic charm that is somehow spread all over her,
+and echoes in the tone of her delicious voice that makes every fibre
+of my heart tremble every time I hear it; how can such a queen as she
+show such extraordinary favour to such a thing as me? For I could
+understand it, if it were any other man. For then I should say that
+beyond all doubt, she actually preferred him to all others in the
+world, for sheer affection. And yet, as it is, it is quite
+incomprehensible. For, it might seem, that she must be in love with me
+herself, returning my affection: and yet it cannot be. For how could
+such a miracle as she is, the supreme achievement of the Creator, and
+the concentrated essence of the charm of all her sex, think of such a
+one as me, even in a dream, as an object of affection? And yet, if
+not, how is her behaviour to be explained? For I might perhaps believe
+that she was merely playing with me for her own amusement, were she
+any other woman than exactly the one she is: but as it is, no one
+could believe it that had ever seen her for an instant: and she needs
+no other argument in her defence than every glance at her supplies.
+And it may be, after all, that she took up with Narasinha merely out
+of pique, at being so unceremoniously slighted and cast off as a thing
+of no value by her booby of a husband, and, as it were, also out of
+gratitude to find herself appreciated at her true value, which she
+must very well understand notwithstanding all her own beautiful
+self-depreciation, which is an extra charm enhancing all her other
+charms: and afterwards, it may be, she has changed her mind, as women
+do, about Narasinha, without being willing to admit it, even to
+herself; and come, only the other day, suddenly on me. Aye! beyond a
+doubt, this would be the true conclusion, and the answer to the
+riddle, but for one consideration that makes it utterly impossible,
+that I am only I.
+
+And so as I debated with myself, all at once I heard my own name
+called aloud in the air. And I looked up, and lo! there was my old
+friend Haridasa,[26] on a camel. And he said: Ha! Shatrunjaya, art
+thou thyself indeed, or another exactly like thee, or hast thou lost
+thy senses and thy ears? For here have I been calling to thee, all
+along the street, without succeeding in waking thee from thy dream,
+till now. And what can it be, that can so fill thy mind as to stop up
+all its entrances?
+
+And I exclaimed in delight: Ah! Haridasa, thou art come in the very
+nick of time, the very man, at this moment, that I need most. Get off
+thy camel, for a while, and come and sit beside me, and find me, if
+thou canst, an answer to a question that I cannot find myself. And so
+he did. And as soon as we were seated by the roadside, I said to him:
+Haridasa, listen. Thou knowest me well. Now tell me thy opinion: am I
+one that a woman might choose out of many for a lover?
+
+And Haridasa began to laugh. And he looked at me shrewdly, and he
+said: Aha! Shatrunjaya the lute-player, so this was thy preoccupation?
+Art thou one to catch a woman's fancy? O Shatrunjaya, why not? For art
+thou not a musician, famous in the world, and a man among men, into
+the bargain? All women love a giant, such as thou art. Any woman of
+them all might do worse than fall in love with thee. And yet thy very
+question shows, that in this matter of women, thou art little better
+than a child, as indeed thou always wert. For even the Deity himself
+can never tell what man any woman will prefer, or why: as how should
+he, seeing that she does not even know, herself? And there never yet
+existed any man whom some woman would not worship, let him be as ugly
+as you please, or even for that very reason: and yet, let a man be a
+very Kamadewa, woman after woman will pass him by, without even so
+much as casting a glance at him out of the very corner of her eye. For
+a woman's affection depends on her fancy, and that is like the wind,
+that comes and goes and wavers how and where it will, without a reason
+that anybody can discover. And it is sheer waste of time to sit and
+wonder, whether thou art or art not a man that a woman might love.
+Thou art both, or neither: for the only way to settle thy question is
+to try. And she will, or she will not, of her own accord. And now, who
+is she, this beauty who has set thee so knotty a problem to solve?
+
+And I said with indifference: There is no such beauty; for all my
+perplexity arose from the line of an old song: Nectar when she turns
+towards thee: poison when she turns away.
+
+And Haridasa turned sharp towards me, and looked at me intently for a
+very long while, saying absolutely nothing. And we sat talking of
+other things till he rose to go away. And then, at the very moment he
+was mounting on his camel, he turned, and came back. And he said:
+Listen! Thou art hiding from me something that maybe I could startle
+thee by guessing: but no matter. Keep thy secret: but listen to a
+piece of good advice, which may serve thee at a pinch. If ever thou
+wouldst have a woman prize thee, never let her see that thou settest
+any store by her. Treat her as a straw, and she will run after thee as
+if thou wert a magnet: make thyself her slave, and she will hold thee
+cheap, and discard thee for another. For women think meanly of their
+sex, and utterly despise the man who places them above himself: since
+in her heart every woman longs to be a man, bewailing her misfortune
+in being born a woman, and praying all her life for one thing only, to
+be born a man in another birth. And one thing above all she cannot
+understand, how or why any man should make a fuss about any woman, as
+all men do: which, just because she is not a man herself, she cannot
+comprehend. And like jugglers, that are not taken in by their own
+tricks, women look upon men as mere fools, for being taken in at all.
+For a woman's charm, to a woman, is not only not a charm at all, but a
+trick, and a lure, understood, and utterly despised. So now, be a
+man, and whatever folly thou art meditating, at least beware of being
+guilty of the very greatest of them all, by doubting of thy own
+superiority of manhood to the womanhood of any woman, no matter who
+she be: and earning her contempt, by lying at her feet. And now,
+farewell! for I have business with Narasinha.
+
+And at the name of Narasinha, I pricked up my ears. And I said, with
+feigned indifference: Who is Narasinha?
+
+And Haridasa spat upon the ground. And he said: One, whom thou art
+lucky not to know: and yet, his name is _apropos_. For he is the
+Queen's lover, and an instance in point: since he leads her by a
+string, just because he treats her as a trifle, and not, as all her
+other lovers do, as a gem not to be matched by any other in the sea.
+And yet he is not, like thee, a man among men, but a man among women.
+For just as a dancing-girl loves to be treated as a queen, so does a
+queen love to be treated as a dancing-girl.
+
+And then, all at once, he struck me on the shoulder. And he said, in a
+low voice: Why didst thou start, when I named Narasinha?
+
+And without waiting for any answer, he got quickly on his camel, and
+rode away, never looking back.
+
+
+XIII
+
+And I stood, looking after him, with a startled heart, and then I went
+home slowly, saying to myself: How in the world did he guess my
+secret, and what did he mean? Was there a warning in his words? And
+what is all this about the Queen? Did he ever see her in his life? for
+if he had, he would long ago have discovered that all his rules have
+exceptions, of which Tarawali is one: being not only the very gem
+beyond comparison that he spoke of with contempt, but a woman of women
+who very certainly never would despise any one at all, least of all
+the man who thought her exactly what she is, a star, far, far above
+his own muddy earth: a thing made of some rare celestial matter,
+differing altogether from anything to be found here below, fetched by
+the Creator when he meant to make her from some abysmal intermundane
+mine, where ocean foam and lunar ooze and sandal-wood and camphor lie
+jumbled up together with the essence of all curves and smiles and
+whispers and soft kisses and sweet glances and irresolution and long
+hair. And the image of the Queen rose up before me, laughing as it
+were in scorn at Haridasa, and utterly obliterating everything he
+said. And I said to myself in ecstasy: Sunset will be here, very soon.
+And I reached my house, and looked, and lo! there was sitting at the
+door a Rajpoot, covered with the desert's dust, and holding by the
+rein a horse that hung its head, trembling still, and white with foam.
+
+And as I came towards him, he stood up, and made obeisance. And he
+said: Maharaj, thou art come at last, and it was time. And I said:
+What is the matter? Then he said: Thy mother sent me, and I have
+ridden night and day. The King thy father is dying, and every moment
+he may be dead. And now, if thou carest, either for thy father, or thy
+mother, or thy throne, there is only one chance for thee, to fly to
+them as fast as any horse can take thee, without the delay of a single
+moment. So my message is delivered, and the Maharaj is judge.
+
+And again he made obeisance, and went away on foot, leading his horse
+behind. And I stood, looking after him in a stupor, like one struck by
+a bolt from heaven, in the form of his appalling news. And I said to
+myself: Go I must, or my mother is ousted, and the _raj_ lost. And yet
+if I go, the sun will set in the Queen's garden, and I shall not be
+there.
+
+And I pushed my door wide open, and went in, and sat down, with my
+face buried in my hands. And my own words sang in my head, over and
+over again: Go I must, or the _raj_ is lost, and my mother ousted. And
+the sun will set in the Queen's garden, and I shall not be there.
+
+And I heard a laugh beside me, and I looked up. Lo! there was
+Chaturika, standing in the open door! And she looked at me with
+laughing eyes, and she said: Ha! as it seems, I am just in time to
+save thy life: for thou art apparently all but dead. And, beyond a
+doubt, the Queen is a cunning doctor, who understands her patient's
+case. For she sent me to thee, saying: Go to him, O Chaturika, since
+without thee he will die: and help him, how thou canst, to live until
+the sun has set.
+
+And I stood up, and seized my hair with both my hands. And I groaned
+aloud, and said: Alas! O Chaturika, what is a man to do, when two suns
+set, in opposite directions? And instantly, all the laughter died out
+of her face. And she looked at me with dark eyes, and she said: Two
+suns! What dost thou mean? And I told her all, and she listened in
+silence, till I ended. And then she said, with a sigh of relief: Ah!
+is that all? And I exclaimed: All? is it not enough for thee? And she
+said: I was terrified, by thy talking of two suns. For I began to
+think the Queen had a rival in thy affection. And I laughed, in anger
+and derision, and I exclaimed: A rival! Thou little fool! I am sorely
+tempted to beat thee, for daring to think anything of the kind, even
+in a dream. What! a rival! to Tarawali! Thou art stark mad. How could
+she possibly have a rival in the three worlds? But what am I to do?
+And she said: It is thy choice, not mine. Only when once a sun has
+set, who can tell, if it will ever rise again? And what am I to say to
+the Queen?
+
+And as she stood, looking at me, for an answer, there rose into my
+recollection the image of Tarawali, leaning towards me in the
+moonlight, and saying: To-morrow, at sunset, I will be thy dream. And
+suddenly I exclaimed: Go back to her, O Chaturika, and tell her that
+my only sun is the sun that sets in a Queen's garden.
+
+And then, to my astonishment, that singular Chaturika suddenly threw
+herself into my arms, and kissed me without waiting to be asked. And
+seeing me look at her in perplexity, she burst out laughing, and she
+said with delight: Ah! ah! So then, after all, there is a difference,
+as it seems, between Chaturika and Tarawali. No doubt some kisses are
+far sweeter, but the sun must set, ere the lovely digit of the moon
+rises, and I must do what I can meanwhile, to help thee to keep alive.
+It was her own order. And moreover she will not be jealous, and will
+not scold me when I tell her all about it on my return. And I said:
+Nay, thou saucy little beauty, tell her with all my heart, and add,
+that her drug was efficacious, since sandal-wood and camphor turn
+everything that touches them into a little bit of fragrance exactly
+like their own. And take her hand, and kiss it, and say I send the
+kiss, like her message, by thy mouth, and here it is.
+
+And I caught her in my arms, and kissed her as she struggled, not
+willing this time to be kissed at all, exactly on her laughing lips,
+and then she went away.
+
+
+XIV
+
+And I said to myself in ecstasy, as she disappeared: Out on the very
+notion of leaving Tarawali in the lurch, and losing the very essence
+of the nectar of the lady of my dream, so kind, so clever, and so
+wonderful as she is! Well did she understand, how the very sight of
+this audacious little _cheti_ would act like a balm on the fever of my
+longing for herself: carrying about with her, as she does, a
+reminiscence of the intoxicating fragrance of the great champak
+flower, whose messenger she is, like a female bee, scattering
+another's honey as she goes. Aye! Chaturika is like a letter, smelling
+of the sandal of the hand that wrote it, far away. And Tarawali
+understood it all, and sent her; not being jealous, as Chaturika says,
+and indeed, as she said herself, last night. As if a star of heaven
+could possibly be jealous of a little Ganges pot![27] Aye! little did
+my mother dream, when she sent to fetch me, what influence she had
+against her. As if I would purchase any kingdom in the world at the
+price of sacrificing my sunset with the Queen! And how can I help it,
+if the King my father chose just this unlucky astrological
+conjunction, to die? Or what good can be done by haste? For if he is
+dead already, as is very likely, all is lost, and it is useless to go
+at all. And if on the contrary, he lives for a little longer, I shall
+find him still alive, if I start to-morrow. And is it likely he will
+live or die exactly so, as to make my starting now either necessary or
+advantageous? And shall I take the risk, and throw away the very fruit
+of my birth, for nothing at all? And what would Tarawali think of me,
+if I left her in the lurch, counting her inestimable favour as a
+straw? Beyond all doubt, she would wipe me from her memory as a thing
+beneath even contempt, like a sieve, all holes, into which it is
+futile to pour anything at all. No, I will keep my sunset, even if I
+lose my kingdom. And yet, why should I, after all? For to-morrow when
+I actually start, I will go very fast indeed, preparing everything
+beforehand, and having my horse waiting for me, so as to lose no time
+when I leave the Queen, carrying with me as I ride the memory of
+to-night: whereas if I threw her over, and set off to-night, the
+thought of what I was leaving behind would be so heavy as utterly to
+prevent me from going along at all.
+
+And so I mused, waiting all the time with fierce impatience for the
+sun to sink, till at last day came to an end. And then I rose in
+delight, exclaiming: At last, at last, separation is over, and now it
+is time! And I went very quickly to the palace, and found the
+_pratihari_: and she led me away straight to the door, and opened it,
+and I went in.
+
+
+XV
+
+And then, once more, I stood still, listening in ecstasy to the door
+as it shut behind me, and tasting, as it were, for an instant the
+delicious promise that the dusky garden gave me, standing like a diver
+on the edge of ocean, just before he plunges in, knowing well that it
+holds a pearl. And I stretched my arms towards the trees, saying to
+myself: This is not like the other times, but far, far better: for
+to-night she will not ask me to give her a music lesson, but she said
+herself, she would be my dream. And I wonder how she will do it, and
+what she is going to do. And then I went on through the trees, looking
+from side to side, with a soul as it were on tiptoe with curiosity and
+anticipation. And far away through the trees I saw the red rim of the
+full moon rising in a great hurry as if like myself he was dying with
+impatience just to see her, and saying as it were: I am the only lamp
+fit to light her, and I am just coming in another moment, like
+herself. And I passed by her swing that hung drooping, as it were,
+sadly from its tree, because she was not there. And little by little,
+my heart began to crave for the sight of her, growing restless and
+uneasy, and saying to itself with anxiety: What if something had
+actually prevented her from coming, and the garden were really as
+empty as it seems, and she were not here at all. And then at last I
+reached the terrace by the pool, exactly where I saw her first, and
+looked round with eager eyes, and she was not there. And then, just as
+I was on the verge of sinking into the black abyss of disappointment,
+all at once she came out of the shadow of a clump of great bamboos, in
+which she had been hiding, as it seemed, just to tease me into the
+belief she was not there, in order to intensify the unutterable
+delight of her abrupt appearance. And she stood still, as if to let me
+look at her, between two bamboo stems, just touching them with the
+very tips of the fingers of each hand, and saying in her soft sweet
+voice with a smile: Was I not right in choosing this as the only
+proper place for thee to meet the lady of thy dream, where we met each
+other first?
+
+And I stood, confounded and as it were, dazed, by a vision so
+marvellously lovely that it puzzled me, murmuring to myself: Can this
+be Tarawali after all, and what has she done to herself, for she has
+changed, somehow or other, into the incarnation of some deity exactly
+like her, and she looks like an image of the wife of Wishnu[28] that
+has somehow or other come down from its pedestal on a temple wall? For
+she was clothed in some strange colour that hovered between pallid
+yellow and deep red, seeming to have been borrowed from the setting
+sun and the rising moon. And it was all pulled forward, so that it
+clung somehow or other tight to her rounded limbs, making her whole
+outline from head to foot look like soft marble in the moonlit dusk,
+and it was collected in front into one great heavy fold that hung
+straight down like a red pillar from the very middle of her small
+waist, ending just above her feet in great gold tassels, that nearly
+touched the huge anklets of green jade with which her two little bare
+feet were loaded, as if to help them to stand firm. And a soft broad
+band of gold ran right round her just below her lovely breast, that
+lay held in its gold cup like a great double billow made of the creamy
+lather of the sea, prevented from escaping as it swelled up by the
+delicious dam formed by the curve of her shoulders meeting the soft
+bulge of the upper part of her rounded arms, which came out from each
+side and seemed as it were to wave gently in the air like creeper
+sprays, free and unconfined, and not like her feet, chained down, but
+absolutely bare of any ornament at all. And on her hair was not a
+star, but a great yellow moonstone, that shone with a dull glimmer
+like a rival moon of her own, and over her left shoulder a long coil
+of dark hair came out from behind her head and hung down like a
+serpent, ending in a soft wisp like a yak's tail that was tied round
+with yellow silk. And the only thing that she retained of what she was
+before was the intoxicating charm of the upright poise of her whole
+figure, which seemed to say to me as I saw it: I am the one thing
+about her which she cannot possibly hide or alter, let her do what she
+will.
+
+And she stood quite still, as I gazed at her in ecstasy, lost in the
+wonder of my own eyes, looking back at me with her head just a little
+on one side, and her eyebrows just a very little raised, as if with
+appeal, and great soft sweet caressing smiling eyes. And then, after a
+while, she said, looking down: See, my feet are prisoners to-night, to
+do thee honour, as their lord, and they cannot walk fast or far, but
+it does not matter, as they will not be wanted, for I have a surprise
+coming for thee, by and by. But as to my arms, I thought it better to
+leave them without the encumbrance of any ornament at all. And she
+waved them gently in the air, and a little smile stole over her lips,
+and she said: It would only have been in the way, if the fancy should
+come upon thee to say good-bye in thy own fashion. And now, it was
+very difficult for me to know exactly what to do, so as to place the
+lady of thy dream before thee, since thou hast never told me what she
+looked like in the dream. And so thou must forgive me, if I have come
+in anything short of thy expectation, for I have done what I could.
+Art thou satisfied with her, as she stands? For if not, I must call my
+soul to the assistance of its body.
+
+And I stood, unable to speak or move, gazing at her almost in a swoon
+by reason of the excess of my intoxication; and after a while, I drew
+a very deep sigh. And she came towards me, very slowly, as I stood
+rooted to the ground; and she put up her arms, and laid one hand on
+each shoulder, with a touch like the fall of a flake of snow. And she
+said: I know what is the matter: thou art spellbound by a return of
+thy original delusion. But it will leave thee, and thy senses will
+return to thee, once thou hast said good-bye. And then, seized with
+frenzy, I caught her in my arms, and suddenly she prevented me from
+kissing her by putting her hand over my mouth. And she said with a
+smile: Wait! Am I equal to Chaturika, for as it seems, thou hast been
+playing me false? And for all answer, I took her hand, and kissed it,
+and put it round my neck, and then fell to kissing her in madness,
+continuing for I know not how long, bereft of my senses by the perfume
+of her hair and the touch of her arms. And then at last, I took her
+face in my hands. And I said: Away with Chaturika! Thou knowest all,
+and art only jesting: and my soul quivers in my body at the sound of
+thy name. And she laughed, as I kissed her very gently on her two
+eyes, and she said: Perhaps I know: and yet, I will not forgive thee
+for Chaturika, but on one condition. And I said: Ask anything thou
+wilt: it matters not. Then she said: Look at me very carefully, and
+think ere thou speakest: and tell me, exactly what it is, in me, that
+chains thee so to me, which Chaturika and others are without.
+
+And I said: Stand still, and let me look at thee, and think. And I put
+her away, and stood back, examining her very carefully just as she had
+wished, walking round and round her, and saying to myself: It is
+absolutely useless, for I know what to say without any need of
+looking, and yet I do not know if I can ever bring myself to stop,
+since she has given me, as if on purpose to delight me, a task more
+delicious than I ever had to do before. And all the time she stood
+absolutely still, patiently waiting till I ended, and looking at me
+every time I came round, with raised eyebrows and a smile. And at
+last, I could not endure it any longer, and I said: Ah! come back into
+my arms, which hunger for thee, and I will answer. And instantly, she
+came and stood, listening attentively, and caressing my ear unawares,
+as she listened, with her hand. And I said: Thy question is
+unanswerable, and my examination nothing to the purpose: since where
+was the use of looking at thy lovely body to find what is only to be
+found in thy soul, to which thy body owes the essence of even its own
+intoxication? For thy soul peeps out, from behind it, in the poise of
+thy head, and the straight erectness of its carriage, and the aroma of
+the royalty of sex that oozes, as it were, from its every gesture,
+mixed, in some unintelligible way, with a soft grace that seems to be
+all its own. But the spell thou art asking me to catch for thee looks
+from thy eyes, and lurks in thy lips, and murmurs in thy marvellous
+voice, which was silent all the while I was considering: and it is,
+some naive and submissive gentleness in the quality of thy soul, which
+turns all thy other perfections into instruments of delirium, and yet
+notwithstanding contradicts them all. For any other woman but thyself
+possessing even one of them would be proud, whereas thou dost not even
+seem to be aware that there is anything about thee other than the
+common. And as it seems to me, it is this, which is the core of thy
+irresistible fascination, giving to all thy particular elements of
+loveliness a kind of salt, that mixes with their sweetness to drive me
+mad.
+
+And she looked at me silently with meditative eyes; and after a while
+she said slowly: I wish I were a man, only for a moment, to judge of
+myself and thy answer: for in one way thou art right, since I cannot
+understand why all men seem to lose their reason, as soon as they see
+me. And I said: There it is again, the very thing I spoke of, in thy
+words: and it is so simple, and yet so indescribably delicious, that
+very glad indeed I am that thou art not a man, but a woman, and that
+it is I that am the man. And it would be a crime in the Creator to
+gratify thy wish by making thee a man, who art the very essence of all
+womanly perfection and attraction. And for satisfaction of thy wish,
+look at thyself through my eyes, and thy wish is attained, since I am
+myself the very mirror provided thee by the Creator for that very
+purpose. And so learn, by my mouth, that thy spell is something in
+thee that resembles the peace of a forest pool. And even to-night, all
+the while we have been together, thou hast been, and art, so curiously
+quiet, like the breast of a swan, bathing in the water of passion and
+emotion without even getting wet, and like the snow of Kailas, never
+melting even in the sun of noon.
+
+And again she looked at me with curiosity: and she sighed, as if to
+dismiss what she could not comprehend. And she said: See! the moon has
+climbed high, and is gazing on the lotuses, and I am tired of
+standing, and the time has come to give thee thy surprise. And she
+drew me away by the hand along the terrace, and down its marble steps,
+till we came to a great tree that hung down over the water like an
+umbrella, leaning from the bank of the pool, so that nothing could be
+seen through its wall. And she took me and turned me with my face to
+the water, and she said: Stand here absolutely still, and do not look
+round, and I will bring thee thy surprise. And then she went quickly
+into the trees.
+
+And I stood waiting, exactly as I was told, listening to her steps as
+she went away, and wondering where she was going, and what she was
+meditating, and what the surprise was, when it came. And so as I
+stood, I said to myself: Can I really be awake, or is it all only a
+long dream? For I seem to have been dreaming ever since I saw her
+first. And time slipped away, and still I stood, straining my ears for
+the sound of her steps returning, and dying to look round, but never
+looking, and haunted by a feeling that was almost terror, saying to
+myself: Why is she away so long, and what if she never returns at all?
+
+And so as I stood, with my soul in my ears, turned as it were behind
+me, suddenly there came round the tree upon the water a great boat of
+the colour of a lotus leaf, turned up at each end like the neck of a
+swan. And it came straight towards me, and as it reached me, its
+boatman stood up, looking at me with a smile.
+
+And I started, and all at once I laughed aloud, for amazement and
+delight: and even so, I hardly knew her to be herself. For she had
+cast away all her deity, and turned herself into a _cheti_, resembling
+a fragrant essence of midnight without a moon, clothed with absolute
+simplicity in soft dead black, with her own dark hair for her only
+decoration, tied in a knot around her head like a cloud of misty
+intoxication, and floating about her shoulders in confusion. And she
+looked at me with questioning eyes that shone bright in the moon's
+rays, and said naively, with a smile that almost broke my heart in
+two: Now I am within a little of being equal to Chaturika? Is the maid
+a substitute for the queen that has disappeared?
+
+And as I gazed at her in rapture without giving any answer, she said
+again: See! now we will float for a little while among the
+moon-lotuses, before we say good-bye. And this is thy surprise. And it
+is a delight that I keep for myself alone, and very few indeed are
+privileged to share it: but to-night, I am the lady of thy dream, and
+I will not do my favours by halves: and so thou shalt be my partner.
+And this is my swan's nest, and my floating cradle, in which I do my
+dreaming: for I can dream dreams as well as thou. And now I am going
+to dream a little, and we will dream together. And come, for the
+lotuses are waiting for us.
+
+And I got into the boat, and pushed it out upon the water, and she
+came to me of her own accord, and locked her arms around my neck. And
+we drifted to and fro, exactly as the boat chose, on the silent black
+mirror of the pool, never saying a single word, but kissing each other
+insatiably with lips that were never tired, lost in the bottomless
+abyss of the ecstasy of mutual union. And all the time she bathed me
+with the beauty of her eyes, that like the pool, drew the moonlight
+down into their dark depths, caressing me with soft hands that touched
+me like the fall of a leaf, and lips that smiled and trembled like the
+shadows of the lotuses in the still water's swirl. And the moon rose
+higher and higher, and the night crept unobserved away, for I was
+utterly unconscious of the passage of any time. And then at last as I
+lay, worn out and overcome by the excess of my own emotion, and
+lulled by the gentle drifting of the boat, and wrapt in the delirium
+of oblivion arising from the unimaginable reality of the lady of my
+dream, unawares I fell asleep.
+
+
+XVI
+
+And when I awoke, lo! the moon was standing on the very edge of the
+western sky, and dawn was glimmering in the east. And the Queen was
+gone! And I leaped out of the boat, which was fastened to the bank,
+and ran up into the garden, which was as dark and as empty of anything
+living as a tomb. And after looking for her a long time in vain, at
+last in despair I went away to the door, and knocked, and it was
+opened; and there stood, not the _pratihari_, but Chaturika. And I
+said: Chaturika, what has become of the Queen? And she said, with
+emphasis: Forget the Queen, and remember thy father: it is time.
+
+And I started, as if she had run a poisoned needle into my ears; for I
+had utterly forgotten all about him. And no sooner had I got out of
+the palace than I ran all the way home through the empty streets. And
+I found my horse waiting, and I sprang on him, just as I was, and I
+went out of Kamalapura, making for the desert as if I were running a
+race with the god of death, to determine which of us should reach my
+father first. And yet as I rode, I was thinking all the time of one
+thing only, to return, quicker even than I went away, and listening
+to my heart that sang without ceasing Tarawali, Tarawali, as if
+keeping time to the rattle of the hoofs of the horse. And after a
+while, I began to say: If I am to return, it will have to be on
+another horse: for whatever else dies, or does not die, this horse
+will die, beyond a doubt, either at the end of his race, or it may be,
+even before.
+
+And it happened as I said. For suddenly the horse fell, to rise no
+more, while yet there was far to go: leaving me alone in the desert,
+with the sun right over my head. And I exclaimed: Alas! out upon fate,
+and out upon my own folly, for now I have killed my horse, that I
+loved better than my own soul! Alas! my horse was like my good
+fortune.[29] And if I had only started in the night, he would have had
+an easy journey, going slower in the cool hours. And I have offered my
+horse a sacrifice, and it may be, my kingdom also, to my deity
+Tarawali. And yet, what does it matter, after all? Is she not worth
+all the horses, and all the kingdoms in the world? Aye! I would give
+them all, for another sunset like last night, with the lady of my
+dream. But what is to be done now? There is absolutely no help for it,
+and I must finish my journey how I can, going slowly on my own feet.
+
+And as I said, so I did: and so it came about, that faint and tired
+and overcome, by hunger and thirst and the long journey and the
+fierceness of the desert sun, I began to reach my own city only as he
+was going down. And as I slowly drew near it, making all the haste I
+could, suddenly there fell on my ear a sound, coming to me from the
+city, that smote it like a blow. And I stopped short, to listen; and
+all the hair on my body stood erect. And I said slowly to myself: I
+have lost the race, after all, for they are wailing in the city, and
+it can be for one thing only, that it is widowed of its King. Aye! I
+am too late. And I have killed my horse for nothing, since Death has
+arrived before me, after all, having annihilated my competition, by
+taking my horse upon the way. And I have reached my journey's end,
+just in time to hear the wailing, as if Death were jeering at me,
+saying as it were in irony: They must travel very fast who think to
+outstrip me.
+
+And I went on to the palace, never stopping at the gate to ask what I
+already knew. And they ran to warn my mother, and she came out of the
+women's quarters, and stood looking at me grimly, covered as I was
+with dust and perspiration, and almost ready to fall down, for sheer
+fatigue. And then she said: Fool! thou art too late, and thy brother
+has the throne. And now thou art little better than an outcast, and
+hast lost thy father, and thy crown, and me.
+
+And I looked at her, and I said: When did the King die? And she said:
+Sunset.
+
+And I uttered a shout of laughter, and threw my hands into the air,
+and fell at her feet in a swoon.
+
+
+XVII
+
+And when I had recovered, in a day or two, I came, so to say, to terms
+with my loss and my condition: saying to myself: After all, my father
+had to die, whether I came to him in time, or not: and I could not
+have saved his life, by my coming, no matter when I came. And so, the
+only thing I lost, by coming late, is my _raj_. But what do I care for
+any _raj_, which, in comparison with Tarawali, resembles a mere pinch
+of dust, thrown into the other scale? Away with the miserable _raj_!
+as if another sunset with the Queen would not be cheaply purchased at
+the price of all the kingdoms in the world! And I passed my days of
+absence in doing absolutely nothing but thinking of Tarawali, and
+waiting, with a soul almost unable to endure, till the moment of
+return. And I sent a secret messenger to Kamalapura, saying to him: Go
+to the palace gate, and ask the _pratihari_ for a _cheti_ called
+Chaturika. And when she comes, tell her by word of mouth, so that
+nobody may hear thee but herself: Greetings to the Queen from
+Shatrunjaya, who has lost his throne on her account, and does not
+care. And when the obsequies are over, he will return to Kamalapura,
+on the night before the moon is full.
+
+And having sent him off, I waited, while the obsequies went slowly on,
+with a soul that almost parted from its body with impatience for an
+answer to my message that might help me to keep alive, saying to
+myself: She cannot send Chaturika, as she did before, since it is too
+far off for anything but a letter or a message, which will have to do
+instead. But neither a letter nor a message ever came: though in the
+meanwhile, my messenger returned with empty hands. And I tortured him
+with questions, but all he had to say was that Chaturika had listened,
+and bidden him to go away. And notwithstanding my bitter
+disappointment, I racked my brain to find excuses for them both,
+saying: I am a fool. How could I expect any reply, since after all I
+never put a question, and silence was the only answer to be given: and
+beyond all doubt, she is waiting till I come? And is it likely that
+she would trust a message to a man she did not know? She is keeping
+her answer to be sent in the form of a summons on the eve of the full
+moon, which was the only answer I was asking for. And yet, in spite of
+all that I could think of to cool the fever that burned in my heart, I
+chafed and pined, sick with anxiety and disappointment, and longing in
+vain for the thing that never came. And I said sadly to myself: Well,
+only too well, she knew, that the very shadow of a sign of any kind,
+from her, would have set my heart dancing like a peacock at the first
+symptom of the coming of the rain. Or can it be, after all, that she
+really did send an answer, which has somehow or other lost its way?
+Aye! no doubt, it must be so, for she is kind, and could not bear to
+think of the misery she knew I must be suffering every moment that I
+am not by her side.
+
+And so, perforce, I waited, gnawing at my own heart, until at last
+the funeral ceremonies were over. And instantly, I took leave of my
+mother, and turned my back on my relations, and set off at a gallop
+for Kamalapura, with my heart singing for delight, like an arrow from
+a bow.
+
+
+XVIII
+
+And I reached it, exactly as I said, on the eve of the full moon. And
+I said to myself, with exultation: Ha! to-morrow night, it will be
+full, and red, and round, exactly as it was a month ago, and shining
+as it did before, upon the boat, and Tarawali, and me. And at the
+thought, I laughed aloud, for sheer joy, and came to my own door, and
+went in. And lo! the very first thing that I saw, when I entered, was
+my lute, lying on the floor with a broken string, and looking at me,
+as it were, with reproach. For a ray of moonlight fell exactly on it
+as it lay, as though to say: See! the moonlight falls not alone on
+happy lovers, but on those that are deserted! And my heart smote me,
+as I looked at it, and I exclaimed: Alas! my old love, thou art indeed
+discarded for another; for I have not given thee a single thought,
+ever since I saw her first. Bitter indeed must be the sorrow of one
+that is cast, like thyself, aside! And then, I threw myself upon my
+bed, forgetting instantly my lute and every other thing in the delight
+of the anticipation of the coming day. And I slept all night, floating
+as it were on a dark wave of the ocean of sweet expectation, and
+smiling so to say in my sleep.
+
+And when morning came, I arose, and went to and fro, singing aloud for
+joy, and saying to myself: Now the moment of reunion approaches, and
+the miserable fever of separation is nearing its end, for the sun has
+arisen and is rushing to his home in the western mountain, and his
+race, and my desolation, will finish exactly together. And now,
+Chaturika is on her way, and will soon be here, looking like the dawn
+of my delight in a delicious feminine form. And she will look at me
+with her laughing eyes, and murmur, Sunset, exactly as before: and
+exactly as before, I shall kiss her, and send her back to the Queen.
+And so I waited eagerly, on the very tiptoe of expectation, with my
+eyes fixed upon the door. But day slowly travelled on, and yet she
+never came. And little by little, my delight slowly turned into
+perplexity, and anxiety, till at last, as hour succeeded hour, each
+longer than a _yuga_, my heart began to sink, lower and lower still,
+and I became actually sick with the agony of my disappointment. For
+the sun was indeed rushing down into the night, and yet she never
+came. And time after time, I went to the door, and opened it, and
+looked out, but no Chaturika was there, and nothing was to be seen but
+the people in the street.
+
+And when at last night actually fell, and found me still waiting, I
+could endure no longer, but I threw myself upon my bed, and lay in a
+stupor in the dark, abandoning all hope, and on the very verge of
+crying like a child. And I said to myself: Is she ill, or is she dead,
+or has she gone away, or what on earth can be the matter? Or can it
+be, after all, that my messenger played me false, and never went? For
+if she really got my message, long ago she would surely have sent
+Chaturika to summon me, knowing that it was impossible for me to come
+of my own accord, and that I should be sitting waiting with my heart
+on fire for her summons to arrive. And so I lay, tossing all night
+long sleepless on my bed, and cursing the moon, which poured as if to
+mock me a silver flood of light upon the floor, seeming to say: Think
+what a night it must be in the garden! until in an agony of
+reminiscence and humiliation, I turned my back to it, and lay with my
+face to the wall. And when at last day returned, I arose and sat, in
+deep dejection, worn out, and at my wits' very end, never even daring
+to look towards the door, which remained obstinately shut. And all day
+long I sat still in a kind of dream, neither eating nor drinking, and
+hopelessly waiting still. And at last once more the sun went down,
+after a day that was longer than a year, leaving me lying in the dark.
+
+And I know not how I got through the night, which I shudder even to
+remember; but when morning came, I was within a very little of being
+mad. And burning with fever, hot and cold by turns, for sheer
+impotence I got up and went out, and wandered up and down the streets,
+till at last for weariness I was obliged to return, though the thought
+of my deserted house was almost more horrible than death. And all at
+once, I looked up, and lo! there was Chaturika herself, coming towards
+me in the street.
+
+
+XIX
+
+And at the sight of her, my heart leaped into my mouth, for she
+resembled the very last link that joined me to the Queen, in a
+feminine form. But at the very moment that I saw her, she saw me also;
+and she turned away, pretending not to see me, and went round the
+corner into another street. And instantly, I leaped after her like a
+deer, and caught her, almost running to escape me. And then, seeing
+that there was absolutely no help for it, she stopped, and stood
+looking at me with defiance, like an animal at bay.
+
+And presently I said: Dost thou not know me, that thou runnest so fast
+to get away? And she said: I never saw thee: I was only in a hurry.
+And I said: Now, from bad, it is worse; thou art lying. And why,
+instead of running away, art thou not rather hastening to meet me?
+Hast thou no message for me from the Queen? And she said: No: none.
+And I exclaimed: What! none? Did not my message come to thee? And she
+said, reluctantly: It came. Then I said: Then the Queen must know that
+I am here. And why has she never sent? And Chaturika said: Is it for
+me to give orders to the Queen? How can I know why she does not want
+thy presence? If she did, she would send. I am not the mistress, but
+only the maid: is Chaturika the equal of Tarawali?
+
+And as she spoke, the tears rose into my eyes, for I remembered the
+words of Tarawali, as she stood up in the boat. And I took her by the
+hand, and looked into her eyes. And I said slowly: Thou knowest only
+too well, for if thou art not her equal, thou art at least her
+familiar. And now, then, cheat me not: since the matter is to me one
+of life or death. Am I thy enemy, or art thou mine? Was it not only
+the other day that thou didst kiss me of thy own accord, as I have
+sat, these last two days, hoping against hope for thee to come and do
+again? And what have I done, to bring about such change? I liked thee
+better, far better, laughing: thou wert so joyous, and so pretty, and
+like the ecstasy in my own heart, in a woman's form. Aye! as I looked
+at thee, it made my heart echo, to hear thee laugh, since we were both
+of us devotees of one and the same deity, Tarawali, thy Queen and
+mine. And now, something has come about, I know not how, to spoil it
+all.
+
+And as I spoke, all unconsciously I gripped the hand that I held of
+hers in mine, and it may be, that my hand whispered to her own what my
+voice alone strove in vain to say. For as I gazed at her in anguish,
+with tears in my eyes, strange! all at once I saw her face change, and
+her lip quiver, and tears stealing, as if against her will, into her
+eyes too. And she tried to laugh, without succeeding: and all at once,
+she squeezed my hand that held her own, with force. And she said, in a
+voice that trembled as it spoke, half laughing and half weeping:
+Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she turns away. And
+suddenly she snatched her hand away from mine, and turned as if to
+go.
+
+And I took her by the shoulder as she stood with her face averted, and
+I said: See, Chaturika, my life is in thy hands. Come, do me this last
+favour, and I will never trouble thee any more. Wilt thou go straight
+to the Queen, and say I met thee in the street, and somehow or other,
+by hook or crook, contrive, that she shall send for me again, and very
+soon, for otherwise I cannot live much longer? Wilt thou? Wilt thou?
+And she hung her head, and said in a voice so low that I could hardly
+hear it: I will try. And I said: Go then, for I will delay thee no
+longer. And yet, listen! Come to me often, as thou art passing by, for
+the very sight of thee is life.
+
+And without speaking, she rolled her head up in her veil, and went
+away very quickly. And I stood, looking after her as she went: saying
+to myself: There goes my last hope. And lucky for me it was that I
+caught her: for without her, I would by this have driven my own sword
+home into my heart.
+
+
+XX
+
+And I went home feeling like a man saved from the very mouth of death,
+saying to myself: Now then, happen what will! for at least I have
+secured the key of the door leading to Tarawali, in the form of her
+maid. And now, it may be, I shall see her very soon. For beyond a
+doubt, there has been some blunder, or perhaps she was occupied with
+business of moment, that left her no leisure for affairs like mine.
+And all my fears may have been in vain. And at least, I can wait with
+hope, and not as I did before, in horrible despair, cut off from every
+means of communication. And I sat with a heart almost at peace,
+prepared to wait till the coming of Chaturika on the following day.
+But it turned out contrary to my expectation. For I had been waiting
+for little more than a single hour, when there came a knock at the
+door. And when I opened, there stood Chaturika again. And she said
+rapidly: The Queen will await thee in the garden to-night at sunset.
+
+And I exclaimed, with a shout of joy: Ha! sunset! It is as I thought.
+Well I knew there was some mistake, and that she could not fail. And
+beyond a doubt, she had forgotten the time, remembering only when
+reminded by thee. Victory to thee, O Chaturika! for to thee alone I
+owe the sunset, and now I will give thee for it almost anything thou
+canst ask. And Chaturika said: Give me nothing. And she stood in
+silence, looking at me with strange eyes, in which, as it seemed, pity
+and curiosity seemed to be mingled with compunction and some element
+that I could not understand. And suddenly she came to me, and laid her
+hand upon my arm. And she whispered very quickly, as if she was half
+afraid of what she said: Do not go. And then, she turned and vanished
+from the room, as if to escape before I had time to ask for
+explanation.
+
+And I said to myself, looking after her in wonder: What! do not go? So
+then, as it seems, there will be danger. But little does she know me,
+if she thinks that any danger would keep me from the Queen. And
+indeed, in the garden there is room for any number of assassins, if
+Narasinha or anybody else were jealous of my visiting Tarawali.
+Danger! And I laughed in derision, that was mixed with intoxication,
+as if the very notion of danger from a rival added, somehow or other,
+to the sweetness of anticipation, by stamping me as a claimant to the
+affection of Tarawali who was greatly to be feared. And all at once,
+light broke in, as it were, upon my soul. And I cried out in ecstasy:
+Danger! Ha! at last, all the mystery is solved. It was danger that
+prevented my Tarawali from sending me any message or bidding me to
+come. And all the while she knew it, and she had to be very careful,
+fearing for my life. And suddenly, I struck my hands together, and I
+cried: Ha! what a fool I am! Why, she told me so herself, when I saw
+her for the second time, and yet I had forgotten it. And all this
+while, in the peevishness of my own oblivion and presumption, I have
+been blaming her, expecting things utterly unreasonable, and loading
+her extraordinary sweetness with miserable suspicions arising from my
+own imagination, and the blindness of my insatiable passion. Ah!
+Tarawali, forgive me if I wronged thee! But I will make it up to thee
+to-night, and beg for thy divine forgiveness at thy feet. And all this
+hesitation was all the while only on my account: and yet, brute that I
+was! I never guessed it, till Chaturika gave me, as it were, a hint,
+and put me upon the scent. And what else was her delay but an
+irrefutable proof of her affection, showing that she chose even to
+allow herself to be misinterpreted rather than let me run on her
+account into the danger that she knew.
+
+And instantly, all the clouds of darkness and desolation rolled away
+in a body from my soul, leaving it bathing in the ruddy glow of
+sunset, and passion, and emotion, exactly as it was before. And I
+waited, plunged in the ecstasy of reminiscence and anticipation, till
+at last the sun began to sink. And then, once more I went, on feet
+dancing with agitation and delight, to the palace gates, and saw the
+_pratihari_ standing waiting as before. And as I entered, never
+doubting that she had instructions of my coming, she barred the way,
+saying: What is thy business? And I said: I have come by appointment
+to see the Queen. Then said the _pratihari_: Thou must come another
+time, for the Queen is not here.
+
+And I stopped short, as if she had suddenly run a dagger into my
+heart. And I said in a low voice: Not here? It cannot be. Thou art
+mistaken. And the _pratihari_ said: There is no mistake at all. She is
+gone. And I said: Gone? Where? When? And she said: She went within
+this hour, to visit her maternal uncle; for want, as I think, of
+something better to do. And when she will return, I cannot say.
+
+And then, my heart stopped. And I stood for a single instant, erect,
+and I turned, as if to go away. And all at once, there came from the
+very middle of my heart, a cry, that tore me as it were to pieces,
+and I fell in the street like a dead man.
+
+
+XXI
+
+And when I came back to myself, I looked, and saw an old man with a
+long white beard gazing at me with anxiety, sitting by my bed in which
+I was lying, having been brought home I know not how as I lay in a
+swoon. And when he saw me look at him, he began to rub his hands
+together, with a little laugh. And he said: Ha! then, as it seems,
+after all, thy soul has returned at last: and it was time. For it had
+been away so long that I was beginning to doubt whether it had not
+said good-bye to thy body, for good and all. And now it has come back
+after all, by the favour of Ganapati, and the help of the Ayurweda,
+and one of Dhanwantari's[30] most unworthy devotees. And I said
+slowly: How long have I been dead? Then said that old physician: It is
+now nearly sunset again, and thou hast lain there without moving ever
+since they brought thee here from the street, about the time of
+sunset, yesterday. And now what is it, that has struck thee down, as
+if by a thunderbolt? For how can the physician cure, unless the
+patient tells him of his case?
+
+And I closed my eyes for a while, as if to rest: and after a while I
+said: O father, there is nothing to tell, to one of thy experience and
+skill: for since childhood, it happens to me, every now and then, to
+fall down and lie in a trance: and when once I come back, all is over,
+and I go on as before, till next time. And now there is nothing to be
+done, but for me to reward thee for thy care, to which I owe my life.
+And though it is a thing of little or no worth, I will count it, for
+thy sake, as if it were a thing of price. And I gave that old man
+gold, and sent him away delighted, for all I wanted was to be rid of
+him as quickly as I could, lest I should fall into a fever and begin
+to rave, and betray my secret against my will.
+
+And then, for many days, I lay, living very slowly, like one in a long
+dream, drinking water, and eating almost nothing, and going over in my
+mind every detail of my life since first I saw the Queen. And it
+seemed to me, as I mused, as if I had died long ago; and everything
+appeared to me like something that had happened long ago, to some
+other than myself. And day very slowly followed day, and life came
+back to me as it were with hesitating steps, as though it knew that it
+was coming to one that scarcely cared to bid it welcome. And then at
+last there came a day when I looked about with curiosity to see what
+might be seen, and lo! there in a corner lay my lute upon the floor.
+
+So, after a while, I said: Lute, canst thou tell me, how it feels to
+be discarded? And I went and took it up, and strung it, and began to
+play. And as fate would have it, there came over the strings as I
+touched them a sadness like my own, that seemed to say: Come, we are
+fellow-sufferers, and now let us weep together, since there is
+absolutely nothing else to do. And suddenly, the lute fell from my
+hands of its own accord, and I fell with it upon the floor. And I
+wept, as if my very soul was about to abandon my body, for sheer
+despair. And as I wept, I came slowly back to the self I was before;
+yet so, that the half of me was left behind, and lost for ever. And I
+said to myself: I have been robbed by Tarawali of all that was worth
+anything in my soul, and it only remains to consider, what is the next
+thing to be done.
+
+And that very evening, I went out of my house for the first time since
+I fell down. And avoiding the streets, I wandered along by bypaths,
+till I reached the river bank. And I hid myself in the bushes, and lay
+watching the sun go down across the river, and thinking of Tarawali
+and her pool, till unawares I went to sleep. And how long I slept I
+know not, but I woke suddenly in the night, roused by the voices of
+two that were talking close beside me, not knowing there was anyone
+by, to overhear. And as I listened carelessly without curiosity, all
+at once there fell on my ear the name of Narasinha.
+
+And instantly, I crawled, like a panther, little by little, nearer to
+those two talkers, until I could easily hear everything they said. And
+one was saying to the other: It will be very easy, and the reward is
+very large. Then the other said: But why does Narasinha want to have
+him slain at all? And the first voice answered: What a question!
+Anyone can see that thou art a stranger to this city. Dost thou not
+know that he is the lover of the Queen, aye! and so, that she is more
+than his life? And yet, for all that, he cannot keep her to himself,
+since she is not only a Queen, and above all his controlling, but also
+a lady of many lovers, roaming like a bee, from flower to flower, as
+she will, and yet leaving each in the lurch almost as soon as it is
+tasted, being as unsteady as the flame of a lamp in the wind, and as
+deep and as crooked as a river, amusing herself as if she were a
+female _trinamani_[31] by watching the irresistible effect of her own
+attraction on the straws that she finds and throws away, as soon as
+she has tested them, regardless of what afterwards becomes of them,
+since they are then absolutely useless, resembling mere husks, whose
+kernel she has eaten. And if he could bear to do without her,
+Narasinha would slay her out of jealousy with his own hands: but as it
+is, he cannot, however much she laughs in his face. And so he repays
+himself by wreaking his vengeance on her lovers, in lieu of herself:
+and one by one, they all pay the penalty of their presumption, in
+having anything to do with her, with their lives: giving him hard work
+to do, since she finds and casts off a new lover almost every day. And
+of all, the only one that has escaped is Shatrunjaya, the mad player,
+who lost his reason altogether when he found himself cast adrift
+without knowing why: and was accordingly passed over by Narasinha, as
+not even needing to be killed, since he was as good as dead already,
+and beyond the reach of revenge.
+
+And the second voice said: What a fool must this Shatrunjaya have
+been, to go mad, over such an _abhisarika_ as this Queen! Then said
+the first with emphasis: Thou art thyself the fool, speaking at random
+without ever having seen her: for she is a very Shri, laughing all the
+other women to utter scorn; and small wonder that he fell a victim to
+such a spell, being as he is very young. And moreover, she is the
+cleverest woman in the three worlds, and easily persuades every lover
+that she is doing as he wishes to oblige him, and not as is really the
+case making him a puppet of her own. And not one of them all ever even
+knows of the existence of any other lover than himself. And
+Shatrunjaya is all the more to be excused, because she really took a
+momentary fancy to him, and cloyed him for a day or two with nectar
+that soon turned poison, as Chaturika says.
+
+And the second voice said: Who is Chaturika? And the first replied:
+She is the niece of my cousin on the mother's side, and she tells me
+all. And Tarawali took her for a confidential _cheti_ on account of
+her cleverness and beauty: as well she might, since the little jade is
+very pretty, and clever enough to be prime minister to any king. And
+between the two of them, who are more than a match for any man that
+ever lived, Shatrunjaya had no chance at all. Little did he know
+Tarawali, thinking to keep her beauty to himself, or confine the
+ocean of her charms to a tank! Poor fool! what a trick they played
+him! For Chaturika says, that Tarawali gave another lover the very
+_rendezvous_ she fixed for him, bidding her _pratihari_ say she was
+gone. Well he might go mad, for as I think, any other man might lose
+his reason, to be kept standing outside the door, while his mistress
+was kissing another man!
+
+And he laughed out loud, as he ended: but I rose up from the ground,
+drawing my _kattari_ from its sheath. And I leaped out of the bushes
+suddenly upon those two laughers, who took me for a ghost in the form
+of the god of death. And I struck at one with the knife, and as luck
+would have it, I all but severed his head from his body at a single
+sweep. And I turned upon the other as he stood terror-stricken,
+staring at me with open mouth, and I said: Thy jest was very good, but
+mine is better still. I am Shatrunjaya, and not mad after all: but
+thou shalt not tell my secret to Narasinha; whom I will send after
+thee in good time. And I struck the knife into his eye, so hard, that
+I could scarcely pull it out again by putting my foot upon his head.
+
+And I left them lying, and went home quickly, laughing to myself, and
+saying: Now they are paid beforehand, with their work still to do, in
+coin very different from that of Narasinha. And his own turn will
+come, by and by. And I wonder whose life I have saved, for I never
+caught his name. But no matter: I have learned, what is left for me to
+do: and it only remains to determine on the way. Alas! Narasinha, thy
+star is beginning to decline. Thou hast just lost thy assassins, and
+presently I will deprive thee of Tarawali, and last, I will rob thee
+of thy life.
+
+
+XXII
+
+And then, day by day, I rose early in the morning, and ate the
+breakfast of a bull-elephant, and went out into the streets, hunting,
+not for a forest beast, but for a human quarry. And I roamed up and
+down through the city all day long, examining everything I met that
+had the shape of a woman with the eye of a hunting leopard. And so I
+continued, day after day, without success. And then at last, on the
+night of the Dipawali, when the streets were full of people, suddenly
+I saw her coming straight towards me. But she never saw me, by reason
+of the crowd: and the prey is not thinking of the hunter, when the
+hunter is thinking of the prey. And I hid myself in a doorway, and let
+her pass by; and I followed her with stealthy steps until at last she
+turned away into a narrow lane that resembled the jaws of death. And I
+caught her up with silent tread, and all at once I took her by the
+wrist as she went, with a grip like an iron band.
+
+And she turned and saw me, and she started, and uttered a faint cry.
+And instantly I said: Cry out, even once, and I will sever thy head
+from its body. Make absolutely no noise, and I will do thee absolutely
+no harm. But come with me, for I need thee for a little while. I have
+been at pains to find thee, and now I will not let thee go. But unless
+thou dost exactly as I tell thee, I will treat thee as I did thy
+accomplice on the river bank, a little while ago. And she turned a
+little paler as she listened, understanding that I did not speak in
+jest. And I said: Go on before me, in silence, to my house, for well
+thou art acquainted with the way. And I will follow, just behind, and
+if thou makest, as thou goest, so much as a sign, thy head will roll
+from its shoulders on the instant. And she bowed her head, and went.
+And when we reached the door, I opened it and we went in. And I shut
+the door, and there was no other light than the moonlight, which fell
+in a flood upon the floor. And I said: Sit there in the moonlight, for
+I have something to say to thee. And she sat upon the floor, watching
+me with fascination like a bird before a snake.
+
+And I walked to and fro before her, and suddenly I stopped, and I
+said: Tell me, O Chaturika, what would the Queen say, if I told her of
+thy habit of babbling to thy relations of her secrets? And for answer,
+Chaturika began to sob, grovelling upon the floor at my feet. And I
+said: Sit still, thou little fool, and listen: for thou shalt earn my
+forgiveness by doing as I bid thee: and if not, I will save the Queen
+trouble by becoming thy executioner myself. To-morrow night, I must
+see her in the garden as before: and it can only be by thy
+contrivance. And now, how is it to be done?
+
+And Chaturika said, weeping: To-morrow night it cannot be, since she
+has given that evening to another. And moreover, for thee every night
+is equally impossible, for she will not see thee any more. And how
+canst thou pass the _pratihari_, or enter by the door, without her
+permission? And now between the Queen and thee, I am in the jaws of
+death. For thou wilt slay me, if I do not find thee entrance into the
+garden: and she will, if I do.
+
+And I looked at her with scrutiny and I said: I will help thee out of
+jeopardy. There must be another entrance to the garden. Is there no
+other door? And she said unwillingly: There is, but none can enter
+from without, unless he has the key, which the Queen trusts to no
+custody but her own.
+
+And I said: Then the way is found, luckily for thee: and thou art
+saved, since none will ever guess thy part in the arranging for my
+entry, if as I imagine thou art only sufficiently adroit to procure
+for me a key without her knowledge. And that I leave to thee, only be
+careful to bring it in good time, before to-morrow evening. And in the
+meanwhile, go and tell that other lover that the Queen has changed her
+mind: and put him off to any other day, it does not matter which,
+seeing that it will never come at all: since for the future, I am
+going to be the only lover of the Queen.
+
+And then, Chaturika looked at me in such amazement that it deprived
+her for an instant of her terror, and suddenly she began to laugh. And
+I stooped and lifted her, and whirled her in the air, and stood her
+breathless on her feet. And I took her two hands and held them tight,
+and I said: Dost thou feel what thou art in hands like mine, a
+feather, and a nothing, and a straw? Now listen and be wise. Stand out
+of the way, between the Queen and me, for we shall crush thee, and the
+battle is one that I mean to win. And now I am going to show her
+something that she never saw before, the strength of a man: for a
+woman presumes, forgetting altogether that she owes all to the
+forbearance of one who can sweep her away if he chooses, like a wild
+elephant snapping a twig. And if anything goes amiss by any treachery
+of thine, I will break thee in pieces with my bare hands, hide where
+thou wilt, making it unnecessary even to betray thee to the Queen. And
+now, what have I ordered thee to do?
+
+And Chaturika said humbly, quivering like a wild heifer that is
+suddenly tamed by the sound of a tiger's roar: To put off a lover and
+bring thee a key.
+
+And I said: Thou hast still forgotten the thing without which both are
+useless, and that is, to show me the outside of the door to be opened
+by the key. And that thou shalt do at once. Go out now, and walk
+without stopping straight to the door: and I will follow in thy steps.
+And do not look back, until thou art standing just beside it, and then
+turn for a single instant, and meet my eye without a sign. And then
+begone where thou wilt until to-morrow.
+
+And I opened the door and let her out, and she went away very quickly,
+leading me through the city and past the palace gates, and a long way
+round the palace wall, until at last she suddenly came to a dead stop,
+beside a little door in the wall, that stood exactly opposite a ruined
+temple of the great god. And there she turned and looked at me, and
+then continued on her way until she disappeared. And I stood and
+watched her go, saying to myself: I think she will bring me the key
+to-morrow, without dreaming of betraying me: for I scared her almost
+to death, and she is frightened. And I was very sorry for her, and yet
+it was the only thing to do, for there was no other means of reducing
+her to absolute submission. And yet she was beautiful to look at, even
+so, resembling as she did a feminine incarnation of audacity suddenly
+changed into unconditional obedience by standing between two appalling
+dangers, and only doubting which was the most to be feared. And very
+strange is the difference fixed by the Creator between a woman and a
+man: since the very timidity that makes him utterly contemptible only
+makes her even more beautifully delicious than she was before.
+
+
+XXIII
+
+And next day, I waited all the morning for Chaturika to come, and noon
+arrived without her coming. And I said to myself as I sat waiting: She
+will come by and by, and I cannot expect her very early, for she may
+have many other things to do as well as mine. And it may be no easy
+task that I have given her to do. And now, what am I to say to
+Tarawali, when I come upon her in the garden, and see her, O ecstasy!
+again? And strange! at the very thought of seeing her again, my heart
+began to burn, as if turning traitor to my own determination. And I
+said sadly to myself: Alas! I am afraid, or rather I am sure, that the
+very sight of her will be like a flood, in which every fragment of my
+resentment against her for treating me as she has done, and every atom
+of my resolution, and every recollection of all that I have heard to
+her discredit, will be swept away like chips and straws. Do what she
+may, I cannot drive my affection for her out of my heart, which
+obstinately clings to her image, utterly refusing to be torn away. And
+notwithstanding all that those two rascals said in her disparagement,
+my soul laughs them to utter scorn, telling them they lie. And who
+knows? For who could believe that a body so unutterably lovely could
+harbour a soul so unutterably base as they said, on evidence such as
+theirs? Aye! my recollection of her soul is an argument in her favour
+that nothing that they said can overcome, and I could forgive her
+absolutely anything, when I think of the gentle sweetness that echoed
+in her every word, resembling a perfume somehow mixed with her voice.
+And yet if my resolution wavers, even now, how will it be when she
+actually stands before me as she will to-night? And yet, how is it
+possible to absolve her for her inexplicable behaviour to me?
+
+And so as I mused, touching all unconsciously the strings of my lute
+which was lying in my hands suddenly a thought came into my mind of
+its own accord. And I took the lute and unstrung it, and chose from
+among its strings one, which I rolled like a bangle on my wrist. And I
+said to the lute aloud: Old love, we will work together: for if indeed
+she is my enemy, she is thine as well. And if, as those assassins
+said, she is only a body without a soul, playing on us both merely for
+her own amusement, then we will give her together a music lesson of a
+novel kind, and teach her that the deadliest of all poisons is a love
+that has been betrayed.
+
+And suddenly I heard loud laughter, like an echo to my words. And I
+looked up, and lo! there was Haridasa, standing in the open door. And
+he said: What is this, O Shatrunjaya? Whom art thou about to poison,
+or who is going to poison thee? And hast thou solved thy problem,
+since I saw thee from the camel's back, pondering on thy own beauty?
+Or hast thou arrived already at the poison in the bottom of love's
+cup? How is good advice thrown away upon a fool! Did I not warn thee?
+Wilt thou never understand that the nectar of a woman is like the red
+of dusk, lasting for but an instant, and like the cream of milk,
+turning sour if it is kept, and like foam of the sea, which exists
+only during agitation, melting away into bitterness and ordinary water
+as soon as it is still? As indeed every woman well knows, without
+needing to be told, and therefore it is that she is nectar always to a
+stranger, and insipid, even when she is not very disagreeable, to her
+friends, losing her fascination, like the thirst of the antelope[32]
+on Marusthali, for all that approach her too near: since all her
+delusion depends upon her distance, and vanishes altogether by
+proximity. Keep her always at a distance, O Shatrunjaya, if thou art
+anxious to remain under the spell.
+
+And I said: Haridasa, I am only a fool, as thou sayest, but thou art
+wise. And now, wilt thou serve me at a pinch, by something more than
+good advice? And he said: By what? Then I said: To-night, I have
+business that I cannot avoid, and yet I cannot go out, unless I can
+find one whom I can absolutely trust to remain here till morning in my
+place, to guard a deposit. And so, wilt thou be my guard? And Haridasa
+said: I cannot refuse, if thy need be extreme. For men to be
+absolutely trusted are very rare, and I am one. And is thy deposit
+large? And I laughed, and I said: Nay, on the contrary, it is very
+small. And it will be here in another moment, for I have been waiting
+for it all day long. And as I spoke, lo! Chaturika appeared in the
+door, as if by a toss of the curtain,[33] And I said to Haridasa: Here
+it is.
+
+And seeing that I was not alone, Chaturika turned, as if to go away.
+And I called out to her, saying: Wait but for a single instant, O thou
+destitute of patience, and give me back my key that I gave thee last
+night, since I am in sore need of it. And then she came to me in
+silence and gave me a key. And I said: Hast thou put off the
+petitioner as I desired, to another day? And she said: Yes. And then I
+went to the door, and shut it. And I said to Haridasa: I have an
+appointment, with one who may be friend or foe, for I cannot tell. But
+here is a hostage, that I leave behind me. Keep her for me, and never
+take thy eyes off her, and give her back to me, safe and sound, on my
+return. But if the sun rises to-morrow, and I am not here, cut her
+head off, for she will have led me into a trap, all unaware that she
+was setting it for herself as well.
+
+And Haridasa looked thoughtfully at Chaturika as she stood aghast,
+rubbing his chin with his hand. And he said slowly: It would be a
+great pity, my pretty maiden, if he came late, for thy head looks very
+well as it is on thy little body, which without it would look as
+melancholy as a palm broken short off by the wind.[34] And yet, do not
+weep. For Shatrunjaya is a bad judge of men and women, and I am a very
+good one. And if, as I think, he is altogether wronging thee by his
+suspicion, thou hast absolutely nothing to fear from me, and I will be
+thy father and thy mother till he returns to free thee in the morning.
+So dry thy tears, and I will return to thee in a moment to make thee
+laugh.
+
+And he led me away out at the door, and shut it behind him. And he
+said: Shall I tell thee the name of thy very pretty deposit? Dost thou
+think I do not know what thou art endeavouring so clumsily to hide?
+Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she turns away?
+
+And as I started, staring at him in stupefaction, he said with a
+laugh: Ha! thou hast heard it before? Didst thou not betray to me thy
+secret unawares, repeating it before? What! dost thou not know, it is
+the Queen's verse, which all the people in the city sing of every man
+who dooms himself by becoming the Queen's lover? I could have told
+thee, even without seeing Chaturika at all, that it was Tarawali
+herself who was thy nectar, and is going to be thy poison; and well I
+understand who is the friend or foe to whom thou art just about to go.
+It is the Queen.
+
+And he took me by both hands, and looked straight into my eyes. And he
+said: Fool! and art thou actually hoping still for the nectar that is
+gone? Thy hope will be in vain. I told thee, without naming her, to
+hold her very cheap, if ever thou wouldst have her hold thee dear. It
+was useless to restrain thee, for thou wouldst not have believed me,
+no matter what I said. There was but a single chance. For the moment
+that she sees that her fascination works, and that her lover lies
+gazing without reason or senses at her terrible beauty, she is
+satisfied, and throws him away: whereas had he only the strength to
+resist it, she might against her will fall in love with him herself
+for sheer exasperation at her impotence, in his case alone. But she
+swept thee clean away like a straw in a flood, and thou art lost. Thou
+hast been playing unaware with a queen-cobra, that has smitten thy
+soul with the poisonous fascination of its magnificent hood and its
+deadly eyes, and bitten thy heart with its venomed fang; and now all
+remedies are worse than useless, and come too late. I can see death
+written on thy brow, and almost smell its odour in the air. Beware of
+Narasinha!
+
+And he went in, and shut the door upon himself and Chaturika, leaving
+me alone in the street.
+
+
+XXIV
+
+And I stood in the street, staring at the door as it shut behind him,
+as motionless as a tree. And I murmured to myself: Nectar when she
+turns towards thee: poison when she turns away! So then, it is the
+Queen's verse, sung of others and sung of me! And this was the meaning
+all the time! And this is what Chaturika was thinking of, every time
+she said it, laughing at me in her sleeve, as beyond a doubt she has
+laughed at many another man before! And this is what the people say!
+And all the time I thought myself exceptional, I was only being made a
+fool, and one of a large number, and a laughing-stock for the whole
+city, and branded, as it were, with ridicule and ignominy as a
+plaything of the Queen, and going about unconsciously with her label
+round my neck: Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she
+turns away!
+
+And suddenly, rage rushed into my heart in such a flood that it felt
+as if it were about to burst. And from motionless that I was, I began
+all at once to run in the direction of the palace, as though about to
+wreak my vengeance on the Queen without waiting for a single instant.
+And then I stopped abruptly and began to laugh. And I exclaimed: Am I
+actually going mad, for as yet it is still day, and I cannot even get
+into the garden till the sun has set. And after thinking for a moment,
+I went away to the river bank to wait till the sun was down. And there
+I threw myself down at full length upon the ground, with my chin upon
+my hands.
+
+And then, strange! as I lay, little by little my heart began to cool,
+and all its fury ebbed gradually away. For as I thought of Tarawali,
+it seemed as it were to say to me: I cannot find room, on second
+thoughts, for any rage at all, since I belong absolutely to the Queen.
+And all my rage turned slowly into such unutterable longing that her
+image seemed to grow dim, seen through the mist of eyes that were
+suffused with tears, as recollection brought her back to me saying:
+This is how she looked when she saw thee first, and this again, is how
+she lay in the swing, and this again, when she stood up before thee,
+as a _cheti_, in the moonlit boat. And I exclaimed in desperation:
+Alas! O Tarawali, must I then condemn thee, whether I will or no? For
+they all say the same of thee, and as it might seem, it must be true,
+and yet no matter, for I absolutely cannot either hate thee or
+believe them, when I think of thee as I saw thee myself. And my heart
+laughs in scorn at all the efforts of my reason, never wavering for an
+instant from thy side, like an incorruptible ally, that cannot be
+induced by any bribe whatever to abandon its allegiance. Aye! would
+she but open her arms to me again, I should forget everything else in
+the three worlds, to snatch her in my own. How is it possible to hate
+her? And beyond all doubt, that rascal I slew hit the mark, when he
+said that Narasinha cannot quarrel with her, being utterly unable to
+do without her, disarmed in all his attempts to oppose her by his own
+conviction that she is absolutely indispensable to his own life. For
+she may have deserved ten thousand deaths, and yet what does it
+matter, if for all that she is a thing that once lost or destroyed can
+never be replaced, as indeed she is, resembling the _Kaustubha_,[35]
+or the third eye of the Moony-crested god, of which in the three
+worlds there is only one. And so since he cannot do without her, she
+is beyond all reach, and invulnerable, doing with impunity exactly
+what she pleases, caring nothing whether he loves or hates her, and
+laughing at the very notion of being brought to book, secure in the
+magic circle of her own irresistible attraction, whose very power of
+destroying all others is her own protection, like a spell with a
+double edge, such that, as that rascal said, she cannot refrain from
+amusing herself by trying its effect on all.
+
+And who could find it in his heart to blame her for delighting in the
+exercise of her own spell, like a child rejoicing in its toy, aye!
+even were he himself its victim, as its effect would be the same, no
+matter what she did, seeing that she must attract whether she will or
+no? Being what she is, she cannot help it: it is involuntary and
+beyond her control. And alas! I fell before it without a shadow of
+resistance, enslaved even before I saw it by her own dream, not even
+affording her the pleasure of watching her fascination gradually
+overcoming opposition, and asserting its power, and subduing me to her
+domination, against my will. And so I became a thing of no value to
+her at all, since in my case there was nothing to overcome. Ah! had I
+only been capable of seeming to be one on whom her charm would not
+work, then indeed, as Haridasa says, I might have prevailed: and she
+might herself have fallen victim to the man who defied her fascination
+and laughed in her face, out of pique and irritation at her own
+impotence. And all the more, if what that rascal said have any truth,
+that she actually took a momentary fancy to me, strange as it seems.
+But alas! as he said, it is all too late.
+
+And suddenly I started to my feet with a beating heart. And I
+exclaimed: Too late! But what if it were not too late, after all?
+
+And as I stood, thinking of it, struck into sudden agitation by my own
+idea, hope glimmered in the darkness of my soul like the first faint
+streak of rosy dawn at the end of a black night. And the dream of the
+bare possibility of bringing back Tarawali with all her old
+intoxicating sweetness almost took away my breath. And after a while,
+I said to myself: Yes, indeed, he actually said, that she took a fancy
+to me, even though it were only for a moment. And how could he have
+known it, if she had not herself confessed it to Chaturika, from whom
+alone he could have heard it, since very certainly he never learned it
+from Tarawali herself? Aye! and was not Chaturika herself far sweeter
+at the beginning, just as if she knew I was no ordinary lover, but one
+with a little foothold in the Queen's heart? And if, then, I was ever
+there, why could I not return? And if her fancy has gone to sleep,
+could I not awake it? Can it be already so absolutely dead as never to
+revive, with not a single spark among the ashes to be refanned into a
+flame? How would it be, could I but manage to persuade her she was
+utterly mistaken, in supposing that I was only a miserable victim of
+her spell? How, if I could convince her that I valued all her
+fascinations at a straw? Would she not at least be tempted to try them
+all on me again, if only to test them and discover whether I was lying
+or in very truth proof against all the power of her charm? And if only
+she did, what then? For once she began, it would all depend on me,
+whether she ever stopped any more.
+
+And all at once, I uttered a shout of hope and exultation and
+excitement, suddenly taking fire at the picture painted by my own
+craving imagination. And I exclaimed: Ha! who knows? And at least, I
+can try. And even if I fail, it cannot possibly be worse than it is
+already, drowned as I am in misery without her: whereas, if I could
+succeed! Ah! I would barter even emancipation for a single kiss! And O
+that my courage may not fail, turning coward at the very first sight
+of her again! For the struggle to appear indifferent, in such an ocean
+of rapture, will be terrible indeed, since even now, the very thought
+of it makes me tremble, being enough to make me fall weeping at her
+feet. And now the sun is setting, and it is time to go: and in a very
+little while, fate will decide, whether she and I are to die or live.
+For I cannot live without her, and unless she will allow me to live
+with her, she shall not live at all, either alone, or with anybody
+else. For she will kill me, by driving me away, and I will take her
+with me, if I am to die.
+
+
+XXV
+
+And then I went away with rapid steps, all through the city, till I
+reached the little ruined temple, that stood exactly opposite the door
+that Chaturika had shown me the night before. And I hid myself behind
+the image of the Moony-crested god, and watching my opportunity that
+none should see me, all at once I crossed the street and tried the key
+in the door, almost shaking with anxiety, lest after all she had
+played me false, by giving me at haphazard some key that would not
+fit. But O joy! the key turned, and the door opened, and I went
+through. And very carefully I closed it again, and then, first of
+all, I hid the key in a hole in the wall, making sure of my return.
+And then I drew a deep sigh, almost unable to believe myself once more
+in that garden which held Tarawali hidden somewhere in its dark
+recesses. And I said to myself, with emotion: Ah! now, come what may,
+at least I shall look upon her again, and very soon. And even for that
+alone, I am ready to die. And it may very well be that death is close
+at hand. For if Chaturika is in the pay of Narasinha, as she very well
+may be, and has betrayed me, I may be walking straight into a trap.
+For his assassins may be posted in the trees in almost any number. And
+little should I care to die, so long as they only slew me on my
+return; but I am terribly afraid of being slain before I see her. For
+then indeed I should suffer the agony of a double death.
+
+And I went on slowly in the shadow of the trees, guessing my
+direction, for I was going by a way I did not know, fearing not at all
+the death that might suddenly spring out upon me, but dreading far
+more than death the possibility of its anticipating my discovery of
+the Queen. And little by little, as nothing happened, I forgot my
+fears, saying to myself: To-morrow I will give Chaturika anything in
+the world, and beg her pardon for suspecting her of breaking faith.
+But in the meantime, I must above all manage to come upon Tarawali
+unawares, and escape her observation until I catch sight of her
+myself: for if she saw me first, she might hide, or even go away
+altogether, leaving me to look for her in vain, and making all
+assassination superfluous, since if I do not find her I shall simply
+die of my own accord, long before morning, of disappointment and
+despair. And so I went on very slowly, making absolutely no noise,
+like a Shabara stalking a wild elephant in the forest, dying of
+expectation, and yet not daring to make haste, for fear of losing all:
+until at last, after a very long time, I came to the terrace by the
+pool once more. And then I looked, and suddenly I caught sight of her,
+standing alone, like a pillar, on the very verge of the terrace steps.
+
+And I stopped short in the shadow of a tree, to watch her for a little
+and master my emotion, holding my breath, and lost, not only in the
+ecstasy of being close to her again, but in sheer admiration of the
+wonder that I saw. For she was dressed as it seemed all in silver
+gauze, looking ashy pale in the moonlight, and she was standing
+absolutely straight up, with her two hands clasped behind her head,
+turning half towards me, so that I could just see her dark hair
+between her two bent arms, lit up not by a star, but a diadem like a
+young moon, that shone all yellow as if made by a row of topaz suns,
+so that she looked like a feminine incarnation of the Moony-crested
+god, smeared with silver sheen instead of ashes. And as she stood
+still with her two feet close together, gazing at the pool, with her
+head leaning a little back against the pillow of her hands, alone in
+the very middle of the terrace on the very edge of its top step, with
+nothing but the dusk for her background, resembling a great jar, her
+solitary silent figure, rising from its narrow base into lustrous
+moonlit curves that ended in the tall bosses of her breast, spread
+wide by her opened arms, stood out in a vision of exact and perfect
+balance, so marvellously lovely, that as I gazed at it, remembering
+how I held it in my arms, unable to contain my agitation, I uttered a
+deep sigh.
+
+And instantly, she spoiled the picture, by changing her position, and
+looking straight towards me. And not being able to see me clearly by
+reason of the deep shadow that obscured me, she came back along the
+terrace in my direction, walking exactly as she did before, with the
+same intoxicating straightness of carriage, and the same rapid and
+undulating step, till I could have laughed aloud for very joy to see
+her coming to me, like the desire of my own heart incarnate in her
+round and graceful form. And as she reached me, she said, with exactly
+the same low and sweet and gentle voice that I was yearning with all
+my soul to hear again: Thou art late, for I have been waiting for thee
+a long time.
+
+And suddenly I came as it were to myself, on the very verge of ruining
+all, by falling at her feet:[36] saying to myself with an effort: Now
+then, all is lost beyond redemption, unless I play the man. And I came
+out of the shadow, saying with obeisance: O lovely Queen, that is thy
+own fault, and not mine.
+
+And she started back, with a faint cry, exclaiming in the extremity of
+sheer amazement: Shatrunjaya! How in the world hast thou got in here?
+
+And I answered with a smile, though my heart beat like a drum within
+me: Ah! thou delicious Queen, in this lower world many things come
+about contrary to expectation, of which this is one. And if thy own
+surprise is extreme, so is mine: since, as it seems, my coming is not
+only unexpected, but unwelcome. And yet how short a time it is, since
+thou didst entertain me with a sweetness so extraordinary, and so
+spontaneous, and so mutually tasted, that I thought only to give thee
+pleasure by repeating the experience, and that is why I came. And if
+thou art sorry to look at me again, I do not share in thy feeling,
+since all the pains I have taken to arrive are repaid by even a single
+glance at thyself. For surely even Indra's heaven cannot hold anything
+so unimaginably lovely as thou art to-night.
+
+And still she stood, gazing at me with strange eyes, and she murmured
+to herself, half aloud: Shatrunjaya! It cannot be! And I said: Nay,
+thou very lovely lady, but it can: since here I am, and I am I. And
+why not? Didst thou think I had forgot, what could not easily be
+forgotten, how we floated together in thy cradle among the lotuses? Or
+is it any wonder if I have thought of nothing else, ever since, but
+how to return? But as to how I came, it is a secret, that I do not
+choose to tell, since the fancy may take me to come again. And judging
+by thy excessive condescension when we met before, I did not think
+very much to displease thee, if I ventured to substitute myself this
+evening for another, who cannot even hope to rival me in the only
+thing that matters, my unutterable adoration of thyself: since of thy
+favour we are both of us equally unworthy. And yet, if, as it seems, I
+was utterly mistaken and the substitution is not to thy taste, I can
+very easily atone for my blunder by going away again at once. Dost
+thou really imagine me one to force himself upon a lady who wishes him
+away? O thou very lovely Queen, not at all. For I am just as good a
+man among men, as thou art a woman among women: and if I am not to thy
+taste, then, O thou fastidious beauty, neither art thou to mine. For
+the essence of every lovely woman's charm is her caress, which springs
+from her affection, and the desire to make herself nectar to her
+lover, without which salt, even beauty is beautiful in vain. And I
+care absolutely nothing for a beauty that does not take the trouble to
+be sweet. And well I know, by experience, how sweet thou canst be,
+aye! sweeter by far than any honey whatsoever, if it pleases thee to
+try. So choose for thyself, whether I shall stay, and revel like a
+great black bee in thy sweetness, as once I did before; or go away.
+But let me tell thee, pending thy decision, that if thou dost not take
+thy opportunity when it offers, it will never more return; for as I
+said, I do not like coming where my coming is met with distaste. But
+as I think, if thou wilt allow me to advise thee, and help thee to
+decision, we may as well make the most of one another, now that we
+are here, otherwise the moonlight will be wasted altogether, since
+to-night at least, thy other lover will not come. For I have taken
+care to exclude him, and we shall not be disturbed by any disagreeable
+interruption. And so, either thou wilt have to do without a lover
+altogether, or take me, for sheer want of something else. And the
+first would be a pity, and all the delicious trouble thou hast taken
+to deck thy beauty for its proper object, the delight of a lover,
+would be lost. For in thy silver ashes and thy moony tire, thou
+needest no third eye to destroy thy enemies, since thy divinity is so
+overpowering that not to employ it as it was designed to be employed
+would be a crime.
+
+
+XXVI
+
+And all the while I spoke, she stood, as curiously still as if she
+were made of marble, looking at me quietly, with her head thrown just
+a little back, and her left hand pressed very tight against her
+breast, and eyes that I could not understand. For they rested on me
+absolutely without anger, seeming as it were not to see me at all, but
+filled with some strange perplexity, as if she were hunting for
+something in her recollection that she could not find. And when I
+ended, she continued to stand, exactly in the same position, for so
+long, that I began to wonder what could possibly be passing in her
+soul. And I said to myself, as I waited in terrible suspense: Now very
+likely, in another moment, she will summon her attendants, and have
+me ejected, as well she might, for my almost inconceivable
+impertinence, which almost broke my own heart in two, to utter it at
+all. And if so it seems, even to myself, what must it seem to her? Aye
+indeed! for every word, I deserve ten thousand deaths, and I could
+forgive her, no matter what she did. Aye! and if, in a very little
+while, she does not speak, I shall be throwing myself at her feet and
+begging to be forgiven, unable any longer to endure.
+
+And then at last, all at once, her tension relaxed, and she sank back
+suddenly into her old soft sweetness, with a deep sigh. And her eyes
+seemed, as it were, to come back to me, and find me for the first
+time, and there stole over her lips a little smile. And as I saw it,
+my heart almost broke with delight, for I said to myself: She has
+changed her mind about me; after all, and now my plan is beginning to
+succeed. Alas! little did I fathom the unfathomable intelligence of
+that extraordinary Queen! And presently she said, with exactly the
+same gentleness in her low voice that made my heart tremble exactly as
+before, every time it spoke: Thou art, beyond all doubt, the very
+first man in all the world, not only for effrontery and impertinence,
+but also, for this, that thou hast succeeded in imposing upon me,
+which no man ever yet did before. For in my simplicity I had thought
+thee quite another, making in thy solitary instance a mistake, unusual
+with me, and making me ashamed: since as a rule, men's hearts are no
+secret for my own, and I read them at a glance.
+
+And she looked at me with a smile, and inscrutable clear eyes, whose
+expression was a puzzle to my soul. And I said: Then, since thou
+readest hearts so easily, why couldst thou not read mine also, as it
+is very plain thou didst not? And she said: Why very plain? And I
+said: Why didst thou send no answer to my message, and why didst thou
+summon me at sunset, and yet go away, leaving me nothing but the scorn
+of thy servants at thy gate?
+
+And she looked at me in blank amazement, and she said: What dost thou
+mean? I never got any message, and if any summons came to thee, it was
+not sent by me. For I have not heard anything of thee at all, since I
+left thee at midnight in my boat.
+
+And as she spoke, there came a mist before my eyes, and all the blood
+in my body rushed suddenly into my heart, as if to burst it, and then
+as suddenly left it, so that I almost swooned. And all at once, I
+exclaimed with a shout: Chaturika! Ah! then I was deceived! Ah! then
+it was not thou! Ah! then I was not slighted by thee as a thing to be
+despised! Ah! then thou art not as they say, one that forgets and
+throws away her lovers almost as soon as she has seen them first! Ah!
+had I only known, I never would have stolen unawares into thy privacy
+to-night! Say, say, that thou art not such a woman as they say!
+
+And again she looked at me, with those strange quiet eyes; and after a
+while, she said with a sigh: Thou art right. They say, but they do not
+understand. And yet, what does it matter what they say? Is it my
+fault, if every man that sees me is seized as it were with madness,
+and instantly steps over the line that divides friendship from
+passionate affection, asking me for what I cannot give him, with such
+eager insistence, that in my own defence I am driven to dismiss him
+altogether? And she smiled, and she said, with playfulness and wistful
+eyes: Must I belong to everyone, merely because he claims me as his
+own, and his property, and give myself to everyone that sees me in a
+dream?
+
+And I trembled from head to foot, and I said in a voice that shook
+with entreaty and emotion like a leaf: Ah! then have I thy permission
+to stay with thee to-night, notwithstanding my overweening presumption
+in coming of my own accord without an invitation? Ah! I did not know:
+my heart is breaking: do not send me away!
+
+And as she stood, looking at me with irresolution, I stretched my
+hands towards her, absolutely senseless, and not knowing what I did.
+And she hesitated for yet a little while; and then, with a sigh, she
+put her two hands into my own. And with a shudder of joy, I pulled her
+to me, and caught her once more in my arms, and began to kiss her,
+with hot tears that fell upon her face, quivering all over with the
+extremity of my agitation, and not believing that it was not a dream.
+
+And then, after a long while, I came, somehow or other, to my senses,
+and became, a little, master of myself. And I looked at her with eyes
+dim with affection, and I took her two arms, and put them round my
+neck. And I whispered in her ear: Now give me a kiss for every day
+that I have not seen thee, since I fell asleep in thy boat. And as if
+with resignation and compliance and submission to my will, she did
+exactly as I told her, stopping time after time, but I would not let
+her stop. And at last, I stopped. And I said: There are more still
+owing, for thou hast not counted right. But now I will ask thee a
+question, just to give thee time to breathe.
+
+
+XXVII
+
+And as I held her still in my arms, with her own arms round my neck,
+she said: Ask. Then I said: Didst thou know, when I came to thee last
+time, that my coming delayed me in a matter of life and death? And she
+said: Something I knew, from the chatter of Chaturika. And I said:
+Didst thou know that my kingdom depended on my going fast? For as it
+is, I lost it, all by coming late. And she said: It was no business of
+mine. And I said: What! wouldst thou deprive me of a kingdom, by
+placing thyself, for a single sunset, in the other scale? And she
+said: I did not bid thee stay. I had sent to thee already, asking thee
+to come: and if another summons called thee, after mine, the choice
+was thine, between them. I told thee only, I awaited thee: and it was
+true. And I said: What if I had not come? And she said: Then it may
+be, thou wouldst have kept thy kingdom, and lost thy interview with
+me. That is all. It was not I, who had anything to do either with
+causing thy dilemma, or determining its conclusion. And I said: Beyond
+a doubt, the loss of any kingdom would be a trifle in comparison with
+thy affection: and yet the loss is certain, and the affection
+doubtful. For I showed thee very plainly which I chose, and my kingdom
+is gone. I have thrown it clean away for thy sake. And have I its
+equivalent? Wilt thou make it up to me by giving me thy soul? And she
+said, gently: It is not mine, to give away, for I belong to Narasinha,
+body and soul, as I told thee long ago.
+
+And I said: How canst thou say so, when I hold thee in my arms? And
+she said, quietly: Thou art but a momentary accident, due rather to my
+yielding myself, against my own will, and of pity for thy unhappy
+passion, than to any hold that thou hast on my heart. And Narasinha
+learned of thy former visit to me in this garden, as very soon he will
+learn of this also, since I tell him every detail of my life, great or
+small. And he made me promise never to see thee any more. And so I had
+intended: but thou hast managed to steal in, somehow or other, of thy
+own accord. It is not by my doing that thou art here now at all.
+
+And I let her go, and stood gazing at her with amazement, that was
+mixed with bitter disappointment and irritation, and fierce
+exasperation at this obstacle of Narasinha, who, out of my reach, and
+hiding behind her as a screen, issued orders that I was to be shut out
+of her garden and banished from her presence, whether she would or
+not. And my heart swelled with resentment and indignation, and I said:
+O Tarawali, Narasinha may shut his eyes, or not, as he chooses, but I
+am very different, and will not take orders as to thee, from him or
+anybody else. Thou art my mistress and not his. And she shook her
+head, and she said, very gently: Nay, thou dost not understand. I am
+not anybody's mistress. I am my own mistress, and do exactly as I
+please, whether he or any other like it or not. There lives not the
+man who shall say to me: Here is a line, and over it, thou shalt not
+step. And whatever I do, I do, of my own free will, not of obedience,
+but of my own consent. I have given my body and soul away, but my will
+is mine.
+
+And I said with emphasis: I have bought thee at the price of a
+kingdom, and become a beggar on thy account, and mine thou art, by
+right. Dost thou actually tell me, I am to lose my kingdom, and get
+absolutely nothing in exchange? And she said, always with the same
+sweet and quiet voice, whose tone never varied, adding by the very
+charm of its gentle music fire to the exasperating sting that lay in
+the words it said: I have nothing at all to do with thy kingdom, and
+if thou hast lost it, I am very sorry: yet blame not me for its loss,
+but thyself alone, for the choice was thine. And moreover, I am not
+for sale. I give myself, or part of me, to anyone I choose. It is for
+dealers and merchants to bargain. I never bargain. I am a Queen. And I
+said in wrath: Thou shalt give thyself no longer to anyone but me.
+Thou hast already cheated me by making me the loser in a bargain where
+I lose all, gaining nothing in exchange. But I will have either my
+kingdom or thyself: and if not the kingdom, which is gone, then thee.
+And she said quietly: Say nothing rash, or harsh, or ill-considered.
+It is not I that have cheated thee out of thy kingdom: it is no one
+but thyself.
+
+And I exclaimed: What! didst thou not cheat me by telling me thou
+didst love me long ago? And she broke in instantly, and said: I said
+nothing of the kind: it is thy own imagination. I never told thee
+anything so false as that I loved thee. And I said: Nay, not in words,
+but in a language deeper far than any words. What woman ever gave a
+man what thou hast given me, without telling him very plainly, he was
+the object of her love? And she said quietly: It was but thy own
+inference, and utterly unwarranted. And I said: Why didst thou then
+allow me to make love to thee at all? And she said, very gently: I did
+not ask, nor even wish thee, to make love to me at all. But I was
+touched by thy emotion, and thy passion, and thy miserable longing,
+and willing to soothe it, and gratify it, for an instant, letting thee
+taste that nectar for which thou wert so obviously dying: for I am
+kind.
+
+And I exclaimed with a shout: Kind! Why, what is thy kindness but the
+very extremity of unkindness? What! and did all thy caresses mean
+absolutely nothing? And she said, very gently: They meant exactly what
+they were, gifts and boons, bestowed of sheer compassion: and if from
+their receipt, thou hast drawn the conclusion that thy affection was
+returned, it is not so: it is only thy own unjustified construction,
+for thou art not, and never can be, anything to me, but the thing that
+thou wilt not be, a mere friend. And I said: What kind of a woman art
+thou to betray me with kisses? And she said: I am only what I am: but
+thou art most unfair to me, and instead of peevishly demanding of me
+what I cannot give, and growing so unreasonably angry, thou oughtest
+rather to be very grateful to me, for giving thee anything at all. I
+told thee almost as soon as I had seen thee, in the very beginning of
+all, that I belonged, body and soul, to Narasinha: and yet
+notwithstanding, I took pity on thee, for thy misery, and gave thee,
+by concession, what I might very easily have refused, humouring thy
+weakness like that of a child, crying for what he cannot have. But
+never did I promise thee anything beyond: and I even told thee, if
+thou canst remember it, that it might injure thee and could not do
+thee any good. But thou wert blind, and as it were buried in thy
+dream. Did I not warn thee, and entreat thee beforehand, not to blame
+me, when the dream was over, and reality returned? And when I had
+surfeited thy longing, and dismissed thee, I meant it to be the end,
+for it was all I had to give. In all, it is not I, that have in any
+way whatever deceived thee: thou hast all along only deceived thyself.
+And if I have deceived at all, it is myself alone I have deceived, by
+expecting any gratitude for the boon of my compassion, and the favour
+that I poured on thee with no miser's band, because I blamed myself
+for being innocently guilty of becoming the unintentional object of
+thy passion, and its involuntary cause.
+
+
+XXVIII
+
+And I listened, so utterly confounded by the very simplicity of her
+apology, which overturned all my accusations, and put me in the wrong,
+that I stood in silence, unable to find anything to say. And in my
+stupefaction, I began to laugh. And I said: Ha! Nectar when she turns
+towards thee: poison when she turns away! Hast thou never heard the
+Queen's verse? And she said: What! wilt thou actually lay on me the
+burden of refuting the silly slander of a rhyme, circulated by little
+rascals merely for want of something else to say? Can I help what they
+say, or shall I even stoop to listen when they say it, who will say
+anything of queens, without shame for the envious venom of their own
+base insignificance, knowing all the time absolutely nothing, but
+making mere noise, like frogs all croaking together in a marsh? Or if
+I must absolutely answer, in spite of my disdain, how can I prevent
+any lover, such as thyself, from persuading himself of what he wishes
+to believe? For all of them resemble thee, behaving like unreasonable
+bulls, the very moment that they see me, and pestering me like flies,
+to my torment, and yet would blame me for driving them away. And every
+one of them, exactly like thee, imagines me his own, for no reason
+that I am ever able to discover, although I tell them all, exactly as
+I told thee, that I belong to Narasinha.
+
+And I said in wrath: I will slice off the head of Narasinha, by and
+by, as I have done already for some of his tools. And I will not be
+the plaything of a moment, to be cast aside the next. I have lost a
+kingdom for thy sake, and will have thee to repay me, whether thou
+wilt or no. And she said with a smile: Thou art angry, and talking
+nonsense in thy anger, as angry men will. Dost thou not see that thou
+art bereft of thy senses? For, kingdom or no kingdom, how canst thou
+be so silly as to propose to force me, willy nilly, to love thee when
+I do not love? If I loved thee, I should say so, and all force would
+be superfluous: if not, it would be not only useless, but injurious to
+thy own cause, seeing that the more thou forcest, the less wilt thou
+obtain: nay, whereas now thou art indifferent, thou wilt bring it
+about that I shall hate thee in the end, as I am beginning to do a
+very little even now. And then it will be worse for thee in every way.
+For thou dost not seem ever to remember that I am, after all, not only
+a woman, but a queen.
+
+And I looked at her as she spoke, saying to myself: She is wrong, for
+nobody looking at her ever could forget it, even for a moment, just
+because, like the grace of a lily, it is forgotten by herself, and she
+would still be a queen, even if she were not a queen at all. And she
+looks at me, notwithstanding the biting reproof in her words, with
+exactly the same intoxicating and caressing sweetness, as if I were
+still a dear friend with whom she were unwilling to quarrel. And I
+gazed at her, yearning towards her with every fibre of my soul, and
+yet exasperated almost beyond endurance at the thought that she was
+keeping me like a stranger at a distance from her heart, in order to
+preserve it for another. And after a while, I said slowly: If thy
+affection is not to be given to me, it shall never be given to anybody
+else. And she said, as if with curiosity: Thou art surely mad. For how
+canst thou prevent any other from following thy own example, and doing
+just what thou hast done thyself, losing thy reason at the sight of
+me, as all men always do? Dost thou not see that my power to excite
+affection is far greater than thine to prevent it? And I said: It
+would be very very easy for me to prevent all others from ever loving
+thee again.
+
+And she looked at me with eyes, in whose unruffled calm there was not
+even the faintest shadow of any fear. And she said quietly: I
+understand thee very well, and yet for all that I tell thee thou art
+raving, and thou art, without knowing it, very like the very man thou
+hatest most, Narasinha. For often he has said to me the very same
+thing that thou art saying now: and yet, though according to thee, the
+thing is very easy, he finds it so difficult as to be utterly
+impossible. For he cannot endure to do without me, even in a dream,
+and cannot therefore bring himself to slay me, as he is constantly
+threatening to do, knowing very well that he might rather slay
+himself, since once I am gone, he will never find another me, to put
+in my place. And this is true, even though I cannot understand it:
+just as I cannot understand what it is that makes me indispensable to
+thee or to anybody else. For I know it only by its effect. And so I am
+my own protection, against all his threats, or thine. And if I had
+thought otherwise, what could have been easier, since thou talkest of
+easy things, than to have summoned my attendants and bade them put
+thee out, when it may be, thy life would have paid for thy marvellous
+impertinence, in intruding unbidden, as perhaps it still may, without
+any instigation of my own at all? Thou dost not seem to understand
+that all this while thy own life is in far greater danger than mine;
+since thou hast done a thing that will not be forgiven thee by others,
+though I myself have not only forgiven thee, but well understanding
+the fiery goad that drove thee into my presence, have treated thee,
+for yet once more, with kindness and condescension far beyond any
+deserts of thine. And for all return, thou art threatening even to
+slay me. But I am destitute of fear.
+
+And she stood before me in the moonlight, that turned her as it clung
+to all her limbs into a thing beautiful beyond all earthly dreams,
+absolutely fearless, and with a dignity whose royalty was not only
+that of a queen, but of loveliness laughing to scorn all possible
+comparison, seeming to say without the need of any words: Art thou
+brave enough, and fool enough, to lay rude hands on such a thing as I
+am, or even if thy folly were equal to thy courage, canst thou find it
+in thy heart to think of violence offered to it, by thyself or any
+other, even in a dream? And my heart burned, for sheer adoration, and
+yet strange! it began to sink at the very same time, as I gazed at
+her, looking at me quietly in return. For there was something
+absolutely unanswerable, not only in herself, but in everything she
+said, and yet her very simplicity that overwhelmed me with its soft
+irrefutable sweetness increased the torture of my hopeless admiration
+every time she spoke. And suddenly I struck my hands together in
+despair. And I exclaimed: Ah! thou marvel of a woman and a queen, I am
+conquered by thee, and I am on the very verge of falling at thy feet
+in a passion of tears, craving thy forgiveness as a criminal, so
+bewildering is the double spell of thy beauty and thy intelligence,
+and the candour of thy strange soul, which drives me mad with its
+inexplicable charm. But what does it matter to me, hate me or love me,
+if I am never to see thee any more? Aye! Narasinha may not find it in
+him to slay thee for thy wayward and beautiful independence, but then
+he can see thee every day, exactly as he chooses: whereas I, once I go
+away this night, am outcast: for well I understand that thou or he
+will see to it that I never come again. Dost thou imagine I can bear
+it? And again I struck my hands together with a cry. And I exclaimed:
+Curse on my birth, and the crimes of the births that went before it,
+that I was not born Narasinha! for he has cut me from my happiness,
+and stolen from me the very fruit of being born at all!
+
+And in my frenzy, I seized her in my arms once more, desperately
+clutching, as it were, at the bliss escaping from my reach in her form.
+And I said to her, as I held her tight: Tell me, had Narasinha never
+lived, could I have been to thee what he is now? And she extricated
+herself, very gently, from my arms, and stood back, looking at me with
+meditative eyes; and after a while, she said doubtfully, yet with a
+little smile on her lips: Perhaps. But I am not sure. Thou art a little
+over-bearing. And yet I like thee, somehow, but I love thee not at all.
+And yet again, it may be, that had I met thee sooner, I might have
+looked at thee with other eyes. And I bear thee no malice, if indeed
+thou art a criminal, for any of thy crimes, since I was their occasion.
+But what after all is the use of supposition as to what might be were
+Narasinha away, since as it is, he is here, an obstacle in the way, not
+to be surmounted by any means whatever? And so, thy case is hopeless.
+And I tried to make thee understand, in vain: since thou wilt not take
+denial or listen to any reason. And I went to such a length, out of
+kindness, as to give thee one single evening, packed as full as it could
+hold with all the sweetness I could think of, giving myself up, so to
+say, to the insatiable thirst of thy arms, and thy craving desire to be
+caressed and kissed by only me, and embodying thy dream, and turning
+myself into an instrument of that nectar of feminine intoxication for
+which thou wert ready to die, and putting myself without reserve
+absolutely at thy disposal, only to find my kindness miserably requited
+by ingratitude and undeserved reproaches, and even menaces and threats.
+And as I said, to-night, when by underhand contrivance thou didst force
+thyself upon me, I never punished thee at all, as many another queen
+might do, but took pity on thy desolation and forgave and overlooked all
+thy insolence, without being in the very least deceived by thy fustian
+beginning, which I easily discerned to be a _ruse_, to enable thee
+perhaps to steal back into my favour, all founded on a misinterpretation
+of the woman that I am. For had I really been what people say, and what,
+listening to them, thou didst imagine me, thy foolish plan might perhaps
+have been successful, but I am very different indeed. And yet, even so,
+thy part was played so poorly, that it failed almost as soon as it
+began, since it needed but a touch of my finger to make thee drop thy
+mask, and reveal thyself to be, what all the time I knew thee, a lover
+in the depths of despair. For love is very hard to hide, and thou
+couldst scarcely hope to deceive even those who are very easy to
+deceive, as I am not. And as I watched thy clumsy effort, sitting as it
+did so ill on one so simple and direct as thou art, I could not prevent
+my compassion from mixing with a very little laughter, remembering the
+ass in the Panchatantra, who clothed him in a lion's skin, forgetting
+that his ears betrayed him, to say nothing of his voice. And now for the
+second time I have given thee something that I would have refused thee
+altogether, had caresses of compassion been any argument of love. But
+understand well, that there will be no third opportunity: for this is
+thy farewell. Go as thou hast come, for I will not attempt to penetrate
+thy secret, nor have thy footsteps dogged.
+
+
+XXIX
+
+And as I listened, I knew that all was over, and that her words were
+my doom: for I understood that she was stronger far than I, and in a
+position absolutely impregnable by any efforts I might make. And I
+stood gazing at her silently with a tumult in my soul that could find
+no utterance in words. And I said at last, in a very low voice: Is thy
+decision irrevocable, and am I really never to see thee any more? And
+she said: Even this time is more than I had allowed thee, and I am
+afraid for thee. Aye! I fear that thy life is the forfeit thou wilt
+pay. Yet blame not me for anything that may occur. For Narasinha would
+have slain thee already, as he is furiously jealous of anything that
+comes near me in the form of a man, had I not myself expressly
+interfered in thy behalf, making him swear to overlook thy former
+trespass on a ground that he considers as his own. But he will not
+listen to me now. And to-morrow, as soon as he discovers what has
+taken place to-night, for I cannot hide it, he will take measures to
+prevent thy ever coming back, very likely such as thou thyself hinted
+at, of me, a little while ago. Thou art looking at me now for the
+very last time; and remember, I told thee myself, I will take no
+blame, if thy temerity turns out to have cost thee dear. Farewell, and
+if thou canst, forget me, and go away to a great distance, without the
+loss of a single moment. For in a very little while, thou mayst find,
+there will not even be the chance, and it will be too late.
+
+And instead of going, I stood, rooted to the spot like a tree, gazing
+at her thirstily, in a stupor of despair, and saying to myself: What!
+can it really be possible that I am actually looking at her now, as
+she says, for the very last time in my life, doomed to go here, or
+there, in the world, without ever seeing her again, knowing all the
+while that she is, still, somewhere to be seen, and actually being
+seen, only not by me? Out upon such horror, for it would be less, even
+if she were dead! And she, so kind, so gentle, how in the world can
+she stand there, bidding me with a wave of her hand, in that low sweet
+voice of hers, to go away to a great distance, to save my life,
+knowing well, for she is very clever, that she is taking it away, by
+banishing me for ever? And am I just to be thrown away at the bidding
+of Narasinha?
+
+And at the thought, all at once I began to laugh with sheer rage. And
+I said to myself: What! must I turn my back on heaven, and go meekly
+down to hell, at the order of Narasinha? Would she banish me at all,
+but for Narasinha? Who in the world is Narasinha? Is Narasinha my
+master? Is he even her master, for as it seems, she is rather his?
+Are these his orders, or her own? Ha! now, I wonder. What if after all
+this Narasinha were only a man of straw, doing exactly as he is told,
+and acting as her agent and her instrument, for the sake of what she
+gives him? Is it likely, after all, that he orders, and she obeys? And
+am I being fooled, and handed over by herself to banishment, or even
+death, behind the screen of Narasinha?
+
+And I looked at her as she stood, patiently waiting for me to go, with
+a soul torn to pieces by rage, and suspicion, and love-longing, and
+flat refusal to go away. And suddenly there came into my recollection
+Haridasa, saying as he stood outside the door: Nectar when she turns
+towards thee: poison when she turns away. And I said to myself: So
+now, she turns away. And can she possibly not know, what becomes of
+all her lovers?
+
+And I went up to her, all at once, and took her by her two hands, and
+looked straight into her eyes. And I said: Tarawali, thou choosest thy
+servants well. I know the use of Chaturika. And now dimly I begin to
+see the use of Narasinha. Does he never tell thee where he throws the
+bodies of thy old lovers, when thou hast finished with their souls?
+
+And then, strange! her eyes wavered, as if unable to meet my own. And
+like a flash of lightning, I understood. And I exclaimed: Ha! have I
+found at last the question that thou canst not answer, and laid my
+finger on the flaw in thy consummate skill? So then, this was all but
+a comedy that thou wert playing, to shift the blame from thy own
+shoulders and turn me over to extinction at the hands of Narasinha?
+Ah! thou art thy own mistress, and not one to obey. But ah! thou
+lovely lady that hast no pity for thy poisoned lovers, it is not the
+lover this time that shall die. And thou shalt meet thy master for the
+first time in thy life.
+
+And I looked at her for a single instant in a frenzy of fierce hatred
+that suddenly blazed up from the ashes of my dead devotion, lying
+scorned and cheated and betrayed by the idol it adored. And I seized
+her in the grip of death, and tore from my arm the lute-string that
+was wound about my wrist. And I said: Dear, I never gave thee thy
+music-lesson: but now I will give thee a very long one on a single
+string. And in an instant, I twisted it about her neck, and drew it
+tight, holding her still as she struggled, in an ecstasy of giant
+strength. And so I stood, trembling all over, for a very long time.
+And at last, I felt that she lay in my arms like a dead weight,
+hanging as it were against her will in the terrible embrace of a lover
+that loved with hatred instead of love.
+
+And I laid her down very gently, turning carefully away, that I might
+not see her face. And I went away very quickly, and all at once, as I
+went, I fell down and began to sob, as if my heart would break. And at
+last, after a long while, I got up, and stood, thinking, and looking
+back under the trees. And I crept back on tiptoe, and looked and saw
+her at a distance, lying in the moonlight, very still, like the tomb
+of my own heart. And then I turned sharp round, and went away for
+good and all, without a soul. And I said to myself in agony: Now I
+have made the whole world empty with my own hand, and it was myself
+that I have killed, as well as her. And now I will go after her as
+soon as I possibly can. But there is one thing still to do, before I
+go, for I have to give another lesson to Narasinha. Only this time I
+will not use a lute-string, but crush out his soul with my bare hands.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ha! Narasinha, I have told thee, and thou knowest all. And now thou
+hast only to count the hours that are left to thee, for I am coming
+very soon.
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[Footnote 6: Pronounce in three syllables _Shut-roon-jye_: it means,
+_one who triumphs over his foes_. So again, in three syllables,
+_Narasing_: which means, _man-lion_, alluding to one of Wishnu's
+incarnations. (Europeans do not adequately realise that the short
+final _a_, in Sanskrit, is always mute. They pronounce e.g. _Rama_,
+_Krishna_, as if the last letter were long. They are monosyllables.)]
+
+[Footnote 7: "The menace prevented the deed," observes Gibbon, of a
+would-be assassin of Commodus. That was also the error of the Germans,
+in 1914.]
+
+[Footnote 8: A heavenly musician.]
+
+[Footnote 9: _Dharma_ does not mean religion in our sense of the word.
+It means, for every man, that set of obligations laid on him by his
+caste or status: thus everybody's _dharma_ is different.]
+
+[Footnote 10: A crown prince. Palace intrigues were common in the old
+Hindoo courts. Each wife thought of nothing but providing the heir to
+the throne, if not by fair means, then by foul.]
+
+[Footnote 11: Krishna, the lute-player, and flute-player, _par
+excellence_. He resembles Odin in this particular.]
+
+[Footnote 12: i.e. _the city of lotuses._ The final _a_ is mute.]
+
+[Footnote 13: i.e. _a line of stars_; _a constellation_; _a star
+intensified._]
+
+[Footnote 14: That is to say, abandoned, dissolute: independence
+being, in old Hindoo ears, a synonym for every possible species of
+depravity.]
+
+[Footnote 15: There is here an untranslatable play on _manasa_ and
+_manasi-ja_ = a feminine god of love.]
+
+[Footnote 16: There is no vulgarity in this idea: it is a poetical
+degree in the scale of passion. An _abhisarika_ is a lady so mastered
+by her love that she cannot wait for her lover, but goes to him of her
+own accord. There are all sorts of conditions laid down to regulate
+her going: she must not go in broad daylight, but in a thunderstorm,
+or dusk.]
+
+[Footnote 17: _Lawanya_ means loveliness as well as salt.]
+
+[Footnote 18: The exact equivalent, and indeed the only possible
+translation of _kupandita._]
+
+[Footnote 19: This is due to the peculiar dress of Hindoo women, all
+in one piece, and put on so that the edge that runs around the feet
+afterwards runs up diagonally and winds around the whole figure. No
+national costume was ever better calculated to set off the sinuosities
+and soft grace of a woman's figure to advantage than the marvellous
+simplicity of the _sari_ which is nothing more than a very long strip
+of almost anything you please.]
+
+[Footnote 20: i.e. _the clever one_: a name, like Nipunika, employed
+in Hindoo plays to denote the qualities of a _grisette_: _Suzanne._]
+
+[Footnote 21: _Anuraktamritam bala wirakta wisham ewa sa._]
+
+[Footnote 22: A female door-keeper. This appears to have been
+customary in old times. Runjeet Singh had a body-guard of women,
+dressed like boys.]
+
+[Footnote 23: The roots of these great figs "grow down" (hence their
+name) from the branches, often coalescing with the trunks into the
+most extraordinary shapes: it needs no imagination to see Dryads under
+the bark: they are visible to the naked eye. The huge leaves and great
+white blossom of the _shala_ make it one of the most beautiful of
+earthly trees: as the champak is one of the most weird, like a great
+candlestick of innumerable branches whose pale flower-cups grow out of
+the end of its clumsy fingers without leaves.]
+
+[Footnote 24: Durga, _the inaccessible one_, is one of Parwati's
+innumerable names. It has reference to a mountain steep, with
+accessory meanings, moral and theological.]
+
+[Footnote 25: There are constant references in Hindoo poetry to
+swinging, which is a national pastime in India, with a special
+festival in its honour.]
+
+[Footnote 26: Pronounce as a trisyllable: Haridas.]
+
+[Footnote 27: The Indian women used to send little earthenware dishes,
+with a lighted wick in their oil, floating down the Ganges, to
+symbolise their children's lives. Perhaps they do it still: but all
+these beautiful old superstitious practices are dying away, in the
+light of "representative institutions." New lamps for old ones!]
+
+[Footnote 28: That is Shri, the Hindoo Aphrodite. Only those who have
+studied Hindoo goddesses on the old temple walls, where they stand
+with everlasting marble smiles in long silent rows, buried in the
+jungles that encircle their deserted fanes, will enter into the
+atmosphere of this strange description.]
+
+[Footnote 29: _Daiwatam hi hayottamah_, says Somadewa: _a good horse
+is a divine thing._]
+
+[Footnote 30: The Hindoo AEsculapius. Ayurweda, the science of
+medicine.]
+
+[Footnote 31: A gem that attracts straws, presumably amber. It is
+always employed by Hindoo poets as an equivalent of our _magnet._]
+
+[Footnote 32: _i.e._ the mirage.]
+
+[Footnote 33: That is, as if she were a character in a play, coming at
+her cue. The phrase is common in the Hindoo plays.]
+
+[Footnote 34: This is due to the coal-black stem, which gives to a
+palm tree shorn of its head the look of a tumble-down smoke-grimed
+chimney. Unshorn, leaning to the wind, it is the most graceful thing
+in the world, especially seen against the setting sun.]
+
+[Footnote 35: The great jewel on Wishnu's breast.]
+
+[Footnote 36: Literally, with a _sashtanganamaskara_: i.e. _with an
+obeisance made by falling prostrate with the eight corners of the
+body_, a form of profound reverence made as to a divinity.]
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+A Story without an End
+
+
+And then, Maheshwara tossed the last leaf into the air. And as it
+floated away down the stream, he said to the goddess, as she listened
+with attention: And yet he never came, as I told thee at the
+beginning. For Narasinha was beforehand with him, after all.
+
+And the Daughter of the Snow sat silent, looking away down the river
+after the floating leaf, until it was lost to sight. And then she said
+slowly: Why didst thou say in the beginning that Tarawali was the most
+extraordinary of all women, past, present, or to come? For I was
+deceived by thy encomium, expecting a woman altogether different from
+her, who was only but a specimen of her sex.
+
+And the Moony-crested god burst into loud laughter. And he exclaimed:
+Speak low, O Snowy One: for if thy mortal sisters overheard thee
+betraying their secrets and their cause, they would be very angry, and
+perhaps begin to curse thee as a traitor, instead of offering thee
+worship, as they all do now. What! dost thou actually deem her to be
+but a type of all the rest? Surely, thou must have been asleep all the
+time that I was reading, after all: since thou hast either
+misunderstood her altogether, or it may be, wilt not do her justice,
+out of jealousy: since no woman in the three worlds can ever be
+trusted to judge another fairly, treating her always as a criminal and
+a rival, and falling on her tooth and nail, especially if, like
+Tarawali, she sets custom at defiance, going by an independent
+standard of her own. But now, let me help thee to see how utterly
+mistaken is thy estimate of a character so rare as hardly to be
+matched in the whole of space and time for her cleverness and her
+candour and her tranquillity of soul, leaving her beauty out of the
+account, as that one element in her common to a very host of others.
+For the Creator was not such a bungler as to confine all feminine
+beauty to a single instance, but scattered it universally, since
+almost every woman in the world, no matter what her face be like,
+shares in the wonderful fascination exerted over men by the shape
+essential to her sex, which is far the most important thing of all,
+being general instead of special, as every woman seen dimly in the
+dark, or at a distance, or with her face hidden by a veil, will prove,
+being then above all most attractive when her face cannot be seen at
+all: as the story that I told thee of the ugly lady, not long ago,
+shows, if thou hast not forgotten it.[37] Whereas the thing special to
+Tarawali was her incomparable soul, in which were mingled elements
+hardly ever to be found combined, gentleness and strength, and
+simplicity almost naive, with subtlety beyond all comparison, and
+pride that never took offence, and superlative beauty with humility,
+and submissiveness with extreme independence of spirit, and kindness
+without weakness, and feminine sweetness of disposition with the
+intellectual vigour of a man, and his courage, and his candour, all of
+which combined with her extraordinary bodily beauty to make her a
+paragon of intoxication utterly irresistible to every male[38] she
+came across, like a very Prakriti in a woman's form.
+
+And Parwati said: How canst thou lavish such praise on a woman so
+deservedly slain by her infuriated lover, when he suddenly awoke to
+the discovery of the real nature behind the mask?
+
+And the great god laughed again, and he looked at her shrewdly and he
+said: Aha! Snowy One, said I not that thou wert asleep as I read? I
+shall have to repeat to thee the story all over again another time.
+Dost thou actually not see that all she said, from beginning to end,
+was absolutely true? For Shatrunjaya told the whole story very well,
+as he understood it; but he did not understand completely, and made a
+terrible error in the most important point of all, being led astray by
+what he had heard, and easily taken in. For blinded by his rage
+against his rival Narasinha, he came suddenly to the wrong conclusion,
+and slew her by mistake, never so much as giving her time for any
+explanation. For her eyes never wavered, as he thought, for guilt, but
+for quite another reason. And Narasinha really was, exactly as she
+said, her tyrant, nor had she anything to do with his assassination of
+her lovers, which he committed all on his own account, out of
+jealousy, paying no attention at all to her intercession. But in her
+gentleness, she shrank from the very idea of any violence, and this
+was the true cause of the wavering of her eyes, foreseeing as she did
+another attempt on Shatrunjaya, which she could not avert. And my
+heart was grieved at her death at the hands of a lover whose life she
+had saved, and would have saved again if she could. For she was worth
+far more than he.
+
+And the Daughter of the Snow said: But what was she doing with such a
+multitude of lovers at all?
+
+And Maheshwara said: Thou art like Shatrunjaya himself, biased against
+her by the insinuations of Haridasa, and the discreditable behaviour
+of that little liar Chaturika, who betrayed her as well as others, and
+by the idle talk of the people, which she rightly compared herself to
+the croaking of so many frogs. For low people always put the very
+worst interpretation upon the actions of kings, and especially of
+queens, of whom all the time they know less than nothing, exactly as
+she said. And Shatrunjaya's opinion of her wavered, in spite of all
+his worship, being coloured by the scandal that he heard, so that he
+saw her through its mist, as strangers always do. And if she had too
+many lovers, it was all the fault of the Creator, who endowed her with
+such fascination, combined with the kindness of her heart: since she
+blamed herself for their misery, and could not bear to send them away
+without making them as it were some reparation for her crime of being
+beautiful beyond all resistance. And this was her only fault.
+
+Then said the Mountain-born, with emphasis: I hate her: for a woman
+should confine herself to one.
+
+And Maheshwara said, looking at her with affection: Ah! Snowy One,
+thou art right, and thou art wrong. For not every woman is a
+counterpart of thee. And moreover, to be rigidly inaccessible[39] is
+terribly hard, when a woman is as she was, a very incarnation of
+bewildering intoxication, and kind into the bargain. For then she
+resembles a fortress, besieged night and day and mined everlastingly
+by innumerable hosts absolutely determined to get in; and sleepless
+indeed must be the garrison that guards it; and often it yields of
+sheer weariness and fatigue, unable any longer to endure the strain.
+And Tarawali was absolutely right when she said that her lovers drove
+her, against her inclination, into the reputation of a lady of many
+lovers, since they were all so infatuated by the very sight of her
+that they never let her alone. For love that really finds its object
+will face ten thousand deaths to reach it, and is very hard to repel.
+And it laughs in utter scorn at arguments, and bribes, and barriers,
+and dangers, and refusals, bent with a burning heart upon one thing
+only, to reach its goal, dead or alive, no matter which. And when a
+woman is an incarnation of that object, she moves the whole world with
+her little finger, and is fatal, and raised into a category above all
+ordinary rules. And Tarawali was moreover in a peculiar position, for
+her husband had thrown her away of his own accord, so that she
+actually belonged to nobody but herself, and injured herself alone, if
+she could not always help yielding when a lover pushed her terribly
+hard, by touching her heart like Shatrunjaya in the matter of his
+dream. And very few indeed are the women who would not have done the
+same, for he was a great musician, and a man among men, and very
+young. And very rare indeed is the woman who is qualified to censure
+her. For most women keep their wheel upon the track, either because
+nobody ever tries to make them leave it, or simply for fear, either of
+being punished, or of other women's tongues. And not one in a crore
+could have resisted half the pressure that Tarawali had to bear, for
+the very greatest of a winning woman's charms is exactly the one which
+she possessed in supreme perfection, her soft and delicious
+willingness to oblige and please, and place all the sweetness of her
+personality at the absolute disposal of her lover, as Shatrunjaya
+understood at the very first sight of her: a thing so utterly
+irresistible, that when it is combined, as it was in her, with
+intelligence masculine in its quality, its owner sweeps away every
+man's reason like a chip in a flood. And there was a special reason
+for Tarawali's intelligence.
+
+And the goddess said: What was the reason? And the Moony-crested god
+said: It was the necessary consequence of the actions of a former
+birth. For in the birth before, she was a man, doomed by _gati_[40] to
+become a woman in the next, by reason of a sin. And she said again:
+What sin? Then said Maheshwara: Ask me another time, O thou cajoler:
+for it is a long story, and now I have no more leisure: since I must
+go and bestow the favour of my presence on a ceremony performed by a
+pious devotee who has built me a new temple at Waranasi. And canst
+thou guess who it is?
+
+And the Daughter of the Snow said: How in the world can I guess his
+name, of whom I never heard before?
+
+And the Moony-crested god said: It is not a he, but a she: being no
+other than Tarawali herself, in yet another birth. And she is still
+only a woman, for she has not yet succeeded in raising herself by
+merit into the condition of a man. And it may be long before she
+succeeds. For it is easy to sink, but it is hard for any creature to
+rise into a status of being superior to its own, and the women who
+emerge into manhood are very rare. For the goodness that is synonymous
+with real existence[41] is only to be found in those who have behind
+them the accumulated effort and desert of ages, standing on a peak
+loftier by far than any of thy father's snowy summits, which cannot be
+attained in any single birth by no matter what exertions or
+austerities. But when once any being has attained it, emancipation
+dawns, touching it into colour more beautiful by far than any tints
+the rising sun has ever thrown on newly fallen mountain snow.
+
+FOOTNOTES:
+
+[Footnote 37: A very beautiful story in the MS., which has not yet
+seen the light. The opinion of the deity is corroborated by that very
+clever woman, Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, who says in one of her
+letters from Constantinople that if women went without clothes, the
+face would hardly count at all. Nearly all of them would gain
+immensely by wearing a permanent veil, but the pretty ones would never
+consent to it.]
+
+[Footnote 38: Purusha is the philosophical term for the Primordial
+Male, of which Prakriti is the female antithesis. The god is combining
+Goethe and Swinburne: the "eternal feminine" and the "holy spirit of
+man."]
+
+[Footnote 39: See note _ante_, p. 47.]
+
+[Footnote 40: A very short word for a very long process, and
+untranslatable by any English equivalent. It means the whole system of
+the laws of metempsychosis, running in a long chain forward into the
+future, and back into the past.]
+
+[Footnote 41: That is, _sat_ or _sattwa_ = goodness, or true being.]
+
+
+
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