373 files changed, 41465 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6833f05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.gitattributes
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+* text=auto
+*.txt text
+*.md text
diff --git a/21084-8.txt b/21084-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..88136e0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,13844 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Jokes For All Occasions, by Anonymous
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Jokes For All Occasions
+       Selected and Edited by One of America's Foremost Public Speakers
+
+Author: Anonymous
+
+Release Date: April 15, 2007 [EBook #21084]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier, Martin Pettit and
+the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS
+
+
+SELECTED AND EDITED BY ONE OF AMERICA'S FOREMOST PUBLIC SPEAKERS
+
+[Illustration: Publisher's logo]
+
+
+NEW YORK
+EDWARD J. CLODE
+
+
+COPYRIGHT, 1921, 1922, BY
+
+EDWARD J. CLODE
+
+
+_Printed in the United States of America_
+
+
+
+
+JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+The ways of telling a story are as many as the tellers themselves. It is
+impossible to lay down precise rules by which any one may perfect
+himself in the art, but it is possible to offer suggestions by which to
+guide practise in narration toward a gratifying success.
+
+Broadly distinguished, there are two methods of telling a story. One
+uses the extreme of brevity, and makes its chief reliance on the point.
+The other devotes itself in great part to preliminary elaboration in the
+narrative, making this as amusing as possible, so that the point itself
+serves to cap a climax. In the public telling of an anecdote the tyro
+would be well advised to follow the first method. That is, he should put
+his reliance on the point of the story, and on this alone. He should
+scrupulously limit himself to such statements as are absolutely
+essential to clear understanding of the point. He should make a careful
+examination of the story with two objects in mind: the first, to
+determine just what is required in the way of explanation; the second,
+an exact understanding of the point itself. Then, when it comes to the
+relating of the story, he must simply give the information required by
+the hearers in order to appreciate the point. As to the point itself, he
+must guard against any carelessness. Omission of an essential detail is
+fatal. It may be well for him, at the outset, to memorize the conclusion
+of the story. No matter how falteringly the story is told, it will
+succeed if the point itself be made clear, and this is insured for even
+the most embarrassed speaker by memorizing it.
+
+The art of making the whole narration entertaining and amusing is to be
+attained only by intelligent practise. It is commonly believed that
+story-sellers are born, not made. As a matter of fact, however, the
+skilled raconteurs owe their skill in great measure to the fact that
+they are unwearying in practise. It is, therefore, recommended to any
+one having ambition in this direction that he cultivate his ability by
+exercising it. He should practise short and simple stories according to
+his opportunities, with the object of making the narration smooth and
+easy. An audience of one or two familiar friends is sufficient in the
+earlier efforts. Afterward, the practise may be extended before a larger
+number of listeners on social occasions. When facility has been attained
+in the simplest form, attempts to extend the preliminary narrative
+should be made. The preparation should include an effort to invest the
+characters of the story; or its setting, with qualities amusing in
+themselves, quite apart from any relation to the point. Precise
+instruction cannot be given, but concentration along this line will of
+itself develop the humorous perception of the story-teller, so that,
+though the task may appear too difficult in prospect, it will not prove
+so in actual experience. But, in every instance, care must be exercised
+to keep the point of the story clearly in view, and to omit nothing
+essential in the preparation for it.
+
+In the selection of stories to be retailed, it is the part of wisdom to
+choose the old, rather than the new. This is because the new story, so
+called, travels with frightful velocity under modern social conditions,
+and, in any particular case, the latest story, when told by you to a
+friend, has just been heard by him from some other victim of it. But
+the memory of most persons for stories is very short. Practically never
+does it last for years. So, it is uniformly safe to present as novelties
+at the present day the humor of past decades. Moreover, the exercise of
+some slight degree of ingenuity will serve to give those touches in the
+way of change by which the story may be brought up to date. Indeed, by
+such adaptation, the story is made really one's own--as the professional
+humorists thankfully admit!
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+
+Wit and humor, and the distinction between them, defy precise
+definition. Luckily, they need none. To one asking what is beauty, a wit
+replied: "That is the question of a blind man." Similarly, none requires
+a definition of wit and humor unless he himself be lacking in all
+appreciation of them, and, if he be so lacking, no amount of explanation
+will avail to give him understanding. Borrow, in one of his sermons,
+declared concerning wit: "It is, indeed, a thing so versatile,
+multiform, appearing in so many shapes and garbs, so variously
+apprehended of several eyes and judgments, that it seemeth no less hard
+to settle a clear and certain notion thereof than to make a portrait of
+Proteus, or to define the figure of the fleeting wind." Nor is it
+fitting to attempt exact distinctions between wit and humor, which are
+essentially two aspects of one thing. It is enough to realize that humor
+is the product of nature rather than of art, while wit is the expression
+of an intellectual art. Humor exerts an emotional appeal, produces
+smiles or laughter; wit may be amusing, or it may not, according to the
+circumstances, but it always provokes an intellectual appreciation.
+Thus, Nero made a pun on the name of Seneca, when the philosopher was
+brought before him for sentence. In speaking the decree that the old man
+should kill himself, the emperor used merely the two Latin words: "Se
+neca." We admit the ghastly cleverness of the jest, but we do not
+chuckle over it.
+
+The element of surprise is common to both wit and humor, and it is
+often a sufficient cause for laughter in itself, irrespective of any
+essentially amusing quality in the cause of the surprise. The
+unfamiliar, for this reason, often has a ludicrous appeal to primitive
+peoples. An African tribe, on being told by the missionary that the
+world is round, roared with laughter for hours; it is told of a Mikado
+that he burst a blood-vessel and died in a fit of merriment induced by
+hearing that the American people ruled themselves. In like fashion, the
+average person grins or guffaws at sight of a stranger in an outlandish
+costume, although, as a matter of fact, the dress may be in every
+respect superior to his own. Simply, its oddity somehow tickles the
+risibilities. Such surprise is occasioned by contrasting circumstances.
+When a pompous gentleman, marching magnificently, suddenly steps on a
+banana peel, pirouettes, somersaults, and sits with extreme violence, we
+laugh before asking if he broke a leg.
+
+The fundamentals of wit and humor are the same throughout all the
+various tribes of earth, throughout all the various ages of history. The
+causes of amusement are essentially the same everywhere and always, and
+only the setting changes according to time and place. But racial
+characteristics establish preferences for certain aspects of fun-making,
+and such preferences serve to some extent in differentiating the written
+humor of the world along the lines of nationality. Nevertheless, it is a
+fact that the really amusing story has an almost universal appeal. I
+have seen in an American country newspaper a town correspondent's
+humorous effort in which he gave Si Perkins's explanation of being in
+jail. And that explanation ran on all fours with a Chinese story ages
+and ages old. The local correspondent did not plagiarize from the
+Chinaman: merely, the humorous bent of the two was identical. In the
+ancient Oriental tale, a man who wore the thief's collar as a punishment
+was questioned by an acquaintance concerning the cause of his plight.
+
+"Why, it was just nothing at all," the convict explained easily. "I was
+strolling along the edge of the canal, when I happened to catch sight of
+a bit of old rope. Of course, I knew that old piece of rope was of no
+use to anyone, and so I just picked it up, and took it home with me."
+
+"But I don't understand," the acquaintance exclaimed. "Why should they
+punish you so severely for a little thing like that? I don't understand
+it."
+
+"I don't understand it, either," the convict declared, "unless, maybe,
+it was because there was an ox at the other end of the rope."
+
+The universality of humor is excellently illustrated in Greek
+literature, where is to be found many a joke at which we are laughing
+to-day, as others have laughed through the centuries. Half a thousand
+years before the Christian era, a platonic philosopher at Alexandria, by
+name Hierocles, grouped twenty-one jests in a volume under the title,
+"Asteia." Some of them are still current with us as typical Irish bulls.
+Among these were accounts of the "Safety-first" enthusiast who
+determined never to enter the water until he had learned to swim; of the
+horse-owner, training his nag to live without eating, who was successful
+in reducing the feed to a straw a day, and was about to cut this off
+when the animal spoiled the test by dying untimely; of the fellow who
+posed before a looking glass with his eyes closed, to learn how he
+looked when asleep; of the inquisitive person who held a crow captive in
+order to test for himself whether it would live two centuries; of the
+man who demanded to know from an acquaintance met in the street whether
+it was he or his twin brother who had just been buried. Another Greek
+jest that has enjoyed a vogue throughout the world at large, and will
+doubtless survive even prohibition, was the utterance of Diogenes, when
+he was asked as to what sort of wine he preferred. His reply was: "That
+of other people."
+
+Again, we may find numerous duplicates of contemporary stories of our
+own in the collection over which generations of Turks have laughed, the
+tales of Nasir Eddin. In reference to these, it may be noted that
+Turkish wit and humor are usually distinguished by a moralizing quality.
+When a man came to Nasir Eddin for the loan of a rope, the request was
+refused with the excuse that Nasir's only piece had been used to tie up
+flour. "But it is impossible to tie up flour with a rope," was the
+protest. Nasir Eddin answered: "I can tie up anything with a rope when I
+do not wish to lend it."
+
+When another would have borrowed his ass, Nasir replied that he had
+already loaned the animal. Thereupon, the honest creature brayed from
+the stable. "But the ass is there," the visitor cried indignantly. "I
+hear it!" Nasir Eddin retorted indignantly: "What! Would you take the
+word of an ass instead of mine?"
+
+In considering the racial characteristics of humor, we should pay
+tribute to the Spanish in the person of Cervantes, for _Don Quixote_ is
+a mine of drollery. But the bulk of the humor among all the Latin races
+is of a sort that our more prudish standards cannot approve. On the
+other hand, German humor often displays a characteristic spirit of
+investigation. Thus, the little boy watching the pupils of a girls'
+school promenading two by two, graded according to age, with the
+youngest first and the oldest last, inquired of his mother: "Mama, why
+is it that the girls' legs grow shorter as they grow older?" In the way
+of wit, an excellent illustration is afforded by Heine, who on receiving
+a book from its author wrote in acknowledgment of the gift: "I shall
+lose no time in reading it."
+
+The French are admirable in both wit and humor, and the humor is usually
+kindly, though the shafts of wit are often barbed. I remember a humorous
+picture of a big man shaking a huge trombone in the face of a tiny
+canary in its cage, while he roars in anger: "That's it! Just as I was
+about, with the velvety tones of my instrument, to imitate the
+twittering of little birds in the forest, you have to interrupt with
+your infernal din!" The caustic quality of French wit is illustrated
+plenteously by Voltaire. There is food for meditation in his utterance:
+"Nothing is so disagreeable as to be obscurely hanged." He it was, too,
+who sneered at England for having sixty religions and only one gravy. To
+an adversary in argument who quoted the minor prophet Habakkuk, he
+retorted contemptuously: "A person with a name like that is capable of
+saying anything."
+
+But French wit is by no means always of the cutting sort. Its more
+amiable aspect is shown by the declaration of Brillat Savarin to the
+effect that a dinner without cheese is like a beautiful woman with only
+one eye. Often the wit is merely the measure of absurdity, as when a
+courtier in speaking of a fat friend said: "I found him sitting all
+around the table by himself." And there is a ridiculous story of the
+impecunious and notorious Marquis de Favières who visited a Parisian
+named Barnard, and announced himself as follows:
+
+"Monsieur, I am about to astonish you greatly. I am the Marquis de
+Favières. I do not know you, but I come to you to borrow five-hundred
+luis."
+
+Barnard answered with equal explicitness:
+
+"Monsieur, I am going to astonish you much more. I know you, and I am
+going to lend them to you."
+
+The amiable malice, to use a paradoxical phrase, which is often
+characteristic of French tales, is capitally displayed in the following:
+
+The wife of a villager in Poitou became ill, and presently fell into a
+trance, which deceived even the physician, so that she was pronounced
+dead, and duly prepared for burial. Following the local usage, the body
+was wrapped in a sheet, to be borne to the burial place on the shoulders
+of four men chosen from the neighborhood. The procession followed a
+narrow path leading across the fields to the cemetery. At a turning, a
+thorn tree stood so close that one of the thorns tore through the sheet
+and lacerated the woman's flesh. The blood flowed from the wound, and
+she suddenly aroused to consciousness. Fourteen years elapsed before the
+good wife actually came to her deathbed. On this occasion, the
+ceremonial was repeated. And now, as the bearers of the body approached
+the turn of the path, the husband called to them:
+
+"Look out for the thorn tree, friends!"
+
+The written humor of the Dutch does not usually make a very strong
+appeal to us. They are inclined to be ponderous even in their play, and
+lack in great measure the sarcasm and satire and the lighter subtlety in
+fun-making. History records a controversy between Holland and Zealand,
+which was argued pro and con during a period of years with great
+earnestness. The subject for debate that so fascinated the Dutchmen was:
+"Does the cod take the hook, or does the hook take the cod?"
+
+Because British wit and humor often present themselves under aspects
+somewhat different from those preferred by us, we belittle their efforts
+unjustly. As a matter of fact, the British attainments in this direction
+are the best in the world, next to our own. Moreover, in the British
+colonies is to be found a spirit of humor that exactly parallels our own
+in many distinctive features. Thus, there is a Canadian story that might
+just as well have originated below the line, of an Irish girl, recently
+imported, who visited her clergyman and inquired his fee for marrying.
+He informed her that his charge was two dollars. A month later, the girl
+visited the clergyman for the second time, and at once handed him two
+dollars, with the crisp direction, "Go ahead and marry me."
+
+"Where is the bridegroom?" the clergyman asked.
+
+"What!" exclaimed the girl, dismayed. "Don't you furnish him for the two
+dollars?"
+
+It would seem that humor is rather more enjoyable to the British taste
+than wit, though there is, indeed, no lack of the latter. But the people
+delight most in absurd situations that appeal to the risibilities
+without any injury to the feelings of others. For example, Dickens
+relates an anecdote concerning two men, who were about to be hanged at a
+public execution. When they were already on the scaffold in preparation
+for the supreme moment, a bull being led to market broke loose and ran
+amuck through the great crowd assembled to witness the hanging. One of
+the condemned men on the scaffold turned to his fellow, and remarked:
+
+"I say, mate, it's a good thing we're not in that crowd."
+
+In spite of the gruesome setting and the gory antics of the bull, the
+story is amusing in a way quite harmless. Similarly, too, there is only
+wholesome amusement in the woman's response to a vegetarian, who made
+her a proposal of marriage. She did, not mince her words:
+
+"Go along with you! What? Be flesh of your flesh, and you a-living on
+cabbage? Go marry a grass widow!"
+
+The kindly spirit of British humor is revealed even in sarcastic jesting
+on the domestic relation, which, on the contrary, provokes the bitterest
+jibes of the Latins. The shortest of jokes, and perhaps the most famous,
+was in the single word of _Punch's_ advice to those about to get
+married:
+
+"Don't!"
+
+The like good nature is in the words of a woman who was taken to a
+hospital in the East End of London. She had been shockingly beaten, and
+the attending surgeon was moved to pity for her and indignation against
+her assailant.
+
+"Who did this?" he demanded. "Was it your husband?"
+
+"Lor' bless yer, no!" she declared huffily. "W'y, my 'usband 'e 's more
+like a friend nor a 'usband!"
+
+Likewise, of the two men who had drunk not wisely but too well, with
+the result that in the small hours they retired to rest in the gutter.
+Presently, one of the pair lifted his voice in protest:
+
+"I shay, le's go to nuzzer hotel--this leaksh!"
+
+Or the incident of the tramp, who at the back door solicited alms of a
+suspicious housewife. His nose was large and of a purple hue. The woman
+stared at it with an accusing eye, and questioned bluntly:
+
+"What makes your nose so red?"
+
+The tramp answered with heavy sarcasm:
+
+"That 'ere nose o' mine, mum, is a-blushin' with pride, 'cause it ain't
+stuck into other folks's business."
+
+But British wit, while often amiable enough, may on occasion be as
+trenchant as any French sally. For example, we have the definition of
+gratitude as given by Sir Robert Walpole--"A lively sense of future
+favors." The Marquis of Salisbury once scored a clumsy partner at whist
+by his answer to someone who asked how the game progressed: "I'm doing
+as well as could be expected, considering that I have three
+adversaries." So the retort of Lamb, when Coleridge said to him:
+"Charles, did you ever hear me lecture?". * * * "I never heard you do
+anything else." And again, Lamb mentioned in a letter how Wordsworth had
+said that he did not see much difficulty in writing like Shakespeare, if
+he had a mind to try it. "Clearly," Lamb continued, "nothing is wanted
+but the mind." Then there is the famous quip that runs back to Tudor
+times, although it has been attributed to various later celebrities,
+including Doctor Johnson: A concert singer was executing a number lurid
+with vocal pyrotechnics. An admirer remarked that the piece was
+tremendously difficult. This drew the retort from another auditor:
+
+"Difficult! I wish to heaven it were impossible!"
+
+Americans are famous, and sometimes infamous, for their devotion to the
+grotesque in humor. Yet, a conspicuous example of such amusing absurdity
+was given by Thackeray, who made reference to an oyster so large that it
+took two men to swallow it whole.
+
+It is undeniable that the British are fond of puns. It is usual to sneer
+at the pun as the lowest form of wit. Such, alas! it too often is, and
+frequently, as well, it is a form of no wit at all. But the pun may
+contain a very high form of wit, and may please either for its
+cleverness, or for its amusing quality, or for the combination of the
+two. Naturally, the really excellent pun has always been in favor with
+the wits of all countries. Johnson's saying, that a man who would make a
+pun would pick a pocket, is not to be taken too seriously. It is not
+recorded that Napier ever "pinched a leather," but he captured Scinde,
+and in notifying the government at home of this victory he sent a
+dispatch of one word, "_Peccavi_" ("I have sinned"). The pun is of the
+sort that may be appreciated intellectually for its cleverness, while
+not calculated to cause laughter. Of the really amusing kind are the
+innumerable puns of Hood. He professed himself a man of many sorrows,
+who had to be a lively Hood for a livelihood. His work abounds in an
+ingenious and admirable mingling of wit and humor. For example:
+
+
+     "Ben Battle was a soldier bold,
+       And used to war's alarms,
+     But a cannon ball took off his legs,
+       So he laid down his arms.
+
+     "And as they took him off the field,
+       Cried he, 'Let others shoot,
+     'For here I leave my second leg,
+       'And the Forty-Second Foot.'"
+
+
+It is doubtless true that it would require a surgical operation to get a
+joke into some particular Scotchman's head. But we have some persons of
+the sort even in our own country. Many of the British humorists have
+been either Scotch or Irish, and it is rather profitless to attempt
+distinctions as to the humorous sense of these as contrasted with the
+English. Usually, stories of thrift and penuriousness are told of the
+Scotch without doing them much injustice, while bulls are designated
+Irish with sufficient reasonableness. In illustration of the Scotch
+character, we may cite the story of the visitor to Aberdeen, who was
+attacked by three footpads. He fought them desperately, and inflicted
+severe injuries. When at last he had been subdued and searched the only
+money found on him was a crooked sixpence. One of the thieves remarked
+glumly:
+
+"If he'd had a good shilling, he'd have killed the three of us."
+
+And there is the classic from _Punch_ of the Scotchman, who, on his
+return home from a visit to London, in describing his experiences,
+declared:
+
+"I had na been there an hour when bang! went saxpence!"
+
+Anent the Irish bull, we may quote an Irishman's answer when asked to
+define a bull. He said:
+
+"If you see thirteen cows lying down in a field, and one of them is
+standing up, that's a bull."
+
+A celebrity to whom many Irish bulls have been accredited was Sir Boyle
+Roche. He wrote in a letter:
+
+"At this very moment, my dear----, I am writing this with a sword in one
+hand and a pistol in the other."
+
+He it was who in addressing the Irish House of Commons asserted stoutly:
+
+"Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest of all possible
+misfortune is usually followed by a greater."
+
+And there is the hospitable invitation of the Irishman:
+
+"Sir, if you ever come within a mile of my house, I hope you will stop
+there." And it was an Irishman who remarked to another concerning a
+third: "You are thin, and I am thin, but he's as thin as the two of us
+put together." Also, it was an Irishman who, on being overtaken by a
+storm, remarked to his friend: "Sure, we'll get under a tree, and whin
+it's wet through, faith, we'll get under another."
+
+Naturally, we Americans have our own bulls a plenty, and they are by no
+means all derived from our Irish stock. Yet, that same Irish stock
+contributes largely and very snappily to our fund of humor. For the
+matter of that, the composite character of our population multiplies the
+varying phases of our fun. We draw for laughter on all the almost
+countless racial elements that form our citizenry. And the whole content
+of our wit and humor is made vital by the spirit of youth. The newness
+of our land and nation gives zest to the pursuit of mirth. We ape the
+old, but fashion its semblance to suit our livelier fancy. We moralize
+in our jesting like the Turk, but are likely to veil the maxim under
+the motley of a Yiddish dialect. Our humor may be as meditative as the
+German at its best, but with a grotesque flavoring all our own. Thus,
+the widow, in plaintive reminiscence concerning the dear departed, said
+musingly:
+
+"If John hadn't blowed into the muzzle of his gun, I guess he'd 'a' got
+plenty of squirrels. It was such a good day for them!"
+
+And in the moralizing vein, this:
+
+The little girl had been very naughty. She was bidden by her mother to
+make an addition to the accustomed bedtime prayer--a request that God
+would make her a better girl. So, the dear child prayed: "And, O God,
+please make Nellie a good little girl." And then, with pious
+resignation, she added:
+
+"Nevertheless, O God, Thy will, not mine, be done."
+
+At times, we are as cynical as the French. So of the husband, who
+confessed that at first after his marriage he doted on his bride to such
+an extent that he wanted to eat her--later, he was sorry that he hadn't.
+
+Our sophistication is such that this sort of thing amuses us, and, it is
+produced only too abundantly. Luckily, in contrast to it, we have no
+lack of that harmless jesting which is more typically English. For
+example, the kindly old lady in the elevator questioned the attendant
+brightly:
+
+"Don't you get awful tired, sonny?"
+
+"Yes, mum," the boy in uniform admitted.
+
+"What makes you so tired, sonny? Is it the going up?'
+
+"No, mum."
+
+"Is it the going down?"
+
+"No, mum."
+
+"Then what is it makes you so tired, sonny?"
+
+"It's the questions, mum."
+
+And this of the little boy, who was asked by his mother as to what he
+would like to give his cousin for a birthday present.
+
+"I know," was the reply, "but I ain't big enough."
+
+Many of our humorists have maintained a constant geniality in their
+humor, even in the treatment of distressing themes. For example, Josh
+Billings made the announcement that one hornet, if it was feeling well,
+could break up a whole camp meeting. Bill Nye, Artemas Ward and many
+another American writer have given in profusion of amiable sillinesses
+to make the nation laugh. It was one of these that told how a drafted
+man sought exemption because he was a negro, a minister, over age, a
+British subject, and an habitual drunkard.
+
+The most distinctive flavor in American humor is that of the grotesque.
+It is characteristic in Mark Twain's best work, and it is characteristic
+of most of those others who have won fame as purveyors of laughter. The
+American tourist brags of his own:
+
+"Talk of Vesuve--huh! Niag'll put her out in three minutes." That
+polished writer, Irving, did not hesitate to declare that Uncle Sam
+believed the earth tipped when he went West. In the archives of our
+government is a state paper wherein President Lincoln referred to
+Mississippi gunboats with draught so light that they would float
+wherever the ground was a little damp. Typically American in its
+grotesquerie was the assertion of a rural humorist who asserted that the
+hogs thereabout were so thin they had to have a knot tied in their
+tails to prevent them from crawling through the chinks in the fence.
+
+Ward displayed the like quality amusingly in his remark to the conductor
+of a tediously slow-moving accommodation train in the South. From his
+seat in the solitary passenger coach behind the long line of freight
+cars, he addressed the official with great seriousness:
+
+"I ask you, conductor, why don't you take the cow-catcher off the engine
+and put it behind the car here? As it is now, there ain't a thing to
+hinder a cow from strolling into a car and biting a passenger."
+
+Similar extravagance appears in another story of a crawling train. The
+conductor demanded a ticket from a baldheaded old man whose face was
+mostly hidden in a great mass of white whiskers.
+
+"I give it to ye," declared the ancient.
+
+"I don't reckon so," the conductor answered. "Where did you get on?"
+
+"At Perkins' Crossin'," he of the hoary beard replied.
+
+The conductor shook his head emphatically.
+
+"Wasn't anybody got aboard at Perkins' Crossin' 'cept one little boy."
+
+"I," wheezed the aged man, "was that little boy."
+
+In like fashion, we tell of a man so tall that he had to go up on a
+ladder to shave himself--and down cellar to put his boots on.
+
+We Americans are good-natured, as is necessary for humor, and we have
+brains, as is necessary for wit, and we have the vitality that makes
+creation easy, even inevitable. So there is never any dearth among us of
+the spirit of laughter, of its multiform products that by their power
+to amuse make life vastly more agreeable. Every newspaper, and most
+magazines carry their quota of jests. Never, anywhere, was the good
+story so universally popular as in America today. It is received with
+gusto in the councils of government, in church, in club, in cross-roads
+store. The teller of good stories is esteemed by all, a blessing
+undisguised. The collection that follows in this volume is, it is
+believed, of a sort that will help mightily to build an honorable fame
+for the narrator.
+
+For greater convenience in references to the volume, the various stories
+and anecdotes are placed under headings arranged in alphabetical order.
+The heading in every case indicates the subject to which the narration
+may be directly applied. This will be found most useful in selecting
+illustrations for addresses of any sort, or for use in arguments.
+History tells us how Lincoln repeatedly carried conviction by expressing
+his ideas through the medium of a story. His method is rendered
+available for any one by this book.
+
+
+
+
+STORIES.
+
+
+JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS
+
+ABSENTMINDEDNESS
+
+
+The man of the house finally took all the disabled umbrellas to the
+repairer's. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up to
+leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella
+belonging to a woman beside him, for he was in the habit of carrying
+one. The woman cried "Stop thief!" rescued her umbrella and covered the
+man with shame and confusion.
+
+That same day, he stopped at the repairer's, and received all eight of
+his umbrellas duly restored. As he entered a street car, with the
+unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold
+glaring at him the lady of his morning adventure. Her voice came to him
+charged with a withering scorn:
+
+"Huh! Had a good day, didn't you!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The absentminded inventor perfected a parachute device. He was taken up
+in a balloon to make a test of the apparatus. Arrived at a height of a
+thousand feet, he climbed over the edge of the basket, and dropped out.
+He had fallen two hundred yards when he remarked to himself, in a tone
+of deep regret:
+
+"Dear me! I've gone and forgotten my umbrella."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The professor, who was famous for the wool-gathering of his wits,
+returned home, and had his ring at the door answered by a new maid. The
+girl looked at him inquiringly:
+
+"Um--ah--is Professor Johnson at home?" he asked, naming himself.
+
+"No, sir," the maid replied, "but he is expected any moment now."
+
+The professor turned away, the girl closed the door. Then the poor man
+sat down on the steps to wait for himself.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The clergyman, absorbed in thinking out a sermon, rounded a turn in the
+path and bumped into a cow. He swept off his hat with a flourish,
+exclaiming:
+
+"I beg your pardon, madam."
+
+Then he observed his error, and was greatly chagrined. Soon, however,
+again engaged with thoughts of the sermon, he collided with a lady at
+another bend of the path.
+
+"Get out of the way, you brute!" he said.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The most absent-minded of clergymen was a Methodist minister who served
+several churches each Sunday, riding from one to another on horseback.
+One Sunday morning he went to the stable while still meditating on his
+sermon and attempted to saddle the horse. After a long period of toil,
+he aroused to the fact that he had put the saddle on himself, and had
+spent a full half hour in vain efforts to climb on his own back.
+
+
+ACQUAINTANCE
+
+The Scotchman who ran a livery was asked by a tourist as to how many the
+carryall would hold.
+
+"Fower generally," was the answer. "Likely sax, if they're weel
+aquaint."
+
+
+ACTORS
+
+The tragedian had just signed a contract to tour South Africa. He told a
+friend of it at the club. The friend shook his head dismally.
+
+"The ostrich," he explained in a pitying tone, "lays an egg weighing
+anywhere from two to four pounds."
+
+
+ADVERTISING
+
+The editor of the local paper was unable to secure advertising from one
+of the business men of the town, who asserted stoutly that he himself
+never read ads., and didn't believe anyone else did.
+
+"Will you advertise if I can convince you that folks read the ads.?" the
+editor asked.
+
+"If you can show me!" was the sarcastic answer. "But you can't."
+
+In the next issue of the paper, the editor ran a line of small type in
+an obscure corner. It read:
+
+"What is Jenkins going to do about it?"
+
+The business man, Jenkins, hastened to seek out the editor next day. He
+admitted that he was being pestered out of his wits by the curious. He
+agreed to stand by the editor's explanation in the forthcoming issue,
+and this was:
+
+"Jenkins is going to advertise, of course."
+
+Having once advertised, Jenkins advertises still.
+
+
+AFFECTION
+
+There are as many aspects of grief as there are persons to mourn. A
+quality of pathetic and rather grisly humor is to be found in the
+incident of an English laborer, whose little son died. The vicar on
+calling to condole with the parents found the father pacing to and fro
+in the living-room with the tiny body in his arms. As the clergyman
+spoke phrases of sympathy, the father, with tears streaming down his
+cheeks, interrupted loudly:
+
+"Oh, sir, you don't know how I loved that li'll faller. Yus, sir, if it
+worn't agin the law, I'd keep him, an' have him stuffed, that I would!"
+
+
+AGE
+
+The woman confessed to her crony:
+
+"I'm growing old, and I know it. Nowadays, the policeman never takes me
+by the arm when he escorts me through the traffic."
+
+
+ALIBI
+
+The mother called in vain for her young son. Then she searched the
+ground floor, the first story, the second, and the attic--all in vain.
+Finally, she climbed to the trap door in the roof, pushed it open, and
+cried:
+
+"John Henry, are you out there?"
+
+An answer came clearly:
+
+"No, mother. Have you looked in the cellar?"
+
+
+AMNESTY
+
+The nurse at the front regarded the wounded soldier with a puzzled
+frown.
+
+"Your face is perfectly familiar to me," she said, musingly. "But I
+can't quite place you somehow."
+
+"Let bygones be bygones, mum," the soldier said weakly. "Yes, mum, I was
+a policeman."
+
+
+ANATOMY
+
+The little boy, sent to the butcher shop, delivered himself of his
+message in these words:
+
+"Ma says to send her another ox-tail, please, an' ma says the last one
+was very nice, an' ma says she wants another off the same ox!"
+
+
+APPEARANCE
+
+Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and numerous
+scratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His mother was
+horrified at the spectacle presented by her darling. There were tears in
+her eyes as she addressed him rebukingly:
+
+"Oh, Willie, Willie! How often have I told you not to play with that
+naughty Peck boy!"
+
+Little Willie regarded his mother with an expression of deepest disgust.
+
+"Say, ma," he objected, "do I look as if I had been playing with
+anybody?"
+
+
+APPEARANCE
+
+The cross-eyed man at the ball bowed with courtly grace, and said:
+
+"May I have the pleasure of this dance?"
+
+Two wallflowers answered as with one voice:
+
+"With pleasure."
+
+
+APPETITE
+
+The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment museum for
+employment as a freak, and the following dialogue occurred:
+
+"Who are you?"
+
+"I am Enoch, the egg king."
+
+"What is your specialty?"
+
+"I eat three dozen hen's eggs, two dozen duck eggs, and one dozen goose
+eggs, at a single setting."
+
+"Do you know our program?"
+
+"What is it?"
+
+"We give four shows every day."
+
+"Oh, yes, I understand that."
+
+"And do you think you can do it?"
+
+"I know I can."
+
+"On Saturdays we give six shows."
+
+"All right."
+
+"On holidays we usually give a performance every hour."
+
+And now, at last, the young man showed signs of doubt.
+
+"In that case, I must have one thing understood before I'd be willing to
+sign a contract."
+
+"What?"
+
+"No matter what the rush of business is in the show, you've got to give
+me time to go to the hotel to eat my regular meals."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Daniel Webster was the guest at dinner of a solicitous hostess who
+insisted rather annoyingly that he was eating nothing at all, that he
+had no appetite, that he was not making out a meal. Finally, Webster
+wearied of her hospitable chatter, and addressed her in his most
+ponderous senatorial manner:
+
+"Madam, permit me to assure you that I sometimes eat more than at other
+times, but never less."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+It was shortly after Thanksgiving Day that someone asked the little boy
+to define the word appetite. His reply was prompt and enthusiastic:
+
+"When you're eating you're 'appy; and when you get through you're
+tight--that's appetite!"
+
+
+APPRECIATION
+
+The distinguished actor had a large photograph of Wordsworth prominently
+displayed in his dressing-room. A friend regarded the picture with some
+surprise, and remarked:
+
+"I see you are an admirer of Wordsworth."
+
+"Who's Wordsworth?" demanded the actor.
+
+"Why, that's his picture," was the answer, as the friend pointed.
+"That's Wordsworth, the poet."
+
+The actor regarded the photograph with a new interest.
+
+"Is that old file a poet?" he exclaimed in astonishment. "I got him for
+a study in wrinkles."
+
+
+ARGUMENT
+
+"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell
+over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by
+the leg."
+
+"Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?"
+
+"Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' course, ma'am. I never argues with sharks."
+
+
+ART
+
+An American tourist and his wife, after their return from abroad, were
+telling of the wonders seen by them at the Louvre in Paris. The husband
+mentioned with enthusiasm a picture which represented Adam and Eve and
+the serpent in the Garden of Eden, in connection with the eating of the
+forbidden fruit. The wife also waxed enthusiastic, and interjected a
+remark:
+
+"Yes, we found the picture most interesting, most interesting indeed,
+because, you see, we know the anecdote."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The Yankee tourist described glowingly the statue of a beautiful woman
+which he had seen in an art museum abroad.
+
+"And the way she stood, so up and coming, was grand. But," he added,
+with a tone of disgust, "those foreigners don't know how to spell. The
+name of the statue was Posish'--and it was some posish, believe me! and
+the dumb fools spelt it--'Psyche!'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Tell me, does your husband snore?"
+
+"Oh, yes, indeed--so delightfully."
+
+"What?"
+
+"Yes, really--he's so musical you know, his voice is baritone, he only
+snores operatic bits, mostly _Aida_."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The packer from Chicago admired a picture by Rosa Bonheur.
+
+"How much is that?" he demanded. The dealer quoted the price as $5,000.
+
+"Holy pig's feet!" the magnate spluttered. "For that money, I can buy
+live hogs and----"
+
+His wife nudged him in the ribs, and whispered:
+
+"Don't talk shop."
+
+
+ATHLETICS
+
+The sister spoke admiringly to the collegian who was calling on her
+after field day, at which she had been present.
+
+"And how they did applaud when you broke that record!"
+
+Her little brother, who overheard, sniffed indignantly.
+
+"Pa didn't applaud me for the one I broke," he complained. "He licked
+me."
+
+
+AUTHORS
+
+A woman lion-hunter entertained a dinner party of distinguished authors.
+These discoursed largely during the meal, and bored one another and more
+especially their host, who was not literary. To wake himself up, he
+excused himself from the table with a vague murmur about opening a
+window, and went out into the hall. He found the footman sound asleep in
+a chair. He shook the fellow, and exclaimed angrily:
+
+"Wake up! You've been listening at the keyhole."
+
+
+BABIES
+
+The visiting Englishman, with an eyeglass screwed to his eye, stared in
+fascinated horror at the ugliest infant he had ever seen, which was in
+its mother's arms opposite him in the street car. At last, his fixed
+gaze attracted the mother's attention, then excited her indignation.
+
+"Rubber!" she piped wrathfully.
+
+"Thank God!" exclaimed the Englishman. "I fancied it might be real."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The teacher had explained to the class that the Indian women are called
+squaws. Then she asked what name was given to the children?
+
+"Porpoises," came one eager answer.
+
+But a little girl whose father bred pigeons, called excitedly:
+
+"Please, teacher, they're squabs!"
+
+
+BAIT
+
+A gentleman strolling alongside a canal observed an old negro and a
+colored boy fishing. A moment later, a splash was heard. The boy had
+fallen into the water. The old darky, however, jumped in after the lad,
+and succeeded in getting him safely to the bank. There he stood the
+victim on his head to let the water drain out, and it was at this moment
+that the gentleman arrived on the scene with profuse expressions of
+admiration for the prompt rescue.
+
+"It was noble of you," the gentleman declared rather rhetorically, "to
+plunge into the water in that way at the risk of your life to save the
+boy. I congratulate you on your brave display of heroic magnanimity."
+
+The old colored man answered with an amiable grin:
+
+"All right, boss. Ah doan know nuffin' 'bout magn'imity. But Ah jess had
+to git dat boy out de water. He had de bait in his pocket."
+
+
+BALDNESS
+
+A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out.
+
+"Won't you give me something to keep it in?" he begged.
+
+"Take this," the doctor said kindly, and he handed the patient a pill
+box.
+
+
+BAPTISM
+
+On the way to the baptism, the baby somehow loosened the stopper of his
+bottle, with the result that the milk made a frightful mess over the
+christening robe. The mother was greatly shamed, but she was compelled
+to hand over the child in its mussed garments to the clergyman at the
+font.
+
+"What name?" the clergyman whispered.
+
+The agitated mother failed to understand, and thought that he complained
+of the baby's condition. So she offered explanation in the words:
+
+"Nozzle come off--nozzle come off!"
+
+The clergyman, puzzled, repeated his whisper:
+
+"What name?"
+
+"Nozzle come off--nozzle come off!" The woman insisted, almost in tears.
+
+The clergyman gave it up, and continued the rite:
+
+"Nozzlecomeoff Smithers, I baptize thee in the name of the Father and of
+the Son and of the Holy Ghost."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The aged negro clergyman announced solemnly from the pulpit:
+
+"Next Sabbath, dar will be a baptism in dis chu'ch, at half-pas' ten in
+de mawnin'. Dis baptism will be of two adults an' six adulteresses."
+
+
+BAPTISTS
+
+The old colored man left the Methodist Church and joined the Baptist.
+Soon afterward, he encountered his former pastor, who inquired the
+reason for his change of sect. The old man explained fully.
+
+"Fust off, I was 'Piscopal, but I hain't learned, an' they done say the
+service so fast, I nebber could keep up, an' when I come out behin', dey
+all look, an' I'se 'shamed. So I jined the Methodis'. Very fine church,
+yes, suh. But dey done has 'Quiry meetin's. An', suh, us cullud folkses
+can't bear too much 'quirin' into. An' a man says to me, 'Why don't you
+jine de Baptis'? De Baptis', it's jest _dip_ an' be done wid it! 'An' so
+I jined."
+
+
+BASEBALL
+
+The teacher directed the class to write a brief account of a baseball
+game. All the pupils were busy during the allotted time, except one
+little boy, who sat motionless, and wrote never a word. The teacher gave
+him an additional five minutes, calling them off one by one. The fifth
+minute had almost elapsed when the youngster awoke to life, and scrawled
+a sentence. It ran thus:
+
+"Rain--no game."
+
+
+BATTLE
+
+_Teacher:_ "In which of his battles was King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden
+slain?"
+
+_Pupil:_ "I'm pretty sure it was the last one."
+
+
+BEARS
+
+The old trapper was chased by a grizzly. When he had thrown away
+everything he carried, and found, nevertheless, that the bear was
+gaining rapidly, he determined to make a stand. As he came into a small
+clearing, he faced about with his back to a stump, and got out and
+opened his clasp-knife. The bear halted a rod away, and sat on its
+haunches, surveying its victim gloatingly. The trapper, though not
+usually given to praying, now improved the interval to offer a petition.
+
+"O God," he said aloud, with his eyes on the bear, "if you're on my
+side, let my knife git 'im quick in 'is vitals, an' if you're on 'is
+side, let 'im finish me fust off. But, O God, if you're nootral, you
+jist sit thar on that stump, an' you'll see the darndest bear fight you
+ever hearn tell on!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The guide introduced a tourist in the Rocky Mountains to an old hunter
+who was reputed to have slain some hundreds of bears.
+
+"This feller," the guide explained to the hunter, "would like to hear
+about some of the narrer escapes you've had from bears."
+
+The old mountaineer regarded the tourist with a disapproving stare.
+
+"Young man," he said, "if there's been any narrer escapes, the bears had
+'em."
+
+
+BEER
+
+The father of a school boy in New York City wrote to the boy's teacher a
+letter of complaint. Possibly he welcomed the advent of
+prohibition--possibly not! Anyhow, the letter was as follows:
+
+"Sir: Will you please for the future give my boy some eesier somes to do
+at nites. This is what he brought home to me three nites ago. If fore
+gallins of bere will fill thirty to pint bottles, how many pint and half
+bottles will nine gallins fill? Well, we tried and could make nothing of
+it all, and my boy cried and said he wouldn't go back to school without
+doing it. So, I had to go and buy a nine gallin' keg of bere, which I
+could ill afford to do, and then we went and borrowed a lot of wine and
+brandy bottles, beside a few we had by us. Well we emptied the keg into
+the bottles, and there was nineteen, and my boy put that down for an
+answer. I don't know whether it is rite or not, as we spilt some in
+doing it.
+
+P. S.--Please let the next one be water as I am not able to buy any more
+bere."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The new soda clerk was a mystery, until he himself revealed his shameful
+past quite unconsciously by the question he put to the girl who had just
+asked for an egg-shake.
+
+"Light or dark?" he asked mechanically.
+
+
+BEGGARS
+
+The cultured maid servant announced to her mistress, wife of the
+profiteer:
+
+"If you please, ma'am, there's a mendicant at the door."
+
+The mistress sniffed contemptuously:
+
+"Tell 'im there's nothin' to mend."
+
+
+
+BEGINNERS
+
+A woman visitor to the city entered a taxicab. No sooner was the door
+closed than the car leaped forward violently, and afterward went racing
+wildly along the street, narrowly missing collision with innumerable
+things. The passenger, naturally enough, was terrified. She thrust her
+head through the open window of the door, and shouted at the chauffeur:
+
+"Please, be careful, sir! I'm nervous. This is the first time I ever
+rode in a taxi."
+
+The driver yelled in reply, without turning his head:
+
+"That's all right, ma'am. It's the first time I ever drove one!"
+
+
+
+BETROTHAL
+
+The cook, Nora, had announced her engagement to a frequenter at the
+kitchen, named Mike. But a year passed and nothing was heard of the
+nuptials. So, one day, the mistress inquired:
+
+"When are you to be married, Nora?"
+
+"Indade, an' it's niver at all, I'll be thinkin', mum," the cook
+answered sadly.
+
+"Really? Why, what is the trouble?"
+
+The reply was explicit:
+
+"'Tis this, mum. I won't marry Mike when he's drunk, an' he won't marry
+me when he's sober."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The delinquent laggard swain had been telling of his ability as a
+presiding officer. The girl questioned him:
+
+"What is the parliamentary phrase when you wish to call for a vote?"
+
+The answer was given with proud certainty:
+
+"Are you ready for the question?"
+
+"Yes, dearest," the girl confessed shyly. "Go ahead."
+
+
+BIGAMY
+
+What is the penalty for bigamy?
+
+Two mothers-in-law.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The man was weak and naturally unlucky, and so he got married three
+times inside of a year. He was convicted and sentenced for four years.
+He seemed greatly relieved. As the expiration of his term grew near, he
+wrote from the penitentiary to his lawyer, with the plaintive query:
+
+"Will it be safe for me to come out?"
+
+
+BIRTH
+
+The little girl in the zoölogical park tossed bits of a bun to the
+stork, which gobbled them greedily, and bobbed its head toward her for
+more.
+
+"What kind of a bird is it, mamma?" the child asked.
+
+The mother read the placard, and answered that it was a stork.
+
+"O-o-o-h!" the little girl cried, as her eyes rounded. "Of course, it
+recognized me!"
+
+
+BLESSING
+
+The philosopher, on being interrupted in his thoughts by the violent
+cackling of a hen that had just laid an egg, was led to express his
+appreciation of a kind Providence by which a fish while laying a million
+eggs to a hen's one, does so in a perfectly quiet and ladylike manner.
+
+
+BLIND
+
+A shopkeeper with no conscience put by his door a box with a slit in the
+cover and a label reading, "For the Blind." A month later, the box
+disappeared. When some one inquired concerning it, the shopkeeper
+chuckled, and pointed to the window.
+
+"I collected enough," he explained. "There's the new blind."
+
+
+BLINDNESS
+
+The sympathetic and inquisitive old lady at the seashore was delighted
+and thrilled by an old sailor's narrative of how he was washed overboard
+during a gale and was only rescued after having sunk for the third time.
+
+"And, of course," she commented brightly, "after you sank the third
+time, your whole past life passed before your eyes."
+
+"I presoom as how it did, mum," the sailor agreed. "But bein' as I had
+my eyes shut, I missed it."
+
+
+BLOCKHEAD
+
+The recruit complained to the sergeant that he'd got a splinter in his
+finger.
+
+"Ye should have more sinse," was the harsh comment, "than to scratch
+your head."
+
+
+BONE OF CONTENTION
+
+The crowd in the car was packed suffocatingly close. The timid passenger
+thought of pickpockets, and thrust his hand into his pocket
+protectingly. He was startled to encounter the fist of a fat
+fellow-passenger.
+
+"I caught you that time!" the fat man hissed.
+
+"Thief yourself!" snorted the timid passenger. "Leggo!"
+
+"Scoundrel!" shouted the fat man.
+
+"Help! Stop thief!" the little fellow spluttered, trying to wrench his
+hand from the other's clasp. As the car halted, the tall man next the
+two disputants spoke sharply:
+
+"I want to get off here, if you dubs will be good enough to take your
+hands out of my pocket."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+During the Civil War, an old negro was deeply interested in the
+conflict, but showed no sign of wishing to take part in it. A white man
+questioned him one day:
+
+"The men of the North and South are killing one another on your account.
+Why don't you pitch in and fight yourself?"
+
+"Has you-all ever seen two dogs fightin' over a bone?" the negro
+demanded.
+
+"Many times, of course," was the answer.
+
+The old negro chuckled as he said:
+
+"Did you ever see de bone fight?"
+
+"Well!--no!"
+
+"Dat's all! I'se de bone."
+
+
+BREAKFAST
+
+The Southern Colonel at Saratoga Springs, in the days before
+prohibition, directed the colored waiter at his table in the hotel:
+
+"You-all kin bring me a Kentucky breakfast."
+
+"An' what is that, sir?" the waiter inquired doubtfully.
+
+The Colonel explained:
+
+"Bring me a big steak, a bulldog and a quart of Bourbon whiskey."
+
+"But why do you order a bulldog?" asked the puzzled waiter.
+
+"To eat the steak, suh!" snapped the Colonel.
+
+
+BREVITY
+
+The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars
+was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened for
+five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was
+going to contribute fifty dollars, after ten minutes more of the sermon,
+he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five
+dollars, after half an hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five
+dollars. At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, he
+stole two dollars.
+
+
+BRIBERY
+
+A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy's organization
+connected with a prominent church. The team was recently challenged by a
+rival club. The pastor gave a special contribution of five dollars to
+the captain, with the direction that the money should be used to buy
+bats, balls, gloves, or anything else that might help to win the game.
+On the day of the game, the pastor was somewhat surprised to observe
+nothing new in the club's paraphernalia. He called the captain to him.
+
+"I don't see any new bats, or balls, or gloves," he said.
+
+"We haven't anything like that," the captain admitted.
+
+"But I gave you five dollars to buy them," the pastor exclaimed.
+
+"Well, you see," came the explanation, "you told us to spend it for
+bats, or balls, or gloves, or anything that we thought might help to win
+the game, so we gave it to the umpire."
+
+
+BRUTALITY
+
+Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window, and at last called
+the conductor as referee.
+
+"If this window is open," one declared, "I shall catch cold, and will
+probably die."
+
+"If the window is shut," the other announced, "I shall certainly
+suffocate." The two glared at each other.
+
+The conductor was at a loss, but he welcomed the words of a man with a
+red nose who sat near. These were:
+
+"First, open the window, conductor. That will kill one. Next, shut it.
+That will kill the other. Then we can have peace."
+
+
+BURGLARY
+
+A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents
+established their home in a suburb. One morning they received in the
+mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line:
+
+"Guess who sent them."
+
+The pair had much amusement in trying to identify the donor, but failed
+in the effort. They duly attended the theatre, and had a delightful
+time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the
+identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every
+article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece
+of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the
+tickets:
+
+"Now you know!"
+
+
+CANDOR
+
+Jeanette was wearing a new frock when her dearest friend called.
+
+"I look a perfect fright," she remarked, eager for praise.
+
+The dearest friend was thinking of her own affairs, and answered
+absent-mindedly:
+
+"Yes, you certainly do."
+
+"Oh, you horrid thing!" Jeanette gasped. "I'll never--never speak to you
+again!"
+
+
+CALMNESS
+
+In Bret Harte's _Mary McGillup_, there is a notable description of
+calmness in most trying circumstances.
+
+"'I have the honor of addressing the celebrated Rebel spy, Miss
+McGillup?'" asked the vandal officer.
+
+"In a moment I was perfectly calm. With the exception of slightly
+expectorating twice in the face of the minion I did not betray my
+agitation."
+
+
+CARDS
+
+A Tennessee farmer went to town and bought a gallon jug of whiskey. He
+left it in the grocery store, and tagged it with a five of hearts from
+the deck in his pocket, on which he wrote his name. When he returned two
+hours later, the jug was gone. He demanded an explanation from the
+grocer.
+
+"Simple enough," was the reply. "Jim Slocum come along with a six of
+hearts, an' jist nacherly took thet thar jug o' yourn."
+
+
+CARELESSNESS
+
+The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, found
+lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons.
+
+"My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of
+silver. "Some one of the company had a hole in his pocket."
+
+
+CATERPILLARS
+
+The small boy sat at the foot of a telegraph pole, with a tin can in his
+hands. The curious old gentleman gazed first at the lad and then at the
+can, much perplexed.
+
+"Caterpillars!" he ejaculated. "What are you doing with them?"
+
+"They climb trees and eat the leaves," the boy explained.
+
+"Yes?"
+
+"And so," the boy continued proudly, "I'm foolin' this bunch by lettin'
+'em climb the telegraph pole."
+
+
+CATS
+
+Clarence, aged eight, was a member of the Band of Mercy, of his Sunday
+School, which was a miniature society for the prevention of cruelty to
+animals. The badge was a small star, and Clarence wore this with as much
+pride as ever a policeman had in his shield. He displayed eagerness in
+the work, and grew somewhat unpopular with the other boys and girls by
+reason of his many rebukes for their harsh treatment of animals. But one
+morning his mother, on looking out of the window, observed to her horror
+that the erstwhile virtuous Clarence had the family cat by the tail, and
+was swinging it to and fro with every evidence of glee. In fact, it had
+been the wailing of the outraged beast that had caused the mother to
+look out.
+
+"Why, Clarence!" she cried, aghast. "What are you doing to that poor
+cat? And you a member of the Band of Mercy!"
+
+Little Clarence released the cat, but he showed no shame as he
+explained:
+
+"I was--but I lost my star."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The teacher put a question to the class:
+
+"What does a cat have that no other animal has?"
+
+A number cried in unison:
+
+"Fur!"
+
+But an objector raised the point that bears and skunks have fur. One
+pupil raised an eager hand:
+
+"I know, teacher--whiskers!"
+
+But another objector laughed scornfully.
+
+"Haw-haw! My papa has whiskers!"
+
+The suggester of whiskers defended her idea by declaring: "My papa ain't
+got whiskers."
+
+"'Cause he can't!" the objector sneered. "Haw-haw! Your pa ain't no
+good. My pa says----"
+
+The teacher rapped for order, and repeated her question. A little girl
+raised her hand, and at the teacher's nod spoke timidly.
+
+"Kittens!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The little girl returned from church deeply musing on the sermon, in
+which the preacher had declared that animals, lacking souls, could not
+go to heaven. As the result of her meditation, she presented a problem
+to the family at the dinner table, when she asked earnestly:
+
+"If cats don't go to heaven, where do the angels get the strings for
+their harps?"
+
+
+CHARITY
+
+"Oh, mamma," questioned the child, "who's that?" He pointed to a nun who
+was passing.
+
+"A Sister of Charity," was the answer.
+
+"Which one," the boy persisted, "Faith or Hope?"
+
+
+CHICKEN-STEALING
+
+The Southern planter heard a commotion in his poultry house late at
+night. With shot gun in hand, he made his way to the door, flung it open
+and curtly ordered:
+
+"Come out of there, you ornery thief!"
+
+There was silence for a few seconds, except for the startled clucking of
+the fowls. Then a heavy bass voice boomed out of the darkness:
+
+"Please, Colonel, dey ain't nobody here 'cept jes' us chickens!"
+
+
+CHRISTIANITY
+
+A shipwrecked traveler was washed up on a small island. He was terrified
+at thought of cannibals, and explored with the utmost stealth.
+Discovering a thin wisp of smoke above the scrub, he crawled toward it
+fearfully, in apprehension that it might be from the campfire of
+savages. But as he came close, a voice rang out sharply:
+
+"Why in hell did you play that card?" The castaway, already on his
+knees, raised his hands in devout thanksgiving.
+
+"Thank God!" he exclaimed brokenly. "They are Christians!"
+
+
+CHRISTMAS
+
+A political boss wished to show his appreciation of the services of a
+colored man who possessed considerable influence. He suggested to the
+darky for a Christmas present the choice between a ton of coal and a jug
+of the best whiskey.
+
+The colored man spoke to the point:
+
+"Ah burns wood."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Santa Claus inserted an upright piano, a fur dolman, a Ford, and a few
+like knick-knacks in the Chicago girl's stocking. When he saw that it
+was not yet half filled, he withdrew to the roof, plumped down on the
+snow, and wept bitterly.
+
+
+CHURCH
+
+The young members of the family had been taught to be punctilious in
+contributing to the collection at church. One Sunday morning, when the
+boxes were being passed, James, aged six, ran his eye over those in the
+pew, and noticed that a guest of his sister had no coin in her hand.
+"Where is your money?" he whispered. She answered that she hadn't any.
+But James was equal to the emergency:
+
+"Here, take mine," he directed. "That'll pay for you. I'll get under the
+seat."
+
+Which he did.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The old negro attended a service in the Episcopal Church for the first
+time in his life. Someone asked him afterward how he had enjoyed the
+experience.
+
+"Not much, shohly not much," he declared, shaking his head. "Dat ain't
+no church for me. No' suh! Dey wastes too much time readin' the minutes
+ob the previous meetin'."
+
+
+CLEANLINESS
+
+The little boy was clad in an immaculate white suit for the lawn party,
+and his mother cautioned him strictly against soiling it. He was
+scrupulous in his obedience, but at last he approached her timidly, and
+said:
+
+"Please, mother, may I sit on my pants?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The mother catechised her young son just before the hour for the arrival
+of the music teacher.
+
+"Have you washed your hands very carefully?"
+
+"Yes, mother."
+
+"And have you washed your face thoroughly?"
+
+"Yes, mother."
+
+"And were you particular to wash behind your ears?"
+
+"On her side I did, mother."
+
+
+COMMUNITY
+
+The young man at the summer resort, who had become engaged to the pretty
+girl, received information that led him to question her:
+
+"Is it true that since you came up here you've got engaged to Billy, Ed,
+George and Harry, as well as me?"
+
+The young lady assumed an air of disdain.
+
+"What is that to you?" she demanded.
+
+"Just this," he replied gently. "If it's so, and you have no objection,
+we fellows will all chip in together to buy an engagement ring."
+
+
+COMPENSATION
+
+Isaac and Moses dined in a restaurant that was new to them, and were
+pained seriously by the amount of the check. Moses began to expostulate
+in a loud voice, but Isaac hushed him with a whisper:
+
+"'Sh! I haf the spoons in my pocket."
+
+
+COMPLIMENTS
+
+"Would you like a lock of my hair?" asked the gallant old bachelor of
+the spinster who had been a belle a few decades past.
+
+"Why don't you offer me the whole wig?" the maiden lady gibed, with a
+titter.
+
+The bachelor retorted with icy disdain:
+
+"You are very biting, madam, considering that your teeth are porcelain."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young man, dancing with the girl to whom he had just been
+introduced, remarked with the best of intentions, but rather
+unfortunately:
+
+"That's the new waltz. My sister was raving about it. I think it's
+pretty bad. I expect she danced it with somebody rather nice."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+In former times, when royalties were more important, a lady at a court
+ball was intensely gratified when a prince selected her as a partner.
+She was almost overwhelmed with pride when he danced a second measure
+with her.
+
+"Oh," she gushed, as she reposed blissfully in his arms, "your highness
+does me too great honor."
+
+The prince answered coldly:
+
+"But no, madam. Merely, my physician has directed me to perspire."
+
+
+CONCEALMENT
+
+The widow was deep in suds over the family wash, when she saw her pastor
+coming up the path to the door. She gave directions to her young son to
+answer the bell, and to tell the clergyman that his mother had just gone
+down the street on an errand. Since the single ground floor room of the
+cottage offered no better hiding place against observation from the
+door, she crouched behind a clothes-horse hung with drying garments.
+When the boy had opened the door to the minister, and had duly delivered
+the message concerning his mother's absence, the reverend gentleman cast
+a sharp look toward the screen of drying clothes, and addressed the boy
+thus:
+
+"Well, my lad, just tell your mother I called. And you might say to her
+that the next time she goes down the street, she should take her feet
+along."
+
+
+CONCEIT
+
+"I suppose I must admit that I do have my faults," the husband remarked
+in a tone that was far from humble.
+
+"Yes," the wife snapped, "and in your opinion your faults are better
+than other folks' virtues."
+
+
+CONSCIENCE
+
+The child had been greatly impressed by her first experience in Sunday
+school. She pressed her hands to her breast, and said solemnly to her
+sister, two years older:
+
+"When you hear something wite here, it is conscience whispering to you."
+
+"It's no such thing," the sister jeered. "That's just wind on your
+tummie."
+
+
+CONSTANCY
+
+His companion bent over the dying man, to catch the last faintly
+whispered words. The utterance came with pitiful feebleness, yet with
+sufficient clearness:
+
+"I am dying--yes. Go to Fannie. Tell her--I died--with her name--on my
+lips, that I--loved her--her alone--always.... And Jennie--tell
+Jennie--the same thing."
+
+
+CONVERSION
+
+A zealous church member in a Kentucky village made an earnest effort to
+convert a particularly vicious old mountaineer named Jim, who was
+locally notorious for his godlessness. But the old man was hard-headed
+and stubborn, firmly rooted in his evil courses, so that he resisted the
+pious efforts in his behalf.
+
+"Jim," the exhorter questioned sadly at last, "ain't you teched by the
+story of the Lord what died to save yer soul?"
+
+"Humph!" Jim retorted contemptuously. "Air ye aimin' to tell me the Lord
+died to save me, when He ain't never seed me, ner knowed me?"
+
+"Jim," the missionary explained with fervor, "it was a darn sight easier
+for the Lord to die fer ye jest because He never seed ye than if He
+knowed ye as well as we-alls do!"
+
+
+COOKERY
+
+The housewife gave the tramp a large piece of pie on condition that he
+should saw some wood. The tramp retired to the woodshed, but presently
+he reappeared at the back door of the house with the piece of pie still
+intact save for one mouthful bitten from the end.
+
+"Madam," he said respectfully to the wondering woman, "if it's all the
+same to you, I'll eat the wood, and saw the pie."
+
+
+COURTESY
+
+The witness was obviously a rustic and quite new to the ways of a
+court-room. So, the judge directed him:
+
+"Speak to the jury, sir--the men sitting behind you on the benches."
+
+The witness turned, bowed clumsily and said:
+
+"Good-morning, gentlemen."
+
+
+COWARDICE
+
+The old farmer and his wife visited the menagerie. When they halted
+before the hippopotamus cage, he remarked admiringly:
+
+"Darn'd curi's fish, ain't it, ma?"
+
+"That ain't a fish," the wife announced. "That's a rep-tile."
+
+It was thus that the argument began. It progressed to a point of such
+violence that the old lady began belaboring the husband with her
+umbrella. The old man dodged and ran, with the wife in pursuit. The
+trainer had just opened the door of the lions' cage, and the farmer
+popped in. He crowded in behind the largest lion and peered over its
+shoulder fearfully at his wife, who, on the other side of the bars,
+shook her umbrella furiously.
+
+"Coward!" she shouted. "Coward!"
+
+
+CURIOSITY
+
+The colored man, passing through the market, saw a turtle for the first
+time, and surveyed it with great interest. The creature's head was
+withdrawn, but as the investigator fumbled about the shell, it shot
+forward and nipped his finger. With a howl of pain he stuck his finger
+in his mouth, and sucked it.
+
+"What's the matter?" the fishmonger asked with a grin.
+
+"Nothin'--jest nothin' a tall," the colored man answered thickly. "Ah
+was only wonderin' whether Ah had been bit or stung."
+
+
+DAMAGES
+
+The child came to his mother in tears.
+
+"Oh, mama," he confessed, "I broke a tile in the hearth."
+
+"Never mind, dear," the mother consoled. "But how ever did you come to
+do it?"
+
+"I was pounding it with father's watch?"
+
+
+DANGER
+
+One foot in the grave, and the other slipping.
+
+
+DEAD CERTAINTY
+
+On Tuesday, a colored maid asked her mistress for permission to be
+absent on the coming Friday. She explained that she wished to attend
+the funeral of her fiancé. The mistress gave the required permission
+sympathetically.
+
+"But you're not wearing mourning, Jenny," she remarked.
+
+"Oh, no, ma'am," the girl replied. "You see, ma'am, he ain't dead yet.
+The hanging ain't till Friday."
+
+
+DEAD MEN'S SHOES
+
+When a certain officer of the governor's staff died, there were many
+applicants for the post, and some were indecently impatient. While the
+dead colonel was awaiting burial, one aspirant buttonholed the governor,
+asking:
+
+"Would you object to my taking the place of the colonel?"
+
+"Not at all," the governor replied tartly. "See the undertaker."
+
+
+DEAFNESS
+
+In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young man
+addressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him:
+
+"The show is very good, don't you think?"
+
+The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied:
+
+"Me, I always take the surface cars. Them elevated an' subway stairs
+ketches my breath."
+
+"I said the show was a good one," exclaimed the young man, raising his
+voice.
+
+Again, the elderly person nodded agreeably.
+
+"They jump about a good deal," was his comment, "but they're on the
+ground, which the others ain't."
+
+Now, the young man shouted:
+
+"You're a little deaf, ain't you?"
+
+At last the other understood.
+
+"Yes, sir!" he announced proudly. "I'm as deef as a post." He chuckled
+contentedly. "Some folks thinks as that's a terrible affliction, but I
+don't. I kin always hear what I'm sayin' myself, an' that's interestin'
+enough for me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An excellent old gentleman grew hard of hearing, and was beset with
+apprehension lest he become totally deaf. One day, as he rested on a
+park bench, another elderly citizen seated himself alongside. The
+apprehensive old gentleman saw that the new comer was talking rapidly,
+but his ears caught no faintest sound of the other's voice. He listened
+intently--in vain. He cupped a hand to his ear, but there was only
+silence. At last, in despair, he spoke his thought aloud:
+
+"It's come at last! I know you've been talking all this while, but I
+haven't heard a single word."
+
+The answer, given with a grin, was explicit and satisfying to the
+worried deaf man:
+
+"I hain't been talkin'--jest a-chewin'."
+
+
+DEDICATION
+
+The visitor to the poet's wife expressed her surprise that the man of
+genius had failed to dedicate any one of his volumes to the said wife.
+Whereupon, said wife became flustered, and declared tartly:
+
+"I never thought of that. As soon as you are gone, I'll look through all
+his books, and if that's so, I never will forgive him!"
+
+
+DEFINITION
+
+The schoolboy, after profound thought, wrote this definition of the word
+"spine," at his teacher's request.
+
+"A spine is a long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set
+on the other."
+
+
+DEGREES IN DEGRADATION
+
+Phil May, the artist, when once down on his luck in Australia, took a
+job as waiter in a very low-class restaurant. An acquaintance came into
+the place to dine, and was aghast when he discovered the artist in his
+waiter.
+
+"My God!" he whispered. "To find you in such a place as this."
+
+Phil May smiled, as he retorted:
+
+"Oh, but, you see, I don't eat here."
+
+
+DELAY
+
+A woman in the mountains of Tennessee was seated in the doorway of the
+cabin, busily eating some pig's feet. A neighbor hurried up to tell of
+how her husband had become engaged in a saloon brawl and had been shot
+to death. The widow continued munching on a pig's foot in silence while
+she listened to the harrowing news. As the narrator paused, she spoke
+thickly from her crowded mouth:
+
+"Jest wait till I finish this-here pig's trotter, an' ye'll hear some
+hollerin' as is hollerin'."
+
+
+DEVIL
+
+Some wasps built their nests during the week in a Scotch clergyman's
+best breeches. On the Sabbath as he warmed up to his preaching, the
+wasps, too, warmed up, with the result that presently the minister was
+leaping about like a jack in the box, and slapping his lower anatomy
+with great vigor, to the amazement of the congregation.
+
+"Be calm, brethren," he shouted. "The word of God is in my mouth, but
+the De'il's in my breeches!"
+
+
+DIET
+
+The young lady, who was something of a food fadist, was on a visit to a
+coast fishing village. She questioned her host as to the general diet of
+the natives, and was told that they subsisted almost entirely on fish.
+The girl protested:
+
+"But fish is a brain food, and these folks are really the most
+unintelligent-looking that I ever saw."
+
+"Mebbe so," the host agreed. "And just think what they'd look like if
+they didn't eat fish!"
+
+
+DIGESTION
+
+In an English school, the examiner asked one of the children to name the
+products of the Indian Empire. The child was well prepared, but very
+nervous.
+
+"Please, sir," the answer ran, "India produces curries and pepper and
+rice and citron and chutney and--and----"
+
+There was a long pause. Then, as the first child remained silent, a
+little girl raised her hand. The examiner nodded.
+
+"Yes, you may name any other products of India."
+
+"Please, sir," the child announced proudly, "India-gestion."
+
+
+DIPLOMACY
+
+"Now, let me see," the impecunious man demanded as he buttonholed an
+acquaintance, "do I owe you anything?"
+
+"Not a penny, my dear sir," was the genial reply. "You are going about
+paying your little debts?"
+
+"No, I'm going about to see if I've overlooked anybody? Lend me ten till
+Saturday."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Ted had a habit of dropping in at the house next door on baking day, for
+the woman of that house had a deft way in the making of cookies, and Ted
+had no hesitation in enjoying her hospitality, even to the extent of
+asking for cookies if they were not promptly forthcoming.
+
+When the boy's father learned of this, he gave Ted a lecture and a
+strict order never to ask for cookies at the neighbor's kitchen. So,
+when a few days later the father saw his son munching a cookie as he
+came away from the next house, he spoke sternly:
+
+"Have you been begging cookies again?"
+
+"Oh, no, I didn't beg any," Ted answered cheerfully. "I just said, this
+house smells as if it was full of cookies. But what's that to me?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Sometimes the use of a diplomatic method defeats its own purpose, as in
+the case of the old fellow who was enthusiastic in praise of the busy
+lawyer from whose office he had just come, after a purely social call.
+
+"That feller, for a busy man," he declared earnestly, "is one of the
+pleasantest chaps I ever did meet. Why, I dropped in on him jest to pass
+the time o' day this mornin', an' I hadn't been chattin' with 'im more'n
+five minutes before he'd told me three times to come and see 'im agin."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The lady of uncertain age simpered at the gentleman of about the same
+age who had offered her his seat in the car.
+
+"Why should you be so kind to me?" she gurgled.
+
+"My dear madam, because I myself have a mother and a wife and a
+daughter."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Diplomacy is shown inversely by the remark of the professor to the lady
+in this story.
+
+At a reception the woman chatted for some time with the distinguished
+man of learning, and displayed such intelligence that one of the
+listeners complimented her.
+
+"Oh, really," she said with a smile, "I've just been concealing my
+ignorance."
+
+The professor spoke gallantly.
+
+"Not at all, not at all, my dear madam! Quite the contrary, I do assure
+you."
+
+
+DIRT
+
+We are more particular nowadays about cleanliness than were those of a
+past generation. Charles Lamb, during a whist game, remarked to his
+partner:
+
+"Martin, if dirt were trumps, what a hand you'd have!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The French aristocrats were not always conspicuously careful in their
+personal habits. A visitor to a Parisian _grande dame_ remarked to her
+hostess:
+
+"But how dirty your hands are."
+
+The great lady regarded her hands doubtfully, as she replied:
+
+"Oh, do you think so? Why, you ought to see my feet!"
+
+
+DISCIPLINE
+
+Jimmy found much to criticise in his small sister. He felt forced to
+remonstrate with his mother.
+
+"Don't you want Jenny to be a good wife like you when she grows up?" he
+demanded. His mother nodded assent.
+
+"Then you better get busy, ma. You make me give into her all the time
+'cause I'm bigger 'en she is. You're smaller 'en pa, but when he comes
+in, you bring him his slippers, and hand him the paper." Jimmie yanked
+his go-cart from baby Jennie, and disregarded her wail of anger as he
+continued:
+
+"Got to dis'pline her, or she'll make an awful wife!"
+
+
+DISCRETION
+
+The kindly and inquisitive old gentleman was interested in the messenger
+boy who sat on the steps of a house, and toyed delicately with a
+sandwich taken from its wrapper. With the top piece of bread carefully
+removed, the boy picked out and ate a few small pieces of the chicken.
+The puzzled observer questioned the lad:
+
+"Now, sonny, why don't you eat your sandwich right down, instead of
+fussing with it like that?"
+
+The answer was explicit:
+
+"Dasn't! 'Tain't mine."
+
+
+DIVORCE
+
+The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who sought a
+divorce.
+
+"Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have
+to find with your husband."
+
+And the wife was explicit:
+
+"He is a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!"
+
+"Tut, tut!" the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficulty
+in proving all your assertions."
+
+"Prove it!" was the retort. "Why, everybody knows it."
+
+"If you knew it," his honor demanded sarcastically, "why did you marry
+him?"
+
+"I didn't know it before I married him."
+
+The husband interrupted angrily:
+
+"Yes, she did, too," he shouted. "She did so!"
+
+
+DOCTORS
+
+A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be
+examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patient
+that the ailment would respond readily to treatment.
+
+"You're so sure," the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you must have had a
+great deal of experience with this disease."
+
+The physician smiled wisely, and answered in a most confidential manner:
+
+"Why, my dear sir, I've had bronchitis myself for more than fifteen
+years."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A well-to-do colored man suffered a serious illness, and showed no signs
+of improvement under treatment by a physician of his own race. So,
+presently, he dismissed this doctor and summoned a white man. The new
+physician made a careful examination of the patient, and then asked:
+
+"Did that other doctor take your temperature?"
+
+The sick man shook his head doubtfully.
+
+"I dunno, suh," he declared, "I sartinly dunno. All I've missed so far
+is my watch."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an
+honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice, on the
+blackboard in his class-room:
+
+"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed
+honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."
+
+When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written
+below his notice this line:
+
+"God save the King."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The Chinaman expressed his gratitude to that mighty physician Sing Lee,
+as follows:
+
+"Me velly sick man. Me get Doctor Yuan Sin. Takee him medicine. Velly
+more sick. Me get Doctor Hang Shi. Takee him medicine. Velly bad--think
+me go die. Me callee Doctor Kai Kon. Him busy--no can come. Me get
+well."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The instructor in the Medical College exhibited a diagram.
+
+"The subject here limps," he explained, "because one leg is shorter than
+the other." He addressed one of the students:
+
+"Now, Mr. Snead, what would you do in such a case?"
+
+Young Snead pondered earnestly and replied with conviction:
+
+"I fancy, sir, that I should limp, too."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The physician turned from the telephone to his wife:
+
+"I must hurry to Mrs. Jones' boy--he's sick."
+
+"Is it serious?"
+
+"Yes. I don't know what's the matter with him, but she has a book on
+what to do before the doctor comes. So I must hurry. Whatever it is, she
+mustn't do it."
+
+
+DOCTRINE
+
+In a former generation, when elaborate doctrines were deemed more
+important by Christian clergymen than they are to-day, they were prone
+to apply every utterance of the Bible to the demonstration of their own
+particular tenets. For example, one distinguished minister announced his
+text and introduced his sermon as follows:
+
+"'So, Mephibosheth dwelt in Jerusalem, for he did eat at the King's
+table, and he was lame on both his feet.'
+
+"My brethren, we are here taught the doctrine of human
+depravity.--Mephibosheth was lame. Also the doctrine of total
+depravity--he was lame on both his feet. Also the doctrine of
+justification--for he dwelt in Jerusalem. Fourth, the doctrine of
+adoption--'he did eat at the King's table.' Fifth, the doctrine of the
+perseverance of the saints--for we read that 'he did eat at the King's
+table continually.'"
+
+
+DOCUMENTARY EVIDENCE
+
+During the worst of the spy-scare period in London a man was brought
+into the police station, who declared indignantly that he was a
+well-known American citizen. But his captor denounced him as a German,
+and offered as proof the hotel register, which he had brought along. He
+pointed to the signature of the accused. It read:
+
+"V. Gates."
+
+
+DOGS
+
+The tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the wayside, munching
+at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, out walking with her pet
+Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to
+muzzle the food. The tramp smiled expansively on the lady.
+
+"Shall I throw the leetle dog a bit, mum?" he asked.
+
+The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly interest in her pet,
+and murmured an assent. The tramp caught the dog by the nape of the neck
+and tossed it over the hedge, remarking:
+
+"And if he comes back, mum, I might throw him a bit more."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Many a great man has been given credit as originator of this cynical
+sentiment:
+
+"The more I see of men, the more I respect dogs."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The fox terrier regarded with curious interest the knot tied in the tail
+of the dachshund.
+
+"What's the big idea?" he inquired.
+
+"That," the dachshund answered, "is a knot my wife tied to make me
+remember an errand."
+
+The fox terrier wagged his stump of tail thoughtfully.
+
+"That," he remarked at last, "must be the reason I'm so forgetful."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+During the siege of Paris in the Franco-German war, when everybody was
+starving, one aristocratic family had their pet dog served for dinner.
+The master of the house, when the meal was ended, surveyed the platter
+through tear-dimmed eyes, and spoke sadly:
+
+"How Fido would have enjoyed these bones!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young clergyman during a parochial call noticed that the little
+daughter of the hostess was busy with her slate while eying him closely
+from time to time.
+
+"And what are you doing, Clara?" he asked, with his most engaging smile.
+
+"I'm drawing a picture of you," was the answer.
+
+The clerical visitor sat very still to facilitate the work of the
+artist. But, presently, Clara shook her head in discouragement.
+
+"I don't like it much," she confessed. "I guess I'll put a tail on it,
+and call it a dog."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The meditative Hollander delivered a monologue to his dog:
+
+"You vas only a dog, but I vish I vas you. Ven you go your bed in, you
+shust turn round dree times and lie down; ven I go de bed in, I haf to
+lock up the blace, and vind up de clock, and put out de cat, and undress
+myself, and my vife vakes up and scolds, and den de baby vakes and cries
+and I haf to valk him de house around, and den maybe I get myself to bed
+in time to get up again.
+
+"Ven you get up you shust stretch yourself, dig your neck a little, and
+you vas up. I haf to light de fire, put on de kiddle, scrap some vit my
+vife, and get myself breakfast. You be lays round all day and haf blenty
+of fun. I haf to vork all day and have blenty of drubble. Ven you die,
+you vas dead; ven I die, I haf to go somewhere again."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Some persons are born to have honor thrust upon them, and such is
+obviously the case of the actor named in this story.
+
+The colored maid of an actress took out for exercise her mistress's dog,
+a splendid St. Bernard. A passer-by admired the animal, and inquired as
+to the breed. The maid said:
+
+"I doan jes' zactly know mahself, but I dun hear my missis say he am a
+full-blood Sam Bernard."
+
+
+DOMESTIC QUARRELS
+
+After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her colored washerwoman:
+
+"Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel now the same as you used to?"
+
+"No, indeed, ma'am," was the reply.
+
+"That is good. I'm sure you're very glad of it, aren't you?"
+
+"Ah sho'ly is."
+
+"What caused you to stop quarreling, Lucy?" the lady asked.
+
+The explanation was simple and sufficient:
+
+"He died."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The newly married pair quarreled seriously, so that the wife in a
+passion finally declared:
+
+"I'm going home to my mother!"
+
+The husband maintained his calm in the face of this calamity, and drew
+out his pocketbook.
+
+"Here," he said, counting out some bills, "is the money for your
+railroad fare."
+
+The wife took it, and counted it in her turn. Then she faced her husband
+scornfully:
+
+"But that isn't enough for a return ticket."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The good wife, after she and her husband had retired for the night,
+discoursed for a long time with much eloquence. When she was interrupted
+by a snore from her spouse, she thumped the sleeper into wakefulness,
+and then remarked:
+
+"John, do you know what I think of a man who will go to sleep while his
+own wife is a-talkin' to him?"
+
+"Well, now, I believe as how I do, Martha," was the drowsily uttered
+response. "But don't let that stop you. Go right ahead, an' git it off
+your mind."
+
+
+DOUBT
+
+Small Jimmie discussed with his chief crony the minister's sermon which
+had dealt with the sheep and the goats.
+
+"Me," he concluded, "I don't know which I am. Mother calls me her lamb,
+and father calls me kid."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Ability to look on two sides of a question is usually a virtue, but it
+may degenerate into a vice. Thus, a visitor found his bachelor friend
+glumly studying an evening waistcoat. When inquiry was made, this
+explanation was forthcoming:
+
+"It's quite too soiled to wear, but really, it's not dirty enough to go
+to the laundry. I can't make up my mind just what I should do about it."
+
+
+DRAMA
+
+The new play was a failure. After the first act, many left the theatre;
+at the end of the second, most of the others started out. A cynical
+critic as he rose from his aisle seat raised a restraining hand.
+
+"Wait!" he commanded loudly. "Women and children first!"
+
+
+DREAMS
+
+The group of dwellers at the seaside was discussing the subject of
+dreams and their significance. During a pause, one of the party turned
+to a little girl who had sat listening intently, and asked:
+
+"Do you believe that dreams come true?"
+
+"Of course, they do," the child replied firmly. "Last night I dreamed
+that I went paddling--and I had!"
+
+
+DRESS
+
+"Oh, have you heard? Mrs. Blaunt died to-day while trying on a new
+dress."
+
+"How sad! What was it trimmed with?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The son of the house had been reading of an escaped lunatic.
+
+"How do they catch lunatics?" he asked.
+
+The father, who had just paid a number of bills, waxed sarcastic:
+
+"With enormous straw hats, with little bits of ones, with silks and
+laces and feathers and jewelry, and so on and so on."
+
+"I recall now," the mother spoke up, "I used to wear things of that sort
+until I married you."
+
+
+DRINK
+
+It was nine o'clock in the morning, but this particular passenger on the
+platform of the trolley car still wore a much crumpled evening suit.
+
+As the car swung swiftly around a curve this riotous liver was jolted
+off, and fell heavily on the cobble stones. The car stopped, and the
+conductor, running back, helped the unfortunate man to scramble to his
+feet. The bibulous passenger was severely shaken, but very dignified.
+
+"Collision?" he demanded.
+
+"No," the conductor answered.
+
+"Off the track?" was the second inquiry.
+
+"No," said the conductor again.
+
+"Well!" was the indignant rejoinder. "If I'd known that, I wouldn't have
+got off."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The very convivial gentleman left his club happy, but somewhat dazed. On
+his homeward journey, made tackingly, he ran against the vertical iron
+rods that formed a circle of protection for the trunk of a tree growing
+by the curb. He made a tour around the barrier four times, carefully
+holding to one rod until he had a firm grasp on the next. Then, at last,
+he halted and leaned despairingly against the rock to which he held, and
+called aloud for succor:
+
+"Hellup! hellup! Somebody let me out!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The highly inebriated individual halted before a solitary tree, and
+regarded it as intently as he could, with the result that he saw two
+trees. His attempt to pass between these resulted in a near-concussion
+of the brain. He reeled back, but presently sighted carefully, and tried
+again, with the like result. When this had happened a half-dozen times,
+the unhappy man lifted up his voice and wept.
+
+"Lost--Lost!" he sobbed. "Hopelessly lost in an impenetrable forest!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place
+overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred
+dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests. A
+disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that
+he was a professional rat-killer.
+
+"Get to work," the store-keeper urged.
+
+"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.
+
+When this had been provided:
+
+"Now give me a quart of whiskey."
+
+Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly:
+
+"Now show me the cellar."
+
+An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs
+and leaped into the store. His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he
+shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in
+air and shouted:
+
+"Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Two Southern gentlemen, who were of very convivial habits, chanced to
+meet on the street at nine o'clock in the morning after an evening's
+revel together. The major addressed the colonel with decorous solemnity:
+
+"Colonel, how do you feel, suh?"
+
+The colonel left nothing doubtful in the nature of his reply:
+
+"Major," he declared tartly, "I feel like thunder, suh, as any Southern
+gentleman should, suh, at this hour of the morning!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The old toper was asked if he had ever met a certain gentleman, also
+notorious for his bibulous habits.
+
+"Know him!" was the reply. "I should say I do! Why, I got him so drunk
+one night it took three hotel porters to put me to bed."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A farmer, who indulged in sprees, was observed in his Sunday clothes
+throwing five bushels of corn on the ear into the pen where he kept half
+a dozen hogs, and he was heard to mutter:
+
+"Thar, blast ye! if ye're prudent, that orter last ye."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A mouse chanced on a pool of whiskey that was the result of a raid by
+prohibition-enforcement agents. The mouse had had no previous
+acquaintance with liquor, but now, being thirsty, it took a sip of the
+strange fluid, and then retired into its hole to think. After some
+thought, it returned to the pool, and took a second sip of the whiskey.
+It then withdrew again to its hole, and thought. Presently, it issued
+and drew near the pool for the third time. Now, it took a big drink. Nor
+did it retreat to its hole. Instead, it climbed on a soap box, stood on
+its hind legs, bristled its whiskers, and squeaked:
+
+"Now, bring on your cat!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The owner of a hunting lodge in Scotland presented his gamekeeper with a
+fur cap, of the sort having ear flaps. When at the lodge the following
+year, the gentleman asked the gamekeeper how he liked the cap. The old
+man shook his head dolefully.
+
+"I've nae worn it since the accident."
+
+"What accident was that?" his employer demanded. "I've heard of none."
+
+"A mon offered me a dram, and I heard naething of it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The old farmer was driving home from town, after having imbibed rather
+freely. In descending a hill, the horse stumbled and fell, and either
+could not, or would not, get to its feet again. At last, the farmer
+spoke savagely:
+
+"Dang yer hide, git up thar--or I'll drive smack over ye!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Mrs. Smith addressed her neighbor, whose husband was notoriously brutal,
+and she spoke with a purr that was catty:
+
+"You know, my dear, my husband is so indulgent!"
+
+And the other woman retorted, quite as purringly:
+
+"Oh, everybody knows that. What a pity he sometimes indulges too much!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+In the days before prohibition, a bibulous person issued from a saloon
+in a state of melancholy intoxication, and outside the door he
+encountered a teetotaler friend.
+
+The friend exclaimed mournfully:
+
+"Oh, John, I am so sorry to see you come out of such a place as that!"
+
+The bibulous one wept sympathetically.
+
+"Then," he declared huskily, "I'll go right back!" And he did.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+When the Kentucky colonel was in the North, some one asked him if the
+Kentuckians were in fact very bibulous.
+
+"No, suh," the colonel declared. "I don't reckon they're mo' than a
+dozen Bibles in the whole state."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The Irish gentleman encountered the lady who had been ill, and made
+gallant inquiries.
+
+"I almost died," she explained. "I had ptomaine-poisoning."
+
+"And is it so?" the Irishman gushed. And he added in a burst of
+confidence: "What with that, ma'am, and delirium tremens, a body these
+days don't know what he dare eat or drink."
+
+
+DRUGGED
+
+The police physician was called to examine an unconscious prisoner, who
+had been arrested and brought to the station-house for drunkenness.
+After a short examination, the physician addressed the policeman who had
+made the arrest.
+
+"This fellow is not suffering from the effects of alcohol. He has been
+drugged."
+
+The policeman was greatly disturbed, and spoke falteringly:
+
+"I'm thinkin', ye're right, sor. I drugged him all the way to the
+station."
+
+
+DUTY
+
+The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed
+to the conductor:
+
+"Can't you go any faster than this?"
+
+"Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."
+
+
+EASY LIVING
+
+The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow, discoursed
+eloquently of conditions in his home state. He concluded in a burst of
+feeling:
+
+"In that smiling land, suh, no gentleman is compelled to soil his hands
+with vulgar work. The preparing of the soil for the crops is done by our
+niggers, suh, and the sowing of the crops, and the reaping of the
+crops--all done by the niggers.... And the selling is done by the
+sheriff."
+
+
+ECONOMY
+
+One Japanese bragged to another that he made a fan last twenty years by
+opening only a fourth section, and using this for five years, then the
+next section, and so on.
+
+The other Japanese registered scorn.
+
+"Wasteful!" he ejaculated. "I was better taught. I make a fan last a
+lifetime. I open it wide, and hold it under my nose quite motionless.
+Then I wave my head."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Wife:--"Women are not extravagant. A woman can dress smartly on a sum
+that would keep a man looking shabby."
+
+Husband:--"That's right. What you dress on keeps me looking shabby."
+
+
+EFFICIENCY
+
+In these days of difficulty in securing domestic servants, mistresses
+will accept almost any sort of help, but there are limits. A woman
+interrogated a husky girl in an employment office, who was a recent
+importation from Lapland. The dialogue was as follows:
+
+"Can you do fancy cooking?"
+
+"Naw."
+
+"Can you do plain cooking?"
+
+"Naw."
+
+"Can you sew?"
+
+"Naw."
+
+"Can you do general housework?"
+
+"Naw."
+
+"Make the beds, wash the dishes?"
+
+"Naw."
+
+"Well," cried the woman in puzzled exasperation, "what can you do?"
+
+"I milk reindeer."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The undertaker regarded the deceased in the coffin with severe
+disapproval, for the wig persisted in slipping back and revealing a
+perfectly bald pate. He addressed the widow in that cheerfully
+melancholy tone which is characteristic of undertakers during their
+professional public performance.
+
+"Have you any glue?"
+
+The widow wiped her eyes perfunctorily, and said that she had.
+
+"Shall I heat it?" she asked. The undertaker nodded gloomily, and the
+relic departed on her errand. Presently, she returned with the glue-pot.
+
+But the undertaker shook his head, and regarded her with the gently sad
+smile to which undertakers are addicted, as he whispered solemnly:
+
+"I found a tack."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An engineer, who was engaged on railroad construction in Central
+America, explained to one of the natives living alongside the right of
+way the advantages that would come from realization of the projected
+line. To illustrate his point, he put the question:
+
+"How long does it take you to carry your produce to market by muleback?"
+
+"Three days, _señor_," was the answer.
+
+"Then," said the engineer, "you can understand the benefit the road will
+be to you. You will be able to take your produce to market, and to
+return home on the same day."
+
+"Very good, _señor_," the native agreed courteously.
+
+"But, _señor_, what shall we do with the other two days?"
+
+
+EGGS
+
+The farmer decided to give special attention to the development of his
+poultry yard, and he undertook the work carefully and systematically.
+His hired man, who had been with him for a number of years, was
+instructed, among other things, to write on each egg the date laid and
+the breed of the hen. After a month, the hired man resigned.
+
+"I can't understand," the farmer declared, surprised and pained, "why
+you should want to leave."
+
+"I'm through," the hired man asserted. "I've done the nastiest jobs, an'
+never kicked. But I draw the line on bein' secretary to a bunch o'
+hens."
+
+
+EGOTISM
+
+The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend:
+
+"It is only to me that such misfortunes happen."
+
+"What's the matter now?"
+
+The pessimist answered dolefully:
+
+"Don't you see that it is raining?"
+
+
+ELEPHANT
+
+A circus man was scouring the countryside in search of an elephant that
+had escaped from the menagerie and wandered off. He inquired of an
+Irishman working in a field to learn if the fellow had seen any strange
+animal thereabouts.
+
+"Begorra, Oi hev thot!" was the vigorous answer. "There was an
+inju-rubber bull around here, pullin' carrots with its tail."
+
+
+ELOPEMENT
+
+Some months after the elopement, an old friend met the bridegroom, and
+asked eagerly for details.
+
+"What about her father? Did he catch you?"
+
+"Just that!" quoth the bridegroom grimly. "Incidentally, I may add that
+the old boy is living with us still."
+
+
+ENOUGH
+
+The darky's clothes were in the last stages of dilapidation, and he wore
+open work shoes, but his face was radiant, and he whistled merrily as he
+slouched along the street. A householder called from his porch:
+
+"Sam, I have a job for you, if you want to earn a quarter."
+
+The tattered colored man grinned happily as he shook his head.
+
+"No, suh, thank yoh all de same, boss--I done got a quarter."
+
+
+EPITAPH
+
+In an Irish cemetery stands a handsome monument with an inscription
+which runs thus:
+
+"This monument is erected to the memory of James O'Flinn, who was
+accidentally shot by his brother as a mark of affection."
+
+
+EVIDENCE
+
+The prisoner, a darky, explained how it came about that he had been
+arrested for chicken-stealing:
+
+"I didn't hab no trouble wiv de constable ner nobody. It would ab been
+all right if it hadn't been fer the women's love o' dress. My women
+folks, dey wasn't satisfied jes' to eat mos' all o' them chickens. Dey
+had to put de feathers in der hats, an' parade 'em as circumstantial
+evidence."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The smug satisfaction of the rustic in his clear perception and shrewd
+reasoning is illustrated by the dialogue between two farmers meeting on
+the road.
+
+"Did you hear that old man Jones's house burned down last night?"
+
+"I ain't a mite surprised. I was goin' past there in the evenin', an'
+when I saw the smoke a-comin' out all round under the eaves, I sez to
+myself, sez I, 'Where there's smoke there must be fire.' An' so it was!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Shall I leave the hall light burning, ma'am?" the servant asked.
+
+"No," her mistress replied. "I think my husband won't get home until
+daylight. He kissed me goodbye before he went, and gave me twenty
+dollars for a new hat."
+
+
+EXCLUSIVENESS
+
+One of the New York churches is notorious for its exclusiveness. A
+colored man took a fancy to the church, and promptly told the minister
+that he wished to join. The clergyman sought to evade the issue by
+suggesting to the man that he reflect more carefully on the matter, and
+make it the subject of prayers for guidance. The following day, the
+darky encountered the minister.
+
+"Ah done prayed, sah," he declared, beaming, "an' de Lawd he done sent
+me an answer las' night."
+
+"And what was it?" queried the clergyman, somewhat at a loss. "What did
+the Lord say?"
+
+"Well, sah, He done axed me what chu'ch Ah wanted to jine, an' Ah tole
+Him it was yourn. An' He says: 'Ho, ho, dat chu'ch!' says he. 'You can't
+git in dere. Ah know you can't--'cause Ah been tryin' to git in dat
+chu'ch fer ten years mahself an' Ah couldn't!'"
+
+
+EXPECTANCY
+
+An Irishman on a scaffolding four stories high heard the noon whistle.
+But when he would have descended, he found that the ladder had been
+removed. One of his fellow workmen on the pavement below, to whom he
+called, explained that the foreman had carried off the ladder for
+another job.
+
+"But how'll I get down?" Pat demanded.
+
+Mike, on the pavement, suggested jumping as the only means. Pat's lunch
+was below, he was hungry, and he accepted the suggestion seriously.
+
+"Will yez kitch me?" he demanded.
+
+"Sure, an' I'll do that," Mike agreed.
+
+Pat clapped his arms in imitation of a rooster, and crowed, to bolster
+up his courage, and leaped. He regained consciousness after a short
+interval, and feebly sat up on the pavement. He regarded Mike
+reproachfully.
+
+"For why did yez not kitch me?" he asked, and the pain in bones sounded
+in his voice.
+
+"Begorry," Mike replied sympathetically, "I was waiting for yez to
+bounce!"
+
+
+EXPENSE ACCOUNT
+
+The woman wrote a reference for her discharged cook as follows:
+
+"Maggie Flynn has been employed by me for a month. She is an excellent
+cook, but I could not afford to make use of her services longer."
+
+The husband, who was present, afterward expressed his surprise at the
+final clause.
+
+"But it's true," the wife answered. "The dishes she smashed cost double
+her wages."
+
+
+EXPERIENCE
+
+The baby pulled brother's hair until he yelled from the pain of it. The
+mother soothed the weeping boy:
+
+"Of course, she doesn't know how badly it hurts." Then she left the
+room.
+
+She hurried back presently on hearing frantic squalling from baby.
+
+"What in the world is the matter with her?" she questioned anxiously.
+
+"Nothin' 'tall," brother replied contentedly. "Only now she knows."
+
+
+EXPERTS
+
+There was a chicken-stealing case before the court. The colored culprit
+pleaded guilty and was duly sentenced. But the circumstances of the case
+had provoked the curiosity of the judge, so that he questioned the darky
+as to how he had managed to take those chickens and carry them off from
+right under the window of the owner's house, and that with a savage dog
+loose in the yard. But the thief was not minded to explain. He said:
+
+"Hit wouldn't be of no use, jedge, to try to 'splain dis ting to
+you-all. Ef you was to try it you more'n like as not would git yer hide
+full o' shot an' git no chickens, nuther. Ef you want to engage in any
+rascality, jedge, you better stick to de bench, whar you am familiar."
+
+
+EXPLICITNESS
+
+On her return home after an absence of a few hours, the mother was
+displeased to find that little Emma, who was ailing, had not taken her
+pill at the appointed time, although she had been carefully directed to
+do so.
+
+"You were very naughty, Emma," the mother chided. "I told you to be sure
+and take that pill."
+
+"But, mamma," the child pleaded in extenuation, "you didn't tell me
+where to take it to."
+
+
+EXTRAVAGANCE
+
+A rich and listless lady patron examined the handbags in a leading
+jeweler's shop in New York City. The clerk exhibited one bag five inches
+square, made of platinum and with one side almost covered with a setting
+of diamonds. This was offered at a price of $9,000.
+
+But the lady surveyed the expensive bauble without enthusiasm. She
+turned it from side to side and over and over, regarding it with a
+critical eye and frowning disapprovingly. At last she voiced her
+comment:
+
+"Rather pretty, but I don't like this side without diamonds. Honestly,
+the thing looks skimpy--decidedly skimpy!"
+
+For $7,000 additional, the objectional skimpiness was corrected.
+
+
+FACTS
+
+The burly man spoke lucidly to his gangling adversary:
+
+"You're a nincompoop, a liar and hoss-thief."
+
+The other man protested, with a whine in his voice:
+
+"Sech talk ain't nice--and, anyhow, 'tain't fair twittin' on facts."
+
+
+FASHION
+
+After years of endeavor in poverty, the inventor made a success, and
+came running home with pockets bulging real money. He joyously strewed
+thousand-dollar bills in his wife's lap, crying:
+
+"Now, at last, my dear, you will be able to buy you some decent
+clothes."
+
+"I'll do nothing of the kind," was the sharp retort. "I'll get the same
+kind the other women are wearing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+
+     "The naked hills lie wanton to the breeze,
+       "The fields are nude, the groves unfrocked,
+     "Bare are the shivering limbs of shameless trees,
+       "What wonder is it that the corn is shocked?"
+
+       But not the modern woman!
+
+
+
+FAVORS
+
+At the village store, the young farmer complained bitterly.
+
+"Old Si Durfee wants me to be one of the pall-bearers once more at his
+wife's funeral. An' it's like this. Si had me fer pall-bearer when his
+first wife was buried. An' then agin fer his second. An' when Eliza
+died, she as was his third, he up an' axed me agin. An' now, I snum,
+it's the fourth time. An' ye know, a feller can't be the hull time
+a-takin' favors, an' not payin' 'em back."
+
+
+FIGHTING
+
+The boy hurried home to his father with an announcement:
+
+"Me and Joe Peck had a fight to-day."
+
+The father nodded gravely.
+
+"Mr. Peck has already called to see me about it."
+
+The little boy's face brightened.
+
+"Gee, pop! I hope you made out 's well 's I did!"
+
+
+FINANCE
+
+A very black little girl made her way into the presence of the lady of
+the house, and with much embarrassment, but very clearly, explained who
+she was, and what her mission:
+
+"Please, mum, I'se Ophelia. I'se de washerwoman's little girl, an' mama,
+she sent me to say, would you please to len' her a dime. She got to pay
+some bills."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The successful financier snorted contemptuously.
+
+"Money! pooh! there are a million ways of making money."
+
+"But only one honest way," a listener declared.
+
+"What way is that?" the financier demanded.
+
+"Naturally, you wouldn't know," was the answer.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The eminent financier was discoursing.
+
+"The true secret of success," he said, "is to find out what the people
+want."
+
+"And the next thing," someone suggested, "is to give it to them."
+
+The financier shook his head contemptuously.
+
+"No--to corner it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The eminent banker explained just how he started in business:
+
+"I had nothing to do, and I rented an empty store, and put up a sign,
+_Bank_. As soon as I opened for business, a man dropped in, and made a
+deposit of two hundred dollars. The next day another man dropped in and
+deposited three hundred dollars. And so, sir, the third day, my
+confidence in the enterprise reached such a point that I put in fifty
+dollars of my own money."
+
+
+FINANCIERS
+
+"My pa, he's a financier," boasted one small boy to another.
+
+"'Tain't much to brag of," the other sneered. "My pa an' uncle Jack are
+in jail, too."
+
+
+FISHING
+
+The congressman from California was telling at dinner in the hotel of
+tuna fishing.
+
+"Just run out in a small motor boat," he explained, "and anything less
+than a hundred pounds is poor sport."
+
+The colored waiter was so excited that he interrupted:
+
+"You say you go after hundred-pound fish in a little motor boat, suh?"
+
+The congressman nodded.
+
+"But," the darky protested, "ain't you scairt fer fear you'll ketch
+one?"
+
+
+FLATTERY
+
+An eminent statesman was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the
+car struck and killed a dog that leaped in front of it. At the
+statesman's order, the chauffeur stopped the car, and the great man got
+out and hurried back to where a woman was standing by the remains. The
+dead dog's mistress was deeply grieved, and more deeply angered. As the
+statesman attempted to address her placatingly, she turned on him
+wrathfully, and told him just what she thought, which was considerable
+and by no means agreeable. When, at last, she paused for breath, the
+culprit tried again to soothe her, saying:
+
+"Madam, I shall be glad to replace your dog."
+
+The woman drew herself up haughtily, surveyed the statesman with supreme
+scorn, and hissed:
+
+"Sir, you flatter yourself!"
+
+
+FLEAS
+
+The debutante was alarmed over the prospect of being taken in to dinner
+by the distinguished statesman.
+
+"Whatever can we talk about?" she demanded anxiously of her mother.
+
+Afterward, in the drawing-room, she came to her mother with a radiant
+smile.
+
+"He's fine," she exclaimed. "We weren't half way through the soup before
+we were chatting cozily about the fleas in Italian hotels."
+
+
+FLIRTATION
+
+The gentleman at the party, who was old enough to know better, turned to
+another guest, who had just paused beside him:
+
+"Women are fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She was smiling
+at me flirtatiously a few minutes ago and now she looks cold as an
+iceberg."
+
+"I have only just arrived," the other man said. "She is my wife."
+
+
+FLOOD
+
+The breakfaster in the cheap restaurant tried to make conversation with
+the man beside him at the counter.
+
+"Awful rainy spell--like the flood."
+
+"The flood?" The tone was polite, but inquiring.
+
+"_The_ flood--Noah, the Ark, Mount Ararat."
+
+The other bit off half a slice of bread, shook his head, and mumbled
+thickly:
+
+"Hain't read to-day's paper yit."
+
+
+FLOWERS
+
+Gilbert wrote a couplet concerning--
+
+
+     "An attachment _à la_ Plato
+     For a bashful young potato."
+
+
+Such suggestion is all very well in a humorous ballad, but we do not
+look for anything of the sort in a serious romance of real life.
+Nevertheless, a Welsh newspaper of recent date carried the following
+paragraph:
+
+"At ---- Church, on Monday last, a very interesting wedding was
+solemnized, the contracting parties being Mr. Richard ----, eldest son
+of Mr. and Mrs. ----, and a bouquet of pink carnations."
+
+
+FOG
+
+The old gentleman was lost in a London fog, so thick that he could
+hardly see his hand before his face. He became seriously alarmed when he
+found himself in a slimy alley. Then he heard footsteps approaching
+through the obscurity, and sighed with relief.
+
+"Where am I going to?" he cried anxiously.
+
+A voice replied weirdly from the darkness beyond:
+
+"Into the river--I've just come out!"
+
+
+FOLLIES
+
+A wise old Quaker woman once said that men were guilty of three most
+astonishing follies. The first was the climbing of trees to shake down
+the fruit, when if they would but wait, the fruit would fall of itself.
+The second was the going to war to kill one another, when if they would
+only wait, they must surely die naturally. The third was that they
+should run after women, when, if they did not do so, the women would
+surely run after them.
+
+
+FOOD
+
+The Arctic explorer at a reception on his return gave an informal talk
+concerning his experiences. He explained that a point further north
+would have been reached, if the dogs had not given out at a critical
+time.
+
+A lady, who had followed the explorer's remarks carefully, ventured a
+comment as the speaker paused:
+
+"But I thought those Esquimaux dogs were actually tireless."
+
+The explorer hesitated, and cleared his throat before answering.
+
+"I spoke," he elucidated, "in a--er--culinary sense."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young mother asked the man who supplied her with milk if he kept any
+calves, and smiled pleasedly when he said that he did.
+
+"Then," she continued brightly, "bring me a pint of calf's milk every
+day. I think cow's milk is too strong for baby."
+
+
+FOREHANDEDNESS
+
+The highly efficient housewife bragged that she always rose early, and
+had every bed in the house made before anybody else in the house was up.
+
+
+FORESIGHT
+
+The master directed that the picture should be hung on the east wall;
+the mistress preferred the west wall.
+
+The servant drove the nail where his master directed, but when he was
+left alone in the room he drove a nail in the other wall.
+
+"That," he said to himself, "will save my lugging the steps up here
+again to-morrow, when he has come around to agreeing with her."
+
+
+FORGETFULNESS
+
+The foreman of a Southern mill, who was much troubled by the
+shiftlessness of his colored workers, called sharply to two of the men
+slouching past him.
+
+"Hi, you! where are you going?"
+
+"Well, suh, boss," one of them answered, "we is goin' to de mill wid
+dis-heah plank."
+
+"Plank? What plank? Where's the plank?" the foreman demanded.
+
+The colored spokesman looked inquiringly and somewhat surprisedly at his
+own empty hands and those of his companion, whom he addressed
+good-naturedly:
+
+"Now, if dat don't beat all, George! If we hain't gone an' clean
+forgitted dat plank!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Two men met on the city street in the evening, and had a number of
+drinks together. The one who lived in the suburbs became confidential,
+and exhibited a string tied around a finger.
+
+"I don't dare to go home," he explained. "There's something my wife told
+me to do, without fail, and to make sure I wouldn't forget, she tied
+that string around my finger. But for the life of me I can't remember
+what the thing was I am to do. And I don't dare to go home!"
+
+A few days later the two men met again, this time in the afternoon.
+
+"Well," the one asked, "did you finally remember what that string was to
+remind you of?"
+
+The other showed great gloom in his expression, as he replied:
+
+"I didn't go home until the next night, just because I was scared, and
+then my wife told me what the string was for all right--she certainly
+did!" There was a note of pain in his voice. "The string was to remind
+me to be sure to come home early."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The clergyman drew near to the baptismal font, and directed that the
+candidates for baptism should now be presented. A woman in the
+congregation gave a gasp of dismay and turned to her husband, whom she
+addressed in a strenuous whisper:
+
+"There! I just knew we'd forget something. John, you run right home as
+fast as you can, and fetch the baby."
+
+
+FORM
+
+The traveler wrote an indignant letter to the officials of the railroad
+company, giving full details as to why he had sat up in the smoking-room
+all night, instead of sleeping in his berth. He received in reply a
+letter from the company, which was so courteous and logical that he was
+greatly soothed. His mood changed for the worse, however, when he
+happened to glance at his own letter, which had been enclosed through
+error. On the margin was jotted in pencil:
+
+"Send this guy the bed-bug letter."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A worker in the steel mills applied direct to Mr. Carnegie for a holiday
+in which to get married. The magnate inquired interestedly concerning
+the bride:
+
+"Is she tall or short, slender or plump?"
+
+The prospective bridegroom answered seriously:
+
+"Well, sir, I'm free to say, that if I'd had the rollin' of her, I sure
+would have given her three or four more passes."
+
+
+FRAUD
+
+The hired man on a New England farm went on his first trip to the city.
+He returned wearing a scarf pin set with at least four carats bulk of
+radiance. The jewelry dazzled the rural belles, and excited the envy of
+the other young men. His employer bluntly asked if it was a real
+diamond.
+
+"If it ain't," was the answer, "I was skun out o' half a dollar."
+
+
+FRIENDSHIP
+
+The kindly lady accosted the little boy on the beach, who stood with
+downcast head, and grinding his toes into the sand and looking very
+miserable and lonely indeed.
+
+"Haven't you anybody to play with?" she inquired sympathetically.
+
+The boy shook his head forlornly, as he explained:
+
+"I have one friend--but I hate him!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The clergyman on his vacation wrote a long letter concerning his
+traveling experiences to be circulated among the members of the
+congregation. The letter opened in this form:
+
+"Dear Friends:
+
+"I will not address you as ladies and gentlemen, because I know you so
+well."
+
+
+FRENCH
+
+An American tourist in France found that he had a two hours' wait for
+his train at a junction, and set out to explore the neighborhood. He
+discovered at last that he was lost, and could not find his way back to
+the station. He therefore addressed a passer-by in the best French he
+could recollect from his college days, mispronouncing it with great
+emphasis. He voiced his request for information as follows:
+
+"Pardonnez-moi. J'ai quitté ma train et maintenant je ne sais pas où le
+trouver encore. Est-ce que vous pouvez me montrer le route à la train?"
+
+"Let's look for it together," said the stranger genially. "I don't speak
+French, either."
+
+
+FUSSINESS
+
+The traveler in the Blue Ridge Mountains made his toilet as best he
+could with the aid of the hand basin on its bench by the cabin door and
+the roller towel. He made use of his own comb and brush, tooth-brush,
+nail-file and whiskbroom. The small son of the cabin regarded his
+operations with rounded eyes, and at last broke forth:
+
+"By cricky, mister, I wantta know! Be ye allus thet much trouble to
+yerself?"
+
+
+GENDER
+
+It is quite possible to trap clergymen, as well as laymen, with the
+following question, because they are not always learned in the Old
+Testament.
+
+"If David was the father of Solomon, and Joab was the son of Zeruiah,
+what relation was Zeruiah to Joab?"
+
+Most persons give the answer that Zeruiah was the father of Joab,
+necessarily. That is not the correct answer. The trouble is that Zeruiah
+was a woman. And, of course, David and Solomon having nothing whatever
+to do with the case.
+
+
+GENTLEMAN
+
+There has been much controversy for years as to the proper definition of
+the much abused word "gentleman." Finally, by a printer's error in
+prefixing _un_ to an adverb, an old and rather mushy description of a
+gentleman has been given a novel twist and a pithy point. A
+contributor's letter to a metropolitan daily appeared as follows:
+
+"Sir--I can recall no better description of a gentleman than this--
+
+"'A gentleman is one who never gives offense unintentionally.'"
+
+
+GEOGRAPHY
+
+The airman, after many hours of thick weather, had lost his bearings
+completely. Then it cleared and he was able to make a landing.
+Naturally, he was anxious to know in what part of the world he had
+arrived. He put the question to the group of rustics that had promptly
+assembled. The answer was explicit:
+
+"You've come down in Deacon Peck's north medder lot."
+
+
+GHOSTS
+
+There was a haunted house down South which was carefully avoided by all
+the superstitious negroes. But a new arrival in the community, named
+Sam, bragged of his bravery as too superior to be shaken by any ghosts,
+and declared that, for the small sum of two dollars cash in hand paid,
+he would pass the night alone in the haunted house. A score of other
+darkies contributed, and the required amount was raised. It was not,
+however, to be delivered to the courageous Sam until his reappearance
+after the vigil. With this understanding the boaster betook himself to
+the haunted house for the night.
+
+When a select committee sought for Sam next morning, no trace of him was
+found. Careful search for three days failed to discover the missing
+negro.
+
+But on the fourth day Sam entered the village street, covered with mud
+and evidently worn with fatigue.
+
+"Hi, dar, nigger!" one of the bystanders shouted. "Whar you-all been de
+las' foh days?"
+
+And Sam answered simply:
+
+"Ah's been comin' back."
+
+
+GOD
+
+The little boy was found by his mother with pencil and paper, making a
+sketch. When asked what he was doing, he answered promptly, and with
+considerable pride:
+
+"I'm drawing a picture of God."
+
+"But," gasped the shocked mother, "you cannot do that. No one has seen
+God. No one knows how God looks."
+
+"Well," the little boy replied, complacently, "when I get through they
+will."
+
+
+GOD'S WILL
+
+The clergyman was calling, when the youthful son and heir approached his
+mother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank in repugnance,
+he attempted to reassure her:
+
+"Oh, it's dead all right, mama. We beat it and beat it and beat it, and
+it's deader 'n dead."
+
+His eyes fell on the clergyman, and he felt that something more was due
+to that reverend presence. So he continued in a tone of solemnity:
+
+"Yes, we beat it and beat it until--until God called it home!"
+
+
+GOLF
+
+The eminent English Statesman Arbuthnot-Joyce plays golf so badly that
+he prefers a solitary round with only the caddy present. He had a new
+boy one day recently, and played as wretchedly as usual.
+
+"I fancy I play the worst game in the world," he confessed to the caddy.
+
+"Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir," was the consoling response. "From what
+the boys were saying about another gentleman who plays here, he must be
+worse even than you are."
+
+"What's his name?" asked the statesman hopefully.
+
+And the caddy replied:
+
+"Arbuthnot-Joyce."
+
+
+GRACE
+
+The son and heir had just been confirmed. At the dinner table, following
+the church service, the father called on his son to say grace. The boy
+was greatly embarrassed by the demand. Moreover, he was tired, not only
+from the excitement of the special service through which he had passed,
+but also from walking to and from the church, four miles away, and, too,
+he was very hungry indeed and impatient to begin the meal. Despite his
+protest, however, the father insisted.
+
+So, at last, the little man folded his hands with a pious air, closed
+his eyes tight, bent his head reverently, and spoke his prayer:
+
+"O Lord, have mercy on these victuals. Amen!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The new clergyman in the country parish, during his visit to an old lady
+of his flock, inquired if she accepted the doctrine of Falling from
+Grace. The good woman nodded vigorously.
+
+"Yes, sir," she declared with pious zeal, "I believe in it, and, praise
+the Lord! I practise it!"
+
+
+GRAMMAR
+
+The passing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman shouting from a
+window down the street was calling to the little girl minding baby
+brother close by on the curb.
+
+"Your mother is calling you," she said kindly.
+
+The little girl corrected the lady:
+
+"Her ain't a-callin' we. Us don't belong to she."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The teacher asked the little girl if she was going to the Maypole dance.
+"No, I ain't going," was the reply.
+
+The teacher corrected the child:
+
+"You must not say, 'I ain't going,' you must say, 'I am not going.'"
+And she added to impress the point: "I am not going. He is not going. We
+are not going. You are not going. They are not going. Now, dear, can you
+say all that?"
+
+The little girl nodded and smiled brightly.
+
+"Sure!" she replied. "They ain't nobody going."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The witness, in answer to the lawyer's question, said:
+
+"Them hain't the boots what was stole."
+
+The judge rebuked the witness sternly:
+
+"Speak grammatic, young man--speak grammatic! You shouldn't ought to
+say, 'them boots what was stole,' you should ought to say, 'them boots
+as was stealed.'"
+
+
+GRASS
+
+The auctioneer, offering the pasture lot for sale, waved his hand
+enthusiastically, pointed toward the rich expanse of herbage, and
+shouted:
+
+"Now, then, how much am I offered for this field? Jest look at that
+grass, gentlemen. That's exactly the sort of grass Nebuchadnezzar would
+have given two hundred dollars an acre for."
+
+
+GREED
+
+An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later,
+the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her
+realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could
+not be fully paid for, she continued:
+
+"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself
+have embroidered."
+
+The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the
+physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added:
+
+"Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."
+
+"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.
+
+"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.
+
+The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put
+back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her
+departure.
+
+
+GRIEF
+
+At the wake, the bereaved husband displayed all the evidences of frantic
+grief. He cried aloud heart-rendingly, and tore his hair. The other
+mourners had to restrain him from leaping into the open coffin.
+
+The next day, a friend who had been at the wake encountered the widower
+on the street and spoke sympathetically of the great woe displayed by
+the man.
+
+"Did you go to the cemetery for the burying?" the stricken husband
+inquired anxiously, and when he was answered in the negative, continued
+proudly: "It's a pity ye weren't there. Ye ought to have seen the way I
+cut up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The old woman in indigent circumstances was explaining to a visitor, who
+found her at breakfast, a long category of trials and tribulations.
+
+"And," she concluded, "this very morning, I woke up at four o'clock, and
+cried and cried till breakfast time, and as soon as I finish my tea I'll
+begin again, and probably keep it up all day."
+
+
+HABIT
+
+It was the bridegroom's third matrimonial undertaking, and the bride's
+second. When the clergyman on whom they had called for the ceremony
+entered the parlor, he found the couple comfortably seated. They made no
+effort to rise, so, as he opened the book to begin the service, he
+directed them, "Please, stand up."
+
+The bridegroom looked at the bride, and the bride stared back at him,
+and then both regarded the clergyman, while the man voiced their
+decision in a tone that was quite polite, but very firm:
+
+"We have ginerally sot."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+It is a matter of common knowledge that there have been troublous times
+in Ireland before those of the present. In the days of the Land League,
+an Irish Judge told as true of an experience while he was holding court
+in one of the turbulent sections. When the jury entered the court-room
+at the beginning of the session, the bailiff directed them to take their
+accustomed places.... And every man of them walked forward into the
+dock.
+
+
+HAIR
+
+The school girl from Avenue A, who had just learned that the notorious
+Gorgon sisters had snakes for hair, chewed her gum thoughtfully as she
+commented:
+
+"Tough luck to have to get out and grab a mess of snakes any time you
+want an extry puff."
+
+
+HARD TO PLEASE
+
+The rather ferocious-appearing husband who had taken his wife to the
+beach for a holiday scowled heavily at an amateur photographer, and
+rumbled in a threatening bass voice:
+
+"What the blazes d'ye mean, photographin' my wife? I saw ye when ye done
+it."
+
+The man addressed cringed, and replied placatingly:
+
+"You're mistaken, really! I wouldn't think of doing such a thing."
+
+"Ye wouldn't, eh?" the surly husband growled, still more savagely. "And
+why not? I'd like to know. She's the handsomest woman on the beach."
+
+
+HASTE
+
+The colored man was condemned to be hanged, and was awaiting the time
+set for execution in a Mississippi jail. Since all other efforts had
+failed him, he addressed a letter to the governor, with a plea for
+executive clemency. The opening paragraph left no doubt as to his
+urgent need:
+
+"Dear Boss: The white folks is got me in dis jail fixin' to hang me on
+Friday mornin' and here it is Wednesday already."
+
+
+HEARSAY
+
+The convicted feudist was working for a pardon. It was reported to him
+that the opposing clan was pulling wires against him, and spreading
+false reports concerning him. He thereupon wrote a brief missive to the
+governor:
+
+"Deer guvner, if youve heared wat ive heared youve heared youve heared a
+lie."
+
+
+HEAVEN
+
+The clergyman in the following story probably did not mean exactly what
+he said, though, human nature being what it is, maybe it was true
+enough.
+
+A parishioner meeting the parson in the street inquired:
+
+"When do you expect to see Deacon Jones again?"
+
+"Never, never again!" the minister declared solemnly. "The deacon is in
+heaven!"
+
+
+HELP
+
+The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who
+chanced along inquired:
+
+"How's that new hand o' your'n?"
+
+"Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply. "He ain't a hand--he's a sore
+thumb."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A savage old boar got into a garden, and was doing much damage. When two
+men tried to drive it out, the animal charged. One of the two climbed a
+tree, the other dodged, and laid hold on the boar's tail. He hung on
+desperately, and man and beast raced wildly round and round the tree.
+Finally, the man shouted between gasps:
+
+"For heaven's sake, Bill, climb down here, and help me leggo this ornery
+old hog!"
+
+
+HELPFULNESS
+
+Many a mayor is a friend to the people--just like his honor in the
+following story.
+
+A taxpayer entered the office of the water registrar in a small city,
+and explained himself and his business there as follows:
+
+"My name is O'Rafferty. And my cellar is full of wather, and my hins
+will all be drowned intirely if it ain't fixed. And I'm here to inform
+yez that I'm wantin' it fixed."
+
+It was explained to the complainant that the remedy for his need must be
+sought at the office of the mayor, and he therefore departed to
+interview that official.
+
+After an interval of a few days, O'Rafferty made a second visit to the
+office of the registrar.
+
+"Sure, and I've come agin to tell yez that my cellar is now fuller of
+water than ever it was before. And I'm tellin' yez that I want it fixed,
+and I'm a man that carries votes in my pocket."
+
+The registrar again explained that he was powerless in the matter, and
+that the only recourse must be to the mayor.
+
+"The mayor is ut!" O'Rafferty snorted. "Sure and didn't I see the mayor?
+I did thot! And what did the mayor say to me? Huh! he said, 'Mr.
+O'Rafferty, why don't you keep ducks?'"
+
+
+HEN
+
+The customer asked for fresh eggs, and the clerk in the London shop
+said:
+
+"Them are fresh which has a hen on 'em."
+
+"But I don't see any hen."
+
+The clerk explained patiently.
+
+"Not the fowl, mum, but the letter _hen_. _Hen_ stands for _noo-laid_."
+
+
+HEREAFTER
+
+This is the dialogue between a little girl and a little boy:
+
+"What are you bawling about, Jimmie?"
+
+"I'm cryin' because maw has wented to heaven."
+
+"That's silly. Maybe she hain't."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Little Alice questioned her mother concerning heaven, and seemed pleased
+to be assured that she would have wings and harp and crown.
+
+"And candy, too, mamma?"
+
+The mother shook her head.
+
+"Anyhow," Alice declared, "I'm tickled we have such a fine doctor."
+
+
+HEREDITY
+
+The woman, who had a turn-up nose and was somewhat self-conscious
+concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to
+excite the jealousy of her little daughter.
+
+"How do you like your new little brother?" she asked the child
+teasingly.
+
+The girl replied, rather maliciously, perhaps:
+
+"He looks just like his muvver."
+
+
+HIGH PRICES
+
+Two men were talking together in the Public Library. One of them said:
+
+"The dime novel has gone. I wonder where it's gone to?"
+
+The other, who knew something of literature in its various phases,
+answered cynically:
+
+"It's gone up to a dollar and ninety cents."
+
+
+HINDSIGHT
+
+Mike, the hod-carrier, was still somewhat fuddled when he arose Monday
+morning, with the result that he put on his overalls wrong side to; with
+the further result, that he was careless while mounting the ladder later
+with a load of bricks, and fell to the ground. As he raised himself into
+a sitting position, a fellow workman asked solicitously:
+
+"Are yez kilt intoirly, Mike?"
+
+Mike, with drooping head, stared down dully at the seat of his overalls,
+and shook his head.
+
+"No," he declared in a tone of awe, "I'm not kilt, but I'm terrible
+twisted."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A rustic visitor to the city made a desperate run for the ferry boat as
+it was leaving the slip. He made a mighty leap, and covered the
+intervening space, then fell sprawling to the deck, where he lay stunned
+for about two minutes. At last he sat up feebly, and stared dazedly over
+the wide expanse of water between boat and shore.
+
+"Holy hop-toads!" he exclaimed in a tone of profound awe. "What a jump!"
+
+
+HINTING
+
+A Kansas editor hit on the following gentle device for dunning
+delinquent subscribers to the paper:
+
+"There i$ a little matter that $ome of our $ub$criber$ have $eemingly
+forgotten entirely. $ome of them have made u$ many promi$e$, but have
+not kept them. To u$ it i$ a very important matter--it'$ nece$$ary in
+our bu$me$$. We are very mode$t and don't like to $peak about $uch
+remi$$ne$$."
+
+
+HISTORY
+
+The faculty were arranging the order of examinations. It was agreed that
+the harder subjects should be placed first in the list. It was proposed
+that history should have the final place. The woman teacher of that
+subject protested:
+
+"But it is certainly one of the easiest subjects," the head of the
+faculty declared.
+
+The young woman shook her head, and spoke firmly:
+
+"Not the way I teach it. Indeed, according to my method, it is a very
+difficult study, and most perplexing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Down in Virginia, near Yorktown, lived an aged negro whose proud boast
+was that he had been the body servant of George Washington. As he was
+very old indeed, no one could disprove his claims, and he made the most
+of his historical pretentions. He was full of anecdotes concerning the
+Father of His Country, and exploited himself in every tale. His favorite
+narrative was of the capture of Lord Cornwallis by his master, which was
+as follows:
+
+"Yassuh, it were right on dis yere road, jest over dar by de fo'ks.
+Gen'l Washin'ton, he knowed dat ole Co'nwallis, he gwine pass dis way,
+an' 'im an' me, we done hid behin' de bushes an' watched. Yassuh, an'
+when ole Co'nwallis, he come by, Gen'l Washin'ton, he jumped out at 'im,
+an' he grab 'im by de collah, an' he say, 'Yoh blame' ole rascal, dat de
+time what Ah done gone cotch ye!"
+
+
+HOGS
+
+The professor and his wife were doubtful about returning to the farm on
+which they had passed the previous summer, because they had been
+somewhat annoyed by the proximity of the pigsty to the house. Finally,
+the professor wrote to the farmer and explained the objectionable
+feature. He received the following reply:
+
+"We hain't had no hogs on the place since you was here last summer. Be
+sure to come."
+
+
+HOLDING HIS OWN
+
+The farmer, after seven years of effort on the stony farm, announced to
+all and sundry:
+
+"Anyhow, I'm holdin' my own. I hadn't nothin' when I come here, an' I
+haven't nothin' now."
+
+
+HOME BREW
+
+The young man had offered his heart and hand to the fair damsel.
+
+"Before giving you my decision," she said sweetly, "I wish to ask you a
+question." Then, as he nodded assent: "Do you drink anything?"
+
+The young man replied without an instant of hesitation and proudly:
+
+"Anything!"
+
+And she fell into his arms.
+
+
+HOMESICKNESS
+
+One of our volunteers in the late war lost some of his first enthusiasm
+under the bitter experience of campaigning. One night at the front in
+France, while his company was stationed in a wood, a lieutenant
+discovered the recruit sitting on a log and weeping bitterly. The
+officer spoke roughly:
+
+"Now, what are you bawling about, you big baby?"
+
+"I wish I was in my daddy's barn!" replied the soldier in a plaintive
+voice.
+
+"In your daddy's barn!" the astonished lieutenant exclaimed. "What for?
+What would you do if you were in your daddy's barn?"
+
+"If I was in my daddy's barn," the youth explained huskily through a
+choking sob, "I'd go into the house mighty quick!"
+
+
+HONEYMOON
+
+The newly married pair were stopping in a hotel. The bride left the
+groom in their room while she went out on a brief shopping expedition.
+She returned in due time, and passed along the hotel corridor to the
+door, on which she tapped daintily.
+
+"I'm back, honey--let me in," she murmured with wishful tenderness. But
+there was no answer vouchsafed to her plea. She knocked a little more
+firmly, and raised her voice somewhat to call again:
+
+"Honey, honey--it's Susie! Let me in!"
+
+Thereupon a very cold masculine voice sounded through the door:
+
+"Madam, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom!"
+
+
+HONORABLE INTENTIONS
+
+A certain man notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years to
+a young lady, without coming to the point. The girl's father thought it
+time for him to interfere. On the swain's next visit, the father
+interviewed him:
+
+"Clinton, you've been settin' up with Nellie, an' takin' her to picnics,
+an' to church an' buggy-ridin', an' nothin's come of it. So, now,
+Clinton, I ask you, as man to man, what be your intentions?"
+
+And Clinton responded unabashed:
+
+"Well, answerin' you as man to man, I'll say there hain't no cause for
+you to ruffle your shirt. My intentions is honorable--but remote."
+
+
+HOSPITAL
+
+Little Mary, who had fallen ill, begged for a kitten. It was found that
+an operation was necessary for the child's cure, and that she must go
+to the hospital. The mother promised that if she would be very brave
+during this time of trial she should have the very finest kitten to be
+found.
+
+As Mary was coming out from the influence of the anesthetic, the nurse
+heard her muttering, and stooping, heard these words:
+
+"It's a bum way to get a cat."
+
+
+HOSPITALITY
+
+The good wife apologized to her unexpected guests for serving the apple
+pie without cheese. The little boy of the family slipped quietly away
+from the table for a moment, and returned with a cube of cheese, which
+he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled in recognition of the
+lad's thoughtfulness, popped the cheese into his mouth, and then
+remarked:
+
+"You must have sharper eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find
+it?"
+
+The boy replied with a flush of pride:
+
+"In the rat-trap."
+
+
+HUMBUG
+
+Two boys once thought to play a trick on Charles Darwin. They took the
+body of a centipede, the wings of a butterfly, the legs of a grasshopper
+and the head of a beetle, and glued these together to form a weird
+monster. With the composite creature in a box, they visited Darwin.
+
+"Please, sir, will you tell us what sort of a bug this is?" the
+spokesman asked.
+
+The naturalist gave a short glance at the exhibit and a long glance at
+the boys.
+
+"Did it hum?" he inquired solemnly.
+
+The boys replied enthusiastically, in one voice:
+
+"Oh, yes, sir."
+
+"Well, then," Darwin declared, "it is a humbug."
+
+
+HUMIDITY
+
+The little boy had been warned repeatedly against playing on the lawn
+when it was damp. Saturday evening, his father heard him recite a
+Scripture verse learned for the Sunday school.
+
+"'Put off thy shoes from they feet, for the ground whereon thou standest
+is----'" He halted at a loss.
+
+"Is what, my boy?" asked the father.
+
+"Is damp."
+
+
+HUMILITY
+
+The slow suitor asked:
+
+"Elizabeth, would you like to have a puppy?"
+
+"Oh, Edward," the girl gushed, "how delightfully humble of you. Yes,
+dearest, I accept."
+
+
+HUNGER
+
+"That woman never turns away a hungry man."
+
+"Ah, genuinely charitable!"
+
+"Hardly that. She says, 'Are you so hungry you want to saw some wood for
+a dinner?' And the answer is, 'No.'"
+
+
+HUNTING
+
+An amateur sportsman spent the day with dog and gun, but brought home no
+game. A friend twitted him with his failure:
+
+"Didn't you shoot anything at all?"
+
+The honest fellow nodded miserably.
+
+"I shot my dog."
+
+"Why?" his questioner demanded. "Was he mad?"
+
+The sportsman shook his head doubtfully.
+
+"Not exactly mad," he asserted; "and not so darned tickled neither!"
+
+
+IDENTITY
+
+The paying teller told mournfully of his experience with a strange woman
+who appeared at his wicket to have a check cashed.
+
+"But, madam," he advised her, "you will have to get some one to
+introduce you before I can pay you the money on this check."
+
+The woman stared at him disdainfully.
+
+"Sir!" she said haughtily. "I wish you to understand that I am here
+strictly on business. I am not making a social call. I do not care to
+know you."
+
+
+IDIOMS
+
+The foreigner, who prided himself on his mastery of colloquial
+expressions in English, was speaking of the serious illness of a
+distinguished statesman.
+
+"It would be a great pity," he declared, "if such a splendid man should
+kick the ghost."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The old man told how his brother made a hazardous descent into a well by
+standing in the bucket while those above operated the windlass.
+
+"And what happened?" one of the listeners asked as the aged narrator
+paused.
+
+The old man stroked his beard, and spoke softly, in a tone of sorrowing
+reminiscence:
+
+"He kicked the bucket."
+
+
+ILLUSTRATION
+
+Pat was set to work with the circular saw during his first day at the
+saw mill. The foreman gave careful instructions how to guard against
+injury, but no sooner was his back turned than he heard a howl from the
+novice, and, on turning, he saw that Pat had already lost a finger.
+
+"Now, how did that happen?" the foreman demanded.
+
+"Sure," was the explanation, "I was jist doin' like this
+when,--bejabers, there's another gone!"
+
+
+IMPATIENCE
+
+An acquaintance encountered in the village inquired of Farmer Jones
+concerning his wife, who was seriously ill. That worthy scowled and
+spat, and finally answered in a tone of fretful dejection:
+
+"Seems like Elmiry's falin' drefful slow. Dinged if I don't wish as how
+she'd git well, or somethin'."
+
+
+IMPUDENCE
+
+The ice on the river was in perfect condition. A small boy, with his
+skates on his arm, knocked at the door of the Civil War veteran, who had
+lost a leg at Antietam. When the door was opened by the old man, the boy
+asked:
+
+"Are you going out to-day, sir?"
+
+"Well, no, I guess not, sonny," was the answer. "Why?"
+
+"If you ain't," the boy suggested, "I thought I might like to borrow
+your wooden leg to play hockey."
+
+
+INDIRECTION
+
+The bashful suitor finally nerved himself to the supreme effort:
+
+"Er--Jenny, do you--think--er--your mother might--er--seriously
+consider--er--becoming my--er-mother-in-law?"
+
+
+INHERITANCE
+
+A lawyer made his way to the edge of the excavation where a gang was
+working, and called the name of Timothy O'Toole.
+
+"Who's wantin' me?" inquired a heavy voice.
+
+"Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer asked, "did you come from Castlebar, County
+Mayo?"
+
+"I did that."
+
+"And your mother was named Bridget and your father Michael?"
+
+"They was."
+
+"It is my duty, then," said the lawyer, "to inform you, Mr. O'Toole,
+that your Aunt Mary has died in Iowa, leaving you an estate of sixty
+thousand dollars."
+
+There was a short silence below, and then a lively commotion.
+
+"Are you coming, Mr. O'Toole?" the lawyer called down.
+
+"In wan minute," was bellowed in answer. "I've just stopped to lick the
+foreman."
+
+It required just six months of extremely riotous living for O'Toole to
+expend all of the sixty thousand dollars. His chief endeavor was to
+satisfy a huge inherited thirst.
+
+Then he went back to his job. And there, presently, the lawyer sought
+him out again.
+
+"It's your Uncle Patrick, this time, Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer explained.
+"He has died in Texas, and left you forty thousand dollars."
+
+O'Toole leaned heavily on his pick, and shook his head in great
+weariness.
+
+"I don't think I can take it," he declared. "I'm not as strong as I
+wance was, and I misdoubt me that I could go through all that money and
+live."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+In a London theatre, a tragedy was being played. The aged king tottered
+to and fro on the stage as he declaimed:
+
+"On which one of my two sons shall I bestow the crown?"
+
+A voice came down from the gallery:
+
+"Hi saye, guv'nor, myke it 'arf a crown apiece."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Said one Tommy to another:
+
+"That's a snortin' pipe, Bill. Where'd you happen on it?"
+
+"It was pussonal property of a Boche what tried to take me prisoner,"
+was the answer. "Inherited it from him."
+
+
+INITIATIVE
+
+The sweet little girl had a violent tussle with her particular chum. Her
+mother reprimanded her, and concluded by saying:
+
+"It was Satan who suggested to you the pulling of Jenny's hair."
+
+"I shouldn't be surprised," the child replied musingly. "But," she added
+proudly, "kicking her in the shins was entirely my own idea."
+
+
+INJUSTICE
+
+The child sat by the road bawling loudly. A passer-by asked him what was
+the matter.
+
+"My ma, she's gone and drowned the kittens," the boy wailed.
+
+"Oh, isn't that too bad!" was the sympathetic response.
+
+The child bawled the louder.
+
+"An' ma she promised me that I could drown 'em."
+
+
+INNOCENCE
+
+A little girl four years old was alone in the nursery with the door
+closed and fastened when her little brother arrived and expressed a
+desire to come in. The following was the dialogue:
+
+"I wants to tum in, Sissy."
+
+"But you tan't tum in, Tom."
+
+"But I wants to."
+
+"Well, I'se in my nightie gown an' nurse says little boys mus'n't see
+little girls in their nightie gowns."
+
+There was a period of silence during which the astonished little boy
+reflected on the mystery. It was ended by Sissy's calling out:
+
+"You tan tum in now, Tom--I tooked it off."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The very young clergyman made his first parochial call. He tried to
+admire the baby, and asked how old it was.
+
+"Just ten weeks old," the proud mother replied.
+
+And the very young clergyman inquired interestedly:
+
+"And is it your youngest?"
+
+
+INQUISITIVENESS
+
+In the smoking car, one of the passengers had an empty coatsleeve. The
+sharer of his seat was of an inquisitive turn, and after a vain effort
+to restrain his curiosity, finally hemmed and hawed, and said:
+
+"I beg pardon, sir, but I see you've lost an arm."
+
+The one-armed man picked up the empty sleeve in his remaining hand, and
+felt of it with every evidence of astonishment.
+
+"Bless my soul!" he exclaimed. "I do believe you're right."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The curiosity of the passenger was excited by the fact that his seatmate
+had his right arm in a sling, and the following dialogue occurred:
+
+"You broke your arm, didn't you?"
+
+"Well, yes, I did."
+
+"Had an accident, I suppose?"
+
+"Not exactly. I did it in trying to pat myself on the back."
+
+"My land! On the back! Now, whatever did you want to pat yourself on the
+back for?"
+
+"Just for minding my own business."
+
+
+INSOMNIA
+
+The man suffering from insomnia quite often makes a mistake in calling
+the doctor, when what he needs is the preacher.
+
+
+INSULT
+
+The young wife greeted her husband tearfully on his return from the
+day's work.
+
+"Oh, Willie, darling," she gasped, "I have been so insulted!"
+
+"Insulted!" Willie exclaimed wrathfully. "Insulted by whom?"
+
+"By your mother!" the wife declared, and sobbed aloud.
+
+The husband was aghast, but inclined to be skeptical.
+
+"By my mother, Ella? Why, dearest, that's nonsense. She's a hundred
+miles away."
+
+"But she did," the wife insisted. "A letter came to you this morning,
+and it was addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, I opened
+it."
+
+"Oh, yes, of course," Willie agreed, without any enthusiasm.
+
+"And it was written to you all the whole way through, every word of it,
+except----"
+
+"Except what?"
+
+"Except the postscript," the wife flared. "That was the insult--that was
+to me." The tears flowed again. "It said: 'P. S.--Dear Ella, don't fail
+to give this letter to Willie. I want him to read it.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Tom Corwin was remarkable for the size of his mouth. He claimed that he
+had been insulted by a deacon of his church.
+
+"When I stood up in the class meeting, to relate my experience," Corwin
+explained, "and opened my mouth, the Deacon rose up in front and said,
+'Will some brother please close that window, and keep it closed!'"
+
+
+INSURANCE
+
+The woman at the insurance office inquired as to the costs, amounts
+paid, etc.
+
+"So," she concluded, "if I pay five dollars, you pay me a thousand if my
+house burns down. But do you ask questions about how the fire came to
+start?"
+
+"We make careful investigation, of course," the agent replied.
+
+The woman flounced toward the door disgustedly.
+
+"Just as I thought," she called over her shoulder. "I knew there was a
+catch in it."
+
+
+INTERMISSION
+
+During a lecture, Artemas Ward once startled the crowd of listeners by
+announcing a fifteen-minute intermission. After contemplating the
+audience for a few minutes, he relieved their bewilderment by saying:
+
+"Meanwhile, in order to pass the time, we will proceed with the
+lecture."
+
+
+INVENTORS
+
+The profiteer, skimming over the advertisements in his morning paper,
+looked across the damask and silver and cut glass at his wife, and
+remarked enviously:
+
+"These inventors make the money. Take cleaners, now, I'll bet that
+feller Vacuum has cleared millions."
+
+
+ITEMS
+
+The painter was required to render an itemized bill for his repairs on
+various pictures in a convent. The statement was as follows:
+
+
+     Corrected and renewed the Ten Commandments            6.00
+     Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a new ribbon
+       on his bonnet                                       3.06
+     Put a new tail on the rooster of St. Peter and
+       mended his bill                                     4.08
+     Put a new nose on St. John the Baptist and
+       straightened his eye                                2.06
+     Replumed and gilded the left wing of the Guardian
+       Angel                                               5.06
+     Washed the servant of the High Priest and put
+       carmine on his cheeks                               2.04
+     Renewed Heaven, adjusted ten stars, gilded the
+       sun and cleaned the moon                            8.02
+     Reanimated the flames of Purgatory and restored
+       some souls                                          3.06
+     Revived the flames of Hell, put a new tail on the
+       devil, mended his left hoof and did several odd
+       jobs for the damned                                 4.10
+     Put new spatter-dashes on the son of Tobias and
+       dressing on his sack                                2.00
+     Rebordered the robe of Herod and readjusted his
+       wig                                                 3.07
+     Cleaned the ears of Balaam's ass, and shod him        2.08
+     Put earrings in the ears of Sarah                     5.00
+     Put a new stone in David's sling, enlarged Goliath's
+       hand and extended his legs                          2.00
+     Decorated Noah's Ark                                  1.20
+     Mended the shirt of the Prodigal Son, and cleaned
+       the pigs                                            1.00
+                                                          -----
+                                                          53.83
+
+
+JOKES
+
+The joke maker's association had a feast. They exploited their humorous
+abilities, and all made merry, save one glum guest. At last, they
+insisted that this melancholy person should contribute to the
+entertainment. He consented, in response to much urging, to offer a
+conundrum:
+
+"What is the difference between me and a turkey?"
+
+When none could guess the answer, the glum individual explained:
+
+"I am alive. They stuff turkeys with chestnuts after they are dead."
+
+
+KINSHIP
+
+The urchin was highly excited, and well he might be when we consider his
+explanation:
+
+"They got twins up to sisters. One twin, he's a boy, an' one twin, she's
+a girl, an' so I'm a uncle an' a aunt."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The Southern lady interrogated her colored cook, Matilda, concerning a
+raid made on the chicken-house during the night.
+
+"You sleep right close to the chicken-house, Matilda, and it seems to me
+you must have heard the noise when those thieves were stealing the
+chickens."
+
+"Yes, ma'am," Matilda admitted, with an expression of grief on her dusky
+features. "I heerd de chickens holler, an' I heerd the voices ob de
+men."
+
+"Then why didn't you go out and stop them?" the mistress demanded.
+
+Matilda wept.
+
+"Case, ma'am," she exclaimed, "I know'd my old fadder was dar, an' I
+wouldn't hab him know I'se los' confidence in him foh all de chickens in
+de world. If I had gone out dar an' kotched him, it would have broke his
+ole heart, an', besides, he would hab made me tote de chickens home foh
+him."
+
+
+KISSES
+
+The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous condition, appealed to the
+clergyman in a loud whisper, at the close of the ceremony:
+
+"Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?"
+
+The clergyman might have replied:
+
+"Not yet, but soon."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young man addressed the old grouch:
+
+"When a fellow has taken a girl to a show, and fed her candy, and given
+her supper, and taken her home in a taxi, shouldn't she let a fellow
+kiss her good-night?"
+
+The old grouch snorted.
+
+"Humph! He's already done more than enough for her."
+
+
+KISSING
+
+The subject of kissing was debated with much earnestness for a half hour
+between the girl and her young man caller. The fellow insisted that it
+was always possible for a man to kiss a girl at will, whether she chose
+to permit it or not. The maiden was firm in maintaining that such was
+not the case. Finally, it was decided that the only solution of the
+question must be by a practical demonstration one way or the other. So,
+they tried it. They clinched, and the battle was on. After a lively
+tussle, they broke away. The girl had been kissed--ardently for a period
+of minutes. Her comment showed an undaunted spirit:
+
+"Oh, well, you really didn't win fair. My foot slipped.... Let's try it
+again."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The tiny boy fell down and bumped his head. His Uncle Bill picked the
+child up, with the remark:
+
+"Now I'll kiss it, and the pain will all be gone."
+
+The youngster recovered his smiles under the treatment, and then, as he
+was set down, addressed his uncle eagerly:
+
+"Come down in the kitchen--the cook has the toothache."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Some Scottish deacons were famous, if not notorious, for the readiness
+with which they could expound any passage of Scripture. It is recorded
+of a certain elder that as he read and commented on the thirty-fourth
+Psalm, he misread the sentence, "Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips
+from speaking guile." He carelessly read the last two words: "squeaking
+girls." But the astonishing phrase did not dismay him in the least, or
+cause him to hesitate in his exegesis. He expounded instantly and
+solemnly:
+
+"It is evident from this passage, my brethren, that the Scripture does
+not absolutely forbid kissing, but, as in Christianity everything is to
+be done decently and in order, we are here encouraged by this passage to
+choose rather those girls that take it quietly, in preference to those
+that squeak under the operation."
+
+
+LAUGHTER
+
+Josh Billings said:
+
+"Laff every time yu pheel tickled--and laff once in a while enny how."
+
+
+LAW
+
+The lawyer explained to the client his scale of prices:
+
+"I charge five dollars for advising you as to just what the law permits
+you to do. For giving you advice as to the way you can safely do what
+the law forbids, my minimum fee is one hundred dollars."
+
+
+LAWYERS
+
+There was a town jail, and there was a county jail. The fact was worth
+forty dollars to the lawyer who was approached by an old darky in behalf
+of a son languishing in duress. The lawyer surveyed the tattered client
+as he listened, and decided that he would be lucky to obtain a
+ten-dollar fee. He named that amount as necessary to secure the
+prisoner's release. Thereupon, the old colored man drew forth a large
+roll of bills, and peeled off a ten. The lawyer's greedy eyes popped.
+
+"What jail is your son in?" he inquired craftily.
+
+"In the county jail."
+
+"In the county jail!" was the exclamation in a tone of dismay. "That's
+bad--very bad. It will cost you at least fifty dollars."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Some physicians direct their patients to lie always on the right side,
+declaring that it is injurious to the health to lie on both sides. Yet,
+lawyers as a class enjoy good health.
+
+
+LEGERDEMAIN
+
+"What did you do last night?"
+
+"I went to a slight-of-hand performance. Called on Laura Sears, and
+offered her my hand, and she slighted it."
+
+
+LENT
+
+"Did you give up anything during Lent?" one man asked another.
+
+"Yes," was the reply, uttered with a heavy sigh. "I gave up fifty
+dollars for a new Easter bonnet."
+
+
+LIARS
+
+The World War has incited veterans of the Civil War to new reminiscences
+of old happenings. One of these is based on the fact that furloughs were
+especially difficult to obtain when the Union army was in front of
+Petersburg, Virginia. But a certain Irishman was resolved to get a
+furlough in spite of the ban. He went to the colonel's tent, and was
+permitted to enter. He saluted, and delivered himself thus:
+
+"Colonel, I've come to ax you to allow me the pleasure of a furlough for
+a visit home. I've been in the field now three years, an' never home yet
+to see me family. An' I jest had a letter from me wife wantin' av me to
+come home to see her an' the children."
+
+The colonel shook his head decisively.
+
+"No, Mike," he replied. "I'm sorry, but to tell the truth, I don't think
+you ought to go home. I've jest had a letter from your wife myself. She
+doesn't want you to come home. She writes me that you'd only get drunk,
+and disgrace her and the children. So you'd better stay right here until
+your term of service expires."
+
+"All right, sir," Mike answered, quite cheerfully. He saluted and went
+to the door of the tent. Then he faced about.
+
+"Colonel dear," he inquired in a wheedling voice, "would ye be after
+pardonin' me for a brief remark jist at this toime?"
+
+"Yes, certainly," the officer assented.
+
+"Ye won't git mad an' put me in the guard house for freein' me mind, so
+to spake?"
+
+"No, indeed! Say what you wish to."
+
+"Well, thin, Colonel darlint, I'm afther thinkin' thar are at the
+prisint moment in this tint two of the biggest liars in all the Army of
+the Potomic, an' sure I'm one av thim--I have no wife."
+
+
+LIES
+
+A certain famous preacher when preaching one Sunday in the summer time
+observed that many among the congregation ware drowsing. Suddenly, then,
+he paused, and afterward continued in a loud voice, relating an incident
+that had no connection whatever with his sermon. This was to the
+following effect:
+
+"I was once riding along a country road. I came to the house of a
+farmer, and halted to observe one of the most remarkable sights I have
+ever seen. There was a sow with a litter of ten little pigs. This sow
+and each of her offspring had a long curved horn growing out of the
+forehead between the ears."
+
+The clergyman again paused, and ran his eye over the congregation.
+Everybody was now wide-awake. He thereupon remarked:
+
+"Behold how strange! A few minutes since, when I was telling you the
+truth, you went to sleep. But now when you have heard a whopping lie,
+you are all wide-awake."
+
+
+LIGHTNING
+
+The woman was strong-minded, and she was religious, and she was also
+afflicted with a very feminine fear of thunder storms. She was
+delivering an address at a religious convention when a tempest suddenly
+broke with din of thunder and flare of lightning. Above the noise of the
+elements, her voice was heard in shrill supplication:
+
+"O Lord, take us under Thy protecting wings, for Thou knowest that
+feathers are splendid non-conductors."
+
+
+LISP
+
+The kindergarten teacher questioned her tiny pupil:
+
+"Do you know, Jennie, what a panther is?"
+
+"Yeth, ma'am," Jennie replied, beaming. "A panther ith a man who makes
+panth."
+
+
+LITERAL
+
+The class had been told by the teacher to write compositions in which
+they must not attempt any flights of fancy, but should only state what
+was really in them. The star production from this command was a
+composition written by a boy who was both sincere and painstaking. It
+ran as follows:
+
+"I shall not attempt any flites of fancy, but wright just what is really
+in me. In me there is my stommick, lungs, liver, two apples, two cakes
+and my dinner."
+
+
+LITERALNESS
+
+The visitor from the city stopped in at the general store of the
+village, and inquired:
+
+"Have you anything in the shape of automobile tires?"
+
+"Yep," the store-keeper answered briskly, "life-preservers, invalid
+cushions, funeral wreaths, doughnuts, an' sich."
+
+
+LOGIC
+
+The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before
+the gooseberry bush in the garden. She noted that his expression was
+both puzzled and distressed.
+
+"Why, what's the matter, little lamb?" she asked tenderly.
+
+"I'm finkin, muvver," the boy answered.
+
+"What about, little man?"
+
+"Have gooseberries any legs, muvver?"
+
+"Why, no! Of course not, dear."
+
+The perplexity passed from the little boy's face, but the expression of
+trouble deepened, as he spoke again:
+
+"Then, muvver, I fink I've swallowed a catapillar."
+
+
+LOQUACITY
+
+The two old Scotchmen played a round of seventeen holes without a word
+exchanged between them. As they came to the eighteenth green, Sandy
+surveyed the lie, and muttered:
+
+"Dormie."
+
+Quoth Tammas, with a snarl:
+
+"Chatter-r-rbox!"
+
+
+LOVE
+
+The philosopher calmly defined the exact difference between life and
+love:
+
+"Life is just one fool thing after another: love is just two fool things
+after each other."
+
+
+LOVE ME, LOVE ME NOT
+
+The little girl came in tears to her mother.
+
+"God doesn't love me," she sobbed.
+
+"Of course, God loves you," the mother declared. "How did you ever come
+to get such an idea?"
+
+"No," the child persisted, "He doesn't love me. I know--I tried Him with
+a daisy."
+
+
+LUCK
+
+The pessimist quoted from his own experience at poker in illustration of
+the general cussedness of things:
+
+"Frequent, I have sot in a poker game, and it sure is queer how things
+will turn out. I've sot hour after hour in them games, without ever
+takin' a pot. And then, 'long about four o'clock in the mornin', the
+luck'd turn--it'd take a turn for the worse."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the very
+expensive restaurant.
+
+"Just luck," the hungry man replied, sadly. "I happened to move that
+small piece of potato, and there it was!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The new reporter wrote his concluding paragraph concerning the murder as
+follows:
+
+"Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all of his money in the
+bank the day before. He lost practically nothing but his life."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The editor of the country paper went home to supper, smiling radiantly.
+
+"Have you had some good luck?" his wife questioned.
+
+"Luck! I should say so. Deacon Tracey, who hasn't paid his subscription
+for ten years, came in and stopped his paper."
+
+
+LUNACY
+
+The lunatic peered over the asylum wall, and saw a man fishing from the
+bank of the river that ran close by. It was raining hard, which cooled
+the fevered brow of the lunatic and enabled him to think with great
+clearness. In consequence, he called down to the drenched fisherman:
+
+"Caught anything?"
+
+The man on the bank looked up, and shook his head glumly.
+
+"How long you been there?" the lunatic next demanded.
+
+"Three hours," was the answer.
+
+The lunatic grinned hospitably, and called down an invitation:
+
+"Come inside!"
+
+
+LUXURY
+
+The retired colonel, who had seen forty years of active service, gave
+his body servant, long his orderly, explicit instructions:
+
+"Every morning, at five sharp, Sam, you are to wake me up, and say,
+'Time for the parade, sir.'
+
+"Then, I'll say, 'Damn the parade!' and turn over and go to sleep
+again."
+
+
+LYING
+
+The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring:
+
+"I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving
+town to-day for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the
+train and pay him the money."
+
+"You are excused," the judge announced in a very cold voice. "I don't
+want anybody on the jury who can lie like you."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The tender young mother detected her baby boy in a deliberate lie. With
+tears in her eyes, and a catch in her voice, she sought to impress upon
+him the enormity of his offense.
+
+"Do you know," she questioned severely, "what happens to little boys who
+tell falsehoods?"
+
+The culprit shook his head in great distress, and the mother explained
+carefully:
+
+"Why, a great big black man, with horns on his head and one eye in the
+center of his forehead, comes along and grabs the little boy who has
+told a falsehood, and flies with him up to the moon, and keeps him there
+sifting ashes all the rest of his life. You won't ever tell another
+falsehood, will you, darling? It's wicked!"
+
+Mother's baby boy regarded the speaker with round-eyed admiration.
+
+"Oh, ma," he gurgled, "what a whopper!"
+
+
+MAIDENS
+
+"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get
+married," said the languishing coquette to her most intimate confidante.
+
+"I'll tell you," came the catty answer, "if you'll tell me how many men
+you're going to marry."
+
+
+MAIDEN SPEECH
+
+The unhappy man explained the cause of his wretchedness:
+
+"I've never made a speech in my life. But last night at the dinner at
+the club they insisted on my making some remarks, and I got up, and
+began like this:
+
+"As I was sitting on my thought, a seat struck me."
+
+
+MANNERS
+
+It is told of Prince Herbert Bismarck that at a reception in the Royal
+Palace in Berlin he rudely jostled a high dignitary of the Italian
+church. In answer to the prelate's expression of annoyance, the Prince
+drew himself haughtily erect, and said, "I am Herbert Bismarck."
+
+"Ah," replied the churchman, "that fact is perhaps an apology;
+certainly, it is a complete explanation."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The tenderfoot in the Western town asked for coffee and rolls at the
+lunch counter. He was served by the waitress, and there was no saucer
+for the cup.
+
+"What about the saucer?" he asked.
+
+The girl explained:
+
+"We don't hand out saucers no more. We found, if we did, like's not,
+some low-brow would drift in an' drink out of the saucer, an' that ain't
+good fer trade. This here is a swell dump."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+After treading rather heavily on her foot, the man in the street car
+made humble apology to the woman. She listened in grim silence, and,
+when he had made an end, spoke very much to the point:
+
+"That's it! Walk all over a body's feet, an' then blat about how sorry
+you be. Well, I jest want you to understand that if I wasn't a puffick
+lady, I'd slap your dirty face!"
+
+
+MARKSMANSHIP
+
+During the Saturday night revels in a frontier town, the scrawniest and
+skinniest beanpole-type citizen got shot in the leg. The only doctor in
+the town had done celebrating and gone to bed. A posse of citizens
+pounded on the doctor's door, until he thrust his head out of a window.
+
+"Whazzamazzer?" he called down.
+
+"Comea-runnin', Doc. Joe Jinks's been shot."
+
+"Whereabouts shot?"
+
+"In the laig."
+
+"_Some_ shootin'!" And the doctor slammed the window shut.
+
+
+MARRIAGE
+
+Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The mild little husband was appealing to the court for protection from
+the large, bony belligerent and baleful female who was his wife.
+
+"Let us begin at the beginning," said the judge. "Where did you first
+meet this woman who has thus abused you?"
+
+The little man shuddered, and looked everywhere except at his wife as he
+replied:
+
+"I never did, so to say, meet up with her. She jest naturally overtook
+me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An African newspaper recently carried the following advertisement:
+
+
+                 _Wanted_
+     Small nicely furnished house, nice
+        locality, from August 1st, for
+        nearly married couple.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The solemn ceremony of marriage was being performed for the blushing
+young bride and the elderly gentleman who had been thrice widowed. There
+was a sound of loud sobs from the next room. The guests were startled,
+but a member of the bridegroom's family explained:
+
+"That's only our Jane. She always cries when Pa is gettin' married."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The mistress was annoyed by the repeated calls of a certain negro on her
+colored cook.
+
+"You told me," she protested to the cook, "that you had no man friends.
+But this fellow is in the kitchen all the time."
+
+"Dat nigger, he hain't no friend o' mine," the cook declared scornfully.
+"Him, he's jes' my 'usban'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Deacon Gibbs explained why he had at last decided to move into town in
+spite of the fact that he had always declared himself a lover of life in
+the country. But his explanation was clear and conclusive.
+
+"My third wife, Mirandy, she don't like the country, an' what Mirandy
+she don't like, I jist nacherly hev to hate."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The wife suggested to her husband that he should pay back to her the
+dollar he had borrowed the week before.
+
+"But," the husband protested indignantly, "I've already paid that dollar
+back to you twice! You can't expect me to pay it again!"
+
+"Oh, very well," the wife retorted with a contemptuous sniff, "never
+mind, since you are as mean as that."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The very youthful son of a henpecked father was in a gloomy mood,
+rebellious against the conditions of his life. He announced a desperate
+purpose:
+
+"I'm going to get married. I'm bossed by pa an ma, an' teacher, an' I
+ain't going to stan' for it. I'm going to get married right smack off. A
+married man ain't bossed by nobody 'cept his wife."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The woman was six feet tall and broad and brawny in proportion. The man
+was a short five feet, anemic and wobegone. The woman haled him before
+the justice of the peace with a demand that he marry her or go to jail.
+
+"Did you promise to marry this lady?" the justice asked.
+
+"Guilty, your honor," was the answer.
+
+The justice turned to the woman: "Are you determined to marry this man?"
+
+"I am!" she snapped.
+
+"Join hands," the justice commended. When they had done so he raised his
+own right hand impressively and spoke solemnly:
+
+"I pronounce you twain woman and husband."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A lady received a visit from a former maid three months after the girl
+had left to be married.
+
+"And how do you like being married?" the lady inquired.
+
+The bride replied with happy enthusiasm:
+
+"Oh, it's fine, ma'am--getting married is! Yes'm, it's fine! but, land's
+sake, ma'am," she added suddenly, "ain't it tedious!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The negro, after obtaining a marriage license, returned a week later to
+the bureau, and asked to have another name substituted for that of the
+lady.
+
+"I done changed mah mind," he announced. The clerk remarked that the
+change would cost him another dollar and a half for a new license.
+
+"Is that the law?" the colored man demanded in distress. The clerk
+nodded, and the applicant thought hard for a full minute:
+
+"Gee!" he said at last. "Never mind, boss, this ole one will do. There
+ain't a dollar and a half difference in them niggers no how."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The New England widower was speaking to a friend confidentially a week
+after the burial of his deceased helpmate.
+
+"I'm feelin' right pert," he admitted; "pearter'n I've felt afore in
+years. You see, she was a good wife. She was a good-lookin' woman, an'
+smart as they make 'em, an' a fine housekeeper, an' she always done her
+duty by me an' the children, an' she warn't sickly, an' I never hearn a
+cross word out o' her in all the thutty year we lived together. But
+dang it all! Somehow, I never did like Maria.... Yes, I'm feelin' pretty
+peart."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+There were elaborate preparations in colored society for a certain
+wedding. The prospective bride had been maid to a lady who met the girl
+on the street a week after the time set for the ceremony and inquired
+concerning it:
+
+"Did you have a big wedding, Martha?"
+
+"'Deed ah did, missus, 'deed ah did, de most splendiferous occasion ob
+de season."
+
+"Did you receive handsome presents?"
+
+"Yes'm, yes'm, de hull house was jes' crowded wiv de gifts."
+
+"And was your house nicely decorated?"
+
+"Yes'm, yes'm. An' everybody done wear der very best, look jes' lak a
+white-folks' weddin', yes'm."
+
+"And yourself, Martha, how did you look?"
+
+"Ah was sutinly some scrumptious, yes'm. Ah done wore mah white bridal
+dress an' orange blossoms, yes'm. Ah was some kid."
+
+"And the bridegroom, how did he appear?"
+
+"De bridegroom? Aw, dat triflin', low-down houn' dawg, he didn't show up
+at all, but we had a magnificious occasion wivout him, jes' de same!"
+
+
+MERIT
+
+Mrs. Rafferty stopped to address Mrs. Flannagan, who was standing at
+ease in the door of the tenement. She spoke with an air of fine pride:
+
+"I'm afther havin' a letter from me boy. He tells me that fer
+meritorious condooct, his sintince will be reduced six months."
+
+Mrs. Flannagan beamed appreciatively on hearing the glad tidings.
+
+"Sure, now, an' what a comfort it must be t' yez, havin' a son what does
+ye such credit."
+
+
+MILITARY DISCIPLINE
+
+The raw recruit was on sentry duty. He had a piece of pie, which he had
+brought from the canteen, and proceeded to enjoy it. Just then, the
+colonel happened along, and scowled at the sentry, who paid no attention
+to him whatever.
+
+"Do you know who I am?" the officer demanded.
+
+The sentry shook his head. "Mebby, the veterinarian, or the barber, or
+mebby the colonel himself." The sentry laughed loudly at his own wit.
+But he wiltered as the officer sternly declared his identity.
+
+"Oh good land!" the recruit cried out in consternation. "Please, hold
+this pie while I present arms."
+
+
+MISCELLANY
+
+It is related concerning a sofa, belonging to a man blessed (?) with
+seven daughters, all unmarried, which was sent to the upholsterer to be
+repaired, that, when taken apart, the following articles were
+discovered:
+
+Forty-seven hairpins, three mustache combs, nineteen suspender buttons,
+thirteen needles, eight cigarettes, four photographs, two hundred and
+seventeen pins, some grains of coffee, a number of cloves, twenty-seven
+cuff-buttons, six pocket-knives, fifteen poker-chips, a vial of
+homeopathic medicine for the nerves, thirty-four lumps of chewing-gum,
+fifty-nine toothpicks, twenty-eight matches, fourteen button-hooks, two
+switches, a transformation and two plates of false teeth, which
+apparently had bitten each other.
+
+
+MISTAKEN IDENTITY
+
+The raw Irishman was told by the farmer for whom he worked that the
+pumpkins in the corn patch were mule's eggs, which only needed someone
+to sit on them to hatch. Pat was ambitious to own a mule, and, selecting
+a large pumpkin, he sat on it industriously every moment he could steal
+from his work. Came a day when he grew impatient, and determined to
+hasten the hatching. He stamped on the pumpkin. As it broke open, a
+startled rabbit broke from its cover in an adjacent corn shock and
+scurried across the field. Pat chased it, shouting:
+
+"Hi, thar! Stop! don't yez know your own father?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The meek-looking gentleman arose hastily and offered his seat in the car
+to the self-assertive woman who had entered and glared at him. She gave
+him no thanks as she seated herself, but she spoke in a heavy voice that
+filled the whole car:
+
+"What are you standing up there for? Come here, and sit on my lap."
+
+The modest man turned scarlet as he huskily faltered:
+
+"I fear, madam, that I am not worthy of such an honor."
+
+"How dare you!" the woman boomed. "You know perfectly well I was
+speaking to my niece behind you."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The little man was perfectly harmless, but the lady sitting next to him
+in the car was a spinster, and suspicious of all males. So, since they
+were somewhat crowded on the seat, she pushed the umbrella between her
+knee and his and held it firmly as a barrier. A shower came up, and the
+woman when she left the car, put up the umbrella. As she did so, she
+perceived that the little man had followed her. She had guessed that he
+was a masher, now she knew it. She walked quickly down the side street,
+and the man pursued through the driving rain. She ran up the steps of
+her home, and rang the bell. When she heard the servant coming to the
+door, feeling herself safe at last, she faced about and addressed her
+pursuer angrily:
+
+"How dare you follow me! How dare you! What do you want, anyhow?"
+
+The drenched little man at the foot of the steps spoke pleadingly:
+
+"If you please, ma'am, I want my umbrella."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The traveling salesman instructed the porter that he must leave the
+train at Cleveland, where he was due at three o'clock in the morning. He
+explained that violence might be necessary because he did not wake
+easily. He emphasized his instructions with a generous tip.
+
+The drummer awoke at six in the morning, with Cleveland far behind. In
+a rage, he sought the porter. The colored man was in a highly disheveled
+state and his face was bruised badly. His eyes popped at sight of the
+furious traveling man, who allowed no opportunity for explanations or
+excuses. He did all the talking, and did it forcibly. When at last the
+outraged salesman went away, the porter shook his head dismally, and
+muttered:
+
+"Now, Ah shohly wonder who-all Ah done put off at Cleveland."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The assistant minister announced to the congregation that a special
+baptismal service would be held the following Sunday at three o'clock in
+the afternoon, and that any infants to receive the rite should be
+brought to the church at that time.
+
+The old clergyman, who was deaf, thought that his assistant was speaking
+of the new hymnals, and he added a bit of information:
+
+"Anyone not already provided can obtain them in the vestry for a dollar,
+or with red backs and speckled edges for one dollar and a half."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The child went with her mother on a visit in New Jersey. At bedtime, the
+little girl was nervous over the strangeness of her surroundings, but
+the mother comforted her, saying:
+
+"Remember, dear, God's angels are all about you."
+
+A little later, a cry from the child called the mother back into the
+room.
+
+"The angels are buzzing all around just dreadful, mama, and they bite!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The new clergyman was coming to call, and the mother gave Emma some
+instructions:
+
+"If he asks your name, say Emma Jane; if he asks how old you are, say
+you are eight years old; if he asks who made you, say God made me."
+
+It is a fact that the clergyman did ask just those three questions in
+that order, to the first two of which Emma replied correctly. But it is
+also a fact that when the minister propounded the third query, as to her
+origin, the child hesitated, and then said:
+
+"Mama did tell me the man's name, but I've gone and forgotten it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The editor of a country newspaper betook himself to a party at the house
+of a neighbor, where, only a few weeks earlier, a baby had been added to
+the family. On the editor's arrival at the house, he was met at the door
+by his hostess, a woman who suffered to some extent from deafness. After
+the usual exchange of greetings, the editor inquired concerning the
+health of the baby. The hostess had a severe cold, and she now
+misunderstood the visitor's inquiry concerning the baby, thinking that
+he was solicitous on her account. So she explained to the aghast editor
+who had asked about the baby that, although she usually had one every
+winter, this was the very worst one she had ever had, it kept her awake
+at night a great deal, and at first confined her to her bed. Having
+explained thus far, the good lady noticed the flabbergasted air of her
+guest. She continued sympathetically; saying that she could tell by his
+looks and the way he acted that he was going to have one just like hers.
+Then she insisted that, as a precautionary measure for the sake of his
+condition, he should come in out of the draft and sit down and stay
+quiet.
+
+
+MISMATED
+
+A Texas lad, lacking a team of horses or oxen or mules for his
+ploughing, engaged his sister to direct the plough, while he yoked
+himself to a steer for the pulling. The steer promptly ran away, and the
+lad had no choice but to run too. They came shortly into the village and
+went tearing down the street. And as he raced wildly, the young man
+shouted:
+
+"Here we come--darn our fool souls! Somebody head us off!"
+
+
+MIXED METAPHORS
+
+A babu, or native clerk, in India, who prided himself on his mastery of
+the English tongue and skill in its idioms, sent the following telegram
+in announcement of his mother's death:
+
+"Regret to announce that hand which rocked the cradle has kicked the
+bucket."
+
+
+MODESTY
+
+A British journalist, in an article on Sir Henry Irving for a London
+weekly wrote:
+
+"I was his guest regularly at all Lyceum first nights for a whole
+quarter of a century.... He delighted in the company of third-rate
+people."
+
+
+MONEY TALKS
+
+The disreputable-looking panhandler picked out an elderly gentleman of
+most benevolent aspect and made a plea for a small financial
+contribution. When he had finished his narrative of misery and woe the
+elderly gentleman replied benignantly:
+
+"My good friend, I have no money, but I can give you some good advice."
+
+The tramp spat contemptuously, and uttered an oath of disgust.
+
+"If you hain't got no money," he jeered, "I reckon your advice ain't
+worth hearin'."
+
+
+MONEY VALUE
+
+A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett Hale with other
+guests at a dinner. The host was not only hospitable, but wished every
+one to know his liberality. During the meal, he extolled the various
+viands, and did not hesitate to give their value in dollars and cents.
+In speaking of some very beautiful grapes served, which had been grown
+on his estate, he wearied the company by a careful calculation as to
+just how much a stem of them had cost him. Doctor Hale grinned
+pleasantly as he extended his empty plate, with the request:
+
+"I'll thank you to cut me off about $1.87 worth more, please."
+
+
+MONOGAMY
+
+The wives of the savage chief questioned the wife of the missionary:
+
+"And you never let your husband beat you?"
+
+"Certainly not," the Christian lady replied. "Why, he wouldn't dare to
+try such a thing!"
+
+The oldest wife nodded understandingly.
+
+"It is plain enough why the foreign devil has only one wife."
+
+
+MONOTONY
+
+The son of the house addressed his mother wistfully.
+
+"I'm going to have a little sister some day, ain't I?"
+
+"Why, dear, do you want one?"
+
+The child nodded seriously.
+
+"Yes, mama, I do. It gets kin' o' tiresome teasin' the cat."
+
+
+MORALITY
+
+The more-or-less-religious woman was deeply shocked when the new
+neighbors sent over on Sunday morning to borrow her lawn-mower.
+
+"The very idea," she exclaimed to her maid, "of cutting grass on the
+Sabbath! Shameful! Certainly, they can't have it. Tell them we haven't
+any lawn-mower."
+
+
+MOSQUITOES
+
+The visitor from another state talked so much concerning the size and
+fierceness of New Jersey mosquitoes that his host became somewhat
+peeved.
+
+"Funny!" the guest remarked. "You haven't your porch screened."
+
+"No," the host snapped; "we're using mouse-traps."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A visitor in the South complained bitterly concerning the plague of
+mosquitoes. An aged negro who listened respectfully explained a method
+by which the pests might be endured. But this was in the days before
+prohibition.
+
+"My old Marse George, suh, he done managed them animiles sholy
+splendiferous. Always when he come home nights, he so completely
+intoxicated he don't care a cuss foh all the skeeters in the hull
+creation. In the mawnin, when Marse George done git up, the skeeters so
+completely intoxicated they don't care a cuss foh Marse George, ner
+nobody!"
+
+
+MOTTO
+
+Two men walking along Avenue A in New York City observed a dingy saloon,
+in the window of which was a framed sign, reading:
+
+"_Ici on parle français_."
+
+"I don't believe anybody talks French in that dump," one of the
+observers remarked.
+
+To settle the matter, they entered, and ordered ginger ale of a
+red-headed barkeeper who was unmistakably Irish.
+
+One of the men addressed the barkeeper:
+
+"_Fait beau temps, monsieur_."
+
+The barkeeper scowled.
+
+"Come agin!" he demanded.
+
+It was soon demonstrated that French was a language unknown to the
+establishment.
+
+The visitor then inquired as to the reason for the sign in the window,
+explaining that it meant, "French is spoken here."
+
+The Irish barkeeper cursed heartily.
+
+"I bought it off a sheeny," he explained, "for six bits. He tould me it
+was Latin for, 'God Bless Our Home.'"
+
+
+MUSIC
+
+Artemas Ward said:
+
+"When I am sad, I sing, and then others are sad with me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The optimistic pessimist explained why he always dined in restaurants
+where music was provided.
+
+"Because it works two ways: sometimes the music helps to make me forget
+the food, and sometimes the food helps to make me forget the music."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young man, who was interested in natural history, was sitting on the
+porch one June evening with his best girl, who was interested in music.
+The rhythmic shrilling of the insects pulsed on the air, and from the
+village church down the street came the sounds of choir practise. The
+young man gave his attention to the former, the girl to the latter; and
+presently she spoke eagerly:
+
+"Oh, don't it sound grand!"
+
+The young man nodded, and answered:
+
+"Yes, indeed! and it's interesting to think that they do it all with
+their hind legs."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The boy violinist, played at a private musical, rendering a difficult
+concerto, which contained some particularly long rests for the soloist:
+During one of these intervals, a kindly dowager leaned toward the
+performer, and whispered loudly:
+
+"Why don't you play something that you know, my boy?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The apoplectic and grumpy old gentleman in the crowded restaurant was
+compelled to sit, much against his will, next to the orchestra. His
+stare at the leader as the jazz selection came to an end. The annoyed
+patron snorted, and then asked:
+
+"Would you be so kind as to play something by request?"
+
+The leader bowed again and beamed.
+
+"Certainly," he replied; "anything you like, sir."
+
+"Then," snapped the patron, "please be good enough to play a game of
+checkers while I finish my meal."
+
+
+NEATNESS
+
+The Japanese are remarkably tidy in the matter of floors. They even
+remove their shoes at the doorway. A Japanese student in New York was
+continually distressed by the dirty hallways of the building in which
+he lived. In the autumn, the janitor placed a notice at the entrance,
+which read:
+
+"Please wipe your feet."
+
+The Japanese wrote beneath in pencil:
+
+"On going out."
+
+
+NEIGHBORS
+
+It was a late hour when the hostess at the reception requested the
+eminent basso to sing.
+
+"It is too late, madam," he protested. "I should disturb your
+neighbors."
+
+"Not at all," declared the lady, beaming. "Besides, they poisoned our
+dog last week."
+
+
+NERVES
+
+The older sister rebuked the younger when putting her to bed for being
+cross and ill tempered throughout the day. After she had been neatly
+tucked in, the little one commented:
+
+"It's temper when it's me an' nerves when it's you."
+
+
+NIGHTMARE
+
+"And you say you have the same nightmare every night," the doctor
+inquired. "What is it?"
+
+The suffering man answered:
+
+"I dream that I'm married."
+
+"Ah, hum!" the physician grunted perfunctorily. "To whom?"
+
+"To my wife," the patient explained. "That's what makes it a
+nightmare."
+
+The inn-keeper was inclined to take advantage of a particular guest who
+did not scrutinize the bills rendered. When the clerk mentioned the fact
+that this guest had complained of a nightmare, the host brightened, and
+marked down an item of ten dollars charge for livery.
+
+
+NOMENCLATURE
+
+The young son of a mountaineer family in North Carolina had visited for
+the first time in the town twelve miles from home, and had eaten his
+mid-day meal there. Questioned on his return as to the repast, he
+described it with enthusiasm, except in one particular:
+
+"They done had something they called gravee. But hit looked like sop,
+an' hit tasted like sop, an' I believe in my soul 'twar sop!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+When his daughter returned from the girls' college, the farmer regarded
+her critically, and then demanded:
+
+"Ain't you a lot fatter than you was?"
+
+"Yes, dad," the girl admitted. "I weigh one hundred and forty pounds
+stripped for 'gym.'"
+
+The father stared for a moment in horrified amazement, then shouted:
+
+"Who in thunder is Jim?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+On an occasion when a distinguished critic was to deliver a lecture on
+the poet Keats in a small town, the president of the local literary
+society was prevented by illness from introducing the speaker, and the
+mayor, who was more popular than learned, was asked to officiate. The
+amiable gentleman introduced the stranger with his accustomed eloquence,
+and concluded a few happy remarks of a general character with this
+observation:
+
+"And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what I personally have
+often wondered--what are Keats!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+During the scarcity of labor, a new clerk, who knew nothing of the
+business, was taken on by a furniture house. His mistakes were so bad
+that the proprietor was compelled to watch him closely, and to fire him
+after the following episode.
+
+A lady customer asked to see some chiffoniers. The clerk led her to the
+display of bassinettes, which was an unfortunate error since the lady
+was an old maid. She accepted his apology, however, and then remarked:
+
+"Where are your sideboards?"
+
+The clerk blushed furiously, as he replied:
+
+"Why--er--I shaved them off last week."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The lady who had some culture, but not too much, was describing the
+adventure of her husband, who had been in Messina at the time of the
+earthquake.
+
+"It was awful," she declared, in tense tones. "When Jim went to bed,
+everything was perfectly quiet. And then, when he woke up, all of a
+sudden, there beside him was a yawning abbess!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+One of the two girls in the subway was glancing at a newspaper.
+
+"I see," she remarked presently to her companion, "that Mr. So and so,
+the octogenarian, is dead. Now, what on earth is an octogenarian
+anyhow?"
+
+"I'm sure I haven't the faintest idea," the other girl replied. "But
+they're an awful sickly lot. You never hear of one but he's dying."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A story is told of an office-seeker in Washington who asserted to an
+inquirer that he had never heard of Mark Twain.
+
+"What? Never heard of _Tom Sawyer_?"
+
+"Nope, never heard of him."
+
+"Nor _Huck Finn_?"
+
+"Nope, never heard of him neither."
+
+"Nor _Puddin'head Wilson_?"
+
+"Oh, Lord, yes!" the office-seeker exclaimed. "Why, I voted for him."
+
+And then he added sadly:
+
+"An' that's all the good it done me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The aged caretaker of the Episcopal church confided to a crony that he
+was uncertain as to just what he was:
+
+"I used to be the janitor, years ago. Then we had a parson who named me
+the sextant. And Doctor Smith, he called me a virgin. And our young man,
+he says I'm the sacrilege."
+
+
+OBSTINACY
+
+The old mountaineer and his wife arrived at a railway station, and for
+the first time in their lives beheld a train of cars, which was standing
+there. The husband looked the engine over very carefully, and shook his
+head.
+
+"Well, what do you think of it, father?" asked the old lady.
+
+"She'll never start," was the firm answer: "she'll never start."
+
+The conductor waved, the bell rang, the locomotive puffed, the train
+moved slowly at first, then faster. It was disappearing in the distance
+when the wife inquired slyly:
+
+"Well, pa, what do you think of it now?"
+
+The old man shook his head more violently than before.
+
+"She'll never stop," he asserted; "she'll never stop!"
+
+
+OMEN
+
+The great pugilist was superstitious and fond of lobster. When the
+waiter served one with a claw missing, he protested. The waiter
+explained that this lobster had been worsted in a fight with another in
+the kitchen. The great pugilist pushed back his plate.
+
+"Carry him off," he commanded, "and bring me the winner."
+
+
+OPTICAL ILLUSION
+
+The sergeant rebuked the private angrily:
+
+"Jenkins, why haven't you shaved this morning?"
+
+"Why, ain't I shaved?" the private exclaimed, apparently greatly
+surprised.
+
+"No, you ain't," the sergeant snapped. "And I want to know the reason
+why."
+
+"Well, now, I guess it must be this way," Jenkins suggested. "There was
+a dozen of us usin' the same bit of lookin' glass, an' I swan I must
+have shaved somebody else."
+
+
+OPTIMISM
+
+The day laborer was of a cheerful disposition that naturally inclined to
+seek out the good in every situation. He was a genuine optimist. Thus,
+after tramping the three miles from home to begin the day's work on the
+ditch, he discovered that he had been careless, and explained to a
+fellow laborer:
+
+"I've gone and done it now! I left my lunch at home."
+
+Then, suddenly he beamed happily, as he added:
+
+"And it's a good thing I did, for the matter of that, because I left my
+teeth at home, too."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The optimist fell from the top story of a skyscraper. As he passed the
+fourth story, he was overheard muttering:
+
+"So far, so good!"
+
+
+ORIENTATION
+
+John B. Gough was fond of telling of a laird and his servant Sandy. The
+two were on their way home on horseback late at night, and both were
+much muddled by drink. At a ford where the bank was steep, the laird
+fell head first into the creek. He scrambled up, and shouted to his
+servant:
+
+"Hold on, Sandy! Something fell off--I heard it splash!"
+
+Sandy climbed down from the saddle, and waded about blindly in the
+shallow water, with groping hands. At last, he seized on the laird.
+
+"Why, it's yerself, mon, as fell oof!"
+
+"No, Sandy," the master declared stoutly. "It can't be me--here I am."
+Then he, added: "But if it is me, get me back on the horse."
+
+Sandy helped the laird to the horse, and boosted him up astride. In the
+dark, the rider was faced the wrong way to.
+
+"Gie me the reins," the master ordered.
+
+Sandy felt about the horse's rump, and, then cried out, clutching the
+tail:
+
+"It waur the horse's head as fell off--nothin' left but the mane!"
+
+"Gie me the mane, then," the laird directed stolidly. "I must een hae
+something to hold on."
+
+So, presently, when he had the tail firmly grasped in both hands, and
+Sandy had mounted, the procession began to move. Whereat, the laird
+shouted in dismay:
+
+"Haud on, Sandy! It's gaein' the wrang way!"
+
+
+OUTWORN
+
+Tiny Clara heard her mother say that a neighboring lady had a new baby.
+The tot puzzled over the matter, and at last sought additional
+information:
+
+"Oh, mumsy, what is she going to do with her old one?"
+
+
+PARADOX
+
+The amiable old lady was overheard talking to herself as she left the
+church along with the crowd that had attended the services:
+
+"If everybody else would only do as I do, and stay quietly in their
+seats till everyone else has gone out, there would not be such a crush
+at the doors."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Two friends from Ireland on a tour occupied the same bedchamber in a
+country inn. During the night a fearful storm raged. John spoke of it in
+the morning while the two men were dressing.
+
+"Did it rain?" Dennis asked in surprise.
+
+"Rain!" John exclaimed. "It was a deluge, and the lightnin' was blindin'
+and the thunder was deafenin'. Sure, I never heard the like."
+
+"For the love of Hivvin!" Dennis cried out. "Why didn't yez waken me?
+Didn't yez know I never can slape whin it thunders!"
+
+
+PASTORAL
+
+Burdette quotes as follows a year's statistics of parochial work, as
+compiled by a young curate:
+
+"Preached 104 sermons, 18 mortuary discourses, solemnized 21 hymeneal
+ceremonies, delivered 17 lectures, of which 16 were on secular and all
+the rest on religious subjects; made 39 addresses, of which all but 27
+were on matters most nearly touching the vital religious concerns of the
+church, read aloud in church 156 chapters of the Bible, 149 of which
+were very long ones; made pastoral calls, 312; took tea on such
+occasions, 312 times; distributed 804 tracts; visited the sick several
+times; sat on the platform at temperance and other public meetings 47
+times; had the headache Sabbath mornings, and so was compelled to appear
+in a condition of physical pain, nervous prostration and bodily distress
+that utterly unfitted him for public preaching, 104 times; picnics
+attended, 10; dinners, 37; suffered from attacks of malignant dyspepsia,
+37 times; read 748 hymns; instructed the choir in regard to the
+selection of tunes, 1 time; had severe cold, 104 times; sore throat, 104
+times; malaria, 104 times; wrote 3120 pages of sermons; declined
+invitations to tea, 1 time; started the tune in prayer meeting, 2 times;
+started the wrong tune, 2 times; sung hymns that nobody else knew, 2
+times; received into church membership, 3; dismissed by letter, 49;
+expelled, 16; lost, strayed, or stolen, 137."
+
+
+PATRIOTISM
+
+The Scotchman returned to his native town, Peebles, after a first visit
+to London. He told the neighbors enthusiastically of his many wonderful
+experiences in the metropolis. There was, however, no weakening in his
+local loyalty, for at the end he cried out proudly:
+
+"But, for real pleasure, gi'e me Peebles!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+There is no doubting the strong patriotism of the schoolboy who is the
+hero of this tale, although he may have been weak on history. During an
+examination in general history, he was asked:
+
+"Who was the first man?"
+
+He answered proudly, even enthusiastically, without any hesitation:
+
+"George Washington, first in war, first in peace, first in the
+hearts----"
+
+But the teacher interrupted ruthlessly:
+
+"Wrong! Adam was the first man."
+
+The boy sniffed disgustedly.
+
+"Oh!" he retorted. "I didn't know you were talking about foreigners."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The troops had been marching through a sea of mud for hours, when at
+last they were lined up for inspection before a general. In the
+evolution, a young cavalryman who had enlisted was thrown from his horse
+into the muck, from which he emerged in a dreadful state, though
+uninjured except in his feelings. The general himself, who had witnessed
+the incident, rode up, and preserving his gravity with some effort
+inquired of the trooper if he had suffered any hurt from the fall.
+
+"Naw," was the disgusted reply. "But if I ever love a country agin, you
+can kick _me_!"
+
+
+PEACE
+
+The mourning widow caused a tender sentiment to be chiseled on the
+headstone of her husband's grave. The exact wording was as follows:
+
+"Thou are at rest, until we meet again."
+
+
+PEACEMAKER
+
+The father was telling at the table of a row between two men in which he
+had interfered. One had swung a shovel aloft, shouting, "I'll knock your
+brains out!"
+
+"It was at this moment," the head of the family explained, "that I
+stepped in between them."
+
+Little Johnnie had been listening, round-eyed with excitement. Now, he
+burst forth:
+
+"I guess he couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, pa?"
+
+
+PENSION
+
+The usual details in administration of the pension laws are not amusing,
+but occasionally even here a bit of humor creeps in to relieve the
+tedium. Thus, John Smith, claimant under Invalid Original No.
+98,325,423, based his application for succor upon an "injury to leg due
+to the kick of a vicious horse" in the service and line of duty, etc.
+
+This was formally insufficient, and the bureau advised to claimant to
+this effect, directing him to state: "which leg was injured by the
+alleged kick of a vicious horse."
+
+The reply came promptly:
+
+"My leg!"
+
+
+PESSIMISM
+
+The energetic New England woman addressed her hired girl in a
+discouraged tone:
+
+"Here it is Monday morning and to-morrow will be Tuesday, and the next
+day Wednesday--the whole week half gone, and nothing done yit!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The old man shook his head dolefully in response to an inquiry
+concerning his health.
+
+"It isn't what it ought to be," he declared. "I find my strength is
+failing. It used to be I could walk around the block every morning. But
+now lately, somehow, when I'm only half way round, I feel so tired I
+have to turn and come back."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The visitor remarked affably to the man of the house:
+
+"Your family is wonderfully talented. One son plays the cornet, two
+daughters play the piano and the guitar, and your wife plays the banjo,
+and the other children play ukuleles. As the father of such musical
+geniuses, you must be something yourself, aren't you?"
+
+"Yes," was the answer, "I am a pessimist."
+
+
+PHILANTHROPY
+
+"I hear that Mrs. Brewster hasn't paid her servants any wages for a
+number of months," remarked one lady to another in a suburban town.
+
+"Why does she keep such a number of them then?" was the pertinent
+inquiry.
+
+"Oh, Mrs. Brewster tells everyone she regards it as her solemn duty to
+employ as many as possible when times are so hard."
+
+
+PHONETICS
+
+Little Willie questioned his grandmother with an appearance of great
+seriousness:
+
+"Ain't Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?"
+
+"Don't say 'ain't', Willie," the old lady corrected. "Yes, Rotterdam is
+the name of a city. Why?"
+
+"It ain't swearin' to say it, is it Gramma?"
+
+"Don't say 'ain't', Willie. No, it isn't swearing to say Rotterdam.
+Why?"
+
+"Cause if sister keeps on eatin' so much candy, she'll Rotterdam head
+off."
+
+
+PHYSIOLOGY
+
+The teacher explained to her young pupils some facts concerning various
+organs of the body, including the eye as the organ of sight, the ear as
+the organ of hearing, and the like. Then she asked the pupils to repeat
+to her what they had learned. There was a short silence, which was
+broken by a bright little boy, who spoke as follows:
+
+"I see with my eye organ, I hear with my ear organ, I smell with my nose
+organ, I eat with my mouth organ, and I feel with my hand organ."
+
+
+PLAIN SPEAKING
+
+The new maid was talkative, and related some of her experiences in
+service.
+
+"You seem to have had a good many situations," was the lady's comment
+as the girl paused. "How many different mistresses have you had, all
+told?"
+
+"Fifteen, all told," the maid declared promptly; "yes mum, all told
+eggzactly what I thought of them."
+
+
+PLAYING POSSUM
+
+"No, suh," the ancient negro asserted, with a melancholy shaking of his
+bald head, "dar hain't no trustin' a 'possum. Once on a time, suh, I
+done watched de hole of a 'possum all night long. An' at las', suh, de
+'possum done come out of his hole. An' what yoh t'ink de ole scallywog
+done did? Well, suh, he done come out, an' when he done come out, he was
+a polecat!"
+
+
+PLUMBER
+
+The plumber at many dollars a day could afford a little persiflage with
+the cook in the kitchen where he was theoretically repairing the sink.
+The cook was plain-featured, but any diversion was welcome to speed the
+hours for which he drew pay. He made a strong impression on the cook,
+and when he took his departure, she simpered, and said coyly:
+
+"Thursday is my evenin' off, an' we might go to the movies."
+
+The plumber snorted indignantly.
+
+"What!" he demanded. "On me own time?"
+
+
+POETRY
+
+The evil effects of decadent verse is unintentionally told in the
+following extract from a Hindu's letter to the authorities requesting
+aid in behalf of his invalid father, who leads sickly life, and is going
+from bad to perhaps, but not too well; for an extract from the petition
+calls on the government "to look after my old faher, who leads sickly
+life, and is going from bad to verse every day."
+
+
+POINT OF VIEW
+
+A couple from Boston spent a winter in Augusta, Georgia. During the
+period of their visit, they became fond of an old colored woman, and
+even invited her to visit their home at their expense. In due time after
+their return to Boston, the visitor was entertained. Every courtesy was
+extended to the old colored woman, and she even had her meals with the
+host and hostess. One day at dinner, the host remarked, with a certain
+smug satisfaction in his own democratic hospitality:
+
+"I imagine that, during all the time you were a slave, your master never
+invited you to eat at his table."
+
+"No, suh, dat he didn't," replied the old darky. "My master was a
+genl'man. He never let no nigger set at table 'long side o' him."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The kindly old lady chanced to be present at the feeding of the lions in
+the zoo. Presently, she remarked to the keeper:
+
+"Isn't that a very small piece of meat to give to the lions?"
+
+The man answered very respectfully, but firmly:
+
+"It may seem like a very small piece of meat to you, mum, but it seems
+like a big piece of meat to the lions, mum."
+
+
+POKER
+
+Tommy Atkins and a doughboy sat in a poker game together somewhere in
+France. The Britisher held a full house, the American four of a kind.
+
+"I raise you two pounds," quoth Tommy.
+
+The Yankee did not hesitate.
+
+"I ain't exactly onto your currency curves, but I'll bump it up four
+tons."
+
+
+POLITENESS
+
+The little girl in the car was a pest. She crossed the aisle to devote
+herself to a dignified fat man, to his great annoyance. She asked
+innumerable questions, and, incidentally, counted aloud his vest buttons
+to learn whether he was rich man, poor man, beggar man or thief. The
+mother regarded the child's efforts as highly entertaining. The fat man
+leaned forward and addressed the lady very courteously:
+
+"Madam, what do you call this dear little child?"
+
+"Ethel," the beaming mother replied.
+
+"Please call her then," the fat man requested.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Johnny, who was to be the guest at a neighbor's for the noonday meal,
+was carefully admonished by his mother to remember his manners, and to
+speak in complimentary terms of the food served him. He heeded the
+instruction, and did the best he could under stress of embarrassment.
+
+After he had tasted the soup, he remarked as boldly as he could
+contrive:
+
+"This is pretty good soup--what there is of it."
+
+He was greatly disconcerted to observe that his remark caused a frown on
+the face of his hostess. He hastened to speak again in an effort to
+correct any bad impression from his previous speech:
+
+"And there's plenty of it--such as it is."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+On Johnnie's return from the birthday party, his mother expressed the
+hope that he had behaved politely at the luncheon table, and properly
+said, "Yes, if you please" and "No, thank you," when anything was
+offered him.
+
+Johnnie shook his head seriously.
+
+"I guess I didn't say, 'No, thank you.' I ate everything there was."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The teacher used as an illustration of bad grammar, for correction by
+the class, the following sentence:
+
+"The horse and cow is in the pasture."
+
+A manly little fellow raised his hand, and at the teacher's nod said:
+
+"Please, sir, ladies should come first."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The man sitting in the street car addressed the woman standing before
+him:
+
+"You must excuse my not giving you my seat--I'm a member of the Sit
+Still Club."
+
+"Certainly, sir," the woman replied. "And please excuse my staring--I
+belong to the Stand and Stare Club."
+
+She proved it so well that the man at last sheepishly got to his feet.
+
+"I guess, ma'am," he mumbled, "I'll resign from my club and join yours."
+
+
+POLITICS
+
+The little boy interrupted his father's reading of the paper with a
+petition.
+
+"Please, Daddy, tell me the story about the Forty Thieves."
+
+The father, aroused from his absorption in political news and comment on
+the campaign, regarded his son thoughtfully for a moment, and then shook
+his head.
+
+"No," he answered decisively, "you must wait until you're a little
+older, my son. You're too young to understand politics."
+
+
+POPULATION
+
+Someone asked a darky from Richmond who was visiting in the North as to
+the population of the city.
+
+"Ah don't edzakly know, suh," was the reply, "but I opine 'bout a
+hundred an' twenty-five thousan', countin' de whites."
+
+
+POSTAL
+
+It is human nature to take an interest in the affairs of others. The
+fact has been amply demonstrated by innumerable postmasters and
+postmistresses who have profited from their contact with the
+communities' correspondence. That the postman, too, is likely to be well
+informed is shown in a quotation by _Punch_ of a local letter-carrier's
+apology to a lady on his round:
+
+"I'm sorry, Ma'am, I seem to have lost your postcard; but it only said
+Muriel thanked you for the parcel and so did John, and they were both
+very well, and the children are happy, and she'll give your message to
+Margery. That'll be your other daughter, I'm thinkin'?"
+
+
+PRAISE
+
+One negro workman was overheard talking to another:
+
+"I'se yoh frien'. I jest tole the fohman, when he say dat nigger Sam
+ain't fit to feed to de dawgs, why, I done spoke right up, an' tole him
+yoh shohly is!"
+
+
+PRAYER
+
+The Dutchman still retained a strong accent, although he had been in the
+country forty years, and was a churchwarden. When the rector complained
+that a certain parishioner had called him a perfect ass, and asked
+advice, the reply, though well intentioned, sounded ambiguous:
+
+"All you should do vill pe youst to bray for him, as usual."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A Scotch missionary in the Far East suffered ill fortune in his
+marriages, for two wives in succession yielded to the trying climate and
+died. The missionary had depended on the Board at home to select his
+previous mates, and he wrote for a third. When due time had elapsed, he
+journeyed to the seaport to meet the steamer by which his new mate
+should arrive. At the appointed hour, as the boat drew in, he stood on
+the dock anxiously waiting. Among the few passengers to descend the
+gangplank, it was easy for him to select the one destined for him. At
+sight of her, he shuddered slightly, and a groan burst from his lips.
+
+"Freckles," he muttered despairingly, "and red headed, and with
+squint--for the third time!--and after all my prayers!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Charles had attained the age of five when he attended a football game
+for the first time. It cannot be doubted that he was profoundly
+impressed by the excitement on the gridiron, for at bedtime his mother
+was horrified to hear him utter his nightly prayer thus:
+
+"God bless papa! God bless mama! God bless Charlie! Rah! Rah! Rah!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+At the request of his wife, the husband opened a can of peaches. When he
+finally reappeared, the wife asked demurely:
+
+"What did you use to open that can, Jim?"
+
+"Can-opener, of course," the husband grunted. "What d'ye think I opened
+it with?"
+
+"From the language I heard, I thought perhaps you were opening it with
+prayer."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The newspaper report of the special Sunday services contained the
+following impressive description of the prayer:
+
+"The most eloquent prayer ever addressed to a Boston audience."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The New York Sun published the following:
+
+The toys had been reluctantly laid aside and in her dainty nightie the
+little girl, scarcely more than a baby, knelt at her mother's knee.
+
+The eyes, which all day long are alight with mischief, were reverently
+closed, and as she haltingly uttered the words of the old, yet ever
+young child's prayer her rapt face, raised occasionally from her dimpled
+hands, took on an expression almost seraphic in its innocent purity.
+
+With a fervent "Amen" she ended her supplication, then jumped up, eyes
+dancing, and exclaimed:
+
+"Now let's say 'Little Jack Horner sat in the corner.' I knows it
+better, Muvver."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A little boy was asked if he prayed when he attended church, and he
+answered that he always did. On being questioned as to the nature of his
+prayer, he explained that he always repeated it when the others in the
+congregation made their silent prayer just before the sermon, and he
+added further:
+
+"I just say the little prayer mother taught me--'Now I lay me down to
+sleep.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A prayer showing a ghastly confusion of metaphors is on record as having
+been offered extemporaneously in behalf of Queen Adelaide during the
+reign of that sovereign. The words as quoted were these:
+
+"O Lord, save thy servant, our Sovereign Lady, the Queen. Grant that as
+she grows an old woman, she may become a new man. Strengthen her with
+Thy blessing that she may live a pure virgin, bringing her sons and
+daughters to the glory of God. And give her grace that she may go before
+her people like a he-goat upon the mountains."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+As the boat was sinking, the skipper lifted his voice to ask:
+
+"Does anybody know how to pray?"
+
+One man spoke confidently in answer:
+
+"Yes, Captain, I do."
+
+The captain nodded.
+
+"That's all right then," he declared. "You go ahead and pray. The rest
+of us will put on life-belts. They're one short."
+
+
+PREACHER
+
+A colored deacon who was the leader in a congregation down South, wrote
+to the bishop to explain the need of a minister for the church. He
+concluded his appeal as follows:
+
+"Send us a Bishop to preach. If you can't send us a Bishop, send us a
+Sliding Elder. If you can't send a Sliding Elder, send us a Stationary
+Preacher. If you can't spare him, send us a Circus Eider. If you can't
+spare him, send us a Locust Preacher. And if you can't send a Locust
+Preacher, send us an Exhauster."
+
+
+PRECAUTION
+
+When the colored couple were being married by the clergyman, and the
+words, "love, honor and obey" were spoken, the bridegroom interrupted:
+
+"Read that again, suh! read it once moh, so's de lady kin ketch de full
+solemnity ob de meanin'. I'se been married befoh."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The lawyer for the defense, in the damage suit, asked the witness who
+had seen the plaintive struck by the automobile, how far the victim was
+thrown by the impact.
+
+"Fifteen feet, six and three-quarter inches," was the instant response.
+
+"You seem to be very exact in your figures," exclaimed the lawyer
+sarcastically. "How does that happen?"
+
+"I guessed some fool lawyer would ask me," the witness answered, "and I
+measured the distance."
+
+
+PRECOCITY
+
+The playwright rushed up to the critic at the club.
+
+"I've had a terrible misfortune," he announced. "My little
+three-year-old boy got at my new play, and tore it all to pieces."
+
+"Extraordinary that a child so young should be able to read," said the
+critic.
+
+
+PREMATURENESS
+
+Ikey saw his friend Jakey in the smoking-car when he entered, and sat
+down in the same seat.
+
+"How was that fire in your place last week, Jakey?" he inquired.
+
+Jakey started nervously.
+
+"Sh!" he whispered. "It vas next week."
+
+
+PREPAREDNESS
+
+The small boy was directed to soak his feet in salt water to toughen
+them. He considered the matter thoughtfully, and then remarked to
+himself:
+
+"It's pretty near time for me to ket a lickin', I guess I'd better sit
+in it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The two scrub women met and chattered to this effect:
+
+Mrs. Riley--Och, Missus O'Rafferty, I hear yez be worrukin' noight an'
+day.
+
+Mrs. O'Rafferty--Yis, Oi'm under bonds to kape the pace for pullin' the
+hair o' that blaggard Missus Murphy; an' the Judge tould me as if Oi
+touched her again he'd foine me tin dollars.
+
+Mrs. Riley--An' yez is worrukin' so hard so's to kape outen mischief.
+
+Mrs. O'Rafferty (hissing viciously between her teeth)--No! Oi'm savin'
+oop the foine.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The father entered the room where Clara, his daughter, was entertaining
+her young man.
+
+"What is it, popper?" the young lady inquired.
+
+Her father held out the umbrella which he carried.
+
+"This is for John," he explained. "It looks as if it might rain before
+morning."
+
+
+PRIDE
+
+The little boy was greatly elated when informed by his mother that the
+liveliness of her hair as she combed it was caused by electricity.
+
+"Oh, my!" he exclaimed. "Ain't we a wonderful family! Mama has
+electricity on her head, and grandma has gas on her stomach."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Pride often has no better basis in fact than the self-congratulation of
+little Raymond in the following story:
+
+Raymond came home from a session of the Sunday School fairly swollen
+with importance. He explained the cause to his mother.
+
+"The superintendent said something awful nice about me this morning in
+his prayer."
+
+"And what did he say, dear?" the mother inquired, concealing her
+astonishment.
+
+The boy quoted glibly and sincerely.
+
+"He said, 'O Lord, we thank thee for our food and Raymond.'"
+
+
+PRECOCIOUSNESS
+
+A stranger rang the door-bell. Little eight-year-old Willie Jones opened
+the door.
+
+"Is Mr. Jones in?" the caller inquired.
+
+Little Willie answered with formal politeness:
+
+"I'm Mr. Jones. Or did you wish to see old Mr. Jones?"
+
+
+PRISON REFORM
+
+The society matron explained the necessity for immediate reform in
+conditions at the State Penitentiary:
+
+"Nowadays, there are such a number of our very best people who are being
+indicted and tried and convicted and sent to serve their sentences in
+the prison that we really must make their surroundings there more
+pleasant and elegant."
+
+
+PRIVILEGE
+
+The tenderfoot in the mining town was watching a poker game for heavy
+stakes, when he saw the dealer give himself four aces from the bottom of
+the deck. He whispered the fact in shocked surprise to a citizen beside
+him. The latter looked astonished.
+
+"What of it?" he drawled. "Wasn't it his deal?"
+
+
+PROCRASTINATION
+
+The Southern darky is usually willing enough, but painfully dilatory in
+accomplishment. The foreman of a quarry called to Zeb, the general
+utility man, and directed him to go across the road to the blacksmith
+shop and bring back a drill which had been left there for sharpening.
+Zeb shuffled out of sight, and after a lapse of half an hour, shuffled
+back lazily into view. The indignant foreman called to him sharply:
+
+"Here, you Zeb! Where've you been all this time?"
+
+The darky grinned placatingly.
+
+"Why, boss," he explained, "I hain't been--I'se gwine!"
+
+
+PROFANITY
+
+The longshoreman was indulging in a fit of temper, which he interpreted
+in a burst of language that shocked the lady passing by. She regarded
+him reprovingly, as she demanded:
+
+"My man, where did you learn such awful language?"
+
+"Where did I learn it?" the longshoreman repeated. "Huh! I didn't learn
+it, it's a gift."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The deacon carried a chain to the blacksmith to have a link welded. When
+he returned to the shop a few hours later, he saw the chain lying on the
+floor, and picked it up. It was just next to red hot, and the deacon
+dropped it with the ejaculation:
+
+"Hell!" Then he added hastily: "I like to have said."
+
+
+PROFITEERS
+
+The wife of the profiteer discoursed largely on the luxuries of the new
+country estate.
+
+"And, of course," she vouchsafed, "we have all the usual
+animals--horses, cows, sheep, pigs, hens, and so forth."
+
+"Oh, hens!" the listener gushed. "Then you'll have fresh eggs."
+
+"Really, I'm not sure. The hens can work, if they like, but of course in
+our position, it's quite unnecessary--er, perhaps not quite suitable,
+you know."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The advertisement offered for fifty cents a recipe by which to whiten
+the hands and soften them. Girls who sent the money received the
+following directions:
+
+"Soak the hands three times a day in dish water while mother rests."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Are you sure this handbag is genuine crocodile skin?" the woman asked
+the shopkeeper.
+
+"Absolutely," was the reply. "I shot that crocodile myself."
+
+"But it is badly soiled."
+
+"Well, yes, of course. That's where it hit the ground, when it fell out
+of the tree."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Customer: "But if it costs twenty dollars to make these watches, and you
+sell them for twenty dollars, where does your profit come in?"
+
+Shopkeeper: "That comes from repairing them."
+
+
+PROGRESS
+
+The cottager was crippled by rheumatism, and the kindly clergyman taught
+him his letters, and put him through the primer and into the Bible. On
+his return after a vacation, the clergyman met the cottager's wife.
+
+"How does John get along with his reading of the Bible?" he asked.
+
+"Oh, bless your reverence," she replied proudly, "'e's out of the Bible
+and into the newspaper long ago."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The kindly clergyman, newly come to the parish, was at great pains to
+teach an illiterate old man, crippled with rheumatism, his letters so
+that he could read the Bible. On the clergyman's return after a short
+absence from the parish, he met the old man's wife.
+
+"And how is Thomas making out with reading his Bible?"
+
+"Bless you, sir," the wife declared proudly, "he's out of the Bible and
+into the newspaper long ago."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The physician advised his patient to eat a hearty dinner at night,
+without any worry over the ability to digest it. The patient, however,
+protested:
+
+"But the other time when I came to see you, you insisted I must eat only
+a very light supper in the evening."
+
+The physician nodded, smiling complacently.
+
+"Yes, of course--that shows what great progress the science of medicine
+is making."
+
+
+PROHIBITION
+
+The objector to prohibition spoke bitterly:
+
+"Water has killed more folks than liquor ever did."
+
+"You are raving," declared the defender of the Eighteenth Amendment.
+"How do you make that out?"
+
+"Well, to begin with, there was the Flood."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The wife complained to her husband that the chauffeur was very drunk
+indeed, and must be discharged instantly.
+
+"Discharged--nothing!" the husband retorted joyously. "When he's sobered
+off, I'll have him take me out and show me where he got it."
+
+
+PROLIFIC
+
+The woman teacher in a New York School was interested in the
+announcement by a little girl pupil that she had a new baby brother.
+
+"And what is the baby's name?" the teacher asked.
+
+"Aaron," was the answer.
+
+A few days later, the teacher inquired concerning Aaron, but the little
+girl regarded her in perplexity.
+
+"Aaron?" she repeated.
+
+"Your baby brother," the teacher prompted.
+
+Understanding dawned on the child's face.
+
+"Oh, Aaron!" she exclaimed. "That was a mistake. It's Moses. He's very
+well, ma'am, thank you. Pa an' ma, they found we had an Aaron."
+
+
+PRONUNCIATION
+
+The parson's daughter spoke pleasantly, but with a hint of rebuke, to
+one of her father's humble parishioners:
+
+"Good morning, Giles. I haven't noticed you in church for the last few
+weeks."
+
+"No, miss," the man answered. "I've been oop at Noocaste a-visitin' my
+old 'aunts. And strange, miss, ain't it, I don't see no change in 'em
+since I was a child like?"
+
+The parson's daughter was duly impressed.
+
+"What wonderful old ladies they must be!"
+
+But the man shook his head, and explained with remarkable clearness:
+
+"I didn't say 'arnts', miss. I said 'awnts'--'aunts where I used to
+wander in my childhood days like."
+
+
+PROOF
+
+_Shopper:_--"Are these eggs fresh?"
+
+_Apprentice:_--"Yes, ma'am, they be."
+
+_Shopper:_--"How long since they were laid?"
+
+_Apprentice:_--"'Tain't ten minutes, ma'am--I know, I laid them eggs
+there myself."
+
+
+PROPERTY
+
+The indignant householder held up before the policeman the dead cat that
+had been lying by the curb three days.
+
+"What am I to do with this?" he demanded.
+
+"Take it to headquarters," was the serene reply. "If nobody claims it
+within a reasonable time, it's your property."
+
+
+PROVIDENCE
+
+The _babu_ explained with great politeness the complete failure of a
+young American member of the shooting party in India to bag any game:
+
+"The sahib shot divinely but it is true that Providence was all merciful
+to the birds."
+
+
+PRUDENCE
+
+Sandy MacTavish was a guest at a christening party in the home of a
+fellow Scot whose hospitality was limited only by the capacity of the
+company. The evening was hardly half spent when Sandy got to his feet,
+and made the round of his fellow guests, bidding each of them a very
+affectionate farewell. The host came bustling up, much concerned.
+
+"But, Sandy, mon," he protested, "Ye're nae goin' yet, with the evenin'
+just started?"
+
+"Nay," declared the prudent MacTavish, "I'm no' goin' yet. But I'm
+tellin' ye good-night while I know ye all."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young man, who was notorious for the reckless driving of his car,
+was at his home in the country, when he received a telephone call, and a
+woman's voice asked if he intended to go motoring that afternoon.
+
+"No, not this afternoon," he replied. "But why do you ask? Who are you?"
+
+"That doesn't matter," came the voice over the wire. "It's only that I
+wish to send my little girl down the street on an errand."
+
+
+PUNISHMENT
+
+The school teacher, after writing to the mother of a refractory pupil,
+received this note in reply:
+
+"Dear miss, you writ me about whippin my boy i hereby give you
+permission to lick him eny time it is necessary to lern him lessuns hes
+jist like his paw you have to lern him with a club please pound nolej
+into him i want him to git it don't pay no attenshun to his paw either
+i'll handle him."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The little boy dashed wildly around the corner, and collided with the
+benevolent old gentleman, who inquired the cause of such haste.
+
+"I gotta git home fer maw to spank me," the boy panted.
+
+"Bless my soul!" exclaimed the old gentleman, "I can't understand your
+being in such a hurry to be spanked."
+
+"I ain't. But if I don't git there 'fore paw, he'll gimme the lickin'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The little lad sat on the curb howling lustily. A passer-by halted to
+ask what was the matter. The boy explained between howls that his father
+had given him a licking. The sympathizer attempted consolation:
+
+"But you must be a little man, and not cry about it. All fathers have to
+punish their children sometimes."
+
+The lad ceased howling long enough to snort contemptuously, and to
+explain:
+
+"Huh! my paw ain't like other boys' paws. He plays the bass drum in the
+band!"
+
+
+PUNS
+
+"What is your name?" demanded the judge of the prisoner in the Municipal
+Court.
+
+"Locke Smith," was the answer, and the man made a bolt for the door.
+
+He was seized by an officer and hauled back.
+
+"Ten dollars or ten days," said the magistrate.
+
+"I'll take the ten dollars," announced the prisoner.
+
+Finally, he paid the fine, but he added explicit information as to his
+opinion of the judge. Then he leaped for the door again, only to be
+caught and brought back a second time.
+
+The judge, after fining the prisoner another ten dollars, admonished him
+severely, in these words:
+
+"If your language had been more chaste and refined, you would not have
+been chased and refined."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A member of the Lambs' Club had a reputation for lack of hospitality in
+the matter of buying drinks for others. On one occasion, two actors
+entered the bar, and found this fellow alone at the rail. They invited
+him to drink, and, as he accepted, he announced proudly:
+
+"I'm writing my autobiography."
+
+"With the accent on the 'bi'?" One of the newcomers suggested
+sarcastically.
+
+"No," his friend corrected, "with the accent on the 'auto'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The stallion that had been driven in from the plains was a magnificent
+creature, but so fierce that no man dared approach closely. Then the
+amiable lunatic appeared on the scene. He took a halter, and went
+toward the dangerous beast. And as he went, he muttered softly:
+
+"So, bossy; so bossy; so bossy."
+
+The stallion stood quietly and allowed the halter to be slipped over his
+head without offering any resistance.
+
+The horse was cowed.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+When Mr. Choate was ambassador to the Court of St. James, he was present
+at a function where his plain evening dress contrasted sharply with the
+uniforms of the other men. At a late hour, an Austrian diplomat approach
+him, as he stood near the door, obviously taking him for a servant, and
+said:
+
+"Call me a cab."
+
+Choate answered affably:
+
+"You're a cab, sir."
+
+The diplomat indignantly went to the host and explained that a servant
+had insulted him. He pointed to Choate. Explanations ensued, and the
+diplomat was introduced to the American, to whom he apologized.
+
+"That's all right," declared Choate, smiling. "If you had been
+better-looking, I'd have called you a hansom cab."
+
+
+PUZZLE
+
+The humorist offered his latest invention in the way of a puzzle to the
+assembly of guests in the drawing-room:
+
+"Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see; legs and cannot
+walk, but can jump as high as the Woolworth Building?"
+
+Everybody racked his brains during a period of deep silence, and racked
+in vain. Finally, they gave it up and demanded the solution. The
+inventor of the puzzle beamed.
+
+"The answer," he said, "is a wooden horse. It has eyes and cannot see,
+and legs and cannot walk."
+
+"Yes," the company agreed. "But how does it jump as high as the
+Woolworth Building?"
+
+"The Woolworth Building," the humorist explained, "can't jump."
+
+
+QUARRELSOME
+
+The applicant for the position of cook explained to the lady why she had
+left her last place:
+
+"To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master and
+the mistress was always quarreling."
+
+"That must have been unpleasant," the lady agreed.
+
+"Yis, mum," the cook declared, "they was at it all the time. When it
+wasn't me an' him, it was me an' her."
+
+
+QUESTIONS
+
+It was a rule of the club that anyone asking a question which he himself
+could not answer must pay a fine. One of the members presented a
+question as to why a ground-squirrel in digging left no dirt around the
+entrance to its hole. He was finally called on for the answer, and
+explained that of course the squirrel began at the bottom and dug
+upward.
+
+"Excellent!" a listener laughed. "But how does the squirrel manage to
+reach the bottom?"
+
+"That," said the other with a grin, "is your question."
+
+
+RAILROAD
+
+A railroad was opened through a remote region, and on the first run over
+the line, the engineer overtook a country boy riding his horse along the
+road bed. The engineer whistled, and the boy whipped. The train was
+forced to a crawl with the cowcatcher fairly nipping at the horse's
+heels. Finally, the engineer leaned from the cab window and shouted:
+
+"You dum fool, why dont ye git offen the track?"
+
+The fleeting boy screamed an answer:
+
+"No, sirree! Ye'd ketch me in a jiffy on thet-thar ploughed ground."
+
+
+RECOGNITION
+
+The office telephone was out of order. An employee of the company was
+sent to make repairs. After a period of labor, he suggested to the
+gentleman occupying the office the calling up of some one over the wire
+in order to test the working of the instrument. The gentleman obligingly
+called for the number of his own home in the suburbs. When the
+connection was made, he called into the transmitter:
+
+"Maria!" and after a pause, "Maria!" and again "Maria!" There followed a
+few seconds of waiting, and he repeated his call in a peremptory tone,
+"Maria!"
+
+The electric storm that had been gathering broke at this moment. A bolt
+of lightning hit the telephone wires. The gentleman was hurled violently
+under his desk. Presently, he crawled forth in a dazed condition, and
+regarded the repair man plaintively.
+
+"That's her!" he declared. "The telephone works fine."
+
+
+REFORM
+
+Abe Jones was a colored man who made a living by chicken-stealing. He
+was converted at a camp meeting. When the elder was receiving
+testimonies from the mourners' bench, he at last called on Abe:
+
+"Brother," he exhorted, "won't you tell the congregation now what the
+Lord has done for you?"
+
+Abe got to his feet awkwardly, and mumbled his response in a tone tinged
+with bitterness:
+
+"It looks as though the Lawd done ruint me."
+
+
+RELIABILITY
+
+The Southern lady saw old 'Rastus setting out with his fishing tackle
+for a day on the river, and she deemed it a fitting time to rebuke him
+for his notorious idleness, since she and everybody else knew that the
+entire family was supported by the industry of 'Rastus' old wife as a
+washerwoman.
+
+"'Rastus," she said severely, "do you think it's right to leave your
+wife hard at work over the washtub while you pass your time fishing?"
+
+"Yassum, ma'am," replied the old darky earnestly. "It's all right. Mah
+wife don' need any watchin'. She'll wuk jes' as hard as if I was dah."
+
+
+REPENTANCE
+
+"When the Devil was sick, the Devil a monk would be: When the Devil was
+well, the devil a monk was he."
+
+
+REPETITION
+
+The little girl had been naughty in school. By way of punishment, she
+was directed by the teacher to remain in her seat after the session
+until she had written an original composition containing not less than
+fifty words. In a surprisingly short space of time, she offered the
+following, and was duly excused:
+
+"I lost my kitty, and I went out and called, Come, kitty, kitty, kitty,
+kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,
+kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,
+kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,
+kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."
+
+
+RESIGNATION
+
+The physician, afer an examination, addressed the wife of the sick man
+in a tone of grave finality:
+
+"I am afraid your husband is beyond help. I can hold out no hope of his
+recovery."
+
+This candor was offensive to the patient, who protested with what
+violence was permitted by a very scanty breath:
+
+"Here, hold on! What are you gittin' at? I ain't a-goin' to snuff out!"
+
+The wife interposed in a soothing voice:
+
+"You leave it to the doctor, dearie--he knows best."
+
+
+REVOLUTION
+
+At a reception given by the Daughters of the Revolution in New York City
+appeared a woman from one of the Latin-American States. She wore a
+large number of decorations and insignia. It was explained that she was
+a Daughter of all two hundred and thirty-eight revolutions in her own
+country.
+
+
+REWARD OF MERIT
+
+A very tidy young man was distressed by his wife's carelessness in
+attire at home. He was especially annoyed by a torn skirt, which his
+wife was forever pinning and never mending. Being a tidy man, he had
+acquired some skill with a needle in his bachelor days. With the
+intention of administering a rebuke to his wife, he set to work on the
+skirt during her absence and sewed it up neatly. When, on her return
+home, he showed her what he had done, she was touched and kissed him
+tenderly. Soon she left the room, to return with an armful of garments.
+
+"Here are some more for you, darling," she announced happily. "Don't
+hurry. Just do them whenever you have time."
+
+
+REWARD OF VIRTUE
+
+The little boy put a serious question to his mother:
+
+"Please, mama, tell me: If I'm a good boy, and I die, and go to heaven,
+will God give me a nice ickle devil to play with?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The teacher directed the class to compose fiction narrative. The most
+interesting story submitted ran as follows:
+
+"A poor young man fell in love with the daughter of a rich lady who kept
+a candy store. The poor young man could not marry the rich candy lady's
+daughter because he had not money enough to buy any furniture.
+
+"A wicked man offered to give the young man twenty-five dollars if he
+would become a drunkard. The young man wanted the money very much, so he
+could marry the rich candy lady's daughter, but when he got to the
+saloon he turned to the wicked man and said, 'I will not become a
+drunkard even for twenty-five dollars. Get from behind me, Satan.'
+
+"On his way home he found a pocketbook containing a million dollars in
+gold. Then the young lady consented to marry him. They had a beautiful
+wedding, and the next day they had twins. Thus you see that Virtue has
+its own reward."
+
+
+RULING PASSION
+
+Noah Webster, the maker of the dictionary, carried his exact knowledge
+as to the meaning of words into ordinary speech. A story told of
+him--which is, of course, untrue--illustrates the point.
+
+Noah's wife entered the kitchen, to find him kissing the cook.
+
+"Why, Noah," she exclaimed, "I am surprised!"
+
+The lexicographer regarded his wife disapprovingly, and rebuked her:
+
+"_You_ are astonished--_I_ am surprised."
+
+
+SAFETY FIRST
+
+"Come over here!" called a friend to an intoxicated citizen whom he saw
+across the street.
+
+The man addressed blinked and shook his head.
+
+"Come over there?" he called back. "Why, it's all I can do to stay where
+I am."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Amos Perkins was hired in the spring to shoot muskrats, which were
+overrunning the mill dam. An acquaintance paused to chat one day with
+Amos, who was sitting at ease on the bank of the stream, his gun safely
+out of reach.
+
+"I hear the muskrats are undermining the dam," the acquaintance said.
+
+"So they be, so they be!" Amos agreed.
+
+"Hi! there goes one!" cried the visitor, pointing. "Shoot! Why don't you
+shoot, man?"
+
+Amos spat tobacco juice emphatically, and answered: "Huh! think I want
+to lose my job?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The disgruntled fisherman at the club lifted his voice and complained
+loudly. He protested against the base trickery of his two companions on
+the trip.
+
+"It was agreed," he explained, "before we started, that the one who
+caught the first fish must stand treat to a supper. Now, you'd hardly
+believe it, but it's a fact that when we got to fishing, both those
+fellows deliberately refused to pull in their lines when they had bites,
+just so I'd be stuck."
+
+"That was a mean trick," one of the auditors asserted sympathetically.
+"How much did the supper cost you?"
+
+The grouchy fisherman relaxed slightly.
+
+"Oh," he explained, "it wasn't as bad as that. You see, I didn't have
+any bait on my hook."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A G. A. R. veteran told to some members of the American Legion the story
+of a private in the Civil War, who during the first battle of Bull Run
+found a post hole into which he lowered himself, so that only his eyes
+were above the level of the ground. An officer, noting this display of
+cowardice, darted to the spot, and with a threatening gesture of his
+sword, shouted fiercely, "get out of that hole!"
+
+But the skulker did not come out. On the contrary, he put his thumb to
+his nose and waggled his fingers insultingly.
+
+"Not on your life," he retorted. "Hunt a hole for yourself. This belongs
+to me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The woman hesitated over buying the silver service.
+
+"Of course," she said, "I take your word for it that it's solid silver,
+but somehow it doesn't look it."
+
+"A great advantage, ma'am," the shopkeeper declared suavely. "That
+service can be left right out in plain sight, and no burglar will look
+at it twice."
+
+
+SANITY
+
+It is a matter of uncommon knowledge that personal perfection is a most
+trying thing to live with. In the United States recently, a woman sued
+for divorce, alleging in the complaint against her husband that he had
+no faults. It was probably a subtle subconscious realization of the
+unpleasantness, even the unendurableness, of perfection in the domestic
+companionship that caused the obvious misprint in the following extract
+from a Scotch editorial concerning the new divorce legislation:
+
+"But the Bill creates new grounds for the dissolution of the marriage
+bond, which are unknown to the law of Scotland. Cruelty, incurable
+sanity, or habitual drunkenness are proposed as separate grounds of
+divorce."
+
+
+SARCASM
+
+The noted story-teller at a dinner party related an anecdote, and was at
+first gratified by the hearty laughter of an old lady among the guests,
+and later a little suspicious, as her mirth continued. As he stared at
+her, puzzled, she spoke in explanation:
+
+"Oh, that story is such a favorite of mine: the first time I heard it I
+laughed so hard that I kicked the foot-board off my crib."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The ponderous judge interrupted the eloquent lawyer harshly:
+
+"All you say goes in at one ear and out at the other."
+
+"What is to prevent it?" was the retort.
+
+
+SAVING
+
+A servant, who indulged in sprees during which he spent all his money,
+was advised by his master to save against a rainy day. A week later,
+the master inquired if any saving had been accomplished.
+
+"Oh, yes, indeed, sir," the servant responded. "But, you see, sir, it
+rained yesterday, and it all went."
+
+
+SCHEDULE
+
+Cooks' tourists travel exactly according to schedule. The following
+conversation was overheard in Rome between a mother and daughter:
+
+"Is this Rome, ma?"
+
+"What day of the week is it, Matilda?"
+
+"Tuesday. What of it?"
+
+"If it's Tuesday, it must be Rome."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The man about to take a train was worried by the station clocks. There
+was twenty minutes difference between the one in the office and the one
+in the waiting-room. Finally, he questioned a porter. That worthy made a
+careful survey of the two clocks, and shook his head doubtfully. Then,
+he brightened suddenly, and said:
+
+"It don't make a single mite of difference about the clocks. The train
+goes at four-ten, no matter what."
+
+
+SEASICKNESS
+
+On the first morning of the voyage, the vessel ran into a nasty choppy
+sea, which steadily grew worse. There were twenty-five passengers at the
+captain's table for dinner, and he addressed them in an amiable
+welcoming speech:
+
+"I hope that all twenty-five of you will have a pleasant trip." The soup
+appeared, and he continued: "I sincerely hope that this little assembly
+of twenty-four will thoroughly enjoy the voyage. I look upon these
+twenty-two smiling faces as a father upon his family, for I am
+responsible for the safety of this group of seventeen. And now I ask
+that all fourteen of you join me in drinking to a merry trip. Indeed, I
+believe that we eight are most congenial, and I applaud the good fortune
+that brought these three persons to my table. You and I, my dear sir,
+are---- Here, steward, clear away all those dishes, and bring me the
+fish."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The pair on their honeymoon were crossing the Channel, and the movement
+of the waves seemed to be going on right inside the bride. In a fleeting
+moment of internal calm she murmured pathetically to the bridegroom in
+whose arms she was clasped:
+
+"Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy, do you love me?"
+
+"My darling!" he affirmed. "You know I love you with all my heart and
+soul--I worship you, I adore you, my precious oontsy-woontsy!"
+
+The boat reeled, and a sickening pang thrilled through all the
+foundations of the bride's being.
+
+"O dear, O dear!" she gasped. "I hoped that might help a little, but it
+didn't--not a bit!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The seasick voyager on the ocean bowed humbly over the rail and made
+libation to Neptune. The kindly old gentleman who stood near remarked
+sympathetically:
+
+"You have a weak stomach."
+
+The victim paused in his distressing occupation to snort indignantly:
+
+"Weak? Humph! I guess I can throw as far as anybody on this ship."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The wife of the seasick passenger was about to leave the stateroom for
+dinner. She inquired of her husband solicitously:
+
+"George, shall I have the steward bring some dinner to you here?"
+
+"No," was the reply, haltingly given between groans.
+
+"But I wish, my dear, you would ask him to take it on deck and throw it
+over the rail for me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The moralizing gentleman at the club remarked ponderously:
+
+"If there is anything in a man, travel will bring it out."
+
+One who had just landed from a rough crossing agreed bitterly:
+
+"Especially ocean travel."
+
+
+SECTARIAN
+
+Once upon a time a coach was held up by a road-agent. The driver
+explained to the robber that his only passenger was a man, who was
+asleep inside. The highwayman insisted that the traveler be awakened. "I
+want to go through his pockets!" he declared fiercely, with an oath.
+
+The bishop, when aroused, made gentle protests.
+
+"You surely would not rob a poor bishop!" he exclaimed. "I have no money
+worth your attention, and I am engaged on my duties as a bishop."
+
+The robber hesitated.
+
+"A bishop, eh?" he said thoughtfully. "Of what church?"
+
+"The Episcopal."
+
+"The hell you are! That's the church I belong to! So long!... Driver,
+larrup them mules!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A Scotch Presbyterian clergyman tells the story of a parishioner who
+formed a secession with a few others unable to accept the doctrines of
+the church. But when the clergyman asked this man if he and the others
+worshiped together, the answer was:
+
+"No. The fact is, I found that they accepted certain points to which I
+could not agree, so I withdrew from communion with them."
+
+"So, then," the clergyman continued, "I suppose you and your wife carry
+on your devotions together at home."
+
+"No, not exactly," the man admitted. "I found that our views on certain
+doctrines are not in harmony. So, there has been a division between us.
+Now, she worships in the northeast corner of the room and I in the
+southwest."
+
+
+SELF-BETRAYAL
+
+The old lady was very aristocratic, but somewhat prim and precise.
+Nevertheless, when the company had been telling of college pranks, she
+relaxed slightly, and told of a lark that had caused excitement in
+Cambridge when she was a girl there. This was to the effect that two
+maidens of social standing were smuggled into the second-story room of a
+Harvard student for a gay supper. The affair was wholly innocent, but
+secrecy was imperative, to avoid scandal. The meal was hardly begun when
+a thunderous knock of authority came on the door. The young men acted
+swiftly in the emergency. Silently, one of the girls was lowered to the
+ground from the window by a rope knotted under her arms. The second girl
+was then lowered, but the rope broke when the descent was hardly half
+completed.
+
+The old lady had related the incident with increasing animation, and at
+this critical point in the narrative she burst forth:
+
+"And I declare, when that rope broke, I just knew I was going to be
+killed, sure!"
+
+
+SERMON
+
+The aged colored clergyman, who made up in enthusiasm what he lacked in
+education, preached a sermon on the verse of the Psalm, "Awake, Psaltery
+and Harp! I myself will awake right early." The explanation of the
+words, which preceded the exhortation, was as follows:
+
+"Awake, Peasel Tree an' Ha'ap, I myself will awake airly. Dis yere Sam
+was wrote by de prophet Moses. Moses was mighty fond o' playin' on de
+ha'ap all de day long, an' at night when he went to bed he'd hang up de
+ha'ap on de limb ob a Peasel tree what grew on de outside o' de window,
+an' in de mawnin', when de sun would get up an' shine in his face, he'd
+jump out o' bed, an' exclaim, 'Wake, Peasel Tree an' Ha'ap! I myself
+will awake airly!'"
+
+
+SCAPEGOAT
+
+Cousin Willie, aged ten, came for a visit to Johnnie, aged twelve.
+Johnnie's mother directed him to take the visitor out to play with his
+boy friends in the neighborhood.
+
+"And be sure to have lots of fun," she added.
+
+On the return of the boys, Willie, the guest, appeared somewhat
+downcast, but Johnnie was radiant.
+
+"Did you have a good time?" his mother asked.
+
+"Bully!" Johnnie answered.
+
+"And lots of fun?"
+
+"Oh, yes!"
+
+"But Willie doesn't look very happy," Johnnie's mother said doubtfully.
+
+"Well, you see," Johnnie answered, beaming, "the rest of us, we had our
+fun with Willie."
+
+
+SHEEP AND GOATS
+
+The little girl was deeply impressed by the clergyman's sermon as to the
+separation of the sheep and the goats. That night after she had gone to
+bed, she was heard sobbing, and the mother went to her, to ask what was
+the matter.
+
+"It's about the goats!" Jenny confessed at last. "I'm so afraid I am a
+goat, and so I'll never go to heaven. Oh, I'm so afraid I'm a goat!"
+
+"My dear," the mother assured her weeping child. "You're a sweet little
+lamb. If you were to die to-night, you would go straight to heaven." Her
+words were successful in quieting the little girl, and she slept.
+
+But the following night Jenny was found crying again in her bed, and
+when her mother appeared she wailed:
+
+"I'm afraid about the goats."
+
+"But mother has told you that you are a little lamb, and that you must
+never worry over being a goat."
+
+Jenny, however, was by no means comforted, and continued her sobs.
+
+"Yes, mamma," she declared sadly, "I know that. But I'm afraid--awful
+afraid you're a goat!"
+
+
+SHIFTLESSNESS
+
+The shiftless man, who preferred reading to labor, closed the book on
+French history, which he had been perusing with great interest, and
+addressed his wife.
+
+"Do you know, Mary," he asked impressively, "what I would have done if I
+had been in Napoleon's place?"
+
+"Certainly!" the wife snapped. "You'd have settled right down on a farm
+in Corsica, and let it run itself."
+
+
+SHIPWRECK
+
+The new member of the club listened with solemn interest to the various
+stories that were told in the smoking room. They were good stories, and
+obviously lies, and each of them was a bigger lie than any that had gone
+before. Finally, the company insisted that the new member should relate
+a tale. He refused at first, but under pressure yielded, and gave a
+vivid account of a shipwreck at sea during one of his voyages. He
+described the stress of the terrible situation with such power that his
+hearers were deeply impressed. He reached the point in his account where
+only the captain and himself and half a dozen others were left aboard
+the doomed vessel, after the last of the boats had been lowered.
+
+"And then," he concluded, "a vast wave came hurtling down on us. It was
+so huge that it shut out all the sky. It crashed over the already
+sinking ship in a torrent of irresistible force. Under that dreadful
+blow the laboring vessel sank, and all those left on board of her were
+drowned."
+
+The narrator paused and there was a period of tense silence. But
+presently someone asked:
+
+"And you--what became of you?"
+
+"Oh, I," was the reply, "why I was drowned with the rest of them."
+
+
+SLANDER
+
+The business man's wife, who had called at his office, regarded the
+pretty young stenographer with a baleful eye.
+
+"You told me that your typewriter was an old maid," she accused.
+
+The husband, at a loss, faltered in his reply, but at last contrived:
+
+"Yes, but she's sick to-day, and sent her grandchild in her place."
+
+
+SLAVERY
+
+A traveler in the South chatted with an aged negro, whom he met in the
+road.
+
+"And I suppose you were once a slave?" he remarked.
+
+"Yes, suh," the old colored man answered.
+
+"And, so, after the war, you gained your freedom," the gentleman
+continued.
+
+But the ancient one shook his head sadly.
+
+"No, suh," he declared with great emphasis. "Not perzactly, suh. I
+didn't git mah freedom, suh, after de war--I done got married!"
+
+
+SMELLS
+
+An argument arose among a number of British officers during their time
+of service in the Dardanelles, and wagers were made among them. The
+question at issue was as to which smells the louder, a goat or a Turk.
+The colonel was made arbiter. He sat judicially in his tent, and a goat
+was brought in. The colonel fainted. After the officer had been revived,
+and was deemed able to continue his duty as referee, a Turk was brought
+into the tent. The goat fainted.
+
+
+SOCIAL UPLIFT
+
+The somewhat unpleasant person, who was a social worker, completed her
+call on a dweller in the tenement district, and rose to depart. The
+unwilling hostess shook her head at the visitor's promise to come again.
+
+"And excuse me if I don't return the call," she vouchsafed. "Myself,
+I've got no time to go slummin'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The philanthropic hostess entertained a party of children from
+the slums at her home. She addressed one particularly pretty and
+intelligent-looking little girl, who listened shyly. She urged the child
+to speak without embarrassment. The little one complied, aspiring:
+
+"How many children have you?"
+
+"Six," the hostess answered, in surprise.
+
+"What a big family! You must be sure to look after them properly, and be
+very careful to keep them clean."
+
+"I'll try to, certainly," the lady declared, much amused.
+
+"Has your husband got a job?" the girl demanded crisply.
+
+"Well, no," the hostess admitted.
+
+"How unfortunate! You know you must keep out of debt."
+
+"Really, you must not be impertinent," was the reproof.
+
+"No, ma'am," the child responded simply, "mother said I must talk like a
+lady, and that's the way the ladies talk when they come to see us."
+
+
+SPANKING
+
+Back in those days when corporal punishment was permitted to teachers, a
+minor teacher named Miss Bings complained to one of her superiors, Miss
+Manners, that she had spanked one particular boy, Thomas, until she
+could spank him no more for physical fatigue.
+
+"When you want him spanked again, send him to me," Miss Manners said.
+
+Next morning, Thomas came into the presence of Miss Manners, displaying
+an air that was downcast. The teacher regarded him with suspicion.
+
+"Did you come from Miss Bings?" she asked sharply.
+
+"Yes, ma'am," Thomas admitted.
+
+"I thought as much!" On the instant, she skillfully inverted the
+youngster over her lap, and whacked him in a most spirited manner. This
+duty done, as the wailings of the boy died away, she demanded sternly:
+
+"And now what have you to say?"
+
+"Please, ma'am," Thomas answered brokenly, "Miss Bings wants the
+scissors!"
+
+
+SPEED
+
+In the business college, the instructor addressed the new class
+concerning the merits of shorthand. In his remarks, he included this
+statement:
+
+"It is a matter of record that it took the poet Gray seven years to
+write his famous poem, 'Elegy in a Country Churchyard.' Had he been
+proficient in stenography, he could have done it in seven minutes. We
+have had students who have written it in that length of time."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young lady interested in botany inquired of the gentleman who had
+been traveling in the South.
+
+"What sort of a plant is the Virginia creeper?"
+
+"That is not a plant," was the answer, given wearily; "it's a railroad."
+
+
+SPELLING
+
+Some time before Mr. Taft became President of the United States, he took
+an extended trip in the mountains of West Virginia. On one occasion, he
+was conveyed along the mountain roads in a buggy driven by a native of
+the region. As they came to a small stream, Mr. Taft, without any
+particular interest, inquired concerning the brook's name. So far as he
+could understand, the answer was:
+
+"This here are Swum-swum Crick."
+
+"What?" Mr. Taft demanded.
+
+In the repetition, the words sounded like:
+
+"This here are Swoovel Crick."
+
+The questioner was so puzzled that he asked the mountaineer how the name
+of the Creek was spelled.
+
+The native spat tobacco juice reflectively over the wheel, and then
+spoke judicially:
+
+"Waal, some spells it one way, an' some spells it another way; but in my
+jedgmint thar are no propeer way."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The clerk of the court directed the witness to spell his name. The man
+started his reply thus:
+
+"_O_ double _t_, _i_ double _u_, _e_ double _l_, double _u_, double----"
+
+The clerk interrupted:
+
+"Please, begin again."
+
+The witness complied glibly:
+
+"_O_ double _t_, _i_ double _u_, _e_ double _l_, double _u_, double
+_o_----"
+
+The clerk groaned. The judge himself intervened: "What is your name?"
+
+"Your Honor, it is Ottiwell Wood. I spell it: _O_ double _t_, _i_ double
+_u_, _e_ double _l_, double _u_, double _o_, _d_."
+
+
+SPINSTERHOOD
+
+The old colored mammy took advantage of a wedding announcement to
+question her mistress, who remained a spinster still though approaching
+middle age.
+
+"When is you gwine to git married, missy?"
+
+"I don't know, mammy," was the thoughtful reply. "Really, I don't think
+I'll ever get married."
+
+A note of sadness in the speaker's voice moved the old woman to attempt
+philosophical consolation:
+
+"Well, they do say as how ole maids am the happies' kind after they
+quits strugglin'."
+
+
+SPITE
+
+The faithful old employee asked for a day off. The request was granted,
+with an inquiry as to what he intended to do on his holiday.
+
+"I think," came the cautious answer, "I shall go to my wife's funeral.
+She died the other day."
+
+A few weeks later, the request for a day off was repeated.
+
+"And what are you going to do this time?" the employer asked.
+
+"I think, mebbe, I'll get married."
+
+"What! So soon after burying your wife?"
+
+The faithful old employee smiled tolerantly, as he answered:
+
+"Oh, well, I was never one to hold spite."
+
+
+SPORTSMANSHIP
+
+In the party out after reed birds was a tyro at the sport. When at last
+he saw one of the birds walking about, he plumped down on his stomach,
+and took aim. A companion called to him sharply:
+
+"You're not going to shoot the bird while it's walking?"
+
+"No," was the firm response; "I'll wait till it stops."
+
+
+SPRING
+
+The teacher talked on the four seasons, telling how in the spring the
+new life comes to the earth, with the growth of grasses and leaves and
+flowers, how this life matures in summer, and so on, and so on. Then she
+called on the class to repeat the information she had given. She asked
+one little boy about spring.
+
+"What do we find in the spring, George?"
+
+George seemed very reluctant to answer, but when the teacher insisted he
+at last said:
+
+"Why, ma'am, there's a frog, an' a lizard, an' a snake, an' a dead cat,
+but I didn't put the cat there. It was another boy."
+
+
+STAMMERING
+
+On the occasion of a most interesting family event, Mr. Peedle, who
+desired a son, paced the drawing-room in extreme agitation, until at
+last the doctor appeared in the doorway.
+
+"Oh, oh, tell me," he gasped, "what is it--a boy or a girl?"
+
+"Tr-tr-tr--" the physician began stammeringly.
+
+Peedle paled.
+
+"Triplets! Merciful providence!"
+
+"Qu-qu-qu--" spluttered the doctor.
+
+Peedle paled some more.
+
+"Quadruplets!" he moaned.
+
+"N-n-no!" the physician snapped. "Qu-qu-quite the contrary. Tr-tr-try to
+take it qu-quietly. It's a girl."
+
+
+STYLE
+
+Two old friends met, and immediately found that they were equally
+devoted to motoring. After a discussion of their various cars, one
+bethought himself to ask concerning the other's wife, whom he had never
+seen. That lady was described by her husband, as follows:
+
+"Nineteen-six model, limousine so to say, heavy tread, runs on low."
+
+"Self-starter?"
+
+"You bet!"
+
+
+SUNDAY SCHOOL
+
+The young lady worker for the Sunday school called on the newly wedded
+pair.
+
+"I am endeavoring to secure new scholars," she explained. "Won't you
+send your children?"
+
+When she was informed that there were no children in the family as yet,
+she continued brightly:
+
+"But won't you please send them when you do have them?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The Sunday-school teacher examined his new class.
+
+"Who made the world?" he demanded. Nobody seemed to know. He repeated
+the question somewhat sternly. As the silence persisted, he frowned and
+spoke with increased severity:
+
+"Children, I must know who made the world!"
+
+Then, at last, a small boy piped up in much agitation:
+
+"Oh, sir, please, sir, it wasn't me!"
+
+
+SUPERMAN
+
+It is told of Mrs. Gladstone that a number of ladies in her drawing-room
+once became engaged in earnest discussion of a difficult problem. It
+chanced that at the time the great prime minister was in his study
+upstairs. As the argument in the drawing-room became hopelessly
+involved, a devout lady of the company took advantage of a lull to say:
+
+"Ah, well, there is One above Who knows it all."
+
+Mrs. Gladstone beamed.
+
+"Yes," she said proudly. "And William will be down directly to tell us
+all about it."
+
+
+SUPERSTITION
+
+The superstitious sporting editor of the paper condemned the "Horse
+Fair" by Rosa Bonheur.
+
+"Just look at those white horses!" he exclaimed disgustedly. "And not a
+red-headed girl in sight."
+
+
+SUSPENSE
+
+The passionate lover wrote to his inamorata as follows:
+
+"Adored of my soul:--If you love me, wear a red rose in your corsage
+to-night at the opera. If my devotion to you is hopeless, wear a white
+rose."
+
+She wore a yellow rose.
+
+
+SUSPICION
+
+The eminent politicians of opposing parties met on a train, and during
+their chat discovered that they agreed concerning primaries.
+
+"It is the first time," said one, "that we have ever agreed on a matter
+of public policy."
+
+"That is so," the other assented. "The fact leads me to suspect that I
+am wrong, after all in this matter of the primaries."
+
+
+SYMPATHY
+
+A tramp devised a new scheme for working on the sympathy of the
+housewife. After ringing the front door bell, he got on his knees, and
+began nibbling at the grass of the lawn. Presently the woman opened the
+door, and, in surprise at sight of him on all fours, asked what he was
+doing there.
+
+The tramp got to his feet shakily, and made an eloquent clutch at his
+stomach as he explained:
+
+"Dear madam, I am so hungry that like Nebuchadnezzar I just had to take
+to eatin' grass."
+
+"Well, well, now ain't that too bad!" the woman cried. "You go right
+into the back yard--the grass there is longer."
+
+
+TACT
+
+The senator from Utah was able to disarm by flattery the resentment of a
+woman at a reception in Washington, who upbraided him for that plurality
+of wives so dear to Mormon precept and practice.
+
+"Alas, madam," the senator declared with a touch of sadness in his
+voice, "we are compelled in Utah to marry a number of wives."
+
+His fair antagonist was frankly surprised.
+
+"What do you mean?" she demanded.
+
+The senator explained suavely:
+
+"We have to seek there in several women the splendid qualities that here
+are to be found in one."
+
+
+TALKING MACHINE
+
+Many a man who has suffered from tongue-lashings at home will be moved
+to profound sympathy for the victim described as follows in a local news
+item of a country paper:
+
+"Alice Jardine, a married woman, was charged with unlawfully wounding
+her husband, Charles Jardine, a laborer, by striking him with a pair of
+tongues."
+
+
+TAR AND FEATHERS
+
+The victim of the Klu Klux Klan plucked some feathers from his neck with
+one hand, while he picked gingerly at the tar on his legs with the
+other.
+
+"The excitement," he murmured, "rose to a terrible pitch, but it soon
+came down."
+
+
+TASTE
+
+A noted humorist once spent a few weeks with a tribe of western Indians.
+On his return, he was asked concerning his experiences. One question
+was:
+
+"Did you ever taste any dog-feast stew?"
+
+"Yes," was the melancholy reply. "I tasted it twice--once when it went
+down, and once when it came up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+It's all a matter of taste, as the old lady said when she kissed the
+cow.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The master of the house was hungry at breakfast, and swallowed a good
+part of his bacon before he tasted it. Then he took time to protest
+violently to his wife against the flavor of the food. The good lady
+offered no apology, but rang for the servant. When the latter appeared,
+the mistress asked a question that was little calculated to soothe her
+husband.
+
+"Maggie," she inquired serenely, "what did you do with the bacon we
+poisoned for the rats?"
+
+
+TEARS
+
+The kind lady stopped to tell the sobbing little girl not to cry, and
+she offered as a convincing argument:
+
+"You know it makes little girls homely."
+
+The child stared belligerently at the benevolent lady, and then
+remarked:
+
+"You must have cried an awful lot when you was young."
+
+
+TENDER MEMORIES
+
+"Please tell me, James," directed the young lady teacher, "where
+shingles were first used?"
+
+"I could, ma'am," little Jimmie replied in great embarrassment, "but I'd
+rather not."
+
+
+TERMINOLOGY
+
+When the bishop was entertained at an English country house, the butler
+coached carefully the new boy who was to carry up the jug of hot water
+for shaving in the morning.
+
+"When you knock," the butler explained, "and he asks, 'Who's there?'
+then you must say, 'It's the boy, my Lord.'"
+
+The lad, in much nervous trepidation, duly carried up the hot water, but
+in answer to the bishop's query as to who was at the door, he announced:
+
+"It's the Lord, my boy!"
+
+The butler overheard and was horrified. He hammered into the youth's
+consciousness, the fact that a bishop must be addressed as my lord.
+Finally, he was satisfied that the boy understood, and permitted him to
+assist in serving the dinner that night. The youngster was sent to the
+bishop to offer a plate of cheese. With shaking knees, he presented the
+dish to the prelate, and faltered:
+
+"My God, will you have some cheese?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The master of the house returned from business somewhat early. He did
+not find his wife about, and so called downstairs to the cook:
+
+"Bridget, do you know anything of my wife's whereabouts?"
+
+"No, sor," Bridget answered, "Sure, I know nothin' but I'm thinkin',
+sor, it's likely they're in the wash."
+
+
+TESTIMONY
+
+Paul Smith, the famous hotel-keeper in the Adirondacks, told of a law
+suit that he had with a man named Jones in Malone.
+
+"It was this way: I sat in the courtroom before the case opened with my
+witnesses around me. Then Jones bustled in. He stopped abruptly, and
+looked my witnesses over carefully. Presently he turned to me.
+
+"'Paul,' he asked, 'are those your witnesses?'
+
+"'They are,' I replied.
+
+"'Then you win,' he exclaimed. 'I've had them witnesses twice myself.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The grateful woman on the farm in Arkansas wrote to the vendors of the
+patent medicine:
+
+"Four weeks ago I was so run down that I could not spank the baby. After
+taking three bottles of your Elegant Elixir I am now able to thrash my
+husband in addition to my other housework. God bless you!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+In one of the most desolate areas of Montana, a claim was taken by a man
+from Iowa. The nearest neighbor, from twenty miles away, visited the
+homesteader's shack, and introduced himself.
+
+"Where did you come from?" the visitor inquired presently, and when he
+had been told:
+
+"I can't understand why anybody should want to get out of that civilized
+country to come and live in this lonesomeness."
+
+"Fact was," the man from Iowa explained somberly, "I didn't exactly like
+it down there any more. You see, it was this way. They got to telling
+things about me. Why, they even said I was a liar and hoss thief, and no
+better than I ought to be. And, by Jemima, I jest pulled out and went
+right away from them scandalous folks."
+
+"Well, I swan!" the visitor exclaimed indignantly. "You can bet I
+wouldn't leave a place for any reason like that. I'd make them prove
+what they said."
+
+The homesteader sighed dismally as he answered:
+
+"That's jest the trouble--they did prove it!"
+
+
+THREAT
+
+The mother, who was a believer in strict discipline, sternly addressed
+her little daughter, who sat wofully shrinking in the dentist's chair as
+the ogre approached forceps in hand:
+
+"Now, Letty, if you cry, I'll never take you to the dentist's again."
+
+
+THRIFT
+
+A Scotchman was questioned by a friend:
+
+"Mac, I hear ye have fallen in love wi' bonny Kate McAllister."
+
+"Weel, Sanders," Mac replied, "I was near--veera near--doin' it, but the
+bit lassy had nae siller, so I said to meaself, 'Mac, be a mon.' And I
+was a mon, and noo I jist pass her by."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The thrifty housewife regarded her dying husband with stern disapproval
+as he moaned and tossed restlessly from side to side.
+
+"William Henry," she rebuked him, "you jest needn't kick and squirm so,
+and wear them best sheets all out, even if you be a-dyin'."
+
+
+TIME FLIES
+
+The ardent lover heard the clock strike the hours--first nine, then ten,
+then eleven. At the sound of twelve strokes, he burst forth
+passionately:
+
+"How fleet are the hours in your presence, my beloved!"
+
+"Don't be silly!" the girl chided. "That's pa setting the clock."
+
+
+TIT FOR TAT
+
+The prize bull-dog attacked a farmer, who defended himself with a
+pitchfork, and in doing so killed the dog. The owner was greatly
+distressed, and reproached the farmer.
+
+"Why didn't you use the other end of the fork," he demanded, "and just
+beat him off, without killing him?"
+
+"I would have," the farmer answered, "if he had come at me with the
+other end."
+
+
+TOBACCO
+
+The native pointed with pride to two doddering ancients hobbling
+painfully down the village street, and informed the stranger:
+
+"Them fellers is the Dusenbury twins--ninety-eight year old!" The
+visitor was duly impressed, and asked to what the pair of venerable
+citizens attributed their long life.
+
+"It's kind o' which and t' other," the native confessed. "Obadiah
+declares its all along o' his chewin' an' smokin' an' snuffin' day in
+an' day out, fer nigh onto a hundred year; an' Ebenezer declares he has
+his health becase he never touched the filthy weed."
+
+
+TOILETTE DETAILS
+
+The little girl who had observed certain details in the toilette
+preparations of her elders, was observed by her mother at work over her
+most elaborate doll in a somewhat strange manner.
+
+"Whatever are you trying to do with your doll, Mary?" the mother asked.
+
+"I'm just going to put her to bed, mummy," the child replied seriously.
+"I've taken off her hair, but I can't get her teeth out."
+
+
+TONGUE
+
+An old lady in the London parish of the famous Doctor Gill made a
+nuisance of herself by constant interference in the affairs of others.
+As a gossip she was notorious. It appeared to her that the neckbands
+worn by the Doctor were longer than was fitting. She therefore took
+occasion to visit the clergyman, and harangued him at length on the
+sinfulness of pride. Then she exhibited a pair of scissors, and
+suggested that she should cut down the offending neckbands to a size
+fitting her ideas of propriety. The Doctor listened patiently to her
+exhortation, and at the end offered her the neckbands on which to work
+her will. She triumphantly trimmed them to her taste, and returned the
+shorn remnants to the minister.
+
+"And now," said the Doctor, "you must do me a good turn also."
+
+"That I will, Doctor," the woman declared heartily. "What can it be?"
+
+"Well," the clergyman explained, "you have something about you which is
+a deal too long and which causes me and many others such trouble, that I
+should like to see it shorter."
+
+"Indeed, dear Doctor, I shall not hesitate to gratify you. What is it?
+See, here are the scissors! Use them as you please."
+
+"Come, then," said the Doctor, "good sister, put out your tongue."
+
+
+TREACHERY
+
+The Italian workman in the West was warned to look out for rattlesnakes.
+He was assured, however, that a snake would never strike until after
+sounding the rattles. One day, while seated on a log, eating his lunch,
+the Italian saw a rattlesnake coiled ready to strike. He lifted his legs
+carefully, with the intention of darting away on the other side of the
+log the moment the rattles should sound their warning. But just as his
+feet cleared the top of the log, the snake struck out and its fangs were
+buried in the wood only the fraction of an inch below the Italian's
+trousers. The frightened man fled madly, but he took breath to shriek
+over his shoulder:
+
+"Son of a gun! Why you no ringa da bell?"
+
+
+TREASURE TROVE
+
+An old negro, who had almost attained the century mark, nearly blind,
+almost completely disabled, without friends, relations, or money, felt
+himself about to die, and stealthily made his way into a farmer's barn,
+where he burrowed into the haymow. But the farmer had observed the man's
+entrance, and after getting his shotgun, he hurried to the barn.
+
+"I got you!" he cried savagely. "Dog gone you! I got you!"
+
+The moribund derelict thrust his black face from the mow, and showed his
+toothless gums in a grin, as he answered:
+
+"An' a great git you got!"
+
+
+TRIAL
+
+The colored man was before the court, accused of horse-stealing. The
+prosecuting attorney read the indictment sternly, and then asked:
+
+"Are you guilty, or not guilty?"
+
+The prisoner wriggled perplexedly, and then grinned propitiatingly as he
+said:
+
+"Now, suh, boss, ain't dat perzakly de ting we'se done gwine diskiver in
+dis-yere trial?"
+
+
+TRIPLETS
+
+When the domestic event was due, the prospective father, being ordered
+out of the house, celebrated the occasion with many friends in a number
+of saloons. He celebrated so well that the clock was striking three in
+the morning when he entered the house. A nurse hurried to him, and undid
+some wrappings that revealed three tiny faces. The father stared
+reproachfully at the clock in the hall, and then, again regarding his
+group of children, spoke earnestly:
+
+"Oi'm not superstitious, but Oi thank hivin Oi didn't come home at
+twelve!"
+
+
+TRUTH-TELLERS
+
+The little girl evidently appreciated the fact that all men and women
+are liars, for _Punch_ records the following as the dialogue between her
+and her mother when she had been caught in a fib:
+
+_Mother:_ "It is very naughty to tell untruths, Kitty. Those who do so,
+never go to heaven."
+
+_Kitty:_ "Don't you ever tell an untruth, Mummy?"
+
+_Mother:_ "No, dear--never."
+
+_Kitty:_ "Well, you'll be fearfully lonely, won't you, with only George
+Washington?"
+
+
+TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR
+
+The woman lecturing on dress reform was greatly shocked when she read
+the report as published in the local paper. The writer had been innocent
+enough, for his concluding sentence was:
+
+"The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing that was remarkable."
+
+But the merry compositor inserted a period, which was left undisturbed
+by the proofreader, so that the published statement ran:
+
+"The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing. That was remarkable."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The poet, in a fine frenzy, dashed off a line that was really superb:
+
+"See the pale martyr in his sheet of fire."
+
+The devilish compositor so tangled the words that, when the poem was
+published, this line read:
+
+"See the pale martyr with his shirt on fire."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The critic, in his review of the burlesque, wrote:
+
+"The ladies of Prince Charming's household troops filled their parts to
+perfection."
+
+The compositor, in his haste, read an _n_ for the _r_ in the word
+_parts_, and the sentence, thus changed, radically in its significance,
+duly appeared in the morning paper.
+
+
+VALUES
+
+An American girl who married a Bavarian baron enjoyed playing Lady
+Bountiful among the tenants on her husband's estate. On the death of the
+wife of one of the cottagers, she called to condole with the bereaved
+widower. She uttered her formal expressions of sympathy with him in his
+grief over the loss of his wife, and she was then much disconcerted by
+his terse optimistic comment:
+
+"But it's a good thing, your ladyship, that it wasn't the cow."
+
+Wives are to be had for the asking; cows are not.
+
+
+VANITY
+
+The fair penitent explained to the confessor how greatly she was grieved
+by an accusing conscience. She bewailed the fact that she was sadly
+given over to personal vanity. She added that on this very morning she
+had gazed into her mirror and had yielded to the temptation of thinking
+herself beautiful.
+
+"Is that all, my daughter?" the priest demanded.
+
+"Then, my daughter," the confessor bade her, "go in peace, for to be
+mistaken is not to sin."
+
+
+VICTORY
+
+That celebrated statue, the Winged Victory, has suffered during the
+centuries to the extent of losing its head and other less vital parts.
+When the Irish tourist was confronted by this battered figure in the
+museum, and his guide had explained that this was the famous statue of
+victory, he surveyed the marble form with keen interest.
+
+"Victory, is ut?" he said, "Thin, begorra, Oi'd loike to see the other
+fellow."
+
+
+WAR
+
+A report has come from Mexico concerning the doings of three
+revolutionary soldiers who visited a ranch, which was the property of an
+American spinster and her two nieces. The girls are pretty and
+charming, but the aunt is somewhat elderly and much faded, though
+evidently of a dauntless spirit. The three soldiers looked over the
+property and the three women, and then declared that they were tired of
+fighting, and had decided to marry the women and make their home on the
+ranch.
+
+The two girls were greatly distressed and terrified, but even in their
+misery they were unselfish.
+
+"We are but two helpless women," they said in effect, "and if we must,
+we bow to our cruel fate. But please--oh, please--spare our dear auntie.
+Do not marry her."
+
+At this point, their old-maid relation spoke up for herself:
+
+"Now, now, you girls--you mind your own business. War is war."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"How do countries come to go to war?" the little boy inquired, looking
+up from his book.
+
+"For various reasons," explained the father. "Now, there was Germany and
+Russia. They went to war because the Russians mobilized."
+
+"Not at all, my dear," the wife interrupted. "It was because the
+Austrians--"
+
+"Tut, tut, my love!" the husband remonstrated. "Don't you suppose I
+know?"
+
+"Certainly not--you are all wrong. It was because--"
+
+"Mrs. Perkins, I tell you it was because--"
+
+"Benjamin, you ought to know better, you have boggled--"
+
+"Your opinion, madam, has not been requested in this matter."
+
+"Shut up! I won't have my child mistaught by an ignoramus."
+
+"Don't you dare, you impudent--"
+
+"And don't you dare bristle at me, or I'll--"
+
+"Oh, never mind!" the little boy intervened. "I think I know now how
+wars begin."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+At our entry into the World War, a popular young man enlisted and before
+setting forth for camp in his uniform made a round of farewell calls.
+The girl who first received him made an insistent demand:
+
+"You'll think of me every single minute when you're in those stupid old
+trenches!"
+
+"Every minute," he agreed solemnly.
+
+"And you'll kiss my picture every night."
+
+"Twice a night," he vowed, with the girl's pretty head on the shoulder
+of the new uniform coat.
+
+"And you'll write me long, long letters?" she pleaded.
+
+"I'll write every spare minute," he assured her, "and if I haven't any
+spare minutes, I'll take 'em anyhow."
+
+After a tender interval punctuated with similar ardent promises, he went
+away from there, and called on another girl. In fact, he called on ten
+separate and distinct pretty girls, and each of them was tender and
+sought his promises, which he gave freely and ardently and when it was
+all done with, he communed with himself somewhat sadly.
+
+"I do hope," he said wearily, "there won't be much fighting to do over
+there--for I'm going to be awfully busy."
+
+
+WEATHER
+
+The old colored attendant at the court house had a formula for
+addressing the judge:
+
+"What's the news this mawnin', Jedge?"
+
+And the judge's habitual reply was to the effect that there was no news
+in particular.
+
+But one morning, in answer to the usual query, there came a variation:
+
+"Our country has declared war against Spain." The darky scratched his
+head thoughtfully, then rolled his eyes to squint at the cloudless blue
+of the sky, and finally remarked in a pleased tone:
+
+"They shohly done picked a fine day fer it."
+
+
+WHALES
+
+At the time when petroleum began to be used instead of whale oil for
+burning in lamps, a kindly old lady was deeply perturbed by the change.
+
+"What," she wanted to know, "will the poor whales do now?"
+
+
+WHISKERS
+
+An elderly man was on his way home by train from a session of three days
+at a convention of his political party. (This was antedating the era of
+prohibition.) The man's personal preferences had been gratified in the
+nominations at the convention, and he had celebrated in a way only too
+common in the bibulous period of our history. His absorption in other
+things and of other things had led him to neglect shaving throughout the
+three days. Now, as he chanced to move his hand over his chin, it
+encountered the long growth of white bristles, and he was aroused to a
+realization of his neglect. To determine just how badly he needed a
+shave, the elderly gentleman opened his handbag, and fumbled in it for a
+mirror. In his confused condition, he seized on a silver-backed
+hair-brush of the same set, pulled it forth, and held it up to his face
+with the bristles toward him. He studied these with great care, groaned
+and muttered:
+
+"I look worse than I thought for. Whatever will Sarah Ann say!"
+
+
+WIDOW
+
+One of the ladies assembled at the club was describing the wedding she
+had just attended:
+
+"And then, just as Frank and the widow started up the aisle to the
+altar, every light in the church went out."
+
+The listeners exclaimed over the catastrophe.
+
+"And what did the couple do then?" someone questioned.
+
+"Kept on going. The widow knew the way."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A widow visited a spiritualistic medium, who satisfactorily produced
+the deceased husband for a domestic chat.
+
+"Dear John," the widow questioned eagerly, "are you happy now?"
+
+"I am very happy," the spook assured her.
+
+"Happier than you were on earth with me?" the widow continued, greatly
+impressed.
+
+"Yes," John asserted, "I am far happier now than I was on earth with
+you."
+
+"Oh, do tell me, John," the widow cried rapturously, "what is it like in
+heaven?"
+
+"Heaven!" the answer snapped. "I ain't in heaven!"
+
+
+WIDOWHOOD
+
+During the parade at the last encampment of the G.A.R., a woman in the
+crowd of spectators made herself not only conspicuous, but rather a
+nuisance by the way she carried on. She waved a flag with such vigor as
+to endanger the bystanders and yelled to deafen them. An annoyed man in
+the crowd after politely requesting her to moderate her enthusiasm,
+quite without effect, bluntly told her to shut up.
+
+"Shut up yourself!" she retorted in high indignation. "If you had buried
+two husbands who had served in the war, you would be hurrahing, too."
+
+
+WIFE
+
+A young skeptic in the congregation once interrupted Billy Sunday with
+the question:
+
+"Who was Cain's wife?"
+
+The Evangelist answered in all seriousness:
+
+"I honor every seeker after knowledge of the truth. But I have a word of
+warning for this questioner. Don't risk losing salvation by too much
+inquiring after other men's wives."
+
+
+WILD WOMEN
+
+The old sea captain was surrounded at the tea party, to which his wife
+had dragged him, much against his will, by a group of women pestering
+him for a story from his adventures. Finally, at the end of his
+patience, he began.
+
+"Once, I was shipwrecked on the coast of South America, and there I came
+across a tribe of wild women, who had no tongues."
+
+"Mercy!" exclaimed all the fair listeners with one voice. "But they
+couldn't talk."
+
+"That," snapped the old sea captain, "was what made them wild."
+
+
+WISDOM
+
+It's a wise child that goes out of the room to laugh when the old man
+mashes his thumb.
+
+
+WOMAN
+
+A cynic, considering the fact that women was the last thing made by God,
+asserts that the product shows both His experience and His fatigue.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The following extract is from the diary of a New England woman who lived
+in the eighteenth century:
+
+"We had roast pork for dinner and the Doctor, who carved, held up a rib
+on his fork, and said: 'Here, ladies, is what Mother Eve was made of.'"
+
+"'Yes,' said sister Patty, 'and it is from very much the same kind of
+critter'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The little girl reported at home what she had learned at Sunday School
+concerning the creation of Adam and Eve:
+
+"The teacher told us how God made the first man and the first woman. He
+made the man first. But the man was very lonely with nobody to talk to
+him. So God put the man to sleep. And while the man was asleep, God took
+out his brains, and made a woman of them."
+
+
+WOMAN SUFFRAGE
+
+During the agitation in behalf of woman's suffrage, an ardent advocate
+pleaded with a tired-looking married woman, and said:
+
+"Just think! Wouldn't you love to go with your husband to the voting
+place, and there cast your vote along with his?"
+
+The woman shook her head decisively and she answered:
+
+"For goodness sake! If there's one single thing that a man's able to do
+by himself, let him do it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following pages have been selected and edited by "Life's" famous
+contributor
+
++ A. C.
+
+
+HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL
+
+_Oldest Inhabitant:_ "I never expected to live till the end of the War,
+Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next
+one."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"That's Betty Grant's new maid."
+
+"She's much smarter than her mistress."
+
+"Well, they can't _both_ afford to dress like that."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Father:_ "Don't know the French for cat, and you had a French nurse for
+years!"
+
+_Hopeful:_ "But, Dad, we hadn't got a cat when Adele was with us."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Betty_ (_after flash of lightning_): "Count quickly, Jenny! Make it as
+far away as you possibly can."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Employer:_ "John, I wish you wouldn't whistle at your work."
+
+_Boy:_ "I wasn't working, Sir; only whistling."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, how _did_ you break that vase?"
+
+_Maid:_ "I'm very sorry, Mum; I was accidentally dusting."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Little Girl_ (_in foreground_): "Mother, I suppose the bridegroom
+_must_ come to his wedding."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mistress:_ "I hope you're doing what you can to economise the food."
+
+_Cook:_ "Oh, yes'm. We've put the cat on milk-an'-water."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Raw Hand_ (_at sea for first time and observing steamer's red and green
+lights_): "'Ere's some lights on the starboard side, Sir."
+
+_Officer:_ "Well, what is it?"
+
+_R. H.:_ "Looks to me like a drug store, Sir."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Can you play bridge to-night?"
+
+"Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner."
+
+"What--do you like the stuff?"
+
+"Frankly, no; but I've heard on the best authority that his music's very
+much better than it sounds."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Master:_ "But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint is not pewmonia.
+Surely, you've heard me again and again say '_pneu_monia'?"
+
+_Man:_ "Well, Sir, I _'ave_; but I didn't like to correct you."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Successful Poultry Farmer:_ "You'd be surprised what a difference these
+incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every
+week."
+
+_Champion Dog Breeder:_ "Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find
+names for them all?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Boy_ (_who has been promised a visit to the Zoo to-morrow_): "I
+hope we shall have a better day for it than Noah had."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother:_ "Oh, Mary, why _do_ you wipe your mouth with the back of your
+hand?"
+
+_Mary:_ "'Cos it's so much cleaner than the front."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother_ (_to child who has been naughty_): "Aren't you rather ashamed
+of yourself?"
+
+_Child:_ "Well, Mother, I wasn't. But now that you've suggested it I
+am."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A CONSOLING THOUGHT
+
+_Belated Traveller_ (_surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the
+station_): "By jove! I believe I shall catch that train after all."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+LIFE'S DIFFICULTIES
+
+_Mother:_ "Why, what's the matter, darling?"
+
+_Small daughter_ (_tearfully_): "Oh, Mums, I do so want to give this
+worm to my hen."
+
+_Mother:_ "Then why don't you?"
+
+_Small daughter_ (_with renewed wails_): "'C-cos I'm so afraid the worm
+won't like it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Does God make lions, Mother?"
+
+"Yes, dear."
+
+"But isn't he frightened to?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Excuse me, officer, but have you seen any pickpockets about here with a
+handkerchief marked 'Susan'?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mrs. Green to Mrs. Jones_ (_who is gazing at an aeroplane_): "My word!
+I shouldn't care for one of _them_ flying things to settle on me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Woman:_ "Jazz stockings are the latest thing, dear. Here's a
+picture of a girl with them on."
+
+_The Man:_ "What appalling rot! Er--after you with the paper."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Invalid_ (_to visitor_): "I've had a lot of diseases in my
+time--measles--whooping-cough--influenza--tonsilitis--but (_modestly_) I
+haven't had dropsy yet."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE SERVANT PROBLEM
+
+_Lady:_ "And why did your last mistress----"
+
+_Applicant_ (_loftily_): "Excuse me, Madam!"
+
+_Lady:_ "Well--er--your last employer----"
+
+_Applicant:_ "I beg your pardon, Madam!"
+
+_Lady:_ "Well, then, your last--er--pray what do you call those in whose
+service you are engaged?"
+
+_Applicant:_ "Clients, Madam."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Girl:_ "I wonder how old Joan is?"
+
+_Small Boy:_ "I bet she won't see four again."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother:_ "Well, dear, has Jack kissed you under the mistletoe?"
+
+_Mary_ (_demurely_): "Yes, Mummy."
+
+_Mother:_ "And did you enjoy it?"
+
+_Mary:_ "Yes, thank you, Mummy; but (_very demurely_) _I struggled_."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Mollie, you haven't said your prayers."
+
+"I'm going to say them in bed to-night."
+
+"Oh, Mollie, that isn't etiquette."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Applicant for Situation:_ "And 'ow long did yer last cook oblige yer?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TROUBLES OF THE NEW-POOR
+
+"George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinner
+and--she's still looking at it through her lorgnette."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I hear you've taken up golf. What do you go round in?"
+
+"Well, usually in a sweater."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Boy_ (_walking round links with his father_): "Daddy, here's a
+ball for you."
+
+_Father:_ "Where did you get that from?"
+
+_Small Boy:_ "It's a lost ball, Daddy."
+
+_Father:_ "Are you sure it's a lost ball?"
+
+_Small Boy:_ "Yes, Daddy; they're still looking for it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Boy_ (_toying with dull blanc-mange_): "Please may I have an ice
+instead of finishing this--'cos I feel sick?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE NEW APPRECIATION
+
+_Wife_ (_habitué of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked her
+husband down_): "That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, George. I
+wonder who he is?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady:_ "I've just been making my side ache over your latest book."
+
+_Author_ (_delighted_): "Oh, really. Did you find it so amusing?"
+
+_Lady:_ "Well, the fact is I went to sleep on the top of it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Employer_ (_inspecting a very inflated bill for work_): "Look here--how
+did you get at this amount?"
+
+_Odd Jobs Man:_ "Well, Sir, didn't know how you'd prefer me to charge it
+up, so I just charged by time."
+
+_Employer:_ "Oh, really! I thought you must have been charging by
+eternity."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Tourist:_ "Have you any cold meat?"
+
+_Waiter:_ "Well, we have some that's nearly cold, Sir."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady:_ "If you please, Cook, may we have steak and onions for lunch
+to-day?"
+
+_Cook:_ "You can have steak, but I'm afraid I can't let you have onions.
+You see, I'm going out this afternoon, and onions always make my eyes so
+red."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Boy_ (_on being told by cousin that she is engaged to be
+married_): "Oh! (_long pause_) and what did your husband say when he
+engaged you?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Master:_ "But why do you want to get married, Jones?"
+
+_Butler:_ "Well, Sir, _I don't want my name to die out_."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Artist_ (_in desperation_): "That, Sir, I consider the finest in my
+exhibition. You can have it for half the catalogue price."
+
+_The Visitor:_ "Bless my soul! You don't say so. By the way, what is the
+price of the catalogue?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Well, Mollie, how do you like your new teacher?"
+
+"I half like her, and I half don't like her. But I think I half don't
+like her most."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Please, Mr. Grafto, the gentleman on the next floor presents his
+compliments and says, seeing as how you can foretell the future, would
+you be so good as to let him know how long it will be before your bath
+stops overflowing through his ceiling?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Old Lady_ (_interrogating her chauffeur's small boy_): "Well, my little
+man, and do you know who I am?"
+
+_Small Boy:_ "Yes, you're the old lady what goes for rides in my daddy's
+car."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Parent:_ "I should like you to have 'good' in your report, and not
+always 'fair.'"
+
+_Young Hopeful:_ "I daresay you would, Dad. But, you see, I'm an
+ordinary boy of ordinary parents, and that's an ordinary report."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Optimist:_ "Cheer up, old man. Things aren't as bad as they seem."
+
+_Pessimist:_ "No, but they seem so."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+OUR MODERN INFANT
+
+_Genial Uncle:_ "Well, old chap, we've not done anything together for a
+long time. How about the Zoo next Sunday, eh?"
+
+_Small Boy:_ "Thanks very much. I can't say off-hand, but I'll ring you
+up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Little Girl_ (_to Bride at wedding reception_): "You don't look nearly
+as tired as I should have thought."
+
+_Bride:_ "Don't I, dear? But why did you think I should look tired?"
+
+_Little Girl:_ "Well, I heard Mummy say to Dad that you'd been running
+after Mr. Goldmore for months and months."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A SUBTLE DISTINCTION
+
+"I say--come and dance. This is a toppin' fox-trot they're playin'."
+
+"Thanks--but I'm only waltzing this evening. We're still in mourning,
+you know."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Specialist_ (_to patient suffering from insomnia_): "And did you try
+my plan of counting sheep coming through a gate?"
+
+_Patient:_ "Well, I counted up to a hundred and twenty thousand and
+thirty-nine, and then it was time to get up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Neighbor_ (_bearer of message, to billiard enthusiast_): "You're wanted
+at 'ome, Charlie. Yer wife's just presented yer with another rebate off
+yer income-tax."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Joan_ (_whose mother has just bought her a pair of woolen gloves_):
+"Oh, Mummy, I wish you had got kid. I hate this kind; they make my
+sweets so hairy."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady_ (_to applicant for situation as cook_): "Have you been accustomed
+to have a kitchen-maid under you?"
+
+_Cook:_ "In these days we never speak of having people 'under us.' But I
+have had colleagues."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Father:_ "Look here, Billy, Mr. Smith called at the office this morning
+about your fight with his boy yesterday."
+
+_Son:_ "Did he? I hope you got on as well as I did."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Artist_ (_condescendingly_): "I did this last summer. It really isn't
+much good."
+
+_Candid Friend:_ "No, it certainly isn't. But who told you?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BLUE BLOOD
+
+_Mrs. Profiteer:_ "Is this a pedigree dog?"
+
+_Dealer:_ "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal
+could only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Bridesmaid_ (_loudly, in middle of ceremony_): "Mummie, are we
+all getting married?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Girl:_ "To-day's my mummy's wedding-day."
+
+_Smaller Girl_ (_with air of superiority_): "_My_ mummy was married
+_years_ ago."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"
+
+"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more
+yer does a bit o' work for it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Office Boy_ (_anxious to go to football match_): "May I have the
+afternoon off, Sir? My grand----"
+
+_Employer:_ "Oh, yes, I've heard that before. Your grandmother died last
+week."
+
+_Office Boy:_ "Yes, Sir; but--my grandfather's getting married again
+this afternoon."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Minister's Wife:_ "My husband was asking only this morning why you
+weren't in the habit of attending church."
+
+_Latest Inhabitant:_ "Well, you see, it does so cut into one's
+Sundays."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Two mistakes here, waiter--one in your favor, one in mine."
+
+"In _your_ favor, Sir? Where?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mistress:_ "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."
+
+_Cook:_ "You don't catch me crackin' no more nuts to-day. I've very near
+broke me jaw already."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Gushing Lady:_ "Yes, she's married to a lawyer, and a good honest
+fellow too."
+
+_Cynic:_ "Bigamist!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother:_ "Augustus, you naughty boy, you've been smoking. Do you feel
+very bad, dear?"
+
+_Augustus:_ "Thank you--I'm only dying."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_New Butler:_ "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"
+
+_Profiteer:_ "What time do the best people dine?"
+
+_New Butler:_ "At different times, Sir."
+
+_Profiteer:_ "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Fond Mamma:_ "I sometimes think, Percy, you don't treat your dear
+father with quite the proper respect."
+
+_Young Hopeful_; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Playful Hostess:_ "Couldn't you manage one more _éclair?_"
+
+_Serious Little Boy:_ "No, fanks, I've no more room."
+
+_Playful Hostess:_ "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would
+that help?"
+
+_Serious Little Boy (after deep thought):_ "No, fanks, that would make
+the space at the wrong end."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Vicar's Wife:_ "What are you children doing in daddy's study?"
+
+_Ethel:_ "It's a great secret, Mummy. We're giving daddy a new bible for
+his birthday."
+
+_Vicar's Wife:_ "Oh--and what are you writing in it?"
+
+_Ethel:_ "Well, you see, we thought we'd better copy what daddy's
+friends put in the books they give him, so we're writing, 'With the
+author's compliments.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE OBSTACLE
+
+_George:_ "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it
+hadn't been for something she said."
+
+_Fred:_ "What did she say?"
+
+_George:_ "No!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CHANGING THE SUBJECT
+
+_She:_ "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talk
+about myself all evening."
+
+_He:_ "I'm sure we couldn't find anything better."
+
+_She:_ "Very well, then! Suppose _you_ talk about me for a while."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I say, Taxi, I've only got enough change to pay the exact fare. D'you
+mind taking a cheque for the tip?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A CHANCE LOST
+
+"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?"
+
+"I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of argument
+if he had said _which_ one."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_He:_ "I never knew until to-day that the Rev. Dr. Preachly married an
+actress."
+
+_She:_ "Oh, yes! It is she who rehearses him in those beautiful
+extempore sermons he preaches."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+DURING THE QUARREL
+
+_He:_ "But if you will allow me to----"
+
+_She:_ "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you're quite mistaken
+and I can prove it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CONDITIONAL
+
+_Eloping Bride:_ "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say
+when he gets our letter."
+
+_Bridegroom:_ "It can't make any difference to our happiness,
+darling--so long as he doesn't _do_ it when we get back."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+JUST IGNORANCE
+
+_He_ (_dejectedly_): "I'm sure I don't see why our parents won't give
+their consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel."
+
+_She:_ "Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fogies like they are to know
+anything about _love_?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ALL IN ONE BREATH
+
+_Wife:_ "I'm afraid you'll think me rather extravagant, dear, but I
+spent ten dollars to-day on a boat, and a train, and a fire-engine, and
+a box of soldiers, and some nine pins for Freddie's birthday. By the
+way, what are _you_ going to buy him?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A YOUNG PHILOSOPHER
+
+"Mamma!"
+
+"What is it, dear?"
+
+"It seems to me that a 'silly question' is something that you don't know
+the answer to."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+FEMININITY
+
+_Julia:_ "Fanny married a very wealthy man, you know. She tells me she
+has absolutely nothing to wish for."
+
+_Gertrude:_ "Oh, Julia! What a dreadful state to be in."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GETTING EVEN
+
+_Mrs. Lynks:_ "Jack, I have made up my mind to fine you ten cents every
+time you swear."
+
+_Mr. Lynks:_ "That's a bargain, if you'll give me ten cents every time
+you envy me for being able to."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A SOOTHING EFFECT
+
+"Do you miss your husband as much as when he first went away?"
+
+"No, I am becoming reconciled. You see he sent me a power of attorney."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+IN THAT CASE
+
+_She:_ "When one is really thirsty, there is nothing so good as pure,
+cold water."
+
+_He:_ "I guess I have never been really thirsty."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A QUALIFIED STATEMENT
+
+"Well! we've missed that confounded train. What time will the next one
+be here?"
+
+"If the engine doesn't break down, and the track doesn't spread, and
+they don't run into any cows, and the up-freight isn't behind time, and
+the swing bridge isn't open, it ought to be here in about two hours."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Count:_ "I weesh to marry your daughtaire, saire! I am vorth one
+hundred thousand dollaire."
+
+_The Millionaire:_ "But I thought you were a bankrupt."
+
+_The Count:_ "I mean zat I am vorth zat moch _to you_."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I suppose your landlord asks a lot for the rent of this place?"
+
+"A lot! He asks me for it nearly every week."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother_ (_to little girl who had been sent to the hen-house for eggs_):
+"Well, dear, were there no eggs?"
+
+_Little Girl:_ "No, mummie, only the one the hens use for a pattern."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"It's funny that you should be so tall. Your brother, the artist, is
+short, isn't he?"
+
+_He_ (_absently_): "Yes, usually."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Urchin_ (_contemptuously_): "Huh! Yer mother takes in washin'!"
+
+_Neighbor:_ "Well, yer didn't s'pose she'd leave it hangin' aht
+overnight unless your farver was in prison, did yer?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HIS SPHERE
+
+"His versatility is something extraordinary."
+
+"I had an idea he was rather stupid."
+
+"That's just it. I never met a man who could make more different kinds
+of a fool of himself."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Poetic Bridegroom:_ "I could sit here forever, gazing into your eyes,
+and listening to the wash of the ocean."
+
+_Practical Bride:_ "Oh! That reminds me, darling, we have not paid our
+laundry bill yet."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A LOVERS' QUARREL
+
+_George:_ "Why don't Jack and Laura make up?"
+
+_Kate:_ "'Sh! They'd like to, but unfortunately they can't remember what
+they quarreled about."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A DREADFUL POSSIBILITY
+
+_Elsie:_ "When is my birthday, Mother?"
+
+_Her Mother:_ "On the thirty-first of this month, dear."
+
+_Elsie:_ "Oh! Mother! Supposing this month had had only thirty days,
+where would I have been?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GETTING RECKLESS
+
+_She:_ "I'm surprised at Jane's staying out in the boat all this time
+with a comparative stranger. A woman of thirty is old enough to know
+better."
+
+_He:_ "Aren't you afraid she is _too old_ to know better?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I shall never find anyone else like you. You see, you're so different
+from other girls."
+
+"Oh, but you'll find lots of other girls different from other girls."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+RETROACTIVE
+
+"You know you should love your neighbor as yourself."
+
+"But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always end by hating
+myself."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Pupil:_ "What I want to know is, am I a bass or a baritone?"
+
+_Teacher:_ "No--you're not."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+APOLOGIZING
+
+"Oh! Are you really a mind-reader?"
+
+"Yes! I am."
+
+"Then I hope you aren't offended. I didn't mean what I thought about
+you."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+DENIED THE PRIVILEGE
+
+_The Child:_ "Mother! Did you buy a ticket for me?"
+
+_The Mother:_ "No, dear! They don't charge for little boys."
+
+_The Child:_ "Is that 'cos we're too little to reach the straps?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A GOOD PLAN
+
+_She:_ "The Burrowes are having their wooden wedding next week. What can
+we give them?"
+
+"We might send them a receipt for some of the money he owes me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ENFRANCHISEMENT OF WOMAN
+
+_First Voter:_ "So Mr. Jones has been elected. You voted for him, of
+course?"
+
+_Second Voter:_ "No, I voted for the other man. You see, Mr. Jones
+supported Woman's Suffrage, which I abhor."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+FAMILIARITY, ETC.
+
+"I'm so glad to see you. And how did you enjoy your visit to the South?"
+
+"Oh, not very much! There wasn't a soul where I was staying except
+intimate friends."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+REASSURING
+
+_She:_ "Oh! Jack! Are you perfectly certain that you love me?"
+
+_He:_ "My darling! You don't suppose that I have lived for thirty years
+without knowing love when I feel it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HOW IT HAPPENED
+
+"What! You don't mean to tell me they are engaged! Why! They never met
+until a week ago."
+
+"I know it. But they happened, while out rowing together, to get caught
+in a thunder storm."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A LINGUIST
+
+"She is one of the most remarkable women I ever met."
+
+"In what way?"
+
+"She can keep silence in four different languages."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE DIFFERENCE
+
+_She:_ "I'm so glad we're engaged."
+
+_He:_ "But you knew all the time that I loved you, didn't you?"
+
+_She:_ "Yes, dear, I knew it, but you didn't."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE ROAD TO----, ETC.
+
+"Well, what are you sneering about? You don't seem to have much faith in
+my good resolutions."
+
+"I was just wondering if you had taken the paving contract for the next
+world."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CLASSIFIED
+
+_Mrs. Bargain:_ "Oh, Ethel! I have just talked Edward into giving me the
+money for a new hat."
+
+_Mr. Bargain:_ "Which I shall enter in my accounts as 'Hush Money.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A SOLUTION
+
+_The Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, if I had known who sent those flowers I would
+have returned them unopened."
+
+_The Maid:_ "Shure, Miss, couldn't ye take a few out, and sind the rist
+back unopened?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ENCOURAGING
+
+_He:_ "My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray of
+hope before I leave you forever?"
+
+_She:_ "Er--that clock is half an hour fast."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+AN ALIAS
+
+_Miss Hen:_ "I demand an explanation! You told me that your name was
+plain 'Mr. Rooster,' and that poet just now addressed you as
+'Chanticleer'!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+
+_Lady_ (_to prospective daily housemaid_): "The hours will be from nine
+to six-thirty, with an hour and a half off for dinner."
+
+_D. H.:_ "For _luncheon_, I suppose you mean. And I should have to leave
+at six, as I always dine at my club and have to dress first."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CHANGING PLACES
+
+"They say that she was his stenographer before marriage."
+
+"She has evidently reversed the order of things."
+
+"How so?"
+
+"_She_ does the dictating now."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ECONOMY
+
+_Young Husband:_ "I see that sugar has gone down two points."
+
+_Young Wife:_ "Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds to-day, then."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Best Man_ (_seeing couple off on honeymoon_): "Here you are--just a few
+magazines to help pass away the time."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Hostess_ (_to small guest, who is casting lingering glances at the
+cakes_): "I don't think you can eat any more of those cakes, can you,
+John?"
+
+_John:_ "No, I don't think I can. But may I stroke them?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mr. Househunter:_ "I don't care for those flats we looked at to-day.
+The rooms are too narrow, and the ceilings are too low."
+
+_Mrs. Househunter:_ "But they are cheap, dear; and you and I are neither
+very wide nor very high."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+QUALIFIED
+
+_The Leading Woman:_ "How does Garrette rank as an actor?"
+
+_The Comedian:_ "He doesn't--he is."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CLAIMING ACQUAINTANCE
+
+_Chimmie:_ "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight--me cousin used ter go ter
+school wid'm."
+
+_Billie:_ "Dat ain't nuthin'--me brudder had t'ree front teet' knocked
+out by'm onct."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+FROM THE HEART
+
+_The Wife:_ "I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account of
+the weather."
+
+_The Husband:_ "Humph! And I suppose by the time it clears up the
+fashion will have changed."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Reporter:_ "I beg pardon, but would you be kind enough to tell me
+what blow you will knock Fitzmuggins out with to-morrow night?"
+
+_Sledge-hammer Mike:_ "De solar plexus."
+
+_The Reporter:_ "And er--if you get beaten, what will your--er--weak
+spot have been?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+AN ARGUMENT
+
+"This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense."
+
+"Why do you say so?"
+
+"Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by the very people who
+are idiots enough to sit out all day waiting for them to bite."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE SECRET
+
+_The Man of Theory:_ "The great secret of happiness lies in being
+content with one's lot."
+
+_The Man of Practice:_ "But it has to be a whole lot."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WANTS HER RIGHTS
+
+_He:_ "There is nothing like experience after all. She is our greatest
+teacher."
+
+_She:_ "And there is no holding back her salary, either."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"And are you a good needlewoman and renovator, and willing to be
+useful?"
+
+"Madam, I am afraid there is some misunderstanding. I am a lady's
+maid--not a useful maid."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GETTING BACK
+
+_Customer to Palmist:_ "Five dollars fee? Er--would you have any
+objection to waiting until I get some of the money you say is coming to
+me?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Betty:_ "Mummy, does God send us our food?"
+
+_Mother:_ "Yes, dear; of course He does."
+
+_Betty:_ "But what a price!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+DURING VACATION
+
+_The Summer Girl:_ "It pains me to be compelled to say so, but I really
+cannot become engaged to you."
+
+_The Summer Man:_ "Well--er--could you manage to be a sister to me for a
+couple of weeks?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT UNIQUE
+
+_He:_ "Crowded, were you? I thought you went early to avoid the rush."
+
+_She:_ "So I did; but about five thousand other people did the same
+thing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A NOBLE AIM
+
+_She:_ "Have you heard anything about the woman's Reform Club?"
+
+"Yes, its object seems to be to reform everything except the Club and
+everybody except the members."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ONCE TOO OFTEN
+
+"Yes, dear, I'm going out to-night. I've been asked to take supper with
+an old comrade in arms."
+
+"By the way, darling, how many men did your regiment muster?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Phwat's the matter wid yez, Regan? Yez look hurted."
+
+"Faith! Lasht noight Oi tould Casey phwat Oi thought av him, an' ut
+appears he thought worse av me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT
+
+"What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons must witness."
+
+"Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they run over some one."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer says I may
+have him for a song. Would you advise me to buy him?"
+
+"That depends upon your eye for a horse and his ear for music."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SYMPATHY
+
+_Freddie_ (_aged six_): "Mother, you know that lovely purse you gave me
+for my birfday?"
+
+_His Mother:_ "Yes, dear! What of it?"
+
+_Freddie:_ "It makes me feel orful to think of it just lyin' in the
+drawer 'ithout a cent in its stummick."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SLIGHTED
+
+"I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence, and am quite ready
+to be friends again."
+
+"_Misunderstanding_, indeed! If you had any _feeling_ you'd call it a
+quarrel."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GOING FURTHER
+
+_Flora:_ "I think that Maud has been awfully mean to you. If I were you
+I'd get even with her."
+
+_Dora:_ "Getting even with her won't satisfy _me_. _I'm_ going to get
+_uneven_ with her."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GETTING ON
+
+_Old Gentleman:_ "Well, children! and what are you learning at school?"
+
+_Small Boy:_ "Oh, she's learning to make paper dolls and I'm learning to
+knock spots out of Willie Jones."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+LITERALLY
+
+_He:_ "I understand that she fairly threw herself at him."
+
+_She:_ "Yes! They met in an automobile collision."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+AN EXTENSIVE LOVE
+
+_She:_ "They say that he fairly worships the ground she walks on."
+
+_He:_ "That's saying a good deal when you consider what a golf fiend she
+is."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT
+
+"The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill."
+
+"Sour grapes always _did_ have that effect."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NO DISSENSION
+
+_Mrs. Storme:_ "How is your Debating Society getting along?"
+
+_Mrs. Karn:_ "Very well. We have forty members, and we all agree
+beautifully."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Why are they not speaking?"
+
+"They quarreled about which loved the other the more."
+
+"Well!"
+
+"And now each is afraid to give in for fear of offending the other."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+IN KEEPING
+
+"I really believe he married her only because he wanted a good
+housekeeper."
+
+"And now I suppose he wishes he could give her a month's warning."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HE KNEW
+
+_She:_ "I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr.
+and Mrs. Rigby."
+
+_He:_ "Humph! I know! Each of them does exactly as _she_ likes."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ARRANGED TO FIT
+
+_Elsie:_ "Mummy! if I wuz a fairy I'd change every-fing into cake, an'
+eat it all up."
+
+_Mother:_ "I'm afraid such a lot of cake would make you sick."
+
+_Elsie:_ "Oh! but I'd change myself into a Nelephant first."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+PROBABLY
+
+"I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can you
+suggest?"
+
+"Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as well as anything."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SURE SIGNS
+
+"Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?"
+
+"Twins."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SUCH A WASTE
+
+_Mrs. Bizzy:_ "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing
+the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?"
+
+_Casey:_ "Faith, Ma'am! That's what Oi do be afther complainin' av.
+'Twas a whole set av dishes broke to pieces an' she niver hit me wanst."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOO ONE-SIDED
+
+"What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive and
+forget."
+
+"That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you are always
+forgetting."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+DISCRETION
+
+_Miss Bizzy:_ "I am glad to hear that you are married, O'Brien, and hope
+that you and Bridget don't have many differences of opinion."
+
+_O'Brien:_ "Faith, ma'am, we have a good many, but Oi don't let her know
+about them."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BETTER UNSAID
+
+_Cholly Lyttlebrayne:_ "Yes, the doctors saved my life, but it cost me
+over a thousand dollars."
+
+_Miss Thotless:_ "Oh! Mr. Lyttlebrayne, what extravagance!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+LETTING HIM KNOW
+
+_Flora:_ "I'm writing to tell Jack that I didn't mean what I said in my
+last letter."
+
+_Dora:_ "What did you say in your last letter?"
+
+_Flora:_ "That I didn't mean what I said in the one before."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WHY, INDEED
+
+_The Husband:_ "Why is it that women always say, 'I'll be ready in two
+seconds'?"
+
+_The Wife:_ "Humph! and why is it that men always say, 'Oh! _I'm_ ready
+_now_'?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Madge:_ "Have you given Jack your final answer yet?"
+
+_Mabel:_ "Not yet--but I have given him my final 'No.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ONLY THEIR WAY
+
+_First Lady_ (_effusively_): "I am _more_ than _charmed_ to see you, my
+_dear_ Mrs.--er--um--."
+
+_Second Lady_ (_more effusively_): "How _lovely_ of you! So am I
+_delighted_. I _do_ hope we'll meet again _very_, VERY soon, my
+_dearest_ Mrs.--um--er--."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+INADVERTENT
+
+_Prospective Bride:_ "I am glad I decided to be married in a traveling
+dress--a wedding dress costs such a lot."
+
+_Dressmaker:_ "Yes, miss, and the next time you wanted to wear it, it
+would be out of fashion."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MAKING SURE
+
+"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his
+parents."
+
+"I thought he had dozens of your photos."
+
+"Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MORE DESPERATE STILL
+
+_She:_ "Oh! there's no use of my giving you any hope, because I cannot
+believe in love in a cottage."
+
+_He:_ "But I've known cases of love in a four-room flat, with steam-heat
+and all improvements."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SYMPATHY
+
+_The Tabby-Cat:_ "I am just heart-broken! I had six of the loveliest
+kittens, and they went and gave one away!"
+
+_The Parrot:_ "Wasn't it too bad of them--to go and break the set?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+POPULAR OPINION
+
+_First Burglar:_ "Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de leg I broke doin'
+dat second-story job didn't do a t'ing but soak me fifty plunks!"
+
+_Second Burglar:_ "Oh, say, wasn't that robbery?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MORE OPPORTUNITY
+
+_The Wife:_ "Really, my dear, you are awfully extravagant. Our neighbor,
+Mr. Flint, is just twice as self-denying as you are."
+
+_The Husband:_ "But he has just twice as much money to be self-denying
+with."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Jacky, dear, your hands are frightfully dirty."
+
+"Not 'frightfully,' mummy. A lot of that's shading."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Ant:_ "Well, we've struck!"
+
+_The Gnat:_ "What for?"
+
+_The Ant:_ "Longer hours."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Effie:_ "George and I have been down-stairs in the dining-room, Mr.
+Mitcham. We've been playing Husband and Wife!"
+
+_Mr. Mitcham:_ "How did you do that, my dear?"
+
+_Effie:_ "Why, Georgy sat at one end of the table, and I sat at the
+other; and Georgy said, 'This food isn't fit to eat!' and I said, 'It's
+all you'll get!' and Georgy said, 'Damn!' and I got up and left the
+room!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT WHAT SHE MEANT
+
+_She:_ "I am sorry to hear that they have separated. Is there no chance
+of their becoming reconciled?"
+
+_He:_ "Oh, they seem to be _quite_ reconciled."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_He:_ "By the bye, talking of old times, do you remember that occasion
+when I made such an awful ass of myself?"
+
+_She:_ "Which?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Jones_ (_who is of an inquiring mind_): "Ain't you getting _tired_ of
+hearing people say, 'That is the beautiful Miss Belsize!'?"
+
+_Miss Belsize_ (_a professional beauty_): "Oh, no. I'm getting tired of
+hearing people say, 'Is _that_ the beautiful Miss Belsize?'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mrs. Montague Smart_ (_suddenly, to bashful youth, who has not opened
+his lips since he was introduced to her a quarter of an hour ago_): "And
+now let us talk of something else!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mamma:_ "It's very late, Emily. Has anybody taken you down to supper?"
+
+_Fair Debutante_ (_who has a fine healthy appetite_): "Oh, yes,
+Mamma--several people!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Guest:_ "Well, good-bye, Old Man!--and you've really got a very nice
+little place here!"
+
+_Host:_ "Yes; but it's rather bare, just now. I hope the trees will have
+grown a good bit before you're back, Old Man!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_She:_ "No! I can't give you another dance. But I'll introduce you to
+the prettiest girl in the room!"
+
+_He:_ "But I don't _want_ to dance with the prettiest girl in the room.
+I want to dance with _you_!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I warn you, Sir! The discourtesy of this bank is beyond all limits. One
+word more and I--I withdraw my overdraft."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Wife_ (_at upper window_): "Where you bin this hour of the night?"
+
+"I've bin at me union, considerin' this 'ere strike."
+
+"Well--you can stay down there an' consider this 'ere lock-out."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Motor-Launch Officer_ (_who has rung for full-speed without result_):
+"What's the matter?"
+
+_Voice-from below:_ "One of the cylinders is missing, Sir."
+
+_Commander:_ "Well, look sharp and find the bally thing--we want to get
+on."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother:_ "Did you remember to pray for everybody, dear?"
+
+_Daughter:_ "Well, Mummy, I prayed for you, but Jack prayed for Daddy.
+He's looking after him just now."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+JUSTIFICATION
+
+_Wife:_ "_Two_ bottles of ginger ale, dear?"
+
+_He:_ "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our
+wedding-day?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_First Flapper:_ "The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as if I
+hadn't paid any fare."
+
+_Second Flapper:_ "And what did you do?"
+
+_First Flapper:_ "I just glared back at him--as if I had!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mollie_ (_who has been naughty and condemned to "no toast"_): "Oh,
+Mummy! Anything but that! I'd rather have a hard smack--_anywhere you
+like_."
+
+_Lady_ (_to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet dog_): "And if
+you find you can't cure him, Doctor, will you please put him out of
+pain?--and of course you must charge me just as for an ordinary
+patient."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Governess:_ "Well, Mollie, what are little girls made of?"
+
+_Mollie:_ "Sugar and spice and all that's nice."
+
+_Governess:_ "And what are little boys made of?"
+
+_Mollie:_ "Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails. I told Bobbie that
+yesterday, and he could _hardly_ believe it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I say, dear old bean, will you lend me your motor-bike?"
+
+"Of course. Why ask?"
+
+"Well, I couldn't find the beastly thing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Irate Parent:_ "While you stood at the gate bidding my daughter
+good-night, did it ever dawn upon you--"
+
+_The Suitor:_ "Certainly not, sir! I never stayed as late as that."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Wife:_ "My dear, we've simply got to change our family doctor. He's so
+absent-minded. Why, this afternoon he was examining me with his
+stethoscope, and while he was listening he called out suddenly, 'Halloa!
+Who is it speaking?'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mrs. Goodheart:_ "I am soliciting for the poor. What do you do with
+your cast-off clothing?"
+
+_Mr. Hardup:_ "I hang them up carefully and go to bed. Then I put them
+on again in the morning."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"What's the matter, little boy?" said the kindhearted man. "Are you
+lost?"
+
+"No," was the manful answer; "I ain't lost; I'm here. But I'd like to
+know where father and mother have wandered to."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Helen's elder sister:_ "You know, all the stars are worlds like ours."
+
+_Helen:_ "Well, I shouldn't like to live on one--it would be so horrid
+when it twinkled."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Can I 'ave the arternoon off to see a bloke abaht a job fer my missis?"
+
+"You'll be back in the morning, I suppose?"
+
+"Yus--if she don't get it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Child:_ "Mother, I _have_ been good to-day--so patient with Nurse."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The schoolmaster was explaining what to do in case of fire. The pupils
+listened with respectful attention until he came to his final
+instruction.
+
+"Above all things," he said, "if your clothing catches fire, remain
+cool."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Wife:_ "Yes, dear. I thought I'd buy you something you'd never think of
+buying for yourself."
+
+_Husband_ (_as he gazes with horror at the canary-colored socks_): "Yes,
+dear, and you have succeeded."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Podger_ (_to new acquaintance_): "I wonder if that fat old girl is
+really trying to flirt with me?"
+
+_Cooler:_ "I can easily find out by asking her--she is my wife."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Young Husband:_ "It seems to me, my dear, that there is something wrong
+with this cake."
+
+_The Bride_ (_smiling triumphantly_): "That shows what you know about
+it. The cookery book says it's perfectly delicious."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Wife_ (_referring to guest_): "He's a most attractive man; is he
+married?"
+
+_Husband:_ "I dunno. He's a reserved chap--keeps all his troubles to
+himself!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Questioning a class, an inspector asked:
+
+"If you were to say to me, 'You was here yesterday,' would that be
+right?"
+
+"No, sir," was the reply.
+
+"And why not?"
+
+"Please, sir, because you wasn't."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Salesman:_ "Another advantage of this machine, madam, is that it is
+fool-proof."
+
+_Sweet Thing_ (_placidly_): "No doubt, to the ordinary kind. But you
+don't know my husband."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Stage Manager:_ "Now then, we're all ready, run up the curtain."
+
+_The New Hand:_ "Wot yer talkin' about--'run up the curtain'--think I'm
+a bloomin' squirrel?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+
+_Old Gentleman_ (_to new gardener_): "Why do you always pull your barrow
+instead of pushing it?"
+
+_The Gardener:_ "'Cause I 'ates the sight of the blooming thing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"My dear, you're not going to the links to-day?"
+
+"Oh, yes, Auntie. I shall try and put in a round."
+
+"But it's _pouring_! Why, I wouldn't send a dog out to golf in such
+weather."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady_ (_who has purchased a ready-made dress_): "Tiresome this dress
+is. The fasteners come undone as quick as you do them up."
+
+_Cook_ (_acting as lady's-maid_): "Yes'm, they do. That's why I wouldn't
+have it myself when I tried it on at the shop the other day."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HIS REPUTATION
+
+_Waitress:_ "He ain't no good, Lil--he's one of these fellers wot
+chooses the price first an' then runs his fingers along the bill o' fare
+to see wot he gets for it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT UP-TO-DATE
+
+_Penelope:_ "What made George and Alice break their engagement?"
+
+_Clarissa:_ "He complained that she was too 'Effeminate' for the present
+day."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Some wise person once said that silence was golden, did he not?"
+
+"I believe so. Why?"
+
+"I was just thinking how extravagant some women are."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT RESTRICTED
+
+"That gentleman who is being introduced to Miss Binks is a free
+thinker."
+
+"Which is he, a bachelor or a widower?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_John:_ "Yew wait here, Mirandy, while I buy your ticket."
+
+_Mirandy:_ "Daon't yew dew it, John; yew can't say fer _sure_ that the
+train'll show up--I don't never believe in payin' fer a thing 'til I git
+it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Wife:_ "Oh, you needn't sneer! I mean every word I say."
+
+"I'm not sneering, my dear. I'm just thinking what a lot you must mean."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Escort:_ Who's that fellow who seems to know you?
+
+_The Lady:_ Only a second cousin once removed.
+
+_The Escort:_ Hm! Well, he looks as if he wanted removing again.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Voice_ (_far off_): Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo!
+
+_Satiated Camper:_ All right, all right! Who's arguing about it?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A GREAT ATHLETE
+
+Micky Bryan and Patsy Kelly had been schoolmates together, but they had
+drifted apart in after life. They met one day, and the conversation
+turned on athletics.
+
+"Did ye ivir meet my bruther Dennis?" asked Pat. "He has just won a gold
+medal in a foot race."
+
+"Bedad," replied Mike. "Sure, an' thot's foine. But did I ivir tell ye
+about my uncle at Ballycluna?"
+
+"I don't remember," replied Pat.
+
+"Well," said Mike, "he's got a gold medal for five miles, an' one for
+ten miles, two sets of carvers for cycling, a silver medal for swimming,
+two cups for wrestling, an' badges for boxing an' rowing!"
+
+"Begorra," said Pat, "he must have bin a wonderful athlete, indade!"
+
+"Shure, an' he's no athlete at all--at all," came the reply. "He kapes
+the pawnshop!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOTHING NEW TO HIM
+
+The motor car was driven by a determined young woman, who had knocked
+down a man without injuring him much.
+
+She did not try to get away. Instead, she stopped the car, descended to
+the solid earth and faced him manfully.
+
+"I'm sorry it happened," she said grudgingly, "but it was all your
+fault. You must have been walking carelessly. I'm an experienced driver.
+I've been driving a car for seven years."
+
+"Well," replied her victim angrily, "I'm not a novice myself. I've been
+walking for fifty-seven years."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady_ (_to pedlar_): "No, thank you, we never buy anything at the
+door."
+
+_Pedlar:_ "Then I've just the thing for you, Madam. You will, I am sure,
+appreciate these tasteful little 'No Pedlars' notices."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+There is a lot to be said for the cheap car, we read. Yes; but it is
+just as well not to say it when there are women and children around.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother:_ It is rude to whisper, Humphrey.
+
+_Humphrey_ (_aged five_): Well, I was saying what a funny nose that
+man's got. So you see it would have been much ruder if I'd said it
+aloud.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_She_ (_pouting_): You don't value my kisses as you used to.
+
+_He:_ Value them? Why, before we were married I used to expect a dozen
+in payment for a box of candy, and now I consider only one of them
+sufficient payment for a new dress.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+KNOWLEDGE
+
+The son of the family was home on his first vacation since he had
+attained to the dignity of college prefect. He and his father were
+discussing affairs of the day, and finally the boy remarked: "Say, Guv,
+I hope when I am as old as you are, I'll know more than you do."
+
+"I'll go you one better, my boy," the father replied. "I hope that when
+you are that old you will know as much as you think you do now."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A HUMBLING SIGHT
+
+An old Scotchwoman, who had resisted all entreaties of her friends to
+have her photo taken, was at last induced to employ the services of a
+local artist in order to send her likeness to a son in America. On
+receiving the first impression she failed to recognise the figure
+thereon depicted as herself; so, card in hand, she set out for the
+artist's studio to ask if there was no mistake.
+
+"Is that me?" she queried.
+
+"Yes, madam," replied the artist.
+
+"And is it like me?" she again asked.
+
+"Yes, madam; it's a speaking likeness."
+
+"Aweel!" she said, resignedly, "it's a humblin' sicht."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Dollie:_ Yes, Miss Fethers is a pretty girl, but she doesn't wear very
+well.
+
+_Pollie_ (_kindly_): I know, but the poor thing wears the best she has,
+I suppose.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TROUBLESOME CUSTOMER
+
+A woman who had visited every department of one of the big London shops
+and worried the majority of the salesmen without spending a penny, so
+exasperated one of them that he ventured to make a mild protest.
+"Madam," he asked, "are you shopping here?"
+
+The lady looked surprised, but not by any means annoyed. "Certainly!"
+she replied. "What else should I be doing?"
+
+For a moment the salesman hesitated; then he blurted out, "Well, madam,
+I thought perhaps you were taking an inventory!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Officer_ (_to sailor who has rescued him from drowning_): Thank you,
+Smith. To-morrow I will thank you before all the crew at retreat.
+
+_Sailor:_ Don't do that, sir, they'll half kill me!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Steward:_ Can I do anything for you, sir?
+
+_Passenger_ (_faintly_): You might present my compliments to the chief
+engineer and ask him if there is any hope of the boilers blowing up.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady_ (_to box office manager_): Can you tell me what they are playing
+to-morrow night?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Box Office Manager:_ "You Never Can Tell," Madam.
+
+_Lady:_ Don't they even let you know?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Village Idiot:_ Beg pardon, mam, seeing you're painting the church, I
+thought I'd better tell you the clock is ten minutes fast.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Employer_ (_rebuking employee for slackness_): Have you any idea of the
+meaning of "Esprit de Corps"?
+
+_Stenographer:_ No, I haven't, and if it's anything vulgar I don't want
+to.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Sympathetic Lady:_ What's the matter with your hand, my little man?
+
+_Boy:_ Sawed the top of my finger off.
+
+_Sympathetic Lady:_ Dear, dear, how did you do that?
+
+_Boy:_ Sawing.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+REMEMBERED
+
+Blinks, after inviting his friend, Jinks, who has just returned from
+abroad, to dinner, is telling him what a fine memory his little son
+Bobby has.
+
+"And do you suppose he will remember me?" said Jinks.
+
+"Remember you? Why, he remembers every face that he ever saw."
+
+An hour later they entered the house, and after Jinks had shaken hands
+with Mrs. Blinks, he calls Bobby over to him.
+
+"And do you remember me, my little man?"
+
+"Course I do. You're the same man that pa brought home last summer, and
+ma was so wild about it that she didn't speak to pa for a whole week."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NATURAL DEDUCTION
+
+"The man that argues with a woman is a fool," said Mr. Gadspur.
+
+"I agree with you," said Mr. Twobble.
+
+"And if he expects to have the last word he's an even bigger fool."
+
+"Quite so, quite so. What did you and the 'Missus' quarrel about this
+morning?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOO GOOD
+
+"Well, Alice," said a Southern woman to a coloured girl formerly in her
+employ, "I hear that you have married."
+
+"Yassum, Ah done got me a husband now."
+
+"Is he a good provider, Alice?"
+
+"Yassum. He's powerful good provider, but Ah's powerful skeered he's
+gwine git catched at it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+AN ERROR IN JUDGMENT
+
+_Mother:_ "What! Have you been fighting again, Johnnie? Good little boys
+don't fight."
+
+_Johnnie:_ "Yes, I know that. I thought he was a good little boy, but
+after I hit him once, I found he wasn't."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TEACHING THE YOUNG IDEA
+
+Little Willie looked up from the paper he had been reading, and inquired
+of his father:
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Dad, who was Mozart?"
+
+"Good gracious, boy! You don't know that!" indignantly returned his
+parent. "Go and read your Shakespeare."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HE TAKES YOUR TIME
+
+"The chief objection we have to the man who 'knows it all,'" remarked
+the Observer of Events and Things, "is that he insists that everyone he
+knows shall know it all, too."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE FLOOR HELD
+
+"Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?" asked one man of his
+friend.
+
+"Sure," was the answer. "Did you think it would go through?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HIS DIFFICULTY
+
+_Real Estate Agent:_ "This tobacco plantation is a bargain. I don't see
+why you hesitate. What are you worrying about?"
+
+_Prospective, but Inexperienced, Purchaser:_ "I was just wondering
+whether I should plant cigars or cigarettes."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE REAL JOB
+
+"What's this new conference they're going to have in America?"
+
+"Oh, they're going to make peace among the Allies."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+OFF LIKE A SHOT
+
+It was a case of attempted murder, in which the prisoner was accused of
+having fired twice at his intended victim. One of the witnesses for the
+prosecution was being severely cross-examined by the defending counsel.
+
+"You say that you heard both shots fired?" he asked sternly.
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"How near were you to the scene of the affair?"
+
+"At the time the first shot was fired I was about twenty feet from the
+prisoner."
+
+"Twenty feet. Humph! Now tell the court how far you were off when you
+heard the second shot."
+
+"Well, sir," replied the witness slowly, "I didn't exactly measure the
+distance; but, speaking approximately, I should say about half a mile."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ANSWERED
+
+_She:_ "And what would you be now if it weren't for my money?"
+
+_He:_ "A bachelor."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TO BE SURE
+
+_Lily:_ "Harold proposed to me last night while turning the music for me
+at the piano."
+
+_Edith:_ "Ah, I see, dear; you played right into his hands!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A CLOSE CALL
+
+Pat was a simple country yokel who had never strayed from the outskirts
+of his native village, and because he stood in a railway station for the
+first time of his life, his amazement was great.
+
+The vastness of his surroundings completely dazzled him, but when the
+3.30 express dashed through the station, that did it. He kept his eyes
+glued on the tunnel through which it had disappeared, staring after it
+as though some kind of miracle had happened. He remained like this for
+several minutes, much to the amusement of the onlookers, until at length
+an inquisitive porter asked him what he was staring at.
+
+"Oi was just thinkun'," he said, pulling himself together, "what a
+terribal smash there'd 'a' bin if he'd 'a' missed the 'ole!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Breathless Visitor:_ Doctor, can you help me? My name is Jones----
+
+_Doctor:_ No, I'm sorry; I simply can't do anything for that.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+They were talking over the days that will never return, so they
+asserted; the days when there was no thirst in the land. But they had
+particular reference to the old state militia camp of long ago. For be
+it known, there was much taken to camp in those days that had little to
+do with military training, and it was carried in capacious jugs and big
+bottles. Everybody expected his city friends to run down to the camp,
+and be called upon to act as an assuager of thirst. "The year I have
+reference to," said one of the old-timers, "was a notably wet one. The
+first night in camp everybody seemed to be bent on sampling what
+everybody else had brought down from the city. The result was that when
+the company of which I was a member was ordered to fall in the next
+morning to answer the roll-call there was a pretty wobbly line-up. We
+had a new sergeant--new to the routine of a camp, and after he had
+checked up he should have reported, 'Sir, the company is present and
+accounted for.' Instead he got rattled and said, 'Sir, the company is
+full.' Our captain, looking us over, sarcastically remarked, 'I should
+say as much, full as a tick.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+READY AND WILLING
+
+_Magistrate:_ "Can't this case be settled out of court?"
+
+_Mulligan:_ "Sure, sure; that's what we were trying to do, your honor,
+when the police interfered."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An old darky visited a doctor and received instructions as to what he
+should do. Shaking his head, he was about to leave the office, when the
+doctor called out "Hey, there, uncle, you forgot to pay me." "Pay you
+fo' what, boss?" "For my advice." "Nossuh, boss," said Rastus, shuffling
+out. "I'se compluntated it from all angles and decided not to take it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An airman had been taking up passengers for short trips, and by the time
+his last trip came was absolutely fed up by being asked silly questions.
+He told his passengers, two ladies, that on no account were they to
+speak to him; that he could not talk and give his attention to his
+machine, and that they must keep silent. Up they went, and the airman
+quite enjoyed himself. He looped the loop and practiced all sorts of
+stunts to his own satisfaction with no interruption from his passengers
+until he felt a touch on his arm. "What is it?" he said impatiently.
+"I'm so sorry to trouble you," said a voice behind, "and I know I
+oughtn't to speak. I do apologize sincerely, but I can't help it. I
+thought perhaps you ought to know Annie's gone."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Chloe:_ I sho' mighter knowed I gwine have bad luck if I do dat washin'
+on Friday.
+
+_Daphne:_ What bad luck done come to you?
+
+_Chloe:_ I sen' home dat pink silk petticoat wid de filly aidge what I
+was gwine keep out to wear to chu'ch on Sunday.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The professor was deeply absorbed in some scientific subject when the
+nurse announced the arrival of a boy. "What--who?" stammered the
+professor absently. "Why interrupt me--isn't my wife at home?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SARCASM
+
+Everything that could be done to make the great unemployed meeting a
+success had been accomplished. A large hall, and a good speaker had been
+engaged.
+
+When the latter arrived he seemed in a crabby frame of mind. Looking
+round, he beckoned the chairman.
+
+"I should like to have a glass of water on my table, if you please," he
+said.
+
+"To drink?" was the chairman's idiotic question.
+
+"Oh, no," was the sarcastic retort, "when I've been speaking
+half-an-hour I do a high dive."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NONE AT ALL
+
+Sandy had gone to the station to see his cousin off.
+
+"Mac," he said, "ye micht like to leave me a bob or twa tae drink ye a
+safe journey."
+
+"Mon, I canna," was the reply. "A' my spare cash I gie tae my auld
+mither."
+
+"That's strange! Your mither said you niver gave her anything!"
+
+"Well, if I dinna gie my auld mither anything, what sort of chance d'ye
+think you've got?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ART AND NATURE
+
+_Husband:_ "What was that you were playing, my dear?"
+
+_Wife:_ "Did you like it?"
+
+"It was lovely--the melody divine, the harmony exquisite!"
+
+"It is the very thing I played last evening, and you said it was
+horrid."
+
+"Well, the steak was burnt last evening."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MISUNDERSTOOD
+
+_Mistress:_ "Don't call them jugs, Mary; they're ewers."
+
+_Maid:_ "Oh, thank you, ma'am. And are all them little basins mine,
+too?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ALL BRAINS
+
+A gentleman who was walking through a public gallery, where a number of
+artists were at work, overheard the following amusing conversation
+between a big, heavy-looking man, who was painting on a large picture,
+and a weak-looking little cripple, who, limping over to where he sat,
+looked over his shoulder for a few minutes, and said timidly:
+
+"I beg your pardon, sir, may I ask what medium you paint with?"
+
+"Brains," shouted the other in a voice of thunder.
+
+"Oh, indeed! That accounts for its fogginess," which caused a roar of
+laughter.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THIRTEEN TO ONE
+
+Just before the service the clergyman was called into the vestibule by a
+young couple, who asked that he should marry them. He answered he had
+not time then, but that if they would wait until after the sermon he
+would be glad to do so. Accordingly, just before the end of the service,
+he announced:
+
+"Will those who wish to be married to-day please come forward?"
+
+Thirteen women and one man quickly stepped up.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A GOOD ACTOR
+
+_Neighbour:_ "I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm."
+
+_Farmer:_ "Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he was
+working the last week he was here."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOO SAD FOR THAT
+
+A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the village inn.
+
+"This place boasts of a choral society, doesn't it?" he asked.
+
+The innkeeper looked pained.
+
+"We don't boast about it," he replied, in low, sad tones. "We endure it
+with all the calm resignation we can!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog that looked as
+if his bite might be quite as bad as his bark. "Why, Percy," she
+exclaimed as he started a strategic retreat, "you always swore you would
+face death for me." "I would," he flung back over his shoulder, "but
+that darn dog ain't dead."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Wife_ (_enthusiastically_): I saw the most gorgeous chiffonier to-day,
+dear. But, of course, I know we can not afford----
+
+_Hubby_ (_resignedly_): When have they promised to deliver it?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+REALISED
+
+_Lawyer:_ "When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate."
+
+_Client:_ "You're in luck. It isn't every man who can realise the dreams
+of his youth."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NEVER MISS ONE
+
+_Elder sister:_ "Oh, you fancy yourself very wise, I dare say; but I
+could give you a wrinkle or two."
+
+_Younger sister:_ "No doubt--and never miss them."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A BAD NIGHT
+
+The boy who had "made good" in town asked his old mother to come to
+London. He gave the old lady the best room in the hotel--one with a
+private bath adjoining. The next morning the boy asked:
+
+"Did you have a good night's rest?"
+
+"Well, no, I didn't," she replied. "The room was all right, and the bed
+was pretty. But I couldn't sleep very much, for I was afraid someone
+would want to take a bath, and the only way to it was through my room!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TRIPPED
+
+The shaded lights, music in the distance, sweet perfumes from the costly
+flowers about them--everything was just right for a proposal, and
+Timkins decided to chance his luck. She was pretty, which was good, and
+also, he believed, an heiress, which was better.
+
+"Are you not afraid that someone will marry you for your money?" he
+asked gently.
+
+"Oh! dear, no," smiled the girl. "Such an idea never entered my head!"
+
+"Ah! Miss Liscombe," he sighed, "in your sweet innocence you do not
+dream how coldly, cruelly mercenary some men are!"
+
+"Perhaps I don't," replied the girl calmly.
+
+"I would not for a moment have such a terrible fate befall you," he said
+passionately. "You are too good--too beautiful. The man who wins you
+should love you for yourself alone."
+
+"He'll have to," the girl remarked. "It's my cousin Jennie who has the
+money--not I. You seem to have got us mixed. I haven't a penny myself."
+
+"Oh--er!" stammered the young man, "what pleasant weather we are having,
+aren't we?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE GLOOMY GUEST
+
+The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking
+young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about
+as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself
+to cheer him up.
+
+"Er--have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of introduction.
+
+"Not lately," replied the gloomy one, with a faraway expression.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Why did you take Meyerbeer off the dinner card?"
+
+"People kept thinking it was something to drink."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A well-known admiral--a stickler for uniform--stopped opposite a very
+portly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down. Fixing
+the man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that medal for
+eating, my man?" On the man replying "No, sir," the admiral rapped out:
+"Then why the deuce do you wear it on your stomach?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_First Little Girl:_ What's your last name, Annie?
+
+_Second Little Girl:_ Don't know yet; I ain't married.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Kloseman:_ I didn't see you in church last Sunday.
+
+_Keen:_ Don't doubt it. I took up the collection.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A Southern family had a coal-black cook named Sarah, and when her
+husband was killed in an accident Sarah appeared on the day of the
+funeral dressed in a sable outfit except in one respect. "Why, Sarah,"
+said her mistress, "what made you get white gloves?" Sarah drew herself
+up and said in tones of dignity, "Don't you s'pose I wants dem niggahs
+to see dat I'se got on gloves?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Dad_ (_sternly_): Where were you last night?
+
+_Son:_ Oh, just riding around with some of the boys.
+
+_Dad:_ Well, tell 'em not to leave their hairpins in the car.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Said the guest, upon approaching his host's home in the suburb, "Ah,
+there are some of your family on the veranda. The girl in short dresses
+is your daughter, the young man in riding breeches is your son, and the
+woman in the teagown is your charming wife." Said the host: "No, you are
+all wrong. The girl in the short dresses is my grandmother, the young
+fellow in riding breeches is my wife, and the woman in the teagown is my
+ten-year-old daughter, who likes to dress up in her great-grandmother's
+dresses."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A bumptious young American farmer went to England to learn his business,
+but where he went he pretended that it was far easier to teach the
+farmers than to learn anything from them. "I've got an idea," he said
+one day to a grizzled old Northumbrian agriculturist, "for a new kind of
+fertilizer which will be ten thousand times as effective as any that has
+ever been tried. Condensed fertilizer--that's what it is. Enough for an
+acre of ground would go in one of my waistcoat pockets." "I don't doubt
+it, young gentleman," said the veteran of the soil. "What is more,
+you'll be able to put the crop into the other waistcoat pocket."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Weary Willie slouched into the pawnshop. "How much will you give me for
+this overcoat?" he asked, producing a faded but neatly mended garment.
+Isaac looked at it critically. "Four dollars," he said.
+
+"Why," cried Weary Willie, "that coat's worth ten dollars if it's worth
+a penny.'"
+
+"I wouldn't give you ten dollars for two like that," sniffed Isaac.
+"Four dollars or nothing."
+
+"Are you sure that's all it's worth?" asked Weary Willie.
+
+"Four dollars," repeated Isaac.
+
+"Well, here's yer four dollars," said Weary Willie. "This overcoat was
+hangin' outside yer shop, and I was wonderin' how much it was really
+worth."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT IN THE BUSINESS
+
+"I'm not quite sure about your washing-machine. Will you demonstrate it
+again?"
+
+"No, madam. We only do one week's washing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HER VIEWS
+
+_Mrs. de Vere:_ "I suppose now that you have been abroad, you have your
+own views of foreign life!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Mrs. Profiteer: "No, we ain't got no views. We didn't take no camera;
+it's so common."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A GOOD MATCH
+
+_Proprietor:_ "What made that customer walk out? Did you offend him?"
+
+_Assistant:_ "I don't know. He said he wanted a hat to suit his head and
+I showed him a soft hat."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+LIFE'S BIGGEST PROBLEM
+
+_Old Job:_ "The best way to get the most out of life is to fall in love
+with a great problem or a beautiful woman!"
+
+_Old Steve:_ "Why not choose the latter and get both?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_He_ (_just introduced_): What a very homely person that gentleman near
+the piano is, Mrs. Black!
+
+_She:_ Isn't he? That is Mr. Black.
+
+_He:_ How true it is, Mrs. Black, that the homely men always get the
+prettiest wives!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A customer entered the small-town barber shop. "How soon can you cut my
+hair?" he asked of the proprietor, who was seated in an easy chair,
+perusing the pages of a novel.
+
+"Bill," said the barber, addressing his errand boy, "run over and tell
+the editor if he's done editin' the paper I'd like my scissors."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Pompous Publisher_ (_to aspiring novice in literature_): I have been
+reading your manuscript, my dear lady, and there is much in it, I
+think--ahem!--very good. But there are parts somewhat vague. Now, you
+should always write so that the most ignorant can understand.
+
+_Youthful Authoress_ (_wishing to show herself most ready to accept
+advice_): Oh, yes, I'm sure. But, tell me, which are the parts that have
+given you trouble?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+FISHY RECORD
+
+_First Stenog._ (_reading_): "Think of those Spaniards going 3,000 miles
+on a galleon!"
+
+_Second Stenog.:_ "Aw, forget it. Yuh can't believe all yuh hear about
+them foreign cars."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A group of tourists were looking over the inferno of Vesuvius in full
+eruption. "Ain't this just like hell?" ejaculated a Yank.
+
+"Ah, zese Americans," exclaimed a Frenchman, "where have zey not been?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you."
+
+"Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down,' he's a Boston terrier."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady:_ Well, what do you want?
+
+_Tramp:_ Leddy, believe me, I'm no ordinary beggar. I was at the
+front----
+
+_Lady_ (_with interest_): Really----
+
+_Tramp:_ Yes, ma'am; but I couldn't make anybody hear, so I came round
+to the back.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"The doctor has ordered her to the seashore. Now they're having a
+consultation."
+
+"Of doctors?"
+
+"Of dressmakers."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"You discharged your office boy?"
+
+"Yes," said Dr. Dubwaite. "He never did anything but stand around and
+look wise."
+
+"I guess you've seen the last of him."
+
+"I don't know about that. He may turn up here some day as an efficiency
+expert."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"But why don't you think he will propose soon?"
+
+"Well, he gave me a box of stationery yesterday with my initials on
+it--such a lot, so I know it's all over between us."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+PERFECT AGREEMENT
+
+_Mother:_ "Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can't you
+agree once in a while?"
+
+_Georgia:_ "We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do
+I."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_She:_ Jack is in love with you.
+
+_Her:_ Nonsense!
+
+_She:_ That's what I said when I heard it.
+
+_Her:_ How dared you!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Professor_ (_endeavoring to impress on class the definition of cynic_):
+Young man, what would you call a man who pretends to know everything?
+
+_Senior:_ A professor!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A young lady who was inspecting bicycles, said to the clerk:
+
+"What's the name of this wheel?"
+
+"That is the Belvedere," answered the salesman.
+
+He was rewarded by a stony glance and the icy question:
+
+"Can you recommend the Belva?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"What this country needs is more production."
+
+"What this country needs," replied Farmer Corntassel, with a slight
+trace of irritation, "is less talk about what it needs and more
+enthusiasm about deliverin' the goods."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BOTTLED COURAGE
+
+"Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face?"
+
+"My dear sir," said the bootlegger, with a pained expression. "This
+stuff will make a tenant snap his fingers under his landlord's nose."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you suppose that will cause
+him to take more interest in his business?" asked Mr. Piglatch.
+
+"I don't know whether he will take more interest in his business," said
+Mr. Peckton, thoughtfully, "but his wife will."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+IT WORKED
+
+A tramp entered a baker's, shivering piteously.
+
+"A loaf, please, mum," he said, placing the money on the counter. The
+woman gave him one. As he took it, he said with shaking voice:
+
+"Where's the nearest hospital, mum, please?"
+
+"The nearest hospital!" she ejaculated.
+
+"Yes, mum, I'm feeling bad. I believe I'm sickening for something; the
+scarlet fever, I think."
+
+"What!" she shrieked. "Get out of my shop."
+
+He turned to obey.
+
+"Here, take your money back," she said. He did so; and, offering the
+bread, said humbly:
+
+"You'll take yer loaf, won't yer, mum?"
+
+"Get out of my shop."
+
+He crawled out, and with bowed head went around the corner. Presently,
+another mountain of misery joined him.
+
+"Well, Bill?" he said.
+
+"Right oh! 'Enery," came the answer. "It worked a treat. Now you do it
+fer a bit o' bacon, and then we can have lunch."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+FILM FEVER
+
+_Nurse:_ "You were very naughty in church, Guy. Do you know where little
+boys and girls go to who don't put their pennies in the collection box?"
+
+_Guy:_ "Yes, nurse; to the pictures."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE DRUGGIST'S TURN
+
+The druggist danced and chortled till the bottles danced on the shelves.
+
+"What's up?" asked the soda clerk. "Have you been taking something?"
+
+"No. But do you remember when our water pipes were frozen last winter?"
+
+"Yes, but what--"
+
+"Well, the plumber who fixed them has just come in to have a
+prescription filled."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WRONG BROTHER
+
+A wealthy gentleman has a brother who is hard of hearing, while he
+himself is remarkable for having a very prominent nose.
+
+Once, this gentleman dined at a friend's house, where he sat between two
+young ladies who talked to him very loudly, rather to his annoyance.
+
+Finally one of them shouted a commonplace remark and then said in an
+ordinary tone to the other:
+
+"Did you ever see such an ugly nose?"
+
+"Pardon me, ladies," said the gentleman. "It is my brother who is deaf."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy
+about telling the voters why they should send him to Washington. "I am a
+practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting. "I can plow,
+reap, milk cows, shoe a horse--in fact, I should like you to tell me one
+thing about a farm which I can not do." Then, in the impressive
+silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Doctor:_ "You are a great deal better this morning, I see. You followed
+my directions, and that prescription did the business--what, you haven't
+taken any of it?"
+
+_Patient:_ "No; it says on the label, 'Keep the bottle tightly corked.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"And about the salary?" said the movie star.
+
+"Well," said the manager, "suppose we call it $5,000 a week."
+
+"All right."
+
+"Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we call
+it--you will get $500."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Prospective Employer:_ I suppose you have some experience of live
+stock?
+
+_Applicant for Post:_ Well, I ain't ever looked after 'orses, nor milked
+cows, and never 'andled poultry; but I've bred canaries.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch
+whiskey. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along
+came a Ford which he did not sidestep quite in time. It threw him down
+and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road.
+Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his
+leg.
+
+"Oh, Lord," he groaned, "I hope that's blood!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mr. Graham:_ "Do you know, Miss F., if I had my way, I'd put every
+woman in jail!"
+
+_Miss F.:_ "Why, Mr. Graham, I'm surprised. I didn't know you felt that
+way about us! What sort of a nation do you think this would be, if you
+put all the women in jail?"
+
+_Mr. Graham:_ "Stag-nation, of course!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GUILTY
+
+_Sister:_ "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him
+of something I did before we were married."
+
+_Brother:_ "Well, the best thing you can do is to confess."
+
+_Sister:_ "I know it, but he won't let me read the letter and I don't
+know what to confess."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I'd like to see the man who could persuade me to promise to love,
+honour and obey him," said Miss Wellontheway.
+
+"I don't blame you," remarked the newly-made bride.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Huh! Yuh talks 'bout sassiety like yuh knows so much 'bout it. Niggah,
+I bet dey don' eben have evenin' dresses whah yuh come frum."
+
+"Zat so? Dey's doin' well to have evenin's whah yuh come frum."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Second-story Worker:_ "Hullo, Bill, I see you got a new overcoat. What
+did it cost you?"
+
+_Burglar:_ "Six months. I never wears cheap clothes!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The sweet young thing was being shown through the boiler shop.
+
+"What's that thing?" she asked, pointing with a dainty parasol.
+
+"That's an engine boiler," said the guide.
+
+"And why do they boil engines?" she inquired.
+
+"To make the engine tender," replied the resourceful guide.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+He was a Scot, with the usual characteristics of his race. Wishing to
+know his fate, he telegraphed a proposal of marriage to the girl of his
+choice. After waiting all day at the telegraph office he received the
+affirmative answer late at night.
+
+"Well, if I were you," said the operator, "I'd think twice before I
+married the girl who kept me waiting for an answer so long."
+
+"Na, Na?" said the Scot. "The girl for me is the girl who waits for the
+night rates."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOO ENTHUSIASTIC
+
+_Wifey:_ "Henry, do you think me an angel?"
+
+_Hubby:_ "Why, certainly, my dear. I'm very enthusiastic. I think all
+women are angels!"
+
+"You needn't be so enthusiastic as all that!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BAD BOTH WAYS
+
+_Dobb:_ "What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"
+
+_Botham:_ "My wife put it there to remind me to post her letter."
+
+"And did you post it?"
+
+"No; she forgot to give it to me!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HIS LITTLE MISTAKE
+
+A certain country vicar who used to distribute books to his parishioners
+as reading material, one day, deciding to surprise them, gave them each
+a Bible neatly wrapped up in brown paper. A few days later he called
+round on each of his flock, and the first place he called at was the
+village butcher's.
+
+"Well, Mr. Simson," he said, "how did you like that little book I gave
+you the other day?"
+
+Simson was rather taken aback at the query, for, truth to tell, the
+little book still remained in its brown paper wrapping somewhere under
+the counter.
+
+"Splendid!" lied Simson bravely, "but," he added, in a burst of
+confidence, "it ended like they all end."
+
+"Oh!" exclaimed the vicar, "in what way?"
+
+And Simson, thinking he was on safe ground, replied, "Why, they lived
+happy ever after."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Your wife looks stunning to-night. Her gown is a poem."
+
+"What do you mean, poem?" replied the struggling author. "That gown is
+two poems and a short story."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOUGH ON THE SENATOR
+
+The Senator was back home, looking after his political fences, and asked
+the minister about some of his old acquaintances.
+
+"How is old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see him
+to-day?"
+
+"You'll never see Mr. Jones again," said the minister. "He has gone to
+heaven."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+REDEEMING TRAIT
+
+"I know I'm old, but I'm crazy about you," stated Mr. Moneybags. "When I
+go I'll leave all my fortune to you if you'll have me."
+
+"Have you any bad habits?" asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully.
+
+"Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call that a bad habit."
+
+"You dear old thing. Of course I'll marry you. And we'll have our
+honeymoon on the top floor of some tall hotel, won't we?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+OFF
+
+There was a distinct air of chastened resignation about him, as he
+penned the following note:
+
+"Dear Miss Brown,--I return herewith your kind note in which you accept
+my offer of marriage. I would draw your attention to the fact that it
+begins 'Dear George.' I do not know who George is, but my name, as you
+will remember, is Thomas."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT A FATHER
+
+A Protestant Episcopal clergyman was walking down a city street wearing
+the garb of his profession. He was seen by two Irish boys.
+
+"Good morning, Father," said one of the boys.
+
+"Hush, he ain't no father," said the other, "he's got a wife and two
+kids."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WEDDING DECLARED OFF
+
+_John Willie_ (_pleadingly_): "Why can't we be married right away,
+Elsie?"
+
+_Elsie_ (_coyly_): "Oh, I can't bear to leave father alone just now."
+
+_John Willie_ (_earnestly_): "But, my darling, he has had you such a
+very long time."
+
+_Elsie_ (_freezingly_): "Sir!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+PERHAPS!
+
+"You are a little goose!" remarked a young M.D. playfully to the girl he
+was engaged to marry.
+
+"Of course I am," was the laughing response; "haven't I got a quack?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A Northern man in an optician's shop in Nashville overheard
+an amusing conversation between the proprietor of the establishment and
+an aged darkey who was just leaving the place with a pair of new
+spectacles. As the old fellow neared the door his eye lighted upon an
+extraordinary-looking instrument conspicuously placed upon a counter.
+The venerable negro paused for several moments to gaze in open-mouthed
+wonder at this thing, the like of which he had never seen before. After
+a long struggle with his curiosity he was vanquished. Turning to the
+optician, he asked: "What is it, boss?" "That is an opthalmometer,"
+replied the optician in his gravest manner. "Sho," muttered the old man
+to himself, as he backed out of the door, his eyes still fastened upon
+the curious-looking thing on the counter. "Sho, dat's what I was afeared
+it was!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+In many of the rural districts of the United States where money does not
+circulate with great rapidity services are paid for "in kind." Farmers,
+for example, will give potatoes, eggs, etc., in payment for debts. A
+young surgeon who had occasion to operate in one of these districts
+hopefully approached the husband of the patient and asked for his fee,
+which amounted to $100. "Doc," said the old man, "I haven't much ready
+cash on hand. Suppose you let me pay you in kind." "Well, I guess that
+will be all right," replied the young doctor, cheerfully. "What do you
+deal in?" "Horseradish, doc," answered the old man.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The ferryboat was well on her way when a violent storm arose. The
+ferryman and his mate, both Highlanders, held a consultation, and after
+a short debate the ferryman turned to his passengers and remarked,
+anxiously: "We'll just tak' your tuppences now, for we dinna ken what
+micht come over us."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NO DOUBT
+
+"Lend me ten, Tom."
+
+"I think not."
+
+"You won't?"
+
+"I won't."
+
+"You've no doubt of my character, have you?"
+
+"I haven't."
+
+"Well, why won't you, then?"
+
+"Because I have no doubt of your character."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Officer_ (_drilling recruits_): Hey, you, in case of fire, what do you
+do?
+
+_Recruit:_ I yell.
+
+_Officer:_ Yell what?
+
+_Recruit:_ Why, what do you suppose? Cease firing.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Doctor_ (_at door, to butler_): Tell your master the doctor is here.
+
+_Butler:_ The master is in great pain, sir. He is receiving nobody.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Young Woman_ (_holding out hand_): Will you please tell me how to
+pronounce the name of the stone in this ring? Is it turkoise or
+turkwoise?
+
+_Jeweler_ (_after inspecting it_): The correct pronunciation is "glass."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Once, in a rush season, an office boy was kept working overtime for
+several nights. He didn't like it, and growled to his boss: "You've kept
+me workin' every night till 9 o'clock for three nights runnin' now, and
+I'm worn out, Mr. Brown. I ain't no machine. I can't go forever." His
+boss gave a hard laugh. "Wrong!" he said. "Wrong, my boy. You go forever
+next pay day."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The bellboy of the Welcome Hotel has invented an ingenious system of
+calling sleepy guests. The other night a man left instructions that he
+wished to be called early. Next morning he was disturbed by a loud
+tattoo upon the door. "Well?" he demanded sharply. "I've got a message
+for you, sir." Yawning until he strained his face, the guest jumped out
+of bed and unlocked the door. The bellboy handed him an envelope and
+then went away quickly. The guest opened the envelope, and took out a
+slip of paper bearing the words: "It's time to get up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A negro was brought before a justice of the peace. He was suspected of
+stealing. There were no witnesses, but appearances were against him. The
+following dialogue took place:
+
+"You've stolen no chickens?"
+
+"No, sah."
+
+"Have you stolen any geese?"
+
+"No, sah."
+
+"Any turkeys?"
+
+"No, sah."
+
+The man was discharged. As he stepped out of the dock he stopped before
+the justice and said with a broad grin, "Fo' de Lawd, squire, if you'd
+said ducks you'd 'a' had me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A little boy, the youngest member of a large family, was taken to see
+his married sister's new baby. He seemed more interested in the contents
+of the baby's basket than in the baby, and after examining the pretty
+trifles, picked up a powder-puff. Much surprised at his discovery, and
+looking rather shocked, he said, "Isn't she rather young for that sort
+of thing?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE ALLEGED HUMORISTS
+
+"I can read my husband like a book."
+
+"Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole
+a kiss."
+
+"What did she say?"
+
+"Will that be all?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NO KICK COMING
+
+_Merchant:_ Look here, that safe you sold me last month you said was a
+burglar-proof safe, and I found it cracked this morning and rifled of
+its contents.
+
+_Agent:_ Well, isn't that proof that you've had a burglar?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NO NONSENSE ABOUT IT
+
+The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the patients in the local
+hospital. When he entered Ward No. 2, he came across a pale-looking man
+lying in a cot, heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and after
+administering a few words of comfort to the unfortunate sufferer, he
+remarked in cheering tones:
+
+"Never mind, my man, you'll soon be all right. Keep on smiling; that's
+the way in the world."
+
+"I shall never smile again," replied the youth, sadly.
+
+"Nonsense!" ejaculated the vicar.
+
+"There ain't no nonsense about it!" exclaimed the other, heatedly. "It's
+through smiling at another chap's girl that I'm here now."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOO TRUE
+
+_Screen Actress:_ I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I
+cannot act to-day.
+
+_Manager:_ Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you a
+certificate saying that you never could act.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CONSERVATIVE
+
+He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout
+boots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came
+into the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficulty
+in getting what he wanted.
+
+A dozen, two dozen, three dozen pairs were brought and shown him.
+
+"No, no! Square toes--must have square toes," he insisted.
+
+"But, sir, everybody is wearing shoes with pointed toes. They are
+fashionable this season."
+
+"I'm sorry," said the stout man gravely, as he got up and prepared to
+leave the shop. "I'm very sorry to have troubled you, I'm sure. But, you
+see, I'm still wearing my last season's feet!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HE HAD HEARD OF THEM
+
+It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying to
+cook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed him
+how to make a quick-cooking fire, saying: "Look at the time you are
+wasting. When I was in the Himalayas I often had to hunt my breakfast. I
+used to go about two miles in the jungle, shoot my food, skin or pluck
+it, then cook and eat it, and return to the camp under half an hour."
+Then he unwisely added, "Of course, you will have heard of the
+Himalayas?"
+
+"Yes, sir," replied the young soldier, "and also of Ananias and George
+Washington."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mr. Goodsole:_ "Well, what do you want?"
+
+_Benny the Bum:_ "I wanna know kin I borry a red lantern off'n you? I
+find I gotta sleep in the street to-night an' I'll harfta warn the
+traffic to drive aroun' me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WHAT DID HE MEAN?
+
+A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish clerk sent him out to
+do some collecting. When he returned from an unsuccessful trip he
+reported:
+
+"Yim Yonson say he vill pay ven he sells his hogs. Yim Olson he vill pay
+ven he sell his wheat and Bill Pack say he vill pay in Yanuary."
+
+"Well," said the boss, "that's the first time Bill ever set a date to
+pay. Did he really say he would pay in January?"
+
+"Vell, aye tank so," said the clerk, "he said it bane a dam cold day ven
+you get that money. Aye tank that bane in Yanuary."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TRUE TO LIFE
+
+Sandy had been photographed, and as he was looking intently at his
+"picter" Ian MacPherson came along.
+
+"What's that ye hev there?" he asked.
+
+"My photygraph," replied Sandy, showing it proudly. "Whit d'ye think o'
+it?"
+
+"Man, it's fine!" exclaimed Ian, in great admiration. "It's just like
+ye, tae. An' whit micht the like o' they cost?"
+
+"I dinna' ken," replied Sandy. "I hinna' paid yet."
+
+"Mon," said Ian, more firmly than ever. "It's awful like ye."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WHAT HE PREFERRED
+
+"And did you say you preferred charges against this man?" asked the
+Judge, looking over his gold-rimmed spectacles.
+
+"No, Your Honour," was the quick reply of the man to whom money was
+owed; "I prefer the cash!"
+
+"Wot was the last card Oi dealt ye, Moike?"
+
+"A spade."
+
+"Oi knew ut! Oi saw ye spit on yer hands before ye picked it up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+During the period after the university examinations, when an unusually
+large number of students flunked, one of the boys went to his professor,
+and said: "I don't think this is fair, sir; I don't think I should have
+a zero on this examination."
+
+"I know it," replied the professor, "but we do not have any mark lower
+than that."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The long-suffering professor smothered his wrath and went down into the
+cellar. "Are you the plumber?" he inquired of a grimy-looking person who
+was tinkering with the pipes.
+
+"Yes, guv'nor," he answered.
+
+"Been in the trade long?"
+
+"'Bout a year, guv'nor."
+
+"Ever made any mistakes?"
+
+"Bless yer, no, guv'nor."
+
+"Oh, then, I suppose it is quite all right. I imagined you had connected
+up the wrong pipes, for the chandelier in the drawing-room is spraying
+like a fountain, and the bathroom tap is on fire."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A bright little newsie entered a business office and, approaching a
+glum-looking man at one of the desks, began with an ingratiating smile:
+"I'm selling thimbles to raise enough money to----"
+
+"Out with you," interrupted the man.
+
+"Wouldn't you like to look at some nice thimbles?"
+
+"I should say not!"
+
+"They're fine, and I'd like to make a sale," the boy continued.
+
+Turning in his chair to fully face the lad, the grouch caustically
+inquired: "What 'n seven kinds of blue blazes do you think I want with a
+thimble?"
+
+Edging toward the door to make a safe getaway, the boy answered: "Use it
+for a hat."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The lady was waiting to buy a ticket at the picture show when a stranger
+bumped her shoulder. She glared at him, feeling it was done
+intentionally.
+
+"Well," he growled, "don't eat me up."
+
+"You are in no danger, sir," she said. "I am a Jewess."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Sam, on board the transport, had just been issued his first pair of
+hobnails. "One thing suah," he ruminated. "If Ah falls overboard, Ah
+suttinly will go down at 'tenshun."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BLOOD RELATIONS
+
+_Actor:_ "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?"
+
+_Fulpurse:_ "Yes; they are ever bleeding me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+There had been a collision near Euston Station between a timber-cart and
+a cab.
+
+The cart-driver said, with mock sympathy: "Oh, well, you can't help it!
+You're doin' yer bit, you an' yer 'orse and yer blankety cabs all over
+age!"
+
+"You're doin' yer bit, too, ain't yer?" was the cabby's rejoinder,
+"a'carrying of two lots o' wood--one in yer cart an' the other under yer
+blinkin' 'at!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SCOTCHED!
+
+A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out to
+his employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast,
+
+"Jock, there's a fly in yer parritch."
+
+"That disna' matter," replied Jock gloomily, "it'll no' droon."
+
+The farmer stared at him. "What do ye mean?" he asked angrily; "that's
+as much as sayin' ye hav'na' enough mulk."
+
+"Oh," replied Jock still more gloomily, "there's mair than enough for
+all the parritch I have."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE BRUTE!
+
+_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "What does that inscription mean on that ring you gave
+me, Archie?"
+
+_Mr. Newlywed:_ "'Faithful to the last,' my dear!"
+
+_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "Oh! how could you? You always said I was the first."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE WHOLE TRUTH
+
+Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get a "refresher" during
+working hours, when he suddenly ran into the boss.
+
+"Hallo!" said the boss, pleasantly, "were you looking for me?"
+
+"Ay," answered Angus, "I wis looking for ye, but I didna' want tae see
+ye."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE CONSUMER INFLAMED
+
+"Ever get any nice butter?" queried old Grumpy.
+
+"Supply in every day," replied his provision merchant suavely.
+
+"Then why in thunder don't you sell it?" asked Grumpy.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HOW HE DID IT
+
+_First Theatrical Manager:_ "Do you have any trouble with the girl who
+is playing the flapper in your new show?"
+
+_Second Theatrical Manager:_ "No; if she attempts to be skittish I just
+threaten to publish the photographs of her two sons who are lieutenants
+in the army."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+REALITY
+
+A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on
+Sunday afternoon.
+
+"Why weren't you at church this morning?" was the first question of the
+spiritual adviser.
+
+"I couldn't come," was the answer. "I had to stop at home and mind the
+baby; our nurse is ill."
+
+"That's no excuse," said the pastor.
+
+"It isn't? Well, next Sunday I'll bring him to church with me and see
+how you like it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+PURE CARELESSNESS
+
+It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck.
+
+"My good man," said one kindly lady, "I hope that since you have come
+here you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct your
+faults."
+
+"I have that, mum," replied the prisoner in heartfelt tones. "Believe
+me, the next job I pull, this baby wears gloves."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A LEVEL-HEADED CAR
+
+_Irate Motorist:_ "Say, this darned car won't climb a hill! You said it
+was a fine machine!"
+
+_Dealer:_ "I said: 'On the level it's a good car.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SUSPICIOUS
+
+It was while on manoeuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being
+tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground.
+
+"Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to the farmer who
+brought the accusation, "are you quite certain that this is the man who
+shot your bird? Will you swear to him?"
+
+"No, I won't do that," replied the farmer, "but I will say he's the man
+I suspect o' doing it."
+
+"That's not enough to convict a man," retorted the C. O., considerably
+nettled. "What raised your suspicions?"
+
+"Well," replied the sturdy yeoman, "it was this way--I see 'im on my
+property with a gun; then I heerd the gun go off; then I see 'im putting
+the chicken in his knapsack; and it didn't seem sense nohow to think the
+bird committed suicide."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A WONDER!
+
+"That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss," remarked Brown.
+
+"That so?" asked Smith.
+
+"Yes," replied Brown. "Why, he could read a patent medicine almanac and
+not have a solitary symptom of some disease."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+IN A FIX
+
+_Mrs. Muggins:_ "It's raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul wants to go home, and I
+have no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Can't I let her
+have yours?"
+
+_Mr. Muggins:_ "Hardly! The only umbrella I have got has her husband's
+name on the handle."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SUCKED!
+
+It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit the
+picture palace.
+
+On the way she evidently was annoyed with her lover, for she turned to
+him, and said, angrily, "Aw wish tha would gie up sucking thi teeth;
+it's so rude when people are about!"
+
+"Don't thee talk so silly," he replied in aggrieved tones. "It's my
+rubber 'eel pads that's causing that noise!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HALF AND HALF
+
+Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and
+packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar.
+Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap.
+
+Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said, with a glance of
+withering scorn: "If ye was half a man ye would have helped me up."
+
+The little conductor calmly replied: "Shure, ma'am, if ye was half a
+woman I would!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+REVENGE IS SWEET
+
+"Yes," proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside
+hotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. The
+reception clerk is an old infantry man, the waiters have all been
+non-coms., the chef was a mess-sergeant, the house doctor was a base
+hospital surgeon, the house-detective was an intelligence man; even the
+pages were cadets."
+
+"And have you any former military police?" he was asked.
+
+"Yes," he replied joyously. "When there's a good stiff wind blowing we
+set them to clean the outsides of the windows on the eighth floor!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NO EFFECT
+
+"You tell me," said the judge, "that this is the person who knocked you
+down with his motor-car. Could you swear to the man?"
+
+"I did," returned the complainant, eagerly, "but he only swore back at
+me and drove on."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A FUTURE FINANCIER
+
+"Ma," exclaimed young Teddie, bursting into the house, "Mrs. Johnson
+said she would give me a penny if I told her what you said about her!"
+
+"I never heard of such a thing!" answered his mother indignantly.
+"You're a very good boy not to have told! I wouldn't have her think I
+even mentioned her. Here's an apple, sonny, for being such a wise little
+lad!"
+
+"I should think I am, ma! When she showed me the penny I told her that
+what you said was something awful, and worth sixpence at least!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A BAD CASE
+
+"Rather absent-minded, isn't he?"
+
+"Extremely so. Why, the other night when he got home he knew there was
+something he wanted to do, but he couldn't remember what it was until he
+had sat up over an hour trying to think."
+
+"And did he finally remember it?"
+
+"Yes, he discovered that he wanted to go to bed early."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BLACK SUPERSTITION
+
+_Architect:_ "Have you any suggestions for the study, Mr. Quickrich?"
+
+_Quickrich:_ "Only that it must be brown. Great thinkers, I understand,
+are generally found in a brown study."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HALF A DUCK DEEP
+
+Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a
+youngster if it was deep.
+
+"No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found
+that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.
+
+When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted: "I
+thought you said it wasn't deep?"
+
+"It isn't," was the reply; "it only takes grandfather's ducks up to
+their middles!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+COULDN'T RESIST IT
+
+"Look here," began the youth, as he entered a butcher's shop, and
+displayed two lovely-looking black-and-blue eyes, "you have fresh beef
+for sale?"
+
+"I have," responded the butcher.
+
+"And fresh beef is good for black eyes, is it not?"
+
+"It is."
+
+"Very well. I have the eyes, you have the beef. Do you think you can
+sell me a pound or so without asking how I got ornamented?"
+
+"I'll do my best, sir."
+
+The butcher cut off the meat, and received his money without another
+look at his customer. At the last moment, however, the old Adam proved
+too strong for him.
+
+"Look here," he said, handing back the cash, "I'll make you a present of
+the beef. Now tell me all about the fight."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Do you know anything about palmistry, Herbert?" she asked.
+
+"Oh, not much," he answered, "although I had an experience last night
+which might be considered a remarkable example of palmistry. I happened
+to glance at the hand of a friend, and I immediately predicted he would
+presently become the possessor of a considerable amount of money. Before
+he left the room he had a nice little sum handed to him."
+
+"And you foretold that from his hand?"
+
+"Yes, it had four aces in it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Young Harold was late for Sunday-school and the minister inquired the
+cause. "I was going fishing, but father wouldn't let me," announced the
+lad.
+
+"That's the right kind of a father to have," replied the reverend
+gentleman. "Did he explain the reason why he would not let you go?"
+
+"Yes, sir. He said there wasn't bait enough for two."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"My good man, you had better take the trolley car home."
+
+"Sh' no ushe! My wife wouldn't let me--hic--keep it in th' house."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "Oh, Jack, you left the kitchen door open and the
+draught has shut my cookery book, so that now I haven't the faintest
+idea what it is I'm cooking."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Goin' in that house over there?" said the first tramp.
+
+"I tried that house last week. I ain't goin' there any more," replied
+Tramp No. 2.
+
+"'Fraid on account of the dog?"
+
+"Me trousers are."
+
+"Trousers are what?"
+
+"Frayed on account of the dog."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A QUESTION OF LOCALITY
+
+"Bobby," said the lady in the tramcar, severely, "why don't you get up
+and give your seat to your father? Doesn't it pain you to see him
+reaching for the strap?"
+
+"Not in a car," said Bobby. "It does at home."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HER SOFT ANSWER
+
+They had had their usual altercation over the breakfast table, and hubby
+exclaimed:
+
+"What would you do if I were one of those husbands who get up cross in
+the morning, bang the things about, and kick because the coffee is
+cold?"
+
+"Why," replied his wife, "I should make it hot for you!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HE WAS WRONG
+
+_Prison Visitor:_ "Am I right in presuming that it was your passion for
+strong drink that brought you here?"
+
+_Prisoner:_ "I don't think you can know this place, guv'nor. It's the
+last place on earth I'd come to if I was looking for anything to drink."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+OPENING FATHER'S EYES
+
+"Papa," said Little Horatio, "can you explain philosophy to me?"
+
+"Of course I can," answered his proud parent.
+
+"Natural philosophy, my son, is the science of cause and reason. Now,
+for instance, you see the steam coming out of that kettle, but you
+don't know why, or for what reason it does so, and----"
+
+"Oh! but I do, papa," chirped little Horatio knowingly. "The reason the
+steam comes out of the kettle is so that ma can open your letters
+without you knowing it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NICE
+
+She had only been married a month, when her friend called to see how she
+was getting on.
+
+"We're getting on fine!" exclaimed the young wife. "We have a joint
+account in the bank; it's such fun to pay bills by cheque."
+
+"What do you mean by joint account?" asked the caller. "Do you put in
+equal sums?"
+
+"Oh! I don't put in anything," was the explanation. "Tom puts it in, and
+I draw it out!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT NEEDED
+
+_O'Grady:_ "And why do you want to sell your nightshirt?"
+
+_Pat:_ "Shure, and what good is it to me now whin oive me new job av
+night watchman an' slape in the day toimes?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SHE COULD USE HIM
+
+"Rastus," said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account and
+shiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year at
+hard labour."
+
+"Please, Jedge," interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the rear of the court
+room, "will yo' Honah jes' split dat sentence? Don't send him away from
+home, but let dat hard labour stand."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+DECLINED WITH THANKS
+
+Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that
+quaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise." He couldn't
+get along at all with the modern type of farmhands. So, after thinking
+matters over, Brown decided to reform.
+
+After many trials he secured a strapping, big fellow, and resolved to
+keep that hand at any cost. Accordingly, the first morning he waited
+until four o'clock before he called him for breakfast.
+
+"Get out of there quick if you want anything to eat."
+
+"Thanks very much," said the new hand, "but I never eat anything just
+before going to sleep."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MANAGING THE MANAGERS
+
+This conversation was overheard in the corridor of the offices of a
+large firm. Needless to say, the speakers were lady clerks--
+
+"He's given me such a fearful telling-off," said one; "just because I
+couldn't find him his copy of 'Who's Who.'"
+
+"Pooh! Don't cry, you little silly. You've got to manage him. When
+you've been here six weeks, like I have, you'll jolly well tell him to
+buy a copy of 'Where's Which,' and find his old 'Who's Who' himself!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A GREAT LIGHT
+
+The skipper was examining an ambitious gob who wanted to be a gunner's
+mate.
+
+"How much does a six-pound shell weigh?" he asked.
+
+"I don't know," the gob confessed.
+
+"Well, what time does the twelve o'clock train leave?"
+
+"Twelve o'clock."
+
+"All right, then, how much does a six-pound shell weigh?"
+
+"Ah," said the youthful mariner, a great light dawning on him. "Twelve
+pounds."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The two flappers at the Strand seemed barely in their 'teens, yet their
+conversation stamped them as seasoned film fans. They were discussing
+titles of pictures in general, and the tiny blonde expressed regret that
+the recent German importations had had their titles changed for American
+consumption. "If they had only called that picture 'Du Barry' instead of
+'Passion,' think what a hit it would have made!"
+
+Her bobbed-hair companion tossed her head and scoffed: "Don't you
+believe it. There's millions of folks never heard of Du Barry, but every
+one knows about passion."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"We will take as our text this morning," announced the absent-minded
+clergyman, consulting his memorandum, "the sixth and seventh verses of
+the thirty-first chapter of Proverbs." Never suspecting that his
+vivacious son and heir had found the memorandum in his study on the
+previous night, and, knowing that his papa had composed a sermon
+celebrating the increased severity of dry law enforcement, had
+diabolically changed the chapter and verse numerals to indicate a very
+different text, the absent-minded clergyman turned to the place and read
+aloud these words of Solomon: "Give strong drink unto him that is ready
+to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink
+and forget his past poverty, and remember his misery no more."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"You don't mean to say it cost you $7000 to have your family tree looked
+up?"
+
+"No; $2000 to have it looked up and $5000 to have it hushed up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Aristocrat_ (_returning to school_): My ancestors came over with
+William the Conqueror.
+
+_The New Girl:_ That's nothing! _My_ father came over in the same boat
+with Mary Pickford!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+It was Judgment Day, and throngs of people were crowding around the
+Pearly Gates trying to convince St. Peter that they were entitled to
+enter Heaven. To the first applicant St. Peter said, "What kind of a car
+do you own?"
+
+"A Packard," was the reply.
+
+"All right," said St. Peter, "you go over there with the Presbyterians."
+
+The next in line testified that he owned a Buick, and was told to stand
+over with the Congregationalists. Behind him was the owner of a Dodge,
+who was ordered to stand with the Baptists. Finally a meek little
+individual came along.
+
+"What kind of a car do you own?" was the question.
+
+"A Ford," was the answer.
+
+"You just think you own a car. You go over there with the Christian
+Scientists."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Housewife:_ My goodness! I don't believe you've washed yourself for
+a year.
+
+_The Hobo:_ Just about that. You see, I only washes before I eats.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Professor:_ A diamond is the hardest known substance, inasmuch as
+it will cut glass.
+
+_The Cynic:_ Glass! My dear sir, a diamond will even make an impression
+on a woman's heart.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Boss:_ What do you mean by such language? Are you the manager here or
+am I?
+
+_Jones:_ I know I'm not the manager.
+
+_The Boss:_ Very well, then, if you're not the manager, why do you talk
+like a blamed idiot?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Pa, what's an actor?"
+
+"An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the side of a stage, peer
+into the wings at a group of other actors waiting for their cues, a
+number of bored stage hands, and a lot of theatrical odds and ends, and
+exclaim, 'What a lovely view there is from this window!"'
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Is she making a rich marriage?"
+
+"I should hope to tell you; he is a butcher who has been arrested three
+times for profiteering."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SANDY SCORED
+
+A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed:
+
+"Well, Sandy, you're getting very bent. Why don't you stand up straight,
+like me?"
+
+"Eh, mon," replied Sandy, "d'ye see yon field of corn?"
+
+"I do," said the laird.
+
+"Ah, weel," said Sandy, "ye'll notice that the full heids hang down, an'
+that the empty yins stand up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WITH A RESERVATION
+
+"Miss Smith--Belinda," sighed the young man, passionately, "there is
+something I want to tell you--something that I----"
+
+"What is it?" asked the girl, as she leaned back in her chair, with a
+bored expression on her face.
+
+The young man drew a long breath, and his face turned to dull purple.
+"It is a question which is very near to any heart," he said awkwardly.
+"Could you--do you think you could ever marry a man like me?"
+
+"Oh, yes," replied Belinda, quite calmly, "that is, if he wasn't too
+much like you!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOO SMART
+
+A Chinaman entered a jeweller's in Liverpool and asked to be shown some
+"welly good watches." The proprietor, a Jew, being absent, the
+prospective customer was attended to by his daughter, who got out three
+watches, marked respectively _£_5, _£_4, and _£_3 10_s._, and laid them
+in a row on the counter.
+
+The Chink, after looking very closely at them, called the attention of
+the Jewess to a watch on a shelf behind her; as she turned to obtain the
+watch he placed the higher-priced watch, in the place of the
+lower-priced one, and, not caring for the watch now shown him, said: "Me
+no likee that; I takee cheapee watch," paid _£_3 10_s._, and departed.
+
+Soon the girl discovered the deception, and told her father on his
+return.
+
+"Never mind, my tear," said he, with a smile; "dose vatches cost all de
+same brice--two pound; but vat a scoundrel dat Chinaman must be!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT
+
+"Are all flowers popular?" asked the teacher.
+
+"No, ma'am," replied one of the bright little girls.
+
+"What flowers are not popular?"
+
+"Wall-flowers, ma'am."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NATIVE BORN
+
+"He hit me on de koko, yer honour."
+
+"Your head?"
+
+"Yes, yer honour."
+
+"Why don't you speak the English language?"
+
+"I do, yer honour. I never wuz out of dis country in me life."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE JONAH
+
+"Now, children," said the Sunday-school teacher, "I have told you the
+story of Jonah and the whale. Willie, you may tell me what this story
+teaches."
+
+"Yes'm," said Willie, the bright-eyed son ef the pastor; "it teaches
+that you can't keep a good man down."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE SUBSTITUTE
+
+A tourist at an hotel in Ireland asked the girl who waited at the table
+if he could have some poached eggs.
+
+"We haven't any eggs, sorr," she replied; then, after a moment's
+reflection, "but I think I could get ye some poached salmon."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE
+
+The maiden of, er--forty or so, was much upset.
+
+Quoth she to a younger friend:
+
+"Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was
+nothing but a hopeless old maid."
+
+"That's pretty frank!" exclaimed the friend.
+
+"Yes; wasn't it unladylike of her?"
+
+"It certainly was rude," agreed the other. "Still, it's better than
+having her tell lies about you."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GOOD OR BAD TURN?
+
+"Did your late employer give you a testimonial, Jack?"
+
+"Yes, Tom. But the way employers look at it when I apply for a job make
+one think there's something wrong with it."
+
+"What does it say, then?"
+
+"Why, he said I was one of the best men his firm had ever turned out."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TALKING SENSE
+
+"Darling," he asked, as he drew his fiancée closer to him, "am I the
+first man you have ever kissed?"
+
+"William," replied the American girl, somewhat testily, "before we go
+any further I would like to ask you a few questions. You are, no doubt,
+fully aware that my father is a millionaire something like ten times
+over, aren't you?"
+
+"Y-yes."
+
+"You understand, no doubt, that when he dies all of his vast fortune
+will be left to me?"
+
+"Y-yes."
+
+"You know that I have a quarter of a million dollars in cash in my name
+at the bank?"
+
+"Y-yes."
+
+"And own two and a half million dollars' worth of property?"
+
+"Y-yes."
+
+"That my diamonds are insured to the value of a quarter of a million
+dollars?"
+
+"Y-yes."
+
+"My horses and motor-cars are worth seventy-five thousand dollars?"
+
+"Y-yes."
+
+"Then, for goodness' sake, talk sense! What difference would it make to
+you if I had been kissed by a thousand men before I met you?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A MAGIC HEALER
+
+During an exciting game of football a player had two fingers of his
+right hand badly smashed, and on his way home from the ground he dropped
+into the doctor's to have them attended to.
+
+"Doctor," he asked, anxiously. "When this hand of mine heals, will I be
+able to play the piano?"
+
+"Certainly you will," the doctor assured him.
+
+"Then you're a wonder, doctor. I never could before."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SHE TOOK THEM
+
+"I don't know whether I like these photos or not," said the young woman.
+"They seem rather indistinct."
+
+"But, you must remember, madam," said the wily photographer, "that your
+face is not at all plain."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BUT HE'S ON HIS WAY
+
+Uncle Tom arrived at the station with the goat he was to ship north, but
+the freight agent was having difficulty in billing him.
+
+"What's this goat's destination, Uncle?" he asked.
+
+"Suh?"
+
+"I say, what's his destination? Where's he going?"
+
+Uncle Tom searched carefully for the tag. A bit of frayed cord was all
+that remained.
+
+"Dat ornery goat!" he exploded wrathfully. "Yo' know, suh, dat iggorant
+goat done completely et up his destination."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HER MATCH
+
+_Tommy:_ "What's an echo, pa?"
+
+_Pa:_ "An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of
+the last word."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?" demanded
+the boss angrily.
+
+"It's like this, boss," explained the tardy one; "you kept telling me
+not to watch the clock during office hours, and I got so I didn't watch
+it at home either."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SCIENTIFIC PROOF
+
+One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She
+asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of
+the time. One little girl spoke up and said:
+
+"Yes'm; when it is a cold day, I can see the smoke."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Bolshie Tubthumper:_ Yaas, there didn't ought to be no poor. We all
+ought to be wealthy, and the wealthy starvin' like us!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Sunday School Teacher:_ Now, Alfred, if you are always kind and polite
+to your playmates, what will be the result?
+
+_Alfred:_ They'll think they can lick me!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A NATURAL PICTURE
+
+A man and his eldest son went to have their photographs taken together,
+and the photographer said to the young man, "It will make a better
+picture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder."
+
+"H'm," said the father, "it would make a more natural picture if he put
+it in my pocket."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOTHING TO SMILE AT
+
+A Londoner was telling funny stories to a party of commercial men.
+
+An old Scotsman, sitting in a corner seat, apparently took not the
+smallest notice, and no matter how loud the laughter, went on quietly
+reading his paper. This exasperated the story-teller, until at last he
+said: "I think it would take an inch auger to put a joke into a
+Scotsman's head."
+
+A voice from behind the paper replied: "Ay, man, but it wid need tae hae
+a finer point than ony o' yer stories, a'm thinking!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+DREW BLANK
+
+The MacTavish was not a mean man. No; he just knew the value of money.
+
+So, when the MacTavish developed a sore throat he meditated fearfully
+upon the expenditure of a doctor's fee. As an alternative he hung about
+for a day and a half outside the local doctor's establishment. Finally
+he managed to catch the great man.
+
+"Say, doctor! Hoo's beez-ness wi' ye the noo?"
+
+"Oh, feyr, feyr!"
+
+"A s'pose ye've a deal o' prescribin' tae dae fer coolds an' sair
+throats?"
+
+"Ay!"
+
+"An' what dae ye gin'rally gie fer a sair throat?"
+
+"Naethin'," replied the canny old doctor, "I dinna' want a sair throat."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A FRIEND IN NEED
+
+What true friendship consists in depends on the temperament of the man
+who has a friend. It is related that at the funeral of Mr. Scroggs, who
+died extremely poor, the usually cold-blooded Squire Tightfist was much
+affected.
+
+"You thought a great deal of him, I suppose?" some one asked him.
+
+"Thought a great deal of him? I should think I did. There was a true
+friend. He never asked me to lend him a cent, though I knew well enough
+he was starving to death."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WHAT HE PREFERRED
+
+He was one of the few remaining old-time darkies. He had finished the
+odd jobs for which he had been employed, and, hat in hand, appeared at
+the back door.
+
+"How much is it, uncle?" he was asked.
+
+"Yo' say how much? Jest whatever yo' say, missus."
+
+"Oh, but I would rather you'd say how much," the lady of the house
+replied.
+
+"Yas, ma'am! But, ma'am, Ah'd rather hab de seventy-five cents yo 'would
+gimme dan de fifty cents Ah'd charge yo'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+READY TO JOIN
+
+_Minister:_ Would you care to join us in the new missionary movement?
+
+_Miss Ala Mode:_ I'm crazy to try it. Is it anything like the fox trot?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HELPFUL PA!
+
+_He:_ Do you think your father would be willing to help me in the
+future?
+
+_She:_ Well, I heard him say he felt like kicking you into the middle of
+next week.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Daughter," said the old man, sternly, "I positively forbid you marrying
+this young scapegrace! He is an inveterate poker player!"
+
+"But, papa," tearfully protested Alicia Hortense, "poker playing is not
+such an awful habit. Why, at your own club----"
+
+"That's where I got my information, daughter. I'll have no daughter of
+mine bringing home a man that I can't beat with a flush, a full house,
+and fours."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I think, Lucille, I'll take one of the children to the park with me.
+Which one do you think would go best with this dress?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HE KNEW
+
+Mr. and Mrs. Smith had been invited to a friend's for tea, and the time
+had arrived for preparing for the visit. "Come along, dearie," said Mr.
+Smith to her three-year-old son, "and have your face washed."
+
+"Don't want to be washed," came the reply.
+
+"But," said mother, "you don't want to be a dirty boy, do you? I want my
+little boy to have a nice, clean face for the ladies to kiss."
+
+Upon this persuasion he gave way, and was washed. A few minutes later he
+stood watching his father washing. "Ha, ha, daddy!" he cried, "I know
+why you're washing!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THEY WILT
+
+"Which weeds are the easiest to kill?" asked young Flickers of Farmer
+Sassfras, as he watched that good man at his work.
+
+"Widow's weeds," replied the farmer. "You have only to say 'Wilt thou?'
+and they wilt."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT STRONG ENOUGH
+
+Muriel, aged four, was taken by her governess to have tea with an aunt.
+Presently she began to eat a piece of very rich cake.
+
+"Oh, I just love this chocolate cake!" she exclaimed. "It's awfully
+nice."
+
+"Muriel, dear," corrected her governess, "it is wrong to say you 'love'
+cake, and I've frequently pointed out that 'just' is wrongly used in
+such a sentence. Again, 'awfully' is quite wrong, 'very' would be more
+correct, dear. Now repeat your remark, please."
+
+Muriel obediently repeated: "I like chocolate cake; it is very good."
+
+"That's better, dear," said the governess, approvingly.
+
+"But it sounds as if I was talking about bread," protested the little
+girl.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WHY HE PICKED PICTISH
+
+An English mother was visiting her son at college.
+
+"Well, dear," she said, "what languages did you decide to take?"
+
+"I have decided to take Pictish, mother," he replied.
+
+"Pictish?" said the puzzled lady. "Why Pictish?"
+
+"Only five words of it remain," he said.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+PLAYED THEM BOTH UP
+
+A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenly
+it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one of
+the areas. The lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for the
+appearance of the hoop's owner. He arrived.
+
+"Please, I've broken your window," he said, "and father's come to mend
+it."
+
+Sure enough the boy was followed by a man, who at once set to work,
+while the boy, taking his hoop, ran off. The window finished, the man
+said:
+
+"That'll be three shillings, mum."
+
+"Three shillings!" gasped the woman. "But your son broke it. The little
+fellow with the hoop. You're his father, aren't you?"
+
+The man shook his head.
+
+"Never seen him before," he said. "He came round to my place and said
+his mother wanted her window mended. You're his mother, aren't you?"
+
+And the good woman could only shake her head; for once words failed her.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+JUSTICE AT LAST
+
+It was the usual domestic storm.
+
+"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" moaned wifey in tears. "I wish I'd taken poor
+mother's advice, and never married you!"
+
+Hubby, the strong, silent man, swung round on her quickly, and at last
+found voice.
+
+"Did your mother try to stop you marrying me?" he demanded.
+
+Wifey nodded violently.
+
+A look of deep remorse crossed hubby's face.
+
+"Great Scott," he cried, in broken tones, "how I wronged that woman!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+IN ORDER TO BE FILLED
+
+Two negroes were working in a coal-bin in a Mississippi town, one down
+in the bin throwing out the coal and the other wielding a shovel. The
+one inside picked up a large lump and heaving it carelessly into the
+air, struck the other a resounding blow on the head.
+
+As soon as the victim had recovered from his momentary daze he walked
+over to the edge of the bin and, peering down at his mate, said:
+
+"Nigger, how come you don't watch where you throws dat coal? You done
+hit me smack on de haid."
+
+The other one looked surprised.
+
+"Did I hit you?"
+
+"You sho' did," came the answer. "And I jes' wants to tell you, I've
+been promising the debil a man a long time, and you certainly does
+resemble my promise."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"And would you love me as much if father lost all his money?"
+
+"Has he?"
+
+"Why, no."
+
+"Of course I would, darling."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Why do you object to children in your apartment house?"
+
+"As a matter of kindness. People who are raising families can't be
+expected to pay the rentals I require."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CAUSTIC
+
+A good story is told of a pawky old Scot, who like many others, finds
+himself rather short of cash just now. His account was £60 over drawn,
+and the banker rang him up on the telephone to tell him about it, and to
+suggest that he had better bring it down a bit or clear it altogether.
+
+"Oh, aye," replied the pawky one. "I'm £60 short am I? Will ye just look
+up an' tell me hoo my account stood in June?"
+
+"Oh," the banker said, "you were all right then; you had £250 to your
+credit."
+
+"Aye, an' did I ring you up in June?" was the caustic rejoinder.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The newly-elected president of a banking institution was being
+introduced to the employees. He singled out one of the men in the
+cashier's cage, questioning him in detail about his work, etc. "I have
+been here forty years," said the cashier's assistant, with conscious
+pride, "and in all that time I only made one slight mistake."
+
+"Good," replied the president. "Let me congratulate you. But hereafter
+be more careful."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_First Sailor_ (_searching vainly for his ship after a few hours'
+leave_): "But she was 'ere when we went ashore, wasn't she?"
+
+_Second Sailor:_ "It's them blokes at Washington. They've started
+scrappin' the fleet, an' begun on us."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT WORTH MUCH
+
+The tourist from the East had stopped to change tires in a desolate
+region of the far South. "I suppose," he remarked to a native onlooker,
+"that even in these isolated parts the bare necessities of life have
+risen tremendously in price?"
+
+"Y'er right, stranger," replied the native, "and it ain't worth drinkin'
+when ye get it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOTHING TO FEAR
+
+_Irate Golfer:_ "You must take your children away from here, madam; this
+is no place for them."
+
+_Mother:_ "Now don't you worry--they can't 'ear nothin' new--their
+father was a sergeant-major, 'e was!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MISLED
+
+_The Client:_ "I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that were
+advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b., and when they were delivered they
+were empty."
+
+_The Lawyer:_ "Well, what do you expect?"
+
+_The Client:_ "Full of booze. Isn't that what f. o. b. means?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+During a conversation between an Irishman and a Jew, the Irishman asked
+how it was that the Jews were so wise.
+
+"Because," said the Jew, "we eat a certain kind of fish;" and he offered
+to sell one for ten dollars.
+
+After paying his money, the Irishman received a small dried fish. He bit
+into it, then exclaimed: "Why, this is only a smoked herring."
+
+"See?" said the Jew. "You are getting wise already."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Yes," said the old man to his visitor, "I am proud of my girls and
+would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little
+money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary,
+twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1000
+when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five again. I
+shall give her $3000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will
+have $5000 with her." The young man reflected a moment and then asked,
+"You haven't one about fifty, have you?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Mary," said the mistress, "did you ask every one for cards to-day, as I
+told you, when they called?"
+
+"Yes'm. One fellow he wouldn't give me no card, but I swiped his hat an'
+shoved him off th' steps. Here's his name on th' sweat band."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall I do?"
+
+"But, my dear daughter, you've only known him three weeks."
+
+"I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I delay in accepting him
+he might find out some things about me he won't like, too."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Would you marry a man to reform him?"
+
+"What does he do?"
+
+"He drinks."
+
+"Marry him, girlie, and find out where he gets it. We need him badly in
+our set."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I would like to have a globe of the earth."
+
+"What size, madam?"
+
+"Life-size, of course."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Wife:_ "George, is that you?"
+
+_George:_ "Why certainly! Who else you 'shpecting at this timernight?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_She_ (_tenderly_): "And are mine the only lips you have kissed?"
+
+_He:_ "Yes, and they are the sweetest of all."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Jazz:_ "My girl told me she weighed 120 the other night."
+
+_Beau:_ "Stripped?"
+
+_Jazz:_ "Yeh; she was in an evening gown."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mrs. Newlywed_ (_on her first day's shopping_): "I want two pieces of
+steak and--and about half a pint of gravy."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Farmer:_ "Would you like to buy a jug of cider?"
+
+_Tourist:_ "Well--er--is it ambitious and willing to work?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Papa:_ "Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss you in the parlor last
+night?"
+
+_Daughter:_ "Because I was afraid he'd catch cold in the hall."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack."
+
+"Then why didn't you marry him?"
+
+"I met him again so often."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Interviewer:_ "What sort of girls make the best show-girls?"
+
+_Stage Manager:_ "Those who have the most to show, of course."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_She:_ "What do you mean by kissing me? What do you mean?"
+
+_He:_ "Er--er--nothing."
+
+_She:_ "Then don't you dare do it again. I won't have any man kissing me
+unless he means business, d'ye hear?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Foreman:_ "'Ow is it that little feller always carries two planks to
+your one?"
+
+_Laborer:_ "'Cos 'e's too blinkin' lazy to go back fer the other one."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady_ (_in box_): "Can you look over my shoulders?"
+
+_Sailor:_ "I've just been looking over both of them, an' by gosh they
+are great."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"How times have changed!"
+
+"Yes?"
+
+"Imagine Rosa Bonheur painting a flock of Ford tractors."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Sailor Bill:_ "These New York gals seem to be wearin' sort o' light
+canvas."
+
+_Sailor Dan:_ "Yes--you seldom see a full-rigged skirt, or anything."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Tramp:_ "Would you please 'elp a pore man whose wife is out o' work?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I 'ear your 'usband 'as turned Bolshie."
+
+"Well, not absolootly; but 'e 'as a lenin' that way."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A popular Oklahoma City salesman recently married, and was accompanied
+by his wife as he entered the dining-room of a Texas hotel famed for its
+excellent cuisine. His order was served promptly, but the fried chicken
+he had been telling his wife so much about was not in evidence.
+
+"Where is my chicken?" he asked somewhat irritably.
+
+The dusky waiter, leaning over and bringing his mouth in close proximity
+to the salesman's ear, replied:
+
+"Ef youse mean de li'l gal with blue eyes an' fluffy hair, she doan'
+wo'k heah no mo'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Do you really believe in heredity?"
+
+"Most certainly I do. That is how I came into all my money."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An attorney of Los Angeles advertised for a chauffeur. Some twenty-odd
+responded and were being questioned as to qualifications, efficiency,
+and whether married or single. Finally, turning to a negro chap, he
+said:
+
+"How about you, George, are you married?"
+
+Quickly the negro responded: "Naw-sir, boss, naw-sir. Ah makes mah own
+livin'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A boy and his mother were taking in the circus. Looking at the
+hippopotamus, he said: "Ma, ain't that the ugliest damn thing you ever
+saw?"
+
+"Bill," said his ma, "didn't I tell you never to say 'ain't.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Vell, Ikey, my poy," said Sol to his son, "I've made my vill and left
+it all to you."
+
+"That's very good of you, father," remarked Ike, eyeing him
+suspiciously. "But, bless you, it cost a lot of money for the lawyer and
+fees and things!"
+
+"Vell?" said Ike more suspiciously. "Vell, it ain't fair I should pay
+all dot, is it? So I'll shust take it off from your next month's
+salary."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mr. McNab_ (_after having his lease read over to him_): "I will not
+sign that; I have na' been able tae keep Ten Commandments for a mansion
+in Heaven, an' I'm no' gaun tae tackle about a hundred for twa rooms in
+the High Street."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Come, Dorothy," said her father impatiently, "throw your doll on the
+bed and hurry or we shall be late."
+
+"Daddy, how can you?" reproved the child. "I isn't' that kind of a
+muvver."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"You say you doted on your last mistress?"
+
+"Yes, mum. I certainly did."
+
+"Then why did you leave her?"
+
+"We couldn't continue to be friends on my wages, mum."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"What's the matter with Smith? Got lumbago or spinal curvature or
+something?"
+
+"No; he has to walk that way to fit some shirts his wife made for him."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"James, have you whispered to-day without permission?"
+
+"Only wunst."
+
+"Leroy, should James have said wunst?"
+
+"No'm; he should have said twict."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"It appears to be your record, Mary," said the magistrate, "that you
+have already been convicted thirty-five times of stealing."
+
+"I guess that's right, your honor," answered Mary. "No woman is
+perfect."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"That you, dearie? I'm detained at the office on very important business
+and I may not be home until late. Don't sit up for me."
+
+"I won't, dearie. You'll come home as early as you can, won't you? And
+John, dear----"
+
+"Yes; what is it?"
+
+"Please don't draw to any inside straights."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The City Nephew:_ "I'm glad to see Aunt Hetty dresses her hair sensibly
+instead of wearing those silly puffs over the ears."
+
+_Uncle Talltimber:_ "She tried 'em once an' they got tangled up with the
+telephone receiver an' she missed more'n half the gossip goin' on over
+our twenty-party line."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Ethel," said the bishop, "you seem to be a bright little girl; can you
+repeat a verse from the Bible?"
+
+"I'll say I can."
+
+"Well, my dear, let us have it."
+
+"The Lord is my shepherd--I should worry."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Wishing to give his Scotch steward a treat a man invited him to London,
+and on the night after his arrival took him to a hotel to dine. During
+the early part of the dinner the steward was noticed to help himself
+very liberally to the champagne, glass after glass of the wine
+disappearing. Still he seemed very downhearted and morose. Presently he
+was heard to remark, "Well, I hope they'll not be very long wi' the
+whisky, as I dinna get on verra weel wi' these mineral waters."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An astronomer was entertaining a Scotch friend. He showed his visitor
+the moon through a telescope and asked him what he thought of the
+satellite.
+
+"It's a' richt," replied the Scot, who was an enthusiastic golfer, "but
+it's awfu' fu' o' bunkers."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"What are you doing, Marjory?"
+
+"I'se writing a letter to Lily Smif."
+
+"But, darling, you don't know how to write."
+
+"That's no diff'ence, mamma; Lily don't know how to read."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"What sort of an appearing man is he?"
+
+"Little dried-up feller," replied the gaunt Missourian, "that looks like
+he always ett at the second table."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Did you hear about the awful trouble that has befallen Mrs. Talkalot?"
+
+"Don't tell me she has lost her voice."
+
+"No, her husband has lost his hearing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Two darky boys in a Southern city met on the street, each wearing a new
+suit. One asked:
+
+"Nigger, how much do they set you back for dem clo's?"
+
+"Fo'ty dollahs," was the response.
+
+"Fo'ty dollahs?"
+
+"Yes, sah; fo'ty dollahs."
+
+"Look at me," said the first. "I'se got on a suit w'at's mos' perzactly
+like yourn, and I don't pay but ten dollahs fuh mine. Somebody shore
+flimflammed you."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The possessor of the forty-dollar suit took hold of one of the coat
+sleeves of the ten-dollar suit and pulled on it. It stretched. Then
+straightening up he said:
+
+"See here, boy, the fust big rain yo' gets ketched out in dat coat of
+yourn is gwine to say, 'Good-by, nigger, f'om now on I'se gwine to be
+yo' vest.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Do you think I shall live until I'm ninety, doctor?"
+
+"How old are you now?"
+
+"Forty."
+
+"Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?"
+
+"No. I don't drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I haven't
+any vices."
+
+"Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I say, Madge, it's bitterly cold. Hadn't you better put something on
+your chest?"
+
+"Don't worry, old thing. I've powdered it three times."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Father:_ "Well, son, you certainly made a fool of yourself! That girl
+robbed you of every cent you had."
+
+_Son:_ "Well, dad, you have to hand it to me for picking them clever."
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jokes For All Occasions, by Anonymous
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS ***
+
+***** This file should be named 21084-8.txt or 21084-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/2/1/0/8/21084/
+
+Produced by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier, Martin Pettit and
+the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/21084-8.zip b/21084-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ecc376c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-8.zip
diff --git a/21084-h.zip b/21084-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a200bcb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-h.zip
diff --git a/21084-h/21084-h.htm b/21084-h/21084-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7dcbe09
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-h/21084-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,13761 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+  <head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" />
+    <title>
+      The Project Gutenberg eBook of Jokes For All Occasions, by Anonymous.
+    </title>
+    <style type="text/css">
+/*<![CDATA[  XML blockout */
+<!--
+    p {  margin-top: .75em;
+         text-align: justify;
+         margin-bottom: .75em;
+         }
+    h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {
+         text-align: center; /* all headings centered */
+         clear: both;
+         }
+    hr { width: 33%;
+	 margin-top: 2em;
+	 margin-bottom: 2em;
+         margin-left: auto;
+         margin-right: auto;
+         clear: both;
+       }
+
+    body{margin-left: 10%;
+         margin-right: 10%;
+        }
+
+    hr.smler { width: 10%; }
+
+    table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;}
+
+    .pagenum  { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */
+            /*  visibility: hidden;  */
+                position: absolute;
+                left: 92%;
+                font-size: smaller;
+                text-align: right;
+                text-indent: 0px;
+              } /* page numbers */
+
+    .center   {text-align: center;}
+    .smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
+
+    .right            {text-align: right;}
+    .left             {text-align: left;}
+    .tbrk	  {  margin-top: 2.75em;
+                   text-align: justify;
+                   margin-bottom: .75em;}
+
+    .poem             {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; text-align: left;}
+    .poem br          {display: none;}
+    .poem .stanza     {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+    .poem div        {display: block; margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+    .poem div.i1     {display: block; margin-left: 1em;}
+
+
+    /* index */
+
+    div.index ul li { padding-top: 1em ;text-align: center; }
+
+    div.index ul ul ul, div.index ul li ul li { padding: 0; text-align: left; }
+
+    div.index ul { list-style: none;  margin: 0; }
+
+    div.index ul, div.index ul ul ul li { display: inline; }
+
+    // -->
+    /* XML end  ]]>*/
+    </style>
+  </head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Jokes For All Occasions, by Anonymous
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Jokes For All Occasions
+       Selected and Edited by One of America's Foremost Public Speakers
+
+Author: Anonymous
+
+Release Date: April 15, 2007 [EBook #21084]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier, Martin Pettit and
+the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<h1>JOKES</h1>
+
+<h2>FOR ALL OCCASIONS</h2>
+
+<h3>SELECTED AND EDITED BY ONE<br />OF AMERICA'S FOREMOST<br />PUBLIC SPEAKERS</h3>
+
+<p class="tbrk">&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p class="center"><img src="images/001.png" width='100' height='168' alt="Publisher's logo" /></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk">&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p class="center">NEW YORK<br />EDWARD J. CLODE</p>
+
+<hr class="smler" />
+
+<p class="tbrk">&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Copyright, 1921, 1922, by</span><br />
+<br /><span class="smcap">Edward J. Clode</span></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk">&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Printed in the United States of America</i></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk">&nbsp;</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h1>JOKES</h1>
+
+<h2>FOR ALL OCCASIONS</h2>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>CONTENTS</h2>
+
+<div class="index">
+<ul>
+<li><a href="#PREFACE">PREFACE</a></li>
+<li><a href="#INTRODUCTION">INTRODUCTION</a></li>
+<li><a href="#STORIES">STORIES</a></li>
+<li><a href="#The_following_pages_have_been_selected_and_edited_by_Lifes_famous">PAGES SELECTED AND EDITED BY "LIFE'S" FAMOUS CONTRIBUTOR</a></li>
+</ul>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="PREFACE" id="PREFACE"></a>PREFACE</h2>
+
+<p>The ways of telling a story are as many as the tellers themselves. It is
+impossible to lay down precise rules by which any one may perfect
+himself in the art, but it is possible to offer suggestions by which to
+guide practise in narration toward a gratifying success.</p>
+
+<p>Broadly distinguished, there are two methods of telling a story. One
+uses the extreme of brevity, and makes its chief reliance on the point.
+The other devotes itself in great part to preliminary elaboration in the
+narrative, making this as amusing as possible, so that the point itself
+serves to cap a climax. In the public telling of an anecdote the tyro
+would be well advised to follow the first method. That is, he should put
+his reliance on the point of the story, and on this alone. He should
+scrupulously limit himself to such statements as are absolutely
+essential to clear understanding of the point. He should make a careful
+examination of the story with two objects in mind: the first, to
+determine just what is required in the way of explanation; the second,
+an exact understanding of the point itself. Then, when it comes to the
+relating of the story, he must simply give the information required by
+the hearers in order to appreciate the point. As to the point itself, he
+must guard against any carelessness. Omission of an essential detail is
+fatal. It may be well for him, at the outset, to memorize the conclusion
+of the story. No matter how falteringly the story is told, it will
+succeed if the point itself be made clear, and this is insured for even
+the most embarrassed speaker by memorizing it.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p><p>The art of making the whole narration entertaining and amusing is to be
+attained only by intelligent practise. It is commonly believed that
+story-sellers are born, not made. As a matter of fact, however, the
+skilled raconteurs owe their skill in great measure to the fact that
+they are unwearying in practise. It is, therefore, recommended to any
+one having ambition in this direction that he cultivate his ability by
+exercising it. He should practise short and simple stories according to
+his opportunities, with the object of making the narration smooth and
+easy. An audience of one or two familiar friends is sufficient in the
+earlier efforts. Afterward, the practise may be extended before a larger
+number of listeners on social occasions. When facility has been attained
+in the simplest form, attempts to extend the preliminary narrative
+should be made. The preparation should include an effort to invest the
+characters of the story; or its setting, with qualities amusing in
+themselves, quite apart from any relation to the point. Precise
+instruction cannot be given, but concentration along this line will of
+itself develop the humorous perception of the story-teller, so that,
+though the task may appear too difficult in prospect, it will not prove
+so in actual experience. But, in every instance, care must be exercised
+to keep the point of the story clearly in view, and to omit nothing
+essential in the preparation for it.</p>
+
+<p>In the selection of stories to be retailed, it is the part of wisdom to
+choose the old, rather than the new. This is because the new story, so
+called, travels with frightful velocity under modern social conditions,
+and, in any particular case, the latest story, when told by you to a
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span>friend, has just been heard by him from some other victim of it. But
+the memory of most persons for stories is very short. Practically never
+does it last for years. So, it is uniformly safe to present as novelties
+at the present day the humor of past decades. Moreover, the exercise of
+some slight degree of ingenuity will serve to give those touches in the
+way of change by which the story may be brought up to date. Indeed, by
+such adaptation, the story is made really one's own&mdash;as the professional
+humorists thankfully admit!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="INTRODUCTION" id="INTRODUCTION"></a>INTRODUCTION</h2>
+
+<p>Wit and humor, and the distinction between them, defy precise
+definition. Luckily, they need none. To one asking what is beauty, a wit
+replied: "That is the question of a blind man." Similarly, none requires
+a definition of wit and humor unless he himself be lacking in all
+appreciation of them, and, if he be so lacking, no amount of explanation
+will avail to give him understanding. Borrow, in one of his sermons,
+declared concerning wit: "It is, indeed, a thing so versatile,
+multiform, appearing in so many shapes and garbs, so variously
+apprehended of several eyes and judgments, that it seemeth no less hard
+to settle a clear and certain notion thereof than to make a portrait of
+Proteus, or to define the figure of the fleeting wind." Nor is it
+fitting to attempt exact distinctions between wit and humor, which are
+essentially two aspects of one thing. It is enough to realize that humor
+is the product of nature rather than of art, while wit is the expression
+of an intellectual art. Humor exerts an emotional appeal, produces
+smiles or laughter; wit may be amusing, or it may not, according to the
+circumstances, but it always provokes an intellectual appreciation.
+Thus, Nero made a pun on the name of Seneca, when the philosopher was
+brought before him for sentence. In speaking the decree that the old man
+should kill himself, the emperor used merely the two Latin words: "Se
+neca." We admit the ghastly cleverness of the jest, but we do not
+chuckle over it.</p>
+
+<p>The element of surprise is common to both wit and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> humor, and it is
+often a sufficient cause for laughter in itself, irrespective of any
+essentially amusing quality in the cause of the surprise. The
+unfamiliar, for this reason, often has a ludicrous appeal to primitive
+peoples. An African tribe, on being told by the missionary that the
+world is round, roared with laughter for hours; it is told of a Mikado
+that he burst a blood-vessel and died in a fit of merriment induced by
+hearing that the American people ruled themselves. In like fashion, the
+average person grins or guffaws at sight of a stranger in an outlandish
+costume, although, as a matter of fact, the dress may be in every
+respect superior to his own. Simply, its oddity somehow tickles the
+risibilities. Such surprise is occasioned by contrasting circumstances.
+When a pompous gentleman, marching magnificently, suddenly steps on a
+banana peel, pirouettes, somersaults, and sits with extreme violence, we
+laugh before asking if he broke a leg.</p>
+
+<p>The fundamentals of wit and humor are the same throughout all the
+various tribes of earth, throughout all the various ages of history. The
+causes of amusement are essentially the same everywhere and always, and
+only the setting changes according to time and place. But racial
+characteristics establish preferences for certain aspects of fun-making,
+and such preferences serve to some extent in differentiating the written
+humor of the world along the lines of nationality. Nevertheless, it is a
+fact that the really amusing story has an almost universal appeal. I
+have seen in an American country newspaper a town correspondent's
+humorous effort in which he gave Si Perkins's explanation of being in
+jail. And that explanation ran on all fours with a Chinese<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> story ages
+and ages old. The local correspondent did not plagiarize from the
+Chinaman: merely, the humorous bent of the two was identical. In the
+ancient Oriental tale, a man who wore the thief's collar as a punishment
+was questioned by an acquaintance concerning the cause of his plight.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, it was just nothing at all," the convict explained easily. "I was
+strolling along the edge of the canal, when I happened to catch sight of
+a bit of old rope. Of course, I knew that old piece of rope was of no
+use to anyone, and so I just picked it up, and took it home with me."</p>
+
+<p>"But I don't understand," the acquaintance exclaimed. "Why should they
+punish you so severely for a little thing like that? I don't understand
+it."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't understand it, either," the convict declared, "unless, maybe,
+it was because there was an ox at the other end of the rope."</p>
+
+<p>The universality of humor is excellently illustrated in Greek
+literature, where is to be found many a joke at which we are laughing
+to-day, as others have laughed through the centuries. Half a thousand
+years before the Christian era, a platonic philosopher at Alexandria, by
+name Hierocles, grouped twenty-one jests in a volume under the title,
+"Asteia." Some of them are still current with us as typical Irish bulls.
+Among these were accounts of the "Safety-first" enthusiast who
+determined never to enter the water until he had learned to swim; of the
+horse-owner, training his nag to live without eating, who was successful
+in reducing the feed to a straw a day, and was about to cut this off
+when the animal spoiled the test by dying untimely; of the fellow who
+posed <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span>before a looking glass with his eyes closed, to learn how he
+looked when asleep; of the inquisitive person who held a crow captive in
+order to test for himself whether it would live two centuries; of the
+man who demanded to know from an acquaintance met in the street whether
+it was he or his twin brother who had just been buried. Another Greek
+jest that has enjoyed a vogue throughout the world at large, and will
+doubtless survive even prohibition, was the utterance of Diogenes, when
+he was asked as to what sort of wine he preferred. His reply was: "That
+of other people."</p>
+
+<p>Again, we may find numerous duplicates of contemporary stories of our
+own in the collection over which generations of Turks have laughed, the
+tales of Nasir Eddin. In reference to these, it may be noted that
+Turkish wit and humor are usually distinguished by a moralizing quality.
+When a man came to Nasir Eddin for the loan of a rope, the request was
+refused with the excuse that Nasir's only piece had been used to tie up
+flour. "But it is impossible to tie up flour with a rope," was the
+protest. Nasir Eddin answered: "I can tie up anything with a rope when I
+do not wish to lend it."</p>
+
+<p>When another would have borrowed his ass, Nasir replied that he had
+already loaned the animal. Thereupon, the honest creature brayed from
+the stable. "But the ass is there," the visitor cried indignantly. "I
+hear it!" Nasir Eddin retorted indignantly: "What! Would you take the
+word of an ass instead of mine?"</p>
+
+<p>In considering the racial characteristics of humor, we should pay
+tribute to the Spanish in the person of Cervantes, for <i>Don Quixote</i> is
+a mine of drollery. But the bulk of the humor among all the Latin races
+is of a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> sort that our more prudish standards cannot approve. On the
+other hand, German humor often displays a characteristic spirit of
+investigation. Thus, the little boy watching the pupils of a girls'
+school promenading two by two, graded according to age, with the
+youngest first and the oldest last, inquired of his mother: "Mama, why
+is it that the girls' legs grow shorter as they grow older?" In the way
+of wit, an excellent illustration is afforded by Heine, who on receiving
+a book from its author wrote in acknowledgment of the gift: "I shall
+lose no time in reading it."</p>
+
+<p>The French are admirable in both wit and humor, and the humor is usually
+kindly, though the shafts of wit are often barbed. I remember a humorous
+picture of a big man shaking a huge trombone in the face of a tiny
+canary in its cage, while he roars in anger: "That's it! Just as I was
+about, with the velvety tones of my instrument, to imitate the
+twittering of little birds in the forest, you have to interrupt with
+your infernal din!" The caustic quality of French wit is illustrated
+plenteously by Voltaire. There is food for meditation in his utterance:
+"Nothing is so disagreeable as to be obscurely hanged." He it was, too,
+who sneered at England for having sixty religions and only one gravy. To
+an adversary in argument who quoted the minor prophet Habakkuk, he
+retorted contemptuously: "A person with a name like that is capable of
+saying anything."</p>
+
+<p>But French wit is by no means always of the cutting sort. Its more
+amiable aspect is shown by the declaration of Brillat Savarin to the
+effect that a dinner without cheese is like a beautiful woman with only
+one eye. Often the wit is merely the measure of absurdity, as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> when a
+courtier in speaking of a fat friend said: "I found him sitting all
+around the table by himself." And there is a ridiculous story of the
+impecunious and notorious Marquis de Favi&egrave;res who visited a Parisian
+named Barnard, and announced himself as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Monsieur, I am about to astonish you greatly. I am the Marquis de
+Favi&egrave;res. I do not know you, but I come to you to borrow five-hundred
+luis."</p>
+
+<p>Barnard answered with equal explicitness:</p>
+
+<p>"Monsieur, I am going to astonish you much more. I know you, and I am
+going to lend them to you."</p>
+
+<p>The amiable malice, to use a paradoxical phrase, which is often
+characteristic of French tales, is capitally displayed in the following:</p>
+
+<p>The wife of a villager in Poitou became ill, and presently fell into a
+trance, which deceived even the physician, so that she was pronounced
+dead, and duly prepared for burial. Following the local usage, the body
+was wrapped in a sheet, to be borne to the burial place on the shoulders
+of four men chosen from the neighborhood. The procession followed a
+narrow path leading across the fields to the cemetery. At a turning, a
+thorn tree stood so close that one of the thorns tore through the sheet
+and lacerated the woman's flesh. The blood flowed from the wound, and
+she suddenly aroused to consciousness. Fourteen years elapsed before the
+good wife actually came to her deathbed. On this occasion, the
+ceremonial was repeated. And now, as the bearers of the body approached
+the turn of the path, the husband called to them:</p>
+
+<p>"Look out for the thorn tree, friends!"</p>
+
+<p>The written humor of the Dutch does not usually<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span> make a very strong
+appeal to us. They are inclined to be ponderous even in their play, and
+lack in great measure the sarcasm and satire and the lighter subtlety in
+fun-making. History records a controversy between Holland and Zealand,
+which was argued pro and con during a period of years with great
+earnestness. The subject for debate that so fascinated the Dutchmen was:
+"Does the cod take the hook, or does the hook take the cod?"</p>
+
+<p>Because British wit and humor often present themselves under aspects
+somewhat different from those preferred by us, we belittle their efforts
+unjustly. As a matter of fact, the British attainments in this direction
+are the best in the world, next to our own. Moreover, in the British
+colonies is to be found a spirit of humor that exactly parallels our own
+in many distinctive features. Thus, there is a Canadian story that might
+just as well have originated below the line, of an Irish girl, recently
+imported, who visited her clergyman and inquired his fee for marrying.
+He informed her that his charge was two dollars. A month later, the girl
+visited the clergyman for the second time, and at once handed him two
+dollars, with the crisp direction, "Go ahead and marry me."</p>
+
+<p>"Where is the bridegroom?" the clergyman asked.</p>
+
+<p>"What!" exclaimed the girl, dismayed. "Don't you furnish him for the two
+dollars?"</p>
+
+<p>It would seem that humor is rather more enjoyable to the British taste
+than wit, though there is, indeed, no lack of the latter. But the people
+delight most in absurd situations that appeal to the risibilities
+without any injury to the feelings of others. For example,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> Dickens
+relates an anecdote concerning two men, who were about to be hanged at a
+public execution. When they were already on the scaffold in preparation
+for the supreme moment, a bull being led to market broke loose and ran
+amuck through the great crowd assembled to witness the hanging. One of
+the condemned men on the scaffold turned to his fellow, and remarked:</p>
+
+<p>"I say, mate, it's a good thing we're not in that crowd."</p>
+
+<p>In spite of the gruesome setting and the gory antics of the bull, the
+story is amusing in a way quite harmless. Similarly, too, there is only
+wholesome amusement in the woman's response to a vegetarian, who made
+her a proposal of marriage. She did, not mince her words:</p>
+
+<p>"Go along with you! What? Be flesh of your flesh, and you a-living on
+cabbage? Go marry a grass widow!"</p>
+
+<p>The kindly spirit of British humor is revealed even in sarcastic jesting
+on the domestic relation, which, on the contrary, provokes the bitterest
+jibes of the Latins. The shortest of jokes, and perhaps the most famous,
+was in the single word of <i>Punch's</i> advice to those about to get
+married:</p>
+
+<p>"Don't!"</p>
+
+<p>The like good nature is in the words of a woman who was taken to a
+hospital in the East End of London. She had been shockingly beaten, and
+the attending surgeon was moved to pity for her and indignation against
+her assailant.</p>
+
+<p>"Who did this?" he demanded. "Was it your husband?"</p>
+
+<p>"Lor' bless yer, no!" she declared huffily. "W'y, my 'usband 'e 's more
+like a friend nor a 'usband!"</p>
+
+<p>Likewise, of the two men who had drunk not wisely<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> but too well, with
+the result that in the small hours they retired to rest in the gutter.
+Presently, one of the pair lifted his voice in protest:</p>
+
+<p>"I shay, le's go to nuzzer hotel&mdash;this leaksh!"</p>
+
+<p>Or the incident of the tramp, who at the back door solicited alms of a
+suspicious housewife. His nose was large and of a purple hue. The woman
+stared at it with an accusing eye, and questioned bluntly:</p>
+
+<p>"What makes your nose so red?"</p>
+
+<p>The tramp answered with heavy sarcasm:</p>
+
+<p>"That 'ere nose o' mine, mum, is a-blushin' with pride, 'cause it ain't
+stuck into other folks's business."</p>
+
+<p>But British wit, while often amiable enough, may on occasion be as
+trenchant as any French sally. For example, we have the definition of
+gratitude as given by Sir Robert Walpole&mdash;"A lively sense of future
+favors." The Marquis of Salisbury once scored a clumsy partner at whist
+by his answer to someone who asked how the game progressed: "I'm doing
+as well as could be expected, considering that I have three
+adversaries." So the retort of Lamb, when Coleridge said to him:
+"Charles, did you ever hear me lecture?". * * * "I never heard you do
+anything else." And again, Lamb mentioned in a letter how Wordsworth had
+said that he did not see much difficulty in writing like Shakespeare, if
+he had a mind to try it. "Clearly," Lamb continued, "nothing is wanted
+but the mind." Then there is the famous quip that runs back to Tudor
+times, although it has been attributed to various later celebrities,
+including Doctor Johnson: A concert singer was executing a number lurid
+with vocal pyrotechnics. An admirer <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span>remarked that the piece was
+tremendously difficult. This drew the retort from another auditor:</p>
+
+<p>"Difficult! I wish to heaven it were impossible!"</p>
+
+<p>Americans are famous, and sometimes infamous, for their devotion to the
+grotesque in humor. Yet, a conspicuous example of such amusing absurdity
+was given by Thackeray, who made reference to an oyster so large that it
+took two men to swallow it whole.</p>
+
+<p>It is undeniable that the British are fond of puns. It is usual to sneer
+at the pun as the lowest form of wit. Such, alas! it too often is, and
+frequently, as well, it is a form of no wit at all. But the pun may
+contain a very high form of wit, and may please either for its
+cleverness, or for its amusing quality, or for the combination of the
+two. Naturally, the really excellent pun has always been in favor with
+the wits of all countries. Johnson's saying, that a man who would make a
+pun would pick a pocket, is not to be taken too seriously. It is not
+recorded that Napier ever "pinched a leather," but he captured Scinde,
+and in notifying the government at home of this victory he sent a
+dispatch of one word, "<i>Peccavi</i>" ("I have sinned"). The pun is of the
+sort that may be appreciated intellectually for its cleverness, while
+not calculated to cause laughter. Of the really amusing kind are the
+innumerable puns of Hood. He professed himself a man of many sorrows,
+who had to be a lively Hood for a livelihood. His work abounds in an
+ingenious and admirable mingling of wit and humor. For example:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>"Ben Battle was a soldier bold,</div>
+<div class="i1">And used to war's alarms,</div>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span><div>But a cannon ball took off his legs,</div>
+<div class="i1">So he laid down his arms.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>"And as they took him off the field,</div>
+<div class="i1">Cried he, 'Let others shoot,</div>
+<div>'For here I leave my second leg,</div>
+<div class="i1">'And the Forty-Second Foot.'"</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>It is doubtless true that it would require a surgical operation to get a
+joke into some particular Scotchman's head. But we have some persons of
+the sort even in our own country. Many of the British humorists have
+been either Scotch or Irish, and it is rather profitless to attempt
+distinctions as to the humorous sense of these as contrasted with the
+English. Usually, stories of thrift and penuriousness are told of the
+Scotch without doing them much injustice, while bulls are designated
+Irish with sufficient reasonableness. In illustration of the Scotch
+character, we may cite the story of the visitor to Aberdeen, who was
+attacked by three footpads. He fought them desperately, and inflicted
+severe injuries. When at last he had been subdued and searched the only
+money found on him was a crooked sixpence. One of the thieves remarked
+glumly:</p>
+
+<p>"If he'd had a good shilling, he'd have killed the three of us."</p>
+
+<p>And there is the classic from <i>Punch</i> of the Scotchman, who, on his
+return home from a visit to London, in describing his experiences,
+declared:</p>
+
+<p>"I had na been there an hour when bang! went saxpence!"</p>
+
+<p>Anent the Irish bull, we may quote an Irishman's answer when asked to
+define a bull. He said:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p><p>"If you see thirteen cows lying down in a field, and one of them is
+standing up, that's a bull."</p>
+
+<p>A celebrity to whom many Irish bulls have been accredited was Sir Boyle
+Roche. He wrote in a letter:</p>
+
+<p>"At this very moment, my dear&mdash;&mdash;, I am writing this with a sword in one
+hand and a pistol in the other."</p>
+
+<p>He it was who in addressing the Irish House of Commons asserted stoutly:</p>
+
+<p>"Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest of all possible
+misfortune is usually followed by a greater."</p>
+
+<p>And there is the hospitable invitation of the Irishman:</p>
+
+<p>"Sir, if you ever come within a mile of my house, I hope you will stop
+there." And it was an Irishman who remarked to another concerning a
+third: "You are thin, and I am thin, but he's as thin as the two of us
+put together." Also, it was an Irishman who, on being overtaken by a
+storm, remarked to his friend: "Sure, we'll get under a tree, and whin
+it's wet through, faith, we'll get under another."</p>
+
+<p>Naturally, we Americans have our own bulls a plenty, and they are by no
+means all derived from our Irish stock. Yet, that same Irish stock
+contributes largely and very snappily to our fund of humor. For the
+matter of that, the composite character of our population multiplies the
+varying phases of our fun. We draw for laughter on all the almost
+countless racial elements that form our citizenry. And the whole content
+of our wit and humor is made vital by the spirit of youth. The newness
+of our land and nation gives zest to the pursuit of mirth. We ape the
+old, but fashion its semblance to suit our livelier fancy. We moralize
+in our jesting like the Turk,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> but are likely to veil the maxim under
+the motley of a Yiddish dialect. Our humor may be as meditative as the
+German at its best, but with a grotesque flavoring all our own. Thus,
+the widow, in plaintive reminiscence concerning the dear departed, said
+musingly:</p>
+
+<p>"If John hadn't blowed into the muzzle of his gun, I guess he'd 'a' got
+plenty of squirrels. It was such a good day for them!"</p>
+
+<p>And in the moralizing vein, this:</p>
+
+<p>The little girl had been very naughty. She was bidden by her mother to
+make an addition to the accustomed bedtime prayer&mdash;a request that God
+would make her a better girl. So, the dear child prayed: "And, O God,
+please make Nellie a good little girl." And then, with pious
+resignation, she added:</p>
+
+<p>"Nevertheless, O God, Thy will, not mine, be done."</p>
+
+<p>At times, we are as cynical as the French. So of the husband, who
+confessed that at first after his marriage he doted on his bride to such
+an extent that he wanted to eat her&mdash;later, he was sorry that he hadn't.</p>
+
+<p>Our sophistication is such that this sort of thing amuses us, and, it is
+produced only too abundantly. Luckily, in contrast to it, we have no
+lack of that harmless jesting which is more typically English. For
+example, the kindly old lady in the elevator questioned the attendant
+brightly:</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you get awful tired, sonny?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, mum," the boy in uniform admitted.</p>
+
+<p>"What makes you so tired, sonny? Is it the going up?'</p>
+
+<p>"No, mum."</p>
+
+<p>"Is it the going down?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p><p>"No, mum."</p>
+
+<p>"Then what is it makes you so tired, sonny?"</p>
+
+<p>"It's the questions, mum."</p>
+
+<p>And this of the little boy, who was asked by his mother as to what he
+would like to give his cousin for a birthday present.</p>
+
+<p>"I know," was the reply, "but I ain't big enough."</p>
+
+<p>Many of our humorists have maintained a constant geniality in their
+humor, even in the treatment of distressing themes. For example, Josh
+Billings made the announcement that one hornet, if it was feeling well,
+could break up a whole camp meeting. Bill Nye, Artemas Ward and many
+another American writer have given in profusion of amiable sillinesses
+to make the nation laugh. It was one of these that told how a drafted
+man sought exemption because he was a negro, a minister, over age, a
+British subject, and an habitual drunkard.</p>
+
+<p>The most distinctive flavor in American humor is that of the grotesque.
+It is characteristic in Mark Twain's best work, and it is characteristic
+of most of those others who have won fame as purveyors of laughter. The
+American tourist brags of his own:</p>
+
+<p>"Talk of Vesuve&mdash;huh! Niag'll put her out in three minutes." That
+polished writer, Irving, did not hesitate to declare that Uncle Sam
+believed the earth tipped when he went West. In the archives of our
+government is a state paper wherein President Lincoln referred to
+Mississippi gunboats with draught so light that they would float
+wherever the ground was a little damp. Typically American in its
+grotesquerie was the assertion of a rural humorist who asserted that the
+hogs<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> thereabout were so thin they had to have a knot tied in their
+tails to prevent them from crawling through the chinks in the fence.</p>
+
+<p>Ward displayed the like quality amusingly in his remark to the conductor
+of a tediously slow-moving accommodation train in the South. From his
+seat in the solitary passenger coach behind the long line of freight
+cars, he addressed the official with great seriousness:</p>
+
+<p>"I ask you, conductor, why don't you take the cow-catcher off the engine
+and put it behind the car here? As it is now, there ain't a thing to
+hinder a cow from strolling into a car and biting a passenger."</p>
+
+<p>Similar extravagance appears in another story of a crawling train. The
+conductor demanded a ticket from a baldheaded old man whose face was
+mostly hidden in a great mass of white whiskers.</p>
+
+<p>"I give it to ye," declared the ancient.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't reckon so," the conductor answered. "Where did you get on?"</p>
+
+<p>"At Perkins' Crossin'," he of the hoary beard replied.</p>
+
+<p>The conductor shook his head emphatically.</p>
+
+<p>"Wasn't anybody got aboard at Perkins' Crossin' 'cept one little boy."</p>
+
+<p>"I," wheezed the aged man, "was that little boy."</p>
+
+<p>In like fashion, we tell of a man so tall that he had to go up on a
+ladder to shave himself&mdash;and down cellar to put his boots on.</p>
+
+<p>We Americans are good-natured, as is necessary for humor, and we have
+brains, as is necessary for wit, and we have the vitality that makes
+creation easy, even inevitable. So there is never any dearth among us of
+the spirit of laughter, of its multiform products that by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> their power
+to amuse make life vastly more agreeable. Every newspaper, and most
+magazines carry their quota of jests. Never, anywhere, was the good
+story so universally popular as in America today. It is received with
+gusto in the councils of government, in church, in club, in cross-roads
+store. The teller of good stories is esteemed by all, a blessing
+undisguised. The collection that follows in this volume is, it is
+believed, of a sort that will help mightily to build an honorable fame
+for the narrator.</p>
+
+<p>For greater convenience in references to the volume, the various stories
+and anecdotes are placed under headings arranged in alphabetical order.
+The heading in every case indicates the subject to which the narration
+may be directly applied. This will be found most useful in selecting
+illustrations for addresses of any sort, or for use in arguments.
+History tells us how Lincoln repeatedly carried conviction by expressing
+his ideas through the medium of a story. His method is rendered
+available for any one by this book.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p>
+
+<h1><a name="STORIES" id="STORIES"></a>STORIES.</h1>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>JOKES</h2>
+
+<h3>FOR ALL OCCASIONS</h3>
+
+<hr class="smler" />
+
+<h3 class="left">ABSENTMINDEDNESS</h3>
+
+<p>The man of the house finally took all the disabled umbrellas to the
+repairer's. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up to
+leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella
+belonging to a woman beside him, for he was in the habit of carrying
+one. The woman cried "Stop thief!" rescued her umbrella and covered the
+man with shame and confusion.</p>
+
+<p>That same day, he stopped at the repairer's, and received all eight of
+his umbrellas duly restored. As he entered a street car, with the
+unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold
+glaring at him the lady of his morning adventure. Her voice came to him
+charged with a withering scorn:</p>
+
+<p>"Huh! Had a good day, didn't you!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The absentminded inventor perfected a parachute device. He was taken up
+in a balloon to make a test of the apparatus. Arrived at a height of a
+thousand feet, he climbed over the edge of the basket, and dropped out.
+He had fallen two hundred yards when he remarked to himself, in a tone
+of deep regret:</p>
+
+<p>"Dear me! I've gone and forgotten my umbrella."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The professor, who was famous for the wool-gathering of his wits,
+returned home, and had his ring at the door<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> answered by a new maid. The
+girl looked at him inquiringly:</p>
+
+<p>"Um&mdash;ah&mdash;is Professor Johnson at home?" he asked, naming himself.</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir," the maid replied, "but he is expected any moment now."</p>
+
+<p>The professor turned away, the girl closed the door. Then the poor man
+sat down on the steps to wait for himself.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The clergyman, absorbed in thinking out a sermon, rounded a turn in the
+path and bumped into a cow. He swept off his hat with a flourish,
+exclaiming:</p>
+
+<p>"I beg your pardon, madam."</p>
+
+<p>Then he observed his error, and was greatly chagrined. Soon, however,
+again engaged with thoughts of the sermon, he collided with a lady at
+another bend of the path.</p>
+
+<p>"Get out of the way, you brute!" he said.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The most absent-minded of clergymen was a Methodist minister who served
+several churches each Sunday, riding from one to another on horseback.
+One Sunday morning he went to the stable while still meditating on his
+sermon and attempted to saddle the horse. After a long period of toil,
+he aroused to the fact that he had put the saddle on himself, and had
+spent a full half hour in vain efforts to climb on his own back.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ACQUAINTANCE</h3>
+
+<p>The Scotchman who ran a livery was asked by a tourist as to how many the
+carryall would hold.</p>
+
+<p>"Fower generally," was the answer. "Likely sax, if they're weel
+aquaint."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ACTORS</h3>
+
+<p>The tragedian had just signed a contract to tour South Africa. He told a
+friend of it at the club. The friend shook his head dismally.</p>
+
+<p>"The ostrich," he explained in a pitying tone, "lays an egg weighing
+anywhere from two to four pounds."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ADVERTISING</h3>
+
+<p>The editor of the local paper was unable to secure advertising from one
+of the business men of the town, who asserted stoutly that he himself
+never read ads., and didn't believe anyone else did.</p>
+
+<p>"Will you advertise if I can convince you that folks read the ads.?" the
+editor asked.</p>
+
+<p>"If you can show me!" was the sarcastic answer. "But you can't."</p>
+
+<p>In the next issue of the paper, the editor ran a line of small type in
+an obscure corner. It read:</p>
+
+<p>"What is Jenkins going to do about it?"</p>
+
+<p>The business man, Jenkins, hastened to seek out the editor next day. He
+admitted that he was being pestered out of his wits by the curious. He
+agreed to stand by the editor's explanation in the forthcoming issue,
+and this was:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p><p>"Jenkins is going to advertise, of course."</p>
+
+<p>Having once advertised, Jenkins advertises still.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">AFFECTION</h3>
+
+<p>There are as many aspects of grief as there are persons to mourn. A
+quality of pathetic and rather grisly humor is to be found in the
+incident of an English laborer, whose little son died. The vicar on
+calling to condole with the parents found the father pacing to and fro
+in the living-room with the tiny body in his arms. As the clergyman
+spoke phrases of sympathy, the father, with tears streaming down his
+cheeks, interrupted loudly:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, sir, you don't know how I loved that li'll faller. Yus, sir, if it
+worn't agin the law, I'd keep him, an' have him stuffed, that I would!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">AGE</h3>
+
+<p>The woman confessed to her crony:</p>
+
+<p>"I'm growing old, and I know it. Nowadays, the policeman never takes me
+by the arm when he escorts me through the traffic."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ALIBI</h3>
+
+<p>The mother called in vain for her young son. Then she searched the
+ground floor, the first story, the second, and the attic&mdash;all in vain.
+Finally, she climbed to the trap door in the roof, pushed it open, and
+cried:</p>
+
+<p>"John Henry, are you out there?"</p>
+
+<p>An answer came clearly:</p>
+
+<p>"No, mother. Have you looked in the cellar?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">AMNESTY</h3>
+
+<p>The nurse at the front regarded the wounded soldier with a puzzled
+frown.</p>
+
+<p>"Your face is perfectly familiar to me," she said, musingly. "But I
+can't quite place you somehow."</p>
+
+<p>"Let bygones be bygones, mum," the soldier said weakly. "Yes, mum, I was
+a policeman."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ANATOMY</h3>
+
+<p>The little boy, sent to the butcher shop, delivered himself of his
+message in these words:</p>
+
+<p>"Ma says to send her another ox-tail, please, an' ma says the last one
+was very nice, an' ma says she wants another off the same ox!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">APPEARANCE</h3>
+
+<p>Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and numerous
+scratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His mother was
+horrified at the spectacle presented by her darling. There were tears in
+her eyes as she addressed him rebukingly:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Willie, Willie! How often have I told you not to play with that
+naughty Peck boy!"</p>
+
+<p>Little Willie regarded his mother with an expression of deepest disgust.</p>
+
+<p>"Say, ma," he objected, "do I look as if I had been playing with
+anybody?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The cross-eyed man at the ball bowed with courtly grace, and said:</p>
+
+<p>"May I have the pleasure of this dance?"</p>
+
+<p>Two wallflowers answered as with one voice:</p>
+
+<p>"With pleasure."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">APPETITE</h3>
+
+<p>The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment museum for
+employment as a freak, and the following dialogue occurred:</p>
+
+<p>"Who are you?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am Enoch, the egg king."</p>
+
+<p>"What is your specialty?"</p>
+
+<p>"I eat three dozen hen's eggs, two dozen duck eggs, and one dozen goose
+eggs, at a single setting."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you know our program?"</p>
+
+<p>"What is it?"</p>
+
+<p>"We give four shows every day."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes, I understand that."</p>
+
+<p>"And do you think you can do it?"</p>
+
+<p>"I know I can."</p>
+
+<p>"On Saturdays we give six shows."</p>
+
+<p>"All right."</p>
+
+<p>"On holidays we usually give a performance every hour."</p>
+
+<p>And now, at last, the young man showed signs of doubt.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p><p>"In that case, I must have one thing understood before I'd be willing to
+sign a contract."</p>
+
+<p>"What?"</p>
+
+<p>"No matter what the rush of business is in the show, you've got to give
+me time to go to the hotel to eat my regular meals."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Daniel Webster was the guest at dinner of a solicitous hostess who
+insisted rather annoyingly that he was eating nothing at all, that he
+had no appetite, that he was not making out a meal. Finally, Webster
+wearied of her hospitable chatter, and addressed her in his most
+ponderous senatorial manner:</p>
+
+<p>"Madam, permit me to assure you that I sometimes eat more than at other
+times, but never less."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>It was shortly after Thanksgiving Day that someone asked the little boy
+to define the word appetite. His reply was prompt and enthusiastic:</p>
+
+<p>"When you're eating you're 'appy; and when you get through you're
+tight&mdash;that's appetite!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">APPRECIATION</h3>
+
+<p>The distinguished actor had a large photograph of Wordsworth prominently
+displayed in his dressing-room. A friend regarded the picture with some
+surprise, and remarked:</p>
+
+<p>"I see you are an admirer of Wordsworth."</p>
+
+<p>"Who's Wordsworth?" demanded the actor.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p><p>"Why, that's his picture," was the answer, as the friend pointed.
+"That's Wordsworth, the poet."</p>
+
+<p>The actor regarded the photograph with a new interest.</p>
+
+<p>"Is that old file a poet?" he exclaimed in astonishment. "I got him for
+a study in wrinkles."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ARGUMENT</h3>
+
+<p>"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell
+over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by
+the leg."</p>
+
+<p>"Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?"</p>
+
+<p>"Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' course, ma'am. I never argues with sharks."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ART</h3>
+
+<p>An American tourist and his wife, after their return from abroad, were
+telling of the wonders seen by them at the Louvre in Paris. The husband
+mentioned with enthusiasm a picture which represented Adam and Eve and
+the serpent in the Garden of Eden, in connection with the eating of the
+forbidden fruit. The wife also waxed enthusiastic, and interjected a
+remark:</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, we found the picture most interesting, most interesting indeed,
+because, you see, we know the anecdote."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The Yankee tourist described glowingly the statue of a beautiful woman
+which he had seen in an art museum abroad.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p><p>"And the way she stood, so up and coming, was grand. But," he added,
+with a tone of disgust, "those foreigners don't know how to spell. The
+name of the statue was Posish'&mdash;and it was some posish, believe me! and
+the dumb fools spelt it&mdash;'Psyche!'"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Tell me, does your husband snore?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes, indeed&mdash;so delightfully."</p>
+
+<p>"What?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, really&mdash;he's so musical you know, his voice is baritone, he only
+snores operatic bits, mostly <i>Aida</i>."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The packer from Chicago admired a picture by Rosa Bonheur.</p>
+
+<p>"How much is that?" he demanded. The dealer quoted the price as $5,000.</p>
+
+<p>"Holy pig's feet!" the magnate spluttered. "For that money, I can buy
+live hogs and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>His wife nudged him in the ribs, and whispered:</p>
+
+<p>"Don't talk shop."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ATHLETICS</h3>
+
+<p>The sister spoke admiringly to the collegian who was calling on her
+after field day, at which she had been present.</p>
+
+<p>"And how they did applaud when you broke that record!"</p>
+
+<p>Her little brother, who overheard, sniffed indignantly.</p>
+
+<p>"Pa didn't applaud me for the one I broke," he complained. "He licked
+me."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">AUTHORS</h3>
+
+<p>A woman lion-hunter entertained a dinner party of distinguished authors.
+These discoursed largely during the meal, and bored one another and more
+especially their host, who was not literary. To wake himself up, he
+excused himself from the table with a vague murmur about opening a
+window, and went out into the hall. He found the footman sound asleep in
+a chair. He shook the fellow, and exclaimed angrily:</p>
+
+<p>"Wake up! You've been listening at the keyhole."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BABIES</h3>
+
+<p>The visiting Englishman, with an eyeglass screwed to his eye, stared in
+fascinated horror at the ugliest infant he had ever seen, which was in
+its mother's arms opposite him in the street car. At last, his fixed
+gaze attracted the mother's attention, then excited her indignation.</p>
+
+<p>"Rubber!" she piped wrathfully.</p>
+
+<p>"Thank God!" exclaimed the Englishman. "I fancied it might be real."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The teacher had explained to the class that the Indian women are called
+squaws. Then she asked what name was given to the children?</p>
+
+<p>"Porpoises," came one eager answer.</p>
+
+<p>But a little girl whose father bred pigeons, called excitedly:</p>
+
+<p>"Please, teacher, they're squabs!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BAIT</h3>
+
+<p>A gentleman strolling alongside a canal observed an old negro and a
+colored boy fishing. A moment later, a splash was heard. The boy had
+fallen into the water. The old darky, however, jumped in after the lad,
+and succeeded in getting him safely to the bank. There he stood the
+victim on his head to let the water drain out, and it was at this moment
+that the gentleman arrived on the scene with profuse expressions of
+admiration for the prompt rescue.</p>
+
+<p>"It was noble of you," the gentleman declared rather rhetorically, "to
+plunge into the water in that way at the risk of your life to save the
+boy. I congratulate you on your brave display of heroic magnanimity."</p>
+
+<p>The old colored man answered with an amiable grin:</p>
+
+<p>"All right, boss. Ah doan know nuffin' 'bout magn'imity. But Ah jess had
+to git dat boy out de water. He had de bait in his pocket."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BALDNESS</h3>
+
+<p>A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out.</p>
+
+<p>"Won't you give me something to keep it in?" he begged.</p>
+
+<p>"Take this," the doctor said kindly, and he handed the patient a pill
+box.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BAPTISM</h3>
+
+<p>On the way to the baptism, the baby somehow loosened the stopper of his
+bottle, with the result that the milk made a frightful mess over the
+christening robe. The mother was greatly shamed, but she was compelled
+to hand over the child in its mussed garments to the clergyman at the
+font.</p>
+
+<p>"What name?" the clergyman whispered.</p>
+
+<p>The agitated mother failed to understand, and thought that he complained
+of the baby's condition. So she offered explanation in the words:</p>
+
+<p>"Nozzle come off&mdash;nozzle come off!"</p>
+
+<p>The clergyman, puzzled, repeated his whisper:</p>
+
+<p>"What name?"</p>
+
+<p>"Nozzle come off&mdash;nozzle come off!" The woman insisted, almost in tears.</p>
+
+<p>The clergyman gave it up, and continued the rite:</p>
+
+<p>"Nozzlecomeoff Smithers, I baptize thee in the name of the Father and of
+the Son and of the Holy Ghost."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The aged negro clergyman announced solemnly from the pulpit:</p>
+
+<p>"Next Sabbath, dar will be a baptism in dis chu'ch, at half-pas' ten in
+de mawnin'. Dis baptism will be of two adults an' six adulteresses."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BAPTISTS</h3>
+
+<p>The old colored man left the Methodist Church and joined the Baptist.
+Soon afterward, he encountered his former pastor, who inquired the
+reason for his change of sect. The old man explained fully.</p>
+
+<p>"Fust off, I was 'Piscopal, but I hain't learned, an' they done say the
+service so fast, I nebber could keep up, an' when I come out behin', dey
+all look, an' I'se 'shamed. So I jined the Methodis'. Very fine church,
+yes, suh. But dey done has 'Quiry meetin's. An', suh, us cullud folkses
+can't bear too much 'quirin' into. An' a man says to me, 'Why don't you
+jine de Baptis'? De Baptis', it's jest <i>dip</i> an' be done wid it! 'An' so
+I jined."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BASEBALL</h3>
+
+<p>The teacher directed the class to write a brief account of a baseball
+game. All the pupils were busy during the allotted time, except one
+little boy, who sat motionless, and wrote never a word. The teacher gave
+him an additional five minutes, calling them off one by one. The fifth
+minute had almost elapsed when the youngster awoke to life, and scrawled
+a sentence. It ran thus:</p>
+
+<p>"Rain&mdash;no game."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BATTLE</h3>
+
+<p><i>Teacher:</i> "In which of his battles was King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden
+slain?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Pupil:</i> "I'm pretty sure it was the last one."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BEARS</h3>
+
+<p>The old trapper was chased by a grizzly. When he had thrown away
+everything he carried, and found, nevertheless, that the bear was
+gaining rapidly, he determined to make a stand. As he came into a small
+clearing, he faced about with his back to a stump, and got out and
+opened his clasp-knife. The bear halted a rod away, and sat on its
+haunches, surveying its victim gloatingly. The trapper, though not
+usually given to praying, now improved the interval to offer a petition.</p>
+
+<p>"O God," he said aloud, with his eyes on the bear, "if you're on my
+side, let my knife git 'im quick in 'is vitals, an' if you're on 'is
+side, let 'im finish me fust off. But, O God, if you're nootral, you
+jist sit thar on that stump, an' you'll see the darndest bear fight you
+ever hearn tell on!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The guide introduced a tourist in the Rocky Mountains to an old hunter
+who was reputed to have slain some hundreds of bears.</p>
+
+<p>"This feller," the guide explained to the hunter, "would like to hear
+about some of the narrer escapes you've had from bears."</p>
+
+<p>The old mountaineer regarded the tourist with a disapproving stare.</p>
+
+<p>"Young man," he said, "if there's been any narrer escapes, the bears had
+'em."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BEER</h3>
+
+<p>The father of a school boy in New York City wrote to the boy's teacher a
+letter of complaint. Possibly he welcomed the advent of
+prohibition&mdash;possibly not! Anyhow, the letter was as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Sir: Will you please for the future give my boy some eesier somes to do
+at nites. This is what he brought home to me three nites ago. If fore
+gallins of bere will fill thirty to pint bottles, how many pint and half
+bottles will nine gallins fill? Well, we tried and could make nothing of
+it all, and my boy cried and said he wouldn't go back to school without
+doing it. So, I had to go and buy a nine gallin' keg of bere, which I
+could ill afford to do, and then we went and borrowed a lot of wine and
+brandy bottles, beside a few we had by us. Well we emptied the keg into
+the bottles, and there was nineteen, and my boy put that down for an
+answer. I don't know whether it is rite or not, as we spilt some in
+doing it.</p>
+
+<p>P.S.&mdash;Please let the next one be water as I am not able to buy any more
+bere."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The new soda clerk was a mystery, until he himself revealed his shameful
+past quite unconsciously by the question he put to the girl who had just
+asked for an egg-shake.</p>
+
+<p>"Light or dark?" he asked mechanically.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BEGGARS</h3>
+
+<p>The cultured maid servant announced to her mistress, wife of the
+profiteer:</p>
+
+<p>"If you please, ma'am, there's a mendicant at the door."</p>
+
+<p>The mistress sniffed contemptuously:</p>
+
+<p>"Tell 'im there's nothin' to mend."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BEGINNERS</h3>
+
+<p>A woman visitor to the city entered a taxicab. No sooner was the door
+closed than the car leaped forward violently, and afterward went racing
+wildly along the street, narrowly missing collision with innumerable
+things. The passenger, naturally enough, was terrified. She thrust her
+head through the open window of the door, and shouted at the chauffeur:</p>
+
+<p>"Please, be careful, sir! I'm nervous. This is the first time I ever
+rode in a taxi."</p>
+
+<p>The driver yelled in reply, without turning his head:</p>
+
+<p>"That's all right, ma'am. It's the first time I ever drove one!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BETROTHAL</h3>
+
+<p>The cook, Nora, had announced her engagement to a frequenter at the
+kitchen, named Mike. But a year passed and nothing was heard of the
+nuptials. So, one day, the mistress inquired:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p><p>"When are you to be married, Nora?"</p>
+
+<p>"Indade, an' it's niver at all, I'll be thinkin', mum," the cook
+answered sadly.</p>
+
+<p>"Really? Why, what is the trouble?"</p>
+
+<p>The reply was explicit:</p>
+
+<p>"'Tis this, mum. I won't marry Mike when he's drunk, an' he won't marry
+me when he's sober."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The delinquent laggard swain had been telling of his ability as a
+presiding officer. The girl questioned him:</p>
+
+<p>"What is the parliamentary phrase when you wish to call for a vote?"</p>
+
+<p>The answer was given with proud certainty:</p>
+
+<p>"Are you ready for the question?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, dearest," the girl confessed shyly. "Go ahead."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BIGAMY</h3>
+
+<p>What is the penalty for bigamy?</p>
+
+<p>Two mothers-in-law.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The man was weak and naturally unlucky, and so he got married three
+times inside of a year. He was convicted and sentenced for four years.
+He seemed greatly relieved. As the expiration of his term grew near, he
+wrote from the penitentiary to his lawyer, with the plaintive query:</p>
+
+<p>"Will it be safe for me to come out?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BIRTH</h3>
+
+<p>The little girl in the zo&ouml;logical park tossed bits of a bun to the
+stork, which gobbled them greedily, and bobbed its head toward her for
+more.</p>
+
+<p>"What kind of a bird is it, mamma?" the child asked.</p>
+
+<p>The mother read the placard, and answered that it was a stork.</p>
+
+<p>"O-o-o-h!" the little girl cried, as her eyes rounded. "Of course, it
+recognized me!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BLESSING</h3>
+
+<p>The philosopher, on being interrupted in his thoughts by the violent
+cackling of a hen that had just laid an egg, was led to express his
+appreciation of a kind Providence by which a fish while laying a million
+eggs to a hen's one, does so in a perfectly quiet and ladylike manner.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BLIND</h3>
+
+<p>A shopkeeper with no conscience put by his door a box with a slit in the
+cover and a label reading, "For the Blind." A month later, the box
+disappeared. When some one inquired concerning it, the shopkeeper
+chuckled, and pointed to the window.</p>
+
+<p>"I collected enough," he explained. "There's the new blind."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BLINDNESS</h3>
+
+<p>The sympathetic and inquisitive old lady at the seashore was delighted
+and thrilled by an old sailor's narrative of how he was washed overboard
+during a gale and was only rescued after having sunk for the third time.</p>
+
+<p>"And, of course," she commented brightly, "after you sank the third
+time, your whole past life passed before your eyes."</p>
+
+<p>"I presoom as how it did, mum," the sailor agreed. "But bein' as I had
+my eyes shut, I missed it."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BLOCKHEAD</h3>
+
+<p>The recruit complained to the sergeant that he'd got a splinter in his
+finger.</p>
+
+<p>"Ye should have more sinse," was the harsh comment, "than to scratch
+your head."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BONE OF CONTENTION</h3>
+
+<p>The crowd in the car was packed suffocatingly close. The timid passenger
+thought of pickpockets, and thrust his hand into his pocket
+protectingly. He was startled to encounter the fist of a fat
+fellow-passenger.</p>
+
+<p>"I caught you that time!" the fat man hissed.</p>
+
+<p>"Thief yourself!" snorted the timid passenger. "Leggo!"</p>
+
+<p>"Scoundrel!" shouted the fat man.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p><p>"Help! Stop thief!" the little fellow spluttered, trying to wrench his
+hand from the other's clasp. As the car halted, the tall man next the
+two disputants spoke sharply:</p>
+
+<p>"I want to get off here, if you dubs will be good enough to take your
+hands out of my pocket."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>During the Civil War, an old negro was deeply interested in the
+conflict, but showed no sign of wishing to take part in it. A white man
+questioned him one day:</p>
+
+<p>"The men of the North and South are killing one another on your account.
+Why don't you pitch in and fight yourself?"</p>
+
+<p>"Has you-all ever seen two dogs fightin' over a bone?" the negro
+demanded.</p>
+
+<p>"Many times, of course," was the answer.</p>
+
+<p>The old negro chuckled as he said:</p>
+
+<p>"Did you ever see de bone fight?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well!&mdash;no!"</p>
+
+<p>"Dat's all! I'se de bone."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BREAKFAST</h3>
+
+<p>The Southern Colonel at Saratoga Springs, in the days before
+prohibition, directed the colored waiter at his table in the hotel:</p>
+
+<p>"You-all kin bring me a Kentucky breakfast."</p>
+
+<p>"An' what is that, sir?" the waiter inquired doubtfully.</p>
+
+<p>The Colonel explained:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p><p>"Bring me a big steak, a bulldog and a quart of Bourbon whiskey."</p>
+
+<p>"But why do you order a bulldog?" asked the puzzled waiter.</p>
+
+<p>"To eat the steak, suh!" snapped the Colonel.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BREVITY</h3>
+
+<p>The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars
+was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened for
+five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was
+going to contribute fifty dollars, after ten minutes more of the sermon,
+he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five
+dollars, after half an hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five
+dollars. At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, he
+stole two dollars.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BRIBERY</h3>
+
+<p>A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy's organization
+connected with a prominent church. The team was recently challenged by a
+rival club. The pastor gave a special contribution of five dollars to
+the captain, with the direction that the money should be used to buy
+bats, balls, gloves, or anything else that might help to win the game.
+On the day of the game, the pastor was somewhat surprised to observe
+nothing new in the club's paraphernalia. He called the captain to him.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p><p>"I don't see any new bats, or balls, or gloves," he said.</p>
+
+<p>"We haven't anything like that," the captain admitted.</p>
+
+<p>"But I gave you five dollars to buy them," the pastor exclaimed.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you see," came the explanation, "you told us to spend it for
+bats, or balls, or gloves, or anything that we thought might help to win
+the game, so we gave it to the umpire."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BRUTALITY</h3>
+
+<p>Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window, and at last called
+the conductor as referee.</p>
+
+<p>"If this window is open," one declared, "I shall catch cold, and will
+probably die."</p>
+
+<p>"If the window is shut," the other announced, "I shall certainly
+suffocate." The two glared at each other.</p>
+
+<p>The conductor was at a loss, but he welcomed the words of a man with a
+red nose who sat near. These were:</p>
+
+<p>"First, open the window, conductor. That will kill one. Next, shut it.
+That will kill the other. Then we can have peace."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BURGLARY</h3>
+
+<p>A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents
+established their home in a suburb. One<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> morning they received in the
+mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line:</p>
+
+<p>"Guess who sent them."</p>
+
+<p>The pair had much amusement in trying to identify the donor, but failed
+in the effort. They duly attended the theatre, and had a delightful
+time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the
+identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every
+article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece
+of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the
+tickets:</p>
+
+<p>"Now you know!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CANDOR</h3>
+
+<p>Jeanette was wearing a new frock when her dearest friend called.</p>
+
+<p>"I look a perfect fright," she remarked, eager for praise.</p>
+
+<p>The dearest friend was thinking of her own affairs, and answered
+absent-mindedly:</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, you certainly do."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, you horrid thing!" Jeanette gasped. "I'll never&mdash;never speak to you
+again!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CALMNESS</h3>
+
+<p>In Bret Harte's <i>Mary McGillup</i>, there is a notable description of
+calmness in most trying circumstances.</p>
+
+<p>"'I have the honor of addressing the celebrated Rebel spy, Miss
+McGillup?'" asked the vandal officer.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p><p>"In a moment I was perfectly calm. With the exception of slightly
+expectorating twice in the face of the minion I did not betray my
+agitation."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CARDS</h3>
+
+<p>A Tennessee farmer went to town and bought a gallon jug of whiskey. He
+left it in the grocery store, and tagged it with a five of hearts from
+the deck in his pocket, on which he wrote his name. When he returned two
+hours later, the jug was gone. He demanded an explanation from the
+grocer.</p>
+
+<p>"Simple enough," was the reply. "Jim Slocum come along with a six of
+hearts, an' jist nacherly took thet thar jug o' yourn."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CARELESSNESS</h3>
+
+<p>The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, found
+lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons.</p>
+
+<p>"My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of
+silver. "Some one of the company had a hole in his pocket."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CATERPILLARS</h3>
+
+<p>The small boy sat at the foot of a telegraph pole, with a tin can in his
+hands. The curious old gentleman gazed first at the lad and then at the
+can, much perplexed.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p><p>"Caterpillars!" he ejaculated. "What are you doing with them?"</p>
+
+<p>"They climb trees and eat the leaves," the boy explained.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes?"</p>
+
+<p>"And so," the boy continued proudly, "I'm foolin' this bunch by lettin'
+'em climb the telegraph pole."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CATS</h3>
+
+<p>Clarence, aged eight, was a member of the Band of Mercy, of his Sunday
+School, which was a miniature society for the prevention of cruelty to
+animals. The badge was a small star, and Clarence wore this with as much
+pride as ever a policeman had in his shield. He displayed eagerness in
+the work, and grew somewhat unpopular with the other boys and girls by
+reason of his many rebukes for their harsh treatment of animals. But one
+morning his mother, on looking out of the window, observed to her horror
+that the erstwhile virtuous Clarence had the family cat by the tail, and
+was swinging it to and fro with every evidence of glee. In fact, it had
+been the wailing of the outraged beast that had caused the mother to
+look out.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Clarence!" she cried, aghast. "What are you doing to that poor
+cat? And you a member of the Band of Mercy!"</p>
+
+<p>Little Clarence released the cat, but he showed no shame as he
+explained:</p>
+
+<p>"I was&mdash;but I lost my star."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The teacher put a question to the class:</p>
+
+<p>"What does a cat have that no other animal has?"</p>
+
+<p>A number cried in unison:</p>
+
+<p>"Fur!"</p>
+
+<p>But an objector raised the point that bears and skunks have fur. One
+pupil raised an eager hand:</p>
+
+<p>"I know, teacher&mdash;whiskers!"</p>
+
+<p>But another objector laughed scornfully.</p>
+
+<p>"Haw-haw! My papa has whiskers!"</p>
+
+<p>The suggester of whiskers defended her idea by declaring: "My papa ain't
+got whiskers."</p>
+
+<p>"'Cause he can't!" the objector sneered. "Haw-haw! Your pa ain't no
+good. My pa says&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>The teacher rapped for order, and repeated her question. A little girl
+raised her hand, and at the teacher's nod spoke timidly.</p>
+
+<p>"Kittens!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The little girl returned from church deeply musing on the sermon, in
+which the preacher had declared that animals, lacking souls, could not
+go to heaven. As the result of her meditation, she presented a problem
+to the family at the dinner table, when she asked earnestly:</p>
+
+<p>"If cats don't go to heaven, where do the angels get the strings for
+their harps?"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CHARITY</h3>
+
+<p>"Oh, mamma," questioned the child, "who's that?" He pointed to a nun who
+was passing.</p>
+
+<p>"A Sister of Charity," was the answer.</p>
+
+<p>"Which one," the boy persisted, "Faith or Hope?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CHICKEN-STEALING</h3>
+
+<p>The Southern planter heard a commotion in his poultry house late at
+night. With shot gun in hand, he made his way to the door, flung it open
+and curtly ordered:</p>
+
+<p>"Come out of there, you ornery thief!"</p>
+
+<p>There was silence for a few seconds, except for the startled clucking of
+the fowls. Then a heavy bass voice boomed out of the darkness:</p>
+
+<p>"Please, Colonel, dey ain't nobody here 'cept jes' us chickens!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CHRISTIANITY</h3>
+
+<p>A shipwrecked traveler was washed up on a small island. He was terrified
+at thought of cannibals, and explored with the utmost stealth.
+Discovering a thin wisp of smoke above the scrub, he crawled toward it
+fearfully, in apprehension that it might be from the campfire of
+savages. But as he came close, a voice rang out sharply:</p>
+
+<p>"Why in hell did you play that card?" The castaway, already on his
+knees, raised his hands in devout thanksgiving.</p>
+
+<p>"Thank God!" he exclaimed brokenly. "They are Christians!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CHRISTMAS</h3>
+
+<p>A political boss wished to show his appreciation of the services of a
+colored man who possessed considerable<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> influence. He suggested to the
+darky for a Christmas present the choice between a ton of coal and a jug
+of the best whiskey.</p>
+
+<p>The colored man spoke to the point:</p>
+
+<p>"Ah burns wood."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Santa Claus inserted an upright piano, a fur dolman, a Ford, and a few
+like knick-knacks in the Chicago girl's stocking. When he saw that it
+was not yet half filled, he withdrew to the roof, plumped down on the
+snow, and wept bitterly.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CHURCH</h3>
+
+<p>The young members of the family had been taught to be punctilious in
+contributing to the collection at church. One Sunday morning, when the
+boxes were being passed, James, aged six, ran his eye over those in the
+pew, and noticed that a guest of his sister had no coin in her hand.
+"Where is your money?" he whispered. She answered that she hadn't any.
+But James was equal to the emergency:</p>
+
+<p>"Here, take mine," he directed. "That'll pay for you. I'll get under the
+seat."</p>
+
+<p>Which he did.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The old negro attended a service in the Episcopal Church for the first
+time in his life. Someone asked him afterward how he had enjoyed the
+experience.</p>
+
+<p>"Not much, shohly not much," he declared, shaking his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> head. "Dat ain't
+no church for me. No' suh! Dey wastes too much time readin' the minutes
+ob the previous meetin'."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CLEANLINESS</h3>
+
+<p>The little boy was clad in an immaculate white suit for the lawn party,
+and his mother cautioned him strictly against soiling it. He was
+scrupulous in his obedience, but at last he approached her timidly, and
+said:</p>
+
+<p>"Please, mother, may I sit on my pants?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The mother catechised her young son just before the hour for the arrival
+of the music teacher.</p>
+
+<p>"Have you washed your hands very carefully?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, mother."</p>
+
+<p>"And have you washed your face thoroughly?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, mother."</p>
+
+<p>"And were you particular to wash behind your ears?"</p>
+
+<p>"On her side I did, mother."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">COMMUNITY</h3>
+
+<p>The young man at the summer resort, who had become engaged to the pretty
+girl, received information that led him to question her:</p>
+
+<p>"Is it true that since you came up here you've got engaged to Billy, Ed,
+George and Harry, as well as me?"</p>
+
+<p>The young lady assumed an air of disdain.</p>
+
+<p>"What is that to you?" she demanded.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p><p>"Just this," he replied gently. "If it's so, and you have no objection,
+we fellows will all chip in together to buy an engagement ring."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">COMPENSATION</h3>
+
+<p>Isaac and Moses dined in a restaurant that was new to them, and were
+pained seriously by the amount of the check. Moses began to expostulate
+in a loud voice, but Isaac hushed him with a whisper:</p>
+
+<p>"'Sh! I haf the spoons in my pocket."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">COMPLIMENTS</h3>
+
+<p>"Would you like a lock of my hair?" asked the gallant old bachelor of
+the spinster who had been a belle a few decades past.</p>
+
+<p>"Why don't you offer me the whole wig?" the maiden lady gibed, with a
+titter.</p>
+
+<p>The bachelor retorted with icy disdain:</p>
+
+<p>"You are very biting, madam, considering that your teeth are porcelain."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The young man, dancing with the girl to whom he had just been
+introduced, remarked with the best of intentions, but rather
+unfortunately:</p>
+
+<p>"That's the new waltz. My sister was raving about it. I think it's
+pretty bad. I expect she danced it with somebody rather nice."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>In former times, when royalties were more important, a lady at a court
+ball was intensely gratified when a prince selected her as a partner.
+She was almost overwhelmed with pride when he danced a second measure
+with her.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," she gushed, as she reposed blissfully in his arms, "your highness
+does me too great honor."</p>
+
+<p>The prince answered coldly:</p>
+
+<p>"But no, madam. Merely, my physician has directed me to perspire."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CONCEALMENT</h3>
+
+<p>The widow was deep in suds over the family wash, when she saw her pastor
+coming up the path to the door. She gave directions to her young son to
+answer the bell, and to tell the clergyman that his mother had just gone
+down the street on an errand. Since the single ground floor room of the
+cottage offered no better hiding place against observation from the
+door, she crouched behind a clothes-horse hung with drying garments.
+When the boy had opened the door to the minister, and had duly delivered
+the message concerning his mother's absence, the reverend gentleman cast
+a sharp look toward the screen of drying clothes, and addressed the boy
+thus:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, my lad, just tell your mother I called. And you might say to her
+that the next time she goes down the street, she should take her feet
+along."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CONCEIT</h3>
+
+<p>"I suppose I must admit that I do have my faults," the husband remarked
+in a tone that was far from humble.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," the wife snapped, "and in your opinion your faults are better
+than other folks' virtues."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CONSCIENCE</h3>
+
+<p>The child had been greatly impressed by her first experience in Sunday
+school. She pressed her hands to her breast, and said solemnly to her
+sister, two years older:</p>
+
+<p>"When you hear something wite here, it is conscience whispering to you."</p>
+
+<p>"It's no such thing," the sister jeered. "That's just wind on your
+tummie."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CONSTANCY</h3>
+
+<p>His companion bent over the dying man, to catch the last faintly
+whispered words. The utterance came with pitiful feebleness, yet with
+sufficient clearness:</p>
+
+<p>"I am dying&mdash;yes. Go to Fannie. Tell her&mdash;I died&mdash;with her name&mdash;on my
+lips, that I&mdash;loved her&mdash;her alone&mdash;always ... And Jennie&mdash;tell
+Jennie&mdash;the same thing."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CONVERSION</h3>
+
+<p>A zealous church member in a Kentucky village made an earnest effort to
+convert a particularly vicious old mountaineer named Jim, who was
+locally notorious for his godlessness. But the old man was hard-headed
+and stubborn, firmly rooted in his evil courses, so that he resisted the
+pious efforts in his behalf.</p>
+
+<p>"Jim," the exhorter questioned sadly at last, "ain't you teched by the
+story of the Lord what died to save yer soul?"</p>
+
+<p>"Humph!" Jim retorted contemptuously. "Air ye aimin' to tell me the Lord
+died to save me, when He ain't never seed me, ner knowed me?"</p>
+
+<p>"Jim," the missionary explained with fervor, "it was a darn sight easier
+for the Lord to die fer ye jest because He never seed ye than if He
+knowed ye as well as we-alls do!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">COOKERY</h3>
+
+<p>The housewife gave the tramp a large piece of pie on condition that he
+should saw some wood. The tramp retired to the woodshed, but presently
+he reappeared at the back door of the house with the piece of pie still
+intact save for one mouthful bitten from the end.</p>
+
+<p>"Madam," he said respectfully to the wondering woman, "if it's all the
+same to you, I'll eat the wood, and saw the pie."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">COURTESY</h3>
+
+<p>The witness was obviously a rustic and quite new to the ways of a
+court-room. So, the judge directed him:</p>
+
+<p>"Speak to the jury, sir&mdash;the men sitting behind you on the benches."</p>
+
+<p>The witness turned, bowed clumsily and said:</p>
+
+<p>"Good-morning, gentlemen."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">COWARDICE</h3>
+
+<p>The old farmer and his wife visited the menagerie. When they halted
+before the hippopotamus cage, he remarked admiringly:</p>
+
+<p>"Darn'd curi's fish, ain't it, ma?"</p>
+
+<p>"That ain't a fish," the wife announced. "That's a rep-tile."</p>
+
+<p>It was thus that the argument began. It progressed to a point of such
+violence that the old lady began belaboring the husband with her
+umbrella. The old man dodged and ran, with the wife in pursuit. The
+trainer had just opened the door of the lions' cage, and the farmer
+popped in. He crowded in behind the largest lion and peered over its
+shoulder fearfully at his wife, who, on the other side of the bars,
+shook her umbrella furiously.</p>
+
+<p>"Coward!" she shouted. "Coward!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CURIOSITY</h3>
+
+<p>The colored man, passing through the market, saw a turtle for the first
+time, and surveyed it with great interest. The creature's head was
+withdrawn, but as the investigator fumbled about the shell, it shot
+forward and nipped his finger. With a howl of pain he stuck his finger
+in his mouth, and sucked it.</p>
+
+<p>"What's the matter?" the fishmonger asked with a grin.</p>
+
+<p>"Nothin'&mdash;jest nothin' a tall," the colored man answered thickly. "Ah
+was only wonderin' whether Ah had been bit or stung."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DAMAGES</h3>
+
+<p>The child came to his mother in tears.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, mama," he confessed, "I broke a tile in the hearth."</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind, dear," the mother consoled. "But how ever did you come to
+do it?"</p>
+
+<p>"I was pounding it with father's watch?"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DANGER</h3>
+
+<p>One foot in the grave, and the other slipping.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DEAD CERTAINTY</h3>
+
+<p>On Tuesday, a colored maid asked her mistress for permission to be
+absent on the coming Friday. She <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span>explained that she wished to attend
+the funeral of her fianc&eacute;. The mistress gave the required permission
+sympathetically.</p>
+
+<p>"But you're not wearing mourning, Jenny," she remarked.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, no, ma'am," the girl replied. "You see, ma'am, he ain't dead yet.
+The hanging ain't till Friday."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DEAD MEN'S SHOES</h3>
+
+<p>When a certain officer of the governor's staff died, there were many
+applicants for the post, and some were indecently impatient. While the
+dead colonel was awaiting burial, one aspirant buttonholed the governor,
+asking:</p>
+
+<p>"Would you object to my taking the place of the colonel?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all," the governor replied tartly. "See the undertaker."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DEAFNESS</h3>
+
+<p>In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young man
+addressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him:</p>
+
+<p>"The show is very good, don't you think?"</p>
+
+<p>The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied:</p>
+
+<p>"Me, I always take the surface cars. Them elevated an' subway stairs
+ketches my breath."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p><p>"I said the show was a good one," exclaimed the young man, raising his
+voice.</p>
+
+<p>Again, the elderly person nodded agreeably.</p>
+
+<p>"They jump about a good deal," was his comment, "but they're on the
+ground, which the others ain't."</p>
+
+<p>Now, the young man shouted:</p>
+
+<p>"You're a little deaf, ain't you?"</p>
+
+<p>At last the other understood.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir!" he announced proudly. "I'm as deef as a post." He chuckled
+contentedly. "Some folks thinks as that's a terrible affliction, but I
+don't. I kin always hear what I'm sayin' myself, an' that's interestin'
+enough for me."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>An excellent old gentleman grew hard of hearing, and was beset with
+apprehension lest he become totally deaf. One day, as he rested on a
+park bench, another elderly citizen seated himself alongside. The
+apprehensive old gentleman saw that the new comer was talking rapidly,
+but his ears caught no faintest sound of the other's voice. He listened
+intently&mdash;in vain. He cupped a hand to his ear, but there was only
+silence. At last, in despair, he spoke his thought aloud:</p>
+
+<p>"It's come at last! I know you've been talking all this while, but I
+haven't heard a single word."</p>
+
+<p>The answer, given with a grin, was explicit and satisfying to the
+worried deaf man:</p>
+
+<p>"I hain't been talkin'&mdash;jest a-chewin'."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DEDICATION</h3>
+
+<p>The visitor to the poet's wife expressed her surprise that the man of
+genius had failed to dedicate any one of his volumes to the said wife.
+Whereupon, said wife became flustered, and declared tartly:</p>
+
+<p>"I never thought of that. As soon as you are gone, I'll look through all
+his books, and if that's so, I never will forgive him!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DEFINITION</h3>
+
+<p>The schoolboy, after profound thought, wrote this definition of the word
+"spine," at his teacher's request.</p>
+
+<p>"A spine is a long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set
+on the other."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DEGREES IN DEGRADATION</h3>
+
+<p>Phil May, the artist, when once down on his luck in Australia, took a
+job as waiter in a very low-class restaurant. An acquaintance came into
+the place to dine, and was aghast when he discovered the artist in his
+waiter.</p>
+
+<p>"My God!" he whispered. "To find you in such a place as this."</p>
+
+<p>Phil May smiled, as he retorted:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, but, you see, I don't eat here."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DELAY</h3>
+
+<p>A woman in the mountains of Tennessee was seated in the doorway of the
+cabin, busily eating some pig's feet. A neighbor hurried up to tell of
+how her husband had become engaged in a saloon brawl and had been shot
+to death. The widow continued munching on a pig's foot in silence while
+she listened to the harrowing news. As the narrator paused, she spoke
+thickly from her crowded mouth:</p>
+
+<p>"Jest wait till I finish this-here pig's trotter, an' ye'll hear some
+hollerin' as is hollerin'."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DEVIL</h3>
+
+<p>Some wasps built their nests during the week in a Scotch clergyman's
+best breeches. On the Sabbath as he warmed up to his preaching, the
+wasps, too, warmed up, with the result that presently the minister was
+leaping about like a jack in the box, and slapping his lower anatomy
+with great vigor, to the amazement of the congregation.</p>
+
+<p>"Be calm, brethren," he shouted. "The word of God is in my mouth, but
+the De'il's in my breeches!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DIET</h3>
+
+<p>The young lady, who was something of a food fadist, was on a visit to a
+coast fishing village. She questioned her host as to the general diet of
+the natives, and was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> told that they subsisted almost entirely on fish.
+The girl protested:</p>
+
+<p>"But fish is a brain food, and these folks are really the most
+unintelligent-looking that I ever saw."</p>
+
+<p>"Mebbe so," the host agreed. "And just think what they'd look like if
+they didn't eat fish!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DIGESTION</h3>
+
+<p>In an English school, the examiner asked one of the children to name the
+products of the Indian Empire. The child was well prepared, but very
+nervous.</p>
+
+<p>"Please, sir," the answer ran, "India produces curries and pepper and
+rice and citron and chutney and&mdash;and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>There was a long pause. Then, as the first child remained silent, a
+little girl raised her hand. The examiner nodded.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, you may name any other products of India."</p>
+
+<p>"Please, sir," the child announced proudly, "India-gestion."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DIPLOMACY</h3>
+
+<p>"Now, let me see," the impecunious man demanded as he buttonholed an
+acquaintance, "do I owe you anything?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not a penny, my dear sir," was the genial reply. "You are going about
+paying your little debts?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I'm going about to see if I've overlooked anybody? Lend me ten till
+Saturday."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Ted had a habit of dropping in at the house next door on baking day, for
+the woman of that house had a deft way in the making of cookies, and Ted
+had no hesitation in enjoying her hospitality, even to the extent of
+asking for cookies if they were not promptly forthcoming.</p>
+
+<p>When the boy's father learned of this, he gave Ted a lecture and a
+strict order never to ask for cookies at the neighbor's kitchen. So,
+when a few days later the father saw his son munching a cookie as he
+came away from the next house, he spoke sternly:</p>
+
+<p>"Have you been begging cookies again?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, no, I didn't beg any," Ted answered cheerfully. "I just said, this
+house smells as if it was full of cookies. But what's that to me?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes the use of a diplomatic method defeats its own purpose, as in
+the case of the old fellow who was enthusiastic in praise of the busy
+lawyer from whose office he had just come, after a purely social call.</p>
+
+<p>"That feller, for a busy man," he declared earnestly, "is one of the
+pleasantest chaps I ever did meet. Why, I dropped in on him jest to pass
+the time o' day this mornin', an' I hadn't been chattin' with 'im more'n
+five minutes before he'd told me three times to come and see 'im agin."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The lady of uncertain age simpered at the gentleman of about the same
+age who had offered her his seat in the car.</p>
+
+<p>"Why should you be so kind to me?" she gurgled.</p>
+
+<p>"My dear madam, because I myself have a mother and a wife and a
+daughter."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Diplomacy is shown inversely by the remark of the professor to the lady
+in this story.</p>
+
+<p>At a reception the woman chatted for some time with the distinguished
+man of learning, and displayed such intelligence that one of the
+listeners complimented her.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, really," she said with a smile, "I've just been concealing my
+ignorance."</p>
+
+<p>The professor spoke gallantly.</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all, not at all, my dear madam! Quite the contrary, I do assure
+you."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DIRT</h3>
+
+<p>We are more particular nowadays about cleanliness than were those of a
+past generation. Charles Lamb, during a whist game, remarked to his
+partner:</p>
+
+<p>"Martin, if dirt were trumps, what a hand you'd have!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The French aristocrats were not always conspicuously careful in their
+personal habits. A visitor to a Parisian <i>grande dame</i> remarked to her
+hostess:</p>
+
+<p>"But how dirty your hands are."</p>
+
+<p>The great lady regarded her hands doubtfully, as she replied:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, do you think so? Why, you ought to see my feet!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DISCIPLINE</h3>
+
+<p>Jimmy found much to criticise in his small sister. He felt forced to
+remonstrate with his mother.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p><p>"Don't you want Jenny to be a good wife like you when she grows up?" he
+demanded. His mother nodded assent.</p>
+
+<p>"Then you better get busy, ma. You make me give into her all the time
+'cause I'm bigger 'en she is. You're smaller 'en pa, but when he comes
+in, you bring him his slippers, and hand him the paper." Jimmie yanked
+his go-cart from baby Jennie, and disregarded her wail of anger as he
+continued:</p>
+
+<p>"Got to dis'pline her, or she'll make an awful wife!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DISCRETION</h3>
+
+<p>The kindly and inquisitive old gentleman was interested in the messenger
+boy who sat on the steps of a house, and toyed delicately with a
+sandwich taken from its wrapper. With the top piece of bread carefully
+removed, the boy picked out and ate a few small pieces of the chicken.
+The puzzled observer questioned the lad:</p>
+
+<p>"Now, sonny, why don't you eat your sandwich right down, instead of
+fussing with it like that?"</p>
+
+<p>The answer was explicit:</p>
+
+<p>"Dasn't! 'Tain't mine."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DIVORCE</h3>
+
+<p>The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who sought a
+divorce.</p>
+
+<p>"Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have
+to find with your husband."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p><p>And the wife was explicit:</p>
+
+<p>"He is a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!"</p>
+
+<p>"Tut, tut!" the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficulty
+in proving all your assertions."</p>
+
+<p>"Prove it!" was the retort. "Why, everybody knows it."</p>
+
+<p>"If you knew it," his honor demanded sarcastically, "why did you marry
+him?"</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't know it before I married him."</p>
+
+<p>The husband interrupted angrily:</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, she did, too," he shouted. "She did so!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DOCTORS</h3>
+
+<p>A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be
+examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patient
+that the ailment would respond readily to treatment.</p>
+
+<p>"You're so sure," the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you must have had a
+great deal of experience with this disease."</p>
+
+<p>The physician smiled wisely, and answered in a most confidential manner:</p>
+
+<p>"Why, my dear sir, I've had bronchitis myself for more than fifteen
+years."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A well-to-do colored man suffered a serious illness, and showed no signs
+of improvement under treatment by a physician of his own race. So,
+presently, he dismissed this doctor and summoned a white man. The new
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span>physician made a careful examination of the patient, and then asked:</p>
+
+<p>"Did that other doctor take your temperature?"</p>
+
+<p>The sick man shook his head doubtfully.</p>
+
+<p>"I dunno, suh," he declared, "I sartinly dunno. All I've missed so far
+is my watch."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an
+honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice, on the
+blackboard in his class-room:</p>
+
+<p>"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed
+honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."</p>
+
+<p>When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written
+below his notice this line:</p>
+
+<p>"God save the King."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The Chinaman expressed his gratitude to that mighty physician Sing Lee,
+as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Me velly sick man. Me get Doctor Yuan Sin. Takee him medicine. Velly
+more sick. Me get Doctor Hang Shi. Takee him medicine. Velly bad&mdash;think
+me go die. Me callee Doctor Kai Kon. Him busy&mdash;no can come. Me get
+well."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The instructor in the Medical College exhibited a diagram.</p>
+
+<p>"The subject here limps," he explained, "because one leg is shorter than
+the other." He addressed one of the students:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p><p>"Now, Mr. Snead, what would you do in such a case?"</p>
+
+<p>Young Snead pondered earnestly and replied with conviction:</p>
+
+<p>"I fancy, sir, that I should limp, too."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The physician turned from the telephone to his wife:</p>
+
+<p>"I must hurry to Mrs. Jones' boy&mdash;he's sick."</p>
+
+<p>"Is it serious?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes. I don't know what's the matter with him, but she has a book on
+what to do before the doctor comes. So I must hurry. Whatever it is, she
+mustn't do it."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DOCTRINE</h3>
+
+<p>In a former generation, when elaborate doctrines were deemed more
+important by Christian clergymen than they are to-day, they were prone
+to apply every utterance of the Bible to the demonstration of their own
+particular tenets. For example, one distinguished minister announced his
+text and introduced his sermon as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"'So, Mephibosheth dwelt in Jerusalem, for he did eat at the King's
+table, and he was lame on both his feet.'</p>
+
+<p>"My brethren, we are here taught the doctrine of human
+depravity.&mdash;Mephibosheth was lame. Also the doctrine of total
+depravity&mdash;he was lame on both his feet. Also the doctrine of
+justification&mdash;for he dwelt in Jerusalem. Fourth, the doctrine of
+adoption&mdash;'he did eat at the King's table.' Fifth, the doctrine of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span>
+perseverance of the saints&mdash;for we read that 'he did eat at the King's
+table continually.'"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DOCUMENTARY EVIDENCE</h3>
+
+<p>During the worst of the spy-scare period in London a man was brought
+into the police station, who declared indignantly that he was a
+well-known American citizen. But his captor denounced him as a German,
+and offered as proof the hotel register, which he had brought along. He
+pointed to the signature of the accused. It read:</p>
+
+<p>"V. Gates."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DOGS</h3>
+
+<p>The tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the wayside, munching
+at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, out walking with her pet
+Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to
+muzzle the food. The tramp smiled expansively on the lady.</p>
+
+<p>"Shall I throw the leetle dog a bit, mum?" he asked.</p>
+
+<p>The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly interest in her pet,
+and murmured an assent. The tramp caught the dog by the nape of the neck
+and tossed it over the hedge, remarking:</p>
+
+<p>"And if he comes back, mum, I might throw him a bit more."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Many a great man has been given credit as originator of this cynical
+sentiment:</p>
+
+<p>"The more I see of men, the more I respect dogs."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The fox terrier regarded with curious interest the knot tied in the tail
+of the dachshund.</p>
+
+<p>"What's the big idea?" he inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"That," the dachshund answered, "is a knot my wife tied to make me
+remember an errand."</p>
+
+<p>The fox terrier wagged his stump of tail thoughtfully.</p>
+
+<p>"That," he remarked at last, "must be the reason I'm so forgetful."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>During the siege of Paris in the Franco-German war, when everybody was
+starving, one aristocratic family had their pet dog served for dinner.
+The master of the house, when the meal was ended, surveyed the platter
+through tear-dimmed eyes, and spoke sadly:</p>
+
+<p>"How Fido would have enjoyed these bones!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The young clergyman during a parochial call noticed that the little
+daughter of the hostess was busy with her slate while eying him closely
+from time to time.</p>
+
+<p>"And what are you doing, Clara?" he asked, with his most engaging smile.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm drawing a picture of you," was the answer.</p>
+
+<p>The clerical visitor sat very still to facilitate the work of the
+artist. But, presently, Clara shook her head in discouragement.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't like it much," she confessed. "I guess I'll put a tail on it,
+and call it a dog."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The meditative Hollander delivered a monologue to his dog:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p><p>"You vas only a dog, but I vish I vas you. Ven you go your bed in, you
+shust turn round dree times and lie down; ven I go de bed in, I haf to
+lock up the blace, and vind up de clock, and put out de cat, and undress
+myself, and my vife vakes up and scolds, and den de baby vakes and cries
+and I haf to valk him de house around, and den maybe I get myself to bed
+in time to get up again.</p>
+
+<p>"Ven you get up you shust stretch yourself, dig your neck a little, and
+you vas up. I haf to light de fire, put on de kiddle, scrap some vit my
+vife, and get myself breakfast. You be lays round all day and haf blenty
+of fun. I haf to vork all day and have blenty of drubble. Ven you die,
+you vas dead; ven I die, I haf to go somewhere again."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Some persons are born to have honor thrust upon them, and such is
+obviously the case of the actor named in this story.</p>
+
+<p>The colored maid of an actress took out for exercise her mistress's dog,
+a splendid St. Bernard. A passer-by admired the animal, and inquired as
+to the breed. The maid said:</p>
+
+<p>"I doan jes' zactly know mahself, but I dun hear my missis say he am a
+full-blood Sam Bernard."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DOMESTIC QUARRELS</h3>
+
+<p>After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her colored washerwoman:</p>
+
+<p>"Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel now the same as you used to?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p><p>"No, indeed, ma'am," was the reply.</p>
+
+<p>"That is good. I'm sure you're very glad of it, aren't you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah sho'ly is."</p>
+
+<p>"What caused you to stop quarreling, Lucy?" the lady asked.</p>
+
+<p>The explanation was simple and sufficient:</p>
+
+<p>"He died."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The newly married pair quarreled seriously, so that the wife in a
+passion finally declared:</p>
+
+<p>"I'm going home to my mother!"</p>
+
+<p>The husband maintained his calm in the face of this calamity, and drew
+out his pocketbook.</p>
+
+<p>"Here," he said, counting out some bills, "is the money for your
+railroad fare."</p>
+
+<p>The wife took it, and counted it in her turn. Then she faced her husband
+scornfully:</p>
+
+<p>"But that isn't enough for a return ticket."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The good wife, after she and her husband had retired for the night,
+discoursed for a long time with much eloquence. When she was interrupted
+by a snore from her spouse, she thumped the sleeper into wakefulness,
+and then remarked:</p>
+
+<p>"John, do you know what I think of a man who will go to sleep while his
+own wife is a-talkin' to him?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, now, I believe as how I do, Martha," was the drowsily uttered
+response. "But don't let that stop you. Go right ahead, an' git it off
+your mind."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DOUBT</h3>
+
+<p>Small Jimmie discussed with his chief crony the minister's sermon which
+had dealt with the sheep and the goats.</p>
+
+<p>"Me," he concluded, "I don't know which I am. Mother calls me her lamb,
+and father calls me kid."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Ability to look on two sides of a question is usually a virtue, but it
+may degenerate into a vice. Thus, a visitor found his bachelor friend
+glumly studying an evening waistcoat. When inquiry was made, this
+explanation was forthcoming:</p>
+
+<p>"It's quite too soiled to wear, but really, it's not dirty enough to go
+to the laundry. I can't make up my mind just what I should do about it."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DRAMA</h3>
+
+<p>The new play was a failure. After the first act, many left the theatre;
+at the end of the second, most of the others started out. A cynical
+critic as he rose from his aisle seat raised a restraining hand.</p>
+
+<p>"Wait!" he commanded loudly. "Women and children first!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DREAMS</h3>
+
+<p>The group of dwellers at the seaside was discussing the subject of
+dreams and their significance. During a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> pause, one of the party turned
+to a little girl who had sat listening intently, and asked:</p>
+
+<p>"Do you believe that dreams come true?"</p>
+
+<p>"Of course, they do," the child replied firmly. "Last night I dreamed
+that I went paddling&mdash;and I had!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DRESS</h3>
+
+<p>"Oh, have you heard? Mrs. Blaunt died to-day while trying on a new
+dress."</p>
+
+<p>"How sad! What was it trimmed with?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The son of the house had been reading of an escaped lunatic.</p>
+
+<p>"How do they catch lunatics?" he asked.</p>
+
+<p>The father, who had just paid a number of bills, waxed sarcastic:</p>
+
+<p>"With enormous straw hats, with little bits of ones, with silks and
+laces and feathers and jewelry, and so on and so on."</p>
+
+<p>"I recall now," the mother spoke up, "I used to wear things of that sort
+until I married you."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DRINK</h3>
+
+<p>It was nine o'clock in the morning, but this particular passenger on the
+platform of the trolley car still wore a much crumpled evening suit.</p>
+
+<p>As the car swung swiftly around a curve this riotous liver was jolted
+off, and fell heavily on the cobble stones.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> The car stopped, and the
+conductor, running back, helped the unfortunate man to scramble to his
+feet. The bibulous passenger was severely shaken, but very dignified.</p>
+
+<p>"Collision?" he demanded.</p>
+
+<p>"No," the conductor answered.</p>
+
+<p>"Off the track?" was the second inquiry.</p>
+
+<p>"No," said the conductor again.</p>
+
+<p>"Well!" was the indignant rejoinder. "If I'd known that, I wouldn't have
+got off."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The very convivial gentleman left his club happy, but somewhat dazed. On
+his homeward journey, made tackingly, he ran against the vertical iron
+rods that formed a circle of protection for the trunk of a tree growing
+by the curb. He made a tour around the barrier four times, carefully
+holding to one rod until he had a firm grasp on the next. Then, at last,
+he halted and leaned despairingly against the rock to which he held, and
+called aloud for succor:</p>
+
+<p>"Hellup! hellup! Somebody let me out!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The highly inebriated individual halted before a solitary tree, and
+regarded it as intently as he could, with the result that he saw two
+trees. His attempt to pass between these resulted in a near-concussion
+of the brain. He reeled back, but presently sighted carefully, and tried
+again, with the like result. When this had happened a half-dozen times,
+the unhappy man lifted up his voice and wept.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p><p>"Lost&mdash;Lost!" he sobbed. "Hopelessly lost in an impenetrable forest!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place
+overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred
+dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests. A
+disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that
+he was a professional rat-killer.</p>
+
+<p>"Get to work," the store-keeper urged.</p>
+
+<p>"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.</p>
+
+<p>When this had been provided:</p>
+
+<p>"Now give me a quart of whiskey."</p>
+
+<p>Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly:</p>
+
+<p>"Now show me the cellar."</p>
+
+<p>An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs
+and leaped into the store. His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he
+shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in
+air and shouted:</p>
+
+<p>"Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Two Southern gentlemen, who were of very convivial habits, chanced to
+meet on the street at nine o'clock in the morning after an evening's
+revel together. The major addressed the colonel with decorous solemnity:</p>
+
+<p>"Colonel, how do you feel, suh?"</p>
+
+<p>The colonel left nothing doubtful in the nature of his reply:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p><p>"Major," he declared tartly, "I feel like thunder, suh, as any Southern
+gentleman should, suh, at this hour of the morning!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The old toper was asked if he had ever met a certain gentleman, also
+notorious for his bibulous habits.</p>
+
+<p>"Know him!" was the reply. "I should say I do! Why, I got him so drunk
+one night it took three hotel porters to put me to bed."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A farmer, who indulged in sprees, was observed in his Sunday clothes
+throwing five bushels of corn on the ear into the pen where he kept half
+a dozen hogs, and he was heard to mutter:</p>
+
+<p>"Thar, blast ye! if ye're prudent, that orter last ye."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A mouse chanced on a pool of whiskey that was the result of a raid by
+prohibition-enforcement agents. The mouse had had no previous
+acquaintance with liquor, but now, being thirsty, it took a sip of the
+strange fluid, and then retired into its hole to think. After some
+thought, it returned to the pool, and took a second sip of the whiskey.
+It then withdrew again to its hole, and thought. Presently, it issued
+and drew near the pool for the third time. Now, it took a big drink. Nor
+did it retreat to its hole. Instead, it climbed on a soap box, stood on
+its hind legs, bristled its whiskers, and squeaked:</p>
+
+<p>"Now, bring on your cat!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The owner of a hunting lodge in Scotland presented his gamekeeper with a
+fur cap, of the sort having ear flaps. When at the lodge the following
+year, the gentleman asked the gamekeeper how he liked the cap. The old
+man shook his head dolefully.</p>
+
+<p>"I've nae worn it since the accident."</p>
+
+<p>"What accident was that?" his employer demanded. "I've heard of none."</p>
+
+<p>"A mon offered me a dram, and I heard naething of it."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The old farmer was driving home from town, after having imbibed rather
+freely. In descending a hill, the horse stumbled and fell, and either
+could not, or would not, get to its feet again. At last, the farmer
+spoke savagely:</p>
+
+<p>"Dang yer hide, git up thar&mdash;or I'll drive smack over ye!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Smith addressed her neighbor, whose husband was notoriously brutal,
+and she spoke with a purr that was catty:</p>
+
+<p>"You know, my dear, my husband is so indulgent!"</p>
+
+<p>And the other woman retorted, quite as purringly:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, everybody knows that. What a pity he sometimes indulges too much!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>In the days before prohibition, a bibulous person issued from a saloon
+in a state of melancholy intoxication, and outside the door he
+encountered a teetotaler friend.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p><p>The friend exclaimed mournfully:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, John, I am so sorry to see you come out of such a place as that!"</p>
+
+<p>The bibulous one wept sympathetically.</p>
+
+<p>"Then," he declared huskily, "I'll go right back!" And he did.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>When the Kentucky colonel was in the North, some one asked him if the
+Kentuckians were in fact very bibulous.</p>
+
+<p>"No, suh," the colonel declared. "I don't reckon they're mo' than a
+dozen Bibles in the whole state."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The Irish gentleman encountered the lady who had been ill, and made
+gallant inquiries.</p>
+
+<p>"I almost died," she explained. "I had ptomaine-poisoning."</p>
+
+<p>"And is it so?" the Irishman gushed. And he added in a burst of
+confidence: "What with that, ma'am, and delirium tremens, a body these
+days don't know what he dare eat or drink."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DRUGGED</h3>
+
+<p>The police physician was called to examine an unconscious prisoner, who
+had been arrested and brought to the station-house for drunkenness.
+After a short examination, the physician addressed the policeman who had
+made the arrest.</p>
+
+<p>"This fellow is not suffering from the effects of alcohol. He has been
+drugged."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p><p>The policeman was greatly disturbed, and spoke falteringly:</p>
+
+<p>"I'm thinkin', ye're right, sor. I drugged him all the way to the
+station."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DUTY</h3>
+
+<p>The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed
+to the conductor:</p>
+
+<p>"Can't you go any faster than this?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">EASY LIVING</h3>
+
+<p>The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow, discoursed
+eloquently of conditions in his home state. He concluded in a burst of
+feeling:</p>
+
+<p>"In that smiling land, suh, no gentleman is compelled to soil his hands
+with vulgar work. The preparing of the soil for the crops is done by our
+niggers, suh, and the sowing of the crops, and the reaping of the
+crops&mdash;all done by the niggers.... And the selling is done by the
+sheriff."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ECONOMY</h3>
+
+<p>One Japanese bragged to another that he made a fan last twenty years by
+opening only a fourth section, and using this for five years, then the
+next section, and so on.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p><p>The other Japanese registered scorn.</p>
+
+<p>"Wasteful!" he ejaculated. "I was better taught. I make a fan last a
+lifetime. I open it wide, and hold it under my nose quite motionless.
+Then I wave my head."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Wife:&mdash;"Women are not extravagant. A woman can dress smartly on a sum
+that would keep a man looking shabby."</p>
+
+<p>Husband:&mdash;"That's right. What you dress on keeps me looking shabby."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">EFFICIENCY</h3>
+
+<p>In these days of difficulty in securing domestic servants, mistresses
+will accept almost any sort of help, but there are limits. A woman
+interrogated a husky girl in an employment office, who was a recent
+importation from Lapland. The dialogue was as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Can you do fancy cooking?"</p>
+
+<p>"Naw."</p>
+
+<p>"Can you do plain cooking?"</p>
+
+<p>"Naw."</p>
+
+<p>"Can you sew?"</p>
+
+<p>"Naw."</p>
+
+<p>"Can you do general housework?"</p>
+
+<p>"Naw."</p>
+
+<p>"Make the beds, wash the dishes?"</p>
+
+<p>"Naw."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," cried the woman in puzzled exasperation, "what can you do?"</p>
+
+<p>"I milk reindeer."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The undertaker regarded the deceased in the coffin with severe
+disapproval, for the wig persisted in slipping back and revealing a
+perfectly bald pate. He addressed the widow in that cheerfully
+melancholy tone which is characteristic of undertakers during their
+professional public performance.</p>
+
+<p>"Have you any glue?"</p>
+
+<p>The widow wiped her eyes perfunctorily, and said that she had.</p>
+
+<p>"Shall I heat it?" she asked. The undertaker nodded gloomily, and the
+relic departed on her errand. Presently, she returned with the glue-pot.</p>
+
+<p>But the undertaker shook his head, and regarded her with the gently sad
+smile to which undertakers are addicted, as he whispered solemnly:</p>
+
+<p>"I found a tack."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>An engineer, who was engaged on railroad construction in Central
+America, explained to one of the natives living alongside the right of
+way the advantages that would come from realization of the projected
+line. To illustrate his point, he put the question:</p>
+
+<p>"How long does it take you to carry your produce to market by muleback?"</p>
+
+<p>"Three days, <i>se&ntilde;or</i>," was the answer.</p>
+
+<p>"Then," said the engineer, "you can understand the benefit the road will
+be to you. You will be able to take your produce to market, and to
+return home on the same day."</p>
+
+<p>"Very good, <i>se&ntilde;or</i>," the native agreed courteously.</p>
+
+<p>"But, <i>se&ntilde;or</i>, what shall we do with the other two days?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">EGGS</h3>
+
+<p>The farmer decided to give special attention to the development of his
+poultry yard, and he undertook the work carefully and systematically.
+His hired man, who had been with him for a number of years, was
+instructed, among other things, to write on each egg the date laid and
+the breed of the hen. After a month, the hired man resigned.</p>
+
+<p>"I can't understand," the farmer declared, surprised and pained, "why
+you should want to leave."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm through," the hired man asserted. "I've done the nastiest jobs, an'
+never kicked. But I draw the line on bein' secretary to a bunch o'
+hens."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">EGOTISM</h3>
+
+<p>The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend:</p>
+
+<p>"It is only to me that such misfortunes happen."</p>
+
+<p>"What's the matter now?"</p>
+
+<p>The pessimist answered dolefully:</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you see that it is raining?"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ELEPHANT</h3>
+
+<p>A circus man was scouring the countryside in search of an elephant that
+had escaped from the menagerie and wandered off. He inquired of an
+Irishman working in a field to learn if the fellow had seen any strange
+animal thereabouts.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p><p>"Begorra, Oi hev thot!" was the vigorous answer. "There was an
+inju-rubber bull around here, pullin' carrots with its tail."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ELOPEMENT</h3>
+
+<p>Some months after the elopement, an old friend met the bridegroom, and
+asked eagerly for details.</p>
+
+<p>"What about her father? Did he catch you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Just that!" quoth the bridegroom grimly. "Incidentally, I may add that
+the old boy is living with us still."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ENOUGH</h3>
+
+<p>The darky's clothes were in the last stages of dilapidation, and he wore
+open work shoes, but his face was radiant, and he whistled merrily as he
+slouched along the street. A householder called from his porch:</p>
+
+<p>"Sam, I have a job for you, if you want to earn a quarter."</p>
+
+<p>The tattered colored man grinned happily as he shook his head.</p>
+
+<p>"No, suh, thank yoh all de same, boss&mdash;I done got a quarter."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">EPITAPH</h3>
+
+<p>In an Irish cemetery stands a handsome monument with an inscription
+which runs thus:</p>
+
+<p>"This monument is erected to the memory of James<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span> O'Flinn, who was
+accidentally shot by his brother as a mark of affection."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">EVIDENCE</h3>
+
+<p>The prisoner, a darky, explained how it came about that he had been
+arrested for chicken-stealing:</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't hab no trouble wiv de constable ner nobody. It would ab been
+all right if it hadn't been fer the women's love o' dress. My women
+folks, dey wasn't satisfied jes' to eat mos' all o' them chickens. Dey
+had to put de feathers in der hats, an' parade 'em as circumstantial
+evidence."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The smug satisfaction of the rustic in his clear perception and shrewd
+reasoning is illustrated by the dialogue between two farmers meeting on
+the road.</p>
+
+<p>"Did you hear that old man Jones's house burned down last night?"</p>
+
+<p>"I ain't a mite surprised. I was goin' past there in the evenin', an'
+when I saw the smoke a-comin' out all round under the eaves, I sez to
+myself, sez I, 'Where there's smoke there must be fire.' An' so it was!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Shall I leave the hall light burning, ma'am?" the servant asked.</p>
+
+<p>"No," her mistress replied. "I think my husband won't get home until
+daylight. He kissed me goodbye before he went, and gave me twenty
+dollars for a new hat."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">EXCLUSIVENESS</h3>
+
+<p>One of the New York churches is notorious for its exclusiveness. A
+colored man took a fancy to the church, and promptly told the minister
+that he wished to join. The clergyman sought to evade the issue by
+suggesting to the man that he reflect more carefully on the matter, and
+make it the subject of prayers for guidance. The following day, the
+darky encountered the minister.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah done prayed, sah," he declared, beaming, "an' de Lawd he done sent
+me an answer las' night."</p>
+
+<p>"And what was it?" queried the clergyman, somewhat at a loss. "What did
+the Lord say?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, sah, He done axed me what chu'ch Ah wanted to jine, an' Ah tole
+Him it was yourn. An' He says: 'Ho, ho, dat chu'ch!' says he. 'You can't
+git in dere. Ah know you can't&mdash;'cause Ah been tryin' to git in dat
+chu'ch fer ten years mahself an' Ah couldn't!'"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">EXPECTANCY</h3>
+
+<p>An Irishman on a scaffolding four stories high heard the noon whistle.
+But when he would have descended, he found that the ladder had been
+removed. One of his fellow workmen on the pavement below, to whom he
+called, explained that the foreman had carried off the ladder for
+another job.</p>
+
+<p>"But how'll I get down?" Pat demanded.</p>
+
+<p>Mike, on the pavement, suggested jumping as the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span> only means. Pat's lunch
+was below, he was hungry, and he accepted the suggestion seriously.</p>
+
+<p>"Will yez kitch me?" he demanded.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, an' I'll do that," Mike agreed.</p>
+
+<p>Pat clapped his arms in imitation of a rooster, and crowed, to bolster
+up his courage, and leaped. He regained consciousness after a short
+interval, and feebly sat up on the pavement. He regarded Mike
+reproachfully.</p>
+
+<p>"For why did yez not kitch me?" he asked, and the pain in bones sounded
+in his voice.</p>
+
+<p>"Begorry," Mike replied sympathetically, "I was waiting for yez to
+bounce!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">EXPENSE ACCOUNT</h3>
+
+<p>The woman wrote a reference for her discharged cook as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Maggie Flynn has been employed by me for a month. She is an excellent
+cook, but I could not afford to make use of her services longer."</p>
+
+<p>The husband, who was present, afterward expressed his surprise at the
+final clause.</p>
+
+<p>"But it's true," the wife answered. "The dishes she smashed cost double
+her wages."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">EXPERIENCE</h3>
+
+<p>The baby pulled brother's hair until he yelled from the pain of it. The
+mother soothed the weeping boy:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p><p>"Of course, she doesn't know how badly it hurts." Then she left the
+room.</p>
+
+<p>She hurried back presently on hearing frantic squalling from baby.</p>
+
+<p>"What in the world is the matter with her?" she questioned anxiously.</p>
+
+<p>"Nothin' 'tall," brother replied contentedly. "Only now she knows."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">EXPERTS</h3>
+
+<p>There was a chicken-stealing case before the court. The colored culprit
+pleaded guilty and was duly sentenced. But the circumstances of the case
+had provoked the curiosity of the judge, so that he questioned the darky
+as to how he had managed to take those chickens and carry them off from
+right under the window of the owner's house, and that with a savage dog
+loose in the yard. But the thief was not minded to explain. He said:</p>
+
+<p>"Hit wouldn't be of no use, jedge, to try to 'splain dis ting to
+you-all. Ef you was to try it you more'n like as not would git yer hide
+full o' shot an' git no chickens, nuther. Ef you want to engage in any
+rascality, jedge, you better stick to de bench, whar you am familiar."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">EXPLICITNESS</h3>
+
+<p>On her return home after an absence of a few hours, the mother was
+displeased to find that little Emma, who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> was ailing, had not taken her
+pill at the appointed time, although she had been carefully directed to
+do so.</p>
+
+<p>"You were very naughty, Emma," the mother chided. "I told you to be sure
+and take that pill."</p>
+
+<p>"But, mamma," the child pleaded in extenuation, "you didn't tell me
+where to take it to."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">EXTRAVAGANCE</h3>
+
+<p>A rich and listless lady patron examined the handbags in a leading
+jeweler's shop in New York City. The clerk exhibited one bag five inches
+square, made of platinum and with one side almost covered with a setting
+of diamonds. This was offered at a price of $9,000.</p>
+
+<p>But the lady surveyed the expensive bauble without enthusiasm. She
+turned it from side to side and over and over, regarding it with a
+critical eye and frowning disapprovingly. At last she voiced her
+comment:</p>
+
+<p>"Rather pretty, but I don't like this side without diamonds. Honestly,
+the thing looks skimpy&mdash;decidedly skimpy!"</p>
+
+<p>For $7,000 additional, the objectional skimpiness was corrected.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FACTS</h3>
+
+<p>The burly man spoke lucidly to his gangling adversary:</p>
+
+<p>"You're a nincompoop, a liar and hoss-thief."</p>
+
+<p>The other man protested, with a whine in his voice:</p>
+
+<p>"Sech talk ain't nice&mdash;and, anyhow, 'tain't fair twittin' on facts."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FASHION</h3>
+
+<p>After years of endeavor in poverty, the inventor made a success, and
+came running home with pockets bulging real money. He joyously strewed
+thousand-dollar bills in his wife's lap, crying:</p>
+
+<p>"Now, at last, my dear, you will be able to buy you some decent
+clothes."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll do nothing of the kind," was the sharp retort. "I'll get the same
+kind the other women are wearing."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>"The naked hills lie wanton to the breeze,</div>
+<div class="i1">"The fields are nude, the groves unfrocked,</div>
+<div>"Bare are the shivering limbs of shameless trees,</div>
+<div class="i1">"What wonder is it that the corn is shocked?"</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>But not the modern woman!</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<h3 class="left">FAVORS</h3>
+
+<p>At the village store, the young farmer complained bitterly.</p>
+
+<p>"Old Si Durfee wants me to be one of the pall-bearers once more at his
+wife's funeral. An' it's like this. Si had me fer pall-bearer when his
+first wife was buried. An' then agin fer his second. An' when Eliza
+died, she as was his third, he up an' axed me agin. An' now, I snum,
+it's the fourth time. An' ye know, a feller can't be the hull time
+a-takin' favors, an' not payin' 'em back."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FIGHTING</h3>
+
+<p>The boy hurried home to his father with an announcement:</p>
+
+<p>"Me and Joe Peck had a fight to-day."</p>
+
+<p>The father nodded gravely.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Peck has already called to see me about it."</p>
+
+<p>The little boy's face brightened.</p>
+
+<p>"Gee, pop! I hope you made out 's well 's I did!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FINANCE</h3>
+
+<p>A very black little girl made her way into the presence of the lady of
+the house, and with much embarrassment, but very clearly, explained who
+she was, and what her mission:</p>
+
+<p>"Please, mum, I'se Ophelia. I'se de washerwoman's little girl, an' mama,
+she sent me to say, would you please to len' her a dime. She got to pay
+some bills."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The successful financier snorted contemptuously.</p>
+
+<p>"Money! pooh! there are a million ways of making money."</p>
+
+<p>"But only one honest way," a listener declared.</p>
+
+<p>"What way is that?" the financier demanded.</p>
+
+<p>"Naturally, you wouldn't know," was the answer.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The eminent financier was discoursing.</p>
+
+<p>"The true secret of success," he said, "is to find out what the people
+want."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p><p>"And the next thing," someone suggested, "is to give it to them."</p>
+
+<p>The financier shook his head contemptuously.</p>
+
+<p>"No&mdash;to corner it."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The eminent banker explained just how he started in business:</p>
+
+<p>"I had nothing to do, and I rented an empty store, and put up a sign,
+<i>Bank</i>. As soon as I opened for business, a man dropped in, and made a
+deposit of two hundred dollars. The next day another man dropped in and
+deposited three hundred dollars. And so, sir, the third day, my
+confidence in the enterprise reached such a point that I put in fifty
+dollars of my own money."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FINANCIERS</h3>
+
+<p>"My pa, he's a financier," boasted one small boy to another.</p>
+
+<p>"'Tain't much to brag of," the other sneered. "My pa an' uncle Jack are
+in jail, too."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FISHING</h3>
+
+<p>The congressman from California was telling at dinner in the hotel of
+tuna fishing.</p>
+
+<p>"Just run out in a small motor boat," he explained, "and anything less
+than a hundred pounds is poor sport."</p>
+
+<p>The colored waiter was so excited that he interrupted:</p>
+
+<p>"You say you go after hundred-pound fish in a little motor boat, suh?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p><p>The congressman nodded.</p>
+
+<p>"But," the darky protested, "ain't you scairt fer fear you'll ketch
+one?"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FLATTERY</h3>
+
+<p>An eminent statesman was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the
+car struck and killed a dog that leaped in front of it. At the
+statesman's order, the chauffeur stopped the car, and the great man got
+out and hurried back to where a woman was standing by the remains. The
+dead dog's mistress was deeply grieved, and more deeply angered. As the
+statesman attempted to address her placatingly, she turned on him
+wrathfully, and told him just what she thought, which was considerable
+and by no means agreeable. When, at last, she paused for breath, the
+culprit tried again to soothe her, saying:</p>
+
+<p>"Madam, I shall be glad to replace your dog."</p>
+
+<p>The woman drew herself up haughtily, surveyed the statesman with supreme
+scorn, and hissed:</p>
+
+<p>"Sir, you flatter yourself!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FLEAS</h3>
+
+<p>The debutante was alarmed over the prospect of being taken in to dinner
+by the distinguished statesman.</p>
+
+<p>"Whatever can we talk about?" she demanded anxiously of her mother.</p>
+
+<p>Afterward, in the drawing-room, she came to her mother with a radiant
+smile.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p><p>"He's fine," she exclaimed. "We weren't half way through the soup before
+we were chatting cozily about the fleas in Italian hotels."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FLIRTATION</h3>
+
+<p>The gentleman at the party, who was old enough to know better, turned to
+another guest, who had just paused beside him:</p>
+
+<p>"Women are fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She was smiling
+at me flirtatiously a few minutes ago and now she looks cold as an
+iceberg."</p>
+
+<p>"I have only just arrived," the other man said. "She is my wife."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FLOOD</h3>
+
+<p>The breakfaster in the cheap restaurant tried to make conversation with
+the man beside him at the counter.</p>
+
+<p>"Awful rainy spell&mdash;like the flood."</p>
+
+<p>"The flood?" The tone was polite, but inquiring.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>The</i> flood&mdash;Noah, the Ark, Mount Ararat."</p>
+
+<p>The other bit off half a slice of bread, shook his head, and mumbled
+thickly:</p>
+
+<p>"Hain't read to-day's paper yit."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FLOWERS</h3>
+
+<p>Gilbert wrote a couplet concerning&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>"An attachment <i>&agrave; la</i> Plato</div>
+<div>For a bashful young potato."</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p><p>Such suggestion is all very well in a humorous ballad, but we do not
+look for anything of the sort in a serious romance of real life.
+Nevertheless, a Welsh newspaper of recent date carried the following
+paragraph:</p>
+
+<p>"At &mdash;&mdash; Church, on Monday last, a very interesting wedding was
+solemnized, the contracting parties being Mr. Richard &mdash;&mdash;, eldest son
+of Mr. and Mrs. &mdash;&mdash;, and a bouquet of pink carnations."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FOG</h3>
+
+<p>The old gentleman was lost in a London fog, so thick that he could
+hardly see his hand before his face. He became seriously alarmed when he
+found himself in a slimy alley. Then he heard footsteps approaching
+through the obscurity, and sighed with relief.</p>
+
+<p>"Where am I going to?" he cried anxiously.</p>
+
+<p>A voice replied weirdly from the darkness beyond:</p>
+
+<p>"Into the river&mdash;I've just come out!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FOLLIES</h3>
+
+<p>A wise old Quaker woman once said that men were guilty of three most
+astonishing follies. The first was the climbing of trees to shake down
+the fruit, when if they would but wait, the fruit would fall of itself.
+The second was the going to war to kill one another, when if they would
+only wait, they must surely die naturally. The third was that they
+should run after women, when, if they did not do so, the women would
+surely run after them.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FOOD</h3>
+
+<p>The Arctic explorer at a reception on his return gave an informal talk
+concerning his experiences. He explained that a point further north
+would have been reached, if the dogs had not given out at a critical
+time.</p>
+
+<p>A lady, who had followed the explorer's remarks carefully, ventured a
+comment as the speaker paused:</p>
+
+<p>"But I thought those Esquimaux dogs were actually tireless."</p>
+
+<p>The explorer hesitated, and cleared his throat before answering.</p>
+
+<p>"I spoke," he elucidated, "in a&mdash;er&mdash;culinary sense."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The young mother asked the man who supplied her with milk if he kept any
+calves, and smiled pleasedly when he said that he did.</p>
+
+<p>"Then," she continued brightly, "bring me a pint of calf's milk every
+day. I think cow's milk is too strong for baby."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FOREHANDEDNESS</h3>
+
+<p>The highly efficient housewife bragged that she always rose early, and
+had every bed in the house made before anybody else in the house was up.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FORESIGHT</h3>
+
+<p>The master directed that the picture should be hung on the east wall;
+the mistress preferred the west wall.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p><p>The servant drove the nail where his master directed, but when he was
+left alone in the room he drove a nail in the other wall.</p>
+
+<p>"That," he said to himself, "will save my lugging the steps up here
+again to-morrow, when he has come around to agreeing with her."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FORGETFULNESS</h3>
+
+<p>The foreman of a Southern mill, who was much troubled by the
+shiftlessness of his colored workers, called sharply to two of the men
+slouching past him.</p>
+
+<p>"Hi, you! where are you going?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, suh, boss," one of them answered, "we is goin' to de mill wid
+dis-heah plank."</p>
+
+<p>"Plank? What plank? Where's the plank?" the foreman demanded.</p>
+
+<p>The colored spokesman looked inquiringly and somewhat surprisedly at his
+own empty hands and those of his companion, whom he addressed
+good-naturedly:</p>
+
+<p>"Now, if dat don't beat all, George! If we hain't gone an' clean
+forgitted dat plank!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Two men met on the city street in the evening, and had a number of
+drinks together. The one who lived in the suburbs became confidential,
+and exhibited a string tied around a finger.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't dare to go home," he explained. "There's something my wife told
+me to do, without fail, and to make sure I wouldn't forget, she tied
+that string around<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> my finger. But for the life of me I can't remember
+what the thing was I am to do. And I don't dare to go home!"</p>
+
+<p>A few days later the two men met again, this time in the afternoon.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," the one asked, "did you finally remember what that string was to
+remind you of?"</p>
+
+<p>The other showed great gloom in his expression, as he replied:</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't go home until the next night, just because I was scared, and
+then my wife told me what the string was for all right&mdash;she certainly
+did!" There was a note of pain in his voice. "The string was to remind
+me to be sure to come home early."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The clergyman drew near to the baptismal font, and directed that the
+candidates for baptism should now be presented. A woman in the
+congregation gave a gasp of dismay and turned to her husband, whom she
+addressed in a strenuous whisper:</p>
+
+<p>"There! I just knew we'd forget something. John, you run right home as
+fast as you can, and fetch the baby."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FORM</h3>
+
+<p>The traveler wrote an indignant letter to the officials of the railroad
+company, giving full details as to why he had sat up in the smoking-room
+all night, instead of sleeping in his berth. He received in reply a
+letter from the company, which was so courteous and logical<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span> that he was
+greatly soothed. His mood changed for the worse, however, when he
+happened to glance at his own letter, which had been enclosed through
+error. On the margin was jotted in pencil:</p>
+
+<p>"Send this guy the bed-bug letter."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A worker in the steel mills applied direct to Mr. Carnegie for a holiday
+in which to get married. The magnate inquired interestedly concerning
+the bride:</p>
+
+<p>"Is she tall or short, slender or plump?"</p>
+
+<p>The prospective bridegroom answered seriously:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, sir, I'm free to say, that if I'd had the rollin' of her, I sure
+would have given her three or four more passes."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FRAUD</h3>
+
+<p>The hired man on a New England farm went on his first trip to the city.
+He returned wearing a scarf pin set with at least four carats bulk of
+radiance. The jewelry dazzled the rural belles, and excited the envy of
+the other young men. His employer bluntly asked if it was a real
+diamond.</p>
+
+<p>"If it ain't," was the answer, "I was skun out o' half a dollar."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FRIENDSHIP</h3>
+
+<p>The kindly lady accosted the little boy on the beach, who stood with
+downcast head, and grinding his toes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span> into the sand and looking very
+miserable and lonely indeed.</p>
+
+<p>"Haven't you anybody to play with?" she inquired sympathetically.</p>
+
+<p>The boy shook his head forlornly, as he explained:</p>
+
+<p>"I have one friend&mdash;but I hate him!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The clergyman on his vacation wrote a long letter concerning his
+traveling experiences to be circulated among the members of the
+congregation. The letter opened in this form:</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Dear Friends:</p>
+
+<p>"I will not address you as ladies and gentlemen, because I know you so
+well."</p></blockquote>
+
+<h3 class="left">FRENCH</h3>
+
+<p>An American tourist in France found that he had a two hours' wait for
+his train at a junction, and set out to explore the neighborhood. He
+discovered at last that he was lost, and could not find his way back to
+the station. He therefore addressed a passer-by in the best French he
+could recollect from his college days, mispronouncing it with great
+emphasis. He voiced his request for information as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Pardonnez-moi. J'ai quitt&eacute; ma train et maintenant je ne sais pas o&ugrave; le
+trouver encore. Est-ce que vous pouvez me montrer le route &agrave; la train?"</p>
+
+<p>"Let's look for it together," said the stranger genially. "I don't speak
+French, either."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FUSSINESS</h3>
+
+<p>The traveler in the Blue Ridge Mountains made his toilet as best he
+could with the aid of the hand basin on its bench by the cabin door and
+the roller towel. He made use of his own comb and brush, tooth-brush,
+nail-file and whiskbroom. The small son of the cabin regarded his
+operations with rounded eyes, and at last broke forth:</p>
+
+<p>"By cricky, mister, I wantta know! Be ye allus thet much trouble to
+yerself?"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">GENDER</h3>
+
+<p>It is quite possible to trap clergymen, as well as laymen, with the
+following question, because they are not always learned in the Old
+Testament.</p>
+
+<p>"If David was the father of Solomon, and Joab was the son of Zeruiah,
+what relation was Zeruiah to Joab?"</p>
+
+<p>Most persons give the answer that Zeruiah was the father of Joab,
+necessarily. That is not the correct answer. The trouble is that Zeruiah
+was a woman. And, of course, David and Solomon having nothing whatever
+to do with the case.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">GENTLEMAN</h3>
+
+<p>There has been much controversy for years as to the proper definition of
+the much abused word "gentleman." Finally, by a printer's error in
+prefixing <i>un</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> to an adverb, an old and rather mushy description of a
+gentleman has been given a novel twist and a pithy point. A
+contributor's letter to a metropolitan daily appeared as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Sir&mdash;I can recall no better description of a gentleman than this&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"'A gentleman is one who never gives offense unintentionally.'"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">GEOGRAPHY</h3>
+
+<p>The airman, after many hours of thick weather, had lost his bearings
+completely. Then it cleared and he was able to make a landing.
+Naturally, he was anxious to know in what part of the world he had
+arrived. He put the question to the group of rustics that had promptly
+assembled. The answer was explicit:</p>
+
+<p>"You've come down in Deacon Peck's north medder lot."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">GHOSTS</h3>
+
+<p>There was a haunted house down South which was carefully avoided by all
+the superstitious negroes. But a new arrival in the community, named
+Sam, bragged of his bravery as too superior to be shaken by any ghosts,
+and declared that, for the small sum of two dollars cash in hand paid,
+he would pass the night alone in the haunted house. A score of other
+darkies contributed, and the required amount was raised. It was not,
+however, to be delivered to the courageous Sam until<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> his reappearance
+after the vigil. With this understanding the boaster betook himself to
+the haunted house for the night.</p>
+
+<p>When a select committee sought for Sam next morning, no trace of him was
+found. Careful search for three days failed to discover the missing
+negro.</p>
+
+<p>But on the fourth day Sam entered the village street, covered with mud
+and evidently worn with fatigue.</p>
+
+<p>"Hi, dar, nigger!" one of the bystanders shouted. "Whar you-all been de
+las' foh days?"</p>
+
+<p>And Sam answered simply:</p>
+
+<p>"Ah's been comin' back."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">GOD</h3>
+
+<p>The little boy was found by his mother with pencil and paper, making a
+sketch. When asked what he was doing, he answered promptly, and with
+considerable pride:</p>
+
+<p>"I'm drawing a picture of God."</p>
+
+<p>"But," gasped the shocked mother, "you cannot do that. No one has seen
+God. No one knows how God looks."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," the little boy replied, complacently, "when I get through they
+will."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">GOD'S WILL</h3>
+
+<p>The clergyman was calling, when the youthful son and heir approached his
+mother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank in repugnance,
+he attempted to reassure her:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p><p>"Oh, it's dead all right, mama. We beat it and beat it and beat it, and
+it's deader 'n dead."</p>
+
+<p>His eyes fell on the clergyman, and he felt that something more was due
+to that reverend presence. So he continued in a tone of solemnity:</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, we beat it and beat it until&mdash;until God called it home!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">GOLF</h3>
+
+<p>The eminent English Statesman Arbuthnot-Joyce plays golf so badly that
+he prefers a solitary round with only the caddy present. He had a new
+boy one day recently, and played as wretchedly as usual.</p>
+
+<p>"I fancy I play the worst game in the world," he confessed to the caddy.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir," was the consoling response. "From what
+the boys were saying about another gentleman who plays here, he must be
+worse even than you are."</p>
+
+<p>"What's his name?" asked the statesman hopefully.</p>
+
+<p>And the caddy replied:</p>
+
+<p>"Arbuthnot-Joyce."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">GRACE</h3>
+
+<p>The son and heir had just been confirmed. At the dinner table, following
+the church service, the father called on his son to say grace. The boy
+was greatly embarrassed by the demand. Moreover, he was tired, not only
+from the excitement of the special service<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span> through which he had passed,
+but also from walking to and from the church, four miles away, and, too,
+he was very hungry indeed and impatient to begin the meal. Despite his
+protest, however, the father insisted.</p>
+
+<p>So, at last, the little man folded his hands with a pious air, closed
+his eyes tight, bent his head reverently, and spoke his prayer:</p>
+
+<p>"O Lord, have mercy on these victuals. Amen!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The new clergyman in the country parish, during his visit to an old lady
+of his flock, inquired if she accepted the doctrine of Falling from
+Grace. The good woman nodded vigorously.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir," she declared with pious zeal, "I believe in it, and, praise
+the Lord! I practise it!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">GRAMMAR</h3>
+
+<p>The passing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman shouting from a
+window down the street was calling to the little girl minding baby
+brother close by on the curb.</p>
+
+<p>"Your mother is calling you," she said kindly.</p>
+
+<p>The little girl corrected the lady:</p>
+
+<p>"Her ain't a-callin' we. Us don't belong to she."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The teacher asked the little girl if she was going to the Maypole dance.
+"No, I ain't going," was the reply.</p>
+
+<p>The teacher corrected the child:</p>
+
+<p>"You must not say, 'I ain't going,' you must say, 'I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> am not going.'"
+And she added to impress the point: "I am not going. He is not going. We
+are not going. You are not going. They are not going. Now, dear, can you
+say all that?"</p>
+
+<p>The little girl nodded and smiled brightly.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure!" she replied. "They ain't nobody going."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The witness, in answer to the lawyer's question, said:</p>
+
+<p>"Them hain't the boots what was stole."</p>
+
+<p>The judge rebuked the witness sternly:</p>
+
+<p>"Speak grammatic, young man&mdash;speak grammatic! You shouldn't ought to
+say, 'them boots what was stole,' you should ought to say, 'them boots
+as was stealed.'"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">GRASS</h3>
+
+<p>The auctioneer, offering the pasture lot for sale, waved his hand
+enthusiastically, pointed toward the rich expanse of herbage, and
+shouted:</p>
+
+<p>"Now, then, how much am I offered for this field? Jest look at that
+grass, gentlemen. That's exactly the sort of grass Nebuchadnezzar would
+have given two hundred dollars an acre for."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">GREED</h3>
+
+<p>An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later,
+the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her
+realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could
+not be fully paid for, she continued:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p><p>"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself
+have embroidered."</p>
+
+<p>The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the
+physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added:</p>
+
+<p>"Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."</p>
+
+<p>"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.</p>
+
+<p>The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put
+back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her
+departure.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">GRIEF</h3>
+
+<p>At the wake, the bereaved husband displayed all the evidences of frantic
+grief. He cried aloud heart-rendingly, and tore his hair. The other
+mourners had to restrain him from leaping into the open coffin.</p>
+
+<p>The next day, a friend who had been at the wake encountered the widower
+on the street and spoke sympathetically of the great woe displayed by
+the man.</p>
+
+<p>"Did you go to the cemetery for the burying?" the stricken husband
+inquired anxiously, and when he was answered in the negative, continued
+proudly: "It's a pity ye weren't there. Ye ought to have seen the way I
+cut up."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The old woman in indigent circumstances was explaining to a visitor, who
+found her at breakfast, a long category of trials and tribulations.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p><p>"And," she concluded, "this very morning, I woke up at four o'clock, and
+cried and cried till breakfast time, and as soon as I finish my tea I'll
+begin again, and probably keep it up all day."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HABIT</h3>
+
+<p>It was the bridegroom's third matrimonial undertaking, and the bride's
+second. When the clergyman on whom they had called for the ceremony
+entered the parlor, he found the couple comfortably seated. They made no
+effort to rise, so, as he opened the book to begin the service, he
+directed them, "Please, stand up."</p>
+
+<p>The bridegroom looked at the bride, and the bride stared back at him,
+and then both regarded the clergyman, while the man voiced their
+decision in a tone that was quite polite, but very firm:</p>
+
+<p>"We have ginerally sot."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>It is a matter of common knowledge that there have been troublous times
+in Ireland before those of the present. In the days of the Land League,
+an Irish Judge told as true of an experience while he was holding court
+in one of the turbulent sections. When the jury entered the court-room
+at the beginning of the session, the bailiff directed them to take their
+accustomed places.... And every man of them walked forward into the
+dock.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HAIR</h3>
+
+<p>The school girl from Avenue A, who had just learned that the notorious
+Gorgon sisters had snakes for hair, chewed her gum thoughtfully as she
+commented:</p>
+
+<p>"Tough luck to have to get out and grab a mess of snakes any time you
+want an extry puff."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HARD TO PLEASE</h3>
+
+<p>The rather ferocious-appearing husband who had taken his wife to the
+beach for a holiday scowled heavily at an amateur photographer, and
+rumbled in a threatening bass voice:</p>
+
+<p>"What the blazes d'ye mean, photographin' my wife? I saw ye when ye done
+it."</p>
+
+<p>The man addressed cringed, and replied placatingly:</p>
+
+<p>"You're mistaken, really! I wouldn't think of doing such a thing."</p>
+
+<p>"Ye wouldn't, eh?" the surly husband growled, still more savagely. "And
+why not? I'd like to know. She's the handsomest woman on the beach."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HASTE</h3>
+
+<p>The colored man was condemned to be hanged, and was awaiting the time
+set for execution in a Mississippi jail. Since all other efforts had
+failed him, he addressed a letter to the governor, with a plea for
+executive <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span>clemency. The opening paragraph left no doubt as to his
+urgent need:</p>
+
+<p>"Dear Boss: The white folks is got me in dis jail fixin' to hang me on
+Friday mornin' and here it is Wednesday already."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HEARSAY</h3>
+
+<p>The convicted feudist was working for a pardon. It was reported to him
+that the opposing clan was pulling wires against him, and spreading
+false reports concerning him. He thereupon wrote a brief missive to the
+governor:</p>
+
+<p>"Deer guvner, if youve heared wat ive heared youve heared youve heared a
+lie."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HEAVEN</h3>
+
+<p>The clergyman in the following story probably did not mean exactly what
+he said, though, human nature being what it is, maybe it was true
+enough.</p>
+
+<p>A parishioner meeting the parson in the street inquired:</p>
+
+<p>"When do you expect to see Deacon Jones again?"</p>
+
+<p>"Never, never again!" the minister declared solemnly. "The deacon is in
+heaven!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HELP</h3>
+
+<p>The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who
+chanced along inquired:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p><p>"How's that new hand o' your'n?"</p>
+
+<p>"Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply. "He ain't a hand&mdash;he's a sore
+thumb."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A savage old boar got into a garden, and was doing much damage. When two
+men tried to drive it out, the animal charged. One of the two climbed a
+tree, the other dodged, and laid hold on the boar's tail. He hung on
+desperately, and man and beast raced wildly round and round the tree.
+Finally, the man shouted between gasps:</p>
+
+<p>"For heaven's sake, Bill, climb down here, and help me leggo this ornery
+old hog!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HELPFULNESS</h3>
+
+<p>Many a mayor is a friend to the people&mdash;just like his honor in the
+following story.</p>
+
+<p>A taxpayer entered the office of the water registrar in a small city,
+and explained himself and his business there as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"My name is O'Rafferty. And my cellar is full of wather, and my hins
+will all be drowned intirely if it ain't fixed. And I'm here to inform
+yez that I'm wantin' it fixed."</p>
+
+<p>It was explained to the complainant that the remedy for his need must be
+sought at the office of the mayor, and he therefore departed to
+interview that official.</p>
+
+<p>After an interval of a few days, O'Rafferty made a second visit to the
+office of the registrar.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, and I've come agin to tell yez that my cellar<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> is now fuller of
+water than ever it was before. And I'm tellin' yez that I want it fixed,
+and I'm a man that carries votes in my pocket."</p>
+
+<p>The registrar again explained that he was powerless in the matter, and
+that the only recourse must be to the mayor.</p>
+
+<p>"The mayor is ut!" O'Rafferty snorted. "Sure and didn't I see the mayor?
+I did thot! And what did the mayor say to me? Huh! he said, 'Mr.
+O'Rafferty, why don't you keep ducks?'"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HEN</h3>
+
+<p>The customer asked for fresh eggs, and the clerk in the London shop
+said:</p>
+
+<p>"Them are fresh which has a hen on 'em."</p>
+
+<p>"But I don't see any hen."</p>
+
+<p>The clerk explained patiently.</p>
+
+<p>"Not the fowl, mum, but the letter <i>hen</i>. <i>Hen</i> stands for <i>noo-laid</i>."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HEREAFTER</h3>
+
+<p>This is the dialogue between a little girl and a little boy:</p>
+
+<p>"What are you bawling about, Jimmie?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'm cryin' because maw has wented to heaven."</p>
+
+<p>"That's silly. Maybe she hain't."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Little Alice questioned her mother concerning heaven, and seemed pleased
+to be assured that she would have wings and harp and crown.</p>
+
+<p>"And candy, too, mamma?"</p>
+
+<p>The mother shook her head.</p>
+
+<p>"Anyhow," Alice declared, "I'm tickled we have such a fine doctor."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HEREDITY</h3>
+
+<p>The woman, who had a turn-up nose and was somewhat self-conscious
+concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to
+excite the jealousy of her little daughter.</p>
+
+<p>"How do you like your new little brother?" she asked the child
+teasingly.</p>
+
+<p>The girl replied, rather maliciously, perhaps:</p>
+
+<p>"He looks just like his muvver."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HIGH PRICES</h3>
+
+<p>Two men were talking together in the Public Library. One of them said:</p>
+
+<p>"The dime novel has gone. I wonder where it's gone to?"</p>
+
+<p>The other, who knew something of literature in its various phases,
+answered cynically:</p>
+
+<p>"It's gone up to a dollar and ninety cents."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HINDSIGHT</h3>
+
+<p>Mike, the hod-carrier, was still somewhat fuddled when he arose Monday
+morning, with the result that he put on his overalls wrong side to; with
+the further result, that he was careless while mounting the ladder later
+with a load of bricks, and fell to the ground. As he raised himself into
+a sitting position, a fellow workman asked solicitously:</p>
+
+<p>"Are yez kilt intoirly, Mike?"</p>
+
+<p>Mike, with drooping head, stared down dully at the seat of his overalls,
+and shook his head.</p>
+
+<p>"No," he declared in a tone of awe, "I'm not kilt, but I'm terrible
+twisted."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A rustic visitor to the city made a desperate run for the ferry boat as
+it was leaving the slip. He made a mighty leap, and covered the
+intervening space, then fell sprawling to the deck, where he lay stunned
+for about two minutes. At last he sat up feebly, and stared dazedly over
+the wide expanse of water between boat and shore.</p>
+
+<p>"Holy hop-toads!" he exclaimed in a tone of profound awe. "What a jump!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HINTING</h3>
+
+<p>A Kansas editor hit on the following gentle device for dunning
+delinquent subscribers to the paper:</p>
+
+<p>"There i$ a little matter that $ome of our $ub$criber$<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> have $eemingly
+forgotten entirely. $ome of them have made u$ many promi$e$, but have
+not kept them. To u$ it i$ a very important matter&mdash;it'$ nece$$ary in
+our bu$me$$. We are very mode$t and don't like to $peak about $uch
+remi$$ne$$."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HISTORY</h3>
+
+<p>The faculty were arranging the order of examinations. It was agreed that
+the harder subjects should be placed first in the list. It was proposed
+that history should have the final place. The woman teacher of that
+subject protested:</p>
+
+<p>"But it is certainly one of the easiest subjects," the head of the
+faculty declared.</p>
+
+<p>The young woman shook her head, and spoke firmly:</p>
+
+<p>"Not the way I teach it. Indeed, according to my method, it is a very
+difficult study, and most perplexing."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Down in Virginia, near Yorktown, lived an aged negro whose proud boast
+was that he had been the body servant of George Washington. As he was
+very old indeed, no one could disprove his claims, and he made the most
+of his historical pretentions. He was full of anecdotes concerning the
+Father of His Country, and exploited himself in every tale. His favorite
+narrative was of the capture of Lord Cornwallis by his master, which was
+as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Yassuh, it were right on dis yere road, jest over<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span> dar by de fo'ks.
+Gen'l Washin'ton, he knowed dat ole Co'nwallis, he gwine pass dis way,
+an' 'im an' me, we done hid behin' de bushes an' watched. Yassuh, an'
+when ole Co'nwallis, he come by, Gen'l Washin'ton, he jumped out at 'im,
+an' he grab 'im by de collah, an' he say, 'Yoh blame' ole rascal, dat de
+time what Ah done gone cotch ye!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HOGS</h3>
+
+<p>The professor and his wife were doubtful about returning to the farm on
+which they had passed the previous summer, because they had been
+somewhat annoyed by the proximity of the pigsty to the house. Finally,
+the professor wrote to the farmer and explained the objectionable
+feature. He received the following reply:</p>
+
+<p>"We hain't had no hogs on the place since you was here last summer. Be
+sure to come."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HOLDING HIS OWN</h3>
+
+<p>The farmer, after seven years of effort on the stony farm, announced to
+all and sundry:</p>
+
+<p>"Anyhow, I'm holdin' my own. I hadn't nothin' when I come here, an' I
+haven't nothin' now."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HOME BREW</h3>
+
+<p>The young man had offered his heart and hand to the fair damsel.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p><p>"Before giving you my decision," she said sweetly, "I wish to ask you a
+question." Then, as he nodded assent: "Do you drink anything?"</p>
+
+<p>The young man replied without an instant of hesitation and proudly:</p>
+
+<p>"Anything!"</p>
+
+<p>And she fell into his arms.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HOMESICKNESS</h3>
+
+<p>One of our volunteers in the late war lost some of his first enthusiasm
+under the bitter experience of campaigning. One night at the front in
+France, while his company was stationed in a wood, a lieutenant
+discovered the recruit sitting on a log and weeping bitterly. The
+officer spoke roughly:</p>
+
+<p>"Now, what are you bawling about, you big baby?"</p>
+
+<p>"I wish I was in my daddy's barn!" replied the soldier in a plaintive
+voice.</p>
+
+<p>"In your daddy's barn!" the astonished lieutenant exclaimed. "What for?
+What would you do if you were in your daddy's barn?"</p>
+
+<p>"If I was in my daddy's barn," the youth explained huskily through a
+choking sob, "I'd go into the house mighty quick!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HONEYMOON</h3>
+
+<p>The newly married pair were stopping in a hotel. The bride left the
+groom in their room while she went out on a brief shopping expedition.
+She returned in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> due time, and passed along the hotel corridor to the
+door, on which she tapped daintily.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm back, honey&mdash;let me in," she murmured with wishful tenderness. But
+there was no answer vouchsafed to her plea. She knocked a little more
+firmly, and raised her voice somewhat to call again:</p>
+
+<p>"Honey, honey&mdash;it's Susie! Let me in!"</p>
+
+<p>Thereupon a very cold masculine voice sounded through the door:</p>
+
+<p>"Madam, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HONORABLE INTENTIONS</h3>
+
+<p>A certain man notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years to
+a young lady, without coming to the point. The girl's father thought it
+time for him to interfere. On the swain's next visit, the father
+interviewed him:</p>
+
+<p>"Clinton, you've been settin' up with Nellie, an' takin' her to picnics,
+an' to church an' buggy-ridin', an' nothin's come of it. So, now,
+Clinton, I ask you, as man to man, what be your intentions?"</p>
+
+<p>And Clinton responded unabashed:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, answerin' you as man to man, I'll say there hain't no cause for
+you to ruffle your shirt. My intentions is honorable&mdash;but remote."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HOSPITAL</h3>
+
+<p>Little Mary, who had fallen ill, begged for a kitten. It was found that
+an operation was necessary for the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> child's cure, and that she must go
+to the hospital. The mother promised that if she would be very brave
+during this time of trial she should have the very finest kitten to be
+found.</p>
+
+<p>As Mary was coming out from the influence of the anesthetic, the nurse
+heard her muttering, and stooping, heard these words:</p>
+
+<p>"It's a bum way to get a cat."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HOSPITALITY</h3>
+
+<p>The good wife apologized to her unexpected guests for serving the apple
+pie without cheese. The little boy of the family slipped quietly away
+from the table for a moment, and returned with a cube of cheese, which
+he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled in recognition of the
+lad's thoughtfulness, popped the cheese into his mouth, and then
+remarked:</p>
+
+<p>"You must have sharper eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find
+it?"</p>
+
+<p>The boy replied with a flush of pride:</p>
+
+<p>"In the rat-trap."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HUMBUG</h3>
+
+<p>Two boys once thought to play a trick on Charles Darwin. They took the
+body of a centipede, the wings of a butterfly, the legs of a grasshopper
+and the head of a beetle, and glued these together to form a weird
+monster. With the composite creature in a box, they visited Darwin.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p><p>"Please, sir, will you tell us what sort of a bug this is?" the
+spokesman asked.</p>
+
+<p>The naturalist gave a short glance at the exhibit and a long glance at
+the boys.</p>
+
+<p>"Did it hum?" he inquired solemnly.</p>
+
+<p>The boys replied enthusiastically, in one voice:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, then," Darwin declared, "it is a humbug."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HUMIDITY</h3>
+
+<p>The little boy had been warned repeatedly against playing on the lawn
+when it was damp. Saturday evening, his father heard him recite a
+Scripture verse learned for the Sunday school.</p>
+
+<p>"'Put off thy shoes from they feet, for the ground whereon thou standest
+is&mdash;&mdash;'" He halted at a loss.</p>
+
+<p>"Is what, my boy?" asked the father.</p>
+
+<p>"Is damp."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HUMILITY</h3>
+
+<p>The slow suitor asked:</p>
+
+<p>"Elizabeth, would you like to have a puppy?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Edward," the girl gushed, "how delightfully humble of you. Yes,
+dearest, I accept."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HUNGER</h3>
+
+<p>"That woman never turns away a hungry man."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, genuinely charitable!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p><p>"Hardly that. She says, 'Are you so hungry you want to saw some wood for
+a dinner?' And the answer is, 'No.'"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HUNTING</h3>
+
+<p>An amateur sportsman spent the day with dog and gun, but brought home no
+game. A friend twitted him with his failure:</p>
+
+<p>"Didn't you shoot anything at all?"</p>
+
+<p>The honest fellow nodded miserably.</p>
+
+<p>"I shot my dog."</p>
+
+<p>"Why?" his questioner demanded. "Was he mad?"</p>
+
+<p>The sportsman shook his head doubtfully.</p>
+
+<p>"Not exactly mad," he asserted; "and not so darned tickled neither!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">IDENTITY</h3>
+
+<p>The paying teller told mournfully of his experience with a strange woman
+who appeared at his wicket to have a check cashed.</p>
+
+<p>"But, madam," he advised her, "you will have to get some one to
+introduce you before I can pay you the money on this check."</p>
+
+<p>The woman stared at him disdainfully.</p>
+
+<p>"Sir!" she said haughtily. "I wish you to understand that I am here
+strictly on business. I am not making a social call. I do not care to
+know you."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">IDIOMS</h3>
+
+<p>The foreigner, who prided himself on his mastery of colloquial
+expressions in English, was speaking of the serious illness of a
+distinguished statesman.</p>
+
+<p>"It would be a great pity," he declared, "if such a splendid man should
+kick the ghost."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The old man told how his brother made a hazardous descent into a well by
+standing in the bucket while those above operated the windlass.</p>
+
+<p>"And what happened?" one of the listeners asked as the aged narrator
+paused.</p>
+
+<p>The old man stroked his beard, and spoke softly, in a tone of sorrowing
+reminiscence:</p>
+
+<p>"He kicked the bucket."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ILLUSTRATION</h3>
+
+<p>Pat was set to work with the circular saw during his first day at the
+saw mill. The foreman gave careful instructions how to guard against
+injury, but no sooner was his back turned than he heard a howl from the
+novice, and, on turning, he saw that Pat had already lost a finger.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, how did that happen?" the foreman demanded.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure," was the explanation, "I was jist doin' like this
+when,&mdash;bejabers, there's another gone!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">IMPATIENCE</h3>
+
+<p>An acquaintance encountered in the village inquired of Farmer Jones
+concerning his wife, who was seriously ill. That worthy scowled and
+spat, and finally answered in a tone of fretful dejection:</p>
+
+<p>"Seems like Elmiry's falin' drefful slow. Dinged if I don't wish as how
+she'd git well, or somethin'."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">IMPUDENCE</h3>
+
+<p>The ice on the river was in perfect condition. A small boy, with his
+skates on his arm, knocked at the door of the Civil War veteran, who had
+lost a leg at Antietam. When the door was opened by the old man, the boy
+asked:</p>
+
+<p>"Are you going out to-day, sir?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, no, I guess not, sonny," was the answer. "Why?"</p>
+
+<p>"If you ain't," the boy suggested, "I thought I might like to borrow
+your wooden leg to play hockey."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">INDIRECTION</h3>
+
+<p>The bashful suitor finally nerved himself to the supreme effort:</p>
+
+<p>"Er&mdash;Jenny, do you&mdash;think&mdash;er&mdash;your mother might&mdash;er&mdash;seriously
+consider&mdash;er&mdash;becoming my&mdash;er-mother-in-law?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">INHERITANCE</h3>
+
+<p>A lawyer made his way to the edge of the excavation where a gang was
+working, and called the name of Timothy O'Toole.</p>
+
+<p>"Who's wantin' me?" inquired a heavy voice.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer asked, "did you come from Castlebar, County
+Mayo?"</p>
+
+<p>"I did that."</p>
+
+<p>"And your mother was named Bridget and your father Michael?"</p>
+
+<p>"They was."</p>
+
+<p>"It is my duty, then," said the lawyer, "to inform you, Mr. O'Toole,
+that your Aunt Mary has died in Iowa, leaving you an estate of sixty
+thousand dollars."</p>
+
+<p>There was a short silence below, and then a lively commotion.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you coming, Mr. O'Toole?" the lawyer called down.</p>
+
+<p>"In wan minute," was bellowed in answer. "I've just stopped to lick the
+foreman."</p>
+
+<p>It required just six months of extremely riotous living for O'Toole to
+expend all of the sixty thousand dollars. His chief endeavor was to
+satisfy a huge inherited thirst.</p>
+
+<p>Then he went back to his job. And there, presently, the lawyer sought
+him out again.</p>
+
+<p>"It's your Uncle Patrick, this time, Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer explained.
+"He has died in Texas, and left you forty thousand dollars."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p><p>O'Toole leaned heavily on his pick, and shook his head in great
+weariness.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't think I can take it," he declared. "I'm not as strong as I
+wance was, and I misdoubt me that I could go through all that money and
+live."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>In a London theatre, a tragedy was being played. The aged king tottered
+to and fro on the stage as he declaimed:</p>
+
+<p>"On which one of my two sons shall I bestow the crown?"</p>
+
+<p>A voice came down from the gallery:</p>
+
+<p>"Hi saye, guv'nor, myke it 'arf a crown apiece."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Said one Tommy to another:</p>
+
+<p>"That's a snortin' pipe, Bill. Where'd you happen on it?"</p>
+
+<p>"It was pussonal property of a Boche what tried to take me prisoner,"
+was the answer. "Inherited it from him."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">INITIATIVE</h3>
+
+<p>The sweet little girl had a violent tussle with her particular chum. Her
+mother reprimanded her, and concluded by saying:</p>
+
+<p>"It was Satan who suggested to you the pulling of Jenny's hair."</p>
+
+<p>"I shouldn't be surprised," the child replied musingly. "But," she added
+proudly, "kicking her in the shins was entirely my own idea."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">INJUSTICE</h3>
+
+<p>The child sat by the road bawling loudly. A passer-by asked him what was
+the matter.</p>
+
+<p>"My ma, she's gone and drowned the kittens," the boy wailed.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, isn't that too bad!" was the sympathetic response.</p>
+
+<p>The child bawled the louder.</p>
+
+<p>"An' ma she promised me that I could drown 'em."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">INNOCENCE</h3>
+
+<p>A little girl four years old was alone in the nursery with the door
+closed and fastened when her little brother arrived and expressed a
+desire to come in. The following was the dialogue:</p>
+
+<p>"I wants to tum in, Sissy."</p>
+
+<p>"But you tan't tum in, Tom."</p>
+
+<p>"But I wants to."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'se in my nightie gown an' nurse says little boys mus'n't see
+little girls in their nightie gowns."</p>
+
+<p>There was a period of silence during which the astonished little boy
+reflected on the mystery. It was ended by Sissy's calling out:</p>
+
+<p>"You tan tum in now, Tom&mdash;I tooked it off."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The very young clergyman made his first parochial call. He tried to
+admire the baby, and asked how old it was.</p>
+
+<p>"Just ten weeks old," the proud mother replied.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p><p>And the very young clergyman inquired interestedly:</p>
+
+<p>"And is it your youngest?"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">INQUISITIVENESS</h3>
+
+<p>In the smoking car, one of the passengers had an empty coatsleeve. The
+sharer of his seat was of an inquisitive turn, and after a vain effort
+to restrain his curiosity, finally hemmed and hawed, and said:</p>
+
+<p>"I beg pardon, sir, but I see you've lost an arm."</p>
+
+<p>The one-armed man picked up the empty sleeve in his remaining hand, and
+felt of it with every evidence of astonishment.</p>
+
+<p>"Bless my soul!" he exclaimed. "I do believe you're right."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The curiosity of the passenger was excited by the fact that his seatmate
+had his right arm in a sling, and the following dialogue occurred:</p>
+
+<p>"You broke your arm, didn't you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, yes, I did."</p>
+
+<p>"Had an accident, I suppose?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not exactly. I did it in trying to pat myself on the back."</p>
+
+<p>"My land! On the back! Now, whatever did you want to pat yourself on the
+back for?"</p>
+
+<p>"Just for minding my own business."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">INSOMNIA</h3>
+
+<p>The man suffering from insomnia quite often makes a mistake in calling
+the doctor, when what he needs is the preacher.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">INSULT</h3>
+
+<p>The young wife greeted her husband tearfully on his return from the
+day's work.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Willie, darling," she gasped, "I have been so insulted!"</p>
+
+<p>"Insulted!" Willie exclaimed wrathfully. "Insulted by whom?"</p>
+
+<p>"By your mother!" the wife declared, and sobbed aloud.</p>
+
+<p>The husband was aghast, but inclined to be skeptical.</p>
+
+<p>"By my mother, Ella? Why, dearest, that's nonsense. She's a hundred
+miles away."</p>
+
+<p>"But she did," the wife insisted. "A letter came to you this morning,
+and it was addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, I opened
+it."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes, of course," Willie agreed, without any enthusiasm.</p>
+
+<p>"And it was written to you all the whole way through, every word of it,
+except&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Except what?"</p>
+
+<p>"Except the postscript," the wife flared. "That was the insult&mdash;that was
+to me." The tears flowed again. "It said: 'P. S.&mdash;Dear Ella, don't fail
+to give this letter to Willie. I want him to read it.'"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Tom Corwin was remarkable for the size of his mouth. He claimed that he
+had been insulted by a deacon of his church.</p>
+
+<p>"When I stood up in the class meeting, to relate my experience," Corwin
+explained, "and opened my<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span> mouth, the Deacon rose up in front and said,
+'Will some brother please close that window, and keep it closed!'"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">INSURANCE</h3>
+
+<p>The woman at the insurance office inquired as to the costs, amounts
+paid, etc.</p>
+
+<p>"So," she concluded, "if I pay five dollars, you pay me a thousand if my
+house burns down. But do you ask questions about how the fire came to
+start?"</p>
+
+<p>"We make careful investigation, of course," the agent replied.</p>
+
+<p>The woman flounced toward the door disgustedly.</p>
+
+<p>"Just as I thought," she called over her shoulder. "I knew there was a
+catch in it."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">INTERMISSION</h3>
+
+<p>During a lecture, Artemas Ward once startled the crowd of listeners by
+announcing a fifteen-minute intermission. After contemplating the
+audience for a few minutes, he relieved their bewilderment by saying:</p>
+
+<p>"Meanwhile, in order to pass the time, we will proceed with the
+lecture."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">INVENTORS</h3>
+
+<p>The profiteer, skimming over the advertisements in his morning paper,
+looked across the damask and silver and cut glass at his wife, and
+remarked enviously:</p>
+
+<p>"These inventors make the money. Take cleaners, now, I'll bet that
+feller Vacuum has cleared millions."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ITEMS</h3>
+
+<p>The painter was required to render an itemized bill for his repairs on
+various pictures in a convent. The statement was as follows:</p>
+
+<table border='0' cellspacing='0' cellpadding='5' summary='painters bill'>
+  <tr>
+    <td>Corrected and renewed the Ten Commandments</td>
+    <td> &nbsp; &nbsp; 6.00</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a new ribbon on his bonnet</td>
+    <td> &nbsp; &nbsp; 3.06</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>Put a new tail on the rooster of St. Peter and mended his bill</td>
+    <td> &nbsp; &nbsp; 4.08</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>Put a new nose on St. John the Baptist and straightened his eye</td>
+    <td> &nbsp; &nbsp; 2.06</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>Replumed and gilded the left wing of the Guardian Angel</td>
+    <td> &nbsp; &nbsp; 5.06</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>Washed the servant of the High Priest and put carmine on his cheeks</td>
+    <td> &nbsp; &nbsp; 2.04</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>Renewed Heaven, adjusted ten stars, gilded the sun and cleaned the moon</td>
+    <td> &nbsp; &nbsp; 8.02</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>Reanimated the flames of Purgatory and restored some souls</td>
+    <td> &nbsp; &nbsp; 3.06</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>Revived the flames of Hell, put a new tail on the devil, mended his left hoof and did several odd
+jobs for the damned</td>
+    <td> &nbsp; &nbsp; 4.10</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>Put new spatter-dashes on the son of Tobias and dressing on his sack</td>
+    <td> &nbsp; &nbsp; 2.00</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>Rebordered the robe of Herod and readjusted his wig</td>
+    <td> &nbsp; &nbsp; 3.07</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>Cleaned the ears of Balaam's ass, and shod him</td>
+    <td> &nbsp; &nbsp; 2.08</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>Put earrings in the ears of Sarah</td>
+    <td> &nbsp; &nbsp; 5.00</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span>Put a new stone in David's sling, enlarged Goliath's
+hand and extended his legs</td>
+    <td> &nbsp; &nbsp; 2.00</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>Decorated Noah's Ark</td>
+    <td> &nbsp; &nbsp; 1.20</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>Mended the shirt of the Prodigal Son, and cleaned the</td>
+    <td> &nbsp; &nbsp; 1.00</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td></td>
+    <td>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td></td>
+    <td> &nbsp; 53.83</td>
+  </tr>
+</table>
+
+<h3 class="left">JOKES</h3>
+
+<p>The joke maker's association had a feast. They exploited their humorous
+abilities, and all made merry, save one glum guest. At last, they
+insisted that this melancholy person should contribute to the
+entertainment. He consented, in response to much urging, to offer a
+conundrum:</p>
+
+<p>"What is the difference between me and a turkey?"</p>
+
+<p>When none could guess the answer, the glum individual explained:</p>
+
+<p>"I am alive. They stuff turkeys with chestnuts after they are dead."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">KINSHIP</h3>
+
+<p>The urchin was highly excited, and well he might be when we consider his
+explanation:</p>
+
+<p>"They got twins up to sisters. One twin, he's a boy, an' one twin, she's
+a girl, an' so I'm a uncle an' a aunt."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The Southern lady interrogated her colored cook,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> Matilda, concerning a
+raid made on the chicken-house during the night.</p>
+
+<p>"You sleep right close to the chicken-house, Matilda, and it seems to me
+you must have heard the noise when those thieves were stealing the
+chickens."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, ma'am," Matilda admitted, with an expression of grief on her dusky
+features. "I heerd de chickens holler, an' I heerd the voices ob de
+men."</p>
+
+<p>"Then why didn't you go out and stop them?" the mistress demanded.</p>
+
+<p>Matilda wept.</p>
+
+<p>"Case, ma'am," she exclaimed, "I know'd my old fadder was dar, an' I
+wouldn't hab him know I'se los' confidence in him foh all de chickens in
+de world. If I had gone out dar an' kotched him, it would have broke his
+ole heart, an', besides, he would hab made me tote de chickens home foh
+him."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">KISSES</h3>
+
+<p>The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous condition, appealed to the
+clergyman in a loud whisper, at the close of the ceremony:</p>
+
+<p>"Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?"</p>
+
+<p>The clergyman might have replied:</p>
+
+<p>"Not yet, but soon."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The young man addressed the old grouch:</p>
+
+<p>"When a fellow has taken a girl to a show, and fed her candy, and given
+her supper, and taken her home<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span> in a taxi, shouldn't she let a fellow
+kiss her good-night?"</p>
+
+<p>The old grouch snorted.</p>
+
+<p>"Humph! He's already done more than enough for her."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">KISSING</h3>
+
+<p>The subject of kissing was debated with much earnestness for a half hour
+between the girl and her young man caller. The fellow insisted that it
+was always possible for a man to kiss a girl at will, whether she chose
+to permit it or not. The maiden was firm in maintaining that such was
+not the case. Finally, it was decided that the only solution of the
+question must be by a practical demonstration one way or the other. So,
+they tried it. They clinched, and the battle was on. After a lively
+tussle, they broke away. The girl had been kissed&mdash;ardently for a period
+of minutes. Her comment showed an undaunted spirit:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, well, you really didn't win fair. My foot slipped ... Let's try it
+again."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The tiny boy fell down and bumped his head. His Uncle Bill picked the
+child up, with the remark:</p>
+
+<p>"Now I'll kiss it, and the pain will all be gone."</p>
+
+<p>The youngster recovered his smiles under the treatment, and then, as he
+was set down, addressed his uncle eagerly:</p>
+
+<p>"Come down in the kitchen&mdash;the cook has the toothache."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Some Scottish deacons were famous, if not notorious, for the readiness
+with which they could expound any passage of Scripture. It is recorded
+of a certain elder that as he read and commented on the thirty-fourth
+Psalm, he misread the sentence, "Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips
+from speaking guile." He carelessly read the last two words: "squeaking
+girls." But the astonishing phrase did not dismay him in the least, or
+cause him to hesitate in his exegesis. He expounded instantly and
+solemnly:</p>
+
+<p>"It is evident from this passage, my brethren, that the Scripture does
+not absolutely forbid kissing, but, as in Christianity everything is to
+be done decently and in order, we are here encouraged by this passage to
+choose rather those girls that take it quietly, in preference to those
+that squeak under the operation."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LAUGHTER</h3>
+
+<p>Josh Billings said:</p>
+
+<p>"Laff every time yu pheel tickled&mdash;and laff once in a while enny how."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LAW</h3>
+
+<p>The lawyer explained to the client his scale of prices:</p>
+
+<p>"I charge five dollars for advising you as to just what the law permits
+you to do. For giving you advice as to the way you can safely do what
+the law forbids, my minimum fee is one hundred dollars."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LAWYERS</h3>
+
+<p>There was a town jail, and there was a county jail. The fact was worth
+forty dollars to the lawyer who was approached by an old darky in behalf
+of a son languishing in duress. The lawyer surveyed the tattered client
+as he listened, and decided that he would be lucky to obtain a
+ten-dollar fee. He named that amount as necessary to secure the
+prisoner's release. Thereupon, the old colored man drew forth a large
+roll of bills, and peeled off a ten. The lawyer's greedy eyes popped.</p>
+
+<p>"What jail is your son in?" he inquired craftily.</p>
+
+<p>"In the county jail."</p>
+
+<p>"In the county jail!" was the exclamation in a tone of dismay. "That's
+bad&mdash;very bad. It will cost you at least fifty dollars."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Some physicians direct their patients to lie always on the right side,
+declaring that it is injurious to the health to lie on both sides. Yet,
+lawyers as a class enjoy good health.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LEGERDEMAIN</h3>
+
+<p>"What did you do last night?"</p>
+
+<p>"I went to a slight-of-hand performance. Called on Laura Sears, and
+offered her my hand, and she slighted it."</p>
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p><p>LENT</p>
+
+<p>"Did you give up anything during Lent?" one man asked another.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," was the reply, uttered with a heavy sigh. "I gave up fifty
+dollars for a new Easter bonnet."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LIARS</h3>
+
+<p>The World War has incited veterans of the Civil War to new reminiscences
+of old happenings. One of these is based on the fact that furloughs were
+especially difficult to obtain when the Union army was in front of
+Petersburg, Virginia. But a certain Irishman was resolved to get a
+furlough in spite of the ban. He went to the colonel's tent, and was
+permitted to enter. He saluted, and delivered himself thus:</p>
+
+<p>"Colonel, I've come to ax you to allow me the pleasure of a furlough for
+a visit home. I've been in the field now three years, an' never home yet
+to see me family. An' I jest had a letter from me wife wantin' av me to
+come home to see her an' the children."</p>
+
+<p>The colonel shook his head decisively.</p>
+
+<p>"No, Mike," he replied. "I'm sorry, but to tell the truth, I don't think
+you ought to go home. I've jest had a letter from your wife myself. She
+doesn't want you to come home. She writes me that you'd only get drunk,
+and disgrace her and the children. So you'd better stay right here until
+your term of service expires."</p>
+
+<p>"All right, sir," Mike answered, quite cheerfully. He<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span> saluted and went
+to the door of the tent. Then he faced about.</p>
+
+<p>"Colonel dear," he inquired in a wheedling voice, "would ye be after
+pardonin' me for a brief remark jist at this toime?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, certainly," the officer assented.</p>
+
+<p>"Ye won't git mad an' put me in the guard house for freein' me mind, so
+to spake?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, indeed! Say what you wish to."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, thin, Colonel darlint, I'm afther thinkin' thar are at the
+prisint moment in this tint two of the biggest liars in all the Army of
+the Potomic, an' sure I'm one av thim&mdash;I have no wife."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LIES</h3>
+
+<p>A certain famous preacher when preaching one Sunday in the summer time
+observed that many among the congregation ware drowsing. Suddenly, then,
+he paused, and afterward continued in a loud voice, relating an incident
+that had no connection whatever with his sermon. This was to the
+following effect:</p>
+
+<p>"I was once riding along a country road. I came to the house of a
+farmer, and halted to observe one of the most remarkable sights I have
+ever seen. There was a sow with a litter of ten little pigs. This sow
+and each of her offspring had a long curved horn growing out of the
+forehead between the ears."</p>
+
+<p>The clergyman again paused, and ran his eye over the congregation.
+Everybody was now wide-awake. He thereupon remarked:</p>
+
+<p>"Behold how strange! A few minutes since, when I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> was telling you the
+truth, you went to sleep. But now when you have heard a whopping lie,
+you are all wide-awake."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LIGHTNING</h3>
+
+<p>The woman was strong-minded, and she was religious, and she was also
+afflicted with a very feminine fear of thunder storms. She was
+delivering an address at a religious convention when a tempest suddenly
+broke with din of thunder and flare of lightning. Above the noise of the
+elements, her voice was heard in shrill supplication:</p>
+
+<p>"O Lord, take us under Thy protecting wings, for Thou knowest that
+feathers are splendid non-conductors."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LISP</h3>
+
+<p>The kindergarten teacher questioned her tiny pupil:</p>
+
+<p>"Do you know, Jennie, what a panther is?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yeth, ma'am," Jennie replied, beaming. "A panther ith a man who makes
+panth."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LITERAL</h3>
+
+<p>The class had been told by the teacher to write compositions in which
+they must not attempt any flights of fancy, but should only state what
+was really in them. The star production from this command was a
+composition written by a boy who was both sincere and painstaking. It
+ran as follows:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p><p>"I shall not attempt any flites of fancy, but wright just what is really
+in me. In me there is my stommick, lungs, liver, two apples, two cakes
+and my dinner."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LITERALNESS</h3>
+
+<p>The visitor from the city stopped in at the general store of the
+village, and inquired:</p>
+
+<p>"Have you anything in the shape of automobile tires?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yep," the store-keeper answered briskly, "life-preservers, invalid
+cushions, funeral wreaths, doughnuts, an' sich."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LOGIC</h3>
+
+<p>The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before
+the gooseberry bush in the garden. She noted that his expression was
+both puzzled and distressed.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, what's the matter, little lamb?" she asked tenderly.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm finkin, muvver," the boy answered.</p>
+
+<p>"What about, little man?"</p>
+
+<p>"Have gooseberries any legs, muvver?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, no! Of course not, dear."</p>
+
+<p>The perplexity passed from the little boy's face, but the expression of
+trouble deepened, as he spoke again:</p>
+
+<p>"Then, muvver, I fink I've swallowed a catapillar."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LOQUACITY</h3>
+
+<p>The two old Scotchmen played a round of seventeen holes without a word
+exchanged between them. As they<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> came to the eighteenth green, Sandy
+surveyed the lie, and muttered:</p>
+
+<p>"Dormie."</p>
+
+<p>Quoth Tammas, with a snarl:</p>
+
+<p>"Chatter-r-rbox!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LOVE</h3>
+
+<p>The philosopher calmly defined the exact difference between life and
+love:</p>
+
+<p>"Life is just one fool thing after another: love is just two fool things
+after each other."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LOVE ME, LOVE ME NOT</h3>
+
+<p>The little girl came in tears to her mother.</p>
+
+<p>"God doesn't love me," she sobbed.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course, God loves you," the mother declared. "How did you ever come
+to get such an idea?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," the child persisted, "He doesn't love me. I know&mdash;I tried Him with
+a daisy."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LUCK</h3>
+
+<p>The pessimist quoted from his own experience at poker in illustration of
+the general cussedness of things:</p>
+
+<p>"Frequent, I have sot in a poker game, and it sure is queer how things
+will turn out. I've sot hour after hour in them games, without ever
+takin' a pot. And then, 'long about four o'clock in the mornin', the
+luck'd turn&mdash;it'd take a turn for the worse."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the very
+expensive restaurant.</p>
+
+<p>"Just luck," the hungry man replied, sadly. "I happened to move that
+small piece of potato, and there it was!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The new reporter wrote his concluding paragraph concerning the murder as
+follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all of his money in the
+bank the day before. He lost practically nothing but his life."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The editor of the country paper went home to supper, smiling radiantly.</p>
+
+<p>"Have you had some good luck?" his wife questioned.</p>
+
+<p>"Luck! I should say so. Deacon Tracey, who hasn't paid his subscription
+for ten years, came in and stopped his paper."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LUNACY</h3>
+
+<p>The lunatic peered over the asylum wall, and saw a man fishing from the
+bank of the river that ran close by. It was raining hard, which cooled
+the fevered brow of the lunatic and enabled him to think with great
+clearness. In consequence, he called down to the drenched fisherman:</p>
+
+<p>"Caught anything?"</p>
+
+<p>The man on the bank looked up, and shook his head glumly.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p><p>"How long you been there?" the lunatic next demanded.</p>
+
+<p>"Three hours," was the answer.</p>
+
+<p>The lunatic grinned hospitably, and called down an invitation:</p>
+
+<p>"Come inside!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LUXURY</h3>
+
+<p>The retired colonel, who had seen forty years of active service, gave
+his body servant, long his orderly, explicit instructions:</p>
+
+<p>"Every morning, at five sharp, Sam, you are to wake me up, and say,
+'Time for the parade, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>"Then, I'll say, 'Damn the parade!' and turn over and go to sleep
+again."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LYING</h3>
+
+<p>The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring:</p>
+
+<p>"I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving
+town to-day for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the
+train and pay him the money."</p>
+
+<p>"You are excused," the judge announced in a very cold voice. "I don't
+want anybody on the jury who can lie like you."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The tender young mother detected her baby boy in a deliberate lie. With
+tears in her eyes, and a catch in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> her voice, she sought to impress upon
+him the enormity of his offense.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you know," she questioned severely, "what happens to little boys who
+tell falsehoods?"</p>
+
+<p>The culprit shook his head in great distress, and the mother explained
+carefully:</p>
+
+<p>"Why, a great big black man, with horns on his head and one eye in the
+center of his forehead, comes along and grabs the little boy who has
+told a falsehood, and flies with him up to the moon, and keeps him there
+sifting ashes all the rest of his life. You won't ever tell another
+falsehood, will you, darling? It's wicked!"</p>
+
+<p>Mother's baby boy regarded the speaker with round-eyed admiration.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, ma," he gurgled, "what a whopper!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MAIDENS</h3>
+
+<p>"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get
+married," said the languishing coquette to her most intimate confidante.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll tell you," came the catty answer, "if you'll tell me how many men
+you're going to marry."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MAIDEN SPEECH</h3>
+
+<p>The unhappy man explained the cause of his wretchedness:</p>
+
+<p>"I've never made a speech in my life. But last night at the dinner at
+the club they insisted on my making some remarks, and I got up, and
+began like this:</p>
+
+<p>"As I was sitting on my thought, a seat struck me."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MANNERS</h3>
+
+<p>It is told of Prince Herbert Bismarck that at a reception in the Royal
+Palace in Berlin he rudely jostled a high dignitary of the Italian
+church. In answer to the prelate's expression of annoyance, the Prince
+drew himself haughtily erect, and said, "I am Herbert Bismarck."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah," replied the churchman, "that fact is perhaps an apology;
+certainly, it is a complete explanation."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The tenderfoot in the Western town asked for coffee and rolls at the
+lunch counter. He was served by the waitress, and there was no saucer
+for the cup.</p>
+
+<p>"What about the saucer?" he asked.</p>
+
+<p>The girl explained:</p>
+
+<p>"We don't hand out saucers no more. We found, if we did, like's not,
+some low-brow would drift in an' drink out of the saucer, an' that ain't
+good fer trade. This here is a swell dump."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>After treading rather heavily on her foot, the man in the street car
+made humble apology to the woman. She listened in grim silence, and,
+when he had made an end, spoke very much to the point:</p>
+
+<p>"That's it! Walk all over a body's feet, an' then blat about how sorry
+you be. Well, I jest want you to understand that if I wasn't a puffick
+lady, I'd slap your dirty face!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MARKSMANSHIP</h3>
+
+<p>During the Saturday night revels in a frontier town, the scrawniest and
+skinniest beanpole-type citizen got shot in the leg. The only doctor in
+the town had done celebrating and gone to bed. A posse of citizens
+pounded on the doctor's door, until he thrust his head out of a window.</p>
+
+<p>"Whazzamazzer?" he called down.</p>
+
+<p>"Comea-runnin', Doc. Joe Jinks's been shot."</p>
+
+<p>"Whereabouts shot?"</p>
+
+<p>"In the laig."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Some</i> shootin'!" And the doctor slammed the window shut.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MARRIAGE</h3>
+
+<p>Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The mild little husband was appealing to the court for protection from
+the large, bony belligerent and baleful female who was his wife.</p>
+
+<p>"Let us begin at the beginning," said the judge. "Where did you first
+meet this woman who has thus abused you?"</p>
+
+<p>The little man shuddered, and looked everywhere except at his wife as he
+replied:</p>
+
+<p>"I never did, so to say, meet up with her. She jest naturally overtook
+me."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>An African newspaper recently carried the following advertisement:</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Wanted</i><br />Small nicely furnished house, nice<br />
+locality, from August 1st, for<br />nearly married couple.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The solemn ceremony of marriage was being performed for the blushing
+young bride and the elderly gentleman who had been thrice widowed. There
+was a sound of loud sobs from the next room. The guests were startled,
+but a member of the bridegroom's family explained:</p>
+
+<p>"That's only our Jane. She always cries when Pa is gettin' married."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The mistress was annoyed by the repeated calls of a certain negro on her
+colored cook.</p>
+
+<p>"You told me," she protested to the cook, "that you had no man friends.
+But this fellow is in the kitchen all the time."</p>
+
+<p>"Dat nigger, he hain't no friend o' mine," the cook declared scornfully.
+"Him, he's jes' my 'usban'."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Deacon Gibbs explained why he had at last decided to move into town in
+spite of the fact that he had always declared himself a lover of life in
+the country. But his explanation was clear and conclusive.</p>
+
+<p>"My third wife, Mirandy, she don't like the country, an' what Mirandy
+she don't like, I jist nacherly hev to hate."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The wife suggested to her husband that he should pay back to her the
+dollar he had borrowed the week before.</p>
+
+<p>"But," the husband protested indignantly, "I've already paid that dollar
+back to you twice! You can't expect me to pay it again!"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, very well," the wife retorted with a contemptuous sniff, "never
+mind, since you are as mean as that."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The very youthful son of a henpecked father was in a gloomy mood,
+rebellious against the conditions of his life. He announced a desperate
+purpose:</p>
+
+<p>"I'm going to get married. I'm bossed by pa an ma, an' teacher, an' I
+ain't going to stan' for it. I'm going to get married right smack off. A
+married man ain't bossed by nobody 'cept his wife."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The woman was six feet tall and broad and brawny in proportion. The man
+was a short five feet, anemic and wobegone. The woman haled him before
+the justice of the peace with a demand that he marry her or go to jail.</p>
+
+<p>"Did you promise to marry this lady?" the justice asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Guilty, your honor," was the answer.</p>
+
+<p>The justice turned to the woman: "Are you determined to marry this man?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am!" she snapped.</p>
+
+<p>"Join hands," the justice commended. When they had done so he raised his
+own right hand impressively and spoke solemnly:</p>
+
+<p>"I pronounce you twain woman and husband."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A lady received a visit from a former maid three months after the girl
+had left to be married.</p>
+
+<p>"And how do you like being married?" the lady inquired.</p>
+
+<p>The bride replied with happy enthusiasm:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, it's fine, ma'am&mdash;getting married is! Yes'm, it's fine! but, land's
+sake, ma'am," she added suddenly, "ain't it tedious!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The negro, after obtaining a marriage license, returned a week later to
+the bureau, and asked to have another name substituted for that of the
+lady.</p>
+
+<p>"I done changed mah mind," he announced. The clerk remarked that the
+change would cost him another dollar and a half for a new license.</p>
+
+<p>"Is that the law?" the colored man demanded in distress. The clerk
+nodded, and the applicant thought hard for a full minute:</p>
+
+<p>"Gee!" he said at last. "Never mind, boss, this ole one will do. There
+ain't a dollar and a half difference in them niggers no how."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The New England widower was speaking to a friend confidentially a week
+after the burial of his deceased helpmate.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm feelin' right pert," he admitted; "pearter'n I've felt afore in
+years. You see, she was a good wife. She was a good-lookin' woman, an'
+smart as they make 'em, an' a fine housekeeper, an' she always done her
+duty by me an' the children, an' she warn't sickly, an' I never hearn a
+cross word out o' her in all the thutty year<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span> we lived together. But
+dang it all! Somehow, I never did like Maria.... Yes, I'm feelin' pretty
+peart."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>There were elaborate preparations in colored society for a certain
+wedding. The prospective bride had been maid to a lady who met the girl
+on the street a week after the time set for the ceremony and inquired
+concerning it:</p>
+
+<p>"Did you have a big wedding, Martha?"</p>
+
+<p>"'Deed ah did, missus, 'deed ah did, de most splendiferous occasion ob
+de season."</p>
+
+<p>"Did you receive handsome presents?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes'm, yes'm, de hull house was jes' crowded wiv de gifts."</p>
+
+<p>"And was your house nicely decorated?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes'm, yes'm. An' everybody done wear der very best, look jes' lak a
+white-folks' weddin', yes'm."</p>
+
+<p>"And yourself, Martha, how did you look?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah was sutinly some scrumptious, yes'm. Ah done wore mah white bridal
+dress an' orange blossoms, yes'm. Ah was some kid."</p>
+
+<p>"And the bridegroom, how did he appear?"</p>
+
+<p>"De bridegroom? Aw, dat triflin', low-down houn' dawg, he didn't show up
+at all, but we had a magnificious occasion wivout him, jes' de same!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MERIT</h3>
+
+<p>Mrs. Rafferty stopped to address Mrs. Flannagan, who was standing at
+ease in the door of the tenement. She spoke with an air of fine pride:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p><p>"I'm afther havin' a letter from me boy. He tells me that fer
+meritorious condooct, his sintince will be reduced six months."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Flannagan beamed appreciatively on hearing the glad tidings.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, now, an' what a comfort it must be t' yez, havin' a son what does
+ye such credit."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MILITARY DISCIPLINE</h3>
+
+<p>The raw recruit was on sentry duty. He had a piece of pie, which he had
+brought from the canteen, and proceeded to enjoy it. Just then, the
+colonel happened along, and scowled at the sentry, who paid no attention
+to him whatever.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you know who I am?" the officer demanded.</p>
+
+<p>The sentry shook his head. "Mebby, the veterinarian, or the barber, or
+mebby the colonel himself." The sentry laughed loudly at his own wit.
+But he wiltered as the officer sternly declared his identity.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh good land!" the recruit cried out in consternation. "Please, hold
+this pie while I present arms."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MISCELLANY</h3>
+
+<p>It is related concerning a sofa, belonging to a man blessed (?) with
+seven daughters, all unmarried, which was sent to the upholsterer to be
+repaired, that, when taken apart, the following articles were
+discovered:</p>
+
+<p>Forty-seven hairpins, three mustache combs, nineteen suspender buttons,
+thirteen needles, eight cigarettes, four photographs, two hundred and
+seventeen pins, some<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span> grains of coffee, a number of cloves, twenty-seven
+cuff-buttons, six pocket-knives, fifteen poker-chips, a vial of
+homeopathic medicine for the nerves, thirty-four lumps of chewing-gum,
+fifty-nine toothpicks, twenty-eight matches, fourteen button-hooks, two
+switches, a transformation and two plates of false teeth, which
+apparently had bitten each other.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MISTAKEN IDENTITY</h3>
+
+<p>The raw Irishman was told by the farmer for whom he worked that the
+pumpkins in the corn patch were mule's eggs, which only needed someone
+to sit on them to hatch. Pat was ambitious to own a mule, and, selecting
+a large pumpkin, he sat on it industriously every moment he could steal
+from his work. Came a day when he grew impatient, and determined to
+hasten the hatching. He stamped on the pumpkin. As it broke open, a
+startled rabbit broke from its cover in an adjacent corn shock and
+scurried across the field. Pat chased it, shouting:</p>
+
+<p>"Hi, thar! Stop! don't yez know your own father?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The meek-looking gentleman arose hastily and offered his seat in the car
+to the self-assertive woman who had entered and glared at him. She gave
+him no thanks as she seated herself, but she spoke in a heavy voice that
+filled the whole car:</p>
+
+<p>"What are you standing up there for? Come here, and sit on my lap."</p>
+
+<p>The modest man turned scarlet as he huskily faltered:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></p><p>"I fear, madam, that I am not worthy of such an honor."</p>
+
+<p>"How dare you!" the woman boomed. "You know perfectly well I was
+speaking to my niece behind you."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The little man was perfectly harmless, but the lady sitting next to him
+in the car was a spinster, and suspicious of all males. So, since they
+were somewhat crowded on the seat, she pushed the umbrella between her
+knee and his and held it firmly as a barrier. A shower came up, and the
+woman when she left the car, put up the umbrella. As she did so, she
+perceived that the little man had followed her. She had guessed that he
+was a masher, now she knew it. She walked quickly down the side street,
+and the man pursued through the driving rain. She ran up the steps of
+her home, and rang the bell. When she heard the servant coming to the
+door, feeling herself safe at last, she faced about and addressed her
+pursuer angrily:</p>
+
+<p>"How dare you follow me! How dare you! What do you want, anyhow?"</p>
+
+<p>The drenched little man at the foot of the steps spoke pleadingly:</p>
+
+<p>"If you please, ma'am, I want my umbrella."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The traveling salesman instructed the porter that he must leave the
+train at Cleveland, where he was due at three o'clock in the morning. He
+explained that violence might be necessary because he did not wake
+easily. He emphasized his instructions with a generous tip.</p>
+
+<p>The drummer awoke at six in the morning, with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span> Cleveland far behind. In
+a rage, he sought the porter. The colored man was in a highly disheveled
+state and his face was bruised badly. His eyes popped at sight of the
+furious traveling man, who allowed no opportunity for explanations or
+excuses. He did all the talking, and did it forcibly. When at last the
+outraged salesman went away, the porter shook his head dismally, and
+muttered:</p>
+
+<p>"Now, Ah shohly wonder who-all Ah done put off at Cleveland."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The assistant minister announced to the congregation that a special
+baptismal service would be held the following Sunday at three o'clock in
+the afternoon, and that any infants to receive the rite should be
+brought to the church at that time.</p>
+
+<p>The old clergyman, who was deaf, thought that his assistant was speaking
+of the new hymnals, and he added a bit of information:</p>
+
+<p>"Anyone not already provided can obtain them in the vestry for a dollar,
+or with red backs and speckled edges for one dollar and a half."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The child went with her mother on a visit in New Jersey. At bedtime, the
+little girl was nervous over the strangeness of her surroundings, but
+the mother comforted her, saying:</p>
+
+<p>"Remember, dear, God's angels are all about you."</p>
+
+<p>A little later, a cry from the child called the mother back into the
+room.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p><p>"The angels are buzzing all around just dreadful, mama, and they bite!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The new clergyman was coming to call, and the mother gave Emma some
+instructions:</p>
+
+<p>"If he asks your name, say Emma Jane; if he asks how old you are, say
+you are eight years old; if he asks who made you, say God made me."</p>
+
+<p>It is a fact that the clergyman did ask just those three questions in
+that order, to the first two of which Emma replied correctly. But it is
+also a fact that when the minister propounded the third query, as to her
+origin, the child hesitated, and then said:</p>
+
+<p>"Mama did tell me the man's name, but I've gone and forgotten it."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The editor of a country newspaper betook himself to a party at the house
+of a neighbor, where, only a few weeks earlier, a baby had been added to
+the family. On the editor's arrival at the house, he was met at the door
+by his hostess, a woman who suffered to some extent from deafness. After
+the usual exchange of greetings, the editor inquired concerning the
+health of the baby. The hostess had a severe cold, and she now
+misunderstood the visitor's inquiry concerning the baby, thinking that
+he was solicitous on her account. So she explained to the aghast editor
+who had asked about the baby that, although she usually had one every
+winter, this was the very worst one she had ever had, it kept her awake
+at night a great deal, and at first confined her to her bed. Having
+explained thus far, the good lady noticed the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span> flabbergasted air of her
+guest. She continued sympathetically; saying that she could tell by his
+looks and the way he acted that he was going to have one just like hers.
+Then she insisted that, as a precautionary measure for the sake of his
+condition, he should come in out of the draft and sit down and stay
+quiet.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MISMATED</h3>
+
+<p>A Texas lad, lacking a team of horses or oxen or mules for his
+ploughing, engaged his sister to direct the plough, while he yoked
+himself to a steer for the pulling. The steer promptly ran away, and the
+lad had no choice but to run too. They came shortly into the village and
+went tearing down the street. And as he raced wildly, the young man
+shouted:</p>
+
+<p>"Here we come&mdash;darn our fool souls! Somebody head us off!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MIXED METAPHORS</h3>
+
+<p>A babu, or native clerk, in India, who prided himself on his mastery of
+the English tongue and skill in its idioms, sent the following telegram
+in announcement of his mother's death:</p>
+
+<p>"Regret to announce that hand which rocked the cradle has kicked the
+bucket."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MODESTY</h3>
+
+<p>A British journalist, in an article on Sir Henry Irving for a London
+weekly wrote:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p><p>"I was his guest regularly at all Lyceum first nights for a whole
+quarter of a century.... He delighted in the company of third-rate
+people."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MONEY TALKS</h3>
+
+<p>The disreputable-looking panhandler picked out an elderly gentleman of
+most benevolent aspect and made a plea for a small financial
+contribution. When he had finished his narrative of misery and woe the
+elderly gentleman replied benignantly:</p>
+
+<p>"My good friend, I have no money, but I can give you some good advice."</p>
+
+<p>The tramp spat contemptuously, and uttered an oath of disgust.</p>
+
+<p>"If you hain't got no money," he jeered, "I reckon your advice ain't
+worth hearin'."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MONEY VALUE</h3>
+
+<p>A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett Hale with other
+guests at a dinner. The host was not only hospitable, but wished every
+one to know his liberality. During the meal, he extolled the various
+viands, and did not hesitate to give their value in dollars and cents.
+In speaking of some very beautiful grapes served, which had been grown
+on his estate, he wearied the company by a careful calculation as to
+just how much a stem of them had cost him. Doctor Hale grinned
+pleasantly as he extended his empty plate, with the request:</p>
+
+<p>"I'll thank you to cut me off about $1.87 worth more, please."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MONOGAMY</h3>
+
+<p>The wives of the savage chief questioned the wife of the missionary:</p>
+
+<p>"And you never let your husband beat you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly not," the Christian lady replied. "Why, he wouldn't dare to
+try such a thing!"</p>
+
+<p>The oldest wife nodded understandingly.</p>
+
+<p>"It is plain enough why the foreign devil has only one wife."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MONOTONY</h3>
+
+<p>The son of the house addressed his mother wistfully.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm going to have a little sister some day, ain't I?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, dear, do you want one?"</p>
+
+<p>The child nodded seriously.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, mama, I do. It gets kin' o' tiresome teasin' the cat."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MORALITY</h3>
+
+<p>The more-or-less-religious woman was deeply shocked when the new
+neighbors sent over on Sunday morning to borrow her lawn-mower.</p>
+
+<p>"The very idea," she exclaimed to her maid, "of cutting grass on the
+Sabbath! Shameful! Certainly, they can't have it. Tell them we haven't
+any lawn-mower."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MOSQUITOES</h3>
+
+<p>The visitor from another state talked so much concerning the size and
+fierceness of New Jersey mosquitoes that his host became somewhat
+peeved.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span></p><p>"Funny!" the guest remarked. "You haven't your porch screened."</p>
+
+<p>"No," the host snapped; "we're using mouse-traps."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A visitor in the South complained bitterly concerning the plague of
+mosquitoes. An aged negro who listened respectfully explained a method
+by which the pests might be endured. But this was in the days before
+prohibition.</p>
+
+<p>"My old Marse George, suh, he done managed them animiles sholy
+splendiferous. Always when he come home nights, he so completely
+intoxicated he don't care a cuss foh all the skeeters in the hull
+creation. In the mawnin, when Marse George done git up, the skeeters so
+completely intoxicated they don't care a cuss foh Marse George, ner
+nobody!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MOTTO</h3>
+
+<p>Two men walking along Avenue A in New York City observed a dingy saloon,
+in the window of which was a framed sign, reading:</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Ici on parle fran&ccedil;ais</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't believe anybody talks French in that dump," one of the
+observers remarked.</p>
+
+<p>To settle the matter, they entered, and ordered ginger ale of a
+red-headed barkeeper who was unmistakably Irish.</p>
+
+<p>One of the men addressed the barkeeper:</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Fait beau temps, monsieur</i>."</p>
+
+<p>The barkeeper scowled.</p>
+
+<p>"Come agin!" he demanded.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span></p><p>It was soon demonstrated that French was a language unknown to the
+establishment.</p>
+
+<p>The visitor then inquired as to the reason for the sign in the window,
+explaining that it meant, "French is spoken here."</p>
+
+<p>The Irish barkeeper cursed heartily.</p>
+
+<p>"I bought it off a sheeny," he explained, "for six bits. He tould me it
+was Latin for, 'God Bless Our Home.'"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MUSIC</h3>
+
+<p>Artemas Ward said:</p>
+
+<p>"When I am sad, I sing, and then others are sad with me."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The optimistic pessimist explained why he always dined in restaurants
+where music was provided.</p>
+
+<p>"Because it works two ways: sometimes the music helps to make me forget
+the food, and sometimes the food helps to make me forget the music."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The young man, who was interested in natural history, was sitting on the
+porch one June evening with his best girl, who was interested in music.
+The rhythmic shrilling of the insects pulsed on the air, and from the
+village church down the street came the sounds of choir practise. The
+young man gave his attention to the former, the girl to the latter; and
+presently she spoke eagerly:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, don't it sound grand!"</p>
+
+<p>The young man nodded, and answered:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p><p>"Yes, indeed! and it's interesting to think that they do it all with
+their hind legs."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The boy violinist, played at a private musical, rendering a difficult
+concerto, which contained some particularly long rests for the soloist:
+During one of these intervals, a kindly dowager leaned toward the
+performer, and whispered loudly:</p>
+
+<p>"Why don't you play something that you know, my boy?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The apoplectic and grumpy old gentleman in the crowded restaurant was
+compelled to sit, much against his will, next to the orchestra. His
+stare at the leader as the jazz selection came to an end. The annoyed
+patron snorted, and then asked:</p>
+
+<p>"Would you be so kind as to play something by request?"</p>
+
+<p>The leader bowed again and beamed.</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly," he replied; "anything you like, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Then," snapped the patron, "please be good enough to play a game of
+checkers while I finish my meal."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NEATNESS</h3>
+
+<p>The Japanese are remarkably tidy in the matter of floors. They even
+remove their shoes at the doorway. A Japanese student in New York was
+continually distressed by the dirty hallways of the building in which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span>
+he lived. In the autumn, the janitor placed a notice at the entrance,
+which read:</p>
+
+<p>"Please wipe your feet."</p>
+
+<p>The Japanese wrote beneath in pencil:</p>
+
+<p>"On going out."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NEIGHBORS</h3>
+
+<p>It was a late hour when the hostess at the reception requested the
+eminent basso to sing.</p>
+
+<p>"It is too late, madam," he protested. "I should disturb your
+neighbors."</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all," declared the lady, beaming. "Besides, they poisoned our
+dog last week."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NERVES</h3>
+
+<p>The older sister rebuked the younger when putting her to bed for being
+cross and ill tempered throughout the day. After she had been neatly
+tucked in, the little one commented:</p>
+
+<p>"It's temper when it's me an' nerves when it's you."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NIGHTMARE</h3>
+
+<p>"And you say you have the same nightmare every night," the doctor
+inquired. "What is it?"</p>
+
+<p>The suffering man answered:</p>
+
+<p>"I dream that I'm married."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, hum!" the physician grunted perfunctorily. "To whom?"</p>
+
+<p>"To my wife," the patient explained. "That's what makes it a
+nightmare."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p><p>The inn-keeper was inclined to take advantage of a particular guest who
+did not scrutinize the bills rendered. When the clerk mentioned the fact
+that this guest had complained of a nightmare, the host brightened, and
+marked down an item of ten dollars charge for livery.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NOMENCLATURE</h3>
+
+<p>The young son of a mountaineer family in North Carolina had visited for
+the first time in the town twelve miles from home, and had eaten his
+mid-day meal there. Questioned on his return as to the repast, he
+described it with enthusiasm, except in one particular:</p>
+
+<p>"They done had something they called gravee. But hit looked like sop,
+an' hit tasted like sop, an' I believe in my soul 'twar sop!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>When his daughter returned from the girls' college, the farmer regarded
+her critically, and then demanded:</p>
+
+<p>"Ain't you a lot fatter than you was?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, dad," the girl admitted. "I weigh one hundred and forty pounds
+stripped for 'gym.'"</p>
+
+<p>The father stared for a moment in horrified amazement, then shouted:</p>
+
+<p>"Who in thunder is Jim?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>On an occasion when a distinguished critic was to deliver a lecture on
+the poet Keats in a small town, the president of the local literary
+society was prevented by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span> illness from introducing the speaker, and the
+mayor, who was more popular than learned, was asked to officiate. The
+amiable gentleman introduced the stranger with his accustomed eloquence,
+and concluded a few happy remarks of a general character with this
+observation:</p>
+
+<p>"And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what I personally have
+often wondered&mdash;what are Keats!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>During the scarcity of labor, a new clerk, who knew nothing of the
+business, was taken on by a furniture house. His mistakes were so bad
+that the proprietor was compelled to watch him closely, and to fire him
+after the following episode.</p>
+
+<p>A lady customer asked to see some chiffoniers. The clerk led her to the
+display of bassinettes, which was an unfortunate error since the lady
+was an old maid. She accepted his apology, however, and then remarked:</p>
+
+<p>"Where are your sideboards?"</p>
+
+<p>The clerk blushed furiously, as he replied:</p>
+
+<p>"Why&mdash;er&mdash;I shaved them off last week."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The lady who had some culture, but not too much, was describing the
+adventure of her husband, who had been in Messina at the time of the
+earthquake.</p>
+
+<p>"It was awful," she declared, in tense tones. "When Jim went to bed,
+everything was perfectly quiet. And then, when he woke up, all of a
+sudden, there beside him was a yawning abbess!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>One of the two girls in the subway was glancing at a newspaper.</p>
+
+<p>"I see," she remarked presently to her companion, "that Mr. So and so,
+the octogenarian, is dead. Now, what on earth is an octogenarian
+anyhow?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'm sure I haven't the faintest idea," the other girl replied. "But
+they're an awful sickly lot. You never hear of one but he's dying."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A story is told of an office-seeker in Washington who asserted to an
+inquirer that he had never heard of Mark Twain.</p>
+
+<p>"What? Never heard of <i>Tom Sawyer</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"Nope, never heard of him."</p>
+
+<p>"Nor <i>Huck Finn</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"Nope, never heard of him neither."</p>
+
+<p>"Nor <i>Puddin'head Wilson</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Lord, yes!" the office-seeker exclaimed. "Why, I voted for him."</p>
+
+<p>And then he added sadly:</p>
+
+<p>"An' that's all the good it done me."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The aged caretaker of the Episcopal church confided to a crony that he
+was uncertain as to just what he was:</p>
+
+<p>"I used to be the janitor, years ago. Then we had a parson who named me
+the sextant. And Doctor Smith, he called me a virgin. And our young man,
+he says I'm the sacrilege."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">OBSTINACY</h3>
+
+<p>The old mountaineer and his wife arrived at a railway station, and for
+the first time in their lives beheld a train of cars, which was standing
+there. The husband looked the engine over very carefully, and shook his
+head.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, what do you think of it, father?" asked the old lady.</p>
+
+<p>"She'll never start," was the firm answer: "she'll never start."</p>
+
+<p>The conductor waved, the bell rang, the locomotive puffed, the train
+moved slowly at first, then faster. It was disappearing in the distance
+when the wife inquired slyly:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, pa, what do you think of it now?"</p>
+
+<p>The old man shook his head more violently than before.</p>
+
+<p>"She'll never stop," he asserted; "she'll never stop!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">OMEN</h3>
+
+<p>The great pugilist was superstitious and fond of lobster. When the
+waiter served one with a claw missing, he protested. The waiter
+explained that this lobster had been worsted in a fight with another in
+the kitchen. The great pugilist pushed back his plate.</p>
+
+<p>"Carry him off," he commanded, "and bring me the winner."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">OPTICAL ILLUSION</h3>
+
+<p>The sergeant rebuked the private angrily:</p>
+
+<p>"Jenkins, why haven't you shaved this morning?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, ain't I shaved?" the private exclaimed, apparently greatly
+surprised.</p>
+
+<p>"No, you ain't," the sergeant snapped. "And I want to know the reason
+why."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, now, I guess it must be this way," Jenkins suggested. "There was
+a dozen of us usin' the same bit of lookin' glass, an' I swan I must
+have shaved somebody else."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">OPTIMISM</h3>
+
+<p>The day laborer was of a cheerful disposition that naturally inclined to
+seek out the good in every situation. He was a genuine optimist. Thus,
+after tramping the three miles from home to begin the day's work on the
+ditch, he discovered that he had been careless, and explained to a
+fellow laborer:</p>
+
+<p>"I've gone and done it now! I left my lunch at home."</p>
+
+<p>Then, suddenly he beamed happily, as he added:</p>
+
+<p>"And it's a good thing I did, for the matter of that, because I left my
+teeth at home, too."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The optimist fell from the top story of a skyscraper. As he passed the
+fourth story, he was overheard muttering:</p>
+
+<p>"So far, so good!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ORIENTATION</h3>
+
+<p>John B. Gough was fond of telling of a laird and his servant Sandy. The
+two were on their way home on horseback late at night, and both were
+much muddled by drink. At a ford where the bank was steep, the laird
+fell head first into the creek. He scrambled up, and shouted to his
+servant:</p>
+
+<p>"Hold on, Sandy! Something fell off&mdash;I heard it splash!"</p>
+
+<p>Sandy climbed down from the saddle, and waded about blindly in the
+shallow water, with groping hands. At last, he seized on the laird.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, it's yerself, mon, as fell oof!"</p>
+
+<p>"No, Sandy," the master declared stoutly. "It can't be me&mdash;here I am."
+Then he, added: "But if it is me, get me back on the horse."</p>
+
+<p>Sandy helped the laird to the horse, and boosted him up astride. In the
+dark, the rider was faced the wrong way to.</p>
+
+<p>"Gie me the reins," the master ordered.</p>
+
+<p>Sandy felt about the horse's rump, and, then cried out, clutching the
+tail:</p>
+
+<p>"It waur the horse's head as fell off&mdash;nothin' left but the mane!"</p>
+
+<p>"Gie me the mane, then," the laird directed stolidly. "I must een hae
+something to hold on."</p>
+
+<p>So, presently, when he had the tail firmly grasped in both hands, and
+Sandy had mounted, the procession began to move. Whereat, the laird
+shouted in dismay:</p>
+
+<p>"Haud on, Sandy! It's gaein' the wrang way!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">OUTWORN</h3>
+
+<p>Tiny Clara heard her mother say that a neighboring lady had a new baby.
+The tot puzzled over the matter, and at last sought additional
+information:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, mumsy, what is she going to do with her old one?"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PARADOX</h3>
+
+<p>The amiable old lady was overheard talking to herself as she left the
+church along with the crowd that had attended the services:</p>
+
+<p>"If everybody else would only do as I do, and stay quietly in their
+seats till everyone else has gone out, there would not be such a crush
+at the doors."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Two friends from Ireland on a tour occupied the same bedchamber in a
+country inn. During the night a fearful storm raged. John spoke of it in
+the morning while the two men were dressing.</p>
+
+<p>"Did it rain?" Dennis asked in surprise.</p>
+
+<p>"Rain!" John exclaimed. "It was a deluge, and the lightnin' was blindin'
+and the thunder was deafenin'. Sure, I never heard the like."</p>
+
+<p>"For the love of Hivvin!" Dennis cried out. "Why didn't yez waken me?
+Didn't yez know I never can slape whin it thunders!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PASTORAL</h3>
+
+<p>Burdette quotes as follows a year's statistics of parochial work, as
+compiled by a young curate:</p>
+
+<p>"Preached 104 sermons, 18 mortuary discourses, solemnized 21 hymeneal
+ceremonies, delivered 17 lectures,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> of which 16 were on secular and all
+the rest on religious subjects; made 39 addresses, of which all but 27
+were on matters most nearly touching the vital religious concerns of the
+church, read aloud in church 156 chapters of the Bible, 149 of which
+were very long ones; made pastoral calls, 312; took tea on such
+occasions, 312 times; distributed 804 tracts; visited the sick several
+times; sat on the platform at temperance and other public meetings 47
+times; had the headache Sabbath mornings, and so was compelled to appear
+in a condition of physical pain, nervous prostration and bodily distress
+that utterly unfitted him for public preaching, 104 times; picnics
+attended, 10; dinners, 37; suffered from attacks of malignant dyspepsia,
+37 times; read 748 hymns; instructed the choir in regard to the
+selection of tunes, 1 time; had severe cold, 104 times; sore throat, 104
+times; malaria, 104 times; wrote 3120 pages of sermons; declined
+invitations to tea, 1 time; started the tune in prayer meeting, 2 times;
+started the wrong tune, 2 times; sung hymns that nobody else knew, 2
+times; received into church membership, 3; dismissed by letter, 49;
+expelled, 16; lost, strayed, or stolen, 137."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PATRIOTISM</h3>
+
+<p>The Scotchman returned to his native town, Peebles, after a first visit
+to London. He told the neighbors enthusiastically of his many wonderful
+experiences in the metropolis. There was, however, no weakening in his
+local loyalty, for at the end he cried out proudly:</p>
+
+<p>"But, for real pleasure, gi'e me Peebles!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>There is no doubting the strong patriotism of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span> schoolboy who is the
+hero of this tale, although he may have been weak on history. During an
+examination in general history, he was asked:</p>
+
+<p>"Who was the first man?"</p>
+
+<p>He answered proudly, even enthusiastically, without any hesitation:</p>
+
+<p>"George Washington, first in war, first in peace, first in the
+hearts&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>But the teacher interrupted ruthlessly:</p>
+
+<p>"Wrong! Adam was the first man."</p>
+
+<p>The boy sniffed disgustedly.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh!" he retorted. "I didn't know you were talking about foreigners."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The troops had been marching through a sea of mud for hours, when at
+last they were lined up for inspection before a general. In the
+evolution, a young cavalryman who had enlisted was thrown from his horse
+into the muck, from which he emerged in a dreadful state, though
+uninjured except in his feelings. The general himself, who had witnessed
+the incident, rode up, and preserving his gravity with some effort
+inquired of the trooper if he had suffered any hurt from the fall.</p>
+
+<p>"Naw," was the disgusted reply. "But if I ever love a country agin, you
+can kick <i>me</i>!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PEACE</h3>
+
+<p>The mourning widow caused a tender sentiment to be chiseled on the
+headstone of her husband's grave. The exact wording was as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Thou are at rest, until we meet again."</p>
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p><p>PEACEMAKER</p>
+
+<p>The father was telling at the table of a row between two men in which he
+had interfered. One had swung a shovel aloft, shouting, "I'll knock your
+brains out!"</p>
+
+<p>"It was at this moment," the head of the family explained, "that I
+stepped in between them."</p>
+
+<p>Little Johnnie had been listening, round-eyed with excitement. Now, he
+burst forth:</p>
+
+<p>"I guess he couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, pa?"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PENSION</h3>
+
+<p>The usual details in administration of the pension laws are not amusing,
+but occasionally even here a bit of humor creeps in to relieve the
+tedium. Thus, John Smith, claimant under Invalid Original No.
+98,325,423, based his application for succor upon an "injury to leg due
+to the kick of a vicious horse" in the service and line of duty, etc.</p>
+
+<p>This was formally insufficient, and the bureau advised to claimant to
+this effect, directing him to state: "which leg was injured by the
+alleged kick of a vicious horse."</p>
+
+<p>The reply came promptly:</p>
+
+<p>"My leg!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PESSIMISM</h3>
+
+<p>The energetic New England woman addressed her hired girl in a
+discouraged tone:</p>
+
+<p>"Here it is Monday morning and to-morrow will be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> Tuesday, and the next
+day Wednesday&mdash;the whole week half gone, and nothing done yit!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The old man shook his head dolefully in response to an inquiry
+concerning his health.</p>
+
+<p>"It isn't what it ought to be," he declared. "I find my strength is
+failing. It used to be I could walk around the block every morning. But
+now lately, somehow, when I'm only half way round, I feel so tired I
+have to turn and come back."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The visitor remarked affably to the man of the house:</p>
+
+<p>"Your family is wonderfully talented. One son plays the cornet, two
+daughters play the piano and the guitar, and your wife plays the banjo,
+and the other children play ukuleles. As the father of such musical
+geniuses, you must be something yourself, aren't you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," was the answer, "I am a pessimist."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PHILANTHROPY</h3>
+
+<p>"I hear that Mrs. Brewster hasn't paid her servants any wages for a
+number of months," remarked one lady to another in a suburban town.</p>
+
+<p>"Why does she keep such a number of them then?" was the pertinent
+inquiry.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Mrs. Brewster tells everyone she regards it as her solemn duty to
+employ as many as possible when times are so hard."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PHONETICS</h3>
+
+<p>Little Willie questioned his grandmother with an appearance of great
+seriousness:</p>
+
+<p>"Ain't Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't say 'ain't', Willie," the old lady corrected. "Yes, Rotterdam is
+the name of a city. Why?"</p>
+
+<p>"It ain't swearin' to say it, is it Gramma?"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't say 'ain't', Willie. No, it isn't swearing to say Rotterdam.
+Why?"</p>
+
+<p>"Cause if sister keeps on eatin' so much candy, she'll Rotterdam head
+off."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PHYSIOLOGY</h3>
+
+<p>The teacher explained to her young pupils some facts concerning various
+organs of the body, including the eye as the organ of sight, the ear as
+the organ of hearing, and the like. Then she asked the pupils to repeat
+to her what they had learned. There was a short silence, which was
+broken by a bright little boy, who spoke as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"I see with my eye organ, I hear with my ear organ, I smell with my nose
+organ, I eat with my mouth organ, and I feel with my hand organ."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PLAIN SPEAKING</h3>
+
+<p>The new maid was talkative, and related some of her experiences in
+service.</p>
+
+<p>"You seem to have had a good many situations," was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span> the lady's comment
+as the girl paused. "How many different mistresses have you had, all
+told?"</p>
+
+<p>"Fifteen, all told," the maid declared promptly; "yes mum, all told
+eggzactly what I thought of them."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PLAYING POSSUM</h3>
+
+<p>"No, suh," the ancient negro asserted, with a melancholy shaking of his
+bald head, "dar hain't no trustin' a 'possum. Once on a time, suh, I
+done watched de hole of a 'possum all night long. An' at las', suh, de
+'possum done come out of his hole. An' what yoh t'ink de ole scallywog
+done did? Well, suh, he done come out, an' when he done come out, he was
+a polecat!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PLUMBER</h3>
+
+<p>The plumber at many dollars a day could afford a little persiflage with
+the cook in the kitchen where he was theoretically repairing the sink.
+The cook was plain-featured, but any diversion was welcome to speed the
+hours for which he drew pay. He made a strong impression on the cook,
+and when he took his departure, she simpered, and said coyly:</p>
+
+<p>"Thursday is my evenin' off, an' we might go to the movies."</p>
+
+<p>The plumber snorted indignantly.</p>
+
+<p>"What!" he demanded. "On me own time?"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">POETRY</h3>
+
+<p>The evil effects of decadent verse is unintentionally<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span> told in the
+following extract from a Hindu's letter to the authorities requesting
+aid in behalf of his invalid father, who leads sickly life, and is going
+from bad to perhaps, but not too well; for an extract from the petition
+calls on the government "to look after my old faher, who leads sickly
+life, and is going from bad to verse every day."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">POINT OF VIEW</h3>
+
+<p>A couple from Boston spent a winter in Augusta, Georgia. During the
+period of their visit, they became fond of an old colored woman, and
+even invited her to visit their home at their expense. In due time after
+their return to Boston, the visitor was entertained. Every courtesy was
+extended to the old colored woman, and she even had her meals with the
+host and hostess. One day at dinner, the host remarked, with a certain
+smug satisfaction in his own democratic hospitality:</p>
+
+<p>"I imagine that, during all the time you were a slave, your master never
+invited you to eat at his table."</p>
+
+<p>"No, suh, dat he didn't," replied the old darky. "My master was a
+genl'man. He never let no nigger set at table 'long side o' him."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The kindly old lady chanced to be present at the feeding of the lions in
+the zoo. Presently, she remarked to the keeper:</p>
+
+<p>"Isn't that a very small piece of meat to give to the lions?"</p>
+
+<p>The man answered very respectfully, but firmly:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p><p>"It may seem like a very small piece of meat to you, mum, but it seems
+like a big piece of meat to the lions, mum."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">POKER</h3>
+
+<p>Tommy Atkins and a doughboy sat in a poker game together somewhere in
+France. The Britisher held a full house, the American four of a kind.</p>
+
+<p>"I raise you two pounds," quoth Tommy.</p>
+
+<p>The Yankee did not hesitate.</p>
+
+<p>"I ain't exactly onto your currency curves, but I'll bump it up four
+tons."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">POLITENESS</h3>
+
+<p>The little girl in the car was a pest. She crossed the aisle to devote
+herself to a dignified fat man, to his great annoyance. She asked
+innumerable questions, and, incidentally, counted aloud his vest buttons
+to learn whether he was rich man, poor man, beggar man or thief. The
+mother regarded the child's efforts as highly entertaining. The fat man
+leaned forward and addressed the lady very courteously:</p>
+
+<p>"Madam, what do you call this dear little child?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ethel," the beaming mother replied.</p>
+
+<p>"Please call her then," the fat man requested.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Johnny, who was to be the guest at a neighbor's for the noonday meal,
+was carefully admonished by his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span> mother to remember his manners, and to
+speak in complimentary terms of the food served him. He heeded the
+instruction, and did the best he could under stress of embarrassment.</p>
+
+<p>After he had tasted the soup, he remarked as boldly as he could
+contrive:</p>
+
+<p>"This is pretty good soup&mdash;what there is of it."</p>
+
+<p>He was greatly disconcerted to observe that his remark caused a frown on
+the face of his hostess. He hastened to speak again in an effort to
+correct any bad impression from his previous speech:</p>
+
+<p>"And there's plenty of it&mdash;such as it is."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>On Johnnie's return from the birthday party, his mother expressed the
+hope that he had behaved politely at the luncheon table, and properly
+said, "Yes, if you please" and "No, thank you," when anything was
+offered him.</p>
+
+<p>Johnnie shook his head seriously.</p>
+
+<p>"I guess I didn't say, 'No, thank you.' I ate everything there was."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The teacher used as an illustration of bad grammar, for correction by
+the class, the following sentence:</p>
+
+<p>"The horse and cow is in the pasture."</p>
+
+<p>A manly little fellow raised his hand, and at the teacher's nod said:</p>
+
+<p>"Please, sir, ladies should come first."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The man sitting in the street car addressed the woman standing before
+him:</p>
+
+<p>"You must excuse my not giving you my seat&mdash;I'm a member of the Sit
+Still Club."</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly, sir," the woman replied. "And please excuse my staring&mdash;I
+belong to the Stand and Stare Club."</p>
+
+<p>She proved it so well that the man at last sheepishly got to his feet.</p>
+
+<p>"I guess, ma'am," he mumbled, "I'll resign from my club and join yours."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">POLITICS</h3>
+
+<p>The little boy interrupted his father's reading of the paper with a
+petition.</p>
+
+<p>"Please, Daddy, tell me the story about the Forty Thieves."</p>
+
+<p>The father, aroused from his absorption in political news and comment on
+the campaign, regarded his son thoughtfully for a moment, and then shook
+his head.</p>
+
+<p>"No," he answered decisively, "you must wait until you're a little
+older, my son. You're too young to understand politics."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">POPULATION</h3>
+
+<p>Someone asked a darky from Richmond who was visiting in the North as to
+the population of the city.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah don't edzakly know, suh," was the reply, "but I opine 'bout a
+hundred an' twenty-five thousan', countin' de whites."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">POSTAL</h3>
+
+<p>It is human nature to take an interest in the affairs of others. The
+fact has been amply demonstrated by innumerable postmasters and
+postmistresses who have profited from their contact with the
+communities' correspondence. That the postman, too, is likely to be well
+informed is shown in a quotation by <i>Punch</i> of a local letter-carrier's
+apology to a lady on his round:</p>
+
+<p>"I'm sorry, Ma'am, I seem to have lost your postcard; but it only said
+Muriel thanked you for the parcel and so did John, and they were both
+very well, and the children are happy, and she'll give your message to
+Margery. That'll be your other daughter, I'm thinkin'?"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PRAISE</h3>
+
+<p>One negro workman was overheard talking to another:</p>
+
+<p>"I'se yoh frien'. I jest tole the fohman, when he say dat nigger Sam
+ain't fit to feed to de dawgs, why, I done spoke right up, an' tole him
+yoh shohly is!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PRAYER</h3>
+
+<p>The Dutchman still retained a strong accent, although he had been in the
+country forty years, and was a churchwarden. When the rector complained
+that a certain parishioner had called him a perfect ass, and asked
+advice, the reply, though well intentioned, sounded ambiguous:</p>
+
+<p>"All you should do vill pe youst to bray for him, as usual."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A Scotch missionary in the Far East suffered ill fortune in his
+marriages, for two wives in succession yielded to the trying climate and
+died. The missionary had depended on the Board at home to select his
+previous mates, and he wrote for a third. When due time had elapsed, he
+journeyed to the seaport to meet the steamer by which his new mate
+should arrive. At the appointed hour, as the boat drew in, he stood on
+the dock anxiously waiting. Among the few passengers to descend the
+gangplank, it was easy for him to select the one destined for him. At
+sight of her, he shuddered slightly, and a groan burst from his lips.</p>
+
+<p>"Freckles," he muttered despairingly, "and red headed, and with
+squint&mdash;for the third time!&mdash;and after all my prayers!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Charles had attained the age of five when he attended a football game
+for the first time. It cannot be doubted that he was profoundly
+impressed by the excitement on the gridiron, for at bedtime his mother
+was horrified to hear him utter his nightly prayer thus:</p>
+
+<p>"God bless papa! God bless mama! God bless Charlie! Rah! Rah! Rah!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>At the request of his wife, the husband opened a can of peaches. When he
+finally reappeared, the wife asked demurely:</p>
+
+<p>"What did you use to open that can, Jim?"</p>
+
+<p>"Can-opener, of course," the husband grunted. "What d'ye think I opened
+it with?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></p><p>"From the language I heard, I thought perhaps you were opening it with
+prayer."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The newspaper report of the special Sunday services contained the
+following impressive description of the prayer:</p>
+
+<p>"The most eloquent prayer ever addressed to a Boston audience."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The New York Sun published the following:</p>
+
+<p>The toys had been reluctantly laid aside and in her dainty nightie the
+little girl, scarcely more than a baby, knelt at her mother's knee.</p>
+
+<p>The eyes, which all day long are alight with mischief, were reverently
+closed, and as she haltingly uttered the words of the old, yet ever
+young child's prayer her rapt face, raised occasionally from her dimpled
+hands, took on an expression almost seraphic in its innocent purity.</p>
+
+<p>With a fervent "Amen" she ended her supplication, then jumped up, eyes
+dancing, and exclaimed:</p>
+
+<p>"Now let's say 'Little Jack Horner sat in the corner.' I knows it
+better, Muvver."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A little boy was asked if he prayed when he attended church, and he
+answered that he always did. On being questioned as to the nature of his
+prayer, he explained that he always repeated it when the others in the
+congregation made their silent prayer just before the sermon, and he
+added further:</p>
+
+<p>"I just say the little prayer mother taught me&mdash;'Now I lay me down to
+sleep.'"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A prayer showing a ghastly confusion of metaphors is on record as having
+been offered extemporaneously in behalf of Queen Adelaide during the
+reign of that sovereign. The words as quoted were these:</p>
+
+<p>"O Lord, save thy servant, our Sovereign Lady, the Queen. Grant that as
+she grows an old woman, she may become a new man. Strengthen her with
+Thy blessing that she may live a pure virgin, bringing her sons and
+daughters to the glory of God. And give her grace that she may go before
+her people like a he-goat upon the mountains."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>As the boat was sinking, the skipper lifted his voice to ask:</p>
+
+<p>"Does anybody know how to pray?"</p>
+
+<p>One man spoke confidently in answer:</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, Captain, I do."</p>
+
+<p>The captain nodded.</p>
+
+<p>"That's all right then," he declared. "You go ahead and pray. The rest
+of us will put on life-belts. They're one short."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PREACHER</h3>
+
+<p>A colored deacon who was the leader in a congregation down South, wrote
+to the bishop to explain the need of a minister for the church. He
+concluded his appeal as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Send us a Bishop to preach. If you can't send us a Bishop, send us a
+Sliding Elder. If you can't send a Sliding Elder, send us a Stationary
+Preacher. If you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span> can't spare him, send us a Circus Eider. If you can't
+spare him, send us a Locust Preacher. And if you can't send a Locust
+Preacher, send us an Exhauster."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PRECAUTION</h3>
+
+<p>When the colored couple were being married by the clergyman, and the
+words, "love, honor and obey" were spoken, the bridegroom interrupted:</p>
+
+<p>"Read that again, suh! read it once moh, so's de lady kin ketch de full
+solemnity ob de meanin'. I'se been married befoh."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The lawyer for the defense, in the damage suit, asked the witness who
+had seen the plaintive struck by the automobile, how far the victim was
+thrown by the impact.</p>
+
+<p>"Fifteen feet, six and three-quarter inches," was the instant response.</p>
+
+<p>"You seem to be very exact in your figures," exclaimed the lawyer
+sarcastically. "How does that happen?"</p>
+
+<p>"I guessed some fool lawyer would ask me," the witness answered, "and I
+measured the distance."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PRECOCITY</h3>
+
+<p>The playwright rushed up to the critic at the club.</p>
+
+<p>"I've had a terrible misfortune," he announced. "My little
+three-year-old boy got at my new play, and tore it all to pieces."</p>
+
+<p>"Extraordinary that a child so young should be able to read," said the
+critic.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PREMATURENESS</h3>
+
+<p>Ikey saw his friend Jakey in the smoking-car when he entered, and sat
+down in the same seat.</p>
+
+<p>"How was that fire in your place last week, Jakey?" he inquired.</p>
+
+<p>Jakey started nervously.</p>
+
+<p>"Sh!" he whispered. "It vas next week."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PREPAREDNESS</h3>
+
+<p>The small boy was directed to soak his feet in salt water to toughen
+them. He considered the matter thoughtfully, and then remarked to
+himself:</p>
+
+<p>"It's pretty near time for me to ket a lickin', I guess I'd better sit
+in it."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The two scrub women met and chattered to this effect:</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Riley&mdash;Och, Missus O'Rafferty, I hear yez be worrukin' noight an'
+day.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. O'Rafferty&mdash;Yis, Oi'm under bonds to kape the pace for pullin' the
+hair o' that blaggard Missus Murphy; an' the Judge tould me as if Oi
+touched her again he'd foine me tin dollars.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Riley&mdash;An' yez is worrukin' so hard so's to kape outen mischief.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. O'Rafferty (hissing viciously between her teeth)&mdash;No! Oi'm savin'
+oop the foine.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The father entered the room where Clara, his daughter, was entertaining
+her young man.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span></p><p>"What is it, popper?" the young lady inquired.</p>
+
+<p>Her father held out the umbrella which he carried.</p>
+
+<p>"This is for John," he explained. "It looks as if it might rain before
+morning."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PRIDE</h3>
+
+<p>The little boy was greatly elated when informed by his mother that the
+liveliness of her hair as she combed it was caused by electricity.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, my!" he exclaimed. "Ain't we a wonderful family! Mama has
+electricity on her head, and grandma has gas on her stomach."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Pride often has no better basis in fact than the self-congratulation of
+little Raymond in the following story:</p>
+
+<p>Raymond came home from a session of the Sunday School fairly swollen
+with importance. He explained the cause to his mother.</p>
+
+<p>"The superintendent said something awful nice about me this morning in
+his prayer."</p>
+
+<p>"And what did he say, dear?" the mother inquired, concealing her
+astonishment.</p>
+
+<p>The boy quoted glibly and sincerely.</p>
+
+<p>"He said, 'O Lord, we thank thee for our food and Raymond.'"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PRECOCIOUSNESS</h3>
+
+<p>A stranger rang the door-bell. Little eight-year-old Willie Jones opened
+the door.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span></p><p>"Is Mr. Jones in?" the caller inquired.</p>
+
+<p>Little Willie answered with formal politeness:</p>
+
+<p>"I'm Mr. Jones. Or did you wish to see old Mr. Jones?"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PRISON REFORM</h3>
+
+<p>The society matron explained the necessity for immediate reform in
+conditions at the State Penitentiary:</p>
+
+<p>"Nowadays, there are such a number of our very best people who are being
+indicted and tried and convicted and sent to serve their sentences in
+the prison that we really must make their surroundings there more
+pleasant and elegant."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PRIVILEGE</h3>
+
+<p>The tenderfoot in the mining town was watching a poker game for heavy
+stakes, when he saw the dealer give himself four aces from the bottom of
+the deck. He whispered the fact in shocked surprise to a citizen beside
+him. The latter looked astonished.</p>
+
+<p>"What of it?" he drawled. "Wasn't it his deal?"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PROCRASTINATION</h3>
+
+<p>The Southern darky is usually willing enough, but painfully dilatory in
+accomplishment. The foreman of a quarry called to Zeb, the general
+utility man, and directed him to go across the road to the blacksmith
+shop and bring back a drill which had been left there for sharpening.
+Zeb shuffled out of sight, and after a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span> lapse of half an hour, shuffled
+back lazily into view. The indignant foreman called to him sharply:</p>
+
+<p>"Here, you Zeb! Where've you been all this time?"</p>
+
+<p>The darky grinned placatingly.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, boss," he explained, "I hain't been&mdash;I'se gwine!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PROFANITY</h3>
+
+<p>The longshoreman was indulging in a fit of temper, which he interpreted
+in a burst of language that shocked the lady passing by. She regarded
+him reprovingly, as she demanded:</p>
+
+<p>"My man, where did you learn such awful language?"</p>
+
+<p>"Where did I learn it?" the longshoreman repeated. "Huh! I didn't learn
+it, it's a gift."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The deacon carried a chain to the blacksmith to have a link welded. When
+he returned to the shop a few hours later, he saw the chain lying on the
+floor, and picked it up. It was just next to red hot, and the deacon
+dropped it with the ejaculation:</p>
+
+<p>"Hell!" Then he added hastily: "I like to have said."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PROFITEERS</h3>
+
+<p>The wife of the profiteer discoursed largely on the luxuries of the new
+country estate.</p>
+
+<p>"And, of course," she vouchsafed, "we have all the usual
+animals&mdash;horses, cows, sheep, pigs, hens, and so forth."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span></p><p>"Oh, hens!" the listener gushed. "Then you'll have fresh eggs."</p>
+
+<p>"Really, I'm not sure. The hens can work, if they like, but of course in
+our position, it's quite unnecessary&mdash;er, perhaps not quite suitable,
+you know."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The advertisement offered for fifty cents a recipe by which to whiten
+the hands and soften them. Girls who sent the money received the
+following directions:</p>
+
+<p>"Soak the hands three times a day in dish water while mother rests."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Are you sure this handbag is genuine crocodile skin?" the woman asked
+the shopkeeper.</p>
+
+<p>"Absolutely," was the reply. "I shot that crocodile myself."</p>
+
+<p>"But it is badly soiled."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, yes, of course. That's where it hit the ground, when it fell out
+of the tree."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Customer: "But if it costs twenty dollars to make these watches, and you
+sell them for twenty dollars, where does your profit come in?"</p>
+
+<p>Shopkeeper: "That comes from repairing them."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PROGRESS</h3>
+
+<p>The cottager was crippled by rheumatism, and the kindly clergyman taught
+him his letters, and put him through the primer and into the Bible. On
+his return after a vacation, the clergyman met the cottager's wife.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span></p><p>"How does John get along with his reading of the Bible?" he asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, bless your reverence," she replied proudly, "'e's out of the Bible
+and into the newspaper long ago."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The kindly clergyman, newly come to the parish, was at great pains to
+teach an illiterate old man, crippled with rheumatism, his letters so
+that he could read the Bible. On the clergyman's return after a short
+absence from the parish, he met the old man's wife.</p>
+
+<p>"And how is Thomas making out with reading his Bible?"</p>
+
+<p>"Bless you, sir," the wife declared proudly, "he's out of the Bible and
+into the newspaper long ago."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The physician advised his patient to eat a hearty dinner at night,
+without any worry over the ability to digest it. The patient, however,
+protested:</p>
+
+<p>"But the other time when I came to see you, you insisted I must eat only
+a very light supper in the evening."</p>
+
+<p>The physician nodded, smiling complacently.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, of course&mdash;that shows what great progress the science of medicine
+is making."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PROHIBITION</h3>
+
+<p>The objector to prohibition spoke bitterly:</p>
+
+<p>"Water has killed more folks than liquor ever did."</p>
+
+<p>"You are raving," declared the defender of the Eighteenth Amendment.
+"How do you make that out?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, to begin with, there was the Flood."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The wife complained to her husband that the chauffeur was very drunk
+indeed, and must be discharged instantly.</p>
+
+<p>"Discharged&mdash;nothing!" the husband retorted joyously. "When he's sobered
+off, I'll have him take me out and show me where he got it."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PROLIFIC</h3>
+
+<p>The woman teacher in a New York School was interested in the
+announcement by a little girl pupil that she had a new baby brother.</p>
+
+<p>"And what is the baby's name?" the teacher asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Aaron," was the answer.</p>
+
+<p>A few days later, the teacher inquired concerning Aaron, but the little
+girl regarded her in perplexity.</p>
+
+<p>"Aaron?" she repeated.</p>
+
+<p>"Your baby brother," the teacher prompted.</p>
+
+<p>Understanding dawned on the child's face.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Aaron!" she exclaimed. "That was a mistake. It's Moses. He's very
+well, ma'am, thank you. Pa an' ma, they found we had an Aaron."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PRONUNCIATION</h3>
+
+<p>The parson's daughter spoke pleasantly, but with a hint of rebuke, to
+one of her father's humble parishioners:</p>
+
+<p>"Good morning, Giles. I haven't noticed you in church for the last few
+weeks."</p>
+
+<p>"No, miss," the man answered. "I've been oop at Noocaste a-visitin' my
+old 'aunts. And strange, miss,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span> ain't it, I don't see no change in 'em
+since I was a child like?"</p>
+
+<p>The parson's daughter was duly impressed.</p>
+
+<p>"What wonderful old ladies they must be!"</p>
+
+<p>But the man shook his head, and explained with remarkable clearness:</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't say 'arnts', miss. I said 'awnts'&mdash;'aunts where I used to
+wander in my childhood days like."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PROOF</h3>
+
+<p><i>Shopper:</i>&mdash;"Are these eggs fresh?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Apprentice:</i>&mdash;"Yes, ma'am, they be."</p>
+
+<p><i>Shopper:</i>&mdash;"How long since they were laid?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Apprentice:</i>&mdash;"'Tain't ten minutes, ma'am&mdash;I know, I laid them eggs
+there myself."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PROPERTY</h3>
+
+<p>The indignant householder held up before the policeman the dead cat that
+had been lying by the curb three days.</p>
+
+<p>"What am I to do with this?" he demanded.</p>
+
+<p>"Take it to headquarters," was the serene reply. "If nobody claims it
+within a reasonable time, it's your property."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PROVIDENCE</h3>
+
+<p>The <i>babu</i> explained with great politeness the complete failure of a
+young American member of the shooting party in India to bag any game:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span></p><p>"The sahib shot divinely but it is true that Providence was all merciful
+to the birds."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PRUDENCE</h3>
+
+<p>Sandy MacTavish was a guest at a christening party in the home of a
+fellow Scot whose hospitality was limited only by the capacity of the
+company. The evening was hardly half spent when Sandy got to his feet,
+and made the round of his fellow guests, bidding each of them a very
+affectionate farewell. The host came bustling up, much concerned.</p>
+
+<p>"But, Sandy, mon," he protested, "Ye're nae goin' yet, with the evenin'
+just started?"</p>
+
+<p>"Nay," declared the prudent MacTavish, "I'm no' goin' yet. But I'm
+tellin' ye good-night while I know ye all."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The young man, who was notorious for the reckless driving of his car,
+was at his home in the country, when he received a telephone call, and a
+woman's voice asked if he intended to go motoring that afternoon.</p>
+
+<p>"No, not this afternoon," he replied. "But why do you ask? Who are you?"</p>
+
+<p>"That doesn't matter," came the voice over the wire. "It's only that I
+wish to send my little girl down the street on an errand."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PUNISHMENT</h3>
+
+<p>The school teacher, after writing to the mother of a refractory pupil,
+received this note in reply:</p>
+
+<p>"Dear miss, you writ me about whippin my boy i<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span> hereby give you
+permission to lick him eny time it is necessary to lern him lessuns hes
+jist like his paw you have to lern him with a club please pound nolej
+into him i want him to git it don't pay no attenshun to his paw either
+i'll handle him."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The little boy dashed wildly around the corner, and collided with the
+benevolent old gentleman, who inquired the cause of such haste.</p>
+
+<p>"I gotta git home fer maw to spank me," the boy panted.</p>
+
+<p>"Bless my soul!" exclaimed the old gentleman, "I can't understand your
+being in such a hurry to be spanked."</p>
+
+<p>"I ain't. But if I don't git there 'fore paw, he'll gimme the lickin'."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The little lad sat on the curb howling lustily. A passer-by halted to
+ask what was the matter. The boy explained between howls that his father
+had given him a licking. The sympathizer attempted consolation:</p>
+
+<p>"But you must be a little man, and not cry about it. All fathers have to
+punish their children sometimes."</p>
+
+<p>The lad ceased howling long enough to snort contemptuously, and to
+explain:</p>
+
+<p>"Huh! my paw ain't like other boys' paws. He plays the bass drum in the
+band!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PUNS</h3>
+
+<p>"What is your name?" demanded the judge of the prisoner in the Municipal
+Court.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span></p><p>"Locke Smith," was the answer, and the man made a bolt for the door.</p>
+
+<p>He was seized by an officer and hauled back.</p>
+
+<p>"Ten dollars or ten days," said the magistrate.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll take the ten dollars," announced the prisoner.</p>
+
+<p>Finally, he paid the fine, but he added explicit information as to his
+opinion of the judge. Then he leaped for the door again, only to be
+caught and brought back a second time.</p>
+
+<p>The judge, after fining the prisoner another ten dollars, admonished him
+severely, in these words:</p>
+
+<p>"If your language had been more chaste and refined, you would not have
+been chased and refined."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A member of the Lambs' Club had a reputation for lack of hospitality in
+the matter of buying drinks for others. On one occasion, two actors
+entered the bar, and found this fellow alone at the rail. They invited
+him to drink, and, as he accepted, he announced proudly:</p>
+
+<p>"I'm writing my autobiography."</p>
+
+<p>"With the accent on the 'bi'?" One of the newcomers suggested
+sarcastically.</p>
+
+<p>"No," his friend corrected, "with the accent on the 'auto'."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The stallion that had been driven in from the plains was a magnificent
+creature, but so fierce that no man dared approach closely. Then the
+amiable lunatic appeared on the scene. He took a halter, and went
+toward the dangerous beast. And as he went, he muttered softly:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span></p><p>"So, bossy; so bossy; so bossy."</p>
+
+<p>The stallion stood quietly and allowed the halter to be slipped over his
+head without offering any resistance.</p>
+
+<p>The horse was cowed.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>When Mr. Choate was ambassador to the Court of St. James, he was present
+at a function where his plain evening dress contrasted sharply with the
+uniforms of the other men. At a late hour, an Austrian diplomat approach
+him, as he stood near the door, obviously taking him for a servant, and
+said:</p>
+
+<p>"Call me a cab."</p>
+
+<p>Choate answered affably:</p>
+
+<p>"You're a cab, sir."</p>
+
+<p>The diplomat indignantly went to the host and explained that a servant
+had insulted him. He pointed to Choate. Explanations ensued, and the
+diplomat was introduced to the American, to whom he apologized.</p>
+
+<p>"That's all right," declared Choate, smiling. "If you had been
+better-looking, I'd have called you a hansom cab."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PUZZLE</h3>
+
+<p>The humorist offered his latest invention in the way of a puzzle to the
+assembly of guests in the drawing-room:</p>
+
+<p>"Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see; legs and cannot
+walk, but can jump as high as the Woolworth Building?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span></p><p>Everybody racked his brains during a period of deep silence, and racked
+in vain. Finally, they gave it up and demanded the solution. The
+inventor of the puzzle beamed.</p>
+
+<p>"The answer," he said, "is a wooden horse. It has eyes and cannot see,
+and legs and cannot walk."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," the company agreed. "But how does it jump as high as the
+Woolworth Building?"</p>
+
+<p>"The Woolworth Building," the humorist explained, "can't jump."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">QUARRELSOME</h3>
+
+<p>The applicant for the position of cook explained to the lady why she had
+left her last place:</p>
+
+<p>"To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master and
+the mistress was always quarreling."</p>
+
+<p>"That must have been unpleasant," the lady agreed.</p>
+
+<p>"Yis, mum," the cook declared, "they was at it all the time. When it
+wasn't me an' him, it was me an' her."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">QUESTIONS</h3>
+
+<p>It was a rule of the club that anyone asking a question which he himself
+could not answer must pay a fine. One of the members presented a
+question as to why a ground-squirrel in digging left no dirt around the
+entrance to its hole. He was finally called on for the answer, and
+explained that of course the squirrel began at the bottom and dug
+upward.</p>
+
+<p>"Excellent!" a listener laughed. "But how does the squirrel manage to
+reach the bottom?"</p>
+
+<p>"That," said the other with a grin, "is your question."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">RAILROAD</h3>
+
+<p>A railroad was opened through a remote region, and on the first run over
+the line, the engineer overtook a country boy riding his horse along the
+road bed. The engineer whistled, and the boy whipped. The train was
+forced to a crawl with the cowcatcher fairly nipping at the horse's
+heels. Finally, the engineer leaned from the cab window and shouted:</p>
+
+<p>"You dum fool, why dont ye git offen the track?"</p>
+
+<p>The fleeting boy screamed an answer:</p>
+
+<p>"No, sirree! Ye'd ketch me in a jiffy on thet-thar ploughed ground."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">RECOGNITION</h3>
+
+<p>The office telephone was out of order. An employee of the company was
+sent to make repairs. After a period of labor, he suggested to the
+gentleman occupying the office the calling up of some one over the wire
+in order to test the working of the instrument. The gentleman obligingly
+called for the number of his own home in the suburbs. When the
+connection was made, he called into the transmitter:</p>
+
+<p>"Maria!" and after a pause, "Maria!" and again "Maria!" There followed a
+few seconds of waiting, and he repeated his call in a peremptory tone,
+"Maria!"</p>
+
+<p>The electric storm that had been gathering broke at this moment. A bolt
+of lightning hit the telephone wires. The gentleman was hurled violently
+under his desk. Presently, he crawled forth in a dazed condition, and
+regarded the repair man plaintively.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span></p><p>"That's her!" he declared. "The telephone works fine."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">REFORM</h3>
+
+<p>Abe Jones was a colored man who made a living by chicken-stealing. He
+was converted at a camp meeting. When the elder was receiving
+testimonies from the mourners' bench, he at last called on Abe:</p>
+
+<p>"Brother," he exhorted, "won't you tell the congregation now what the
+Lord has done for you?"</p>
+
+<p>Abe got to his feet awkwardly, and mumbled his response in a tone tinged
+with bitterness:</p>
+
+<p>"It looks as though the Lawd done ruint me."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">RELIABILITY</h3>
+
+<p>The Southern lady saw old 'Rastus setting out with his fishing tackle
+for a day on the river, and she deemed it a fitting time to rebuke him
+for his notorious idleness, since she and everybody else knew that the
+entire family was supported by the industry of 'Rastus' old wife as a
+washerwoman.</p>
+
+<p>"'Rastus," she said severely, "do you think it's right to leave your
+wife hard at work over the washtub while you pass your time fishing?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yassum, ma'am," replied the old darky earnestly. "It's all right. Mah
+wife don' need any watchin'. She'll wuk jes' as hard as if I was dah."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">REPENTANCE</h3>
+
+<p>"When the Devil was sick, the Devil a monk would be: When the Devil was
+well, the devil a monk was he."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">REPETITION</h3>
+
+<p>The little girl had been naughty in school. By way of punishment, she
+was directed by the teacher to remain in her seat after the session
+until she had written an original composition containing not less than
+fifty words. In a surprisingly short space of time, she offered the
+following, and was duly excused:</p>
+
+<p>"I lost my kitty, and I went out and called, Come, kitty, kitty, kitty,
+kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,
+kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,
+kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,
+kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">RESIGNATION</h3>
+
+<p>The physician, afer an examination, addressed the wife of the sick man
+in a tone of grave finality:</p>
+
+<p>"I am afraid your husband is beyond help. I can hold out no hope of his
+recovery."</p>
+
+<p>This candor was offensive to the patient, who protested with what
+violence was permitted by a very scanty breath:</p>
+
+<p>"Here, hold on! What are you gittin' at? I ain't a-goin' to snuff out!"</p>
+
+<p>The wife interposed in a soothing voice:</p>
+
+<p>"You leave it to the doctor, dearie&mdash;he knows best."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">REVOLUTION</h3>
+
+<p>At a reception given by the Daughters of the Revolution in New York City
+appeared a woman from one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span> of the Latin-American States. She wore a
+large number of decorations and insignia. It was explained that she was
+a Daughter of all two hundred and thirty-eight revolutions in her own
+country.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">REWARD OF MERIT</h3>
+
+<p>A very tidy young man was distressed by his wife's carelessness in
+attire at home. He was especially annoyed by a torn skirt, which his
+wife was forever pinning and never mending. Being a tidy man, he had
+acquired some skill with a needle in his bachelor days. With the
+intention of administering a rebuke to his wife, he set to work on the
+skirt during her absence and sewed it up neatly. When, on her return
+home, he showed her what he had done, she was touched and kissed him
+tenderly. Soon she left the room, to return with an armful of garments.</p>
+
+<p>"Here are some more for you, darling," she announced happily. "Don't
+hurry. Just do them whenever you have time."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">REWARD OF VIRTUE</h3>
+
+<p>The little boy put a serious question to his mother:</p>
+
+<p>"Please, mama, tell me: If I'm a good boy, and I die, and go to heaven,
+will God give me a nice ickle devil to play with?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The teacher directed the class to compose fiction narrative. The most
+interesting story submitted ran as follows:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span></p><p>"A poor young man fell in love with the daughter of a rich lady who kept
+a candy store. The poor young man could not marry the rich candy lady's
+daughter because he had not money enough to buy any furniture.</p>
+
+<p>"A wicked man offered to give the young man twenty-five dollars if he
+would become a drunkard. The young man wanted the money very much, so he
+could marry the rich candy lady's daughter, but when he got to the
+saloon he turned to the wicked man and said, 'I will not become a
+drunkard even for twenty-five dollars. Get from behind me, Satan.'</p>
+
+<p>"On his way home he found a pocketbook containing a million dollars in
+gold. Then the young lady consented to marry him. They had a beautiful
+wedding, and the next day they had twins. Thus you see that Virtue has
+its own reward."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">RULING PASSION</h3>
+
+<p>Noah Webster, the maker of the dictionary, carried his exact knowledge
+as to the meaning of words into ordinary speech. A story told of
+him&mdash;which is, of course, untrue&mdash;illustrates the point.</p>
+
+<p>Noah's wife entered the kitchen, to find him kissing the cook.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Noah," she exclaimed, "I am surprised!"</p>
+
+<p>The lexicographer regarded his wife disapprovingly, and rebuked her:</p>
+
+<p>"<i>You</i> are astonished&mdash;<i>I</i> am surprised."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SAFETY FIRST</h3>
+
+<p>"Come over here!" called a friend to an intoxicated citizen whom he saw
+across the street.</p>
+
+<p>The man addressed blinked and shook his head.</p>
+
+<p>"Come over there?" he called back. "Why, it's all I can do to stay where
+I am."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Amos Perkins was hired in the spring to shoot muskrats, which were
+overrunning the mill dam. An acquaintance paused to chat one day with
+Amos, who was sitting at ease on the bank of the stream, his gun safely
+out of reach.</p>
+
+<p>"I hear the muskrats are undermining the dam," the acquaintance said.</p>
+
+<p>"So they be, so they be!" Amos agreed.</p>
+
+<p>"Hi! there goes one!" cried the visitor, pointing. "Shoot! Why don't you
+shoot, man?"</p>
+
+<p>Amos spat tobacco juice emphatically, and answered: "Huh! think I want
+to lose my job?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The disgruntled fisherman at the club lifted his voice and complained
+loudly. He protested against the base trickery of his two companions on
+the trip.</p>
+
+<p>"It was agreed," he explained, "before we started, that the one who
+caught the first fish must stand treat to a supper. Now, you'd hardly
+believe it, but it's a fact that when we got to fishing, both those
+fellows deliberately refused to pull in their lines when they had bites,
+just so I'd be stuck."</p>
+
+<p>"That was a mean trick," one of the auditors asserted<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> sympathetically.
+"How much did the supper cost you?"</p>
+
+<p>The grouchy fisherman relaxed slightly.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," he explained, "it wasn't as bad as that. You see, I didn't have
+any bait on my hook."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A G. A. R. veteran told to some members of the American Legion the story
+of a private in the Civil War, who during the first battle of Bull Run
+found a post hole into which he lowered himself, so that only his eyes
+were above the level of the ground. An officer, noting this display of
+cowardice, darted to the spot, and with a threatening gesture of his
+sword, shouted fiercely, "get out of that hole!"</p>
+
+<p>But the skulker did not come out. On the contrary, he put his thumb to
+his nose and waggled his fingers insultingly.</p>
+
+<p>"Not on your life," he retorted. "Hunt a hole for yourself. This belongs
+to me."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The woman hesitated over buying the silver service.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course," she said, "I take your word for it that it's solid silver,
+but somehow it doesn't look it."</p>
+
+<p>"A great advantage, ma'am," the shopkeeper declared suavely. "That
+service can be left right out in plain sight, and no burglar will look
+at it twice."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SANITY</h3>
+
+<p>It is a matter of uncommon knowledge that personal perfection is a most
+trying thing to live with. In the United States recently, a woman sued
+for divorce, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span>alleging in the complaint against her husband that he had
+no faults. It was probably a subtle subconscious realization of the
+unpleasantness, even the unendurableness, of perfection in the domestic
+companionship that caused the obvious misprint in the following extract
+from a Scotch editorial concerning the new divorce legislation:</p>
+
+<p>"But the Bill creates new grounds for the dissolution of the marriage
+bond, which are unknown to the law of Scotland. Cruelty, incurable
+sanity, or habitual drunkenness are proposed as separate grounds of
+divorce."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SARCASM</h3>
+
+<p>The noted story-teller at a dinner party related an anecdote, and was at
+first gratified by the hearty laughter of an old lady among the guests,
+and later a little suspicious, as her mirth continued. As he stared at
+her, puzzled, she spoke in explanation:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, that story is such a favorite of mine: the first time I heard it I
+laughed so hard that I kicked the foot-board off my crib."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The ponderous judge interrupted the eloquent lawyer harshly:</p>
+
+<p>"All you say goes in at one ear and out at the other."</p>
+
+<p>"What is to prevent it?" was the retort.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SAVING</h3>
+
+<p>A servant, who indulged in sprees during which he spent all his money,
+was advised by his master to save<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span> against a rainy day. A week later,
+the master inquired if any saving had been accomplished.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes, indeed, sir," the servant responded. "But, you see, sir, it
+rained yesterday, and it all went."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SCHEDULE</h3>
+
+<p>Cooks' tourists travel exactly according to schedule. The following
+conversation was overheard in Rome between a mother and daughter:</p>
+
+<p>"Is this Rome, ma?"</p>
+
+<p>"What day of the week is it, Matilda?"</p>
+
+<p>"Tuesday. What of it?"</p>
+
+<p>"If it's Tuesday, it must be Rome."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The man about to take a train was worried by the station clocks. There
+was twenty minutes difference between the one in the office and the one
+in the waiting-room. Finally, he questioned a porter. That worthy made a
+careful survey of the two clocks, and shook his head doubtfully. Then,
+he brightened suddenly, and said:</p>
+
+<p>"It don't make a single mite of difference about the clocks. The train
+goes at four-ten, no matter what."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SEASICKNESS</h3>
+
+<p>On the first morning of the voyage, the vessel ran into a nasty choppy
+sea, which steadily grew worse. There were twenty-five passengers at the
+captain's table for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span> dinner, and he addressed them in an amiable
+welcoming speech:</p>
+
+<p>"I hope that all twenty-five of you will have a pleasant trip." The soup
+appeared, and he continued: "I sincerely hope that this little assembly
+of twenty-four will thoroughly enjoy the voyage. I look upon these
+twenty-two smiling faces as a father upon his family, for I am
+responsible for the safety of this group of seventeen. And now I ask
+that all fourteen of you join me in drinking to a merry trip. Indeed, I
+believe that we eight are most congenial, and I applaud the good fortune
+that brought these three persons to my table. You and I, my dear sir,
+are&mdash;&mdash; Here, steward, clear away all those dishes, and bring me the
+fish."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The pair on their honeymoon were crossing the Channel, and the movement
+of the waves seemed to be going on right inside the bride. In a fleeting
+moment of internal calm she murmured pathetically to the bridegroom in
+whose arms she was clasped:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy, do you love me?"</p>
+
+<p>"My darling!" he affirmed. "You know I love you with all my heart and
+soul&mdash;I worship you, I adore you, my precious oontsy-woontsy!"</p>
+
+<p>The boat reeled, and a sickening pang thrilled through all the
+foundations of the bride's being.</p>
+
+<p>"O dear, O dear!" she gasped. "I hoped that might help a little, but it
+didn't&mdash;not a bit!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The seasick voyager on the ocean bowed humbly over<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span> the rail and made
+libation to Neptune. The kindly old gentleman who stood near remarked
+sympathetically:</p>
+
+<p>"You have a weak stomach."</p>
+
+<p>The victim paused in his distressing occupation to snort indignantly:</p>
+
+<p>"Weak? Humph! I guess I can throw as far as anybody on this ship."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The wife of the seasick passenger was about to leave the stateroom for
+dinner. She inquired of her husband solicitously:</p>
+
+<p>"George, shall I have the steward bring some dinner to you here?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," was the reply, haltingly given between groans.</p>
+
+<p>"But I wish, my dear, you would ask him to take it on deck and throw it
+over the rail for me."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The moralizing gentleman at the club remarked ponderously:</p>
+
+<p>"If there is anything in a man, travel will bring it out."</p>
+
+<p>One who had just landed from a rough crossing agreed bitterly:</p>
+
+<p>"Especially ocean travel."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SECTARIAN</h3>
+
+<p>Once upon a time a coach was held up by a road-agent. The driver
+explained to the robber that his only<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span> passenger was a man, who was
+asleep inside. The highwayman insisted that the traveler be awakened. "I
+want to go through his pockets!" he declared fiercely, with an oath.</p>
+
+<p>The bishop, when aroused, made gentle protests.</p>
+
+<p>"You surely would not rob a poor bishop!" he exclaimed. "I have no money
+worth your attention, and I am engaged on my duties as a bishop."</p>
+
+<p>The robber hesitated.</p>
+
+<p>"A bishop, eh?" he said thoughtfully. "Of what church?"</p>
+
+<p>"The Episcopal."</p>
+
+<p>"The hell you are! That's the church I belong to! So long!... Driver,
+larrup them mules!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A Scotch Presbyterian clergyman tells the story of a parishioner who
+formed a secession with a few others unable to accept the doctrines of
+the church. But when the clergyman asked this man if he and the others
+worshiped together, the answer was:</p>
+
+<p>"No. The fact is, I found that they accepted certain points to which I
+could not agree, so I withdrew from communion with them."</p>
+
+<p>"So, then," the clergyman continued, "I suppose you and your wife carry
+on your devotions together at home."</p>
+
+<p>"No, not exactly," the man admitted. "I found that our views on certain
+doctrines are not in harmony. So, there has been a division between us.
+Now, she worships in the northeast corner of the room and I in the
+southwest."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SELF-BETRAYAL</h3>
+
+<p>The old lady was very aristocratic, but somewhat prim and precise.
+Nevertheless, when the company had been telling of college pranks, she
+relaxed slightly, and told of a lark that had caused excitement in
+Cambridge when she was a girl there. This was to the effect that two
+maidens of social standing were smuggled into the second-story room of a
+Harvard student for a gay supper. The affair was wholly innocent, but
+secrecy was imperative, to avoid scandal. The meal was hardly begun when
+a thunderous knock of authority came on the door. The young men acted
+swiftly in the emergency. Silently, one of the girls was lowered to the
+ground from the window by a rope knotted under her arms. The second girl
+was then lowered, but the rope broke when the descent was hardly half
+completed.</p>
+
+<p>The old lady had related the incident with increasing animation, and at
+this critical point in the narrative she burst forth:</p>
+
+<p>"And I declare, when that rope broke, I just knew I was going to be
+killed, sure!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SERMON</h3>
+
+<p>The aged colored clergyman, who made up in enthusiasm what he lacked in
+education, preached a sermon on the verse of the Psalm, "Awake, Psaltery
+and Harp! I myself will awake right early." The explanation of the
+words, which preceded the exhortation, was as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Awake, Peasel Tree an' Ha'ap, I myself will awake<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span> airly. Dis yere Sam
+was wrote by de prophet Moses. Moses was mighty fond o' playin' on de
+ha'ap all de day long, an' at night when he went to bed he'd hang up de
+ha'ap on de limb ob a Peasel tree what grew on de outside o' de window,
+an' in de mawnin', when de sun would get up an' shine in his face, he'd
+jump out o' bed, an' exclaim, 'Wake, Peasel Tree an' Ha'ap! I myself
+will awake airly!'"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SCAPEGOAT</h3>
+
+<p>Cousin Willie, aged ten, came for a visit to Johnnie, aged twelve.
+Johnnie's mother directed him to take the visitor out to play with his
+boy friends in the neighborhood.</p>
+
+<p>"And be sure to have lots of fun," she added.</p>
+
+<p>On the return of the boys, Willie, the guest, appeared somewhat
+downcast, but Johnnie was radiant.</p>
+
+<p>"Did you have a good time?" his mother asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Bully!" Johnnie answered.</p>
+
+<p>"And lots of fun?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes!"</p>
+
+<p>"But Willie doesn't look very happy," Johnnie's mother said doubtfully.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you see," Johnnie answered, beaming, "the rest of us, we had our
+fun with Willie."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SHEEP AND GOATS</h3>
+
+<p>The little girl was deeply impressed by the clergyman's sermon as to the
+separation of the sheep and the goats. That night after she had gone to
+bed, she was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span> heard sobbing, and the mother went to her, to ask what was
+the matter.</p>
+
+<p>"It's about the goats!" Jenny confessed at last. "I'm so afraid I am a
+goat, and so I'll never go to heaven. Oh, I'm so afraid I'm a goat!"</p>
+
+<p>"My dear," the mother assured her weeping child. "You're a sweet little
+lamb. If you were to die to-night, you would go straight to heaven." Her
+words were successful in quieting the little girl, and she slept.</p>
+
+<p>But the following night Jenny was found crying again in her bed, and
+when her mother appeared she wailed:</p>
+
+<p>"I'm afraid about the goats."</p>
+
+<p>"But mother has told you that you are a little lamb, and that you must
+never worry over being a goat."</p>
+
+<p>Jenny, however, was by no means comforted, and continued her sobs.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, mamma," she declared sadly, "I know that. But I'm afraid&mdash;awful
+afraid you're a goat!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SHIFTLESSNESS</h3>
+
+<p>The shiftless man, who preferred reading to labor, closed the book on
+French history, which he had been perusing with great interest, and
+addressed his wife.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you know, Mary," he asked impressively, "what I would have done if I
+had been in Napoleon's place?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly!" the wife snapped. "You'd have settled right down on a farm
+in Corsica, and let it run itself."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SHIPWRECK</h3>
+
+<p>The new member of the club listened with solemn interest to the various
+stories that were told in the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span>smoking room. They were good stories, and
+obviously lies, and each of them was a bigger lie than any that had gone
+before. Finally, the company insisted that the new member should relate
+a tale. He refused at first, but under pressure yielded, and gave a
+vivid account of a shipwreck at sea during one of his voyages. He
+described the stress of the terrible situation with such power that his
+hearers were deeply impressed. He reached the point in his account where
+only the captain and himself and half a dozen others were left aboard
+the doomed vessel, after the last of the boats had been lowered.</p>
+
+<p>"And then," he concluded, "a vast wave came hurtling down on us. It was
+so huge that it shut out all the sky. It crashed over the already
+sinking ship in a torrent of irresistible force. Under that dreadful
+blow the laboring vessel sank, and all those left on board of her were
+drowned."</p>
+
+<p>The narrator paused and there was a period of tense silence. But
+presently someone asked:</p>
+
+<p>"And you&mdash;what became of you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I," was the reply, "why I was drowned with the rest of them."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SLANDER</h3>
+
+<p>The business man's wife, who had called at his office, regarded the
+pretty young stenographer with a baleful eye.</p>
+
+<p>"You told me that your typewriter was an old maid," she accused.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span></p><p>The husband, at a loss, faltered in his reply, but at last contrived:</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, but she's sick to-day, and sent her grandchild in her place."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SLAVERY</h3>
+
+<p>A traveler in the South chatted with an aged negro, whom he met in the
+road.</p>
+
+<p>"And I suppose you were once a slave?" he remarked.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, suh," the old colored man answered.</p>
+
+<p>"And, so, after the war, you gained your freedom," the gentleman
+continued.</p>
+
+<p>But the ancient one shook his head sadly.</p>
+
+<p>"No, suh," he declared with great emphasis. "Not perzactly, suh. I
+didn't git mah freedom, suh, after de war&mdash;I done got married!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SMELLS</h3>
+
+<p>An argument arose among a number of British officers during their time
+of service in the Dardanelles, and wagers were made among them. The
+question at issue was as to which smells the louder, a goat or a Turk.
+The colonel was made arbiter. He sat judicially in his tent, and a goat
+was brought in. The colonel fainted. After the officer had been revived,
+and was deemed able to continue his duty as referee, a Turk was brought
+into the tent. The goat fainted.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SOCIAL UPLIFT</h3>
+
+<p>The somewhat unpleasant person, who was a social worker, completed her
+call on a dweller in the tenement district, and rose to depart. The
+unwilling hostess shook her head at the visitor's promise to come again.</p>
+
+<p>"And excuse me if I don't return the call," she vouchsafed. "Myself,
+I've got no time to go slummin'."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The philanthropic hostess entertained a party of children from the slums
+at her home. She addressed one particularly pretty and
+intelligent-looking little girl, who listened shyly. She urged the child
+to speak without embarrassment. The little one complied, aspiring:</p>
+
+<p>"How many children have you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Six," the hostess answered, in surprise.</p>
+
+<p>"What a big family! You must be sure to look after them properly, and be
+very careful to keep them clean."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll try to, certainly," the lady declared, much amused.</p>
+
+<p>"Has your husband got a job?" the girl demanded crisply.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, no," the hostess admitted.</p>
+
+<p>"How unfortunate! You know you must keep out of debt."</p>
+
+<p>"Really, you must not be impertinent," was the reproof.</p>
+
+<p>"No, ma'am," the child responded simply, "mother said I must talk like a
+lady, and that's the way the ladies talk when they come to see us."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SPANKING</h3>
+
+<p>Back in those days when corporal punishment was permitted to teachers, a
+minor teacher named Miss Bings complained to one of her superiors, Miss
+Manners, that she had spanked one particular boy, Thomas, until she
+could spank him no more for physical fatigue.</p>
+
+<p>"When you want him spanked again, send him to me," Miss Manners said.</p>
+
+<p>Next morning, Thomas came into the presence of Miss Manners, displaying
+an air that was downcast. The teacher regarded him with suspicion.</p>
+
+<p>"Did you come from Miss Bings?" she asked sharply.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, ma'am," Thomas admitted.</p>
+
+<p>"I thought as much!" On the instant, she skillfully inverted the
+youngster over her lap, and whacked him in a most spirited manner. This
+duty done, as the wailings of the boy died away, she demanded sternly:</p>
+
+<p>"And now what have you to say?"</p>
+
+<p>"Please, ma'am," Thomas answered brokenly, "Miss Bings wants the
+scissors!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SPEED</h3>
+
+<p>In the business college, the instructor addressed the new class
+concerning the merits of shorthand. In his remarks, he included this
+statement:</p>
+
+<p>"It is a matter of record that it took the poet Gray seven years to
+write his famous poem, 'Elegy in a Country Churchyard.' Had he been
+proficient in stenography, he could have done it in seven minutes.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span> We
+have had students who have written it in that length of time."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The young lady interested in botany inquired of the gentleman who had
+been traveling in the South.</p>
+
+<p>"What sort of a plant is the Virginia creeper?"</p>
+
+<p>"That is not a plant," was the answer, given wearily; "it's a railroad."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SPELLING</h3>
+
+<p>Some time before Mr. Taft became President of the United States, he took
+an extended trip in the mountains of West Virginia. On one occasion, he
+was conveyed along the mountain roads in a buggy driven by a native of
+the region. As they came to a small stream, Mr. Taft, without any
+particular interest, inquired concerning the brook's name. So far as he
+could understand, the answer was:</p>
+
+<p>"This here are Swum-swum Crick."</p>
+
+<p>"What?" Mr. Taft demanded.</p>
+
+<p>In the repetition, the words sounded like:</p>
+
+<p>"This here are Swoovel Crick."</p>
+
+<p>The questioner was so puzzled that he asked the mountaineer how the name
+of the Creek was spelled.</p>
+
+<p>The native spat tobacco juice reflectively over the wheel, and then
+spoke judicially:</p>
+
+<p>"Waal, some spells it one way, an' some spells it another way; but in my
+jedgmint thar are no propeer way."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The clerk of the court directed the witness to spell his name. The man
+started his reply thus:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span></p><p>"<i>O</i> double <i>t</i>, <i>i</i> double <i>u</i>, <i>e</i> double <i>l</i>, double <i>u</i>, double&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>The clerk interrupted:</p>
+
+<p>"Please, begin again."</p>
+
+<p>The witness complied glibly:</p>
+
+<p>"<i>O</i> double <i>t</i>, <i>i</i> double <i>u</i>, <i>e</i> double <i>l</i>, double <i>u</i>, double
+<i>o</i>&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>The clerk groaned. The judge himself intervened: "What is your name?"</p>
+
+<p>"Your Honor, it is Ottiwell Wood. I spell it: <i>O</i> double <i>t</i>, <i>i</i> double
+<i>u</i>, <i>e</i> double <i>l</i>, double <i>u</i>, double <i>o</i>, <i>d</i>."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SPINSTERHOOD</h3>
+
+<p>The old colored mammy took advantage of a wedding announcement to
+question her mistress, who remained a spinster still though approaching
+middle age.</p>
+
+<p>"When is you gwine to git married, missy?"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know, mammy," was the thoughtful reply. "Really, I don't think
+I'll ever get married."</p>
+
+<p>A note of sadness in the speaker's voice moved the old woman to attempt
+philosophical consolation:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, they do say as how ole maids am the happies' kind after they
+quits strugglin'."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SPITE</h3>
+
+<p>The faithful old employee asked for a day off. The request was granted,
+with an inquiry as to what he intended to do on his holiday.</p>
+
+<p>"I think," came the cautious answer, "I shall go to my wife's funeral.
+She died the other day."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span></p><p>A few weeks later, the request for a day off was repeated.</p>
+
+<p>"And what are you going to do this time?" the employer asked.</p>
+
+<p>"I think, mebbe, I'll get married."</p>
+
+<p>"What! So soon after burying your wife?"</p>
+
+<p>The faithful old employee smiled tolerantly, as he answered:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, well, I was never one to hold spite."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SPORTSMANSHIP</h3>
+
+<p>In the party out after reed birds was a tyro at the sport. When at last
+he saw one of the birds walking about, he plumped down on his stomach,
+and took aim. A companion called to him sharply:</p>
+
+<p>"You're not going to shoot the bird while it's walking?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," was the firm response; "I'll wait till it stops."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SPRING</h3>
+
+<p>The teacher talked on the four seasons, telling how in the spring the
+new life comes to the earth, with the growth of grasses and leaves and
+flowers, how this life matures in summer, and so on, and so on. Then she
+called on the class to repeat the information she had given. She asked
+one little boy about spring.</p>
+
+<p>"What do we find in the spring, George?"</p>
+
+<p>George seemed very reluctant to answer, but when the teacher insisted he
+at last said:</p>
+
+<p>"Why, ma'am, there's a frog, an' a lizard, an' a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span> snake, an' a dead cat,
+but I didn't put the cat there. It was another boy."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">STAMMERING</h3>
+
+<p>On the occasion of a most interesting family event, Mr. Peedle, who
+desired a son, paced the drawing-room in extreme agitation, until at
+last the doctor appeared in the doorway.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, oh, tell me," he gasped, "what is it&mdash;a boy or a girl?"</p>
+
+<p>"Tr-tr-tr&mdash;" the physician began stammeringly.</p>
+
+<p>Peedle paled.</p>
+
+<p>"Triplets! Merciful providence!"</p>
+
+<p>"Qu-qu-qu&mdash;" spluttered the doctor.</p>
+
+<p>Peedle paled some more.</p>
+
+<p>"Quadruplets!" he moaned.</p>
+
+<p>"N-n-no!" the physician snapped. "Qu-qu-quite the contrary. Tr-tr-try to
+take it qu-quietly. It's a girl."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">STYLE</h3>
+
+<p>Two old friends met, and immediately found that they were equally
+devoted to motoring. After a discussion of their various cars, one
+bethought himself to ask concerning the other's wife, whom he had never
+seen. That lady was described by her husband, as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Nineteen-six model, limousine so to say, heavy tread, runs on low."</p>
+
+<p>"Self-starter?"</p>
+
+<p>"You bet!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SUNDAY SCHOOL</h3>
+
+<p>The young lady worker for the Sunday school called on the newly wedded
+pair.</p>
+
+<p>"I am endeavoring to secure new scholars," she explained. "Won't you
+send your children?"</p>
+
+<p>When she was informed that there were no children in the family as yet,
+she continued brightly:</p>
+
+<p>"But won't you please send them when you do have them?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The Sunday-school teacher examined his new class.</p>
+
+<p>"Who made the world?" he demanded. Nobody seemed to know. He repeated
+the question somewhat sternly. As the silence persisted, he frowned and
+spoke with increased severity:</p>
+
+<p>"Children, I must know who made the world!"</p>
+
+<p>Then, at last, a small boy piped up in much agitation:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, sir, please, sir, it wasn't me!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SUPERMAN</h3>
+
+<p>It is told of Mrs. Gladstone that a number of ladies in her drawing-room
+once became engaged in earnest discussion of a difficult problem. It
+chanced that at the time the great prime minister was in his study
+upstairs. As the argument in the drawing-room became hopelessly
+involved, a devout lady of the company took advantage of a lull to say:</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, well, there is One above Who knows it all."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Gladstone beamed.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span></p><p>"Yes," she said proudly. "And William will be down directly to tell us
+all about it."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SUPERSTITION</h3>
+
+<p>The superstitious sporting editor of the paper condemned the "Horse
+Fair" by Rosa Bonheur.</p>
+
+<p>"Just look at those white horses!" he exclaimed disgustedly. "And not a
+red-headed girl in sight."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SUSPENSE</h3>
+
+<p>The passionate lover wrote to his inamorata as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Adored of my soul:&mdash;If you love me, wear a red rose in your corsage
+to-night at the opera. If my devotion to you is hopeless, wear a white
+rose."</p>
+
+<p>She wore a yellow rose.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SUSPICION</h3>
+
+<p>The eminent politicians of opposing parties met on a train, and during
+their chat discovered that they agreed concerning primaries.</p>
+
+<p>"It is the first time," said one, "that we have ever agreed on a matter
+of public policy."</p>
+
+<p>"That is so," the other assented. "The fact leads me to suspect that I
+am wrong, after all in this matter of the primaries."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SYMPATHY</h3>
+
+<p>A tramp devised a new scheme for working on the sympathy of the
+housewife. After ringing the front door bell, he got on his knees, and
+began nibbling at the grass of the lawn. Presently the woman opened the
+door, and, in surprise at sight of him on all fours, asked what he was
+doing there.</p>
+
+<p>The tramp got to his feet shakily, and made an eloquent clutch at his
+stomach as he explained:</p>
+
+<p>"Dear madam, I am so hungry that like Nebuchadnezzar I just had to take
+to eatin' grass."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, well, now ain't that too bad!" the woman cried. "You go right
+into the back yard&mdash;the grass there is longer."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TACT</h3>
+
+<p>The senator from Utah was able to disarm by flattery the resentment of a
+woman at a reception in Washington, who upbraided him for that plurality
+of wives so dear to Mormon precept and practice.</p>
+
+<p>"Alas, madam," the senator declared with a touch of sadness in his
+voice, "we are compelled in Utah to marry a number of wives."</p>
+
+<p>His fair antagonist was frankly surprised.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean?" she demanded.</p>
+
+<p>The senator explained suavely:</p>
+
+<p>"We have to seek there in several women the splendid qualities that here
+are to be found in one."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TALKING MACHINE</h3>
+
+<p>Many a man who has suffered from tongue-lashings at home will be moved
+to profound sympathy for the victim described as follows in a local news
+item of a country paper:</p>
+
+<p>"Alice Jardine, a married woman, was charged with unlawfully wounding
+her husband, Charles Jardine, a laborer, by striking him with a pair of
+tongues."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TAR AND FEATHERS</h3>
+
+<p>The victim of the Klu Klux Klan plucked some feathers from his neck with
+one hand, while he picked gingerly at the tar on his legs with the
+other.</p>
+
+<p>"The excitement," he murmured, "rose to a terrible pitch, but it soon
+came down."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TASTE</h3>
+
+<p>A noted humorist once spent a few weeks with a tribe of western Indians.
+On his return, he was asked concerning his experiences. One question
+was:</p>
+
+<p>"Did you ever taste any dog-feast stew?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," was the melancholy reply. "I tasted it twice&mdash;once when it went
+down, and once when it came up."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>It's all a matter of taste, as the old lady said when she kissed the
+cow.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The master of the house was hungry at breakfast, and swallowed a good
+part of his bacon before he tasted it. Then he took time to protest
+violently to his wife against the flavor of the food. The good lady
+offered no apology, but rang for the servant. When the latter appeared,
+the mistress asked a question that was little calculated to soothe her
+husband.</p>
+
+<p>"Maggie," she inquired serenely, "what did you do with the bacon we
+poisoned for the rats?"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TEARS</h3>
+
+<p>The kind lady stopped to tell the sobbing little girl not to cry, and
+she offered as a convincing argument:</p>
+
+<p>"You know it makes little girls homely."</p>
+
+<p>The child stared belligerently at the benevolent lady, and then
+remarked:</p>
+
+<p>"You must have cried an awful lot when you was young."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TENDER MEMORIES</h3>
+
+<p>"Please tell me, James," directed the young lady teacher, "where
+shingles were first used?"</p>
+
+<p>"I could, ma'am," little Jimmie replied in great embarrassment, "but I'd
+rather not."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TERMINOLOGY</h3>
+
+<p>When the bishop was entertained at an English country house, the butler
+coached carefully the new boy<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span> who was to carry up the jug of hot water
+for shaving in the morning.</p>
+
+<p>"When you knock," the butler explained, "and he asks, 'Who's there?'
+then you must say, 'It's the boy, my Lord.'"</p>
+
+<p>The lad, in much nervous trepidation, duly carried up the hot water, but
+in answer to the bishop's query as to who was at the door, he announced:</p>
+
+<p>"It's the Lord, my boy!"</p>
+
+<p>The butler overheard and was horrified. He hammered into the youth's
+consciousness, the fact that a bishop must be addressed as my lord.
+Finally, he was satisfied that the boy understood, and permitted him to
+assist in serving the dinner that night. The youngster was sent to the
+bishop to offer a plate of cheese. With shaking knees, he presented the
+dish to the prelate, and faltered:</p>
+
+<p>"My God, will you have some cheese?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The master of the house returned from business somewhat early. He did
+not find his wife about, and so called downstairs to the cook:</p>
+
+<p>"Bridget, do you know anything of my wife's whereabouts?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, sor," Bridget answered, "Sure, I know nothin' but I'm thinkin',
+sor, it's likely they're in the wash."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TESTIMONY</h3>
+
+<p>Paul Smith, the famous hotel-keeper in the Adirondacks, told of a law
+suit that he had with a man named Jones in Malone.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span></p><p>"It was this way: I sat in the courtroom before the case opened with my
+witnesses around me. Then Jones bustled in. He stopped abruptly, and
+looked my witnesses over carefully. Presently he turned to me.</p>
+
+<p>"'Paul,' he asked, 'are those your witnesses?'</p>
+
+<p>"'They are,' I replied.</p>
+
+<p>"'Then you win,' he exclaimed. 'I've had them witnesses twice myself.'"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The grateful woman on the farm in Arkansas wrote to the vendors of the
+patent medicine:</p>
+
+<p>"Four weeks ago I was so run down that I could not spank the baby. After
+taking three bottles of your Elegant Elixir I am now able to thrash my
+husband in addition to my other housework. God bless you!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>In one of the most desolate areas of Montana, a claim was taken by a man
+from Iowa. The nearest neighbor, from twenty miles away, visited the
+homesteader's shack, and introduced himself.</p>
+
+<p>"Where did you come from?" the visitor inquired presently, and when he
+had been told:</p>
+
+<p>"I can't understand why anybody should want to get out of that civilized
+country to come and live in this lonesomeness."</p>
+
+<p>"Fact was," the man from Iowa explained somberly, "I didn't exactly like
+it down there any more. You see, it was this way. They got to telling
+things about me. Why, they even said I was a liar and hoss thief, and no
+better than I ought to be. And, by Jemima,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span> I jest pulled out and went
+right away from them scandalous folks."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I swan!" the visitor exclaimed indignantly. "You can bet I
+wouldn't leave a place for any reason like that. I'd make them prove
+what they said."</p>
+
+<p>The homesteader sighed dismally as he answered:</p>
+
+<p>"That's jest the trouble&mdash;they did prove it!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THREAT</h3>
+
+<p>The mother, who was a believer in strict discipline, sternly addressed
+her little daughter, who sat wofully shrinking in the dentist's chair as
+the ogre approached forceps in hand:</p>
+
+<p>"Now, Letty, if you cry, I'll never take you to the dentist's again."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THRIFT</h3>
+
+<p>A Scotchman was questioned by a friend:</p>
+
+<p>"Mac, I hear ye have fallen in love wi' bonny Kate McAllister."</p>
+
+<p>"Weel, Sanders," Mac replied, "I was near&mdash;veera near&mdash;doin' it, but the
+bit lassy had nae siller, so I said to meaself, 'Mac, be a mon.' And I
+was a mon, and noo I jist pass her by."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The thrifty housewife regarded her dying husband with stern disapproval
+as he moaned and tossed restlessly from side to side.</p>
+
+<p>"William Henry," she rebuked him, "you jest needn't kick and squirm so,
+and wear them best sheets all out, even if you be a-dyin'."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TIME FLIES</h3>
+
+<p>The ardent lover heard the clock strike the hours&mdash;first nine, then ten,
+then eleven. At the sound of twelve strokes, he burst forth
+passionately:</p>
+
+<p>"How fleet are the hours in your presence, my beloved!"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't be silly!" the girl chided. "That's pa setting the clock."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TIT FOR TAT</h3>
+
+<p>The prize bull-dog attacked a farmer, who defended himself with a
+pitchfork, and in doing so killed the dog. The owner was greatly
+distressed, and reproached the farmer.</p>
+
+<p>"Why didn't you use the other end of the fork," he demanded, "and just
+beat him off, without killing him?"</p>
+
+<p>"I would have," the farmer answered, "if he had come at me with the
+other end."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TOBACCO</h3>
+
+<p>The native pointed with pride to two doddering ancients hobbling
+painfully down the village street, and informed the stranger:</p>
+
+<p>"Them fellers is the Dusenbury twins&mdash;ninety-eight year old!" The
+visitor was duly impressed, and asked to what the pair of venerable
+citizens attributed their long life.</p>
+
+<p>"It's kind o' which and t' other," the native confessed. "Obadiah
+declares its all along o' his chewin'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span> an' smokin' an' snuffin' day in
+an' day out, fer nigh onto a hundred year; an' Ebenezer declares he has
+his health becase he never touched the filthy weed."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TOILETTE DETAILS</h3>
+
+<p>The little girl who had observed certain details in the toilette
+preparations of her elders, was observed by her mother at work over her
+most elaborate doll in a somewhat strange manner.</p>
+
+<p>"Whatever are you trying to do with your doll, Mary?" the mother asked.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm just going to put her to bed, mummy," the child replied seriously.
+"I've taken off her hair, but I can't get her teeth out."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TONGUE</h3>
+
+<p>An old lady in the London parish of the famous Doctor Gill made a
+nuisance of herself by constant interference in the affairs of others.
+As a gossip she was notorious. It appeared to her that the neckbands
+worn by the Doctor were longer than was fitting. She therefore took
+occasion to visit the clergyman, and harangued him at length on the
+sinfulness of pride. Then she exhibited a pair of scissors, and
+suggested that she should cut down the offending neckbands to a size
+fitting her ideas of propriety. The Doctor listened patiently to her
+exhortation, and at the end offered her the neckbands on which to work
+her will. She triumphantly trimmed them to her taste, and returned the
+shorn remnants to the minister.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span></p><p>"And now," said the Doctor, "you must do me a good turn also."</p>
+
+<p>"That I will, Doctor," the woman declared heartily. "What can it be?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," the clergyman explained, "you have something about you which is
+a deal too long and which causes me and many others such trouble, that I
+should like to see it shorter."</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed, dear Doctor, I shall not hesitate to gratify you. What is it?
+See, here are the scissors! Use them as you please."</p>
+
+<p>"Come, then," said the Doctor, "good sister, put out your tongue."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TREACHERY</h3>
+
+<p>The Italian workman in the West was warned to look out for rattlesnakes.
+He was assured, however, that a snake would never strike until after
+sounding the rattles. One day, while seated on a log, eating his lunch,
+the Italian saw a rattlesnake coiled ready to strike. He lifted his legs
+carefully, with the intention of darting away on the other side of the
+log the moment the rattles should sound their warning. But just as his
+feet cleared the top of the log, the snake struck out and its fangs were
+buried in the wood only the fraction of an inch below the Italian's
+trousers. The frightened man fled madly, but he took breath to shriek
+over his shoulder:</p>
+
+<p>"Son of a gun! Why you no ringa da bell?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TREASURE TROVE</h3>
+
+<p>An old negro, who had almost attained the century mark, nearly blind,
+almost completely disabled, without friends, relations, or money, felt
+himself about to die, and stealthily made his way into a farmer's barn,
+where he burrowed into the haymow. But the farmer had observed the man's
+entrance, and after getting his shotgun, he hurried to the barn.</p>
+
+<p>"I got you!" he cried savagely. "Dog gone you! I got you!"</p>
+
+<p>The moribund derelict thrust his black face from the mow, and showed his
+toothless gums in a grin, as he answered:</p>
+
+<p>"An' a great git you got!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TRIAL</h3>
+
+<p>The colored man was before the court, accused of horse-stealing. The
+prosecuting attorney read the indictment sternly, and then asked:</p>
+
+<p>"Are you guilty, or not guilty?"</p>
+
+<p>The prisoner wriggled perplexedly, and then grinned propitiatingly as he
+said:</p>
+
+<p>"Now, suh, boss, ain't dat perzakly de ting we'se done gwine diskiver in
+dis-yere trial?"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TRIPLETS</h3>
+
+<p>When the domestic event was due, the prospective father, being ordered
+out of the house, celebrated the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span> occasion with many friends in a number
+of saloons. He celebrated so well that the clock was striking three in
+the morning when he entered the house. A nurse hurried to him, and undid
+some wrappings that revealed three tiny faces. The father stared
+reproachfully at the clock in the hall, and then, again regarding his
+group of children, spoke earnestly:</p>
+
+<p>"Oi'm not superstitious, but Oi thank hivin Oi didn't come home at
+twelve!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TRUTH-TELLERS</h3>
+
+<p>The little girl evidently appreciated the fact that all men and women
+are liars, for <i>Punch</i> records the following as the dialogue between her
+and her mother when she had been caught in a fib:</p>
+
+<p><i>Mother:</i> "It is very naughty to tell untruths, Kitty. Those who do so,
+never go to heaven."</p>
+
+<p><i>Kitty:</i> "Don't you ever tell an untruth, Mummy?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mother:</i> "No, dear&mdash;never."</p>
+
+<p><i>Kitty:</i> "Well, you'll be fearfully lonely, won't you, with only George
+Washington?"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR</h3>
+
+<p>The woman lecturing on dress reform was greatly shocked when she read
+the report as published in the local paper. The writer had been innocent
+enough, for his concluding sentence was:</p>
+
+<p>"The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing that was remarkable."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span></p><p>But the merry compositor inserted a period, which was left undisturbed
+by the proofreader, so that the published statement ran:</p>
+
+<p>"The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing. That was remarkable."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The poet, in a fine frenzy, dashed off a line that was really superb:</p>
+
+<p>"See the pale martyr in his sheet of fire."</p>
+
+<p>The devilish compositor so tangled the words that, when the poem was
+published, this line read:</p>
+
+<p>"See the pale martyr with his shirt on fire."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The critic, in his review of the burlesque, wrote:</p>
+
+<p>"The ladies of Prince Charming's household troops filled their parts to
+perfection."</p>
+
+<p>The compositor, in his haste, read an <i>n</i> for the <i>r</i> in the word
+<i>parts</i>, and the sentence, thus changed, radically in its significance,
+duly appeared in the morning paper.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">VALUES</h3>
+
+<p>An American girl who married a Bavarian baron enjoyed playing Lady
+Bountiful among the tenants on her husband's estate. On the death of the
+wife of one of the cottagers, she called to condole with the bereaved
+widower. She uttered her formal expressions of sympathy with him in his
+grief over the loss of his wife, and she was then much disconcerted by
+his terse optimistic comment:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span></p><p>"But it's a good thing, your ladyship, that it wasn't the cow."</p>
+
+<p>Wives are to be had for the asking; cows are not.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">VANITY</h3>
+
+<p>The fair penitent explained to the confessor how greatly she was grieved
+by an accusing conscience. She bewailed the fact that she was sadly
+given over to personal vanity. She added that on this very morning she
+had gazed into her mirror and had yielded to the temptation of thinking
+herself beautiful.</p>
+
+<p>"Is that all, my daughter?" the priest demanded.</p>
+
+<p>"Then, my daughter," the confessor bade her, "go in peace, for to be
+mistaken is not to sin."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">VICTORY</h3>
+
+<p>That celebrated statue, the Winged Victory, has suffered during the
+centuries to the extent of losing its head and other less vital parts.
+When the Irish tourist was confronted by this battered figure in the
+museum, and his guide had explained that this was the famous statue of
+victory, he surveyed the marble form with keen interest.</p>
+
+<p>"Victory, is ut?" he said, "Thin, begorra, Oi'd loike to see the other
+fellow."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WAR</h3>
+
+<p>A report has come from Mexico concerning the doings of three
+revolutionary soldiers who visited a ranch, which was the property of an
+American spinster and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span> her two nieces. The girls are pretty and
+charming, but the aunt is somewhat elderly and much faded, though
+evidently of a dauntless spirit. The three soldiers looked over the
+property and the three women, and then declared that they were tired of
+fighting, and had decided to marry the women and make their home on the
+ranch.</p>
+
+<p>The two girls were greatly distressed and terrified, but even in their
+misery they were unselfish.</p>
+
+<p>"We are but two helpless women," they said in effect, "and if we must,
+we bow to our cruel fate. But please&mdash;oh, please&mdash;spare our dear auntie.
+Do not marry her."</p>
+
+<p>At this point, their old-maid relation spoke up for herself:</p>
+
+<p>"Now, now, you girls&mdash;you mind your own business. War is war."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"How do countries come to go to war?" the little boy inquired, looking
+up from his book.</p>
+
+<p>"For various reasons," explained the father. "Now, there was Germany and
+Russia. They went to war because the Russians mobilized."</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all, my dear," the wife interrupted. "It was because the
+Austrians&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Tut, tut, my love!" the husband remonstrated. "Don't you suppose I
+know?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly not&mdash;you are all wrong. It was because&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Perkins, I tell you it was because&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Benjamin, you ought to know better, you have boggled&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span></p><p>"Your opinion, madam, has not been requested in this matter."</p>
+
+<p>"Shut up! I won't have my child mistaught by an ignoramus."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you dare, you impudent&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"And don't you dare bristle at me, or I'll&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, never mind!" the little boy intervened. "I think I know now how
+wars begin."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>At our entry into the World War, a popular young man enlisted and before
+setting forth for camp in his uniform made a round of farewell calls.
+The girl who first received him made an insistent demand:</p>
+
+<p>"You'll think of me every single minute when you're in those stupid old
+trenches!"</p>
+
+<p>"Every minute," he agreed solemnly.</p>
+
+<p>"And you'll kiss my picture every night."</p>
+
+<p>"Twice a night," he vowed, with the girl's pretty head on the shoulder
+of the new uniform coat.</p>
+
+<p>"And you'll write me long, long letters?" she pleaded.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll write every spare minute," he assured her, "and if I haven't any
+spare minutes, I'll take 'em anyhow."</p>
+
+<p>After a tender interval punctuated with similar ardent promises, he went
+away from there, and called on another girl. In fact, he called on ten
+separate and distinct pretty girls, and each of them was tender and
+sought his promises, which he gave freely and ardently and when it was
+all done with, he communed with himself somewhat sadly.</p>
+
+<p>"I do hope," he said wearily, "there won't be much<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span> fighting to do over
+there&mdash;for I'm going to be awfully busy."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WEATHER</h3>
+
+<p>The old colored attendant at the court house had a formula for
+addressing the judge:</p>
+
+<p>"What's the news this mawnin', Jedge?"</p>
+
+<p>And the judge's habitual reply was to the effect that there was no news
+in particular.</p>
+
+<p>But one morning, in answer to the usual query, there came a variation:</p>
+
+<p>"Our country has declared war against Spain." The darky scratched his
+head thoughtfully, then rolled his eyes to squint at the cloudless blue
+of the sky, and finally remarked in a pleased tone:</p>
+
+<p>"They shohly done picked a fine day fer it."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WHALES</h3>
+
+<p>At the time when petroleum began to be used instead of whale oil for
+burning in lamps, a kindly old lady was deeply perturbed by the change.</p>
+
+<p>"What," she wanted to know, "will the poor whales do now?"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WHISKERS</h3>
+
+<p>An elderly man was on his way home by train from a session of three days
+at a convention of his political<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span> party. (This was antedating the era of
+prohibition.) The man's personal preferences had been gratified in the
+nominations at the convention, and he had celebrated in a way only too
+common in the bibulous period of our history. His absorption in other
+things and of other things had led him to neglect shaving throughout the
+three days. Now, as he chanced to move his hand over his chin, it
+encountered the long growth of white bristles, and he was aroused to a
+realization of his neglect. To determine just how badly he needed a
+shave, the elderly gentleman opened his handbag, and fumbled in it for a
+mirror. In his confused condition, he seized on a silver-backed
+hair-brush of the same set, pulled it forth, and held it up to his face
+with the bristles toward him. He studied these with great care, groaned
+and muttered:</p>
+
+<p>"I look worse than I thought for. Whatever will Sarah Ann say!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WIDOW</h3>
+
+<p>One of the ladies assembled at the club was describing the wedding she
+had just attended:</p>
+
+<p>"And then, just as Frank and the widow started up the aisle to the
+altar, every light in the church went out."</p>
+
+<p>The listeners exclaimed over the catastrophe.</p>
+
+<p>"And what did the couple do then?" someone questioned.</p>
+
+<p>"Kept on going. The widow knew the way."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A widow visited a spiritualistic medium, who <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span>satisfactorily produced
+the deceased husband for a domestic chat.</p>
+
+<p>"Dear John," the widow questioned eagerly, "are you happy now?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am very happy," the spook assured her.</p>
+
+<p>"Happier than you were on earth with me?" the widow continued, greatly
+impressed.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," John asserted, "I am far happier now than I was on earth with
+you."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, do tell me, John," the widow cried rapturously, "what is it like in
+heaven?"</p>
+
+<p>"Heaven!" the answer snapped. "I ain't in heaven!"</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WIDOWHOOD</h3>
+
+<p>During the parade at the last encampment of the G.A.R., a woman in the
+crowd of spectators made herself not only conspicuous, but rather a
+nuisance by the way she carried on. She waved a flag with such vigor as
+to endanger the bystanders and yelled to deafen them. An annoyed man in
+the crowd after politely requesting her to moderate her enthusiasm,
+quite without effect, bluntly told her to shut up.</p>
+
+<p>"Shut up yourself!" she retorted in high indignation. "If you had buried
+two husbands who had served in the war, you would be hurrahing, too."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WIFE</h3>
+
+<p>A young skeptic in the congregation once interrupted Billy Sunday with
+the question:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span></p><p>"Who was Cain's wife?"</p>
+
+<p>The Evangelist answered in all seriousness:</p>
+
+<p>"I honor every seeker after knowledge of the truth. But I have a word of
+warning for this questioner. Don't risk losing salvation by too much
+inquiring after other men's wives."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WILD WOMEN</h3>
+
+<p>The old sea captain was surrounded at the tea party, to which his wife
+had dragged him, much against his will, by a group of women pestering
+him for a story from his adventures. Finally, at the end of his
+patience, he began.</p>
+
+<p>"Once, I was shipwrecked on the coast of South America, and there I came
+across a tribe of wild women, who had no tongues."</p>
+
+<p>"Mercy!" exclaimed all the fair listeners with one voice. "But they
+couldn't talk."</p>
+
+<p>"That," snapped the old sea captain, "was what made them wild."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WISDOM</h3>
+
+<p>It's a wise child that goes out of the room to laugh when the old man
+mashes his thumb.</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WOMAN</h3>
+
+<p>A cynic, considering the fact that women was the last thing made by God,
+asserts that the product shows both His experience and His fatigue.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The following extract is from the diary of a New England woman who lived
+in the eighteenth century:</p>
+
+<p>"We had roast pork for dinner and the Doctor, who carved, held up a rib
+on his fork, and said: 'Here, ladies, is what Mother Eve was made of.'"</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes,' said sister Patty, 'and it is from very much the same kind of
+critter'."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The little girl reported at home what she had learned at Sunday School
+concerning the creation of Adam and Eve:</p>
+
+<p>"The teacher told us how God made the first man and the first woman. He
+made the man first. But the man was very lonely with nobody to talk to
+him. So God put the man to sleep. And while the man was asleep, God took
+out his brains, and made a woman of them."</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WOMAN SUFFRAGE</h3>
+
+<p>During the agitation in behalf of woman's suffrage, an ardent advocate
+pleaded with a tired-looking married woman, and said:</p>
+
+<p>"Just think! Wouldn't you love to go with your husband to the voting
+place, and there cast your vote along with his?"</p>
+
+<p>The woman shook her head decisively and she answered:</p>
+
+<p>"For goodness sake! If there's one single thing that a man's able to do
+by himself, let him do it."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="The_following_pages_have_been_selected_and_edited_by_Lifes_famous" id="The_following_pages_have_been_selected_and_edited_by_Lifes_famous"></a>The following pages have been selected and edited by "Life's" famous contributor</h2>
+
+<h3>+ A. C.</h3>
+
+<hr class="smler" />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL</h3>
+
+<p><i>Oldest Inhabitant:</i> "I never expected to live till the end of the War,
+Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next
+one."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"That's Betty Grant's new maid."</p>
+
+<p>"She's much smarter than her mistress."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, they can't <i>both</i> afford to dress like that."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Father:</i> "Don't know the French for cat, and you had a French nurse for
+years!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Hopeful:</i> "But, Dad, we hadn't got a cat when Adele was with us."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Betty</i> (<i>after flash of lightning</i>): "Count quickly, Jenny! Make it as
+far away as you possibly can."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Employer:</i> "John, I wish you wouldn't whistle at your work."</p>
+
+<p><i>Boy:</i> "I wasn't working, Sir; only whistling."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mistress:</i> "Oh, Jane, how <i>did</i> you break that vase?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Maid:</i> "I'm very sorry, Mum; I was accidentally dusting."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Little Girl</i> (<i>in foreground</i>): "Mother, I suppose the bridegroom
+<i>must</i> come to his wedding."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mistress:</i> "I hope you're doing what you can to economise the food."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span></p><p><i>Cook:</i> "Oh, yes'm. We've put the cat on milk-an'-water."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Raw Hand</i> (<i>at sea for first time and observing steamer's red and green
+lights</i>): "'Ere's some lights on the starboard side, Sir."</p>
+
+<p><i>Officer:</i> "Well, what is it?"</p>
+
+<p><i>R. H.:</i> "Looks to me like a drug store, Sir."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Can you play bridge to-night?"</p>
+
+<p>"Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner."</p>
+
+<p>"What&mdash;do you like the stuff?"</p>
+
+<p>"Frankly, no; but I've heard on the best authority that his music's very
+much better than it sounds."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Master:</i> "But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint is not pewmonia.
+Surely, you've heard me again and again say '<i>pneu</i>monia'?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Man:</i> "Well, Sir, I <i>'ave</i>; but I didn't like to correct you."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Successful Poultry Farmer:</i> "You'd be surprised what a difference these
+incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every
+week."</p>
+
+<p><i>Champion Dog Breeder:</i> "Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find
+names for them all?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Small Boy</i> (<i>who has been promised a visit to the Zoo to-morrow</i>): "I
+hope we shall have a better day for it than Noah had."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mother:</i> "Oh, Mary, why <i>do</i> you wipe your mouth with the back of your
+hand?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mary:</i> "'Cos it's so much cleaner than the front."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mother</i> (<i>to child who has been naughty</i>): "Aren't you rather ashamed
+of yourself?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Child:</i> "Well, Mother, I wasn't. But now that you've suggested it I
+am."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A CONSOLING THOUGHT</h3>
+
+<p><i>Belated Traveller</i> (<i>surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the
+station</i>): "By jove! I believe I shall catch that train after all."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LIFE'S DIFFICULTIES</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mother:</i> "Why, what's the matter, darling?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Small daughter</i> (<i>tearfully</i>): "Oh, Mums, I do so want to give this
+worm to my hen."</p>
+
+<p><i>Mother:</i> "Then why don't you?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Small daughter</i> (<i>with renewed wails</i>): "'C-cos I'm so afraid the worm
+won't like it."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Does God make lions, Mother?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, dear."</p>
+
+<p>"But isn't he frightened to?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Excuse me, officer, but have you seen any pickpockets about here with a
+handkerchief marked 'Susan'?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Green to Mrs. Jones</i> (<i>who is gazing at an aeroplane</i>): "My word!
+I shouldn't care for one of <i>them</i> flying things to settle on me."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>The Woman:</i> "Jazz stockings are the latest thing, dear. Here's a
+picture of a girl with them on."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Man:</i> "What appalling rot! Er&mdash;after you with the paper."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Small Invalid</i> (<i>to visitor</i>): "I've had a lot of diseases in my
+time&mdash;measles&mdash;whooping-cough&mdash;influenza&mdash;tonsilitis&mdash;but (<i>modestly</i>) I
+haven't had dropsy yet."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THE SERVANT PROBLEM</h3>
+
+<p><i>Lady:</i> "And why did your last mistress&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><i>Applicant</i> (<i>loftily</i>): "Excuse me, Madam!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady:</i> "Well&mdash;er&mdash;your last employer&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><i>Applicant:</i> "I beg your pardon, Madam!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady:</i> "Well, then, your last&mdash;er&mdash;pray what do you call those in whose
+service you are engaged?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Applicant:</i> "Clients, Madam."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Small Girl:</i> "I wonder how old Joan is?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Small Boy:</i> "I bet she won't see four again."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mother:</i> "Well, dear, has Jack kissed you under the mistletoe?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mary</i> (<i>demurely</i>): "Yes, Mummy."</p>
+
+<p><i>Mother:</i> "And did you enjoy it?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span></p><p><i>Mary:</i> "Yes, thank you, Mummy; but (<i>very demurely</i>) <i>I struggled</i>."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Mollie, you haven't said your prayers."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm going to say them in bed to-night."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Mollie, that isn't etiquette."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Applicant for Situation:</i> "And 'ow long did yer last cook oblige yer?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TROUBLES OF THE NEW-POOR</h3>
+
+<p>"George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinner
+and&mdash;she's still looking at it through her lorgnette."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"I hear you've taken up golf. What do you go round in?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, usually in a sweater."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Small Boy</i> (<i>walking round links with his father</i>): "Daddy, here's a
+ball for you."</p>
+
+<p><i>Father:</i> "Where did you get that from?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Small Boy:</i> "It's a lost ball, Daddy."</p>
+
+<p><i>Father:</i> "Are you sure it's a lost ball?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Small Boy:</i> "Yes, Daddy; they're still looking for it."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Small Boy</i> (<i>toying with dull blanc-mange</i>): "Please may I have an ice
+instead of finishing this&mdash;'cos I feel sick?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THE NEW APPRECIATION</h3>
+
+<p><i>Wife</i> (<i>habitu&eacute; of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked her
+husband down</i>): "That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, George. I
+wonder who he is?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady:</i> "I've just been making my side ache over your latest book."</p>
+
+<p><i>Author</i> (<i>delighted</i>): "Oh, really. Did you find it so amusing?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady:</i> "Well, the fact is I went to sleep on the top of it."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Employer</i> (<i>inspecting a very inflated bill for work</i>): "Look here&mdash;how
+did you get at this amount?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Odd Jobs Man:</i> "Well, Sir, didn't know how you'd prefer me to charge it
+up, so I just charged by time."</p>
+
+<p><i>Employer:</i> "Oh, really! I thought you must have been charging by
+eternity."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Tourist:</i> "Have you any cold meat?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Waiter:</i> "Well, we have some that's nearly cold, Sir."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady:</i> "If you please, Cook, may we have steak and onions for lunch
+to-day?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Cook:</i> "You can have steak, but I'm afraid I can't let you have onions.
+You see, I'm going out this afternoon, and onions always make my eyes so
+red."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Small Boy</i> (<i>on being told by cousin that she is <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span>engaged to be
+married</i>): "Oh! (<i>long pause</i>) and what did your husband say when he
+engaged you?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Master:</i> "But why do you want to get married, Jones?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Butler:</i> "Well, Sir, <i>I don't want my name to die out</i>."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Artist</i> (<i>in desperation</i>): "That, Sir, I consider the finest in my
+exhibition. You can have it for half the catalogue price."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Visitor:</i> "Bless my soul! You don't say so. By the way, what is the
+price of the catalogue?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mollie, how do you like your new teacher?"</p>
+
+<p>"I half like her, and I half don't like her. But I think I half don't
+like her most."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Please, Mr. Grafto, the gentleman on the next floor presents his
+compliments and says, seeing as how you can foretell the future, would
+you be so good as to let him know how long it will be before your bath
+stops overflowing through his ceiling?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Old Lady</i> (<i>interrogating her chauffeur's small boy</i>): "Well, my little
+man, and do you know who I am?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Small Boy:</i> "Yes, you're the old lady what goes for rides in my daddy's
+car."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Parent:</i> "I should like you to have 'good' in your report, and not
+always 'fair.'"</p>
+
+<p><i>Young Hopeful:</i> "I daresay you would, Dad. But,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span> you see, I'm an
+ordinary boy of ordinary parents, and that's an ordinary report."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Optimist:</i> "Cheer up, old man. Things aren't as bad as they seem."</p>
+
+<p><i>Pessimist:</i> "No, but they seem so."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">OUR MODERN INFANT</h3>
+
+<p><i>Genial Uncle:</i> "Well, old chap, we've not done anything together for a
+long time. How about the Zoo next Sunday, eh?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Small Boy:</i> "Thanks very much. I can't say off-hand, but I'll ring you
+up."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Little Girl</i> (<i>to Bride at wedding reception</i>): "You don't look nearly
+as tired as I should have thought."</p>
+
+<p><i>Bride:</i> "Don't I, dear? But why did you think I should look tired?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Little Girl:</i> "Well, I heard Mummy say to Dad that you'd been running
+after Mr. Goldmore for months and months."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A SUBTLE DISTINCTION</h3>
+
+<p>"I say&mdash;come and dance. This is a toppin' fox-trot they're playin'."</p>
+
+<p>"Thanks&mdash;but I'm only waltzing this evening. We're still in mourning,
+you know."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Specialist</i> (<i>to patient suffering from insomnia</i>):<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span> "And did you try
+my plan of counting sheep coming through a gate?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Patient:</i> "Well, I counted up to a hundred and twenty thousand and
+thirty-nine, and then it was time to get up."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Neighbor</i> (<i>bearer of message, to billiard enthusiast</i>): "You're wanted
+at 'ome, Charlie. Yer wife's just presented yer with another rebate off
+yer income-tax."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Joan</i> (<i>whose mother has just bought her a pair of woolen gloves</i>):
+"Oh, Mummy, I wish you had got kid. I hate this kind; they make my
+sweets so hairy."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>to applicant for situation as cook</i>): "Have you been accustomed
+to have a kitchen-maid under you?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Cook:</i> "In these days we never speak of having people 'under us.' But I
+have had colleagues."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Father:</i> "Look here, Billy, Mr. Smith called at the office this morning
+about your fight with his boy yesterday."</p>
+
+<p><i>Son:</i> "Did he? I hope you got on as well as I did."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Artist</i> (<i>condescendingly</i>): "I did this last summer. It really isn't
+much good."</p>
+
+<p><i>Candid Friend:</i> "No, it certainly isn't. But who told you?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BLUE BLOOD</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Profiteer:</i> "Is this a pedigree dog?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Dealer:</i> "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal
+could only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Small Bridesmaid</i> (<i>loudly, in middle of ceremony</i>): "Mummie, are we
+all getting married?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Small Girl:</i> "To-day's my mummy's wedding-day."</p>
+
+<p><i>Smaller Girl</i> (<i>with air of superiority</i>): "<i>My</i> mummy was married
+<i>years</i> ago."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"</p>
+
+<p>"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more
+yer does a bit o' work for it."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Office Boy</i> (<i>anxious to go to football match</i>): "May I have the
+afternoon off, Sir? My grand&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><i>Employer:</i> "Oh, yes, I've heard that before. Your grandmother died last
+week."</p>
+
+<p><i>Office Boy:</i> "Yes, Sir; but&mdash;my grandfather's getting married again
+this afternoon."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Minister's Wife:</i> "My husband was asking only this morning why you
+weren't in the habit of attending church."</p>
+
+<p><i>Latest Inhabitant:</i> "Well, you see, it does so cut into one's
+Sundays."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Two mistakes here, waiter&mdash;one in your favor, one in mine."</p>
+
+<p>"In <i>your</i> favor, Sir? Where?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mistress:</i> "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."</p>
+
+<p><i>Cook:</i> "You don't catch me crackin' no more nuts to-day. I've very near
+broke me jaw already."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Gushing Lady:</i> "Yes, she's married to a lawyer, and a good honest
+fellow too."</p>
+
+<p><i>Cynic:</i> "Bigamist!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mother:</i> "Augustus, you naughty boy, you've been smoking. Do you feel
+very bad, dear?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Augustus:</i> "Thank you&mdash;I'm only dying."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>New Butler:</i> "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Profiteer:</i> "What time do the best people dine?"</p>
+
+<p><i>New Butler:</i> "At different times, Sir."</p>
+
+<p><i>Profiteer:</i> "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Fond Mamma:</i> "I sometimes think, Percy, you don't treat your dear
+father with quite the proper respect."</p>
+
+<p><i>Young Hopeful</i>; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Playful Hostess:</i> "Couldn't you manage one more <i>&eacute;clair?</i>"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span></p><p><i>Serious Little Boy:</i> "No, fanks, I've no more room."</p>
+
+<p><i>Playful Hostess:</i> "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would
+that help?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Serious Little Boy (after deep thought):</i> "No, fanks, that would make
+the space at the wrong end."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Vicar's Wife:</i> "What are you children doing in daddy's study?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Ethel:</i> "It's a great secret, Mummy. We're giving daddy a new bible for
+his birthday."</p>
+
+<p><i>Vicar's Wife:</i> "Oh&mdash;and what are you writing in it?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Ethel:</i> "Well, you see, we thought we'd better copy what daddy's
+friends put in the books they give him, so we're writing, 'With the
+author's compliments.'"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THE OBSTACLE</h3>
+
+<p><i>George:</i> "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it
+hadn't been for something she said."</p>
+
+<p><i>Fred:</i> "What did she say?"</p>
+
+<p><i>George:</i> "No!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CHANGING THE SUBJECT</h3>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talk
+about myself all evening."</p>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "I'm sure we couldn't find anything better."</p>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "Very well, then! Suppose <i>you</i> talk about me for a while."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"I say, Taxi, I've only got enough change to pay the exact fare. D'you
+mind taking a cheque for the tip?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A CHANCE LOST</h3>
+
+<p>"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?"</p>
+
+<p>"I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of argument
+if he had said <i>which</i> one."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "I never knew until to-day that the Rev. Dr. Preachly married an
+actress."</p>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "Oh, yes! It is she who rehearses him in those beautiful
+extempore sermons he preaches."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DURING THE QUARREL</h3>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "But if you will allow me to&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you're quite mistaken
+and I can prove it."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CONDITIONAL</h3>
+
+<p><i>Eloping Bride:</i> "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say
+when he gets our letter."</p>
+
+<p><i>Bridegroom:</i> "It can't make any difference to our happiness,
+darling&mdash;so long as he doesn't <i>do</i> it when we get back."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">JUST IGNORANCE</h3>
+
+<p><i>He</i> (<i>dejectedly</i>): "I'm sure I don't see why our parents won't give
+their consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel."</p>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fogies like they are to know
+anything about <i>love</i>?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ALL IN ONE BREATH</h3>
+
+<p><i>Wife:</i> "I'm afraid you'll think me rather extravagant, dear, but I
+spent ten dollars to-day on a boat, and a train, and a fire-engine, and
+a box of soldiers, and some nine pins for Freddie's birthday. By the
+way, what are <i>you</i> going to buy him?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A YOUNG PHILOSOPHER</h3>
+
+<p>"Mamma!"</p>
+
+<p>"What is it, dear?"</p>
+
+<p>"It seems to me that a 'silly question' is something that you don't know
+the answer to."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FEMININITY</h3>
+
+<p><i>Julia:</i> "Fanny married a very wealthy man, you know. She tells me she
+has absolutely nothing to wish for."</p>
+
+<p><i>Gertrude:</i> "Oh, Julia! What a dreadful state to be in."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">GETTING EVEN</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Lynks:</i> "Jack, I have made up my mind to fine you ten cents every
+time you swear."</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Lynks:</i> "That's a bargain, if you'll give me ten cents every time
+you envy me for being able to."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A SOOTHING EFFECT</h3>
+
+<p>"Do you miss your husband as much as when he first went away?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I am becoming reconciled. You see he sent me a power of attorney."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">IN THAT CASE</h3>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "When one is really thirsty, there is nothing so good as pure,
+cold water."</p>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "I guess I have never been really thirsty."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A QUALIFIED STATEMENT</h3>
+
+<p>"Well! we've missed that confounded train. What time will the next one
+be here?"</p>
+
+<p>"If the engine doesn't break down, and the track doesn't spread, and
+they don't run into any cows, and the up-freight isn't behind time, and
+the swing bridge isn't open, it ought to be here in about two hours."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>The Count:</i> "I weesh to marry your daughtaire, saire! I am vorth one
+hundred thousand dollaire."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span></p><p><i>The Millionaire:</i> "But I thought you were a bankrupt."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Count:</i> "I mean zat I am vorth zat moch <i>to you</i>."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose your landlord asks a lot for the rent of this place?"</p>
+
+<p>"A lot! He asks me for it nearly every week."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mother</i> (<i>to little girl who had been sent to the hen-house for eggs</i>):
+"Well, dear, were there no eggs?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Little Girl:</i> "No, mummie, only the one the hens use for a pattern."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"It's funny that you should be so tall. Your brother, the artist, is
+short, isn't he?"</p>
+
+<p><i>He</i> (<i>absently</i>): "Yes, usually."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Urchin</i> (<i>contemptuously</i>): "Huh! Yer mother takes in washin'!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Neighbor:</i> "Well, yer didn't s'pose she'd leave it hangin' aht
+overnight unless your farver was in prison, did yer?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HIS SPHERE</h3>
+
+<p>"His versatility is something extraordinary."</p>
+
+<p>"I had an idea he was rather stupid."</p>
+
+<p>"That's just it. I never met a man who could make more different kinds
+of a fool of himself."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Poetic Bridegroom:</i> "I could sit here forever, gazing into your eyes,
+and listening to the wash of the ocean."</p>
+
+<p><i>Practical Bride:</i> "Oh! That reminds me, darling, we have not paid our
+laundry bill yet."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A LOVERS' QUARREL</h3>
+
+<p><i>George:</i> "Why don't Jack and Laura make up?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Kate:</i> "'Sh! They'd like to, but unfortunately they can't remember what
+they quarreled about."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A DREADFUL POSSIBILITY</h3>
+
+<p><i>Elsie:</i> "When is my birthday, Mother?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Her Mother:</i> "On the thirty-first of this month, dear."</p>
+
+<p><i>Elsie:</i> "Oh! Mother! Supposing this month had had only thirty days,
+where would I have been?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">GETTING RECKLESS</h3>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "I'm surprised at Jane's staying out in the boat all this time
+with a comparative stranger. A woman of thirty is old enough to know
+better."</p>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "Aren't you afraid she is <i>too old</i> to know better?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"I shall never find anyone else like you. You see, you're so different
+from other girls."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, but you'll find lots of other girls different from other girls."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">RETROACTIVE</h3>
+
+<p>"You know you should love your neighbor as yourself."</p>
+
+<p>"But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always end by hating
+myself."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Pupil:</i> "What I want to know is, am I a bass or a baritone?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Teacher:</i> "No&mdash;you're not."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">APOLOGIZING</h3>
+
+<p>"Oh! Are you really a mind-reader?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes! I am."</p>
+
+<p>"Then I hope you aren't offended. I didn't mean what I thought about
+you."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DENIED THE PRIVILEGE</h3>
+
+<p><i>The Child:</i> "Mother! Did you buy a ticket for me?"</p>
+
+<p><i>The Mother:</i> "No, dear! They don't charge for little boys."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Child:</i> "Is that 'cos we're too little to reach the straps?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A GOOD PLAN</h3>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "The Burrowes are having their wooden wedding next week. What can
+we give them?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span></p><p>"We might send them a receipt for some of the money he owes me."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ENFRANCHISEMENT OF WOMAN</h3>
+
+<p><i>First Voter:</i> "So Mr. Jones has been elected. You voted for him, of
+course?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Voter:</i> "No, I voted for the other man. You see, Mr. Jones
+supported Woman's Suffrage, which I abhor."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FAMILIARITY, ETC.</h3>
+
+<p>"I'm so glad to see you. And how did you enjoy your visit to the South?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, not very much! There wasn't a soul where I was staying except
+intimate friends."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">REASSURING</h3>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "Oh! Jack! Are you perfectly certain that you love me?"</p>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "My darling! You don't suppose that I have lived for thirty years
+without knowing love when I feel it."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HOW IT HAPPENED</h3>
+
+<p>"What! You don't mean to tell me they are engaged! Why! They never met
+until a week ago."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span></p><p>"I know it. But they happened, while out rowing together, to get caught
+in a thunder storm."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A LINGUIST</h3>
+
+<p>"She is one of the most remarkable women I ever met."</p>
+
+<p>"In what way?"</p>
+
+<p>"She can keep silence in four different languages."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THE DIFFERENCE</h3>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "I'm so glad we're engaged."</p>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "But you knew all the time that I loved you, didn't you?"</p>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "Yes, dear, I knew it, but you didn't."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THE ROAD TO&mdash;&mdash;, ETC.</h3>
+
+<p>"Well, what are you sneering about? You don't seem to have much faith in
+my good resolutions."</p>
+
+<p>"I was just wondering if you had taken the paving contract for the next
+world."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CLASSIFIED</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Bargain:</i> "Oh, Ethel! I have just talked Edward into giving me the
+money for a new hat."</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Bargain:</i> "Which I shall enter in my accounts as 'Hush Money.'"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A SOLUTION</h3>
+
+<p><i>The Mistress:</i> "Oh, Jane, if I had known who sent those flowers I would
+have returned them unopened."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Maid:</i> "Shure, Miss, couldn't ye take a few out, and sind the rist
+back unopened?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ENCOURAGING</h3>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray of
+hope before I leave you forever?"</p>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "Er&mdash;that clock is half an hour fast."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">AN ALIAS</h3>
+
+<p><i>Miss Hen:</i> "I demand an explanation! You told me that your name was
+plain 'Mr. Rooster,' and that poet just now addressed you as
+'Chanticleer'!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>to prospective daily housemaid</i>): "The hours will be from nine
+to six-thirty, with an hour and a half off for dinner."</p>
+
+<p><i>D. H.:</i> "For <i>luncheon</i>, I suppose you mean. And I should have to leave
+at six, as I always dine at my club and have to dress first."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CHANGING PLACES</h3>
+
+<p>"They say that she was his stenographer before marriage."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span></p><p>"She has evidently reversed the order of things."</p>
+
+<p>"How so?"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>She</i> does the dictating now."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ECONOMY</h3>
+
+<p><i>Young Husband:</i> "I see that sugar has gone down two points."</p>
+
+<p><i>Young Wife:</i> "Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds to-day, then."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Best Man</i> (<i>seeing couple off on honeymoon</i>): "Here you are&mdash;just a few
+magazines to help pass away the time."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Hostess</i> (<i>to small guest, who is casting lingering glances at the
+cakes</i>): "I don't think you can eat any more of those cakes, can you,
+John?"</p>
+
+<p><i>John:</i> "No, I don't think I can. But may I stroke them?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Househunter:</i> "I don't care for those flats we looked at to-day.
+The rooms are too narrow, and the ceilings are too low."</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Househunter:</i> "But they are cheap, dear; and you and I are neither
+very wide nor very high."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">QUALIFIED</h3>
+
+<p><i>The Leading Woman:</i> "How does Garrette rank as an actor?"</p>
+
+<p><i>The Comedian:</i> "He doesn't&mdash;he is."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CLAIMING ACQUAINTANCE</h3>
+
+<p><i>Chimmie:</i> "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight&mdash;me cousin used ter go ter
+school wid'm."</p>
+
+<p><i>Billie:</i> "Dat ain't nuthin'&mdash;me brudder had t'ree front teet' knocked
+out by'm onct."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FROM THE HEART</h3>
+
+<p><i>The Wife:</i> "I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account of
+the weather."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Husband:</i> "Humph! And I suppose by the time it clears up the
+fashion will have changed."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>The Reporter:</i> "I beg pardon, but would you be kind enough to tell me
+what blow you will knock Fitzmuggins out with to-morrow night?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Sledge-hammer Mike:</i> "De solar plexus."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Reporter:</i> "And er&mdash;if you get beaten, what will your&mdash;er&mdash;weak
+spot have been?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">AN ARGUMENT</h3>
+
+<p>"This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense."</p>
+
+<p>"Why do you say so?"</p>
+
+<p>"Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by the very people who
+are idiots enough to sit out all day waiting for them to bite."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THE SECRET</h3>
+
+<p><i>The Man of Theory:</i> "The great secret of happiness lies in being
+content with one's lot."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Man of Practice:</i> "But it has to be a whole lot."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WANTS HER RIGHTS</h3>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "There is nothing like experience after all. She is our greatest
+teacher."</p>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "And there is no holding back her salary, either."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"And are you a good needlewoman and renovator, and willing to be
+useful?"</p>
+
+<p>"Madam, I am afraid there is some misunderstanding. I am a lady's
+maid&mdash;not a useful maid."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">GETTING BACK</h3>
+
+<p><i>Customer to Palmist:</i> "Five dollars fee? Er&mdash;would you have any
+objection to waiting until I get some of the money you say is coming to
+me?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Betty:</i> "Mummy, does God send us our food?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mother:</i> "Yes, dear; of course He does."</p>
+
+<p><i>Betty:</i> "But what a price!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DURING VACATION</h3>
+
+<p><i>The Summer Girl:</i> "It pains me to be compelled to say so, but I really
+cannot become engaged to you."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span></p><p><i>The Summer Man:</i> "Well&mdash;er&mdash;could you manage to be a sister to me for a
+couple of weeks?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NOT UNIQUE</h3>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "Crowded, were you? I thought you went early to avoid the rush."</p>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "So I did; but about five thousand other people did the same
+thing."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A NOBLE AIM</h3>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "Have you heard anything about the woman's Reform Club?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, its object seems to be to reform everything except the Club and
+everybody except the members."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ONCE TOO OFTEN</h3>
+
+<p>"Yes, dear, I'm going out to-night. I've been asked to take supper with
+an old comrade in arms."</p>
+
+<p>"By the way, darling, how many men did your regiment muster?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Phwat's the matter wid yez, Regan? Yez look hurted."</p>
+
+<p>"Faith! Lasht noight Oi tould Casey phwat Oi thought av him, an' ut
+appears he thought worse av me."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CAUSE AND EFFECT</h3>
+
+<p>"What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons must witness."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they run over some one."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer says I may
+have him for a song. Would you advise me to buy him?"</p>
+
+<p>"That depends upon your eye for a horse and his ear for music."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SYMPATHY</h3>
+
+<p><i>Freddie</i> (<i>aged six</i>): "Mother, you know that lovely purse you gave me
+for my birfday?"</p>
+
+<p><i>His Mother:</i> "Yes, dear! What of it?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Freddie:</i> "It makes me feel orful to think of it just lyin' in the
+drawer 'ithout a cent in its stummick."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SLIGHTED</h3>
+
+<p>"I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence, and am quite ready
+to be friends again."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Misunderstanding</i>, indeed! If you had any <i>feeling</i> you'd call it a
+quarrel."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">GOING FURTHER</h3>
+
+<p><i>Flora:</i> "I think that Maud has been awfully mean to you. If I were you
+I'd get even with her."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span></p><p><i>Dora:</i> "Getting even with her won't satisfy <i>me</i>. <i>I'm</i> going to get
+<i>uneven</i> with her."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">GETTING ON</h3>
+
+<p><i>Old Gentleman:</i> "Well, children! and what are you learning at school?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Small Boy:</i> "Oh, she's learning to make paper dolls and I'm learning to
+knock spots out of Willie Jones."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LITERALLY</h3>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "I understand that she fairly threw herself at him."</p>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "Yes! They met in an automobile collision."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">AN EXTENSIVE LOVE</h3>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "They say that he fairly worships the ground she walks on."</p>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "That's saying a good deal when you consider what a golf fiend she
+is."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CAUSE AND EFFECT</h3>
+
+<p>"The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill."</p>
+
+<p>"Sour grapes always <i>did</i> have that effect."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NO DISSENSION</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Storme:</i> "How is your Debating Society getting along?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Karn:</i> "Very well. We have forty members, and we all agree
+beautifully."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Why are they not speaking?"</p>
+
+<p>"They quarreled about which loved the other the more."</p>
+
+<p>"Well!"</p>
+
+<p>"And now each is afraid to give in for fear of offending the other."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">IN KEEPING</h3>
+
+<p>"I really believe he married her only because he wanted a good
+housekeeper."</p>
+
+<p>"And now I suppose he wishes he could give her a month's warning."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HE KNEW</h3>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr.
+and Mrs. Rigby."</p>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "Humph! I know! Each of them does exactly as <i>she</i> likes."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ARRANGED TO FIT</h3>
+
+<p><i>Elsie:</i> "Mummy! if I wuz a fairy I'd change every-fing into cake, an'
+eat it all up."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span></p><p><i>Mother:</i> "I'm afraid such a lot of cake would make you sick."</p>
+
+<p><i>Elsie:</i> "Oh! but I'd change myself into a Nelephant first."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PROBABLY</h3>
+
+<p>"I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can you
+suggest?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as well as anything."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SURE SIGNS</h3>
+
+<p>"Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?"</p>
+
+<p>"Twins."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SUCH A WASTE</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Bizzy:</i> "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing
+the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Casey:</i> "Faith, Ma'am! That's what Oi do be afther complainin' av.
+'Twas a whole set av dishes broke to pieces an' she niver hit me wanst."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TOO ONE-SIDED</h3>
+
+<p>"What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive and
+forget."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span></p><p>"That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you are always
+forgetting."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DISCRETION</h3>
+
+<p><i>Miss Bizzy:</i> "I am glad to hear that you are married, O'Brien, and hope
+that you and Bridget don't have many differences of opinion."</p>
+
+<p><i>O'Brien:</i> "Faith, ma'am, we have a good many, but Oi don't let her know
+about them."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BETTER UNSAID</h3>
+
+<p><i>Cholly Lyttlebrayne:</i> "Yes, the doctors saved my life, but it cost me
+over a thousand dollars."</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Thotless:</i> "Oh! Mr. Lyttlebrayne, what extravagance!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LETTING HIM KNOW</h3>
+
+<p><i>Flora:</i> "I'm writing to tell Jack that I didn't mean what I said in my
+last letter."</p>
+
+<p><i>Dora:</i> "What did you say in your last letter?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Flora:</i> "That I didn't mean what I said in the one before."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WHY, INDEED</h3>
+
+<p><i>The Husband:</i> "Why is it that women always say, 'I'll be ready in two
+seconds'?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</a></span></p><p><i>The Wife:</i> "Humph! and why is it that men always say, 'Oh! <i>I'm</i> ready
+<i>now</i>'?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Madge:</i> "Have you given Jack your final answer yet?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mabel:</i> "Not yet&mdash;but I have given him my final 'No.'"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ONLY THEIR WAY</h3>
+
+<p><i>First Lady</i> (<i>effusively</i>): "I am <i>more</i> than <i>charmed</i> to see you, my
+<i>dear</i> Mrs.&mdash;er&mdash;um&mdash;."</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Lady</i> (<i>more effusively</i>): "How <i>lovely</i> of you! So am I
+<i>delighted</i>. I <i>do</i> hope we'll meet again <i>very</i>, <span class="smcap">very</span> soon, my
+<i>dearest</i> Mrs.&mdash;um&mdash;er&mdash;."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">INADVERTENT</h3>
+
+<p><i>Prospective Bride:</i> "I am glad I decided to be married in a traveling
+dress&mdash;a wedding dress costs such a lot."</p>
+
+<p><i>Dressmaker:</i> "Yes, miss, and the next time you wanted to wear it, it
+would be out of fashion."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MAKING SURE</h3>
+
+<p>"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his
+parents."</p>
+
+<p>"I thought he had dozens of your photos."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MORE DESPERATE STILL</h3>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "Oh! there's no use of my giving you any hope, because I cannot
+believe in love in a cottage."</p>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "But I've known cases of love in a four-room flat, with steam-heat
+and all improvements."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SYMPATHY</h3>
+
+<p><i>The Tabby-Cat:</i> "I am just heart-broken! I had six of the loveliest
+kittens, and they went and gave one away!"</p>
+
+<p><i>The Parrot:</i> "Wasn't it too bad of them&mdash;to go and break the set?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">POPULAR OPINION</h3>
+
+<p><i>First Burglar:</i> "Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de leg I broke doin'
+dat second-story job didn't do a t'ing but soak me fifty plunks!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Burglar:</i> "Oh, say, wasn't that robbery?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MORE OPPORTUNITY</h3>
+
+<p><i>The Wife:</i> "Really, my dear, you are awfully extravagant. Our neighbor,
+Mr. Flint, is just twice as self-denying as you are."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Husband:</i> "But he has just twice as much money to be self-denying
+with."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Jacky, dear, your hands are frightfully dirty."</p>
+
+<p>"Not 'frightfully,' mummy. A lot of that's shading."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>The Ant:</i> "Well, we've struck!"</p>
+
+<p><i>The Gnat:</i> "What for?"</p>
+
+<p><i>The Ant:</i> "Longer hours."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Effie:</i> "George and I have been down-stairs in the dining-room, Mr.
+Mitcham. We've been playing Husband and Wife!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Mitcham:</i> "How did you do that, my dear?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Effie:</i> "Why, Georgy sat at one end of the table, and I sat at the
+other; and Georgy said, 'This food isn't fit to eat!' and I said, 'It's
+all you'll get!' and Georgy said, 'Damn!' and I got up and left the
+room!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NOT WHAT SHE MEANT</h3>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "I am sorry to hear that they have separated. Is there no chance
+of their becoming reconciled?"</p>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "Oh, they seem to be <i>quite</i> reconciled."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "By the bye, talking of old times, do you remember that occasion
+when I made such an awful ass of myself?"</p>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "Which?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones</i> (<i>who is of an inquiring mind</i>): "Ain't you getting <i>tired</i> of
+hearing people say, 'That is the beautiful Miss Belsize!'?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</a></span></p><p><i>Miss Belsize</i> (<i>a professional beauty</i>): "Oh, no. I'm getting tired of
+hearing people say, 'Is <i>that</i> the beautiful Miss Belsize?'"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Montague Smart</i> (<i>suddenly, to bashful youth, who has not opened
+his lips since he was introduced to her a quarter of an hour ago</i>): "And
+now let us talk of something else!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mamma:</i> "It's very late, Emily. Has anybody taken you down to supper?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Fair Debutante</i> (<i>who has a fine healthy appetite</i>): "Oh, yes,
+Mamma&mdash;several people!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Guest:</i> "Well, good-bye, Old Man!&mdash;and you've really got a very nice
+little place here!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Host:</i> "Yes; but it's rather bare, just now. I hope the trees will have
+grown a good bit before you're back, Old Man!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "No! I can't give you another dance. But I'll introduce you to
+the prettiest girl in the room!"</p>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "But I don't <i>want</i> to dance with the prettiest girl in the room.
+I want to dance with <i>you</i>!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"I warn you, Sir! The discourtesy of this bank is beyond all limits. One
+word more and I&mdash;I withdraw my overdraft."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Wife</i> (<i>at upper window</i>): "Where you bin this hour of the night?"</p>
+
+<p>"I've bin at me union, considerin' this 'ere strike."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</a></span></p><p>"Well&mdash;you can stay down there an' consider this 'ere lock-out."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Motor-Launch Officer</i> (<i>who has rung for full-speed without result</i>):
+"What's the matter?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Voice-from below:</i> "One of the cylinders is missing, Sir."</p>
+
+<p><i>Commander:</i> "Well, look sharp and find the bally thing&mdash;we want to get
+on."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mother:</i> "Did you remember to pray for everybody, dear?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Daughter:</i> "Well, Mummy, I prayed for you, but Jack prayed for Daddy.
+He's looking after him just now."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">JUSTIFICATION</h3>
+
+<p><i>Wife:</i> "<i>Two</i> bottles of ginger ale, dear?"</p>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our
+wedding-day?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>First Flapper:</i> "The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as if I
+hadn't paid any fare."</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Flapper:</i> "And what did you do?"</p>
+
+<p><i>First Flapper:</i> "I just glared back at him&mdash;as if I had!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mollie</i> (<i>who has been naughty and condemned to "no toast"</i>): "Oh,
+Mummy! Anything but that! I'd rather have a hard smack&mdash;<i>anywhere you
+like</i>."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</a></span></p><p><i>Lady</i> (<i>to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet dog</i>): "And if
+you find you can't cure him, Doctor, will you please put him out of
+pain?&mdash;and of course you must charge me just as for an ordinary
+patient."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Governess:</i> "Well, Mollie, what are little girls made of?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mollie:</i> "Sugar and spice and all that's nice."</p>
+
+<p><i>Governess:</i> "And what are little boys made of?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mollie:</i> "Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails. I told Bobbie that
+yesterday, and he could <i>hardly</i> believe it."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"I say, dear old bean, will you lend me your motor-bike?"</p>
+
+<p>"Of course. Why ask?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I couldn't find the beastly thing."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Irate Parent:</i> "While you stood at the gate bidding my daughter
+good-night, did it ever dawn upon you&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><i>The Suitor:</i> "Certainly not, sir! I never stayed as late as that."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Wife:</i> "My dear, we've simply got to change our family doctor. He's so
+absent-minded. Why, this afternoon he was examining me with his
+stethoscope, and while he was listening he called out suddenly, 'Halloa!
+Who is it speaking?'"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Goodheart:</i> "I am soliciting for the poor. What do you do with
+your cast-off clothing?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</a></span></p><p><i>Mr. Hardup:</i> "I hang them up carefully and go to bed. Then I put them
+on again in the morning."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"What's the matter, little boy?" said the kindhearted man. "Are you
+lost?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," was the manful answer; "I ain't lost; I'm here. But I'd like to
+know where father and mother have wandered to."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Helen's elder sister:</i> "You know, all the stars are worlds like ours."</p>
+
+<p><i>Helen:</i> "Well, I shouldn't like to live on one&mdash;it would be so horrid
+when it twinkled."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Can I 'ave the arternoon off to see a bloke abaht a job fer my missis?"</p>
+
+<p>"You'll be back in the morning, I suppose?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yus&mdash;if she don't get it."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Child:</i> "Mother, I <i>have</i> been good to-day&mdash;so patient with Nurse."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The schoolmaster was explaining what to do in case of fire. The pupils
+listened with respectful attention until he came to his final
+instruction.</p>
+
+<p>"Above all things," he said, "if your clothing catches fire, remain
+cool."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Wife:</i> "Yes, dear. I thought I'd buy you something you'd never think of
+buying for yourself."</p>
+
+<p><i>Husband</i> (<i>as he gazes with horror at the canary-colored socks</i>): "Yes,
+dear, and you have succeeded."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[Pg 287]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Podger</i> (<i>to new acquaintance</i>): "I wonder if that fat old girl is
+really trying to flirt with me?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Cooler:</i> "I can easily find out by asking her&mdash;she is my wife."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Young Husband:</i> "It seems to me, my dear, that there is something wrong
+with this cake."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Bride</i> (<i>smiling triumphantly</i>): "That shows what you know about
+it. The cookery book says it's perfectly delicious."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Wife</i> (<i>referring to guest</i>): "He's a most attractive man; is he
+married?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Husband:</i> "I dunno. He's a reserved chap&mdash;keeps all his troubles to
+himself!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Questioning a class, an inspector asked:</p>
+
+<p>"If you were to say to me, 'You was here yesterday,' would that be
+right?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir," was the reply.</p>
+
+<p>"And why not?"</p>
+
+<p>"Please, sir, because you wasn't."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Salesman:</i> "Another advantage of this machine, madam, is that it is
+fool-proof."</p>
+
+<p><i>Sweet Thing</i> (<i>placidly</i>): "No doubt, to the ordinary kind. But you
+don't know my husband."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>The Stage Manager:</i> "Now then, we're all ready, run up the curtain."</p>
+
+<p><i>The New Hand:</i> "Wot yer talkin' about&mdash;'run up the curtain'&mdash;think I'm
+a bloomin' squirrel?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Old Gentleman</i> (<i>to new gardener</i>): "Why do you always pull your barrow
+instead of pushing it?"</p>
+
+<p><i>The Gardener:</i> "'Cause I 'ates the sight of the blooming thing."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"My dear, you're not going to the links to-day?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes, Auntie. I shall try and put in a round."</p>
+
+<p>"But it's <i>pouring</i>! Why, I wouldn't send a dog out to golf in such
+weather."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>who has purchased a ready-made dress</i>): "Tiresome this dress
+is. The fasteners come undone as quick as you do them up."</p>
+
+<p><i>Cook</i> (<i>acting as lady's-maid</i>): "Yes'm, they do. That's why I wouldn't
+have it myself when I tried it on at the shop the other day."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HIS REPUTATION</h3>
+
+<p><i>Waitress:</i> "He ain't no good, Lil&mdash;he's one of these fellers wot
+chooses the price first an' then runs his fingers along the bill o' fare
+to see wot he gets for it."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NOT UP-TO-DATE</h3>
+
+<p><i>Penelope:</i> "What made George and Alice break their engagement?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Clarissa:</i> "He complained that she was too 'Effeminate' for the present
+day."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Some wise person once said that silence was golden, did he not?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[Pg 289]</a></span></p><p>"I believe so. Why?"</p>
+
+<p>"I was just thinking how extravagant some women are."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NOT RESTRICTED</h3>
+
+<p>"That gentleman who is being introduced to Miss Binks is a free
+thinker."</p>
+
+<p>"Which is he, a bachelor or a widower?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>John:</i> "Yew wait here, Mirandy, while I buy your ticket."</p>
+
+<p><i>Mirandy:</i> "Daon't yew dew it, John; yew can't say fer <i>sure</i> that the
+train'll show up&mdash;I don't never believe in payin' fer a thing 'til I git
+it."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>The Wife:</i> "Oh, you needn't sneer! I mean every word I say."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm not sneering, my dear. I'm just thinking what a lot you must mean."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>The Escort:</i> Who's that fellow who seems to know you?</p>
+
+<p><i>The Lady:</i> Only a second cousin once removed.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Escort:</i> Hm! Well, he looks as if he wanted removing again.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Voice</i> (<i>far off</i>): Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo!</p>
+
+<p><i>Satiated Camper:</i> All right, all right! Who's arguing about it?</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[Pg 290]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A GREAT ATHLETE</h3>
+
+<p>Micky Bryan and Patsy Kelly had been schoolmates together, but they had
+drifted apart in after life. They met one day, and the conversation
+turned on athletics.</p>
+
+<p>"Did ye ivir meet my bruther Dennis?" asked Pat. "He has just won a gold
+medal in a foot race."</p>
+
+<p>"Bedad," replied Mike. "Sure, an' thot's foine. But did I ivir tell ye
+about my uncle at Ballycluna?"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't remember," replied Pat.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Mike, "he's got a gold medal for five miles, an' one for
+ten miles, two sets of carvers for cycling, a silver medal for swimming,
+two cups for wrestling, an' badges for boxing an' rowing!"</p>
+
+<p>"Begorra," said Pat, "he must have bin a wonderful athlete, indade!"</p>
+
+<p>"Shure, an' he's no athlete at all&mdash;at all," came the reply. "He kapes
+the pawnshop!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NOTHING NEW TO HIM</h3>
+
+<p>The motor car was driven by a determined young woman, who had knocked
+down a man without injuring him much.</p>
+
+<p>She did not try to get away. Instead, she stopped the car, descended to
+the solid earth and faced him manfully.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm sorry it happened," she said grudgingly, "but it was all your
+fault. You must have been walking carelessly. I'm an experienced driver.
+I've been driving a car for seven years."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[Pg 291]</a></span></p><p>"Well," replied her victim angrily, "I'm not a novice myself. I've been
+walking for fifty-seven years."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>to pedlar</i>): "No, thank you, we never buy anything at the
+door."</p>
+
+<p><i>Pedlar:</i> "Then I've just the thing for you, Madam. You will, I am sure,
+appreciate these tasteful little 'No Pedlars' notices."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>There is a lot to be said for the cheap car, we read. Yes; but it is
+just as well not to say it when there are women and children around.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mother:</i> It is rude to whisper, Humphrey.</p>
+
+<p><i>Humphrey</i> (<i>aged five</i>): Well, I was saying what a funny nose that
+man's got. So you see it would have been much ruder if I'd said it
+aloud.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>She</i> (<i>pouting</i>): You don't value my kisses as you used to.</p>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> Value them? Why, before we were married I used to expect a dozen
+in payment for a box of candy, and now I consider only one of them
+sufficient payment for a new dress.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">KNOWLEDGE</h3>
+
+<p>The son of the family was home on his first vacation since he had
+attained to the dignity of college prefect.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[Pg 292]</a></span> He and his father were
+discussing affairs of the day, and finally the boy remarked: "Say, Guv,
+I hope when I am as old as you are, I'll know more than you do."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll go you one better, my boy," the father replied. "I hope that when
+you are that old you will know as much as you think you do now."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A HUMBLING SIGHT</h3>
+
+<p>An old Scotchwoman, who had resisted all entreaties of her friends to
+have her photo taken, was at last induced to employ the services of a
+local artist in order to send her likeness to a son in America. On
+receiving the first impression she failed to recognise the figure
+thereon depicted as herself; so, card in hand, she set out for the
+artist's studio to ask if there was no mistake.</p>
+
+<p>"Is that me?" she queried.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, madam," replied the artist.</p>
+
+<p>"And is it like me?" she again asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, madam; it's a speaking likeness."</p>
+
+<p>"Aweel!" she said, resignedly, "it's a humblin' sicht."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Dollie:</i> Yes, Miss Fethers is a pretty girl, but she doesn't wear very
+well.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pollie</i> (<i>kindly</i>): I know, but the poor thing wears the best she has,
+I suppose.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TROUBLESOME CUSTOMER</h3>
+
+<p>A woman who had visited every department of one of the big London shops
+and worried the majority of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[Pg 293]</a></span> the salesmen without spending a penny, so
+exasperated one of them that he ventured to make a mild protest.
+"Madam," he asked, "are you shopping here?"</p>
+
+<p>The lady looked surprised, but not by any means annoyed. "Certainly!"
+she replied. "What else should I be doing?"</p>
+
+<p>For a moment the salesman hesitated; then he blurted out, "Well, madam,
+I thought perhaps you were taking an inventory!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Officer</i> (<i>to sailor who has rescued him from drowning</i>): Thank you,
+Smith. To-morrow I will thank you before all the crew at retreat.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sailor:</i> Don't do that, sir, they'll half kill me!</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Steward:</i> Can I do anything for you, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Passenger</i> (<i>faintly</i>): You might present my compliments to the chief
+engineer and ask him if there is any hope of the boilers blowing up.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>to box office manager</i>): Can you tell me what they are playing
+to-morrow night?</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Box Office Manager:</i> "You Never Can Tell," Madam.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady:</i> Don't they even let you know?</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Village Idiot:</i> Beg pardon, mam, seeing you're painting the church, I
+thought I'd better tell you the clock is ten minutes fast.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[Pg 294]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Employer</i> (<i>rebuking employee for slackness</i>): Have you any idea of the
+meaning of "Esprit de Corps"?</p>
+
+<p><i>Stenographer:</i> No, I haven't, and if it's anything vulgar I don't want
+to.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Sympathetic Lady:</i> What's the matter with your hand, my little man?</p>
+
+<p><i>Boy:</i> Sawed the top of my finger off.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sympathetic Lady:</i> Dear, dear, how did you do that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Boy:</i> Sawing.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">REMEMBERED</h3>
+
+<p>Blinks, after inviting his friend, Jinks, who has just returned from
+abroad, to dinner, is telling him what a fine memory his little son
+Bobby has.</p>
+
+<p>"And do you suppose he will remember me?" said Jinks.</p>
+
+<p>"Remember you? Why, he remembers every face that he ever saw."</p>
+
+<p>An hour later they entered the house, and after Jinks had shaken hands
+with Mrs. Blinks, he calls Bobby over to him.</p>
+
+<p>"And do you remember me, my little man?"</p>
+
+<p>"Course I do. You're the same man that pa brought home last summer, and
+ma was so wild about it that she didn't speak to pa for a whole week."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[Pg 295]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NATURAL DEDUCTION</h3>
+
+<p>"The man that argues with a woman is a fool," said Mr. Gadspur.</p>
+
+<p>"I agree with you," said Mr. Twobble.</p>
+
+<p>"And if he expects to have the last word he's an even bigger fool."</p>
+
+<p>"Quite so, quite so. What did you and the 'Missus' quarrel about this
+morning?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TOO GOOD</h3>
+
+<p>"Well, Alice," said a Southern woman to a coloured girl formerly in her
+employ, "I hear that you have married."</p>
+
+<p>"Yassum, Ah done got me a husband now."</p>
+
+<p>"Is he a good provider, Alice?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yassum. He's powerful good provider, but Ah's powerful skeered he's
+gwine git catched at it."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">AN ERROR IN JUDGMENT</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mother:</i> "What! Have you been fighting again, Johnnie? Good little boys
+don't fight."</p>
+
+<p><i>Johnnie:</i> "Yes, I know that. I thought he was a good little boy, but
+after I hit him once, I found he wasn't."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TEACHING THE YOUNG IDEA</h3>
+
+<p>Little Willie looked up from the paper he had been reading, and inquired
+of his father:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[Pg 296]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Dad, who was Mozart?"</p>
+
+<p>"Good gracious, boy! You don't know that!" indignantly returned his
+parent. "Go and read your Shakespeare."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HE TAKES YOUR TIME</h3>
+
+<p>"The chief objection we have to the man who 'knows it all,'" remarked
+the Observer of Events and Things, "is that he insists that everyone he
+knows shall know it all, too."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THE FLOOR HELD</h3>
+
+<p>"Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?" asked one man of his
+friend.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure," was the answer. "Did you think it would go through?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HIS DIFFICULTY</h3>
+
+<p><i>Real Estate Agent:</i> "This tobacco plantation is a bargain. I don't see
+why you hesitate. What are you worrying about?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Prospective, but Inexperienced, Purchaser:</i> "I was just wondering
+whether I should plant cigars or cigarettes."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[Pg 297]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THE REAL JOB</h3>
+
+<p>"What's this new conference they're going to have in America?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, they're going to make peace among the Allies."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">OFF LIKE A SHOT</h3>
+
+<p>It was a case of attempted murder, in which the prisoner was accused of
+having fired twice at his intended victim. One of the witnesses for the
+prosecution was being severely cross-examined by the defending counsel.</p>
+
+<p>"You say that you heard both shots fired?" he asked sternly.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"How near were you to the scene of the affair?"</p>
+
+<p>"At the time the first shot was fired I was about twenty feet from the
+prisoner."</p>
+
+<p>"Twenty feet. Humph! Now tell the court how far you were off when you
+heard the second shot."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, sir," replied the witness slowly, "I didn't exactly measure the
+distance; but, speaking approximately, I should say about half a mile."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ANSWERED</h3>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "And what would you be now if it weren't for my money?"</p>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "A bachelor."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[Pg 298]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TO BE SURE</h3>
+
+<p><i>Lily:</i> "Harold proposed to me last night while turning the music for me
+at the piano."</p>
+
+<p><i>Edith:</i> "Ah, I see, dear; you played right into his hands!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A CLOSE CALL</h3>
+
+<p>Pat was a simple country yokel who had never strayed from the outskirts
+of his native village, and because he stood in a railway station for the
+first time of his life, his amazement was great.</p>
+
+<p>The vastness of his surroundings completely dazzled him, but when the
+3.30 express dashed through the station, that did it. He kept his eyes
+glued on the tunnel through which it had disappeared, staring after it
+as though some kind of miracle had happened. He remained like this for
+several minutes, much to the amusement of the onlookers, until at length
+an inquisitive porter asked him what he was staring at.</p>
+
+<p>"Oi was just thinkun'," he said, pulling himself together, "what a
+terribal smash there'd 'a' bin if he'd 'a' missed the 'ole!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Breathless Visitor:</i> Doctor, can you help me? My name is Jones&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Doctor:</i> No, I'm sorry; I simply can't do anything for that.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[Pg 299]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>They were talking over the days that will never return, so they
+asserted; the days when there was no thirst in the land. But they had
+particular reference to the old state militia camp of long ago. For be
+it known, there was much taken to camp in those days that had little to
+do with military training, and it was carried in capacious jugs and big
+bottles. Everybody expected his city friends to run down to the camp,
+and be called upon to act as an assuager of thirst. "The year I have
+reference to," said one of the old-timers, "was a notably wet one. The
+first night in camp everybody seemed to be bent on sampling what
+everybody else had brought down from the city. The result was that when
+the company of which I was a member was ordered to fall in the next
+morning to answer the roll-call there was a pretty wobbly line-up. We
+had a new sergeant&mdash;new to the routine of a camp, and after he had
+checked up he should have reported, 'Sir, the company is present and
+accounted for.' Instead he got rattled and said, 'Sir, the company is
+full.' Our captain, looking us over, sarcastically remarked, 'I should
+say as much, full as a tick.'"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">READY AND WILLING</h3>
+
+<p><i>Magistrate:</i> "Can't this case be settled out of court?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mulligan:</i> "Sure, sure; that's what we were trying to do, your honor,
+when the police interfered."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>An old darky visited a doctor and received instructions as to what he
+should do. Shaking his head, he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[Pg 300]</a></span> was about to leave the office, when the
+doctor called out "Hey, there, uncle, you forgot to pay me." "Pay you
+fo' what, boss?" "For my advice." "Nossuh, boss," said Rastus, shuffling
+out. "I'se compluntated it from all angles and decided not to take it."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>An airman had been taking up passengers for short trips, and by the time
+his last trip came was absolutely fed up by being asked silly questions.
+He told his passengers, two ladies, that on no account were they to
+speak to him; that he could not talk and give his attention to his
+machine, and that they must keep silent. Up they went, and the airman
+quite enjoyed himself. He looped the loop and practiced all sorts of
+stunts to his own satisfaction with no interruption from his passengers
+until he felt a touch on his arm. "What is it?" he said impatiently.
+"I'm so sorry to trouble you," said a voice behind, "and I know I
+oughtn't to speak. I do apologize sincerely, but I can't help it. I
+thought perhaps you ought to know Annie's gone."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Chloe:</i> I sho' mighter knowed I gwine have bad luck if I do dat washin'
+on Friday.</p>
+
+<p><i>Daphne:</i> What bad luck done come to you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Chloe:</i> I sen' home dat pink silk petticoat wid de filly aidge what I
+was gwine keep out to wear to chu'ch on Sunday.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The professor was deeply absorbed in some scientific subject when the
+nurse announced the arrival of a boy. "What&mdash;who?" stammered the
+professor absently. "Why interrupt me&mdash;isn't my wife at home?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_301" id="Page_301">[Pg 301]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SARCASM</h3>
+
+<p>Everything that could be done to make the great unemployed meeting a
+success had been accomplished. A large hall, and a good speaker had been
+engaged.</p>
+
+<p>When the latter arrived he seemed in a crabby frame of mind. Looking
+round, he beckoned the chairman.</p>
+
+<p>"I should like to have a glass of water on my table, if you please," he
+said.</p>
+
+<p>"To drink?" was the chairman's idiotic question.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, no," was the sarcastic retort, "when I've been speaking
+half-an-hour I do a high dive."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NONE AT ALL</h3>
+
+<p>Sandy had gone to the station to see his cousin off.</p>
+
+<p>"Mac," he said, "ye micht like to leave me a bob or twa tae drink ye a
+safe journey."</p>
+
+<p>"Mon, I canna," was the reply. "A' my spare cash I gie tae my auld
+mither."</p>
+
+<p>"That's strange! Your mither said you niver gave her anything!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, if I dinna gie my auld mither anything, what sort of chance d'ye
+think you've got?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ART AND NATURE</h3>
+
+<p><i>Husband:</i> "What was that you were playing, my dear?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Wife:</i> "Did you like it?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302">[Pg 302]</a></span></p><p>"It was lovely&mdash;the melody divine, the harmony exquisite!"</p>
+
+<p>"It is the very thing I played last evening, and you said it was
+horrid."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, the steak was burnt last evening."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MISUNDERSTOOD</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mistress:</i> "Don't call them jugs, Mary; they're ewers."</p>
+
+<p><i>Maid:</i> "Oh, thank you, ma'am. And are all them little basins mine,
+too?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">ALL BRAINS</h3>
+
+<p>A gentleman who was walking through a public gallery, where a number of
+artists were at work, overheard the following amusing conversation
+between a big, heavy-looking man, who was painting on a large picture,
+and a weak-looking little cripple, who, limping over to where he sat,
+looked over his shoulder for a few minutes, and said timidly:</p>
+
+<p>"I beg your pardon, sir, may I ask what medium you paint with?"</p>
+
+<p>"Brains," shouted the other in a voice of thunder.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, indeed! That accounts for its fogginess," which caused a roar of
+laughter.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THIRTEEN TO ONE</h3>
+
+<p>Just before the service the clergyman was called into the vestibule by a
+young couple, who asked that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_303" id="Page_303">[Pg 303]</a></span> he should marry them. He answered he had
+not time then, but that if they would wait until after the sermon he
+would be glad to do so. Accordingly, just before the end of the service,
+he announced:</p>
+
+<p>"Will those who wish to be married to-day please come forward?"</p>
+
+<p>Thirteen women and one man quickly stepped up.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A GOOD ACTOR</h3>
+
+<p><i>Neighbour:</i> "I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm."</p>
+
+<p><i>Farmer:</i> "Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he was
+working the last week he was here."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TOO SAD FOR THAT</h3>
+
+<p>A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the village inn.</p>
+
+<p>"This place boasts of a choral society, doesn't it?" he asked.</p>
+
+<p>The innkeeper looked pained.</p>
+
+<p>"We don't boast about it," he replied, in low, sad tones. "We endure it
+with all the calm resignation we can!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog that looked as
+if his bite might be quite as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_304" id="Page_304">[Pg 304]</a></span> bad as his bark. "Why, Percy," she
+exclaimed as he started a strategic retreat, "you always swore you would
+face death for me." "I would," he flung back over his shoulder, "but
+that darn dog ain't dead."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Wife</i> (<i>enthusiastically</i>): I saw the most gorgeous chiffonier to-day,
+dear. But, of course, I know we can not afford&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Hubby</i> (<i>resignedly</i>): When have they promised to deliver it?</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">REALISED</h3>
+
+<p><i>Lawyer:</i> "When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate."</p>
+
+<p><i>Client:</i> "You're in luck. It isn't every man who can realise the dreams
+of his youth."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NEVER MISS ONE</h3>
+
+<p><i>Elder sister:</i> "Oh, you fancy yourself very wise, I dare say; but I
+could give you a wrinkle or two."</p>
+
+<p><i>Younger sister:</i> "No doubt&mdash;and never miss them."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A BAD NIGHT</h3>
+
+<p>The boy who had "made good" in town asked his old mother to come to
+London. He gave the old lady the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_305" id="Page_305">[Pg 305]</a></span> best room in the hotel&mdash;one with a
+private bath adjoining. The next morning the boy asked:</p>
+
+<p>"Did you have a good night's rest?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, no, I didn't," she replied. "The room was all right, and the bed
+was pretty. But I couldn't sleep very much, for I was afraid someone
+would want to take a bath, and the only way to it was through my room!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TRIPPED</h3>
+
+<p>The shaded lights, music in the distance, sweet perfumes from the costly
+flowers about them&mdash;everything was just right for a proposal, and
+Timkins decided to chance his luck. She was pretty, which was good, and
+also, he believed, an heiress, which was better.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you not afraid that someone will marry you for your money?" he
+asked gently.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! dear, no," smiled the girl. "Such an idea never entered my head!"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! Miss Liscombe," he sighed, "in your sweet innocence you do not
+dream how coldly, cruelly mercenary some men are!"</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps I don't," replied the girl calmly.</p>
+
+<p>"I would not for a moment have such a terrible fate befall you," he said
+passionately. "You are too good&mdash;too beautiful. The man who wins you
+should love you for yourself alone."</p>
+
+<p>"He'll have to," the girl remarked. "It's my cousin Jennie who has the
+money&mdash;not I. You seem to have got us mixed. I haven't a penny myself."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306">[Pg 306]</a></span></p><p>"Oh&mdash;er!" stammered the young man, "what pleasant weather we are having,
+aren't we?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THE GLOOMY GUEST</h3>
+
+<p>The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking
+young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about
+as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself
+to cheer him up.</p>
+
+<p>"Er&mdash;have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of introduction.</p>
+
+<p>"Not lately," replied the gloomy one, with a faraway expression.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Why did you take Meyerbeer off the dinner card?"</p>
+
+<p>"People kept thinking it was something to drink."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A well-known admiral&mdash;a stickler for uniform&mdash;stopped opposite a very
+portly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down. Fixing
+the man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that medal for
+eating, my man?" On the man replying "No, sir," the admiral rapped out:
+"Then why the deuce do you wear it on your stomach?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>First Little Girl:</i> What's your last name, Annie?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Little Girl:</i> Don't know yet; I ain't married.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Kloseman:</i> I didn't see you in church last Sunday.</p>
+
+<p><i>Keen:</i> Don't doubt it. I took up the collection.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_307" id="Page_307">[Pg 307]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A Southern family had a coal-black cook named Sarah, and when her
+husband was killed in an accident Sarah appeared on the day of the
+funeral dressed in a sable outfit except in one respect. "Why, Sarah,"
+said her mistress, "what made you get white gloves?" Sarah drew herself
+up and said in tones of dignity, "Don't you s'pose I wants dem niggahs
+to see dat I'se got on gloves?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Dad</i> (<i>sternly</i>): Where were you last night?</p>
+
+<p><i>Son:</i> Oh, just riding around with some of the boys.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dad:</i> Well, tell 'em not to leave their hairpins in the car.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Said the guest, upon approaching his host's home in the suburb, "Ah,
+there are some of your family on the veranda. The girl in short dresses
+is your daughter, the young man in riding breeches is your son, and the
+woman in the teagown is your charming wife." Said the host: "No, you are
+all wrong. The girl in the short dresses is my grandmother, the young
+fellow in riding breeches is my wife, and the woman in the teagown is my
+ten-year-old daughter, who likes to dress up in her great-grandmother's
+dresses."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A bumptious young American farmer went to England to learn his business,
+but where he went he pretended that it was far easier to teach the
+farmers than to learn anything from them. "I've got an idea," he said
+one day to a grizzled old Northumbrian agriculturist, "for a new kind of
+fertilizer which will be ten thousand times as effective as any that has
+ever been<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_308" id="Page_308">[Pg 308]</a></span> tried. Condensed fertilizer&mdash;that's what it is. Enough for an
+acre of ground would go in one of my waistcoat pockets." "I don't doubt
+it, young gentleman," said the veteran of the soil. "What is more,
+you'll be able to put the crop into the other waistcoat pocket."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Weary Willie slouched into the pawnshop. "How much will you give me for
+this overcoat?" he asked, producing a faded but neatly mended garment.
+Isaac looked at it critically. "Four dollars," he said.</p>
+
+<p>"Why," cried Weary Willie, "that coat's worth ten dollars if it's worth
+a penny.'"</p>
+
+<p>"I wouldn't give you ten dollars for two like that," sniffed Isaac.
+"Four dollars or nothing."</p>
+
+<p>"Are you sure that's all it's worth?" asked Weary Willie.</p>
+
+<p>"Four dollars," repeated Isaac.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, here's yer four dollars," said Weary Willie. "This overcoat was
+hangin' outside yer shop, and I was wonderin' how much it was really
+worth."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NOT IN THE BUSINESS</h3>
+
+<p>"I'm not quite sure about your washing-machine. Will you demonstrate it
+again?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, madam. We only do one week's washing."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HER VIEWS</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. de Vere:</i> "I suppose now that you have been abroad, you have your
+own views of foreign life!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">[Pg 309]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Profiteer: "No, we ain't got no views. We didn't take no camera;
+it's so common."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A GOOD MATCH</h3>
+
+<p><i>Proprietor:</i> "What made that customer walk out? Did you offend him?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Assistant:</i> "I don't know. He said he wanted a hat to suit his head and
+I showed him a soft hat."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">LIFE'S BIGGEST PROBLEM</h3>
+
+<p><i>Old Job:</i> "The best way to get the most out of life is to fall in love
+with a great problem or a beautiful woman!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Old Steve:</i> "Why not choose the latter and get both?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>He</i> (<i>just introduced</i>): What a very homely person that gentleman near
+the piano is, Mrs. Black!</p>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> Isn't he? That is Mr. Black.</p>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> How true it is, Mrs. Black, that the homely men always get the
+prettiest wives!</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A customer entered the small-town barber shop. "How soon can you cut my
+hair?" he asked of the proprietor, who was seated in an easy chair,
+perusing the pages of a novel.</p>
+
+<p>"Bill," said the barber, addressing his errand boy, "run over and tell
+the editor if he's done editin' the paper I'd like my scissors."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">[Pg 310]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Pompous Publisher</i> (<i>to aspiring novice in literature</i>): I have been
+reading your manuscript, my dear lady, and there is much in it, I
+think&mdash;ahem!&mdash;very good. But there are parts somewhat vague. Now, you
+should always write so that the most ignorant can understand.</p>
+
+<p><i>Youthful Authoress</i> (<i>wishing to show herself most ready to accept
+advice</i>): Oh, yes, I'm sure. But, tell me, which are the parts that have
+given you trouble?</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FISHY RECORD</h3>
+
+<p><i>First Stenog.</i> (<i>reading</i>): "Think of those Spaniards going 3,000 miles
+on a galleon!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Stenog.:</i> "Aw, forget it. Yuh can't believe all yuh hear about
+them foreign cars."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A group of tourists were looking over the inferno of Vesuvius in full
+eruption. "Ain't this just like hell?" ejaculated a Yank.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, zese Americans," exclaimed a Frenchman, "where have zey not been?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you."</p>
+
+<p>"Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down,' he's a Boston terrier."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady:</i> Well, what do you want?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tramp:</i> Leddy, believe me, I'm no ordinary beggar. I was at the
+front&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>with interest</i>): Really&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">[Pg 311]</a></span></p><p><i>Tramp:</i> Yes, ma'am; but I couldn't make anybody hear, so I came round
+to the back.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"The doctor has ordered her to the seashore. Now they're having a
+consultation."</p>
+
+<p>"Of doctors?"</p>
+
+<p>"Of dressmakers."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"You discharged your office boy?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Dr. Dubwaite. "He never did anything but stand around and
+look wise."</p>
+
+<p>"I guess you've seen the last of him."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know about that. He may turn up here some day as an efficiency
+expert."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"But why don't you think he will propose soon?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, he gave me a box of stationery yesterday with my initials on
+it&mdash;such a lot, so I know it's all over between us."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PERFECT AGREEMENT</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mother:</i> "Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can't you
+agree once in a while?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Georgia:</i> "We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do
+I."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> Jack is in love with you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Her:</i> Nonsense!</p>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> That's what I said when I heard it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Her:</i> How dared you!</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">[Pg 312]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Professor</i> (<i>endeavoring to impress on class the definition of cynic</i>):
+Young man, what would you call a man who pretends to know everything?</p>
+
+<p><i>Senior:</i> A professor!</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A young lady who was inspecting bicycles, said to the clerk:</p>
+
+<p>"What's the name of this wheel?"</p>
+
+<p>"That is the Belvedere," answered the salesman.</p>
+
+<p>He was rewarded by a stony glance and the icy question:</p>
+
+<p>"Can you recommend the Belva?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"What this country needs is more production."</p>
+
+<p>"What this country needs," replied Farmer Corntassel, with a slight
+trace of irritation, "is less talk about what it needs and more
+enthusiasm about deliverin' the goods."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BOTTLED COURAGE</h3>
+
+<p>"Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face?"</p>
+
+<p>"My dear sir," said the bootlegger, with a pained expression. "This
+stuff will make a tenant snap his fingers under his landlord's nose."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you suppose that will cause
+him to take more interest in his business?" asked Mr. Piglatch.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know whether he will take more interest in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">[Pg 313]</a></span> his business," said
+Mr. Peckton, thoughtfully, "but his wife will."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">IT WORKED</h3>
+
+<p>A tramp entered a baker's, shivering piteously.</p>
+
+<p>"A loaf, please, mum," he said, placing the money on the counter. The
+woman gave him one. As he took it, he said with shaking voice:</p>
+
+<p>"Where's the nearest hospital, mum, please?"</p>
+
+<p>"The nearest hospital!" she ejaculated.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, mum, I'm feeling bad. I believe I'm sickening for something; the
+scarlet fever, I think."</p>
+
+<p>"What!" she shrieked. "Get out of my shop."</p>
+
+<p>He turned to obey.</p>
+
+<p>"Here, take your money back," she said. He did so; and, offering the
+bread, said humbly:</p>
+
+<p>"You'll take yer loaf, won't yer, mum?"</p>
+
+<p>"Get out of my shop."</p>
+
+<p>He crawled out, and with bowed head went around the corner. Presently,
+another mountain of misery joined him.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Bill?" he said.</p>
+
+<p>"Right oh! 'Enery," came the answer. "It worked a treat. Now you do it
+fer a bit o' bacon, and then we can have lunch."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">FILM FEVER</h3>
+
+<p><i>Nurse:</i> "You were very naughty in church, Guy. Do you know where little
+boys and girls go to who don't put their pennies in the collection box?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Guy:</i> "Yes, nurse; to the pictures."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">[Pg 314]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THE DRUGGIST'S TURN</h3>
+
+<p>The druggist danced and chortled till the bottles danced on the shelves.</p>
+
+<p>"What's up?" asked the soda clerk. "Have you been taking something?"</p>
+
+<p>"No. But do you remember when our water pipes were frozen last winter?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, but what&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, the plumber who fixed them has just come in to have a
+prescription filled."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WRONG BROTHER</h3>
+
+<p>A wealthy gentleman has a brother who is hard of hearing, while he
+himself is remarkable for having a very prominent nose.</p>
+
+<p>Once, this gentleman dined at a friend's house, where he sat between two
+young ladies who talked to him very loudly, rather to his annoyance.</p>
+
+<p>Finally one of them shouted a commonplace remark and then said in an
+ordinary tone to the other:</p>
+
+<p>"Did you ever see such an ugly nose?"</p>
+
+<p>"Pardon me, ladies," said the gentleman. "It is my brother who is deaf."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy
+about telling the voters why they should send him to Washington. "I am a
+practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting. "I can plow,
+reap, milk cows, shoe a horse&mdash;in fact, I should like you to tell me one
+thing about a farm which I can<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">[Pg 315]</a></span> not do." Then, in the impressive
+silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Doctor:</i> "You are a great deal better this morning, I see. You followed
+my directions, and that prescription did the business&mdash;what, you haven't
+taken any of it?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Patient:</i> "No; it says on the label, 'Keep the bottle tightly corked.'"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"And about the salary?" said the movie star.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said the manager, "suppose we call it $5,000 a week."</p>
+
+<p>"All right."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we call
+it&mdash;you will get $500."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Prospective Employer:</i> I suppose you have some experience of live
+stock?</p>
+
+<p><i>Applicant for Post:</i> Well, I ain't ever looked after 'orses, nor milked
+cows, and never 'andled poultry; but I've bred canaries.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch
+whiskey. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along
+came a Ford which he did not sidestep quite in time. It threw him down
+and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road.
+Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his
+leg.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Lord," he groaned, "I hope that's blood!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">[Pg 316]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Graham:</i> "Do you know, Miss F., if I had my way, I'd put every
+woman in jail!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss F.:</i> "Why, Mr. Graham, I'm surprised. I didn't know you felt that
+way about us! What sort of a nation do you think this would be, if you
+put all the women in jail?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Graham:</i> "Stag-nation, of course!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">GUILTY</h3>
+
+<p><i>Sister:</i> "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him
+of something I did before we were married."</p>
+
+<p><i>Brother:</i> "Well, the best thing you can do is to confess."</p>
+
+<p><i>Sister:</i> "I know it, but he won't let me read the letter and I don't
+know what to confess."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"I'd like to see the man who could persuade me to promise to love,
+honour and obey him," said Miss Wellontheway.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't blame you," remarked the newly-made bride.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Huh! Yuh talks 'bout sassiety like yuh knows so much 'bout it. Niggah,
+I bet dey don' eben have evenin' dresses whah yuh come frum."</p>
+
+<p>"Zat so? Dey's doin' well to have evenin's whah yuh come frum."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Second-story Worker:</i> "Hullo, Bill, I see you got a new overcoat. What
+did it cost you?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_317" id="Page_317">[Pg 317]</a></span></p><p><i>Burglar:</i> "Six months. I never wears cheap clothes!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The sweet young thing was being shown through the boiler shop.</p>
+
+<p>"What's that thing?" she asked, pointing with a dainty parasol.</p>
+
+<p>"That's an engine boiler," said the guide.</p>
+
+<p>"And why do they boil engines?" she inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"To make the engine tender," replied the resourceful guide.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>He was a Scot, with the usual characteristics of his race. Wishing to
+know his fate, he telegraphed a proposal of marriage to the girl of his
+choice. After waiting all day at the telegraph office he received the
+affirmative answer late at night.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, if I were you," said the operator, "I'd think twice before I
+married the girl who kept me waiting for an answer so long."</p>
+
+<p>"Na, Na?" said the Scot. "The girl for me is the girl who waits for the
+night rates."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TOO ENTHUSIASTIC</h3>
+
+<p><i>Wifey:</i> "Henry, do you think me an angel?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Hubby:</i> "Why, certainly, my dear. I'm very enthusiastic. I think all
+women are angels!"</p>
+
+<p>"You needn't be so enthusiastic as all that!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_318" id="Page_318">[Pg 318]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BAD BOTH WAYS</h3>
+
+<p><i>Dobb:</i> "What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Botham:</i> "My wife put it there to remind me to post her letter."</p>
+
+<p>"And did you post it?"</p>
+
+<p>"No; she forgot to give it to me!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HIS LITTLE MISTAKE</h3>
+
+<p>A certain country vicar who used to distribute books to his parishioners
+as reading material, one day, deciding to surprise them, gave them each
+a Bible neatly wrapped up in brown paper. A few days later he called
+round on each of his flock, and the first place he called at was the
+village butcher's.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mr. Simson," he said, "how did you like that little book I gave
+you the other day?"</p>
+
+<p>Simson was rather taken aback at the query, for, truth to tell, the
+little book still remained in its brown paper wrapping somewhere under
+the counter.</p>
+
+<p>"Splendid!" lied Simson bravely, "but," he added, in a burst of
+confidence, "it ended like they all end."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh!" exclaimed the vicar, "in what way?"</p>
+
+<p>And Simson, thinking he was on safe ground, replied, "Why, they lived
+happy ever after."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Your wife looks stunning to-night. Her gown is a poem."</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean, poem?" replied the struggling author. "That gown is
+two poems and a short story."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_319" id="Page_319">[Pg 319]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TOUGH ON THE SENATOR</h3>
+
+<p>The Senator was back home, looking after his political fences, and asked
+the minister about some of his old acquaintances.</p>
+
+<p>"How is old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see him
+to-day?"</p>
+
+<p>"You'll never see Mr. Jones again," said the minister. "He has gone to
+heaven."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">REDEEMING TRAIT</h3>
+
+<p>"I know I'm old, but I'm crazy about you," stated Mr. Moneybags. "When I
+go I'll leave all my fortune to you if you'll have me."</p>
+
+<p>"Have you any bad habits?" asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully.</p>
+
+<p>"Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call that a bad habit."</p>
+
+<p>"You dear old thing. Of course I'll marry you. And we'll have our
+honeymoon on the top floor of some tall hotel, won't we?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">OFF</h3>
+
+<p>There was a distinct air of chastened resignation about him, as he
+penned the following note:</p>
+
+<p>"Dear Miss Brown,&mdash;I return herewith your kind note in which you accept
+my offer of marriage. I would draw your attention to the fact that it
+begins 'Dear George.' I do not know who George is, but my name, as you
+will remember, is Thomas."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320">[Pg 320]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NOT A FATHER</h3>
+
+<p>A Protestant Episcopal clergyman was walking down a city street wearing
+the garb of his profession. He was seen by two Irish boys.</p>
+
+<p>"Good morning, Father," said one of the boys.</p>
+
+<p>"Hush, he ain't no father," said the other, "he's got a wife and two
+kids."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WEDDING DECLARED OFF</h3>
+
+<p><i>John Willie</i> (<i>pleadingly</i>): "Why can't we be married right away,
+Elsie?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Elsie</i> (<i>coyly</i>): "Oh, I can't bear to leave father alone just now."</p>
+
+<p><i>John Willie</i> (<i>earnestly</i>): "But, my darling, he has had you such a
+very long time."</p>
+
+<p><i>Elsie</i> (<i>freezingly</i>): "Sir!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PERHAPS!</h3>
+
+<p>"You are a little goose!" remarked a young M.D. playfully to the girl he
+was engaged to marry.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course I am," was the laughing response; "haven't I got a quack?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A Northern man in an optician's shop in Nashville overheard an amusing
+conversation between the proprietor of the establishment and an aged
+darkey who was just leaving the place with a pair of new spectacles. As
+the old fellow neared the door his eye<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321">[Pg 321]</a></span> lighted upon an
+extraordinary-looking instrument conspicuously placed upon a counter.
+The venerable negro paused for several moments to gaze in open-mouthed
+wonder at this thing, the like of which he had never seen before. After
+a long struggle with his curiosity he was vanquished. Turning to the
+optician, he asked: "What is it, boss?" "That is an opthalmometer,"
+replied the optician in his gravest manner. "Sho," muttered the old man
+to himself, as he backed out of the door, his eyes still fastened upon
+the curious-looking thing on the counter. "Sho, dat's what I was afeared
+it was!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>In many of the rural districts of the United States where money does not
+circulate with great rapidity services are paid for "in kind." Farmers,
+for example, will give potatoes, eggs, etc., in payment for debts. A
+young surgeon who had occasion to operate in one of these districts
+hopefully approached the husband of the patient and asked for his fee,
+which amounted to $100. "Doc," said the old man, "I haven't much ready
+cash on hand. Suppose you let me pay you in kind." "Well, I guess that
+will be all right," replied the young doctor, cheerfully. "What do you
+deal in?" "Horseradish, doc," answered the old man.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The ferryboat was well on her way when a violent storm arose. The
+ferryman and his mate, both Highlanders, held a consultation, and after
+a short debate the ferryman turned to his passengers and remarked,
+anxiously: "We'll just tak' your tuppences now, for we dinna ken what
+micht come over us."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322">[Pg 322]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NO DOUBT</h3>
+
+<p>"Lend me ten, Tom."</p>
+
+<p>"I think not."</p>
+
+<p>"You won't?"</p>
+
+<p>"I won't."</p>
+
+<p>"You've no doubt of my character, have you?"</p>
+
+<p>"I haven't."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, why won't you, then?"</p>
+
+<p>"Because I have no doubt of your character."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Officer</i> (<i>drilling recruits</i>): Hey, you, in case of fire, what do you
+do?</p>
+
+<p><i>Recruit:</i> I yell.</p>
+
+<p><i>Officer:</i> Yell what?</p>
+
+<p><i>Recruit:</i> Why, what do you suppose? Cease firing.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Doctor</i> (<i>at door, to butler</i>): Tell your master the doctor is here.</p>
+
+<p><i>Butler:</i> The master is in great pain, sir. He is receiving nobody.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Young Woman</i> (<i>holding out hand</i>): Will you please tell me how to
+pronounce the name of the stone in this ring? Is it turkoise or
+turkwoise?</p>
+
+<p><i>Jeweler</i> (<i>after inspecting it</i>): The correct pronunciation is "glass."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Once, in a rush season, an office boy was kept working overtime for
+several nights. He didn't like it, and growled to his boss: "You've kept
+me workin' every night till 9 o'clock for three nights runnin' now,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_323" id="Page_323">[Pg 323]</a></span> and
+I'm worn out, Mr. Brown. I ain't no machine. I can't go forever." His
+boss gave a hard laugh. "Wrong!" he said. "Wrong, my boy. You go forever
+next pay day."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The bellboy of the Welcome Hotel has invented an ingenious system of
+calling sleepy guests. The other night a man left instructions that he
+wished to be called early. Next morning he was disturbed by a loud
+tattoo upon the door. "Well?" he demanded sharply. "I've got a message
+for you, sir." Yawning until he strained his face, the guest jumped out
+of bed and unlocked the door. The bellboy handed him an envelope and
+then went away quickly. The guest opened the envelope, and took out a
+slip of paper bearing the words: "It's time to get up."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A negro was brought before a justice of the peace. He was suspected of
+stealing. There were no witnesses, but appearances were against him. The
+following dialogue took place:</p>
+
+<p>"You've stolen no chickens?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, sah."</p>
+
+<p>"Have you stolen any geese?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, sah."</p>
+
+<p>"Any turkeys?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, sah."</p>
+
+<p>The man was discharged. As he stepped out of the dock he stopped before
+the justice and said with a broad grin, "Fo' de Lawd, squire, if you'd
+said ducks you'd 'a' had me."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_324" id="Page_324">[Pg 324]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A little boy, the youngest member of a large family, was taken to see
+his married sister's new baby. He seemed more interested in the contents
+of the baby's basket than in the baby, and after examining the pretty
+trifles, picked up a powder-puff. Much surprised at his discovery, and
+looking rather shocked, he said, "Isn't she rather young for that sort
+of thing?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THE ALLEGED HUMORISTS</h3>
+
+<p>"I can read my husband like a book."</p>
+
+<p>"Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole
+a kiss."</p>
+
+<p>"What did she say?"</p>
+
+<p>"Will that be all?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NO KICK COMING</h3>
+
+<p><i>Merchant:</i> Look here, that safe you sold me last month you said was a
+burglar-proof safe, and I found it cracked this morning and rifled of
+its contents.</p>
+
+<p><i>Agent:</i> Well, isn't that proof that you've had a burglar?</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NO NONSENSE ABOUT IT</h3>
+
+<p>The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the patients in the local
+hospital. When he entered Ward<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_325" id="Page_325">[Pg 325]</a></span> No. 2, he came across a pale-looking man
+lying in a cot, heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and after
+administering a few words of comfort to the unfortunate sufferer, he
+remarked in cheering tones:</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind, my man, you'll soon be all right. Keep on smiling; that's
+the way in the world."</p>
+
+<p>"I shall never smile again," replied the youth, sadly.</p>
+
+<p>"Nonsense!" ejaculated the vicar.</p>
+
+<p>"There ain't no nonsense about it!" exclaimed the other, heatedly. "It's
+through smiling at another chap's girl that I'm here now."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TOO TRUE</h3>
+
+<p><i>Screen Actress:</i> I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I
+cannot act to-day.</p>
+
+<p><i>Manager:</i> Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you a
+certificate saying that you never could act.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CONSERVATIVE</h3>
+
+<p>He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout
+boots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came
+into the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficulty
+in getting what he wanted.</p>
+
+<p>A dozen, two dozen, three dozen pairs were brought and shown him.</p>
+
+<p>"No, no! Square toes&mdash;must have square toes," he insisted.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_326" id="Page_326">[Pg 326]</a></span></p><p>"But, sir, everybody is wearing shoes with pointed toes. They are
+fashionable this season."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm sorry," said the stout man gravely, as he got up and prepared to
+leave the shop. "I'm very sorry to have troubled you, I'm sure. But, you
+see, I'm still wearing my last season's feet!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HE HAD HEARD OF THEM</h3>
+
+<p>It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying to
+cook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed him
+how to make a quick-cooking fire, saying: "Look at the time you are
+wasting. When I was in the Himalayas I often had to hunt my breakfast. I
+used to go about two miles in the jungle, shoot my food, skin or pluck
+it, then cook and eat it, and return to the camp under half an hour."
+Then he unwisely added, "Of course, you will have heard of the
+Himalayas?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir," replied the young soldier, "and also of Ananias and George
+Washington."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Goodsole:</i> "Well, what do you want?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Benny the Bum:</i> "I wanna know kin I borry a red lantern off'n you? I
+find I gotta sleep in the street to-night an' I'll harfta warn the
+traffic to drive aroun' me."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WHAT DID HE MEAN?</h3>
+
+<p>A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish clerk sent him out to
+do some collecting. When he returned from an unsuccessful trip he
+reported:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_327" id="Page_327">[Pg 327]</a></span></p><p>"Yim Yonson say he vill pay ven he sells his hogs. Yim Olson he vill pay
+ven he sell his wheat and Bill Pack say he vill pay in Yanuary."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said the boss, "that's the first time Bill ever set a date to
+pay. Did he really say he would pay in January?"</p>
+
+<p>"Vell, aye tank so," said the clerk, "he said it bane a dam cold day ven
+you get that money. Aye tank that bane in Yanuary."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TRUE TO LIFE</h3>
+
+<p>Sandy had been photographed, and as he was looking intently at his
+"picter" Ian MacPherson came along.</p>
+
+<p>"What's that ye hev there?" he asked.</p>
+
+<p>"My photygraph," replied Sandy, showing it proudly. "Whit d'ye think o'
+it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Man, it's fine!" exclaimed Ian, in great admiration. "It's just like
+ye, tae. An' whit micht the like o' they cost?"</p>
+
+<p>"I dinna' ken," replied Sandy. "I hinna' paid yet."</p>
+
+<p>"Mon," said Ian, more firmly than ever. "It's awful like ye."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WHAT HE PREFERRED</h3>
+
+<p>"And did you say you preferred charges against this man?" asked the
+Judge, looking over his gold-rimmed spectacles.</p>
+
+<p>"No, Your Honour," was the quick reply of the man to whom money was
+owed; "I prefer the cash!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_328" id="Page_328">[Pg 328]</a></span></p><p>"Wot was the last card Oi dealt ye, Moike?"</p>
+
+<p>"A spade."</p>
+
+<p>"Oi knew ut! Oi saw ye spit on yer hands before ye picked it up."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>During the period after the university examinations, when an unusually
+large number of students flunked, one of the boys went to his professor,
+and said: "I don't think this is fair, sir; I don't think I should have
+a zero on this examination."</p>
+
+<p>"I know it," replied the professor, "but we do not have any mark lower
+than that."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The long-suffering professor smothered his wrath and went down into the
+cellar. "Are you the plumber?" he inquired of a grimy-looking person who
+was tinkering with the pipes.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, guv'nor," he answered.</p>
+
+<p>"Been in the trade long?"</p>
+
+<p>"'Bout a year, guv'nor."</p>
+
+<p>"Ever made any mistakes?"</p>
+
+<p>"Bless yer, no, guv'nor."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, then, I suppose it is quite all right. I imagined you had connected
+up the wrong pipes, for the chandelier in the drawing-room is spraying
+like a fountain, and the bathroom tap is on fire."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A bright little newsie entered a business office and, approaching a
+glum-looking man at one of the desks, began with an ingratiating smile:
+"I'm selling thimbles to raise enough money to&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Out with you," interrupted the man.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_329" id="Page_329">[Pg 329]</a></span></p><p>"Wouldn't you like to look at some nice thimbles?"</p>
+
+<p>"I should say not!"</p>
+
+<p>"They're fine, and I'd like to make a sale," the boy continued.</p>
+
+<p>Turning in his chair to fully face the lad, the grouch caustically
+inquired: "What 'n seven kinds of blue blazes do you think I want with a
+thimble?"</p>
+
+<p>Edging toward the door to make a safe getaway, the boy answered: "Use it
+for a hat."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The lady was waiting to buy a ticket at the picture show when a stranger
+bumped her shoulder. She glared at him, feeling it was done
+intentionally.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," he growled, "don't eat me up."</p>
+
+<p>"You are in no danger, sir," she said. "I am a Jewess."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Sam, on board the transport, had just been issued his first pair of
+hobnails. "One thing suah," he ruminated. "If Ah falls overboard, Ah
+suttinly will go down at 'tenshun."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BLOOD RELATIONS</h3>
+
+<p><i>Actor:</i> "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Fulpurse:</i> "Yes; they are ever bleeding me."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>There had been a collision near Euston Station between a timber-cart and
+a cab.</p>
+
+<p>The cart-driver said, with mock sympathy: "Oh, well,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_330" id="Page_330">[Pg 330]</a></span> you can't help it!
+You're doin' yer bit, you an' yer 'orse and yer blankety cabs all over
+age!"</p>
+
+<p>"You're doin' yer bit, too, ain't yer?" was the cabby's rejoinder,
+"a'carrying of two lots o' wood&mdash;one in yer cart an' the other under yer
+blinkin' 'at!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SCOTCHED!</h3>
+
+<p>A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out to
+his employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast,</p>
+
+<p>"Jock, there's a fly in yer parritch."</p>
+
+<p>"That disna' matter," replied Jock gloomily, "it'll no' droon."</p>
+
+<p>The farmer stared at him. "What do ye mean?" he asked angrily; "that's
+as much as sayin' ye hav'na' enough mulk."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," replied Jock still more gloomily, "there's mair than enough for
+all the parritch I have."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THE BRUTE!</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Newlywed:</i> "What does that inscription mean on that ring you gave
+me, Archie?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Newlywed:</i> "'Faithful to the last,' my dear!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Newlywed:</i> "Oh! how could you? You always said I was the first."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THE WHOLE TRUTH</h3>
+
+<p>Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get a "refresher" during
+working hours, when he suddenly ran into the boss.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_331" id="Page_331">[Pg 331]</a></span></p><p>"Hallo!" said the boss, pleasantly, "were you looking for me?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ay," answered Angus, "I wis looking for ye, but I didna' want tae see
+ye."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THE CONSUMER INFLAMED</h3>
+
+<p>"Ever get any nice butter?" queried old Grumpy.</p>
+
+<p>"Supply in every day," replied his provision merchant suavely.</p>
+
+<p>"Then why in thunder don't you sell it?" asked Grumpy.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HOW HE DID IT</h3>
+
+<p><i>First Theatrical Manager:</i> "Do you have any trouble with the girl who
+is playing the flapper in your new show?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Theatrical Manager:</i> "No; if she attempts to be skittish I just
+threaten to publish the photographs of her two sons who are lieutenants
+in the army."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">REALITY</h3>
+
+<p>A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on
+Sunday afternoon.</p>
+
+<p>"Why weren't you at church this morning?" was the first question of the
+spiritual adviser.</p>
+
+<p>"I couldn't come," was the answer. "I had to stop at home and mind the
+baby; our nurse is ill."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_332" id="Page_332">[Pg 332]</a></span></p><p>"That's no excuse," said the pastor.</p>
+
+<p>"It isn't? Well, next Sunday I'll bring him to church with me and see
+how you like it."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PURE CARELESSNESS</h3>
+
+<p>It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck.</p>
+
+<p>"My good man," said one kindly lady, "I hope that since you have come
+here you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct your
+faults."</p>
+
+<p>"I have that, mum," replied the prisoner in heartfelt tones. "Believe
+me, the next job I pull, this baby wears gloves."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A LEVEL-HEADED CAR</h3>
+
+<p><i>Irate Motorist:</i> "Say, this darned car won't climb a hill! You said it
+was a fine machine!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Dealer:</i> "I said: 'On the level it's a good car.'"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SUSPICIOUS</h3>
+
+<p>It was while on man&oelig;uvres in rural England, and a soldier was being
+tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground.</p>
+
+<p>"Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to the farmer who
+brought the accusation, "are you quite certain that this is the man who
+shot your bird? Will you swear to him?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_333" id="Page_333">[Pg 333]</a></span></p><p>"No, I won't do that," replied the farmer, "but I will say he's the man
+I suspect o' doing it."</p>
+
+<p>"That's not enough to convict a man," retorted the C. O., considerably
+nettled. "What raised your suspicions?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," replied the sturdy yeoman, "it was this way&mdash;I see 'im on my
+property with a gun; then I heerd the gun go off; then I see 'im putting
+the chicken in his knapsack; and it didn't seem sense nohow to think the
+bird committed suicide."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A WONDER!</h3>
+
+<p>"That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss," remarked Brown.</p>
+
+<p>"That so?" asked Smith.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," replied Brown. "Why, he could read a patent medicine almanac and
+not have a solitary symptom of some disease."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">IN A FIX</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Muggins:</i> "It's raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul wants to go home, and I
+have no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Can't I let her
+have yours?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Muggins:</i> "Hardly! The only umbrella I have got has her husband's
+name on the handle."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_334" id="Page_334">[Pg 334]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SUCKED!</h3>
+
+<p>It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit the
+picture palace.</p>
+
+<p>On the way she evidently was annoyed with her lover, for she turned to
+him, and said, angrily, "Aw wish tha would gie up sucking thi teeth;
+it's so rude when people are about!"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't thee talk so silly," he replied in aggrieved tones. "It's my
+rubber 'eel pads that's causing that noise!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HALF AND HALF</h3>
+
+<p>Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and
+packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar.
+Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said, with a glance of
+withering scorn: "If ye was half a man ye would have helped me up."</p>
+
+<p>The little conductor calmly replied: "Shure, ma'am, if ye was half a
+woman I would!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">REVENGE IS SWEET</h3>
+
+<p>"Yes," proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside
+hotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. The
+reception clerk is an old infantry man, the waiters have all been
+non-coms., the chef was a mess-sergeant, the house<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_335" id="Page_335">[Pg 335]</a></span> doctor was a base
+hospital surgeon, the house-detective was an intelligence man; even the
+pages were cadets."</p>
+
+<p>"And have you any former military police?" he was asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," he replied joyously. "When there's a good stiff wind blowing we
+set them to clean the outsides of the windows on the eighth floor!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NO EFFECT</h3>
+
+<p>"You tell me," said the judge, "that this is the person who knocked you
+down with his motor-car. Could you swear to the man?"</p>
+
+<p>"I did," returned the complainant, eagerly, "but he only swore back at
+me and drove on."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A FUTURE FINANCIER</h3>
+
+<p>"Ma," exclaimed young Teddie, bursting into the house, "Mrs. Johnson
+said she would give me a penny if I told her what you said about her!"</p>
+
+<p>"I never heard of such a thing!" answered his mother indignantly.
+"You're a very good boy not to have told! I wouldn't have her think I
+even mentioned her. Here's an apple, sonny, for being such a wise little
+lad!"</p>
+
+<p>"I should think I am, ma! When she showed me the penny I told her that
+what you said was something awful, and worth sixpence at least!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_336" id="Page_336">[Pg 336]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A BAD CASE</h3>
+
+<p>"Rather absent-minded, isn't he?"</p>
+
+<p>"Extremely so. Why, the other night when he got home he knew there was
+something he wanted to do, but he couldn't remember what it was until he
+had sat up over an hour trying to think."</p>
+
+<p>"And did he finally remember it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, he discovered that he wanted to go to bed early."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BLACK SUPERSTITION</h3>
+
+<p><i>Architect:</i> "Have you any suggestions for the study, Mr. Quickrich?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Quickrich:</i> "Only that it must be brown. Great thinkers, I understand,
+are generally found in a brown study."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HALF A DUCK DEEP</h3>
+
+<p>Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a
+youngster if it was deep.</p>
+
+<p>"No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found
+that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.</p>
+
+<p>When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted: "I
+thought you said it wasn't deep?"</p>
+
+<p>"It isn't," was the reply; "it only takes grandfather's ducks up to
+their middles!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_337" id="Page_337">[Pg 337]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">COULDN'T RESIST IT</h3>
+
+<p>"Look here," began the youth, as he entered a butcher's shop, and
+displayed two lovely-looking black-and-blue eyes, "you have fresh beef
+for sale?"</p>
+
+<p>"I have," responded the butcher.</p>
+
+<p>"And fresh beef is good for black eyes, is it not?"</p>
+
+<p>"It is."</p>
+
+<p>"Very well. I have the eyes, you have the beef. Do you think you can
+sell me a pound or so without asking how I got ornamented?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'll do my best, sir."</p>
+
+<p>The butcher cut off the meat, and received his money without another
+look at his customer. At the last moment, however, the old Adam proved
+too strong for him.</p>
+
+<p>"Look here," he said, handing back the cash, "I'll make you a present of
+the beef. Now tell me all about the fight."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Do you know anything about palmistry, Herbert?" she asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, not much," he answered, "although I had an experience last night
+which might be considered a remarkable example of palmistry. I happened
+to glance at the hand of a friend, and I immediately predicted he would
+presently become the possessor of a considerable amount of money. Before
+he left the room he had a nice little sum handed to him."</p>
+
+<p>"And you foretold that from his hand?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, it had four aces in it."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_338" id="Page_338">[Pg 338]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Young Harold was late for Sunday-school and the minister inquired the
+cause. "I was going fishing, but father wouldn't let me," announced the
+lad.</p>
+
+<p>"That's the right kind of a father to have," replied the reverend
+gentleman. "Did he explain the reason why he would not let you go?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir. He said there wasn't bait enough for two."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"My good man, you had better take the trolley car home."</p>
+
+<p>"Sh' no ushe! My wife wouldn't let me&mdash;hic&mdash;keep it in th' house."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Newlywed:</i> "Oh, Jack, you left the kitchen door open and the
+draught has shut my cookery book, so that now I haven't the faintest
+idea what it is I'm cooking."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Goin' in that house over there?" said the first tramp.</p>
+
+<p>"I tried that house last week. I ain't goin' there any more," replied
+Tramp No. 2.</p>
+
+<p>"'Fraid on account of the dog?"</p>
+
+<p>"Me trousers are."</p>
+
+<p>"Trousers are what?"</p>
+
+<p>"Frayed on account of the dog."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A QUESTION OF LOCALITY</h3>
+
+<p>"Bobby," said the lady in the tramcar, severely, "why don't you get up
+and give your seat to your<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_339" id="Page_339">[Pg 339]</a></span> father? Doesn't it pain you to see him
+reaching for the strap?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not in a car," said Bobby. "It does at home."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HER SOFT ANSWER</h3>
+
+<p>They had had their usual altercation over the breakfast table, and hubby
+exclaimed:</p>
+
+<p>"What would you do if I were one of those husbands who get up cross in
+the morning, bang the things about, and kick because the coffee is
+cold?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why," replied his wife, "I should make it hot for you!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HE WAS WRONG</h3>
+
+<p><i>Prison Visitor:</i> "Am I right in presuming that it was your passion for
+strong drink that brought you here?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Prisoner:</i> "I don't think you can know this place, guv'nor. It's the
+last place on earth I'd come to if I was looking for anything to drink."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">OPENING FATHER'S EYES</h3>
+
+<p>"Papa," said Little Horatio, "can you explain philosophy to me?"</p>
+
+<p>"Of course I can," answered his proud parent.</p>
+
+<p>"Natural philosophy, my son, is the science of cause and reason. Now,
+for instance, you see the steam <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_340" id="Page_340">[Pg 340]</a></span>coming out of that kettle, but you
+don't know why, or for what reason it does so, and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! but I do, papa," chirped little Horatio knowingly. "The reason the
+steam comes out of the kettle is so that ma can open your letters
+without you knowing it."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NICE</h3>
+
+<p>She had only been married a month, when her friend called to see how she
+was getting on.</p>
+
+<p>"We're getting on fine!" exclaimed the young wife. "We have a joint
+account in the bank; it's such fun to pay bills by cheque."</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean by joint account?" asked the caller. "Do you put in
+equal sums?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! I don't put in anything," was the explanation. "Tom puts it in, and
+I draw it out!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NOT NEEDED</h3>
+
+<p><i>O'Grady:</i> "And why do you want to sell your nightshirt?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Pat:</i> "Shure, and what good is it to me now whin oive me new job av
+night watchman an' slape in the day toimes?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SHE COULD USE HIM</h3>
+
+<p>"Rastus," said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account and
+shiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year at
+hard labour."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_341" id="Page_341">[Pg 341]</a></span></p><p>"Please, Jedge," interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the rear of the court
+room, "will yo' Honah jes' split dat sentence? Don't send him away from
+home, but let dat hard labour stand."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DECLINED WITH THANKS</h3>
+
+<p>Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that
+quaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise." He couldn't
+get along at all with the modern type of farmhands. So, after thinking
+matters over, Brown decided to reform.</p>
+
+<p>After many trials he secured a strapping, big fellow, and resolved to
+keep that hand at any cost. Accordingly, the first morning he waited
+until four o'clock before he called him for breakfast.</p>
+
+<p>"Get out of there quick if you want anything to eat."</p>
+
+<p>"Thanks very much," said the new hand, "but I never eat anything just
+before going to sleep."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MANAGING THE MANAGERS</h3>
+
+<p>This conversation was overheard in the corridor of the offices of a
+large firm. Needless to say, the speakers were lady clerks&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"He's given me such a fearful telling-off," said one; "just because I
+couldn't find him his copy of 'Who's Who.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Pooh! Don't cry, you little silly. You've got to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_342" id="Page_342">[Pg 342]</a></span> manage him. When
+you've been here six weeks, like I have, you'll jolly well tell him to
+buy a copy of 'Where's Which,' and find his old 'Who's Who' himself!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A GREAT LIGHT</h3>
+
+<p>The skipper was examining an ambitious gob who wanted to be a gunner's
+mate.</p>
+
+<p>"How much does a six-pound shell weigh?" he asked.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know," the gob confessed.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, what time does the twelve o'clock train leave?"</p>
+
+<p>"Twelve o'clock."</p>
+
+<p>"All right, then, how much does a six-pound shell weigh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah," said the youthful mariner, a great light dawning on him. "Twelve
+pounds."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The two flappers at the Strand seemed barely in their 'teens, yet their
+conversation stamped them as seasoned film fans. They were discussing
+titles of pictures in general, and the tiny blonde expressed regret that
+the recent German importations had had their titles changed for American
+consumption. "If they had only called that picture 'Du Barry' instead of
+'Passion,' think what a hit it would have made!"</p>
+
+<p>Her bobbed-hair companion tossed her head and scoffed: "Don't you
+believe it. There's millions of folks never heard of Du Barry, but every
+one knows about passion."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_343" id="Page_343">[Pg 343]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"We will take as our text this morning," announced the absent-minded
+clergyman, consulting his memorandum, "the sixth and seventh verses of
+the thirty-first chapter of Proverbs." Never suspecting that his
+vivacious son and heir had found the memorandum in his study on the
+previous night, and, knowing that his papa had composed a sermon
+celebrating the increased severity of dry law enforcement, had
+diabolically changed the chapter and verse numerals to indicate a very
+different text, the absent-minded clergyman turned to the place and read
+aloud these words of Solomon: "Give strong drink unto him that is ready
+to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink
+and forget his past poverty, and remember his misery no more."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"You don't mean to say it cost you $7000 to have your family tree looked
+up?"</p>
+
+<p>"No; $2000 to have it looked up and $5000 to have it hushed up."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>The Aristocrat</i> (<i>returning to school</i>): My ancestors came over with
+William the Conqueror.</p>
+
+<p><i>The New Girl:</i> That's nothing! <i>My</i> father came over in the same boat
+with Mary Pickford!</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>It was Judgment Day, and throngs of people were crowding around the
+Pearly Gates trying to convince St. Peter that they were entitled to
+enter Heaven. To the first applicant St. Peter said, "What kind of a car
+do you own?"</p>
+
+<p>"A Packard," was the reply.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_344" id="Page_344">[Pg 344]</a></span></p><p>"All right," said St. Peter, "you go over there with the Presbyterians."</p>
+
+<p>The next in line testified that he owned a Buick, and was told to stand
+over with the Congregationalists. Behind him was the owner of a Dodge,
+who was ordered to stand with the Baptists. Finally a meek little
+individual came along.</p>
+
+<p>"What kind of a car do you own?" was the question.</p>
+
+<p>"A Ford," was the answer.</p>
+
+<p>"You just think you own a car. You go over there with the Christian
+Scientists."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>The Housewife:</i> My goodness! I don't believe you've washed yourself for
+a year.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Hobo:</i> Just about that. You see, I only washes before I eats.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>The Professor:</i> A diamond is the hardest known substance, inasmuch as
+it will cut glass.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Cynic:</i> Glass! My dear sir, a diamond will even make an impression
+on a woman's heart.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Boss:</i> What do you mean by such language? Are you the manager here or
+am I?</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones:</i> I know I'm not the manager.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Boss:</i> Very well, then, if you're not the manager, why do you talk
+like a blamed idiot?</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Pa, what's an actor?"</p>
+
+<p>"An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the side of a stage, peer
+into the wings at a group of other actors waiting for their cues, a
+number of bored stage<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_345" id="Page_345">[Pg 345]</a></span> hands, and a lot of theatrical odds and ends, and
+exclaim, 'What a lovely view there is from this window!"'</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Is she making a rich marriage?"</p>
+
+<p>"I should hope to tell you; he is a butcher who has been arrested three
+times for profiteering."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SANDY SCORED</h3>
+
+<p>A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Sandy, you're getting very bent. Why don't you stand up straight,
+like me?"</p>
+
+<p>"Eh, mon," replied Sandy, "d'ye see yon field of corn?"</p>
+
+<p>"I do," said the laird.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, weel," said Sandy, "ye'll notice that the full heids hang down, an'
+that the empty yins stand up."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WITH A RESERVATION</h3>
+
+<p>"Miss Smith&mdash;Belinda," sighed the young man, passionately, "there is
+something I want to tell you&mdash;something that I&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"What is it?" asked the girl, as she leaned back in her chair, with a
+bored expression on her face.</p>
+
+<p>The young man drew a long breath, and his face turned to dull purple.
+"It is a question which is very near to any heart," he said awkwardly.
+"Could you&mdash;do you think you could ever marry a man like me?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_346" id="Page_346">[Pg 346]</a></span></p><p>"Oh, yes," replied Belinda, quite calmly, "that is, if he wasn't too
+much like you!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TOO SMART</h3>
+
+<p>A Chinaman entered a jeweller's in Liverpool and asked to be shown some
+"welly good watches." The proprietor, a Jew, being absent, the
+prospective customer was attended to by his daughter, who got out three
+watches, marked respectively <i>&pound;</i>5, <i>&pound;</i>4, and <i>&pound;</i>3 10<i>s.</i>, and laid them
+in a row on the counter.</p>
+
+<p>The Chink, after looking very closely at them, called the attention of
+the Jewess to a watch on a shelf behind her; as she turned to obtain the
+watch he placed the higher-priced watch, in the place of the
+lower-priced one, and, not caring for the watch now shown him, said: "Me
+no likee that; I takee cheapee watch," paid <i>&pound;</i>3 10<i>s.</i>, and departed.</p>
+
+<p>Soon the girl discovered the deception, and told her father on his
+return.</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind, my tear," said he, with a smile; "dose vatches cost all de
+same brice&mdash;two pound; but vat a scoundrel dat Chinaman must be!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT</h3>
+
+<p>"Are all flowers popular?" asked the teacher.</p>
+
+<p>"No, ma'am," replied one of the bright little girls.</p>
+
+<p>"What flowers are not popular?"</p>
+
+<p>"Wall-flowers, ma'am."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_347" id="Page_347">[Pg 347]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NATIVE BORN</h3>
+
+<p>"He hit me on de koko, yer honour."</p>
+
+<p>"Your head?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yer honour."</p>
+
+<p>"Why don't you speak the English language?"</p>
+
+<p>"I do, yer honour. I never wuz out of dis country in me life."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THE JONAH</h3>
+
+<p>"Now, children," said the Sunday-school teacher, "I have told you the
+story of Jonah and the whale. Willie, you may tell me what this story
+teaches."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes'm," said Willie, the bright-eyed son ef the pastor; "it teaches
+that you can't keep a good man down."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THE SUBSTITUTE</h3>
+
+<p>A tourist at an hotel in Ireland asked the girl who waited at the table
+if he could have some poached eggs.</p>
+
+<p>"We haven't any eggs, sorr," she replied; then, after a moment's
+reflection, "but I think I could get ye some poached salmon."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE</h3>
+
+<p>The maiden of, er&mdash;forty or so, was much upset.</p>
+
+<p>Quoth she to a younger friend:</p>
+
+<p>"Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was
+nothing but a hopeless old maid."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_348" id="Page_348">[Pg 348]</a></span></p><p>"That's pretty frank!" exclaimed the friend.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; wasn't it unladylike of her?"</p>
+
+<p>"It certainly was rude," agreed the other. "Still, it's better than
+having her tell lies about you."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">GOOD OR BAD TURN?</h3>
+
+<p>"Did your late employer give you a testimonial, Jack?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, Tom. But the way employers look at it when I apply for a job make
+one think there's something wrong with it."</p>
+
+<p>"What does it say, then?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, he said I was one of the best men his firm had ever turned out."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">TALKING SENSE</h3>
+
+<p>"Darling," he asked, as he drew his fianc&eacute;e closer to him, "am I the
+first man you have ever kissed?"</p>
+
+<p>"William," replied the American girl, somewhat testily, "before we go
+any further I would like to ask you a few questions. You are, no doubt,
+fully aware that my father is a millionaire something like ten times
+over, aren't you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Y-yes."</p>
+
+<p>"You understand, no doubt, that when he dies all of his vast fortune
+will be left to me?"</p>
+
+<p>"Y-yes."</p>
+
+<p>"You know that I have a quarter of a million dollars in cash in my name
+at the bank?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_349" id="Page_349">[Pg 349]</a></span></p><p>"Y-yes."</p>
+
+<p>"And own two and a half million dollars' worth of property?"</p>
+
+<p>"Y-yes."</p>
+
+<p>"That my diamonds are insured to the value of a quarter of a million
+dollars?"</p>
+
+<p>"Y-yes."</p>
+
+<p>"My horses and motor-cars are worth seventy-five thousand dollars?"</p>
+
+<p>"Y-yes."</p>
+
+<p>"Then, for goodness' sake, talk sense! What difference would it make to
+you if I had been kissed by a thousand men before I met you?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A MAGIC HEALER</h3>
+
+<p>During an exciting game of football a player had two fingers of his
+right hand badly smashed, and on his way home from the ground he dropped
+into the doctor's to have them attended to.</p>
+
+<p>"Doctor," he asked, anxiously. "When this hand of mine heals, will I be
+able to play the piano?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly you will," the doctor assured him.</p>
+
+<p>"Then you're a wonder, doctor. I never could before."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SHE TOOK THEM</h3>
+
+<p>"I don't know whether I like these photos or not," said the young woman.
+"They seem rather indistinct."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_350" id="Page_350">[Pg 350]</a></span></p><p>"But, you must remember, madam," said the wily photographer, "that your
+face is not at all plain."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">BUT HE'S ON HIS WAY</h3>
+
+<p>Uncle Tom arrived at the station with the goat he was to ship north, but
+the freight agent was having difficulty in billing him.</p>
+
+<p>"What's this goat's destination, Uncle?" he asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Suh?"</p>
+
+<p>"I say, what's his destination? Where's he going?"</p>
+
+<p>Uncle Tom searched carefully for the tag. A bit of frayed cord was all
+that remained.</p>
+
+<p>"Dat ornery goat!" he exploded wrathfully. "Yo' know, suh, dat iggorant
+goat done completely et up his destination."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HER MATCH</h3>
+
+<p><i>Tommy:</i> "What's an echo, pa?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Pa:</i> "An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of
+the last word."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?" demanded
+the boss angrily.</p>
+
+<p>"It's like this, boss," explained the tardy one; "you kept telling me
+not to watch the clock during office hours, and I got so I didn't watch
+it at home either."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_351" id="Page_351">[Pg 351]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">SCIENTIFIC PROOF</h3>
+
+<p>One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She
+asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of
+the time. One little girl spoke up and said:</p>
+
+<p>"Yes'm; when it is a cold day, I can see the smoke."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Bolshie Tubthumper:</i> Yaas, there didn't ought to be no poor. We all
+ought to be wealthy, and the wealthy starvin' like us!</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Sunday School Teacher:</i> Now, Alfred, if you are always kind and polite
+to your playmates, what will be the result?</p>
+
+<p><i>Alfred:</i> They'll think they can lick me!</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A NATURAL PICTURE</h3>
+
+<p>A man and his eldest son went to have their photographs taken together,
+and the photographer said to the young man, "It will make a better
+picture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder."</p>
+
+<p>"H'm," said the father, "it would make a more natural picture if he put
+it in my pocket."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NOTHING TO SMILE AT</h3>
+
+<p>A Londoner was telling funny stories to a party of commercial men.</p>
+
+<p>An old Scotsman, sitting in a corner seat, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_352" id="Page_352">[Pg 352]</a></span>apparently took not the
+smallest notice, and no matter how loud the laughter, went on quietly
+reading his paper. This exasperated the story-teller, until at last he
+said: "I think it would take an inch auger to put a joke into a
+Scotsman's head."</p>
+
+<p>A voice from behind the paper replied: "Ay, man, but it wid need tae hae
+a finer point than ony o' yer stories, a'm thinking!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">DREW BLANK</h3>
+
+<p>The MacTavish was not a mean man. No; he just knew the value of money.</p>
+
+<p>So, when the MacTavish developed a sore throat he meditated fearfully
+upon the expenditure of a doctor's fee. As an alternative he hung about
+for a day and a half outside the local doctor's establishment. Finally
+he managed to catch the great man.</p>
+
+<p>"Say, doctor! Hoo's beez-ness wi' ye the noo?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, feyr, feyr!"</p>
+
+<p>"A s'pose ye've a deal o' prescribin' tae dae fer coolds an' sair
+throats?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ay!"</p>
+
+<p>"An' what dae ye gin'rally gie fer a sair throat?"</p>
+
+<p>"Naethin'," replied the canny old doctor, "I dinna' want a sair throat."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">A FRIEND IN NEED</h3>
+
+<p>What true friendship consists in depends on the temperament of the man
+who has a friend. It is <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_353" id="Page_353">[Pg 353]</a></span>related that at the funeral of Mr. Scroggs, who
+died extremely poor, the usually cold-blooded Squire Tightfist was much
+affected.</p>
+
+<p>"You thought a great deal of him, I suppose?" some one asked him.</p>
+
+<p>"Thought a great deal of him? I should think I did. There was a true
+friend. He never asked me to lend him a cent, though I knew well enough
+he was starving to death."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WHAT HE PREFERRED</h3>
+
+<p>He was one of the few remaining old-time darkies. He had finished the
+odd jobs for which he had been employed, and, hat in hand, appeared at
+the back door.</p>
+
+<p>"How much is it, uncle?" he was asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Yo' say how much? Jest whatever yo' say, missus."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, but I would rather you'd say how much," the lady of the house
+replied.</p>
+
+<p>"Yas, ma'am! But, ma'am, Ah'd rather hab de seventy-five cents yo 'would
+gimme dan de fifty cents Ah'd charge yo'."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">READY TO JOIN</h3>
+
+<p><i>Minister:</i> Would you care to join us in the new missionary movement?</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Ala Mode:</i> I'm crazy to try it. Is it anything like the fox trot?</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_354" id="Page_354">[Pg 354]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HELPFUL PA!</h3>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> Do you think your father would be willing to help me in the
+future?</p>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> Well, I heard him say he felt like kicking you into the middle of
+next week.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Daughter," said the old man, sternly, "I positively forbid you marrying
+this young scapegrace! He is an inveterate poker player!"</p>
+
+<p>"But, papa," tearfully protested Alicia Hortense, "poker playing is not
+such an awful habit. Why, at your own club&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"That's where I got my information, daughter. I'll have no daughter of
+mine bringing home a man that I can't beat with a flush, a full house,
+and fours."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"I think, Lucille, I'll take one of the children to the park with me.
+Which one do you think would go best with this dress?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">HE KNEW</h3>
+
+<p>Mr. and Mrs. Smith had been invited to a friend's for tea, and the time
+had arrived for preparing for the visit. "Come along, dearie," said Mr.
+Smith to her three-year-old son, "and have your face washed."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't want to be washed," came the reply.</p>
+
+<p>"But," said mother, "you don't want to be a dirty boy, do you? I want my
+little boy to have a nice, clean face for the ladies to kiss."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_355" id="Page_355">[Pg 355]</a></span></p><p>Upon this persuasion he gave way, and was washed. A few minutes later he
+stood watching his father washing. "Ha, ha, daddy!" he cried, "I know
+why you're washing!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">THEY WILT</h3>
+
+<p>"Which weeds are the easiest to kill?" asked young Flickers of Farmer
+Sassfras, as he watched that good man at his work.</p>
+
+<p>"Widow's weeds," replied the farmer. "You have only to say 'Wilt thou?'
+and they wilt."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NOT STRONG ENOUGH</h3>
+
+<p>Muriel, aged four, was taken by her governess to have tea with an aunt.
+Presently she began to eat a piece of very rich cake.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I just love this chocolate cake!" she exclaimed. "It's awfully
+nice."</p>
+
+<p>"Muriel, dear," corrected her governess, "it is wrong to say you 'love'
+cake, and I've frequently pointed out that 'just' is wrongly used in
+such a sentence. Again, 'awfully' is quite wrong, 'very' would be more
+correct, dear. Now repeat your remark, please."</p>
+
+<p>Muriel obediently repeated: "I like chocolate cake; it is very good."</p>
+
+<p>"That's better, dear," said the governess, approvingly.</p>
+
+<p>"But it sounds as if I was talking about bread," protested the little
+girl.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_356" id="Page_356">[Pg 356]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">WHY HE PICKED PICTISH</h3>
+
+<p>An English mother was visiting her son at college.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, dear," she said, "what languages did you decide to take?"</p>
+
+<p>"I have decided to take Pictish, mother," he replied.</p>
+
+<p>"Pictish?" said the puzzled lady. "Why Pictish?"</p>
+
+<p>"Only five words of it remain," he said.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">PLAYED THEM BOTH UP</h3>
+
+<p>A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenly
+it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one of
+the areas. The lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for the
+appearance of the hoop's owner. He arrived.</p>
+
+<p>"Please, I've broken your window," he said, "and father's come to mend
+it."</p>
+
+<p>Sure enough the boy was followed by a man, who at once set to work,
+while the boy, taking his hoop, ran off. The window finished, the man
+said:</p>
+
+<p>"That'll be three shillings, mum."</p>
+
+<p>"Three shillings!" gasped the woman. "But your son broke it. The little
+fellow with the hoop. You're his father, aren't you?"</p>
+
+<p>The man shook his head.</p>
+
+<p>"Never seen him before," he said. "He came round to my place and said
+his mother wanted her window mended. You're his mother, aren't you?"</p>
+
+<p>And the good woman could only shake her head; for once words failed her.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_357" id="Page_357">[Pg 357]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">JUSTICE AT LAST</h3>
+
+<p>It was the usual domestic storm.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" moaned wifey in tears. "I wish I'd taken poor
+mother's advice, and never married you!"</p>
+
+<p>Hubby, the strong, silent man, swung round on her quickly, and at last
+found voice.</p>
+
+<p>"Did your mother try to stop you marrying me?" he demanded.</p>
+
+<p>Wifey nodded violently.</p>
+
+<p>A look of deep remorse crossed hubby's face.</p>
+
+<p>"Great Scott," he cried, in broken tones, "how I wronged that woman!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">IN ORDER TO BE FILLED</h3>
+
+<p>Two negroes were working in a coal-bin in a Mississippi town, one down
+in the bin throwing out the coal and the other wielding a shovel. The
+one inside picked up a large lump and heaving it carelessly into the
+air, struck the other a resounding blow on the head.</p>
+
+<p>As soon as the victim had recovered from his momentary daze he walked
+over to the edge of the bin and, peering down at his mate, said:</p>
+
+<p>"Nigger, how come you don't watch where you throws dat coal? You done
+hit me smack on de haid."</p>
+
+<p>The other one looked surprised.</p>
+
+<p>"Did I hit you?"</p>
+
+<p>"You sho' did," came the answer. "And I jes' wants to tell you, I've
+been promising the debil a man a long time, and you certainly does
+resemble my promise."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_358" id="Page_358">[Pg 358]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"And would you love me as much if father lost all his money?"</p>
+
+<p>"Has he?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, no."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course I would, darling."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Why do you object to children in your apartment house?"</p>
+
+<p>"As a matter of kindness. People who are raising families can't be
+expected to pay the rentals I require."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">CAUSTIC</h3>
+
+<p>A good story is told of a pawky old Scot, who like many others, finds
+himself rather short of cash just now. His account was &pound;60 over drawn,
+and the banker rang him up on the telephone to tell him about it, and to
+suggest that he had better bring it down a bit or clear it altogether.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, aye," replied the pawky one. "I'm &pound;60 short am I? Will ye just look
+up an' tell me hoo my account stood in June?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," the banker said, "you were all right then; you had &pound;250 to your
+credit."</p>
+
+<p>"Aye, an' did I ring you up in June?" was the caustic rejoinder.</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The newly-elected president of a banking institution was being
+introduced to the employees. He singled out one of the men in the
+cashier's cage, questioning him in detail about his work, etc. "I have
+been here forty years," said the cashier's assistant, with conscious<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_359" id="Page_359">[Pg 359]</a></span>
+pride, "and in all that time I only made one slight mistake."</p>
+
+<p>"Good," replied the president. "Let me congratulate you. But hereafter
+be more careful."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>First Sailor</i> (<i>searching vainly for his ship after a few hours'
+leave</i>): "But she was 'ere when we went ashore, wasn't she?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Sailor:</i> "It's them blokes at Washington. They've started
+scrappin' the fleet, an' begun on us."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NOT WORTH MUCH</h3>
+
+<p>The tourist from the East had stopped to change tires in a desolate
+region of the far South. "I suppose," he remarked to a native onlooker,
+"that even in these isolated parts the bare necessities of life have
+risen tremendously in price?"</p>
+
+<p>"Y'er right, stranger," replied the native, "and it ain't worth drinkin'
+when ye get it."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">NOTHING TO FEAR</h3>
+
+<p><i>Irate Golfer:</i> "You must take your children away from here, madam; this
+is no place for them."</p>
+
+<p><i>Mother:</i> "Now don't you worry&mdash;they can't 'ear nothin' new&mdash;their
+father was a sergeant-major, 'e was!"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<h3 class="left">MISLED</h3>
+
+<p><i>The Client:</i> "I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that were
+advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b., and when they were delivered they
+were empty."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_360" id="Page_360">[Pg 360]</a></span></p><p><i>The Lawyer:</i> "Well, what do you expect?"</p>
+
+<p><i>The Client:</i> "Full of booze. Isn't that what f. o. b. means?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>During a conversation between an Irishman and a Jew, the Irishman asked
+how it was that the Jews were so wise.</p>
+
+<p>"Because," said the Jew, "we eat a certain kind of fish;" and he offered
+to sell one for ten dollars.</p>
+
+<p>After paying his money, the Irishman received a small dried fish. He bit
+into it, then exclaimed: "Why, this is only a smoked herring."</p>
+
+<p>"See?" said the Jew. "You are getting wise already."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said the old man to his visitor, "I am proud of my girls and
+would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little
+money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary,
+twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1000
+when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five again. I
+shall give her $3000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will
+have $5000 with her." The young man reflected a moment and then asked,
+"You haven't one about fifty, have you?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Mary," said the mistress, "did you ask every one for cards to-day, as I
+told you, when they called?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes'm. One fellow he wouldn't give me no card, but I swiped his hat an'
+shoved him off th' steps. Here's his name on th' sweat band."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_361" id="Page_361">[Pg 361]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall I do?"</p>
+
+<p>"But, my dear daughter, you've only known him three weeks."</p>
+
+<p>"I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I delay in accepting him
+he might find out some things about me he won't like, too."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Would you marry a man to reform him?"</p>
+
+<p>"What does he do?"</p>
+
+<p>"He drinks."</p>
+
+<p>"Marry him, girlie, and find out where he gets it. We need him badly in
+our set."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"I would like to have a globe of the earth."</p>
+
+<p>"What size, madam?"</p>
+
+<p>"Life-size, of course."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Wife:</i> "George, is that you?"</p>
+
+<p><i>George:</i> "Why certainly! Who else you 'shpecting at this timernight?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>She</i> (<i>tenderly</i>): "And are mine the only lips you have kissed?"</p>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "Yes, and they are the sweetest of all."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Jazz:</i> "My girl told me she weighed 120 the other night."</p>
+
+<p><i>Beau:</i> "Stripped?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Jazz:</i> "Yeh; she was in an evening gown."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Newlywed</i> (<i>on her first day's shopping</i>): "I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_362" id="Page_362">[Pg 362]</a></span> want two pieces of
+steak and&mdash;and about half a pint of gravy."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Farmer:</i> "Would you like to buy a jug of cider?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Tourist:</i> "Well&mdash;er&mdash;is it ambitious and willing to work?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Papa:</i> "Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss you in the parlor last
+night?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Daughter:</i> "Because I was afraid he'd catch cold in the hall."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack."</p>
+
+<p>"Then why didn't you marry him?"</p>
+
+<p>"I met him again so often."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Interviewer:</i> "What sort of girls make the best show-girls?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Stage Manager:</i> "Those who have the most to show, of course."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "What do you mean by kissing me? What do you mean?"</p>
+
+<p><i>He:</i> "Er&mdash;er&mdash;nothing."</p>
+
+<p><i>She:</i> "Then don't you dare do it again. I won't have any man kissing me
+unless he means business, d'ye hear?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Foreman:</i> "'Ow is it that little feller always carries two planks to
+your one?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_363" id="Page_363">[Pg 363]</a></span></p><p><i>Laborer:</i> "'Cos 'e's too blinkin' lazy to go back fer the other one."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>in box</i>): "Can you look over my shoulders?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Sailor:</i> "I've just been looking over both of them, an' by gosh they
+are great."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"How times have changed!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes?"</p>
+
+<p>"Imagine Rosa Bonheur painting a flock of Ford tractors."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Sailor Bill:</i> "These New York gals seem to be wearin' sort o' light
+canvas."</p>
+
+<p><i>Sailor Dan:</i> "Yes&mdash;you seldom see a full-rigged skirt, or anything."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Tramp:</i> "Would you please 'elp a pore man whose wife is out o' work?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"I 'ear your 'usband 'as turned Bolshie."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, not absolootly; but 'e 'as a lenin' that way."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A popular Oklahoma City salesman recently married, and was accompanied
+by his wife as he entered the dining-room of a Texas hotel famed for its
+excellent cuisine. His order was served promptly, but the fried chicken
+he had been telling his wife so much about was not in evidence.</p>
+
+<p>"Where is my chicken?" he asked somewhat irritably.</p>
+
+<p>The dusky waiter, leaning over and bringing his mouth in close proximity
+to the salesman's ear, replied:</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_364" id="Page_364">[Pg 364]</a></span></p><p>"Ef youse mean de li'l gal with blue eyes an' fluffy hair, she doan'
+wo'k heah no mo'."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Do you really believe in heredity?"</p>
+
+<p>"Most certainly I do. That is how I came into all my money."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>An attorney of Los Angeles advertised for a chauffeur. Some twenty-odd
+responded and were being questioned as to qualifications, efficiency,
+and whether married or single. Finally, turning to a negro chap, he
+said:</p>
+
+<p>"How about you, George, are you married?"</p>
+
+<p>Quickly the negro responded: "Naw-sir, boss, naw-sir. Ah makes mah own
+livin'."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>A boy and his mother were taking in the circus. Looking at the
+hippopotamus, he said: "Ma, ain't that the ugliest damn thing you ever
+saw?"</p>
+
+<p>"Bill," said his ma, "didn't I tell you never to say 'ain't.'"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Vell, Ikey, my poy," said Sol to his son, "I've made my vill and left
+it all to you."</p>
+
+<p>"That's very good of you, father," remarked Ike, eyeing him
+suspiciously. "But, bless you, it cost a lot of money for the lawyer and
+fees and things!"</p>
+
+<p>"Vell?" said Ike more suspiciously. "Vell, it ain't fair I should pay
+all dot, is it? So I'll shust take it off from your next month's
+salary."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. McNab</i> (<i>after having his lease read over to him</i>): "I will not
+sign that; I have na' been able tae keep Ten<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_365" id="Page_365">[Pg 365]</a></span> Commandments for a mansion
+in Heaven, an' I'm no' gaun tae tackle about a hundred for twa rooms in
+the High Street."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Come, Dorothy," said her father impatiently, "throw your doll on the
+bed and hurry or we shall be late."</p>
+
+<p>"Daddy, how can you?" reproved the child. "I isn't' that kind of a
+muvver."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"You say you doted on your last mistress?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, mum. I certainly did."</p>
+
+<p>"Then why did you leave her?"</p>
+
+<p>"We couldn't continue to be friends on my wages, mum."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"What's the matter with Smith? Got lumbago or spinal curvature or
+something?"</p>
+
+<p>"No; he has to walk that way to fit some shirts his wife made for him."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"James, have you whispered to-day without permission?"</p>
+
+<p>"Only wunst."</p>
+
+<p>"Leroy, should James have said wunst?"</p>
+
+<p>"No'm; he should have said twict."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"It appears to be your record, Mary," said the magistrate, "that you
+have already been convicted thirty-five times of stealing."</p>
+
+<p>"I guess that's right, your honor," answered Mary. "No woman is
+perfect."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_366" id="Page_366">[Pg 366]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"That you, dearie? I'm detained at the office on very important business
+and I may not be home until late. Don't sit up for me."</p>
+
+<p>"I won't, dearie. You'll come home as early as you can, won't you? And
+John, dear&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; what is it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Please don't draw to any inside straights."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>The City Nephew:</i> "I'm glad to see Aunt Hetty dresses her hair sensibly
+instead of wearing those silly puffs over the ears."</p>
+
+<p><i>Uncle Talltimber:</i> "She tried 'em once an' they got tangled up with the
+telephone receiver an' she missed more'n half the gossip goin' on over
+our twenty-party line."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Ethel," said the bishop, "you seem to be a bright little girl; can you
+repeat a verse from the Bible?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'll say I can."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, my dear, let us have it."</p>
+
+<p>"The Lord is my shepherd&mdash;I should worry."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Wishing to give his Scotch steward a treat a man invited him to London,
+and on the night after his arrival took him to a hotel to dine. During
+the early part of the dinner the steward was noticed to help himself
+very liberally to the champagne, glass after glass of the wine
+disappearing. Still he seemed very downhearted and morose. Presently he
+was heard to remark, "Well, I hope they'll not be very long wi' the
+whisky, as I dinna get on verra weel wi' these mineral waters."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_367" id="Page_367">[Pg 367]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>An astronomer was entertaining a Scotch friend. He showed his visitor
+the moon through a telescope and asked him what he thought of the
+satellite.</p>
+
+<p>"It's a' richt," replied the Scot, who was an enthusiastic golfer, "but
+it's awfu' fu' o' bunkers."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"What are you doing, Marjory?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'se writing a letter to Lily Smif."</p>
+
+<p>"But, darling, you don't know how to write."</p>
+
+<p>"That's no diff'ence, mamma; Lily don't know how to read."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"What sort of an appearing man is he?"</p>
+
+<p>"Little dried-up feller," replied the gaunt Missourian, "that looks like
+he always ett at the second table."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Did you hear about the awful trouble that has befallen Mrs. Talkalot?"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't tell me she has lost her voice."</p>
+
+<p>"No, her husband has lost his hearing."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Two darky boys in a Southern city met on the street, each wearing a new
+suit. One asked:</p>
+
+<p>"Nigger, how much do they set you back for dem clo's?"</p>
+
+<p>"Fo'ty dollahs," was the response.</p>
+
+<p>"Fo'ty dollahs?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sah; fo'ty dollahs."</p>
+
+<p>"Look at me," said the first. "I'se got on a suit w'at's mos' perzactly
+like yourn, and I don't pay but ten dollahs fuh mine. Somebody shore
+flimflammed you."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_368" id="Page_368">[Pg 368]</a></span></p><p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>The possessor of the forty-dollar suit took hold of one of the coat
+sleeves of the ten-dollar suit and pulled on it. It stretched. Then
+straightening up he said:</p>
+
+<p>"See here, boy, the fust big rain yo' gets ketched out in dat coat of
+yourn is gwine to say, 'Good-by, nigger, f'om now on I'se gwine to be
+yo' vest.'"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"Do you think I shall live until I'm ninety, doctor?"</p>
+
+<p>"How old are you now?"</p>
+
+<p>"Forty."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?"</p>
+
+<p>"No. I don't drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I haven't
+any vices."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?"</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>"I say, Madge, it's bitterly cold. Hadn't you better put something on
+your chest?"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't worry, old thing. I've powdered it three times."</p>
+
+<p class="center">*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Father:</i> "Well, son, you certainly made a fool of yourself! That girl
+robbed you of every cent you had."</p>
+
+<p><i>Son:</i> "Well, dad, you have to hand it to me for picking them clever."</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jokes For All Occasions, by Anonymous
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS ***
+
+***** This file should be named 21084-h.htm or 21084-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/2/1/0/8/21084/
+
+Produced by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier, Martin Pettit and
+the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+
+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/21084-h/images/001.png b/21084-h/images/001.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4ba9f14
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-h/images/001.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f004.png b/21084-page-images/f004.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b90f043
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f004.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f005.png b/21084-page-images/f005.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9e8ba42
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f005.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f006.png b/21084-page-images/f006.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9797b4a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f006.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f007.png b/21084-page-images/f007.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..63857ec
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f007.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f008.png b/21084-page-images/f008.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b6a1cff
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f008.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f009.png b/21084-page-images/f009.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4053f6c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f009.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f010.png b/21084-page-images/f010.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0a1f181
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f010.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f011.png b/21084-page-images/f011.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..eff6e6f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f011.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f012.png b/21084-page-images/f012.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..737d76a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f012.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f013.png b/21084-page-images/f013.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f3c5079
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f013.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f014.png b/21084-page-images/f014.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e27e790
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f014.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f015.png b/21084-page-images/f015.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c914a5e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f015.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f016.png b/21084-page-images/f016.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a96963f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f016.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f017.png b/21084-page-images/f017.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8b3654b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f017.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f018.png b/21084-page-images/f018.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bb84bac
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f018.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f019.png b/21084-page-images/f019.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4a6e610
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f019.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f020.png b/21084-page-images/f020.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..571bb45
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f020.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f021.png b/21084-page-images/f021.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4544cc5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f021.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f022.png b/21084-page-images/f022.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ab14cab
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f022.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f023.png b/21084-page-images/f023.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4355422
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f023.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f024.png b/21084-page-images/f024.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5a1a821
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f024.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/f025.png b/21084-page-images/f025.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..29566a3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/f025.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p028.png b/21084-page-images/p028.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c9f8aad
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p028.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p029.png b/21084-page-images/p029.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f169fc2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p029.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p030.png b/21084-page-images/p030.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9abc160
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p030.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p031.png b/21084-page-images/p031.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3a5b76e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p031.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p032.png b/21084-page-images/p032.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..615403f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p032.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p033.png b/21084-page-images/p033.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b033b38
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p033.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p034.png b/21084-page-images/p034.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..296f5d1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p034.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p035.png b/21084-page-images/p035.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a32271a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p035.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p036.png b/21084-page-images/p036.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e8d87b9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p036.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p037.png b/21084-page-images/p037.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..547a953
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p037.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p038.png b/21084-page-images/p038.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d725884
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p038.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p039.png b/21084-page-images/p039.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..74e11b3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p039.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p040.png b/21084-page-images/p040.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3bc87ab
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p040.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p041.png b/21084-page-images/p041.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7eee887
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p041.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p042.png b/21084-page-images/p042.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..82e0081
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p042.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p043.png b/21084-page-images/p043.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0385d1c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p043.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p044.png b/21084-page-images/p044.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..66733f5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p044.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p045.png b/21084-page-images/p045.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..819a1c1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p045.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p046.png b/21084-page-images/p046.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2b21f07
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p046.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p047.png b/21084-page-images/p047.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..268afee
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p047.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p048.png b/21084-page-images/p048.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..36a8254
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p048.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p049.png b/21084-page-images/p049.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c2cab92
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p049.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p050.png b/21084-page-images/p050.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..659ac73
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p050.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p051.png b/21084-page-images/p051.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..10d9b02
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p051.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p052.png b/21084-page-images/p052.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7b983f9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p052.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p053.png b/21084-page-images/p053.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..39b36b4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p053.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p054.png b/21084-page-images/p054.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b4686a6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p054.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p055.png b/21084-page-images/p055.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8235fb9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p055.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p056.png b/21084-page-images/p056.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4c91044
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p056.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p057.png b/21084-page-images/p057.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4970a9e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p057.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p058.png b/21084-page-images/p058.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c184821
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p058.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p059.png b/21084-page-images/p059.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d291c34
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p059.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p060.png b/21084-page-images/p060.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..88a05b2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p060.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p061.png b/21084-page-images/p061.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..212a777
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p061.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p062.png b/21084-page-images/p062.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..330a6f3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p062.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p063.png b/21084-page-images/p063.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2f3d395
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p063.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p064.png b/21084-page-images/p064.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ef9d3e7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p064.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p065.png b/21084-page-images/p065.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8dfd69f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p065.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p066.png b/21084-page-images/p066.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e2d5ceb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p066.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p067.png b/21084-page-images/p067.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0c88758
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p067.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p068.png b/21084-page-images/p068.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5d404cf
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p068.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p069.png b/21084-page-images/p069.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d3dcf17
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p069.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p070.png b/21084-page-images/p070.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7c08821
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p070.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p071.png b/21084-page-images/p071.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..515be54
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p071.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p072.png b/21084-page-images/p072.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..91a7cf5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p072.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p073.png b/21084-page-images/p073.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8b5ed1a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p073.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p074.png b/21084-page-images/p074.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..08fb823
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p074.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p075.png b/21084-page-images/p075.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b812a26
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p075.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p076.png b/21084-page-images/p076.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5902c0a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p076.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p077.png b/21084-page-images/p077.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..91055b3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p077.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p078.png b/21084-page-images/p078.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..408b7a8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p078.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p079.png b/21084-page-images/p079.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2ea403c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p079.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p080.png b/21084-page-images/p080.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..375e493
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p080.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p081.png b/21084-page-images/p081.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..23ed6fa
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p081.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p082.png b/21084-page-images/p082.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fee47c8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p082.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p083.png b/21084-page-images/p083.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ebdc3eb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p083.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p084.png b/21084-page-images/p084.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f7e9dd5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p084.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p085.png b/21084-page-images/p085.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9cb5739
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p085.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p086.png b/21084-page-images/p086.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0a01500
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p086.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p087.png b/21084-page-images/p087.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0ca5627
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p087.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p088.png b/21084-page-images/p088.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3a94804
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p088.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p089.png b/21084-page-images/p089.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e033244
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p089.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p090.png b/21084-page-images/p090.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5c36ce2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p090.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p091.png b/21084-page-images/p091.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..87d75be
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p091.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p092.png b/21084-page-images/p092.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cc3f5f2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p092.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p093.png b/21084-page-images/p093.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cf6b3a5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p093.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p094.png b/21084-page-images/p094.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c5a25b6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p094.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p095.png b/21084-page-images/p095.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..91ad369
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p095.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p096.png b/21084-page-images/p096.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..91c810f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p096.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p097.png b/21084-page-images/p097.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..458f545
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p097.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p098.png b/21084-page-images/p098.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..245c33b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p098.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p099.png b/21084-page-images/p099.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c117bfe
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p099.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p100.png b/21084-page-images/p100.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..46dbff6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p100.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p101.png b/21084-page-images/p101.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a39b990
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p101.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p102.png b/21084-page-images/p102.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d619f55
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p102.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p103.png b/21084-page-images/p103.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8b7a3e3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p103.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p104.png b/21084-page-images/p104.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a73e03d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p104.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p105.png b/21084-page-images/p105.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bde00bb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p105.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p106.png b/21084-page-images/p106.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..156f462
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p106.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p107.png b/21084-page-images/p107.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a673698
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p107.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p108.png b/21084-page-images/p108.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9dc1b81
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p108.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p109.png b/21084-page-images/p109.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2bfa071
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p109.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p110.png b/21084-page-images/p110.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0caa492
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p110.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p111.png b/21084-page-images/p111.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..759894d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p111.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p112.png b/21084-page-images/p112.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e2435e2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p112.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p113.png b/21084-page-images/p113.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..59d62fd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p113.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p114.png b/21084-page-images/p114.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9cce456
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p114.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p115.png b/21084-page-images/p115.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0c27ac1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p115.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p116.png b/21084-page-images/p116.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bcff581
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p116.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p117.png b/21084-page-images/p117.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9f7768c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p117.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p118.png b/21084-page-images/p118.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cad69d8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p118.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p119.png b/21084-page-images/p119.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..14cc0a5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p119.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p120.png b/21084-page-images/p120.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a0099c6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p120.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p121.png b/21084-page-images/p121.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..83bae34
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p121.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p122.png b/21084-page-images/p122.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4b07d27
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p122.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p123.png b/21084-page-images/p123.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..566bcae
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p123.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p124.png b/21084-page-images/p124.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..83657b4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p124.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p125.png b/21084-page-images/p125.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6d5f5b5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p125.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p126.png b/21084-page-images/p126.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9a0841f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p126.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p127.png b/21084-page-images/p127.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..975d616
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p127.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p128.png b/21084-page-images/p128.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..593a1ac
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p128.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p129.png b/21084-page-images/p129.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5e2b046
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p129.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p130.png b/21084-page-images/p130.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2ae89a1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p130.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p131.png b/21084-page-images/p131.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7ec9678
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p131.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p132.png b/21084-page-images/p132.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d3d9988
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p132.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p133.png b/21084-page-images/p133.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..595555a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p133.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p134.png b/21084-page-images/p134.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..13f192a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p134.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p135.png b/21084-page-images/p135.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ad5a3bb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p135.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p136.png b/21084-page-images/p136.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4586404
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p136.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p137.png b/21084-page-images/p137.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9c997a5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p137.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p138.png b/21084-page-images/p138.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..df242f8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p138.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p139.png b/21084-page-images/p139.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..37e5c74
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p139.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p140.png b/21084-page-images/p140.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..436e815
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p140.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p141.png b/21084-page-images/p141.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..65d224e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p141.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p142.png b/21084-page-images/p142.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fad956a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p142.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p143.png b/21084-page-images/p143.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..817e3d2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p143.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p144.png b/21084-page-images/p144.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9616c72
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p144.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p145.png b/21084-page-images/p145.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f082666
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p145.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p146.png b/21084-page-images/p146.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4ea8995
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p146.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p147.png b/21084-page-images/p147.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..11c99a3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p147.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p148.png b/21084-page-images/p148.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2a20b18
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p148.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p149.png b/21084-page-images/p149.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2dda338
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p149.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p150.png b/21084-page-images/p150.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f017d07
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p150.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p151.png b/21084-page-images/p151.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b13de7a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p151.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p152.png b/21084-page-images/p152.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c12523f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p152.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p153.png b/21084-page-images/p153.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..20f489a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p153.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p154.png b/21084-page-images/p154.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..14fe794
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p154.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p155.png b/21084-page-images/p155.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..df9315e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p155.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p156.png b/21084-page-images/p156.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ddb5d0d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p156.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p157.png b/21084-page-images/p157.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ab1c08b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p157.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p158.png b/21084-page-images/p158.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8fb6c8c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p158.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p159.png b/21084-page-images/p159.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..03c2f3c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p159.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p160.png b/21084-page-images/p160.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c504d5e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p160.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p161.png b/21084-page-images/p161.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..61f9486
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p161.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p162.png b/21084-page-images/p162.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9a159d5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p162.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p163.png b/21084-page-images/p163.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..39a5238
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p163.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p164.png b/21084-page-images/p164.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8641d1f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p164.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p165.png b/21084-page-images/p165.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c5a907a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p165.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p166.png b/21084-page-images/p166.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d785735
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p166.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p167.png b/21084-page-images/p167.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..90b1400
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p167.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p168.png b/21084-page-images/p168.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a5e43ff
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p168.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p169.png b/21084-page-images/p169.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..65db951
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p169.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p170.png b/21084-page-images/p170.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5beb36d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p170.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p171.png b/21084-page-images/p171.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..77f86e3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p171.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p172.png b/21084-page-images/p172.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8ff16d1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p172.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p173.png b/21084-page-images/p173.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b61ce77
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p173.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p174.png b/21084-page-images/p174.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..25b7639
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p174.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p175.png b/21084-page-images/p175.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e0d69b7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p175.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p176.png b/21084-page-images/p176.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2087ecb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p176.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p177.png b/21084-page-images/p177.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a5af943
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p177.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p178.png b/21084-page-images/p178.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3127b2d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p178.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p179.png b/21084-page-images/p179.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9f321ae
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p179.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p180.png b/21084-page-images/p180.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..26b45a5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p180.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p181.png b/21084-page-images/p181.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6d68b9d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p181.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p182.png b/21084-page-images/p182.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..72cc5cc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p182.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p183.png b/21084-page-images/p183.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8e20bbf
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p183.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p184.png b/21084-page-images/p184.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bb65ab1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p184.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p185.png b/21084-page-images/p185.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..40d5adb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p185.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p186.png b/21084-page-images/p186.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e9782ca
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p186.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p187.png b/21084-page-images/p187.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ecabc78
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p187.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p188.png b/21084-page-images/p188.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..79efe6a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p188.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p189.png b/21084-page-images/p189.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1b93102
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p189.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p190.png b/21084-page-images/p190.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1756de3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p190.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p191.png b/21084-page-images/p191.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..87ae55e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p191.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p192.png b/21084-page-images/p192.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..21389d1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p192.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p193.png b/21084-page-images/p193.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..15b9492
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p193.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p194.png b/21084-page-images/p194.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..98d6751
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p194.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p195.png b/21084-page-images/p195.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3b1501a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p195.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p196.png b/21084-page-images/p196.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3f22a01
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p196.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p197.png b/21084-page-images/p197.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..904de6f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p197.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p198.png b/21084-page-images/p198.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..025a9d1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p198.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p199.png b/21084-page-images/p199.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2708f9c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p199.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p200.png b/21084-page-images/p200.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..71788bf
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p200.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p201.png b/21084-page-images/p201.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6a34c04
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p201.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p202.png b/21084-page-images/p202.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0b7109f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p202.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p203.png b/21084-page-images/p203.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e4f5272
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p203.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p204.png b/21084-page-images/p204.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1e3bd95
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p204.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p205.png b/21084-page-images/p205.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a93be3d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p205.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p206.png b/21084-page-images/p206.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..343f7b3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p206.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p207.png b/21084-page-images/p207.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b11a45d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p207.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p208.png b/21084-page-images/p208.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f29e70c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p208.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p209.png b/21084-page-images/p209.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f5e29bb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p209.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p210.png b/21084-page-images/p210.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..34ad769
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p210.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p211.png b/21084-page-images/p211.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0848b14
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p211.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p212.png b/21084-page-images/p212.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9b21fd8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p212.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p213.png b/21084-page-images/p213.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7ef4007
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p213.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p214.png b/21084-page-images/p214.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e09f9d0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p214.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p215.png b/21084-page-images/p215.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0902b9d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p215.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p216.png b/21084-page-images/p216.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4f0c13f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p216.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p217.png b/21084-page-images/p217.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bc667af
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p217.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p218.png b/21084-page-images/p218.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..47f0296
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p218.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p219.png b/21084-page-images/p219.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..27dbd9b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p219.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p220.png b/21084-page-images/p220.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ded345b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p220.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p221.png b/21084-page-images/p221.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a490397
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p221.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p222.png b/21084-page-images/p222.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..afe4ff3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p222.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p223.png b/21084-page-images/p223.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..28ae5e7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p223.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p224.png b/21084-page-images/p224.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bfacbec
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p224.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p225.png b/21084-page-images/p225.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b569df4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p225.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p226.png b/21084-page-images/p226.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b972d77
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p226.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p227.png b/21084-page-images/p227.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2502375
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p227.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p228.png b/21084-page-images/p228.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c946919
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p228.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p229.png b/21084-page-images/p229.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8b150ee
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p229.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p230.png b/21084-page-images/p230.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9b811d2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p230.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p231.png b/21084-page-images/p231.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5bef7c4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p231.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p232.png b/21084-page-images/p232.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bac536d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p232.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p233.png b/21084-page-images/p233.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0e9c8be
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p233.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p234.png b/21084-page-images/p234.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c978518
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p234.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p235.png b/21084-page-images/p235.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9d208d5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p235.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p236.png b/21084-page-images/p236.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..11d8726
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p236.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p237.png b/21084-page-images/p237.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..017d072
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p237.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p238.png b/21084-page-images/p238.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..75c3c81
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p238.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p239.png b/21084-page-images/p239.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cb07ce1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p239.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p240.png b/21084-page-images/p240.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3a2d00e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p240.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p241.png b/21084-page-images/p241.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..70a5af3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p241.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p242.png b/21084-page-images/p242.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c3ff80a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p242.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p243.png b/21084-page-images/p243.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9afabe3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p243.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p244.png b/21084-page-images/p244.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c1c3511
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p244.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p245.png b/21084-page-images/p245.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6ba9448
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p245.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p246.png b/21084-page-images/p246.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..364bd46
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p246.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p247.png b/21084-page-images/p247.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3311f18
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p247.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p248.png b/21084-page-images/p248.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..34bd398
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p248.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p249.png b/21084-page-images/p249.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3732299
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p249.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p250.png b/21084-page-images/p250.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..54ca78f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p250.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p251.png b/21084-page-images/p251.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fe681f4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p251.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p252.png b/21084-page-images/p252.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b6e3732
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p252.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p253.png b/21084-page-images/p253.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c444f12
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p253.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p254.png b/21084-page-images/p254.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..423799a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p254.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p255.png b/21084-page-images/p255.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5c9fef3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p255.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p256.png b/21084-page-images/p256.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9b84ad5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p256.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p257.png b/21084-page-images/p257.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..efe3319
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p257.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p258.png b/21084-page-images/p258.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..abf9f7d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p258.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p259.png b/21084-page-images/p259.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..510be6f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p259.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p260.png b/21084-page-images/p260.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..706a950
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p260.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p261.png b/21084-page-images/p261.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7209254
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p261.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p262.png b/21084-page-images/p262.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0f64523
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p262.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p263.png b/21084-page-images/p263.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a78078d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p263.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p264.png b/21084-page-images/p264.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0b2d3a5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p264.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p265.png b/21084-page-images/p265.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f76f5ff
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p265.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p266.png b/21084-page-images/p266.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..61e6f85
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p266.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p267.png b/21084-page-images/p267.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1f1a8bf
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p267.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p268.png b/21084-page-images/p268.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4cb3931
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p268.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p269.png b/21084-page-images/p269.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..477711d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p269.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p270.png b/21084-page-images/p270.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c94ade6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p270.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p271.png b/21084-page-images/p271.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..27bc846
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p271.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p272.png b/21084-page-images/p272.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ca8ba2b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p272.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p273.png b/21084-page-images/p273.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..650681d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p273.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p274.png b/21084-page-images/p274.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2c7c1a9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p274.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p275.png b/21084-page-images/p275.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8f0ec70
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p275.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p276.png b/21084-page-images/p276.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bff37e2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p276.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p277.png b/21084-page-images/p277.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..aaf6c4a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p277.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p278.png b/21084-page-images/p278.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0e6cdc6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p278.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p279.png b/21084-page-images/p279.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..37188a7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p279.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p280.png b/21084-page-images/p280.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..922d726
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p280.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p281.png b/21084-page-images/p281.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..04a8e6e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p281.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p282.png b/21084-page-images/p282.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f851e0c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p282.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p283.png b/21084-page-images/p283.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3327f5e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p283.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p284.png b/21084-page-images/p284.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d22ea67
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p284.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p285.png b/21084-page-images/p285.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1e2fdae
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p285.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p286.png b/21084-page-images/p286.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b997ced
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p286.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p287.png b/21084-page-images/p287.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..deae121
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p287.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p288.png b/21084-page-images/p288.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..74a965d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p288.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p289.png b/21084-page-images/p289.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..20af87c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p289.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p290.png b/21084-page-images/p290.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a4bd2cf
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p290.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p291.png b/21084-page-images/p291.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1b71462
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p291.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p292.png b/21084-page-images/p292.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..00766f8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p292.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p293.png b/21084-page-images/p293.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..dbac85f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p293.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p294.png b/21084-page-images/p294.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8733818
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p294.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p295.png b/21084-page-images/p295.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a0dc016
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p295.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p296.png b/21084-page-images/p296.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..53d5e0f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p296.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p297.png b/21084-page-images/p297.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2572c5d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p297.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p298.png b/21084-page-images/p298.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7559921
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p298.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p299.png b/21084-page-images/p299.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..122b1cf
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p299.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p300.png b/21084-page-images/p300.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b910880
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p300.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p301.png b/21084-page-images/p301.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..87449ab
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p301.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p302.png b/21084-page-images/p302.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1ea27fe
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p302.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p303.png b/21084-page-images/p303.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f9f49d3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p303.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p304.png b/21084-page-images/p304.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..80a71eb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p304.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p305.png b/21084-page-images/p305.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..aa00480
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p305.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p306.png b/21084-page-images/p306.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b6ccb1f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p306.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p307.png b/21084-page-images/p307.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c4d0152
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p307.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p308.png b/21084-page-images/p308.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..10549c7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p308.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p309.png b/21084-page-images/p309.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5b9e997
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p309.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p310.png b/21084-page-images/p310.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3aa9df3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p310.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p311.png b/21084-page-images/p311.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7138c01
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p311.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p312.png b/21084-page-images/p312.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c1bb204
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p312.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p313.png b/21084-page-images/p313.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..96e80cc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p313.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p314.png b/21084-page-images/p314.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..851df0f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p314.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p315.png b/21084-page-images/p315.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9f82854
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p315.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p316.png b/21084-page-images/p316.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..edc151d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p316.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p317.png b/21084-page-images/p317.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d11a2e4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p317.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p318.png b/21084-page-images/p318.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0501c36
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p318.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p319.png b/21084-page-images/p319.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c3fa2ee
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p319.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p320.png b/21084-page-images/p320.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d185495
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p320.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p321.png b/21084-page-images/p321.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0465ea8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p321.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p322.png b/21084-page-images/p322.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..432961f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p322.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p323.png b/21084-page-images/p323.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..00d82cf
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p323.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p324.png b/21084-page-images/p324.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2fd3e4f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p324.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p325.png b/21084-page-images/p325.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3aa1292
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p325.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p326.png b/21084-page-images/p326.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e0f9777
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p326.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p327.png b/21084-page-images/p327.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3be3b74
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p327.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p328.png b/21084-page-images/p328.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6d73535
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p328.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p329.png b/21084-page-images/p329.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7828bd1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p329.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p330.png b/21084-page-images/p330.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e58586c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p330.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p331.png b/21084-page-images/p331.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cbfa814
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p331.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p332.png b/21084-page-images/p332.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..80ee155
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p332.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p333.png b/21084-page-images/p333.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6c4c57c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p333.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p334.png b/21084-page-images/p334.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4d7bb7c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p334.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p335.png b/21084-page-images/p335.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c8adbaf
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p335.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p336.png b/21084-page-images/p336.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..55f9078
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p336.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p337.png b/21084-page-images/p337.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d93fa44
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p337.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p338.png b/21084-page-images/p338.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..475f33b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p338.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p339.png b/21084-page-images/p339.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8f1ca2b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p339.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p340.png b/21084-page-images/p340.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7c2e31c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p340.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p341.png b/21084-page-images/p341.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9ed5483
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p341.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p342.png b/21084-page-images/p342.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2442c62
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p342.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p343.png b/21084-page-images/p343.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..432591d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p343.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p344.png b/21084-page-images/p344.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..10a4c51
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p344.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p345.png b/21084-page-images/p345.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5feb3d6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p345.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p346.png b/21084-page-images/p346.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..10166b3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p346.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p347.png b/21084-page-images/p347.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6eb3029
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p347.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p348.png b/21084-page-images/p348.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ed634d4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p348.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p349.png b/21084-page-images/p349.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cbc4a2b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p349.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p350.png b/21084-page-images/p350.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b3e2764
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p350.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p351.png b/21084-page-images/p351.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..22502ec
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p351.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p352.png b/21084-page-images/p352.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..86b3278
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p352.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p353.png b/21084-page-images/p353.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..71b1b89
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p353.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p354.png b/21084-page-images/p354.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..07e32ab
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p354.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p355.png b/21084-page-images/p355.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..86b1301
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p355.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p356.png b/21084-page-images/p356.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..00995ab
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p356.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p357.png b/21084-page-images/p357.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e91571d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p357.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p358.png b/21084-page-images/p358.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2d42907
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p358.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p359.png b/21084-page-images/p359.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a436944
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p359.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p360.png b/21084-page-images/p360.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d9ca164
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p360.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p361.png b/21084-page-images/p361.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6a75e6f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p361.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p362.png b/21084-page-images/p362.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8a38645
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p362.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p363.png b/21084-page-images/p363.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..25e6ee5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p363.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p364.png b/21084-page-images/p364.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a7c6e06
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p364.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p365.png b/21084-page-images/p365.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..396ef4c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p365.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p366.png b/21084-page-images/p366.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1b4c6e0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p366.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p367.png b/21084-page-images/p367.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..70a3320
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p367.png
diff --git a/21084-page-images/p368.png b/21084-page-images/p368.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..668249b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084-page-images/p368.png
diff --git a/21084.txt b/21084.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..311d1a1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,13844 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Jokes For All Occasions, by Anonymous
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Jokes For All Occasions
+       Selected and Edited by One of America's Foremost Public Speakers
+
+Author: Anonymous
+
+Release Date: April 15, 2007 [EBook #21084]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier, Martin Pettit and
+the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS
+
+
+SELECTED AND EDITED BY ONE OF AMERICA'S FOREMOST PUBLIC SPEAKERS
+
+[Illustration: Publisher's logo]
+
+
+NEW YORK
+EDWARD J. CLODE
+
+
+COPYRIGHT, 1921, 1922, BY
+
+EDWARD J. CLODE
+
+
+_Printed in the United States of America_
+
+
+
+
+JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+The ways of telling a story are as many as the tellers themselves. It is
+impossible to lay down precise rules by which any one may perfect
+himself in the art, but it is possible to offer suggestions by which to
+guide practise in narration toward a gratifying success.
+
+Broadly distinguished, there are two methods of telling a story. One
+uses the extreme of brevity, and makes its chief reliance on the point.
+The other devotes itself in great part to preliminary elaboration in the
+narrative, making this as amusing as possible, so that the point itself
+serves to cap a climax. In the public telling of an anecdote the tyro
+would be well advised to follow the first method. That is, he should put
+his reliance on the point of the story, and on this alone. He should
+scrupulously limit himself to such statements as are absolutely
+essential to clear understanding of the point. He should make a careful
+examination of the story with two objects in mind: the first, to
+determine just what is required in the way of explanation; the second,
+an exact understanding of the point itself. Then, when it comes to the
+relating of the story, he must simply give the information required by
+the hearers in order to appreciate the point. As to the point itself, he
+must guard against any carelessness. Omission of an essential detail is
+fatal. It may be well for him, at the outset, to memorize the conclusion
+of the story. No matter how falteringly the story is told, it will
+succeed if the point itself be made clear, and this is insured for even
+the most embarrassed speaker by memorizing it.
+
+The art of making the whole narration entertaining and amusing is to be
+attained only by intelligent practise. It is commonly believed that
+story-sellers are born, not made. As a matter of fact, however, the
+skilled raconteurs owe their skill in great measure to the fact that
+they are unwearying in practise. It is, therefore, recommended to any
+one having ambition in this direction that he cultivate his ability by
+exercising it. He should practise short and simple stories according to
+his opportunities, with the object of making the narration smooth and
+easy. An audience of one or two familiar friends is sufficient in the
+earlier efforts. Afterward, the practise may be extended before a larger
+number of listeners on social occasions. When facility has been attained
+in the simplest form, attempts to extend the preliminary narrative
+should be made. The preparation should include an effort to invest the
+characters of the story; or its setting, with qualities amusing in
+themselves, quite apart from any relation to the point. Precise
+instruction cannot be given, but concentration along this line will of
+itself develop the humorous perception of the story-teller, so that,
+though the task may appear too difficult in prospect, it will not prove
+so in actual experience. But, in every instance, care must be exercised
+to keep the point of the story clearly in view, and to omit nothing
+essential in the preparation for it.
+
+In the selection of stories to be retailed, it is the part of wisdom to
+choose the old, rather than the new. This is because the new story, so
+called, travels with frightful velocity under modern social conditions,
+and, in any particular case, the latest story, when told by you to a
+friend, has just been heard by him from some other victim of it. But
+the memory of most persons for stories is very short. Practically never
+does it last for years. So, it is uniformly safe to present as novelties
+at the present day the humor of past decades. Moreover, the exercise of
+some slight degree of ingenuity will serve to give those touches in the
+way of change by which the story may be brought up to date. Indeed, by
+such adaptation, the story is made really one's own--as the professional
+humorists thankfully admit!
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+
+Wit and humor, and the distinction between them, defy precise
+definition. Luckily, they need none. To one asking what is beauty, a wit
+replied: "That is the question of a blind man." Similarly, none requires
+a definition of wit and humor unless he himself be lacking in all
+appreciation of them, and, if he be so lacking, no amount of explanation
+will avail to give him understanding. Borrow, in one of his sermons,
+declared concerning wit: "It is, indeed, a thing so versatile,
+multiform, appearing in so many shapes and garbs, so variously
+apprehended of several eyes and judgments, that it seemeth no less hard
+to settle a clear and certain notion thereof than to make a portrait of
+Proteus, or to define the figure of the fleeting wind." Nor is it
+fitting to attempt exact distinctions between wit and humor, which are
+essentially two aspects of one thing. It is enough to realize that humor
+is the product of nature rather than of art, while wit is the expression
+of an intellectual art. Humor exerts an emotional appeal, produces
+smiles or laughter; wit may be amusing, or it may not, according to the
+circumstances, but it always provokes an intellectual appreciation.
+Thus, Nero made a pun on the name of Seneca, when the philosopher was
+brought before him for sentence. In speaking the decree that the old man
+should kill himself, the emperor used merely the two Latin words: "Se
+neca." We admit the ghastly cleverness of the jest, but we do not
+chuckle over it.
+
+The element of surprise is common to both wit and humor, and it is
+often a sufficient cause for laughter in itself, irrespective of any
+essentially amusing quality in the cause of the surprise. The
+unfamiliar, for this reason, often has a ludicrous appeal to primitive
+peoples. An African tribe, on being told by the missionary that the
+world is round, roared with laughter for hours; it is told of a Mikado
+that he burst a blood-vessel and died in a fit of merriment induced by
+hearing that the American people ruled themselves. In like fashion, the
+average person grins or guffaws at sight of a stranger in an outlandish
+costume, although, as a matter of fact, the dress may be in every
+respect superior to his own. Simply, its oddity somehow tickles the
+risibilities. Such surprise is occasioned by contrasting circumstances.
+When a pompous gentleman, marching magnificently, suddenly steps on a
+banana peel, pirouettes, somersaults, and sits with extreme violence, we
+laugh before asking if he broke a leg.
+
+The fundamentals of wit and humor are the same throughout all the
+various tribes of earth, throughout all the various ages of history. The
+causes of amusement are essentially the same everywhere and always, and
+only the setting changes according to time and place. But racial
+characteristics establish preferences for certain aspects of fun-making,
+and such preferences serve to some extent in differentiating the written
+humor of the world along the lines of nationality. Nevertheless, it is a
+fact that the really amusing story has an almost universal appeal. I
+have seen in an American country newspaper a town correspondent's
+humorous effort in which he gave Si Perkins's explanation of being in
+jail. And that explanation ran on all fours with a Chinese story ages
+and ages old. The local correspondent did not plagiarize from the
+Chinaman: merely, the humorous bent of the two was identical. In the
+ancient Oriental tale, a man who wore the thief's collar as a punishment
+was questioned by an acquaintance concerning the cause of his plight.
+
+"Why, it was just nothing at all," the convict explained easily. "I was
+strolling along the edge of the canal, when I happened to catch sight of
+a bit of old rope. Of course, I knew that old piece of rope was of no
+use to anyone, and so I just picked it up, and took it home with me."
+
+"But I don't understand," the acquaintance exclaimed. "Why should they
+punish you so severely for a little thing like that? I don't understand
+it."
+
+"I don't understand it, either," the convict declared, "unless, maybe,
+it was because there was an ox at the other end of the rope."
+
+The universality of humor is excellently illustrated in Greek
+literature, where is to be found many a joke at which we are laughing
+to-day, as others have laughed through the centuries. Half a thousand
+years before the Christian era, a platonic philosopher at Alexandria, by
+name Hierocles, grouped twenty-one jests in a volume under the title,
+"Asteia." Some of them are still current with us as typical Irish bulls.
+Among these were accounts of the "Safety-first" enthusiast who
+determined never to enter the water until he had learned to swim; of the
+horse-owner, training his nag to live without eating, who was successful
+in reducing the feed to a straw a day, and was about to cut this off
+when the animal spoiled the test by dying untimely; of the fellow who
+posed before a looking glass with his eyes closed, to learn how he
+looked when asleep; of the inquisitive person who held a crow captive in
+order to test for himself whether it would live two centuries; of the
+man who demanded to know from an acquaintance met in the street whether
+it was he or his twin brother who had just been buried. Another Greek
+jest that has enjoyed a vogue throughout the world at large, and will
+doubtless survive even prohibition, was the utterance of Diogenes, when
+he was asked as to what sort of wine he preferred. His reply was: "That
+of other people."
+
+Again, we may find numerous duplicates of contemporary stories of our
+own in the collection over which generations of Turks have laughed, the
+tales of Nasir Eddin. In reference to these, it may be noted that
+Turkish wit and humor are usually distinguished by a moralizing quality.
+When a man came to Nasir Eddin for the loan of a rope, the request was
+refused with the excuse that Nasir's only piece had been used to tie up
+flour. "But it is impossible to tie up flour with a rope," was the
+protest. Nasir Eddin answered: "I can tie up anything with a rope when I
+do not wish to lend it."
+
+When another would have borrowed his ass, Nasir replied that he had
+already loaned the animal. Thereupon, the honest creature brayed from
+the stable. "But the ass is there," the visitor cried indignantly. "I
+hear it!" Nasir Eddin retorted indignantly: "What! Would you take the
+word of an ass instead of mine?"
+
+In considering the racial characteristics of humor, we should pay
+tribute to the Spanish in the person of Cervantes, for _Don Quixote_ is
+a mine of drollery. But the bulk of the humor among all the Latin races
+is of a sort that our more prudish standards cannot approve. On the
+other hand, German humor often displays a characteristic spirit of
+investigation. Thus, the little boy watching the pupils of a girls'
+school promenading two by two, graded according to age, with the
+youngest first and the oldest last, inquired of his mother: "Mama, why
+is it that the girls' legs grow shorter as they grow older?" In the way
+of wit, an excellent illustration is afforded by Heine, who on receiving
+a book from its author wrote in acknowledgment of the gift: "I shall
+lose no time in reading it."
+
+The French are admirable in both wit and humor, and the humor is usually
+kindly, though the shafts of wit are often barbed. I remember a humorous
+picture of a big man shaking a huge trombone in the face of a tiny
+canary in its cage, while he roars in anger: "That's it! Just as I was
+about, with the velvety tones of my instrument, to imitate the
+twittering of little birds in the forest, you have to interrupt with
+your infernal din!" The caustic quality of French wit is illustrated
+plenteously by Voltaire. There is food for meditation in his utterance:
+"Nothing is so disagreeable as to be obscurely hanged." He it was, too,
+who sneered at England for having sixty religions and only one gravy. To
+an adversary in argument who quoted the minor prophet Habakkuk, he
+retorted contemptuously: "A person with a name like that is capable of
+saying anything."
+
+But French wit is by no means always of the cutting sort. Its more
+amiable aspect is shown by the declaration of Brillat Savarin to the
+effect that a dinner without cheese is like a beautiful woman with only
+one eye. Often the wit is merely the measure of absurdity, as when a
+courtier in speaking of a fat friend said: "I found him sitting all
+around the table by himself." And there is a ridiculous story of the
+impecunious and notorious Marquis de Favieres who visited a Parisian
+named Barnard, and announced himself as follows:
+
+"Monsieur, I am about to astonish you greatly. I am the Marquis de
+Favieres. I do not know you, but I come to you to borrow five-hundred
+luis."
+
+Barnard answered with equal explicitness:
+
+"Monsieur, I am going to astonish you much more. I know you, and I am
+going to lend them to you."
+
+The amiable malice, to use a paradoxical phrase, which is often
+characteristic of French tales, is capitally displayed in the following:
+
+The wife of a villager in Poitou became ill, and presently fell into a
+trance, which deceived even the physician, so that she was pronounced
+dead, and duly prepared for burial. Following the local usage, the body
+was wrapped in a sheet, to be borne to the burial place on the shoulders
+of four men chosen from the neighborhood. The procession followed a
+narrow path leading across the fields to the cemetery. At a turning, a
+thorn tree stood so close that one of the thorns tore through the sheet
+and lacerated the woman's flesh. The blood flowed from the wound, and
+she suddenly aroused to consciousness. Fourteen years elapsed before the
+good wife actually came to her deathbed. On this occasion, the
+ceremonial was repeated. And now, as the bearers of the body approached
+the turn of the path, the husband called to them:
+
+"Look out for the thorn tree, friends!"
+
+The written humor of the Dutch does not usually make a very strong
+appeal to us. They are inclined to be ponderous even in their play, and
+lack in great measure the sarcasm and satire and the lighter subtlety in
+fun-making. History records a controversy between Holland and Zealand,
+which was argued pro and con during a period of years with great
+earnestness. The subject for debate that so fascinated the Dutchmen was:
+"Does the cod take the hook, or does the hook take the cod?"
+
+Because British wit and humor often present themselves under aspects
+somewhat different from those preferred by us, we belittle their efforts
+unjustly. As a matter of fact, the British attainments in this direction
+are the best in the world, next to our own. Moreover, in the British
+colonies is to be found a spirit of humor that exactly parallels our own
+in many distinctive features. Thus, there is a Canadian story that might
+just as well have originated below the line, of an Irish girl, recently
+imported, who visited her clergyman and inquired his fee for marrying.
+He informed her that his charge was two dollars. A month later, the girl
+visited the clergyman for the second time, and at once handed him two
+dollars, with the crisp direction, "Go ahead and marry me."
+
+"Where is the bridegroom?" the clergyman asked.
+
+"What!" exclaimed the girl, dismayed. "Don't you furnish him for the two
+dollars?"
+
+It would seem that humor is rather more enjoyable to the British taste
+than wit, though there is, indeed, no lack of the latter. But the people
+delight most in absurd situations that appeal to the risibilities
+without any injury to the feelings of others. For example, Dickens
+relates an anecdote concerning two men, who were about to be hanged at a
+public execution. When they were already on the scaffold in preparation
+for the supreme moment, a bull being led to market broke loose and ran
+amuck through the great crowd assembled to witness the hanging. One of
+the condemned men on the scaffold turned to his fellow, and remarked:
+
+"I say, mate, it's a good thing we're not in that crowd."
+
+In spite of the gruesome setting and the gory antics of the bull, the
+story is amusing in a way quite harmless. Similarly, too, there is only
+wholesome amusement in the woman's response to a vegetarian, who made
+her a proposal of marriage. She did, not mince her words:
+
+"Go along with you! What? Be flesh of your flesh, and you a-living on
+cabbage? Go marry a grass widow!"
+
+The kindly spirit of British humor is revealed even in sarcastic jesting
+on the domestic relation, which, on the contrary, provokes the bitterest
+jibes of the Latins. The shortest of jokes, and perhaps the most famous,
+was in the single word of _Punch's_ advice to those about to get
+married:
+
+"Don't!"
+
+The like good nature is in the words of a woman who was taken to a
+hospital in the East End of London. She had been shockingly beaten, and
+the attending surgeon was moved to pity for her and indignation against
+her assailant.
+
+"Who did this?" he demanded. "Was it your husband?"
+
+"Lor' bless yer, no!" she declared huffily. "W'y, my 'usband 'e 's more
+like a friend nor a 'usband!"
+
+Likewise, of the two men who had drunk not wisely but too well, with
+the result that in the small hours they retired to rest in the gutter.
+Presently, one of the pair lifted his voice in protest:
+
+"I shay, le's go to nuzzer hotel--this leaksh!"
+
+Or the incident of the tramp, who at the back door solicited alms of a
+suspicious housewife. His nose was large and of a purple hue. The woman
+stared at it with an accusing eye, and questioned bluntly:
+
+"What makes your nose so red?"
+
+The tramp answered with heavy sarcasm:
+
+"That 'ere nose o' mine, mum, is a-blushin' with pride, 'cause it ain't
+stuck into other folks's business."
+
+But British wit, while often amiable enough, may on occasion be as
+trenchant as any French sally. For example, we have the definition of
+gratitude as given by Sir Robert Walpole--"A lively sense of future
+favors." The Marquis of Salisbury once scored a clumsy partner at whist
+by his answer to someone who asked how the game progressed: "I'm doing
+as well as could be expected, considering that I have three
+adversaries." So the retort of Lamb, when Coleridge said to him:
+"Charles, did you ever hear me lecture?". * * * "I never heard you do
+anything else." And again, Lamb mentioned in a letter how Wordsworth had
+said that he did not see much difficulty in writing like Shakespeare, if
+he had a mind to try it. "Clearly," Lamb continued, "nothing is wanted
+but the mind." Then there is the famous quip that runs back to Tudor
+times, although it has been attributed to various later celebrities,
+including Doctor Johnson: A concert singer was executing a number lurid
+with vocal pyrotechnics. An admirer remarked that the piece was
+tremendously difficult. This drew the retort from another auditor:
+
+"Difficult! I wish to heaven it were impossible!"
+
+Americans are famous, and sometimes infamous, for their devotion to the
+grotesque in humor. Yet, a conspicuous example of such amusing absurdity
+was given by Thackeray, who made reference to an oyster so large that it
+took two men to swallow it whole.
+
+It is undeniable that the British are fond of puns. It is usual to sneer
+at the pun as the lowest form of wit. Such, alas! it too often is, and
+frequently, as well, it is a form of no wit at all. But the pun may
+contain a very high form of wit, and may please either for its
+cleverness, or for its amusing quality, or for the combination of the
+two. Naturally, the really excellent pun has always been in favor with
+the wits of all countries. Johnson's saying, that a man who would make a
+pun would pick a pocket, is not to be taken too seriously. It is not
+recorded that Napier ever "pinched a leather," but he captured Scinde,
+and in notifying the government at home of this victory he sent a
+dispatch of one word, "_Peccavi_" ("I have sinned"). The pun is of the
+sort that may be appreciated intellectually for its cleverness, while
+not calculated to cause laughter. Of the really amusing kind are the
+innumerable puns of Hood. He professed himself a man of many sorrows,
+who had to be a lively Hood for a livelihood. His work abounds in an
+ingenious and admirable mingling of wit and humor. For example:
+
+
+     "Ben Battle was a soldier bold,
+       And used to war's alarms,
+     But a cannon ball took off his legs,
+       So he laid down his arms.
+
+     "And as they took him off the field,
+       Cried he, 'Let others shoot,
+     'For here I leave my second leg,
+       'And the Forty-Second Foot.'"
+
+
+It is doubtless true that it would require a surgical operation to get a
+joke into some particular Scotchman's head. But we have some persons of
+the sort even in our own country. Many of the British humorists have
+been either Scotch or Irish, and it is rather profitless to attempt
+distinctions as to the humorous sense of these as contrasted with the
+English. Usually, stories of thrift and penuriousness are told of the
+Scotch without doing them much injustice, while bulls are designated
+Irish with sufficient reasonableness. In illustration of the Scotch
+character, we may cite the story of the visitor to Aberdeen, who was
+attacked by three footpads. He fought them desperately, and inflicted
+severe injuries. When at last he had been subdued and searched the only
+money found on him was a crooked sixpence. One of the thieves remarked
+glumly:
+
+"If he'd had a good shilling, he'd have killed the three of us."
+
+And there is the classic from _Punch_ of the Scotchman, who, on his
+return home from a visit to London, in describing his experiences,
+declared:
+
+"I had na been there an hour when bang! went saxpence!"
+
+Anent the Irish bull, we may quote an Irishman's answer when asked to
+define a bull. He said:
+
+"If you see thirteen cows lying down in a field, and one of them is
+standing up, that's a bull."
+
+A celebrity to whom many Irish bulls have been accredited was Sir Boyle
+Roche. He wrote in a letter:
+
+"At this very moment, my dear----, I am writing this with a sword in one
+hand and a pistol in the other."
+
+He it was who in addressing the Irish House of Commons asserted stoutly:
+
+"Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest of all possible
+misfortune is usually followed by a greater."
+
+And there is the hospitable invitation of the Irishman:
+
+"Sir, if you ever come within a mile of my house, I hope you will stop
+there." And it was an Irishman who remarked to another concerning a
+third: "You are thin, and I am thin, but he's as thin as the two of us
+put together." Also, it was an Irishman who, on being overtaken by a
+storm, remarked to his friend: "Sure, we'll get under a tree, and whin
+it's wet through, faith, we'll get under another."
+
+Naturally, we Americans have our own bulls a plenty, and they are by no
+means all derived from our Irish stock. Yet, that same Irish stock
+contributes largely and very snappily to our fund of humor. For the
+matter of that, the composite character of our population multiplies the
+varying phases of our fun. We draw for laughter on all the almost
+countless racial elements that form our citizenry. And the whole content
+of our wit and humor is made vital by the spirit of youth. The newness
+of our land and nation gives zest to the pursuit of mirth. We ape the
+old, but fashion its semblance to suit our livelier fancy. We moralize
+in our jesting like the Turk, but are likely to veil the maxim under
+the motley of a Yiddish dialect. Our humor may be as meditative as the
+German at its best, but with a grotesque flavoring all our own. Thus,
+the widow, in plaintive reminiscence concerning the dear departed, said
+musingly:
+
+"If John hadn't blowed into the muzzle of his gun, I guess he'd 'a' got
+plenty of squirrels. It was such a good day for them!"
+
+And in the moralizing vein, this:
+
+The little girl had been very naughty. She was bidden by her mother to
+make an addition to the accustomed bedtime prayer--a request that God
+would make her a better girl. So, the dear child prayed: "And, O God,
+please make Nellie a good little girl." And then, with pious
+resignation, she added:
+
+"Nevertheless, O God, Thy will, not mine, be done."
+
+At times, we are as cynical as the French. So of the husband, who
+confessed that at first after his marriage he doted on his bride to such
+an extent that he wanted to eat her--later, he was sorry that he hadn't.
+
+Our sophistication is such that this sort of thing amuses us, and, it is
+produced only too abundantly. Luckily, in contrast to it, we have no
+lack of that harmless jesting which is more typically English. For
+example, the kindly old lady in the elevator questioned the attendant
+brightly:
+
+"Don't you get awful tired, sonny?"
+
+"Yes, mum," the boy in uniform admitted.
+
+"What makes you so tired, sonny? Is it the going up?'
+
+"No, mum."
+
+"Is it the going down?"
+
+"No, mum."
+
+"Then what is it makes you so tired, sonny?"
+
+"It's the questions, mum."
+
+And this of the little boy, who was asked by his mother as to what he
+would like to give his cousin for a birthday present.
+
+"I know," was the reply, "but I ain't big enough."
+
+Many of our humorists have maintained a constant geniality in their
+humor, even in the treatment of distressing themes. For example, Josh
+Billings made the announcement that one hornet, if it was feeling well,
+could break up a whole camp meeting. Bill Nye, Artemas Ward and many
+another American writer have given in profusion of amiable sillinesses
+to make the nation laugh. It was one of these that told how a drafted
+man sought exemption because he was a negro, a minister, over age, a
+British subject, and an habitual drunkard.
+
+The most distinctive flavor in American humor is that of the grotesque.
+It is characteristic in Mark Twain's best work, and it is characteristic
+of most of those others who have won fame as purveyors of laughter. The
+American tourist brags of his own:
+
+"Talk of Vesuve--huh! Niag'll put her out in three minutes." That
+polished writer, Irving, did not hesitate to declare that Uncle Sam
+believed the earth tipped when he went West. In the archives of our
+government is a state paper wherein President Lincoln referred to
+Mississippi gunboats with draught so light that they would float
+wherever the ground was a little damp. Typically American in its
+grotesquerie was the assertion of a rural humorist who asserted that the
+hogs thereabout were so thin they had to have a knot tied in their
+tails to prevent them from crawling through the chinks in the fence.
+
+Ward displayed the like quality amusingly in his remark to the conductor
+of a tediously slow-moving accommodation train in the South. From his
+seat in the solitary passenger coach behind the long line of freight
+cars, he addressed the official with great seriousness:
+
+"I ask you, conductor, why don't you take the cow-catcher off the engine
+and put it behind the car here? As it is now, there ain't a thing to
+hinder a cow from strolling into a car and biting a passenger."
+
+Similar extravagance appears in another story of a crawling train. The
+conductor demanded a ticket from a baldheaded old man whose face was
+mostly hidden in a great mass of white whiskers.
+
+"I give it to ye," declared the ancient.
+
+"I don't reckon so," the conductor answered. "Where did you get on?"
+
+"At Perkins' Crossin'," he of the hoary beard replied.
+
+The conductor shook his head emphatically.
+
+"Wasn't anybody got aboard at Perkins' Crossin' 'cept one little boy."
+
+"I," wheezed the aged man, "was that little boy."
+
+In like fashion, we tell of a man so tall that he had to go up on a
+ladder to shave himself--and down cellar to put his boots on.
+
+We Americans are good-natured, as is necessary for humor, and we have
+brains, as is necessary for wit, and we have the vitality that makes
+creation easy, even inevitable. So there is never any dearth among us of
+the spirit of laughter, of its multiform products that by their power
+to amuse make life vastly more agreeable. Every newspaper, and most
+magazines carry their quota of jests. Never, anywhere, was the good
+story so universally popular as in America today. It is received with
+gusto in the councils of government, in church, in club, in cross-roads
+store. The teller of good stories is esteemed by all, a blessing
+undisguised. The collection that follows in this volume is, it is
+believed, of a sort that will help mightily to build an honorable fame
+for the narrator.
+
+For greater convenience in references to the volume, the various stories
+and anecdotes are placed under headings arranged in alphabetical order.
+The heading in every case indicates the subject to which the narration
+may be directly applied. This will be found most useful in selecting
+illustrations for addresses of any sort, or for use in arguments.
+History tells us how Lincoln repeatedly carried conviction by expressing
+his ideas through the medium of a story. His method is rendered
+available for any one by this book.
+
+
+
+
+STORIES.
+
+
+JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS
+
+ABSENTMINDEDNESS
+
+
+The man of the house finally took all the disabled umbrellas to the
+repairer's. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up to
+leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella
+belonging to a woman beside him, for he was in the habit of carrying
+one. The woman cried "Stop thief!" rescued her umbrella and covered the
+man with shame and confusion.
+
+That same day, he stopped at the repairer's, and received all eight of
+his umbrellas duly restored. As he entered a street car, with the
+unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold
+glaring at him the lady of his morning adventure. Her voice came to him
+charged with a withering scorn:
+
+"Huh! Had a good day, didn't you!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The absentminded inventor perfected a parachute device. He was taken up
+in a balloon to make a test of the apparatus. Arrived at a height of a
+thousand feet, he climbed over the edge of the basket, and dropped out.
+He had fallen two hundred yards when he remarked to himself, in a tone
+of deep regret:
+
+"Dear me! I've gone and forgotten my umbrella."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The professor, who was famous for the wool-gathering of his wits,
+returned home, and had his ring at the door answered by a new maid. The
+girl looked at him inquiringly:
+
+"Um--ah--is Professor Johnson at home?" he asked, naming himself.
+
+"No, sir," the maid replied, "but he is expected any moment now."
+
+The professor turned away, the girl closed the door. Then the poor man
+sat down on the steps to wait for himself.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The clergyman, absorbed in thinking out a sermon, rounded a turn in the
+path and bumped into a cow. He swept off his hat with a flourish,
+exclaiming:
+
+"I beg your pardon, madam."
+
+Then he observed his error, and was greatly chagrined. Soon, however,
+again engaged with thoughts of the sermon, he collided with a lady at
+another bend of the path.
+
+"Get out of the way, you brute!" he said.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The most absent-minded of clergymen was a Methodist minister who served
+several churches each Sunday, riding from one to another on horseback.
+One Sunday morning he went to the stable while still meditating on his
+sermon and attempted to saddle the horse. After a long period of toil,
+he aroused to the fact that he had put the saddle on himself, and had
+spent a full half hour in vain efforts to climb on his own back.
+
+
+ACQUAINTANCE
+
+The Scotchman who ran a livery was asked by a tourist as to how many the
+carryall would hold.
+
+"Fower generally," was the answer. "Likely sax, if they're weel
+aquaint."
+
+
+ACTORS
+
+The tragedian had just signed a contract to tour South Africa. He told a
+friend of it at the club. The friend shook his head dismally.
+
+"The ostrich," he explained in a pitying tone, "lays an egg weighing
+anywhere from two to four pounds."
+
+
+ADVERTISING
+
+The editor of the local paper was unable to secure advertising from one
+of the business men of the town, who asserted stoutly that he himself
+never read ads., and didn't believe anyone else did.
+
+"Will you advertise if I can convince you that folks read the ads.?" the
+editor asked.
+
+"If you can show me!" was the sarcastic answer. "But you can't."
+
+In the next issue of the paper, the editor ran a line of small type in
+an obscure corner. It read:
+
+"What is Jenkins going to do about it?"
+
+The business man, Jenkins, hastened to seek out the editor next day. He
+admitted that he was being pestered out of his wits by the curious. He
+agreed to stand by the editor's explanation in the forthcoming issue,
+and this was:
+
+"Jenkins is going to advertise, of course."
+
+Having once advertised, Jenkins advertises still.
+
+
+AFFECTION
+
+There are as many aspects of grief as there are persons to mourn. A
+quality of pathetic and rather grisly humor is to be found in the
+incident of an English laborer, whose little son died. The vicar on
+calling to condole with the parents found the father pacing to and fro
+in the living-room with the tiny body in his arms. As the clergyman
+spoke phrases of sympathy, the father, with tears streaming down his
+cheeks, interrupted loudly:
+
+"Oh, sir, you don't know how I loved that li'll faller. Yus, sir, if it
+worn't agin the law, I'd keep him, an' have him stuffed, that I would!"
+
+
+AGE
+
+The woman confessed to her crony:
+
+"I'm growing old, and I know it. Nowadays, the policeman never takes me
+by the arm when he escorts me through the traffic."
+
+
+ALIBI
+
+The mother called in vain for her young son. Then she searched the
+ground floor, the first story, the second, and the attic--all in vain.
+Finally, she climbed to the trap door in the roof, pushed it open, and
+cried:
+
+"John Henry, are you out there?"
+
+An answer came clearly:
+
+"No, mother. Have you looked in the cellar?"
+
+
+AMNESTY
+
+The nurse at the front regarded the wounded soldier with a puzzled
+frown.
+
+"Your face is perfectly familiar to me," she said, musingly. "But I
+can't quite place you somehow."
+
+"Let bygones be bygones, mum," the soldier said weakly. "Yes, mum, I was
+a policeman."
+
+
+ANATOMY
+
+The little boy, sent to the butcher shop, delivered himself of his
+message in these words:
+
+"Ma says to send her another ox-tail, please, an' ma says the last one
+was very nice, an' ma says she wants another off the same ox!"
+
+
+APPEARANCE
+
+Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and numerous
+scratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His mother was
+horrified at the spectacle presented by her darling. There were tears in
+her eyes as she addressed him rebukingly:
+
+"Oh, Willie, Willie! How often have I told you not to play with that
+naughty Peck boy!"
+
+Little Willie regarded his mother with an expression of deepest disgust.
+
+"Say, ma," he objected, "do I look as if I had been playing with
+anybody?"
+
+
+APPEARANCE
+
+The cross-eyed man at the ball bowed with courtly grace, and said:
+
+"May I have the pleasure of this dance?"
+
+Two wallflowers answered as with one voice:
+
+"With pleasure."
+
+
+APPETITE
+
+The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment museum for
+employment as a freak, and the following dialogue occurred:
+
+"Who are you?"
+
+"I am Enoch, the egg king."
+
+"What is your specialty?"
+
+"I eat three dozen hen's eggs, two dozen duck eggs, and one dozen goose
+eggs, at a single setting."
+
+"Do you know our program?"
+
+"What is it?"
+
+"We give four shows every day."
+
+"Oh, yes, I understand that."
+
+"And do you think you can do it?"
+
+"I know I can."
+
+"On Saturdays we give six shows."
+
+"All right."
+
+"On holidays we usually give a performance every hour."
+
+And now, at last, the young man showed signs of doubt.
+
+"In that case, I must have one thing understood before I'd be willing to
+sign a contract."
+
+"What?"
+
+"No matter what the rush of business is in the show, you've got to give
+me time to go to the hotel to eat my regular meals."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Daniel Webster was the guest at dinner of a solicitous hostess who
+insisted rather annoyingly that he was eating nothing at all, that he
+had no appetite, that he was not making out a meal. Finally, Webster
+wearied of her hospitable chatter, and addressed her in his most
+ponderous senatorial manner:
+
+"Madam, permit me to assure you that I sometimes eat more than at other
+times, but never less."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+It was shortly after Thanksgiving Day that someone asked the little boy
+to define the word appetite. His reply was prompt and enthusiastic:
+
+"When you're eating you're 'appy; and when you get through you're
+tight--that's appetite!"
+
+
+APPRECIATION
+
+The distinguished actor had a large photograph of Wordsworth prominently
+displayed in his dressing-room. A friend regarded the picture with some
+surprise, and remarked:
+
+"I see you are an admirer of Wordsworth."
+
+"Who's Wordsworth?" demanded the actor.
+
+"Why, that's his picture," was the answer, as the friend pointed.
+"That's Wordsworth, the poet."
+
+The actor regarded the photograph with a new interest.
+
+"Is that old file a poet?" he exclaimed in astonishment. "I got him for
+a study in wrinkles."
+
+
+ARGUMENT
+
+"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell
+over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by
+the leg."
+
+"Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?"
+
+"Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' course, ma'am. I never argues with sharks."
+
+
+ART
+
+An American tourist and his wife, after their return from abroad, were
+telling of the wonders seen by them at the Louvre in Paris. The husband
+mentioned with enthusiasm a picture which represented Adam and Eve and
+the serpent in the Garden of Eden, in connection with the eating of the
+forbidden fruit. The wife also waxed enthusiastic, and interjected a
+remark:
+
+"Yes, we found the picture most interesting, most interesting indeed,
+because, you see, we know the anecdote."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The Yankee tourist described glowingly the statue of a beautiful woman
+which he had seen in an art museum abroad.
+
+"And the way she stood, so up and coming, was grand. But," he added,
+with a tone of disgust, "those foreigners don't know how to spell. The
+name of the statue was Posish'--and it was some posish, believe me! and
+the dumb fools spelt it--'Psyche!'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Tell me, does your husband snore?"
+
+"Oh, yes, indeed--so delightfully."
+
+"What?"
+
+"Yes, really--he's so musical you know, his voice is baritone, he only
+snores operatic bits, mostly _Aida_."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The packer from Chicago admired a picture by Rosa Bonheur.
+
+"How much is that?" he demanded. The dealer quoted the price as $5,000.
+
+"Holy pig's feet!" the magnate spluttered. "For that money, I can buy
+live hogs and----"
+
+His wife nudged him in the ribs, and whispered:
+
+"Don't talk shop."
+
+
+ATHLETICS
+
+The sister spoke admiringly to the collegian who was calling on her
+after field day, at which she had been present.
+
+"And how they did applaud when you broke that record!"
+
+Her little brother, who overheard, sniffed indignantly.
+
+"Pa didn't applaud me for the one I broke," he complained. "He licked
+me."
+
+
+AUTHORS
+
+A woman lion-hunter entertained a dinner party of distinguished authors.
+These discoursed largely during the meal, and bored one another and more
+especially their host, who was not literary. To wake himself up, he
+excused himself from the table with a vague murmur about opening a
+window, and went out into the hall. He found the footman sound asleep in
+a chair. He shook the fellow, and exclaimed angrily:
+
+"Wake up! You've been listening at the keyhole."
+
+
+BABIES
+
+The visiting Englishman, with an eyeglass screwed to his eye, stared in
+fascinated horror at the ugliest infant he had ever seen, which was in
+its mother's arms opposite him in the street car. At last, his fixed
+gaze attracted the mother's attention, then excited her indignation.
+
+"Rubber!" she piped wrathfully.
+
+"Thank God!" exclaimed the Englishman. "I fancied it might be real."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The teacher had explained to the class that the Indian women are called
+squaws. Then she asked what name was given to the children?
+
+"Porpoises," came one eager answer.
+
+But a little girl whose father bred pigeons, called excitedly:
+
+"Please, teacher, they're squabs!"
+
+
+BAIT
+
+A gentleman strolling alongside a canal observed an old negro and a
+colored boy fishing. A moment later, a splash was heard. The boy had
+fallen into the water. The old darky, however, jumped in after the lad,
+and succeeded in getting him safely to the bank. There he stood the
+victim on his head to let the water drain out, and it was at this moment
+that the gentleman arrived on the scene with profuse expressions of
+admiration for the prompt rescue.
+
+"It was noble of you," the gentleman declared rather rhetorically, "to
+plunge into the water in that way at the risk of your life to save the
+boy. I congratulate you on your brave display of heroic magnanimity."
+
+The old colored man answered with an amiable grin:
+
+"All right, boss. Ah doan know nuffin' 'bout magn'imity. But Ah jess had
+to git dat boy out de water. He had de bait in his pocket."
+
+
+BALDNESS
+
+A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out.
+
+"Won't you give me something to keep it in?" he begged.
+
+"Take this," the doctor said kindly, and he handed the patient a pill
+box.
+
+
+BAPTISM
+
+On the way to the baptism, the baby somehow loosened the stopper of his
+bottle, with the result that the milk made a frightful mess over the
+christening robe. The mother was greatly shamed, but she was compelled
+to hand over the child in its mussed garments to the clergyman at the
+font.
+
+"What name?" the clergyman whispered.
+
+The agitated mother failed to understand, and thought that he complained
+of the baby's condition. So she offered explanation in the words:
+
+"Nozzle come off--nozzle come off!"
+
+The clergyman, puzzled, repeated his whisper:
+
+"What name?"
+
+"Nozzle come off--nozzle come off!" The woman insisted, almost in tears.
+
+The clergyman gave it up, and continued the rite:
+
+"Nozzlecomeoff Smithers, I baptize thee in the name of the Father and of
+the Son and of the Holy Ghost."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The aged negro clergyman announced solemnly from the pulpit:
+
+"Next Sabbath, dar will be a baptism in dis chu'ch, at half-pas' ten in
+de mawnin'. Dis baptism will be of two adults an' six adulteresses."
+
+
+BAPTISTS
+
+The old colored man left the Methodist Church and joined the Baptist.
+Soon afterward, he encountered his former pastor, who inquired the
+reason for his change of sect. The old man explained fully.
+
+"Fust off, I was 'Piscopal, but I hain't learned, an' they done say the
+service so fast, I nebber could keep up, an' when I come out behin', dey
+all look, an' I'se 'shamed. So I jined the Methodis'. Very fine church,
+yes, suh. But dey done has 'Quiry meetin's. An', suh, us cullud folkses
+can't bear too much 'quirin' into. An' a man says to me, 'Why don't you
+jine de Baptis'? De Baptis', it's jest _dip_ an' be done wid it! 'An' so
+I jined."
+
+
+BASEBALL
+
+The teacher directed the class to write a brief account of a baseball
+game. All the pupils were busy during the allotted time, except one
+little boy, who sat motionless, and wrote never a word. The teacher gave
+him an additional five minutes, calling them off one by one. The fifth
+minute had almost elapsed when the youngster awoke to life, and scrawled
+a sentence. It ran thus:
+
+"Rain--no game."
+
+
+BATTLE
+
+_Teacher:_ "In which of his battles was King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden
+slain?"
+
+_Pupil:_ "I'm pretty sure it was the last one."
+
+
+BEARS
+
+The old trapper was chased by a grizzly. When he had thrown away
+everything he carried, and found, nevertheless, that the bear was
+gaining rapidly, he determined to make a stand. As he came into a small
+clearing, he faced about with his back to a stump, and got out and
+opened his clasp-knife. The bear halted a rod away, and sat on its
+haunches, surveying its victim gloatingly. The trapper, though not
+usually given to praying, now improved the interval to offer a petition.
+
+"O God," he said aloud, with his eyes on the bear, "if you're on my
+side, let my knife git 'im quick in 'is vitals, an' if you're on 'is
+side, let 'im finish me fust off. But, O God, if you're nootral, you
+jist sit thar on that stump, an' you'll see the darndest bear fight you
+ever hearn tell on!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The guide introduced a tourist in the Rocky Mountains to an old hunter
+who was reputed to have slain some hundreds of bears.
+
+"This feller," the guide explained to the hunter, "would like to hear
+about some of the narrer escapes you've had from bears."
+
+The old mountaineer regarded the tourist with a disapproving stare.
+
+"Young man," he said, "if there's been any narrer escapes, the bears had
+'em."
+
+
+BEER
+
+The father of a school boy in New York City wrote to the boy's teacher a
+letter of complaint. Possibly he welcomed the advent of
+prohibition--possibly not! Anyhow, the letter was as follows:
+
+"Sir: Will you please for the future give my boy some eesier somes to do
+at nites. This is what he brought home to me three nites ago. If fore
+gallins of bere will fill thirty to pint bottles, how many pint and half
+bottles will nine gallins fill? Well, we tried and could make nothing of
+it all, and my boy cried and said he wouldn't go back to school without
+doing it. So, I had to go and buy a nine gallin' keg of bere, which I
+could ill afford to do, and then we went and borrowed a lot of wine and
+brandy bottles, beside a few we had by us. Well we emptied the keg into
+the bottles, and there was nineteen, and my boy put that down for an
+answer. I don't know whether it is rite or not, as we spilt some in
+doing it.
+
+P. S.--Please let the next one be water as I am not able to buy any more
+bere."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The new soda clerk was a mystery, until he himself revealed his shameful
+past quite unconsciously by the question he put to the girl who had just
+asked for an egg-shake.
+
+"Light or dark?" he asked mechanically.
+
+
+BEGGARS
+
+The cultured maid servant announced to her mistress, wife of the
+profiteer:
+
+"If you please, ma'am, there's a mendicant at the door."
+
+The mistress sniffed contemptuously:
+
+"Tell 'im there's nothin' to mend."
+
+
+
+BEGINNERS
+
+A woman visitor to the city entered a taxicab. No sooner was the door
+closed than the car leaped forward violently, and afterward went racing
+wildly along the street, narrowly missing collision with innumerable
+things. The passenger, naturally enough, was terrified. She thrust her
+head through the open window of the door, and shouted at the chauffeur:
+
+"Please, be careful, sir! I'm nervous. This is the first time I ever
+rode in a taxi."
+
+The driver yelled in reply, without turning his head:
+
+"That's all right, ma'am. It's the first time I ever drove one!"
+
+
+
+BETROTHAL
+
+The cook, Nora, had announced her engagement to a frequenter at the
+kitchen, named Mike. But a year passed and nothing was heard of the
+nuptials. So, one day, the mistress inquired:
+
+"When are you to be married, Nora?"
+
+"Indade, an' it's niver at all, I'll be thinkin', mum," the cook
+answered sadly.
+
+"Really? Why, what is the trouble?"
+
+The reply was explicit:
+
+"'Tis this, mum. I won't marry Mike when he's drunk, an' he won't marry
+me when he's sober."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The delinquent laggard swain had been telling of his ability as a
+presiding officer. The girl questioned him:
+
+"What is the parliamentary phrase when you wish to call for a vote?"
+
+The answer was given with proud certainty:
+
+"Are you ready for the question?"
+
+"Yes, dearest," the girl confessed shyly. "Go ahead."
+
+
+BIGAMY
+
+What is the penalty for bigamy?
+
+Two mothers-in-law.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The man was weak and naturally unlucky, and so he got married three
+times inside of a year. He was convicted and sentenced for four years.
+He seemed greatly relieved. As the expiration of his term grew near, he
+wrote from the penitentiary to his lawyer, with the plaintive query:
+
+"Will it be safe for me to come out?"
+
+
+BIRTH
+
+The little girl in the zooelogical park tossed bits of a bun to the
+stork, which gobbled them greedily, and bobbed its head toward her for
+more.
+
+"What kind of a bird is it, mamma?" the child asked.
+
+The mother read the placard, and answered that it was a stork.
+
+"O-o-o-h!" the little girl cried, as her eyes rounded. "Of course, it
+recognized me!"
+
+
+BLESSING
+
+The philosopher, on being interrupted in his thoughts by the violent
+cackling of a hen that had just laid an egg, was led to express his
+appreciation of a kind Providence by which a fish while laying a million
+eggs to a hen's one, does so in a perfectly quiet and ladylike manner.
+
+
+BLIND
+
+A shopkeeper with no conscience put by his door a box with a slit in the
+cover and a label reading, "For the Blind." A month later, the box
+disappeared. When some one inquired concerning it, the shopkeeper
+chuckled, and pointed to the window.
+
+"I collected enough," he explained. "There's the new blind."
+
+
+BLINDNESS
+
+The sympathetic and inquisitive old lady at the seashore was delighted
+and thrilled by an old sailor's narrative of how he was washed overboard
+during a gale and was only rescued after having sunk for the third time.
+
+"And, of course," she commented brightly, "after you sank the third
+time, your whole past life passed before your eyes."
+
+"I presoom as how it did, mum," the sailor agreed. "But bein' as I had
+my eyes shut, I missed it."
+
+
+BLOCKHEAD
+
+The recruit complained to the sergeant that he'd got a splinter in his
+finger.
+
+"Ye should have more sinse," was the harsh comment, "than to scratch
+your head."
+
+
+BONE OF CONTENTION
+
+The crowd in the car was packed suffocatingly close. The timid passenger
+thought of pickpockets, and thrust his hand into his pocket
+protectingly. He was startled to encounter the fist of a fat
+fellow-passenger.
+
+"I caught you that time!" the fat man hissed.
+
+"Thief yourself!" snorted the timid passenger. "Leggo!"
+
+"Scoundrel!" shouted the fat man.
+
+"Help! Stop thief!" the little fellow spluttered, trying to wrench his
+hand from the other's clasp. As the car halted, the tall man next the
+two disputants spoke sharply:
+
+"I want to get off here, if you dubs will be good enough to take your
+hands out of my pocket."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+During the Civil War, an old negro was deeply interested in the
+conflict, but showed no sign of wishing to take part in it. A white man
+questioned him one day:
+
+"The men of the North and South are killing one another on your account.
+Why don't you pitch in and fight yourself?"
+
+"Has you-all ever seen two dogs fightin' over a bone?" the negro
+demanded.
+
+"Many times, of course," was the answer.
+
+The old negro chuckled as he said:
+
+"Did you ever see de bone fight?"
+
+"Well!--no!"
+
+"Dat's all! I'se de bone."
+
+
+BREAKFAST
+
+The Southern Colonel at Saratoga Springs, in the days before
+prohibition, directed the colored waiter at his table in the hotel:
+
+"You-all kin bring me a Kentucky breakfast."
+
+"An' what is that, sir?" the waiter inquired doubtfully.
+
+The Colonel explained:
+
+"Bring me a big steak, a bulldog and a quart of Bourbon whiskey."
+
+"But why do you order a bulldog?" asked the puzzled waiter.
+
+"To eat the steak, suh!" snapped the Colonel.
+
+
+BREVITY
+
+The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars
+was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened for
+five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was
+going to contribute fifty dollars, after ten minutes more of the sermon,
+he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five
+dollars, after half an hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five
+dollars. At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, he
+stole two dollars.
+
+
+BRIBERY
+
+A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy's organization
+connected with a prominent church. The team was recently challenged by a
+rival club. The pastor gave a special contribution of five dollars to
+the captain, with the direction that the money should be used to buy
+bats, balls, gloves, or anything else that might help to win the game.
+On the day of the game, the pastor was somewhat surprised to observe
+nothing new in the club's paraphernalia. He called the captain to him.
+
+"I don't see any new bats, or balls, or gloves," he said.
+
+"We haven't anything like that," the captain admitted.
+
+"But I gave you five dollars to buy them," the pastor exclaimed.
+
+"Well, you see," came the explanation, "you told us to spend it for
+bats, or balls, or gloves, or anything that we thought might help to win
+the game, so we gave it to the umpire."
+
+
+BRUTALITY
+
+Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window, and at last called
+the conductor as referee.
+
+"If this window is open," one declared, "I shall catch cold, and will
+probably die."
+
+"If the window is shut," the other announced, "I shall certainly
+suffocate." The two glared at each other.
+
+The conductor was at a loss, but he welcomed the words of a man with a
+red nose who sat near. These were:
+
+"First, open the window, conductor. That will kill one. Next, shut it.
+That will kill the other. Then we can have peace."
+
+
+BURGLARY
+
+A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents
+established their home in a suburb. One morning they received in the
+mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line:
+
+"Guess who sent them."
+
+The pair had much amusement in trying to identify the donor, but failed
+in the effort. They duly attended the theatre, and had a delightful
+time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the
+identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every
+article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece
+of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the
+tickets:
+
+"Now you know!"
+
+
+CANDOR
+
+Jeanette was wearing a new frock when her dearest friend called.
+
+"I look a perfect fright," she remarked, eager for praise.
+
+The dearest friend was thinking of her own affairs, and answered
+absent-mindedly:
+
+"Yes, you certainly do."
+
+"Oh, you horrid thing!" Jeanette gasped. "I'll never--never speak to you
+again!"
+
+
+CALMNESS
+
+In Bret Harte's _Mary McGillup_, there is a notable description of
+calmness in most trying circumstances.
+
+"'I have the honor of addressing the celebrated Rebel spy, Miss
+McGillup?'" asked the vandal officer.
+
+"In a moment I was perfectly calm. With the exception of slightly
+expectorating twice in the face of the minion I did not betray my
+agitation."
+
+
+CARDS
+
+A Tennessee farmer went to town and bought a gallon jug of whiskey. He
+left it in the grocery store, and tagged it with a five of hearts from
+the deck in his pocket, on which he wrote his name. When he returned two
+hours later, the jug was gone. He demanded an explanation from the
+grocer.
+
+"Simple enough," was the reply. "Jim Slocum come along with a six of
+hearts, an' jist nacherly took thet thar jug o' yourn."
+
+
+CARELESSNESS
+
+The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, found
+lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons.
+
+"My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of
+silver. "Some one of the company had a hole in his pocket."
+
+
+CATERPILLARS
+
+The small boy sat at the foot of a telegraph pole, with a tin can in his
+hands. The curious old gentleman gazed first at the lad and then at the
+can, much perplexed.
+
+"Caterpillars!" he ejaculated. "What are you doing with them?"
+
+"They climb trees and eat the leaves," the boy explained.
+
+"Yes?"
+
+"And so," the boy continued proudly, "I'm foolin' this bunch by lettin'
+'em climb the telegraph pole."
+
+
+CATS
+
+Clarence, aged eight, was a member of the Band of Mercy, of his Sunday
+School, which was a miniature society for the prevention of cruelty to
+animals. The badge was a small star, and Clarence wore this with as much
+pride as ever a policeman had in his shield. He displayed eagerness in
+the work, and grew somewhat unpopular with the other boys and girls by
+reason of his many rebukes for their harsh treatment of animals. But one
+morning his mother, on looking out of the window, observed to her horror
+that the erstwhile virtuous Clarence had the family cat by the tail, and
+was swinging it to and fro with every evidence of glee. In fact, it had
+been the wailing of the outraged beast that had caused the mother to
+look out.
+
+"Why, Clarence!" she cried, aghast. "What are you doing to that poor
+cat? And you a member of the Band of Mercy!"
+
+Little Clarence released the cat, but he showed no shame as he
+explained:
+
+"I was--but I lost my star."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The teacher put a question to the class:
+
+"What does a cat have that no other animal has?"
+
+A number cried in unison:
+
+"Fur!"
+
+But an objector raised the point that bears and skunks have fur. One
+pupil raised an eager hand:
+
+"I know, teacher--whiskers!"
+
+But another objector laughed scornfully.
+
+"Haw-haw! My papa has whiskers!"
+
+The suggester of whiskers defended her idea by declaring: "My papa ain't
+got whiskers."
+
+"'Cause he can't!" the objector sneered. "Haw-haw! Your pa ain't no
+good. My pa says----"
+
+The teacher rapped for order, and repeated her question. A little girl
+raised her hand, and at the teacher's nod spoke timidly.
+
+"Kittens!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The little girl returned from church deeply musing on the sermon, in
+which the preacher had declared that animals, lacking souls, could not
+go to heaven. As the result of her meditation, she presented a problem
+to the family at the dinner table, when she asked earnestly:
+
+"If cats don't go to heaven, where do the angels get the strings for
+their harps?"
+
+
+CHARITY
+
+"Oh, mamma," questioned the child, "who's that?" He pointed to a nun who
+was passing.
+
+"A Sister of Charity," was the answer.
+
+"Which one," the boy persisted, "Faith or Hope?"
+
+
+CHICKEN-STEALING
+
+The Southern planter heard a commotion in his poultry house late at
+night. With shot gun in hand, he made his way to the door, flung it open
+and curtly ordered:
+
+"Come out of there, you ornery thief!"
+
+There was silence for a few seconds, except for the startled clucking of
+the fowls. Then a heavy bass voice boomed out of the darkness:
+
+"Please, Colonel, dey ain't nobody here 'cept jes' us chickens!"
+
+
+CHRISTIANITY
+
+A shipwrecked traveler was washed up on a small island. He was terrified
+at thought of cannibals, and explored with the utmost stealth.
+Discovering a thin wisp of smoke above the scrub, he crawled toward it
+fearfully, in apprehension that it might be from the campfire of
+savages. But as he came close, a voice rang out sharply:
+
+"Why in hell did you play that card?" The castaway, already on his
+knees, raised his hands in devout thanksgiving.
+
+"Thank God!" he exclaimed brokenly. "They are Christians!"
+
+
+CHRISTMAS
+
+A political boss wished to show his appreciation of the services of a
+colored man who possessed considerable influence. He suggested to the
+darky for a Christmas present the choice between a ton of coal and a jug
+of the best whiskey.
+
+The colored man spoke to the point:
+
+"Ah burns wood."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Santa Claus inserted an upright piano, a fur dolman, a Ford, and a few
+like knick-knacks in the Chicago girl's stocking. When he saw that it
+was not yet half filled, he withdrew to the roof, plumped down on the
+snow, and wept bitterly.
+
+
+CHURCH
+
+The young members of the family had been taught to be punctilious in
+contributing to the collection at church. One Sunday morning, when the
+boxes were being passed, James, aged six, ran his eye over those in the
+pew, and noticed that a guest of his sister had no coin in her hand.
+"Where is your money?" he whispered. She answered that she hadn't any.
+But James was equal to the emergency:
+
+"Here, take mine," he directed. "That'll pay for you. I'll get under the
+seat."
+
+Which he did.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The old negro attended a service in the Episcopal Church for the first
+time in his life. Someone asked him afterward how he had enjoyed the
+experience.
+
+"Not much, shohly not much," he declared, shaking his head. "Dat ain't
+no church for me. No' suh! Dey wastes too much time readin' the minutes
+ob the previous meetin'."
+
+
+CLEANLINESS
+
+The little boy was clad in an immaculate white suit for the lawn party,
+and his mother cautioned him strictly against soiling it. He was
+scrupulous in his obedience, but at last he approached her timidly, and
+said:
+
+"Please, mother, may I sit on my pants?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The mother catechised her young son just before the hour for the arrival
+of the music teacher.
+
+"Have you washed your hands very carefully?"
+
+"Yes, mother."
+
+"And have you washed your face thoroughly?"
+
+"Yes, mother."
+
+"And were you particular to wash behind your ears?"
+
+"On her side I did, mother."
+
+
+COMMUNITY
+
+The young man at the summer resort, who had become engaged to the pretty
+girl, received information that led him to question her:
+
+"Is it true that since you came up here you've got engaged to Billy, Ed,
+George and Harry, as well as me?"
+
+The young lady assumed an air of disdain.
+
+"What is that to you?" she demanded.
+
+"Just this," he replied gently. "If it's so, and you have no objection,
+we fellows will all chip in together to buy an engagement ring."
+
+
+COMPENSATION
+
+Isaac and Moses dined in a restaurant that was new to them, and were
+pained seriously by the amount of the check. Moses began to expostulate
+in a loud voice, but Isaac hushed him with a whisper:
+
+"'Sh! I haf the spoons in my pocket."
+
+
+COMPLIMENTS
+
+"Would you like a lock of my hair?" asked the gallant old bachelor of
+the spinster who had been a belle a few decades past.
+
+"Why don't you offer me the whole wig?" the maiden lady gibed, with a
+titter.
+
+The bachelor retorted with icy disdain:
+
+"You are very biting, madam, considering that your teeth are porcelain."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young man, dancing with the girl to whom he had just been
+introduced, remarked with the best of intentions, but rather
+unfortunately:
+
+"That's the new waltz. My sister was raving about it. I think it's
+pretty bad. I expect she danced it with somebody rather nice."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+In former times, when royalties were more important, a lady at a court
+ball was intensely gratified when a prince selected her as a partner.
+She was almost overwhelmed with pride when he danced a second measure
+with her.
+
+"Oh," she gushed, as she reposed blissfully in his arms, "your highness
+does me too great honor."
+
+The prince answered coldly:
+
+"But no, madam. Merely, my physician has directed me to perspire."
+
+
+CONCEALMENT
+
+The widow was deep in suds over the family wash, when she saw her pastor
+coming up the path to the door. She gave directions to her young son to
+answer the bell, and to tell the clergyman that his mother had just gone
+down the street on an errand. Since the single ground floor room of the
+cottage offered no better hiding place against observation from the
+door, she crouched behind a clothes-horse hung with drying garments.
+When the boy had opened the door to the minister, and had duly delivered
+the message concerning his mother's absence, the reverend gentleman cast
+a sharp look toward the screen of drying clothes, and addressed the boy
+thus:
+
+"Well, my lad, just tell your mother I called. And you might say to her
+that the next time she goes down the street, she should take her feet
+along."
+
+
+CONCEIT
+
+"I suppose I must admit that I do have my faults," the husband remarked
+in a tone that was far from humble.
+
+"Yes," the wife snapped, "and in your opinion your faults are better
+than other folks' virtues."
+
+
+CONSCIENCE
+
+The child had been greatly impressed by her first experience in Sunday
+school. She pressed her hands to her breast, and said solemnly to her
+sister, two years older:
+
+"When you hear something wite here, it is conscience whispering to you."
+
+"It's no such thing," the sister jeered. "That's just wind on your
+tummie."
+
+
+CONSTANCY
+
+His companion bent over the dying man, to catch the last faintly
+whispered words. The utterance came with pitiful feebleness, yet with
+sufficient clearness:
+
+"I am dying--yes. Go to Fannie. Tell her--I died--with her name--on my
+lips, that I--loved her--her alone--always.... And Jennie--tell
+Jennie--the same thing."
+
+
+CONVERSION
+
+A zealous church member in a Kentucky village made an earnest effort to
+convert a particularly vicious old mountaineer named Jim, who was
+locally notorious for his godlessness. But the old man was hard-headed
+and stubborn, firmly rooted in his evil courses, so that he resisted the
+pious efforts in his behalf.
+
+"Jim," the exhorter questioned sadly at last, "ain't you teched by the
+story of the Lord what died to save yer soul?"
+
+"Humph!" Jim retorted contemptuously. "Air ye aimin' to tell me the Lord
+died to save me, when He ain't never seed me, ner knowed me?"
+
+"Jim," the missionary explained with fervor, "it was a darn sight easier
+for the Lord to die fer ye jest because He never seed ye than if He
+knowed ye as well as we-alls do!"
+
+
+COOKERY
+
+The housewife gave the tramp a large piece of pie on condition that he
+should saw some wood. The tramp retired to the woodshed, but presently
+he reappeared at the back door of the house with the piece of pie still
+intact save for one mouthful bitten from the end.
+
+"Madam," he said respectfully to the wondering woman, "if it's all the
+same to you, I'll eat the wood, and saw the pie."
+
+
+COURTESY
+
+The witness was obviously a rustic and quite new to the ways of a
+court-room. So, the judge directed him:
+
+"Speak to the jury, sir--the men sitting behind you on the benches."
+
+The witness turned, bowed clumsily and said:
+
+"Good-morning, gentlemen."
+
+
+COWARDICE
+
+The old farmer and his wife visited the menagerie. When they halted
+before the hippopotamus cage, he remarked admiringly:
+
+"Darn'd curi's fish, ain't it, ma?"
+
+"That ain't a fish," the wife announced. "That's a rep-tile."
+
+It was thus that the argument began. It progressed to a point of such
+violence that the old lady began belaboring the husband with her
+umbrella. The old man dodged and ran, with the wife in pursuit. The
+trainer had just opened the door of the lions' cage, and the farmer
+popped in. He crowded in behind the largest lion and peered over its
+shoulder fearfully at his wife, who, on the other side of the bars,
+shook her umbrella furiously.
+
+"Coward!" she shouted. "Coward!"
+
+
+CURIOSITY
+
+The colored man, passing through the market, saw a turtle for the first
+time, and surveyed it with great interest. The creature's head was
+withdrawn, but as the investigator fumbled about the shell, it shot
+forward and nipped his finger. With a howl of pain he stuck his finger
+in his mouth, and sucked it.
+
+"What's the matter?" the fishmonger asked with a grin.
+
+"Nothin'--jest nothin' a tall," the colored man answered thickly. "Ah
+was only wonderin' whether Ah had been bit or stung."
+
+
+DAMAGES
+
+The child came to his mother in tears.
+
+"Oh, mama," he confessed, "I broke a tile in the hearth."
+
+"Never mind, dear," the mother consoled. "But how ever did you come to
+do it?"
+
+"I was pounding it with father's watch?"
+
+
+DANGER
+
+One foot in the grave, and the other slipping.
+
+
+DEAD CERTAINTY
+
+On Tuesday, a colored maid asked her mistress for permission to be
+absent on the coming Friday. She explained that she wished to attend
+the funeral of her fiance. The mistress gave the required permission
+sympathetically.
+
+"But you're not wearing mourning, Jenny," she remarked.
+
+"Oh, no, ma'am," the girl replied. "You see, ma'am, he ain't dead yet.
+The hanging ain't till Friday."
+
+
+DEAD MEN'S SHOES
+
+When a certain officer of the governor's staff died, there were many
+applicants for the post, and some were indecently impatient. While the
+dead colonel was awaiting burial, one aspirant buttonholed the governor,
+asking:
+
+"Would you object to my taking the place of the colonel?"
+
+"Not at all," the governor replied tartly. "See the undertaker."
+
+
+DEAFNESS
+
+In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young man
+addressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him:
+
+"The show is very good, don't you think?"
+
+The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied:
+
+"Me, I always take the surface cars. Them elevated an' subway stairs
+ketches my breath."
+
+"I said the show was a good one," exclaimed the young man, raising his
+voice.
+
+Again, the elderly person nodded agreeably.
+
+"They jump about a good deal," was his comment, "but they're on the
+ground, which the others ain't."
+
+Now, the young man shouted:
+
+"You're a little deaf, ain't you?"
+
+At last the other understood.
+
+"Yes, sir!" he announced proudly. "I'm as deef as a post." He chuckled
+contentedly. "Some folks thinks as that's a terrible affliction, but I
+don't. I kin always hear what I'm sayin' myself, an' that's interestin'
+enough for me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An excellent old gentleman grew hard of hearing, and was beset with
+apprehension lest he become totally deaf. One day, as he rested on a
+park bench, another elderly citizen seated himself alongside. The
+apprehensive old gentleman saw that the new comer was talking rapidly,
+but his ears caught no faintest sound of the other's voice. He listened
+intently--in vain. He cupped a hand to his ear, but there was only
+silence. At last, in despair, he spoke his thought aloud:
+
+"It's come at last! I know you've been talking all this while, but I
+haven't heard a single word."
+
+The answer, given with a grin, was explicit and satisfying to the
+worried deaf man:
+
+"I hain't been talkin'--jest a-chewin'."
+
+
+DEDICATION
+
+The visitor to the poet's wife expressed her surprise that the man of
+genius had failed to dedicate any one of his volumes to the said wife.
+Whereupon, said wife became flustered, and declared tartly:
+
+"I never thought of that. As soon as you are gone, I'll look through all
+his books, and if that's so, I never will forgive him!"
+
+
+DEFINITION
+
+The schoolboy, after profound thought, wrote this definition of the word
+"spine," at his teacher's request.
+
+"A spine is a long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set
+on the other."
+
+
+DEGREES IN DEGRADATION
+
+Phil May, the artist, when once down on his luck in Australia, took a
+job as waiter in a very low-class restaurant. An acquaintance came into
+the place to dine, and was aghast when he discovered the artist in his
+waiter.
+
+"My God!" he whispered. "To find you in such a place as this."
+
+Phil May smiled, as he retorted:
+
+"Oh, but, you see, I don't eat here."
+
+
+DELAY
+
+A woman in the mountains of Tennessee was seated in the doorway of the
+cabin, busily eating some pig's feet. A neighbor hurried up to tell of
+how her husband had become engaged in a saloon brawl and had been shot
+to death. The widow continued munching on a pig's foot in silence while
+she listened to the harrowing news. As the narrator paused, she spoke
+thickly from her crowded mouth:
+
+"Jest wait till I finish this-here pig's trotter, an' ye'll hear some
+hollerin' as is hollerin'."
+
+
+DEVIL
+
+Some wasps built their nests during the week in a Scotch clergyman's
+best breeches. On the Sabbath as he warmed up to his preaching, the
+wasps, too, warmed up, with the result that presently the minister was
+leaping about like a jack in the box, and slapping his lower anatomy
+with great vigor, to the amazement of the congregation.
+
+"Be calm, brethren," he shouted. "The word of God is in my mouth, but
+the De'il's in my breeches!"
+
+
+DIET
+
+The young lady, who was something of a food fadist, was on a visit to a
+coast fishing village. She questioned her host as to the general diet of
+the natives, and was told that they subsisted almost entirely on fish.
+The girl protested:
+
+"But fish is a brain food, and these folks are really the most
+unintelligent-looking that I ever saw."
+
+"Mebbe so," the host agreed. "And just think what they'd look like if
+they didn't eat fish!"
+
+
+DIGESTION
+
+In an English school, the examiner asked one of the children to name the
+products of the Indian Empire. The child was well prepared, but very
+nervous.
+
+"Please, sir," the answer ran, "India produces curries and pepper and
+rice and citron and chutney and--and----"
+
+There was a long pause. Then, as the first child remained silent, a
+little girl raised her hand. The examiner nodded.
+
+"Yes, you may name any other products of India."
+
+"Please, sir," the child announced proudly, "India-gestion."
+
+
+DIPLOMACY
+
+"Now, let me see," the impecunious man demanded as he buttonholed an
+acquaintance, "do I owe you anything?"
+
+"Not a penny, my dear sir," was the genial reply. "You are going about
+paying your little debts?"
+
+"No, I'm going about to see if I've overlooked anybody? Lend me ten till
+Saturday."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Ted had a habit of dropping in at the house next door on baking day, for
+the woman of that house had a deft way in the making of cookies, and Ted
+had no hesitation in enjoying her hospitality, even to the extent of
+asking for cookies if they were not promptly forthcoming.
+
+When the boy's father learned of this, he gave Ted a lecture and a
+strict order never to ask for cookies at the neighbor's kitchen. So,
+when a few days later the father saw his son munching a cookie as he
+came away from the next house, he spoke sternly:
+
+"Have you been begging cookies again?"
+
+"Oh, no, I didn't beg any," Ted answered cheerfully. "I just said, this
+house smells as if it was full of cookies. But what's that to me?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Sometimes the use of a diplomatic method defeats its own purpose, as in
+the case of the old fellow who was enthusiastic in praise of the busy
+lawyer from whose office he had just come, after a purely social call.
+
+"That feller, for a busy man," he declared earnestly, "is one of the
+pleasantest chaps I ever did meet. Why, I dropped in on him jest to pass
+the time o' day this mornin', an' I hadn't been chattin' with 'im more'n
+five minutes before he'd told me three times to come and see 'im agin."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The lady of uncertain age simpered at the gentleman of about the same
+age who had offered her his seat in the car.
+
+"Why should you be so kind to me?" she gurgled.
+
+"My dear madam, because I myself have a mother and a wife and a
+daughter."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Diplomacy is shown inversely by the remark of the professor to the lady
+in this story.
+
+At a reception the woman chatted for some time with the distinguished
+man of learning, and displayed such intelligence that one of the
+listeners complimented her.
+
+"Oh, really," she said with a smile, "I've just been concealing my
+ignorance."
+
+The professor spoke gallantly.
+
+"Not at all, not at all, my dear madam! Quite the contrary, I do assure
+you."
+
+
+DIRT
+
+We are more particular nowadays about cleanliness than were those of a
+past generation. Charles Lamb, during a whist game, remarked to his
+partner:
+
+"Martin, if dirt were trumps, what a hand you'd have!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The French aristocrats were not always conspicuously careful in their
+personal habits. A visitor to a Parisian _grande dame_ remarked to her
+hostess:
+
+"But how dirty your hands are."
+
+The great lady regarded her hands doubtfully, as she replied:
+
+"Oh, do you think so? Why, you ought to see my feet!"
+
+
+DISCIPLINE
+
+Jimmy found much to criticise in his small sister. He felt forced to
+remonstrate with his mother.
+
+"Don't you want Jenny to be a good wife like you when she grows up?" he
+demanded. His mother nodded assent.
+
+"Then you better get busy, ma. You make me give into her all the time
+'cause I'm bigger 'en she is. You're smaller 'en pa, but when he comes
+in, you bring him his slippers, and hand him the paper." Jimmie yanked
+his go-cart from baby Jennie, and disregarded her wail of anger as he
+continued:
+
+"Got to dis'pline her, or she'll make an awful wife!"
+
+
+DISCRETION
+
+The kindly and inquisitive old gentleman was interested in the messenger
+boy who sat on the steps of a house, and toyed delicately with a
+sandwich taken from its wrapper. With the top piece of bread carefully
+removed, the boy picked out and ate a few small pieces of the chicken.
+The puzzled observer questioned the lad:
+
+"Now, sonny, why don't you eat your sandwich right down, instead of
+fussing with it like that?"
+
+The answer was explicit:
+
+"Dasn't! 'Tain't mine."
+
+
+DIVORCE
+
+The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who sought a
+divorce.
+
+"Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have
+to find with your husband."
+
+And the wife was explicit:
+
+"He is a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!"
+
+"Tut, tut!" the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficulty
+in proving all your assertions."
+
+"Prove it!" was the retort. "Why, everybody knows it."
+
+"If you knew it," his honor demanded sarcastically, "why did you marry
+him?"
+
+"I didn't know it before I married him."
+
+The husband interrupted angrily:
+
+"Yes, she did, too," he shouted. "She did so!"
+
+
+DOCTORS
+
+A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be
+examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patient
+that the ailment would respond readily to treatment.
+
+"You're so sure," the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you must have had a
+great deal of experience with this disease."
+
+The physician smiled wisely, and answered in a most confidential manner:
+
+"Why, my dear sir, I've had bronchitis myself for more than fifteen
+years."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A well-to-do colored man suffered a serious illness, and showed no signs
+of improvement under treatment by a physician of his own race. So,
+presently, he dismissed this doctor and summoned a white man. The new
+physician made a careful examination of the patient, and then asked:
+
+"Did that other doctor take your temperature?"
+
+The sick man shook his head doubtfully.
+
+"I dunno, suh," he declared, "I sartinly dunno. All I've missed so far
+is my watch."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an
+honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice, on the
+blackboard in his class-room:
+
+"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed
+honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."
+
+When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written
+below his notice this line:
+
+"God save the King."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The Chinaman expressed his gratitude to that mighty physician Sing Lee,
+as follows:
+
+"Me velly sick man. Me get Doctor Yuan Sin. Takee him medicine. Velly
+more sick. Me get Doctor Hang Shi. Takee him medicine. Velly bad--think
+me go die. Me callee Doctor Kai Kon. Him busy--no can come. Me get
+well."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The instructor in the Medical College exhibited a diagram.
+
+"The subject here limps," he explained, "because one leg is shorter than
+the other." He addressed one of the students:
+
+"Now, Mr. Snead, what would you do in such a case?"
+
+Young Snead pondered earnestly and replied with conviction:
+
+"I fancy, sir, that I should limp, too."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The physician turned from the telephone to his wife:
+
+"I must hurry to Mrs. Jones' boy--he's sick."
+
+"Is it serious?"
+
+"Yes. I don't know what's the matter with him, but she has a book on
+what to do before the doctor comes. So I must hurry. Whatever it is, she
+mustn't do it."
+
+
+DOCTRINE
+
+In a former generation, when elaborate doctrines were deemed more
+important by Christian clergymen than they are to-day, they were prone
+to apply every utterance of the Bible to the demonstration of their own
+particular tenets. For example, one distinguished minister announced his
+text and introduced his sermon as follows:
+
+"'So, Mephibosheth dwelt in Jerusalem, for he did eat at the King's
+table, and he was lame on both his feet.'
+
+"My brethren, we are here taught the doctrine of human
+depravity.--Mephibosheth was lame. Also the doctrine of total
+depravity--he was lame on both his feet. Also the doctrine of
+justification--for he dwelt in Jerusalem. Fourth, the doctrine of
+adoption--'he did eat at the King's table.' Fifth, the doctrine of the
+perseverance of the saints--for we read that 'he did eat at the King's
+table continually.'"
+
+
+DOCUMENTARY EVIDENCE
+
+During the worst of the spy-scare period in London a man was brought
+into the police station, who declared indignantly that he was a
+well-known American citizen. But his captor denounced him as a German,
+and offered as proof the hotel register, which he had brought along. He
+pointed to the signature of the accused. It read:
+
+"V. Gates."
+
+
+DOGS
+
+The tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the wayside, munching
+at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, out walking with her pet
+Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to
+muzzle the food. The tramp smiled expansively on the lady.
+
+"Shall I throw the leetle dog a bit, mum?" he asked.
+
+The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly interest in her pet,
+and murmured an assent. The tramp caught the dog by the nape of the neck
+and tossed it over the hedge, remarking:
+
+"And if he comes back, mum, I might throw him a bit more."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Many a great man has been given credit as originator of this cynical
+sentiment:
+
+"The more I see of men, the more I respect dogs."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The fox terrier regarded with curious interest the knot tied in the tail
+of the dachshund.
+
+"What's the big idea?" he inquired.
+
+"That," the dachshund answered, "is a knot my wife tied to make me
+remember an errand."
+
+The fox terrier wagged his stump of tail thoughtfully.
+
+"That," he remarked at last, "must be the reason I'm so forgetful."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+During the siege of Paris in the Franco-German war, when everybody was
+starving, one aristocratic family had their pet dog served for dinner.
+The master of the house, when the meal was ended, surveyed the platter
+through tear-dimmed eyes, and spoke sadly:
+
+"How Fido would have enjoyed these bones!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young clergyman during a parochial call noticed that the little
+daughter of the hostess was busy with her slate while eying him closely
+from time to time.
+
+"And what are you doing, Clara?" he asked, with his most engaging smile.
+
+"I'm drawing a picture of you," was the answer.
+
+The clerical visitor sat very still to facilitate the work of the
+artist. But, presently, Clara shook her head in discouragement.
+
+"I don't like it much," she confessed. "I guess I'll put a tail on it,
+and call it a dog."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The meditative Hollander delivered a monologue to his dog:
+
+"You vas only a dog, but I vish I vas you. Ven you go your bed in, you
+shust turn round dree times and lie down; ven I go de bed in, I haf to
+lock up the blace, and vind up de clock, and put out de cat, and undress
+myself, and my vife vakes up and scolds, and den de baby vakes and cries
+and I haf to valk him de house around, and den maybe I get myself to bed
+in time to get up again.
+
+"Ven you get up you shust stretch yourself, dig your neck a little, and
+you vas up. I haf to light de fire, put on de kiddle, scrap some vit my
+vife, and get myself breakfast. You be lays round all day and haf blenty
+of fun. I haf to vork all day and have blenty of drubble. Ven you die,
+you vas dead; ven I die, I haf to go somewhere again."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Some persons are born to have honor thrust upon them, and such is
+obviously the case of the actor named in this story.
+
+The colored maid of an actress took out for exercise her mistress's dog,
+a splendid St. Bernard. A passer-by admired the animal, and inquired as
+to the breed. The maid said:
+
+"I doan jes' zactly know mahself, but I dun hear my missis say he am a
+full-blood Sam Bernard."
+
+
+DOMESTIC QUARRELS
+
+After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her colored washerwoman:
+
+"Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel now the same as you used to?"
+
+"No, indeed, ma'am," was the reply.
+
+"That is good. I'm sure you're very glad of it, aren't you?"
+
+"Ah sho'ly is."
+
+"What caused you to stop quarreling, Lucy?" the lady asked.
+
+The explanation was simple and sufficient:
+
+"He died."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The newly married pair quarreled seriously, so that the wife in a
+passion finally declared:
+
+"I'm going home to my mother!"
+
+The husband maintained his calm in the face of this calamity, and drew
+out his pocketbook.
+
+"Here," he said, counting out some bills, "is the money for your
+railroad fare."
+
+The wife took it, and counted it in her turn. Then she faced her husband
+scornfully:
+
+"But that isn't enough for a return ticket."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The good wife, after she and her husband had retired for the night,
+discoursed for a long time with much eloquence. When she was interrupted
+by a snore from her spouse, she thumped the sleeper into wakefulness,
+and then remarked:
+
+"John, do you know what I think of a man who will go to sleep while his
+own wife is a-talkin' to him?"
+
+"Well, now, I believe as how I do, Martha," was the drowsily uttered
+response. "But don't let that stop you. Go right ahead, an' git it off
+your mind."
+
+
+DOUBT
+
+Small Jimmie discussed with his chief crony the minister's sermon which
+had dealt with the sheep and the goats.
+
+"Me," he concluded, "I don't know which I am. Mother calls me her lamb,
+and father calls me kid."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Ability to look on two sides of a question is usually a virtue, but it
+may degenerate into a vice. Thus, a visitor found his bachelor friend
+glumly studying an evening waistcoat. When inquiry was made, this
+explanation was forthcoming:
+
+"It's quite too soiled to wear, but really, it's not dirty enough to go
+to the laundry. I can't make up my mind just what I should do about it."
+
+
+DRAMA
+
+The new play was a failure. After the first act, many left the theatre;
+at the end of the second, most of the others started out. A cynical
+critic as he rose from his aisle seat raised a restraining hand.
+
+"Wait!" he commanded loudly. "Women and children first!"
+
+
+DREAMS
+
+The group of dwellers at the seaside was discussing the subject of
+dreams and their significance. During a pause, one of the party turned
+to a little girl who had sat listening intently, and asked:
+
+"Do you believe that dreams come true?"
+
+"Of course, they do," the child replied firmly. "Last night I dreamed
+that I went paddling--and I had!"
+
+
+DRESS
+
+"Oh, have you heard? Mrs. Blaunt died to-day while trying on a new
+dress."
+
+"How sad! What was it trimmed with?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The son of the house had been reading of an escaped lunatic.
+
+"How do they catch lunatics?" he asked.
+
+The father, who had just paid a number of bills, waxed sarcastic:
+
+"With enormous straw hats, with little bits of ones, with silks and
+laces and feathers and jewelry, and so on and so on."
+
+"I recall now," the mother spoke up, "I used to wear things of that sort
+until I married you."
+
+
+DRINK
+
+It was nine o'clock in the morning, but this particular passenger on the
+platform of the trolley car still wore a much crumpled evening suit.
+
+As the car swung swiftly around a curve this riotous liver was jolted
+off, and fell heavily on the cobble stones. The car stopped, and the
+conductor, running back, helped the unfortunate man to scramble to his
+feet. The bibulous passenger was severely shaken, but very dignified.
+
+"Collision?" he demanded.
+
+"No," the conductor answered.
+
+"Off the track?" was the second inquiry.
+
+"No," said the conductor again.
+
+"Well!" was the indignant rejoinder. "If I'd known that, I wouldn't have
+got off."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The very convivial gentleman left his club happy, but somewhat dazed. On
+his homeward journey, made tackingly, he ran against the vertical iron
+rods that formed a circle of protection for the trunk of a tree growing
+by the curb. He made a tour around the barrier four times, carefully
+holding to one rod until he had a firm grasp on the next. Then, at last,
+he halted and leaned despairingly against the rock to which he held, and
+called aloud for succor:
+
+"Hellup! hellup! Somebody let me out!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The highly inebriated individual halted before a solitary tree, and
+regarded it as intently as he could, with the result that he saw two
+trees. His attempt to pass between these resulted in a near-concussion
+of the brain. He reeled back, but presently sighted carefully, and tried
+again, with the like result. When this had happened a half-dozen times,
+the unhappy man lifted up his voice and wept.
+
+"Lost--Lost!" he sobbed. "Hopelessly lost in an impenetrable forest!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place
+overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred
+dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests. A
+disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that
+he was a professional rat-killer.
+
+"Get to work," the store-keeper urged.
+
+"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.
+
+When this had been provided:
+
+"Now give me a quart of whiskey."
+
+Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly:
+
+"Now show me the cellar."
+
+An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs
+and leaped into the store. His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he
+shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in
+air and shouted:
+
+"Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Two Southern gentlemen, who were of very convivial habits, chanced to
+meet on the street at nine o'clock in the morning after an evening's
+revel together. The major addressed the colonel with decorous solemnity:
+
+"Colonel, how do you feel, suh?"
+
+The colonel left nothing doubtful in the nature of his reply:
+
+"Major," he declared tartly, "I feel like thunder, suh, as any Southern
+gentleman should, suh, at this hour of the morning!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The old toper was asked if he had ever met a certain gentleman, also
+notorious for his bibulous habits.
+
+"Know him!" was the reply. "I should say I do! Why, I got him so drunk
+one night it took three hotel porters to put me to bed."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A farmer, who indulged in sprees, was observed in his Sunday clothes
+throwing five bushels of corn on the ear into the pen where he kept half
+a dozen hogs, and he was heard to mutter:
+
+"Thar, blast ye! if ye're prudent, that orter last ye."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A mouse chanced on a pool of whiskey that was the result of a raid by
+prohibition-enforcement agents. The mouse had had no previous
+acquaintance with liquor, but now, being thirsty, it took a sip of the
+strange fluid, and then retired into its hole to think. After some
+thought, it returned to the pool, and took a second sip of the whiskey.
+It then withdrew again to its hole, and thought. Presently, it issued
+and drew near the pool for the third time. Now, it took a big drink. Nor
+did it retreat to its hole. Instead, it climbed on a soap box, stood on
+its hind legs, bristled its whiskers, and squeaked:
+
+"Now, bring on your cat!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The owner of a hunting lodge in Scotland presented his gamekeeper with a
+fur cap, of the sort having ear flaps. When at the lodge the following
+year, the gentleman asked the gamekeeper how he liked the cap. The old
+man shook his head dolefully.
+
+"I've nae worn it since the accident."
+
+"What accident was that?" his employer demanded. "I've heard of none."
+
+"A mon offered me a dram, and I heard naething of it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The old farmer was driving home from town, after having imbibed rather
+freely. In descending a hill, the horse stumbled and fell, and either
+could not, or would not, get to its feet again. At last, the farmer
+spoke savagely:
+
+"Dang yer hide, git up thar--or I'll drive smack over ye!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Mrs. Smith addressed her neighbor, whose husband was notoriously brutal,
+and she spoke with a purr that was catty:
+
+"You know, my dear, my husband is so indulgent!"
+
+And the other woman retorted, quite as purringly:
+
+"Oh, everybody knows that. What a pity he sometimes indulges too much!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+In the days before prohibition, a bibulous person issued from a saloon
+in a state of melancholy intoxication, and outside the door he
+encountered a teetotaler friend.
+
+The friend exclaimed mournfully:
+
+"Oh, John, I am so sorry to see you come out of such a place as that!"
+
+The bibulous one wept sympathetically.
+
+"Then," he declared huskily, "I'll go right back!" And he did.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+When the Kentucky colonel was in the North, some one asked him if the
+Kentuckians were in fact very bibulous.
+
+"No, suh," the colonel declared. "I don't reckon they're mo' than a
+dozen Bibles in the whole state."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The Irish gentleman encountered the lady who had been ill, and made
+gallant inquiries.
+
+"I almost died," she explained. "I had ptomaine-poisoning."
+
+"And is it so?" the Irishman gushed. And he added in a burst of
+confidence: "What with that, ma'am, and delirium tremens, a body these
+days don't know what he dare eat or drink."
+
+
+DRUGGED
+
+The police physician was called to examine an unconscious prisoner, who
+had been arrested and brought to the station-house for drunkenness.
+After a short examination, the physician addressed the policeman who had
+made the arrest.
+
+"This fellow is not suffering from the effects of alcohol. He has been
+drugged."
+
+The policeman was greatly disturbed, and spoke falteringly:
+
+"I'm thinkin', ye're right, sor. I drugged him all the way to the
+station."
+
+
+DUTY
+
+The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed
+to the conductor:
+
+"Can't you go any faster than this?"
+
+"Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."
+
+
+EASY LIVING
+
+The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow, discoursed
+eloquently of conditions in his home state. He concluded in a burst of
+feeling:
+
+"In that smiling land, suh, no gentleman is compelled to soil his hands
+with vulgar work. The preparing of the soil for the crops is done by our
+niggers, suh, and the sowing of the crops, and the reaping of the
+crops--all done by the niggers.... And the selling is done by the
+sheriff."
+
+
+ECONOMY
+
+One Japanese bragged to another that he made a fan last twenty years by
+opening only a fourth section, and using this for five years, then the
+next section, and so on.
+
+The other Japanese registered scorn.
+
+"Wasteful!" he ejaculated. "I was better taught. I make a fan last a
+lifetime. I open it wide, and hold it under my nose quite motionless.
+Then I wave my head."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Wife:--"Women are not extravagant. A woman can dress smartly on a sum
+that would keep a man looking shabby."
+
+Husband:--"That's right. What you dress on keeps me looking shabby."
+
+
+EFFICIENCY
+
+In these days of difficulty in securing domestic servants, mistresses
+will accept almost any sort of help, but there are limits. A woman
+interrogated a husky girl in an employment office, who was a recent
+importation from Lapland. The dialogue was as follows:
+
+"Can you do fancy cooking?"
+
+"Naw."
+
+"Can you do plain cooking?"
+
+"Naw."
+
+"Can you sew?"
+
+"Naw."
+
+"Can you do general housework?"
+
+"Naw."
+
+"Make the beds, wash the dishes?"
+
+"Naw."
+
+"Well," cried the woman in puzzled exasperation, "what can you do?"
+
+"I milk reindeer."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The undertaker regarded the deceased in the coffin with severe
+disapproval, for the wig persisted in slipping back and revealing a
+perfectly bald pate. He addressed the widow in that cheerfully
+melancholy tone which is characteristic of undertakers during their
+professional public performance.
+
+"Have you any glue?"
+
+The widow wiped her eyes perfunctorily, and said that she had.
+
+"Shall I heat it?" she asked. The undertaker nodded gloomily, and the
+relic departed on her errand. Presently, she returned with the glue-pot.
+
+But the undertaker shook his head, and regarded her with the gently sad
+smile to which undertakers are addicted, as he whispered solemnly:
+
+"I found a tack."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An engineer, who was engaged on railroad construction in Central
+America, explained to one of the natives living alongside the right of
+way the advantages that would come from realization of the projected
+line. To illustrate his point, he put the question:
+
+"How long does it take you to carry your produce to market by muleback?"
+
+"Three days, _senor_," was the answer.
+
+"Then," said the engineer, "you can understand the benefit the road will
+be to you. You will be able to take your produce to market, and to
+return home on the same day."
+
+"Very good, _senor_," the native agreed courteously.
+
+"But, _senor_, what shall we do with the other two days?"
+
+
+EGGS
+
+The farmer decided to give special attention to the development of his
+poultry yard, and he undertook the work carefully and systematically.
+His hired man, who had been with him for a number of years, was
+instructed, among other things, to write on each egg the date laid and
+the breed of the hen. After a month, the hired man resigned.
+
+"I can't understand," the farmer declared, surprised and pained, "why
+you should want to leave."
+
+"I'm through," the hired man asserted. "I've done the nastiest jobs, an'
+never kicked. But I draw the line on bein' secretary to a bunch o'
+hens."
+
+
+EGOTISM
+
+The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend:
+
+"It is only to me that such misfortunes happen."
+
+"What's the matter now?"
+
+The pessimist answered dolefully:
+
+"Don't you see that it is raining?"
+
+
+ELEPHANT
+
+A circus man was scouring the countryside in search of an elephant that
+had escaped from the menagerie and wandered off. He inquired of an
+Irishman working in a field to learn if the fellow had seen any strange
+animal thereabouts.
+
+"Begorra, Oi hev thot!" was the vigorous answer. "There was an
+inju-rubber bull around here, pullin' carrots with its tail."
+
+
+ELOPEMENT
+
+Some months after the elopement, an old friend met the bridegroom, and
+asked eagerly for details.
+
+"What about her father? Did he catch you?"
+
+"Just that!" quoth the bridegroom grimly. "Incidentally, I may add that
+the old boy is living with us still."
+
+
+ENOUGH
+
+The darky's clothes were in the last stages of dilapidation, and he wore
+open work shoes, but his face was radiant, and he whistled merrily as he
+slouched along the street. A householder called from his porch:
+
+"Sam, I have a job for you, if you want to earn a quarter."
+
+The tattered colored man grinned happily as he shook his head.
+
+"No, suh, thank yoh all de same, boss--I done got a quarter."
+
+
+EPITAPH
+
+In an Irish cemetery stands a handsome monument with an inscription
+which runs thus:
+
+"This monument is erected to the memory of James O'Flinn, who was
+accidentally shot by his brother as a mark of affection."
+
+
+EVIDENCE
+
+The prisoner, a darky, explained how it came about that he had been
+arrested for chicken-stealing:
+
+"I didn't hab no trouble wiv de constable ner nobody. It would ab been
+all right if it hadn't been fer the women's love o' dress. My women
+folks, dey wasn't satisfied jes' to eat mos' all o' them chickens. Dey
+had to put de feathers in der hats, an' parade 'em as circumstantial
+evidence."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The smug satisfaction of the rustic in his clear perception and shrewd
+reasoning is illustrated by the dialogue between two farmers meeting on
+the road.
+
+"Did you hear that old man Jones's house burned down last night?"
+
+"I ain't a mite surprised. I was goin' past there in the evenin', an'
+when I saw the smoke a-comin' out all round under the eaves, I sez to
+myself, sez I, 'Where there's smoke there must be fire.' An' so it was!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Shall I leave the hall light burning, ma'am?" the servant asked.
+
+"No," her mistress replied. "I think my husband won't get home until
+daylight. He kissed me goodbye before he went, and gave me twenty
+dollars for a new hat."
+
+
+EXCLUSIVENESS
+
+One of the New York churches is notorious for its exclusiveness. A
+colored man took a fancy to the church, and promptly told the minister
+that he wished to join. The clergyman sought to evade the issue by
+suggesting to the man that he reflect more carefully on the matter, and
+make it the subject of prayers for guidance. The following day, the
+darky encountered the minister.
+
+"Ah done prayed, sah," he declared, beaming, "an' de Lawd he done sent
+me an answer las' night."
+
+"And what was it?" queried the clergyman, somewhat at a loss. "What did
+the Lord say?"
+
+"Well, sah, He done axed me what chu'ch Ah wanted to jine, an' Ah tole
+Him it was yourn. An' He says: 'Ho, ho, dat chu'ch!' says he. 'You can't
+git in dere. Ah know you can't--'cause Ah been tryin' to git in dat
+chu'ch fer ten years mahself an' Ah couldn't!'"
+
+
+EXPECTANCY
+
+An Irishman on a scaffolding four stories high heard the noon whistle.
+But when he would have descended, he found that the ladder had been
+removed. One of his fellow workmen on the pavement below, to whom he
+called, explained that the foreman had carried off the ladder for
+another job.
+
+"But how'll I get down?" Pat demanded.
+
+Mike, on the pavement, suggested jumping as the only means. Pat's lunch
+was below, he was hungry, and he accepted the suggestion seriously.
+
+"Will yez kitch me?" he demanded.
+
+"Sure, an' I'll do that," Mike agreed.
+
+Pat clapped his arms in imitation of a rooster, and crowed, to bolster
+up his courage, and leaped. He regained consciousness after a short
+interval, and feebly sat up on the pavement. He regarded Mike
+reproachfully.
+
+"For why did yez not kitch me?" he asked, and the pain in bones sounded
+in his voice.
+
+"Begorry," Mike replied sympathetically, "I was waiting for yez to
+bounce!"
+
+
+EXPENSE ACCOUNT
+
+The woman wrote a reference for her discharged cook as follows:
+
+"Maggie Flynn has been employed by me for a month. She is an excellent
+cook, but I could not afford to make use of her services longer."
+
+The husband, who was present, afterward expressed his surprise at the
+final clause.
+
+"But it's true," the wife answered. "The dishes she smashed cost double
+her wages."
+
+
+EXPERIENCE
+
+The baby pulled brother's hair until he yelled from the pain of it. The
+mother soothed the weeping boy:
+
+"Of course, she doesn't know how badly it hurts." Then she left the
+room.
+
+She hurried back presently on hearing frantic squalling from baby.
+
+"What in the world is the matter with her?" she questioned anxiously.
+
+"Nothin' 'tall," brother replied contentedly. "Only now she knows."
+
+
+EXPERTS
+
+There was a chicken-stealing case before the court. The colored culprit
+pleaded guilty and was duly sentenced. But the circumstances of the case
+had provoked the curiosity of the judge, so that he questioned the darky
+as to how he had managed to take those chickens and carry them off from
+right under the window of the owner's house, and that with a savage dog
+loose in the yard. But the thief was not minded to explain. He said:
+
+"Hit wouldn't be of no use, jedge, to try to 'splain dis ting to
+you-all. Ef you was to try it you more'n like as not would git yer hide
+full o' shot an' git no chickens, nuther. Ef you want to engage in any
+rascality, jedge, you better stick to de bench, whar you am familiar."
+
+
+EXPLICITNESS
+
+On her return home after an absence of a few hours, the mother was
+displeased to find that little Emma, who was ailing, had not taken her
+pill at the appointed time, although she had been carefully directed to
+do so.
+
+"You were very naughty, Emma," the mother chided. "I told you to be sure
+and take that pill."
+
+"But, mamma," the child pleaded in extenuation, "you didn't tell me
+where to take it to."
+
+
+EXTRAVAGANCE
+
+A rich and listless lady patron examined the handbags in a leading
+jeweler's shop in New York City. The clerk exhibited one bag five inches
+square, made of platinum and with one side almost covered with a setting
+of diamonds. This was offered at a price of $9,000.
+
+But the lady surveyed the expensive bauble without enthusiasm. She
+turned it from side to side and over and over, regarding it with a
+critical eye and frowning disapprovingly. At last she voiced her
+comment:
+
+"Rather pretty, but I don't like this side without diamonds. Honestly,
+the thing looks skimpy--decidedly skimpy!"
+
+For $7,000 additional, the objectional skimpiness was corrected.
+
+
+FACTS
+
+The burly man spoke lucidly to his gangling adversary:
+
+"You're a nincompoop, a liar and hoss-thief."
+
+The other man protested, with a whine in his voice:
+
+"Sech talk ain't nice--and, anyhow, 'tain't fair twittin' on facts."
+
+
+FASHION
+
+After years of endeavor in poverty, the inventor made a success, and
+came running home with pockets bulging real money. He joyously strewed
+thousand-dollar bills in his wife's lap, crying:
+
+"Now, at last, my dear, you will be able to buy you some decent
+clothes."
+
+"I'll do nothing of the kind," was the sharp retort. "I'll get the same
+kind the other women are wearing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+
+     "The naked hills lie wanton to the breeze,
+       "The fields are nude, the groves unfrocked,
+     "Bare are the shivering limbs of shameless trees,
+       "What wonder is it that the corn is shocked?"
+
+       But not the modern woman!
+
+
+
+FAVORS
+
+At the village store, the young farmer complained bitterly.
+
+"Old Si Durfee wants me to be one of the pall-bearers once more at his
+wife's funeral. An' it's like this. Si had me fer pall-bearer when his
+first wife was buried. An' then agin fer his second. An' when Eliza
+died, she as was his third, he up an' axed me agin. An' now, I snum,
+it's the fourth time. An' ye know, a feller can't be the hull time
+a-takin' favors, an' not payin' 'em back."
+
+
+FIGHTING
+
+The boy hurried home to his father with an announcement:
+
+"Me and Joe Peck had a fight to-day."
+
+The father nodded gravely.
+
+"Mr. Peck has already called to see me about it."
+
+The little boy's face brightened.
+
+"Gee, pop! I hope you made out 's well 's I did!"
+
+
+FINANCE
+
+A very black little girl made her way into the presence of the lady of
+the house, and with much embarrassment, but very clearly, explained who
+she was, and what her mission:
+
+"Please, mum, I'se Ophelia. I'se de washerwoman's little girl, an' mama,
+she sent me to say, would you please to len' her a dime. She got to pay
+some bills."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The successful financier snorted contemptuously.
+
+"Money! pooh! there are a million ways of making money."
+
+"But only one honest way," a listener declared.
+
+"What way is that?" the financier demanded.
+
+"Naturally, you wouldn't know," was the answer.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The eminent financier was discoursing.
+
+"The true secret of success," he said, "is to find out what the people
+want."
+
+"And the next thing," someone suggested, "is to give it to them."
+
+The financier shook his head contemptuously.
+
+"No--to corner it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The eminent banker explained just how he started in business:
+
+"I had nothing to do, and I rented an empty store, and put up a sign,
+_Bank_. As soon as I opened for business, a man dropped in, and made a
+deposit of two hundred dollars. The next day another man dropped in and
+deposited three hundred dollars. And so, sir, the third day, my
+confidence in the enterprise reached such a point that I put in fifty
+dollars of my own money."
+
+
+FINANCIERS
+
+"My pa, he's a financier," boasted one small boy to another.
+
+"'Tain't much to brag of," the other sneered. "My pa an' uncle Jack are
+in jail, too."
+
+
+FISHING
+
+The congressman from California was telling at dinner in the hotel of
+tuna fishing.
+
+"Just run out in a small motor boat," he explained, "and anything less
+than a hundred pounds is poor sport."
+
+The colored waiter was so excited that he interrupted:
+
+"You say you go after hundred-pound fish in a little motor boat, suh?"
+
+The congressman nodded.
+
+"But," the darky protested, "ain't you scairt fer fear you'll ketch
+one?"
+
+
+FLATTERY
+
+An eminent statesman was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the
+car struck and killed a dog that leaped in front of it. At the
+statesman's order, the chauffeur stopped the car, and the great man got
+out and hurried back to where a woman was standing by the remains. The
+dead dog's mistress was deeply grieved, and more deeply angered. As the
+statesman attempted to address her placatingly, she turned on him
+wrathfully, and told him just what she thought, which was considerable
+and by no means agreeable. When, at last, she paused for breath, the
+culprit tried again to soothe her, saying:
+
+"Madam, I shall be glad to replace your dog."
+
+The woman drew herself up haughtily, surveyed the statesman with supreme
+scorn, and hissed:
+
+"Sir, you flatter yourself!"
+
+
+FLEAS
+
+The debutante was alarmed over the prospect of being taken in to dinner
+by the distinguished statesman.
+
+"Whatever can we talk about?" she demanded anxiously of her mother.
+
+Afterward, in the drawing-room, she came to her mother with a radiant
+smile.
+
+"He's fine," she exclaimed. "We weren't half way through the soup before
+we were chatting cozily about the fleas in Italian hotels."
+
+
+FLIRTATION
+
+The gentleman at the party, who was old enough to know better, turned to
+another guest, who had just paused beside him:
+
+"Women are fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She was smiling
+at me flirtatiously a few minutes ago and now she looks cold as an
+iceberg."
+
+"I have only just arrived," the other man said. "She is my wife."
+
+
+FLOOD
+
+The breakfaster in the cheap restaurant tried to make conversation with
+the man beside him at the counter.
+
+"Awful rainy spell--like the flood."
+
+"The flood?" The tone was polite, but inquiring.
+
+"_The_ flood--Noah, the Ark, Mount Ararat."
+
+The other bit off half a slice of bread, shook his head, and mumbled
+thickly:
+
+"Hain't read to-day's paper yit."
+
+
+FLOWERS
+
+Gilbert wrote a couplet concerning--
+
+
+     "An attachment _a la_ Plato
+     For a bashful young potato."
+
+
+Such suggestion is all very well in a humorous ballad, but we do not
+look for anything of the sort in a serious romance of real life.
+Nevertheless, a Welsh newspaper of recent date carried the following
+paragraph:
+
+"At ---- Church, on Monday last, a very interesting wedding was
+solemnized, the contracting parties being Mr. Richard ----, eldest son
+of Mr. and Mrs. ----, and a bouquet of pink carnations."
+
+
+FOG
+
+The old gentleman was lost in a London fog, so thick that he could
+hardly see his hand before his face. He became seriously alarmed when he
+found himself in a slimy alley. Then he heard footsteps approaching
+through the obscurity, and sighed with relief.
+
+"Where am I going to?" he cried anxiously.
+
+A voice replied weirdly from the darkness beyond:
+
+"Into the river--I've just come out!"
+
+
+FOLLIES
+
+A wise old Quaker woman once said that men were guilty of three most
+astonishing follies. The first was the climbing of trees to shake down
+the fruit, when if they would but wait, the fruit would fall of itself.
+The second was the going to war to kill one another, when if they would
+only wait, they must surely die naturally. The third was that they
+should run after women, when, if they did not do so, the women would
+surely run after them.
+
+
+FOOD
+
+The Arctic explorer at a reception on his return gave an informal talk
+concerning his experiences. He explained that a point further north
+would have been reached, if the dogs had not given out at a critical
+time.
+
+A lady, who had followed the explorer's remarks carefully, ventured a
+comment as the speaker paused:
+
+"But I thought those Esquimaux dogs were actually tireless."
+
+The explorer hesitated, and cleared his throat before answering.
+
+"I spoke," he elucidated, "in a--er--culinary sense."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young mother asked the man who supplied her with milk if he kept any
+calves, and smiled pleasedly when he said that he did.
+
+"Then," she continued brightly, "bring me a pint of calf's milk every
+day. I think cow's milk is too strong for baby."
+
+
+FOREHANDEDNESS
+
+The highly efficient housewife bragged that she always rose early, and
+had every bed in the house made before anybody else in the house was up.
+
+
+FORESIGHT
+
+The master directed that the picture should be hung on the east wall;
+the mistress preferred the west wall.
+
+The servant drove the nail where his master directed, but when he was
+left alone in the room he drove a nail in the other wall.
+
+"That," he said to himself, "will save my lugging the steps up here
+again to-morrow, when he has come around to agreeing with her."
+
+
+FORGETFULNESS
+
+The foreman of a Southern mill, who was much troubled by the
+shiftlessness of his colored workers, called sharply to two of the men
+slouching past him.
+
+"Hi, you! where are you going?"
+
+"Well, suh, boss," one of them answered, "we is goin' to de mill wid
+dis-heah plank."
+
+"Plank? What plank? Where's the plank?" the foreman demanded.
+
+The colored spokesman looked inquiringly and somewhat surprisedly at his
+own empty hands and those of his companion, whom he addressed
+good-naturedly:
+
+"Now, if dat don't beat all, George! If we hain't gone an' clean
+forgitted dat plank!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Two men met on the city street in the evening, and had a number of
+drinks together. The one who lived in the suburbs became confidential,
+and exhibited a string tied around a finger.
+
+"I don't dare to go home," he explained. "There's something my wife told
+me to do, without fail, and to make sure I wouldn't forget, she tied
+that string around my finger. But for the life of me I can't remember
+what the thing was I am to do. And I don't dare to go home!"
+
+A few days later the two men met again, this time in the afternoon.
+
+"Well," the one asked, "did you finally remember what that string was to
+remind you of?"
+
+The other showed great gloom in his expression, as he replied:
+
+"I didn't go home until the next night, just because I was scared, and
+then my wife told me what the string was for all right--she certainly
+did!" There was a note of pain in his voice. "The string was to remind
+me to be sure to come home early."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The clergyman drew near to the baptismal font, and directed that the
+candidates for baptism should now be presented. A woman in the
+congregation gave a gasp of dismay and turned to her husband, whom she
+addressed in a strenuous whisper:
+
+"There! I just knew we'd forget something. John, you run right home as
+fast as you can, and fetch the baby."
+
+
+FORM
+
+The traveler wrote an indignant letter to the officials of the railroad
+company, giving full details as to why he had sat up in the smoking-room
+all night, instead of sleeping in his berth. He received in reply a
+letter from the company, which was so courteous and logical that he was
+greatly soothed. His mood changed for the worse, however, when he
+happened to glance at his own letter, which had been enclosed through
+error. On the margin was jotted in pencil:
+
+"Send this guy the bed-bug letter."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A worker in the steel mills applied direct to Mr. Carnegie for a holiday
+in which to get married. The magnate inquired interestedly concerning
+the bride:
+
+"Is she tall or short, slender or plump?"
+
+The prospective bridegroom answered seriously:
+
+"Well, sir, I'm free to say, that if I'd had the rollin' of her, I sure
+would have given her three or four more passes."
+
+
+FRAUD
+
+The hired man on a New England farm went on his first trip to the city.
+He returned wearing a scarf pin set with at least four carats bulk of
+radiance. The jewelry dazzled the rural belles, and excited the envy of
+the other young men. His employer bluntly asked if it was a real
+diamond.
+
+"If it ain't," was the answer, "I was skun out o' half a dollar."
+
+
+FRIENDSHIP
+
+The kindly lady accosted the little boy on the beach, who stood with
+downcast head, and grinding his toes into the sand and looking very
+miserable and lonely indeed.
+
+"Haven't you anybody to play with?" she inquired sympathetically.
+
+The boy shook his head forlornly, as he explained:
+
+"I have one friend--but I hate him!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The clergyman on his vacation wrote a long letter concerning his
+traveling experiences to be circulated among the members of the
+congregation. The letter opened in this form:
+
+"Dear Friends:
+
+"I will not address you as ladies and gentlemen, because I know you so
+well."
+
+
+FRENCH
+
+An American tourist in France found that he had a two hours' wait for
+his train at a junction, and set out to explore the neighborhood. He
+discovered at last that he was lost, and could not find his way back to
+the station. He therefore addressed a passer-by in the best French he
+could recollect from his college days, mispronouncing it with great
+emphasis. He voiced his request for information as follows:
+
+"Pardonnez-moi. J'ai quitte ma train et maintenant je ne sais pas ou le
+trouver encore. Est-ce que vous pouvez me montrer le route a la train?"
+
+"Let's look for it together," said the stranger genially. "I don't speak
+French, either."
+
+
+FUSSINESS
+
+The traveler in the Blue Ridge Mountains made his toilet as best he
+could with the aid of the hand basin on its bench by the cabin door and
+the roller towel. He made use of his own comb and brush, tooth-brush,
+nail-file and whiskbroom. The small son of the cabin regarded his
+operations with rounded eyes, and at last broke forth:
+
+"By cricky, mister, I wantta know! Be ye allus thet much trouble to
+yerself?"
+
+
+GENDER
+
+It is quite possible to trap clergymen, as well as laymen, with the
+following question, because they are not always learned in the Old
+Testament.
+
+"If David was the father of Solomon, and Joab was the son of Zeruiah,
+what relation was Zeruiah to Joab?"
+
+Most persons give the answer that Zeruiah was the father of Joab,
+necessarily. That is not the correct answer. The trouble is that Zeruiah
+was a woman. And, of course, David and Solomon having nothing whatever
+to do with the case.
+
+
+GENTLEMAN
+
+There has been much controversy for years as to the proper definition of
+the much abused word "gentleman." Finally, by a printer's error in
+prefixing _un_ to an adverb, an old and rather mushy description of a
+gentleman has been given a novel twist and a pithy point. A
+contributor's letter to a metropolitan daily appeared as follows:
+
+"Sir--I can recall no better description of a gentleman than this--
+
+"'A gentleman is one who never gives offense unintentionally.'"
+
+
+GEOGRAPHY
+
+The airman, after many hours of thick weather, had lost his bearings
+completely. Then it cleared and he was able to make a landing.
+Naturally, he was anxious to know in what part of the world he had
+arrived. He put the question to the group of rustics that had promptly
+assembled. The answer was explicit:
+
+"You've come down in Deacon Peck's north medder lot."
+
+
+GHOSTS
+
+There was a haunted house down South which was carefully avoided by all
+the superstitious negroes. But a new arrival in the community, named
+Sam, bragged of his bravery as too superior to be shaken by any ghosts,
+and declared that, for the small sum of two dollars cash in hand paid,
+he would pass the night alone in the haunted house. A score of other
+darkies contributed, and the required amount was raised. It was not,
+however, to be delivered to the courageous Sam until his reappearance
+after the vigil. With this understanding the boaster betook himself to
+the haunted house for the night.
+
+When a select committee sought for Sam next morning, no trace of him was
+found. Careful search for three days failed to discover the missing
+negro.
+
+But on the fourth day Sam entered the village street, covered with mud
+and evidently worn with fatigue.
+
+"Hi, dar, nigger!" one of the bystanders shouted. "Whar you-all been de
+las' foh days?"
+
+And Sam answered simply:
+
+"Ah's been comin' back."
+
+
+GOD
+
+The little boy was found by his mother with pencil and paper, making a
+sketch. When asked what he was doing, he answered promptly, and with
+considerable pride:
+
+"I'm drawing a picture of God."
+
+"But," gasped the shocked mother, "you cannot do that. No one has seen
+God. No one knows how God looks."
+
+"Well," the little boy replied, complacently, "when I get through they
+will."
+
+
+GOD'S WILL
+
+The clergyman was calling, when the youthful son and heir approached his
+mother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank in repugnance,
+he attempted to reassure her:
+
+"Oh, it's dead all right, mama. We beat it and beat it and beat it, and
+it's deader 'n dead."
+
+His eyes fell on the clergyman, and he felt that something more was due
+to that reverend presence. So he continued in a tone of solemnity:
+
+"Yes, we beat it and beat it until--until God called it home!"
+
+
+GOLF
+
+The eminent English Statesman Arbuthnot-Joyce plays golf so badly that
+he prefers a solitary round with only the caddy present. He had a new
+boy one day recently, and played as wretchedly as usual.
+
+"I fancy I play the worst game in the world," he confessed to the caddy.
+
+"Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir," was the consoling response. "From what
+the boys were saying about another gentleman who plays here, he must be
+worse even than you are."
+
+"What's his name?" asked the statesman hopefully.
+
+And the caddy replied:
+
+"Arbuthnot-Joyce."
+
+
+GRACE
+
+The son and heir had just been confirmed. At the dinner table, following
+the church service, the father called on his son to say grace. The boy
+was greatly embarrassed by the demand. Moreover, he was tired, not only
+from the excitement of the special service through which he had passed,
+but also from walking to and from the church, four miles away, and, too,
+he was very hungry indeed and impatient to begin the meal. Despite his
+protest, however, the father insisted.
+
+So, at last, the little man folded his hands with a pious air, closed
+his eyes tight, bent his head reverently, and spoke his prayer:
+
+"O Lord, have mercy on these victuals. Amen!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The new clergyman in the country parish, during his visit to an old lady
+of his flock, inquired if she accepted the doctrine of Falling from
+Grace. The good woman nodded vigorously.
+
+"Yes, sir," she declared with pious zeal, "I believe in it, and, praise
+the Lord! I practise it!"
+
+
+GRAMMAR
+
+The passing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman shouting from a
+window down the street was calling to the little girl minding baby
+brother close by on the curb.
+
+"Your mother is calling you," she said kindly.
+
+The little girl corrected the lady:
+
+"Her ain't a-callin' we. Us don't belong to she."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The teacher asked the little girl if she was going to the Maypole dance.
+"No, I ain't going," was the reply.
+
+The teacher corrected the child:
+
+"You must not say, 'I ain't going,' you must say, 'I am not going.'"
+And she added to impress the point: "I am not going. He is not going. We
+are not going. You are not going. They are not going. Now, dear, can you
+say all that?"
+
+The little girl nodded and smiled brightly.
+
+"Sure!" she replied. "They ain't nobody going."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The witness, in answer to the lawyer's question, said:
+
+"Them hain't the boots what was stole."
+
+The judge rebuked the witness sternly:
+
+"Speak grammatic, young man--speak grammatic! You shouldn't ought to
+say, 'them boots what was stole,' you should ought to say, 'them boots
+as was stealed.'"
+
+
+GRASS
+
+The auctioneer, offering the pasture lot for sale, waved his hand
+enthusiastically, pointed toward the rich expanse of herbage, and
+shouted:
+
+"Now, then, how much am I offered for this field? Jest look at that
+grass, gentlemen. That's exactly the sort of grass Nebuchadnezzar would
+have given two hundred dollars an acre for."
+
+
+GREED
+
+An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later,
+the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her
+realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could
+not be fully paid for, she continued:
+
+"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself
+have embroidered."
+
+The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the
+physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added:
+
+"Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."
+
+"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.
+
+"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.
+
+The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put
+back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her
+departure.
+
+
+GRIEF
+
+At the wake, the bereaved husband displayed all the evidences of frantic
+grief. He cried aloud heart-rendingly, and tore his hair. The other
+mourners had to restrain him from leaping into the open coffin.
+
+The next day, a friend who had been at the wake encountered the widower
+on the street and spoke sympathetically of the great woe displayed by
+the man.
+
+"Did you go to the cemetery for the burying?" the stricken husband
+inquired anxiously, and when he was answered in the negative, continued
+proudly: "It's a pity ye weren't there. Ye ought to have seen the way I
+cut up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The old woman in indigent circumstances was explaining to a visitor, who
+found her at breakfast, a long category of trials and tribulations.
+
+"And," she concluded, "this very morning, I woke up at four o'clock, and
+cried and cried till breakfast time, and as soon as I finish my tea I'll
+begin again, and probably keep it up all day."
+
+
+HABIT
+
+It was the bridegroom's third matrimonial undertaking, and the bride's
+second. When the clergyman on whom they had called for the ceremony
+entered the parlor, he found the couple comfortably seated. They made no
+effort to rise, so, as he opened the book to begin the service, he
+directed them, "Please, stand up."
+
+The bridegroom looked at the bride, and the bride stared back at him,
+and then both regarded the clergyman, while the man voiced their
+decision in a tone that was quite polite, but very firm:
+
+"We have ginerally sot."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+It is a matter of common knowledge that there have been troublous times
+in Ireland before those of the present. In the days of the Land League,
+an Irish Judge told as true of an experience while he was holding court
+in one of the turbulent sections. When the jury entered the court-room
+at the beginning of the session, the bailiff directed them to take their
+accustomed places.... And every man of them walked forward into the
+dock.
+
+
+HAIR
+
+The school girl from Avenue A, who had just learned that the notorious
+Gorgon sisters had snakes for hair, chewed her gum thoughtfully as she
+commented:
+
+"Tough luck to have to get out and grab a mess of snakes any time you
+want an extry puff."
+
+
+HARD TO PLEASE
+
+The rather ferocious-appearing husband who had taken his wife to the
+beach for a holiday scowled heavily at an amateur photographer, and
+rumbled in a threatening bass voice:
+
+"What the blazes d'ye mean, photographin' my wife? I saw ye when ye done
+it."
+
+The man addressed cringed, and replied placatingly:
+
+"You're mistaken, really! I wouldn't think of doing such a thing."
+
+"Ye wouldn't, eh?" the surly husband growled, still more savagely. "And
+why not? I'd like to know. She's the handsomest woman on the beach."
+
+
+HASTE
+
+The colored man was condemned to be hanged, and was awaiting the time
+set for execution in a Mississippi jail. Since all other efforts had
+failed him, he addressed a letter to the governor, with a plea for
+executive clemency. The opening paragraph left no doubt as to his
+urgent need:
+
+"Dear Boss: The white folks is got me in dis jail fixin' to hang me on
+Friday mornin' and here it is Wednesday already."
+
+
+HEARSAY
+
+The convicted feudist was working for a pardon. It was reported to him
+that the opposing clan was pulling wires against him, and spreading
+false reports concerning him. He thereupon wrote a brief missive to the
+governor:
+
+"Deer guvner, if youve heared wat ive heared youve heared youve heared a
+lie."
+
+
+HEAVEN
+
+The clergyman in the following story probably did not mean exactly what
+he said, though, human nature being what it is, maybe it was true
+enough.
+
+A parishioner meeting the parson in the street inquired:
+
+"When do you expect to see Deacon Jones again?"
+
+"Never, never again!" the minister declared solemnly. "The deacon is in
+heaven!"
+
+
+HELP
+
+The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who
+chanced along inquired:
+
+"How's that new hand o' your'n?"
+
+"Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply. "He ain't a hand--he's a sore
+thumb."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A savage old boar got into a garden, and was doing much damage. When two
+men tried to drive it out, the animal charged. One of the two climbed a
+tree, the other dodged, and laid hold on the boar's tail. He hung on
+desperately, and man and beast raced wildly round and round the tree.
+Finally, the man shouted between gasps:
+
+"For heaven's sake, Bill, climb down here, and help me leggo this ornery
+old hog!"
+
+
+HELPFULNESS
+
+Many a mayor is a friend to the people--just like his honor in the
+following story.
+
+A taxpayer entered the office of the water registrar in a small city,
+and explained himself and his business there as follows:
+
+"My name is O'Rafferty. And my cellar is full of wather, and my hins
+will all be drowned intirely if it ain't fixed. And I'm here to inform
+yez that I'm wantin' it fixed."
+
+It was explained to the complainant that the remedy for his need must be
+sought at the office of the mayor, and he therefore departed to
+interview that official.
+
+After an interval of a few days, O'Rafferty made a second visit to the
+office of the registrar.
+
+"Sure, and I've come agin to tell yez that my cellar is now fuller of
+water than ever it was before. And I'm tellin' yez that I want it fixed,
+and I'm a man that carries votes in my pocket."
+
+The registrar again explained that he was powerless in the matter, and
+that the only recourse must be to the mayor.
+
+"The mayor is ut!" O'Rafferty snorted. "Sure and didn't I see the mayor?
+I did thot! And what did the mayor say to me? Huh! he said, 'Mr.
+O'Rafferty, why don't you keep ducks?'"
+
+
+HEN
+
+The customer asked for fresh eggs, and the clerk in the London shop
+said:
+
+"Them are fresh which has a hen on 'em."
+
+"But I don't see any hen."
+
+The clerk explained patiently.
+
+"Not the fowl, mum, but the letter _hen_. _Hen_ stands for _noo-laid_."
+
+
+HEREAFTER
+
+This is the dialogue between a little girl and a little boy:
+
+"What are you bawling about, Jimmie?"
+
+"I'm cryin' because maw has wented to heaven."
+
+"That's silly. Maybe she hain't."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Little Alice questioned her mother concerning heaven, and seemed pleased
+to be assured that she would have wings and harp and crown.
+
+"And candy, too, mamma?"
+
+The mother shook her head.
+
+"Anyhow," Alice declared, "I'm tickled we have such a fine doctor."
+
+
+HEREDITY
+
+The woman, who had a turn-up nose and was somewhat self-conscious
+concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to
+excite the jealousy of her little daughter.
+
+"How do you like your new little brother?" she asked the child
+teasingly.
+
+The girl replied, rather maliciously, perhaps:
+
+"He looks just like his muvver."
+
+
+HIGH PRICES
+
+Two men were talking together in the Public Library. One of them said:
+
+"The dime novel has gone. I wonder where it's gone to?"
+
+The other, who knew something of literature in its various phases,
+answered cynically:
+
+"It's gone up to a dollar and ninety cents."
+
+
+HINDSIGHT
+
+Mike, the hod-carrier, was still somewhat fuddled when he arose Monday
+morning, with the result that he put on his overalls wrong side to; with
+the further result, that he was careless while mounting the ladder later
+with a load of bricks, and fell to the ground. As he raised himself into
+a sitting position, a fellow workman asked solicitously:
+
+"Are yez kilt intoirly, Mike?"
+
+Mike, with drooping head, stared down dully at the seat of his overalls,
+and shook his head.
+
+"No," he declared in a tone of awe, "I'm not kilt, but I'm terrible
+twisted."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A rustic visitor to the city made a desperate run for the ferry boat as
+it was leaving the slip. He made a mighty leap, and covered the
+intervening space, then fell sprawling to the deck, where he lay stunned
+for about two minutes. At last he sat up feebly, and stared dazedly over
+the wide expanse of water between boat and shore.
+
+"Holy hop-toads!" he exclaimed in a tone of profound awe. "What a jump!"
+
+
+HINTING
+
+A Kansas editor hit on the following gentle device for dunning
+delinquent subscribers to the paper:
+
+"There i$ a little matter that $ome of our $ub$criber$ have $eemingly
+forgotten entirely. $ome of them have made u$ many promi$e$, but have
+not kept them. To u$ it i$ a very important matter--it'$ nece$$ary in
+our bu$me$$. We are very mode$t and don't like to $peak about $uch
+remi$$ne$$."
+
+
+HISTORY
+
+The faculty were arranging the order of examinations. It was agreed that
+the harder subjects should be placed first in the list. It was proposed
+that history should have the final place. The woman teacher of that
+subject protested:
+
+"But it is certainly one of the easiest subjects," the head of the
+faculty declared.
+
+The young woman shook her head, and spoke firmly:
+
+"Not the way I teach it. Indeed, according to my method, it is a very
+difficult study, and most perplexing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Down in Virginia, near Yorktown, lived an aged negro whose proud boast
+was that he had been the body servant of George Washington. As he was
+very old indeed, no one could disprove his claims, and he made the most
+of his historical pretentions. He was full of anecdotes concerning the
+Father of His Country, and exploited himself in every tale. His favorite
+narrative was of the capture of Lord Cornwallis by his master, which was
+as follows:
+
+"Yassuh, it were right on dis yere road, jest over dar by de fo'ks.
+Gen'l Washin'ton, he knowed dat ole Co'nwallis, he gwine pass dis way,
+an' 'im an' me, we done hid behin' de bushes an' watched. Yassuh, an'
+when ole Co'nwallis, he come by, Gen'l Washin'ton, he jumped out at 'im,
+an' he grab 'im by de collah, an' he say, 'Yoh blame' ole rascal, dat de
+time what Ah done gone cotch ye!"
+
+
+HOGS
+
+The professor and his wife were doubtful about returning to the farm on
+which they had passed the previous summer, because they had been
+somewhat annoyed by the proximity of the pigsty to the house. Finally,
+the professor wrote to the farmer and explained the objectionable
+feature. He received the following reply:
+
+"We hain't had no hogs on the place since you was here last summer. Be
+sure to come."
+
+
+HOLDING HIS OWN
+
+The farmer, after seven years of effort on the stony farm, announced to
+all and sundry:
+
+"Anyhow, I'm holdin' my own. I hadn't nothin' when I come here, an' I
+haven't nothin' now."
+
+
+HOME BREW
+
+The young man had offered his heart and hand to the fair damsel.
+
+"Before giving you my decision," she said sweetly, "I wish to ask you a
+question." Then, as he nodded assent: "Do you drink anything?"
+
+The young man replied without an instant of hesitation and proudly:
+
+"Anything!"
+
+And she fell into his arms.
+
+
+HOMESICKNESS
+
+One of our volunteers in the late war lost some of his first enthusiasm
+under the bitter experience of campaigning. One night at the front in
+France, while his company was stationed in a wood, a lieutenant
+discovered the recruit sitting on a log and weeping bitterly. The
+officer spoke roughly:
+
+"Now, what are you bawling about, you big baby?"
+
+"I wish I was in my daddy's barn!" replied the soldier in a plaintive
+voice.
+
+"In your daddy's barn!" the astonished lieutenant exclaimed. "What for?
+What would you do if you were in your daddy's barn?"
+
+"If I was in my daddy's barn," the youth explained huskily through a
+choking sob, "I'd go into the house mighty quick!"
+
+
+HONEYMOON
+
+The newly married pair were stopping in a hotel. The bride left the
+groom in their room while she went out on a brief shopping expedition.
+She returned in due time, and passed along the hotel corridor to the
+door, on which she tapped daintily.
+
+"I'm back, honey--let me in," she murmured with wishful tenderness. But
+there was no answer vouchsafed to her plea. She knocked a little more
+firmly, and raised her voice somewhat to call again:
+
+"Honey, honey--it's Susie! Let me in!"
+
+Thereupon a very cold masculine voice sounded through the door:
+
+"Madam, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom!"
+
+
+HONORABLE INTENTIONS
+
+A certain man notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years to
+a young lady, without coming to the point. The girl's father thought it
+time for him to interfere. On the swain's next visit, the father
+interviewed him:
+
+"Clinton, you've been settin' up with Nellie, an' takin' her to picnics,
+an' to church an' buggy-ridin', an' nothin's come of it. So, now,
+Clinton, I ask you, as man to man, what be your intentions?"
+
+And Clinton responded unabashed:
+
+"Well, answerin' you as man to man, I'll say there hain't no cause for
+you to ruffle your shirt. My intentions is honorable--but remote."
+
+
+HOSPITAL
+
+Little Mary, who had fallen ill, begged for a kitten. It was found that
+an operation was necessary for the child's cure, and that she must go
+to the hospital. The mother promised that if she would be very brave
+during this time of trial she should have the very finest kitten to be
+found.
+
+As Mary was coming out from the influence of the anesthetic, the nurse
+heard her muttering, and stooping, heard these words:
+
+"It's a bum way to get a cat."
+
+
+HOSPITALITY
+
+The good wife apologized to her unexpected guests for serving the apple
+pie without cheese. The little boy of the family slipped quietly away
+from the table for a moment, and returned with a cube of cheese, which
+he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled in recognition of the
+lad's thoughtfulness, popped the cheese into his mouth, and then
+remarked:
+
+"You must have sharper eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find
+it?"
+
+The boy replied with a flush of pride:
+
+"In the rat-trap."
+
+
+HUMBUG
+
+Two boys once thought to play a trick on Charles Darwin. They took the
+body of a centipede, the wings of a butterfly, the legs of a grasshopper
+and the head of a beetle, and glued these together to form a weird
+monster. With the composite creature in a box, they visited Darwin.
+
+"Please, sir, will you tell us what sort of a bug this is?" the
+spokesman asked.
+
+The naturalist gave a short glance at the exhibit and a long glance at
+the boys.
+
+"Did it hum?" he inquired solemnly.
+
+The boys replied enthusiastically, in one voice:
+
+"Oh, yes, sir."
+
+"Well, then," Darwin declared, "it is a humbug."
+
+
+HUMIDITY
+
+The little boy had been warned repeatedly against playing on the lawn
+when it was damp. Saturday evening, his father heard him recite a
+Scripture verse learned for the Sunday school.
+
+"'Put off thy shoes from they feet, for the ground whereon thou standest
+is----'" He halted at a loss.
+
+"Is what, my boy?" asked the father.
+
+"Is damp."
+
+
+HUMILITY
+
+The slow suitor asked:
+
+"Elizabeth, would you like to have a puppy?"
+
+"Oh, Edward," the girl gushed, "how delightfully humble of you. Yes,
+dearest, I accept."
+
+
+HUNGER
+
+"That woman never turns away a hungry man."
+
+"Ah, genuinely charitable!"
+
+"Hardly that. She says, 'Are you so hungry you want to saw some wood for
+a dinner?' And the answer is, 'No.'"
+
+
+HUNTING
+
+An amateur sportsman spent the day with dog and gun, but brought home no
+game. A friend twitted him with his failure:
+
+"Didn't you shoot anything at all?"
+
+The honest fellow nodded miserably.
+
+"I shot my dog."
+
+"Why?" his questioner demanded. "Was he mad?"
+
+The sportsman shook his head doubtfully.
+
+"Not exactly mad," he asserted; "and not so darned tickled neither!"
+
+
+IDENTITY
+
+The paying teller told mournfully of his experience with a strange woman
+who appeared at his wicket to have a check cashed.
+
+"But, madam," he advised her, "you will have to get some one to
+introduce you before I can pay you the money on this check."
+
+The woman stared at him disdainfully.
+
+"Sir!" she said haughtily. "I wish you to understand that I am here
+strictly on business. I am not making a social call. I do not care to
+know you."
+
+
+IDIOMS
+
+The foreigner, who prided himself on his mastery of colloquial
+expressions in English, was speaking of the serious illness of a
+distinguished statesman.
+
+"It would be a great pity," he declared, "if such a splendid man should
+kick the ghost."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The old man told how his brother made a hazardous descent into a well by
+standing in the bucket while those above operated the windlass.
+
+"And what happened?" one of the listeners asked as the aged narrator
+paused.
+
+The old man stroked his beard, and spoke softly, in a tone of sorrowing
+reminiscence:
+
+"He kicked the bucket."
+
+
+ILLUSTRATION
+
+Pat was set to work with the circular saw during his first day at the
+saw mill. The foreman gave careful instructions how to guard against
+injury, but no sooner was his back turned than he heard a howl from the
+novice, and, on turning, he saw that Pat had already lost a finger.
+
+"Now, how did that happen?" the foreman demanded.
+
+"Sure," was the explanation, "I was jist doin' like this
+when,--bejabers, there's another gone!"
+
+
+IMPATIENCE
+
+An acquaintance encountered in the village inquired of Farmer Jones
+concerning his wife, who was seriously ill. That worthy scowled and
+spat, and finally answered in a tone of fretful dejection:
+
+"Seems like Elmiry's falin' drefful slow. Dinged if I don't wish as how
+she'd git well, or somethin'."
+
+
+IMPUDENCE
+
+The ice on the river was in perfect condition. A small boy, with his
+skates on his arm, knocked at the door of the Civil War veteran, who had
+lost a leg at Antietam. When the door was opened by the old man, the boy
+asked:
+
+"Are you going out to-day, sir?"
+
+"Well, no, I guess not, sonny," was the answer. "Why?"
+
+"If you ain't," the boy suggested, "I thought I might like to borrow
+your wooden leg to play hockey."
+
+
+INDIRECTION
+
+The bashful suitor finally nerved himself to the supreme effort:
+
+"Er--Jenny, do you--think--er--your mother might--er--seriously
+consider--er--becoming my--er-mother-in-law?"
+
+
+INHERITANCE
+
+A lawyer made his way to the edge of the excavation where a gang was
+working, and called the name of Timothy O'Toole.
+
+"Who's wantin' me?" inquired a heavy voice.
+
+"Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer asked, "did you come from Castlebar, County
+Mayo?"
+
+"I did that."
+
+"And your mother was named Bridget and your father Michael?"
+
+"They was."
+
+"It is my duty, then," said the lawyer, "to inform you, Mr. O'Toole,
+that your Aunt Mary has died in Iowa, leaving you an estate of sixty
+thousand dollars."
+
+There was a short silence below, and then a lively commotion.
+
+"Are you coming, Mr. O'Toole?" the lawyer called down.
+
+"In wan minute," was bellowed in answer. "I've just stopped to lick the
+foreman."
+
+It required just six months of extremely riotous living for O'Toole to
+expend all of the sixty thousand dollars. His chief endeavor was to
+satisfy a huge inherited thirst.
+
+Then he went back to his job. And there, presently, the lawyer sought
+him out again.
+
+"It's your Uncle Patrick, this time, Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer explained.
+"He has died in Texas, and left you forty thousand dollars."
+
+O'Toole leaned heavily on his pick, and shook his head in great
+weariness.
+
+"I don't think I can take it," he declared. "I'm not as strong as I
+wance was, and I misdoubt me that I could go through all that money and
+live."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+In a London theatre, a tragedy was being played. The aged king tottered
+to and fro on the stage as he declaimed:
+
+"On which one of my two sons shall I bestow the crown?"
+
+A voice came down from the gallery:
+
+"Hi saye, guv'nor, myke it 'arf a crown apiece."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Said one Tommy to another:
+
+"That's a snortin' pipe, Bill. Where'd you happen on it?"
+
+"It was pussonal property of a Boche what tried to take me prisoner,"
+was the answer. "Inherited it from him."
+
+
+INITIATIVE
+
+The sweet little girl had a violent tussle with her particular chum. Her
+mother reprimanded her, and concluded by saying:
+
+"It was Satan who suggested to you the pulling of Jenny's hair."
+
+"I shouldn't be surprised," the child replied musingly. "But," she added
+proudly, "kicking her in the shins was entirely my own idea."
+
+
+INJUSTICE
+
+The child sat by the road bawling loudly. A passer-by asked him what was
+the matter.
+
+"My ma, she's gone and drowned the kittens," the boy wailed.
+
+"Oh, isn't that too bad!" was the sympathetic response.
+
+The child bawled the louder.
+
+"An' ma she promised me that I could drown 'em."
+
+
+INNOCENCE
+
+A little girl four years old was alone in the nursery with the door
+closed and fastened when her little brother arrived and expressed a
+desire to come in. The following was the dialogue:
+
+"I wants to tum in, Sissy."
+
+"But you tan't tum in, Tom."
+
+"But I wants to."
+
+"Well, I'se in my nightie gown an' nurse says little boys mus'n't see
+little girls in their nightie gowns."
+
+There was a period of silence during which the astonished little boy
+reflected on the mystery. It was ended by Sissy's calling out:
+
+"You tan tum in now, Tom--I tooked it off."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The very young clergyman made his first parochial call. He tried to
+admire the baby, and asked how old it was.
+
+"Just ten weeks old," the proud mother replied.
+
+And the very young clergyman inquired interestedly:
+
+"And is it your youngest?"
+
+
+INQUISITIVENESS
+
+In the smoking car, one of the passengers had an empty coatsleeve. The
+sharer of his seat was of an inquisitive turn, and after a vain effort
+to restrain his curiosity, finally hemmed and hawed, and said:
+
+"I beg pardon, sir, but I see you've lost an arm."
+
+The one-armed man picked up the empty sleeve in his remaining hand, and
+felt of it with every evidence of astonishment.
+
+"Bless my soul!" he exclaimed. "I do believe you're right."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The curiosity of the passenger was excited by the fact that his seatmate
+had his right arm in a sling, and the following dialogue occurred:
+
+"You broke your arm, didn't you?"
+
+"Well, yes, I did."
+
+"Had an accident, I suppose?"
+
+"Not exactly. I did it in trying to pat myself on the back."
+
+"My land! On the back! Now, whatever did you want to pat yourself on the
+back for?"
+
+"Just for minding my own business."
+
+
+INSOMNIA
+
+The man suffering from insomnia quite often makes a mistake in calling
+the doctor, when what he needs is the preacher.
+
+
+INSULT
+
+The young wife greeted her husband tearfully on his return from the
+day's work.
+
+"Oh, Willie, darling," she gasped, "I have been so insulted!"
+
+"Insulted!" Willie exclaimed wrathfully. "Insulted by whom?"
+
+"By your mother!" the wife declared, and sobbed aloud.
+
+The husband was aghast, but inclined to be skeptical.
+
+"By my mother, Ella? Why, dearest, that's nonsense. She's a hundred
+miles away."
+
+"But she did," the wife insisted. "A letter came to you this morning,
+and it was addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, I opened
+it."
+
+"Oh, yes, of course," Willie agreed, without any enthusiasm.
+
+"And it was written to you all the whole way through, every word of it,
+except----"
+
+"Except what?"
+
+"Except the postscript," the wife flared. "That was the insult--that was
+to me." The tears flowed again. "It said: 'P. S.--Dear Ella, don't fail
+to give this letter to Willie. I want him to read it.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Tom Corwin was remarkable for the size of his mouth. He claimed that he
+had been insulted by a deacon of his church.
+
+"When I stood up in the class meeting, to relate my experience," Corwin
+explained, "and opened my mouth, the Deacon rose up in front and said,
+'Will some brother please close that window, and keep it closed!'"
+
+
+INSURANCE
+
+The woman at the insurance office inquired as to the costs, amounts
+paid, etc.
+
+"So," she concluded, "if I pay five dollars, you pay me a thousand if my
+house burns down. But do you ask questions about how the fire came to
+start?"
+
+"We make careful investigation, of course," the agent replied.
+
+The woman flounced toward the door disgustedly.
+
+"Just as I thought," she called over her shoulder. "I knew there was a
+catch in it."
+
+
+INTERMISSION
+
+During a lecture, Artemas Ward once startled the crowd of listeners by
+announcing a fifteen-minute intermission. After contemplating the
+audience for a few minutes, he relieved their bewilderment by saying:
+
+"Meanwhile, in order to pass the time, we will proceed with the
+lecture."
+
+
+INVENTORS
+
+The profiteer, skimming over the advertisements in his morning paper,
+looked across the damask and silver and cut glass at his wife, and
+remarked enviously:
+
+"These inventors make the money. Take cleaners, now, I'll bet that
+feller Vacuum has cleared millions."
+
+
+ITEMS
+
+The painter was required to render an itemized bill for his repairs on
+various pictures in a convent. The statement was as follows:
+
+
+     Corrected and renewed the Ten Commandments            6.00
+     Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a new ribbon
+       on his bonnet                                       3.06
+     Put a new tail on the rooster of St. Peter and
+       mended his bill                                     4.08
+     Put a new nose on St. John the Baptist and
+       straightened his eye                                2.06
+     Replumed and gilded the left wing of the Guardian
+       Angel                                               5.06
+     Washed the servant of the High Priest and put
+       carmine on his cheeks                               2.04
+     Renewed Heaven, adjusted ten stars, gilded the
+       sun and cleaned the moon                            8.02
+     Reanimated the flames of Purgatory and restored
+       some souls                                          3.06
+     Revived the flames of Hell, put a new tail on the
+       devil, mended his left hoof and did several odd
+       jobs for the damned                                 4.10
+     Put new spatter-dashes on the son of Tobias and
+       dressing on his sack                                2.00
+     Rebordered the robe of Herod and readjusted his
+       wig                                                 3.07
+     Cleaned the ears of Balaam's ass, and shod him        2.08
+     Put earrings in the ears of Sarah                     5.00
+     Put a new stone in David's sling, enlarged Goliath's
+       hand and extended his legs                          2.00
+     Decorated Noah's Ark                                  1.20
+     Mended the shirt of the Prodigal Son, and cleaned
+       the pigs                                            1.00
+                                                          -----
+                                                          53.83
+
+
+JOKES
+
+The joke maker's association had a feast. They exploited their humorous
+abilities, and all made merry, save one glum guest. At last, they
+insisted that this melancholy person should contribute to the
+entertainment. He consented, in response to much urging, to offer a
+conundrum:
+
+"What is the difference between me and a turkey?"
+
+When none could guess the answer, the glum individual explained:
+
+"I am alive. They stuff turkeys with chestnuts after they are dead."
+
+
+KINSHIP
+
+The urchin was highly excited, and well he might be when we consider his
+explanation:
+
+"They got twins up to sisters. One twin, he's a boy, an' one twin, she's
+a girl, an' so I'm a uncle an' a aunt."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The Southern lady interrogated her colored cook, Matilda, concerning a
+raid made on the chicken-house during the night.
+
+"You sleep right close to the chicken-house, Matilda, and it seems to me
+you must have heard the noise when those thieves were stealing the
+chickens."
+
+"Yes, ma'am," Matilda admitted, with an expression of grief on her dusky
+features. "I heerd de chickens holler, an' I heerd the voices ob de
+men."
+
+"Then why didn't you go out and stop them?" the mistress demanded.
+
+Matilda wept.
+
+"Case, ma'am," she exclaimed, "I know'd my old fadder was dar, an' I
+wouldn't hab him know I'se los' confidence in him foh all de chickens in
+de world. If I had gone out dar an' kotched him, it would have broke his
+ole heart, an', besides, he would hab made me tote de chickens home foh
+him."
+
+
+KISSES
+
+The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous condition, appealed to the
+clergyman in a loud whisper, at the close of the ceremony:
+
+"Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?"
+
+The clergyman might have replied:
+
+"Not yet, but soon."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young man addressed the old grouch:
+
+"When a fellow has taken a girl to a show, and fed her candy, and given
+her supper, and taken her home in a taxi, shouldn't she let a fellow
+kiss her good-night?"
+
+The old grouch snorted.
+
+"Humph! He's already done more than enough for her."
+
+
+KISSING
+
+The subject of kissing was debated with much earnestness for a half hour
+between the girl and her young man caller. The fellow insisted that it
+was always possible for a man to kiss a girl at will, whether she chose
+to permit it or not. The maiden was firm in maintaining that such was
+not the case. Finally, it was decided that the only solution of the
+question must be by a practical demonstration one way or the other. So,
+they tried it. They clinched, and the battle was on. After a lively
+tussle, they broke away. The girl had been kissed--ardently for a period
+of minutes. Her comment showed an undaunted spirit:
+
+"Oh, well, you really didn't win fair. My foot slipped.... Let's try it
+again."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The tiny boy fell down and bumped his head. His Uncle Bill picked the
+child up, with the remark:
+
+"Now I'll kiss it, and the pain will all be gone."
+
+The youngster recovered his smiles under the treatment, and then, as he
+was set down, addressed his uncle eagerly:
+
+"Come down in the kitchen--the cook has the toothache."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Some Scottish deacons were famous, if not notorious, for the readiness
+with which they could expound any passage of Scripture. It is recorded
+of a certain elder that as he read and commented on the thirty-fourth
+Psalm, he misread the sentence, "Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips
+from speaking guile." He carelessly read the last two words: "squeaking
+girls." But the astonishing phrase did not dismay him in the least, or
+cause him to hesitate in his exegesis. He expounded instantly and
+solemnly:
+
+"It is evident from this passage, my brethren, that the Scripture does
+not absolutely forbid kissing, but, as in Christianity everything is to
+be done decently and in order, we are here encouraged by this passage to
+choose rather those girls that take it quietly, in preference to those
+that squeak under the operation."
+
+
+LAUGHTER
+
+Josh Billings said:
+
+"Laff every time yu pheel tickled--and laff once in a while enny how."
+
+
+LAW
+
+The lawyer explained to the client his scale of prices:
+
+"I charge five dollars for advising you as to just what the law permits
+you to do. For giving you advice as to the way you can safely do what
+the law forbids, my minimum fee is one hundred dollars."
+
+
+LAWYERS
+
+There was a town jail, and there was a county jail. The fact was worth
+forty dollars to the lawyer who was approached by an old darky in behalf
+of a son languishing in duress. The lawyer surveyed the tattered client
+as he listened, and decided that he would be lucky to obtain a
+ten-dollar fee. He named that amount as necessary to secure the
+prisoner's release. Thereupon, the old colored man drew forth a large
+roll of bills, and peeled off a ten. The lawyer's greedy eyes popped.
+
+"What jail is your son in?" he inquired craftily.
+
+"In the county jail."
+
+"In the county jail!" was the exclamation in a tone of dismay. "That's
+bad--very bad. It will cost you at least fifty dollars."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Some physicians direct their patients to lie always on the right side,
+declaring that it is injurious to the health to lie on both sides. Yet,
+lawyers as a class enjoy good health.
+
+
+LEGERDEMAIN
+
+"What did you do last night?"
+
+"I went to a slight-of-hand performance. Called on Laura Sears, and
+offered her my hand, and she slighted it."
+
+
+LENT
+
+"Did you give up anything during Lent?" one man asked another.
+
+"Yes," was the reply, uttered with a heavy sigh. "I gave up fifty
+dollars for a new Easter bonnet."
+
+
+LIARS
+
+The World War has incited veterans of the Civil War to new reminiscences
+of old happenings. One of these is based on the fact that furloughs were
+especially difficult to obtain when the Union army was in front of
+Petersburg, Virginia. But a certain Irishman was resolved to get a
+furlough in spite of the ban. He went to the colonel's tent, and was
+permitted to enter. He saluted, and delivered himself thus:
+
+"Colonel, I've come to ax you to allow me the pleasure of a furlough for
+a visit home. I've been in the field now three years, an' never home yet
+to see me family. An' I jest had a letter from me wife wantin' av me to
+come home to see her an' the children."
+
+The colonel shook his head decisively.
+
+"No, Mike," he replied. "I'm sorry, but to tell the truth, I don't think
+you ought to go home. I've jest had a letter from your wife myself. She
+doesn't want you to come home. She writes me that you'd only get drunk,
+and disgrace her and the children. So you'd better stay right here until
+your term of service expires."
+
+"All right, sir," Mike answered, quite cheerfully. He saluted and went
+to the door of the tent. Then he faced about.
+
+"Colonel dear," he inquired in a wheedling voice, "would ye be after
+pardonin' me for a brief remark jist at this toime?"
+
+"Yes, certainly," the officer assented.
+
+"Ye won't git mad an' put me in the guard house for freein' me mind, so
+to spake?"
+
+"No, indeed! Say what you wish to."
+
+"Well, thin, Colonel darlint, I'm afther thinkin' thar are at the
+prisint moment in this tint two of the biggest liars in all the Army of
+the Potomic, an' sure I'm one av thim--I have no wife."
+
+
+LIES
+
+A certain famous preacher when preaching one Sunday in the summer time
+observed that many among the congregation ware drowsing. Suddenly, then,
+he paused, and afterward continued in a loud voice, relating an incident
+that had no connection whatever with his sermon. This was to the
+following effect:
+
+"I was once riding along a country road. I came to the house of a
+farmer, and halted to observe one of the most remarkable sights I have
+ever seen. There was a sow with a litter of ten little pigs. This sow
+and each of her offspring had a long curved horn growing out of the
+forehead between the ears."
+
+The clergyman again paused, and ran his eye over the congregation.
+Everybody was now wide-awake. He thereupon remarked:
+
+"Behold how strange! A few minutes since, when I was telling you the
+truth, you went to sleep. But now when you have heard a whopping lie,
+you are all wide-awake."
+
+
+LIGHTNING
+
+The woman was strong-minded, and she was religious, and she was also
+afflicted with a very feminine fear of thunder storms. She was
+delivering an address at a religious convention when a tempest suddenly
+broke with din of thunder and flare of lightning. Above the noise of the
+elements, her voice was heard in shrill supplication:
+
+"O Lord, take us under Thy protecting wings, for Thou knowest that
+feathers are splendid non-conductors."
+
+
+LISP
+
+The kindergarten teacher questioned her tiny pupil:
+
+"Do you know, Jennie, what a panther is?"
+
+"Yeth, ma'am," Jennie replied, beaming. "A panther ith a man who makes
+panth."
+
+
+LITERAL
+
+The class had been told by the teacher to write compositions in which
+they must not attempt any flights of fancy, but should only state what
+was really in them. The star production from this command was a
+composition written by a boy who was both sincere and painstaking. It
+ran as follows:
+
+"I shall not attempt any flites of fancy, but wright just what is really
+in me. In me there is my stommick, lungs, liver, two apples, two cakes
+and my dinner."
+
+
+LITERALNESS
+
+The visitor from the city stopped in at the general store of the
+village, and inquired:
+
+"Have you anything in the shape of automobile tires?"
+
+"Yep," the store-keeper answered briskly, "life-preservers, invalid
+cushions, funeral wreaths, doughnuts, an' sich."
+
+
+LOGIC
+
+The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before
+the gooseberry bush in the garden. She noted that his expression was
+both puzzled and distressed.
+
+"Why, what's the matter, little lamb?" she asked tenderly.
+
+"I'm finkin, muvver," the boy answered.
+
+"What about, little man?"
+
+"Have gooseberries any legs, muvver?"
+
+"Why, no! Of course not, dear."
+
+The perplexity passed from the little boy's face, but the expression of
+trouble deepened, as he spoke again:
+
+"Then, muvver, I fink I've swallowed a catapillar."
+
+
+LOQUACITY
+
+The two old Scotchmen played a round of seventeen holes without a word
+exchanged between them. As they came to the eighteenth green, Sandy
+surveyed the lie, and muttered:
+
+"Dormie."
+
+Quoth Tammas, with a snarl:
+
+"Chatter-r-rbox!"
+
+
+LOVE
+
+The philosopher calmly defined the exact difference between life and
+love:
+
+"Life is just one fool thing after another: love is just two fool things
+after each other."
+
+
+LOVE ME, LOVE ME NOT
+
+The little girl came in tears to her mother.
+
+"God doesn't love me," she sobbed.
+
+"Of course, God loves you," the mother declared. "How did you ever come
+to get such an idea?"
+
+"No," the child persisted, "He doesn't love me. I know--I tried Him with
+a daisy."
+
+
+LUCK
+
+The pessimist quoted from his own experience at poker in illustration of
+the general cussedness of things:
+
+"Frequent, I have sot in a poker game, and it sure is queer how things
+will turn out. I've sot hour after hour in them games, without ever
+takin' a pot. And then, 'long about four o'clock in the mornin', the
+luck'd turn--it'd take a turn for the worse."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the very
+expensive restaurant.
+
+"Just luck," the hungry man replied, sadly. "I happened to move that
+small piece of potato, and there it was!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The new reporter wrote his concluding paragraph concerning the murder as
+follows:
+
+"Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all of his money in the
+bank the day before. He lost practically nothing but his life."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The editor of the country paper went home to supper, smiling radiantly.
+
+"Have you had some good luck?" his wife questioned.
+
+"Luck! I should say so. Deacon Tracey, who hasn't paid his subscription
+for ten years, came in and stopped his paper."
+
+
+LUNACY
+
+The lunatic peered over the asylum wall, and saw a man fishing from the
+bank of the river that ran close by. It was raining hard, which cooled
+the fevered brow of the lunatic and enabled him to think with great
+clearness. In consequence, he called down to the drenched fisherman:
+
+"Caught anything?"
+
+The man on the bank looked up, and shook his head glumly.
+
+"How long you been there?" the lunatic next demanded.
+
+"Three hours," was the answer.
+
+The lunatic grinned hospitably, and called down an invitation:
+
+"Come inside!"
+
+
+LUXURY
+
+The retired colonel, who had seen forty years of active service, gave
+his body servant, long his orderly, explicit instructions:
+
+"Every morning, at five sharp, Sam, you are to wake me up, and say,
+'Time for the parade, sir.'
+
+"Then, I'll say, 'Damn the parade!' and turn over and go to sleep
+again."
+
+
+LYING
+
+The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring:
+
+"I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving
+town to-day for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the
+train and pay him the money."
+
+"You are excused," the judge announced in a very cold voice. "I don't
+want anybody on the jury who can lie like you."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The tender young mother detected her baby boy in a deliberate lie. With
+tears in her eyes, and a catch in her voice, she sought to impress upon
+him the enormity of his offense.
+
+"Do you know," she questioned severely, "what happens to little boys who
+tell falsehoods?"
+
+The culprit shook his head in great distress, and the mother explained
+carefully:
+
+"Why, a great big black man, with horns on his head and one eye in the
+center of his forehead, comes along and grabs the little boy who has
+told a falsehood, and flies with him up to the moon, and keeps him there
+sifting ashes all the rest of his life. You won't ever tell another
+falsehood, will you, darling? It's wicked!"
+
+Mother's baby boy regarded the speaker with round-eyed admiration.
+
+"Oh, ma," he gurgled, "what a whopper!"
+
+
+MAIDENS
+
+"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get
+married," said the languishing coquette to her most intimate confidante.
+
+"I'll tell you," came the catty answer, "if you'll tell me how many men
+you're going to marry."
+
+
+MAIDEN SPEECH
+
+The unhappy man explained the cause of his wretchedness:
+
+"I've never made a speech in my life. But last night at the dinner at
+the club they insisted on my making some remarks, and I got up, and
+began like this:
+
+"As I was sitting on my thought, a seat struck me."
+
+
+MANNERS
+
+It is told of Prince Herbert Bismarck that at a reception in the Royal
+Palace in Berlin he rudely jostled a high dignitary of the Italian
+church. In answer to the prelate's expression of annoyance, the Prince
+drew himself haughtily erect, and said, "I am Herbert Bismarck."
+
+"Ah," replied the churchman, "that fact is perhaps an apology;
+certainly, it is a complete explanation."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The tenderfoot in the Western town asked for coffee and rolls at the
+lunch counter. He was served by the waitress, and there was no saucer
+for the cup.
+
+"What about the saucer?" he asked.
+
+The girl explained:
+
+"We don't hand out saucers no more. We found, if we did, like's not,
+some low-brow would drift in an' drink out of the saucer, an' that ain't
+good fer trade. This here is a swell dump."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+After treading rather heavily on her foot, the man in the street car
+made humble apology to the woman. She listened in grim silence, and,
+when he had made an end, spoke very much to the point:
+
+"That's it! Walk all over a body's feet, an' then blat about how sorry
+you be. Well, I jest want you to understand that if I wasn't a puffick
+lady, I'd slap your dirty face!"
+
+
+MARKSMANSHIP
+
+During the Saturday night revels in a frontier town, the scrawniest and
+skinniest beanpole-type citizen got shot in the leg. The only doctor in
+the town had done celebrating and gone to bed. A posse of citizens
+pounded on the doctor's door, until he thrust his head out of a window.
+
+"Whazzamazzer?" he called down.
+
+"Comea-runnin', Doc. Joe Jinks's been shot."
+
+"Whereabouts shot?"
+
+"In the laig."
+
+"_Some_ shootin'!" And the doctor slammed the window shut.
+
+
+MARRIAGE
+
+Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The mild little husband was appealing to the court for protection from
+the large, bony belligerent and baleful female who was his wife.
+
+"Let us begin at the beginning," said the judge. "Where did you first
+meet this woman who has thus abused you?"
+
+The little man shuddered, and looked everywhere except at his wife as he
+replied:
+
+"I never did, so to say, meet up with her. She jest naturally overtook
+me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An African newspaper recently carried the following advertisement:
+
+
+                 _Wanted_
+     Small nicely furnished house, nice
+        locality, from August 1st, for
+        nearly married couple.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The solemn ceremony of marriage was being performed for the blushing
+young bride and the elderly gentleman who had been thrice widowed. There
+was a sound of loud sobs from the next room. The guests were startled,
+but a member of the bridegroom's family explained:
+
+"That's only our Jane. She always cries when Pa is gettin' married."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The mistress was annoyed by the repeated calls of a certain negro on her
+colored cook.
+
+"You told me," she protested to the cook, "that you had no man friends.
+But this fellow is in the kitchen all the time."
+
+"Dat nigger, he hain't no friend o' mine," the cook declared scornfully.
+"Him, he's jes' my 'usban'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Deacon Gibbs explained why he had at last decided to move into town in
+spite of the fact that he had always declared himself a lover of life in
+the country. But his explanation was clear and conclusive.
+
+"My third wife, Mirandy, she don't like the country, an' what Mirandy
+she don't like, I jist nacherly hev to hate."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The wife suggested to her husband that he should pay back to her the
+dollar he had borrowed the week before.
+
+"But," the husband protested indignantly, "I've already paid that dollar
+back to you twice! You can't expect me to pay it again!"
+
+"Oh, very well," the wife retorted with a contemptuous sniff, "never
+mind, since you are as mean as that."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The very youthful son of a henpecked father was in a gloomy mood,
+rebellious against the conditions of his life. He announced a desperate
+purpose:
+
+"I'm going to get married. I'm bossed by pa an ma, an' teacher, an' I
+ain't going to stan' for it. I'm going to get married right smack off. A
+married man ain't bossed by nobody 'cept his wife."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The woman was six feet tall and broad and brawny in proportion. The man
+was a short five feet, anemic and wobegone. The woman haled him before
+the justice of the peace with a demand that he marry her or go to jail.
+
+"Did you promise to marry this lady?" the justice asked.
+
+"Guilty, your honor," was the answer.
+
+The justice turned to the woman: "Are you determined to marry this man?"
+
+"I am!" she snapped.
+
+"Join hands," the justice commended. When they had done so he raised his
+own right hand impressively and spoke solemnly:
+
+"I pronounce you twain woman and husband."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A lady received a visit from a former maid three months after the girl
+had left to be married.
+
+"And how do you like being married?" the lady inquired.
+
+The bride replied with happy enthusiasm:
+
+"Oh, it's fine, ma'am--getting married is! Yes'm, it's fine! but, land's
+sake, ma'am," she added suddenly, "ain't it tedious!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The negro, after obtaining a marriage license, returned a week later to
+the bureau, and asked to have another name substituted for that of the
+lady.
+
+"I done changed mah mind," he announced. The clerk remarked that the
+change would cost him another dollar and a half for a new license.
+
+"Is that the law?" the colored man demanded in distress. The clerk
+nodded, and the applicant thought hard for a full minute:
+
+"Gee!" he said at last. "Never mind, boss, this ole one will do. There
+ain't a dollar and a half difference in them niggers no how."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The New England widower was speaking to a friend confidentially a week
+after the burial of his deceased helpmate.
+
+"I'm feelin' right pert," he admitted; "pearter'n I've felt afore in
+years. You see, she was a good wife. She was a good-lookin' woman, an'
+smart as they make 'em, an' a fine housekeeper, an' she always done her
+duty by me an' the children, an' she warn't sickly, an' I never hearn a
+cross word out o' her in all the thutty year we lived together. But
+dang it all! Somehow, I never did like Maria.... Yes, I'm feelin' pretty
+peart."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+There were elaborate preparations in colored society for a certain
+wedding. The prospective bride had been maid to a lady who met the girl
+on the street a week after the time set for the ceremony and inquired
+concerning it:
+
+"Did you have a big wedding, Martha?"
+
+"'Deed ah did, missus, 'deed ah did, de most splendiferous occasion ob
+de season."
+
+"Did you receive handsome presents?"
+
+"Yes'm, yes'm, de hull house was jes' crowded wiv de gifts."
+
+"And was your house nicely decorated?"
+
+"Yes'm, yes'm. An' everybody done wear der very best, look jes' lak a
+white-folks' weddin', yes'm."
+
+"And yourself, Martha, how did you look?"
+
+"Ah was sutinly some scrumptious, yes'm. Ah done wore mah white bridal
+dress an' orange blossoms, yes'm. Ah was some kid."
+
+"And the bridegroom, how did he appear?"
+
+"De bridegroom? Aw, dat triflin', low-down houn' dawg, he didn't show up
+at all, but we had a magnificious occasion wivout him, jes' de same!"
+
+
+MERIT
+
+Mrs. Rafferty stopped to address Mrs. Flannagan, who was standing at
+ease in the door of the tenement. She spoke with an air of fine pride:
+
+"I'm afther havin' a letter from me boy. He tells me that fer
+meritorious condooct, his sintince will be reduced six months."
+
+Mrs. Flannagan beamed appreciatively on hearing the glad tidings.
+
+"Sure, now, an' what a comfort it must be t' yez, havin' a son what does
+ye such credit."
+
+
+MILITARY DISCIPLINE
+
+The raw recruit was on sentry duty. He had a piece of pie, which he had
+brought from the canteen, and proceeded to enjoy it. Just then, the
+colonel happened along, and scowled at the sentry, who paid no attention
+to him whatever.
+
+"Do you know who I am?" the officer demanded.
+
+The sentry shook his head. "Mebby, the veterinarian, or the barber, or
+mebby the colonel himself." The sentry laughed loudly at his own wit.
+But he wiltered as the officer sternly declared his identity.
+
+"Oh good land!" the recruit cried out in consternation. "Please, hold
+this pie while I present arms."
+
+
+MISCELLANY
+
+It is related concerning a sofa, belonging to a man blessed (?) with
+seven daughters, all unmarried, which was sent to the upholsterer to be
+repaired, that, when taken apart, the following articles were
+discovered:
+
+Forty-seven hairpins, three mustache combs, nineteen suspender buttons,
+thirteen needles, eight cigarettes, four photographs, two hundred and
+seventeen pins, some grains of coffee, a number of cloves, twenty-seven
+cuff-buttons, six pocket-knives, fifteen poker-chips, a vial of
+homeopathic medicine for the nerves, thirty-four lumps of chewing-gum,
+fifty-nine toothpicks, twenty-eight matches, fourteen button-hooks, two
+switches, a transformation and two plates of false teeth, which
+apparently had bitten each other.
+
+
+MISTAKEN IDENTITY
+
+The raw Irishman was told by the farmer for whom he worked that the
+pumpkins in the corn patch were mule's eggs, which only needed someone
+to sit on them to hatch. Pat was ambitious to own a mule, and, selecting
+a large pumpkin, he sat on it industriously every moment he could steal
+from his work. Came a day when he grew impatient, and determined to
+hasten the hatching. He stamped on the pumpkin. As it broke open, a
+startled rabbit broke from its cover in an adjacent corn shock and
+scurried across the field. Pat chased it, shouting:
+
+"Hi, thar! Stop! don't yez know your own father?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The meek-looking gentleman arose hastily and offered his seat in the car
+to the self-assertive woman who had entered and glared at him. She gave
+him no thanks as she seated herself, but she spoke in a heavy voice that
+filled the whole car:
+
+"What are you standing up there for? Come here, and sit on my lap."
+
+The modest man turned scarlet as he huskily faltered:
+
+"I fear, madam, that I am not worthy of such an honor."
+
+"How dare you!" the woman boomed. "You know perfectly well I was
+speaking to my niece behind you."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The little man was perfectly harmless, but the lady sitting next to him
+in the car was a spinster, and suspicious of all males. So, since they
+were somewhat crowded on the seat, she pushed the umbrella between her
+knee and his and held it firmly as a barrier. A shower came up, and the
+woman when she left the car, put up the umbrella. As she did so, she
+perceived that the little man had followed her. She had guessed that he
+was a masher, now she knew it. She walked quickly down the side street,
+and the man pursued through the driving rain. She ran up the steps of
+her home, and rang the bell. When she heard the servant coming to the
+door, feeling herself safe at last, she faced about and addressed her
+pursuer angrily:
+
+"How dare you follow me! How dare you! What do you want, anyhow?"
+
+The drenched little man at the foot of the steps spoke pleadingly:
+
+"If you please, ma'am, I want my umbrella."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The traveling salesman instructed the porter that he must leave the
+train at Cleveland, where he was due at three o'clock in the morning. He
+explained that violence might be necessary because he did not wake
+easily. He emphasized his instructions with a generous tip.
+
+The drummer awoke at six in the morning, with Cleveland far behind. In
+a rage, he sought the porter. The colored man was in a highly disheveled
+state and his face was bruised badly. His eyes popped at sight of the
+furious traveling man, who allowed no opportunity for explanations or
+excuses. He did all the talking, and did it forcibly. When at last the
+outraged salesman went away, the porter shook his head dismally, and
+muttered:
+
+"Now, Ah shohly wonder who-all Ah done put off at Cleveland."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The assistant minister announced to the congregation that a special
+baptismal service would be held the following Sunday at three o'clock in
+the afternoon, and that any infants to receive the rite should be
+brought to the church at that time.
+
+The old clergyman, who was deaf, thought that his assistant was speaking
+of the new hymnals, and he added a bit of information:
+
+"Anyone not already provided can obtain them in the vestry for a dollar,
+or with red backs and speckled edges for one dollar and a half."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The child went with her mother on a visit in New Jersey. At bedtime, the
+little girl was nervous over the strangeness of her surroundings, but
+the mother comforted her, saying:
+
+"Remember, dear, God's angels are all about you."
+
+A little later, a cry from the child called the mother back into the
+room.
+
+"The angels are buzzing all around just dreadful, mama, and they bite!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The new clergyman was coming to call, and the mother gave Emma some
+instructions:
+
+"If he asks your name, say Emma Jane; if he asks how old you are, say
+you are eight years old; if he asks who made you, say God made me."
+
+It is a fact that the clergyman did ask just those three questions in
+that order, to the first two of which Emma replied correctly. But it is
+also a fact that when the minister propounded the third query, as to her
+origin, the child hesitated, and then said:
+
+"Mama did tell me the man's name, but I've gone and forgotten it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The editor of a country newspaper betook himself to a party at the house
+of a neighbor, where, only a few weeks earlier, a baby had been added to
+the family. On the editor's arrival at the house, he was met at the door
+by his hostess, a woman who suffered to some extent from deafness. After
+the usual exchange of greetings, the editor inquired concerning the
+health of the baby. The hostess had a severe cold, and she now
+misunderstood the visitor's inquiry concerning the baby, thinking that
+he was solicitous on her account. So she explained to the aghast editor
+who had asked about the baby that, although she usually had one every
+winter, this was the very worst one she had ever had, it kept her awake
+at night a great deal, and at first confined her to her bed. Having
+explained thus far, the good lady noticed the flabbergasted air of her
+guest. She continued sympathetically; saying that she could tell by his
+looks and the way he acted that he was going to have one just like hers.
+Then she insisted that, as a precautionary measure for the sake of his
+condition, he should come in out of the draft and sit down and stay
+quiet.
+
+
+MISMATED
+
+A Texas lad, lacking a team of horses or oxen or mules for his
+ploughing, engaged his sister to direct the plough, while he yoked
+himself to a steer for the pulling. The steer promptly ran away, and the
+lad had no choice but to run too. They came shortly into the village and
+went tearing down the street. And as he raced wildly, the young man
+shouted:
+
+"Here we come--darn our fool souls! Somebody head us off!"
+
+
+MIXED METAPHORS
+
+A babu, or native clerk, in India, who prided himself on his mastery of
+the English tongue and skill in its idioms, sent the following telegram
+in announcement of his mother's death:
+
+"Regret to announce that hand which rocked the cradle has kicked the
+bucket."
+
+
+MODESTY
+
+A British journalist, in an article on Sir Henry Irving for a London
+weekly wrote:
+
+"I was his guest regularly at all Lyceum first nights for a whole
+quarter of a century.... He delighted in the company of third-rate
+people."
+
+
+MONEY TALKS
+
+The disreputable-looking panhandler picked out an elderly gentleman of
+most benevolent aspect and made a plea for a small financial
+contribution. When he had finished his narrative of misery and woe the
+elderly gentleman replied benignantly:
+
+"My good friend, I have no money, but I can give you some good advice."
+
+The tramp spat contemptuously, and uttered an oath of disgust.
+
+"If you hain't got no money," he jeered, "I reckon your advice ain't
+worth hearin'."
+
+
+MONEY VALUE
+
+A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett Hale with other
+guests at a dinner. The host was not only hospitable, but wished every
+one to know his liberality. During the meal, he extolled the various
+viands, and did not hesitate to give their value in dollars and cents.
+In speaking of some very beautiful grapes served, which had been grown
+on his estate, he wearied the company by a careful calculation as to
+just how much a stem of them had cost him. Doctor Hale grinned
+pleasantly as he extended his empty plate, with the request:
+
+"I'll thank you to cut me off about $1.87 worth more, please."
+
+
+MONOGAMY
+
+The wives of the savage chief questioned the wife of the missionary:
+
+"And you never let your husband beat you?"
+
+"Certainly not," the Christian lady replied. "Why, he wouldn't dare to
+try such a thing!"
+
+The oldest wife nodded understandingly.
+
+"It is plain enough why the foreign devil has only one wife."
+
+
+MONOTONY
+
+The son of the house addressed his mother wistfully.
+
+"I'm going to have a little sister some day, ain't I?"
+
+"Why, dear, do you want one?"
+
+The child nodded seriously.
+
+"Yes, mama, I do. It gets kin' o' tiresome teasin' the cat."
+
+
+MORALITY
+
+The more-or-less-religious woman was deeply shocked when the new
+neighbors sent over on Sunday morning to borrow her lawn-mower.
+
+"The very idea," she exclaimed to her maid, "of cutting grass on the
+Sabbath! Shameful! Certainly, they can't have it. Tell them we haven't
+any lawn-mower."
+
+
+MOSQUITOES
+
+The visitor from another state talked so much concerning the size and
+fierceness of New Jersey mosquitoes that his host became somewhat
+peeved.
+
+"Funny!" the guest remarked. "You haven't your porch screened."
+
+"No," the host snapped; "we're using mouse-traps."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A visitor in the South complained bitterly concerning the plague of
+mosquitoes. An aged negro who listened respectfully explained a method
+by which the pests might be endured. But this was in the days before
+prohibition.
+
+"My old Marse George, suh, he done managed them animiles sholy
+splendiferous. Always when he come home nights, he so completely
+intoxicated he don't care a cuss foh all the skeeters in the hull
+creation. In the mawnin, when Marse George done git up, the skeeters so
+completely intoxicated they don't care a cuss foh Marse George, ner
+nobody!"
+
+
+MOTTO
+
+Two men walking along Avenue A in New York City observed a dingy saloon,
+in the window of which was a framed sign, reading:
+
+"_Ici on parle francais_."
+
+"I don't believe anybody talks French in that dump," one of the
+observers remarked.
+
+To settle the matter, they entered, and ordered ginger ale of a
+red-headed barkeeper who was unmistakably Irish.
+
+One of the men addressed the barkeeper:
+
+"_Fait beau temps, monsieur_."
+
+The barkeeper scowled.
+
+"Come agin!" he demanded.
+
+It was soon demonstrated that French was a language unknown to the
+establishment.
+
+The visitor then inquired as to the reason for the sign in the window,
+explaining that it meant, "French is spoken here."
+
+The Irish barkeeper cursed heartily.
+
+"I bought it off a sheeny," he explained, "for six bits. He tould me it
+was Latin for, 'God Bless Our Home.'"
+
+
+MUSIC
+
+Artemas Ward said:
+
+"When I am sad, I sing, and then others are sad with me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The optimistic pessimist explained why he always dined in restaurants
+where music was provided.
+
+"Because it works two ways: sometimes the music helps to make me forget
+the food, and sometimes the food helps to make me forget the music."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young man, who was interested in natural history, was sitting on the
+porch one June evening with his best girl, who was interested in music.
+The rhythmic shrilling of the insects pulsed on the air, and from the
+village church down the street came the sounds of choir practise. The
+young man gave his attention to the former, the girl to the latter; and
+presently she spoke eagerly:
+
+"Oh, don't it sound grand!"
+
+The young man nodded, and answered:
+
+"Yes, indeed! and it's interesting to think that they do it all with
+their hind legs."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The boy violinist, played at a private musical, rendering a difficult
+concerto, which contained some particularly long rests for the soloist:
+During one of these intervals, a kindly dowager leaned toward the
+performer, and whispered loudly:
+
+"Why don't you play something that you know, my boy?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The apoplectic and grumpy old gentleman in the crowded restaurant was
+compelled to sit, much against his will, next to the orchestra. His
+stare at the leader as the jazz selection came to an end. The annoyed
+patron snorted, and then asked:
+
+"Would you be so kind as to play something by request?"
+
+The leader bowed again and beamed.
+
+"Certainly," he replied; "anything you like, sir."
+
+"Then," snapped the patron, "please be good enough to play a game of
+checkers while I finish my meal."
+
+
+NEATNESS
+
+The Japanese are remarkably tidy in the matter of floors. They even
+remove their shoes at the doorway. A Japanese student in New York was
+continually distressed by the dirty hallways of the building in which
+he lived. In the autumn, the janitor placed a notice at the entrance,
+which read:
+
+"Please wipe your feet."
+
+The Japanese wrote beneath in pencil:
+
+"On going out."
+
+
+NEIGHBORS
+
+It was a late hour when the hostess at the reception requested the
+eminent basso to sing.
+
+"It is too late, madam," he protested. "I should disturb your
+neighbors."
+
+"Not at all," declared the lady, beaming. "Besides, they poisoned our
+dog last week."
+
+
+NERVES
+
+The older sister rebuked the younger when putting her to bed for being
+cross and ill tempered throughout the day. After she had been neatly
+tucked in, the little one commented:
+
+"It's temper when it's me an' nerves when it's you."
+
+
+NIGHTMARE
+
+"And you say you have the same nightmare every night," the doctor
+inquired. "What is it?"
+
+The suffering man answered:
+
+"I dream that I'm married."
+
+"Ah, hum!" the physician grunted perfunctorily. "To whom?"
+
+"To my wife," the patient explained. "That's what makes it a
+nightmare."
+
+The inn-keeper was inclined to take advantage of a particular guest who
+did not scrutinize the bills rendered. When the clerk mentioned the fact
+that this guest had complained of a nightmare, the host brightened, and
+marked down an item of ten dollars charge for livery.
+
+
+NOMENCLATURE
+
+The young son of a mountaineer family in North Carolina had visited for
+the first time in the town twelve miles from home, and had eaten his
+mid-day meal there. Questioned on his return as to the repast, he
+described it with enthusiasm, except in one particular:
+
+"They done had something they called gravee. But hit looked like sop,
+an' hit tasted like sop, an' I believe in my soul 'twar sop!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+When his daughter returned from the girls' college, the farmer regarded
+her critically, and then demanded:
+
+"Ain't you a lot fatter than you was?"
+
+"Yes, dad," the girl admitted. "I weigh one hundred and forty pounds
+stripped for 'gym.'"
+
+The father stared for a moment in horrified amazement, then shouted:
+
+"Who in thunder is Jim?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+On an occasion when a distinguished critic was to deliver a lecture on
+the poet Keats in a small town, the president of the local literary
+society was prevented by illness from introducing the speaker, and the
+mayor, who was more popular than learned, was asked to officiate. The
+amiable gentleman introduced the stranger with his accustomed eloquence,
+and concluded a few happy remarks of a general character with this
+observation:
+
+"And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what I personally have
+often wondered--what are Keats!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+During the scarcity of labor, a new clerk, who knew nothing of the
+business, was taken on by a furniture house. His mistakes were so bad
+that the proprietor was compelled to watch him closely, and to fire him
+after the following episode.
+
+A lady customer asked to see some chiffoniers. The clerk led her to the
+display of bassinettes, which was an unfortunate error since the lady
+was an old maid. She accepted his apology, however, and then remarked:
+
+"Where are your sideboards?"
+
+The clerk blushed furiously, as he replied:
+
+"Why--er--I shaved them off last week."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The lady who had some culture, but not too much, was describing the
+adventure of her husband, who had been in Messina at the time of the
+earthquake.
+
+"It was awful," she declared, in tense tones. "When Jim went to bed,
+everything was perfectly quiet. And then, when he woke up, all of a
+sudden, there beside him was a yawning abbess!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+One of the two girls in the subway was glancing at a newspaper.
+
+"I see," she remarked presently to her companion, "that Mr. So and so,
+the octogenarian, is dead. Now, what on earth is an octogenarian
+anyhow?"
+
+"I'm sure I haven't the faintest idea," the other girl replied. "But
+they're an awful sickly lot. You never hear of one but he's dying."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A story is told of an office-seeker in Washington who asserted to an
+inquirer that he had never heard of Mark Twain.
+
+"What? Never heard of _Tom Sawyer_?"
+
+"Nope, never heard of him."
+
+"Nor _Huck Finn_?"
+
+"Nope, never heard of him neither."
+
+"Nor _Puddin'head Wilson_?"
+
+"Oh, Lord, yes!" the office-seeker exclaimed. "Why, I voted for him."
+
+And then he added sadly:
+
+"An' that's all the good it done me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The aged caretaker of the Episcopal church confided to a crony that he
+was uncertain as to just what he was:
+
+"I used to be the janitor, years ago. Then we had a parson who named me
+the sextant. And Doctor Smith, he called me a virgin. And our young man,
+he says I'm the sacrilege."
+
+
+OBSTINACY
+
+The old mountaineer and his wife arrived at a railway station, and for
+the first time in their lives beheld a train of cars, which was standing
+there. The husband looked the engine over very carefully, and shook his
+head.
+
+"Well, what do you think of it, father?" asked the old lady.
+
+"She'll never start," was the firm answer: "she'll never start."
+
+The conductor waved, the bell rang, the locomotive puffed, the train
+moved slowly at first, then faster. It was disappearing in the distance
+when the wife inquired slyly:
+
+"Well, pa, what do you think of it now?"
+
+The old man shook his head more violently than before.
+
+"She'll never stop," he asserted; "she'll never stop!"
+
+
+OMEN
+
+The great pugilist was superstitious and fond of lobster. When the
+waiter served one with a claw missing, he protested. The waiter
+explained that this lobster had been worsted in a fight with another in
+the kitchen. The great pugilist pushed back his plate.
+
+"Carry him off," he commanded, "and bring me the winner."
+
+
+OPTICAL ILLUSION
+
+The sergeant rebuked the private angrily:
+
+"Jenkins, why haven't you shaved this morning?"
+
+"Why, ain't I shaved?" the private exclaimed, apparently greatly
+surprised.
+
+"No, you ain't," the sergeant snapped. "And I want to know the reason
+why."
+
+"Well, now, I guess it must be this way," Jenkins suggested. "There was
+a dozen of us usin' the same bit of lookin' glass, an' I swan I must
+have shaved somebody else."
+
+
+OPTIMISM
+
+The day laborer was of a cheerful disposition that naturally inclined to
+seek out the good in every situation. He was a genuine optimist. Thus,
+after tramping the three miles from home to begin the day's work on the
+ditch, he discovered that he had been careless, and explained to a
+fellow laborer:
+
+"I've gone and done it now! I left my lunch at home."
+
+Then, suddenly he beamed happily, as he added:
+
+"And it's a good thing I did, for the matter of that, because I left my
+teeth at home, too."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The optimist fell from the top story of a skyscraper. As he passed the
+fourth story, he was overheard muttering:
+
+"So far, so good!"
+
+
+ORIENTATION
+
+John B. Gough was fond of telling of a laird and his servant Sandy. The
+two were on their way home on horseback late at night, and both were
+much muddled by drink. At a ford where the bank was steep, the laird
+fell head first into the creek. He scrambled up, and shouted to his
+servant:
+
+"Hold on, Sandy! Something fell off--I heard it splash!"
+
+Sandy climbed down from the saddle, and waded about blindly in the
+shallow water, with groping hands. At last, he seized on the laird.
+
+"Why, it's yerself, mon, as fell oof!"
+
+"No, Sandy," the master declared stoutly. "It can't be me--here I am."
+Then he, added: "But if it is me, get me back on the horse."
+
+Sandy helped the laird to the horse, and boosted him up astride. In the
+dark, the rider was faced the wrong way to.
+
+"Gie me the reins," the master ordered.
+
+Sandy felt about the horse's rump, and, then cried out, clutching the
+tail:
+
+"It waur the horse's head as fell off--nothin' left but the mane!"
+
+"Gie me the mane, then," the laird directed stolidly. "I must een hae
+something to hold on."
+
+So, presently, when he had the tail firmly grasped in both hands, and
+Sandy had mounted, the procession began to move. Whereat, the laird
+shouted in dismay:
+
+"Haud on, Sandy! It's gaein' the wrang way!"
+
+
+OUTWORN
+
+Tiny Clara heard her mother say that a neighboring lady had a new baby.
+The tot puzzled over the matter, and at last sought additional
+information:
+
+"Oh, mumsy, what is she going to do with her old one?"
+
+
+PARADOX
+
+The amiable old lady was overheard talking to herself as she left the
+church along with the crowd that had attended the services:
+
+"If everybody else would only do as I do, and stay quietly in their
+seats till everyone else has gone out, there would not be such a crush
+at the doors."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Two friends from Ireland on a tour occupied the same bedchamber in a
+country inn. During the night a fearful storm raged. John spoke of it in
+the morning while the two men were dressing.
+
+"Did it rain?" Dennis asked in surprise.
+
+"Rain!" John exclaimed. "It was a deluge, and the lightnin' was blindin'
+and the thunder was deafenin'. Sure, I never heard the like."
+
+"For the love of Hivvin!" Dennis cried out. "Why didn't yez waken me?
+Didn't yez know I never can slape whin it thunders!"
+
+
+PASTORAL
+
+Burdette quotes as follows a year's statistics of parochial work, as
+compiled by a young curate:
+
+"Preached 104 sermons, 18 mortuary discourses, solemnized 21 hymeneal
+ceremonies, delivered 17 lectures, of which 16 were on secular and all
+the rest on religious subjects; made 39 addresses, of which all but 27
+were on matters most nearly touching the vital religious concerns of the
+church, read aloud in church 156 chapters of the Bible, 149 of which
+were very long ones; made pastoral calls, 312; took tea on such
+occasions, 312 times; distributed 804 tracts; visited the sick several
+times; sat on the platform at temperance and other public meetings 47
+times; had the headache Sabbath mornings, and so was compelled to appear
+in a condition of physical pain, nervous prostration and bodily distress
+that utterly unfitted him for public preaching, 104 times; picnics
+attended, 10; dinners, 37; suffered from attacks of malignant dyspepsia,
+37 times; read 748 hymns; instructed the choir in regard to the
+selection of tunes, 1 time; had severe cold, 104 times; sore throat, 104
+times; malaria, 104 times; wrote 3120 pages of sermons; declined
+invitations to tea, 1 time; started the tune in prayer meeting, 2 times;
+started the wrong tune, 2 times; sung hymns that nobody else knew, 2
+times; received into church membership, 3; dismissed by letter, 49;
+expelled, 16; lost, strayed, or stolen, 137."
+
+
+PATRIOTISM
+
+The Scotchman returned to his native town, Peebles, after a first visit
+to London. He told the neighbors enthusiastically of his many wonderful
+experiences in the metropolis. There was, however, no weakening in his
+local loyalty, for at the end he cried out proudly:
+
+"But, for real pleasure, gi'e me Peebles!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+There is no doubting the strong patriotism of the schoolboy who is the
+hero of this tale, although he may have been weak on history. During an
+examination in general history, he was asked:
+
+"Who was the first man?"
+
+He answered proudly, even enthusiastically, without any hesitation:
+
+"George Washington, first in war, first in peace, first in the
+hearts----"
+
+But the teacher interrupted ruthlessly:
+
+"Wrong! Adam was the first man."
+
+The boy sniffed disgustedly.
+
+"Oh!" he retorted. "I didn't know you were talking about foreigners."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The troops had been marching through a sea of mud for hours, when at
+last they were lined up for inspection before a general. In the
+evolution, a young cavalryman who had enlisted was thrown from his horse
+into the muck, from which he emerged in a dreadful state, though
+uninjured except in his feelings. The general himself, who had witnessed
+the incident, rode up, and preserving his gravity with some effort
+inquired of the trooper if he had suffered any hurt from the fall.
+
+"Naw," was the disgusted reply. "But if I ever love a country agin, you
+can kick _me_!"
+
+
+PEACE
+
+The mourning widow caused a tender sentiment to be chiseled on the
+headstone of her husband's grave. The exact wording was as follows:
+
+"Thou are at rest, until we meet again."
+
+
+PEACEMAKER
+
+The father was telling at the table of a row between two men in which he
+had interfered. One had swung a shovel aloft, shouting, "I'll knock your
+brains out!"
+
+"It was at this moment," the head of the family explained, "that I
+stepped in between them."
+
+Little Johnnie had been listening, round-eyed with excitement. Now, he
+burst forth:
+
+"I guess he couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, pa?"
+
+
+PENSION
+
+The usual details in administration of the pension laws are not amusing,
+but occasionally even here a bit of humor creeps in to relieve the
+tedium. Thus, John Smith, claimant under Invalid Original No.
+98,325,423, based his application for succor upon an "injury to leg due
+to the kick of a vicious horse" in the service and line of duty, etc.
+
+This was formally insufficient, and the bureau advised to claimant to
+this effect, directing him to state: "which leg was injured by the
+alleged kick of a vicious horse."
+
+The reply came promptly:
+
+"My leg!"
+
+
+PESSIMISM
+
+The energetic New England woman addressed her hired girl in a
+discouraged tone:
+
+"Here it is Monday morning and to-morrow will be Tuesday, and the next
+day Wednesday--the whole week half gone, and nothing done yit!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The old man shook his head dolefully in response to an inquiry
+concerning his health.
+
+"It isn't what it ought to be," he declared. "I find my strength is
+failing. It used to be I could walk around the block every morning. But
+now lately, somehow, when I'm only half way round, I feel so tired I
+have to turn and come back."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The visitor remarked affably to the man of the house:
+
+"Your family is wonderfully talented. One son plays the cornet, two
+daughters play the piano and the guitar, and your wife plays the banjo,
+and the other children play ukuleles. As the father of such musical
+geniuses, you must be something yourself, aren't you?"
+
+"Yes," was the answer, "I am a pessimist."
+
+
+PHILANTHROPY
+
+"I hear that Mrs. Brewster hasn't paid her servants any wages for a
+number of months," remarked one lady to another in a suburban town.
+
+"Why does she keep such a number of them then?" was the pertinent
+inquiry.
+
+"Oh, Mrs. Brewster tells everyone she regards it as her solemn duty to
+employ as many as possible when times are so hard."
+
+
+PHONETICS
+
+Little Willie questioned his grandmother with an appearance of great
+seriousness:
+
+"Ain't Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?"
+
+"Don't say 'ain't', Willie," the old lady corrected. "Yes, Rotterdam is
+the name of a city. Why?"
+
+"It ain't swearin' to say it, is it Gramma?"
+
+"Don't say 'ain't', Willie. No, it isn't swearing to say Rotterdam.
+Why?"
+
+"Cause if sister keeps on eatin' so much candy, she'll Rotterdam head
+off."
+
+
+PHYSIOLOGY
+
+The teacher explained to her young pupils some facts concerning various
+organs of the body, including the eye as the organ of sight, the ear as
+the organ of hearing, and the like. Then she asked the pupils to repeat
+to her what they had learned. There was a short silence, which was
+broken by a bright little boy, who spoke as follows:
+
+"I see with my eye organ, I hear with my ear organ, I smell with my nose
+organ, I eat with my mouth organ, and I feel with my hand organ."
+
+
+PLAIN SPEAKING
+
+The new maid was talkative, and related some of her experiences in
+service.
+
+"You seem to have had a good many situations," was the lady's comment
+as the girl paused. "How many different mistresses have you had, all
+told?"
+
+"Fifteen, all told," the maid declared promptly; "yes mum, all told
+eggzactly what I thought of them."
+
+
+PLAYING POSSUM
+
+"No, suh," the ancient negro asserted, with a melancholy shaking of his
+bald head, "dar hain't no trustin' a 'possum. Once on a time, suh, I
+done watched de hole of a 'possum all night long. An' at las', suh, de
+'possum done come out of his hole. An' what yoh t'ink de ole scallywog
+done did? Well, suh, he done come out, an' when he done come out, he was
+a polecat!"
+
+
+PLUMBER
+
+The plumber at many dollars a day could afford a little persiflage with
+the cook in the kitchen where he was theoretically repairing the sink.
+The cook was plain-featured, but any diversion was welcome to speed the
+hours for which he drew pay. He made a strong impression on the cook,
+and when he took his departure, she simpered, and said coyly:
+
+"Thursday is my evenin' off, an' we might go to the movies."
+
+The plumber snorted indignantly.
+
+"What!" he demanded. "On me own time?"
+
+
+POETRY
+
+The evil effects of decadent verse is unintentionally told in the
+following extract from a Hindu's letter to the authorities requesting
+aid in behalf of his invalid father, who leads sickly life, and is going
+from bad to perhaps, but not too well; for an extract from the petition
+calls on the government "to look after my old faher, who leads sickly
+life, and is going from bad to verse every day."
+
+
+POINT OF VIEW
+
+A couple from Boston spent a winter in Augusta, Georgia. During the
+period of their visit, they became fond of an old colored woman, and
+even invited her to visit their home at their expense. In due time after
+their return to Boston, the visitor was entertained. Every courtesy was
+extended to the old colored woman, and she even had her meals with the
+host and hostess. One day at dinner, the host remarked, with a certain
+smug satisfaction in his own democratic hospitality:
+
+"I imagine that, during all the time you were a slave, your master never
+invited you to eat at his table."
+
+"No, suh, dat he didn't," replied the old darky. "My master was a
+genl'man. He never let no nigger set at table 'long side o' him."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The kindly old lady chanced to be present at the feeding of the lions in
+the zoo. Presently, she remarked to the keeper:
+
+"Isn't that a very small piece of meat to give to the lions?"
+
+The man answered very respectfully, but firmly:
+
+"It may seem like a very small piece of meat to you, mum, but it seems
+like a big piece of meat to the lions, mum."
+
+
+POKER
+
+Tommy Atkins and a doughboy sat in a poker game together somewhere in
+France. The Britisher held a full house, the American four of a kind.
+
+"I raise you two pounds," quoth Tommy.
+
+The Yankee did not hesitate.
+
+"I ain't exactly onto your currency curves, but I'll bump it up four
+tons."
+
+
+POLITENESS
+
+The little girl in the car was a pest. She crossed the aisle to devote
+herself to a dignified fat man, to his great annoyance. She asked
+innumerable questions, and, incidentally, counted aloud his vest buttons
+to learn whether he was rich man, poor man, beggar man or thief. The
+mother regarded the child's efforts as highly entertaining. The fat man
+leaned forward and addressed the lady very courteously:
+
+"Madam, what do you call this dear little child?"
+
+"Ethel," the beaming mother replied.
+
+"Please call her then," the fat man requested.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Johnny, who was to be the guest at a neighbor's for the noonday meal,
+was carefully admonished by his mother to remember his manners, and to
+speak in complimentary terms of the food served him. He heeded the
+instruction, and did the best he could under stress of embarrassment.
+
+After he had tasted the soup, he remarked as boldly as he could
+contrive:
+
+"This is pretty good soup--what there is of it."
+
+He was greatly disconcerted to observe that his remark caused a frown on
+the face of his hostess. He hastened to speak again in an effort to
+correct any bad impression from his previous speech:
+
+"And there's plenty of it--such as it is."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+On Johnnie's return from the birthday party, his mother expressed the
+hope that he had behaved politely at the luncheon table, and properly
+said, "Yes, if you please" and "No, thank you," when anything was
+offered him.
+
+Johnnie shook his head seriously.
+
+"I guess I didn't say, 'No, thank you.' I ate everything there was."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The teacher used as an illustration of bad grammar, for correction by
+the class, the following sentence:
+
+"The horse and cow is in the pasture."
+
+A manly little fellow raised his hand, and at the teacher's nod said:
+
+"Please, sir, ladies should come first."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The man sitting in the street car addressed the woman standing before
+him:
+
+"You must excuse my not giving you my seat--I'm a member of the Sit
+Still Club."
+
+"Certainly, sir," the woman replied. "And please excuse my staring--I
+belong to the Stand and Stare Club."
+
+She proved it so well that the man at last sheepishly got to his feet.
+
+"I guess, ma'am," he mumbled, "I'll resign from my club and join yours."
+
+
+POLITICS
+
+The little boy interrupted his father's reading of the paper with a
+petition.
+
+"Please, Daddy, tell me the story about the Forty Thieves."
+
+The father, aroused from his absorption in political news and comment on
+the campaign, regarded his son thoughtfully for a moment, and then shook
+his head.
+
+"No," he answered decisively, "you must wait until you're a little
+older, my son. You're too young to understand politics."
+
+
+POPULATION
+
+Someone asked a darky from Richmond who was visiting in the North as to
+the population of the city.
+
+"Ah don't edzakly know, suh," was the reply, "but I opine 'bout a
+hundred an' twenty-five thousan', countin' de whites."
+
+
+POSTAL
+
+It is human nature to take an interest in the affairs of others. The
+fact has been amply demonstrated by innumerable postmasters and
+postmistresses who have profited from their contact with the
+communities' correspondence. That the postman, too, is likely to be well
+informed is shown in a quotation by _Punch_ of a local letter-carrier's
+apology to a lady on his round:
+
+"I'm sorry, Ma'am, I seem to have lost your postcard; but it only said
+Muriel thanked you for the parcel and so did John, and they were both
+very well, and the children are happy, and she'll give your message to
+Margery. That'll be your other daughter, I'm thinkin'?"
+
+
+PRAISE
+
+One negro workman was overheard talking to another:
+
+"I'se yoh frien'. I jest tole the fohman, when he say dat nigger Sam
+ain't fit to feed to de dawgs, why, I done spoke right up, an' tole him
+yoh shohly is!"
+
+
+PRAYER
+
+The Dutchman still retained a strong accent, although he had been in the
+country forty years, and was a churchwarden. When the rector complained
+that a certain parishioner had called him a perfect ass, and asked
+advice, the reply, though well intentioned, sounded ambiguous:
+
+"All you should do vill pe youst to bray for him, as usual."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A Scotch missionary in the Far East suffered ill fortune in his
+marriages, for two wives in succession yielded to the trying climate and
+died. The missionary had depended on the Board at home to select his
+previous mates, and he wrote for a third. When due time had elapsed, he
+journeyed to the seaport to meet the steamer by which his new mate
+should arrive. At the appointed hour, as the boat drew in, he stood on
+the dock anxiously waiting. Among the few passengers to descend the
+gangplank, it was easy for him to select the one destined for him. At
+sight of her, he shuddered slightly, and a groan burst from his lips.
+
+"Freckles," he muttered despairingly, "and red headed, and with
+squint--for the third time!--and after all my prayers!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Charles had attained the age of five when he attended a football game
+for the first time. It cannot be doubted that he was profoundly
+impressed by the excitement on the gridiron, for at bedtime his mother
+was horrified to hear him utter his nightly prayer thus:
+
+"God bless papa! God bless mama! God bless Charlie! Rah! Rah! Rah!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+At the request of his wife, the husband opened a can of peaches. When he
+finally reappeared, the wife asked demurely:
+
+"What did you use to open that can, Jim?"
+
+"Can-opener, of course," the husband grunted. "What d'ye think I opened
+it with?"
+
+"From the language I heard, I thought perhaps you were opening it with
+prayer."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The newspaper report of the special Sunday services contained the
+following impressive description of the prayer:
+
+"The most eloquent prayer ever addressed to a Boston audience."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The New York Sun published the following:
+
+The toys had been reluctantly laid aside and in her dainty nightie the
+little girl, scarcely more than a baby, knelt at her mother's knee.
+
+The eyes, which all day long are alight with mischief, were reverently
+closed, and as she haltingly uttered the words of the old, yet ever
+young child's prayer her rapt face, raised occasionally from her dimpled
+hands, took on an expression almost seraphic in its innocent purity.
+
+With a fervent "Amen" she ended her supplication, then jumped up, eyes
+dancing, and exclaimed:
+
+"Now let's say 'Little Jack Horner sat in the corner.' I knows it
+better, Muvver."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A little boy was asked if he prayed when he attended church, and he
+answered that he always did. On being questioned as to the nature of his
+prayer, he explained that he always repeated it when the others in the
+congregation made their silent prayer just before the sermon, and he
+added further:
+
+"I just say the little prayer mother taught me--'Now I lay me down to
+sleep.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A prayer showing a ghastly confusion of metaphors is on record as having
+been offered extemporaneously in behalf of Queen Adelaide during the
+reign of that sovereign. The words as quoted were these:
+
+"O Lord, save thy servant, our Sovereign Lady, the Queen. Grant that as
+she grows an old woman, she may become a new man. Strengthen her with
+Thy blessing that she may live a pure virgin, bringing her sons and
+daughters to the glory of God. And give her grace that she may go before
+her people like a he-goat upon the mountains."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+As the boat was sinking, the skipper lifted his voice to ask:
+
+"Does anybody know how to pray?"
+
+One man spoke confidently in answer:
+
+"Yes, Captain, I do."
+
+The captain nodded.
+
+"That's all right then," he declared. "You go ahead and pray. The rest
+of us will put on life-belts. They're one short."
+
+
+PREACHER
+
+A colored deacon who was the leader in a congregation down South, wrote
+to the bishop to explain the need of a minister for the church. He
+concluded his appeal as follows:
+
+"Send us a Bishop to preach. If you can't send us a Bishop, send us a
+Sliding Elder. If you can't send a Sliding Elder, send us a Stationary
+Preacher. If you can't spare him, send us a Circus Eider. If you can't
+spare him, send us a Locust Preacher. And if you can't send a Locust
+Preacher, send us an Exhauster."
+
+
+PRECAUTION
+
+When the colored couple were being married by the clergyman, and the
+words, "love, honor and obey" were spoken, the bridegroom interrupted:
+
+"Read that again, suh! read it once moh, so's de lady kin ketch de full
+solemnity ob de meanin'. I'se been married befoh."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The lawyer for the defense, in the damage suit, asked the witness who
+had seen the plaintive struck by the automobile, how far the victim was
+thrown by the impact.
+
+"Fifteen feet, six and three-quarter inches," was the instant response.
+
+"You seem to be very exact in your figures," exclaimed the lawyer
+sarcastically. "How does that happen?"
+
+"I guessed some fool lawyer would ask me," the witness answered, "and I
+measured the distance."
+
+
+PRECOCITY
+
+The playwright rushed up to the critic at the club.
+
+"I've had a terrible misfortune," he announced. "My little
+three-year-old boy got at my new play, and tore it all to pieces."
+
+"Extraordinary that a child so young should be able to read," said the
+critic.
+
+
+PREMATURENESS
+
+Ikey saw his friend Jakey in the smoking-car when he entered, and sat
+down in the same seat.
+
+"How was that fire in your place last week, Jakey?" he inquired.
+
+Jakey started nervously.
+
+"Sh!" he whispered. "It vas next week."
+
+
+PREPAREDNESS
+
+The small boy was directed to soak his feet in salt water to toughen
+them. He considered the matter thoughtfully, and then remarked to
+himself:
+
+"It's pretty near time for me to ket a lickin', I guess I'd better sit
+in it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The two scrub women met and chattered to this effect:
+
+Mrs. Riley--Och, Missus O'Rafferty, I hear yez be worrukin' noight an'
+day.
+
+Mrs. O'Rafferty--Yis, Oi'm under bonds to kape the pace for pullin' the
+hair o' that blaggard Missus Murphy; an' the Judge tould me as if Oi
+touched her again he'd foine me tin dollars.
+
+Mrs. Riley--An' yez is worrukin' so hard so's to kape outen mischief.
+
+Mrs. O'Rafferty (hissing viciously between her teeth)--No! Oi'm savin'
+oop the foine.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The father entered the room where Clara, his daughter, was entertaining
+her young man.
+
+"What is it, popper?" the young lady inquired.
+
+Her father held out the umbrella which he carried.
+
+"This is for John," he explained. "It looks as if it might rain before
+morning."
+
+
+PRIDE
+
+The little boy was greatly elated when informed by his mother that the
+liveliness of her hair as she combed it was caused by electricity.
+
+"Oh, my!" he exclaimed. "Ain't we a wonderful family! Mama has
+electricity on her head, and grandma has gas on her stomach."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Pride often has no better basis in fact than the self-congratulation of
+little Raymond in the following story:
+
+Raymond came home from a session of the Sunday School fairly swollen
+with importance. He explained the cause to his mother.
+
+"The superintendent said something awful nice about me this morning in
+his prayer."
+
+"And what did he say, dear?" the mother inquired, concealing her
+astonishment.
+
+The boy quoted glibly and sincerely.
+
+"He said, 'O Lord, we thank thee for our food and Raymond.'"
+
+
+PRECOCIOUSNESS
+
+A stranger rang the door-bell. Little eight-year-old Willie Jones opened
+the door.
+
+"Is Mr. Jones in?" the caller inquired.
+
+Little Willie answered with formal politeness:
+
+"I'm Mr. Jones. Or did you wish to see old Mr. Jones?"
+
+
+PRISON REFORM
+
+The society matron explained the necessity for immediate reform in
+conditions at the State Penitentiary:
+
+"Nowadays, there are such a number of our very best people who are being
+indicted and tried and convicted and sent to serve their sentences in
+the prison that we really must make their surroundings there more
+pleasant and elegant."
+
+
+PRIVILEGE
+
+The tenderfoot in the mining town was watching a poker game for heavy
+stakes, when he saw the dealer give himself four aces from the bottom of
+the deck. He whispered the fact in shocked surprise to a citizen beside
+him. The latter looked astonished.
+
+"What of it?" he drawled. "Wasn't it his deal?"
+
+
+PROCRASTINATION
+
+The Southern darky is usually willing enough, but painfully dilatory in
+accomplishment. The foreman of a quarry called to Zeb, the general
+utility man, and directed him to go across the road to the blacksmith
+shop and bring back a drill which had been left there for sharpening.
+Zeb shuffled out of sight, and after a lapse of half an hour, shuffled
+back lazily into view. The indignant foreman called to him sharply:
+
+"Here, you Zeb! Where've you been all this time?"
+
+The darky grinned placatingly.
+
+"Why, boss," he explained, "I hain't been--I'se gwine!"
+
+
+PROFANITY
+
+The longshoreman was indulging in a fit of temper, which he interpreted
+in a burst of language that shocked the lady passing by. She regarded
+him reprovingly, as she demanded:
+
+"My man, where did you learn such awful language?"
+
+"Where did I learn it?" the longshoreman repeated. "Huh! I didn't learn
+it, it's a gift."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The deacon carried a chain to the blacksmith to have a link welded. When
+he returned to the shop a few hours later, he saw the chain lying on the
+floor, and picked it up. It was just next to red hot, and the deacon
+dropped it with the ejaculation:
+
+"Hell!" Then he added hastily: "I like to have said."
+
+
+PROFITEERS
+
+The wife of the profiteer discoursed largely on the luxuries of the new
+country estate.
+
+"And, of course," she vouchsafed, "we have all the usual
+animals--horses, cows, sheep, pigs, hens, and so forth."
+
+"Oh, hens!" the listener gushed. "Then you'll have fresh eggs."
+
+"Really, I'm not sure. The hens can work, if they like, but of course in
+our position, it's quite unnecessary--er, perhaps not quite suitable,
+you know."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The advertisement offered for fifty cents a recipe by which to whiten
+the hands and soften them. Girls who sent the money received the
+following directions:
+
+"Soak the hands three times a day in dish water while mother rests."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Are you sure this handbag is genuine crocodile skin?" the woman asked
+the shopkeeper.
+
+"Absolutely," was the reply. "I shot that crocodile myself."
+
+"But it is badly soiled."
+
+"Well, yes, of course. That's where it hit the ground, when it fell out
+of the tree."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Customer: "But if it costs twenty dollars to make these watches, and you
+sell them for twenty dollars, where does your profit come in?"
+
+Shopkeeper: "That comes from repairing them."
+
+
+PROGRESS
+
+The cottager was crippled by rheumatism, and the kindly clergyman taught
+him his letters, and put him through the primer and into the Bible. On
+his return after a vacation, the clergyman met the cottager's wife.
+
+"How does John get along with his reading of the Bible?" he asked.
+
+"Oh, bless your reverence," she replied proudly, "'e's out of the Bible
+and into the newspaper long ago."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The kindly clergyman, newly come to the parish, was at great pains to
+teach an illiterate old man, crippled with rheumatism, his letters so
+that he could read the Bible. On the clergyman's return after a short
+absence from the parish, he met the old man's wife.
+
+"And how is Thomas making out with reading his Bible?"
+
+"Bless you, sir," the wife declared proudly, "he's out of the Bible and
+into the newspaper long ago."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The physician advised his patient to eat a hearty dinner at night,
+without any worry over the ability to digest it. The patient, however,
+protested:
+
+"But the other time when I came to see you, you insisted I must eat only
+a very light supper in the evening."
+
+The physician nodded, smiling complacently.
+
+"Yes, of course--that shows what great progress the science of medicine
+is making."
+
+
+PROHIBITION
+
+The objector to prohibition spoke bitterly:
+
+"Water has killed more folks than liquor ever did."
+
+"You are raving," declared the defender of the Eighteenth Amendment.
+"How do you make that out?"
+
+"Well, to begin with, there was the Flood."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The wife complained to her husband that the chauffeur was very drunk
+indeed, and must be discharged instantly.
+
+"Discharged--nothing!" the husband retorted joyously. "When he's sobered
+off, I'll have him take me out and show me where he got it."
+
+
+PROLIFIC
+
+The woman teacher in a New York School was interested in the
+announcement by a little girl pupil that she had a new baby brother.
+
+"And what is the baby's name?" the teacher asked.
+
+"Aaron," was the answer.
+
+A few days later, the teacher inquired concerning Aaron, but the little
+girl regarded her in perplexity.
+
+"Aaron?" she repeated.
+
+"Your baby brother," the teacher prompted.
+
+Understanding dawned on the child's face.
+
+"Oh, Aaron!" she exclaimed. "That was a mistake. It's Moses. He's very
+well, ma'am, thank you. Pa an' ma, they found we had an Aaron."
+
+
+PRONUNCIATION
+
+The parson's daughter spoke pleasantly, but with a hint of rebuke, to
+one of her father's humble parishioners:
+
+"Good morning, Giles. I haven't noticed you in church for the last few
+weeks."
+
+"No, miss," the man answered. "I've been oop at Noocaste a-visitin' my
+old 'aunts. And strange, miss, ain't it, I don't see no change in 'em
+since I was a child like?"
+
+The parson's daughter was duly impressed.
+
+"What wonderful old ladies they must be!"
+
+But the man shook his head, and explained with remarkable clearness:
+
+"I didn't say 'arnts', miss. I said 'awnts'--'aunts where I used to
+wander in my childhood days like."
+
+
+PROOF
+
+_Shopper:_--"Are these eggs fresh?"
+
+_Apprentice:_--"Yes, ma'am, they be."
+
+_Shopper:_--"How long since they were laid?"
+
+_Apprentice:_--"'Tain't ten minutes, ma'am--I know, I laid them eggs
+there myself."
+
+
+PROPERTY
+
+The indignant householder held up before the policeman the dead cat that
+had been lying by the curb three days.
+
+"What am I to do with this?" he demanded.
+
+"Take it to headquarters," was the serene reply. "If nobody claims it
+within a reasonable time, it's your property."
+
+
+PROVIDENCE
+
+The _babu_ explained with great politeness the complete failure of a
+young American member of the shooting party in India to bag any game:
+
+"The sahib shot divinely but it is true that Providence was all merciful
+to the birds."
+
+
+PRUDENCE
+
+Sandy MacTavish was a guest at a christening party in the home of a
+fellow Scot whose hospitality was limited only by the capacity of the
+company. The evening was hardly half spent when Sandy got to his feet,
+and made the round of his fellow guests, bidding each of them a very
+affectionate farewell. The host came bustling up, much concerned.
+
+"But, Sandy, mon," he protested, "Ye're nae goin' yet, with the evenin'
+just started?"
+
+"Nay," declared the prudent MacTavish, "I'm no' goin' yet. But I'm
+tellin' ye good-night while I know ye all."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young man, who was notorious for the reckless driving of his car,
+was at his home in the country, when he received a telephone call, and a
+woman's voice asked if he intended to go motoring that afternoon.
+
+"No, not this afternoon," he replied. "But why do you ask? Who are you?"
+
+"That doesn't matter," came the voice over the wire. "It's only that I
+wish to send my little girl down the street on an errand."
+
+
+PUNISHMENT
+
+The school teacher, after writing to the mother of a refractory pupil,
+received this note in reply:
+
+"Dear miss, you writ me about whippin my boy i hereby give you
+permission to lick him eny time it is necessary to lern him lessuns hes
+jist like his paw you have to lern him with a club please pound nolej
+into him i want him to git it don't pay no attenshun to his paw either
+i'll handle him."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The little boy dashed wildly around the corner, and collided with the
+benevolent old gentleman, who inquired the cause of such haste.
+
+"I gotta git home fer maw to spank me," the boy panted.
+
+"Bless my soul!" exclaimed the old gentleman, "I can't understand your
+being in such a hurry to be spanked."
+
+"I ain't. But if I don't git there 'fore paw, he'll gimme the lickin'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The little lad sat on the curb howling lustily. A passer-by halted to
+ask what was the matter. The boy explained between howls that his father
+had given him a licking. The sympathizer attempted consolation:
+
+"But you must be a little man, and not cry about it. All fathers have to
+punish their children sometimes."
+
+The lad ceased howling long enough to snort contemptuously, and to
+explain:
+
+"Huh! my paw ain't like other boys' paws. He plays the bass drum in the
+band!"
+
+
+PUNS
+
+"What is your name?" demanded the judge of the prisoner in the Municipal
+Court.
+
+"Locke Smith," was the answer, and the man made a bolt for the door.
+
+He was seized by an officer and hauled back.
+
+"Ten dollars or ten days," said the magistrate.
+
+"I'll take the ten dollars," announced the prisoner.
+
+Finally, he paid the fine, but he added explicit information as to his
+opinion of the judge. Then he leaped for the door again, only to be
+caught and brought back a second time.
+
+The judge, after fining the prisoner another ten dollars, admonished him
+severely, in these words:
+
+"If your language had been more chaste and refined, you would not have
+been chased and refined."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A member of the Lambs' Club had a reputation for lack of hospitality in
+the matter of buying drinks for others. On one occasion, two actors
+entered the bar, and found this fellow alone at the rail. They invited
+him to drink, and, as he accepted, he announced proudly:
+
+"I'm writing my autobiography."
+
+"With the accent on the 'bi'?" One of the newcomers suggested
+sarcastically.
+
+"No," his friend corrected, "with the accent on the 'auto'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The stallion that had been driven in from the plains was a magnificent
+creature, but so fierce that no man dared approach closely. Then the
+amiable lunatic appeared on the scene. He took a halter, and went
+toward the dangerous beast. And as he went, he muttered softly:
+
+"So, bossy; so bossy; so bossy."
+
+The stallion stood quietly and allowed the halter to be slipped over his
+head without offering any resistance.
+
+The horse was cowed.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+When Mr. Choate was ambassador to the Court of St. James, he was present
+at a function where his plain evening dress contrasted sharply with the
+uniforms of the other men. At a late hour, an Austrian diplomat approach
+him, as he stood near the door, obviously taking him for a servant, and
+said:
+
+"Call me a cab."
+
+Choate answered affably:
+
+"You're a cab, sir."
+
+The diplomat indignantly went to the host and explained that a servant
+had insulted him. He pointed to Choate. Explanations ensued, and the
+diplomat was introduced to the American, to whom he apologized.
+
+"That's all right," declared Choate, smiling. "If you had been
+better-looking, I'd have called you a hansom cab."
+
+
+PUZZLE
+
+The humorist offered his latest invention in the way of a puzzle to the
+assembly of guests in the drawing-room:
+
+"Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see; legs and cannot
+walk, but can jump as high as the Woolworth Building?"
+
+Everybody racked his brains during a period of deep silence, and racked
+in vain. Finally, they gave it up and demanded the solution. The
+inventor of the puzzle beamed.
+
+"The answer," he said, "is a wooden horse. It has eyes and cannot see,
+and legs and cannot walk."
+
+"Yes," the company agreed. "But how does it jump as high as the
+Woolworth Building?"
+
+"The Woolworth Building," the humorist explained, "can't jump."
+
+
+QUARRELSOME
+
+The applicant for the position of cook explained to the lady why she had
+left her last place:
+
+"To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master and
+the mistress was always quarreling."
+
+"That must have been unpleasant," the lady agreed.
+
+"Yis, mum," the cook declared, "they was at it all the time. When it
+wasn't me an' him, it was me an' her."
+
+
+QUESTIONS
+
+It was a rule of the club that anyone asking a question which he himself
+could not answer must pay a fine. One of the members presented a
+question as to why a ground-squirrel in digging left no dirt around the
+entrance to its hole. He was finally called on for the answer, and
+explained that of course the squirrel began at the bottom and dug
+upward.
+
+"Excellent!" a listener laughed. "But how does the squirrel manage to
+reach the bottom?"
+
+"That," said the other with a grin, "is your question."
+
+
+RAILROAD
+
+A railroad was opened through a remote region, and on the first run over
+the line, the engineer overtook a country boy riding his horse along the
+road bed. The engineer whistled, and the boy whipped. The train was
+forced to a crawl with the cowcatcher fairly nipping at the horse's
+heels. Finally, the engineer leaned from the cab window and shouted:
+
+"You dum fool, why dont ye git offen the track?"
+
+The fleeting boy screamed an answer:
+
+"No, sirree! Ye'd ketch me in a jiffy on thet-thar ploughed ground."
+
+
+RECOGNITION
+
+The office telephone was out of order. An employee of the company was
+sent to make repairs. After a period of labor, he suggested to the
+gentleman occupying the office the calling up of some one over the wire
+in order to test the working of the instrument. The gentleman obligingly
+called for the number of his own home in the suburbs. When the
+connection was made, he called into the transmitter:
+
+"Maria!" and after a pause, "Maria!" and again "Maria!" There followed a
+few seconds of waiting, and he repeated his call in a peremptory tone,
+"Maria!"
+
+The electric storm that had been gathering broke at this moment. A bolt
+of lightning hit the telephone wires. The gentleman was hurled violently
+under his desk. Presently, he crawled forth in a dazed condition, and
+regarded the repair man plaintively.
+
+"That's her!" he declared. "The telephone works fine."
+
+
+REFORM
+
+Abe Jones was a colored man who made a living by chicken-stealing. He
+was converted at a camp meeting. When the elder was receiving
+testimonies from the mourners' bench, he at last called on Abe:
+
+"Brother," he exhorted, "won't you tell the congregation now what the
+Lord has done for you?"
+
+Abe got to his feet awkwardly, and mumbled his response in a tone tinged
+with bitterness:
+
+"It looks as though the Lawd done ruint me."
+
+
+RELIABILITY
+
+The Southern lady saw old 'Rastus setting out with his fishing tackle
+for a day on the river, and she deemed it a fitting time to rebuke him
+for his notorious idleness, since she and everybody else knew that the
+entire family was supported by the industry of 'Rastus' old wife as a
+washerwoman.
+
+"'Rastus," she said severely, "do you think it's right to leave your
+wife hard at work over the washtub while you pass your time fishing?"
+
+"Yassum, ma'am," replied the old darky earnestly. "It's all right. Mah
+wife don' need any watchin'. She'll wuk jes' as hard as if I was dah."
+
+
+REPENTANCE
+
+"When the Devil was sick, the Devil a monk would be: When the Devil was
+well, the devil a monk was he."
+
+
+REPETITION
+
+The little girl had been naughty in school. By way of punishment, she
+was directed by the teacher to remain in her seat after the session
+until she had written an original composition containing not less than
+fifty words. In a surprisingly short space of time, she offered the
+following, and was duly excused:
+
+"I lost my kitty, and I went out and called, Come, kitty, kitty, kitty,
+kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,
+kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,
+kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,
+kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."
+
+
+RESIGNATION
+
+The physician, afer an examination, addressed the wife of the sick man
+in a tone of grave finality:
+
+"I am afraid your husband is beyond help. I can hold out no hope of his
+recovery."
+
+This candor was offensive to the patient, who protested with what
+violence was permitted by a very scanty breath:
+
+"Here, hold on! What are you gittin' at? I ain't a-goin' to snuff out!"
+
+The wife interposed in a soothing voice:
+
+"You leave it to the doctor, dearie--he knows best."
+
+
+REVOLUTION
+
+At a reception given by the Daughters of the Revolution in New York City
+appeared a woman from one of the Latin-American States. She wore a
+large number of decorations and insignia. It was explained that she was
+a Daughter of all two hundred and thirty-eight revolutions in her own
+country.
+
+
+REWARD OF MERIT
+
+A very tidy young man was distressed by his wife's carelessness in
+attire at home. He was especially annoyed by a torn skirt, which his
+wife was forever pinning and never mending. Being a tidy man, he had
+acquired some skill with a needle in his bachelor days. With the
+intention of administering a rebuke to his wife, he set to work on the
+skirt during her absence and sewed it up neatly. When, on her return
+home, he showed her what he had done, she was touched and kissed him
+tenderly. Soon she left the room, to return with an armful of garments.
+
+"Here are some more for you, darling," she announced happily. "Don't
+hurry. Just do them whenever you have time."
+
+
+REWARD OF VIRTUE
+
+The little boy put a serious question to his mother:
+
+"Please, mama, tell me: If I'm a good boy, and I die, and go to heaven,
+will God give me a nice ickle devil to play with?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The teacher directed the class to compose fiction narrative. The most
+interesting story submitted ran as follows:
+
+"A poor young man fell in love with the daughter of a rich lady who kept
+a candy store. The poor young man could not marry the rich candy lady's
+daughter because he had not money enough to buy any furniture.
+
+"A wicked man offered to give the young man twenty-five dollars if he
+would become a drunkard. The young man wanted the money very much, so he
+could marry the rich candy lady's daughter, but when he got to the
+saloon he turned to the wicked man and said, 'I will not become a
+drunkard even for twenty-five dollars. Get from behind me, Satan.'
+
+"On his way home he found a pocketbook containing a million dollars in
+gold. Then the young lady consented to marry him. They had a beautiful
+wedding, and the next day they had twins. Thus you see that Virtue has
+its own reward."
+
+
+RULING PASSION
+
+Noah Webster, the maker of the dictionary, carried his exact knowledge
+as to the meaning of words into ordinary speech. A story told of
+him--which is, of course, untrue--illustrates the point.
+
+Noah's wife entered the kitchen, to find him kissing the cook.
+
+"Why, Noah," she exclaimed, "I am surprised!"
+
+The lexicographer regarded his wife disapprovingly, and rebuked her:
+
+"_You_ are astonished--_I_ am surprised."
+
+
+SAFETY FIRST
+
+"Come over here!" called a friend to an intoxicated citizen whom he saw
+across the street.
+
+The man addressed blinked and shook his head.
+
+"Come over there?" he called back. "Why, it's all I can do to stay where
+I am."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Amos Perkins was hired in the spring to shoot muskrats, which were
+overrunning the mill dam. An acquaintance paused to chat one day with
+Amos, who was sitting at ease on the bank of the stream, his gun safely
+out of reach.
+
+"I hear the muskrats are undermining the dam," the acquaintance said.
+
+"So they be, so they be!" Amos agreed.
+
+"Hi! there goes one!" cried the visitor, pointing. "Shoot! Why don't you
+shoot, man?"
+
+Amos spat tobacco juice emphatically, and answered: "Huh! think I want
+to lose my job?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The disgruntled fisherman at the club lifted his voice and complained
+loudly. He protested against the base trickery of his two companions on
+the trip.
+
+"It was agreed," he explained, "before we started, that the one who
+caught the first fish must stand treat to a supper. Now, you'd hardly
+believe it, but it's a fact that when we got to fishing, both those
+fellows deliberately refused to pull in their lines when they had bites,
+just so I'd be stuck."
+
+"That was a mean trick," one of the auditors asserted sympathetically.
+"How much did the supper cost you?"
+
+The grouchy fisherman relaxed slightly.
+
+"Oh," he explained, "it wasn't as bad as that. You see, I didn't have
+any bait on my hook."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A G. A. R. veteran told to some members of the American Legion the story
+of a private in the Civil War, who during the first battle of Bull Run
+found a post hole into which he lowered himself, so that only his eyes
+were above the level of the ground. An officer, noting this display of
+cowardice, darted to the spot, and with a threatening gesture of his
+sword, shouted fiercely, "get out of that hole!"
+
+But the skulker did not come out. On the contrary, he put his thumb to
+his nose and waggled his fingers insultingly.
+
+"Not on your life," he retorted. "Hunt a hole for yourself. This belongs
+to me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The woman hesitated over buying the silver service.
+
+"Of course," she said, "I take your word for it that it's solid silver,
+but somehow it doesn't look it."
+
+"A great advantage, ma'am," the shopkeeper declared suavely. "That
+service can be left right out in plain sight, and no burglar will look
+at it twice."
+
+
+SANITY
+
+It is a matter of uncommon knowledge that personal perfection is a most
+trying thing to live with. In the United States recently, a woman sued
+for divorce, alleging in the complaint against her husband that he had
+no faults. It was probably a subtle subconscious realization of the
+unpleasantness, even the unendurableness, of perfection in the domestic
+companionship that caused the obvious misprint in the following extract
+from a Scotch editorial concerning the new divorce legislation:
+
+"But the Bill creates new grounds for the dissolution of the marriage
+bond, which are unknown to the law of Scotland. Cruelty, incurable
+sanity, or habitual drunkenness are proposed as separate grounds of
+divorce."
+
+
+SARCASM
+
+The noted story-teller at a dinner party related an anecdote, and was at
+first gratified by the hearty laughter of an old lady among the guests,
+and later a little suspicious, as her mirth continued. As he stared at
+her, puzzled, she spoke in explanation:
+
+"Oh, that story is such a favorite of mine: the first time I heard it I
+laughed so hard that I kicked the foot-board off my crib."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The ponderous judge interrupted the eloquent lawyer harshly:
+
+"All you say goes in at one ear and out at the other."
+
+"What is to prevent it?" was the retort.
+
+
+SAVING
+
+A servant, who indulged in sprees during which he spent all his money,
+was advised by his master to save against a rainy day. A week later,
+the master inquired if any saving had been accomplished.
+
+"Oh, yes, indeed, sir," the servant responded. "But, you see, sir, it
+rained yesterday, and it all went."
+
+
+SCHEDULE
+
+Cooks' tourists travel exactly according to schedule. The following
+conversation was overheard in Rome between a mother and daughter:
+
+"Is this Rome, ma?"
+
+"What day of the week is it, Matilda?"
+
+"Tuesday. What of it?"
+
+"If it's Tuesday, it must be Rome."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The man about to take a train was worried by the station clocks. There
+was twenty minutes difference between the one in the office and the one
+in the waiting-room. Finally, he questioned a porter. That worthy made a
+careful survey of the two clocks, and shook his head doubtfully. Then,
+he brightened suddenly, and said:
+
+"It don't make a single mite of difference about the clocks. The train
+goes at four-ten, no matter what."
+
+
+SEASICKNESS
+
+On the first morning of the voyage, the vessel ran into a nasty choppy
+sea, which steadily grew worse. There were twenty-five passengers at the
+captain's table for dinner, and he addressed them in an amiable
+welcoming speech:
+
+"I hope that all twenty-five of you will have a pleasant trip." The soup
+appeared, and he continued: "I sincerely hope that this little assembly
+of twenty-four will thoroughly enjoy the voyage. I look upon these
+twenty-two smiling faces as a father upon his family, for I am
+responsible for the safety of this group of seventeen. And now I ask
+that all fourteen of you join me in drinking to a merry trip. Indeed, I
+believe that we eight are most congenial, and I applaud the good fortune
+that brought these three persons to my table. You and I, my dear sir,
+are---- Here, steward, clear away all those dishes, and bring me the
+fish."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The pair on their honeymoon were crossing the Channel, and the movement
+of the waves seemed to be going on right inside the bride. In a fleeting
+moment of internal calm she murmured pathetically to the bridegroom in
+whose arms she was clasped:
+
+"Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy, do you love me?"
+
+"My darling!" he affirmed. "You know I love you with all my heart and
+soul--I worship you, I adore you, my precious oontsy-woontsy!"
+
+The boat reeled, and a sickening pang thrilled through all the
+foundations of the bride's being.
+
+"O dear, O dear!" she gasped. "I hoped that might help a little, but it
+didn't--not a bit!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The seasick voyager on the ocean bowed humbly over the rail and made
+libation to Neptune. The kindly old gentleman who stood near remarked
+sympathetically:
+
+"You have a weak stomach."
+
+The victim paused in his distressing occupation to snort indignantly:
+
+"Weak? Humph! I guess I can throw as far as anybody on this ship."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The wife of the seasick passenger was about to leave the stateroom for
+dinner. She inquired of her husband solicitously:
+
+"George, shall I have the steward bring some dinner to you here?"
+
+"No," was the reply, haltingly given between groans.
+
+"But I wish, my dear, you would ask him to take it on deck and throw it
+over the rail for me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The moralizing gentleman at the club remarked ponderously:
+
+"If there is anything in a man, travel will bring it out."
+
+One who had just landed from a rough crossing agreed bitterly:
+
+"Especially ocean travel."
+
+
+SECTARIAN
+
+Once upon a time a coach was held up by a road-agent. The driver
+explained to the robber that his only passenger was a man, who was
+asleep inside. The highwayman insisted that the traveler be awakened. "I
+want to go through his pockets!" he declared fiercely, with an oath.
+
+The bishop, when aroused, made gentle protests.
+
+"You surely would not rob a poor bishop!" he exclaimed. "I have no money
+worth your attention, and I am engaged on my duties as a bishop."
+
+The robber hesitated.
+
+"A bishop, eh?" he said thoughtfully. "Of what church?"
+
+"The Episcopal."
+
+"The hell you are! That's the church I belong to! So long!... Driver,
+larrup them mules!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A Scotch Presbyterian clergyman tells the story of a parishioner who
+formed a secession with a few others unable to accept the doctrines of
+the church. But when the clergyman asked this man if he and the others
+worshiped together, the answer was:
+
+"No. The fact is, I found that they accepted certain points to which I
+could not agree, so I withdrew from communion with them."
+
+"So, then," the clergyman continued, "I suppose you and your wife carry
+on your devotions together at home."
+
+"No, not exactly," the man admitted. "I found that our views on certain
+doctrines are not in harmony. So, there has been a division between us.
+Now, she worships in the northeast corner of the room and I in the
+southwest."
+
+
+SELF-BETRAYAL
+
+The old lady was very aristocratic, but somewhat prim and precise.
+Nevertheless, when the company had been telling of college pranks, she
+relaxed slightly, and told of a lark that had caused excitement in
+Cambridge when she was a girl there. This was to the effect that two
+maidens of social standing were smuggled into the second-story room of a
+Harvard student for a gay supper. The affair was wholly innocent, but
+secrecy was imperative, to avoid scandal. The meal was hardly begun when
+a thunderous knock of authority came on the door. The young men acted
+swiftly in the emergency. Silently, one of the girls was lowered to the
+ground from the window by a rope knotted under her arms. The second girl
+was then lowered, but the rope broke when the descent was hardly half
+completed.
+
+The old lady had related the incident with increasing animation, and at
+this critical point in the narrative she burst forth:
+
+"And I declare, when that rope broke, I just knew I was going to be
+killed, sure!"
+
+
+SERMON
+
+The aged colored clergyman, who made up in enthusiasm what he lacked in
+education, preached a sermon on the verse of the Psalm, "Awake, Psaltery
+and Harp! I myself will awake right early." The explanation of the
+words, which preceded the exhortation, was as follows:
+
+"Awake, Peasel Tree an' Ha'ap, I myself will awake airly. Dis yere Sam
+was wrote by de prophet Moses. Moses was mighty fond o' playin' on de
+ha'ap all de day long, an' at night when he went to bed he'd hang up de
+ha'ap on de limb ob a Peasel tree what grew on de outside o' de window,
+an' in de mawnin', when de sun would get up an' shine in his face, he'd
+jump out o' bed, an' exclaim, 'Wake, Peasel Tree an' Ha'ap! I myself
+will awake airly!'"
+
+
+SCAPEGOAT
+
+Cousin Willie, aged ten, came for a visit to Johnnie, aged twelve.
+Johnnie's mother directed him to take the visitor out to play with his
+boy friends in the neighborhood.
+
+"And be sure to have lots of fun," she added.
+
+On the return of the boys, Willie, the guest, appeared somewhat
+downcast, but Johnnie was radiant.
+
+"Did you have a good time?" his mother asked.
+
+"Bully!" Johnnie answered.
+
+"And lots of fun?"
+
+"Oh, yes!"
+
+"But Willie doesn't look very happy," Johnnie's mother said doubtfully.
+
+"Well, you see," Johnnie answered, beaming, "the rest of us, we had our
+fun with Willie."
+
+
+SHEEP AND GOATS
+
+The little girl was deeply impressed by the clergyman's sermon as to the
+separation of the sheep and the goats. That night after she had gone to
+bed, she was heard sobbing, and the mother went to her, to ask what was
+the matter.
+
+"It's about the goats!" Jenny confessed at last. "I'm so afraid I am a
+goat, and so I'll never go to heaven. Oh, I'm so afraid I'm a goat!"
+
+"My dear," the mother assured her weeping child. "You're a sweet little
+lamb. If you were to die to-night, you would go straight to heaven." Her
+words were successful in quieting the little girl, and she slept.
+
+But the following night Jenny was found crying again in her bed, and
+when her mother appeared she wailed:
+
+"I'm afraid about the goats."
+
+"But mother has told you that you are a little lamb, and that you must
+never worry over being a goat."
+
+Jenny, however, was by no means comforted, and continued her sobs.
+
+"Yes, mamma," she declared sadly, "I know that. But I'm afraid--awful
+afraid you're a goat!"
+
+
+SHIFTLESSNESS
+
+The shiftless man, who preferred reading to labor, closed the book on
+French history, which he had been perusing with great interest, and
+addressed his wife.
+
+"Do you know, Mary," he asked impressively, "what I would have done if I
+had been in Napoleon's place?"
+
+"Certainly!" the wife snapped. "You'd have settled right down on a farm
+in Corsica, and let it run itself."
+
+
+SHIPWRECK
+
+The new member of the club listened with solemn interest to the various
+stories that were told in the smoking room. They were good stories, and
+obviously lies, and each of them was a bigger lie than any that had gone
+before. Finally, the company insisted that the new member should relate
+a tale. He refused at first, but under pressure yielded, and gave a
+vivid account of a shipwreck at sea during one of his voyages. He
+described the stress of the terrible situation with such power that his
+hearers were deeply impressed. He reached the point in his account where
+only the captain and himself and half a dozen others were left aboard
+the doomed vessel, after the last of the boats had been lowered.
+
+"And then," he concluded, "a vast wave came hurtling down on us. It was
+so huge that it shut out all the sky. It crashed over the already
+sinking ship in a torrent of irresistible force. Under that dreadful
+blow the laboring vessel sank, and all those left on board of her were
+drowned."
+
+The narrator paused and there was a period of tense silence. But
+presently someone asked:
+
+"And you--what became of you?"
+
+"Oh, I," was the reply, "why I was drowned with the rest of them."
+
+
+SLANDER
+
+The business man's wife, who had called at his office, regarded the
+pretty young stenographer with a baleful eye.
+
+"You told me that your typewriter was an old maid," she accused.
+
+The husband, at a loss, faltered in his reply, but at last contrived:
+
+"Yes, but she's sick to-day, and sent her grandchild in her place."
+
+
+SLAVERY
+
+A traveler in the South chatted with an aged negro, whom he met in the
+road.
+
+"And I suppose you were once a slave?" he remarked.
+
+"Yes, suh," the old colored man answered.
+
+"And, so, after the war, you gained your freedom," the gentleman
+continued.
+
+But the ancient one shook his head sadly.
+
+"No, suh," he declared with great emphasis. "Not perzactly, suh. I
+didn't git mah freedom, suh, after de war--I done got married!"
+
+
+SMELLS
+
+An argument arose among a number of British officers during their time
+of service in the Dardanelles, and wagers were made among them. The
+question at issue was as to which smells the louder, a goat or a Turk.
+The colonel was made arbiter. He sat judicially in his tent, and a goat
+was brought in. The colonel fainted. After the officer had been revived,
+and was deemed able to continue his duty as referee, a Turk was brought
+into the tent. The goat fainted.
+
+
+SOCIAL UPLIFT
+
+The somewhat unpleasant person, who was a social worker, completed her
+call on a dweller in the tenement district, and rose to depart. The
+unwilling hostess shook her head at the visitor's promise to come again.
+
+"And excuse me if I don't return the call," she vouchsafed. "Myself,
+I've got no time to go slummin'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The philanthropic hostess entertained a party of children from
+the slums at her home. She addressed one particularly pretty and
+intelligent-looking little girl, who listened shyly. She urged the child
+to speak without embarrassment. The little one complied, aspiring:
+
+"How many children have you?"
+
+"Six," the hostess answered, in surprise.
+
+"What a big family! You must be sure to look after them properly, and be
+very careful to keep them clean."
+
+"I'll try to, certainly," the lady declared, much amused.
+
+"Has your husband got a job?" the girl demanded crisply.
+
+"Well, no," the hostess admitted.
+
+"How unfortunate! You know you must keep out of debt."
+
+"Really, you must not be impertinent," was the reproof.
+
+"No, ma'am," the child responded simply, "mother said I must talk like a
+lady, and that's the way the ladies talk when they come to see us."
+
+
+SPANKING
+
+Back in those days when corporal punishment was permitted to teachers, a
+minor teacher named Miss Bings complained to one of her superiors, Miss
+Manners, that she had spanked one particular boy, Thomas, until she
+could spank him no more for physical fatigue.
+
+"When you want him spanked again, send him to me," Miss Manners said.
+
+Next morning, Thomas came into the presence of Miss Manners, displaying
+an air that was downcast. The teacher regarded him with suspicion.
+
+"Did you come from Miss Bings?" she asked sharply.
+
+"Yes, ma'am," Thomas admitted.
+
+"I thought as much!" On the instant, she skillfully inverted the
+youngster over her lap, and whacked him in a most spirited manner. This
+duty done, as the wailings of the boy died away, she demanded sternly:
+
+"And now what have you to say?"
+
+"Please, ma'am," Thomas answered brokenly, "Miss Bings wants the
+scissors!"
+
+
+SPEED
+
+In the business college, the instructor addressed the new class
+concerning the merits of shorthand. In his remarks, he included this
+statement:
+
+"It is a matter of record that it took the poet Gray seven years to
+write his famous poem, 'Elegy in a Country Churchyard.' Had he been
+proficient in stenography, he could have done it in seven minutes. We
+have had students who have written it in that length of time."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The young lady interested in botany inquired of the gentleman who had
+been traveling in the South.
+
+"What sort of a plant is the Virginia creeper?"
+
+"That is not a plant," was the answer, given wearily; "it's a railroad."
+
+
+SPELLING
+
+Some time before Mr. Taft became President of the United States, he took
+an extended trip in the mountains of West Virginia. On one occasion, he
+was conveyed along the mountain roads in a buggy driven by a native of
+the region. As they came to a small stream, Mr. Taft, without any
+particular interest, inquired concerning the brook's name. So far as he
+could understand, the answer was:
+
+"This here are Swum-swum Crick."
+
+"What?" Mr. Taft demanded.
+
+In the repetition, the words sounded like:
+
+"This here are Swoovel Crick."
+
+The questioner was so puzzled that he asked the mountaineer how the name
+of the Creek was spelled.
+
+The native spat tobacco juice reflectively over the wheel, and then
+spoke judicially:
+
+"Waal, some spells it one way, an' some spells it another way; but in my
+jedgmint thar are no propeer way."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The clerk of the court directed the witness to spell his name. The man
+started his reply thus:
+
+"_O_ double _t_, _i_ double _u_, _e_ double _l_, double _u_, double----"
+
+The clerk interrupted:
+
+"Please, begin again."
+
+The witness complied glibly:
+
+"_O_ double _t_, _i_ double _u_, _e_ double _l_, double _u_, double
+_o_----"
+
+The clerk groaned. The judge himself intervened: "What is your name?"
+
+"Your Honor, it is Ottiwell Wood. I spell it: _O_ double _t_, _i_ double
+_u_, _e_ double _l_, double _u_, double _o_, _d_."
+
+
+SPINSTERHOOD
+
+The old colored mammy took advantage of a wedding announcement to
+question her mistress, who remained a spinster still though approaching
+middle age.
+
+"When is you gwine to git married, missy?"
+
+"I don't know, mammy," was the thoughtful reply. "Really, I don't think
+I'll ever get married."
+
+A note of sadness in the speaker's voice moved the old woman to attempt
+philosophical consolation:
+
+"Well, they do say as how ole maids am the happies' kind after they
+quits strugglin'."
+
+
+SPITE
+
+The faithful old employee asked for a day off. The request was granted,
+with an inquiry as to what he intended to do on his holiday.
+
+"I think," came the cautious answer, "I shall go to my wife's funeral.
+She died the other day."
+
+A few weeks later, the request for a day off was repeated.
+
+"And what are you going to do this time?" the employer asked.
+
+"I think, mebbe, I'll get married."
+
+"What! So soon after burying your wife?"
+
+The faithful old employee smiled tolerantly, as he answered:
+
+"Oh, well, I was never one to hold spite."
+
+
+SPORTSMANSHIP
+
+In the party out after reed birds was a tyro at the sport. When at last
+he saw one of the birds walking about, he plumped down on his stomach,
+and took aim. A companion called to him sharply:
+
+"You're not going to shoot the bird while it's walking?"
+
+"No," was the firm response; "I'll wait till it stops."
+
+
+SPRING
+
+The teacher talked on the four seasons, telling how in the spring the
+new life comes to the earth, with the growth of grasses and leaves and
+flowers, how this life matures in summer, and so on, and so on. Then she
+called on the class to repeat the information she had given. She asked
+one little boy about spring.
+
+"What do we find in the spring, George?"
+
+George seemed very reluctant to answer, but when the teacher insisted he
+at last said:
+
+"Why, ma'am, there's a frog, an' a lizard, an' a snake, an' a dead cat,
+but I didn't put the cat there. It was another boy."
+
+
+STAMMERING
+
+On the occasion of a most interesting family event, Mr. Peedle, who
+desired a son, paced the drawing-room in extreme agitation, until at
+last the doctor appeared in the doorway.
+
+"Oh, oh, tell me," he gasped, "what is it--a boy or a girl?"
+
+"Tr-tr-tr--" the physician began stammeringly.
+
+Peedle paled.
+
+"Triplets! Merciful providence!"
+
+"Qu-qu-qu--" spluttered the doctor.
+
+Peedle paled some more.
+
+"Quadruplets!" he moaned.
+
+"N-n-no!" the physician snapped. "Qu-qu-quite the contrary. Tr-tr-try to
+take it qu-quietly. It's a girl."
+
+
+STYLE
+
+Two old friends met, and immediately found that they were equally
+devoted to motoring. After a discussion of their various cars, one
+bethought himself to ask concerning the other's wife, whom he had never
+seen. That lady was described by her husband, as follows:
+
+"Nineteen-six model, limousine so to say, heavy tread, runs on low."
+
+"Self-starter?"
+
+"You bet!"
+
+
+SUNDAY SCHOOL
+
+The young lady worker for the Sunday school called on the newly wedded
+pair.
+
+"I am endeavoring to secure new scholars," she explained. "Won't you
+send your children?"
+
+When she was informed that there were no children in the family as yet,
+she continued brightly:
+
+"But won't you please send them when you do have them?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The Sunday-school teacher examined his new class.
+
+"Who made the world?" he demanded. Nobody seemed to know. He repeated
+the question somewhat sternly. As the silence persisted, he frowned and
+spoke with increased severity:
+
+"Children, I must know who made the world!"
+
+Then, at last, a small boy piped up in much agitation:
+
+"Oh, sir, please, sir, it wasn't me!"
+
+
+SUPERMAN
+
+It is told of Mrs. Gladstone that a number of ladies in her drawing-room
+once became engaged in earnest discussion of a difficult problem. It
+chanced that at the time the great prime minister was in his study
+upstairs. As the argument in the drawing-room became hopelessly
+involved, a devout lady of the company took advantage of a lull to say:
+
+"Ah, well, there is One above Who knows it all."
+
+Mrs. Gladstone beamed.
+
+"Yes," she said proudly. "And William will be down directly to tell us
+all about it."
+
+
+SUPERSTITION
+
+The superstitious sporting editor of the paper condemned the "Horse
+Fair" by Rosa Bonheur.
+
+"Just look at those white horses!" he exclaimed disgustedly. "And not a
+red-headed girl in sight."
+
+
+SUSPENSE
+
+The passionate lover wrote to his inamorata as follows:
+
+"Adored of my soul:--If you love me, wear a red rose in your corsage
+to-night at the opera. If my devotion to you is hopeless, wear a white
+rose."
+
+She wore a yellow rose.
+
+
+SUSPICION
+
+The eminent politicians of opposing parties met on a train, and during
+their chat discovered that they agreed concerning primaries.
+
+"It is the first time," said one, "that we have ever agreed on a matter
+of public policy."
+
+"That is so," the other assented. "The fact leads me to suspect that I
+am wrong, after all in this matter of the primaries."
+
+
+SYMPATHY
+
+A tramp devised a new scheme for working on the sympathy of the
+housewife. After ringing the front door bell, he got on his knees, and
+began nibbling at the grass of the lawn. Presently the woman opened the
+door, and, in surprise at sight of him on all fours, asked what he was
+doing there.
+
+The tramp got to his feet shakily, and made an eloquent clutch at his
+stomach as he explained:
+
+"Dear madam, I am so hungry that like Nebuchadnezzar I just had to take
+to eatin' grass."
+
+"Well, well, now ain't that too bad!" the woman cried. "You go right
+into the back yard--the grass there is longer."
+
+
+TACT
+
+The senator from Utah was able to disarm by flattery the resentment of a
+woman at a reception in Washington, who upbraided him for that plurality
+of wives so dear to Mormon precept and practice.
+
+"Alas, madam," the senator declared with a touch of sadness in his
+voice, "we are compelled in Utah to marry a number of wives."
+
+His fair antagonist was frankly surprised.
+
+"What do you mean?" she demanded.
+
+The senator explained suavely:
+
+"We have to seek there in several women the splendid qualities that here
+are to be found in one."
+
+
+TALKING MACHINE
+
+Many a man who has suffered from tongue-lashings at home will be moved
+to profound sympathy for the victim described as follows in a local news
+item of a country paper:
+
+"Alice Jardine, a married woman, was charged with unlawfully wounding
+her husband, Charles Jardine, a laborer, by striking him with a pair of
+tongues."
+
+
+TAR AND FEATHERS
+
+The victim of the Klu Klux Klan plucked some feathers from his neck with
+one hand, while he picked gingerly at the tar on his legs with the
+other.
+
+"The excitement," he murmured, "rose to a terrible pitch, but it soon
+came down."
+
+
+TASTE
+
+A noted humorist once spent a few weeks with a tribe of western Indians.
+On his return, he was asked concerning his experiences. One question
+was:
+
+"Did you ever taste any dog-feast stew?"
+
+"Yes," was the melancholy reply. "I tasted it twice--once when it went
+down, and once when it came up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+It's all a matter of taste, as the old lady said when she kissed the
+cow.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The master of the house was hungry at breakfast, and swallowed a good
+part of his bacon before he tasted it. Then he took time to protest
+violently to his wife against the flavor of the food. The good lady
+offered no apology, but rang for the servant. When the latter appeared,
+the mistress asked a question that was little calculated to soothe her
+husband.
+
+"Maggie," she inquired serenely, "what did you do with the bacon we
+poisoned for the rats?"
+
+
+TEARS
+
+The kind lady stopped to tell the sobbing little girl not to cry, and
+she offered as a convincing argument:
+
+"You know it makes little girls homely."
+
+The child stared belligerently at the benevolent lady, and then
+remarked:
+
+"You must have cried an awful lot when you was young."
+
+
+TENDER MEMORIES
+
+"Please tell me, James," directed the young lady teacher, "where
+shingles were first used?"
+
+"I could, ma'am," little Jimmie replied in great embarrassment, "but I'd
+rather not."
+
+
+TERMINOLOGY
+
+When the bishop was entertained at an English country house, the butler
+coached carefully the new boy who was to carry up the jug of hot water
+for shaving in the morning.
+
+"When you knock," the butler explained, "and he asks, 'Who's there?'
+then you must say, 'It's the boy, my Lord.'"
+
+The lad, in much nervous trepidation, duly carried up the hot water, but
+in answer to the bishop's query as to who was at the door, he announced:
+
+"It's the Lord, my boy!"
+
+The butler overheard and was horrified. He hammered into the youth's
+consciousness, the fact that a bishop must be addressed as my lord.
+Finally, he was satisfied that the boy understood, and permitted him to
+assist in serving the dinner that night. The youngster was sent to the
+bishop to offer a plate of cheese. With shaking knees, he presented the
+dish to the prelate, and faltered:
+
+"My God, will you have some cheese?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The master of the house returned from business somewhat early. He did
+not find his wife about, and so called downstairs to the cook:
+
+"Bridget, do you know anything of my wife's whereabouts?"
+
+"No, sor," Bridget answered, "Sure, I know nothin' but I'm thinkin',
+sor, it's likely they're in the wash."
+
+
+TESTIMONY
+
+Paul Smith, the famous hotel-keeper in the Adirondacks, told of a law
+suit that he had with a man named Jones in Malone.
+
+"It was this way: I sat in the courtroom before the case opened with my
+witnesses around me. Then Jones bustled in. He stopped abruptly, and
+looked my witnesses over carefully. Presently he turned to me.
+
+"'Paul,' he asked, 'are those your witnesses?'
+
+"'They are,' I replied.
+
+"'Then you win,' he exclaimed. 'I've had them witnesses twice myself.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The grateful woman on the farm in Arkansas wrote to the vendors of the
+patent medicine:
+
+"Four weeks ago I was so run down that I could not spank the baby. After
+taking three bottles of your Elegant Elixir I am now able to thrash my
+husband in addition to my other housework. God bless you!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+In one of the most desolate areas of Montana, a claim was taken by a man
+from Iowa. The nearest neighbor, from twenty miles away, visited the
+homesteader's shack, and introduced himself.
+
+"Where did you come from?" the visitor inquired presently, and when he
+had been told:
+
+"I can't understand why anybody should want to get out of that civilized
+country to come and live in this lonesomeness."
+
+"Fact was," the man from Iowa explained somberly, "I didn't exactly like
+it down there any more. You see, it was this way. They got to telling
+things about me. Why, they even said I was a liar and hoss thief, and no
+better than I ought to be. And, by Jemima, I jest pulled out and went
+right away from them scandalous folks."
+
+"Well, I swan!" the visitor exclaimed indignantly. "You can bet I
+wouldn't leave a place for any reason like that. I'd make them prove
+what they said."
+
+The homesteader sighed dismally as he answered:
+
+"That's jest the trouble--they did prove it!"
+
+
+THREAT
+
+The mother, who was a believer in strict discipline, sternly addressed
+her little daughter, who sat wofully shrinking in the dentist's chair as
+the ogre approached forceps in hand:
+
+"Now, Letty, if you cry, I'll never take you to the dentist's again."
+
+
+THRIFT
+
+A Scotchman was questioned by a friend:
+
+"Mac, I hear ye have fallen in love wi' bonny Kate McAllister."
+
+"Weel, Sanders," Mac replied, "I was near--veera near--doin' it, but the
+bit lassy had nae siller, so I said to meaself, 'Mac, be a mon.' And I
+was a mon, and noo I jist pass her by."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The thrifty housewife regarded her dying husband with stern disapproval
+as he moaned and tossed restlessly from side to side.
+
+"William Henry," she rebuked him, "you jest needn't kick and squirm so,
+and wear them best sheets all out, even if you be a-dyin'."
+
+
+TIME FLIES
+
+The ardent lover heard the clock strike the hours--first nine, then ten,
+then eleven. At the sound of twelve strokes, he burst forth
+passionately:
+
+"How fleet are the hours in your presence, my beloved!"
+
+"Don't be silly!" the girl chided. "That's pa setting the clock."
+
+
+TIT FOR TAT
+
+The prize bull-dog attacked a farmer, who defended himself with a
+pitchfork, and in doing so killed the dog. The owner was greatly
+distressed, and reproached the farmer.
+
+"Why didn't you use the other end of the fork," he demanded, "and just
+beat him off, without killing him?"
+
+"I would have," the farmer answered, "if he had come at me with the
+other end."
+
+
+TOBACCO
+
+The native pointed with pride to two doddering ancients hobbling
+painfully down the village street, and informed the stranger:
+
+"Them fellers is the Dusenbury twins--ninety-eight year old!" The
+visitor was duly impressed, and asked to what the pair of venerable
+citizens attributed their long life.
+
+"It's kind o' which and t' other," the native confessed. "Obadiah
+declares its all along o' his chewin' an' smokin' an' snuffin' day in
+an' day out, fer nigh onto a hundred year; an' Ebenezer declares he has
+his health becase he never touched the filthy weed."
+
+
+TOILETTE DETAILS
+
+The little girl who had observed certain details in the toilette
+preparations of her elders, was observed by her mother at work over her
+most elaborate doll in a somewhat strange manner.
+
+"Whatever are you trying to do with your doll, Mary?" the mother asked.
+
+"I'm just going to put her to bed, mummy," the child replied seriously.
+"I've taken off her hair, but I can't get her teeth out."
+
+
+TONGUE
+
+An old lady in the London parish of the famous Doctor Gill made a
+nuisance of herself by constant interference in the affairs of others.
+As a gossip she was notorious. It appeared to her that the neckbands
+worn by the Doctor were longer than was fitting. She therefore took
+occasion to visit the clergyman, and harangued him at length on the
+sinfulness of pride. Then she exhibited a pair of scissors, and
+suggested that she should cut down the offending neckbands to a size
+fitting her ideas of propriety. The Doctor listened patiently to her
+exhortation, and at the end offered her the neckbands on which to work
+her will. She triumphantly trimmed them to her taste, and returned the
+shorn remnants to the minister.
+
+"And now," said the Doctor, "you must do me a good turn also."
+
+"That I will, Doctor," the woman declared heartily. "What can it be?"
+
+"Well," the clergyman explained, "you have something about you which is
+a deal too long and which causes me and many others such trouble, that I
+should like to see it shorter."
+
+"Indeed, dear Doctor, I shall not hesitate to gratify you. What is it?
+See, here are the scissors! Use them as you please."
+
+"Come, then," said the Doctor, "good sister, put out your tongue."
+
+
+TREACHERY
+
+The Italian workman in the West was warned to look out for rattlesnakes.
+He was assured, however, that a snake would never strike until after
+sounding the rattles. One day, while seated on a log, eating his lunch,
+the Italian saw a rattlesnake coiled ready to strike. He lifted his legs
+carefully, with the intention of darting away on the other side of the
+log the moment the rattles should sound their warning. But just as his
+feet cleared the top of the log, the snake struck out and its fangs were
+buried in the wood only the fraction of an inch below the Italian's
+trousers. The frightened man fled madly, but he took breath to shriek
+over his shoulder:
+
+"Son of a gun! Why you no ringa da bell?"
+
+
+TREASURE TROVE
+
+An old negro, who had almost attained the century mark, nearly blind,
+almost completely disabled, without friends, relations, or money, felt
+himself about to die, and stealthily made his way into a farmer's barn,
+where he burrowed into the haymow. But the farmer had observed the man's
+entrance, and after getting his shotgun, he hurried to the barn.
+
+"I got you!" he cried savagely. "Dog gone you! I got you!"
+
+The moribund derelict thrust his black face from the mow, and showed his
+toothless gums in a grin, as he answered:
+
+"An' a great git you got!"
+
+
+TRIAL
+
+The colored man was before the court, accused of horse-stealing. The
+prosecuting attorney read the indictment sternly, and then asked:
+
+"Are you guilty, or not guilty?"
+
+The prisoner wriggled perplexedly, and then grinned propitiatingly as he
+said:
+
+"Now, suh, boss, ain't dat perzakly de ting we'se done gwine diskiver in
+dis-yere trial?"
+
+
+TRIPLETS
+
+When the domestic event was due, the prospective father, being ordered
+out of the house, celebrated the occasion with many friends in a number
+of saloons. He celebrated so well that the clock was striking three in
+the morning when he entered the house. A nurse hurried to him, and undid
+some wrappings that revealed three tiny faces. The father stared
+reproachfully at the clock in the hall, and then, again regarding his
+group of children, spoke earnestly:
+
+"Oi'm not superstitious, but Oi thank hivin Oi didn't come home at
+twelve!"
+
+
+TRUTH-TELLERS
+
+The little girl evidently appreciated the fact that all men and women
+are liars, for _Punch_ records the following as the dialogue between her
+and her mother when she had been caught in a fib:
+
+_Mother:_ "It is very naughty to tell untruths, Kitty. Those who do so,
+never go to heaven."
+
+_Kitty:_ "Don't you ever tell an untruth, Mummy?"
+
+_Mother:_ "No, dear--never."
+
+_Kitty:_ "Well, you'll be fearfully lonely, won't you, with only George
+Washington?"
+
+
+TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR
+
+The woman lecturing on dress reform was greatly shocked when she read
+the report as published in the local paper. The writer had been innocent
+enough, for his concluding sentence was:
+
+"The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing that was remarkable."
+
+But the merry compositor inserted a period, which was left undisturbed
+by the proofreader, so that the published statement ran:
+
+"The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing. That was remarkable."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The poet, in a fine frenzy, dashed off a line that was really superb:
+
+"See the pale martyr in his sheet of fire."
+
+The devilish compositor so tangled the words that, when the poem was
+published, this line read:
+
+"See the pale martyr with his shirt on fire."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The critic, in his review of the burlesque, wrote:
+
+"The ladies of Prince Charming's household troops filled their parts to
+perfection."
+
+The compositor, in his haste, read an _n_ for the _r_ in the word
+_parts_, and the sentence, thus changed, radically in its significance,
+duly appeared in the morning paper.
+
+
+VALUES
+
+An American girl who married a Bavarian baron enjoyed playing Lady
+Bountiful among the tenants on her husband's estate. On the death of the
+wife of one of the cottagers, she called to condole with the bereaved
+widower. She uttered her formal expressions of sympathy with him in his
+grief over the loss of his wife, and she was then much disconcerted by
+his terse optimistic comment:
+
+"But it's a good thing, your ladyship, that it wasn't the cow."
+
+Wives are to be had for the asking; cows are not.
+
+
+VANITY
+
+The fair penitent explained to the confessor how greatly she was grieved
+by an accusing conscience. She bewailed the fact that she was sadly
+given over to personal vanity. She added that on this very morning she
+had gazed into her mirror and had yielded to the temptation of thinking
+herself beautiful.
+
+"Is that all, my daughter?" the priest demanded.
+
+"Then, my daughter," the confessor bade her, "go in peace, for to be
+mistaken is not to sin."
+
+
+VICTORY
+
+That celebrated statue, the Winged Victory, has suffered during the
+centuries to the extent of losing its head and other less vital parts.
+When the Irish tourist was confronted by this battered figure in the
+museum, and his guide had explained that this was the famous statue of
+victory, he surveyed the marble form with keen interest.
+
+"Victory, is ut?" he said, "Thin, begorra, Oi'd loike to see the other
+fellow."
+
+
+WAR
+
+A report has come from Mexico concerning the doings of three
+revolutionary soldiers who visited a ranch, which was the property of an
+American spinster and her two nieces. The girls are pretty and
+charming, but the aunt is somewhat elderly and much faded, though
+evidently of a dauntless spirit. The three soldiers looked over the
+property and the three women, and then declared that they were tired of
+fighting, and had decided to marry the women and make their home on the
+ranch.
+
+The two girls were greatly distressed and terrified, but even in their
+misery they were unselfish.
+
+"We are but two helpless women," they said in effect, "and if we must,
+we bow to our cruel fate. But please--oh, please--spare our dear auntie.
+Do not marry her."
+
+At this point, their old-maid relation spoke up for herself:
+
+"Now, now, you girls--you mind your own business. War is war."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"How do countries come to go to war?" the little boy inquired, looking
+up from his book.
+
+"For various reasons," explained the father. "Now, there was Germany and
+Russia. They went to war because the Russians mobilized."
+
+"Not at all, my dear," the wife interrupted. "It was because the
+Austrians--"
+
+"Tut, tut, my love!" the husband remonstrated. "Don't you suppose I
+know?"
+
+"Certainly not--you are all wrong. It was because--"
+
+"Mrs. Perkins, I tell you it was because--"
+
+"Benjamin, you ought to know better, you have boggled--"
+
+"Your opinion, madam, has not been requested in this matter."
+
+"Shut up! I won't have my child mistaught by an ignoramus."
+
+"Don't you dare, you impudent--"
+
+"And don't you dare bristle at me, or I'll--"
+
+"Oh, never mind!" the little boy intervened. "I think I know now how
+wars begin."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+At our entry into the World War, a popular young man enlisted and before
+setting forth for camp in his uniform made a round of farewell calls.
+The girl who first received him made an insistent demand:
+
+"You'll think of me every single minute when you're in those stupid old
+trenches!"
+
+"Every minute," he agreed solemnly.
+
+"And you'll kiss my picture every night."
+
+"Twice a night," he vowed, with the girl's pretty head on the shoulder
+of the new uniform coat.
+
+"And you'll write me long, long letters?" she pleaded.
+
+"I'll write every spare minute," he assured her, "and if I haven't any
+spare minutes, I'll take 'em anyhow."
+
+After a tender interval punctuated with similar ardent promises, he went
+away from there, and called on another girl. In fact, he called on ten
+separate and distinct pretty girls, and each of them was tender and
+sought his promises, which he gave freely and ardently and when it was
+all done with, he communed with himself somewhat sadly.
+
+"I do hope," he said wearily, "there won't be much fighting to do over
+there--for I'm going to be awfully busy."
+
+
+WEATHER
+
+The old colored attendant at the court house had a formula for
+addressing the judge:
+
+"What's the news this mawnin', Jedge?"
+
+And the judge's habitual reply was to the effect that there was no news
+in particular.
+
+But one morning, in answer to the usual query, there came a variation:
+
+"Our country has declared war against Spain." The darky scratched his
+head thoughtfully, then rolled his eyes to squint at the cloudless blue
+of the sky, and finally remarked in a pleased tone:
+
+"They shohly done picked a fine day fer it."
+
+
+WHALES
+
+At the time when petroleum began to be used instead of whale oil for
+burning in lamps, a kindly old lady was deeply perturbed by the change.
+
+"What," she wanted to know, "will the poor whales do now?"
+
+
+WHISKERS
+
+An elderly man was on his way home by train from a session of three days
+at a convention of his political party. (This was antedating the era of
+prohibition.) The man's personal preferences had been gratified in the
+nominations at the convention, and he had celebrated in a way only too
+common in the bibulous period of our history. His absorption in other
+things and of other things had led him to neglect shaving throughout the
+three days. Now, as he chanced to move his hand over his chin, it
+encountered the long growth of white bristles, and he was aroused to a
+realization of his neglect. To determine just how badly he needed a
+shave, the elderly gentleman opened his handbag, and fumbled in it for a
+mirror. In his confused condition, he seized on a silver-backed
+hair-brush of the same set, pulled it forth, and held it up to his face
+with the bristles toward him. He studied these with great care, groaned
+and muttered:
+
+"I look worse than I thought for. Whatever will Sarah Ann say!"
+
+
+WIDOW
+
+One of the ladies assembled at the club was describing the wedding she
+had just attended:
+
+"And then, just as Frank and the widow started up the aisle to the
+altar, every light in the church went out."
+
+The listeners exclaimed over the catastrophe.
+
+"And what did the couple do then?" someone questioned.
+
+"Kept on going. The widow knew the way."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A widow visited a spiritualistic medium, who satisfactorily produced
+the deceased husband for a domestic chat.
+
+"Dear John," the widow questioned eagerly, "are you happy now?"
+
+"I am very happy," the spook assured her.
+
+"Happier than you were on earth with me?" the widow continued, greatly
+impressed.
+
+"Yes," John asserted, "I am far happier now than I was on earth with
+you."
+
+"Oh, do tell me, John," the widow cried rapturously, "what is it like in
+heaven?"
+
+"Heaven!" the answer snapped. "I ain't in heaven!"
+
+
+WIDOWHOOD
+
+During the parade at the last encampment of the G.A.R., a woman in the
+crowd of spectators made herself not only conspicuous, but rather a
+nuisance by the way she carried on. She waved a flag with such vigor as
+to endanger the bystanders and yelled to deafen them. An annoyed man in
+the crowd after politely requesting her to moderate her enthusiasm,
+quite without effect, bluntly told her to shut up.
+
+"Shut up yourself!" she retorted in high indignation. "If you had buried
+two husbands who had served in the war, you would be hurrahing, too."
+
+
+WIFE
+
+A young skeptic in the congregation once interrupted Billy Sunday with
+the question:
+
+"Who was Cain's wife?"
+
+The Evangelist answered in all seriousness:
+
+"I honor every seeker after knowledge of the truth. But I have a word of
+warning for this questioner. Don't risk losing salvation by too much
+inquiring after other men's wives."
+
+
+WILD WOMEN
+
+The old sea captain was surrounded at the tea party, to which his wife
+had dragged him, much against his will, by a group of women pestering
+him for a story from his adventures. Finally, at the end of his
+patience, he began.
+
+"Once, I was shipwrecked on the coast of South America, and there I came
+across a tribe of wild women, who had no tongues."
+
+"Mercy!" exclaimed all the fair listeners with one voice. "But they
+couldn't talk."
+
+"That," snapped the old sea captain, "was what made them wild."
+
+
+WISDOM
+
+It's a wise child that goes out of the room to laugh when the old man
+mashes his thumb.
+
+
+WOMAN
+
+A cynic, considering the fact that women was the last thing made by God,
+asserts that the product shows both His experience and His fatigue.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The following extract is from the diary of a New England woman who lived
+in the eighteenth century:
+
+"We had roast pork for dinner and the Doctor, who carved, held up a rib
+on his fork, and said: 'Here, ladies, is what Mother Eve was made of.'"
+
+"'Yes,' said sister Patty, 'and it is from very much the same kind of
+critter'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The little girl reported at home what she had learned at Sunday School
+concerning the creation of Adam and Eve:
+
+"The teacher told us how God made the first man and the first woman. He
+made the man first. But the man was very lonely with nobody to talk to
+him. So God put the man to sleep. And while the man was asleep, God took
+out his brains, and made a woman of them."
+
+
+WOMAN SUFFRAGE
+
+During the agitation in behalf of woman's suffrage, an ardent advocate
+pleaded with a tired-looking married woman, and said:
+
+"Just think! Wouldn't you love to go with your husband to the voting
+place, and there cast your vote along with his?"
+
+The woman shook her head decisively and she answered:
+
+"For goodness sake! If there's one single thing that a man's able to do
+by himself, let him do it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following pages have been selected and edited by "Life's" famous
+contributor
+
++ A. C.
+
+
+HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL
+
+_Oldest Inhabitant:_ "I never expected to live till the end of the War,
+Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next
+one."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"That's Betty Grant's new maid."
+
+"She's much smarter than her mistress."
+
+"Well, they can't _both_ afford to dress like that."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Father:_ "Don't know the French for cat, and you had a French nurse for
+years!"
+
+_Hopeful:_ "But, Dad, we hadn't got a cat when Adele was with us."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Betty_ (_after flash of lightning_): "Count quickly, Jenny! Make it as
+far away as you possibly can."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Employer:_ "John, I wish you wouldn't whistle at your work."
+
+_Boy:_ "I wasn't working, Sir; only whistling."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, how _did_ you break that vase?"
+
+_Maid:_ "I'm very sorry, Mum; I was accidentally dusting."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Little Girl_ (_in foreground_): "Mother, I suppose the bridegroom
+_must_ come to his wedding."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mistress:_ "I hope you're doing what you can to economise the food."
+
+_Cook:_ "Oh, yes'm. We've put the cat on milk-an'-water."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Raw Hand_ (_at sea for first time and observing steamer's red and green
+lights_): "'Ere's some lights on the starboard side, Sir."
+
+_Officer:_ "Well, what is it?"
+
+_R. H.:_ "Looks to me like a drug store, Sir."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Can you play bridge to-night?"
+
+"Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner."
+
+"What--do you like the stuff?"
+
+"Frankly, no; but I've heard on the best authority that his music's very
+much better than it sounds."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Master:_ "But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint is not pewmonia.
+Surely, you've heard me again and again say '_pneu_monia'?"
+
+_Man:_ "Well, Sir, I _'ave_; but I didn't like to correct you."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Successful Poultry Farmer:_ "You'd be surprised what a difference these
+incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every
+week."
+
+_Champion Dog Breeder:_ "Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find
+names for them all?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Boy_ (_who has been promised a visit to the Zoo to-morrow_): "I
+hope we shall have a better day for it than Noah had."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother:_ "Oh, Mary, why _do_ you wipe your mouth with the back of your
+hand?"
+
+_Mary:_ "'Cos it's so much cleaner than the front."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother_ (_to child who has been naughty_): "Aren't you rather ashamed
+of yourself?"
+
+_Child:_ "Well, Mother, I wasn't. But now that you've suggested it I
+am."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A CONSOLING THOUGHT
+
+_Belated Traveller_ (_surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the
+station_): "By jove! I believe I shall catch that train after all."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+LIFE'S DIFFICULTIES
+
+_Mother:_ "Why, what's the matter, darling?"
+
+_Small daughter_ (_tearfully_): "Oh, Mums, I do so want to give this
+worm to my hen."
+
+_Mother:_ "Then why don't you?"
+
+_Small daughter_ (_with renewed wails_): "'C-cos I'm so afraid the worm
+won't like it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Does God make lions, Mother?"
+
+"Yes, dear."
+
+"But isn't he frightened to?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Excuse me, officer, but have you seen any pickpockets about here with a
+handkerchief marked 'Susan'?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mrs. Green to Mrs. Jones_ (_who is gazing at an aeroplane_): "My word!
+I shouldn't care for one of _them_ flying things to settle on me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Woman:_ "Jazz stockings are the latest thing, dear. Here's a
+picture of a girl with them on."
+
+_The Man:_ "What appalling rot! Er--after you with the paper."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Invalid_ (_to visitor_): "I've had a lot of diseases in my
+time--measles--whooping-cough--influenza--tonsilitis--but (_modestly_) I
+haven't had dropsy yet."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE SERVANT PROBLEM
+
+_Lady:_ "And why did your last mistress----"
+
+_Applicant_ (_loftily_): "Excuse me, Madam!"
+
+_Lady:_ "Well--er--your last employer----"
+
+_Applicant:_ "I beg your pardon, Madam!"
+
+_Lady:_ "Well, then, your last--er--pray what do you call those in whose
+service you are engaged?"
+
+_Applicant:_ "Clients, Madam."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Girl:_ "I wonder how old Joan is?"
+
+_Small Boy:_ "I bet she won't see four again."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother:_ "Well, dear, has Jack kissed you under the mistletoe?"
+
+_Mary_ (_demurely_): "Yes, Mummy."
+
+_Mother:_ "And did you enjoy it?"
+
+_Mary:_ "Yes, thank you, Mummy; but (_very demurely_) _I struggled_."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Mollie, you haven't said your prayers."
+
+"I'm going to say them in bed to-night."
+
+"Oh, Mollie, that isn't etiquette."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Applicant for Situation:_ "And 'ow long did yer last cook oblige yer?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TROUBLES OF THE NEW-POOR
+
+"George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinner
+and--she's still looking at it through her lorgnette."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I hear you've taken up golf. What do you go round in?"
+
+"Well, usually in a sweater."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Boy_ (_walking round links with his father_): "Daddy, here's a
+ball for you."
+
+_Father:_ "Where did you get that from?"
+
+_Small Boy:_ "It's a lost ball, Daddy."
+
+_Father:_ "Are you sure it's a lost ball?"
+
+_Small Boy:_ "Yes, Daddy; they're still looking for it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Boy_ (_toying with dull blanc-mange_): "Please may I have an ice
+instead of finishing this--'cos I feel sick?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE NEW APPRECIATION
+
+_Wife_ (_habitue of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked her
+husband down_): "That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, George. I
+wonder who he is?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady:_ "I've just been making my side ache over your latest book."
+
+_Author_ (_delighted_): "Oh, really. Did you find it so amusing?"
+
+_Lady:_ "Well, the fact is I went to sleep on the top of it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Employer_ (_inspecting a very inflated bill for work_): "Look here--how
+did you get at this amount?"
+
+_Odd Jobs Man:_ "Well, Sir, didn't know how you'd prefer me to charge it
+up, so I just charged by time."
+
+_Employer:_ "Oh, really! I thought you must have been charging by
+eternity."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Tourist:_ "Have you any cold meat?"
+
+_Waiter:_ "Well, we have some that's nearly cold, Sir."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady:_ "If you please, Cook, may we have steak and onions for lunch
+to-day?"
+
+_Cook:_ "You can have steak, but I'm afraid I can't let you have onions.
+You see, I'm going out this afternoon, and onions always make my eyes so
+red."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Boy_ (_on being told by cousin that she is engaged to be
+married_): "Oh! (_long pause_) and what did your husband say when he
+engaged you?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Master:_ "But why do you want to get married, Jones?"
+
+_Butler:_ "Well, Sir, _I don't want my name to die out_."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Artist_ (_in desperation_): "That, Sir, I consider the finest in my
+exhibition. You can have it for half the catalogue price."
+
+_The Visitor:_ "Bless my soul! You don't say so. By the way, what is the
+price of the catalogue?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Well, Mollie, how do you like your new teacher?"
+
+"I half like her, and I half don't like her. But I think I half don't
+like her most."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Please, Mr. Grafto, the gentleman on the next floor presents his
+compliments and says, seeing as how you can foretell the future, would
+you be so good as to let him know how long it will be before your bath
+stops overflowing through his ceiling?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Old Lady_ (_interrogating her chauffeur's small boy_): "Well, my little
+man, and do you know who I am?"
+
+_Small Boy:_ "Yes, you're the old lady what goes for rides in my daddy's
+car."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Parent:_ "I should like you to have 'good' in your report, and not
+always 'fair.'"
+
+_Young Hopeful:_ "I daresay you would, Dad. But, you see, I'm an
+ordinary boy of ordinary parents, and that's an ordinary report."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Optimist:_ "Cheer up, old man. Things aren't as bad as they seem."
+
+_Pessimist:_ "No, but they seem so."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+OUR MODERN INFANT
+
+_Genial Uncle:_ "Well, old chap, we've not done anything together for a
+long time. How about the Zoo next Sunday, eh?"
+
+_Small Boy:_ "Thanks very much. I can't say off-hand, but I'll ring you
+up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Little Girl_ (_to Bride at wedding reception_): "You don't look nearly
+as tired as I should have thought."
+
+_Bride:_ "Don't I, dear? But why did you think I should look tired?"
+
+_Little Girl:_ "Well, I heard Mummy say to Dad that you'd been running
+after Mr. Goldmore for months and months."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A SUBTLE DISTINCTION
+
+"I say--come and dance. This is a toppin' fox-trot they're playin'."
+
+"Thanks--but I'm only waltzing this evening. We're still in mourning,
+you know."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Specialist_ (_to patient suffering from insomnia_): "And did you try
+my plan of counting sheep coming through a gate?"
+
+_Patient:_ "Well, I counted up to a hundred and twenty thousand and
+thirty-nine, and then it was time to get up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Neighbor_ (_bearer of message, to billiard enthusiast_): "You're wanted
+at 'ome, Charlie. Yer wife's just presented yer with another rebate off
+yer income-tax."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Joan_ (_whose mother has just bought her a pair of woolen gloves_):
+"Oh, Mummy, I wish you had got kid. I hate this kind; they make my
+sweets so hairy."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady_ (_to applicant for situation as cook_): "Have you been accustomed
+to have a kitchen-maid under you?"
+
+_Cook:_ "In these days we never speak of having people 'under us.' But I
+have had colleagues."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Father:_ "Look here, Billy, Mr. Smith called at the office this morning
+about your fight with his boy yesterday."
+
+_Son:_ "Did he? I hope you got on as well as I did."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Artist_ (_condescendingly_): "I did this last summer. It really isn't
+much good."
+
+_Candid Friend:_ "No, it certainly isn't. But who told you?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BLUE BLOOD
+
+_Mrs. Profiteer:_ "Is this a pedigree dog?"
+
+_Dealer:_ "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal
+could only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Bridesmaid_ (_loudly, in middle of ceremony_): "Mummie, are we
+all getting married?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Small Girl:_ "To-day's my mummy's wedding-day."
+
+_Smaller Girl_ (_with air of superiority_): "_My_ mummy was married
+_years_ ago."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"
+
+"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more
+yer does a bit o' work for it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Office Boy_ (_anxious to go to football match_): "May I have the
+afternoon off, Sir? My grand----"
+
+_Employer:_ "Oh, yes, I've heard that before. Your grandmother died last
+week."
+
+_Office Boy:_ "Yes, Sir; but--my grandfather's getting married again
+this afternoon."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Minister's Wife:_ "My husband was asking only this morning why you
+weren't in the habit of attending church."
+
+_Latest Inhabitant:_ "Well, you see, it does so cut into one's
+Sundays."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Two mistakes here, waiter--one in your favor, one in mine."
+
+"In _your_ favor, Sir? Where?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mistress:_ "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."
+
+_Cook:_ "You don't catch me crackin' no more nuts to-day. I've very near
+broke me jaw already."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Gushing Lady:_ "Yes, she's married to a lawyer, and a good honest
+fellow too."
+
+_Cynic:_ "Bigamist!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother:_ "Augustus, you naughty boy, you've been smoking. Do you feel
+very bad, dear?"
+
+_Augustus:_ "Thank you--I'm only dying."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_New Butler:_ "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"
+
+_Profiteer:_ "What time do the best people dine?"
+
+_New Butler:_ "At different times, Sir."
+
+_Profiteer:_ "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Fond Mamma:_ "I sometimes think, Percy, you don't treat your dear
+father with quite the proper respect."
+
+_Young Hopeful_; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Playful Hostess:_ "Couldn't you manage one more _eclair?_"
+
+_Serious Little Boy:_ "No, fanks, I've no more room."
+
+_Playful Hostess:_ "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would
+that help?"
+
+_Serious Little Boy (after deep thought):_ "No, fanks, that would make
+the space at the wrong end."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Vicar's Wife:_ "What are you children doing in daddy's study?"
+
+_Ethel:_ "It's a great secret, Mummy. We're giving daddy a new bible for
+his birthday."
+
+_Vicar's Wife:_ "Oh--and what are you writing in it?"
+
+_Ethel:_ "Well, you see, we thought we'd better copy what daddy's
+friends put in the books they give him, so we're writing, 'With the
+author's compliments.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE OBSTACLE
+
+_George:_ "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it
+hadn't been for something she said."
+
+_Fred:_ "What did she say?"
+
+_George:_ "No!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CHANGING THE SUBJECT
+
+_She:_ "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talk
+about myself all evening."
+
+_He:_ "I'm sure we couldn't find anything better."
+
+_She:_ "Very well, then! Suppose _you_ talk about me for a while."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I say, Taxi, I've only got enough change to pay the exact fare. D'you
+mind taking a cheque for the tip?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A CHANCE LOST
+
+"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?"
+
+"I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of argument
+if he had said _which_ one."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_He:_ "I never knew until to-day that the Rev. Dr. Preachly married an
+actress."
+
+_She:_ "Oh, yes! It is she who rehearses him in those beautiful
+extempore sermons he preaches."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+DURING THE QUARREL
+
+_He:_ "But if you will allow me to----"
+
+_She:_ "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you're quite mistaken
+and I can prove it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CONDITIONAL
+
+_Eloping Bride:_ "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say
+when he gets our letter."
+
+_Bridegroom:_ "It can't make any difference to our happiness,
+darling--so long as he doesn't _do_ it when we get back."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+JUST IGNORANCE
+
+_He_ (_dejectedly_): "I'm sure I don't see why our parents won't give
+their consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel."
+
+_She:_ "Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fogies like they are to know
+anything about _love_?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ALL IN ONE BREATH
+
+_Wife:_ "I'm afraid you'll think me rather extravagant, dear, but I
+spent ten dollars to-day on a boat, and a train, and a fire-engine, and
+a box of soldiers, and some nine pins for Freddie's birthday. By the
+way, what are _you_ going to buy him?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A YOUNG PHILOSOPHER
+
+"Mamma!"
+
+"What is it, dear?"
+
+"It seems to me that a 'silly question' is something that you don't know
+the answer to."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+FEMININITY
+
+_Julia:_ "Fanny married a very wealthy man, you know. She tells me she
+has absolutely nothing to wish for."
+
+_Gertrude:_ "Oh, Julia! What a dreadful state to be in."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GETTING EVEN
+
+_Mrs. Lynks:_ "Jack, I have made up my mind to fine you ten cents every
+time you swear."
+
+_Mr. Lynks:_ "That's a bargain, if you'll give me ten cents every time
+you envy me for being able to."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A SOOTHING EFFECT
+
+"Do you miss your husband as much as when he first went away?"
+
+"No, I am becoming reconciled. You see he sent me a power of attorney."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+IN THAT CASE
+
+_She:_ "When one is really thirsty, there is nothing so good as pure,
+cold water."
+
+_He:_ "I guess I have never been really thirsty."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A QUALIFIED STATEMENT
+
+"Well! we've missed that confounded train. What time will the next one
+be here?"
+
+"If the engine doesn't break down, and the track doesn't spread, and
+they don't run into any cows, and the up-freight isn't behind time, and
+the swing bridge isn't open, it ought to be here in about two hours."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Count:_ "I weesh to marry your daughtaire, saire! I am vorth one
+hundred thousand dollaire."
+
+_The Millionaire:_ "But I thought you were a bankrupt."
+
+_The Count:_ "I mean zat I am vorth zat moch _to you_."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I suppose your landlord asks a lot for the rent of this place?"
+
+"A lot! He asks me for it nearly every week."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother_ (_to little girl who had been sent to the hen-house for eggs_):
+"Well, dear, were there no eggs?"
+
+_Little Girl:_ "No, mummie, only the one the hens use for a pattern."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"It's funny that you should be so tall. Your brother, the artist, is
+short, isn't he?"
+
+_He_ (_absently_): "Yes, usually."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Urchin_ (_contemptuously_): "Huh! Yer mother takes in washin'!"
+
+_Neighbor:_ "Well, yer didn't s'pose she'd leave it hangin' aht
+overnight unless your farver was in prison, did yer?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HIS SPHERE
+
+"His versatility is something extraordinary."
+
+"I had an idea he was rather stupid."
+
+"That's just it. I never met a man who could make more different kinds
+of a fool of himself."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Poetic Bridegroom:_ "I could sit here forever, gazing into your eyes,
+and listening to the wash of the ocean."
+
+_Practical Bride:_ "Oh! That reminds me, darling, we have not paid our
+laundry bill yet."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A LOVERS' QUARREL
+
+_George:_ "Why don't Jack and Laura make up?"
+
+_Kate:_ "'Sh! They'd like to, but unfortunately they can't remember what
+they quarreled about."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A DREADFUL POSSIBILITY
+
+_Elsie:_ "When is my birthday, Mother?"
+
+_Her Mother:_ "On the thirty-first of this month, dear."
+
+_Elsie:_ "Oh! Mother! Supposing this month had had only thirty days,
+where would I have been?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GETTING RECKLESS
+
+_She:_ "I'm surprised at Jane's staying out in the boat all this time
+with a comparative stranger. A woman of thirty is old enough to know
+better."
+
+_He:_ "Aren't you afraid she is _too old_ to know better?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I shall never find anyone else like you. You see, you're so different
+from other girls."
+
+"Oh, but you'll find lots of other girls different from other girls."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+RETROACTIVE
+
+"You know you should love your neighbor as yourself."
+
+"But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always end by hating
+myself."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Pupil:_ "What I want to know is, am I a bass or a baritone?"
+
+_Teacher:_ "No--you're not."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+APOLOGIZING
+
+"Oh! Are you really a mind-reader?"
+
+"Yes! I am."
+
+"Then I hope you aren't offended. I didn't mean what I thought about
+you."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+DENIED THE PRIVILEGE
+
+_The Child:_ "Mother! Did you buy a ticket for me?"
+
+_The Mother:_ "No, dear! They don't charge for little boys."
+
+_The Child:_ "Is that 'cos we're too little to reach the straps?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A GOOD PLAN
+
+_She:_ "The Burrowes are having their wooden wedding next week. What can
+we give them?"
+
+"We might send them a receipt for some of the money he owes me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ENFRANCHISEMENT OF WOMAN
+
+_First Voter:_ "So Mr. Jones has been elected. You voted for him, of
+course?"
+
+_Second Voter:_ "No, I voted for the other man. You see, Mr. Jones
+supported Woman's Suffrage, which I abhor."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+FAMILIARITY, ETC.
+
+"I'm so glad to see you. And how did you enjoy your visit to the South?"
+
+"Oh, not very much! There wasn't a soul where I was staying except
+intimate friends."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+REASSURING
+
+_She:_ "Oh! Jack! Are you perfectly certain that you love me?"
+
+_He:_ "My darling! You don't suppose that I have lived for thirty years
+without knowing love when I feel it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HOW IT HAPPENED
+
+"What! You don't mean to tell me they are engaged! Why! They never met
+until a week ago."
+
+"I know it. But they happened, while out rowing together, to get caught
+in a thunder storm."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A LINGUIST
+
+"She is one of the most remarkable women I ever met."
+
+"In what way?"
+
+"She can keep silence in four different languages."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE DIFFERENCE
+
+_She:_ "I'm so glad we're engaged."
+
+_He:_ "But you knew all the time that I loved you, didn't you?"
+
+_She:_ "Yes, dear, I knew it, but you didn't."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE ROAD TO----, ETC.
+
+"Well, what are you sneering about? You don't seem to have much faith in
+my good resolutions."
+
+"I was just wondering if you had taken the paving contract for the next
+world."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CLASSIFIED
+
+_Mrs. Bargain:_ "Oh, Ethel! I have just talked Edward into giving me the
+money for a new hat."
+
+_Mr. Bargain:_ "Which I shall enter in my accounts as 'Hush Money.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A SOLUTION
+
+_The Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, if I had known who sent those flowers I would
+have returned them unopened."
+
+_The Maid:_ "Shure, Miss, couldn't ye take a few out, and sind the rist
+back unopened?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ENCOURAGING
+
+_He:_ "My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray of
+hope before I leave you forever?"
+
+_She:_ "Er--that clock is half an hour fast."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+AN ALIAS
+
+_Miss Hen:_ "I demand an explanation! You told me that your name was
+plain 'Mr. Rooster,' and that poet just now addressed you as
+'Chanticleer'!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+
+_Lady_ (_to prospective daily housemaid_): "The hours will be from nine
+to six-thirty, with an hour and a half off for dinner."
+
+_D. H.:_ "For _luncheon_, I suppose you mean. And I should have to leave
+at six, as I always dine at my club and have to dress first."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CHANGING PLACES
+
+"They say that she was his stenographer before marriage."
+
+"She has evidently reversed the order of things."
+
+"How so?"
+
+"_She_ does the dictating now."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ECONOMY
+
+_Young Husband:_ "I see that sugar has gone down two points."
+
+_Young Wife:_ "Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds to-day, then."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Best Man_ (_seeing couple off on honeymoon_): "Here you are--just a few
+magazines to help pass away the time."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Hostess_ (_to small guest, who is casting lingering glances at the
+cakes_): "I don't think you can eat any more of those cakes, can you,
+John?"
+
+_John:_ "No, I don't think I can. But may I stroke them?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mr. Househunter:_ "I don't care for those flats we looked at to-day.
+The rooms are too narrow, and the ceilings are too low."
+
+_Mrs. Househunter:_ "But they are cheap, dear; and you and I are neither
+very wide nor very high."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+QUALIFIED
+
+_The Leading Woman:_ "How does Garrette rank as an actor?"
+
+_The Comedian:_ "He doesn't--he is."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CLAIMING ACQUAINTANCE
+
+_Chimmie:_ "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight--me cousin used ter go ter
+school wid'm."
+
+_Billie:_ "Dat ain't nuthin'--me brudder had t'ree front teet' knocked
+out by'm onct."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+FROM THE HEART
+
+_The Wife:_ "I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account of
+the weather."
+
+_The Husband:_ "Humph! And I suppose by the time it clears up the
+fashion will have changed."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Reporter:_ "I beg pardon, but would you be kind enough to tell me
+what blow you will knock Fitzmuggins out with to-morrow night?"
+
+_Sledge-hammer Mike:_ "De solar plexus."
+
+_The Reporter:_ "And er--if you get beaten, what will your--er--weak
+spot have been?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+AN ARGUMENT
+
+"This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense."
+
+"Why do you say so?"
+
+"Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by the very people who
+are idiots enough to sit out all day waiting for them to bite."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE SECRET
+
+_The Man of Theory:_ "The great secret of happiness lies in being
+content with one's lot."
+
+_The Man of Practice:_ "But it has to be a whole lot."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WANTS HER RIGHTS
+
+_He:_ "There is nothing like experience after all. She is our greatest
+teacher."
+
+_She:_ "And there is no holding back her salary, either."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"And are you a good needlewoman and renovator, and willing to be
+useful?"
+
+"Madam, I am afraid there is some misunderstanding. I am a lady's
+maid--not a useful maid."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GETTING BACK
+
+_Customer to Palmist:_ "Five dollars fee? Er--would you have any
+objection to waiting until I get some of the money you say is coming to
+me?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Betty:_ "Mummy, does God send us our food?"
+
+_Mother:_ "Yes, dear; of course He does."
+
+_Betty:_ "But what a price!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+DURING VACATION
+
+_The Summer Girl:_ "It pains me to be compelled to say so, but I really
+cannot become engaged to you."
+
+_The Summer Man:_ "Well--er--could you manage to be a sister to me for a
+couple of weeks?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT UNIQUE
+
+_He:_ "Crowded, were you? I thought you went early to avoid the rush."
+
+_She:_ "So I did; but about five thousand other people did the same
+thing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A NOBLE AIM
+
+_She:_ "Have you heard anything about the woman's Reform Club?"
+
+"Yes, its object seems to be to reform everything except the Club and
+everybody except the members."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ONCE TOO OFTEN
+
+"Yes, dear, I'm going out to-night. I've been asked to take supper with
+an old comrade in arms."
+
+"By the way, darling, how many men did your regiment muster?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Phwat's the matter wid yez, Regan? Yez look hurted."
+
+"Faith! Lasht noight Oi tould Casey phwat Oi thought av him, an' ut
+appears he thought worse av me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT
+
+"What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons must witness."
+
+"Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they run over some one."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer says I may
+have him for a song. Would you advise me to buy him?"
+
+"That depends upon your eye for a horse and his ear for music."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SYMPATHY
+
+_Freddie_ (_aged six_): "Mother, you know that lovely purse you gave me
+for my birfday?"
+
+_His Mother:_ "Yes, dear! What of it?"
+
+_Freddie:_ "It makes me feel orful to think of it just lyin' in the
+drawer 'ithout a cent in its stummick."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SLIGHTED
+
+"I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence, and am quite ready
+to be friends again."
+
+"_Misunderstanding_, indeed! If you had any _feeling_ you'd call it a
+quarrel."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GOING FURTHER
+
+_Flora:_ "I think that Maud has been awfully mean to you. If I were you
+I'd get even with her."
+
+_Dora:_ "Getting even with her won't satisfy _me_. _I'm_ going to get
+_uneven_ with her."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GETTING ON
+
+_Old Gentleman:_ "Well, children! and what are you learning at school?"
+
+_Small Boy:_ "Oh, she's learning to make paper dolls and I'm learning to
+knock spots out of Willie Jones."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+LITERALLY
+
+_He:_ "I understand that she fairly threw herself at him."
+
+_She:_ "Yes! They met in an automobile collision."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+AN EXTENSIVE LOVE
+
+_She:_ "They say that he fairly worships the ground she walks on."
+
+_He:_ "That's saying a good deal when you consider what a golf fiend she
+is."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT
+
+"The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill."
+
+"Sour grapes always _did_ have that effect."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NO DISSENSION
+
+_Mrs. Storme:_ "How is your Debating Society getting along?"
+
+_Mrs. Karn:_ "Very well. We have forty members, and we all agree
+beautifully."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Why are they not speaking?"
+
+"They quarreled about which loved the other the more."
+
+"Well!"
+
+"And now each is afraid to give in for fear of offending the other."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+IN KEEPING
+
+"I really believe he married her only because he wanted a good
+housekeeper."
+
+"And now I suppose he wishes he could give her a month's warning."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HE KNEW
+
+_She:_ "I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr.
+and Mrs. Rigby."
+
+_He:_ "Humph! I know! Each of them does exactly as _she_ likes."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ARRANGED TO FIT
+
+_Elsie:_ "Mummy! if I wuz a fairy I'd change every-fing into cake, an'
+eat it all up."
+
+_Mother:_ "I'm afraid such a lot of cake would make you sick."
+
+_Elsie:_ "Oh! but I'd change myself into a Nelephant first."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+PROBABLY
+
+"I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can you
+suggest?"
+
+"Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as well as anything."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SURE SIGNS
+
+"Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?"
+
+"Twins."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SUCH A WASTE
+
+_Mrs. Bizzy:_ "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing
+the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?"
+
+_Casey:_ "Faith, Ma'am! That's what Oi do be afther complainin' av.
+'Twas a whole set av dishes broke to pieces an' she niver hit me wanst."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOO ONE-SIDED
+
+"What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive and
+forget."
+
+"That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you are always
+forgetting."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+DISCRETION
+
+_Miss Bizzy:_ "I am glad to hear that you are married, O'Brien, and hope
+that you and Bridget don't have many differences of opinion."
+
+_O'Brien:_ "Faith, ma'am, we have a good many, but Oi don't let her know
+about them."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BETTER UNSAID
+
+_Cholly Lyttlebrayne:_ "Yes, the doctors saved my life, but it cost me
+over a thousand dollars."
+
+_Miss Thotless:_ "Oh! Mr. Lyttlebrayne, what extravagance!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+LETTING HIM KNOW
+
+_Flora:_ "I'm writing to tell Jack that I didn't mean what I said in my
+last letter."
+
+_Dora:_ "What did you say in your last letter?"
+
+_Flora:_ "That I didn't mean what I said in the one before."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WHY, INDEED
+
+_The Husband:_ "Why is it that women always say, 'I'll be ready in two
+seconds'?"
+
+_The Wife:_ "Humph! and why is it that men always say, 'Oh! _I'm_ ready
+_now_'?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Madge:_ "Have you given Jack your final answer yet?"
+
+_Mabel:_ "Not yet--but I have given him my final 'No.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ONLY THEIR WAY
+
+_First Lady_ (_effusively_): "I am _more_ than _charmed_ to see you, my
+_dear_ Mrs.--er--um--."
+
+_Second Lady_ (_more effusively_): "How _lovely_ of you! So am I
+_delighted_. I _do_ hope we'll meet again _very_, VERY soon, my
+_dearest_ Mrs.--um--er--."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+INADVERTENT
+
+_Prospective Bride:_ "I am glad I decided to be married in a traveling
+dress--a wedding dress costs such a lot."
+
+_Dressmaker:_ "Yes, miss, and the next time you wanted to wear it, it
+would be out of fashion."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MAKING SURE
+
+"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his
+parents."
+
+"I thought he had dozens of your photos."
+
+"Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MORE DESPERATE STILL
+
+_She:_ "Oh! there's no use of my giving you any hope, because I cannot
+believe in love in a cottage."
+
+_He:_ "But I've known cases of love in a four-room flat, with steam-heat
+and all improvements."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SYMPATHY
+
+_The Tabby-Cat:_ "I am just heart-broken! I had six of the loveliest
+kittens, and they went and gave one away!"
+
+_The Parrot:_ "Wasn't it too bad of them--to go and break the set?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+POPULAR OPINION
+
+_First Burglar:_ "Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de leg I broke doin'
+dat second-story job didn't do a t'ing but soak me fifty plunks!"
+
+_Second Burglar:_ "Oh, say, wasn't that robbery?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MORE OPPORTUNITY
+
+_The Wife:_ "Really, my dear, you are awfully extravagant. Our neighbor,
+Mr. Flint, is just twice as self-denying as you are."
+
+_The Husband:_ "But he has just twice as much money to be self-denying
+with."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Jacky, dear, your hands are frightfully dirty."
+
+"Not 'frightfully,' mummy. A lot of that's shading."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Ant:_ "Well, we've struck!"
+
+_The Gnat:_ "What for?"
+
+_The Ant:_ "Longer hours."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Effie:_ "George and I have been down-stairs in the dining-room, Mr.
+Mitcham. We've been playing Husband and Wife!"
+
+_Mr. Mitcham:_ "How did you do that, my dear?"
+
+_Effie:_ "Why, Georgy sat at one end of the table, and I sat at the
+other; and Georgy said, 'This food isn't fit to eat!' and I said, 'It's
+all you'll get!' and Georgy said, 'Damn!' and I got up and left the
+room!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT WHAT SHE MEANT
+
+_She:_ "I am sorry to hear that they have separated. Is there no chance
+of their becoming reconciled?"
+
+_He:_ "Oh, they seem to be _quite_ reconciled."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_He:_ "By the bye, talking of old times, do you remember that occasion
+when I made such an awful ass of myself?"
+
+_She:_ "Which?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Jones_ (_who is of an inquiring mind_): "Ain't you getting _tired_ of
+hearing people say, 'That is the beautiful Miss Belsize!'?"
+
+_Miss Belsize_ (_a professional beauty_): "Oh, no. I'm getting tired of
+hearing people say, 'Is _that_ the beautiful Miss Belsize?'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mrs. Montague Smart_ (_suddenly, to bashful youth, who has not opened
+his lips since he was introduced to her a quarter of an hour ago_): "And
+now let us talk of something else!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mamma:_ "It's very late, Emily. Has anybody taken you down to supper?"
+
+_Fair Debutante_ (_who has a fine healthy appetite_): "Oh, yes,
+Mamma--several people!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Guest:_ "Well, good-bye, Old Man!--and you've really got a very nice
+little place here!"
+
+_Host:_ "Yes; but it's rather bare, just now. I hope the trees will have
+grown a good bit before you're back, Old Man!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_She:_ "No! I can't give you another dance. But I'll introduce you to
+the prettiest girl in the room!"
+
+_He:_ "But I don't _want_ to dance with the prettiest girl in the room.
+I want to dance with _you_!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I warn you, Sir! The discourtesy of this bank is beyond all limits. One
+word more and I--I withdraw my overdraft."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Wife_ (_at upper window_): "Where you bin this hour of the night?"
+
+"I've bin at me union, considerin' this 'ere strike."
+
+"Well--you can stay down there an' consider this 'ere lock-out."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Motor-Launch Officer_ (_who has rung for full-speed without result_):
+"What's the matter?"
+
+_Voice-from below:_ "One of the cylinders is missing, Sir."
+
+_Commander:_ "Well, look sharp and find the bally thing--we want to get
+on."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother:_ "Did you remember to pray for everybody, dear?"
+
+_Daughter:_ "Well, Mummy, I prayed for you, but Jack prayed for Daddy.
+He's looking after him just now."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+JUSTIFICATION
+
+_Wife:_ "_Two_ bottles of ginger ale, dear?"
+
+_He:_ "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our
+wedding-day?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_First Flapper:_ "The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as if I
+hadn't paid any fare."
+
+_Second Flapper:_ "And what did you do?"
+
+_First Flapper:_ "I just glared back at him--as if I had!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mollie_ (_who has been naughty and condemned to "no toast"_): "Oh,
+Mummy! Anything but that! I'd rather have a hard smack--_anywhere you
+like_."
+
+_Lady_ (_to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet dog_): "And if
+you find you can't cure him, Doctor, will you please put him out of
+pain?--and of course you must charge me just as for an ordinary
+patient."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Governess:_ "Well, Mollie, what are little girls made of?"
+
+_Mollie:_ "Sugar and spice and all that's nice."
+
+_Governess:_ "And what are little boys made of?"
+
+_Mollie:_ "Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails. I told Bobbie that
+yesterday, and he could _hardly_ believe it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I say, dear old bean, will you lend me your motor-bike?"
+
+"Of course. Why ask?"
+
+"Well, I couldn't find the beastly thing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Irate Parent:_ "While you stood at the gate bidding my daughter
+good-night, did it ever dawn upon you--"
+
+_The Suitor:_ "Certainly not, sir! I never stayed as late as that."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Wife:_ "My dear, we've simply got to change our family doctor. He's so
+absent-minded. Why, this afternoon he was examining me with his
+stethoscope, and while he was listening he called out suddenly, 'Halloa!
+Who is it speaking?'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mrs. Goodheart:_ "I am soliciting for the poor. What do you do with
+your cast-off clothing?"
+
+_Mr. Hardup:_ "I hang them up carefully and go to bed. Then I put them
+on again in the morning."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"What's the matter, little boy?" said the kindhearted man. "Are you
+lost?"
+
+"No," was the manful answer; "I ain't lost; I'm here. But I'd like to
+know where father and mother have wandered to."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Helen's elder sister:_ "You know, all the stars are worlds like ours."
+
+_Helen:_ "Well, I shouldn't like to live on one--it would be so horrid
+when it twinkled."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Can I 'ave the arternoon off to see a bloke abaht a job fer my missis?"
+
+"You'll be back in the morning, I suppose?"
+
+"Yus--if she don't get it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Child:_ "Mother, I _have_ been good to-day--so patient with Nurse."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The schoolmaster was explaining what to do in case of fire. The pupils
+listened with respectful attention until he came to his final
+instruction.
+
+"Above all things," he said, "if your clothing catches fire, remain
+cool."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Wife:_ "Yes, dear. I thought I'd buy you something you'd never think of
+buying for yourself."
+
+_Husband_ (_as he gazes with horror at the canary-colored socks_): "Yes,
+dear, and you have succeeded."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Podger_ (_to new acquaintance_): "I wonder if that fat old girl is
+really trying to flirt with me?"
+
+_Cooler:_ "I can easily find out by asking her--she is my wife."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Young Husband:_ "It seems to me, my dear, that there is something wrong
+with this cake."
+
+_The Bride_ (_smiling triumphantly_): "That shows what you know about
+it. The cookery book says it's perfectly delicious."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Wife_ (_referring to guest_): "He's a most attractive man; is he
+married?"
+
+_Husband:_ "I dunno. He's a reserved chap--keeps all his troubles to
+himself!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Questioning a class, an inspector asked:
+
+"If you were to say to me, 'You was here yesterday,' would that be
+right?"
+
+"No, sir," was the reply.
+
+"And why not?"
+
+"Please, sir, because you wasn't."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Salesman:_ "Another advantage of this machine, madam, is that it is
+fool-proof."
+
+_Sweet Thing_ (_placidly_): "No doubt, to the ordinary kind. But you
+don't know my husband."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Stage Manager:_ "Now then, we're all ready, run up the curtain."
+
+_The New Hand:_ "Wot yer talkin' about--'run up the curtain'--think I'm
+a bloomin' squirrel?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+
+_Old Gentleman_ (_to new gardener_): "Why do you always pull your barrow
+instead of pushing it?"
+
+_The Gardener:_ "'Cause I 'ates the sight of the blooming thing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"My dear, you're not going to the links to-day?"
+
+"Oh, yes, Auntie. I shall try and put in a round."
+
+"But it's _pouring_! Why, I wouldn't send a dog out to golf in such
+weather."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady_ (_who has purchased a ready-made dress_): "Tiresome this dress
+is. The fasteners come undone as quick as you do them up."
+
+_Cook_ (_acting as lady's-maid_): "Yes'm, they do. That's why I wouldn't
+have it myself when I tried it on at the shop the other day."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HIS REPUTATION
+
+_Waitress:_ "He ain't no good, Lil--he's one of these fellers wot
+chooses the price first an' then runs his fingers along the bill o' fare
+to see wot he gets for it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT UP-TO-DATE
+
+_Penelope:_ "What made George and Alice break their engagement?"
+
+_Clarissa:_ "He complained that she was too 'Effeminate' for the present
+day."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Some wise person once said that silence was golden, did he not?"
+
+"I believe so. Why?"
+
+"I was just thinking how extravagant some women are."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT RESTRICTED
+
+"That gentleman who is being introduced to Miss Binks is a free
+thinker."
+
+"Which is he, a bachelor or a widower?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_John:_ "Yew wait here, Mirandy, while I buy your ticket."
+
+_Mirandy:_ "Daon't yew dew it, John; yew can't say fer _sure_ that the
+train'll show up--I don't never believe in payin' fer a thing 'til I git
+it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Wife:_ "Oh, you needn't sneer! I mean every word I say."
+
+"I'm not sneering, my dear. I'm just thinking what a lot you must mean."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Escort:_ Who's that fellow who seems to know you?
+
+_The Lady:_ Only a second cousin once removed.
+
+_The Escort:_ Hm! Well, he looks as if he wanted removing again.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Voice_ (_far off_): Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo!
+
+_Satiated Camper:_ All right, all right! Who's arguing about it?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A GREAT ATHLETE
+
+Micky Bryan and Patsy Kelly had been schoolmates together, but they had
+drifted apart in after life. They met one day, and the conversation
+turned on athletics.
+
+"Did ye ivir meet my bruther Dennis?" asked Pat. "He has just won a gold
+medal in a foot race."
+
+"Bedad," replied Mike. "Sure, an' thot's foine. But did I ivir tell ye
+about my uncle at Ballycluna?"
+
+"I don't remember," replied Pat.
+
+"Well," said Mike, "he's got a gold medal for five miles, an' one for
+ten miles, two sets of carvers for cycling, a silver medal for swimming,
+two cups for wrestling, an' badges for boxing an' rowing!"
+
+"Begorra," said Pat, "he must have bin a wonderful athlete, indade!"
+
+"Shure, an' he's no athlete at all--at all," came the reply. "He kapes
+the pawnshop!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOTHING NEW TO HIM
+
+The motor car was driven by a determined young woman, who had knocked
+down a man without injuring him much.
+
+She did not try to get away. Instead, she stopped the car, descended to
+the solid earth and faced him manfully.
+
+"I'm sorry it happened," she said grudgingly, "but it was all your
+fault. You must have been walking carelessly. I'm an experienced driver.
+I've been driving a car for seven years."
+
+"Well," replied her victim angrily, "I'm not a novice myself. I've been
+walking for fifty-seven years."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady_ (_to pedlar_): "No, thank you, we never buy anything at the
+door."
+
+_Pedlar:_ "Then I've just the thing for you, Madam. You will, I am sure,
+appreciate these tasteful little 'No Pedlars' notices."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+There is a lot to be said for the cheap car, we read. Yes; but it is
+just as well not to say it when there are women and children around.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mother:_ It is rude to whisper, Humphrey.
+
+_Humphrey_ (_aged five_): Well, I was saying what a funny nose that
+man's got. So you see it would have been much ruder if I'd said it
+aloud.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_She_ (_pouting_): You don't value my kisses as you used to.
+
+_He:_ Value them? Why, before we were married I used to expect a dozen
+in payment for a box of candy, and now I consider only one of them
+sufficient payment for a new dress.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+KNOWLEDGE
+
+The son of the family was home on his first vacation since he had
+attained to the dignity of college prefect. He and his father were
+discussing affairs of the day, and finally the boy remarked: "Say, Guv,
+I hope when I am as old as you are, I'll know more than you do."
+
+"I'll go you one better, my boy," the father replied. "I hope that when
+you are that old you will know as much as you think you do now."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A HUMBLING SIGHT
+
+An old Scotchwoman, who had resisted all entreaties of her friends to
+have her photo taken, was at last induced to employ the services of a
+local artist in order to send her likeness to a son in America. On
+receiving the first impression she failed to recognise the figure
+thereon depicted as herself; so, card in hand, she set out for the
+artist's studio to ask if there was no mistake.
+
+"Is that me?" she queried.
+
+"Yes, madam," replied the artist.
+
+"And is it like me?" she again asked.
+
+"Yes, madam; it's a speaking likeness."
+
+"Aweel!" she said, resignedly, "it's a humblin' sicht."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Dollie:_ Yes, Miss Fethers is a pretty girl, but she doesn't wear very
+well.
+
+_Pollie_ (_kindly_): I know, but the poor thing wears the best she has,
+I suppose.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TROUBLESOME CUSTOMER
+
+A woman who had visited every department of one of the big London shops
+and worried the majority of the salesmen without spending a penny, so
+exasperated one of them that he ventured to make a mild protest.
+"Madam," he asked, "are you shopping here?"
+
+The lady looked surprised, but not by any means annoyed. "Certainly!"
+she replied. "What else should I be doing?"
+
+For a moment the salesman hesitated; then he blurted out, "Well, madam,
+I thought perhaps you were taking an inventory!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Officer_ (_to sailor who has rescued him from drowning_): Thank you,
+Smith. To-morrow I will thank you before all the crew at retreat.
+
+_Sailor:_ Don't do that, sir, they'll half kill me!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Steward:_ Can I do anything for you, sir?
+
+_Passenger_ (_faintly_): You might present my compliments to the chief
+engineer and ask him if there is any hope of the boilers blowing up.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady_ (_to box office manager_): Can you tell me what they are playing
+to-morrow night?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Box Office Manager:_ "You Never Can Tell," Madam.
+
+_Lady:_ Don't they even let you know?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Village Idiot:_ Beg pardon, mam, seeing you're painting the church, I
+thought I'd better tell you the clock is ten minutes fast.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Employer_ (_rebuking employee for slackness_): Have you any idea of the
+meaning of "Esprit de Corps"?
+
+_Stenographer:_ No, I haven't, and if it's anything vulgar I don't want
+to.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Sympathetic Lady:_ What's the matter with your hand, my little man?
+
+_Boy:_ Sawed the top of my finger off.
+
+_Sympathetic Lady:_ Dear, dear, how did you do that?
+
+_Boy:_ Sawing.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+REMEMBERED
+
+Blinks, after inviting his friend, Jinks, who has just returned from
+abroad, to dinner, is telling him what a fine memory his little son
+Bobby has.
+
+"And do you suppose he will remember me?" said Jinks.
+
+"Remember you? Why, he remembers every face that he ever saw."
+
+An hour later they entered the house, and after Jinks had shaken hands
+with Mrs. Blinks, he calls Bobby over to him.
+
+"And do you remember me, my little man?"
+
+"Course I do. You're the same man that pa brought home last summer, and
+ma was so wild about it that she didn't speak to pa for a whole week."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NATURAL DEDUCTION
+
+"The man that argues with a woman is a fool," said Mr. Gadspur.
+
+"I agree with you," said Mr. Twobble.
+
+"And if he expects to have the last word he's an even bigger fool."
+
+"Quite so, quite so. What did you and the 'Missus' quarrel about this
+morning?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOO GOOD
+
+"Well, Alice," said a Southern woman to a coloured girl formerly in her
+employ, "I hear that you have married."
+
+"Yassum, Ah done got me a husband now."
+
+"Is he a good provider, Alice?"
+
+"Yassum. He's powerful good provider, but Ah's powerful skeered he's
+gwine git catched at it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+AN ERROR IN JUDGMENT
+
+_Mother:_ "What! Have you been fighting again, Johnnie? Good little boys
+don't fight."
+
+_Johnnie:_ "Yes, I know that. I thought he was a good little boy, but
+after I hit him once, I found he wasn't."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TEACHING THE YOUNG IDEA
+
+Little Willie looked up from the paper he had been reading, and inquired
+of his father:
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Dad, who was Mozart?"
+
+"Good gracious, boy! You don't know that!" indignantly returned his
+parent. "Go and read your Shakespeare."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HE TAKES YOUR TIME
+
+"The chief objection we have to the man who 'knows it all,'" remarked
+the Observer of Events and Things, "is that he insists that everyone he
+knows shall know it all, too."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE FLOOR HELD
+
+"Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?" asked one man of his
+friend.
+
+"Sure," was the answer. "Did you think it would go through?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HIS DIFFICULTY
+
+_Real Estate Agent:_ "This tobacco plantation is a bargain. I don't see
+why you hesitate. What are you worrying about?"
+
+_Prospective, but Inexperienced, Purchaser:_ "I was just wondering
+whether I should plant cigars or cigarettes."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE REAL JOB
+
+"What's this new conference they're going to have in America?"
+
+"Oh, they're going to make peace among the Allies."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+OFF LIKE A SHOT
+
+It was a case of attempted murder, in which the prisoner was accused of
+having fired twice at his intended victim. One of the witnesses for the
+prosecution was being severely cross-examined by the defending counsel.
+
+"You say that you heard both shots fired?" he asked sternly.
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"How near were you to the scene of the affair?"
+
+"At the time the first shot was fired I was about twenty feet from the
+prisoner."
+
+"Twenty feet. Humph! Now tell the court how far you were off when you
+heard the second shot."
+
+"Well, sir," replied the witness slowly, "I didn't exactly measure the
+distance; but, speaking approximately, I should say about half a mile."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ANSWERED
+
+_She:_ "And what would you be now if it weren't for my money?"
+
+_He:_ "A bachelor."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TO BE SURE
+
+_Lily:_ "Harold proposed to me last night while turning the music for me
+at the piano."
+
+_Edith:_ "Ah, I see, dear; you played right into his hands!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A CLOSE CALL
+
+Pat was a simple country yokel who had never strayed from the outskirts
+of his native village, and because he stood in a railway station for the
+first time of his life, his amazement was great.
+
+The vastness of his surroundings completely dazzled him, but when the
+3.30 express dashed through the station, that did it. He kept his eyes
+glued on the tunnel through which it had disappeared, staring after it
+as though some kind of miracle had happened. He remained like this for
+several minutes, much to the amusement of the onlookers, until at length
+an inquisitive porter asked him what he was staring at.
+
+"Oi was just thinkun'," he said, pulling himself together, "what a
+terribal smash there'd 'a' bin if he'd 'a' missed the 'ole!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Breathless Visitor:_ Doctor, can you help me? My name is Jones----
+
+_Doctor:_ No, I'm sorry; I simply can't do anything for that.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+They were talking over the days that will never return, so they
+asserted; the days when there was no thirst in the land. But they had
+particular reference to the old state militia camp of long ago. For be
+it known, there was much taken to camp in those days that had little to
+do with military training, and it was carried in capacious jugs and big
+bottles. Everybody expected his city friends to run down to the camp,
+and be called upon to act as an assuager of thirst. "The year I have
+reference to," said one of the old-timers, "was a notably wet one. The
+first night in camp everybody seemed to be bent on sampling what
+everybody else had brought down from the city. The result was that when
+the company of which I was a member was ordered to fall in the next
+morning to answer the roll-call there was a pretty wobbly line-up. We
+had a new sergeant--new to the routine of a camp, and after he had
+checked up he should have reported, 'Sir, the company is present and
+accounted for.' Instead he got rattled and said, 'Sir, the company is
+full.' Our captain, looking us over, sarcastically remarked, 'I should
+say as much, full as a tick.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+READY AND WILLING
+
+_Magistrate:_ "Can't this case be settled out of court?"
+
+_Mulligan:_ "Sure, sure; that's what we were trying to do, your honor,
+when the police interfered."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An old darky visited a doctor and received instructions as to what he
+should do. Shaking his head, he was about to leave the office, when the
+doctor called out "Hey, there, uncle, you forgot to pay me." "Pay you
+fo' what, boss?" "For my advice." "Nossuh, boss," said Rastus, shuffling
+out. "I'se compluntated it from all angles and decided not to take it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An airman had been taking up passengers for short trips, and by the time
+his last trip came was absolutely fed up by being asked silly questions.
+He told his passengers, two ladies, that on no account were they to
+speak to him; that he could not talk and give his attention to his
+machine, and that they must keep silent. Up they went, and the airman
+quite enjoyed himself. He looped the loop and practiced all sorts of
+stunts to his own satisfaction with no interruption from his passengers
+until he felt a touch on his arm. "What is it?" he said impatiently.
+"I'm so sorry to trouble you," said a voice behind, "and I know I
+oughtn't to speak. I do apologize sincerely, but I can't help it. I
+thought perhaps you ought to know Annie's gone."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Chloe:_ I sho' mighter knowed I gwine have bad luck if I do dat washin'
+on Friday.
+
+_Daphne:_ What bad luck done come to you?
+
+_Chloe:_ I sen' home dat pink silk petticoat wid de filly aidge what I
+was gwine keep out to wear to chu'ch on Sunday.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The professor was deeply absorbed in some scientific subject when the
+nurse announced the arrival of a boy. "What--who?" stammered the
+professor absently. "Why interrupt me--isn't my wife at home?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SARCASM
+
+Everything that could be done to make the great unemployed meeting a
+success had been accomplished. A large hall, and a good speaker had been
+engaged.
+
+When the latter arrived he seemed in a crabby frame of mind. Looking
+round, he beckoned the chairman.
+
+"I should like to have a glass of water on my table, if you please," he
+said.
+
+"To drink?" was the chairman's idiotic question.
+
+"Oh, no," was the sarcastic retort, "when I've been speaking
+half-an-hour I do a high dive."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NONE AT ALL
+
+Sandy had gone to the station to see his cousin off.
+
+"Mac," he said, "ye micht like to leave me a bob or twa tae drink ye a
+safe journey."
+
+"Mon, I canna," was the reply. "A' my spare cash I gie tae my auld
+mither."
+
+"That's strange! Your mither said you niver gave her anything!"
+
+"Well, if I dinna gie my auld mither anything, what sort of chance d'ye
+think you've got?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ART AND NATURE
+
+_Husband:_ "What was that you were playing, my dear?"
+
+_Wife:_ "Did you like it?"
+
+"It was lovely--the melody divine, the harmony exquisite!"
+
+"It is the very thing I played last evening, and you said it was
+horrid."
+
+"Well, the steak was burnt last evening."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MISUNDERSTOOD
+
+_Mistress:_ "Don't call them jugs, Mary; they're ewers."
+
+_Maid:_ "Oh, thank you, ma'am. And are all them little basins mine,
+too?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+ALL BRAINS
+
+A gentleman who was walking through a public gallery, where a number of
+artists were at work, overheard the following amusing conversation
+between a big, heavy-looking man, who was painting on a large picture,
+and a weak-looking little cripple, who, limping over to where he sat,
+looked over his shoulder for a few minutes, and said timidly:
+
+"I beg your pardon, sir, may I ask what medium you paint with?"
+
+"Brains," shouted the other in a voice of thunder.
+
+"Oh, indeed! That accounts for its fogginess," which caused a roar of
+laughter.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THIRTEEN TO ONE
+
+Just before the service the clergyman was called into the vestibule by a
+young couple, who asked that he should marry them. He answered he had
+not time then, but that if they would wait until after the sermon he
+would be glad to do so. Accordingly, just before the end of the service,
+he announced:
+
+"Will those who wish to be married to-day please come forward?"
+
+Thirteen women and one man quickly stepped up.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A GOOD ACTOR
+
+_Neighbour:_ "I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm."
+
+_Farmer:_ "Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he was
+working the last week he was here."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOO SAD FOR THAT
+
+A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the village inn.
+
+"This place boasts of a choral society, doesn't it?" he asked.
+
+The innkeeper looked pained.
+
+"We don't boast about it," he replied, in low, sad tones. "We endure it
+with all the calm resignation we can!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog that looked as
+if his bite might be quite as bad as his bark. "Why, Percy," she
+exclaimed as he started a strategic retreat, "you always swore you would
+face death for me." "I would," he flung back over his shoulder, "but
+that darn dog ain't dead."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Wife_ (_enthusiastically_): I saw the most gorgeous chiffonier to-day,
+dear. But, of course, I know we can not afford----
+
+_Hubby_ (_resignedly_): When have they promised to deliver it?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+REALISED
+
+_Lawyer:_ "When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate."
+
+_Client:_ "You're in luck. It isn't every man who can realise the dreams
+of his youth."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NEVER MISS ONE
+
+_Elder sister:_ "Oh, you fancy yourself very wise, I dare say; but I
+could give you a wrinkle or two."
+
+_Younger sister:_ "No doubt--and never miss them."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A BAD NIGHT
+
+The boy who had "made good" in town asked his old mother to come to
+London. He gave the old lady the best room in the hotel--one with a
+private bath adjoining. The next morning the boy asked:
+
+"Did you have a good night's rest?"
+
+"Well, no, I didn't," she replied. "The room was all right, and the bed
+was pretty. But I couldn't sleep very much, for I was afraid someone
+would want to take a bath, and the only way to it was through my room!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TRIPPED
+
+The shaded lights, music in the distance, sweet perfumes from the costly
+flowers about them--everything was just right for a proposal, and
+Timkins decided to chance his luck. She was pretty, which was good, and
+also, he believed, an heiress, which was better.
+
+"Are you not afraid that someone will marry you for your money?" he
+asked gently.
+
+"Oh! dear, no," smiled the girl. "Such an idea never entered my head!"
+
+"Ah! Miss Liscombe," he sighed, "in your sweet innocence you do not
+dream how coldly, cruelly mercenary some men are!"
+
+"Perhaps I don't," replied the girl calmly.
+
+"I would not for a moment have such a terrible fate befall you," he said
+passionately. "You are too good--too beautiful. The man who wins you
+should love you for yourself alone."
+
+"He'll have to," the girl remarked. "It's my cousin Jennie who has the
+money--not I. You seem to have got us mixed. I haven't a penny myself."
+
+"Oh--er!" stammered the young man, "what pleasant weather we are having,
+aren't we?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE GLOOMY GUEST
+
+The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking
+young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about
+as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself
+to cheer him up.
+
+"Er--have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of introduction.
+
+"Not lately," replied the gloomy one, with a faraway expression.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Why did you take Meyerbeer off the dinner card?"
+
+"People kept thinking it was something to drink."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A well-known admiral--a stickler for uniform--stopped opposite a very
+portly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down. Fixing
+the man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that medal for
+eating, my man?" On the man replying "No, sir," the admiral rapped out:
+"Then why the deuce do you wear it on your stomach?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_First Little Girl:_ What's your last name, Annie?
+
+_Second Little Girl:_ Don't know yet; I ain't married.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Kloseman:_ I didn't see you in church last Sunday.
+
+_Keen:_ Don't doubt it. I took up the collection.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A Southern family had a coal-black cook named Sarah, and when her
+husband was killed in an accident Sarah appeared on the day of the
+funeral dressed in a sable outfit except in one respect. "Why, Sarah,"
+said her mistress, "what made you get white gloves?" Sarah drew herself
+up and said in tones of dignity, "Don't you s'pose I wants dem niggahs
+to see dat I'se got on gloves?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Dad_ (_sternly_): Where were you last night?
+
+_Son:_ Oh, just riding around with some of the boys.
+
+_Dad:_ Well, tell 'em not to leave their hairpins in the car.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Said the guest, upon approaching his host's home in the suburb, "Ah,
+there are some of your family on the veranda. The girl in short dresses
+is your daughter, the young man in riding breeches is your son, and the
+woman in the teagown is your charming wife." Said the host: "No, you are
+all wrong. The girl in the short dresses is my grandmother, the young
+fellow in riding breeches is my wife, and the woman in the teagown is my
+ten-year-old daughter, who likes to dress up in her great-grandmother's
+dresses."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A bumptious young American farmer went to England to learn his business,
+but where he went he pretended that it was far easier to teach the
+farmers than to learn anything from them. "I've got an idea," he said
+one day to a grizzled old Northumbrian agriculturist, "for a new kind of
+fertilizer which will be ten thousand times as effective as any that has
+ever been tried. Condensed fertilizer--that's what it is. Enough for an
+acre of ground would go in one of my waistcoat pockets." "I don't doubt
+it, young gentleman," said the veteran of the soil. "What is more,
+you'll be able to put the crop into the other waistcoat pocket."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Weary Willie slouched into the pawnshop. "How much will you give me for
+this overcoat?" he asked, producing a faded but neatly mended garment.
+Isaac looked at it critically. "Four dollars," he said.
+
+"Why," cried Weary Willie, "that coat's worth ten dollars if it's worth
+a penny.'"
+
+"I wouldn't give you ten dollars for two like that," sniffed Isaac.
+"Four dollars or nothing."
+
+"Are you sure that's all it's worth?" asked Weary Willie.
+
+"Four dollars," repeated Isaac.
+
+"Well, here's yer four dollars," said Weary Willie. "This overcoat was
+hangin' outside yer shop, and I was wonderin' how much it was really
+worth."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT IN THE BUSINESS
+
+"I'm not quite sure about your washing-machine. Will you demonstrate it
+again?"
+
+"No, madam. We only do one week's washing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HER VIEWS
+
+_Mrs. de Vere:_ "I suppose now that you have been abroad, you have your
+own views of foreign life!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Mrs. Profiteer: "No, we ain't got no views. We didn't take no camera;
+it's so common."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A GOOD MATCH
+
+_Proprietor:_ "What made that customer walk out? Did you offend him?"
+
+_Assistant:_ "I don't know. He said he wanted a hat to suit his head and
+I showed him a soft hat."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+LIFE'S BIGGEST PROBLEM
+
+_Old Job:_ "The best way to get the most out of life is to fall in love
+with a great problem or a beautiful woman!"
+
+_Old Steve:_ "Why not choose the latter and get both?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_He_ (_just introduced_): What a very homely person that gentleman near
+the piano is, Mrs. Black!
+
+_She:_ Isn't he? That is Mr. Black.
+
+_He:_ How true it is, Mrs. Black, that the homely men always get the
+prettiest wives!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A customer entered the small-town barber shop. "How soon can you cut my
+hair?" he asked of the proprietor, who was seated in an easy chair,
+perusing the pages of a novel.
+
+"Bill," said the barber, addressing his errand boy, "run over and tell
+the editor if he's done editin' the paper I'd like my scissors."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Pompous Publisher_ (_to aspiring novice in literature_): I have been
+reading your manuscript, my dear lady, and there is much in it, I
+think--ahem!--very good. But there are parts somewhat vague. Now, you
+should always write so that the most ignorant can understand.
+
+_Youthful Authoress_ (_wishing to show herself most ready to accept
+advice_): Oh, yes, I'm sure. But, tell me, which are the parts that have
+given you trouble?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+FISHY RECORD
+
+_First Stenog._ (_reading_): "Think of those Spaniards going 3,000 miles
+on a galleon!"
+
+_Second Stenog.:_ "Aw, forget it. Yuh can't believe all yuh hear about
+them foreign cars."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A group of tourists were looking over the inferno of Vesuvius in full
+eruption. "Ain't this just like hell?" ejaculated a Yank.
+
+"Ah, zese Americans," exclaimed a Frenchman, "where have zey not been?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you."
+
+"Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down,' he's a Boston terrier."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady:_ Well, what do you want?
+
+_Tramp:_ Leddy, believe me, I'm no ordinary beggar. I was at the
+front----
+
+_Lady_ (_with interest_): Really----
+
+_Tramp:_ Yes, ma'am; but I couldn't make anybody hear, so I came round
+to the back.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"The doctor has ordered her to the seashore. Now they're having a
+consultation."
+
+"Of doctors?"
+
+"Of dressmakers."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"You discharged your office boy?"
+
+"Yes," said Dr. Dubwaite. "He never did anything but stand around and
+look wise."
+
+"I guess you've seen the last of him."
+
+"I don't know about that. He may turn up here some day as an efficiency
+expert."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"But why don't you think he will propose soon?"
+
+"Well, he gave me a box of stationery yesterday with my initials on
+it--such a lot, so I know it's all over between us."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+PERFECT AGREEMENT
+
+_Mother:_ "Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can't you
+agree once in a while?"
+
+_Georgia:_ "We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do
+I."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_She:_ Jack is in love with you.
+
+_Her:_ Nonsense!
+
+_She:_ That's what I said when I heard it.
+
+_Her:_ How dared you!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Professor_ (_endeavoring to impress on class the definition of cynic_):
+Young man, what would you call a man who pretends to know everything?
+
+_Senior:_ A professor!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A young lady who was inspecting bicycles, said to the clerk:
+
+"What's the name of this wheel?"
+
+"That is the Belvedere," answered the salesman.
+
+He was rewarded by a stony glance and the icy question:
+
+"Can you recommend the Belva?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"What this country needs is more production."
+
+"What this country needs," replied Farmer Corntassel, with a slight
+trace of irritation, "is less talk about what it needs and more
+enthusiasm about deliverin' the goods."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BOTTLED COURAGE
+
+"Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face?"
+
+"My dear sir," said the bootlegger, with a pained expression. "This
+stuff will make a tenant snap his fingers under his landlord's nose."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you suppose that will cause
+him to take more interest in his business?" asked Mr. Piglatch.
+
+"I don't know whether he will take more interest in his business," said
+Mr. Peckton, thoughtfully, "but his wife will."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+IT WORKED
+
+A tramp entered a baker's, shivering piteously.
+
+"A loaf, please, mum," he said, placing the money on the counter. The
+woman gave him one. As he took it, he said with shaking voice:
+
+"Where's the nearest hospital, mum, please?"
+
+"The nearest hospital!" she ejaculated.
+
+"Yes, mum, I'm feeling bad. I believe I'm sickening for something; the
+scarlet fever, I think."
+
+"What!" she shrieked. "Get out of my shop."
+
+He turned to obey.
+
+"Here, take your money back," she said. He did so; and, offering the
+bread, said humbly:
+
+"You'll take yer loaf, won't yer, mum?"
+
+"Get out of my shop."
+
+He crawled out, and with bowed head went around the corner. Presently,
+another mountain of misery joined him.
+
+"Well, Bill?" he said.
+
+"Right oh! 'Enery," came the answer. "It worked a treat. Now you do it
+fer a bit o' bacon, and then we can have lunch."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+FILM FEVER
+
+_Nurse:_ "You were very naughty in church, Guy. Do you know where little
+boys and girls go to who don't put their pennies in the collection box?"
+
+_Guy:_ "Yes, nurse; to the pictures."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE DRUGGIST'S TURN
+
+The druggist danced and chortled till the bottles danced on the shelves.
+
+"What's up?" asked the soda clerk. "Have you been taking something?"
+
+"No. But do you remember when our water pipes were frozen last winter?"
+
+"Yes, but what--"
+
+"Well, the plumber who fixed them has just come in to have a
+prescription filled."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WRONG BROTHER
+
+A wealthy gentleman has a brother who is hard of hearing, while he
+himself is remarkable for having a very prominent nose.
+
+Once, this gentleman dined at a friend's house, where he sat between two
+young ladies who talked to him very loudly, rather to his annoyance.
+
+Finally one of them shouted a commonplace remark and then said in an
+ordinary tone to the other:
+
+"Did you ever see such an ugly nose?"
+
+"Pardon me, ladies," said the gentleman. "It is my brother who is deaf."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy
+about telling the voters why they should send him to Washington. "I am a
+practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting. "I can plow,
+reap, milk cows, shoe a horse--in fact, I should like you to tell me one
+thing about a farm which I can not do." Then, in the impressive
+silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Doctor:_ "You are a great deal better this morning, I see. You followed
+my directions, and that prescription did the business--what, you haven't
+taken any of it?"
+
+_Patient:_ "No; it says on the label, 'Keep the bottle tightly corked.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"And about the salary?" said the movie star.
+
+"Well," said the manager, "suppose we call it $5,000 a week."
+
+"All right."
+
+"Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we call
+it--you will get $500."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Prospective Employer:_ I suppose you have some experience of live
+stock?
+
+_Applicant for Post:_ Well, I ain't ever looked after 'orses, nor milked
+cows, and never 'andled poultry; but I've bred canaries.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch
+whiskey. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along
+came a Ford which he did not sidestep quite in time. It threw him down
+and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road.
+Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his
+leg.
+
+"Oh, Lord," he groaned, "I hope that's blood!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mr. Graham:_ "Do you know, Miss F., if I had my way, I'd put every
+woman in jail!"
+
+_Miss F.:_ "Why, Mr. Graham, I'm surprised. I didn't know you felt that
+way about us! What sort of a nation do you think this would be, if you
+put all the women in jail?"
+
+_Mr. Graham:_ "Stag-nation, of course!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GUILTY
+
+_Sister:_ "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him
+of something I did before we were married."
+
+_Brother:_ "Well, the best thing you can do is to confess."
+
+_Sister:_ "I know it, but he won't let me read the letter and I don't
+know what to confess."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I'd like to see the man who could persuade me to promise to love,
+honour and obey him," said Miss Wellontheway.
+
+"I don't blame you," remarked the newly-made bride.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Huh! Yuh talks 'bout sassiety like yuh knows so much 'bout it. Niggah,
+I bet dey don' eben have evenin' dresses whah yuh come frum."
+
+"Zat so? Dey's doin' well to have evenin's whah yuh come frum."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Second-story Worker:_ "Hullo, Bill, I see you got a new overcoat. What
+did it cost you?"
+
+_Burglar:_ "Six months. I never wears cheap clothes!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The sweet young thing was being shown through the boiler shop.
+
+"What's that thing?" she asked, pointing with a dainty parasol.
+
+"That's an engine boiler," said the guide.
+
+"And why do they boil engines?" she inquired.
+
+"To make the engine tender," replied the resourceful guide.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+He was a Scot, with the usual characteristics of his race. Wishing to
+know his fate, he telegraphed a proposal of marriage to the girl of his
+choice. After waiting all day at the telegraph office he received the
+affirmative answer late at night.
+
+"Well, if I were you," said the operator, "I'd think twice before I
+married the girl who kept me waiting for an answer so long."
+
+"Na, Na?" said the Scot. "The girl for me is the girl who waits for the
+night rates."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOO ENTHUSIASTIC
+
+_Wifey:_ "Henry, do you think me an angel?"
+
+_Hubby:_ "Why, certainly, my dear. I'm very enthusiastic. I think all
+women are angels!"
+
+"You needn't be so enthusiastic as all that!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BAD BOTH WAYS
+
+_Dobb:_ "What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"
+
+_Botham:_ "My wife put it there to remind me to post her letter."
+
+"And did you post it?"
+
+"No; she forgot to give it to me!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HIS LITTLE MISTAKE
+
+A certain country vicar who used to distribute books to his parishioners
+as reading material, one day, deciding to surprise them, gave them each
+a Bible neatly wrapped up in brown paper. A few days later he called
+round on each of his flock, and the first place he called at was the
+village butcher's.
+
+"Well, Mr. Simson," he said, "how did you like that little book I gave
+you the other day?"
+
+Simson was rather taken aback at the query, for, truth to tell, the
+little book still remained in its brown paper wrapping somewhere under
+the counter.
+
+"Splendid!" lied Simson bravely, "but," he added, in a burst of
+confidence, "it ended like they all end."
+
+"Oh!" exclaimed the vicar, "in what way?"
+
+And Simson, thinking he was on safe ground, replied, "Why, they lived
+happy ever after."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Your wife looks stunning to-night. Her gown is a poem."
+
+"What do you mean, poem?" replied the struggling author. "That gown is
+two poems and a short story."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOUGH ON THE SENATOR
+
+The Senator was back home, looking after his political fences, and asked
+the minister about some of his old acquaintances.
+
+"How is old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see him
+to-day?"
+
+"You'll never see Mr. Jones again," said the minister. "He has gone to
+heaven."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+REDEEMING TRAIT
+
+"I know I'm old, but I'm crazy about you," stated Mr. Moneybags. "When I
+go I'll leave all my fortune to you if you'll have me."
+
+"Have you any bad habits?" asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully.
+
+"Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call that a bad habit."
+
+"You dear old thing. Of course I'll marry you. And we'll have our
+honeymoon on the top floor of some tall hotel, won't we?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+OFF
+
+There was a distinct air of chastened resignation about him, as he
+penned the following note:
+
+"Dear Miss Brown,--I return herewith your kind note in which you accept
+my offer of marriage. I would draw your attention to the fact that it
+begins 'Dear George.' I do not know who George is, but my name, as you
+will remember, is Thomas."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT A FATHER
+
+A Protestant Episcopal clergyman was walking down a city street wearing
+the garb of his profession. He was seen by two Irish boys.
+
+"Good morning, Father," said one of the boys.
+
+"Hush, he ain't no father," said the other, "he's got a wife and two
+kids."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WEDDING DECLARED OFF
+
+_John Willie_ (_pleadingly_): "Why can't we be married right away,
+Elsie?"
+
+_Elsie_ (_coyly_): "Oh, I can't bear to leave father alone just now."
+
+_John Willie_ (_earnestly_): "But, my darling, he has had you such a
+very long time."
+
+_Elsie_ (_freezingly_): "Sir!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+PERHAPS!
+
+"You are a little goose!" remarked a young M.D. playfully to the girl he
+was engaged to marry.
+
+"Of course I am," was the laughing response; "haven't I got a quack?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A Northern man in an optician's shop in Nashville overheard
+an amusing conversation between the proprietor of the establishment and
+an aged darkey who was just leaving the place with a pair of new
+spectacles. As the old fellow neared the door his eye lighted upon an
+extraordinary-looking instrument conspicuously placed upon a counter.
+The venerable negro paused for several moments to gaze in open-mouthed
+wonder at this thing, the like of which he had never seen before. After
+a long struggle with his curiosity he was vanquished. Turning to the
+optician, he asked: "What is it, boss?" "That is an opthalmometer,"
+replied the optician in his gravest manner. "Sho," muttered the old man
+to himself, as he backed out of the door, his eyes still fastened upon
+the curious-looking thing on the counter. "Sho, dat's what I was afeared
+it was!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+In many of the rural districts of the United States where money does not
+circulate with great rapidity services are paid for "in kind." Farmers,
+for example, will give potatoes, eggs, etc., in payment for debts. A
+young surgeon who had occasion to operate in one of these districts
+hopefully approached the husband of the patient and asked for his fee,
+which amounted to $100. "Doc," said the old man, "I haven't much ready
+cash on hand. Suppose you let me pay you in kind." "Well, I guess that
+will be all right," replied the young doctor, cheerfully. "What do you
+deal in?" "Horseradish, doc," answered the old man.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The ferryboat was well on her way when a violent storm arose. The
+ferryman and his mate, both Highlanders, held a consultation, and after
+a short debate the ferryman turned to his passengers and remarked,
+anxiously: "We'll just tak' your tuppences now, for we dinna ken what
+micht come over us."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NO DOUBT
+
+"Lend me ten, Tom."
+
+"I think not."
+
+"You won't?"
+
+"I won't."
+
+"You've no doubt of my character, have you?"
+
+"I haven't."
+
+"Well, why won't you, then?"
+
+"Because I have no doubt of your character."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Officer_ (_drilling recruits_): Hey, you, in case of fire, what do you
+do?
+
+_Recruit:_ I yell.
+
+_Officer:_ Yell what?
+
+_Recruit:_ Why, what do you suppose? Cease firing.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Doctor_ (_at door, to butler_): Tell your master the doctor is here.
+
+_Butler:_ The master is in great pain, sir. He is receiving nobody.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Young Woman_ (_holding out hand_): Will you please tell me how to
+pronounce the name of the stone in this ring? Is it turkoise or
+turkwoise?
+
+_Jeweler_ (_after inspecting it_): The correct pronunciation is "glass."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Once, in a rush season, an office boy was kept working overtime for
+several nights. He didn't like it, and growled to his boss: "You've kept
+me workin' every night till 9 o'clock for three nights runnin' now, and
+I'm worn out, Mr. Brown. I ain't no machine. I can't go forever." His
+boss gave a hard laugh. "Wrong!" he said. "Wrong, my boy. You go forever
+next pay day."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The bellboy of the Welcome Hotel has invented an ingenious system of
+calling sleepy guests. The other night a man left instructions that he
+wished to be called early. Next morning he was disturbed by a loud
+tattoo upon the door. "Well?" he demanded sharply. "I've got a message
+for you, sir." Yawning until he strained his face, the guest jumped out
+of bed and unlocked the door. The bellboy handed him an envelope and
+then went away quickly. The guest opened the envelope, and took out a
+slip of paper bearing the words: "It's time to get up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A negro was brought before a justice of the peace. He was suspected of
+stealing. There were no witnesses, but appearances were against him. The
+following dialogue took place:
+
+"You've stolen no chickens?"
+
+"No, sah."
+
+"Have you stolen any geese?"
+
+"No, sah."
+
+"Any turkeys?"
+
+"No, sah."
+
+The man was discharged. As he stepped out of the dock he stopped before
+the justice and said with a broad grin, "Fo' de Lawd, squire, if you'd
+said ducks you'd 'a' had me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A little boy, the youngest member of a large family, was taken to see
+his married sister's new baby. He seemed more interested in the contents
+of the baby's basket than in the baby, and after examining the pretty
+trifles, picked up a powder-puff. Much surprised at his discovery, and
+looking rather shocked, he said, "Isn't she rather young for that sort
+of thing?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE ALLEGED HUMORISTS
+
+"I can read my husband like a book."
+
+"Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole
+a kiss."
+
+"What did she say?"
+
+"Will that be all?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NO KICK COMING
+
+_Merchant:_ Look here, that safe you sold me last month you said was a
+burglar-proof safe, and I found it cracked this morning and rifled of
+its contents.
+
+_Agent:_ Well, isn't that proof that you've had a burglar?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NO NONSENSE ABOUT IT
+
+The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the patients in the local
+hospital. When he entered Ward No. 2, he came across a pale-looking man
+lying in a cot, heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and after
+administering a few words of comfort to the unfortunate sufferer, he
+remarked in cheering tones:
+
+"Never mind, my man, you'll soon be all right. Keep on smiling; that's
+the way in the world."
+
+"I shall never smile again," replied the youth, sadly.
+
+"Nonsense!" ejaculated the vicar.
+
+"There ain't no nonsense about it!" exclaimed the other, heatedly. "It's
+through smiling at another chap's girl that I'm here now."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOO TRUE
+
+_Screen Actress:_ I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I
+cannot act to-day.
+
+_Manager:_ Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you a
+certificate saying that you never could act.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CONSERVATIVE
+
+He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout
+boots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came
+into the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficulty
+in getting what he wanted.
+
+A dozen, two dozen, three dozen pairs were brought and shown him.
+
+"No, no! Square toes--must have square toes," he insisted.
+
+"But, sir, everybody is wearing shoes with pointed toes. They are
+fashionable this season."
+
+"I'm sorry," said the stout man gravely, as he got up and prepared to
+leave the shop. "I'm very sorry to have troubled you, I'm sure. But, you
+see, I'm still wearing my last season's feet!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HE HAD HEARD OF THEM
+
+It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying to
+cook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed him
+how to make a quick-cooking fire, saying: "Look at the time you are
+wasting. When I was in the Himalayas I often had to hunt my breakfast. I
+used to go about two miles in the jungle, shoot my food, skin or pluck
+it, then cook and eat it, and return to the camp under half an hour."
+Then he unwisely added, "Of course, you will have heard of the
+Himalayas?"
+
+"Yes, sir," replied the young soldier, "and also of Ananias and George
+Washington."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mr. Goodsole:_ "Well, what do you want?"
+
+_Benny the Bum:_ "I wanna know kin I borry a red lantern off'n you? I
+find I gotta sleep in the street to-night an' I'll harfta warn the
+traffic to drive aroun' me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WHAT DID HE MEAN?
+
+A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish clerk sent him out to
+do some collecting. When he returned from an unsuccessful trip he
+reported:
+
+"Yim Yonson say he vill pay ven he sells his hogs. Yim Olson he vill pay
+ven he sell his wheat and Bill Pack say he vill pay in Yanuary."
+
+"Well," said the boss, "that's the first time Bill ever set a date to
+pay. Did he really say he would pay in January?"
+
+"Vell, aye tank so," said the clerk, "he said it bane a dam cold day ven
+you get that money. Aye tank that bane in Yanuary."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TRUE TO LIFE
+
+Sandy had been photographed, and as he was looking intently at his
+"picter" Ian MacPherson came along.
+
+"What's that ye hev there?" he asked.
+
+"My photygraph," replied Sandy, showing it proudly. "Whit d'ye think o'
+it?"
+
+"Man, it's fine!" exclaimed Ian, in great admiration. "It's just like
+ye, tae. An' whit micht the like o' they cost?"
+
+"I dinna' ken," replied Sandy. "I hinna' paid yet."
+
+"Mon," said Ian, more firmly than ever. "It's awful like ye."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WHAT HE PREFERRED
+
+"And did you say you preferred charges against this man?" asked the
+Judge, looking over his gold-rimmed spectacles.
+
+"No, Your Honour," was the quick reply of the man to whom money was
+owed; "I prefer the cash!"
+
+"Wot was the last card Oi dealt ye, Moike?"
+
+"A spade."
+
+"Oi knew ut! Oi saw ye spit on yer hands before ye picked it up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+During the period after the university examinations, when an unusually
+large number of students flunked, one of the boys went to his professor,
+and said: "I don't think this is fair, sir; I don't think I should have
+a zero on this examination."
+
+"I know it," replied the professor, "but we do not have any mark lower
+than that."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The long-suffering professor smothered his wrath and went down into the
+cellar. "Are you the plumber?" he inquired of a grimy-looking person who
+was tinkering with the pipes.
+
+"Yes, guv'nor," he answered.
+
+"Been in the trade long?"
+
+"'Bout a year, guv'nor."
+
+"Ever made any mistakes?"
+
+"Bless yer, no, guv'nor."
+
+"Oh, then, I suppose it is quite all right. I imagined you had connected
+up the wrong pipes, for the chandelier in the drawing-room is spraying
+like a fountain, and the bathroom tap is on fire."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A bright little newsie entered a business office and, approaching a
+glum-looking man at one of the desks, began with an ingratiating smile:
+"I'm selling thimbles to raise enough money to----"
+
+"Out with you," interrupted the man.
+
+"Wouldn't you like to look at some nice thimbles?"
+
+"I should say not!"
+
+"They're fine, and I'd like to make a sale," the boy continued.
+
+Turning in his chair to fully face the lad, the grouch caustically
+inquired: "What 'n seven kinds of blue blazes do you think I want with a
+thimble?"
+
+Edging toward the door to make a safe getaway, the boy answered: "Use it
+for a hat."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The lady was waiting to buy a ticket at the picture show when a stranger
+bumped her shoulder. She glared at him, feeling it was done
+intentionally.
+
+"Well," he growled, "don't eat me up."
+
+"You are in no danger, sir," she said. "I am a Jewess."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Sam, on board the transport, had just been issued his first pair of
+hobnails. "One thing suah," he ruminated. "If Ah falls overboard, Ah
+suttinly will go down at 'tenshun."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BLOOD RELATIONS
+
+_Actor:_ "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?"
+
+_Fulpurse:_ "Yes; they are ever bleeding me."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+There had been a collision near Euston Station between a timber-cart and
+a cab.
+
+The cart-driver said, with mock sympathy: "Oh, well, you can't help it!
+You're doin' yer bit, you an' yer 'orse and yer blankety cabs all over
+age!"
+
+"You're doin' yer bit, too, ain't yer?" was the cabby's rejoinder,
+"a'carrying of two lots o' wood--one in yer cart an' the other under yer
+blinkin' 'at!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SCOTCHED!
+
+A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out to
+his employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast,
+
+"Jock, there's a fly in yer parritch."
+
+"That disna' matter," replied Jock gloomily, "it'll no' droon."
+
+The farmer stared at him. "What do ye mean?" he asked angrily; "that's
+as much as sayin' ye hav'na' enough mulk."
+
+"Oh," replied Jock still more gloomily, "there's mair than enough for
+all the parritch I have."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE BRUTE!
+
+_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "What does that inscription mean on that ring you gave
+me, Archie?"
+
+_Mr. Newlywed:_ "'Faithful to the last,' my dear!"
+
+_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "Oh! how could you? You always said I was the first."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE WHOLE TRUTH
+
+Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get a "refresher" during
+working hours, when he suddenly ran into the boss.
+
+"Hallo!" said the boss, pleasantly, "were you looking for me?"
+
+"Ay," answered Angus, "I wis looking for ye, but I didna' want tae see
+ye."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE CONSUMER INFLAMED
+
+"Ever get any nice butter?" queried old Grumpy.
+
+"Supply in every day," replied his provision merchant suavely.
+
+"Then why in thunder don't you sell it?" asked Grumpy.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HOW HE DID IT
+
+_First Theatrical Manager:_ "Do you have any trouble with the girl who
+is playing the flapper in your new show?"
+
+_Second Theatrical Manager:_ "No; if she attempts to be skittish I just
+threaten to publish the photographs of her two sons who are lieutenants
+in the army."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+REALITY
+
+A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on
+Sunday afternoon.
+
+"Why weren't you at church this morning?" was the first question of the
+spiritual adviser.
+
+"I couldn't come," was the answer. "I had to stop at home and mind the
+baby; our nurse is ill."
+
+"That's no excuse," said the pastor.
+
+"It isn't? Well, next Sunday I'll bring him to church with me and see
+how you like it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+PURE CARELESSNESS
+
+It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck.
+
+"My good man," said one kindly lady, "I hope that since you have come
+here you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct your
+faults."
+
+"I have that, mum," replied the prisoner in heartfelt tones. "Believe
+me, the next job I pull, this baby wears gloves."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A LEVEL-HEADED CAR
+
+_Irate Motorist:_ "Say, this darned car won't climb a hill! You said it
+was a fine machine!"
+
+_Dealer:_ "I said: 'On the level it's a good car.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SUSPICIOUS
+
+It was while on manoeuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being
+tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground.
+
+"Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to the farmer who
+brought the accusation, "are you quite certain that this is the man who
+shot your bird? Will you swear to him?"
+
+"No, I won't do that," replied the farmer, "but I will say he's the man
+I suspect o' doing it."
+
+"That's not enough to convict a man," retorted the C. O., considerably
+nettled. "What raised your suspicions?"
+
+"Well," replied the sturdy yeoman, "it was this way--I see 'im on my
+property with a gun; then I heerd the gun go off; then I see 'im putting
+the chicken in his knapsack; and it didn't seem sense nohow to think the
+bird committed suicide."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A WONDER!
+
+"That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss," remarked Brown.
+
+"That so?" asked Smith.
+
+"Yes," replied Brown. "Why, he could read a patent medicine almanac and
+not have a solitary symptom of some disease."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+IN A FIX
+
+_Mrs. Muggins:_ "It's raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul wants to go home, and I
+have no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Can't I let her
+have yours?"
+
+_Mr. Muggins:_ "Hardly! The only umbrella I have got has her husband's
+name on the handle."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SUCKED!
+
+It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit the
+picture palace.
+
+On the way she evidently was annoyed with her lover, for she turned to
+him, and said, angrily, "Aw wish tha would gie up sucking thi teeth;
+it's so rude when people are about!"
+
+"Don't thee talk so silly," he replied in aggrieved tones. "It's my
+rubber 'eel pads that's causing that noise!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HALF AND HALF
+
+Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and
+packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar.
+Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap.
+
+Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said, with a glance of
+withering scorn: "If ye was half a man ye would have helped me up."
+
+The little conductor calmly replied: "Shure, ma'am, if ye was half a
+woman I would!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+REVENGE IS SWEET
+
+"Yes," proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside
+hotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. The
+reception clerk is an old infantry man, the waiters have all been
+non-coms., the chef was a mess-sergeant, the house doctor was a base
+hospital surgeon, the house-detective was an intelligence man; even the
+pages were cadets."
+
+"And have you any former military police?" he was asked.
+
+"Yes," he replied joyously. "When there's a good stiff wind blowing we
+set them to clean the outsides of the windows on the eighth floor!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NO EFFECT
+
+"You tell me," said the judge, "that this is the person who knocked you
+down with his motor-car. Could you swear to the man?"
+
+"I did," returned the complainant, eagerly, "but he only swore back at
+me and drove on."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A FUTURE FINANCIER
+
+"Ma," exclaimed young Teddie, bursting into the house, "Mrs. Johnson
+said she would give me a penny if I told her what you said about her!"
+
+"I never heard of such a thing!" answered his mother indignantly.
+"You're a very good boy not to have told! I wouldn't have her think I
+even mentioned her. Here's an apple, sonny, for being such a wise little
+lad!"
+
+"I should think I am, ma! When she showed me the penny I told her that
+what you said was something awful, and worth sixpence at least!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A BAD CASE
+
+"Rather absent-minded, isn't he?"
+
+"Extremely so. Why, the other night when he got home he knew there was
+something he wanted to do, but he couldn't remember what it was until he
+had sat up over an hour trying to think."
+
+"And did he finally remember it?"
+
+"Yes, he discovered that he wanted to go to bed early."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BLACK SUPERSTITION
+
+_Architect:_ "Have you any suggestions for the study, Mr. Quickrich?"
+
+_Quickrich:_ "Only that it must be brown. Great thinkers, I understand,
+are generally found in a brown study."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HALF A DUCK DEEP
+
+Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a
+youngster if it was deep.
+
+"No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found
+that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.
+
+When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted: "I
+thought you said it wasn't deep?"
+
+"It isn't," was the reply; "it only takes grandfather's ducks up to
+their middles!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+COULDN'T RESIST IT
+
+"Look here," began the youth, as he entered a butcher's shop, and
+displayed two lovely-looking black-and-blue eyes, "you have fresh beef
+for sale?"
+
+"I have," responded the butcher.
+
+"And fresh beef is good for black eyes, is it not?"
+
+"It is."
+
+"Very well. I have the eyes, you have the beef. Do you think you can
+sell me a pound or so without asking how I got ornamented?"
+
+"I'll do my best, sir."
+
+The butcher cut off the meat, and received his money without another
+look at his customer. At the last moment, however, the old Adam proved
+too strong for him.
+
+"Look here," he said, handing back the cash, "I'll make you a present of
+the beef. Now tell me all about the fight."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Do you know anything about palmistry, Herbert?" she asked.
+
+"Oh, not much," he answered, "although I had an experience last night
+which might be considered a remarkable example of palmistry. I happened
+to glance at the hand of a friend, and I immediately predicted he would
+presently become the possessor of a considerable amount of money. Before
+he left the room he had a nice little sum handed to him."
+
+"And you foretold that from his hand?"
+
+"Yes, it had four aces in it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Young Harold was late for Sunday-school and the minister inquired the
+cause. "I was going fishing, but father wouldn't let me," announced the
+lad.
+
+"That's the right kind of a father to have," replied the reverend
+gentleman. "Did he explain the reason why he would not let you go?"
+
+"Yes, sir. He said there wasn't bait enough for two."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"My good man, you had better take the trolley car home."
+
+"Sh' no ushe! My wife wouldn't let me--hic--keep it in th' house."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "Oh, Jack, you left the kitchen door open and the
+draught has shut my cookery book, so that now I haven't the faintest
+idea what it is I'm cooking."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Goin' in that house over there?" said the first tramp.
+
+"I tried that house last week. I ain't goin' there any more," replied
+Tramp No. 2.
+
+"'Fraid on account of the dog?"
+
+"Me trousers are."
+
+"Trousers are what?"
+
+"Frayed on account of the dog."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A QUESTION OF LOCALITY
+
+"Bobby," said the lady in the tramcar, severely, "why don't you get up
+and give your seat to your father? Doesn't it pain you to see him
+reaching for the strap?"
+
+"Not in a car," said Bobby. "It does at home."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HER SOFT ANSWER
+
+They had had their usual altercation over the breakfast table, and hubby
+exclaimed:
+
+"What would you do if I were one of those husbands who get up cross in
+the morning, bang the things about, and kick because the coffee is
+cold?"
+
+"Why," replied his wife, "I should make it hot for you!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HE WAS WRONG
+
+_Prison Visitor:_ "Am I right in presuming that it was your passion for
+strong drink that brought you here?"
+
+_Prisoner:_ "I don't think you can know this place, guv'nor. It's the
+last place on earth I'd come to if I was looking for anything to drink."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+OPENING FATHER'S EYES
+
+"Papa," said Little Horatio, "can you explain philosophy to me?"
+
+"Of course I can," answered his proud parent.
+
+"Natural philosophy, my son, is the science of cause and reason. Now,
+for instance, you see the steam coming out of that kettle, but you
+don't know why, or for what reason it does so, and----"
+
+"Oh! but I do, papa," chirped little Horatio knowingly. "The reason the
+steam comes out of the kettle is so that ma can open your letters
+without you knowing it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NICE
+
+She had only been married a month, when her friend called to see how she
+was getting on.
+
+"We're getting on fine!" exclaimed the young wife. "We have a joint
+account in the bank; it's such fun to pay bills by cheque."
+
+"What do you mean by joint account?" asked the caller. "Do you put in
+equal sums?"
+
+"Oh! I don't put in anything," was the explanation. "Tom puts it in, and
+I draw it out!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT NEEDED
+
+_O'Grady:_ "And why do you want to sell your nightshirt?"
+
+_Pat:_ "Shure, and what good is it to me now whin oive me new job av
+night watchman an' slape in the day toimes?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SHE COULD USE HIM
+
+"Rastus," said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account and
+shiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year at
+hard labour."
+
+"Please, Jedge," interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the rear of the court
+room, "will yo' Honah jes' split dat sentence? Don't send him away from
+home, but let dat hard labour stand."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+DECLINED WITH THANKS
+
+Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that
+quaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise." He couldn't
+get along at all with the modern type of farmhands. So, after thinking
+matters over, Brown decided to reform.
+
+After many trials he secured a strapping, big fellow, and resolved to
+keep that hand at any cost. Accordingly, the first morning he waited
+until four o'clock before he called him for breakfast.
+
+"Get out of there quick if you want anything to eat."
+
+"Thanks very much," said the new hand, "but I never eat anything just
+before going to sleep."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MANAGING THE MANAGERS
+
+This conversation was overheard in the corridor of the offices of a
+large firm. Needless to say, the speakers were lady clerks--
+
+"He's given me such a fearful telling-off," said one; "just because I
+couldn't find him his copy of 'Who's Who.'"
+
+"Pooh! Don't cry, you little silly. You've got to manage him. When
+you've been here six weeks, like I have, you'll jolly well tell him to
+buy a copy of 'Where's Which,' and find his old 'Who's Who' himself!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A GREAT LIGHT
+
+The skipper was examining an ambitious gob who wanted to be a gunner's
+mate.
+
+"How much does a six-pound shell weigh?" he asked.
+
+"I don't know," the gob confessed.
+
+"Well, what time does the twelve o'clock train leave?"
+
+"Twelve o'clock."
+
+"All right, then, how much does a six-pound shell weigh?"
+
+"Ah," said the youthful mariner, a great light dawning on him. "Twelve
+pounds."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The two flappers at the Strand seemed barely in their 'teens, yet their
+conversation stamped them as seasoned film fans. They were discussing
+titles of pictures in general, and the tiny blonde expressed regret that
+the recent German importations had had their titles changed for American
+consumption. "If they had only called that picture 'Du Barry' instead of
+'Passion,' think what a hit it would have made!"
+
+Her bobbed-hair companion tossed her head and scoffed: "Don't you
+believe it. There's millions of folks never heard of Du Barry, but every
+one knows about passion."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"We will take as our text this morning," announced the absent-minded
+clergyman, consulting his memorandum, "the sixth and seventh verses of
+the thirty-first chapter of Proverbs." Never suspecting that his
+vivacious son and heir had found the memorandum in his study on the
+previous night, and, knowing that his papa had composed a sermon
+celebrating the increased severity of dry law enforcement, had
+diabolically changed the chapter and verse numerals to indicate a very
+different text, the absent-minded clergyman turned to the place and read
+aloud these words of Solomon: "Give strong drink unto him that is ready
+to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink
+and forget his past poverty, and remember his misery no more."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"You don't mean to say it cost you $7000 to have your family tree looked
+up?"
+
+"No; $2000 to have it looked up and $5000 to have it hushed up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Aristocrat_ (_returning to school_): My ancestors came over with
+William the Conqueror.
+
+_The New Girl:_ That's nothing! _My_ father came over in the same boat
+with Mary Pickford!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+It was Judgment Day, and throngs of people were crowding around the
+Pearly Gates trying to convince St. Peter that they were entitled to
+enter Heaven. To the first applicant St. Peter said, "What kind of a car
+do you own?"
+
+"A Packard," was the reply.
+
+"All right," said St. Peter, "you go over there with the Presbyterians."
+
+The next in line testified that he owned a Buick, and was told to stand
+over with the Congregationalists. Behind him was the owner of a Dodge,
+who was ordered to stand with the Baptists. Finally a meek little
+individual came along.
+
+"What kind of a car do you own?" was the question.
+
+"A Ford," was the answer.
+
+"You just think you own a car. You go over there with the Christian
+Scientists."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Housewife:_ My goodness! I don't believe you've washed yourself for
+a year.
+
+_The Hobo:_ Just about that. You see, I only washes before I eats.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The Professor:_ A diamond is the hardest known substance, inasmuch as
+it will cut glass.
+
+_The Cynic:_ Glass! My dear sir, a diamond will even make an impression
+on a woman's heart.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Boss:_ What do you mean by such language? Are you the manager here or
+am I?
+
+_Jones:_ I know I'm not the manager.
+
+_The Boss:_ Very well, then, if you're not the manager, why do you talk
+like a blamed idiot?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Pa, what's an actor?"
+
+"An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the side of a stage, peer
+into the wings at a group of other actors waiting for their cues, a
+number of bored stage hands, and a lot of theatrical odds and ends, and
+exclaim, 'What a lovely view there is from this window!"'
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Is she making a rich marriage?"
+
+"I should hope to tell you; he is a butcher who has been arrested three
+times for profiteering."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SANDY SCORED
+
+A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed:
+
+"Well, Sandy, you're getting very bent. Why don't you stand up straight,
+like me?"
+
+"Eh, mon," replied Sandy, "d'ye see yon field of corn?"
+
+"I do," said the laird.
+
+"Ah, weel," said Sandy, "ye'll notice that the full heids hang down, an'
+that the empty yins stand up."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WITH A RESERVATION
+
+"Miss Smith--Belinda," sighed the young man, passionately, "there is
+something I want to tell you--something that I----"
+
+"What is it?" asked the girl, as she leaned back in her chair, with a
+bored expression on her face.
+
+The young man drew a long breath, and his face turned to dull purple.
+"It is a question which is very near to any heart," he said awkwardly.
+"Could you--do you think you could ever marry a man like me?"
+
+"Oh, yes," replied Belinda, quite calmly, "that is, if he wasn't too
+much like you!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TOO SMART
+
+A Chinaman entered a jeweller's in Liverpool and asked to be shown some
+"welly good watches." The proprietor, a Jew, being absent, the
+prospective customer was attended to by his daughter, who got out three
+watches, marked respectively _L_5, _L_4, and _L_3 10_s._, and laid them
+in a row on the counter.
+
+The Chink, after looking very closely at them, called the attention of
+the Jewess to a watch on a shelf behind her; as she turned to obtain the
+watch he placed the higher-priced watch, in the place of the
+lower-priced one, and, not caring for the watch now shown him, said: "Me
+no likee that; I takee cheapee watch," paid _L_3 10_s._, and departed.
+
+Soon the girl discovered the deception, and told her father on his
+return.
+
+"Never mind, my tear," said he, with a smile; "dose vatches cost all de
+same brice--two pound; but vat a scoundrel dat Chinaman must be!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT
+
+"Are all flowers popular?" asked the teacher.
+
+"No, ma'am," replied one of the bright little girls.
+
+"What flowers are not popular?"
+
+"Wall-flowers, ma'am."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NATIVE BORN
+
+"He hit me on de koko, yer honour."
+
+"Your head?"
+
+"Yes, yer honour."
+
+"Why don't you speak the English language?"
+
+"I do, yer honour. I never wuz out of dis country in me life."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE JONAH
+
+"Now, children," said the Sunday-school teacher, "I have told you the
+story of Jonah and the whale. Willie, you may tell me what this story
+teaches."
+
+"Yes'm," said Willie, the bright-eyed son ef the pastor; "it teaches
+that you can't keep a good man down."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THE SUBSTITUTE
+
+A tourist at an hotel in Ireland asked the girl who waited at the table
+if he could have some poached eggs.
+
+"We haven't any eggs, sorr," she replied; then, after a moment's
+reflection, "but I think I could get ye some poached salmon."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE
+
+The maiden of, er--forty or so, was much upset.
+
+Quoth she to a younger friend:
+
+"Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was
+nothing but a hopeless old maid."
+
+"That's pretty frank!" exclaimed the friend.
+
+"Yes; wasn't it unladylike of her?"
+
+"It certainly was rude," agreed the other. "Still, it's better than
+having her tell lies about you."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+GOOD OR BAD TURN?
+
+"Did your late employer give you a testimonial, Jack?"
+
+"Yes, Tom. But the way employers look at it when I apply for a job make
+one think there's something wrong with it."
+
+"What does it say, then?"
+
+"Why, he said I was one of the best men his firm had ever turned out."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+TALKING SENSE
+
+"Darling," he asked, as he drew his fiancee closer to him, "am I the
+first man you have ever kissed?"
+
+"William," replied the American girl, somewhat testily, "before we go
+any further I would like to ask you a few questions. You are, no doubt,
+fully aware that my father is a millionaire something like ten times
+over, aren't you?"
+
+"Y-yes."
+
+"You understand, no doubt, that when he dies all of his vast fortune
+will be left to me?"
+
+"Y-yes."
+
+"You know that I have a quarter of a million dollars in cash in my name
+at the bank?"
+
+"Y-yes."
+
+"And own two and a half million dollars' worth of property?"
+
+"Y-yes."
+
+"That my diamonds are insured to the value of a quarter of a million
+dollars?"
+
+"Y-yes."
+
+"My horses and motor-cars are worth seventy-five thousand dollars?"
+
+"Y-yes."
+
+"Then, for goodness' sake, talk sense! What difference would it make to
+you if I had been kissed by a thousand men before I met you?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A MAGIC HEALER
+
+During an exciting game of football a player had two fingers of his
+right hand badly smashed, and on his way home from the ground he dropped
+into the doctor's to have them attended to.
+
+"Doctor," he asked, anxiously. "When this hand of mine heals, will I be
+able to play the piano?"
+
+"Certainly you will," the doctor assured him.
+
+"Then you're a wonder, doctor. I never could before."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SHE TOOK THEM
+
+"I don't know whether I like these photos or not," said the young woman.
+"They seem rather indistinct."
+
+"But, you must remember, madam," said the wily photographer, "that your
+face is not at all plain."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+BUT HE'S ON HIS WAY
+
+Uncle Tom arrived at the station with the goat he was to ship north, but
+the freight agent was having difficulty in billing him.
+
+"What's this goat's destination, Uncle?" he asked.
+
+"Suh?"
+
+"I say, what's his destination? Where's he going?"
+
+Uncle Tom searched carefully for the tag. A bit of frayed cord was all
+that remained.
+
+"Dat ornery goat!" he exploded wrathfully. "Yo' know, suh, dat iggorant
+goat done completely et up his destination."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HER MATCH
+
+_Tommy:_ "What's an echo, pa?"
+
+_Pa:_ "An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of
+the last word."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?" demanded
+the boss angrily.
+
+"It's like this, boss," explained the tardy one; "you kept telling me
+not to watch the clock during office hours, and I got so I didn't watch
+it at home either."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+SCIENTIFIC PROOF
+
+One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She
+asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of
+the time. One little girl spoke up and said:
+
+"Yes'm; when it is a cold day, I can see the smoke."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Bolshie Tubthumper:_ Yaas, there didn't ought to be no poor. We all
+ought to be wealthy, and the wealthy starvin' like us!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Sunday School Teacher:_ Now, Alfred, if you are always kind and polite
+to your playmates, what will be the result?
+
+_Alfred:_ They'll think they can lick me!
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A NATURAL PICTURE
+
+A man and his eldest son went to have their photographs taken together,
+and the photographer said to the young man, "It will make a better
+picture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder."
+
+"H'm," said the father, "it would make a more natural picture if he put
+it in my pocket."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOTHING TO SMILE AT
+
+A Londoner was telling funny stories to a party of commercial men.
+
+An old Scotsman, sitting in a corner seat, apparently took not the
+smallest notice, and no matter how loud the laughter, went on quietly
+reading his paper. This exasperated the story-teller, until at last he
+said: "I think it would take an inch auger to put a joke into a
+Scotsman's head."
+
+A voice from behind the paper replied: "Ay, man, but it wid need tae hae
+a finer point than ony o' yer stories, a'm thinking!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+DREW BLANK
+
+The MacTavish was not a mean man. No; he just knew the value of money.
+
+So, when the MacTavish developed a sore throat he meditated fearfully
+upon the expenditure of a doctor's fee. As an alternative he hung about
+for a day and a half outside the local doctor's establishment. Finally
+he managed to catch the great man.
+
+"Say, doctor! Hoo's beez-ness wi' ye the noo?"
+
+"Oh, feyr, feyr!"
+
+"A s'pose ye've a deal o' prescribin' tae dae fer coolds an' sair
+throats?"
+
+"Ay!"
+
+"An' what dae ye gin'rally gie fer a sair throat?"
+
+"Naethin'," replied the canny old doctor, "I dinna' want a sair throat."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A FRIEND IN NEED
+
+What true friendship consists in depends on the temperament of the man
+who has a friend. It is related that at the funeral of Mr. Scroggs, who
+died extremely poor, the usually cold-blooded Squire Tightfist was much
+affected.
+
+"You thought a great deal of him, I suppose?" some one asked him.
+
+"Thought a great deal of him? I should think I did. There was a true
+friend. He never asked me to lend him a cent, though I knew well enough
+he was starving to death."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WHAT HE PREFERRED
+
+He was one of the few remaining old-time darkies. He had finished the
+odd jobs for which he had been employed, and, hat in hand, appeared at
+the back door.
+
+"How much is it, uncle?" he was asked.
+
+"Yo' say how much? Jest whatever yo' say, missus."
+
+"Oh, but I would rather you'd say how much," the lady of the house
+replied.
+
+"Yas, ma'am! But, ma'am, Ah'd rather hab de seventy-five cents yo 'would
+gimme dan de fifty cents Ah'd charge yo'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+READY TO JOIN
+
+_Minister:_ Would you care to join us in the new missionary movement?
+
+_Miss Ala Mode:_ I'm crazy to try it. Is it anything like the fox trot?
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HELPFUL PA!
+
+_He:_ Do you think your father would be willing to help me in the
+future?
+
+_She:_ Well, I heard him say he felt like kicking you into the middle of
+next week.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Daughter," said the old man, sternly, "I positively forbid you marrying
+this young scapegrace! He is an inveterate poker player!"
+
+"But, papa," tearfully protested Alicia Hortense, "poker playing is not
+such an awful habit. Why, at your own club----"
+
+"That's where I got my information, daughter. I'll have no daughter of
+mine bringing home a man that I can't beat with a flush, a full house,
+and fours."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I think, Lucille, I'll take one of the children to the park with me.
+Which one do you think would go best with this dress?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+HE KNEW
+
+Mr. and Mrs. Smith had been invited to a friend's for tea, and the time
+had arrived for preparing for the visit. "Come along, dearie," said Mr.
+Smith to her three-year-old son, "and have your face washed."
+
+"Don't want to be washed," came the reply.
+
+"But," said mother, "you don't want to be a dirty boy, do you? I want my
+little boy to have a nice, clean face for the ladies to kiss."
+
+Upon this persuasion he gave way, and was washed. A few minutes later he
+stood watching his father washing. "Ha, ha, daddy!" he cried, "I know
+why you're washing!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+THEY WILT
+
+"Which weeds are the easiest to kill?" asked young Flickers of Farmer
+Sassfras, as he watched that good man at his work.
+
+"Widow's weeds," replied the farmer. "You have only to say 'Wilt thou?'
+and they wilt."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT STRONG ENOUGH
+
+Muriel, aged four, was taken by her governess to have tea with an aunt.
+Presently she began to eat a piece of very rich cake.
+
+"Oh, I just love this chocolate cake!" she exclaimed. "It's awfully
+nice."
+
+"Muriel, dear," corrected her governess, "it is wrong to say you 'love'
+cake, and I've frequently pointed out that 'just' is wrongly used in
+such a sentence. Again, 'awfully' is quite wrong, 'very' would be more
+correct, dear. Now repeat your remark, please."
+
+Muriel obediently repeated: "I like chocolate cake; it is very good."
+
+"That's better, dear," said the governess, approvingly.
+
+"But it sounds as if I was talking about bread," protested the little
+girl.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+WHY HE PICKED PICTISH
+
+An English mother was visiting her son at college.
+
+"Well, dear," she said, "what languages did you decide to take?"
+
+"I have decided to take Pictish, mother," he replied.
+
+"Pictish?" said the puzzled lady. "Why Pictish?"
+
+"Only five words of it remain," he said.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+PLAYED THEM BOTH UP
+
+A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenly
+it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one of
+the areas. The lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for the
+appearance of the hoop's owner. He arrived.
+
+"Please, I've broken your window," he said, "and father's come to mend
+it."
+
+Sure enough the boy was followed by a man, who at once set to work,
+while the boy, taking his hoop, ran off. The window finished, the man
+said:
+
+"That'll be three shillings, mum."
+
+"Three shillings!" gasped the woman. "But your son broke it. The little
+fellow with the hoop. You're his father, aren't you?"
+
+The man shook his head.
+
+"Never seen him before," he said. "He came round to my place and said
+his mother wanted her window mended. You're his mother, aren't you?"
+
+And the good woman could only shake her head; for once words failed her.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+JUSTICE AT LAST
+
+It was the usual domestic storm.
+
+"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" moaned wifey in tears. "I wish I'd taken poor
+mother's advice, and never married you!"
+
+Hubby, the strong, silent man, swung round on her quickly, and at last
+found voice.
+
+"Did your mother try to stop you marrying me?" he demanded.
+
+Wifey nodded violently.
+
+A look of deep remorse crossed hubby's face.
+
+"Great Scott," he cried, in broken tones, "how I wronged that woman!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+IN ORDER TO BE FILLED
+
+Two negroes were working in a coal-bin in a Mississippi town, one down
+in the bin throwing out the coal and the other wielding a shovel. The
+one inside picked up a large lump and heaving it carelessly into the
+air, struck the other a resounding blow on the head.
+
+As soon as the victim had recovered from his momentary daze he walked
+over to the edge of the bin and, peering down at his mate, said:
+
+"Nigger, how come you don't watch where you throws dat coal? You done
+hit me smack on de haid."
+
+The other one looked surprised.
+
+"Did I hit you?"
+
+"You sho' did," came the answer. "And I jes' wants to tell you, I've
+been promising the debil a man a long time, and you certainly does
+resemble my promise."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"And would you love me as much if father lost all his money?"
+
+"Has he?"
+
+"Why, no."
+
+"Of course I would, darling."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Why do you object to children in your apartment house?"
+
+"As a matter of kindness. People who are raising families can't be
+expected to pay the rentals I require."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+CAUSTIC
+
+A good story is told of a pawky old Scot, who like many others, finds
+himself rather short of cash just now. His account was L60 over drawn,
+and the banker rang him up on the telephone to tell him about it, and to
+suggest that he had better bring it down a bit or clear it altogether.
+
+"Oh, aye," replied the pawky one. "I'm L60 short am I? Will ye just look
+up an' tell me hoo my account stood in June?"
+
+"Oh," the banker said, "you were all right then; you had L250 to your
+credit."
+
+"Aye, an' did I ring you up in June?" was the caustic rejoinder.
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The newly-elected president of a banking institution was being
+introduced to the employees. He singled out one of the men in the
+cashier's cage, questioning him in detail about his work, etc. "I have
+been here forty years," said the cashier's assistant, with conscious
+pride, "and in all that time I only made one slight mistake."
+
+"Good," replied the president. "Let me congratulate you. But hereafter
+be more careful."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_First Sailor_ (_searching vainly for his ship after a few hours'
+leave_): "But she was 'ere when we went ashore, wasn't she?"
+
+_Second Sailor:_ "It's them blokes at Washington. They've started
+scrappin' the fleet, an' begun on us."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOT WORTH MUCH
+
+The tourist from the East had stopped to change tires in a desolate
+region of the far South. "I suppose," he remarked to a native onlooker,
+"that even in these isolated parts the bare necessities of life have
+risen tremendously in price?"
+
+"Y'er right, stranger," replied the native, "and it ain't worth drinkin'
+when ye get it."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+NOTHING TO FEAR
+
+_Irate Golfer:_ "You must take your children away from here, madam; this
+is no place for them."
+
+_Mother:_ "Now don't you worry--they can't 'ear nothin' new--their
+father was a sergeant-major, 'e was!"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+MISLED
+
+_The Client:_ "I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that were
+advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b., and when they were delivered they
+were empty."
+
+_The Lawyer:_ "Well, what do you expect?"
+
+_The Client:_ "Full of booze. Isn't that what f. o. b. means?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+During a conversation between an Irishman and a Jew, the Irishman asked
+how it was that the Jews were so wise.
+
+"Because," said the Jew, "we eat a certain kind of fish;" and he offered
+to sell one for ten dollars.
+
+After paying his money, the Irishman received a small dried fish. He bit
+into it, then exclaimed: "Why, this is only a smoked herring."
+
+"See?" said the Jew. "You are getting wise already."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Yes," said the old man to his visitor, "I am proud of my girls and
+would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little
+money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary,
+twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1000
+when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five again. I
+shall give her $3000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will
+have $5000 with her." The young man reflected a moment and then asked,
+"You haven't one about fifty, have you?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Mary," said the mistress, "did you ask every one for cards to-day, as I
+told you, when they called?"
+
+"Yes'm. One fellow he wouldn't give me no card, but I swiped his hat an'
+shoved him off th' steps. Here's his name on th' sweat band."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall I do?"
+
+"But, my dear daughter, you've only known him three weeks."
+
+"I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I delay in accepting him
+he might find out some things about me he won't like, too."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Would you marry a man to reform him?"
+
+"What does he do?"
+
+"He drinks."
+
+"Marry him, girlie, and find out where he gets it. We need him badly in
+our set."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I would like to have a globe of the earth."
+
+"What size, madam?"
+
+"Life-size, of course."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Wife:_ "George, is that you?"
+
+_George:_ "Why certainly! Who else you 'shpecting at this timernight?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_She_ (_tenderly_): "And are mine the only lips you have kissed?"
+
+_He:_ "Yes, and they are the sweetest of all."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Jazz:_ "My girl told me she weighed 120 the other night."
+
+_Beau:_ "Stripped?"
+
+_Jazz:_ "Yeh; she was in an evening gown."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mrs. Newlywed_ (_on her first day's shopping_): "I want two pieces of
+steak and--and about half a pint of gravy."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Farmer:_ "Would you like to buy a jug of cider?"
+
+_Tourist:_ "Well--er--is it ambitious and willing to work?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Papa:_ "Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss you in the parlor last
+night?"
+
+_Daughter:_ "Because I was afraid he'd catch cold in the hall."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack."
+
+"Then why didn't you marry him?"
+
+"I met him again so often."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Interviewer:_ "What sort of girls make the best show-girls?"
+
+_Stage Manager:_ "Those who have the most to show, of course."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_She:_ "What do you mean by kissing me? What do you mean?"
+
+_He:_ "Er--er--nothing."
+
+_She:_ "Then don't you dare do it again. I won't have any man kissing me
+unless he means business, d'ye hear?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Foreman:_ "'Ow is it that little feller always carries two planks to
+your one?"
+
+_Laborer:_ "'Cos 'e's too blinkin' lazy to go back fer the other one."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Lady_ (_in box_): "Can you look over my shoulders?"
+
+_Sailor:_ "I've just been looking over both of them, an' by gosh they
+are great."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"How times have changed!"
+
+"Yes?"
+
+"Imagine Rosa Bonheur painting a flock of Ford tractors."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Sailor Bill:_ "These New York gals seem to be wearin' sort o' light
+canvas."
+
+_Sailor Dan:_ "Yes--you seldom see a full-rigged skirt, or anything."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Tramp:_ "Would you please 'elp a pore man whose wife is out o' work?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I 'ear your 'usband 'as turned Bolshie."
+
+"Well, not absolootly; but 'e 'as a lenin' that way."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A popular Oklahoma City salesman recently married, and was accompanied
+by his wife as he entered the dining-room of a Texas hotel famed for its
+excellent cuisine. His order was served promptly, but the fried chicken
+he had been telling his wife so much about was not in evidence.
+
+"Where is my chicken?" he asked somewhat irritably.
+
+The dusky waiter, leaning over and bringing his mouth in close proximity
+to the salesman's ear, replied:
+
+"Ef youse mean de li'l gal with blue eyes an' fluffy hair, she doan'
+wo'k heah no mo'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Do you really believe in heredity?"
+
+"Most certainly I do. That is how I came into all my money."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An attorney of Los Angeles advertised for a chauffeur. Some twenty-odd
+responded and were being questioned as to qualifications, efficiency,
+and whether married or single. Finally, turning to a negro chap, he
+said:
+
+"How about you, George, are you married?"
+
+Quickly the negro responded: "Naw-sir, boss, naw-sir. Ah makes mah own
+livin'."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+A boy and his mother were taking in the circus. Looking at the
+hippopotamus, he said: "Ma, ain't that the ugliest damn thing you ever
+saw?"
+
+"Bill," said his ma, "didn't I tell you never to say 'ain't.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Vell, Ikey, my poy," said Sol to his son, "I've made my vill and left
+it all to you."
+
+"That's very good of you, father," remarked Ike, eyeing him
+suspiciously. "But, bless you, it cost a lot of money for the lawyer and
+fees and things!"
+
+"Vell?" said Ike more suspiciously. "Vell, it ain't fair I should pay
+all dot, is it? So I'll shust take it off from your next month's
+salary."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Mr. McNab_ (_after having his lease read over to him_): "I will not
+sign that; I have na' been able tae keep Ten Commandments for a mansion
+in Heaven, an' I'm no' gaun tae tackle about a hundred for twa rooms in
+the High Street."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Come, Dorothy," said her father impatiently, "throw your doll on the
+bed and hurry or we shall be late."
+
+"Daddy, how can you?" reproved the child. "I isn't' that kind of a
+muvver."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"You say you doted on your last mistress?"
+
+"Yes, mum. I certainly did."
+
+"Then why did you leave her?"
+
+"We couldn't continue to be friends on my wages, mum."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"What's the matter with Smith? Got lumbago or spinal curvature or
+something?"
+
+"No; he has to walk that way to fit some shirts his wife made for him."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"James, have you whispered to-day without permission?"
+
+"Only wunst."
+
+"Leroy, should James have said wunst?"
+
+"No'm; he should have said twict."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"It appears to be your record, Mary," said the magistrate, "that you
+have already been convicted thirty-five times of stealing."
+
+"I guess that's right, your honor," answered Mary. "No woman is
+perfect."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"That you, dearie? I'm detained at the office on very important business
+and I may not be home until late. Don't sit up for me."
+
+"I won't, dearie. You'll come home as early as you can, won't you? And
+John, dear----"
+
+"Yes; what is it?"
+
+"Please don't draw to any inside straights."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_The City Nephew:_ "I'm glad to see Aunt Hetty dresses her hair sensibly
+instead of wearing those silly puffs over the ears."
+
+_Uncle Talltimber:_ "She tried 'em once an' they got tangled up with the
+telephone receiver an' she missed more'n half the gossip goin' on over
+our twenty-party line."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Ethel," said the bishop, "you seem to be a bright little girl; can you
+repeat a verse from the Bible?"
+
+"I'll say I can."
+
+"Well, my dear, let us have it."
+
+"The Lord is my shepherd--I should worry."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Wishing to give his Scotch steward a treat a man invited him to London,
+and on the night after his arrival took him to a hotel to dine. During
+the early part of the dinner the steward was noticed to help himself
+very liberally to the champagne, glass after glass of the wine
+disappearing. Still he seemed very downhearted and morose. Presently he
+was heard to remark, "Well, I hope they'll not be very long wi' the
+whisky, as I dinna get on verra weel wi' these mineral waters."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+An astronomer was entertaining a Scotch friend. He showed his visitor
+the moon through a telescope and asked him what he thought of the
+satellite.
+
+"It's a' richt," replied the Scot, who was an enthusiastic golfer, "but
+it's awfu' fu' o' bunkers."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"What are you doing, Marjory?"
+
+"I'se writing a letter to Lily Smif."
+
+"But, darling, you don't know how to write."
+
+"That's no diff'ence, mamma; Lily don't know how to read."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"What sort of an appearing man is he?"
+
+"Little dried-up feller," replied the gaunt Missourian, "that looks like
+he always ett at the second table."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Did you hear about the awful trouble that has befallen Mrs. Talkalot?"
+
+"Don't tell me she has lost her voice."
+
+"No, her husband has lost his hearing."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+Two darky boys in a Southern city met on the street, each wearing a new
+suit. One asked:
+
+"Nigger, how much do they set you back for dem clo's?"
+
+"Fo'ty dollahs," was the response.
+
+"Fo'ty dollahs?"
+
+"Yes, sah; fo'ty dollahs."
+
+"Look at me," said the first. "I'se got on a suit w'at's mos' perzactly
+like yourn, and I don't pay but ten dollahs fuh mine. Somebody shore
+flimflammed you."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+The possessor of the forty-dollar suit took hold of one of the coat
+sleeves of the ten-dollar suit and pulled on it. It stretched. Then
+straightening up he said:
+
+"See here, boy, the fust big rain yo' gets ketched out in dat coat of
+yourn is gwine to say, 'Good-by, nigger, f'om now on I'se gwine to be
+yo' vest.'"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"Do you think I shall live until I'm ninety, doctor?"
+
+"How old are you now?"
+
+"Forty."
+
+"Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?"
+
+"No. I don't drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I haven't
+any vices."
+
+"Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?"
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+"I say, Madge, it's bitterly cold. Hadn't you better put something on
+your chest?"
+
+"Don't worry, old thing. I've powdered it three times."
+
+                            *       *       *
+
+_Father:_ "Well, son, you certainly made a fool of yourself! That girl
+robbed you of every cent you had."
+
+_Son:_ "Well, dad, you have to hand it to me for picking them clever."
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jokes For All Occasions, by Anonymous
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS ***
+
+***** This file should be named 21084.txt or 21084.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/2/1/0/8/21084/
+
+Produced by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier, Martin Pettit and
+the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/21084.zip b/21084.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..919b3f6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/21084.zip
diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6312041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/LICENSE.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6472f1f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #21084 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/21084)