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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Heart of Una Sackville, by 
+Mrs. George de Horne Vaizey
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Heart of Una Sackville
+
+Author: Mrs. George de Horne Vaizey
+
+Illustrator: Peter Tarrant
+
+Release Date: April 18, 2007 [EBook #21129]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HEART OF UNA SACKVILLE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Nick Hodson of London, England
+
+
+
+
+The Heart of Una Sackville
+
+by Mrs George de Horne Vaizey
+________________________________________________________________
+This book is not really in the same league as Pixie, but it
+certainly is a well-written story about the inner life of a
+young woman in search of a wooer and future husband in the
+months and years after she leaves school.  All the characters,
+men and women, boys and girls, are well-drawn, and the book is
+an enjoyable read, which we would recommend, particularly to the
+fairer sex.  Dated in 1895, it contains contains a good deal
+of local and historical colour, and is worth reading for the
+insight into the social background of girls of the professional
+middle classes of those days.
+________________________________________________________________
+"THE HEART OF UNA SACKVILLE"
+A TALE OF A YOUNG WOMAN'S SEARCH FOR THE FUTURE LOVE OF HER LIFE
+
+BY MRS. GEORGE DE HORNE VAIZEY
+
+
+
+CHAPTER ONE.
+
+                                                       _May 13th, 1895_.
+Lena Streatham gave me this diary.  I can't think what possessed her,
+for she has been simply hateful to me sometimes this last term.  Perhaps
+it was remorse, because it's awfully handsome, with just the sort of
+back I like--soft Russia leather, with my initials in the corner, and a
+clasp with a dear little key, so that you can leave it about without
+other people seeing what is inside.  I always intended to keep a diary
+when I left school and things began to happen, and I suppose I must have
+said so some day; I generally do blurt out what is in my mind, and Lena
+heard and remembered.  She's not a bad girl, except for her temper, but
+I've noticed the hasty ones are generally the most generous.  There are
+hundreds and hundreds of leaves in it, and I expect it will be years
+before it's finished.  I'm not going to write things every day--that's
+silly!  I'll just keep it for times when I want to talk, and Lorna is
+not near to confide in.  It's quite exciting to think all that will be
+written in these empty pages!  What fun it would be if I could read them
+now and see what is going to happen!  About half way through I shall be
+engaged, and in the last page of all I'll scribble a few words in my
+wedding-dress before I go on to church, for that will be the end of Una
+Sackville, and there will be nothing more to write after that.  It's
+very nice to be married, of course, but stodgy--there's no more
+excitement.
+
+There has been plenty of excitement to-day, at any rate.  I always
+thought it would be lovely when the time came for leaving school, and
+having nothing to do but enjoy oneself, but I've cried simply
+bucketfuls, and my head aches like fury.  All the girls were so
+fearfully nice.  I'd no idea they liked me so much.  Irene May began
+crying at breakfast-time, and one or another of them has been at it the
+whole day long.  Maddie made me walk with her in the crocodile, and
+said, "Croyez bien, ma cherie, que votre Maddie ne vous oubliera
+jamais."  It's all very well, but she's been a perfect pig to me many
+times over about the irregular verbs!  She gave me her photograph in a
+gilt frame--not half bad; you would think she was quite nice-looking.
+
+The kiddies joined together and gave me a purse--awfully decent of the
+poor little souls--and I've got simply dozens of books and ornaments and
+little picture things for my room.  We had cake for tea, but half the
+girls wouldn't touch it.  Florence said it was sickening to gorge when
+your heart was breaking.  She is going to ask her mother to let her
+leave next term, for she says she simply cannot stand our bedroom after
+I'm gone.  She and Lorna don't get on a bit, and I was always having to
+keep the peace.  I promised faithfully I would write sheets upon sheets
+to them every single week, because my leaving at half term makes it
+harder for them than if they were going home too.
+
+"We shall be so flat and dull without you, Circle!"  Myra said.  She
+calls me "Circle" because I'm fat--not awfully, you know, but just a
+little bit, and she's so thin herself.  "I think I'll turn over a new
+leaf and go in for work.  I don't seem to have any heart for getting
+into scrapes by myself!"
+
+"Well, we _have_ kept them going, haven't we!"  I said.  "Do you
+remember," and then we talked over the hairbreadth escapes we had had,
+and groaned to think that the good times were passed.
+
+"I will say this for Una," said Florence, "however stupid she may be at
+lessons, I never met a girl who was cleverer at scenting a joke!"
+
+When Florence says a thing, she _means_ it, so it was an awful
+compliment, and I was just trying to look humble when Mary came in to
+say Miss Martin wanted me in the drawing-room.  I did feel bad, because
+I knew it would be our last real talk, and she looked simply sweet in
+her new blue dress and her Sunday afternoon expression.  She can look as
+fierce as anything and snap your head off if you vex her, but she's a
+darling all the same, and I adore her.  She's been perfectly sweet to me
+these three years, and we have had lovely talks sometimes--serious
+talks, I mean--when I was going to be confirmed, and when father was
+ill, and when I've been homesick.  She's so good, but not a bit goody,
+and she makes you long to be good too.  She's just the right person to
+have a girls' school, for she understands how girls feel, and that it
+isn't natural for them to be solemn, unless of course they are prigs,
+and they don't count.
+
+I sat down beside her and we talked for an hour.  I wish I could
+remember all the things she said, and put them down here to be my rules
+for life, but it's so difficult to remember.
+
+She said my gaiety and lightness of heart had been a great help to them
+all, and like sunshine in the school.  Of course, it had led me into
+scrapes at times, but they had been innocent and kindly, and so she had
+not been hard upon me.  But now I was grown up and going out into the
+battle of life, and everything was different.
+
+"You know, dear, the gifts which God gives us are our equipments for
+that fight, and I feel sure your bright, happy disposition has been
+given to you to help you in some special needs of life."
+
+I didn't quite like her saying that!  It made me feel creepy, as if
+horrid things were going to happen, and I should need my spirit to help
+me through.  I want to be happy and have a good time.  I never can
+understand how people can bear troubles, and illnesses, and being poor,
+and all those awful things.  I should die at once if they happened to
+me.
+
+She went on to say that I must make up my mind from the first not to
+live for myself; that it was often a very trying time when a girl first
+left school and found little or nothing to occupy her energies at home,
+but that there were so many sad and lonely people in the world that no
+one need ever feel any lack of a purpose in life, and she advised me not
+to look at charity from a general standpoint, but to narrow it down till
+it came within my own grasp.
+
+"Don't think vaguely of the poor all over the world; think of one person
+at your own gate, and brighten that life.  I once heard a very good man
+say that the only way he could reconcile himself to the seeming
+injustice between the lots of the poor and the rich was by believing
+that each of the latter was deputed by God to look after his poorer
+brother, and was _responsible_ for his welfare.  Find someone whom you
+can take to your heart as your poor sister in God's great family, and
+help her in every way you can.  It will keep you from growing selfish
+and worldly.  In your parents' position you will, of course, go a great
+deal into society and be admired and made much of, as a bright, pretty
+girl.  It is only natural that you should enjoy the experience, but
+don't let it turn your head.  Try to keep your frank, unaffected
+manners, and be honest in words and actions.  Be especially careful not
+to be led away by greed of power and admiration.  It is the best thing
+that can happen to any woman to win the love of a good, true man, but it
+is cruel to wreck his happiness to gratify a foolish vanity.  I hope
+that none of my girls may be so forgetful of all that is true and
+womanly."
+
+She looked awfully solemn.  I wonder if she flirted when she was young,
+and he was furious and went away and left her!  We always wondered why
+she didn't marry.  There's a photograph of a man on her writing-table,
+and Florence said she is sure that was him, for he is in such a lovely
+frame, and she puts the best flowers beside him like a shrine.
+
+Florence is awfully clever at making up tales.  She used to tell us them
+in bed, (like that creature with the name in the _Arabian Nights_).  We
+used to say:
+
+"Now then, Florence, go on--tell us Fraulein's love-story!" and she
+would clear her throat, and cough, and say--"It was a glorious summer
+afternoon in the little village of Eisenach, and the sunshine peering
+down through the leaves turned to gold the tresses of young Elsa Behrend
+as she sat knitting under the trees."
+
+It was just like a book, and so true too, for Fraulein is always
+knitting!  The Romance de Mademoiselle was awfully exciting.  There was
+a duel in it, and one man was killed and the other had to run away, so
+she got neither of them, and it was that that soured her temper.
+
+I really must go to bed--Lorna keeps calling and calling--and Florence
+is crying still--I can hear her sniffing beneath the clothes.  We shall
+be perfect wrecks in the morning, and mother won't like it if I go home
+a fright.  Heigho! the very last night in this dear old room!  I hate
+the last of anything--even nasty things--and except when we've
+quarrelled we've had jolly times.  It's awful to think I shall never be
+a school-girl any more!  I don't believe I shall sleep a wink all night.
+I feel wretched.
+
+PS--Fancy calling me pretty!  I'm so pleased.  I shall look nicer still
+in my new home clothes.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWO.
+
+                                        Bed-time; my own room. May 14th.
+It is different from school!  My room is simply sweet, all newly done up
+as a surprise for me on my return.  White paint and blue walls, and
+little bookcases in the corners, and comfy chairs and cushions, and a
+writing-table, and such lovely artistic curtains--dragons making faces
+at fleur-de-lys on a dull blue background.  I'm awfully well off, and
+they are all so good to me, I ought to be the happiest girl in the
+world, but I feel sort of achey and strange, and a little bit lonely,
+though I wouldn't say so for the world.  I miss the girls.
+
+It was awful this morning--positively awful.  I should think there was a
+flood after I left--all the girls howled so, and I was sticking my head
+out of the carriage window all the journey to get my face cool before I
+arrived.  Father met me at the station, and we spanked up together in
+the dog-cart.  That was scrumptious.  I do love rushing through the air
+behind a horse like Firefly, and father is such an old love, and always
+understands how you feel.  He is very quiet and shy, and when anyone
+else is there he hardly speaks a word, but we chatter like anything when
+we are together.  I have a kind of idea that he likes me best, though
+Spencer and Vere are the show members of the family.  Spencer is the
+heir, and is almost always away because he is a soldier, and Vere is
+away a lot too, because she hates the country, and likes visiting about
+and having a good time.  She's awfully pretty, but--No!  I won't say it.
+I hereby solemnly vow and declare that I shall never say nasty things
+of anyone in this book, only, of course, if they do nasty things, I
+shall have to tell, or it won't be true.  She isn't much with father,
+anyway, and he likes to be made a fuss of, because he's so quiet
+himself.  Isn't it funny how people are like that!  You'd think they'd
+like you to be prim and quiet too, but they don't a bit, and the more
+you plague them the better they're pleased.
+
+"Back again, my girl, are you?  A finished young lady, eh?" said father,
+flicking his whip.
+
+"Very glad of it, I can tell you.  I'm getting old, and need someone to
+look after me a bit."  He looked me up and down, with a sort of anxious
+look, as if he wanted to see if I were changed.  "We had good times
+together when you were a youngster and used to trot round with me every
+morning to see the dogs and the horses, but I suppose you won't care for
+that sort of thing now.  It will be all dresses and running about from
+one excitement to another.  You won't care for tramping about in thick
+boots with the old father!"
+
+I laughed, and pinched him in his arm.  "Don't fish!  You know very well
+I'll like it better than anything else.  Of course, I shall like pretty
+dresses too, and as much fun as I can get, but I don't think I shall
+ever grow up properly, father--enough to walk instead of run, and smile
+sweetly instead of shrieking with laughter as we do at school.  It will
+be a delightful way of letting off steam to go off with you for some
+long country rambles, and have some of our nice old talks."
+
+He turned and stared at me quite hard, and for a long time.  He has such
+a lot of wrinkles round his eyes, and they look so tired.  I never
+noticed it before.  He looked sort of sad, and as if he wanted
+something.  I wonder if he has been lonely while I was away.  Poor old
+dad!  I'll be a perfect angel to him.  I'll never neglect him for my own
+amusement like Resolution number one!  Sentence can't be finished.
+
+"How old are you, child?" father said at last, turning away with a sigh
+and flicking Firefly gently with the whip, and I sat up straight and
+said proudly--
+
+"Nearly nineteen.  I begged to stay on another half year, you know,
+because of the exam, but I failed again in that hateful arithmetic: I'm
+a perfect dunce over figures, father; I hope you don't mind.  I can sing
+very well; my voice was better than any of the other girls, and that
+will give you more pleasure than if I could do all the sums in the
+world.  They tried to teach me algebra, too.  Such a joke; I once got an
+equation right.  The teacher nearly had a fit.  It was the most awful
+fluke."
+
+"I don't seem to care much about your arithmetical prowess," father
+said, smiling.  "I shall not ask you to help me with my accounts, but it
+will be a pleasure to hear you sing, especially if you will indulge me
+with a ballad now and then which I can really enjoy.  You are older than
+I thought; but keep as young as you can, child.  I don't want to lose my
+little playfellow yet awhile.  I've missed her very badly these last
+years."
+
+I liked to hear that.  It was sad for him, of course, but I simply love
+people to love me and feel bad when I'm gone.  I was far and away the
+most popular girl at school, but it wasn't all chance as they seemed to
+think.  I'm sure I worked hard enough for the position.  If a girl
+didn't like me I was so fearfully nice to her that she was simply forced
+to come round.  I said something like that to Lorna once, and she was
+quite shocked, and called it self-seeking and greed for admiration, and
+all sorts of horrid names.  I don't see it at all; I call it a most
+amiable weakness.  It makes you pleasant and kind even if you feel
+horrid, and that must be nice.  I felt all bubbling over with good
+resolutions when father said that, and begged him to let me be not only
+his playmate but his helper also, and to tell me at once what I could
+do.
+
+He smiled again in that sad sort of way grown-up people have, which
+seems to say that they know such a lot more than you, and are sorry for
+your ignorance.
+
+"Nothing definite, darling," he said; "an infinite variety of things
+indefinite!  Love me, and remember me sometimes among the new
+distractions--that's about the best you can do;" and I laughed, and
+pinched him again.
+
+"You silly old dear!  As if I could ever forget!" and just at that
+moment we drove up to the porch.
+
+If it had been another girl's mother, she would have been waiting at the
+door to receive me.  I've been home with friends, so I know; but my
+mother is different.  I don't think I should like it if she did come!
+It doesn't fit into my idea of her, some way.  Mother is like a queen--
+everyone waits upon her, and goes up to her presence like a throne-room.
+I peeped into the mirror in the hall as I passed, and tucked back some
+ends of hair, and straightened my tie, and then the door opened, and
+there she stood--the darling!--holding out her arms to welcome me, with
+her eyes all soft and tender, as they used to be when she came to say
+"good night."  Mother is not demonstrative as a rule, so you simply love
+it when she is.  She looks quite young, and she was the beauty of the
+county when she was a girl, and I never did see in all my life anybody
+so immaculately perfect in appearance!  Her dresses fit as if she had
+been melted into them; her skirts stand out, and go crinkling in and out
+into folds just exactly like the fashion-plates; her hair looks as if it
+had been done a minute before--I don't believe she would have a single
+loose end if she were out in a tornado.  It's the same, morning, noon
+and night; if she were wrecked on a desert island she would be a vision
+of elegance.  It's the way she was born.  I can't think how I came to be
+her daughter, and I know I'm a trial to her with my untidiness.
+
+We hugged each other, and she put her hands on each side of my face, and
+we kissed and kissed again.  She is taller than I am, and very dark,
+with beautiful aquiline features, and deep brown eyes.  She is very
+slight--I'm sure my waist is about twice as big--and her hands look so
+pretty with the flashing rings.  I'm awfully proud of my mother!
+
+"My darling girl!  How rejoiced I am to have you back.  Sit down here
+and let me see you.  How well you look, dear--not any thinner yet, I
+see!  It will be delightful to have you at home for good, for Vere is
+away so much that I have felt quite bereft.  Sit up, darling--don't
+stoop!  It will be so interesting to have another girl to bring out!
+There are plenty of young people about here now, so you need not be
+dull, and I hope we shall be great companions.  You were a sad little
+hoyden in the old days, but now that you have passed eighteen you will
+be glad to settle down, won't you, dear, and behave like the woman you
+are.  Have you no little brooch, darling, to keep that collar straight
+at the neck?  It is all adrift, and looks so untidy.  Those little
+things are of such importance.  I had such a charming letter from Miss
+Martin, full of nice speeches about you.  She says you sing so sweetly.
+You must have some good lessons, for nothing is more taking than a young
+voice properly trained, and I hope you have no foolish nervousness about
+singing in public.  You must get over it, if you have, for I rely on you
+to help me when we have visitors."
+
+"I want to help you, mother.  I will truly try," I said wistfully.  I
+don't know why exactly, but I felt depressed all of a sudden.  I wanted
+her to be so pleased at my return that she didn't notice anything but
+just me, and it hurt to be called to order so soon.  I looked across the
+room, and caught a glimpse of our two figures reflected in a glass--such
+a big, fair, tousled creature as I looked beside her, and my heart went
+down lower then ever.  I shall disappoint her, I know I shall!  She
+expects me to be an elegant, accomplished young lady like Vere, and I
+feel a hoyden still, and not a bit a grown-up woman; besides, father
+said I was to keep young.  How am I to please them both, and have time
+left over to remember Miss Martin's lessons?  It strikes me, Una
+Sackville, you have got your work cut out.
+
+Mother brought me up to see my room.  She has looked after it all
+herself, and taken no end of trouble making the shades.  It looked sweet
+in the sunshine, and I shall love sitting in the little round window
+writing my adventures in this book; but now that it's dark I miss the
+girls: I wonder what Lorna and Florence are doing now?  Talking of me, I
+expect, and crying into their pillows.  It seems years since we parted,
+and already I feel such miles apart.  It seems almost impossible to
+believe that last night I was eating thick bread-and-butter for supper
+and lying down in the middle bed in the bare old dormitory.  Now already
+I feel quite grown up and responsible.  Oh, if I live to be a hundred
+years old, I shall never, never be at school again!  I've been so happy.
+I wonder, I wonder shall I ever be as happy again?
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THREE.
+
+                                                            _June 20th_.
+I've been home a month.  I've got tails to my dresses and silk linings,
+and my hair done up like the people in advertisements, and parasols with
+frills, and a pearl necklace to wear at nights with real evening
+dresses.  I wear white veils, too, and such sweet hats--I don't mind
+saying it here where no one will see, but I really do look most awfully
+nice.  I should just simply love to be lolling back in the victoria, all
+frills and feathers, and the crocodiles to march by.  Wouldn't they
+stare!  It was always so interesting to see how the girls looked grown
+up.
+
+The weather has been lovely, and I do think ours is the very dearest old
+house in the world.  It is described in the guide-books as "a fine old
+Jacobean mansion," and all sorts of foreign royal creatures have stayed
+here as a place of refuge in olden days before father's people bought
+it.  It is red brick covered with ivy, and at the right side the walls
+go out in a great semicircle, with windows all round giving the most
+lovely view.  Opposite the door is a beautiful old cedar, which I used
+to love to climb as a child, and should now if I had my own way.  Its
+lower branches dip down to the grass and make the most lovely bridge to
+the old trunk.  On the opposite side of the lawn there's another huge
+tree; hardly anyone knows what it is, but it's a Spanish maple really--
+such a lovely thing, all shining silver leaves on dark stems.  I used to
+look from one to the other and think that they looked like youth and
+age, and summer and winter, and all sorts of poetical things like that.
+
+On the south side there is another entrance leading down to the terrace
+by a long flight of stone stairs, the balustrades of which are covered
+by a tangle of clematis and roses.  When I come walking down those steps
+and see the peacock strutting about in the park, and the old sundial,
+and the row of beeches in the distance, I feel a thrill of something
+that makes me hot and cold and proud and weepy all at the same time.
+Father says he feels just the same, in a man-ey way, of course, and that
+it is much the same thing as patriotism--love of the soil that has come
+down to you from generations of ancestors, and that it's a right and
+natural feeling and ought to be encouraged.  I know it is in him, for he
+will deny himself anything and everything to keep the place in order and
+give his tenants a good time, but--Resolution number two--I, Una
+Sackville, solemnly vow to speak the plain truth about my own feelings
+in this book, and not cover them up with a cloak of fine words--I think
+there's a big sprinkling of conceit in my feelings.  I _do_ like being
+the Squire's daughter, and having people stare at me as I go through the
+town, and rush about to attend to me when I enter a shop.  Ours is only
+a little bit of a town, and there is so little going on that people take
+an extra special interest in us and our doings.  I know some of the
+girls quite well--the vicar's daughter and the doctor's, and the Heywood
+girls at the Grange, and I am always very nice to them, but I feel all
+the time that I am being nice, and they feel it too, so we never seem to
+be real friends.  Is that being a snob, I wonder?  If it is, it's as
+much their fault as mine, because they are quite different to me from
+what they are to each other--so much more polite and well-behaved.
+
+I spend the mornings with father, and the afternoons with mother.  At
+first she had mapped out my whole day for me--practising, reading,
+driving, etcetera, but I just said straight out that I'd promised to go
+the rounds with father, and I think she was glad, though very much
+surprised.
+
+"He will be so pleased to have you!  It's nice of you, dear, to think of
+it, and after all it will be exercise, and there's not much going on in
+the morning."
+
+She never seemed to think I should enjoy it, and I suppose it would bore
+her as much to walk round to the stables and kennels, and talk to the
+keepers about game, and the steward about new roofs to cottages, and
+cutting timber, as it does him to go to garden-parties and pay formal
+calls.  It seems strange to live together so long and to be so
+different.
+
+I have not met many strangers as yet, because Vere is bringing down a
+party of visitors for August, and mother is not in a hurry to take me
+about until I have got all my things; but one morning, when I was out
+with father, I met such a big, handsome man, quite young, with a brown
+face and laughing eyes, dressed in the nice country fashion which I
+love--Norfolk jacket, knickerbockers and leggings.  Father hailed him at
+once, and they talked together for a moment without taking any notice of
+me, and then father remembered me suddenly, and said--
+
+"This is my youngest daughter.  Come home from school to play with me,
+haven't you, Babs?" and the strange man smiled and nodded, and said,
+"How do, Babs?" just as calmly and patronisingly as if I had been two.
+For a moment I was furious, until I remembered my hockey skirt and cloth
+cap, and hair done in a door-knocker, with no doubt ends flying about
+all round my face.  I daresay I looked fourteen at the most, and he
+thought I was home for the holidays.  I decided that it would be rather
+fun to foster the delusion, and behave just as I liked without thinking
+of what was proper all the time, and then some day he would find out his
+mistake, and feel properly abashed.  His name is Will Dudley, and he is
+staying with Mr Lloyd, the agent for the property which adjoins
+father's, learning how to look after land, for some day he will inherit
+a big estate from an uncle, so he likes to get all the experience he
+can, and to talk to father, and go about with him whenever he has the
+chance, and father likes to have him--I could tell it by the way he
+looks and talks.  We walked miles that morning, over gates and stiles,
+and across brooks without dreaming of waiting for the bridges, and I
+climbed and splashed with the best, and Mr Dudley twinkled his eyes at
+me, and said, "Well jumped, Babs!" and lifted me down from the stiles as
+if I had been a doll.  He must be terrifically strong, for I am no light
+weight, and he didn't seem to feel me at all.
+
+After that morning we were constantly meeting, and we grew to be quite
+friends.  He has thick, crinkly eyebrows, and is clean-shaven, which I
+like in his case, as his mouth has such a nice expression.  He went on
+treating me as a child, and father seemed to think it was quite natural.
+He likes to pretend I am young, poor dear, so that I may be his
+playmate as long as possible.
+
+Yesterday father went in to see some cottagers, and Mr Dudley and I sat
+outside on a log of wood, and talked while we waited for him like this.
+He--patronisingly--
+
+"I suppose it's a great treat for you to getaway from school for a time.
+Where is your school?  Town or country?  Brighton--ugh!" and he made a
+grimace of disgust.  "Shops--piers--hotels--an awful place!  Not a bit
+of Nature left unspoiled; the very sea looks artificial and unlike
+itself in such unnatural surroundings!"
+
+"Plenty of crocodiles on the bank, however--that's natural enough!"  I
+said pertly.  I thought it was rather smart, too, but he smiled in a
+superior "I-will-because-I-must," sort of way, and said--
+
+"How thankful you must be to get away from it all to this exquisite
+calm!"
+
+I don't know much about young men, except what I've seen of Spencer and
+his friends, but they would call exquisite calm by a very different
+name, so I decided at once that Mr Will Dudley must have had a secret
+trouble which had made him hate the world and long for solitude.
+Perhaps it was a love affair!  It would be interesting if he could
+confide in me, and I could comfort him, so I looked pensive, and said--
+
+"You do get very tired of the glare and the dust!  Some of the girls
+wear smoked glasses in summer, and you get so sick of marching up and
+down the front.  Do you hate Brighton only, or every towny place?"
+
+"I hate all towns, and can't understand how anyone can live in them who
+is not obliged.  I have tried it for the last five years, but never
+again!"  He stretched his big shoulders, and drew a long breath of
+determination.  "I've said `Good-bye' for ever to a life of trammelled
+civilisation, with its so-called amusements and artificial manners, and
+hollow friendships, and"--he put his hand to his flannel collar, and
+patted it with an air of blissful satisfaction--"and stiff,
+uncomfortable clothing!  It's all over and done with now, thank
+goodness--a dream of the past!"
+
+"And I am just beginning it!  And I expect to like it very much," I
+thought to myself, but I didn't say so to him; and he went on muttering
+and grumbling all the time he was rolling his cigarette and preparing to
+smoke.
+
+"You don't understand--a child like you.  It's a pity you ever should,
+but in a few years' time you will be so bound round with conventions
+that you will not dare to follow your own wishes, unless you make a bold
+stroke for liberty, as I have done, and free yourself once for all; but
+not many people have the courage to do that--"
+
+"I don't think it takes much courage to give up what one dislikes, and
+to do what one likes best," I said calmly; and he gave a little jump of
+surprise, and stared at me over the smoke of the match with amused eyes,
+just as you look at a child who has said a funny thing--rather
+precocious for its age.
+
+"Pray, does that wise remark apply to me or to you?" he asked; and I put
+my chin in the air and said--
+
+"It was a general statement.  Of course, I can't judge of your actions,
+and, for myself, I can't tell as yet what I _do_ like.  I must try both
+lives before I can decide."
+
+"Yes, yes.  You must run the gauntlet.  Poor little Babs!" he sighed;
+and after that we sat for quite an age without speaking a word.  He was
+remembering his secret, no doubt, and I was thinking of myself and
+wondering if it was really true that I was going to have such a bad
+time.  That reminded me of Miss Martin and her advice, and it came to me
+with a shock that I'd been home a whole month, and had been so taken up
+with my own affairs that I had had no time to think of my "sister."  I
+was in a desperate hurry to find her at once.  I always am in a hurry
+when I remember things, and the sight of the cottages put an idea into
+my head.
+
+"Do you know the people who live in these cottages, Mr Dudley?  I knew
+the old tenants, of course, but these are new people, and I have not
+seen them.  Are they old or young, and have they any children?"
+
+He puffed out words and smoke in turns.
+
+"John Williams--_puff_--wife--_puff_--one baby, guaranteed to make as
+much noise as five--it's a marvel it's quiet now--_puff_.  You can
+generally hear it a mile off--"
+
+"Is it ill, then, the poor little thing?"
+
+"Healthiest child in the world to judge from its appearance and the
+strength of its lungs!  Natural depravity, nothing else"--_puff_!
+
+"And in the next house?"
+
+"Thompson--oldish man--widower.  Maiden sister to keep the house in
+order--Thompson, too, I suspect by the look of him.  Looks very sorry
+for himself, poor soul!"
+
+"What's the matter with him--rheumatism?  Is he quite crippled or able
+to get about?"
+
+"Thompson?  Splendid workman--agile as a boy.  It was his mental
+condition to which I referred!"
+
+"And in the end house of all?"
+
+"Don't know the name.  Middle-aged couple, singularly uninteresting, and
+two big hulking sons--"
+
+Big--hulking!  It was most disappointing!  _No one_ was delicate!  I
+twisted about on my seat, and cried irritably--
+
+"Are they _all_ well, every one of them?  Are you quite sure?  Are there
+no invalid daughters, or crippled children, nor people like that?"
+
+"Not that I know of, thank goodness!  You don't mean to say you _want_
+them to be ill?"  He stared at me as if I were mad, and then suddenly
+his face changed, and he said softly, "Oh, I see!  You want to look
+after them!  That's nice of you, and it would have been uncommonly nice
+for them, too; but, never fear, you will find plenty of people to help,
+if that's what you want.  Their troubles may not take quite such an
+obvious form as crutches, but they are in just as much need of sympathy,
+nevertheless.  In this immediate neighbourhood, for instance--" He
+paused for a moment, and I knew he was going to make fun by the twinkle
+in his eye and the solemn way he puffed out the smoke.  "There's--
+myself!"  So I just paid him back for his patronage, and led up to the
+mystery by saying straight out--
+
+"Yes, I know!  I guessed by what you said about town that you had had
+some disappointment.  I'm dreadfully sorry, and if there's anything at
+all that I can do--"
+
+He simply jumped with surprise and stared at me in dead silence for a
+moment, and then--horrid creature!--he began to laugh and chuckle as if
+it was the most amusing thing in the world.
+
+"So you have been making up stories about me, eh?  Am I a blighted
+creature?  Am I hiding a broken heart beneath my Norfolk jacket?  Has a
+lovely lady scorned me and left me in grief to pine--eh, Babs?  I did
+not know you were harbouring such unkind thoughts of me.  You can't
+accuse me of showing signs of melancholy this last week, I'm sure, and
+as to my remarks about town, they were founded on nothing more romantic
+than my rooted objection to smoke and dust, and bachelor diggings with
+careless landladies.  I assure you I have no tragic secrets to disclose!
+I'm sorry, as I'm sure you would find me infinitely more interesting
+with a broken heart."
+
+"Oh, I'm exceedingly glad, of course; but if you are so happy and
+contented I don't see how you need my help," I said disagreeably; and
+just then father came out of the cottage, and we started for home.
+
+Mr Dudley talked to him about business in the most proper fashion, but
+if he caught my eye, even in the middle of a sentence, he would drop his
+head on his chest and put on the most absurd expression of misery, and
+then I would toss my head and smile a scornful smile.  Some day, when he
+finds out how old I am, he will be ashamed of treating me like a child.
+
+William Dudley is the first stranger mentioned in these pages.  For that
+reason I shall always feel a kind of interest in him, but I am
+disappointed in his character.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FOUR.
+
+                                                            _July 10th_.
+To-day I went a round of calls with mother, driving round the country
+for over twenty miles.  It was rather dull in one way and interesting in
+another, for I do like to see other people's drawing-rooms and how they
+arrange the things.  Some are all new and garish, and look as if they
+were never used except for an hour or two in the evening, and some are
+grand and stiff like a hotel, and others are all sweet and chintzy and
+home-like, with lots of plants and a scent of _pot-pourri_ in china
+vases.  That's the sort of room I like.  I mean to marry a man who
+belongs to a very ancient family, so that I may have lots of beautiful
+old furniture.
+
+Mother gave me histories of the various hostesses as we drove up to the
+houses.
+
+"A dreadfully trying woman, I do hope she is out."  "Rather amusing.  I
+should like you to see her."  "A most hopeless person--absolutely no
+conversation.  Now, darling, take a lesson from her and never, never
+allow yourself to relapse into monosyllables.  It is such a hopeless
+struggle if all one's remarks are greeted with a `No' or a `Yes,' and
+when girls first come out they are very apt to fall into this habit.
+Make a rule that you will never reply to a question in less than four
+words, and it is wonderful what a help you will find it.
+
+"Twist the ends of your veil, dear, they are sticking out...  Oh dear,
+dear, she is at home!  I do have such shocking bad fortune."
+
+She trailed out of the carriage sighing so deeply that I was terrified
+lest the servant should hear.  I shall never call on people unless I
+want to see them.  It does seem such a farce to grumble because they are
+at home, and then to be sweet and pleasant when you meet.
+
+Mrs Greaves was certainly very silent, but I liked her.  She looked
+worn and tired, but she had beautiful soft brown eyes which looked at
+you and seemed to say a great deal more than her lips.  Do you know the
+kind of feeling when you like people and know they like you in return?
+I was perfectly certain Mrs Greaves had taken a fancy to me before she
+said, "I should like to introduce my daughter to you," and sent a
+message upstairs by the servant.  I wondered what the girl would be
+like; a young edition of Mrs Greaves might be pretty, but there was an
+expression on mother's face which made me uncertain.  Then she came in,
+a pale badly dressed girl, with a sweet face and shy awkward manners.
+Her name was Rachel, and she took me to see the conservatory, and I
+wondered what on earth we should find to say.  Of course she asked first
+of all--
+
+"Are you fond of flowers?" and I remembered mother's rule and replied,
+"Yes, I love them."  That was four words, but it didn't seem to take us
+much further somehow, so I made a terrific effort and added, "But I
+don't know much about their names, do you?"
+
+"Yes, I think I do.  I feel as if it was a kind of courtesy we owe them
+for giving us so much pleasure.  We take it as a slight if our own
+friends mispronounce or misspell our own names, and surely flowers
+deserve as much consideration from us," quoth she.
+
+Goodness! how frightfully proper and correct.  I felt so quelled that
+there was no more spirit left in me, and I followed her round listening
+to her learned descriptions and saying, "How pretty!"  "Oh, really!" in
+the most feeble manner you can imagine.
+
+All the while I was really looking at her more than the flowers, and
+discovering lots of things.  Number one--sweet eyes just like her
+mother's; number two--sweet lips with tiny little white teeth like a
+child's; number three--a long white throat above that awful collar.
+Quotient--a girl who ought to be quite sweet, but who made herself a
+fright.  I wondered why!  Did she think it wrong to look nice--but then,
+if she did, why did she love the flowers just for that very reason?
+Rachel Greaves!  I thought the name sounded like her somehow--old-
+fashioned, and prim, and grey; but the next moment I felt ashamed, for,
+as if she guessed what I was thinking, she turned to me and said
+suddenly--
+
+"Will you tell me your name?  I ought to know it to add to my
+collection, for you are like a flower yourself."
+
+Wasn't it a pretty compliment?  I blushed like anything, and said--
+
+"It must be a wild one, I'm afraid.  I look hot-housey this afternoon,
+for I'm dressed up to pay calls, but really I have just left school, and
+feel as wild as I can be.  You mustn't be shocked if you meet me in a
+short frock some morning tearing about the fields."
+
+She leant back against the stand, staring at me with such big eyes, and
+then she said the very last thing in the world which I expected to hear.
+
+"May I come with you?  Will you let me come too some day?"
+
+Come with me!  Rachel Greaves, with her solemn face, and dragged-back
+hair, and her proper conversation.  To tear about the fields!  I nearly
+had a fit.
+
+"I suppose you want to botanise?"  I asked feebly, and she shook her
+head and said--
+
+"No; I want to talk to you--I want to do just what you do when you are
+alone."
+
+"Scramble through the hedges, and jump the streams, and swing on the
+gates, and go bird's-nesting in the hedges?"
+
+She gave a gulp of dismay, but stuck to her guns.
+
+"Y-es!  At least, I could try--you could teach me.  I've learned such a
+number of things in my life, but I don't know how to play.  That part of
+my education has been neglected."
+
+"Wherever did you go to school?  What a dreadful place it must have
+been!"
+
+"I never went to school; I had governesses at home, and I have no
+brothers nor sisters; I am very much interested in girls of my own age,
+especially poor girls, and try to work among them, but I am not very
+successful.  They are afraid of me, and I can't enter into their
+amusements; but if I could learn to romp and be lively, it might be
+different."
+
+It was such a funny thing to ask, and she looked so terribly in earnest
+over it, that I was simply obliged to laugh.
+
+"Do you mean to say you want to learn to be lively, as a lesson--that
+you are taking it up like wood-carving or poker-work--for the sake of
+your class and your influence there?"
+
+She blinked at me like an owl, and said--
+
+"I think, so far as I can judge of my own motives, that that is a
+truthful statement of the case!  I have often wished I knew someone like
+you--full of life and spirit; but there are not many girls in this
+neighbourhood, and I met no one suitable until you came.  It is a great
+deal to ask, but if you would spend a little time with me sometimes I
+should be infinitely grateful."
+
+"Oh, don't be grateful, please, until you realise what you have to
+endure.  Nothing worth having can be gained without suffering," I said
+solemnly.  "I shall lead you a terrible dance, and you must promise
+implicit obedience.  I'm a terrible bully when I get the chance."
+
+I privately determined that I'd teach her other things besides play, and
+we agreed to meet next morning at eleven o'clock to take our first walk.
+Mother was much amused when I told her of our conversation.
+
+"You'll soon grow tired of her, darling; she is impossibly dull, but a
+good creature who can do you no harm.  You can easily drop her if she
+bores you too much."
+
+But I don't expect to be bored, I expect it will be very amusing.
+
+                                                             _Next Day_.
+It was!  She was there to meet me with a mushroom hat over her face,
+looking as solemn as ever, and never in all my life did I see a poor
+creature work so hard at trying to enjoy herself.  She runs like an
+elephant, and puffs like a grampus; says, "One, two, three," at the edge
+of the streams, then gives a convulsive leap, and lands right in the
+middle of the water.  She was splashed from head to foot, and quite pink
+in the cheeks imagining she was going to be drowned, and in the next
+hedge her hat caught in a branch, and was literally torn from her head.
+Then we sat down to consider the situation, and to collect the fallen
+hairpins from the ground.
+
+She has a great long rope of hair, and she twists and twists and twists
+it together like a nurse wringing out a fomentation, so I politely
+offered to fasten it for her, and loosened it out and pulled it up over
+her forehead, and you wouldn't believe the difference it made.  We found
+some wild strawberries, and ate them for lunch, and I wreathed the
+leaves round her head, and when her fingers were nicely stained with the
+juice, and she looked thoroughly disreputable, I held out the little
+looking-glass on my chatelaine, and gave her a peep at herself, and
+said--
+
+"That's the result of the first lesson!  What do you think of the effect
+on your appearance?"
+
+"I beg your pardon!  I'm quite ashamed.  What have I been doing?" she
+cried all in a breath, and up went both hands to drag her hair back, and
+tear out the leaves, but I caught them in time and held them down.
+
+"Implicit obedience, remember!  I like you better as you are.  It's such
+pretty hair that it's a sin to hide it away in that tight little knot.
+Why shouldn't you look nice if you can?"
+
+That began it, and we had quite a solemn discussion, something like
+this--
+
+Rachel, solemnly: "It does not matter how we look, so long as our
+characters are beautiful!"
+
+Una: "Then why was everything on the earth made so beautiful if we were
+not intended to be beautiful too?  How would you like it if everything
+was just as useful, but looked ugly instead of pretty?  When you have
+the choice of being one or the other it's very ungrateful to abuse your
+talent!"
+
+"Beauty a talent!  I have always looked upon it as a snare!  How many a
+woman's life has been spoiled by a lovely face!"
+
+"That's the abuse of beauty, not the use!"  I said, and felt quite proud
+of myself, for it sounded so grand.  "Of course, if you were silly and
+conceited, it would spoil everything; but if you were nice, you would
+have far more influence with people.  I used to notice that with the
+pretty girls at school, and, of course, there's mother--everyone adores
+her, and feels repaid for any amount of trouble if she will just smile
+and look pleased."
+
+"Ah, your mother!  But there are not many like her.  You spoke of having
+a choice, but in my own case, for instance, how could I--what could I
+do?"
+
+"You could look fifty thousand times nicer if you took the trouble.  I
+thought so the first time I saw you, and now I know it.  Look in the
+glass again; would you know yourself for the same girl?"
+
+She peered at herself, and gave a pleased little smirk just like a human
+being.
+
+"It's the enjoyment lesson, and the red cheeks--but oh, I couldn't--I
+really couldn't wear my hair like that!  It looks so terribly as if I--I
+_wanted_ to look nice!"
+
+"Well, so you do, don't you?  I do, frightfully!  I'd like to be
+perfectly lovely, and so charming that everyone adored me, and longed to
+be with me."
+
+"Ah, that's different," she said softly, and her eyes went shiny and she
+stared straight ahead at nothing, in the way people do who are thinking
+nice thoughts of their own which they don't mean you to know.  "To be
+loved is beautiful, but that is different from admiration.  We love
+people for their gifts of mind and heart, not for their appearance."
+She meandered on for quite a long time, but I really forget all she
+said, for I was getting tired of moralising, and wondering what excuse I
+could make to leave her and fly off home across the fields.  Then
+suddenly came the sound of footsteps at the other side of the stile, and
+who should come jumping over just before our very faces but Will Dudley
+himself on his way home to lunch.  He stared for a moment, hardly
+recognising the two hat-less, dishevelled mortals squatted on the grass,
+and then came forward to shake hands.  The funny thing was that he came
+to me first, and said, "How do you do?" and then just shook hands with
+Rachel without ever saying a word.  She didn't say anything either, but
+I could see she was horribly embarrassed, thinking of her hair and the
+strawberry leaves, and he looked at her and looked again as if he could
+not understand what had happened.
+
+I thought it would be fun to tell him all about it when we reached the
+cross-roads, and Rachel left us alone.  I was glad she was going another
+way, because it's rather a nuisance having a stranger with you when you
+want to talk, and I knew Mr Dudley very well by this time.  He would be
+so amused at the idea of the enjoyment lesson.  I was looking forward to
+our talk; but oh, dear, what horrid shocks one does get sometimes!  I
+shall never, never forget my feelings when we got to the corner, and he
+held out his hand to me--me--Una Sackville, and walked calmly off with
+Rachel Greaves.
+
+It was not as if he had been going in her direction; his way home was
+with me, so why on earth should he choose to go off with her?  Are they
+lovers, or friends, or what?  Why did he take no notice of her at first,
+then suddenly become so anxious for her society?  It's not that I care a
+scrap, but it seemed so rude!  I've been as cross as two sticks all day.
+Nothing annoys me more than to be disappointed in my friends!
+
+Eleven o'clock.  I was comfortably settled in bed when I suddenly
+remembered resolution number two.  The real reason that I am annoyed is
+that I am conceited enough to think I am nicer than Rachel, and to want
+Mr Dudley to think so too.  How horrid it looks written down!  I
+believe it will do me heaps of good to have to look at plain truths
+about myself in staring black and white.  Perhaps Lorna is right after
+all, and I have a greed for admiration!  I'll turn over a new leaf and
+be humble from this day.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FIVE.
+
+                                                            _July 15th_.
+I was not in the least interested to know anything about what Will
+Dudley and Rachel Greaves talked about together, but I was anxious to
+find out if she had said anything to show him that I was really grown-
+up, instead of the child he thought me; so the next time we met I asked
+her plump and plain--
+
+"What did you and Mr Dudley say about me the other morning?"
+
+We were walking along a lane together, and she turned her head and
+stared at me in blank surprise.
+
+"About you?  The other morning?  We--we never spoke of you at all!"
+
+Then I suppose I looked angry, or red, or something, for she seemed in a
+tremendous hurry to appease me.
+
+"We have a great many interests in common.  When we lived in town we
+belonged to the same societies, and worked for the same charities.  It
+is interesting to remember old days, and tell each other the latest news
+we have heard about the work and its progress."
+
+"Then you knew him before he came here?  He is not a new friend?"
+
+"Oh, no--we have known him for years.  It was father who got him his
+present position."
+
+"And you like him very much?"
+
+"Yes," she said quietly.  "Isn't it lovely to see the hedges covered
+with the wild roses?  I think they are almost my favourite flower--so
+dainty and delicate."
+
+"Nasty, prickly things--I hate them!"  I cried; for I do detest being
+snubbed, and she could not have told me more plainly in so many words
+that she did not choose to speak of Will Dudley.  Why not?  I wonder.
+Was there some mystery about their friendship?  I should not mind
+talking about anyone I know, and it was really absurd of Rachel to be so
+silent and reserved.  I determined not to ask her any more questions,
+but to tackle Mr Dudley himself.
+
+Two days after there was the garden party, where I knew we should meet.
+He was bound to go, as it was on the estate where he was living, and I
+was to make my first formal appearance in society, in the prettiest
+dress and hat you can possibly imagine.  Mother was quite pleased with
+me because I let her and Johnson fuss as much as they liked, and tie on
+my white veil three times over to get it in the right folds.  Then I
+looked in the glass at my sweeping skirts, and hair all beautifully done
+up, and laughed to think how different I looked from Babs of the morning
+hours.
+
+We drove off in state, and I was quite excited at the prospect of the
+fray; but I do think garden parties are dreadfully dull affairs!  A band
+plays on the lawn, and people stroll about, and criticise one another's
+dresses, and look at the flowers.  They are very greedy affairs, too,
+for really and truly we were eating all the time--tea and iced coffee
+when we arrived; ices, and fruits, and nice things to drink until the
+moment we came away.  I don't mean to say that I ate straight on, of
+course, but waiters kept walking about with trays, and I noticed
+particularly what they were like, so as not to take two ices running
+from the same man.  I had a strawberry, and a vanilla, and a lemon--but
+that was watery, and I didn't like it.  I was talking to the hostess,
+when I saw Mr Dudley coming towards us, and he looked at me with such a
+blank, unrecognising stare that I saw at once he had no idea who I was.
+Mrs Darcy talked to him for a moment while I kept the brim of my hat
+tilted over my face, then she said--
+
+"Don't you know Miss Sackville?  Allow me to introduce Mr Dudley, dear.
+Do take her to have some refreshment, like a good man.  I am sure she
+has had nothing to eat!"
+
+I thought of the coffee, and the ices, and the lemonade and the
+sandwiches, but said nothing, and we sauntered across the lawn together
+talking in the usual ridiculous grown-up fashion.
+
+"Lovely day, isn't it?"
+
+"Quite charming.  So fortunate for Mrs Darcy."
+
+"Beautiful garden, isn't it?"
+
+"Charming!  Such lovely roses!"
+
+"Beautiful band, isn't it?"
+
+"Oh, charming!  Quite charming!"
+
+Then he seated me at a little table and provided me with an ice, (number
+four), and stared furtively at me from the opposite side.  It _was_ fun.
+I crinkled my veil up over my nose and tilted my hat over my forehead,
+and shot a glance at him every now and then, to find his eyes fixed on
+me--not recognising at all, but evidently so puzzled and mystified to
+think who I could be.  Father had told him only a week before that Vere
+would not be home for a month--and now who was this third Miss Sackville
+who had suddenly appeared upon the scene?
+
+"You have returned home rather sooner than you intended, haven't you?"
+he inquired, and I shook my head and said--
+
+"Oh, no, I kept to the exact date.  I always do!  What makes you think
+otherwise?"
+
+"I--er--I thought I heard you were not expected for some time to come.
+You have been staying with friends?"
+
+"Oh, a number of friends!  Quite a huge house party.  I feel quite lost
+without them all."
+
+He would have been rather surprised if I had explained that the party
+consisted of forty women and no man, but that was not his business, and
+it was perfectly true that I missed them badly.  All the Rachel
+Greaveses in the world would never make up for Lorna and the rest!
+
+"But you have your sister!" he said.  "I have seen a good deal of your
+sister in her morning walks with Mr Sackville.  She is a charming
+child, and most companionable; I am sure she will be a host in herself!"
+
+"It's very good of you!  I can't tell you how pleased I am to hear you
+say so!"  I said suavely; but do what I would, I could not resist a
+giggle, and he stared at me harder than ever, and looked so confused.  I
+was so afraid that he would find me out and spoil the fun that I
+determined not to try to keep up the delusion any longer.  He was going
+to cross-question me, I could see it quite plainly, so I lay back in my
+chair, smoothed out my veil, and smiled at him in my most fascinating
+manner.
+
+"I'm so pleased that you have formed such a good opinion of me, Mr
+Dudley!  I was really afraid you had forgotten me altogether, for you
+seemed hardly to recognise me a few minutes ago."
+
+He leant both arms on the table so that his face was quite near to mine.
+"_Who are you_?" he asked, and I laughed, and nodded in reply.
+
+"I'm Babs--Una Sackville is my name--England is my nation, Branfield is
+my dwelling--"
+
+"Don't joke, please.  I want to understand.  _You--are--Babs_!  Have you
+been deliberately deceiving me, then?  Pray, what has been your object
+in posing as a child all these weeks!"
+
+That made me furious, and I cried hotly--
+
+"I never posed at all--I never deceived you!  Father treats me as a
+child, and you followed his example as a matter of course, and I was
+very pleased to be friends in a sensible manner without any nonsense.
+If I had said, `Please, I'm nineteen--I've left school, and am coming
+out--this is a hockey skirt, but I wear tails in the evening,' you would
+have been proper, and stiff, and have talked about the weather, and we
+should have had no fun.  If anyone is to blame, it is you, for not
+seeing how really old I was!"
+
+He smiled at that, and went on staring, staring at my face, my hair, my
+long white gloves, the muslin flounces lying on the ground round my
+feet.
+
+"So very old!" he said.  "Nineteen, is it?  And I put you down as--
+fourteen or fifteen, at the most!  And so Babs has disappeared.  Exit
+Babs!  I'm sorry.  She was a nice child; I enjoyed meeting her very
+much.  I think we should have been real good friends."
+
+"She has not disappeared at all.  You will meet her to-morrow morning.
+There is nothing to prevent us being as good friends as ever," I
+declared, but he shook his head in a mysterious fashion.
+
+"I think there is!  There's a third person on the scene now who will
+make it difficult--for me, at least--to go back to the same footing.
+There's Una!" he said, and looked at me with his bright grey eyes, up
+and down, down and up again, in a grave, quiet sort of way which I had
+never seen before.  It made me feel nice, but rather uncomfortable, and
+I was glad when he brightened up again, and said gaily--
+
+"I owe a hundred apologies for my lack of ceremony to this fine, this
+very fine, this super-fine young lady!  I'll turn over a new leaf for
+the future, and treat you with becoming ceremony.  I can quite imagine
+the disgust of the budding _debutante_ at my cavalier ways.  Confess now
+that your dignity was sorely wounded?"
+
+His eyes were twinkling again.  They are grey, and his face is so brown
+that they look lighter than the skin.  I never saw anyone's eyes look
+like that before, but it is awfully nice.  I thought there was a
+splendid opening, so I said--
+
+"No; I was never vexed but once.  I like being treated sensibly, but
+that morning when you left me, and went out of your way with Rachel
+Greaves--I was sorry then that you did not know that I was grown up."
+
+"You thought if I had I would have walked with you instead?  Why?"
+
+I blushed a little, and it seemed to me that he blushed too--his cheeks
+certainly looked hot.  It was a horrid question to answer, and he must
+have known for himself what I meant.  I really and truly don't think
+many men would go out of their way for Rachel Greaves.  I answered by
+another question--it was the easiest way.
+
+"I didn't know then that you were old friends.  I suppose you get to
+like her better when you know her well?"
+
+"Naturally.  That is always the case with the best people."
+
+"And she is--"
+
+"The best woman I have ever met, and the most selfless!" he said
+solemnly.  "Have you spoken to Rachel about me?  What has she told you?
+I should like you to know the truth, though it is not yet general
+property.  You can keep it to yourself for awhile?"
+
+I nodded.  I didn't want to speak, for I felt a big, hard lump swelling
+in my throat, and my heart thumped.  I knew quite well what he was going
+to say, and I hated it beforehand.
+
+"We are engaged to be married.  It will probably be an engagement for
+years, for Rachel feels her present duty is at home, and I am content to
+wait her pleasure.  I don't go up to the house very often, as the old
+gentleman is an invalid, and dislikes visitors, but we understand one
+another, and are too sensible to fret because we cannot always be
+together.  Only when an opportunity occurs, as it did the other
+morning-- Why--you understand?"
+
+"Yes, I understand," I said slowly.  I was thinking it over, and
+wondering, if I were ever engaged, if I should like my _fiance_ to be
+content and sensible, and quite resigned to see me seldom, and to wait
+for years before we could be married.  I think I would rather he were in
+a hurry!
+
+Oh, I wish I were selfless, too!  I wish I could be glad for them
+without thinking of myself; but I do feel so lonely and out in the cold.
+I'm thankful that Vere is coming home next week, and the house will be
+filled with visitors.  Engaged people are no use--they are always
+thinking about each other!
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SIX.
+
+                                                            _July 20th_.
+Rachel was surprised when I told her that I knew her secret, and I don't
+think she was pleased.
+
+"Will told you!  Will told you himself!" she repeated, and stared at me
+in a puzzled, curious fashion, as if she wondered why on earth he should
+have chosen to make a confidante of me.  "It is hardly a regular
+engagement, for father will not hear of my leaving home, and the waiting
+may be so long that I have told Will it is not fair to bind him.  He
+says he is content to wait, but we agreed to speak about it as little as
+possible for some time to come."
+
+"Oh, well, I'll keep the secret.  You need not be afraid that I shall
+gossip about you," I told her.  She wears no ring on her engagement
+finger, but always, always--morning, noon and night--there is a little
+diamond anchor pinned in the front of her dress.  I suppose he has given
+her that instead, as a symbol of hope--hope that in ten or a dozen
+years, when she is an old thing over thirty, they may possibly be
+married!  Well, I can imagine Rachel waiting twenty years, if it comes
+to that, and keeping quite happy and serene meantime; but Will Dudley is
+different--so quick and energetic and keen.  I could not have imagined
+him so patient.
+
+Yesterday Vere came home, bringing her friends with her, and already
+Rachel and her love affair seems far away, and we live in such a bustle
+and confusion that there is no time to think.  I'm rather glad, for I
+was getting quite dull and mopey.  They arrived about five in the
+afternoon, and came trooping into the hall, where tea was waiting.  Two
+girls and three men, and Vere herself, prettier than ever, but with just
+the old, aggravating, condescending way.
+
+"Hallo, Babs!  Is that you transformed into a young lady in long
+dresses, and your hair done up?  You dear, fat thing, how ridiculous you
+look!" she cried, holding me out at arm's length, and laughing as if it
+were the funniest joke in the world, while those three strange men stood
+by staring, and I grew magenta with embarrassment.
+
+One of the men was tall and handsome, with a long, narrow face, and
+small, narrow eyes; he laughed with her, and I hated him for it, and for
+having so little sympathy with a poor girl's feelings.  Another was
+small, with a strong, square-set figure, and he looked sorry for me; and
+the third looked on the floor, and frowned as if something had hurt his
+feelings.  He was the oldest and gravest-looking of the three, and I
+knew before he had been ten minutes in the room that he adored Vere with
+his heart, and disapproved of her with his conscience, and was miserable
+every time she did or said a thoughtless thing.
+
+"I told you I had a smaller sister at home--here she is!  Rather bigger
+than I expected, but not much changed in other respects.  Don't be shy,
+Babs!  Shake hands nicely, and be friends!"  Vere cried laughingly,
+taking me by the shoulders and pushing me gently towards where the men
+stood; but, just as I was fuming with rage at being treated as if I were
+two, father came suddenly from behind, and said in his most grand
+seigneur manner--
+
+"Allow me, Vere!  If an introduction is made at all, it is best to make
+it properly.  Captain Grantly, Mr Nash, Mr Carstairs, I have the
+honour of introducing you to my second daughter, Miss Una Sackville."
+
+The change of expression on the men's faces was comical to behold.
+Captain Grantly, the narrow-faced one, bowed as if I had been the Queen,
+and the nice little man smiled at me as if he were pleased--he was Mr
+Nash, and poor Mr Carstairs flushed as if he had been snubbed himself;
+I was quite sorry for him.
+
+The girls were very lively and bright, spoke in loud voices, and behaved
+as if they had lived in the house all their lives, which is supposed to
+be good manners nowadays.  Margot Sanders is tall and fair, and wears
+eye-glasses, and Mary Eversley, who is "Lady Mary," would have been
+considered very unladylike indeed at our polite seminary.
+
+It seems to be fashionable nowadays for a girl to behave as much like a
+man as possible, and to smoke and shout, and stand with her arms behind
+her back, and lounge about anyhow on her chair.  Well, I won't!  I don't
+care if it's fashionable or not!  I'd rather have been a boy if I'd had
+the choice, but as I am a girl I'll make the best of it, and be as nice
+a specimen as I can.  Lorna says a girl ought to be like a flower--
+sweet, modest and fragrant; she's a bit sentimental when you get her
+alone, but I agree with the idea, though I should not have expressed it
+in the same way.  If I were a man I should hate to marry a girl who
+smelt of tobacco and shrieked like a steam whistle.  I'd like a dear,
+dainty thing with a soft voice and pretty, womanly ways.  I hereby vow
+and declare that I will stick to my colours, and set an example to those
+old things who ought to know better.  Lady Mary must be twenty-five if
+she is a day.  I don't expect she will ever be married now.  With the
+clear-sighted gaze of youth, I can see that she is hiding a broken heart
+beneath the mask of mirth.  Life is frightfully exciting when you have
+the gift of penetrating below the surface.
+
+Will Dudley came to dinner; he was the only stranger, as he made the
+number even.  I wore my new white chiffon, and thought I looked very
+fine till I went downstairs and saw the others.  They were smart, and
+Vere looked lovely, and did the honours so charmingly that even mother
+seemed to make way for her.  Poor mother! she looked so happy; she dotes
+on Vere, and is so proud of her; it does seem hard she doesn't have more
+of her society!  I felt sad somehow, and sort of lonely as I watched
+them together--Vere fussing round and saying pretty, flattering little
+speeches, and mother smiling at her so tenderly.  I feel nice things,
+too, but I can't say them to order; my lips seem all tight and horrid,
+as if they wouldn't move.  I felt like the elder brother in the parable,
+because I really have denied myself, and been bored fearfully sometimes
+these last weeks doing fancy-work with mother, and driving about shut up
+in a horrid, close carriage, while Vere has been gadding about and
+enjoying herself; and then the moment she comes home I am nowhere beside
+her!  Injustices like this sear the heart, and make one old before one's
+time.
+
+I suppose I looked sad, for Will Dudley crossed over the room to talk to
+me.
+
+"Aren't you well?" he asked, and his eyes looked so anxious and worried
+that it quite comforted me.
+
+"I have rather a headache," I began, without thinking of what I was
+saying, and then, (somehow I never can help telling him exactly how I
+feel), I stopped, and contradicted myself flat.  "I'm perfectly well,
+but I think I'm jealous.  I have been the only child for so long, and
+now my poor little nose is out of joint, and I don't like it a bit.  It
+aches."
+
+I thought he would sympathise and protest that I could never be
+superseded, in his opinion at least, but he just sighed, and said
+slowly--
+
+"Yes, she is very lovely!  It must be a great responsibility to have a
+face as beautiful as hers, with all the influence over others that is
+its accompaniment!" and looked straight across the room to where Vere
+stood beneath the shaded lamp.
+
+She was not looking in our direction; but, as if she felt his gaze
+without seeing it, she turned her head slowly round and raised her eyes
+to his, and so they stood while you could have counted ten, staring,
+staring, straight into each other's eyes, and I saw the colour fade
+gradually out of Vere's face, as though she were frightened by what she
+saw.  That is the way people fall in love!  I've read about it in books.
+They sort of recognise each other when they meet, even if they are
+perfect strangers, and Lorna says it is the soul recognising its mate.
+But I know well enough that Vere would never satisfy Will Dudley, and,
+besides, there is Rachel--poor patient Rachel, who trusts him so
+faithfully.  I looked up quickly to see if he had turned pale also.  He
+was rather white, but there was a curious little smile about the corners
+of his lips which quietened my fears.  I should not have liked that
+smile if I had been Vere.  There was something contemptuous in it
+despite its admiration, and a sort of defiance, too, as if he were
+quite, quite sure of himself and secure from all temptation; but then
+they do begin like that sometimes, and the siren weaves on them her
+spells, and they succumb.  I wonder how it will end with Vere and Will
+Dudley!
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SEVEN.
+
+It is rather jolly having a house full of people; and father and mother
+and Vere are so clever at entertaining.  There is never any fuss nor
+effort, and people are allowed to go their own way, but there is always
+something to do if they choose to do it.  I must say that, for grown-up
+people, these visitors are very frivolous, and play about together as if
+they were children.  Mr Nash began showing me tricks with pennies after
+breakfast the first morning, and I was so interested learning how to do
+them that it was half-past ten before I thought of joining father at the
+stables.  It was too late then, and I wasn't altogether sorry, for it
+was livelier going about with these new people, and it wasn't my fault,
+for I should have gone if I'd remembered.  I was extra nice to father at
+lunch to make up, and he didn't seem a bit vexed, so I needn't trouble
+another day.  Really, I think it is my duty to help Vere all I can.  She
+questioned me about Will Dudley the first time we were alone.  I knew
+she would, and decided to tell her of his engagement.  I had been told
+not to speak of it generally; but to my own sister it was different, and
+I had a feeling that she ought to know.
+
+"Who is that Mr Dudley?" she asked, and when I told her all I knew, she
+smiled and dropped her eyes in the slow, self-confident fashion which
+other people think so fascinating but which always make me long to shake
+her.
+
+"Really, quite an acquisition!" she drawled.  "A vast improvement on the
+native one generally meets in these wilds.  We must cultivate him, Babs!
+He makes our number even, so we can afford to spoil him a little bit,
+as it is a convenience to ourselves at the same time.  It will be a
+godsend for him to meet some decent people."
+
+"As a matter of fact, he came to live in the country because he was sick
+of society and society people.  He is not a country bumpkin, Vere, and
+won't be a bit grateful for your patronage.  In fact, I don't believe he
+will come oftener than once or twice.  When a man is engaged it's a bore
+to him to have to--"
+
+"Engaged!" she cried.  "Mr Dudley!  Who told you he was engaged?  I
+don't believe a word of it.  Some stupid local gossip!  Who told you
+that nonsense?"
+
+"He told me himself!"
+
+"He did?  My dear Babs, he was having a joke!  No man would confide such
+a thing to a child like you!"
+
+"You are mistaken there.  He has told me heaps of things besides this,
+and I know the girl, and have spoken to her about it.  You know her,
+too.  Rachel Greaves, who lives at `The Clift'."
+
+"Rach-el Greaves!  Oh! oh!" cried Vere, and put her hands to her sides
+in peals of derisive laughter.  "Oh, this is too killing!  And you
+_believed_ it?  You dear, sweet innocent!  That man and--Rachel Greaves!
+My dear, have you seen her hair?  Have you seen her hat?  Could you
+really imagine for one moment that any man could be engaged to a
+creature like that?"
+
+"I don't imagine--I know!  They have been engaged for years.  It will be
+years more before they are married, for old Mr Greaves won't give his
+consent.  And Rachel won't leave home without it; but Mr Dudley is
+quite willing to wait.  He says she is the best woman in the world."
+
+"Oh, I daresay!  She is frumpy enough for anything; and you call that an
+engagement?  My dear, he will no more marry her than he'll marry the
+moon.  It's just a stupid platonic friendship, and as he has not known
+anything else he thinks it is love.  Imagine being in love with that
+solemn creature!  Imagine making pretty speeches and listening to her
+correct copy-book replies!  Wait!  I should think she may wait!  She'll
+have a surprise one of these days when he meets the right girl, and bids
+Rachel Greaves a fond farewell!"
+
+"He'll do nothing of the sort," I said hotly.  "I do hate you, Vere,
+when you sneer like that, and make out that everyone is worldly and
+horrible, like yourself!  Will Dudley is a good man, and he wants a good
+woman for his wife--not a doll.  He'd rather have Rachel's little finger
+than a dozen empty-headed fashion-plates like the girls you admire.  But
+you don't understand.  Your friends are all so different that you cannot
+understand an honest man when you meet him."
+
+"Can't I?  What a pity!  Don't get into a rage, dear, it's so
+unnecessary.  I'm sorry I'm so obtuse; but at least I can learn.  I'll
+make it my business to understand Mr Dudley thoroughly during the
+autumn.  It will be quite an occupation," replied Vere, with her head in
+the air and her eyes glittering at me in a nasty, horrid, cold,
+calculating "You-wait-and-see" kind of way which made me ill!  It was
+just like Tennyson's Lady Clara Vere de Vere, who "sought to break a
+country heart for pastime ere she went to town," for Vere would never be
+content to marry Will Dudley, even if she succeeded in winning him from
+Rachel.  Poor Rachel!  I felt so sorry for her; she has so little, and
+she's so sweet and content, and so innocent that a serpent has entered
+into her Eden.  It sounds rather horrid to call your own sister a
+serpent, but circumstances alter cases, and it really is appropriate.  I
+think Vere expected me to fly into another rage, but I didn't feel angry
+at all, only sorry and ashamed, and anxious to know what I could do to
+baulk her dark designs.
+
+"I'm thankful I'm not a beauty!"  I said at last, and she stared for a
+moment, and then laughed and said--
+
+"Because of the terrible temptations which you escape?  Dear little
+innocent!  Don't be too modest, however; you really have improved
+marvellously these past few months.  If you could hear what the men said
+about you last night--"
+
+"I don't want to hear, thank you," I returned icily; and that was one
+temptation overcome, anyhow, for I just died to know every single
+remark!  It's awful to care so much about what people think about you,
+as I do.  After she went away I sat down and reviewed the situation, as
+they say in books, and mapped out a plan of action.  I wanted to feel
+that I was doing some good to someone, so I decided then and there to be
+a guardian angel to Will and Rachel.  It's wonderful what you can do,
+even if you are only nineteen and a girl, if you set your mind to it,
+and determine to succeed.  They have both been kind to me, and I am
+their friend, and mean to help them.  I'd rather be flayed alive than
+say so to a living soul, but I can now confess to these pages that I was
+jealous of Rachel myself when I first heard of the engagement, and I
+wondered, if Will had never seen her, if perhaps he--oh, a lot of silly,
+idiotic things; for he is so different from the other men you meet that
+you simply can't help liking him.  So now it will be a discipline for me
+to have to forget myself, and try to keep them together.  Perhaps when
+they are married they will know all, and bless my memory, and call one
+of their children after me, and I shall be content to witness their
+happiness from afar.  I've read of things like that, but I always
+thought I'd be the married one, not the other.  You do when you are
+young, but it's awful what sorrows there are in the world.  I am not
+twenty yet, and already my life is blighted, and my fondest hopes laid
+in the dust...
+
+------------------------------------------------------------------------
+
+Such ripping fun!  We are all going for a moonlight party up the river,
+with hampers full of good things to eat at supper on the bank above the
+lock.  We are taking rugs to spread on the grass, and Japanese lanterns
+to make it look festive, and not a single servant, so that we shall do
+everything ourselves.  We girls are all delighted, but I think the men--
+Captain Grantly especially--think it's rather mad to go to so much
+trouble when you might have your dinner comfortably at home.  Male
+creatures are like that, so practical and commonplace, not a bit
+enthusiastic and sensible like school-girls.  We used to keep awake
+until one o'clock in the morning, and sit shivering in dressing-gowns,
+eating custard, tarts and sardines, and thought it was splendid fun.  I
+think a picnic where servants make the fire and pack away the dishes is
+too contemptible for words.
+
+Vere wanted Will Dudley to come with us, so I went round to the "The
+Clift" that very afternoon and invited Rachel to come too.  I am as much
+at liberty to invite my friends as she is to ask hers, and this was
+meant to be a checkmate to her plans; but Rachel was too stupid for
+words, and wouldn't be induced to accept.
+
+"I always play a game with father in the evening," she said.  "He would
+miss it if I went out."
+
+"But he can't expect you never to go out!  He would appreciate you all
+the more if you did leave him alone sometimes," I said, talking to
+myself as much as to her, for it was four days since I had been a walk
+with my father, and my horrid old conscience was beginning to prick.
+"Do come, Rachel.  I want you particularly," but she went on refusing,
+so then I thought I would try what jealousy would do.  "We shall be such
+a merry party; Vere is prettier and livelier than ever, and her friends
+are very amusing.  Lady Mary is very handsome, and she sings and plays
+on the mandoline.  She is going to take it with her to-night.  It will
+be so pretty, the sound of singing on the water, and she will look so
+picturesque under the Japanese lamps."
+
+She looked wistful and longing, but not a bit perturbed.
+
+"I wish I could come!  It sounds charming.  I've hardly ever been on the
+river, never in the evening; but I should be worrying about father all
+the time.  He is old, you see, Una, and he has such bad pain, and his
+days seem so long.  It must be so sad to be ill and know that you will
+never get any better, and to have nothing to look forward to."  Her face
+lit up suddenly, and I knew she was thinking of the time, years ahead,
+when what she was looking forward to would come true.  "I really could
+not neglect father for my own amusement."
+
+"But you have someone else to think of!"  I reminded her cunningly.  "I
+told you who was coming.  You ought to think of his pleasure."
+
+"Oh, he will enjoy it in any case!  He loves being on the water; I am so
+glad you asked him!" she cried, quite flushed with delight, if you
+please, at the thought that Will was coming without her.  I did feel a
+worm!  Never, no, never could I be like that.  If I were engaged to a
+man and couldn't go anywhere, I should like him to stay at home too, and
+think of me, and not dare to enjoy himself with other girls; but Rachel
+is not like that.  Sometimes I wish she were just a wee, tiny bit less
+sensible and composed.  I could love her better if she were.
+
+We all went down to the boat-house at eight o'clock, we girls with long
+coats over our light dresses, because it's silly to catch cold, and so
+unbecoming, and on the way I told Will about Rachel.  He came at once
+and walked beside me, and gave me such a nice look as he thanked me for
+thinking of it.
+
+"That was kind of you!  She would be pleased to be remembered, but this
+sort of thing is out of her line.  She will be happier at home!"
+
+Poor Rachel!  That's the worst of being chronically unselfish; in the
+end people cease to give you any credit for it, and virtue has to be its
+own reward, for you don't get any other.  I did think it was hard that
+even Will should misjudge her so, and be so complacent about it into the
+bargain, but it was hardly my place to defend her to him, of all people
+in the world.
+
+"You will come into my boat, of course," he said in his masterful way
+when we drew near the ferry; but I had seen Vere divide parties before
+now, and I knew very well I should not be allowed to go where I chose.
+It was as good as a play to see how she did it, seeming to ponder and
+consider, and change her mind half a dozen times, and to be so
+spontaneous and natural, when all the time her plans had been made from
+the very beginning.  Finally, she and Will took possession of the first
+boat, with Lady Mary and Captain Grantly, who were always together, and
+were too much taken up with their own society to have eyes for anyone
+else.  Miss Talbot, Mr Nash, Mr Carstairs and I went into the second
+boat--Miss Talbot furious because she felt it a slight to be put with a
+child like me--Mr Carstairs depressed as he generally was, poor man!--I
+with a heavy weight inside me, feeling all of a sudden as if I hated
+parties and everything about them, and dear little Mr Nash, happy and
+complacent, cracking jokes to which no one deigned to listen.  Isn't it
+funny to think how miserable you can be when you are supposed to be
+enjoying yourself?  I dare say if you only knew it, lots of people have
+aching hearts when you envy them for being so happy.  The people on the
+banks looked longingly at us, but three out of the four in our boat were
+as cross and dissatisfied as they could be; and it made it worse to hear
+them enjoying themselves in the other boat; Vere's trills of laughter,
+and Lady Mary's gentlemanly "Ha, ha!" ringing out in response to the
+murmur of the men's voices.  When you are on land with the wrong people
+there is always the chance of a change, but you _do_ feel so "fixed" in
+a boat!  I simply longed to reach the lock, and felt as cross as two
+sticks, until suddenly I met Mr Carstairs' eyes, looking, oh, so sad
+and hopeless, and I felt so sorry that I simply had to rouse up to cheer
+him.  He must know perfectly well that Vere doesn't care for him, but he
+seems as if he could not help caring for her, and staying on and on,
+though he is miserable all the time, I like him!  He has a good look in
+his face, and talks sensibly about interesting things, instead of
+everlastingly chaffing or paying compliments, which seems to be the
+fashion nowadays.  I think I shall favour his suit, and try to help him.
+
+I talked, and he looked first bored, and then amused, and in the end
+quite interested and happy, so that we drew up by the bank to join the
+others in quite a cheerful mood, much to my relief.  It is humiliating
+to look left out in the cold, however much you may feel it.
+
+Vere was flushed, and unlike herself somehow.  She fussed over the
+laying out of the supper, and it wasn't like Vere to fuss, and whenever
+she wanted anything done she always turned first of all to Will Dudley,
+and half the time he was looking the other way and never noticed what
+she ask, when poor Mr Carstairs did it at once and got snubbed for his
+pains.
+
+I was the youngest, and had to do all the uninteresting things, such as
+unpacking the spoons and forks, and taking the paper wrappings off the
+tumblers, while the others laid out the provisions and quarrelled over
+the best arrangement.  But it was fun when we all sat down and began to
+eat.  The Japanese lanterns were tied to the trees overhead, and made
+everything look bright and cheery, for the moon had hidden itself behind
+the clouds, and it had been just a wee bit cheerless the last half-hour.
+We heated the soup over a little spirit-lamp, and had lobster salad on
+dainty little paper plates, and cold chicken and cutlets, and all sorts
+of delicious sweets and fruit, and we all ate a lot, and groaned and
+said how ill we should be in the morning, and then ate some more and
+didn't care a bit.  It was almost as good as a feast in the dormitory.
+Then we told funny stories, and asked riddles, and Lady Mary sang coon
+songs to her mandoline, and I was enjoying myself simply awfully when
+someone said--it was Mr Nash, and I shall never forgive him for it--
+
+"Now it's your turn, Miss Una!  Your father is always talking of your
+singing, yet we never seem to hear you.  Too bad, you know!  You can't
+refuse to-night, when we are all doing our best to amuse each other.
+Now, then, what is it to be?"
+
+I was horrified!  I love singing, but it seemed so formidable with no
+accompaniment, and no piano behind which to hide my blushes, but the
+more I protested, the more they implored, until Vere said quite
+sharply--
+
+"For goodness' sake, child, do your best, and don't make a fuss!  Nobody
+expects you to be a professional!"
+
+"Start ahead, and I'll vamp an accompaniment.  It will be better than
+nothing," said Lady Mary kindly, and Will whispered low in my ear:
+"Don't be nervous.  Do your best.  Astonish them, Babs!"  And I did.
+That whisper inspired me somehow, and I sang "The Vale of Avoca,"
+father's favourite ballad, pronouncing the words distinctly, as the
+singing mistress always made us do at school.  I love the words, and the
+air is so sweet, and just suits my voice.  I always feel quite worked up
+and choky when I come to the last verse, but I try not to show it, for
+it looks so silly to cry at yourself.
+
+There was quite a burst of applause when I finished.  The men clapped
+and called out "Bravo!  Bravo!"  Lady Mary said, "You little wretch!
+You do take the wind out of my sails.  Fancy having to be bothered to
+sing with a voice like that!  Gracious!  I should never leave off!" and
+Vere laughed, and said in her sweetest tones, "But, for pity's sake,
+don't turn sentimental, Babs!  It's so absurdly out of keeping!  Stick
+to something lively and stirring--something from the comic operas!  That
+would be far more in your line, don't you think so, Mr Dudley?"
+
+Will was leaning back on his elbow, resting his head on his hand.
+
+"It's a question of taste," he said lazily.  "Some people are fond of
+comic operas.  Personally, I detest them; but I don't profess to be a
+judge.  I only know what I like."
+
+"A sentimental ballad, for example?"
+
+"Occasionally.  Not always, by any means."  He seemed determined not to
+give a straight-forward answer, and Vere turned aside with a shrug and
+began to talk to Mr Carstairs.  She always takes refuge with him when
+other people fail her.  I felt all hot and churned up with the
+excitement of singing, and then with rage at being snubbed in that
+public fashion.  It spoiled all the pleasure and made me wonder if I had
+really made an exhibition of myself, and they were only pretending to be
+pleased.
+
+The others were chattering like magpies; only Will Dudley and I were
+silent.  I felt his eyes watching me, but I wouldn't look at him for
+quite a long time, till at last I simply had to turn round, when he
+smiled, such a kind nice smile, and said--
+
+"Well, better now?  Got the better of the little temper?"
+
+"I don't know; partly, I suppose, but I do hate to be snubbed.  I didn't
+want to sing.  I did it to be polite; and it's horrid to think I made an
+idiot of myself."
+
+Silence.  It was no use.  I _had_ to ask him--
+
+"Did I make an idiot of myself?"
+
+"You know you didn't."
+
+"Did you--did you think it was nice?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+That was all.  Not another word could I get out of him, but I felt
+better, for it sounded as if he really meant it, and I cared for his
+opinion most of all.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER EIGHT.
+
+                                                          _August 15th_.
+It is three weeks since the moonlight picnic, and so many things have
+happened since then, such awful, terrible things, that I don't know how
+to begin to tell them.  I didn't think when I began this diary how
+thrilling it was going to be before I'd got half way through; but you
+never know what is going to happen in this world.  It's awful how
+suddenly things come.  I don't think I can ever again feel confident and
+easy-going, as I used to do.  You read in books sometimes, "She was no
+longer a girl, she was a woman," and it is like that with me.
+Everything seems different and more solemn, and I don't think I can ever
+frivol again in quite the same whole-hearted way.
+
+To begin at the beginning: we had a very lively time for the next week,
+and I grew quite fond of Vere's friends, even Lady Mary, whom I hated at
+first, and they all made a fuss of me, and made me sing every night till
+I felt quite proud.  I invited Rachel over and over again, but she would
+never accept our invitations; but Will came often, either to dinner or
+lunch, or for an odd call, and Vere neglected everyone for him, and was
+so fascinating that I was in terror all the time.  He admired her, of
+course; he would have been blind if he hadn't, but I could not decide if
+he liked her or not.  Sometimes I saw him smiling to himself in the
+queer, half-scornful way he had done when they first met, and then I was
+sure he did not; but at other times he would watch her about the room,
+following every movement as if he couldn't help himself, and that's a
+bad sign.  Lorna has a sister who is married, and she knew the man was
+going to propose, because he looked like that.  Somehow I never had a
+chance of a quiet talk, when I could have given him a hint, and it was
+thinking about that and wondering how I could see him alone which made
+me suddenly remember that it was a whole week and more since I had been
+a walk with father.  I went hot all over at the thought.  It was ghastly
+to remember how I had planned and promised to be his companion, and to
+care for him first of all, and then to realise how I had forsaken him at
+the very first temptation!  He was so sweet about it, too, never
+complaining or seeming a bit vexed.  Parents are really angels.  It must
+be awful to have a child, and take such trouble with it all its life,
+and then to be neglected for strangers.  I hadn't the heart to write in
+my diary that night.  I was too ashamed.  I was worse than Vere, for I
+had posed as being so good and dutiful.  I won't make any more vows, but
+I confess here with that I am a selfish pig, and I am ashamed of myself.
+
+The next morning I could hardly wait until breakfast was over, I was so
+anxious to be off.  I got my cap and ran down to the stable and slipped
+my arm in father's as he stood talking to Vixen.  He gave a little start
+of surprise--it hurt me, that start!--looked down at me and said,
+smiling--
+
+"Well, dear, what is it?"
+
+"Nothing.  I'm coming with you!"  I said, and he squeezed my hand
+against his side.
+
+"Thank you, dear, but I'm going a long round.  I won't be back until
+lunch.  Better not leave your friends for so long."
+
+"Vere is with them, father.  I want to come."
+
+"What's the matter?  Not had a quarrel, have you?  Has Vere been--"
+
+"No, no, she hasn't!  _Nothing_ is the matter, except that I want you,
+and nobody else.  Oh, father, don't be so horribly kind!  Scold me--call
+me a selfish wretch!  I know I have neglected you, dear.  There was
+always something to do, and I--forgot, but really and truly I remembered
+all the time.  It isn't nonsense, father, it's true.  Can you
+understand?"
+
+"I've been nineteen myself, Babs; I understand.  Don't worry, darling.
+I missed you, but I was glad that you were happy, and I knew your heart
+was in the right place.  We won't say anything more about it, but have a
+jolly walk and enjoy ourselves."
+
+Oh, it is good to have someone who understands!  If he had scolded or
+been reproachful I should have felt inclined to make excuses, but when
+he was so sweet and good I just loved him with all my heart, and prayed
+to be a better daughter to him all my life.
+
+We had lovely walks after that, and on the third morning we met Will
+Dudley, and once again he and I sat on a log waiting for father while he
+interviewed a tenant.  My heart quite thumped with agitation as I
+thought that now was the time to lead the conversation skilfully round
+to Vere, and insinuate delicately that she had a mania for making people
+fall in love with her, and that it didn't always mean as much as it
+seemed when she was sweet and gushing.  It wasn't exactly an easy thing
+to do, but you can't be a guardian angel without a little trouble.
+
+"So you have torn yourself away from your friends this morning," he said
+at last.  "How is it that you were allowed to escape?  What is the
+special campaign for killing time to-day, if one may ask?"
+
+"You may ask, but it's rude to be sarcastic.  You are often lazy
+yourself, though in a different fashion.  You love to lie on your back
+on the grass and do nothing but browse and stare up at the sky.  You
+have told me so many times."
+
+"Ah, but what of my thoughts?  Under a semblance of ease I am in reality
+working out the most abstruse problems.  I did not mean to be sarcastic;
+I inquired in all seriousness how your valuable company could be
+spared."
+
+"For the best of all reasons--because nobody wanted it!  Captain Grantly
+wants Lady Mary, Lady Mary wants Captain Grantly.  Miss Talbot wants
+someone she can't get, but it doesn't happen to be me; the rest all want
+Vere, and have no thought for anyone else.  Men always do want to be
+with Vere.  Wherever she goes they fall in love with her and follow her
+about.  She is so lovely, and she--she likes to be liked.  Everyone says
+she is so charming and irresistible--they have told her so since she was
+a child--and she likes to prove that it was true.  If--if anyone seems
+to like anyone else better it--sort of--worries her, and makes her feel
+neglected."
+
+"I see."
+
+"Then, of course, she is extra specially nice, and seems to be more
+interested in him than anyone else."
+
+"Pleasant for him!"
+
+"It is, for a time.  But if he trusted to it and believed that she was
+really in earnest, he might get to care himself, and then, when he found
+out, he would be disappointed."
+
+"Naturally so."
+
+"It has happened like that before, several times, and sometimes there
+are other people to be considered--I mean there might be another girl
+whom the man had liked before, and when he had given her up, and found
+that-that--"
+
+"That he had given up the substance and grasped the shadow--"
+
+"Yes; then, of course, they would both be miserable, and it would be
+worse than ever."
+
+"Naturally it would be."
+
+He spoke in the same cool, half-jeering tone, then suddenly turned round
+and bent his head down to mine, staring at me with bright grey eyes.
+
+"Why not be honest, Babs, and not beat about the bush?  You think that
+my peace is threatened and want to warn me of it, isn't that it, now?
+You are my very good friend, and I am grateful for your interest.  Did
+you think I was in danger?"
+
+"Sometimes--once or twice!  Don't be angry.  I know you would be true
+and loyal, but sometimes--I saw you watching her--"
+
+"She is very lovely, Babs; the loveliest woman I have ever seen.  There
+was some excuse for that."
+
+"I know, I feel it myself, and it was just because I could understand a
+little that I spoke.  I thought quite likely that you might be angry at
+first, but it was better that you should be that than wretched in the
+end."
+
+"Quite so; but I am not angry at all, only very grateful for your
+bravery in tackling a difficult subject.  I have a pretty good opinion
+of myself, but I am only a man, and other men have imagined themselves
+secure and found out their mistake before now.  Forewarned is forearmed.
+Thank you for the warning," and he smiled at me with a sudden flash of
+the eyes which left me hot and breathless.
+
+Was I in time?  Had he really begun to care for Vere so soon as this?  I
+longed to say more, but dared not.  All my courage had gone, and I was
+thankful when father came out of the cottage and put an end to our
+_tete-a-tete_.
+
+I thought there would be a difference after this, but there wasn't--not
+a bit.  When Will came to the house he was as nice as ever to Vere, and
+seemed quite willing to be monopolised as much as she liked.  If he
+avoided anyone it was me, and I was not a bit surprised.  People may say
+what they like, but they do bear you a grudge for giving them good
+advice.  I sat in a corner and made cynical reflections to myself, and
+nobody took any notice of me, and I felt more cynical than ever, and
+went to my bedroom and banged about the furniture to relieve my
+feelings.
+
+Vere came into my room soon after, and stood by the window talking while
+I brushed my hair.  The blind was up, for it was moonlight and I hate to
+shut it out.  Her dress was of some soft silvery stuff, and, standing
+there in the pale blue light, she looked oh, so lovely, more like a
+fairy than a human creature!  I am so glad I admired her then; I'm glad
+I told her that I did; I'm glad, glad, glad that I was nice and loving
+as a sister ought to be, and that we kissed and put our arms round each
+other when we said good night.
+
+"Sleep well, little girl, you look tired.  We can't let you lose your
+bonny colour," she said, in her, pretty caressing way; nobody can be as
+sweet as Vere when she likes.
+
+I was tired, but I sat by the window for quite a long time after she
+left, thinking, thinking, thinking.  I can't tell what I thought
+exactly, so many things passed through my head, and when I said my
+prayers I hardly said any words at all; I just put down my head and
+trusted God to understand me better than I did myself.  I had so much to
+make me happy, but I was not happy somehow.  I had so much to make me
+content, yet there was something missing that made everything else seem
+blank.  I wanted to be good, and such horrid, envious feelings rose up
+in my heart.  In my dear little room, at my own dear little table, I
+asked God to help me, and to take care of me whatever happened.
+
+And He did, but it was not in the way I expected.
+
+At last the moon disappeared behind the clouds which had been gathering
+for some time, and I went to bed and fell fast asleep as soon as my head
+touched the pillow, as I always do, no matter how agitated I am.  I
+suppose it's being nineteen and in such good health.  "How long I slept
+I cannot tell," as they say in ghost stories, but suddenly I woke up
+with a start and a sort of horrid feeling that something was wrong.  The
+room felt close and heavy, and there was a curious noise coming from
+outside the door, a sort of buzzing, crackling noise.  I didn't get up
+at once, for I felt stupid and heavy; it was a minute or two before I
+seemed really able to think, and then--oh, I shall never forget that
+moment!--I knew what it was.  I felt it!  I went cold all over, and my
+legs shook under me as I stepped on to the floor.
+
+The air was thick, and it smelt.  My door was the nearest to the
+staircase, and when I opened it a great cloud of smoke rolled in my
+face.  For a moment it was all cloud and darkness, then a light shot up
+from below, and the crackling noise was repeated.  It was true, quite
+true.  The house was on fire, and already the staircase was ablaze!
+
+
+
+CHAPTER NINE.
+
+                                                          _August 16th_.
+We used to wonder at school sometimes how we should behave if we
+suddenly found ourselves in a position of great danger.  I always said I
+should scream and hide my face, and faint if I possibly could, but I am
+thankful to remember that, when it came to the point, I did nothing of
+the sort.  My heart gave one big, sickening throb, and then I felt
+suddenly quite calm and cold and self-possessed, almost as if I didn't
+care.  I went back into my room, put on my dressing-gown and slippers,
+took up a big brass bell which one of the girls had given me, and,
+shutting the door carefully behind me, ran along the corridor, ringing
+it as loudly as I could, and knocking at each door as I passed.  I
+didn't call out "Fire!"--it was too terrifying; besides, I knew the
+others would guess what was wrong as soon as they heard the bell and
+smelt the smoke, and, in less than two minutes, every door was open, and
+the occupants of the different rooms first peeped and then rushed out on
+to the landing in dressing-gowns and shawls, and all sorts of quaint-
+looking wraps.  One light was always left burning all night long, so we
+could see each other, even when the smoke hid that other horrible lurid
+light, and it is wonderful how brave we all were on the whole.  Mother
+came forward wrapped in her long blue gown, and found a chair for Madge
+Talbot, who was the only one who showed signs of breaking down, just as
+quietly and graciously as if she had been entertaining her in the
+drawing-room.  Father and the men consulted rapidly together, and Vere
+put her arm round me, and leant on my shoulder.  I could feel her
+trembling, but she shut her lips tight, and tried hard to smile
+encouragingly at poor Madge, and all the time the smoke grew thicker,
+and the horrid crackling louder and nearer.
+
+"The drawing-room!" we heard father say.  "The servants have been
+careless in putting out the lights, and something has smouldered and
+finally caught the curtains--that's the most probable explanation.  If
+that is the case, I fear the back stairs will be impassable; they are
+even nearer than these."
+
+He turned and ran quickly down the passage, followed by Captain Grantly
+and Mr Nash.  Mr Carstairs came and stood by Vere's side, as if he
+could not bear to leave her unprotected, and she looked up at him and
+smiled a white little smile, as if she were glad to have him there.  A
+moment later the men came back, and, as father turned and closed the
+heavy oak door which divided one wing from another, we knew without
+asking that the other staircase was also cut off.
+
+Madge began to sob hysterically, but father stopped her with a wave of
+his hand, and said sharply, addressing us all--
+
+"The back staircase is impracticable, but if we keep our senses, there
+is no real danger to fear.  I have rung the alarm bell, and the men will
+soon be round with ropes and ladders.  The best thing you can do is to
+go back to your rooms, dress rapidly, and collect a few valuables which
+can be lowered from the window.  You can have five minutes--no longer.
+I will ring a bell at the end of that time, and we will all meet in my
+room, which is the centre position, and therefore the farthest from the
+fire.  Now, girls, quick!  There is no time to lose!"
+
+We ran.  Some time--in a long, long time to come--we shall laugh to
+think what curious costumes we made!  It was just the first thing that
+came to hand.  I was decently clothed in two minutes, seized a dressing-
+bag, put in my pearl necklace, a few odd trinkets, this diary, and the
+old Bible I have had since I was ten years old, and rushed along to
+mother's room to see if I could help.
+
+She was putting on a long dark coat, and had a lace scarf tied over her
+hair.  Even then, in the middle of the night, she looked dignified and
+beautiful, and her eyes melted in the tender way they have at great
+moments as she saw me.
+
+"Ready, daughter?" she said smiling, and then came up and took me into
+her arms.  "Good girl!  Brave girl!  We must help the others, Una.  You
+and I have no time to be afraid."
+
+"Thank you, mother darling!"  I said, gratefully, for I had been, oh,
+terribly afraid, and it was just the best thing she could have said to
+calm me and give me courage; and, while we clung together, father came
+hurrying in.  He hardly seemed to notice me, Babs, his pet daughter!--He
+looked only at mother, and spoke to her.
+
+"Are you warm, Carina?  Are you suitably dressed?  You must have no
+train--nothing to make movement difficult.  That's all right.  Don't
+trust yourself to anyone but me, sweet-heart!  I'll come to you in good
+time!"
+
+"Yes, Boy, yes!  I'll come with you," said mother softly.
+
+They went out of the room arm-in-arm, never once looking at me.  It
+seemed as if at the first touch of danger they had gone back to the old
+days when they were lovers, and no difference of interest had arisen to
+draw them apart.  It made the tears come to my eyes to see them, and I
+was glad to be forgotten.
+
+The women servants were all awake by now, and, finding their own
+staircase in flames, came swarming down the corridor to escape by the
+main way; when they found this also was impracticable, they began to
+shriek and moan, and to implore us to save them, and it was hard work to
+get them into one room and keep them quiet.  The men crowded at the
+window, looking for help, and shouting directions to the coachmen and
+gardeners when at last they came running towards the house.  They flew
+off, some to get ropes and ladders, some to alarm the neighbourhood, and
+bring help from the nearest fire office.  It was three miles off, and in
+the country firemen are scattered about in outlying cottages, and there
+would be all the way to come back.  It made one sick to think how long
+it might be before the engine arrived; and meantime the fire was
+steadily spreading on the ground floor.  When father bent forward to
+shout to the men, the light on his face was dreadful to see.  I had a
+horrible longing to scream, and I think I should have done it if I
+hadn't been so occupied with Annie, the kitchen-maid, who was literally
+almost mad with fright.  It seemed to soothe her to hold my arm, poor
+little soul.  Respect for "the gentry" had been so instilled into her
+from her earliest years that I honestly believe she imagined the very
+flames would hesitate to touch the Squire's "darter!"
+
+It seemed ages before William and James came back--without the ladders!
+They were kept locked up by father's special orders, as so many jewel
+burglaries had taken place in the neighbourhood, the thieves using
+ladders to get into a bedroom while dinner was going on downstairs.
+Now, in the usual contrary way of things, the man who had the key had
+ridden away, forgetting all about it in his haste to bring help.  Father
+stamped with impatience while the men were reporting their failure and
+asking further instructions.  It was getting more and more difficult to
+hear, with that horrid roar coming up from below, and Mr Carstairs said
+suddenly--
+
+"We can't waste time like this!  These men have lost their heads.
+Grantly, you and I are strongest.  We must get down and break in the
+door.  Come to the back of the house; there must surely be some way of
+dropping down on an out-house."
+
+"The blue room--over the larder.  It's a deep drop, but safe enough for
+fellows like you.  I'll show you!" cried father promptly, and led the
+way forward.  It was no time to protest or to make polite speeches.
+Something had to be done, and done at once.  I watched them go and
+envied them.  It's hardest of all to be a woman and have to wait.  I
+would rather a hundred times have faced that drop than have sat in that
+room listening to the noise, seeing Vere growing whiter and whiter, and
+mother's face grow old and lined.  If the worst came to the worst, I
+would go and sit beside them, but for the present I held Annie's hand
+and stroked it, and wondered if it could be true that life was really
+going to end like this.  Only nineteen, and just home from school--it
+seemed so young to die!  I remembered Will, and wondered if he would be
+sorry, and if he and Rachel would talk of me when they were married.
+Then I forgot everything, and lust shut my eyes and prayed, prayed,
+prayed.
+
+A great shout of relief and joy!  Father and Mr Nash were leaning out
+of the window waving their hands to the other men, who were carrying the
+ladders across the lawn.  We all sobbed with relief, for it seemed as if
+escape must be easy now, but the ladders were not long enough, they had
+to be tied together, and by this time the flames were leaping out of the
+window below; we could see the light dancing up and down, and it seemed
+a dreadful prospect to have to pass them on an open ladder.  I looked at
+mother--mother who never walked a step outside the grounds, who was
+waited upon hand and foot, and spent half her time lying on the sofa.
+It seemed impossible that she could attempt such a feat!
+
+The moment the ladder was fixed father turned round and called to us to
+come forward, but we all hung back silent and trembling.  Then he
+stamped his foot, and his eyes flashed.
+
+"Are you going to turn cowards and risk other lives besides your own?
+There is not a moment to lose.  Every moment will make it more
+formidable.  Mary, you are a brave girl!  Will you lead the way?"
+
+She walked forward without a word.  I did admire her!  Father lifted her
+up; a pair of arms were thrust out to receive her from the midst of the
+clouds of smoke.  We all held our breath for what seemed an age, but was
+only a few minutes, I suppose, and then came another cheer, and we knew
+she was safe.  The servants rushed forward at that, but when they looked
+down and saw the flames licking the very side of the ladder, they
+shrieked again and fell back; so Madge went next, and then father walked
+up to mother and took her by the hand.  She looked up at him and shook
+her head.
+
+"Not yet, dear, not yet.  The girls first!" she said, but he wouldn't
+listen to that.
+
+"The girls wouldn't go before you.  You can't stand this any longer.  I
+am going to carry you down and come back for them.  Come, sweetheart!"
+
+She rose then without a word, and we saw him lift her in one arm like a
+baby and let himself down slowly, slowly with the other hand.
+
+Oh, the awfulness of that moment when they both disappeared and we were
+left alone!  With father gone it seemed as if there were no one left to
+keep order or inspire us with any show of courage.  I think we all went
+mad or something like it, and, before we knew what was happening, one of
+the servants had opened the door and flown shrieking along the passage.
+Another great gust of smoke rushed into the room; we could hardly see
+each other; we were all rushing about, jostling together, fighting like
+wild things for air and freedom.
+
+"Vere, Vere!"  I shouted, and she clutched at my arm, and we ran
+together down the corridor, to the head of the servants' stairs, back
+again faster than ever into the blue room where the men had let
+themselves down to the roof of the larder.  There seemed just a chance
+that we might be able to do the same.  It was the only chance I could
+think of, and Vere was clinging to me, begging me to save her, and not
+let her be burnt.
+
+"I can't die, Babs--I can't!  I've never thought of it.  I'm frightened!
+Oh, Babs, Babs, think of something--think of a way--Save me!  Save me!"
+
+"I'll try, Vere, but you must help, you must be quiet!  The heat is not
+so bad here, and if we get on the roof and call, someone may hear us.
+They will come to look if they find we have gone.  Oh, we should never
+have left that room!  Father trusted us to wait for him, but it is too
+late now...  Look, here's a sheet: we must tear it into strips and make
+a rope.  It will be easier that way."
+
+But when they tell you in books to make ropes of sheets, they forget
+that it's almost impossible to tear strong new sheets, and that one
+cannot always find scissors in a strange room in the middle of the
+night.  In the end, we could only knot the two together, and tie one end
+to the rail of the washstand.  It was not long enough then, but I
+scrambled out and let myself down to the end, and then dropped, and by
+good providence managed to steady myself on the roof beneath.  It was
+not so very sloping as roofs go, and the gutter was deep, and made a
+kind of little wall round the edge.  I called to Vere to follow, and
+promised to catch her, but it took, oh, ages of coaxing and scolding
+before she would venture, and it was only by a miracle that we didn't
+both fall to the ground, for she let go so suddenly and clutched at me
+in such frantic terror when I stretched up to catch her.  We didn't
+fall, however, but cowered down together on the roof with our feet fixed
+firmly against the projecting gutter, and I, for one, felt in a worse
+position than ever.  We were still too far from the ground to jump down
+without hurting ourselves on the hard paving stones, and no one was in
+sight, no one heard our calls for help.  To make things worse, in
+getting nearer the ground we had come nearer to the fire itself, for
+some of the windows on the ground floor had fallen in, and it was just
+like looking into the heart of a furnace.  There is nothing more awful
+than the speed with which fire travels.  One feels so utterly helpless
+before it.  The tiles on which we sat were hot.  I don't know if it was
+fancy, but every now and then I seemed to feel a movement beneath us as
+if something might give way.  I think now that it really was
+nervousness, for the roof was left practically unhurt, but at the time
+anything seemed possible, and I was terrified.  We called and called
+again, but no one came, and it seemed as if hours passed by, and the
+fire came creeping nearer and nearer.  Sometimes Vere would be frantic
+with excitement; sometimes she would cover her face with her hands and
+moan; sometimes she would be on the brink of fainting.  I began to see
+that if something was not done at once she would faint, and then we
+would probably both fall to the ground together and be killed outright.
+Something had to be done, and I had to do it.  I went creepy cold all
+down my spine, for I knew what it was I had to do, and was in mortal
+terror of facing it.
+
+Somehow or other, if Vere were to be saved in time, I must get up from
+my cramped seat, lower myself over the edge of the roof, hang at full
+length from the coping and drop on to the flags beneath.  The men had
+done it, but they were men, and it was a big drop even for them, and
+they haven't got nerves like girls, or skirts, or slippers with heels.
+I was frightened out of my wits, but I knew that every moment I thought
+about it I should be more frightened still, so I just told Vere what I
+was going to do--and did it!
+
+I can't write about it; it makes me feel queer even now!  The awful
+moment when you get over and swing into space; and the feeling that you
+must look down, the ache in your hands as you cling on, and the terror
+of leaving go!  Mental pain is worse than physical, so it was really a
+relief to reach the ground, even though one foot did go over, and a pain
+like a red-hot poker shot up the leg.  I thought I had broken the foot
+to pieces, but it was only the ankle that was sprained, and I could limp
+along, in a fashion, though so slowly that it took ages to get round to
+the front of the house.  At another time I suppose I should have sat
+still and howled; but you don't think of pain when it is a case of life
+and death, and I knew there was no time to spare.
+
+It could not really have been very long since we left father's room, but
+already the scene was quite changed.  The alarm bell had roused the
+neighbourhood, and there was quite a little crowd on the lawn.  I saw at
+a glance how it was that we had not been missed.  The servants had
+rushed upstairs to the third storey, and were grouped together at a
+window there screaming and calling for help, while the poor men worked
+hard at lengthening the ladders.  At a distance, and through the clouds
+of smoke, it was impossible to distinguish one figure from another, and
+everyone had taken for granted that we were there with the rest.  Nobody
+noticed me hobbling forward till I got close up to the workers, and saw
+a well-known grey figure busy with the ropes.  I pulled at his arm, and
+he lifted a white face, then leapt to his feet and seized me by both
+hands.
+
+"You, Una!  Here!  Thank God!  How is it possible?  Which way did you
+come?"
+
+"Out of a window--but, oh, don't talk--you must save Vere first!  Round
+at the back--now--at once!  I'll show you the way, but I can't walk, my
+foot is hurt--"
+
+I felt as if I could not keep up a moment longer, but Will picked me up
+in his arms as if I had been a baby, and said soothingly--
+
+"There!  Now think quietly for one moment, and tell me what we shall
+want!  Where is she--high up?  Shall I get some of these men to help."
+
+"She's on an outhouse roof.  I dropped down, but it hurt me, you see,
+and Vere daren't attempt it.  A ladder would do, just one ladder.
+There's Mr Carstairs--he'll come!  I'll tell him where to go."
+
+I did tell him, and the poor fellow's face of mingled rapture and fear
+was touching to see; then Will went on in front, still carrying me in
+his arms, while the others followed with ladders and sheets and all
+kinds of things that might be needed.  I was moaning to myself all the
+time, and Will put down his head and said tenderly--
+
+"Does it hurt so much, poor little girl?"
+
+But it was my heart which hurt; I was so terrified of what we were going
+to find.
+
+She was still there.  I lifted my head as we came round the corner of
+the house, and I could see her.  She was not sitting as when I had left,
+but half standing, half crouching forward, her hands stretched out, her
+hair loose over her shoulders.  She looked like a mad woman; she _was_
+mad, poor Vere, and the sight of us in the distance seemed to excite her
+more than ever.  We called to her; we begged her to be calm, to sit
+still for one moment--just one moment longer.  The men ran forward to
+reassure her, but she didn't understand--she seemed past understanding.
+Just as help was within reach she threw out her arms with a dreadful cry
+and jumped, and her foot caught in the coping as she fell.  Oh, I can't
+write about it!  I must forget, or I shall go mad myself!...
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TEN.
+
+                                                          _August 16th_.
+They picked her up, poor Vere! the man who loved her, and the servants
+who had known her since she was a child; picked her up and laid her on a
+board which did duty for a stretcher, rolled up a pillow for her head,
+and drew her golden hair back from her face.  Mr Carstairs took off his
+coat and laid it over her as she lay.  His face was as white as hers,
+and all drawn with pain, while hers was quite still and quiet.  So
+still!  I was afraid to look at her, or to ask any questions.
+
+Will put me down in a corner, and I sat there trembling and sick at
+heart, watching the little procession go round the corner of the house.
+I thought they had forgotten me, and I didn't care.  I was past caring!
+The pain and the shock and excitement were making me quite faint and
+rambly in the head, when someone spoke to me suddenly, and put an arm
+round my neck.
+
+"It's all over, darling!  We have come to take you home.  All your
+troubles are over now," said a soft voice, and I looked up and saw a
+face looking down at me inside a close-fitting hood.  For a moment I did
+not recognise her; I thought it was a nun or someone like that sprung
+out of a hazy dream, but when she smiled I knew it was Rachel, and
+somehow I began to cry at once, not because I was sorry, but because now
+that she was there I could afford to give way.  She would look after
+Vere.
+
+"Yes, cry, dear, it will do you good; but you mustn't stay here any
+longer.  We have brought a chair, and are going to put you in it, and
+carry you home to the Grange.  We are your nearest neighbours, so you
+must give us the pleasure of looking after you for a time.  They are
+taking your sister on ahead, and a man has ridden off for a doctor.  He
+will look after that poor foot of yours presently.  I am afraid it will
+be painful for you to be moved, but we will be very careful.  The
+servants are preparing rooms in case they are needed.  You shall get
+straight to bed."
+
+"And mother and father?"
+
+"Your mother was taken to the Lodge.  She is well, but very exhausted.
+They want to keep her quiet to-night.  Your father knows you are safe.
+He is very thankful, but he will not leave his post until the servants
+are safe.  Now here is the chair, and here are Will and the coach-man
+waiting to carry you.  Are you ready to be moved?"
+
+I set my teeth and said "Yes," and they hoisted me up and carried me
+down the path after that other dreadful procession.  Oh, my foot!  I
+never knew what pain was like before that.  How do people go on bearing
+it day after day, week after week, year after year?  I couldn't!  I
+should go mad.  I would have shrieked then, but my pride wouldn't let me
+before Will and Rachel, when they kept praising me, and saying how brave
+I was.
+
+I was carried straight to a room and put to bed.  Rachel bathed and
+bandaged my ankle, and then hurried away, and no one came near me for an
+age.  I knew why.  They were all with Vere; my ankle was a trifle
+compared with her injuries.  When at last the doctor did appear, he
+could tell me very little about her.  The great thing was to keep her
+quiet until the next day, when he would be able to make an examination.
+I summoned courage to ask if she were in danger, and he answered me
+rather strangely--
+
+"In danger--of death, do you mean?  Certainly not, so far as I can
+tell."
+
+What other danger could there be?  I lay and pondered over it all
+through that hot, aching night; but I have learnt since then that there
+are many things which may seem, oh, far, far harder than death to a
+young, beautiful girl.  I have never had a great dread of death, I am
+thankful to say.  Why should one fear it?  If you really and truly are a
+Christian, and believe what you pretend, it's unreasonable to dread
+going to a life which is a thousand times better and happier; and as for
+dying itself, I've talked to hospital nurses when I was ill at school,
+and they say that most people know nothing about it, but are only very,
+very tired, and fall asleep.  Of course, there are exceptions.  It would
+have been dreadful to have been burnt alive!
+
+I did sleep towards morning, and it was so odd waking up in that strange
+room, which I had hardly noticed in the pain and confusion of the night
+before.  I smiled a little even then as I looked round.  It was so
+Racheley!  Lots of nice things badly arranged, so different from my dear
+little room!  Oh, my dear little room; should I ever, ever see it again?
+Someone was sitting behind the curtains, and as I moved he bent forward
+and took hold of my hand.  It was father, looking so white and old that
+the tears came to my eyes to see him; but he was alive and safe, that
+was the great thing, and able to tell me that all the servants had been
+saved, and to give a good report of mother.
+
+"Very weak and shaken, but nothing more than that, thank God!  Good old
+Mrs Rogers is very happy helping Terese to nurse her.  She sent you her
+love."
+
+"And, oh, father, the house, the dear old home?  Is it quite ruined, or
+did you manage to put out the fire before it went too far?  What
+happened after we left?"
+
+His face set, but he said calmly--
+
+"The lower rooms are more or less destroyed, but the second storey is
+little injured, except by smoke and, of course, water.  The engines
+worked well, and we had more help than we could use.  The people turned
+out nobly.  The home itself can be saved, Babs; it will take months to
+repair, but it can be done, and we shall be thankful to keep the old
+roof above our heads."
+
+"But it will never look the same.  The ivy that has been growing for
+hundreds of years will be dead, and all the beautiful creepers!  I can't
+imagine `The Moat' with bare walls.  And inside--oh, poor father, all
+your treasures gone!  The silver and the china, and the cases of curios,
+and the old family portraits!  You were so proud of them.  Doesn't it
+break your heart to lose them all?"
+
+"No," he said quietly, "I cannot think of such things to-day.  I am too
+filled with thankfulness that out of all that big household not a life
+has been lost, and that my three darlings are with me still.  Those
+things you speak of are precious in their way, but I have no room for
+regret for them in my heart when a still greater treasure is in danger,
+Vere--"
+
+"Oh, father, tell me about Vere!  Tell me the truth.  I am not a child,
+and I ought to know.  How has she hurt herself?"
+
+"Truthfully, dear, no one knows.  She cannot move, and there is
+evidently some serious injury, but what it is cannot be decided until
+after an examination.  They fear some spinal trouble."
+
+Spinal!  I had a horrid vision of plaster jackets and invalid couches,
+and those long flat, dreadful-looking chairs which you meet being
+wheeled about at Bournemouth.  It seemed impossible to connect such
+things with Vere!
+
+"It can't be so bad!  It can't be really serious," I cried vehemently.
+"It was all over in such a second, and we were there at once; everything
+was done for her!  Vere is easily upset, and she feels stiff and
+strained.  I do myself, but she will be better soon, father--they must
+make her better!  She could not bear to be ill."
+
+He sighed so heavily, poor father, and leant his head against the wall
+as if he were worn out, body and mind.
+
+"Poor Vere, poor darling!  I often wondered how her discipline would
+come.  Pray God it may not be this way; but if it does come thus we must
+help her through it as bravely as may be.  It will be hard for us as
+well as for her; terribly hard for your mother especially.  We shall
+look to you, Babs, to cheer us up; you are young and lighthearted, and
+if our fears come true you will have a great work before you."
+
+But I didn't feel that I could promise at all.  After he had gone I lay
+thinking it all over and feeling perfectly wretched at the idea of being
+cheerful under such circumstances.  I can be as lively as a grig, (what
+is a grig, by the way?) when things go smoothly, and other people are
+cheerful, too, but to keep lively when they are in the depths of woe,
+and you have to keep things going all by yourself and there is no
+excitement or variety, is a very different thing.  I am quelled at once
+by sighs, and tears, and solemn faces.  It's my nature, I can't help it.
+I'm so sensitive.  Miss Bruce once said that that word "sensitive" was
+often used when "selfish" would be much more applicable.  I thought it
+horrid of her at the time, but I expect, like most hard things, it is
+true.  Now if you didn't think of yourself at all but only and wholly of
+others, it would be your one aim through life to make them happy, and no
+effort would be too difficult if it succeeded in doing that.  Then
+people would talk about you and say you were "the sunshine of the home,"
+and your parents would bless you with their latest breath, and people
+who had misjudged you would flock round and sit at your knee, and profit
+by your example.  I should like to be like that.  It would be so lovely
+and so soothing to the feelings.
+
+The doctor came at noon and allowed me to be lifted on to the sofa and
+wheeled into the next room.  It made a change, but it was a very long
+day, all the same, and I thought the afternoon would never come to an
+end.  Rachel came in and out the room, but could never settle down, for
+as soon as she sat down, rat-tat came to the door, someone said, "Miss
+Rachel, please," and off she flew to do something else.
+
+Mrs Greaves brought some sewing and sat beside me, but she can't talk,
+poor dear; she can only make remarks at intervals and sigh between them,
+and it isn't cheerful.  At tea-time Mr Greaves appeared, and--well, he
+_is_ a curious creature!  I have always been taught that it is mean to
+accept hospitality, "eat salt," as the proverb has it, and then speak
+unkindly of your host, and, of course, I wouldn't to anyone else, but to
+you, O diary, I must confess that I'm truly and devoutly thankful he is
+not my father.
+
+He has a great big face, and a great big voice, and very little manners,
+and I believe he enjoys, really thoroughly enjoys, bullying other
+people, and seeing them miserable.  He was quite nice to me in the way
+of sympathising with my foot, and saying that he was pleased to see me;
+but I felt inclined to shake him when he went on to speak of "The Moat,"
+and of all we had done that we should not have done, and left undone
+that we should have done, and of what _he_ would have done in our place;
+making out, if you please, that the fire was all our fault, and that we
+deserved it if we _were_ burnt out of house and home!
+
+Rachel poured tea on the troubled waters, and he snubbed her for her
+pains and called his wife "madam," and wished to know if she had nothing
+fit to eat to offer to her guest.  There were about ten different things
+on the table already; it was only rage which kept me from eating, but he
+chose to pretend that everything was bad, and we had a lively time of
+it, while he ate some of the cakes on every plate in turns and took a
+second helping and finished it to the last crumb, and then declared that
+it wasn't fit for human consumption.  All the while poor Mrs Greaves
+sat like a mute at a funeral, hanging her head and never saying so much
+as "Bo!" in self-defence; and Rachel smiled as if she were listening to
+a string of compliments, and said--
+
+"Try the toast, then, father dear.  It is nice and crisp, just as you
+like it.  If you don't like those cakes, we won't have them again.
+Ready for some more tea, dear?  It is stronger now that it has stood a
+little while."
+
+"It might easily be that.  Hot water bewitched--that's what I call your
+tea, young lady.  Waste of good cream and sugar--"
+
+So it went on--grumble, grumble, grumble, grum-- And that Rachel
+actually put her arm round his neck and kissed his cross red face.
+
+"It is not the tea that is bad, dear, it is your poor old foot.  Cheer
+up!  It will be better to-morrow.  This new medicine is said to work
+wonders."
+
+Then he exploded for another half hour about doctors and medicines,
+abusing them both as hard as he could, and at the end pointed to my
+face, which, to judge from my feelings, must have been chalky green, and
+wanted to know if they called themselves nurses, and if they wished to
+kill me outright, for if they did they had better say so at once, and
+let him know what was in store.  He had borne enough in the last twenty-
+five years, goodness knew!
+
+I was carried back to bed and cried surreptitiously beneath the clothes
+while Rachel tidied up.
+
+"Dear father," she said fondly; "he is a martyr to gout.  It is so sad
+for him to have an illness which depresses his spirits and spoils his
+enjoyment.  There are so few pleasures left to him in life now, but he
+bears it wonderfully well."
+
+I peeped at her over the sheet, but her face was quite grave and
+serious.  She meant it, every word!
+
+
+
+CHAPTER ELEVEN.
+
+                                                          _August 17th_.
+I was wheeled into the library every day, and lay in state upon the
+sofa, receiving callers.  Mother drove over each afternoon for a short
+visit.  Will came in often, and brought Mr Carstairs with him.  The
+other members of Vere's house-party had returned home, but this poor,
+good fellow could not tear himself away from the neighbourhood until the
+doctor had come to some more definite conclusion about Vere.
+
+A specialist had been down from town, and he pronounced the spine
+injured by the fall, but hoped that, with complete rest, recovery was
+possible in the future.  How long would she have to rest?  It was
+impossible to say.  If he said a year, it would probably be exciting
+false hopes; it might be two years, or even three.  And at the end of
+that time, even of the longest time, was there any certainty?  It was
+impossible to be certain in such cases, but the probabilities made for
+improvement.  Miss Sackville had youth on her side, and a good
+constitution.  It was a mistake to look on the dark side.  "Hope, my
+dear sir, hope is a more powerful medicine than people realise!  Fifty
+guineas, please--thank you!  Train leaves at two o'clock, I think you
+said?"
+
+I was thankful I had not to tell Vere the verdict.  Father broke it to
+her, and said she "took it calmly," but he looked miserable, and every
+time he went to see her he looked still more wretched and _baffled_.
+There is no other word to express it.  He seems impatient for me to see
+her, and when at last I could hobble to the door of her room, went with
+me and whispered urgently, "Try what you can make of her!  Don't avoid
+the subject.  It is better sometimes to speak out," and I went in,
+feeling almost as anxious as he was himself.
+
+Vere was lying in bed, with her hair twisted loosely on the top of her
+head, and wearing one of her pretty blue jackets, all ribbons and
+frilly-willies.  In a way she looked just the same; in a way so
+different that I might never have seen her before.  The features were
+the same, but the expression was new; it was not that she looked
+troubled, or miserable, or cross, or anything like that; you could not
+tell what she felt; it was just as if a mask covered everything that you
+wanted to see, and left only the mere bare outline.
+
+She spoke first.
+
+"Well, Una!  So your foot is better, and you can get about?  I was so
+sorry to hear it was bad.  I suppose you are not able to get out yet?"
+
+"Oh, no!  This is my longest walk.  I am afraid of attempting the
+stairs.  The Greaves are very kind.  I believe they like having us
+here."
+
+"Having you, you mean.  I am sure you must make a delightful break in
+the monotony.  As for me,"--she thrust out her hands with an expressive
+little grimace--"I have been rather a nuisance to everybody while these
+stupid doctors have been debating over the case.  It's a comfort that
+they have made up their minds at last, and that I can be moved as soon
+as there is a place ready for me.  Father is ordering a spinal carriage
+from London with the latest conveniences, like the suburban villas.  I
+believe you lie on a mattress or something of the sort, which can be
+lifted and put down in the carriage.  Such a saving of trouble!  It is
+wonderful how cleverly they manage things nowadays."
+
+Just the old, light, airy voice; just the same society drawl.  She might
+have been talking of a new ball dress for any sign of emotion to be
+seen, and yet I know well that Vere--the old Vere--could have faced no
+fate more bitter than this!  I stared at her, and she stared back with a
+fixed, unchanging smile.  I knew by that smile that it was not
+resignation she felt; not anything like that lovely willing way in which
+really good people accept trouble--crippled old women in cottages, who
+will tell you how good God has been to them, when they are as poor as
+mice, and have never been out of one room for years; and other people
+who lose everybody they love best, and spend their lives trying to make
+other people happy, instead of glumping alone.  I have really and truly
+known people like that, but their faces looked sweet and radiant.
+Vere's was very different.  I knew now what father had been worrying
+about the last few days, and what he meant by advising me to speak
+openly, but it was not easy to do so.  I was afraid of her with that new
+look!
+
+"We are both cripples for the time being, but if I get strong before you
+do, I'll do everything I can to help you, dear, and make the time pass
+quickly," I was beginning feebly, when she caught me up at once, as if
+she did not want to hear any more.
+
+"Oh, thanks; but I love lazing.  I am quite an adept in the art of doing
+nothing, and you will have quite enough on your hands.  It's a capital
+thing for you, my being out of the running.  You would never have taken
+your proper place unless you were really forced into it.  Now you will
+have to be Miss Sackville, and you must keep up my reputation and do
+credit to your training."
+
+"I shall never take your place, Vere," I said sadly, and then
+something--I don't know what--reminded me suddenly of Mr Carstairs, and
+I asked if she knew he was staying with Will.
+
+"Oh, yes.  He writes to me frequently--sheets upon sheets.  He has made
+up his mind to stay until he can see me again, and realise that I am
+still in the flesh, so he will have the pleasure of seeing me in my new
+chair.  I must send him an invitation to join me on my first expedition.
+He really deserves some reward for his devotion."
+
+I had a vision of them as they would look.  Vere stretched at full
+length, flat on her back, on that horrid-looking chair, and Mr
+Carstairs towering above her, with his face a-quiver with grief and
+pity, as I had seen it several times during the last week.  If it had
+been me, I should have hated appearing before a lover in such a guise,
+and I am only an ordinary-looking girl, whereas Vere is a beauty, and
+has been accustomed to think of her own appearance before anything in
+the world.  I could not understand her.
+
+"I like Jim Carstairs," I said sturdily.  "I hope some day I may have
+someone to care for me as he does for you, Vere.  It must be a lovely
+feeling.  He has been in such distress about you, and on that night--
+that awful night--I shall never forget his face--"
+
+"Ah, you have an inconvenient memory, Babs!  It was always your failing.
+For my part I mean to forget all about it as soon as possible.  You
+were very good and brave, by the way, and, I am afraid, hurt your foot
+in trying to save me.  I would rather not return to the subject, so I
+will just thank you once and for all, and express my gratitude.  You
+practically saved my life.  Think of it!  If it had not been for you I
+should not have had a chance of lying here now, or riding about in my
+fine new chair!"
+
+"Vere, _don't_! don't sneer!"  I cried hotly, for the mask had slipped
+for a moment, and I had caught a glimpse of the bitter rebellion hidden
+beneath the smile.  "It is awful for you--we are all wretched about it;
+but there is hope still, and the doctor says you will get better if only
+you will give yourself a chance.  Why do you pretend? why smile and make
+fun when all the time--oh, I know it, I know it quite well--your heart
+is breaking!"
+
+Her lip trembled.  I thought she was going to break down, but in a
+moment she was composed again, saying in the same light, jeering tones--
+
+"Would you prefer me to weep and wail?  You have known me all your life;
+can you imagine me--Vere Sackville--lying about with red eyes and a
+swollen face, posing as an object of pity?  Can you imagine me allowing
+myself to be pitied?"
+
+"Not pitied, perhaps--no one likes that; but if people love you, and
+sympathise--"
+
+"Bah!"  She flicked her eyelids impatiently.  I realised at that moment
+that she could not move her head, and it gave me a keener realisation of
+her state than I had had before.  "Bah!  It is all the same.  I want
+nothing from my friends now that they did not give me a month ago.  If I
+have to be on my back instead of walking about, it is no affair of
+theirs.  I neither ask nor desire their commiseration.  The kindest
+thing they can do is to leave me alone."
+
+I thought of the old days when she was well and strong, and could run
+about as she liked, and how bored she was after a few days of quiet home
+life.  How could she bear the long weeks and months stretched out
+motionless on a couch, with none of her merry friends to cheer her and
+distract her thoughts.  The old Vere could not have borne it, but this
+was a new Vere whom I had never seen before.  I felt in the dark
+concerning her and her actions.
+
+We talked it over at tea that afternoon, Rachel and Will and I.  He came
+to call, so Mr Greaves sent up a polite message that he preferred to
+remain in his own room, and, of course, his poor wife had to stay, too,
+so for once we young people were alone.  I was a little embarrassed at
+being number three with a pair of lovers, as any nice-minded person
+would be.  I did all I could for them--I pretended to be tired, and said
+I thought I'd better be wheeled back to my room, and I made faces at
+Rachel behind Will's back to show what I meant, but she only smiled, and
+he said--
+
+"I can see you, Babs, and it's not becoming!  We have no secrets to talk
+about, and would much rather have you with us, wouldn't we, Rachel?"
+
+"Of course you are to stay, Una dear; don't say another word about it,"
+Rachel answered kindly, but that wasn't exactly answering his question.
+She was too honest to say that she would rather have me there, and I
+don't think she quite liked his saying so, either, for she was even
+quieter than usual for the next five minutes.  Then Will began to talk
+about Vere, and of Mr Carstairs' anxiety, and father's distress about
+her state of mind.  He seemed to think that she did not realise what was
+before her, but Rachel and I knew better than that, and assured him that
+he need fear no rude awakening.
+
+"Vere is not one of the people who deceive themselves for good or bad.
+She is very shrewd and far-seeing, and, though she may not say anything
+about it, I know she has thought of every single little difficulty and
+trouble that will have to be faced.  When it comes to the point, you
+will see that she has her own ideas and suggestions, which will be
+better than any others.  She will order us about, and tell us what
+clothes to choose, how to lift her, and where to take her.  And she will
+do it just as she is doing things now, as calmly and coolly as if she
+had been accustomed to it all her life."
+
+"Extraordinary!" cried Will.  He put down his cup and paced up and down
+the floor, frowning till his eyebrows met.  "Marvellous composure!  I
+should not have believed it possible.  A lovely girl like that to have
+her life wrecked in a moment; to look forward to being a hopeless
+invalid for years--perhaps for ever.  It is enough to unhinge the
+strongest brain, and she bears it without a murmur, you say; realises it
+all and still keeps calm?  You women are wonderful creatures.  You teach
+us many lessons in submission."
+
+Rachel and I looked at each other and were silent, but I knew that she
+knew, and I had a longing to hear what Will would say.  Somehow, ever
+since knowing him I have always felt more satisfied when I knew his
+opinion on any subject.  So I told him all about it.  I said--
+
+"I'll tell you something, but you mustn't speak of it to Mr Carstairs,
+or father, or anybody; just think over it yourself, and try if you can
+help her.  Rachel knows--she found out for herself, as I did.  Vere is
+not brave nor submissive, nor anything that you think; it is only a
+pretence, for in reality she is broken-hearted.  She won't allow herself
+to give in like other people, so she has determined to brave it out, and
+pretend that she doesn't care.  She has always been admired and envied,
+and would hate it if people pitied her now, and I think there is another
+reason.  She is angry!  Angry that this should have happened to her, and
+that it should have happened just now when she was enjoying herself so
+much, and was so young and pretty.  She feels that she has been ill-
+used, and it makes her cold and bitter.  I've felt the same myself when
+things went wrong.  It isn't right, of course: one ought to be sweet and
+submissive, but--can't you understand?"
+
+"Yes," said Will, quickly.  He stopped in his pacings to and fro, and
+stood thinking it over with his head leant forward on his chest.  His
+face looked so kind, and troubled, and sorry.  "Oh, yes," he said, "I
+understand only too well.  Poor girl, poor child!  It's awfully sad, for
+it is going to make it all so much more difficult for her.  She doesn't
+see it, of course, but what she is trying to do is to accept the burden
+and refuse the consolation which comes with it."
+
+"I must say I fail to see much consolation in an injured spine," I said
+hastily, and he looked across the room, opening his eyes with that
+quick, twinkling light which I loved to see.
+
+"Ask Rachel," he said, "ask Rachel!  If she broke her back to-morrow she
+would have at least twenty good reasons for congratulation with which to
+edify me for the first time we met.  Wouldn't you, dear?  I am quite
+sure you would accept it as a blessing in disguise."
+
+"If I broke my back I should die, Will.  It is always fatal, I believe!"
+quoth Rachel the literal, blushing with pleasure at his praise, but
+talking as primly and properly as if she were addressing a class in a
+school.  She is a queer girl to be engaged to!
+
+I saw Will's eyebrows give just one little twitch on their own account,
+as if he thought so himself, but the next moment he sat down beside her
+and said gently--
+
+"But if you were in Miss Sackville's place, how would you feel?  How
+would you face the truth?"
+
+She leant back in her chair and stared before her with big, rapt eyes,
+her fingers clasping and unclasping themselves on her knee.
+
+"There is only one way--to look to God for help and courage.  Pride and
+anger can never carry her through the long days and nights that will be
+so hard to bear.  They must fail her in the end, and leave her more
+helpless than before.  The consolations are there, if she will open her
+eyes to see them, and afterwards--afterwards she will have learnt her
+lesson!"
+
+We sat quiet for quite a long time, and then came the inevitable
+summons, and Rachel went away and left us alone.
+
+"I told you she was the best woman in the world!"  Will said, smiling at
+me proudly.  I didn't feel inclined to smile at all, but the tears came
+suddenly to my eyes, and I began to sob like a baby.
+
+"Oh, yes, yes, but I am not, and Vere is my sister, and she was so
+pretty and gay.  I can't be resigned for her!  I can't bear to see her
+lying flat on her back; I can't bear to think of that awful chair.  How
+can I talk to her of submission when I'm rebellious myself?  I'm all
+hot, and sore, and miserable, and I want to know why, why, why?  Why was
+our dear old home burnt when other houses are safe and sound?  Why
+should we be crippled and made sad and gloomy just when we thought it
+was going to be so nice?  All my school life I have looked forward to
+coming home, and now it's all spoiled!  I'm not made like Rachel.  I
+can't sit down and be quiet.  It doesn't come natural to me to be
+resigned; I want to argue and understand the meaning of things.  I have
+to fight it through every inch of the way."
+
+"I, too, Babs," he said sadly.  "I'm afraid I have kicked very hard
+against the pricks several times in my life.  Every now and then--very
+rarely--one meets a sweet soul like Rachel who knows nothing of these
+struggles; they are born saints, and appear to rise superior to
+temptations, but most of us are continually fighting.  There's this
+consolation, that the hour of victory can never be so sweet as when it
+comes after a struggle."
+
+"And Vere--will she win too?  I can think of no one but her just now.
+We used often to quarrel, and I've been jealous of her hundreds of
+times.  I never knew I loved her so much till we were in danger, but now
+I'd give my life to save her, and help her through this terrible time!"
+
+"And you will do it, too.  Vere will win her battle, but not with her
+own weapons, as Rachel says.  Pride and anger won't carry her very far
+down the road she has to travel, poor child.  It will be a gentler
+weapon."
+
+"You mean--?"
+
+Will turned his back to me, and stood staring out of the window.  He
+looked so big and strong himself, as if no weakness could touch him.
+
+"I mean--love," he said softly.
+
+I wondered what he meant.  I wondered why he turned his face from me as
+he spoke.  I wondered if the thought of Vere lying there all broken and
+lovely was too much for his composure, and if he was longing to save her
+himself.  But then there was Rachel.  He could never be false to poor
+trusting Rachel!
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWELVE.
+
+                                                          _August 20th_.
+It is lovely to be able to go out again into the sweet summer land, and
+drive about with father and mother, and have our nice, homely talks
+again.  The Greaves' are perfect angels of kindness, and what we should
+have done without their hospitality I'm sure I can't tell, but every
+family has its own little ways, and, of course, you like your own the
+best.  The Greaves' way is always to say exactly precisely whatever they
+mean and nothing beyond, and to think you rather mad if you do anything
+else.  Our way is to have little jokes and allusions, and a great deal
+of chatter about nothing in particular, and to think other people bores
+if they don't do the same.  We call our belongings by proper names.  My
+umbrella is "Jane," because she is a plain, domestic-looking creature,
+and mother's, with the tortoiseshell and gold, is "Mirabella," and our
+cat is "Miss Davis," after a singing-mistress who squalled, and the new
+laundry-maid is "Monkey-brand," because she can't wash clothes.  It's
+silly, perhaps, but it _does_ help your spirits!  When I go out on a wet
+day and say to my maid "Bring `Jane,' please," the sight of her face
+always sends me off in good spirits.  She tries so hard not to laugh.
+
+Father and I just make plain, straightforward jokes, like everyone else,
+but mother jokes daintily, as she does everything else.  It's lovely to
+listen to her when she is in a frisky mood!
+
+We are all depressed enough just now, goodness knows, but it cheers us
+up a little to be together, and, in comparison with the Greaves'
+conversation, ours sounds frisky.  Yesterday we drove up to see the dear
+home, at which dozens of men are already at work.  It was at once better
+and worse than I expected.  The ivy is still green in places, and they
+don't think it is all destroyed, so that the first view from the bottom
+of the drive was a relief.  Near at hand we saw the terrible damage
+done, and, when I went inside for a few minutes, the smell was still so
+strong that I had to hurry back into the air.  It will take months to
+put things right, and meantime father has taken a furnished house four
+miles off, where we go as soon as Vere can be moved, and stay until she
+is strong enough to travel to the sea, or to some warm, sunny place for
+the winter.  We shall probably be away for ages.  No balls, Una!  No
+dissipations, and partners, and admiration, and pretty new frocks, as
+you expected.  Furnished houses and hospital nurses, and a long, anxious
+illness to watch.  Those are your portion, my dear!
+
+I am a wretch to think of myself at all.  Rachel wouldn't; but I do, and
+it's no use pretending I don't.  I'm horribly, horribly disappointed!
+One part of me feels cross and injured; the other part of me longs to be
+good and unselfish, and to cheer and help the others.  I haven't had far
+to look for my sister.  While I was searching the neighbourhood for
+someone to befriend, the opportunity was preparing inside our very own
+walls!  Now then, Una Sackville, brace up!  Show what you are made of!
+You are fond enough of talking--now let us see what you can do!
+
+                                                          _August 28th_.
+The spinal chair arrived yesterday when I was at the Lodge.  Father
+cried when he saw it.  I hate to see a man cry, and got out of the way
+as soon as possible, and, when I came back, mother and he were sitting
+hand in hand in the little parlour, looking quite calm, and kind of
+sadly happy.  I think bearing things together has brought them nearer
+than they have been for years, so they certainly have found their
+compensation.
+
+The doctor says Vere is to live out of doors, so this morning she was
+carried out on her mattress, laid flat on the chair, and wheeled to a
+corner of the lawn.  As I had prophesied, she arranged all details
+herself.  She wore a soft, white serge dressing-gown sort of
+arrangement, which was loose and comfortable, and a long lace scarf put
+loosely over her head, and tied under the chin, instead of a hat.
+Everything was as simple as it could be.  Vere had too much good taste
+to choose unsuitable fineries, but, as she lay with the sunlight
+flickering down at her beneath the screen of leaves, she looked so
+touchingly frail and lovely that it broke your heart to see her.  Her
+hair lay in little gold rings on her forehead, the face inside the lace
+hood had shrunk to such a tiny oval.  One had not realised, seeing her
+in bed, how thin she had grown during these last few weeks!
+
+We all waited on her hand and foot, and walked in procession beside her,
+gulping hard, and blinking our eyes to keep back the tears whenever we
+had a quiet chance, and she laughed and admired the trees, and said
+really it was the quaintest sensation staring straight up at the sky;
+she felt just like "Johnny Head in Air" in the dear old picture-book!
+It was a delightful couch--most comfortable!  What a lazy summer she
+should have!  If there was one thing she loved more than another, it was
+having meals in the open air--all in the same high, artificial note
+which she had used ever since her accident.
+
+We all agreed and gushed, and said, "Yes, darling," "Isn't it, darling?"
+"So you shall, darling," and we had tea under a big beech-tree, and
+anyone might have thought we were quite jolly; but I could see father's
+lip quiver under his moustache, and mother looked old.  I hate to see
+mother look old!
+
+Just as we had finished tea a servant came up to tell father that Will
+and Mr Carstairs had called to see him.  They had too much good feeling
+to join us where we were, but Vere lifted her languid eyes and said
+"Stupid men!  What are they afraid of?  Tell them to come here at once."
+And no one dared to oppose her.
+
+I shall never forget that scene.  It was like treading on sacred ground
+to be there when Mr Carstairs went forward to take Vere's hand, yet, of
+course, it would not have done to leave them alone.  His face was set,
+poor fellow, and he couldn't speak.  I could see the pulse above his ear
+beating like a hammer, and was terrified lest he should break down
+altogether.  Vere would never have forgiven that!  She thanked him in
+her pretty society way for all his "favaws," the flowers, and the books,
+and the letters, all "so amusing, don't you know!"  (as if his poor
+letters could have been amusing!) and behaved really and truly as if
+they had just met in a ball-room, after an ordinary separation.
+
+"It's quite an age since I saw you; and now, I suppose, it is a case of
+`How do you do, and good-bye,'" she said lightly.  "You must be longing
+to get away from this dull place, to pay some of your postponed visits."
+
+"They will have to be postponed a little longer.  Dudley is good enough
+to say he can put me up another week or two, and I should like to see
+you settled at Bylands.  There--there might be something I could do for
+you," returned the poor man wistfully, but she would not acknowledge any
+need of help.
+
+"Dearie me!  Have you turned furniture remover?  Are you proposing to
+pack me with the rest of our belongings?" she cried, lifting her chin
+about a quarter of an inch in feeble imitation of her old scornful tilt.
+It was very pitiful to see her do it, and Mr Carstairs' lip twitched
+again, and he turned and began talking to mother, leaving the coast
+clear for Will Dudley.  He looked flushed, but his eyes were curiously
+bright and determined.
+
+"I am so thankful to see you out again, Miss Sackville," he said.
+"That's the first step forward in your convalescence, and I hope the
+others may follow quickly!"
+
+That was his cue!  He was not going to allow Vere to ignore her illness
+talking to him; he had determined to make her face it naturally and
+simply, but the flash in her eyes showed that it would not be too easy.
+She stared up into his face with a look of cold displeasure, and he
+stared straight back and said--
+
+"Are you as comfortable as possible?  I think that light is rather
+dazzling to your eyes.  Let me move you just a few inches."
+
+"I am perfectly happy, thank you.  Pray don't trouble.  I prefer to stay
+where I am."
+
+"I'll move you back again if you don't like it," he said coolly.
+"There!  Now that branch screens you nicely.  The sun has moved since
+you first came out, I expect.  Confess, now, that is more comfortable!"
+
+She would not confess, and she could not deny, so she simply dropped her
+eyelids and refused to answer; but a little thing like that would not
+daunt Will Dudley, and he went on talking as if she had thanked him as
+graciously as possible.  Presently, however, the hospital nurse gave us
+a private signal that Vere was getting tired and ought to rest, so we
+all strolled away and left them alone together beneath the tree.
+
+We had only three days more at the Grange, and during them Rachel
+devoted herself as much as possible to Vere, trotting between the house
+and the beech-trees on everlasting missions, and reading aloud for hours
+together from stupid novels, which I am sure bored her to extinction.
+Vere herself did not seem to listen very attentively, but I think the
+sweet, rather monotonous voice had a soothing effect on her nerves; she
+was relieved to be spared talking, and also intent on studying this
+strange specimen of human nature.
+
+"Oh, admirable but dullest of Rachels, she absolutely delights in doing
+what she dislikes!  It was as good as a play to watch her face yesterday
+while she read aloud the reflections of the worldly Lady Peggy!  They
+evidently gave her nerves a severe shock, but as for omitting a passage,
+as for even skipping an objectionable word, no! not if her life depended
+upon it.  `It is my duty, and I will.'  That is her motto in life.  How
+boring people are who do their duty!" drawled Vere languidly on the last
+afternoon, as poor Rachel left her to go back to the other invalid, who
+was no doubt growling like a bear in his den as he waited for her
+return.  Everyone seemed to take Rachel's help for granted, and to think
+it superfluous to thank her.  Even Will himself is far less attentive to
+her wants than my _fiance_ shall be when I have one.  I simply couldn't
+stand being treated like a favourite aunt, and really and truly he
+behaves far more as if she were that, than his future wife.  He is never
+in the least tiny bit excited or agitated about seeing her.
+
+I wouldn't admit this to Vere for a thousand pounds, but I felt cross
+all the same, and said snappishly--
+
+"It's a pity she wasted her time, since you were only jeering at her for
+her pains.  I don't know about enjoying what she hates, but she
+certainly loves trying to help other people, and I admire her for it.  I
+wish to goodness I were like her!"
+
+At this she smiled more provokingly than ever.
+
+"Yes.  I've noticed the imitation.  It's amusing.  All the more so that
+it is so poor a success.  Your temper is not of the quality to be kept
+persistently in the background, my dear."
+
+It isn't.  But I _had_ tried hard to keep patient and gentle the last
+few weeks, even when Vere aggravated me most.  I had been so achingly
+sorry for her that I would have cut off my right hand to help her, so it
+hurt when she gibed at me like that.
+
+"I'm sorry I was impatient!  I wanted so badly to help you, dear.  You
+must forgive me if I was cross."
+
+"Babs, _don't_!" she gasped, and her face was convulsed with emotion.
+For one breathless moment, as we clutched hands and drew close together,
+I thought the breakdown had come at last, but she fought down her sobs,
+crying in tones of piteous entreaty--
+
+"Don't let me cry!  Stop me!  Oh, Babs, don't let me do it.  If I once
+begin I can never stop!"
+
+"But wouldn't it be a relief to you, darling?  Everyone has been
+terrified lest you were putting too great a strain on yourself.  If you
+gave way once to me--it doesn't matter for me--it might do you good.
+Cry, darling, if you want, and I'll cry with you!"
+
+But she protested more vigorously than ever.  "No, no, I daren't!  I
+can't face it!  Be cross with me--be neglectful--leave me to myself, but
+for pity's sake don't be so patient, Babs!  It makes me silly, and I
+must keep up, whatever happens.  Say something now to make me stop--
+quickly!"
+
+"I expect the men will be here any moment.  You'll look hideous with red
+eyes," I said gruffly.  It was the only thing I could think of, and
+perhaps it did as well as anything else, for she calmed down by degrees,
+and there was no more sign of a breakdown that night.
+
+After that day we seemed to understand each other better, and when I saw
+danger signals I was snappy on purpose, and felt like a martyr when Will
+and Mr Carstairs glared at me, and thought what a wretch I was.  We
+wanted Vere to be resigned and natural about her illness, but we dreaded
+and feared a hysterical breakdown, which must leave her weaker than
+ever, and she had said herself that if she once began to cry she could
+never leave off.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THIRTEEN.
+
+                                                        _September 5th_.
+Four days later we left the Grange and came to our new home, a furnished
+house four miles away.  It is a big, square, prosaic-looking building,
+but comfortable, with a nice big garden, so we are fortunate to have
+found such a place in the neighbourhood.  We told each other gushingly
+how fortunate we had been, every time that we discovered anything that
+we hated more than usual, and were obtrusively gay all that first horrid
+evening.
+
+Vere's two rooms had been made home-like and pretty with treasures saved
+from the Moat, and new curtains and cushions and odds and ends like
+that; but we left the other rooms as they were, and pretended that we
+liked sitting on crimson satin chairs with gold legs.  Father is lost
+without his nice gunny, sporty sanctum.  Mother looks pathetically out
+of place in the bald, ugly rooms, and I feel a pelican in the wilderness
+without my belongings but when you have come through great big troubles
+you are ashamed to fuss over little things like these.
+
+Also, to tell the truth, we are thankful to be together in a place of
+our own again.  Mrs Greaves and Rachel had been sweet to us, but they
+had one invalid on their hands already, and we could not help feeling
+that we gave a great deal of trouble.  They said they were sorry to lose
+us, and that we had been an interest in their quiet lives, and I do
+think that was true.  Vere, with her beauty and her tragedy, her lovely
+clothes and dainty ways, was as good as a three-volume novel to people
+who wear blue serge the whole year round, do their hair neatly in knobs
+like walnuts, and never indulge in anything more exciting than a garden
+party.  Then there was the romantic figure of poor Jim Carstairs
+hovering in the background, ready at any moment to do desperate deeds,
+if thereby he could win a smile of approval, so different from that
+other complacent lover, who was "content to wait" and never knew the
+semblance of a qualm!  I used to watch Rachel watch Jim, and thought
+somehow that she felt the difference, and was not so serene as she had
+been when I first knew her.  Her face looked sad sometimes, but not for
+long, for she had so little time to think of herself.  I agree with Will
+that she is the best woman in the world, and the sweetest and most
+unselfish.
+
+The house where Will lives is nearer "The Clift" than the old home, and
+the two men come over often to see us.  They had reconnoitred the
+grounds before we arrived, and knew just the nicest portions for Vere's
+chair for each part of the day, and Jim had noticed how she started at
+the sudden appearance of a newcomer, and had hit on a clever way of
+giving her warning of an approach.  Lying quite flat as she does, with
+her face turned stiffly upwards, it had been impossible to see anyone
+till he was close at hand, but now he has suspended a slip of mirror
+from the branches of the favourite trees in such a position that they
+reflect the whole stretch of lawn.  It is quite pretty to look up and
+see the figures moving about; the maids bringing out tea, or father
+playing with the dogs.  Vere can even watch a game of tennis or croquet
+without turning her head.  We were all delighted, and gushed with
+admiration at his ingenuity, and Vere said, "Thank you, Jim," and smiled
+at him, and that was worth all the praise in the world.
+
+He told us that he was going home at the end of the week, and one day I
+listened to a conversation which I never should have heard, but it
+wasn't my fault.  Vere and I were alone, and when we saw Jim coming she
+got into a state of excitement, and made me vow and declare that I would
+not leave her.  I couldn't possibly refuse, for she isn't allowed to be
+excited, but I twisted my chair as far away as I dared, humped up my
+shoulders and buried myself in my book.  Jim knew I would do my best for
+him, but it's disgusting how difficult it is to fix your attention on
+one thing, and close your ears to something still more interesting.  I
+honestly did try, and the jargon that the book and the conversation made
+together was something too ridiculous.  It was like this--
+
+"Maud was sitting gazing out of the window at the unending stream of
+traffic."  "This is our last talk!  I told Dudley not to come, for
+there's so much to say."  "It was her first visit to London, and to the
+innocent country mind--" "Don't put me off, dear!  I must speak to-day,
+or wait here till I do."  "Innocent country mind--innocent country
+mind."  "No matter if it does pain me.  I will take the risk.  I just
+wish you to know."  "Innocent country mind it seemed as if--" But it was
+no use; my eyes travelled steadily down the page, but to this moment I
+can't tell you what Maud's innocent country mind made of it.  I could
+hear nothing but Jim's deep, earnest voice.
+
+"I don't ask anything from you.  You never encouraged me when you were
+well, and I won't take advantage of your weakness.  I just want you to
+realise that I am yours, as absolutely and truly as though we were
+formally engaged.  You are free as air to do in every respect as you
+will, but you cannot alter my position.  I cannot alter it myself.  The
+thing has grown beyond my control.  You are my life; for weal or woe I
+must be faithful to you.  I make only one claim--that when you need a
+friend you will send for me.  When there is any service, however small,
+which I can render, you will let me do it.  It isn't much to ask, is it,
+sweetheart?"
+
+There was a moment's pause--I tried desperately and unsuccessfully to
+get interested in Maud, and then Vere's voice said gently--more gently
+than I had ever heard her speak--
+
+"Dear old Jim, you are so good always!  It's a very unfair arrangement,
+and it would be horribly selfish to agree.  I'd like well enough to have
+you coming down; it would be a distraction, and help to pass the time.
+I expect we shall be terribly quiet here, and I have always been
+accustomed to having some man to fly round and wait upon me.  There is
+no one I would like better than you--wait a moment--no one I would like
+better while I am ill!  I can trust you, and you are so thoughtful and
+kind.  But if I get well again?  What then?  It is best to be honest,
+isn't it, Jim?  You used to bore me sometimes when I was well, and you
+might bore me again.  It isn't fair!"
+
+"It is perfectly fair, for I am asking no promises.  If I can be of the
+least use or comfort to you now, that is all I ask.  I know I am a dull,
+heavy fellow.  It isn't likely you could be bothered with me when you
+were well."
+
+Silence.  I would not look, but I could imagine how they looked.  Jim
+bending over her with his strong brown features a-quiver with emotion.
+Vere with the lace scarf tied under her chin, her lovely white little
+face gazing up at him in unwonted gentleness.
+
+"I wonder," she said slowly, "I wonder what there is in me to attract
+you, Jim!  You are not like other men.  You would not care for
+appearances only, yet, apart from my face and figure--my poor figure of
+which I was so proud--there is nothing left which could really please
+you.  I have been a vain, empty-headed girl all my life.  I cared for
+myself more than anything on earth.  I do now!  You think I am brave and
+uncomplaining, but it is all a sham.  I am too proud to whine, but in
+reality I am seething with bitterness and rebellion.  I am longing to
+get well, not to lead a self-sacrificing life like Rachel Greaves, but
+to feel fit again, and wear pretty clothes, and dance, and flirt, and be
+admired--that's what I want most, Jim; that's _all_ I want!"
+
+He put out his hands and took hers.  I don't know how I knew it, but I
+did, though Maud was still staring out of the window, and I was still
+staring at Maud.
+
+"Poor darling!" he said huskily.  "Poor darling!"
+
+He didn't preach a bit, though it was a splendid opening if he had
+wanted one, but I think the sorrow and regret in his voice was better
+than words.  Vere knew what he meant, and why he was sorry.  I heard a
+little gasping sound, and then a rapid, broken whispering.
+
+"I know--I know!  I ought to feel differently!  Sometimes in the night--
+oh, the long, long nights, Jim!--the pain is so bad, and it seems as if
+light would never come, and I lie awake staring into the darkness, and a
+fear comes over me...  I feel all alone in a new world that is strange
+and terrible, where the things I cared for most don't matter at all, and
+the things I neglected take up all the room.  And I'm frightened, Jim!
+I'm frightened!  I've lost my footing, and it's all blackness and
+confusion.  Is it because I am so wicked that I am afraid to be alone
+with my thoughts?  I was so well and strong before this.  I slept so
+soundly that I never seemed to have time to think."
+
+"Perhaps that's the reason of it, sweetheart.  You needed the time, and
+it has been given to you this way, and when you have found yourself the
+need will be over, and you will be well again."
+
+"Found myself!" she repeated musingly.  "Is there a real self that I
+know nothing of hidden away somewhere?  That must be the self you care
+for, Jim.  Tell me!  I want to know--what is there in me which made you
+care so much?  You acknowledge that I am vain?"
+
+"Y-es!"
+
+"And selfish?"
+
+He wouldn't say "Yes," and couldn't deny it, so just sat silently and
+refused to answer.
+
+"And a flirt?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"And very cruel to you sometimes, Jim?" said Vere in that new, sweet,
+gentle voice.
+
+"You didn't mean it, darling.  It was only thoughtlessness."
+
+"No, no!  I did mean it!  It was dreadful of me, but I liked to
+experiment and feel my power.  You had better know the truth once for
+all; it will help you to forget all about such a wretched girl."
+
+"Nothing can make me forget.  You could tell me what you like about
+yourself, it would make no difference; I am past all that.  You are the
+one woman in the world for me.  At first it was your beauty which
+attracted me, but that stage was over long ago.  It makes no difference
+to me now how you look.  Nothing makes any difference.  If you were
+never to leave that couch--"
+
+But she called out at that, interrupting him sharply--
+
+"Don't say it!  Don't suggest for a moment that it is possible!  Oh,
+Jim, you don't believe it!  You don't really think I could be like this
+all my life?  I will be very good, and do all they say, and keep quiet
+and not excite myself.  I will do anything--anything--but I must get
+better in the end!  I could not bear a life like this!"
+
+"The doctors all tell us you will recover in time, darling, but it's a
+terribly hard waiting.  I wish I could bear the pain for you; but you
+will let me do what I can, won't you, Vere?  I am a dull stick.  No one
+knows it better than I do myself, but make use of me just now; let me
+fetch and carry for you; let me run down every few weeks to see you, and
+give you the news.  It will bind you to nothing in the future.  Whatever
+happens, I should be grateful to you all my life for giving me so much
+happiness."
+
+"Dear old Jim!  You are too good for me.  How could I possibly say `No'
+to such a request?" sighed Vere softly.  I think she was very nearly
+crying just then, but I made another desperate effort to interest myself
+in Maud, and soon afterwards he went away.
+
+Vere looked at me curiously when I returned to the seat by her side, and
+I told her the truth.
+
+"I tried to read, I did, honestly, but I heard a good deal!  It was your
+own fault.  You wouldn't let me go away."
+
+"Then you know something you may not have known before--how a good man
+can love!  I have treated Jim Carstairs like a dog, and this is how he
+behaves in return.  I don't deserve such devotion."
+
+"Nobody does.  But I envy you, Vere.  I envy you even now, with all your
+pain.  It must be the best thing in the world to be loved like that."
+
+"Sentimental child!" she said, smiling; but it was a real smile, not a
+sneer; and when mother came up a few minutes later, Vere looked at her
+anxiously, noticing for the very first time how ill and worn she looked.
+
+"You looked fagged, mother dear.  Do sit still and rest," she said, in
+her old, caressing manner.  Mother flushed, and looked ten years younger
+on the spot.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FOURTEEN.
+
+                                                       _September 20th_.
+I expected Vere to be quite different after this--to give up being cold
+and defiant, and be her own old self.  I thought it was a kind of
+crisis, and that she would go on getting better and better--morally, I
+mean.  But she doesn't!  At least, if she does, it is only by fits and
+starts.  Sometimes she is quite angelic for a whole day, and the next
+morning is so crotchety and aggravating that it nearly drives one wild.
+I suppose no one gets patient and long-suffering all at once; it is like
+convalescence after an illness--up and down, up and down, all the time;
+but it's disappointing to the nurses.  She does try, poor dear, but it
+must be difficult to go on trying when one day is exactly like the last,
+and you do nothing but lie still, and your back aches, aches, aches.
+Jim is not always present to lavish his devotion upon her, and now that
+the first agitation is over we onlookers are getting used to seeing her
+ill, and are less frantically attentive than at first, which, of course,
+must be trying, too; but one cannot always live at high pressure.  I
+believe one would get callous about earthquakes if they only happened
+often enough.
+
+Summer is passing away and autumn coming on, and it grows damp and
+mouldy, and we have to sit indoors for most of the day.  When I have any
+time to think of myself I feel so tired; and one day Vere said
+abruptly--
+
+"Babs, you are thin!  Upon my word, child, I can see your cheek-bones.
+What have you been doing to yourself?"
+
+Thin!  Blessed word!  I leapt from my seat and rushed to the nearest
+glass, and it was true!  I stared, and stared, and wondered where my
+eyes had been these last weeks.  My cheeks had sunk till they were oval
+instead of round.  I looked altogether about half the old size.  What
+would the girls say if they could behold their old "Circle" now?  It
+used to be my ambition to be described as a "tall, slim girl," and now I
+turned, and twisted, and attitudinised before that glass, and, honestly,
+that was just exactly what I looked!  I took hold of my dress, and it
+bagged!  I put my fingers inside my belt, and the whole hand slipped
+through!  My face of rapture made Vere laugh with almost the old trill.
+
+"You goose!  You look as if you had come into a fortune!  I don't deny
+that it is an improvement, but you mustn't overdo it.  It would be too
+hard luck for mother if we were both ill at the same time.  All this
+anxiety has been too much for you.  I had better turn nurse, and let you
+be patient for a little time, and I'll prescribe a little change and
+excitement.  Firstly, a becoming new toilette for dinner to-night, in
+which you can do justice to your charms."
+
+Vere never dines with us now, as the evenings are her worst time, and
+she spends them entirely in her own little sitting-room.  I am always
+with her to read aloud, or play games, or talk, just as she prefers; but
+this night there were actually some people coming to dinner for the
+first time since the pre-historic ages before the fire.  The people
+around had been very kind and attentive, and mother thought it our duty
+to ask a few of them; so four couples were coming, and Will Dudley to
+pair with me.  It was quite an excitement after our quiet days; and Vere
+called her maid, and sent her to bring down one or two evening dresses
+which had been rescued uninjured from a hanging cupboard and left
+untouched until now, in the box in which they had been packed.
+
+"Miss Una is so much thinner, I believe she could get into them now,
+Terese; and I have a fancy to dress her up to-night and see what we can
+make of her," she said, smiling; and Terese beamed with delight, not so
+much at the thought of dressing me, as in joy at hearing her beloved
+mistress take an interest in anything again.  She adores Vere, as all
+servants do.  It's because she makes pretty speeches to them and praises
+them when they do things well, instead of treating them like machines,
+as most people do.  In my superior moments I used to think that she was
+hypocritical, while I myself was honest and outspoken; but I am
+beginning to see that praise is sometimes more powerful than blame.  I
+am really becoming awfully grown-up and judicious.  I hardly know myself
+sometimes.
+
+Well, Terese brought in three dresses, and I tried them on in
+succession, and Vere decided which was most becoming, and directed
+little alterations, and said what flowers I was to wear, and how my hair
+was to be done, just exactly as if I were a new doll which made an
+amusing plaything.  I had to be dressed in her room, too, and she lay
+watching me with her big wan eyes, issuing directions to Terese, and
+saying pretty things to me.  It was one of her very, very nicest days,
+and I did love her.
+
+When the last touch was given I surveyed myself in the long mirror and
+"blushed at my own reflection," like the girl in books who is going to
+her first ball.  I really did look my very, very nicest, and so grown
+up, and sort of fragile and interesting, instead of the big, hulking
+schoolgirl of a year ago.  The lovely moonshiny dress would have suited
+anyone, and Terese had made my hair look just about twice as thick as
+when I do it myself.  I can't think how she manages!  I did feel
+pleased, and thought it sweet of Vere to be pleased too, for it was not
+in girl nature to avoid feeling lone and lorn at being left alone,
+stretched on that horrid couch.  She tried to smile bravely as I left
+her to go downstairs, but her lips trembled a little, and she said in a
+wistful way--
+
+"Perhaps, if I feel well enough, you might bring Mr Dudley up to see me
+for a few minutes after dinner.  Terese will let you know how I am."
+
+I had to promise, of course, but I didn't like doing it.  It didn't seem
+fair either to Rachel or to Jim Carstairs to let these two see too much
+of each other, or to Vere herself, for that matter; for I always have a
+kind of dread that this time it may not be all pretence on her side.
+She seems a little different when Will is there, less absolutely
+confident and sure of herself.
+
+The four couples arrived in good time.  How uninteresting middle-aged
+couples are!  One always wondered why they married each other, for they
+seem so prosy and matter-of-fact.  When I am a middle-aged couple, or
+half of one, I shall be like father and mother, and carry about with me
+the breath of eternal romance, as Lorna would say, and I shall "Bant,"
+and never allow myself to grow stout, and simply annihilate my husband
+if he dares to call me "my dear."  Fancy coming down to being a "my
+dear" in a cap!
+
+I had gone into the conservatory to show some plants to funny old bald
+Mr Farrer, and when he toddled out to show a bloom to his wife I came
+face to face with Will, standing in the entrance by himself, looking so
+handsome and bored.  He gave a quick step forward as he saw me and
+exclaimed first "Babs!" and then, with a sudden change of voice and
+manner, almost as if he were startled--
+
+"Una!"
+
+He didn't shake hands with me, and I felt a little bit scared and shy,
+for it is only very, very rarely that he calls me by my name, and I have
+a kind of feeling that when he does he likes me more than usual.  It was
+Vere's dress, of course; perhaps it made me look like her.  We went back
+into the drawing-room, and stood in a corner like dummies until dinner
+was announced.
+
+I thought it would have been such fun, but it wasn't.  Will was dull and
+distrait, and he hardly looked at me once, and talked about sensible
+impersonal things the whole time.  Of course, I like sensible
+conversation; one feels humiliated if a man does nothing but frivol, but
+there is a happy medium.  When you are nineteen and looking your best,
+you don't care to be treated as if you were a hundred and fifty, and a
+fright at that.  Will and I have always been good friends, and being
+engaged as he is, I expect him to be perfectly frank and out-spoken.
+
+I tried to be lively and keep the conversation going, but it was such an
+effort that I grew tired, and I really think I am rather delicate for
+once in my life, for what with the exertion and the depression, I felt
+quite ill by the time dessert was on the table.  All the ladies said how
+pale I was in the drawing-room, and mother puckered her eyebrows when
+she looked at me.  Dear, sweet mother!  It was horrid of me to be
+pleased at anything which worried her, but when you have been of no
+account, and all the attention has been lavished on someone else, it is
+really rather soothing to have people think of you for a change.
+
+Terese met me coming out of the dining-room, and said that Vere was well
+enough to see Mr Dudley, so I took him upstairs as soon as he appeared.
+Passing through the hall, I saw a letter addressed to me in Lorna's
+handwriting, on the table, and carried it up with me to read while they
+were talking.  They wouldn't want me, and it would be a comfort to
+remember that Lorna did.  I was just in the mood to be a martyr, so when
+I had seen Will seated beside the couch, and noticed that Vere had been
+arrayed for the occasion in her prettiest wrap, with frilled cushion
+covers to match, I went right off to the end of the room and sat down on
+the most uncomfortable chair I could find.  When one feels low it is
+comical what a relief it is to punish oneself still further.  When I
+thought myself ill-used as a child, I used always to refuse tart and
+cream, which I loved, and eat rice pudding, which I hated.  The
+uncomfortable chair was the rice pudding in this instance, but I soon
+forgot all about it, and even about Vere and Will, in the excitement of
+reading that letter.
+
+  "My own Maggie,--(on the second day after we met at school Lorna and I
+  decided to call each other `Maggie'--short for `magnetic attraction'--
+  but we only do it when we write, otherwise it excites curiosity, and
+  that is horrid in matters of the heart!)--My own Maggie,--It is ages
+  since I heard from you, darling.  Why didn't you answer my letter last
+  week?  But I know how occupied you are, poor angel, and won't scold
+  you as you deserve.  I think of you every moment of the day, and do so
+  long to be able to help you to bear your heavy burden.  How little we
+  thought when you went home how soon the smiling future would turn into
+  a frown!  We both seem to have left our careless youth far behind, for
+  I have my own trials too, though nothing to yours, my precious
+  darling.
+
+  "I have heaps to tell you.  I decided to have the blue dress, after
+  all, and the dressmaker has made it sweetly, with dozens of little
+  tucks.  I wore it at an afternoon `At Home' yesterday, and it looked
+  lovely.  Lots of people were there.  Wallace took me.  He is at home
+  helping with the practice.  Maggie, my darling, I am really writing to
+  ask you the most awful favour.  Would you, could you, come down to
+  stay with us for a few weeks?  I do long for you so.  There is no one
+  on earth but you to whom I can speak my utmost thoughts, and I feel
+  all bottled up, for there are some things one can't write.  I know you
+  feel this, too, dearest, for there is a change in the tone of your
+  letters, and I read between the lines that you have lots to tell me.
+  We could have great sport with Wallace to take us about, and the
+  people around are very hospitable, and always ask us out when we have
+  a visitor.  Wallace saw your photograph one day, and said you were
+  `ripping,' and he is quite keen on your coming, though, as a rule, he
+  doesn't care for girls.  Mother will write to Mrs Sackville if you
+  think there is the slightest chance that you can be spared.  Of
+  course, darling, if you feel it your duty to stay at home I won't
+  persuade you to come.  You remember how we vowed to urge each other to
+  do our best and noblest, but perhaps if you had a little change you
+  would go back refreshed and able to help your people better than you
+  can at present.  Anyway, write soon, darling, and put me out of my
+  suspense.  I sha'n't sleep a wink till I hear.  Oh, the bliss of
+  having you all to myself!  How we would talk!
+
+  "Your own Maggie."
+
+Yes, it would indeed be bliss!  I longed for Lorna, but it did not seem
+possible to go away and enjoy myself, and leave Vere so helpless and
+sad.  I decided not to say a word about the invitation, but I couldn't
+help thinking about it.  Lorna lived in a big town house in the middle
+of a street; her father is a busy doctor, and is not at all rich, but
+very jolly.  She is the only unmarried girl, and has half-a-dozen
+brothers in all stages, from twelve up to Wallace, who is a doctor, and
+thinks my photograph is "ripping!"  It all seemed so tempting, and so
+refreshingly different from anything I have known.  I began imagining it
+all--the journey, meeting Lorna at the station, and tearing about with
+all those funny, merry boys, instead of tiptoeing about a sick-room;
+Wallace being nice and attentive to me, instead of in love with someone
+else, as all the men at home seem to be, and Lorna creeping into my bed
+at night, with her hair in a funny, tight little pigtail, and talking,
+talking, talking for hour after hour.  Oh, I did want to go so badly!
+The tears came to my eyes for very longing.  My resolution did not waver
+one bit, but I was dreadfully sorry for myself, all the same.
+
+Suddenly I became aware that there was a dead silence in the room.  How
+long it had lasted I can't tell, but when I looked up there were Vere
+and Will staring at me, and looking as if they had been staring for an
+age, and couldn't understand what on earth was the matter.  I jumped and
+got red, and blinked away the tears, and Vere said--
+
+"What is the matter, child?  Have you had bad news?  You look as if your
+heart was broken!"
+
+"Oh, no--there's no news at all.  I am tired, I think, and stupid, and
+wasn't thinking of what I was doing."
+
+"You seemed to be thinking of something pretty deeply; and what business
+have you to be tired--a baby like you?  I have been prescribing for her
+to-day, Mr Dudley.  Have you noticed how thin she has grown?  She
+hadn't discovered it herself until I told her, wonderful to relate."
+
+"I don't think she has thought of herself at all these last few months,"
+said Will, quietly.
+
+He only just gave one glance at me, and then looked away, and I was
+thankful, for every drop of blood in my body seemed to fly to my face in
+the joy of hearing him praise me like that.  Vere did not speak for a
+moment or two, and then she just asked who the letter was from.
+
+"Lorna Forbes.  She writes every week.  I haven't written to her for an
+age--nearly a month."
+
+They both knew about Lorna, and teased me about her when I quoted her
+opinion, and now, to my surprise, Will lifted his eyes from the carpet,
+and said, looking me full in the face--
+
+"And she wants you to pay her a visit, and you think you ought not to
+go?"
+
+How could he guess?  I was so taken aback that at first I could only
+gasp and stare.
+
+"How in the world did you know?"  I asked at last, and he smiled and
+said--
+
+"Your face was very eloquent.  It was very easy to read, wasn't it, Miss
+Sackville?"
+
+"I did not find it so transparent as you seem to have done; I suppose I
+am dense," Vere replied, with a laugh that sounded a little bit
+strained.  "Is it true, Babs?  Has Mr Dudley read the signs correctly?"
+
+I had to confess, making as light of it as possible, but they weren't
+deceived a bit.
+
+"You hardly looked as if you didn't `care,'" Will remarked drily, and
+Vere said quite quickly and eagerly--
+
+"You must go, Babs--of course you must go!  It is the very thing you
+need.  You have been a ministering angel to me, and I'm very grateful,
+but I don't want the responsibility of making you ill.  Change and the
+beloved Lorna will soon bring back your roses, and it will be amusing to
+hear of your escapades when you return.  Don't think of me!  It is good
+for me to be quiet, and there are plenty of friends who will come in for
+an hour or two if I feel the need of society.  You will take pity on me,
+won't you, Mr Dudley?  You will come sometimes and have tea with mother
+and me?"
+
+"I shall be delighted," said Will, gravely.  As for me, I didn't know
+whether to be most pleased or depressed.  I should pay my visit to
+Lorna, that was practically settled from the moment Vere approved of the
+proposal, which was one nice thing; and another was her remark that I
+had been an angel; but it seemed as if I could be very easily spared,
+and I had grown to think myself indispensable these last few weeks.  We
+talked a little more about it, and then Will and I went downstairs.  He
+didn't speak until we were nearly at the drawing-room door, when he said
+abruptly--
+
+"You are very eager to get away!  Are you so tired of this neighbourhood
+and all the people it contains?"
+
+"Oh, so tired! so utterly, utterly tired!"  I cried earnestly.
+
+It sounded rude, perhaps, but at the moment I really felt it.  I had
+reached the stage of tiredness when I had a perfect craving for a
+change.  He didn't say a word, but stalked straight forward, and never
+spoke to me again except to say good-night.  It doesn't concern me, of
+course, but I do hope for Rachel's sake that he hasn't a sulky nature.
+
+Heigh-ho for Lorna!  I am going at the end of next week.  I am
+positively bursting with delight!
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FIFTEEN.
+
+                                                          _October 4th_.
+Here I am!  It is not a bit as I imagined, but ever so much nicer.
+Lorna looks sweet in grown-up things, and she thinks I look sweet in
+mine.  She comes into my bed at nights, and we talk for hours.  The
+house is right in the middle of the town, in a dingy old square, where
+the trees look more black than green.  It is ugly and shabby, but there
+is plenty of room, which is a good thing, for I am sure it is needed.
+The doctor sits in his consulting-room all the morning seeing patients,
+who wait their turn in the dining-room, and if there are a great many
+you have to be late for lunch, but, as Lorna says, "That means another
+guinea, so we mustn't grumble!"  They are not at all rich, because the
+six boys cost so much to educate.  They are all away at school and
+college, except the oldest and the youngest, of whom more anon.
+
+Dr Forbes is an old love.  He has shaggy grey hair, and merry eyes, and
+the funniest way of talking aloud to himself without knowing what he is
+saying.  At lunch he will keep up a running conversation like this:
+"Nasty case--yes, nasty case!  Poor woman, poor woman!  Very little
+chance--little chance--Very good steak, my dear--an admirable dinner you
+have given me!  Am-pu-ta-tion at eleven--mustn't forget the medicine.
+Three times a day.  A little custard, if you please," and so on, and so
+on, and the others never take any notice, but eat away as if no one were
+speaking.
+
+Mrs Forbes is large and kind, and shakes when she laughs.  I don't
+think she is clever, exactly, but she's an admirable mother, and lets
+them do exactly as they like.
+
+Wallace isn't bad.  He is twenty-four, and fairly good-looking, and not
+as conceited as men generally are at that age.  Personally, I prefer
+them older, but he evidently approves of me, and that is soothing to the
+feelings.  Julias, surnamed "Midas," is only twelve, and a most amusing
+character.  I asked Lorna and Wallace how he got his nickname, as we sat
+together over a fire in the old schoolroom the first night.  They
+laughed, and Wallace said--(of course, I call him Dr Wallace, really,
+but I can't be bothered to write it here)--
+
+"Because everything he touches turns to gold, or, to speak more
+correctly, copper!  He has a genius for accumulating money, and has what
+we consider quite a vast sum deposited in the savings bank.  My father
+expects him to develop into a great financier, and we hope he may
+pension off all his brothers and sister, to keep them from the
+workhouse.  To do Midas justice, he is not mean in a good cause, and I
+believe he will do the straight thing."
+
+"But how can he make money?  He is only twelve.  I don't see how it is
+to be done," I cried.  And they laughed and said--
+
+"It began years ago--when he shed his front teeth.  Mother used to offer
+us sixpence a tooth when they grew waggly, and we pulled them out
+without any fuss.  We each earned sixpences in our turn, and all went
+well; but when Midas once began he was not content to stop, and worked
+away at sound, new double teeth, until he actually got out two in one
+afternoon.  Then mother took alarm, and the pay was stopped.  There was
+an interregnum after that, and what came next?  Let me see--it must have
+been the sleeping sickness.  Midas grew very rapidly, Miss Sackville,
+and it was very difficult to get him to bed at nights, so as the mater
+thought he was suffering from the want of sleep, she promised him
+threepence an hour for every hour he spent in bed before nine o'clock.
+After that he retired regularly every night at seven, and on half-
+holidays it's a solemn fact that he was in bed at four o'clock, issuing
+instructions as to the viands which were to be brought up for his
+refreshment!  The mater stood it for a time, but the family finances
+wouldn't bear the strain, so she limited the hours and reduced the fee,
+and Midas returned to his old ways.  What came after that, Lorna?"
+
+"I don't know--I forget!  Of course there was Biggs--"
+
+"Ah, yes, Miss Biggs!  Miss Biggs, you must know, Miss Sackville, is an
+ancient friend of the family, whom we consider it a duty to invite for a
+yearly visit.  She is an admirable old soul, but very deaf, very slow,
+and incredibly boring.  Her favourite occupation is to bring down
+sheaves of letters from other maiden ladies, and insist upon reading
+them aloud to the assembled family.  `I have just had a letter from
+Louisa Gibbings; I am sure you will like to hear it,' she will say
+calmly, when the poor old parents are enjoying a quiet read after
+dinner, and we youngsters are in the middle of a game.  None of us have
+the remotest idea who Louisa Gibbings may be, and don't want to know,
+but we are bound to listen to three sheets of uninteresting information
+as to how `My brother in China contemplates a visit home next year.'
+`My garden is looking charming, but the peas are very poor this season.'
+`You will be grieved to hear that our good Mary still suffers acutely
+from the old complaint,' etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.  Last time she
+paid her visit when Midas had his Easter holidays, and one day, seeing
+mother quite exhausted by her efforts at entertainment, he made the
+brilliant proposal that he should take Miss Biggs off her hands for the
+sum of fourpence an hour.  Mother agreed with enthusiasm, and Midas made
+quite a fortune in the next fortnight, with equal satisfaction to all
+concerned.  In the morning he took Miss Biggs out walking to see the
+sights, and gave her his advice in the purchase of new caps.  In the
+afternoon the wily young wretch cajoled her into giving him an hour's
+coaching in French, and in the evening he challenged her to draughts and
+dominoes, and made a point of allowing her to win.  Mother had a chance
+of attending to her work; father could read in peace; Midas was in a
+condition of such complacent good nature that he declared Miss Biggs was
+a `ripping old girl,' and she on her part gave him the credit for being
+`the most gentlemanly youth she had ever encountered.'  I believe she is
+really attached to him, and should not wonder if she remembers him
+substantially in her will.  Then Midas will have scored a double
+triumph!"
+
+Wallace and Lorna laughed as heartily as I did over these histories.
+They really are a most good-natured family, and Wallace treats Lorna as
+politely as if she were someone else, and not his own sister, which is
+very different from some young men I could mention.  I had put on my
+blue dress, and I knew quite well that he admired it and me, and that
+put me in such good spirits that I was quite sparkling and witty.  He
+stayed talking to us until after nine, when he had to go downstairs to
+write some letters.
+
+"Thank goodness!  I thought he would never go.  What a bore he is!"
+Lorna said, when the door closed behind him.
+
+I didn't feel like that at all, but I disguised my feelings, and told
+her the details and the adventures of the last three months, and about
+Vere, and the house, and my own private tribulations, and she
+sympathised and looked at everything from my point of view, in the nice,
+unprejudiced way friends have.  It was very soothing, and I could have
+gone on for a long time, but it was only polite to return the
+compliment, so I said--
+
+"Now we must talk about you!  You said in your last letter that you had
+many troubles of which you could not write.  Poor, sweet thing, tell me
+about them!  Begin at the beginning.  What do you consider your very
+greatest trial?"
+
+Lorna pondered.  She is dark and slight, and wears her hair parted in
+the middle, and puffed out at the sides in a quaint fashion that just
+suits her style.  She wrinkled her brows, and stared into space in a
+rapt, melancholy fashion.
+
+"I think," she said, slowly, at last, "I think it is the drawing-room!"
+
+I was surprised, but still not surprised, for the drawing-room is awful!
+Big and square, and filled with heavy furniture, and a perfect shopful
+of ugly ornaments and bead mats, and little tables, and milking-stools,
+and tambourines, and bannerettes, and all the kind of things that were
+considered lovely ages ago, but which no self-respecting girl of our age
+could possibly endure.  Lorna told me thrilling tales of her experience
+with that room.
+
+"When I first came home, mother saw that I didn't like it, so she said
+she knew quite well that she was old-fashioned and behind the times, and
+now that she had a grown-up daughter she would leave the arrangement of
+such things to her, and I could alter the room as much as ever I liked.
+So, my dear, I made Mary bring the biggest tray in the house, and I
+filled it three times over with gimcracks of all descriptions, and sent
+them up to the box-room cupboard.  I kept about three tables instead of
+seven, with really nice things on them, and left a good sweep of floor
+on which you could walk about without knocking things down.  I pulled
+out the piano from the wall, and lowered the pictures, and gathered all
+the old china together, and put it on the chimney-piece, and--and--oh, I
+can't tell you all the alterations, but you would hardly have known it
+for the same room!  It looked quite decent.  When all was finished, I
+sent for mother, and she came in and sat down, and, my dear, she turned
+quite white!  She kept looking round and round, searching for things
+where she had been accustomed to find them, and she looked as if
+something hurt her.  I asked her if she didn't like it, and she said--
+
+"`Oh, yes, it looks much more--more modern.  Yes, dear, you have been
+very clever.  It is quite--smart!  A little bare, isn't it--just a
+little bare, don't you think?'
+
+"`No, mother,' I said sternly, `not the least little bit in the world!
+It seems so to you because you have had it so crowded that there was no
+room to move, but you will soon get accustomed to the room as it is, and
+like it far better.'
+
+"`Yes, dear,' she said meekly, `of--of course.  I'm sure you are quite
+right,' and will you believe it, Una, she went straight into her own
+room, and cried!  I know she did, for I saw the marks on her face later
+on, and taxed her with it.  She was very apologetic, but she said the
+little table with the gold legs had been father's first gift to her
+after they were married, and she couldn't bear to have it put aside; and
+the ivory basket under the glass shade had come from the first French
+Exhibition, and she had worked those bead bannerettes herself when I was
+teething, and threatened with convulsions, and she did not dare to leave
+the house.  Of course, I felt a wretch, and hugged her, and said--
+
+"`Why didn't you say so before?  We will bring them back at once, and
+put them where they were; but you have not tender associations with all
+the things.  You did not work that hideous patchwork cushion, for
+instance, and--'
+
+"`No, but Aunt Mary Ryley did,' she cried eagerly, `and it is made out
+of pieces of all the dresses we wore when we were girls together.  I
+often look at it and remember the happy times I had in the grey poplin
+and the puce silk.'
+
+"So, of course, the cushion had to come back too, and by the end of a
+week every single thing was taken out of the cupboard, and put in its
+former place!  They _all_ had memories, and mother loved the memories,
+and cared nothing for the appearance.  I was sweet about it.  I wouldn't
+say so to anyone but you, Una, but I really was quite angelic, until one
+day when Amy Reeve came to call.  She was staying with some friends a
+few miles off, and drove in to see me.  You know how inquisitive Amy is,
+and how she stares, and takes in everything, and quizzes it afterwards?
+Well, my dear, she sat there, and her eyes simply roved round and round
+the whole time, until she must have known the furniture by heart.  I
+suffered," sighed Lorna plaintively, "I suffered _anguish_!  I wouldn't
+have minded anyone else so much--but Amy!"
+
+I said, (properly), that Amy was a snob and an idiot, and that it
+mattered less than nothing what she thought, but all the time I knew
+that I should have felt humiliated myself, and Lorna knew it, too, but
+was not vexed with me for pretending the contrary, for it is only right
+to set a good example.
+
+"Of course," she said, "one ought to be above such petty trials.  If a
+friendship hangs upon chiffoniers and bead mats, it can't be worth
+keeping.  I have told myself so ever since, but human nature is hard to
+kill, and I _should_ have liked the house to look nice when Amy called!
+I despise myself for it, but I foresee that that room is going to be a
+continual trial.  Its ugliness weighs upon me, and I feel self-conscious
+and uncomfortable every time my friends come to call, but I am not going
+to attempt any more changes.  I wouldn't make the dear old mother cry
+again for fifty drawing-rooms!"
+
+I thought it was sweet of her to talk like that, and wanted so badly to
+find a way out of the difficulty.  I always feel there must be a way,
+and if one only thinks long enough it can generally be found.  I sat
+plunged in thought, and at last the inspiration came.
+
+"Didn't you say this room was your own to do with as you liked?"
+
+"Yes; mother said I could have it for my den.  Nobody uses it now; but,
+Una, it is hideous, too!"
+
+"But it might be made pretty!  It is small, and wouldn't take much
+furnishing.  You could pick up a few odds and ends from other rooms that
+would not be missed."
+
+"Oh, yes, mother wouldn't mind that, and the green felting on the floor
+is quite nice and new; but the paint, and the paper-saffron roses--and
+gold skriggles--and a light oak door!  How could you possibly make
+anything look artistic against such a background?"
+
+"You couldn't, and it wouldn't be much fun if you could.  I've thought
+of something far more exciting.  Lorna, let us paper and paint it
+ourselves!  Let us go to town to-morrow, and choose the very, very most
+artistic and up-to-date paper that can be bought, and buy some tins of
+enamel, and turn workmen every morning.  Oh, do!  I should love it; and
+you were saying only an hour ago that you did not know how to amuse me
+in the mornings.  If we did the room together you would always associate
+me with it, and I should feel as if it were partly mine, and be able to
+imagine just where you were sitting.  Oh, do, Lorna!  It would be such
+ripping sport!"
+
+She didn't speak for a good half-minute, but just sat staring up in
+ecstasy of joy.
+
+"You angel!" she cried at last.  "You simple duck!  How can you think of
+such lovely plans?  Oh, Una, how have I lived without you all these
+months?  Of course, I'll do it.  I'd love to!  I am never happier than
+when I am wrapped up in an apron with a brush in my hand.  I've
+enamelled things before now, but never hung a paper.  Do you really
+think we could?"
+
+"Of course!  If the British workman can do it, there can't be much skill
+required, and we with our trained intelligence will soon overcome any
+difficulty," I said grandiloquently.  "All we want is a pot of paste,
+and a pair of big scissors, and a table to lay the strips of paper on.
+I've seen it done scores of times."
+
+"So have I," said Lorna.  "And doesn't the paste smell!  I expect, what
+with that and the enamel, we shall have no appetites left.  It will
+spoil our complexions, too, very likely, and make us pale and sallow,
+but that doesn't matter."
+
+I thought it mattered a good deal.  It was all very well for her, but
+she wasn't staying with a friend who had an interesting grown-up
+brother.  Even the finest natures can be inconsiderate sometimes.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SIXTEEN.
+
+                                                       _September 23rd_.
+The next morning we went to a paperhanger's shop and asked to see the
+very newest and most artistic designs in stock.  There were lots of
+lovely things, but after great discussion we decided on a thick white
+paper, perfectly plain, except in each corner of the room, where there
+was a sort of conventional rose tree, growing up about seven feet high,
+with outstanding branches laden with the most exquisite pink roses.  The
+white of the background was partly tinged with blue, with here and there
+a soft, irregular blue like a cloud.  Looking up suddenly, you might
+imagine you were in the open air in the midst of a rose garden, and that
+would be a very pleasant delusion in Onslow Square.
+
+The salesman asked how many pieces he should send, and whether we wished
+it hung at once.  When I said we intended to hang it ourselves, he
+said--
+
+"Oh, indeed, madam!" and looked unutterable things.
+
+We were so quelled that we did not dare to ask him about the enamel and
+paste as we intended, but bought those at a modest little shop further
+on, and went home rejoicing.
+
+Mrs Forbes had laughed and shaken all over in the most jovial manner
+when we told her of our plans, but she didn't approve of the white paper
+and paint, because, forsooth, it would get soiled.  Of course it would
+get soiled!  Things always do sooner or later.  Old people are so
+dreadfully prudent that they get no pleasure out of life.  When this
+paper is shabby Lorna can get a new one, or she may be married, or dead,
+or half a dozen different things.  It's absurd to plan years ahead.  I
+cheered up poor Lorna, who is of a sensitive nature and easily
+depressed, and when she recovered asked what she thought we ought to do
+next.
+
+"The first thing to settle," she said decidedly, "is Midas!  He can help
+us in a dozen ways if he will, for he is really wonderfully handy for a
+boy of his age.  He will do nothing unless we consult him formally, and
+make a definite business arrangement, but it pleases him and won't hurt
+us, as it will be only a few coppers.  He is saving up for a motor-car
+at the present moment, and Wallace says that by steady attention to
+business he really believes he will get one by the time he is sixty."
+
+We called Midas in and consulted him professionally.  He is tall and
+lanky, and has pale blue eyes with long light eyelashes.  You would
+think to look at him that he was a gentle, unworldly creature, addicted
+to poetry, but he isn't!  He sat astride the table and viewed the
+landscape o'er.
+
+"The first thing will be to take every stick of furniture out of the
+room, and have the carpet up.  I know what girls are when they do jobs
+of this kind.  You will be up to your eyes in paste, and it won't be
+safe to leave anything within touching distance.  The furniture must be
+removed and stored.  I'll store it for you in my room.  Then you'll need
+a ladder, and some planks for the lengths of paper to lie on, while you
+paste 'em.  I'll hire you the old shutter from the drawing-room."
+
+"The shutters are as much mine as yours," said Lorna.  "I don't need to
+hire them; I can have them if I want!"
+
+"That's where you show your ignorance, my dear.  They are in my
+possession, and I won't give them up without compensation.  Then you'll
+need a man to assist in the hanging!"
+
+"Say a boy at once, and name your price, and be done with it.  You are a
+regular Shylock!"
+
+Midas grinned as if pleased with the compliment, drew a pocket-book and
+a stubby end of a pencil from his pocket, and began alternately stroking
+his chin and jotting down words and figures.  Lorna grimaced at me
+behind his back, but kept a stern expression for his benefit.  I suppose
+she knew that if he saw her smile prices would go up.  Presently he drew
+a line, tore the leaf out of the book and handed it across with a bow.
+
+"My estimate, ladies!  It is always more satisfactory to have an
+agreement beforehand."
+
+I peeped over Lorna's shoulder and read--
+
+Estimate For Proposed Renovations.
+
++==========================================+=+=+
+|To Removal of furniture                   |1|9|
++------------------------------------------+-+-+
+|Storage of same at rate of 6 pence per day|1|6|
++------------------------------------------+-+-+
+|Restoration of same                       |1|9|
++------------------------------------------+-+-+
+|Impliments                                |1|0|
++------------------------------------------+-+-+
+|Man's time                                |1|3|
++------------------------------------------+-+-+
+|Sundrys                                   | |6|
++------------------------------------------+-+-+
+|                                          |7|9|
++==========================================+=+=+
+
+It was quite a formidable total, but Lorna was evidently accustomed to
+extortionate demands, and began beating him down without delay.
+
+"Well, of all the outrageous pieces of impudence!  Seven and ninepence,
+indeed!  You must have taken leave of your senses.  If you think I am
+going to pay you four or five shillings for carrying a few odds and ends
+of furniture along the passage, you are mightily mistaken!  And we
+should have to help you, too, for you couldn't manage alone.  If we
+asked Wallace he'd do it at once, without any pay at all."
+
+"Drink to me only with thine eyes!" chanted the little wretch, folding
+his arms and gazing fixedly at me with a life-like assumption of
+Wallace's attitude and expression, which sent Lorna into fits of
+laughter, and made me magenta with embarrassment.  "If you like to wait
+until Wallace has time to run your errands and see you through your
+difficulties, you will get your room finished by Christmas--with luck!
+I am sorry you think my charges high, but I'm afraid I don't see my way
+to reduce 'em."
+
+"Midas, don't be a goose!  We will pay you twopence an hour for your
+time, and twopence a day for storage--that's the limit.  That disposes
+of the first four items.  As for the rest, we had better understand each
+other before we go any further.  Kindly distinguish between implements
+and sundries."
+
+"Is this an Oxford local, or is it a conversation between a brother and
+sister?"  Midas demanded, throwing back his head, and mutely appealing
+to an unseen arbiter in the corner of the ceiling.  "If you can't
+understand a simple thing like that, it doesn't say much for your
+education.  It is easily seen _you_ were never a plumber!  I thought we
+were going to come to a friendly agreement, but you are so close and
+grasping, there is no dealing with you.  Look here, will you give me
+half-a-crown for the job?"
+
+I gasped with surprise at this sudden and sweeping reduction of terms,
+but Lorna said calmly--
+
+"Done!  A halfpenny discount if paid within the hour!" and they shook
+hands with mutual satisfaction.
+
+"Cheap at the price!" was Lorna's comment, as the contractor left the
+room, and before the next few days were over I heartily agreed with this
+opinion.  Midas was an ideal workman, grudging neither time nor pains to
+accomplish his task in a satisfactory manner.  His long arms and strong
+wrists made light of what would have been heavy tasks for us, and the
+dirtier he grew the more he enjoyed it.  It must be dreadful to live in
+a town!  Lorna assured me plaintively that the room had been thoroughly
+spring-cleaned at Easter, but I should have thought it had happened
+nearer the Flood.  I swallowed pecks of dust, and my hands grew raw with
+washing before we began to paint.  I thought we should never have
+finished enamelling that room.  The first coat made hardly any
+impression on the background, and we had to go over it again and again
+before we got anything like a good effect.  To a casual observer it
+looked really very nice, but we knew where to look for shortcomings, and
+I grew hot whenever anyone looked at a certain panel in the door.
+
+Then we set to work on the paper.  First you cut it into lengths.  It
+seems quite easy, but it isn't, because you waste yards making the
+patterns meet, and then you haven't enough, and you go into town to buy
+more, and they haven't it in stock, and it has to be ordered, and you
+sit and champ, and can't get any further.
+
+Then you make the paste.  It smells horrid, and do what you will, cover
+yourself as best you can, it gets up to the eyes!  We wore two old
+holland skirts of Lorna's, quite short and trig, and washing shirts, and
+huge print wrappers; but before we had been working for an hour our
+fingers were glued together; then we yawned or sneezed and put our hands
+to our faces, and _they_ were stickied.  Then bits of hair--"tendrils"
+as they call them in books--fell down, and we fastened them up, and our
+hair got as bad.  We were spectacles!
+
+A kettle was kept on the hob, and we were continually bathing our hands
+in hot water, for, of course, we dared not touch the outside of the
+paper unless they were quite clean, and the table wanted washing before
+each fresh strip was laid down, as the paste had always oozed off the
+edges of the last piece.  There is one thing sure and certain: I shall
+never take up paper-hanging as a profession.
+
+The hanging itself is really rather exciting.  Midas climbed to the top
+of the ladder and held the top of the strip in position; Lorna crouched
+beneath, and guided it in the way it should go, so as to meet the edge
+of the one before, and I stood on a chair and smoothed it down and down
+with a clean white cloth.  Doing it with great care like this, we got no
+wrinkles at all, and when the first side of the room was finished, it
+looked so professional that we danced--literally danced--for joy.
+
+By the end of the afternoon it was done, and so were we!  Simply so
+tired we could hardly stand, but mentally we were full of triumph, for
+that room was a picture to behold.  We ran out into the passage and
+brought in everyone we could find, servants and charwoman included.
+Then they made remarks, and we stood and listened.
+
+The cook said, "My, Miss Lorna, wouldn't the pattern go round?"  The
+charwoman said, "I like a bit of gilding meself.  It looks 'andsome."
+The parlourmaid said, "How will the furniture look against it, miss?"
+which was really the nastiest hit of all; only the little Tweeny stared
+and flushed, and rolled her hands in her apron, and said, "All them
+roses on the wall!  It would be like a Bank-'oliday to sit aside 'em!"
+
+Tweeny has the soul of a poet.  I bought her some flowers the very next
+time I went out.  Wallace came in and twiddled his moustache, and said--
+
+"By Jove, is it really done!  Aren't you dead beat?  I say, Miss
+Sackville, don't do any more to-day.  It's too bad of Lorna to work you
+like this.  I shall interfere in my professional capacity."
+
+He was far too much engrossed in Una Sackville to have any eyes for the
+paper.
+
+Mrs Forbes thought, like the cook, that it was a pity that the pattern
+didn't go round; and the dear old doctor tip-toed up and down, jingled
+the money in his pockets, and said--
+
+"Eh, what?  Eh, what?  Something quite novel, eh!  Didn't go in for
+things of this sort in my young days.  Very smart indeed, my dear, very
+smart!  Now I suppose you will be wanting some new fixings," (his hand
+came slowly out of his waistcoat pocket, and my hopes ran mountains
+high).  "Mustn't spoil the ship for a penn'orth of tar, you know.
+There, that will help to buy a few odds and ends."
+
+He put something into Lorna's hand; she looked at it, flushed red with
+delight, and hugged him rapturously round the neck.  After he had gone
+she showed it to me with an air of triumph, and it was--half-a-
+sovereign!  I expected several pounds, and had hard work not to show my
+disappointment, but I suppose ten shillings means as much to Lorna as
+ten pounds to me.  Well, I am not at all sure that you don't get more
+fun out of planning and contriving to make a little money go a long way,
+than in simply going to a shop and ordering what you want.  Lorna's
+worldly wealth amounted, with the half-sovereign, to seventeen and six-
+pence, and with this lordly sum for capital we set to work to transform
+the room.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SEVENTEEN.
+
+I have told all our experiences in papering the room together, because
+they seemed to come better that way; but, of course, lots of other
+things have been happening at the same time.  One evening we went to a
+concert, and another time some friends came in after dinner, and we
+played games and had music.  I sang a great deal, and everyone seemed to
+like listening, and my dress was the prettiest in the room, and all the
+men wanted to talk to me, and it was most agreeable.
+
+On Sunday we went to an ugly town church, but the vicar had a fine, good
+face, and I liked his sermon.  He seemed to believe in you, and expect
+you to do great things, and that is always inspiring.  Some clergymen
+keep telling you how bad you are, and personally that puts my back up,
+and I begin to think I am not half so black as I am painted; but when
+this dear man took for granted that you were unselfish and diligent, and
+deeply in earnest about good things, I felt first ashamed, and then
+eager to try again, and fight the sins that do so terribly easily beset
+me.  I sang the last hymn in a sort of fervour, and came out into the
+cool night air, positively longing for a battle in which I could win my
+spurs, and oh dear, dear, in ten minutes' time, before we were half-way
+home, I was flirting with Wallace, and talking of frivolous worldly
+subjects, as if I had never had a serious thought in my life!
+
+It's so terribly hard to remember, and keep on remembering when one is
+young, but God must surely understand.  I don't think He will be angry.
+He knows that deep, deep down I want most of all to be good!
+
+Wallace is nice and kind and clever, and I like him to like me, but I
+could never by any possibility like him--seriously, I mean!  I can't
+tell why; it's just one of the mysterious things that comes by instinct
+when you grow up to be a woman.  There is a great gulf thousands of
+miles wide between the man you just like and the man you could love; but
+sometimes the man you could love doesn't want you, and it is wrong even
+to think of him, and then it's a temptation to be extra nice to the
+other one, because his devotion soothes your wounded feelings.
+
+I suppose Miss Bruce would call it love of admiration, and wish me to
+snub the poor fellow, and keep him at arm's length, but I don't see why
+I should.  It would be conceited to take for granted that he was
+seriously in love, and I don't see why I shouldn't enjoy myself when I
+get a chance.  It's only fun, of course, but I do enjoy playing off
+little experiments upon Wallace, to test my power over him, and then to
+watch the result!  For example, at lunch-time I express a casual wish
+for a certain thing, and before four o'clock it is in my possession; or
+I show an interest in an entertainment, and tickets appear as if by
+magic.  It is quite exciting.  I feel as if I were playing a thrilling
+new game.
+
+The room is almost furnished, and it looks sweet.  One can hardly
+believe it is the same dreary little den that I saw on that first
+evening.  We stole, (by kind permission), one or two chairs, a writing-
+table, and a dear little Indian cabinet from the overcrowded drawing-
+room, and with some help from Midas manufactured the most scrumptious
+cosy-corner out of old packing-cases and cushions covered with rose-
+coloured brocade.  We put a deep frill of the same material, mounted on
+a thin brass rail, on the wall above the mantelpiece, and arranged
+Lorna's best ornaments and nick-nacks against this becoming background.
+It did not seem quite appropriate to the garden idea to hang pictures on
+the walls, which is just as well, as she hasn't got any, but I bought
+her a tall green pedestal and flower-pot and a big branching palm as my
+contribution to the room, and as she says, "It gives the final touch of
+luxury to the whole."  I could wish for a new fender and fire-irons, and
+a few decent rugs, but you can't have everything in this wicked world,
+and really, at night when the lamp-light sends a rosy glow through the
+newly-covered shade, (only muslin, but it looks like silk!) you could
+not wish to see a prettier room.
+
+Lorna is awfully sweet about it.  She said to me, "It was your idea,
+Una.  I shall always feel that it was your gift, and every pleasant hour
+I spend here will be another link in the chain which binds us together.
+This visit of yours will be memorable, in more ways than one!" and she
+looked at me in a meaning fashion which I hated.  How more ways than
+one, pray?  I hope to goodness she is not getting any foolish notions in
+her head.  She might know me better by this time.
+
+I don't know why it is, but I am always depressed after a letter from
+home.  Mother reports that there is no improvement in Vere's health, and
+that her spirits are variable--sometimes low, sometimes quite bright and
+hopeful.  Mr Dudley is very good in coming to see her, and his visits
+always cheer her up.  He asked after me last time, hoped that I was
+enjoying myself and would not hurry back.  I am not wanted there
+apparently, and here they all love having me, and implore me to stay on.
+I wasn't sure if I wanted to, but I've decided that I will since that
+last letter arrived.  I told Mrs Forbes this morning that I would stay
+a fortnight longer, and she kissed me and looked quite unreasonably
+relieved.  I can't see how it matters much to her!
+
+Such a curious thing happened that night, when Wallace and I were
+talking about books, and discussing the heroine in a novel which he had
+given me to read.
+
+"Did she remind you of anyone?" he asked, and when I said "No," "Why,
+she is you to the life!  Appearance, manner, character--everything.  It
+might have been meant for a portrait," he declared.  "I was reading it
+over last night, and the likeness is extraordinary."
+
+I privately determined to read the book over again on the first
+opportunity to discover what I seemed like to other people.  The heroine
+is supposed to be very pretty and charming, but personally I had thought
+her rather silly, so I did not know whether to feel complimented or not.
+I determined to introduce the subject to Lorna, and see if she could
+throw any light upon it, and she did!  More light than I appreciated!
+
+"Oh, I liked Nan very well," she said, "but not nearly so much as
+Wallace did.  He simply raved about her and declared that if he ever met
+a girl like that in real life he should fall desperately in love with
+her on the spot.  She is his ideal of everything that a girl should be."
+
+"Oh!"  I said blankly.  For a moment I felt inclined to tell Lorna
+everything, but something stopped me, and I am thankful that it did.  It
+would be so horrid to feel she was watching all the time.  For once in
+my life I was glad when she went away, and I was left alone to think.
+
+"Desperately in love!"  Can Wallace really be that, and with me?  It
+makes me go hot and cold just to think of it, and my heart thumps with
+agitation.  I don't feel happy exactly, but very excited and important.
+I have such a lonely feeling sometimes, and I do so long for someone to
+love me best of all.  At home, though they are all kind enough, I am
+always second fiddle, if not third, and it is nice to be appreciated!  I
+could never care for Wallace in that way, but I like him to like me.  It
+makes things interesting, and I was feeling very flat and dejected, and
+in need of something to cheer me up.  Of course, I don't want to do
+anything wrong, but Wallace is so young, only twenty-four, and has no
+money, so he couldn't think of being married or anything silly like
+that; besides, I've heard it is good for boys to have a fancy for a nice
+girl--it keeps them steady.
+
+In any case, I have promised to stay on for another fortnight, and I
+couldn't alter my mind and go away now without making a fuss, and if I
+stay I can't be disagreeable, so I must just behave as if Lorna had
+never repeated that stupid remark.  I dare say, if the truth were known,
+Wallace has fancied himself in love with half-a-dozen girls before now,
+and it would be ridiculous of me to imagine anything serious.  Anyway, I
+don't care.  I have thought of nothing but other people for months back,
+and they don't seem to miss me a bit, but only hope I won't hurry back.
+I'm tired of it.  Now I am going to enjoy myself, and I don't care what
+happens!
+
+
+
+CHAPTER EIGHTEEN.
+
+It is ten days since I wrote anything in this diary, and to-night, when
+I opened it in my misery, hoping to find some comfort in writing down my
+thoughts, the first thing that met my eyes were those dreadful words, "I
+am going to enjoy myself, and I don't care what happens."  Enjoy myself,
+indeed!  I have never been so miserable in my life.  I never knew before
+what misery meant, even on that awful night of the fire, when we didn't
+know whether Vere would live or die.  Troubles with which one has
+nothing to do, which come, as it were, straight from God, can never make
+one feel like this.  There is no remorse in them, and no guilt, and no
+burning, intolerable shame.
+
+What would Miss Bruce think of her pupil now?  What would father think?
+What would Rachel--"the best woman in the world"--think of me to-night?
+
+I am going to make myself write it all down, and then, if I ever try to
+gloss it over to myself or others in the future, this written account
+will be here to give me the lie.  Here it is, then, bold and plain--
+
+"I have broken a man's heart for the sake of a little fun and excitement
+for myself, and as a sop to my wounded vanity!"
+
+It makes me shiver to read the words, for I did not realise the full
+meanness of what I was doing until the end came, and I woke with a shock
+to see myself as I really am.  All these last ten days I have been
+acting a part to myself as well as to others, pretending to be
+unconscious of danger, but I knew--oh, I knew perfectly well!  I think a
+girl must always know when a man loves her.  I knew it by the tone of
+Wallace's voice, by the light in his eyes, by the change which came over
+his looks and manner the moment I appeared.  It was like a game, a
+horrible new game which fascinated me against my will, and I could not
+bear to end it.  Every night when I said my prayers I determined to turn
+over a new leaf next day, but when the next day came I put on my
+prettiest clothes and did my hair the way he liked it best, and sang his
+favourite songs, and was all smiles and sweetness.  Oh, what a Pharisee
+I am!  In this very book I have denounced Vere for her flirtations and
+greed of admiration, and then I have succumbed to the very first
+temptation, without so much as a struggle.  I shall never, never be able
+to hold up my head again.  I feel too contemptible to live.
+
+Last night things came to a crisis.  Wallace and Lorna and I went to a
+party given by some intimate family friends.  Wallace had asked me in
+the morning what colour I was going to wear, and just before dinner he
+came into the drawing-room and presented me with a spray of the most
+lovely pink roses.  I think he expected to find me alone, but the whole
+family was assembled, and it was most embarrassing to see how seriously
+they took it.  At home we have loads of flowers in the conservatories,
+but sometimes one of Vere's admirers sends her a lot of early violets,
+or lilies of the valley, great huge boxes which must cost a small
+fortune, but no one thinks anything of it, or pays any attention beyond
+a casual remark.  Here, however, it was different.
+
+"Roses!" ejaculated Lorna, in a tone of awe-stricken astonishment.
+
+Midas whistled softly, and Mrs Forbes looked first at Wallace and then
+at me--in a wistful, anxious kind of way, which made me feel inclined to
+run home on the spot.  I determined to make some excuse and depart
+suddenly some day soon, while Wallace was out on his rounds, but it was
+too late.  I was not allowed to escape so easily as that.
+
+During the evening Wallace took me into the conservatory to see the
+flowers, and it was not my fault that everyone went out and left us
+alone.  I tried to be cold and chilling, but that only made him anxious
+to discover what was wrong.
+
+"It is my fault!  I know quite well it is my fault," he cried, bending
+over me, his face so drawn and puckered with anxiety that he looked
+quite old.  "I am a stupid, blundering fellow, and you have been an
+angel to be so sweet and forbearing.  I am not fit to come near you, but
+I would rather cut off my right hand than hurt you in any way.  You know
+that, don't you, Una?"
+
+He had never called me Una before, and he looked so different from the
+calm, complacent youth I had known a few weeks before--so much older and
+more formidable, that it was difficult to believe it could be the same
+person.  I was frightened, but tried hard to appear cool and self-
+possessed.
+
+"I am not vexed at all.  On the contrary, I am enjoying myself very
+much.  The flowers are lovely.  I always--"
+
+It was no use.  He seized my hand, and cried pleadingly--
+
+"Don't put me off, Una; don't trifle with me.  It's too serious for
+that.  You are cold to me to-night, and it has come to this, that I
+cannot live when you are not kind.  What has changed you since this
+afternoon?  Were you vexed with me for bringing you those roses?"
+
+"Not in the least, so far as I am concerned; but your people seemed
+astonished.  It made me feel a little awkward."
+
+He looked at once relieved and puzzled.  "But they know!" he cried.
+"They know quite well.  They would not be astonished at my giving you
+anything.  Has Lorna never told you that she knows?"
+
+"I really fail to understand what there is to know," I said, sitting up
+very straight and stiff, looking as haughty and unapproachable as I
+possibly could.  It was coming very close.  I knew it, though I never
+had the experience before, and I would have given anything in the world
+to escape.  Oh, how can girls like to have proposals from men whom they
+don't mean to accept?  How can they bring themselves to boast of them as
+if they were a triumph and a pride?  I never felt so humiliated in my
+life as I did when I sat there and listened to Wallace's wild words.
+
+"What is there to know?  Only that I love you with all my heart and
+strength--that I have loved you ever since the moment I first saw your
+sweet face.  You did not seem like a stranger, for I had been waiting
+for you all my life.  Oh, Una, these few weeks have been like a dream of
+happiness.  I never knew what it was to live before.  You are so--"
+
+I haven't the heart to repeat all the praises the poor fellow lavished
+upon me while I sat listening in an agony of shame, feeling more and
+more miserable every moment, as I realised that, in spite of his
+agitation, he was by no means despondent as to the result of his wooing.
+He seemed more anxious to assure me of his devotion than to question me
+about mine, as if he imagined that my coldness was caused by pique or
+jealousy.  I drew away my hands, and tried to stop him by vague murmurs
+of dissent, but it was no use, he only became more eager and determined.
+
+"We all love you, Una.  My mother thinks you the most charming girl she
+has ever met.  She was speaking of you to me only last night; she feels
+naturally a little sad, poor mother! to know that she is no longer the
+first consideration to her boy, but she quite understands.  And the
+pater, too--he is in love with you himself.  Who could help it,
+darling?"
+
+"Oh, stop, stop!  I can't bear it.  You must not talk like that," I
+cried desperately.  "You are taking everything for granted, and it is
+impossible, quite impossible.  I don't want to marry anyone.  I'm too
+young.  I must wait for years before I can even think of such a thing."
+
+He looked actually relieved, instead of disappointed, as my words
+evidently removed one big difficulty from his path.
+
+"I couldn't ask you to marry me yet, dearest.  I have my way to make,
+and could not provide a home that would be worthy of you for some years
+to come; but as you say, we are both young, and can afford to wait; and
+oh, Una, I could work like ten men with such a prospect to inspire me.
+I will get on for your sake; it is in me, I know it is--I shall
+succeed!"
+
+"I hope you may, I'm sure," I said, nearly crying with agitation and
+misery.  "But you must not think of me.  I have nothing to do with it.
+I like you very much, but I couldn't marry you now or ever--I never
+thought of such a thing--it's quite impossible.  You must, please,
+please, never speak of it again!"
+
+Even then he wouldn't understand, but preferred to think that I was shy,
+nervous, coy--anything rather than simply and absolutely truthful.  He
+began again in a humble, pleading voice, which tore my heart.
+
+"I know it seems presumption to ask so much.  I am an insignificant
+nobody, and you might marry anyone you liked.  In every sense of the
+word but one I am a wretched match for you, but love counts for
+something, and you will never find anyone to love you more.  I'd give my
+very life to serve you, and I will give it, if you will trust yourself
+to me!  My father was no older than I am when he became engaged, and he
+told me only the other day that he looked back on that hour as the
+beginning of his success.  He would be glad to see me engaged also."
+
+"Have you spoken about me to him, then, as well as to your mother?"  I
+demanded testily.  I felt so guilty about my own conduct that it was a
+relief to be able to find fault with someone else, and I worked myself
+up into quite a show of indignation.  "You must have made very sure of
+my answer to be ready to discuss me in such a general fashion.  It would
+have been more courteous to wait until you had my permission.  You have
+placed us both in a most awkward position, for, as I said before, I
+could never marry you.  It is quite impossible.  I like you very much,
+but not in that way.  Let us be friends, and forget everything else.  We
+were so happy as we were--it is such a pity to spoil it all like this."
+
+"Spoil it!" he repeated blankly.  He had grown quite white while I was
+speaking, and his eyes had a dazed, startled expression.  "Does it spoil
+things for you, Una, to know that I love you?  But you have known that
+for a long time--everyone in the house found it out, and you could not
+have helped seeing it, too.  You say I have made too sure of you.
+Forgive me, darling, but if I have done so it is only because I know you
+are too sweet and good to encourage a man when there was no hope.  I am
+more sorry than I can say if I have annoyed you by speaking to my
+parents, but the mater naturally spoke to me when she saw how things
+were going, and I had to consult my father about ways and means.  Una,
+darling, you don't mean it.  You can't mean to break my heart after
+leading me on all these weeks?"
+
+"I never led you on!"  I cried vainly.  "I was only nice to you as I
+would have been to anyone else.  I knew you liked me; but everyone who
+is kind and attentive does not want to marry one as a matter of course.
+It would be horrid to expect it.  Lorna is my friend, and you are her
+brother, so of course--"
+
+He looked me full in the face and said slowly--
+
+"It will be difficult to believe--but if you will tell me just once
+quite simply and plainly, I will take your word, Una.  Don't protest,
+please--tell me truthfully, once for all: did you, or did you not, know
+I loved you with all my heart?"
+
+I wanted to say "No."  In a sense I could have said it truthfully
+enough, for I had no definite knowledge, but I remembered what Lorna had
+told me about the heroine in the novel; I remembered Mrs Forbes's
+wistful manner, and oh, a dozen little incidents too small to be written
+down, when Wallace's own manner had told the truth only too plainly.  He
+was staring at me, poor boy, with his wan, miserable eyes, and I could
+not tell a lie.  I began to cry in a feeble, helpless kind of way, and
+faltered out, "I--I thought you did, but I couldn't be sure.  You know I
+couldn't be sure, and it was only for a little while!  I am going home
+so soon that I didn't think it could matter."
+
+He leant forward, leaning his head on his hands.
+
+"Shall I tell you how much it matters?" he asked huskily.  "It matters
+just this, that you have spoilt my life!  There was not a happier, more
+contented fellow living than I was--before you came.  I loved my work,
+and loved my home.  I intended to succeed in my profession, and the
+future was full of interest.  I would not have changed places with any
+man on earth.  Now!" he held out his right hand and snapped his fingers
+expressively, "it is over; the zest is out of it all if you are not
+there.  If I had met you anywhere else it might have been easier, but
+you have come right into the middle of my life, and if I would I shall
+not be able to forget you.  Every morning when I come down to breakfast
+I shall look across the table and imagine you sitting facing me; I shall
+see you wherever I go--like a ghost--in every room in the house, in
+everything I do.  That is the price I have to pay for your amusement.
+You have made a fool of me, you whom I thought the type of everything
+that was true and womanly.  You knew that I loved you, but it didn't
+matter to you what I suffered.  You were going home soon--you would not
+see it.  It didn't matter!"
+
+"No, no, no!"  I cried in agony.  "It isn't true.  I am bad enough, but
+not a heartless monster.  I will tell you the whole truth.  I was
+miserable myself when I came here; ill and tired out, and sore because--
+because they didn't care for me at home as much as I wanted.  I always
+want people to like me.  I did at school--Lorna will tell you that I
+did; and when you were nice to me it cheered me up, and made me happy
+again.  I never dreamt that it was serious until a little time ago--last
+week--and even then I did not think you could possibly want to marry
+me--you were too young--you had no home--"
+
+"No, that is true.  I am no match for Miss Sackville.  I was a fool to
+forget it.  Thank you for reminding me," he interrupted bitterly.
+
+Poor boy--oh, poor boy, he looked so miserable--it made me ache to see
+his white, changed face.  He looked so handsome, too; so much more of a
+man than he had ever done before.  I looked at him and wondered why it
+was that I could not care for him as he wished.  Had I been too hasty in
+deciding that it was impossible?  He wanted me, and no one else did; and
+it would be nice to be engaged and have someone to love me best of all.
+Perhaps I should grow to love him too; I always do like people who like
+me; and Lorna would be so pleased.  She would be my real sister, and
+could come and stay with me in my own home.  I was so upset and
+miserable, so stung by Wallace's taunt about his poverty, that I was
+just in the mind to be reckless.  His hand lay limply by his side, and
+in a sudden gush of tenderness and pity I slid my arm beneath it and
+said softly, "Don't be cross with me!  I never thought for one moment if
+you were poor or rich.  That doesn't matter a bit.  If I have made you
+miserable, I am miserable too.  If you want me to be engaged to you--I
+will, and I'll try to like you.  Please, please do not look like that!
+If I promise it will be all right, and you will forgive me for being so
+thoughtless, won't you, Wallace?"
+
+He turned his head and stared at me steadily.  The anger died out of his
+face, but he looked dreadfully sad.
+
+"Poor Una," he said, "how little you understand!  Do you think I am such
+a cad as to accept such an offer as that?  I love you and want you to be
+happy, not miserable as you would certainly be if you were engaged to a
+man you had to `try to like.'  Thank you for the offer all the same.  It
+will comfort me a little to remember that at any rate you felt kindly
+towards me.  It is no use saying any more.  My dream is over, and I
+shall have to bear the awakening as well as I can.  A fellow cannot
+expect to have everything his own way.  I don't want to whine.  Shall we
+go back to the house?"
+
+"In a minute--one minute--only tell me first that you forgive me, and if
+there is nothing at all that I can do to help you, and show how
+wretchedly, wretchedly sorry I am!"
+
+"Forgive you?" he repeated sadly.  "I love you, Una.  I can forgive you,
+I expect, a good deal more easily than you will forgive yourself.  Yes,
+there is something you can do--if you ever discover that another poor
+fellow is in love with you--and you are the sort of girl whom men will
+love--remember me and spare him this experience.  Don't go on being
+`nice' to him.  That kind of niceness is the worst form of cruelty."
+
+I hung my head and could not answer.  To think that "that boy," as I had
+contemptuously called him, should have behaved in such a manly, generous
+fashion!  I felt utterly ashamed and despicable.  It was he who is a
+thousand times too good for me!
+
+
+
+CHAPTER NINETEEN.
+
+We were very silent driving home in the brougham, and I refused to go
+into Lorna's room, as I always did before going to bed, saying that I
+was too tired to talk.  She looked anxious, but did not try to persuade
+me.  I afterwards learnt that she went to Wallace instead, and sat up
+with him for the greater part of the night.
+
+I lay wide awake tossing and crying until five o'clock, when I fell
+asleep, and did not wake until nine.  Lorna did not come to see me, and,
+though I dreaded her coming, I felt miserable because she stayed away.
+Every single morning she had come into my room and hugged and kissed me,
+and we had walked down to breakfast arm-in-arm.  She must have been
+very, very angry to omit that ceremony!
+
+I took a long time to dress, for I wanted Wallace to be safely started
+on his rounds before appearing downstairs, and at last, just as I was
+feeling that I could not respectably linger another moment, the door
+opened, and there, at last, stood Lorna.
+
+She had been crying dreadfully.  I could see that at a glance, for the
+eyelids were swollen and puffy, just as they used to be the first
+morning after our return to school.  Mine were swollen, too, and we
+stood staring miserably at each other, but not approaching a step
+nearer, until at last she said coldly--
+
+"Mother sent me upstairs to ask if you would prefer to have your
+breakfast in bed.  She thought you were not up."
+
+"Oh, yes, I have been waiting.  Lorna, don't look at me like that!"  I
+cried desperately.  "I'm miserable too, and you ought not to turn
+against me--you are my friend."
+
+"Wallace is my brother," said Lorna simply.  Her lip quivered.  "I sat
+up with him until four o'clock this morning.  He has always been such a
+happy, cheerful boy.  I did not know he could be so miserable.  If you
+could have seen and heard him talk, you would have felt broken-hearted
+for him--even you!"
+
+"Even you!"  I repeated reproachfully.  "Am I a monster, Lorna, that you
+talk to me like that?  Can't you understand that I feel a hundred times
+worse than you can possibly do?  I never, never thought that when I was
+in trouble you would be the first person to turn against me."
+
+"Neither did I.  I have been too fond of you, Una.  I admired you so
+much, and was so proud of having you for my friend that I have been
+unjust to other people for your sake.  I often took your part at school
+when I knew you were in the wrong, simply because I was afraid of making
+you angry.  It was cowardly of me, and this is my reward!  Oh, Una, you
+say you are sorry, but you knew it was coming!  You are too clever not
+to have seen it long ago.  If it had been another man I should have
+spoken out, but a brother is almost like oneself, so one can't
+interfere.  But I hinted--you know I hinted, Una--and I saw by your face
+that you understood.  If you didn't care for him, why didn't you go home
+when it was first arranged?  We all took it as a good sign when you
+agreed to stay on, and Wallace was so happy about it.  Poor boy!  He
+will never be happy again.  He says he will go abroad, and father has
+been looking forward all these years to his help.  It will break his
+heart if he loses Wallace!"
+
+Everyone was broken-hearted, it seemed, and they all blamed me, and said
+it was my fault.  I felt inclined to jump out of the window, and put an
+end to it at once.  I did turn towards it, and I must have looked pretty
+desperate, for Lorna came forward quickly, and took hold of me by the
+arm.
+
+"Come down and talk to mother.  She is all alone, and she is old and
+will understand better than I do.  Oh, Una, I shall always love you!  I
+shan't be able to help it, whatever you have done.  I didn't mean to be
+unkind, but I am--so--miserable!"
+
+I gripped her hand, but couldn't speak; we were both struggling not to
+cry all the way downstairs, and I couldn't eat any breakfast; I felt as
+if I could never eat again.  Mrs Forbes came into the room just as I
+left the table, and Lorna went out at once, as if by a previous
+arrangement.  It was awful!  Mrs Forbes looked so old and ill and
+worried, and she was so kind.  I could have borne it better if she had
+been cross to me.
+
+"Sit down, dear.  Come close to the fire, your hands feel cold," she
+said, pushing me gently into an easy chair, and poking the coals into a
+blaze.  "You and I want a little talk to each other, I think, and we
+shall be quite uninterrupted here.  My poor boy has told me of his
+disappointment, but, indeed, he did not need to tell me.  I could see
+what had happened by his face.  I am very disappointed, too.  I thought
+he would have very different news to tell me, and I should have been
+very happy to welcome you as a daughter.  We have known you by name for
+so many years that you did not seem like a stranger even when you first
+arrived, and we have been very happy together these five weeks--"
+
+"Oh, very happy!  I have had a lovely time.  I shall never forget how
+happy I have been."
+
+She looked at me anxiously, her eyebrows knitted together.
+
+"Then if you have been so happy, I do not see why-- Let us speak out,
+dear, and understand each other thoroughly.  My boy and I have always
+been close friends, and if I am to be of help or comfort to him now I
+must understand how this trouble has come about.  Wallace is not
+conceited--he has a very modest estimation of his own merits, but he
+seems to have expected a different answer.  Sometimes in these affairs
+young people misunderstand each other, and little sorenesses arise,
+which a few outspoken words can smooth away.  If I could act as
+peacemaker between you two, I should be very thankful.  My children's
+happiness is my first consideration nowadays.  If there is anything I
+can do, just tell me honestly.  Speak out as you would to your own
+mother."
+
+But I had nothing to tell.  I shook my head, and faltered nervously--
+
+"No, there is nothing--we have had no quarrels.  I like Wallace very
+much, oh, very much indeed, but not--I could never--I couldn't be
+anything more than his friend."
+
+"Is there then someone else whom you care for?"
+
+There were several people, but I couldn't exactly say so to her--it
+seemed so rude.  Wallace was a nice, kind boy, but he couldn't compare
+for interest with--Jim Carstairs, for instance, dear, silent, loyal,
+patient Jim, who gives all, and asks nothing in return, or even jolly
+little Mr Nash, who is always happy and smiling, and trying to make
+other people happy.  I like them both better than Wallace, to say
+nothing of-- And then a picture rose before me of a tall, lean figure
+dressed in a tweed shooting-suit, of a sunburnt face, out of which
+looked blue eyes, which at one moment would twinkle with laughter, and
+at the next grow stern and grave and cold.  They could soften, too, and
+look wonderfully tender.  I had seen them like that just once or twice
+when he looked at me, and said, "Una!" and at the remembrance, for some
+stupid reason the blood rushed to my face, and there I sat blushing,
+blushing, blushing, until my very ears tingled with heat.
+
+I said nothing, and Mrs Forbes said nothing, but looking up at the end
+of a horrid silence, I saw that her face had entirely changed in
+expression since I had seen it last.  All the softness had left it; she
+looked the image of wounded dignity.
+
+"I understand!  There is nothing more to say, then, except that if you
+were so very sure of your own feelings, I cannot understand how it is
+that you have allowed the matter to get this length.  I am thankful to
+know that my boy's principles are strong enough to prevent his
+disappointment doing him any real harm.  It might have been very
+different with many young men.  At the best it is a hard thing for us to
+see his young life clouded, and you will understand that it is our duty
+to protect him from further suffering.  You will not think me
+inhospitable if I suggest that your visit had better come to an end at
+once."
+
+My cheeks burnt.  It was humiliation indeed to be told to go in that
+summary fashion, but I knew I deserved it, and I should have been
+thankful to leave that very moment.
+
+"I will go to-day.  There is a train at one o'clock.  I can send a
+telegram from the station, and tell mother I am coming.  I will go up-
+stairs now and pack," I cried, and she never protested a bit, but said
+quite quietly that she would order a cab to take me to the station.
+Talk about feeling small!  I simply cringed as I went out of that room.
+
+------------------------------------------------------------------------
+
+The carriage was waiting for me at the station at the end of a miserable
+journey, but no one was in it.  I had hoped that father would come to
+meet me.  I could have spoken to him, and he would have understood.
+John said he was out for the day with a shooting-party, and when I
+reached the house another disappointment awaited me, for I was met by an
+announcement that mother also had been obliged to go out to keep an
+engagement.
+
+"She hopes to be home by five o'clock," said the servant.  "Miss Vere
+and Lady Mary are in the blue sitting-room.  Mr Dudley has just come to
+call."
+
+I had forgotten that Lady Mary was staying at the house, and it made me
+feel as if I were more superfluous than ever, for Vere would not need me
+when she had her best friend at hand, and, somehow or other, Will Dudley
+was just the last person in the world I wanted to see just then.  There
+was nothing for it, however; I had to go upstairs and stand the horrible
+ordeal of being cross-questioned about my unexpected return.
+
+"Don't tell me it is an outbreak of small-pox!" cried Lady Mary,
+huddling back in her chair, and pretending to shudder at my approach.
+"That's the worst of staying in a doctor's house--you simply court
+infection!  If it's anything interesting and becoming, you may kiss me
+as usual, but if it's small-pox or mumps, I implore you to keep at the
+other end of the room!  I'm not sure that mumps wouldn't be the worse of
+the two.  I can't endure to look fat!"
+
+"Has Lorna turned out a villain in disguise?  Have you quarrelled and
+bidden each other a tragic farewell?" asked Vere laughingly.
+
+She looked thinner than ever, but her cheeks were flushed, and her eyes
+as bright as stars.  As for Will Dudley, he stared at the pattern of the
+carpet, and his eyebrows twitched in the impatient way I know so well.
+I think he saw that I was really in trouble, and was vexed with the
+girls for teasing me.
+
+"Thank you, everyone was quite well when I left.  You need not be afraid
+of infection, and Lorna is nicer than ever.  We have certainly not
+quarrelled."
+
+"Then why this thusness?" asked Lady Mary, and Vere burst into a laugh.
+
+"Scalps, Babs, scalps!  I see it all!  My mind misgave me as soon as I
+heard of the fascinating Wallace.  And was it really so serious that you
+had to fly at a moment's notice?"
+
+I simply got up and marched out of the room.  It was too much to bear.
+I sat in my own room all alone for over an hour, and hated everybody.
+Oh, I _was_ miserable!
+
+------------------------------------------------------------------------
+
+                                                                _11 PM._
+I have been thinking seriously over things, and have decided to put away
+this diary, and not write in it any more for six months or a year.  It
+will be better so, for at present I am in such a wretched, unsettled
+state of mind that what I write would not be edifying, but only painful
+to read in time to come.
+
+I've been reading over the first few pages to-night, and they seem
+written by quite a different person--a happy, self-confident, complacent
+Una, who felt perfectly satisfied of coming triumphantly through any and
+every situation.  This Una is a very crestfallen, humble-minded
+creature, who knows she has failed, and dreads failing again; but I want
+to be good, through it all I long to be good!  O dear God, who loves me,
+and understands, take pity on me, and show me the way!
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWENTY.
+
+                                                            _June 15th._
+To-day the first roses have opened in the garden, the rose-garden at the
+Moat; for we came home two months ago, and are still luxuriating in the
+old haunts and the new rooms, which are as beautiful as money and
+mother's beautiful taste can make them.  I felt a sort of rush of
+happiness as I buried my face in the cool, fragrant leaves, and, somehow
+or other, a longing came over me to unearth this old diary, and write
+the history of the year.
+
+It has been a long, long winter.  We spent three months in Bournemouth
+for Vere's sake, taking her to London to see the specialist on our way
+home.  He examined her carefully, and said that spinal troubles were
+slow affairs, that it was a great thing to keep up the general health,
+that he was glad we had been to Bournemouth, and that no doubt the
+change home would also be beneficial.  Fresh air, fresh air--live as
+much in the fresh open air as possible during the summer-- Then he
+stopped, and Vere looked at him steadily, and said--
+
+"You mean that I am worse?"
+
+"My dear young lady, you must not be despondent.  Hope on, hope ever!
+You can do more for yourself than any doctor.  These things take time.
+One never knows when the turn may come," he said, reeling off the old
+phrases which we all knew so well--oh, so drearily well--by this time.
+
+Vere closed her eyes and turned her head aside with the saddest, most
+pitiful little smile.  She has been very good on the whole, poor dear,
+during the winter--less cynical and hard in manner, though she still
+refuses to speak of her illness, and shrinks with horror from anything
+like pity.
+
+The night after that doctor's visit I heard a muffled sound from her
+room next door to mine, and crept in to see what was wrong.  She was
+sobbing to herself, great, gasping, heart-broken sobs, the sound of
+which haunt me to this day, and when I put my arms round her, instead of
+shaking me off, she clung to me with the energy of despair.
+
+"What is it, darling?"  I asked, and she panted out broken sentences.
+
+"The doctor!  I have been longing to see him; I thought I was better,
+that he would be pleased with my progress, but it's no use--I can see it
+is no use!  He has no hope.  I shall be like this all my life.  Babs,
+_think_ of it!  I am twenty-three, and I may live until I am seventy--
+upon this couch!  Oh, I shall go mad--I am going mad--I can't bear it a
+moment longer.  The last ten months have seemed like a life-time, but if
+it goes on year after year; oh, Babs, year after year until I am old--an
+old, old woman with grey hair and a wizened face, left alone, with no
+one to care for me!  Oh, yes, yes, I know what you would say, but father
+and mother will be dead, and you will be married in a home of your own,
+and Spencer very likely at the other end of the world, and--"
+
+"And Jim?"  I asked quietly.
+
+"Ah, poor Jim!  He must marry, too; it isn't fair to let him wreck his
+life.  He does love me, poor fellow, but no one else does nowadays.  Men
+don't like invalids.  They are sorry for them, and pity them.  Will
+Dudley, for instance--he only comes to see me as a charity--because I am
+ill, and need amusing--"
+
+"He is engaged to another girl, Vere.  Surely you don't want him to come
+for love?"
+
+She flushed a little, but her face set in the old defiant fashion, and
+she said obstinately--
+
+"He would have loved me if I had been well!  Rachel Greaves will never
+satisfy him.  He cares for her as a sister rather than as a wife.  If I
+were well again, and gay and bright as I used to be--"
+
+"He would care for you less than he does now.  You don't understand,
+Vere; but I am certain that Mr Dudley will never desert Rachel for
+another girl.  He may not be passionately in love with her, perhaps it
+is not his nature to be demonstrative, but he has an intense admiration
+for her character, and would rather die than disappoint her in any way."
+
+"You seem to know a great deal about it.  How can you be sure that you
+understand him better than I do?" she asked sharply, and I could only
+say in reply--
+
+"I don't know; but I _am_ sure!  I think one understands some people by
+instinct, and he and I were friends from the moment we met.  Besides, I
+know Rachel better than you do, and had more opportunity of watching her
+life at home.  I say her life, but she has practically no life of her
+own--it is entirely given up for others.  Think what she gives up, Vere!
+She could have been married years ago, and had a happy home of her own,
+but she won't leave her father, though he is so cross and disagreeable
+that most people would be thankful to get away.  She has the dullest,
+most monotonous time one can imagine, and hardly ever sees Will alone;
+but she is quite happy--not resigned, not forbearing nor any pretence
+like that, but really and truly and honestly happy.  I call it splendid!
+There are lots of people in the world who have hard things to bear, and
+who bear them bravely enough, but they are not _happy_ in doing it.
+Rachel is--that's the wonderful thing about her!"
+
+"I wonder if she could make me happy.  I wonder if she could tell me how
+to like lying here!" said poor Vere with a sob, and the idea must have
+grown in her mind, for a week after our return home she said suddenly,
+"I want to see Rachel Greaves!" and nothing would satisfy her but that
+she must be invited forthwith.
+
+Rachel came.  I had not seen her for some months, and I thought she
+looked thin and pale.
+
+As we went upstairs together our two figures were reflected in the big
+mirror on the first landing--one all grey and brown, the other all
+white, and pink, and gold.  I felt ashamed and uncomfortable at the
+contrast in our appearance, but Rachel didn't; not a bit!  She just
+looked round at me, and beamed in the sweetest way, and said--
+
+"You are more like a flower than ever, Una!  It _is_ nice to see you
+again!" and she meant it, every word.  She really is too good to live!
+
+I took her to Vere's room, and was going to leave them alone, but Vere
+called me back, and made me stay.  She said afterwards that she wanted
+me to hear what was said, so that I could remind her of anything which
+she forgot.  There was only half an hour before tea, so Vere lost no
+time in stupid trivialities.
+
+"I sent for you to come to see me, Rachel, because I wanted particularly
+to ask you a question.  I have been ill nearly a year now, and I get no
+better.  I am beginning to fear I shall never get better, but have to be
+like this all my life.  I have lain here with that thought to keep me
+company until I can bear it no longer.  I feel sometimes as if I am
+going out of my senses.  I must find something to help me, or it may
+really come to that in the end.  I keep up pretty well during the day,
+for I hate being pitied, and that keeps me from breaking down in public;
+but the nights--the long, long endless nights!  Nobody knows what I
+endure in the nights!  You are so good--everyone says you are so good--
+tell me how to bear it and not mind!  Tell me what I am to do to grow
+patient and resigned!"
+
+"Dear Vere, I have never been tried as you are.  I have had only one or
+two short illnesses in my life--I have never known the weariness and
+disappointment--"
+
+"No, but you have other trials.  You have so much to bear, and it is so
+dull and wretched for you all the time," interrupted Vere quickly, too
+much engrossed in her own affairs to realise that it was not the most
+polite thing in the world to denounce another girl's surroundings.  As
+for Rachel, she opened her eyes in purest amazement that anyone should
+imagine she needed pity.
+
+"I?  Oh, you are mistaken--quite, quite mistaken.  I have the most happy
+home.  Everyone is good and kind to me; I have no troubles, except
+seeing dear father's sufferings; and so many blessings--so much to be
+thankful for!"
+
+"You mean your engagement?  Mr Dudley is charming, and I am sure you
+are fond of him, but you can't be married while your father lives, and--
+and--one never knows what may happen.  Suppose--changes came--"
+
+Vere stopped short in the middle of her sentence, and, by a curious
+impulse, Rachel turned suddenly and looked at me.  Our eyes met, and the
+expression in hers--the piteous, shrinking look--made me rush hotly into
+the breach.
+
+"You are talking nonsense, Vere!  You don't know Mr Dudley as Rachel
+does.  You don't understand his character."
+
+"No," said Rachel proudly, "you don't understand.  It is quite possible
+that we may never marry--many things might happen to prevent that, but
+Will would never do anything that was mean and unworthy.  The changes,
+whatever they were, could not affect my love for him, and it is that
+that makes my happiness--"
+
+"Loving him!  Not his loving you!  Rachel, are you sure?"
+
+"Oh, quite sure.  Think just for a moment, and you will see that it must
+be so.  It is pleasant to be loved, but if you do not love in return you
+must still feel lonely and dissatisfied at heart.  If you love, you care
+so much, so very, very much for the other's welfare, that there is
+simply no time left to remember yourself; or, if you did, what does it
+matter?  What would anything matter so long as he were well and happy?"
+
+Her face glowed with earnestness and enthusiasm--what a contrast from
+Vere's fretful, restless expression, which always seems asking for
+something more, something she has not got, something she cannot even
+understand.  Even Vere realised the difference, and her fingers closed
+over Rachel's hand with an eloquent pressure.  Vere never does things by
+halves, and even her apologies are graceful and pretty.
+
+"Ah, Rachel," she said, "I see how foolish I was to expect you to answer
+my question in a few short words.  We speak different languages, you and
+I, and I can't even understand your meaning.  I wish I could, Rachel--I
+wish I could!  The old life is out of reach, and there is nothing left
+to take its place.  Can't you teach me your secret to help me along?"
+
+Rachel flushed all over her face and neck.  Now that she was asked a
+direct question she was obliged to answer, but her voice was very shy
+and quiet, as if the subject were almost too sacred to be discussed.
+
+"I think the secret lies in the way we look at life--whether we want our
+own way, or are content to accept what God sends.  If we love and trust
+Him, we know that what He chooses must be best, and with that knowledge
+comes rest, and the end of the struggle--"
+
+"Ah," sighed Vere, "but it's not the end with me!  I believe it, too,
+with my head, but when the pain comes on, and the sleepless nights, and
+the unbearable restlessness that is worst of all--I forget!  I can't
+rest, I _can't_ trust, it is all blackness and darkness.  I must be very
+wicked, for even when I try hardest I fail."
+
+"Dear Vere," said Rachel softly, "don't be too hard on yourself!  When
+people are tired and worn with suffering they are not responsible for
+all they say and do.  I know that with my own dear father.  When he is
+cross and unreasonable we are not angry, we understand and pity, and try
+to comfort him, and if we feel like that, poor imperfect creatures as we
+are, what must God be, Who is the very heart of love!  He is your
+kindest judge, dear, for He knows how hard it is to bear."
+
+"Thank you!" whispered Vere brokenly.  She put her hand up to her face,
+and I could see her tremble.  She could not bear any more agitation just
+then, so I signalled to Rachel, and we gradually turned the conversation
+to ordinary topics.
+
+Eventually Will arrived, and we had tea and some rather strained small
+talk, for Vere was quiet and absent-minded, and somehow or other Will
+rarely speaks to me directly nowadays.  He is always perfectly nice and
+polite, but he does avoid me.  I don't think he likes me half as much as
+he did at first.
+
+How suddenly things happen in life!  At the moment when you expect it
+least, the scene changes, and the whole future is changed.  As we were
+sipping our tea and eating cakes, Burrows, the parlourmaid, opened the
+door, and announced in her usual expressionless voice--
+
+"If you please, marm, a messenger has come to request Miss Greaves to
+return home at once.  Mr Greaves has had a sudden stroke--"
+
+We all stood up quickly, all save poor Vere, who has to be still
+whatever happens.  Rachel turned very white, and Will went up to her,
+and took her hand in his.  He looked at me, and I guessed what he meant,
+and said quickly--
+
+"The motor-car!  It shall come round at once, and you will be home in
+five minutes.  I'll go round to the stables!"
+
+I rushed off, thankful to be able to help, and to put off thinking as
+long as possible, but even as I ran the thought flew through my head.  A
+stroke!  That was serious--very serious in Mr Greaves's weakened
+condition.  I could tell from Burrows' manner that the message had been
+urgent.  Perhaps even now the end of the long suffering _was_ at hand--
+the end of something else, too; of what had seemed an hour ago a
+practically hopeless engagement!
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWENTY ONE.
+
+                                                          _August 12th._
+It is a long time since I opened this diary, for I have grown out of the
+habit of writing, and it is difficult to get into it again.
+
+Mr Greaves died the very night of his seizure, and immediately after
+his funeral Mrs Greaves collapsed and has been an invalid ever since.
+It seemed as if she had kept up to the very limit of her endurance, for
+as soon as the strain was over her nerves gave way in a rush, and
+instead of the gentle, self-controlled creature which she has been all
+her life, she is now just a bundle of fancies, tears and repinings.  It
+is hard on Rachel, but she bears it like an angel, and is always patient
+and amiable.  I wondered at first if she and Will would marry soon and
+take Mrs Greaves to live with them; I asked Rachel about it one day
+when we were having a quiet chat, and she answered quite openly:
+
+"Will wished it.  He thought he could help me to cheer mother, but she
+won't hear of it for the next twelve months at least, and, of course, I
+must do as she prefers.  We have waited so long that another year cannot
+make much difference."
+
+I wondered if Will were of the same opinion, but did not dare to ask
+him.  As I said before, he avoids me nowadays and does not seem to care
+to talk to me alone.  Perhaps it is better so, but I can't help being
+sorry.  I have wondered sometimes if the dull, aching feeling which I
+have when he passes me by is anything like what poor Wallace Forbes felt
+about me.  If it is, I am even more sorry for Wallace than before.  Of
+course, I am not in love with Will--I couldn't be, for he is engaged to
+Rachel, and I have known it from the first, but I can't help thinking
+about him, and watching for him, and feeling happy if he comes, and
+wretched if he stays away.  And I know his face by heart and just how it
+looks on every occasion.  His eyes don't twinkle nearly so much as they
+did; he is graver altogether, except sometimes when I have a mad mood
+and set myself to make him frisky too.  I can always succeed, but I
+don't try often, for I fancy Rachel doesn't like it.  She can't frisk
+herself, poor dear, and it must feel horrid to feel left out in the cold
+by your very own _fiance_.  I should hate it myself.
+
+At the beginning of this month I had a great treat.  Lorna came to stay
+with me for three days.  She was visiting a friend twenty miles off, and
+came here in the middle of her visit just for that short time, so that
+there need be no necessity for Wallace to know anything about it.  Of
+course, she came with her parents' consent and approval, and oh, how
+thankful I was to see her and to look upon her coming as a sign that
+they were beginning to forgive me.  Of course we talked shoals about
+Wallace, for I just longed to know how he was faring.
+
+"My dear, it was awful after you left--positively awful!"  Lorna said.
+"Wallace went about looking like a ghost, and mother cried, and father
+was worried to death.  Wallace declared at first that he would go
+abroad, but father told him that it was cowardly to throw up his work
+for the sake of a disappointment, however bitter, and mother asked if he
+really cared so little for his parents that he could forsake them in
+their old age for the sake of a girl whom he had only known a month.  He
+gave way at last, as I knew he would, and set to work harder than ever.
+He was very brave, poor old boy, and never broke down nor made any fuss,
+but he was so silent!  You would not have known him.  He never seemed to
+laugh, nor to joke, nor take any interest in what was going on, and the
+whole winter long he never once entered my little den, where we had had
+such happy times.  I suppose it reminded him too much of you.  This
+spring, however, he has been brighter.  I insisted on his taking me to
+the tennis club as usual, and though he went at first for my sake he
+enjoys it now for his own.  We meet so many friends, and he can't help
+being happy out in the sunshine with a lot of happy boys and girls all
+round.  He was quite keen about the tournament, and had such a pretty
+partner.  He always walked home with her after the matches."
+
+"How nice!"  I said, and tried to be pleased and relieved, and succeeded
+only in feeling irritated and rubbed the wrong way.  How mean it sounds!
+How selfish, and small, and contemptible!  I just intend to _make_
+myself feel glad, and to hope that Wallace may see more and more of that
+pretty girl, and like her far better than me, and be right down thankful
+that I refused him.  So now, Una Sackville, you know what is expected of
+you!
+
+Vere liked Lorna, and was amused to see us frisking about together.  The
+afternoon before Lorna left we were chasing each other round the room in
+some mad freak when, turning towards Vere's couch, I thought I saw her
+head raised an inch or so from the pillow in her effort to follow our
+movements.  My heart gave a great thud of excitement, but I couldn't be
+sure, so I took no notice, but took care to retire still further into
+the corner.  Then I looked round again, and, yes! it was perfectly true,
+her head was a good three inches from the couch, and she was smiling all
+the time, evidently quite free from pain.
+
+"Oh, Vere!"  I cried; "oh, darling, darling Vere!" and suddenly the
+tears rolled down my cheeks, and I trembled so that I could hardly
+stand.  Lorna could not think what had happened, neither could Vere
+herself, and I tried hard to calm myself so as not to excite her too
+much.
+
+"You raised your head, Vere!  Oh, ever so high you raised it!  You were
+watching us, and forgot all about yourself, and it didn't hurt you a
+bit--you smiled all the time.  Try again if you don't believe me--try,
+darling.  You can do it, if you like!"
+
+Her breath came short with nervousness and agitation, but she clenched
+her hands and with a sudden effort her head and neck lifted themselves
+one, two, a good three or four inches from their support.  Oh, her face!
+The sight of it at that moment was almost enough to make up for those
+long months of anxiety.  It was illuminated; it shone!  All the weary
+lines and hollows disappeared, the colour rushed to her cheeks; it was
+the old, lovely, radiant Vere, whom we had thought never to see again.
+
+I can't describe what we did next.  Mother came in and cried, father
+came in and clapped his hands, and asked mother what on earth she meant
+by crying, while the tears were rolling down his own dear old nose in
+the most barefaced manner all the time.  I danced about the house and
+kissed everyone I met, and the servants cried and laughed, and the old
+family doctor was sent for and came in beaming and rubbing his hands
+with delight.  He said it was a wonderful improvement, and the best
+possible augury of complete recovery, and that now the first step had
+been taken we could look forward to continuous improvement.
+
+Oh, how happy we were!  I don't think any of us slept much that night;
+we just lay awake and thanked God, and gloated over the glad news.  All
+the next day Vere's face shone with the same wonderful incredulous joy.
+Hope had been very nearly dead for the last few months, and the sudden
+change from despair to practical certainty was too great to realise.  It
+seemed as if she did not know how to be thankful enough.  She said to me
+once--
+
+"I am going to get well, Babs, but I must never forget this experience!
+As long as I live I shall keep this couch in my bedroom, and when I have
+been selfish and worldly I shall lay down straight on my back as I have
+done all these months and stay there for an hour or two, just to make
+myself remember how much I have been spared, and how humble I ought to
+be.  And if you ever see me forgetting and going back to the old
+thoughtless ways, you must remind me, Babs; you must speak straight out
+and stop me in time.  I want to look back on this illness and feel that
+it has been the turning-point in my life."
+
+Later on the same day she said suddenly--
+
+"I want Jim!  Please send for Jim."  And when he came, rushing on the
+wings of the express next day, she was so sweet and kind to him that the
+poor fellow did not know whether he was standing on his head or his
+heels.
+
+It was characteristic of Jim that when recovery seemed certain he should
+say no more about his own hopes.  He had been anxious enough to offer
+his love in the dark days of uncertainty, and all the year long a day
+had never passed without bringing Vere some sign of his remembrance--a
+letter, or a book, or a magazine, or flowers, or scent, or chocolates.
+The second post never once came in without bringing a message of love
+and cheer.  He came down to see us, too, once a month at least, and
+sometimes got very little thanks for his pains, but that made no
+difference to his devotion.  Now for the first time he was silent and
+said not one word of love.
+
+Vere told me all about it afterwards, not the nice private little bits,
+of course, but a general outline of the scene between them, and I could
+imagine how pretty it must have been.  Vere is bewitching when she is
+saucy, and it is, oh, so good to see her saucy again!
+
+"There sat Jim like a monument of propriety," she said, dimpling with
+amusement at the remembrance, "and do what I would I could not get him
+on to personal topics.  I gave him half a dozen leads, but the wretch
+always drifted on to the weather, or politics, or books, and I could not
+corner him.  Then at last I said mournfully, `Haven't you brought me a
+_cadeau_, Jim?  I looked forward to a _cadeau_.  Is there nothing you
+want to give me?'  He apologised profusely, said there had been no time
+before catching the train, but if there was anything at all that I
+fancied when he went back to town he would be only too charmed.  I
+looked down and twiddled my fingers, and said bashfully, `Well, Jim, I
+should like--a ring--!'"
+
+Dear old Jim!  Dear old loyal, faithful Jim!  How I should have loved to
+see his face at that moment!
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWENTY TWO.
+
+                                                        _September 5th._
+Every day Vere seems to improve.  It is simply wonderful how she has
+bounded ahead after the first start.  Hope and happiness have a great
+deal to do with it, the doctor says, and the expectation of being
+better, which has taken the place of the old despair.  She looks
+deliciously happy, and satisfied, and at rest, while as for Jim--he is
+ten years younger at the very least, and can hardly believe that his
+good fortune is true, and not a dream.
+
+Needless to say he bought the ring at once--such a beauty!  A great big
+pearl surrounded with diamonds.  I mean to have the twin of it when I am
+engaged myself.  Vere wears it hung on a chain round her neck for the
+present, but as soon as she can walk it is to go on her finger, and the
+engagement will be announced.  She has been propped up on her couch
+higher and higher every day, and yesterday she actually sat on a chair
+for half an hour, and felt none the worse.
+
+We are all so happy that we don't know what to do--at least, I am
+miserable enough sometimes when I am alone, and begin thinking of
+myself.  When Vere marries and goes away I shall be horribly dull, and
+when Rachel marries I wonder where they will live--the Dudleys, I mean!
+_The Dudleys_!  Will is heir to an old bachelor uncle who has a place in
+the North.  That's the reason why he is learning to be an agent here, so
+that he may know how to manage his own land when he gets it.  I think,
+on the whole, I would rather he and Rachel went quite away, but how flat
+and uninteresting everything would be!  I shall have to go about with
+father more than ever, but we shall never meet Will striding about in
+his tweed suit and deerstalker cap; he will never join us any more and
+have nice long talks.  Oh, dear!  Why do people want to marry other
+people in this world?  Why can't they all go on as they are, being
+friends and having a good time together?  Captain Grantly married Lady
+Mary at Easter, and I suppose Wallace will marry the pretty girl next,
+and Lorna will write to say she is engaged, and can't be bothered with
+me any more.
+
+I shall never marry.  I could never induce myself to accept a second-
+best as Vere has done.  That sounds horrid, and, of course, she declares
+now that she never cared for another man, but I know better!  She was in
+love with Will at one time, but she knew it was hopeless, and Jim's
+devotion during all those weary months was enough to melt a heart of
+stone.
+
+Vere wished Rachel to be told of her engagement at once, and despatched
+me to the Grange to carry the news, and, as Will Dudley happened to be
+there at the time, he was really obliged to walk home with me, so far,
+at least, as our paths lay together.  It was the first time we had been
+really alone for an age, and we were both rather silent for the first
+part of the walk.  Then we began talking of the engagement, and got on
+better.  Will had been a little uncertain in his congratulations, and he
+explained why.
+
+"Carstairs is a splendid fellow.  I admire him immensely, and there is
+no doubt about his feelings.  He has adored your sister for years, but--
+she never appeared to me to appreciate his devotion!"
+
+I smiled to myself, recalling Vere's rhapsodies of an hour ago.
+
+"By her own account she has never thought of anyone else, nor cared for
+anyone else, nor wished for anyone else, but has adored him all the time
+she was snubbing him and flirting with other men.  Curious, isn't it?
+The funny part of it is she really and truly believes that it is true."
+
+"For the moment--yes.  I can understand that.  She is altogether in a
+highly nervous, exalted condition, and feels that the first act of
+convalescence ought to be to reward his long waiting.  My only fear is
+that when she gets back to a normal condition she may realise that what
+she feels is more gratitude and affection than love."
+
+"I don't think so, and you wouldn't either if you saw them together.  I
+detest lovers as a rule, they are so dull and self-engrossed; but it is
+pretty to watch Vere and Jim.  She is so saucy and domineering, and he
+is so blissfully happy to be bullied.  Oh, yes, I am sure it is all
+right!  I am sure they will be happy."
+
+"God grant it!" he said solemnly.  "Everything depends upon the truth of
+their feelings for each other.  If that is right, nothing else will have
+power to hurt them seriously.  If it is not--" He broke off, looking so
+serious that I felt frightened, and said nervously:
+
+"But, surely--even at the worst, gratitude and affection would be a good
+foundation!"
+
+"For everything else, but not for marriage.  It is a ghastly mistake to
+imagine that they can ever take the place of love.  Never fall into that
+error, Babs, however much you may be tempted.  Never let any impulse of
+gratitude or pity induce you to promise to marry a man if you have no
+warmer feeling.  It would be the most cruel thing you could do, not only
+for yourself, but for him!"
+
+"I have fallen into it once already, but he would not have me," I said,
+recalling my hasty speech to Wallace Forbes, and at that Will's face lit
+up with sudden animation, and he cried eagerly:
+
+"Was that the explanation?  I guessed, of course, that something had
+happened while you were away last autumn.  You remember I was calling on
+your sister at the time of your unexpected return, and you have never
+been quite the same since?  Whatever happened then has changed you from
+a girl into a woman."
+
+I sighed, as I always did when I recalled that miserable incident.
+
+"I am glad you think so.  I want to be changed.  Please don't think me
+the heroine of an interesting romance.  I was a selfish wretch, and
+amused myself by flirting without thinking of anything but my own
+amusement.  I was very down on my luck just then, and had got it into my
+head that no one cared for me, and when--he--_did_, it cheered and
+soothed my feelings, so I let things drift until it was too late.  Do
+you despise me altogether, or can you understand that, bad as it was, it
+wasn't so hopelessly bad as it sounds?"
+
+"I understand better than you think, perhaps.  And you repented in
+sackcloth and ashes, and were ready to make a sacrifice of yourself by
+way of reparation?  Thank heaven he was man enough to refuse that offer!
+Whatever happens to the rest of us, you, at least, must be happy.  You
+were meant for happiness, and must not throw it aside.  I shall probably
+leave this place soon, and we may seldom meet in the future, but I
+should like to think of you in the sunshine.  Promise me to be happy,
+Babs!  Promise me that you will be happy!"
+
+He turned towards me with a violence of voice and manner so unlike his
+usual composed, half-quizzical manner, that I was quite aghast, and did
+not know how to reply.  For the first time a doubt of his own happiness
+sprang into my mind, and once there it seemed to grow bigger and bigger
+with every moment that passed.  He did not speak like a happy man; he
+did not look like a man whose heart was at rest.  Looking at him
+closely, I saw a network of lines about his mouth, which I had never
+noticed before; his eyes looked tired and sunken.  He has changed since
+I saw him first a year ago, and yet there seems nothing to account for
+it, for his circumstances are all the same.  Is he depressed because
+Rachel still puts off their marriage?  Oh, if I were in her place I
+could not endure to see him looking ill and sad, and still leave him
+alone!  Nothing should keep me away!  I'd jump over the moon to get to
+his side!
+
+We stood still in the middle of the quiet path and stared at each other.
+I don't know what he was thinking, but my own thoughts made me blush
+and change the subject hurriedly.
+
+"Oh, I mean to be happy!  I have had so much anxiety and trouble this
+last year that I'm just bubbling over with pent-up spirits.  This
+engagement has put the finishing touch to my self-control, and I must do
+something at once to let off steam.  Did you hear me ask Rachel to go
+over to Farnham with us to-morrow?  Father and mother and I are going to
+do it in record time in the new motor, and Rachel is coming, too.  She
+has never been in a motor, and is eager to see what it is like.  It's
+quite a triumph to get her to accept an invitation, isn't it?  You can
+come, too, if you like; there's room for another, and the more the
+merrier.  Do come, and let us all be happy together!  We could have such
+a merry day!"
+
+He hesitated for a moment, then laughed in a sort of reckless way, and
+cried loudly:
+
+"Yes, let us be happy!  It is only for one day.  Let us throw care to
+the winds, and think of nothing but our own enjoyment.  Oh, yes, I'll
+come!  We will have a happy day, Babs--a happy day together!"
+
+So now it is all arranged, and I am longing for the time to come.  We
+three will sit together on the back seat and talk all the time, and, as
+Will says, I shall just forget everything in the world I don't care to
+remember, and enjoy every minute of the time.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWENTY THREE.
+
+                                                 _September 6th, 11 PM._
+Here I am back in my own room; at least, I suppose it is me.  I have
+been staring at myself in the glass, and I look much the same.  No one
+who didn't know would guess what had happened to me during the last few
+hours, and that to myself I feel all new and strange--a Una Sackville
+who was never really alive until to-day.
+
+I ought to be desperately miserable, and I am, but I am happy, too; half
+the time I am so happy that I forget all about the past and the future,
+and remember only the present.  To-morrow morning, I suppose, I shall
+begin worrying and fighting against fate, but for to-night I am
+content--so utterly, perfectly content that there is no room to want
+anything more.  I'll begin at the beginning, and tell it straight
+through to the end.
+
+We started off for our ride at twelve o'clock this morning in the
+highest of spirits, for the sun was shining, the sky was a deep
+cloudless blue, and, better than all, Vere had taken her first walk
+across the floor, supported by father on one side, and Jim on the other,
+and had managed far better than any of us had expected.  She and Jim had
+arranged to have lunch together in the garden, and she waved her hand to
+us at parting, and cried airily:
+
+"Perhaps I may stroll down to the Lodge to meet you on your return!"
+
+Father and mother looked at one another when they were outside the door,
+so happy, poor dears, that they hardly knew whether to laugh or to cry,
+and then out we went into the sunshine, where the motor was throbbing
+and bumping as if it were impatient to be off.  When I invent a motor
+I'll make one that can be quiet when it stands.  I'm not a bit nervous
+when once we are started, but I hate it while we are waiting, and the
+stupid thing behaves as if it were going to blow up every moment.
+
+Rachel was waiting for us, and flushed to the loveliest pink when Will
+appeared and she discovered that he was to be one of the party.  Father,
+mother and the chauffeur sat on the front seat, Rachel and I on the one
+behind, with Will in the middle, and the luncheon-baskets were packed
+away behind.  I had a mad turn, and was quite "fey," as the Scotch say.
+I kept them laughing the whole time, and was quite surprised at my own
+wit.  It seemed as if someone else was talking through my lips, for I
+said the things almost before I thought of them.
+
+We rushed along through beautiful country lanes, through dear, sleepy
+little villages, and along the banks of the river.  The motor behaved
+beautifully, and neither smelt nor shook; it was quite intoxicating to
+fly through the air without any feeling of exertion, and Rachel herself
+grew almost frisky in time.
+
+At two o'clock we camped out, and had a delicious luncheon; then off we
+started again, to take a further circuit of the country, and have tea at
+a quaint old inn on the way home.  All went well until about four
+o'clock, when we began to descend a long, steep hill leading to a
+riverside village.  Father told the chauffeur to take it as slowly as
+possible, but we had not covered a quarter of the way when--something
+happened!  Suddenly, without the slightest warning, the machine seemed
+to leap forward like an arrow from a bow, and rush down the hill, more
+and more quickly with every second that passed.  We all called out in
+alarm, and the chauffeur turned a bleached face to father, and said
+shakily:
+
+"It's gone, sir!  The brake has gone.  I can't hold her!"
+
+"Gone?  Broken?  Are you sure--perfectly sure?"
+
+"Quite sure, sir.  What shall I do?  Run through the village and chance
+the river, or turn up the bank?"
+
+We knew the village--one long, narrow street crowded with excursionists,
+with vehicles of all descriptions, with little children playing about.
+At the end the road gave a sharp turn close to the water's edge.  On the
+other hand the bank was high and steep, and in some places covered with
+flints.
+
+Father looked round, and his face whitened, but he said firmly:
+
+"We will not risk other lives besides our own.  If that is the choice,
+run her up the bank, Johnson!"
+
+"Right, sir!" said the chauffeur.
+
+It all happened in a moment, but it seemed like hours and hours.  The
+machine shook and quivered, and turned unwillingly to the side.  The
+bank seemed to rush at us--to grow steeper and steeper; to tower above
+our heads like a mountain.  My heart seemed to stop beating; a far-away
+voice said clearly in my brain, "_This is death_!" and a great wave of
+despair rolled over me.  I turned instinctively towards Will, and at the
+same moment he turned towards me, and his eyes were bright and shining.
+
+"Una, Una!" he cried, and his arms opened wide and clasped me in a
+tight, protecting embrace.  There was a crash and a roar, a feeling of
+mounting upwards to the skies, and then--darkness!
+
+------------------------------------------------------------------------
+
+The next thing was waking up feeling heavy and dazed, staring stupidly
+at my coat-sleeve, and wondering what it was, and how I came to be
+wearing such an extraordinary night-gown.  Then I tried to move the arm,
+and it was heavy and painful; and suddenly I remembered!  I was not dead
+at all, not even, it appeared, seriously hurt.  But the others?  I sat
+up and glanced fearfully around.  The motor lay half-way up the bank, a
+shattered mass.  Father was on his knees beside mother, who was moaning
+in a low, unconscious fashion.  Will was slowly scrambling to his feet,
+holding one hand to his back.  Rachel lay white and still as death, but
+her eyes were open, and she was evidently fully conscious.  The
+chauffeur was dreadful to look at, with the blood pouring from his head,
+but he, too, moaned, and moved his limbs.  Nobody was dead!  It was
+almost too wonderful to be believed.  I dragged myself across to mother,
+and she opened her eyes and smiled faintly at the sight of our anxious
+faces.  Her dear hands were terribly cut; she winced with pain as she
+sat up, and was evidently badly bruised, but it was such bliss to see
+her move and hear her speak that these seemed but light things.  Father
+rushed to the motor, managed to extricate a flask from the scattered
+contents, and went round administering doses of brandy to us all in
+turns.  He had ricked his knee, and hobbled about like an old man.  Will
+had a bad pain in his back, and a cut on his forehead.  My left arm was
+useless.  Rachel seemed utterly stunned, and unable to speak or move,
+and the poor chauffeur was unconscious, having fallen on his head on a
+mass of flints.
+
+By this time the accident had become known, and the village people came
+trooping up the hill, bringing stretchers with them, for, as they
+afterwards explained, they expected to find us all dead.  The chauffeur
+and Rachel were carried in front, but the rest of us preferred to hobble
+along on our own feet, mother leaning on father's arm, Will and I, one
+on each side, never once glancing in the other's face.  It was awful to
+be alive, and to remember that last moment when we had forgotten
+everything in the world but our two selves.  I felt like a murderess
+when I looked at Rachel's still face, and hated myself for what I had
+done.  Yet how could I help it?  When you face death at the distance of
+a few seconds, all pretence dies away, and you act unconsciously as the
+heart dictates.  I wanted Will--and--_Will wanted me_!  Oh, it is
+wonderful, wonderful to think of!  All these months when he has avoided
+me, and I thought he liked me less, has he really been loving me, and
+trying to get over it in loyalty to poor, dear Rachel?  And was that
+what it meant when he called me "Una!" and his voice lingered over the
+word?
+
+Looking back now, I can understand lots of things which puzzled and
+worried me at the time.  I think he began to love me almost at the very
+first, as I did him.  But oh, Rachel, Rachel--dear, sweet, unselfish
+Rachel!  I'd rather die than steal your happiness from you!  Did she
+hear, I wonder?  Did she _see_?  Father and mother were too much
+engrossed in themselves to know anything about it--perhaps she, too, was
+too excited to notice.  Yet, surely in that awful moment she would turn
+to Will for comfort, and when she saw him absorbed in me, forgetting her
+very existence, she must understand.  Oh, she must!
+
+I was terrified to meet her eyes when at last we reached the parlour of
+the inn, and the doctor came to attend to us all in turns.  She was
+lying on the sofa, and when I made myself go over to speak to her, my
+heart gave a great throb of thankfulness, for she smiled at me, very
+feebly, but as sweetly as ever, and pressed my hand between hers.  She
+shook her head when I asked her a question, and seemed as if she could
+not bear to talk.  The doctor was puzzled by her condition; he could
+find no real injuries, but said she was evidently suffering from shock,
+and must be kept as quiet as possible until she recovered her nerve.  We
+were sponged, bandaged, plastered, and fortified with tea, and a
+wretched livid-looking party we were!  No one could possibly have
+recognised us as the same people who had set out so gaily four hours
+before.
+
+The doctor was anxious that we should telegraph home, and spend the
+night at the inn, but we had two more invalids to consider--Mrs Greaves
+and Vere, neither of whom were fit to be left alone in suspense, so we
+chartered a big covered omnibus, borrowed dozens of pillows and
+cushions, and set out to drive the remaining ten miles, leaving the
+chauffeur to be taken to the village hospital.  Mother, Rachel and I lay
+full length along the seats, the two men banked themselves up with
+pillows, and endured the shaking as best they could, and so at last we
+reached our separate homes.  I have been sitting here by my desk
+thinking, thinking, thinking for over an hour, and it all comes to the
+same thing.
+
+I have made one man unhappy through my selfish vanity; I will not ruin a
+woman's life into the bargain.  Rachel is my friend, and I will be truly
+and utterly loyal to her.  So far my conscience is clear of offence
+where she is concerned, for if I have loved Will it has been
+unconsciously, and without realising what I was doing.  I have never,
+never tried to attract him nor take him from her in any way.  I have
+looked upon him as much out of my reach as if he had been a married man,
+but after this things will be different.  I know the danger that is
+before us both, and shall have to watch myself sternly every minute of
+the time.
+
+I suppose I shall be an old maid now, for I can't imagine caring for
+anyone after Will.  Father and mother will be glad, and I'll try to be a
+comfort to them, but it will be dreadful getting old, and ugly, and
+tired and ill, and never having a real home of my own, and someone to
+like me _best_.  Preachey people would say that it is wrong of me to
+want to be first, and that I should be quite content to take a lower
+place, but I can't think that can be true where love is concerned, else
+why did God put this longing in women's hearts?  Anyway, I've found out
+that love--the _best_ kind of love--is His gift, and if it comes to me
+at all it shall _be_ as His gift.  I won't steal it!  Poor, darling,
+unselfish Rachel, for your sake I must guard my thoughts as well as my
+deeds.
+
+I think perhaps I'd better not write any more in this diary for a time.
+It would be difficult to write of just ordinary things without referring
+to the one great subject, and that is just what I must not do.  My
+business is to forget, not to remember.  I must not allow myself to
+think!
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR.
+
+                                                          _January 1st._
+I must begin to write again in my poor, neglected diary, for things are
+happening so fast that if I do not keep a record of them as they pass I
+shall forget half that I want to remember.
+
+The last entry was written on the evening after the motor accident,
+nearly four months ago, so I must go back to that day and tell what
+happened in the interval.
+
+We were all invalided more or less for a few weeks, but providentially
+there were no serious developments; even the poor chauffeur recovered
+and seemed as well as ever.  Rachel was the longest in gaining strength,
+and the doctor was worried about her, for she seemed listless and
+uninterested in what was going on, so different from her usual happy
+self.  He said she had evidently had a severe nervous shock, and that
+that sort of thing was often more difficult to overcome than more
+tangible injuries.  A nurse came down from London to look after her and
+her mother, and finally they went off to Bournemouth, where they intend
+to remain until the worst of the winter is over.
+
+I was relieved to feel convinced that Rachel knew nothing of what had
+occurred at that last dreadful moment, for her ignorance seemed proved
+by the fact that she was absolutely the same in manner both to Will and
+myself! in fact, if anything, I think she was more affectionate to me
+than she had ever been before.  I _was_ thankful!  It would have been
+dreadful to feel that we had any part in bringing about her illness.  As
+for Will, I kept carefully out of his way, and hoped we need never,
+never refer to what had passed; but he evidently felt differently, and
+one day when he knew where I was bound he deliberately waylaid me and
+had it out.  I never lifted my eyes from the ground, so I don't know how
+he looked, but his voice told plainly enough how agitated he was
+feeling.
+
+"There is something I have to say, and the sooner it is said the better
+for both of us," he began.  "I owe you an explanation for what
+occurred--that day.  I should like you to understand that I hardly knew
+what I was about.  It seemed as if it might be the last moment of life,
+and I turned instinctively to you.  Otherwise I would never, never--"
+
+"Oh, I know!"  I cried brokenly.  "I understand it all, and if there is
+any blame it is mine as much as yours, for I forgot, too.  We must never
+refer to it again, and we had better see each other as seldom as
+possible.  It will be easier that way."
+
+He was silent for a moment or two, then he sighed heavily and said:
+
+"It will not be easy any way, Una, but it must be done.  I can't blame
+myself altogether for what has happened.  Our hearts are not always in
+our own keeping, and mine went out to you from the first.  I did not
+realise it for a time, but when I did, I did not trifle with temptation.
+I kept out of your way, as you must have noticed.  All last winter I
+fought a hard fight.  It would have been harder still if I had guessed
+that--you cared!  The trouble began in mistaking friendship for love,
+but until I met you I was quite content.  I had no idea that anything
+was lacking."
+
+"And you will be happy again.  Rachel is better than I am in every
+possible way, and is more worthy of you.  I am a selfish, discontented
+wretch.  If you knew what I was really like, you would wonder how you
+could ever have cared for me at all, and when you leave this place it
+will be easy to forget--"
+
+"I shall never forget," he said shortly.  "Una, I must tell you all that
+is in my mind.  I believe in honesty in love as in all other matters,
+and if circumstances were different I should go straight to Rachel and
+tell her.  How, unconsciously to myself, my heart had gone out to you,
+and that in that supreme moment we turned instinctively to each other,
+and I knew that my love was returned, and I would ask her for my
+liberty.  In nine out of ten cases I am sure that would be the right
+thing to do, but--this is the tenth!  Rachel has had years of trouble
+and anxiety, and now her own health is broken.  I could not put another
+burden upon her.  Through these last days of misery and uncertainty what
+has comforted me most has been to realise that she has no idea of what
+happened.  She must have been taken up with her own thoughts--praying,
+no doubt, for our safety, not her own.  Rachel never thinks of herself,
+so I must think for her.  With her father gone, her mother invalided,
+she has no one left but me, and I can't desert her."
+
+"I should hate you if you did!"  I cried eagerly.  "I, too, have been
+thankful that she knows nothing, and she must never know, you must never
+let her guess.  There could be no happiness for us if we broke her
+heart.  You used to call her the best woman in the world, and she is so
+sweet and gentle that you could not possibly live with her and remain
+unhappy.  In years to come you will be thankful it has happened like
+this."
+
+"In any case it is the right thing to do," he said, sighing.  "As you
+say, we should only suffer if we thought of ourselves first.  If one
+tries to grasp happiness at the expense of another's suffering it only
+collapses like a bubble, and leaves one more wretched than before.  You
+and I are not unprincipled, Una, though we did forget ourselves for that
+one moment, and the remembrance of Rachel would poison everything.
+Perhaps, after all, it is as well that we know our danger, for we shall
+be more careful to keep out of temptation.  I shall try to persuade her
+to marry me as soon as possible, and after that we shall live near my
+uncle.  I shall have a busy, active life, and, as you say, one of the
+sweetest women in the world for my wife.  She has been faithful to me
+for so many years that I should be a scoundrel if I did not make her
+happy."
+
+I did not say anything--I couldn't!  I seemed to see it all stretched
+out before me--Will being married, and going to live far, far away, and
+settling down with his wife and children, and forgetting that there was
+a Una in the world.  I tried to be glad at the thought; I tried _hard_,
+but I was just one big ache, and my heart felt as if it would burst.
+Honestly and truly, if by lifting up a little finger at that moment I
+could have hindered their happiness, nothing would have induced me to do
+it, but it is difficult to do right _cheerfully_.
+
+We stood silently for a long time, until Will said brokenly: "And what
+will--you do, Una?"
+
+"Oh, I shall do nothing.  I shall stay at home--like the little pig," I
+said, trying to laugh, and succeeding very badly.  "I shall help Vere
+with her marriage preparations, and visit her in her new home, and take
+care of the parents in their old age.  Father says there ought always to
+be one unmarried woman in every family to play Aunt Mary in time of
+need.  I shall be the Sackville Aunt Mary."
+
+He turned and walked up and down the path.  I stole a glance at him and
+saw that he was battling with some strong emotion, then our eyes met,
+and he came forward hastily and stood before me.
+
+"Oh, it is hard that I should have brought this upon you!  I who would
+give my right hand to ensure your happiness.  Have I spoilt your life,
+Una?  Will you think hardly of me some day, and wish that we had never
+met?"
+
+Then at last I looked full in his face.
+
+"No, Will," I said; "that day will never come.  I have known a good man,
+and I am proud that he has loved me, and prouder still that he is true
+to his word.  Don't worry about me.  I shall try to be happy and brave,
+and make the most of my life.  It will be easier after you have left.
+We must not meet like this again.  I could not bear that."
+
+"No, we must not meet.  I could not bear it either, but I am glad that
+we have spoken out this once.  God bless you, dear, for your sweet
+words.  They will be a comfort to remember.  Good-bye!"
+
+We did not even shake hands; he just took off his cap and--went!  I had
+a horrible impulse to run after him, take him by the arm, and make him
+stay a little longer, only five minutes longer, but I didn't.  I just
+stood perfectly still and heard his footsteps crunch down the path.
+Then the sound died away, and it seemed as if everything else died with
+them.  I did not feel brave at that moment.  There seemed nothing left
+in the whole wide world that was worth having.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE.
+
+About the middle of September Will went away to pay a visit to his
+uncle.  He called to say good-bye when he knew I was out, so we did not
+meet again, and no one had any idea of what had happened.  Isn't it
+strange how far away you feel at times from even your nearest relations?
+
+  "Not e'en the dearest heart and next our own,
+  Knows half the reason why we smile or sigh!"
+
+as it says in the "Christian Year."  A girl's parents think: "She has a
+comfortable home, and nice food and clothes, and we are always thinking
+of her; she ought to be happy, and if she isn't she is a naughty,
+ungrateful child!"  They don't remember that the child is a woman, and
+wants her very own life!  And other people say: "She is a well-off girl,
+that Una Sackville, she has everything that money can buy!" but money
+can't take the ache out of your heart.  And your sister thinks that you
+should be so excited and eager at the prospect of being her bridesmaid,
+that your cup of happiness ought to simply pour over on the spot.  Ah,
+well, perhaps it's just as well to keep your troubles to yourself!
+
+The old uncle was weak and failing, so Will stayed on with him until
+Christmas.  I suppose he was glad of the excuse.  He never wrote, but
+Rachel sent me a note now and then, and mentioned that he had been down
+to Bournemouth several times, but she is a poor correspondent at the
+best of times, and her letters seemed emptier than ever.  When Lorna
+writes, you feel as if she were speaking, and she tells you all the
+nice, interesting little things you most want to hear, but Rachel's
+letters are just a dull repetition of your own.
+
+"Dearest Una,--I am so glad to hear you are keeping well, and feeling
+happier about your sister's health.  It is very nice to know that dear
+Mrs Sackville is so much stronger this winter, and that your father is
+full of health and vigour.  So you are expecting a visit from your
+soldier brother, and are all greatly excited at the prospect of seeing
+him after so many years, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera."  What is one to
+do with people who write like that?  Just at the end she would say,
+"Will paid us a flying visit last week, and promised to come again next
+Saturday.  Believe me, dear Una..."  Her letters left me as hungry and
+dissatisfied as when they arrived, but they brought all the news I had
+for three long months.
+
+At home the atmosphere was very bright and cheery, for Vere improved so
+quickly that she and Jim actually began to talk of marriage in the
+summer.  The old doctor came up and croaked warnings when he heard of
+it.  He said that Vere would need care for a long time to come, and that
+in his opinion it would be wiser to wait until she was perfectly
+strong--say a matter of two or three years longer; but Jim just laughed
+in his face, and said he flattered himself that he could take better
+care of his wife than anyone else could possibly do.  So it was settled,
+and the astounding marvel has come to pass that Vere is so engrossed in
+thinking about Jim and their future life together, that she is
+comparatively indifferent to clothes.  When I sounded her as to
+bridesmaids' costume, she said: "Oh, settle it yourself, dear.  I don't
+mind, so long as you are pleased!"  Two years ago she would have
+insisted on my wearing saffron, if it had been the fashionable colour,
+and have worried the whole household into fits about the shape of the
+sleeves!  She is so loving and sweet to mother, too, not only in words,
+but in a hundred taking-pains kind of ways, and she never jeers or hurts
+my feelings as she used to do.  Jim is going to have a very nice wife,
+and he deserves it, dear old patient thing!
+
+In November, just as it was all settled about the wedding, Spencer came
+home from Malta, and stayed for a month.  We were all simply bursting
+with pride over him, and the whole neighbourhood came up in batches to
+do obeisance.  Why one should be prouder of a soldier who has never even
+seen a fight than of a nice, hard-working clerk, I can't think, but the
+fact remains that you _are_, and I did wish it were the fashion for
+Spencer to wear his lovely uniform, instead of a dull grey tweed suit
+like anybody else!  The whole family was busy and happy and engrossed in
+the present.  Nobody guessed what years those weeks seemed to me.  I was
+quite bright all day long, but when I got to bed...
+
+So the time went on, one day after another.  Spencer went back to Malta,
+and Jim came down to stay for Christmas, also Lady Mary and her husband,
+and I sat up in my room making presents, and trying to live in the
+present and not look ahead.  Then Christmas morning came, and among a
+stack of cards was a letter from Rachel--an extraordinary letter!
+
+"I am quite well again," she wrote, "but mother is very frail, and takes
+cold at every change in the weather.  Even this sheltered place seems
+too bleak for her, and we are seriously contemplating going abroad--not
+to the Continent, but a much longer journey--to South Africa itself!
+You may have heard that mother spent her early life at the Cape, and now
+that father has gone it is only natural that she should wish to spend
+her last years near her brothers and sisters.  It will be a wrench for
+me to leave England, and all the dear friends who have been so kind to
+me, but I feel more and more strongly that it is the right thing to do.
+We shall try to sell the Grange, but shall, of course, come back for a
+few weeks after the New Year to pack up and make final arrangements, if,
+as I think probable, our plans are settled by that time."
+
+The letter went on to discuss other subjects, but I could not bring my
+mind to attend to them.  I just sat staring at that one paragraph, and
+reading it over again and again and again.
+
+Going to the Cape!  To spend her mother's last days!  Mrs Greaves was
+not an old woman.  She might easily live for another ten or fifteen
+years.  Did Rachel seriously mean to imply that she herself was going to
+remain in South Africa all that time?  And what about Will?  Was he
+supposed to wait patiently until she returned, or to expatriate himself
+in order to join her?  I felt utterly bewildered, and the worst of it
+was that there was no one near who could throw any light on the subject,
+or answer one of my questions.  At one moment I felt indignant with
+Rachel for making no mention of Will's interest; at the next I marvelled
+how a mother, so kind and devoted as Mrs Greaves, could possibly demand
+such a sacrifice of her daughter.  What would Will say when the project
+was unfolded to him?  After his long waiting he would be quite justified
+in taking a strong position and refusing to be put aside any longer.
+From what I knew of him, I fancied that he would do so--I hoped he
+would.  Nothing could be more trying and dangerous for him or for me
+than a long, dragging engagement, with Rachel at the other side of the
+world--an engagement which held him bound, yet left him practically
+free.
+
+I knew that Will was to spend Christmas at Bournemouth, and wondered if
+he would call on us on his return to discuss the astonishing news, but
+though father met him once or twice, he never came near the house until
+this morning, this wonderful never-to-be-forgotten morning when Bennett
+came to me as I was writing in the library and said that Mr Dudley had
+called to see me, and was waiting in the drawing-room.
+
+To see me!  Not mother, nor father, nor Vere, but me!  My heart gave a
+great leap of excitement, and I trembled so violently that I could
+hardly walk across the floor.  It must be something extraordinary indeed
+which brought Will on a special mission to me!
+
+He was standing by the fireplace as I entered the room, and the moment
+he saw me he darted forward and seized my hands in both his.  The last
+time we had met he would not even shake hands at parting.  I remembered
+that with another thrill of excitement; then he drew me towards the
+fireplace and began speaking in quick, excited tones--
+
+"Una, it is all over!  Rachel has set me free!  It is her own doing,
+entirely her own wish.  I had no idea of it until Christmas Eve, when
+she sent me a letter telling me that she was going to South Africa with
+her mother, and could not continue our engagement.  She asked me not to
+come to Bournemouth as arranged, but I went all the same.  I could not
+accept a written word after all these years.  I wanted to satisfy myself
+that she was in earnest."
+
+"And was she?"
+
+"Absolutely!  I could not touch her decision--sweet and gentle and
+kindly as ever, but perfectly determined to end it once for all."
+
+"Do you think that Mrs Greaves--"
+
+"No, she has had nothing to do with it.  The decision was as great a
+surprise to her as to me.  She told me that she would never have
+consented to the South African scheme if Rachel had not first confided
+in her that she wished to break her engagement, and would be glad to be
+out of England.  I think she is genuinely sorry.  She and I were always
+good friends."
+
+"Then why--why--why--"
+
+"A matter of feeling entirely.  Stay, I will give you her letter to
+read.  It will explain better than I can, and there is nothing that she
+could mind your seeing."
+
+He took an envelope from his coat pocket, unfolded the sheet of paper
+which it contained, and held it before me.  I was so shaky and trembling
+that I don't think I could have held it myself.  It was dated December
+23rd, and on the first page Rachel spoke of the proposed journey in
+almost the same words which she had used in her letter to me, written on
+the same date.  Then came the surprise.
+
+"You will wonder, dear Will, if I am altogether forgetting you and your
+claims in the making of these plans; indeed, I never can be indifferent
+to anything which concerns your happiness, but I have something to say
+to you to-night which cannot longer be delayed.  I am going to ask you
+to set me free from our engagement.  I have come to the conclusion that
+I have been mistaken in many things, and that it would not be a right
+thing for me to become your wife.  Please don't imagine that I am
+disappointed in you, or have any sins to lay to your charge.  I am
+thankful to say that my affection and esteem are greater now than on the
+day when we were engaged, and I should be deeply grieved if I thought
+there could ever be anything approaching a quarrel between us.  I want
+to be good, true friends, dear Will, but only friends--not lovers.  I
+see now that I should never have allowed anything else, but you must be
+generous, dear, and forgive me, as you have already forgiven so many
+failings.
+
+"Don't try to dissuade me.  You know I am not given to rash decisions,
+and I have thought over nothing else than this step for some weeks past.
+I know I am right, and in the future you will see it too, however
+strangely it strikes you now.  It would perhaps be better if you did not
+come here to-morrow as arranged--"
+
+The rest of the letter I knew already, so I did not trouble to look at
+it, but turned back and read the last paragraphs for the second time, "I
+have been mistaken in many things!"  "My affection is greater than on
+the day when we were engaged."  "I have thought over nothing else for
+some weeks past."  Those three sentences seemed to stand out from the
+rest, and to print themselves on my brain.  I looked anxiously in Will's
+face, and saw in it joy, agitation, a wonderful tenderness, but no
+shadow of the suspicion which was tearing at my own heart.  How blind
+men are sometimes, especially when they don't care to see!
+
+"She has never loved me!" he declared.  "She had, as she says, an
+affection for me as she might have had for a friend, a brother--an
+affection such as I had for her, but she does not know--we neither of us
+knew the meaning of--love!"
+
+I looked at the carpet, and there rose before me a vision of Rachel's
+face when Will appeared unexpectedly on the scene; when she heard the
+tones of his voice in the distance; when she watched him out of sight
+after he had said "Good-bye."  In his actual presence she was quiet and
+precise, but at these moments her eyes would shine with a deep glow of
+happiness, her lips would tremble, and her cheeks turn suddenly from
+white to pink.  Not love him--Rachel not love Will!  Why, she adored
+him!  He was more to her than anything and everybody in the world put
+together.  She might be able to deceive him, but nothing could make me
+believe that she had broken off the engagement for her own happiness.
+She was thinking of someone else, not herself.  Who was it?  Ah, that
+was the question.  Her mother, or Will, Will and perhaps--me!  Was it
+possible that she had been conscious of what had happened on the
+afternoon of the motor accident, and that, in consideration of our
+feelings, she had kept her own counsel until a sufficient time had
+elapsed to enable her to end her engagement in a natural manner?  Anyone
+who knew Rachel as I do would realise in a flash that it was just
+exactly what she would do in the circumstances.  Then, if this were
+indeed the case, the nervous shock which prostrated her for so long was
+not physical, but mental.  Oh, poor Rachel!  Yet you could smile at me,
+and be sweet and gentle in the first moments of your agony!  It was all
+I could do to keep back the tears, as I thought of what she must have
+endured during these last three months; but through all my agitation one
+determination remained unshaken: I must not let Will see my suspicions;
+Rachel's secret must be loyally guarded.  He was talking incessantly--a
+quick, excited stream of words.  I came back from my dreams to pick up a
+half-finished sentence--
+
+"Too good to be true.  She has filled so large a place in my life.  I
+have such a strong admiration for her that it would have been a real
+pain to have parted coldly.  But to keep her as my friend, to know that
+her affection is unchanged, and yet to be free to seek my own happiness
+is such a marvellous unravelling of the skein that I can hardly realise
+my good fortune.  I came back last night, and could hardly wait until
+this morning to tell you my news.  Una, you understand!  I ask nothing
+of you to-day, it is not the time to speak of ourselves.  I shall go
+back to my uncle, and stay with him for the next few months.  He is very
+frail, and my place seems to be with him at present, but in the spring,
+if I come back in the spring, will you see me then?  Will you let me
+tell you--"
+
+I moved away from him hurriedly.
+
+"No, no--don't say it!  Say nothing to-day, but just `Good-bye.'  I
+don't want to think of the future--it's too soon.  You said we must not
+think of ourselves."
+
+"I did.  You are quite right, but sometimes it is difficult to be
+consistent.  You are not angry with me for coming to-day?"
+
+He held out his hand as he spoke, and--I was inconsistent, too!  I laid
+mine in it, and we stood with clasped fingers, quite still and silent
+for a long, long time, but I think we said many things to each other,
+all the same.
+
+Then Will went away--my Will!--and I came upstairs to my room, and sat
+down all alone.  No, that is not true--I can never fed alone now as long
+as I live!
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWENTY SIX.
+
+                                                         _January 20th_.
+Mrs Greaves and Rachel came home after the New Year and set to work at
+once to break up the old home.  All the furniture is to be sold by
+auction, and the house is to be sold too, or let upon a very long lease.
+I wanted to see Rachel, but dreaded seeing her, at the same time, so at
+last I sent a letter asking when I might come, and she wrote back a dear
+little affectionate note fixing the very next afternoon.  When I arrived
+she took me upstairs to the sitting-room where I used to spend my days
+when my ankle was bad, and fussed over me in just the same old way.  She
+looked--different!  Just as sweet, just as calm, but--oh, I can't
+describe it, as if something had gone which had been the mainspring of
+it all.
+
+I should never have dared to mention Will, but she began almost at once
+to speak of the broken engagement, quite calmly and quietly, repeating
+that it was the best thing for both, and that she should be perfectly
+content if she were satisfied about Will's future.
+
+"Nothing will give me greater pleasure than to hear that Will is happily
+married and settled down.  He has been too long alone, and would so
+thoroughly appreciate a home of his own.  I have done him a great
+injustice by condemning him to so many lonely years, but our engagement
+need be no hindrance now.  It was known to very few people, and,"--she
+smiled a little sadly--"even those who did know refused to take it
+seriously.  They saw at once what I was so slow in discovering--that we
+were unsuited to each other.  We were thrown together at a time when he
+was depressed and lonely, otherwise the engagement could never have
+happened.  It was a great mistake, but it is over now, and he must not
+suffer from its consequences.  I am going away, but I shall wait to hear
+of his happiness, and I hope it may come soon."
+
+Our eyes met.  I looked at her steadily, and the colour rose in her
+cheeks and spread up to the roots of her hair.  She shrank back in her
+chair and put up her hands as if to ward me off, but I just sank on my
+knees before them and held them tightly in mine.
+
+"Oh, Rachel!"  I cried.  "I know, I know!  You can't deceive me, dear.
+You have done this for our sakes, not your own.  Oh, I hoped you had
+been too much engrossed to notice what happened that day.  When you said
+nothing about it, I was so relieved and thankful, for truly, Rachel, it
+was only an impulse.  Nothing of the sort had ever happened before--not
+a word or a look to which you could have objected.  You believe that,
+don't you, dear?  Say you believe it."
+
+Her fingers tightened round mine.
+
+"Indeed, indeed, I do!  You have been all that is true and loyal, and so
+has Will.  There is no one to blame but myself.  I knew from the first
+that he was attracted to you, and that you suited him better than I
+could ever do; but I shut my eyes--I did not want to see.  Don't be
+sorry for what happened; it is a great blessing for us all that I was
+not allowed to deceive myself any longer.  You say it was only an
+impulse.  Ah, Una, but the impulse which made him turn to you and forget
+me is too clear a warning to be neglected.  It showed how his heart lay
+better than any deliberate action."
+
+I could not deny it.  I did not want to deny it, deeply as I felt for
+her suffering.  I laid my head in her lap, so that she should not see my
+face, and begged her to forgive me.
+
+"I feel such a wretch to take my happiness at the expense of yours.  You
+are an angel, Rachel, to be so sweet and forgiving.  I should be a fury
+of rage and jealousy if I were in your place, but you give it all up
+without a murmur."
+
+She smiled at that--such a sad little smile.
+
+"I have nothing to give.  It was yours all the time.  When I found that
+out, I could not be mean enough to hold an empty claim.  I never meant
+you to know my real reason, but since you have found it out for
+yourself, you must promise me not to let it interfere with Will's
+happiness.  Don't let me feel that he has to suffer any more because of
+me.  Never let him suspect the truth.  He has such a tender heart that
+it would trouble him sorely if he knew that I had discovered his secret,
+and I don't want any shadow on our friendship.  Promise me, Una, that
+you will never let him know."
+
+"I promise, Rachel.  I had made up my mind about that long ago."
+
+I did not tell her that in making my decision I had considered her
+feelings, not his.  I had imagined that for her pride's sake she would
+not wish him to know her real reasons for breaking off the engagement.
+But Rachel herself had no thought of her pride; her anxiety was simply
+and wholly for Will's comfort.
+
+I looked up at her in a passion of admiration, and in that moment a
+question which had tormented me for weeks past seemed to find its
+solution.
+
+"Rachel," I cried, "I know now why this has happened!  I have been
+wondering how anyone so good and unselfish as you could be allowed to
+have such a trouble as this, and how it could be for the best that you
+are passed over for a creature like me, but I can understand now.  You
+are too valuable to be shut up in just one home; so many people need
+you--you can help so wonderfully all round that you are kept free for
+the general good.  The world needs you.  You belong to the world."
+
+Her face lit up with happiness.
+
+"Oh, Una, what a lovely thought!  I shall remember that, and it will be
+such a comfort.  Kiss me, dear.  I am so glad that it is you.  I am so
+thankful that Will has chosen someone whom I can love."
+
+We talked a good deal more, and she said a lot of lovely things that I
+shall remember all my life.  It was as though she were giving over the
+charge of Will into my hands, and they are such hasty incapable hands
+that they need all the guiding they can get.  She told, me all about him
+as she had known him all these years--his good qualities, which I was to
+encourage; his weaknesses, which I was to discourage; his faults, (ah!
+Will dear, they were nothing compared to mine), which I was to help him
+to fight.  She looked upon it all so seriously, that marriage seemed to
+become a terrible as well as a beautiful thing.  Can it really be true
+that I have such wonderful power to influence Will for good or evil?
+Oh, I must be good, I must, I must, for his welfare is fifty thousand
+times dearer to me than my own!
+
+After this I was constantly at the Grange, and worked like a charwoman
+helping to pack, and getting ready for the sale.  I think I was really
+of use, for Rachel has not much taste, and I re-arranged things so that
+they looked ever so much more attractive, and so brought bigger prices.
+We had very happy times together, and were quite merry, sometimes
+sitting down to tea on the top of boxes, with our dresses pinned up and
+covered with aprons, but we never spoke of Will again.  That was
+finished.  The last two nights they were in England Mrs Greaves and
+Rachel spent in our home, and I drove down and saw them off at the
+station.  I knew who was going to meet them at the other end, but even
+then we did not mention him.  Rachel just clung tightly to me, and
+whispered "_Remember_!" and that said everything.  Then the train puffed
+slowly out of the station, and I caught one glimpse of her white, white
+face through the window.  Oh! if I live to be a hundred I shall never,
+never forget her, and I shall love her more than anyone else except my
+very own people, but I don't think I shall ever see Rachel again in this
+world!
+
+                                                            _June 25th_.
+Vere's wedding eve.  My poor neglected diary must come out of hiding to
+hear the record of a time so wonderful to her and to me.  I have had
+very little leisure for thinking of my own affairs since Rachel left,
+for a wedding means a tremendous amount of work and management, when it
+involves inviting relations from all parts of the world, buying as many
+clothes as if you were never expected to see a shop again, and choosing
+and furnishing a brand-new house.  Neither mother nor Vere are strong
+enough to do much running about, so all the active preparations fell to
+me, and I had to go up to town to scold dressmakers and hurry up
+decorators, and threaten cabinet makers, and tell plumbers and
+ironmongers that they ought to be ashamed of themselves, and match
+patterns, and choose trimmings, and change things that wouldn't do,
+until Vere said, laughingly, that the wedding seemed far more mine than
+hers.  It kept me so busy that I had no time to dream until I went to
+bed at nights and then I used to be awake for hours, thinking of Rachel
+away at the other side of the world, happy in her mother's restored
+health, and, to judge from the tone of her letters, thoroughly enjoying
+the complete change of scene after the very quiet life she had led these
+last years; thinking of Lorna, my dear old faithful Lorna, as good a
+friend to me as ever, in spite of all the trouble I caused her.  It is a
+year ago now since that wretched affair, and Wallace seems almost his
+old self again, she says, so I hope he will soon have forgotten all
+about me.  I feel hot and cold whenever I think about it.  It is
+_wicked_ to play at being in love!  Suppose I had accepted Wallace out
+of pique, as I thought of doing for a few mad moments; suppose I had
+been going to marry him to-morrow--how awful, how perfectly awful I
+should feel now!  How different from Vere, whose face looks so sweet and
+satisfied that it does one good to look at her.
+
+I have been slaving all day long arranging flowers and presents, and
+after tea mother just insisted that I should come up to my room to rest
+for an hour, so here I am, sitting on the very same chair on which I sat
+in those far-away pre-historic ages when I began this diary, a silly bit
+of a girl just home from school.  I am not so very ancient now as years
+go, but I have come through some big experiences, and to-day especially
+I feel full of all sorts of wonderful thoughts and resolutions, because
+to-morrow--to-morrow, Will is coming, and we shall meet again!
+
+I think Vere guesses, I am almost sure that she does, for she and Jim
+made such a point of his coming to the wedding, and she gave me his note
+of acceptance with such a sympathetic little smile.  Oh, how anxious I
+had been until that letter arrived, and now that it is all settled I can
+hardly rest until to-morrow.  Rest!  How can I rest?  He arrives late
+to-night, so we shall meet first of all in church.  I shall feel as if,
+like Vere, I am going to meet my bridegroom.  It will seem like a double
+wedding--hers and mine.
+
+                                                      _The Wedding Day_.
+It has all passed off perfectly, without a single hitch or drawback.  To
+begin with, the weather was ideal, just a typical warm June day, with
+the sky one deep, unclouded blue.  As I looked out of my window this
+morning the lawns looked like stretches of green velvet, bordered with
+pink and cream, for it is to be a rose wedding, and the date was fixed
+to have them at their best.  The house is full of visitors, and
+everybody seemed overflowing with sympathy and kindness.
+
+It must be horrid to be married in a place where you are not known, or
+in a big town where a lot of strangers collect to stare at you, as if
+you were part of a show.  This dear little place is, to a man, almost as
+much interested and excited as we are ourselves; the villagers are all
+friends, for either we have known them since they were babies, or they
+have known us since we were babies, which comes to the same thing.  The
+old almshouse women had a tea yesterday, and sat in the gallery in
+church, and the Sunday-school children had a tea to-day, and lined the
+church path and scattered roses.  The Mother's Meeting was in the
+gallery, too, and the Band of Hope somewhere else, and the Girls'
+Friendly by the door.  The whole place was _en fete_, with penny flags
+hanging out of the cottage windows, and streamers tied across the High
+Street.  It all felt so nice, and kind, and homey.
+
+There were eight bridesmaids, and we really _did_ look nice, in white
+chiffon dresses, shepherdess hats wreathed with roses, and long white
+staves wreathed with the same.
+
+As for Vere, she was a vision of loveliness, all pink and white and
+gold.  We walked together downstairs into the hall, where father was
+waiting to receive us.  Poor father! the tears came into his eyes as he
+took her hand, and looked down at her.  It must be hard to bring up a
+child, and go through all the anxiety and care and worry, and then, just
+when she is old enough to be a real companion, to have to give her up,
+and see her go away with a "perfect stranger," as Spencer says.
+
+Last night, when I was going to bed, father held me in his arms, and
+said:
+
+"Thank heaven, I shall have you left, Babs!  It will be a long time
+before I can spare you to another man."
+
+And I hugged him, and said nothing, for I knew...  Ah! well, they did it
+themselves once on a time, so they can't be surprised!
+
+The church was crowded with people, and everybody turned to stare at us
+as we came in, but I saw only one face--Will's face--with the light I
+most loved shining in his eyes.  I stood at Vere's side, and heard her
+repeat her vows in sweet, firm tones, which never faltered, but Jim's
+voice trembled as he made that touching promise of faithfulness "in
+sickness and in health," and I saw his hand tighten over hers.
+
+It was like a dream--the swelling bursts of music, the faces of the
+clergy; behind all, the great stained window, with the Christ looking
+down...  Then the wedding march pealed out, we took our places in the
+carriages, and drove home once more.
+
+Vere and her husband stood beneath one of the arches of the pergola, to
+receive the congratulations of their friends, a picture couple, as happy
+as they were handsome.  The sky was like a dome of blue, the scent of
+roses was in the air, and Will came to meet me across the green, green
+grass.
+
+"Una!" he cried.  "_At last_!" and clasped my hand in his.
+
+Oh, I am terribly happy!  I should like everyone in the world to be as
+happy as I am to-day!
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Heart of Una Sackville, by 
+Mrs. George de Horne Vaizey
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