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+Project Gutenberg's Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor
+       Volume I
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Thomas L. Masson
+
+Release Date: April 21, 2007 [EBook #21196]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMERICAN WIT AND HUMOR ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Bryan Ness, Janet Blenkinship and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  Little Masterpieces of
+  American Wit and Humor
+
+
+  Edited by Thomas L. Masson
+
+
+  [Illustration: Oliver Wendell Holmes]
+
+
+  VOLUME I
+
+  _By_
+
+  Washington Irving   Oliver Wendell Holmes
+  Benjamin Franklin   "Josh Billings"
+  "Mark Twain"        Charles Dudley Warner
+  James T. Fields     Henry Ward Beecher
+               and others
+
+
+  NEW YORK
+  DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY
+  1903
+
+  Copyright, 1903, by
+  DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY
+  Published, October, 1903
+
+
+[Illustration: Handwritten introduction:
+
+Those selections in this book which are from my own works, were made by
+my two assistant compilers, not by me. This is why There are not more.
+
+Mark Twain]
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+
+This anthology of American Humor represents a process of selection that
+has been going on for more than fifteen years, and in giving it to the
+public it is perhaps well that the Editor should precede it with a few
+words of explanation as to its meaning and scope.
+
+Not only all that is fairly representative of the work of our American
+humorists, from Washington Irving to "Mr. Dooley," has been gathered
+together, but also much that is merely fugitive and anecdotal. Thus, in
+many instances literary finish has been ignored in order that certain
+characteristic and purely American bits should have their place. The
+Editor is not unmindful of the danger of this plan. For where there is
+such a countless number of witticisms (so-called) as are constantly
+coming to the surface, and where so many of them are worthless, it must
+always take a rare discrimination to detect the genuine from the false.
+This difficulty is greatly increased by the difference of opinion that
+exists, even among the elect, with regard to the merit of particular
+jokes. To paraphrase an old adage, what is one man's laughter may be
+another man's dirge. The Editor desires to make it plain, however, that
+the responsibility in this particular instance is entirely his own. He
+has made his selections without consulting any one, knowing that if a
+consultation of experts should attempt to decide about the contents of a
+volume of American humor, no volume would ever be published.
+
+The reader will doubtless recognize, in this anthology, many old
+friends. He may also be conscious of omissions. These omissions are due
+either to the restrictions of publishers, or the impossibility of
+obtaining original copies, or the limited space.
+
+
+
+
+ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
+
+
+Acknowledgments are made herewith to the following publishers, who have
+kindly consented to allow the reproduction of the material designated.
+
+     F. A. STOKES & COMPANY, New York: "A Rhyme for Priscilla,"
+     F. D. Sherman; "The Bohemians of Boston," Gelett Burgess; "A Kiss
+     in the Rain," "Bessie Brown, M. D.," S. M. Peck.
+
+     DODD, MEAD & COMPANY, New York: Four Extracts, E. W.
+     Townsend ("Chimmie Fadden").
+
+     BOWEN-MERRILL COMPANY, Indianapolis: "The Elf Child," "A
+     Liz-Town Humorist," James Whitcomb Riley.
+
+     LEE & SHEPARD, Boston: "The Meeting of the Clabberhuses,"
+     "A Philosopher," "The Ideal Husband to His Wife," "The Prayer of
+     Cyrus Brown," "A Modern Martyrdom," S. W. Foss; "After the
+     Funeral," "What He Wanted It For," J. M. Bailey.
+
+     BACHELLER, JOHNSON & BACHELLER, New York: "The Composite
+     Ghost," Marion Couthouy Smith.
+
+     D. APPLETON & COMPANY, New York: "Illustrated Newspapers,"
+     "Tushmaker's Tooth-puller," G. H. Derby ("John Phoenix").
+
+     T. B. PETERSON & COMPANY, Philadelphia: "Hans Breitmann's
+     Party," "Ballad," C. G. Leland.
+
+     CENTURY COMPANY, New York: "Miss Malony on the Chinese
+     Question," Mary Mapes Dodge; "The Origin of the Banjo," Irwin
+     Russell; "The Walloping Window-Blind," Charles E. Carryl; "The
+     Patriotic Tourist," "What's in a Name?" "'Tis Ever Thus," R. K.
+     Munkittrick.
+
+     FORBES & COMPANY, Chicago: "If I Should Die To-Night,"
+     "The Pessimist," Ben King.
+
+     J. S. OGILVIE & COMPANY, New York: Three Short Extracts,
+     C. B. Lewis ("Mr. Bowser").
+
+     THE CHELSEA COMPANY, New York: "The Society Reporter's
+     Christmas," "The Dying Gag," James L. Ford.
+
+     KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN, New York: "Love Letters of Smith,"
+     H. C. Bunner.
+
+     SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY, Boston: "On Gold-Seeking," "On
+     Expert Testimony," F. P. Dunne ("Mr. Dooley"); "Tale of the
+     Kennebec Mariner," "Grampy Sings a Song," "Cure for Homesickness,"
+     Holman F. Day.
+
+     BELFORD, CLARKE & COMPANY, Chicago: "A Fatal Thirst," "On
+     Cyclones," Bill Nye.
+
+     DUQUESNE DISTRIBUTING COMPANY, Harmanville, Pennsylvania:
+     "In Society," William J. Kountz, Jr. (from the bound edition of
+     "Billy Baxter's Letters").
+
+     R. H. RUSSELL, New York: Nonsense Verses--"Impetuous
+     Samuel," "Misfortunes Never Come Singly," "Aunt Eliza," "Susan";
+     "The City as a Summer Resort," "Avarice and Generosity," "Work and
+     Sport," "Home Life of Geniuses," F. P. Dunne ("Mr. Dooley"); "My
+     Angeline," Harry B. Smith.
+
+     H. S. STONE & COMPANY, Chicago: "The Preacher Who Flew His
+     Kite." "The Fable of the Caddy," "The Two Mandolin Players," George
+     Ade.
+
+     AMERICAN PUBLISHING COMPANY, Hartford: "A Pleasure
+     Excursion," "An Unmarried Female," Marietta Holley; "Colonel
+     Sellers," "Mark Twain."
+
+     G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS, New York: "Living in the Country," "A
+     Glass of Water," "A Family Horse," F. S. Cozzens.
+
+     GEORGE DILLINGHAM, New York: "Natral and Unnatral
+     Aristocrats," "To Correspondents," "The Bumblebee," "Josh
+     Billings"; "Among the Spirits," "The Shakers," "A. W. to His Wife,"
+     "Artemus Ward and the Prince of Wales," "A Visit to Brigham Young,"
+     "The Tower of London," "One of Mr. Ward's Business Letters," "On
+     'Forts,'" Artemus Ward; "At the Musicale," "At the Races," Geo. V.
+     Hobart ("John Henry").
+
+     THOMPSON & THOMAS, Chicago: "How to Hunt the Fox," Bill
+     Nye.
+
+     LITTLE, BROWN & COMPANY, Boston: "Street Scenes in
+     Washington," Louisa May Alcott.
+
+     E. H. BACON & COMPANY, Boston: "A Boston Lullaby," James
+     Jeffrey Roche.
+
+     HOUGHTON, MIFFLIN & COMPANY, Boston: "My Aunt," "The
+     Wonderful One-hoss Shay," "Foreign Correspondence,"
+     "Music-Pounding" (extract), "The Ballad of the Oysterman,"
+     "Dislikes" (short extract), "The Height of the Ridiculous," "An
+     Aphorism and a Lecture," O. W. Holmes; "The Yankee Recruit," "What
+     Mr. Robinson Thinks," "The Courtin'," "A Letter from Mr. Ezekiel
+     Bigelow," "Without and Within," J. R. Lowell; "Five Lives," "Eve's
+     Daughter," E. R. Sill; "The Owl-Critic," "The Alarmed Skipper,"
+     James T. Fields; "My Summer in a Garden," "Plumbers," "How I Killed
+     a Bear," C. D. Warner; "Little Breeches," John Hay; "The Stammering
+     Wife," "Coquette," "My Familiar," "Early Rising," J. G. Saxe; "The
+     Diamond Wedding," E. C. Stedman; "Melons," "Society Upon the
+     Stanislaus," "The Heathen Chinee," "To the Pliocene Skull," Bret
+     Harte; "The Total Depravity of Inanimate Things," K. K. C. Walker;
+     "Palabras Grandiosas," Bayard Taylor; "Mrs. Johnson," William Dean
+     Howells; "A Plea for Humor," Agnes Repplier; "The Minister's
+     Wooing," Harriet Beecher Stowe.
+
+In addition, the Editor desires to make his personal acknowledgments to
+the following authors: F. P. Dunne, Mary Mapes Dodge, Gelett Burgess, R.
+K. Munkittrick, E. W. Townsend, F. D. Sherman.
+
+For such small paragraphs, anecdotes and witticisms as have been used in
+these volumes, acknowledgment is hereby made to the following newspapers
+and periodicals:
+
+_Chicago Record_, _Boston Globe_, _Texas Siftings_, _New Orleans Times
+Democrat_, _Providence Journal_, _New York Evening Sun_, _Atlanta
+Constitution_, _Macon Telegraph_, _New Haven Register_, _Chicago Times_,
+_Analostan Magazine_, _Harper's Bazaar_, _Florida Citizen_, _Saturday
+Evening Post_, _Chicago Times Herald_, _Washington Post_, _Cleveland
+Plain Dealer_,_ _New York Tribune_, _Chicago Tribune_, _Pittsburg
+Bulletin_, _Philadelphia Ledger_, _Youth's Companion_, _Harper's
+Magazine_, _Duluth Evening Herald_, _Boston Medical and Surgical
+Journal_, _Washington Times_, _Rochester Budget_, _Bangor News_, _Boston
+Herald_, _Pittsburg Dispatch_, _Christian Advocate_, _Troy Times_,
+_Boston Beacon_, _New Haven News_, _New York Herald_, _Philadelphia
+Call_, _Philadelphia News_, _Erie Dispatch_, _Town Topics_, _Buffalo
+Courier_, _Life_, _San Francisco Wave_, _Boston Home Journal_, _Puck_,
+_Washington Hatchet_, _Detroit Free Press_, _Babyhood_, _Philadelphia
+Press_, _Judge_, _New York Sun_, _Minneapolis Journal_, _San Francisco
+Argonaut_, _St. Louis Sunday Globe_, _Atlanta Constitution_, _Buffalo
+Courier_, _New York Weekly_, _Starlight Messenger_ (St Peter, Minn.).
+
+
+
+
+  CONTENTS
+
+  _VOLUME I_
+
+                                                                    PAGE
+
+  WASHINGTON IRVING
+
+  Wouter Van Twiller                                                   1
+  Wilhelmus Kieft                                                      8
+  Peter Stuyvesant                                                    13
+  Antony Van Corlear                                                  15
+  General Van Poffenburgh                                             18
+
+  BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
+
+  Maxims                                                              21
+  Model of a Letter of Recommendation of a
+  Person You Are Unacquainted with                                    21
+  Epitaph for Himself                                                 22
+
+  WILLIAM ALLEN BUTLER
+
+  Nothing to Wear                                                     24
+
+  HENRY WARD BEECHER
+
+  Deacon Marble                                                       39
+  The Deacon's Trout                                                  41
+  The Dog Noble and the Empty Hole                                    43
+
+  ALBERT GORTON GREENE
+
+  Old Grimes                                                          45
+
+  OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES
+
+  My Aunt                                                             49
+  The Deacon's Masterpiece; or, the Wonderful
+  "One-hoss Shay"                                                     63
+  Foreign Correspondence                                             106
+  Music-Pounding                                                     109
+  The Ballad of the Oysterman                                        142
+
+  NATHANIEL PARKER WILLIS
+
+  Miss Albina McLush                                                  51
+  Love in a Cottage                                                  125
+
+  WILLIAM PITT PALMER
+
+  A Smack in School                                                   56
+
+  B. P. SHILLABER ("Mrs. Partington")
+
+  Fancy Diseases                                                      58
+  Bailed Out                                                          59
+  Seeking a Comet                                                     59
+  Going to California                                                 60
+  Mrs. Partington in Court                                            61
+
+  EDWARD ROWLAND SILL
+
+  Five Lives                                                          68
+
+  JAMES T. FIELDS
+
+  The Owl-Critic                                                      70
+  The Alarmed Skipper                                                104
+
+  JOHN HAY
+
+  Little Breeches                                                     74
+
+  HENRY W. SHAW ("Josh Billings")
+
+  Natral and Unnatral Aristokrats                                     77
+
+  JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL
+
+  The Yankee Recruit                                                  81
+  What Mr. Robinson Thinks                                           170
+
+  CHARLES DUDLEY WARNER
+
+  My Summer in a Garden                                               90
+
+  FREDERICK S. COZZENS
+
+  Living in the Country                                              111
+
+  CHARLES GODFREY LELAND
+
+  Hans Breitmann's Party                                             127
+
+  FRANCES M. WHICHER
+
+  Tim Crane and the Widow                                            129
+
+  JOHN GODFREY SAXE
+
+  The Stammering Wife                                                135
+
+  ANDREW V. KELLEY ("Parmenas Mix")
+
+  He Came to Pay                                                     139
+
+  MARIETTA HOLLEY
+
+  A Pleasure Exertion                                                144
+
+  EDMUND CLARENCE STEDMAN
+
+  The Diamond Wedding                                                162
+
+  MISCELLANEOUS
+
+  Why He Left                                                         23
+  A Boy's Essay on Girls                                              38
+  Identified                                                          47
+  One Better                                                          48
+  A Rendition                                                         57
+  A Cause for Thanks                                                  73
+  Crowded                                                            103
+  The Wedding Journey                                                105
+  A Case of Conscience                                               126
+  He Rose to the Occasion                                            136
+  Polite                                                             137
+  Lost, Strayed or Stolen                                            138
+  A Gentle Complaint                                                 141
+  Music by the Choir                                                 173
+
+
+
+
+WASHINGTON IRVING
+
+
+WOUTER VAN TWILLER
+
+It was in the year of our Lord 1629 that Mynheer Wouter Van Twiller was
+appointed Governor of the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, under the
+commission and control of their High Mightinesses the Lords States
+General of the United Netherlands, and the privileged West India
+Company.
+
+This renowned old gentleman arrived at New Amsterdam in the merry month
+of June, the sweetest month in all the year; when dan Apollo seems to
+dance up the transparent firmament--when the robin, the thrush, and a
+thousand other wanton songsters make the woods to resound with amorous
+ditties, and the luxurious little bob-lincon revels among the clover
+blossoms of the meadows--all which happy coincidences persuaded the old
+dames of New Amsterdam, who were skilled in the art of foretelling
+events, that this was to be a happy and prosperous administration.
+
+The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twiller was descended from a long
+line of Dutch burgomasters, who had successively dozed away their lives
+and grown fat upon the bench of magistracy in Rotterdam, and who had
+comported themselves with such singular wisdom and propriety that they
+were never either heard or talked of--which, next to being universally
+applauded, should be the object of ambition of all magistrates and
+rulers. There are two opposite ways by which some men make a figure in
+the world; one, by talking faster than they think, and the other, by
+holding their tongues and not thinking at all. By the first, many a
+smatterer acquires the reputation of a man of quick parts; by the other,
+many a dunderpate, like the owl, the stupidest of birds, comes to be
+considered the very type of wisdom. This, by the way, is a casual
+remark, which I would not, for the universe, have it thought I apply to
+Governor Van Twiller. It is true he was a man shut up within himself,
+like an oyster, and rarely spoke, except in monosyllables; but then it
+was allowed he seldom said a foolish thing. So invincible was his
+gravity that he was never known to laugh or even to smile through the
+whole course of a long and prosperous life. Nay, if a joke were uttered
+in his presence that set light-minded hearers in a roar, it was observed
+to throw him into a state of perplexity. Sometimes he would deign to
+inquire into the matter, and when, after much explanation, the joke was
+made as plain as a pike-staff, he would continue to smoke his pipe in
+silence, and at length, knocking out the ashes, would exclaim, "Well, I
+see nothing in all that to laugh about."
+
+With all his reflective habits, he never made up his mind on a subject.
+His adherents accounted for this by the astonishing magnitude of his
+ideas. He conceived every subject on so grand a scale that he had not
+room in his head to turn it over and examine both sides of it. Certain
+it is that, if any matter were propounded to him on which ordinary
+mortals would rashly determine at first glance, he would put on a vague,
+mysterious look, shake his capacious head, smoke some time in profound
+silence, and at length observe that "he had his doubts about the
+matter"; which gained him the reputation of a man slow of belief and not
+easily imposed upon. What is more, it gained him a lasting name; for to
+this habit of the mind has been attributed his surname of Twiller; which
+is said to be a corruption of the original Twijfler, or, in plain
+English, _Doubter_.
+
+The person of this illustrious old gentleman was formed and proportioned
+as though it had been molded by the hands of some cunning Dutch
+statuary, as a model of majesty and lordly grandeur. He was exactly five
+feet six inches in height, and six feet five inches in circumference.
+His head was a perfect sphere, and of such stupendous dimensions that
+Dame Nature, with all her sex's ingenuity, would have been puzzled to
+construct a neck capable of supporting it; wherefore she wisely declined
+the attempt, and settled it firmly on the top of his backbone, just
+between the shoulders. His body was oblong, and particularly capacious
+at bottom; which was wisely ordered by Providence seeing that he was a
+man of sedentary habits, and very averse to the idle labor of walking.
+His legs were short, but sturdy in proportion to the weight they had to
+sustain; so that when erect he had not a little the appearance of a beer
+barrel on skids. His face, that infallible index of the mind, presented
+a vast expanse, unfurrowed by those lines and angles which disfigure the
+human countenance with what is termed expression. Two small gray eyes
+twinkled feebly in the midst, like two stars of lesser magnitude in a
+hazy firmament; and his full-fed cheeks, which seemed to have taken toll
+of everything that went into his mouth, were curiously mottled and
+streaked with dusky red, like a Spitzenberg apple.
+
+His habits were as regular as his person. He daily took his four stated
+meals, appropriating exactly an hour to each; he smoked and doubted
+eight hours, and he slept the remaining twelve of the four-and-twenty.
+Such was the renowned Wouter Van Twillerï--a true philosopher, for his
+mind was either elevated above, or tranquilly settled below, the cares
+and perplexities of this world. He had lived in it for years, without
+feeling the least curiosity to know whether the sun revolved round it,
+or it round the sun; and he had watched for at least half a century the
+smoke curling from his pipe to the ceiling, without once troubling his
+head with any of those numerous theories by which a philosopher would
+have perplexed his brain, in accounting for its rising above the
+surrounding atmosphere.
+
+In his council he presided with great state and solemnity. He sat in a
+huge chair of solid oak, hewn in the celebrated forest of the Hague,
+fabricated by an experienced timmerman of Amsterdam, and curiously
+carved about the arms and feet into exact imitations of gigantic eagle's
+claws. Instead of a scepter, he swayed a long Turkish pipe, wrought with
+jasmine and amber, which had been presented to a stadtholder of
+Holland at the conclusion of a treaty with one of the petty Barbary
+powers. In this stately chair would he sit, and this magnificent pipe
+would he smoke, shaking his right knee with a constant motion, and
+fixing his eye for hours together upon a little print of Amsterdam which
+hung in a black frame against the opposite wall of the council chamber.
+Nay, it has even been said that when any deliberation of extraordinary
+length and intricacy was on the carpet, the renowned Wouter would shut
+his eyes for full two hours at a time, that he might not be disturbed by
+external objects; and at such times the internal commotion of his mind
+was evinced by certain regular guttural sounds, which his admirers
+declared were merely the noise of conflict made by his contending doubts
+and opinions.
+
+It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled to collect these
+biographical anecdotes of the great man under consideration. The facts
+respecting him were so scattered and vague, and divers of them so
+questionable in point of authenticity, that I have had to give up the
+search after many, and decline the admission of still more, which would
+have tended to heighten the coloring of his portrait.
+
+I have been the more anxious to delineate fully the person and habits of
+Wouter Van Twiller, from the consideration that he was not only the
+first but also the best Governor that ever presided over this ancient
+and respectable province; and so tranquil and benevolent was his reign,
+that I do not find throughout the whole of it a single instance of any
+offender being brought to punishment--a most indubitable sign of a
+merciful Governor, and a case unparalleled, excepting in the reign of
+the illustrious King Log, from whom, it is hinted, the renowned Van
+Twiller was a lineal descendant.
+
+The very outset of the career of this excellent magistrate was
+distinguished by an example of legal acumen that gave flattering presage
+of a wise and equitable administration. The morning after he had been
+installed in office, and at the moment that he was making his breakfast
+from a prodigious earthen dish, filled with milk and Indian pudding, he
+was interrupted by the appearance of Wandle Schoonhoven, a very
+important old burgher of New Amsterdam, who complained bitterly of one
+Barent Bleecker, inasmuch as he refused to come to a settlement of
+accounts, seeing that there was a heavy balance in favor of the said
+Wandle. Governor Van Twiller, as I have already observed, was a man of
+few words; he was likewise a mortal enemy to multiplying writings--or
+being disturbed at his breakfast. Having listened attentively to the
+statement of Wandle Schoonhoven, giving an occasional grunt, as he
+shoveled a spoonful of Indian pudding into his mouth--either as a sign
+that he relished the dish, or comprehended the story--he called unto him
+his constable, and pulling out of his breeches pocket a huge jack-knife,
+despatched it after the defendant as a summons, accompanied by his
+tobacco-box as a warrant.
+
+This summary process was as effectual in those simple days as was the
+seal-ring of the great Haroun Alraschid among the true believers. The
+two parties being confronted before him, each produced a book of
+accounts, written in a language and character that would have puzzled
+any but a High-Dutch commentator or a learned decipherer of Egyptian
+obelisks. The sage Wouter took them one after the other, and having
+poised them in his hands and attentively counted over the number of
+leaves, fell straightway into a very great doubt, and smoked for half an
+hour without saying a word; at length, laying his finger beside his nose
+and shutting his eyes for a moment, with the air of a man who has just
+caught a subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe from his
+mouth, puffed forth a column of tobacco smoke, and with marvelous
+gravity and solemnity pronounced, that, having carefully counted over
+the leaves and weighed the books, it was found that one was just as
+thick and as heavy as the other; therefore, it was the final opinion of
+the court that the accounts were equally balanced: therefore, Wandle
+should give Barent a receipt, and Barent should give Wandle a receipt,
+and the constable should pay the costs.
+
+This decision, being straightway made known, diffused general joy
+throughout New Amsterdam, for the people immediately perceived that they
+had a very wise and equitable magistrate to rule over them. But its
+happiest effect was that not another lawsuit took place throughout the
+whole of his administration; and the office of constable fell into such
+decay that there was not one of those losel scouts known in the province
+for many years. I am the more particular in dwelling on this
+transaction, not only because I deem it one of the most sage and
+righteous judgments on record, and well worthy the attention of modern
+magistrates, but because it was a miraculous event in the history of the
+renowned Wouter--being the only time he was ever known to come to a
+decision in the whole course of his life.
+
+
+WILHELMUS KIEFT
+
+As some sleek ox, sunk in the rich repose of a clover field, dozing and
+chewing the cud, will bear repeated blows before it raises itself, so
+the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, having waxed fat under the drowsy
+reign of the Doubter, needed cuffs and kicks to rouse it into action.
+The reader will now witness the manner in which a peaceful community
+advances toward a state of war; which is apt to be like the approach of
+a horse to a drum, with much prancing and little progress, and too often
+with the wrong end foremost.
+
+Wilhelmus Kieft, who in 1634 ascended the gubernatorial chair (to borrow
+a favorite though clumsy appellation of modern phraseologists), was of a
+lofty descent, his father being inspector of windmills in the ancient
+town of Saardam; and our hero, we are told, when a boy, made very
+curious investigations into the nature and operations of these machines,
+which was one reason why he afterward came to be so ingenious a
+Governor. His name, according to the most authentic etymologists, was a
+corruption of Kyver--that is to say, a _wrangler_ or _scolder_, and
+expressed the characteristic of his family, which, for nearly two
+centuries, have kept the windy town of Saardam in hot water and produced
+more tartars and brimstones than any ten families in the place; and so
+truly did he inherit this family peculiarity, that he had not been a
+year in the government of the province before he was universally
+denominated William the Testy. His appearance answered to his name. He
+was a brisk, wiry, waspish little old gentleman, such a one as may now
+and then be seen stumping about our city in a broad-skirted coat with
+huge buttons, a cocked hat stuck on the back of his head, and a cane as
+high as his chin. His face was broad, but his features were sharp; his
+cheeks were scorched into a dusky red by two fiery little gray eyes, his
+nose turned up, and the corners of his mouth turned down, pretty much
+like the muzzle of an irritable pug-dog.
+
+I have heard it observed by a profound adept in human physiology, that
+if a woman waxes fat with the progress of years, her tenure of life is
+somewhat precarious, but if haply she withers as she grows old, she
+lives forever. Such promised to be the case with William the Testy, who
+grew tough in proportion as he dried. He had withered, in fact, not
+through the process of years, but through the tropical fervor of his
+soul, which burnt like a vehement rush-light in his bosom, inciting him
+to incessant broils and bickerings. Ancient tradition speaks much of his
+learning, and of the gallant inroads he had made into the dead
+languages, in which he had made captive a host of Greek nouns and Latin
+verbs, and brought off rich booty in ancient saws and apothegms, which
+he was wont to parade in his public harangues, as a triumphant general
+of yore his _spolia opima_. Of metaphysics he knew enough to confound
+all hearers and himself into the bargain. In logic he knew the whole
+family of syllogisms and dilemmas, and was so proud of his skill that he
+never suffered even a self-evident fact to pass unargued. It was
+observed, however, that he seldom got into an argument without getting
+into a perplexity, and then into a passion with his adversary for not
+being convinced gratis.
+
+He had, moreover, skirmished smartly on the frontiers of several of the
+sciences, was fond of experimental philosophy, and prided himself upon
+inventions of all kinds. His abode, which he had fixed at a Bowerie or
+country-seat at a short distance from the city, just at what is now
+called Dutch Street, soon abounded with proofs of his ingenuity: patent
+smoke-jacks that required a horse to work them; Dutch ovens that roasted
+meat without fire; carts that went before the horses; weathercocks that
+turned against the wind; and other wrong-headed contrivances that
+astonished and confounded all beholders. The house, too, was beset with
+paralytic cats and dogs, the subjects of his experimental philosophy;
+and the yelling and yelping of the latter unhappy victims of science,
+while aiding in the pursuit of knowledge, soon gained for the place the
+name of "Dog's Misery," by which it continues to be known even at the
+present day.
+
+It is in knowledge as in swimming: he who flounders and splashes on the
+surface makes more noise, and attracts more attention, than the
+pearl-diver who quietly dives in quest of treasures to the bottom. The
+vast acquirements of the new Governor were the theme of marvel among the
+simple burghers of New Amsterdam; he figured about the place as learned
+a man as a Bonze at Pekin, who had mastered one-half of the Chinese
+alphabet, and was unanimously pronounced a "universal genius!" ...
+
+Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the reign of William the Testy;
+for henceforth, in the troubles, perplexities and confusion of the
+times, he seems to have been totally overlooked, and to have slipped
+forever through the fingers of scrupulous history....
+
+It is true that certain of the early provincial poets, of whom there
+were great numbers in the Nieuw Nederlandts, taking advantage of his
+mysterious exit, have fabled that, like Romulus, he was translated to
+the skies, and forms a very fiery little star somewhere on the left claw
+of the Crab; while others, equally fanciful, declare that he had
+experienced a fate similar to that of the good King Arthur, who, we are
+assured by ancient bards, was carried away to the delicious abodes of
+fairy-land, where he still exists in pristine worth and vigor, and will
+one day or another return to restore the gallantry, the honor and the
+immaculate probity which prevailed in the glorious days of the Round
+Table.
+
+All these, however, are but pleasing fantasies, the cobweb visions of
+those dreaming varlets, the poets, to which I would not have my
+judicious readers attach any credibility. Neither am I disposed to
+credit an ancient and rather apocryphal historian who asserts that the
+ingenious Wilhelmus was annihilated by the blowing down of one of his
+windmills; nor a writer of latter times, who affirms that he fell a
+victim to an experiment in natural history, having the misfortune to
+break his neck from a garret window of the stadthouse in attempting to
+catch swallows by sprinkling salt upon their tails. Still less do I put
+my faith in the tradition that he perished at sea in conveying home to
+Holland a treasure of golden ore, discovered somewhere among the haunted
+regions of the Catskill Mountains.
+
+The most probable account declares that, what with the constant troubles
+on his frontiers, the incessant schemings and projects going on in his
+own pericranium, the memorials, petitions, remonstrances and sage pieces
+of advice of respectable meetings of the sovereign people, and the
+refractory disposition of his councilors, who were sure to differ from
+him on every point and uniformly to be in the wrong, his mind was kept
+in a furnace-heat until he became as completely burnt out as a Dutch
+family pipe which has passed through three generations of hard smokers.
+In this manner did he undergo a kind of animal combustion, consuming
+away like a farthing rush-light; so that when grim death finally snuffed
+him out there was scarce left enough of him to bury.
+
+
+PETER STUYVESANT
+
+Peter Stuyvesant was the last, and, like the renowned Wouter Van
+Twiller, the best of our ancient Dutch Governors, Wouter having
+surpassed all who preceded him, and Peter, or Piet, as he was sociably
+called by the old Dutch burghers, who were ever prone to familiarize
+names, having never been equaled by any successor. He was in fact the
+very man fitted by nature to retrieve the desperate fortunes of her
+beloved province, had not the Fates, those most potent and unrelenting
+of all ancient spinsters, destined them to inextricable confusion.
+
+To say merely that he was a hero would be doing him great injustice; he
+was in truth a combination of heroes; for he was of a sturdy, raw-boned
+make, like Ajax Telamon, with a pair of round shoulders that Hercules
+would have given his hide for (meaning his lion's hide) when he
+undertook to ease old Atlas of his load. He was, moreover, as Plutarch
+describes Coriolanus, not only terrible for the force of his arm, but
+likewise of his voice, which sounded as though it came out of a barrel;
+and, like the self-same warrior, he possessed a sovereign contempt for
+the sovereign people, and an iron aspect which was enough of itself to
+make the very bowels of his adversaries quake with terror and dismay.
+All this martial excellency of appearance was inexpressibly heightened
+by an accidental advantage, with which I am surprised that neither Homer
+nor Virgil have graced any of their heroes. This was nothing less than a
+wooden leg, which was the only prize he had gained in bravely fighting
+the battles of his country, but of which he was so proud that he was
+often heard to declare he valued it more than all his other limbs put
+together: indeed, so highly did he esteem it that he had it gallantly
+enchased and relieved with silver devices, which caused it to be related
+in divers histories and legends that he wore a silver leg.
+
+
+ANTONY VAN CORLEAR
+
+The very first movements of the great Peter, on taking the reins of
+government, displayed his magnanimity, though they occasioned not a
+little marvel and uneasiness among the people of the Manhattoes. Finding
+himself constantly interrupted by the opposition, and annoyed by the
+advice of his privy council, the members of which had acquired the
+unreasonable habit of thinking and speaking for themselves during the
+preceding reign, he determined at once to put a stop to such grievous
+abominations. Scarcely, therefore, had he entered upon his authority,
+than he turned out of office all the meddlesome spirits of the factious
+cabinet of William the Testy; in place of whom he chose unto himself
+counselors from those fat, somniferous, respectable burghers who had
+flourished and slumbered under the easy reign of Walter the Doubter. All
+these he caused to be furnished with abundance of fair long pipes, and
+to be regaled with frequent corporation dinners, admonishing them to
+smoke, and eat, and sleep for the good of the nation, while he took the
+burden of government upon his own shoulders--an arrangement to which
+they all gave hearty acquiescence.
+
+Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous rout among the inventions and
+expedients of his learned predecessor, rooting up his patent gallows,
+where caitiff vagabonds were suspended by the waistband; demolishing his
+flag-staffs and windmills, which, like mighty giants, guarded the
+ramparts of New Amsterdam; pitching to the duyvel whole batteries of
+Quaker guns; and, in a word, turning topsy-turvy the whole philosophic,
+economic and windmill system of the immortal sage of Saardam.
+
+The honest folks of New Amsterdam began to quake now for the fate of
+their matchless champion, Antony the Trumpeter, who had acquired
+prodigious favor in the eyes of the women by means of his whiskers and
+his trumpet. Him did Peter the Headstrong cause to be brought into his
+presence, and eying him for a moment from head to foot, with a
+countenance that would have appalled anything else than a sounder of
+brass--"Pr'ythee, who and what art thou?" said he.
+
+"Sire," replied the other, in no wise dismayed, "for my name, it is
+Antony Van Corlear; for my parentage, I am the son of my mother; for my
+profession, I am champion and garrison of this great city of New
+Amsterdam." "I doubt me much," said Peter Stuyvesant, "that thou art
+some scurvy costard-monger knave. How didst thou acquire this paramount
+honor and dignity?" "Marry, sir," replied the other, "like many a great
+man before me, simply _by sounding my own trumpet_." "Ay, is it so?"
+quoth the Governor; "why, then, let us have a relish of thy art."
+Whereupon the good Antony put his instrument to his lips, and sounded a
+charge with such a tremendous outset, such a delectable quaver, and such
+a triumphant cadence, that it was enough to make one's heart leap out of
+one's mouth only to be within a mile of it. Like as a war-worn charger,
+grazing in peaceful plains, starts at a strain of martial music, pricks
+up his ears, and snorts, and paws, and kindles at the noise, so did the
+heroic Peter joy to hear the clangor of the trumpet; for of him might
+truly be said, what was recorded of the renowned St. George of England,
+"there was nothing in all the world that more rejoiced his heart than to
+hear the pleasant sound of war, and see the soldiers brandish forth
+their steeled weapons." Casting his eye more kindly, therefore, upon the
+sturdy Van Corlear, and finding him to be a jovial varlet, shrewd in his
+discourse, yet of great discretion and immeasurable wind, he straightway
+conceived a vast kindness for him, and discharging him from the
+troublesome duty of garrisoning, defending and alarming the city, ever
+after retained him about his person as his chief favorite, confidential
+envoy and trusty squire. Instead of disturbing the city with disastrous
+notes, he was instructed to play so as to delight the Governor while at
+his repasts, as did the minstrels of yore in the days of the glorious
+chivalry--and on all public occasions to rejoice the ears of the people
+with warlike melody thereby keeping alive a noble and martial spirit.
+
+
+GENERAL VAN POFFENBURGH
+
+It is tropically observed by honest old Socrates, that heaven infuses
+into some men at their birth a portion of intellectual gold, into others
+of intellectual silver, while others are intellectually furnished with
+iron and brass. Of the last class was General Van Poffenburgh; and it
+would seem as if dame Nature, who will sometimes be partial, had given
+him brass enough for a dozen ordinary braziers. All this he had
+contrived to pass off upon William the Testy for genuine gold; and the
+little Governor would sit for hours and listen to his gunpowder stories
+of exploits, which left those of Tirante the White, Don Belianis of
+Greece, or St. George and the Dragon quite in the background. Having
+been promoted by William Kieft to the command of his whole disposable
+forces, he gave importance to his station by the grandiloquence of his
+bulletins, always styling himself Commander-in-Chief of the Armies of
+the New Netherlands, though in sober truth these armies were nothing
+more than a handful of hen-stealing, bottle-bruising ragamuffins.
+
+In person he was not very tall, but exceedingly round; neither did his
+bulk proceed from his being fat, but windy, being blown up by a
+prodigious conviction of his own importance, until he resembled one of
+those bags of wind given by Æolus, in an incredible fit of generosity,
+to that vagabond warrior Ulysses. His windy endowments had long excited
+the admiration of Antony Van Corlear, who is said to have hinted more
+than once to William the Testy that in making Van Poffenburgh a general
+he had spoiled an admirable trumpeter.
+
+As it is the practice in ancient story to give the reader a description
+of the arms and equipments of every noted warrior, I will bestow a word
+upon the dress of this redoubtable commander. It comported with his
+character, being so crossed and slashed, and embroidered with lace and
+tinsel, that he seemed to have as much brass without as nature had
+stored away within. He was swathed, too, in a crimson sash, of the size
+and texture of a fishing-net--doubtless to keep his swelling heart from
+bursting through his ribs. His face glowed with furnace-heat from
+between a huge pair of well-powdered whiskers, and his valorous soul
+seemed ready to bounce out of a pair of large, glassy, blinking eyes,
+projecting like those of a lobster.
+
+I swear to thee, worthy reader, if history and tradition belie not this
+warrior, I would give all the money in my pocket to have seen him
+accoutred _cap-á-pie_--booted to the middle, sashed to the chin,
+collared to the ears, whiskered to the teeth, crowned with an
+overshadowing cocked hat, and girded with a leathern belt ten inches
+broad, from which trailed a falchion, of a length that I dare not
+mention. Thus equipped, he strutted about, as bitter-looking a man of
+war as the far-famed More, of Morehall, when he sallied forth to slay
+the dragon of Wantley. For what says the ballad?
+
+  "Had you but seen him in this dress,
+    How fierce he looked and how big,
+  You would have thought him for to be
+    Some Egyptian porcupig.
+  He frighted all--cats, dogs, and all,
+    Each cow, each horse, and each hog;
+  For fear they did flee, for they took him to be
+    Some strange outlandish hedgehog."
+
+  --_Knickerbocker's History of New York._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A friend of mine," said a citizen, "asked me the other evening to go
+and call on some friends of his who had lost the head of the family the
+day previous. He had been an honest old man, a laborer with a pick and
+shovel. While we were with the family an old man entered who had worked
+by his side for years. Expressing his sorrow at the loss of his friend,
+and glancing about the room, he observed a large floral anchor.
+Scrutinizing it closely, he turned to the widow and in a low tone asked,
+'Who sent the pick?'"
+
+While Butler was delivering a speech for the Democrats in Boston during
+an exciting campaign, one of his hearers cried out, "How about the
+spoons, Ben?" Benjamin's good eye twinkled merrily as he replied: "Now,
+don't mention that, please. I was a Republican when I stole those
+spoons."
+
+
+
+
+BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
+
+
+MAXIMS
+
+Never spare the parson's wine, nor the baker's pudding.
+
+A house without woman or firelight is like a body without soul or
+sprite.
+
+Kings and bears often worry their keepers.
+
+Light purse, heavy heart.
+
+He's a fool that makes his doctor his heir.
+
+Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in.
+
+To lengthen thy life, lessen thy meals.
+
+He that drinks fast pays slow.
+
+He is ill-clothed who is bare of virtue.
+
+Beware of meat twice boil'd, and an old foe reconcil'd.
+
+The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of a wise man is in
+his heart.
+
+He that is rich need not live sparingly, and he that can live sparingly
+need not be rich.
+
+He that waits upon fortune is never sure of a dinner.
+
+
+    MODEL OF A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION OF A PERSON YOU ARE UNACQUAINTED
+    WITH
+
+    PARIS, April 2, 1777.
+
+    _Sir_: The bearer of this, who is going to America, presses me to
+    give him a letter of recommendation, though I know nothing of him,
+    not even his name. This may seem extraordinary, but I assure you it
+    is not uncommon here. Sometimes, indeed, one unknown person brings
+    another equally unknown, to recommend him; and sometimes they
+    recommend one another! As to this gentleman, I must refer you to
+    himself for his character and merits, with which he is certainly
+    better acquainted than I can possibly be. I recommend him, however,
+    to those civilities which every stranger, of whom one knows no harm,
+    has a right to; and I request you will do him all the favor that, on
+    further acquaintance, you shall find him to deserve. I have the
+    honor to be, etc.
+
+
+EPITAPH FOR HIMSELF
+
+                   THE BODY
+                      OF
+              BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
+      (LIKE THE COVER OF AN OLD BOOK,
+          ITS CONTENTS TORN OUT,
+  AND STRIPT OF ITS LETTERING AND GILDING),
+          LIES HERE FOOD FOR WORMS;
+   YET THE WORK ITSELF SHALL NOT BE LOST,
+ FOR IT WILL (AS HE BELIEVED) APPEAR ONCE MORE
+                     IN A NEW
+          AND MORE BEAUTIFUL EDITION
+             CORRECTED AND AMENDED
+                     BY
+                  THE AUTHOR.
+
+
+WHY HE LEFT
+
+Mr. Dickson, a colored barber in a large New England town, was shaving
+one of his customers, a respectable citizen, one morning, when a
+conversation occurred between them respecting Mr. Dickson's former
+connection with a colored church in that place:
+
+"I believe you are connected with the church in Elm Street, are you not,
+Mr. Dickson?" said the customer.
+
+"No, sah, not at all."
+
+"What! are you not a member of the African church?"
+
+"Not dis year, sah."
+
+"Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Dickson, if I may be permitted
+to ask?"
+
+"Well, I'll tell you, sah," said Mr. Dickson, stropping a concave razor
+on the palm of his hand, "it was just like dis. I jined de church in
+good fait'; I gave ten dollars toward the stated gospil de first year,
+and de church people call me '_Brudder_ Dickson'; de second year my
+business not so good, and I gib only _five_ dollars. That year the
+people call me '_Mr._ Dickson.' Dis razor hurt you, sah?"
+
+"No, the razor goes tolerably well."
+
+"Well, sah, de third year I feel berry poor; had sickness in my family;
+I didn't gib _noffin_' for preachin'. Well, sah, arter dat dey call me
+'_dat old nigger Dickson_'--and I left 'em."
+
+
+
+
+WILLIAM ALLEN BUTLER
+
+
+NOTHING TO WEAR
+
+  Miss Flora M'Flimsey, of Madison Square,
+  Has made three separate journeys to Paris,
+  And her father assures me, each time she was there,
+  That she and her friend, Mrs. Harris
+  (Not the lady whose name is so famous in history,
+  But plain Mrs. H., without romance or mystery),
+  Spent six consecutive weeks, without stopping,
+  In one continuous round of shopping--
+  Shopping alone, and shopping together,
+  At all hours of the day, and in all sorts of weather,
+  For all manner of things that a woman can put
+  On the crown of her head, or the sole of her foot,
+  Or wrap round her shoulders, or fit round her waist,
+  Or that can be sewed on, or pinned on, or laced,
+  Or tied on with a string, or stitched on with a bow
+  In front or behind, above or below;
+  For bonnets, mantillas, capes, collars and shawls;
+  Dresses for breakfasts, and dinners, and balls;
+  Dresses to sit in, and stand in, and walk in;
+  Dresses to dance in, and flirt in, and talk in;
+  Dresses in which to do nothing at all;
+  Dresses for winter, spring, summer and fall;
+  All of them different in color and shape,
+  Silk, muslin and lace, velvet, satin and crape,
+  Brocade and broadcloth, and other material,
+  Quite as expensive and much more ethereal;
+  In short, for all things that could ever be thought of,
+  Or milliner, _modiste_ or tradesman be bought of,
+    From ten-thousand-franc robes to twenty-sous frills;
+  In all quarters of Paris, and to every store,
+  While M'Flimsey in vain stormed, scolded and swore,
+    They footed the streets, and he footed the bills!
+
+  The last trip, their goods shipped by the steamer _Arago_,
+  Formed, M'Flimsey declares, the bulk of her cargo,
+  Not to mention a quantity kept from the rest,
+  Sufficient to fill the largest-sized chest,
+  Which did not appear on the ship's manifest,
+  But for which the ladies themselves manifested
+  Such particular interest, that they invested
+  Their own proper persons in layers and rows
+  Of muslins, embroideries, worked underclothes,
+  Gloves, handkerchiefs, scarfs, and such trifles as those;
+  Then, wrapped in great shawls, like Circassian beauties,
+  Gave _good-by_ to the ship, and _go by_ to the duties.
+  Her relations at home all marveled, no doubt,
+  Miss Flora had grown so enormously stout
+    For an actual belle and a possible bride;
+  But the miracle ceased when she turned inside out,
+    And the truth came to light, and the dry-goods besides,
+  Which, in spite of Collector and Custom-House sentry,
+  Had entered the port without any entry.
+
+  And yet, though scarce three months have passed since the day
+  This merchandise went, on twelve carts, up Broadway,
+  This same Miss M'Flimsey of Madison Square,
+  The last time we met was in utter despair,
+  Because she had nothing whatever to wear!
+
+  Nothing to wear! Now, as this is a true ditty,
+    I do not assert--this, you know, is between us--
+  That she's in a state of absolute nudity,
+    Like Powers's Greek Slave or the Medici Venus;
+  But I do mean to say, I have heard her declare,
+    When at the same moment she had on a dress
+    Which cost five hundred dollars, and not a cent less,
+    And jewelry worth ten times more, I should guess,
+  That she had not a thing in the wide world to wear!
+
+  I should mention just here, that out of Miss Flora's
+  Two hundred and fifty or sixty adorers,
+  I had just been selected as he who should throw all
+  The rest in the shade, by the gracious bestowal
+  On myself, after twenty or thirty rejections,
+  Of those fossil remains which she called her "affections,"
+  And that rather decayed but well-known work of art
+  Which Miss Flora persisted in styling her "heart."
+  So we were engaged. Our troth had been plighted,
+  Not by moonbeam or starbeam, by fountain or grove,
+  But in a front parlor, most brilliantly lighted,
+  Beneath the gas-fixtures, we whispered our love.
+  Without any romance, or raptures, or sighs,
+  Without any tears in Miss Flora's blue eyes,
+  Or blushes, or transports, or such silly actions,
+  It was one of the quietest business transactions,
+  With a very small sprinkling of sentiment, if any,
+  And a very large diamond imported by Tiffany.
+  On her virginal lips, while I printed a kiss,
+  She exclaimed, as a sort of parenthesis,
+  And by way of putting me quite at my ease,
+  "You know I'm to polka as much as I please,
+  And flirt when I like--now, stop, don't you speak--
+  And you must not come here more than twice in the week,
+  Or talk to me either at party or ball,
+  But always be ready to come when I call;
+  So don't prose to me about duty and stuff,
+  If we don't break this off, there will be time enough
+  For that sort of thing; but the bargain must be
+  That, as long as I choose, I am perfectly free--
+  For this is a kind of engagement, you see,
+  Which is binding on you, but not binding on me."
+
+  Well, having thus wooed Miss M'Flimsey and gained her,
+  With the silks, crinolines, and hoops that contained her,
+  I had, as I thought, a contingent remainder
+  At least in the property, and the best right
+  To appear as its escort by day and by night;
+  And it being the week of the Stuckups' grand ball--
+    Their cards had been out a fortnight or so,
+    And set all the Avenue on the tiptoe--
+  I considered it only my duty to call,
+    And see if Miss Flora intended to go.
+  I found her--as ladies are apt to be found,
+  When the time intervening between the first sound
+  Of the bell and the visitor's entry is shorter
+  Than usual--I found; I won't say--I caught her,
+  Intent on the pier-glass, undoubtedly meaning
+  To see if perhaps it didn't need cleaning.
+  She turned as I entered--"Why, Harry, you sinner,
+  I thought that you went to the Flashers' to dinner!"
+  "So I did," I replied; "the dinner is swallowed,
+    And digested, I trust, for 'tis now nine and more,
+  So, being relieved from that duty, I followed
+    Inclination, which led me, you see, to your door;
+  And now will your ladyship so condescend
+  As just to inform me if you intend
+  Your beauty, and graces, and presence to lend
+  (All of which, when I own, I hope no one will borrow)
+  To the Stuckups', whose party, you know, is to-morrow?"
+  The fair Flora looked up, with a pitiful air,
+  And answered quite promptly, "Why, Harry, _mon cher_,
+  I should like above all things to go with you there,
+  But really and truly--I've nothing to wear."
+  "Nothing to wear! Go just as you are;
+  Wear the dress you have on, and you'll be by far,
+  I engage, the most bright and particular star
+    On the Stuckup horizon----" I stopped, for her eye,
+  Notwithstanding this delicate onset of flattery,
+  Opened on me at once a most terrible battery
+    Of scorn and amazement. She made no reply,
+  But gave a slight turn to the end of her nose
+    (That pure Grecian feature), as much as to say,
+  "How absurd that any sane man should suppose
+  That a lady would go to a ball in the clothes,
+    No matter how fine, that she wears every day!"
+  So I ventured again: "Wear your crimson brocade;"
+  (Second turn up of nose)--"That's too dark by a shade."
+  "Your blue silk"--"That's too heavy." "Your pink"--"That's too light."
+  "Wear tulle over satin"--"I can't endure white."
+  "Your rose-colored, then, the best of the batch"--
+  "I haven't a thread of point-lace to match."
+  "Your brown _moire antique_"--"Yes, and look like a Quaker."
+  "The pearl-colored"--"I would, but that plaguy dressmaker
+  Has had it a week." "Then that exquisite lilac,
+  In which you would melt the heart of a Shylock;"
+  (Here the nose took again the same elevation)--
+  "I wouldn't wear that for the whole of creation."
+    "Why not? It's my fancy, there's nothing could strike it
+  As more _comme it faut_"--"Yes, but, dear me, that lean
+    Sophronia Stuckup has got one just like it,
+  And I won't appear dressed like a chit of sixteen."
+  "Then that splendid purple, the sweet Mazarine;
+  That superb _point d'aiguille_, that imperial green,
+  That zephyr-like tarletan, that rich _grenadine_"--
+  "Not one of all which is fit to be seen,"
+  Said the lady, becoming excited and flushed.
+  "Then wear," I exclaimed, in a tone which quite crushed
+  Opposition, "that gorgeous _toilette_ which you sported
+  In Paris last spring, at the grand presentation,
+  When you quite turned the head of the head of the nation,
+    And by all the grand court were so very much courted."
+    The end of the nose was portentously tipped up
+  And both the bright eyes shot forth indignation,
+  As she burst upon me with the fierce exclamation,
+  "I have worn it three times, at the least calculation,
+    And that and most of my dresses are ripped up!"
+  Here I _ripped out_ something, perhaps rather rash,
+    Quite innocent, though; but to use an expression
+  More striking than classic, it "settled my hash,"
+    And proved very soon the last act of our session.
+  "Fiddlesticks, is it, sir? I wonder the ceiling
+  Doesn't fall down and crush you--you men have no feeling;
+  You selfish, unnatural, illiberal creatures,
+  Who set yourselves up as patterns and preachers,
+  Your silly pretense--why, what a mere guess it is!
+  Pray, what do you know of a woman's necessities?
+  I have told you and shown you I've nothing to wear,
+  And it's perfectly plain you not only don't care,
+  But you do not believe me" (here the nose went still higher).
+  "I suppose, if you dared, you would call me a liar.
+  Our engagement is ended, sir--yes, on the spot;
+  You're a brute, and a monster, and--I don't know what."
+  I mildly suggested the words Hottentot,
+  Pickpocket, and cannibal, Tartar, and thief,
+  As gentle expletives which might give relief;
+  But this only proved as a spark to the powder,
+  And the storm I had raised came faster and louder;
+  It blew and it rained, thundered, lightened and hailed
+  Interjections, verbs, pronouns, till language quite failed
+  To express the abusive, and then its arrears
+  Were brought up all at once by a torrent of tears,
+  And my last faint, despairing attempt at an obs-
+  Ervation was lost in a tempest of sobs.
+
+  Well, I felt for the lady, and felt for my hat, too,
+  Improvised on the crown of the latter a tattoo,
+  In lieu of expressing the feelings which lay
+  Quite too deep for words, as Wordsworth would say;
+  Then, without going through the form of a bow,
+  Found myself in the entry--I hardly know how,
+  On doorstep and sidewalk, past lamp-post and square,
+  At home and upstairs, in my own easy-chair;
+    Poked my feet into slippers, my fire into blaze,
+  And said to myself, as I lit my cigar,
+  "Supposing a man had the wealth of the Czar
+    Of the Russias to boot, for the rest of his days,
+  On the whole, do you think he would have much to spare,
+  If he married a woman with nothing to wear?"
+
+  Since that night, taking pains that it should not be bruited
+  Abroad in society, I've instituted
+  A course of inquiry, extensive and thorough,
+  On this vital subject, and find, to my horror,
+  That the fair Flora's case is by no means surprising,
+    But that there exists the greatest distress
+  In our female community, solely arising
+    From this unsupplied destitution of dress,
+  Whose unfortunate victims are filling the air
+  With the pitiful wail of "Nothing to wear."
+
+  Researches in some of the "Upper Ten" districts
+  Reveal the most painful and startling statistics,
+  Of which let me mention only a few:
+  In one single house on the Fifth Avenue,
+  Three young ladies were found, all below twenty-two,
+  Who have been three whole weeks without anything new
+  In the way of flounced silks, and thus left in the lurch,
+  Are unable to go to ball, concert or church.
+  In another large mansion near the same place
+  Was found a deplorable, heartrending case
+  Of entire destitution of Brussels point-lace.
+  In a neighboring block there was found, in three calls,
+  Total want, long continued, of camel's-hair shawls;
+  And a suffering family, whose case exhibits
+  The most pressing need of real ermine tippets;
+  One deserving young lady almost unable
+  To survive for the want of a new Russian sable;
+  Still another, whose tortures have been most terrific
+  Ever since the sad loss of the steamer _Pacific_,
+  In which were engulfed, not friend or relation
+  (For whose fate she, perhaps, might have found consolation,
+  Or borne it, at least, with serene resignation),
+  But the choicest assortment of French sleeves and collars
+  Ever sent out from Paris, worth thousands of dollars,
+  And all as to style most _recherché_ and rare,
+  The want of which leaves her with nothing to wear,
+  And renders her life so drear and dyspeptic
+  That she's quite a recluse, and almost a skeptic,
+  For she touchingly says that this sort of grief
+  Cannot find in Religion the slightest relief,
+  And Philosophy has not a maxim to spare
+  For the victims of such overwhelming despair.
+  But the saddest, by far, of all these sad features,
+  Is the cruelty practised upon the poor creatures
+  By husbands and fathers, real Bluebeards and Timons,
+  Who resist the most touching appeals made for diamonds
+  By their wives and their daughters, and leave them for days
+  Unsupplied with new jewelry, fans or bouquets,
+  Even laugh at their miseries whenever they have a chance,
+  And deride their demands as useless extravagance.
+  One case of a bride was brought to my view,
+  Too sad for belief, but alas! 'twas too true,
+  Whose husband refused, as savage as Charon,
+  To permit her to take more than ten trunks to Sharon.
+  The consequence was, that when she got there,
+  At the end of three weeks she had nothing to wear;
+  And when she proposed to finish the season
+  At Newport, the monster refused, out and out,
+  For his infamous conduct alleging no reason,
+  Except that the waters were good for his gout;
+  Such treatment as this was too shocking, of course,
+  And proceedings are now going on for divorce.
+
+  But why harrow the feelings by lifting the curtain
+  From these scenes of woe? Enough, it is certain,
+  Has here been disclosed to stir up the pity
+  Of every benevolent heart in the city,
+  And spur up humanity into a canter
+  To rush and relieve these sad cases instanter.
+  Won't somebody, moved by this touching description,
+  Come forward to-morrow and head a subscription?
+  Won't some kind philanthropist, seeing that aid is
+  So needed at once by these indigent ladies,
+  Take charge of the matter? Or won't Peter Cooper
+  The corner-stone lay of some new splendid super-
+  Structure, like that which to-day links his name
+  In the Union unending of Honor and Fame,
+  And found a new charity just for the care
+  Of these unhappy women with nothing to wear,
+  Which, in view of the cash which would daily be claimed,
+  The _Laying-out_ Hospital well might be named?
+  Won't Stewart, or some of our dry-goods importers,
+  Take a contract for clothing our wives and our daughters?
+  Or, to furnish the cash to supply these distresses,
+  And life's pathway strew with shawls, collars and dresses,
+  Ere the want of them makes it much rougher and thornier,
+  Won't some one discover a new California?
+  O! ladies, dear ladies, the next sunny day,
+  Please trundle your hoops just out of Broadway,
+  From its swirl and its bustle, its fashion and pride
+  And the temples of Trade which tower on each side,
+  To the alleys and lanes, where Misfortune and Guilt
+  Their children have gathered, their city have built;
+  Where Hunger and Vice, like twin beasts of prey,
+    Have hunted their victims to gloom and despair;
+  Raise the rich, dainty dress, and the fine broidered skirt,
+  Pick your delicate way through the dampness and dirt.
+    Grope through the dark dens, climb the rickety stair
+  To the garret, where wretches, the young and the old,
+  Half starved and half naked, lie crouched from the cold;
+  See those skeleton limbs, those frost-bitten feet,
+  All bleeding and bruised by the stones of the street;
+  Hear the sharp cry of childhood, the deep groans that swell
+    From the poor dying creature who writhes on the floor;
+  Hear the curses that sound like the echoes of Hell,
+    As you sicken and shudder and fly from the door;
+  Then home to your wardrobes, and say, if you dare--
+  Spoiled children of fashion--you've nothing to wear!
+
+  And O! if perchance there should be a sphere
+  Where all is made right which so puzzles us here,
+  Where the glare and the glitter and tinsel of Time
+  Fade and die in the light of that region sublime,
+  Where the soul, disenchanted of flesh and of sense,
+  Unscreened by its trappings and shows and pretense,
+  Must be clothed for the life and the service above,
+  With purity, truth, faith, meekness and love,
+  O daughters of Earth! foolish virgins, beware!
+  Lest in that upper realm you have nothing to wear!
+
+
+A BOY'S ESSAY ON GIRLS
+
+"Girls are very stuckup and dignefied in their manner and behaveyour.
+They think more of dress than anything and like to play with dowls and
+rags. They cry if they see a cow in afar distance and are afraid of
+guns. They stay at home all the time and go to Church every Sunday. They
+are al-ways sick. They are al-ways funy and making fun of boys hands and
+they say how dirty. They cant play marbles. I pity them poor things.
+They make fun of boys and then turn round and love them. I dont beleave
+they ever kiled a cat or any thing. They look out every nite and say oh
+ant the moon lovely. Thir is one thing I have not told and that is they
+al-ways now their lessons bettern boys."
+
+
+
+
+HENRY WARD BEECHER
+
+
+DEACON MARBLE
+
+How they ever made a deacon out of Jerry Marble I never could imagine!
+His was the kindest heart that ever bubbled and ran over. He was
+elastic, tough, incessantly active, and a prodigious worker. He seemed
+never to tire, but after the longest day's toil, he sprang up the moment
+he had done with work, as if he were a fine steel spring. A few hours'
+sleep sufficed him, and he saw the morning stars the year round. His
+weazened face was leather color, but forever dimpling and changing to
+keep some sort of congruity between itself and his eyes, that winked and
+blinked and spilled over with merry good nature. He always seemed
+afflicted when obliged to be sober. He had been known to laugh in
+meeting on several occasions, although he ran his face behind his
+handkerchief, and coughed, as if _that_ was the matter, yet nobody
+believed it. Once, in a hot summer day, he saw Deacon Trowbridge, a
+sober and fat man, of great sobriety, gradually ascending from the
+bodily state into that spiritual condition called sleep. He was
+blameless of the act. He had struggled against the temptation with the
+whole virtue of a deacon. He had eaten two or three heads of fennel in
+vain, and a piece of orange peel. He had stirred himself up, and fixed
+his eyes on the minister with intense firmness, only to have them grow
+gradually narrower and milder. If he held his head up firmly, it would
+with a sudden lapse fall away over backward. If he leaned it a little
+forward, it would drop suddenly into his bosom. At each nod, recovering
+himself, he would nod again, with his eyes wide open, to impress upon
+the boys that he did it on purpose both times.
+
+In what other painful event of life has a good man so little sympathy as
+when overcome with sleep in meeting time? Against the insidious
+seduction he arrays every conceivable resistance. He stands up awhile;
+he pinches himself, or pricks himself with pins. He looks up helplessly
+to the pulpit as if some succor might come thence. He crosses his legs
+uncomfortably, and attempts to recite the catechism or the
+multiplication table. He seizes a languid fan, which treacherously
+leaves him in a calm. He tries to reason, to notice the phenomena. Oh,
+that one could carry his pew to bed with him! What tossing wakefulness
+there! what fiery chase after somnolency! In his lawful bed a man cannot
+sleep, and in his pew he cannot keep awake! Happy man who does not sleep
+in church! Deacon Trowbridge was not that man. Deacon Marble was!
+
+Deacon Marble witnessed the conflict we have sketched above, and when
+good Mr. Trowbridge gave his next lurch, recovering himself with a
+snort, and then drew out a red handkerchief and blew his nose with a
+loud imitation, as if to let the boys know that he had not been asleep,
+poor Deacon Marble was brought to a sore strait. But I have reason to
+think that he would have weathered the stress if it had not been for a
+sweet-faced little boy in the front of the gallery. The lad had been
+innocently watching the same scene, and at its climax laughed out loud,
+with a frank and musical explosion, and then suddenly disappeared
+backward into his mother's lap. That laugh was just too much, and Deacon
+Marble could no more help laughing than could Deacon Trowbridge help
+sleeping. Nor could he conceal it. Though he coughed and put up his
+handkerchief and hemmed--it _was_ a laugh--Deacon!--and every boy in the
+house knew it, and liked you better for it--so inexperienced were
+they.--_Norwood._
+
+
+THE DEACON'S TROUT
+
+He was a curious trout. I believe he knew Sunday just as well as Deacon
+Marble did. At any rate, the Deacon thought the trout meant to aggravate
+him. The Deacon, you know, is a little waggish. He often tells about
+that trout. Says he: "One Sunday morning, just as I got along by the
+willows, I heard an awful splash, and not ten feet from shore I saw the
+trout, as long as my arm, just curving over like a bow and going down
+with something for breakfast. Gracious says I, and I almost jumped out
+of the wagon. But my wife Polly, says she, 'What on airth are you
+thinkin' of, Deacon? It's Sabbath day, and you're goin' to meetin'! It's
+a pretty business for a deacon!' That sort o' cooled me off. But I do
+say that, for about a minute, I wished I wasn't a deacon. But 'twouldn't
+make any difference, for I came down next day to mill on purpose, and I
+came down once or twice more, and nothin' was to be seen, tho' I tried
+him with the most temptin' things. Wal, next Sunday I came along agin,
+and, to save my life I couldn't keep off worldly and wanderin' thoughts.
+I tried to be sayin' my catechism, but I couldn't keep my eyes off the
+pond as we came up to the willows. I'd got along in the catechism, as
+smooth as the road, to the Fourth Commandment, and was sayin' it out
+loud for Polly, and jist as I was sayin': '_What is required in the
+Fourth Commandment?_' I heard a splash, and there was the trout, and,
+afore I could think, I said: 'Gracious, Polly, I must have that trout.'
+She almost riz right up, 'I knew you wa'n't sayin' your catechism
+hearty. Is this the way you answer the question about keepin' the Lord's
+day? I'm ashamed, Deacon Marble,' says she. 'You'd better change your
+road, and go to meetin' on the road over the hill. If I was a deacon, I
+wouldn't let a fish's tail whisk the whole catechism out of my head;'
+and I had to go to meetin' on the hill road all the rest of the
+summer."--_Norwood._
+
+
+THE DOG NOBLE AND THE EMPTY HOLE
+
+The first summer which we spent in Lenox we had along a very intelligent
+dog, named Noble. He was learned in many things, and by his dog-lore
+excited the undying admiration of all the children. But there were some
+things which Noble could never learn. Having on one occasion seen a red
+squirrel run into a hole in a stone wall, he could not be persuaded that
+he was not there forevermore.
+
+Several red squirrels lived close to the house, and had become familiar,
+but not tame. They kept up a regular romp with Noble. They would come
+down from the maple trees with provoking coolness; they would run along
+the fence almost within reach; they would cock their tails and sail
+across the road to the barn; and yet there was such a well-timed
+calculation under all this apparent rashness, that Noble invariably
+arrived at the critical spot just as the squirrel left it.
+
+On one occasion Noble was so close upon his red-backed friend that,
+unable to get up the maple tree, the squirrel dodged into a hole in the
+wall, ran through the chinks, emerged at a little distance, and sprang
+into the tree. The intense enthusiasm of the dog at that hole can hardly
+be described. He filled it full of barking. He pawed and scratched as if
+undermining a bastion. Standing off at a little distance, he would
+pierce the hole with a gaze as intense and fixed as if he were trying
+magnetism on it. Then, with tail extended, and every hair thereon
+electrified, he would rush at the empty hole with a prodigious
+onslaught.
+
+This imaginary squirrel haunted Noble night and day. The very squirrel
+himself would run up before his face into the tree, and, crouched in a
+crotch, would sit silently watching the whole process of bombarding the
+empty hole, with great sobriety and relish. But Noble would allow of no
+doubts. His conviction that that hole had a squirrel in it continued
+unshaken for six weeks. When all other occupations failed, this hole
+remained to him. When there were no more chickens to harry, no pigs to
+bite, no cattle to chase, no children to romp with, no expeditions to
+make with the grown folks, and when he had slept all that his dogskin
+would hold, he would walk out of the yard, yawn and stretch himself, and
+then look wistfully at the hole, as if thinking to himself, "Well, as
+there is nothing else to do, I may as well try that hole again!"--_Eyes
+and Ears._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+N. P. Willis was usually the life of the company he happened to be in.
+His repartee at Mrs. Gales's dinner in Washington is famous. Mrs. Gales
+wrote on a card to her niece, at the other end of the table: "Don't
+flirt so with Nat Willis." She was herself talking vivaciously to a Mr.
+Campbell. Willis wrote the niece's reply:
+
+  "Dear aunt, don't attempt my young feelings to trammel.
+  Nor strain at a Nat while you swallow a Campbell."
+
+
+OLD GRIMES
+
+  Old Grimes is dead; that good old man
+    We never shall see more:
+  He used to wear a long, black coat,
+    All button'd down before.
+
+  His heart was open as the day,
+    His feelings all were true:
+  His hair was some inclined to gray--
+    He wore it in a queue.
+
+  Whene'er he heard the voice of pain,
+    His breast with pity burn'd:
+  The large, round head upon his cane
+    From ivory was turn'd.
+
+  Kind words he ever had for all;
+    He knew no base design:
+  His eyes were dark and rather small,
+    His nose was aquiline.
+
+  He lived at peace with all mankind,
+    In friendship he was true:
+  His coat had pocket-holes behind,
+    His pantaloons were blue.
+
+  Unharm'd, the sin which earth pollutes
+    He pass'd securely o'er,
+  And never wore a pair of boots
+    For thirty years or more.
+
+  But good old Grimes is now at rest,
+    Nor fears misfortune's frown:
+  He wore a double-breasted vest--
+    The stripes ran up and down.
+
+  He modest merit sought to find,
+    And pay it its desert:
+  He had no malice in his mind,
+    No ruffles on his shirt.
+
+  His neighbors he did not abuse--
+    Was sociable and gay:
+  He wore large buckles on his shoes.
+    And changed them every day.
+
+  His knowledge, hid from public gaze,
+    He did not bring to view,
+  Nor made a noise, town-meeting days,
+    As many people do.
+
+  His worldly goods he never threw
+    In trust to fortune's chances,
+  But lived (as all his brothers do)
+    In easy circumstances.
+
+  Thus undisturb'd by anxious cares.
+    His peaceful moments ran;
+  And everybody said he was
+    A fine old gentleman.
+
+
+
+
+ALBERT GORTON GREENE.
+
+
+IDENTIFIED
+
+Nathaniel Hawthorne was a kind-hearted man as well as a great novelist.
+While he was consul at Liverpool a young Yankee walked into his office.
+The boy had left home to seek his fortune, but evidently hadn't found it
+yet, although he had crossed the sea in his search. Homesick,
+friendless, nearly penniless, he wanted a passage home. The clerk said
+Mr. Hawthorne could not be seen, and intimated that the boy was not
+American, but was trying to steal a passage. The boy stuck to his point,
+and the clerk at last went to the little room and said to Mr. Hawthorne:
+"Here's a boy who insists upon seeing you. He says he is an American,
+but I know he isn't." Hawthorne came out of the room and looked keenly
+at the eager, ruddy face of the boy. "You want a passage to America?"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"And you say you're an American?"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"From what part of America?"
+
+"United States, sir."
+
+"What State?"
+
+"New Hampshire, sir."
+
+"Town?"
+
+"Exeter, sir."
+
+Hawthorne looked at him for a minute before asking him the next
+question. "Who sold the best apples in your town?"
+
+"Skim-milk Folsom, sir," said the boy, with glistening eye, as the old
+familiar by-word brought up the dear old scenes of home.
+
+"It's all right," said Hawthorne to the clerk; "give him a passage."
+
+
+ONE BETTER
+
+Long after the victories of Washington over the French and English had
+made his name familiar to all Europe, Doctor Franklin chanced to dine
+with the English and French Ambassadors, when, as nearly as the precise
+words can be recollected, the following toasts were drunk:
+
+"England'--The _Sun_, whose bright beams enlighten and fructify the
+remotest corners of the earth."
+
+The French Ambassador, filled with national pride, but too polite to
+dispute the previous toast, drank the following:
+
+"France'--The _Moon_, whose mild, steady and cheering rays are the
+delight of all nations, consoling them in darkness and making their
+dreariness beautiful."
+
+Doctor Franklin then arose, and, with his usual dignified simplicity,
+said:
+
+"George Washington'--The Joshua who commanded the Sun and Moon to stand
+still, and they obeyed him."
+
+
+MY AUNT
+
+  My aunt! my dear unmarried aunt!
+    Long years have o'er her flown;
+  Yet still she strains the aching clasp
+    That binds her virgin zone;
+  I know it hurts her--though she looks
+    As cheerful as she can;
+  Her waist is ampler than her life,
+    For life is but a span.
+
+  My aunt, my poor deluded aunt!
+    Her hair is almost gray;
+  Why will she train that winter curl
+    In such a spring-like way?
+  How can she lay her glasses down,
+    And say she reads as well,
+  When, through a double convex lens,
+    She just makes out to spell?
+
+  Her father--grandpapa! forgive
+    This erring lip its smiles--
+  Vowed she would make the finest girl
+    Within a hundred miles.
+  He sent her to a stylish school;
+    'Twas in her thirteenth June;
+  And with her, as the rules required,
+    "Two towels and a spoon."
+
+  They braced my aunt against a board,
+    To make her straight and tall;
+  They laced her up, they starved her down,
+    To make her light and small;
+  They pinched her feet, they singed her hair,
+    They screwed it up with pins--
+  O never mortal suffered more
+    In penance for her sins.
+
+  So, when my precious aunt was done,
+    My grandsire brought her back
+  (By daylight, lest some rabid youth
+    Might follow on the track);
+  "Ah!" said my grandsire, as he shook
+    Some powder in his pan,
+  "What could this lovely creature do
+    Against a desperate man!"
+
+  Alas! nor chariot, nor barouche,
+    Nor bandit cavalcade
+  Tore from the trembling father's arms
+    His all-accomplished maid.
+  For her how happy had it been!
+    And Heaven had spared to me
+  To see one sad, ungathered rose
+    On my ancestral tree.
+
+  OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES.
+
+
+
+
+N. P. WILLIS
+
+
+MISS ALBINA McLUSH
+
+I have a passion for fat women. If there is anything I hate in life, it
+is what dainty people call a _spirituelle_. Motion--rapid motion--a
+smart, quick, squirrel-like step, a pert, voluble tone--in short, a
+lively girl--is my exquisite horror! I would as lief have a _diable
+petit_ dancing his infernal hornpipe on my cerebellum as to be in the
+room with one. I have tried before now to school myself into liking
+these parched peas of humanity. I have followed them with my eyes, and
+attended to their rattle till I was as crazy as a fly in a drum. I have
+danced with them, and romped with them in the country, and periled the
+salvation of my "white tights" by sitting near them at supper. I swear
+off from this moment. I do. I won't--no--hang me if ever I show another
+small, lively, _spry_ woman a civility.
+
+Albina McLush is divine. She is like the description of the Persian
+beauty by Hafiz: "Her heart is full of passion and her eyes are full of
+sleep." She is the sister of Lurly McLush, my old college chum, who, as
+early as his sophomore year, was chosen president of the _Dolce far
+niente_ Society--no member of which was ever known to be surprised at
+anything--(the college law of rising before breakfast excepted). Lurly
+introduced me to his sister one day, as he was lying upon a heap of
+turnips, leaning on his elbow with his head in his hand, in a green lane
+in the suburbs. He had driven over a stump, and been tossed out of his
+gig, and I came up just as he was wondering how in the D----l's name he
+got there! Albina sat quietly in the gig, and when I was presented,
+requested me, with a delicious drawl, to say nothing about the
+adventure--it would be so troublesome to relate it to everybody! I loved
+her from that moment. Miss McLush was tall, and her shape, of its kind,
+was perfect. It was not a _fleshy_ one exactly, but she was large and
+full. Her skin was clear, fine-grained and transparent; her temples and
+forehead perfectly rounded and polished, and her lips and chin swelling
+into a ripe and tempting pout, like the cleft of a bursted apricot. And
+then her eyes--large, liquid and sleepy--they languished beneath their
+long black fringes as if they had no business with daylight--like two
+magnificent dreams, surprised in their jet embryos by some bird-nesting
+cherub. Oh! it was lovely to look into them!
+
+She sat, usually, upon a _fauteuil_, with her large, full arm embedded
+in the cushion, sometimes for hours without stirring. I have seen the
+wind lift the masses of dark hair from her shoulders when it seemed like
+the coming to life of a marble Hebe--she had been motionless so long.
+She was a model for a goddess of sleep as she sat with her eyes half
+closed, lifting up their superb lids slowly as you spoke to her, and
+dropping them again with the deliberate motion of a cloud, when she had
+murmured out her syllable of assent. Her figure, in a sitting posture,
+presented a gentle declivity from the curve of her neck to the instep of
+the small round foot lying on its side upon the ottoman. I remember a
+fellow's bringing her a plate of fruit one evening. He was one of your
+lively men--a horrid monster, all right angles and activity. Having
+never been accustomed to hold her own plate, she had not well extricated
+her whole fingers from her handkerchief before he set it down in her
+lap. As it began to slide slowly toward her feet, her hand relapsed into
+the muslin folds, and she fixed her eye upon it with a kind of indolent
+surprise, drooping her lids gradually till, as the fruit scattered over
+the ottoman, they closed entirely, and a liquid jet line was alone
+visible through the heavy lashes. There was an imperial indifference in
+it worthy of Juno.
+
+Miss McLush rarely walks. When she does, it is with the deliberate
+majesty of a Dido. Her small, plump feet melt to the ground like
+snowflakes; and her figure sways to the indolent motion of her limbs
+with a glorious grace and yieldingness quite indescribable. She was
+idling slowly up the Mall one evening just at twilight, with a servant
+at a short distance behind her, who, to while away the time between his
+steps, was employing himself in throwing stones at the cows feeding
+upon the Common. A gentleman, with a natural admiration for her splendid
+person, addressed her. He might have done a more eccentric thing.
+Without troubling herself to look at him, she turned to her servant and
+requested him, with a yawn of desperate ennui, to knock that fellow
+down! John obeyed his orders; and, as his mistress resumed her lounge,
+picked up a new handful of pebbles, and tossing one at the nearest cow,
+loitered lazily after.
+
+Such supreme indolence was irresistible. I gave in--I--who never
+before could summon energy to sigh--I--to whom a declaration was
+but a synonym for perspiration--I--who had only thought of love
+as a nervous complaint, and of women but to pray for a good
+deliverance--I--yes--I--knocked under. Albina McLush! Thou wert too
+exquisitely lazy. Human sensibilities cannot hold out forever.
+
+I found her one morning sipping her coffee at twelve, with her eyes wide
+open. She was just from the bath, and her complexion had a soft, dewy
+transparency, like the cheek of Venus rising from the sea. It was the
+hour, Lurly had told me, when she would be at the trouble of thinking.
+She put away with her dimpled forefinger, as I entered, a cluster of
+rich curls that had fallen over her face, and nodded to me like a
+water-lily swaying to the wind when its cup is full of rain.
+
+"Lady Albina," said I, in my softest tone, "how are you?"
+
+"Bettina," said she, addressing her maid in a voice as clouded and rich
+as the south wind on an Æolian, "how am I to-day?"
+
+The conversation fell into short sentences. The dialogue became a
+monologue. I entered upon my declaration. With the assistance of
+Bettina, who supplied her mistress with cologne, I kept her attention
+alive through the incipient circumstances. Symptoms were soon told. I
+came to the avowal. Her hand lay reposing on the arm of the sofa, half
+buried in a muslin _foulard_. I took it up and pressed the cool soft
+fingers to my lips--unforbidden. I rose and looked into her eyes for
+confirmation. Delicious creature! she was asleep!
+
+I never have had courage to renew the subject. Miss McLush seems to have
+forgotten it altogether. Upon reflection, too, I'm convinced she would
+not survive the excitement of the ceremony--unless, indeed, she should
+sleep between the responses and the prayer. I am still devoted, however,
+and if there should come a war or an earthquake, or if the millennium
+should commence, as is expected in 18----, or if anything happens that
+can keep her waking so long, I shall deliver a declaration, abbreviated
+for me by a scholar-friend of mine, which, he warrants, may be
+articulated in fifteen minutes--without fatigue.
+
+
+A SMACK IN SCHOOL
+
+  A district school, not far away,
+  'Mid Berkshire's hills, one winter's day,
+  Was humming with its wonted noise
+  Of threescore mingled girls and boys;
+  Some few upon their tasks intent,
+  But more on furtive mischief bent.
+  The while the master's downward look
+  Was fastened on a copy-book;
+  When suddenly, behind his back,
+  Rose sharp and clear a rousing smack!
+  As 'twere a battery of bliss
+  Let off in one tremendous kiss!
+  "What's that?" the startled master cries;
+  "That, thir," a little imp replies,
+  "Wath William Willith, if you pleathe----
+  I thaw him kith Thuthanna Peathe!"
+  With frown to make a statue thrill,
+  The master thundered, "Hither, Will!"
+  Like wretch o'ertaken in his track,
+  With stolen chattels on his back,
+  Will hung his head in fear and shame,
+  And to the awful presence came----
+  A great, green, bashful simpleton,
+  The butt of all good-natured fun.
+  With smile suppressed, and birch upraised,
+  The thunderer faltered--"I'm amazed
+  That you, my biggest pupil, should
+  Be guilty of an act so rude!
+  Before the whole set school to boot----
+  What evil genius put you to't?"
+  "'Twas she herself, sir," sobbed the lad;
+  "I did not mean to be so bad;
+  But when Susannah shook her curls,
+  And whispered, I was 'fraid of girls
+  And dursn't kiss a baby's doll,
+  I couldn't stand it, sir, at all,
+  But up and kissed her on the spot!
+  I know--boo--hoo--I ought to not,
+  But, somehow, from her looks--boo--hoo----
+  I thought she kind o' wished me to!"
+
+  WILLIAM PITT PALMER.
+
+
+A RENDITION
+
+Two old British sailors were talking over their shore experience. One
+had been to a cathedral and had heard some very fine music, and was
+descanting particularly upon an anthem which gave him much pleasure. His
+shipmate listened for awhile, and then said:
+
+"I say, Bill, what's a hanthem?"
+
+"What," replied Bill, "do you mean to say you don't know what a hanthem
+is?"
+
+"Not me."
+
+"Well, then, I'll tell yer. If I was to tell yer, 'Ere, Bill, give me
+that 'andspike,' that wouldn't be a hanthem;' but was I to say, 'Bill,
+Bill, giv, giv, give me, give me that, Bill, give me, give me that hand,
+handspike, hand, handspike, spike, spike, spike, ah-men, ahmen. Bill,
+givemethat-handspike, spike, ahmen!' why, that would be a hanthem."
+
+
+
+
+B. P. SHILLABER ("Mrs. Partington")
+
+
+FANCY DISEASES
+
+"Diseases is very various," said Mrs. Partington, as she returned from a
+street-door conversation with Doctor Bolus. "The Doctor tells me that
+poor old Mrs. Haze has got two buckles on her lungs! It is dreadful to
+think of, I declare. The diseases is so various! One way we hear of
+people's dying of hermitage of the lungs; another way, of the brown
+creatures; here they tell us of the elementary canal being out of order,
+and there about tonsors of the throat; here we hear of neurology in the
+head, there, of an embargo; one side of us we hear of men being killed
+by getting a pound of tough beef in the sarcofagus, and there another
+kills himself by discovering his jocular vein. Things change so that I
+declare I don't know how to subscribe for any diseases nowadays. New
+names and new nostrils takes the place of the old, and I might as well
+throw my old herb-bag away."
+
+Fifteen minutes afterward Isaac had that herb-bag for a target, and
+broke three squares of glass in the cellar window in trying to hit it,
+before the old lady knew what he was about. She didn't mean exactly what
+she said.
+
+
+BAILED OUT
+
+"So, our neighbour, Mr. Guzzle, has been arranged at the bar for
+drunkardice," said Mrs. Partington; and she sighed as she thought of his
+wife and children at home, with the cold weather close at hand, and the
+searching winds intruding through the chinks in the windows, and waving
+the tattered curtain like a banner, where the little ones stood
+shivering by the faint embers. "God forgive him, and pity them!" said
+she, in a tone of voice tremulous with emotion.
+
+"But he was bailed out," said Ike, who had devoured the residue of the
+paragraph, and laid the paper in a pan of liquid custard that the dame
+was preparing for Thanksgiving, and sat swinging the oven door to and
+fro as if to fan the fire that crackled and blazed within.
+
+"Bailed out, was he?" said she; "well, I should think it would have been
+cheaper to have pumped him out, for, when our cellar was filled, arter
+the city fathers had degraded the street, we had to have it pumped out,
+though there wasn't half so much in it as he has swilled down."
+
+She paused and reached up on the high shelves of the closet for her pie
+plates, while Ike busied himself in tasting the various preparations.
+The dame thought that was the smallest quart of sweet cider she had ever
+seen.
+
+
+SEEKING A COMET
+
+It was with an anxious feeling that Mrs. Partington, having smoked her
+specs, directed her gaze toward the western sky, in quest of the
+tailless comet of 1850.
+
+"I can't see it," said she; and a shade of vexation was perceptible in
+the tone of her voice. "I don't think much of this explanatory system,"
+continued she, "that they praise so, where the stars are mixed up so
+that _I_ can't tell Jew Peter from Satan, nor the consternation of the
+Great Bear from the man in the moon. 'Tis all dark to me. I don't
+believe there is any comet at all. Who ever heard of a comet without a
+tail, I should like to know? It isn't natural; but the printers will
+make a tale for it fast enough, for they are always getting up comical
+stories."
+
+With a complaint about the falling dew, and a slight murmur of
+disappointment, the dame disappeared behind a deal door like the moon
+behind a cloud.
+
+
+GOING TO CALIFORNIA
+
+"Dear me!" exclaimed Mrs. Partington sorrowfully, "how much a man will
+bear, and how far he will go, to get the soddered dross, as Parson
+Martin called it when he refused the beggar a sixpence for fear it might
+lead him into extravagance! Everybody is going to California and Chagrin
+arter gold. Cousin Jones and the three Smiths have gone; and Mr. Chip,
+the carpenter, has left his wife and seven children and a blessed old
+mother-in-law, to seek his fortin, too. This is the strangest yet, and I
+don't see how he could have done it; it looks so ongrateful to treat
+Heaven's blessings so lightly. But there, we are told that the love of
+money is the root of all evil, and how true it is! for they are now
+rooting arter it, like pigs arter ground-nuts. Why, it is a perfect
+money mania among everybody!"
+
+And she shook her head doubtingly, as she pensively watched a small mug
+of cider, with an apple in it, simmering by the winter fire. She was
+somewhat fond of a drink made in this way.
+
+
+MRS. PARTINGTON IN COURT
+
+"I took my knitting-work and went up into the gallery," said Mrs.
+Partington, the day after visiting one of the city courts; "I went up
+into the gallery, and after I had adjusted my specs, I looked down into
+the room, but I couldn't see any courting going on. An old gentleman
+seemed to be asking a good many impertinent questions--just like some
+old folks--and people were sitting around making minutes of the
+conversation. I don't see how they made out what was said, for they all
+told different stories. How much easier it would be to get along if they
+were all made to tell the same story! What a sight of trouble it would
+save the lawyers! The case, as they call it, was given to the jury, but
+I couldn't see it, and a gentleman with a long pole was made to swear
+that he'd keep an eye on 'em, and see that they didn't run away with it.
+Bimeby in they came again, and they said somebody was guilty of
+something, who had just said he was innocent, and didn't know nothing
+about it no more than the little baby that had never subsistence. I come
+away soon afterward; but I couldn't help thinking how trying it must be
+to sit there all day, shut out from the blessed air!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Apropos of Superintendent Andrews's reported objection to the singing of
+the "Recessional" in the Chicago public schools on the ground that the
+atheists might be offended, the _Chicago Post_ says:
+
+For the benefit of our skittish friends, the atheists, and in order not
+to deprive the public-school children of the literary beauties of
+certain poems that may be classed by Doctor Andrews as "hymns," we
+venture to suggest this compromise, taking a few lines in illustration
+from our National anthem:
+
+    "Our fathers' God--assuming purely for the
+    sake of argument that there is a God--to Thee,
+    Author of liberty--with apologies to our friends,
+    the atheists--
+
+    To Thee I sing--but we needn't mean it, you
+    know.
+
+    Long may our land be bright,
+
+    With freedom's holy light;
+
+    Protect us by Thy might--remember, this is
+    purely hypothetical----
+
+    Great God--again assuming that there is a God--our
+    king--simply an allegorical phrase and
+    not intended offensively to any taxpayer."
+
+
+
+
+OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES
+
+
+THE DEACON'S MASTERPIECE; Or, the Wonderful "One-hoss Shay"
+
+  A LOGICAL STORY
+
+  Have you heard of the wonderful one-hoss shay
+  That was built in such a logical way,
+  It ran a hundred years to a day,
+  And then, of a sudden, it--ah, but stay,
+  I'll tell you what happened without delay,
+  Scaring the parson into fits,
+  Frightening people out of their wits----
+  Have you ever heard of that, I say?
+
+  Seventeen hundred and fifty-five.
+  _Georgius Secundus_ was then alive----
+  Snuffy old drone from the German hive.
+  That was the year when Lisbon-town
+  Saw the earth open and gulp her down,
+  And Braddock's army was done so brown,
+  Left without a scalp to its crown.
+  It was on the terrible Earthquake day
+  That the Deacon finished the one-hoss shay.
+
+  Now in building of chaises, I tell you what,
+  There is always _somewhere_ a weakest spot----
+  In hub, tire, felloe, in spring or thill,
+  In panel, or crossbar, or floor, or sill,
+  In screw, bolt, thoroughbrace--lurking still,
+  Find it somewhere you must and will----
+  Above or below, or within or without----
+  And that's the reason, beyond a doubt,
+  That a chaise _breaks down_, but doesn't _wear out_.
+
+  But the Deacon swore (as deacons do,
+  With an "I dew vum," or an "I tell _yeou_")
+  He would build one shay to beat the taown
+  'N' the keounty, 'n' all the kentry raoun';
+  It should be so built that it _couldn'_ break daown:
+  --"Fur," said the Deacon, "'t's mighty plain
+  Thut the weakes' place mus' stan' the strain;
+  'N' the way t' fix it, uz I maintain,
+             Is only jest
+  T' make that place uz strong uz the rest."
+
+  So the Deacon inquired of the village folk
+  Where he could find the strongest oak,
+  That couldn't be split nor bent nor broke----
+  That was for spokes and floor and sills;
+  He sent for lancewood to make the thills;
+  The crossbars were ash, from the straightest trees,
+  The panels of white-wood, that cuts like cheese,
+  But lasts like iron for things like these;
+  The hubs of logs from the "Settler's ellum"----
+  Last of its timber--they couldn't sell 'em,
+  Never an ax had seen their chips,
+  And the wedges flew from between their lips,
+  Their blunt ends frizzled like celery-tips;
+  Step and prop-iron, bolt and screw,
+  Spring, tire, axle, and linchpin, too,
+  Steel of the finest, bright and blue;
+  Thoroughbrace bison-skin, thick and wide;
+  Boot, top, dasher, from tough old hide
+  Found in the pit when the tanner died.
+  That was the way he "put her through"----
+  "There!" said the Deacon, "naow she'll dew!"
+
+  Do! I tell you, I rather guess
+  She was a wonder and nothing less!
+  Colts grew horses, beards turned gray,
+  Deacon and Deaconess dropped away,
+  Children and grandchildren--where were they?
+  But there stood the stout old one-hoss shay
+  As fresh as on Lisbon-earthquake day!
+
+  Eighteen hundred--it came and found
+  The Deacon's masterpiece strong and sound.
+  Eighteen hundred increased by ten----
+  "Hahnsum kerridge" they called it then.
+  Eighteen hundred and twenty came----
+  Running as usual; much the same.
+  Thirty and forty at last arrived,
+  And then come fifty, and FIFTY-FIVE.
+
+  Little of all we value here
+  Wakes on the morn of its hundredth year
+  Without both feeling and looking queer.
+  In fact, there's nothing that keeps its youth,
+  So far as I know, but a tree and truth.
+  (This is a moral that runs at large;
+  Take it--You're welcome--No extra charge.)
+
+  First of November--the Earthquake-day----
+  There are traces of age in the one-hoss shay,
+  A general flavor of mild decay,
+  But nothing local, as one may say.
+  There couldn't be--for the Deacon's art
+  Had made it so like in every part
+  That there wasn't a chance for one to start.
+  For the wheels were just as strong as the thills,
+  And the floor was just as strong as the sills,
+  And the panels just as strong as the floor,
+  And the whipple-tree neither less nor more,
+  And the back crossbar as strong as the fore,
+  And spring and axle and hub _encore_.
+  And yet, _as a whole_, it is past a doubt
+  In another hour it will be _worn out_!
+
+  First of November, 'Fifty-five!
+  This morning the parson takes a drive.
+  Now, small boys, get out of the way!
+  Here comes the wonderful one-hoss shay,
+  Drawn by a rat-tailed, ewe-necked bay.
+  "Huddup!" said the parson--Off went they.
+  The parson was working his Sunday's text----
+  Had got to _fifthly_, and stopped perplexed
+  At what the--Moses--was coming next.
+
+  All at once the horse stood still,
+  Close by the meet'n' house on the hill.
+  --First a shiver, and then a thrill,
+  Then something decidedly like a spill----
+  And the parson was sitting upon a rock,
+  At half-past nine by the meet'n'-house clock----
+  Just the hour of the Earthquake shock!
+  --What do you think the parson found,
+  When he got up and stared around?
+  The poor old chaise in a heap or mound,
+  As if it had been to the mill and ground!
+  You see, of course, if you're not a dunce,
+  How it went to pieces all at once----
+  All at once, and nothing first----
+  Just as bubbles do when they burst.
+
+  End of the wonderful one-hoss shay.
+  Logic is logic. That's all I say.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A certain learned professor in New York has a wife and family, but,
+professor-like, his thoughts are always with his books.
+
+One evening his wife, who had been out for some hours, returned to find
+the house remarkably quiet. She had left the children playing about, but
+now they were nowhere to be seen.
+
+She demanded to be told what had become of them, and the professor
+explained that, as they had made a good deal of noise, he had put them
+to bed without waiting for her or calling a maid.
+
+"I hope they gave you no trouble," she said.
+
+"No," replied the professor, "with the exception of the one in the cot
+here. He objected a good deal to my undressing him and putting him to
+bed."
+
+The wife went to inspect the cot.
+
+"Why," she exclaimed, "that's little Johnny Green, from next door."
+
+
+FIVE LIVES
+
+  Five mites of monads dwelt in a round drop
+  That twinkled on a leaf by a pool in the sun.
+  To the naked eye they lived invisible;
+  Specks, for a world of whom the empty shell
+  Of a mustard-seed had been a hollow sky.
+
+  One was a meditative monad, called a sage;
+  And, shrinking all his mind within, he thought:
+  "Tradition, handed down for hours and hours,
+  Tells that our globe, this quivering crystal world,
+  Is slowly dying. What if, seconds hence
+  When I am very old, yon shimmering doom
+  Comes drawing down and down, till all things end?"
+  Then with a wizen smirk he proudly felt
+  No other mote of God had ever gained
+  Such giant grasp of universal truth.
+
+  One was a transcendental monad; thin
+  And long and slim of mind; and thus he mused:
+  "Oh, vast, unfathomable monad-souls!
+  Made in the image"--a hoarse frog croaks from the pool,
+  "Hark! 'twas some god, voicing his glorious thought
+  In thunder music. Yea, we hear their voice,
+  And we may guess their minds from ours, their work.
+  Some taste they have like ours, some tendency
+  To wriggle about, and munch a trace of scum."
+  He floated up on a pin-point bubble of gas
+  That burst, pricked by the air, and he was gone.
+
+  One was a barren-minded monad, called
+  A positivist; and he knew positively;
+  "There was no world beyond this certain drop.
+  Prove me another! Let the dreamers dream
+  Of their faint gleams, and noises from without,
+  And higher and lower; life is life enough."
+  Then swaggering half a hair's breadth hungrily,
+  He seized upon an atom of bug, and fed.
+
+  One was a tattered monad, called a poet;
+  And with a shrill voice ecstatic thus he sang:
+  "Oh, little female monad's lips!
+  Oh, little female monad's eyes!
+  Ah, the little, little, female, female monad!"
+  The last was a strong-minded monadess,
+  Who dashed amid the infusoria,
+  Danced high and low, and wildly spun and dove,
+  Till the dizzy others held their breath to see.
+
+  But while they led their wondrous little lives
+  Æonian moments had gone wheeling by,
+  The burning drop had shrunk with fearful speed:
+  A glistening film--'twas gone; the leaf was dry.
+  The little ghost of an inaudible squeak
+  Was lost to the frog that goggled from his stone;
+  Who, at the huge, slow tread of a thoughtful ox
+  Coming to drink, stirred sideways fatly, plunged,
+  Launched backward twice, and all the pool was still.
+
+  EDWARD ROWLAND SILL.
+
+
+
+
+JAMES T. FIELDS
+
+
+THE OWL-CRITIC
+
+A Lesson to Fault-finders
+
+  "Who stuffed that white owl?" No one spoke in the shop:
+  The barber was busy, and he couldn't stop;
+  The customers, waiting their turns, were all reading
+  The _Daily_, the _Herald_, the _Post_, little heeding
+  The young man who blurted out such a blunt question;
+  Not one raised a head or even made a suggestion;
+                          And the barber kept on shaving.
+
+  "Don't you see, Mister Brown,"
+  Cried the youth, with a frown,
+  "How wrong the whole thing is,
+  How preposterous each wing is,
+  How flattened the head is, how jammed down the neck is--
+  In short, the whole owl, what an ignorant wreck 'tis!
+  I make no apology;
+  I've learned owl-eology.
+  I've passed days and nights in a hundred collections,
+  And cannot be blinded to any deflections
+  Arising from unskilful fingers that fail
+  To stuff a bird right, from his beak to his tail.
+  Mister Brown! Mister Brown!
+  Do take that bird down,
+  Or you'll soon be the laughing-stock all over town!"
+                        And the barber kept on shaving.
+
+  "I've _studied_ owls,
+  And other night fowls,
+  And I tell you
+  What I know to be true:
+  An owl cannot roost
+  With his limbs so unloosed;
+  No owl in this world
+  Ever had his claws curled,
+  Ever had his legs slanted,
+  Ever had his bill canted,
+  Ever had his neck screwed
+  Into that attitude.
+  He can't _do_ it, because
+  'Tis against all bird-laws
+  Anatomy teaches,
+  Ornithology preaches
+  An owl has a toe
+  That _can't_ turn out so!
+  I've made the white owl my study for years,
+  And to see such a job almost moves me to tears!
+  Mister Brown, I'm amazed
+  You should be so gone crazed
+  As to put up a bird
+  In that posture absurd!
+  To _look_ at that owl really brings on a dizziness;
+  The man who stuffed _him_ don't half know his business!"
+                      And the barber kept on shaving.
+
+  "Examine those eyes.
+  I'm filled with surprise
+  Taxidermists should pass
+  Off on you such poor glass;
+  So unnatural they seem
+  They'd make Audubon scream,
+  And John Burroughs laugh
+  To encounter such chaff.
+  Do take that bird down;
+  Have him stuffed again, Brown!"
+                      And the barber kept on shaving.
+
+  "With some sawdust and bark
+  I would stuff in the dark
+  An owl better than that;
+  I could make an old hat
+  Look more like an owl
+  Than that horrid fowl,
+  Stuck up there so stiff like a side of coarse leather.
+  In fact, about _him_ there's not one natural feather."
+
+  Just then, with a wink and a sly normal lurch,
+  The owl, very gravely, got down from his perch,
+  Walked round, and regarded his fault-finding critic
+  (Who thought he was stuffed) with a glance analytic,
+  And then fairly hooted, as if he should say:
+  "Your learning's at fault _this_ time, anyway;
+  Don't waste it again on a live bird, I pray.
+  I'm an owl; you're another. Sir Critic, good-day!"
+                     And the barber kept on shaving.
+
+
+A CAUSE FOR THANKS
+
+A country parson, in encountering a storm the past season in the voyage
+across the Atlantic, was reminded of the following: A clergyman was so
+unfortunate as to be caught in a severe gale in the voyage out. The
+water was exceedingly rough, and the ship persistently buried her nose
+in the sea. The rolling was constant, and at last the good man got
+thoroughly frightened. He believed they were destined for a watery
+grave. He asked the captain if he could not have prayers. The captain
+took him by the arm and led him down to the forecastle, where the tars
+were singing and swearing. "There," said he, "when you hear them
+swearing, you may know there is no danger." He went back feeling better,
+but the storm increased his alarm. Disconsolate and unassisted, he
+managed to stagger to the forecastle again. The ancient mariners were
+swearing as ever. "Mary," he said to his sympathetic wife, as he crawled
+into his berth after tacking across a wet deck, "Mary, thank God they're
+swearing yet."
+
+
+
+
+JOHN HAY
+
+
+LITTLE BREECHES
+
+  I don't go much on religion,
+    I never ain't had no show;
+  But I've got a middlin' tight grip, sir,
+    On the handful o' things I know.
+  I don't pan out on the prophets
+    And free-will and that sort of thing----
+  But I b'lieve in God and the angels,
+     Ever sence one night last spring.
+
+  I come into town with some turnips,
+    And my little Gabe come along----
+  No four-year-old in the county
+    Could beat him for pretty and strong,
+  Peart and chipper and sassy,
+    Always ready to swear and fight----
+  And I'd larnt him to chaw terbacker
+    Jest to keep his milk-teeth white.
+
+  The snow come down like a blanket
+    As I passed by Taggart's store;
+  I went in for a jug of molasses
+    And left the team at the door.
+  They scared at something and started----
+    I heard one little squall,
+  And hell-to-split over the prairie
+    Went team, Little Breeches and all.
+
+  Hell-to-split over the prairie!
+    I was almost froze with skeer;
+  But we rousted up some torches,
+    And sarched for 'em far and near.
+  At last we struck horses and wagon,
+    Snowed under a soft white mound,
+  Upsot, dead beat--but of little Gabe
+    Nor hide nor hair was found.
+
+  And here all hope soured on me,
+    Of my fellow-critter's aid----
+  I jest flopped down on my marrow-bones,
+    Crotch-deep in the snow, and prayed.
+
+  By this, the torches was played out,
+    And me and Isrul Parr
+  Went off for some wood to a sheepfold
+    That he said was somewhar thar.
+
+  We found it at last, and a little shed
+  Where they shut up the lambs at night.
+  We looked in and seen them huddled thar,
+    So warm and sleepy and white;
+  And THAR sot Little Breeches, and chirped,
+    As peart as ever you see:
+  "I want a chaw of terbacker,
+    And that's what's the matter of me."
+
+  How did he git thar? Angels.
+    He could never have walked in that storm;
+  They jest scooped down and toted him
+    To whar it was safe and warm.
+
+  And I think that saving a little child,
+    And bringing him to his own,
+  Is a derned sight better business
+    Than loafing around The Throne.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Artemus Ward, when in London, gave a children's party. One of John
+Bright's sons was invited, and returned home radiant. "Oh, papa," he
+explained, on being asked whether he had enjoyed himself, "indeed I did.
+And Mr. Browne gave me such a nice name for you, papa."
+
+"What was that?"
+
+"Why, he asked me how that gay and festive cuss, the governor, was!"
+replied the boy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was on a train going through Indiana. Among the passengers were a
+newly married couple, who made themselves known to such an extent that
+the occupants of the car commenced passing sarcastic remarks about them.
+The bride and groom stood the remarks for some time, but finally the
+latter, who was a man of tremendous size, broke out in the following
+language at his tormenters: "Yes, we're married--just married. We are
+going 160 miles farther, and I am going to 'spoon' all the way. If you
+don't like it, you can get out and walk. She's my violet and I'm her
+sheltering oak."
+
+During the remainder of the journey they were left in peace.
+
+
+
+
+HENRY W. SHAW ("Josh Billings")
+
+
+NATRAL AND UNNATRAL ARISTOKRATS
+
+Natur furnishes all the nobleman we hav.
+
+She holds the pattent.
+
+Pedigree haz no more to do in making a man aktually grater than he iz,
+than a pekok's feather in his hat haz in making him aktually taller.
+
+This iz a hard phakt for some tew learn.
+
+This mundane earth iz thik with male and femail ones who think they are
+grate bekause their ansesstor waz luckey in the sope or tobacco trade;
+and altho the sope haz run out sumtime since, they try tew phool
+themselves and other folks with the suds.
+
+Sope-suds iz a prekarious bubble.
+
+Thare ain't nothing so thin on the ribs az a sope-suds aristokrat.
+
+When the world stands in need ov an aristokrat, natur pitches one into
+it, and furnishes him papers without enny flaw in them.
+
+Aristokrasy kant be transmitted--natur sez so--in the papers.
+
+Titles are a plan got up bi humans tew assist natur in promulgating
+aristokrasy.
+
+Titles ain't ov enny more real use or necessity than dog collars are.
+
+I hav seen dog collars that kost 3 dollars on dogs that wan't worth, in
+enny market, over 87-1/2 cents.
+
+This iz a grate waste of collar; and a grate damage tew the dog.
+
+Natur don't put but one ingredient into her kind ov aristokrasy, and
+that iz virtew.
+
+She wets up the virtew, sumtimes, with a little pepper sass, just tew
+make it lively.
+
+She sez that all other kinds are false; and i beleave natur.
+
+I wish every man and woman on earth waz a bloated aristokrat--bloated
+with virtew.
+
+Earthly manufaktured aristokrats are made principally out ov munny.
+
+Forty years ago it took about 85 thousand dollars tew make a good-sized
+aristokrat, and innokulate his family with the same disseaze, but it
+takes now about 600 thousand tew throw the partys into fits.
+
+Aristokrasy, like of the other bred stuffs, haz riz.
+
+It don't take enny more virtew tew make an aristokrat now, nor clothes,
+than it did in the daze ov Abraham.
+
+Virtew don't vary.
+
+Virtew is the standard ov values.
+
+Clothes ain't.
+
+Titles ain't.
+
+A man kan go barefoot and be virtewous, and be an aristokrat.
+
+Diogoneze waz an aristokrat.
+
+His brown-stun front waz a tub, and it want on end, at that.
+
+Moneyed aristokrasy iz very good to liv on in the present hi kondishun
+ov kodphis and wearing apparel, provided yu see the munny, but if the
+munny kind of tires out and don't reach yu, and you don't git ennything
+but the aristokrasy, you hay got to diet, that's all.
+
+I kno ov thousands who are now dieting on aristokrasy.
+
+They say it tastes good.
+
+I presume they lie without knowing it.
+
+Not enny ov this sort ov aristokrasy for Joshua Billings.
+
+I never should think ov mixing munny and aristokrasy together; i will
+take mine seperate, if yu pleze.
+
+I don't never expekt tew be an aristokrat, nor an angel; i don't kno az
+i want tew be one.
+
+I certainly should make a miserable angel.
+
+I certainly never shall hav munny enuff tew make an aristokrat.
+
+Raizing aristokrats iz a dredful poor bizzness; yu don't never git your
+seed back.
+
+One democrat iz worth more tew the world than 60 thousand manufaktured
+aristokrats.
+
+An Amerikan aristokrat iz the most ridikilus thing in market. They are
+generally ashamed ov their ansesstors; and, if they hav enny, and live
+long enuff, they generally hav cauze tew be ashamed ov their posterity.
+
+I kno ov sevral familys in Amerika who are trieing tew liv on their
+aristokrasy. The money and branes giv out sumtime ago.
+
+It iz hard skratching for them.
+
+Yu kan warm up kold potatoze and liv on them, but yu kant warm up
+aristokratik pride and git even a smell.
+
+Yu might az well undertake tew raze a krop ov korn in a deserted
+brikyard by manuring the ground heavy with tanbark.
+
+Yung man, set down, and keep still--yu will hay plenty ov chances yet to
+make a phool ov yureself before yu die.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is told of an old Baptist parson, famous in Virginia, that he once
+visited a plantation where the colored servant who met him at the gate
+asked which barn he would have his horse put in.
+
+"Have you two barns?" asked the minister.
+
+"Yes, sah," replied the servant; "dar's de old barn, and Mas'r Wales has
+jest built a new one."
+
+"Where do you usually put the horses of clergymen who come to see your
+master?"
+
+"Well, sah, if dey's Methodist or Baptist we gen'ally puts 'em in de ole
+barn, but if dey's 'Piscopals we puts 'em in the new one."
+
+"Well, Bob, you can put my horse in the new barn; I'm a Baptist, but my
+horse is an Episcopalian."
+
+
+
+
+JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL
+
+
+THE YANKEE RECRUIT
+
+Mister Buckinum, the follerin Billet was writ hum by a Yung feller of
+our town that wuz cussed fool enuff to goe a-trottin inter Miss Chiff
+arter a Drum and fife. It ain't Nater for a feller to let on that he's
+sick o' any bizness that he went intu off his own free will and a Cord,
+but I rather cal'late he's middlin tired o' voluntearin By this time. I
+bleeve yu may put dependunts on his statemence. For I never heered
+nothin bad on him let Alone his havin what Parson Wilbur cals a
+_pongshong_ for cocktales, and ses it wuz a soshiashun of idees sot him
+agoin arter the Crootin Sargient cos he wore a cocktale onto his hat.
+
+His Folks gin the letter to me and I shew it to parson Wilbur and he ses
+it oughter Bee printed, send It to mister Buckinum, ses he, i don't
+ollers agree with him, ses he, but by Time, ses he, I _du_ like a feller
+that ain't a Feared.
+
+I have intusspussed a Few refleckshuns hear and thair. We're kind o'
+prest with Hayin.
+                            Ewers respecfly,
+
+                                    HOSEA BIGLOW.
+
+  This kind o' sogerin' aint a mite like our October trainin',
+  A chap could clear right out from there ef't only looked like rainin'.
+  An' th' Cunnles, tu, could kiver up their shappoes with bandanners,
+  An' sen the insines skootin' to the barroom with their banners
+  (Fear o' gittin' on 'em spotted), an' a feller could cry quarter,
+  Ef he fired away his ramrod artur tu much rum an' water.
+  Recollect wut fun we hed, you'n I on' Ezry Hollis,
+  Up there to Waltham plain last fall, ahavin' the Cornwallis?
+  This sort o' thing aint _jest_ like thet--I wished thet I wuz furder--
+  Nimepunce a day fer killin' folks comes kind o' low for murder
+  (Wy I've worked out to slarterin' some fer Deacon Cephas Billins,
+  An' in the hardest times there wuz I ollers teched ten shillins),
+  There's sutthin' gits into my throat thet makes it hard to swaller,
+  It comes so nateral to think about a hempen collar;
+  It's glory--but, in spite o' all my tryin' to git callous,
+  I feel a kind o' in a cart, aridin' to the gallus.
+  But wen it comes to _bein'_ killed--I tell ye I felt streaked
+  The fust time ever I found out wy baggonets wuz peaked;
+  Here's how it wuz: I started out to go to a fan-dango,
+  The sentinul he ups an' sez "Thet's furder 'an you can go."
+  "None o' your sarse," sez I; sez he, "Stan' back!" "Aint you a buster?"
+  Sez I, "I'm up to all thet air, I guess I've ben to muster;
+  I know wy sentinuls air sot; you aint agoin' to eat us;
+  Caleb haint no monopoly to court the scenoreetas;
+  My folks to hum hir full ez good ez hisn be, by golly!"
+  An' so ez I wuz goin' by, not thinkin' wut would folly,
+  The everlastin' cus he stuck his one-pronged pitchfork in me
+  An' made a hole right thru my close ez ef I was an in'my.
+  Wal, it beats all how big I felt hoorawin' in old Funnel
+  Wen Mister Bolles he gin the sword to our Leftenant Cunnle
+  (It's Mister Secondary Bolles, thet writ the prize peace essay;
+  Thet's wy he didn't list himself along o' us, I dessay).
+  An' Rantoul, tu, talked pooty loud, but don't put _his_ foot in it,
+  Coz human life's so sacred thet he's principled agin' it----
+  Though I myself can't rightly see it's any wus achokin' on 'em
+  Than puttin' bullets thru their lights, or with a bagnet pokin' on 'em;
+  How dreffle slick he reeled it off (like Blitz at our lyceam
+  Ahaulin' ribbins from his chops so quick you skeercely see 'em),
+  About the Anglo-Saxon race (an' saxons would be handy
+  To du the buryin' down here upon the Rio Grandy),
+  About our patriotic pas an' our star-spangled banner,
+  Our country's bird alookin' on an' singin' out hosanner,
+  An' how he (Mister B---- himself) wuz happy fer Ameriky----
+  I felt, ez sister Patience sez, a leetle mite histericky.
+  I felt, I swon, ez though it wuz a dreffle kind o' privilege
+  Atrampin' round thru Boston streets among the gutter's drivelage;
+  I act'lly thought it wuz a treat to hear a little drummin',
+  An' it did bonyfidy seem millanyum wuz a-comin';
+  Wen all on us gots suits (darned like them wore in the state prison),
+  An' every feller felt ez though all Mexico was hisn.
+  This 'ere's about the meanest place a skunk could wal diskiver
+  (Saltillo's Mexican, I b'lieve, fer wut we call Salt river).
+  The sort o' trash a feller gits to eat doos beat all nater,
+  I'd give a year's pay fer a smell o' one good blue-nose tater;
+  The country here thet Mister Bolles declared to be so charmin'
+  Throughout is swarmin' with the most alarmin' kind o' varmin'.
+  He talked about delishes froots, but then it was a wopper all,
+  The holl on't 's mud an' prickly pears, with here an' there a chapparal;
+  You see a feller peekin' out, an', fust you know, a lariat
+  Is round your throat an' you a copse, 'fore you can say, "Wut air ye at?"
+  You never see sech darned gret bugs (it may not be irrelevant
+  To say I've seen a _scarabæus pilularius_[A] big ez a year old elephant),
+  The rigiment come up one day in time to stop a red bug
+  From runnin' off with Cunnle Wright--'twuz jest a common
+    _cimex lectularius_.
+  One night I started up on eend an thought I wuz to hum agin,
+  I heern a horn, thinks I it's Sol the fisherman hez come agin,
+  _His_ bellowses is sound enough--ez I'm a livin' creeter,
+  I felt a thing go thru my leg--'twuz nothin' more 'n a skeeter!
+  Then there's the yeller fever, tu, they call it here _el vomito_--
+  (Come, thet wun't du, you landcrab there, I tell ye to le' go my toe!
+  My gracious! it's a scorpion thet's took a shine to play with 't,
+  I darsn't skeer the tarnel thing fer fear he'd run away with 't).
+  Afore I came away from hum I hed a strong persuasion
+  Thet Mexicans worn't human beans--an ourang outang nation,
+  A sort o' folks a chap could kill an' never dream on't arter,
+  No more'n a feller'd dream o' pigs thet he had hed to slarter;
+  I'd an idee thet they were built arter the darkie fashion all,
+  And kickin' colored folks about, you know, 's a kind o' national;
+  But wen I jined I won't so wise ez thet air queen o' Sheby,
+  Fer, come to look at 'em, they aint much diff'rent from wut we be,
+  An' here we air ascrougin' 'em out o' thir own dominions,
+  Ashelterin' 'em, ez Caleb sez, under our eagle's pinions,
+  Wich means to take a feller up jest by the slack o' 's trowsis
+  An' walk him Spanish clean right out o' all his homes and houses;
+  Wal, it does seem a curus way, but then hooraw fer Jackson!
+  It must be right, fer Caleb sez it's reg'lar Anglo-Saxon.
+  The Mex'cans don't fight fair, they say, they piz'n all the water,
+  An' du amazin' lots o' things thet isn't wut they ough' to;
+  Bein' they haint no lead, they make their bullets out o' copper
+  An' shoot the darned things at us, tu, wich Caleb sez ain't proper;
+  He sez they'd ough' to stan' right up an' let us pop 'em fairly
+  (Guess wen he ketches 'em at thet he'll hev to git up airly),
+  Thet our nation's bigger'n theirn an' so its rights air bigger,
+  An' thet it's all to make 'em free thet we air pullin' trigger,
+  Thet Anglo-Saxondom's idee's abreakin' 'em to pieces,
+  An' thet idee's thet every man doos jest wut he damn pleases;
+  Ef I don't make his meanin' clear, perhaps in some respex I can,
+  I know thet "every man" don't mean a nigger or a Mexican;
+  An' there's another thing I know, an' thet is, ef these creeturs,
+  Thet stick an Anglo-Saxon mask onto State prison feeturs,
+  Should come to Jalam Center fer to argify an' spout on 't,
+  The gals 'ould count the silver spoons the minnit they cleared out on 't.
+
+  This goin' ware glory waits ye haint one agreeable feetur,
+  And ef it worn't fer wakin' snakes, I'd home agin short meter;
+  O, wouldn't I be off, quick time, ef't worn't thet I wuz sartin
+  They'd let the daylight into me to pay me fer desartin!
+  I don't approve o' tellin' tales, but jest to you I may state
+  Our ossifers aint wut they wuz afore they left the Bay State;
+  Then it wuz "Mister Sawin, sir, you're midd'lin well now, be ye?
+  Step up an' take a nipper, sir; I'm dreffle glad to see ye;"
+  But now it's, "Ware's my eppylet? Here, Sawin, step an' fetch it!
+  An' mind your eye, be thund'rin spry, or damn ye, you shall ketch it!"
+  Wal, ez the Doctor sez, some pork will bile so, but by mighty,
+  Ef I hed some on 'em to hum, I'd give 'em linkumvity,
+  I'd play the rogue's march on their hides an' other music follerin'----
+  But I must close my letter here for one on 'em 's a hollerin',
+  These Anglosaxon ossifers--wal, taint no use a jawin',
+  I'm safe enlisted fer the war,
+
+                    Yourn,
+                        BIRDOFREDOM SAWIN.
+
+[Footnote A: it wuz "tumblebug" as he Writ it, but the parson put the
+Latten instid. i said tother maid better meeter, but he said tha was
+eddykated peepl to Boston and tha wouldn't stan' it no how, idnow as tha
+_wood_ and idnow _as_ tha wood.--H. B.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two dusky small boys were quarreling; one was pouring forth a volume of
+vituperous epithets, while the other leaned against a fence and calmly
+contemplated him. When the flow of language was exhausted he said:
+
+"Are you troo?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"You ain't got nuffin' more to say?"
+
+"Well, all dem tings what you called me, you is."
+
+
+
+
+CHARLES DUDLEY WARNER
+
+
+MY SUMMER IN A GARDEN
+
+SECOND WEEK
+
+Next to deciding when to start your garden, the most important matter is
+what to put in it. It is difficult to decide what to order for dinner on
+a given day: how much more oppressive is it to order in a lump an
+endless vista of dinners, so to speak! For, unless your garden is a
+boundless prairie (and mine seems to me to be that when I hoe it on hot
+days), you must make a selection, from the great variety of vegetables,
+of those you will raise in it; and you feel rather bound to supply your
+own table from your own garden, and to eat only as you have sown.
+
+I hold that no man has a right (whatever his sex, of course) to have a
+garden to his own selfish uses. He ought not to please himself, but
+every man to please his neighbor. I tried to have a garden that would
+give general moral satisfaction. It seemed to me that nobody could
+object to potatoes (a most useful vegetable); and I began to plant them
+freely. But there was a chorus of protest against them. "You don't want
+to take up your ground with potatoes," the neighbors said; "you can buy
+potatoes" (the very thing I wanted to avoid doing is buying things).
+"What you want is the perishable things that you cannot get fresh in the
+market." "But what kind of perishable things?" A horticulturist of
+eminence wanted me to sow lines of strawberries and raspberries right
+over where I had put my potatoes in drills. I had about five hundred
+strawberry plants in another part of my garden; but this fruit-fanatic
+wanted me to turn my whole patch into vines and runners. I suppose I
+could raise strawberries enough for all my neighbors; and perhaps I
+ought to do it. I had a little space prepared for melons--muskmelons,
+which I showed to an experienced friend. "You are not going to waste
+your ground on muskmelons?" he asked. "They rarely ripen in this climate
+thoroughly before frost." He had tried for years without luck. I
+resolved not to go into such a foolish experiment. But the next day
+another neighbor happened in. "Ah! I see you are going to have melons.
+My family would rather give up anything else in the garden than
+muskmelons--of the nutmeg variety. They are the most graceful things we
+have on the table." So there it was. There was no compromise; it was
+melons or no melons, and somebody offended in any case. I half resolved
+to plant them a little late, so that they would, and they wouldn't. But
+I had the same difficulty about string-beans (which I detest), and
+squash (which I tolerate), and parsnips, and the whole round of green
+things.
+
+I have pretty much come to the conclusion that you have got to put your
+foot down in gardening. If I had actually taken counsel of my friends, I
+should not have had a thing growing in the garden to-day but weeds. And
+besides, while you are waiting, Nature does not wait. Her mind is made
+up. She knows just what she will raise; and she has an infinite variety
+of early and late. The most humiliating thing to me about a garden is
+the lesson it teaches of the inferiority of man. Nature is prompt,
+decided, inexhaustible. She thrusts up her plants with a vigor and
+freedom that I admire; and the more worthless the plant, the more rapid
+and splendid its growth. She is at it early and late, and all night;
+never tiring, nor showing the least sign of exhaustion.
+
+"Eternal gardening is the price of liberty" is a motto that I should put
+over the gateway of my garden, if I had a gate. And yet it is not wholly
+true; for there is no liberty in gardening. The man who undertakes a
+garden is relentlessly pursued. He felicitates himself that, when he
+gets it once planted, he will have a season of rest and of enjoyment in
+the sprouting and growing of his seeds. It is a keen anticipation. He
+has planted a seed that will keep him awake nights, drive rest from his
+bones, and sleep from his pillow. Hardly is the garden planted, when he
+must begin to hoe it. The weeds have sprung up all over it in a night.
+They shine and wave in redundant life. The docks have almost gone to
+seed; and their roots go deeper than conscience. Talk about the London
+docks!--the roots of these are like the sources of the Aryan race. And
+the weeds are not all. I awake in the morning (and a thriving garden
+will wake a person up two hours before he ought to be out of bed) and
+think of the tomato-plants--the leaves like fine lace-work, owing to
+black bugs that skip around and can't be caught. Somebody ought to get
+up before the dew is off (why don't the dew stay on till after a
+reasonable breakfast?) and sprinkle soot on the leaves. I wonder if it
+is I. Soot is so much blacker than the bugs that they are disgusted and
+go away. You can't get up too early if you have a garden. You must be
+early due yourself, if you get ahead of the bugs. I think that, on the
+whole, it would be best to sit up all night and sleep daytimes. Things
+appear to go on in the night in the garden uncommonly. It would be less
+trouble to stay up than it is to get up so early.
+
+I have been setting out some new raspberries, two sorts--a silver and a
+gold color. How fine they will look on the table next year in a
+cut-glass dish, the cream being in a ditto pitcher! I set them four and
+five feet apart. I set my strawberries pretty well apart also. The
+reason is to give room for the cows to run through when they break into
+the garden--as they do sometimes. A cow needs a broader track than a
+locomotive; and she generally makes one. I am sometimes astonished to
+see how big a space in a flower-bed her foot will cover. The raspberries
+are called Doolittle and Golden Cap. I don't like the name of the first
+variety, and, if they do much, shall change it to Silver Top. You can
+never tell what a thing named Doolittle will do. The one in the Senate
+changed color and got sour. They ripen badly--either mildew or rot on
+the bush. They are apt to Johnsonize--rot on the stem. I shall watch the
+Doolittles.
+
+
+FOURTH WEEK
+
+Orthodoxy is at a low ebb. Only two clergymen accepted my offer to come
+and help hoe my potatoes for the privilege of using my vegetable
+total-depravity figure about the snake-grass, or quack-grass, as some
+call it; and those two did not bring hoes. There seems to be a lack of
+disposition to hoe among our educated clergy. I am bound to say that
+these two, however, sat and watched my vigorous combats with the weeds,
+and talked most beautifully about the application of the snake-grass
+figure. As, for instance, when a fault or sin showed on the surface of a
+man, whether, if you dug down, you would find that it ran back and into
+the original organic bunch of original sin within the man. The only
+other clergyman who came was from out of town--a half-Universalist, who
+said he wouldn't give twenty cents for my figure. He said that the
+snake-grass was not in my garden originally, that it sneaked in under
+the sod, and that it could be entirely rooted out with industry and
+patience. I asked the Universalist-inclined man to take my hoe and try
+it; but he said he hadn't time, and went away.
+
+But, _jubilate_, I have got my garden all hoed the first time! I feel as
+if I had put down the rebellion. Only there are guerrillas left here and
+there, about the borders and in corners, unsubdued--Forest docks, and
+Quantrell grass, and Beauregard pigweeds. This first hoeing is a
+gigantic task: it is your first trial of strength with the
+never-sleeping forces of Nature. Several times in its progress I was
+tempted to do as Adam did, who abandoned his garden on account of the
+weeds. (How much my mind seems to run upon Adam, as if there had been
+only two really moral gardens--Adam's and mine!) The only drawback to my
+rejoicing over the finishing of the first hoeing is, that the garden now
+wants hoeing a second time. I suppose if my garden were planted in a
+perfect circle, and I started round it with a hoe, I should never see an
+opportunity to rest. The fact is, that gardening is the old fable of
+perpetual labor; and I, for one, can never forgive Adam Sisyphus, or
+whoever it was, who let in the roots of discord. I had pictured myself
+sitting at eve with my family, in the shade of twilight, contemplating a
+garden hoed. Alas! it is a dream not to be realized in this world.
+
+My mind has been turned to the subject of fruit and shade trees in a
+garden. There are those who say that trees shade the garden too much
+and interfere with the growth of the vegetables. There may be something
+in this; but when I go down the potato rows, the rays of the sun
+glancing upon my shining blade, the sweat pouring from my face, I should
+be grateful for shade. What is a garden for? The pleasure of man. I
+should take much more pleasure in a shady garden. Am I to be sacrificed,
+broiled, roasted, for the sake of the increased vigor of a few
+vegetables? The thing is perfectly absurd. If I were rich, I think I
+would have my garden covered with an awning, so that it would be
+comfortable to work in it. It might roll up and be removable, as the
+great awning of the Roman Colosseum was--not like the Boston one, which
+went off in a high wind. Another very good way to do, and probably not
+so expensive as the awning, would be to have four persons of foreign
+birth carry a sort of canopy over you as you hoed. And there might be a
+person at each end of the row with some cool and refreshing drink.
+Agriculture is still in a very barbarous stage. I hope to live yet to
+see the day when I can do my gardening, as tragedy is done, to slow and
+soothing music, and attended by some of the comforts I have named. These
+things come so forcibly into my mind sometimes as I work, that perhaps,
+when a wandering breeze lifts my straw hat or a bird lights on a near
+currant-bush and shakes out a full-throated summer song, I almost expect
+to find the cooling drink and the hospitable entertainment at the end
+of the row. But I never do. There is nothing to be done but to turn
+round and hoe back to the other end.
+
+Speaking of those yellow squash-bugs, I think I disheartened them by
+covering the plants so deep with soot and wood-ashes that they could not
+find them; and I am in doubt if I shall ever see the plants again. But I
+have heard of another defense against the bugs. Put a fine wire screen
+over each hill, which will keep out the bugs and admit the rain. I
+should say that these screens would not cost much more than the melons
+you would be likely to get from the vines if you bought them; but then,
+think of the moral satisfaction of watching the bugs hovering over the
+screen, seeing but unable to reach the tender plants within. That is
+worth paying for.
+
+I left my own garden yesterday and went over to where Polly was getting
+the weeds out of one of her flower-beds. She was working away at the bed
+with a little hoe. Whether women ought to have the ballot or not (and I
+have a decided opinion on that point, which I should here plainly give
+did I not fear that it would injure my agricultural influence), I am
+compelled to say that this was rather helpless hoeing. It was patient,
+conscientious, even pathetic hoeing; but it was neither effective nor
+finished. When completed, the bed looked somewhat as if a hen had
+scratched it; there was that touching unevenness about it. I think no
+one could look at it and not be affected. To be sure, Polly smoothed it
+off with a rake and asked me if it wasn't nice; and I said it was. It
+was not a favorable time for me to explain the difference between
+puttering hoeing and the broad, free sweep of the instrument which kills
+the weeds, spares the plants, and loosens the soil without leaving it in
+holes and hills. But, after all, as life is constituted, I think more of
+Polly's honest and anxious care of her plants than of the most finished
+gardening in the world.
+
+
+SIXTH WEEK
+
+Somebody has sent me a new sort of hoe, with the wish that I should
+speak favorably of it, if I can consistently. I willingly do so, but
+with the understanding that I am to be at liberty to speak just as
+courteously of any other hoe which I may receive. If I understand
+religious morals, this is the position of the religious press with
+regard to bitters and wringing machines. In some cases, the
+responsibility of such a recommendation is shifted upon the wife of the
+editor or clergyman. Polly says she is entirely willing to make a
+certificate, accompanied with an affidavit, with regard to this hoe; but
+her habit of sitting about the garden walk on an inverted flower-pot
+while I hoe somewhat destroys the practical value of her testimony.
+
+As to this hoe, I do not mind saying that it has changed my view of the
+desirableness and value of human life. It has, in fact, made life a
+holiday to me. It is made on the principle that man is an upright,
+sensible, reasonable being, and not a groveling wretch. It does away
+with the necessity of the hinge in the back. The handle is seven and a
+half feet long. There are two narrow blades, sharp on both edges, which
+come together at an obtuse angle in front; and as you walk along with
+this hoe before you, pushing and pulling with a gentle motion, the weeds
+fall at every thrust and withdrawal, and the slaughter is immediate and
+widespread. When I got this hoe, I was troubled with sleepless mornings,
+pains in the back, kleptomania with regard to new weeders; when I went
+into my garden I was always sure to see something. In this disordered
+state of mind and body I got this hoe. The morning after a day of using
+it I slept perfectly and late. I regained my respect for the Eighth
+Commandment. After two doses of the hoe in the garden the weeds entirely
+disappeared. Trying it a third morning, I was obliged to throw it over
+the fence in order to save from destruction the green things that ought
+to grow in the garden. Of course, this is figurative language. What I
+mean is, that the fascination of using this hoe is such that you are
+sorely tempted to employ it upon your vegetables after the weeds are
+laid low, and must hastily withdraw it to avoid unpleasant results. I
+make this explanation because I intend to put nothing into these
+agricultural papers that will not bear the strictest scientific
+investigation; nothing that the youngest child cannot understand and cry
+for; nothing that the oldest and wisest men will not need to study with
+care.
+
+I need not add that the care of a garden with this hoe becomes the
+merest pastime. I would not be without one for a single night. The only
+danger is, that you may rather make an idol of the hoe, and somewhat
+neglect your garden in explaining it and fooling about with it. I almost
+think that, with one of these in the hands of an ordinary day-laborer,
+you might see at night where he had been working.
+
+Let us have peas. I have been a zealous advocate of the birds. I have
+rejoiced in their multiplication. I have endured their concerts at four
+o'clock in the morning without a murmur. Let them come, I said, and eat
+the worms, in order that we, later, may enjoy the foliage and the fruits
+of the earth. We have a cat, a magnificent animal, of the sex which
+votes (but not a pole-cat)--so large and powerful that if he were in the
+army he would be called Long Tom. He is a cat of fine disposition, the
+most irreproachable morals I ever saw thrown away in a cat, and a
+splendid hunter. He spends his nights, not in social dissipation, but in
+gathering in rats, mice, flying-squirrels, and also birds. When he first
+brought me a bird, I told him that it was wrong, and tried to convince
+him, while he was eating it, that he was doing wrong; for he is a
+reasonable cat, and understands pretty much everything except the
+binomial theorem and the time down the cycloidal arc. But with no
+effect. The killing of birds went on to my great regret and shame.
+
+The other day I went to my garden to get a mess of peas. I had seen the
+day before that they were just ready to pick. How I had lined the
+ground, planted, hoed, bushed them! The bushes were very fine--seven
+feet high, and of good wood. How I had delighted in the growing, the
+blowing, the podding! What a touching thought it was that they had all
+podded for me! When I went to pick them I found the pods all split open
+and the peas gone. The dear little birds, who are so fond of the
+strawberries, had eaten them all. Perhaps there were left as many as I
+planted; I did not count them. I made a rapid estimate of the cost of
+the seed, the interest of the ground, the price of labor, the value of
+the bushes, the anxiety of weeks of watchfulness. I looked about me on
+the face of nature. The wind blew from the south so soft and
+treacherous! A thrush sang in the woods so deceitfully! All nature
+seemed fair. But who was to give me back my peas? The fowls of the air
+have peas; but what has man?
+
+I went into the house. I called Calvin (that is the name of our cat,
+given him on account of his gravity, morality, and uprightness. We never
+familiarly call him John). I petted Calvin. I lavished upon him an
+enthusiastic fondness. I told him that he had no fault; that the one
+action that I had called a vice was an heroic exhibition of regard for
+my interest. I bade him go and do likewise continually. I now saw how
+much better instinct is than mere unguided reason. Calvin knew. If he
+had put his opinion into English (instead of his native catalogue), it
+would have been, "You need not teach your grandmother to suck eggs." It
+was only the round of nature. The worms eat a noxious something in the
+ground. The birds eat the worms. Calvin eats the birds. We eat--no, we
+do not eat Calvin. There the chain stops. When you ascend the scale of
+being, and come to an animal that is, like ourselves, inedible, you have
+arrived at a result where you can rest. Let us respect the cat: he
+completes an edible chain.
+
+I have little heart to discuss methods of raising peas. It occurs to me
+that I can have an iron pea-bush, a sort of trellis, through which I
+could discharge electricity at frequent intervals and electrify the
+birds to death when they alight; for they stand upon my beautiful bush
+in order to pick out the peas. An apparatus of this kind, with an
+operator, would cost, however, about as much as the peas. A neighbor
+suggests that I might put up a scarecrow near the vines, which would
+keep the birds away. I am doubtful about it; the birds are too much
+accustomed to seeing a person in poor clothes in the garden to care much
+for that. Another neighbor suggests that the birds do not open the pods;
+that a sort of blast, apt to come after rain, splits the pods, and the
+birds then eat the peas. It may be so. There seems to be complete unity
+of action between the blast and the birds. But good neighbors, kind
+friends, I desire that you will not increase, by talk, a disappointment
+which you cannot assuage.
+
+
+CROWDED
+
+Chauncey Depew says: In the Berkshire Hills there was a funeral, and as
+the friends and mourners gathered in the little parlor, there came the
+typical New England female who mingles curiosity with her sympathy, and,
+as she glanced around the darkened room, she said to the bereaved widow:
+
+"Where did you get that new eight-day clock?"
+
+"We ain't got no new eight-day clock," was the reply.
+
+"You ain't? What's that in the corner there?"
+
+"Why, no, that's not an eight-day clock; that's the deceased. We stood
+him on end to make room for the mourners."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A young wife who lost her husband by death telegraphed the sad tidings
+to her father in these succinct words: "Dear John died this morning at
+ten. Loss fully covered by insurance."
+
+
+THE ALARMED SKIPPER
+
+  "It was an Ancient Mariner"
+
+  Many a long, long year ago,
+  Nantucket skippers had a plan
+  Of finding out, though "lying low,"
+  How near New York their schooners ran.
+
+  They greased the lead before it fell,
+  And then, by sounding through the night,
+  Knowing the soil that stuck, so well,
+  They always guessed their reckoning right.
+
+  A skipper gray, whose eyes were dim,
+  Could tell, by _tasting_, just the spot,
+  And so below he'd "dowse the glim"--
+  After, of course, his "something hot."
+
+  Snug in his berth, at eight o'clock,
+  This ancient skipper might be found;
+  No matter how his craft would rock,
+  He slept--for skippers' naps are sound!
+
+  The watch on deck would now and then
+  Run down and wake him, with the lead;
+  He'd up, and taste, and tell the men
+  How many miles they went ahead.
+
+  One night, 'twas Jotham Marden's watch,
+  A curious wag--the peddler's son----
+  And so he mused (the wanton wretch),
+  "To-night I'll have a grain of fun.
+
+  "We're all a set of stupid fools
+  To think the skipper knows by _tasting_
+  What ground he's on--Nantucket schools
+  Don't teach such stuff, with all their basting!"
+
+  And so he took the well-greased lead
+  And rubbed it o'er a box of earth
+  That stood on deck--a parsnip-bed----
+  And then he sought the skipper's berth.
+
+  "Where are we now, sir? Please to taste."
+  The skipper yawned, put out his tongue,
+  Then ope'd his eyes in wondrous haste,
+  And then upon the floor he sprung!
+
+  The skipper stormed and tore his hair,
+  Thrust on his boots, and roared to Marden,
+  _"Nantucket's sunk, and here we are_
+  _Right over old Marm Hackett's garden!"_
+
+  JAMES T. FIELDS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WEDDING JOURNEY
+
+_He_: Dearest, if I had known this tunnel was so long, I'd have given
+you a jolly hug.
+
+_She_: Didn't you? Why, somebody did!
+
+
+
+
+OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES
+
+
+FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE
+
+Do I think that the particular form of lying often seen in newspapers
+under the title, "From Our Foreign Correspondent," does any harm? Why,
+no, I don't know that it does. I suppose it doesn't really deceive
+people any more than the "Arabian Nights" or "Gulliver's Travels" do.
+Sometimes the writers compile _too_ carelessly, though, and mix up facts
+out of geographies and stories out of the penny papers, so as to mislead
+those who are desirous of information. I cut a piece out of one of the
+papers the other day which contains a number of improbabilities and, I
+suspect, misstatements. I will send up and get it for you, if you would
+like to hear it. Ah, this is it; it is headed
+
+
+"OUR SUMATRA CORRESPONDENCE
+
+"This island is now the property of the Stamford family--having been
+won, it is said, in a raffle by Sir ---- Stamford, during the
+stock-gambling mania of the South Sea scheme. The history of this
+gentleman may be found in an interesting series of questions
+(unfortunately not yet answered) contained in the 'Notes and Queries.'
+This island is entirely surrounded by the ocean, which here contains a
+large amount of saline substance, crystallizing in cubes remarkable for
+their symmetry, and frequently displays on its surface, during calm
+weather, the rainbow tints of the celebrated South Sea bubbles. The
+summers are oppressively hot, and the winters very probably cold; but
+this fact cannot be ascertained precisely, as, for some peculiar reason,
+the mercury in these latitudes never shrinks, as in more northern
+regions, and thus the thermometer is rendered useless in winter.
+
+"The principal vegetable productions of the island are the pepper tree
+and the bread-fruit tree. Pepper being very abundantly produced, a
+benevolent society was organized in London during the last century for
+supplying the natives with vinegar and oysters, as an addition to that
+delightful condiment. (Note received from Dr. D. P.) It is said,
+however, that, as the oysters were of the kind called _natives_ in
+England, the natives of Sumatra, in obedience to a natural instinct,
+refused to touch them, and confined themselves entirely to the crew of
+the vessel in which they were brought over. This information was
+received from one of the oldest inhabitants, a native himself, and
+exceedingly fond of missionaries. He is said also to be very skilful in
+the _cuisine_ peculiar to the island.
+
+"During the season of gathering pepper, the persons employed are subject
+to various incommodities, the chief of which is violent and
+long-continued sternutation, or sneezing. Such is the vehemence of
+these attacks that the unfortunate subjects of them are often driven
+backward for great distances at immense speed, on the well-known
+principle of the æolipile. Not being able to see where they are going,
+these poor creatures dash themselves to pieces against the rocks, or are
+precipitated over the cliffs, and thus many valuable lives are lost
+annually. As during the whole pepper harvest they feed exclusively on
+this stimulant, they become exceedingly irritable. The smallest injury
+is resented with ungovernable rage. A young man suffering from the
+_pepper-fever_, as it is called, cudgeled another most severely for
+appropriating a superannuated relative of trifling value, and was only
+pacified by having a present made him of a pig of that peculiar species
+of swine called the _Peccavi_ by the Catholic Jews, who, it is well
+known, abstain from swine's flesh in imitation of the Mohammedan
+Buddhists.
+
+"The bread tree grows abundantly. Its branches are well known to Europe
+and America under the familiar name of _maccaroni_. The smaller twigs
+are called _vermicelli_. They have a decided animal flavor, as may be
+observed in the soups containing them. Maccaroni, being tubular, is the
+favorite habitat of a very dangerous insect, which is rendered
+peculiarly ferocious by being boiled. The government of the island,
+therefore, never allows a stick of it to be exported without being
+accompanied by a piston with which its cavity may at any time be
+thoroughly swept out. These are commonly lost or stolen before the
+maccaroni arrives among us. It, therefore, always contains many of these
+insects, which, however, generally die of old age in the shops, so that
+accidents from this source are comparatively rare.
+
+"The fruit of the bread tree consists principally of hot rolls. The
+buttered-muffin variety is supposed to be a hybrid with the cocoanut
+palm, the cream found on the milk of the cocoanut exuding from the
+hybrid in the shape of butter, just as the ripe fruit is splitting, so
+as to fit it for the tea-table, where it is commonly served up with
+cold----"
+
+There--I don't want to read any more of it. You see that many of these
+statements are highly improbable. No, I shall not mention the
+paper.--_The Autocrat of the Breakfast Table._
+
+
+MUSIC-POUNDING
+
+The old Master was talking about a concert he had been to hear.
+
+--I don't like your chopped music anyway. That woman--she had more sense
+in her little finger than forty medical societies--Florence
+Nightingale--says that the music you _pour_ out is good for sick folks,
+and the music you _pound_ out isn't. Not that exactly, but something
+like it. I have been to hear some music-pounding. It was a young woman,
+with as many white muslin flounces round her as the planet Saturn has
+rings, that did it. She gave the music-stool a twirl or two and fluffed
+down on to it like a whirl of soap-suds in a hand-basin. Then she pushed
+up her cuffs as if she was going to fight for the champion's belt. Then
+she worked her wrists and her hands, to limber 'em, I suppose, and
+spread out her fingers till they looked as though they would pretty much
+cover the keyboard, from the growling end to the little squeaky one.
+Then those two hands of hers made a jump at the keys as if they were a
+couple of tigers coming down on a flock of black-and-white sheep, and
+the piano gave a great howl as if its tail had been trod on. Dead
+stop--so still you could hear your hair growing. Then another jump, and
+another howl, as if the piano had two tails and you had trod on both of
+'em at once, and then a grand clatter and scramble and string of jumps,
+up and down, back and forward, one hand over the other, like a stampede
+of rats and mice more than like anything I call music. I like to hear a
+woman sing, and I like to hear a fiddle sing, but these noises they
+hammer out of their wood-and-ivory anvils--don't talk to me; I know the
+difference between a bullfrog and a wood-thrush.--_The Poet at the
+Breakfast Table._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"That is rather a shabby pair of trousers you have on, for a man in your
+position."
+
+"Yes, sir; but clothes do not make the man. What if my trousers are
+shabby and worn? They cover a warm heart, sir."
+
+
+
+
+FREDERICK S. COZZENS
+
+
+LIVING IN THE COUNTRY
+
+It is a good thing to live in the country. To escape from the
+prison-walls of the metropolis--the great brickery we call "the
+city"--and to live amid blossoms and leaves, in shadow and sunshine, in
+moonlight and starlight, in rain, mist, dew, hoarfrost, and drought, out
+in the open campaign and under the blue dome that is bounded by the
+horizon only. It is a good thing to have a well with dripping buckets, a
+porch with honey-buds and sweet-bells, a hive embroidered with nimble
+bees, a sun-dial mossed over, ivy up to the eaves, curtains of dimity, a
+tumbler of fresh flowers in your bedroom, a rooster on the roof, and a
+dog under the piazza.
+
+When Mrs. Sparrowgrass and I moved into the country, with our heads full
+of fresh butter, and cool, crisp radishes for tea; with ideas entirely
+lucid respecting milk, and a looseness of calculation as to the number
+in family it would take a good laying hen to supply with fresh eggs
+every morning; when Mrs. Sparrowgrass and I moved into the country, we
+found some preconceived notions had to be abandoned, and some departures
+made from the plans we had laid down in the little back parlor of Avenue
+G.
+
+One of the first achievements in the country is early rising: with the
+lark--with the sun--while the dew is on the grass, "under the opening
+eye-lids of the morn," and so forth. Early rising! What can be done with
+five or six o'clock in town? What may not be done at those hours in the
+country? With the hoe, the rake, the dibble, the spade, the
+watering-pot? To plant, prune, drill, transplant, graft, train, and
+sprinkle! Mrs. S. and I agreed to rise _early_ in the country.
+
+  Richard and Robin were two pretty men,
+  They laid in bed till the clock struck ten;
+  Up jumped Richard and looked at the sky;
+  O, Brother Robin, the sun's _very_ high!
+
+Early rising in the country is not an instinct; it is a sentiment, and
+must be cultivated.
+
+A friend recommended me to send to the south side of Long Island for
+some very prolific potatoes--the real hippopotamus breed. Down went my
+man, and what, with expenses of horse-hire, tavern bills, toll-gates,
+and breaking a wagon, the hippopotami cost as much apiece as pineapples.
+They were fine potatoes, though, with comely features, and large,
+languishing eyes, that promised increase of family without delay. As I
+worked my own garden (for which I hired a landscape gardener at two
+dollars per day to give me instructions), I concluded that the object of
+my first experiment in early rising should be the planting of the
+hippopotamuses. I accordingly arose next morning at five, and it rained!
+I rose next day at five, and it rained! The next, and it rained! It
+rained for two weeks! We had splendid potatoes every day for dinner. "My
+dear," said I to Mrs. Sparrowgrass, "where did you get these fine
+potatoes?" "Why," said she, innocently, "out of that basket from Long
+Island!" The last of the hippopotamuses were before me, peeled, and
+boiled, and mashed, and baked, with a nice thin brown crust on the top.
+
+I was more successful afterward. I did get some fine seed-potatoes in
+the ground. But something was the matter; at the end of the season I did
+not get as many out as I had put in.
+
+Mrs. Sparrowgrass, who is a notable housewife, said to me one day, "Now,
+my dear, we shall soon have plenty of eggs, for I have been buying a lot
+of young chickens." There they were, each one with as many feathers as a
+grasshopper, and a chirp not louder. Of course, we looked forward with
+pleasant hopes to the period when the first cackle should announce the
+milk-white egg, warmly deposited in the hay which we had provided
+bountifully. They grew finely, and one day I ventured to remark that our
+hens had remarkably large combs, to which Mrs. S. replied, "Yes, indeed,
+she had observed that; but if I wanted to have a real treat I ought to
+get up early in the morning and hear them crow." "Crow!" said I,
+faintly, "our hens crowing! Then, by 'the cock that crowed in the morn,
+to wake the priest all shaven and shorn,' we might as well give up all
+hopes of having any eggs," said I; "for as sure as you live, Mrs. S.,
+our hens are all roosters!" And so they were roosters! They grew up and
+fought with the neighbors' chickens, until there was not a whole pair of
+eyes on either side of the fence.
+
+A _dog_ is a good thing to have in the country. I have one which I
+raised from a pup. He is a good, stout fellow, and a hearty barker and
+feeder. The man of whom I bought him said he was thoroughbred, but he
+begins to have a mongrel look about him. He is a good watch-dog, though;
+for the moment he sees any suspicious-looking person about the premises
+he comes right into the kitchen and gets behind the stove. First, we
+kept him in the house, and he scratched all night to get out. Then we
+turned him out, and he scratched all night to get in. Then we tied him
+up at the back of the garden, and he howled so that our neighbour shot
+at him twice before daybreak. Finally we gave him away, and he came
+back; and now he is just recovering from a fit, in which he has torn up
+the patch that has been sown for our spring radishes.
+
+A good, strong gate is a necessary article for your garden. A good,
+strong, heavy gate, with a dislocated hinge, so that it will neither
+open nor shut. Such a one have I. The grounds before my fence are in
+common, and all the neighbors' cows pasture there. I remarked to Mrs.
+S., as we stood at the window in a June sunset, how placid and
+picturesque the cattle looked, as they strolled about, cropping the
+green herbage. Next morning I found the innocent creatures in my
+garden. They had not left a green thing in it. The corn in the milk, the
+beans on the poles, the young cabbages, the tender lettuce, even the
+thriving shoots on my young fruit trees had vanished. And there they
+were, looking quietly on the ruin they had made. Our watch-dog, too, was
+foregathering with them. It was too much; so I got a large stick and
+drove them all out, except a young heifer, whom I chased all over the
+flower-beds, breaking down my trellises, my woodbines and sweet-briers,
+my roses and petunias, until I cornered her in the hotbed. I had to call
+for assistance to extricate her from the sashes, and her owner has sued
+me for damages. I believe I shall move in town.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. Sparrowgrass and I have concluded to try it once more; we are going
+to give the country another chance. After all, birds in the spring are
+lovely. First come little snowbirds, _avant-couriers_ of the feathered
+army; then bluebirds in national uniforms, just graduated, perhaps, from
+the ornithological corps of cadets with high honors in the topographical
+class; then follows a detachment of flying artillery--swallows;
+sand-martens, sappers and miners, begin their mines and countermines
+under the sandy parapets; then cedar birds, in trim jackets faced with
+yellow--aha, dragoons! And then the great rank and file of infantry,
+robins, wrens, sparrows, chipping-birds; and lastly--the band!
+
+  From nature's old cathedral sweetly ring
+  The wild bird choirs--burst of the woodland band,
+                  --who mid the blossoms sing;
+  Their leafy temple, gloomy, tall and grand,
+  Pillared with oaks, and roofed with Heaven's own hand.
+
+There, there, that is Mario. Hear that magnificent chest note from the
+chestnuts! then a crescendo, falling in silence--_à plomb!_
+
+Hush! he begins again with a low, liquid monotone, mounting by degrees
+and swelling into an infinitude of melody--the whole grove dilating, as
+it were, with exquisite epithalamium.
+
+Silence now--and how still!
+
+Hush! the musical monologue begins anew; up, up into the tree-tops it
+mounts, fairly lifting the leaves with its passionate effluence, it
+trills through the upper branches--and then dripping down the listening
+foliage, in a cadenza of matchless beauty, subsides into silence again.
+
+"That's a he catbird," says my carpenter.
+
+A catbird? Then Shakespeare and Shelley have wasted powder upon the
+skylark; for never such "profuse strains of unpremeditated art" issued
+from living bird before. Skylark! pooh! who would rise at dawn to hear
+the skylark if a catbird were about after breakfast?
+
+I have bought me a boat. A boat is a good thing to have in the country,
+especially if there be any water near. There is a fine beach in front of
+my house. When visitors come I usually propose to give them a row. I go
+down--and find the boat full of water; then I send to the house for a
+dipper and prepare to bail; and, what with bailing and swabbing her
+with a mop and plugging up the cracks in her sides, and struggling to
+get the rudder in its place, and unlocking the rusty padlock, my
+strength is so much exhausted that it is almost impossible for me to
+handle the oars. Meanwhile the poor guests sit on stones around the
+beach with woe-begone faces.
+
+"My dear," said Mrs. Sparrowgrass, "why don't you sell that boat?"
+
+"Sell it? Ha! ha!"
+
+One day a Quaker lady from Philadelphia paid us a visit. She was
+uncommonly dignified, and walked down to the water in the most stately
+manner, as is customary with Friends. It was just twilight, deepening
+into darkness, when I set about preparing the boat. Meanwhile our Friend
+seated herself upon _something_ on the beach. While I was engaged in
+bailing, the wind shifted, and I became sensible of an unpleasant odor;
+afraid that our Friend would perceive it, too, I whispered Mrs.
+Sparrowgrass to coax her off and get her farther up the beach.
+
+"Thank thee, no, Susan; I feel a smell hereabout and I am better where I
+am."
+
+Mrs. S. came back and whispered mysteriously that our Friend was sitting
+on a dead dog, at which I redoubled the bailing and got her out in deep
+water as soon as possible.
+
+Dogs have a remarkable scent. A dead setter one morning found his way to
+our beach, and I towed him out in the middle of the river; but the
+faithful creature came back in less than an hour--that dog's smell was
+remarkable indeed.
+
+I have bought me a fyke! A fyke is a good thing to have in the country.
+A fyke is a fishnet, with long wings on each side; in shape like a
+nightcap with ear lappets; in mechanism like a rat-trap. You put a stake
+at the tip end of the nightcap, a stake at each end of the outspread
+lappets; there are large hoops to keep the nightcap distended, sinkers
+to keep the lower sides of the lappets under water, and floats as large
+as muskmelons to keep the upper sides above the water. The stupid fish
+come downstream, and, rubbing their noses against the wings, follow the
+curve toward the fyke and swim into the trap. When they get in they
+cannot get out. That is the philosophy of a fyke. I bought one of
+Conroy. "Now," said I to Mrs. Sparrowgrass, "we shall have fresh fish
+to-morrow for breakfast," and went out to set it. I drove the stakes in
+the mud, spread the fyke in the boat, tied the end of one wing to the
+stake, and cast the whole into the water. The tide carried it out in a
+straight line. I got the loose end fastened to the boat, and found it
+impossible to row back against the tide with the fyke. I then untied it,
+and it went downstream, stake and all. I got it into the boat, rowed up,
+and set the stake again. Then I tied one end to the stake and got out of
+the boat myself in shoal water. Then the boat got away in deep water;
+then I had to swim for the boat. Then I rowed back and untied the fyke.
+Then the fyke got away. Then I jumped out of the boat to save the fyke,
+and the boat got away. Then I had to swim again after the boat and row
+after the fyke, and finally was glad to get my net on dry land, where I
+left it for a week in the sun. Then I hired a man to set it, and he did,
+but he said it was "rotted." Nevertheless, in it I caught two small
+flounders and an eel. At last a brace of Irishmen came down to my beach
+for a swim at high tide. One of them, a stout, athletic fellow, after
+performing sundry aquatic gymnastics, dived under and disappeared for a
+fearful length of time. The truth is, he had dived into my net. After
+much turmoil in the water, he rose to the surface with the filaments
+hanging over his head, and cried out, as if he had found a bird's nest:
+"I say, Jimmy! begorra, here's a foike!" That unfeeling exclamation to
+Jimmy, who was not the owner of the net, made me almost wish that it had
+not been "rotted."
+
+We are worried about our cucumbers. Mrs. S. is fond of cucumbers, so I
+planted enough for ten families. The more they are picked, the faster
+they grow; and if you do not pick them, they turn yellow and look ugly.
+Our neighbor has plenty, too. He sent us some one morning, by way of a
+present. What to do with them we did not know, with so many of our own.
+To give them away was not polite; to throw them away was sinful; to eat
+them was impossible. Mrs. S. said, "Save them for seed." So we did. Next
+day, our neighbor sent us a dozen more. We thanked the messenger grimly
+and took them in. Next morning another dozen came. It was getting to be
+a serious matter; so I rose betimes the following morning, and when my
+neighbor's cucumbers came I filled his man's basket with some of my own,
+by way of exchange. This bit of pleasantry was resented by my neighbor,
+who told his man to throw them to the hogs. His man told our girl, and
+our girl told Mrs. S., and, in consequence, all intimacy between the two
+families has ceased; the ladies do not speak, even at church.
+
+We have another neighbor, whose name is Bates; he keeps cows. This year
+our gate has been fixed; but my young peach trees near the fences are
+accessible from the road; and Bates's cows walk along that road morning
+and evening. The sound of a cow-bell is pleasant in the twilight.
+Sometimes, after dark, we hear the mysterious curfew tolling along the
+road, and then with a louder peal it stops before our fence and again
+tolls itself off in the distance. The result is, my peach trees are as
+bare as bean-poles. One day I saw Mr. Bates walking along, and I hailed
+him: "Bates, those are your cows there, I believe?" "Yes, sir; nice
+ones, ain't they?" "Yes," I replied, "they are _nice_ ones. Do you see
+that tree there?"--and I pointed to a thrifty peach, with about as many
+leaves as an exploded sky-rocket. "Yes, sir." "Well, Bates, that
+red-and-white cow of yours yonder ate the top off that tree; I saw her
+do it." Then I thought I had made Bates ashamed of himself, and had
+wounded his feelings, perhaps, too much. I was afraid he would offer me
+money for the tree, which I made up my mind to decline at once.
+"Sparrowgrass," said he, "it don't hurt a tree a single mossel to chaw
+it if it's a young tree. For my part, I'd rather have my young trees
+chawed than not. I think it makes them grow a leetle better. I can't do
+it with mine, but you can, because you can wait to have good trees, and
+the only way to have good trees is to have, 'em chawed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We have put a dumb-waiter in our house. A dumb-waiter is a good thing to
+have in the country, on account of its convenience. If you have company,
+everything can be sent up from the kitchen without any trouble; and if
+the baby gets to be unbearable, on account of his teeth, you can dismiss
+the complainant by stuffing him in one of the shelves and letting him
+down upon the help. To provide for contingencies, we had all our floors
+deafened. In consequence, you cannot hear anything that is going on in
+the story below; and when you are in the upper room of the house there
+might be a democratic ratification meeting in the cellar and you would
+not know it. Therefore, if any one should break into the basement it
+would not disturb us; but to please Mrs. Sparrowgrass, I put stout iron
+bars in all the lower windows. Besides, Mrs. Sparrowgrass had bought a
+rattle when she was in Philadelphia; such a rattle as watchmen carry
+there. This is to alarm our neighbor, who, upon the signal, is to come
+to the rescue with his revolver. He is a rash man, prone to pull trigger
+first and make inquiries afterward.
+
+One evening Mrs. S. had retired and I was busy writing, when it struck
+me a glass of ice-water would be palatable. So I took the candle and a
+pitcher and went down to the pump. Our pump is in the kitchen. A country
+pump in the kitchen is more convenient; but a well with buckets is
+certainly more picturesque. Unfortunately, our well water has not been
+sweet since it was cleaned out. First I had to open a bolted door that
+lets you into the basement hall, and then I went to the kitchen door,
+which proved to be locked. Then I remembered that our girl always
+carried the key to bed with her and slept with it under her pillow. Then
+I retraced my steps, bolted the basement door, and went up into the
+dining-room. As is always the case, I found, when I could not get any
+water, I was thirstier than I supposed I was. Then I thought I would
+wake our girl up. Then I concluded not to do it. Then I thought of the
+well, but I gave that up on account of its flavor. Then I opened the
+closet doors: there was no water there; and then I thought of the
+dumb-waiter! The novelty of the idea made me smile. I took out two of
+the movable shelves, stood the pitcher on the bottom of the dumb-waiter,
+got in myself with the lamp; let myself down, until I supposed I was
+within a foot of the floor below, and then let go!
+
+We came down so suddenly that I was shot out of the apparatus as if it
+had been a catapult; it broke the pitcher, extinguished the lamp, and
+landed me in the middle of the kitchen at midnight, with no fire and the
+air not much above the zero point. The truth is, I had miscalculated the
+distance of the descent--instead of falling one foot, I had fallen five.
+My first impulse was to ascend by the way I came down, but I found that
+impracticable. Then I tried the kitchen door; it was locked. I tried to
+force it open; it was made of two-inch stuff, and held its own. Then I
+hoisted a window, and there were the rigid iron bars. If ever I felt
+angry at anybody it was at myself for putting up those bars to please
+Mrs. Sparrowgrass. I put them up, not to keep people in, but to keep
+people out.
+
+I laid my cheek against the ice-cold barriers and looked out at the sky;
+not a star was visible; it was as black as ink overhead. Then I thought
+of Baron Trenck and the prisoner of Chillon. Then I made a noise. I
+shouted until I was hoarse, and ruined our preserving kettle with the
+poker. That brought our dogs out in full bark, and between us we made
+night hideous. Then I thought I heard a voice and listened--it was Mrs.
+Sparrowgrass calling to me from the top of the staircase. I tried to
+make her hear me, but the infernal dogs united with howl, and growl, and
+bark, so as to drown my voice, which is naturally plaintive and tender.
+Besides, there were two bolted doors and double-deafened floors between
+us; how could she recognize my voice, even if she did hear it? Mrs.
+Sparrowgrass called once or twice and then got frightened; the next
+thing I heard was a sound as if the roof had fallen in, by which I
+understood that Mrs. Sparrowgrass was springing the rattle! That called
+out our neighbor, already wide awake; he came to the rescue with a
+bull-terrier, a Newfoundland pup, a lantern, and a revolver. The moment
+he saw me at the window he shot at me, but fortunately just missed me. I
+threw myself under the kitchen table and ventured to expostulate with
+him, but he would not listen to reason. In the excitement I had
+forgotten his name, and that made matters worse. It was not until he had
+roused up everybody around, broken in the basement door with an ax,
+gotten into the kitchen with his cursed savage dogs and shooting-iron,
+and seized me by the collar, that he recognized me--and then he wanted
+me to explain it! But what kind of an explanation could I make to him? I
+told him he would have to wait until my mind was composed, and then I
+would let him understand the whole matter fully. But he never would have
+had the particulars from me, for I do not approve of neighbors that
+shoot at you, break in your door, and treat you, in your own house, as
+if you were a jailbird. He knows all about it, however--somebody has
+told him--_somebody_ tells everybody everything in our village.--_The
+Sparrowgrass Papers._
+
+
+LOVE IN A COTTAGE
+
+  They may talk of love in a cottage,
+    And bowers of trellised vine----
+  Of nature bewitchingly simple,
+    And milkmaids half divine;
+  They may talk of the pleasure of sleeping
+    In the shade of a spreading tree,
+  And a walk in the fields at morning,
+    By the side of a footstep free!
+
+  But give me a sly flirtation
+    By the light of a chandelier----
+  With music to play in the pauses,
+    And nobody very near;
+  Or a seat on a silken sofa,
+    With a glass of pure old wine,
+  And mamma too blind to discover
+    The small white hand in mine.
+
+  Your love in a cottage is hungry,
+    Your vine is a nest for flies----
+  Your milkmaid shocks the Graces,
+    And simplicity talks of pies!
+  You lie down to your shady slumber
+    And wake with a bug in your ear,
+  And your damsel that walks in the morning
+    Is shod like a mountaineer.
+
+  True love is at home on a carpet,
+    And mightily likes his ease----
+  And true love has an eye for a dinner,
+    And starves beneath shady trees.
+  His wing is the fan of a lady,
+    His foot's an invisible thing,
+  And his arrow is tipp'd with a jewel
+    And shot from a silver string.
+
+  NATHANIEL PARKER WILLIS
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CASE OF CONSCIENCE
+
+_Uncle Jack:_ It is very good lemonade, I am sure; but tell me, Bonnie,
+why do you sell yours for three cents a glass when Charley gets five for
+his?
+
+_Miss Bonnie:_ Well, you mustn't tell anybody, Uncle Jack, but the puppy
+fell in mine and I thought it ought to be cheaper.
+
+A Hingham, Massachusetts, woman is said to have hit upon a happy idea
+when she was puzzled what to do in order to tell her mince and apple
+pies apart. She was advised to mark them, and did so, and complacently
+announced: "This I've marked 'T. M.'--'Tis mince; an' that I've marked
+'T. M.'--'Taint mince."
+
+Doctor Oliver Wendell Holmes used to be an amateur photographer. When he
+presented a picture to a friend, he wrote on the back of it, "Taken by
+O. W. Holmes & Sun."
+
+
+HANS BREITMANN'S PARTY
+
+  Hans Breitmann gife a barty:
+    Dey had biano-blayin':
+  I felled in lofe mit a 'Merican frau,
+    Her name was Madilda Yane,
+  She hat haar as prown as a pretzel,
+    Her eyes vas himmel-plue,
+  Und ven dey looket indo mine,
+    Dey shplit mine heart in two.
+
+  Hans Breitmann gife a barty:
+    I vent dere, you'll be pound.
+  I valtzet mit Madilda Yane
+    Und vent shpinnen round and round.
+  De pootiest Fräulein in de house,
+    She veyed 'pout dwo hoondred pound,
+  Und efery dime she gife a shoomp
+    She make de vindows sound.
+
+  Hans Breitmann gife a barty:
+    I dells you it cost him dear.
+  Dey rolled in more ash sefen kecks
+    Of foost rate Lager Beer,
+  Und venefer dey knocks de shpicket in
+    De Deutschers gifes a cheer.
+  I dinks dat so vine a barty
+    Nefer coom to a het dis year.
+
+  Hans Breitmann gife a barty:
+    Dere all vas Souse und Brouse;
+  Ven de sooper comed in, de gompany
+    Did make demselfs to house.
+  Dey ate das Brot und Gensy broost,
+    De Bratwurst und Braten fine,
+  Und vash der Abendessen down
+    Mit four parrels of Neckarwein.
+
+  Hans Breitmann gife a barty:
+    We all cot troonk ash pigs.
+  I poot mine mout to a parrel of beer,
+    Und emptied it oop mit a schwigs.
+  Und denn I gissed Madilda Yane
+    Und she shlog me on the kop,
+  Und de gompany fited mit dable-lecks
+    Dill de coonsthable made oos shtop.
+
+  Hans Breitmann gife a barty----
+    Where ish dat barty now!
+  Where ish de lofely golden cloud
+    Dat float on de mountain's prow?
+  Where ish de himmelstrahlende Stern----
+    De shtar of de shpirit's light?
+  All goned afay mit de Lager Beer----
+    Afay in de Ewigkeit!
+
+  CHARLES GODFREY LELAND.
+
+
+
+
+FRANCES M. WHICHER
+
+
+TIM CRANE AND THE WIDOW
+
+"O, no, Mr. Crane, by no manner o' means, 'tain't a minnit tow soon for
+you to begin to talk about gittin' married agin. I am amazed you should
+be afeerd I'd think so. See--how long's Miss Crane ben dead? Six
+months!--land o' Goshen!--why, I've know'd a number of individdiwals get
+married in less time than that. There's Phil Bennett's widder 't I was
+a-talkin' about jest now--she 't was Louisy Perce--her husband hadent
+been dead but _three_ months, you know. I don't think it looks well for
+a _woman_ to be in such a hurry--but for a _man_ it's a different
+thing--circumstances alters cases, you know. And then, sittiwated as you
+be, Mr. Crane, it's a turrible thing for your family to be without a
+head to superintend the domestic consarns and tend to the children--to
+say nothin' o' yerself, Mr. Crane. You dew need a companion, and no
+mistake. Six months! Good grievous! Why, Squire Titus dident wait but
+six _weeks_ arter he buried his fust wife afore he married his second. I
+thought ther wa'n't no partickler need o' his hurryin' so, seein' his
+family was all grow'd up. Such a critter as he pickt out, tew! 'twas
+very onsuitable--but every man to his taste--I hain't no dispersition
+to meddle with nobody's consarns. There's old farmer Dawson, tew--his
+pardner hain't ben dead but ten months. To be sure, he ain't married
+yet--but he would a-ben long enough ago if somebody I know on'd gin him
+any incurridgement. But 'tain't for me to speak o' that matter. He's a
+clever old critter and as rich as a Jew--but--lawful sakes! he's old
+enough to be my father. And there's Mr. Smith--Jubiter Smith; you know
+him, Mr. Crane--his wife (she 'twas Aurory Pike) she died last summer,
+and he's ben squintin' round among the wimmin ever since, and he _may_
+squint for all the good it'll dew him so far as I'm consarned--tho' Mr.
+Smith's a respectable man--quite young and hain't no family--very well
+off, tew, and quite intellectible--but I'm purty partickler. O, Mr.
+Crane! it's ten year come Jinniwary sence I witnessed the expiration o'
+my belovid companion--an oncommon long time to wait, to be sure--but
+'tain't easy to find anybody to fill the place o' Hezekier Bedott. I
+think _you're_ the most like husband of ary individdiwal I ever see, Mr.
+Crane. Six months Murderation! Curus you should be afeered I'd think't
+was tew soon--why, I've know'd----"
+
+MR. CRANE. "Well, widder--I've been thinking about taking
+another companion--and I thought I'd ask you----"
+
+WIDOW. "O, Mr. Crane, egscuse my commotion, it's so onexpected.
+Jest hand me that are bottle of camfire off the mantletry shelf--I'm
+ruther faint--dew put a little mite on my handkercher and hold it to my
+nuz. There--that'll dew--I'm obleeged tew ye--now I'm ruther more
+composed--you may perceed, Mr. Crane."
+
+MR. CRANE. "Well, widder, I was a-going to ask you
+whether--whether----"
+
+WIDOW. "Continner, Mr. Crane--dew--I knew it's turrible
+embarrissin'. I remember when my dezeased husband made his suppositions
+to me he stammered and stuttered, and was so awfully flustered it did
+seems as if he'd never git it out in the world, and I s'pose it's
+ginnerally the case, at least it has been with all them that's made
+suppositions to me--you see they're ginerally oncerting about what kind
+of an answer they're a-gwine to git, and it kind o' makes 'em narvous.
+But when an individdiwal has reason to suppose his attachment's
+reperated, I don't see what need there is o' his bein' flustrated--tho'
+I must say it's quite embarrassin' to me--pray continner."
+
+MR. C. "Well, then, I want to know if yu're willing I should
+have Melissy?"
+
+WIDOW. "The dragon!"
+
+MR. C. "I hain't said anything to her about it yet--thought the
+proper way was to get your consent first. I remember when I courted
+Trypheny, we were engaged some time before mother Kenipe knew anything
+about it, and when she found it out she was quite put out because I
+dident go to her first. So when I made up my mind about Melissy, thinks
+me, I'll dew it right this time and speak to the old woman first----"
+
+WIDOW. "_Old woman_, hey! That's a purty name to call
+me!--amazin' perlite, tew! Want Melissy, hey! Tribbleation! Gracious
+sakes alive! Well, I'll give it up now! I always know'd you was a
+simpleton, Tim Crane, but I _must_ confess I dident think you was
+_quite_ so big a fool! Want Melissy, dew ye? If that don't beat all!
+What an everlastin' old calf you must be to s'pose she'd _look_ at
+_you_. Why, you're old enough to be her father, and more tew--Melissy
+ain't only in her twenty-oneth year. What a reedickilous idee for a man
+o' your age! as gray as a rat, tew! I wonder what this world _is_
+a-comin' tew: 'tis astonishin' what fools old widdiwers will make o'
+themselves! Have Melissy! Melissy!"
+
+MR. C. "Why, widder, you surprise me. I'd no idee of being
+treated in this way after you'd been so polite to me, and made such a
+fuss over me and the girls."
+
+WIDOW. "Shet yer head, Tim Crane--nun o' yer sass to me.
+_There's_ yer hat on that are table, and _here's_ the door--and the
+sooner you put on _one_ and march out o' t'other, the better it'll be
+for you. And I advise you afore you try to git married agin, to go out
+West and see 'f yet wife's cold--and arter ye're satisfied on that pint,
+jest put a little lampblack on yer hair--'twould add to yer appearance
+undoubtedly, and be of sarvice tew you when you want to flourish round
+among the gals--and when ye've got yer hair fixt, jest splinter the
+spine o' yerback--'twould'n' hurt yer looks a mite--you'd be intirely
+unresistible if you was a _leetle_ grain straiter."
+
+MR. C. "Well, I never!"
+
+WIDOW. "Hold yer tongue--you consarned old coot you. I tell ye
+_there's_ your hat, and _there's_ the door--be off with yerself, quick
+metre, or I'll give ye a hyst with the broomstick."
+
+MR. C. "Gimmeni!"
+
+WIDOW (_rising_). "Git out, I say--I ain't a-gwine to start'
+here and be insulted under my own ruff--and so git along--and if ever
+you darken my door again, or say a word to Melissy, it'll be the woss
+for you--that's all."
+
+MR. C. "Treemenjous! What a buster!"
+
+WIDOW. "Go 'long--go 'long--go 'long, you everlastin' old gum.
+I won't hear another word" [stops her ears]. "I won't, I won't, I
+won't."
+
+  [_Exit Mr. Crane._
+
+  (_Enter Melissa, accompanied by Captain Canoot._)
+
+"Good-evenin', Cappen Well, Melissy, hum at last, hey? Why didn't you
+stay till mornin'? Party business keepin' me up here so late waitin' for
+you--when I'm eny most tired to death ironin' and workin' like a slave
+all day--ought to ben abed an hour ago. Thought ye left me with
+agreeable company, hey? I should like to know what arthly reason you had
+to s'pose old Crane was agreeable to me? I always despised the critter;
+always thought he wuz a turrible fool--and now I'm convinced on't. I'm
+completely disgusted wit him--and I let him know it to-night. I gin him
+a piece o' my mind 't I guess he'll be apt to remember for a spell. I
+ruther think he went off with a flea in his ear. Why, Cappen--did ye
+ever hear of such a piece of audacity in all yer born days? for
+_him_--_Tim Crane_--to durst to expire to my hand--the widder o' Deacon
+Bedott, jest as if _I'd_ condescen' to look at _him_--the old numbskull!
+He don't know B from a broomstick; but if he'd a-stayed much longer I'd
+a-teached him the difference, I guess. He's got his _walkin' ticket_
+now--I hope he'll lemme alone in futur. And where's Kier? Gun hum with
+the Cranes, hey! Well, I guess it's the last time. And now, Melissy
+Bedott, you ain't to have nothin' more to dew with them gals--d'ye hear?
+You ain't to 'sociate with 'em at all arter this--twould only be
+incurridgin' th' old man to come a-pesterin' me agin--and I won't have
+him round--d'ye hear? Don't be in a hurry, Cappen--and don't be alarmed
+at my gittin' in such passion about old Crane's presumption. Mabby you
+think 'twas onfeelin' in me to use him so--an' I don't say but what
+'twas _ruther_, but then he's so awful disagreeable tew me, you
+know--'tain't _everybody_ I'd treat in such a way. Well, if you _must_
+go, good-evenin'! Give my love to Hanner when you write agin--dew call
+frequently, Cappen Canoot, dew."--_The Bedott Papers._
+
+
+THE STAMMERING WIFE
+
+  When deeply in love with Miss Emily Pryne,
+  I vowed, if, the maiden would only be mine,
+    I would always endeavor to please her.
+  She blushed her consent, though the stuttering lass
+  Said never a word except "You're an ass----
+    An ass--an ass-iduous teaser!"
+
+  But when we were married, I found to my ruth,
+  The stammering lady had spoken the truth;
+    For often, in obvious dudgeon,
+  She'd say, if I ventured to give her a jog
+  In the way of reproof--"You're a dog--you're a dog----
+    A dog--a dog-matic curmudgeon!"
+
+  And once when I said, "We can hardly afford
+  This extravagant style, with our moderate hoard,
+    And hinted we ought to be wiser.
+  She looked, I assure you, exceedingly blue,
+  And fretfully cried, 'You're a Jew--you're a Jew----
+    A very ju-dicious adviser!'"
+
+  Again, when it happened that, wishing to shirk
+  Some rather unpleasant and arduous work,
+    I begged her to go to a neighbor,
+  She wanted to know why I made such a fuss,
+  And saucily said, "You're a cuss--cuss--cuss----
+    You were always ac-cus-tomed to labor!"
+
+  Out of temper at last with the insolent dame,
+  And feeling that madam was greatly to blame
+    To scold me instead of caressing,
+  I mimicked her speech--like a churl that I am--
+  And angrily said, "You're a dam--dam--dam
+    A dam-age instead of a blessing!"
+
+  JOHN GODFREY SAXE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HE ROSE TO THE OCCASION
+
+Several years ago there labored in one of the Western villages of
+Minnesota a preacher who was always in the habit of selecting his texts
+from the Old Testament, and particularly some portion of the history of
+Noah. No matter what the occasion was, he would always find some
+parallel incident from the history of this great character that would
+readily serve as a text or illustration.
+
+At one time he was called upon to unite the daughter of the village
+mayor and a prominent attorney in the holy bonds of matrimony. Two
+little boys, knowing his determination to give them a portion of the
+sacred history touching Noah's marriage, hit upon the novel idea of
+pasting together two leaves in the family Bible so as to connect,
+without any apparent break, the marriage of Noah and the description of
+the Ark of the Covenant.
+
+When the noted guests were all assembled and the contracting parties
+with attendants in their respective stations, the preacher began the
+ceremonies by reading the following text: "And when Noah was one hundred
+and forty years old, he took unto himself a wife" (then turning the page
+he continued) "three hundred cubits in length, fifty cubits in width,
+and thirty cubits in depth, and within and without besmeared with
+pitch." The story seemed a little strong, but he could not doubt the
+Bible, and after reading it once more and reflecting a moment, he turned
+to the startled assemblage with these remarks: "My beloved brethren,
+this is the first time in the history of my life that my attention has
+been called to this important passage of the Scriptures, but it seems to
+me that it is one of the most forcible illustrations of that grand
+eternal truth, that the nature of woman is exceedingly difficult to
+comprehend."
+
+
+POLITE
+
+In her "Abandoning an Adopted Farm," Miss Kate Sanborn tells of her
+annoyance at being besieged by agents, reporters and curiosity seekers.
+She says: "I was so perpetually harassed that I dreaded to see a
+stranger approach with an air of business. The other day I was just
+starting out for a drive when I noticed the usual stranger hurrying on.
+Putting my head out of the carriage, I said in a petulant and weary
+tone, 'Do you want to see me?' The young man stopped, smiled, and
+replied courteously, 'It gives me pleasure to look at you, madam, but I
+was going farther on.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A small boy in Boston, who had unfortunately learned to swear, was
+rebuked by his father. "Who told you that I swore?" asked the bad little
+boy. "Oh, a little bird told me," said the father. The boy stood and
+looked out of the window, scowling at some sparrows which were scolding
+and chattering. Then he had a happy thought. "I know who told you," he
+said. "It was one of those ---- sparrows."
+
+
+LOST, STRAYED OR STOLEN
+
+It is said that when President Polk visited Boston he was impressively
+received at Faneuil Hall Market. The clerk walked in front of him down
+the length of the market, announcing in loud tones:
+
+"Make way, gentlemen, for the President of the United States! The
+President of the United States! Fellow-citizens, make room!"
+
+The Chief had stepped into one of the stalls to look at some game, when
+Mr. Rhodes turned round suddenly, and, finding himself alone, suddenly
+changed his tone and exclaimed:
+
+"My gracious, where has that darned idiot got to?"
+
+
+HE CAME TO PAY
+
+  The editor sat with his head in his hands
+    And his elbows at rest on his knees;
+  He was tired of the ever-increasing demands
+    On his time, and he panted for ease.
+  The clamor for copy was scorned with a sneer,
+    And he sighed in the lowest of tones:
+  "Won't somebody come with a dollar to cheer
+    The heart of Emanuel Jones?"
+
+  Just then on the stairway a footstep was heard
+    And a rap-a-tap loud at the door,
+  And the flickering hope that had been long deferred
+    Blazed up like a beacon once more;
+  And there entered a man with a cynical smile
+    That was fringed with a stubble of red,
+  Who remarked, as he tilted a sorry old tile
+    To the back of an average head:
+
+  "I have come here to pay"--Here the editor cried
+    "You're as welcome as flowers in spring!
+  Sit down in this easy armchair by my side,
+    And excuse me awhile till I bring
+  A lemonade dashed with a little old wine
+    And a dozen cigars of the best....
+  Ah! Here we are! This, I assure you, is fine;
+    Help yourself, most desirable guest."
+
+  The visitor drank with a relish, and smoked
+    Till his face wore a satisfied glow,
+  And the editor, beaming with merriment, joked
+    In a joyous, spontaneous flow;
+  And then, when the stock of refreshments was gone,
+    His guest took occasion to say,
+  In accents distorted somewhat by a yawn,
+    "My errand up here is to pay----"
+
+  But the generous scribe, with a wave of his hand,
+    Put a stop to the speech of his guest,
+  And brought in a melon, the finest the land
+    Ever bore on its generous breast;
+  And the visitor, wearing a singular grin,
+    Seized the heaviest half of the fruit,
+  And the juice, as it ran in a stream from his chin,
+    Washed the mud of the pike from his boot.
+
+  Then, mopping his face on a favorite sheet
+    Which the scribe had laid carefully by,
+  The visitor lazily rose to his feet
+    With the dreariest kind of a sigh,
+  And he said, as the editor sought his address,
+    In his books to discover his due:
+  "I came here to pay--my respects to the press,
+    And to borrow a dollar of you!"
+
+  ANDREW V. KELLEY ("Parmenas Mix").
+
+
+
+
+A GENTLE COMPLAINT
+
+
+  FAIRFIELD, CONN.
+
+  P. T. BARNUM, Esq.
+
+_Dear Sir:_ We have a large soiled Asiatic elephant visiting us now,
+which we suspect belongs to you. His skin is a misfit, and he keeps
+moving his trunk from side to side nervously. If you have missed an
+elephant answering to this description, please come up and take him
+away, as we have no use for him. An elephant on a place so small as ours
+is more of a trouble than a convenience. I have endeavored to frighten
+him away, but he does not seem at all timid, and my wife and I, assisted
+by our hired man, tried to push him out of the yard, but our efforts
+were unavailing. He has made our home his own now for some days, and he
+has become quite _de trop_. We do not mind him so much in the daytime,
+for he then basks mostly on the lawn and plays with the children (to
+whom he has greatly endeared himself), but at night he comes up and lays
+his head on our piazza, and his deep and stertorous breathing keeps my
+wife awake. I feel as though I were entitled to some compensation for
+his keep. He is a large though not fastidious eater, and he has
+destroyed some of my plants by treading on them; and he also leaned
+against our woodhouse. My neighbor--who is something of a wag--says I
+have a lien on his trunk for the amount of his board; but that, of
+course, is only pleasantry. Your immediate attention will oblige.
+
+                                                     SIMEON FORD.
+
+
+THE BALLAD OF THE OYSTERMAN
+
+  It was a tall young oysterman lived by the riverside,
+  His shop was just upon the bank, his boat was on the tide;
+  The daughter of a fisherman, that was so straight and slim,
+  Lived over on the other bank, right opposite to him.
+
+  It was the pensive oysterman that saw a lovely maid,
+  Upon a moonlight evening, a-sitting in the shade:
+  He saw her wave a handkerchief, as much as if to say,
+  "I'm wide awake, young oysterman, and all the folks away."
+
+  Then up arose the oysterman, and to himself said he,
+  "I guess I'll leave the skiff at home, for fear that folks should see;
+  I read it in the story-book, that, for to kiss his dear,
+  Leander swam the Hellespont, and I will swim this here."
+
+  And he has leaped into the waves, and crossed the shining stream,
+  And he has clambered up the bank, all in the moonlight gleam;
+  Oh, there are kisses sweet as dew, and words as soft as rain----
+  But they have heard her father's step, and in he leaps again!
+
+  Out spoke the ancient fisherman: "Oh, what was that, my daughter?"
+  "'Twas nothing but a pebble, sir, I threw into the water."
+  "And what is that, pray tell me, love, that paddles off so fast?"
+  "It's nothing but a porpoise, sir, that's been a-swimming past."
+
+  Out spoke the ancient fisherman: "Now, bring me my harpoon!
+  I'll get into my fishing-boat, and fix the fellow soon."
+  Down fell that pretty innocent, as falls a snow-white lamb;
+  Her hair drooped round her pallid cheeks, like seaweed on a clam.
+
+  Alas! for those two loving ones! she waked not from her swound,
+  And he was taken with the cramp, and in the waves was drowned;
+  But Fate has metamorphosed them, in pity of their woe,
+  And now they keep an oyster shop for mermaids down below.
+
+  OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES.
+
+
+
+
+MARIETTA HOLLEY
+
+
+A PLEASURE EXERTION
+
+Wal, the very next mornin' Josiah got up with a new idee in his head.
+And he broached it to me to the breakfast table. They have been havin'
+sights of pleasure exertions here to Jonesville lately. Every week
+a'most they would go off on a exertion after pleasure, and Josiah was
+all up on end to go, too.
+
+That man is a well-principled man as I ever see, but if he had his head
+he would be worse than any young man I ever see to foller up picnics and
+4th of Julys and camp-meetin's and all pleasure exertions. But I don't
+encourage him in it. I have said to him time and again: "There is a time
+for everything, Josiah Allen, and after anybody has lost all their teeth
+and every mite of hair on the top of their head, it is time for 'em to
+stop goin' to pleasure exertions."
+
+But good land! I might jest as well talk to the wind! If that man should
+get to be as old as Mr. Methusler, and be goin' on a thousand years old,
+he would prick up his ears if he should hear of a exertion. All summer
+long that man has beset me to go to 'em, for he wouldn't go without me.
+Old Bunker Hill himself hain't any sounder in principle than Josiah
+Allen, and I have had to work head-work to make excuses and quell him
+down. But last week they was goin' to have one out on the lake, on a
+island, and that man sot his foot down that go he would.
+
+We was to the breakfast table a-talkin' it over, and says I:
+
+"I shan't go, for I am afraid of big water, anyway."
+
+Says Josiah: "You are jest as liable to be killed in one place as
+another."
+
+Says I, with a almost frigid air as I passed him his coffee, "Mebee I
+shall be drounded on dry land, Josiah Allen, but I don't believe it."
+
+Says he, in a complainin' tone: "I can't get you started onto a exertion
+for pleasure anyway."
+
+Says I, in a almost eloquent way: "I don't believe in makin' such
+exertions after pleasure. As I have told you time and agin, I don't
+believe in chasin' of her up. Let her come of her own free will. You
+can't ketch her by chasin' after her no more than you can fetch up a
+shower in a drowth by goin' outdoors and runnin' after a cloud up in the
+heavens above you. Sit down and be patient, and when it gets ready the
+refreshin' raindrops will begin to fall without none of your help. And
+it is jest so with pleasure, Josiah Allen; you may chase her up over all
+the oceans and big mountains of the earth, and she will keep ahead of
+you all the time; but set down and not fatigue yourself a-thinkin' about
+her, and like as not she will come right into your house unbeknown to
+you."
+
+"Wal," says he, "I guess I'll have another griddle-cake, Samantha."
+
+And as he took it and poured the maple syrup over it, he added gently
+but firmly:
+
+"I shall go, Samantha, to this exertion, and I should be glad to have
+you present at it, because it seems jest to me as if I should fall
+overboard durin' the day."
+
+Men are deep. Now that man knew that no amount of religious preachin'
+could stir me up like that one speech. For though I hain't no hand to
+coo, and don't encourage him in bein' spoony at all, he knows that I am
+wrapped almost completely up in him. I went.
+
+Wal, the day before the exertion Kellup Cobb come into our house of a
+errant, and I asked him if he was goin' to the exertion; and he said he
+would like to go, but he dassent.
+
+"Dassent!" says I. "Why dassent you?"
+
+"Why," says he, "how would the rest of the wimmin round Jonesville feel
+if I should pick out one woman and wait on her?" Says he bitterly: "I
+hain't perfect, but I hain't such a cold-blooded rascal as not to have
+any regard for wimmen's feelin's. I hain't no heart to spile all the
+comfort of the day for ten or a dozen wimmen."
+
+"Why," says I, in a dry tone, "one woman would be happy, accordin' to
+your tell."
+
+"Yes, one woman happy, and ten or fifteen gauled--bruised in the
+tenderest place."
+
+"On their heads?" says I, inquirin'ly.
+
+"No," says he, "their hearts. All the girls have probable had more or
+less hopes that I would invite 'em--make a choice of 'em. But when the
+blow was struck, when I had passed 'em by and invited some other, some
+happier woman, how would them slighted ones feel? How do you s'pose they
+would enjoy the day, seein' me with another woman, and they droopin'
+round without me? That is the reason, Josiah Allen's wife, that I
+dassent go. It hain't the keepin' of my horse through the day that stops
+me. For I could carry a quart of oats and a little jag of hay in the
+bottom of the buggy. If I had concluded to pick out a girl and go, I had
+got it all fixed out in my mind how I would manage. I had thought it
+over, while I was ondecided and duty was a-strugglin' with me. But I was
+made to see where the right way for me lay, and I am goin' to foller it.
+Joe Purday is goin' to have my horse, and give me seven shillin's for
+the use of it and its keepin'. He come to hire it just before I made up
+my mind that I hadn't ort to go.
+
+"Of course it is a cross to me. But I am willin' to bear crosses for the
+fair sect. Why," says he, a-comin' out in a open, generous way, "I would
+be willin', if necessary for the general good of the fair sect--I would
+be willin' to sacrifice ten cents for 'em, or pretty nigh that, I wish
+so well to 'em. I _hain't_ that enemy to 'em that they think I am. I
+can't marry 'em all, Heaven knows I can't, but I wish 'em well."
+
+"Wal," says I, "I guess my dishwater is hot; it must be pretty near
+bilin' by this time."
+
+And he took the hint and started off. I see it wouldn't do no good to
+argue with him that wimmen didn't worship him. For when a feller once
+gets it into his head that female wimmen are all after him, you might
+jest as well dispute the wind as argue with him. You can't convince him
+nor the wind--neither of 'em--so what's the use of wastin' breath on
+'em. And I didn't want to spend a extra breath that day anyway, knowin'
+I had such a hard day's work in front of me, a-finishin' cookin' up
+provisions for the exertion, and gettin' things done up in the house so
+I could leave 'em for all day.
+
+We had got to start about the middle of the night; for the lake was
+fifteen miles from Jonesville, and the old mare's bein' so slow, we had
+got to start an hour or two ahead of the rest. I told Josiah in the
+first on't, that I had just as lives set up all night as to be routed
+out at two o'clock. But he was so animated and happy at the idee of
+goin' that he looked on the bright side of everything, and he said that
+we would go to bed before dark, and get as much sleep as we commonly
+did. So we went to bed the sun an hour high. And I was truly tired
+enough to lay down, for I had worked dretful hard that day--almost
+beyond my strength. But we hadn't more'n got settled down into the bed,
+when we heard a buggy and a single wagon stop at the gate, and I got up
+and peeked through the window, and I see it was visitors come to spend
+the evenin.' Elder Bamber and his family, and Deacon Dobbinses' folks.
+
+Josiah vowed that he wouldn't stir one step out of that bed that night.
+But I argued with him pretty sharp, while I was throwin' on my clothes,
+and I finally got him started up. I hain't deceitful, but I thought if I
+got my clothes all on before they came in I wouldn't tell 'em that I had
+been to bed that time of day. And I did get all dressed up, even to my
+handkerchief pin. And I guess they had been there as much as ten minutes
+before I thought that I hadn't took my nightcap off. They looked
+dreadful curious at me, and I felt awful meachin'. But I jest ketched it
+off, and never said nothin'. But when Josiah come out of the bedroom
+with what little hair he has got standin' out in every direction, no two
+hairs a-layin' the same way, and one of his galluses a-hangin' most to
+the floor under his best coat, I up and told 'em. I thought mebby they
+wouldn't stay long. But Deacon Dobbinses' folks seemed to be all waked
+up on the subject of religion, and they proposed we should turn it into
+a kind of a conference meetin'; so they never went home till after ten
+o'clock.
+
+It was 'most eleven when Josiah and me got to bed agin. And then jest as
+I was gettin' into a drowse, I heered the cat in the buttery, and I got
+up to let her out. And that roused Josiah up, and he thought he heered
+the cattle in the garden, and he got up and went out. And there we was
+a-marchin' round 'most all night.
+
+And if we would get into a nap, Josiah would think it was mornin' and he
+would start up and go out to look at the clock. He seemed so afraid we
+would be belated and not get to that exertion in time. And there we was
+on our feet 'most all night. I lost myself once, for I dreampt that
+Josiah was a-drowndin', and Deacon Dobbins was on the shore a-prayin'
+for him. It started me so that I jist ketched hold of Josiah and
+hollered. It skairt him awfully, and says he, "What does ail you,
+Samantha? I hain't been asleep before to-night, and now you have rousted
+me up for good. I wonder what time it is!"
+
+And then he got out of bed again and went and looked at the clock. It
+was half-past one, and he said he "didn't believe we had better go to
+sleep again, for fear we would be too late for the exertion, and he
+wouldn't miss that for nothin'."
+
+"Exertion!" says I, in a awful cold tone. "I should think we had had
+exertion enough for one spell."
+
+But as bad and wore out as Josiah felt bodily, he was all animated in
+his mind about what a good time he was a-goin' to have. He acted
+foolish, and I told him so. I wanted to wear my brown-and-black gingham,
+and a shaker, but Josiah insisted that I should wear a new lawn dress
+that he had brought me home as a present, and I had jest got made up.
+So jest to please him, I put it on, and my best bonnet.
+
+And that man, all I could do and say, would put on a pair of pantaloons
+I had been a-makin' for Thomas Jefferson. They was gettin' up a milatary
+company to Jonesville, and these pantaloons was blue, with a red stripe
+down the sides--a kind of uniform. Josiah took a awful fancy to 'em, and
+says he:
+
+"I will wear 'em, Samantha; they look so dressy."
+
+Says I: "They hain't hardly done. I was goin' to stitch that red stripe
+on the left leg on again. They ain't finished as they ort to be, and I
+would not wear 'em. It looks vain in you."
+
+Says he: "I will wear 'em, Samantha. I will be dressed up for once."
+
+I didn't contend with him. Thinks I: we are makin' fools of ourselves by
+goin' at all, and if he wants to make a little bigger fool of himself by
+wearin' them blue pantaloons, I won't stand in his light. And then I had
+got some machine oil onto 'em, so I felt that I had got to wash 'em,
+anyway, before Thomas J. took 'em to wear. So he put 'em on.
+
+I had good vittles, and a sight of 'em. The basket wouldn't hold 'em
+all, so Josiah had to put a bottle of red rossberry jell into the pocket
+of his dress-coat, and lots of other little things, such as spoons and
+knives and forks, in his pantaloons and breast pockets. He looked like
+Captain Kidd armed up to the teeth, and I told him so. But good land!
+he would have carried a knife in his mouth if I had asked him to, he
+felt so neat about goin', and boasted so on what a splendid exertion it
+was goin' to be.
+
+We got to the lake about eight o'clock, for the old mare went slow. We
+was about the first ones there, but they kep' a-comin', and before ten
+o'clock we all got there.
+
+The young folks made up their minds they would stay and eat their dinner
+in a grove on the mainland. But the majority of the old folks thought it
+was best to go and set our tables where we laid out to in the first
+place. Josiah seemed to be the most rampant of any of the company about
+goin'. He said he shouldn't eat a mouthful if he didn't eat it on that
+island. He said what was the use of going to a pleasure exertion at all
+if you didn't try to take all the pleasure you could. So about twenty
+old fools of us sot sail for the island.
+
+I had made up my mind from the first on't to face trouble, so it didn't
+put me out so much when Deacon Dobbins, in gettin' into the boat,
+stepped onto my new lawn dress and tore a hole in it as big as my two
+hands, and ripped it half offen the waist. But Josiah havin' felt so
+animated and tickled about the exertion, it worked him up awfully when,
+jest after we had got well out onto the lake, the wind took his hat off
+and blew it away out onto the lake. He had made up his mind to look so
+pretty that day that it worked him up awfully. And then the sun beat
+down onto him; and if he had had any hair onto his head it would have
+seemed more shady.
+
+But I did the best I could by him. I stood by him and pinned on his red
+bandanna handkerchief onto his head. But as I was a-fixin' it on, I see
+there was suthin' more than mortification ailded him. The lake was rough
+and the boat rocked, and I see he was beginning to be awful sick. He
+looked deathly. Pretty soon I felt bad, too. Oh! the wretchedness of
+that time. I have enjoyed poor health considerable in my life, but never
+did I enjoy so much sickness in so short a time as I did on that
+pleasure exertion to that island. I s'pose our bein' up all night a'most
+made it worse. When we reached the island we was both weak as cats.
+
+I sot right down on a stun and held my head for a spell, for it did seem
+as if it would split open. After awhile I staggered up onto my feet, and
+finally I got so I could walk straight and sense things a little; though
+it was tejus work to walk anyway, for we had landed on a sand-bar, and
+the sand was so deep it was all we could do to wade through it, and it
+was as hot as hot ashes ever was.
+
+Then I began to take the things out of my dinner-basket. The butter had
+all melted, so we had to dip it out with a spoon. And a lot of water had
+washed over the side of the boat, so my pies and tarts and delicate
+cakes and cookies looked awful mixed up. But no worse than the rest of
+the company's did.
+
+But we did the best we could, and the chicken and cold meats bein' more
+solid, had held together quite well, so there was some pieces of it
+conside'able hull, though it was all very wet and soppy. But we
+separated 'em out as well as we could, and begun to make preparations to
+eat. We didn't feel so animated about eatin' as we should if we hadn't
+been so sick to our stomachs. But we felt as if we must hurry, for the
+man that owned the boat said he knew it would rain before night by the
+way the sun scalded.
+
+There wasn't a man or a woman there but what the presperation and sweat
+jest poured down their faces. We was a haggard and melancholy lookin'
+set. There was a piece of woods a little ways off, but it was up quite a
+rise of ground, and there wasn't one of us but what had the rheumatiz
+more or less. We made up a fire on the sand, though it seemed as if it
+was hot enough to steep tea and coffee as it was.
+
+After we got the fire started, I histed a umberell and sot down under it
+and fanned myself hard, for I was afraid of a sunstroke.
+
+Wal, I guess I had set there ten minutes or more, when all of a sudden I
+thought, Where is Josiah? I hadn't seen him since we had got there. I
+riz up and asked the company, almost wildly, if they had seen my
+companion, Josiah.
+
+They said, No, they hadn't.
+
+But Celestine Wilkin's little girl, who had come with her grandpa and
+grandma Gowdy, spoke up, and says she:
+
+"I seen him goin' off toward the woods. He acted dretful strange, too;
+he seemed to be a walkin' off sideways."
+
+"Had the sufferin's he had undergone made him delerious?" says I to
+myself; and then I started off on the run toward the woods, and old Miss
+Bobbet, and Miss Gowdy, and Sister Bamber, and Deacon Dobbinses' wife
+all rushed after me.
+
+Oh, the agony of them two or three minutes! my mind so distracted with
+fourbodin's, and the presperation and sweat a-pourin' down. But all of a
+sudden, on the edge of the woods, we found him. Miss Gowdy, weighin' a
+little less than me, mebby one hundred pounds or so, had got a little
+ahead of me. He sot backed up against a tree in a awful cramped
+position, with his left leg under him. He looked dretful uncomfortable.
+But when Miss Gowdy hollered out: "Oh, here you be! We have been skairt
+about you. What is the matter?" he smiled a dretful sick smile, and says
+he: "Oh, I thought I would come out here and meditate a spell. It was
+always a real treat to me to meditate."
+
+Just then I come up a-pantin' for breath, and as the wimmen all turned
+to face me, Josiah scowled at me and shook his fist at them four wimmen,
+and made the most mysterious motions of his hands toward 'em. But the
+minute they turned round he smiled in a sickish way, and pretended to go
+to whistlin'.
+
+Says I, "What is the matter, Josiah Allen? What are you off here for?"
+
+"I am a-meditatin', Samantha."
+
+Says I, "Do you come down and jine the company this minute, Josiah
+Allen. You was in a awful takin' to come with 'em, and what will they
+think to see you act so?"
+
+The wimmen happened to be a-lookin' the other way for a minute, and he
+looked at me as if he would take my head off, and made the strangest
+motions toward 'em; but the minute they looked at him he would pretend
+to smile--that deathly smile.
+
+Says I, "Come, Josiah Allen, we're goin' to get dinner right away, for
+we are afraid it will rain."
+
+"Oh, wal," says he, "a little rain, more or less, hain't a-goin' to
+hender a man from meditatin'."
+
+I was wore out, and says I, "Do you stop meditatin' this minute, Josiah
+Allen!"
+
+Says he, "I won't stop, Samantha. I let you have your way a good deal of
+the time; but when I take it into my head to meditate, you hain't
+a-goin' to break it up."
+
+Jest at that minute they called to me from the shore to come that minute
+to find some of my dishes. And we had to start off. But oh! the gloom of
+my mind that was added to the lameness of my body. Them strange motions
+and looks of Josiah wore on me. Had the sufferin's of the night, added
+to the trials of the day, made him crazy? I thought more'n as likely as
+not I had got a luny on my hands for the rest of my days.
+
+And then, oh, how the sun did scald down onto me, and the wind took the
+smoke so into my face that there wasn't hardly a dry eye in my head. And
+then a perfect swarm of yellow wasps lit down onto our vittles as quick
+as we laid 'em down, so you couldn't touch a thing without runnin' a
+chance to be stung. Oh, the agony of that time! the distress of that
+pleasure exertion! But I kep' to work, and when we had got dinner most
+ready I went back to call Josiah again. Old Miss Bobbet said she would
+go with me, for she thought she see a wild turnip in the woods there,
+and her Shakespeare had a awful cold, and she would try to dig one to
+give him. So we started up the hill again. He sot in the same position,
+all huddled up, with his leg under him, as uncomfortable a lookin'
+creeter as I ever see. But when we both stood in front of him, he
+pretended to look careless and happy, and smiled that sick smile.
+
+Says I, "Come, Josiah Allen; dinner is ready."
+
+"Oh, I hain't hungry," says he. "The table will probable be full. I had
+jest as lieves wait."
+
+"Table full!" says I. "You know jest as well as I do that we are eatin'
+on the ground. Do you come and eat your dinner this minute."
+
+"Yes, do come," says Miss Bobbet; "we can't get along without you!"
+
+"Oh!" says he, with a ghastly smile, pretending to joke, "I have got
+plenty to eat here--I can eat muskeeters."
+
+The air was black with 'em, I couldn't deny it.
+
+"The muskeeters will eat you, more likely," says I. "Look at your face
+and hands; they are all covered with 'em."
+
+"Yes, they have eat considerable of a dinner out of me, but I don't
+begrech 'em. I hain't small enough, nor mean enough, I hope, to begrech
+'em one good meal."
+
+Miss Bobbet started off in search of her wild turnip, and after she had
+got out of sight Josiah whispered to me with a savage look and a tone
+sharp as a sharp ax:
+
+"Can't you bring forty or fifty more wimmen up here? You couldn't come
+here a minute, could you, without a lot of other wimmen tight to your
+heels?"
+
+I begun to see daylight, and after Miss Bobbet had got her wild turnip
+and some spignut, I made some excuse to send her on ahead, and then
+Josiah told me all about why he had gone off by himself alone, and why
+he had been a-settin' in such a curious position all the time since we
+had come in sight of him.
+
+It seems he had set down on that bottle of rossberry jell. That red
+stripe on the side wasn't hardly finished, as I said, and I hadn't
+fastened my thread properly, so when he got to pullin' at 'em to try to
+wipe off the jell, the thread started, and bein' sewed on a machine,
+that seam jest ripped from top to bottom. That was what he had walked
+off sideways toward the woods for. But Josiah Allen's wife hain't one to
+desert a companion in distress. I pinned 'em up as well as I could, and
+I didn't say a word to hurt his feelin's, only I jest said this to him,
+as I was fixin' 'em--I fastened my gray eye firmly, and almost sternly
+onto him, and says I:
+
+"Josiah Allen, is this pleasure?" Says I, "You was determined to come."
+
+"Throw that in my face agin, will you? What if I was? There goes a pin
+into my leg! I should think I had suffered enough without your stabbin'
+of me with pins."
+
+"Wal, then, stand still, and not be a-caperin' round so. How do you
+s'pose I can do anything with you a-tossin' round so?"
+
+"Wal, don't be so aggravatin', then."
+
+I fixed 'em as well as I could, but they looked pretty bad, and there
+they was all covered with jell, too. What to do I didn't know. But
+finally I told him I would put my shawl onto him. So I doubled it up
+corner-ways as big as I could, so it almost touched the ground behind,
+and he walked back to the table with me. I told him it was best to tell
+the company all about it, but he just put his foot down that he
+wouldn't, and I told him if he wouldn't that he must make his own
+excuses to the company about wearin' the shawl. So he told 'em he always
+loved to wear summer shawls; he thought it made a man look so dressy.
+
+But he looked as if he would sink all the time he was a-sayin' it. They
+all looked dretful curious at him, and he looked as meachin' as if he
+had stole sheep--and meachin'er--and he never took a minute's comfort,
+nor I nuther. He was sick all the way back to the shore, and so was I.
+And jest as we got into our wagons and started for home, the rain began
+to pour down. The wind turned our old umberell inside out in no time. My
+lawn dress was most spilte before, and now I give up my bonnet. And I
+says to Josiah:
+
+"This bonnet and dress are spilte, Josiah Allen, and I shall have to buy
+some new ones."
+
+"Wal, wal! who said you wouldn't?" he snapped out.
+
+But it were on him. Oh, how the rain poured down! Josiah, havin' nothin'
+but a handkerchief on his head, felt it more than I did. I had took a
+apron to put on a-gettin' dinner, and I tried to make him let me pin it
+on his head. But says he, firmly:
+
+"I hain't proud and haughty, Samantha, but I do feel above ridin' out
+with a pink apron on for a hat."
+
+"Wal, then," says I, "get as wet as sop, if you had ruther."
+
+I didn't say no more, but there we jest sot and suffered. The rain
+poured down; the wind howled at us; the old mare went slow; the
+rheumatiz laid holt of both of us; and the thought of the new bonnet and
+dress was a-wearin' on Josiah, I knew.
+
+There wasn't a house for the first seven miles, and after we got there I
+thought we wouldn't go in, for we had got to get home to milk anyway,
+and we was both as wet as we could be. After I had beset him about the
+apron, we didn't say hardly a word for as much as thirteen miles or so;
+but I did speak once, as he leaned forward, with the rain drippin' offen
+his bandanna handkerchief onto his blue pantaloons. I says to him in
+stern tones:
+
+"Is this pleasure, Josiah Allen?"
+
+He give the old mare a awful cut and says he: "I'd like to know what you
+want to be so aggravatin' for?"
+
+I didn't multiply any more words with him, only as we drove up to our
+doorstep, and he helped me out into a mud-puddle, I says to him:
+
+"Mebbe you'll hear to me another time, Josiah Allen."
+
+And I'll bet he will. I hain't afraid to bet a ten-cent bill that that
+man won't never open his mouth to me again about a pleasure exertion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A simple-hearted and truly devout country preacher, who had tasted but
+few of the drinks of the world, took dinner with a high-toned family,
+where a glass of milk punch was quietly set down by each plate. In
+silence and happiness this new Vicar of Wakefield quaffed his goblet,
+and then added, "Madam, you should daily thank God for such a good
+cow."
+
+
+
+
+EDMUND CLARENCE STEDMAN
+
+
+THE DIAMOND WEDDING
+
+  O Love! Love! Love! What times were those,
+    Long ere the age of belles and beaux,
+  And Brussels lace and silken hose,
+  When, in the green Arcadian close,
+  You married Psyche under the rose,
+    With only the grass for bedding!
+  Heart to heart, and hand to hand,
+  You followed Nature's sweet command,
+  Roaming lovingly through the land,
+    Nor sighed for a Diamond Wedding.
+
+  So have we read in classic Ovid,
+  How Hero watched for her belovèd,
+    Impassioned youth, Leander.
+  She was the fairest of the fair,
+  And wrapt him round with her golden hair,
+  Whenever he landed cold and bare,
+  With nothing to eat and nothing to wear,
+    And wetter than any gander;
+  For Love was Love, and better than money;
+  The slyer the theft, the sweeter the honey;
+  And kissing was clover, all the world over,
+    Wherever Cupid might wander.
+
+  So thousands of years have come and gone,
+  And still the moon is shining on,
+    Still Hymen's torch is lighted;
+  And hitherto, in this land of the West,
+  Most couples in love have thought it best
+  To follow the ancient way of the rest,
+    And quietly get united.
+
+  But now, True Love, you're growing old--
+  Bought and sold, with silver and gold,
+    Like a house, or a horse and carriage!
+              Midnight talks,
+              Moonlight walks,
+  The glance of the eye and sweetheart sigh,
+  The shadowy haunts, with no one by,
+    I do not wish to disparage;
+              But every kiss
+              Has a price for its bliss,
+    In the modern code of marriage;
+              And the compact sweet
+              Is not complete
+  Till the high contracting parties meet
+    Before the altar of Mammon;
+  And the bride must be led to a silver bower,
+  Where pearls and rubies fall in a shower
+    That would frighten Jupiter Ammon!
+
+              I need not tell
+              How it befell,
+    (Since Jenkins has told the story
+  Over and over and over again,
+  In a style I cannot hope to attain,
+    And covered himself with glory!)
+  How it befell, one summer's day,
+  The king of the Cubans strolled this way--
+  King January's his name, they say--
+  And fell in love with the Princess May,
+    The reigning belle of Manhattan;
+  Nor how he began to smirk and sue,
+  And dress as lovers who come to woo,
+  Or as Max Maretzek and Jullien do,
+  When they sit full-bloomed in the ladies' view,
+    And flourish the wondrous baton.
+
+  He wasn't one of your Polish nobles,
+  Whose presence their country somehow troubles,
+    And so our cities receive them;
+  Nor one of your make-believe Spanish grandees,
+  Who ply our daughters with lies and candies,
+    Until the poor girls believe them.
+  No, he was no such charlatan--
+  Count de Hoboken Flash-in-the-pan,
+  Full of gasconade and bravado--
+  But a regular, rich Don Rataplan,
+  Santa Claus de la Muscovado,
+  Señor Grandissimo Bastinado.
+  His was the rental of half Havana
+  And all Matanzas; and Santa Anna,
+  Rich as he was, could hardly hold
+  A candle to light the mines of gold
+  Our Cuban owned, choke-full of diggers;
+  And broad plantations, that, in round figures,
+  Were stocked with at least five thousand niggers!
+
+  "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may!"
+  The Señor swore to carry the day,
+  To capture the beautiful Princess May,
+    With his battery of treasure;
+  Velvet and lace she should not lack;
+  Tiffany, Haughwout, Ball & Black,
+  Genin and Stewart his suit should back,
+    And come and go at her pleasure;
+  Jet and lava--silver and gold----
+  Garnets--emeralds rare to behold----
+  Diamonds--sapphires--wealth untold----
+  All were hers, to have and to hold:
+    Enough to fill a peck measure!
+
+  He didn't bring all his forces on
+  At once, but like a crafty old Don,
+  Who many a heart had fought and won,
+    Kept bidding a little higher;
+  And every time he made his bid,
+  And what she said, and all they did----
+                      'Twas written down,
+                      For the good of the town,
+  By Jeems, of _The Daily Flyer_.
+
+  A coach and horses, you'd think, would buy
+  For the Don an easy victory;
+    But slowly our Princess yielded.
+  A diamond necklace caught her eye,
+  But a wreath of pearls first made her sigh.
+  She knew the worth of each maiden glance,
+  And, like young colts, that curvet and prance,
+  She led the Don a deuce of a dance,
+    In spite of the wealth he wielded.
+
+  She stood such a fire of silks and laces,
+  Jewels and gold dressing-cases,
+  And ruby brooches, and jets and pearls,
+  That every one of her dainty curls
+  Brought the price of a hundred common girls;
+    Folks thought the lass demented!
+  But at last a wonderful diamond ring,
+  An infant Kohinoor, did the thing,
+  And, sighing with love, or something the same,
+                      (What's in a name?)
+    The Princess May consented.
+
+  Ring! ring the bells, and bring
+  The people to see the marrying!
+  Let the gaunt and hungry and ragged poor
+  Throng round the great cathedral door,
+  To wonder what all the hubbub's for,
+    And sometimes stupidly wonder
+  At so much sunshine and brightness which
+  Fall from the church upon the rich,
+    While the poor get all the thunder.
+
+  Ring, ring! merry bells, ring!
+              O fortunate few,
+              With letters blue,
+  Good for a seat and a nearer view!
+  Fortunate few, whom I dare not name;
+  _Dilettanti! Crême de la crême!_
+  We commoners stood by the street façade,
+  And caught a glimpse of the cavalcade.
+              We saw the bride
+              In diamond pride,
+  With jeweled maidens to guard her side----
+  Six lustrous maidens in tarletan.
+  She led the van of the caravan;
+    Close behind her, her mother
+  (Dressed in gorgeous _moire antique_,
+  That told as plainly as words could speak,
+  She was more antique than the other)
+    Leaned on the arm of Don Rataplan
+  Santa Claus de la Muscovado
+  Señor Grandissimo Bastinado.
+    Happy mortal! fortunate man!
+  And Marquis of El Dorado!
+
+  In they swept, all riches and grace,
+  Silks and satins, jewels and lace;
+  In they swept from the dazzled sun,
+  And soon in the church the deed was done.
+  Three prelates stood on the chancel high:
+  A knot that gold and silver can buy,
+  Gold and silver may yet untie,
+    Unless it is tightly fastened;
+  What's worth doing at all's worth doing well,
+  And the sale of a young Manhattan belle
+    Is not to be pushed or hastened;
+  So two Very-Reverends graced the scene,
+  And the tall Archbishop stood between,
+    By prayer and fasting chastened.
+  The Pope himself would have come from Rome,
+  But Garibaldi kept him at home.
+  Haply these robed prelates thought
+  Their words were the power that tied the knot;
+  But another power that love-knot tied,
+  And I saw the chain round the neck of the bride----
+  A glistening, priceless, marvelous chain,
+  Coiled with diamonds again and again,
+    As befits a diamond wedding;
+  Yet still 'twas a chain, and I thought she knew it,
+  And halfway longed for the will to undo it,
+    By the secret tears she was shedding.
+
+  But isn't it odd to think, whenever
+  We all go through that terrible River----
+  Whose sluggish tide alone can sever
+  (The Archbishop says) the Church decree,
+  By floating one in to Eternity
+  And leaving the other alive as ever----
+  As each wades through that ghastly stream,
+  The satins that rustle and gems that gleam,
+  Will grow pale and heavy, and sink away
+  To the noisome River's bottom-clay!
+  Then the costly bride and her maidens six
+  Will shiver upon the bank of the Styx,
+  Quite as helpless as they were born----
+  Naked souls, and very forlorn;
+  The Princess, then, must shift for herself,
+  And lay her royalty on the shelf;
+  She, and the beautiful Empress, yonder,
+  Whose robes are now the wide world's wonder,
+  And even ourselves, and our dear little wives,
+  Who calico wear each morn of their lives,
+  And the sewing-girls, and _les chiffonniers_,
+  In rags and hunger--a gaunt array----
+  And all the grooms of the caravan----
+  Ay, even the great Don Rataplan
+  Santa Claus de la Muscovado
+  Señor Grandissimo Bastinado----
+  That gold-encrusted, fortunate man----
+  All will land in naked equality:
+  The lord of a ribboned principality
+    Will mourn the loss of his _cordon_;
+  Nothing to eat and nothing to wear
+  Will certainly be the fashion there!
+  Ten to one, and I'll go it alone;
+  Those most used to a rag and bone,
+  Though here on earth they labor and groan,
+  Will stand it best, as they wade abreast
+    To the other side of Jordan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Grant's army crossed the Rappahannock Lee's veterans felt sure of
+sending it back as "tattered and torn" as ever it had been under the new
+general's numerous predecessors. After the crossing, the first prisoners
+caught by Mosby were asked many questions by curious Confederates.
+
+"What has become of your pontoon train?" said one such inquirer.
+
+"We haven't got any," answered the prisoner.
+
+"How do you expect to get over the river when you go back?"
+
+"Oh," said the Yankee, "we are not going back. Grant says that all the
+men he sends back can cross on a log."
+
+
+
+
+JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL
+
+
+WHAT MR. ROBINSON THINKS
+
+  Guvener B. is a sensible man;
+    He stays to his home an' looks arter his folks;
+  He draws his furrer ez straight ez he can,
+    An' into nobody's tater-patch pokes;
+              But John P.
+              Robinson he
+    Sez he wun't vote fer Guvener B.
+
+  My! ain't it terrible? Wut shall we du?
+  We can't never choose him o' course--thet's flat;
+  Guess we shall hev to come round (don't you?)
+    An' go in fer thunder an' guns, an' all that;
+              Fer John P.
+              Robinson he
+    Sez he wun't vote for Guvener B.
+
+  Gineral C. is a dreffle smart man:
+    He's ben on all sides thet give places or pelf;
+  But consistency still wuz a part of his plan----
+  He's ben true to _one_ party--an' thet is himself;
+              So John P.
+              Robinson he
+  Sez he shall vote for Gineral C.
+
+  Gineral C. he goes in fer the war;
+    He don't vally principle more'n an old cud;
+  Wut did God make us raytional creeturs fer,
+    But glory an' gunpowder, plunder an' blood?
+              So John P.
+              Robinson he
+    Sez he shall vote fer Gineral C.
+
+  We were gittin' on nicely up here to our village,
+    With good old idees o' wut's right an' wut ain't,
+  We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an pillage,
+    An' thet eppyletts worn't the best mark of a saint;
+              But John P.
+              Robinson he
+    Sez this kind o' thing's an exploded idee.
+
+  The side of our country must ollers be took,
+    An' President Polk, you know, _he_ is our country.
+  An' the angel thet writes all our sins in a book
+    Puts the _debit_ to him, an' to us the _per contry_;
+              An' John P.
+              Robinson he
+    Sez this is his view o' the things to a T.
+
+  Parson Wilbur he calls all these argimunts lies;
+    Sez they're nothin' on airth but jest _fee, faw, fum_:
+  An' thet all this big talk of our destinies
+    Is half on it ign'ance an' t'other half rum;
+  But John P.
+              Robinson he
+    Sez it ain't no sech thing; an', of course, so must we.
+
+  Parson Wilbur sez _he_ never heerd in his life
+    Thet th' Apostles rigged out in their swaller-tail coats,
+  An' marched round in front of a drum an' a fife,
+    To git some on 'em office, and some on 'em votes;
+              But John P.
+              Robinson he
+    Sez they didn't know everythin' down in Judee.
+
+  Wal, it's a marcy we've gut folks to tell us
+    The rights an' the wrongs o' these matters, I vow----
+  God sends country lawyers, an' other wise fellers,
+    To start the world's team w'en it gits in a slough;
+              Fer John P.
+              Robinson he
+  Sez the world'll go right, ef he hollers out Gee!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Old Gentleman_ (to driver of street-car): "My friend, what do you do
+with your wages every week--put part of it in the savings bank?"
+
+_Driver:_ "No, sir. After payin' the butcher an' grocer an' rent, I pack
+away what's left in barrels. I'm 'fraid of them savin's banks."
+
+
+MUSIC BY THE CHOIR
+
+After the church organist had played a voluntary, introducing airs from
+"1492" and "The Black Crook"--which, of course, were not recognized by
+the congregation--the choir arose for its first anthem of the morning.
+
+The choir was made up of two parts, a quartette and a chorus. The former
+occupied seats in the front row--because the members were paid. The
+chorus was grouped about, and made a somewhat striking as well as
+startling picture. There were some who could sing; some who thought they
+could; and there were others.
+
+The leader of this aggregation was the tenor of the quartette. He was
+tall, but his neck was responsible for considerable of his extreme
+height. Because he was paid to lead that choir he gave the impression to
+those who saw him that he was cutting some ice. A greater part of his
+contortions were lost because the audience did not face the choir.
+
+The organist struck a few chords, and without any preliminary
+wood-sawing the choir squared itself for action. Of course, there were a
+few who did not find the place till after rising--this is so in all
+choirs--but finally all appeared to be ready. The leader let out another
+link in his neck, and while his head was taking a motion similar to a
+hen's when walking, the choir broke loose. This is what it sang:
+
+"Abide-e-e--bide--ab--abide--with abide
+with--bide--a-a-a-a-bide--me--with me-e-e--abide with--with
+me--fast--f-a-a-s-t falls--abide fast the even--fast fa-a-a-lls
+the--abide with me--eventide--falls the e-e-eventide--fast--the--the
+dark--the darkness abide--the darkness deepens--Lor-r-d with
+me-e-e--Lord with me--deepens--Lord--Lord--darkness deepens--wi-i-th
+me--Lord with me--me a-a-a-a-abide."
+
+That was the first verse.
+
+There were three others.
+
+Every one is familiar with the hymn, hence it is not necessary to line
+the verses.
+
+During the performance, some who had not attended the choir rehearsal
+the Thursday evening previous were a little slow in spots. During the
+passage of these spots some would move their lips and not utter a sound,
+while others--particularly the ladies--found it convenient to feel of
+their back hair or straighten their hats. Each one who did this had a
+look as if she could honestly say, "I could sing that if I saw fit"--and
+the choir sang on.
+
+But when there came a note, a measure or a bar with which all were
+familiar, what a grand volume of music burst forth. It didn't happen
+this way many times, because the paid singers were supposed to do the
+greater part of the work. And the others were willing.
+
+At one point, after a breathing spell--or a rest, as musicians say--the
+tenor started alone. He didn't mean to. But by this break the deacons
+discovered that he was in the game and earning his salary. The others
+caught him at the first quarter, however, and away they went again, neck
+and neck. Before they finished, several had changed places. Sometimes
+"Abide" was ahead, and sometimes "Lord," but on the whole it was a
+pretty even thing.
+
+Then the minister--he drew a salary, also--read something out of the
+Bible, after which--as they say in the newspapers--"there was another
+well-rendered selection by the choir."
+
+This spasm was a tenor solo with chorus accompaniment. This was when he
+of the long neck got in his deadly work. The audience faced the choir
+and the salaried soloist was happy.
+
+When the huddling had ceased, the soloist stepped a trifle to the front
+and, with the confidence born of a man who stands pat on four aces, gave
+a majestic sweep of his head toward the organist. He said nothing, but
+the movement implied, "Let 'er go, Gallagher."
+
+Gallagher was on deck and after getting his patent leather shoes well
+braced on the sub-bass pedals, he knotted together a few chords, and the
+soloist was off. His selection was--that is, _verbatim_,
+
+  "Ge-yide me, ge-yide me, ge-yide me, O-,
+    Thor-or gra-ut Jaw-aw-hars-vah,
+  Pi-il-grum thraw-aw this baw-aw-raw-en larnd."
+
+And he sang other things.
+
+He was away up in G. He diminuendoed, struck a cantable movement, slid
+up over a crescendo, tackled a second ending by mistake--but it
+went--caught his second wind on a moderato, signified his desire for a
+raise in salary on a trill, did some brilliant work on a maestoso,
+reached high C with ease, went down into the bass clef and climbed out
+again, quavered and held, did sixteen notes by the handful--payable on
+demand--waltzed along a minor passage, gracefully turned the dal segno,
+skipped a chromatic run, did the con expressione act worthy of a De
+Reszke, poured forth volumes on a measure bold, broke the centre of an
+andante passage for three yards, retarded to beat the band, came near
+getting applause on a cadenza, took a six-barred triplet without turning
+a hair--then sat down.
+
+Between whiles the chorus had been singing something else. The notes
+bumped against the oiled natural-wood rafters--it was a modern
+church--ricochetted over the memorial windows, clung lovingly to the new
+$200 chandelier, floated along the ridgepole, patted the bald-headed
+deacons fondly, and finally died away in a bunch of contribution boxes
+in the corner.
+
+Then the minister preached.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Chicago man who has recently returned from Europe was asked by a
+friend what he thought of Rome.
+
+"Well," he replied, "Rome is a fair-sized town, but I couldn't help but
+think when I was there that she had seen her best days."
+
+
+
+
+MARK TWAIN
+
+
+THE NOTORIOUS JUMPING FROG OF CALAVERAS COUNTY[B]
+
+In compliance with the request of a friend of mine, who wrote me from
+the East, I called on good-natured, garrulous old Simon Wheeler, and
+inquired after my friend's friend, Leonidas W. Smiley, as requested to
+do, and I hereunto append the result. I have a lurking suspicion that
+Leonidas W. Smiley is a myth; that my friend never knew such a
+personage; and that he only conjectured that if I asked old Wheeler
+about him, it would remind him of his infamous Jim Smiley, and he would
+go to work and bore me to death with some exasperating reminiscence of
+him as long and as tedious as it should be useless to me. If that was
+the design, it succeeded.
+
+[Footnote B: By permission of the American Publishing Company.]
+
+I found Simon Wheeler dozing comfortably by the barroom stove of the
+dilapidated tavern in the decayed mining camp of Angel's, and I noticed
+that he was fat and bald-headed, and had an expression of winning
+gentleness and simplicity upon his tranquil countenance. He roused up,
+and gave me good day. I told him a friend of mine had commissioned me to
+make some inquiries about a cherished companion of his boyhood named
+_Leonidas W_. Smiley--_Reverend Leonidas W._ Smiley, a young minister of
+the Gospel, who he had heard was at one time a resident of Angel's Camp.
+I added that if Mr. Wheeler could tell me anything about this Reverend
+Leonidas W. Smiley I would feel under many obligations to him.
+
+Simon Wheeler backed me into a corner and blockaded me there with his
+chair, and then sat down and reeled off the monotonous narrative which
+follows this paragraph. He never smiled, he never frowned, he never
+changed his voice from the gentle-flowing key to which he tuned his
+initial sentence, he never betrayed the slightest suspicion of
+enthusiasm; but all through the interminable narrative there ran a vein
+of impressive earnestness and sincerity which showed me plainly that, so
+far from his imagining that there was anything ridiculous or funny about
+his story, he regarded it as a really important matter, and admired its
+two heroes as men of transcendent genius in _finesse_. I let him go on
+in his own way, and never interrupted him once.
+
+Reverend Leonidas W. H'm, Reverend Le--well, there was a feller here
+once by the name of _Jim_ Smiley, in the winter of '49--or maybe it was
+the spring of '50--I don't recollect exactly, somehow, though what makes
+me think it was one or the other is because I remember the big flume
+warn't finished when he first come to the camp; but anyway, he was the
+curiosest man about always betting on anything that turned up you ever
+see, if he could get anybody to bet on the other side; and if he
+couldn't he'd change sides. Any way that suited the other man would suit
+_him_--any way just so's he got a bet, _he_ was satisfied. But still he
+was lucky, uncommon lucky; he most always come out winner. He was always
+ready and laying for a chance; there couldn't be no solit'ry thing
+mentioned but that feller'd offer to bet on it, and take ary side you
+please, as I was just telling you. If there was a horse-race, you'd find
+him flush or you'd find him busted at the end of it; if there was a
+dog-fight, he'd bet on it; if there was a cat-fight, he'd bet on it; if
+there was a chicken-fight, he'd bet on it; why, if there was two birds
+setting on a fence, he would bet you which one would fly first; or if
+there was a camp-meeting he would be there reg'lar to bet on Parson
+Walker, which he judged to be the best exhorter about here, and so he
+was too, and a good man. If he even see a straddle-bug start to go
+anywhere, he would bet how long it would take him to get to--to wherever
+he was going to, and if you took him up, he would foller that
+straddle-bug to Mexico but what he would find out where he was bound for
+and how long he was on the road. Lots of the boys here has seen that
+Smiley and can tell you about him. Why, it never made no difference to
+_him_--he'd bet on _any_thing--the dangdest feller. Parson Walker's wife
+laid very sick once, for a good while, and it seemed as if they warn't
+going to save her; but one morning he come in, and Smiley up and asked
+him how she was, and he said she was considable better--thank the Lord
+for His inf'nite mercy--and coming on so smart that with the blessing of
+Prov'dence she'd get well yet; and Smiley, before he thought, says,
+"Well, I'll resk two-and-a-half she don't anyway."
+
+Thish-yer Smiley had a mare--the boys called her the fifteen-minute nag,
+but that was only in fun, you know, because of course she was faster
+than that--and he used to win money on that horse, for all she was slow
+and always had the asthma, or the distemper, or the consumption, or
+something of that kind. They used to give her two or three hundred yards
+start, and then pass her under way; but always at the fag end of the
+race she'd get excited and desperate like, and come cavorting and
+straddling up, and scattering her legs around limber, sometimes in the
+air and sometimes out to one side among the fences, and kicking up
+m-o-r-e dust and raising m-o-r-e racket with her coughing and sneezing
+and blowing her nose--and _always_ fetch up at the stand just about a
+neck ahead, as near as you could cipher it down.
+
+And he had a little small bull-pup, that to look at him you'd think he
+warn't worth a cent but to set around and look ornery and lay for a
+chance to steal something. But as soon as money was up on him he was a
+different dog; his under-jaw'd begin to stick out like the fo'castle of
+a steamboat, and his teeth would uncover and shine like the furnaces.
+And a dog might tackle him and bully-rag him, and bite him, and throw
+him over his shoulder two or three times, and Andrew Jackson--which was
+the name of the pup--Andrew Jackson would never let on but what _he_ was
+satisfied, and hadn't expected nothing else--and the bets being doubled
+and doubled on the other side all the time, till the money was all up;
+and then all of a sudden he would grab that other dog just by the j'int
+of his hind leg and freeze to it--not chaw, you understand, but only
+just grip and hang on till they throwed up the sponge, if it was a year.
+Smiley always come out winner on that pup, till he harnessed a dog once
+that didn't have no hind legs, because they'd been sawed off in a
+circular saw, and when the thing had gone along far enough, and the
+money was all up, and he come to make a snatch for his pet holt, he see
+in a minute how he'd been imposed on, and how the other dog had him in
+the door, so to speak, and he 'peared surprised, and then he looked
+sorter discouraged-like, and didn't try no more to win the fight, and so
+he got shucked out bad. He give Smiley a look, as much as to say his
+heart was broke, and it was _his_ fault, for putting up a dog that
+hadn't no hind legs for him to take holt of, which was his main
+dependence in a fight, and then he limped off a piece and laid down and
+died. It was a good pup, was that Andrew Jackson, and would have made a
+name for hisself if he'd lived, for the stuff was in him and he had
+genius--I know it, because he hadn't no opportunities to speak of, and
+it don't stand to reason that a dog could make such a fight as he could
+under them circumstances if he hadn't no talent. It always makes me feel
+sorry when I think of that last fight of his'n, and the way it turned
+out.
+
+Well, thish-yer Smiley had rat-tarriers, and chicken cocks, and
+tom-cats, and all them kind of things till you couldn't rest, and you
+couldn't fetch nothing for him to bet on but he'd match you. He ketched
+a frog one day, and took him home, and said he cal'lated to educate him;
+and so he never done nothing for three months but set in his back yard
+and learn that frog to jump. And you bet you he _did_ learn him, too.
+He'd give him a little punch behind, and the next minute you'd see that
+frog whirling in the air like a doughnut--see him turn one summerset, or
+maybe a couple, if he got a good start, and come down flat-footed and
+all right, like a cat. He got him up so in the matter of ketching flies,
+and kep' him in practice so constant, that he'd nail a fly every time as
+fur as he could see him. Smiley said all a frog wanted was education and
+he could do 'most anything--and I believe him. Why, I've seen him set
+Dan'l Webster down here on this floor--Dan'l Webster was the name of the
+frog--and sing out, "Flies, Dan'l, flies!" and quicker'n you could wink
+he'd spring straight up and snake a fly off'n the counter there, and
+flop down on the floor ag'in as solid as a gob of mud, and fall to
+scratching the side of his head with his hind foot as indifferent as if
+he hadn't no idea he'd been doin' any more'n any frog might do. You
+never see a frog so modest and straightfor'ard as he was, for all he was
+so gifted. And when it come to fair and square jumping on a dead level,
+he could get over more ground at one straddle than any animal of his
+breed you ever see. Jumping on a dead level was his strong suit, you
+understand; and when it come to that, Smiley would ante up money on him
+as long as he had a red. Smiley was monstrous proud of his frog, and
+well he might be, for fellers that had traveled and been everywheres all
+said he laid over any frog that ever _they_ see.
+
+Well, Smiley kep' the beast in a little lattice box, and he used to
+fetch him downtown sometimes and lay for a bet. One day a feller--a
+stranger in the camp, he was--come acrost him with his box, and says:
+
+"What might it be that you've got in the box?"
+
+And Smiley says, sorter indifferent-like, "It might be a parrot, or it
+might be a canary, maybe, but it ain't--it's only just a frog."
+
+And the feller took it, and looked at it careful, and turned it round
+this way and that, and says, "H'm--so 'tis. Well, what's _he_ good for?"
+
+"Well," Smiley says, easy and careless, "he's good enough for _one_
+thing, I should judge--he can outjump any frog in Calaveras County."
+
+The feller took the box again, and took another long, particular look,
+and give it back to Smiley, and says, very deliberate, "Well," he says,
+"I don't see no p'ints about that frog that's any better'n any other
+frog."
+
+"Maybe you don't," Smiley says. "Maybe you understand frogs and maybe
+you don't understand 'em; maybe you've had experience, and maybe you
+ain't only a amature, as it were. Anyways, I've got _my_ opinion, and
+I'll resk forty dollars that he can outjump any frog in Calaveras
+County."
+
+And the feller studied a minute, and then says, kinder sad like, "Well,
+I'm only a stranger here, and I ain't got no frog; but if I had a frog
+I'd bet you."
+
+And then Smiley says, "That's all right--that's all right--if you'll
+hold my box a minute I'll go and get you a frog." And so the feller took
+the box, and put up his forty dollars along with Smiley's, and set down
+to wait.
+
+So he set there a good while thinking and thinking to himself, and then
+he got the frog out and prized his mouth open and took a teaspoon and
+filled him full of quail shot--filled him pretty near up to his
+chin--and set him on the floor. Smiley he went to the swamp and slopped
+around in the mud for a long time, and finally he ketched a frog, and
+fetched him in, and give him to this feller, and says:
+
+"Now, if you're ready, set him alongside of Dan'l with his forepaws just
+even with Dan'l's, and I'll give the word." Then he says,
+"One--two--three--_git!_" and him and the feller touched up the frogs
+from behind, and the new frog hopped off lively, but Dan'l give a heave,
+and hysted up his shoulders--so--like a Frenchman, but it warn't no
+use--he couldn't budge; he was planted as solid as a church, and he
+couldn't no more stir than if he was anchored out. Smiley was a good
+deal surprised, and he was disgusted too, but he didn't have no idea
+what the matter was, of course.
+
+The feller took the money and started away; and when he was going out at
+the door, he sorter jerked his thumb over his shoulder--so--at Dan'l,
+and says again, very deliberate, "Well," he says, "_I_ don't see no
+p'ints about that frog that's any better'n any other frog."
+
+Smiley he stood scratching his head and looking down at Dan'l a long
+time, and at last he says, "I do wonder what in the nation that frog
+throw'd off for--I wonder if there ain't something the matter with
+him--he 'pears to look mighty baggy, somehow." And he ketched Dan'l by
+the nap of the neck, and hefted him, and says, "Why, blame my cats if he
+don't weigh five pound!" and turned him upside down and he belched out a
+double handful of shot. And then he see how it was, and he was the
+maddest man--he set the frog down and took out after that feller, but he
+never ketched him. And----
+
+[Here Simon Wheeler heard his name called from the front yard, and got
+up to see what was wanted.] And turning to me as he moved away, he said:
+"Just set where you are, stranger, and rest easy--I ain't going to be
+gone a second."
+
+But, by your leave, I did not think that a continuation of the history
+of the enterprising vagabond _Jim_ Smiley would be likely to afford me
+much information concerning the Reverend _Leonidas W._ Smiley, and so I
+started away.
+
+At the door I met the sociable Wheeler returning, and he buttonholed me
+and recommenced:
+
+"Well, thish-yer Smiley had a yaller, one-eyed cow that didn't have no
+tail, only just a short stump like a bannanner, and----"
+
+However, lacking both time and inclination, I did not wait to hear about
+the afflicted cow, but took my leave.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Little Masterpieces of American Wit
+and Humor, by Various
+
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+<pre>
+
+Project Gutenberg's Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor
+       Volume I
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Thomas L. Masson
+
+Release Date: April 21, 2007 [EBook #21196]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMERICAN WIT AND HUMOR ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Bryan Ness, Janet Blenkinship and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/img.frontispiece.jpg"  width="338" height="550" alt="frontis" title="" /></div>
+
+
+
+  <h1>Little Masterpieces of<br /><br />
+  American Wit and Humor<br /><br /></h1>
+
+
+  <h2>Edited by Thomas L. Masson<br /><br /></h2>
+
+
+  <h3>VOLUME I<br /><br /></h3>
+
+  <h4><i>By</i><br /><br /></h4>
+
+
+<div class='centered'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="2" width="50%"cellspacing="2" summary="Volume I. authors">
+<tr><td align='left'>Washington Irving</td><td align='right'>Oliver Wendell Holmes</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Benjamin Franklin</td><td align='right'>"Josh Billings"</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"Mark Twain"</td><td align='right'>Charles Dudley Warner</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>James T. Fields</td><td align='right'>Henry Ward Beecher</td></tr>
+<tr><td colspan="2" align='center'>and others</td><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+<p class='center'><br />Copyright, 1903, by<br />
+<span class="smcap">Doubleday, Page &amp; Company</span><br />
+Published, October, 1903<br />
+</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><br /></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/img.note.jpg"  width="600" height="373" alt="Introduction by Mark Twain" title="" /></div>
+<p><br /></p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="INTRODUCTION" id="INTRODUCTION"></a>INTRODUCTION</h2>
+
+
+<blockquote><p>This anthology of American Humor represents a process of selection that
+has been going on for more than fifteen years, and in giving it to the
+public it is perhaps well that the Editor should precede it with a few
+words of explanation as to its meaning and scope.</p>
+
+<p>Not only all that is fairly representative of the work of our American
+humorists, from Washington Irving to "Mr. Dooley," has been gathered
+together, but also much that is merely fugitive and anecdotal. Thus, in
+many instances literary finish has been ignored in order that certain
+characteristic and purely American bits should have their place. The
+Editor is not unmindful of the danger of this plan. For where there is
+such a countless number of witticisms (so-called) as are constantly
+coming to the surface, and where so many of them are worthless, it must
+always take a rare discrimination to detect the genuine from the false.
+This difficulty is greatly increased by the difference of opinion that
+exists, even among the elect, with regard to the merit of particular
+jokes. To paraphrase an old adage, what is one man's laughter may be
+another man's dirge. The Editor desires to make it plain, however, that
+the responsibility in this particular instance is entirely his own. He
+has made his selections without consulting any one, knowing that if a
+consultation of experts should attempt to decide about the contents of a
+volume of American humor, no volume would ever be published.</p>
+
+<p>The reader will doubtless recognize, in this anthology, many old
+friends. He may also be conscious of omissions. These omissions are due
+either to the restrictions of publishers, or the impossibility of
+obtaining original copies, or the limited space.</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ACKNOWLEDGMENTS" id="ACKNOWLEDGMENTS"></a>ACKNOWLEDGMENTS</h2>
+
+
+<p>Acknowledgments are made herewith to the following publishers, who have
+kindly consented to allow the reproduction of the material designated.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">F. A. Stokes &amp; Company</span>, New York: "A Rhyme for Priscilla,"
+F. D. Sherman; "The Bohemians of Boston," Gelett Burgess; "A Kiss
+in the Rain," "Bessie Brown, M. D.," S. M. Peck.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dodd, Mead &amp; Company</span>, New York: Four Extracts, E. W.
+Townsend ("Chimmie Fadden").</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bowen-Merrill Company</span>, Indianapolis: "The Elf Child," "A
+Liz-Town Humorist," James Whitcomb Riley.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lee &amp; Shepard</span>, Boston: "The Meeting of the Clabberhuses,"
+"A Philosopher," "The Ideal Husband to His Wife," "The Prayer of
+Cyrus Brown," "A Modern Martyrdom," S. W. Foss; "After the
+Funeral," "What He Wanted It For," J. M. Bailey.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bacheller, Johnson &amp; Bacheller</span>, New York: "The Composite
+Ghost," Marion Couthouy Smith.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">D. Appleton &amp; Company</span>, New York: "Illustrated Newspapers,"
+"Tushmaker's Tooth-puller," G. H. Derby ("John Ph&oelig;nix").</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">T. B. Peterson &amp; Company</span>, Philadelphia: "Hans Breitmann's
+Party," "Ballad," C. G. Leland.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Century Company</span>, New York: "Miss Malony on the Chinese
+Question," Mary Mapes Dodge; "The Origin of the Banjo," Irwin
+Russell; "The Walloping Window-Blind," Charles E. Carryl; "The
+Patriotic Tourist," "What's in a Name?" "'Tis Ever Thus," R. K.
+Munkittrick.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Forbes &amp; Company</span>, Chicago: "If I Should Die To-Night,"
+"The Pessimist," Ben King.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">J. S. Ogilvie &amp; Company</span>, New York: Three Short Extracts,
+C. B. Lewis ("Mr. Bowser").</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Chelsea Company</span>, New York: "The Society Reporter's
+Christmas," "The Dying Gag," James L. Ford.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Keppler &amp; Schwarzmann</span>, New York: "Love Letters of Smith,"
+H. C. Bunner.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Small, Maynard &amp; Company</span>, Boston: "On Gold-Seeking," "On
+Expert Testimony," F. P. Dunne ("Mr. Dooley"); "Tale of the
+Kennebec Mariner," "Grampy Sings a Song," "Cure for Homesickness,"
+Holman F. Day.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Belford, Clarke &amp; Company</span>, Chicago: "A Fatal Thirst," "On
+Cyclones," Bill Nye.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Duquesne Distributing Company</span>, Harmanville, Pennsylvania:
+"In Society," William J. Kountz, Jr. (from the bound edition of
+"Billy Baxter's Letters").</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">R. H. Russell</span>, New York: Nonsense Verses&mdash;"Impetuous
+Samuel," "Misfortunes Never Come Singly," "Aunt Eliza," "Susan";
+"The City as a Summer Resort," "Avarice and Generosity," "Work and
+Sport," "Home Life of Geniuses," F. P. Dunne ("Mr. Dooley"); "My
+Angeline," Harry B. Smith.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">H. S. Stone &amp; Company</span>, Chicago: "The Preacher Who Flew His
+Kite." "The Fable of the Caddy," "The Two Mandolin Players," George
+Ade.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">American Publishing Company</span>, Hartford: "A Pleasure
+Excursion," "An Unmarried Female," Marietta Holley; "Colonel
+Sellers," "Mark Twain."</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">G. P. Putnam's Sons</span>, New York: "Living in the Country," "A
+Glass of Water," "A Family Horse," F. S. Cozzens.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">George Dillingham</span>, New York: "Natral and Unnatral
+Aristocrats," "To Correspondents," "The Bumblebee," "Josh
+Billings"; "Among the Spirits," "The Shakers," "A. W. to His Wife,"
+"Artemus Ward and the Prince of Wales," "A Visit to Brigham Young,"
+"The Tower of London," "One of Mr. Ward's Business Letters," "On
+'Forts,'" Artemus Ward; "At the Musicale," "At the Races," Geo. V.
+Hobart ("John Henry").</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Thompson &amp; Thomas</span>, Chicago: "How to Hunt the Fox," Bill
+Nye.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Little, Brown &amp; Company</span>, Boston: "Street Scenes in
+Washington," Louisa May Alcott.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">E. H. Bacon &amp; Company</span>, Boston: "A Boston Lullaby," James
+Jeffrey Roche.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Houghton, Mifflin &amp; Company</span>, Boston: "My Aunt," "The
+Wonderful One-hoss Shay," "Foreign Correspondence,"
+"Music-Pounding" (extract), "The Ballad of the Oysterman,"
+"Dislikes" (short extract), "The Height of the Ridiculous," "An
+Aphorism and a Lecture," O. W. Holmes; "The Yankee Recruit," "What
+Mr. Robinson Thinks," "The Courtin'," "A Letter from Mr. Ezekiel
+Bigelow," "Without and Within," J. R. Lowell; "Five Lives," "Eve's
+Daughter," E. R. Sill; "The Owl-Critic," "The Alarmed Skipper,"
+James T. Fields; "My Summer in a Garden," "Plumbers," "How I Killed
+a Bear," C. D. Warner; "Little Breeches," John Hay; "The Stammering
+Wife," "Coquette," "My Familiar," "Early Rising," J. G. Saxe; "The
+Diamond Wedding," E. C. Stedman; "Melons," "Society Upon the
+Stanislaus," "The Heathen Chinee," "To the Pliocene Skull," Bret
+Harte; "The Total Depravity of Inanimate Things," K. K. C. Walker;
+"Palabras Grandiosas," Bayard Taylor; "Mrs. Johnson," William Dean
+Howells; "A Plea for Humor," Agnes Repplier; "The Minister's
+Wooing," Harriet Beecher Stowe.</p></div>
+
+<p>In addition, the Editor desires to make his personal acknowledgments to
+the following authors: F. P. Dunne, Mary Mapes Dodge, Gelett Burgess, R.
+K. Munkittrick, E. W. Townsend, F. D. Sherman.</p>
+
+<p>For such small paragraphs, anecdotes and witticisms as have been used in
+these volumes, acknowledgment is hereby made to the following newspapers
+and periodicals:</p>
+
+<p><i>Chicago Record</i>, <i>Boston Globe</i>, <i>Texas Siftings</i>, <i>New Orleans Times
+Democrat</i>, <i>Providence Journal</i>, <i>New York Evening Sun</i>, <i>Atlanta
+Constitution</i>, <i>Macon Telegraph</i>, <i>New Haven Register</i>, <i>Chicago Times</i>,
+<i>Analostan Magazine</i>, <i>Harper's Bazaar</i>, <i>Florida Citizen</i>, <i>Saturday
+Evening Post</i>, <i>Chicago Times Herald</i>, <i>Washington Post</i>, <i>Cleveland
+Plain Dealer</i>, <i>New York Tribune</i>, <i>Chicago Tribune</i>, <i>Pittsburg
+Bulletin</i>, <i>Philadelphia Ledger</i>, <i>Youth's Companion</i>, <i>Harper's
+Magazine</i>, <i>Duluth Evening Herald</i>, <i>Boston Medical and Surgical
+Journal</i>, <i>Washington Times</i>, <i>Rochester Budget</i>, <i>Bangor News</i>, <i>Boston
+Herald</i>, <i>Pittsburg Dispatch</i>, <i>Christian Advocate</i>, <i>Troy Times</i>,
+<i>Boston Beacon</i>, <i>New Haven News</i>, <i>New York Herald</i>, <i>Philadelphia
+Call</i>, <i>Philadelphia News</i>, <i>Erie Dispatch</i>, <i>Town Topics</i>, <i>Buffalo
+Courier</i>, <i>Life</i>, <i>San Francisco Wave</i>, <i>Boston Home Journal</i>, <i>Puck</i>,
+<i>Washington Hatchet</i>, <i>Detroit Free Press</i>, <i>Babyhood</i>, <i>Philadelphia
+Press</i>, <i>Judge</i>, <i>New York Sun</i>, <i>Minneapolis Journal</i>, <i>San Francisco
+Argonaut</i>, <i>St. Louis Sunday Globe</i>, <i>Atlanta Constitution</i>, <i>Buffalo
+Courier</i>, <i>New York Weekly</i>, <i>Starlight Messenger</i> (St Peter, Minn.).</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<h2><br /><br />CONTENTS</h2>
+
+
+
+<div class='centered'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="CONTENTS">
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>WASHINGTON IRVING</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Wouter Van Twiller</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_1'><b>1</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Wilhelmus Kieft</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_8'><b>8</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Peter Stuyvesant</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_13'><b>13</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Antony Van Corlear</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_15'><b>15</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>General Van Poffenburgh</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_18'><b>18</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>BENJAMIN FRANKLIN</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Maxims</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_21'><b>21</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Model of a Letter of Recommendation of a</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Person You Are Unacquainted with</td><td align='right'><a href='#LETTER'><b>21</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Epitaph for Himself</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_22'><b>22</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>WILLIAM ALLEN BUTLER</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Nothing to Wear</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_24'><b>24</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>HENRY WARD BEECHER</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Deacon Marble</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_39'><b>39</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Deacon's Trout</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_41'><b>41</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Dog Noble and the Empty Hole</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_43'><b>43</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>ALBERT GORTON GREENE</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Old Grimes</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_45'><b>45</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>My Aunt</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_49'><b>49</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Deacon's Masterpiece; or, the Wonderful</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"One-hoss Shay"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_63'><b>63</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Foreign Correspondence</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_106'><b>106</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Music-Pounding</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_109'><b>109</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Ballad of the Oysterman</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_142'><b>142</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>NATHANIEL PARKER WILLIS</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Miss Albina McLush</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_51'><b>51</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Love in a Cottage</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_125'><b>125</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>WILLIAM PITT PALMER</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A Smack in School</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_56'><b>56</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>B. P. SHILLABER ("Mrs. Partington")</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Fancy Diseases</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_58'><b>58</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Bailed Out</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_59'><b>59</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Seeking a Comet</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_59'><b>59</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Going to California</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_60'><b>60</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Mrs. Partington in Court</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_61'><b>61</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>EDWARD ROWLAND SILL</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Five Lives</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_68'><b>68</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>JAMES T. FIELDS</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Owl-Critic</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_70'><b>70</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Alarmed Skipper</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_104'><b>104</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>JOHN HAY</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Little Breeches</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_74'><b>74</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>HENRY W. SHAW ("Josh Billings")</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Natral and Unnatral Aristokrats</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_77'><b>77</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Yankee Recruit</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_81'><b>81</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>What Mr. Robinson Thinks</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_170'><b>170</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>CHARLES DUDLEY WARNER</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>My Summer in a Garden</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_90'><b>90</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>FREDERICK S. COZZENS</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Living in the Country</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_111'><b>111</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>CHARLES GODFREY LELAND</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Hans Breitmann's Party</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_127'><b>127</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>FRANCES M. WHICHER</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Tim Crane and the Widow</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_129'><b>129</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>JOHN GODFREY SAXE</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Stammering Wife</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_135'><b>135</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>ANDREW V. KELLEY ("Parmenas Mix")</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>He Came to Pay</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_139'><b>139</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>MARIETTA HOLLEY</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A Pleasure Exertion</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_144'><b>144</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>EDMUND CLARENCE STEDMAN</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Diamond Wedding</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_162'><b>162</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>MISCELLANEOUS</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Why He Left</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_23'><b>23</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A Boy's Essay on Girls</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_38'><b>38</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Identified</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_47'><b>47</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>One Better</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_48'><b>48</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A Rendition</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_57'><b>57</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A Cause for Thanks</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_73'><b>73</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Crowded</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_103'><b>103</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Wedding Journey</td><td align='right'><a href='#THE_WEDDING_JOURNEY'><b>105</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A Case of Conscience</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_126'><b>126</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>He Rose to the Occasion</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_136'><b>136</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Polite</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_137'><b>137</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Lost, Strayed or Stolen</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_138'><b>138</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A Gentle Complaint</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_141'><b>141</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Music by the Choir</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_173'><b>173</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><th colspan="2" align='center'>MARK TWAIN</th></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Notorious Jumping Frog of Calveras County</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_177'><b>177</b></a></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="WASHINGTON_IRVING" id="WASHINGTON_IRVING"></a>WASHINGTON IRVING</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="WOUTER_VAN_TWILLER" id="WOUTER_VAN_TWILLER"></a>WOUTER VAN TWILLER</h3>
+
+
+<p>It was in the year of our Lord 1629 that Mynheer Wouter Van Twiller was
+appointed Governor of the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, under the
+commission and control of their High Mightinesses the Lords States
+General of the United Netherlands, and the privileged West India
+Company.</p>
+
+<p>This renowned old gentleman arrived at New Amsterdam in the merry month
+of June, the sweetest month in all the year; when dan Apollo seems to
+dance up the transparent firmament&mdash;when the robin, the thrush, and a
+thousand other wanton songsters make the woods to resound with amorous
+ditties, and the luxurious little bob-lincon revels among the clover
+blossoms of the meadows&mdash;all which happy coincidences persuaded the old
+dames of New Amsterdam, who were skilled in the art of foretelling
+events, that this was to be a happy and prosperous administration.</p>
+
+<p>The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twiller was descended from a long
+line of Dutch burgomasters, who had successively dozed away their lives
+and grown fat upon the bench of magistracy in Rotterdam, and who had
+comported themselves with such singular wisdom and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span> propriety that they
+were never either heard or talked of&mdash;which, next to being universally
+applauded, should be the object of ambition of all magistrates and
+rulers. There are two opposite ways by which some men make a figure in
+the world; one, by talking faster than they think, and the other, by
+holding their tongues and not thinking at all. By the first, many a
+smatterer acquires the reputation of a man of quick parts; by the other,
+many a dunderpate, like the owl, the stupidest of birds, comes to be
+considered the very type of wisdom. This, by the way, is a casual
+remark, which I would not, for the universe, have it thought I apply to
+Governor Van Twiller. It is true he was a man shut up within himself,
+like an oyster, and rarely spoke, except in monosyllables; but then it
+was allowed he seldom said a foolish thing. So invincible was his
+gravity that he was never known to laugh or even to smile through the
+whole course of a long and prosperous life. Nay, if a joke were uttered
+in his presence that set light-minded hearers in a roar, it was observed
+to throw him into a state of perplexity. Sometimes he would deign to
+inquire into the matter, and when, after much explanation, the joke was
+made as plain as a pike-staff, he would continue to smoke his pipe in
+silence, and at length, knocking out the ashes, would exclaim, "Well, I
+see nothing in all that to laugh about."</p>
+
+<p>With all his reflective habits, he never made up his mind on a subject.
+His adherents ac<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span>counted for this by the astonishing magnitude of his
+ideas. He conceived every subject on so grand a scale that he had not
+room in his head to turn it over and examine both sides of it. Certain
+it is that, if any matter were propounded to him on which ordinary
+mortals would rashly determine at first glance, he would put on a vague,
+mysterious look, shake his capacious head, smoke some time in profound
+silence, and at length observe that "he had his doubts about the
+matter"; which gained him the reputation of a man slow of belief and not
+easily imposed upon. What is more, it gained him a lasting name; for to
+this habit of the mind has been attributed his surname of Twiller; which
+is said to be a corruption of the original Twijfler, or, in plain
+English, <i>Doubter</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The person of this illustrious old gentleman was formed and proportioned
+as though it had been molded by the hands of some cunning Dutch
+statuary, as a model of majesty and lordly grandeur. He was exactly five
+feet six inches in height, and six feet five inches in circumference.
+His head was a perfect sphere, and of such stupendous dimensions that
+Dame Nature, with all her sex's ingenuity, would have been puzzled to
+construct a neck capable of supporting it; wherefore she wisely declined
+the attempt, and settled it firmly on the top of his backbone, just
+between the shoulders. His body was oblong, and particularly capacious
+at bottom; which was wisely ordered by Providence<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> seeing that he was a
+man of sedentary habits, and very averse to the idle labor of walking.
+His legs were short, but sturdy in proportion to the weight they had to
+sustain; so that when erect he had not a little the appearance of a beer
+barrel on skids. His face, that infallible index of the mind, presented
+a vast expanse, unfurrowed by those lines and angles which disfigure the
+human countenance with what is termed expression. Two small gray eyes
+twinkled feebly in the midst, like two stars of lesser magnitude in a
+hazy firmament; and his full-fed cheeks, which seemed to have taken toll
+of everything that went into his mouth, were curiously mottled and
+streaked with dusky red, like a Spitzenberg apple.</p>
+
+<p>His habits were as regular as his person. He daily took his four stated
+meals, appropriating exactly an hour to each; he smoked and doubted
+eight hours, and he slept the remaining twelve of the four-and-twenty.
+Such was the renowned Wouter Van Twiller&iuml;&mdash;a true philosopher, for his
+mind was either elevated above, or tranquilly settled below, the cares
+and perplexities of this world. He had lived in it for years, without
+feeling the least curiosity to know whether the sun revolved round it,
+or it round the sun; and he had watched for at least half a century the
+smoke curling from his pipe to the ceiling, without once troubling his
+head with any of those numerous theories by which a philosopher would
+have perplexed his brain,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span> in accounting for its rising above the
+surrounding atmosphere.</p>
+
+<p>In his council he presided with great state and solemnity. He sat in a
+huge chair of solid oak, hewn in the celebrated forest of the Hague,
+fabricated by an experienced timmerman of Amsterdam, and curiously
+carved about the arms and feet into exact imitations of gigantic eagle's
+claws. Instead of a scepter, he swayed a long Turkish pipe, wrought with
+jasmine and amber, which had been presented to a stadtholder of
+Holland at the conclusion of a treaty with one of the petty Barbary
+powers. In this stately chair would he sit, and this magnificent pipe
+would he smoke, shaking his right knee with a constant motion, and
+fixing his eye for hours together upon a little print of Amsterdam which
+hung in a black frame against the opposite wall of the council chamber.
+Nay, it has even been said that when any deliberation of extraordinary
+length and intricacy was on the carpet, the renowned Wouter would shut
+his eyes for full two hours at a time, that he might not be disturbed by
+external objects; and at such times the internal commotion of his mind
+was evinced by certain regular guttural sounds, which his admirers
+declared were merely the noise of conflict made by his contending doubts
+and opinions.</p>
+
+<p>It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled to collect these
+biographical anecdotes of the great man under consideration. The facts
+respecting him were so scattered and vague, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> divers of them so
+questionable in point of authenticity, that I have had to give up the
+search after many, and decline the admission of still more, which would
+have tended to heighten the coloring of his portrait.</p>
+
+<p>I have been the more anxious to delineate fully the person and habits of
+Wouter Van Twiller, from the consideration that he was not only the
+first but also the best Governor that ever presided over this ancient
+and respectable province; and so tranquil and benevolent was his reign,
+that I do not find throughout the whole of it a single instance of any
+offender being brought to punishment&mdash;a most indubitable sign of a
+merciful Governor, and a case unparalleled, excepting in the reign of
+the illustrious King Log, from whom, it is hinted, the renowned Van
+Twiller was a lineal descendant.</p>
+
+<p>The very outset of the career of this excellent magistrate was
+distinguished by an example of legal acumen that gave flattering presage
+of a wise and equitable administration. The morning after he had been
+installed in office, and at the moment that he was making his breakfast
+from a prodigious earthen dish, filled with milk and Indian pudding, he
+was interrupted by the appearance of Wandle Schoonhoven, a very
+important old burgher of New Amsterdam, who complained bitterly of one
+Barent Bleecker, inasmuch as he refused to come to a settlement of
+accounts, seeing that there was a heavy balance in favor of the said
+Wandle. Governor Van<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> Twiller, as I have already observed, was a man of
+few words; he was likewise a mortal enemy to multiplying writings&mdash;or
+being disturbed at his breakfast. Having listened attentively to the
+statement of Wandle Schoonhoven, giving an occasional grunt, as he
+shoveled a spoonful of Indian pudding into his mouth&mdash;either as a sign
+that he relished the dish, or comprehended the story&mdash;he called unto him
+his constable, and pulling out of his breeches pocket a huge jack-knife,
+despatched it after the defendant as a summons, accompanied by his
+tobacco-box as a warrant.</p>
+
+<p>This summary process was as effectual in those simple days as was the
+seal-ring of the great Haroun Alraschid among the true believers. The
+two parties being confronted before him, each produced a book of
+accounts, written in a language and character that would have puzzled
+any but a High-Dutch commentator or a learned decipherer of Egyptian
+obelisks. The sage Wouter took them one after the other, and having
+poised them in his hands and attentively counted over the number of
+leaves, fell straightway into a very great doubt, and smoked for half an
+hour without saying a word; at length, laying his finger beside his nose
+and shutting his eyes for a moment, with the air of a man who has just
+caught a subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe from his
+mouth, puffed forth a column of tobacco smoke, and with marvelous
+gravity and solemnity pronounced, that, having care<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span>fully counted over
+the leaves and weighed the books, it was found that one was just as
+thick and as heavy as the other; therefore, it was the final opinion of
+the court that the accounts were equally balanced: therefore, Wandle
+should give Barent a receipt, and Barent should give Wandle a receipt,
+and the constable should pay the costs.</p>
+
+<p>This decision, being straightway made known, diffused general joy
+throughout New Amsterdam, for the people immediately perceived that they
+had a very wise and equitable magistrate to rule over them. But its
+happiest effect was that not another lawsuit took place throughout the
+whole of his administration; and the office of constable fell into such
+decay that there was not one of those losel scouts known in the province
+for many years. I am the more particular in dwelling on this
+transaction, not only because I deem it one of the most sage and
+righteous judgments on record, and well worthy the attention of modern
+magistrates, but because it was a miraculous event in the history of the
+renowned Wouter&mdash;being the only time he was ever known to come to a
+decision in the whole course of his life.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="WILHELMUS_KIEFT" id="WILHELMUS_KIEFT"></a>WILHELMUS KIEFT</h3>
+
+
+<p>As some sleek ox, sunk in the rich repose of a clover field, dozing and
+chewing the cud, will bear repeated blows before it raises itself, so
+the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, having waxed fat under the drowsy
+reign of the Doubter,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> needed cuffs and kicks to rouse it into action.
+The reader will now witness the manner in which a peaceful community
+advances toward a state of war; which is apt to be like the approach of
+a horse to a drum, with much prancing and little progress, and too often
+with the wrong end foremost.</p>
+
+<p>Wilhelmus Kieft, who in 1634 ascended the gubernatorial chair (to borrow
+a favorite though clumsy appellation of modern phraseologists), was of a
+lofty descent, his father being inspector of windmills in the ancient
+town of Saardam; and our hero, we are told, when a boy, made very
+curious investigations into the nature and operations of these machines,
+which was one reason why he afterward came to be so ingenious a
+Governor. His name, according to the most authentic etymologists, was a
+corruption of Kyver&mdash;that is to say, a <i>wrangler</i> or <i>scolder</i>, and
+expressed the characteristic of his family, which, for nearly two
+centuries, have kept the windy town of Saardam in hot water and produced
+more tartars and brimstones than any ten families in the place; and so
+truly did he inherit this family peculiarity, that he had not been a
+year in the government of the province before he was universally
+denominated William the Testy. His appearance answered to his name. He
+was a brisk, wiry, waspish little old gentleman, such a one as may now
+and then be seen stumping about our city in a broad-skirted coat with
+huge buttons, a cocked hat stuck on the back of his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> head, and a cane as
+high as his chin. His face was broad, but his features were sharp; his
+cheeks were scorched into a dusky red by two fiery little gray eyes, his
+nose turned up, and the corners of his mouth turned down, pretty much
+like the muzzle of an irritable pug-dog.</p>
+
+<p>I have heard it observed by a profound adept in human physiology, that
+if a woman waxes fat with the progress of years, her tenure of life is
+somewhat precarious, but if haply she withers as she grows old, she
+lives forever. Such promised to be the case with William the Testy, who
+grew tough in proportion as he dried. He had withered, in fact, not
+through the process of years, but through the tropical fervor of his
+soul, which burnt like a vehement rush-light in his bosom, inciting him
+to incessant broils and bickerings. Ancient tradition speaks much of his
+learning, and of the gallant inroads he had made into the dead
+languages, in which he had made captive a host of Greek nouns and Latin
+verbs, and brought off rich booty in ancient saws and apothegms, which
+he was wont to parade in his public harangues, as a triumphant general
+of yore his <i>spolia opima</i>. Of metaphysics he knew enough to confound
+all hearers and himself into the bargain. In logic he knew the whole
+family of syllogisms and dilemmas, and was so proud of his skill that he
+never suffered even a self-evident fact to pass unargued. It was
+observed, however, that he seldom got into an argument without getting
+into a perplexity, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> then into a passion with his adversary for not
+being convinced gratis.</p>
+
+<p>He had, moreover, skirmished smartly on the frontiers of several of the
+sciences, was fond of experimental philosophy, and prided himself upon
+inventions of all kinds. His abode, which he had fixed at a Bowerie or
+country-seat at a short distance from the city, just at what is now
+called Dutch Street, soon abounded with proofs of his ingenuity: patent
+smoke-jacks that required a horse to work them; Dutch ovens that roasted
+meat without fire; carts that went before the horses; weathercocks that
+turned against the wind; and other wrong-headed contrivances that
+astonished and confounded all beholders. The house, too, was beset with
+paralytic cats and dogs, the subjects of his experimental philosophy;
+and the yelling and yelping of the latter unhappy victims of science,
+while aiding in the pursuit of knowledge, soon gained for the place the
+name of "Dog's Misery," by which it continues to be known even at the
+present day.</p>
+
+<p>It is in knowledge as in swimming: he who flounders and splashes on the
+surface makes more noise, and attracts more attention, than the
+pearl-diver who quietly dives in quest of treasures to the bottom. The
+vast acquirements of the new Governor were the theme of marvel among the
+simple burghers of New Amsterdam; he figured about the place as learned
+a man as a Bonze at Pekin, who had mastered one-half of the Chinese<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span>
+alphabet, and was unanimously pronounced a "universal genius!" ...</p>
+
+<p>Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the reign of William the Testy;
+for henceforth, in the troubles, perplexities and confusion of the
+times, he seems to have been totally overlooked, and to have slipped
+forever through the fingers of scrupulous history....</p>
+
+<p>It is true that certain of the early provincial poets, of whom there
+were great numbers in the Nieuw Nederlandts, taking advantage of his
+mysterious exit, have fabled that, like Romulus, he was translated to
+the skies, and forms a very fiery little star somewhere on the left claw
+of the Crab; while others, equally fanciful, declare that he had
+experienced a fate similar to that of the good King Arthur, who, we are
+assured by ancient bards, was carried away to the delicious abodes of
+fairy-land, where he still exists in pristine worth and vigor, and will
+one day or another return to restore the gallantry, the honor and the
+immaculate probity which prevailed in the glorious days of the Round
+Table.</p>
+
+<p>All these, however, are but pleasing fantasies, the cobweb visions of
+those dreaming varlets, the poets, to which I would not have my
+judicious readers attach any credibility. Neither am I disposed to
+credit an ancient and rather apocryphal historian who asserts that the
+ingenious Wilhelmus was annihilated by the blowing down of one of his
+windmills; nor a writer of latter times, who affirms that he fell a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span>
+victim to an experiment in natural history, having the misfortune to
+break his neck from a garret window of the stadthouse in attempting to
+catch swallows by sprinkling salt upon their tails. Still less do I put
+my faith in the tradition that he perished at sea in conveying home to
+Holland a treasure of golden ore, discovered somewhere among the haunted
+regions of the Catskill Mountains.</p>
+
+<p>The most probable account declares that, what with the constant troubles
+on his frontiers, the incessant schemings and projects going on in his
+own pericranium, the memorials, petitions, remonstrances and sage pieces
+of advice of respectable meetings of the sovereign people, and the
+refractory disposition of his councilors, who were sure to differ from
+him on every point and uniformly to be in the wrong, his mind was kept
+in a furnace-heat until he became as completely burnt out as a Dutch
+family pipe which has passed through three generations of hard smokers.
+In this manner did he undergo a kind of animal combustion, consuming
+away like a farthing rush-light; so that when grim death finally snuffed
+him out there was scarce left enough of him to bury.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="PETER_STUYVESANT" id="PETER_STUYVESANT"></a>PETER STUYVESANT</h3>
+
+
+<p>Peter Stuyvesant was the last, and, like the renowned Wouter Van
+Twiller, the best of our ancient Dutch Governors, Wouter having
+surpassed all who preceded him, and Peter, or Piet,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> as he was sociably
+called by the old Dutch burghers, who were ever prone to familiarize
+names, having never been equaled by any successor. He was in fact the
+very man fitted by nature to retrieve the desperate fortunes of her
+beloved province, had not the Fates, those most potent and unrelenting
+of all ancient spinsters, destined them to inextricable confusion.</p>
+
+<p>To say merely that he was a hero would be doing him great injustice; he
+was in truth a combination of heroes; for he was of a sturdy, raw-boned
+make, like Ajax Telamon, with a pair of round shoulders that Hercules
+would have given his hide for (meaning his lion's hide) when he
+undertook to ease old Atlas of his load. He was, moreover, as Plutarch
+describes Coriolanus, not only terrible for the force of his arm, but
+likewise of his voice, which sounded as though it came out of a barrel;
+and, like the self-same warrior, he possessed a sovereign contempt for
+the sovereign people, and an iron aspect which was enough of itself to
+make the very bowels of his adversaries quake with terror and dismay.
+All this martial excellency of appearance was inexpressibly heightened
+by an accidental advantage, with which I am surprised that neither Homer
+nor Virgil have graced any of their heroes. This was nothing less than a
+wooden leg, which was the only prize he had gained in bravely fighting
+the battles of his country, but of which he was so proud that he was
+often heard to declare he valued it more than all his other<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> limbs put
+together: indeed, so highly did he esteem it that he had it gallantly
+enchased and relieved with silver devices, which caused it to be related
+in divers histories and legends that he wore a silver leg.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="ANTONY_VAN_CORLEAR" id="ANTONY_VAN_CORLEAR"></a>ANTONY VAN CORLEAR</h3>
+
+
+<p>The very first movements of the great Peter, on taking the reins of
+government, displayed his magnanimity, though they occasioned not a
+little marvel and uneasiness among the people of the Manhattoes. Finding
+himself constantly interrupted by the opposition, and annoyed by the
+advice of his privy council, the members of which had acquired the
+unreasonable habit of thinking and speaking for themselves during the
+preceding reign, he determined at once to put a stop to such grievous
+abominations. Scarcely, therefore, had he entered upon his authority,
+than he turned out of office all the meddlesome spirits of the factious
+cabinet of William the Testy; in place of whom he chose unto himself
+counselors from those fat, somniferous, respectable burghers who had
+flourished and slumbered under the easy reign of Walter the Doubter. All
+these he caused to be furnished with abundance of fair long pipes, and
+to be regaled with frequent corporation dinners, admonishing them to
+smoke, and eat, and sleep for the good of the nation, while he took the
+burden of government upon his own shoulders&mdash;an arrangement to which
+they all gave hearty acquiescence.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous rout among the inventions and
+expedients of his learned predecessor, rooting up his patent gallows,
+where caitiff vagabonds were suspended by the waistband; demolishing his
+flag-staffs and windmills, which, like mighty giants, guarded the
+ramparts of New Amsterdam; pitching to the duyvel whole batteries of
+Quaker guns; and, in a word, turning topsy-turvy the whole philosophic,
+economic and windmill system of the immortal sage of Saardam.</p>
+
+<p>The honest folks of New Amsterdam began to quake now for the fate of
+their matchless champion, Antony the Trumpeter, who had acquired
+prodigious favor in the eyes of the women by means of his whiskers and
+his trumpet. Him did Peter the Headstrong cause to be brought into his
+presence, and eying him for a moment from head to foot, with a
+countenance that would have appalled anything else than a sounder of
+brass&mdash;"Pr'ythee, who and what art thou?" said he.</p>
+
+<p>"Sire," replied the other, in no wise dismayed, "for my name, it is
+Antony Van Corlear; for my parentage, I am the son of my mother; for my
+profession, I am champion and garrison of this great city of New
+Amsterdam." "I doubt me much," said Peter Stuyvesant, "that thou art
+some scurvy costard-monger knave. How didst thou acquire this paramount
+honor and dignity?" "Marry, sir," replied the other, "like many a great
+man before me, simply <i>by sounding my own trumpet</i>." "Ay, is it so?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span>
+quoth the Governor; "why, then, let us have a relish of thy art."
+Whereupon the good Antony put his instrument to his lips, and sounded a
+charge with such a tremendous outset, such a delectable quaver, and such
+a triumphant cadence, that it was enough to make one's heart leap out of
+one's mouth only to be within a mile of it. Like as a war-worn charger,
+grazing in peaceful plains, starts at a strain of martial music, pricks
+up his ears, and snorts, and paws, and kindles at the noise, so did the
+heroic Peter joy to hear the clangor of the trumpet; for of him might
+truly be said, what was recorded of the renowned St. George of England,
+"there was nothing in all the world that more rejoiced his heart than to
+hear the pleasant sound of war, and see the soldiers brandish forth
+their steeled weapons." Casting his eye more kindly, therefore, upon the
+sturdy Van Corlear, and finding him to be a jovial varlet, shrewd in his
+discourse, yet of great discretion and immeasurable wind, he straightway
+conceived a vast kindness for him, and discharging him from the
+troublesome duty of garrisoning, defending and alarming the city, ever
+after retained him about his person as his chief favorite, confidential
+envoy and trusty squire. Instead of disturbing the city with disastrous
+notes, he was instructed to play so as to delight the Governor while at
+his repasts, as did the minstrels of yore in the days of the glorious
+chivalry&mdash;and on all public occasions to rejoice the ears of the people
+with warlike<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> melody thereby keeping alive a noble and martial spirit.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="GENERAL_VAN_POFFENBURGH" id="GENERAL_VAN_POFFENBURGH"></a>GENERAL VAN POFFENBURGH</h3>
+
+
+<p>It is tropically observed by honest old Socrates, that heaven infuses
+into some men at their birth a portion of intellectual gold, into others
+of intellectual silver, while others are intellectually furnished with
+iron and brass. Of the last class was General Van Poffenburgh; and it
+would seem as if dame Nature, who will sometimes be partial, had given
+him brass enough for a dozen ordinary braziers. All this he had
+contrived to pass off upon William the Testy for genuine gold; and the
+little Governor would sit for hours and listen to his gunpowder stories
+of exploits, which left those of Tirante the White, Don Belianis of
+Greece, or St. George and the Dragon quite in the background. Having
+been promoted by William Kieft to the command of his whole disposable
+forces, he gave importance to his station by the grandiloquence of his
+bulletins, always styling himself Commander-in-Chief of the Armies of
+the New Netherlands, though in sober truth these armies were nothing
+more than a handful of hen-stealing, bottle-bruising ragamuffins.</p>
+
+<p>In person he was not very tall, but exceedingly round; neither did his
+bulk proceed from his being fat, but windy, being blown up by a
+prodigious conviction of his own importance, until he resembled one of
+those bags of wind given by &AElig;olus, in an incredible fit of generosity,
+to that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> vagabond warrior Ulysses. His windy endowments had long excited
+the admiration of Antony Van Corlear, who is said to have hinted more
+than once to William the Testy that in making Van Poffenburgh a general
+he had spoiled an admirable trumpeter.</p>
+
+<p>As it is the practice in ancient story to give the reader a description
+of the arms and equipments of every noted warrior, I will bestow a word
+upon the dress of this redoubtable commander. It comported with his
+character, being so crossed and slashed, and embroidered with lace and
+tinsel, that he seemed to have as much brass without as nature had
+stored away within. He was swathed, too, in a crimson sash, of the size
+and texture of a fishing-net&mdash;doubtless to keep his swelling heart from
+bursting through his ribs. His face glowed with furnace-heat from
+between a huge pair of well-powdered whiskers, and his valorous soul
+seemed ready to bounce out of a pair of large, glassy, blinking eyes,
+projecting like those of a lobster.</p>
+
+<p>I swear to thee, worthy reader, if history and tradition belie not this
+warrior, I would give all the money in my pocket to have seen him
+accoutred <i>cap-&aacute;-pie</i>&mdash;booted to the middle, sashed to the chin,
+collared to the ears, whiskered to the teeth, crowned with an
+overshadowing cocked hat, and girded with a leathern belt ten inches
+broad, from which trailed a falchion, of a length that I dare not
+mention. Thus equipped, he strutted about, as bitter-looking a man of
+war<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span> as the far-famed More, of Morehall, when he sallied forth to slay
+the dragon of Wantley. For what says the ballad?</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Had you but seen him in this dress,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">How fierce he looked and how big,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You would have thought him for to be<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Some Egyptian porcupig.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He frighted all&mdash;cats, dogs, and all,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Each cow, each horse, and each hog;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For fear they did flee, for they took him to be<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Some strange outlandish hedgehog."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">&mdash;<i>Knickerbocker's History of New York.</i><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>"A friend of mine," said a citizen, "asked me the other evening to go
+and call on some friends of his who had lost the head of the family the
+day previous. He had been an honest old man, a laborer with a pick and
+shovel. While we were with the family an old man entered who had worked
+by his side for years. Expressing his sorrow at the loss of his friend,
+and glancing about the room, he observed a large floral anchor.
+Scrutinizing it closely, he turned to the widow and in a low tone asked,
+'Who sent the pick?'"</p>
+
+<p>While Butler was delivering a speech for the Democrats in Boston during
+an exciting campaign, one of his hearers cried out, "How about the
+spoons, Ben?" Benjamin's good eye twinkled merrily as he replied: "Now,
+don't mention that, please. I was a Republican when I stole those
+spoons."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="BENJAMIN_FRANKLIN" id="BENJAMIN_FRANKLIN"></a>BENJAMIN FRANKLIN</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="MAXIMS" id="MAXIMS"></a>MAXIMS</h3>
+
+
+<p>Never spare the parson's wine, nor the baker's pudding.</p>
+
+<p>A house without woman or firelight is like a body without soul or
+sprite.</p>
+
+<p>Kings and bears often worry their keepers.</p>
+
+<p>Light purse, heavy heart.</p>
+
+<p>He's a fool that makes his doctor his heir.</p>
+
+<p>Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in.</p>
+
+<p>To lengthen thy life, lessen thy meals.</p>
+
+<p>He that drinks fast pays slow.</p>
+
+<p>He is ill-clothed who is bare of virtue.</p>
+
+<p>Beware of meat twice boil'd, and an old foe reconcil'd.</p>
+
+<p>The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of a wise man is in
+his heart.</p>
+
+<p>He that is rich need not live sparingly, and he that can live sparingly
+need not be rich.</p>
+
+<p>He that waits upon fortune is never sure of a dinner.</p>
+
+
+<h4><a name="LETTER" id="LETTER"></a>MODEL OF A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION OF A PERSON YOU ARE UNACQUAINTED
+WITH</h4>
+
+<p class='author'>
+<span class="smcap">Paris</span>, April 2, 1777.
+</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir</i>: The bearer of this, who is going to America, presses me to give
+him a letter of recom<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span>mendation, though I know nothing of him, not even
+his name. This may seem extraordinary, but I assure you it is not
+uncommon here. Sometimes, indeed, one unknown person brings another
+equally unknown, to recommend him; and sometimes they recommend one
+another! As to this gentleman, I must refer you to himself for his
+character and merits, with which he is certainly better acquainted than
+I can possibly be. I recommend him, however, to those civilities which
+every stranger, of whom one knows no harm, has a right to; and I request
+you will do him all the favor that, on further acquaintance, you shall
+find him to deserve. I have the honor to be, etc.</p>
+
+
+<h3>EPITAPH FOR HIMSELF</h3>
+
+
+<h4><span class='smcap'>The Body<br />
+  of<br />
+  Benjamin Franklin</span><br />
+  (LIKE THE COVER OF AN OLD BOOK,<br />
+  ITS CONTENTS TORN OUT,<br />
+  AND STRIPT OF ITS LETTERING AND GILDING),<br />
+  LIES HERE FOOD FOR WORMS;<br />
+  YET THE WORK ITSELF SHALL NOT BE LOST,<br />
+  FOR IT WILL (AS HE BELIEVED) APPEAR ONCE MORE<br />
+  IN A NEW<br />
+  AND MORE BEAUTIFUL EDITION<br />
+  CORRECTED AND AMENDED<br />
+  BY<br />
+  <span class='smcap'>The Author.</span></h4>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="WHY_HE_LEFT" id="WHY_HE_LEFT"></a>WHY HE LEFT</h3>
+
+
+<p>Mr. Dickson, a colored barber in a large New England town, was shaving
+one of his customers, a respectable citizen, one morning, when a
+conversation occurred between them respecting Mr. Dickson's former
+connection with a colored church in that place:</p>
+
+<p>"I believe you are connected with the church in Elm Street, are you not,
+Mr. Dickson?" said the customer.</p>
+
+<p>"No, sah, not at all."</p>
+
+<p>"What! are you not a member of the African church?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not dis year, sah."</p>
+
+<p>"Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Dickson, if I may be permitted
+to ask?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'll tell you, sah," said Mr. Dickson, stropping a concave razor
+on the palm of his hand, "it was just like dis. I jined de church in
+good fait'; I gave ten dollars toward the stated gospil de first year,
+and de church people call me '<i>Brudder</i> Dickson'; de second year my
+business not so good, and I gib only <i>five</i> dollars. That year the
+people call me '<i>Mr.</i> Dickson.' Dis razor hurt you, sah?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, the razor goes tolerably well."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, sah, de third year I feel berry poor; had sickness in my family;
+I didn't gib <i>noffin</i>' for preachin'. Well, sah, arter dat dey call me
+'<i>dat old nigger Dickson</i>'&mdash;and I left 'em."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="WILLIAM_ALLEN_BUTLER" id="WILLIAM_ALLEN_BUTLER"></a>WILLIAM ALLEN BUTLER</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="NOTHING_TO_WEAR" id="NOTHING_TO_WEAR"></a>NOTHING TO WEAR</h3>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Miss Flora M'Flimsey, of Madison Square,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Has made three separate journeys to Paris,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And her father assures me, each time she was there,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That she and her friend, Mrs. Harris<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(Not the lady whose name is so famous in history,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But plain Mrs. H., without romance or mystery),<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Spent six consecutive weeks, without stopping,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In one continuous round of shopping&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Shopping alone, and shopping together,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At all hours of the day, and in all sorts of weather,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For all manner of things that a woman can put<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On the crown of her head, or the sole of her foot,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or wrap round her shoulders, or fit round her waist,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or that can be sewed on, or pinned on, or laced,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or tied on with a string, or stitched on with a bow<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In front or behind, above or below;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For bonnets, mantillas, capes, collars and shawls;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Dresses for breakfasts, and dinners, and balls;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Dresses to sit in, and stand in, and walk in;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Dresses to dance in, and flirt in, and talk in;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Dresses in which to do nothing at all;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Dresses for winter, spring, summer and fall;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">All of them different in color and shape,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Silk, muslin and lace, velvet, satin and crape,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Brocade and broadcloth, and other material,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Quite as expensive and much more ethereal;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In short, for all things that could ever be thought of,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or milliner, <i>modiste</i> or tradesman be bought of,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From ten-thousand-franc robes to twenty-sous frills;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In all quarters of Paris, and to every store,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While M'Flimsey in vain stormed, scolded and swore,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They footed the streets, and he footed the bills!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The last trip, their goods shipped by the steamer <i>Arago</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Formed, M'Flimsey declares, the bulk of her cargo,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Not to mention a quantity kept from the rest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sufficient to fill the largest-sized chest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which did not appear on the ship's manifest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But for which the ladies themselves manifested<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Such particular interest, that they invested<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Their own proper persons in layers and rows<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of muslins, embroideries, worked underclothes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Gloves, handkerchiefs, scarfs, and such trifles as those;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then, wrapped in great shawls, like Circassian beauties,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Gave <i>good-by</i> to the ship, and <i>go by</i> to the duties.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Her relations at home all marveled, no doubt,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Miss Flora had grown so enormously stout<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For an actual belle and a possible bride;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But the miracle ceased when she turned inside out,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the truth came to light, and the dry-goods besides,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which, in spite of Collector and Custom-House sentry,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Had entered the port without any entry.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And yet, though scarce three months have passed since the day<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This merchandise went, on twelve carts, up Broadway,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This same Miss M'Flimsey of Madison Square,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The last time we met was in utter despair,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Because she had nothing whatever to wear!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Nothing to wear! Now, as this is a true ditty,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I do not assert&mdash;this, you know, is between us&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That she's in a state of absolute nudity,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Like Powers's Greek Slave or the Medici Venus;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But I do mean to say, I have heard her declare,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When at the same moment she had on a dress<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which cost five hundred dollars, and not a cent less,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And jewelry worth ten times more, I should guess,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That she had not a thing in the wide world to wear!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I should mention just here, that out of Miss Flora's<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Two hundred and fifty or sixty adorers,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I had just been selected as he who should throw all<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The rest in the shade, by the gracious bestowal<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On myself, after twenty or thirty rejections,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of those fossil remains which she called her "affections,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And that rather decayed but well-known work of art<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which Miss Flora persisted in styling her "heart."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So we were engaged. Our troth had been plighted,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Not by moonbeam or starbeam, by fountain or grove,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But in a front parlor, most brilliantly lighted,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Beneath the gas-fixtures, we whispered our love.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Without any romance, or raptures, or sighs,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Without any tears in Miss Flora's blue eyes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or blushes, or transports, or such silly actions,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It was one of the quietest business transactions,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With a very small sprinkling of sentiment, if any,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And a very large diamond imported by Tiffany.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On her virginal lips, while I printed a kiss,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She exclaimed, as a sort of parenthesis,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And by way of putting me quite at my ease,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"You know I'm to polka as much as I please,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And flirt when I like&mdash;now, stop, don't you speak&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And you must not come here more than twice in the week,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or talk to me either at party or ball,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But always be ready to come when I call;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So don't prose to me about duty and stuff,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If we don't break this off, there will be time enough<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For that sort of thing; but the bargain must be<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That, as long as I choose, I am perfectly free&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For this is a kind of engagement, you see,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which is binding on you, but not binding on me."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Well, having thus wooed Miss M'Flimsey and gained her,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With the silks, crinolines, and hoops that contained her,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I had, as I thought, a contingent remainder<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At least in the property, and the best right<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To appear as its escort by day and by night;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And it being the week of the Stuckups' grand ball&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Their cards had been out a fortnight or so,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And set all the Avenue on the tiptoe&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I considered it only my duty to call,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And see if Miss Flora intended to go.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I found her&mdash;as ladies are apt to be found,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When the time intervening between the first sound<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of the bell and the visitor's entry is shorter<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Than usual&mdash;I found; I won't say&mdash;I caught her,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Intent on the pier-glass, undoubtedly meaning<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To see if perhaps it didn't need cleaning.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She turned as I entered&mdash;"Why, Harry, you sinner,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I thought that you went to the Flashers' to dinner!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"So I did," I replied; "the dinner is swallowed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And digested, I trust, for 'tis now nine and more,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So, being relieved from that duty, I followed<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Inclination, which led me, you see, to your door;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And now will your ladyship so condescend<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As just to inform me if you intend<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Your beauty, and graces, and presence to lend<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(All of which, when I own, I hope no one will borrow)<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To the Stuckups', whose party, you know, is to-morrow?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The fair Flora looked up, with a pitiful air,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And answered quite promptly, "Why, Harry, <i>mon cher</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I should like above all things to go with you there,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But really and truly&mdash;I've nothing to wear."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Nothing to wear! Go just as you are;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Wear the dress you have on, and you'll be by far,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I engage, the most bright and particular star<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On the Stuckup horizon&mdash;&mdash;" I stopped, for her eye,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Notwithstanding this delicate onset of flattery,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Opened on me at once a most terrible battery<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of scorn and amazement. She made no reply,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But gave a slight turn to the end of her nose<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(That pure Grecian feature), as much as to say,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"How absurd that any sane man should suppose<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That a lady would go to a ball in the clothes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No matter how fine, that she wears every day!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So I ventured again: "Wear your crimson brocade;"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(Second turn up of nose)&mdash;"That's too dark by a shade."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Your blue silk"&mdash;"That's too heavy." "Your pink"&mdash;"That's too light."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Wear tulle over satin"&mdash;"I can't endure white."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Your rose-colored, then, the best of the batch"&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"I haven't a thread of point-lace to match."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Your brown <i>moire antique</i>"&mdash;"Yes, and look like a Quaker."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"The pearl-colored"&mdash;"I would, but that plaguy dressmaker<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Has had it a week." "Then that exquisite lilac,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In which you would melt the heart of a Shylock;"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(Here the nose took again the same elevation)&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"I wouldn't wear that for the whole of creation."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Why not? It's my fancy, there's nothing could strike it<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As more <i>comme it faut</i>"&mdash;"Yes, but, dear me, that lean<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sophronia Stuckup has got one just like it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And I won't appear dressed like a chit of sixteen."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Then that splendid purple, the sweet Mazarine;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That superb <i>point d'aiguille</i>, that imperial green,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That zephyr-like tarletan, that rich <i>grenadine</i>"&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Not one of all which is fit to be seen,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Said the lady, becoming excited and flushed.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Then wear," I exclaimed, in a tone which quite crushed<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Opposition, "that gorgeous <i>toilette</i> which you sported<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In Paris last spring, at the grand presentation,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When you quite turned the head of the head of the nation,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And by all the grand court were so very much courted."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The end of the nose was portentously tipped up<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And both the bright eyes shot forth indignation,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As she burst upon me with the fierce exclamation,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"I have worn it three times, at the least calculation,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And that and most of my dresses are ripped up!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Here I <i>ripped out</i> something, perhaps rather rash,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Quite innocent, though; but to use an expression<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">More striking than classic, it "settled my hash,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And proved very soon the last act of our session.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Fiddlesticks, is it, sir? I wonder the ceiling<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Doesn't fall down and crush you&mdash;you men have no feeling;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You selfish, unnatural, illiberal creatures,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who set yourselves up as patterns and preachers,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Your silly pretense&mdash;why, what a mere guess it is!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Pray, what do you know of a woman's necessities?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I have told you and shown you I've nothing to wear,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And it's perfectly plain you not only don't care,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But you do not believe me" (here the nose went still higher).<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"I suppose, if you dared, you would call me a liar.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Our engagement is ended, sir&mdash;yes, on the spot;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You're a brute, and a monster, and&mdash;I don't know what."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I mildly suggested the words Hottentot,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Pickpocket, and cannibal, Tartar, and thief,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As gentle expletives which might give relief;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But this only proved as a spark to the powder,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the storm I had raised came faster and louder;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It blew and it rained, thundered, lightened and hailed<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Interjections, verbs, pronouns, till language quite failed<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To express the abusive, and then its arrears<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Were brought up all at once by a torrent of tears,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And my last faint, despairing attempt at an obs-<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ervation was lost in a tempest of sobs.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Well, I felt for the lady, and felt for my hat, too,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Improvised on the crown of the latter a tattoo,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In lieu of expressing the feelings which lay<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Quite too deep for words, as Wordsworth would say;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then, without going through the form of a bow,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Found myself in the entry&mdash;I hardly know how,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On doorstep and sidewalk, past lamp-post and square,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At home and upstairs, in my own easy-chair;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Poked my feet into slippers, my fire into blaze,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And said to myself, as I lit my cigar,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Supposing a man had the wealth of the Czar<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of the Russias to boot, for the rest of his days,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On the whole, do you think he would have much to spare,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If he married a woman with nothing to wear?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Since that night, taking pains that it should not be bruited<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Abroad in society, I've instituted<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A course of inquiry, extensive and thorough,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On this vital subject, and find, to my horror,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That the fair Flora's case is by no means surprising,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But that there exists the greatest distress<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In our female community, solely arising<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From this unsupplied destitution of dress,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Whose unfortunate victims are filling the air<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With the pitiful wail of "Nothing to wear."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Researches in some of the "Upper Ten" districts<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Reveal the most painful and startling statistics,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of which let me mention only a few:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In one single house on the Fifth Avenue,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Three young ladies were found, all below twenty-two,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who have been three whole weeks without anything new<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In the way of flounced silks, and thus left in the lurch,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Are unable to go to ball, concert or church.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In another large mansion near the same place<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was found a deplorable, heartrending case<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of entire destitution of Brussels point-lace.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In a neighboring block there was found, in three calls,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Total want, long continued, of camel's-hair shawls;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And a suffering family, whose case exhibits<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The most pressing need of real ermine tippets;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">One deserving young lady almost unable<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To survive for the want of a new Russian sable;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Still another, whose tortures have been most terrific<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ever since the sad loss of the steamer <i>Pacific</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In which were engulfed, not friend or relation<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(For whose fate she, perhaps, might have found consolation,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or borne it, at least, with serene resignation),<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But the choicest assortment of French sleeves and collars<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ever sent out from Paris, worth thousands of dollars,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And all as to style most <i>recherch&eacute;</i> and rare,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The want of which leaves her with nothing to wear,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And renders her life so drear and dyspeptic<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That she's quite a recluse, and almost a skeptic,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For she touchingly says that this sort of grief<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Cannot find in Religion the slightest relief,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And Philosophy has not a maxim to spare<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For the victims of such overwhelming despair.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But the saddest, by far, of all these sad features,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is the cruelty practised upon the poor creatures<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By husbands and fathers, real Bluebeards and Timons,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who resist the most touching appeals made for diamonds<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By their wives and their daughters, and leave them for days<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Unsupplied with new jewelry, fans or bouquets,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Even laugh at their miseries whenever they have a chance,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And deride their demands as useless extravagance.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">One case of a bride was brought to my view,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Too sad for belief, but alas! 'twas too true,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Whose husband refused, as savage as Charon,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To permit her to take more than ten trunks to Sharon.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The consequence was, that when she got there,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At the end of three weeks she had nothing to wear;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And when she proposed to finish the season<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At Newport, the monster refused, out and out,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For his infamous conduct alleging no reason,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Except that the waters were good for his gout;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Such treatment as this was too shocking, of course,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And proceedings are now going on for divorce.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But why harrow the feelings by lifting the curtain<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From these scenes of woe? Enough, it is certain,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Has here been disclosed to stir up the pity<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of every benevolent heart in the city,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And spur up humanity into a canter<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To rush and relieve these sad cases instanter.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Won't somebody, moved by this touching description,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Come forward to-morrow and head a subscription?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Won't some kind philanthropist, seeing that aid is<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So needed at once by these indigent ladies,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Take charge of the matter? Or won't Peter Cooper<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The corner-stone lay of some new splendid super-<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Structure, like that which to-day links his name<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In the Union unending of Honor and Fame,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And found a new charity just for the care<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of these unhappy women with nothing to wear,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which, in view of the cash which would daily be claimed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The <i>Laying-out</i> Hospital well might be named?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Won't Stewart, or some of our dry-goods importers,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Take a contract for clothing our wives and our daughters?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or, to furnish the cash to supply these distresses,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And life's pathway strew with shawls, collars and dresses,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ere the want of them makes it much rougher and thornier,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Won't some one discover a new California?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">O! ladies, dear ladies, the next sunny day,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Please trundle your hoops just out of Broadway,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From its swirl and its bustle, its fashion and pride<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the temples of Trade which tower on each side,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To the alleys and lanes, where Misfortune and Guilt<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Their children have gathered, their city have built;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Where Hunger and Vice, like twin beasts of prey,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Have hunted their victims to gloom and despair;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Raise the rich, dainty dress, and the fine broidered skirt,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Pick your delicate way through the dampness and dirt.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Grope through the dark dens, climb the rickety stair<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To the garret, where wretches, the young and the old,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Half starved and half naked, lie crouched from the cold;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">See those skeleton limbs, those frost-bitten feet,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">All bleeding and bruised by the stones of the street;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Hear the sharp cry of childhood, the deep groans that swell<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From the poor dying creature who writhes on the floor;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Hear the curses that sound like the echoes of Hell,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As you sicken and shudder and fly from the door;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then home to your wardrobes, and say, if you dare&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Spoiled children of fashion&mdash;you've nothing to wear!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And O! if perchance there should be a sphere<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Where all is made right which so puzzles us here,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Where the glare and the glitter and tinsel of Time<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Fade and die in the light of that region sublime,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Where the soul, disenchanted of flesh and of sense,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Unscreened by its trappings and shows and pretense,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Must be clothed for the life and the service above,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With purity, truth, faith, meekness and love,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">O daughters of Earth! foolish virgins, beware!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Lest in that upper realm you have nothing to wear!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="A_BOYS_ESSAY_ON_GIRLS" id="A_BOYS_ESSAY_ON_GIRLS"></a>A BOY'S ESSAY ON GIRLS</h3>
+
+
+<p>"Girls are very stuckup and dignefied in their manner and behaveyour.
+They think more of dress than anything and like to play with dowls and
+rags. They cry if they see a cow in afar distance and are afraid of
+guns. They stay at home all the time and go to Church every Sunday. They
+are al-ways sick. They are al-ways funy and making fun of boys hands and
+they say how dirty. They cant play marbles. I pity them poor things.
+They make fun of boys and then turn round and love them. I dont beleave
+they ever kiled a cat or any thing. They look out every nite and say oh
+ant the moon lovely. Thir is one thing I have not told and that is they
+al-ways now their lessons bettern boys."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="HENRY_WARD_BEECHER" id="HENRY_WARD_BEECHER"></a>HENRY WARD BEECHER</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="DEACON_MARBLE" id="DEACON_MARBLE"></a>DEACON MARBLE</h3>
+
+
+<p>How they ever made a deacon out of Jerry Marble I never could imagine!
+His was the kindest heart that ever bubbled and ran over. He was
+elastic, tough, incessantly active, and a prodigious worker. He seemed
+never to tire, but after the longest day's toil, he sprang up the moment
+he had done with work, as if he were a fine steel spring. A few hours'
+sleep sufficed him, and he saw the morning stars the year round. His
+weazened face was leather color, but forever dimpling and changing to
+keep some sort of congruity between itself and his eyes, that winked and
+blinked and spilled over with merry good nature. He always seemed
+afflicted when obliged to be sober. He had been known to laugh in
+meeting on several occasions, although he ran his face behind his
+handkerchief, and coughed, as if <i>that</i> was the matter, yet nobody
+believed it. Once, in a hot summer day, he saw Deacon Trowbridge, a
+sober and fat man, of great sobriety, gradually ascending from the
+bodily state into that spiritual condition called sleep. He was
+blameless of the act. He had struggled against the temptation with the
+whole virtue of a deacon. He had eaten two or three heads of fennel in
+vain, and a piece of orange<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span> peel. He had stirred himself up, and fixed
+his eyes on the minister with intense firmness, only to have them grow
+gradually narrower and milder. If he held his head up firmly, it would
+with a sudden lapse fall away over backward. If he leaned it a little
+forward, it would drop suddenly into his bosom. At each nod, recovering
+himself, he would nod again, with his eyes wide open, to impress upon
+the boys that he did it on purpose both times.</p>
+
+<p>In what other painful event of life has a good man so little sympathy as
+when overcome with sleep in meeting time? Against the insidious
+seduction he arrays every conceivable resistance. He stands up awhile;
+he pinches himself, or pricks himself with pins. He looks up helplessly
+to the pulpit as if some succor might come thence. He crosses his legs
+uncomfortably, and attempts to recite the catechism or the
+multiplication table. He seizes a languid fan, which treacherously
+leaves him in a calm. He tries to reason, to notice the phenomena. Oh,
+that one could carry his pew to bed with him! What tossing wakefulness
+there! what fiery chase after somnolency! In his lawful bed a man cannot
+sleep, and in his pew he cannot keep awake! Happy man who does not sleep
+in church! Deacon Trowbridge was not that man. Deacon Marble was!</p>
+
+<p>Deacon Marble witnessed the conflict we have sketched above, and when
+good Mr. Trowbridge gave his next lurch, recovering himself with a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span>
+snort, and then drew out a red handkerchief and blew his nose with a
+loud imitation, as if to let the boys know that he had not been asleep,
+poor Deacon Marble was brought to a sore strait. But I have reason to
+think that he would have weathered the stress if it had not been for a
+sweet-faced little boy in the front of the gallery. The lad had been
+innocently watching the same scene, and at its climax laughed out loud,
+with a frank and musical explosion, and then suddenly disappeared
+backward into his mother's lap. That laugh was just too much, and Deacon
+Marble could no more help laughing than could Deacon Trowbridge help
+sleeping. Nor could he conceal it. Though he coughed and put up his
+handkerchief and hemmed&mdash;it <i>was</i> a laugh&mdash;Deacon!&mdash;and every boy in the
+house knew it, and liked you better for it&mdash;so inexperienced were
+they.&mdash;<i>Norwood.</i></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="THE_DEACONS_TROUT" id="THE_DEACONS_TROUT"></a>THE DEACON'S TROUT</h3>
+
+
+<p>He was a curious trout. I believe he knew Sunday just as well as Deacon
+Marble did. At any rate, the Deacon thought the trout meant to aggravate
+him. The Deacon, you know, is a little waggish. He often tells about
+that trout. Says he: "One Sunday morning, just as I got along by the
+willows, I heard an awful splash, and not ten feet from shore I saw the
+trout, as long as my arm, just curving over like a bow and going down
+with something for breakfast.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> Gracious says I, and I almost jumped out
+of the wagon. But my wife Polly, says she, 'What on airth are you
+thinkin' of, Deacon? It's Sabbath day, and you're goin' to meetin'! It's
+a pretty business for a deacon!' That sort o' cooled me off. But I do
+say that, for about a minute, I wished I wasn't a deacon. But 'twouldn't
+make any difference, for I came down next day to mill on purpose, and I
+came down once or twice more, and nothin' was to be seen, tho' I tried
+him with the most temptin' things. Wal, next Sunday I came along agin,
+and, to save my life I couldn't keep off worldly and wanderin' thoughts.
+I tried to be sayin' my catechism, but I couldn't keep my eyes off the
+pond as we came up to the willows. I'd got along in the catechism, as
+smooth as the road, to the Fourth Commandment, and was sayin' it out
+loud for Polly, and jist as I was sayin': '<i>What is required in the
+Fourth Commandment?</i>' I heard a splash, and there was the trout, and,
+afore I could think, I said: 'Gracious, Polly, I must have that trout.'
+She almost riz right up, 'I knew you wa'n't sayin' your catechism
+hearty. Is this the way you answer the question about keepin' the Lord's
+day? I'm ashamed, Deacon Marble,' says she. 'You'd better change your
+road, and go to meetin' on the road over the hill. If I was a deacon, I
+wouldn't let a fish's tail whisk the whole catechism out of my head;'
+and I had to go to meetin' on the hill road all the rest of the
+summer."&mdash;<i>Norwood.</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="THE_DOG_NOBLE_AND_THE_EMPTY_HOLE" id="THE_DOG_NOBLE_AND_THE_EMPTY_HOLE"></a>THE DOG NOBLE AND THE EMPTY HOLE</h3>
+
+
+<p>The first summer which we spent in Lenox we had along a very intelligent
+dog, named Noble. He was learned in many things, and by his dog-lore
+excited the undying admiration of all the children. But there were some
+things which Noble could never learn. Having on one occasion seen a red
+squirrel run into a hole in a stone wall, he could not be persuaded that
+he was not there forevermore.</p>
+
+<p>Several red squirrels lived close to the house, and had become familiar,
+but not tame. They kept up a regular romp with Noble. They would come
+down from the maple trees with provoking coolness; they would run along
+the fence almost within reach; they would cock their tails and sail
+across the road to the barn; and yet there was such a well-timed
+calculation under all this apparent rashness, that Noble invariably
+arrived at the critical spot just as the squirrel left it.</p>
+
+<p>On one occasion Noble was so close upon his red-backed friend that,
+unable to get up the maple tree, the squirrel dodged into a hole in the
+wall, ran through the chinks, emerged at a little distance, and sprang
+into the tree. The intense enthusiasm of the dog at that hole can hardly
+be described. He filled it full of barking. He pawed and scratched as if
+undermining a bastion. Standing off at a little distance, he would
+pierce the hole with a gaze as intense and fixed as if he were trying
+magnetism on it. Then, with tail<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> extended, and every hair thereon
+electrified, he would rush at the empty hole with a prodigious
+onslaught.</p>
+
+<p>This imaginary squirrel haunted Noble night and day. The very squirrel
+himself would run up before his face into the tree, and, crouched in a
+crotch, would sit silently watching the whole process of bombarding the
+empty hole, with great sobriety and relish. But Noble would allow of no
+doubts. His conviction that that hole had a squirrel in it continued
+unshaken for six weeks. When all other occupations failed, this hole
+remained to him. When there were no more chickens to harry, no pigs to
+bite, no cattle to chase, no children to romp with, no expeditions to
+make with the grown folks, and when he had slept all that his dogskin
+would hold, he would walk out of the yard, yawn and stretch himself, and
+then look wistfully at the hole, as if thinking to himself, "Well, as
+there is nothing else to do, I may as well try that hole again!"&mdash;<i>Eyes
+and Ears.</i></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>N. P. Willis was usually the life of the company he happened to be in.
+His repartee at Mrs. Gales's dinner in Washington is famous. Mrs. Gales
+wrote on a card to her niece, at the other end of the table: "Don't
+flirt so with Nat Willis." She was herself talking vivaciously to a Mr.
+Campbell. Willis wrote the niece's reply:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Dear aunt, don't attempt my young feelings to trammel.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nor strain at a Nat while you swallow a Campbell."<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="OLD_GRIMES" id="OLD_GRIMES"></a>OLD GRIMES</h3>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Old Grimes is dead; that good old man<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We never shall see more:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He used to wear a long, black coat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">All button'd down before.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">His heart was open as the day,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His feelings all were true:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His hair was some inclined to gray&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He wore it in a queue.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Whene'er he heard the voice of pain,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His breast with pity burn'd:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The large, round head upon his cane<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From ivory was turn'd.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Kind words he ever had for all;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He knew no base design:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His eyes were dark and rather small,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His nose was aquiline.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He lived at peace with all mankind,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In friendship he was true:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His coat had pocket-holes behind,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His pantaloons were blue.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Unharm'd, the sin which earth pollutes<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He pass'd securely o'er,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And never wore a pair of boots<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For thirty years or more.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But good old Grimes is now at rest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nor fears misfortune's frown:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He wore a double-breasted vest&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The stripes ran up and down.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He modest merit sought to find,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And pay it its desert:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He had no malice in his mind,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No ruffles on his shirt.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">His neighbors he did not abuse&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was sociable and gay:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He wore large buckles on his shoes.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And changed them every day.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">His knowledge, hid from public gaze,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He did not bring to view,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nor made a noise, town-meeting days,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As many people do.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">His worldly goods he never threw<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In trust to fortune's chances,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But lived (as all his brothers do)<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In easy circumstances.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Thus undisturb'd by anxious cares.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His peaceful moments ran;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And everybody said he was<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A fine old gentleman.<br /><br /><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Albert Gorton Greene</span>.</span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="IDENTIFIED" id="IDENTIFIED"></a>IDENTIFIED</h3>
+
+
+<p>Nathaniel Hawthorne was a kind-hearted man as well as a great novelist.
+While he was consul at Liverpool a young Yankee walked into his office.
+The boy had left home to seek his fortune, but evidently hadn't found it
+yet, although he had crossed the sea in his search. Homesick,
+friendless, nearly penniless, he wanted a passage home. The clerk said
+Mr. Hawthorne could not be seen, and intimated that the boy was not
+American, but was trying to steal a passage. The boy stuck to his point,
+and the clerk at last went to the little room and said to Mr. Hawthorne:
+"Here's a boy who insists upon seeing you. He says he is an American,
+but I know he isn't." Hawthorne came out of the room and looked keenly
+at the eager, ruddy face of the boy. "You want a passage to America?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"And you say you're an American?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"From what part of America?"</p>
+
+<p>"United States, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"What State?"</p>
+
+<p>"New Hampshire, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Town?"</p>
+
+<p>"Exeter, sir."</p>
+
+<p>Hawthorne looked at him for a minute before asking him the next
+question. "Who sold the best apples in your town?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Skim-milk Folsom, sir," said the boy, with glistening eye, as the old
+familiar by-word brought up the dear old scenes of home.</p>
+
+<p>"It's all right," said Hawthorne to the clerk; "give him a passage."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="ONE_BETTER" id="ONE_BETTER"></a>ONE BETTER</h3>
+
+
+<p>Long after the victories of Washington over the French and English had
+made his name familiar to all Europe, Doctor Franklin chanced to dine
+with the English and French Ambassadors, when, as nearly as the precise
+words can be recollected, the following toasts were drunk:</p>
+
+<p>"England'&mdash;The <i>Sun</i>, whose bright beams enlighten and fructify the
+remotest corners of the earth."</p>
+
+<p>The French Ambassador, filled with national pride, but too polite to
+dispute the previous toast, drank the following:</p>
+
+<p>"France'&mdash;The <i>Moon</i>, whose mild, steady and cheering rays are the
+delight of all nations, consoling them in darkness and making their
+dreariness beautiful."</p>
+
+<p>Doctor Franklin then arose, and, with his usual dignified simplicity,
+said:</p>
+
+<p>"George Washington'&mdash;The Joshua who commanded the Sun and Moon to stand
+still, and they obeyed him."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="MY_AUNT" id="MY_AUNT"></a>MY AUNT</h3>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">My aunt! my dear unmarried aunt!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Long years have o'er her flown;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Yet still she strains the aching clasp<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That binds her virgin zone;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I know it hurts her&mdash;though she looks<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As cheerful as she can;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Her waist is ampler than her life,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For life is but a span.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">My aunt, my poor deluded aunt!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Her hair is almost gray;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Why will she train that winter curl<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In such a spring-like way?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">How can she lay her glasses down,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And say she reads as well,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When, through a double convex lens,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She just makes out to spell?<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Her father&mdash;grandpapa! forgive<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This erring lip its smiles&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Vowed she would make the finest girl<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Within a hundred miles.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He sent her to a stylish school;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Twas in her thirteenth June;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And with her, as the rules required,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Two towels and a spoon."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">They braced my aunt against a board,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To make her straight and tall;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They laced her up, they starved her down,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To make her light and small;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They pinched her feet, they singed her hair,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They screwed it up with pins&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">O never mortal suffered more<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In penance for her sins.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">So, when my precious aunt was done,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">My grandsire brought her back<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(By daylight, lest some rabid youth<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Might follow on the track);<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Ah!" said my grandsire, as he shook<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Some powder in his pan,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"What could this lovely creature do<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Against a desperate man!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Alas! nor chariot, nor barouche,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nor bandit cavalcade<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Tore from the trembling father's arms<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His all-accomplished maid.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For her how happy had it been!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And Heaven had spared to me<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To see one sad, ungathered rose<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On my ancestral tree.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Oliver Wendell Holmes</span>.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="N_P_WILLIS" id="N_P_WILLIS"></a>N. P. WILLIS</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="MISS_ALBINA_McLUSH" id="MISS_ALBINA_McLUSH"></a>MISS ALBINA McLUSH</h3>
+
+
+<p>I have a passion for fat women. If there is anything I hate in life, it
+is what dainty people call a <i>spirituelle</i>. Motion&mdash;rapid motion&mdash;a
+smart, quick, squirrel-like step, a pert, voluble tone&mdash;in short, a
+lively girl&mdash;is my exquisite horror! I would as lief have a <i>diable
+petit</i> dancing his infernal hornpipe on my cerebellum as to be in the
+room with one. I have tried before now to school myself into liking
+these parched peas of humanity. I have followed them with my eyes, and
+attended to their rattle till I was as crazy as a fly in a drum. I have
+danced with them, and romped with them in the country, and periled the
+salvation of my "white tights" by sitting near them at supper. I swear
+off from this moment. I do. I won't&mdash;no&mdash;hang me if ever I show another
+small, lively, <i>spry</i> woman a civility.</p>
+
+<p>Albina McLush is divine. She is like the description of the Persian
+beauty by Hafiz: "Her heart is full of passion and her eyes are full of
+sleep." She is the sister of Lurly McLush, my old college chum, who, as
+early as his sophomore year, was chosen president of the <i>Dolce far
+niente</i> Society&mdash;no member of which was ever known<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> to be surprised at
+anything&mdash;(the college law of rising before breakfast excepted). Lurly
+introduced me to his sister one day, as he was lying upon a heap of
+turnips, leaning on his elbow with his head in his hand, in a green lane
+in the suburbs. He had driven over a stump, and been tossed out of his
+gig, and I came up just as he was wondering how in the D&mdash;&mdash;l's name he
+got there! Albina sat quietly in the gig, and when I was presented,
+requested me, with a delicious drawl, to say nothing about the
+adventure&mdash;it would be so troublesome to relate it to everybody! I loved
+her from that moment. Miss McLush was tall, and her shape, of its kind,
+was perfect. It was not a <i>fleshy</i> one exactly, but she was large and
+full. Her skin was clear, fine-grained and transparent; her temples and
+forehead perfectly rounded and polished, and her lips and chin swelling
+into a ripe and tempting pout, like the cleft of a bursted apricot. And
+then her eyes&mdash;large, liquid and sleepy&mdash;they languished beneath their
+long black fringes as if they had no business with daylight&mdash;like two
+magnificent dreams, surprised in their jet embryos by some bird-nesting
+cherub. Oh! it was lovely to look into them!</p>
+
+<p>She sat, usually, upon a <i>fauteuil</i>, with her large, full arm embedded
+in the cushion, sometimes for hours without stirring. I have seen the
+wind lift the masses of dark hair from her shoulders when it seemed like
+the coming to life of a marble Hebe&mdash;she had been motionless so<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> long.
+She was a model for a goddess of sleep as she sat with her eyes half
+closed, lifting up their superb lids slowly as you spoke to her, and
+dropping them again with the deliberate motion of a cloud, when she had
+murmured out her syllable of assent. Her figure, in a sitting posture,
+presented a gentle declivity from the curve of her neck to the instep of
+the small round foot lying on its side upon the ottoman. I remember a
+fellow's bringing her a plate of fruit one evening. He was one of your
+lively men&mdash;a horrid monster, all right angles and activity. Having
+never been accustomed to hold her own plate, she had not well extricated
+her whole fingers from her handkerchief before he set it down in her
+lap. As it began to slide slowly toward her feet, her hand relapsed into
+the muslin folds, and she fixed her eye upon it with a kind of indolent
+surprise, drooping her lids gradually till, as the fruit scattered over
+the ottoman, they closed entirely, and a liquid jet line was alone
+visible through the heavy lashes. There was an imperial indifference in
+it worthy of Juno.</p>
+
+<p>Miss McLush rarely walks. When she does, it is with the deliberate
+majesty of a Dido. Her small, plump feet melt to the ground like
+snowflakes; and her figure sways to the indolent motion of her limbs
+with a glorious grace and yieldingness quite indescribable. She was
+idling slowly up the Mall one evening just at twilight, with a servant
+at a short distance behind her, who, to while away the time between his
+steps,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span> was employing himself in throwing stones at the cows feeding
+upon the Common. A gentleman, with a natural admiration for her splendid
+person, addressed her. He might have done a more eccentric thing.
+Without troubling herself to look at him, she turned to her servant and
+requested him, with a yawn of desperate ennui, to knock that fellow
+down! John obeyed his orders; and, as his mistress resumed her lounge,
+picked up a new handful of pebbles, and tossing one at the nearest cow,
+loitered lazily after.</p>
+
+<p>Such supreme indolence was irresistible. I gave in&mdash;I&mdash;who never before
+could summon energy to sigh&mdash;I&mdash;to whom a declaration was but a synonym
+for perspiration&mdash;I&mdash;who had only thought of love as a nervous
+complaint, and of women but to pray for a good
+deliverance&mdash;I&mdash;yes&mdash;I&mdash;knocked under. Albina McLush! Thou wert too
+exquisitely lazy. Human sensibilities cannot hold out forever.</p>
+
+<p>I found her one morning sipping her coffee at twelve, with her eyes wide
+open. She was just from the bath, and her complexion had a soft, dewy
+transparency, like the cheek of Venus rising from the sea. It was the
+hour, Lurly had told me, when she would be at the trouble of thinking.
+She put away with her dimpled forefinger, as I entered, a cluster of
+rich curls that had fallen over her face, and nodded to me like a
+water-lily swaying to the wind when its cup is full of rain.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Lady Albina," said I, in my softest tone, "how are you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Bettina," said she, addressing her maid in a voice as clouded and rich
+as the south wind on an &AElig;olian, "how am I to-day?"</p>
+
+<p>The conversation fell into short sentences. The dialogue became a
+monologue. I entered upon my declaration. With the assistance of
+Bettina, who supplied her mistress with cologne, I kept her attention
+alive through the incipient circumstances. Symptoms were soon told. I
+came to the avowal. Her hand lay reposing on the arm of the sofa, half
+buried in a muslin <i>foulard</i>. I took it up and pressed the cool soft
+fingers to my lips&mdash;unforbidden. I rose and looked into her eyes for
+confirmation. Delicious creature! she was asleep!</p>
+
+<p>I never have had courage to renew the subject. Miss McLush seems to have
+forgotten it altogether. Upon reflection, too, I'm convinced she would
+not survive the excitement of the ceremony&mdash;unless, indeed, she should
+sleep between the responses and the prayer. I am still devoted, however,
+and if there should come a war or an earthquake, or if the millennium
+should commence, as is expected in 18&mdash;&mdash;, or if anything happens that
+can keep her waking so long, I shall deliver a declaration, abbreviated
+for me by a scholar-friend of mine, which, he warrants, may be
+articulated in fifteen minutes&mdash;without fatigue.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="A_SMACK_IN_SCHOOL" id="A_SMACK_IN_SCHOOL"></a>A SMACK IN SCHOOL</h3>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">A district school, not far away,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Mid Berkshire's hills, one winter's day,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was humming with its wonted noise<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of threescore mingled girls and boys;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Some few upon their tasks intent,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But more on furtive mischief bent.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The while the master's downward look<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was fastened on a copy-book;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When suddenly, behind his back,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Rose sharp and clear a rousing smack!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As 'twere a battery of bliss<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Let off in one tremendous kiss!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"What's that?" the startled master cries;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"That, thir," a little imp replies,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Wath William Willith, if you pleathe&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I thaw him kith Thuthanna Peathe!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With frown to make a statue thrill,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The master thundered, "Hither, Will!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Like wretch o'ertaken in his track,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With stolen chattels on his back,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Will hung his head in fear and shame,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And to the awful presence came&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A great, green, bashful simpleton,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The butt of all good-natured fun.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With smile suppressed, and birch upraised,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The thunderer faltered&mdash;"I'm amazed<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That you, my biggest pupil, should<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Be guilty of an act so rude!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Before the whole set school to boot&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">What evil genius put you to't?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"'Twas she herself, sir," sobbed the lad;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"I did not mean to be so bad;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But when Susannah shook her curls,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And whispered, I was 'fraid of girls<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And dursn't kiss a baby's doll,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I couldn't stand it, sir, at all,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But up and kissed her on the spot!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I know&mdash;boo&mdash;hoo&mdash;I ought to not,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But, somehow, from her looks&mdash;boo&mdash;hoo&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I thought she kind o' wished me to!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">William Pitt Palmer.</span><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="A_RENDITION" id="A_RENDITION"></a>A RENDITION</h3>
+
+
+<p>Two old British sailors were talking over their shore experience. One
+had been to a cathedral and had heard some very fine music, and was
+descanting particularly upon an anthem which gave him much pleasure. His
+shipmate listened for awhile, and then said:</p>
+
+<p>"I say, Bill, what's a hanthem?"</p>
+
+<p>"What," replied Bill, "do you mean to say you don't know what a hanthem
+is?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not me."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, then, I'll tell yer. If I was to tell yer, 'Ere, Bill, give me
+that 'andspike,' that wouldn't be a hanthem;' but was I to say, 'Bill,
+Bill, giv, giv, give me, give me that, Bill, give me, give me that hand,
+handspike, hand, handspike, spike, spike, spike, ah-men, ahmen. Bill,
+givemethat-handspike, spike, ahmen!' why, that would be a hanthem."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="B_P_SHILLABER_Mrs_Partington" id="B_P_SHILLABER_Mrs_Partington"></a>B. P. SHILLABER ("Mrs. Partington")</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="FANCY_DISEASES" id="FANCY_DISEASES"></a>FANCY DISEASES</h3>
+
+
+<p>"Diseases is very various," said Mrs. Partington, as she returned from a
+street-door conversation with Doctor Bolus. "The Doctor tells me that
+poor old Mrs. Haze has got two buckles on her lungs! It is dreadful to
+think of, I declare. The diseases is so various! One way we hear of
+people's dying of hermitage of the lungs; another way, of the brown
+creatures; here they tell us of the elementary canal being out of order,
+and there about tonsors of the throat; here we hear of neurology in the
+head, there, of an embargo; one side of us we hear of men being killed
+by getting a pound of tough beef in the sarcofagus, and there another
+kills himself by discovering his jocular vein. Things change so that I
+declare I don't know how to subscribe for any diseases nowadays. New
+names and new nostrils takes the place of the old, and I might as well
+throw my old herb-bag away."</p>
+
+<p>Fifteen minutes afterward Isaac had that herb-bag for a target, and
+broke three squares of glass in the cellar window in trying to hit it,
+before the old lady knew what he was about. She didn't mean exactly what
+she said.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="BAILED_OUT" id="BAILED_OUT"></a>BAILED OUT</h3>
+
+
+<p>"So, our neighbour, Mr. Guzzle, has been arranged at the bar for
+drunkardice," said Mrs. Partington; and she sighed as she thought of his
+wife and children at home, with the cold weather close at hand, and the
+searching winds intruding through the chinks in the windows, and waving
+the tattered curtain like a banner, where the little ones stood
+shivering by the faint embers. "God forgive him, and pity them!" said
+she, in a tone of voice tremulous with emotion.</p>
+
+<p>"But he was bailed out," said Ike, who had devoured the residue of the
+paragraph, and laid the paper in a pan of liquid custard that the dame
+was preparing for Thanksgiving, and sat swinging the oven door to and
+fro as if to fan the fire that crackled and blazed within.</p>
+
+<p>"Bailed out, was he?" said she; "well, I should think it would have been
+cheaper to have pumped him out, for, when our cellar was filled, arter
+the city fathers had degraded the street, we had to have it pumped out,
+though there wasn't half so much in it as he has swilled down."</p>
+
+<p>She paused and reached up on the high shelves of the closet for her pie
+plates, while Ike busied himself in tasting the various preparations.
+The dame thought that was the smallest quart of sweet cider she had ever
+seen.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="SEEKING_A_COMET" id="SEEKING_A_COMET"></a>SEEKING A COMET</h3>
+
+
+<p>It was with an anxious feeling that Mrs. Partington, having smoked her
+specs, directed her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> gaze toward the western sky, in quest of the
+tailless comet of 1850.</p>
+
+<p>"I can't see it," said she; and a shade of vexation was perceptible in
+the tone of her voice. "I don't think much of this explanatory system,"
+continued she, "that they praise so, where the stars are mixed up so
+that <i>I</i> can't tell Jew Peter from Satan, nor the consternation of the
+Great Bear from the man in the moon. 'Tis all dark to me. I don't
+believe there is any comet at all. Who ever heard of a comet without a
+tail, I should like to know? It isn't natural; but the printers will
+make a tale for it fast enough, for they are always getting up comical
+stories."</p>
+
+<p>With a complaint about the falling dew, and a slight murmur of
+disappointment, the dame disappeared behind a deal door like the moon
+behind a cloud.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="GOING_TO_CALIFORNIA" id="GOING_TO_CALIFORNIA"></a>GOING TO CALIFORNIA</h3>
+
+
+<p>"Dear me!" exclaimed Mrs. Partington sorrowfully, "how much a man will
+bear, and how far he will go, to get the soddered dross, as Parson
+Martin called it when he refused the beggar a sixpence for fear it might
+lead him into extravagance! Everybody is going to California and Chagrin
+arter gold. Cousin Jones and the three Smiths have gone; and Mr. Chip,
+the carpenter, has left his wife and seven children and a blessed old
+mother-in-law, to seek his fortin, too. This is the strangest yet, and I
+don't see<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> how he could have done it; it looks so ongrateful to treat
+Heaven's blessings so lightly. But there, we are told that the love of
+money is the root of all evil, and how true it is! for they are now
+rooting arter it, like pigs arter ground-nuts. Why, it is a perfect
+money mania among everybody!"</p>
+
+<p>And she shook her head doubtingly, as she pensively watched a small mug
+of cider, with an apple in it, simmering by the winter fire. She was
+somewhat fond of a drink made in this way.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="MRS_PARTINGTON_IN_COURT" id="MRS_PARTINGTON_IN_COURT"></a>MRS. PARTINGTON IN COURT</h3>
+
+
+<p>"I took my knitting-work and went up into the gallery," said Mrs.
+Partington, the day after visiting one of the city courts; "I went up
+into the gallery, and after I had adjusted my specs, I looked down into
+the room, but I couldn't see any courting going on. An old gentleman
+seemed to be asking a good many impertinent questions&mdash;just like some
+old folks&mdash;and people were sitting around making minutes of the
+conversation. I don't see how they made out what was said, for they all
+told different stories. How much easier it would be to get along if they
+were all made to tell the same story! What a sight of trouble it would
+save the lawyers! The case, as they call it, was given to the jury, but
+I couldn't see it, and a gentleman with a long pole was made to swear
+that he'd keep an eye on 'em, and see that they didn't run away with it.
+Bimeby in they came again, and they said<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> somebody was guilty of
+something, who had just said he was innocent, and didn't know nothing
+about it no more than the little baby that had never subsistence. I come
+away soon afterward; but I couldn't help thinking how trying it must be
+to sit there all day, shut out from the blessed air!"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Apropos of Superintendent Andrews's reported objection to the singing of
+the "Recessional" in the Chicago public schools on the ground that the
+atheists might be offended, the <i>Chicago Post</i> says:</p>
+
+<p>For the benefit of our skittish friends, the atheists, and in order not
+to deprive the public-school children of the literary beauties of
+certain poems that may be classed by Doctor Andrews as "hymns," we
+venture to suggest this compromise, taking a few lines in illustration
+from our National anthem:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Our fathers' God&mdash;assuming purely for the<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">sake of argument that there is a God&mdash;to Thee,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Author of liberty&mdash;with apologies to our friends,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">the atheists&mdash;<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">To Thee I sing&mdash;but we needn't mean it, you<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">know.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Long may our land be bright,<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">With freedom's holy light;<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Protect us by Thy might&mdash;remember, this is<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">purely hypothetical&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Great God&mdash;again assuming that there is a God&mdash;our<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">king&mdash;simply an allegorical phrase and<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">not intended offensively to any taxpayer."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="OLIVER_WENDELL_HOLMES" id="OLIVER_WENDELL_HOLMES"></a>OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="THE_DEACONS_MASTERPIECE" id="THE_DEACONS_MASTERPIECE"></a>THE DEACON'S MASTERPIECE;</h3>
+
+
+<h4>Or, the Wonderful "One-hoss Shay"</h4>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">A Logical Story</span></h4>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Have you heard of the wonderful one-hoss shay<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That was built in such a logical way,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It ran a hundred years to a day,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And then, of a sudden, it&mdash;ah, but stay,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'll tell you what happened without delay,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Scaring the parson into fits,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Frightening people out of their wits&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Have you ever heard of that, I say?<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Seventeen hundred and fifty-five.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Georgius Secundus</i> was then alive&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Snuffy old drone from the German hive.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That was the year when Lisbon-town<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Saw the earth open and gulp her down,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And Braddock's army was done so brown,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Left without a scalp to its crown.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It was on the terrible Earthquake day<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That the Deacon finished the one-hoss shay.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Now in building of chaises, I tell you what,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">There is always <i>somewhere</i> a weakest spot&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In hub, tire, felloe, in spring or thill,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In panel, or crossbar, or floor, or sill,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In screw, bolt, thoroughbrace&mdash;lurking still,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Find it somewhere you must and will&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Above or below, or within or without&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And that's the reason, beyond a doubt,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That a chaise <i>breaks down</i>, but doesn't <i>wear out</i>.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But the Deacon swore (as deacons do,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With an "I dew vum," or an "I tell <i>yeou</i>")<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He would build one shay to beat the taown<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'N' the keounty, 'n' all the kentry raoun';<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It should be so built that it <i>couldn'</i> break daown:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">&mdash;"Fur," said the Deacon, "'t's mighty plain<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Thut the weakes' place mus' stan' the strain;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'N' the way t' fix it, uz I maintain,<br /></span>
+<span class="i9">Is only jest<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">T' make that place uz strong uz the rest."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">So the Deacon inquired of the village folk<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Where he could find the strongest oak,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That couldn't be split nor bent nor broke&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That was for spokes and floor and sills;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He sent for lancewood to make the thills;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The crossbars were ash, from the straightest trees,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The panels of white-wood, that cuts like cheese,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But lasts like iron for things like these;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The hubs of logs from the "Settler's ellum"&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Last of its timber&mdash;they couldn't sell 'em,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Never an ax had seen their chips,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the wedges flew from between their lips,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Their blunt ends frizzled like celery-tips;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Step and prop-iron, bolt and screw,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Spring, tire, axle, and linchpin, too,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Steel of the finest, bright and blue;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Thoroughbrace bison-skin, thick and wide;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Boot, top, dasher, from tough old hide<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Found in the pit when the tanner died.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That was the way he "put her through"&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"There!" said the Deacon, "naow she'll dew!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Do! I tell you, I rather guess<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She was a wonder and nothing less!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Colts grew horses, beards turned gray,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Deacon and Deaconess dropped away,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Children and grandchildren&mdash;where were they?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But there stood the stout old one-hoss shay<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As fresh as on Lisbon-earthquake day!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Eighteen hundred&mdash;it came and found<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Deacon's masterpiece strong and sound.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Eighteen hundred increased by ten&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Hahnsum kerridge" they called it then.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Eighteen hundred and twenty came&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Running as usual; much the same.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Thirty and forty at last arrived,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And then come fifty, and <span class="smcap">fifty-five</span>.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Little of all we value here<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Wakes on the morn of its hundredth year<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Without both feeling and looking queer.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In fact, there's nothing that keeps its youth,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So far as I know, but a tree and truth.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(This is a moral that runs at large;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Take it&mdash;You're welcome&mdash;No extra charge.)<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">First of November&mdash;the Earthquake-day&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">There are traces of age in the one-hoss shay,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A general flavor of mild decay,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But nothing local, as one may say.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">There couldn't be&mdash;for the Deacon's art<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Had made it so like in every part<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That there wasn't a chance for one to start.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For the wheels were just as strong as the thills,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the floor was just as strong as the sills,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the panels just as strong as the floor,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the whipple-tree neither less nor more,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the back crossbar as strong as the fore,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And spring and axle and hub <i>encore</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And yet, <i>as a whole</i>, it is past a doubt<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In another hour it will be <i>worn out</i>!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">First of November, 'Fifty-five!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This morning the parson takes a drive.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Now, small boys, get out of the way!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Here comes the wonderful one-hoss shay,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Drawn by a rat-tailed, ewe-necked bay.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Huddup!" said the parson&mdash;Off went they.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The parson was working his Sunday's text&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Had got to <i>fifthly</i>, and stopped perplexed<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At what the&mdash;Moses&mdash;was coming next.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">All at once the horse stood still,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Close by the meet'n' house on the hill.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">&mdash;First a shiver, and then a thrill,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then something decidedly like a spill&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the parson was sitting upon a rock,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At half-past nine by the meet'n'-house clock&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Just the hour of the Earthquake shock!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">&mdash;What do you think the parson found,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When he got up and stared around?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The poor old chaise in a heap or mound,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As if it had been to the mill and ground!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You see, of course, if you're not a dunce,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">How it went to pieces all at once&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">All at once, and nothing first&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Just as bubbles do when they burst.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">End of the wonderful one-hoss shay.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Logic is logic. That's all I say.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>A certain learned professor in New York has a wife and family, but,
+professor-like, his thoughts are always with his books.</p>
+
+<p>One evening his wife, who had been out for some hours, returned to find
+the house remarkably quiet. She had left the children playing about, but
+now they were nowhere to be seen.</p>
+
+<p>She demanded to be told what had become of them, and the professor
+explained that, as they had made a good deal of noise, he had put them
+to bed without waiting for her or calling a maid.</p>
+
+<p>"I hope they gave you no trouble," she said.</p>
+
+<p>"No," replied the professor, "with the exception of the one in the cot
+here. He objected a good deal to my undressing him and putting him to
+bed."</p>
+
+<p>The wife went to inspect the cot.</p>
+
+<p>"Why," she exclaimed, "that's little Johnny Green, from next door."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="FIVE_LIVES" id="FIVE_LIVES"></a>FIVE LIVES</h3>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Five mites of monads dwelt in a round drop<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That twinkled on a leaf by a pool in the sun.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To the naked eye they lived invisible;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Specks, for a world of whom the empty shell<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of a mustard-seed had been a hollow sky.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">One was a meditative monad, called a sage;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And, shrinking all his mind within, he thought:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Tradition, handed down for hours and hours,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Tells that our globe, this quivering crystal world,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is slowly dying. What if, seconds hence<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When I am very old, yon shimmering doom<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Comes drawing down and down, till all things end?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then with a wizen smirk he proudly felt<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No other mote of God had ever gained<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Such giant grasp of universal truth.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">One was a transcendental monad; thin<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And long and slim of mind; and thus he mused:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Oh, vast, unfathomable monad-souls!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Made in the image"&mdash;a hoarse frog croaks from the pool,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Hark! 'twas some god, voicing his glorious thought<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In thunder music. Yea, we hear their voice,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And we may guess their minds from ours, their work.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Some taste they have like ours, some tendency<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To wriggle about, and munch a trace of scum."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He floated up on a pin-point bubble of gas<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That burst, pricked by the air, and he was gone.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">One was a barren-minded monad, called<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A positivist; and he knew positively;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"There was no world beyond this certain drop.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Prove me another! Let the dreamers dream<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of their faint gleams, and noises from without,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And higher and lower; life is life enough."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then swaggering half a hair's breadth hungrily,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He seized upon an atom of bug, and fed.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">One was a tattered monad, called a poet;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And with a shrill voice ecstatic thus he sang:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Oh, little female monad's lips!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Oh, little female monad's eyes!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ah, the little, little, female, female monad!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The last was a strong-minded monadess,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who dashed amid the infusoria,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Danced high and low, and wildly spun and dove,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Till the dizzy others held their breath to see.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But while they led their wondrous little lives<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">&AElig;onian moments had gone wheeling by,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The burning drop had shrunk with fearful speed:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A glistening film&mdash;'twas gone; the leaf was dry.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The little ghost of an inaudible squeak<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was lost to the frog that goggled from his stone;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who, at the huge, slow tread of a thoughtful ox<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Coming to drink, stirred sideways fatly, plunged,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Launched backward twice, and all the pool was still.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Edward Rowland Sill.</span><br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="JAMES_T_FIELDS" id="JAMES_T_FIELDS"></a>JAMES T. FIELDS</h2>
+
+
+
+<h3>THE OWL-CRITIC</h3>
+
+
+
+<h4>A Lesson to Fault-finders</h4>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Who stuffed that white owl?" No one spoke in the shop:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The barber was busy, and he couldn't stop;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The customers, waiting their turns, were all reading<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The <i>Daily</i>, the <i>Herald</i>, the <i>Post</i>, little heeding<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The young man who blurted out such a blunt question;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Not one raised a head or even made a suggestion;<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">And the barber kept on shaving.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Don't you see, Mister Brown,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Cried the youth, with a frown,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"How wrong the whole thing is,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">How preposterous each wing is,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">How flattened the head is, how jammed down the neck is&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In short, the whole owl, what an ignorant wreck 'tis!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I make no apology;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I've learned owl-eology.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I've passed days and nights in a hundred collections,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And cannot be blinded to any deflections<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Arising from unskilful fingers that fail<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To stuff a bird right, from his beak to his tail.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Mister Brown! Mister Brown!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Do take that bird down,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or you'll soon be the laughing-stock all over town!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">And the barber kept on shaving.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"I've <i>studied</i> owls,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And other night fowls,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And I tell you<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">What I know to be true:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An owl cannot roost<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With his limbs so unloosed;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No owl in this world<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ever had his claws curled,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ever had his legs slanted,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ever had his bill canted,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ever had his neck screwed<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Into that attitude.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He can't <i>do</i> it, because<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Tis against all bird-laws<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Anatomy teaches,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ornithology preaches<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An owl has a toe<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That <i>can't</i> turn out so!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I've made the white owl my study for years,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And to see such a job almost moves me to tears!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Mister Brown, I'm amazed<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You should be so gone crazed<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As to put up a bird<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In that posture absurd!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To <i>look</i> at that owl really brings on a dizziness;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The man who stuffed <i>him</i> don't half know his business!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">And the barber kept on shaving.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Examine those eyes.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'm filled with surprise<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Taxidermists should pass<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Off on you such poor glass;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So unnatural they seem<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They'd make Audubon scream,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And John Burroughs laugh<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To encounter such chaff.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Do take that bird down;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Have him stuffed again, Brown!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">And the barber kept on shaving.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"With some sawdust and bark<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I would stuff in the dark<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An owl better than that;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I could make an old hat<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Look more like an owl<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Than that horrid fowl,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Stuck up there so stiff like a side of coarse leather.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In fact, about <i>him</i> there's not one natural feather."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Just then, with a wink and a sly normal lurch,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The owl, very gravely, got down from his perch,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Walked round, and regarded his fault-finding critic<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(Who thought he was stuffed) with a glance analytic,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And then fairly hooted, as if he should say:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Your learning's at fault <i>this</i> time, anyway;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Don't waste it again on a live bird, I pray.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'm an owl; you're another. Sir Critic, good-day!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">And the barber kept on shaving.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="A_CAUSE_FOR_THANKS" id="A_CAUSE_FOR_THANKS"></a>A CAUSE FOR THANKS</h3>
+
+
+<p>A country parson, in encountering a storm the past season in the voyage
+across the Atlantic, was reminded of the following: A clergyman was so
+unfortunate as to be caught in a severe gale in the voyage out. The
+water was exceedingly rough, and the ship persistently buried her nose
+in the sea. The rolling was constant, and at last the good man got
+thoroughly frightened. He believed they were destined for a watery
+grave. He asked the captain if he could not have prayers. The captain
+took him by the arm and led him down to the forecastle, where the tars
+were singing and swearing. "There," said he, "when you hear them
+swearing, you may know there is no danger." He went back feeling better,
+but the storm increased his alarm. Disconsolate and unassisted, he
+managed to stagger to the forecastle again. The ancient mariners were
+swearing as ever. "Mary," he said to his sympathetic wife, as he crawled
+into his berth after tacking across a wet deck, "Mary, thank God they're
+swearing yet."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="JOHN_HAY" id="JOHN_HAY"></a>JOHN HAY</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="LITTLE_BREECHES" id="LITTLE_BREECHES"></a>LITTLE BREECHES</h3>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I don't go much on religion,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I never ain't had no show;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But I've got a middlin' tight grip, sir,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On the handful o' things I know.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I don't pan out on the prophets<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And free-will and that sort of thing&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But I b'lieve in God and the angels,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Ever sence one night last spring.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I come into town with some turnips,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And my little Gabe come along&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No four-year-old in the county<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Could beat him for pretty and strong,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Peart and chipper and sassy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Always ready to swear and fight&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And I'd larnt him to chaw terbacker<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Jest to keep his milk-teeth white.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The snow come down like a blanket<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As I passed by Taggart's store;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I went in for a jug of molasses<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And left the team at the door.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They scared at something and started&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I heard one little squall,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And hell-to-split over the prairie<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Went team, Little Breeches and all.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Hell-to-split over the prairie!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I was almost froze with skeer;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But we rousted up some torches,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And sarched for 'em far and near.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At last we struck horses and wagon,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Snowed under a soft white mound,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Upsot, dead beat&mdash;but of little Gabe<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nor hide nor hair was found.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And here all hope soured on me,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of my fellow-critter's aid&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I jest flopped down on my marrow-bones,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Crotch-deep in the snow, and prayed.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">By this, the torches was played out,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And me and Isrul Parr<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Went off for some wood to a sheepfold<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That he said was somewhar thar.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">We found it at last, and a little shed<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Where they shut up the lambs at night.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We looked in and seen them huddled thar,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So warm and sleepy and white;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And THAR sot Little Breeches, and chirped,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As peart as ever you see:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"I want a chaw of terbacker,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And that's what's the matter of me."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">How did he git thar? Angels.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He could never have walked in that storm;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They jest scooped down and toted him<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To whar it was safe and warm.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And I think that saving a little child,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And bringing him to his own,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is a derned sight better business<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Than loafing around The Throne.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Artemus Ward, when in London, gave a children's party. One of John
+Bright's sons was invited, and returned home radiant. "Oh, papa," he
+explained, on being asked whether he had enjoyed himself, "indeed I did.
+And Mr. Browne gave me such a nice name for you, papa."</p>
+
+<p>"What was that?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, he asked me how that gay and festive cuss, the governor, was!"
+replied the boy.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>It was on a train going through Indiana. Among the passengers were a
+newly married couple, who made themselves known to such an extent that
+the occupants of the car commenced passing sarcastic remarks about them.
+The bride and groom stood the remarks for some time, but finally the
+latter, who was a man of tremendous size, broke out in the following
+language at his tormenters: "Yes, we're married&mdash;just married. We are
+going 160 miles farther, and I am going to 'spoon' all the way. If you
+don't like it, you can get out and walk. She's my violet and I'm her
+sheltering oak."</p>
+
+<p>During the remainder of the journey they were left in peace.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="HENRY_W_SHAW_Josh_Billings" id="HENRY_W_SHAW_Josh_Billings"></a>HENRY W. SHAW ("Josh Billings")</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="NATRAL_AND_UNNATRAL_ARISTOKRATS" id="NATRAL_AND_UNNATRAL_ARISTOKRATS"></a>NATRAL AND UNNATRAL ARISTOKRATS</h3>
+
+
+<p>Natur furnishes all the nobleman we hav.</p>
+
+<p>She holds the pattent.</p>
+
+<p>Pedigree haz no more to do in making a man aktually grater than he iz,
+than a pekok's feather in his hat haz in making him aktually taller.</p>
+
+<p>This iz a hard phakt for some tew learn.</p>
+
+<p>This mundane earth iz thik with male and femail ones who think they are
+grate bekause their ansesstor waz luckey in the sope or tobacco trade;
+and altho the sope haz run out sumtime since, they try tew phool
+themselves and other folks with the suds.</p>
+
+<p>Sope-suds iz a prekarious bubble.</p>
+
+<p>Thare ain't nothing so thin on the ribs az a sope-suds aristokrat.</p>
+
+<p>When the world stands in need ov an aristokrat, natur pitches one into
+it, and furnishes him papers without enny flaw in them.</p>
+
+<p>Aristokrasy kant be transmitted&mdash;natur sez so&mdash;in the papers.</p>
+
+<p>Titles are a plan got up bi humans tew assist natur in promulgating
+aristokrasy.</p>
+
+<p>Titles ain't ov enny more real use or necessity than dog collars are.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I hav seen dog collars that kost 3 dollars on dogs that wan't worth, in
+enny market, over 87&frac12; cents.</p>
+
+<p>This iz a grate waste of collar; and a grate damage tew the dog.</p>
+
+<p>Natur don't put but one ingredient into her kind ov aristokrasy, and
+that iz virtew.</p>
+
+<p>She wets up the virtew, sumtimes, with a little pepper sass, just tew
+make it lively.</p>
+
+<p>She sez that all other kinds are false; and i beleave natur.</p>
+
+<p>I wish every man and woman on earth waz a bloated aristokrat&mdash;bloated
+with virtew.</p>
+
+<p>Earthly manufaktured aristokrats are made principally out ov munny.</p>
+
+<p>Forty years ago it took about 85 thousand dollars tew make a good-sized
+aristokrat, and innokulate his family with the same disseaze, but it
+takes now about 600 thousand tew throw the partys into fits.</p>
+
+<p>Aristokrasy, like of the other bred stuffs, haz riz.</p>
+
+<p>It don't take enny more virtew tew make an aristokrat now, nor clothes,
+than it did in the daze ov Abraham.</p>
+
+<p>Virtew don't vary.</p>
+
+<p>Virtew is the standard ov values.</p>
+
+<p>Clothes ain't.</p>
+
+<p>Titles ain't.</p>
+
+<p>A man kan go barefoot and be virtewous, and be an aristokrat.</p>
+
+<p>Diogoneze waz an aristokrat.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>His brown-stun front waz a tub, and it want on end, at that.</p>
+
+<p>Moneyed aristokrasy iz very good to liv on in the present hi kondishun
+ov kodphis and wearing apparel, provided yu see the munny, but if the
+munny kind of tires out and don't reach yu, and you don't git ennything
+but the aristokrasy, you hay got to diet, that's all.</p>
+
+<p>I kno ov thousands who are now dieting on aristokrasy.</p>
+
+<p>They say it tastes good.</p>
+
+<p>I presume they lie without knowing it.</p>
+
+<p>Not enny ov this sort ov aristokrasy for Joshua Billings.</p>
+
+<p>I never should think ov mixing munny and aristokrasy together; i will
+take mine seperate, if yu pleze.</p>
+
+<p>I don't never expekt tew be an aristokrat, nor an angel; i don't kno az
+i want tew be one.</p>
+
+<p>I certainly should make a miserable angel.</p>
+
+<p>I certainly never shall hav munny enuff tew make an aristokrat.</p>
+
+<p>Raizing aristokrats iz a dredful poor bizzness; yu don't never git your
+seed back.</p>
+
+<p>One democrat iz worth more tew the world than 60 thousand manufaktured
+aristokrats.</p>
+
+<p>An Amerikan aristokrat iz the most ridikilus thing in market. They are
+generally ashamed ov their ansesstors; and, if they hav enny, and live
+long enuff, they generally hav cauze tew be ashamed ov their posterity.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I kno ov sevral familys in Amerika who are trieing tew liv on their
+aristokrasy. The money and branes giv out sumtime ago.</p>
+
+<p>It iz hard skratching for them.</p>
+
+<p>Yu kan warm up kold potatoze and liv on them, but yu kant warm up
+aristokratik pride and git even a smell.</p>
+
+<p>Yu might az well undertake tew raze a krop ov korn in a deserted
+brikyard by manuring the ground heavy with tanbark.</p>
+
+<p>Yung man, set down, and keep still&mdash;yu will hay plenty ov chances yet to
+make a phool ov yureself before yu die.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>It is told of an old Baptist parson, famous in Virginia, that he once
+visited a plantation where the colored servant who met him at the gate
+asked which barn he would have his horse put in.</p>
+
+<p>"Have you two barns?" asked the minister.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sah," replied the servant; "dar's de old barn, and Mas'r Wales has
+jest built a new one."</p>
+
+<p>"Where do you usually put the horses of clergymen who come to see your
+master?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, sah, if dey's Methodist or Baptist we gen'ally puts 'em in de ole
+barn, but if dey's 'Piscopals we puts 'em in the new one."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Bob, you can put my horse in the new barn; I'm a Baptist, but my
+horse is an Episcopalian."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="JAMES_RUSSELL_LOWELL" id="JAMES_RUSSELL_LOWELL"></a>JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="THE_YANKEE_RECRUIT" id="THE_YANKEE_RECRUIT"></a>THE YANKEE RECRUIT</h3>
+
+
+<p>Mister Buckinum, the follerin Billet was writ hum by a Yung feller of
+our town that wuz cussed fool enuff to goe a-trottin inter Miss Chiff
+arter a Drum and fife. It ain't Nater for a feller to let on that he's
+sick o' any bizness that he went intu off his own free will and a Cord,
+but I rather cal'late he's middlin tired o' voluntearin By this time. I
+bleeve yu may put dependunts on his statemence. For I never heered
+nothin bad on him let Alone his havin what Parson Wilbur cals a
+<i>pongshong</i> for cocktales, and ses it wuz a soshiashun of idees sot him
+agoin arter the Crootin Sargient cos he wore a cocktale onto his hat.</p>
+
+<p>His Folks gin the letter to me and I shew it to parson Wilbur and he ses
+it oughter Bee printed, send It to mister Buckinum, ses he, i don't
+ollers agree with him, ses he, but by Time, ses he, I <i>du</i> like a feller
+that ain't a Feared.</p>
+
+<p>I have intusspussed a Few refleckshuns hear and thair. We're kind o'
+prest with Hayin.</p>
+
+<p class='center'>
+Ewers respecfly,</p>
+
+<p class='author'><span class="smcap">Hosea Biglow</span>.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">This kind o' sogerin' aint a mite like our October trainin',<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A chap could clear right out from there ef't only looked like rainin'.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' th' Cunnles, tu, could kiver up their shappoes with bandanners,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' sen the insines skootin' to the barroom with their banners<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(Fear o' gittin' on 'em spotted), an' a feller could cry quarter,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ef he fired away his ramrod artur tu much rum an' water.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Recollect wut fun we hed, you'n I on' Ezry Hollis,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Up there to Waltham plain last fall, ahavin' the Cornwallis?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This sort o' thing aint <i>jest</i> like thet&mdash;I wished thet I wuz furder&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nimepunce a day fer killin' folks comes kind o' low for murder<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(Wy I've worked out to slarterin' some fer Deacon Cephas Billins,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' in the hardest times there wuz I ollers teched ten shillins),<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">There's sutthin' gits into my throat thet makes it hard to swaller,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It comes so nateral to think about a hempen collar;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It's glory&mdash;but, in spite o' all my tryin' to git callous,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I feel a kind o' in a cart, aridin' to the gallus.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But wen it comes to <i>bein'</i> killed&mdash;I tell ye I felt streaked<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The fust time ever I found out wy baggonets wuz peaked;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Here's how it wuz: I started out to go to a fan-dango,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The sentinul he ups an' sez "Thet's furder 'an you can go."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"None o' your sarse," sez I; sez he, "Stan' back!" "Aint you a buster?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sez I, "I'm up to all thet air, I guess I've ben to muster;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I know wy sentinuls air sot; you aint agoin' to eat us;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Caleb haint no monopoly to court the scenoreetas;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">My folks to hum hir full ez good ez hisn be, by golly!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' so ez I wuz goin' by, not thinkin' wut would folly,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The everlastin' cus he stuck his one-pronged pitchfork in me<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' made a hole right thru my close ez ef I was an in'my.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Wal, it beats all how big I felt hoorawin' in old Funnel<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Wen Mister Bolles he gin the sword to our Leftenant Cunnle<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(It's Mister Secondary Bolles, thet writ the prize peace essay;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Thet's wy he didn't list himself along o' us, I dessay).<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' Rantoul, tu, talked pooty loud, but don't put <i>his</i> foot in it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Coz human life's so sacred thet he's principled agin' it&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Though I myself can't rightly see it's any wus achokin' on 'em<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Than puttin' bullets thru their lights, or with a bagnet pokin' on 'em;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">How dreffle slick he reeled it off (like Blitz at our lyceam<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ahaulin' ribbins from his chops so quick you skeercely see 'em),<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">About the Anglo-Saxon race (an' saxons would be handy<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To du the buryin' down here upon the Rio Grandy),<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">About our patriotic pas an' our star-spangled banner,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Our country's bird alookin' on an' singin' out hosanner,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' how he (Mister B&mdash;&mdash; himself) wuz happy fer Ameriky&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I felt, ez sister Patience sez, a leetle mite histericky.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I felt, I swon, ez though it wuz a dreffle kind o' privilege<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Atrampin' round thru Boston streets among the gutter's drivelage;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I act'lly thought it wuz a treat to hear a little drummin',<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' it did bonyfidy seem millanyum wuz a-comin';<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Wen all on us gots suits (darned like them wore in the state prison),<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' every feller felt ez though all Mexico was hisn.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This 'ere's about the meanest place a skunk could wal diskiver<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(Saltillo's Mexican, I b'lieve, fer wut we call Salt river).<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The sort o' trash a feller gits to eat doos beat all nater,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'd give a year's pay fer a smell o' one good blue-nose tater;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The country here thet Mister Bolles declared to be so charmin'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Throughout is swarmin' with the most alarmin' kind o' varmin'.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He talked about delishes froots, but then it was a wopper all,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The holl on't 's mud an' prickly pears, with here an' there a chapparal;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You see a feller peekin' out, an', fust you know, a lariat<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is round your throat an' you a copse, 'fore you can say, "Wut air ye at?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You never see sech darned gret bugs (it may not be irrelevant<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To say I've seen a <i>scarab&aelig;us pilularius</i><a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a> big ez a year old elephant),<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The rigiment come up one day in time to stop a red bug<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From runnin' off with Cunnle Wright&mdash;'twuz jest a common <i>cimex lectularius</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">One night I started up on eend an thought I wuz to hum agin,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I heern a horn, thinks I it's Sol the fisherman hez come agin,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>His</i> bellowses is sound enough&mdash;ez I'm a livin' creeter,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I felt a thing go thru my leg&mdash;'twuz nothin' more 'n a skeeter!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then there's the yeller fever, tu, they call it here <i>el vomito</i>&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(Come, thet wun't du, you landcrab there, I tell ye to le' go my toe!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">My gracious! it's a scorpion thet's took a shine to play with 't,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I darsn't skeer the tarnel thing fer fear he'd run away with 't).<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Afore I came away from hum I hed a strong persuasion<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Thet Mexicans worn't human beans&mdash;an ourang outang nation,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A sort o' folks a chap could kill an' never dream on't arter,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No more'n a feller'd dream o' pigs thet he had hed to slarter;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'd an idee thet they were built arter the darkie fashion all,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And kickin' colored folks about, you know, 's a kind o' national;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But wen I jined I won't so wise ez thet air queen o' Sheby,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Fer, come to look at 'em, they aint much diff'rent from wut we be,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' here we air ascrougin' 'em out o' thir own dominions,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ashelterin' 'em, ez Caleb sez, under our eagle's pinions,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Wich means to take a feller up jest by the slack o' 's trowsis<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' walk him Spanish clean right out o' all his homes and houses;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Wal, it does seem a curus way, but then hooraw fer Jackson!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It must be right, fer Caleb sez it's reg'lar Anglo-Saxon.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Mex'cans don't fight fair, they say, they piz'n all the water,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' du amazin' lots o' things thet isn't wut they ough' to;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Bein' they haint no lead, they make their bullets out o' copper<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' shoot the darned things at us, tu, wich Caleb sez ain't proper;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He sez they'd ough' to stan' right up an' let us pop 'em fairly<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(Guess wen he ketches 'em at thet he'll hev to git up airly),<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Thet our nation's bigger'n theirn an' so its rights air bigger,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' thet it's all to make 'em free thet we air pullin' trigger,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Thet Anglo-Saxondom's idee's abreakin' 'em to pieces,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' thet idee's thet every man doos jest wut he damn pleases;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ef I don't make his meanin' clear, perhaps in some respex I can,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I know thet "every man" don't mean a nigger or a Mexican;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' there's another thing I know, an' thet is, ef these creeturs,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Thet stick an Anglo-Saxon mask onto State prison feeturs,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Should come to Jalam Center fer to argify an' spout on 't,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The gals 'ould count the silver spoons the minnit they cleared out on 't.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">This goin' ware glory waits ye haint one agreeable feetur,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And ef it worn't fer wakin' snakes, I'd home agin short meter;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">O, wouldn't I be off, quick time, ef't worn't thet I wuz sartin<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They'd let the daylight into me to pay me fer desartin!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I don't approve o' tellin' tales, but jest to you I may state<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Our ossifers aint wut they wuz afore they left the Bay State;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then it wuz "Mister Sawin, sir, you're midd'lin well now, be ye?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Step up an' take a nipper, sir; I'm dreffle glad to see ye;"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But now it's, "Ware's my eppylet? Here, Sawin, step an' fetch it!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' mind your eye, be thund'rin spry, or damn ye, you shall ketch it!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Wal, ez the Doctor sez, some pork will bile so, but by mighty,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ef I hed some on 'em to hum, I'd give 'em linkumvity,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'd play the rogue's march on their hides an' other music follerin'&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But I must close my letter here for one on 'em 's a hollerin',<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">These Anglosaxon ossifers&mdash;wal, taint no use a jawin',<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'm safe enlisted fer the war,<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i0">Yourn,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Birdofredom Sawin</span>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Two dusky small boys were quarreling; one was pouring forth a volume of
+vituperous epithets, while the other leaned against a fence and calmly
+contemplated him. When the flow of language was exhausted he said:</p>
+
+<p>"Are you troo?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+
+<p>"You ain't got nuffin' more to say?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, all dem tings what you called me, you is."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHARLES_DUDLEY_WARNER" id="CHARLES_DUDLEY_WARNER"></a>CHARLES DUDLEY WARNER</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="MY_SUMMER_IN_A_GARDEN" id="MY_SUMMER_IN_A_GARDEN"></a>MY SUMMER IN A GARDEN</h3>
+
+
+<h3>SECOND WEEK</h3>
+
+<p>Next to deciding when to start your garden, the most important matter is
+what to put in it. It is difficult to decide what to order for dinner on
+a given day: how much more oppressive is it to order in a lump an
+endless vista of dinners, so to speak! For, unless your garden is a
+boundless prairie (and mine seems to me to be that when I hoe it on hot
+days), you must make a selection, from the great variety of vegetables,
+of those you will raise in it; and you feel rather bound to supply your
+own table from your own garden, and to eat only as you have sown.</p>
+
+<p>I hold that no man has a right (whatever his sex, of course) to have a
+garden to his own selfish uses. He ought not to please himself, but
+every man to please his neighbor. I tried to have a garden that would
+give general moral satisfaction. It seemed to me that nobody could
+object to potatoes (a most useful vegetable); and I began to plant them
+freely. But there was a chorus of protest against them. "You don't want
+to take up your ground with potatoes,"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span> the neighbors said; "you can buy
+potatoes" (the very thing I wanted to avoid doing is buying things).
+"What you want is the perishable things that you cannot get fresh in the
+market." "But what kind of perishable things?" A horticulturist of
+eminence wanted me to sow lines of strawberries and raspberries right
+over where I had put my potatoes in drills. I had about five hundred
+strawberry plants in another part of my garden; but this fruit-fanatic
+wanted me to turn my whole patch into vines and runners. I suppose I
+could raise strawberries enough for all my neighbors; and perhaps I
+ought to do it. I had a little space prepared for melons&mdash;muskmelons,
+which I showed to an experienced friend. "You are not going to waste
+your ground on muskmelons?" he asked. "They rarely ripen in this climate
+thoroughly before frost." He had tried for years without luck. I
+resolved not to go into such a foolish experiment. But the next day
+another neighbor happened in. "Ah! I see you are going to have melons.
+My family would rather give up anything else in the garden than
+muskmelons&mdash;of the nutmeg variety. They are the most graceful things we
+have on the table." So there it was. There was no compromise; it was
+melons or no melons, and somebody offended in any case. I half resolved
+to plant them a little late, so that they would, and they wouldn't. But
+I had the same difficulty about string-beans (which I detest), and
+squash<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span> (which I tolerate), and parsnips, and the whole round of green
+things.</p>
+
+<p>I have pretty much come to the conclusion that you have got to put your
+foot down in gardening. If I had actually taken counsel of my friends, I
+should not have had a thing growing in the garden to-day but weeds. And
+besides, while you are waiting, Nature does not wait. Her mind is made
+up. She knows just what she will raise; and she has an infinite variety
+of early and late. The most humiliating thing to me about a garden is
+the lesson it teaches of the inferiority of man. Nature is prompt,
+decided, inexhaustible. She thrusts up her plants with a vigor and
+freedom that I admire; and the more worthless the plant, the more rapid
+and splendid its growth. She is at it early and late, and all night;
+never tiring, nor showing the least sign of exhaustion.</p>
+
+<p>"Eternal gardening is the price of liberty" is a motto that I should put
+over the gateway of my garden, if I had a gate. And yet it is not wholly
+true; for there is no liberty in gardening. The man who undertakes a
+garden is relentlessly pursued. He felicitates himself that, when he
+gets it once planted, he will have a season of rest and of enjoyment in
+the sprouting and growing of his seeds. It is a keen anticipation. He
+has planted a seed that will keep him awake nights, drive rest from his
+bones, and sleep from his pillow. Hardly is the garden planted, when he
+must begin to hoe it. The weeds have sprung<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span> up all over it in a night.
+They shine and wave in redundant life. The docks have almost gone to
+seed; and their roots go deeper than conscience. Talk about the London
+docks!&mdash;the roots of these are like the sources of the Aryan race. And
+the weeds are not all. I awake in the morning (and a thriving garden
+will wake a person up two hours before he ought to be out of bed) and
+think of the tomato-plants&mdash;the leaves like fine lace-work, owing to
+black bugs that skip around and can't be caught. Somebody ought to get
+up before the dew is off (why don't the dew stay on till after a
+reasonable breakfast?) and sprinkle soot on the leaves. I wonder if it
+is I. Soot is so much blacker than the bugs that they are disgusted and
+go away. You can't get up too early if you have a garden. You must be
+early due yourself, if you get ahead of the bugs. I think that, on the
+whole, it would be best to sit up all night and sleep daytimes. Things
+appear to go on in the night in the garden uncommonly. It would be less
+trouble to stay up than it is to get up so early.</p>
+
+<p>I have been setting out some new raspberries, two sorts&mdash;a silver and a
+gold color. How fine they will look on the table next year in a
+cut-glass dish, the cream being in a ditto pitcher! I set them four and
+five feet apart. I set my strawberries pretty well apart also. The
+reason is to give room for the cows to run through when they break into
+the garden&mdash;as they do sometimes. A cow needs a broader track than a
+locomotive;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> and she generally makes one. I am sometimes astonished to
+see how big a space in a flower-bed her foot will cover. The raspberries
+are called Doolittle and Golden Cap. I don't like the name of the first
+variety, and, if they do much, shall change it to Silver Top. You can
+never tell what a thing named Doolittle will do. The one in the Senate
+changed color and got sour. They ripen badly&mdash;either mildew or rot on
+the bush. They are apt to Johnsonize&mdash;rot on the stem. I shall watch the
+Doolittles.</p>
+
+
+<h3>FOURTH WEEK</h3>
+
+<p>Orthodoxy is at a low ebb. Only two clergymen accepted my offer to come
+and help hoe my potatoes for the privilege of using my vegetable
+total-depravity figure about the snake-grass, or quack-grass, as some
+call it; and those two did not bring hoes. There seems to be a lack of
+disposition to hoe among our educated clergy. I am bound to say that
+these two, however, sat and watched my vigorous combats with the weeds,
+and talked most beautifully about the application of the snake-grass
+figure. As, for instance, when a fault or sin showed on the surface of a
+man, whether, if you dug down, you would find that it ran back and into
+the original organic bunch of original sin within the man. The only
+other clergyman who came was from out of town&mdash;a half-Universalist, who
+said he wouldn't give twenty cents for my figure. He said that the
+snake-grass was not in my garden originally,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> that it sneaked in under
+the sod, and that it could be entirely rooted out with industry and
+patience. I asked the Universalist-inclined man to take my hoe and try
+it; but he said he hadn't time, and went away.</p>
+
+<p>But, <i>jubilate</i>, I have got my garden all hoed the first time! I feel as
+if I had put down the rebellion. Only there are guerrillas left here and
+there, about the borders and in corners, unsubdued&mdash;Forest docks, and
+Quantrell grass, and Beauregard pigweeds. This first hoeing is a
+gigantic task: it is your first trial of strength with the
+never-sleeping forces of Nature. Several times in its progress I was
+tempted to do as Adam did, who abandoned his garden on account of the
+weeds. (How much my mind seems to run upon Adam, as if there had been
+only two really moral gardens&mdash;Adam's and mine!) The only drawback to my
+rejoicing over the finishing of the first hoeing is, that the garden now
+wants hoeing a second time. I suppose if my garden were planted in a
+perfect circle, and I started round it with a hoe, I should never see an
+opportunity to rest. The fact is, that gardening is the old fable of
+perpetual labor; and I, for one, can never forgive Adam Sisyphus, or
+whoever it was, who let in the roots of discord. I had pictured myself
+sitting at eve with my family, in the shade of twilight, contemplating a
+garden hoed. Alas! it is a dream not to be realized in this world.</p>
+
+<p>My mind has been turned to the subject of fruit and shade trees in a
+garden. There are those<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> who say that trees shade the garden too much
+and interfere with the growth of the vegetables. There may be something
+in this; but when I go down the potato rows, the rays of the sun
+glancing upon my shining blade, the sweat pouring from my face, I should
+be grateful for shade. What is a garden for? The pleasure of man. I
+should take much more pleasure in a shady garden. Am I to be sacrificed,
+broiled, roasted, for the sake of the increased vigor of a few
+vegetables? The thing is perfectly absurd. If I were rich, I think I
+would have my garden covered with an awning, so that it would be
+comfortable to work in it. It might roll up and be removable, as the
+great awning of the Roman Colosseum was&mdash;not like the Boston one, which
+went off in a high wind. Another very good way to do, and probably not
+so expensive as the awning, would be to have four persons of foreign
+birth carry a sort of canopy over you as you hoed. And there might be a
+person at each end of the row with some cool and refreshing drink.
+Agriculture is still in a very barbarous stage. I hope to live yet to
+see the day when I can do my gardening, as tragedy is done, to slow and
+soothing music, and attended by some of the comforts I have named. These
+things come so forcibly into my mind sometimes as I work, that perhaps,
+when a wandering breeze lifts my straw hat or a bird lights on a near
+currant-bush and shakes out a full-throated summer song, I almost expect
+to find the cooling drink and the hospitable enter<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span>tainment at the end
+of the row. But I never do. There is nothing to be done but to turn
+round and hoe back to the other end.</p>
+
+<p>Speaking of those yellow squash-bugs, I think I disheartened them by
+covering the plants so deep with soot and wood-ashes that they could not
+find them; and I am in doubt if I shall ever see the plants again. But I
+have heard of another defense against the bugs. Put a fine wire screen
+over each hill, which will keep out the bugs and admit the rain. I
+should say that these screens would not cost much more than the melons
+you would be likely to get from the vines if you bought them; but then,
+think of the moral satisfaction of watching the bugs hovering over the
+screen, seeing but unable to reach the tender plants within. That is
+worth paying for.</p>
+
+<p>I left my own garden yesterday and went over to where Polly was getting
+the weeds out of one of her flower-beds. She was working away at the bed
+with a little hoe. Whether women ought to have the ballot or not (and I
+have a decided opinion on that point, which I should here plainly give
+did I not fear that it would injure my agricultural influence), I am
+compelled to say that this was rather helpless hoeing. It was patient,
+conscientious, even pathetic hoeing; but it was neither effective nor
+finished. When completed, the bed looked somewhat as if a hen had
+scratched it; there was that touching unevenness about it. I think no
+one could look at it and not be affected. To be sure, Polly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> smoothed it
+off with a rake and asked me if it wasn't nice; and I said it was. It
+was not a favorable time for me to explain the difference between
+puttering hoeing and the broad, free sweep of the instrument which kills
+the weeds, spares the plants, and loosens the soil without leaving it in
+holes and hills. But, after all, as life is constituted, I think more of
+Polly's honest and anxious care of her plants than of the most finished
+gardening in the world.</p>
+
+
+<h3>SIXTH WEEK</h3>
+
+<p>Somebody has sent me a new sort of hoe, with the wish that I should
+speak favorably of it, if I can consistently. I willingly do so, but
+with the understanding that I am to be at liberty to speak just as
+courteously of any other hoe which I may receive. If I understand
+religious morals, this is the position of the religious press with
+regard to bitters and wringing machines. In some cases, the
+responsibility of such a recommendation is shifted upon the wife of the
+editor or clergyman. Polly says she is entirely willing to make a
+certificate, accompanied with an affidavit, with regard to this hoe; but
+her habit of sitting about the garden walk on an inverted flower-pot
+while I hoe somewhat destroys the practical value of her testimony.</p>
+
+<p>As to this hoe, I do not mind saying that it has changed my view of the
+desirableness and value of human life. It has, in fact, made life a
+holiday to me. It is made on the principle that man is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> an upright,
+sensible, reasonable being, and not a groveling wretch. It does away
+with the necessity of the hinge in the back. The handle is seven and a
+half feet long. There are two narrow blades, sharp on both edges, which
+come together at an obtuse angle in front; and as you walk along with
+this hoe before you, pushing and pulling with a gentle motion, the weeds
+fall at every thrust and withdrawal, and the slaughter is immediate and
+widespread. When I got this hoe, I was troubled with sleepless mornings,
+pains in the back, kleptomania with regard to new weeders; when I went
+into my garden I was always sure to see something. In this disordered
+state of mind and body I got this hoe. The morning after a day of using
+it I slept perfectly and late. I regained my respect for the Eighth
+Commandment. After two doses of the hoe in the garden the weeds entirely
+disappeared. Trying it a third morning, I was obliged to throw it over
+the fence in order to save from destruction the green things that ought
+to grow in the garden. Of course, this is figurative language. What I
+mean is, that the fascination of using this hoe is such that you are
+sorely tempted to employ it upon your vegetables after the weeds are
+laid low, and must hastily withdraw it to avoid unpleasant results. I
+make this explanation because I intend to put nothing into these
+agricultural papers that will not bear the strictest scientific
+investigation; nothing that the youngest child cannot understand and cry
+for; nothing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span> that the oldest and wisest men will not need to study with
+care.</p>
+
+<p>I need not add that the care of a garden with this hoe becomes the
+merest pastime. I would not be without one for a single night. The only
+danger is, that you may rather make an idol of the hoe, and somewhat
+neglect your garden in explaining it and fooling about with it. I almost
+think that, with one of these in the hands of an ordinary day-laborer,
+you might see at night where he had been working.</p>
+
+<p>Let us have peas. I have been a zealous advocate of the birds. I have
+rejoiced in their multiplication. I have endured their concerts at four
+o'clock in the morning without a murmur. Let them come, I said, and eat
+the worms, in order that we, later, may enjoy the foliage and the fruits
+of the earth. We have a cat, a magnificent animal, of the sex which
+votes (but not a pole-cat)&mdash;so large and powerful that if he were in the
+army he would be called Long Tom. He is a cat of fine disposition, the
+most irreproachable morals I ever saw thrown away in a cat, and a
+splendid hunter. He spends his nights, not in social dissipation, but in
+gathering in rats, mice, flying-squirrels, and also birds. When he first
+brought me a bird, I told him that it was wrong, and tried to convince
+him, while he was eating it, that he was doing wrong; for he is a
+reasonable cat, and understands pretty much everything except the
+binomial theorem and the time down the cycloidal arc. But with no
+effect.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> The killing of birds went on to my great regret and shame.</p>
+
+<p>The other day I went to my garden to get a mess of peas. I had seen the
+day before that they were just ready to pick. How I had lined the
+ground, planted, hoed, bushed them! The bushes were very fine&mdash;seven
+feet high, and of good wood. How I had delighted in the growing, the
+blowing, the podding! What a touching thought it was that they had all
+podded for me! When I went to pick them I found the pods all split open
+and the peas gone. The dear little birds, who are so fond of the
+strawberries, had eaten them all. Perhaps there were left as many as I
+planted; I did not count them. I made a rapid estimate of the cost of
+the seed, the interest of the ground, the price of labor, the value of
+the bushes, the anxiety of weeks of watchfulness. I looked about me on
+the face of nature. The wind blew from the south so soft and
+treacherous! A thrush sang in the woods so deceitfully! All nature
+seemed fair. But who was to give me back my peas? The fowls of the air
+have peas; but what has man?</p>
+
+<p>I went into the house. I called Calvin (that is the name of our cat,
+given him on account of his gravity, morality, and uprightness. We never
+familiarly call him John). I petted Calvin. I lavished upon him an
+enthusiastic fondness. I told him that he had no fault; that the one
+action that I had called a vice was an heroic exhibition of regard for
+my interest. I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> bade him go and do likewise continually. I now saw how
+much better instinct is than mere unguided reason. Calvin knew. If he
+had put his opinion into English (instead of his native catalogue), it
+would have been, "You need not teach your grandmother to suck eggs." It
+was only the round of nature. The worms eat a noxious something in the
+ground. The birds eat the worms. Calvin eats the birds. We eat&mdash;no, we
+do not eat Calvin. There the chain stops. When you ascend the scale of
+being, and come to an animal that is, like ourselves, inedible, you have
+arrived at a result where you can rest. Let us respect the cat: he
+completes an edible chain.</p>
+
+<p>I have little heart to discuss methods of raising peas. It occurs to me
+that I can have an iron pea-bush, a sort of trellis, through which I
+could discharge electricity at frequent intervals and electrify the
+birds to death when they alight; for they stand upon my beautiful bush
+in order to pick out the peas. An apparatus of this kind, with an
+operator, would cost, however, about as much as the peas. A neighbor
+suggests that I might put up a scarecrow near the vines, which would
+keep the birds away. I am doubtful about it; the birds are too much
+accustomed to seeing a person in poor clothes in the garden to care much
+for that. Another neighbor suggests that the birds do not open the pods;
+that a sort of blast, apt to come after rain, splits the pods, and the
+birds then eat the peas. It may be so.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> There seems to be complete unity
+of action between the blast and the birds. But good neighbors, kind
+friends, I desire that you will not increase, by talk, a disappointment
+which you cannot assuage.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="CROWDED" id="CROWDED"></a>CROWDED</h3>
+
+
+<p>Chauncey Depew says: In the Berkshire Hills there was a funeral, and as
+the friends and mourners gathered in the little parlor, there came the
+typical New England female who mingles curiosity with her sympathy, and,
+as she glanced around the darkened room, she said to the bereaved widow:</p>
+
+<p>"Where did you get that new eight-day clock?"</p>
+
+<p>"We ain't got no new eight-day clock," was the reply.</p>
+
+<p>"You ain't? What's that in the corner there?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, no, that's not an eight-day clock; that's the deceased. We stood
+him on end to make room for the mourners."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>A young wife who lost her husband by death telegraphed the sad tidings
+to her father in these succinct words: "Dear John died this morning at
+ten. Loss fully covered by insurance."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="THE_ALARMED_SKIPPER" id="THE_ALARMED_SKIPPER"></a>THE ALARMED SKIPPER</h3>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"It was an Ancient Mariner"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Many a long, long year ago,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nantucket skippers had a plan<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of finding out, though "lying low,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">How near New York their schooners ran.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">They greased the lead before it fell,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And then, by sounding through the night,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Knowing the soil that stuck, so well,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They always guessed their reckoning right.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">A skipper gray, whose eyes were dim,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Could tell, by <i>tasting</i>, just the spot,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And so below he'd "dowse the glim"&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">After, of course, his "something hot."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Snug in his berth, at eight o'clock,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This ancient skipper might be found;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No matter how his craft would rock,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He slept&mdash;for skippers' naps are sound!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The watch on deck would now and then<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Run down and wake him, with the lead;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He'd up, and taste, and tell the men<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">How many miles they went ahead.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">One night, 'twas Jotham Marden's watch,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A curious wag&mdash;the peddler's son&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And so he mused (the wanton wretch),<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"To-night I'll have a grain of fun.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"We're all a set of stupid fools<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To think the skipper knows by <i>tasting</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">What ground he's on&mdash;Nantucket schools<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Don't teach such stuff, with all their basting!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And so he took the well-greased lead<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And rubbed it o'er a box of earth<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That stood on deck&mdash;a parsnip-bed&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And then he sought the skipper's berth.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Where are we now, sir? Please to taste."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The skipper yawned, put out his tongue,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then ope'd his eyes in wondrous haste,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And then upon the floor he sprung!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The skipper stormed and tore his hair,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Thrust on his boots, and roared to Marden,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>"Nantucket's sunk, and here we are</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Right over old Marm Hackett's garden!"</i><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">James T. Fields.</span><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="THE_WEDDING_JOURNEY" id="THE_WEDDING_JOURNEY"></a>THE WEDDING JOURNEY</h3>
+
+
+<p><i>He</i>: Dearest, if I had known this tunnel was so long, I'd have given
+you a jolly hug.</p>
+
+<p><i>She</i>: Didn't you? Why, somebody did!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="FOREIGN_CORRESPONDENCE" id="FOREIGN_CORRESPONDENCE"></a>FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE</h3>
+
+
+<p>Do I think that the particular form of lying often seen in newspapers
+under the title, "From Our Foreign Correspondent," does any harm? Why,
+no, I don't know that it does. I suppose it doesn't really deceive
+people any more than the "Arabian Nights" or "Gulliver's Travels" do.
+Sometimes the writers compile <i>too</i> carelessly, though, and mix up facts
+out of geographies and stories out of the penny papers, so as to mislead
+those who are desirous of information. I cut a piece out of one of the
+papers the other day which contains a number of improbabilities and, I
+suspect, misstatements. I will send up and get it for you, if you would
+like to hear it. Ah, this is it; it is headed</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="OUR_SUMATRA_CORRESPONDENCE" id="OUR_SUMATRA_CORRESPONDENCE"></a>"OUR SUMATRA CORRESPONDENCE</h3>
+
+
+<p>"This island is now the property of the Stamford family&mdash;having been
+won, it is said, in a raffle by Sir &mdash;&mdash; Stamford, during the
+stock-gambling mania of the South Sea scheme. The history of this
+gentleman may be found in an interesting series of questions
+(unfortunately not yet answered) contained in the 'Notes and Queries.'
+This island is entirely surrounded by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span> the ocean, which here contains a
+large amount of saline substance, crystallizing in cubes remarkable for
+their symmetry, and frequently displays on its surface, during calm
+weather, the rainbow tints of the celebrated South Sea bubbles. The
+summers are oppressively hot, and the winters very probably cold; but
+this fact cannot be ascertained precisely, as, for some peculiar reason,
+the mercury in these latitudes never shrinks, as in more northern
+regions, and thus the thermometer is rendered useless in winter.</p>
+
+<p>"The principal vegetable productions of the island are the pepper tree
+and the bread-fruit tree. Pepper being very abundantly produced, a
+benevolent society was organized in London during the last century for
+supplying the natives with vinegar and oysters, as an addition to that
+delightful condiment. (Note received from Dr. D. P.) It is said,
+however, that, as the oysters were of the kind called <i>natives</i> in
+England, the natives of Sumatra, in obedience to a natural instinct,
+refused to touch them, and confined themselves entirely to the crew of
+the vessel in which they were brought over. This information was
+received from one of the oldest inhabitants, a native himself, and
+exceedingly fond of missionaries. He is said also to be very skilful in
+the <i>cuisine</i> peculiar to the island.</p>
+
+<p>"During the season of gathering pepper, the persons employed are subject
+to various incommodities, the chief of which is violent and
+long-continued sternutation, or sneezing. Such<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> is the vehemence of
+these attacks that the unfortunate subjects of them are often driven
+backward for great distances at immense speed, on the well-known
+principle of the &aelig;olipile. Not being able to see where they are going,
+these poor creatures dash themselves to pieces against the rocks, or are
+precipitated over the cliffs, and thus many valuable lives are lost
+annually. As during the whole pepper harvest they feed exclusively on
+this stimulant, they become exceedingly irritable. The smallest injury
+is resented with ungovernable rage. A young man suffering from the
+<i>pepper-fever</i>, as it is called, cudgeled another most severely for
+appropriating a superannuated relative of trifling value, and was only
+pacified by having a present made him of a pig of that peculiar species
+of swine called the <i>Peccavi</i> by the Catholic Jews, who, it is well
+known, abstain from swine's flesh in imitation of the Mohammedan
+Buddhists.</p>
+
+<p>"The bread tree grows abundantly. Its branches are well known to Europe
+and America under the familiar name of <i>maccaroni</i>. The smaller twigs
+are called <i>vermicelli</i>. They have a decided animal flavor, as may be
+observed in the soups containing them. Maccaroni, being tubular, is the
+favorite habitat of a very dangerous insect, which is rendered
+peculiarly ferocious by being boiled. The government of the island,
+therefore, never allows a stick of it to be exported without being
+accompanied by a piston with which its cavity may at any time be
+thoroughly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> swept out. These are commonly lost or stolen before the
+maccaroni arrives among us. It, therefore, always contains many of these
+insects, which, however, generally die of old age in the shops, so that
+accidents from this source are comparatively rare.</p>
+
+<p>"The fruit of the bread tree consists principally of hot rolls. The
+buttered-muffin variety is supposed to be a hybrid with the cocoanut
+palm, the cream found on the milk of the cocoanut exuding from the
+hybrid in the shape of butter, just as the ripe fruit is splitting, so
+as to fit it for the tea-table, where it is commonly served up with
+cold&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>There&mdash;I don't want to read any more of it. You see that many of these
+statements are highly improbable. No, I shall not mention the
+paper.&mdash;<i>The Autocrat of the Breakfast Table.</i></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="MUSIC-POUNDING" id="MUSIC-POUNDING"></a>MUSIC-POUNDING</h3>
+
+
+<p>The old Master was talking about a concert he had been to hear.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;I don't like your chopped music anyway. That woman&mdash;she had more sense
+in her little finger than forty medical societies&mdash;Florence
+Nightingale&mdash;says that the music you <i>pour</i> out is good for sick folks,
+and the music you <i>pound</i> out isn't. Not that exactly, but something
+like it. I have been to hear some music-pounding. It was a young woman,
+with as many white muslin flounces round her as the planet Saturn has
+rings, that did it. She gave the music-stool<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> a twirl or two and fluffed
+down on to it like a whirl of soap-suds in a hand-basin. Then she pushed
+up her cuffs as if she was going to fight for the champion's belt. Then
+she worked her wrists and her hands, to limber 'em, I suppose, and
+spread out her fingers till they looked as though they would pretty much
+cover the keyboard, from the growling end to the little squeaky one.
+Then those two hands of hers made a jump at the keys as if they were a
+couple of tigers coming down on a flock of black-and-white sheep, and
+the piano gave a great howl as if its tail had been trod on. Dead
+stop&mdash;so still you could hear your hair growing. Then another jump, and
+another howl, as if the piano had two tails and you had trod on both of
+'em at once, and then a grand clatter and scramble and string of jumps,
+up and down, back and forward, one hand over the other, like a stampede
+of rats and mice more than like anything I call music. I like to hear a
+woman sing, and I like to hear a fiddle sing, but these noises they
+hammer out of their wood-and-ivory anvils&mdash;don't talk to me; I know the
+difference between a bullfrog and a wood-thrush.&mdash;<i>The Poet at the
+Breakfast Table.</i></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>"That is rather a shabby pair of trousers you have on, for a man in your
+position."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir; but clothes do not make the man. What if my trousers are
+shabby and worn? They cover a warm heart, sir."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="FREDERICK_S_COZZENS" id="FREDERICK_S_COZZENS"></a>FREDERICK S. COZZENS</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="LIVING_IN_THE_COUNTRY" id="LIVING_IN_THE_COUNTRY"></a>LIVING IN THE COUNTRY</h3>
+
+
+<p>It is a good thing to live in the country. To escape from the
+prison-walls of the metropolis&mdash;the great brickery we call "the
+city"&mdash;and to live amid blossoms and leaves, in shadow and sunshine, in
+moonlight and starlight, in rain, mist, dew, hoarfrost, and drought, out
+in the open campaign and under the blue dome that is bounded by the
+horizon only. It is a good thing to have a well with dripping buckets, a
+porch with honey-buds and sweet-bells, a hive embroidered with nimble
+bees, a sun-dial mossed over, ivy up to the eaves, curtains of dimity, a
+tumbler of fresh flowers in your bedroom, a rooster on the roof, and a
+dog under the piazza.</p>
+
+<p>When Mrs. Sparrowgrass and I moved into the country, with our heads full
+of fresh butter, and cool, crisp radishes for tea; with ideas entirely
+lucid respecting milk, and a looseness of calculation as to the number
+in family it would take a good laying hen to supply with fresh eggs
+every morning; when Mrs. Sparrowgrass and I moved into the country, we
+found some preconceived notions had to be abandoned, and some departures
+made from the plans we had laid down in the little back parlor of Avenue
+G.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>One of the first achievements in the country is early rising: with the
+lark&mdash;with the sun&mdash;while the dew is on the grass, "under the opening
+eye-lids of the morn," and so forth. Early rising! What can be done with
+five or six o'clock in town? What may not be done at those hours in the
+country? With the hoe, the rake, the dibble, the spade, the
+watering-pot? To plant, prune, drill, transplant, graft, train, and
+sprinkle! Mrs. S. and I agreed to rise <i>early</i> in the country.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Richard and Robin were two pretty men,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They laid in bed till the clock struck ten;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Up jumped Richard and looked at the sky;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">O, Brother Robin, the sun's <i>very</i> high!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Early rising in the country is not an instinct; it is a sentiment, and
+must be cultivated.</p>
+
+<p>A friend recommended me to send to the south side of Long Island for
+some very prolific potatoes&mdash;the real hippopotamus breed. Down went my
+man, and what, with expenses of horse-hire, tavern bills, toll-gates,
+and breaking a wagon, the hippopotami cost as much apiece as pineapples.
+They were fine potatoes, though, with comely features, and large,
+languishing eyes, that promised increase of family without delay. As I
+worked my own garden (for which I hired a landscape gardener at two
+dollars per day to give me instructions), I concluded that the object of
+my first experiment in early rising should be the planting of the
+hippopotamuses. I accordingly arose next morning at five, and it rained!
+I rose next day at five, and it rained! The next,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> and it rained! It
+rained for two weeks! We had splendid potatoes every day for dinner. "My
+dear," said I to Mrs. Sparrowgrass, "where did you get these fine
+potatoes?" "Why," said she, innocently, "out of that basket from Long
+Island!" The last of the hippopotamuses were before me, peeled, and
+boiled, and mashed, and baked, with a nice thin brown crust on the top.</p>
+
+<p>I was more successful afterward. I did get some fine seed-potatoes in
+the ground. But something was the matter; at the end of the season I did
+not get as many out as I had put in.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Sparrowgrass, who is a notable housewife, said to me one day, "Now,
+my dear, we shall soon have plenty of eggs, for I have been buying a lot
+of young chickens." There they were, each one with as many feathers as a
+grasshopper, and a chirp not louder. Of course, we looked forward with
+pleasant hopes to the period when the first cackle should announce the
+milk-white egg, warmly deposited in the hay which we had provided
+bountifully. They grew finely, and one day I ventured to remark that our
+hens had remarkably large combs, to which Mrs. S. replied, "Yes, indeed,
+she had observed that; but if I wanted to have a real treat I ought to
+get up early in the morning and hear them crow." "Crow!" said I,
+faintly, "our hens crowing! Then, by 'the cock that crowed in the morn,
+to wake the priest all shaven and shorn,' we might as well give up all
+hopes of having any eggs,"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span> said I; "for as sure as you live, Mrs. S.,
+our hens are all roosters!" And so they were roosters! They grew up and
+fought with the neighbors' chickens, until there was not a whole pair of
+eyes on either side of the fence.</p>
+
+<p>A <i>dog</i> is a good thing to have in the country. I have one which I
+raised from a pup. He is a good, stout fellow, and a hearty barker and
+feeder. The man of whom I bought him said he was thoroughbred, but he
+begins to have a mongrel look about him. He is a good watch-dog, though;
+for the moment he sees any suspicious-looking person about the premises
+he comes right into the kitchen and gets behind the stove. First, we
+kept him in the house, and he scratched all night to get out. Then we
+turned him out, and he scratched all night to get in. Then we tied him
+up at the back of the garden, and he howled so that our neighbour shot
+at him twice before daybreak. Finally we gave him away, and he came
+back; and now he is just recovering from a fit, in which he has torn up
+the patch that has been sown for our spring radishes.</p>
+
+<p>A good, strong gate is a necessary article for your garden. A good,
+strong, heavy gate, with a dislocated hinge, so that it will neither
+open nor shut. Such a one have I. The grounds before my fence are in
+common, and all the neighbors' cows pasture there. I remarked to Mrs.
+S., as we stood at the window in a June sunset, how placid and
+picturesque the cattle looked, as they strolled about, cropping the
+green herbage.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span> Next morning I found the innocent creatures in my
+garden. They had not left a green thing in it. The corn in the milk, the
+beans on the poles, the young cabbages, the tender lettuce, even the
+thriving shoots on my young fruit trees had vanished. And there they
+were, looking quietly on the ruin they had made. Our watch-dog, too, was
+foregathering with them. It was too much; so I got a large stick and
+drove them all out, except a young heifer, whom I chased all over the
+flower-beds, breaking down my trellises, my woodbines and sweet-briers,
+my roses and petunias, until I cornered her in the hotbed. I had to call
+for assistance to extricate her from the sashes, and her owner has sued
+me for damages. I believe I shall move in town.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Mrs. Sparrowgrass and I have concluded to try it once more; we are going
+to give the country another chance. After all, birds in the spring are
+lovely. First come little snowbirds, <i>avant-couriers</i> of the feathered
+army; then bluebirds in national uniforms, just graduated, perhaps, from
+the ornithological corps of cadets with high honors in the topographical
+class; then follows a detachment of flying artillery&mdash;swallows;
+sand-martens, sappers and miners, begin their mines and countermines
+under the sandy parapets; then cedar birds, in trim jackets faced with
+yellow&mdash;aha, dragoons! And then the great rank and file of infantry,
+robins, wrens, sparrows, chipping-birds; and lastly&mdash;the band!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">From nature's old cathedral sweetly ring<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The wild bird choirs&mdash;burst of the woodland band,<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">&mdash;who mid the blossoms sing;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Their leafy temple, gloomy, tall and grand,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Pillared with oaks, and roofed with Heaven's own hand.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>There, there, that is Mario. Hear that magnificent chest note from the
+chestnuts! then a crescendo, falling in silence&mdash;<i>&agrave; plomb!</i></p>
+
+<p>Hush! he begins again with a low, liquid monotone, mounting by degrees
+and swelling into an infinitude of melody&mdash;the whole grove dilating, as
+it were, with exquisite epithalamium.</p>
+
+<p>Silence now&mdash;and how still!</p>
+
+<p>Hush! the musical monologue begins anew; up, up into the tree-tops it
+mounts, fairly lifting the leaves with its passionate effluence, it
+trills through the upper branches&mdash;and then dripping down the listening
+foliage, in a cadenza of matchless beauty, subsides into silence again.</p>
+
+<p>"That's a he catbird," says my carpenter.</p>
+
+<p>A catbird? Then Shakespeare and Shelley have wasted powder upon the
+skylark; for never such "profuse strains of unpremeditated art" issued
+from living bird before. Skylark! pooh! who would rise at dawn to hear
+the skylark if a catbird were about after breakfast?</p>
+
+<p>I have bought me a boat. A boat is a good thing to have in the country,
+especially if there be any water near. There is a fine beach in front of
+my house. When visitors come I usually propose to give them a row. I go
+down&mdash;and find the boat full of water; then I send to the house for a
+dipper and prepare to bail; and, what with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> bailing and swabbing her
+with a mop and plugging up the cracks in her sides, and struggling to
+get the rudder in its place, and unlocking the rusty padlock, my
+strength is so much exhausted that it is almost impossible for me to
+handle the oars. Meanwhile the poor guests sit on stones around the
+beach with woe-begone faces.</p>
+
+<p>"My dear," said Mrs. Sparrowgrass, "why don't you sell that boat?"</p>
+
+<p>"Sell it? Ha! ha!"</p>
+
+<p>One day a Quaker lady from Philadelphia paid us a visit. She was
+uncommonly dignified, and walked down to the water in the most stately
+manner, as is customary with Friends. It was just twilight, deepening
+into darkness, when I set about preparing the boat. Meanwhile our Friend
+seated herself upon <i>something</i> on the beach. While I was engaged in
+bailing, the wind shifted, and I became sensible of an unpleasant odor;
+afraid that our Friend would perceive it, too, I whispered Mrs.
+Sparrowgrass to coax her off and get her farther up the beach.</p>
+
+<p>"Thank thee, no, Susan; I feel a smell hereabout and I am better where I
+am."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. S. came back and whispered mysteriously that our Friend was sitting
+on a dead dog, at which I redoubled the bailing and got her out in deep
+water as soon as possible.</p>
+
+<p>Dogs have a remarkable scent. A dead setter one morning found his way to
+our beach, and I towed him out in the middle of the river; but the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span>
+faithful creature came back in less than an hour&mdash;that dog's smell was
+remarkable indeed.</p>
+
+<p>I have bought me a fyke! A fyke is a good thing to have in the country.
+A fyke is a fishnet, with long wings on each side; in shape like a
+nightcap with ear lappets; in mechanism like a rat-trap. You put a stake
+at the tip end of the nightcap, a stake at each end of the outspread
+lappets; there are large hoops to keep the nightcap distended, sinkers
+to keep the lower sides of the lappets under water, and floats as large
+as muskmelons to keep the upper sides above the water. The stupid fish
+come downstream, and, rubbing their noses against the wings, follow the
+curve toward the fyke and swim into the trap. When they get in they
+cannot get out. That is the philosophy of a fyke. I bought one of
+Conroy. "Now," said I to Mrs. Sparrowgrass, "we shall have fresh fish
+to-morrow for breakfast," and went out to set it. I drove the stakes in
+the mud, spread the fyke in the boat, tied the end of one wing to the
+stake, and cast the whole into the water. The tide carried it out in a
+straight line. I got the loose end fastened to the boat, and found it
+impossible to row back against the tide with the fyke. I then untied it,
+and it went downstream, stake and all. I got it into the boat, rowed up,
+and set the stake again. Then I tied one end to the stake and got out of
+the boat myself in shoal water. Then the boat got away in deep water;
+then I had to swim for the boat. Then I rowed back and untied the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> fyke.
+Then the fyke got away. Then I jumped out of the boat to save the fyke,
+and the boat got away. Then I had to swim again after the boat and row
+after the fyke, and finally was glad to get my net on dry land, where I
+left it for a week in the sun. Then I hired a man to set it, and he did,
+but he said it was "rotted." Nevertheless, in it I caught two small
+flounders and an eel. At last a brace of Irishmen came down to my beach
+for a swim at high tide. One of them, a stout, athletic fellow, after
+performing sundry aquatic gymnastics, dived under and disappeared for a
+fearful length of time. The truth is, he had dived into my net. After
+much turmoil in the water, he rose to the surface with the filaments
+hanging over his head, and cried out, as if he had found a bird's nest:
+"I say, Jimmy! begorra, here's a foike!" That unfeeling exclamation to
+Jimmy, who was not the owner of the net, made me almost wish that it had
+not been "rotted."</p>
+
+<p>We are worried about our cucumbers. Mrs. S. is fond of cucumbers, so I
+planted enough for ten families. The more they are picked, the faster
+they grow; and if you do not pick them, they turn yellow and look ugly.
+Our neighbor has plenty, too. He sent us some one morning, by way of a
+present. What to do with them we did not know, with so many of our own.
+To give them away was not polite; to throw them away was sinful; to eat
+them was impossible. Mrs. S. said, "Save them for seed." So we did. Next
+day, our neighbor sent us a dozen more.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> We thanked the messenger grimly
+and took them in. Next morning another dozen came. It was getting to be
+a serious matter; so I rose betimes the following morning, and when my
+neighbor's cucumbers came I filled his man's basket with some of my own,
+by way of exchange. This bit of pleasantry was resented by my neighbor,
+who told his man to throw them to the hogs. His man told our girl, and
+our girl told Mrs. S., and, in consequence, all intimacy between the two
+families has ceased; the ladies do not speak, even at church.</p>
+
+<p>We have another neighbor, whose name is Bates; he keeps cows. This year
+our gate has been fixed; but my young peach trees near the fences are
+accessible from the road; and Bates's cows walk along that road morning
+and evening. The sound of a cow-bell is pleasant in the twilight.
+Sometimes, after dark, we hear the mysterious curfew tolling along the
+road, and then with a louder peal it stops before our fence and again
+tolls itself off in the distance. The result is, my peach trees are as
+bare as bean-poles. One day I saw Mr. Bates walking along, and I hailed
+him: "Bates, those are your cows there, I believe?" "Yes, sir; nice
+ones, ain't they?" "Yes," I replied, "they are <i>nice</i> ones. Do you see
+that tree there?"&mdash;and I pointed to a thrifty peach, with about as many
+leaves as an exploded sky-rocket. "Yes, sir." "Well, Bates, that
+red-and-white cow of yours yonder ate the top off that tree; I saw her
+do it." Then I thought I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> had made Bates ashamed of himself, and had
+wounded his feelings, perhaps, too much. I was afraid he would offer me
+money for the tree, which I made up my mind to decline at once.
+"Sparrowgrass," said he, "it don't hurt a tree a single mossel to chaw
+it if it's a young tree. For my part, I'd rather have my young trees
+chawed than not. I think it makes them grow a leetle better. I can't do
+it with mine, but you can, because you can wait to have good trees, and
+the only way to have good trees is to have, 'em chawed."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>We have put a dumb-waiter in our house. A dumb-waiter is a good thing to
+have in the country, on account of its convenience. If you have company,
+everything can be sent up from the kitchen without any trouble; and if
+the baby gets to be unbearable, on account of his teeth, you can dismiss
+the complainant by stuffing him in one of the shelves and letting him
+down upon the help. To provide for contingencies, we had all our floors
+deafened. In consequence, you cannot hear anything that is going on in
+the story below; and when you are in the upper room of the house there
+might be a democratic ratification meeting in the cellar and you would
+not know it. Therefore, if any one should break into the basement it
+would not disturb us; but to please Mrs. Sparrowgrass, I put stout iron
+bars in all the lower windows. Besides, Mrs. Sparrowgrass had bought a
+rattle when she was in Philadelphia; such a rattle as watchmen carry<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span>
+there. This is to alarm our neighbor, who, upon the signal, is to come
+to the rescue with his revolver. He is a rash man, prone to pull trigger
+first and make inquiries afterward.</p>
+
+<p>One evening Mrs. S. had retired and I was busy writing, when it struck
+me a glass of ice-water would be palatable. So I took the candle and a
+pitcher and went down to the pump. Our pump is in the kitchen. A country
+pump in the kitchen is more convenient; but a well with buckets is
+certainly more picturesque. Unfortunately, our well water has not been
+sweet since it was cleaned out. First I had to open a bolted door that
+lets you into the basement hall, and then I went to the kitchen door,
+which proved to be locked. Then I remembered that our girl always
+carried the key to bed with her and slept with it under her pillow. Then
+I retraced my steps, bolted the basement door, and went up into the
+dining-room. As is always the case, I found, when I could not get any
+water, I was thirstier than I supposed I was. Then I thought I would
+wake our girl up. Then I concluded not to do it. Then I thought of the
+well, but I gave that up on account of its flavor. Then I opened the
+closet doors: there was no water there; and then I thought of the
+dumb-waiter! The novelty of the idea made me smile. I took out two of
+the movable shelves, stood the pitcher on the bottom of the dumb-waiter,
+got in myself with the lamp; let myself down, until I supposed I was
+within a foot of the floor below, and then let go!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>We came down so suddenly that I was shot out of the apparatus as if it
+had been a catapult; it broke the pitcher, extinguished the lamp, and
+landed me in the middle of the kitchen at midnight, with no fire and the
+air not much above the zero point. The truth is, I had miscalculated the
+distance of the descent&mdash;instead of falling one foot, I had fallen five.
+My first impulse was to ascend by the way I came down, but I found that
+impracticable. Then I tried the kitchen door; it was locked. I tried to
+force it open; it was made of two-inch stuff, and held its own. Then I
+hoisted a window, and there were the rigid iron bars. If ever I felt
+angry at anybody it was at myself for putting up those bars to please
+Mrs. Sparrowgrass. I put them up, not to keep people in, but to keep
+people out.</p>
+
+<p>I laid my cheek against the ice-cold barriers and looked out at the sky;
+not a star was visible; it was as black as ink overhead. Then I thought
+of Baron Trenck and the prisoner of Chillon. Then I made a noise. I
+shouted until I was hoarse, and ruined our preserving kettle with the
+poker. That brought our dogs out in full bark, and between us we made
+night hideous. Then I thought I heard a voice and listened&mdash;it was Mrs.
+Sparrowgrass calling to me from the top of the staircase. I tried to
+make her hear me, but the infernal dogs united with howl, and growl, and
+bark, so as to drown my voice, which is naturally plaintive and tender.
+Besides, there<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> were two bolted doors and double-deafened floors between
+us; how could she recognize my voice, even if she did hear it? Mrs.
+Sparrowgrass called once or twice and then got frightened; the next
+thing I heard was a sound as if the roof had fallen in, by which I
+understood that Mrs. Sparrowgrass was springing the rattle! That called
+out our neighbor, already wide awake; he came to the rescue with a
+bull-terrier, a Newfoundland pup, a lantern, and a revolver. The moment
+he saw me at the window he shot at me, but fortunately just missed me. I
+threw myself under the kitchen table and ventured to expostulate with
+him, but he would not listen to reason. In the excitement I had
+forgotten his name, and that made matters worse. It was not until he had
+roused up everybody around, broken in the basement door with an ax,
+gotten into the kitchen with his cursed savage dogs and shooting-iron,
+and seized me by the collar, that he recognized me&mdash;and then he wanted
+me to explain it! But what kind of an explanation could I make to him? I
+told him he would have to wait until my mind was composed, and then I
+would let him understand the whole matter fully. But he never would have
+had the particulars from me, for I do not approve of neighbors that
+shoot at you, break in your door, and treat you, in your own house, as
+if you were a jailbird. He knows all about it, however&mdash;somebody has
+told him&mdash;<i>somebody</i> tells everybody everything in our village.&mdash;<i>The
+Sparrowgrass Papers.</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="LOVE_IN_A_COTTAGE" id="LOVE_IN_A_COTTAGE"></a>LOVE IN A COTTAGE</h3>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">They may talk of love in a cottage,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And bowers of trellised vine&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of nature bewitchingly simple,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And milkmaids half divine;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They may talk of the pleasure of sleeping<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In the shade of a spreading tree,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And a walk in the fields at morning,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By the side of a footstep free!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But give me a sly flirtation<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By the light of a chandelier&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With music to play in the pauses,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And nobody very near;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or a seat on a silken sofa,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With a glass of pure old wine,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And mamma too blind to discover<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The small white hand in mine.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Your love in a cottage is hungry,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Your vine is a nest for flies&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Your milkmaid shocks the Graces,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And simplicity talks of pies!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You lie down to your shady slumber<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And wake with a bug in your ear,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And your damsel that walks in the morning<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is shod like a mountaineer.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">True love is at home on a carpet,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And mightily likes his ease&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And true love has an eye for a dinner,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And starves beneath shady trees.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His wing is the fan of a lady,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His foot's an invisible thing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And his arrow is tipp'd with a jewel<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And shot from a silver string.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Nathaniel Parker Willis</span><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="A_CASE_OF_CONSCIENCE" id="A_CASE_OF_CONSCIENCE"></a>A CASE OF CONSCIENCE</h3>
+
+
+<p><i>Uncle Jack:</i> It is very good lemonade, I am sure; but tell me, Bonnie,
+why do you sell yours for three cents a glass when Charley gets five for
+his?</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Bonnie:</i> Well, you mustn't tell anybody, Uncle Jack, but the puppy
+fell in mine and I thought it ought to be cheaper.</p>
+
+<p>A Hingham, Massachusetts, woman is said to have hit upon a happy idea
+when she was puzzled what to do in order to tell her mince and apple
+pies apart. She was advised to mark them, and did so, and complacently
+announced: "This I've marked 'T. M.'&mdash;'Tis mince; an' that I've marked
+'T. M.'&mdash;'Taint mince."</p>
+
+<p>Doctor Oliver Wendell Holmes used to be an amateur photographer. When he
+presented a picture to a friend, he wrote on the back of it, "Taken by
+O. W. Holmes &amp; Sun."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="HANS_BREITMANNS_PARTY" id="HANS_BREITMANNS_PARTY"></a>HANS BREITMANN'S PARTY</h3>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Hans Breitmann gife a barty:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Dey had biano-blayin':<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I felled in lofe mit a 'Merican frau,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Her name was Madilda Yane,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She hat haar as prown as a pretzel,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Her eyes vas himmel-plue,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Und ven dey looket indo mine,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Dey shplit mine heart in two.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Hans Breitmann gife a barty:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I vent dere, you'll be pound.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I valtzet mit Madilda Yane<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Und vent shpinnen round and round.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">De pootiest Fr&auml;ulein in de house,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She veyed 'pout dwo hoondred pound,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Und efery dime she gife a shoomp<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She make de vindows sound.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Hans Breitmann gife a barty:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I dells you it cost him dear.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Dey rolled in more ash sefen kecks<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of foost rate Lager Beer,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Und venefer dey knocks de shpicket in<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">De Deutschers gifes a cheer.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I dinks dat so vine a barty<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nefer coom to a het dis year.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Hans Breitmann gife a barty:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Dere all vas Souse und Brouse;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ven de sooper comed in, de gompany<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Did make demselfs to house.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Dey ate das Brot und Gensy broost,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">De Bratwurst und Braten fine,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Und vash der Abendessen down<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Mit four parrels of Neckarwein.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Hans Breitmann gife a barty:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We all cot troonk ash pigs.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I poot mine mout to a parrel of beer,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Und emptied it oop mit a schwigs.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Und denn I gissed Madilda Yane<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Und she shlog me on the kop,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Und de gompany fited mit dable-lecks<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Dill de coonsthable made oos shtop.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Hans Breitmann gife a barty&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Where ish dat barty now!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Where ish de lofely golden cloud<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Dat float on de mountain's prow?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Where ish de himmelstrahlende Stern&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">De shtar of de shpirit's light?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">All goned afay mit de Lager Beer&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Afay in de Ewigkeit!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Charles Godfrey Leland.</span><br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="FRANCES_M_WHICHER" id="FRANCES_M_WHICHER"></a>FRANCES M. WHICHER</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="TIM_CRANE_AND_THE_WIDOW" id="TIM_CRANE_AND_THE_WIDOW"></a>TIM CRANE AND THE WIDOW</h3>
+
+
+<p>"O, no, Mr. Crane, by no manner o' means, 'tain't a minnit tow soon for
+you to begin to talk about gittin' married agin. I am amazed you should
+be afeerd I'd think so. See&mdash;how long's Miss Crane ben dead? Six
+months!&mdash;land o' Goshen!&mdash;why, I've know'd a number of individdiwals get
+married in less time than that. There's Phil Bennett's widder 't I was
+a-talkin' about jest now&mdash;she 't was Louisy Perce&mdash;her husband hadent
+been dead but <i>three</i> months, you know. I don't think it looks well for
+a <i>woman</i> to be in such a hurry&mdash;but for a <i>man</i> it's a different
+thing&mdash;circumstances alters cases, you know. And then, sittiwated as you
+be, Mr. Crane, it's a turrible thing for your family to be without a
+head to superintend the domestic consarns and tend to the children&mdash;to
+say nothin' o' yerself, Mr. Crane. You dew need a companion, and no
+mistake. Six months! Good grievous! Why, Squire Titus dident wait but
+six <i>weeks</i> arter he buried his fust wife afore he married his second. I
+thought ther wa'n't no partickler need o' his hurryin' so, seein' his
+family was all grow'd up. Such a critter as he pickt out, tew! 'twas
+very onsuitable&mdash;but every man to his taste&mdash;I hain't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span> no dispersition
+to meddle with nobody's consarns. There's old farmer Dawson, tew&mdash;his
+pardner hain't ben dead but ten months. To be sure, he ain't married
+yet&mdash;but he would a-ben long enough ago if somebody I know on'd gin him
+any incurridgement. But 'tain't for me to speak o' that matter. He's a
+clever old critter and as rich as a Jew&mdash;but&mdash;lawful sakes! he's old
+enough to be my father. And there's Mr. Smith&mdash;Jubiter Smith; you know
+him, Mr. Crane&mdash;his wife (she 'twas Aurory Pike) she died last summer,
+and he's ben squintin' round among the wimmin ever since, and he <i>may</i>
+squint for all the good it'll dew him so far as I'm consarned&mdash;tho' Mr.
+Smith's a respectable man&mdash;quite young and hain't no family&mdash;very well
+off, tew, and quite intellectible&mdash;but I'm purty partickler. O, Mr.
+Crane! it's ten year come Jinniwary sence I witnessed the expiration o'
+my belovid companion&mdash;an oncommon long time to wait, to be sure&mdash;but
+'tain't easy to find anybody to fill the place o' Hezekier Bedott. I
+think <i>you're</i> the most like husband of ary individdiwal I ever see, Mr.
+Crane. Six months Murderation! Curus you should be afeered I'd think't
+was tew soon&mdash;why, I've know'd&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Crane.</span> "Well, widder&mdash;I've been thinking about taking
+another companion&mdash;and I thought I'd ask you&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Widow.</span> "O, Mr. Crane, egscuse my commotion, it's so onexpected.
+Jest hand me that are bottle of camfire off the mantletry shelf&mdash;I'm<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span>
+ruther faint&mdash;dew put a little mite on my handkercher and hold it to my
+nuz. There&mdash;that'll dew&mdash;I'm obleeged tew ye&mdash;now I'm ruther more
+composed&mdash;you may perceed, Mr. Crane."</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Crane</span>. "Well, widder, I was a-going to ask you
+whether&mdash;whether&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Widow</span>. "Continner, Mr. Crane&mdash;dew&mdash;I knew it's turrible
+embarrissin'. I remember when my dezeased husband made his suppositions
+to me he stammered and stuttered, and was so awfully flustered it did
+seems as if he'd never git it out in the world, and I s'pose it's
+ginnerally the case, at least it has been with all them that's made
+suppositions to me&mdash;you see they're ginerally oncerting about what kind
+of an answer they're a-gwine to git, and it kind o' makes 'em narvous.
+But when an individdiwal has reason to suppose his attachment's
+reperated, I don't see what need there is o' his bein' flustrated&mdash;tho'
+I must say it's quite embarrassin' to me&mdash;pray continner."</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C</span>. "Well, then, I want to know if yu're willing I should
+have Melissy?"</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Widow</span>. "The dragon!"</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C</span>. "I hain't said anything to her about it yet&mdash;thought the
+proper way was to get your consent first. I remember when I courted
+Trypheny, we were engaged some time before mother Kenipe knew anything
+about it, and when she found it out she was quite put out because I
+dident go to her first. So when I made up my mind about Melissy, thinks<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span>
+me, I'll dew it right this time and speak to the old woman first&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Widow</span>. "<i>Old woman</i>, hey! That's a purty name to call
+me!&mdash;amazin' perlite, tew! Want Melissy, hey! Tribbleation! Gracious
+sakes alive! Well, I'll give it up now! I always know'd you was a
+simpleton, Tim Crane, but I <i>must</i> confess I dident think you was
+<i>quite</i> so big a fool! Want Melissy, dew ye? If that don't beat all!
+What an everlastin' old calf you must be to s'pose she'd <i>look</i> at
+<i>you</i>. Why, you're old enough to be her father, and more tew&mdash;Melissy
+ain't only in her twenty-oneth year. What a reedickilous idee for a man
+o' your age! as gray as a rat, tew! I wonder what this world <i>is</i>
+a-comin' tew: 'tis astonishin' what fools old widdiwers will make o'
+themselves! Have Melissy! Melissy!"</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C</span>. "Why, widder, you surprise me. I'd no idee of being
+treated in this way after you'd been so polite to me, and made such a
+fuss over me and the girls."</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Widow</span>. "Shet yer head, Tim Crane&mdash;nun o' yer sass to me.
+<i>There's</i> yer hat on that are table, and <i>here's</i> the door&mdash;and the
+sooner you put on <i>one</i> and march out o' t'other, the better it'll be
+for you. And I advise you afore you try to git married agin, to go out
+West and see 'f yet wife's cold&mdash;and arter ye're satisfied on that pint,
+jest put a little lampblack on yer hair&mdash;'twould add to yer appearance
+undoubtedly, and be of sarvice tew you when you want to flourish round
+among the gals&mdash;and when ye've got yer hair<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span> fixt, jest splinter the
+spine o' yerback&mdash;'twould'n' hurt yer looks a mite&mdash;you'd be intirely
+unresistible if you was a <i>leetle</i> grain straiter."</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> "Well, I never!"</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Widow.</span> "Hold yer tongue&mdash;you consarned old coot you. I tell ye
+<i>there's</i> your hat, and <i>there's</i> the door&mdash;be off with yerself, quick
+metre, or I'll give ye a hyst with the broomstick."</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> "Gimmeni!"</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Widow</span> (<i>rising</i>). "Git out, I say&mdash;I ain't a-gwine to start'
+here and be insulted under my own ruff&mdash;and so git along&mdash;and if ever
+you darken my door again, or say a word to Melissy, it'll be the woss
+for you&mdash;that's all."</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. C.</span> "Treemenjous! What a buster!"</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Widow.</span> "Go 'long&mdash;go 'long&mdash;go 'long, you everlastin' old gum.
+I won't hear another word" [stops her ears]. "I won't, I won't, I
+won't."</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">[<i>Exit Mr. Crane.</i></span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(<i>Enter Melissa, accompanied by Captain Canoot.</i>)</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>"Good-evenin', Cappen Well, Melissy, hum at last, hey? Why didn't you
+stay till mornin'? Party business keepin' me up here so late waitin' for
+you&mdash;when I'm eny most tired to death ironin' and workin' like a slave
+all day&mdash;ought to ben abed an hour ago. Thought ye left me with
+agreeable company, hey? I should like to know what arthly reason you had
+to s'pose old Crane was agreeable to me? I always despised the critter;
+always thought he wuz a turrible fool&mdash;and now I'm convinced on't. I'm
+completely disgusted wit him&mdash;and I let him know it to-night.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> I gin him
+a piece o' my mind 't I guess he'll be apt to remember for a spell. I
+ruther think he went off with a flea in his ear. Why, Cappen&mdash;did ye
+ever hear of such a piece of audacity in all yer born days? for
+<i>him</i>&mdash;<i>Tim Crane</i>&mdash;to durst to expire to my hand&mdash;the widder o' Deacon
+Bedott, jest as if <i>I'd</i> condescen' to look at <i>him</i>&mdash;the old numbskull!
+He don't know B from a broomstick; but if he'd a-stayed much longer I'd
+a-teached him the difference, I guess. He's got his <i>walkin' ticket</i>
+now&mdash;I hope he'll lemme alone in futur. And where's Kier? Gun hum with
+the Cranes, hey! Well, I guess it's the last time. And now, Melissy
+Bedott, you ain't to have nothin' more to dew with them gals&mdash;d'ye hear?
+You ain't to 'sociate with 'em at all arter this&mdash;twould only be
+incurridgin' th' old man to come a-pesterin' me agin&mdash;and I won't have
+him round&mdash;d'ye hear? Don't be in a hurry, Cappen&mdash;and don't be alarmed
+at my gittin' in such passion about old Crane's presumption. Mabby you
+think 'twas onfeelin' in me to use him so&mdash;an' I don't say but what
+'twas <i>ruther</i>, but then he's so awful disagreeable tew me, you
+know&mdash;'tain't <i>everybody</i> I'd treat in such a way. Well, if you <i>must</i>
+go, good-evenin'! Give my love to Hanner when you write agin&mdash;dew call
+frequently, Cappen Canoot, dew."&mdash;<i>The Bedott Papers.</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="THE_STAMMERING_WIFE" id="THE_STAMMERING_WIFE"></a>THE STAMMERING WIFE</h3>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">When deeply in love with Miss Emily Pryne,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I vowed, if, the maiden would only be mine,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I would always endeavor to please her.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She blushed her consent, though the stuttering lass<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Said never a word except "You're an ass&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An ass&mdash;an ass-iduous teaser!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But when we were married, I found to my ruth,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The stammering lady had spoken the truth;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For often, in obvious dudgeon,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She'd say, if I ventured to give her a jog<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In the way of reproof&mdash;"You're a dog&mdash;you're a dog&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A dog&mdash;a dog-matic curmudgeon!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And once when I said, "We can hardly afford<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This extravagant style, with our moderate hoard,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And hinted we ought to be wiser.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She looked, I assure you, exceedingly blue,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And fretfully cried, 'You're a Jew&mdash;you're a Jew&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A very ju-dicious adviser!'"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Again, when it happened that, wishing to shirk<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Some rather unpleasant and arduous work,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I begged her to go to a neighbor,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She wanted to know why I made such a fuss,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And saucily said, "You're a cuss&mdash;cuss&mdash;cuss&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You were always ac-cus-tomed to labor!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Out of temper at last with the insolent dame,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And feeling that madam was greatly to blame<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To scold me instead of caressing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I mimicked her speech&mdash;like a churl that I am&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And angrily said, "You're a dam&mdash;dam&mdash;dam<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A dam-age instead of a blessing!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">John Godfrey Saxe.</span><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="HE_ROSE_TO_THE_OCCASION" id="HE_ROSE_TO_THE_OCCASION"></a>HE ROSE TO THE OCCASION</h3>
+
+
+<p>Several years ago there labored in one of the Western villages of
+Minnesota a preacher who was always in the habit of selecting his texts
+from the Old Testament, and particularly some portion of the history of
+Noah. No matter what the occasion was, he would always find some
+parallel incident from the history of this great character that would
+readily serve as a text or illustration.</p>
+
+<p>At one time he was called upon to unite the daughter of the village
+mayor and a prominent attorney in the holy bonds of matrimony. Two
+little boys, knowing his determination to give them a portion of the
+sacred history touching Noah's marriage, hit upon the novel idea of
+pasting together two leaves in the family Bible so as to connect,
+without any apparent break,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> the marriage of Noah and the description of
+the Ark of the Covenant.</p>
+
+<p>When the noted guests were all assembled and the contracting parties
+with attendants in their respective stations, the preacher began the
+ceremonies by reading the following text: "And when Noah was one hundred
+and forty years old, he took unto himself a wife" (then turning the page
+he continued) "three hundred cubits in length, fifty cubits in width,
+and thirty cubits in depth, and within and without besmeared with
+pitch." The story seemed a little strong, but he could not doubt the
+Bible, and after reading it once more and reflecting a moment, he turned
+to the startled assemblage with these remarks: "My beloved brethren,
+this is the first time in the history of my life that my attention has
+been called to this important passage of the Scriptures, but it seems to
+me that it is one of the most forcible illustrations of that grand
+eternal truth, that the nature of woman is exceedingly difficult to
+comprehend."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="POLITE" id="POLITE"></a>POLITE</h3>
+
+
+<p>In her "Abandoning an Adopted Farm," Miss Kate Sanborn tells of her
+annoyance at being besieged by agents, reporters and curiosity seekers.
+She says: "I was so perpetually harassed that I dreaded to see a
+stranger approach with an air of business. The other day I was just
+starting out for a drive when I noticed the usual stranger hurrying on.
+Putting my head<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> out of the carriage, I said in a petulant and weary
+tone, 'Do you want to see me?' The young man stopped, smiled, and
+replied courteously, 'It gives me pleasure to look at you, madam, but I
+was going farther on.'"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>A small boy in Boston, who had unfortunately learned to swear, was
+rebuked by his father. "Who told you that I swore?" asked the bad little
+boy. "Oh, a little bird told me," said the father. The boy stood and
+looked out of the window, scowling at some sparrows which were scolding
+and chattering. Then he had a happy thought. "I know who told you," he
+said. "It was one of those &mdash;&mdash; sparrows."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="LOST_STRAYED_OR_STOLEN" id="LOST_STRAYED_OR_STOLEN"></a>LOST, STRAYED OR STOLEN</h3>
+
+
+<p>It is said that when President Polk visited Boston he was impressively
+received at Faneuil Hall Market. The clerk walked in front of him down
+the length of the market, announcing in loud tones:</p>
+
+<p>"Make way, gentlemen, for the President of the United States! The
+President of the United States! Fellow-citizens, make room!"</p>
+
+<p>The Chief had stepped into one of the stalls to look at some game, when
+Mr. Rhodes turned round suddenly, and, finding himself alone, suddenly
+changed his tone and exclaimed:</p>
+
+<p>"My gracious, where has that darned idiot got to?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="HE_CAME_TO_PAY" id="HE_CAME_TO_PAY"></a>HE CAME TO PAY</h3>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The editor sat with his head in his hands<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And his elbows at rest on his knees;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He was tired of the ever-increasing demands<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On his time, and he panted for ease.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The clamor for copy was scorned with a sneer,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And he sighed in the lowest of tones:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Won't somebody come with a dollar to cheer<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The heart of Emanuel Jones?"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Just then on the stairway a footstep was heard<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And a rap-a-tap loud at the door,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the flickering hope that had been long deferred<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Blazed up like a beacon once more;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And there entered a man with a cynical smile<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That was fringed with a stubble of red,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who remarked, as he tilted a sorry old tile<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To the back of an average head:<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"I have come here to pay"&mdash;Here the editor cried<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"You're as welcome as flowers in spring!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sit down in this easy armchair by my side,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And excuse me awhile till I bring<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A lemonade dashed with a little old wine<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And a dozen cigars of the best....<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ah! Here we are! This, I assure you, is fine;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Help yourself, most desirable guest."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The visitor drank with a relish, and smoked<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Till his face wore a satisfied glow,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the editor, beaming with merriment, joked<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In a joyous, spontaneous flow;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And then, when the stock of refreshments was gone,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His guest took occasion to say,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In accents distorted somewhat by a yawn,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"My errand up here is to pay&mdash;&mdash;"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But the generous scribe, with a wave of his hand,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Put a stop to the speech of his guest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And brought in a melon, the finest the land<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ever bore on its generous breast;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the visitor, wearing a singular grin,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Seized the heaviest half of the fruit,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the juice, as it ran in a stream from his chin,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Washed the mud of the pike from his boot.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Then, mopping his face on a favorite sheet<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which the scribe had laid carefully by,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The visitor lazily rose to his feet<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With the dreariest kind of a sigh,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And he said, as the editor sought his address,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In his books to discover his due:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"I came here to pay&mdash;my respects to the press,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And to borrow a dollar of you!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Andrew V. Kelley</span> ("Parmenas Mix").<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="A_GENTLE_COMPLAINT" id="A_GENTLE_COMPLAINT"></a>A GENTLE COMPLAINT</h3>
+
+
+<p class='author'>
+<span class="smcap">Fairfield, Conn.</span></p>
+
+<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="smcap">P. T. Barnum,</span> Esq.</span>
+</p>
+
+<p><i>Dear Sir:</i> We have a large soiled Asiatic elephant visiting us now,
+which we suspect belongs to you. His skin is a misfit, and he keeps
+moving his trunk from side to side nervously. If you have missed an
+elephant answering to this description, please come up and take him
+away, as we have no use for him. An elephant on a place so small as ours
+is more of a trouble than a convenience. I have endeavored to frighten
+him away, but he does not seem at all timid, and my wife and I, assisted
+by our hired man, tried to push him out of the yard, but our efforts
+were unavailing. He has made our home his own now for some days, and he
+has become quite <i>de trop</i>. We do not mind him so much in the daytime,
+for he then basks mostly on the lawn and plays with the children (to
+whom he has greatly endeared himself), but at night he comes up and lays
+his head on our piazza, and his deep and stertorous breathing keeps my
+wife awake. I feel as though I were entitled to some compensation for
+his keep. He is a large though not fastidious eater, and he has
+destroyed some of my plants by treading on them; and he also leaned
+against our woodhouse. My neighbor&mdash;who is something of a wag&mdash;says I
+have a lien on his trunk for the amount of his board; but that, of
+course, is only pleasantry. Your immediate attention will oblige.
+<span class="smcap">Simeon Ford.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="THE_BALLAD_OF_THE_OYSTERMAN" id="THE_BALLAD_OF_THE_OYSTERMAN"></a>THE BALLAD OF THE OYSTERMAN</h3>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">It was a tall young oysterman lived by the riverside,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His shop was just upon the bank, his boat was on the tide;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The daughter of a fisherman, that was so straight and slim,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Lived over on the other bank, right opposite to him.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">It was the pensive oysterman that saw a lovely maid,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Upon a moonlight evening, a-sitting in the shade:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He saw her wave a handkerchief, as much as if to say,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"I'm wide awake, young oysterman, and all the folks away."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Then up arose the oysterman, and to himself said he,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"I guess I'll leave the skiff at home, for fear that folks should see;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I read it in the story-book, that, for to kiss his dear,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Leander swam the Hellespont, and I will swim this here."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And he has leaped into the waves, and crossed the shining stream,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And he has clambered up the bank, all in the moonlight gleam;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Oh, there are kisses sweet as dew, and words as soft as rain&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But they have heard her father's step, and in he leaps again!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Out spoke the ancient fisherman: "Oh, what was that, my daughter?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"'Twas nothing but a pebble, sir, I threw into the water."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"And what is that, pray tell me, love, that paddles off so fast?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"It's nothing but a porpoise, sir, that's been a-swimming past."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Out spoke the ancient fisherman: "Now, bring me my harpoon!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'll get into my fishing-boat, and fix the fellow soon."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Down fell that pretty innocent, as falls a snow-white lamb;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Her hair drooped round her pallid cheeks, like seaweed on a clam.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Alas! for those two loving ones! she waked not from her swound,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And he was taken with the cramp, and in the waves was drowned;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But Fate has metamorphosed them, in pity of their woe,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And now they keep an oyster shop for mermaids down below.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Oliver Wendell Holmes.</span><br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span></div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="MARIETTA_HOLLEY" id="MARIETTA_HOLLEY"></a>MARIETTA HOLLEY</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="A_PLEASURE_EXERTION" id="A_PLEASURE_EXERTION"></a>A PLEASURE EXERTION</h3>
+
+
+<p>Wal, the very next mornin' Josiah got up with a new idee in his head.
+And he broached it to me to the breakfast table. They have been havin'
+sights of pleasure exertions here to Jonesville lately. Every week
+a'most they would go off on a exertion after pleasure, and Josiah was
+all up on end to go, too.</p>
+
+<p>That man is a well-principled man as I ever see, but if he had his head
+he would be worse than any young man I ever see to foller up picnics and
+4th of Julys and camp-meetin's and all pleasure exertions. But I don't
+encourage him in it. I have said to him time and again: "There is a time
+for everything, Josiah Allen, and after anybody has lost all their teeth
+and every mite of hair on the top of their head, it is time for 'em to
+stop goin' to pleasure exertions."</p>
+
+<p>But good land! I might jest as well talk to the wind! If that man should
+get to be as old as Mr. Methusler, and be goin' on a thousand years old,
+he would prick up his ears if he should hear of a exertion. All summer
+long that man has beset me to go to 'em, for he wouldn't go without me.
+Old Bunker Hill himself hain't any sounder in principle than Josiah
+Allen, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span> I have had to work head-work to make excuses and quell him
+down. But last week they was goin' to have one out on the lake, on a
+island, and that man sot his foot down that go he would.</p>
+
+<p>We was to the breakfast table a-talkin' it over, and says I:</p>
+
+<p>"I shan't go, for I am afraid of big water, anyway."</p>
+
+<p>Says Josiah: "You are jest as liable to be killed in one place as
+another."</p>
+
+<p>Says I, with a almost frigid air as I passed him his coffee, "Mebee I
+shall be drounded on dry land, Josiah Allen, but I don't believe it."</p>
+
+<p>Says he, in a complainin' tone: "I can't get you started onto a exertion
+for pleasure anyway."</p>
+
+<p>Says I, in a almost eloquent way: "I don't believe in makin' such
+exertions after pleasure. As I have told you time and agin, I don't
+believe in chasin' of her up. Let her come of her own free will. You
+can't ketch her by chasin' after her no more than you can fetch up a
+shower in a drowth by goin' outdoors and runnin' after a cloud up in the
+heavens above you. Sit down and be patient, and when it gets ready the
+refreshin' raindrops will begin to fall without none of your help. And
+it is jest so with pleasure, Josiah Allen; you may chase her up over all
+the oceans and big mountains of the earth, and she will keep ahead of
+you all the time; but set down and not fatigue yourself a-thinkin' about
+her, and like as not she will come right into your house unbeknown to
+you."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Wal," says he, "I guess I'll have another griddle-cake, Samantha."</p>
+
+<p>And as he took it and poured the maple syrup over it, he added gently
+but firmly:</p>
+
+<p>"I shall go, Samantha, to this exertion, and I should be glad to have
+you present at it, because it seems jest to me as if I should fall
+overboard durin' the day."</p>
+
+<p>Men are deep. Now that man knew that no amount of religious preachin'
+could stir me up like that one speech. For though I hain't no hand to
+coo, and don't encourage him in bein' spoony at all, he knows that I am
+wrapped almost completely up in him. I went.</p>
+
+<p>Wal, the day before the exertion Kellup Cobb come into our house of a
+errant, and I asked him if he was goin' to the exertion; and he said he
+would like to go, but he dassent.</p>
+
+<p>"Dassent!" says I. "Why dassent you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why," says he, "how would the rest of the wimmin round Jonesville feel
+if I should pick out one woman and wait on her?" Says he bitterly: "I
+hain't perfect, but I hain't such a cold-blooded rascal as not to have
+any regard for wimmen's feelin's. I hain't no heart to spile all the
+comfort of the day for ten or a dozen wimmen."</p>
+
+<p>"Why," says I, in a dry tone, "one woman would be happy, accordin' to
+your tell."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, one woman happy, and ten or fifteen gauled&mdash;bruised in the
+tenderest place."</p>
+
+<p>"On their heads?" says I, inquirin'ly.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"No," says he, "their hearts. All the girls have probable had more or
+less hopes that I would invite 'em&mdash;make a choice of 'em. But when the
+blow was struck, when I had passed 'em by and invited some other, some
+happier woman, how would them slighted ones feel? How do you s'pose they
+would enjoy the day, seein' me with another woman, and they droopin'
+round without me? That is the reason, Josiah Allen's wife, that I
+dassent go. It hain't the keepin' of my horse through the day that stops
+me. For I could carry a quart of oats and a little jag of hay in the
+bottom of the buggy. If I had concluded to pick out a girl and go, I had
+got it all fixed out in my mind how I would manage. I had thought it
+over, while I was ondecided and duty was a-strugglin' with me. But I was
+made to see where the right way for me lay, and I am goin' to foller it.
+Joe Purday is goin' to have my horse, and give me seven shillin's for
+the use of it and its keepin'. He come to hire it just before I made up
+my mind that I hadn't ort to go.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course it is a cross to me. But I am willin' to bear crosses for the
+fair sect. Why," says he, a-comin' out in a open, generous way, "I would
+be willin', if necessary for the general good of the fair sect&mdash;I would
+be willin' to sacrifice ten cents for 'em, or pretty nigh that, I wish
+so well to 'em. I <i>hain't</i> that enemy to 'em that they think I am. I
+can't marry 'em all, Heaven knows I can't, but I wish 'em well."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Wal," says I, "I guess my dishwater is hot; it must be pretty near
+bilin' by this time."</p>
+
+<p>And he took the hint and started off. I see it wouldn't do no good to
+argue with him that wimmen didn't worship him. For when a feller once
+gets it into his head that female wimmen are all after him, you might
+jest as well dispute the wind as argue with him. You can't convince him
+nor the wind&mdash;neither of 'em&mdash;so what's the use of wastin' breath on
+'em. And I didn't want to spend a extra breath that day anyway, knowin'
+I had such a hard day's work in front of me, a-finishin' cookin' up
+provisions for the exertion, and gettin' things done up in the house so
+I could leave 'em for all day.</p>
+
+<p>We had got to start about the middle of the night; for the lake was
+fifteen miles from Jonesville, and the old mare's bein' so slow, we had
+got to start an hour or two ahead of the rest. I told Josiah in the
+first on't, that I had just as lives set up all night as to be routed
+out at two o'clock. But he was so animated and happy at the idee of
+goin' that he looked on the bright side of everything, and he said that
+we would go to bed before dark, and get as much sleep as we commonly
+did. So we went to bed the sun an hour high. And I was truly tired
+enough to lay down, for I had worked dretful hard that day&mdash;almost
+beyond my strength. But we hadn't more'n got settled down into the bed,
+when we heard a buggy and a single wagon stop at the gate, and I got up
+and peeked through the window, and I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> see it was visitors come to spend
+the evenin.' Elder Bamber and his family, and Deacon Dobbinses' folks.</p>
+
+<p>Josiah vowed that he wouldn't stir one step out of that bed that night.
+But I argued with him pretty sharp, while I was throwin' on my clothes,
+and I finally got him started up. I hain't deceitful, but I thought if I
+got my clothes all on before they came in I wouldn't tell 'em that I had
+been to bed that time of day. And I did get all dressed up, even to my
+handkerchief pin. And I guess they had been there as much as ten minutes
+before I thought that I hadn't took my nightcap off. They looked
+dreadful curious at me, and I felt awful meachin'. But I jest ketched it
+off, and never said nothin'. But when Josiah come out of the bedroom
+with what little hair he has got standin' out in every direction, no two
+hairs a-layin' the same way, and one of his galluses a-hangin' most to
+the floor under his best coat, I up and told 'em. I thought mebby they
+wouldn't stay long. But Deacon Dobbinses' folks seemed to be all waked
+up on the subject of religion, and they proposed we should turn it into
+a kind of a conference meetin'; so they never went home till after ten
+o'clock.</p>
+
+<p>It was 'most eleven when Josiah and me got to bed agin. And then jest as
+I was gettin' into a drowse, I heered the cat in the buttery, and I got
+up to let her out. And that roused Josiah up, and he thought he heered
+the cattle in the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> garden, and he got up and went out. And there we was
+a-marchin' round 'most all night.</p>
+
+<p>And if we would get into a nap, Josiah would think it was mornin' and he
+would start up and go out to look at the clock. He seemed so afraid we
+would be belated and not get to that exertion in time. And there we was
+on our feet 'most all night. I lost myself once, for I dreampt that
+Josiah was a-drowndin', and Deacon Dobbins was on the shore a-prayin'
+for him. It started me so that I jist ketched hold of Josiah and
+hollered. It skairt him awfully, and says he, "What does ail you,
+Samantha? I hain't been asleep before to-night, and now you have rousted
+me up for good. I wonder what time it is!"</p>
+
+<p>And then he got out of bed again and went and looked at the clock. It
+was half-past one, and he said he "didn't believe we had better go to
+sleep again, for fear we would be too late for the exertion, and he
+wouldn't miss that for nothin'."</p>
+
+<p>"Exertion!" says I, in a awful cold tone. "I should think we had had
+exertion enough for one spell."</p>
+
+<p>But as bad and wore out as Josiah felt bodily, he was all animated in
+his mind about what a good time he was a-goin' to have. He acted
+foolish, and I told him so. I wanted to wear my brown-and-black gingham,
+and a shaker, but Josiah insisted that I should wear a new lawn dress
+that he had brought me home as a present,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span> and I had jest got made up.
+So jest to please him, I put it on, and my best bonnet.</p>
+
+<p>And that man, all I could do and say, would put on a pair of pantaloons
+I had been a-makin' for Thomas Jefferson. They was gettin' up a milatary
+company to Jonesville, and these pantaloons was blue, with a red stripe
+down the sides&mdash;a kind of uniform. Josiah took a awful fancy to 'em, and
+says he:</p>
+
+<p>"I will wear 'em, Samantha; they look so dressy."</p>
+
+<p>Says I: "They hain't hardly done. I was goin' to stitch that red stripe
+on the left leg on again. They ain't finished as they ort to be, and I
+would not wear 'em. It looks vain in you."</p>
+
+<p>Says he: "I will wear 'em, Samantha. I will be dressed up for once."</p>
+
+<p>I didn't contend with him. Thinks I: we are makin' fools of ourselves by
+goin' at all, and if he wants to make a little bigger fool of himself by
+wearin' them blue pantaloons, I won't stand in his light. And then I had
+got some machine oil onto 'em, so I felt that I had got to wash 'em,
+anyway, before Thomas J. took 'em to wear. So he put 'em on.</p>
+
+<p>I had good vittles, and a sight of 'em. The basket wouldn't hold 'em
+all, so Josiah had to put a bottle of red rossberry jell into the pocket
+of his dress-coat, and lots of other little things, such as spoons and
+knives and forks, in his pantaloons and breast pockets. He looked like
+Captain Kidd armed up to the teeth, and I told<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span> him so. But good land!
+he would have carried a knife in his mouth if I had asked him to, he
+felt so neat about goin', and boasted so on what a splendid exertion it
+was goin' to be.</p>
+
+<p>We got to the lake about eight o'clock, for the old mare went slow. We
+was about the first ones there, but they kep' a-comin', and before ten
+o'clock we all got there.</p>
+
+<p>The young folks made up their minds they would stay and eat their dinner
+in a grove on the mainland. But the majority of the old folks thought it
+was best to go and set our tables where we laid out to in the first
+place. Josiah seemed to be the most rampant of any of the company about
+goin'. He said he shouldn't eat a mouthful if he didn't eat it on that
+island. He said what was the use of going to a pleasure exertion at all
+if you didn't try to take all the pleasure you could. So about twenty
+old fools of us sot sail for the island.</p>
+
+<p>I had made up my mind from the first on't to face trouble, so it didn't
+put me out so much when Deacon Dobbins, in gettin' into the boat,
+stepped onto my new lawn dress and tore a hole in it as big as my two
+hands, and ripped it half offen the waist. But Josiah havin' felt so
+animated and tickled about the exertion, it worked him up awfully when,
+jest after we had got well out onto the lake, the wind took his hat off
+and blew it away out onto the lake. He had made up his mind to look so
+pretty that day that it worked him up awfully. And then the sun beat<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span>
+down onto him; and if he had had any hair onto his head it would have
+seemed more shady.</p>
+
+<p>But I did the best I could by him. I stood by him and pinned on his red
+bandanna handkerchief onto his head. But as I was a-fixin' it on, I see
+there was suthin' more than mortification ailded him. The lake was rough
+and the boat rocked, and I see he was beginning to be awful sick. He
+looked deathly. Pretty soon I felt bad, too. Oh! the wretchedness of
+that time. I have enjoyed poor health considerable in my life, but never
+did I enjoy so much sickness in so short a time as I did on that
+pleasure exertion to that island. I s'pose our bein' up all night a'most
+made it worse. When we reached the island we was both weak as cats.</p>
+
+<p>I sot right down on a stun and held my head for a spell, for it did seem
+as if it would split open. After awhile I staggered up onto my feet, and
+finally I got so I could walk straight and sense things a little; though
+it was tejus work to walk anyway, for we had landed on a sand-bar, and
+the sand was so deep it was all we could do to wade through it, and it
+was as hot as hot ashes ever was.</p>
+
+<p>Then I began to take the things out of my dinner-basket. The butter had
+all melted, so we had to dip it out with a spoon. And a lot of water had
+washed over the side of the boat, so my pies and tarts and delicate
+cakes and cookies looked awful mixed up. But no worse than the rest of
+the company's did.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>But we did the best we could, and the chicken and cold meats bein' more
+solid, had held together quite well, so there was some pieces of it
+conside'able hull, though it was all very wet and soppy. But we
+separated 'em out as well as we could, and begun to make preparations to
+eat. We didn't feel so animated about eatin' as we should if we hadn't
+been so sick to our stomachs. But we felt as if we must hurry, for the
+man that owned the boat said he knew it would rain before night by the
+way the sun scalded.</p>
+
+<p>There wasn't a man or a woman there but what the presperation and sweat
+jest poured down their faces. We was a haggard and melancholy lookin'
+set. There was a piece of woods a little ways off, but it was up quite a
+rise of ground, and there wasn't one of us but what had the rheumatiz
+more or less. We made up a fire on the sand, though it seemed as if it
+was hot enough to steep tea and coffee as it was.</p>
+
+<p>After we got the fire started, I histed a umberell and sot down under it
+and fanned myself hard, for I was afraid of a sunstroke.</p>
+
+<p>Wal, I guess I had set there ten minutes or more, when all of a sudden I
+thought, Where is Josiah? I hadn't seen him since we had got there. I
+riz up and asked the company, almost wildly, if they had seen my
+companion, Josiah.</p>
+
+<p>They said, No, they hadn't.</p>
+
+<p>But Celestine Wilkin's little girl, who had come with her grandpa and
+grandma Gowdy, spoke up, and says she:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I seen him goin' off toward the woods. He acted dretful strange, too;
+he seemed to be a walkin' off sideways."</p>
+
+<p>"Had the sufferin's he had undergone made him delerious?" says I to
+myself; and then I started off on the run toward the woods, and old Miss
+Bobbet, and Miss Gowdy, and Sister Bamber, and Deacon Dobbinses' wife
+all rushed after me.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, the agony of them two or three minutes! my mind so distracted with
+fourbodin's, and the presperation and sweat a-pourin' down. But all of a
+sudden, on the edge of the woods, we found him. Miss Gowdy, weighin' a
+little less than me, mebby one hundred pounds or so, had got a little
+ahead of me. He sot backed up against a tree in a awful cramped
+position, with his left leg under him. He looked dretful uncomfortable.
+But when Miss Gowdy hollered out: "Oh, here you be! We have been skairt
+about you. What is the matter?" he smiled a dretful sick smile, and says
+he: "Oh, I thought I would come out here and meditate a spell. It was
+always a real treat to me to meditate."</p>
+
+<p>Just then I come up a-pantin' for breath, and as the wimmen all turned
+to face me, Josiah scowled at me and shook his fist at them four wimmen,
+and made the most mysterious motions of his hands toward 'em. But the
+minute they turned round he smiled in a sickish way, and pretended to go
+to whistlin'.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Says I, "What is the matter, Josiah Allen? What are you off here for?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am a-meditatin', Samantha."</p>
+
+<p>Says I, "Do you come down and jine the company this minute, Josiah
+Allen. You was in a awful takin' to come with 'em, and what will they
+think to see you act so?"</p>
+
+<p>The wimmen happened to be a-lookin' the other way for a minute, and he
+looked at me as if he would take my head off, and made the strangest
+motions toward 'em; but the minute they looked at him he would pretend
+to smile&mdash;that deathly smile.</p>
+
+<p>Says I, "Come, Josiah Allen, we're goin' to get dinner right away, for
+we are afraid it will rain."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, wal," says he, "a little rain, more or less, hain't a-goin' to
+hender a man from meditatin'."</p>
+
+<p>I was wore out, and says I, "Do you stop meditatin' this minute, Josiah
+Allen!"</p>
+
+<p>Says he, "I won't stop, Samantha. I let you have your way a good deal of
+the time; but when I take it into my head to meditate, you hain't
+a-goin' to break it up."</p>
+
+<p>Jest at that minute they called to me from the shore to come that minute
+to find some of my dishes. And we had to start off. But oh! the gloom of
+my mind that was added to the lameness of my body. Them strange motions
+and looks of Josiah wore on me. Had the sufferin's of the night, added
+to the trials of the day, made him crazy? I thought more'n as likely<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span> as
+not I had got a luny on my hands for the rest of my days.</p>
+
+<p>And then, oh, how the sun did scald down onto me, and the wind took the
+smoke so into my face that there wasn't hardly a dry eye in my head. And
+then a perfect swarm of yellow wasps lit down onto our vittles as quick
+as we laid 'em down, so you couldn't touch a thing without runnin' a
+chance to be stung. Oh, the agony of that time! the distress of that
+pleasure exertion! But I kep' to work, and when we had got dinner most
+ready I went back to call Josiah again. Old Miss Bobbet said she would
+go with me, for she thought she see a wild turnip in the woods there,
+and her Shakespeare had a awful cold, and she would try to dig one to
+give him. So we started up the hill again. He sot in the same position,
+all huddled up, with his leg under him, as uncomfortable a lookin'
+creeter as I ever see. But when we both stood in front of him, he
+pretended to look careless and happy, and smiled that sick smile.</p>
+
+<p>Says I, "Come, Josiah Allen; dinner is ready."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I hain't hungry," says he. "The table will probable be full. I had
+jest as lieves wait."</p>
+
+<p>"Table full!" says I. "You know jest as well as I do that we are eatin'
+on the ground. Do you come and eat your dinner this minute."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, do come," says Miss Bobbet; "we can't get along without you!"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh!" says he, with a ghastly smile, pretend<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span>ing to joke, "I have got
+plenty to eat here&mdash;I can eat muskeeters."</p>
+
+<p>The air was black with 'em, I couldn't deny it.</p>
+
+<p>"The muskeeters will eat you, more likely," says I. "Look at your face
+and hands; they are all covered with 'em."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, they have eat considerable of a dinner out of me, but I don't
+begrech 'em. I hain't small enough, nor mean enough, I hope, to begrech
+'em one good meal."</p>
+
+<p>Miss Bobbet started off in search of her wild turnip, and after she had
+got out of sight Josiah whispered to me with a savage look and a tone
+sharp as a sharp ax:</p>
+
+<p>"Can't you bring forty or fifty more wimmen up here? You couldn't come
+here a minute, could you, without a lot of other wimmen tight to your
+heels?"</p>
+
+<p>I begun to see daylight, and after Miss Bobbet had got her wild turnip
+and some spignut, I made some excuse to send her on ahead, and then
+Josiah told me all about why he had gone off by himself alone, and why
+he had been a-settin' in such a curious position all the time since we
+had come in sight of him.</p>
+
+<p>It seems he had set down on that bottle of rossberry jell. That red
+stripe on the side wasn't hardly finished, as I said, and I hadn't
+fastened my thread properly, so when he got to pullin' at 'em to try to
+wipe off the jell, the thread started, and bein' sewed on a machine,
+that seam jest ripped from top to bottom. That was what he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span> had walked
+off sideways toward the woods for. But Josiah Allen's wife hain't one to
+desert a companion in distress. I pinned 'em up as well as I could, and
+I didn't say a word to hurt his feelin's, only I jest said this to him,
+as I was fixin' 'em&mdash;I fastened my gray eye firmly, and almost sternly
+onto him, and says I:</p>
+
+<p>"Josiah Allen, is this pleasure?" Says I, "You was determined to come."</p>
+
+<p>"Throw that in my face agin, will you? What if I was? There goes a pin
+into my leg! I should think I had suffered enough without your stabbin'
+of me with pins."</p>
+
+<p>"Wal, then, stand still, and not be a-caperin' round so. How do you
+s'pose I can do anything with you a-tossin' round so?"</p>
+
+<p>"Wal, don't be so aggravatin', then."</p>
+
+<p>I fixed 'em as well as I could, but they looked pretty bad, and there
+they was all covered with jell, too. What to do I didn't know. But
+finally I told him I would put my shawl onto him. So I doubled it up
+corner-ways as big as I could, so it almost touched the ground behind,
+and he walked back to the table with me. I told him it was best to tell
+the company all about it, but he just put his foot down that he
+wouldn't, and I told him if he wouldn't that he must make his own
+excuses to the company about wearin' the shawl. So he told 'em he always
+loved to wear summer shawls; he thought it made a man look so dressy.</p>
+
+<p>But he looked as if he would sink all the time<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span> he was a-sayin' it. They
+all looked dretful curious at him, and he looked as meachin' as if he
+had stole sheep&mdash;and meachin'er&mdash;and he never took a minute's comfort,
+nor I nuther. He was sick all the way back to the shore, and so was I.
+And jest as we got into our wagons and started for home, the rain began
+to pour down. The wind turned our old umberell inside out in no time. My
+lawn dress was most spilte before, and now I give up my bonnet. And I
+says to Josiah:</p>
+
+<p>"This bonnet and dress are spilte, Josiah Allen, and I shall have to buy
+some new ones."</p>
+
+<p>"Wal, wal! who said you wouldn't?" he snapped out.</p>
+
+<p>But it were on him. Oh, how the rain poured down! Josiah, havin' nothin'
+but a handkerchief on his head, felt it more than I did. I had took a
+apron to put on a-gettin' dinner, and I tried to make him let me pin it
+on his head. But says he, firmly:</p>
+
+<p>"I hain't proud and haughty, Samantha, but I do feel above ridin' out
+with a pink apron on for a hat."</p>
+
+<p>"Wal, then," says I, "get as wet as sop, if you had ruther."</p>
+
+<p>I didn't say no more, but there we jest sot and suffered. The rain
+poured down; the wind howled at us; the old mare went slow; the
+rheumatiz laid holt of both of us; and the thought of the new bonnet and
+dress was a-wearin' on Josiah, I knew.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>There wasn't a house for the first seven miles, and after we got there I
+thought we wouldn't go in, for we had got to get home to milk anyway,
+and we was both as wet as we could be. After I had beset him about the
+apron, we didn't say hardly a word for as much as thirteen miles or so;
+but I did speak once, as he leaned forward, with the rain drippin' offen
+his bandanna handkerchief onto his blue pantaloons. I says to him in
+stern tones:</p>
+
+<p>"Is this pleasure, Josiah Allen?"</p>
+
+<p>He give the old mare a awful cut and says he: "I'd like to know what you
+want to be so aggravatin' for?"</p>
+
+<p>I didn't multiply any more words with him, only as we drove up to our
+doorstep, and he helped me out into a mud-puddle, I says to him:</p>
+
+<p>"Mebbe you'll hear to me another time, Josiah Allen."</p>
+
+<p>And I'll bet he will. I hain't afraid to bet a ten-cent bill that that
+man won't never open his mouth to me again about a pleasure exertion.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>A simple-hearted and truly devout country preacher, who had tasted but
+few of the drinks of the world, took dinner with a high-toned family,
+where a glass of milk punch was quietly set down by each plate. In
+silence and happiness this new Vicar of Wakefield quaffed his goblet,
+and then added, "Madam, you should daily thank God for such a good
+cow."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="EDMUND_CLARENCE_STEDMAN" id="EDMUND_CLARENCE_STEDMAN"></a>EDMUND CLARENCE STEDMAN</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="THE_DIAMOND_WEDDING" id="THE_DIAMOND_WEDDING"></a>THE DIAMOND WEDDING</h3>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">O Love! Love! Love! What times were those,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Long ere the age of belles and beaux,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And Brussels lace and silken hose,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When, in the green Arcadian close,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You married Psyche under the rose,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With only the grass for bedding!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Heart to heart, and hand to hand,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You followed Nature's sweet command,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Roaming lovingly through the land,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nor sighed for a Diamond Wedding.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">So have we read in classic Ovid,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">How Hero watched for her belov&egrave;d,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Impassioned youth, Leander.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She was the fairest of the fair,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And wrapt him round with her golden hair,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Whenever he landed cold and bare,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With nothing to eat and nothing to wear,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And wetter than any gander;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For Love was Love, and better than money;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The slyer the theft, the sweeter the honey;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And kissing was clover, all the world over,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Wherever Cupid might wander.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">So thousands of years have come and gone,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And still the moon is shining on,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Still Hymen's torch is lighted;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And hitherto, in this land of the West,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Most couples in love have thought it best<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To follow the ancient way of the rest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And quietly get united.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But now, True Love, you're growing old&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Bought and sold, with silver and gold,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Like a house, or a horse and carriage!<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Midnight talks,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Moonlight walks,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The glance of the eye and sweetheart sigh,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The shadowy haunts, with no one by,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I do not wish to disparage;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">But every kiss<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Has a price for its bliss,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In the modern code of marriage;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And the compact sweet<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Is not complete<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Till the high contracting parties meet<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Before the altar of Mammon;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the bride must be led to a silver bower,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Where pearls and rubies fall in a shower<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That would frighten Jupiter Ammon!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">I need not tell<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">How it befell,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(Since Jenkins has told the story<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Over and over and over again,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In a style I cannot hope to attain,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And covered himself with glory!)<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">How it befell, one summer's day,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The king of the Cubans strolled this way&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">King January's his name, they say&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And fell in love with the Princess May,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The reigning belle of Manhattan;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nor how he began to smirk and sue,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And dress as lovers who come to woo,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or as Max Maretzek and Jullien do,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When they sit full-bloomed in the ladies' view,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And flourish the wondrous baton.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He wasn't one of your Polish nobles,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Whose presence their country somehow troubles,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And so our cities receive them;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nor one of your make-believe Spanish grandees,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who ply our daughters with lies and candies,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Until the poor girls believe them.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No, he was no such charlatan&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Count de Hoboken Flash-in-the-pan,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Full of gasconade and bravado&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But a regular, rich Don Rataplan,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Santa Claus de la Muscovado,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Se&ntilde;or Grandissimo Bastinado.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His was the rental of half Havana<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And all Matanzas; and Santa Anna,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Rich as he was, could hardly hold<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A candle to light the mines of gold<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Our Cuban owned, choke-full of diggers;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And broad plantations, that, in round figures,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Were stocked with at least five thousand niggers!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Se&ntilde;or swore to carry the day,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To capture the beautiful Princess May,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With his battery of treasure;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Velvet and lace she should not lack;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Tiffany, Haughwout, Ball &amp; Black,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Genin and Stewart his suit should back,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And come and go at her pleasure;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Jet and lava&mdash;silver and gold&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Garnets&mdash;emeralds rare to behold&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Diamonds&mdash;sapphires&mdash;wealth untold&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">All were hers, to have and to hold:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Enough to fill a peck measure!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He didn't bring all his forces on<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At once, but like a crafty old Don,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who many a heart had fought and won,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Kept bidding a little higher;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And every time he made his bid,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And what she said, and all they did&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">'Twas written down,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">For the good of the town,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By Jeems, of <i>The Daily Flyer</i>.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">A coach and horses, you'd think, would buy<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For the Don an easy victory;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But slowly our Princess yielded.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A diamond necklace caught her eye,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But a wreath of pearls first made her sigh.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She knew the worth of each maiden glance,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And, like young colts, that curvet and prance,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She led the Don a deuce of a dance,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In spite of the wealth he wielded.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">She stood such a fire of silks and laces,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Jewels and gold dressing-cases,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And ruby brooches, and jets and pearls,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That every one of her dainty curls<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Brought the price of a hundred common girls;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Folks thought the lass demented!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But at last a wonderful diamond ring,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An infant Kohinoor, did the thing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And, sighing with love, or something the same,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">(What's in a name?)<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Princess May consented.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Ring! ring the bells, and bring<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The people to see the marrying!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Let the gaunt and hungry and ragged poor<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Throng round the great cathedral door,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To wonder what all the hubbub's for,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And sometimes stupidly wonder<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At so much sunshine and brightness which<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Fall from the church upon the rich,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While the poor get all the thunder.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Ring, ring! merry bells, ring!<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">O fortunate few,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">With letters blue,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Good for a seat and a nearer view!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Fortunate few, whom I dare not name;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Dilettanti! Cr&ecirc;me de la cr&ecirc;me!</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We commoners stood by the street fa&ccedil;ade,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And caught a glimpse of the cavalcade.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">We saw the bride<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">In diamond pride,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With jeweled maidens to guard her side&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Six lustrous maidens in tarletan.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She led the van of the caravan;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Close behind her, her mother<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(Dressed in gorgeous <i>moire antique</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That told as plainly as words could speak,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She was more antique than the other)<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Leaned on the arm of Don Rataplan<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Santa Claus de la Muscovado<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Se&ntilde;or Grandissimo Bastinado.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Happy mortal! fortunate man!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And Marquis of El Dorado!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">In they swept, all riches and grace,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Silks and satins, jewels and lace;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In they swept from the dazzled sun,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And soon in the church the deed was done.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Three prelates stood on the chancel high:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A knot that gold and silver can buy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Gold and silver may yet untie,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Unless it is tightly fastened;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">What's worth doing at all's worth doing well,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the sale of a young Manhattan belle<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is not to be pushed or hastened;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So two Very-Reverends graced the scene,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the tall Archbishop stood between,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By prayer and fasting chastened.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Pope himself would have come from Rome,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But Garibaldi kept him at home.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Haply these robed prelates thought<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Their words were the power that tied the knot;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But another power that love-knot tied,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And I saw the chain round the neck of the bride&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A glistening, priceless, marvelous chain,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Coiled with diamonds again and again,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As befits a diamond wedding;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Yet still 'twas a chain, and I thought she knew it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And halfway longed for the will to undo it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By the secret tears she was shedding.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But isn't it odd to think, whenever<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We all go through that terrible River&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Whose sluggish tide alone can sever<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(The Archbishop says) the Church decree,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By floating one in to Eternity<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And leaving the other alive as ever&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As each wades through that ghastly stream,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The satins that rustle and gems that gleam,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Will grow pale and heavy, and sink away<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To the noisome River's bottom-clay!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then the costly bride and her maidens six<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Will shiver upon the bank of the Styx,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Quite as helpless as they were born&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Naked souls, and very forlorn;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Princess, then, must shift for herself,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And lay her royalty on the shelf;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She, and the beautiful Empress, yonder,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Whose robes are now the wide world's wonder,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And even ourselves, and our dear little wives,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who calico wear each morn of their lives,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the sewing-girls, and <i>les chiffonniers</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In rags and hunger&mdash;a gaunt array&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And all the grooms of the caravan&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ay, even the great Don Rataplan<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Santa Claus de la Muscovado<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Se&ntilde;or Grandissimo Bastinado&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That gold-encrusted, fortunate man&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">All will land in naked equality:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The lord of a ribboned principality<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Will mourn the loss of his <i>cordon</i>;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nothing to eat and nothing to wear<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Will certainly be the fashion there!><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ten to one, and I'll go it alone;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Those most used to a rag and bone,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Though here on earth they labor and groan,><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Will stand it best, as they wade abreast<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To the other side of Jordan.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>When Grant's army crossed the Rappahannock Lee's veterans felt sure of
+sending it back as "tattered and torn" as ever it had been under the new
+general's numerous predecessors. After the crossing, the first prisoners
+caught by Mosby were asked many questions by curious Confederates.</p>
+
+<p>"What has become of your pontoon train?" said one such inquirer.</p>
+
+<p>"We haven't got any," answered the prisoner.</p>
+
+<p>"How do you expect to get over the river when you go back?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," said the Yankee, "we are not going back. Grant says that all the
+men he sends back can cross on a log."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="WHAT_MR_ROBINSON_THINKS" id="WHAT_MR_ROBINSON_THINKS"></a>WHAT MR. ROBINSON THINKS</h3>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Guvener B. is a sensible man;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He stays to his home an' looks arter his folks;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He draws his furrer ez straight ez he can,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' into nobody's tater-patch pokes;<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">But John P.<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">Robinson he<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sez he wun't vote fer Guvener B.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">My! ain't it terrible? Wut shall we du?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We can't never choose him o' course&mdash;thet's flat;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Guess we shall hev to come round (don't you?)<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' go in fer thunder an' guns, an' all that;<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">Fer John P.<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">Robinson he<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sez he wun't vote for Guvener B.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Gineral C. is a dreffle smart man:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He's ben on all sides thet give places or pelf;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But consistency still wuz a part of his plan&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He's ben true to <i>one</i> party&mdash;an' thet is himself;<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">So John P.<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">Robinson he<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sez he shall vote for Gineral C.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Gineral C. he goes in fer the war;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He don't vally principle more'n an old cud;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Wut did God make us raytional creeturs fer,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But glory an' gunpowder, plunder an' blood?<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">So John P.<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">Robinson he<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sez he shall vote fer Gineral C.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">We were gittin' on nicely up here to our village,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With good old idees o' wut's right an' wut ain't,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an pillage,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' thet eppyletts worn't the best mark of a saint;<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">But John P.<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">Robinson he<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sez this kind o' thing's an exploded idee.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The side of our country must ollers be took,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' President Polk, you know, <i>he</i> is our country.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' the angel thet writes all our sins in a book<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Puts the <i>debit</i> to him, an' to us the <i>per contry;</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i10">An' John P.<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">Robinson he<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sez this is his view o' the things to a T.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Parson Wilbur he calls all these argimunts lies;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sez they're nothin' on airth but jest <i>fee, faw, fum</i>:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' thet all this big talk of our destinies<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is half on it ign'ance an' t'other half rum;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But John P.<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">Robinson he<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sez it ain't no sech thing; an', of course, so must we.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Parson Wilbur sez <i>he</i> never heerd in his life<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Thet th' Apostles rigged out in their swaller-tail coats,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' marched round in front of a drum an' a fife,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To git some on 'em office, and some on 'em votes;<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">But John P.<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">Robinson he<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sez they didn't know everythin' down in Judee.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Wal, it's a marcy we've gut folks to tell us<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The rights an' the wrongs o' these matters, I vow&mdash;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">God sends country lawyers, an' other wise fellers,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To start the world's team w'en it gits in a slough;<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">Fer John P.<br /></span>
+<span class="i10">Robinson he<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sez the world'll go right, ef he hollers out Gee!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p><i>Old Gentleman</i> (to driver of street-car): "My friend, what do you do
+with your wages every week&mdash;put part of it in the savings bank?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Driver:</i> "No, sir. After payin' the butcher an' grocer an' rent, I pack
+away what's left in barrels. I'm 'fraid of them savin's banks."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="MUSIC_BY_THE_CHOIR" id="MUSIC_BY_THE_CHOIR"></a>MUSIC BY THE CHOIR</h3>
+
+
+<p>After the church organist had played a voluntary, introducing airs from
+"1492" and "The Black Crook"&mdash;which, of course, were not recognized by
+the congregation&mdash;the choir arose for its first anthem of the morning.</p>
+
+<p>The choir was made up of two parts, a quartette and a chorus. The former
+occupied seats in the front row&mdash;because the members were paid. The
+chorus was grouped about, and made a somewhat striking as well as
+startling picture. There were some who could sing; some who thought they
+could; and there were others.</p>
+
+<p>The leader of this aggregation was the tenor of the quartette. He was
+tall, but his neck was responsible for considerable of his extreme
+height. Because he was paid to lead that choir he gave the impression to
+those who saw him that he was cutting some ice. A greater part of his
+contortions were lost because the audience did not face the choir.</p>
+
+<p>The organist struck a few chords, and without any preliminary
+wood-sawing the choir squared itself for action. Of course, there were a
+few who did not find the place till after rising&mdash;this is so in all
+choirs&mdash;but finally all appeared to be ready. The leader let out another
+link in his neck, and while his head was taking a motion similar to a
+hen's when walking, the choir broke loose. This is what it sang:</p>
+
+<p>"Abide-e-e&mdash;bide&mdash;ab&mdash;abide&mdash;with abide<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span>
+with&mdash;bide&mdash;a-a-a-a-bide&mdash;me&mdash;with me-e-e&mdash;abide with&mdash;with
+me&mdash;fast&mdash;f-a-a-s-t falls&mdash;abide fast the even&mdash;fast fa-a-a-lls
+the&mdash;abide with me&mdash;eventide&mdash;falls the e-e-eventide&mdash;fast&mdash;the&mdash;the
+dark&mdash;the darkness abide&mdash;the darkness deepens&mdash;Lor-r-d with
+me-e-e&mdash;Lord with me&mdash;deepens&mdash;Lord&mdash;Lord&mdash;darkness deepens&mdash;wi-i-th
+me&mdash;Lord with me&mdash;me a-a-a-a-abide."</p>
+
+<p>That was the first verse.</p>
+
+<p>There were three others.</p>
+
+<p>Every one is familiar with the hymn, hence it is not necessary to line
+the verses.</p>
+
+<p>During the performance, some who had not attended the choir rehearsal
+the Thursday evening previous were a little slow in spots. During the
+passage of these spots some would move their lips and not utter a sound,
+while others&mdash;particularly the ladies&mdash;found it convenient to feel of
+their back hair or straighten their hats. Each one who did this had a
+look as if she could honestly say, "I could sing that if I saw fit"&mdash;and
+the choir sang on.</p>
+
+<p>But when there came a note, a measure or a bar with which all were
+familiar, what a grand volume of music burst forth. It didn't happen
+this way many times, because the paid singers were supposed to do the
+greater part of the work. And the others were willing.</p>
+
+<p>At one point, after a breathing spell&mdash;or a rest, as musicians say&mdash;the
+tenor started alone. He didn't mean to. But by this break the deacons
+discovered that he was in the game and earning<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> his salary. The others
+caught him at the first quarter, however, and away they went again, neck
+and neck. Before they finished, several had changed places. Sometimes
+"Abide" was ahead, and sometimes "Lord," but on the whole it was a
+pretty even thing.</p>
+
+<p>Then the minister&mdash;he drew a salary, also&mdash;read something out of the
+Bible, after which&mdash;as they say in the newspapers&mdash;"there was another
+well-rendered selection by the choir."</p>
+
+<p>This spasm was a tenor solo with chorus accompaniment. This was when he
+of the long neck got in his deadly work. The audience faced the choir
+and the salaried soloist was happy.</p>
+
+<p>When the huddling had ceased, the soloist stepped a trifle to the front
+and, with the confidence born of a man who stands pat on four aces, gave
+a majestic sweep of his head toward the organist. He said nothing, but
+the movement implied, "Let 'er go, Gallagher."</p>
+
+<p>Gallagher was on deck and after getting his patent leather shoes well
+braced on the sub-bass pedals, he knotted together a few chords, and the
+soloist was off. His selection was&mdash;that is, <i>verbatim</i>,</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Ge-yide me, ge-yide me, ge-yide me, O-,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Thor-or gra-ut Jaw-aw-hars-vah,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Pi-il-grum thraw-aw this baw-aw-raw-en larnd."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>And he sang other things.</p>
+
+<p>He was away up in G. He diminuendoed, struck a cantable movement, slid
+up over a crescendo, tackled a second ending by mistake<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span>&mdash;but it
+went&mdash;caught his second wind on a moderato, signified his desire for a
+raise in salary on a trill, did some brilliant work on a maestoso,
+reached high C with ease, went down into the bass clef and climbed out
+again, quavered and held, did sixteen notes by the handful&mdash;payable on
+demand&mdash;waltzed along a minor passage, gracefully turned the dal segno,
+skipped a chromatic run, did the con expressione act worthy of a De
+Reszke, poured forth volumes on a measure bold, broke the centre of an
+andante passage for three yards, retarded to beat the band, came near
+getting applause on a cadenza, took a six-barred triplet without turning
+a hair&mdash;then sat down.</p>
+
+<p>Between whiles the chorus had been singing something else. The notes
+bumped against the oiled natural-wood rafters&mdash;it was a modern
+church&mdash;ricochetted over the memorial windows, clung lovingly to the new
+$200 chandelier, floated along the ridgepole, patted the bald-headed
+deacons fondly, and finally died away in a bunch of contribution boxes
+in the corner.</p>
+
+<p>Then the minister preached.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>A Chicago man who has recently returned from Europe was asked by a
+friend what he thought of Rome.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," he replied, "Rome is a fair-sized town, but I couldn't help but
+think when I was there that she had seen her best days."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="MARK_TWAIN" id="MARK_TWAIN"></a>MARK TWAIN</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="THE_NOTORIOUS_JUMPING_FROG_OF_CALAVERAS_COUNTY" id="THE_NOTORIOUS_JUMPING_FROG_OF_CALAVERAS_COUNTY"></a>THE NOTORIOUS JUMPING FROG OF CALAVERAS COUNTY<a name="FNanchor_B_2" id="FNanchor_B_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_B_2" class="fnanchor">[B]</a></h3>
+
+
+<p>In compliance with the request of a friend of mine, who wrote me from
+the East, I called on good-natured, garrulous old Simon Wheeler, and
+inquired after my friend's friend, Leonidas W. Smiley, as requested to
+do, and I hereunto append the result. I have a lurking suspicion that
+Leonidas W. Smiley is a myth; that my friend never knew such a
+personage; and that he only conjectured that if I asked old Wheeler
+about him, it would remind him of his infamous Jim Smiley, and he would
+go to work and bore me to death with some exasperating reminiscence of
+him as long and as tedious as it should be useless to me. If that was
+the design, it succeeded.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>I found Simon Wheeler dozing comfortably by the barroom stove of the
+dilapidated tavern in the decayed mining camp of Angel's, and I noticed
+that he was fat and bald-headed, and had an expression of winning
+gentleness and simplicity upon his tranquil countenance. He roused up,
+and gave me good day. I told him a friend of mine had commissioned me to
+make some inquiries about a cherished companion<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> of his boyhood named
+<i>Leonidas W</i>. Smiley&mdash;<i>Reverend Leonidas W.</i> Smiley, a young minister of
+the Gospel, who he had heard was at one time a resident of Angel's Camp.
+I added that if Mr. Wheeler could tell me anything about this Reverend
+Leonidas W. Smiley I would feel under many obligations to him.</p>
+
+<p>Simon Wheeler backed me into a corner and blockaded me there with his
+chair, and then sat down and reeled off the monotonous narrative which
+follows this paragraph. He never smiled, he never frowned, he never
+changed his voice from the gentle-flowing key to which he tuned his
+initial sentence, he never betrayed the slightest suspicion of
+enthusiasm; but all through the interminable narrative there ran a vein
+of impressive earnestness and sincerity which showed me plainly that, so
+far from his imagining that there was anything ridiculous or funny about
+his story, he regarded it as a really important matter, and admired its
+two heroes as men of transcendent genius in <i>finesse</i>. I let him go on
+in his own way, and never interrupted him once.</p>
+
+<p>Reverend Leonidas W. H'm, Reverend Le&mdash;well, there was a feller here
+once by the name of <i>Jim</i> Smiley, in the winter of '49&mdash;or maybe it was
+the spring of '50&mdash;I don't recollect exactly, somehow, though what makes
+me think it was one or the other is because I remember the big flume
+warn't finished when he first come to the camp; but anyway, he was the
+curiosest man about always betting on anything<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span> that turned up you ever
+see, if he could get anybody to bet on the other side; and if he
+couldn't he'd change sides. Any way that suited the other man would suit
+<i>him</i>&mdash;any way just so's he got a bet, <i>he</i> was satisfied. But still he
+was lucky, uncommon lucky; he most always come out winner. He was always
+ready and laying for a chance; there couldn't be no solit'ry thing
+mentioned but that feller'd offer to bet on it, and take ary side you
+please, as I was just telling you. If there was a horse-race, you'd find
+him flush or you'd find him busted at the end of it; if there was a
+dog-fight, he'd bet on it; if there was a cat-fight, he'd bet on it; if
+there was a chicken-fight, he'd bet on it; why, if there was two birds
+setting on a fence, he would bet you which one would fly first; or if
+there was a camp-meeting he would be there reg'lar to bet on Parson
+Walker, which he judged to be the best exhorter about here, and so he
+was too, and a good man. If he even see a straddle-bug start to go
+anywhere, he would bet how long it would take him to get to&mdash;to wherever
+he was going to, and if you took him up, he would foller that
+straddle-bug to Mexico but what he would find out where he was bound for
+and how long he was on the road. Lots of the boys here has seen that
+Smiley and can tell you about him. Why, it never made no difference to
+<i>him</i>&mdash;he'd bet on <i>any</i>thing&mdash;the dangdest feller. Parson Walker's wife
+laid very sick once, for a good while, and it seemed as if they warn't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span>
+going to save her; but one morning he come in, and Smiley up and asked
+him how she was, and he said she was considable better&mdash;thank the Lord
+for His inf'nite mercy&mdash;and coming on so smart that with the blessing of
+Prov'dence she'd get well yet; and Smiley, before he thought, says,
+"Well, I'll resk two-and-a-half she don't anyway."</p>
+
+<p>Thish-yer Smiley had a mare&mdash;the boys called her the fifteen-minute nag,
+but that was only in fun, you know, because of course she was faster
+than that&mdash;and he used to win money on that horse, for all she was slow
+and always had the asthma, or the distemper, or the consumption, or
+something of that kind. They used to give her two or three hundred yards
+start, and then pass her under way; but always at the fag end of the
+race she'd get excited and desperate like, and come cavorting and
+straddling up, and scattering her legs around limber, sometimes in the
+air and sometimes out to one side among the fences, and kicking up
+m-o-r-e dust and raising m-o-r-e racket with her coughing and sneezing
+and blowing her nose&mdash;and <i>always</i> fetch up at the stand just about a
+neck ahead, as near as you could cipher it down.</p>
+
+<p>And he had a little small bull-pup, that to look at him you'd think he
+warn't worth a cent but to set around and look ornery and lay for a
+chance to steal something. But as soon as money was up on him he was a
+different dog; his under-jaw'd begin to stick out like the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span> fo'castle of
+a steamboat, and his teeth would uncover and shine like the furnaces.
+And a dog might tackle him and bully-rag him, and bite him, and throw
+him over his shoulder two or three times, and Andrew Jackson&mdash;which was
+the name of the pup&mdash;Andrew Jackson would never let on but what <i>he</i> was
+satisfied, and hadn't expected nothing else&mdash;and the bets being doubled
+and doubled on the other side all the time, till the money was all up;
+and then all of a sudden he would grab that other dog just by the j'int
+of his hind leg and freeze to it&mdash;not chaw, you understand, but only
+just grip and hang on till they throwed up the sponge, if it was a year.
+Smiley always come out winner on that pup, till he harnessed a dog once
+that didn't have no hind legs, because they'd been sawed off in a
+circular saw, and when the thing had gone along far enough, and the
+money was all up, and he come to make a snatch for his pet holt, he see
+in a minute how he'd been imposed on, and how the other dog had him in
+the door, so to speak, and he 'peared surprised, and then he looked
+sorter discouraged-like, and didn't try no more to win the fight, and so
+he got shucked out bad. He give Smiley a look, as much as to say his
+heart was broke, and it was <i>his</i> fault, for putting up a dog that
+hadn't no hind legs for him to take holt of, which was his main
+dependence in a fight, and then he limped off a piece and laid down and
+died. It was a good pup, was that Andrew Jackson, and would have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span> made a
+name for hisself if he'd lived, for the stuff was in him and he had
+genius&mdash;I know it, because he hadn't no opportunities to speak of, and
+it don't stand to reason that a dog could make such a fight as he could
+under them circumstances if he hadn't no talent. It always makes me feel
+sorry when I think of that last fight of his'n, and the way it turned
+out.</p>
+
+<p>Well, thish-yer Smiley had rat-tarriers, and chicken cocks, and
+tom-cats, and all them kind of things till you couldn't rest, and you
+couldn't fetch nothing for him to bet on but he'd match you. He ketched
+a frog one day, and took him home, and said he cal'lated to educate him;
+and so he never done nothing for three months but set in his back yard
+and learn that frog to jump. And you bet you he <i>did</i> learn him, too.
+He'd give him a little punch behind, and the next minute you'd see that
+frog whirling in the air like a doughnut&mdash;see him turn one summerset, or
+maybe a couple, if he got a good start, and come down flat-footed and
+all right, like a cat. He got him up so in the matter of ketching flies,
+and kep' him in practice so constant, that he'd nail a fly every time as
+fur as he could see him. Smiley said all a frog wanted was education and
+he could do 'most anything&mdash;and I believe him. Why, I've seen him set
+Dan'l Webster down here on this floor&mdash;Dan'l Webster was the name of the
+frog&mdash;and sing out, "Flies, Dan'l, flies!" and quicker'n you could wink
+he'd spring straight up and snake a fly off'n the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span> counter there, and
+flop down on the floor ag'in as solid as a gob of mud, and fall to
+scratching the side of his head with his hind foot as indifferent as if
+he hadn't no idea he'd been doin' any more'n any frog might do. You
+never see a frog so modest and straightfor'ard as he was, for all he was
+so gifted. And when it come to fair and square jumping on a dead level,
+he could get over more ground at one straddle than any animal of his
+breed you ever see. Jumping on a dead level was his strong suit, you
+understand; and when it come to that, Smiley would ante up money on him
+as long as he had a red. Smiley was monstrous proud of his frog, and
+well he might be, for fellers that had traveled and been everywheres all
+said he laid over any frog that ever <i>they</i> see.</p>
+
+<p>Well, Smiley kep' the beast in a little lattice box, and he used to
+fetch him downtown sometimes and lay for a bet. One day a feller&mdash;a
+stranger in the camp, he was&mdash;come acrost him with his box, and says:</p>
+
+<p>"What might it be that you've got in the box?"</p>
+
+<p>And Smiley says, sorter indifferent-like, "It might be a parrot, or it
+might be a canary, maybe, but it ain't&mdash;it's only just a frog."</p>
+
+<p>And the feller took it, and looked at it careful, and turned it round
+this way and that, and says, "H'm&mdash;so 'tis. Well, what's <i>he</i> good for?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," Smiley says, easy and careless, "he's good enough for <i>one</i>
+thing, I should judge&mdash;he can outjump any frog in Calaveras County."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The feller took the box again, and took another long, particular look,
+and give it back to Smiley, and says, very deliberate, "Well," he says,
+"I don't see no p'ints about that frog that's any better'n any other
+frog."</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe you don't," Smiley says. "Maybe you understand frogs and maybe
+you don't understand 'em; maybe you've had experience, and maybe you
+ain't only a amature, as it were. Anyways, I've got <i>my</i> opinion, and
+I'll resk forty dollars that he can outjump any frog in Calaveras
+County."</p>
+
+<p>And the feller studied a minute, and then says, kinder sad like, "Well,
+I'm only a stranger here, and I ain't got no frog; but if I had a frog
+I'd bet you."</p>
+
+<p>And then Smiley says, "That's all right&mdash;that's all right&mdash;if you'll
+hold my box a minute I'll go and get you a frog." And so the feller took
+the box, and put up his forty dollars along with Smiley's, and set down
+to wait.</p>
+
+<p>So he set there a good while thinking and thinking to himself, and then
+he got the frog out and prized his mouth open and took a teaspoon and
+filled him full of quail shot&mdash;filled him pretty near up to his
+chin&mdash;and set him on the floor. Smiley he went to the swamp and slopped
+around in the mud for a long time, and finally he ketched a frog, and
+fetched him in, and give him to this feller, and says:</p>
+
+<p>"Now, if you're ready, set him alongside of Dan'l with his forepaws just
+even with Dan'l's,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span> and I'll give the word." Then he says,
+"One&mdash;two&mdash;three&mdash;<i>git!</i>" and him and the feller touched up the frogs
+from behind, and the new frog hopped off lively, but Dan'l give a heave,
+and hysted up his shoulders&mdash;so&mdash;like a Frenchman, but it warn't no
+use&mdash;he couldn't budge; he was planted as solid as a church, and he
+couldn't no more stir than if he was anchored out. Smiley was a good
+deal surprised, and he was disgusted too, but he didn't have no idea
+what the matter was, of course.</p>
+
+<p>The feller took the money and started away; and when he was going out at
+the door, he sorter jerked his thumb over his shoulder&mdash;so&mdash;at Dan'l,
+and says again, very deliberate, "Well," he says, "<i>I</i> don't see no
+p'ints about that frog that's any better'n any other frog."</p>
+
+<p>Smiley he stood scratching his head and looking down at Dan'l a long
+time, and at last he says, "I do wonder what in the nation that frog
+throw'd off for&mdash;I wonder if there ain't something the matter with
+him&mdash;he 'pears to look mighty baggy, somehow." And he ketched Dan'l by
+the nap of the neck, and hefted him, and says, "Why, blame my cats if he
+don't weigh five pound!" and turned him upside down and he belched out a
+double handful of shot. And then he see how it was, and he was the
+maddest man&mdash;he set the frog down and took out after that feller, but he
+never ketched him. And&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>[Here Simon Wheeler heard his name called<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span> from the front yard, and got
+up to see what was wanted.] And turning to me as he moved away, he said:
+"Just set where you are, stranger, and rest easy&mdash;I ain't going to be
+gone a second."</p>
+
+<p>But, by your leave, I did not think that a continuation of the history
+of the enterprising vagabond <i>Jim</i> Smiley would be likely to afford me
+much information concerning the Reverend <i>Leonidas W.</i> Smiley, and so I
+started away.</p>
+
+<p>At the door I met the sociable Wheeler returning, and he buttonholed me
+and recommenced:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, thish-yer Smiley had a yaller, one-eyed cow that didn't have no
+tail, only just a short stump like a bannanner, and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>However, lacking both time and inclination, I did not wait to hear about
+the afflicted cow, but took my leave.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<h3><br />FOOTNOTES</h3>
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1"><span class="label">[A]</span></a> it wuz "tumblebug" as he Writ it, but the parson put the
+Latten instid. i said tother maid better meeter, but he said tha was
+eddykated peepl to Boston and tha wouldn't stan' it no how, idnow as tha
+<i>wood</i> and idnow <i>as</i> tha wood.&mdash;H. B.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_B_2" id="Footnote_B_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_B_2"><span class="label">[B]</span></a> By permission of the American Publishing Company.</p></div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Little Masterpieces of American Wit
+and Humor, by Various
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+Project Gutenberg's Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor
+       Volume I
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Thomas L. Masson
+
+Release Date: April 21, 2007 [EBook #21196]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMERICAN WIT AND HUMOR ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Bryan Ness, Janet Blenkinship and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  Little Masterpieces of
+  American Wit and Humor
+
+
+  Edited by Thomas L. Masson
+
+
+  [Illustration: Oliver Wendell Holmes]
+
+
+  VOLUME I
+
+  _By_
+
+  Washington Irving   Oliver Wendell Holmes
+  Benjamin Franklin   "Josh Billings"
+  "Mark Twain"        Charles Dudley Warner
+  James T. Fields     Henry Ward Beecher
+               and others
+
+
+  NEW YORK
+  DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY
+  1903
+
+  Copyright, 1903, by
+  DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY
+  Published, October, 1903
+
+
+[Illustration: Handwritten introduction:
+
+Those selections in this book which are from my own works, were made by
+my two assistant compilers, not by me. This is why There are not more.
+
+Mark Twain]
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+
+This anthology of American Humor represents a process of selection that
+has been going on for more than fifteen years, and in giving it to the
+public it is perhaps well that the Editor should precede it with a few
+words of explanation as to its meaning and scope.
+
+Not only all that is fairly representative of the work of our American
+humorists, from Washington Irving to "Mr. Dooley," has been gathered
+together, but also much that is merely fugitive and anecdotal. Thus, in
+many instances literary finish has been ignored in order that certain
+characteristic and purely American bits should have their place. The
+Editor is not unmindful of the danger of this plan. For where there is
+such a countless number of witticisms (so-called) as are constantly
+coming to the surface, and where so many of them are worthless, it must
+always take a rare discrimination to detect the genuine from the false.
+This difficulty is greatly increased by the difference of opinion that
+exists, even among the elect, with regard to the merit of particular
+jokes. To paraphrase an old adage, what is one man's laughter may be
+another man's dirge. The Editor desires to make it plain, however, that
+the responsibility in this particular instance is entirely his own. He
+has made his selections without consulting any one, knowing that if a
+consultation of experts should attempt to decide about the contents of a
+volume of American humor, no volume would ever be published.
+
+The reader will doubtless recognize, in this anthology, many old
+friends. He may also be conscious of omissions. These omissions are due
+either to the restrictions of publishers, or the impossibility of
+obtaining original copies, or the limited space.
+
+
+
+
+ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
+
+
+Acknowledgments are made herewith to the following publishers, who have
+kindly consented to allow the reproduction of the material designated.
+
+     F. A. STOKES & COMPANY, New York: "A Rhyme for Priscilla,"
+     F. D. Sherman; "The Bohemians of Boston," Gelett Burgess; "A Kiss
+     in the Rain," "Bessie Brown, M. D.," S. M. Peck.
+
+     DODD, MEAD & COMPANY, New York: Four Extracts, E. W.
+     Townsend ("Chimmie Fadden").
+
+     BOWEN-MERRILL COMPANY, Indianapolis: "The Elf Child," "A
+     Liz-Town Humorist," James Whitcomb Riley.
+
+     LEE & SHEPARD, Boston: "The Meeting of the Clabberhuses,"
+     "A Philosopher," "The Ideal Husband to His Wife," "The Prayer of
+     Cyrus Brown," "A Modern Martyrdom," S. W. Foss; "After the
+     Funeral," "What He Wanted It For," J. M. Bailey.
+
+     BACHELLER, JOHNSON & BACHELLER, New York: "The Composite
+     Ghost," Marion Couthouy Smith.
+
+     D. APPLETON & COMPANY, New York: "Illustrated Newspapers,"
+     "Tushmaker's Tooth-puller," G. H. Derby ("John Phoenix").
+
+     T. B. PETERSON & COMPANY, Philadelphia: "Hans Breitmann's
+     Party," "Ballad," C. G. Leland.
+
+     CENTURY COMPANY, New York: "Miss Malony on the Chinese
+     Question," Mary Mapes Dodge; "The Origin of the Banjo," Irwin
+     Russell; "The Walloping Window-Blind," Charles E. Carryl; "The
+     Patriotic Tourist," "What's in a Name?" "'Tis Ever Thus," R. K.
+     Munkittrick.
+
+     FORBES & COMPANY, Chicago: "If I Should Die To-Night,"
+     "The Pessimist," Ben King.
+
+     J. S. OGILVIE & COMPANY, New York: Three Short Extracts,
+     C. B. Lewis ("Mr. Bowser").
+
+     THE CHELSEA COMPANY, New York: "The Society Reporter's
+     Christmas," "The Dying Gag," James L. Ford.
+
+     KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN, New York: "Love Letters of Smith,"
+     H. C. Bunner.
+
+     SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY, Boston: "On Gold-Seeking," "On
+     Expert Testimony," F. P. Dunne ("Mr. Dooley"); "Tale of the
+     Kennebec Mariner," "Grampy Sings a Song," "Cure for Homesickness,"
+     Holman F. Day.
+
+     BELFORD, CLARKE & COMPANY, Chicago: "A Fatal Thirst," "On
+     Cyclones," Bill Nye.
+
+     DUQUESNE DISTRIBUTING COMPANY, Harmanville, Pennsylvania:
+     "In Society," William J. Kountz, Jr. (from the bound edition of
+     "Billy Baxter's Letters").
+
+     R. H. RUSSELL, New York: Nonsense Verses--"Impetuous
+     Samuel," "Misfortunes Never Come Singly," "Aunt Eliza," "Susan";
+     "The City as a Summer Resort," "Avarice and Generosity," "Work and
+     Sport," "Home Life of Geniuses," F. P. Dunne ("Mr. Dooley"); "My
+     Angeline," Harry B. Smith.
+
+     H. S. STONE & COMPANY, Chicago: "The Preacher Who Flew His
+     Kite." "The Fable of the Caddy," "The Two Mandolin Players," George
+     Ade.
+
+     AMERICAN PUBLISHING COMPANY, Hartford: "A Pleasure
+     Excursion," "An Unmarried Female," Marietta Holley; "Colonel
+     Sellers," "Mark Twain."
+
+     G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS, New York: "Living in the Country," "A
+     Glass of Water," "A Family Horse," F. S. Cozzens.
+
+     GEORGE DILLINGHAM, New York: "Natral and Unnatral
+     Aristocrats," "To Correspondents," "The Bumblebee," "Josh
+     Billings"; "Among the Spirits," "The Shakers," "A. W. to His Wife,"
+     "Artemus Ward and the Prince of Wales," "A Visit to Brigham Young,"
+     "The Tower of London," "One of Mr. Ward's Business Letters," "On
+     'Forts,'" Artemus Ward; "At the Musicale," "At the Races," Geo. V.
+     Hobart ("John Henry").
+
+     THOMPSON & THOMAS, Chicago: "How to Hunt the Fox," Bill
+     Nye.
+
+     LITTLE, BROWN & COMPANY, Boston: "Street Scenes in
+     Washington," Louisa May Alcott.
+
+     E. H. BACON & COMPANY, Boston: "A Boston Lullaby," James
+     Jeffrey Roche.
+
+     HOUGHTON, MIFFLIN & COMPANY, Boston: "My Aunt," "The
+     Wonderful One-hoss Shay," "Foreign Correspondence,"
+     "Music-Pounding" (extract), "The Ballad of the Oysterman,"
+     "Dislikes" (short extract), "The Height of the Ridiculous," "An
+     Aphorism and a Lecture," O. W. Holmes; "The Yankee Recruit," "What
+     Mr. Robinson Thinks," "The Courtin'," "A Letter from Mr. Ezekiel
+     Bigelow," "Without and Within," J. R. Lowell; "Five Lives," "Eve's
+     Daughter," E. R. Sill; "The Owl-Critic," "The Alarmed Skipper,"
+     James T. Fields; "My Summer in a Garden," "Plumbers," "How I Killed
+     a Bear," C. D. Warner; "Little Breeches," John Hay; "The Stammering
+     Wife," "Coquette," "My Familiar," "Early Rising," J. G. Saxe; "The
+     Diamond Wedding," E. C. Stedman; "Melons," "Society Upon the
+     Stanislaus," "The Heathen Chinee," "To the Pliocene Skull," Bret
+     Harte; "The Total Depravity of Inanimate Things," K. K. C. Walker;
+     "Palabras Grandiosas," Bayard Taylor; "Mrs. Johnson," William Dean
+     Howells; "A Plea for Humor," Agnes Repplier; "The Minister's
+     Wooing," Harriet Beecher Stowe.
+
+In addition, the Editor desires to make his personal acknowledgments to
+the following authors: F. P. Dunne, Mary Mapes Dodge, Gelett Burgess, R.
+K. Munkittrick, E. W. Townsend, F. D. Sherman.
+
+For such small paragraphs, anecdotes and witticisms as have been used in
+these volumes, acknowledgment is hereby made to the following newspapers
+and periodicals:
+
+_Chicago Record_, _Boston Globe_, _Texas Siftings_, _New Orleans Times
+Democrat_, _Providence Journal_, _New York Evening Sun_, _Atlanta
+Constitution_, _Macon Telegraph_, _New Haven Register_, _Chicago Times_,
+_Analostan Magazine_, _Harper's Bazaar_, _Florida Citizen_, _Saturday
+Evening Post_, _Chicago Times Herald_, _Washington Post_, _Cleveland
+Plain Dealer_,_ _New York Tribune_, _Chicago Tribune_, _Pittsburg
+Bulletin_, _Philadelphia Ledger_, _Youth's Companion_, _Harper's
+Magazine_, _Duluth Evening Herald_, _Boston Medical and Surgical
+Journal_, _Washington Times_, _Rochester Budget_, _Bangor News_, _Boston
+Herald_, _Pittsburg Dispatch_, _Christian Advocate_, _Troy Times_,
+_Boston Beacon_, _New Haven News_, _New York Herald_, _Philadelphia
+Call_, _Philadelphia News_, _Erie Dispatch_, _Town Topics_, _Buffalo
+Courier_, _Life_, _San Francisco Wave_, _Boston Home Journal_, _Puck_,
+_Washington Hatchet_, _Detroit Free Press_, _Babyhood_, _Philadelphia
+Press_, _Judge_, _New York Sun_, _Minneapolis Journal_, _San Francisco
+Argonaut_, _St. Louis Sunday Globe_, _Atlanta Constitution_, _Buffalo
+Courier_, _New York Weekly_, _Starlight Messenger_ (St Peter, Minn.).
+
+
+
+
+  CONTENTS
+
+  _VOLUME I_
+
+                                                                    PAGE
+
+  WASHINGTON IRVING
+
+  Wouter Van Twiller                                                   1
+  Wilhelmus Kieft                                                      8
+  Peter Stuyvesant                                                    13
+  Antony Van Corlear                                                  15
+  General Van Poffenburgh                                             18
+
+  BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
+
+  Maxims                                                              21
+  Model of a Letter of Recommendation of a
+  Person You Are Unacquainted with                                    21
+  Epitaph for Himself                                                 22
+
+  WILLIAM ALLEN BUTLER
+
+  Nothing to Wear                                                     24
+
+  HENRY WARD BEECHER
+
+  Deacon Marble                                                       39
+  The Deacon's Trout                                                  41
+  The Dog Noble and the Empty Hole                                    43
+
+  ALBERT GORTON GREENE
+
+  Old Grimes                                                          45
+
+  OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES
+
+  My Aunt                                                             49
+  The Deacon's Masterpiece; or, the Wonderful
+  "One-hoss Shay"                                                     63
+  Foreign Correspondence                                             106
+  Music-Pounding                                                     109
+  The Ballad of the Oysterman                                        142
+
+  NATHANIEL PARKER WILLIS
+
+  Miss Albina McLush                                                  51
+  Love in a Cottage                                                  125
+
+  WILLIAM PITT PALMER
+
+  A Smack in School                                                   56
+
+  B. P. SHILLABER ("Mrs. Partington")
+
+  Fancy Diseases                                                      58
+  Bailed Out                                                          59
+  Seeking a Comet                                                     59
+  Going to California                                                 60
+  Mrs. Partington in Court                                            61
+
+  EDWARD ROWLAND SILL
+
+  Five Lives                                                          68
+
+  JAMES T. FIELDS
+
+  The Owl-Critic                                                      70
+  The Alarmed Skipper                                                104
+
+  JOHN HAY
+
+  Little Breeches                                                     74
+
+  HENRY W. SHAW ("Josh Billings")
+
+  Natral and Unnatral Aristokrats                                     77
+
+  JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL
+
+  The Yankee Recruit                                                  81
+  What Mr. Robinson Thinks                                           170
+
+  CHARLES DUDLEY WARNER
+
+  My Summer in a Garden                                               90
+
+  FREDERICK S. COZZENS
+
+  Living in the Country                                              111
+
+  CHARLES GODFREY LELAND
+
+  Hans Breitmann's Party                                             127
+
+  FRANCES M. WHICHER
+
+  Tim Crane and the Widow                                            129
+
+  JOHN GODFREY SAXE
+
+  The Stammering Wife                                                135
+
+  ANDREW V. KELLEY ("Parmenas Mix")
+
+  He Came to Pay                                                     139
+
+  MARIETTA HOLLEY
+
+  A Pleasure Exertion                                                144
+
+  EDMUND CLARENCE STEDMAN
+
+  The Diamond Wedding                                                162
+
+  MISCELLANEOUS
+
+  Why He Left                                                         23
+  A Boy's Essay on Girls                                              38
+  Identified                                                          47
+  One Better                                                          48
+  A Rendition                                                         57
+  A Cause for Thanks                                                  73
+  Crowded                                                            103
+  The Wedding Journey                                                105
+  A Case of Conscience                                               126
+  He Rose to the Occasion                                            136
+  Polite                                                             137
+  Lost, Strayed or Stolen                                            138
+  A Gentle Complaint                                                 141
+  Music by the Choir                                                 173
+
+
+
+
+WASHINGTON IRVING
+
+
+WOUTER VAN TWILLER
+
+It was in the year of our Lord 1629 that Mynheer Wouter Van Twiller was
+appointed Governor of the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, under the
+commission and control of their High Mightinesses the Lords States
+General of the United Netherlands, and the privileged West India
+Company.
+
+This renowned old gentleman arrived at New Amsterdam in the merry month
+of June, the sweetest month in all the year; when dan Apollo seems to
+dance up the transparent firmament--when the robin, the thrush, and a
+thousand other wanton songsters make the woods to resound with amorous
+ditties, and the luxurious little bob-lincon revels among the clover
+blossoms of the meadows--all which happy coincidences persuaded the old
+dames of New Amsterdam, who were skilled in the art of foretelling
+events, that this was to be a happy and prosperous administration.
+
+The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twiller was descended from a long
+line of Dutch burgomasters, who had successively dozed away their lives
+and grown fat upon the bench of magistracy in Rotterdam, and who had
+comported themselves with such singular wisdom and propriety that they
+were never either heard or talked of--which, next to being universally
+applauded, should be the object of ambition of all magistrates and
+rulers. There are two opposite ways by which some men make a figure in
+the world; one, by talking faster than they think, and the other, by
+holding their tongues and not thinking at all. By the first, many a
+smatterer acquires the reputation of a man of quick parts; by the other,
+many a dunderpate, like the owl, the stupidest of birds, comes to be
+considered the very type of wisdom. This, by the way, is a casual
+remark, which I would not, for the universe, have it thought I apply to
+Governor Van Twiller. It is true he was a man shut up within himself,
+like an oyster, and rarely spoke, except in monosyllables; but then it
+was allowed he seldom said a foolish thing. So invincible was his
+gravity that he was never known to laugh or even to smile through the
+whole course of a long and prosperous life. Nay, if a joke were uttered
+in his presence that set light-minded hearers in a roar, it was observed
+to throw him into a state of perplexity. Sometimes he would deign to
+inquire into the matter, and when, after much explanation, the joke was
+made as plain as a pike-staff, he would continue to smoke his pipe in
+silence, and at length, knocking out the ashes, would exclaim, "Well, I
+see nothing in all that to laugh about."
+
+With all his reflective habits, he never made up his mind on a subject.
+His adherents accounted for this by the astonishing magnitude of his
+ideas. He conceived every subject on so grand a scale that he had not
+room in his head to turn it over and examine both sides of it. Certain
+it is that, if any matter were propounded to him on which ordinary
+mortals would rashly determine at first glance, he would put on a vague,
+mysterious look, shake his capacious head, smoke some time in profound
+silence, and at length observe that "he had his doubts about the
+matter"; which gained him the reputation of a man slow of belief and not
+easily imposed upon. What is more, it gained him a lasting name; for to
+this habit of the mind has been attributed his surname of Twiller; which
+is said to be a corruption of the original Twijfler, or, in plain
+English, _Doubter_.
+
+The person of this illustrious old gentleman was formed and proportioned
+as though it had been molded by the hands of some cunning Dutch
+statuary, as a model of majesty and lordly grandeur. He was exactly five
+feet six inches in height, and six feet five inches in circumference.
+His head was a perfect sphere, and of such stupendous dimensions that
+Dame Nature, with all her sex's ingenuity, would have been puzzled to
+construct a neck capable of supporting it; wherefore she wisely declined
+the attempt, and settled it firmly on the top of his backbone, just
+between the shoulders. His body was oblong, and particularly capacious
+at bottom; which was wisely ordered by Providence seeing that he was a
+man of sedentary habits, and very averse to the idle labor of walking.
+His legs were short, but sturdy in proportion to the weight they had to
+sustain; so that when erect he had not a little the appearance of a beer
+barrel on skids. His face, that infallible index of the mind, presented
+a vast expanse, unfurrowed by those lines and angles which disfigure the
+human countenance with what is termed expression. Two small gray eyes
+twinkled feebly in the midst, like two stars of lesser magnitude in a
+hazy firmament; and his full-fed cheeks, which seemed to have taken toll
+of everything that went into his mouth, were curiously mottled and
+streaked with dusky red, like a Spitzenberg apple.
+
+His habits were as regular as his person. He daily took his four stated
+meals, appropriating exactly an hour to each; he smoked and doubted
+eight hours, and he slept the remaining twelve of the four-and-twenty.
+Such was the renowned Wouter Van Twilleri--a true philosopher, for his
+mind was either elevated above, or tranquilly settled below, the cares
+and perplexities of this world. He had lived in it for years, without
+feeling the least curiosity to know whether the sun revolved round it,
+or it round the sun; and he had watched for at least half a century the
+smoke curling from his pipe to the ceiling, without once troubling his
+head with any of those numerous theories by which a philosopher would
+have perplexed his brain, in accounting for its rising above the
+surrounding atmosphere.
+
+In his council he presided with great state and solemnity. He sat in a
+huge chair of solid oak, hewn in the celebrated forest of the Hague,
+fabricated by an experienced timmerman of Amsterdam, and curiously
+carved about the arms and feet into exact imitations of gigantic eagle's
+claws. Instead of a scepter, he swayed a long Turkish pipe, wrought with
+jasmine and amber, which had been presented to a stadtholder of
+Holland at the conclusion of a treaty with one of the petty Barbary
+powers. In this stately chair would he sit, and this magnificent pipe
+would he smoke, shaking his right knee with a constant motion, and
+fixing his eye for hours together upon a little print of Amsterdam which
+hung in a black frame against the opposite wall of the council chamber.
+Nay, it has even been said that when any deliberation of extraordinary
+length and intricacy was on the carpet, the renowned Wouter would shut
+his eyes for full two hours at a time, that he might not be disturbed by
+external objects; and at such times the internal commotion of his mind
+was evinced by certain regular guttural sounds, which his admirers
+declared were merely the noise of conflict made by his contending doubts
+and opinions.
+
+It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled to collect these
+biographical anecdotes of the great man under consideration. The facts
+respecting him were so scattered and vague, and divers of them so
+questionable in point of authenticity, that I have had to give up the
+search after many, and decline the admission of still more, which would
+have tended to heighten the coloring of his portrait.
+
+I have been the more anxious to delineate fully the person and habits of
+Wouter Van Twiller, from the consideration that he was not only the
+first but also the best Governor that ever presided over this ancient
+and respectable province; and so tranquil and benevolent was his reign,
+that I do not find throughout the whole of it a single instance of any
+offender being brought to punishment--a most indubitable sign of a
+merciful Governor, and a case unparalleled, excepting in the reign of
+the illustrious King Log, from whom, it is hinted, the renowned Van
+Twiller was a lineal descendant.
+
+The very outset of the career of this excellent magistrate was
+distinguished by an example of legal acumen that gave flattering presage
+of a wise and equitable administration. The morning after he had been
+installed in office, and at the moment that he was making his breakfast
+from a prodigious earthen dish, filled with milk and Indian pudding, he
+was interrupted by the appearance of Wandle Schoonhoven, a very
+important old burgher of New Amsterdam, who complained bitterly of one
+Barent Bleecker, inasmuch as he refused to come to a settlement of
+accounts, seeing that there was a heavy balance in favor of the said
+Wandle. Governor Van Twiller, as I have already observed, was a man of
+few words; he was likewise a mortal enemy to multiplying writings--or
+being disturbed at his breakfast. Having listened attentively to the
+statement of Wandle Schoonhoven, giving an occasional grunt, as he
+shoveled a spoonful of Indian pudding into his mouth--either as a sign
+that he relished the dish, or comprehended the story--he called unto him
+his constable, and pulling out of his breeches pocket a huge jack-knife,
+despatched it after the defendant as a summons, accompanied by his
+tobacco-box as a warrant.
+
+This summary process was as effectual in those simple days as was the
+seal-ring of the great Haroun Alraschid among the true believers. The
+two parties being confronted before him, each produced a book of
+accounts, written in a language and character that would have puzzled
+any but a High-Dutch commentator or a learned decipherer of Egyptian
+obelisks. The sage Wouter took them one after the other, and having
+poised them in his hands and attentively counted over the number of
+leaves, fell straightway into a very great doubt, and smoked for half an
+hour without saying a word; at length, laying his finger beside his nose
+and shutting his eyes for a moment, with the air of a man who has just
+caught a subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe from his
+mouth, puffed forth a column of tobacco smoke, and with marvelous
+gravity and solemnity pronounced, that, having carefully counted over
+the leaves and weighed the books, it was found that one was just as
+thick and as heavy as the other; therefore, it was the final opinion of
+the court that the accounts were equally balanced: therefore, Wandle
+should give Barent a receipt, and Barent should give Wandle a receipt,
+and the constable should pay the costs.
+
+This decision, being straightway made known, diffused general joy
+throughout New Amsterdam, for the people immediately perceived that they
+had a very wise and equitable magistrate to rule over them. But its
+happiest effect was that not another lawsuit took place throughout the
+whole of his administration; and the office of constable fell into such
+decay that there was not one of those losel scouts known in the province
+for many years. I am the more particular in dwelling on this
+transaction, not only because I deem it one of the most sage and
+righteous judgments on record, and well worthy the attention of modern
+magistrates, but because it was a miraculous event in the history of the
+renowned Wouter--being the only time he was ever known to come to a
+decision in the whole course of his life.
+
+
+WILHELMUS KIEFT
+
+As some sleek ox, sunk in the rich repose of a clover field, dozing and
+chewing the cud, will bear repeated blows before it raises itself, so
+the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, having waxed fat under the drowsy
+reign of the Doubter, needed cuffs and kicks to rouse it into action.
+The reader will now witness the manner in which a peaceful community
+advances toward a state of war; which is apt to be like the approach of
+a horse to a drum, with much prancing and little progress, and too often
+with the wrong end foremost.
+
+Wilhelmus Kieft, who in 1634 ascended the gubernatorial chair (to borrow
+a favorite though clumsy appellation of modern phraseologists), was of a
+lofty descent, his father being inspector of windmills in the ancient
+town of Saardam; and our hero, we are told, when a boy, made very
+curious investigations into the nature and operations of these machines,
+which was one reason why he afterward came to be so ingenious a
+Governor. His name, according to the most authentic etymologists, was a
+corruption of Kyver--that is to say, a _wrangler_ or _scolder_, and
+expressed the characteristic of his family, which, for nearly two
+centuries, have kept the windy town of Saardam in hot water and produced
+more tartars and brimstones than any ten families in the place; and so
+truly did he inherit this family peculiarity, that he had not been a
+year in the government of the province before he was universally
+denominated William the Testy. His appearance answered to his name. He
+was a brisk, wiry, waspish little old gentleman, such a one as may now
+and then be seen stumping about our city in a broad-skirted coat with
+huge buttons, a cocked hat stuck on the back of his head, and a cane as
+high as his chin. His face was broad, but his features were sharp; his
+cheeks were scorched into a dusky red by two fiery little gray eyes, his
+nose turned up, and the corners of his mouth turned down, pretty much
+like the muzzle of an irritable pug-dog.
+
+I have heard it observed by a profound adept in human physiology, that
+if a woman waxes fat with the progress of years, her tenure of life is
+somewhat precarious, but if haply she withers as she grows old, she
+lives forever. Such promised to be the case with William the Testy, who
+grew tough in proportion as he dried. He had withered, in fact, not
+through the process of years, but through the tropical fervor of his
+soul, which burnt like a vehement rush-light in his bosom, inciting him
+to incessant broils and bickerings. Ancient tradition speaks much of his
+learning, and of the gallant inroads he had made into the dead
+languages, in which he had made captive a host of Greek nouns and Latin
+verbs, and brought off rich booty in ancient saws and apothegms, which
+he was wont to parade in his public harangues, as a triumphant general
+of yore his _spolia opima_. Of metaphysics he knew enough to confound
+all hearers and himself into the bargain. In logic he knew the whole
+family of syllogisms and dilemmas, and was so proud of his skill that he
+never suffered even a self-evident fact to pass unargued. It was
+observed, however, that he seldom got into an argument without getting
+into a perplexity, and then into a passion with his adversary for not
+being convinced gratis.
+
+He had, moreover, skirmished smartly on the frontiers of several of the
+sciences, was fond of experimental philosophy, and prided himself upon
+inventions of all kinds. His abode, which he had fixed at a Bowerie or
+country-seat at a short distance from the city, just at what is now
+called Dutch Street, soon abounded with proofs of his ingenuity: patent
+smoke-jacks that required a horse to work them; Dutch ovens that roasted
+meat without fire; carts that went before the horses; weathercocks that
+turned against the wind; and other wrong-headed contrivances that
+astonished and confounded all beholders. The house, too, was beset with
+paralytic cats and dogs, the subjects of his experimental philosophy;
+and the yelling and yelping of the latter unhappy victims of science,
+while aiding in the pursuit of knowledge, soon gained for the place the
+name of "Dog's Misery," by which it continues to be known even at the
+present day.
+
+It is in knowledge as in swimming: he who flounders and splashes on the
+surface makes more noise, and attracts more attention, than the
+pearl-diver who quietly dives in quest of treasures to the bottom. The
+vast acquirements of the new Governor were the theme of marvel among the
+simple burghers of New Amsterdam; he figured about the place as learned
+a man as a Bonze at Pekin, who had mastered one-half of the Chinese
+alphabet, and was unanimously pronounced a "universal genius!" ...
+
+Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the reign of William the Testy;
+for henceforth, in the troubles, perplexities and confusion of the
+times, he seems to have been totally overlooked, and to have slipped
+forever through the fingers of scrupulous history....
+
+It is true that certain of the early provincial poets, of whom there
+were great numbers in the Nieuw Nederlandts, taking advantage of his
+mysterious exit, have fabled that, like Romulus, he was translated to
+the skies, and forms a very fiery little star somewhere on the left claw
+of the Crab; while others, equally fanciful, declare that he had
+experienced a fate similar to that of the good King Arthur, who, we are
+assured by ancient bards, was carried away to the delicious abodes of
+fairy-land, where he still exists in pristine worth and vigor, and will
+one day or another return to restore the gallantry, the honor and the
+immaculate probity which prevailed in the glorious days of the Round
+Table.
+
+All these, however, are but pleasing fantasies, the cobweb visions of
+those dreaming varlets, the poets, to which I would not have my
+judicious readers attach any credibility. Neither am I disposed to
+credit an ancient and rather apocryphal historian who asserts that the
+ingenious Wilhelmus was annihilated by the blowing down of one of his
+windmills; nor a writer of latter times, who affirms that he fell a
+victim to an experiment in natural history, having the misfortune to
+break his neck from a garret window of the stadthouse in attempting to
+catch swallows by sprinkling salt upon their tails. Still less do I put
+my faith in the tradition that he perished at sea in conveying home to
+Holland a treasure of golden ore, discovered somewhere among the haunted
+regions of the Catskill Mountains.
+
+The most probable account declares that, what with the constant troubles
+on his frontiers, the incessant schemings and projects going on in his
+own pericranium, the memorials, petitions, remonstrances and sage pieces
+of advice of respectable meetings of the sovereign people, and the
+refractory disposition of his councilors, who were sure to differ from
+him on every point and uniformly to be in the wrong, his mind was kept
+in a furnace-heat until he became as completely burnt out as a Dutch
+family pipe which has passed through three generations of hard smokers.
+In this manner did he undergo a kind of animal combustion, consuming
+away like a farthing rush-light; so that when grim death finally snuffed
+him out there was scarce left enough of him to bury.
+
+
+PETER STUYVESANT
+
+Peter Stuyvesant was the last, and, like the renowned Wouter Van
+Twiller, the best of our ancient Dutch Governors, Wouter having
+surpassed all who preceded him, and Peter, or Piet, as he was sociably
+called by the old Dutch burghers, who were ever prone to familiarize
+names, having never been equaled by any successor. He was in fact the
+very man fitted by nature to retrieve the desperate fortunes of her
+beloved province, had not the Fates, those most potent and unrelenting
+of all ancient spinsters, destined them to inextricable confusion.
+
+To say merely that he was a hero would be doing him great injustice; he
+was in truth a combination of heroes; for he was of a sturdy, raw-boned
+make, like Ajax Telamon, with a pair of round shoulders that Hercules
+would have given his hide for (meaning his lion's hide) when he
+undertook to ease old Atlas of his load. He was, moreover, as Plutarch
+describes Coriolanus, not only terrible for the force of his arm, but
+likewise of his voice, which sounded as though it came out of a barrel;
+and, like the self-same warrior, he possessed a sovereign contempt for
+the sovereign people, and an iron aspect which was enough of itself to
+make the very bowels of his adversaries quake with terror and dismay.
+All this martial excellency of appearance was inexpressibly heightened
+by an accidental advantage, with which I am surprised that neither Homer
+nor Virgil have graced any of their heroes. This was nothing less than a
+wooden leg, which was the only prize he had gained in bravely fighting
+the battles of his country, but of which he was so proud that he was
+often heard to declare he valued it more than all his other limbs put
+together: indeed, so highly did he esteem it that he had it gallantly
+enchased and relieved with silver devices, which caused it to be related
+in divers histories and legends that he wore a silver leg.
+
+
+ANTONY VAN CORLEAR
+
+The very first movements of the great Peter, on taking the reins of
+government, displayed his magnanimity, though they occasioned not a
+little marvel and uneasiness among the people of the Manhattoes. Finding
+himself constantly interrupted by the opposition, and annoyed by the
+advice of his privy council, the members of which had acquired the
+unreasonable habit of thinking and speaking for themselves during the
+preceding reign, he determined at once to put a stop to such grievous
+abominations. Scarcely, therefore, had he entered upon his authority,
+than he turned out of office all the meddlesome spirits of the factious
+cabinet of William the Testy; in place of whom he chose unto himself
+counselors from those fat, somniferous, respectable burghers who had
+flourished and slumbered under the easy reign of Walter the Doubter. All
+these he caused to be furnished with abundance of fair long pipes, and
+to be regaled with frequent corporation dinners, admonishing them to
+smoke, and eat, and sleep for the good of the nation, while he took the
+burden of government upon his own shoulders--an arrangement to which
+they all gave hearty acquiescence.
+
+Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous rout among the inventions and
+expedients of his learned predecessor, rooting up his patent gallows,
+where caitiff vagabonds were suspended by the waistband; demolishing his
+flag-staffs and windmills, which, like mighty giants, guarded the
+ramparts of New Amsterdam; pitching to the duyvel whole batteries of
+Quaker guns; and, in a word, turning topsy-turvy the whole philosophic,
+economic and windmill system of the immortal sage of Saardam.
+
+The honest folks of New Amsterdam began to quake now for the fate of
+their matchless champion, Antony the Trumpeter, who had acquired
+prodigious favor in the eyes of the women by means of his whiskers and
+his trumpet. Him did Peter the Headstrong cause to be brought into his
+presence, and eying him for a moment from head to foot, with a
+countenance that would have appalled anything else than a sounder of
+brass--"Pr'ythee, who and what art thou?" said he.
+
+"Sire," replied the other, in no wise dismayed, "for my name, it is
+Antony Van Corlear; for my parentage, I am the son of my mother; for my
+profession, I am champion and garrison of this great city of New
+Amsterdam." "I doubt me much," said Peter Stuyvesant, "that thou art
+some scurvy costard-monger knave. How didst thou acquire this paramount
+honor and dignity?" "Marry, sir," replied the other, "like many a great
+man before me, simply _by sounding my own trumpet_." "Ay, is it so?"
+quoth the Governor; "why, then, let us have a relish of thy art."
+Whereupon the good Antony put his instrument to his lips, and sounded a
+charge with such a tremendous outset, such a delectable quaver, and such
+a triumphant cadence, that it was enough to make one's heart leap out of
+one's mouth only to be within a mile of it. Like as a war-worn charger,
+grazing in peaceful plains, starts at a strain of martial music, pricks
+up his ears, and snorts, and paws, and kindles at the noise, so did the
+heroic Peter joy to hear the clangor of the trumpet; for of him might
+truly be said, what was recorded of the renowned St. George of England,
+"there was nothing in all the world that more rejoiced his heart than to
+hear the pleasant sound of war, and see the soldiers brandish forth
+their steeled weapons." Casting his eye more kindly, therefore, upon the
+sturdy Van Corlear, and finding him to be a jovial varlet, shrewd in his
+discourse, yet of great discretion and immeasurable wind, he straightway
+conceived a vast kindness for him, and discharging him from the
+troublesome duty of garrisoning, defending and alarming the city, ever
+after retained him about his person as his chief favorite, confidential
+envoy and trusty squire. Instead of disturbing the city with disastrous
+notes, he was instructed to play so as to delight the Governor while at
+his repasts, as did the minstrels of yore in the days of the glorious
+chivalry--and on all public occasions to rejoice the ears of the people
+with warlike melody thereby keeping alive a noble and martial spirit.
+
+
+GENERAL VAN POFFENBURGH
+
+It is tropically observed by honest old Socrates, that heaven infuses
+into some men at their birth a portion of intellectual gold, into others
+of intellectual silver, while others are intellectually furnished with
+iron and brass. Of the last class was General Van Poffenburgh; and it
+would seem as if dame Nature, who will sometimes be partial, had given
+him brass enough for a dozen ordinary braziers. All this he had
+contrived to pass off upon William the Testy for genuine gold; and the
+little Governor would sit for hours and listen to his gunpowder stories
+of exploits, which left those of Tirante the White, Don Belianis of
+Greece, or St. George and the Dragon quite in the background. Having
+been promoted by William Kieft to the command of his whole disposable
+forces, he gave importance to his station by the grandiloquence of his
+bulletins, always styling himself Commander-in-Chief of the Armies of
+the New Netherlands, though in sober truth these armies were nothing
+more than a handful of hen-stealing, bottle-bruising ragamuffins.
+
+In person he was not very tall, but exceedingly round; neither did his
+bulk proceed from his being fat, but windy, being blown up by a
+prodigious conviction of his own importance, until he resembled one of
+those bags of wind given by AEolus, in an incredible fit of generosity,
+to that vagabond warrior Ulysses. His windy endowments had long excited
+the admiration of Antony Van Corlear, who is said to have hinted more
+than once to William the Testy that in making Van Poffenburgh a general
+he had spoiled an admirable trumpeter.
+
+As it is the practice in ancient story to give the reader a description
+of the arms and equipments of every noted warrior, I will bestow a word
+upon the dress of this redoubtable commander. It comported with his
+character, being so crossed and slashed, and embroidered with lace and
+tinsel, that he seemed to have as much brass without as nature had
+stored away within. He was swathed, too, in a crimson sash, of the size
+and texture of a fishing-net--doubtless to keep his swelling heart from
+bursting through his ribs. His face glowed with furnace-heat from
+between a huge pair of well-powdered whiskers, and his valorous soul
+seemed ready to bounce out of a pair of large, glassy, blinking eyes,
+projecting like those of a lobster.
+
+I swear to thee, worthy reader, if history and tradition belie not this
+warrior, I would give all the money in my pocket to have seen him
+accoutred _cap-a-pie_--booted to the middle, sashed to the chin,
+collared to the ears, whiskered to the teeth, crowned with an
+overshadowing cocked hat, and girded with a leathern belt ten inches
+broad, from which trailed a falchion, of a length that I dare not
+mention. Thus equipped, he strutted about, as bitter-looking a man of
+war as the far-famed More, of Morehall, when he sallied forth to slay
+the dragon of Wantley. For what says the ballad?
+
+  "Had you but seen him in this dress,
+    How fierce he looked and how big,
+  You would have thought him for to be
+    Some Egyptian porcupig.
+  He frighted all--cats, dogs, and all,
+    Each cow, each horse, and each hog;
+  For fear they did flee, for they took him to be
+    Some strange outlandish hedgehog."
+
+  --_Knickerbocker's History of New York._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A friend of mine," said a citizen, "asked me the other evening to go
+and call on some friends of his who had lost the head of the family the
+day previous. He had been an honest old man, a laborer with a pick and
+shovel. While we were with the family an old man entered who had worked
+by his side for years. Expressing his sorrow at the loss of his friend,
+and glancing about the room, he observed a large floral anchor.
+Scrutinizing it closely, he turned to the widow and in a low tone asked,
+'Who sent the pick?'"
+
+While Butler was delivering a speech for the Democrats in Boston during
+an exciting campaign, one of his hearers cried out, "How about the
+spoons, Ben?" Benjamin's good eye twinkled merrily as he replied: "Now,
+don't mention that, please. I was a Republican when I stole those
+spoons."
+
+
+
+
+BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
+
+
+MAXIMS
+
+Never spare the parson's wine, nor the baker's pudding.
+
+A house without woman or firelight is like a body without soul or
+sprite.
+
+Kings and bears often worry their keepers.
+
+Light purse, heavy heart.
+
+He's a fool that makes his doctor his heir.
+
+Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in.
+
+To lengthen thy life, lessen thy meals.
+
+He that drinks fast pays slow.
+
+He is ill-clothed who is bare of virtue.
+
+Beware of meat twice boil'd, and an old foe reconcil'd.
+
+The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of a wise man is in
+his heart.
+
+He that is rich need not live sparingly, and he that can live sparingly
+need not be rich.
+
+He that waits upon fortune is never sure of a dinner.
+
+
+    MODEL OF A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION OF A PERSON YOU ARE UNACQUAINTED
+    WITH
+
+    PARIS, April 2, 1777.
+
+    _Sir_: The bearer of this, who is going to America, presses me to
+    give him a letter of recommendation, though I know nothing of him,
+    not even his name. This may seem extraordinary, but I assure you it
+    is not uncommon here. Sometimes, indeed, one unknown person brings
+    another equally unknown, to recommend him; and sometimes they
+    recommend one another! As to this gentleman, I must refer you to
+    himself for his character and merits, with which he is certainly
+    better acquainted than I can possibly be. I recommend him, however,
+    to those civilities which every stranger, of whom one knows no harm,
+    has a right to; and I request you will do him all the favor that, on
+    further acquaintance, you shall find him to deserve. I have the
+    honor to be, etc.
+
+
+EPITAPH FOR HIMSELF
+
+                   THE BODY
+                      OF
+              BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
+      (LIKE THE COVER OF AN OLD BOOK,
+          ITS CONTENTS TORN OUT,
+  AND STRIPT OF ITS LETTERING AND GILDING),
+          LIES HERE FOOD FOR WORMS;
+   YET THE WORK ITSELF SHALL NOT BE LOST,
+ FOR IT WILL (AS HE BELIEVED) APPEAR ONCE MORE
+                     IN A NEW
+          AND MORE BEAUTIFUL EDITION
+             CORRECTED AND AMENDED
+                     BY
+                  THE AUTHOR.
+
+
+WHY HE LEFT
+
+Mr. Dickson, a colored barber in a large New England town, was shaving
+one of his customers, a respectable citizen, one morning, when a
+conversation occurred between them respecting Mr. Dickson's former
+connection with a colored church in that place:
+
+"I believe you are connected with the church in Elm Street, are you not,
+Mr. Dickson?" said the customer.
+
+"No, sah, not at all."
+
+"What! are you not a member of the African church?"
+
+"Not dis year, sah."
+
+"Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Dickson, if I may be permitted
+to ask?"
+
+"Well, I'll tell you, sah," said Mr. Dickson, stropping a concave razor
+on the palm of his hand, "it was just like dis. I jined de church in
+good fait'; I gave ten dollars toward the stated gospil de first year,
+and de church people call me '_Brudder_ Dickson'; de second year my
+business not so good, and I gib only _five_ dollars. That year the
+people call me '_Mr._ Dickson.' Dis razor hurt you, sah?"
+
+"No, the razor goes tolerably well."
+
+"Well, sah, de third year I feel berry poor; had sickness in my family;
+I didn't gib _noffin_' for preachin'. Well, sah, arter dat dey call me
+'_dat old nigger Dickson_'--and I left 'em."
+
+
+
+
+WILLIAM ALLEN BUTLER
+
+
+NOTHING TO WEAR
+
+  Miss Flora M'Flimsey, of Madison Square,
+  Has made three separate journeys to Paris,
+  And her father assures me, each time she was there,
+  That she and her friend, Mrs. Harris
+  (Not the lady whose name is so famous in history,
+  But plain Mrs. H., without romance or mystery),
+  Spent six consecutive weeks, without stopping,
+  In one continuous round of shopping--
+  Shopping alone, and shopping together,
+  At all hours of the day, and in all sorts of weather,
+  For all manner of things that a woman can put
+  On the crown of her head, or the sole of her foot,
+  Or wrap round her shoulders, or fit round her waist,
+  Or that can be sewed on, or pinned on, or laced,
+  Or tied on with a string, or stitched on with a bow
+  In front or behind, above or below;
+  For bonnets, mantillas, capes, collars and shawls;
+  Dresses for breakfasts, and dinners, and balls;
+  Dresses to sit in, and stand in, and walk in;
+  Dresses to dance in, and flirt in, and talk in;
+  Dresses in which to do nothing at all;
+  Dresses for winter, spring, summer and fall;
+  All of them different in color and shape,
+  Silk, muslin and lace, velvet, satin and crape,
+  Brocade and broadcloth, and other material,
+  Quite as expensive and much more ethereal;
+  In short, for all things that could ever be thought of,
+  Or milliner, _modiste_ or tradesman be bought of,
+    From ten-thousand-franc robes to twenty-sous frills;
+  In all quarters of Paris, and to every store,
+  While M'Flimsey in vain stormed, scolded and swore,
+    They footed the streets, and he footed the bills!
+
+  The last trip, their goods shipped by the steamer _Arago_,
+  Formed, M'Flimsey declares, the bulk of her cargo,
+  Not to mention a quantity kept from the rest,
+  Sufficient to fill the largest-sized chest,
+  Which did not appear on the ship's manifest,
+  But for which the ladies themselves manifested
+  Such particular interest, that they invested
+  Their own proper persons in layers and rows
+  Of muslins, embroideries, worked underclothes,
+  Gloves, handkerchiefs, scarfs, and such trifles as those;
+  Then, wrapped in great shawls, like Circassian beauties,
+  Gave _good-by_ to the ship, and _go by_ to the duties.
+  Her relations at home all marveled, no doubt,
+  Miss Flora had grown so enormously stout
+    For an actual belle and a possible bride;
+  But the miracle ceased when she turned inside out,
+    And the truth came to light, and the dry-goods besides,
+  Which, in spite of Collector and Custom-House sentry,
+  Had entered the port without any entry.
+
+  And yet, though scarce three months have passed since the day
+  This merchandise went, on twelve carts, up Broadway,
+  This same Miss M'Flimsey of Madison Square,
+  The last time we met was in utter despair,
+  Because she had nothing whatever to wear!
+
+  Nothing to wear! Now, as this is a true ditty,
+    I do not assert--this, you know, is between us--
+  That she's in a state of absolute nudity,
+    Like Powers's Greek Slave or the Medici Venus;
+  But I do mean to say, I have heard her declare,
+    When at the same moment she had on a dress
+    Which cost five hundred dollars, and not a cent less,
+    And jewelry worth ten times more, I should guess,
+  That she had not a thing in the wide world to wear!
+
+  I should mention just here, that out of Miss Flora's
+  Two hundred and fifty or sixty adorers,
+  I had just been selected as he who should throw all
+  The rest in the shade, by the gracious bestowal
+  On myself, after twenty or thirty rejections,
+  Of those fossil remains which she called her "affections,"
+  And that rather decayed but well-known work of art
+  Which Miss Flora persisted in styling her "heart."
+  So we were engaged. Our troth had been plighted,
+  Not by moonbeam or starbeam, by fountain or grove,
+  But in a front parlor, most brilliantly lighted,
+  Beneath the gas-fixtures, we whispered our love.
+  Without any romance, or raptures, or sighs,
+  Without any tears in Miss Flora's blue eyes,
+  Or blushes, or transports, or such silly actions,
+  It was one of the quietest business transactions,
+  With a very small sprinkling of sentiment, if any,
+  And a very large diamond imported by Tiffany.
+  On her virginal lips, while I printed a kiss,
+  She exclaimed, as a sort of parenthesis,
+  And by way of putting me quite at my ease,
+  "You know I'm to polka as much as I please,
+  And flirt when I like--now, stop, don't you speak--
+  And you must not come here more than twice in the week,
+  Or talk to me either at party or ball,
+  But always be ready to come when I call;
+  So don't prose to me about duty and stuff,
+  If we don't break this off, there will be time enough
+  For that sort of thing; but the bargain must be
+  That, as long as I choose, I am perfectly free--
+  For this is a kind of engagement, you see,
+  Which is binding on you, but not binding on me."
+
+  Well, having thus wooed Miss M'Flimsey and gained her,
+  With the silks, crinolines, and hoops that contained her,
+  I had, as I thought, a contingent remainder
+  At least in the property, and the best right
+  To appear as its escort by day and by night;
+  And it being the week of the Stuckups' grand ball--
+    Their cards had been out a fortnight or so,
+    And set all the Avenue on the tiptoe--
+  I considered it only my duty to call,
+    And see if Miss Flora intended to go.
+  I found her--as ladies are apt to be found,
+  When the time intervening between the first sound
+  Of the bell and the visitor's entry is shorter
+  Than usual--I found; I won't say--I caught her,
+  Intent on the pier-glass, undoubtedly meaning
+  To see if perhaps it didn't need cleaning.
+  She turned as I entered--"Why, Harry, you sinner,
+  I thought that you went to the Flashers' to dinner!"
+  "So I did," I replied; "the dinner is swallowed,
+    And digested, I trust, for 'tis now nine and more,
+  So, being relieved from that duty, I followed
+    Inclination, which led me, you see, to your door;
+  And now will your ladyship so condescend
+  As just to inform me if you intend
+  Your beauty, and graces, and presence to lend
+  (All of which, when I own, I hope no one will borrow)
+  To the Stuckups', whose party, you know, is to-morrow?"
+  The fair Flora looked up, with a pitiful air,
+  And answered quite promptly, "Why, Harry, _mon cher_,
+  I should like above all things to go with you there,
+  But really and truly--I've nothing to wear."
+  "Nothing to wear! Go just as you are;
+  Wear the dress you have on, and you'll be by far,
+  I engage, the most bright and particular star
+    On the Stuckup horizon----" I stopped, for her eye,
+  Notwithstanding this delicate onset of flattery,
+  Opened on me at once a most terrible battery
+    Of scorn and amazement. She made no reply,
+  But gave a slight turn to the end of her nose
+    (That pure Grecian feature), as much as to say,
+  "How absurd that any sane man should suppose
+  That a lady would go to a ball in the clothes,
+    No matter how fine, that she wears every day!"
+  So I ventured again: "Wear your crimson brocade;"
+  (Second turn up of nose)--"That's too dark by a shade."
+  "Your blue silk"--"That's too heavy." "Your pink"--"That's too light."
+  "Wear tulle over satin"--"I can't endure white."
+  "Your rose-colored, then, the best of the batch"--
+  "I haven't a thread of point-lace to match."
+  "Your brown _moire antique_"--"Yes, and look like a Quaker."
+  "The pearl-colored"--"I would, but that plaguy dressmaker
+  Has had it a week." "Then that exquisite lilac,
+  In which you would melt the heart of a Shylock;"
+  (Here the nose took again the same elevation)--
+  "I wouldn't wear that for the whole of creation."
+    "Why not? It's my fancy, there's nothing could strike it
+  As more _comme it faut_"--"Yes, but, dear me, that lean
+    Sophronia Stuckup has got one just like it,
+  And I won't appear dressed like a chit of sixteen."
+  "Then that splendid purple, the sweet Mazarine;
+  That superb _point d'aiguille_, that imperial green,
+  That zephyr-like tarletan, that rich _grenadine_"--
+  "Not one of all which is fit to be seen,"
+  Said the lady, becoming excited and flushed.
+  "Then wear," I exclaimed, in a tone which quite crushed
+  Opposition, "that gorgeous _toilette_ which you sported
+  In Paris last spring, at the grand presentation,
+  When you quite turned the head of the head of the nation,
+    And by all the grand court were so very much courted."
+    The end of the nose was portentously tipped up
+  And both the bright eyes shot forth indignation,
+  As she burst upon me with the fierce exclamation,
+  "I have worn it three times, at the least calculation,
+    And that and most of my dresses are ripped up!"
+  Here I _ripped out_ something, perhaps rather rash,
+    Quite innocent, though; but to use an expression
+  More striking than classic, it "settled my hash,"
+    And proved very soon the last act of our session.
+  "Fiddlesticks, is it, sir? I wonder the ceiling
+  Doesn't fall down and crush you--you men have no feeling;
+  You selfish, unnatural, illiberal creatures,
+  Who set yourselves up as patterns and preachers,
+  Your silly pretense--why, what a mere guess it is!
+  Pray, what do you know of a woman's necessities?
+  I have told you and shown you I've nothing to wear,
+  And it's perfectly plain you not only don't care,
+  But you do not believe me" (here the nose went still higher).
+  "I suppose, if you dared, you would call me a liar.
+  Our engagement is ended, sir--yes, on the spot;
+  You're a brute, and a monster, and--I don't know what."
+  I mildly suggested the words Hottentot,
+  Pickpocket, and cannibal, Tartar, and thief,
+  As gentle expletives which might give relief;
+  But this only proved as a spark to the powder,
+  And the storm I had raised came faster and louder;
+  It blew and it rained, thundered, lightened and hailed
+  Interjections, verbs, pronouns, till language quite failed
+  To express the abusive, and then its arrears
+  Were brought up all at once by a torrent of tears,
+  And my last faint, despairing attempt at an obs-
+  Ervation was lost in a tempest of sobs.
+
+  Well, I felt for the lady, and felt for my hat, too,
+  Improvised on the crown of the latter a tattoo,
+  In lieu of expressing the feelings which lay
+  Quite too deep for words, as Wordsworth would say;
+  Then, without going through the form of a bow,
+  Found myself in the entry--I hardly know how,
+  On doorstep and sidewalk, past lamp-post and square,
+  At home and upstairs, in my own easy-chair;
+    Poked my feet into slippers, my fire into blaze,
+  And said to myself, as I lit my cigar,
+  "Supposing a man had the wealth of the Czar
+    Of the Russias to boot, for the rest of his days,
+  On the whole, do you think he would have much to spare,
+  If he married a woman with nothing to wear?"
+
+  Since that night, taking pains that it should not be bruited
+  Abroad in society, I've instituted
+  A course of inquiry, extensive and thorough,
+  On this vital subject, and find, to my horror,
+  That the fair Flora's case is by no means surprising,
+    But that there exists the greatest distress
+  In our female community, solely arising
+    From this unsupplied destitution of dress,
+  Whose unfortunate victims are filling the air
+  With the pitiful wail of "Nothing to wear."
+
+  Researches in some of the "Upper Ten" districts
+  Reveal the most painful and startling statistics,
+  Of which let me mention only a few:
+  In one single house on the Fifth Avenue,
+  Three young ladies were found, all below twenty-two,
+  Who have been three whole weeks without anything new
+  In the way of flounced silks, and thus left in the lurch,
+  Are unable to go to ball, concert or church.
+  In another large mansion near the same place
+  Was found a deplorable, heartrending case
+  Of entire destitution of Brussels point-lace.
+  In a neighboring block there was found, in three calls,
+  Total want, long continued, of camel's-hair shawls;
+  And a suffering family, whose case exhibits
+  The most pressing need of real ermine tippets;
+  One deserving young lady almost unable
+  To survive for the want of a new Russian sable;
+  Still another, whose tortures have been most terrific
+  Ever since the sad loss of the steamer _Pacific_,
+  In which were engulfed, not friend or relation
+  (For whose fate she, perhaps, might have found consolation,
+  Or borne it, at least, with serene resignation),
+  But the choicest assortment of French sleeves and collars
+  Ever sent out from Paris, worth thousands of dollars,
+  And all as to style most _recherche_ and rare,
+  The want of which leaves her with nothing to wear,
+  And renders her life so drear and dyspeptic
+  That she's quite a recluse, and almost a skeptic,
+  For she touchingly says that this sort of grief
+  Cannot find in Religion the slightest relief,
+  And Philosophy has not a maxim to spare
+  For the victims of such overwhelming despair.
+  But the saddest, by far, of all these sad features,
+  Is the cruelty practised upon the poor creatures
+  By husbands and fathers, real Bluebeards and Timons,
+  Who resist the most touching appeals made for diamonds
+  By their wives and their daughters, and leave them for days
+  Unsupplied with new jewelry, fans or bouquets,
+  Even laugh at their miseries whenever they have a chance,
+  And deride their demands as useless extravagance.
+  One case of a bride was brought to my view,
+  Too sad for belief, but alas! 'twas too true,
+  Whose husband refused, as savage as Charon,
+  To permit her to take more than ten trunks to Sharon.
+  The consequence was, that when she got there,
+  At the end of three weeks she had nothing to wear;
+  And when she proposed to finish the season
+  At Newport, the monster refused, out and out,
+  For his infamous conduct alleging no reason,
+  Except that the waters were good for his gout;
+  Such treatment as this was too shocking, of course,
+  And proceedings are now going on for divorce.
+
+  But why harrow the feelings by lifting the curtain
+  From these scenes of woe? Enough, it is certain,
+  Has here been disclosed to stir up the pity
+  Of every benevolent heart in the city,
+  And spur up humanity into a canter
+  To rush and relieve these sad cases instanter.
+  Won't somebody, moved by this touching description,
+  Come forward to-morrow and head a subscription?
+  Won't some kind philanthropist, seeing that aid is
+  So needed at once by these indigent ladies,
+  Take charge of the matter? Or won't Peter Cooper
+  The corner-stone lay of some new splendid super-
+  Structure, like that which to-day links his name
+  In the Union unending of Honor and Fame,
+  And found a new charity just for the care
+  Of these unhappy women with nothing to wear,
+  Which, in view of the cash which would daily be claimed,
+  The _Laying-out_ Hospital well might be named?
+  Won't Stewart, or some of our dry-goods importers,
+  Take a contract for clothing our wives and our daughters?
+  Or, to furnish the cash to supply these distresses,
+  And life's pathway strew with shawls, collars and dresses,
+  Ere the want of them makes it much rougher and thornier,
+  Won't some one discover a new California?
+  O! ladies, dear ladies, the next sunny day,
+  Please trundle your hoops just out of Broadway,
+  From its swirl and its bustle, its fashion and pride
+  And the temples of Trade which tower on each side,
+  To the alleys and lanes, where Misfortune and Guilt
+  Their children have gathered, their city have built;
+  Where Hunger and Vice, like twin beasts of prey,
+    Have hunted their victims to gloom and despair;
+  Raise the rich, dainty dress, and the fine broidered skirt,
+  Pick your delicate way through the dampness and dirt.
+    Grope through the dark dens, climb the rickety stair
+  To the garret, where wretches, the young and the old,
+  Half starved and half naked, lie crouched from the cold;
+  See those skeleton limbs, those frost-bitten feet,
+  All bleeding and bruised by the stones of the street;
+  Hear the sharp cry of childhood, the deep groans that swell
+    From the poor dying creature who writhes on the floor;
+  Hear the curses that sound like the echoes of Hell,
+    As you sicken and shudder and fly from the door;
+  Then home to your wardrobes, and say, if you dare--
+  Spoiled children of fashion--you've nothing to wear!
+
+  And O! if perchance there should be a sphere
+  Where all is made right which so puzzles us here,
+  Where the glare and the glitter and tinsel of Time
+  Fade and die in the light of that region sublime,
+  Where the soul, disenchanted of flesh and of sense,
+  Unscreened by its trappings and shows and pretense,
+  Must be clothed for the life and the service above,
+  With purity, truth, faith, meekness and love,
+  O daughters of Earth! foolish virgins, beware!
+  Lest in that upper realm you have nothing to wear!
+
+
+A BOY'S ESSAY ON GIRLS
+
+"Girls are very stuckup and dignefied in their manner and behaveyour.
+They think more of dress than anything and like to play with dowls and
+rags. They cry if they see a cow in afar distance and are afraid of
+guns. They stay at home all the time and go to Church every Sunday. They
+are al-ways sick. They are al-ways funy and making fun of boys hands and
+they say how dirty. They cant play marbles. I pity them poor things.
+They make fun of boys and then turn round and love them. I dont beleave
+they ever kiled a cat or any thing. They look out every nite and say oh
+ant the moon lovely. Thir is one thing I have not told and that is they
+al-ways now their lessons bettern boys."
+
+
+
+
+HENRY WARD BEECHER
+
+
+DEACON MARBLE
+
+How they ever made a deacon out of Jerry Marble I never could imagine!
+His was the kindest heart that ever bubbled and ran over. He was
+elastic, tough, incessantly active, and a prodigious worker. He seemed
+never to tire, but after the longest day's toil, he sprang up the moment
+he had done with work, as if he were a fine steel spring. A few hours'
+sleep sufficed him, and he saw the morning stars the year round. His
+weazened face was leather color, but forever dimpling and changing to
+keep some sort of congruity between itself and his eyes, that winked and
+blinked and spilled over with merry good nature. He always seemed
+afflicted when obliged to be sober. He had been known to laugh in
+meeting on several occasions, although he ran his face behind his
+handkerchief, and coughed, as if _that_ was the matter, yet nobody
+believed it. Once, in a hot summer day, he saw Deacon Trowbridge, a
+sober and fat man, of great sobriety, gradually ascending from the
+bodily state into that spiritual condition called sleep. He was
+blameless of the act. He had struggled against the temptation with the
+whole virtue of a deacon. He had eaten two or three heads of fennel in
+vain, and a piece of orange peel. He had stirred himself up, and fixed
+his eyes on the minister with intense firmness, only to have them grow
+gradually narrower and milder. If he held his head up firmly, it would
+with a sudden lapse fall away over backward. If he leaned it a little
+forward, it would drop suddenly into his bosom. At each nod, recovering
+himself, he would nod again, with his eyes wide open, to impress upon
+the boys that he did it on purpose both times.
+
+In what other painful event of life has a good man so little sympathy as
+when overcome with sleep in meeting time? Against the insidious
+seduction he arrays every conceivable resistance. He stands up awhile;
+he pinches himself, or pricks himself with pins. He looks up helplessly
+to the pulpit as if some succor might come thence. He crosses his legs
+uncomfortably, and attempts to recite the catechism or the
+multiplication table. He seizes a languid fan, which treacherously
+leaves him in a calm. He tries to reason, to notice the phenomena. Oh,
+that one could carry his pew to bed with him! What tossing wakefulness
+there! what fiery chase after somnolency! In his lawful bed a man cannot
+sleep, and in his pew he cannot keep awake! Happy man who does not sleep
+in church! Deacon Trowbridge was not that man. Deacon Marble was!
+
+Deacon Marble witnessed the conflict we have sketched above, and when
+good Mr. Trowbridge gave his next lurch, recovering himself with a
+snort, and then drew out a red handkerchief and blew his nose with a
+loud imitation, as if to let the boys know that he had not been asleep,
+poor Deacon Marble was brought to a sore strait. But I have reason to
+think that he would have weathered the stress if it had not been for a
+sweet-faced little boy in the front of the gallery. The lad had been
+innocently watching the same scene, and at its climax laughed out loud,
+with a frank and musical explosion, and then suddenly disappeared
+backward into his mother's lap. That laugh was just too much, and Deacon
+Marble could no more help laughing than could Deacon Trowbridge help
+sleeping. Nor could he conceal it. Though he coughed and put up his
+handkerchief and hemmed--it _was_ a laugh--Deacon!--and every boy in the
+house knew it, and liked you better for it--so inexperienced were
+they.--_Norwood._
+
+
+THE DEACON'S TROUT
+
+He was a curious trout. I believe he knew Sunday just as well as Deacon
+Marble did. At any rate, the Deacon thought the trout meant to aggravate
+him. The Deacon, you know, is a little waggish. He often tells about
+that trout. Says he: "One Sunday morning, just as I got along by the
+willows, I heard an awful splash, and not ten feet from shore I saw the
+trout, as long as my arm, just curving over like a bow and going down
+with something for breakfast. Gracious says I, and I almost jumped out
+of the wagon. But my wife Polly, says she, 'What on airth are you
+thinkin' of, Deacon? It's Sabbath day, and you're goin' to meetin'! It's
+a pretty business for a deacon!' That sort o' cooled me off. But I do
+say that, for about a minute, I wished I wasn't a deacon. But 'twouldn't
+make any difference, for I came down next day to mill on purpose, and I
+came down once or twice more, and nothin' was to be seen, tho' I tried
+him with the most temptin' things. Wal, next Sunday I came along agin,
+and, to save my life I couldn't keep off worldly and wanderin' thoughts.
+I tried to be sayin' my catechism, but I couldn't keep my eyes off the
+pond as we came up to the willows. I'd got along in the catechism, as
+smooth as the road, to the Fourth Commandment, and was sayin' it out
+loud for Polly, and jist as I was sayin': '_What is required in the
+Fourth Commandment?_' I heard a splash, and there was the trout, and,
+afore I could think, I said: 'Gracious, Polly, I must have that trout.'
+She almost riz right up, 'I knew you wa'n't sayin' your catechism
+hearty. Is this the way you answer the question about keepin' the Lord's
+day? I'm ashamed, Deacon Marble,' says she. 'You'd better change your
+road, and go to meetin' on the road over the hill. If I was a deacon, I
+wouldn't let a fish's tail whisk the whole catechism out of my head;'
+and I had to go to meetin' on the hill road all the rest of the
+summer."--_Norwood._
+
+
+THE DOG NOBLE AND THE EMPTY HOLE
+
+The first summer which we spent in Lenox we had along a very intelligent
+dog, named Noble. He was learned in many things, and by his dog-lore
+excited the undying admiration of all the children. But there were some
+things which Noble could never learn. Having on one occasion seen a red
+squirrel run into a hole in a stone wall, he could not be persuaded that
+he was not there forevermore.
+
+Several red squirrels lived close to the house, and had become familiar,
+but not tame. They kept up a regular romp with Noble. They would come
+down from the maple trees with provoking coolness; they would run along
+the fence almost within reach; they would cock their tails and sail
+across the road to the barn; and yet there was such a well-timed
+calculation under all this apparent rashness, that Noble invariably
+arrived at the critical spot just as the squirrel left it.
+
+On one occasion Noble was so close upon his red-backed friend that,
+unable to get up the maple tree, the squirrel dodged into a hole in the
+wall, ran through the chinks, emerged at a little distance, and sprang
+into the tree. The intense enthusiasm of the dog at that hole can hardly
+be described. He filled it full of barking. He pawed and scratched as if
+undermining a bastion. Standing off at a little distance, he would
+pierce the hole with a gaze as intense and fixed as if he were trying
+magnetism on it. Then, with tail extended, and every hair thereon
+electrified, he would rush at the empty hole with a prodigious
+onslaught.
+
+This imaginary squirrel haunted Noble night and day. The very squirrel
+himself would run up before his face into the tree, and, crouched in a
+crotch, would sit silently watching the whole process of bombarding the
+empty hole, with great sobriety and relish. But Noble would allow of no
+doubts. His conviction that that hole had a squirrel in it continued
+unshaken for six weeks. When all other occupations failed, this hole
+remained to him. When there were no more chickens to harry, no pigs to
+bite, no cattle to chase, no children to romp with, no expeditions to
+make with the grown folks, and when he had slept all that his dogskin
+would hold, he would walk out of the yard, yawn and stretch himself, and
+then look wistfully at the hole, as if thinking to himself, "Well, as
+there is nothing else to do, I may as well try that hole again!"--_Eyes
+and Ears._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+N. P. Willis was usually the life of the company he happened to be in.
+His repartee at Mrs. Gales's dinner in Washington is famous. Mrs. Gales
+wrote on a card to her niece, at the other end of the table: "Don't
+flirt so with Nat Willis." She was herself talking vivaciously to a Mr.
+Campbell. Willis wrote the niece's reply:
+
+  "Dear aunt, don't attempt my young feelings to trammel.
+  Nor strain at a Nat while you swallow a Campbell."
+
+
+OLD GRIMES
+
+  Old Grimes is dead; that good old man
+    We never shall see more:
+  He used to wear a long, black coat,
+    All button'd down before.
+
+  His heart was open as the day,
+    His feelings all were true:
+  His hair was some inclined to gray--
+    He wore it in a queue.
+
+  Whene'er he heard the voice of pain,
+    His breast with pity burn'd:
+  The large, round head upon his cane
+    From ivory was turn'd.
+
+  Kind words he ever had for all;
+    He knew no base design:
+  His eyes were dark and rather small,
+    His nose was aquiline.
+
+  He lived at peace with all mankind,
+    In friendship he was true:
+  His coat had pocket-holes behind,
+    His pantaloons were blue.
+
+  Unharm'd, the sin which earth pollutes
+    He pass'd securely o'er,
+  And never wore a pair of boots
+    For thirty years or more.
+
+  But good old Grimes is now at rest,
+    Nor fears misfortune's frown:
+  He wore a double-breasted vest--
+    The stripes ran up and down.
+
+  He modest merit sought to find,
+    And pay it its desert:
+  He had no malice in his mind,
+    No ruffles on his shirt.
+
+  His neighbors he did not abuse--
+    Was sociable and gay:
+  He wore large buckles on his shoes.
+    And changed them every day.
+
+  His knowledge, hid from public gaze,
+    He did not bring to view,
+  Nor made a noise, town-meeting days,
+    As many people do.
+
+  His worldly goods he never threw
+    In trust to fortune's chances,
+  But lived (as all his brothers do)
+    In easy circumstances.
+
+  Thus undisturb'd by anxious cares.
+    His peaceful moments ran;
+  And everybody said he was
+    A fine old gentleman.
+
+
+
+
+ALBERT GORTON GREENE.
+
+
+IDENTIFIED
+
+Nathaniel Hawthorne was a kind-hearted man as well as a great novelist.
+While he was consul at Liverpool a young Yankee walked into his office.
+The boy had left home to seek his fortune, but evidently hadn't found it
+yet, although he had crossed the sea in his search. Homesick,
+friendless, nearly penniless, he wanted a passage home. The clerk said
+Mr. Hawthorne could not be seen, and intimated that the boy was not
+American, but was trying to steal a passage. The boy stuck to his point,
+and the clerk at last went to the little room and said to Mr. Hawthorne:
+"Here's a boy who insists upon seeing you. He says he is an American,
+but I know he isn't." Hawthorne came out of the room and looked keenly
+at the eager, ruddy face of the boy. "You want a passage to America?"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"And you say you're an American?"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"From what part of America?"
+
+"United States, sir."
+
+"What State?"
+
+"New Hampshire, sir."
+
+"Town?"
+
+"Exeter, sir."
+
+Hawthorne looked at him for a minute before asking him the next
+question. "Who sold the best apples in your town?"
+
+"Skim-milk Folsom, sir," said the boy, with glistening eye, as the old
+familiar by-word brought up the dear old scenes of home.
+
+"It's all right," said Hawthorne to the clerk; "give him a passage."
+
+
+ONE BETTER
+
+Long after the victories of Washington over the French and English had
+made his name familiar to all Europe, Doctor Franklin chanced to dine
+with the English and French Ambassadors, when, as nearly as the precise
+words can be recollected, the following toasts were drunk:
+
+"England'--The _Sun_, whose bright beams enlighten and fructify the
+remotest corners of the earth."
+
+The French Ambassador, filled with national pride, but too polite to
+dispute the previous toast, drank the following:
+
+"France'--The _Moon_, whose mild, steady and cheering rays are the
+delight of all nations, consoling them in darkness and making their
+dreariness beautiful."
+
+Doctor Franklin then arose, and, with his usual dignified simplicity,
+said:
+
+"George Washington'--The Joshua who commanded the Sun and Moon to stand
+still, and they obeyed him."
+
+
+MY AUNT
+
+  My aunt! my dear unmarried aunt!
+    Long years have o'er her flown;
+  Yet still she strains the aching clasp
+    That binds her virgin zone;
+  I know it hurts her--though she looks
+    As cheerful as she can;
+  Her waist is ampler than her life,
+    For life is but a span.
+
+  My aunt, my poor deluded aunt!
+    Her hair is almost gray;
+  Why will she train that winter curl
+    In such a spring-like way?
+  How can she lay her glasses down,
+    And say she reads as well,
+  When, through a double convex lens,
+    She just makes out to spell?
+
+  Her father--grandpapa! forgive
+    This erring lip its smiles--
+  Vowed she would make the finest girl
+    Within a hundred miles.
+  He sent her to a stylish school;
+    'Twas in her thirteenth June;
+  And with her, as the rules required,
+    "Two towels and a spoon."
+
+  They braced my aunt against a board,
+    To make her straight and tall;
+  They laced her up, they starved her down,
+    To make her light and small;
+  They pinched her feet, they singed her hair,
+    They screwed it up with pins--
+  O never mortal suffered more
+    In penance for her sins.
+
+  So, when my precious aunt was done,
+    My grandsire brought her back
+  (By daylight, lest some rabid youth
+    Might follow on the track);
+  "Ah!" said my grandsire, as he shook
+    Some powder in his pan,
+  "What could this lovely creature do
+    Against a desperate man!"
+
+  Alas! nor chariot, nor barouche,
+    Nor bandit cavalcade
+  Tore from the trembling father's arms
+    His all-accomplished maid.
+  For her how happy had it been!
+    And Heaven had spared to me
+  To see one sad, ungathered rose
+    On my ancestral tree.
+
+  OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES.
+
+
+
+
+N. P. WILLIS
+
+
+MISS ALBINA McLUSH
+
+I have a passion for fat women. If there is anything I hate in life, it
+is what dainty people call a _spirituelle_. Motion--rapid motion--a
+smart, quick, squirrel-like step, a pert, voluble tone--in short, a
+lively girl--is my exquisite horror! I would as lief have a _diable
+petit_ dancing his infernal hornpipe on my cerebellum as to be in the
+room with one. I have tried before now to school myself into liking
+these parched peas of humanity. I have followed them with my eyes, and
+attended to their rattle till I was as crazy as a fly in a drum. I have
+danced with them, and romped with them in the country, and periled the
+salvation of my "white tights" by sitting near them at supper. I swear
+off from this moment. I do. I won't--no--hang me if ever I show another
+small, lively, _spry_ woman a civility.
+
+Albina McLush is divine. She is like the description of the Persian
+beauty by Hafiz: "Her heart is full of passion and her eyes are full of
+sleep." She is the sister of Lurly McLush, my old college chum, who, as
+early as his sophomore year, was chosen president of the _Dolce far
+niente_ Society--no member of which was ever known to be surprised at
+anything--(the college law of rising before breakfast excepted). Lurly
+introduced me to his sister one day, as he was lying upon a heap of
+turnips, leaning on his elbow with his head in his hand, in a green lane
+in the suburbs. He had driven over a stump, and been tossed out of his
+gig, and I came up just as he was wondering how in the D----l's name he
+got there! Albina sat quietly in the gig, and when I was presented,
+requested me, with a delicious drawl, to say nothing about the
+adventure--it would be so troublesome to relate it to everybody! I loved
+her from that moment. Miss McLush was tall, and her shape, of its kind,
+was perfect. It was not a _fleshy_ one exactly, but she was large and
+full. Her skin was clear, fine-grained and transparent; her temples and
+forehead perfectly rounded and polished, and her lips and chin swelling
+into a ripe and tempting pout, like the cleft of a bursted apricot. And
+then her eyes--large, liquid and sleepy--they languished beneath their
+long black fringes as if they had no business with daylight--like two
+magnificent dreams, surprised in their jet embryos by some bird-nesting
+cherub. Oh! it was lovely to look into them!
+
+She sat, usually, upon a _fauteuil_, with her large, full arm embedded
+in the cushion, sometimes for hours without stirring. I have seen the
+wind lift the masses of dark hair from her shoulders when it seemed like
+the coming to life of a marble Hebe--she had been motionless so long.
+She was a model for a goddess of sleep as she sat with her eyes half
+closed, lifting up their superb lids slowly as you spoke to her, and
+dropping them again with the deliberate motion of a cloud, when she had
+murmured out her syllable of assent. Her figure, in a sitting posture,
+presented a gentle declivity from the curve of her neck to the instep of
+the small round foot lying on its side upon the ottoman. I remember a
+fellow's bringing her a plate of fruit one evening. He was one of your
+lively men--a horrid monster, all right angles and activity. Having
+never been accustomed to hold her own plate, she had not well extricated
+her whole fingers from her handkerchief before he set it down in her
+lap. As it began to slide slowly toward her feet, her hand relapsed into
+the muslin folds, and she fixed her eye upon it with a kind of indolent
+surprise, drooping her lids gradually till, as the fruit scattered over
+the ottoman, they closed entirely, and a liquid jet line was alone
+visible through the heavy lashes. There was an imperial indifference in
+it worthy of Juno.
+
+Miss McLush rarely walks. When she does, it is with the deliberate
+majesty of a Dido. Her small, plump feet melt to the ground like
+snowflakes; and her figure sways to the indolent motion of her limbs
+with a glorious grace and yieldingness quite indescribable. She was
+idling slowly up the Mall one evening just at twilight, with a servant
+at a short distance behind her, who, to while away the time between his
+steps, was employing himself in throwing stones at the cows feeding
+upon the Common. A gentleman, with a natural admiration for her splendid
+person, addressed her. He might have done a more eccentric thing.
+Without troubling herself to look at him, she turned to her servant and
+requested him, with a yawn of desperate ennui, to knock that fellow
+down! John obeyed his orders; and, as his mistress resumed her lounge,
+picked up a new handful of pebbles, and tossing one at the nearest cow,
+loitered lazily after.
+
+Such supreme indolence was irresistible. I gave in--I--who never
+before could summon energy to sigh--I--to whom a declaration was
+but a synonym for perspiration--I--who had only thought of love
+as a nervous complaint, and of women but to pray for a good
+deliverance--I--yes--I--knocked under. Albina McLush! Thou wert too
+exquisitely lazy. Human sensibilities cannot hold out forever.
+
+I found her one morning sipping her coffee at twelve, with her eyes wide
+open. She was just from the bath, and her complexion had a soft, dewy
+transparency, like the cheek of Venus rising from the sea. It was the
+hour, Lurly had told me, when she would be at the trouble of thinking.
+She put away with her dimpled forefinger, as I entered, a cluster of
+rich curls that had fallen over her face, and nodded to me like a
+water-lily swaying to the wind when its cup is full of rain.
+
+"Lady Albina," said I, in my softest tone, "how are you?"
+
+"Bettina," said she, addressing her maid in a voice as clouded and rich
+as the south wind on an AEolian, "how am I to-day?"
+
+The conversation fell into short sentences. The dialogue became a
+monologue. I entered upon my declaration. With the assistance of
+Bettina, who supplied her mistress with cologne, I kept her attention
+alive through the incipient circumstances. Symptoms were soon told. I
+came to the avowal. Her hand lay reposing on the arm of the sofa, half
+buried in a muslin _foulard_. I took it up and pressed the cool soft
+fingers to my lips--unforbidden. I rose and looked into her eyes for
+confirmation. Delicious creature! she was asleep!
+
+I never have had courage to renew the subject. Miss McLush seems to have
+forgotten it altogether. Upon reflection, too, I'm convinced she would
+not survive the excitement of the ceremony--unless, indeed, she should
+sleep between the responses and the prayer. I am still devoted, however,
+and if there should come a war or an earthquake, or if the millennium
+should commence, as is expected in 18----, or if anything happens that
+can keep her waking so long, I shall deliver a declaration, abbreviated
+for me by a scholar-friend of mine, which, he warrants, may be
+articulated in fifteen minutes--without fatigue.
+
+
+A SMACK IN SCHOOL
+
+  A district school, not far away,
+  'Mid Berkshire's hills, one winter's day,
+  Was humming with its wonted noise
+  Of threescore mingled girls and boys;
+  Some few upon their tasks intent,
+  But more on furtive mischief bent.
+  The while the master's downward look
+  Was fastened on a copy-book;
+  When suddenly, behind his back,
+  Rose sharp and clear a rousing smack!
+  As 'twere a battery of bliss
+  Let off in one tremendous kiss!
+  "What's that?" the startled master cries;
+  "That, thir," a little imp replies,
+  "Wath William Willith, if you pleathe----
+  I thaw him kith Thuthanna Peathe!"
+  With frown to make a statue thrill,
+  The master thundered, "Hither, Will!"
+  Like wretch o'ertaken in his track,
+  With stolen chattels on his back,
+  Will hung his head in fear and shame,
+  And to the awful presence came----
+  A great, green, bashful simpleton,
+  The butt of all good-natured fun.
+  With smile suppressed, and birch upraised,
+  The thunderer faltered--"I'm amazed
+  That you, my biggest pupil, should
+  Be guilty of an act so rude!
+  Before the whole set school to boot----
+  What evil genius put you to't?"
+  "'Twas she herself, sir," sobbed the lad;
+  "I did not mean to be so bad;
+  But when Susannah shook her curls,
+  And whispered, I was 'fraid of girls
+  And dursn't kiss a baby's doll,
+  I couldn't stand it, sir, at all,
+  But up and kissed her on the spot!
+  I know--boo--hoo--I ought to not,
+  But, somehow, from her looks--boo--hoo----
+  I thought she kind o' wished me to!"
+
+  WILLIAM PITT PALMER.
+
+
+A RENDITION
+
+Two old British sailors were talking over their shore experience. One
+had been to a cathedral and had heard some very fine music, and was
+descanting particularly upon an anthem which gave him much pleasure. His
+shipmate listened for awhile, and then said:
+
+"I say, Bill, what's a hanthem?"
+
+"What," replied Bill, "do you mean to say you don't know what a hanthem
+is?"
+
+"Not me."
+
+"Well, then, I'll tell yer. If I was to tell yer, 'Ere, Bill, give me
+that 'andspike,' that wouldn't be a hanthem;' but was I to say, 'Bill,
+Bill, giv, giv, give me, give me that, Bill, give me, give me that hand,
+handspike, hand, handspike, spike, spike, spike, ah-men, ahmen. Bill,
+givemethat-handspike, spike, ahmen!' why, that would be a hanthem."
+
+
+
+
+B. P. SHILLABER ("Mrs. Partington")
+
+
+FANCY DISEASES
+
+"Diseases is very various," said Mrs. Partington, as she returned from a
+street-door conversation with Doctor Bolus. "The Doctor tells me that
+poor old Mrs. Haze has got two buckles on her lungs! It is dreadful to
+think of, I declare. The diseases is so various! One way we hear of
+people's dying of hermitage of the lungs; another way, of the brown
+creatures; here they tell us of the elementary canal being out of order,
+and there about tonsors of the throat; here we hear of neurology in the
+head, there, of an embargo; one side of us we hear of men being killed
+by getting a pound of tough beef in the sarcofagus, and there another
+kills himself by discovering his jocular vein. Things change so that I
+declare I don't know how to subscribe for any diseases nowadays. New
+names and new nostrils takes the place of the old, and I might as well
+throw my old herb-bag away."
+
+Fifteen minutes afterward Isaac had that herb-bag for a target, and
+broke three squares of glass in the cellar window in trying to hit it,
+before the old lady knew what he was about. She didn't mean exactly what
+she said.
+
+
+BAILED OUT
+
+"So, our neighbour, Mr. Guzzle, has been arranged at the bar for
+drunkardice," said Mrs. Partington; and she sighed as she thought of his
+wife and children at home, with the cold weather close at hand, and the
+searching winds intruding through the chinks in the windows, and waving
+the tattered curtain like a banner, where the little ones stood
+shivering by the faint embers. "God forgive him, and pity them!" said
+she, in a tone of voice tremulous with emotion.
+
+"But he was bailed out," said Ike, who had devoured the residue of the
+paragraph, and laid the paper in a pan of liquid custard that the dame
+was preparing for Thanksgiving, and sat swinging the oven door to and
+fro as if to fan the fire that crackled and blazed within.
+
+"Bailed out, was he?" said she; "well, I should think it would have been
+cheaper to have pumped him out, for, when our cellar was filled, arter
+the city fathers had degraded the street, we had to have it pumped out,
+though there wasn't half so much in it as he has swilled down."
+
+She paused and reached up on the high shelves of the closet for her pie
+plates, while Ike busied himself in tasting the various preparations.
+The dame thought that was the smallest quart of sweet cider she had ever
+seen.
+
+
+SEEKING A COMET
+
+It was with an anxious feeling that Mrs. Partington, having smoked her
+specs, directed her gaze toward the western sky, in quest of the
+tailless comet of 1850.
+
+"I can't see it," said she; and a shade of vexation was perceptible in
+the tone of her voice. "I don't think much of this explanatory system,"
+continued she, "that they praise so, where the stars are mixed up so
+that _I_ can't tell Jew Peter from Satan, nor the consternation of the
+Great Bear from the man in the moon. 'Tis all dark to me. I don't
+believe there is any comet at all. Who ever heard of a comet without a
+tail, I should like to know? It isn't natural; but the printers will
+make a tale for it fast enough, for they are always getting up comical
+stories."
+
+With a complaint about the falling dew, and a slight murmur of
+disappointment, the dame disappeared behind a deal door like the moon
+behind a cloud.
+
+
+GOING TO CALIFORNIA
+
+"Dear me!" exclaimed Mrs. Partington sorrowfully, "how much a man will
+bear, and how far he will go, to get the soddered dross, as Parson
+Martin called it when he refused the beggar a sixpence for fear it might
+lead him into extravagance! Everybody is going to California and Chagrin
+arter gold. Cousin Jones and the three Smiths have gone; and Mr. Chip,
+the carpenter, has left his wife and seven children and a blessed old
+mother-in-law, to seek his fortin, too. This is the strangest yet, and I
+don't see how he could have done it; it looks so ongrateful to treat
+Heaven's blessings so lightly. But there, we are told that the love of
+money is the root of all evil, and how true it is! for they are now
+rooting arter it, like pigs arter ground-nuts. Why, it is a perfect
+money mania among everybody!"
+
+And she shook her head doubtingly, as she pensively watched a small mug
+of cider, with an apple in it, simmering by the winter fire. She was
+somewhat fond of a drink made in this way.
+
+
+MRS. PARTINGTON IN COURT
+
+"I took my knitting-work and went up into the gallery," said Mrs.
+Partington, the day after visiting one of the city courts; "I went up
+into the gallery, and after I had adjusted my specs, I looked down into
+the room, but I couldn't see any courting going on. An old gentleman
+seemed to be asking a good many impertinent questions--just like some
+old folks--and people were sitting around making minutes of the
+conversation. I don't see how they made out what was said, for they all
+told different stories. How much easier it would be to get along if they
+were all made to tell the same story! What a sight of trouble it would
+save the lawyers! The case, as they call it, was given to the jury, but
+I couldn't see it, and a gentleman with a long pole was made to swear
+that he'd keep an eye on 'em, and see that they didn't run away with it.
+Bimeby in they came again, and they said somebody was guilty of
+something, who had just said he was innocent, and didn't know nothing
+about it no more than the little baby that had never subsistence. I come
+away soon afterward; but I couldn't help thinking how trying it must be
+to sit there all day, shut out from the blessed air!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Apropos of Superintendent Andrews's reported objection to the singing of
+the "Recessional" in the Chicago public schools on the ground that the
+atheists might be offended, the _Chicago Post_ says:
+
+For the benefit of our skittish friends, the atheists, and in order not
+to deprive the public-school children of the literary beauties of
+certain poems that may be classed by Doctor Andrews as "hymns," we
+venture to suggest this compromise, taking a few lines in illustration
+from our National anthem:
+
+    "Our fathers' God--assuming purely for the
+    sake of argument that there is a God--to Thee,
+    Author of liberty--with apologies to our friends,
+    the atheists--
+
+    To Thee I sing--but we needn't mean it, you
+    know.
+
+    Long may our land be bright,
+
+    With freedom's holy light;
+
+    Protect us by Thy might--remember, this is
+    purely hypothetical----
+
+    Great God--again assuming that there is a God--our
+    king--simply an allegorical phrase and
+    not intended offensively to any taxpayer."
+
+
+
+
+OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES
+
+
+THE DEACON'S MASTERPIECE; Or, the Wonderful "One-hoss Shay"
+
+  A LOGICAL STORY
+
+  Have you heard of the wonderful one-hoss shay
+  That was built in such a logical way,
+  It ran a hundred years to a day,
+  And then, of a sudden, it--ah, but stay,
+  I'll tell you what happened without delay,
+  Scaring the parson into fits,
+  Frightening people out of their wits----
+  Have you ever heard of that, I say?
+
+  Seventeen hundred and fifty-five.
+  _Georgius Secundus_ was then alive----
+  Snuffy old drone from the German hive.
+  That was the year when Lisbon-town
+  Saw the earth open and gulp her down,
+  And Braddock's army was done so brown,
+  Left without a scalp to its crown.
+  It was on the terrible Earthquake day
+  That the Deacon finished the one-hoss shay.
+
+  Now in building of chaises, I tell you what,
+  There is always _somewhere_ a weakest spot----
+  In hub, tire, felloe, in spring or thill,
+  In panel, or crossbar, or floor, or sill,
+  In screw, bolt, thoroughbrace--lurking still,
+  Find it somewhere you must and will----
+  Above or below, or within or without----
+  And that's the reason, beyond a doubt,
+  That a chaise _breaks down_, but doesn't _wear out_.
+
+  But the Deacon swore (as deacons do,
+  With an "I dew vum," or an "I tell _yeou_")
+  He would build one shay to beat the taown
+  'N' the keounty, 'n' all the kentry raoun';
+  It should be so built that it _couldn'_ break daown:
+  --"Fur," said the Deacon, "'t's mighty plain
+  Thut the weakes' place mus' stan' the strain;
+  'N' the way t' fix it, uz I maintain,
+             Is only jest
+  T' make that place uz strong uz the rest."
+
+  So the Deacon inquired of the village folk
+  Where he could find the strongest oak,
+  That couldn't be split nor bent nor broke----
+  That was for spokes and floor and sills;
+  He sent for lancewood to make the thills;
+  The crossbars were ash, from the straightest trees,
+  The panels of white-wood, that cuts like cheese,
+  But lasts like iron for things like these;
+  The hubs of logs from the "Settler's ellum"----
+  Last of its timber--they couldn't sell 'em,
+  Never an ax had seen their chips,
+  And the wedges flew from between their lips,
+  Their blunt ends frizzled like celery-tips;
+  Step and prop-iron, bolt and screw,
+  Spring, tire, axle, and linchpin, too,
+  Steel of the finest, bright and blue;
+  Thoroughbrace bison-skin, thick and wide;
+  Boot, top, dasher, from tough old hide
+  Found in the pit when the tanner died.
+  That was the way he "put her through"----
+  "There!" said the Deacon, "naow she'll dew!"
+
+  Do! I tell you, I rather guess
+  She was a wonder and nothing less!
+  Colts grew horses, beards turned gray,
+  Deacon and Deaconess dropped away,
+  Children and grandchildren--where were they?
+  But there stood the stout old one-hoss shay
+  As fresh as on Lisbon-earthquake day!
+
+  Eighteen hundred--it came and found
+  The Deacon's masterpiece strong and sound.
+  Eighteen hundred increased by ten----
+  "Hahnsum kerridge" they called it then.
+  Eighteen hundred and twenty came----
+  Running as usual; much the same.
+  Thirty and forty at last arrived,
+  And then come fifty, and FIFTY-FIVE.
+
+  Little of all we value here
+  Wakes on the morn of its hundredth year
+  Without both feeling and looking queer.
+  In fact, there's nothing that keeps its youth,
+  So far as I know, but a tree and truth.
+  (This is a moral that runs at large;
+  Take it--You're welcome--No extra charge.)
+
+  First of November--the Earthquake-day----
+  There are traces of age in the one-hoss shay,
+  A general flavor of mild decay,
+  But nothing local, as one may say.
+  There couldn't be--for the Deacon's art
+  Had made it so like in every part
+  That there wasn't a chance for one to start.
+  For the wheels were just as strong as the thills,
+  And the floor was just as strong as the sills,
+  And the panels just as strong as the floor,
+  And the whipple-tree neither less nor more,
+  And the back crossbar as strong as the fore,
+  And spring and axle and hub _encore_.
+  And yet, _as a whole_, it is past a doubt
+  In another hour it will be _worn out_!
+
+  First of November, 'Fifty-five!
+  This morning the parson takes a drive.
+  Now, small boys, get out of the way!
+  Here comes the wonderful one-hoss shay,
+  Drawn by a rat-tailed, ewe-necked bay.
+  "Huddup!" said the parson--Off went they.
+  The parson was working his Sunday's text----
+  Had got to _fifthly_, and stopped perplexed
+  At what the--Moses--was coming next.
+
+  All at once the horse stood still,
+  Close by the meet'n' house on the hill.
+  --First a shiver, and then a thrill,
+  Then something decidedly like a spill----
+  And the parson was sitting upon a rock,
+  At half-past nine by the meet'n'-house clock----
+  Just the hour of the Earthquake shock!
+  --What do you think the parson found,
+  When he got up and stared around?
+  The poor old chaise in a heap or mound,
+  As if it had been to the mill and ground!
+  You see, of course, if you're not a dunce,
+  How it went to pieces all at once----
+  All at once, and nothing first----
+  Just as bubbles do when they burst.
+
+  End of the wonderful one-hoss shay.
+  Logic is logic. That's all I say.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A certain learned professor in New York has a wife and family, but,
+professor-like, his thoughts are always with his books.
+
+One evening his wife, who had been out for some hours, returned to find
+the house remarkably quiet. She had left the children playing about, but
+now they were nowhere to be seen.
+
+She demanded to be told what had become of them, and the professor
+explained that, as they had made a good deal of noise, he had put them
+to bed without waiting for her or calling a maid.
+
+"I hope they gave you no trouble," she said.
+
+"No," replied the professor, "with the exception of the one in the cot
+here. He objected a good deal to my undressing him and putting him to
+bed."
+
+The wife went to inspect the cot.
+
+"Why," she exclaimed, "that's little Johnny Green, from next door."
+
+
+FIVE LIVES
+
+  Five mites of monads dwelt in a round drop
+  That twinkled on a leaf by a pool in the sun.
+  To the naked eye they lived invisible;
+  Specks, for a world of whom the empty shell
+  Of a mustard-seed had been a hollow sky.
+
+  One was a meditative monad, called a sage;
+  And, shrinking all his mind within, he thought:
+  "Tradition, handed down for hours and hours,
+  Tells that our globe, this quivering crystal world,
+  Is slowly dying. What if, seconds hence
+  When I am very old, yon shimmering doom
+  Comes drawing down and down, till all things end?"
+  Then with a wizen smirk he proudly felt
+  No other mote of God had ever gained
+  Such giant grasp of universal truth.
+
+  One was a transcendental monad; thin
+  And long and slim of mind; and thus he mused:
+  "Oh, vast, unfathomable monad-souls!
+  Made in the image"--a hoarse frog croaks from the pool,
+  "Hark! 'twas some god, voicing his glorious thought
+  In thunder music. Yea, we hear their voice,
+  And we may guess their minds from ours, their work.
+  Some taste they have like ours, some tendency
+  To wriggle about, and munch a trace of scum."
+  He floated up on a pin-point bubble of gas
+  That burst, pricked by the air, and he was gone.
+
+  One was a barren-minded monad, called
+  A positivist; and he knew positively;
+  "There was no world beyond this certain drop.
+  Prove me another! Let the dreamers dream
+  Of their faint gleams, and noises from without,
+  And higher and lower; life is life enough."
+  Then swaggering half a hair's breadth hungrily,
+  He seized upon an atom of bug, and fed.
+
+  One was a tattered monad, called a poet;
+  And with a shrill voice ecstatic thus he sang:
+  "Oh, little female monad's lips!
+  Oh, little female monad's eyes!
+  Ah, the little, little, female, female monad!"
+  The last was a strong-minded monadess,
+  Who dashed amid the infusoria,
+  Danced high and low, and wildly spun and dove,
+  Till the dizzy others held their breath to see.
+
+  But while they led their wondrous little lives
+  AEonian moments had gone wheeling by,
+  The burning drop had shrunk with fearful speed:
+  A glistening film--'twas gone; the leaf was dry.
+  The little ghost of an inaudible squeak
+  Was lost to the frog that goggled from his stone;
+  Who, at the huge, slow tread of a thoughtful ox
+  Coming to drink, stirred sideways fatly, plunged,
+  Launched backward twice, and all the pool was still.
+
+  EDWARD ROWLAND SILL.
+
+
+
+
+JAMES T. FIELDS
+
+
+THE OWL-CRITIC
+
+A Lesson to Fault-finders
+
+  "Who stuffed that white owl?" No one spoke in the shop:
+  The barber was busy, and he couldn't stop;
+  The customers, waiting their turns, were all reading
+  The _Daily_, the _Herald_, the _Post_, little heeding
+  The young man who blurted out such a blunt question;
+  Not one raised a head or even made a suggestion;
+                          And the barber kept on shaving.
+
+  "Don't you see, Mister Brown,"
+  Cried the youth, with a frown,
+  "How wrong the whole thing is,
+  How preposterous each wing is,
+  How flattened the head is, how jammed down the neck is--
+  In short, the whole owl, what an ignorant wreck 'tis!
+  I make no apology;
+  I've learned owl-eology.
+  I've passed days and nights in a hundred collections,
+  And cannot be blinded to any deflections
+  Arising from unskilful fingers that fail
+  To stuff a bird right, from his beak to his tail.
+  Mister Brown! Mister Brown!
+  Do take that bird down,
+  Or you'll soon be the laughing-stock all over town!"
+                        And the barber kept on shaving.
+
+  "I've _studied_ owls,
+  And other night fowls,
+  And I tell you
+  What I know to be true:
+  An owl cannot roost
+  With his limbs so unloosed;
+  No owl in this world
+  Ever had his claws curled,
+  Ever had his legs slanted,
+  Ever had his bill canted,
+  Ever had his neck screwed
+  Into that attitude.
+  He can't _do_ it, because
+  'Tis against all bird-laws
+  Anatomy teaches,
+  Ornithology preaches
+  An owl has a toe
+  That _can't_ turn out so!
+  I've made the white owl my study for years,
+  And to see such a job almost moves me to tears!
+  Mister Brown, I'm amazed
+  You should be so gone crazed
+  As to put up a bird
+  In that posture absurd!
+  To _look_ at that owl really brings on a dizziness;
+  The man who stuffed _him_ don't half know his business!"
+                      And the barber kept on shaving.
+
+  "Examine those eyes.
+  I'm filled with surprise
+  Taxidermists should pass
+  Off on you such poor glass;
+  So unnatural they seem
+  They'd make Audubon scream,
+  And John Burroughs laugh
+  To encounter such chaff.
+  Do take that bird down;
+  Have him stuffed again, Brown!"
+                      And the barber kept on shaving.
+
+  "With some sawdust and bark
+  I would stuff in the dark
+  An owl better than that;
+  I could make an old hat
+  Look more like an owl
+  Than that horrid fowl,
+  Stuck up there so stiff like a side of coarse leather.
+  In fact, about _him_ there's not one natural feather."
+
+  Just then, with a wink and a sly normal lurch,
+  The owl, very gravely, got down from his perch,
+  Walked round, and regarded his fault-finding critic
+  (Who thought he was stuffed) with a glance analytic,
+  And then fairly hooted, as if he should say:
+  "Your learning's at fault _this_ time, anyway;
+  Don't waste it again on a live bird, I pray.
+  I'm an owl; you're another. Sir Critic, good-day!"
+                     And the barber kept on shaving.
+
+
+A CAUSE FOR THANKS
+
+A country parson, in encountering a storm the past season in the voyage
+across the Atlantic, was reminded of the following: A clergyman was so
+unfortunate as to be caught in a severe gale in the voyage out. The
+water was exceedingly rough, and the ship persistently buried her nose
+in the sea. The rolling was constant, and at last the good man got
+thoroughly frightened. He believed they were destined for a watery
+grave. He asked the captain if he could not have prayers. The captain
+took him by the arm and led him down to the forecastle, where the tars
+were singing and swearing. "There," said he, "when you hear them
+swearing, you may know there is no danger." He went back feeling better,
+but the storm increased his alarm. Disconsolate and unassisted, he
+managed to stagger to the forecastle again. The ancient mariners were
+swearing as ever. "Mary," he said to his sympathetic wife, as he crawled
+into his berth after tacking across a wet deck, "Mary, thank God they're
+swearing yet."
+
+
+
+
+JOHN HAY
+
+
+LITTLE BREECHES
+
+  I don't go much on religion,
+    I never ain't had no show;
+  But I've got a middlin' tight grip, sir,
+    On the handful o' things I know.
+  I don't pan out on the prophets
+    And free-will and that sort of thing----
+  But I b'lieve in God and the angels,
+     Ever sence one night last spring.
+
+  I come into town with some turnips,
+    And my little Gabe come along----
+  No four-year-old in the county
+    Could beat him for pretty and strong,
+  Peart and chipper and sassy,
+    Always ready to swear and fight----
+  And I'd larnt him to chaw terbacker
+    Jest to keep his milk-teeth white.
+
+  The snow come down like a blanket
+    As I passed by Taggart's store;
+  I went in for a jug of molasses
+    And left the team at the door.
+  They scared at something and started----
+    I heard one little squall,
+  And hell-to-split over the prairie
+    Went team, Little Breeches and all.
+
+  Hell-to-split over the prairie!
+    I was almost froze with skeer;
+  But we rousted up some torches,
+    And sarched for 'em far and near.
+  At last we struck horses and wagon,
+    Snowed under a soft white mound,
+  Upsot, dead beat--but of little Gabe
+    Nor hide nor hair was found.
+
+  And here all hope soured on me,
+    Of my fellow-critter's aid----
+  I jest flopped down on my marrow-bones,
+    Crotch-deep in the snow, and prayed.
+
+  By this, the torches was played out,
+    And me and Isrul Parr
+  Went off for some wood to a sheepfold
+    That he said was somewhar thar.
+
+  We found it at last, and a little shed
+  Where they shut up the lambs at night.
+  We looked in and seen them huddled thar,
+    So warm and sleepy and white;
+  And THAR sot Little Breeches, and chirped,
+    As peart as ever you see:
+  "I want a chaw of terbacker,
+    And that's what's the matter of me."
+
+  How did he git thar? Angels.
+    He could never have walked in that storm;
+  They jest scooped down and toted him
+    To whar it was safe and warm.
+
+  And I think that saving a little child,
+    And bringing him to his own,
+  Is a derned sight better business
+    Than loafing around The Throne.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Artemus Ward, when in London, gave a children's party. One of John
+Bright's sons was invited, and returned home radiant. "Oh, papa," he
+explained, on being asked whether he had enjoyed himself, "indeed I did.
+And Mr. Browne gave me such a nice name for you, papa."
+
+"What was that?"
+
+"Why, he asked me how that gay and festive cuss, the governor, was!"
+replied the boy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was on a train going through Indiana. Among the passengers were a
+newly married couple, who made themselves known to such an extent that
+the occupants of the car commenced passing sarcastic remarks about them.
+The bride and groom stood the remarks for some time, but finally the
+latter, who was a man of tremendous size, broke out in the following
+language at his tormenters: "Yes, we're married--just married. We are
+going 160 miles farther, and I am going to 'spoon' all the way. If you
+don't like it, you can get out and walk. She's my violet and I'm her
+sheltering oak."
+
+During the remainder of the journey they were left in peace.
+
+
+
+
+HENRY W. SHAW ("Josh Billings")
+
+
+NATRAL AND UNNATRAL ARISTOKRATS
+
+Natur furnishes all the nobleman we hav.
+
+She holds the pattent.
+
+Pedigree haz no more to do in making a man aktually grater than he iz,
+than a pekok's feather in his hat haz in making him aktually taller.
+
+This iz a hard phakt for some tew learn.
+
+This mundane earth iz thik with male and femail ones who think they are
+grate bekause their ansesstor waz luckey in the sope or tobacco trade;
+and altho the sope haz run out sumtime since, they try tew phool
+themselves and other folks with the suds.
+
+Sope-suds iz a prekarious bubble.
+
+Thare ain't nothing so thin on the ribs az a sope-suds aristokrat.
+
+When the world stands in need ov an aristokrat, natur pitches one into
+it, and furnishes him papers without enny flaw in them.
+
+Aristokrasy kant be transmitted--natur sez so--in the papers.
+
+Titles are a plan got up bi humans tew assist natur in promulgating
+aristokrasy.
+
+Titles ain't ov enny more real use or necessity than dog collars are.
+
+I hav seen dog collars that kost 3 dollars on dogs that wan't worth, in
+enny market, over 87-1/2 cents.
+
+This iz a grate waste of collar; and a grate damage tew the dog.
+
+Natur don't put but one ingredient into her kind ov aristokrasy, and
+that iz virtew.
+
+She wets up the virtew, sumtimes, with a little pepper sass, just tew
+make it lively.
+
+She sez that all other kinds are false; and i beleave natur.
+
+I wish every man and woman on earth waz a bloated aristokrat--bloated
+with virtew.
+
+Earthly manufaktured aristokrats are made principally out ov munny.
+
+Forty years ago it took about 85 thousand dollars tew make a good-sized
+aristokrat, and innokulate his family with the same disseaze, but it
+takes now about 600 thousand tew throw the partys into fits.
+
+Aristokrasy, like of the other bred stuffs, haz riz.
+
+It don't take enny more virtew tew make an aristokrat now, nor clothes,
+than it did in the daze ov Abraham.
+
+Virtew don't vary.
+
+Virtew is the standard ov values.
+
+Clothes ain't.
+
+Titles ain't.
+
+A man kan go barefoot and be virtewous, and be an aristokrat.
+
+Diogoneze waz an aristokrat.
+
+His brown-stun front waz a tub, and it want on end, at that.
+
+Moneyed aristokrasy iz very good to liv on in the present hi kondishun
+ov kodphis and wearing apparel, provided yu see the munny, but if the
+munny kind of tires out and don't reach yu, and you don't git ennything
+but the aristokrasy, you hay got to diet, that's all.
+
+I kno ov thousands who are now dieting on aristokrasy.
+
+They say it tastes good.
+
+I presume they lie without knowing it.
+
+Not enny ov this sort ov aristokrasy for Joshua Billings.
+
+I never should think ov mixing munny and aristokrasy together; i will
+take mine seperate, if yu pleze.
+
+I don't never expekt tew be an aristokrat, nor an angel; i don't kno az
+i want tew be one.
+
+I certainly should make a miserable angel.
+
+I certainly never shall hav munny enuff tew make an aristokrat.
+
+Raizing aristokrats iz a dredful poor bizzness; yu don't never git your
+seed back.
+
+One democrat iz worth more tew the world than 60 thousand manufaktured
+aristokrats.
+
+An Amerikan aristokrat iz the most ridikilus thing in market. They are
+generally ashamed ov their ansesstors; and, if they hav enny, and live
+long enuff, they generally hav cauze tew be ashamed ov their posterity.
+
+I kno ov sevral familys in Amerika who are trieing tew liv on their
+aristokrasy. The money and branes giv out sumtime ago.
+
+It iz hard skratching for them.
+
+Yu kan warm up kold potatoze and liv on them, but yu kant warm up
+aristokratik pride and git even a smell.
+
+Yu might az well undertake tew raze a krop ov korn in a deserted
+brikyard by manuring the ground heavy with tanbark.
+
+Yung man, set down, and keep still--yu will hay plenty ov chances yet to
+make a phool ov yureself before yu die.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is told of an old Baptist parson, famous in Virginia, that he once
+visited a plantation where the colored servant who met him at the gate
+asked which barn he would have his horse put in.
+
+"Have you two barns?" asked the minister.
+
+"Yes, sah," replied the servant; "dar's de old barn, and Mas'r Wales has
+jest built a new one."
+
+"Where do you usually put the horses of clergymen who come to see your
+master?"
+
+"Well, sah, if dey's Methodist or Baptist we gen'ally puts 'em in de ole
+barn, but if dey's 'Piscopals we puts 'em in the new one."
+
+"Well, Bob, you can put my horse in the new barn; I'm a Baptist, but my
+horse is an Episcopalian."
+
+
+
+
+JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL
+
+
+THE YANKEE RECRUIT
+
+Mister Buckinum, the follerin Billet was writ hum by a Yung feller of
+our town that wuz cussed fool enuff to goe a-trottin inter Miss Chiff
+arter a Drum and fife. It ain't Nater for a feller to let on that he's
+sick o' any bizness that he went intu off his own free will and a Cord,
+but I rather cal'late he's middlin tired o' voluntearin By this time. I
+bleeve yu may put dependunts on his statemence. For I never heered
+nothin bad on him let Alone his havin what Parson Wilbur cals a
+_pongshong_ for cocktales, and ses it wuz a soshiashun of idees sot him
+agoin arter the Crootin Sargient cos he wore a cocktale onto his hat.
+
+His Folks gin the letter to me and I shew it to parson Wilbur and he ses
+it oughter Bee printed, send It to mister Buckinum, ses he, i don't
+ollers agree with him, ses he, but by Time, ses he, I _du_ like a feller
+that ain't a Feared.
+
+I have intusspussed a Few refleckshuns hear and thair. We're kind o'
+prest with Hayin.
+                            Ewers respecfly,
+
+                                    HOSEA BIGLOW.
+
+  This kind o' sogerin' aint a mite like our October trainin',
+  A chap could clear right out from there ef't only looked like rainin'.
+  An' th' Cunnles, tu, could kiver up their shappoes with bandanners,
+  An' sen the insines skootin' to the barroom with their banners
+  (Fear o' gittin' on 'em spotted), an' a feller could cry quarter,
+  Ef he fired away his ramrod artur tu much rum an' water.
+  Recollect wut fun we hed, you'n I on' Ezry Hollis,
+  Up there to Waltham plain last fall, ahavin' the Cornwallis?
+  This sort o' thing aint _jest_ like thet--I wished thet I wuz furder--
+  Nimepunce a day fer killin' folks comes kind o' low for murder
+  (Wy I've worked out to slarterin' some fer Deacon Cephas Billins,
+  An' in the hardest times there wuz I ollers teched ten shillins),
+  There's sutthin' gits into my throat thet makes it hard to swaller,
+  It comes so nateral to think about a hempen collar;
+  It's glory--but, in spite o' all my tryin' to git callous,
+  I feel a kind o' in a cart, aridin' to the gallus.
+  But wen it comes to _bein'_ killed--I tell ye I felt streaked
+  The fust time ever I found out wy baggonets wuz peaked;
+  Here's how it wuz: I started out to go to a fan-dango,
+  The sentinul he ups an' sez "Thet's furder 'an you can go."
+  "None o' your sarse," sez I; sez he, "Stan' back!" "Aint you a buster?"
+  Sez I, "I'm up to all thet air, I guess I've ben to muster;
+  I know wy sentinuls air sot; you aint agoin' to eat us;
+  Caleb haint no monopoly to court the scenoreetas;
+  My folks to hum hir full ez good ez hisn be, by golly!"
+  An' so ez I wuz goin' by, not thinkin' wut would folly,
+  The everlastin' cus he stuck his one-pronged pitchfork in me
+  An' made a hole right thru my close ez ef I was an in'my.
+  Wal, it beats all how big I felt hoorawin' in old Funnel
+  Wen Mister Bolles he gin the sword to our Leftenant Cunnle
+  (It's Mister Secondary Bolles, thet writ the prize peace essay;
+  Thet's wy he didn't list himself along o' us, I dessay).
+  An' Rantoul, tu, talked pooty loud, but don't put _his_ foot in it,
+  Coz human life's so sacred thet he's principled agin' it----
+  Though I myself can't rightly see it's any wus achokin' on 'em
+  Than puttin' bullets thru their lights, or with a bagnet pokin' on 'em;
+  How dreffle slick he reeled it off (like Blitz at our lyceam
+  Ahaulin' ribbins from his chops so quick you skeercely see 'em),
+  About the Anglo-Saxon race (an' saxons would be handy
+  To du the buryin' down here upon the Rio Grandy),
+  About our patriotic pas an' our star-spangled banner,
+  Our country's bird alookin' on an' singin' out hosanner,
+  An' how he (Mister B---- himself) wuz happy fer Ameriky----
+  I felt, ez sister Patience sez, a leetle mite histericky.
+  I felt, I swon, ez though it wuz a dreffle kind o' privilege
+  Atrampin' round thru Boston streets among the gutter's drivelage;
+  I act'lly thought it wuz a treat to hear a little drummin',
+  An' it did bonyfidy seem millanyum wuz a-comin';
+  Wen all on us gots suits (darned like them wore in the state prison),
+  An' every feller felt ez though all Mexico was hisn.
+  This 'ere's about the meanest place a skunk could wal diskiver
+  (Saltillo's Mexican, I b'lieve, fer wut we call Salt river).
+  The sort o' trash a feller gits to eat doos beat all nater,
+  I'd give a year's pay fer a smell o' one good blue-nose tater;
+  The country here thet Mister Bolles declared to be so charmin'
+  Throughout is swarmin' with the most alarmin' kind o' varmin'.
+  He talked about delishes froots, but then it was a wopper all,
+  The holl on't 's mud an' prickly pears, with here an' there a chapparal;
+  You see a feller peekin' out, an', fust you know, a lariat
+  Is round your throat an' you a copse, 'fore you can say, "Wut air ye at?"
+  You never see sech darned gret bugs (it may not be irrelevant
+  To say I've seen a _scarabaeus pilularius_[A] big ez a year old elephant),
+  The rigiment come up one day in time to stop a red bug
+  From runnin' off with Cunnle Wright--'twuz jest a common
+    _cimex lectularius_.
+  One night I started up on eend an thought I wuz to hum agin,
+  I heern a horn, thinks I it's Sol the fisherman hez come agin,
+  _His_ bellowses is sound enough--ez I'm a livin' creeter,
+  I felt a thing go thru my leg--'twuz nothin' more 'n a skeeter!
+  Then there's the yeller fever, tu, they call it here _el vomito_--
+  (Come, thet wun't du, you landcrab there, I tell ye to le' go my toe!
+  My gracious! it's a scorpion thet's took a shine to play with 't,
+  I darsn't skeer the tarnel thing fer fear he'd run away with 't).
+  Afore I came away from hum I hed a strong persuasion
+  Thet Mexicans worn't human beans--an ourang outang nation,
+  A sort o' folks a chap could kill an' never dream on't arter,
+  No more'n a feller'd dream o' pigs thet he had hed to slarter;
+  I'd an idee thet they were built arter the darkie fashion all,
+  And kickin' colored folks about, you know, 's a kind o' national;
+  But wen I jined I won't so wise ez thet air queen o' Sheby,
+  Fer, come to look at 'em, they aint much diff'rent from wut we be,
+  An' here we air ascrougin' 'em out o' thir own dominions,
+  Ashelterin' 'em, ez Caleb sez, under our eagle's pinions,
+  Wich means to take a feller up jest by the slack o' 's trowsis
+  An' walk him Spanish clean right out o' all his homes and houses;
+  Wal, it does seem a curus way, but then hooraw fer Jackson!
+  It must be right, fer Caleb sez it's reg'lar Anglo-Saxon.
+  The Mex'cans don't fight fair, they say, they piz'n all the water,
+  An' du amazin' lots o' things thet isn't wut they ough' to;
+  Bein' they haint no lead, they make their bullets out o' copper
+  An' shoot the darned things at us, tu, wich Caleb sez ain't proper;
+  He sez they'd ough' to stan' right up an' let us pop 'em fairly
+  (Guess wen he ketches 'em at thet he'll hev to git up airly),
+  Thet our nation's bigger'n theirn an' so its rights air bigger,
+  An' thet it's all to make 'em free thet we air pullin' trigger,
+  Thet Anglo-Saxondom's idee's abreakin' 'em to pieces,
+  An' thet idee's thet every man doos jest wut he damn pleases;
+  Ef I don't make his meanin' clear, perhaps in some respex I can,
+  I know thet "every man" don't mean a nigger or a Mexican;
+  An' there's another thing I know, an' thet is, ef these creeturs,
+  Thet stick an Anglo-Saxon mask onto State prison feeturs,
+  Should come to Jalam Center fer to argify an' spout on 't,
+  The gals 'ould count the silver spoons the minnit they cleared out on 't.
+
+  This goin' ware glory waits ye haint one agreeable feetur,
+  And ef it worn't fer wakin' snakes, I'd home agin short meter;
+  O, wouldn't I be off, quick time, ef't worn't thet I wuz sartin
+  They'd let the daylight into me to pay me fer desartin!
+  I don't approve o' tellin' tales, but jest to you I may state
+  Our ossifers aint wut they wuz afore they left the Bay State;
+  Then it wuz "Mister Sawin, sir, you're midd'lin well now, be ye?
+  Step up an' take a nipper, sir; I'm dreffle glad to see ye;"
+  But now it's, "Ware's my eppylet? Here, Sawin, step an' fetch it!
+  An' mind your eye, be thund'rin spry, or damn ye, you shall ketch it!"
+  Wal, ez the Doctor sez, some pork will bile so, but by mighty,
+  Ef I hed some on 'em to hum, I'd give 'em linkumvity,
+  I'd play the rogue's march on their hides an' other music follerin'----
+  But I must close my letter here for one on 'em 's a hollerin',
+  These Anglosaxon ossifers--wal, taint no use a jawin',
+  I'm safe enlisted fer the war,
+
+                    Yourn,
+                        BIRDOFREDOM SAWIN.
+
+[Footnote A: it wuz "tumblebug" as he Writ it, but the parson put the
+Latten instid. i said tother maid better meeter, but he said tha was
+eddykated peepl to Boston and tha wouldn't stan' it no how, idnow as tha
+_wood_ and idnow _as_ tha wood.--H. B.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two dusky small boys were quarreling; one was pouring forth a volume of
+vituperous epithets, while the other leaned against a fence and calmly
+contemplated him. When the flow of language was exhausted he said:
+
+"Are you troo?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"You ain't got nuffin' more to say?"
+
+"Well, all dem tings what you called me, you is."
+
+
+
+
+CHARLES DUDLEY WARNER
+
+
+MY SUMMER IN A GARDEN
+
+SECOND WEEK
+
+Next to deciding when to start your garden, the most important matter is
+what to put in it. It is difficult to decide what to order for dinner on
+a given day: how much more oppressive is it to order in a lump an
+endless vista of dinners, so to speak! For, unless your garden is a
+boundless prairie (and mine seems to me to be that when I hoe it on hot
+days), you must make a selection, from the great variety of vegetables,
+of those you will raise in it; and you feel rather bound to supply your
+own table from your own garden, and to eat only as you have sown.
+
+I hold that no man has a right (whatever his sex, of course) to have a
+garden to his own selfish uses. He ought not to please himself, but
+every man to please his neighbor. I tried to have a garden that would
+give general moral satisfaction. It seemed to me that nobody could
+object to potatoes (a most useful vegetable); and I began to plant them
+freely. But there was a chorus of protest against them. "You don't want
+to take up your ground with potatoes," the neighbors said; "you can buy
+potatoes" (the very thing I wanted to avoid doing is buying things).
+"What you want is the perishable things that you cannot get fresh in the
+market." "But what kind of perishable things?" A horticulturist of
+eminence wanted me to sow lines of strawberries and raspberries right
+over where I had put my potatoes in drills. I had about five hundred
+strawberry plants in another part of my garden; but this fruit-fanatic
+wanted me to turn my whole patch into vines and runners. I suppose I
+could raise strawberries enough for all my neighbors; and perhaps I
+ought to do it. I had a little space prepared for melons--muskmelons,
+which I showed to an experienced friend. "You are not going to waste
+your ground on muskmelons?" he asked. "They rarely ripen in this climate
+thoroughly before frost." He had tried for years without luck. I
+resolved not to go into such a foolish experiment. But the next day
+another neighbor happened in. "Ah! I see you are going to have melons.
+My family would rather give up anything else in the garden than
+muskmelons--of the nutmeg variety. They are the most graceful things we
+have on the table." So there it was. There was no compromise; it was
+melons or no melons, and somebody offended in any case. I half resolved
+to plant them a little late, so that they would, and they wouldn't. But
+I had the same difficulty about string-beans (which I detest), and
+squash (which I tolerate), and parsnips, and the whole round of green
+things.
+
+I have pretty much come to the conclusion that you have got to put your
+foot down in gardening. If I had actually taken counsel of my friends, I
+should not have had a thing growing in the garden to-day but weeds. And
+besides, while you are waiting, Nature does not wait. Her mind is made
+up. She knows just what she will raise; and she has an infinite variety
+of early and late. The most humiliating thing to me about a garden is
+the lesson it teaches of the inferiority of man. Nature is prompt,
+decided, inexhaustible. She thrusts up her plants with a vigor and
+freedom that I admire; and the more worthless the plant, the more rapid
+and splendid its growth. She is at it early and late, and all night;
+never tiring, nor showing the least sign of exhaustion.
+
+"Eternal gardening is the price of liberty" is a motto that I should put
+over the gateway of my garden, if I had a gate. And yet it is not wholly
+true; for there is no liberty in gardening. The man who undertakes a
+garden is relentlessly pursued. He felicitates himself that, when he
+gets it once planted, he will have a season of rest and of enjoyment in
+the sprouting and growing of his seeds. It is a keen anticipation. He
+has planted a seed that will keep him awake nights, drive rest from his
+bones, and sleep from his pillow. Hardly is the garden planted, when he
+must begin to hoe it. The weeds have sprung up all over it in a night.
+They shine and wave in redundant life. The docks have almost gone to
+seed; and their roots go deeper than conscience. Talk about the London
+docks!--the roots of these are like the sources of the Aryan race. And
+the weeds are not all. I awake in the morning (and a thriving garden
+will wake a person up two hours before he ought to be out of bed) and
+think of the tomato-plants--the leaves like fine lace-work, owing to
+black bugs that skip around and can't be caught. Somebody ought to get
+up before the dew is off (why don't the dew stay on till after a
+reasonable breakfast?) and sprinkle soot on the leaves. I wonder if it
+is I. Soot is so much blacker than the bugs that they are disgusted and
+go away. You can't get up too early if you have a garden. You must be
+early due yourself, if you get ahead of the bugs. I think that, on the
+whole, it would be best to sit up all night and sleep daytimes. Things
+appear to go on in the night in the garden uncommonly. It would be less
+trouble to stay up than it is to get up so early.
+
+I have been setting out some new raspberries, two sorts--a silver and a
+gold color. How fine they will look on the table next year in a
+cut-glass dish, the cream being in a ditto pitcher! I set them four and
+five feet apart. I set my strawberries pretty well apart also. The
+reason is to give room for the cows to run through when they break into
+the garden--as they do sometimes. A cow needs a broader track than a
+locomotive; and she generally makes one. I am sometimes astonished to
+see how big a space in a flower-bed her foot will cover. The raspberries
+are called Doolittle and Golden Cap. I don't like the name of the first
+variety, and, if they do much, shall change it to Silver Top. You can
+never tell what a thing named Doolittle will do. The one in the Senate
+changed color and got sour. They ripen badly--either mildew or rot on
+the bush. They are apt to Johnsonize--rot on the stem. I shall watch the
+Doolittles.
+
+
+FOURTH WEEK
+
+Orthodoxy is at a low ebb. Only two clergymen accepted my offer to come
+and help hoe my potatoes for the privilege of using my vegetable
+total-depravity figure about the snake-grass, or quack-grass, as some
+call it; and those two did not bring hoes. There seems to be a lack of
+disposition to hoe among our educated clergy. I am bound to say that
+these two, however, sat and watched my vigorous combats with the weeds,
+and talked most beautifully about the application of the snake-grass
+figure. As, for instance, when a fault or sin showed on the surface of a
+man, whether, if you dug down, you would find that it ran back and into
+the original organic bunch of original sin within the man. The only
+other clergyman who came was from out of town--a half-Universalist, who
+said he wouldn't give twenty cents for my figure. He said that the
+snake-grass was not in my garden originally, that it sneaked in under
+the sod, and that it could be entirely rooted out with industry and
+patience. I asked the Universalist-inclined man to take my hoe and try
+it; but he said he hadn't time, and went away.
+
+But, _jubilate_, I have got my garden all hoed the first time! I feel as
+if I had put down the rebellion. Only there are guerrillas left here and
+there, about the borders and in corners, unsubdued--Forest docks, and
+Quantrell grass, and Beauregard pigweeds. This first hoeing is a
+gigantic task: it is your first trial of strength with the
+never-sleeping forces of Nature. Several times in its progress I was
+tempted to do as Adam did, who abandoned his garden on account of the
+weeds. (How much my mind seems to run upon Adam, as if there had been
+only two really moral gardens--Adam's and mine!) The only drawback to my
+rejoicing over the finishing of the first hoeing is, that the garden now
+wants hoeing a second time. I suppose if my garden were planted in a
+perfect circle, and I started round it with a hoe, I should never see an
+opportunity to rest. The fact is, that gardening is the old fable of
+perpetual labor; and I, for one, can never forgive Adam Sisyphus, or
+whoever it was, who let in the roots of discord. I had pictured myself
+sitting at eve with my family, in the shade of twilight, contemplating a
+garden hoed. Alas! it is a dream not to be realized in this world.
+
+My mind has been turned to the subject of fruit and shade trees in a
+garden. There are those who say that trees shade the garden too much
+and interfere with the growth of the vegetables. There may be something
+in this; but when I go down the potato rows, the rays of the sun
+glancing upon my shining blade, the sweat pouring from my face, I should
+be grateful for shade. What is a garden for? The pleasure of man. I
+should take much more pleasure in a shady garden. Am I to be sacrificed,
+broiled, roasted, for the sake of the increased vigor of a few
+vegetables? The thing is perfectly absurd. If I were rich, I think I
+would have my garden covered with an awning, so that it would be
+comfortable to work in it. It might roll up and be removable, as the
+great awning of the Roman Colosseum was--not like the Boston one, which
+went off in a high wind. Another very good way to do, and probably not
+so expensive as the awning, would be to have four persons of foreign
+birth carry a sort of canopy over you as you hoed. And there might be a
+person at each end of the row with some cool and refreshing drink.
+Agriculture is still in a very barbarous stage. I hope to live yet to
+see the day when I can do my gardening, as tragedy is done, to slow and
+soothing music, and attended by some of the comforts I have named. These
+things come so forcibly into my mind sometimes as I work, that perhaps,
+when a wandering breeze lifts my straw hat or a bird lights on a near
+currant-bush and shakes out a full-throated summer song, I almost expect
+to find the cooling drink and the hospitable entertainment at the end
+of the row. But I never do. There is nothing to be done but to turn
+round and hoe back to the other end.
+
+Speaking of those yellow squash-bugs, I think I disheartened them by
+covering the plants so deep with soot and wood-ashes that they could not
+find them; and I am in doubt if I shall ever see the plants again. But I
+have heard of another defense against the bugs. Put a fine wire screen
+over each hill, which will keep out the bugs and admit the rain. I
+should say that these screens would not cost much more than the melons
+you would be likely to get from the vines if you bought them; but then,
+think of the moral satisfaction of watching the bugs hovering over the
+screen, seeing but unable to reach the tender plants within. That is
+worth paying for.
+
+I left my own garden yesterday and went over to where Polly was getting
+the weeds out of one of her flower-beds. She was working away at the bed
+with a little hoe. Whether women ought to have the ballot or not (and I
+have a decided opinion on that point, which I should here plainly give
+did I not fear that it would injure my agricultural influence), I am
+compelled to say that this was rather helpless hoeing. It was patient,
+conscientious, even pathetic hoeing; but it was neither effective nor
+finished. When completed, the bed looked somewhat as if a hen had
+scratched it; there was that touching unevenness about it. I think no
+one could look at it and not be affected. To be sure, Polly smoothed it
+off with a rake and asked me if it wasn't nice; and I said it was. It
+was not a favorable time for me to explain the difference between
+puttering hoeing and the broad, free sweep of the instrument which kills
+the weeds, spares the plants, and loosens the soil without leaving it in
+holes and hills. But, after all, as life is constituted, I think more of
+Polly's honest and anxious care of her plants than of the most finished
+gardening in the world.
+
+
+SIXTH WEEK
+
+Somebody has sent me a new sort of hoe, with the wish that I should
+speak favorably of it, if I can consistently. I willingly do so, but
+with the understanding that I am to be at liberty to speak just as
+courteously of any other hoe which I may receive. If I understand
+religious morals, this is the position of the religious press with
+regard to bitters and wringing machines. In some cases, the
+responsibility of such a recommendation is shifted upon the wife of the
+editor or clergyman. Polly says she is entirely willing to make a
+certificate, accompanied with an affidavit, with regard to this hoe; but
+her habit of sitting about the garden walk on an inverted flower-pot
+while I hoe somewhat destroys the practical value of her testimony.
+
+As to this hoe, I do not mind saying that it has changed my view of the
+desirableness and value of human life. It has, in fact, made life a
+holiday to me. It is made on the principle that man is an upright,
+sensible, reasonable being, and not a groveling wretch. It does away
+with the necessity of the hinge in the back. The handle is seven and a
+half feet long. There are two narrow blades, sharp on both edges, which
+come together at an obtuse angle in front; and as you walk along with
+this hoe before you, pushing and pulling with a gentle motion, the weeds
+fall at every thrust and withdrawal, and the slaughter is immediate and
+widespread. When I got this hoe, I was troubled with sleepless mornings,
+pains in the back, kleptomania with regard to new weeders; when I went
+into my garden I was always sure to see something. In this disordered
+state of mind and body I got this hoe. The morning after a day of using
+it I slept perfectly and late. I regained my respect for the Eighth
+Commandment. After two doses of the hoe in the garden the weeds entirely
+disappeared. Trying it a third morning, I was obliged to throw it over
+the fence in order to save from destruction the green things that ought
+to grow in the garden. Of course, this is figurative language. What I
+mean is, that the fascination of using this hoe is such that you are
+sorely tempted to employ it upon your vegetables after the weeds are
+laid low, and must hastily withdraw it to avoid unpleasant results. I
+make this explanation because I intend to put nothing into these
+agricultural papers that will not bear the strictest scientific
+investigation; nothing that the youngest child cannot understand and cry
+for; nothing that the oldest and wisest men will not need to study with
+care.
+
+I need not add that the care of a garden with this hoe becomes the
+merest pastime. I would not be without one for a single night. The only
+danger is, that you may rather make an idol of the hoe, and somewhat
+neglect your garden in explaining it and fooling about with it. I almost
+think that, with one of these in the hands of an ordinary day-laborer,
+you might see at night where he had been working.
+
+Let us have peas. I have been a zealous advocate of the birds. I have
+rejoiced in their multiplication. I have endured their concerts at four
+o'clock in the morning without a murmur. Let them come, I said, and eat
+the worms, in order that we, later, may enjoy the foliage and the fruits
+of the earth. We have a cat, a magnificent animal, of the sex which
+votes (but not a pole-cat)--so large and powerful that if he were in the
+army he would be called Long Tom. He is a cat of fine disposition, the
+most irreproachable morals I ever saw thrown away in a cat, and a
+splendid hunter. He spends his nights, not in social dissipation, but in
+gathering in rats, mice, flying-squirrels, and also birds. When he first
+brought me a bird, I told him that it was wrong, and tried to convince
+him, while he was eating it, that he was doing wrong; for he is a
+reasonable cat, and understands pretty much everything except the
+binomial theorem and the time down the cycloidal arc. But with no
+effect. The killing of birds went on to my great regret and shame.
+
+The other day I went to my garden to get a mess of peas. I had seen the
+day before that they were just ready to pick. How I had lined the
+ground, planted, hoed, bushed them! The bushes were very fine--seven
+feet high, and of good wood. How I had delighted in the growing, the
+blowing, the podding! What a touching thought it was that they had all
+podded for me! When I went to pick them I found the pods all split open
+and the peas gone. The dear little birds, who are so fond of the
+strawberries, had eaten them all. Perhaps there were left as many as I
+planted; I did not count them. I made a rapid estimate of the cost of
+the seed, the interest of the ground, the price of labor, the value of
+the bushes, the anxiety of weeks of watchfulness. I looked about me on
+the face of nature. The wind blew from the south so soft and
+treacherous! A thrush sang in the woods so deceitfully! All nature
+seemed fair. But who was to give me back my peas? The fowls of the air
+have peas; but what has man?
+
+I went into the house. I called Calvin (that is the name of our cat,
+given him on account of his gravity, morality, and uprightness. We never
+familiarly call him John). I petted Calvin. I lavished upon him an
+enthusiastic fondness. I told him that he had no fault; that the one
+action that I had called a vice was an heroic exhibition of regard for
+my interest. I bade him go and do likewise continually. I now saw how
+much better instinct is than mere unguided reason. Calvin knew. If he
+had put his opinion into English (instead of his native catalogue), it
+would have been, "You need not teach your grandmother to suck eggs." It
+was only the round of nature. The worms eat a noxious something in the
+ground. The birds eat the worms. Calvin eats the birds. We eat--no, we
+do not eat Calvin. There the chain stops. When you ascend the scale of
+being, and come to an animal that is, like ourselves, inedible, you have
+arrived at a result where you can rest. Let us respect the cat: he
+completes an edible chain.
+
+I have little heart to discuss methods of raising peas. It occurs to me
+that I can have an iron pea-bush, a sort of trellis, through which I
+could discharge electricity at frequent intervals and electrify the
+birds to death when they alight; for they stand upon my beautiful bush
+in order to pick out the peas. An apparatus of this kind, with an
+operator, would cost, however, about as much as the peas. A neighbor
+suggests that I might put up a scarecrow near the vines, which would
+keep the birds away. I am doubtful about it; the birds are too much
+accustomed to seeing a person in poor clothes in the garden to care much
+for that. Another neighbor suggests that the birds do not open the pods;
+that a sort of blast, apt to come after rain, splits the pods, and the
+birds then eat the peas. It may be so. There seems to be complete unity
+of action between the blast and the birds. But good neighbors, kind
+friends, I desire that you will not increase, by talk, a disappointment
+which you cannot assuage.
+
+
+CROWDED
+
+Chauncey Depew says: In the Berkshire Hills there was a funeral, and as
+the friends and mourners gathered in the little parlor, there came the
+typical New England female who mingles curiosity with her sympathy, and,
+as she glanced around the darkened room, she said to the bereaved widow:
+
+"Where did you get that new eight-day clock?"
+
+"We ain't got no new eight-day clock," was the reply.
+
+"You ain't? What's that in the corner there?"
+
+"Why, no, that's not an eight-day clock; that's the deceased. We stood
+him on end to make room for the mourners."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A young wife who lost her husband by death telegraphed the sad tidings
+to her father in these succinct words: "Dear John died this morning at
+ten. Loss fully covered by insurance."
+
+
+THE ALARMED SKIPPER
+
+  "It was an Ancient Mariner"
+
+  Many a long, long year ago,
+  Nantucket skippers had a plan
+  Of finding out, though "lying low,"
+  How near New York their schooners ran.
+
+  They greased the lead before it fell,
+  And then, by sounding through the night,
+  Knowing the soil that stuck, so well,
+  They always guessed their reckoning right.
+
+  A skipper gray, whose eyes were dim,
+  Could tell, by _tasting_, just the spot,
+  And so below he'd "dowse the glim"--
+  After, of course, his "something hot."
+
+  Snug in his berth, at eight o'clock,
+  This ancient skipper might be found;
+  No matter how his craft would rock,
+  He slept--for skippers' naps are sound!
+
+  The watch on deck would now and then
+  Run down and wake him, with the lead;
+  He'd up, and taste, and tell the men
+  How many miles they went ahead.
+
+  One night, 'twas Jotham Marden's watch,
+  A curious wag--the peddler's son----
+  And so he mused (the wanton wretch),
+  "To-night I'll have a grain of fun.
+
+  "We're all a set of stupid fools
+  To think the skipper knows by _tasting_
+  What ground he's on--Nantucket schools
+  Don't teach such stuff, with all their basting!"
+
+  And so he took the well-greased lead
+  And rubbed it o'er a box of earth
+  That stood on deck--a parsnip-bed----
+  And then he sought the skipper's berth.
+
+  "Where are we now, sir? Please to taste."
+  The skipper yawned, put out his tongue,
+  Then ope'd his eyes in wondrous haste,
+  And then upon the floor he sprung!
+
+  The skipper stormed and tore his hair,
+  Thrust on his boots, and roared to Marden,
+  _"Nantucket's sunk, and here we are_
+  _Right over old Marm Hackett's garden!"_
+
+  JAMES T. FIELDS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WEDDING JOURNEY
+
+_He_: Dearest, if I had known this tunnel was so long, I'd have given
+you a jolly hug.
+
+_She_: Didn't you? Why, somebody did!
+
+
+
+
+OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES
+
+
+FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE
+
+Do I think that the particular form of lying often seen in newspapers
+under the title, "From Our Foreign Correspondent," does any harm? Why,
+no, I don't know that it does. I suppose it doesn't really deceive
+people any more than the "Arabian Nights" or "Gulliver's Travels" do.
+Sometimes the writers compile _too_ carelessly, though, and mix up facts
+out of geographies and stories out of the penny papers, so as to mislead
+those who are desirous of information. I cut a piece out of one of the
+papers the other day which contains a number of improbabilities and, I
+suspect, misstatements. I will send up and get it for you, if you would
+like to hear it. Ah, this is it; it is headed
+
+
+"OUR SUMATRA CORRESPONDENCE
+
+"This island is now the property of the Stamford family--having been
+won, it is said, in a raffle by Sir ---- Stamford, during the
+stock-gambling mania of the South Sea scheme. The history of this
+gentleman may be found in an interesting series of questions
+(unfortunately not yet answered) contained in the 'Notes and Queries.'
+This island is entirely surrounded by the ocean, which here contains a
+large amount of saline substance, crystallizing in cubes remarkable for
+their symmetry, and frequently displays on its surface, during calm
+weather, the rainbow tints of the celebrated South Sea bubbles. The
+summers are oppressively hot, and the winters very probably cold; but
+this fact cannot be ascertained precisely, as, for some peculiar reason,
+the mercury in these latitudes never shrinks, as in more northern
+regions, and thus the thermometer is rendered useless in winter.
+
+"The principal vegetable productions of the island are the pepper tree
+and the bread-fruit tree. Pepper being very abundantly produced, a
+benevolent society was organized in London during the last century for
+supplying the natives with vinegar and oysters, as an addition to that
+delightful condiment. (Note received from Dr. D. P.) It is said,
+however, that, as the oysters were of the kind called _natives_ in
+England, the natives of Sumatra, in obedience to a natural instinct,
+refused to touch them, and confined themselves entirely to the crew of
+the vessel in which they were brought over. This information was
+received from one of the oldest inhabitants, a native himself, and
+exceedingly fond of missionaries. He is said also to be very skilful in
+the _cuisine_ peculiar to the island.
+
+"During the season of gathering pepper, the persons employed are subject
+to various incommodities, the chief of which is violent and
+long-continued sternutation, or sneezing. Such is the vehemence of
+these attacks that the unfortunate subjects of them are often driven
+backward for great distances at immense speed, on the well-known
+principle of the aeolipile. Not being able to see where they are going,
+these poor creatures dash themselves to pieces against the rocks, or are
+precipitated over the cliffs, and thus many valuable lives are lost
+annually. As during the whole pepper harvest they feed exclusively on
+this stimulant, they become exceedingly irritable. The smallest injury
+is resented with ungovernable rage. A young man suffering from the
+_pepper-fever_, as it is called, cudgeled another most severely for
+appropriating a superannuated relative of trifling value, and was only
+pacified by having a present made him of a pig of that peculiar species
+of swine called the _Peccavi_ by the Catholic Jews, who, it is well
+known, abstain from swine's flesh in imitation of the Mohammedan
+Buddhists.
+
+"The bread tree grows abundantly. Its branches are well known to Europe
+and America under the familiar name of _maccaroni_. The smaller twigs
+are called _vermicelli_. They have a decided animal flavor, as may be
+observed in the soups containing them. Maccaroni, being tubular, is the
+favorite habitat of a very dangerous insect, which is rendered
+peculiarly ferocious by being boiled. The government of the island,
+therefore, never allows a stick of it to be exported without being
+accompanied by a piston with which its cavity may at any time be
+thoroughly swept out. These are commonly lost or stolen before the
+maccaroni arrives among us. It, therefore, always contains many of these
+insects, which, however, generally die of old age in the shops, so that
+accidents from this source are comparatively rare.
+
+"The fruit of the bread tree consists principally of hot rolls. The
+buttered-muffin variety is supposed to be a hybrid with the cocoanut
+palm, the cream found on the milk of the cocoanut exuding from the
+hybrid in the shape of butter, just as the ripe fruit is splitting, so
+as to fit it for the tea-table, where it is commonly served up with
+cold----"
+
+There--I don't want to read any more of it. You see that many of these
+statements are highly improbable. No, I shall not mention the
+paper.--_The Autocrat of the Breakfast Table._
+
+
+MUSIC-POUNDING
+
+The old Master was talking about a concert he had been to hear.
+
+--I don't like your chopped music anyway. That woman--she had more sense
+in her little finger than forty medical societies--Florence
+Nightingale--says that the music you _pour_ out is good for sick folks,
+and the music you _pound_ out isn't. Not that exactly, but something
+like it. I have been to hear some music-pounding. It was a young woman,
+with as many white muslin flounces round her as the planet Saturn has
+rings, that did it. She gave the music-stool a twirl or two and fluffed
+down on to it like a whirl of soap-suds in a hand-basin. Then she pushed
+up her cuffs as if she was going to fight for the champion's belt. Then
+she worked her wrists and her hands, to limber 'em, I suppose, and
+spread out her fingers till they looked as though they would pretty much
+cover the keyboard, from the growling end to the little squeaky one.
+Then those two hands of hers made a jump at the keys as if they were a
+couple of tigers coming down on a flock of black-and-white sheep, and
+the piano gave a great howl as if its tail had been trod on. Dead
+stop--so still you could hear your hair growing. Then another jump, and
+another howl, as if the piano had two tails and you had trod on both of
+'em at once, and then a grand clatter and scramble and string of jumps,
+up and down, back and forward, one hand over the other, like a stampede
+of rats and mice more than like anything I call music. I like to hear a
+woman sing, and I like to hear a fiddle sing, but these noises they
+hammer out of their wood-and-ivory anvils--don't talk to me; I know the
+difference between a bullfrog and a wood-thrush.--_The Poet at the
+Breakfast Table._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"That is rather a shabby pair of trousers you have on, for a man in your
+position."
+
+"Yes, sir; but clothes do not make the man. What if my trousers are
+shabby and worn? They cover a warm heart, sir."
+
+
+
+
+FREDERICK S. COZZENS
+
+
+LIVING IN THE COUNTRY
+
+It is a good thing to live in the country. To escape from the
+prison-walls of the metropolis--the great brickery we call "the
+city"--and to live amid blossoms and leaves, in shadow and sunshine, in
+moonlight and starlight, in rain, mist, dew, hoarfrost, and drought, out
+in the open campaign and under the blue dome that is bounded by the
+horizon only. It is a good thing to have a well with dripping buckets, a
+porch with honey-buds and sweet-bells, a hive embroidered with nimble
+bees, a sun-dial mossed over, ivy up to the eaves, curtains of dimity, a
+tumbler of fresh flowers in your bedroom, a rooster on the roof, and a
+dog under the piazza.
+
+When Mrs. Sparrowgrass and I moved into the country, with our heads full
+of fresh butter, and cool, crisp radishes for tea; with ideas entirely
+lucid respecting milk, and a looseness of calculation as to the number
+in family it would take a good laying hen to supply with fresh eggs
+every morning; when Mrs. Sparrowgrass and I moved into the country, we
+found some preconceived notions had to be abandoned, and some departures
+made from the plans we had laid down in the little back parlor of Avenue
+G.
+
+One of the first achievements in the country is early rising: with the
+lark--with the sun--while the dew is on the grass, "under the opening
+eye-lids of the morn," and so forth. Early rising! What can be done with
+five or six o'clock in town? What may not be done at those hours in the
+country? With the hoe, the rake, the dibble, the spade, the
+watering-pot? To plant, prune, drill, transplant, graft, train, and
+sprinkle! Mrs. S. and I agreed to rise _early_ in the country.
+
+  Richard and Robin were two pretty men,
+  They laid in bed till the clock struck ten;
+  Up jumped Richard and looked at the sky;
+  O, Brother Robin, the sun's _very_ high!
+
+Early rising in the country is not an instinct; it is a sentiment, and
+must be cultivated.
+
+A friend recommended me to send to the south side of Long Island for
+some very prolific potatoes--the real hippopotamus breed. Down went my
+man, and what, with expenses of horse-hire, tavern bills, toll-gates,
+and breaking a wagon, the hippopotami cost as much apiece as pineapples.
+They were fine potatoes, though, with comely features, and large,
+languishing eyes, that promised increase of family without delay. As I
+worked my own garden (for which I hired a landscape gardener at two
+dollars per day to give me instructions), I concluded that the object of
+my first experiment in early rising should be the planting of the
+hippopotamuses. I accordingly arose next morning at five, and it rained!
+I rose next day at five, and it rained! The next, and it rained! It
+rained for two weeks! We had splendid potatoes every day for dinner. "My
+dear," said I to Mrs. Sparrowgrass, "where did you get these fine
+potatoes?" "Why," said she, innocently, "out of that basket from Long
+Island!" The last of the hippopotamuses were before me, peeled, and
+boiled, and mashed, and baked, with a nice thin brown crust on the top.
+
+I was more successful afterward. I did get some fine seed-potatoes in
+the ground. But something was the matter; at the end of the season I did
+not get as many out as I had put in.
+
+Mrs. Sparrowgrass, who is a notable housewife, said to me one day, "Now,
+my dear, we shall soon have plenty of eggs, for I have been buying a lot
+of young chickens." There they were, each one with as many feathers as a
+grasshopper, and a chirp not louder. Of course, we looked forward with
+pleasant hopes to the period when the first cackle should announce the
+milk-white egg, warmly deposited in the hay which we had provided
+bountifully. They grew finely, and one day I ventured to remark that our
+hens had remarkably large combs, to which Mrs. S. replied, "Yes, indeed,
+she had observed that; but if I wanted to have a real treat I ought to
+get up early in the morning and hear them crow." "Crow!" said I,
+faintly, "our hens crowing! Then, by 'the cock that crowed in the morn,
+to wake the priest all shaven and shorn,' we might as well give up all
+hopes of having any eggs," said I; "for as sure as you live, Mrs. S.,
+our hens are all roosters!" And so they were roosters! They grew up and
+fought with the neighbors' chickens, until there was not a whole pair of
+eyes on either side of the fence.
+
+A _dog_ is a good thing to have in the country. I have one which I
+raised from a pup. He is a good, stout fellow, and a hearty barker and
+feeder. The man of whom I bought him said he was thoroughbred, but he
+begins to have a mongrel look about him. He is a good watch-dog, though;
+for the moment he sees any suspicious-looking person about the premises
+he comes right into the kitchen and gets behind the stove. First, we
+kept him in the house, and he scratched all night to get out. Then we
+turned him out, and he scratched all night to get in. Then we tied him
+up at the back of the garden, and he howled so that our neighbour shot
+at him twice before daybreak. Finally we gave him away, and he came
+back; and now he is just recovering from a fit, in which he has torn up
+the patch that has been sown for our spring radishes.
+
+A good, strong gate is a necessary article for your garden. A good,
+strong, heavy gate, with a dislocated hinge, so that it will neither
+open nor shut. Such a one have I. The grounds before my fence are in
+common, and all the neighbors' cows pasture there. I remarked to Mrs.
+S., as we stood at the window in a June sunset, how placid and
+picturesque the cattle looked, as they strolled about, cropping the
+green herbage. Next morning I found the innocent creatures in my
+garden. They had not left a green thing in it. The corn in the milk, the
+beans on the poles, the young cabbages, the tender lettuce, even the
+thriving shoots on my young fruit trees had vanished. And there they
+were, looking quietly on the ruin they had made. Our watch-dog, too, was
+foregathering with them. It was too much; so I got a large stick and
+drove them all out, except a young heifer, whom I chased all over the
+flower-beds, breaking down my trellises, my woodbines and sweet-briers,
+my roses and petunias, until I cornered her in the hotbed. I had to call
+for assistance to extricate her from the sashes, and her owner has sued
+me for damages. I believe I shall move in town.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. Sparrowgrass and I have concluded to try it once more; we are going
+to give the country another chance. After all, birds in the spring are
+lovely. First come little snowbirds, _avant-couriers_ of the feathered
+army; then bluebirds in national uniforms, just graduated, perhaps, from
+the ornithological corps of cadets with high honors in the topographical
+class; then follows a detachment of flying artillery--swallows;
+sand-martens, sappers and miners, begin their mines and countermines
+under the sandy parapets; then cedar birds, in trim jackets faced with
+yellow--aha, dragoons! And then the great rank and file of infantry,
+robins, wrens, sparrows, chipping-birds; and lastly--the band!
+
+  From nature's old cathedral sweetly ring
+  The wild bird choirs--burst of the woodland band,
+                  --who mid the blossoms sing;
+  Their leafy temple, gloomy, tall and grand,
+  Pillared with oaks, and roofed with Heaven's own hand.
+
+There, there, that is Mario. Hear that magnificent chest note from the
+chestnuts! then a crescendo, falling in silence--_a plomb!_
+
+Hush! he begins again with a low, liquid monotone, mounting by degrees
+and swelling into an infinitude of melody--the whole grove dilating, as
+it were, with exquisite epithalamium.
+
+Silence now--and how still!
+
+Hush! the musical monologue begins anew; up, up into the tree-tops it
+mounts, fairly lifting the leaves with its passionate effluence, it
+trills through the upper branches--and then dripping down the listening
+foliage, in a cadenza of matchless beauty, subsides into silence again.
+
+"That's a he catbird," says my carpenter.
+
+A catbird? Then Shakespeare and Shelley have wasted powder upon the
+skylark; for never such "profuse strains of unpremeditated art" issued
+from living bird before. Skylark! pooh! who would rise at dawn to hear
+the skylark if a catbird were about after breakfast?
+
+I have bought me a boat. A boat is a good thing to have in the country,
+especially if there be any water near. There is a fine beach in front of
+my house. When visitors come I usually propose to give them a row. I go
+down--and find the boat full of water; then I send to the house for a
+dipper and prepare to bail; and, what with bailing and swabbing her
+with a mop and plugging up the cracks in her sides, and struggling to
+get the rudder in its place, and unlocking the rusty padlock, my
+strength is so much exhausted that it is almost impossible for me to
+handle the oars. Meanwhile the poor guests sit on stones around the
+beach with woe-begone faces.
+
+"My dear," said Mrs. Sparrowgrass, "why don't you sell that boat?"
+
+"Sell it? Ha! ha!"
+
+One day a Quaker lady from Philadelphia paid us a visit. She was
+uncommonly dignified, and walked down to the water in the most stately
+manner, as is customary with Friends. It was just twilight, deepening
+into darkness, when I set about preparing the boat. Meanwhile our Friend
+seated herself upon _something_ on the beach. While I was engaged in
+bailing, the wind shifted, and I became sensible of an unpleasant odor;
+afraid that our Friend would perceive it, too, I whispered Mrs.
+Sparrowgrass to coax her off and get her farther up the beach.
+
+"Thank thee, no, Susan; I feel a smell hereabout and I am better where I
+am."
+
+Mrs. S. came back and whispered mysteriously that our Friend was sitting
+on a dead dog, at which I redoubled the bailing and got her out in deep
+water as soon as possible.
+
+Dogs have a remarkable scent. A dead setter one morning found his way to
+our beach, and I towed him out in the middle of the river; but the
+faithful creature came back in less than an hour--that dog's smell was
+remarkable indeed.
+
+I have bought me a fyke! A fyke is a good thing to have in the country.
+A fyke is a fishnet, with long wings on each side; in shape like a
+nightcap with ear lappets; in mechanism like a rat-trap. You put a stake
+at the tip end of the nightcap, a stake at each end of the outspread
+lappets; there are large hoops to keep the nightcap distended, sinkers
+to keep the lower sides of the lappets under water, and floats as large
+as muskmelons to keep the upper sides above the water. The stupid fish
+come downstream, and, rubbing their noses against the wings, follow the
+curve toward the fyke and swim into the trap. When they get in they
+cannot get out. That is the philosophy of a fyke. I bought one of
+Conroy. "Now," said I to Mrs. Sparrowgrass, "we shall have fresh fish
+to-morrow for breakfast," and went out to set it. I drove the stakes in
+the mud, spread the fyke in the boat, tied the end of one wing to the
+stake, and cast the whole into the water. The tide carried it out in a
+straight line. I got the loose end fastened to the boat, and found it
+impossible to row back against the tide with the fyke. I then untied it,
+and it went downstream, stake and all. I got it into the boat, rowed up,
+and set the stake again. Then I tied one end to the stake and got out of
+the boat myself in shoal water. Then the boat got away in deep water;
+then I had to swim for the boat. Then I rowed back and untied the fyke.
+Then the fyke got away. Then I jumped out of the boat to save the fyke,
+and the boat got away. Then I had to swim again after the boat and row
+after the fyke, and finally was glad to get my net on dry land, where I
+left it for a week in the sun. Then I hired a man to set it, and he did,
+but he said it was "rotted." Nevertheless, in it I caught two small
+flounders and an eel. At last a brace of Irishmen came down to my beach
+for a swim at high tide. One of them, a stout, athletic fellow, after
+performing sundry aquatic gymnastics, dived under and disappeared for a
+fearful length of time. The truth is, he had dived into my net. After
+much turmoil in the water, he rose to the surface with the filaments
+hanging over his head, and cried out, as if he had found a bird's nest:
+"I say, Jimmy! begorra, here's a foike!" That unfeeling exclamation to
+Jimmy, who was not the owner of the net, made me almost wish that it had
+not been "rotted."
+
+We are worried about our cucumbers. Mrs. S. is fond of cucumbers, so I
+planted enough for ten families. The more they are picked, the faster
+they grow; and if you do not pick them, they turn yellow and look ugly.
+Our neighbor has plenty, too. He sent us some one morning, by way of a
+present. What to do with them we did not know, with so many of our own.
+To give them away was not polite; to throw them away was sinful; to eat
+them was impossible. Mrs. S. said, "Save them for seed." So we did. Next
+day, our neighbor sent us a dozen more. We thanked the messenger grimly
+and took them in. Next morning another dozen came. It was getting to be
+a serious matter; so I rose betimes the following morning, and when my
+neighbor's cucumbers came I filled his man's basket with some of my own,
+by way of exchange. This bit of pleasantry was resented by my neighbor,
+who told his man to throw them to the hogs. His man told our girl, and
+our girl told Mrs. S., and, in consequence, all intimacy between the two
+families has ceased; the ladies do not speak, even at church.
+
+We have another neighbor, whose name is Bates; he keeps cows. This year
+our gate has been fixed; but my young peach trees near the fences are
+accessible from the road; and Bates's cows walk along that road morning
+and evening. The sound of a cow-bell is pleasant in the twilight.
+Sometimes, after dark, we hear the mysterious curfew tolling along the
+road, and then with a louder peal it stops before our fence and again
+tolls itself off in the distance. The result is, my peach trees are as
+bare as bean-poles. One day I saw Mr. Bates walking along, and I hailed
+him: "Bates, those are your cows there, I believe?" "Yes, sir; nice
+ones, ain't they?" "Yes," I replied, "they are _nice_ ones. Do you see
+that tree there?"--and I pointed to a thrifty peach, with about as many
+leaves as an exploded sky-rocket. "Yes, sir." "Well, Bates, that
+red-and-white cow of yours yonder ate the top off that tree; I saw her
+do it." Then I thought I had made Bates ashamed of himself, and had
+wounded his feelings, perhaps, too much. I was afraid he would offer me
+money for the tree, which I made up my mind to decline at once.
+"Sparrowgrass," said he, "it don't hurt a tree a single mossel to chaw
+it if it's a young tree. For my part, I'd rather have my young trees
+chawed than not. I think it makes them grow a leetle better. I can't do
+it with mine, but you can, because you can wait to have good trees, and
+the only way to have good trees is to have, 'em chawed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We have put a dumb-waiter in our house. A dumb-waiter is a good thing to
+have in the country, on account of its convenience. If you have company,
+everything can be sent up from the kitchen without any trouble; and if
+the baby gets to be unbearable, on account of his teeth, you can dismiss
+the complainant by stuffing him in one of the shelves and letting him
+down upon the help. To provide for contingencies, we had all our floors
+deafened. In consequence, you cannot hear anything that is going on in
+the story below; and when you are in the upper room of the house there
+might be a democratic ratification meeting in the cellar and you would
+not know it. Therefore, if any one should break into the basement it
+would not disturb us; but to please Mrs. Sparrowgrass, I put stout iron
+bars in all the lower windows. Besides, Mrs. Sparrowgrass had bought a
+rattle when she was in Philadelphia; such a rattle as watchmen carry
+there. This is to alarm our neighbor, who, upon the signal, is to come
+to the rescue with his revolver. He is a rash man, prone to pull trigger
+first and make inquiries afterward.
+
+One evening Mrs. S. had retired and I was busy writing, when it struck
+me a glass of ice-water would be palatable. So I took the candle and a
+pitcher and went down to the pump. Our pump is in the kitchen. A country
+pump in the kitchen is more convenient; but a well with buckets is
+certainly more picturesque. Unfortunately, our well water has not been
+sweet since it was cleaned out. First I had to open a bolted door that
+lets you into the basement hall, and then I went to the kitchen door,
+which proved to be locked. Then I remembered that our girl always
+carried the key to bed with her and slept with it under her pillow. Then
+I retraced my steps, bolted the basement door, and went up into the
+dining-room. As is always the case, I found, when I could not get any
+water, I was thirstier than I supposed I was. Then I thought I would
+wake our girl up. Then I concluded not to do it. Then I thought of the
+well, but I gave that up on account of its flavor. Then I opened the
+closet doors: there was no water there; and then I thought of the
+dumb-waiter! The novelty of the idea made me smile. I took out two of
+the movable shelves, stood the pitcher on the bottom of the dumb-waiter,
+got in myself with the lamp; let myself down, until I supposed I was
+within a foot of the floor below, and then let go!
+
+We came down so suddenly that I was shot out of the apparatus as if it
+had been a catapult; it broke the pitcher, extinguished the lamp, and
+landed me in the middle of the kitchen at midnight, with no fire and the
+air not much above the zero point. The truth is, I had miscalculated the
+distance of the descent--instead of falling one foot, I had fallen five.
+My first impulse was to ascend by the way I came down, but I found that
+impracticable. Then I tried the kitchen door; it was locked. I tried to
+force it open; it was made of two-inch stuff, and held its own. Then I
+hoisted a window, and there were the rigid iron bars. If ever I felt
+angry at anybody it was at myself for putting up those bars to please
+Mrs. Sparrowgrass. I put them up, not to keep people in, but to keep
+people out.
+
+I laid my cheek against the ice-cold barriers and looked out at the sky;
+not a star was visible; it was as black as ink overhead. Then I thought
+of Baron Trenck and the prisoner of Chillon. Then I made a noise. I
+shouted until I was hoarse, and ruined our preserving kettle with the
+poker. That brought our dogs out in full bark, and between us we made
+night hideous. Then I thought I heard a voice and listened--it was Mrs.
+Sparrowgrass calling to me from the top of the staircase. I tried to
+make her hear me, but the infernal dogs united with howl, and growl, and
+bark, so as to drown my voice, which is naturally plaintive and tender.
+Besides, there were two bolted doors and double-deafened floors between
+us; how could she recognize my voice, even if she did hear it? Mrs.
+Sparrowgrass called once or twice and then got frightened; the next
+thing I heard was a sound as if the roof had fallen in, by which I
+understood that Mrs. Sparrowgrass was springing the rattle! That called
+out our neighbor, already wide awake; he came to the rescue with a
+bull-terrier, a Newfoundland pup, a lantern, and a revolver. The moment
+he saw me at the window he shot at me, but fortunately just missed me. I
+threw myself under the kitchen table and ventured to expostulate with
+him, but he would not listen to reason. In the excitement I had
+forgotten his name, and that made matters worse. It was not until he had
+roused up everybody around, broken in the basement door with an ax,
+gotten into the kitchen with his cursed savage dogs and shooting-iron,
+and seized me by the collar, that he recognized me--and then he wanted
+me to explain it! But what kind of an explanation could I make to him? I
+told him he would have to wait until my mind was composed, and then I
+would let him understand the whole matter fully. But he never would have
+had the particulars from me, for I do not approve of neighbors that
+shoot at you, break in your door, and treat you, in your own house, as
+if you were a jailbird. He knows all about it, however--somebody has
+told him--_somebody_ tells everybody everything in our village.--_The
+Sparrowgrass Papers._
+
+
+LOVE IN A COTTAGE
+
+  They may talk of love in a cottage,
+    And bowers of trellised vine----
+  Of nature bewitchingly simple,
+    And milkmaids half divine;
+  They may talk of the pleasure of sleeping
+    In the shade of a spreading tree,
+  And a walk in the fields at morning,
+    By the side of a footstep free!
+
+  But give me a sly flirtation
+    By the light of a chandelier----
+  With music to play in the pauses,
+    And nobody very near;
+  Or a seat on a silken sofa,
+    With a glass of pure old wine,
+  And mamma too blind to discover
+    The small white hand in mine.
+
+  Your love in a cottage is hungry,
+    Your vine is a nest for flies----
+  Your milkmaid shocks the Graces,
+    And simplicity talks of pies!
+  You lie down to your shady slumber
+    And wake with a bug in your ear,
+  And your damsel that walks in the morning
+    Is shod like a mountaineer.
+
+  True love is at home on a carpet,
+    And mightily likes his ease----
+  And true love has an eye for a dinner,
+    And starves beneath shady trees.
+  His wing is the fan of a lady,
+    His foot's an invisible thing,
+  And his arrow is tipp'd with a jewel
+    And shot from a silver string.
+
+  NATHANIEL PARKER WILLIS
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CASE OF CONSCIENCE
+
+_Uncle Jack:_ It is very good lemonade, I am sure; but tell me, Bonnie,
+why do you sell yours for three cents a glass when Charley gets five for
+his?
+
+_Miss Bonnie:_ Well, you mustn't tell anybody, Uncle Jack, but the puppy
+fell in mine and I thought it ought to be cheaper.
+
+A Hingham, Massachusetts, woman is said to have hit upon a happy idea
+when she was puzzled what to do in order to tell her mince and apple
+pies apart. She was advised to mark them, and did so, and complacently
+announced: "This I've marked 'T. M.'--'Tis mince; an' that I've marked
+'T. M.'--'Taint mince."
+
+Doctor Oliver Wendell Holmes used to be an amateur photographer. When he
+presented a picture to a friend, he wrote on the back of it, "Taken by
+O. W. Holmes & Sun."
+
+
+HANS BREITMANN'S PARTY
+
+  Hans Breitmann gife a barty:
+    Dey had biano-blayin':
+  I felled in lofe mit a 'Merican frau,
+    Her name was Madilda Yane,
+  She hat haar as prown as a pretzel,
+    Her eyes vas himmel-plue,
+  Und ven dey looket indo mine,
+    Dey shplit mine heart in two.
+
+  Hans Breitmann gife a barty:
+    I vent dere, you'll be pound.
+  I valtzet mit Madilda Yane
+    Und vent shpinnen round and round.
+  De pootiest Fraeulein in de house,
+    She veyed 'pout dwo hoondred pound,
+  Und efery dime she gife a shoomp
+    She make de vindows sound.
+
+  Hans Breitmann gife a barty:
+    I dells you it cost him dear.
+  Dey rolled in more ash sefen kecks
+    Of foost rate Lager Beer,
+  Und venefer dey knocks de shpicket in
+    De Deutschers gifes a cheer.
+  I dinks dat so vine a barty
+    Nefer coom to a het dis year.
+
+  Hans Breitmann gife a barty:
+    Dere all vas Souse und Brouse;
+  Ven de sooper comed in, de gompany
+    Did make demselfs to house.
+  Dey ate das Brot und Gensy broost,
+    De Bratwurst und Braten fine,
+  Und vash der Abendessen down
+    Mit four parrels of Neckarwein.
+
+  Hans Breitmann gife a barty:
+    We all cot troonk ash pigs.
+  I poot mine mout to a parrel of beer,
+    Und emptied it oop mit a schwigs.
+  Und denn I gissed Madilda Yane
+    Und she shlog me on the kop,
+  Und de gompany fited mit dable-lecks
+    Dill de coonsthable made oos shtop.
+
+  Hans Breitmann gife a barty----
+    Where ish dat barty now!
+  Where ish de lofely golden cloud
+    Dat float on de mountain's prow?
+  Where ish de himmelstrahlende Stern----
+    De shtar of de shpirit's light?
+  All goned afay mit de Lager Beer----
+    Afay in de Ewigkeit!
+
+  CHARLES GODFREY LELAND.
+
+
+
+
+FRANCES M. WHICHER
+
+
+TIM CRANE AND THE WIDOW
+
+"O, no, Mr. Crane, by no manner o' means, 'tain't a minnit tow soon for
+you to begin to talk about gittin' married agin. I am amazed you should
+be afeerd I'd think so. See--how long's Miss Crane ben dead? Six
+months!--land o' Goshen!--why, I've know'd a number of individdiwals get
+married in less time than that. There's Phil Bennett's widder 't I was
+a-talkin' about jest now--she 't was Louisy Perce--her husband hadent
+been dead but _three_ months, you know. I don't think it looks well for
+a _woman_ to be in such a hurry--but for a _man_ it's a different
+thing--circumstances alters cases, you know. And then, sittiwated as you
+be, Mr. Crane, it's a turrible thing for your family to be without a
+head to superintend the domestic consarns and tend to the children--to
+say nothin' o' yerself, Mr. Crane. You dew need a companion, and no
+mistake. Six months! Good grievous! Why, Squire Titus dident wait but
+six _weeks_ arter he buried his fust wife afore he married his second. I
+thought ther wa'n't no partickler need o' his hurryin' so, seein' his
+family was all grow'd up. Such a critter as he pickt out, tew! 'twas
+very onsuitable--but every man to his taste--I hain't no dispersition
+to meddle with nobody's consarns. There's old farmer Dawson, tew--his
+pardner hain't ben dead but ten months. To be sure, he ain't married
+yet--but he would a-ben long enough ago if somebody I know on'd gin him
+any incurridgement. But 'tain't for me to speak o' that matter. He's a
+clever old critter and as rich as a Jew--but--lawful sakes! he's old
+enough to be my father. And there's Mr. Smith--Jubiter Smith; you know
+him, Mr. Crane--his wife (she 'twas Aurory Pike) she died last summer,
+and he's ben squintin' round among the wimmin ever since, and he _may_
+squint for all the good it'll dew him so far as I'm consarned--tho' Mr.
+Smith's a respectable man--quite young and hain't no family--very well
+off, tew, and quite intellectible--but I'm purty partickler. O, Mr.
+Crane! it's ten year come Jinniwary sence I witnessed the expiration o'
+my belovid companion--an oncommon long time to wait, to be sure--but
+'tain't easy to find anybody to fill the place o' Hezekier Bedott. I
+think _you're_ the most like husband of ary individdiwal I ever see, Mr.
+Crane. Six months Murderation! Curus you should be afeered I'd think't
+was tew soon--why, I've know'd----"
+
+MR. CRANE. "Well, widder--I've been thinking about taking
+another companion--and I thought I'd ask you----"
+
+WIDOW. "O, Mr. Crane, egscuse my commotion, it's so onexpected.
+Jest hand me that are bottle of camfire off the mantletry shelf--I'm
+ruther faint--dew put a little mite on my handkercher and hold it to my
+nuz. There--that'll dew--I'm obleeged tew ye--now I'm ruther more
+composed--you may perceed, Mr. Crane."
+
+MR. CRANE. "Well, widder, I was a-going to ask you
+whether--whether----"
+
+WIDOW. "Continner, Mr. Crane--dew--I knew it's turrible
+embarrissin'. I remember when my dezeased husband made his suppositions
+to me he stammered and stuttered, and was so awfully flustered it did
+seems as if he'd never git it out in the world, and I s'pose it's
+ginnerally the case, at least it has been with all them that's made
+suppositions to me--you see they're ginerally oncerting about what kind
+of an answer they're a-gwine to git, and it kind o' makes 'em narvous.
+But when an individdiwal has reason to suppose his attachment's
+reperated, I don't see what need there is o' his bein' flustrated--tho'
+I must say it's quite embarrassin' to me--pray continner."
+
+MR. C. "Well, then, I want to know if yu're willing I should
+have Melissy?"
+
+WIDOW. "The dragon!"
+
+MR. C. "I hain't said anything to her about it yet--thought the
+proper way was to get your consent first. I remember when I courted
+Trypheny, we were engaged some time before mother Kenipe knew anything
+about it, and when she found it out she was quite put out because I
+dident go to her first. So when I made up my mind about Melissy, thinks
+me, I'll dew it right this time and speak to the old woman first----"
+
+WIDOW. "_Old woman_, hey! That's a purty name to call
+me!--amazin' perlite, tew! Want Melissy, hey! Tribbleation! Gracious
+sakes alive! Well, I'll give it up now! I always know'd you was a
+simpleton, Tim Crane, but I _must_ confess I dident think you was
+_quite_ so big a fool! Want Melissy, dew ye? If that don't beat all!
+What an everlastin' old calf you must be to s'pose she'd _look_ at
+_you_. Why, you're old enough to be her father, and more tew--Melissy
+ain't only in her twenty-oneth year. What a reedickilous idee for a man
+o' your age! as gray as a rat, tew! I wonder what this world _is_
+a-comin' tew: 'tis astonishin' what fools old widdiwers will make o'
+themselves! Have Melissy! Melissy!"
+
+MR. C. "Why, widder, you surprise me. I'd no idee of being
+treated in this way after you'd been so polite to me, and made such a
+fuss over me and the girls."
+
+WIDOW. "Shet yer head, Tim Crane--nun o' yer sass to me.
+_There's_ yer hat on that are table, and _here's_ the door--and the
+sooner you put on _one_ and march out o' t'other, the better it'll be
+for you. And I advise you afore you try to git married agin, to go out
+West and see 'f yet wife's cold--and arter ye're satisfied on that pint,
+jest put a little lampblack on yer hair--'twould add to yer appearance
+undoubtedly, and be of sarvice tew you when you want to flourish round
+among the gals--and when ye've got yer hair fixt, jest splinter the
+spine o' yerback--'twould'n' hurt yer looks a mite--you'd be intirely
+unresistible if you was a _leetle_ grain straiter."
+
+MR. C. "Well, I never!"
+
+WIDOW. "Hold yer tongue--you consarned old coot you. I tell ye
+_there's_ your hat, and _there's_ the door--be off with yerself, quick
+metre, or I'll give ye a hyst with the broomstick."
+
+MR. C. "Gimmeni!"
+
+WIDOW (_rising_). "Git out, I say--I ain't a-gwine to start'
+here and be insulted under my own ruff--and so git along--and if ever
+you darken my door again, or say a word to Melissy, it'll be the woss
+for you--that's all."
+
+MR. C. "Treemenjous! What a buster!"
+
+WIDOW. "Go 'long--go 'long--go 'long, you everlastin' old gum.
+I won't hear another word" [stops her ears]. "I won't, I won't, I
+won't."
+
+  [_Exit Mr. Crane._
+
+  (_Enter Melissa, accompanied by Captain Canoot._)
+
+"Good-evenin', Cappen Well, Melissy, hum at last, hey? Why didn't you
+stay till mornin'? Party business keepin' me up here so late waitin' for
+you--when I'm eny most tired to death ironin' and workin' like a slave
+all day--ought to ben abed an hour ago. Thought ye left me with
+agreeable company, hey? I should like to know what arthly reason you had
+to s'pose old Crane was agreeable to me? I always despised the critter;
+always thought he wuz a turrible fool--and now I'm convinced on't. I'm
+completely disgusted wit him--and I let him know it to-night. I gin him
+a piece o' my mind 't I guess he'll be apt to remember for a spell. I
+ruther think he went off with a flea in his ear. Why, Cappen--did ye
+ever hear of such a piece of audacity in all yer born days? for
+_him_--_Tim Crane_--to durst to expire to my hand--the widder o' Deacon
+Bedott, jest as if _I'd_ condescen' to look at _him_--the old numbskull!
+He don't know B from a broomstick; but if he'd a-stayed much longer I'd
+a-teached him the difference, I guess. He's got his _walkin' ticket_
+now--I hope he'll lemme alone in futur. And where's Kier? Gun hum with
+the Cranes, hey! Well, I guess it's the last time. And now, Melissy
+Bedott, you ain't to have nothin' more to dew with them gals--d'ye hear?
+You ain't to 'sociate with 'em at all arter this--twould only be
+incurridgin' th' old man to come a-pesterin' me agin--and I won't have
+him round--d'ye hear? Don't be in a hurry, Cappen--and don't be alarmed
+at my gittin' in such passion about old Crane's presumption. Mabby you
+think 'twas onfeelin' in me to use him so--an' I don't say but what
+'twas _ruther_, but then he's so awful disagreeable tew me, you
+know--'tain't _everybody_ I'd treat in such a way. Well, if you _must_
+go, good-evenin'! Give my love to Hanner when you write agin--dew call
+frequently, Cappen Canoot, dew."--_The Bedott Papers._
+
+
+THE STAMMERING WIFE
+
+  When deeply in love with Miss Emily Pryne,
+  I vowed, if, the maiden would only be mine,
+    I would always endeavor to please her.
+  She blushed her consent, though the stuttering lass
+  Said never a word except "You're an ass----
+    An ass--an ass-iduous teaser!"
+
+  But when we were married, I found to my ruth,
+  The stammering lady had spoken the truth;
+    For often, in obvious dudgeon,
+  She'd say, if I ventured to give her a jog
+  In the way of reproof--"You're a dog--you're a dog----
+    A dog--a dog-matic curmudgeon!"
+
+  And once when I said, "We can hardly afford
+  This extravagant style, with our moderate hoard,
+    And hinted we ought to be wiser.
+  She looked, I assure you, exceedingly blue,
+  And fretfully cried, 'You're a Jew--you're a Jew----
+    A very ju-dicious adviser!'"
+
+  Again, when it happened that, wishing to shirk
+  Some rather unpleasant and arduous work,
+    I begged her to go to a neighbor,
+  She wanted to know why I made such a fuss,
+  And saucily said, "You're a cuss--cuss--cuss----
+    You were always ac-cus-tomed to labor!"
+
+  Out of temper at last with the insolent dame,
+  And feeling that madam was greatly to blame
+    To scold me instead of caressing,
+  I mimicked her speech--like a churl that I am--
+  And angrily said, "You're a dam--dam--dam
+    A dam-age instead of a blessing!"
+
+  JOHN GODFREY SAXE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HE ROSE TO THE OCCASION
+
+Several years ago there labored in one of the Western villages of
+Minnesota a preacher who was always in the habit of selecting his texts
+from the Old Testament, and particularly some portion of the history of
+Noah. No matter what the occasion was, he would always find some
+parallel incident from the history of this great character that would
+readily serve as a text or illustration.
+
+At one time he was called upon to unite the daughter of the village
+mayor and a prominent attorney in the holy bonds of matrimony. Two
+little boys, knowing his determination to give them a portion of the
+sacred history touching Noah's marriage, hit upon the novel idea of
+pasting together two leaves in the family Bible so as to connect,
+without any apparent break, the marriage of Noah and the description of
+the Ark of the Covenant.
+
+When the noted guests were all assembled and the contracting parties
+with attendants in their respective stations, the preacher began the
+ceremonies by reading the following text: "And when Noah was one hundred
+and forty years old, he took unto himself a wife" (then turning the page
+he continued) "three hundred cubits in length, fifty cubits in width,
+and thirty cubits in depth, and within and without besmeared with
+pitch." The story seemed a little strong, but he could not doubt the
+Bible, and after reading it once more and reflecting a moment, he turned
+to the startled assemblage with these remarks: "My beloved brethren,
+this is the first time in the history of my life that my attention has
+been called to this important passage of the Scriptures, but it seems to
+me that it is one of the most forcible illustrations of that grand
+eternal truth, that the nature of woman is exceedingly difficult to
+comprehend."
+
+
+POLITE
+
+In her "Abandoning an Adopted Farm," Miss Kate Sanborn tells of her
+annoyance at being besieged by agents, reporters and curiosity seekers.
+She says: "I was so perpetually harassed that I dreaded to see a
+stranger approach with an air of business. The other day I was just
+starting out for a drive when I noticed the usual stranger hurrying on.
+Putting my head out of the carriage, I said in a petulant and weary
+tone, 'Do you want to see me?' The young man stopped, smiled, and
+replied courteously, 'It gives me pleasure to look at you, madam, but I
+was going farther on.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A small boy in Boston, who had unfortunately learned to swear, was
+rebuked by his father. "Who told you that I swore?" asked the bad little
+boy. "Oh, a little bird told me," said the father. The boy stood and
+looked out of the window, scowling at some sparrows which were scolding
+and chattering. Then he had a happy thought. "I know who told you," he
+said. "It was one of those ---- sparrows."
+
+
+LOST, STRAYED OR STOLEN
+
+It is said that when President Polk visited Boston he was impressively
+received at Faneuil Hall Market. The clerk walked in front of him down
+the length of the market, announcing in loud tones:
+
+"Make way, gentlemen, for the President of the United States! The
+President of the United States! Fellow-citizens, make room!"
+
+The Chief had stepped into one of the stalls to look at some game, when
+Mr. Rhodes turned round suddenly, and, finding himself alone, suddenly
+changed his tone and exclaimed:
+
+"My gracious, where has that darned idiot got to?"
+
+
+HE CAME TO PAY
+
+  The editor sat with his head in his hands
+    And his elbows at rest on his knees;
+  He was tired of the ever-increasing demands
+    On his time, and he panted for ease.
+  The clamor for copy was scorned with a sneer,
+    And he sighed in the lowest of tones:
+  "Won't somebody come with a dollar to cheer
+    The heart of Emanuel Jones?"
+
+  Just then on the stairway a footstep was heard
+    And a rap-a-tap loud at the door,
+  And the flickering hope that had been long deferred
+    Blazed up like a beacon once more;
+  And there entered a man with a cynical smile
+    That was fringed with a stubble of red,
+  Who remarked, as he tilted a sorry old tile
+    To the back of an average head:
+
+  "I have come here to pay"--Here the editor cried
+    "You're as welcome as flowers in spring!
+  Sit down in this easy armchair by my side,
+    And excuse me awhile till I bring
+  A lemonade dashed with a little old wine
+    And a dozen cigars of the best....
+  Ah! Here we are! This, I assure you, is fine;
+    Help yourself, most desirable guest."
+
+  The visitor drank with a relish, and smoked
+    Till his face wore a satisfied glow,
+  And the editor, beaming with merriment, joked
+    In a joyous, spontaneous flow;
+  And then, when the stock of refreshments was gone,
+    His guest took occasion to say,
+  In accents distorted somewhat by a yawn,
+    "My errand up here is to pay----"
+
+  But the generous scribe, with a wave of his hand,
+    Put a stop to the speech of his guest,
+  And brought in a melon, the finest the land
+    Ever bore on its generous breast;
+  And the visitor, wearing a singular grin,
+    Seized the heaviest half of the fruit,
+  And the juice, as it ran in a stream from his chin,
+    Washed the mud of the pike from his boot.
+
+  Then, mopping his face on a favorite sheet
+    Which the scribe had laid carefully by,
+  The visitor lazily rose to his feet
+    With the dreariest kind of a sigh,
+  And he said, as the editor sought his address,
+    In his books to discover his due:
+  "I came here to pay--my respects to the press,
+    And to borrow a dollar of you!"
+
+  ANDREW V. KELLEY ("Parmenas Mix").
+
+
+
+
+A GENTLE COMPLAINT
+
+
+  FAIRFIELD, CONN.
+
+  P. T. BARNUM, Esq.
+
+_Dear Sir:_ We have a large soiled Asiatic elephant visiting us now,
+which we suspect belongs to you. His skin is a misfit, and he keeps
+moving his trunk from side to side nervously. If you have missed an
+elephant answering to this description, please come up and take him
+away, as we have no use for him. An elephant on a place so small as ours
+is more of a trouble than a convenience. I have endeavored to frighten
+him away, but he does not seem at all timid, and my wife and I, assisted
+by our hired man, tried to push him out of the yard, but our efforts
+were unavailing. He has made our home his own now for some days, and he
+has become quite _de trop_. We do not mind him so much in the daytime,
+for he then basks mostly on the lawn and plays with the children (to
+whom he has greatly endeared himself), but at night he comes up and lays
+his head on our piazza, and his deep and stertorous breathing keeps my
+wife awake. I feel as though I were entitled to some compensation for
+his keep. He is a large though not fastidious eater, and he has
+destroyed some of my plants by treading on them; and he also leaned
+against our woodhouse. My neighbor--who is something of a wag--says I
+have a lien on his trunk for the amount of his board; but that, of
+course, is only pleasantry. Your immediate attention will oblige.
+
+                                                     SIMEON FORD.
+
+
+THE BALLAD OF THE OYSTERMAN
+
+  It was a tall young oysterman lived by the riverside,
+  His shop was just upon the bank, his boat was on the tide;
+  The daughter of a fisherman, that was so straight and slim,
+  Lived over on the other bank, right opposite to him.
+
+  It was the pensive oysterman that saw a lovely maid,
+  Upon a moonlight evening, a-sitting in the shade:
+  He saw her wave a handkerchief, as much as if to say,
+  "I'm wide awake, young oysterman, and all the folks away."
+
+  Then up arose the oysterman, and to himself said he,
+  "I guess I'll leave the skiff at home, for fear that folks should see;
+  I read it in the story-book, that, for to kiss his dear,
+  Leander swam the Hellespont, and I will swim this here."
+
+  And he has leaped into the waves, and crossed the shining stream,
+  And he has clambered up the bank, all in the moonlight gleam;
+  Oh, there are kisses sweet as dew, and words as soft as rain----
+  But they have heard her father's step, and in he leaps again!
+
+  Out spoke the ancient fisherman: "Oh, what was that, my daughter?"
+  "'Twas nothing but a pebble, sir, I threw into the water."
+  "And what is that, pray tell me, love, that paddles off so fast?"
+  "It's nothing but a porpoise, sir, that's been a-swimming past."
+
+  Out spoke the ancient fisherman: "Now, bring me my harpoon!
+  I'll get into my fishing-boat, and fix the fellow soon."
+  Down fell that pretty innocent, as falls a snow-white lamb;
+  Her hair drooped round her pallid cheeks, like seaweed on a clam.
+
+  Alas! for those two loving ones! she waked not from her swound,
+  And he was taken with the cramp, and in the waves was drowned;
+  But Fate has metamorphosed them, in pity of their woe,
+  And now they keep an oyster shop for mermaids down below.
+
+  OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES.
+
+
+
+
+MARIETTA HOLLEY
+
+
+A PLEASURE EXERTION
+
+Wal, the very next mornin' Josiah got up with a new idee in his head.
+And he broached it to me to the breakfast table. They have been havin'
+sights of pleasure exertions here to Jonesville lately. Every week
+a'most they would go off on a exertion after pleasure, and Josiah was
+all up on end to go, too.
+
+That man is a well-principled man as I ever see, but if he had his head
+he would be worse than any young man I ever see to foller up picnics and
+4th of Julys and camp-meetin's and all pleasure exertions. But I don't
+encourage him in it. I have said to him time and again: "There is a time
+for everything, Josiah Allen, and after anybody has lost all their teeth
+and every mite of hair on the top of their head, it is time for 'em to
+stop goin' to pleasure exertions."
+
+But good land! I might jest as well talk to the wind! If that man should
+get to be as old as Mr. Methusler, and be goin' on a thousand years old,
+he would prick up his ears if he should hear of a exertion. All summer
+long that man has beset me to go to 'em, for he wouldn't go without me.
+Old Bunker Hill himself hain't any sounder in principle than Josiah
+Allen, and I have had to work head-work to make excuses and quell him
+down. But last week they was goin' to have one out on the lake, on a
+island, and that man sot his foot down that go he would.
+
+We was to the breakfast table a-talkin' it over, and says I:
+
+"I shan't go, for I am afraid of big water, anyway."
+
+Says Josiah: "You are jest as liable to be killed in one place as
+another."
+
+Says I, with a almost frigid air as I passed him his coffee, "Mebee I
+shall be drounded on dry land, Josiah Allen, but I don't believe it."
+
+Says he, in a complainin' tone: "I can't get you started onto a exertion
+for pleasure anyway."
+
+Says I, in a almost eloquent way: "I don't believe in makin' such
+exertions after pleasure. As I have told you time and agin, I don't
+believe in chasin' of her up. Let her come of her own free will. You
+can't ketch her by chasin' after her no more than you can fetch up a
+shower in a drowth by goin' outdoors and runnin' after a cloud up in the
+heavens above you. Sit down and be patient, and when it gets ready the
+refreshin' raindrops will begin to fall without none of your help. And
+it is jest so with pleasure, Josiah Allen; you may chase her up over all
+the oceans and big mountains of the earth, and she will keep ahead of
+you all the time; but set down and not fatigue yourself a-thinkin' about
+her, and like as not she will come right into your house unbeknown to
+you."
+
+"Wal," says he, "I guess I'll have another griddle-cake, Samantha."
+
+And as he took it and poured the maple syrup over it, he added gently
+but firmly:
+
+"I shall go, Samantha, to this exertion, and I should be glad to have
+you present at it, because it seems jest to me as if I should fall
+overboard durin' the day."
+
+Men are deep. Now that man knew that no amount of religious preachin'
+could stir me up like that one speech. For though I hain't no hand to
+coo, and don't encourage him in bein' spoony at all, he knows that I am
+wrapped almost completely up in him. I went.
+
+Wal, the day before the exertion Kellup Cobb come into our house of a
+errant, and I asked him if he was goin' to the exertion; and he said he
+would like to go, but he dassent.
+
+"Dassent!" says I. "Why dassent you?"
+
+"Why," says he, "how would the rest of the wimmin round Jonesville feel
+if I should pick out one woman and wait on her?" Says he bitterly: "I
+hain't perfect, but I hain't such a cold-blooded rascal as not to have
+any regard for wimmen's feelin's. I hain't no heart to spile all the
+comfort of the day for ten or a dozen wimmen."
+
+"Why," says I, in a dry tone, "one woman would be happy, accordin' to
+your tell."
+
+"Yes, one woman happy, and ten or fifteen gauled--bruised in the
+tenderest place."
+
+"On their heads?" says I, inquirin'ly.
+
+"No," says he, "their hearts. All the girls have probable had more or
+less hopes that I would invite 'em--make a choice of 'em. But when the
+blow was struck, when I had passed 'em by and invited some other, some
+happier woman, how would them slighted ones feel? How do you s'pose they
+would enjoy the day, seein' me with another woman, and they droopin'
+round without me? That is the reason, Josiah Allen's wife, that I
+dassent go. It hain't the keepin' of my horse through the day that stops
+me. For I could carry a quart of oats and a little jag of hay in the
+bottom of the buggy. If I had concluded to pick out a girl and go, I had
+got it all fixed out in my mind how I would manage. I had thought it
+over, while I was ondecided and duty was a-strugglin' with me. But I was
+made to see where the right way for me lay, and I am goin' to foller it.
+Joe Purday is goin' to have my horse, and give me seven shillin's for
+the use of it and its keepin'. He come to hire it just before I made up
+my mind that I hadn't ort to go.
+
+"Of course it is a cross to me. But I am willin' to bear crosses for the
+fair sect. Why," says he, a-comin' out in a open, generous way, "I would
+be willin', if necessary for the general good of the fair sect--I would
+be willin' to sacrifice ten cents for 'em, or pretty nigh that, I wish
+so well to 'em. I _hain't_ that enemy to 'em that they think I am. I
+can't marry 'em all, Heaven knows I can't, but I wish 'em well."
+
+"Wal," says I, "I guess my dishwater is hot; it must be pretty near
+bilin' by this time."
+
+And he took the hint and started off. I see it wouldn't do no good to
+argue with him that wimmen didn't worship him. For when a feller once
+gets it into his head that female wimmen are all after him, you might
+jest as well dispute the wind as argue with him. You can't convince him
+nor the wind--neither of 'em--so what's the use of wastin' breath on
+'em. And I didn't want to spend a extra breath that day anyway, knowin'
+I had such a hard day's work in front of me, a-finishin' cookin' up
+provisions for the exertion, and gettin' things done up in the house so
+I could leave 'em for all day.
+
+We had got to start about the middle of the night; for the lake was
+fifteen miles from Jonesville, and the old mare's bein' so slow, we had
+got to start an hour or two ahead of the rest. I told Josiah in the
+first on't, that I had just as lives set up all night as to be routed
+out at two o'clock. But he was so animated and happy at the idee of
+goin' that he looked on the bright side of everything, and he said that
+we would go to bed before dark, and get as much sleep as we commonly
+did. So we went to bed the sun an hour high. And I was truly tired
+enough to lay down, for I had worked dretful hard that day--almost
+beyond my strength. But we hadn't more'n got settled down into the bed,
+when we heard a buggy and a single wagon stop at the gate, and I got up
+and peeked through the window, and I see it was visitors come to spend
+the evenin.' Elder Bamber and his family, and Deacon Dobbinses' folks.
+
+Josiah vowed that he wouldn't stir one step out of that bed that night.
+But I argued with him pretty sharp, while I was throwin' on my clothes,
+and I finally got him started up. I hain't deceitful, but I thought if I
+got my clothes all on before they came in I wouldn't tell 'em that I had
+been to bed that time of day. And I did get all dressed up, even to my
+handkerchief pin. And I guess they had been there as much as ten minutes
+before I thought that I hadn't took my nightcap off. They looked
+dreadful curious at me, and I felt awful meachin'. But I jest ketched it
+off, and never said nothin'. But when Josiah come out of the bedroom
+with what little hair he has got standin' out in every direction, no two
+hairs a-layin' the same way, and one of his galluses a-hangin' most to
+the floor under his best coat, I up and told 'em. I thought mebby they
+wouldn't stay long. But Deacon Dobbinses' folks seemed to be all waked
+up on the subject of religion, and they proposed we should turn it into
+a kind of a conference meetin'; so they never went home till after ten
+o'clock.
+
+It was 'most eleven when Josiah and me got to bed agin. And then jest as
+I was gettin' into a drowse, I heered the cat in the buttery, and I got
+up to let her out. And that roused Josiah up, and he thought he heered
+the cattle in the garden, and he got up and went out. And there we was
+a-marchin' round 'most all night.
+
+And if we would get into a nap, Josiah would think it was mornin' and he
+would start up and go out to look at the clock. He seemed so afraid we
+would be belated and not get to that exertion in time. And there we was
+on our feet 'most all night. I lost myself once, for I dreampt that
+Josiah was a-drowndin', and Deacon Dobbins was on the shore a-prayin'
+for him. It started me so that I jist ketched hold of Josiah and
+hollered. It skairt him awfully, and says he, "What does ail you,
+Samantha? I hain't been asleep before to-night, and now you have rousted
+me up for good. I wonder what time it is!"
+
+And then he got out of bed again and went and looked at the clock. It
+was half-past one, and he said he "didn't believe we had better go to
+sleep again, for fear we would be too late for the exertion, and he
+wouldn't miss that for nothin'."
+
+"Exertion!" says I, in a awful cold tone. "I should think we had had
+exertion enough for one spell."
+
+But as bad and wore out as Josiah felt bodily, he was all animated in
+his mind about what a good time he was a-goin' to have. He acted
+foolish, and I told him so. I wanted to wear my brown-and-black gingham,
+and a shaker, but Josiah insisted that I should wear a new lawn dress
+that he had brought me home as a present, and I had jest got made up.
+So jest to please him, I put it on, and my best bonnet.
+
+And that man, all I could do and say, would put on a pair of pantaloons
+I had been a-makin' for Thomas Jefferson. They was gettin' up a milatary
+company to Jonesville, and these pantaloons was blue, with a red stripe
+down the sides--a kind of uniform. Josiah took a awful fancy to 'em, and
+says he:
+
+"I will wear 'em, Samantha; they look so dressy."
+
+Says I: "They hain't hardly done. I was goin' to stitch that red stripe
+on the left leg on again. They ain't finished as they ort to be, and I
+would not wear 'em. It looks vain in you."
+
+Says he: "I will wear 'em, Samantha. I will be dressed up for once."
+
+I didn't contend with him. Thinks I: we are makin' fools of ourselves by
+goin' at all, and if he wants to make a little bigger fool of himself by
+wearin' them blue pantaloons, I won't stand in his light. And then I had
+got some machine oil onto 'em, so I felt that I had got to wash 'em,
+anyway, before Thomas J. took 'em to wear. So he put 'em on.
+
+I had good vittles, and a sight of 'em. The basket wouldn't hold 'em
+all, so Josiah had to put a bottle of red rossberry jell into the pocket
+of his dress-coat, and lots of other little things, such as spoons and
+knives and forks, in his pantaloons and breast pockets. He looked like
+Captain Kidd armed up to the teeth, and I told him so. But good land!
+he would have carried a knife in his mouth if I had asked him to, he
+felt so neat about goin', and boasted so on what a splendid exertion it
+was goin' to be.
+
+We got to the lake about eight o'clock, for the old mare went slow. We
+was about the first ones there, but they kep' a-comin', and before ten
+o'clock we all got there.
+
+The young folks made up their minds they would stay and eat their dinner
+in a grove on the mainland. But the majority of the old folks thought it
+was best to go and set our tables where we laid out to in the first
+place. Josiah seemed to be the most rampant of any of the company about
+goin'. He said he shouldn't eat a mouthful if he didn't eat it on that
+island. He said what was the use of going to a pleasure exertion at all
+if you didn't try to take all the pleasure you could. So about twenty
+old fools of us sot sail for the island.
+
+I had made up my mind from the first on't to face trouble, so it didn't
+put me out so much when Deacon Dobbins, in gettin' into the boat,
+stepped onto my new lawn dress and tore a hole in it as big as my two
+hands, and ripped it half offen the waist. But Josiah havin' felt so
+animated and tickled about the exertion, it worked him up awfully when,
+jest after we had got well out onto the lake, the wind took his hat off
+and blew it away out onto the lake. He had made up his mind to look so
+pretty that day that it worked him up awfully. And then the sun beat
+down onto him; and if he had had any hair onto his head it would have
+seemed more shady.
+
+But I did the best I could by him. I stood by him and pinned on his red
+bandanna handkerchief onto his head. But as I was a-fixin' it on, I see
+there was suthin' more than mortification ailded him. The lake was rough
+and the boat rocked, and I see he was beginning to be awful sick. He
+looked deathly. Pretty soon I felt bad, too. Oh! the wretchedness of
+that time. I have enjoyed poor health considerable in my life, but never
+did I enjoy so much sickness in so short a time as I did on that
+pleasure exertion to that island. I s'pose our bein' up all night a'most
+made it worse. When we reached the island we was both weak as cats.
+
+I sot right down on a stun and held my head for a spell, for it did seem
+as if it would split open. After awhile I staggered up onto my feet, and
+finally I got so I could walk straight and sense things a little; though
+it was tejus work to walk anyway, for we had landed on a sand-bar, and
+the sand was so deep it was all we could do to wade through it, and it
+was as hot as hot ashes ever was.
+
+Then I began to take the things out of my dinner-basket. The butter had
+all melted, so we had to dip it out with a spoon. And a lot of water had
+washed over the side of the boat, so my pies and tarts and delicate
+cakes and cookies looked awful mixed up. But no worse than the rest of
+the company's did.
+
+But we did the best we could, and the chicken and cold meats bein' more
+solid, had held together quite well, so there was some pieces of it
+conside'able hull, though it was all very wet and soppy. But we
+separated 'em out as well as we could, and begun to make preparations to
+eat. We didn't feel so animated about eatin' as we should if we hadn't
+been so sick to our stomachs. But we felt as if we must hurry, for the
+man that owned the boat said he knew it would rain before night by the
+way the sun scalded.
+
+There wasn't a man or a woman there but what the presperation and sweat
+jest poured down their faces. We was a haggard and melancholy lookin'
+set. There was a piece of woods a little ways off, but it was up quite a
+rise of ground, and there wasn't one of us but what had the rheumatiz
+more or less. We made up a fire on the sand, though it seemed as if it
+was hot enough to steep tea and coffee as it was.
+
+After we got the fire started, I histed a umberell and sot down under it
+and fanned myself hard, for I was afraid of a sunstroke.
+
+Wal, I guess I had set there ten minutes or more, when all of a sudden I
+thought, Where is Josiah? I hadn't seen him since we had got there. I
+riz up and asked the company, almost wildly, if they had seen my
+companion, Josiah.
+
+They said, No, they hadn't.
+
+But Celestine Wilkin's little girl, who had come with her grandpa and
+grandma Gowdy, spoke up, and says she:
+
+"I seen him goin' off toward the woods. He acted dretful strange, too;
+he seemed to be a walkin' off sideways."
+
+"Had the sufferin's he had undergone made him delerious?" says I to
+myself; and then I started off on the run toward the woods, and old Miss
+Bobbet, and Miss Gowdy, and Sister Bamber, and Deacon Dobbinses' wife
+all rushed after me.
+
+Oh, the agony of them two or three minutes! my mind so distracted with
+fourbodin's, and the presperation and sweat a-pourin' down. But all of a
+sudden, on the edge of the woods, we found him. Miss Gowdy, weighin' a
+little less than me, mebby one hundred pounds or so, had got a little
+ahead of me. He sot backed up against a tree in a awful cramped
+position, with his left leg under him. He looked dretful uncomfortable.
+But when Miss Gowdy hollered out: "Oh, here you be! We have been skairt
+about you. What is the matter?" he smiled a dretful sick smile, and says
+he: "Oh, I thought I would come out here and meditate a spell. It was
+always a real treat to me to meditate."
+
+Just then I come up a-pantin' for breath, and as the wimmen all turned
+to face me, Josiah scowled at me and shook his fist at them four wimmen,
+and made the most mysterious motions of his hands toward 'em. But the
+minute they turned round he smiled in a sickish way, and pretended to go
+to whistlin'.
+
+Says I, "What is the matter, Josiah Allen? What are you off here for?"
+
+"I am a-meditatin', Samantha."
+
+Says I, "Do you come down and jine the company this minute, Josiah
+Allen. You was in a awful takin' to come with 'em, and what will they
+think to see you act so?"
+
+The wimmen happened to be a-lookin' the other way for a minute, and he
+looked at me as if he would take my head off, and made the strangest
+motions toward 'em; but the minute they looked at him he would pretend
+to smile--that deathly smile.
+
+Says I, "Come, Josiah Allen, we're goin' to get dinner right away, for
+we are afraid it will rain."
+
+"Oh, wal," says he, "a little rain, more or less, hain't a-goin' to
+hender a man from meditatin'."
+
+I was wore out, and says I, "Do you stop meditatin' this minute, Josiah
+Allen!"
+
+Says he, "I won't stop, Samantha. I let you have your way a good deal of
+the time; but when I take it into my head to meditate, you hain't
+a-goin' to break it up."
+
+Jest at that minute they called to me from the shore to come that minute
+to find some of my dishes. And we had to start off. But oh! the gloom of
+my mind that was added to the lameness of my body. Them strange motions
+and looks of Josiah wore on me. Had the sufferin's of the night, added
+to the trials of the day, made him crazy? I thought more'n as likely as
+not I had got a luny on my hands for the rest of my days.
+
+And then, oh, how the sun did scald down onto me, and the wind took the
+smoke so into my face that there wasn't hardly a dry eye in my head. And
+then a perfect swarm of yellow wasps lit down onto our vittles as quick
+as we laid 'em down, so you couldn't touch a thing without runnin' a
+chance to be stung. Oh, the agony of that time! the distress of that
+pleasure exertion! But I kep' to work, and when we had got dinner most
+ready I went back to call Josiah again. Old Miss Bobbet said she would
+go with me, for she thought she see a wild turnip in the woods there,
+and her Shakespeare had a awful cold, and she would try to dig one to
+give him. So we started up the hill again. He sot in the same position,
+all huddled up, with his leg under him, as uncomfortable a lookin'
+creeter as I ever see. But when we both stood in front of him, he
+pretended to look careless and happy, and smiled that sick smile.
+
+Says I, "Come, Josiah Allen; dinner is ready."
+
+"Oh, I hain't hungry," says he. "The table will probable be full. I had
+jest as lieves wait."
+
+"Table full!" says I. "You know jest as well as I do that we are eatin'
+on the ground. Do you come and eat your dinner this minute."
+
+"Yes, do come," says Miss Bobbet; "we can't get along without you!"
+
+"Oh!" says he, with a ghastly smile, pretending to joke, "I have got
+plenty to eat here--I can eat muskeeters."
+
+The air was black with 'em, I couldn't deny it.
+
+"The muskeeters will eat you, more likely," says I. "Look at your face
+and hands; they are all covered with 'em."
+
+"Yes, they have eat considerable of a dinner out of me, but I don't
+begrech 'em. I hain't small enough, nor mean enough, I hope, to begrech
+'em one good meal."
+
+Miss Bobbet started off in search of her wild turnip, and after she had
+got out of sight Josiah whispered to me with a savage look and a tone
+sharp as a sharp ax:
+
+"Can't you bring forty or fifty more wimmen up here? You couldn't come
+here a minute, could you, without a lot of other wimmen tight to your
+heels?"
+
+I begun to see daylight, and after Miss Bobbet had got her wild turnip
+and some spignut, I made some excuse to send her on ahead, and then
+Josiah told me all about why he had gone off by himself alone, and why
+he had been a-settin' in such a curious position all the time since we
+had come in sight of him.
+
+It seems he had set down on that bottle of rossberry jell. That red
+stripe on the side wasn't hardly finished, as I said, and I hadn't
+fastened my thread properly, so when he got to pullin' at 'em to try to
+wipe off the jell, the thread started, and bein' sewed on a machine,
+that seam jest ripped from top to bottom. That was what he had walked
+off sideways toward the woods for. But Josiah Allen's wife hain't one to
+desert a companion in distress. I pinned 'em up as well as I could, and
+I didn't say a word to hurt his feelin's, only I jest said this to him,
+as I was fixin' 'em--I fastened my gray eye firmly, and almost sternly
+onto him, and says I:
+
+"Josiah Allen, is this pleasure?" Says I, "You was determined to come."
+
+"Throw that in my face agin, will you? What if I was? There goes a pin
+into my leg! I should think I had suffered enough without your stabbin'
+of me with pins."
+
+"Wal, then, stand still, and not be a-caperin' round so. How do you
+s'pose I can do anything with you a-tossin' round so?"
+
+"Wal, don't be so aggravatin', then."
+
+I fixed 'em as well as I could, but they looked pretty bad, and there
+they was all covered with jell, too. What to do I didn't know. But
+finally I told him I would put my shawl onto him. So I doubled it up
+corner-ways as big as I could, so it almost touched the ground behind,
+and he walked back to the table with me. I told him it was best to tell
+the company all about it, but he just put his foot down that he
+wouldn't, and I told him if he wouldn't that he must make his own
+excuses to the company about wearin' the shawl. So he told 'em he always
+loved to wear summer shawls; he thought it made a man look so dressy.
+
+But he looked as if he would sink all the time he was a-sayin' it. They
+all looked dretful curious at him, and he looked as meachin' as if he
+had stole sheep--and meachin'er--and he never took a minute's comfort,
+nor I nuther. He was sick all the way back to the shore, and so was I.
+And jest as we got into our wagons and started for home, the rain began
+to pour down. The wind turned our old umberell inside out in no time. My
+lawn dress was most spilte before, and now I give up my bonnet. And I
+says to Josiah:
+
+"This bonnet and dress are spilte, Josiah Allen, and I shall have to buy
+some new ones."
+
+"Wal, wal! who said you wouldn't?" he snapped out.
+
+But it were on him. Oh, how the rain poured down! Josiah, havin' nothin'
+but a handkerchief on his head, felt it more than I did. I had took a
+apron to put on a-gettin' dinner, and I tried to make him let me pin it
+on his head. But says he, firmly:
+
+"I hain't proud and haughty, Samantha, but I do feel above ridin' out
+with a pink apron on for a hat."
+
+"Wal, then," says I, "get as wet as sop, if you had ruther."
+
+I didn't say no more, but there we jest sot and suffered. The rain
+poured down; the wind howled at us; the old mare went slow; the
+rheumatiz laid holt of both of us; and the thought of the new bonnet and
+dress was a-wearin' on Josiah, I knew.
+
+There wasn't a house for the first seven miles, and after we got there I
+thought we wouldn't go in, for we had got to get home to milk anyway,
+and we was both as wet as we could be. After I had beset him about the
+apron, we didn't say hardly a word for as much as thirteen miles or so;
+but I did speak once, as he leaned forward, with the rain drippin' offen
+his bandanna handkerchief onto his blue pantaloons. I says to him in
+stern tones:
+
+"Is this pleasure, Josiah Allen?"
+
+He give the old mare a awful cut and says he: "I'd like to know what you
+want to be so aggravatin' for?"
+
+I didn't multiply any more words with him, only as we drove up to our
+doorstep, and he helped me out into a mud-puddle, I says to him:
+
+"Mebbe you'll hear to me another time, Josiah Allen."
+
+And I'll bet he will. I hain't afraid to bet a ten-cent bill that that
+man won't never open his mouth to me again about a pleasure exertion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A simple-hearted and truly devout country preacher, who had tasted but
+few of the drinks of the world, took dinner with a high-toned family,
+where a glass of milk punch was quietly set down by each plate. In
+silence and happiness this new Vicar of Wakefield quaffed his goblet,
+and then added, "Madam, you should daily thank God for such a good
+cow."
+
+
+
+
+EDMUND CLARENCE STEDMAN
+
+
+THE DIAMOND WEDDING
+
+  O Love! Love! Love! What times were those,
+    Long ere the age of belles and beaux,
+  And Brussels lace and silken hose,
+  When, in the green Arcadian close,
+  You married Psyche under the rose,
+    With only the grass for bedding!
+  Heart to heart, and hand to hand,
+  You followed Nature's sweet command,
+  Roaming lovingly through the land,
+    Nor sighed for a Diamond Wedding.
+
+  So have we read in classic Ovid,
+  How Hero watched for her beloved,
+    Impassioned youth, Leander.
+  She was the fairest of the fair,
+  And wrapt him round with her golden hair,
+  Whenever he landed cold and bare,
+  With nothing to eat and nothing to wear,
+    And wetter than any gander;
+  For Love was Love, and better than money;
+  The slyer the theft, the sweeter the honey;
+  And kissing was clover, all the world over,
+    Wherever Cupid might wander.
+
+  So thousands of years have come and gone,
+  And still the moon is shining on,
+    Still Hymen's torch is lighted;
+  And hitherto, in this land of the West,
+  Most couples in love have thought it best
+  To follow the ancient way of the rest,
+    And quietly get united.
+
+  But now, True Love, you're growing old--
+  Bought and sold, with silver and gold,
+    Like a house, or a horse and carriage!
+              Midnight talks,
+              Moonlight walks,
+  The glance of the eye and sweetheart sigh,
+  The shadowy haunts, with no one by,
+    I do not wish to disparage;
+              But every kiss
+              Has a price for its bliss,
+    In the modern code of marriage;
+              And the compact sweet
+              Is not complete
+  Till the high contracting parties meet
+    Before the altar of Mammon;
+  And the bride must be led to a silver bower,
+  Where pearls and rubies fall in a shower
+    That would frighten Jupiter Ammon!
+
+              I need not tell
+              How it befell,
+    (Since Jenkins has told the story
+  Over and over and over again,
+  In a style I cannot hope to attain,
+    And covered himself with glory!)
+  How it befell, one summer's day,
+  The king of the Cubans strolled this way--
+  King January's his name, they say--
+  And fell in love with the Princess May,
+    The reigning belle of Manhattan;
+  Nor how he began to smirk and sue,
+  And dress as lovers who come to woo,
+  Or as Max Maretzek and Jullien do,
+  When they sit full-bloomed in the ladies' view,
+    And flourish the wondrous baton.
+
+  He wasn't one of your Polish nobles,
+  Whose presence their country somehow troubles,
+    And so our cities receive them;
+  Nor one of your make-believe Spanish grandees,
+  Who ply our daughters with lies and candies,
+    Until the poor girls believe them.
+  No, he was no such charlatan--
+  Count de Hoboken Flash-in-the-pan,
+  Full of gasconade and bravado--
+  But a regular, rich Don Rataplan,
+  Santa Claus de la Muscovado,
+  Senor Grandissimo Bastinado.
+  His was the rental of half Havana
+  And all Matanzas; and Santa Anna,
+  Rich as he was, could hardly hold
+  A candle to light the mines of gold
+  Our Cuban owned, choke-full of diggers;
+  And broad plantations, that, in round figures,
+  Were stocked with at least five thousand niggers!
+
+  "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may!"
+  The Senor swore to carry the day,
+  To capture the beautiful Princess May,
+    With his battery of treasure;
+  Velvet and lace she should not lack;
+  Tiffany, Haughwout, Ball & Black,
+  Genin and Stewart his suit should back,
+    And come and go at her pleasure;
+  Jet and lava--silver and gold----
+  Garnets--emeralds rare to behold----
+  Diamonds--sapphires--wealth untold----
+  All were hers, to have and to hold:
+    Enough to fill a peck measure!
+
+  He didn't bring all his forces on
+  At once, but like a crafty old Don,
+  Who many a heart had fought and won,
+    Kept bidding a little higher;
+  And every time he made his bid,
+  And what she said, and all they did----
+                      'Twas written down,
+                      For the good of the town,
+  By Jeems, of _The Daily Flyer_.
+
+  A coach and horses, you'd think, would buy
+  For the Don an easy victory;
+    But slowly our Princess yielded.
+  A diamond necklace caught her eye,
+  But a wreath of pearls first made her sigh.
+  She knew the worth of each maiden glance,
+  And, like young colts, that curvet and prance,
+  She led the Don a deuce of a dance,
+    In spite of the wealth he wielded.
+
+  She stood such a fire of silks and laces,
+  Jewels and gold dressing-cases,
+  And ruby brooches, and jets and pearls,
+  That every one of her dainty curls
+  Brought the price of a hundred common girls;
+    Folks thought the lass demented!
+  But at last a wonderful diamond ring,
+  An infant Kohinoor, did the thing,
+  And, sighing with love, or something the same,
+                      (What's in a name?)
+    The Princess May consented.
+
+  Ring! ring the bells, and bring
+  The people to see the marrying!
+  Let the gaunt and hungry and ragged poor
+  Throng round the great cathedral door,
+  To wonder what all the hubbub's for,
+    And sometimes stupidly wonder
+  At so much sunshine and brightness which
+  Fall from the church upon the rich,
+    While the poor get all the thunder.
+
+  Ring, ring! merry bells, ring!
+              O fortunate few,
+              With letters blue,
+  Good for a seat and a nearer view!
+  Fortunate few, whom I dare not name;
+  _Dilettanti! Creme de la creme!_
+  We commoners stood by the street facade,
+  And caught a glimpse of the cavalcade.
+              We saw the bride
+              In diamond pride,
+  With jeweled maidens to guard her side----
+  Six lustrous maidens in tarletan.
+  She led the van of the caravan;
+    Close behind her, her mother
+  (Dressed in gorgeous _moire antique_,
+  That told as plainly as words could speak,
+  She was more antique than the other)
+    Leaned on the arm of Don Rataplan
+  Santa Claus de la Muscovado
+  Senor Grandissimo Bastinado.
+    Happy mortal! fortunate man!
+  And Marquis of El Dorado!
+
+  In they swept, all riches and grace,
+  Silks and satins, jewels and lace;
+  In they swept from the dazzled sun,
+  And soon in the church the deed was done.
+  Three prelates stood on the chancel high:
+  A knot that gold and silver can buy,
+  Gold and silver may yet untie,
+    Unless it is tightly fastened;
+  What's worth doing at all's worth doing well,
+  And the sale of a young Manhattan belle
+    Is not to be pushed or hastened;
+  So two Very-Reverends graced the scene,
+  And the tall Archbishop stood between,
+    By prayer and fasting chastened.
+  The Pope himself would have come from Rome,
+  But Garibaldi kept him at home.
+  Haply these robed prelates thought
+  Their words were the power that tied the knot;
+  But another power that love-knot tied,
+  And I saw the chain round the neck of the bride----
+  A glistening, priceless, marvelous chain,
+  Coiled with diamonds again and again,
+    As befits a diamond wedding;
+  Yet still 'twas a chain, and I thought she knew it,
+  And halfway longed for the will to undo it,
+    By the secret tears she was shedding.
+
+  But isn't it odd to think, whenever
+  We all go through that terrible River----
+  Whose sluggish tide alone can sever
+  (The Archbishop says) the Church decree,
+  By floating one in to Eternity
+  And leaving the other alive as ever----
+  As each wades through that ghastly stream,
+  The satins that rustle and gems that gleam,
+  Will grow pale and heavy, and sink away
+  To the noisome River's bottom-clay!
+  Then the costly bride and her maidens six
+  Will shiver upon the bank of the Styx,
+  Quite as helpless as they were born----
+  Naked souls, and very forlorn;
+  The Princess, then, must shift for herself,
+  And lay her royalty on the shelf;
+  She, and the beautiful Empress, yonder,
+  Whose robes are now the wide world's wonder,
+  And even ourselves, and our dear little wives,
+  Who calico wear each morn of their lives,
+  And the sewing-girls, and _les chiffonniers_,
+  In rags and hunger--a gaunt array----
+  And all the grooms of the caravan----
+  Ay, even the great Don Rataplan
+  Santa Claus de la Muscovado
+  Senor Grandissimo Bastinado----
+  That gold-encrusted, fortunate man----
+  All will land in naked equality:
+  The lord of a ribboned principality
+    Will mourn the loss of his _cordon_;
+  Nothing to eat and nothing to wear
+  Will certainly be the fashion there!
+  Ten to one, and I'll go it alone;
+  Those most used to a rag and bone,
+  Though here on earth they labor and groan,
+  Will stand it best, as they wade abreast
+    To the other side of Jordan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Grant's army crossed the Rappahannock Lee's veterans felt sure of
+sending it back as "tattered and torn" as ever it had been under the new
+general's numerous predecessors. After the crossing, the first prisoners
+caught by Mosby were asked many questions by curious Confederates.
+
+"What has become of your pontoon train?" said one such inquirer.
+
+"We haven't got any," answered the prisoner.
+
+"How do you expect to get over the river when you go back?"
+
+"Oh," said the Yankee, "we are not going back. Grant says that all the
+men he sends back can cross on a log."
+
+
+
+
+JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL
+
+
+WHAT MR. ROBINSON THINKS
+
+  Guvener B. is a sensible man;
+    He stays to his home an' looks arter his folks;
+  He draws his furrer ez straight ez he can,
+    An' into nobody's tater-patch pokes;
+              But John P.
+              Robinson he
+    Sez he wun't vote fer Guvener B.
+
+  My! ain't it terrible? Wut shall we du?
+  We can't never choose him o' course--thet's flat;
+  Guess we shall hev to come round (don't you?)
+    An' go in fer thunder an' guns, an' all that;
+              Fer John P.
+              Robinson he
+    Sez he wun't vote for Guvener B.
+
+  Gineral C. is a dreffle smart man:
+    He's ben on all sides thet give places or pelf;
+  But consistency still wuz a part of his plan----
+  He's ben true to _one_ party--an' thet is himself;
+              So John P.
+              Robinson he
+  Sez he shall vote for Gineral C.
+
+  Gineral C. he goes in fer the war;
+    He don't vally principle more'n an old cud;
+  Wut did God make us raytional creeturs fer,
+    But glory an' gunpowder, plunder an' blood?
+              So John P.
+              Robinson he
+    Sez he shall vote fer Gineral C.
+
+  We were gittin' on nicely up here to our village,
+    With good old idees o' wut's right an' wut ain't,
+  We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an pillage,
+    An' thet eppyletts worn't the best mark of a saint;
+              But John P.
+              Robinson he
+    Sez this kind o' thing's an exploded idee.
+
+  The side of our country must ollers be took,
+    An' President Polk, you know, _he_ is our country.
+  An' the angel thet writes all our sins in a book
+    Puts the _debit_ to him, an' to us the _per contry_;
+              An' John P.
+              Robinson he
+    Sez this is his view o' the things to a T.
+
+  Parson Wilbur he calls all these argimunts lies;
+    Sez they're nothin' on airth but jest _fee, faw, fum_:
+  An' thet all this big talk of our destinies
+    Is half on it ign'ance an' t'other half rum;
+  But John P.
+              Robinson he
+    Sez it ain't no sech thing; an', of course, so must we.
+
+  Parson Wilbur sez _he_ never heerd in his life
+    Thet th' Apostles rigged out in their swaller-tail coats,
+  An' marched round in front of a drum an' a fife,
+    To git some on 'em office, and some on 'em votes;
+              But John P.
+              Robinson he
+    Sez they didn't know everythin' down in Judee.
+
+  Wal, it's a marcy we've gut folks to tell us
+    The rights an' the wrongs o' these matters, I vow----
+  God sends country lawyers, an' other wise fellers,
+    To start the world's team w'en it gits in a slough;
+              Fer John P.
+              Robinson he
+  Sez the world'll go right, ef he hollers out Gee!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Old Gentleman_ (to driver of street-car): "My friend, what do you do
+with your wages every week--put part of it in the savings bank?"
+
+_Driver:_ "No, sir. After payin' the butcher an' grocer an' rent, I pack
+away what's left in barrels. I'm 'fraid of them savin's banks."
+
+
+MUSIC BY THE CHOIR
+
+After the church organist had played a voluntary, introducing airs from
+"1492" and "The Black Crook"--which, of course, were not recognized by
+the congregation--the choir arose for its first anthem of the morning.
+
+The choir was made up of two parts, a quartette and a chorus. The former
+occupied seats in the front row--because the members were paid. The
+chorus was grouped about, and made a somewhat striking as well as
+startling picture. There were some who could sing; some who thought they
+could; and there were others.
+
+The leader of this aggregation was the tenor of the quartette. He was
+tall, but his neck was responsible for considerable of his extreme
+height. Because he was paid to lead that choir he gave the impression to
+those who saw him that he was cutting some ice. A greater part of his
+contortions were lost because the audience did not face the choir.
+
+The organist struck a few chords, and without any preliminary
+wood-sawing the choir squared itself for action. Of course, there were a
+few who did not find the place till after rising--this is so in all
+choirs--but finally all appeared to be ready. The leader let out another
+link in his neck, and while his head was taking a motion similar to a
+hen's when walking, the choir broke loose. This is what it sang:
+
+"Abide-e-e--bide--ab--abide--with abide
+with--bide--a-a-a-a-bide--me--with me-e-e--abide with--with
+me--fast--f-a-a-s-t falls--abide fast the even--fast fa-a-a-lls
+the--abide with me--eventide--falls the e-e-eventide--fast--the--the
+dark--the darkness abide--the darkness deepens--Lor-r-d with
+me-e-e--Lord with me--deepens--Lord--Lord--darkness deepens--wi-i-th
+me--Lord with me--me a-a-a-a-abide."
+
+That was the first verse.
+
+There were three others.
+
+Every one is familiar with the hymn, hence it is not necessary to line
+the verses.
+
+During the performance, some who had not attended the choir rehearsal
+the Thursday evening previous were a little slow in spots. During the
+passage of these spots some would move their lips and not utter a sound,
+while others--particularly the ladies--found it convenient to feel of
+their back hair or straighten their hats. Each one who did this had a
+look as if she could honestly say, "I could sing that if I saw fit"--and
+the choir sang on.
+
+But when there came a note, a measure or a bar with which all were
+familiar, what a grand volume of music burst forth. It didn't happen
+this way many times, because the paid singers were supposed to do the
+greater part of the work. And the others were willing.
+
+At one point, after a breathing spell--or a rest, as musicians say--the
+tenor started alone. He didn't mean to. But by this break the deacons
+discovered that he was in the game and earning his salary. The others
+caught him at the first quarter, however, and away they went again, neck
+and neck. Before they finished, several had changed places. Sometimes
+"Abide" was ahead, and sometimes "Lord," but on the whole it was a
+pretty even thing.
+
+Then the minister--he drew a salary, also--read something out of the
+Bible, after which--as they say in the newspapers--"there was another
+well-rendered selection by the choir."
+
+This spasm was a tenor solo with chorus accompaniment. This was when he
+of the long neck got in his deadly work. The audience faced the choir
+and the salaried soloist was happy.
+
+When the huddling had ceased, the soloist stepped a trifle to the front
+and, with the confidence born of a man who stands pat on four aces, gave
+a majestic sweep of his head toward the organist. He said nothing, but
+the movement implied, "Let 'er go, Gallagher."
+
+Gallagher was on deck and after getting his patent leather shoes well
+braced on the sub-bass pedals, he knotted together a few chords, and the
+soloist was off. His selection was--that is, _verbatim_,
+
+  "Ge-yide me, ge-yide me, ge-yide me, O-,
+    Thor-or gra-ut Jaw-aw-hars-vah,
+  Pi-il-grum thraw-aw this baw-aw-raw-en larnd."
+
+And he sang other things.
+
+He was away up in G. He diminuendoed, struck a cantable movement, slid
+up over a crescendo, tackled a second ending by mistake--but it
+went--caught his second wind on a moderato, signified his desire for a
+raise in salary on a trill, did some brilliant work on a maestoso,
+reached high C with ease, went down into the bass clef and climbed out
+again, quavered and held, did sixteen notes by the handful--payable on
+demand--waltzed along a minor passage, gracefully turned the dal segno,
+skipped a chromatic run, did the con expressione act worthy of a De
+Reszke, poured forth volumes on a measure bold, broke the centre of an
+andante passage for three yards, retarded to beat the band, came near
+getting applause on a cadenza, took a six-barred triplet without turning
+a hair--then sat down.
+
+Between whiles the chorus had been singing something else. The notes
+bumped against the oiled natural-wood rafters--it was a modern
+church--ricochetted over the memorial windows, clung lovingly to the new
+$200 chandelier, floated along the ridgepole, patted the bald-headed
+deacons fondly, and finally died away in a bunch of contribution boxes
+in the corner.
+
+Then the minister preached.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Chicago man who has recently returned from Europe was asked by a
+friend what he thought of Rome.
+
+"Well," he replied, "Rome is a fair-sized town, but I couldn't help but
+think when I was there that she had seen her best days."
+
+
+
+
+MARK TWAIN
+
+
+THE NOTORIOUS JUMPING FROG OF CALAVERAS COUNTY[B]
+
+In compliance with the request of a friend of mine, who wrote me from
+the East, I called on good-natured, garrulous old Simon Wheeler, and
+inquired after my friend's friend, Leonidas W. Smiley, as requested to
+do, and I hereunto append the result. I have a lurking suspicion that
+Leonidas W. Smiley is a myth; that my friend never knew such a
+personage; and that he only conjectured that if I asked old Wheeler
+about him, it would remind him of his infamous Jim Smiley, and he would
+go to work and bore me to death with some exasperating reminiscence of
+him as long and as tedious as it should be useless to me. If that was
+the design, it succeeded.
+
+[Footnote B: By permission of the American Publishing Company.]
+
+I found Simon Wheeler dozing comfortably by the barroom stove of the
+dilapidated tavern in the decayed mining camp of Angel's, and I noticed
+that he was fat and bald-headed, and had an expression of winning
+gentleness and simplicity upon his tranquil countenance. He roused up,
+and gave me good day. I told him a friend of mine had commissioned me to
+make some inquiries about a cherished companion of his boyhood named
+_Leonidas W_. Smiley--_Reverend Leonidas W._ Smiley, a young minister of
+the Gospel, who he had heard was at one time a resident of Angel's Camp.
+I added that if Mr. Wheeler could tell me anything about this Reverend
+Leonidas W. Smiley I would feel under many obligations to him.
+
+Simon Wheeler backed me into a corner and blockaded me there with his
+chair, and then sat down and reeled off the monotonous narrative which
+follows this paragraph. He never smiled, he never frowned, he never
+changed his voice from the gentle-flowing key to which he tuned his
+initial sentence, he never betrayed the slightest suspicion of
+enthusiasm; but all through the interminable narrative there ran a vein
+of impressive earnestness and sincerity which showed me plainly that, so
+far from his imagining that there was anything ridiculous or funny about
+his story, he regarded it as a really important matter, and admired its
+two heroes as men of transcendent genius in _finesse_. I let him go on
+in his own way, and never interrupted him once.
+
+Reverend Leonidas W. H'm, Reverend Le--well, there was a feller here
+once by the name of _Jim_ Smiley, in the winter of '49--or maybe it was
+the spring of '50--I don't recollect exactly, somehow, though what makes
+me think it was one or the other is because I remember the big flume
+warn't finished when he first come to the camp; but anyway, he was the
+curiosest man about always betting on anything that turned up you ever
+see, if he could get anybody to bet on the other side; and if he
+couldn't he'd change sides. Any way that suited the other man would suit
+_him_--any way just so's he got a bet, _he_ was satisfied. But still he
+was lucky, uncommon lucky; he most always come out winner. He was always
+ready and laying for a chance; there couldn't be no solit'ry thing
+mentioned but that feller'd offer to bet on it, and take ary side you
+please, as I was just telling you. If there was a horse-race, you'd find
+him flush or you'd find him busted at the end of it; if there was a
+dog-fight, he'd bet on it; if there was a cat-fight, he'd bet on it; if
+there was a chicken-fight, he'd bet on it; why, if there was two birds
+setting on a fence, he would bet you which one would fly first; or if
+there was a camp-meeting he would be there reg'lar to bet on Parson
+Walker, which he judged to be the best exhorter about here, and so he
+was too, and a good man. If he even see a straddle-bug start to go
+anywhere, he would bet how long it would take him to get to--to wherever
+he was going to, and if you took him up, he would foller that
+straddle-bug to Mexico but what he would find out where he was bound for
+and how long he was on the road. Lots of the boys here has seen that
+Smiley and can tell you about him. Why, it never made no difference to
+_him_--he'd bet on _any_thing--the dangdest feller. Parson Walker's wife
+laid very sick once, for a good while, and it seemed as if they warn't
+going to save her; but one morning he come in, and Smiley up and asked
+him how she was, and he said she was considable better--thank the Lord
+for His inf'nite mercy--and coming on so smart that with the blessing of
+Prov'dence she'd get well yet; and Smiley, before he thought, says,
+"Well, I'll resk two-and-a-half she don't anyway."
+
+Thish-yer Smiley had a mare--the boys called her the fifteen-minute nag,
+but that was only in fun, you know, because of course she was faster
+than that--and he used to win money on that horse, for all she was slow
+and always had the asthma, or the distemper, or the consumption, or
+something of that kind. They used to give her two or three hundred yards
+start, and then pass her under way; but always at the fag end of the
+race she'd get excited and desperate like, and come cavorting and
+straddling up, and scattering her legs around limber, sometimes in the
+air and sometimes out to one side among the fences, and kicking up
+m-o-r-e dust and raising m-o-r-e racket with her coughing and sneezing
+and blowing her nose--and _always_ fetch up at the stand just about a
+neck ahead, as near as you could cipher it down.
+
+And he had a little small bull-pup, that to look at him you'd think he
+warn't worth a cent but to set around and look ornery and lay for a
+chance to steal something. But as soon as money was up on him he was a
+different dog; his under-jaw'd begin to stick out like the fo'castle of
+a steamboat, and his teeth would uncover and shine like the furnaces.
+And a dog might tackle him and bully-rag him, and bite him, and throw
+him over his shoulder two or three times, and Andrew Jackson--which was
+the name of the pup--Andrew Jackson would never let on but what _he_ was
+satisfied, and hadn't expected nothing else--and the bets being doubled
+and doubled on the other side all the time, till the money was all up;
+and then all of a sudden he would grab that other dog just by the j'int
+of his hind leg and freeze to it--not chaw, you understand, but only
+just grip and hang on till they throwed up the sponge, if it was a year.
+Smiley always come out winner on that pup, till he harnessed a dog once
+that didn't have no hind legs, because they'd been sawed off in a
+circular saw, and when the thing had gone along far enough, and the
+money was all up, and he come to make a snatch for his pet holt, he see
+in a minute how he'd been imposed on, and how the other dog had him in
+the door, so to speak, and he 'peared surprised, and then he looked
+sorter discouraged-like, and didn't try no more to win the fight, and so
+he got shucked out bad. He give Smiley a look, as much as to say his
+heart was broke, and it was _his_ fault, for putting up a dog that
+hadn't no hind legs for him to take holt of, which was his main
+dependence in a fight, and then he limped off a piece and laid down and
+died. It was a good pup, was that Andrew Jackson, and would have made a
+name for hisself if he'd lived, for the stuff was in him and he had
+genius--I know it, because he hadn't no opportunities to speak of, and
+it don't stand to reason that a dog could make such a fight as he could
+under them circumstances if he hadn't no talent. It always makes me feel
+sorry when I think of that last fight of his'n, and the way it turned
+out.
+
+Well, thish-yer Smiley had rat-tarriers, and chicken cocks, and
+tom-cats, and all them kind of things till you couldn't rest, and you
+couldn't fetch nothing for him to bet on but he'd match you. He ketched
+a frog one day, and took him home, and said he cal'lated to educate him;
+and so he never done nothing for three months but set in his back yard
+and learn that frog to jump. And you bet you he _did_ learn him, too.
+He'd give him a little punch behind, and the next minute you'd see that
+frog whirling in the air like a doughnut--see him turn one summerset, or
+maybe a couple, if he got a good start, and come down flat-footed and
+all right, like a cat. He got him up so in the matter of ketching flies,
+and kep' him in practice so constant, that he'd nail a fly every time as
+fur as he could see him. Smiley said all a frog wanted was education and
+he could do 'most anything--and I believe him. Why, I've seen him set
+Dan'l Webster down here on this floor--Dan'l Webster was the name of the
+frog--and sing out, "Flies, Dan'l, flies!" and quicker'n you could wink
+he'd spring straight up and snake a fly off'n the counter there, and
+flop down on the floor ag'in as solid as a gob of mud, and fall to
+scratching the side of his head with his hind foot as indifferent as if
+he hadn't no idea he'd been doin' any more'n any frog might do. You
+never see a frog so modest and straightfor'ard as he was, for all he was
+so gifted. And when it come to fair and square jumping on a dead level,
+he could get over more ground at one straddle than any animal of his
+breed you ever see. Jumping on a dead level was his strong suit, you
+understand; and when it come to that, Smiley would ante up money on him
+as long as he had a red. Smiley was monstrous proud of his frog, and
+well he might be, for fellers that had traveled and been everywheres all
+said he laid over any frog that ever _they_ see.
+
+Well, Smiley kep' the beast in a little lattice box, and he used to
+fetch him downtown sometimes and lay for a bet. One day a feller--a
+stranger in the camp, he was--come acrost him with his box, and says:
+
+"What might it be that you've got in the box?"
+
+And Smiley says, sorter indifferent-like, "It might be a parrot, or it
+might be a canary, maybe, but it ain't--it's only just a frog."
+
+And the feller took it, and looked at it careful, and turned it round
+this way and that, and says, "H'm--so 'tis. Well, what's _he_ good for?"
+
+"Well," Smiley says, easy and careless, "he's good enough for _one_
+thing, I should judge--he can outjump any frog in Calaveras County."
+
+The feller took the box again, and took another long, particular look,
+and give it back to Smiley, and says, very deliberate, "Well," he says,
+"I don't see no p'ints about that frog that's any better'n any other
+frog."
+
+"Maybe you don't," Smiley says. "Maybe you understand frogs and maybe
+you don't understand 'em; maybe you've had experience, and maybe you
+ain't only a amature, as it were. Anyways, I've got _my_ opinion, and
+I'll resk forty dollars that he can outjump any frog in Calaveras
+County."
+
+And the feller studied a minute, and then says, kinder sad like, "Well,
+I'm only a stranger here, and I ain't got no frog; but if I had a frog
+I'd bet you."
+
+And then Smiley says, "That's all right--that's all right--if you'll
+hold my box a minute I'll go and get you a frog." And so the feller took
+the box, and put up his forty dollars along with Smiley's, and set down
+to wait.
+
+So he set there a good while thinking and thinking to himself, and then
+he got the frog out and prized his mouth open and took a teaspoon and
+filled him full of quail shot--filled him pretty near up to his
+chin--and set him on the floor. Smiley he went to the swamp and slopped
+around in the mud for a long time, and finally he ketched a frog, and
+fetched him in, and give him to this feller, and says:
+
+"Now, if you're ready, set him alongside of Dan'l with his forepaws just
+even with Dan'l's, and I'll give the word." Then he says,
+"One--two--three--_git!_" and him and the feller touched up the frogs
+from behind, and the new frog hopped off lively, but Dan'l give a heave,
+and hysted up his shoulders--so--like a Frenchman, but it warn't no
+use--he couldn't budge; he was planted as solid as a church, and he
+couldn't no more stir than if he was anchored out. Smiley was a good
+deal surprised, and he was disgusted too, but he didn't have no idea
+what the matter was, of course.
+
+The feller took the money and started away; and when he was going out at
+the door, he sorter jerked his thumb over his shoulder--so--at Dan'l,
+and says again, very deliberate, "Well," he says, "_I_ don't see no
+p'ints about that frog that's any better'n any other frog."
+
+Smiley he stood scratching his head and looking down at Dan'l a long
+time, and at last he says, "I do wonder what in the nation that frog
+throw'd off for--I wonder if there ain't something the matter with
+him--he 'pears to look mighty baggy, somehow." And he ketched Dan'l by
+the nap of the neck, and hefted him, and says, "Why, blame my cats if he
+don't weigh five pound!" and turned him upside down and he belched out a
+double handful of shot. And then he see how it was, and he was the
+maddest man--he set the frog down and took out after that feller, but he
+never ketched him. And----
+
+[Here Simon Wheeler heard his name called from the front yard, and got
+up to see what was wanted.] And turning to me as he moved away, he said:
+"Just set where you are, stranger, and rest easy--I ain't going to be
+gone a second."
+
+But, by your leave, I did not think that a continuation of the history
+of the enterprising vagabond _Jim_ Smiley would be likely to afford me
+much information concerning the Reverend _Leonidas W._ Smiley, and so I
+started away.
+
+At the door I met the sociable Wheeler returning, and he buttonholed me
+and recommenced:
+
+"Well, thish-yer Smiley had a yaller, one-eyed cow that didn't have no
+tail, only just a short stump like a bannanner, and----"
+
+However, lacking both time and inclination, I did not wait to hear about
+the afflicted cow, but took my leave.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Little Masterpieces of American Wit
+and Humor, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMERICAN WIT AND HUMOR ***
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