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diff --git a/21196.txt b/21196.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f1b3675 --- /dev/null +++ b/21196.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5710 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor + Volume I + +Author: Various + +Editor: Thomas L. Masson + +Release Date: April 21, 2007 [EBook #21196] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMERICAN WIT AND HUMOR *** + + + + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Janet Blenkinship and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + + + + Little Masterpieces of + American Wit and Humor + + + Edited by Thomas L. Masson + + + [Illustration: Oliver Wendell Holmes] + + + VOLUME I + + _By_ + + Washington Irving Oliver Wendell Holmes + Benjamin Franklin "Josh Billings" + "Mark Twain" Charles Dudley Warner + James T. Fields Henry Ward Beecher + and others + + + NEW YORK + DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY + 1903 + + Copyright, 1903, by + DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY + Published, October, 1903 + + +[Illustration: Handwritten introduction: + +Those selections in this book which are from my own works, were made by +my two assistant compilers, not by me. This is why There are not more. + +Mark Twain] + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + +This anthology of American Humor represents a process of selection that +has been going on for more than fifteen years, and in giving it to the +public it is perhaps well that the Editor should precede it with a few +words of explanation as to its meaning and scope. + +Not only all that is fairly representative of the work of our American +humorists, from Washington Irving to "Mr. Dooley," has been gathered +together, but also much that is merely fugitive and anecdotal. Thus, in +many instances literary finish has been ignored in order that certain +characteristic and purely American bits should have their place. The +Editor is not unmindful of the danger of this plan. For where there is +such a countless number of witticisms (so-called) as are constantly +coming to the surface, and where so many of them are worthless, it must +always take a rare discrimination to detect the genuine from the false. +This difficulty is greatly increased by the difference of opinion that +exists, even among the elect, with regard to the merit of particular +jokes. To paraphrase an old adage, what is one man's laughter may be +another man's dirge. The Editor desires to make it plain, however, that +the responsibility in this particular instance is entirely his own. He +has made his selections without consulting any one, knowing that if a +consultation of experts should attempt to decide about the contents of a +volume of American humor, no volume would ever be published. + +The reader will doubtless recognize, in this anthology, many old +friends. He may also be conscious of omissions. These omissions are due +either to the restrictions of publishers, or the impossibility of +obtaining original copies, or the limited space. + + + + +ACKNOWLEDGMENTS + + +Acknowledgments are made herewith to the following publishers, who have +kindly consented to allow the reproduction of the material designated. + + F. A. STOKES & COMPANY, New York: "A Rhyme for Priscilla," + F. D. Sherman; "The Bohemians of Boston," Gelett Burgess; "A Kiss + in the Rain," "Bessie Brown, M. D.," S. M. Peck. + + DODD, MEAD & COMPANY, New York: Four Extracts, E. W. + Townsend ("Chimmie Fadden"). + + BOWEN-MERRILL COMPANY, Indianapolis: "The Elf Child," "A + Liz-Town Humorist," James Whitcomb Riley. + + LEE & SHEPARD, Boston: "The Meeting of the Clabberhuses," + "A Philosopher," "The Ideal Husband to His Wife," "The Prayer of + Cyrus Brown," "A Modern Martyrdom," S. W. Foss; "After the + Funeral," "What He Wanted It For," J. M. Bailey. + + BACHELLER, JOHNSON & BACHELLER, New York: "The Composite + Ghost," Marion Couthouy Smith. + + D. APPLETON & COMPANY, New York: "Illustrated Newspapers," + "Tushmaker's Tooth-puller," G. H. Derby ("John Phoenix"). + + T. B. PETERSON & COMPANY, Philadelphia: "Hans Breitmann's + Party," "Ballad," C. G. Leland. + + CENTURY COMPANY, New York: "Miss Malony on the Chinese + Question," Mary Mapes Dodge; "The Origin of the Banjo," Irwin + Russell; "The Walloping Window-Blind," Charles E. Carryl; "The + Patriotic Tourist," "What's in a Name?" "'Tis Ever Thus," R. K. + Munkittrick. + + FORBES & COMPANY, Chicago: "If I Should Die To-Night," + "The Pessimist," Ben King. + + J. S. OGILVIE & COMPANY, New York: Three Short Extracts, + C. B. Lewis ("Mr. Bowser"). + + THE CHELSEA COMPANY, New York: "The Society Reporter's + Christmas," "The Dying Gag," James L. Ford. + + KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN, New York: "Love Letters of Smith," + H. C. Bunner. + + SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY, Boston: "On Gold-Seeking," "On + Expert Testimony," F. P. Dunne ("Mr. Dooley"); "Tale of the + Kennebec Mariner," "Grampy Sings a Song," "Cure for Homesickness," + Holman F. Day. + + BELFORD, CLARKE & COMPANY, Chicago: "A Fatal Thirst," "On + Cyclones," Bill Nye. + + DUQUESNE DISTRIBUTING COMPANY, Harmanville, Pennsylvania: + "In Society," William J. Kountz, Jr. (from the bound edition of + "Billy Baxter's Letters"). + + R. H. RUSSELL, New York: Nonsense Verses--"Impetuous + Samuel," "Misfortunes Never Come Singly," "Aunt Eliza," "Susan"; + "The City as a Summer Resort," "Avarice and Generosity," "Work and + Sport," "Home Life of Geniuses," F. P. Dunne ("Mr. Dooley"); "My + Angeline," Harry B. Smith. + + H. S. STONE & COMPANY, Chicago: "The Preacher Who Flew His + Kite." "The Fable of the Caddy," "The Two Mandolin Players," George + Ade. + + AMERICAN PUBLISHING COMPANY, Hartford: "A Pleasure + Excursion," "An Unmarried Female," Marietta Holley; "Colonel + Sellers," "Mark Twain." + + G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS, New York: "Living in the Country," "A + Glass of Water," "A Family Horse," F. S. Cozzens. + + GEORGE DILLINGHAM, New York: "Natral and Unnatral + Aristocrats," "To Correspondents," "The Bumblebee," "Josh + Billings"; "Among the Spirits," "The Shakers," "A. W. to His Wife," + "Artemus Ward and the Prince of Wales," "A Visit to Brigham Young," + "The Tower of London," "One of Mr. Ward's Business Letters," "On + 'Forts,'" Artemus Ward; "At the Musicale," "At the Races," Geo. V. + Hobart ("John Henry"). + + THOMPSON & THOMAS, Chicago: "How to Hunt the Fox," Bill + Nye. + + LITTLE, BROWN & COMPANY, Boston: "Street Scenes in + Washington," Louisa May Alcott. + + E. H. BACON & COMPANY, Boston: "A Boston Lullaby," James + Jeffrey Roche. + + HOUGHTON, MIFFLIN & COMPANY, Boston: "My Aunt," "The + Wonderful One-hoss Shay," "Foreign Correspondence," + "Music-Pounding" (extract), "The Ballad of the Oysterman," + "Dislikes" (short extract), "The Height of the Ridiculous," "An + Aphorism and a Lecture," O. W. Holmes; "The Yankee Recruit," "What + Mr. Robinson Thinks," "The Courtin'," "A Letter from Mr. Ezekiel + Bigelow," "Without and Within," J. R. Lowell; "Five Lives," "Eve's + Daughter," E. R. Sill; "The Owl-Critic," "The Alarmed Skipper," + James T. Fields; "My Summer in a Garden," "Plumbers," "How I Killed + a Bear," C. D. Warner; "Little Breeches," John Hay; "The Stammering + Wife," "Coquette," "My Familiar," "Early Rising," J. G. Saxe; "The + Diamond Wedding," E. C. Stedman; "Melons," "Society Upon the + Stanislaus," "The Heathen Chinee," "To the Pliocene Skull," Bret + Harte; "The Total Depravity of Inanimate Things," K. K. C. Walker; + "Palabras Grandiosas," Bayard Taylor; "Mrs. Johnson," William Dean + Howells; "A Plea for Humor," Agnes Repplier; "The Minister's + Wooing," Harriet Beecher Stowe. + +In addition, the Editor desires to make his personal acknowledgments to +the following authors: F. P. Dunne, Mary Mapes Dodge, Gelett Burgess, R. +K. Munkittrick, E. W. Townsend, F. D. Sherman. + +For such small paragraphs, anecdotes and witticisms as have been used in +these volumes, acknowledgment is hereby made to the following newspapers +and periodicals: + +_Chicago Record_, _Boston Globe_, _Texas Siftings_, _New Orleans Times +Democrat_, _Providence Journal_, _New York Evening Sun_, _Atlanta +Constitution_, _Macon Telegraph_, _New Haven Register_, _Chicago Times_, +_Analostan Magazine_, _Harper's Bazaar_, _Florida Citizen_, _Saturday +Evening Post_, _Chicago Times Herald_, _Washington Post_, _Cleveland +Plain Dealer_,_ _New York Tribune_, _Chicago Tribune_, _Pittsburg +Bulletin_, _Philadelphia Ledger_, _Youth's Companion_, _Harper's +Magazine_, _Duluth Evening Herald_, _Boston Medical and Surgical +Journal_, _Washington Times_, _Rochester Budget_, _Bangor News_, _Boston +Herald_, _Pittsburg Dispatch_, _Christian Advocate_, _Troy Times_, +_Boston Beacon_, _New Haven News_, _New York Herald_, _Philadelphia +Call_, _Philadelphia News_, _Erie Dispatch_, _Town Topics_, _Buffalo +Courier_, _Life_, _San Francisco Wave_, _Boston Home Journal_, _Puck_, +_Washington Hatchet_, _Detroit Free Press_, _Babyhood_, _Philadelphia +Press_, _Judge_, _New York Sun_, _Minneapolis Journal_, _San Francisco +Argonaut_, _St. Louis Sunday Globe_, _Atlanta Constitution_, _Buffalo +Courier_, _New York Weekly_, _Starlight Messenger_ (St Peter, Minn.). + + + + + CONTENTS + + _VOLUME I_ + + PAGE + + WASHINGTON IRVING + + Wouter Van Twiller 1 + Wilhelmus Kieft 8 + Peter Stuyvesant 13 + Antony Van Corlear 15 + General Van Poffenburgh 18 + + BENJAMIN FRANKLIN + + Maxims 21 + Model of a Letter of Recommendation of a + Person You Are Unacquainted with 21 + Epitaph for Himself 22 + + WILLIAM ALLEN BUTLER + + Nothing to Wear 24 + + HENRY WARD BEECHER + + Deacon Marble 39 + The Deacon's Trout 41 + The Dog Noble and the Empty Hole 43 + + ALBERT GORTON GREENE + + Old Grimes 45 + + OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES + + My Aunt 49 + The Deacon's Masterpiece; or, the Wonderful + "One-hoss Shay" 63 + Foreign Correspondence 106 + Music-Pounding 109 + The Ballad of the Oysterman 142 + + NATHANIEL PARKER WILLIS + + Miss Albina McLush 51 + Love in a Cottage 125 + + WILLIAM PITT PALMER + + A Smack in School 56 + + B. P. SHILLABER ("Mrs. Partington") + + Fancy Diseases 58 + Bailed Out 59 + Seeking a Comet 59 + Going to California 60 + Mrs. Partington in Court 61 + + EDWARD ROWLAND SILL + + Five Lives 68 + + JAMES T. FIELDS + + The Owl-Critic 70 + The Alarmed Skipper 104 + + JOHN HAY + + Little Breeches 74 + + HENRY W. SHAW ("Josh Billings") + + Natral and Unnatral Aristokrats 77 + + JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL + + The Yankee Recruit 81 + What Mr. Robinson Thinks 170 + + CHARLES DUDLEY WARNER + + My Summer in a Garden 90 + + FREDERICK S. COZZENS + + Living in the Country 111 + + CHARLES GODFREY LELAND + + Hans Breitmann's Party 127 + + FRANCES M. WHICHER + + Tim Crane and the Widow 129 + + JOHN GODFREY SAXE + + The Stammering Wife 135 + + ANDREW V. KELLEY ("Parmenas Mix") + + He Came to Pay 139 + + MARIETTA HOLLEY + + A Pleasure Exertion 144 + + EDMUND CLARENCE STEDMAN + + The Diamond Wedding 162 + + MISCELLANEOUS + + Why He Left 23 + A Boy's Essay on Girls 38 + Identified 47 + One Better 48 + A Rendition 57 + A Cause for Thanks 73 + Crowded 103 + The Wedding Journey 105 + A Case of Conscience 126 + He Rose to the Occasion 136 + Polite 137 + Lost, Strayed or Stolen 138 + A Gentle Complaint 141 + Music by the Choir 173 + + + + +WASHINGTON IRVING + + +WOUTER VAN TWILLER + +It was in the year of our Lord 1629 that Mynheer Wouter Van Twiller was +appointed Governor of the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, under the +commission and control of their High Mightinesses the Lords States +General of the United Netherlands, and the privileged West India +Company. + +This renowned old gentleman arrived at New Amsterdam in the merry month +of June, the sweetest month in all the year; when dan Apollo seems to +dance up the transparent firmament--when the robin, the thrush, and a +thousand other wanton songsters make the woods to resound with amorous +ditties, and the luxurious little bob-lincon revels among the clover +blossoms of the meadows--all which happy coincidences persuaded the old +dames of New Amsterdam, who were skilled in the art of foretelling +events, that this was to be a happy and prosperous administration. + +The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twiller was descended from a long +line of Dutch burgomasters, who had successively dozed away their lives +and grown fat upon the bench of magistracy in Rotterdam, and who had +comported themselves with such singular wisdom and propriety that they +were never either heard or talked of--which, next to being universally +applauded, should be the object of ambition of all magistrates and +rulers. There are two opposite ways by which some men make a figure in +the world; one, by talking faster than they think, and the other, by +holding their tongues and not thinking at all. By the first, many a +smatterer acquires the reputation of a man of quick parts; by the other, +many a dunderpate, like the owl, the stupidest of birds, comes to be +considered the very type of wisdom. This, by the way, is a casual +remark, which I would not, for the universe, have it thought I apply to +Governor Van Twiller. It is true he was a man shut up within himself, +like an oyster, and rarely spoke, except in monosyllables; but then it +was allowed he seldom said a foolish thing. So invincible was his +gravity that he was never known to laugh or even to smile through the +whole course of a long and prosperous life. Nay, if a joke were uttered +in his presence that set light-minded hearers in a roar, it was observed +to throw him into a state of perplexity. Sometimes he would deign to +inquire into the matter, and when, after much explanation, the joke was +made as plain as a pike-staff, he would continue to smoke his pipe in +silence, and at length, knocking out the ashes, would exclaim, "Well, I +see nothing in all that to laugh about." + +With all his reflective habits, he never made up his mind on a subject. +His adherents accounted for this by the astonishing magnitude of his +ideas. He conceived every subject on so grand a scale that he had not +room in his head to turn it over and examine both sides of it. Certain +it is that, if any matter were propounded to him on which ordinary +mortals would rashly determine at first glance, he would put on a vague, +mysterious look, shake his capacious head, smoke some time in profound +silence, and at length observe that "he had his doubts about the +matter"; which gained him the reputation of a man slow of belief and not +easily imposed upon. What is more, it gained him a lasting name; for to +this habit of the mind has been attributed his surname of Twiller; which +is said to be a corruption of the original Twijfler, or, in plain +English, _Doubter_. + +The person of this illustrious old gentleman was formed and proportioned +as though it had been molded by the hands of some cunning Dutch +statuary, as a model of majesty and lordly grandeur. He was exactly five +feet six inches in height, and six feet five inches in circumference. +His head was a perfect sphere, and of such stupendous dimensions that +Dame Nature, with all her sex's ingenuity, would have been puzzled to +construct a neck capable of supporting it; wherefore she wisely declined +the attempt, and settled it firmly on the top of his backbone, just +between the shoulders. His body was oblong, and particularly capacious +at bottom; which was wisely ordered by Providence seeing that he was a +man of sedentary habits, and very averse to the idle labor of walking. +His legs were short, but sturdy in proportion to the weight they had to +sustain; so that when erect he had not a little the appearance of a beer +barrel on skids. His face, that infallible index of the mind, presented +a vast expanse, unfurrowed by those lines and angles which disfigure the +human countenance with what is termed expression. Two small gray eyes +twinkled feebly in the midst, like two stars of lesser magnitude in a +hazy firmament; and his full-fed cheeks, which seemed to have taken toll +of everything that went into his mouth, were curiously mottled and +streaked with dusky red, like a Spitzenberg apple. + +His habits were as regular as his person. He daily took his four stated +meals, appropriating exactly an hour to each; he smoked and doubted +eight hours, and he slept the remaining twelve of the four-and-twenty. +Such was the renowned Wouter Van Twilleri--a true philosopher, for his +mind was either elevated above, or tranquilly settled below, the cares +and perplexities of this world. He had lived in it for years, without +feeling the least curiosity to know whether the sun revolved round it, +or it round the sun; and he had watched for at least half a century the +smoke curling from his pipe to the ceiling, without once troubling his +head with any of those numerous theories by which a philosopher would +have perplexed his brain, in accounting for its rising above the +surrounding atmosphere. + +In his council he presided with great state and solemnity. He sat in a +huge chair of solid oak, hewn in the celebrated forest of the Hague, +fabricated by an experienced timmerman of Amsterdam, and curiously +carved about the arms and feet into exact imitations of gigantic eagle's +claws. Instead of a scepter, he swayed a long Turkish pipe, wrought with +jasmine and amber, which had been presented to a stadtholder of +Holland at the conclusion of a treaty with one of the petty Barbary +powers. In this stately chair would he sit, and this magnificent pipe +would he smoke, shaking his right knee with a constant motion, and +fixing his eye for hours together upon a little print of Amsterdam which +hung in a black frame against the opposite wall of the council chamber. +Nay, it has even been said that when any deliberation of extraordinary +length and intricacy was on the carpet, the renowned Wouter would shut +his eyes for full two hours at a time, that he might not be disturbed by +external objects; and at such times the internal commotion of his mind +was evinced by certain regular guttural sounds, which his admirers +declared were merely the noise of conflict made by his contending doubts +and opinions. + +It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled to collect these +biographical anecdotes of the great man under consideration. The facts +respecting him were so scattered and vague, and divers of them so +questionable in point of authenticity, that I have had to give up the +search after many, and decline the admission of still more, which would +have tended to heighten the coloring of his portrait. + +I have been the more anxious to delineate fully the person and habits of +Wouter Van Twiller, from the consideration that he was not only the +first but also the best Governor that ever presided over this ancient +and respectable province; and so tranquil and benevolent was his reign, +that I do not find throughout the whole of it a single instance of any +offender being brought to punishment--a most indubitable sign of a +merciful Governor, and a case unparalleled, excepting in the reign of +the illustrious King Log, from whom, it is hinted, the renowned Van +Twiller was a lineal descendant. + +The very outset of the career of this excellent magistrate was +distinguished by an example of legal acumen that gave flattering presage +of a wise and equitable administration. The morning after he had been +installed in office, and at the moment that he was making his breakfast +from a prodigious earthen dish, filled with milk and Indian pudding, he +was interrupted by the appearance of Wandle Schoonhoven, a very +important old burgher of New Amsterdam, who complained bitterly of one +Barent Bleecker, inasmuch as he refused to come to a settlement of +accounts, seeing that there was a heavy balance in favor of the said +Wandle. Governor Van Twiller, as I have already observed, was a man of +few words; he was likewise a mortal enemy to multiplying writings--or +being disturbed at his breakfast. Having listened attentively to the +statement of Wandle Schoonhoven, giving an occasional grunt, as he +shoveled a spoonful of Indian pudding into his mouth--either as a sign +that he relished the dish, or comprehended the story--he called unto him +his constable, and pulling out of his breeches pocket a huge jack-knife, +despatched it after the defendant as a summons, accompanied by his +tobacco-box as a warrant. + +This summary process was as effectual in those simple days as was the +seal-ring of the great Haroun Alraschid among the true believers. The +two parties being confronted before him, each produced a book of +accounts, written in a language and character that would have puzzled +any but a High-Dutch commentator or a learned decipherer of Egyptian +obelisks. The sage Wouter took them one after the other, and having +poised them in his hands and attentively counted over the number of +leaves, fell straightway into a very great doubt, and smoked for half an +hour without saying a word; at length, laying his finger beside his nose +and shutting his eyes for a moment, with the air of a man who has just +caught a subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe from his +mouth, puffed forth a column of tobacco smoke, and with marvelous +gravity and solemnity pronounced, that, having carefully counted over +the leaves and weighed the books, it was found that one was just as +thick and as heavy as the other; therefore, it was the final opinion of +the court that the accounts were equally balanced: therefore, Wandle +should give Barent a receipt, and Barent should give Wandle a receipt, +and the constable should pay the costs. + +This decision, being straightway made known, diffused general joy +throughout New Amsterdam, for the people immediately perceived that they +had a very wise and equitable magistrate to rule over them. But its +happiest effect was that not another lawsuit took place throughout the +whole of his administration; and the office of constable fell into such +decay that there was not one of those losel scouts known in the province +for many years. I am the more particular in dwelling on this +transaction, not only because I deem it one of the most sage and +righteous judgments on record, and well worthy the attention of modern +magistrates, but because it was a miraculous event in the history of the +renowned Wouter--being the only time he was ever known to come to a +decision in the whole course of his life. + + +WILHELMUS KIEFT + +As some sleek ox, sunk in the rich repose of a clover field, dozing and +chewing the cud, will bear repeated blows before it raises itself, so +the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, having waxed fat under the drowsy +reign of the Doubter, needed cuffs and kicks to rouse it into action. +The reader will now witness the manner in which a peaceful community +advances toward a state of war; which is apt to be like the approach of +a horse to a drum, with much prancing and little progress, and too often +with the wrong end foremost. + +Wilhelmus Kieft, who in 1634 ascended the gubernatorial chair (to borrow +a favorite though clumsy appellation of modern phraseologists), was of a +lofty descent, his father being inspector of windmills in the ancient +town of Saardam; and our hero, we are told, when a boy, made very +curious investigations into the nature and operations of these machines, +which was one reason why he afterward came to be so ingenious a +Governor. His name, according to the most authentic etymologists, was a +corruption of Kyver--that is to say, a _wrangler_ or _scolder_, and +expressed the characteristic of his family, which, for nearly two +centuries, have kept the windy town of Saardam in hot water and produced +more tartars and brimstones than any ten families in the place; and so +truly did he inherit this family peculiarity, that he had not been a +year in the government of the province before he was universally +denominated William the Testy. His appearance answered to his name. He +was a brisk, wiry, waspish little old gentleman, such a one as may now +and then be seen stumping about our city in a broad-skirted coat with +huge buttons, a cocked hat stuck on the back of his head, and a cane as +high as his chin. His face was broad, but his features were sharp; his +cheeks were scorched into a dusky red by two fiery little gray eyes, his +nose turned up, and the corners of his mouth turned down, pretty much +like the muzzle of an irritable pug-dog. + +I have heard it observed by a profound adept in human physiology, that +if a woman waxes fat with the progress of years, her tenure of life is +somewhat precarious, but if haply she withers as she grows old, she +lives forever. Such promised to be the case with William the Testy, who +grew tough in proportion as he dried. He had withered, in fact, not +through the process of years, but through the tropical fervor of his +soul, which burnt like a vehement rush-light in his bosom, inciting him +to incessant broils and bickerings. Ancient tradition speaks much of his +learning, and of the gallant inroads he had made into the dead +languages, in which he had made captive a host of Greek nouns and Latin +verbs, and brought off rich booty in ancient saws and apothegms, which +he was wont to parade in his public harangues, as a triumphant general +of yore his _spolia opima_. Of metaphysics he knew enough to confound +all hearers and himself into the bargain. In logic he knew the whole +family of syllogisms and dilemmas, and was so proud of his skill that he +never suffered even a self-evident fact to pass unargued. It was +observed, however, that he seldom got into an argument without getting +into a perplexity, and then into a passion with his adversary for not +being convinced gratis. + +He had, moreover, skirmished smartly on the frontiers of several of the +sciences, was fond of experimental philosophy, and prided himself upon +inventions of all kinds. His abode, which he had fixed at a Bowerie or +country-seat at a short distance from the city, just at what is now +called Dutch Street, soon abounded with proofs of his ingenuity: patent +smoke-jacks that required a horse to work them; Dutch ovens that roasted +meat without fire; carts that went before the horses; weathercocks that +turned against the wind; and other wrong-headed contrivances that +astonished and confounded all beholders. The house, too, was beset with +paralytic cats and dogs, the subjects of his experimental philosophy; +and the yelling and yelping of the latter unhappy victims of science, +while aiding in the pursuit of knowledge, soon gained for the place the +name of "Dog's Misery," by which it continues to be known even at the +present day. + +It is in knowledge as in swimming: he who flounders and splashes on the +surface makes more noise, and attracts more attention, than the +pearl-diver who quietly dives in quest of treasures to the bottom. The +vast acquirements of the new Governor were the theme of marvel among the +simple burghers of New Amsterdam; he figured about the place as learned +a man as a Bonze at Pekin, who had mastered one-half of the Chinese +alphabet, and was unanimously pronounced a "universal genius!" ... + +Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the reign of William the Testy; +for henceforth, in the troubles, perplexities and confusion of the +times, he seems to have been totally overlooked, and to have slipped +forever through the fingers of scrupulous history.... + +It is true that certain of the early provincial poets, of whom there +were great numbers in the Nieuw Nederlandts, taking advantage of his +mysterious exit, have fabled that, like Romulus, he was translated to +the skies, and forms a very fiery little star somewhere on the left claw +of the Crab; while others, equally fanciful, declare that he had +experienced a fate similar to that of the good King Arthur, who, we are +assured by ancient bards, was carried away to the delicious abodes of +fairy-land, where he still exists in pristine worth and vigor, and will +one day or another return to restore the gallantry, the honor and the +immaculate probity which prevailed in the glorious days of the Round +Table. + +All these, however, are but pleasing fantasies, the cobweb visions of +those dreaming varlets, the poets, to which I would not have my +judicious readers attach any credibility. Neither am I disposed to +credit an ancient and rather apocryphal historian who asserts that the +ingenious Wilhelmus was annihilated by the blowing down of one of his +windmills; nor a writer of latter times, who affirms that he fell a +victim to an experiment in natural history, having the misfortune to +break his neck from a garret window of the stadthouse in attempting to +catch swallows by sprinkling salt upon their tails. Still less do I put +my faith in the tradition that he perished at sea in conveying home to +Holland a treasure of golden ore, discovered somewhere among the haunted +regions of the Catskill Mountains. + +The most probable account declares that, what with the constant troubles +on his frontiers, the incessant schemings and projects going on in his +own pericranium, the memorials, petitions, remonstrances and sage pieces +of advice of respectable meetings of the sovereign people, and the +refractory disposition of his councilors, who were sure to differ from +him on every point and uniformly to be in the wrong, his mind was kept +in a furnace-heat until he became as completely burnt out as a Dutch +family pipe which has passed through three generations of hard smokers. +In this manner did he undergo a kind of animal combustion, consuming +away like a farthing rush-light; so that when grim death finally snuffed +him out there was scarce left enough of him to bury. + + +PETER STUYVESANT + +Peter Stuyvesant was the last, and, like the renowned Wouter Van +Twiller, the best of our ancient Dutch Governors, Wouter having +surpassed all who preceded him, and Peter, or Piet, as he was sociably +called by the old Dutch burghers, who were ever prone to familiarize +names, having never been equaled by any successor. He was in fact the +very man fitted by nature to retrieve the desperate fortunes of her +beloved province, had not the Fates, those most potent and unrelenting +of all ancient spinsters, destined them to inextricable confusion. + +To say merely that he was a hero would be doing him great injustice; he +was in truth a combination of heroes; for he was of a sturdy, raw-boned +make, like Ajax Telamon, with a pair of round shoulders that Hercules +would have given his hide for (meaning his lion's hide) when he +undertook to ease old Atlas of his load. He was, moreover, as Plutarch +describes Coriolanus, not only terrible for the force of his arm, but +likewise of his voice, which sounded as though it came out of a barrel; +and, like the self-same warrior, he possessed a sovereign contempt for +the sovereign people, and an iron aspect which was enough of itself to +make the very bowels of his adversaries quake with terror and dismay. +All this martial excellency of appearance was inexpressibly heightened +by an accidental advantage, with which I am surprised that neither Homer +nor Virgil have graced any of their heroes. This was nothing less than a +wooden leg, which was the only prize he had gained in bravely fighting +the battles of his country, but of which he was so proud that he was +often heard to declare he valued it more than all his other limbs put +together: indeed, so highly did he esteem it that he had it gallantly +enchased and relieved with silver devices, which caused it to be related +in divers histories and legends that he wore a silver leg. + + +ANTONY VAN CORLEAR + +The very first movements of the great Peter, on taking the reins of +government, displayed his magnanimity, though they occasioned not a +little marvel and uneasiness among the people of the Manhattoes. Finding +himself constantly interrupted by the opposition, and annoyed by the +advice of his privy council, the members of which had acquired the +unreasonable habit of thinking and speaking for themselves during the +preceding reign, he determined at once to put a stop to such grievous +abominations. Scarcely, therefore, had he entered upon his authority, +than he turned out of office all the meddlesome spirits of the factious +cabinet of William the Testy; in place of whom he chose unto himself +counselors from those fat, somniferous, respectable burghers who had +flourished and slumbered under the easy reign of Walter the Doubter. All +these he caused to be furnished with abundance of fair long pipes, and +to be regaled with frequent corporation dinners, admonishing them to +smoke, and eat, and sleep for the good of the nation, while he took the +burden of government upon his own shoulders--an arrangement to which +they all gave hearty acquiescence. + +Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous rout among the inventions and +expedients of his learned predecessor, rooting up his patent gallows, +where caitiff vagabonds were suspended by the waistband; demolishing his +flag-staffs and windmills, which, like mighty giants, guarded the +ramparts of New Amsterdam; pitching to the duyvel whole batteries of +Quaker guns; and, in a word, turning topsy-turvy the whole philosophic, +economic and windmill system of the immortal sage of Saardam. + +The honest folks of New Amsterdam began to quake now for the fate of +their matchless champion, Antony the Trumpeter, who had acquired +prodigious favor in the eyes of the women by means of his whiskers and +his trumpet. Him did Peter the Headstrong cause to be brought into his +presence, and eying him for a moment from head to foot, with a +countenance that would have appalled anything else than a sounder of +brass--"Pr'ythee, who and what art thou?" said he. + +"Sire," replied the other, in no wise dismayed, "for my name, it is +Antony Van Corlear; for my parentage, I am the son of my mother; for my +profession, I am champion and garrison of this great city of New +Amsterdam." "I doubt me much," said Peter Stuyvesant, "that thou art +some scurvy costard-monger knave. How didst thou acquire this paramount +honor and dignity?" "Marry, sir," replied the other, "like many a great +man before me, simply _by sounding my own trumpet_." "Ay, is it so?" +quoth the Governor; "why, then, let us have a relish of thy art." +Whereupon the good Antony put his instrument to his lips, and sounded a +charge with such a tremendous outset, such a delectable quaver, and such +a triumphant cadence, that it was enough to make one's heart leap out of +one's mouth only to be within a mile of it. Like as a war-worn charger, +grazing in peaceful plains, starts at a strain of martial music, pricks +up his ears, and snorts, and paws, and kindles at the noise, so did the +heroic Peter joy to hear the clangor of the trumpet; for of him might +truly be said, what was recorded of the renowned St. George of England, +"there was nothing in all the world that more rejoiced his heart than to +hear the pleasant sound of war, and see the soldiers brandish forth +their steeled weapons." Casting his eye more kindly, therefore, upon the +sturdy Van Corlear, and finding him to be a jovial varlet, shrewd in his +discourse, yet of great discretion and immeasurable wind, he straightway +conceived a vast kindness for him, and discharging him from the +troublesome duty of garrisoning, defending and alarming the city, ever +after retained him about his person as his chief favorite, confidential +envoy and trusty squire. Instead of disturbing the city with disastrous +notes, he was instructed to play so as to delight the Governor while at +his repasts, as did the minstrels of yore in the days of the glorious +chivalry--and on all public occasions to rejoice the ears of the people +with warlike melody thereby keeping alive a noble and martial spirit. + + +GENERAL VAN POFFENBURGH + +It is tropically observed by honest old Socrates, that heaven infuses +into some men at their birth a portion of intellectual gold, into others +of intellectual silver, while others are intellectually furnished with +iron and brass. Of the last class was General Van Poffenburgh; and it +would seem as if dame Nature, who will sometimes be partial, had given +him brass enough for a dozen ordinary braziers. All this he had +contrived to pass off upon William the Testy for genuine gold; and the +little Governor would sit for hours and listen to his gunpowder stories +of exploits, which left those of Tirante the White, Don Belianis of +Greece, or St. George and the Dragon quite in the background. Having +been promoted by William Kieft to the command of his whole disposable +forces, he gave importance to his station by the grandiloquence of his +bulletins, always styling himself Commander-in-Chief of the Armies of +the New Netherlands, though in sober truth these armies were nothing +more than a handful of hen-stealing, bottle-bruising ragamuffins. + +In person he was not very tall, but exceedingly round; neither did his +bulk proceed from his being fat, but windy, being blown up by a +prodigious conviction of his own importance, until he resembled one of +those bags of wind given by AEolus, in an incredible fit of generosity, +to that vagabond warrior Ulysses. His windy endowments had long excited +the admiration of Antony Van Corlear, who is said to have hinted more +than once to William the Testy that in making Van Poffenburgh a general +he had spoiled an admirable trumpeter. + +As it is the practice in ancient story to give the reader a description +of the arms and equipments of every noted warrior, I will bestow a word +upon the dress of this redoubtable commander. It comported with his +character, being so crossed and slashed, and embroidered with lace and +tinsel, that he seemed to have as much brass without as nature had +stored away within. He was swathed, too, in a crimson sash, of the size +and texture of a fishing-net--doubtless to keep his swelling heart from +bursting through his ribs. His face glowed with furnace-heat from +between a huge pair of well-powdered whiskers, and his valorous soul +seemed ready to bounce out of a pair of large, glassy, blinking eyes, +projecting like those of a lobster. + +I swear to thee, worthy reader, if history and tradition belie not this +warrior, I would give all the money in my pocket to have seen him +accoutred _cap-a-pie_--booted to the middle, sashed to the chin, +collared to the ears, whiskered to the teeth, crowned with an +overshadowing cocked hat, and girded with a leathern belt ten inches +broad, from which trailed a falchion, of a length that I dare not +mention. Thus equipped, he strutted about, as bitter-looking a man of +war as the far-famed More, of Morehall, when he sallied forth to slay +the dragon of Wantley. For what says the ballad? + + "Had you but seen him in this dress, + How fierce he looked and how big, + You would have thought him for to be + Some Egyptian porcupig. + He frighted all--cats, dogs, and all, + Each cow, each horse, and each hog; + For fear they did flee, for they took him to be + Some strange outlandish hedgehog." + + --_Knickerbocker's History of New York._ + + * * * * * + +"A friend of mine," said a citizen, "asked me the other evening to go +and call on some friends of his who had lost the head of the family the +day previous. He had been an honest old man, a laborer with a pick and +shovel. While we were with the family an old man entered who had worked +by his side for years. Expressing his sorrow at the loss of his friend, +and glancing about the room, he observed a large floral anchor. +Scrutinizing it closely, he turned to the widow and in a low tone asked, +'Who sent the pick?'" + +While Butler was delivering a speech for the Democrats in Boston during +an exciting campaign, one of his hearers cried out, "How about the +spoons, Ben?" Benjamin's good eye twinkled merrily as he replied: "Now, +don't mention that, please. I was a Republican when I stole those +spoons." + + + + +BENJAMIN FRANKLIN + + +MAXIMS + +Never spare the parson's wine, nor the baker's pudding. + +A house without woman or firelight is like a body without soul or +sprite. + +Kings and bears often worry their keepers. + +Light purse, heavy heart. + +He's a fool that makes his doctor his heir. + +Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in. + +To lengthen thy life, lessen thy meals. + +He that drinks fast pays slow. + +He is ill-clothed who is bare of virtue. + +Beware of meat twice boil'd, and an old foe reconcil'd. + +The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of a wise man is in +his heart. + +He that is rich need not live sparingly, and he that can live sparingly +need not be rich. + +He that waits upon fortune is never sure of a dinner. + + + MODEL OF A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION OF A PERSON YOU ARE UNACQUAINTED + WITH + + PARIS, April 2, 1777. + + _Sir_: The bearer of this, who is going to America, presses me to + give him a letter of recommendation, though I know nothing of him, + not even his name. This may seem extraordinary, but I assure you it + is not uncommon here. Sometimes, indeed, one unknown person brings + another equally unknown, to recommend him; and sometimes they + recommend one another! As to this gentleman, I must refer you to + himself for his character and merits, with which he is certainly + better acquainted than I can possibly be. I recommend him, however, + to those civilities which every stranger, of whom one knows no harm, + has a right to; and I request you will do him all the favor that, on + further acquaintance, you shall find him to deserve. I have the + honor to be, etc. + + +EPITAPH FOR HIMSELF + + THE BODY + OF + BENJAMIN FRANKLIN + (LIKE THE COVER OF AN OLD BOOK, + ITS CONTENTS TORN OUT, + AND STRIPT OF ITS LETTERING AND GILDING), + LIES HERE FOOD FOR WORMS; + YET THE WORK ITSELF SHALL NOT BE LOST, + FOR IT WILL (AS HE BELIEVED) APPEAR ONCE MORE + IN A NEW + AND MORE BEAUTIFUL EDITION + CORRECTED AND AMENDED + BY + THE AUTHOR. + + +WHY HE LEFT + +Mr. Dickson, a colored barber in a large New England town, was shaving +one of his customers, a respectable citizen, one morning, when a +conversation occurred between them respecting Mr. Dickson's former +connection with a colored church in that place: + +"I believe you are connected with the church in Elm Street, are you not, +Mr. Dickson?" said the customer. + +"No, sah, not at all." + +"What! are you not a member of the African church?" + +"Not dis year, sah." + +"Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Dickson, if I may be permitted +to ask?" + +"Well, I'll tell you, sah," said Mr. Dickson, stropping a concave razor +on the palm of his hand, "it was just like dis. I jined de church in +good fait'; I gave ten dollars toward the stated gospil de first year, +and de church people call me '_Brudder_ Dickson'; de second year my +business not so good, and I gib only _five_ dollars. That year the +people call me '_Mr._ Dickson.' Dis razor hurt you, sah?" + +"No, the razor goes tolerably well." + +"Well, sah, de third year I feel berry poor; had sickness in my family; +I didn't gib _noffin_' for preachin'. Well, sah, arter dat dey call me +'_dat old nigger Dickson_'--and I left 'em." + + + + +WILLIAM ALLEN BUTLER + + +NOTHING TO WEAR + + Miss Flora M'Flimsey, of Madison Square, + Has made three separate journeys to Paris, + And her father assures me, each time she was there, + That she and her friend, Mrs. Harris + (Not the lady whose name is so famous in history, + But plain Mrs. H., without romance or mystery), + Spent six consecutive weeks, without stopping, + In one continuous round of shopping-- + Shopping alone, and shopping together, + At all hours of the day, and in all sorts of weather, + For all manner of things that a woman can put + On the crown of her head, or the sole of her foot, + Or wrap round her shoulders, or fit round her waist, + Or that can be sewed on, or pinned on, or laced, + Or tied on with a string, or stitched on with a bow + In front or behind, above or below; + For bonnets, mantillas, capes, collars and shawls; + Dresses for breakfasts, and dinners, and balls; + Dresses to sit in, and stand in, and walk in; + Dresses to dance in, and flirt in, and talk in; + Dresses in which to do nothing at all; + Dresses for winter, spring, summer and fall; + All of them different in color and shape, + Silk, muslin and lace, velvet, satin and crape, + Brocade and broadcloth, and other material, + Quite as expensive and much more ethereal; + In short, for all things that could ever be thought of, + Or milliner, _modiste_ or tradesman be bought of, + From ten-thousand-franc robes to twenty-sous frills; + In all quarters of Paris, and to every store, + While M'Flimsey in vain stormed, scolded and swore, + They footed the streets, and he footed the bills! + + The last trip, their goods shipped by the steamer _Arago_, + Formed, M'Flimsey declares, the bulk of her cargo, + Not to mention a quantity kept from the rest, + Sufficient to fill the largest-sized chest, + Which did not appear on the ship's manifest, + But for which the ladies themselves manifested + Such particular interest, that they invested + Their own proper persons in layers and rows + Of muslins, embroideries, worked underclothes, + Gloves, handkerchiefs, scarfs, and such trifles as those; + Then, wrapped in great shawls, like Circassian beauties, + Gave _good-by_ to the ship, and _go by_ to the duties. + Her relations at home all marveled, no doubt, + Miss Flora had grown so enormously stout + For an actual belle and a possible bride; + But the miracle ceased when she turned inside out, + And the truth came to light, and the dry-goods besides, + Which, in spite of Collector and Custom-House sentry, + Had entered the port without any entry. + + And yet, though scarce three months have passed since the day + This merchandise went, on twelve carts, up Broadway, + This same Miss M'Flimsey of Madison Square, + The last time we met was in utter despair, + Because she had nothing whatever to wear! + + Nothing to wear! Now, as this is a true ditty, + I do not assert--this, you know, is between us-- + That she's in a state of absolute nudity, + Like Powers's Greek Slave or the Medici Venus; + But I do mean to say, I have heard her declare, + When at the same moment she had on a dress + Which cost five hundred dollars, and not a cent less, + And jewelry worth ten times more, I should guess, + That she had not a thing in the wide world to wear! + + I should mention just here, that out of Miss Flora's + Two hundred and fifty or sixty adorers, + I had just been selected as he who should throw all + The rest in the shade, by the gracious bestowal + On myself, after twenty or thirty rejections, + Of those fossil remains which she called her "affections," + And that rather decayed but well-known work of art + Which Miss Flora persisted in styling her "heart." + So we were engaged. Our troth had been plighted, + Not by moonbeam or starbeam, by fountain or grove, + But in a front parlor, most brilliantly lighted, + Beneath the gas-fixtures, we whispered our love. + Without any romance, or raptures, or sighs, + Without any tears in Miss Flora's blue eyes, + Or blushes, or transports, or such silly actions, + It was one of the quietest business transactions, + With a very small sprinkling of sentiment, if any, + And a very large diamond imported by Tiffany. + On her virginal lips, while I printed a kiss, + She exclaimed, as a sort of parenthesis, + And by way of putting me quite at my ease, + "You know I'm to polka as much as I please, + And flirt when I like--now, stop, don't you speak-- + And you must not come here more than twice in the week, + Or talk to me either at party or ball, + But always be ready to come when I call; + So don't prose to me about duty and stuff, + If we don't break this off, there will be time enough + For that sort of thing; but the bargain must be + That, as long as I choose, I am perfectly free-- + For this is a kind of engagement, you see, + Which is binding on you, but not binding on me." + + Well, having thus wooed Miss M'Flimsey and gained her, + With the silks, crinolines, and hoops that contained her, + I had, as I thought, a contingent remainder + At least in the property, and the best right + To appear as its escort by day and by night; + And it being the week of the Stuckups' grand ball-- + Their cards had been out a fortnight or so, + And set all the Avenue on the tiptoe-- + I considered it only my duty to call, + And see if Miss Flora intended to go. + I found her--as ladies are apt to be found, + When the time intervening between the first sound + Of the bell and the visitor's entry is shorter + Than usual--I found; I won't say--I caught her, + Intent on the pier-glass, undoubtedly meaning + To see if perhaps it didn't need cleaning. + She turned as I entered--"Why, Harry, you sinner, + I thought that you went to the Flashers' to dinner!" + "So I did," I replied; "the dinner is swallowed, + And digested, I trust, for 'tis now nine and more, + So, being relieved from that duty, I followed + Inclination, which led me, you see, to your door; + And now will your ladyship so condescend + As just to inform me if you intend + Your beauty, and graces, and presence to lend + (All of which, when I own, I hope no one will borrow) + To the Stuckups', whose party, you know, is to-morrow?" + The fair Flora looked up, with a pitiful air, + And answered quite promptly, "Why, Harry, _mon cher_, + I should like above all things to go with you there, + But really and truly--I've nothing to wear." + "Nothing to wear! Go just as you are; + Wear the dress you have on, and you'll be by far, + I engage, the most bright and particular star + On the Stuckup horizon----" I stopped, for her eye, + Notwithstanding this delicate onset of flattery, + Opened on me at once a most terrible battery + Of scorn and amazement. She made no reply, + But gave a slight turn to the end of her nose + (That pure Grecian feature), as much as to say, + "How absurd that any sane man should suppose + That a lady would go to a ball in the clothes, + No matter how fine, that she wears every day!" + So I ventured again: "Wear your crimson brocade;" + (Second turn up of nose)--"That's too dark by a shade." + "Your blue silk"--"That's too heavy." "Your pink"--"That's too light." + "Wear tulle over satin"--"I can't endure white." + "Your rose-colored, then, the best of the batch"-- + "I haven't a thread of point-lace to match." + "Your brown _moire antique_"--"Yes, and look like a Quaker." + "The pearl-colored"--"I would, but that plaguy dressmaker + Has had it a week." "Then that exquisite lilac, + In which you would melt the heart of a Shylock;" + (Here the nose took again the same elevation)-- + "I wouldn't wear that for the whole of creation." + "Why not? It's my fancy, there's nothing could strike it + As more _comme it faut_"--"Yes, but, dear me, that lean + Sophronia Stuckup has got one just like it, + And I won't appear dressed like a chit of sixteen." + "Then that splendid purple, the sweet Mazarine; + That superb _point d'aiguille_, that imperial green, + That zephyr-like tarletan, that rich _grenadine_"-- + "Not one of all which is fit to be seen," + Said the lady, becoming excited and flushed. + "Then wear," I exclaimed, in a tone which quite crushed + Opposition, "that gorgeous _toilette_ which you sported + In Paris last spring, at the grand presentation, + When you quite turned the head of the head of the nation, + And by all the grand court were so very much courted." + The end of the nose was portentously tipped up + And both the bright eyes shot forth indignation, + As she burst upon me with the fierce exclamation, + "I have worn it three times, at the least calculation, + And that and most of my dresses are ripped up!" + Here I _ripped out_ something, perhaps rather rash, + Quite innocent, though; but to use an expression + More striking than classic, it "settled my hash," + And proved very soon the last act of our session. + "Fiddlesticks, is it, sir? I wonder the ceiling + Doesn't fall down and crush you--you men have no feeling; + You selfish, unnatural, illiberal creatures, + Who set yourselves up as patterns and preachers, + Your silly pretense--why, what a mere guess it is! + Pray, what do you know of a woman's necessities? + I have told you and shown you I've nothing to wear, + And it's perfectly plain you not only don't care, + But you do not believe me" (here the nose went still higher). + "I suppose, if you dared, you would call me a liar. + Our engagement is ended, sir--yes, on the spot; + You're a brute, and a monster, and--I don't know what." + I mildly suggested the words Hottentot, + Pickpocket, and cannibal, Tartar, and thief, + As gentle expletives which might give relief; + But this only proved as a spark to the powder, + And the storm I had raised came faster and louder; + It blew and it rained, thundered, lightened and hailed + Interjections, verbs, pronouns, till language quite failed + To express the abusive, and then its arrears + Were brought up all at once by a torrent of tears, + And my last faint, despairing attempt at an obs- + Ervation was lost in a tempest of sobs. + + Well, I felt for the lady, and felt for my hat, too, + Improvised on the crown of the latter a tattoo, + In lieu of expressing the feelings which lay + Quite too deep for words, as Wordsworth would say; + Then, without going through the form of a bow, + Found myself in the entry--I hardly know how, + On doorstep and sidewalk, past lamp-post and square, + At home and upstairs, in my own easy-chair; + Poked my feet into slippers, my fire into blaze, + And said to myself, as I lit my cigar, + "Supposing a man had the wealth of the Czar + Of the Russias to boot, for the rest of his days, + On the whole, do you think he would have much to spare, + If he married a woman with nothing to wear?" + + Since that night, taking pains that it should not be bruited + Abroad in society, I've instituted + A course of inquiry, extensive and thorough, + On this vital subject, and find, to my horror, + That the fair Flora's case is by no means surprising, + But that there exists the greatest distress + In our female community, solely arising + From this unsupplied destitution of dress, + Whose unfortunate victims are filling the air + With the pitiful wail of "Nothing to wear." + + Researches in some of the "Upper Ten" districts + Reveal the most painful and startling statistics, + Of which let me mention only a few: + In one single house on the Fifth Avenue, + Three young ladies were found, all below twenty-two, + Who have been three whole weeks without anything new + In the way of flounced silks, and thus left in the lurch, + Are unable to go to ball, concert or church. + In another large mansion near the same place + Was found a deplorable, heartrending case + Of entire destitution of Brussels point-lace. + In a neighboring block there was found, in three calls, + Total want, long continued, of camel's-hair shawls; + And a suffering family, whose case exhibits + The most pressing need of real ermine tippets; + One deserving young lady almost unable + To survive for the want of a new Russian sable; + Still another, whose tortures have been most terrific + Ever since the sad loss of the steamer _Pacific_, + In which were engulfed, not friend or relation + (For whose fate she, perhaps, might have found consolation, + Or borne it, at least, with serene resignation), + But the choicest assortment of French sleeves and collars + Ever sent out from Paris, worth thousands of dollars, + And all as to style most _recherche_ and rare, + The want of which leaves her with nothing to wear, + And renders her life so drear and dyspeptic + That she's quite a recluse, and almost a skeptic, + For she touchingly says that this sort of grief + Cannot find in Religion the slightest relief, + And Philosophy has not a maxim to spare + For the victims of such overwhelming despair. + But the saddest, by far, of all these sad features, + Is the cruelty practised upon the poor creatures + By husbands and fathers, real Bluebeards and Timons, + Who resist the most touching appeals made for diamonds + By their wives and their daughters, and leave them for days + Unsupplied with new jewelry, fans or bouquets, + Even laugh at their miseries whenever they have a chance, + And deride their demands as useless extravagance. + One case of a bride was brought to my view, + Too sad for belief, but alas! 'twas too true, + Whose husband refused, as savage as Charon, + To permit her to take more than ten trunks to Sharon. + The consequence was, that when she got there, + At the end of three weeks she had nothing to wear; + And when she proposed to finish the season + At Newport, the monster refused, out and out, + For his infamous conduct alleging no reason, + Except that the waters were good for his gout; + Such treatment as this was too shocking, of course, + And proceedings are now going on for divorce. + + But why harrow the feelings by lifting the curtain + From these scenes of woe? Enough, it is certain, + Has here been disclosed to stir up the pity + Of every benevolent heart in the city, + And spur up humanity into a canter + To rush and relieve these sad cases instanter. + Won't somebody, moved by this touching description, + Come forward to-morrow and head a subscription? + Won't some kind philanthropist, seeing that aid is + So needed at once by these indigent ladies, + Take charge of the matter? Or won't Peter Cooper + The corner-stone lay of some new splendid super- + Structure, like that which to-day links his name + In the Union unending of Honor and Fame, + And found a new charity just for the care + Of these unhappy women with nothing to wear, + Which, in view of the cash which would daily be claimed, + The _Laying-out_ Hospital well might be named? + Won't Stewart, or some of our dry-goods importers, + Take a contract for clothing our wives and our daughters? + Or, to furnish the cash to supply these distresses, + And life's pathway strew with shawls, collars and dresses, + Ere the want of them makes it much rougher and thornier, + Won't some one discover a new California? + O! ladies, dear ladies, the next sunny day, + Please trundle your hoops just out of Broadway, + From its swirl and its bustle, its fashion and pride + And the temples of Trade which tower on each side, + To the alleys and lanes, where Misfortune and Guilt + Their children have gathered, their city have built; + Where Hunger and Vice, like twin beasts of prey, + Have hunted their victims to gloom and despair; + Raise the rich, dainty dress, and the fine broidered skirt, + Pick your delicate way through the dampness and dirt. + Grope through the dark dens, climb the rickety stair + To the garret, where wretches, the young and the old, + Half starved and half naked, lie crouched from the cold; + See those skeleton limbs, those frost-bitten feet, + All bleeding and bruised by the stones of the street; + Hear the sharp cry of childhood, the deep groans that swell + From the poor dying creature who writhes on the floor; + Hear the curses that sound like the echoes of Hell, + As you sicken and shudder and fly from the door; + Then home to your wardrobes, and say, if you dare-- + Spoiled children of fashion--you've nothing to wear! + + And O! if perchance there should be a sphere + Where all is made right which so puzzles us here, + Where the glare and the glitter and tinsel of Time + Fade and die in the light of that region sublime, + Where the soul, disenchanted of flesh and of sense, + Unscreened by its trappings and shows and pretense, + Must be clothed for the life and the service above, + With purity, truth, faith, meekness and love, + O daughters of Earth! foolish virgins, beware! + Lest in that upper realm you have nothing to wear! + + +A BOY'S ESSAY ON GIRLS + +"Girls are very stuckup and dignefied in their manner and behaveyour. +They think more of dress than anything and like to play with dowls and +rags. They cry if they see a cow in afar distance and are afraid of +guns. They stay at home all the time and go to Church every Sunday. They +are al-ways sick. They are al-ways funy and making fun of boys hands and +they say how dirty. They cant play marbles. I pity them poor things. +They make fun of boys and then turn round and love them. I dont beleave +they ever kiled a cat or any thing. They look out every nite and say oh +ant the moon lovely. Thir is one thing I have not told and that is they +al-ways now their lessons bettern boys." + + + + +HENRY WARD BEECHER + + +DEACON MARBLE + +How they ever made a deacon out of Jerry Marble I never could imagine! +His was the kindest heart that ever bubbled and ran over. He was +elastic, tough, incessantly active, and a prodigious worker. He seemed +never to tire, but after the longest day's toil, he sprang up the moment +he had done with work, as if he were a fine steel spring. A few hours' +sleep sufficed him, and he saw the morning stars the year round. His +weazened face was leather color, but forever dimpling and changing to +keep some sort of congruity between itself and his eyes, that winked and +blinked and spilled over with merry good nature. He always seemed +afflicted when obliged to be sober. He had been known to laugh in +meeting on several occasions, although he ran his face behind his +handkerchief, and coughed, as if _that_ was the matter, yet nobody +believed it. Once, in a hot summer day, he saw Deacon Trowbridge, a +sober and fat man, of great sobriety, gradually ascending from the +bodily state into that spiritual condition called sleep. He was +blameless of the act. He had struggled against the temptation with the +whole virtue of a deacon. He had eaten two or three heads of fennel in +vain, and a piece of orange peel. He had stirred himself up, and fixed +his eyes on the minister with intense firmness, only to have them grow +gradually narrower and milder. If he held his head up firmly, it would +with a sudden lapse fall away over backward. If he leaned it a little +forward, it would drop suddenly into his bosom. At each nod, recovering +himself, he would nod again, with his eyes wide open, to impress upon +the boys that he did it on purpose both times. + +In what other painful event of life has a good man so little sympathy as +when overcome with sleep in meeting time? Against the insidious +seduction he arrays every conceivable resistance. He stands up awhile; +he pinches himself, or pricks himself with pins. He looks up helplessly +to the pulpit as if some succor might come thence. He crosses his legs +uncomfortably, and attempts to recite the catechism or the +multiplication table. He seizes a languid fan, which treacherously +leaves him in a calm. He tries to reason, to notice the phenomena. Oh, +that one could carry his pew to bed with him! What tossing wakefulness +there! what fiery chase after somnolency! In his lawful bed a man cannot +sleep, and in his pew he cannot keep awake! Happy man who does not sleep +in church! Deacon Trowbridge was not that man. Deacon Marble was! + +Deacon Marble witnessed the conflict we have sketched above, and when +good Mr. Trowbridge gave his next lurch, recovering himself with a +snort, and then drew out a red handkerchief and blew his nose with a +loud imitation, as if to let the boys know that he had not been asleep, +poor Deacon Marble was brought to a sore strait. But I have reason to +think that he would have weathered the stress if it had not been for a +sweet-faced little boy in the front of the gallery. The lad had been +innocently watching the same scene, and at its climax laughed out loud, +with a frank and musical explosion, and then suddenly disappeared +backward into his mother's lap. That laugh was just too much, and Deacon +Marble could no more help laughing than could Deacon Trowbridge help +sleeping. Nor could he conceal it. Though he coughed and put up his +handkerchief and hemmed--it _was_ a laugh--Deacon!--and every boy in the +house knew it, and liked you better for it--so inexperienced were +they.--_Norwood._ + + +THE DEACON'S TROUT + +He was a curious trout. I believe he knew Sunday just as well as Deacon +Marble did. At any rate, the Deacon thought the trout meant to aggravate +him. The Deacon, you know, is a little waggish. He often tells about +that trout. Says he: "One Sunday morning, just as I got along by the +willows, I heard an awful splash, and not ten feet from shore I saw the +trout, as long as my arm, just curving over like a bow and going down +with something for breakfast. Gracious says I, and I almost jumped out +of the wagon. But my wife Polly, says she, 'What on airth are you +thinkin' of, Deacon? It's Sabbath day, and you're goin' to meetin'! It's +a pretty business for a deacon!' That sort o' cooled me off. But I do +say that, for about a minute, I wished I wasn't a deacon. But 'twouldn't +make any difference, for I came down next day to mill on purpose, and I +came down once or twice more, and nothin' was to be seen, tho' I tried +him with the most temptin' things. Wal, next Sunday I came along agin, +and, to save my life I couldn't keep off worldly and wanderin' thoughts. +I tried to be sayin' my catechism, but I couldn't keep my eyes off the +pond as we came up to the willows. I'd got along in the catechism, as +smooth as the road, to the Fourth Commandment, and was sayin' it out +loud for Polly, and jist as I was sayin': '_What is required in the +Fourth Commandment?_' I heard a splash, and there was the trout, and, +afore I could think, I said: 'Gracious, Polly, I must have that trout.' +She almost riz right up, 'I knew you wa'n't sayin' your catechism +hearty. Is this the way you answer the question about keepin' the Lord's +day? I'm ashamed, Deacon Marble,' says she. 'You'd better change your +road, and go to meetin' on the road over the hill. If I was a deacon, I +wouldn't let a fish's tail whisk the whole catechism out of my head;' +and I had to go to meetin' on the hill road all the rest of the +summer."--_Norwood._ + + +THE DOG NOBLE AND THE EMPTY HOLE + +The first summer which we spent in Lenox we had along a very intelligent +dog, named Noble. He was learned in many things, and by his dog-lore +excited the undying admiration of all the children. But there were some +things which Noble could never learn. Having on one occasion seen a red +squirrel run into a hole in a stone wall, he could not be persuaded that +he was not there forevermore. + +Several red squirrels lived close to the house, and had become familiar, +but not tame. They kept up a regular romp with Noble. They would come +down from the maple trees with provoking coolness; they would run along +the fence almost within reach; they would cock their tails and sail +across the road to the barn; and yet there was such a well-timed +calculation under all this apparent rashness, that Noble invariably +arrived at the critical spot just as the squirrel left it. + +On one occasion Noble was so close upon his red-backed friend that, +unable to get up the maple tree, the squirrel dodged into a hole in the +wall, ran through the chinks, emerged at a little distance, and sprang +into the tree. The intense enthusiasm of the dog at that hole can hardly +be described. He filled it full of barking. He pawed and scratched as if +undermining a bastion. Standing off at a little distance, he would +pierce the hole with a gaze as intense and fixed as if he were trying +magnetism on it. Then, with tail extended, and every hair thereon +electrified, he would rush at the empty hole with a prodigious +onslaught. + +This imaginary squirrel haunted Noble night and day. The very squirrel +himself would run up before his face into the tree, and, crouched in a +crotch, would sit silently watching the whole process of bombarding the +empty hole, with great sobriety and relish. But Noble would allow of no +doubts. His conviction that that hole had a squirrel in it continued +unshaken for six weeks. When all other occupations failed, this hole +remained to him. When there were no more chickens to harry, no pigs to +bite, no cattle to chase, no children to romp with, no expeditions to +make with the grown folks, and when he had slept all that his dogskin +would hold, he would walk out of the yard, yawn and stretch himself, and +then look wistfully at the hole, as if thinking to himself, "Well, as +there is nothing else to do, I may as well try that hole again!"--_Eyes +and Ears._ + + * * * * * + +N. P. Willis was usually the life of the company he happened to be in. +His repartee at Mrs. Gales's dinner in Washington is famous. Mrs. Gales +wrote on a card to her niece, at the other end of the table: "Don't +flirt so with Nat Willis." She was herself talking vivaciously to a Mr. +Campbell. Willis wrote the niece's reply: + + "Dear aunt, don't attempt my young feelings to trammel. + Nor strain at a Nat while you swallow a Campbell." + + +OLD GRIMES + + Old Grimes is dead; that good old man + We never shall see more: + He used to wear a long, black coat, + All button'd down before. + + His heart was open as the day, + His feelings all were true: + His hair was some inclined to gray-- + He wore it in a queue. + + Whene'er he heard the voice of pain, + His breast with pity burn'd: + The large, round head upon his cane + From ivory was turn'd. + + Kind words he ever had for all; + He knew no base design: + His eyes were dark and rather small, + His nose was aquiline. + + He lived at peace with all mankind, + In friendship he was true: + His coat had pocket-holes behind, + His pantaloons were blue. + + Unharm'd, the sin which earth pollutes + He pass'd securely o'er, + And never wore a pair of boots + For thirty years or more. + + But good old Grimes is now at rest, + Nor fears misfortune's frown: + He wore a double-breasted vest-- + The stripes ran up and down. + + He modest merit sought to find, + And pay it its desert: + He had no malice in his mind, + No ruffles on his shirt. + + His neighbors he did not abuse-- + Was sociable and gay: + He wore large buckles on his shoes. + And changed them every day. + + His knowledge, hid from public gaze, + He did not bring to view, + Nor made a noise, town-meeting days, + As many people do. + + His worldly goods he never threw + In trust to fortune's chances, + But lived (as all his brothers do) + In easy circumstances. + + Thus undisturb'd by anxious cares. + His peaceful moments ran; + And everybody said he was + A fine old gentleman. + + + + +ALBERT GORTON GREENE. + + +IDENTIFIED + +Nathaniel Hawthorne was a kind-hearted man as well as a great novelist. +While he was consul at Liverpool a young Yankee walked into his office. +The boy had left home to seek his fortune, but evidently hadn't found it +yet, although he had crossed the sea in his search. Homesick, +friendless, nearly penniless, he wanted a passage home. The clerk said +Mr. Hawthorne could not be seen, and intimated that the boy was not +American, but was trying to steal a passage. The boy stuck to his point, +and the clerk at last went to the little room and said to Mr. Hawthorne: +"Here's a boy who insists upon seeing you. He says he is an American, +but I know he isn't." Hawthorne came out of the room and looked keenly +at the eager, ruddy face of the boy. "You want a passage to America?" + +"Yes, sir." + +"And you say you're an American?" + +"Yes, sir." + +"From what part of America?" + +"United States, sir." + +"What State?" + +"New Hampshire, sir." + +"Town?" + +"Exeter, sir." + +Hawthorne looked at him for a minute before asking him the next +question. "Who sold the best apples in your town?" + +"Skim-milk Folsom, sir," said the boy, with glistening eye, as the old +familiar by-word brought up the dear old scenes of home. + +"It's all right," said Hawthorne to the clerk; "give him a passage." + + +ONE BETTER + +Long after the victories of Washington over the French and English had +made his name familiar to all Europe, Doctor Franklin chanced to dine +with the English and French Ambassadors, when, as nearly as the precise +words can be recollected, the following toasts were drunk: + +"England'--The _Sun_, whose bright beams enlighten and fructify the +remotest corners of the earth." + +The French Ambassador, filled with national pride, but too polite to +dispute the previous toast, drank the following: + +"France'--The _Moon_, whose mild, steady and cheering rays are the +delight of all nations, consoling them in darkness and making their +dreariness beautiful." + +Doctor Franklin then arose, and, with his usual dignified simplicity, +said: + +"George Washington'--The Joshua who commanded the Sun and Moon to stand +still, and they obeyed him." + + +MY AUNT + + My aunt! my dear unmarried aunt! + Long years have o'er her flown; + Yet still she strains the aching clasp + That binds her virgin zone; + I know it hurts her--though she looks + As cheerful as she can; + Her waist is ampler than her life, + For life is but a span. + + My aunt, my poor deluded aunt! + Her hair is almost gray; + Why will she train that winter curl + In such a spring-like way? + How can she lay her glasses down, + And say she reads as well, + When, through a double convex lens, + She just makes out to spell? + + Her father--grandpapa! forgive + This erring lip its smiles-- + Vowed she would make the finest girl + Within a hundred miles. + He sent her to a stylish school; + 'Twas in her thirteenth June; + And with her, as the rules required, + "Two towels and a spoon." + + They braced my aunt against a board, + To make her straight and tall; + They laced her up, they starved her down, + To make her light and small; + They pinched her feet, they singed her hair, + They screwed it up with pins-- + O never mortal suffered more + In penance for her sins. + + So, when my precious aunt was done, + My grandsire brought her back + (By daylight, lest some rabid youth + Might follow on the track); + "Ah!" said my grandsire, as he shook + Some powder in his pan, + "What could this lovely creature do + Against a desperate man!" + + Alas! nor chariot, nor barouche, + Nor bandit cavalcade + Tore from the trembling father's arms + His all-accomplished maid. + For her how happy had it been! + And Heaven had spared to me + To see one sad, ungathered rose + On my ancestral tree. + + OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. + + + + +N. P. WILLIS + + +MISS ALBINA McLUSH + +I have a passion for fat women. If there is anything I hate in life, it +is what dainty people call a _spirituelle_. Motion--rapid motion--a +smart, quick, squirrel-like step, a pert, voluble tone--in short, a +lively girl--is my exquisite horror! I would as lief have a _diable +petit_ dancing his infernal hornpipe on my cerebellum as to be in the +room with one. I have tried before now to school myself into liking +these parched peas of humanity. I have followed them with my eyes, and +attended to their rattle till I was as crazy as a fly in a drum. I have +danced with them, and romped with them in the country, and periled the +salvation of my "white tights" by sitting near them at supper. I swear +off from this moment. I do. I won't--no--hang me if ever I show another +small, lively, _spry_ woman a civility. + +Albina McLush is divine. She is like the description of the Persian +beauty by Hafiz: "Her heart is full of passion and her eyes are full of +sleep." She is the sister of Lurly McLush, my old college chum, who, as +early as his sophomore year, was chosen president of the _Dolce far +niente_ Society--no member of which was ever known to be surprised at +anything--(the college law of rising before breakfast excepted). Lurly +introduced me to his sister one day, as he was lying upon a heap of +turnips, leaning on his elbow with his head in his hand, in a green lane +in the suburbs. He had driven over a stump, and been tossed out of his +gig, and I came up just as he was wondering how in the D----l's name he +got there! Albina sat quietly in the gig, and when I was presented, +requested me, with a delicious drawl, to say nothing about the +adventure--it would be so troublesome to relate it to everybody! I loved +her from that moment. Miss McLush was tall, and her shape, of its kind, +was perfect. It was not a _fleshy_ one exactly, but she was large and +full. Her skin was clear, fine-grained and transparent; her temples and +forehead perfectly rounded and polished, and her lips and chin swelling +into a ripe and tempting pout, like the cleft of a bursted apricot. And +then her eyes--large, liquid and sleepy--they languished beneath their +long black fringes as if they had no business with daylight--like two +magnificent dreams, surprised in their jet embryos by some bird-nesting +cherub. Oh! it was lovely to look into them! + +She sat, usually, upon a _fauteuil_, with her large, full arm embedded +in the cushion, sometimes for hours without stirring. I have seen the +wind lift the masses of dark hair from her shoulders when it seemed like +the coming to life of a marble Hebe--she had been motionless so long. +She was a model for a goddess of sleep as she sat with her eyes half +closed, lifting up their superb lids slowly as you spoke to her, and +dropping them again with the deliberate motion of a cloud, when she had +murmured out her syllable of assent. Her figure, in a sitting posture, +presented a gentle declivity from the curve of her neck to the instep of +the small round foot lying on its side upon the ottoman. I remember a +fellow's bringing her a plate of fruit one evening. He was one of your +lively men--a horrid monster, all right angles and activity. Having +never been accustomed to hold her own plate, she had not well extricated +her whole fingers from her handkerchief before he set it down in her +lap. As it began to slide slowly toward her feet, her hand relapsed into +the muslin folds, and she fixed her eye upon it with a kind of indolent +surprise, drooping her lids gradually till, as the fruit scattered over +the ottoman, they closed entirely, and a liquid jet line was alone +visible through the heavy lashes. There was an imperial indifference in +it worthy of Juno. + +Miss McLush rarely walks. When she does, it is with the deliberate +majesty of a Dido. Her small, plump feet melt to the ground like +snowflakes; and her figure sways to the indolent motion of her limbs +with a glorious grace and yieldingness quite indescribable. She was +idling slowly up the Mall one evening just at twilight, with a servant +at a short distance behind her, who, to while away the time between his +steps, was employing himself in throwing stones at the cows feeding +upon the Common. A gentleman, with a natural admiration for her splendid +person, addressed her. He might have done a more eccentric thing. +Without troubling herself to look at him, she turned to her servant and +requested him, with a yawn of desperate ennui, to knock that fellow +down! John obeyed his orders; and, as his mistress resumed her lounge, +picked up a new handful of pebbles, and tossing one at the nearest cow, +loitered lazily after. + +Such supreme indolence was irresistible. I gave in--I--who never +before could summon energy to sigh--I--to whom a declaration was +but a synonym for perspiration--I--who had only thought of love +as a nervous complaint, and of women but to pray for a good +deliverance--I--yes--I--knocked under. Albina McLush! Thou wert too +exquisitely lazy. Human sensibilities cannot hold out forever. + +I found her one morning sipping her coffee at twelve, with her eyes wide +open. She was just from the bath, and her complexion had a soft, dewy +transparency, like the cheek of Venus rising from the sea. It was the +hour, Lurly had told me, when she would be at the trouble of thinking. +She put away with her dimpled forefinger, as I entered, a cluster of +rich curls that had fallen over her face, and nodded to me like a +water-lily swaying to the wind when its cup is full of rain. + +"Lady Albina," said I, in my softest tone, "how are you?" + +"Bettina," said she, addressing her maid in a voice as clouded and rich +as the south wind on an AEolian, "how am I to-day?" + +The conversation fell into short sentences. The dialogue became a +monologue. I entered upon my declaration. With the assistance of +Bettina, who supplied her mistress with cologne, I kept her attention +alive through the incipient circumstances. Symptoms were soon told. I +came to the avowal. Her hand lay reposing on the arm of the sofa, half +buried in a muslin _foulard_. I took it up and pressed the cool soft +fingers to my lips--unforbidden. I rose and looked into her eyes for +confirmation. Delicious creature! she was asleep! + +I never have had courage to renew the subject. Miss McLush seems to have +forgotten it altogether. Upon reflection, too, I'm convinced she would +not survive the excitement of the ceremony--unless, indeed, she should +sleep between the responses and the prayer. I am still devoted, however, +and if there should come a war or an earthquake, or if the millennium +should commence, as is expected in 18----, or if anything happens that +can keep her waking so long, I shall deliver a declaration, abbreviated +for me by a scholar-friend of mine, which, he warrants, may be +articulated in fifteen minutes--without fatigue. + + +A SMACK IN SCHOOL + + A district school, not far away, + 'Mid Berkshire's hills, one winter's day, + Was humming with its wonted noise + Of threescore mingled girls and boys; + Some few upon their tasks intent, + But more on furtive mischief bent. + The while the master's downward look + Was fastened on a copy-book; + When suddenly, behind his back, + Rose sharp and clear a rousing smack! + As 'twere a battery of bliss + Let off in one tremendous kiss! + "What's that?" the startled master cries; + "That, thir," a little imp replies, + "Wath William Willith, if you pleathe---- + I thaw him kith Thuthanna Peathe!" + With frown to make a statue thrill, + The master thundered, "Hither, Will!" + Like wretch o'ertaken in his track, + With stolen chattels on his back, + Will hung his head in fear and shame, + And to the awful presence came---- + A great, green, bashful simpleton, + The butt of all good-natured fun. + With smile suppressed, and birch upraised, + The thunderer faltered--"I'm amazed + That you, my biggest pupil, should + Be guilty of an act so rude! + Before the whole set school to boot---- + What evil genius put you to't?" + "'Twas she herself, sir," sobbed the lad; + "I did not mean to be so bad; + But when Susannah shook her curls, + And whispered, I was 'fraid of girls + And dursn't kiss a baby's doll, + I couldn't stand it, sir, at all, + But up and kissed her on the spot! + I know--boo--hoo--I ought to not, + But, somehow, from her looks--boo--hoo---- + I thought she kind o' wished me to!" + + WILLIAM PITT PALMER. + + +A RENDITION + +Two old British sailors were talking over their shore experience. One +had been to a cathedral and had heard some very fine music, and was +descanting particularly upon an anthem which gave him much pleasure. His +shipmate listened for awhile, and then said: + +"I say, Bill, what's a hanthem?" + +"What," replied Bill, "do you mean to say you don't know what a hanthem +is?" + +"Not me." + +"Well, then, I'll tell yer. If I was to tell yer, 'Ere, Bill, give me +that 'andspike,' that wouldn't be a hanthem;' but was I to say, 'Bill, +Bill, giv, giv, give me, give me that, Bill, give me, give me that hand, +handspike, hand, handspike, spike, spike, spike, ah-men, ahmen. Bill, +givemethat-handspike, spike, ahmen!' why, that would be a hanthem." + + + + +B. P. SHILLABER ("Mrs. Partington") + + +FANCY DISEASES + +"Diseases is very various," said Mrs. Partington, as she returned from a +street-door conversation with Doctor Bolus. "The Doctor tells me that +poor old Mrs. Haze has got two buckles on her lungs! It is dreadful to +think of, I declare. The diseases is so various! One way we hear of +people's dying of hermitage of the lungs; another way, of the brown +creatures; here they tell us of the elementary canal being out of order, +and there about tonsors of the throat; here we hear of neurology in the +head, there, of an embargo; one side of us we hear of men being killed +by getting a pound of tough beef in the sarcofagus, and there another +kills himself by discovering his jocular vein. Things change so that I +declare I don't know how to subscribe for any diseases nowadays. New +names and new nostrils takes the place of the old, and I might as well +throw my old herb-bag away." + +Fifteen minutes afterward Isaac had that herb-bag for a target, and +broke three squares of glass in the cellar window in trying to hit it, +before the old lady knew what he was about. She didn't mean exactly what +she said. + + +BAILED OUT + +"So, our neighbour, Mr. Guzzle, has been arranged at the bar for +drunkardice," said Mrs. Partington; and she sighed as she thought of his +wife and children at home, with the cold weather close at hand, and the +searching winds intruding through the chinks in the windows, and waving +the tattered curtain like a banner, where the little ones stood +shivering by the faint embers. "God forgive him, and pity them!" said +she, in a tone of voice tremulous with emotion. + +"But he was bailed out," said Ike, who had devoured the residue of the +paragraph, and laid the paper in a pan of liquid custard that the dame +was preparing for Thanksgiving, and sat swinging the oven door to and +fro as if to fan the fire that crackled and blazed within. + +"Bailed out, was he?" said she; "well, I should think it would have been +cheaper to have pumped him out, for, when our cellar was filled, arter +the city fathers had degraded the street, we had to have it pumped out, +though there wasn't half so much in it as he has swilled down." + +She paused and reached up on the high shelves of the closet for her pie +plates, while Ike busied himself in tasting the various preparations. +The dame thought that was the smallest quart of sweet cider she had ever +seen. + + +SEEKING A COMET + +It was with an anxious feeling that Mrs. Partington, having smoked her +specs, directed her gaze toward the western sky, in quest of the +tailless comet of 1850. + +"I can't see it," said she; and a shade of vexation was perceptible in +the tone of her voice. "I don't think much of this explanatory system," +continued she, "that they praise so, where the stars are mixed up so +that _I_ can't tell Jew Peter from Satan, nor the consternation of the +Great Bear from the man in the moon. 'Tis all dark to me. I don't +believe there is any comet at all. Who ever heard of a comet without a +tail, I should like to know? It isn't natural; but the printers will +make a tale for it fast enough, for they are always getting up comical +stories." + +With a complaint about the falling dew, and a slight murmur of +disappointment, the dame disappeared behind a deal door like the moon +behind a cloud. + + +GOING TO CALIFORNIA + +"Dear me!" exclaimed Mrs. Partington sorrowfully, "how much a man will +bear, and how far he will go, to get the soddered dross, as Parson +Martin called it when he refused the beggar a sixpence for fear it might +lead him into extravagance! Everybody is going to California and Chagrin +arter gold. Cousin Jones and the three Smiths have gone; and Mr. Chip, +the carpenter, has left his wife and seven children and a blessed old +mother-in-law, to seek his fortin, too. This is the strangest yet, and I +don't see how he could have done it; it looks so ongrateful to treat +Heaven's blessings so lightly. But there, we are told that the love of +money is the root of all evil, and how true it is! for they are now +rooting arter it, like pigs arter ground-nuts. Why, it is a perfect +money mania among everybody!" + +And she shook her head doubtingly, as she pensively watched a small mug +of cider, with an apple in it, simmering by the winter fire. She was +somewhat fond of a drink made in this way. + + +MRS. PARTINGTON IN COURT + +"I took my knitting-work and went up into the gallery," said Mrs. +Partington, the day after visiting one of the city courts; "I went up +into the gallery, and after I had adjusted my specs, I looked down into +the room, but I couldn't see any courting going on. An old gentleman +seemed to be asking a good many impertinent questions--just like some +old folks--and people were sitting around making minutes of the +conversation. I don't see how they made out what was said, for they all +told different stories. How much easier it would be to get along if they +were all made to tell the same story! What a sight of trouble it would +save the lawyers! The case, as they call it, was given to the jury, but +I couldn't see it, and a gentleman with a long pole was made to swear +that he'd keep an eye on 'em, and see that they didn't run away with it. +Bimeby in they came again, and they said somebody was guilty of +something, who had just said he was innocent, and didn't know nothing +about it no more than the little baby that had never subsistence. I come +away soon afterward; but I couldn't help thinking how trying it must be +to sit there all day, shut out from the blessed air!" + + * * * * * + +Apropos of Superintendent Andrews's reported objection to the singing of +the "Recessional" in the Chicago public schools on the ground that the +atheists might be offended, the _Chicago Post_ says: + +For the benefit of our skittish friends, the atheists, and in order not +to deprive the public-school children of the literary beauties of +certain poems that may be classed by Doctor Andrews as "hymns," we +venture to suggest this compromise, taking a few lines in illustration +from our National anthem: + + "Our fathers' God--assuming purely for the + sake of argument that there is a God--to Thee, + Author of liberty--with apologies to our friends, + the atheists-- + + To Thee I sing--but we needn't mean it, you + know. + + Long may our land be bright, + + With freedom's holy light; + + Protect us by Thy might--remember, this is + purely hypothetical---- + + Great God--again assuming that there is a God--our + king--simply an allegorical phrase and + not intended offensively to any taxpayer." + + + + +OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES + + +THE DEACON'S MASTERPIECE; Or, the Wonderful "One-hoss Shay" + + A LOGICAL STORY + + Have you heard of the wonderful one-hoss shay + That was built in such a logical way, + It ran a hundred years to a day, + And then, of a sudden, it--ah, but stay, + I'll tell you what happened without delay, + Scaring the parson into fits, + Frightening people out of their wits---- + Have you ever heard of that, I say? + + Seventeen hundred and fifty-five. + _Georgius Secundus_ was then alive---- + Snuffy old drone from the German hive. + That was the year when Lisbon-town + Saw the earth open and gulp her down, + And Braddock's army was done so brown, + Left without a scalp to its crown. + It was on the terrible Earthquake day + That the Deacon finished the one-hoss shay. + + Now in building of chaises, I tell you what, + There is always _somewhere_ a weakest spot---- + In hub, tire, felloe, in spring or thill, + In panel, or crossbar, or floor, or sill, + In screw, bolt, thoroughbrace--lurking still, + Find it somewhere you must and will---- + Above or below, or within or without---- + And that's the reason, beyond a doubt, + That a chaise _breaks down_, but doesn't _wear out_. + + But the Deacon swore (as deacons do, + With an "I dew vum," or an "I tell _yeou_") + He would build one shay to beat the taown + 'N' the keounty, 'n' all the kentry raoun'; + It should be so built that it _couldn'_ break daown: + --"Fur," said the Deacon, "'t's mighty plain + Thut the weakes' place mus' stan' the strain; + 'N' the way t' fix it, uz I maintain, + Is only jest + T' make that place uz strong uz the rest." + + So the Deacon inquired of the village folk + Where he could find the strongest oak, + That couldn't be split nor bent nor broke---- + That was for spokes and floor and sills; + He sent for lancewood to make the thills; + The crossbars were ash, from the straightest trees, + The panels of white-wood, that cuts like cheese, + But lasts like iron for things like these; + The hubs of logs from the "Settler's ellum"---- + Last of its timber--they couldn't sell 'em, + Never an ax had seen their chips, + And the wedges flew from between their lips, + Their blunt ends frizzled like celery-tips; + Step and prop-iron, bolt and screw, + Spring, tire, axle, and linchpin, too, + Steel of the finest, bright and blue; + Thoroughbrace bison-skin, thick and wide; + Boot, top, dasher, from tough old hide + Found in the pit when the tanner died. + That was the way he "put her through"---- + "There!" said the Deacon, "naow she'll dew!" + + Do! I tell you, I rather guess + She was a wonder and nothing less! + Colts grew horses, beards turned gray, + Deacon and Deaconess dropped away, + Children and grandchildren--where were they? + But there stood the stout old one-hoss shay + As fresh as on Lisbon-earthquake day! + + Eighteen hundred--it came and found + The Deacon's masterpiece strong and sound. + Eighteen hundred increased by ten---- + "Hahnsum kerridge" they called it then. + Eighteen hundred and twenty came---- + Running as usual; much the same. + Thirty and forty at last arrived, + And then come fifty, and FIFTY-FIVE. + + Little of all we value here + Wakes on the morn of its hundredth year + Without both feeling and looking queer. + In fact, there's nothing that keeps its youth, + So far as I know, but a tree and truth. + (This is a moral that runs at large; + Take it--You're welcome--No extra charge.) + + First of November--the Earthquake-day---- + There are traces of age in the one-hoss shay, + A general flavor of mild decay, + But nothing local, as one may say. + There couldn't be--for the Deacon's art + Had made it so like in every part + That there wasn't a chance for one to start. + For the wheels were just as strong as the thills, + And the floor was just as strong as the sills, + And the panels just as strong as the floor, + And the whipple-tree neither less nor more, + And the back crossbar as strong as the fore, + And spring and axle and hub _encore_. + And yet, _as a whole_, it is past a doubt + In another hour it will be _worn out_! + + First of November, 'Fifty-five! + This morning the parson takes a drive. + Now, small boys, get out of the way! + Here comes the wonderful one-hoss shay, + Drawn by a rat-tailed, ewe-necked bay. + "Huddup!" said the parson--Off went they. + The parson was working his Sunday's text---- + Had got to _fifthly_, and stopped perplexed + At what the--Moses--was coming next. + + All at once the horse stood still, + Close by the meet'n' house on the hill. + --First a shiver, and then a thrill, + Then something decidedly like a spill---- + And the parson was sitting upon a rock, + At half-past nine by the meet'n'-house clock---- + Just the hour of the Earthquake shock! + --What do you think the parson found, + When he got up and stared around? + The poor old chaise in a heap or mound, + As if it had been to the mill and ground! + You see, of course, if you're not a dunce, + How it went to pieces all at once---- + All at once, and nothing first---- + Just as bubbles do when they burst. + + End of the wonderful one-hoss shay. + Logic is logic. That's all I say. + + * * * * * + +A certain learned professor in New York has a wife and family, but, +professor-like, his thoughts are always with his books. + +One evening his wife, who had been out for some hours, returned to find +the house remarkably quiet. She had left the children playing about, but +now they were nowhere to be seen. + +She demanded to be told what had become of them, and the professor +explained that, as they had made a good deal of noise, he had put them +to bed without waiting for her or calling a maid. + +"I hope they gave you no trouble," she said. + +"No," replied the professor, "with the exception of the one in the cot +here. He objected a good deal to my undressing him and putting him to +bed." + +The wife went to inspect the cot. + +"Why," she exclaimed, "that's little Johnny Green, from next door." + + +FIVE LIVES + + Five mites of monads dwelt in a round drop + That twinkled on a leaf by a pool in the sun. + To the naked eye they lived invisible; + Specks, for a world of whom the empty shell + Of a mustard-seed had been a hollow sky. + + One was a meditative monad, called a sage; + And, shrinking all his mind within, he thought: + "Tradition, handed down for hours and hours, + Tells that our globe, this quivering crystal world, + Is slowly dying. What if, seconds hence + When I am very old, yon shimmering doom + Comes drawing down and down, till all things end?" + Then with a wizen smirk he proudly felt + No other mote of God had ever gained + Such giant grasp of universal truth. + + One was a transcendental monad; thin + And long and slim of mind; and thus he mused: + "Oh, vast, unfathomable monad-souls! + Made in the image"--a hoarse frog croaks from the pool, + "Hark! 'twas some god, voicing his glorious thought + In thunder music. Yea, we hear their voice, + And we may guess their minds from ours, their work. + Some taste they have like ours, some tendency + To wriggle about, and munch a trace of scum." + He floated up on a pin-point bubble of gas + That burst, pricked by the air, and he was gone. + + One was a barren-minded monad, called + A positivist; and he knew positively; + "There was no world beyond this certain drop. + Prove me another! Let the dreamers dream + Of their faint gleams, and noises from without, + And higher and lower; life is life enough." + Then swaggering half a hair's breadth hungrily, + He seized upon an atom of bug, and fed. + + One was a tattered monad, called a poet; + And with a shrill voice ecstatic thus he sang: + "Oh, little female monad's lips! + Oh, little female monad's eyes! + Ah, the little, little, female, female monad!" + The last was a strong-minded monadess, + Who dashed amid the infusoria, + Danced high and low, and wildly spun and dove, + Till the dizzy others held their breath to see. + + But while they led their wondrous little lives + AEonian moments had gone wheeling by, + The burning drop had shrunk with fearful speed: + A glistening film--'twas gone; the leaf was dry. + The little ghost of an inaudible squeak + Was lost to the frog that goggled from his stone; + Who, at the huge, slow tread of a thoughtful ox + Coming to drink, stirred sideways fatly, plunged, + Launched backward twice, and all the pool was still. + + EDWARD ROWLAND SILL. + + + + +JAMES T. FIELDS + + +THE OWL-CRITIC + +A Lesson to Fault-finders + + "Who stuffed that white owl?" No one spoke in the shop: + The barber was busy, and he couldn't stop; + The customers, waiting their turns, were all reading + The _Daily_, the _Herald_, the _Post_, little heeding + The young man who blurted out such a blunt question; + Not one raised a head or even made a suggestion; + And the barber kept on shaving. + + "Don't you see, Mister Brown," + Cried the youth, with a frown, + "How wrong the whole thing is, + How preposterous each wing is, + How flattened the head is, how jammed down the neck is-- + In short, the whole owl, what an ignorant wreck 'tis! + I make no apology; + I've learned owl-eology. + I've passed days and nights in a hundred collections, + And cannot be blinded to any deflections + Arising from unskilful fingers that fail + To stuff a bird right, from his beak to his tail. + Mister Brown! Mister Brown! + Do take that bird down, + Or you'll soon be the laughing-stock all over town!" + And the barber kept on shaving. + + "I've _studied_ owls, + And other night fowls, + And I tell you + What I know to be true: + An owl cannot roost + With his limbs so unloosed; + No owl in this world + Ever had his claws curled, + Ever had his legs slanted, + Ever had his bill canted, + Ever had his neck screwed + Into that attitude. + He can't _do_ it, because + 'Tis against all bird-laws + Anatomy teaches, + Ornithology preaches + An owl has a toe + That _can't_ turn out so! + I've made the white owl my study for years, + And to see such a job almost moves me to tears! + Mister Brown, I'm amazed + You should be so gone crazed + As to put up a bird + In that posture absurd! + To _look_ at that owl really brings on a dizziness; + The man who stuffed _him_ don't half know his business!" + And the barber kept on shaving. + + "Examine those eyes. + I'm filled with surprise + Taxidermists should pass + Off on you such poor glass; + So unnatural they seem + They'd make Audubon scream, + And John Burroughs laugh + To encounter such chaff. + Do take that bird down; + Have him stuffed again, Brown!" + And the barber kept on shaving. + + "With some sawdust and bark + I would stuff in the dark + An owl better than that; + I could make an old hat + Look more like an owl + Than that horrid fowl, + Stuck up there so stiff like a side of coarse leather. + In fact, about _him_ there's not one natural feather." + + Just then, with a wink and a sly normal lurch, + The owl, very gravely, got down from his perch, + Walked round, and regarded his fault-finding critic + (Who thought he was stuffed) with a glance analytic, + And then fairly hooted, as if he should say: + "Your learning's at fault _this_ time, anyway; + Don't waste it again on a live bird, I pray. + I'm an owl; you're another. Sir Critic, good-day!" + And the barber kept on shaving. + + +A CAUSE FOR THANKS + +A country parson, in encountering a storm the past season in the voyage +across the Atlantic, was reminded of the following: A clergyman was so +unfortunate as to be caught in a severe gale in the voyage out. The +water was exceedingly rough, and the ship persistently buried her nose +in the sea. The rolling was constant, and at last the good man got +thoroughly frightened. He believed they were destined for a watery +grave. He asked the captain if he could not have prayers. The captain +took him by the arm and led him down to the forecastle, where the tars +were singing and swearing. "There," said he, "when you hear them +swearing, you may know there is no danger." He went back feeling better, +but the storm increased his alarm. Disconsolate and unassisted, he +managed to stagger to the forecastle again. The ancient mariners were +swearing as ever. "Mary," he said to his sympathetic wife, as he crawled +into his berth after tacking across a wet deck, "Mary, thank God they're +swearing yet." + + + + +JOHN HAY + + +LITTLE BREECHES + + I don't go much on religion, + I never ain't had no show; + But I've got a middlin' tight grip, sir, + On the handful o' things I know. + I don't pan out on the prophets + And free-will and that sort of thing---- + But I b'lieve in God and the angels, + Ever sence one night last spring. + + I come into town with some turnips, + And my little Gabe come along---- + No four-year-old in the county + Could beat him for pretty and strong, + Peart and chipper and sassy, + Always ready to swear and fight---- + And I'd larnt him to chaw terbacker + Jest to keep his milk-teeth white. + + The snow come down like a blanket + As I passed by Taggart's store; + I went in for a jug of molasses + And left the team at the door. + They scared at something and started---- + I heard one little squall, + And hell-to-split over the prairie + Went team, Little Breeches and all. + + Hell-to-split over the prairie! + I was almost froze with skeer; + But we rousted up some torches, + And sarched for 'em far and near. + At last we struck horses and wagon, + Snowed under a soft white mound, + Upsot, dead beat--but of little Gabe + Nor hide nor hair was found. + + And here all hope soured on me, + Of my fellow-critter's aid---- + I jest flopped down on my marrow-bones, + Crotch-deep in the snow, and prayed. + + By this, the torches was played out, + And me and Isrul Parr + Went off for some wood to a sheepfold + That he said was somewhar thar. + + We found it at last, and a little shed + Where they shut up the lambs at night. + We looked in and seen them huddled thar, + So warm and sleepy and white; + And THAR sot Little Breeches, and chirped, + As peart as ever you see: + "I want a chaw of terbacker, + And that's what's the matter of me." + + How did he git thar? Angels. + He could never have walked in that storm; + They jest scooped down and toted him + To whar it was safe and warm. + + And I think that saving a little child, + And bringing him to his own, + Is a derned sight better business + Than loafing around The Throne. + + * * * * * + +Artemus Ward, when in London, gave a children's party. One of John +Bright's sons was invited, and returned home radiant. "Oh, papa," he +explained, on being asked whether he had enjoyed himself, "indeed I did. +And Mr. Browne gave me such a nice name for you, papa." + +"What was that?" + +"Why, he asked me how that gay and festive cuss, the governor, was!" +replied the boy. + + * * * * * + +It was on a train going through Indiana. Among the passengers were a +newly married couple, who made themselves known to such an extent that +the occupants of the car commenced passing sarcastic remarks about them. +The bride and groom stood the remarks for some time, but finally the +latter, who was a man of tremendous size, broke out in the following +language at his tormenters: "Yes, we're married--just married. We are +going 160 miles farther, and I am going to 'spoon' all the way. If you +don't like it, you can get out and walk. She's my violet and I'm her +sheltering oak." + +During the remainder of the journey they were left in peace. + + + + +HENRY W. SHAW ("Josh Billings") + + +NATRAL AND UNNATRAL ARISTOKRATS + +Natur furnishes all the nobleman we hav. + +She holds the pattent. + +Pedigree haz no more to do in making a man aktually grater than he iz, +than a pekok's feather in his hat haz in making him aktually taller. + +This iz a hard phakt for some tew learn. + +This mundane earth iz thik with male and femail ones who think they are +grate bekause their ansesstor waz luckey in the sope or tobacco trade; +and altho the sope haz run out sumtime since, they try tew phool +themselves and other folks with the suds. + +Sope-suds iz a prekarious bubble. + +Thare ain't nothing so thin on the ribs az a sope-suds aristokrat. + +When the world stands in need ov an aristokrat, natur pitches one into +it, and furnishes him papers without enny flaw in them. + +Aristokrasy kant be transmitted--natur sez so--in the papers. + +Titles are a plan got up bi humans tew assist natur in promulgating +aristokrasy. + +Titles ain't ov enny more real use or necessity than dog collars are. + +I hav seen dog collars that kost 3 dollars on dogs that wan't worth, in +enny market, over 87-1/2 cents. + +This iz a grate waste of collar; and a grate damage tew the dog. + +Natur don't put but one ingredient into her kind ov aristokrasy, and +that iz virtew. + +She wets up the virtew, sumtimes, with a little pepper sass, just tew +make it lively. + +She sez that all other kinds are false; and i beleave natur. + +I wish every man and woman on earth waz a bloated aristokrat--bloated +with virtew. + +Earthly manufaktured aristokrats are made principally out ov munny. + +Forty years ago it took about 85 thousand dollars tew make a good-sized +aristokrat, and innokulate his family with the same disseaze, but it +takes now about 600 thousand tew throw the partys into fits. + +Aristokrasy, like of the other bred stuffs, haz riz. + +It don't take enny more virtew tew make an aristokrat now, nor clothes, +than it did in the daze ov Abraham. + +Virtew don't vary. + +Virtew is the standard ov values. + +Clothes ain't. + +Titles ain't. + +A man kan go barefoot and be virtewous, and be an aristokrat. + +Diogoneze waz an aristokrat. + +His brown-stun front waz a tub, and it want on end, at that. + +Moneyed aristokrasy iz very good to liv on in the present hi kondishun +ov kodphis and wearing apparel, provided yu see the munny, but if the +munny kind of tires out and don't reach yu, and you don't git ennything +but the aristokrasy, you hay got to diet, that's all. + +I kno ov thousands who are now dieting on aristokrasy. + +They say it tastes good. + +I presume they lie without knowing it. + +Not enny ov this sort ov aristokrasy for Joshua Billings. + +I never should think ov mixing munny and aristokrasy together; i will +take mine seperate, if yu pleze. + +I don't never expekt tew be an aristokrat, nor an angel; i don't kno az +i want tew be one. + +I certainly should make a miserable angel. + +I certainly never shall hav munny enuff tew make an aristokrat. + +Raizing aristokrats iz a dredful poor bizzness; yu don't never git your +seed back. + +One democrat iz worth more tew the world than 60 thousand manufaktured +aristokrats. + +An Amerikan aristokrat iz the most ridikilus thing in market. They are +generally ashamed ov their ansesstors; and, if they hav enny, and live +long enuff, they generally hav cauze tew be ashamed ov their posterity. + +I kno ov sevral familys in Amerika who are trieing tew liv on their +aristokrasy. The money and branes giv out sumtime ago. + +It iz hard skratching for them. + +Yu kan warm up kold potatoze and liv on them, but yu kant warm up +aristokratik pride and git even a smell. + +Yu might az well undertake tew raze a krop ov korn in a deserted +brikyard by manuring the ground heavy with tanbark. + +Yung man, set down, and keep still--yu will hay plenty ov chances yet to +make a phool ov yureself before yu die. + + * * * * * + +It is told of an old Baptist parson, famous in Virginia, that he once +visited a plantation where the colored servant who met him at the gate +asked which barn he would have his horse put in. + +"Have you two barns?" asked the minister. + +"Yes, sah," replied the servant; "dar's de old barn, and Mas'r Wales has +jest built a new one." + +"Where do you usually put the horses of clergymen who come to see your +master?" + +"Well, sah, if dey's Methodist or Baptist we gen'ally puts 'em in de ole +barn, but if dey's 'Piscopals we puts 'em in the new one." + +"Well, Bob, you can put my horse in the new barn; I'm a Baptist, but my +horse is an Episcopalian." + + + + +JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL + + +THE YANKEE RECRUIT + +Mister Buckinum, the follerin Billet was writ hum by a Yung feller of +our town that wuz cussed fool enuff to goe a-trottin inter Miss Chiff +arter a Drum and fife. It ain't Nater for a feller to let on that he's +sick o' any bizness that he went intu off his own free will and a Cord, +but I rather cal'late he's middlin tired o' voluntearin By this time. I +bleeve yu may put dependunts on his statemence. For I never heered +nothin bad on him let Alone his havin what Parson Wilbur cals a +_pongshong_ for cocktales, and ses it wuz a soshiashun of idees sot him +agoin arter the Crootin Sargient cos he wore a cocktale onto his hat. + +His Folks gin the letter to me and I shew it to parson Wilbur and he ses +it oughter Bee printed, send It to mister Buckinum, ses he, i don't +ollers agree with him, ses he, but by Time, ses he, I _du_ like a feller +that ain't a Feared. + +I have intusspussed a Few refleckshuns hear and thair. We're kind o' +prest with Hayin. + Ewers respecfly, + + HOSEA BIGLOW. + + This kind o' sogerin' aint a mite like our October trainin', + A chap could clear right out from there ef't only looked like rainin'. + An' th' Cunnles, tu, could kiver up their shappoes with bandanners, + An' sen the insines skootin' to the barroom with their banners + (Fear o' gittin' on 'em spotted), an' a feller could cry quarter, + Ef he fired away his ramrod artur tu much rum an' water. + Recollect wut fun we hed, you'n I on' Ezry Hollis, + Up there to Waltham plain last fall, ahavin' the Cornwallis? + This sort o' thing aint _jest_ like thet--I wished thet I wuz furder-- + Nimepunce a day fer killin' folks comes kind o' low for murder + (Wy I've worked out to slarterin' some fer Deacon Cephas Billins, + An' in the hardest times there wuz I ollers teched ten shillins), + There's sutthin' gits into my throat thet makes it hard to swaller, + It comes so nateral to think about a hempen collar; + It's glory--but, in spite o' all my tryin' to git callous, + I feel a kind o' in a cart, aridin' to the gallus. + But wen it comes to _bein'_ killed--I tell ye I felt streaked + The fust time ever I found out wy baggonets wuz peaked; + Here's how it wuz: I started out to go to a fan-dango, + The sentinul he ups an' sez "Thet's furder 'an you can go." + "None o' your sarse," sez I; sez he, "Stan' back!" "Aint you a buster?" + Sez I, "I'm up to all thet air, I guess I've ben to muster; + I know wy sentinuls air sot; you aint agoin' to eat us; + Caleb haint no monopoly to court the scenoreetas; + My folks to hum hir full ez good ez hisn be, by golly!" + An' so ez I wuz goin' by, not thinkin' wut would folly, + The everlastin' cus he stuck his one-pronged pitchfork in me + An' made a hole right thru my close ez ef I was an in'my. + Wal, it beats all how big I felt hoorawin' in old Funnel + Wen Mister Bolles he gin the sword to our Leftenant Cunnle + (It's Mister Secondary Bolles, thet writ the prize peace essay; + Thet's wy he didn't list himself along o' us, I dessay). + An' Rantoul, tu, talked pooty loud, but don't put _his_ foot in it, + Coz human life's so sacred thet he's principled agin' it---- + Though I myself can't rightly see it's any wus achokin' on 'em + Than puttin' bullets thru their lights, or with a bagnet pokin' on 'em; + How dreffle slick he reeled it off (like Blitz at our lyceam + Ahaulin' ribbins from his chops so quick you skeercely see 'em), + About the Anglo-Saxon race (an' saxons would be handy + To du the buryin' down here upon the Rio Grandy), + About our patriotic pas an' our star-spangled banner, + Our country's bird alookin' on an' singin' out hosanner, + An' how he (Mister B---- himself) wuz happy fer Ameriky---- + I felt, ez sister Patience sez, a leetle mite histericky. + I felt, I swon, ez though it wuz a dreffle kind o' privilege + Atrampin' round thru Boston streets among the gutter's drivelage; + I act'lly thought it wuz a treat to hear a little drummin', + An' it did bonyfidy seem millanyum wuz a-comin'; + Wen all on us gots suits (darned like them wore in the state prison), + An' every feller felt ez though all Mexico was hisn. + This 'ere's about the meanest place a skunk could wal diskiver + (Saltillo's Mexican, I b'lieve, fer wut we call Salt river). + The sort o' trash a feller gits to eat doos beat all nater, + I'd give a year's pay fer a smell o' one good blue-nose tater; + The country here thet Mister Bolles declared to be so charmin' + Throughout is swarmin' with the most alarmin' kind o' varmin'. + He talked about delishes froots, but then it was a wopper all, + The holl on't 's mud an' prickly pears, with here an' there a chapparal; + You see a feller peekin' out, an', fust you know, a lariat + Is round your throat an' you a copse, 'fore you can say, "Wut air ye at?" + You never see sech darned gret bugs (it may not be irrelevant + To say I've seen a _scarabaeus pilularius_[A] big ez a year old elephant), + The rigiment come up one day in time to stop a red bug + From runnin' off with Cunnle Wright--'twuz jest a common + _cimex lectularius_. + One night I started up on eend an thought I wuz to hum agin, + I heern a horn, thinks I it's Sol the fisherman hez come agin, + _His_ bellowses is sound enough--ez I'm a livin' creeter, + I felt a thing go thru my leg--'twuz nothin' more 'n a skeeter! + Then there's the yeller fever, tu, they call it here _el vomito_-- + (Come, thet wun't du, you landcrab there, I tell ye to le' go my toe! + My gracious! it's a scorpion thet's took a shine to play with 't, + I darsn't skeer the tarnel thing fer fear he'd run away with 't). + Afore I came away from hum I hed a strong persuasion + Thet Mexicans worn't human beans--an ourang outang nation, + A sort o' folks a chap could kill an' never dream on't arter, + No more'n a feller'd dream o' pigs thet he had hed to slarter; + I'd an idee thet they were built arter the darkie fashion all, + And kickin' colored folks about, you know, 's a kind o' national; + But wen I jined I won't so wise ez thet air queen o' Sheby, + Fer, come to look at 'em, they aint much diff'rent from wut we be, + An' here we air ascrougin' 'em out o' thir own dominions, + Ashelterin' 'em, ez Caleb sez, under our eagle's pinions, + Wich means to take a feller up jest by the slack o' 's trowsis + An' walk him Spanish clean right out o' all his homes and houses; + Wal, it does seem a curus way, but then hooraw fer Jackson! + It must be right, fer Caleb sez it's reg'lar Anglo-Saxon. + The Mex'cans don't fight fair, they say, they piz'n all the water, + An' du amazin' lots o' things thet isn't wut they ough' to; + Bein' they haint no lead, they make their bullets out o' copper + An' shoot the darned things at us, tu, wich Caleb sez ain't proper; + He sez they'd ough' to stan' right up an' let us pop 'em fairly + (Guess wen he ketches 'em at thet he'll hev to git up airly), + Thet our nation's bigger'n theirn an' so its rights air bigger, + An' thet it's all to make 'em free thet we air pullin' trigger, + Thet Anglo-Saxondom's idee's abreakin' 'em to pieces, + An' thet idee's thet every man doos jest wut he damn pleases; + Ef I don't make his meanin' clear, perhaps in some respex I can, + I know thet "every man" don't mean a nigger or a Mexican; + An' there's another thing I know, an' thet is, ef these creeturs, + Thet stick an Anglo-Saxon mask onto State prison feeturs, + Should come to Jalam Center fer to argify an' spout on 't, + The gals 'ould count the silver spoons the minnit they cleared out on 't. + + This goin' ware glory waits ye haint one agreeable feetur, + And ef it worn't fer wakin' snakes, I'd home agin short meter; + O, wouldn't I be off, quick time, ef't worn't thet I wuz sartin + They'd let the daylight into me to pay me fer desartin! + I don't approve o' tellin' tales, but jest to you I may state + Our ossifers aint wut they wuz afore they left the Bay State; + Then it wuz "Mister Sawin, sir, you're midd'lin well now, be ye? + Step up an' take a nipper, sir; I'm dreffle glad to see ye;" + But now it's, "Ware's my eppylet? Here, Sawin, step an' fetch it! + An' mind your eye, be thund'rin spry, or damn ye, you shall ketch it!" + Wal, ez the Doctor sez, some pork will bile so, but by mighty, + Ef I hed some on 'em to hum, I'd give 'em linkumvity, + I'd play the rogue's march on their hides an' other music follerin'---- + But I must close my letter here for one on 'em 's a hollerin', + These Anglosaxon ossifers--wal, taint no use a jawin', + I'm safe enlisted fer the war, + + Yourn, + BIRDOFREDOM SAWIN. + +[Footnote A: it wuz "tumblebug" as he Writ it, but the parson put the +Latten instid. i said tother maid better meeter, but he said tha was +eddykated peepl to Boston and tha wouldn't stan' it no how, idnow as tha +_wood_ and idnow _as_ tha wood.--H. B.] + + * * * * * + +Two dusky small boys were quarreling; one was pouring forth a volume of +vituperous epithets, while the other leaned against a fence and calmly +contemplated him. When the flow of language was exhausted he said: + +"Are you troo?" + +"Yes." + +"You ain't got nuffin' more to say?" + +"Well, all dem tings what you called me, you is." + + + + +CHARLES DUDLEY WARNER + + +MY SUMMER IN A GARDEN + +SECOND WEEK + +Next to deciding when to start your garden, the most important matter is +what to put in it. It is difficult to decide what to order for dinner on +a given day: how much more oppressive is it to order in a lump an +endless vista of dinners, so to speak! For, unless your garden is a +boundless prairie (and mine seems to me to be that when I hoe it on hot +days), you must make a selection, from the great variety of vegetables, +of those you will raise in it; and you feel rather bound to supply your +own table from your own garden, and to eat only as you have sown. + +I hold that no man has a right (whatever his sex, of course) to have a +garden to his own selfish uses. He ought not to please himself, but +every man to please his neighbor. I tried to have a garden that would +give general moral satisfaction. It seemed to me that nobody could +object to potatoes (a most useful vegetable); and I began to plant them +freely. But there was a chorus of protest against them. "You don't want +to take up your ground with potatoes," the neighbors said; "you can buy +potatoes" (the very thing I wanted to avoid doing is buying things). +"What you want is the perishable things that you cannot get fresh in the +market." "But what kind of perishable things?" A horticulturist of +eminence wanted me to sow lines of strawberries and raspberries right +over where I had put my potatoes in drills. I had about five hundred +strawberry plants in another part of my garden; but this fruit-fanatic +wanted me to turn my whole patch into vines and runners. I suppose I +could raise strawberries enough for all my neighbors; and perhaps I +ought to do it. I had a little space prepared for melons--muskmelons, +which I showed to an experienced friend. "You are not going to waste +your ground on muskmelons?" he asked. "They rarely ripen in this climate +thoroughly before frost." He had tried for years without luck. I +resolved not to go into such a foolish experiment. But the next day +another neighbor happened in. "Ah! I see you are going to have melons. +My family would rather give up anything else in the garden than +muskmelons--of the nutmeg variety. They are the most graceful things we +have on the table." So there it was. There was no compromise; it was +melons or no melons, and somebody offended in any case. I half resolved +to plant them a little late, so that they would, and they wouldn't. But +I had the same difficulty about string-beans (which I detest), and +squash (which I tolerate), and parsnips, and the whole round of green +things. + +I have pretty much come to the conclusion that you have got to put your +foot down in gardening. If I had actually taken counsel of my friends, I +should not have had a thing growing in the garden to-day but weeds. And +besides, while you are waiting, Nature does not wait. Her mind is made +up. She knows just what she will raise; and she has an infinite variety +of early and late. The most humiliating thing to me about a garden is +the lesson it teaches of the inferiority of man. Nature is prompt, +decided, inexhaustible. She thrusts up her plants with a vigor and +freedom that I admire; and the more worthless the plant, the more rapid +and splendid its growth. She is at it early and late, and all night; +never tiring, nor showing the least sign of exhaustion. + +"Eternal gardening is the price of liberty" is a motto that I should put +over the gateway of my garden, if I had a gate. And yet it is not wholly +true; for there is no liberty in gardening. The man who undertakes a +garden is relentlessly pursued. He felicitates himself that, when he +gets it once planted, he will have a season of rest and of enjoyment in +the sprouting and growing of his seeds. It is a keen anticipation. He +has planted a seed that will keep him awake nights, drive rest from his +bones, and sleep from his pillow. Hardly is the garden planted, when he +must begin to hoe it. The weeds have sprung up all over it in a night. +They shine and wave in redundant life. The docks have almost gone to +seed; and their roots go deeper than conscience. Talk about the London +docks!--the roots of these are like the sources of the Aryan race. And +the weeds are not all. I awake in the morning (and a thriving garden +will wake a person up two hours before he ought to be out of bed) and +think of the tomato-plants--the leaves like fine lace-work, owing to +black bugs that skip around and can't be caught. Somebody ought to get +up before the dew is off (why don't the dew stay on till after a +reasonable breakfast?) and sprinkle soot on the leaves. I wonder if it +is I. Soot is so much blacker than the bugs that they are disgusted and +go away. You can't get up too early if you have a garden. You must be +early due yourself, if you get ahead of the bugs. I think that, on the +whole, it would be best to sit up all night and sleep daytimes. Things +appear to go on in the night in the garden uncommonly. It would be less +trouble to stay up than it is to get up so early. + +I have been setting out some new raspberries, two sorts--a silver and a +gold color. How fine they will look on the table next year in a +cut-glass dish, the cream being in a ditto pitcher! I set them four and +five feet apart. I set my strawberries pretty well apart also. The +reason is to give room for the cows to run through when they break into +the garden--as they do sometimes. A cow needs a broader track than a +locomotive; and she generally makes one. I am sometimes astonished to +see how big a space in a flower-bed her foot will cover. The raspberries +are called Doolittle and Golden Cap. I don't like the name of the first +variety, and, if they do much, shall change it to Silver Top. You can +never tell what a thing named Doolittle will do. The one in the Senate +changed color and got sour. They ripen badly--either mildew or rot on +the bush. They are apt to Johnsonize--rot on the stem. I shall watch the +Doolittles. + + +FOURTH WEEK + +Orthodoxy is at a low ebb. Only two clergymen accepted my offer to come +and help hoe my potatoes for the privilege of using my vegetable +total-depravity figure about the snake-grass, or quack-grass, as some +call it; and those two did not bring hoes. There seems to be a lack of +disposition to hoe among our educated clergy. I am bound to say that +these two, however, sat and watched my vigorous combats with the weeds, +and talked most beautifully about the application of the snake-grass +figure. As, for instance, when a fault or sin showed on the surface of a +man, whether, if you dug down, you would find that it ran back and into +the original organic bunch of original sin within the man. The only +other clergyman who came was from out of town--a half-Universalist, who +said he wouldn't give twenty cents for my figure. He said that the +snake-grass was not in my garden originally, that it sneaked in under +the sod, and that it could be entirely rooted out with industry and +patience. I asked the Universalist-inclined man to take my hoe and try +it; but he said he hadn't time, and went away. + +But, _jubilate_, I have got my garden all hoed the first time! I feel as +if I had put down the rebellion. Only there are guerrillas left here and +there, about the borders and in corners, unsubdued--Forest docks, and +Quantrell grass, and Beauregard pigweeds. This first hoeing is a +gigantic task: it is your first trial of strength with the +never-sleeping forces of Nature. Several times in its progress I was +tempted to do as Adam did, who abandoned his garden on account of the +weeds. (How much my mind seems to run upon Adam, as if there had been +only two really moral gardens--Adam's and mine!) The only drawback to my +rejoicing over the finishing of the first hoeing is, that the garden now +wants hoeing a second time. I suppose if my garden were planted in a +perfect circle, and I started round it with a hoe, I should never see an +opportunity to rest. The fact is, that gardening is the old fable of +perpetual labor; and I, for one, can never forgive Adam Sisyphus, or +whoever it was, who let in the roots of discord. I had pictured myself +sitting at eve with my family, in the shade of twilight, contemplating a +garden hoed. Alas! it is a dream not to be realized in this world. + +My mind has been turned to the subject of fruit and shade trees in a +garden. There are those who say that trees shade the garden too much +and interfere with the growth of the vegetables. There may be something +in this; but when I go down the potato rows, the rays of the sun +glancing upon my shining blade, the sweat pouring from my face, I should +be grateful for shade. What is a garden for? The pleasure of man. I +should take much more pleasure in a shady garden. Am I to be sacrificed, +broiled, roasted, for the sake of the increased vigor of a few +vegetables? The thing is perfectly absurd. If I were rich, I think I +would have my garden covered with an awning, so that it would be +comfortable to work in it. It might roll up and be removable, as the +great awning of the Roman Colosseum was--not like the Boston one, which +went off in a high wind. Another very good way to do, and probably not +so expensive as the awning, would be to have four persons of foreign +birth carry a sort of canopy over you as you hoed. And there might be a +person at each end of the row with some cool and refreshing drink. +Agriculture is still in a very barbarous stage. I hope to live yet to +see the day when I can do my gardening, as tragedy is done, to slow and +soothing music, and attended by some of the comforts I have named. These +things come so forcibly into my mind sometimes as I work, that perhaps, +when a wandering breeze lifts my straw hat or a bird lights on a near +currant-bush and shakes out a full-throated summer song, I almost expect +to find the cooling drink and the hospitable entertainment at the end +of the row. But I never do. There is nothing to be done but to turn +round and hoe back to the other end. + +Speaking of those yellow squash-bugs, I think I disheartened them by +covering the plants so deep with soot and wood-ashes that they could not +find them; and I am in doubt if I shall ever see the plants again. But I +have heard of another defense against the bugs. Put a fine wire screen +over each hill, which will keep out the bugs and admit the rain. I +should say that these screens would not cost much more than the melons +you would be likely to get from the vines if you bought them; but then, +think of the moral satisfaction of watching the bugs hovering over the +screen, seeing but unable to reach the tender plants within. That is +worth paying for. + +I left my own garden yesterday and went over to where Polly was getting +the weeds out of one of her flower-beds. She was working away at the bed +with a little hoe. Whether women ought to have the ballot or not (and I +have a decided opinion on that point, which I should here plainly give +did I not fear that it would injure my agricultural influence), I am +compelled to say that this was rather helpless hoeing. It was patient, +conscientious, even pathetic hoeing; but it was neither effective nor +finished. When completed, the bed looked somewhat as if a hen had +scratched it; there was that touching unevenness about it. I think no +one could look at it and not be affected. To be sure, Polly smoothed it +off with a rake and asked me if it wasn't nice; and I said it was. It +was not a favorable time for me to explain the difference between +puttering hoeing and the broad, free sweep of the instrument which kills +the weeds, spares the plants, and loosens the soil without leaving it in +holes and hills. But, after all, as life is constituted, I think more of +Polly's honest and anxious care of her plants than of the most finished +gardening in the world. + + +SIXTH WEEK + +Somebody has sent me a new sort of hoe, with the wish that I should +speak favorably of it, if I can consistently. I willingly do so, but +with the understanding that I am to be at liberty to speak just as +courteously of any other hoe which I may receive. If I understand +religious morals, this is the position of the religious press with +regard to bitters and wringing machines. In some cases, the +responsibility of such a recommendation is shifted upon the wife of the +editor or clergyman. Polly says she is entirely willing to make a +certificate, accompanied with an affidavit, with regard to this hoe; but +her habit of sitting about the garden walk on an inverted flower-pot +while I hoe somewhat destroys the practical value of her testimony. + +As to this hoe, I do not mind saying that it has changed my view of the +desirableness and value of human life. It has, in fact, made life a +holiday to me. It is made on the principle that man is an upright, +sensible, reasonable being, and not a groveling wretch. It does away +with the necessity of the hinge in the back. The handle is seven and a +half feet long. There are two narrow blades, sharp on both edges, which +come together at an obtuse angle in front; and as you walk along with +this hoe before you, pushing and pulling with a gentle motion, the weeds +fall at every thrust and withdrawal, and the slaughter is immediate and +widespread. When I got this hoe, I was troubled with sleepless mornings, +pains in the back, kleptomania with regard to new weeders; when I went +into my garden I was always sure to see something. In this disordered +state of mind and body I got this hoe. The morning after a day of using +it I slept perfectly and late. I regained my respect for the Eighth +Commandment. After two doses of the hoe in the garden the weeds entirely +disappeared. Trying it a third morning, I was obliged to throw it over +the fence in order to save from destruction the green things that ought +to grow in the garden. Of course, this is figurative language. What I +mean is, that the fascination of using this hoe is such that you are +sorely tempted to employ it upon your vegetables after the weeds are +laid low, and must hastily withdraw it to avoid unpleasant results. I +make this explanation because I intend to put nothing into these +agricultural papers that will not bear the strictest scientific +investigation; nothing that the youngest child cannot understand and cry +for; nothing that the oldest and wisest men will not need to study with +care. + +I need not add that the care of a garden with this hoe becomes the +merest pastime. I would not be without one for a single night. The only +danger is, that you may rather make an idol of the hoe, and somewhat +neglect your garden in explaining it and fooling about with it. I almost +think that, with one of these in the hands of an ordinary day-laborer, +you might see at night where he had been working. + +Let us have peas. I have been a zealous advocate of the birds. I have +rejoiced in their multiplication. I have endured their concerts at four +o'clock in the morning without a murmur. Let them come, I said, and eat +the worms, in order that we, later, may enjoy the foliage and the fruits +of the earth. We have a cat, a magnificent animal, of the sex which +votes (but not a pole-cat)--so large and powerful that if he were in the +army he would be called Long Tom. He is a cat of fine disposition, the +most irreproachable morals I ever saw thrown away in a cat, and a +splendid hunter. He spends his nights, not in social dissipation, but in +gathering in rats, mice, flying-squirrels, and also birds. When he first +brought me a bird, I told him that it was wrong, and tried to convince +him, while he was eating it, that he was doing wrong; for he is a +reasonable cat, and understands pretty much everything except the +binomial theorem and the time down the cycloidal arc. But with no +effect. The killing of birds went on to my great regret and shame. + +The other day I went to my garden to get a mess of peas. I had seen the +day before that they were just ready to pick. How I had lined the +ground, planted, hoed, bushed them! The bushes were very fine--seven +feet high, and of good wood. How I had delighted in the growing, the +blowing, the podding! What a touching thought it was that they had all +podded for me! When I went to pick them I found the pods all split open +and the peas gone. The dear little birds, who are so fond of the +strawberries, had eaten them all. Perhaps there were left as many as I +planted; I did not count them. I made a rapid estimate of the cost of +the seed, the interest of the ground, the price of labor, the value of +the bushes, the anxiety of weeks of watchfulness. I looked about me on +the face of nature. The wind blew from the south so soft and +treacherous! A thrush sang in the woods so deceitfully! All nature +seemed fair. But who was to give me back my peas? The fowls of the air +have peas; but what has man? + +I went into the house. I called Calvin (that is the name of our cat, +given him on account of his gravity, morality, and uprightness. We never +familiarly call him John). I petted Calvin. I lavished upon him an +enthusiastic fondness. I told him that he had no fault; that the one +action that I had called a vice was an heroic exhibition of regard for +my interest. I bade him go and do likewise continually. I now saw how +much better instinct is than mere unguided reason. Calvin knew. If he +had put his opinion into English (instead of his native catalogue), it +would have been, "You need not teach your grandmother to suck eggs." It +was only the round of nature. The worms eat a noxious something in the +ground. The birds eat the worms. Calvin eats the birds. We eat--no, we +do not eat Calvin. There the chain stops. When you ascend the scale of +being, and come to an animal that is, like ourselves, inedible, you have +arrived at a result where you can rest. Let us respect the cat: he +completes an edible chain. + +I have little heart to discuss methods of raising peas. It occurs to me +that I can have an iron pea-bush, a sort of trellis, through which I +could discharge electricity at frequent intervals and electrify the +birds to death when they alight; for they stand upon my beautiful bush +in order to pick out the peas. An apparatus of this kind, with an +operator, would cost, however, about as much as the peas. A neighbor +suggests that I might put up a scarecrow near the vines, which would +keep the birds away. I am doubtful about it; the birds are too much +accustomed to seeing a person in poor clothes in the garden to care much +for that. Another neighbor suggests that the birds do not open the pods; +that a sort of blast, apt to come after rain, splits the pods, and the +birds then eat the peas. It may be so. There seems to be complete unity +of action between the blast and the birds. But good neighbors, kind +friends, I desire that you will not increase, by talk, a disappointment +which you cannot assuage. + + +CROWDED + +Chauncey Depew says: In the Berkshire Hills there was a funeral, and as +the friends and mourners gathered in the little parlor, there came the +typical New England female who mingles curiosity with her sympathy, and, +as she glanced around the darkened room, she said to the bereaved widow: + +"Where did you get that new eight-day clock?" + +"We ain't got no new eight-day clock," was the reply. + +"You ain't? What's that in the corner there?" + +"Why, no, that's not an eight-day clock; that's the deceased. We stood +him on end to make room for the mourners." + + * * * * * + +A young wife who lost her husband by death telegraphed the sad tidings +to her father in these succinct words: "Dear John died this morning at +ten. Loss fully covered by insurance." + + +THE ALARMED SKIPPER + + "It was an Ancient Mariner" + + Many a long, long year ago, + Nantucket skippers had a plan + Of finding out, though "lying low," + How near New York their schooners ran. + + They greased the lead before it fell, + And then, by sounding through the night, + Knowing the soil that stuck, so well, + They always guessed their reckoning right. + + A skipper gray, whose eyes were dim, + Could tell, by _tasting_, just the spot, + And so below he'd "dowse the glim"-- + After, of course, his "something hot." + + Snug in his berth, at eight o'clock, + This ancient skipper might be found; + No matter how his craft would rock, + He slept--for skippers' naps are sound! + + The watch on deck would now and then + Run down and wake him, with the lead; + He'd up, and taste, and tell the men + How many miles they went ahead. + + One night, 'twas Jotham Marden's watch, + A curious wag--the peddler's son---- + And so he mused (the wanton wretch), + "To-night I'll have a grain of fun. + + "We're all a set of stupid fools + To think the skipper knows by _tasting_ + What ground he's on--Nantucket schools + Don't teach such stuff, with all their basting!" + + And so he took the well-greased lead + And rubbed it o'er a box of earth + That stood on deck--a parsnip-bed---- + And then he sought the skipper's berth. + + "Where are we now, sir? Please to taste." + The skipper yawned, put out his tongue, + Then ope'd his eyes in wondrous haste, + And then upon the floor he sprung! + + The skipper stormed and tore his hair, + Thrust on his boots, and roared to Marden, + _"Nantucket's sunk, and here we are_ + _Right over old Marm Hackett's garden!"_ + + JAMES T. FIELDS. + + * * * * * + +THE WEDDING JOURNEY + +_He_: Dearest, if I had known this tunnel was so long, I'd have given +you a jolly hug. + +_She_: Didn't you? Why, somebody did! + + + + +OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES + + +FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE + +Do I think that the particular form of lying often seen in newspapers +under the title, "From Our Foreign Correspondent," does any harm? Why, +no, I don't know that it does. I suppose it doesn't really deceive +people any more than the "Arabian Nights" or "Gulliver's Travels" do. +Sometimes the writers compile _too_ carelessly, though, and mix up facts +out of geographies and stories out of the penny papers, so as to mislead +those who are desirous of information. I cut a piece out of one of the +papers the other day which contains a number of improbabilities and, I +suspect, misstatements. I will send up and get it for you, if you would +like to hear it. Ah, this is it; it is headed + + +"OUR SUMATRA CORRESPONDENCE + +"This island is now the property of the Stamford family--having been +won, it is said, in a raffle by Sir ---- Stamford, during the +stock-gambling mania of the South Sea scheme. The history of this +gentleman may be found in an interesting series of questions +(unfortunately not yet answered) contained in the 'Notes and Queries.' +This island is entirely surrounded by the ocean, which here contains a +large amount of saline substance, crystallizing in cubes remarkable for +their symmetry, and frequently displays on its surface, during calm +weather, the rainbow tints of the celebrated South Sea bubbles. The +summers are oppressively hot, and the winters very probably cold; but +this fact cannot be ascertained precisely, as, for some peculiar reason, +the mercury in these latitudes never shrinks, as in more northern +regions, and thus the thermometer is rendered useless in winter. + +"The principal vegetable productions of the island are the pepper tree +and the bread-fruit tree. Pepper being very abundantly produced, a +benevolent society was organized in London during the last century for +supplying the natives with vinegar and oysters, as an addition to that +delightful condiment. (Note received from Dr. D. P.) It is said, +however, that, as the oysters were of the kind called _natives_ in +England, the natives of Sumatra, in obedience to a natural instinct, +refused to touch them, and confined themselves entirely to the crew of +the vessel in which they were brought over. This information was +received from one of the oldest inhabitants, a native himself, and +exceedingly fond of missionaries. He is said also to be very skilful in +the _cuisine_ peculiar to the island. + +"During the season of gathering pepper, the persons employed are subject +to various incommodities, the chief of which is violent and +long-continued sternutation, or sneezing. Such is the vehemence of +these attacks that the unfortunate subjects of them are often driven +backward for great distances at immense speed, on the well-known +principle of the aeolipile. Not being able to see where they are going, +these poor creatures dash themselves to pieces against the rocks, or are +precipitated over the cliffs, and thus many valuable lives are lost +annually. As during the whole pepper harvest they feed exclusively on +this stimulant, they become exceedingly irritable. The smallest injury +is resented with ungovernable rage. A young man suffering from the +_pepper-fever_, as it is called, cudgeled another most severely for +appropriating a superannuated relative of trifling value, and was only +pacified by having a present made him of a pig of that peculiar species +of swine called the _Peccavi_ by the Catholic Jews, who, it is well +known, abstain from swine's flesh in imitation of the Mohammedan +Buddhists. + +"The bread tree grows abundantly. Its branches are well known to Europe +and America under the familiar name of _maccaroni_. The smaller twigs +are called _vermicelli_. They have a decided animal flavor, as may be +observed in the soups containing them. Maccaroni, being tubular, is the +favorite habitat of a very dangerous insect, which is rendered +peculiarly ferocious by being boiled. The government of the island, +therefore, never allows a stick of it to be exported without being +accompanied by a piston with which its cavity may at any time be +thoroughly swept out. These are commonly lost or stolen before the +maccaroni arrives among us. It, therefore, always contains many of these +insects, which, however, generally die of old age in the shops, so that +accidents from this source are comparatively rare. + +"The fruit of the bread tree consists principally of hot rolls. The +buttered-muffin variety is supposed to be a hybrid with the cocoanut +palm, the cream found on the milk of the cocoanut exuding from the +hybrid in the shape of butter, just as the ripe fruit is splitting, so +as to fit it for the tea-table, where it is commonly served up with +cold----" + +There--I don't want to read any more of it. You see that many of these +statements are highly improbable. No, I shall not mention the +paper.--_The Autocrat of the Breakfast Table._ + + +MUSIC-POUNDING + +The old Master was talking about a concert he had been to hear. + +--I don't like your chopped music anyway. That woman--she had more sense +in her little finger than forty medical societies--Florence +Nightingale--says that the music you _pour_ out is good for sick folks, +and the music you _pound_ out isn't. Not that exactly, but something +like it. I have been to hear some music-pounding. It was a young woman, +with as many white muslin flounces round her as the planet Saturn has +rings, that did it. She gave the music-stool a twirl or two and fluffed +down on to it like a whirl of soap-suds in a hand-basin. Then she pushed +up her cuffs as if she was going to fight for the champion's belt. Then +she worked her wrists and her hands, to limber 'em, I suppose, and +spread out her fingers till they looked as though they would pretty much +cover the keyboard, from the growling end to the little squeaky one. +Then those two hands of hers made a jump at the keys as if they were a +couple of tigers coming down on a flock of black-and-white sheep, and +the piano gave a great howl as if its tail had been trod on. Dead +stop--so still you could hear your hair growing. Then another jump, and +another howl, as if the piano had two tails and you had trod on both of +'em at once, and then a grand clatter and scramble and string of jumps, +up and down, back and forward, one hand over the other, like a stampede +of rats and mice more than like anything I call music. I like to hear a +woman sing, and I like to hear a fiddle sing, but these noises they +hammer out of their wood-and-ivory anvils--don't talk to me; I know the +difference between a bullfrog and a wood-thrush.--_The Poet at the +Breakfast Table._ + + * * * * * + +"That is rather a shabby pair of trousers you have on, for a man in your +position." + +"Yes, sir; but clothes do not make the man. What if my trousers are +shabby and worn? They cover a warm heart, sir." + + + + +FREDERICK S. COZZENS + + +LIVING IN THE COUNTRY + +It is a good thing to live in the country. To escape from the +prison-walls of the metropolis--the great brickery we call "the +city"--and to live amid blossoms and leaves, in shadow and sunshine, in +moonlight and starlight, in rain, mist, dew, hoarfrost, and drought, out +in the open campaign and under the blue dome that is bounded by the +horizon only. It is a good thing to have a well with dripping buckets, a +porch with honey-buds and sweet-bells, a hive embroidered with nimble +bees, a sun-dial mossed over, ivy up to the eaves, curtains of dimity, a +tumbler of fresh flowers in your bedroom, a rooster on the roof, and a +dog under the piazza. + +When Mrs. Sparrowgrass and I moved into the country, with our heads full +of fresh butter, and cool, crisp radishes for tea; with ideas entirely +lucid respecting milk, and a looseness of calculation as to the number +in family it would take a good laying hen to supply with fresh eggs +every morning; when Mrs. Sparrowgrass and I moved into the country, we +found some preconceived notions had to be abandoned, and some departures +made from the plans we had laid down in the little back parlor of Avenue +G. + +One of the first achievements in the country is early rising: with the +lark--with the sun--while the dew is on the grass, "under the opening +eye-lids of the morn," and so forth. Early rising! What can be done with +five or six o'clock in town? What may not be done at those hours in the +country? With the hoe, the rake, the dibble, the spade, the +watering-pot? To plant, prune, drill, transplant, graft, train, and +sprinkle! Mrs. S. and I agreed to rise _early_ in the country. + + Richard and Robin were two pretty men, + They laid in bed till the clock struck ten; + Up jumped Richard and looked at the sky; + O, Brother Robin, the sun's _very_ high! + +Early rising in the country is not an instinct; it is a sentiment, and +must be cultivated. + +A friend recommended me to send to the south side of Long Island for +some very prolific potatoes--the real hippopotamus breed. Down went my +man, and what, with expenses of horse-hire, tavern bills, toll-gates, +and breaking a wagon, the hippopotami cost as much apiece as pineapples. +They were fine potatoes, though, with comely features, and large, +languishing eyes, that promised increase of family without delay. As I +worked my own garden (for which I hired a landscape gardener at two +dollars per day to give me instructions), I concluded that the object of +my first experiment in early rising should be the planting of the +hippopotamuses. I accordingly arose next morning at five, and it rained! +I rose next day at five, and it rained! The next, and it rained! It +rained for two weeks! We had splendid potatoes every day for dinner. "My +dear," said I to Mrs. Sparrowgrass, "where did you get these fine +potatoes?" "Why," said she, innocently, "out of that basket from Long +Island!" The last of the hippopotamuses were before me, peeled, and +boiled, and mashed, and baked, with a nice thin brown crust on the top. + +I was more successful afterward. I did get some fine seed-potatoes in +the ground. But something was the matter; at the end of the season I did +not get as many out as I had put in. + +Mrs. Sparrowgrass, who is a notable housewife, said to me one day, "Now, +my dear, we shall soon have plenty of eggs, for I have been buying a lot +of young chickens." There they were, each one with as many feathers as a +grasshopper, and a chirp not louder. Of course, we looked forward with +pleasant hopes to the period when the first cackle should announce the +milk-white egg, warmly deposited in the hay which we had provided +bountifully. They grew finely, and one day I ventured to remark that our +hens had remarkably large combs, to which Mrs. S. replied, "Yes, indeed, +she had observed that; but if I wanted to have a real treat I ought to +get up early in the morning and hear them crow." "Crow!" said I, +faintly, "our hens crowing! Then, by 'the cock that crowed in the morn, +to wake the priest all shaven and shorn,' we might as well give up all +hopes of having any eggs," said I; "for as sure as you live, Mrs. S., +our hens are all roosters!" And so they were roosters! They grew up and +fought with the neighbors' chickens, until there was not a whole pair of +eyes on either side of the fence. + +A _dog_ is a good thing to have in the country. I have one which I +raised from a pup. He is a good, stout fellow, and a hearty barker and +feeder. The man of whom I bought him said he was thoroughbred, but he +begins to have a mongrel look about him. He is a good watch-dog, though; +for the moment he sees any suspicious-looking person about the premises +he comes right into the kitchen and gets behind the stove. First, we +kept him in the house, and he scratched all night to get out. Then we +turned him out, and he scratched all night to get in. Then we tied him +up at the back of the garden, and he howled so that our neighbour shot +at him twice before daybreak. Finally we gave him away, and he came +back; and now he is just recovering from a fit, in which he has torn up +the patch that has been sown for our spring radishes. + +A good, strong gate is a necessary article for your garden. A good, +strong, heavy gate, with a dislocated hinge, so that it will neither +open nor shut. Such a one have I. The grounds before my fence are in +common, and all the neighbors' cows pasture there. I remarked to Mrs. +S., as we stood at the window in a June sunset, how placid and +picturesque the cattle looked, as they strolled about, cropping the +green herbage. Next morning I found the innocent creatures in my +garden. They had not left a green thing in it. The corn in the milk, the +beans on the poles, the young cabbages, the tender lettuce, even the +thriving shoots on my young fruit trees had vanished. And there they +were, looking quietly on the ruin they had made. Our watch-dog, too, was +foregathering with them. It was too much; so I got a large stick and +drove them all out, except a young heifer, whom I chased all over the +flower-beds, breaking down my trellises, my woodbines and sweet-briers, +my roses and petunias, until I cornered her in the hotbed. I had to call +for assistance to extricate her from the sashes, and her owner has sued +me for damages. I believe I shall move in town. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. Sparrowgrass and I have concluded to try it once more; we are going +to give the country another chance. After all, birds in the spring are +lovely. First come little snowbirds, _avant-couriers_ of the feathered +army; then bluebirds in national uniforms, just graduated, perhaps, from +the ornithological corps of cadets with high honors in the topographical +class; then follows a detachment of flying artillery--swallows; +sand-martens, sappers and miners, begin their mines and countermines +under the sandy parapets; then cedar birds, in trim jackets faced with +yellow--aha, dragoons! And then the great rank and file of infantry, +robins, wrens, sparrows, chipping-birds; and lastly--the band! + + From nature's old cathedral sweetly ring + The wild bird choirs--burst of the woodland band, + --who mid the blossoms sing; + Their leafy temple, gloomy, tall and grand, + Pillared with oaks, and roofed with Heaven's own hand. + +There, there, that is Mario. Hear that magnificent chest note from the +chestnuts! then a crescendo, falling in silence--_a plomb!_ + +Hush! he begins again with a low, liquid monotone, mounting by degrees +and swelling into an infinitude of melody--the whole grove dilating, as +it were, with exquisite epithalamium. + +Silence now--and how still! + +Hush! the musical monologue begins anew; up, up into the tree-tops it +mounts, fairly lifting the leaves with its passionate effluence, it +trills through the upper branches--and then dripping down the listening +foliage, in a cadenza of matchless beauty, subsides into silence again. + +"That's a he catbird," says my carpenter. + +A catbird? Then Shakespeare and Shelley have wasted powder upon the +skylark; for never such "profuse strains of unpremeditated art" issued +from living bird before. Skylark! pooh! who would rise at dawn to hear +the skylark if a catbird were about after breakfast? + +I have bought me a boat. A boat is a good thing to have in the country, +especially if there be any water near. There is a fine beach in front of +my house. When visitors come I usually propose to give them a row. I go +down--and find the boat full of water; then I send to the house for a +dipper and prepare to bail; and, what with bailing and swabbing her +with a mop and plugging up the cracks in her sides, and struggling to +get the rudder in its place, and unlocking the rusty padlock, my +strength is so much exhausted that it is almost impossible for me to +handle the oars. Meanwhile the poor guests sit on stones around the +beach with woe-begone faces. + +"My dear," said Mrs. Sparrowgrass, "why don't you sell that boat?" + +"Sell it? Ha! ha!" + +One day a Quaker lady from Philadelphia paid us a visit. She was +uncommonly dignified, and walked down to the water in the most stately +manner, as is customary with Friends. It was just twilight, deepening +into darkness, when I set about preparing the boat. Meanwhile our Friend +seated herself upon _something_ on the beach. While I was engaged in +bailing, the wind shifted, and I became sensible of an unpleasant odor; +afraid that our Friend would perceive it, too, I whispered Mrs. +Sparrowgrass to coax her off and get her farther up the beach. + +"Thank thee, no, Susan; I feel a smell hereabout and I am better where I +am." + +Mrs. S. came back and whispered mysteriously that our Friend was sitting +on a dead dog, at which I redoubled the bailing and got her out in deep +water as soon as possible. + +Dogs have a remarkable scent. A dead setter one morning found his way to +our beach, and I towed him out in the middle of the river; but the +faithful creature came back in less than an hour--that dog's smell was +remarkable indeed. + +I have bought me a fyke! A fyke is a good thing to have in the country. +A fyke is a fishnet, with long wings on each side; in shape like a +nightcap with ear lappets; in mechanism like a rat-trap. You put a stake +at the tip end of the nightcap, a stake at each end of the outspread +lappets; there are large hoops to keep the nightcap distended, sinkers +to keep the lower sides of the lappets under water, and floats as large +as muskmelons to keep the upper sides above the water. The stupid fish +come downstream, and, rubbing their noses against the wings, follow the +curve toward the fyke and swim into the trap. When they get in they +cannot get out. That is the philosophy of a fyke. I bought one of +Conroy. "Now," said I to Mrs. Sparrowgrass, "we shall have fresh fish +to-morrow for breakfast," and went out to set it. I drove the stakes in +the mud, spread the fyke in the boat, tied the end of one wing to the +stake, and cast the whole into the water. The tide carried it out in a +straight line. I got the loose end fastened to the boat, and found it +impossible to row back against the tide with the fyke. I then untied it, +and it went downstream, stake and all. I got it into the boat, rowed up, +and set the stake again. Then I tied one end to the stake and got out of +the boat myself in shoal water. Then the boat got away in deep water; +then I had to swim for the boat. Then I rowed back and untied the fyke. +Then the fyke got away. Then I jumped out of the boat to save the fyke, +and the boat got away. Then I had to swim again after the boat and row +after the fyke, and finally was glad to get my net on dry land, where I +left it for a week in the sun. Then I hired a man to set it, and he did, +but he said it was "rotted." Nevertheless, in it I caught two small +flounders and an eel. At last a brace of Irishmen came down to my beach +for a swim at high tide. One of them, a stout, athletic fellow, after +performing sundry aquatic gymnastics, dived under and disappeared for a +fearful length of time. The truth is, he had dived into my net. After +much turmoil in the water, he rose to the surface with the filaments +hanging over his head, and cried out, as if he had found a bird's nest: +"I say, Jimmy! begorra, here's a foike!" That unfeeling exclamation to +Jimmy, who was not the owner of the net, made me almost wish that it had +not been "rotted." + +We are worried about our cucumbers. Mrs. S. is fond of cucumbers, so I +planted enough for ten families. The more they are picked, the faster +they grow; and if you do not pick them, they turn yellow and look ugly. +Our neighbor has plenty, too. He sent us some one morning, by way of a +present. What to do with them we did not know, with so many of our own. +To give them away was not polite; to throw them away was sinful; to eat +them was impossible. Mrs. S. said, "Save them for seed." So we did. Next +day, our neighbor sent us a dozen more. We thanked the messenger grimly +and took them in. Next morning another dozen came. It was getting to be +a serious matter; so I rose betimes the following morning, and when my +neighbor's cucumbers came I filled his man's basket with some of my own, +by way of exchange. This bit of pleasantry was resented by my neighbor, +who told his man to throw them to the hogs. His man told our girl, and +our girl told Mrs. S., and, in consequence, all intimacy between the two +families has ceased; the ladies do not speak, even at church. + +We have another neighbor, whose name is Bates; he keeps cows. This year +our gate has been fixed; but my young peach trees near the fences are +accessible from the road; and Bates's cows walk along that road morning +and evening. The sound of a cow-bell is pleasant in the twilight. +Sometimes, after dark, we hear the mysterious curfew tolling along the +road, and then with a louder peal it stops before our fence and again +tolls itself off in the distance. The result is, my peach trees are as +bare as bean-poles. One day I saw Mr. Bates walking along, and I hailed +him: "Bates, those are your cows there, I believe?" "Yes, sir; nice +ones, ain't they?" "Yes," I replied, "they are _nice_ ones. Do you see +that tree there?"--and I pointed to a thrifty peach, with about as many +leaves as an exploded sky-rocket. "Yes, sir." "Well, Bates, that +red-and-white cow of yours yonder ate the top off that tree; I saw her +do it." Then I thought I had made Bates ashamed of himself, and had +wounded his feelings, perhaps, too much. I was afraid he would offer me +money for the tree, which I made up my mind to decline at once. +"Sparrowgrass," said he, "it don't hurt a tree a single mossel to chaw +it if it's a young tree. For my part, I'd rather have my young trees +chawed than not. I think it makes them grow a leetle better. I can't do +it with mine, but you can, because you can wait to have good trees, and +the only way to have good trees is to have, 'em chawed." + + * * * * * + +We have put a dumb-waiter in our house. A dumb-waiter is a good thing to +have in the country, on account of its convenience. If you have company, +everything can be sent up from the kitchen without any trouble; and if +the baby gets to be unbearable, on account of his teeth, you can dismiss +the complainant by stuffing him in one of the shelves and letting him +down upon the help. To provide for contingencies, we had all our floors +deafened. In consequence, you cannot hear anything that is going on in +the story below; and when you are in the upper room of the house there +might be a democratic ratification meeting in the cellar and you would +not know it. Therefore, if any one should break into the basement it +would not disturb us; but to please Mrs. Sparrowgrass, I put stout iron +bars in all the lower windows. Besides, Mrs. Sparrowgrass had bought a +rattle when she was in Philadelphia; such a rattle as watchmen carry +there. This is to alarm our neighbor, who, upon the signal, is to come +to the rescue with his revolver. He is a rash man, prone to pull trigger +first and make inquiries afterward. + +One evening Mrs. S. had retired and I was busy writing, when it struck +me a glass of ice-water would be palatable. So I took the candle and a +pitcher and went down to the pump. Our pump is in the kitchen. A country +pump in the kitchen is more convenient; but a well with buckets is +certainly more picturesque. Unfortunately, our well water has not been +sweet since it was cleaned out. First I had to open a bolted door that +lets you into the basement hall, and then I went to the kitchen door, +which proved to be locked. Then I remembered that our girl always +carried the key to bed with her and slept with it under her pillow. Then +I retraced my steps, bolted the basement door, and went up into the +dining-room. As is always the case, I found, when I could not get any +water, I was thirstier than I supposed I was. Then I thought I would +wake our girl up. Then I concluded not to do it. Then I thought of the +well, but I gave that up on account of its flavor. Then I opened the +closet doors: there was no water there; and then I thought of the +dumb-waiter! The novelty of the idea made me smile. I took out two of +the movable shelves, stood the pitcher on the bottom of the dumb-waiter, +got in myself with the lamp; let myself down, until I supposed I was +within a foot of the floor below, and then let go! + +We came down so suddenly that I was shot out of the apparatus as if it +had been a catapult; it broke the pitcher, extinguished the lamp, and +landed me in the middle of the kitchen at midnight, with no fire and the +air not much above the zero point. The truth is, I had miscalculated the +distance of the descent--instead of falling one foot, I had fallen five. +My first impulse was to ascend by the way I came down, but I found that +impracticable. Then I tried the kitchen door; it was locked. I tried to +force it open; it was made of two-inch stuff, and held its own. Then I +hoisted a window, and there were the rigid iron bars. If ever I felt +angry at anybody it was at myself for putting up those bars to please +Mrs. Sparrowgrass. I put them up, not to keep people in, but to keep +people out. + +I laid my cheek against the ice-cold barriers and looked out at the sky; +not a star was visible; it was as black as ink overhead. Then I thought +of Baron Trenck and the prisoner of Chillon. Then I made a noise. I +shouted until I was hoarse, and ruined our preserving kettle with the +poker. That brought our dogs out in full bark, and between us we made +night hideous. Then I thought I heard a voice and listened--it was Mrs. +Sparrowgrass calling to me from the top of the staircase. I tried to +make her hear me, but the infernal dogs united with howl, and growl, and +bark, so as to drown my voice, which is naturally plaintive and tender. +Besides, there were two bolted doors and double-deafened floors between +us; how could she recognize my voice, even if she did hear it? Mrs. +Sparrowgrass called once or twice and then got frightened; the next +thing I heard was a sound as if the roof had fallen in, by which I +understood that Mrs. Sparrowgrass was springing the rattle! That called +out our neighbor, already wide awake; he came to the rescue with a +bull-terrier, a Newfoundland pup, a lantern, and a revolver. The moment +he saw me at the window he shot at me, but fortunately just missed me. I +threw myself under the kitchen table and ventured to expostulate with +him, but he would not listen to reason. In the excitement I had +forgotten his name, and that made matters worse. It was not until he had +roused up everybody around, broken in the basement door with an ax, +gotten into the kitchen with his cursed savage dogs and shooting-iron, +and seized me by the collar, that he recognized me--and then he wanted +me to explain it! But what kind of an explanation could I make to him? I +told him he would have to wait until my mind was composed, and then I +would let him understand the whole matter fully. But he never would have +had the particulars from me, for I do not approve of neighbors that +shoot at you, break in your door, and treat you, in your own house, as +if you were a jailbird. He knows all about it, however--somebody has +told him--_somebody_ tells everybody everything in our village.--_The +Sparrowgrass Papers._ + + +LOVE IN A COTTAGE + + They may talk of love in a cottage, + And bowers of trellised vine---- + Of nature bewitchingly simple, + And milkmaids half divine; + They may talk of the pleasure of sleeping + In the shade of a spreading tree, + And a walk in the fields at morning, + By the side of a footstep free! + + But give me a sly flirtation + By the light of a chandelier---- + With music to play in the pauses, + And nobody very near; + Or a seat on a silken sofa, + With a glass of pure old wine, + And mamma too blind to discover + The small white hand in mine. + + Your love in a cottage is hungry, + Your vine is a nest for flies---- + Your milkmaid shocks the Graces, + And simplicity talks of pies! + You lie down to your shady slumber + And wake with a bug in your ear, + And your damsel that walks in the morning + Is shod like a mountaineer. + + True love is at home on a carpet, + And mightily likes his ease---- + And true love has an eye for a dinner, + And starves beneath shady trees. + His wing is the fan of a lady, + His foot's an invisible thing, + And his arrow is tipp'd with a jewel + And shot from a silver string. + + NATHANIEL PARKER WILLIS + + * * * * * + +A CASE OF CONSCIENCE + +_Uncle Jack:_ It is very good lemonade, I am sure; but tell me, Bonnie, +why do you sell yours for three cents a glass when Charley gets five for +his? + +_Miss Bonnie:_ Well, you mustn't tell anybody, Uncle Jack, but the puppy +fell in mine and I thought it ought to be cheaper. + +A Hingham, Massachusetts, woman is said to have hit upon a happy idea +when she was puzzled what to do in order to tell her mince and apple +pies apart. She was advised to mark them, and did so, and complacently +announced: "This I've marked 'T. M.'--'Tis mince; an' that I've marked +'T. M.'--'Taint mince." + +Doctor Oliver Wendell Holmes used to be an amateur photographer. When he +presented a picture to a friend, he wrote on the back of it, "Taken by +O. W. Holmes & Sun." + + +HANS BREITMANN'S PARTY + + Hans Breitmann gife a barty: + Dey had biano-blayin': + I felled in lofe mit a 'Merican frau, + Her name was Madilda Yane, + She hat haar as prown as a pretzel, + Her eyes vas himmel-plue, + Und ven dey looket indo mine, + Dey shplit mine heart in two. + + Hans Breitmann gife a barty: + I vent dere, you'll be pound. + I valtzet mit Madilda Yane + Und vent shpinnen round and round. + De pootiest Fraeulein in de house, + She veyed 'pout dwo hoondred pound, + Und efery dime she gife a shoomp + She make de vindows sound. + + Hans Breitmann gife a barty: + I dells you it cost him dear. + Dey rolled in more ash sefen kecks + Of foost rate Lager Beer, + Und venefer dey knocks de shpicket in + De Deutschers gifes a cheer. + I dinks dat so vine a barty + Nefer coom to a het dis year. + + Hans Breitmann gife a barty: + Dere all vas Souse und Brouse; + Ven de sooper comed in, de gompany + Did make demselfs to house. + Dey ate das Brot und Gensy broost, + De Bratwurst und Braten fine, + Und vash der Abendessen down + Mit four parrels of Neckarwein. + + Hans Breitmann gife a barty: + We all cot troonk ash pigs. + I poot mine mout to a parrel of beer, + Und emptied it oop mit a schwigs. + Und denn I gissed Madilda Yane + Und she shlog me on the kop, + Und de gompany fited mit dable-lecks + Dill de coonsthable made oos shtop. + + Hans Breitmann gife a barty---- + Where ish dat barty now! + Where ish de lofely golden cloud + Dat float on de mountain's prow? + Where ish de himmelstrahlende Stern---- + De shtar of de shpirit's light? + All goned afay mit de Lager Beer---- + Afay in de Ewigkeit! + + CHARLES GODFREY LELAND. + + + + +FRANCES M. WHICHER + + +TIM CRANE AND THE WIDOW + +"O, no, Mr. Crane, by no manner o' means, 'tain't a minnit tow soon for +you to begin to talk about gittin' married agin. I am amazed you should +be afeerd I'd think so. See--how long's Miss Crane ben dead? Six +months!--land o' Goshen!--why, I've know'd a number of individdiwals get +married in less time than that. There's Phil Bennett's widder 't I was +a-talkin' about jest now--she 't was Louisy Perce--her husband hadent +been dead but _three_ months, you know. I don't think it looks well for +a _woman_ to be in such a hurry--but for a _man_ it's a different +thing--circumstances alters cases, you know. And then, sittiwated as you +be, Mr. Crane, it's a turrible thing for your family to be without a +head to superintend the domestic consarns and tend to the children--to +say nothin' o' yerself, Mr. Crane. You dew need a companion, and no +mistake. Six months! Good grievous! Why, Squire Titus dident wait but +six _weeks_ arter he buried his fust wife afore he married his second. I +thought ther wa'n't no partickler need o' his hurryin' so, seein' his +family was all grow'd up. Such a critter as he pickt out, tew! 'twas +very onsuitable--but every man to his taste--I hain't no dispersition +to meddle with nobody's consarns. There's old farmer Dawson, tew--his +pardner hain't ben dead but ten months. To be sure, he ain't married +yet--but he would a-ben long enough ago if somebody I know on'd gin him +any incurridgement. But 'tain't for me to speak o' that matter. He's a +clever old critter and as rich as a Jew--but--lawful sakes! he's old +enough to be my father. And there's Mr. Smith--Jubiter Smith; you know +him, Mr. Crane--his wife (she 'twas Aurory Pike) she died last summer, +and he's ben squintin' round among the wimmin ever since, and he _may_ +squint for all the good it'll dew him so far as I'm consarned--tho' Mr. +Smith's a respectable man--quite young and hain't no family--very well +off, tew, and quite intellectible--but I'm purty partickler. O, Mr. +Crane! it's ten year come Jinniwary sence I witnessed the expiration o' +my belovid companion--an oncommon long time to wait, to be sure--but +'tain't easy to find anybody to fill the place o' Hezekier Bedott. I +think _you're_ the most like husband of ary individdiwal I ever see, Mr. +Crane. Six months Murderation! Curus you should be afeered I'd think't +was tew soon--why, I've know'd----" + +MR. CRANE. "Well, widder--I've been thinking about taking +another companion--and I thought I'd ask you----" + +WIDOW. "O, Mr. Crane, egscuse my commotion, it's so onexpected. +Jest hand me that are bottle of camfire off the mantletry shelf--I'm +ruther faint--dew put a little mite on my handkercher and hold it to my +nuz. There--that'll dew--I'm obleeged tew ye--now I'm ruther more +composed--you may perceed, Mr. Crane." + +MR. CRANE. "Well, widder, I was a-going to ask you +whether--whether----" + +WIDOW. "Continner, Mr. Crane--dew--I knew it's turrible +embarrissin'. I remember when my dezeased husband made his suppositions +to me he stammered and stuttered, and was so awfully flustered it did +seems as if he'd never git it out in the world, and I s'pose it's +ginnerally the case, at least it has been with all them that's made +suppositions to me--you see they're ginerally oncerting about what kind +of an answer they're a-gwine to git, and it kind o' makes 'em narvous. +But when an individdiwal has reason to suppose his attachment's +reperated, I don't see what need there is o' his bein' flustrated--tho' +I must say it's quite embarrassin' to me--pray continner." + +MR. C. "Well, then, I want to know if yu're willing I should +have Melissy?" + +WIDOW. "The dragon!" + +MR. C. "I hain't said anything to her about it yet--thought the +proper way was to get your consent first. I remember when I courted +Trypheny, we were engaged some time before mother Kenipe knew anything +about it, and when she found it out she was quite put out because I +dident go to her first. So when I made up my mind about Melissy, thinks +me, I'll dew it right this time and speak to the old woman first----" + +WIDOW. "_Old woman_, hey! That's a purty name to call +me!--amazin' perlite, tew! Want Melissy, hey! Tribbleation! Gracious +sakes alive! Well, I'll give it up now! I always know'd you was a +simpleton, Tim Crane, but I _must_ confess I dident think you was +_quite_ so big a fool! Want Melissy, dew ye? If that don't beat all! +What an everlastin' old calf you must be to s'pose she'd _look_ at +_you_. Why, you're old enough to be her father, and more tew--Melissy +ain't only in her twenty-oneth year. What a reedickilous idee for a man +o' your age! as gray as a rat, tew! I wonder what this world _is_ +a-comin' tew: 'tis astonishin' what fools old widdiwers will make o' +themselves! Have Melissy! Melissy!" + +MR. C. "Why, widder, you surprise me. I'd no idee of being +treated in this way after you'd been so polite to me, and made such a +fuss over me and the girls." + +WIDOW. "Shet yer head, Tim Crane--nun o' yer sass to me. +_There's_ yer hat on that are table, and _here's_ the door--and the +sooner you put on _one_ and march out o' t'other, the better it'll be +for you. And I advise you afore you try to git married agin, to go out +West and see 'f yet wife's cold--and arter ye're satisfied on that pint, +jest put a little lampblack on yer hair--'twould add to yer appearance +undoubtedly, and be of sarvice tew you when you want to flourish round +among the gals--and when ye've got yer hair fixt, jest splinter the +spine o' yerback--'twould'n' hurt yer looks a mite--you'd be intirely +unresistible if you was a _leetle_ grain straiter." + +MR. C. "Well, I never!" + +WIDOW. "Hold yer tongue--you consarned old coot you. I tell ye +_there's_ your hat, and _there's_ the door--be off with yerself, quick +metre, or I'll give ye a hyst with the broomstick." + +MR. C. "Gimmeni!" + +WIDOW (_rising_). "Git out, I say--I ain't a-gwine to start' +here and be insulted under my own ruff--and so git along--and if ever +you darken my door again, or say a word to Melissy, it'll be the woss +for you--that's all." + +MR. C. "Treemenjous! What a buster!" + +WIDOW. "Go 'long--go 'long--go 'long, you everlastin' old gum. +I won't hear another word" [stops her ears]. "I won't, I won't, I +won't." + + [_Exit Mr. Crane._ + + (_Enter Melissa, accompanied by Captain Canoot._) + +"Good-evenin', Cappen Well, Melissy, hum at last, hey? Why didn't you +stay till mornin'? Party business keepin' me up here so late waitin' for +you--when I'm eny most tired to death ironin' and workin' like a slave +all day--ought to ben abed an hour ago. Thought ye left me with +agreeable company, hey? I should like to know what arthly reason you had +to s'pose old Crane was agreeable to me? I always despised the critter; +always thought he wuz a turrible fool--and now I'm convinced on't. I'm +completely disgusted wit him--and I let him know it to-night. I gin him +a piece o' my mind 't I guess he'll be apt to remember for a spell. I +ruther think he went off with a flea in his ear. Why, Cappen--did ye +ever hear of such a piece of audacity in all yer born days? for +_him_--_Tim Crane_--to durst to expire to my hand--the widder o' Deacon +Bedott, jest as if _I'd_ condescen' to look at _him_--the old numbskull! +He don't know B from a broomstick; but if he'd a-stayed much longer I'd +a-teached him the difference, I guess. He's got his _walkin' ticket_ +now--I hope he'll lemme alone in futur. And where's Kier? Gun hum with +the Cranes, hey! Well, I guess it's the last time. And now, Melissy +Bedott, you ain't to have nothin' more to dew with them gals--d'ye hear? +You ain't to 'sociate with 'em at all arter this--twould only be +incurridgin' th' old man to come a-pesterin' me agin--and I won't have +him round--d'ye hear? Don't be in a hurry, Cappen--and don't be alarmed +at my gittin' in such passion about old Crane's presumption. Mabby you +think 'twas onfeelin' in me to use him so--an' I don't say but what +'twas _ruther_, but then he's so awful disagreeable tew me, you +know--'tain't _everybody_ I'd treat in such a way. Well, if you _must_ +go, good-evenin'! Give my love to Hanner when you write agin--dew call +frequently, Cappen Canoot, dew."--_The Bedott Papers._ + + +THE STAMMERING WIFE + + When deeply in love with Miss Emily Pryne, + I vowed, if, the maiden would only be mine, + I would always endeavor to please her. + She blushed her consent, though the stuttering lass + Said never a word except "You're an ass---- + An ass--an ass-iduous teaser!" + + But when we were married, I found to my ruth, + The stammering lady had spoken the truth; + For often, in obvious dudgeon, + She'd say, if I ventured to give her a jog + In the way of reproof--"You're a dog--you're a dog---- + A dog--a dog-matic curmudgeon!" + + And once when I said, "We can hardly afford + This extravagant style, with our moderate hoard, + And hinted we ought to be wiser. + She looked, I assure you, exceedingly blue, + And fretfully cried, 'You're a Jew--you're a Jew---- + A very ju-dicious adviser!'" + + Again, when it happened that, wishing to shirk + Some rather unpleasant and arduous work, + I begged her to go to a neighbor, + She wanted to know why I made such a fuss, + And saucily said, "You're a cuss--cuss--cuss---- + You were always ac-cus-tomed to labor!" + + Out of temper at last with the insolent dame, + And feeling that madam was greatly to blame + To scold me instead of caressing, + I mimicked her speech--like a churl that I am-- + And angrily said, "You're a dam--dam--dam + A dam-age instead of a blessing!" + + JOHN GODFREY SAXE. + + * * * * * + +HE ROSE TO THE OCCASION + +Several years ago there labored in one of the Western villages of +Minnesota a preacher who was always in the habit of selecting his texts +from the Old Testament, and particularly some portion of the history of +Noah. No matter what the occasion was, he would always find some +parallel incident from the history of this great character that would +readily serve as a text or illustration. + +At one time he was called upon to unite the daughter of the village +mayor and a prominent attorney in the holy bonds of matrimony. Two +little boys, knowing his determination to give them a portion of the +sacred history touching Noah's marriage, hit upon the novel idea of +pasting together two leaves in the family Bible so as to connect, +without any apparent break, the marriage of Noah and the description of +the Ark of the Covenant. + +When the noted guests were all assembled and the contracting parties +with attendants in their respective stations, the preacher began the +ceremonies by reading the following text: "And when Noah was one hundred +and forty years old, he took unto himself a wife" (then turning the page +he continued) "three hundred cubits in length, fifty cubits in width, +and thirty cubits in depth, and within and without besmeared with +pitch." The story seemed a little strong, but he could not doubt the +Bible, and after reading it once more and reflecting a moment, he turned +to the startled assemblage with these remarks: "My beloved brethren, +this is the first time in the history of my life that my attention has +been called to this important passage of the Scriptures, but it seems to +me that it is one of the most forcible illustrations of that grand +eternal truth, that the nature of woman is exceedingly difficult to +comprehend." + + +POLITE + +In her "Abandoning an Adopted Farm," Miss Kate Sanborn tells of her +annoyance at being besieged by agents, reporters and curiosity seekers. +She says: "I was so perpetually harassed that I dreaded to see a +stranger approach with an air of business. The other day I was just +starting out for a drive when I noticed the usual stranger hurrying on. +Putting my head out of the carriage, I said in a petulant and weary +tone, 'Do you want to see me?' The young man stopped, smiled, and +replied courteously, 'It gives me pleasure to look at you, madam, but I +was going farther on.'" + + * * * * * + +A small boy in Boston, who had unfortunately learned to swear, was +rebuked by his father. "Who told you that I swore?" asked the bad little +boy. "Oh, a little bird told me," said the father. The boy stood and +looked out of the window, scowling at some sparrows which were scolding +and chattering. Then he had a happy thought. "I know who told you," he +said. "It was one of those ---- sparrows." + + +LOST, STRAYED OR STOLEN + +It is said that when President Polk visited Boston he was impressively +received at Faneuil Hall Market. The clerk walked in front of him down +the length of the market, announcing in loud tones: + +"Make way, gentlemen, for the President of the United States! The +President of the United States! Fellow-citizens, make room!" + +The Chief had stepped into one of the stalls to look at some game, when +Mr. Rhodes turned round suddenly, and, finding himself alone, suddenly +changed his tone and exclaimed: + +"My gracious, where has that darned idiot got to?" + + +HE CAME TO PAY + + The editor sat with his head in his hands + And his elbows at rest on his knees; + He was tired of the ever-increasing demands + On his time, and he panted for ease. + The clamor for copy was scorned with a sneer, + And he sighed in the lowest of tones: + "Won't somebody come with a dollar to cheer + The heart of Emanuel Jones?" + + Just then on the stairway a footstep was heard + And a rap-a-tap loud at the door, + And the flickering hope that had been long deferred + Blazed up like a beacon once more; + And there entered a man with a cynical smile + That was fringed with a stubble of red, + Who remarked, as he tilted a sorry old tile + To the back of an average head: + + "I have come here to pay"--Here the editor cried + "You're as welcome as flowers in spring! + Sit down in this easy armchair by my side, + And excuse me awhile till I bring + A lemonade dashed with a little old wine + And a dozen cigars of the best.... + Ah! Here we are! This, I assure you, is fine; + Help yourself, most desirable guest." + + The visitor drank with a relish, and smoked + Till his face wore a satisfied glow, + And the editor, beaming with merriment, joked + In a joyous, spontaneous flow; + And then, when the stock of refreshments was gone, + His guest took occasion to say, + In accents distorted somewhat by a yawn, + "My errand up here is to pay----" + + But the generous scribe, with a wave of his hand, + Put a stop to the speech of his guest, + And brought in a melon, the finest the land + Ever bore on its generous breast; + And the visitor, wearing a singular grin, + Seized the heaviest half of the fruit, + And the juice, as it ran in a stream from his chin, + Washed the mud of the pike from his boot. + + Then, mopping his face on a favorite sheet + Which the scribe had laid carefully by, + The visitor lazily rose to his feet + With the dreariest kind of a sigh, + And he said, as the editor sought his address, + In his books to discover his due: + "I came here to pay--my respects to the press, + And to borrow a dollar of you!" + + ANDREW V. KELLEY ("Parmenas Mix"). + + + + +A GENTLE COMPLAINT + + + FAIRFIELD, CONN. + + P. T. BARNUM, Esq. + +_Dear Sir:_ We have a large soiled Asiatic elephant visiting us now, +which we suspect belongs to you. His skin is a misfit, and he keeps +moving his trunk from side to side nervously. If you have missed an +elephant answering to this description, please come up and take him +away, as we have no use for him. An elephant on a place so small as ours +is more of a trouble than a convenience. I have endeavored to frighten +him away, but he does not seem at all timid, and my wife and I, assisted +by our hired man, tried to push him out of the yard, but our efforts +were unavailing. He has made our home his own now for some days, and he +has become quite _de trop_. We do not mind him so much in the daytime, +for he then basks mostly on the lawn and plays with the children (to +whom he has greatly endeared himself), but at night he comes up and lays +his head on our piazza, and his deep and stertorous breathing keeps my +wife awake. I feel as though I were entitled to some compensation for +his keep. He is a large though not fastidious eater, and he has +destroyed some of my plants by treading on them; and he also leaned +against our woodhouse. My neighbor--who is something of a wag--says I +have a lien on his trunk for the amount of his board; but that, of +course, is only pleasantry. Your immediate attention will oblige. + + SIMEON FORD. + + +THE BALLAD OF THE OYSTERMAN + + It was a tall young oysterman lived by the riverside, + His shop was just upon the bank, his boat was on the tide; + The daughter of a fisherman, that was so straight and slim, + Lived over on the other bank, right opposite to him. + + It was the pensive oysterman that saw a lovely maid, + Upon a moonlight evening, a-sitting in the shade: + He saw her wave a handkerchief, as much as if to say, + "I'm wide awake, young oysterman, and all the folks away." + + Then up arose the oysterman, and to himself said he, + "I guess I'll leave the skiff at home, for fear that folks should see; + I read it in the story-book, that, for to kiss his dear, + Leander swam the Hellespont, and I will swim this here." + + And he has leaped into the waves, and crossed the shining stream, + And he has clambered up the bank, all in the moonlight gleam; + Oh, there are kisses sweet as dew, and words as soft as rain---- + But they have heard her father's step, and in he leaps again! + + Out spoke the ancient fisherman: "Oh, what was that, my daughter?" + "'Twas nothing but a pebble, sir, I threw into the water." + "And what is that, pray tell me, love, that paddles off so fast?" + "It's nothing but a porpoise, sir, that's been a-swimming past." + + Out spoke the ancient fisherman: "Now, bring me my harpoon! + I'll get into my fishing-boat, and fix the fellow soon." + Down fell that pretty innocent, as falls a snow-white lamb; + Her hair drooped round her pallid cheeks, like seaweed on a clam. + + Alas! for those two loving ones! she waked not from her swound, + And he was taken with the cramp, and in the waves was drowned; + But Fate has metamorphosed them, in pity of their woe, + And now they keep an oyster shop for mermaids down below. + + OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. + + + + +MARIETTA HOLLEY + + +A PLEASURE EXERTION + +Wal, the very next mornin' Josiah got up with a new idee in his head. +And he broached it to me to the breakfast table. They have been havin' +sights of pleasure exertions here to Jonesville lately. Every week +a'most they would go off on a exertion after pleasure, and Josiah was +all up on end to go, too. + +That man is a well-principled man as I ever see, but if he had his head +he would be worse than any young man I ever see to foller up picnics and +4th of Julys and camp-meetin's and all pleasure exertions. But I don't +encourage him in it. I have said to him time and again: "There is a time +for everything, Josiah Allen, and after anybody has lost all their teeth +and every mite of hair on the top of their head, it is time for 'em to +stop goin' to pleasure exertions." + +But good land! I might jest as well talk to the wind! If that man should +get to be as old as Mr. Methusler, and be goin' on a thousand years old, +he would prick up his ears if he should hear of a exertion. All summer +long that man has beset me to go to 'em, for he wouldn't go without me. +Old Bunker Hill himself hain't any sounder in principle than Josiah +Allen, and I have had to work head-work to make excuses and quell him +down. But last week they was goin' to have one out on the lake, on a +island, and that man sot his foot down that go he would. + +We was to the breakfast table a-talkin' it over, and says I: + +"I shan't go, for I am afraid of big water, anyway." + +Says Josiah: "You are jest as liable to be killed in one place as +another." + +Says I, with a almost frigid air as I passed him his coffee, "Mebee I +shall be drounded on dry land, Josiah Allen, but I don't believe it." + +Says he, in a complainin' tone: "I can't get you started onto a exertion +for pleasure anyway." + +Says I, in a almost eloquent way: "I don't believe in makin' such +exertions after pleasure. As I have told you time and agin, I don't +believe in chasin' of her up. Let her come of her own free will. You +can't ketch her by chasin' after her no more than you can fetch up a +shower in a drowth by goin' outdoors and runnin' after a cloud up in the +heavens above you. Sit down and be patient, and when it gets ready the +refreshin' raindrops will begin to fall without none of your help. And +it is jest so with pleasure, Josiah Allen; you may chase her up over all +the oceans and big mountains of the earth, and she will keep ahead of +you all the time; but set down and not fatigue yourself a-thinkin' about +her, and like as not she will come right into your house unbeknown to +you." + +"Wal," says he, "I guess I'll have another griddle-cake, Samantha." + +And as he took it and poured the maple syrup over it, he added gently +but firmly: + +"I shall go, Samantha, to this exertion, and I should be glad to have +you present at it, because it seems jest to me as if I should fall +overboard durin' the day." + +Men are deep. Now that man knew that no amount of religious preachin' +could stir me up like that one speech. For though I hain't no hand to +coo, and don't encourage him in bein' spoony at all, he knows that I am +wrapped almost completely up in him. I went. + +Wal, the day before the exertion Kellup Cobb come into our house of a +errant, and I asked him if he was goin' to the exertion; and he said he +would like to go, but he dassent. + +"Dassent!" says I. "Why dassent you?" + +"Why," says he, "how would the rest of the wimmin round Jonesville feel +if I should pick out one woman and wait on her?" Says he bitterly: "I +hain't perfect, but I hain't such a cold-blooded rascal as not to have +any regard for wimmen's feelin's. I hain't no heart to spile all the +comfort of the day for ten or a dozen wimmen." + +"Why," says I, in a dry tone, "one woman would be happy, accordin' to +your tell." + +"Yes, one woman happy, and ten or fifteen gauled--bruised in the +tenderest place." + +"On their heads?" says I, inquirin'ly. + +"No," says he, "their hearts. All the girls have probable had more or +less hopes that I would invite 'em--make a choice of 'em. But when the +blow was struck, when I had passed 'em by and invited some other, some +happier woman, how would them slighted ones feel? How do you s'pose they +would enjoy the day, seein' me with another woman, and they droopin' +round without me? That is the reason, Josiah Allen's wife, that I +dassent go. It hain't the keepin' of my horse through the day that stops +me. For I could carry a quart of oats and a little jag of hay in the +bottom of the buggy. If I had concluded to pick out a girl and go, I had +got it all fixed out in my mind how I would manage. I had thought it +over, while I was ondecided and duty was a-strugglin' with me. But I was +made to see where the right way for me lay, and I am goin' to foller it. +Joe Purday is goin' to have my horse, and give me seven shillin's for +the use of it and its keepin'. He come to hire it just before I made up +my mind that I hadn't ort to go. + +"Of course it is a cross to me. But I am willin' to bear crosses for the +fair sect. Why," says he, a-comin' out in a open, generous way, "I would +be willin', if necessary for the general good of the fair sect--I would +be willin' to sacrifice ten cents for 'em, or pretty nigh that, I wish +so well to 'em. I _hain't_ that enemy to 'em that they think I am. I +can't marry 'em all, Heaven knows I can't, but I wish 'em well." + +"Wal," says I, "I guess my dishwater is hot; it must be pretty near +bilin' by this time." + +And he took the hint and started off. I see it wouldn't do no good to +argue with him that wimmen didn't worship him. For when a feller once +gets it into his head that female wimmen are all after him, you might +jest as well dispute the wind as argue with him. You can't convince him +nor the wind--neither of 'em--so what's the use of wastin' breath on +'em. And I didn't want to spend a extra breath that day anyway, knowin' +I had such a hard day's work in front of me, a-finishin' cookin' up +provisions for the exertion, and gettin' things done up in the house so +I could leave 'em for all day. + +We had got to start about the middle of the night; for the lake was +fifteen miles from Jonesville, and the old mare's bein' so slow, we had +got to start an hour or two ahead of the rest. I told Josiah in the +first on't, that I had just as lives set up all night as to be routed +out at two o'clock. But he was so animated and happy at the idee of +goin' that he looked on the bright side of everything, and he said that +we would go to bed before dark, and get as much sleep as we commonly +did. So we went to bed the sun an hour high. And I was truly tired +enough to lay down, for I had worked dretful hard that day--almost +beyond my strength. But we hadn't more'n got settled down into the bed, +when we heard a buggy and a single wagon stop at the gate, and I got up +and peeked through the window, and I see it was visitors come to spend +the evenin.' Elder Bamber and his family, and Deacon Dobbinses' folks. + +Josiah vowed that he wouldn't stir one step out of that bed that night. +But I argued with him pretty sharp, while I was throwin' on my clothes, +and I finally got him started up. I hain't deceitful, but I thought if I +got my clothes all on before they came in I wouldn't tell 'em that I had +been to bed that time of day. And I did get all dressed up, even to my +handkerchief pin. And I guess they had been there as much as ten minutes +before I thought that I hadn't took my nightcap off. They looked +dreadful curious at me, and I felt awful meachin'. But I jest ketched it +off, and never said nothin'. But when Josiah come out of the bedroom +with what little hair he has got standin' out in every direction, no two +hairs a-layin' the same way, and one of his galluses a-hangin' most to +the floor under his best coat, I up and told 'em. I thought mebby they +wouldn't stay long. But Deacon Dobbinses' folks seemed to be all waked +up on the subject of religion, and they proposed we should turn it into +a kind of a conference meetin'; so they never went home till after ten +o'clock. + +It was 'most eleven when Josiah and me got to bed agin. And then jest as +I was gettin' into a drowse, I heered the cat in the buttery, and I got +up to let her out. And that roused Josiah up, and he thought he heered +the cattle in the garden, and he got up and went out. And there we was +a-marchin' round 'most all night. + +And if we would get into a nap, Josiah would think it was mornin' and he +would start up and go out to look at the clock. He seemed so afraid we +would be belated and not get to that exertion in time. And there we was +on our feet 'most all night. I lost myself once, for I dreampt that +Josiah was a-drowndin', and Deacon Dobbins was on the shore a-prayin' +for him. It started me so that I jist ketched hold of Josiah and +hollered. It skairt him awfully, and says he, "What does ail you, +Samantha? I hain't been asleep before to-night, and now you have rousted +me up for good. I wonder what time it is!" + +And then he got out of bed again and went and looked at the clock. It +was half-past one, and he said he "didn't believe we had better go to +sleep again, for fear we would be too late for the exertion, and he +wouldn't miss that for nothin'." + +"Exertion!" says I, in a awful cold tone. "I should think we had had +exertion enough for one spell." + +But as bad and wore out as Josiah felt bodily, he was all animated in +his mind about what a good time he was a-goin' to have. He acted +foolish, and I told him so. I wanted to wear my brown-and-black gingham, +and a shaker, but Josiah insisted that I should wear a new lawn dress +that he had brought me home as a present, and I had jest got made up. +So jest to please him, I put it on, and my best bonnet. + +And that man, all I could do and say, would put on a pair of pantaloons +I had been a-makin' for Thomas Jefferson. They was gettin' up a milatary +company to Jonesville, and these pantaloons was blue, with a red stripe +down the sides--a kind of uniform. Josiah took a awful fancy to 'em, and +says he: + +"I will wear 'em, Samantha; they look so dressy." + +Says I: "They hain't hardly done. I was goin' to stitch that red stripe +on the left leg on again. They ain't finished as they ort to be, and I +would not wear 'em. It looks vain in you." + +Says he: "I will wear 'em, Samantha. I will be dressed up for once." + +I didn't contend with him. Thinks I: we are makin' fools of ourselves by +goin' at all, and if he wants to make a little bigger fool of himself by +wearin' them blue pantaloons, I won't stand in his light. And then I had +got some machine oil onto 'em, so I felt that I had got to wash 'em, +anyway, before Thomas J. took 'em to wear. So he put 'em on. + +I had good vittles, and a sight of 'em. The basket wouldn't hold 'em +all, so Josiah had to put a bottle of red rossberry jell into the pocket +of his dress-coat, and lots of other little things, such as spoons and +knives and forks, in his pantaloons and breast pockets. He looked like +Captain Kidd armed up to the teeth, and I told him so. But good land! +he would have carried a knife in his mouth if I had asked him to, he +felt so neat about goin', and boasted so on what a splendid exertion it +was goin' to be. + +We got to the lake about eight o'clock, for the old mare went slow. We +was about the first ones there, but they kep' a-comin', and before ten +o'clock we all got there. + +The young folks made up their minds they would stay and eat their dinner +in a grove on the mainland. But the majority of the old folks thought it +was best to go and set our tables where we laid out to in the first +place. Josiah seemed to be the most rampant of any of the company about +goin'. He said he shouldn't eat a mouthful if he didn't eat it on that +island. He said what was the use of going to a pleasure exertion at all +if you didn't try to take all the pleasure you could. So about twenty +old fools of us sot sail for the island. + +I had made up my mind from the first on't to face trouble, so it didn't +put me out so much when Deacon Dobbins, in gettin' into the boat, +stepped onto my new lawn dress and tore a hole in it as big as my two +hands, and ripped it half offen the waist. But Josiah havin' felt so +animated and tickled about the exertion, it worked him up awfully when, +jest after we had got well out onto the lake, the wind took his hat off +and blew it away out onto the lake. He had made up his mind to look so +pretty that day that it worked him up awfully. And then the sun beat +down onto him; and if he had had any hair onto his head it would have +seemed more shady. + +But I did the best I could by him. I stood by him and pinned on his red +bandanna handkerchief onto his head. But as I was a-fixin' it on, I see +there was suthin' more than mortification ailded him. The lake was rough +and the boat rocked, and I see he was beginning to be awful sick. He +looked deathly. Pretty soon I felt bad, too. Oh! the wretchedness of +that time. I have enjoyed poor health considerable in my life, but never +did I enjoy so much sickness in so short a time as I did on that +pleasure exertion to that island. I s'pose our bein' up all night a'most +made it worse. When we reached the island we was both weak as cats. + +I sot right down on a stun and held my head for a spell, for it did seem +as if it would split open. After awhile I staggered up onto my feet, and +finally I got so I could walk straight and sense things a little; though +it was tejus work to walk anyway, for we had landed on a sand-bar, and +the sand was so deep it was all we could do to wade through it, and it +was as hot as hot ashes ever was. + +Then I began to take the things out of my dinner-basket. The butter had +all melted, so we had to dip it out with a spoon. And a lot of water had +washed over the side of the boat, so my pies and tarts and delicate +cakes and cookies looked awful mixed up. But no worse than the rest of +the company's did. + +But we did the best we could, and the chicken and cold meats bein' more +solid, had held together quite well, so there was some pieces of it +conside'able hull, though it was all very wet and soppy. But we +separated 'em out as well as we could, and begun to make preparations to +eat. We didn't feel so animated about eatin' as we should if we hadn't +been so sick to our stomachs. But we felt as if we must hurry, for the +man that owned the boat said he knew it would rain before night by the +way the sun scalded. + +There wasn't a man or a woman there but what the presperation and sweat +jest poured down their faces. We was a haggard and melancholy lookin' +set. There was a piece of woods a little ways off, but it was up quite a +rise of ground, and there wasn't one of us but what had the rheumatiz +more or less. We made up a fire on the sand, though it seemed as if it +was hot enough to steep tea and coffee as it was. + +After we got the fire started, I histed a umberell and sot down under it +and fanned myself hard, for I was afraid of a sunstroke. + +Wal, I guess I had set there ten minutes or more, when all of a sudden I +thought, Where is Josiah? I hadn't seen him since we had got there. I +riz up and asked the company, almost wildly, if they had seen my +companion, Josiah. + +They said, No, they hadn't. + +But Celestine Wilkin's little girl, who had come with her grandpa and +grandma Gowdy, spoke up, and says she: + +"I seen him goin' off toward the woods. He acted dretful strange, too; +he seemed to be a walkin' off sideways." + +"Had the sufferin's he had undergone made him delerious?" says I to +myself; and then I started off on the run toward the woods, and old Miss +Bobbet, and Miss Gowdy, and Sister Bamber, and Deacon Dobbinses' wife +all rushed after me. + +Oh, the agony of them two or three minutes! my mind so distracted with +fourbodin's, and the presperation and sweat a-pourin' down. But all of a +sudden, on the edge of the woods, we found him. Miss Gowdy, weighin' a +little less than me, mebby one hundred pounds or so, had got a little +ahead of me. He sot backed up against a tree in a awful cramped +position, with his left leg under him. He looked dretful uncomfortable. +But when Miss Gowdy hollered out: "Oh, here you be! We have been skairt +about you. What is the matter?" he smiled a dretful sick smile, and says +he: "Oh, I thought I would come out here and meditate a spell. It was +always a real treat to me to meditate." + +Just then I come up a-pantin' for breath, and as the wimmen all turned +to face me, Josiah scowled at me and shook his fist at them four wimmen, +and made the most mysterious motions of his hands toward 'em. But the +minute they turned round he smiled in a sickish way, and pretended to go +to whistlin'. + +Says I, "What is the matter, Josiah Allen? What are you off here for?" + +"I am a-meditatin', Samantha." + +Says I, "Do you come down and jine the company this minute, Josiah +Allen. You was in a awful takin' to come with 'em, and what will they +think to see you act so?" + +The wimmen happened to be a-lookin' the other way for a minute, and he +looked at me as if he would take my head off, and made the strangest +motions toward 'em; but the minute they looked at him he would pretend +to smile--that deathly smile. + +Says I, "Come, Josiah Allen, we're goin' to get dinner right away, for +we are afraid it will rain." + +"Oh, wal," says he, "a little rain, more or less, hain't a-goin' to +hender a man from meditatin'." + +I was wore out, and says I, "Do you stop meditatin' this minute, Josiah +Allen!" + +Says he, "I won't stop, Samantha. I let you have your way a good deal of +the time; but when I take it into my head to meditate, you hain't +a-goin' to break it up." + +Jest at that minute they called to me from the shore to come that minute +to find some of my dishes. And we had to start off. But oh! the gloom of +my mind that was added to the lameness of my body. Them strange motions +and looks of Josiah wore on me. Had the sufferin's of the night, added +to the trials of the day, made him crazy? I thought more'n as likely as +not I had got a luny on my hands for the rest of my days. + +And then, oh, how the sun did scald down onto me, and the wind took the +smoke so into my face that there wasn't hardly a dry eye in my head. And +then a perfect swarm of yellow wasps lit down onto our vittles as quick +as we laid 'em down, so you couldn't touch a thing without runnin' a +chance to be stung. Oh, the agony of that time! the distress of that +pleasure exertion! But I kep' to work, and when we had got dinner most +ready I went back to call Josiah again. Old Miss Bobbet said she would +go with me, for she thought she see a wild turnip in the woods there, +and her Shakespeare had a awful cold, and she would try to dig one to +give him. So we started up the hill again. He sot in the same position, +all huddled up, with his leg under him, as uncomfortable a lookin' +creeter as I ever see. But when we both stood in front of him, he +pretended to look careless and happy, and smiled that sick smile. + +Says I, "Come, Josiah Allen; dinner is ready." + +"Oh, I hain't hungry," says he. "The table will probable be full. I had +jest as lieves wait." + +"Table full!" says I. "You know jest as well as I do that we are eatin' +on the ground. Do you come and eat your dinner this minute." + +"Yes, do come," says Miss Bobbet; "we can't get along without you!" + +"Oh!" says he, with a ghastly smile, pretending to joke, "I have got +plenty to eat here--I can eat muskeeters." + +The air was black with 'em, I couldn't deny it. + +"The muskeeters will eat you, more likely," says I. "Look at your face +and hands; they are all covered with 'em." + +"Yes, they have eat considerable of a dinner out of me, but I don't +begrech 'em. I hain't small enough, nor mean enough, I hope, to begrech +'em one good meal." + +Miss Bobbet started off in search of her wild turnip, and after she had +got out of sight Josiah whispered to me with a savage look and a tone +sharp as a sharp ax: + +"Can't you bring forty or fifty more wimmen up here? You couldn't come +here a minute, could you, without a lot of other wimmen tight to your +heels?" + +I begun to see daylight, and after Miss Bobbet had got her wild turnip +and some spignut, I made some excuse to send her on ahead, and then +Josiah told me all about why he had gone off by himself alone, and why +he had been a-settin' in such a curious position all the time since we +had come in sight of him. + +It seems he had set down on that bottle of rossberry jell. That red +stripe on the side wasn't hardly finished, as I said, and I hadn't +fastened my thread properly, so when he got to pullin' at 'em to try to +wipe off the jell, the thread started, and bein' sewed on a machine, +that seam jest ripped from top to bottom. That was what he had walked +off sideways toward the woods for. But Josiah Allen's wife hain't one to +desert a companion in distress. I pinned 'em up as well as I could, and +I didn't say a word to hurt his feelin's, only I jest said this to him, +as I was fixin' 'em--I fastened my gray eye firmly, and almost sternly +onto him, and says I: + +"Josiah Allen, is this pleasure?" Says I, "You was determined to come." + +"Throw that in my face agin, will you? What if I was? There goes a pin +into my leg! I should think I had suffered enough without your stabbin' +of me with pins." + +"Wal, then, stand still, and not be a-caperin' round so. How do you +s'pose I can do anything with you a-tossin' round so?" + +"Wal, don't be so aggravatin', then." + +I fixed 'em as well as I could, but they looked pretty bad, and there +they was all covered with jell, too. What to do I didn't know. But +finally I told him I would put my shawl onto him. So I doubled it up +corner-ways as big as I could, so it almost touched the ground behind, +and he walked back to the table with me. I told him it was best to tell +the company all about it, but he just put his foot down that he +wouldn't, and I told him if he wouldn't that he must make his own +excuses to the company about wearin' the shawl. So he told 'em he always +loved to wear summer shawls; he thought it made a man look so dressy. + +But he looked as if he would sink all the time he was a-sayin' it. They +all looked dretful curious at him, and he looked as meachin' as if he +had stole sheep--and meachin'er--and he never took a minute's comfort, +nor I nuther. He was sick all the way back to the shore, and so was I. +And jest as we got into our wagons and started for home, the rain began +to pour down. The wind turned our old umberell inside out in no time. My +lawn dress was most spilte before, and now I give up my bonnet. And I +says to Josiah: + +"This bonnet and dress are spilte, Josiah Allen, and I shall have to buy +some new ones." + +"Wal, wal! who said you wouldn't?" he snapped out. + +But it were on him. Oh, how the rain poured down! Josiah, havin' nothin' +but a handkerchief on his head, felt it more than I did. I had took a +apron to put on a-gettin' dinner, and I tried to make him let me pin it +on his head. But says he, firmly: + +"I hain't proud and haughty, Samantha, but I do feel above ridin' out +with a pink apron on for a hat." + +"Wal, then," says I, "get as wet as sop, if you had ruther." + +I didn't say no more, but there we jest sot and suffered. The rain +poured down; the wind howled at us; the old mare went slow; the +rheumatiz laid holt of both of us; and the thought of the new bonnet and +dress was a-wearin' on Josiah, I knew. + +There wasn't a house for the first seven miles, and after we got there I +thought we wouldn't go in, for we had got to get home to milk anyway, +and we was both as wet as we could be. After I had beset him about the +apron, we didn't say hardly a word for as much as thirteen miles or so; +but I did speak once, as he leaned forward, with the rain drippin' offen +his bandanna handkerchief onto his blue pantaloons. I says to him in +stern tones: + +"Is this pleasure, Josiah Allen?" + +He give the old mare a awful cut and says he: "I'd like to know what you +want to be so aggravatin' for?" + +I didn't multiply any more words with him, only as we drove up to our +doorstep, and he helped me out into a mud-puddle, I says to him: + +"Mebbe you'll hear to me another time, Josiah Allen." + +And I'll bet he will. I hain't afraid to bet a ten-cent bill that that +man won't never open his mouth to me again about a pleasure exertion. + + * * * * * + +A simple-hearted and truly devout country preacher, who had tasted but +few of the drinks of the world, took dinner with a high-toned family, +where a glass of milk punch was quietly set down by each plate. In +silence and happiness this new Vicar of Wakefield quaffed his goblet, +and then added, "Madam, you should daily thank God for such a good +cow." + + + + +EDMUND CLARENCE STEDMAN + + +THE DIAMOND WEDDING + + O Love! Love! Love! What times were those, + Long ere the age of belles and beaux, + And Brussels lace and silken hose, + When, in the green Arcadian close, + You married Psyche under the rose, + With only the grass for bedding! + Heart to heart, and hand to hand, + You followed Nature's sweet command, + Roaming lovingly through the land, + Nor sighed for a Diamond Wedding. + + So have we read in classic Ovid, + How Hero watched for her beloved, + Impassioned youth, Leander. + She was the fairest of the fair, + And wrapt him round with her golden hair, + Whenever he landed cold and bare, + With nothing to eat and nothing to wear, + And wetter than any gander; + For Love was Love, and better than money; + The slyer the theft, the sweeter the honey; + And kissing was clover, all the world over, + Wherever Cupid might wander. + + So thousands of years have come and gone, + And still the moon is shining on, + Still Hymen's torch is lighted; + And hitherto, in this land of the West, + Most couples in love have thought it best + To follow the ancient way of the rest, + And quietly get united. + + But now, True Love, you're growing old-- + Bought and sold, with silver and gold, + Like a house, or a horse and carriage! + Midnight talks, + Moonlight walks, + The glance of the eye and sweetheart sigh, + The shadowy haunts, with no one by, + I do not wish to disparage; + But every kiss + Has a price for its bliss, + In the modern code of marriage; + And the compact sweet + Is not complete + Till the high contracting parties meet + Before the altar of Mammon; + And the bride must be led to a silver bower, + Where pearls and rubies fall in a shower + That would frighten Jupiter Ammon! + + I need not tell + How it befell, + (Since Jenkins has told the story + Over and over and over again, + In a style I cannot hope to attain, + And covered himself with glory!) + How it befell, one summer's day, + The king of the Cubans strolled this way-- + King January's his name, they say-- + And fell in love with the Princess May, + The reigning belle of Manhattan; + Nor how he began to smirk and sue, + And dress as lovers who come to woo, + Or as Max Maretzek and Jullien do, + When they sit full-bloomed in the ladies' view, + And flourish the wondrous baton. + + He wasn't one of your Polish nobles, + Whose presence their country somehow troubles, + And so our cities receive them; + Nor one of your make-believe Spanish grandees, + Who ply our daughters with lies and candies, + Until the poor girls believe them. + No, he was no such charlatan-- + Count de Hoboken Flash-in-the-pan, + Full of gasconade and bravado-- + But a regular, rich Don Rataplan, + Santa Claus de la Muscovado, + Senor Grandissimo Bastinado. + His was the rental of half Havana + And all Matanzas; and Santa Anna, + Rich as he was, could hardly hold + A candle to light the mines of gold + Our Cuban owned, choke-full of diggers; + And broad plantations, that, in round figures, + Were stocked with at least five thousand niggers! + + "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may!" + The Senor swore to carry the day, + To capture the beautiful Princess May, + With his battery of treasure; + Velvet and lace she should not lack; + Tiffany, Haughwout, Ball & Black, + Genin and Stewart his suit should back, + And come and go at her pleasure; + Jet and lava--silver and gold---- + Garnets--emeralds rare to behold---- + Diamonds--sapphires--wealth untold---- + All were hers, to have and to hold: + Enough to fill a peck measure! + + He didn't bring all his forces on + At once, but like a crafty old Don, + Who many a heart had fought and won, + Kept bidding a little higher; + And every time he made his bid, + And what she said, and all they did---- + 'Twas written down, + For the good of the town, + By Jeems, of _The Daily Flyer_. + + A coach and horses, you'd think, would buy + For the Don an easy victory; + But slowly our Princess yielded. + A diamond necklace caught her eye, + But a wreath of pearls first made her sigh. + She knew the worth of each maiden glance, + And, like young colts, that curvet and prance, + She led the Don a deuce of a dance, + In spite of the wealth he wielded. + + She stood such a fire of silks and laces, + Jewels and gold dressing-cases, + And ruby brooches, and jets and pearls, + That every one of her dainty curls + Brought the price of a hundred common girls; + Folks thought the lass demented! + But at last a wonderful diamond ring, + An infant Kohinoor, did the thing, + And, sighing with love, or something the same, + (What's in a name?) + The Princess May consented. + + Ring! ring the bells, and bring + The people to see the marrying! + Let the gaunt and hungry and ragged poor + Throng round the great cathedral door, + To wonder what all the hubbub's for, + And sometimes stupidly wonder + At so much sunshine and brightness which + Fall from the church upon the rich, + While the poor get all the thunder. + + Ring, ring! merry bells, ring! + O fortunate few, + With letters blue, + Good for a seat and a nearer view! + Fortunate few, whom I dare not name; + _Dilettanti! Creme de la creme!_ + We commoners stood by the street facade, + And caught a glimpse of the cavalcade. + We saw the bride + In diamond pride, + With jeweled maidens to guard her side---- + Six lustrous maidens in tarletan. + She led the van of the caravan; + Close behind her, her mother + (Dressed in gorgeous _moire antique_, + That told as plainly as words could speak, + She was more antique than the other) + Leaned on the arm of Don Rataplan + Santa Claus de la Muscovado + Senor Grandissimo Bastinado. + Happy mortal! fortunate man! + And Marquis of El Dorado! + + In they swept, all riches and grace, + Silks and satins, jewels and lace; + In they swept from the dazzled sun, + And soon in the church the deed was done. + Three prelates stood on the chancel high: + A knot that gold and silver can buy, + Gold and silver may yet untie, + Unless it is tightly fastened; + What's worth doing at all's worth doing well, + And the sale of a young Manhattan belle + Is not to be pushed or hastened; + So two Very-Reverends graced the scene, + And the tall Archbishop stood between, + By prayer and fasting chastened. + The Pope himself would have come from Rome, + But Garibaldi kept him at home. + Haply these robed prelates thought + Their words were the power that tied the knot; + But another power that love-knot tied, + And I saw the chain round the neck of the bride---- + A glistening, priceless, marvelous chain, + Coiled with diamonds again and again, + As befits a diamond wedding; + Yet still 'twas a chain, and I thought she knew it, + And halfway longed for the will to undo it, + By the secret tears she was shedding. + + But isn't it odd to think, whenever + We all go through that terrible River---- + Whose sluggish tide alone can sever + (The Archbishop says) the Church decree, + By floating one in to Eternity + And leaving the other alive as ever---- + As each wades through that ghastly stream, + The satins that rustle and gems that gleam, + Will grow pale and heavy, and sink away + To the noisome River's bottom-clay! + Then the costly bride and her maidens six + Will shiver upon the bank of the Styx, + Quite as helpless as they were born---- + Naked souls, and very forlorn; + The Princess, then, must shift for herself, + And lay her royalty on the shelf; + She, and the beautiful Empress, yonder, + Whose robes are now the wide world's wonder, + And even ourselves, and our dear little wives, + Who calico wear each morn of their lives, + And the sewing-girls, and _les chiffonniers_, + In rags and hunger--a gaunt array---- + And all the grooms of the caravan---- + Ay, even the great Don Rataplan + Santa Claus de la Muscovado + Senor Grandissimo Bastinado---- + That gold-encrusted, fortunate man---- + All will land in naked equality: + The lord of a ribboned principality + Will mourn the loss of his _cordon_; + Nothing to eat and nothing to wear + Will certainly be the fashion there! + Ten to one, and I'll go it alone; + Those most used to a rag and bone, + Though here on earth they labor and groan, + Will stand it best, as they wade abreast + To the other side of Jordan. + + * * * * * + +When Grant's army crossed the Rappahannock Lee's veterans felt sure of +sending it back as "tattered and torn" as ever it had been under the new +general's numerous predecessors. After the crossing, the first prisoners +caught by Mosby were asked many questions by curious Confederates. + +"What has become of your pontoon train?" said one such inquirer. + +"We haven't got any," answered the prisoner. + +"How do you expect to get over the river when you go back?" + +"Oh," said the Yankee, "we are not going back. Grant says that all the +men he sends back can cross on a log." + + + + +JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL + + +WHAT MR. ROBINSON THINKS + + Guvener B. is a sensible man; + He stays to his home an' looks arter his folks; + He draws his furrer ez straight ez he can, + An' into nobody's tater-patch pokes; + But John P. + Robinson he + Sez he wun't vote fer Guvener B. + + My! ain't it terrible? Wut shall we du? + We can't never choose him o' course--thet's flat; + Guess we shall hev to come round (don't you?) + An' go in fer thunder an' guns, an' all that; + Fer John P. + Robinson he + Sez he wun't vote for Guvener B. + + Gineral C. is a dreffle smart man: + He's ben on all sides thet give places or pelf; + But consistency still wuz a part of his plan---- + He's ben true to _one_ party--an' thet is himself; + So John P. + Robinson he + Sez he shall vote for Gineral C. + + Gineral C. he goes in fer the war; + He don't vally principle more'n an old cud; + Wut did God make us raytional creeturs fer, + But glory an' gunpowder, plunder an' blood? + So John P. + Robinson he + Sez he shall vote fer Gineral C. + + We were gittin' on nicely up here to our village, + With good old idees o' wut's right an' wut ain't, + We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an pillage, + An' thet eppyletts worn't the best mark of a saint; + But John P. + Robinson he + Sez this kind o' thing's an exploded idee. + + The side of our country must ollers be took, + An' President Polk, you know, _he_ is our country. + An' the angel thet writes all our sins in a book + Puts the _debit_ to him, an' to us the _per contry_; + An' John P. + Robinson he + Sez this is his view o' the things to a T. + + Parson Wilbur he calls all these argimunts lies; + Sez they're nothin' on airth but jest _fee, faw, fum_: + An' thet all this big talk of our destinies + Is half on it ign'ance an' t'other half rum; + But John P. + Robinson he + Sez it ain't no sech thing; an', of course, so must we. + + Parson Wilbur sez _he_ never heerd in his life + Thet th' Apostles rigged out in their swaller-tail coats, + An' marched round in front of a drum an' a fife, + To git some on 'em office, and some on 'em votes; + But John P. + Robinson he + Sez they didn't know everythin' down in Judee. + + Wal, it's a marcy we've gut folks to tell us + The rights an' the wrongs o' these matters, I vow---- + God sends country lawyers, an' other wise fellers, + To start the world's team w'en it gits in a slough; + Fer John P. + Robinson he + Sez the world'll go right, ef he hollers out Gee! + + * * * * * + +_Old Gentleman_ (to driver of street-car): "My friend, what do you do +with your wages every week--put part of it in the savings bank?" + +_Driver:_ "No, sir. After payin' the butcher an' grocer an' rent, I pack +away what's left in barrels. I'm 'fraid of them savin's banks." + + +MUSIC BY THE CHOIR + +After the church organist had played a voluntary, introducing airs from +"1492" and "The Black Crook"--which, of course, were not recognized by +the congregation--the choir arose for its first anthem of the morning. + +The choir was made up of two parts, a quartette and a chorus. The former +occupied seats in the front row--because the members were paid. The +chorus was grouped about, and made a somewhat striking as well as +startling picture. There were some who could sing; some who thought they +could; and there were others. + +The leader of this aggregation was the tenor of the quartette. He was +tall, but his neck was responsible for considerable of his extreme +height. Because he was paid to lead that choir he gave the impression to +those who saw him that he was cutting some ice. A greater part of his +contortions were lost because the audience did not face the choir. + +The organist struck a few chords, and without any preliminary +wood-sawing the choir squared itself for action. Of course, there were a +few who did not find the place till after rising--this is so in all +choirs--but finally all appeared to be ready. The leader let out another +link in his neck, and while his head was taking a motion similar to a +hen's when walking, the choir broke loose. This is what it sang: + +"Abide-e-e--bide--ab--abide--with abide +with--bide--a-a-a-a-bide--me--with me-e-e--abide with--with +me--fast--f-a-a-s-t falls--abide fast the even--fast fa-a-a-lls +the--abide with me--eventide--falls the e-e-eventide--fast--the--the +dark--the darkness abide--the darkness deepens--Lor-r-d with +me-e-e--Lord with me--deepens--Lord--Lord--darkness deepens--wi-i-th +me--Lord with me--me a-a-a-a-abide." + +That was the first verse. + +There were three others. + +Every one is familiar with the hymn, hence it is not necessary to line +the verses. + +During the performance, some who had not attended the choir rehearsal +the Thursday evening previous were a little slow in spots. During the +passage of these spots some would move their lips and not utter a sound, +while others--particularly the ladies--found it convenient to feel of +their back hair or straighten their hats. Each one who did this had a +look as if she could honestly say, "I could sing that if I saw fit"--and +the choir sang on. + +But when there came a note, a measure or a bar with which all were +familiar, what a grand volume of music burst forth. It didn't happen +this way many times, because the paid singers were supposed to do the +greater part of the work. And the others were willing. + +At one point, after a breathing spell--or a rest, as musicians say--the +tenor started alone. He didn't mean to. But by this break the deacons +discovered that he was in the game and earning his salary. The others +caught him at the first quarter, however, and away they went again, neck +and neck. Before they finished, several had changed places. Sometimes +"Abide" was ahead, and sometimes "Lord," but on the whole it was a +pretty even thing. + +Then the minister--he drew a salary, also--read something out of the +Bible, after which--as they say in the newspapers--"there was another +well-rendered selection by the choir." + +This spasm was a tenor solo with chorus accompaniment. This was when he +of the long neck got in his deadly work. The audience faced the choir +and the salaried soloist was happy. + +When the huddling had ceased, the soloist stepped a trifle to the front +and, with the confidence born of a man who stands pat on four aces, gave +a majestic sweep of his head toward the organist. He said nothing, but +the movement implied, "Let 'er go, Gallagher." + +Gallagher was on deck and after getting his patent leather shoes well +braced on the sub-bass pedals, he knotted together a few chords, and the +soloist was off. His selection was--that is, _verbatim_, + + "Ge-yide me, ge-yide me, ge-yide me, O-, + Thor-or gra-ut Jaw-aw-hars-vah, + Pi-il-grum thraw-aw this baw-aw-raw-en larnd." + +And he sang other things. + +He was away up in G. He diminuendoed, struck a cantable movement, slid +up over a crescendo, tackled a second ending by mistake--but it +went--caught his second wind on a moderato, signified his desire for a +raise in salary on a trill, did some brilliant work on a maestoso, +reached high C with ease, went down into the bass clef and climbed out +again, quavered and held, did sixteen notes by the handful--payable on +demand--waltzed along a minor passage, gracefully turned the dal segno, +skipped a chromatic run, did the con expressione act worthy of a De +Reszke, poured forth volumes on a measure bold, broke the centre of an +andante passage for three yards, retarded to beat the band, came near +getting applause on a cadenza, took a six-barred triplet without turning +a hair--then sat down. + +Between whiles the chorus had been singing something else. The notes +bumped against the oiled natural-wood rafters--it was a modern +church--ricochetted over the memorial windows, clung lovingly to the new +$200 chandelier, floated along the ridgepole, patted the bald-headed +deacons fondly, and finally died away in a bunch of contribution boxes +in the corner. + +Then the minister preached. + + * * * * * + +A Chicago man who has recently returned from Europe was asked by a +friend what he thought of Rome. + +"Well," he replied, "Rome is a fair-sized town, but I couldn't help but +think when I was there that she had seen her best days." + + + + +MARK TWAIN + + +THE NOTORIOUS JUMPING FROG OF CALAVERAS COUNTY[B] + +In compliance with the request of a friend of mine, who wrote me from +the East, I called on good-natured, garrulous old Simon Wheeler, and +inquired after my friend's friend, Leonidas W. Smiley, as requested to +do, and I hereunto append the result. I have a lurking suspicion that +Leonidas W. Smiley is a myth; that my friend never knew such a +personage; and that he only conjectured that if I asked old Wheeler +about him, it would remind him of his infamous Jim Smiley, and he would +go to work and bore me to death with some exasperating reminiscence of +him as long and as tedious as it should be useless to me. If that was +the design, it succeeded. + +[Footnote B: By permission of the American Publishing Company.] + +I found Simon Wheeler dozing comfortably by the barroom stove of the +dilapidated tavern in the decayed mining camp of Angel's, and I noticed +that he was fat and bald-headed, and had an expression of winning +gentleness and simplicity upon his tranquil countenance. He roused up, +and gave me good day. I told him a friend of mine had commissioned me to +make some inquiries about a cherished companion of his boyhood named +_Leonidas W_. Smiley--_Reverend Leonidas W._ Smiley, a young minister of +the Gospel, who he had heard was at one time a resident of Angel's Camp. +I added that if Mr. Wheeler could tell me anything about this Reverend +Leonidas W. Smiley I would feel under many obligations to him. + +Simon Wheeler backed me into a corner and blockaded me there with his +chair, and then sat down and reeled off the monotonous narrative which +follows this paragraph. He never smiled, he never frowned, he never +changed his voice from the gentle-flowing key to which he tuned his +initial sentence, he never betrayed the slightest suspicion of +enthusiasm; but all through the interminable narrative there ran a vein +of impressive earnestness and sincerity which showed me plainly that, so +far from his imagining that there was anything ridiculous or funny about +his story, he regarded it as a really important matter, and admired its +two heroes as men of transcendent genius in _finesse_. I let him go on +in his own way, and never interrupted him once. + +Reverend Leonidas W. H'm, Reverend Le--well, there was a feller here +once by the name of _Jim_ Smiley, in the winter of '49--or maybe it was +the spring of '50--I don't recollect exactly, somehow, though what makes +me think it was one or the other is because I remember the big flume +warn't finished when he first come to the camp; but anyway, he was the +curiosest man about always betting on anything that turned up you ever +see, if he could get anybody to bet on the other side; and if he +couldn't he'd change sides. Any way that suited the other man would suit +_him_--any way just so's he got a bet, _he_ was satisfied. But still he +was lucky, uncommon lucky; he most always come out winner. He was always +ready and laying for a chance; there couldn't be no solit'ry thing +mentioned but that feller'd offer to bet on it, and take ary side you +please, as I was just telling you. If there was a horse-race, you'd find +him flush or you'd find him busted at the end of it; if there was a +dog-fight, he'd bet on it; if there was a cat-fight, he'd bet on it; if +there was a chicken-fight, he'd bet on it; why, if there was two birds +setting on a fence, he would bet you which one would fly first; or if +there was a camp-meeting he would be there reg'lar to bet on Parson +Walker, which he judged to be the best exhorter about here, and so he +was too, and a good man. If he even see a straddle-bug start to go +anywhere, he would bet how long it would take him to get to--to wherever +he was going to, and if you took him up, he would foller that +straddle-bug to Mexico but what he would find out where he was bound for +and how long he was on the road. Lots of the boys here has seen that +Smiley and can tell you about him. Why, it never made no difference to +_him_--he'd bet on _any_thing--the dangdest feller. Parson Walker's wife +laid very sick once, for a good while, and it seemed as if they warn't +going to save her; but one morning he come in, and Smiley up and asked +him how she was, and he said she was considable better--thank the Lord +for His inf'nite mercy--and coming on so smart that with the blessing of +Prov'dence she'd get well yet; and Smiley, before he thought, says, +"Well, I'll resk two-and-a-half she don't anyway." + +Thish-yer Smiley had a mare--the boys called her the fifteen-minute nag, +but that was only in fun, you know, because of course she was faster +than that--and he used to win money on that horse, for all she was slow +and always had the asthma, or the distemper, or the consumption, or +something of that kind. They used to give her two or three hundred yards +start, and then pass her under way; but always at the fag end of the +race she'd get excited and desperate like, and come cavorting and +straddling up, and scattering her legs around limber, sometimes in the +air and sometimes out to one side among the fences, and kicking up +m-o-r-e dust and raising m-o-r-e racket with her coughing and sneezing +and blowing her nose--and _always_ fetch up at the stand just about a +neck ahead, as near as you could cipher it down. + +And he had a little small bull-pup, that to look at him you'd think he +warn't worth a cent but to set around and look ornery and lay for a +chance to steal something. But as soon as money was up on him he was a +different dog; his under-jaw'd begin to stick out like the fo'castle of +a steamboat, and his teeth would uncover and shine like the furnaces. +And a dog might tackle him and bully-rag him, and bite him, and throw +him over his shoulder two or three times, and Andrew Jackson--which was +the name of the pup--Andrew Jackson would never let on but what _he_ was +satisfied, and hadn't expected nothing else--and the bets being doubled +and doubled on the other side all the time, till the money was all up; +and then all of a sudden he would grab that other dog just by the j'int +of his hind leg and freeze to it--not chaw, you understand, but only +just grip and hang on till they throwed up the sponge, if it was a year. +Smiley always come out winner on that pup, till he harnessed a dog once +that didn't have no hind legs, because they'd been sawed off in a +circular saw, and when the thing had gone along far enough, and the +money was all up, and he come to make a snatch for his pet holt, he see +in a minute how he'd been imposed on, and how the other dog had him in +the door, so to speak, and he 'peared surprised, and then he looked +sorter discouraged-like, and didn't try no more to win the fight, and so +he got shucked out bad. He give Smiley a look, as much as to say his +heart was broke, and it was _his_ fault, for putting up a dog that +hadn't no hind legs for him to take holt of, which was his main +dependence in a fight, and then he limped off a piece and laid down and +died. It was a good pup, was that Andrew Jackson, and would have made a +name for hisself if he'd lived, for the stuff was in him and he had +genius--I know it, because he hadn't no opportunities to speak of, and +it don't stand to reason that a dog could make such a fight as he could +under them circumstances if he hadn't no talent. It always makes me feel +sorry when I think of that last fight of his'n, and the way it turned +out. + +Well, thish-yer Smiley had rat-tarriers, and chicken cocks, and +tom-cats, and all them kind of things till you couldn't rest, and you +couldn't fetch nothing for him to bet on but he'd match you. He ketched +a frog one day, and took him home, and said he cal'lated to educate him; +and so he never done nothing for three months but set in his back yard +and learn that frog to jump. And you bet you he _did_ learn him, too. +He'd give him a little punch behind, and the next minute you'd see that +frog whirling in the air like a doughnut--see him turn one summerset, or +maybe a couple, if he got a good start, and come down flat-footed and +all right, like a cat. He got him up so in the matter of ketching flies, +and kep' him in practice so constant, that he'd nail a fly every time as +fur as he could see him. Smiley said all a frog wanted was education and +he could do 'most anything--and I believe him. Why, I've seen him set +Dan'l Webster down here on this floor--Dan'l Webster was the name of the +frog--and sing out, "Flies, Dan'l, flies!" and quicker'n you could wink +he'd spring straight up and snake a fly off'n the counter there, and +flop down on the floor ag'in as solid as a gob of mud, and fall to +scratching the side of his head with his hind foot as indifferent as if +he hadn't no idea he'd been doin' any more'n any frog might do. You +never see a frog so modest and straightfor'ard as he was, for all he was +so gifted. And when it come to fair and square jumping on a dead level, +he could get over more ground at one straddle than any animal of his +breed you ever see. Jumping on a dead level was his strong suit, you +understand; and when it come to that, Smiley would ante up money on him +as long as he had a red. Smiley was monstrous proud of his frog, and +well he might be, for fellers that had traveled and been everywheres all +said he laid over any frog that ever _they_ see. + +Well, Smiley kep' the beast in a little lattice box, and he used to +fetch him downtown sometimes and lay for a bet. One day a feller--a +stranger in the camp, he was--come acrost him with his box, and says: + +"What might it be that you've got in the box?" + +And Smiley says, sorter indifferent-like, "It might be a parrot, or it +might be a canary, maybe, but it ain't--it's only just a frog." + +And the feller took it, and looked at it careful, and turned it round +this way and that, and says, "H'm--so 'tis. Well, what's _he_ good for?" + +"Well," Smiley says, easy and careless, "he's good enough for _one_ +thing, I should judge--he can outjump any frog in Calaveras County." + +The feller took the box again, and took another long, particular look, +and give it back to Smiley, and says, very deliberate, "Well," he says, +"I don't see no p'ints about that frog that's any better'n any other +frog." + +"Maybe you don't," Smiley says. "Maybe you understand frogs and maybe +you don't understand 'em; maybe you've had experience, and maybe you +ain't only a amature, as it were. Anyways, I've got _my_ opinion, and +I'll resk forty dollars that he can outjump any frog in Calaveras +County." + +And the feller studied a minute, and then says, kinder sad like, "Well, +I'm only a stranger here, and I ain't got no frog; but if I had a frog +I'd bet you." + +And then Smiley says, "That's all right--that's all right--if you'll +hold my box a minute I'll go and get you a frog." And so the feller took +the box, and put up his forty dollars along with Smiley's, and set down +to wait. + +So he set there a good while thinking and thinking to himself, and then +he got the frog out and prized his mouth open and took a teaspoon and +filled him full of quail shot--filled him pretty near up to his +chin--and set him on the floor. Smiley he went to the swamp and slopped +around in the mud for a long time, and finally he ketched a frog, and +fetched him in, and give him to this feller, and says: + +"Now, if you're ready, set him alongside of Dan'l with his forepaws just +even with Dan'l's, and I'll give the word." Then he says, +"One--two--three--_git!_" and him and the feller touched up the frogs +from behind, and the new frog hopped off lively, but Dan'l give a heave, +and hysted up his shoulders--so--like a Frenchman, but it warn't no +use--he couldn't budge; he was planted as solid as a church, and he +couldn't no more stir than if he was anchored out. Smiley was a good +deal surprised, and he was disgusted too, but he didn't have no idea +what the matter was, of course. + +The feller took the money and started away; and when he was going out at +the door, he sorter jerked his thumb over his shoulder--so--at Dan'l, +and says again, very deliberate, "Well," he says, "_I_ don't see no +p'ints about that frog that's any better'n any other frog." + +Smiley he stood scratching his head and looking down at Dan'l a long +time, and at last he says, "I do wonder what in the nation that frog +throw'd off for--I wonder if there ain't something the matter with +him--he 'pears to look mighty baggy, somehow." And he ketched Dan'l by +the nap of the neck, and hefted him, and says, "Why, blame my cats if he +don't weigh five pound!" and turned him upside down and he belched out a +double handful of shot. And then he see how it was, and he was the +maddest man--he set the frog down and took out after that feller, but he +never ketched him. And---- + +[Here Simon Wheeler heard his name called from the front yard, and got +up to see what was wanted.] And turning to me as he moved away, he said: +"Just set where you are, stranger, and rest easy--I ain't going to be +gone a second." + +But, by your leave, I did not think that a continuation of the history +of the enterprising vagabond _Jim_ Smiley would be likely to afford me +much information concerning the Reverend _Leonidas W._ Smiley, and so I +started away. + +At the door I met the sociable Wheeler returning, and he buttonholed me +and recommenced: + +"Well, thish-yer Smiley had a yaller, one-eyed cow that didn't have no +tail, only just a short stump like a bannanner, and----" + +However, lacking both time and inclination, I did not wait to hear about +the afflicted cow, but took my leave. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Little Masterpieces of American Wit +and Humor, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMERICAN WIT AND HUMOR *** + +***** This file should be named 21196.txt or 21196.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/1/1/9/21196/ + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Janet Blenkinship and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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