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diff --git a/21206.txt b/21206.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..35ae5fb --- /dev/null +++ b/21206.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16030 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Romany Rye, by George Borrow, Edited by +Theodore Watts-Dunton + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The Romany Rye + a sequel to "Lavengro" + + +Author: George Borrow + +Editor: Theodore Watts-Dunton + +Release Date: April 24, 2007 [eBook #21206] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ROMANY RYE*** + + + +Transcribed from the 1900 Ward, Lock and Co. edition by David Price, +email ccx074@pglaf.org + + + + + +THE +ROMANY RYE: + + +A SEQUEL TO "LAVENGRO." + +BY +GEORGE BORROW, +AUTHOR OF +"THE BIBLE IN SPAIN," "THE GYPSIES OF SPAIN," ETC. + +_WITH SPECIAL INTRODUCTION BY_ +THEODORE WATTS-DUNTON + +"Fear God, and take your own part." + +LONDON +WARD, LOCK AND CO. LIMITED +WARWICK HOUSE, SALISBURY SQUARE, E.C +NEW YORK AND MELBOURNE + +{Horncastle horse fair in the olden days. (From an old Water colour.): +p0.jpg} + + + + +ADVERTISEMENT. + + +It having been frequently stated in print that the book called "Lavengro" +was got up expressly against the popish agitation, in the years 1850-51, +the author takes this opportunity of saying that the principal part of +that book was written in the year '43, that the whole of it was completed +before the termination of the year '46, and that it was in the hands of +the publisher in the year '48. And here he cannot forbear observing, +that it was the duty of that publisher to have rebutted a statement which +he knew to be a calumny; and also to have set the public right on another +point dealt with in the Appendix to the present work, more especially as +he was the proprietor of a review enjoying, however undeservedly, a +certain sale and reputation. + + "But take your own part, boy! + For if you don't, no one will take it for you." + +With respect to "Lavengro," the author feels that he has no reason to be +ashamed of it. In writing that book he did his duty, by pointing out to +his country people the nonsense which, to the greater part of them, is as +the breath of their nostrils, and which, if indulged in, as it probably +will be, to the same extent as hitherto, will, within a very few years, +bring the land which he most loves beneath a foreign yoke: he does not +here allude to the yoke of Rome. + +Instead of being ashamed, has he not rather cause to be proud of a book +which has had the honour of being rancorously abused and execrated by the +very people of whom the country has least reason to be proud? + + One day Cogia Efendy went to a bridal festival. The masters of the + feast, observing his old and coarse apparel, paid him no consideration + whatever. The Cogia saw that he had no chance of notice; so going + out, he hurried to his house, and, putting on a splendid pelisse, + returned to the place of festival. No sooner did he enter the door + than the masters advanced to meet him, and saying, "Welcome, Cogia + Efendy," with all imaginable honour and reverence, placed him at the + head of the table, and said, "Please to eat, Lord Cogia." Forthwith + the Cogia, taking hold of one of the furs of his pelisse, said, + "Welcome, my pelisse; please to eat, my lord." The masters looking at + the Cogia with great surprise, said, "What are you about?" Whereupon + the Cogia replied, "As it is quite evident that all the honour paid is + paid to my pelisse, I think it ought to have some food + too."--PLEASANTRIES OF THE COGIA NASR EDDIN EFENDI. + + + + +IN DEFENCE OF BORROW. + + +When the publishers of "The Minerva Library" invited me to write a few +introductory words to this edition of Borrow's "Romany Rye," I hesitated +at first about undertaking the task. For, notwithstanding the kind +reception that my "Notes upon George Borrow" prefixed to their edition of +"Lavengro" met with from the public and the Press, I shrank from +associating again my own name with the name of a friend who is now an +English classic. But no sooner had I determined not to say any more +about my relations with Borrow than circumstances arose that impelled me, +as a matter of duty, to do so. Ever since the publication of Dr. Knapp's +memoirs of Borrow attacks upon his memory have been appearing--attacks +which only those who knew him can repel. + +His has indeed been a fantastic fate! When the shortcomings of any +illustrious man save Borrow are under discussion, "_les defauts de ses +qualites_" is the criticism--wise as charitable--which they evoke. Yes, +each one is allowed to have his angularities save Borrow. Each one is +allowed to show his own pet unpleasant facets of character now and +then--allowed to show them as inevitable foils to the pleasant ones--save +Borrow. _His_ weaknesses no one ever condones. During his lifetime his +faults were for ever chafing and irritating his acquaintances, and now +that he and they are all dead these faults of his seem to be chafing and +irritating people of another generation. A fantastic fate, I say, for +him who was so interesting to some of us! + +One writer assails him on account of his own ill-judged and unwarrantable +attacks upon a far greater man than himself--Sir Walter Scott; another on +account of his "no-popery" diatribes; another on account of his amusing +anger over "Charley o'er the Waterism." + +When Mr. Murray's new and admirable edition of "The Romany Rye" came out +this year, a review of the book appeared in the _Daily Chronicle_, in +which vitality was given--given by one of the most genial as well as +brilliant and picturesque writers of our time--to all the old +misrepresentations of Borrow and also to a good many new ones. The fact +that this review came from so distinguished a writer as Dr. Jessopp lends +it an importance and a permanency that cannot be ignored. To me it gave +a twofold pain to read that review, for it was written by a man for whom +I have a very special regard. I cannot claim Dr. Jessopp as a personal +friend, but I have once or twice met him; and, assuredly, to spend any +time in his society without being greatly attracted by him is impossible. +I must say that I consider it quite lamentable that he who can hardly +himself have seen much if anything of Borrow should have breathed the +anti-Borrovian atmosphere of Norwich--should have been brought into +contact with people there and in Norfolk generally who did know Borrow +and who disliked, because they did not understand, him. + +Lest it should be supposed that in writing with such warmth I am unduly +biassed in favour of Borrow I print here a letter I received concerning +that same review of Dr. Jessopp's. It is written by one who has with me +enjoyed many a delightful walk with Borrow in Richmond Park--one who knew +Borrow many years ago--long before I did--Dr. Gordon Hake's son--Mr. +Thomas St. E. Hake, the author of "Within Sound of the Weir," and other +successful novels, and a well-known writer in _Chambers's Journal_. + + CRAIGMORE, BULSTRODE ROAD, + HOUNSLOW, W. + _May_ 15, 1900. + + My Dear Watts-Dunton,--You will remember that when I congratulated you + upon the success of your two gypsy books I prophesied that now there + would be a boom of the gypsies: and I was right it seems. For you + will see by the enclosed newspaper cutting that in Surrey a regular + trade is going on in caravans for gypsy gentlemen. And "Lavengro" and + "The Romany Rye" are going, I see, into lots of new editions. I know + how this must gratify you. But I write to ask you whether you have + seen the extremely bitter attack upon Borrow's memory which has + appeared in the _Daily Chronicle_. The writer is a man I must surely + have heard you mention with esteem--Dr. Jessopp. It is a review of + Murray's new edition of "The Romany Rye." In case you have not seen + it I send you a cutting from it for you to judge for yourself. {0a} + + Was there ever anything so unjust as this? As to what he says about + Borrow's being without animal passion, I fancy that the writer must + have misread certain printed words of yours in which you say, + "Supposing Borrow to have been physically drawn towards any woman, + could she possibly have been a Romany? would she not rather have been + of the Scandinavian type?" But I am quite sure that, when you said + this, you did not intend to suggest that he was "the Narses of + Literature." As to his dislike of children, I have heard you say how + interested he used to seem in the presence of gypsy children, and I + especially remember one anecdote of yours about the interest he took + in a child that he thought was being injured by the mother's smoking. + And did you not get that lovely anecdote about the gypsy child weeping + in the churchyard because the poor dead gorgios could not hear the + church chimes from something he told you? But I can speak from + personal experience about his feeling towards children that were not + gypsies. When our family lived at Bury St. Edmunds, in the fifties, + my father, as you know, was one of Borrow's most intimate friends, and + he was frequently at our house, and Borrow and my father were a good + deal in correspondence (as Dr. Knapp's book shows) and my impression + of Borrow is exactly the contrary of that which it would be if he in + the least resembled Dr. Jessopp's description of him. At that time + George was in the nursery and I was a child. He took a wonderfully + kind interest in us all; * * * * * * * * but the one he took most + notice of was George, chiefly because he was a very big, massive + child. It was then that he playfully christened him "Hales," because + he said that the child would develop into a second "Norfolk giant." + You will remember that he always addressed George by that pet name. + But what do you think of Dr. Jessopp's saying that Borrow's voice was + not that of a man? You yourself have spoken in some of your + writings--I don't exactly remember where and when--of the "trumpet- + like clearness" of Borrow's voice. As to his being beardless and + therefore the "Narses of Literature" it is difficult to imagine that a + man of intelligence, as I suppose Dr. Jessopp is, can really think + virility depends upon the growth of a man's whiskers, as no doubt + ignorant people often do. I should have thought that a man who knew + Norfolk well would know that it is notable for its beardless giants of + great power. I really think that, as Borrow's most intimate friend in + his latest years (I mean after my father left Roehampton for Germany), + it is your duty to write something and stand up for the dear old boy, + and you are the one man now who can defend him and do him justice. I + assure you that the last time that I ever saw him his talk was a good + deal about yourself. I remember the occasion very well; it was just + outside the Bank of England, when he was returning from one of those + mysterious East-end expeditions that you wot of: he was just partially + recovering from that sad accident which you have somewhere alluded to. + As to Dr. Jessopp, it is clear from his remarks upon a friend of + Borrow's--the Rev. Mr. John Gunn, of Norwich, that he never saw + Borrow. Gunn, he says, was of colossal frame and must have been in + his youth quite an inch taller than Borrow. And then he goes on to + say that Gunn's arm was as big as an ordinary man's thigh. Now you + and I and George, are specially competent to speak of Borrow's + physical development, for we have been with Borrow when at seventy + years of age he would bathe in a pond covered with thin ice. He then + stood six feet four and his muscles were as fully developed as those + of a young man in training. If Gunn was a more colossal man than + Borrow he certainly ought to have been put into a show. But you + should read the entire article, and I wish I had preserved it. + + Yours ever affectionately, + THOMAS ST. E. HAKE. + +I consider this an interesting document to all Borrovians. There are +only two things in it which I have to challenge. I infer that Mr. Hake +shares the common mistake of supposing Borrow to have been an East +Anglian. Not that this is surprising, seeing that Borrow himself shared +the same mistake--a mistake upon which I have on a previous occasion +remarked. I have said elsewhere that one might as well call Charlotte +Bronte a Yorkshire woman as call Borrow an East Anglian. He was, of +course, no more an East Anglian than an Irishman born in London is an +Englishman. He had at bottom no East Anglian characteristics, and this +explains the Norfolk prejudice against him. He inherited nothing from +Norfolk save his accent--unless it were that love of "leg of mutton and +turnips" which Mr. Hake and I have so often seen exemplified. The reason +why Borrow was so misjudged in Norfolk was, as I have hinted above, that +the racial characteristics of the Celt and the East Anglian clashed too +severely. Yet he is a striking illustration of the way in which the +locality that has given birth to a man influences his imagination +throughout his life. His father, a Cornishman of a good middle-class +family, had been obliged, owing to a youthful escapade, to leave his +native place and enlist as a common soldier. Afterwards he became a +recruiting officer, and moved about from one part of Great Britain and +Ireland to another. It so chanced that while staying at East Dereham, in +Norfolk, he met and fell in love with a lady of French extraction. Not +one drop of East Anglian blood was in the veins of Borrow's father, and +very little in the veins of his mother. Borrow's ancestry was pure +Cornish on one side, and on the other mainly French. But such was the +egotism of Borrow--perhaps I should have said, such is the egotism of +human nature--that the fact of his having been born in East Anglia made +him look upon that part of the world as the very hub of the universe. +East Anglia, however, seems to have cherished a very different feeling +towards Borrow. Another mistake of Mr. Hake's is in supposing that +Borrow gave me the lovely incident of the gypsy child weeping in the +churchyard because "the poor dead gorgios could not hear the church +bells." As this mistake has been shared by others, and has appeared in +print, I may as well say that it was a real incident in the life of a +well-known Romany chi, from whom I have this very morning received a +charming letter dated from "the van in the field," where she has settled +for the winter. + +The anecdote about Borrow and the gypsy child who was, or seemed to be, +suffering through the mother's excessive love of her pipe can very +appropriately be introduced here, and I am glad that Mr. Hake has +recalled it to my mind. It shows not only Borrow's relations to +childhood, but also his susceptibility to those charms of womankind to +which Dr. Jessopp thinks he was impervious. Borrow was fond of telling +this story himself, in support of his anti-tobacco bias. Whenever he was +told, as he sometimes was, that what brought on the "horrors" when he +lived alone in the dingle, was the want of tobacco, this story was +certain to come up. + +One lovely morning in the late summer, just before the trees were clothed +with what is called "gypsy gold," and the bright green of the foliage +showed scarcely a touch of bronze--at that very moment, indeed, when the +spirits of all the wild flowers that have left the common and the +hedgerow seem to come back for an hour and mingle their half-forgotten +perfumes with the new breath of calamint, ground-ivy, and pimpernel, he +and a friend were walking towards a certain camp of gryengroes well known +to them both. They were bound upon a quaint expedition. Will the reader +"be surprised to learn" that it was connected with Matthew Arnold and a +race in which he took a good deal of interest, the gypsies? + +Borrow, whose attention had been only lately directed by his friend to +"The Scholar Gypsy," had declared that there was scarcely any latter-day +poetry worth reading, and also that whatever the merits of Matthew +Arnold's poem might be from any supposed artistic point of view, it +showed that Arnold had no conception of the Romany temper, and that no +gypsy who ever lived could sympathise with it, or even understand its +motive in the least degree. Borrow's friend had challenged this, +contending that howsoever Arnold's classic language might soar above a +gypsy's intelligence, the motive was so clearly developed that the most +illiterate person could grasp it. This was why in company with Borrow he +was now going (with a copy of Arnold's poems in his pocket) to try "The +Scholar Gypsy" upon the first intelligent gypsy woman they should meet at +the camp: as to gypsy men, "they were," said Borrow, "too prosaic to +furnish a fair test." + +As they were walking along, Borrow's eyes, which were as long-sighted as +a gypsy's, perceived a white speck in a twisted old hawthorn bush some +distance off. He stopped and said: "At first I thought that white speck +in the bush was a piece of paper, but it's a magpie," next to the water- +wagtail the gypsies' most famous bird. On going up to the bush they +discovered a magpie crouched among the leaves. As it did not stir at +their approach, Borrow's friend said to him: "It is wounded--or else +dying--or is it a tame bird escaped from a cage?" + +"Hawk!" said Borrow, laconically, and turned up his face and gazed into +the sky. "The magpie is waiting till the hawk has caught his quarry and +made his meal. I fancy he has himself been 'chivvied' by the hawk, as +the gypsies would say." + +And there, sure enough, beneath one of the silver clouds that specked the +dazzling blue a hawk--one of the kind which takes its prey in the open +rather than in the thick woodlands--was wheeling up and up, and trying +its best to get above a poor little lark in order to stoop at and devour +it. That the magpie had seen the hawk and had been a witness of the +opening of the tragedy of the lark was evident, for in its dread of the +common foe of all well-intentioned and honest birds, it had forgotten its +fear of all creatures except the hawk. Man it looked upon as a +protecting friend. + +As Borrow and his friend were gazing at the bird a woman's voice at their +elbows said-- + +"It's lucky to chivvy the hawk what chivvies a magpie. I shall stop here +till the hawk's flew away." + +They turned round, and there stood a magnificent gypsy woman, carrying, +gypsy fashion, a weakly child that, in spite of its sallow and wasted +cheek, proclaimed itself to be hers. By her side stood a young gypsy +girl of about seventeen years of age. She was beautiful--quite +remarkably so--but her beauty was not of the typical Romany kind. It +was, perhaps, more like the beauty of a Capri girl. + +She was bareheaded--there was not even a gypsy handkerchief on her +head--her hair was not plaited, and was not smooth and glossy like a +gypsy girl's hair, but flowed thick and heavy and rippling down the back +of her neck and upon her shoulders. In the tumbled tresses glittered +certain objects, which at first sight seemed to be jewels. They were +small dead dragon-flies of the crimson kind called "sylphs." + +To Borrow and his friend these gypsies were well known. The woman with +the child was one of the Boswells: I dare not say what was her +connection, if any, with "Boswell the Great"--I mean Sylvester Boswell, +the grammarian and "well-known and popalated gipsy of Codling Gap," who, +on a memorable occasion, wrote so eloquently about the superiority of the +gypsy mode of life to all others "on the accont of health, sweetness of +air, and for enjoying the pleasure of Nature's life." But this I do +remember--that it was the very same Perpinia Boswell whose remarkable +Christian name has lately been made the subject of inquiry in _The +Guardian_. The other gypsy, the girl of the dragon-flies, I prefer to +leave nameless here. + +After greeting the two, Borrow looked at the weakling child with the +deepest interest, and said, "This chavo ought not to look like that--with +such a mother as you, Perpinia." + +"And with such a daddy, too," said she. "Mike's stronger for a man nor +even I am for a woman"--a glow of wifely pride passing over her face; +"and as to good looks, it's him as is got the good looks, not me. But +none on us can't make it out about the chavo. He's so weak and sick he +don't look as if he belonged to Boswells' breed at all." + +"How many pipes of tobacco do you smoke in a day?" said Borrow's friend, +looking at the great black cutty pipe protruding from Perpinia's finely +cut lips, and seeming strangely out of place there. + +"Can't say," said she, laughing. + +"About as many as she can afford to buy," interrupted her +companion--"that's all. Mike don't like her a-smokin'. He says it makes +her look like a old Londra Irish woman in Common Garding Market." + +"You must not smoke another pipe," said Borrow's friend to the +mother--"not another pipe till the child leaves the breast." + +"What?" said Perpinia defiantly. "As if I could live without my pipe!" + +"Fancy Pep a-livin' without her baccy," laughed the girl of the dragon- +flies. + +"Your child can't live with it," said Borrow's friend to Perpinia. "That +pipe of yours is full of a poison called nicotine." + +"Nick what?" said the girl, laughing. "That's a new kind o' Nick. Why, +you smoke yourself!" + +"Nicotine," said Borrow's friend; "and the first part of Pep's body that +the poison gets into is her breast, and--" + +"Gets into my burk?" said Perpinia; "get along wi' ye." + +"Yes." + +"Do it pison Pep's milk?" said the girl. + +"Yes." + +"That ain't true," said Perpinia; "can't be true." + +"It _is_ true," said Borrow's friend. "If you don't give up that pipe +for a time the child will die, or else be a rickety thing all his life. +If you _do_ give it up, it will grow up to be as fine a Romany chal as +Mike himself." + +"Chavo agin pipe, Pep," said the girl. + +"Lend me your pipe, Perpinia," said Borrow, in that hail-fellow-well-met +tone of his which he reserved for the Romanies--a tone which no Romany +could ever resist. And he took it gently from the woman's lips. "Don't +smoke any more till I come to the camp and see the chavo again." + +The woman looked very angry at first. + +"He be's a good friend to the Romanies," said the girl in an appeasing +tone. + +"That's true," said the woman, "but he's no business to take my pipe out +o' my mouth for all that." + +She soon began to smile again, however, and let Borrow retain the pipe. +Borrow and his friend then moved away towards the dusty high-road leading +to the camp, and were joined by the young girl. Perpinia remained, +keeping guard over the magpie that was to bring luck to the sinking +child. + +It was determined now that the young girl was the very person to be used +as the test-critic of the Romany mind upon Arnold's poem, for she was +exceptionally intelligent. So instead of going to the camp the oddly +assorted little party of three struck across the ferns, gorse, and +heather towards "Kingfisher brook," and when they reached it they sat +down on a fallen tree. + +Nothing delights a gypsy girl so much as to listen to a story either told +or read to her, and when Borrow's friend pulled his book from his pocket +the gypsy girl began to clap her hands. Her anticipation of enjoyment +sent over her face a warm glow, and I can assure Dr. Jessopp that Borrow +(notwithstanding that his admiration of women was confined as a rule to +blondes of the Isopel Berners type) seemed as much struck by her beauty +as ever the Doctor could be himself. To say the truth, he frequently +talked of it afterwards. Her complexion, though darker than an English +girl's, was rather lighter than any ordinary gypsy's. Her eyes were of +an indescribable hue, but an artist who has since then painted her +portrait for Borrow's friend described it as a mingling of pansy-purple +and dark tawny. The pupils were so large that, being set in the somewhat +almond-shaped and long-eyelashed lids of her race, they were partly +curtained both above and below, and this had the peculiar effect of +making the eyes seem always a little contracted and just about to smile. +The great size and deep richness of the eyes made the straight little +nose seem smaller than it really was, they also lessened the apparent +size of the mouth, which, red as a rosebud, looked quite small until she +laughed when the white teeth made quite a wide glitter. + +"The beauty of that girl," murmured Borrow, "is really quite--quite--" + +I don't know what the sentence would have been had it been finished. + +Before three lines of the poem had been read she jumped up and cried, +"Look at the Devil's needles. They're come to sew my eyes up for killing +their brothers." + +And surely enough a gigantic dragon-fly, whose body-armour of sky-blue +and jet black, and great lace-woven wings, shining like a rainbow gauze, +caught the sun as he swept dazzling by, did really seem to be attracted +either by the wings of his dead brothers or by the lights shed from the +girl's eyes. + +"I dussn't set here," said she. "Us Romanies call this 'Dragon-fly +brook.' And that's the king o' the dragon-flies: he lives here." + +As she rose she seemed to be surrounded by dragon-flies of about a dozen +different species of all sizes, some crimson, some bronze, some green and +gold, whirling and dancing round her as if they meant to justify their +Romany name and sew up the girl's eyes. + +"The Romanies call them the Devil's needles," said Borrow; "their +business is to sew up pretty girl's eyes." + +In a second, however, they all vanished, and the girl after a while sat +down again to listen to the "lil," as she called the story. + +Glanville's prose story, upon which Arnold's poem is based, was read +first. In this the girl was much interested. She herself was in love +with a Romany Rye. But when the reader went on to read to her Arnold's +poem, though her eyes flashed now and then at the lovely bits of +description--for the country about Oxford is quite remarkably like the +country in which she was born--she looked sadly bewildered, and then +asked to have it all read again. After a second reading she said in a +meditative way, "Can't make out what the lil's all about--seems all about +nothink! Seems to me that the pretty sights what makes a Romany fit to +jump out o' her skin for joy makes this 'ere gorgio want to cry. What a +rum lot gorgios is sure_ly_!" + +And then she sprang up and ran off towards the camp with the agility of a +greyhound, turning round every few moments, pirouetting and laughing +aloud. + +"The beauty of that girl," Borrow again murmured, "is quite--quite--" + +Again he did not finish his sentence, but after a while said-- + +"That was all true about the nicotine?" + +"Partly, I think," said his friend, "but not being a medical man I must +not be too emphatic. If it _is_ true it ought to be a criminal offence +for any woman to smoke in excess while she is suckling a child." + +"Say it ought to be a criminal offence for a woman to smoke at all," +growled Borrow. "Fancy kissing a woman's mouth that smelt of stale +tobacco--pheugh!" + +Now, so far from forgetting this incident, Borrow took quite as much +interest in the case as though the child had been his own. He went at +short intervals to the camp to see Perpinia, who had abandoned her pipe, +for the time being. And when after a fortnight the child, either from +Perpinia's temporary abstention from nicotine, or through the "good luck" +sent by the magpie, or from some other cause began to recover from its +illness, he reported progress with the greatest gusto to his friend. + +"Is not Perpinia very grateful to you and to me?" said the friend. + +"Yes," said Borrow, with a twinkle in his eye. "She manages to feel +grateful to you and me for making her give up the pipe, and also to +believe at the same time that her child was saved by the good luck that +came to her because she guarded the magpie." + +If it were needful to furnish other instances of Borrow's interest in +children, and also of his susceptibility to feminine charms, I could +easily furnish them. As to the "rancorous hatred that smouldered in that +sad heart of his," in spite of all his oddities, all his +"cantankerousness," to use one of his own words, he was a singularly +steadfast and loyal friend. Indeed, it was the very steadfastness of his +friendship that drove him to perpetrate that outrage at Mr. Bevan's +house, recorded in Dr. Gordon Hake's "Memoirs." I need only recall the +way in which he used to speak of those who had been kind to him (such as +his publisher, Mr. John Murray for instance) to show that no one could be +more loyal or more grateful than he who has been depicted as the +incarnation of all that is spiteful, fussy, and mean. There is no need +for the world to be told here that the author of "Lavengro" is a +delightful writer, and one who is more sure than most authors of his time +to win that little span of life which writing men call "immortality." But +if there is need for the world to be told further that George Borrow was +a good man, that he was a most winsome and a most charming companion, +that he was an English gentleman, straightforward, honest, and brave as +the very best exemplars of that fine old type, the world is now told +so--told so by two of the few living men who can speak of him with +authority, the writer of the above letter and myself. + +THEODORE WATTS-DUNTON. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + +THE MAKING OF THE LINCH-PIN--THE SOUND SLEEPER--BREAKFAST--THE +POSTILLION'S DEPARTURE. + +I awoke at the first break of day, and, leaving the postillion fast +asleep, stepped out of the tent. The dingle was dank and dripping. I +lighted a fire of coals, and got my forge in readiness. I then ascended +to the field, where the chaise was standing as we had left it on the +previous evening. After looking at the cloud-stone near it, now cold, +and split into three pieces, I set about prying narrowly into the +condition of the wheel and axle-tree--the latter had sustained no damage +of any consequence, and the wheel, as far as I was able to judge, was +sound, being only slightly injured in the box. The only thing requisite +to set the chaise in a travelling condition appeared to be a linch-pin, +which I determined to make. Going to the companion wheel, I took out the +linch-pin, which I carried down with me to the dingle, to serve me as a +model. + +I found Belle by this time dressed, and seated near the forge: with a +slight nod to her like that which a person gives who happens to see an +acquaintance when his mind is occupied with important business, I +forthwith set about my work. Selecting a piece of iron which I thought +would serve my purpose, I placed it in the fire, and plying the bellows +in a furious manner, soon made it hot; then seizing it with the tongs, I +laid it on my anvil, and began to beat it with my hammer, according to +the rules of my art. The dingle resounded with my strokes. Belle sat +still, and occasionally smiled, but suddenly started up and retreated +towards her encampment, on a spark which I purposely sent in her +direction alighting on her knee. I found the making of a linch-pin no +easy matter; it was, however, less difficult than the fabrication of a +pony-shoe; my work, indeed, was much facilitated by my having another pin +to look at. In about three-quarters of an hour I had succeeded tolerably +well, and had produced a linch-pin which I thought would serve. During +all this time, notwithstanding the noise which I was making, the +postillion never showed his face. His non-appearance at first alarmed +me: I was afraid he might be dead, but, on looking into the tent, I found +him still buried in the soundest sleep. "He must surely be descended +from one of the seven sleepers," said I, as I turned away and resumed my +work. My work finished, I took a little oil, leather, and sand, and +polished the pin as well as I could; then, summoning Belle, we both went +to the chaise, where, with her assistance, I put on the wheel. The linch- +pin which I had made fitted its place very well, and having replaced the +other, I gazed at the chaise for some time with my heart full of that +satisfaction which results from the consciousness of having achieved a +great action; then, after looking at Belle in the hope of obtaining a +compliment from her lips, which did not come, I returned to the dingle, +without saying a word, followed by her. Belle set about making +preparations for breakfast; and I, taking the kettle, went and filled it +at the spring. Having hung it over the fire, I went to the tent in which +the postillion was still sleeping, and called upon him to arise. He +awoke with a start, and stared around him at first with the utmost +surprise, not unmixed, I could observe, with a certain degree of fear. At +last, looking in my face, he appeared to recollect himself. "I had quite +forgot," said he, as he got up, "where I was, and all that happened +yesterday. However, I remember now the whole affair, thunder-storm, +thunder-bolt, frightened horses, and all your kindness. Come, I must see +after my coach and horses; I hope we shall be able to repair the damage." +"The damage is already quite repaired," said I, "as you will see, if you +come to the field above." "You don't say so," said the postillion, +coming out of the tent; "well, I am mightily beholden to you. Good +morning, young gentlewoman," said he, addressing Belle, who, having +finished her preparations, was seated near the fire. "Good morning, +young man," said Belle: "I suppose you would be glad of some breakfast; +however, you must wait a little, the kettle does not boil." "Come and +look at your chaise," said I; "but tell me how it happened that the noise +which I have been making did not awake you; for three-quarters of an hour +at least I was hammering close at your ear." "I heard you all the time," +said the postillion, "but your hammering made me sleep all the sounder; I +am used to hear hammering in my morning sleep. There's a forge close by +the room where I sleep when I'm at home, at my inn; for we have all kinds +of conveniences at my inn--forge, carpenter's shop, and wheelwright's,--so +that when I heard you hammering, I thought, no doubt, that it was the old +noise, and that I was comfortable in my bed at my own inn." We now +ascended to the field, where I showed the postillion his chaise. He +looked at the pin attentively, rubbed his hands, and gave a loud laugh. +"Is it not well done?" said I. "It will do till I get home," he replied. +"And that is all you have to say?" I demanded. "And that's a good deal," +said he, "considering who made it." "But don't be offended," he added, +"I shall prize it all the more for its being made by a gentleman, and no +blacksmith; and so will my governor, when I show it to him. I shan't let +it remain where it is, but will keep it as a remembrance of you, as long +as I live." He then again rubbed his hands with great glee, and said, "I +will now go and see after my horses, and then to breakfast, partner, if +you please." Suddenly, however, looking at his hands, he said, "Before +sitting down to breakfast, I am in the habit of washing my hands and +face: I suppose you could not furnish me with a little soap and water." +"As much water as you please," said I, "but if you want soap, I must go +and trouble the young gentlewoman for some." "By no means," said the +postillion, "water will do at a pinch." "Follow me," said I; and leading +him to the pond of the frogs and newts, I said, "This is my ewer; you are +welcome to part of it--the water is so soft that it is scarcely necessary +to add soap to it;" then lying down on the bank, I plunged my head into +the water, then scrubbed my hands and face, and afterwards wiped them +with some long grass which grew on the margin of the pond. "Bravo," said +the postillion, "I see you know how to make a shift;" he then followed my +example, declared he never felt more refreshed in his life, and, giving a +bound, said "he would go and look after his horses." + +We then went to look after the horses, which we found not much the worse +for having spent the night in the open air. My companion again inserted +their heads in the corn-bags, and, leaving the animals to discuss their +corn, returned with me to the dingle, where we found the kettle boiling. +We sat down, and Belle made tea and did the honours of the meal. The +postillion was in high spirits, ate heartily, and, to Belle's evident +satisfaction, declared that he had never drank better tea in his life, or +indeed any half so good. Breakfast over, he said that he must now go and +harness his horses, as it was high time for him to return to his inn. +Belle gave him her hand and wished him farewell: the postillion shook her +hand warmly, and was advancing close up to her--for what purpose I cannot +say--whereupon Belle, withdrawing her hand, drew herself up with an air +which caused the postillion to retreat a step or two with an exceedingly +sheepish look. Recovering himself, however, he made a low bow, and +proceeded up the path. I attended him, and helped to harness his horses +and put them to the vehicle; he then shook me by the hand, and taking the +reins and whip mounted to his seat; ere he drove away he thus addressed +me: "If ever I forget your kindness and that of the young woman below, +dash my buttons. If ever either of you should enter my inn you may +depend upon a warm welcome, the best that can be set before you, and no +expense to either, for I will give both of you the best of characters to +the governor, who is the very best fellow upon all the road. As for your +linch-pin, I trust it will serve till I get home, when I will take it out +and keep it in remembrance of you all the days of my life:" then giving +the horses a jerk with his reins, he cracked his whip and drove off. + +I returned to the dingle, Belle had removed the breakfast things, and was +busy in her own encampment: nothing occurred, worthy of being related, +for two hours, at the end of which time Belle departed on a short +expedition, and I again found myself alone in the dingle. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + +THE MAN IN BLACK--THE EMPEROR OF GERMANY--NEPOTISM--DONNA +OLYMPIA--OMNIPOTENCE--CAMILLO ASTALLI--THE FIVE PROPOSITIONS. + +In the evening I received another visit from the man in black. I had +been taking a stroll in the neighbourhood, and was sitting in the dingle +in rather a listless manner, scarcely knowing how to employ myself; his +coming, therefore, was by no means disagreeable to me. I produced the +hollands and glass from my tent, where Isopel Berners had requested me to +deposit them, and also some lump sugar, then taking the gotch I fetched +water from the spring, and, sitting down, begged the man in black to help +himself; he was not slow in complying with my desire, and prepared for +himself a glass of Hollands and water with a lump of sugar in it. After +he had taken two or three sips with evident satisfaction, I, remembering +his chuckling exclamation of "Go to Rome for money," when he last left +the dingle, took the liberty, after a little conversation, of reminding +him of it, whereupon, with a he! he! he! he replied, "Your idea was not +quite so original as I supposed. After leaving you the other night I +remembered having read of an emperor of Germany who conceived the idea of +applying to Rome for money, and actually put it into practice. + +"Urban the Eighth then occupied the papal chair, of the family of the +Barbarini, nicknamed the Mosche, or Flies, from the circumstance of bees +being their armorial bearing. The Emperor having exhausted all his money +in endeavouring to defend the church against Gustavus Adolphus, the great +King of Sweden, who was bent on its destruction, applied in his necessity +to the Pope for a loan of money. The Pope, however, and his relations, +whose cellars were at that time full of the money of the church, which +they had been plundering for years, refused to lend him a scudo; +whereupon a pasquinade picture was stuck up at Rome, representing the +church lying on a bed, gashed with dreadful wounds, and beset all over +with flies, which were sucking her, whilst the Emperor of Germany was +kneeling before her with a miserable face, requesting a little money +towards carrying on the war against the heretics, to which the poor +church was made to say: 'How can I assist you, O my champion, do you not +see that the flies have sucked me to the very bones?' Which story," said +he, "shows that the idea of going to Rome for money was not quite so +original as I imagined the other night, though utterly preposterous. + +"This affair," said he, "occurred in what were called the days of +nepotism. Certain popes, who wished to make themselves in some degree +independent of the cardinals, surrounded themselves with their nephews, +and the rest of their family, who sucked the church and Christendom as +much as they could, none doing so more effectually than the relations of +Urban the Eighth, at whose death, according to the book called the +'Nipotismo di Roma,' there were in the Barbarini family two hundred and +twenty-seven governments, abbeys, and high dignities; and so much hard +cash in their possession that threescore and ten mules were scarcely +sufficient to convey the plunder of one of them to Palestrina." He +added, however, that it was probable that Christendom fared better whilst +the popes were thus independent, as it was less sucked, whereas before +and after that period, it was sucked by hundreds instead of tens, by the +cardinals and all their relations, instead of by the pope and his nephews +only. + +Then, after drinking rather copiously of his hollands, he said that it +was certainly no bad idea of the popes to surround themselves with +nephews, on whom they bestowed great church dignities, as by so doing +they were tolerably safe from poison, whereas a pope, if abandoned to the +cardinals, might at any time be made away with by them, provided they +thought that he lived too long, or that he seemed disposed to do anything +which they disliked; adding, that Ganganelli would never have been +poisoned provided he had had nephews about him to take care of his life, +and to see that nothing unholy was put into his food, or a bustling +stirring brother's wife like Donna Olympia. He then with a he! he! he! +asked me if I had ever read the book called the "Nipotismo di Roma;" and +on my replying in the negative, he told me that it was a very curious and +entertaining book, which he occasionally looked at in an idle hour, and +proceeded to relate to me anecdotes out of the "Nipotismo di Roma" about +the successor of Urban, Innocent the Tenth, and Donna Olympia, showing +how fond he was of her, and how she cooked his food, and kept the +cardinals away from it, and how she and her creatures plundered +Christendom, with the sanction of the Pope, until Christendom, becoming +enraged, insisted that he should put her away, which he did for a time, +putting a nephew--one Camillo Astalli--in her place, in which, however, +he did not continue long; for the Pope conceiving a pique against him, +banished him from his sight, and recalled Donna Olympia, who took care of +his food, and plundered Christendom until Pope Innocent died. + +I said that I only wondered that between pope and cardinals the whole +system of Rome had not long fallen to the ground, and was told in reply, +that its not having fallen was the strongest proof of its vital power, +and the absolute necessity for the existence of the system. That the +system, notwithstanding its occasional disorders, went on. Popes and +cardinals might prey upon its bowels, and sell its interests, but the +system survived. The cutting off of this or that member was not able to +cause Rome any vital loss; for, as soon as she lost a member, the loss +was supplied by her own inherent vitality; though her popes had been +poisoned by cardinals, and her cardinals by popes; and though priests +occasionally poisoned popes, cardinals, and each other, after all that +had been, and might be, she had still, and would ever have, her priests, +cardinals, and pope. + +Finding the man in black so communicative and reasonable, I determined to +make the best of my opportunity, and learn from him all I could with +respect to the papal system, and told him that he would particularly +oblige me by telling me who the Pope of Rome was; and received for +answer, that he was an old man elected by a majority of cardinals to the +papal chair; who, immediately after his election, became omnipotent and +equal to God on earth. On my begging him not to talk such nonsense, and +asking him how a person could be omnipotent who could not always preserve +himself from poison, even when fenced round by nephews, or protected by a +bustling woman, he, after taking a long sip of hollands and water, told +me that I must not expect too much from omnipotence; for example, that as +it would be unreasonable to expect that One above could annihilate the +past--for instance, the Seven Years' War, or the French Revolution--though +any one who believed in Him would acknowledge Him to be omnipotent, so +would it be unreasonable for the faithful to expect that the Pope could +always guard himself from poison. Then, after looking at me for a moment +steadfastly, and taking another sip, he told me that popes had frequently +done impossibilities; for example, Innocent the Tenth had created a +nephew: for, not liking particularly any of his real nephews, he had +created the said Camillo Astalli his nephew; asking me, with a he! he! +"What but omnipotence could make a young man nephew to a person to whom +he was not in the slightest degree related?" On my observing that of +course no one believed that the young fellow was really the pope's +nephew, though the pope might have adopted him as such, the man in black +replied, "that the reality of the nephewship of Camillo Astalli had +hitherto never become a point of faith; let, however, the present pope, +or any other pope, proclaim that it is necessary to believe in the +reality of the nephewship of Camillo Astalli, and see whether the +faithful would not believe in it. Who can doubt that," he added, "seeing +that they believe in the reality of the five propositions of Jansenius? +The Jesuits, wishing to ruin the Jansenists, induced a pope to declare +that such and such damnable opinions, which they called five +propositions, were to be found in a book written by Jansen, though in +reality no such propositions were to be found there; whereupon the +existence of these propositions became forthwith a point of faith to the +faithful. Do you then think," he demanded, "that there is one of the +faithful who would not swallow, if called upon, the nephewship of Camillo +Astalli as easily as the five propositions of Jansenius?" "Surely, +then," said I, "the faithful must be a pretty pack of simpletons!" +Whereupon the man in black exclaimed, "What! a Protestant, and an +infringer of the rights of faith! Here's a fellow, who would feel +himself insulted if any one were to ask him how he could believe in the +miraculous conception, calling people simpletons who swallow the five +propositions of Jansenius, and are disposed, if called upon, to swallow +the reality of the nephewship of Camillo Astalli." + +I was about to speak, when I was interrupted by the arrival of Belle. +After unharnessing her donkey, and adjusting her person a little, she +came and sat down by us. In the meantime I had helped my companion to +some more hollands and water, and had plunged with him into yet deeper +discourse. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + +NECESSITY OF RELIGION--THE GREAT INDIAN ONE--IMAGE-WORSHIP--SHAKESPEAR--THE +PAT ANSWER--KRISHNA--AMEN. + +Having told the man in black that I should like to know all the truth +with regard to the Pope and his system, he assured me he should be +delighted to give me all the information in his power; that he had come +to the dingle, not so much for the sake of the good cheer which I was in +the habit of giving him, as in the hope of inducing me to enlist under +the banners of Rome, and to fight in her cause; and that he had no doubt +that, by speaking out frankly to me, he ran the best chance of winning me +over. + +He then proceeded to tell me that the experience of countless ages had +proved the necessity of religion; the necessity, he would admit, was only +for simpletons; but as nine-tenths of the dwellers upon this earth were +simpletons, it would never do for sensible people to run counter to their +folly, but, on the contrary, it was their wisest course to encourage them +in it, always provided that, by so doing, sensible people could derive +advantage; that the truly sensible people of this world were the priests, +who, without caring a straw for religion for its own sake, made use of it +as a cord by which to draw the simpletons after them; that there were +many religions in this world, all of which had been turned to excellent +account by the priesthood; but that the one the best adapted for the +purposes of priestcraft was the popish, which, he said, was the oldest in +the world and the best calculated to endure. On my inquiring what he +meant by saying the popish religion was the oldest in the world, whereas +there could be no doubt that the Greek and Roman religion had existed +long before it, to say nothing of the old Indian religion still in +existence and vigour; he said, with a nod, after taking a sip at his +glass, that, between me and him, the popish religion, that of Greece and +Rome, and the old Indian system were, in reality, one and the same. + +"You told me that you intended to be frank," said I; "but, however frank +you may be, I think you are rather wild." + +"We priests of Rome," said the man in black, "even those amongst us who +do not go much abroad, know a great deal about church matters, of which +you heretics have very little idea. Those of our brethren of the +Propaganda, on their return home from distant missions, not unfrequently +tell us very strange things relating to our dear mother; for example, our +first missionaries to the East were not slow in discovering and telling +to their brethren that our religion and the great Indian one were +identical, no more difference between them than between Ram and Rome. +Priests, convents, beads, prayers, processions, fastings, penances, all +the same, not forgetting anchorites and vermin, he! he! The pope they +found under the title of the grand lama, a sucking child surrounded by an +immense number of priests. Our good brethren, some two hundred years +ago, had a hearty laugh, which their successors have often re-echoed; +they said that helpless suckling and its priests put them so much in mind +of their own old man, surrounded by his cardinals, he! he! Old age is +second childhood." + +"Did they find Christ?" said I. + +"They found him too," said the man in black, "that is, they saw his +image; he is considered in India as a pure kind of being, and on that +account, perhaps, is kept there rather in the background, even as he is +here." + +"All this is very mysterious to me," said I. + +"Very likely," said the man in black; "but of this I am tolerably sure, +and so are most of those of Rome, that modern Rome had its religion from +ancient Rome, which had its religion from the East." + +"But how?" I demanded. + +"It was brought about, I believe, by the wanderings of nations," said the +man in black. "A brother of the Propaganda, a very learned man, once +told me--I do not mean Mezzofanti, who has not five ideas--this brother +once told me that all we of the Old World, from Calcutta to Dublin, are +of the same stock, and were originally of the same language, and--" + +"All of one religion," I put in. + +"All of one religion," said the man in black; "and now follow different +modifications of the same religion." + +"We Christians are not image-worshippers," said I. + +"You heretics are not, you mean," said the man in black; "but you will be +put down, just as you have always been, though others may rise up after +you; the true religion is image-worship; people may strive against it, +but they will only work themselves to an oil; how did it fare with that +Greek Emperor, the Iconoclast, what was his name, Leon the Isaurian? Did +not his image-breaking cost him Italy, the fairest province of his +empire, and did not ten fresh images start up at home for every one which +he demolished? Oh! you little know the craving which the soul sometimes +feels after a good bodily image." + +"I have indeed no conception of it," said I; "I have an abhorrence of +idolatry--the idea of bowing before a graven figure." + +"The idea, indeed," said Belle, who had now joined us. + +"Did you never bow before that of Shakespear?" said the man in black, +addressing himself to me, after a low bow to Belle. + +"I don't remember that I ever did," said I, "but even suppose I did?" + +"Suppose you did," said the man in black; "shame on you, Mr. Hater of +Idolatry; why, the very supposition brings you to the ground; you must +make figures of Shakespear, must you? then why not of St. Antonio, or +Ignacio, or of a greater personage still? I know what you are going to +say," he cried, interrupting me as I was about to speak. "You don't make +his image in order to pay it divine honours, but only to look at it, and +think of Shakespear; but this looking at a thing in order to think of a +person is the very basis of idolatry. Shakespear's works are not +sufficient for you; no more are the Bible or the legend of Saint Anthony +or Saint Ignacio for us that is for those of us, who believe in them; I +tell you, Zingaro, that no religion can exist long which rejects a good +bodily image." + +"Do you think," said I, "that Shakespear's works would not exist without +his image?" + +"I believe," said the man in black, "that Shakespear's image is looked at +more than his works, and will be looked at, and perhaps adored, when they +are forgotten. I am surprised that they have not been forgotten long +ago; I am no admirer of them." + +"But I can't imagine," said I, "how you will put aside the authority of +Moses. If Moses strove against image-worship, should not his doing so be +conclusive as to the impropriety of the practice; what higher authority +can you have than that of Moses?" + +"The practice of the great majority of the human race," said the man in +black, "and the recurrence to image-worship, where image-worship has been +abolished. Do you know that Moses is considered by the church as no +better than a heretic, and though, for particular reasons, it has been +obliged to adopt his writings, the adoption was merely a sham one, as it +never paid the slightest attention to them? No, no, the church was never +led by Moses, nor by one mightier than he, whose doctrine it has equally +nullified--I allude to Krishna in his second avatar; the church, it is +true, governs in his name, but not unfrequently gives him the lie, if he +happens to have said anything which it dislikes. Did you never hear the +reply which Padre Paolo Segani made to the French Protestant Jean +Anthoine Guerin, who had asked him whether it was easier for Christ to +have been mistaken in his Gospel, than for the Pope to be mistaken in his +decrees?" + +"I never heard their names before," said I. + +"The answer was pat," said the man in black, "though he who made it was +confessedly the most ignorant fellow of the very ignorant order to which +he belonged, the Augustine. 'Christ might err as a man,' said he, 'but +the Pope can never err, being God.' The whole story is related in the +Nipotismo." + +"I wonder you should ever have troubled yourselves with Christ at all," +said I. + +"What was to be done?" said the man in black; "the power of that name +suddenly came over Europe, like the power of a mighty wind; it was said +to have come from Judaea, and from Judaea it probably came when it first +began to agitate minds in these parts; but it seems to have been known in +the remote East, more or less, for thousands of years previously. It +filled people's minds with madness; it was followed by books which were +never much regarded, as they contained little of insanity; but the name! +what fury that breathed into people! the books were about peace and +gentleness, but the name was the most horrible of war-cries--those who +wished to uphold old names at first strove to oppose it, but their +efforts were feeble, and they had no good war-cry; what was Mars as a war- +cry compared with the name of . . .? It was said that they persecuted +terribly, but who said so? The Christians. The Christians could have +given them a lesson in the art of persecution, and eventually did so. +None but Christians have ever been good persecutors; well, the old +religion succumbed, Christianity prevailed, for the ferocious is sure to +prevail over the gentle." + +"I thought," said I, "you stated a little time ago that the Popish +religion and the ancient Roman are the same?" + +"In every point but that name, that Krishna and the fury and love of +persecution which it inspired," said the man in black. "A hot blast came +from the East, sounding Krishna; it absolutely maddened people's minds, +and the people would call themselves his children; we will not belong to +Jupiter any longer, we will belong to Krishna; and they did belong to +Krishna, that is in name, but in nothing else; for who ever cared for +Krishna in the Christian world, or who ever regarded the words attributed +to Him, or put them in practice?" + +"Why, we Protestants regard his words, and endeavour to practise what +they enjoin as much as possible." + +"But you reject his image," said the man in black; "better reject his +words than his image: no religion can exist long which rejects a good +bodily image. Why, the very negro barbarians of High Barbary could give +you a lesson on that point; they have their fetish images, to which they +look for help in their afflictions; they have likewise a high priest, +whom they call . . ." + +"Mumbo Jumbo," said I; "I know all about him already." + +"How came you to know anything about him?" said the man in black, with a +look of some surprise. + +"Some of us poor Protestant tinkers," said I, "though we live in dingles, +are also acquainted with a thing or two." + +"I really believe you are," said the man in black, staring at me; "but, +in connection with this Mumbo Jumbo, I could relate to you a comical +story about a fellow, an English servant, I once met at Rome." + +"It would be quite unnecessary," said I; "I would much sooner hear you +talk about Krishna, his words and image." + +"Spoken like a true heretic," said the man in black; "one of the faithful +would have placed his image before his words; for what are all the words +in the world compared with a good bodily image?" + +"I believe you occasionally quote his words?" said I. + +"He! he!" said the man in black; "occasionally." + +"For example," said I, "upon this rock I will found my church." + +"He! he!" said the man in black; "you must really become one of us." + +"Yet you must have had some difficulty in getting the rock to Rome?" + +"None whatever," said the man in black; "faith can remove mountains, to +say nothing of rocks--ho! ho!" + +"But I cannot imagine," said I, "what advantage you could derive from +perverting those words of Scripture in which the Saviour talks about +eating his body." + +"I do not know, indeed, why we troubled our heads about the matter at +all," said the man in black; "but when you talk about perverting the +meaning of the text, you speak ignorantly, Mr. Tinker; when he whom you +call the Saviour gave his followers the sop, and bade them eat it, +telling them it was his body, he delicately alluded to what it was +incumbent upon them to do after his death, namely, to eat his body." + +"You do not mean to say that he intended they should actually eat his +body?" + +"Then you suppose ignorantly," said the man in black; "eating the bodies +of the dead was a heathenish custom, practised by the heirs and legatees +of people who left property; and this custom is alluded to in the text." + +"But what has the New Testament to do with heathen customs," said I, +"except to destroy them?" + +"More than you suppose," said the man in black. "We priests of Rome, who +have long lived at Rome, know much better what the New Testament is made +of than the heretics and their theologians, not forgetting their Tinkers; +though I confess some of the latter have occasionally surprised us--for +example, Bunyan. The New Testament is crowded with allusions to heathen +customs, and with words connected with pagan sorcery. Now, with respect +to words, I would fain have you, who pretend to be a philologist, tell me +the meaning of Amen?" + +I made no answer. + +"We, of Rome," said the man in black, "know two or three things of which +the heretics are quite ignorant; for example, there are those amongst +us--those, too, who do not pretend to be philologists--who know what amen +is, and, moreover, how we got it. We got it from our ancestors, the +priests of ancient Rome; and they got the word from their ancestors of +the East, the priests of Buddh and Brahma." + +"And what is the meaning of the word?" I demanded. + +"Amen," said the man in black, "is a modification of the old Hindoo +formula, Omani batsikhom, by the almost ceaseless repetition of which the +Indians hope to be received finally to the rest or state of forgetfulness +of Buddh or Brahma; a foolish practice you will say, but are you heretics +much wiser, who are continually sticking amen to the end of your prayers +little knowing when you do so, that you are consigning yourselves to the +repose of Buddh? Oh, what hearty laughs our missionaries have had when +comparing the eternally sounding Eastern gibberish of Omani batsikhom, +Omani batsikhom, and the Ave Maria and Amen Jesus of our own idiotical +devotees." + +"I have nothing to say about the Ave Marias and Amens of your +superstitious devotees," said I; "I dare say that they use them +nonsensically enough, but in putting Amen to the end of a prayer, we +merely intend to express, 'So let it be.'" + +"It means nothing of the kind," said the man in black; "and the Hindoos +might just as well put your national oath at the end of their prayers, as +perhaps they will after a great many thousand years, when English is +forgotten, and only a few words of it remembered by dim tradition without +being understood. How strange if, after the lapse of four thousand +years, the Hindoos should damn themselves to the blindness so dear to +their present masters, even as their masters at present consign +themselves to the forgetfulness so dear to the Hindoos; but my glass has +been empty for a considerable time; perhaps Bellissima Biondina," said +he, addressing Belle, "you will deign to replenish it?" + +"I shall do no such thing," said Belle; "you have drank quite enough, and +talked more than enough, and to tell you the truth I wish you would leave +us alone." + +"Shame on you, Belle," said I, "consider the obligations of hospitality." + +"I am sick of that word," said Belle, "you are so frequently misusing it; +were this place not Mumpers' Dingle, and consequently as free to the +fellow as ourselves, I would lead him out of it." + +"Pray be quiet, Belle," said I. "You had better help yourself," said I, +addressing myself to the man in black, "the lady is angry with you." + +"I am sorry for it," said the man in black; "if she is angry with me, I +am not so with her, and shall always be proud to wait upon her; in the +meantime I will wait upon myself." + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + +THE PROPOSAL--THE SCOTCH NOVEL--LATITUDE--MIRACLES--PESTILENT +HERETICS--OLD FRASER--WONDERFUL TEXTS--NO ARMENIAN. + +The man in black having helped himself to some more of his favourite +beverage, and tasted it, I thus addressed him: "The evening is getting +rather advanced, and I can see that this lady," pointing to Belle, "is +anxious for her tea, which she prefers to take cosily and comfortably +with me in the dingle. The place, it is true, is as free to you as to +ourselves, nevertheless, as we are located here by necessity, whilst you +merely come as a visitor, I must take the liberty of telling you that we +shall be glad to be alone, as soon as you have said what you have to say, +and have finished the glass of refreshment at present in your hand. I +think you said some time ago that one of your motives for coming hither +was to induce me to enlist under the banner of Rome. I wish to know +whether that was really the case?" + +"Decidedly so," said the man in black; "I come here principally in the +hope of enlisting you in our regiment, in which I have no doubt you could +do us excellent service." + +"Would you enlist my companion as well?" I demanded. + +"We should be only too proud to have her among us, whether she comes with +you or alone," said the man in black, with a polite bow to Belle. + +"Before we give you an answer," I replied, "I would fain know more about +you; perhaps you will declare your name?" + +"That I will never do," said the man in black; "no one in England knows +it but myself, and I will not declare it, even in a dingle; as for the +rest, _Sono un Prete Cattolico Appostolico_--that is all that many a one +of us can say for himself, and it assuredly means a great deal." + +"We will now proceed to business," said I. "You must be aware that we +English are generally considered a self-interested people." + +"And with considerable justice," said the man in black, drinking. "Well, +you are a person of acute perception, and I will presently make it +evident to you that it would be to your interest to join with us. You +are at present, evidently, in very needy circumstances, and are lost, not +only to yourself, but the world; but should you enlist with us, I could +find you an occupation not only agreeable, but one in which your talents +would have free scope. I would introduce you in the various grand houses +here in England, to which I have myself admission, as a surprising young +gentleman of infinite learning, who by dint of study has discovered that +the Roman is the only true faith. I tell you confidently that our popish +females would make a saint, nay, a God of you; they are fools enough for +anything. There is one person in particular with whom I should wish to +make you acquainted, in the hope that you would be able to help me to +perform good service to the holy see. He is a gouty old fellow, of some +learning, residing in an old hall, near the great western seaport, and is +one of the very few amongst the English Catholics possessing a grain of +sense. I think you could help us to govern him, for he is not +unfrequently disposed to be restive, asks us strange +questions--occasionally threatens us with his crutch; and behaves so that +we are often afraid that we shall lose him, or, rather, his property, +which he has bequeathed to us, and which is enormous. I am sure that you +could help us to deal with him; sometimes with your humour, sometimes +with your learning, and perhaps occasionally with your fists." + +"And in what manner would you provide for my companion?" said I. + +"We would place her at once," said the man in black, "in the house of two +highly respectable Catholic ladies in this neighbourhood, where she would +be treated with every care and consideration till her conversion should +be accomplished in a regular manner; we would then remove her to a female +monastic establishment, where, after undergoing a year's probation, +during which time she would be instructed in every elegant +accomplishment, she should take the veil. Her advancement would speedily +follow, for, with such a face and figure, she would make a capital lady +abbess, especially in Italy, to which country she would probably be sent; +ladies of her hair and complexion--to say nothing of her height--being a +curiosity in the south. With a little care and management she could soon +obtain a vast reputation for sanctity; and who knows but after her death +she might become a glorified saint--he! he! Sister Maria Theresa, for +that is the name I propose you should bear. Holy Mother Maria +Theresa--glorified and celestial saint, I have the honour of drinking to +your health," and the man in black drank. + +"Well, Belle," said I, "what have you to say to the gentleman's +proposal?" + +"That if he goes on in this way I will break his glass against his +mouth." + +"You have heard the lady's answer," said I. + +"I have," said the man in black, "and shall not press the matter. I +can't help, however, repeating that she would make a capital lady abbess; +she would keep the nuns in order, I warrant her; no easy matter! Break +the glass against my mouth--he! he! How she would send the holy utensils +flying at the nuns' heads occasionally, and just the person to wring the +nose of Satan should he venture to appear one night in her cell in the +shape of a handsome black man. No offence, madam, no offence, pray +retain your seat," said he, observing that Belle had started up; "I mean +no offence. Well, if you will not consent to be an abbess, perhaps you +will consent to follow this young Zingaro, and to co-operate with him and +us. I am a priest, madam, and can join you both in an instant, _connubio +stabili_, as I suppose the knot has not been tied already." + +"Hold your mumping gibberish," said Belle, "and leave the dingle this +moment, for though 'tis free to every one, you have no right to insult me +in it." + +"Pray be pacified," said I to Belle, getting up, and placing myself +between her and the man in black, "he will presently leave, take my word +for it--there, sit down again," said I, as I led her to her seat; then, +resuming my own, I said to the man in black: "I advise you to leave the +dingle as soon as possible." + +"I should wish to have your answer to my proposal first," said he. + +"Well, then, here you shall have it: I will not entertain your proposal; +I detest your schemes: they are both wicked and foolish." + +"Wicked," said the man in black, "have they not--he! he!--the furtherance +of religion in view?" + +"A religion," said I, "in which you yourself do not believe, and which +you contemn." + +"Whether I believe in it or not," said the man in black, "it is adapted +for the generality of the human race; so I will forward it, and advise +you to do the same. It was nearly extirpated in these regions, but it is +springing up again, owing to circumstances. Radicalism is a good friend +to us; all the liberals laud up our system out of hatred to the +Established Church, though our system is ten times less liberal than the +Church of England. Some of them have really come over to us. I myself +confess a baronet who presided over the first radical meeting ever held +in England--he was an atheist when he came over to us, in the hope of +mortifying his own church--but he is now--ho! ho!--a real Catholic +devotee--quite afraid of my threats; I make him frequently scourge +himself before me. Well, Radicalism does us good service, especially +amongst the lower classes, for Radicalism chiefly flourishes amongst +them; for though a baronet or two may be found amongst the radicals, and +perhaps as many lords--fellows who have been discarded by their own order +for clownishness, or something they have done--it incontestably +flourishes best among the lower orders. Then the love of what is foreign +is a great friend to us; this love is chiefly confined to the middle and +upper classes. Some admire the French, and imitate them; others must +needs be Spaniards, dress themselves up in a zamarra, stick a cigar in +their mouths, and say, 'Carajo.' Others would pass for Germans; he! he! +the idea of any one wishing to pass for a German! but what has done us +more service than anything else in these regions--I mean amidst the +middle classes--has been the novel, the Scotch novel. The good folks, +since they have read the novels, have become Jacobites; and, because all +the Jacobs were Papists, the good folks must become Papists also, or, at +least, papistically inclined. The very Scotch Presbyterians, since they +have read the novels, are become all but Papists; I speak advisedly, +having lately been amongst them. There's a trumpery bit of a half papist +sect, called the Scotch Episcopalian Church, which lay dormant and nearly +forgotten for upwards of a hundred years, which has of late got +wonderfully into fashion in Scotland, because, forsooth, some of the long- +haired gentry of the novels were said to belong to it, such as Montrose +and Dundee; and to this the Presbyterians are going over in throngs, +traducing and vilifying their own forefathers, or denying them +altogether, and calling themselves descendants of--ho! ho! ho!--Scottish +Cavaliers!!! I have heard them myself repeating snatches of Jacobite +ditties about 'Bonnie Dundee,' and-- + + "'Come, fill up my cup, and fill up my can, + And saddle my horse, and call up my man.' + +There's stuff for you! Not that I object to the first part of the ditty. +It is natural enough that a Scotchman should cry, 'Come, fill up my cup!' +more especially if he's drinking at another person's expense--all +Scotchmen being fond of liquor at free cost: but 'Saddle his +horse!!!'--for what purpose I would ask? Where is the use of saddling a +horse, unless you can ride him? and where was there ever a Scotchman who +could ride?" + +"Of course you have not a drop of Scotch blood in your veins," said I, +"otherwise you would never have uttered that last sentence." + +"Don't be too sure of that," said the man in black; "you know little of +Popery if you imagine that it cannot extinguish love of country, even in +a Scotchman. A thorough-going Papist--and who more thorough-going than +myself--cares nothing for his country; and why should he? he belongs to a +system, and not to a country." + +"One thing," said I, "connected with you, I cannot understand; you call +yourself a thorough-going Papist, yet are continually saying the most +pungent things against Popery, and turning to unbounded ridicule those +who show any inclination to embrace it." + +"Rome is a very sensible old body," said the man in black, "and little +cares what her children say, provided they do her bidding. She knows +several things, and amongst others, that no servants work so hard and +faithfully as those who curse their masters at every stroke they do. She +was not fool enough to be angry with the Miquelets of Alba, who renounced +her, and called her 'puta' all the time they were cutting the throats of +the Netherlanders. Now, if she allowed her faithful soldiers the +latitude of renouncing her, and calling her 'puta' in the market-place, +think not she is so unreasonable as to object to her faithful priests +occasionally calling her 'puta' in the dingle." + +"But," said I, "suppose some one were to tell the world some of the +disorderly things which her priests say in the dingle." + +"He would have the fate of Cassandra," said the man in black; "no one +would believe him--yes, the priests would: but they would make no sign of +belief. They believe in the Alcoran des Cordeliers--that is, those who +have read it; but they make no sign." + +"A pretty system," said I, "which extinguishes love of country and of +everything noble, and brings the minds of its ministers to a parity with +those of devils, who delight in nothing but mischief." + +"The system," said the man in black, "is a grand one, with unbounded +vitality. Compare it with your Protestantism, and you will see the +difference. Popery is ever at work, whilst Protestantism is supine. A +pretty church, indeed, the Protestant! Why, it can't even work a +miracle." + +"Can your church work miracles?" I demanded. + +"That was the very question," said the man in black, "which the ancient +British clergy asked of Austin Monk, after they had been fools enough to +acknowledge their own inability. 'We don't pretend to work miracles; do +you?' 'Oh! dear me, yes,' said Austin; 'we find no difficulty in the +matter. We can raise the dead, we can make the blind see; and to +convince you, I will give sight to the blind. Here is this blind Saxon, +whom you cannot cure, but on whose eyes I will manifest my power, in +order to show the difference between the true and the false church;' and +forthwith, with the assistance of a handkerchief and a little hot water, +he opened the eyes of the barbarian. So we manage matters! A pretty +church, that old British church, which could not work miracles--quite as +helpless as the modern one. The fools! was birdlime so scarce a thing +amongst them?--and were the properties of warm water so unknown to them, +that they could not close a pair of eyes and open them?" + +"It's a pity," said I, "that the British clergy at that interview with +Austin, did not bring forward a blind Welshman, and ask the monk to +operate upon him." + +"Clearly," said the man in black; "that's what they ought to have done; +but they were fools without a single resource." Here he took a sip at +his glass. + +"But they did not believe in the miracle?" said I. + +"And what did their not believing avail them?" said the man in black. +"Austin remained master of the field, and they went away holding their +heads down, and muttering to themselves. What a fine subject for a +painting would be Austin's opening the eyes of the Saxon barbarian, and +the discomfiture of the British clergy! I wonder it has not been +painted!--he! he!" + +"I suppose your church still performs miracles occasionally?" said I. + +"It does," said the man in black. "The Rev. . . . has lately been +performing miracles in Ireland, destroying devils that had got possession +of people; he has been eminently successful. In two instances he not +only destroyed the devils, but the lives of the people possessed--he! he! +Oh! there is so much energy in our system; we are always at work, whilst +Protestantism is supine." + +"You must not imagine," said I, "that all Protestants are supine; some of +them appear to be filled with unbounded zeal. They deal, it is true, not +in lying miracles, but they propagate God's Word. I remember only a few +months ago, having occasion for a Bible, going to an establishment, the +object of which was to send Bibles all over the world. The supporters of +that establishment could have no self-interested views; for I was +supplied by them with a noble-sized Bible at a price so small as to +preclude the idea that it could bring any profit to the vendors." + +The countenance of the man in black slightly fell. "I know the people to +whom you allude," said he; "indeed, unknown to them, I have frequently +been to see them, and observed their ways. I tell you frankly that there +is not a set of people in this kingdom who have caused our church so much +trouble and uneasiness. I should rather say that they alone cause us +any; for as for the rest, what with their drowsiness, their plethora, +their folly, and their vanity, they are doing us anything but mischief. +These fellows are a pestilent set of heretics, whom we would gladly see +burnt; they are, with the most untiring perseverance, and in spite of +divers minatory declarations of the holy father, scattering their books +abroad through all Europe, and have caused many people in Catholic +countries to think that hitherto their priesthood have endeavoured, as +much as possible, to keep them blinded. There is one fellow amongst them +for whom we entertain a particular aversion; a big, burly parson, with +the face of a lion, the voice of a buffalo, and a fist like a +sledge-hammer. The last time I was there, I observed that his eye was +upon me, and I did not like the glance he gave me at all; I observed him +clench his fist, and I took my departure as fast as I conveniently could. +Whether he suspected who I was, I know not; but I did not like his look +at all, and do not intend to go again." + +"Well, then," said I, "you confess that you have redoubtable enemies to +your plans in these regions, and that even amongst the ecclesiastics +there are some widely different from those of the plethoric and Platitude +schools." + +"It is but too true," said the man in black; "and if the rest of your +church were like them we should quickly bid adieu to all hope of +converting these regions, but we are thankful to be able to say that such +folks are not numerous; there are, moreover, causes at work quite +sufficient to undermine even their zeal. Their sons return at the +vacations, from Oxford and Cambridge, puppies, full of the nonsense which +they have imbibed from Platitude professors; and this nonsense they +retail at home, where it fails not to make some impression, whilst the +daughters scream--I beg their pardons--warble about Scotland's Montrose, +and Bonny Dundee, and all the Jacobs; so we have no doubt that their +papas' zeal about the propagation of such a vulgar book as the Bible will +in a very little time be terribly diminished. Old Rome will win, so you +had better join her." + +And the man in black drained the last drop in his glass. + +"Never," said I, "will I become the slave of Rome." + +"She will allow you latitude," said the man in black; "do but serve her, +and she will allow you to call her 'puta' at a decent time and place; her +popes occasionally call her 'puta.' A pope has been known to start from +his bed at midnight and rush out into the corridor, and call out 'puta' +three times in a voice which pierced the Vatican; that pope was . . . " + +"Alexander the Sixth, I dare say," said I; "the greatest monster that +ever existed, though the worthiest head which the popish system ever +had--so his conscience was not always still. I thought it had been +seared with a brand of iron." + +"I did not allude to him, but to a much more modern pope," said the man +in black; "it is true he brought the word, which is Spanish, from Spain, +his native country, to Rome. He was very fond of calling the church by +that name, and other popes have taken it up. She will allow you to call +her by it if you belong to her." + +"I shall call her so," said I, "without belonging to her, or asking her +permission." + +"She will allow you to treat her as such if you belong to her," said the +man in black. "There is a chapel in Rome, where there is a wondrously +fair statue--the son of a cardinal--I mean his nephew--once . . . Well, +she did not cut off his head, but slightly boxed his cheek and bade him +go." + +"I have read all about that in 'Keysler's Travels,'" said I; "do you tell +her that I would not touch her with a pair of tongs, unless to seize her +nose." + +"She is fond of lucre," said the man in black; "but does not grudge a +faithful priest a little private perquisite," and he took out a very +handsome gold repeater. + +"Are you not afraid," said I, "to flash that watch before the eyes of a +poor tinker in a dingle?" + +"Not before the eyes of one like you," said the man in black. + +"It is getting late," said I; "I care not for perquisites." + +"So you will not join us?" said the man in black. + +"You have had my answer," said I. + +"If I belong to Rome," said the man in black, "why should not you?" + +"I may be a poor tinker," said I; "but I may never have undergone what +you have. You remember, perhaps, the fable of the fox who had lost his +tail?" + +The man in black winced, but almost immediately recovering himself, he +said, "Well, we can do without you, we are sure of winning." + +"It is not the part of wise people," said I, "to make sure of the battle +before it is fought: there's the landlord of the public-house, who made +sure that his cocks would win, yet the cocks lost the main, and the +landlord is little better than a bankrupt." + +"People very different from the landlord," said the man in black, "both +in intellect and station, think we shall surely win; there are clever +machinators among us who have no doubt of our success." + +"Well," said I, "I will set the landlord aside, and will adduce one who +was in every point a very different person from the landlord, both in +understanding and station; he was very fond of laying schemes, and, +indeed, many of them turned out successful. His last and darling one, +however, miscarried, notwithstanding that by his calculations he had +persuaded himself that there was no possibility of its failing--the +person that I allude to was old Fraser . . ." + +"Who?" said the man in black, giving a start, and letting his glass fall. + +"Old Fraser, of Lovat," said I, "the prince of all conspirators and +machinators; he made sure of placing the Pretender on the throne of these +realms. 'I can bring into the field so many men,' said he; 'my son-in- +law, Cluny, so many, and likewise my cousin, and my good friend;' then +speaking of those on whom the government reckoned for support, he would +say, 'So-and-so are lukewarm; this person is ruled by his wife, who is +with us; the clergy are anything but hostile to us; and as for the +soldiers and sailors, half are disaffected to King George, and the rest +cowards.' Yet, when things came to a trial, this person whom he had +calculated upon to join the Pretender did not stir from his home, another +joined the hostile ranks, the presumed cowards turned out heroes, and +those whom he thought heroes ran away like lusty fellows at Culloden; in +a word, he found himself utterly mistaken, and in nothing more than +himself; he thought he was a hero, and proved himself nothing more than +an old fox; he got up a hollow tree, didn't he, just like a fox? + + "'L' opere sue non furon leonine, ma di volpe.'" + +The man in black sat silent for a considerable time, and at length +answered, in rather a faltering voice, "I was not prepared for this; you +have frequently surprised me by your knowledge of things which I should +never have expected any person of your appearance to be acquainted with, +but that you should be aware of my name is a circumstance utterly +incomprehensible to me. I had imagined that no person in England was +acquainted with it; indeed, I don't see how any person should be, I have +revealed it to no one, not being particularly proud of it. Yes, I +acknowledge that my name is Fraser, and that I am of the blood of that +family or clan, of which the rector of our college once said that he was +firmly of opinion that every individual member was either rogue or fool. +I was born at Madrid, of pure, _oime_, Fraser blood. My parents at an +early age took me to ---, where they shortly died, not, however, before +they had placed me in the service of a cardinal with whom I continued +some years, and who, when he had no further occasion for me, sent me to +the college, in the left-hand cloister of which, as you enter, rest the +bones of Sir John D. . .; there, in studying logic and humane letters, I +lost whatever of humanity I had retained when discarded by the cardinal. +Let me not, however, forget two points--I am a Fraser, it is true, but +not a Flannagan; I may bear the vilest name of Britain, but not of +Ireland; I was bred up at the English house, and there is at --- a house +for the education of bog-trotters; I was not bred up at that; beneath the +lowest gulf, there is one yet lower; whatever my blood may be, it is at +least not Irish; whatever my education may have been, I was not bred at +the Irish seminary--on those accounts I am thankful--yes, _per dio_! I +am thankful. After some years at college--but why should I tell you my +history, you know it already perfectly well, probably much better than +myself. I am now a missionary priest labouring in heretic England, like +Parsons and Garnet of old, save and except that, unlike them, I run no +danger, for the times are changed. As I told you before, I shall cleave +to Rome--I must; _no hay remedio_, as they say at Madrid, and I will do +my best to further her holy plans--he! he!--but I confess I begin to +doubt of their being successful here--you put me out; old Fraser, of +Lovat! I have heard my father talk of him; he had a gold-headed cane, +with which he once knocked my grandfather down--he was an astute one, +but, as you say, mistaken, particularly in himself. I have read his life +by Arbuthnot, it is in the library of our college. Farewell! I shall +come no more to this dingle--to come would be of no utility; I shall go +and labour elsewhere, though . . . how you came to know my name is a fact +quite inexplicable--farewell! to you both." + +He then arose; and without further salutation departed from the dingle, +in which I never saw him again. "How, in the name of wonder, came you to +know that man's name?" said Belle, after he had been gone some time. + +"I, Belle? I knew nothing of the fellow's name, I assure you." + +"But you mentioned his name." + +"If I did, it was merely casually, by way of illustration. I was saying +how frequently cunning people were mistaken in their calculations, and I +adduced the case of old Fraser, of Lovat, as one in point; I brought +forward his name, because I was well acquainted with his history, from +having compiled and inserted it in a wonderful work, which I edited some +months ago, entitled 'Newgate Lives and Trials,' but without the +slightest idea that it was the name of him who was sitting with us; he, +however, thought that I was aware of his name. Belle! Belle! for a long +time I doubted in the truth of Scripture, owing to certain conceited +discourses which I had heard from certain conceited individuals, but now +I begin to believe firmly; what wonderful texts there are in Scripture, +Belle! 'The wicked trembleth where--where . . .'" + +"'They were afraid where no fear was; thou hast put them to confusion, +because God hath despised them,'" said Belle; "I have frequently read it +before the clergyman in the great house of Long Melford. But if you did +not know the man's name, why let him go away supposing that you did?" + +"Oh, if he was fool enough to make such a mistake, I was not going to +undeceive him--no, no! Let the enemies of old England make the most of +all their blunders and mistakes, they will have no help from me; but +enough of the fellow, Belle, let us now have tea, and after that . . ." + +"No Armenian," said Belle; "but I want to ask a question: pray are all +people of that man's name either rogues or fools?" + +"It is impossible for me to say, Belle, this person being the only one of +the name I have ever personally known. I suppose there are good and bad, +clever and foolish, amongst them, as amongst all large bodies of people; +however, after the tribe had been governed for upwards of thirty years by +such a person as old Fraser, it were no wonder if the greater part had +become either rogues or fools: he was a ruthless tyrant, Belle, over his +own people, and by his cruelty and rapaciousness must either have stunned +them into an apathy approaching to idiocy, or made them artful knaves in +their own defence. The qualities of parents are generally transmitted to +their descendants--the progeny of trained pointers are almost sure to +point, even without being taught: if, therefore, all Frasers are either +rogues or fools, as this person seems to insinuate, it is little to be +wondered at, their parents or grandparents having been in the training- +school of old Fraser! but enough of the old tyrant and his slaves. Belle, +prepare tea this moment, or dread my anger. I have not a gold-headed +cane like old Fraser of Lovat, but I have, what some people would dread +much more, an Armenian rune-stick." + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + +FRESH ARRIVALS--PITCHING THE TENT--CERTIFICATED WIFE--HIGH-FLYING +NOTIONS. + +On the following morning, as I was about to leave my tent, I heard the +voice of Belle at the door, exclaiming, "Sleepest thou, or wakest thou?" +"I was never more awake in my life," said I, going out. "What is the +matter?" "He of the horse-shoe," said she, "Jasper, of whom I have heard +you talk, is above there on the field with all his people; I went about a +quarter of an hour ago to fill the kettle at the spring, and saw them +arriving." "It is well," said I; "have you any objection to asking him +and his wife to breakfast?" "You can do as you please," said she; "I +have cups enough, and have no objection to their company." "We are the +first occupiers of the ground," said I, "and, being so, should consider +ourselves in the light of hosts, and do our best to practise the duties +of hospitality." "How fond you are of using that word!" said Belle: "if +you wish to invite the man and his wife, do so, without more ado; +remember, however, that I have not cups enough, nor indeed tea enough, +for the whole company." Thereupon hurrying up the ascent, I presently +found myself outside the dingle. It was as usual a brilliant morning, +the dewy blades of the rye grass which covered the plain sparkled +brightly in the beams of the sun, which had probably been about two hours +above the horizon. A rather numerous body of my ancient friends and +allies occupied the ground in the vicinity of the mouth of the dingle. +About five yards on the right I perceived Mr. Petulengro busily employed +in erecting his tent; he held in his hand an iron bar, sharp at the +bottom, with a kind of arm projecting from the top for the purpose of +supporting a kettle or cauldron over the fire, and which is called in the +Romanian language "Kekauviskoe saster." With the sharp end of this Mr. +Petulengro was making holes in the earth at about twenty inches' distance +from each other, into which he inserted certain long rods with a +considerable bend towards the top, which constituted no less than the +timbers of the tent, and the supporters of the canvas. Mrs. Petulengro +and a female with a crutch in her hand, whom I recognised as Mrs. Chikno, +sat near him on the ground, whilst two or three children, from six to ten +years old, who composed the young family of Mr. and Mrs. Petulengro, were +playing about. + +"Here we are, brother," said Mr. Petulengro, as he drove the sharp end of +the bar into the ground; "here we are, and plenty of us--Bute dosta +Romany chals." + +"I am glad to see you all," said I; "and particularly you, madam," said +I, making a bow to Mrs. Petulengro; "and you also, madam," taking off my +hat to Mrs. Chikno. + +"Good day to you, sir," said Mrs. Petulengro; "you look as usual, +charmingly, and speak so, too; you have not forgot your manners." + +"It is not all gold that glitters," said Mrs. Chikno. "However, good- +morrow to you, young rye." + +"I do not see Tawno," said I, looking around; "where is he?" + +"Where, indeed!" said Mrs. Chikno; "I don't know; he who countenances him +in the roving line can best answer." + +"He will be here anon," said Mr. Petulengro; "he has merely ridden down a +by-road to show a farmer a two-year-old colt; she heard me give him +directions, but she can't be satisfied." + +"I can't, indeed," said Mrs. Chikno. + +"And why not, sister?" + +"Because I place no confidence in your words, brother; as I said before, +you countenances him." + +"Well," said I, "I know nothing of your private concerns; I am come on an +errand. Isopel Berners, down in the dell there, requests the pleasure of +Mr. and Mrs. Petulengro's company at breakfast. She will be happy also +to see you, madam," said I, addressing Mrs. Chikno. + +"Is that young female your wife, young man?" said Mrs. Chikno. + +"My wife?" said I. + +"Yes, young man, your wife, your lawful certificated wife." + +"No," said I, "she is not my wife." + +"Then I will not visit with her," said Mrs. Chikno; "I countenance +nothing in the roving line." + +"What do you mean by the roving line?" I demanded. + +"What do I mean by the roving line? Why, by it I mean such conduct as is +not tatcheno. When ryes and rawnies lives together in dingles, without +being certificated, I calls such behaviour being tolerably deep in the +roving line, everything savouring of which I am determined not to +sanctify. I have suffered too much by my own certificated husband's +outbreaks in that line to afford anything of the kind the slightest +shadow of countenance." + +"It is hard that people may not live in dingles together without being +suspected of doing wrong," said I. + +"So it is," said Mrs. Petulengro, interposing; "and, to tell you the +truth, I am altogether surprised at the illiberality of my sister's +remarks. I have often heard say, that is in good company--and I have +kept good company in my time--that suspicion is king's evidence of a +narrow and uncultivated mind; on which account I am suspicious of nobody, +not even of my own husband, whom some people would think I have a right +to be suspicious of, seeing that on his account I once refused a lord; +but ask him whether I am suspicious of him, and whether I seeks to keep +him close tied to my apron-string; he will tell you nothing of the kind; +but that, on the contrary, I always allows him an agreeable latitude, +permitting him to go where he pleases, and to converse with any one to +whose manner of speaking he may take a fancy. But I have had the +advantage of keeping good company, and therefore . . ." + +"Meklis," said Mrs. Chikno, "pray drop all that, sister; I believe I have +kept as good company as yourself; and with respect to that offer with +which you frequently fatigue those who keeps company with you, I believe, +after all, it was something in the roving and uncertificated line." + +"In whatever line it was," said Mrs. Petulengro, "the offer was a good +one. The young duke--for he was not only a lord, but a duke too--offered +to keep me a fine carriage, and to make me his second wife; for it is +true that he had another who was old and stout, though mighty rich, and +highly good natured; so much so, indeed, that the young lord assured me +that she would have no manner of objection to the arrangement; more +especially if I would consent to live in the same house with her, being +fond of young and cheerful society. So you see . . ." + +"Yes, yes," said Mrs. Chikno, "I see, what I before thought, that it was +altogether in the uncertificated line." + +"Meklis," said Mrs. Petulengro, "I use your own word, madam, which is +Romany; for my own part, I am not fond of using Romany words, unless I +can hope to pass them off for French, which I cannot in the present +company. I heartily wish that there was no such language, and do my best +to keep it away from my children, lest the frequent use of it should +altogether confirm them in low and vulgar habits. I have four children, +madam, but . . ." + +"I suppose by talking of your four children you wish to check me for +having none," said Mrs. Chikno, bursting into tears; "if I have no +children, sister, it is no fault of mine, it is--but why do I call you +sister," said she, angrily, "you are no sister of mine, you are a grasni, +a regular mare--a pretty sister, indeed, ashamed of your own language. I +remember well that by your high-flying notions you drove your own mother +. . ." + +"We will drop it," said Mrs. Petulengro; "I do not wish to raise my +voice, and to make myself ridiculous. Young gentleman," said she, "pray +present my compliments to Miss Isopel Berners, and inform her that I am +very sorry that I cannot accept her polite invitation. I am just +arrived, and have some slight domestic matters to see to, amongst others, +to wash my children's faces; but that in the course of the forenoon when +I have attended to what I have to do, and have dressed myself, I hope to +do myself the honour of paying her a regular visit; you will tell her +that with my compliments. With respect to my husband he can answer for +himself, as I, not being of a jealous disposition, never interferes with +his matters." + +"And tell Miss Berners," said Mr. Petulengro, "that I shall be happy to +wait upon her in company with my wife as soon as we are regularly +settled: at present I have much on my hands, having not only to pitch my +own tent, but this here jealous woman's, whose husband is absent on my +business." + +Thereupon I returned to the dingle, and without saying anything about +Mrs. Chikno's observations, communicated to Isopel the messages of Mr. +and Mrs. Petulengro; Isopel made no other reply than by replacing in her +coffer two additional cups and saucers, which, in expectation of company, +she had placed upon the board. The kettle was by this time boiling. We +sat down, and as we breakfasted, I gave Isopel Berners another lesson in +the Armenian language. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + +THE PROMISED VISIT--ROMAN FASHION--WIZARD AND WITCH--CATCHING AT +WORDS--THE TWO FEMALES--DRESSING OF HAIR--THE NEW ROADS--BELLE'S ALTERED +APPEARANCE--HERSELF AGAIN. + +About mid-day Mr. and Mrs. Petulengro came to the dingle to pay the +promised visit. Belle, at the time of their arrival, was in her tent, +but I was at the fireplace, engaged in hammering part of the outer-tire, +or defence, which had come off from one of the wheels of my vehicle. On +perceiving them I forthwith went to receive them. Mr. Petulengro was +dressed in Roman fashion, with a somewhat smartly-cut sporting-coat, the +buttons of which were half-crowns--and a waistcoat, scarlet and black, +the buttons of which were spaded half-guineas; his breeches were of a +stuff half velveteen, half corduroy, the cords exceedingly broad. He had +leggings of buff cloth, furred at the bottom; and upon his feet were +highlows. Under his left arm was a long black whalebone riding-whip, +with a red lash, and an immense silver knob. Upon his head was a hat +with a high peak, somewhat of the kind which the Spaniards call _calane_, +so much in favour with the bravos of Seville and Madrid. Now when I have +added that Mr. Petulengro had on a very fine white holland shirt, I think +I have described his array. Mrs. Petulengro--I beg pardon for not having +spoken of her first--was also arrayed very much in the Roman fashion. Her +hair, which was exceedingly black and lustrous, fell in braids on either +side of her head. In her ears were rings, with long drops of gold. Round +her neck was a string of what seemed very much like very large pearls, +somewhat tarnished, however, and apparently of considerable antiquity. +"Here we are, brother," said Mr. Petulengro, "here we are, come to see +you--wizard and witch, witch and wizard:-- + + "'There's a chovahanee, and a chovahano, + The nav se len is Petulengro.'" + +"Hold your tongue, sir," said Mrs. Petulengro; "you make me ashamed of +you with your vulgar ditties. We are come a-visiting now, and everything +low should be left behind." + +"True," said Mr. Petulengro; "why bring what's low to the dingle, which +is low enough already?" + +"What, are you a catcher at words?" said I. "I thought that catching at +words had been confined to the pothouse farmers and village witty +bodies." + +"All fools," said Mrs. Petulengro, "catch at words, and very naturally, +as by so doing they hope to prevent the possibility of rational +conversation. Catching at words confined to pothouse farmers and village +witty bodies! No, nor to Jasper Petulengro. Listen for an hour or two +to the discourse of a set they call newspaper editors, and if you don't +go out and eat grass, as a dog does when he is sick, I am no female +woman. The young lord whose hand I refused when I took up with wise +Jasper once brought two of them to my mother's tan, when hankering after +my company; they did nothing but carp at each other's words, and a pretty +hand they made of it. Ill-favoured dogs they were; and their attempts at +what they called wit almost as unfortunate as their countenances." + +"Well," said I, "madam, we will drop all catchings and carpings for the +present. Pray take your seat on this stool whilst I go and announce to +Miss Isopel Berners your arrival." + +Thereupon I went to Belle's habitation, and informed her that Mr. and +Mrs. Petulengro had paid us a visit of ceremony, and were awaiting her at +the fire-place. "Pray go and tell them that I am busy," said Belle, who +was engaged with her needle. "I do not feel disposed to take part in any +such nonsense." "I shall do no such thing," said I, "and I insist upon +your coming forthwith, and showing proper courtesy to your visitors. If +you do not their feelings will be hurt, and you are aware that I cannot +bear that people's feelings should be outraged. Come this moment, or" +. . . "Or what?" said Belle, half smiling. "I was about to say something +in Armenian," said I. "Well," said Belle, laying down her work, "I will +come." "Stay," said I, "your hair is hanging about your ears, and your +dress is in disorder; you had better stay a minute or two to prepare +yourself to appear before your visitors, who have come in their very best +attire." "No," said Belle, "I will make no alteration in my appearance; +you told me to come this moment, and you shall be obeyed." + +So Belle and I advanced towards our guests. As we drew nigh Mr. +Petulengro took off his hat and made a profound obeisance to Belle, +whilst Mrs. Petulengro rose from the stool and made a profound curtsey. +Belle, who had flung her hair back over her shoulders, returned their +salutations by bending her head, and after slightly glancing at Mr. +Petulengro, fixed her large blue eyes full upon his wife. Both these +females were very handsome--but how unlike! Belle fair, with blue eyes +and flaxen hair; Mrs. Petulengro with olive complexion, eyes black, and +hair dark--as dark could be. Belle, in demeanour calm and proud; the +gypsy graceful, but full of movement and agitation. And then how +different were those two in stature! The head of the Romany rawnie +scarcely ascended to the breast of Isopel Berners. I could see that Mrs. +Petulengro gazed on Belle with unmixed admiration: so did her husband. +"Well," said the latter, "one thing I will say, which is, that there is +only one on earth worthy to stand up in front of this she, and that is +the beauty of the world, as far as man flesh is concerned, Tawno Chikno; +what a pity he did not come down!" + +"Tawno Chikno," said Mrs. Petulengro, flaring up; "a pretty fellow he to +stand up in front of this gentlewoman, a pity he didn't come, quotha? not +at all, the fellow is a sneak, afraid of his wife. He stand up against +this rawnie! why the look she has given me would knock the fellow down." + +"It is easier to knock him down with a look than with a fist," said Mr. +Petulengro; "that is, if the look comes from a woman: not that I am +disposed to doubt that this female gentlewoman is able to knock him down +either one way or the other. I have heard of her often enough, and have +seen her once or twice, though not so near as now. Well, ma'am, my wife +and I are come to pay our respects to you; we are both glad to find that +you have left off keeping company with Flaming Bosville, and have taken +up with my pal; he is not very handsome, but a better . . ." + +"I take up with your pal, as you call him; you had better mind what you +say," said Isopel Berners, "I take up with nobody." + +"I merely mean taking up your quarters with him," said Mr. Petulengro; +"and I was only about to say a better fellow-lodger you cannot have, or a +more instructive, especially if you have a desire to be inoculated with +tongues, as he calls them. I wonder whether you and he have had any +tongue-work already." + +"Have you and your wife anything particular to say? If you have nothing +but this kind of conversation I must leave you, as I am going to make a +journey this afternoon, and should be getting ready." + +"You must excuse my husband, madam," said Mrs. Petulengro; "he is not +overburdened with understanding, and has said but one word of sense since +he has been here, which was that we came to pay our respects to you. We +have dressed ourselves in our best Roman way, in order to do honour to +you; perhaps you do not like it; if so, I am sorry. I have no French +clothes, madam; if I had any, madam, I would have come in them in order +to do you more honour." + +"I like to see you much better as you are," said Belle; "people should +keep to their own fashions, and yours is very pretty." + +"I am glad you are pleased to think it so, madam; it has been admired in +the great city, it created what they call a sensation, and some of the +great ladies, the court ladies, imitated it, else I should not appear in +it so often as I am accustomed; for I am not very fond of what is Roman, +having an imagination that what is Roman is ungenteel; in fact, I once +heard the wife of a rich citizen say that gypsies were vulgar creatures. +I should have taken her saying very much to heart, but for her improper +pronunciation; she could not pronounce her words, madam, which we +gypsies, as they call us, usually can, so I thought she was no very high +purchase. You are very beautiful, madam, though you are not dressed as I +could wish to see you, and your hair is hanging down in sad confusion; +allow me to assist you in arranging your hair, madam; I will dress it for +you in our fashion; I would fain see how your hair would look in our poor +gypsy fashion; pray allow me, madam?" and she took Belle by the hand. + +"I really can do no such thing," said Belle, withdrawing her hand; "I +thank you for coming to see me, but . . ." + +"Do allow me to officiate upon your hair, madam," said Mrs. Petulengro; +"I should esteem your allowing me a great mark of condescension. You are +very beautiful, madam, and I think you doubly so, because you are so +fair; I have a great esteem for persons with fair complexions and hair; I +have a less regard for people with dark hair and complexions, madam." + +"Then why did you turn off the lord, and take up with me?" said Mr. +Petulengro; "that same lord was fair enough all about him." + +"People do when they are young and silly what they sometimes repent of +when they are of riper years and understandings. I sometimes think that +had I not been something of a simpleton, I might at this time be a great +court lady. Now, madam," said she, again taking Belle by the hand, "do +oblige me by allowing me to plait your hair a little?" + +"I have really a good mind to be angry with you," said Belle, giving Mrs. +Petulengro a peculiar glance. + +"Do allow her to arrange your hair," said I, "she means no harm, and +wishes to do you honour; do oblige her and me too; for I should like to +see how your hair would look dressed in her fashion." + +"You hear what the young rye says?" said Mrs. Petulengro. "I am sure you +will oblige the young rye, if not myself. Many people would be willing +to oblige the young rye, if he would but ask them; but he is not in the +habit of asking favours. He has a nose of his own, which he keeps +tolerably exalted; he does not think small-beer of himself, madam; and +all the time I have been with him, I never heard him ask a favour before; +therefore, madam, I am sure you will oblige him. My sister Ursula would +be very willing to oblige him in many things, but he will not ask her for +anything, except for such a favour as a word, which is a poor favour +after all. I don't mean for her word; perhaps he will some day ask you +for your word. If so . . ." + +"Why here you are, after railing at me for catching at words, catching at +a word yourself," said Mr. Petulengro. + +"Hold your tongue, sir," said Mrs. Petulengro. "Don't interrupt me in my +discourse; if I caught at a word now, I am not in the habit of doing so. +I am no conceited body; no newspaper Neddy; no pothouse witty person. I +was about to say, madam, that if the young rye asks you at any time for +your word, you will do as you deem convenient; but I am sure you will +oblige him by allowing me to braid your hair." + +"I shall not do it to oblige him," said Belle; "the young rye, as you +call him, is nothing to me." + +"Well, then, to oblige me," said Mrs. Petulengro; "do allow me to become +your poor tire-woman." + +"It is great nonsense," said Belle, reddening; "however, as you came to +see me, and ask the matter as a particular favour to yourself . . ." + +"Thank you, madam," said Mrs. Petulengro, leading Belle to the stool; +"please to sit down here. Thank you; your hair is very beautiful, +madam," she continued, as she proceeded to braid Belle's hair; "so is +your countenance. Should you ever go to the great city, among the grand +folks, you would make a sensation, madam. I have made one myself, who am +dark; the chi she is kauley, which last word signifies black, which I am +not, though rather dark. There's no colour like white, madam; it's so +lasting, so genteel. Gentility will carry the day, madam, even with the +young rye. He will ask words of the black lass, but beg the word of the +fair." + +In the meantime Mr. Petulengro and myself entered into conversation. "Any +news stirring, Mr. Petulengro?" said I. "Have you heard anything of the +great religious movements?" + +"Plenty," said Mr. Petulengro; "all the religious people, more especially +the Evangelicals--those that go about distributing tracts--are very angry +about the fight between Gentleman Cooper and White-headed Bob, which they +say ought not to have been permitted to take place; and then they are +trying all they can to prevent the fight between the lion and the dogs, +which they say is a disgrace to a Christian country. Now, I can't say +that I have any quarrel with the religious party and the Evangelicals; +they are always civil to me and mine, and frequently give us tracts, as +they call them, which neither I nor mine can read; but I cannot say that +I approve of any movements, religious or not, which have in aim to put +down all life and manly sport in this here country." + +"Anything else?" said I. + +"People are becoming vastly sharp," said Mr. Petulengro; "and I am told +that all the old-fashioned, good-tempered constables are going to be set +aside, and a paid body of men to be established, who are not to permit a +tramper or vagabond on the roads of England;--and talking of roads puts +me in mind of a strange story I heard two nights ago, whilst drinking +some beer at a public-house, in company with my cousin Sylvester. I had +asked Tawno to go, but his wife would not let him. Just opposite me, +smoking their pipes, were a couple of men, something like engineers, and +they were talking of a wonderful invention which was to make a wonderful +alteration in England; inasmuch as it would set aside all the old roads, +which in a little time would be ploughed up, and sowed with corn, and +cause all England to be laid down with iron roads, on which people would +go thundering along in vehicles, pushed forward by fire and smoke. Now, +brother, when I heard this, I did not feel very comfortable; for I +thought to myself, what a queer place such a road would be to pitch one's +tent upon, and how impossible it would be for one's cattle to find a bite +of grass upon it; and I thought likewise of the danger to which one's +family would be exposed of being run over and severely scorched by these +same flying, fiery vehicles; so I made bold to say that I hoped such an +invention would never be countenanced, because it was likely to do a +great deal of harm. Whereupon, one of the men, giving me a glance, said, +without taking the pipe out of his mouth, that for his part he sincerely +hoped that it would take effect; and if it did no other good than +stopping the rambles of gypsies, and other like scamps, it ought to be +encouraged. Well, brother, feeling myself insulted, I put my hand into +my pocket, in order to pull out money, intending to challenge him to +fight for a five-shilling stake, but merely found sixpence, having left +all my other money at the tent; which sixpence was just sufficient to pay +for the beer which Sylvester and myself were drinking, of whom I couldn't +hope to borrow anything--'poor as Sylvester' being a by-word amongst us. +So, not being able to back myself, I held my peace, and let the Gorgio +have it all his own way, who, after turning up his nose at me, went on +discoursing about the said invention, saying what a fund of profit it +would be to those who knew how to make use of it, and should have the +laying down of the new roads, and the shoeing of England with iron. And +after he had said this, and much more of the same kind, which I cannot +remember, he and his companion got up and walked away; and presently I +and Sylvester got up and walked to our camp; and there I lay down in my +tent by the side of my wife, where I had an ugly dream of having camped +upon an iron road; my tent being overturned by a flying vehicle; my +wife's leg injured; and all my affairs put into great confusion." + +"Now, madam," said Mrs. Petulengro, "I have braided your hair in our +fashion: you look very beautiful, madam; more beautiful, if possible, +than before." Belle now rose, and came forward with her tire-woman. Mr. +Petulengro was loud in his applause, but I said nothing, for I did not +think Belle was improved in appearance by having submitted to the +ministry of Mrs. Petulengro's hand. Nature never intended Belle to +appear as a gypsy; she had made her too proud and serious. A more proper +part for her was that of a heroine, a queenly heroine,--that of Theresa +of Hungary, for example; or, better still, that of Brynhilda the +Valkyrie, the beloved of Sigurd, the serpent-killer, who incurred the +curse of Odin, because, in the tumult of spears, she sided with the young +king, and doomed the old warrior to die, to whom Odin had promised +victory. + +Belle looked at me for a moment in silence; then turning to Mrs. +Petulengro, she said, "You have had your will with me; are you +satisfied?" "Quite so, madam," said Mrs. Petulengro, "and I hope you +will be so too, as soon as you have looked in the glass." "I have looked +in one already," said Belle, "and the glass does not flatter." "You mean +the face of the young rye," said Mrs. Petulengro, "never mind him, madam; +the young rye, though he knows a thing or two, is not a university, nor a +person of universal wisdom. I assure you that you never looked so well +before; and I hope that, from this moment, you will wear your hair in +this way." "And who is to braid it in this way?" said Belle, smiling. +"I, madam," said Mrs. Petulengro, "I will braid it for you every morning, +if you will but be pursuaded to join us. Do so, madam, and I think, if +you did, the young rye would do so too." "The young rye is nothing to +me, nor I to him," said Belle; "we have stayed some time together; but +our paths will soon be apart. Now, farewell, for I am about to take a +journey." "And you will go out with your hair as I have braided it," +said Mrs. Petulengro; "if you do, everybody will be in love with you." +"No," said Belle, "hitherto I have allowed you to do what you please, but +henceforth I shall have my own way. Come, come," said she, observing +that the gypsy was about to speak, "we have had enough of nonsense; +whenever I leave this hollow, it will be wearing my hair in my own +fashion." "Come, wife," said Mr. Petulengro, "we will no longer intrude +upon the rye and rawnie, there is such a thing as being troublesome." +Thereupon Mr. Petulengro and his wife took their leave, with many +salutations. "Then you are going?" said I, when Belle and I were left +alone. "Yes," said Belle, "I am going on a journey; my affairs compel +me." "But you will return again?" said I. "Yes," said Belle, "I shall +return once more." "Once more," said I; "what do you mean by once more? +The Petulengros will soon be gone, and will you abandon me in this +place?" "You were alone here," said Belle, "before I came, and, I +suppose, found it agreeable, or you would not have stayed in it." "Yes," +said I, "that was before I knew you; but having lived with you here, I +should be very loth to live here without you." "Indeed," said Belle, "I +did not know that I was of so much consequence to you. Well, the day is +wearing away--I must go and harness Traveller to the cart." "I will do +that," said I, "or anything else you may wish me. Go and prepare +yourself; I will see after Traveller and the cart." Belle departed to +her tent, and I set about performing the task I had undertaken. In about +half-an-hour Belle again made her appearance--she was dressed neatly and +plainly. Her hair was no longer in the Roman fashion, in which Pakomovna +had plaited it, but was secured by a comb; she held a bonnet in her hand. +"Is there anything else I can do for you?" I demanded. "There are two or +three bundles by my tent, which you can put into the cart," said Belle. I +put the bundles into the cart, and then led Traveller and the cart up the +winding path, to the mouth of the dingle, near which was Mr. Petulengro's +encampment. Belle followed. At the top, I delivered the reins into her +hands; we looked at each other steadfastly for some time. Belle then +departed and I returned to the dingle, where, seating myself on my stone, +I remained for upwards of an hour in thought. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + +THE FESTIVAL--THE GYPSY SONG--PIRAMUS OF ROME--THE SCOTCHMAN--GYPSY +NAMES. + +On the following day there was much feasting amongst the Romany chals of +Mr. Petulengro's party. Throughout the forenoon the Romany chies did +scarcely anything but cook flesh, and the flesh which they cooked was +swine's flesh. About two o'clock, the chals and chies dividing +themselves into various parties, sat down and partook of the fare, which +was partly roasted, partly sodden. I dined that day with Mr. Petulengro +and his wife and family, Ursula, Mr. and Mrs. Chikno, and Sylvester and +his two children. Sylvester, it will be as well to say, was a widower, +and had consequently no one to cook his victuals for him, supposing he +had any, which was not always the case, Sylvester's affairs being seldom +in a prosperous state. He was noted for his bad success in trafficking, +notwithstanding the many hints which he received from Jasper, under whose +protection he had placed himself, even as Tawno Chikno had done, who +himself, as the reader has heard on a former occasion, was anything but a +wealthy subject, though he was at all times better off than Sylvester, +the Lazarus of the Romany tribe. + +All our party ate with a good appetite, except myself, who, feeling +rather melancholy that day, had little desire to eat. I did not, like +the others, partake of the pork, but got my dinner entirely off the body +of a squirrel which had been shot the day before by a chal of the name of +Piramus, who, besides being a good shot, was celebrated for his skill in +playing on the fiddle. During the dinner a horn filled with ale passed +frequently around, I drank of it more than once, and felt inspirited by +the draughts. The repast concluded, Sylvester and his children departed +to their tent, and Mr. Petulengro, Tawno, and myself getting up, went and +lay down under a shady hedge, where Mr. Petulengro, lighting his pipe, +began to smoke, and where Tawno presently fell asleep. I was about to +fall asleep also, when I heard the sound of music and song. Piramus was +playing on the fiddle, whilst Mrs. Chikno, who had a voice of her own, +was singing in tones sharp enough, but of great power, a gypsy song:-- + + + +POISONING THE PORKER. +BY MRS. CHIKNO. + + + To mande shoon ye Romany chals + Who besh in the pus about the yag, + I'll pen how we drab the baulo, + I'll pen how we drab the baulo. + + We jaws to the drab-engro ker, + Trin horsworth there of drab we lels, + And when to the swety back we wels + We pens we'll drab the baulo, + We'll have a drab at a baulo. + + And then we kairs the drab opre, + And then we jaws to the farming ker + To mang a beti habben, + A beti poggado habben. + + A rinkeno baulo there we dick, + And then we pens in Romano jib; + Wust lis odoi opre ye chick, + And the baulo he will lel lis, + The baulo he will lel lis. + + Coliko, coliko saulo we + Apopli to the farming ker + Will wel and mang him mullo, + Will wel and mang his truppo. + + And so we kairs, and so we kairs; + The baulo in the rarde mers; + We mang him on the saulo, + And rig to the tan the baulo. + + And then we toves the wendror well + Till sore the wendror iuziou se, + Till kekkeno drab's adrey lis, + Till drab there's kek adrey lis. + + And then his truppo well we hatch, + Kin levinor at the kitchema, + And have a kosko habben, + A kosko Romano habben. + + The boshom engro kils, he kils, + The tawnie juva gils, she gils + A puro Romano gillie, + Now shoon the Romano gillie. + +Which song I had translated in the following manner, in my younger days, +for a lady's album. + + Listen to me ye Roman lads, who are seated in the straw about the + fire, and I will tell how we poison the porker, I will tell how we + poison the porker. + + We go to the house of the poison monger, {42} where we buy three + pennies' worth of bane, and when we return to our people we say, we + will poison the porker; we will try and poison the porker. + + We then make up the poison, and then we take our way to the house of + the farmer, as if to beg a bit of victuals, a little broken victuals. + + We see a jolly porker, and then we say in Roman language, "Fling the + bane yonder amongst the dirt, and the porker soon will find it, the + porker soon will find it." + + Early on the morrow, we will return to the farm-house, and beg the + dead porker, the body of the dead porker. + + And so we do, even so we do; the porker dieth during the night; on the + morrow we beg the porker, and carry to the tent the porker. + + And then we wash the inside well, till all the inside is perfectly + clean, till there's no bane within it, not a poison grain within it. + + And then we roast the body well, send for ale to the alehouse, and + have a merry banquet, a merry Roman banquet. + + The fellow with the fiddle plays, he plays; the little lassie sings, + she sings an ancient Roman ditty; now hear the Roman ditty. + + + +SONG OF THE BROKEN CHASTITY. +BY URSULA. + + + Penn'd the Romany chi ke laki dye + "Miry dearie dye mi shom cambri!" + "And savo kair'd tute cambri, + Miry dearie chi, miry Romany chi?" + + "O miry dye a boro rye, + A bovalo rye, a gorgiko rye, + Sos kistur pre a pellengo grye, + 'Twas yov sos kerdo man cambri." + "Tu tawnie vassavie lubbeny, + Tu chal from miry tan abri; + Had a Romany chal kair'd tute cambri, + Then I had penn'd ke tute chie, + But tu shan a vassavie lubbeny + With gorgikie rat to be cambri." + +"There's some kernel in those songs, brother," said Mr. Petulengro, when +the songs and music were over. + +"Yes," said I, "they are certainly very remarkable songs. I say, Jasper, +I hope you have not been drabbing baulor lately." + +"And suppose we have, brother, what then?" + +"Why, it is a very dangerous practice, to say nothing of the wickedness +of it." + +"Necessity has no law, brother." + +"That is true," said I, "I have always said so, but you are not +necessitous, and should not drab baulor." + +"And who told you we had been drabbing baulor?" + +"Why, you have had a banquet of pork, and after the banquet Mrs. Chikno +sang a song about drabbing baulor, so I naturally thought you might have +lately been engaged in such a thing." + +"Brother, you occasionally utter a word or two of common sense. It was +natural for you to suppose, after seeing that dinner of pork, and hearing +that song, that we had been drabbing baulor; I will now tell you that we +have not been doing so. What have you to say to that?" + +"That I am very glad of it." + +"Had you tasted that pork, brother, you would have found that it was +sweet and tasty, which balluva that is drabbed can hardly be expected to +be. We have no reason to drab baulor at present, we have money and +credit; but necessity has no law. Our forefathers occasionally drabbed +baulor, some of our people may still do such a thing, but only from +compulsion." + +"I see," said I; "and at your merry meetings you sing songs upon the +compulsatory deeds of your people, alias their villainous actions; and, +after all, what would the stirring poetry of any nation be, but for its +compulsatory deeds? Look at the poetry of Scotland, the heroic part, +founded almost entirely on the villainous deeds of the Scotch nation; cow- +stealing, for example, which is very little better than drabbing baulor; +whilst the softer part is mostly about the slips of its females among the +broom, so that no upholder of Scotch poetry could censure Ursula's song +as indelicate, even if he understood it. What do you think, Jasper?" + +"I think, brother, as I before said, that occasionally you utter a word +of common sense; you were talking of the Scotch, brother; what do you +think of a Scotchman finding fault with Romany?" + +"A Scotchman finding fault with Romany, Jasper! Oh dear, but you joke, +the thing could never be." + +"Yes, and at Piramus's fiddle; what do you think of a Scotchman turning +up his nose at Piramus's fiddle?" + +"A Scotchman turning up his nose at Piramus's fiddle! nonsense, Jasper." + +"Do you know what I most dislike, brother?" + +"I do not, unless it be the constable, Jasper." + +"It is not the constable, it's a beggar on horseback, brother." + +"What do you mean by a beggar on horseback?" + +"Why, a scamp, brother, raised above his proper place, who takes every +opportunity of giving himself fine airs. About a week ago, my people and +myself camped on a green by a plantation in the neighbourhood of a great +house. In the evening we were making merry, the girls were dancing, +while Piramus was playing on the fiddle a tune of his own composing, to +which he has given his own name, Piramus of Rome, and which is much +celebrated amongst our people, and from which I have been told that one +of the grand gorgio composers, who once heard it, has taken several +hints. So, as we were making merry, a great many grand people, lords and +ladies, I believe, came from the great house and looked on, as the girls +danced to the tune of Piramus of Rome, and seemed much pleased; and when +the girls had left off dancing, and Piramus playing, the ladies wanted to +have their fortunes told; so I bade Mikailia Chikno, who can tell a +fortune when she pleases better than any one else, tell them a fortune, +and she, being in a good mind, told them a fortune which pleased them +very much. So, after they had heard their fortunes, one of them asked if +any of our women could sing; and I told them several could, more +particularly Leviathan--you know Leviathan, she is not here now, but some +miles distant, she is our best singer, Ursula coming next. So the lady +said she should like to hear Leviathan sing, whereupon Leviathan sang the +Gudlo pesham, and Piramus played the tune of the same name, which, as you +know, means the honeycomb, the song and the tune being well entitled to +the name, being wonderfully sweet. Well, everybody present seemed mighty +well pleased with the song and music, with the exception of one person, a +carroty-haired Scotch body; how he came there I don't know, but there he +was; and, coming forward, he began in Scotch as broad as a barn-door to +find fault with the music and the song, saying that he had never heard +viler stuff than either. Well, brother, out of consideration for the +civil gentry with whom the fellow had come, I held my peace for a long +time, and in order to get the subject changed, I said to Mikailia in +Romany, you have told the ladies their fortunes, now tell the gentlemen +theirs, quick, quick,--pen lende dukkerin. Well, brother, the Scotchman, +I suppose, thinking I was speaking ill of him, fell into a greater +passion than before, and catching hold of the word dukkerin--'Dukkerin,' +said he, 'what's dukkerin?' 'Dukkerin,' said I, 'is fortune, a man or +woman's destiny; don't you like the word?' 'Word! d'ye ca' that a word? +a bonnie word,' said he. 'Perhaps you'll tell us what it is in Scotch,' +said I, 'in order that we may improve our language by a Scotch word; a +pal of mine has told me that we have taken a great many words from +foreign lingos.' 'Why, then, if that be the case, fellow, I will tell +you; it is e'en "spaeing,"' said he, very seriously. 'Well, then,' said +I, 'I'll keep my own word, which is much the prettiest--spaeing! spaeing! +why, I should be ashamed to make use of the word, it sounds so much like +a certain other word;' and then I made a face as if I were unwell. +'Perhaps it's Scotch also for that?' 'What do you mean by speaking in +that guise to a gentleman?' said he, 'you insolent vagabond without a +name or a country.' 'There you are mistaken,' said I, 'my country is +Egypt, but we 'Gyptians, like you Scotch, are rather fond of travelling; +and as for name--my name is Jasper Petulengro, perhaps you have a better; +what is it?' 'Sandy Macraw.' At that, brother, the gentlemen burst into +a roar of laughter, and all the ladies tittered." + +"You were rather severe on the Scotchman, Jasper." + +"Not at all, brother, and suppose I were, he began first; I am the +civilest man in the world, and never interfere with anybody who lets me +and mine alone. He finds fault with Romany, forsooth! why, L---d +A'mighty, what's Scotch? He doesn't like our songs; what are his own? I +understand them as little as he mine; I have heard one or two of them, +and pretty rubbish they seemed. But the best of the joke is the fellow's +finding fault with Piramus's fiddle--a chap from the land of bagpipes +finding fault with Piramus's fiddle! Why, I'll back that fiddle against +all the bagpipes in Scotland, and Piramus against all the bagpipers; for +though Piramus weighs but ten stone, he shall flog a Scotchman of +twenty." + +"Scotchmen are never so fat as that," said I, "unless, indeed, they have +been a long time pensioners of England. I say, Jasper, what remarkable +names your people have!" + +"And what pretty names, brother; there's my own, for example, Jasper; +then there's Ambrose and Sylvester; then there's Culvato, which signifies +Claude; then there's Piramus, that's a nice name, brother." + +"Then there's your wife's name, Pakomovna; then there's Ursula and +Morella." + +"Then, brother, there's Ercilla." + +"Ercilla! the name of the great poet of Spain, how wonderful; then +Leviathan." + +"The name of a ship, brother; Leviathan was named after a ship, so don't +make a wonder out of her. But there's Sanpriel and Synfye." + +"Ay, and Clementina and Lavinia, Camillia and Lydia, Curlanda and +Orlanda; wherever did they get those names?" + +"Where did my wife get her necklace, brother?" + +"She knows best, Jasper. I hope . . ." + +"Come, no hoping! She got it from her grandmother, who died at the age +of a hundred and three, and sleeps in Coggeshall churchyard. She got it +from her mother, who also died very old, and who could give no other +account of it than that it had been in the family time out of mind." + +"Whence could they have got it?" + +"Why, perhaps where they got their names, brother. A gentleman, who had +travelled much, once told me that he had seen the sister of it about the +neck of an Indian queen." + +"Some of your names, Jasper, appear to be church names; your own, for +example, and Ambrose, and Sylvester; perhaps you got them from the +Papists, in the times of Popery; but where did you get such a name as +Piramus, a name of Grecian romance? Then some of them appear to be +Slavonian; for example, Mikailia and Pakomovna. I don't know much of +Slavonian; but . . ." + +"What is Slavonian, brother?" + +"The family name of certain nations, the principal of which is the +Russian, and from which the word slave is originally derived. You have +heard of the Russians, Jasper?" + +"Yes, brother; and seen some. I saw their crallis at the time of the +peace; he was not a bad-looking man for a Russian." + +"By-the-bye, Jasper, I'm half inclined to think that crallis is a Slavish +word. I saw something like it in a lil called 'Voltaire's Life of +Charles.' How you should have come by such names and words is to me +incomprehensible." + +"You seem posed, brother." + +"I really know very little about you, Jasper." + +"Very little indeed, brother. We know very little about ourselves; and +you know nothing, save what we have told you; and we have now and then +told you things about us which are not exactly true, simply to make a +fool of you, brother. You will say that was wrong, perhaps it was. Well, +Sunday will be here in a day or two, when we will go to church, where +possibly we shall hear a sermon on the disastrous consequences of lying." + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + + THE CHURCH--THE ARISTOCRATICAL PEW--DAYS OF YORE--THE CLERGYMAN--"IN + WHAT WOULD A MAN BE PROFITED?" + +When two days had passed, Sunday came; I breakfasted by myself in the +solitary dingle; and then, having set things a little to rights, I +ascended to Mr. Petulengro's encampment. I could hear church-bells +ringing around in the distance, appearing to say, "Come to church, come +to church," as clearly as it was possible for church-bells to say. I +found Mr. Petulengro seated by the door of his tent, smoking his pipe, in +rather an ungenteel undress. "Well, Jasper," said I, "are you ready to +go to church; for if you are, I am ready to accompany you?" "I am not +ready, brother," said Mr. Petulengro, "nor is my wife; the church, too, +to which we shall go is three miles off; so it is of no use to think of +going there this morning, as the service would be three-quarters over +before we got there; if, however, you are disposed to go in the +afternoon, we are your people." Thereupon I returned to my dingle, where +I passed several hours in conning the Welsh Bible, which the preacher, +Peter Williams, had given me. + +At last I gave over reading, took a slight refreshment, and was about to +emerge from the dingle, when I heard the voice of Mr. Petulengro calling +me. I went up again to the encampment, where I found Mr. Petulengro, his +wife, and Tawno Chikno, ready to proceed to church. Mr. and Mrs. +Petulengro were dressed in Roman fashion, though not in the full-blown +manner in which they had paid their visit to Isopel and myself. Tawno +had on a clean white slop, with a nearly new black beaver, with very +broad rims, and the nap exceedingly long. As for myself, I was dressed +in much the same manner as that in which I departed from London, having +on, in honour of the day, a shirt perfectly clean, having washed one on +purpose for the occasion, with my own hands, the day before, in the pond +of tepid water in which the newts and efts were in the habit of taking +their pleasure. We proceeded for upwards of a mile, by footpaths through +meadows and corn-fields; we crossed various stiles; at last, passing over +one, we found ourselves in a road, wending along which for a considerable +distance, we at last came in sight of a church, the bells of which had +been tolling distinctly in our ears for some time; before, however, we +reached the churchyard the bells had ceased their melody. It was +surrounded by lofty beech trees of brilliant green foliage. We entered +the gate, Mrs. Petulengro leading the way, and proceeded to a small door +near the east end of the church. As we advanced, the sound of singing +within the church rose upon our ears. Arrived at the small door, Mrs. +Petulengro opened it and entered, followed by Tawno Chikno. I myself +went last of all, following Mr. Petulengro, who, before I entered, turned +round and, with a significant nod, advised me to take care how I behaved. +The part of the church which we had entered was the chancel; on one side +stood a number of venerable old men--probably the neighbouring poor--and +on the other a number of poor girls belonging to the village school, +dressed in white gowns and straw bonnets, whom two elegant but simply +dressed young women were superintending. Every voice seemed to be united +in singing a certain anthem, which, notwithstanding it was written +neither by Tate nor Brady, contains some of the sublimest words which +were ever put together, not the worst of which are those which burst on +our ears as we entered. + + "Every eye shall now behold Him, + Robed in dreadful majesty; + Those who set at nought and sold Him, + Pierced and nailed Him to the tree, + Deeply wailing, + Shall the true Messiah see." + +Still following Mrs. Petulengro, we proceeded down the chancel and along +the aisle; notwithstanding the singing, I could distinctly hear as we +passed many a voice whispering, "Here come the gypsies! here come the +gypsies!" I felt rather embarrassed, with a somewhat awkward doubt as to +where we were to sit; none of the occupiers of the pews, who appeared to +consist almost entirely of farmers, with their wives, sons, and +daughters, opened a door to admit us. Mrs. Petulengro, however, appeared +to feel not the least embarrassment, but tripped along the aisle with the +greatest nonchalance. We passed under the pulpit, in which stood the +clergyman in his white surplice, and reached the middle of the church, +where we were confronted by the sexton dressed in long blue coat, and +holding in his hand a wand. This functionary motioned towards the lower +end of the church where were certain benches, partly occupied by poor +people and boys. Mrs. Petulengro, however, with a toss of her head, +directed her course to a magnificent pew, which was unoccupied, which she +opened and entered, followed closely by Tawno Chikno, Mr. Petulengro, and +myself. The sexton did not appear by any means to approve of the +arrangement, and as I stood next the door laid his finger on my arm, as +if to intimate that myself and companions must quit our aristocratical +location. I said nothing, but directed my eyes to the clergyman, who +uttered a short and expressive cough; the sexton looked at him for a +moment, and then, bowing his head, closed the door--in a moment more the +music ceased. I took up a prayer-book, on which was engraved an earl's +coronet. The clergyman uttered, "I will arise, and go to my father." +England's sublime liturgy had commenced. + +Oh, what feelings came over me on finding myself again in an edifice +devoted to the religion of my country! I had not been in such a place I +cannot tell for how long--certainly not for years; and now I had found my +way there again, it appeared as if I had fallen asleep in the pew of the +old church of pretty D . . . I had occasionally done so when a child, +and had suddenly woke up. Yes, surely I had been asleep and had woken +up; but, no! alas, no! I had not been asleep--at least not in the old +church--if I had been asleep I had been walking in my sleep, struggling, +striving, learning, and unlearning in my sleep. Years had rolled away +whilst I had been asleep--ripe fruit had fallen, green fruit had come on +whilst I had been asleep--how circumstances had altered, and above all +myself, whilst I had been asleep. No, I had not been asleep in the old +church! I was in a pew it is true, but not the pew of black leather, in +which I sometimes fell asleep in days of yore, but in a strange pew; and +then my companions, they were no longer those of days of yore. I was no +longer with my respectable father and mother, and my dear brother, but +with the gypsy cral and his wife, and the gigantic Tawno, the Antinous of +the dusky people. And what was I myself? No longer an innocent child, +but a moody man, bearing in my face, as I knew well, the marks of my +strivings and strugglings, of what I had learned and unlearned; +nevertheless, the general aspect of things brought to my mind what I had +felt and seen of yore. There was difference enough it is true, but still +there was a similarity--at least I thought so,--the church, the +clergyman, and the clerk differing in many respects from those of pretty +D . . ., put me strangely in mind of them; and then the words!--by-the- +bye, was it not the magic of the words which brought the dear enchanting +past so powerfully before the mind of Lavengro? for the words were the +same sonorous words of high import which had first made an impression on +his childish ear in the old church of pretty D . . . + +The liturgy was now over, during the reading of which my companions +behaved in a most unexceptional manner, sitting down and rising up when +other people sat down and rose, and holding in their hands prayer-books +which they found in the pew, into which they stared intently, though I +observed that, with the exception of Mrs. Petulengro, who knew how to +read a little, they held the books by the top, and not the bottom, as is +the usual way. The clergyman now ascended the pulpit, arrayed in his +black gown. The congregation composed themselves to attention, as did +also my companions, who fixed their eyes upon the clergyman with a +certain strange immovable stare, which I believe to be peculiar to their +race. The clergyman gave out his text, and began to preach. He was a +tall, gentlemanly man, seemingly between fifty and sixty, with greyish +hair; his features were very handsome, but with a somewhat melancholy +cast: the tones of his voice were rich and noble, but also with somewhat +of melancholy in them. The text which he gave out was the following one, +"In what would a man be profited, provided he gained the whole world, and +lost his own soul?" + +And on this text the clergyman preached long and well: he did not read +his sermon, but spoke it extempore; his doing so rather surprised and +offended me at first; I was not used to such a style of preaching in a +church devoted to the religion of my country. I compared it within my +mind with the style of preaching used by the high-church rector in the +old church of pretty D . . ., and I thought to myself it was very +different, and being very different I did not like it, and I thought to +myself how scandalised the people of D . . . would have been had they +heard it, and I figured to myself how indignant the high-church clerk +would have been had any clergyman got up in the church of D . . . and +preached in such a manner. Did it not savour strongly of dissent, +methodism, and similar low stuff? Surely it did; why, the Methodist I +had heard preach on the heath above the old city, preached in the same +manner--at least he preached extempore; ay, and something like the +present clergyman, for the Methodist spoke very zealously and with great +feeling, and so did the present clergyman; so I, of course, felt rather +offended with the clergyman for speaking with zeal and feeling. However, +long before the sermon was over I forgot the offence which I had taken, +and listened to the sermon with much admiration, for the eloquence and +powerful reasoning with which it abounded. + +Oh, how eloquent he was, when he talked of the inestimable value of a +man's soul, which he said endured for ever, whilst his body, as every one +knew, lasted at most for a very contemptible period of time; and how +forcibly he reasoned on the folly of a man, who, for the sake of gaining +the whole world--a thing, he said, which provided he gained he could only +possess for a part of the time, during which his perishable body +existed--should lose his soul, that is, cause that precious deathless +portion of him to suffer indescribable misery time without end. + +There was one part of his sermon which struck me in a very particular +manner: he said, "That there were some people who gained something in +return for their souls; if they did not get the whole world, they got a +part of it--lands, wealth, honour, or renown; mere trifles, he allowed, +in comparison with the value of a man's soul, which is destined either to +enjoy delight, or suffer tribulation time without end; but which, in the +eyes of the worldly, had a certain value, and which afforded a certain +pleasure and satisfaction. But there were also others who lost their +souls, and got nothing for them--neither lands, wealth, renown, nor +consideration, who were poor outcasts, and despised by everybody. My +friends," he added, "if the man is a fool who barters his soul for the +whole world, what a fool he must be who barters his soul for nothing." + +The eyes of the clergyman, as he uttered these words, wandered around the +whole congregation; and when he had concluded them, the eyes of the whole +congregation were turned upon my companions and myself. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + +RETURN FROM CHURCH--THE CUCKOO AND GYPSY--SPIRITUAL DISCOURSE. + +The service over, my companions and myself returned towards the +encampment by the way we came. Some of the humble part of the +congregation laughed and joked at us as we passed. Mr. Petulengro and +his wife, however, returned their laughs and jokes with interest. As for +Tawno and myself, we said nothing: Tawno, like most handsome fellows, +having very little to say for himself at any time; and myself, though not +handsome, not being particularly skilful at repartee. Some boys followed +us for a considerable time, making all kinds of observations about +gypsies; but as we walked at a great pace, we gradually left them behind, +and at last lost sight of them. Mrs. Petulengro and Tawno Chikno walked +together, even as they had come; whilst Mr. Petulengro and myself +followed at a little distance. + +"That was a very fine preacher we heard," said I to Mr. Petulengro, after +we had crossed the stile into the fields. + +"Very fine, indeed, brother," said Mr. Petulengro; "he is talked of far +and wide, for his sermons; folks say that there is scarcely another like +him in the whole of England." + +"He looks rather melancholy, Jasper." + +"He lost his wife several years ago, who, they say, was one of the most +beautiful women ever seen. They say that it was grief for her loss that +made him come out mighty strong as a preacher; for, though he was a +clergyman, he was never heard of in the pulpit before he lost his wife; +since then the whole country has rung with the preaching of the clergyman +of M . . ., as they call him. Those two nice young gentlewomen, whom you +saw with the female childer, are his daughters." + +"You seem to know all about him, Jasper. Did you ever hear him preach +before?" + +"Never, brother; but he has frequently been to our tent, and his +daughters too, and given us tracts; for he is one of the people they call +Evangelicals, who give folks tracts which they cannot read." + +"You should learn to read, Jasper." + +"We have no time, brother." + +"Are you not frequently idle?" + +"Never, brother; when we are not engaged in our traffic, we are engaged +in taking our relaxation: so we have no time to learn." + +"You really should make an effort. If you were disposed to learn to +read, I would endeavour to assist you. You would be all the better for +knowing how to read." + +"In what way, brother?" + +"Why, you could read the Scriptures, and, by so doing, learn your duty +towards your fellow-creatures." + +"We know that already, brother; the constables and justices have +contrived to knock that tolerably into our heads." + +"Yet you frequently break the laws." + +"So, I believe, do now and then those who know how to read, brother." + +"Very true, Jasper; but you really ought to learn to read, as, by so +doing, you might learn your duty towards yourselves: and your chief duty +is to take care of your own souls; did not the preacher say, 'In what is +a man profited, provided he gain the whole world'?" + +"We have not much of the world, brother." + +"Very little indeed, Jasper. Did you not observe how the eyes of the +whole congregation were turned towards our pew when the preacher said, +'There are some people who lose their souls, and get nothing in exchange; +who are outcast, despised, and miserable'? Now, was not what he said +quite applicable to the gypsies?" + +"We are not miserable, brother." + +"Well, then, you ought to be, Jasper. Have you an inch of ground of your +own? Are you of the least use? Are you not spoken ill of by everybody? +What's a gypsy?" + +"What's the bird noising yonder, brother?" + +"The bird! Oh, that's the cuckoo tolling; but what has the cuckoo to do +with the matter?" + +"We'll see, brother; what's the cuckoo?" + +"What is it? you know as much about it as myself, Jasper." + +"Isn't it a kind of roguish, chaffing bird, brother?" + +"I believe it is, Jasper." + +"Nobody knows whence it comes, brother?" + +"I believe not, Jasper." + +"Very poor, brother, not a nest of its own?" + +"So they say, Jasper." + +"With every person's bad word, brother?" + +"Yes, Jasper, every person is mocking it." + +"Tolerably merry, brother?" + +"Yes, tolerably merry, Jasper." + +"Of no use at all, brother?" + +"None whatever, Jasper." + +"You would be glad to get rid of the cuckoos, brother?" + +"Why, not exactly, Jasper; the cuckoo is a pleasant, funny bird, and its +presence and voice give a great charm to the green trees and fields; no, +I can't say I wish exactly to get rid of the cuckoo." + +"Well, brother, what's a Romany chal?" + +"You must answer that question yourself, Jasper." + +"A roguish, chaffing fellow, a'n't he, brother?" + +"Ay, ay, Jasper." + +"Of no use at all, brother?" + +"Just so, Jasper; I see . . ." + +"Something very much like a cuckoo, brother?" + +"I see what you are after, Jasper." + +"You would like to get rid of us, wouldn't you?" + +"Why, no, not exactly." + +"We are no ornament to the green lanes in spring and summer time are we, +brother? and the voices of our chies, with their cukkerin and dukkerin, +don't help to make them pleasant?" + +"I see what you are at, Jasper." + +"You would wish to turn the cuckoos into barn-door fowls, wouldn't you?" + +"Can't say I should, Jasper, whatever some people might wish." + +"And the chals and chies into radical weavers and factory wenches, hey, +brother?" + +"Can't say that I should, Jasper. You are certainly a picturesque +people, and in many respects an ornament both to town and country; +painting and lil writing too are under great obligations to you. What +pretty pictures are made out of your campings and groupings, and what +pretty books have been written in which gypsies, or at least creatures +intended to represent gypsies, have been the principal figures! I think +if we were without you, we should begin to miss you." + +"Just as you would the cuckoos, if they were all converted into barn-door +fowls. I tell you what, brother, frequently as I have sat under a hedge +in spring or summer time, and heard the cuckoo, I have thought that we +chals and cuckoos are alike in many respects, but especially in +character. Everybody speaks ill of us both, and everybody is glad to see +both of us again." + +"Yes, Jasper, but there is some difference between men and cuckoos; men +have souls, Jasper!" + +"And why not cuckoos, brother?" + +"You should not talk so, Jasper; what you say is little short of +blasphemy. How should a bird have a soul?" + +"And how should a man?" + +"Oh, we know very well that a man has a soul." + +"How do you know it?" + +"We know very well." + +"Would you take your oath of it, brother--your bodily oath?" + +"Why, I think I might, Jasper!" + +"Did you ever see the soul, brother?" + +"No, I never saw it." + +"Then how could you swear to it? A pretty figure you would make in a +court of justice, to swear to a thing which you never saw. Hold up your +head, fellow. When and where did you see it? Now upon your oath, +fellow, do you mean to say that this Roman stole the donkey's foal? Oh, +there's no one for cross-questioning like Counsellor P . . . Our people +when they are in a hobble always like to employ him, though he is +somewhat dear. Now, brother, how can you get over the 'upon your oath, +fellow, will you say that you have a soul?'" + +"Well, we will take no oaths on the subject; but you yourself believe in +the soul. I have heard you say that you believe in dukkerin; now what is +dukkerin but the soul science?" + +"When did I say that I believed in it?" + +"Why, after that fight, when you pointed to the bloody mark in the cloud, +whilst he you wot of was galloping in the barouche to the old town, +amidst the rain-cataracts, the thunder, and flame of heaven." + +"I have some kind of remembrance of it, brother." + +"Then, again, I heard you say that the dook of Abershaw rode every night +on horseback down the wooded hill." + +"I say, brother, what a wonderful memory you have!" + +"I wish I had not, Jasper, but I can't help it; it is my misfortune." + +"Misfortune! well, perhaps it is; at any rate it is very ungenteel to +have such a memory. I have heard my wife say that to show you have a +long memory looks very vulgar; and that you can't give a greater proof of +gentility than by forgetting a thing as soon as possible--more especially +a promise, or an acquaintance when he happens to be shabby. Well, +brother, I don't deny that I may have said that I believe in dukkerin, +and in Abershaw's dook, which you say is his soul; but what I believe one +moment, or say I believe, don't be certain that I shall believe the next, +or say I do." + +"Indeed, Jasper, I heard you say on a previous occasion, on quoting a +piece of a song, that when a man dies he is cast into the earth, and +there's an end of him." + +"I did, did I? Lor', what a memory you have, brother! But you are not +sure that I hold that opinion now." + +"Certainly not, Jasper. Indeed, after such a sermon as we have been +hearing, I should be very shocked if you held such an opinion." + +"However, brother, don't be sure I do not, however shocking such an +opinion may be to you." + +"What an incomprehensible people you are, Jasper." + +"We are rather so, brother; indeed, we have posed wiser heads than yours +before now." + +"You seem to care for so little, and yet you rove about a distinct race." + +"I say, brother!" + +"Yes, Jasper." + +"What do you think of our women?" + +"They have certainly very singular names, Jasper." + +"Names! Lavengro! But, brother, if you had been as fond of things as of +names, you would never have been a pal of ours." + +"What do you mean, Jasper?" + +"A'n't they rum animals?" + +"They have tongues of their own, Jasper." + +"Did you ever feel their teeth and nails, brother?" + +"Never, Jasper, save Mrs. Herne's. I have always been very civil to +them, so . . ." + +"They let you alone. I say, brother, some part of the secret is in +them." + +"They seem rather flighty, Jasper." + +"Ay, ay, brother!" + +"Rather fond of loose discourse!" + +"Rather so, brother." + +"Can you always trust them, Jasper?" + +"We never watch them, brother." + +"Can they always trust you?" + +"Not quite so well as we can them. However, we get on very well +together, except Mikailia and her husband; but Mikailia is a cripple, and +is married to the beauty of the world, so she may be expected to be +jealous--though he would not part with her for a duchess, no more than I +would part with my rawnie, nor any other chal with his." + +"Ay, but would not the chi part with the chal for a duke, Jasper?" + +"My Pakomovna gave up the duke for me, brother." + +"But she occasionally talks of him, Jasper." + +"Yes, brother, but Pakomovna was born on a common not far from the sign +of the gammon." + +"Gammon of bacon, I suppose." + +"Yes, brother; but gammon likewise means . . ." + +"I know it does, Jasper; it means fun, ridicule, jest; it is an ancient +Norse word, and is found in the Edda." + +"Lor', brother! how learned in lils you are!" + +"Many words of Norse are to be found in our vulgar sayings, Jasper; for +example--in that particularly vulgar saying of ours, 'Your mother is up,' +there's a noble Norse word; mother, there, meaning not the female who +bore us, but rage and choler, as I discovered by reading the Sagas, +Jasper." + +"Lor', brother! how book-learned you be." + +"Indifferently so, Jasper. Then you think you might trust your wife with +the duke?" + +"I think I could, brother, or even with yourself." + +"Myself, Jasper! Oh, I never troubled my head about your wife; but I +suppose there have been love affairs between gorgios and Romany chies. +Why, novels are stuffed with such matters; and then even one of your own +songs says so--the song which Ursula was singing the other afternoon." + +"That is somewhat of an old song, brother, and is sung by the chies as a +warning at our solemn festivals." + +"Well! but there's your sister-in-law, Ursula, herself, Jasper." + +"Ursula, herself, brother?" + +"You were talking of my having her, Jasper." + +"Well, brother, why didn't you have her?" + +"Would she have had me?" + +"Of course, brother. You are so much of a Roman, and speak Romany so +remarkably well." + +"Poor thing! she looks very innocent!" + +"Remarkably so, brother! However, though not born on the same common +with my wife, she knows a thing or two of Roman matters." + +"I should like to ask her a question or two, Jasper, in connection with +that song." + +"You can do no better, brother. Here we are at the camp. After tea, +take Ursula under a hedge, and ask her a question or two in connection +with that song." + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + +SUNDAY EVENING--URSULA--ACTION AT LAW--MERIDIANA--MARRIED ALREADY. + +I took tea that evening with Mr. and Mrs. Petulengro and Ursula, outside +of their tent. Tawno was not present, being engaged with his wife in his +own tabernacle; Sylvester was there, however, lolling listlessly upon the +ground. As I looked upon this man, I thought him one of the most +disagreeable fellows I had ever seen. His features were ugly, and, +moreover, as dark as pepper; and, besides being dark, his skin was dirty. +As for his dress, it was torn and sordid. His chest was broad, and his +arms seemed powerful; but, upon the whole, he looked a very caitiff. "I +am sorry that man has lost his wife," thought I; "for I am sure he will +never get another." What surprises me is, that he ever found a woman +disposed to unite her lot with his! + +After tea I got up and strolled about the field. My thoughts were upon +Isopel Berners. I wondered where she was, and how long she would stay +away. At length becoming tired and listless, I determined to return to +the dingle, and resume the reading of the Bible at the place where I had +left off. "What better could I do," methought, "on a Sunday evening?" I +was then near the wood which surrounded the dingle, but at that side +which was farthest from the encampment, which stood near the entrance. +Suddenly, on turning round the southern corner of the copse, which +surrounded the dingle, I perceived Ursula seated under a thorn-bush. I +thought I never saw her look prettier than then, dressed as she was, in +her Sunday's best. + +"Good evening, Ursula," said I; "I little thought to have the pleasure of +seeing you here." + +"Nor would you, brother," said Ursula, "had not Jasper told me that you +had been talking about me, and wanted to speak to me under a hedge; so, +hearing that, I watched your motions, and came here and sat down." + +"I was thinking of going to my quarters in the dingle, to read the Bible, +Ursula, but . . ." + +"Oh, pray then, go to your quarters, brother, and read the Miduveleskoe +lil; you can speak to me under a hedge some other time." + +"I think I will sit down with you, Ursula; for, after all, reading godly +books in dingles at eve is rather sombre work. Yes, I think I will sit +down with you;" and I sat down by her side. + +"Well, brother, now you have sat down with me under the hedge, what have +you to say to me?" + +"Why, I hardly know, Ursula." + +"Not know, brother; a pretty fellow you to ask young women to come and +sit with you under hedges, and, when they come, not know what to say to +them." + +"Oh! ah! I remember; do you know, Ursula, that I take a great interest in +you?" + +"Thank ye, brother; kind of you, at any rate." + +"You must be exposed to a great many temptations, Ursula." + +"A great many indeed, brother. It is hard to see fine things, such as +shawls, gold watches, and chains in the shops, behind the big glasses, +and to know that they are not intended for one. Many's the time I have +been tempted to make a dash at them; but I bethought myself that by so +doing I should cut my hands, besides being almost certain of being +grabbed and sent across the gull's bath to the foreign country." + +"Then you think gold and fine things temptations, Ursula?" + +"Of course, brother, very great temptations; don't you think them so?" + +"Can't say I do, Ursula." + +"Then more fool you, brother; but have the kindness to tell me what you +would call a temptation?" + +"Why, for example, the hope of honour and renown, Ursula." + +"The hope of honour and renown! very good, brother; but I tell you one +thing, that unless you have money in your pocket, and good broadcloth on +your back, you are not likely to obtain much honour and--what do you call +it? amongst the gorgios, to say nothing of the Romany chals." + +"I should have thought, Ursula, that the Romany chals, roaming about the +world as they do, free and independent, were above being led by such +trifles." + +"Then you know nothing of the gypsies, brother; no people on earth are +fonder of those trifles, as you call them, than the Romany chals, or more +disposed to respect those who have them." + +"Then money and fine clothes would induce you to do anything, Ursula?" + +"Ay, ay, brother, anything." + +"To chore, Ursula?" + +"Like enough, brother; gypsies have been transported before now for +choring." + +"To hokkawar?" + +"Ay, ay; I was telling dukkerin only yesterday, brother." + +"In fact, to break the law in everything?" + +"Who knows, brother, who knows? as I said before, gold and fine clothes +are great temptations." + +"Well, Ursula, I am sorry for it, I should never have thought you so +depraved." + +"Indeed, brother." + +"To think that I am seated by one who is willing to--to . . ." + +"Go on, brother." + +"To play the thief." + +"Go on, brother." + +"The liar." + +"Go on, brother." + +"The--the . . ." + +"Go on, brother." + +"The--the lubbeny." + +"The what, brother?" said Ursula, starting from her seat. + +"Why, the lubbeny; don't you . . ." + +"I tell you what, brother," said Ursula, looking somewhat pale, and +speaking very low, "if I had only something in my hand, I would do you a +mischief." + +"Why, what is the matter, Ursula?" said I; "how have I offended you?" + +"How have you offended me? Why, didn't you insinivate just now that I +was ready to play the--the . . ." + +"Go on, Ursula." + +"The--the . . . I'll not say it; but I only wish I had something in my +hand." + +"If I have offended, Ursula, I am very sorry for it; any offence I may +have given you was from want of understanding you. Come, pray be seated, +I have much to question you about--to talk to you about." + +"Seated, not I! It was only just now that you gave me to understand that +you was ashamed to be seated by me, a thief, a liar." + +"Well, did you not almost give me to understand that you were both, +Ursula?" + +"I don't much care being called a thief and a liar," said Ursula; "a +person may be a liar and a thief, and yet a very honest woman, but . . ." + +"Well, Ursula." + +"I tell you what, brother, if you ever sinivate again that I could be the +third thing, so help me duvel! I'll do you a mischief. By my God I +will!" + +"Well, Ursula, I assure you that I shall sinivate, as you call it, +nothing of the kind about you. I have no doubt, from what you have said, +that you are a very paragon of virtue--a perfect Lucretia; but . . ." + +"My name is Ursula, brother, and not Lucretia: Lucretia is not of our +family, but one of the Bucklands; she travels about Oxfordshire; yet I am +as good as she any day." + +"Lucretia! how odd! Where could she have got that name? Well, I make no +doubt, Ursula, that you are quite as good as she, and she as her namesake +of ancient Rome; but there is a mystery in this same virtue, Ursula, +which I cannot fathom; how a thief and a liar should be able, or indeed +willing, to preserve her virtue is what I don't understand. You confess +that you are very fond of gold. Now, how is it that you don't barter +your virtue for gold sometimes? I am a philosopher, Ursula, and like to +know everything. You must be every now and then exposed to great +temptation, Ursula; for you are of a beauty calculated to captivate all +hearts. Come, sit down and tell me how you are enabled to resist such a +temptation as gold and fine clothes?" + +"Well, brother," said Ursula, "as you say you mean no harm, I will sit +down beside you, and enter into discourse with you; but I will uphold +that you are the coolest hand that I ever came nigh, and say the coolest +things." + +And thereupon Ursula sat down by my side. + +"Well, Ursula, we will, if you please, discourse on the subject of your +temptations. I suppose that you travel very much about, and show +yourself in all kinds of places?" + +"In all kinds, brother; I travels, as you say, very much about, attends +fairs and races, and enters booths and public-houses, where I tells +fortunes, and sometimes dances and sings." + +"And do not people often address you in a very free manner?" + +"Frequently, brother; and I give them tolerably free answers." + +"Do people ever offer to make you presents? I mean presents of value, +such as . . ." + +"Silk handkerchiefs, shawls, and trinkets; very frequently, brother." + +"And what do you do, Ursula?" + +"I take what people offers me, brother, and stows it away as soon as I +can." + +"Well, but don't people expect something for their presents? I don't +mean dukkerin, dancing, and the like; but such a moderate and innocent +thing as a choomer, Ursula?" + +"Innocent thing, do you call it, brother?" + +"The world calls it so, Ursula. Well, do the people who give you the +fine things never expect a choomer in return?" + +"Very frequently, brother." + +"And do you ever grant it?" + +"Never, brother." + +"How do you avoid it?" + +"I gets away as soon as possible, brother. If they follows me, I tries +to baffle them, by means of jests and laughter; and if they persist, I +uses bad and terrible language, of which I have plenty in store." + +"But if your terrible language has no effect?" + +"Then I screams for the constable, and if he comes not, I uses my teeth +and nails." + +"And are they always sufficient?" + +"I have only had to use them twice, brother; but then I found them +sufficient." + +"But suppose the person who followed you was highly agreeable, Ursula? A +handsome young officer of local militia, for example, all dressed in +Lincoln green, would you still refuse him the choomer?" + +"We makes no difference, brother; the daughters of the gypsy-father makes +no difference; and, what's more, sees none." + +"Well, Ursula, the world will hardly give you credit for such +indifference." + +"What cares we for the world, brother! we are not of the world." + +"But your fathers, brothers, and uncles give you credit I suppose, +Ursula." + +"Ay, ay, brother, our fathers, brothers, and cokos gives us all manner of +credit; for example, I am telling lies and dukkerin in a public-house +where my batu or coko--perhaps both--are playing on the fiddle; well, my +batu and my coko beholds me amongst the public-house crew, talking +nonsense and hearing nonsense; but they are under no apprehension; and +presently they sees the good-looking officer of militia, in his greens +and Lincolns, get up and give me a wink, and I go out with him abroad, +into the dark night perhaps; well, my batu and my coko goes on fiddling, +just as if I were six miles off asleep in the tent, and not out in the +dark street with the local officer, with his Lincolns and his greens." + +"They know they can trust you, Ursula?" + +"Ay, ay, brother; and, what's more, I knows I can trust myself." + +"So you would merely go out to make a fool of him, Ursula?" + +"Merely go out to make a fool of him, brother, I assure you." + +"But such proceedings really have an odd look, Ursula." + +"Amongst gorgios, very so, brother." + +"Well, it must be rather unpleasant to lose one's character even amongst +gorgios, Ursula; and suppose the officer, out of revenge for being +tricked and duped by you, were to say of you the thing that is not, were +to meet you on the race-course the next day, and boast of receiving +favours which he never had, amidst a knot of jeering militia-men, how +would you proceed, Ursula? would you not be abashed?" + +"By no means, brother; I should bring my action of law against him." + +"Your action at law, Ursula?" + +"Yes, brother; I should give a whistle, whereupon all one's cokos and +batus, and all my near and distant relations, would leave their fiddling, +dukkerin, and horse-dealing, and come flocking about me. 'What's the +matter, Ursula?' says my coko. 'Nothing at all,' I replies, 'save and +except that gorgio, in his greens and his Lincolns, says that I have +played the . . . with him.' 'Oho, he does, Ursula,' says my coko; 'try +your action of law against him, my lamb,' and he puts something privily +into my hands; whereupon I goes close up to the grinning gorgio, and +staring him in the face, with my head pushed forward, I cries out: 'You +say I did what was wrong with you last night when I was out with you +abroad?' 'Yes,' says the local officer, 'I says you did,' looking down +all the time. 'You are a liar,' says I, and forthwith I breaks his head +with the stick which I holds behind me, and which my coko has conveyed +privily into my hand." + +"And this is your action at law, Ursula?" + +"Yes, brother, this is my action at club-law." + +"And would your breaking the fellow's head quite clear you of all +suspicion in the eyes of your batus, cokos, and what not?" + +"They would never suspect me at all, brother, because they would know +that I would never condescend to be over intimate with a gorgio; the +breaking the head would be merely intended to justify Ursula in the eyes +of the gorgios." + +"And would it clear you in their eyes?" + +"Would it not, brother? When they saw the blood running down from the +fellow's cracked poll on his greens and Lincolns, they would be quite +satisfied; why, the fellow would not be able to show his face at fair or +merry-making for a year and three quarters." + +"Did you ever try it, Ursula?" + +"Can't say I ever did, brother, but it would do." + +"And how did you ever learn such a method of proceeding?" + +"Why, 'tis advised by gypsy liri, brother. It's part of our way of +settling difficulties amongst ourselves; for example, if a young Roman +were to say the thing which is not respecting Ursula and himself, Ursula +would call a great meeting of the people, who would all sit down in a +ring, the young fellow amongst them; a coko would then put a stick in +Ursula's hand, who would then get up and go to the young fellow, and say, +'Did I play the . . . with you?' and were he to say 'Yes,' she would +crack his head before the eyes of all." + +"Well," said I, "Ursula, I was bred an apprentice to gorgio law, and of +course ought to stand up for it, whenever I conscientiously can, but I +must say the gypsy manner of bringing an action for defamation is much +less tedious, and far more satisfactory, than the gorgiko one. I wish +you now to clear up a certain point which is rather mysterious to me. You +say that for a Romany chi to do what is unseemly with a gorgio is quite +out of the question, yet only the other day I heard you singing a song in +which a Romany chi confesses herself to be cambri by a grand gorgious +gentleman." + +"A sad let down," said Ursula. + +"Well," said I, "sad or not, there's the song that speaks of the thing, +which you give me to understand is not." + +"Well, if the thing ever was," said Ursula, "it was a long time ago, and +perhaps, after all, not true." + +"Then why do you sing the song?" + +"I'll tell you, brother: we sings the song now and then to be a warning +to ourselves to have as little to do as possible in the way of +acquaintance with the gorgios; and a warning it is. You see how the +young woman in the song was driven out of her tent by her mother, with +all kind of disgrace and bad language; but you don't know that she was +afterwards buried alive by her cokos and pals, in an uninhabited place. +The song doesn't say it, but the story says it; for there is a story +about it, though, as I said before, it was a long time ago, and perhaps, +after all, wasn't true." + +"But if such a thing were to happen at present, would the cokos and pals +bury the girl alive?" + +"I can't say what they would do," said Ursula. "I suppose they are not +so strict as they were long ago; at any rate she would be driven from the +tan, and avoided by all her family and relations as a gorgio's +acquaintance, so that, perhaps, at last, she would be glad if they would +bury her alive." + +"Well, I can conceive that there would be an objection on the part of the +cokos and batus that a Romany chi should form an improper acquaintance +with a gorgio, but I should think that the batus and cokos could hardly +object to the chi's entering into the honourable estate of wedlock with a +gorgio." + +Ursula was silent. + +"Marriage is an honourable estate, Ursula." + +"Well, brother, suppose it be?" + +"I don't see why a Romany chi should object to enter into the honourable +estate of wedlock with a gorgio." + +"You don't, brother; don't you?" + +"No," said I, "and, moreover, I am aware, notwithstanding your evasion, +Ursula, that marriages and connections now and then occur between gorgios +and Romany chies; the result of which is the mixed breed, called half-and- +half, which is at present travelling about England, and to which the +Flaming Tinman belongs, otherwise called Anselo Herne." + +"As for the half-and-halfs," said Ursula, "they are a bad set; and there +is not a worse blackguard in England than Anselo Herne." + +"All what you say may be very true, Ursula, but you admit that there are +half-and-halfs." + +"The more's the pity, brother." + +"Pity or not, you admit the fact; but how do you account for it?" + +"How do I account for it? why, I will tell you, by the break up of a +Roman family, brother,--the father of a small family dies, and perhaps +the mother; and the poor children are left behind; sometimes they are +gathered up by their relations, and sometimes, if they have none, by +charitable Romans, who bring them up in the observance of gypsy law; but +sometimes they are not so lucky, and falls into the company of gorgios, +trampers, and basket-makers, who live in caravans, with whom they take +up, and so . . . I hate to talk of the matter, brother; but so comes this +race of the half-and-halfs." + +"Then you mean to say, Ursula, that no Romany chi, unless compelled by +hard necessity, would have anything to do with a gorgio." + +"We are not over fond of gorgios, brother, and we hates basket-makers and +folks that live in caravans." + +"Well," said I, "suppose a gorgio, who is not a basket-maker, a fine +handsome gorgious gentleman, who lives in a fine house . . ." + +"We are not fond of houses, brother. I never slept in a house in my +life." + +"But would not plenty of money induce you?" + +"I hate houses, brother, and those who live in them." + +"Well, suppose such a person were willing to resign his fine house, and, +for love of you, to adopt gypsy law, speak Romany, and live in a tan, +would you have nothing to say to him?" + +"Bringing plenty of money with him, brother?" + +"Well, bringing plenty of money with him, Ursula." + +"Well, brother, suppose you produce your man; where is he?" + +"I was merely supposing such a person, Ursula." + +"Then you don't know of such a person, brother?" + +"Why, no, Ursula; why do you ask?" + +"Because, brother, I was almost beginning to think that you meant +yourself." + +"Myself, Ursula! I have no fine house to resign; nor have I money. +Moreover, Ursula, though I have a great regard for you, and though I +consider you very handsome, quite as handsome, indeed, as Meridiana in +. . ." + +"Meridiana! where did you meet with her?" said Ursula, with a toss of her +head. + +"Why, in old Pulci's . . ." + +"At old Fulcher's! that's not true, brother. Meridiana is a Borzlam, and +travels with her own people, and not with old Fulcher, who is a gorgio +and a basket-maker." + +"I was not speaking of old Fulcher, but Pulci, a great Italian writer, +who lived many hundred years ago, and who, in his poem called the +'Morgante Maggiore,' speaks of Meridiana, the daughter of . . ." + +"Old Carus Borzlam," said Ursula; "but if the fellow you mention lived so +many hundred years ago, how, in the name of wonder, could he know +anything of Meridiana?" + +"The wonder, Ursula, is, how your people could ever have got hold of that +name, and similar ones. The Meridiana of Pulci was not the daughter of +old Carus Borzlam, but of Caradoro, a great pagan king of the East, who, +being besieged in his capital by Manfredonio, another mighty pagan king, +who wished to obtain possession of his daughter, who had refused him, was +relieved in his distress by certain paladins of Charlemagne, with one of +whom, Oliver, his daughter Meridiana fell in love." + +"I see," said Ursula, "that it must have been altogether a different +person, for I am sure that Meridiana Borzlam would never have fallen in +love with Oliver. Oliver! why, that is the name of the curo-mengro who +lost the fight near the chong gav, the day of the great tempest, when I +got wet through. No, no! Meridiana Borzlam would never have so far +forgot her blood as to take up with Tom Oliver." + +"I was not talking of that Oliver, Ursula, but of Oliver, peer of France, +and paladin of Charlemagne, with whom Meridiana, daughter of Caradoro, +fell in love, and for whose sake she renounced her religion and became a +Christian, and finally ingravidata, or cambri, by him:-- + + 'E nacquene un figliuol, dice la storia, + Che dette a Carlo-man poi gran vittoria:' + +which means . . ." + +"I don't want to know what it means," said Ursula; "no good, I'm sure. +Well, if the Meridiana of Charles's wain's pal was no handsomer than +Meridiana Borzlam, she was no great catch, brother; for though I am by no +means given to vanity, I think myself better to look at than she, though +I will say she is no lubbeny, and would scorn . . ." + +"I make no doubt she would, Ursula, and I make no doubt that you are much +handsomer than she, or even the Meridiana of Oliver. What I was about to +say, before you interrupted me, is this, that though I have a great +regard for you, and highly admire you, it is only in a brotherly way, and +. . ." + +"And you had nothing better to say to me," said Ursula, "when you wanted +to talk to me beneath a hedge, than that you liked me in a brotherly way! +well, I declare . . ." + +"You seem disappointed, Ursula." + +"Disappointed, brother! not I." + +"You were just now saying that you disliked gorgios, so, of course, could +only wish that I, who am a gorgio, should like you in a brotherly way; I +wished to have a conversation with you beneath a hedge, but only with the +view of procuring from you some information respecting the song which you +sung the other day, and the conduct of Roman females, which has always +struck me as being highly unaccountable, so, if you thought anything else +. . ." + +"What else should I expect from a picker-up of old words, brother? Bah! +I dislike a picker-up of old words worse than a picker-up of old rags." + +"Don't be angry, Ursula, I feel a great interest in you; you are very +handsome, and very clever; indeed, with your beauty and cleverness, I +only wonder that you have not long since been married." + +"You do, do you, brother?" + +"Yes. However, keep up your spirits, Ursula, you are not much past the +prime of youth, so . . ." + +"Not much past the prime of youth! Don't be uncivil, brother; I was only +twenty-two last month." + +"Don't be offended, Ursula, but twenty-two is twenty-two, or I should +rather say, that twenty-two in a woman is more than twenty-six in a man. +You are still very beautiful, but I advise you to accept the first offer +that's made to you." + +"Thank you, brother, but your advice comes rather late; I accepted the +first offer that was made me five years ago." + +"You married five years ago, Ursula! is it possible?" + +"Quite possible, brother, I assure you." + +"And how came I to know nothing about it?" + +"How comes it that you don't know many thousand things about the Romans, +brother? Do you think they tell you all their affairs?" + +"Married, Ursula, married! well, I declare!" + +"You seem disappointed, brother." + +"Disappointed! Oh, no! not at all; but Jasper, only a few weeks ago, +told me that you were not married; and, indeed, almost gave me to +understand that you would be very glad to get a husband." + +"And you believed him? I'll tell you, brother, for your instruction, +that there is not in the whole world a greater liar than Jasper +Petulengro." + +"I am sorry to hear it, Ursula; but with respect to him you married--who +might he be? A gorgio, or a Romany chal?" + +"Gorgio, or Romany chal? Do you think I would ever condescend to a +gorgio? It was a Camomescro, brother, a Lovell, a distant relation of my +own." + +"And where is he; and what became of him? Have you any family?" + +"Don't think I am going to tell you all my history, brother; and, to tell +you the truth, I am tired of sitting under hedges with you, talking +nonsense. I shall go to my house." + +"Do sit a little longer, sister Ursula. I most heartily congratulate you +on your marriage. But where is this same Lovell? I have never seen him: +I should wish to congratulate him too. You are quite as handsome as the +Meridiana of Pulci, Ursula, ay, or the Despina of Riciardetto. +Riciardetto, Ursula, is a poem written by one Fortiguerra, about ninety +years ago, in imitation of the Morgante of Pulci. It treats of the wars +of Charlemagne and his Paladins with various barbarous nations, who came +to besiege Paris. Despina was the daughter and heiress of Scricca, King +of Cafria; she was the beloved of Riciardetto, and was beautiful as an +angel; but I make no doubt you are quite as handsome as she." + +"Brother," said Ursula--but the reply of Ursula I reserve for another +chapter, the present having attained to rather an uncommon length, for +which, however, the importance of the matter discussed is a sufficient +apology. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + +URSULA'S TALE--THE PATTERAN--THE DEEP WATER--SECOND HUSBAND. + +"Brother," said Ursula, plucking a dandelion which grew at her feet, "I +have always said that a more civil and pleasant-spoken person than +yourself can't be found. I have a great regard for you and your +learning, and am willing to do you any pleasure in the way of words or +conversation. Mine is not a very happy story, but as you wish to hear +it, it is quite at your service. Launcelot Lovell made me an offer, as +you call it, and we were married in Roman fashion; that is, we gave each +other our right hands, and promised to be true to each other. We lived +together two years, travelling sometimes by ourselves, sometimes with our +relations; I bore him two children, both of which were still-born, +partly, I believe, from the fatigue I underwent in running about the +country telling dukkerin when I was not exactly in a state to do so, and +partly from the kicks and blows which my husband Launcelot was in the +habit of giving me every night, provided I came home with less than five +shillings, which it is sometimes impossible to make in the country, +provided no fair or merry-making is going on. At the end of two years my +husband, Launcelot, whistled a horse from a farmer's field, and sold it +for forty pounds; and for that horse he was taken, put in prison, tried, +and condemned to be sent to the other country for life. Two days before +he was to be sent away, I got leave to see him in the prison, and in the +presence of the turnkey I gave him a thin cake of gingerbread, in which +there was a dainty saw which could cut through iron. I then took on +wonderfully, turned my eyes inside out, fell down in a seeming fit, and +was carried out of the prison. That same night my husband sawed his +irons off, cut through the bars of his window, and dropping down a height +of fifty feet, lighted on his legs, and came and joined me on a heath +where I was camped alone. We were just getting things ready to be off, +when we heard people coming, and sure enough they were runners after my +husband, Launcelot Lovell; for his escape had been discovered within a +quarter of an hour after he had got away. My husband, without bidding me +farewell, set off at full speed, and they after him, but they could not +take him, and so they came back and took me, and shook me, and threatened +me, and had me before the poknees, who shook his head at me, and +threatened me in order to make me discover where my husband was, but I +said I did not know, which was true enough; not that I would have told +him if I had. So at last the poknees and the runners, not being able to +make anything out of me, were obliged to let me go, and I went in search +of my husband. I wandered about with my cart for several days in the +direction in which I saw him run off, with my eyes bent on the ground, +but could see no marks of him; at last, coming to four cross roads, I saw +my husband's patteran." + +"You saw your husband's patteran?" + +"Yes, brother. Do you know what patteran means?" + +"Of course, Ursula; the gypsy trail, the handful of grass which the +gypsies strew in the roads as they travel, to give information to any of +their companions who may be behind, as to the route they have taken. The +gypsy patteran has always had a strange interest for me, Ursula." + +"Like enough, brother; but what does patteran mean?" + +"Why, the gypsy trail, formed as I told you before." + +"And you know nothing more about patteran, brother?" + +"Nothing at all, Ursula; do you?" + +"What's the name for the leaf of a tree, brother?" + +"I don't know," said I; "it's odd enough that I have asked that question +of a dozen Romany chals and chies, and they always told me that they did +not know." + +"No more they did, brother; there's only one person in England that +knows, and that's myself--the name for a leaf is patteran. Now there are +two that knows it--the other is yourself." + +"Dear me, Ursula, how very strange! I am much obliged to you. I think I +never saw you look so pretty as you do now; but who told you?" + +"My mother, Mrs. Herne, told it me one day, brother, when she was in a +good humour, which she very seldom was, as no one has a better right to +know than yourself, as she hated you mortally: it was one day when you +had been asking our company what was the word for a leaf, and nobody +could tell you, that she took me aside and told me, for she was in a good +humour, and triumphed in seeing you balked. She told me the word for +leaf was patteran, which our people use now for trail, having forgotten +the true meaning. She said that the trail was called patteran, because +the gypsies of old were in the habit of making the marks with the leaves +and branches of trees, placed in a certain manner. She said that nobody +knew it but herself, who was one of the old sort, and begged me never to +tell the word to any one but him I should marry; and to be particularly +cautious never to let you know it, whom she hated. Well, brother, +perhaps I have done wrong to tell you; but, as I said before, I likes +you, and am always ready to do your pleasure in words and conversation; +my mother, moreover, is dead and gone, and, poor thing, will never know +anything about the matter. So, when I married, I told my husband about +the patteran, and we were in the habit of making our private trail with +leaves and branches of trees, which none of the other gypsy people did; +so, when I saw my husband's patteran, I knew it at once, and I followed +it upwards of two hundred miles towards the north; and then I came to a +deep, awful-looking water, with an overhanging bank, and on the bank I +found the patteran, which directed me to proceed along the bank towards +the east, and I followed my husband's patteran towards the east; and +before I had gone half a mile, I came to a place where I saw the bank had +given way, and fallen into the deep water. Without paying much heed, I +passed on, and presently came to a public-house, not far from the water, +and I entered the public-house to get a little beer, and perhaps to tell +a dukkerin, for I saw a great many people about the door; and, when I +entered, I found there was what they calls an inquest being held upon a +body in that house, and the jury had just risen to go and look at the +body; and being a woman, and having a curiosity, I thought I would go +with them, and so I did; and no sooner did I see the body than I knew it +to be my husband's; it was much swelled and altered, but I knew it partly +by the clothes, and partly by a mark on the forehead, and I cried out, +'It is my husband's body,' and I fell down in a fit, and the fit that +time, brother, was not a seeming one." + +"Dear me," said I, "how terrible! but tell me, Ursula, how did your +husband come by his death?" + +"The bank, overhanging the deep water, gave way under him, brother, and +he was drowned; for, like most of our people, he could not swim, or only +a little. The body, after it had been in the water a long time, came up +of itself, and was found floating. Well, brother, when the people of the +neighbourhood found that I was the wife of the drowned man, they were +very kind to me, and made a subscription for me, with which, after having +seen my husband buried, I returned the way I had come, till I met Jasper +and his people, and with them I have travelled ever since: I was very +melancholy for a long time, I assure you, brother; for the death of my +husband preyed very much upon my mind." + +"His death was certainly a very shocking one, Ursula; but, really, if he +had died a natural one, you could scarcely have regretted it, for he +appears to have treated you barbarously." + +"Women must bear, brother; and, barring that he kicked and beat me, and +drove me out to tell dukkerin when I could scarcely stand, he was not a +bad husband. A man, by gypsy law, brother, is allowed to kick and beat +his wife, and to bury her alive, if he thinks proper. I am a gypsy, and +have nothing to say against the law." + +"But what has Mikailia Chikno to say about it?" + +"She is a cripple, brother, the only cripple amongst the Roman people: so +she is allowed to do and say as she pleases. Moreover, her husband does +not think fit to kick or beat her, though it is my opinion she would like +him all the better if he were occasionally to do so, and threaten to bury +her alive; at any rate, she would treat him better, and respect him +more." + +"Your sister does not seem to stand much in awe of Jasper Petulengro, +Ursula." + +"Let the matters of my sister and Jasper Petulengro alone, brother; you +must travel in their company some time before you can understand them; +they are a strange two, up to all kind of chaffing: but two more regular +Romans don't breathe, and I'll tell you, for your instruction, that there +isn't a better mare-breaker in England than Jasper Petulengro, if you can +manage Miss Isopel Berners as well as . . ." + +"Isopel Berners," said I, "how came you to think of her?" + +"How should I but think of her, brother, living as she does with you in +Mumper's dingle, and travelling about with you; you will have, brother, +more difficulty to manage her, than Jasper has to manage my sister +Pakomovna. I should have mentioned her before, only I wanted to know +what you had to say to me; and when we got into discourse, I forgot her. +I say, brother, let me tell you your dukkerin, with respect to her, you +will never, . ." + +"I want to hear no dukkerin, Ursula." + +"Do let me tell you your dukkerin, brother, you will never manage . . ." + +"I want to hear no dukkerin, Ursula, in connection with Isopel Berners. +Moreover, it is Sunday, we will change the subject; it is surprising to +me that, after all you have undergone, you should still look so +beautiful. I suppose you do not think of marrying again, Ursula?" + +"No, brother, one husband at a time is quite enough for any reasonable +mort; especially such a good husband as I have got." + +"Such a good husband! why, I thought you told me your husband was +drowned?" + +"Yes, brother, my first husband was." + +"And have you a second?" + +"To be sure, brother." + +"And who is he, in the name of wonder?" + +"Who is he? why Sylvester, to be sure." + +"I do assure you, Ursula, that I feel disposed to be angry with you; such +a handsome young woman as yourself to take up with such a nasty pepper- +faced good-for-nothing . . ." + +"I won't hear my husband abused, brother; so you had better say no more." + +"Why, is he not the Lazarus of the gypsies? has he a penny of his own, +Ursula?" + +"Then the more his want, brother, of a clever chi like me to take care of +him and his childer. I tell you what, brother, I will chore, if +necessary, and tell dukkerin for Sylvester, if even so heavy as scarcely +to be able to stand. You call him lazy; you would not think him lazy if +you were in a ring with him; he is a proper man with his hands: Jasper is +going to back him for twenty pounds against Slammocks of the Chong gav, +the brother of Roarer and Bell-metal; he says he has no doubt that he +will win." + +"Well, if you like him, I, of course, can have no objection. Have you +been long married?" + +"About a fortnight, brother; that dinner, the other day, when I sang the +song, was given in celebration of the wedding." + +"Were you married in a church, Ursula?" + +"We were not, brother; none but gorgios, cripples, and lubbenys are ever +married in a church: we took each other's words. Brother, I have been +with you near three hours beneath this hedge. I will go to my husband." + +"Does he know that you are here?" + +"He does, brother." + +"And is he satisfied?" + +"Satisfied! of course. Lor', you gorgios! Brother, I go to my husband +and my house." And, thereupon, Ursula rose and departed. + +After waiting a little time I also arose; it was now dark, and I thought +I could do no better than betake myself to the dingle; at the entrance of +it I found Mr. Petulengro. "Well, brother," said he, "what kind of +conversation have you and Ursula had beneath the hedge?" + +"If you wished to hear what we were talking about, you should have come +and sat down beside us; you knew where we were." + +"Well, brother, I did much the same, for I went and sat down behind you." + +"Behind the hedge, Jasper?" + +"Behind the hedge, brother." + +"And heard all our conversation?" + +"Every word, brother; and a rum conversation it was." + +"'Tis an old saying, Jasper, that listeners never hear any good of +themselves; perhaps you heard the epithet that Ursula bestowed upon you." + +"If, by epitaph, you mean that she called me a liar, I did, brother, and +she was not much wrong, for I certainly do not always stick exactly to +truth; you, however, have not much to complain of me." + +"You deceived me about Ursula, giving me to understand she was not +married." + +"She was not married when I told you so, brother; that is, not to +Sylvester; nor was I aware that she was going to marry him. I once +thought you had a kind of regard for her, and I am sure she had as much +for you as a Romany chi can have for a gorgio. I half expected to have +heard you make love to her behind the hedge, but I begin to think you +care for nothing in this world but old words and strange stories. Lor', +to take a young woman under a hedge, and talk to her as you did to +Ursula; and yet you got everything out of her that you wanted, with your +gammon about old Fulcher and Meridiana. You are a cunning one, brother." + +"There you are mistaken, Jasper. I am not cunning. If people think I +am, it is because, being made up of art themselves, simplicity of +character is a puzzle to them. Your women are certainly extraordinary +creatures, Jasper." + +"Didn't I say they were rum animals? Brother, we Romans shall always +stick together as long as they stick fast to us." + +"Do you think they always will, Jasper?" + +"Can't say, brother; nothing lasts for ever. Romany chies are Romany +chies still, though not exactly what they were sixty years ago. My wife, +though a rum one, is not Mrs. Herne, brother. I think she is rather fond +of Frenchmen and French discourse. I tell you what, brother, if ever +gypsyism breaks up, it will be owing to our chies having been bitten by +that mad puppy they calls gentility." + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + +THE DINGLE AT NIGHT--THE TWO SIDES OF THE QUESTION--ROMAN FEMALES--FILLING +THE KETTLE--THE DREAM--THE TALL FIGURE. + +I descended to the bottom of the dingle. It was nearly involved in +obscurity. To dissipate the feeling of melancholy which came over my +mind, I resolved to kindle a fire; and having heaped dry sticks upon my +hearth, and added a billet or two, I struck a light, and soon produced a +blaze. Sitting down, I fixed my eyes upon the blaze, and soon fell into +a deep meditation. I thought of the events of the day, the scene at +church, and what I had heard at church, the danger of losing one's soul, +the doubts of Jasper Petulengro as to whether one had a soul. I thought +over the various arguments which I had either heard, or which had come +spontaneously to my mind, for or against the probability of a state of +future existence. They appeared to me to be tolerably evenly balanced. I +then thought that it was at all events taking the safest part to conclude +that there was a soul. It would be a terrible thing, after having passed +one's life in the disbelief of the existence of a soul, to wake up after +death a soul, and to find one's self a lost soul. Yes, methought I would +come to the conclusion that one has a soul. Choosing the safe side, +however, appeared to me playing rather a dastardly part. I had never +been an admirer of people who chose the safe side in everything; indeed I +had always entertained a thorough contempt for them. Surely it would be +showing more manhood to adopt the dangerous side, that of disbelief; I +almost resolved to do so--but yet in a question of so much importance, I +ought not to be guided by vanity. The question was not which was the +safe, but the true side? yet how was I to know which was the true side? +Then I thought of the Bible--which I had been reading in the morning--that +spoke of the soul and a future state; but was the Bible true? I had +heard learned and moral men say that it was true, but I had also heard +learned and moral men say that it was not: how was I to decide? Still +that balance of probabilities! If I could but see the way of truth, I +would follow it, if necessary, upon hands and knees; on that I was +determined; but I could not see it. Feeling my brain begin to turn +round, I resolved to think of something else; and forthwith began to +think of what had passed between Ursula and myself in our discourse +beneath the hedge. + +I mused deeply on what she had told me as to the virtue of the females of +her race. How singular that virtue must be which was kept pure and +immaculate by the possessor, whilst indulging in habits of falsehood and +dishonesty. I had always thought the gypsy females extraordinary beings. +I had often wondered at them, their dress, their manner of speaking, and, +not least, at their names; but, until the present day, I had been +unacquainted with the most extraordinary point connected with them. How +came they possessed of this extraordinary virtue? was it because they +were thievish? I remembered that an ancient thief-taker, who had retired +from his useful calling, and who frequently visited the office of my +master at law, the respectable S . . ., who had the management of his +property--I remembered to have heard this worthy, with whom I +occasionally held discourse, philosophic and profound, when he and I +chanced to be alone together in the office, say that all first-rate +thieves were sober, and of well-regulated morals, their bodily passions +being kept in abeyance by their love of gain; but this axiom could +scarcely hold good with respect to these women--however thievish they +might be, they did care for something besides gain: they cared for their +husbands. If they did thieve, they merely thieved for their husbands; +and though, perhaps, some of them were vain, they merely prized their +beauty because it gave them favour in the eyes of their husbands. +Whatever the husbands were--and Jasper had almost insinuated that the +males occasionally allowed themselves some latitude--they appeared to be +as faithful to their husbands as the ancient Roman matrons were to +theirs. Roman matrons! and, after all, might not these be in reality +Roman matrons? They called themselves Romans; might not they be the +descendants of the old Roman matrons? Might not they be of the same +blood as Lucretia? And were not many of their strange names--Lucretia +amongst the rest--handed down to them from old Rome? It is true their +language was not that of old Rome; it was not, however, altogether +different from it. After all, the ancient Romans might be a tribe of +these people, who settled down and founded a village with the tilts of +carts, which by degrees, and the influx of other people, became the grand +city of the world. I liked the idea of the grand city of the world owing +its origin to a people who had been in the habit of carrying their houses +in their carts. Why, after all, should not the Romans of history be a +branch of these Romans? There were several points of similarity between +them; if Roman matrons were chaste, both men and women were thieves. Old +Rome was the thief of the world; yet still there were difficulties to be +removed before I could persuade myself that the old Romans and my Romans +were identical; and in trying to remove these difficulties, I felt my +brain once more beginning to turn, and in haste took up another subject +of meditation, and that was the patteran, and what Ursula had told me +about it. + +I had always entertained a strange interest for that sign by which in +their wanderings the Romanese gave to those of their people who came +behind intimation as to the direction which they took; but it now +inspired me with greater interest than ever,--now that I had learned that +the proper meaning of it was the leaves of trees. I had, as I had said +in my dialogue with Ursula, been very eager to learn the word for leaf in +the Romanian language, but had never learned it till this day; so +patteran signified leaf, the leaf of a tree; and no one at present knew +that but myself and Ursula, who had learned it from Mrs. Herne, the last, +it was said, of the old stock; and then I thought what strange people the +gypsies must have been in the old time. They were sufficiently strange +at present, but they must have been far stranger of old; they must have +been a more peculiar people--their language must have been more +perfect--and they must have had a greater stock of strange secrets. I +almost wished that I had lived some two or three hundred years ago, that +I might have observed these people when they were yet stranger than at +present. I wondered whether I could have introduced myself to their +company at that period, whether I should have been so fortunate as to +meet such a strange, half-malicious, half good-humoured being as Jasper, +who would have instructed me in the language, then more deserving of note +than at present. What might I not have done with that language, had I +known it in its purity? Why, I might have written books in it; yet those +who spoke it would hardly have admitted me to their society at that +period, when they kept more to themselves. Yet I thought that I might +possibly have gained their confidence, and have wandered about with them, +and learned their language, and all their strange ways, and then--and +then--and a sigh rose from the depth of my breast; for I began to think, +"Supposing I had accomplished all this, what would have been the profit +of it? and in what would all this wild gypsy dream have terminated?" + +Then rose another sigh, yet more profound, for I began to think, "What +was likely to be the profit of my present way of life; the living in +dingles, making pony and donkey shoes, conversing with gypsy-women under +hedges, and extracting from them their odd secrets?" What was likely to +be the profit of such a kind of life, even should it continue for a +length of time?--a supposition not very probable, for I was earning +nothing to support me, and the funds with which I had entered upon this +life were gradually disappearing. I was living, it is true, not +unpleasantly, enjoying the healthy air of heaven; but, upon the whole, +was I not sadly misspending my time? Surely I was; and, as I looked +back, it appeared to me that I had always been doing so. What had been +the profit of the tongues which I had learned? had they ever assisted me +in the day of hunger? No, no! it appeared to me that I had always +misspent my time, save in one instance, when by a desperate effort I had +collected all the powers of my imagination, and written the "Life of +Joseph Sell;" but even when I wrote the Life of Sell, was I not in a +false position? Provided I had not misspent my time, would it have been +necessary to make that effort, which, after all, had only enabled me to +leave London, and wander about the country for a time? But could I, +taking all circumstances into consideration, have done better than I had? +With my peculiar temperament and ideas, could I have pursued with +advantage the profession to which my respectable parents had endeavoured +to bring me up? It appeared to me that I could not, and that the hand of +necessity had guided me from my earliest years, until the present night +in which I found myself seated in the dingle, staring on the brands of +the fire. But ceasing to think of the past which, as irrecoverably gone, +it was useless to regret, even were there cause to regret it, what should +I do in future? Should I write another book like the Life of Joseph +Sell; take it to London, and offer it to a publisher? But when I +reflected on the grisly sufferings which I had undergone whilst engaged +in writing the Life of Sell, I shrank from the idea of a similar attempt; +moreover, I doubted whether I possessed the power to write a similar +work--whether the materials for the life of another Sell lurked within +the recesses of my brain? Had I not better become in reality what I had +hitherto been merely playing at--a tinker or a gypsy? But I soon saw +that I was not fitted to become either in reality. It was much more +agreeable to play the gypsy or the tinker, than to become either in +reality. I had seen enough of gypsying and tinkering to be convinced of +that. All of a sudden the idea of tilling the soil came into my head; +tilling the soil was a healthful and noble pursuit! but my idea of +tilling the soil had no connection with Britain; for I could only expect +to till the soil in Britain as a serf. I thought of tilling it in +America, in which it was said there was plenty of wild, unclaimed land, +of which any one, who chose to clear it of its trees, might take +possession. I figured myself in America, in an immense forest, clearing +the land destined, by my exertions, to become a fruitful and smiling +plain. Methought I heard the crash of the huge trees as they fell +beneath my axe; and then I bethought me that a man was intended to +marry--I ought to marry; and if I married, where was I likely to be more +happy as a husband and a father than in America, engaged in tilling the +ground? I fancied myself in America, engaged in tilling the ground, +assisted by an enormous progeny. Well, why not marry, and go and till +the ground in America? I was young, and youth was the time to marry in, +and to labour in. I had the use of all my faculties; my eyes, it is +true, were rather dull from early study, and from writing the Life of +Joseph Sell; but I could see tolerably well with them, and they were not +bleared. I felt my arms, and thighs, and teeth--they were strong and +sound enough; so now was the time to labour, to marry, eat strong flesh, +and beget strong children--the power of doing all this would pass away +with youth, which was terribly transitory. I bethought me that a time +would come when my eyes would be bleared, and, perhaps, sightless; my +arms and thighs strengthless and sapless; when my teeth would shake in my +jaws, even supposing they did not drop out. No going a wooing then--no +labouring--no eating strong flesh, and begetting lusty children then; and +I bethought me how, when all this should be, I should bewail the days of +my youth as misspent, provided I had not in them founded for myself a +home, and begotten strong children to take care of me in the days when I +could not take care of myself; and thinking of these things, I became +sadder and sadder, and stared vacantly upon the fire till my eyes closed +in a doze. + +I continued dozing over the fire, until rousing myself I perceived that +the brands were nearly consumed, and I thought of retiring for the night. +I arose, and was about to enter my tent, when a thought struck me. +"Suppose," thought I, "that Isopel Berners should return in the midst of +the night, how dark and dreary would the dingle appear without a fire! +truly, I will keep up the fire, and I will do more; I have no board to +spread for her, but I will fill the kettle, and heat it, so that if she +comes, I may be able to welcome her with a cup of tea, for I know she +loves tea." Thereupon, I piled more wood upon the fire, and soon +succeeded in producing a better blaze than before; then, taking the +kettle, I set out for the spring. On arriving at the mouth of the +dingle, which fronted the east, I perceived that Charles's wain was +nearly opposite to it, high above in the heavens, by which I knew that +the night was tolerably well advanced. The gypsy encampment lay before +me; all was hushed and still within it, and its inmates appeared to be +locked in slumber; as I advanced, however, the dogs, which were fastened +outside the tents, growled and barked; but presently recognising me, they +were again silent, some of them wagging their tails. As I drew near a +particular tent, I heard a female voice say--"Some one is coming!" and, +as I was about to pass it, the cloth which formed the door was suddenly +lifted up, and a black head and part of a huge naked body protruded. It +was the head and upper part of the giant Tawno, who, according to the +fashion of gypsy men, lay next the door, wrapped in his blanket; the +blanket had, however, fallen off, and the starlight shone clear on his +athletic tawny body, and was reflected from his large staring eyes. + +"It is only I, Tawno," said I, "going to fill the kettle, as it is +possible that Miss Berners may arrive this night." "Kos-ko," drawled out +Tawno, and replaced the curtain. "Good, do you call it?" said the sharp +voice of his wife; "there is no good in the matter; if that young chap +were not living with the rawnee in the illegal and uncertificated line, +he would not be getting up in the middle of the night to fill her +kettles." Passing on, I proceeded to the spring, where I filled the +kettle, and then returned to the dingle. + +Placing the kettle upon the fire, I watched it till it began to boil; +then removing it from the top of the brands, I placed it close beside the +fire, and leaving it simmering, I retired to my tent; where, having taken +off my shoes, and a few of my garments, I lay down on my palliasse, and +was not long in falling asleep. I believe I slept soundly for some time, +thinking and dreaming of nothing; suddenly, however, my sleep became +disturbed, and the subject of the patterans began to occupy my brain. I +imagined that I saw Ursula tracing her husband, Launcelot Lovell, by +means of his patterans; I imagined that she had considerable difficulty +in doing so; that she was occasionally interrupted by parish beadles and +constables, who asked her whither she was travelling, to whom she gave +various answers. Presently me thought that, as she was passing by a farm- +yard, two fierce and savage dogs flew at her; I was in great trouble, I +remember, and wished to assist her, but could not, for though I seemed to +see her, I was still at a distance: and now it appeared that she had +escaped from the dogs, and was proceeding with her cart along a gravelly +path which traversed a wild moor; I could hear the wheels grating amidst +sand and gravel. The next moment I was awake, and found myself sitting +up in my tent; there was a glimmer of light through the canvas caused by +the fire; a feeling of dread came over me, which was perhaps natural, on +starting suddenly from one's sleep in that wild lone place; I half +imagined that some one was nigh the tent; the idea made me rather +uncomfortable, and to dissipate it I lifted up the canvas of the door and +peeped out, and, lo! I had an indistinct view of a tall figure standing +by the tent. "Who is that?" said I, whilst I felt my blood rush to my +heart. "It is I," said the voice of Isopel Berners; "you little expected +me, I dare say; well, sleep on, I do not wish to disturb you." "But I +was expecting you," said I, recovering myself, "as you may see by the +fire and the kettle. I will be with you in a moment." + +Putting on in haste the articles of dress which I had flung off, I came +out of the tent, and addressing myself to Isopel, who was standing beside +her cart, I said--"Just as I was about to retire to rest I thought it +possible that you might come to-night, and got everything in readiness +for you. Now, sit down by the fire whilst I lead the donkey and cart to +the place where you stay; I will unharness the animal, and presently come +and join you." "I need not trouble you," said Isopel; "I will go myself +and see after my things." "We will go together," said I, "and then +return and have some tea." Isopel made no objection, and in about half- +an-hour we had arranged everything at her quarters, I then hastened and +prepared tea. Presently Isopel rejoined me, bringing her stool; she had +divested herself of her bonnet, and her hair fell over her shoulders; she +sat down, and I poured out the beverage, handing her a cup. "Have you +made a long journey to-night?" said I. "A very long one," replied Belle, +"I have come nearly twenty miles since six o'clock." "I believe I heard +you coming in my sleep," said I; "did the dogs above bark at you?" "Yes," +said Isopel, "very violently; did you think of me in your sleep?" "No," +said I, "I was thinking of Ursula and something she had told me." "When +and where was that?" said Isopel. "Yesterday evening," said I, "beneath +the dingle hedge." "Then you were talking with her beneath the hedge?" +"I was," said I, "but only upon gypsy matters. Do you know, Belle, that +she has just been married to Sylvester, so you need not think that she +and I . . ." "She and you are quite at liberty to sit where you please," +said Isopel. "However, young man," she continued, dropping her tone, +which she had slightly raised, "I believe what you said, that you were +merely talking about gypsy matters, and also what you were going to say, +if it was, as I suppose, that she and you had no particular +acquaintance." Isopel was now silent for some time. "What are you +thinking of?" said I. "I was thinking," said Belle, "how exceedingly +kind it was of you to get everything in readiness for me, though you did +not know that I should come." "I had a presentiment that you would +come," said I; "but you forget that I have prepared the kettle for you +before, though it was true I was then certain that you would come." "I +had not forgotten your doing so, young man," said Belle; "but I was +beginning to think that you were utterly selfish, caring for nothing but +the gratification of your own strange whims." "I am very fond of having +my own way," said I, "but utterly selfish I am not, as I dare say I shall +frequently prove to you. You will often find the kettle boiling when you +come home." "Not heated by you," said Isopel, with a sigh. "By whom +else?" said I; "surely you are not thinking of driving me away?" "You +have as much right here as myself," said Isopel, "as I have told you +before; but I must be going myself." "Well," said I, "we can go +together; to tell you the truth, I am rather tired of this place." "Our +paths must be separate," said Belle. "Separate," said I, "what do you +mean? I shan't let you go alone, I shall go with you; and you know the +road is as free to me as to you; besides, you can't think of parting +company with me, considering how much you would lose by doing so; +remember that you scarcely know anything of the Armenian language; now, +to learn Armenian from me would take you twenty years." + +Belle faintly smiled. "Come," said I, "take another cup of tea." Belle +took another cup of tea, and yet another; we had some indifferent +conversation, after which I arose and gave her donkey a considerable feed +of corn. Belle thanked me, shook me by the hand, and then went to her +own tabernacle, and I returned to mine. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + +VISIT TO THE LANDLORD--HIS MORTIFICATIONS--HUNTER AND HIS +CLAN--RESOLUTION. + +On the following morning, after breakfasting with Belle, who was silent +and melancholy, I left her in the dingle, and took a stroll among the +neighbouring lanes. After some time I thought I would pay a visit to the +landlord of the public-house, whom I had not seen since the day when he +communicated to me his intention of changing his religion. I therefore +directed my steps to the house, and on entering it found the landlord +standing in the kitchen. Just then two mean-looking fellows, who had +been drinking at one of the tables, and who appeared to be the only +customers in the house, got up, brushed past the landlord, and saying in +a surly tone "We shall pay you some time or other," took their departure. +"That's the way they serve me now," said the landlord, with a sigh. "Do +you know those fellows," I demanded, "since you let them go away in your +debt?" "I know nothing about them," said the landlord, "save that they +are a couple of scamps." "Then why did you let them go away without +paying you?" said I. "I had not the heart to stop them," said the +landlord; "and, to tell you the truth, everybody serves me so now, and I +suppose they are right, for a child could flog me." "Nonsense," said I, +"behave more like a man, and with respect to those two fellows run after +them, I will go with you, and if they refuse to pay the reckoning I will +help you to shake some money out of their clothes." "Thank you," said +the landlord; "but as they are gone, let them go on. What they have +drank is not of much consequence." "What is the matter with you?" said +I, staring at the landlord, who appeared strangely altered; his features +were wild and haggard, his formerly bluff cheeks were considerably sunken +in, and his figure had lost much of its plumpness. "Have you changed +your religion already, and has the fellow in black commanded you to +fast?" "I have not changed my religion yet," said the landlord, with a +kind of shudder; "I am to change it publicly this day fortnight, and the +idea of doing so--I do not mind telling you--preys much upon my mind; +moreover, the noise of the thing has got abroad, and everybody is +laughing at me, and what's more, coming and drinking my beer, and going +away without paying for it, whilst I feel myself like one bewitched, +wishing but not daring to take my own part. Confound the fellow in +black, I wish I had never seen him! yet what can I do without him? The +brewer swears that unless I pay him fifty pounds within a fortnight he'll +send a distress warrant into the house, and take all I have. My poor +niece is crying in the room above; and I am thinking of going into the +stable and hanging myself; and perhaps it's the best thing I can do, for +it's better to hang myself before selling my soul than afterwards, as I'm +sure I should, like Judas Iscariot, whom my poor niece, who is somewhat +religiously inclined, has been talking to me about." "I wish I could +assist you," said I, "with money, but that is quite out of my power. +However, I can give you a piece of advice. Don't change your religion by +any means; you can't hope to prosper if you do; and if the brewer chooses +to deal hardly with you, let him. Everybody would respect you ten times +more provided you allowed yourself to be turned into the roads rather +than change your religion, than if you got fifty pounds for renouncing +it." "I am half inclined to take your advice," said the landlord, "only, +to tell you the truth, I feel quite low, without any heart in me." "Come +into the bar," said I, "and let us have something together--you need not +be afraid of my not paying for what I order." + +We went into the bar-room, where the landlord and I discussed between us +two bottles of strong ale, which he said were part of the last six which +he had in his possession. At first he wished to drink sherry, but I +begged him to do no such thing, telling him that sherry would do him no +good, under the present circumstances; nor, indeed, to the best of my +belief under any, it being of all wines the one for which I entertained +the most contempt. The landlord allowed himself to be dissuaded, and, +after a glass or two of ale, confessed that sherry was a sickly +disagreeable drink, and that he had merely been in the habit of taking it +from an idea he had that it was genteel. Whilst quaffing our beverage, +he gave me an account of the various mortifications to which he had of +late been subject, dwelling with particular bitterness on the conduct of +Hunter, who, he said, came every night and mouthed him, and afterwards +went away without paying for what he had drank or smoked, in which +conduct he was closely imitated by a clan of fellows who constantly +attended him. After spending several hours at the public-house I +departed, not forgetting to pay for the two bottles of ale. The +landlord, before I went, shaking me by the hand, declared that he had now +made up his mind to stick to his religion at all hazards, the more +especially as he was convinced he should derive no good by giving it up. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + +PREPARATIONS FOR THE FAIR--THE LAST LESSON--THE VERB SIRIEL. + +It might be about five in the evening when I reached the gypsy +encampment. Here I found Mr. Petulengro, Tawno Chikno, Sylvester, and +others, in a great bustle, clipping and trimming certain ponies and old +horses which they had brought with them. On inquiring of Jasper the +reason of their being so engaged, he informed me that they were getting +the horses ready for a fair, which was to be held on the morrow, at a +place some miles distant, at which they should endeavour to dispose of +them, adding--"Perhaps, brother, you will go with us, provided you have +nothing better to do?" Not having any particular engagement, I assured +him that I should have great pleasure in being of the party. It was +agreed that we should start early on the following morning. Thereupon I +descended into the dingle. Belle was sitting before the fire, at which +the kettle was boiling. "Were you waiting for me?" I inquired. "Yes," +said Belle, "I thought that you would come, and I waited for you." "That +was very kind," said I. "Not half so kind," said she, "as it was of you +to get everything ready for me in the dead of last night, when there was +scarcely a chance of my coming." The tea-things were brought forward, +and we sat down. "Have you been far?" said Belle. "Merely to that +public-house," said I, "to which you directed me on the second day of our +acquaintance." "Young men should not make a habit of visiting public- +houses," said Belle, "they are bad places." "They may be so to some +people," said I, "but I do not think the worst public-house in England +could do me any harm." "Perhaps you are so bad already," said Belle, +with a smile, "that it would be impossible to spoil you." "How dare you +catch at my words?" said I; "come, I will make you pay for doing so--you +shall have this evening the longest lesson in Armenian which I have yet +inflicted upon you." "You may well say inflicted," said Belle, "but pray +spare me. I do not wish to hear anything about Armenian, especially this +evening." "Why this evening?" said I. Belle made no answer. "I will +not spare you," said I; "this evening I intend to make you conjugate an +Armenian verb." "Well, be it so," said Belle; "for this evening you +shall command." "To command is hramahyel," said I. "Ram her ill, +indeed," said Belle; "I do not wish to begin with that." "No," said I, +"as we have come to the verbs, we will begin regularly; hramahyel is a +verb of the second conjugation. We will begin with the first." "First +of all tell me," said Belle, "what a verb is?" "A part of speech," said +I, "which, according to the dictionary, signifies some action or passion; +for example, I command you, or I hate you." "I have given you no cause +to hate me," said Belle, looking me sorrowfully in the face. + +"I was merely giving two examples," said I, "and neither was directed at +you. In those examples, to command and hate are verbs. Belle, in +Armenian there are four conjugations of verbs; the first end in al, the +second in yel, the third in oul, and the fourth in il. Now, have you +understood me?" + +"I am afraid, indeed, it will all end ill," said Belle. "Hold your +tongue," said I, "or you will make me lose my patience." "You have +already made me nearly lose mine," said Belle. "Let us have no +unprofitable interruptions," said I. "The conjugations of the Armenian +verbs are neither so numerous nor so difficult as the declensions of the +nouns; hear that, and rejoice. Come, we will begin with the verb hntal, +a verb of the first conjugation, which signifies to rejoice. Come along; +hntam, I rejoice; hntas, thou rejoicest: why don't you follow, Belle?" + +"I am sure I don't rejoice, whatever you may do," said Belle. "The chief +difficulty, Belle," said I, "that I find in teaching you the Armenian +grammar, proceeds from your applying to yourself and me every example I +give. Rejoice, in this instance, is merely an example of an Armenian +verb of the first conjugation, and has no more to do with your rejoicing +than lal, which is also a verb of the first conjugation, and which +signifies to weep, would have to do with your weeping, provided I made +you conjugate it. Come along; hntam, I rejoice; hntas, thou rejoicest; +hnta, he rejoices; hntamk, we rejoice: now, repeat those words." + +"I can't," said Belle, "they sound more like the language of horses than +of human beings. Do you take me for . . .?" "For what?" said I. Belle +was silent. "Were you going to say mare?" said I. "Mare! mare! by-the- +bye, do you know, Belle, that mare in old English stands for woman; and +that when we call a female an evil mare, the strict meaning of the term +is merely bad woman. So if I were to call you mare, without prefixing +bad, you must not be offended." "But I should, though," said Belle. "I +was merely attempting to make you acquainted with a philological fact," +said I. "If mare, which in old English, and likewise in vulgar English, +signifies a woman, sounds the same as mare, which in modern and polite +English signifies a female horse, I can't help it. There is no such +confusion of sounds in Armenian, not, at least, in the same instance. +Belle, in Armenian, woman is ghin, the same word, by-the-bye, a sour +queen, whereas mare is madagh tzi, which signifies a female horse; and +perhaps you will permit me to add, that a hard-mouthed jade is, in +Armenian, madagh tzi hsdierah." + +"I can't bear this much longer," said Belle. "Keep yourself quiet," said +I; "I wish to be gentle with you; and to convince you, we will skip +hntal, and also for the present verbs of the first conjugation, and +proceed to the second. Belle, I will now select for you to conjugate the +prettiest verb in Armenian; not only of the second, but also of all the +four conjugations; that is siriel. Here is the present tense:--siriem, +siries, sire, siriemk, sirek, sirien. You observe that it runs on just +in the same manner as hntal, save and except that e is substituted for a; +and it will be as well to tell you that almost the only difference +between the second, third, and fourth conjugations, and the first, is the +substituting in the present, preterite, and other tenses e, or ou, or i +for a; so you see that the Armenian verbs are by no means difficult. Come +on, Belle, and say siriem." Belle hesitated. "Pray oblige me, Belle, by +saying siriem!" Belle still appeared to hesitate. "You must admit, +Belle, that it is much softer than hntam." "It is so," said Belle; "and +to oblige you, I will say siriem." "Very well indeed, Belle," said I. +"No vartabied, or doctor, could have pronounced it better; and now, to +show you how verbs act upon pronouns in Armenian, I will say siriem +zkiez. Please to repeat siriem zkiez!" "Siriem zkiez!" said Belle; +"that last word is very hard to say." "Sorry that you think so, Belle," +said I. "Now please to say siria zis." Belle did so. "Exceedingly +well," said I. "Now say yerani the sireir zis." "Yerani the sireir +zis," said Belle. "Capital!" said I; "you have now said, I love you--love +me--ah! would that you would love me!" + +"And I have said all these things?" said Belle. "Yes," said I; "you have +said them in Armenian." "I would have said them in no language that I +understood," said Belle; "and it was very wrong of you to take advantage +of my ignorance, and make me say such things." "Why so?" said I; "if you +said them, I said them too." "You did so," said Belle; "but I believe +you were merely bantering and jeering." "As I told you before, Belle," +said I, "the chief difficulty which I find in teaching you Armenian +proceeds from your persisting in applying to yourself and me every +example I give." "Then you meant nothing after all?" said Belle, raising +her voice. "Let us proceed," said I; "sirietsi, I loved." "You never +loved any one but yourself," said Belle; "and what's more . . ." +"Sirietsits, I will love," said I; "sirietsies, thou wilt love." "Never +one so thoroughly heartless," said Belle. "I tell you what, Belle, you +are becoming intolerable, but we will change the verb; or rather I will +now proceed to tell you here, that some of the Armenian conjugations have +their anomalies; one species of these I wish to bring before your notice. +As old Villotte says--from whose work I first contrived to pick up the +rudiments of Armenian--'Est verborum transitivorum, quorum infinitivus +. . .' but I forgot, you don't understand Latin. He says there are certain +transitive verbs, whose infinitive is in outsaniel; the preterite in +outsi; the imperative in oue; for example--parghatsoutsaniem, I irritate +. . ." + +"You do, you do," said Belle; "and it will be better for both of us if +you leave off doing so." + +"You would hardly believe, Belle," said I, "that the Armenian is in some +respects closely connected with the Irish, but so it is; for example, +that word parghatsoutsaniem is evidently derived from the same root as +feargaim, which, in Irish, is as much as to say I vex." + +"You do, indeed," said Belle, sobbing. + +"But how do you account for it?" + +"O man, man!" said Belle, bursting into tears, "for what purpose do you +ask a poor ignorant girl such a question, unless it be to vex and +irritate her? If you wish to display your learning, do so to the wise +and instructed, and not to me, who can scarcely read or write. Oh, leave +off your nonsense; yet I know you will not do so, for it is the breath of +your nostrils! I could have wished we should have parted in kindness, +but you will not permit it. I have deserved better at your hands than +such treatment. The whole time we have kept company together in this +place, I have scarcely had one kind word from you, but the strangest" +. . . and here the voice of Belle was drowned in her sobs. + +"I am sorry to see you take on so, dear Belle," said I. "I really have +given you no cause to be so unhappy; surely teaching you a little +Armenian was a very innocent kind of diversion." + +"Yes, but you went on so long, and in such a strange way, and made me +repeat such strange examples, as you call them, that I could not bear +it." + +"Why, to tell you the truth, Belle, it's my way; and I have dealt with +you just as I would with . . ." + +"A hard-mouthed jade," said Belle, "and you practising your +horse-witchery upon her. I have been of an unsubdued spirit, I +acknowledge, but I was always kind to you; and if you have made me cry, +it's a poor thing to boast of." + +"Boast of!" said I; "a pretty thing indeed to boast of; I had no idea of +making you cry. Come, I beg your pardon; what more can I do? Come, +cheer up, Belle. You were talking of parting; don't let us part, but +depart, and that together." + +"Our ways lie different," said Belle. + +"I don't see why they should," said I. "Come, let us be off to America +together!" + +"To America together?" said Belle, looking full at me. + +"Yes," said I; "where we will settle down in some forest, and conjugate +the verb siriel conjugally." + +"Conjugally?" said Belle. + +"Yes," said I; "as man and wife in America, air yew ghin." + +"You are jesting, as usual," said Belle. + +"Not I, indeed. Come, Belle, make up your mind, and let us be off to +America; and leave priests, humbug, learning, and languages behind us." + +"I don't think you are jesting," said Belle; "but I can hardly entertain +your offers; however, young man, I thank you." + +"You had better make up your mind at once," said I, "and let us be off. I +shan't make a bad husband, I assure you. Perhaps you think I am not +worthy of you? To convince you, Belle, that I am, I am ready to try a +fall with you this moment upon the grass. Brynhilda, the valkyrie, swore +that no one should marry her who could not fling her down. Perhaps you +have done the same. The man who eventually married her, got a friend of +his, who was called Sygurd, the serpent-killer, to wrestle with her, +disguising him in his own armour. Sygurd flung her down, and won her for +his friend, though he loved her himself. I shall not use a similar +deceit, nor employ Jasper Petulengro to personate me--so get up, Belle, +and I will do my best to fling you down." + +"I require no such thing of you, or anybody," said Belle; "you are +beginning to look rather wild." + +"I every now and then do," said I; "come, Belle, what do you say?" + +"I will say nothing at present on the subject," said Belle; "I must have +time to consider." + +"Just as you please," said I; "to-morrow I go to a fair with Mr. +Petulengro, perhaps you will consider whilst I am away. Come, Belle, let +us have some more tea. I wonder whether we shall be able to procure tea +as good as this in the American forest." + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + +THE DAWN OF DAY--THE LAST FAREWELL--DEPARTURE FOR THE FAIR--THE FINE +HORSE--RETURN TO THE DINGLE--NO ISOPEL. + +It was about the dawn of day when I was awakened by the voice of Mr. +Petulengro shouting from the top of the dingle, and bidding me get up. I +arose instantly, and dressed myself for the expedition to the fair. On +leaving my tent, I was surprised to observe Belle, entirely dressed, +standing close to her own little encampment. "Dear me," said I, "I +little expected to find you up so early. I suppose Jasper's call +awakened you, as it did me." "I merely lay down in my things," said +Belle, "and have not slept during the night." "And why did you not take +off your things and go to sleep?" said I. "I did not undress," said +Belle, "because I wished to be in readiness to bid you farewell when you +departed; and as for sleeping, I could not." "Well, God bless you!" said +I, taking Belle by the hand. Belle made no answer, and I observed that +her hand was very cold. "What is the matter with you?" said I, looking +her in the face. Belle looked at me for a moment in the eyes, and then +cast down her own--her features were very pale. "You are really unwell," +said I; "I had better not go to the fair, but stay here, and take care of +you." "No," said Belle, "pray go, I am not unwell." "Then go to your +tent," said I, "and do not endanger your health by standing abroad in the +raw morning air. God bless you, Belle; I shall be home to-night, by +which time I expect you will have made up your mind; if not, another +lesson in Armenian, however late the hour be." I then wrung Belle's +hand, and ascended to the plain above. + +I found the Romany party waiting for me, and everything in readiness for +departing. Mr. Petulengro and Tawno Chikno were mounted on two old +horses. The rest who intended to go to the fair, amongst whom were two +or three women, were on foot. On arriving at the extremity of the plain, +I looked towards the dingle. Isopel Berners stood at the mouth, the +beams of the early morning sun shone full on her noble face and figure. I +waved my hand towards her. She slowly lifted up her right arm. I turned +away, and never saw Isopel Berners again. + +My companions and myself proceeded on our way. In about two hours we +reached the place where the fair was to be held. After breakfasting on +bread and cheese and ale behind a broken stone wall, we drove our animals +to the fair. The fair was a common cattle and horse fair: there was +little merriment going on, but there was no lack of business. By about +two o'clock in the afternoon, Mr. Petulengro and his people had disposed +of their animals at what they conceived very fair prices--they were all +in high spirits, and Jasper proposed to adjourn to a public-house. As we +were proceeding to one, a very fine horse, led by a jockey, made its +appearance on the ground. Mr. Petulengro stopped short, and looked at it +steadfastly: "Fino covar dove odoy sas miro--a fine thing were that, if +it were but mine!" he exclaimed. "If you covet it," said I, "why do you +not purchase it?" "We low gyptians never buy animals of that +description; if we did we could never sell them, and most likely should +be had up as horse-stealers." "Then why did you say just now, 'It were a +fine thing if it were but yours'?" said I. "We gyptians always say so +when we see anything that we admire. An animal like that is not intended +for a little hare like me, but for some grand gentleman like yourself. I +say, brother, do you buy that horse!" "How should I buy the horse, you +foolish person?" said I. "Buy the horse, brother," said Mr. Petulengro; +"if you have not the money I can lend it you, though I be of lower +Egypt." "You talk nonsense," said I; "however, I wish you would ask the +man the price of it." Mr. Petulengro, going up to the jockey, inquired +the price of the horse--the man, looking at him scornfully, made no +reply. "Young man," said I, going up to the jockey, "do me the favour to +tell me the price of that horse, as I suppose it is to sell." The +jockey, who was a surly-looking man of about fifty, looked at me for a +moment, then, after some hesitation, said laconically, "Seventy." "Thank +you," said I, and turned away. "Buy that horse," said Mr. Petulengro, +coming after me; "the dook tells me that in less than three months he +will be sold for twice seventy." "I will have nothing to do with him," +said I; "besides, Jasper, I don't like his tail. Did you observe what a +mean scrubby tail he has?" "What a fool you are, brother!" said Mr. +Petulengro; "that very tail of his shows his breeding. No good bred +horse ever yet carried a fine tail--'tis your scrubby-tailed horses that +are your out-and-outers. Did you ever hear of Syntax, brother? That +tail of his puts me in mind of Syntax. Well, I say nothing more, have +your own way--all I wonder at is, that a horse like him was ever brought +to such a fair of dog cattle as this." + +We then made the best of our way to a public-house, where we had some +refreshment. I then proposed returning to the encampment, but Mr. +Petulengro declined, and remained drinking with his companions till about +six o'clock in the evening, when various jockeys from the fair came in. +After some conversation a jockey proposed a game of cards; and in a +little time, Mr. Petulengro and another gypsy sat down to play a game of +cards with two of the jockeys. + +Though not much acquainted with cards, I soon conceived a suspicion that +the jockeys were cheating Mr. Petulengro and his companion, I therefore +called Mr. Petulengro aside, and gave him a hint to that effect. Mr. +Petulengro, however, instead of thanking me, told me to mind my own bread +and butter, and forthwith returned to his game. I continued watching the +players for some hours. The gypsies lost considerably, and I saw clearly +that the jockeys were cheating them most confoundedly. I therefore once +more called Mr. Petulengro aside, and told him that the jockeys were +cheating him, conjuring him to return to the encampment. Mr. Petulengro, +who was by this time somewhat the worse for liquor, now fell into a +passion, swore several oaths, and asking me who had made me a Moses over +him and his brethren, told me to return to the encampment by myself. +Incensed at the unworthy return which my well-meant words had received, I +forthwith left the house, and having purchased a few articles of +provision, I set out for the dingle alone. It was dark night when I +reached it, and descending I saw the glimmer of a fire from the depths of +the dingle; my heart beat with fond anticipation of a welcome. "Isopel +Berners is waiting for me," said I, "and the first word that I shall hear +from her lips is that she has made up her mind. We shall go to America, +and be so happy together." On reaching the bottom of the dingle, +however, I saw seated near the fire, beside which stood the kettle +simmering, not Isopel Berners, but a gypsy girl, who told me that Miss +Berners when she went away had charged her to keep up the fire, and have +the kettle boiling against my arrival. Startled at these words, I +inquired at what hour Isopel had left, and whither she had gone, and was +told that she had left the dingle, with her cart, about two hours after I +departed; but where she was gone the girl did not know. I then asked +whether she had left no message, and the girl replied that she had left +none, but had merely given directions about the kettle and fire, putting, +at the same time, sixpence into her hand. "Very strange," thought I; +then dismissing the gypsy girl I sat down by the fire. I had no wish for +tea, but sat looking on the embers, wondering what could be the motive of +the sudden departure of Isopel. "Does she mean to return?" thought I to +myself. "Surely she means to return," Hope replied, "or she would not +have gone away without leaving any message"--"and yet she could scarcely +mean to return," muttered Foreboding, "or she would assuredly have left +some message with the girl." I then thought to myself what a hard thing +it would be, if, after having made up my mind to assume the yoke of +matrimony, I should be disappointed of the woman of my choice. "Well, +after all," thought I, "I can scarcely be disappointed; if such an ugly +scoundrel as Sylvester had no difficulty in getting such a nice wife as +Ursula, surely I, who am not a tenth part so ugly, cannot fail to obtain +the hand of Isopel Berners, uncommonly fine damsel though she be. +Husbands do not grow upon hedge rows; she is merely gone after a little +business and will return to-morrow." + +Comforted in some degree by these hopeful imaginings, I retired to my +tent, and went to sleep. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + +GLOOMY FOREBODINGS--THE POSTMAN'S MOTHER--THE LETTER--BEARS AND +BARONS--THE BEST OF ADVICE. + +Nothing occurred to me of any particular moment during the following day. +Isopel Berners did not return; but Mr. Petulengro and his companions came +home from the fair early in the morning. When I saw him, which was about +midday, I found him with his face bruised and swelled. It appeared that, +some time after I had left him, he himself perceived that the jockeys +with whom he was playing cards were cheating him and his companion; a +quarrel ensued, which terminated in a fight between Mr. Petulengro and +one of the jockeys, which lasted some time, and in which Mr. Petulengro, +though he eventually came off victor, was considerably beaten. His +bruises, in conjunction with his pecuniary loss, which amounted to about +seven pounds, were the cause of his being much out of humour; before +night, however, he had returned to his usual philosophic frame of mind, +and, coming up to me as I was walking about, apologised for his behaviour +on the preceding day, and assured me that he was determined, from that +time forward, never to quarrel with a friend for giving him good advice. + +Two more days passed, and still Isopel Berners did not return. Gloomy +thoughts and forebodings filled my mind. During the day I wandered about +the neighbouring roads in the hopes of catching an early glimpse of her +and her returning vehicle; and at night lay awake, tossing about on my +hard couch, listening to the rustle of every leaf, and occasionally +thinking that I heard the sound of her wheels upon the distant road. Once +at midnight, just as I was about to fall into unconsciousness, I suddenly +started up, for I was convinced that I heard the sound of wheels. I +listened most anxiously, and the sound of wheels striking against stones +was certainly plain enough. "She comes at last," thought I, and for a +few moments I felt as if a mountain had been removed from my +breast;--"here she comes at last, now, how shall I receive her? Oh," +thought I, "I will receive her rather coolly, just as if I was not +particularly anxious about her--that's the way to manage these women." +The next moment the sound became very loud, rather too loud, I thought, +to proceed from her wheels, and then by degrees became fainter. Rushing +out of my tent, I hurried up the path to the top of the dingle, where I +heard the sound distinctly enough, but it was going from me, and +evidently proceeded from something much larger than the cart of Isopel. I +could, moreover, hear the stamping of a horse's hoofs at a lumbering +trot. Those only whose hopes have been wrought up to a high pitch, and +then suddenly dashed down, can imagine what I felt at that moment; and +yet when I returned to my lonely tent, and lay down on my hard pallet, +the voice of conscience told me that the misery I was then undergoing, I +had fully merited, from the unkind manner in which I had intended to +receive her, when for a brief minute I supposed that she had returned. + +It was on the morning after this affair, and the fourth, if I forget not, +from the time of Isopel's departure, that, as I was seated on my stone at +the bottom of the dingle, getting my breakfast, I heard an unknown voice +from the path above--apparently that of a person descending--exclaim, +"Here's a strange place to bring a letter to;" and presently an old +woman, with a belt round her middle, to which was attached a leathern +bag, made her appearance, and stood before me. + +"Well, if I ever!" said she, as she looked about her. "My good +gentlewoman," said I, "pray what may you please to want?" "Gentlewoman!" +said the old dame, "please to want!--well, I call that speaking civilly, +at any rate. It is true, civil words cost nothing; nevertheless, we do +not always get them. What I please to want is to deliver a letter to a +young man in this place; perhaps you be he?" "What's the name on the +letter?" said I, getting up and going to her. "There is no name upon +it," said she, taking a letter out of her scrip and looking at it. "It +is directed to the young man in Mumper's Dingle." "Then it is for me, I +make no doubt," said I, stretching out my hand to take it. "Please to +pay me ninepence first," said the old woman. "However," said she, after +a moment's thought, "civility is civility, and, being rather a scarce +article, should meet with some return. Here's the letter, young man, and +I hope you will pay for it; for if you do not, I must pay the postage +myself." "You are the postwoman, I suppose," said I, as I took the +letter. "I am the postman's mother," said the old woman; "but as he has +a wide beat, I help him as much as I can, and I generally carry letters +to places like this, to which he is afraid to come himself." "You say +the postage is ninepence," said I, "here's a shilling." "Well, I call +that honourable," said the old woman, taking the shilling and putting it +into her pocket--"here's your change, young man," said she, offering me +threepence. "Pray keep that for yourself," said I; "you deserve it for +your trouble." "Well, I call that genteel," said the old woman; "and as +one good turn deserves another, since you look as if you couldn't read, I +will read your letter for you. Let's see it; it's from some young woman +or other, I dare say." "Thank you," said I, "but I can read." "All the +better for you," said the old woman; "your being able to read will +frequently save you a penny, for that's the charge I generally make for +reading letters; though, as you behaved so genteelly to me, I should have +charged you nothing. Well, if you can read, why don't you open the +letter, instead of keeping it hanging between your finger and thumb?" "I +am in no hurry to open it," said I, with a sigh. The old woman looked at +me for a moment--"Well, young man," said she, "there are some--especially +those who can read--who don't like to open their letters when anybody is +by, more especially when they come from young women. Well, I won't +intrude upon you, but leave you alone with your letter. I wish it may +contain something pleasant. God bless you," and with these words she +departed. + +I sat down on my stone, with my letter in my hand. I knew perfectly well +that it could have come from no other person than Isopel Berners; but +what did the letter contain? I guessed tolerably well what its purport +was--an eternal farewell! yet I was afraid to open the letter, lest my +expectation should be confirmed. There I sat with the letter, putting +off the evil moment as long as possible. At length I glanced at the +direction, which was written in a fine bold hand, and was directed, as +the old woman had said, to the young man in "Mumper's Dingle," with the +addition, "near . . ., in the county of . . ." Suddenly the idea +occurred to me, that, after all, the letter might not contain an eternal +farewell; and that Isopel might have written, requesting me to join her. +Could it be so? "Alas! no," presently said Foreboding. At last I became +ashamed of my weakness. The letter must be opened sooner or later. Why +not at once? So as the bather who, for a considerable time has stood +shivering on the bank, afraid to take the decisive plunge, suddenly takes +it, I tore open the letter almost before I was aware. I had no sooner +done so than a paper fell out. I examined it; it contained a lock of +bright flaxen hair. "This is no good sign," said I, as I thrust the lock +and paper into my bosom, and proceeded to read the letter, which ran as +follows:-- + + "TO THE YOUNG MAN IN MUMPER'S DINGLE. + + "Sir,--I send these lines, with the hope and trust that they will find + you well, even as I am myself at this moment, and in much better + spirits, for my own are not such as I could wish they were, being + sometimes rather hysterical and vapourish, and at other times, and + most often, very low. I am at a sea-port, and am just going on + shipboard; and when you get these I shall be on the salt waters, on my + way to a distant country, and leaving my own behind me, which I do not + expect ever to see again. + + "And now, young man, I will, in the first place, say something about + the manner in which I quitted you. It must have seemed somewhat + singular to you that I went away without taking any leave, or giving + you the slightest hint that I was going; but I did not do so without + considerable reflection. I was afraid that I should not be able to + support a leave-taking; and as you had said that you were determined + to go wherever I did, I thought it best not to tell you at all; for I + did not think it advisable that you should go with me, and I wished to + have no dispute. + + "In the second place, I wish to say something about an offer of + wedlock which you made me; perhaps, young man, had you made it at the + first period of our acquaintance, I should have accepted it, but you + did not, and kept putting off and putting off, and behaving in a very + strange manner, till I could stand your conduct no longer, but + determined upon leaving you and Old England, which last step I had + been long thinking about; so when you made your offer at last, + everything was arranged--my cart and donkey engaged to be sold--and + the greater part of my things disposed of. However, young man, when + you did make it, I frankly tell you that I had half a mind to accept + it; at last, however, after very much consideration, I thought it best + to leave you for ever, because, for some time past, I had become + almost convinced, that though with a wonderful deal of learning, and + exceedingly shrewd in some things, you were--pray don't be offended--at + the root mad! and though mad people, I have been told, sometimes make + very good husbands, I was unwilling that your friends, if you had any, + should say that Belle Berners, the workhouse girl, took advantage of + your infirmity; for there is no concealing that I was born and bred up + in a workhouse; notwithstanding that, my blood is better than your + own, and as good as the best; you having yourself told me that my name + is a noble name, and once, if I mistake not, that it was the same word + as baron, which is the same thing as bear; and that to be called in + old times a bear was considered as a great compliment--the bear being + a mighty strong animal, on which account our forefathers called all + their great fighting-men barons, which is the same as bears. + + "However, setting matters of blood and family entirely aside, many + thanks to you, young man, from poor Belle, for the honour you did her + in making that same offer; for, after all, it is an honour to receive + an honourable offer, which she could see clearly yours was, with no + floriness nor chaff in it; but, on the contrary, entire sincerity. She + assures you that she shall always bear it and yourself in mind, + whether on land or water; and as a proof of the good-will she bears to + you, she has sent you a lock of the hair which she wears on her head, + which you were often looking at, and were pleased to call flax, which + word she supposes you meant as a compliment, even as the old people + meant to pass a compliment to their great folks when they called them + bears; though she cannot help thinking that they might have found an + animal as strong as a bear, and somewhat less uncouth, to call their + great folks after: even as she thinks yourself, amongst your great + store of words, might have found something a little more genteel to + call her hair after than flax, which, though strong and useful, is + rather a coarse and common kind of article. + + "And as another proof of the goodwill she bears to you, she sends you, + along with the lock, a piece of advice, which is worth all the hair in + the world, to say nothing of the flax. + + "_Fear God_, and take your own part. There's Bible in that, young + man; see how Moses feared God, and how he took his own part against + everybody who meddled with him. And see how David feared God, and + took his own part against all the bloody enemies which surrounded + him--so fear God, young man, and never give in! The world can bully, + and is fond, provided it sees a man in a kind of difficulty, of + getting about him, calling him coarse names, and even going so far as + to hustle him; but the world, like all bullies, carries a white + feather in its tail, and no sooner sees the man taking off his coat, + and offering to fight its best, than it scatters here and there, and + is always civil to him afterwards. So when folks are disposed to ill- + treat you, young man, say 'Lord, have mercy upon me!' and then tip + them Long Melford, to which, as the saying goes, there is nothing + comparable for shortness all the world over; and these last words, + young man, are the last you will ever have from her who is, + nevertheless, + + "Your affectionate female servant, + "ISOPEL BERNERS." + +After reading the letter I sat for some time motionless, holding it in my +hand. The day-dream in which I had been a little time before indulging, +of marrying Isopel Berners, of going with her to America, and having by +her a large progeny, who were to assist me in felling trees, cultivating +the soil, and who would take care of me when I was old, was now +thoroughly dispelled. Isopel had deserted me, and was gone to America by +herself, where, perhaps, she would marry some other person, and would +bear him a progeny, who would do for him what in my dream I had hoped my +progeny by her would do for me. Then the thought came into my head that +though she was gone I might follow her to America, but then I thought +that if I did I might not find her; America was a very large place, and I +did not know the port to which she was bound; but I could follow her to +the port from which she had sailed, and there possibly discover the port +to which she was bound; but then I did not even know the port from which +she had set out, for Isopel had not dated her letter from any place. +Suddenly it occurred to me that the post-mark on the letter would tell me +from whence it came, so I forthwith looked at the back of the letter, and +in the post-mark read the name of a well-known and not very distant sea +port. I then knew with tolerable certainty the port where she had +embarked, and I almost determined to follow her, but I almost instantly +determined to do no such thing. Isopel Berners had abandoned me, and I +would not follow her; "perhaps," whispered Pride, "if I overtook her, she +would only despise me for running after her;" and it also told me pretty +roundly that, provided I ran after her, whether I overtook her or not, I +should heartily despise myself. So I determined not to follow Isopel +Berners; I took her lock of hair, and looked at it, then put it in her +letter, which I folded up and carefully stowed away, resolved to keep +both for ever, but I determined not to follow her. Two or three times, +however, during the day I wavered in my determination, and was again and +again almost tempted to follow her, but every succeeding time the +temptation was fainter. In the evening I left the dingle, and sat down +with Mr. Petulengro and his family by the door of his tent; Mr. +Petulengro soon began talking of the letter which I had received in the +morning. "Is it not from Miss Berners, brother?" said he. I told him it +was. "Is she coming back, brother?" "Never," said I; "she is gone to +America, and has deserted me." "I always knew that you two were never +destined for each other," said he. "How did you know that?" I inquired. +"The dook told me so, brother; you are born to be a great traveller." +"Well," said I, "if I had gone with her to America, as I was thinking of +doing, I should have been a great traveller." "You are to travel in +another direction, brother," said he. "I wish you would tell me all +about my future wanderings," said I. "I can't, brother," said Mr. +Petulengro, "there's a power of clouds before my eye." "You are a poor +seer, after all," said I, and getting up, I retired to my dingle and my +tent, where I betook myself to my bed, and there, knowing the worst, and +being no longer agitated by apprehension, nor agonised by expectation, I +was soon buried in a deep slumber, the first which I had fallen into for +several nights. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + +THE PUBLIC-HOUSE--LANDLORD ON HIS LEGS AGAIN--A BLOW IN SEASON--THE WAY +OF THE WORLD--THE GRATEFUL MIND--THE HORSE'S NEIGH. + +It was rather late on the following morning when I awoke. At first I was +almost unconscious of what had occurred on the preceding day; +recollection, however, by degrees returned, and I felt a deep melancholy +coming over me, but perfectly aware that no advantage could be derived +from the indulgence of such a feeling, I sprang up, prepared my +breakfast, which I ate with a tolerable appetite, and then left the +dingle, and betook myself to the gypsy encampment, where I entered into +discourse with various Romanies, both male and female. After some time, +feeling myself in better spirits, I determined to pay another visit to +the landlord of the public-house. From the position of his affairs when +I had last visited him, I entertained rather gloomy ideas with respect to +his present circumstances. I imagined that I should either find him +alone in his kitchen smoking a wretched pipe, or in company with some +surly bailiff or his follower, whom his friend the brewer had sent into +the house in order to take possession of his effects. + +Nothing more entirely differing from either of these anticipations could +have presented itself to my view than what I saw about one o'clock in the +afternoon, when I entered the house. I had come, though somewhat in want +of consolation myself, to offer any consolation which was at my command +to my acquaintance Catchpole, and perhaps like many other people who go +to a house with "drops of compassion trembling on their eyelids," I felt +rather disappointed at finding that no compassion was necessary. The +house was thronged with company, the cries for ale and porter, hot brandy +and water, cold gin and water, were numerous; moreover, no desire to +receive and not to pay for the landlord's liquids was manifested--on the +contrary, everybody seemed disposed to play the most honourable part: +"Landlord, here's the money for this glass of brandy and water--do me the +favour to take it; all right, remember I have paid you." "Landlord, +here's the money for the pint of half-and-half--fourpence halfpenny, +a'n't it?--here's sixpence; keep the change--confound the change!" The +landlord, assisted by his niece, bustled about; his brow erect, his +cheeks plumped out, and all his features exhibiting a kind of surly +satisfaction. Wherever he moved, marks of the most cordial amity were +shown him, hands were thrust out to grasp his, nor were looks of respect, +admiration, nay almost of adoration, wanting. I observed one fellow, as +the landlord advanced, take the pipe out of his mouth, and gaze upon him +with a kind of grin of wonder, probably much the same as his ancestor, +the Saxon lout of old, put on when he saw his idol Thur dressed in a new +kirtle. To avoid the press, I got into a corner, where, on a couple of +chairs, sat two respectable-looking individuals, whether farmers or sow- +gelders, I know not, but highly respectable-looking, who were discoursing +about the landlord. "Such another," said one, "you will not find in a +summer's day." "No, nor in the whole of England," said the other. "Tom +of Hopton," said the first: "ah! Tom of Hopton," echoed the other; "the +man who could beat Tom of Hopton could beat the world." "I glory in +him," said the first. "So do I," said the second; "I'll back him against +the world. Let me hear any one say anything against him, and if I don't +. . ." then, looking at me, he added, "have you anything to say against +him, young man?" "Not a word," said I, "save that he regularly puts me +out." "He'll put any one out," said the man, "any one out of conceit +with himself;" then, lifting a mug to his mouth, he added, with a +hiccough, "I drink his health." Presently the landlord, as he moved +about, observing me, stopped short: "Ah!" said he, "are you here? I am +glad to see you, come this way." "Stand back," said he to his company, +as I followed him to the bar, "stand back for me and his gentleman." Two +or three young fellows were in the bar, seemingly sporting yokels, +drinking sherry and smoking. "Come, gentlemen," said the landlord, +"clear the bar, I must have a clear bar for me and my friend here." +"Landlord, what will you take," said one, "a glass of sherry? I know you +like it." ". . . sherry and you too," said the landlord, "I want neither +sherry nor yourself; didn't you hear what I told you?" "All right, old +fellow," said the other, shaking the landlord by the hand, "all right, +don't wish to intrude--but I suppose when you and your friend have done, +I may come in again;" then, with "a sarvant, sir," to me, he took himself +into the kitchen, followed by the rest of the sporting yokels. + +Thereupon the landlord, taking a bottle of ale from a basket, uncorked +it, and pouring the contents into two large glasses, handed me one, and +motioning me to sit down, placed himself by me; then, emptying his own +glass at a draught, he gave a kind of grunt of satisfaction, and fixing +his eyes upon the opposite side of the bar, remained motionless, without +saying a word, buried apparently in important cogitations. With respect +to myself, I swallowed my ale more leisurely, and was about to address my +friend, when his niece, coming into the bar, said that more and more +customers were arriving, and how she should supply their wants she did +not know, unless her uncle would get up and help her. + +"The customers!" said the landlord, "let the scoundrels wait till you +have time to serve them, or till I have leisure to see after them." "The +kitchen won't contain half of them," said his niece. "Then let them sit +out abroad," said the landlord. "But there are not benches enough, +uncle," said the niece. "Then let them stand or sit on the ground," said +the uncle, "what care I? I'll let them know that the man who beat Tom of +Hopton stands as well again on his legs as ever." Then opening a side +door which led from the bar into the back yard, he beckoned me to follow +him. "You treat your customers in rather a cavalier manner," said I, +when we were alone together in the yard. + +"Don't I?" said the landlord; "and I'll treat them more so yet; now I +have got the whip-hand of the rascals I intend to keep it. I dare say +you are a bit surprised with regard to the change which has come over +things since you were last here. I'll tell you how it happened. You +remember in what a desperate condition you found me, thinking of changing +my religion, selling my soul to the man in black, and then going and +hanging myself like Pontius Pilate; and I dare say you can't have +forgotten how you gave me good advice, made me drink ale, and give up +sherry. Well, after you were gone, I felt all the better for your talk, +and what you had made me drink, and it was a mercy that I did feel +better; for my niece was gone out, poor thing, and I was left alone in +the house, without a soul to look at, or to keep me from doing myself a +mischief in case I was so inclined. Well, things wore on in this way +till it grew dusk, when in came that blackguard Hunter with his train to +drink at my expense, and to insult me as usual; there were more than a +dozen of them, and a pretty set they looked. Well, they ordered about in +a very free and easy manner for upwards of an hour and a half, +occasionally sneering and jeering at me, as they had been in the habit of +doing for some time past; so, as I said before, things wore on, and other +customers came in, who, though they did not belong to Hunter's gang, also +passed off their jokes upon me; for, as you perhaps know, we English are +a set of low hounds, who will always take part with the many by way of +making ourselves safe, and currying favour with the stronger side. I +said little or nothing, for my spirits had again become very low, and I +was verily scared and afraid. All of a sudden I thought of the ale which +I had drank in the morning, and of the good it did me then, so I went +into the bar, opened another bottle, took a glass, and felt better; so I +took another, and feeling better still, I went back into the kitchen just +as Hunter and his crew were about leaving. 'Mr. Hunter,' said I, 'you +and your people will please to pay me for what you have had?' 'What do +you mean by my people?' said he, with an oath. 'Ah! what do you mean by +calling us his people?' said the clan. 'We are nobody's people;' and +then there was a pretty load of abuse, and threatening to serve me out. +'Well,' said I, 'I was perhaps wrong to call them your people, and beg +your pardon and theirs. And now you will please to pay me for what you +have had yourself, and afterwards I can settle with them.' 'I shall pay +you when I think fit,' said Hunter. 'Yes,' said the rest, 'and so shall +we. We shall pay you when we think fit.' 'I tell you what,' said +Hunter, 'I conceives I do such an old fool as you an honour when I comes +into his house and drinks his beer, and goes away without paying for it;' +and then there was a roar of laughter from everybody, and almost all said +the same thing. 'Now do you please to pay me Mr. Hunter?' said I. 'Pay +you!' said Hunter; 'pay you! Yes, here's the pay;' and thereupon he held +out his thumb, twirling it round till it just touched my nose. I can't +tell you what I felt that moment; a kind of madhouse thrill came upon me, +and all I know is, that I bent back as far as I could, then lunging out, +struck him under the ear, sending him reeling two or three yards, when he +fell on the floor. I wish you had but seen how my company looked at me +and at each other. One or two of the clan went to raise Hunter, and get +him to fight, but it was no go; though he was not killed, he had had +enough for that evening. Oh, I wish you had seen my customers; those who +did not belong to the clan, but had taken part with them, and helped to +jeer and flout me, now came and shook me by the hand, wishing me joy, and +saying as how 'I was a brave fellow, and had served the bully right!' As +for the clan, they all said Hunter was bound to do me justice; so they +made him pay me what he owed for himself, and the reckoning of those +among them who said they had no money. Two or three of them then led him +away, while the rest stayed behind, and flattered me, and worshipped me, +and called Hunter all kinds of dogs' names. What do you think of that?" + +"Why," said I, "it makes good what I read in a letter which I received +yesterday. It is just the way of the world." + +"A'n't it!" said the landlord. "Well, that a'n't all; let me go on. Good +fortune never yet came alone. In about an hour comes home my poor niece, +almost in high sterricks with joy, smiling and sobbing. She had been to +the clergyman of M. . ., the great preacher, to whose church she was in +the habit of going, and to whose daughters she was well known; and to him +she told a lamentable tale about my distresses, and about the snares +which had been laid for my soul; and so well did she plead my cause, and +so strong did the young ladies back all she said, that the good clergyman +promised to stand my friend, and to lend me sufficient money to satisfy +the brewer, and to get my soul out of the snares of the man in black; and +sure enough the next morning the two young ladies brought me the fifty +pounds, which I forthwith carried to the brewer, who was monstrously +civil, saying that he hoped any little understanding we had had would not +prevent our being good friends in future. That a'n't all; the people of +the neighbouring country hearing as if by art witchcraft that I had +licked Hunter, and was on good terms with the brewer, forthwith began to +come in crowds to look at me, pay me homage, and be my customers. +Moreover, fifty scoundrels who owed me money, and who would have seen me +starve rather than help me as long as they considered me a down pin, +remembered their debts, and came and paid me more than they owed. That +a'n't all: the brewer, being about to establish a stage-coach and three, +to run across the country, says it shall stop and change horses at my +house, and the passengers breakfast and sup as it goes and returns. He +wishes me--whom he calls the best man in England--to give his son lessons +in boxing, which he says he considers a fine manly English art, and a +great defence against Popery--notwithstanding that only a month ago, when +he considered me a down pin, he was in the habit of railing against it as +a blackguard practice, and against me as a blackguard for following it: +so I am going to commence with young hopeful to-morrow." + +"I really cannot help congratulating you on your good fortune," said I. + +"That a'n't all," said the landlord. "This very morning the folks of our +parish made me churchwarden, which they would no more have done a month +ago, when they considered me a down pin, than they . . ." + +"Mercy upon us!" said I, "if fortune pours in upon you in this manner, +who knows but that within a year they may make you justice of the peace." + +"Who knows, indeed!" said the landlord. "Well, I will prove myself +worthy of my good luck by showing the grateful mind--not to those who +would be kind to me now, but to those who were, when the days were rather +gloomy. My customers shall have abundance of rough language, but I'll +knock any one down who says anything against the clergyman who lent me +the fifty pounds, or against the Church of England, of which he is parson +and I am churchwarden. I am also ready to do anything in reason for him +who paid me for the ale he drank, when I shouldn't have had the heart to +collar him for the money had he refused to pay; who never jeered or +flouted me like the rest of my customers when I was a down pin--and +though he refused to fight cross _for_ me, was never cross _with_ me, but +listened to all I had to say, and gave me all kinds of good advice. Now +who do you think I mean by this last? why, who but yourself--who on earth +but yourself? The parson is a good man and a great preacher, and I'll +knock anybody down who says to the contrary; and I mention him first, +because why? he's a gentleman, and you a tinker. But I am by no means +sure you are not the best friend of the two; for I doubt, do you see, +whether I should have had the fifty pounds but for you. You persuaded me +to give up that silly drink they call sherry, and drink ale; and what was +it but drinking ale which gave me courage to knock down that fellow +Hunter--and knocking him down was, I verily believe, the turning point of +my disorder. God don't love those who won't strike out for themselves; +and as far as I can calculate with respect to time, it was just the +moment after I had knocked down Hunter, that the parson consented to lend +me the money, and everything began to grow civil to me. So, dash my +buttons if I show the ungrateful mind to you! I don't offer to knock +anybody down for you, because why--I dare say you can knock a body down +yourself; but I'll offer something more to the purpose. As my business +is wonderfully on the increase, I shall want somebody to help me in +serving my customers, and keeping them in order. If you choose to come +and serve for your board, and what they'll give you, give me your fist; +or if you like ten shillings a week better than their sixpences and +ha'pence, only say so--though, to be open with you, I believe you would +make twice ten shillings out of them--the sneaking, fawning, +curry-favouring humbugs!" + +"I am much obliged to you," said I, "for your handsome offer, which, +however, I am obliged to decline." + +"Why so?" said the landlord. + +"I am not fit for service," said I; "moreover, I am about to leave this +part of the country." As I spoke, a horse neighed in the stable. "What +horse is that?" said I. + +"It belongs to a cousin of mine, who put it into my hands yesterday, in +hopes that I might get rid of it for him, though he would no more have +done so a week ago, when he considered me a down pin, than he would have +given the horse away. Are you fond of horses?" + +"Very much," said I. + +"Then come and look at it." He led me into the stable, where, in a +stall, stood a noble-looking animal. + +"Dear me," said I, "I saw this horse at . . . fair." + +"Like enough," said the landlord; "he was there, and was offered for +seventy pounds, but didn't find a bidder at any price. What do you think +of him?" + +"He's a splendid creature." + +"I am no judge of horses," said the landlord; "but I am told he's a first- +rate trotter, good leaper, and has some of the blood of Syntax. What +does all that signify?--the game is against his master, who is a down +pin, is thinking of emigrating, and wants money confoundedly. He asked +seventy pounds at the fair; but, between ourselves, he would be glad to +take fifty here." + +"I almost wish," said I, "that I were a rich squire." + +"You would buy him then," said the landlord. Here he mused for some +time, with a very profound look. "It would be a rum thing," said he, +"if, some time or other, that horse should come into your hands. Didn't +you hear how he neighed when you talked about leaving the country. My +granny was a wise woman, and was up to all kind of signs and wonders, +sounds and noises, the interpretation of the language of birds and +animals, crowing and lowing, neighing and braying. If she had been here, +she would have said at once that that horse was fated to carry you away. +On that point, however, I can say nothing, for under fifty pounds no one +can have him. Are you taking that money out of your pocket to pay me for +the ale? That won't do; nothing to pay; I invited you this time. Now if +you are going, you had best get into the road through the yard-gate. I +won't trouble you to make your way through the kitchen and my +fine-weather company--confound them!" + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + +MR. PETULENGRO'S DEVICE--THE LEATHERN PURSE--CONSENT TO PURCHASE A HORSE. + +As I returned along the road I met Mr. Petulengro and one of his +companions, who told me that they were bound for the public-house; +whereupon I informed Jasper how I had seen in the stable the horse which +we had admired at the fair. "I shouldn't wonder if you buy that horse +after all, brother," said Mr. Petulengro. With a smile at the absurdity +of such a supposition, I left him and his companion, and betook myself to +the dingle. In the evening I received a visit from Mr. Petulengro, who +forthwith commenced talking about the horse, which he had again seen, the +landlord having shown it to him on learning that he was a friend of mine. +He told me that the horse pleased him more than ever, he having examined +his points with more accuracy than he had an opportunity of doing on the +first occasion, concluding by pressing me to buy him. I begged him to +desist from such foolish importunity, assuring him that I had never so +much money in all my life as would enable me to purchase the horse. +Whilst this discourse was going on, Mr. Petulengro and myself were +standing together in the midst of the dingle. Suddenly he began to move +round me in a very singular manner, making strange motions with his +hands, and frightful contortions with his features, till I became +alarmed, and asked him whether he had not lost his senses? Whereupon, +ceasing his movements and contortions, he assured me that he had not, but +had merely been seized with a slight dizziness, and then once more +returned to the subject of the horse. Feeling myself very angry, I told +him that if he continued persecuting me in this manner, I should be +obliged to quarrel with him; adding, that I believed his only motive for +asking me to buy the animal was to insult my poverty. "Pretty poverty," +said he, "with fifty pounds in your pocket; however, I have heard say +that it is always the custom of your rich people to talk of their +poverty, more especially when they wish to avoid laying out money." +Surprised at his saying that I had fifty pounds in my pocket, I asked him +what he meant; whereupon he told me that he was very sure that I had +fifty pounds in my pocket, offering to lay me five shillings to that +effect. "Done!" said I; "I have scarcely more than the fifth part of +what you say." "I know better, brother," said Mr. Petulengro; "and if +you only pull out what you have in the pocket of your slop, I am sure you +will have lost your wager." Putting my hand into the pocket, I felt +something which I had never felt there before, and pulling it out, +perceived that it was a clumsy leathern purse, which I found on opening +contained four ten-pound notes and several pieces of gold. "Didn't I +tell you so, brother?" said Mr Petulengro. "Now, in the first place, +please to pay me the five shillings you have lost." "This is only a +foolish piece of pleasantry," said I; "you put it into my pocket whilst +you were moving about me, making faces like a distracted person. Here +take your purse back." "I?" said Mr. Petulengro, "not I, indeed! don't +think I am such a fool. I have won my wager, so pay me the five +shillings, brother." "Do drop this folly," said I, "and take your +purse;" and I flung it on the ground. "Brother," said Mr. Petulengro, +"you were talking of quarrelling with me just now. I tell you now one +thing, which is, that if you do not take back the purse, I will quarrel +with you; and it shall be for good and all. I'll drop your acquaintance, +no longer call you my pal, and not even say sarshan to you when I meet +you by the road-side. Hir mi diblis I never will." I saw by Jasper's +look and tone that he was in earnest, and, as I had really a regard for +the strange being, I scarcely knew what to do. "Now, be persuaded, +brother," said Mr. Petulengro, taking up the purse and handing it to me; +"be persuaded; put the purse into your pocket, and buy the horse." +"Well," said I, "if I did so, would you acknowledge the horse to be +yours, and receive the money again as soon as I should be able to repay +you?" + +"I would, brother, I would," said he; "return me the money as soon as you +please, provided you buy the horse." "What motive have you for wishing +me to buy that horse?" said I. "He's to be sold for fifty pounds," said +Jasper, "and is worth four times that sum; though, like many a splendid +bargain, he is now going a begging; buy him, and I'm confident that in a +little time a grand gentleman of your appearance may have anything he +asks for him, and found a fortune by his means. Moreover, brother, I +want to dispose of this fifty pounds in a safe manner. If you don't take +it, I shall fool it away in no time, perhaps at card-playing, for you saw +how I was cheated by those blackguard jockeys the other day--we gyptians +don't know how to take care of money: our best plan when we have got a +handful of guineas is to make buttons with them; but I have plenty of +golden buttons, and don't wish to be troubled with more, so you can do me +no greater favour than vesting the money in this speculation, by which my +mind will be relieved of considerable care and trouble for some time at +least." + +Perceiving that I still hesitated, he said, "Perhaps, brother, you think +that I did not come honestly by the money: by the honestest manner in the +world, brother, for it is the money I earned by fighting in the ring: I +did not steal it, brother, nor did I get it by disposing of spavined +donkeys, or glandered ponies--nor is it, brother, the profits of my +wife's witchcraft and dukkerin." + +"But," said I, "you had better employ it in your traffic." "I have +plenty of money for my traffic, independent of this capital," said Mr. +Petulengro; "ay, brother, and enough besides to back the husband of my +wife's sister, Sylvester, against Slammocks of the Chong gav for twenty +pounds, which I am thinking of doing." + +"But," said I, "after all, the horse may have found another purchaser by +this time." "Not he," said Mr. Petulengro, "there is nobody in this +neighbourhood to purchase a horse like that, unless it be your +lordship--so take the money, brother," and he thrust the purse into my +hand. Allowing myself to be persuaded, I kept possession of the purse. +"Are you satisfied now?" said I. "By no means, brother," said Mr. +Petulengro, "you will please to pay me the five shillings which you lost +to me." "Why," said I, "the fifty pounds which I found in my pocket were +not mine, but put in by yourself." "That's nothing to do with the +matter, brother," said Mr. Petulengro; "I betted you five shillings that +you had fifty pounds in your pocket, which sum you had: I did not say +that they were your own, but merely that you had fifty pounds; you will +therefore pay me, brother, or I shall not consider you an honourable +man." Not wishing to have any dispute about such a matter, I took five +shillings out of my under pocket and gave them to him. Mr. Petulengro +took the money with great glee, observing--"These five shillings I will +take to the public-house forthwith, and spend in drinking with four of my +brethren, and doing so will give me an opportunity of telling the +landlord that I have found a customer for his horse, and that you are the +man. It will be as well to secure the horse as soon as possible; for +though the dook tells me that the horse is intended for you, I have now +and then found that the dook is, like myself, somewhat given to lying." + +He then departed, and I remained alone in the dingle. I thought at first +that I had committed a great piece of folly in consenting to purchase +this horse; I might find no desirable purchaser for him until the money +in my possession should be totally exhausted, and then I might be +compelled to sell him for half the price I had given for him, or be even +glad to find a person who would receive him at a gift; I should then +remain sans horse, and indebted to Mr. Petulengro. Nevertheless, it was +possible that I might sell the horse very advantageously, and by so +doing, obtain a fund sufficient to enable me to execute some grand +enterprise or other. My present way of life afforded no prospect of +support, whereas the purchase of the horse did afford a possibility of +bettering my condition, so, after all, had I not done right in consenting +to purchase the horse? The purchase was to be made with another person's +property it is true, and I did not exactly like the idea of speculating +with another person's property, but Mr. Petulengro had thrust his money +upon me, and if I lost his money, he could have no one but himself to +blame; so I persuaded myself that I had upon the whole done right, and +having come to that persuasion I soon began to enjoy the idea of finding +myself on horseback again, and figured to myself all kinds of strange +adventures which I should meet with on the roads before the horse and I +should part company. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + +TRYING THE HORSE--THE FEATS OF TAWNO--MAN WITH THE RED WAISTCOAT--DISPOSAL +OF PROPERTY. + +I saw nothing more of Mr. Petulengro that evening--on the morrow, +however, he came and informed me that he had secured the horse for me, +and that I was to go and pay for it at noon. At the hour appointed, +therefore, I went with Mr. Petulengro and Tawno to the public, where, as +before, there was a crowd of company. The landlord received us in the +bar with marks of much satisfaction and esteem, made us sit down, and +treated us with some excellent mild draught ale. "Who do you think has +been here this morning?" he said to me, "why that fellow in black, who +came to carry me off to a house of Popish devotion, where I was to pass +seven days and nights in meditation, as I think he called it, before I +publicly renounced the religion of my country. I read him a pretty +lecture, calling him several unhandsome names, and asking him what he +meant by attempting to seduce a churchwarden of the Church of England. I +tell you what, he ran some danger; for some of my customers, learning his +errand, laid hold on him, and were about to toss him in a blanket, and +then duck him in the horse-pond. I, however, interfered, and said 'that +what he came about was between me and him, and that it was no business of +theirs.' To tell you the truth, I felt pity for the poor devil, more +especially when I considered that they merely sided against him because +they thought him the weakest, and that they would have wanted to serve me +in the same manner had they considered me a down pin; so I rescued him +from their hands, told him not to be afraid, for that nobody should touch +him, and offered to treat him to some cold gin and water with a lump of +sugar in it; and, on his refusing, told him that he had better make +himself scarce, which he did, and I hope I shall never see him again. So +I suppose you are come for the horse; mercy upon us! who would have +thought you would have become the purchaser? The horse, however, seemed +to know it by his neighing. How did you ever come by the money? however, +that's no matter of mine. I suppose you are strongly backed by certain +friends you have." + +I informed the landlord that he was right in supposing that I came for +the horse, but that, before I paid for him, I should wish to prove his +capabilities. "With all my heart," said the landlord. "You shall mount +him this moment." Then going into the stable he saddled and bridled the +horse, and presently brought him out before the door. I mounted him, Mr. +Petulengro putting a heavy whip into my hand, and saying a few words to +me in his own mysterious language. "The horse wants no whip," said the +landlord. "Hold your tongue, daddy," said Mr. Petulengro. "My pal knows +quite well what to do with the whip, he's not going to beat the horse +with it." About four hundred yards from the house there was a hill, to +the foot of which the road ran almost on a perfect level; towards the +foot of this hill I trotted the horse, who set off at a long, swift pace, +seemingly at the rate of about sixteen miles an hour. On reaching the +foot of the hill, I wheeled the animal round, and trotted him towards the +house--the horse sped faster than before. Ere he had advanced a hundred +yards, I took off my hat, in obedience to the advice which Mr. Petulengro +had given me in his own language, and holding it over the horse's head, +commenced drumming on the crown with the knob of the whip; the horse gave +a slight start, but instantly recovering himself, continued his trot till +he arrived at the door of the public-house, amidst the acclamations of +the company, who had all rushed out of the house to be spectators of what +was going on. "I see now what you wanted the whip for," said the +landlord, "and sure enough, that drumming on your hat was no bad way of +learning whether the horse was quiet or not. Well, did you ever see a +more quiet horse, or a better trotter?" "My cob shall trot against him," +said a fellow dressed in velveteen, mounted on a low powerful-looking +animal. "My cob shall trot against him to the hill and back again--come +on!" We both started; the cob kept up gallantly against the horse for +about half the way to the hill, when he began to lose ground; at the foot +of the hill he was about fifteen yards behind. Whereupon, I turned +slowly and waited for him. We then set off towards the house, but now +the cob had no chance, being at least twenty yards behind when I reached +the door. This running of horses, the wild uncouth forms around me, and +the ale and beer which were being guzzled from pots and flagons, put me +wonderfully in mind of the ancient horse-races of the heathen north. I +almost imagined myself Gunnar of Hlitharend at the race of . . . + +"Are you satisfied?" said the landlord. "Didn't you tell me that he +could leap?" I demanded. "I am told he can," said the landlord; "but I +can't consent that he should be tried in that way, as he might be +damaged." "That's right!" said Mr. Petulengro, "don't trust my pal to +leap that horse, he'll merely fling him down, and break his neck and his +own. There's a better man than he close by; let him get on his back and +leap him." "You mean yourself, I suppose," said the landlord. "Well, I +call that talking modestly, and nothing becomes a young man more than +modesty." "It a'n't I, daddy," said Mr. Petulengro. "Here's the man," +said he, pointing to Tawno. "Here's the horse-leaper of the world!" "You +mean the horseback breaker," said the landlord. "That big fellow would +break down my cousin's horse." "Why, he weighs only sixteen stone," said +Mr. Petulengro. "And his sixteen stone, with his way of handling a +horse, does not press so much as any other one's thirteen. Only let him +get on the horse's back, and you'll see what he can do!" "No," said the +landlord, "it won't do." Whereupon Mr. Petulengro became very much +excited; and pulling out a handful of money, said, "I'll tell you what, +I'll forfeit these guineas if my black pal there does the horse any kind +of damage; duck me in the horse-pond if I don't." "Well," said the +landlord "for the sport of the thing I consent, so let your white pal get +down and your black pal mount as soon as he pleases." I felt rather +mortified at Mr. Petulengro's interference; and showed no disposition to +quit my seat; whereupon he came up to me and said, "Now, brother, do get +out of the saddle--you are no bad hand at trotting, I am willing to +acknowledge that; but at leaping a horse there is no one like Tawno. Let +every dog be praised for his own gift. You have been showing off in your +line for the last half-hour; now do give Tawno a chance of exhibiting a +little; poor fellow, he hasn't often a chance of exhibiting, as his wife +keeps him so much in sight." Not wishing to appear desirous of +engrossing the public attention, and feeling rather desirous to see how +Tawno, of whose exploits in leaping horses I had frequently heard, would +acquit himself in the affair, I at length dismounted, and Tawno, at a +bound, leaped into the saddle, where he really looked like Gunnar of +Hlitharend, save and except that the complexion of Gunnar was florid, +whereas that of Tawno was of nearly Mulatto darkness; and that all +Tawno's features were cast in the Grecian model, whereas Gunnar had a +snub nose. "There's a leaping-bar behind the house," said the landlord. +"Leaping-bar!" said Mr. Petulengro, scornfully. "Do you think my black +pal ever rides at a leaping-bar? No more than at a windle-straw. Leap +over that meadow wall, Tawno." Just past the house, in the direction in +which I had been trotting, was a wall about four feet high, beyond which +was a small meadow. Tawno rode the horse gently up to the wall, +permitted him to look over, then backed him for about ten yards, and +pressing his calves against the horse's sides, he loosed the rein, and +the horse launching forward, took the leap in gallant style. "Well done, +man and horse!" said Mr. Petulengro; "now come back, Tawno." The leap +from the side of the meadow was, however, somewhat higher; and the horse, +when pushed at it, at first turned away; whereupon Tawno backed him to a +greater distance, pushed the horse to a full gallop, giving a wild cry; +whereupon the horse again took the wall, slightly grazing one of his legs +against it. "A near thing," said the landlord, "but a good leap. Now no +more leaping, so long as I have control over the animal." The horse was +then led back to the stable; and the landlord, myself, and companions +going into the bar, I paid down the money for the horse. + +Scarcely was the bargain concluded, when two or three of the company +began to envy me the possession of the horse, and forcing their way into +the bar, with much noise and clamour, said that the horse had been sold +too cheap. One fellow, in particular, with a red waistcoat, the son of a +wealthy farmer, said that if he had but known that the horse had been so +good a one, he would have bought it at the first price asked for it, +which he was now willing to pay, that is to-morrow, supposing--"supposing +your father will let you have the money," said the landlord, "which, +after all, might not be the case; but, however that may be, it is too +late now. I think myself the horse has been sold for too little money, +but if so, all the better for the young man who came forward when no +other body did with his money in his hand. There, take yourselves out of +my bar," said he to the fellows; "and a pretty scoundrel you," said he to +the man of the red waistcoat, "to say the horse has been sold too cheap, +why, it was only yesterday you said he was good for nothing, and were +passing all kinds of jokes at him. Take yourself out of my bar, I say, +you and all of you," and he turned the fellows out. I then asked the +landlord whether he would permit the horse to remain in the stable for a +short time, provided I paid for his entertainment; and on his willingly +consenting, I treated my friends with ale, and then returned with them to +the encampment. + +That evening I informed Mr. Petulengro and his party that on the morrow I +intended to mount my horse and leave that part of the country in quest of +adventures; inquiring of Jasper where, in the event of my selling the +horse advantageously, I might meet with him, and repay the money I had +borrowed of him; whereupon Mr. Petulengro informed me that in about ten +weeks I might find him at a certain place at the Chong gav. I then +stated that as I could not well carry with me the property which I +possessed in the dingle, which after all was of no considerable value, I +had resolved to bestow the said property, namely, the pony, tent, tinker- +tools, &c., on Ursula and her husband, partly because they were poor, and +partly on account of the great kindness which I bore to Ursula, from whom +I had, on various occasions, experienced all manner of civility, +particularly in regard to crabbed words. On hearing this intelligence, +Ursula returned many thanks to her gentle brother, as she called me, and +Sylvester was so overjoyed that casting aside his usual phlegm, he said I +was the best friend he had ever had in the world, and in testimony of his +gratitude swore that he would permit me to give his wife a choomer in the +presence of the whole company, which offer, however, met with a very +mortifying reception; the company frowning disapprobation, Ursula +protesting against anything of the kind, and I myself showing no +forwardness to avail myself of it, having inherited from nature a +considerable fund of modesty, to which was added no slight store acquired +in the course of my Irish education. I passed that night alone in the +dingle in a very melancholy manner, with little or no sleep, thinking of +Isopel Berners; and in the morning when I quitted it I shed several +tears, as I reflected that I should probably never again see the spot +where I had passed so many hours in her company. + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + +FAREWELL TO THE ROMANS--THE LANDLORD AND HIS NIECE--SET OUT AS A +TRAVELLER. + +On reaching the plain above, I found my Romany friends breakfasting, and +on being asked by Mr. Petulengro to join them, I accepted the invitation. +No sooner was breakfast over than I informed Ursula and her husband that +they would find the property which I had promised them below in the +dingle, commending the little pony Ambrol to their best care. I took +leave of the whole company, which was itself about to break up camp and +to depart in the direction of London, and made the best of my way to the +public-house. I had a small bundle in my hand, and was dressed in the +same manner as when I departed from London, having left my waggoner's +slop with the other effects in the dingle. On arriving at the public- +house, I informed the landlord that I was come for my horse, inquiring at +the same time whether he could not accommodate me with a bridle and +saddle. He told me that the bridle and saddle with which I had ridden +the horse on the preceding day were at my service for a trifle; that he +had received them some time since in payment for a debt, and that he had +himself no use for them. The leathers of the bridle were rather shabby, +and the bit rusty, and the saddle was old-fashioned; but I was happy to +purchase them for seven shillings, more especially as the landlord added +a small valise, which he said could be strapped to the saddle, and which +I should find very convenient for carrying my things in. I then +proceeded to the stable, told the horse we were bound on an expedition, +and giving him a feed of corn, left him to discuss it, and returned to +the bar-room to have a little farewell chat with the landlord, and at the +same time to drink with him a farewell glass of ale. Whilst we were +talking and drinking, the niece came and joined us: she was a decent, +sensible, young woman, who appeared to take a great interest in her +uncle, whom she regarded with a singular mixture of pride and +disapprobation--pride for the renown which he had acquired by his feats +of old, and disapprobation for his late imprudences. She said that she +hoped that his misfortunes would be a warning to him to turn more to his +God than he had hitherto done, and to give up cock-fighting and other low- +life practices. To which the landlord replied, that with respect to cock- +fighting he intended to give it up entirely, being determined no longer +to risk his capital upon birds, and with respect to his religious duties +he should attend the church of which he was churchwarden at least once a +quarter, adding, however, that he did not intend to become either canter +or driveller, neither of which characters would befit a publican +surrounded by such customers as he was, and that to the last day of his +life he hoped to be able to make use of his fists. After a stay of about +two hours I settled accounts; and having bridled and saddled my horse, +and strapped on the valise, I mounted, shook hands with the landlord and +his niece, and departed, notwithstanding that they both entreated me to +tarry until the evening, it being then the heat of the day. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + + +AN ADVENTURE ON THE ROADS--THE SIX FLINT STONES--A RURAL SCENE--MEAD--THE +OLD MAN AND HIS BEES. + +I bent my course in the direction of the north, more induced by chance +than any particular motive; all quarters of the world having about equal +attractions for me. I was in high spirits at finding myself once more on +horseback, and trotted gaily on, until the heat of the weather induced me +to slacken my pace, more out of pity for my horse than because I felt any +particular inconvenience from it--heat and cold being then, and still, +matters of great indifference to me. What I thought of I scarcely know, +save and except that I have a glimmering recollection that I felt some +desire to meet with one of those adventures which upon the roads of +England are generally as plentiful as blackberries in autumn; and +Fortune, who has generally been ready to gratify my inclinations, +provided it cost her very little by so doing, was not slow in furnishing +me with an adventure, perhaps as characteristic of the English roads as +anything which could have happened. + +I might have travelled about six miles, amongst cross-roads and lanes, +when suddenly I found myself upon a broad and very dusty road, which +seemed to lead due north. As I wended along this, I saw a man upon a +donkey, riding towards me. The man was commonly dressed, with a broad +felt hat on his head, and a kind of satchel on his back; he seemed to be +in a mighty hurry, and was every now and then belabouring the donkey with +a cudgel. The donkey, however, which was a fine large creature of the +silver-grey species, did not appear to sympathise at all with its rider +in his desire to get on, but kept its head turned back as much as +possible, moving from one side of the road to the other, and not making +much forward way. As I passed, being naturally of a very polite +disposition, I gave the man the sele of the day, asking him at the same +time why he beat the donkey; whereupon the fellow, eyeing me askance, +told me to mind my own business, with the addition of something which I +need not repeat. I had not proceeded a furlong before I saw seated on +the dust by the wayside, close by a heap of stones, and with several +flints before him, a respectable-looking old man, with a straw hat and a +white smock, who was weeping bitterly. + +"What are you crying for, father?" said I. "Have you come to any hurt?" +"Hurt enough," sobbed the old man; "I have been just tricked out of the +best ass in England by a villain who gave me nothing but these trash in +return," pointing to the stones before him. "I really scarcely +understand you," said I, "I wish you would explain yourself more +clearly." "I was riding on my ass from market," said the old man, "when +I met here a fellow with a sack on his back, who, after staring at the +ass and me a moment or two, asked me if I would sell her. I told him +that I could not think of selling her, as she was very useful to me, and +though an animal, my true companion, whom I loved as much as if she were +my wife and daughter. I then attempted to pass on, but the fellow stood +before me, begging me to sell her, saying that he would give me anything +for her; well, seeing that he persisted, I said at last that if I sold +her, I must have six pounds for her, and I said so to get rid of him, for +I saw that he was a shabby fellow, who had probably not six shillings in +the world; but I had better have held my tongue," said the old man, +crying more bitterly than before, "for the words were scarcely out of my +mouth, when he said he would give me what I asked, and taking the sack +from his back, he pulled out a steelyard, and going to the heap of stones +there, he took up several of them and weighed them, then flinging them +down before me, he said, 'There are six pounds, neighbour; now, get off +the ass, and hand her over to me.' Well, I sat like one dumbfoundered +for a time, till at last I asked him what he meant? 'What do I mean,' +said he, 'you old rascal, why, I mean to claim my purchase,' and then he +swore so awfully, that scarcely knowing what I did I got down, and he +jumped on the animal and rode off as fast as he could." "I suppose he +was the fellow," said I, "whom I just now met upon a fine grey ass, which +he was beating with a cudgel." "I daresay he was," said the old man, "I +saw him beating her as he rode away, and I thought I should have died." +"I never heard such a story," said I; "well, do you mean to submit to +such a piece of roguery quietly?" "Oh dear," said the old man, "what can +I do? I am seventy-nine years of age; I am bad on my feet, and dar'n't +go after him." "Shall I go?" said I; "the fellow is a thief, and any one +has a right to stop him." "Oh, if you could but bring her again to me," +said the old man, "I would bless you to my dying day; but have a care; I +don't know but after all the law may say that she is his lawful purchase. +I asked six pounds for her, and he gave me six pounds." "Six flints you +mean," said I; "no, no, the law is not quite so bad as that either; I +know something about her, and am sure that she will never sanction such a +quibble. At all events, I'll ride after the fellow." Thereupon turning +the horse round, I put him to his very best trot; I rode nearly a mile +without obtaining a glimpse of the fellow, and was becoming apprehensive +that he had escaped me by turning down some by-path, two or three of +which I had passed. Suddenly, however, on the road making a slight +turning, I perceived him right before me, moving at a tolerably swift +pace, having by this time probably overcome the resistance of the animal. +Putting my horse to a full gallop, I shouted at the top of my voice "Get +off that donkey, you rascal, and give her up to me, or I'll ride you +down." The fellow hearing the thunder of the horse's hoofs behind him, +drew up on one side of the road. "What do you want?" said he, as I +stopped my charger, now almost covered with sweat and foam, close beside +him. "Do you want to rob me?" "To rob you?" said I. "No! but to take +from you that ass, of which you have just robbed its owner." "I have +robbed no man," said the fellow; "I just now purchased it fairly of its +master, and the law will give it to me; he asked six pounds for it, and I +gave him six pounds." "Six stones, you mean, you rascal," said I; "get +down, or my horse shall be upon you in a moment;" then with a motion of +my reins, I caused the horse to rear, pressing his sides with my heels as +if I intended to make him leap. "Stop," said the man, "I'll get down, +and then try if I can't serve you out." He then got down, and confronted +me with his cudgel; he was a horrible-looking fellow, and seemed prepared +for anything. Scarcely, however, had he dismounted, when the donkey +jerked the bridle out of his hand, and probably in revenge for the usage +she had received, gave him a pair of tremendous kicks on the hip with her +hinder legs, which overturned him, and then scampered down the road the +way she had come. "Pretty treatment this," said the fellow, getting up +without his cudgel, and holding his hand to his side, "I wish I may not +be lamed for life." "And if you be," said I, "it would merely serve you +right, you rascal, for trying to cheat a poor old man out of his property +by quibbling at words." "Rascal!" said the fellow, "you lie, I am no +rascal; and as for quibbling with words--suppose I did! What then? All +the first people does it! The newspapers does it! The gentlefolks that +calls themselves the guides of the popular mind does it! I'm no +ignoramus. I reads the newspapers, and knows what's what." "You read +them to some purpose," said I. "Well, if you are lamed for life, and +unfitted for any active line--turn newspaper editor; I should say you are +perfectly qualified, and this day's adventure may be the foundation of +your fortune;" thereupon I turned round and rode off. The fellow +followed me with a torrent of abuse. "Confound you," said he--yet that +was not the expression either--"I know you; you are one of the +horse-patrol, come down into the country on leave to see your relations. +Confound you, you and the like of you have knocked my business on the +head near Lunnon, and I suppose we shall have you shortly in the +country." "To the newspaper office," said I, "and fabricate falsehoods +out of flint stones;" then touching the horse with my heels, I trotted +off, and coming to the place where I had seen the old man, I found him +there, risen from the ground, and embracing his ass. + +I told him that I was travelling down the road, and said that if his way +lay in the same direction as mine, he could do no better than accompany +me for some distance, lest the fellow, who, for aught I knew, might be +hovering nigh, might catch him alone, and again get his ass from him. +After thanking me for my offer, which he said he would accept, he got +upon his ass, and we proceeded together down the road. My new +acquaintance said very little of his own accord; and when I asked him a +question, answered rather incoherently. I heard him every now and then +say, "Villain!" to himself, after which he would pat the donkey's neck, +from which circumstance I concluded that his mind was occupied with his +late adventure. After travelling about two miles, we reached a place +where a drift-way on the right led from the great road; here my companion +stopped, and on my asking him whether he was going any farther, he told +me that the path to the right was the way to his home. + +I was bidding him farewell, when he hemmed once or twice, and said that +as he did not live far off, he hoped that I would go with him and taste +some of his mead. As I had never tasted mead, of which I had frequently +read in the compositions of the Welsh bards, and, moreover, felt rather +thirsty from the heat of the day, I told him that I should have great +pleasure in attending him. Whereupon, turning off together, we proceeded +about half a mile, sometimes between stone walls, and at other times +hedges, till we reached a small hamlet, through which we passed, and +presently came to a very pretty cottage, delightfully situated within a +garden, surrounded by a hedge of woodbines. Opening a gate at one corner +of the garden, he led the way to a large shed which stood partly behind +the cottage, which he said was his stable; thereupon he dismounted and +led his donkey into the shed, which was without stalls, but had a long +rack and manger. On one side he tied his donkey, after taking off her +caparisons, and I followed his example, tying my horse at the other side +with a rope halter which he gave me; he then asked me to come in and +taste his mead, but I told him that I must attend to the comfort of my +horse first, and forthwith, taking a wisp of straw, rubbed him carefully +down. Then taking a pailful of clear water which stood in the shed, I +allowed the horse to drink about half a pint; and then turning to the old +man, who all the time had stood by looking at my proceedings, I asked him +whether he had any oats? "I have all kinds of grain," he replied; and, +going out, he presently returned with two measures, one a large and the +other a small one, both filled with oats, mixed with a few beans, and +handing the large one to me for the horse, he emptied the other before +the donkey, who, before she began to despatch it, turned her nose to her +master's face and fairly kissed him. Having given my horse his portion, +I told the old man that I was ready to taste his mead as soon as he +pleased, whereupon he ushered me into his cottage, where, making me sit +down by a deal table in a neatly-sanded kitchen, he produced from an old- +fashioned closet a bottle, holding about a quart, and a couple of cups, +which might each contain about half a pint, then opening the bottle and +filling the cups with a brown-coloured liquor, he handed one to me, and +taking a seat opposite to me, he lifted the other, nodded, and saying to +me--"Health and welcome," placed it to his lips and drank. + +"Health and thanks," I replied; and being very thirsty, emptied my cup at +a draught; I had scarcely done so, however, when I half repented. The +mead was deliciously sweet and mellow, but appeared strong as brandy; my +eyes reeled in my head, and my brain became slightly dizzy. "Mead is a +strong drink," said the old man, as he looked at me, with a half smile on +his countenance. "This is, at any rate," said I, "so strong, indeed, +that I would not drink another cup for any consideration." "And I would +not ask you," said the old man; "for, if you did, you would most probably +be stupid all day, and wake next morning with a headache. Mead is a good +drink, but woundily strong, especially to those who be not used to it, as +I suppose you are not." "Where do you get it?" said I. "I make it +myself," said the old man, "from the honey which my bees make." "Have +you many bees?" I inquired. "A great many," said the old man. "And do +you keep them," said I, "for the sake of making mead with their honey?" +"I keep them," he replied, "partly because I am fond of them, and partly +for what they bring me in; they make me a great deal of honey, some of +which I sell, and with a little I make me some mead to warm my poor heart +with, or occasionally to treat a friend with like yourself." "And do you +support yourself entirely by means of your bees?" "No," said the old +man; "I have a little bit of ground behind my house, which is my +principal means of support." "And do you live alone?" "Yes," said he; +"with the exception of the bees and the donkey, I live quite alone." "And +have you always lived alone?" The old man emptied his cup, and his heart +being warmed with the mead, he told me his history, which was simplicity +itself. His father was a small yeoman, who, at his death, had left him, +his only child, the cottage, with a small piece of ground behind it, and +on this little property he had lived ever since. About the age of twenty- +five he had married an industrious young woman, by whom he had one +daughter, who died before reaching years of womanhood. His wife, +however, had survived her daughter many years, and had been a great +comfort to him, assisting him in his rural occupations; but, about four +years before the present period, he had lost her, since which time he had +lived alone, making himself as comfortable as he could; cultivating his +ground, with the help of a lad from the neighbouring village, attending +to his bees, and occasionally riding his donkey to market, and hearing +the word of God, which he said he was sorry he could not read, twice a +week regularly at the parish church. Such was the old man's tale. + +When he had finished speaking, he led me behind his house, and showed me +his little domain. It consisted of about two acres in admirable +cultivation; a small portion of it formed a kitchen garden, while the +rest was sown with four kinds of grain, wheat, barley, pease, and beans. +The air was full of ambrosial sweets, resembling those proceeding from an +orange grove; a place, which though I had never seen at that time, I +since have. In the garden was the habitation of the bees, a long box, +supported upon three oaken stumps. It was full of small round glass +windows, and appeared to be divided into a great many compartments, much +resembling drawers placed sideways. He told me that, as one compartment +was filled, the bees left it for another; so that, whenever he wanted +honey, he could procure some without injuring the insects. Through the +little round windows I could see several of the bees at work; hundreds +were going in and out of the doors; hundreds were buzzing about on the +flowers, the woodbines, and beans. As I looked around on the +well-cultivated field, the garden, and the bees, I thought I had never +before seen so rural and peaceful a scene. + +When we returned to the cottage we again sat down, and I asked the old +man whether he was not afraid to live alone. He told me that he was not, +for that, upon the whole, his neighbours were very kind to him. I +mentioned the fellow who had swindled him of his donkey upon the road. +"That was no neighbour of mine," said the old man, "and perhaps I shall +never see him again, or his like." "It's a dreadful thing," said I, "to +have no other resource, when injured, than to shed tears on the road." +"It is so," said the old man; "but God saw the tears of the old, and sent +a helper." "Why did you not help yourself?" said I. "Instead of getting +off your ass, why did you not punch at the fellow, or at any rate use +dreadful language, call him villain, and shout robbery?" "Punch!" said +the old man, "shout! what, with these hands, and this voice--Lord, how +you run on! I am old, young chap, I am old!" "Well," said I, "it is a +shameful thing to cry even when old." "You think so now," said the old +man, "because you are young and strong; perhaps when you are as old as I, +you will not be ashamed to cry." + +Upon the whole I was rather pleased with the old man, and much with all +about him. As evening drew nigh, I told him that I must proceed on my +journey; whereupon he invited me to tarry with him during the night, +telling me that he had a nice room and bed above at my service. I, +however, declined; and bidding him farewell, mounted my horse, and +departed. Regaining the road, I proceeded once more in the direction of +the north; and, after a few hours, coming to a comfortable public house, +I stopped and put up for the night. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + + +THE SINGULAR NOISE--SLEEPING IN A MEADOW--THE BOOK--CURE FOR +WAKEFULNESS--LITERARY TEA PARTY--POOR BYRON. + +I did not wake till rather late the next morning; and when I did, I felt +considerable drowsiness, with a slight headache, which I was uncharitable +enough to attribute to the mead which I had drank on the preceding day. +After feeding my horse, and breakfasting, I proceeded on my wanderings. +Nothing occurred worthy of relating till midday was considerably past, +when I came to a pleasant valley, between two gentle hills. I had +dismounted, in order to ease my horse, and was leading him along by the +bridle, when, on my right, behind a bank in which some umbrageous ashes +were growing, I heard a singular noise. I stopped short and listened, +and presently said to myself, "Surely this is snoring, perhaps that of a +hedgehog." On further consideration, however, I was convinced that the +noise which I heard, and which certainly seemed to be snoring, could not +possibly proceed from the nostrils of so small an animal, but must rather +come from those of a giant, so loud and sonorous was it. About two or +three yards farther was a gate, partly open, to which I went, and peeping +into the field, saw a man lying on some rich grass, under the shade of +one of the ashes; he was snoring away at a great rate. Impelled by +curiosity, I fastened the bridle of my horse to the gate, and went up to +the man. He was a genteelly-dressed individual; rather corpulent, with +dark features, and seemingly about forty-five. He lay on his back, his +hat slightly over his brow, and at his right hand lay an open book. So +strenuously did he snore that the wind from his nostrils agitated, +perceptibly, a fine cambric frill which he wore at his bosom. I gazed +upon him for some time, expecting that he might awake; but he did not, +but kept on snoring, his breast heaving convulsively. At last, the noise +he made became so terrible, that I felt alarmed for his safety, imagining +that a fit might seize him, and he lose his life whilst asleep. I +therefore exclaimed, "Sir, sir, awake! you sleep overmuch." But my voice +failed to rouse him, and he continued snoring as before; whereupon I +touched him slightly with my riding wand, but failing to wake him I +touched him again more vigorously; whereupon he opened his eyes, and, +probably imagining himself in a dream, closed them again. But I was +determined to arouse him, and cried as loud as I could, "Sir, sir, pray +sleep no more!" He heard what I said, opened his eyes again, stared at +me with a look of some consciousness, and, half raising himself upon his +elbows, asked me what was the matter. "I beg your pardon," said I, "but +I took the liberty of awaking you, because you appeared to be much +disturbed in your sleep--I was fearful, too, that you might catch a fever +from sleeping under a tree." "I run no risk," said the man, "I often +come and sleep here; and as for being disturbed in my sleep, I felt very +comfortable; I wish you had not awoken me." "Well," said I, "I beg your +pardon once more. I assure you that what I did was with the best +intention." "Oh! pray make no further apology," said the individual, "I +make no doubt that what you did was done kindly; but there's an old +proverb to the effect 'that you should let sleeping dogs lie,'" he added, +with a smile. Then, getting up, and stretching himself with a yawn, he +took up his book and said, "I have slept quite long enough, and it's +quite time for me to be going home." "Excuse my curiosity," said I, "if +I inquire what may induce you to come and sleep in this meadow?" "To +tell you the truth," answered he, "I am a bad sleeper." "Pray pardon +me," said I, "if I tell you that I never saw one sleep more heartily." +"If I did so," said the individual, "I am beholden to this meadow and +this book; but I am talking riddles, and will explain myself. I am the +owner of a very pretty property, of which this valley forms part. Some +years ago, however, up started a person who said the property was his; a +lawsuit ensued, and I was on the brink of losing my all, when, most +unexpectedly, the suit was determined in my favour. Owing, however, to +the anxiety to which my mind had been subjected for years, my nerves had +become terribly shaken; and no sooner was the trial terminated than sleep +forsook my pillow. I sometimes passed nights without closing an eye; I +took opiates, but they rather increased than alleviated my malady. About +three weeks ago a friend of mine put this book into my hand, and advised +me to take it every day to some pleasant part of my estate, and try and +read a page or two, assuring me, if I did, that I should infallibly fall +asleep. I took his advice, and selecting this place, which I considered +the pleasantest part of my property, I came, and lying down, commenced +reading the book, and before finishing a page was in a dead slumber. +Every day since then I have repeated the experiment, and every time with +equal success. I am a single man, without any children; and yesterday I +made my will, in which, in the event of my friend's surviving me, I have +left him all my fortune, in gratitude for his having procured for me the +most invaluable of all blessings--sleep." + +"Dear me," said I, "how very extraordinary! Do you think that your going +to sleep is caused by the meadow or the book?" "I suppose by both," said +my new acquaintance, "acting in co-operation." "It may be so," said I; +"the magic influence does certainly not proceed from the meadow alone; +for since I have been here, I have not felt the slightest inclination to +sleep. Does the book consist of prose or poetry?" "It consists of +poetry," said the individual. "Not Byron's?" said I. "Byron's!" +repeated the individual, with a smile of contempt; "no, no; there is +nothing narcotic in Byron's poetry. I don't like it. I used to read it, +but it thrilled, agitated, and kept me awake. No, this is not Byron's +poetry, but the inimitable . . .'s"--mentioning a name which I had never +heard till then. "Will you permit me to look at it?" said I. "With +pleasure," he answered, politely handing me the book. I took the volume, +and glanced over the contents. It was written in blank verse, and +appeared to abound in descriptions of scenery; there was much mention of +mountains, valleys, streams and waterfalls, harebells, and daffodils. +These descriptions were interspersed with dialogues, which, though they +proceeded from the mouths of pedlars and rustics, were of the most +edifying description; mostly on subjects moral or metaphysical, and +couched in the most gentlemanly and unexceptionable language, without the +slightest mixture of vulgarity, coarseness, or piebald grammar. Such +appeared to me to be the contents of the book; but before I could form a +very clear idea of them, I found myself nodding, and a surprising desire +to sleep coming over me. Rousing myself, however, by a strong effort, I +closed the book, and, returning it to the owner, inquired of him, +"Whether he had any motive in coming and lying down in the meadow, +besides the wish of enjoying sleep?" "None whatever," he replied; +"indeed, I should be very glad not to be compelled to do so, always +provided I could enjoy the blessing of sleep; for by lying down under +trees, I may possibly catch the rheumatism, or be stung by serpents; and, +moreover, in the rainy season and winter the thing will be impossible, +unless I erect a tent, which will possibly destroy the charm." "Well," +said I, "you need give yourself no further trouble about coming here, as +I am fully convinced that with this book in your hand, you may go to +sleep anywhere, as your friend was doubtless aware, though he wished to +interest your imagination for a time by persuading you to lie abroad; +therefore, in future, whenever you feel disposed to sleep, try to read +the book, and you will be sound asleep in a minute; the narcotic +influence lies in the book, and not in the field." "I will follow your +advice," said the individual, "and this very night take it with me to +bed; though I hope in time to be able to sleep without it, my nerves +being already much quieted from the slumbers I have enjoyed in this +field." He then moved towards the gate, where we parted; he going one +way, and I and my horse the other. + +More than twenty years subsequent to this period, after much wandering +about the world, returning to my native country, I was invited to a +literary tea-party, where, the discourse turning upon poetry, I, in order +to show that I was not more ignorant than my neighbours, began to talk +about Byron, for whose writings I really entertained a considerable +admiration, though I had no particular esteem for the man himself. At +first I received no answer to what I said--the company merely surveying +me with a kind of sleepy stare. At length a lady, about the age of +forty, with a large wart on her face, observed in a drawling tone, "That +she had not read Byron--at least since her girlhood--and then only a few +passages; but that the impression on her mind was, that his writings were +of a highly objectionable character." "I also read a little of him in my +boyhood," said a gentleman, about sixty, but who evidently, from his +dress and demeanour, wished to appear about thirty, "but I highly +disapproved of him; for, notwithstanding he was a nobleman, he is +frequently very coarse, and very fond of raising emotion. Now emotion is +what I dislike;" drawling out the last syllable of the word dislike. +"There is only one poet for me--the divine . . ."--and then he mentioned +a name which I had only once heard, and afterwards quite forgotten; the +name mentioned by the snorer in the field. "Ah! there is no one like +him!" murmured some more of the company; "the poet of nature--of nature +without its vulgarity." I wished very much to ask these people whether +they were ever bad sleepers, and whether they had read the poet, so +called, from a desire of being set to sleep. Within a few days, however, +I learned that it had of late become very fashionable and genteel to +appear half asleep, and that one could exhibit no better mark of +superfine breeding than by occasionally in company setting one's ronchal +organ in action. I then ceased to wonder at the popularity, which I +found nearly universal, of . . .'s poetry; for, certainly in order to +make one's self appear sleepy in company, or occasionally to induce +sleep, nothing could be more efficacious than a slight pre-lection of his +poems. So, poor Byron, with his fire and emotion--to say nothing of his +mouthings and coxcombry--was dethroned, as I had prophesied he would be +more than twenty years before, on the day of his funeral, though I had +little idea that his humiliation would have been brought about by one +whose sole strength consists in setting people to sleep. Well, all +things are doomed to terminate in sleep. Before that termination, +however, I will venture to prophesy that people will become a little more +awake--snoring and yawning be a little less in fashion--and poor Byron be +once more reinstated on his throne, though his rival will always stand a +good chance of being worshipped by those whose ruined nerves are +insensible to the narcotic powers of opium and morphine. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + + +DRIVERS AND FRONT OUTSIDE PASSENGERS--FATIGUE OF BODY AND MIND--UNEXPECTED +GREETING--MY INN--THE GOVERNOR--ENGAGEMENT. + +I continued my journey, passing through one or two villages. The day was +exceedingly hot, and the roads dusty. In order to cause my horse as +little fatigue as possible, and not to chafe his back, I led him by the +bridle, my doing which brought upon me a shower of remarks, jests, and +would-be witticisms from the drivers and front outside passengers of +sundry stagecoaches, which passed me in one direction or the other. In +this way I proceeded till considerably past noon, when I felt myself very +fatigued, and my horse appeared no less so; and it is probable that the +lazy and listless manner in which we were moving on tired us both much +more effectually than hurrying along at a swift trot would have done, for +I have observed that when the energies of the body are not exerted a +languor frequently comes over it. At length, arriving at a very large +building with an archway, near the entrance of a town, I sat down on what +appeared to be a stepping-block, and presently experienced a great +depression of spirits. I began to ask myself whither I was going, and +what I should do with myself and the horse which I held by the bridle? It +appeared to me that I was alone in the world with the poor animal, who +looked for support to me, who knew not how to support myself. Then the +image of Isopel Berners came into my mind, and when I bethought me how I +had lost her for ever, and how happy I might have been with her in the +New World had she not deserted me, I became yet more miserable. + +As I sat in this frame of mind, I suddenly felt some one clap me on the +shoulder, and heard a voice say, "Ha! comrade of the dingle, what chance +has brought you into these parts?" I turned round, and beheld a man in +the dress of a postillion, whom I instantly recognised as he to whom I +had rendered assistance on the night of the storm. + +"Ah!" said I, "is it you? I am glad to see you, for I was feeling very +lonely and melancholy." + +"Lonely and melancholy," he replied, "how is that? how can any one be +lonely and melancholy with such a noble horse as that you hold by the +bridle?" + +"The horse," said I, "is one cause of my melancholy, for I know not in +the world what to do with it." + +"Is it your own?" + +"Yes," said I, "I may call it my own, though I borrowed the money to +purchase it." + +"Well, why don't you sell it?" + +"It is not always easy to find a purchaser for a horse like this," said +I; "can you recommend me one?" + +"I? Why, no, not exactly; but you'll find a purchaser shortly--pooh! if +you have no other cause for disquiet than that horse, cheer up, man, +don't be cast down. Have you nothing else on your mind? By-the-bye, +what's become of the young women you were keeping company with in that +queer lodging-place of yours?" + +"She has left me," said I. + +"You quarrelled, I suppose?" + +"No," said I, "we did not exactly quarrel, but we are parted." + +"Well," replied he, "but you will soon come together again." + +"No," said I, "we are parted for ever." + +"Forever! Pooh! you little know how people sometimes come together again +who think they are parted for ever. Here's something on that point +relating to myself. You remember, when I told you my story in that +dingle of yours, that I mentioned a young woman, my fellow-servant when I +lived with the English family in Mumbo Jumbo's town, and how she and I, +when our foolish governors were thinking of changing their religion, +agreed to stand by each other, and be true to old Church of England, and +to give our governors warning, provided they tried to make us renegades. +Well, she and I parted soon after that, and never thought to meet again, +yet we met the other day in the fields, for she lately came to live with +a great family not far from here, and we have since agreed to marry, to +take a little farm, for we have both a trifle of money, and live together +till 'death us do part.' So much for parting for ever! But what do I +mean by keeping you broiling in the sun with your horse's bridle in your +hand, and you on my own ground? Do you know where you are? Why, that +great house is my inn, that is, it's my master's, the best fellow in . . . +Come along, you and your horse both will find a welcome at my inn." + +Thereupon he led the way into a large court in which there were coaches, +chaises, and a great many people; taking my horse from me, he led it into +a nice cool stall, and fastened it to the rack--he then conducted me into +a postillion's keeping-room, which at that time chanced to be empty, and +he then fetched a pot of beer and sat down by me. + +After a little conversation he asked me what I intended to do, and I told +him frankly that I did not know; whereupon he observed that, provided I +had no objection, he had little doubt that I could be accommodated for +some time at his inn. "Our upper ostler," said he, "died about a week +ago; he was a clever fellow, and, besides his trade, understood reading +and accounts." + +"Dear me," said I, interrupting him, "I am not fitted for the place of +ostler--moreover, I refused the place of ostler at a public-house, which +was offered to me only a few days ago." The postillion burst into a +laugh. "Ostler at a public-house, indeed! why, you would not compare a +berth at a place like that with the situation of ostler at my inn, the +first road-house in England! However, I was not thinking of the place of +ostler for you; you are, as you say, not fitted for it, at any rate not +at a house like this. We have, moreover, the best under-ostler in all +England--old Bill, with the drawback that he is rather fond of drink. We +could make shift with him very well, provided we could fall in with a man +of writing and figures, who could give an account of the hay and corn +which comes in and goes out, and wouldn't object to give a look +occasionally at the yard. Now it appears to me that you are just such a +kind of man, and if you will allow me to speak to the governor, I don't +doubt that he will gladly take you, as he feels kindly disposed towards +you from what he has heard me say concerning you." + +"And what should I do with my horse?" said I. + +"The horse need give you no uneasiness," said the postillion; "I know he +will be welcome here both for bed and manger, and perhaps in a little +time you may find a purchaser, as a vast number of sporting people +frequent this house." I offered two or three more objections, which the +postillion overcame with great force of argument, and the pot being +nearly empty, he drained it to the bottom drop, and then starting up, +left me alone. + +In about twenty minutes he returned, accompanied by a highly intelligent- +looking individual dressed in blue and black, with a particularly white +cravat, and without a hat on his head; this individual, whom I should +have mistaken for a gentleman but for the intelligence depicted in his +face, he introduced to me as the master of the inn. The master of the +inn shook me warmly by the hand, told me that he was happy to see me in +his house, and thanked me in the handsomest terms for the kindness I had +shown to his servant in the affair of the thunder-storm. Then saying +that he was informed I was out of employ, he assured me that he should be +most happy to engage me to keep his hay and corn account, and as general +superintendent of the yard, and that with respect to the horse which he +was told I had, he begged to inform me that I was perfectly at liberty to +keep it at the inn upon the very best, until I could find a +purchaser,--that with regard to wages--but he had no sooner mentioned +wages than I cut him short, saying, that provided I stayed I should be +most happy to serve him for bed and board, and requested that he would +allow me until the next morning to consider of his offer; he willingly +consented to my request, and, begging that I would call for anything I +pleased, left me alone with the postillion. + +I passed that night until about ten o'clock with the postillion, when he +left me, having to drive a family about ten miles across the country; +before his departure, however, I told him that I had determined to accept +the offer of his governor, as he called him. At the bottom of my heart I +was most happy that an offer had been made, which secured to myself and +the animal a comfortable retreat at a moment when I knew not whither in +the world to take myself and him. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + + +AN INN OF TIMES GONE BY--A FIRST-RATE PUBLICAN--HAY AND +CORN--OLD-FASHIONED OSTLER--HIGHWAYMEN--MOUNTED POLICE--GROOMING. + +The inn, of which I had become an inhabitant, was a place of infinite +life and bustle. Travellers of all descriptions, from all the cardinal +points, were continually stopping at it; and to attend to their wants, +and minister to their convenience, an army of servants, of one +description or other, was kept: waiters, chambermaids, grooms, +postillions, shoe-blacks, cooks, scullions, and what not, for there was a +barber and hair-dresser, who had been at Paris, and talked French with a +cockney accent; the French sounding all the better, as no accent is so +melodious as the cockney. Jacks creaked in the kitchens turning round +spits, on which large joints of meat piped and smoked before the great +big fires. There was running up and down stairs, and along galleries, +slamming of doors, cries of "Coming, sir," and "Please to step this way, +ma'am," during eighteen hours of the four-and-twenty. Truly a very great +place for life and bustle was this inn. And often in after life, when +lonely and melancholy, I have called up the time I spent there, and never +failed to become cheerful from the recollection. + +I found the master of the house a very kind and civil person. Before +being an inn-keeper he had been in some other line of business, but on +the death of the former proprietor of the inn had married his widow, who +was still alive, but being somewhat infirm, lived in a retired part of +the house. I have said that he was kind and civil; he was, however, not +one of those people who suffer themselves to be made fools of by anybody; +he knew his customers, and had a calm clear eye, which would look through +a man without seeming to do so. The accommodation of his house was of +the very best description; his wines were good, his viands equally so, +and his charges not immoderate; though he very properly took care of +himself. He was no vulgar inn-keeper, had a host of friends, and +deserved them all. During the time I lived with him, he was presented, +by a large assemblage of his friends and customers, with a dinner at his +own house, which was very costly, and at which the best of wines were +sported, and after the dinner with a piece of plate, estimated at fifty +guineas. He received the plate, made a neat speech of thanks, and when +the bill was called for, made another neat speech, in which he refused to +receive one farthing for the entertainment, ordering in at the same time +two dozen more of the best champagne, and sitting down amidst uproarious +applause, and cries of "You shall be no loser by it!" Nothing very +wonderful in such conduct, some people will say; I don't say there is, +nor have I any intention to endeavour to persuade the reader that the +landlord was a Carlo Borromeo; he merely gave a quid pro quo; but it is +not every person who will give you a quid pro quo. Had he been a vulgar +publican, he would have sent in a swinging bill after receiving the +plate; "but then no vulgar publican would have been presented with +plate;" perhaps not, but many a vulgar public character has been +presented with plate, whose admirers never received a quid pro quo, +except in the shape of a swinging bill. + +I found my duties of distributing hay and corn, and keeping an account +thereof, anything but disagreeable, particularly after I had acquired the +good-will of the old ostler, who at first looked upon me with rather an +evil eye, considering me somewhat in the light of one who had usurped an +office which belonged to himself by the right of succession; but there +was little gall in the old fellow, and by speaking kindly to him, never +giving myself any airs of assumption, but, above all, by frequently +reading the newspapers to him--for, though passionately fond of news and +politics, he was unable to read--I soon succeeded in placing myself on +excellent terms with him. A regular character was that old ostler; he +was a Yorkshireman by birth, but had seen a great deal of life in the +vicinity of London, to which, on the death of his parents, who were very +poor people, he went at a very early age. Amongst other places where he +had served as ostler was a small inn at Hounslow, much frequented by +highwaymen, whose exploits he was fond of narrating, especially those of +Jerry Abershaw, who, he said, was a capital rider; and on hearing his +accounts of that worthy I half regretted that the old fellow had not been +in London, and I had not formed his acquaintance about the time I was +thinking of writing the life of the said Abershaw, not doubting that with +his assistance I could have produced a book at least as remarkable as the +life and adventures of that entirely imaginary personage, Joseph Sell; +perhaps, however, I was mistaken; and whenever Abershaw's life shall +appear before the public--and my publisher credibly informs me that it +has not yet appeared--I beg and entreat the public to state which it +likes best, the life of Abershaw, or that of Sell, for which latter work +I am informed that during the last few months there has been a prodigious +demand. My old friend, however, after talking of Abershaw, would +frequently add that, good rider as Abershaw certainly was, he was +decidedly inferior to Richard Ferguson, generally called Galloping Dick, +who was a pal of Abershaw's, and had enjoyed a career as long, and nearly +as remarkable, as his own. I learned from him that both were capital +customers at the Hounslow inn, and that he had frequently drank with them +in the corn-room. He said that no man could desire more jolly or +entertaining companions over a glass of "summut," but that upon the road +it was anything but desirable to meet them; there they were terrible, +cursing and swearing, and thrusting the muzzles of their pistols into +people's mouths; and at this part of his locution the old man winked, and +said, in a somewhat lower voice, that upon the whole they were right in +doing so, and that when a person had once made up his mind to become a +highwayman, his best policy was to go the whole hog, fearing nothing, but +making everybody afraid of him; that people never thought of resisting a +savage-faced, foul-mouthed highwayman, and if he were taken, were afraid +to bear witness against him, lest he should get off and cut their throats +some time or other upon the roads; whereas people would resist being +robbed by a sneaking, pale-visaged rascal, and would swear bodily against +him on the first opportunity,--adding, that Abershaw and Ferguson, two +most awful fellows, had enjoyed a long career, whereas two disbanded +officers of the army, who wished to rob a coach like gentlemen, had +begged the passengers' pardon, and talked of hard necessity, had been set +upon by the passengers themselves, amongst whom were three women, pulled +from their horses, conducted to Maidstone, and hanged with as little pity +as such contemptible fellows deserved. "There is nothing like going the +whole hog," he repeated, "and if ever I had been a highwayman, I would +have done so; I should have thought myself all the more safe; and, +moreover, shouldn't have despised myself. To curry favour with those you +are robbing, sometimes at the expense of your own comrades, as I have +known fellows do, why, it is the greatest . . ." + +"So it is," interposed my friend the postillion, who chanced to be +present at a considerable part of the old ostler's discourse; "it is, as +you say, the greatest of humbug, and merely, after all, gets a fellow +into trouble; but no regular bred highwayman would do it. I say, George, +catch the Pope of Rome trying to curry favour with anybody he robs; catch +old Mumbo Jumbo currying favour with the Archbishop of Canterbury and the +Dean and Chapter, should he meet them in a stage-coach; it would be with +him, Bricconi Abbasso, as he knocked their teeth out with the butt of his +trombone; and the old regular-built ruffian would be all the safer for +it, as Bill would say, as ten to one the Archbishop and Chapter, after +such a spice of his quality, would be afraid to swear against him, and to +hang him, even if he were in their power, though that would be the proper +way; for, if it is the greatest of all humbug for a highwayman to curry +favour with those he robs, the next greatest is to try to curry favour +with a highwayman when you have got him, by letting him off." + +Finding the old man so well acquainted with the history of highwaymen, +and taking considerable interest in the subject, having myself edited a +book containing the lives of many remarkable people who had figured on +the highway, I forthwith asked him how it was that the trade of +highwayman had become extinct in England, as at present we never heard of +any one following it. Whereupon he told me that many causes had +contributed to bring about that result; the principal of which were the +following:--the refusal to license houses which were known to afford +shelter to highwaymen, which amongst many others, had caused the inn at +Hounslow to be closed; the inclosure of many a wild heath in the country, +on which they were in the habit of lurking, and particularly the +establishing in the neighbourhood of London of a well-armed mounted +patrol, who rode the highwaymen down, and delivered them up to justice, +which hanged them without ceremony. + +"And that would be the way to deal with Mumbo Jumbo and his gang," said +the postillion, "should they show their visages in these realms; and I +hear by the newspapers that they are becoming every day more desperate. +Take away the licence from their public-houses, cut down the rookeries +and shadowy old avenues in which they are fond of lying in wait, in order +to sally out upon people as they pass in the roads; but, above all, +establish a good mounted police to ride after the ruffians and drag them +by the scruff of the neck to the next clink, where they might lie till +they could be properly dealt with by law; instead of which, the +Government are repealing the wise old laws enacted against such +characters, giving fresh licences every day to their public-houses, and +saying that it would be a pity to cut down their rookeries and thickets, +because they look so very picturesque; and, in fact, giving them all kind +of encouragement; why, if such behaviour is not enough to drive an honest +man mad, I know not what is. It is of no use talking, I only wish the +power were in my hands, and if I did not make short work of them, might I +be a mere jackass postillion all the remainder of my life." + +Besides acquiring from the ancient ostler a great deal of curious +information respecting the ways and habits of the heroes of the road, +with whom he had come in contact in the early portion of his life, I +picked up from him many excellent hints relating to the art of grooming +horses. Whilst at the inn, I frequently groomed the stage and +post-horses, and those driven up by travellers in their gigs: I was not +compelled, nor indeed expected, to do so; but I took pleasure in the +occupation; and I remember at that period one of the principal objects of +my ambition was to be a first-rate groom, and to make the skins of the +creatures I took in hand look sleek and glossy like those of moles. I +have said that I derived valuable hints from the old man, and, indeed, +became a very tolerable groom, but there was a certain finishing touch +which I could never learn from him, though he possessed it himself, and +which I could never attain to by my own endeavours; though my want of +success certainly did not proceed from want of application, for I have +rubbed the horses down, purring and buzzing all the time, after the +genuine ostler fashion, until the perspiration fell in heavy drops upon +my shoes, and when I had done my best, and asked the old fellow what he +thought of my work, I could never extract from him more than a kind of +grunt, which might be translated, "Not so very bad, but I have seen a +horse groomed much better," which leads me to suppose that a person, in +order to be a first-rate groom, must have something in him when he is +born which I had not, and, indeed, which many other people have not who +pretend to be grooms. What does the reader think? + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + + +STABLE HARTSHORN--HOW TO MANAGE A HORSE ON A JOURNEY--YOUR BEST FRIEND. + +Of one thing I am certain, that the reader must be much delighted with +the wholesome smell of the stable, with which many of these pages are +redolent; what a contrast to the sickly odours exhaled from those of some +of my contemporaries, especially of those who pretend to be of the highly +fashionable class, and who treat of reception-rooms, well may they be +styled so, in which dukes, duchesses, earls, countesses, archbishops, +bishops, mayors, mayoresses--not forgetting the writers themselves, both +male and female--congregate and press upon one another; how cheering, how +refreshing, after having been nearly knocked down with such an +atmosphere, to come in contact with genuine stable hartshorn. Oh! the +reader shall have yet more of the stable, and of that old ostler, for +which he or she will doubtless exclaim, "Much obliged!"--and lest I +should forget to perform my promise, the reader shall have it now. + +I shall never forget a harangue from the mouth of the old man, which I +listened to one warm evening as he and I sat on the threshold of the +stable, after having attended to some of the wants of a batch of coach- +horses. It related to the manner in which a gentleman should take care +of his horse and self whilst engaged in a journey on horseback, and was +addressed to myself on the supposition of my one day coming to an estate, +and of course becoming a gentleman. + +"When you are a gentleman," said he, "should you ever wish to take a +journey on a horse of your own, and you could not have a much better than +the one you have here eating its fill in the box yonder--I wonder, by-the- +bye, how you ever came by it--you can't do better than follow the advice +I am about to give you, both with respect to your animal and yourself. +Before you start, merely give your horse a couple of handfuls of corn and +a little water, somewhat under a quart, and if you drink a pint of water +yourself out of the pail, you will feel all the better during the whole +day; then you may walk and trot your animal for about ten miles, till you +come to some nice inn, where you may get down and see your horse led into +a nice stall, telling the ostler not to feed him till you come. If the +ostler happens to be a dog-fancier, and has an English terrier dog like +that of mine there, say what a nice dog it is, and praise its black and +tawn; and if he does not happen to be a dog-fancier, ask him how he's +getting on, and whether he ever knew worse times; that kind of thing will +please the ostler, and he will let you do just what you please with your +own horse, and when your back is turned, he'll say to his comrades what a +nice gentleman you are, and how he thinks he has seen you before; then go +and sit down to breakfast, and before you have finished breakfast, get up +and go and give your horse a feed of corn; chat with the ostler two or +three minutes till your horse has taken the shine out of his corn, which +will prevent the ostler taking any of it away when your back is turned, +for such things are sometimes done--not that I ever did such a thing +myself when I was at the inn at Hounslow. Oh, dear me, no! Then go and +finish your breakfast, and when you have finished your breakfast and +called for the newspaper, go and water your horse, letting him have about +one pailful, then give him another feed of corn, and enter into discourse +with the ostler about bull-baiting, the prime minister, and the like; and +when your horse has once more taken the shine out of his corn, go back to +your room and your newspaper--and I hope for your sake it may be the +_Globe_, for that's the best paper going,--then pull the bell-rope and +order in your bill, which you will pay without counting it up--supposing +you to be a gentleman. Give the waiter sixpence, and order out your +horse, and when your horse is out, pay for the corn, and give the ostler +a shilling, then mount your horse and walk him gently for five miles; and +whilst you are walking him in this manner, it may be as well to tell you +to take care that you do not let him down and smash his knees, more +especially if the road be a particularly good one, for it is not at a +desperate hiverman pace, and over very bad roads, that a horse tumbles +and smashes his knees, but on your particularly nice road, when the horse +is going gently and lazily, and is half asleep, like the gemman on his +back; well, at the end of the five miles, when the horse has digested his +food, and is all right, you may begin to push your horse on, trotting him +a mile at a heat, and then walking him a quarter of a one, that his wind +may be not distressed; and you may go on in that manner for thirty miles, +never galloping of course, for none but fools or hivermen ever gallop +horses on roads; and at the end of that distance you may stop at some +other nice inn for dinner. I say, when your horse is led into the +stable, after that same thirty miles trotting and walking, don't let the +saddle be whisked off at once, for if you do your horse will have such a +sore back as will frighten you, but let your saddle remain on your +horse's back, with the girths loosened, till after his next feed of corn, +and be sure that he has no corn, much less water, till after a long hour +and more; after he is fed he may be watered to the tune of half a pail, +and then the ostler can give him a regular rub down; you may then sit +down to dinner, and when you have dined get up and see to your horse as +you did after breakfast, in fact you must do much after the same fashion +you did at t'other inn; see to your horse, and by no means disoblige the +ostler. So when you have seen to your horse a second time, you will sit +down to your bottle of wine--supposing you to be a gentleman--and after +you have finished it, and your argument about the corn laws with any +commercial gentleman who happens to be in the room, you may mount your +horse again--not forgetting to do the proper thing to the waiter and +ostler; you may mount your horse again and ride him, as you did before, +for about five-and-twenty miles, at the end of which you may put up for +the night after a very fair day's journey, for no gentleman--supposing he +weighs sixteen stone, as I suppose you will by the time you become a +gentleman--ought to ride a horse more than sixty-five miles in one day, +provided he has any regard for his horse's back, or his own either. See +to your horse at night, and have him well rubbed down. The next day you +may ride your horse forty miles just as you please, but never foolishly, +and those forty miles will bring you to your journey's end, unless your +journey be a plaguy long one, and if so, never ride your horse more than +five-and-thirty miles a day, always however, seeing him well fed, and +taking more care of him than yourself; which is but right and reasonable, +seeing as how the horse is the best animal of the two. + +"When you are a gentleman," said he, after a pause, "the first thing you +must think about is to provide yourself with a good horse for your own +particular riding; you will, perhaps, keep a coach and pair, but they +will be less your own than your lady's, should you have one, and your +young gentry, should you have any; or, if you have neither, for madam, +your housekeeper, and the upper female servants; so you need trouble your +head less about them, though, of course, you would not like to pay away +your money for screws; but be sure you get a good horse for your own +riding; and that you may have a good chance of having a good one, buy one +that's young and has plenty of belly--a little more than the one has +which you now have, though you are not yet a gentleman; you will, of +course, look to his head, his withers, legs, and other points, but never +buy a horse at any price that has not plenty of belly--no horse that has +not belly is ever a good feeder, and a horse that a'n't a good feeder +can't be a good horse; never buy a horse that is drawn up in the belly +behind, a horse of that description can't feed, and can never carry +sixteen stone. + +"So when you have got such a horse be proud of it--as I dare say you are +of the one you have now--and wherever you go swear there a'n't another to +match it in the country, and if anybody gives you the lie, take him by +the nose and tweak it off, just as you would do if anybody were to speak +ill of your lady, or, for want of her, of your housekeeper. Take care of +your horse, as you would of the apple of your eye--I am sure I would, if +I were a gentleman, which I don't ever expect to be, and hardly wish, +seeing as how I am sixty-nine, and am rather too old to ride--yes, +cherish and take care of your horse as perhaps the best friend you have +in the world; for, after all, who will carry you through thick and thin +as your horse will? not your gentlemen friends I warrant, nor your +housekeeper, nor your upper servants, male or female; perhaps your lady +would, that is, if she is a wopper, and one of the right sort; the others +would be more likely to take up mud and pelt you with it, provided they +saw you in trouble, than to help you. So take care of your horse, and +feed him every day with your own hands; give him three-quarters of a peck +of corn each day, mixed up with a little hay-chaff, and allow him besides +one hundred-weight of hay in the course of the week; some say that the +hay should be hardland hay, because it is wholesomest, but I say, let it +be clover hay, because the horse likes it best; give him through summer +and winter, once a week, a pailful of bran mash, cold in summer and in +winter hot; ride him gently about the neighbourhood every day, by which +means you will give exercise to yourself and horse, and, moreover, have +the satisfaction of exhibiting yourself and your horse to advantage, and +hearing, perhaps, the men say what a fine horse, and the ladies saying +what a fine man: never let your groom mount your horse, as it is ten to +one, if you do, your groom will be wishing to show off before company, +and will fling your horse down. I was groom to a gemman before I went to +the inn at Hounslow, and flung him a horse down worth ninety guineas, by +endeavouring to show off before some ladies that I met on the road. Turn +your horse out to grass throughout May and the first part of June, for +then the grass is sweetest, and the flies don't sting so bad as they do +later in summer: afterwards merely turn him out occasionally in the swale +of the morn and the evening; after September the grass is good for +little, lash and sour at best: every horse should go out to grass, if +not, his blood becomes full of greasy humours, and his wind is apt to +become affected, but he ought to be kept as much as possible from the +heat and flies, always got up at night, and never turned out late in the +year--Lord! if I had always such a nice attentive person to listen to me +as you are, I could go on talking about 'orses to the end of time." + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + + +THE STAGE-COACHMEN OF ENGLAND--A BULLY SERVED OUT--BROUGHTON'S GUARD--THE +BRAZEN HEAD. + +I lived on very good terms, not only with the master and the old ostler, +but with all the domestics and hangers-on at the inn; waiters, +chambermaids, cooks, and scullions, not forgetting the "boots," of which +there were three. As for the postillions, I was sworn brother with them +all, and some of them went so far as to swear that I was the best fellow +in the world; for which high opinion entertained by them of me, I believe +I was principally indebted to the good account their comrade gave of me, +whom I had so hospitably received in the dingle. I repeat that I lived +on good terms with all the people connected with the inn, and was noticed +and spoken kindly to by some of the guests--especially by that class +termed commercial travellers--all of whom were great friends and +patronisers of the landlord, and were the principal promoters of the +dinner, and subscribers to the gift of plate, which I have already spoken +of, the whole fraternity striking me as the jolliest set of fellows +imaginable, the best customers to an inn, and the most liberal to +servants; there was one description of persons, however, frequenting the +inn which I did not like at all, and which I did not get on well with, +and these people were the stage-coachmen. + +The stage-coachmen of England, at the time of which I am speaking, +considered themselves mighty fine gentry, nay, I verily believe the most +important personages of the realm, and their entertaining this high +opinion of themselves can scarcely be wondered at; they were low fellows, +but masters of driving; driving was in fashion, and sprigs of nobility +used to dress as coachmen and imitate the slang and behaviour of +coachmen, from whom occasionally they would take lessons in driving as +they sat beside them on the box, which post of honour any sprig of +nobility who happened to take a place on a coach claimed as his +unquestionable right; and then these sprigs would smoke cigars and drink +sherry with the coachmen in bar-rooms, and on the road; and, when bidding +them farewell, would give them a guinea or a half-guinea, and shake them +by the hand, so that these fellows, being low fellows, very naturally +thought no small liquor of themselves, but would talk familiarly of their +friends lords so and so, the honourable misters so and so, and Sir Harry +and Sir Charles, and be wonderfully saucy to any one who was not a lord, +or something of the kind; and this high opinion of themselves received +daily augmentation from the servile homage paid them by the generality of +the untitled male passengers, especially those on the fore part of the +coach, who used to contend for the honour of sitting on the box with the +coachman when no sprig was nigh to put in his claim. Oh! what servile +homage these craven creatures did pay these same coach fellows, more +especially after witnessing this or t'other act of brutality practised +upon the weak and unoffending--upon some poor friendless woman travelling +with but little money, and perhaps a brace of hungry children with her, +or upon some thin and half-starved man travelling on the hind part of the +coach from London to Liverpool, with only eighteen pence in his pocket +after his fare was paid, to defray his expenses on the road; for as the +insolence of these knights was vast, so was their rapacity enormous; they +had been so long accustomed to have crowns and half-crowns rained upon +them by their admirers and flatterers, that they would look at a +shilling, for which many an honest labourer was happy to toil for ten +hours under a broiling sun, with the utmost contempt; would blow upon it +derisively, or fillip it into the air before they pocketed it; but when +nothing was given them, as would occasionally happen--for how could they +receive from those who had nothing? and nobody was bound to give them +anything, as they had certain wages from their employers--then what a +scene would ensue! Truly the brutality and rapacious insolence of +English coachmen had reached a climax; it was time that these fellows +should be disenchanted, and the time--thank Heaven!--was not far distant. +Let the craven dastards who used to curry favour with them, and applaud +their brutality, lament their loss now that they and their vehicles have +disappeared from the roads; I, who have ever been an enemy to insolence, +cruelty, and tyranny, loathe their memory, and, what is more, am not +afraid to say so, well aware of the storm of vituperation, partly learned +from them, which I may expect from those who used to fall down and +worship them. + +Amongst the coachmen who frequented the inn was one who was called "the +bang-up coachman." He drove to our inn, in the fore part of every day, +one of what were called the fast coaches, and afterwards took back the +corresponding vehicle. He stayed at our house about twenty minutes, +during which time the passengers of the coach which he was to return with +dined; those at least who were inclined for dinner, and could pay for it. +He derived his sobriquet of "the bang-up coachman" partly from his being +dressed in the extremity of coach dandyism, and partly from the peculiar +insolence of his manner, and the unmerciful fashion in which he was in +the habit of lashing on the poor horses committed to his charge. He was +a large tall fellow, of about thirty, with a face which, had it not been +bloated by excess, and insolence and cruelty stamped most visibly upon +it, might have been called good-looking. His insolence indeed was so +great that he was hated by all the minor fry connected with coaches along +the road upon which he drove, especially the ostlers, whom he was +continually abusing or finding fault with. Many was the hearty curse +which he received when his back was turned; but the generality of people +were much afraid of him, for he was a swinging strong fellow, and had the +reputation of being a fighter, and in one or two instances had beaten in +a barbarous manner individuals who had quarrelled with him. + +I was nearly having a fracas with this worthy. One day, after he had +been drinking sherry with a sprig, he swaggered into the yard where I +happened to be standing; just then a waiter came by carrying upon a tray +part of a splendid Cheshire cheese, with a knife, plate, and napkin. +Stopping the waiter, the coachman cut with the knife a tolerably large +lump out of the very middle of the cheese, stuck it on the end of the +knife, and putting it to his mouth nibbled a slight piece off it, and +then, tossing the rest away with disdain, flung the knife down upon the +tray, motioning the waiter to proceed: "I wish," said I, "you may not +want before you die what you have just flung away," whereupon the fellow +turned furiously towards me; just then, however, his coach being standing +at the door, there was a cry for coachman, so that he was forced to +depart, contenting himself for the present with shaking his fist at me, +and threatening to serve me out on the first opportunity; before, +however, the opportunity occurred he himself got served out in a most +unexpected manner. + +The day after this incident he drove his coach to the inn, and after +having dismounted and received the contributions of the generality of the +passengers, he strutted up, with a cigar in his mouth, to an individual +who had come with him, and who had just asked me a question with respect +to the direction of a village about three miles off, to which he was +going. "Remember the coachman," said the knight of the box to this +individual, who was a thin person of about sixty, with a white hat, +rather shabby black coat, and buff-coloured trousers, and who held an +umbrella and a small bundle in his hand. "If you expect me to give you +anything," said he to the coachman, "you are mistaken; I will give you +nothing. You have been very insolent to me as I rode behind you on the +coach, and have encouraged two or three trumpery fellows, who rode along +with you, to cut scurvy jokes at my expense, and now you come to me for +money: I am not so poor but I could have given you a shilling had you +been civil; as it is I will give you nothing." "Oh! you won't, won't +you?" said the coachman; "dear me! I hope I shan't starve because you +won't give me anything--a shilling! why, I could afford to give you +twenty if I thought fit, you pauper! civil to you, indeed! things are +come to a fine pass if I need be civil to you! Do you know who you are +speaking to? why, the best lords in the country are proud to speak to me. +Why, it was only the other day that the Marquis of . . . said to me . . +.," and then he went on to say what the Marquis said to him; after which, +flinging down his cigar, he strutted up the road, swearing to himself +about paupers. + +"You say it is three miles to . . .," said the individual to me; "I think +I shall light my pipe, and smoke it as I go along." Thereupon he took +out from a side-pocket a tobacco-box and short meerschaum pipe, and +implements for striking a light, filled his pipe, lighted it, and +commenced smoking. Presently the coachman drew near, I saw at once that +there was mischief in his eye; the man smoking was standing with his back +towards him, and he came _so_ nigh to him, seemingly purposely, that as +he passed a puff of smoke came of necessity against his face. "What do +you mean by smoking in my face?" said he, striking the pipe of the +elderly individual out of his mouth. The other, without manifesting much +surprise, said, "I thank you; and if you will wait a minute, I will give +you a receipt for that favour;" then gathering up his pipe, and taking +off his coat and hat, he laid them on a stepping-block which stood near, +and rubbing his hands together, he advanced towards the coachman in an +attitude of offence, holding his hands crossed very near to his face. The +coachman, who probably expected anything but such a movement from a +person of the age and appearance of the individual whom he had insulted, +stood for a moment motionless with surprise; but recollecting himself, he +pointed at him derisively with his finger; the next moment, however, the +other was close upon him, had struck aside the extended hand with his +left fist, and given him a severe blow on the nose with his right, which +he immediately followed by a left-hand blow in the eye; then drawing his +body slightly backward, with the velocity of lightning he struck the +coachman full in the mouth, and the last blow was the severest of all, +for it cut the coachman's lips nearly through; blows so quickly and +sharply dealt I had never seen. The coachman reeled like a fir-tree in a +gale, and seemed nearly unsensed. "Ho! what's this? a fight! a fight!" +sounded from a dozen voices, and people came running from all directions +to see what was going on. The coachman, coming somewhat to himself, +disencumbered himself of his coat and hat; and, encouraged by two or +three of his brothers of the whip, showed some symptoms of fighting, +endeavouring to close with his foe, but the attempt was vain, his foe was +not to be closed with; he did not shift or dodge about, but warded off +the blows of his opponent with the greatest sang-froid, always using the +guard which I have already described, and putting in, in return, short +chopping blows with the swiftness of lightning. In a very few minutes +the countenance of the coachman was literally cut to pieces, and several +of his teeth were dislodged; at length he gave in; stung with +mortification, however, he repented, and asked for another round; it was +granted, to his own complete demolition. The coachman did not drive his +coach back that day, he did not appear on the box again for a week; but +he never held up his head afterwards. Before I quitted the inn, he had +disappeared from the road, going no one knew where. + +The coachman, as I have said before, was very much disliked upon the +road, but there was an _esprit de corps_ amongst the coachmen, and those +who stood by did not like to see their brother chastised in such +tremendous fashion. "I never saw such a fight before," said one. "Fight! +why, I don't call it a fight at all, this chap here ha'n't got a scratch, +whereas Tom is cut to pieces; it is all along of that guard of his; if +Tom could have got within his guard he would have soon served the old +chap out." "So he would," said another, "it was all owing to that guard. +However, I think I see into it, and if I had not to drive this afternoon, +I would have a turn with the old fellow and soon serve him out." "I will +fight him now for a guinea," said the other coachman, half taking off his +coat; observing, however, that the elderly individual made a motion +towards him, he hitched it upon his shoulder again, and added, "that is, +if he had not been fighting already, but as it is, I am above taking an +advantage, especially of such a poor old creature as that." And when he +had said this, he looked around him, and there was a feeble titter of +approbation from two or three of the craven crew, who were in the habit +of currying favour with the coachmen. The elderly individual looked for +a moment at these last, and then said, "To such fellows as you I have +nothing to say;" then turning to the coachmen, "and as for you," he said, +"ye cowardly bullies, I have but one word, which is, that your reign upon +the roads is nearly over, and that a time is coming when ye will be no +longer wanted or employed in your present capacity, when ye will either +have to drive dung-carts, assist as ostlers at village ale-houses, or rot +in the workhouse." Then putting on his coat and hat, and taking up his +bundle, not forgetting his meerschaum and the rest of his smoking +apparatus, he departed on his way. Filled with curiosity, I followed +him. + +"I am quite astonished that you should be able to use your hands in the +way you have done," said I, as I walked with this individual in the +direction in which he was bound. + +"I will tell you how I became able to do so," said the elderly +individual, proceeding to fill and light his pipe as he walked along. "My +father was a journeyman engraver, who lived in a very riotous +neighbourhood in the outskirts of London. Wishing to give me something +of an education, he sent me to a day-school, two or three streets distant +from where we lived, and there, being rather a puny boy, I suffered much +persecution from my school-fellows, who were a very blackguard set. One +day, as I was running home, with one of my tormentors pursuing me, old +Sergeant Broughton, the retired fighting-man, seized me by the arm . . ." + +"Dear me," said I, "has it ever been your luck to be acquainted with +Sergeant Broughton?" + +"You may well call it luck," said the elderly individual; "but for him I +should never have been able to make my way through the world. He lived +only four doors from our house; so, as I was running along the street, +with my tyrant behind me, Sergeant Broughton seized me by the arm. 'Stop +my boy,' said he; 'I have frequently seen that scamp ill-treating you; +now I will teach you how to send him home with a bloody nose; down with +your bag of books; and now, my game chick,' whispered he to me, placing +himself between me and my adversary, so that he could not observe his +motions, 'clench your fist in this manner, and hold your arms in this, +and when he strikes at you, move them as I now show you, and he can't +hurt you; now, don't be afraid, but go at him.' I confess that I was +somewhat afraid, but I considered myself in some degree under the +protection of the famous Sergeant, and, clenching my fist, I went at my +foe, using the guard which my ally recommended. The result corresponded +to a certain degree with the predictions of the Sergeant; I gave my foe a +bloody nose and a black eye, though, notwithstanding my recent lesson in +the art of self-defence, he contrived to give me two or three clumsy +blows. From that moment I was the especial favourite of the Sergeant, +who gave me further lessons, so that in a little time I became a very +fair boxer, beating everybody of my own size who attacked me. The old +gentleman, however, made me promise never to be quarrelsome, nor to turn +his instructions to account, except in self-defence. I have always borne +in mind my promise, and have made it a point of conscience never to fight +unless absolutely compelled. Folks may rail against boxing if they +please, but being able to box may sometimes stand a quiet man in good +stead. How should I have fared to-day, but for the instructions of +Sergeant Broughton? But for them, the brutal ruffian who insulted me +must have passed unpunished. He will not soon forget the lesson which I +have just given him--the only lesson he could understand. What would +have been the use of reasoning with a fellow of that description? Brave +old Broughton! I owe him much." + +"And your manner of fighting," said I, "was the manner employed by +Sergeant Broughton?" + +"Yes," said my new acquaintance; "it was the manner in which he beat +every one who attempted to contend with him, till, in an evil hour he +entered the ring with Slack, without any training or preparation, and by +a chance blow lost the battle to a man who had been beaten with ease by +those who, in the hands of Broughton, appeared like so many children. It +was the way of fighting of him who first taught Englishmen to box +scientifically, who was the head and father of the fighters of what is +now called the old school, the last of which were Johnson and Big Ben." + +"A wonderful man that Big Ben," said I. + +"He was so," said the elderly individual; "but had it not been for +Broughton, I question whether Ben would have ever been the fighter he +was. Oh! there is no one like old Broughton; but for him I should at the +present moment be sneaking along the road, pursued by the hissings and +hootings of the dirty flatterers of that blackguard coachman." + +"What did you mean," said I, "by those words of yours, that the coachmen +would speedily disappear from the roads?" + +"I meant," said he, "that a new method of travelling is about to be +established, which will supersede the old. I am a poor engraver, as my +father was before me; but engraving is an intellectual trade, and by +following it, I have been brought in contact with some of the cleverest +men in England. It has even made me acquainted with the projector of the +scheme, which he has told me many of the wisest heads of England have +been dreaming of during a period of six hundred years, and which it seems +was alluded to by a certain Brazen Head in the story-book of Friar Bacon, +who is generally supposed to have been a wizard, but in reality was a +great philosopher. Young man, in less than twenty years, by which time I +shall be dead and gone, England will be surrounded with roads of metal, +on which armies may travel with mighty velocity, and of which the walls +of brass and iron by which the friar proposed to defend his native land +are types." He then, shaking me by the hand, proceeded on his way, +whilst I returned to the inn. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + + +FRANCIS ARDRY--HIS MISFORTUNES--DOG AND LION FIGHT--GREAT MEN OF THE +WORLD. + +A few days after the circumstance which I have last commemorated, it +chanced that, as I was standing at the door of the inn, one of the +numerous stage-coaches which were in the habit of stopping there drove +up, and several passengers got down. I had assisted a woman with a +couple of children to dismount and had just delivered to her a bandbox, +which appeared to be her only property, and which she had begged me to +fetch down from the roof, when I felt a hand laid upon my shoulder and +heard a voice exclaim, "Is it possible, old fellow that I find you in +this place?" I turned round, and wrapped in a large blue cloak, I beheld +my good friend Francis Ardry. I shook him most warmly by the hand, and +said, "If you are surprised to see me, I am no less so to see you; where +are you bound to?" + +"I am bound for L . . .; at any rate I am booked for that sea-port," said +my friend in reply. + +"I am sorry for it," said I, "for in that case we shall have to part in a +quarter of an hour, the coach by which you came stopping no longer." + +"And whither are you bound?" demanded my friend. + +"I am stopping at present in this house, quite undetermined as to what to +do." + +"Then come along with me," said Francis Ardry. + +"That I can scarcely do," said I; "I have a horse in the stall which I +cannot afford to ruin by racing to L . . . by the side of your coach." + +My friend mused for a moment: "I have no particular business at L . . .," +said he; "I was merely going thither to pass a day or two, till an +affair, in which I am deeply interested, at C . . . shall come off. I +think I shall stay with you for four-and-twenty hours at least; I have +been rather melancholy of late, and cannot afford to part with a friend +like you at the present moment: it is an unexpected piece of good fortune +to have met you; and I have not been very fortunate of late," he added, +sighing. + +"Well," said I, "I am glad to see you once more, whether fortunate or +not; where is your baggage?" + +"Yon trunk is mine," said Francis, pointing to a trunk of black Russian +leather upon the coach. + +"We will soon have it down," said I, and at a word which I gave to one of +the hangers-on of the inn, the trunk was taken from the top of the coach. +"Now," said I to Francis Ardry, "follow me, I am a person of some +authority in this house;" thereupon I led Francis Ardry into the house, +and a word which I said to a waiter forthwith installed Francis Ardry in +a comfortable private sitting-room, and his trunk in the very best +sleeping-room of our extensive establishment. + +It was now about one o'clock: Francis Ardry ordered dinner for two, to be +ready at four, and a pint of sherry to be brought forthwith, which I +requested my friend the waiter might be the very best, and which in +effect turned out as I requested; we sat down, and when we had drank to +each other's health, Frank requested me to make known to him how I had +contrived to free myself from my embarrassments in London, what I had +been about since I quitted that city, and the present posture of my +affairs. + +I related to Francis Ardry how I had composed the Life of Joseph Sell, +and how the sale of it to the bookseller had enabled me to quit London +with money in my pocket, which had supported me during a long course of +ramble in the country, into the particulars of which I, however, did not +enter with any considerable degree of fulness. I summed up my account by +saying that "I was at present a kind of overlooker in the stables of the +inn, had still some pounds in my purse, and, moreover, a capital horse in +the stall." + +"No very agreeable posture of affairs," said Francis Ardry, looking +rather seriously at me. + +"I make no complaints," said I; "my prospects are not very bright, it is +true, but sometimes I have visions, both waking and sleeping, which, +though always strange, are invariably agreeable. Last night, in my +chamber near the hayloft, I dreamt that I had passed over an almost +interminable wilderness--an enormous wall rose before me, the wall, +methought, was the great wall of China:--strange figures appeared to be +beckoning to me from the top of the wall; such visions are not exactly to +be sneered at. Not that such phantasmagoria," said I, raising my voice, +"are to be compared for a moment with such desirable things as fashion, +fine clothes, cheques from uncles, parliamentary interest, the love of +splendid females. Ah! woman's love," said I, and sighed. + +"What's the matter with the fellow?" said Francis Ardry. + +"There is nothing like it," said I. + +"Like what?" + +"Love, divine love," said I. + +"Confound love," said Francis Ardry, "I hate the very name; I have made +myself a pretty fool by it, but trust me for ever being caught at such +folly again. In an evil hour I abandoned my former pursuits and +amusements for it; in one morning spent at Joey's there was more real +pleasure than in . . ." + +"Surely," said I, "you are not hankering after dog-fighting again, a +sport which none but the gross and unrefined care anything for? No, +one's thoughts should be occupied by something higher and more rational +than dog-fighting; and what better than love--divine love? Oh, there's +nothing like it!" + +"Pray, don't talk nonsense," said Francis Ardry. + +"Nonsense," said I; "why, I was repeating, to the best of my +recollection, what I heard you say on a former occasion." + +"If ever I talked such stuff," said Francis Ardry, "I was a fool; and +indeed I cannot deny that I have been one: no, there is no denying that I +have been a fool. What do you think? that false Annette has cruelly +abandoned me." + +"Well," said I, "perhaps you have yourself to thank for her having done +so; did you never treat her with coldness, and repay her marks of +affectionate interest with strange fits of eccentric humour?" + +"Lord! how little you know of women," said Francis Ardry; "had I done as +you suppose, I should probably have possessed her at the present moment. +I treated her in a manner diametrically opposite to that. I loaded her +with presents, was always most assiduous to her, always at her feet, as I +may say, yet she nevertheless abandoned me--and for whom? I am almost +ashamed to say--for a fiddler." + +I took a glass of wine, Francis Ardry followed my example, and then +proceeded to detail to me the treatment which he had experienced from +Annette, and from what he said, it appeared that her conduct to him had +been in the highest degree reprehensible; notwithstanding he had indulged +her in everything, she was never civil to him, but loaded him continually +with taunts and insults, and had finally, on his being unable to supply +her with a sum of money which she had demanded, decamped from the +lodgings which he had taken for her, carrying with her all the presents +which at various times he had bestowed upon her, and had put herself +under the protection of a gentleman who played the bassoon at the Italian +Opera, at which place it appeared that her sister had lately been engaged +as a danseuse. My friend informed me that at first he had experienced +great agony at the ingratitude of Annette, but at last had made up his +mind to forget her, and in order more effectually to do so, had left +London with the intention of witnessing a fight, which was shortly coming +off at a town in these parts, between some dogs and a lion; which combat, +he informed me, had for some time past been looked forward to with +intense eagerness by the gentlemen of the sporting world. + +I commended him for his resolution, at the same time advising him not to +give up his mind entirely to dog-fighting, as he had formerly done, but, +when the present combat should be over, to return to his rhetorical +studies, and above all to marry some rich and handsome lady on the first +opportunity, as, with his person and expectations, he had only to sue for +the hand of the daughter of a marquis to be successful, telling him with +a sigh, that all women were not Annettes, and that upon the whole there +was nothing like them. To which advice he answered, that he intended to +return to rhetoric as soon as the lion-fight should be over, but that he +never intended to marry, having had enough of women; adding, that he was +glad he had no sister, as, with the feelings which he entertained with +respect to her sex, he should be unable to treat her with common +affection, and concluded by repeating a proverb which he had learned from +an Arab whom he had met at Venice, to the effect that "one who has been +stung by a snake, shivers at the sight of a string." + +After a little more conversation, we strolled to the stable, where my +horse was standing; my friend, who was a Connoisseur in horse-flesh, +surveyed the animal with attention, and after inquiring where and how I +had obtained him, asked what I intended to do with him; on my telling him +that I was undetermined, and that I was afraid the horse was likely to +prove a burden to me, he said, "It is a noble animal, and if you mind +what you are about, you may make a small fortune by him. I do not want +such an animal myself, nor do I know any one who does; but a great horse +fair will be held shortly at a place where, it is true, I have never +been, but of which I have heard a great deal from my acquaintances, where +it is said a first-rate horse is always sure to fetch its value; that +place is Horncastle, in Lincolnshire; you should take him thither." + +Francis Ardry and myself dined together, and after dinner partook of a +bottle of the best port which the inn afforded. After a few glasses, we +had a great deal of conversation: I again brought the subject of marriage +and love, divine love, upon the carpet, but Francis almost immediately +begged me to drop it; and on my having the delicacy to comply, he +reverted to dog-fighting, on which he talked well and learnedly; amongst +other things, he said that it was a princely sport of great antiquity, +and quoted from Quintus Curtius to prove that the princes of India must +have been of the fancy, they having, according to that author, treated +Alexander to a fight between certain dogs and a lion. Becoming, +notwithstanding my friend's eloquence and learning, somewhat tired of the +subject, I began to talk about Alexander. Francis Ardry said he was one +of the two great men whom the world has produced, the other being +Napoleon: I replied that I believed Tamerlane was a greater man than +either; but Francis Ardry knew nothing of Tamerlane, save what he had +gathered from the play of Timour the Tartar. "No," said he; "Alexander +and Napoleon are the great men of the world, their names are known +everywhere. Alexander has been dead upwards of two thousand years, but +the very English bumpkins sometimes christen their boys by the name of +Alexander--can there be a greater evidence of his greatness? As for +Napoleon, there are some parts of India in which his bust is worshipped." +Wishing to make up a triumvirate, I mentioned the name of Wellington, to +which Francis Ardry merely said, "Bah!" and resumed the subject of dog- +fighting. + +Francis Ardry remained at the inn during that day and the next, and then +departed to the dog and lion fight; I never saw him afterwards, and +merely heard of him once after a lapse of some years, and what I then +heard was not exactly what I could have wished to hear. He did not make +much of the advantages which he possessed, a pity, for how great were +those advantages,--person, intellect, eloquence, connection, riches! yet, +with all these advantages, one thing highly needful seems to have been +wanting in Francis. A desire, a craving, to perform something great and +good. Oh! what a vast deal may be done with intellect, courage, riches, +accompanied by the desire of doing something great and good! Why, a +person may carry the blessings of civilisation and religion to barbarous, +yet at the same time beautiful and romantic lands; and what a triumph +there is for him who does so! what a crown of glory! of far greater value +than those surrounding the brows of your mere conquerors. Yet who has +done so in these times? Not many; not three, not two, something seems to +have been always wanting; there is, however, one instance, in which the +various requisites have been united, and the crown, the most desirable in +the world--at least which I consider to be the most desirable--achieved, +and only one, that of Brooke of Borneo. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + + +MR. PLATITUDE AND THE MAN IN BLACK--THE POSTILLION'S ADVENTURES--THE LONE +HOUSE--A GOODLY ASSEMBLAGE. + +It never rains, but it pours. I was destined to see at this inn more +acquaintances than one. On the day of Francis Ardry's departure, shortly +after he had taken leave of me, as I was standing in the corn-chamber at +a kind of writing-table or desk, fastened to the wall, with a book before +me, in which I was making out an account of the corn and hay lately +received and distributed, my friend the postillion came running in out of +breath. "Here they both are," he gasped out; "pray do come and look at +them!" + +"Whom do you mean?" said I. + +"Why, that red-haired Jack Priest, and that idiotic parson, Platitude; +they have just been set down by one of the coaches, and want a +post-chaise to go across the country in; and what do you think? I am to +have the driving of them. I have no time to lose, for I must get myself +ready; so do come and look at them." + +I hastened into the yard of the inn; two or three of the helpers of our +establishment were employed in drawing forward a post-chaise out of the +chaise-house, which occupied one side of the yard, and which was spacious +enough to contain nearly twenty of these vehicles, though it was never +full, several of them being always out upon the roads, as the demand upon +us for post-chaises across the country was very great. "There they are," +said the postillion, softly, nodding towards two individuals, in one of +whom I recognized the man in black, and in the other Mr. Platitude; +"there they are; have a good look at them, while I go and get ready." The +man in black and Mr. Platitude were walking up and down the yard, Mr. +Platitude was doing his best to make himself appear ridiculous, talking +very loudly in exceedingly bad Italian, evidently for the purpose of +attracting the notice of the bystanders, in which he succeeded, all the +stable-boys and bystanders, in which he attracted by his vociferation, +grinning at his ridiculous figure as he limped up and down. The man in +black said little or nothing, but from the glances which he cast sideways +appeared to be thoroughly ashamed of his companion; the worthy couple +presently arrived close to where I was standing, and the man in black, +who was nearest to me, perceiving me, stood still as if hesitating, but +recovering himself in a moment, he moved on without taking any further +notice; Mr. Platitude exclaimed as they passed, in broken lingo, "I hope +we shall find the holy doctors all assembled," and as they returned, "I +make no doubt that they will all be rejoiced to see me." Not wishing to +be standing an idle gazer, I went to the chaise and assisted in attaching +the horses, which had now been brought out, to the pole. The postillion +presently arrived, and finding all ready took the reins and mounted the +box, whilst I very politely opened the door for the two travellers; Mr. +Platitude got in first, and, without taking any notice of me, seated +himself on the farther side. In got the man in black, and seated himself +nearest to me. "All is right," said I, as I shut the door, whereupon the +postillion cracked his whip, and the chaise drove out of the yard. Just +as I shut the door, however, and just as Mr. Platitude had recommenced +talking in jergo, at the top of his voice, the man in black turned his +face partly towards me, and gave me a wink with his left eye. + +I did not see my friend the postillion till the next morning, when he +gave me an account of the adventures he had met with on his expedition. +It appeared that he had driven the man in black and the Reverend +Platitude across the country by roads and lanes which he had some +difficulty in threading. At length, when he had reached a part of the +country where he had never been before, the man in black pointed out to +him a house near the corner of a wood, to which he informed him they were +bound. The postillion said it was a strange-looking house, with a wall +round it; and, upon the whole, bore something of the look of a madhouse. +There was already a post-chaise at the gate, from which three individuals +had alighted--one of them the postillion said was a mean-looking +scoundrel, with a regular petty-larceny expression in his countenance. He +was dressed very much like the man in black, and the postillion said that +he could almost have taken his bible oath that they were both of the same +profession. The other two he said were parsons, he could swear that, +though he had never seen them before; there could be no mistake about +them. Church of England parsons the postillion swore they were, with +their black coats, white cravats, and airs, in which clumsiness and +conceit were most funnily blended--Church of England parsons of the +Platitude description, who had been in Italy, and seen the Pope, and +kissed his toe, and picked up a little broken Italian, and come home +greater fools than they went forth. It appeared that they were all +acquaintances of Mr. Platitude, for when the postillion had alighted and +let Mr. Platitude and his companion out of the chaise, Mr. Platitude +shook the whole three by the hand, conversed with his two brothers in a +little broken jergo, and addressed the petty-larceny looking individual +by the title of Reverend Doctor. In the midst of these greetings, +however, the postillion said the man in black came up to him and +proceeded to settle with him for the chaise; he had shaken hands with +nobody, and had merely nodded to the others; "and now," said the +postillion, "he evidently wished to get rid of me, fearing, probably, +that I should see too much of the nonsense that was going on. It was +whilst settling with me that he seemed to recognise me for the first +time, for he stared hard at me, and at last asked whether I had not been +in Italy; to which question, with a nod and a laugh, I replied that I +had. I was then going to ask him about the health of the image of Holy +Mary, and to say that I hoped it had recovered from its horsewhipping; +but he interrupted me, paid me the money for the fare, and gave me a +crown for myself, saying he would not detain me any longer. I say, +partner, I am a poor postillion, but when he gave me the crown I had a +good mind to fling it in his face. I reflected, however, that it was not +mere gift-money, but coin which I had earned, and hardly too, so I put it +in my pocket, and I bethought me, moreover, that, knave as I knew him to +be, he had always treated me with civility; so I nodded to him, and he +said something which perhaps he meant for Latin, but which sounded very +much like 'vails,' and by which he doubtless alluded to the money which +he had given me. He then went into the house with the rest, the coach +drove away which had brought the others, and I was about to get on the +box and follow; observing, however, two more chaises driving up, I +thought I would be in no hurry, so I just led my horses and chaise a +little out of the way, and pretending to be occupied about the harness, I +kept a tolerably sharp look-out at the new arrivals. Well, partner, the +next vehicle that drove up was a gentleman's carriage which I knew very +well, as well as those within it, who were a father and son, the father a +good kind of old gentleman, and a justice of the peace, therefore not +very wise, as you may suppose; the son a puppy who has been abroad, where +he contrived to forget his own language, though only nine months absent, +and now rules the roast over his father and mother, whose only child he +is, and by whom he is thought wondrous clever. So this foreigneering +chap brings his poor old father to this out-of-the-way house to meet +these Platitudes and petty-larceny villains, and perhaps would have +brought his mother too, only, simple thing, by good fortune she happens +to be laid up with the rheumatiz. Well, the father and son, I beg pardon +I mean the son and father, got down and went in, and then after their +carriage was gone, the chaise behind drove up, in which was a huge fat +fellow, weighing twenty stone at least, but with something of a foreign +look, and with him--who do you think? Why, a rascally Unitarian +minister, that is, a fellow who had been such a minister, but who some +years ago leaving his own people, who had bred him up and sent him to +their college at York, went over to the High Church, and is now, I +suppose, going over to some other church, for he was talking, as he got +down, wondrous fast in Latin, or what sounded something like Latin, to +the fat fellow, who appeared to take things wonderfully easy, and merely +grunted to the dog Latin which the scoundrel had learned at the expense +of the poor Unitarians at York. So they went into the house, and +presently arrived another chaise, but ere I could make any further +observations, the porter of the out-of-the-way house came up to me, +asking what I was stopping there for? bidding me go away, and not pry +into other people's business. 'Pretty business,' said I to him, 'that is +being transacted in a place like this,' and then I was going to say +something uncivil, but he went to attend to the new-comers, and I took +myself away on my own business as he bade me, not, however, before +observing that these two last were a couple of blackcoats." + +The postillion then proceeded to relate how he made the best of his way +to a small public-house, about a mile off, where he had intended to bait, +and how he met on the way a landau and pair belonging to a Scotch coxcomb +whom he had known in London, about whom he related some curious +particulars, and then continued: "Well, after I had passed him and his +turn-out, I drove straight to the public-house, where I baited my horses, +and where I found some of the chaises and drivers who had driven the +folks to the lunatic-looking mansion, and were now waiting to take them +up again. Whilst my horses were eating their bait, I sat me down, as the +weather was warm, at a table outside, and smoked a pipe, and drank some +ale in company with the coachman of the old gentleman who had gone to the +house with his son, and the coachman then told me that the house was a +Papist house, and that the present was a grand meeting of all the fools +and rascals in the country, who came to bow down to images, and to +concert schemes--pretty schemes, no doubt--for overturning the religion +of the country, and that for his part he did not approve of being +concerned with such doings, and that he was going to give his master +warning next day. So, as we were drinking and discoursing, up drove the +chariot of the Scotchman, and down got his valet and the driver, and +whilst the driver was seeing after the horses, the valet came and sat +down at the table where the gentleman's coachman and I were drinking. I +knew the fellow well, a Scotchman like his master, and just of the same +kidney, with white kid gloves, red hair frizzled, a patch of paint on his +face, and his hands covered with rings. This very fellow, I must tell +you, was one of those most busy in endeavouring to get me turned out of +the servants' club in Park Lane, because I happened to serve a literary +man; so he sat down, and in a kind of affected tone cried out, 'Landlord, +bring me a glass of cold negus.' The landlord, however, told him that +there was no negus, but that, if he pleased, he could have a jug of as +good beer as any in the country. 'Confound the beer,' said the valet, +'do you think I am accustomed to such vulgar beverage?' However, as he +found there was nothing better to be had, he let the man bring him some +beer, and when he had got it, soon showed that he could drink it easily +enough; so, when he had drank two or three draughts, he turned his eyes +in a contemptuous manner, first on the coachman, and then on me: I saw +the scamp recollected me, for after staring at me and my dress for about +half a minute, he put on a broad grin, and flinging his head back, he +uttered a loud laugh. Well, I did not like this, as you may well +believe, and taking the pipe out of my mouth, I asked him if he meant +anything personal, to which he answered, that he had said nothing to me, +and that he had a right to look where he pleased, and laugh when he +pleased. Well, as to a certain extent he was right, as to looking and +laughing; and as I have occasionally looked at a fool and laughed, though +I was not the fool in this instance, I put my pipe into my mouth and said +no more. This quiet and well-regulated behaviour of mine, however, the +fellow interpreted into fear; so, after drinking a little more, he +suddenly started up, and striding once or twice before the table, he +asked me what I meant by that impertinent question of mine, saying that +he had a good mind to wring my nose for my presumption. 'You have?' said +I, getting up and laying down my pipe, 'well, I'll now give you an +opportunity.' So I put myself in an attitude, and went up to him, +saying, 'I have an old score to settle with you, you scamp; you wanted to +get me turned out of the club, didn't you?' And thereupon, remembering +that he had threatened to wring my nose, I gave him a snorter upon his +own. I wish you could have seen the fellow when he felt the smart; so +far from trying to defend himself, he turned round, and with his hand to +his face, attempted to run away, but I was now in a regular passion, and +following him up, got before him, and was going to pummel away at him, +when he burst into tears, and begged me not to hurt him, saying that he +was sorry if he had offended me, and that, if I pleased, he would go down +on his knees, or do anything else I wanted. Well, when I heard him talk +in this manner, I of course let him be; I could hardly help laughing at +the figure he cut; his face all blubbered with tears and blood and paint; +but I did not laugh at the poor creature either, but went to the table +and took up my pipe, and smoked and drank as if nothing had happened; and +the fellow, after having been to the pump, came and sat down, crying, and +trying to curry favour with me and the coachman; presently, however, +putting on a confidential look, he began to talk of the Popish house, and +of the doings there, and said he supposed as how we were of the party, +and that it was all right; and then he began to talk of the Pope of Rome, +and what a nice man he was, and what a fine thing it was to be of his +religion, especially if folks went over to him; and how it advanced them +in the world, and gave them consideration; and how his master, who had +been abroad and seen the Pope, and kissed his toe, was going over to the +Popish religion, and had persuaded him to consent to do so, and to +forsake his own, which I think the scoundrel called the 'Piscopal Church +of Scotland, and how many others of that church were going over, thinking +to better their condition in life by so doing, and to be more thought on; +and how many of the English church were thinking of going over too--and +that he had no doubt that it would all end right and comfortably. Well, +as he was going on in this way, the old coachman began to spit, and +getting up, flung all the beer that was in his jug upon the ground, and +going away, ordered another jug of beer, and sat down at another table, +saying that he would not drink in such company; and I too got up, and +flung what beer remained in my jug, there wasn't more than a drop, in the +fellow's face, saying I would scorn to drink any more in such company; +and then I went to my horses, put them to, paid my reckoning, and drove +home." + +The postillion having related his story, to which I listened with all due +attention, mused for a moment, and then said, "I dare say you remember +how, some time since, when old Bill had been telling us how the +Government, a long time ago, had done away with robbing on the highway, +by putting down the public-houses and places which the highwaymen +frequented, and by sending out a good mounted police to hunt them down, I +said that it was a shame that the present Government did not employ +somewhat the same means in order to stop the proceedings of Mumbo Jumbo +and his gang nowadays in England. Howsomever, since I have driven a fare +to a Popish rendezvous, and seen something of what is going on there, I +should conceive that the Government are justified in allowing the gang +the free exercise of their calling. Anybody is welcome to stoop and pick +up nothing, or worse than nothing, and if Mumbo Jumbo's people, after +their expeditions, return to their haunts with no better plunder in the +shape of converts than what I saw going into yonder place of call, I +should say they are welcome to what they get; for if that's the kind of +rubbish they steal out of the Church of England, or any other church, who +in his senses but would say a good riddance, and many thanks for your +trouble: at any rate that is my opinion of the matter." + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX. + + +DELIBERATIONS WITH SELF--RESOLUTION--INVITATION TO DINNER--THE COMMERCIAL +TRAVELLER--THE LANDLORD'S OFFER--THE COMET WINE. + +It was now that I had frequent deliberations with myself. Should I +continue at the inn in my present position? I was not very much +captivated with it; there was little poetry in keeping an account of the +corn, hay, and straw which came in, and was given out, and I was fond of +poetry; moreover, there was no glory at all to be expected in doing so, +and I was fond of glory. Should I give up that situation, and remaining +at the inn, become ostler under old Bill? There was more poetry in +rubbing down horses than in keeping an account of straw, hay, and corn; +there was also some prospect of glory attached to the situation of +ostler, for the grooms and stable-boys occasionally talked of an ostler, +a great way down the road, who had been presented by some sporting +people, not with a silver vase, as our governor had been, but with a +silver currycomb, in testimony of their admiration for his skill; but I +confess that the poetry of rubbing down had become, as all other poetry +becomes, rather prosy by frequent repetition, and with respect to the +chance of deriving glory from the employment, I entertained, in the event +of my determining to stay, very slight hope of ever attaining skill in +the ostler art sufficient to induce sporting people to bestow upon me a +silver currycomb. I was not half so good an ostler as old Bill, who had +never been presented with a silver currycomb, and I never expected to +become so, therefore what chance had I? It was true, there was a +prospect of some pecuniary emolument to be derived by remaining in either +situation. It was very probable that, provided I continued to keep an +account of the hay and corn coming in and expended, the landlord would +consent to allow me a pound a week, which at the end of a dozen years, +provided I kept myself sober, would amount to a considerable sum. I +might, on the retirement of old Bill, by taking his place, save up a +decent sum of money, provided, unlike him, I kept myself sober, and laid +by all the shillings and sixpences I got; but the prospect of laying up a +decent sum of money was not of sufficient importance to induce me to +continue either at my wooden desk or in the inn-yard. The reader will +remember what difficulty I had to make up my mind to become a merchant +under the Armenian's auspices, even with the prospect of making two or +three hundred thousand pounds by following the Armenian way of doing +business, so it was not probable that I should feel disposed to be book- +keeper or ostler all my life with no other prospect than being able to +make a tidy sum of money. If indeed, besides the prospect of making a +tidy sum at the end of perhaps forty years ostlering, I had been certain +of being presented with a silver currycomb with my name engraved upon it, +which I might have left to my descendants, or, in default thereof, to the +parish church destined to contain my bones, with directions that it might +be soldered into the wall above the arch leading from the body of the +church into the chancel--I will not say that with such a certainty of +immortality, combined with such a prospect of moderate pecuniary +advantage, I might not have thought it worth my while to stay, but I +entertained no such certainty, and taking everything into consideration, +I determined to mount my horse and leave the inn. + +This horse had caused me for some time past no little perplexity; I had +frequently repented of having purchased him, more especially as the +purchase had been made with another person's money, and had more than +once shown him to people who, I imagined, were likely to purchase him; +but, though they were profuse in his praise, as people generally are in +the praise of what they don't intend to purchase, they never made me an +offer, and now that I had determined to mount on his back and ride away, +what was I to do with him in the sequel? I could not maintain him long. +Suddenly I bethought me of Horncastle, which Francis Ardry had mentioned +as a place where the horse was likely to find a purchaser, and not having +determined upon any particular place to which to repair, I thought that I +could do no better than betake myself to Horncastle in the first +instance, and there endeavour to dispose of my horse. + +On making inquiries with respect to the situation of Horncastle, and the +time when the fair would be held, I learned that the town was situated in +Lincolnshire, about a hundred and fifty miles from the inn at which I was +at present sojourning, and that the fair would be held nominally within +about a month, but that it was always requisite to be on the spot some +days before the nominal day of the fair, as all the best horses were +generally sold before that time, and the people who came to purchase gone +away with what they had bought. + +The people of the inn were very sorry on being informed of my +determination to depart. Old Bill told me that he had hoped as how I had +intended to settle down there, and to take his place as ostler when he +was fit for no more work, adding, that though I did not know much of the +business, yet he had no doubt but that I might improve. My friend the +postillion was particularly sorry, and taking me with him to the tap-room +called for two pints of beer, to one of which he treated me; and whilst +we were drinking told me how particularly sorry he was at the thought of +my going, but that he hoped I should think better of the matter. On my +telling him that I must go, he said that he trusted I should put off my +departure for three weeks, in order that I might be present at his +marriage, the banns of which were just about to be published. He said +that nothing would give him greater pleasure than to see me dance a +minuet with his wife after the marriage dinner; but I told him it was +impossible that I should stay, my affairs imperatively calling me +elsewhere; and that with respect to my dancing a minuet, such a thing was +out of the question, as I had never learned to dance. At which he said +that he was exceedingly sorry, and finding me determined to go, wished me +success in all my undertakings. + +The master of the house, to whom, as in duty bound, I communicated my +intention before I spoke of it to the servants, was, I make no doubt, +very sorry, though he did not exactly tell me so. What he said was, that +he had never expected that I should remain long there, as such a +situation never appeared to him quite suitable to me, though I had been +very diligent, and had given him perfect satisfaction. On his inquiring +when I intended to depart, I informed him next day, whereupon he begged +that I would defer my departure till the next day but one, and do him the +favour of dining with him on the morrow. I informed him that I should be +only too happy. + +On the following day at four o'clock I dined with the landlord, in +company with a commercial traveller. The dinner was good, though plain, +consisting of boiled mackerel--rather a rarity in those parts at that +time--with fennel sauce, a prime baron of roast beef after the mackerel, +then a tart and noble Cheshire cheese; we had prime sherry at dinner, and +whilst eating the cheese prime porter, that of Barclay, the only good +porter in the world. After the cloth was removed we had a bottle of very +good port; and whilst partaking of the port I had an argument with the +commercial traveller on the subject of the corn-laws. + +The commercial traveller, having worsted me in the argument on the +subject of the corn-laws, got up in great glee, saying that he must order +his gig, as business must be attended to. Before leaving the room, +however, he shook me patronisingly by the hand, and said something to the +master of the house, but in so low a tone that it escaped my ear. + +No sooner had he departed than the master of the house told me that his +friend the traveller had just said that I was a confounded sensible young +fellow, and not at all opinionated, a sentiment in which he himself +perfectly agreed--then hemming once or twice, he said that as I was going +on a journey he hoped I was tolerably well provided with money, adding +that travelling was rather expensive, especially on horseback, the manner +in which he supposed, as I had a horse in the stable, I intended to +travel. I told him that though I was not particularly well supplied with +money, I had sufficient for the expenses of my journey, at the end of +which I hoped to procure more. He then hemmed again, and said that since +I had been at the inn I had rendered him a great deal of service in more +ways than one, and that he could not think of permitting me to depart +without making me some remuneration; then putting his hand into his +waistcoat pocket he handed me a cheque for ten pounds, which he had +prepared beforehand, the value of which he said I could receive at the +next town, or that, if I wished it, any waiter in the house would cash it +for me. I thanked him for his generosity in the best terms I could +select, but, handing him back his cheque, I told him that I could not +accept it, saying that, so far from his being my debtor, I believed +myself to be indebted to him, as not only myself but my horse had been +living at his house for several weeks. He replied, that as for my board +at a house like his it amounted to nothing, and as for the little corn +and hay which the horse had consumed it was of no consequence, and that +he must insist upon my taking the cheque. But I again declined, telling +him that doing so would be a violation of a rule which I had determined +to follow, and which nothing but the greatest necessity would ever compel +me to break through--never to incur obligations. "But," said he, +"receiving this money will not be incurring an obligation, it is your +due." "I do not think so," said I; "I did not engage to serve you for +money, nor will I take any from you." "Perhaps you will take it as a +loan?" said he. "No," I replied, "I never borrow." "Well," said the +landlord, smiling, "you are different from all others that I am +acquainted with. I never yet knew any one else who scrupled to borrow +and receive obligations; why, there are two baronets in this +neighbourhood who have borrowed money of me, ay, and who have never +repaid what they borrowed; and there are a dozen squires who are under +considerable obligations to me, who I dare say will never return them. +Come, you need not be more scrupulous than your superiors--I mean in +station." "Every vessel must stand on its own bottom," said I; "they +take pleasure in receiving obligations, I take pleasure in being +independent. Perhaps they are wise, and I am a fool, I know not, but one +thing I am certain of, which is, that were I not independent I should be +very unhappy: I should have no visions then." "Have you any relations?" +said the landlord, looking at me compassionately; "excuse me, but I don't +think you are exactly fit to take care of yourself." "There you are +mistaken," said I, "I can take precious good care of myself; ay, and can +drive a precious hard bargain when I have occasion, but driving bargains +is a widely different thing from receiving gifts. I am going to take my +horse to Horncastle, and when there I shall endeavour to obtain his full +value--ay, to the last penny." + +"Horncastle!" said the landlord, "I have heard of that place; you mustn't +be dreaming visions when you get there, or they'll steal the horse from +under you. Well," said he, rising, "I shall not press you further on the +subject of the cheque. I intend, however, to put you under an obligation +to me." He then rang the bell, and having ordered two fresh glasses to +be brought, he went out and presently returned with a small pint bottle, +which he uncorked with his own hand; then sitting down, he said, "The +wine that I bring here is port of eighteen hundred and eleven, the year +of the comet, the best vintage on record; the wine which we have been +drinking," he added, "is good, but not to be compared with this, which I +never sell, and which I am chary of. When you have drunk some of it, I +think you will own that I have conferred an obligation upon you;" he then +filled the glasses, the wine which he poured out diffusing an aroma +through the room; then motioning me to drink, he raised his own glass to +his lips, saying, "Come, friend, I drink to your success at Horncastle." + + + + +CHAPTER XXX. + + +TRIUMPHAL DEPARTURE--NO SEASON LIKE YOUTH--EXTREME OLD AGE--BEAUTIFUL +ENGLAND--THE RATCATCHER--A MISADVENTURE. + +I departed from the inn much in the same fashion as I had come to it, +mounted on a splendid horse indifferently well caparisoned, with the +small valise attached to my crupper, in which, besides the few things I +had brought with me, was a small book of roads with a map, which had been +presented to me by the landlord. I must not forget to state that I did +not ride out of the yard, but that my horse was brought to me at the +front door by old Bill, who insisted upon doing so, and who refused a +five-shilling piece which I offered him; and it will be as well to let +the reader know that the landlord shook me by the hand as I mounted, and +that the people attached to the inn, male and female--my friend the +postillion at the head--assembled before the house to see me off, and +gave me three cheers as I rode away. Perhaps no person ever departed +from an inn with more _eclat_ or better wishes; nobody looked at me +askance, except two stage-coachmen who were loitering about, one of whom +said to his companion, "I say, Jim! twig his portmanteau! a regular +Newmarket turn-out, by . . .!" + +It was in the cool of the evening of a bright day--all the days of that +summer were bright--that I departed. I felt at first rather melancholy +at finding myself again launched into the wide world, and leaving the +friends whom I had lately made behind me; but by occasionally trotting +the horse, and occasionally singing a song of Romanvile, I had dispelled +the feeling of melancholy by the time I had proceeded three miles down +the main road. It was at the end of these three miles, just opposite a +milestone, that I struck into a cross road. After riding about seven +miles, threading what are called, in postillion parlance, cross-country +roads, I reached another high road, tending to the east, along which I +proceeded for a mile or two, when coming to a small inn, about nine +o'clock, I halted and put up for the night. + +Early on the following morning I proceeded on my journey, but fearing to +gall the horse, I no longer rode him, but led him by the bridle, until I +came to a town at the distance of about ten miles from the place where I +had passed the night. Here I stayed during the heat of the day, more on +the horse's account than my own, and towards evening resumed my journey, +leading the animal by the bridle as before; and in this manner I +proceeded for several days, travelling on an average from twenty to +twenty-five miles a day, always leading the animal, except perhaps now +and then of an evening, when, if I saw a good piece of road before me, I +would mount and put the horse into a trot, which the creature seemed to +enjoy as much as myself, showing his satisfaction by snorting and +neighing, whilst I gave utterance to my own exhilaration by shouts, or by +"the chi she is kaulo she soves pre lakie dumo," or by something else of +the same kind in Romanvile. + +On the whole, I journeyed along very pleasantly, certainly quite as +pleasantly as I do at present, now that I am become a gentleman, and +weigh sixteen stone, though some people would say that my present manner +of travelling is much the most preferable, riding as I now do, instead of +leading my horse; receiving the homage of ostlers instead of their +familiar nods; sitting down to dinner in the parlour of the best inn I +can find, instead of passing the brightest part of the day in the kitchen +of a village alehouse; carrying on my argument after dinner on the +subject of the corn-laws with the best commercial gentlemen on the road, +instead of being glad, whilst sipping a pint of beer, to get into +conversation with blind trampers, or maimed Abraham sailors, regaling +themselves on half-pints at the said village hostelries. Many people +will doubtless say that things have altered wonderfully with me for the +better, and they would say right, provided I possessed now what I then +carried about with me in my journeys--the spirit of youth. Youth is the +only season for enjoyment, and the first twenty-five years of one's life +are worth all the rest of the longest life of man, even though those five- +and-twenty be spent in penury and contempt, and the rest in the +possession of wealth, honours, respectability, ay, and many of them in +strength and health, such as will enable one to ride forty miles before +dinner, and over one's pint of port--for the best gentleman in the land +should not drink a bottle--carry on one's argument, with gravity and +decorum, with any commercial gentleman who, responsive to one's +challenge, takes the part of common sense and humanity against +"protection" and the lord of land. + +Ah! there is nothing like youth--not that after-life is valueless. Even +in extreme old age one may get on very well, provided we will but accept +of the bounties of God. I met the other day an old man, who asked me to +drink. "I am not thirsty," said I, "and will not drink with you." "Yes, +you will," said the old man, "for I am this day one hundred years old; +and you will never again have an opportunity of drinking the health of a +man on his hundredth birthday." So I broke my word, and drank. "Yours +is a wonderful age," said I. "It is a long time to look back to the +beginning of it," said the old man; "yet, upon the whole, I am not sorry +to have lived it all." "How have you passed your time?" said I. "As +well as I could," said the old man; "always enjoying a good thing when it +came honestly within my reach; not forgetting to praise God for putting +it there." "I suppose you were fond of a glass of good ale when you were +young?" "Yes," said the old man, "I was; and so, thank God, I am still." +And he drank off a glass of ale. + +On I went in my journey, traversing England from west to east--ascending +and descending hills--crossing rivers by bridge and ferry--and passing +over extensive plains. What a beautiful country is England! People run +abroad to see beautiful countries, and leave their own behind unknown, +unnoticed--their own the most beautiful! And then, again, what a country +for adventures! especially to those who travel it on foot, or on +horseback. People run abroad in quest of adventures, and traverse Spain +and Portugal on mule or on horseback; whereas there are ten times more +adventures to be met with in England than in Spain, Portugal, or stupid +Germany to boot. Witness the number of adventures narrated in the +present book--a book entirely devoted to England. Why, there is not a +chapter in the present book which is not full of adventures, with the +exception of the present one, and this is not yet terminated. + +After traversing two or three counties, I reached the confines of +Lincolnshire. During one particularly hot day I put up at a +public-house, to which in the evening came a party of harvesters to make +merry, who, finding me wandering about the house a stranger, invited me +to partake of their ale; so I drank with the harvesters, who sang me +songs about rural life, such as-- + + "Sitting in the swale; and listening to the swindle of the flail, as + it sounds dub-a-dub on the corn, from the neighbouring barn." + +In requital for which I treated them with a song, not of Romanvile, but +the song of "Sivord and the horse Grayman." I remained with them till it +was dark, having, after sunset, entered into deep discourse with a +celebrated ratcatcher, who communicated to me the secrets of his trade, +saying, amongst other things, "When you see the rats pouring out of their +holes, and running up my hands and arms, it's not after me they comes, +but after the oils I carries about me they comes;" and who subsequently +spoke in the most enthusiastic manner of his trade, saying that it was +the best trade in the world, and most diverting, and that it was likely +to last for ever; for whereas all other kinds of vermin were fast +disappearing from England, rats were every day becoming more abundant. I +had quitted this good company, and having mounted my horse, was making my +way towards a town at about six miles' distance, at a swinging trot, my +thoughts deeply engaged on what I had gathered from the ratcatcher, when +all on a sudden a light glared upon the horse's face, who purled round in +great terror, and flung me out of the saddle, as from a sling, or with as +much violence as the horse Grayman, in the ballad, flings Sivord the +Snareswayne. I fell upon the ground--felt a kind of crashing about my +neck--and forthwith became senseless. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI. + + +NOVEL SITUATION--THE ELDERLY INDIVIDUAL--THE SURGEON--A KIND +OFFER--CHIMERICAL IDEAS--STRANGE DREAM. + +How long I remained senseless I cannot say, for a considerable time I +believe; at length, opening my eyes, I found myself lying on a bed in a +middle-sized chamber, lighted by a candle, which stood on a table--an +elderly man stood near me, and a yet more elderly female was holding a +phial of very pungent salts to my olfactory organ. I attempted to move, +but felt very stiff--my right arm appeared nearly paralysed, and there +was a strange dull sensation in my head. "You had better remain still, +young man," said the elderly individual, "the surgeon will be here +presently; I have sent a message for him to the neighbouring village." +"Where am I?" said I, "and what has happened?" "You are in my house," +said the old man, "and you have been flung from a horse. I am sorry to +say that I was the cause. As I was driving home, the lights in my gig +frightened the animal." "Where is the horse?" said I. "Below, in my +stable," said the elderly individual. "I saw you fall, but knowing that +on account of my age I could be of little use to you, I instantly hurried +home, the accident did not occur more than a furlong off, and procuring +the assistance of my lad, and two or three neighbouring cottagers, I +returned to the spot where you were lying senseless. We raised you up, +and brought you here. My lad then went in quest of the horse, who had +run away as we drew nigh. When we saw him first, he was standing near +you; he caught him with some difficulty, and brought him home." "What +are you about?" said the old man, as I strove to get off the bed. "I +want to see the horse," said I. "I entreat you to be still," said the +old man; "the horse is safe, I assure you." "I am thinking about his +knees," said I. "Instead of thinking about your horse's knees," said the +old man, "be thankful that you have not broke your own neck." "You do +not talk wisely," said I; "when a man's neck is broke he is provided for; +but when his horse's knees are broke he is a lost jockey, that is, if he +has nothing but his horse to depend upon. A pretty figure I should cut +at Horncastle, mounted on a horse blood-raw at the knees." "Oh, you are +going to Horncastle," said the old man, seriously, "then I can sympathise +with you in your anxiety about your horse, being a Lincolnshire man, and +the son of one who bred horses. I will myself go down into the stable, +and examine into the condition of your horse, so pray remain quiet till I +return; it would certainly be a terrible thing to appear at Horncastle on +a broken-kneed horse." + +He left the room, and returned at the end of about ten minutes, followed +by another person. "Your horse is safe," said he, "and his knees are +unblemished; not a hair ruffled. He is a fine animal, and will do credit +to Horncastle; but here is the surgeon come to examine into your own +condition." The surgeon was a man about thirty-five, thin, and rather +tall; his face was long and pale, and his hair, which was light, was +carefully combed back as much as possible from his forehead. He was +dressed very neatly, and spoke in a very precise tone. "Allow me to feel +your pulse, friend?" said he, taking me by the right wrist. I uttered a +cry, for at the motion which he caused a thrill of agony darted through +my arm. "I hope your arm is not broke, my friend," said the surgeon, +"allow me to see; first of all, we must divest you of this cumbrous +frock." + +The frock was removed with some difficulty, and then the upper vestments +of my frame, with more difficulty still. The surgeon felt my arm, moving +it up and down, causing me unspeakable pain. "There is no fracture," +said he, at last, "but a contusion--a violent contusion. I am told you +were going to Horncastle; I am afraid you will be hardly able to ride +your horse thither in time to dispose of him; however, we shall see--your +arm must be bandaged, friend; after which I will bleed you, and +administer a composing draught." + +To be short, the surgeon did as he proposed, and when he had administered +the composing draught, he said, "Be of good cheer; I should not be +surprised if you are yet in time for Horncastle." He then departed with +the master of the house, and the woman, leaving me to my repose, I soon +began to feel drowsy, and was just composing myself to slumber, lying on +my back, as the surgeon had advised me, when I heard steps ascending the +stairs, and in a moment more the surgeon entered again, followed by the +master of the house. "I hope we don't disturb you," said the former; "my +reason for returning is to relieve your mind from any anxiety with +respect to your horse. I am by no means sure that you will be able, +owing to your accident, to reach Horncastle in time: to quiet you, +however, I will buy your horse for any reasonable sum. I have been down +to the stable, and approve of his figure. What do you want for him?" +"This is a strange time of night," said I, "to come to me about +purchasing my horse, and I am hardly in a fitting situation to be applied +to about such a matter. What do you want him for?" "For my own use," +said the surgeon; "I am a professional man, and am obliged to be +continually driving about; I cover at least one hundred and fifty miles +every week." "He will never answer your purpose," said I, "he is not a +driving horse, and was never between the shafts in his life; he is for +riding, more especially for trotting, at which he has few equals." "It +matters not to me whether he is for riding or driving," said the surgeon, +"sometimes I ride, sometimes drive; so if we can come to terms, I will +buy him, though remember it is chiefly to remove any anxiety from your +mind about him." "This is no time for bargaining," said I, "if you wish +to have the horse for a hundred guineas, you may; if not . . ." "A +hundred guineas," said the surgeon, "my good friend, you must surely be +light-headed; allow me to feel your pulse," and he attempted to feel my +left wrist. "I am not light-headed," said I, "and I require no one to +feel my pulse; but I should be light-headed if I were to sell my horse +for less than I have demanded; but I have a curiosity to know what you +would be willing to offer." "Thirty pounds," said the surgeon, "is all I +can afford to give; and that is a great deal for a country surgeon to +offer for a horse." "Thirty pounds," said I, "why he cost me nearly +double that sum. To tell you the truth, I am afraid you want to take +advantage of my situation." "Not in the least, friend," said the +surgeon, "not in the least; I only wished to set your mind at rest about +your horse; but as you think he is worth more than I can afford to offer, +take him to Horncastle by all means; I will do my best to cure you in +time. Good-night, I will see you again on the morrow." Thereupon he +once more departed with the master of the house. "A sharp one," I heard +him say, with a laugh, as the door closed upon him. + +Left to myself, I again essayed to compose myself to rest, but for some +time in vain. I had been terribly shaken by my fall, and had +subsequently, owing to the incision of the surgeon's lancet, been +deprived of much of the vital fluid; it is when the body is in such a +state that the merest trifles affect and agitate the mind; no wonder, +then, that the return of the surgeon and the master of the house for the +purpose of inquiring whether I would sell my horse struck me as being +highly extraordinary, considering the hour of the night, and the +situation in which they knew me to be. What could they mean by such +conduct--did they wish to cheat me of the animal? "Well, well," said I, +"if they did, what matters, they found their match; yes, yes," said I, +"but I am in their power, perhaps"--but I instantly dismissed the +apprehension which came into my mind with a pooh, nonsense! In a little +time, however, a far more foolish and chimerical idea began to disturb +me--the idea of being flung from my horse; was I not disgraced for ever +as a horseman by being flung from my horse? Assuredly, I thought; and +the idea of being disgraced as a horseman, operating on my nervous +system, caused me very acute misery. "After all," said I to myself, "it +was perhaps the contemptible opinion which the surgeon must have formed +of my equestrian powers, which induced him to offer to take my horse off +my hands; he perhaps thought I was unable to manage a horse, and +therefore in pity returned in the dead of night to offer to purchase the +animal which had flung me;" and then the thought that the surgeon had +conceived a contemptible opinion of my equestrian powers caused me the +acutest misery, and continued tormenting me until some other idea (I have +forgot what it was, but doubtless equally foolish) took possession of my +mind. At length, brought on by the agitation of my spirits, there came +over me the same feeling of horror that I had experienced of old when I +was a boy, and likewise of late within the dingle; it was, however, not +so violent as it had been on those occasions, and I struggled manfully +against it, until by degrees it passed away, and then I fell asleep; and +in my sleep I had an ugly dream. I dreamt that I had died of the +injuries I had received from my fall, and that no sooner had my soul +departed from my body than it entered that of a quadruped, even my own +horse in the stable--in a word, I was, to all intents and purposes, my +own steed; and as I stood in the stable chewing hay (and I remember that +the hay was exceedingly tough), the door opened, and the surgeon who had +attended me came in. "My good animal," said he, "as your late master has +scarcely left enough to pay for the expenses of his funeral, and nothing +to remunerate me for my trouble, I shall make bold to take possession of +you. If your paces are good, I shall keep you for my own riding; if not, +I shall take you to Horncastle, your original destination." He then +bridled and saddled me, and, leading me out, mounted, and then trotted me +up and down before the house, at the door of which the old man, who now +appeared to be dressed in regular jockey fashion, was standing. "I like +his paces well," said the surgeon; "I think I shall take him for my own +use." "And what am I to have for all the trouble his master caused me?" +said my late entertainer, on whose countenance I now observed, for the +first time, a diabolical squint. "The consciousness of having done your +duty to a fellow-creature in succouring him in a time of distress, must +be your reward," said the surgeon. "Pretty gammon, truly," said my late +entertainer; "what would you say if I were to talk in that way to you? +Come, unless you choose to behave jonnock, I shall take the bridle and +lead the horse back into the stable." "Well," said the surgeon, "we are +old friends, and I don't wish to dispute with you, so I'll tell you what +I will do: I will ride the animal to Horncastle, and we will share what +he fetches like brothers." "Good," said the old man, "but if you say +that you have sold him for less than a hundred, I shan't consider you +jonnock; remember what the young fellow said--that young fellow . . ." I +heard no more, for the next moment I found myself on a broad road +leading, as I supposed, in the direction of Horncastle, the surgeon still +in the saddle, and my legs moving at a rapid trot. "Get on," said the +surgeon, jerking my mouth with the bit; whereupon, full of rage, I +instantly set off at a full gallop, determined, if possible, to dash my +rider to the earth. The surgeon, however, kept his seat, and, so far +from attempting to abate my speed, urged me on to greater efforts with a +stout stick, which methought he held in his hand. In vain did I rear and +kick, attempting to get rid of my foe; but the surgeon remained as saddle- +fast as ever the Maugrabin sorcerer in the Arabian tale what time he rode +the young prince transformed into a steed to his enchanted palace in the +wilderness. At last, as I was still madly dashing on, panting and +blowing, and had almost given up all hope, I saw at a distance before me +a heap of stones by the side of the road, probably placed there for the +purpose of repairing it; a thought appeared to strike me--I will shy at +those stones, and if I can't get rid of him so, resign myself to my fate. +So I increased my speed till arriving within about ten yards of the heap, +I made a desperate start, turning half round with nearly the velocity of +a mill-stone. Oh, the joy I experienced when I felt my enemy canted over +my neck, and saw him lying senseless in the road. "I have you now in my +power," I said, or rather neighed, as, going up to my prostrate foe, I +stood over him. "Suppose I were to rear now, and let my fore feet fall +upon you, what would your life be worth? that is, supposing you are not +killed already, but lie there, I will do you no further harm, but trot to +Horncastle without a rider, and when there . . ." and without further +reflection off I trotted in the direction of Horncastle, but had not gone +far before my bridle, falling from my neck, got entangled with my off +fore foot. I felt myself falling, a thrill of agony shot through me--my +knees would be broken, and what should I do at Horncastle with a pair of +broken knees? I struggled, but I could not disengage my off fore foot, +and downward I fell, but before I had reached the ground I awoke, and +found myself half out of bed, my bandaged arm in considerable pain, and +my left hand just touching the floor. + +With some difficulty I readjusted myself in bed. It was now early +morning, and the first rays of the sun were beginning to penetrate the +white curtains of a window on my left, which probably looked into a +garden, as I caught a glimpse or two of the leaves of trees through a +small uncovered part at the side. For some time I felt uneasy and +anxious, my spirits being in a strange fluttering state. At last my eyes +fell upon a small row of tea-cups, seemingly of china, which stood on a +mantelpiece exactly fronting the bottom of the bed. The sight of these +objects, I know not why, soothed and pacified me; I kept my eyes fixed +upon them, as I lay on my back on the bed, with my head upon the pillow, +till at last I fell into a calm and refreshing sleep. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXII. + + +THE MORNING AFTER A FALL--THE TEAPOT--UNPRETENDING HOSPITALITY--THE +CHINESE STUDENT. + +It might be about eight o'clock in the morning when I was awakened by the +entrance of the old man. "How have you rested?" said he, coming up to +the bedside and looking me in the face. "Well," said I, "and I feel much +better, but I am still very sore." I surveyed him now for the first time +with attention. He was dressed in a sober-coloured suit, and was +apparently between sixty and seventy. In stature he was rather above the +middle height, but with a slight stoop, his features were placid, and +expressive of much benevolence, but, as it appeared to me, with rather a +melancholy cast--as I gazed upon them, I felt ashamed that I should ever +have conceived in my brain a vision like that of the preceding night, in +which he appeared in so disadvantageous a light. At length he said, "It +is now time for you to take some refreshment. I hear my old servant +coming up with your breakfast." In a moment the elderly female entered +with a tray, on which was some bread and butter, a teapot and cup. The +cup was of common blue earthenware, but the pot was of china, curiously +fashioned, and seemingly of great antiquity. The old man poured me out a +cupful of tea, and then, with the assistance of the woman, raised me +higher, and propped me up with pillows. I ate and drank; when the pot +was emptied of its liquid (it did not contain much), I raised it up with +my left hand to inspect it. The sides were covered with curious +characters, seemingly hieroglyphics. After surveying them for some time, +I replaced it upon the tray. "You seem fond of china," said I to the old +man, after the servant had retired with the breakfast things, and I had +returned to my former posture; "you have china on the mantelpiece, and +that was a remarkable teapot out of which I have just been drinking." + +The old man fixed his eyes intently on me, and methought the expression +of his countenance became yet more melancholy. "Yes," said he, at last, +"I am fond of china--I have reason to be fond of china--but for china I +should . . ." and here he sighed again. + +"You value it for the quaintness and singularity of its form," said I; +"it appears to be less adapted for real use than our own pottery." + +"I care little about its form," said the old man; "I care for it simply +on account of . . . however, why talk to you on a subject which can have +no possible interest for you? I expect the surgeon here presently." + +"I do not like that surgeon at all," said I; "how strangely he behaved +last night, coming back, when I was just falling asleep, to ask me if I +would sell my horse." + +The old man smiled. "He has but one failing," said he, "an itch for +horse-dealing; but for that he might be a much richer man than he is; he +is continually buying and exchanging horses, and generally finds himself +a loser by his bargains: but he is a worthy creature, and skilful in his +profession--it is well for you that you are under his care." + +The old man then left me, and in about an hour returned with the surgeon, +who examined me and reported favourably as to my case. He spoke to me +with kindness and feeling, and did not introduce the subject of the +horse. I asked him whether he thought I should be in time for the fair. +"I saw some people making their way thither to-day," said he; "the fair +lasts three weeks, and it has just commenced. Yes, I think I may promise +you that you will be in time for the very heat of it. In a few days you +will be able to mount your saddle with your arm in a sling, but you must +by no means appear with your arm in a sling at Horncastle, as people +would think that your horse had flung you, and that you wanted to dispose +of him because he was a vicious brute. You must, by all means, drop the +sling before you get to Horncastle." + +For three days I kept my apartment by the advice of the surgeon. I +passed my time as I best could. Stretched on my bed, I either abandoned +myself to reflection, or listened to the voices of the birds in the +neighbouring garden. Sometimes, as I lay awake at night, I would +endeavour to catch the tick of a clock, which methought sounded from some +distant part of the house. + +The old man visited me twice or thrice every day to inquire into my +state. His words were few on these occasions, and he did not stay long. +Yet his voice and his words were kind. What surprised me most in +connection with this individual was the delicacy of conduct which he +exhibited in not letting a word proceed from his lips which could testify +curiosity respecting who I was, or whence I came. All he knew of me was, +that I had been flung from my horse on my way to a fair for the purpose +of disposing of the animal; and that I was now his guest. I might be a +common horse-dealer for what he knew, yet I was treated by him with all +the attention which I could have expected had I been an alderman of +Boston's heir, and known to him as such. The county in which I am now, +thought I at last, must be either extraordinarily devoted to hospitality, +or this old host of mine must be an extraordinary individual. On the +evening of the fourth day, feeling tired of my confinement, I put my +clothes on in the best manner I could, and left the chamber. Descending +a flight of stairs, I reached a kind of quadrangle, from which branched +two or three passages; one of these I entered, which had a door at the +farther end, and one on each side; the one to the left standing partly +open, I entered it, and found myself in a middle-sized room with a large +window, or rather glass-door, which looked into a garden, and which stood +open. There was nothing remarkable in this room, except a large quantity +of china. There was china on the mantelpiece--china on two tables, and a +small beaufet, which stood opposite the glass-door, was covered with +china--there were cups, teapots, and vases of various forms, and on all +of them I observed characters--not a teapot, not a tea-cup, not a vase of +whatever form or size, but appeared to possess hieroglyphics on some part +or other. After surveying these articles for some time with no little +interest, I passed into the garden, in which there were small parterres +of flowers, and two or three trees, and which, where the house did not +abut, was bounded by a wall; turning to the right by a walk by the side +of the house, I passed by a door--probably the one I had seen at the end +of the passage--and arrived at another window similar to that through +which I had come, and which also stood open; I was about to pass by it, +when I heard the voice of my entertainer exclaiming, "Is that you? pray +come in." + +I entered the room, which seemed to be a counterpart of the one which I +had just left. It was of the same size, had the same kind of furniture, +and appeared to be equally well stocked with china; one prominent article +it possessed, however, which the other room did not exhibit--namely, a +clock, which, with its pendulum moving tick-a-tick, hung against the wall +opposite to the door, the sight of which made me conclude that the sound +which methought I had heard in the stillness of the night was not an +imaginary one. There it hung on the wall, with its pendulum moving tick- +a-tick. The old gentleman was seated in an easy-chair a little way into +the room, having the glass-door on his right hand. On a table before him +lay a large open volume, in which I observed Roman letters as well as +characters. A few inches beyond the book on the table, covered all over +with hieroglyphics, stood a china vase. The eyes of the old man were +fixed upon it. + +"Sit down," said he, motioning me with his hand to a stool close by, but +without taking his eyes from the vase. + +"I can't make it out," said he, at last, removing his eyes from the vase, +and leaning back on the chair; "I can't make it out." + +"I wish I could assist you," said I. + +"Assist me," said the old man, looking at me, with a half smile. + +"Yes," said I, "but I don't understand Chinese." + +"I suppose not," said the old man, with another slight smile; "but--but +. . ." + +"Pray proceed," said I. + +"I wished to ask you," said the old man, "how you knew that the +characters on yon piece of crockery were Chinese; or, indeed, that there +was such a language?" + +"I knew the crockery was china," said I, "and naturally enough supposed +what was written upon it to be Chinese; as for there being such a +language--the English have a language, the French have a language, and +why not the Chinese?" + +"May I ask you a question?" + +"As many as you like." + +"Do you know any language besides English?" + +"Yes," said I, "I know a little of two or three." + +"May I ask their names?" + +"Why not?" said I. "I know a little French." + +"Anything else?" + +"Yes, a little Welsh, and a little Haik." + +"What is Haik?" + +"Armenian." + +"I am glad to see you in my house," said the old man, shaking me by the +hand; "how singular that one coming as you did should know Armenian!" + +"Not more singular," said I, "than that one living in such a place as +this should know Chinese. How came you to acquire it?" + +The old man looked at me, and sighed. "I beg pardon," said I, "for +asking what is, perhaps, an impertinent question; I have not imitated +your own delicacy; you have never asked me a question without first +desiring permission, and here I have been days and nights in your house +an intruder on your hospitality, and you have never so much as asked me +who I am." + +"In forbearing to do that," said the old man, "I merely obeyed the +Chinese precept, 'Ask no questions of a guest;' it is written on both +sides of the teapot out of which you have had your tea." + +"I wish I knew Chinese," said I. "Is it a difficult language to +acquire?" + +"I have reason to think so," said the old man. "I have been occupied +upon it five-and-thirty years, and I am still very imperfectly acquainted +with it; at least, I frequently find upon my crockery sentences the +meaning of which to me is very dark, though it is true these sentences +are mostly verses, which are, of course, more difficult to understand +than mere prose." + +"Are your Chinese studies," said I, "confined to crockery literature?" + +"Entirely," said the old man; "I read nothing else." + +"I have heard," said I, "that the Chinese have no letters, but that for +every word they have a separate character--is it so?" + +"For every word they have a particular character," said the old man; +"though, to prevent confusion, they have arranged their words under two +hundred and fourteen what we should call radicals, but which they call +keys. As we arrange all our words in a dictionary under twenty-four +letters, so do they arrange all their words, or characters, under two +hundred and fourteen radical signs; the simplest radicals being the +first, and the more complex the last." + +"Does the Chinese resemble any of the European languages in words?" said +I. + +"I am scarcely competent to inform you," said the old man; "but I believe +not." + +"What does that character represent?" said I, pointing to one on the +vase. + +"A knife," said the old man; "that character is one of the simplest +radicals or keys." + +"And what is the sound of it?" said I. + +"Tau," said the old man. + +"Tau!" said I; "tau!" + +"A strange word for a knife! is it not?" said the old man. + +"Tawse!" said I; "tawse!" + +"What is tawse?" said the old man. + +"You were never at school at Edinburgh, I suppose?" + +"Never," said the old man. + +"That accounts for your not knowing the meaning of tawse," said I; "had +you received the rudiments of a classical education at the High School, +you would have known the meaning of tawse full well. It is a leathern +thong, with which refractory urchins are recalled to a sense of their +duty by the dominie, Tau--tause--how singular!" + +"I cannot see what the two words have in common, except a slight +agreement in sound." + +"You will see the connection," said I, "when I inform you that the thong, +from the middle to the bottom, is cut or slit into two or three parts, +from which slits or cuts, unless I am very much mistaken, it derives its +name--tawse, a thong with slits or cuts, used for chastising disorderly +urchins at the High School, from the French tailler, to cut; evidently +connected with the Chinese tau, a knife--how very extraordinary!" + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII. + + +CONVALESCENCE--THE SURGEON'S BILL--LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION--COMMENCEMENT +OF THE OLD MAN'S HISTORY. + +Two days--three days passed away--and I still remained at the house of my +hospitable entertainer; my bruised limb rapidly recovering the power of +performing its functions. I passed my time agreeably enough, sometimes +in my chamber, communing with my own thoughts; sometimes in the stable, +attending to, and not unfrequently conversing with, my horse; and at meal- +time--for I seldom saw him at any other--discoursing with the old +gentleman, sometimes on the Chinese vocabulary, sometimes on Chinese +syntax, and once or twice on English horseflesh; though on this latter +subject, notwithstanding his descent from a race of horse-traders, he did +not enter with much alacrity. As a small requital for his kindness, I +gave him one day, after dinner, unasked, a brief account of my history +and pursuits. He listened with attention; and when it was concluded, +thanked me for the confidence which I had reposed in him. "Such +conduct," said he, "deserves a return. I will tell you my own history; +it is brief, but may perhaps not prove uninteresting to you--though the +relation of it will give me some pain." "Pray, then, do not recite it," +said I. "Yes," said the old man, "I will tell you, for I wish you to +know it." He was about to begin, when he was interrupted by the arrival +of the surgeon. The surgeon examined into the state of my bruised limb, +and told me, what indeed I already well knew, that it was rapidly +improving. "You will not even require a sling," said he, "to ride to +Horncastle. When do you propose going?" he demanded. "When do you think +I may venture?" I replied. "I think, if you are a tolerably good +horseman, you may mount the day after to-morrow," answered the medical +man. "By-the-bye, are you acquainted with anybody at Horncastle?" "With +no living soul," I answered. "Then you would scarcely find stable-room +for your horse. But I am happy to be able to assist you. I have a +friend there who keeps a small inn, and who, during the time of the fair, +keeps a stall vacant for any quadruped I may bring, until he knows +whether I am coming or not. I will give you a letter to him, and he will +see after the accommodation of your horse. To-morrow I will pay you a +farewell visit, and bring you the letter." "Thank you," said I; "and do +not forget to bring your bill." The surgeon looked at the old man, who +gave him a peculiar nod. "Oh!" said he, in reply to me, "for the little +service I have rendered you, I require no remuneration. You are in my +friend's house, and he and I understand each other." "I never receive +such favours," said I, "as you have rendered me, without remunerating +them; therefore I shall expect your bill." "Oh! just as you please," +said the surgeon; and shaking me by the hand more warmly than he had +hitherto done, he took his leave. + +On the evening of the next day, the last which I spent with my kind +entertainer, I sat at tea with him in a little summer-house in his +garden, partially shaded by the boughs of a large fig-tree. The surgeon +had shortly before paid me his farewell visit, and had brought me the +letter of introduction to his friend at Horncastle, and also his bill, +which I found anything but extravagant. After we had each respectively +drank the contents of two cups--and it may not be amiss here to inform +the reader that though I took cream with my tea, as I always do when I +can procure that addition, the old man, like most people bred up in the +country, drank his without it--he thus addressed me:--"I am, as I told +you on the night of your accident, the son of a breeder of horses, a +respectable and honest man. When I was about twenty he died, leaving me, +his only child, a comfortable property, consisting of about two hundred +acres of land and some fifteen hundred pounds in money. My mother had +died about three years previously. I felt the death of my mother keenly, +but that of my father less than was my duty; indeed, truth compels me to +acknowledge that I scarcely regretted his death. The cause of this want +of proper filial feeling was the opposition which I had experienced from +him in an affair which deeply concerned me. I had formed an attachment +for a young female in the neighbourhood, who, though poor, was of highly +respectable birth, her father having been a curate of the Established +Church. She was, at the time of which I am speaking, an orphan, having +lost both her parents, and supported herself by keeping a small school. +My attachment was returned, and we had pledged our vows, but my father, +who could not reconcile himself to her lack of fortune, forbade our +marriage in the most positive terms. He was wrong, for she was a fortune +in herself--amiable and accomplished. Oh! I cannot tell you all she +was"--and here the old man drew his hand across his eyes. "By the death +of my father, the only obstacle to our happiness appeared to be removed. +We agreed, therefore, that our marriage should take place within the +course of a year; and I forthwith commenced enlarging my house and +getting my affairs in order. Having been left in the easy circumstances +which I have described, I determined to follow no business, but to pass +my life in a strictly domestic manner, and to be very, very happy. +Amongst other property derived from my father were several horses, which +I disposed of in this neighbourhood, with the exception of two remarkably +fine ones, which I determined to take to the next fair at Horncastle, the +only place where I expected to be able to obtain what I considered to be +their full value. At length the time arrived for the commencement of the +fair, which was within three months of the period which my beloved and +myself had fixed upon for the celebration of our nuptials. To the fair I +went, a couple of trusty men following me with the horses. I soon found +a purchaser for the animals, a portly, plausible person, of about forty, +dressed in a blue riding coat, brown top boots, and leather breeches. +There was a strange-looking urchin with him, attired in nearly similar +fashion, with a beam in one of his eyes, who called him father. The man +paid me for the purchase in bank-notes--three fifty-pound notes for the +two horses. As we were about to take leave of each other, he suddenly +produced another fifty-pound note, inquiring whether I could change it, +complaining, at the same time, of the difficulty of procuring change in +the fair. As I happened to have plenty of small money in my possession, +and as I felt obliged to him for having purchased my horses at what I +considered to be a good price, I informed him that I should be very happy +to accommodate him; so I changed him the note, and he, having taken +possession of the horses, went his way, and I myself returned home. + +"A month passed; during this time I paid away two of the notes which I +had received at Horncastle from the dealer--one of them in my immediate +neighbourhood, and the other at a town about fifteen miles distant, to +which I had repaired for the purpose of purchasing some furniture. All +things seemed to be going on most prosperously, and I felt quite happy, +when one morning, as I was overlooking some workmen who were employed +about my house, I was accosted by a constable, who informed me that he +was sent to request my immediate appearance before a neighbouring bench +of magistrates. Concluding that I was merely summoned on some +unimportant business connected with the neighbourhood, I felt no +surprise, and forthwith departed in company with the officer. The +demeanour of the man upon the way struck me as somewhat singular. I had +frequently spoken to him before, and had always found him civil and +respectful, but he was now reserved and sullen, and replied to two or +three questions which I put to him in anything but a courteous manner. On +arriving at the place where the magistrates were sitting--an inn at a +small town about two miles distant--I found a more than usual number of +people assembled, who appeared to be conversing with considerable +eagerness. At sight of me they became silent, but crowded after me as I +followed the man into the magistrates' room. There I found the tradesman +to whom I had paid the note for the furniture, at the town fifteen miles +off, in attendance, accompanied by an agent of the Bank of England; the +former, it seems, had paid the note into a provincial bank, the +proprietors of which, discovering it to be a forgery, had forthwith +written up to the Bank of England, who had sent down their agent to +investigate the matter. A third individual stood beside them--the person +in my own immediate neighbourhood to whom I had paid the second note; +this, by some means or other, before the coming down of the agent, had +found its way to the same provincial bank, and also being pronounced a +forgery, it had speedily been traced to the person to whom I had paid it. +It was owing to the apparition of this second note that the agent had +determined, without further inquiry, to cause me to be summoned before +the rural tribunal. + +"In a few words the magistrates' clerk gave me to understand the state of +the case. I was filled with surprise and consternation. I knew myself +to be perfectly innocent of any fraudulent intention, but at the time of +which I am speaking it was a matter fraught with the greatest danger to +be mixed up, how ever innocently, with the passing of false money. The +law with respect to forgery was terribly severe, and the innocent as well +as the guilty occasionally suffered. Of this I was not altogether +ignorant; unfortunately, however, in my transactions with the stranger, +the idea of false notes being offered to me, and my being brought into +trouble by means of them, never entered my mind. Recovering myself a +little, I stated that the notes in question were two of three notes which +I had received at Horncastle for a pair of horses, which it was well +known I had carried thither. + +"Thereupon I produced from my pocket-book the third note, which was +forthwith pronounced a forgery. I had scarcely produced the third note +when I remembered the one which I had changed for the Horncastle dealer, +and with the remembrance came the almost certain conviction that it was +also a forgery; I was tempted for a moment to produce it, and to explain +the circumstance--would to God I had done so!--but shame at the idea of +having been so wretchedly duped prevented me, and the opportunity was +lost. I must confess that the agent of the bank behaved, upon the whole, +in a very handsome manner; he said that as it was quite evident that I +had disposed of certain horses at the fair, it was very possible that I +might have received the notes in question in exchange for them, and that +he was willing, as he had received a very excellent account of my general +conduct, to press the matter no farther, that is, provided . . . And +here he stopped. Thereupon one of the three magistrates who were present +asked me whether I chanced to have any more of these spurious notes in my +possession. He had certainly a right to ask the question, but there was +something peculiar in his tone--insinuating suspicion. It is certainly +difficult to judge of the motives which rule a person's conduct, but I +cannot help imagining that he was somewhat influenced in his behaviour on +that occasion, which was anything but friendly, by my having refused to +sell him the horses at a price less than that which I expected to get at +the fair; be this as it may, the question filled me with embarrassment, +and I bitterly repented not having at first been more explicit. Thereupon +the magistrate, in the same kind of tone, demanded to see my pocket-book. +I knew that to demur would be useless, and produced it, and forthwith +amongst two or three country notes, appeared the fourth which I had +received from the Horncastle dealer. The agent took it up and examined +it with attention. 'Well, is it a genuine note?' said the magistrate. 'I +am sorry to say that it is not,' said the agent; 'it is a forgery, like +the other three.' The magistrate shrugged his shoulders, as indeed did +several people in the room. 'A regular dealer in forged notes,' said a +person close behind me; 'who would have thought it?' + +"Seeing matters begin to look so serious, I aroused myself and +endeavoured to speak in my own behalf, giving a candid account of the +manner in which I became possessed of the notes; but my explanation did +not appear to meet much credit: the magistrate, to whom I have in +particular alluded, asked why I had not at once stated the fact of my +having received a fourth note; and the agent, though in a very quiet tone +observed that he could not help thinking it somewhat strange that I +should have changed a note of so much value for a perfect stranger, even +supposing that he had purchased my horses, and had paid me their value in +hard cash; and I noticed that he laid a particular emphasis on the last +words. I might have observed that I was an inexperienced young man who +meaning no harm myself, suspected none in others, but I was confused, +stunned, and my tongue seemed to cleave to the roof of my mouth. The men +who had taken my horses to Horncastle, and for whom I had sent, as they +lived close at hand, now arrived, but the evidence which they could give +was anything but conclusive in my favour; they had seen me in company +with an individual at Horncastle, to whom by my orders they had delivered +certain horses, but they had seen no part of the money transaction; the +fellow, whether from design or not, having taken me aside into a retired +place, where he had paid me the three spurious notes, and induced me to +change the fourth, which throughout the affair was what bore most +materially against me. How matters might have terminated I do not know; +I might have been committed to prison, and I might have been . . . Just +then, when I most needed a friend, and least expected to find one, for +though amongst those present there were several who were my neighbours, +and who had professed friendship for me, none of them when they saw that +I needed support and encouragement came forward to yield me any, but, on +the contrary, appeared by their looks to enjoy my terror and +confusion--just then a friend entered the room in the person of the +surgeon of the neighbourhood, the father of him who has attended you; he +was not on very intimate terms with me, but he had occasionally spoken to +me, and had attended my father in his dying illness, and chancing to hear +that I was in trouble, he now hastened to assist me. After a short +preamble, in which he apologised to the bench for interfering, he begged +to be informed of the state of the case, whereupon the matter was laid +before him in all its details. He was not slow in taking a fair view of +it, and spoke well and eloquently in my behalf--insisting on the +improbability that a person of my habits and position would be wilfully +mixed up with a transaction like that of which it appeared I was +suspected--adding, that as he was fully convinced of my innocence, he was +ready to enter into any surety with respect to my appearance at any time +to answer anything which might be laid to my charge. This last +observation had particular effect, and as he was a person universally +respected, both for his skill in his profession and his general +demeanour, people began to think that a person in whom he took an +interest could scarcely be concerned in anything criminal, and though my +friend the magistrate--I call him so ironically--made two or three +demurs, it was at last agreed between him and his brethren of the bench, +that, for the present, I should be merely called upon to enter into my +own recognisance for the sum of two hundred pounds, to appear whenever it +should be deemed requisite to enter into any farther investigation of the +matter. + +"So I was permitted to depart from the tribunal of petty justice without +handcuffs, and uncollared by a constable; but people looked coldly and +suspiciously upon me. The first thing I did was to hasten to the house +of my beloved, in order to inform her of every circumstance attending the +transaction. I found her, but how? A malicious female individual had +hurried to her with a distorted tale, to the effect that I had been taken +up as an utterer of forged notes; that an immense number had been found +in my possession; that I was already committed, and that probably I +should be executed. My affianced one tenderly loved me, and her +constitution was delicate; fit succeeded fit; she broke a blood-vessel, +and I found her deluged in blood; the surgeon had just been sent for; he +came and afforded her every possible relief. I was distracted; he bade +me have hope, but I observed he looked very grave. + +"By the skill of the surgeon, the poor girl was saved in the first +instance from the arms of death, and for a few weeks she appeared to be +rapidly recovering; by degrees, however, she became melancholy; a worm +preyed upon her spirit; a slow fever took possession of her frame. I +subsequently learned that the same malicious female who had first carried +to her an exaggerated account of the affair, and who was a distant +relative of her own, frequently visited her, and did all in her power to +excite her fears with respect to its eventual termination. Time passed +on in a very wretched manner. Our friend the surgeon showing to us both +every mark of kindness and attention. + +"It was owing to this excellent man that my innocence was eventually +established. Having been called to a town on the borders of Yorkshire to +a medical consultation, he chanced to be taking a glass of wine with the +landlord of the inn at which he stopped, when the waiter brought in a +note to be changed, saying 'that the Quaker gentleman who had been for +some days in the house, and was about to depart, had sent it to be +changed, in order that he might pay his bill.' The landlord took the +note, and looked at it. 'A fifty-pound bill,' said he; 'I don't like +changing bills of that amount, lest they should prove bad ones; however, +as it comes from a Quaker gentleman, I suppose it is all right.' The +mention of a fifty-pound note aroused the attention of my friend, and he +requested to be permitted to look at it; he had scarcely seen it, when he +was convinced that it was one of the same description as those which had +brought me into trouble, as it corresponded with them in two particular +features, which the agent of the bank had pointed out to him and others +as evidence of their spuriousness. My friend, without a moment's +hesitation, informed the landlord that the note was a bad one, expressing +at the time a great wish to see the Quaker gentleman who wanted to have +it changed. 'That you can easily do,' said the landlord, and forthwith +conducted him into the common room, where he saw a respectable-looking +man, dressed like a Quaker, and seemingly about sixty years of age. + +"My friend, after a short apology, showed him the note which he held in +his hand, stating that he had no doubt it was a spurious one, and begged +to be informed where he had taken it, adding, that a particular friend of +his was at present in trouble, owing to his having taken similar notes +from a stranger at Horncastle; but that he hoped that he, the Quaker, +could give information by means of which the guilty party or parties, +could be arrested. At the mention of Horncastle, it appeared to my +friend that the Quaker gave a slight start. At the conclusion of this +speech, however, he answered, with great tranquillity, that he had +received it in the way of business at . . .--naming one of the principal +towns in Yorkshire--from a very respectable person, whose name he was +perfectly willing to communicate, and likewise his own, which he said was +James, and that he was a merchant residing at Liverpool; that he would +write to his friend at . . ., requesting him to make inquiries on the +subject; that just at that moment he was in a hurry to depart, having +some particular business at a town about ten miles off, to go to which he +had bespoken a post-chaise of the landlord; that with respect to the +note, it was doubtless a very disagreeable thing to have a suspicious one +in his possession, but that it would make little difference to him, as he +had plenty of other money, and thereupon he pulled out a purse containing +various other notes and some gold, observing 'that his only motive for +wishing to change the other note was a desire to be well provided with +change;' and finally, that if they had any suspicion with respect to him, +he was perfectly willing to leave the note in their possession till he +should return, which he intended to do in about a fortnight. There was +so much plausibility in the speech of the Quaker, and his appearance and +behaviour were so perfectly respectable, that my friend felt almost +ashamed of the suspicion which at first he had entertained of him, +though, at the same time, he felt an unaccountable unwillingness to let +the man depart without some further interrogation. The landlord, +however, who did not wish to disoblige one who had been, and might +probably be again, a profitable customer, declared that he was perfectly +satisfied; that he had no wish to detain the note, which he made no doubt +the gentleman had received in the way of business, and that as the matter +concerned him alone, he would leave it to him to make the necessary +inquiries. 'Just as you please, friend,' said the Quaker, pocketing the +suspicious note; 'I will now pay my bill.' Thereupon he discharged the +bill with a five-pound note, which he begged the landlord to inspect +carefully, and with two pieces of gold. + +"The landlord had just taken the money, receipted the bill, and was +bowing to his customer, when the door opened, and a lad, dressed in a +kind of grey livery, appeared, and informed the Quaker that the chaise +was ready. 'Is that boy your servant?' said the surgeon. 'He is, +friend,' said the Quaker. 'Hast thou any reason for asking me that +question?' 'And has he been long in your service?' 'Several years,' +replied the Quaker. 'I took him into my house out of compassion, he +being an orphan; but as the chaise is waiting, I will bid thee farewell.' +'I am afraid I must stop your journey for the present,' said the surgeon; +'that boy has exactly the same blemish in the eye which a boy had who was +in company with the man at Horncastle, from whom my friend received the +forged notes, and who there passed for his son.' 'I know nothing about +that,' said the Quaker, 'but I am determined to be detained here no +longer, after the satisfactory account which I have given as to the +note's coming into my possession.' He then attempted to leave the room, +but my friend detained him, a struggle ensued, during which a wig which +the Quaker wore fell off, whereupon he instantly appeared to lose some +twenty years of his age. 'Knock the fellow down, father,' said the boy, +'I'll help you.' + +"And, forsooth, the pretended Quaker took the boy's advice, and knocked +my friend down in a twinkling. The landlord, however, and waiter, seeing +how matters stood, instantly laid hold of him; but there can be no doubt +that he would have escaped from the whole three, had not certain guests +who were in the house, hearing the noise, rushed in, and helped to secure +him. The boy was true to his word, assisting him to the best of his +ability, flinging himself between the legs of his father's assailants, +causing several of them to stumble and fall. At length the fellow was +secured, and led before a magistrate; the boy, to whom he was heard to +say something which nobody understood, and to whom, after the man's +capture, no one paid much attention, was no more seen. + +"The rest, as far as this man was concerned, may be told in a few words; +nothing to criminate him was found on his person, but on his baggage +being examined, a quantity of spurious notes were discovered. Much of +his hardihood now forsook him, and in the hope of saving his life he made +some very important disclosures; amongst other things, he confessed that +it was he who had given me the notes in exchange for the horses, and also +the note to be changed. He was subsequently tried on two indictments, in +the second of which I appeared against him. He was condemned to die; +but, in consideration of the disclosures he had made, his sentence was +commuted to perpetual transportation. + +"My innocence was thus perfectly established before the eyes of the +world, and all my friends hastened to congratulate me. There was one who +congratulated me more than all the rest--it was my beloved one, +but--but--she was dying . . ." + +Here the old man drew his hand before his eyes, and remained for some +time without speaking; at length he removed his hand, and commenced again +with a broken voice: "You will pardon me if I hurry over this part of my +story, I am unable to dwell upon it. How dwell upon a period when I saw +my only earthly treasure pine away gradually day by day, and knew that +nothing could save her! She saw my agony, and did all she could to +console me, saying that she was herself quite resigned. A little time +before her death she expressed a wish that we should be united. I was +too happy to comply with her request. We were united, I brought her to +this house, where, in less than a week, she expired in my arms." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV. + + +THE OLD MAN'S STORY CONTINUED--MISERY IN THE HEAD--THE STRANGE MARKS--TEA- +DEALER FROM LONDON--DIFFICULTIES OF THE CHINESE LANGUAGE. + +After another pause the old man once more resumed his narration:--"If +ever there was a man perfectly miserable it was myself, after the loss of +that cherished woman. I sat solitary in the house, in which I had hoped +in her company to realise the choicest earthly happiness, a prey to the +bitterest reflections; many people visited and endeavoured to console +me--amongst them was the clergyman of the parish, who begged me to be +resigned, and told me that it was good to be afflicted. I bowed my head, +but I could not help thinking how easy it must be for those who feel no +affliction, to bid others to be resigned, and to talk of the benefit +resulting from sorrow; perhaps I should have paid more attention to his +discourse than I did, provided he had been a person for whom it was +possible to entertain much respect, but his own heart was known to be set +on the things of this world. + +"Within a little time he had an opportunity, in his own case, of +practising resignation, and of realising the benefit of being afflicted. +A merchant, to whom he had entrusted all his fortune, in the hope of a +large interest, became suddenly a bankrupt, with scarcely any assets. I +will not say that it was owing to this misfortune that the divine died +within less than a month after its occurrence, but such was the fact. +Amongst those who most frequently visited me was my friend the surgeon; +he did not confine himself to the common topics of consolation, but +endeavoured to impress upon me the necessity of rousing myself, advising +me to occupy my mind with some pursuit, particularly recommending +agriculture; but agriculture possessed no interest for me, nor, indeed, +any pursuit within my reach; my hopes of happiness had been blighted, and +what cared I for anything; so at last he thought it best to leave me to +myself, hoping that time would bring with it consolation; and I remained +solitary in my house, waited upon by a male and a female servant. Oh, +what dreary moments I passed! My only amusement--and it was a sad +one--was to look at the things which once belonged to my beloved, and +which were now in my possession. Oh, how fondly would I dwell upon them! +There were some books; I cared not for books, but these had belonged to +my beloved. Oh, how fondly did I dwell on them! Then there was her hat +and bonnet--oh, me, how fondly did I gaze upon them! and after looking at +her things for hours, I would sit and ruminate on the happiness I had +lost. How I execrated the moment I had gone to the fair to sell horses! +'Would that I had never been at Horncastle to sell horses!' I would say; +'I might at this moment have been enjoying the company of my beloved, +leading a happy, quiet, easy life, but for that fatal expedition;' that +thought worked on my brain, till my brain seemed to turn round. + +"One day I sat at the breakfast table gazing vacantly around me, my mind +was in a state of inexpressible misery; there was a whirl in my brain, +probably like that which people feel who are rapidly going mad; this +increased to such a degree that I felt giddiness coming upon me. To +abate this feeling I no longer permitted my eyes to wander about, but +fixed them upon an object on the table, and continued gazing at it for +several minutes without knowing what it was; at length, the misery in my +head was somewhat stilled, my lips moved, and I heard myself saying, +'What odd marks!' I had fastened my eyes on the side of a teapot, and by +keeping them fixed upon it, had become aware of a fact that had escaped +my notice before--namely, that there were marks upon it. I kept my eyes +fixed upon them, and repeated at intervals, 'What strange marks!'--for I +thought that looking upon the marks tended to abate the whirl in my head: +I kept tracing the marks one after the other, and I observed that though +they all bore a general resemblance to each other, they were all to a +certain extent different. The smallest portion possible of curious +interest had been awakened within me, and, at last, I asked myself, +within my own mind, 'What motive could induce people to put such odd +marks on their crockery? they were not pictures, they were not letters; +what motive could people have for putting them there?' At last I removed +my eyes from the teapot, and thought for a few moments about the marks; +presently, however, I felt the whirl returning; the marks became almost +effaced from my mind, and I was beginning to revert to my miserable +ruminations, when suddenly methought I heard a voice say, 'The marks! the +marks! cling to the marks! or . . .' So I fixed my eyes again upon the +marks, inspecting them more attentively, if possible, than I had done +before, and, at last, I came to the conclusion that they were not +capricious or fanciful marks, but were arranged systematically; when I +had gazed at them for a considerable time I turned the teapot round, and +on the other side I observed marks of a similar kind, which I soon +discovered were identical with the ones I had been observing. All the +marks were something alike, but all somewhat different, and on comparing +them with each other, I was struck with the frequent occurrence of a mark +crossing an upright line, or projecting from it, now on the right, now on +the left side; and I said to myself, 'Why does this mark sometimes cross +the upright line, and sometimes project?' and the more I thought on the +matter, the less did I feel of the misery in my head. + +"The things were at length removed, and I sat, as I had for some time +past been wont to sit after my meals, silent and motionless; but in the +present instance my mind was not entirely abandoned to the one mournful +idea which had so long distressed it. It was, to a certain extent, +occupied with the marks on the teapot; it is true that the mournful idea +strove hard with the marks on the teapot for the mastery in my mind, and +at last the painful idea drove the marks of the teapot out; they, +however, would occasionally return and flit across my mind for a moment +or two, and their coming was like a momentary relief from intense pain. I +thought once or twice that I would have the teapot placed before me that +I might examine the marks at leisure, but I considered that it would be +as well to defer the re-examination of the marks till the next morning; +at that time I did not take tea of an evening. By deferring the +examination thus, I had something to look forward to on the next morning. +The day was a melancholy one, but it certainly was more tolerable to me +than any of the others had been since the death of my beloved. As I lay +awake that night I occasionally thought of the marks, and in my sleep +methought I saw them upon the teapot vividly before me. On the morrow, I +examined the marks again; how singular they looked! Surely they must +mean something, and if so, what could they mean? and at last I thought +within myself whether it would be possible for me to make out what they +meant: that day I felt more relief than on the preceding one, and towards +night I walked a little about. + +"In about a week's time I received a visit from my friend the surgeon; +after a little discourse, he told me that he perceived I was better than +when he had last seen me, and asked me what I had been about; I told him +that I had been principally occupied in considering certain marks which I +had found on a teapot, and wondering what they could mean; he smiled at +first, but instantly assuming a serious look, he asked to see the teapot. +I produced it, and after having surveyed the marks with attention, he +observed that they were highly curious, and also wondered what they +meant. 'I strongly advise you,' said he, 'to attempt to make them out, +and also to take moderate exercise, and to see after your concerns.' I +followed his advice; every morning I studied the marks on the teapot, and +in the course of the day took moderate exercise, and attended to little +domestic matters as became the master of a house. + +"I subsequently learned that the surgeon, in advising me to study the +marks and endeavour to make out their meaning, merely hoped that by means +of them my mind might by degrees be diverted from the mournful idea on +which it had so long brooded. He was a man well skilled in his +profession, but had read and thought very little on matters unconnected +with it. He had no idea that the marks had any particular signification, +or were anything else but common and fortuitous one. That I became at +all acquainted with their nature was owing to a ludicrous circumstance +which I will now relate. + +"One day, chancing to be at a neighbouring town, I was struck with the +appearance of a shop recently established. It had an immense bow-window, +and every part of it to which a brush could be applied was painted in a +gaudy flaming style. Large bowls of green and black tea were placed upon +certain chests, which stood at the window. I stopped to look at them, +such a display, whatever it may be at the present time, being, at the +period of which I am speaking, quite uncommon in a country town. The +tea, whether black or green, was very shining and inviting, and the +bowls, of which there were three, standing on as many chests, were very +grand and foreign-looking. Two of these were white, with figures and +trees painted upon them in blue; the other, which was the middlemost, had +neither trees nor figures upon it, but, as I looked through the window, +appeared to have on its sides the very same kind of marks which I had +observed on the teapot at home; there were also marks on the tea-chests, +somewhat similar, but much larger, and, apparently, not executed with so +much care. 'Best teas direct from China,' said a voice close to my side; +and looking round I saw a youngish man with a frizzled head, flat face, +and an immensely wide mouth, standing in his shirt-sleeves by the door. +'Direct from China,' said he; 'perhaps you will do me the favour to walk +in and scent them?' 'I do not want any tea,' said I; 'I was only +standing at the window examining those marks on the bowl and the chests. +I have observed similar ones on a teapot at home.' 'Pray walk in, sir,' +said the young fellow, extending his mouth till it reached nearly from +ear to ear; 'pray walk in, and I shall be happy to give you any +information respecting the manners and customs of the Chinese in my +power.' Thereupon I followed him into his shop, where he began to +harangue on the manners, customs, and peculiarities of the Chinese, +especially their manner of preparing tea, not forgetting to tell me that +the only genuine Chinese tea ever imported into England was to be found +in his shop. 'With respect to those marks,' said he, 'on the bowl and +the chests, they are nothing more nor less than Chinese writing +expressing something, though what I can't exactly tell you. Allow me to +sell you this pound of tea,' he added, showing me a paper parcel. 'On +the envelope there is a printed account of the Chinese system of writing, +extracted from authors of the most established reputation. These things +I print, principally with the hope of, in some degree, removing the worse +than Gothic ignorance prevalent amongst the natives of these parts. I am +from London myself. With respect to all that relates to the Chinese real +imperial tea, I assure you, sir that . . . ' Well to make short of what +you doubtless consider a very tiresome story, I purchased the tea and +carried it home. The tea proved imperially bad, but the paper envelope +really contained some information on the Chinese language and writing, +amounting to about as much as you gained from me the other day. On +learning that the marks on the teapot expressed words, I felt my interest +with respect to them considerably increased, and returned to the task of +inspecting them with greater zeal than before, hoping, by continually +looking at them, to be able eventually to understand their meaning, in +which hope you may easily believe I was disappointed, though my desire to +understand what they represented continued on the increase. In this +dilemma I determined to apply again to the shopkeeper from whom I bought +the tea. I found him in rather low spirits, his shirt-sleeves were +soiled, and his hair was out of curl. On my inquiring how he got on, he +informed me that he intended speedily to leave, having received little or +no encouragement, the people, in their Gothic ignorance, preferring to +deal with an old-fashioned shopkeeper over the way, who, so far from +possessing any acquaintance with the polity and institutions of the +Chinese, did not, he firmly believed, know that tea came from China. 'You +are come for some more, I suppose?' said he. On receiving an answer in +the negative he looked somewhat blank, but when I added that I came to +consult with him as to the means which I must take in order to acquire +the Chinese language he brightened up. 'You must get a grammar,' said +he, rubbing his hands. 'Have you not one?' said I. 'No,' he replied, +'but any bookseller can procure you one.' As I was taking my departure, +he told me that as he was about to leave the neighbourhood, the bowl at +the window, which bore the inscription, besides some other pieces of +porcelain of a similar description, were at my service provided I chose +to purchase them. I consented, and two or three days afterwards took +from off his hands all the china in his possession which bore +inscriptions, paying what he demanded. Had I waited till the sale of his +effects, which occurred within a few weeks, I could probably have +procured it for a fifth part of the sum which I paid, the other pieces +realising very little. I did not, however, grudge the poor fellow what +he got from me, as I considered myself to be somewhat in his debt for the +information he had afforded me. + +"As for the rest of my story, it may be briefly told. I followed the +advice of the shopkeeper, and applied to a bookseller, who wrote to his +correspondent in London. After a long interval, I was informed that if I +wished to learn Chinese, I must do so through the medium of French; there +being neither Chinese grammar nor dictionary in our language. I was at +first very much disheartened. I determined, however, at last to gratify +my desire of learning Chinese, even at the expense of learning French. I +procured the books, and in order to qualify myself to turn them to +account, took lessons in French from a little Swiss, the usher of a +neighbouring boarding-school. I was very stupid in acquiring French; +perseverance, however, enabled me to acquire a knowledge sufficient for +the object I had in view. In about two years I began to study Chinese by +myself, through the medium of the French." + +"Well," said I, "and how did you get on with the study of Chinese?" + +And then the old man proceeded to inform me how he got on with the study +of Chinese, enumerating all the difficulties he had had to encounter; +dilating upon his frequent despondency of mind, and occasionally his +utter despair of ever mastering Chinese. He told me that more than once +he had determined upon giving up the study, but then the misery in his +head forthwith returned, to escape from which he had as often resumed it. +It appeared, however, that ten years elapsed before he was able to use +ten of the two hundred and fourteen keys which serve to undo the locks of +Chinese writing. + +"And are you able at present to use the entire number?" I demanded. + +"Yes," said the old man; "I can at present use the whole number. I know +the key for every particular lock, though I frequently find the wards +unwilling to give way." + +"Has nothing particular occurred to you," said I, "during the time that +you have been prosecuting your studies?" + +"During the whole time in which I have been engaged in these studies," +said the old man, "only one circumstance has occurred which requires any +particular mention--the death of my old friend the surgeon--who was +carried off suddenly by a fit of apoplexy. His death was a great shock +to me, and for a time interrupted my studies. His son, however, who +succeeded him, was very kind to me, and, in some degree, supplied his +father's place; and I gradually returned to my Chinese locks and keys." + +"And in applying keys to the Chinese locks you employ your time?" + +"Yes," said the old man, "in making out the inscriptions on the various +pieces of porcelain, which I have at different times procured, I pass my +time. The first inscription which I translated was that on the teapot of +my beloved." + +"And how many other pieces of porcelain may you have at present in your +possession?" + +"About fifteen hundred." + +"And how did you obtain them?" I demanded. + +"Without much labour," said the old man, "in the neighbouring towns and +villages--chiefly at auctions--of which, about twenty years ago, there +were many in these parts." + +"And may I ask your reasons for confining your studies entirely to the +crockery literature of China, when you have all the rest at your +disposal?" + +"The inscriptions enable me to pass my time," said the old man; "what +more would the whole literature of China do?" + +"And from those inscriptions," said I, "what a book it is in your power +to make, whenever so disposed. 'Translations from the crockery +literature of China.' Such a book would be sure to take; even glorious +John himself would not disdain to publish it." + +The old man smiled. "I have no desire for literary distinction," said +he; "no ambition. My original wish was to pass my life in easy, quiet +obscurity, with her whom I loved. I was disappointed in my wish; she was +removed, who constituted my only felicity in this life; desolation came +to my heart, and misery to my head. To escape from the latter I had +recourse to Chinese. By degrees the misery left my head, but the +desolation of heart yet remains." + +"Be of good cheer," said I; "through the instrumentality of this +affliction you have learnt Chinese, and, in so doing, learnt to practise +the duties of hospitality. Who but a man who could read Runes on a +teapot, would have received an unfortunate wayfarer as you have received +me?" + +"Well," said the old man, "let us hope that all is for the best. I am by +nature indolent, and, but for this affliction, should perhaps have hardly +taken the trouble to do my duty to my fellow-creatures. I am very, very +indolent," said he, slightly glancing towards the clock; "therefore let +us hope that all is for the best; but, oh! these trials, they are very +hard to bear." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXV. + + +THE LEAVE-TAKING--SPIRIT OF THE HEARTH--WHAT'S O'CLOCK. + +The next morning, having breakfasted with my old friend, I went into the +stable to make the necessary preparations for my departure; there, with +the assistance of a stable lad, I cleaned and caparisoned my horse, and +then, returning into the house, I made the old female attendant such a +present as I deemed would be of some compensation for the trouble I had +caused. Hearing that the old gentleman was in his study, I repaired to +him. "I am come to take leave of you," said I, "and to thank you for all +the hospitality which I have received at your hands." The eyes of the +old man were fixed steadfastly on the inscription which I had found him +studying on a former occasion. "At length," he murmured to himself, "I +have it--I think I have it;" and then, looking at me, he said, "So you +are about to depart?" + +"Yes," said I, "my horse will be at the front door in a few minutes; I am +glad, however, before I go, to find that you have mastered the +inscription." + +"Yes," said the old man, "I believe I have mastered it; it seems to +consist of some verses relating to the worship of the Spirit of the +Hearth." + +"What is the Spirit of the Hearth?" said I. + +"One of the many demons which the Chinese worship," said the old man; +"they do not worship one God, but many." And then the old man told me a +great many highly-interesting particulars respecting the demon worship of +the Chinese. + +After the lapse of at least half-an-hour I said, "I must not linger here +any longer, however willing. Horncastle is distant, and I wish to be +there to-night. Pray can you inform me what's o'clock?" + +The old man, rising, looked towards the clock which hung on the side of +the room at his left hand, on the farther side of the table at which he +was seated. + +"I am rather short-sighted," said I, "and cannot distinguish the numbers +at that distance." + +"It is ten o'clock," said the old man; "I believe somewhat past." + +"A quarter, perhaps?" + +"Yes," said the old man, "a quarter, or--" + +"Or?" + +"Seven minutes, or ten minutes past ten." + +"I do not understand you." + +"Why, to tell you the truth," said the old man, with a smile, "there is +one thing to the knowledge of which I could never exactly attain." + +"Do you mean to say," said I, "that you do not know what's o'clock?" + +"I can give a guess," said the old man, "to within a few minutes." + +"But you cannot tell the exact moment?" + +"No," said the old man. + +"In the name of wonder," said I, "with that thing there on the wall +continually ticking in your ear, how comes it that you do not know what's +o'clock?" + +"Why," said the old man, "I have contented myself with giving a tolerably +good guess; to do more would have been too great trouble." + +"But you have learnt Chinese," said I. + +"Yes," said the old man, "I have learnt Chinese." + +"Well," said I, "I really would counsel you to learn to know what's +o'clock as soon as possible. Consider what a sad thing it would be to go +out of the world not knowing what's o'clock. A millionth part of the +trouble required to learn Chinese would, if employed, infallibly teach +you to know what's o'clock." + +"I had a motive for learning Chinese," said the old man, "the hope of +appeasing the misery in my head. With respect to not knowing what's +o'clock, I cannot see anything particularly sad in the matter. A man may +get through the world very creditably without knowing what's o'clock. +Yet, upon the whole, it is no bad thing to know what's o'clock--you of +course, do? It would be too good a joke if two people were to be +together, one knowing Armenian and the other Chinese, and neither knowing +what's o'clock. I'll now see you off." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI. + + +ARRIVAL AT HORNCASTLE--THE INN AND OSTLERS--THE GARRET--FIGURE OF A MAN +WITH A CANDLE. + +Leaving the house of the old man who knew Chinese, but could not tell +what was o'clock, I wended my way to Horncastle, which I reached in the +evening of the same day, without having met any adventure on the way +worthy of being marked down in this very remarkable history. + +The town was a small one, seemingly ancient, and was crowded with people +and horses. I proceeded, without delay, to the inn to which my friend +the surgeon had directed me. "It is of no use coming here," said two or +three ostlers, as I entered the yard--"all full--no room whatever;" +whilst one added, in an undertone, "That 'ere a'n't a bad-looking horse." +"I want to see the master of this inn," said I, as I dismounted from the +horse. "See the master," said an ostler--the same who had paid the +negative kind of compliment to the horse--"a likely thing, truly; my +master is drinking wine with some of the grand gentry, and can't be +disturbed for the sake of the like of you." "I bring a letter to him," +said I, pulling out the surgeon's epistle. "I wish you would deliver it +to him," I added, offering a half-crown. "Oh, it's you, is it?" said the +ostler, taking the letter and the half crown; "my master will be right +glad to see you; why, you ha'n't been here for many a year; I'll carry +the note to him at once." And with these words he hurried into the +house. "That's a nice horse, young man," said another ostler, "what will +you take for it?" to which interrogation I made no answer. "If you wish +to sell him," said the ostler, coming up to me, and winking knowingly, "I +think I and my partners might offer you a summut under seventy pounds;" +to which kind of half-insinuated offer I made no reply, save by winking +in the same kind of knowing manner in which I had observed him wink. +"Rather leary!" said a third ostler. "Well, young man, perhaps you will +drink to-night with me and my partners, when we can talk the matter +over." Before I had time to answer, the landlord, a well-dressed, good- +looking man, made his appearance with the ostler; he bore the letter in +his hand. Without glancing at me he betook himself at once to consider +the horse, going round him, and observing every point with the utmost +minuteness. At last, after having gone round the horse three times, he +stopped beside me, and keeping his eyes on the horse, bent his head +towards his right shoulder. "That horse is worth some money," said he, +turning towards me suddenly, and slightly touching me on the arm with the +letter which he held in his hand; to which observation I made no reply, +save by bending my head towards the right shoulder as I had seen him do. +"The young man is going to talk to me and my partners about it to-night," +said the ostler who had expressed an opinion that he and his friends +might offer me somewhat under seventy pounds for the animal. "Pooh!" +said the landlord, "the young man knows what he is about; in the meantime +lead the horse to the reserved stall, and see well after him. My +friend," said he, taking me aside after the ostler had led the animal +away, "recommends you to me in the strongest manner, on which account +alone I take you and your horse in. I need not advise you not to be +taken in, as I should say, by your look, that you are tolerably awake; +but there are queer hands at Horncastle at this time, and those fellows +of mine, you understand me . . .; but I have a great deal to do at +present, so you must excuse me." And thereupon went into the house. + +That same evening I was engaged at least two hours in the stable, in +rubbing the horse down, and preparing him for the exhibition which I +intended he should make in the fair on the following day. The ostler, to +whom I had given the half-crown, occasionally assisted me, though he was +too much occupied by the horses of other guests to devote any length of +time to the service of mine; he more than once repeated to me his firm +conviction that himself and partners could afford to offer me summut for +the horse; and at a later hour when, in compliance with his invitation, I +took a glass of summut with himself and partners, in a little room +surrounded with corn-chests, on which we sat, both himself and partners +endeavoured to impress upon me, chiefly by means of nods and winks, their +conviction that they could afford to give me summut for the horse, +provided I were disposed to sell him; in return for which intimation, +with as many nods and winks as they had all collectively used, I +endeavoured to impress upon them my conviction that I could get summut +handsomer in the fair than they might be disposed to offer me, seeing as +how--which how I followed by a wink and a nod, which they seemed +perfectly to understand, one or two of them declaring that if the case +was so, it made a great deal of difference, and that they did not wish to +be any hindrance to me, more particularly as it was quite clear I had +been an ostler like themselves. + +It was late at night when I began to think of retiring to rest. On +inquiring if there was any place in which I could sleep, I was informed +that there was a bed at my service, provided I chose to sleep in a two- +bedded room, one of the beds of which was engaged by another gentleman. I +expressed my satisfaction at this arrangement, and was conducted by a +maid-servant up many pairs of stairs to a garret, in which were two small +beds, in one of which she gave me to understand another gentleman slept; +he had, however, not yet retired to rest; I asked who he was, but the +maid-servant could give me no information about him, save that he was a +highly respectable gentleman, and a friend of her master's. Presently, +bidding me good-night, she left me with a candle; and I, having undressed +myself and extinguished the light, went to bed. Notwithstanding the +noises which sounded from every part of the house, I was not slow in +falling asleep, being thoroughly tired. I know not how long I might have +been in bed, perhaps two hours, when I was partially awakened by a light +shining upon my face, whereupon, unclosing my eyes, I perceived the +figure of a man, with a candle in one hand, staring at my face, whilst +with the other hand he held back the curtain of the bed. As I have said +before, I was only partially awakened, my power of perception was +consequently very confused; it appeared to me, however, that the man was +dressed in a green coat; that he had curly brown or black hair, and that +there was something peculiar in his look. Just as I was beginning to +recollect myself, the curtain dropped, and I heard, or thought I heard, a +voice say, "Don't know the cove." Then there was a rustling like a +person undressing, whereupon being satisfied that it was my +fellow-lodger, I dropped asleep, but was awakened again by a kind of +heavy plunge upon the other bed, which caused it to rock and creak, when +I observed that the light had been extinguished, probably blown out, if I +might judge from a rather disagreeable smell of burnt wick which remained +in the room, and which kept me awake till I heard my companion breathing +hard, when, turning on the other side, I was again once more speedily in +the arms of slumber. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVII. + + +HORNCASTLE FAIR. + +It had been my intention to be up and doing early on the following +morning, but my slumbers proved so profound, that I did not wake until +about eight; on arising, I again found myself the sole occupant of the +apartment, my more alert companion having probably risen at a much +earlier hour. Having dressed myself, I descended, and going to the +stable, found my horse under the hands of my friend the ostler, who was +carefully rubbing him down. "There a'n't a better horse in the fair," +said he to me, "and as you are one of us, and appear to be all right, +I'll give you a piece of advice--don't take less than a hundred and fifty +for him; if you mind your hits, you may get it, for I have known two +hundred given in this fair for one no better, if so good." "Well," said +I, "thank you for your advice, which I will take, and, if successful, +will give you 'summut' handsome." "Thank you," said the ostler; "and now +let me ask whether you are up to all the ways of this here place?" "I +have never been here before," said I, "but I have a pair of tolerably +sharp eyes in my head." "That I see you have," said the ostler, "but +many a body, with as sharp a pair of eyes as yourn, has lost his horse in +this fair, for want of having been here before, therefore," said he, +"I'll give you a caution or two." Thereupon the ostler proceeded to give +me at least half-a-dozen cautions, only two of which I shall relate to +the reader:--the first, not to stop to listen to what any chance customer +might have to say; and the last--the one on which he appeared to lay most +stress--by no manner of means to permit a Yorkshireman to get up into the +saddle, "for," said he, "if you do, it is three to one he rides off with +the horse; he can't help it; trust a cat amongst cream, but never trust a +Yorkshireman on the saddle of a good horse. By-the-bye," he continued, +"that saddle of yours is not a particularly good one, no more is the +bridle. A shabby saddle and bridle have more than once spoiled the sale +of a good horse. I tell you what, as you seem a decent kind of a young +chap, I'll lend you a saddle and bridle of my master's, almost bran new; +he won't object I know, as you are a friend of his, only you must not +forget your promise to come down with summut handsome after you have sold +the animal." + +After a slight breakfast I mounted the horse, which, decked out in his +borrowed finery, really looked better by a large sum of money than on any +former occasion. Making my way out of the yard of the inn, I was +instantly in the principal street of the town, up and down which an +immense number of horses were being exhibited, some led, and others with +riders. "A wonderful small quantity of good horses in the fair this +time!" I heard a stout jockey-looking individual say, who was staring up +the street with his side towards me. "Halloo, young fellow!" said he, a +few moments after I had passed, "whose horse is that? Stop! I want to +look at him!" Though confident that he was addressing himself to me, I +took no notice, remembering the advice of the ostler, and proceeded up +the street. My horse possessed a good walking step; but walking, as the +reader knows, was not his best pace, which was the long trot, at which I +could not well exercise him in the street, on account of the crowd of men +and animals; however, as he walked along, I could easily perceive that he +attracted no slight attention amongst those who, by their jockey dress +and general appearance, I imagined to be connoisseurs; I heard various +calls to stop, to none of which I paid the slightest attention. In a few +minutes I found myself out of the town, when, turning round for the +purpose of returning, I found I had been followed by several of the +connoisseur-looking individuals, whom I had observed in the fair. "Now +would be the time for a display," thought I; and looking around me I +observed two five-barred gates, one on each side of the road, and +fronting each other. Turning my horse's head to one, I pressed my heels +to his sides, loosened the reins, and gave an encouraging cry, whereupon +the animal cleared the gate in a twinkling. Before he had advanced ten +yards in the field to which the gate opened, I had turned him round, and +again giving him cry and rein, I caused him to leap back again into the +road, and still allowing him head, I made him leap the other gate; and +forthwith turning him round, I caused him to leap once more into the +road, where he stood proudly tossing his head, as much as to say, "What +more?" "A fine horse! a capital horse!" said several of the +connoisseurs. "What do you ask for him?" "Too much for any of you to +pay," said I. "A horse like this is intended for other kind of customers +than any of you." "How do you know that?" said one; the very same person +whom I had heard complaining in the street of the paucity of good horses +in the fair. "Come, let us know what you ask for him?" "A hundred and +fifty pounds!" said I; "neither more nor less." "Do you call that a +great price?" said the man. "Why, I thought you would have asked double +that amount! You do yourself injustice, young man." "Perhaps I do," +said I, "but that's my affair; I do not choose to take more." "I wish +you would let me get into the saddle," said the man; "the horse knows +you, and therefore shows to more advantage; but I should like to see how +he would move under me, who am a stranger. Will you let me get into the +saddle, young man?" "No," said I, "I will not let you get into the +saddle." "Why not?" said the man. "Lest you should be a Yorkshireman," +said I, "and should run away with the horse." "Yorkshire?" said the man; +"I am from Suffolk; silly Suffolk--so you need not be afraid of my +running away with the horse." "Oh! if that's the case," said I, "I +should be afraid that the horse would run away with you; so I will by no +means let you mount." "Will you let me look in his mouth?" said the man. +"If you please," said I; "but I tell you, he's apt to bite." "He can +scarcely be a worse bite than his master," said the man, looking into the +horse's mouth; "he's four off. I say, young man, will you warrant this +horse?" "No," said I; "I never warrant horses; the horses that I ride +can always warrant themselves." "I wish you would let me speak a word to +you," said he. "Just come aside. It's a nice horse," said he, in a half +whisper, after I had ridden a few paces aside with him. "It's a nice +horse," said he, placing his hand upon the pommel of the saddle and +looking up in my face, "and I think I can find you a customer. If you +would take a hundred, I think my lord would purchase it, for he has sent +me about the fair to look him up a horse, by which he could hope to make +an honest penny." "Well," said I, "and could he not make an honest penny +and yet give me the price I ask?" "Why," said the go-between, "a hundred +and fifty pounds is as much as the animal is worth, or nearly so; and my +lord, do you see . . ." "I see no reason at all," said I, "why I should +sell the animal for less than he is worth, in order that his lordship may +be benefited by him; so that if his lordship wants to make an honest +penny, he must find some person who would consider the disadvantage of +selling him a horse for less than it is worth, as counterbalanced by the +honour of dealing with a lord, which I should never do; but I can't be +wasting my time here. I am going back to the . . ., where if you, or any +person, are desirous of purchasing the horse, you must come within the +next half-hour, or I shall probably not feel disposed to sell him at +all." "Another word, young man," said the jockey; but without staying to +hear what he had to say, I put the horse to his best trot, and +re-entering the town, and threading my way as well as I could through the +press, I returned to the yard of the inn, where, dismounting, I stood +still, holding the horse by the bridle. + +{Horncastle horse fair: scene by the canal. (From a photography by +Carlton & Sons, Horncastle.): p212.jpg} + +I had been standing in this manner about five minutes, when I saw the +jockey enter the yard, accompanied by another individual. They advanced +directly towards me. "Here is my lord come to look at the horse, young +man," said the jockey. My lord, as the jockey called him, was a tall +figure, of about five-and-thirty. He had on his head a hat somewhat +rusty, and on his back a surtout of blue rather the worse for wear. His +forehead, if not high, was exceedingly narrow; his eyes were brown, with +a rat-like glare in them; the nose was rather long, and the mouth very +wide; the cheekbones high, and the cheeks, as to hue and consistency, +exhibiting very much the appearance of a withered red apple; there was a +gaunt expression of hunger in the whole countenance. He had scarcely +glanced at the horse, when, drawing in his cheeks, he thrust out his lips +very much after the manner of a baboon when he sees a piece of sugar held +out towards him. "Is this horse yours?" said he, suddenly turning +towards me, with a kind of smirk. "It's my horse," said I; "are you the +person who wishes to make an honest penny by it?" "How?" said he, +drawing up his head with a very consequential look, and speaking with a +very haughty tone; "what do you mean?" We looked at each other full in +the face; after a few moments, the muscles of the mouth of him of the +hungry look began to move violently, the face was puckered into +innumerable wrinkles, and the eyes became half closed. "Well," said I, +"have you ever seen me before? I suppose you are asking yourself that +question." "Excuse me, sir," said he, dropping his lofty look, and +speaking in a very subdued and civil tone, "I have never had the honour +of seeing you before, that is"--said he, slightly glancing at me again, +and again moving the muscles of his mouth, "no, I have never seen you +before," he added, making me a bow, "I have never had that pleasure; my +business with you at present, is to inquire the lowest price you are +willing to take for this horse. My agent here informs me that you ask +one hundred and fifty pounds, which I cannot think of giving--the horse +is a showy horse, but look, my dear sir, he has a defect here, and there +in his near fore leg I observe something which looks very like a +splint--yes, upon my credit," said he, touching the animal, "he has a +splint, or something which will end in one. A hundred and fifty pounds, +sir! what could have induced you ever to ask anything like that for this +animal? I protest that, in my time, I have frequently bought a better +for . . . Who are you, sir? I am in treaty for this horse," said he to +a man who had come up whilst he was talking, and was now looking into the +horse's mouth. "Who am I?" said the man, still looking into the horse's +mouth; "who am I? his lordship asks me. Ah, I see, close on five," said +he, releasing the horse's jaws, and looking at me. This new-comer was a +thin, wiry-made individual, with wiry curling brown hair; his face was +dark, and wore an arch and somewhat roguish expression; upon one of his +eyes was a kind of speck or beam; he might be about forty, wore a green +jockey coat, and held in his hand a black riding whip, with a knob of +silver wire. As I gazed upon his countenance, it brought powerfully to +my mind the face which, by the light of the candle, I had seen staring +over me on the preceding night, when lying in bed and half asleep. Close +behind him, and seemingly in his company, stood an exceedingly tall +figure, that of a youth seemingly about one-and-twenty, dressed in a +handsome riding dress, and wearing on his head a singular hat, green in +colour, and with a very high peak. "What do you ask for this horse?" +said he of the green coat, winking at me with the eye which had a beam in +it, whilst the other shone and sparkled like Mrs. Colonel W . . .'s +Golconda diamond. "Who are you, sir, I demand once more?" said he of the +hungry look. "Who am I? why, who should I be but Jack Dale, who buys +horses for himself and other folk; I want one at present for this short +young gentleman," said he, motioning with his finger to the gigantic +youth. "Well, sir," said the other, "and what business have you to +interfere between me and any purchase I may be disposed to make?" "Well, +then," said the other, "be quick and purchase the horse, or perhaps I +may." "Do you think I am to be dictated to by a fellow of your +description?" said his lordship; "begone, or . . ." "What do you ask for +this horse?" said the other to me, very coolly. "A hundred and fifty," +said I. "I shouldn't mind giving it you," said he. "You will do no such +thing," said his lordship, speaking so fast that he almost stuttered. +"Sir," said he to me, "I must give you what you ask; Symmonds, take +possession of the animal for me," said he to the other jockey, who +attended him. "You will please to do no such thing without my consent," +said I; "I have not sold him." "I have this moment told you that I will +give you the price you demand," said his lordship; "is not that +sufficient?" "No," said I, "there is a proper manner of doing +everything--had you come forward in a manly and gentlemanly manner to +purchase the horse, I should have been happy to sell him to you, but +after all the fault you have found with him, I would not sell him to you +at any price, so send your friend to find up another." "You behave in +this manner, I suppose," said his lordship, "because this fellow has +expressed a willingness to come to your terms. I would advise you to be +cautious how you trust the animal in his hands; I think I have seen him +before, and could tell you . . ." "What can you tell of me?" said the +other, going up to him, "except that I have been a poor dicky-boy, and +that now I am a dealer in horses, and that my father was lagged; that is +all you could tell of me, and that I don't mind telling myself: but there +are two things they can't say of me, they can't say that I am either a +coward, or a screw either, except so far as one who gets his bread by +horses may be expected to be; and they can't say of me that I ever ate up +an ice which a young woman was waiting for, or that I ever backed out of +a fight. Horse!" said he, motioning with his finger tauntingly to the +other; "what do you want with a horse, except to take the bread out of +the mouth of a poor man--to-morrow is not the battle of Waterloo, so that +you don't want to back out of danger, by pretending to have hurt yourself +by falling from the creature's back, my lord of the white feather--come, +none of your fierce looks--I am not afraid of you." In fact, the other +had assumed an expression of the deadliest malice, his teeth were +clenched, his lips quivered, and were quite pale; the rat-like eyes +sparkled, and he made a half spring, _a la_ rat, towards his adversary, +who only laughed. Restraining himself, however, he suddenly turned to +his understrapper, saying, "Symmonds, will you see me thus insulted? go +and trounce this scoundrel; you can, I know." "Symmonds trounce me!" +said the other, going up to the person addressed, and drawing his hand +contemptuously over his face; "why, I beat Symmonds in this very yard in +one round three years ago; didn't I, Symmonds?" said he to the +understrapper, who held down his head, muttering in a surly tone, "I +didn't come here to fight; let every one take his own part." "That's +right, Symmonds," said the other, "especially every one from whom there +is nothing to be got. I would give you half-a-crown for all the trouble +you have had, provided I were not afraid that my Lord Plume there would +get it from you as soon as you leave the yard together. Come, take +yourselves both off; there's nothing to be made here." Indeed, his +lordship seemed to be of the same opinion, for after a further glance at +the horse, a contemptuous look at me, and a scowl at the jockey, he +turned on his heel, muttering something which sounded like fellows, and +stalked out of the yard, followed by Symmonds. + +"And now, young man," said the jockey, or whatever he was, turning to me +with an arch leer, "I suppose I may consider myself as the purchaser of +this here animal, for the use and behoof of this young gentleman," making +a sign with his head towards the tall young man by his side. "By no +means," said I; "I am utterly unacquainted with either of you, and before +parting with the horse I must be satisfied as to the respectability of +the purchaser." "Oh! as to that matter," said he, "I have plenty of +vouchers for my respectability about me;" and, thrusting his hand into +his bosom below his waistcoat, he drew out a large bundle of notes. +"These are the kind of things," said he, "which vouch best for a man's +respectability." "Not always," said I; "indeed, sometimes these kind of +things need vouchers for themselves." The man looked at me with a +peculiar look. "Do you mean to say that these notes are not sufficient +notes?" said he, "because if you do I shall take the liberty of thinking +that you are not over civil, and when I thinks a person is not over and +above civil I sometimes takes off my coat; and when my coat is off . . ." +"You sometimes knock people down," I added; "well, whether you knock me +down or not, I beg leave to tell you that I am a stranger in this fair, +and that I shall part with the horse to nobody who has no better +guarantee for his respectability than a roll of bank-notes, which may be +good or not for what I know, who am not a judge of such things." "Oh! if +you are a stranger here," said the man, "as I believe you are, never +having seen you here before except last night, when I think I saw you +above stairs by the glimmer of a candle--I say, if you are a stranger, +you are quite right to be cautious; queer things being done in this fair, +as nobody knows better than myself," he added, with a leer; "but I +suppose if the landlord of the house vouches for me and my notes, you +will have no objection to part with the horse to me?" "None whatever," +said I, "and in the meantime the horse can return to the stable." + +Thereupon I delivered the horse to my friend the ostler. The landlord of +the house, on being questioned by me as to the character and condition of +my new acquaintance, informed me that he was a respectable horse-dealer, +and an intimate friend of his, whereupon the purchase was soon brought to +a satisfactory conclusion. + + + +CHAPTER XXXVIII. + + +HIGH DUTCH. + +It was evening: and myself and the two acquaintances I had made in the +fair--namely, the jockey and the tall foreigner--sat in a large upstairs +room, which looked into a court; we had dined with several people +connected with the fair at a long table d'hote; they had now departed, +and we sat at a small side-table with wine and a candle before us; both +my companions had pipes in their mouths--the jockey a common pipe, and +the foreigner, one, the syphon of which, made of some kind of wood, was +at least six feet long, and the bowl of which, made of a white kind of +substance like porcelain, and capable of holding nearly an ounce of +tobacco, rested on the ground. The jockey frequently emptied and +replenished his glass; the foreigner sometimes raised his to his lips, +for no other purpose seemingly than to moisten them, as he never drained +his glass. As for myself, though I did not smoke, I had a glass before +me, from which I sometimes took a sip. The room, notwithstanding the +window was flung open, was in general so filled with smoke, chiefly that +which was drawn from the huge bowl of the foreigner, that my companions +and I were frequently concealed from each other's eyes. The +conversation, which related entirely to the events of the fair, was +carried on by the jockey and myself, the foreigner, who appeared to +understand the greater part of what we said, occasionally putting in a +few observations in broken English. At length the jockey, after the +other had made some ineffectual attempts to express something +intelligibly which he wished to say, observed, "Isn't it a pity that so +fine a fellow as meinheer, and so clever a fellow too, as I believe him +to be, is not a little better master of our language?" + +"Is the gentleman a German?" said I; "if so, I can interpret for him +anything he wishes to say." + +"The deuce you can!" said the jockey, taking his pipe out of his mouth, +and staring at me through the smoke. + +"Ha! you speak German," vociferated the foreigner in that language. "By +Isten, I am glad of it! I wanted to say . . ." And here he said in +German what he wished to say, and which was of no great importance, and +which I translated into English. + +"Well, if you don't put me out," said the jockey; "what language is +that--Dutch?" + +"High Dutch," said I. + +"High Dutch, and you speak High Dutch,--why, I had booked you for as +great an ignoramus as myself, who can't write--no, nor distinguish in a +book a great A from a bull's foot." + +"A person may be a very clever man," said I--"no, not a clever man, for +clever signifies clerkly, and a clever man one who is able to read and +write, and entitled to the benefit of his clergy or clerkship; but a +person may be a very acute person without being able to read or write. I +never saw a more acute countenance than your own." + +"No soft soap," said the jockey, "for I never uses any. However, thank +you for your information; I have hitherto thought myself a 'nition clever +fellow, but from henceforth shall consider myself just the contrary, and +only--what's the word?--confounded 'cute." + +"Just so," said I. + +"Well," said the jockey, "as you say you can speak High Dutch, I should +like to hear you and master six foot six fire away at each other." + +"I cannot speak German," said I, "but I can understand tolerably well +what others say in it." + +"Come, no backing out," said the jockey, "let's hear you fire away for +the glory of Old England." + +"Then you are a German?" said I, in German, to the foreigner. + +"That will do," said the jockey; "keep it up." + +"A German!" said the tall foreigner. "No, I thank God that I do not +belong to the stupid sluggish Germanic race, but to a braver, taller, and +handsomer people;" here taking the pipe out of his mouth, he stood up +proudly erect, so that his head nearly touched the ceiling of the room, +then reseating himself, and again putting the syphon to his lips, he +added, "I am a Magyar." + +"What is that?" said I. + +The foreigner looked at me for a moment, somewhat contemptuously, through +the smoke, then said, in a voice of thunder, "A Hungarian!" + +"What a voice the chap has when he pleases!" interposed the jockey; "what +is he saying?" + +"Merely that he is a Hungarian," said I; "but," I added, "the +conversation of this gentleman and myself in a language which you can't +understand must be very tedious to you, we had better give it up." + +"Keep on with it," said the jockey; "I shall go on listening very +contentedly till I fall asleep, no bad thing to do at most times." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIX. + + +THE HUNGARIAN. + +"Then you are a countryman of Tekeli, and of the queen who made the +celebrated water," said I, speaking to the Hungarian in German, which I +was able to do tolerably well, owing to my having translated the +Publisher's philosophy into that language, always provided I did not +attempt to say much at a time. + +_Hungarian_. Ah! you have heard of Tekeli, and of L'eau de la Reine +d'Hongrie. How is that? + +_Myself_. I have seen a play acted, founded on the exploits of Tekeli, +and have read Pigault Le Brun's beautiful romance, entitled "The Barons +of Felsheim," in which he is mentioned. As for the water, I have heard a +lady, the wife of a master of mine, speak of it. + +_Hungarian_. Was she handsome? + +_Myself_. Very. + +_Hungarian_. Did she possess the water? + +_Myself_. I should say not; for I have heard her express a great +curiosity about it. + +_Hungarian_. Was she growing old? + +_Myself_. Of course not; but why do you put all these questions? + +_Hungarian_. Because the water is said to make people handsome, and, +above all, to restore to the aged the beauty of their youth. Well! +Tekeli was my countryman, and I have the honour of having some of the +blood of the Tekelis in my veins; but with respect to the queen, pardon +me if I tell you that she was not a Hungarian; she was a Pole--Ersebet by +name, daughter of Wladislaus Locticus, King of Poland; she was the fourth +spouse of Caroly the Second, King of the Magyar country, who married her +in the year 1320. She was a great woman and celebrated politician, +though at present chiefly known by her water. + +_Myself_. How came she to invent it? + +_Hungarian_. If her own account may be believed, she did not invent it. +After her death, as I have read in Florentius of Buda, there was found a +statement of the manner in which she came by it, written in her own hand, +on a fly-leaf of her breviary, to the following effect:--Being afflicted +with a grievous disorder at the age of seventy-two, she received the +medicine which was called her water, from an old hermit whom she never +saw before or afterwards; it not only cured her, but restored to her all +her former beauty, so that the king of Poland fell in love with her, and +made her an offer of marriage which she refused for the glory of God, +from whose holy angel she believed she had received the water. The +receipt for making it and directions for using it were also found on the +fly-leaf. The principal component parts were burnt wine and rosemary, +passed through an alembic; a drachm of it was to be taken once a week, +"etelbenn vagy italbann," in the food or the drink, early in the morning, +and the cheeks were to be moistened with it every day. The effects, +according to the statement, were wonderful--and perhaps they were upon +the queen; but whether the water has been equally efficacious on other +people, is a point which I cannot determine. I should wish to see some +old woman who has been restored to youthful beauty by the use of L'eau de +la Reine d'Hongrie. + +_Myself_. Perhaps, if you did, the old gentlewoman would hardly be so +ingenuous as the queen. But who are the Hungarians--descendants of +Attila and his people? + +The Hungarian shook his head, and gave me to understand that he did not +believe that his nation were the descendants of Attila and his people, +though he acknowledged that they were probably of the same race. Attila +and his armies, he said, came and disappeared in a very mysterious +manner, and that nothing could be said with positiveness about them; that +the people now known as Magyars first made their appearance in Muscovy in +the year 884, under the leadership of Almus, called so from Alom, which, +in the Hungarian language, signifies a dream; his mother, before his +birth, having dreamt that the child with which she was _enceinte_ would +be the father of a long succession of kings, which, in fact, was the +case; that after beating the Russians he entered Hungary, and coming to a +place called Ungvar, from which many people believe that modern Hungary +derived its name, he captured it, and held in it a grand festival, which +lasted four days, at the end of which time he resigned the leadership of +the Magyars to his son Arpad. This Arpad and his Magyars utterly subdued +Pannonia--that is, Hungary and Transylvania, wresting the government of +it from the Sclavonian tribes who inhabited it, and settling down amongst +them as conquerors! After giving me this information, the Hungarian +exclaimed with much animation, "A goodly country that which they had +entered on, consisting of a plain surrounded by mountains, some of which +intersect it here and there, with noble rapid rivers, the grandest of +which is the mighty Donau; a country with tiny volcanoes, casting up +puffs of smoke and steam, and from which hot springs arise, good for the +sick; with many fountains, some of which are so pleasant to the taste as +to be preferred to wine; with a generous soil which, warmed by a +beautiful sun, is able to produce corn, grapes, and even the Indian weed; +in fact, one of the finest countries in the world, which even a Spaniard +would pronounce to be nearly equal to Spain. Here they +rested--meditating, however, fresh conquests. Oh, the Magyars soon +showed themselves a mighty people. Besides Hungary and Transylvania, +they subdued Bulgaria and Bosnia, and the land of Tot, now called +Sclavonia. The generals of Zoltan, the son of Arpad, led troops of +horsemen to the banks of the Rhine. One of them, at the head of a host, +besieged Constantinople. It was then that Botond engaged in combat with +a Greek of gigantic stature, who came out of the city and challenged the +two best men in the Magyar army. 'I am the feeblest of the Magyars,' +said Botond, 'but I will kill thee;' and he performed his word, having +previously given a proof of the feebleness of his arm by striking his +battle-axe through the brazen gate, making a hole so big that a child of +five years old could walk through it." + +_Myself_. Of what religion were the old Hungarians? + +_Hungarian_. They had some idea of a Supreme Being, whom they called +Isten, which word is still used by the Magyars for God; but their chief +devotion was directed to sorcerers and soothsayers, something like the +Schamans of the Siberian steppes. They were converted to Christianity +chiefly through the instrumentality of Istvan or Stephen, called after +his death St. Istvan, who ascended the throne in the year one thousand. +He was born in heathenesse, and his original name was Vojk: he was the +first kiraly, or king of the Magyars. Their former leaders had been +called fejedelmek, or dukes. The Magyar language has properly no term +either for king or house. Kiraly is a word derived from the Sclaves; +haz, or house, from the Germans, who first taught them to build houses, +their original dwellings having been tilted waggons. + +_Myself_. Many thanks for your account of the great men of your country. + +_Hungarian_. The great men of my country! I have only told you of the +. . . Well, I acknowledge that Almus and Arpad were great men, but Hungary +has produced many greater; I will not trouble you by recapitulating all, +but there is one name I cannot forbear mentioning--but you have heard of +it--even at Horncastle the name of Hunyadi must be familiar. + +_Myself_. It may be so, though I rather doubt it; but, however that may +be, I confess my ignorance. I have never, until this moment, heard of +the name of Hunyadi. + +_Hungarian_. Not of Hunyadi Janos, not of Hunyadi John--for the genius +of our language compels us to put a man's Christian name after his other; +perhaps you have heard of the name of Corvinus? + +_Myself_. Yes, I have heard of the name of Corvinus. + +_Hungarian_. By my God, I am glad of it; I thought our hammer of +destruction, our thunderbolt, whom the Greeks called Achilles, must be +known to the people of Horncastle. Well, Hunyadi and Corvinus are the +same. + +_Myself_. Corvinus means the man of the crow, or raven. I suppose that +your John, when a boy, climbed up to a crow or raven's nest, and stole +the young; a bold feat, well befitting a young hero. + +_Hungarian_. By Isten, you are an acute guesser; a robbery there was, +but it was not Hunyadi who robbed the raven, but the raven who robbed +Hunyadi. + +_Myself_. How was that? + +_Hungarian_. In this manner: Hunyadi, according to tradition, was the +son of King Sigmond, by a peasant's daughter. The king saw and fell in +love with her, whilst marching against the vaivode of Wallachia. He had +some difficulty in persuading her to consent to his wishes, and she only +yielded at last on the king making her a solemn promise that, in the +event of her becoming with child by him, he would handsomely provide for +her and the infant. The king proceeded on his expedition; and on his +returning in triumph from Wallachia, again saw the girl, who informed him +that she was _enceinte_ by him; the king was delighted with the +intelligence, gave the girl money, and at the same time a ring, +requesting her, if she brought forth a son, to bring the ring to Buda +with the child, and present it to him. When her time was up, the +peasant's daughter brought forth a fair son, who was baptised by the name +of John. After some time the young woman communicated the whole affair +to her elder brother, whose name was Gaspar, and begged him to convey her +and the child to the king at Buda. The brother consented, and both set +out, taking the child with them. On their way, the woman, wanting to +wash her clothes, laid the child down, giving it the king's ring to play +with. A raven, who saw the glittering ring, came flying, and plucking it +out of the child's hand, carried it up into a tree; the child suddenly +began to cry, and the mother, hearing it, left her washing, and running +to the child, forthwith missed the ring, but hearing the raven croak in +the tree she lifted up her eyes, and saw it with the ring in its beak. +The woman, in great terror, called her brother, and told him what had +happened, adding that she durst not approach the king if the raven took +away the ring. Gaspar, seizing his cross-bow and quiver, ran to the +tree, where the raven was yet with the ring, and discharged an arrow at +it, but, being in a great hurry, he missed it; with his second shot he +was more lucky, for he hit the raven in the breast, which, together with +the ring, fell to the ground. Taking up the ring, they went their way, +and shortly arrived at Buda. One day, as the king was walking after +dinner in his outer hall, the woman appeared before him with the child, +and, showing him the ring, said, "Mighty lord! behold this token! and +take pity upon me and your own son." King Sigmond took the child and +kissed it, and, after a pause, said to the mother, "You have done right +in bringing me the boy; I will take care of you, and make him a +nobleman." The king was as good as his word; he provided for the mother, +caused the boy to be instructed in knightly exercises, and made him a +present of the town of Hunyad, in Transylvania, on which account he was +afterwards called Hunyadi, and gave him, as an armorial sign, a raven +bearing a ring in his beak. + +Such, O young man of Horncastle! is the popular account of the birth of +the great captain of Hungary, as related by Florentius of Buda. There +are other accounts of his birth, which is, indeed, involved in much +mystery, and of the reason of his being called Corvinus, but as this is +the most pleasing, and is, upon the whole, founded on quite as good +evidence as the others, I have selected it for recitation. + +_Myself_. I heartily thank you, but you must tell me something more of +Hunyadi. You call him your great captain; what did he do? + +_Hungarian_. Do! what no other man of his day could have done. He broke +the power of the Turk when he was coming to overwhelm Europe. From the +blows inflicted by Hunyadi the Turk never thoroughly recovered; he has +been frequently worsted in latter times, but none but Hunyadi could have +routed the armies of Amurath and Mahomed the Second. + +_Myself_. How was it that he had an opportunity of displaying his +military genius? + +_Hungarian_. I can hardly tell you, but his valour soon made him famous; +King Albert made him Ban of Szorenyi. He became eventually vaivode of +Transylvania, and governor of Hungary. His first grand action was the +defeat of the Bashaw Isack; and though himself surprised and routed at +St. Imre, he speedily regained his prestige by defeating the Turks, with +enormous slaughter, killing their leader, Mezerbeg; and subsequently, at +the battle of the Iron Gates, he destroyed ninety thousand Turks, sent by +Amurath to avenge the late disgrace. It was then that the Greeks called +him Achilles. + +_Myself_. He was not always successful. + +_Hungarian_. Who could be always successful against the early Turk? He +was defeated in the battle in which King Vladislaus lost his life, but +his victories outnumbered his defeats three-fold. His grandest +victory--perhaps the grandest ever achieved by man--was over the terrible +Mahomed the Second; who, after the taking of Constantinople in 1453, +said, "One God in Heaven--one king on earth;" and marched to besiege +Belgrade at the head of one hundred and fifty thousand men; swearing, by +the beard of the prophet, "that he would sup within it ere two months +were elapsed." He brought with him dogs, to eat the bodies of the +Christians whom he should take or slay; so says Florentius; hear what he +also says: The Turk sat down before the town towards the end of June +1454, covering the Donau and Szava with ships; and on the 4th of July he +began to cannonade Belgrade with cannons twenty-five feet long, whose +roar could be heard at Szeged, a distance of twenty-four leagues, at +which place Hunyadi had assembled his forces. Hunyadi had been able to +raise only fifteen thousand of well-armed and disciplined men, though he +had with him vast bands of people, who called themselves Soldiers of the +Cross, but who consisted of inexperienced lads from school, peasants, and +hermits, armed with swords, slings, and clubs. Hunyadi, undismayed by +the great disparity between his forces and those of the Turk, advanced to +relieve Belgrade, and encamped at Szalankemen with his army. There he +saw at once that his first step must be to attack the flotilla; he +therefore privately informed Szilagy, his wife's brother, who at that +time defended Belgrade, that it was his intention to attack the ships of +the Turks on the 14th day of July in front, and requested his +co-operation in the rear. On the 14th came on the commencement of the +great battle of Belgrade, between Hunyadi and the Turk. Many days it +lasted. + +_Myself_. Describe it. + +_Hungarian_. I cannot. One has described it well--Florentius of Buda. I +can only repeat a few of his words:--"On the appointed day, Hunyadi, with +two hundred vessels, attacked the Turkish flotilla in front, whilst +Szilagy, with forty vessels, filled with the men of Belgrade, assailed it +in the rear; striving for the same object, they sunk many of the Turkish +vessels, captured seventy-four, burnt many, and utterly annihilated the +whole fleet. After this victory, Hunyadi, with his army, entered +Belgrade, to the great joy of the Magyars. But though the force of +Mahomed upon the water was destroyed, that upon the land remained entire; +and with this, during six days and nights, he attacked the city without +intermission, destroying its walls in many parts. His last and most +desperate assault was made on the 21st day of July. Twice did the Turks +gain possession of the outer town, and twice was it retaken with +indescribable slaughter. The next day the combat raged without ceasing +till mid-day, when the Turks were again beaten out of the town, and +pursued by the Magyars to their camp. There the combat was renewed, both +sides displaying the greatest obstinacy, until Mahomed received a great +wound over his left eye. The Turks then, turning their faces, fled, +leaving behind them three hundred cannon in the hands of the Christians, +and more than twenty-four thousand slain on the field of battle." + +_Myself_. After that battle, I suppose Hunyadi enjoyed his triumphs in +peace? + +_Hungarian_. In the deepest, for he shortly died. His great soul +quitted his body, which was exhausted by almost superhuman exertions, on +the 11th of August 1456. Shortly before he died, according to +Florentius, a comet appeared, sent, as it would seem, to announce his +coming end. The whole Christian world mourned his loss. The Pope +ordered the cardinals to perform a funeral ceremony at Rome in his +honour. His great enemy himself grieved for him, and pronounced his +finest eulogium. When Mahomed the Second heard of his death, he struck +his head for some time against the ground without speaking. Suddenly he +broke silence with these words, "Notwithstanding he was my enemy, yet do +I bewail his loss; since the sun has shone in heaven, no Prince had ever +yet such a man." + +_Myself_. What was the name of his Prince? + +_Hungarian_. Laszlo the Fifth; who, though under infinite obligations to +Hunyadi, was anything but grateful to him; for he once consented to a +plan which was laid to assassinate him, contrived by his mortal enemy +Ulrik, Count of Cilejia; and after Hunyadi's death, caused his eldest +son, Hunyadi Laszlo, to be executed on a false accusation, and imprisoned +his younger son, Matyas, who, on the death of Laszlo, was elected by the +Magyars to be their king, on the 24th of January 1458. + +_Myself_. Was this Matyas a good king? + +_Hungarian_. Was Matyas Corvinus a good king? O young man of +Horncastle! he was the best and greatest that Hungary ever possessed, +and, after his father, the most renowned warrior,--some of our best laws +were framed by him. It was he who organised the Hussar force, and it was +he who took Vienna. Why does your Government always send fools to +represent it at Vienna? + +_Myself_. I really cannot say; but with respect to the Hussar force, is +it of Hungarian origin? + +_Hungarian_. Its name shows its origin. Huz, in Hungarian, is twenty, +and the Hussar force is so called because it is formed of twentieths. A +law was issued, by which it was ordered that every Hungarian nobleman, +out of every twenty dependants, should produce a well-equipped horseman, +and with him proceed to the field of battle. + +_Myself_. Why did Matyas capture Vienna? + +_Hungarian_. Because the Emperor Frederick took part against him with +the King of Poland, who claimed the kingdom of Hungary for his son, and +had also assisted the Turk. He captured it in the year 1487, but did not +survive his triumph long, expiring there in the year 1490. He was so +veracious a man, that it was said of him, after his death, "Truth died +with Matyas." It might be added, that the glory of Hungary departed with +him. I wish to say nothing more connected with Hungarian history. + +_Myself_. Another word. Did Matyas leave a son? + +_Hungarian_. A natural son, Hunyadi John, called so after the great man. +He would have been universally acknowledged as King of Hungary but for +the illegitimacy of his birth. As it was, Ulaszlo, the son of the King +of Poland, afterwards called Ulaszlo the Second, who claimed Hungary as +being descended from Albert, was nominated king by a great majority of +the Magyar electors. Hunyadi John for some time disputed the throne with +him; there was some bloodshed, but Hunyadi John eventually submitted, and +became the faithful captain of Ulaszlo, notwithstanding that the Turk +offered to assist him with an army of two hundred thousand men. + +_Myself_. Go on. + +_Hungarian_. To what? Tche Drak, to the Mohacs Veszedelem. Ulaszlo +left a son, Lajos the Second, born without skin, as it is said, certainly +without a head. He, contrary to the advice of all his wise +counsellors--and amongst them was Batory Stephen, who became eventually +King of Poland--engaged, with twenty five thousand men, at Mohacs, +Soliman the Turk, who had an army of two hundred thousand. Drak! the +Magyars were annihilated, King Lajos disappeared with his heavy horse and +armour in a bog. We call that battle, which was fought on the 29th of +August 1526, the destruction of Mohacs, but it was the destruction of +Hungary. + +_Myself_. You have twice used the word drak; what is the meaning of it? +Is it Hungarian? + +_Hungarian_. No! it belongs to the mad Wallacks. They are a nation of +madmen on the other side of Transylvania. Their country was formerly a +fief of Hungary, like Moldavia, which is inhabited by the same race, who +speak the same language, and are equally mad. + +_Myself_. What language do they speak? + +_Hungarian_. A strange mixture of Latin and Sclavonian--they themselves +being a mixed race of Romans and Sclavonians. Trajan sent certain +legions to form military colonies in Dacia; and the present Wallacks and +Moldavians are, to a certain extent, the descendants of the Roman +soldiers, who married the women of the country. I say to a certain +extent, for the Sclavonian element, both in blood and language, seems to +prevail. + +_Myself_. And what is drak? + +_Hungarian_. Dragon; which the Wallacks use for devil. The term is +curious, as it shows that the old Romans looked upon the dragon as an +infernal being. + +_Myself_. You have been in Wallachia? + +_Hungarian_. I have, and glad I was to get out of it. I hate the mad +Wallacks. + +_Myself_. Why do you call them mad? + +_Hungarian_. They are always drinking or talking. I never saw a +Wallachian eating or silent. They talk like madmen, and drink like +madmen. In drinking they use small phials, the contents of which they +pour down their throats. When I first went amongst them I thought the +whole nation was under a course of physic, but the terrible jabber of +their tongues soon undeceived me. Drak was the first word I heard on +entering Dacia, and the last when I left it. The Moldaves, if possible, +drink more, and talk more than the Wallachians. + +_Myself_. It is singular enough that the only Moldavian I have known +could not speak. I suppose he was born dumb. + +_Hungarian_. A Moldavian born dumb! Excuse me, the thing is +impossible,--all Moldavians are born talking! I have known a Moldavian +who could not speak, but he was not born dumb. His master, an Armenian, +snipped off part of his tongue at Adrianople. He drove him mad with his +jabber. He is now in London, where his master has a house. I have +letters of credit on the house: the clerk paid me money in London, the +master was absent; the money which you received for the horse belonged to +that house. + +_Myself_. Another word with respect to Hungarian history. + +_Hungarian_. Drak! I wish to say nothing more about Hungarian history. + +_Myself_. The Turk, I suppose, after Mohacs, got possession of Hungary? + +_Hungarian_. Not exactly. The Turk, upon the whole, showed great +moderation; not so the Austrian. Ferdinand the First claimed the crown +of Hungary as being the cousin of Maria, widow of Lajos; he found too +many disposed to support him. His claim, however, was resisted by +Zapolya John, a Hungarian magnate, who caused himself to be elected king. +Hungary was for a long time devastated by the wars between the partisans +of Zapolya and Ferdinand. At last Zapolya called in the Turk. Soliman +behaved generously to him, and after his death befriended his young son, +and Isabella his queen; eventually the Turks became masters of +Transylvania and the greater part of Hungary. They were not bad masters, +and had many friends in Hungary, especially amongst those of the reformed +faith, to which I have myself the honour of belonging; those of the +reformed faith found the Mufti more tolerant than the Pope. Many +Hungarians went with the Turks to the siege of Vienna, whilst Tekeli and +his horsemen guarded Hungary for them. A gallant enterprise that siege +of Vienna; the last great effort of the Turk; it failed, and he speedily +lost Hungary, but he did not sneak from Hungary like a frightened hound. +His defence of Buda will not be soon forgotten, where Apty Basha, the +governor, died fighting like a lion in the breach. There's many a +Hungarian would prefer Stamboul to Vienna. Why does your Government +always send fools to represent it at Vienna? + +_Myself_. I have already told you that I cannot say. What became of +Tekeli? + +_Hungarian_. When Hungary was lost he retired with the Turks into +Turkey. Count Renoncourt, in his Memoirs, mentions having seen him at +Adrianople. The Sultan, in consideration of the services which he had +rendered to the Moslem in Hungary, made over the revenues of certain +towns and districts for his subsistence. The Count says that he always +went armed to the teeth, and was always attended by a young female +dressed in male attire, who had followed him in his wars, and had more +than once saved his life. His end is wrapped in mystery, I--whose +greatest boast, next to being a Hungarian, is to be of his blood--know +nothing of his end. + +_Myself_. Allow me to ask who you are? + +_Hungarian_. Egy szegeny Magyar Nemes ember, a poor Hungarian nobleman, +son of one yet poorer. I was born in Transylvania, not far to the west +of good Coloscvar. I served some time in the Austrian army as a noble +Hussar, but am now equerry to a great nobleman, to whom I am distantly +related. In his service I have travelled far and wide, buying horses. I +have been in Russia and Turkey, and am now at Horncastle, where I have +had the satisfaction to meet with you and to buy your horse, which is, in +truth, a noble brute. + +_Myself_. For a soldier and equerry you seem to know a great deal of the +history of your country. + +_Hungarian_. All I know is derived from Florentius of Buda, whom we call +Budai Ferentz. He was Professor of Greek and Latin at the Reformed +College of Debreczen, where I was educated; he wrote a work entitled +"Magyar Polgari Lexicon," Lives of Great Hungarian Citizens. He was dead +before I was born, but I found his book, when I was a child, in the +solitary home of my father, which stood on the confines of a puszta, or +wilderness, and that book I used to devour in winter nights when the +winds were whistling around the house. Oh! how my blood used to glow at +the descriptions of Magyar valour, and likewise of Turkish; for +Florentius has always done justice to the Turk. Many a passage similar +to this have I got by heart; it is connected with the battle on the plain +of Rigo, which Hunyadi lost:--"The next day, which was Friday, as the two +armies were drawn up in battle array, a Magyar hero riding forth, +galloped up and down, challenging the Turks to single combat. Then came +out to meet him the son of a renowned bashaw of Asia; rushing upon each +other, both broke their lances, but the Magyar hero and his horse rolled +over upon the ground, for the Turks had always the best horses." O young +man of Horncastle! if ever you learn Hungarian--and learn it assuredly +you will after what I have told you--read the book of Florentius of Buda, +even if you go to Hungary to get it, for you will scarcely find it +elsewhere, and even there with difficulty, for the book has been long out +of print. It describes the actions of the great men of Hungary down to +the middle of the sixteenth century, and besides being written in the +purest Hungarian, has the merit of having for its author a professor of +the Reformed College at Debreczen. + +_Myself_. I will go to Hungary rather than not read it. I am glad that +the Turk beat the Magyar. When I used to read the ballads of Spain I +always sided with the Moor against the Christian. + +_Hungarian_. It was a drawn fight after all, for the terrible horse of +the Turk presently flung his own master, whereupon the two champions +returned to their respective armies; but in the grand conflict which +ensued, the Turks beat the Magyars, pursuing them till night, and +striking them on the necks with their scymetars. The Turk is a noble +fellow; I should wish to be a Turk, were I not a Magyar. + +_Myself_. The Turk always keeps his word, I am told. + +_Hungarian_. Which the Christian very seldom does, and even the +Hungarian does not always. In 1444 Ulaszlo made, at Szeged, peace with +Amurath for ten years, which he swore with an oath to keep, but at the +instigation of the Pope Julian he broke it, and induced his great +captain, Hunyadi John, to share in the perjury. The consequence was the +battle of Varna, of the 10th of November, in which Hunyadi was routed, +and Ulaszlo slain. Did you ever hear his epitaph? it is both solemn and +edifying:-- + + "Romulidae Cannas ego Varnam clade notavi; + Discite mortales non temerare fidem: + Me nisi Pontifices jussissent rumpere foedus + Non ferret Scythicum Pannonis ora jugum." + +'"Halloo!" said the jockey, starting up from a doze in which he had been +indulging for the last hour, his head leaning upon his breast, "what is +that? That's not High Dutch; I bargained for High Dutch, and I left you +speaking what I believed to be High Dutch, as it sounded very much like +the language of horses, as I have been told High Dutch does; but as for +what you are speaking now, whatever you may call it, it sounds more like +the language of another kind of animal. I suppose you want to insult me, +because I was once a dicky-boy." + +"Nothing of the kind," said I, "the gentleman was making a quotation in +Latin." + +"Latin, was it?" said the jockey; "that alters the case. Latin is +genteel, and I have sent my eldest boy to an academy to learn it. Come, +let us hear you fire away in Latin," he continued, proceeding to re-light +his pipe, which, before going to sleep, he had laid on the table. + +"If you wish to follow the discourse in Latin," said the Hungarian, in +very bad English, "I can oblige you; I learned to speak very good Latin +in the college of Debreczen." + +"That's more," said I, "than I have done in the colleges where I have +been; in any little conversation which we may yet have, I wish you would +use German." + +"Well," said the jockey, taking a whiff, "make your conversation as short +as possible, whether in Latin or Dutch, for, to tell you the truth, I am +rather tired of merely playing listener." + +"You were saying you had been in Russia," said I; "I believe the Russians +are part of the Sclavonian race." + +_Hungarian_. Yes, part of the great Sclavonian family; one of the most +numerous races in the world. The Russians themselves are very numerous: +would that the Magyars could boast of the fifth part of their number! + +_Myself_. What is the number of the Magyars? + +_Hungarian_. Barely four millions. We came a tribe of Tartars into +Europe, and settled down amongst Sclavonians, whom we conquered, but who +never coalesced with us. The Austrian at present plays in Pannonia the +Sclavonian against us, and us against the Sclavonian; but the downfall of +the Austrian is at hand; they, like us, are not a numerous people. + +_Myself_. Who will bring about his downfall? + +_Hungarian_. The Russian. The Rysckie Tsar will lead his people forth, +all the Sclavonians will join him, he will conquer all before him. + +_Myself_. Are the Russians good soldiers? + +_Hungarian_. They are stubborn and unflinching to an astonishing degree, +and their fidelity to their Tsar is quite admirable. See how the +Russians behaved at Plescova, in Livonia, in the old time, against our +great Batory Stephen; they defended the place till it was a heap of +rubbish; and mark how they behaved after they had been made prisoners. +Stephen offered them two alternatives:--to enter into his service, in +which they would have good pay, clothing, and fair treatment; or to be +allowed to return to Russia. Without the slightest hesitation they, to a +man, chose the latter, though well aware that their beloved Tsar, the +cruel Ivan Basilowits, would put them all to death, amidst tortures the +most horrible, for not doing what was impossible--preserving the town. + +_Myself_. You speak Russian? + +_Hungarian_. A little. I was born in the vicinity of a Sclavonian +tribe; the servants of our house were Sclavonians, and I early acquired +something of their language, which differs not much from that of Russia; +when in that country I quickly understood what was said. + +_Myself_. Have the Russians any literature? + +_Hungarian_. Doubtless; but I am not acquainted with it, as I do not +read their language; but I know something of their popular tales, to +which I used to listen in their izbushkas; a principal personage in these +is a creation quite original--called Baba Yaga. + +_Myself_. Who is Baba Yaga? + +_Hungarian_. A female phantom, who is described as hurrying along the +puszta, or steppe, in a mortar, pounding with a pestle at a tremendous +rate, and leaving a long trace on the ground behind her with her tongue, +which is three yards long, and with which she seizes any men and horses +coming in her way, swallowing them down into her capacious belly. She +has several daughters, very handsome, and with plenty of money; happy the +young Mujik who catches and marries one of them, for they make excellent +wives. + +"Many thanks," said I, "for the information you have afforded me: this is +rather poor wine," I observed, as I poured out a glass--"I suppose you +have better wine in Hungary?" + +"Yes, we have better wine in Hungary. First of all there is Tokay, the +most celebrated in the world, though I confess I prefer the wine of +Eger--Tokay is too sweet." + +"Have you ever been at Tokay?" + +"I have," said the Hungarian. + +"What kind of place is Tokay?" + +"A small town situated on the Tyzza, a rapid river descending from the +north; the Tokay Mountain is just behind the town, which stands on the +right bank. The top of the mountain is called Kopacs Teto, or the bald +tip; the hill is so steep that during thunderstorms pieces of it +frequently fall down upon the roofs of the houses. It was planted with +vines by King Lajos, who ascended the throne in the year 1342. The best +wine called Tokay is, however, not made at Tokay, but at Kassau, two +leagues farther into the Carpathians, of which Tokay is a spur. If you +wish to drink the best Tokay, you must go to Vienna, to which place all +the prime is sent. For the third time I ask you, O young man of +Horncastle! why does your Government always send fools to represent it at +Vienna?" + +"And for the third time I tell you, O son of Almus! that I cannot say; +perhaps, however, to drink the sweet Tokay wine; fools, you know, always +like sweet things." + +"Good," said the Hungarian; "it must be so, and when I return to Hungary, +I will state to my countrymen your explanation of a circumstance which +has frequently caused them great perplexity. Oh! the English are a +clever people, and have a deep meaning in all they do. What a vision of +deep policy opens itself to my view: they do not send their fool to +Vienna in order to gape at processions, and to bow and scrape at a base +Papist court, but to drink at the great dinners the celebrated Tokay of +Hungary, which the Hungarians, though they do not drink it, are very +proud of, and by doing so to intimate the sympathy which the English +entertain for their fellow religionists of Hungary. Oh! the English are +a deep people." + + + + +CHAPTER XL. + + +THE HORNCASTLE WELCOME--TZERNEBOCK AND BIELEBOCK. + +The pipe of the Hungarian had, for some time past, exhibited considerable +symptoms of exhaustion, little or no ruttling having been heard in the +tube, and scarcely a particle of smoke, drawn through the syphon, having +been emitted from the lips of the tall possessor. He now rose from his +seat, and going to a corner of the room, placed his pipe against the +wall, then striding up and down the room, he cracked his fingers several +times, exclaiming, in a half-musing manner, "Oh, the deep nation, which, +in order to display its sympathy for Hungary, sends its fool to Vienna to +drink the sweet wine of Tokay!" + +The jockey, having looked for some time at the tall figure with evident +approbation, winked at me with that brilliant eye of his on which there +was no speck, saying, "Did you ever see a taller fellow?" + +"Never," said I. + +"Or a finer?" + +"That's another question," said I, "which I am not so willing to answer; +however, as I am fond of truth, and scorn to flatter, I will take the +liberty of saying that I think I have seen a finer." + +"A finer! where?" said the jockey; whilst the Hungarian, who appeared to +understand what we said, stood still, and looked full at me. + +"Amongst a strange set of people," said I, "whom if I were to name, you +would, I dare say, only laugh at me." + +"Who be they?" said the jockey. "Come, don't be ashamed; I have +occasionally kept queerish company myself." + +"The people whom we call gypsies," said I; "whom the Germans call +Zigeuner, and who call themselves Romany chals.' + +"Zigeuner!" said the Hungarian; "by Isten! I do know those people." + +"Romany chals!" said the jockey; "whew! I begin to smell a rat." + +"What do you mean by smelling a rat?" said I. + +"I'll bet a crown," said the jockey, "that you be the young chap what +certain folks call 'The Romany Rye.'" + +"Ah!" said I, "how came you to know that name?" + +"Be not you he?" said the jockey. + +"Why, I certainly have been called by that name." + +"I could have sworn it," said the jockey; then rising from his chair, he +laid his pipe on the table, took a large hand-bell which stood on a +sideboard, and going to the door, opened it, and commenced ringing in a +most tremendous manner on the staircase. The noise presently brought up +a waiter, to whom the jockey vociferated, "Go to your master, and tell +him to send immediately three bottles of champagne, of the pink kind, +mind you, which is twelve guineas a dozen." The waiter hurried away, and +the jockey resumed his seat and his pipe. I sat in silent astonishment +till the waiter returned with a basket containing the wine, which, with +three long glasses, he placed on the table. The jockey then got up, and +going to a large bow-window at the end of the room, which looked into a +courtyard, peeped out; then saying, "The coast is clear," he shut down +the principal sash, which was open for the sake of the air, and taking up +a bottle of the champagne, he placed another in the hands of the +Hungarian, to whom he said something in private. The latter, who seemed +to understand him, answered by a nod. The two then going to the end of +the table fronting the window, and about eight paces from it, stood +before it holding the bottles by their necks; suddenly the jockey lifted +up his arm. "Surely," said I, "you are not mad enough to fling that +bottle through the window?" "Here's to the Romany Rye; here's to the +sweet master," said the jockey, dashing the bottle through a pane in so +neat a manner that scarcely a particle of glass fell into the room. + +"Eljen edes csigany ur--eljen gul eray!" said the Hungarian, swinging +round his bottle and discharging it at the window; but, either not +possessing the jockey's accuracy of aim, or reckless of consequences, he +flung his bottle so that it struck against part of the wooden setting of +the panes, breaking along with the wood and itself three or four panes to +pieces. The crash was horrid, and wine and particles of glass flew back +into the room, to the no small danger of its inmates. "What do you think +of that?" said the jockey; "were you ever so honoured before?" +"Honoured!" said I. "God preserve me in future from such honour;" and I +put my finger to my cheek, which was slightly hurt by a particle of the +glass. "That's the way we of the cofrady honour great men at +Horncastle," said the jockey. "What, you are hurt! never mind; all the +better; your scratch shows that you are the body the compliment was paid +to." "And what are you going to do with the other bottle?" said I. "Do +with it!" said the jockey, "why, drink it, cosily and comfortably, whilst +holding a little quiet talk. The Romany Rye at Horncastle, what an +idea!" + +"And what will the master of the house say to all this damage which you +have caused him?" + +"What will your master say, William?" said the jockey to the waiter, who +had witnessed the singular scene just described without exhibiting the +slightest mark of surprise. William smiled, and slightly shrugging his +shoulders, replied, "Very little, I dare say, sir; this a'n't the first +time your honour has done a thing of this kind." "Nor will it be the +first time that I shall have paid for it," said the jockey; "well, I +shall have never paid for a certain item in the bill with more pleasure +than I shall pay for it now. Come, William, draw the cork, and let us +taste the pink champagne." + +The waiter drew the cork, and filled the glasses with a pinky liquor, +which bubbled, hissed, and foamed. "How do you like it?" said the +jockey, after I had imitated the example of my companions by despatching +my portion at a draught. + +"It is wonderful wine," said I; "I have never tasted champagne before, +though I have frequently heard it praised; it more than answers my +expectations; but, I confess, I should not wish to be obliged to drink it +every day." + +"Nor I," said the jockey; "for everyday drinking give me a glass of old +port, or . . ." + +"Of hard old ale," I interposed, "which, according to my mind, is better +than all the wine in the world." + +"Well said, Romany Rye," said the jockey, "just my own opinion; now, +William, make yourself scarce." + +The waiter withdrew, and I said to the jockey, "How did you become +acquainted with the Romany chals?" + +"I first became acquainted with them," said the jockey, "when I lived +with old Fulcher the basket-maker, who took me up when I was adrift upon +the world; I do not mean the present Fulcher, who is likewise called old +Fulcher, but his father, who has been dead this many a year; while living +with him in the caravan, I frequently met them in the green lanes, and of +latter years I have had occasional dealings with them in the horse line." + +"And the gypsies have mentioned me to you?" said I. + +"Frequently," said the jockey, "and not only those of these parts; why, +there's scarcely a part of England in which I have not heard the name of +the Romany Rye mentioned by these people. The power you have over them +is wonderful; that is, I should have thought it wonderful, had they not +more than once told me the cause." + +"And what is the cause?" said I, "for I am sure I do not know." + +"The cause is this," said the jockey, "they never heard a bad word +proceed from your mouth, and never knew you do a bad thing." + +"They are a singular people," said I. + +"And what a singular language they have got," said the jockey. + +"Do you know it?" said I. + +"Only a few words," said the jockey; "they were always chary in teaching +me any." + +"They were vary sherry to me too," said the Hungarian, speaking in broken +English; "I only could learn from them half-a-dozen words, for example, +gul eray, which, in the czigany of my country, means sweet gentleman; or +edes ur in my own Magyar." + +"Gudlo Rye, in the Romany of mine, means a sugar'd gentleman," said I; +"then there are gypsies in your country?" + +"Plenty," said the Hungarian, speaking German, "and in Russia and Turkey +too; and wherever they are found, they are alike in their ways and +language. Oh, they are a strange race, and how little known. I know +little of them, but enough to say that one horse-load of nonsense has +been written about them; there is one Valter Scott . . ." + +"Mind what you say about him," said I; "he is our grand authority in +matters of philology and history." + +"A pretty philologist," said the Hungarian, "who makes the gypsies speak +Roth-Welsch, the dialect of thieves; a pretty historian, who couples +together Thor and Tzernebock." + +"Where does he do that?" said I. + +"In his conceited romance of Ivanhoe, he couples Thor and Tzernebock +together, and calls them gods of the heathen Saxons." + +"Well," said I, "Thur or Thor was certainly a god of the heathen Saxons." + +"True," said the Hungarian; "but why couple him with Tzernebock? +Tzernebock was a word which your Valter had picked up somewhere without +knowing the meaning. Tzernebock was no god of the Saxons, but one of the +gods of the Sclaves, on the southern side of the Baltic. The Sclaves had +two grand gods to whom they sacrificed, Tzernebock and Bielebock: that +is, the black and white gods, who represented the powers of dark and +light. They were overturned by Waldemar the Dane, the great enemy of the +Sclaves; the account of whose wars you will find in one fine old book, +written by Saxo Gramaticus, which I read in the library of the college of +Debreczen. The Sclaves at one time were masters of all the southern +shore of the Baltic, where their descendants are still to be found, +though they have lost their language, and call themselves Germans; but +the word Zernevitz, near Dantzic, still attests that the Sclavic language +was once common in those parts. Zernevitz means the thing of blackness, +as Tzernebock means the god of blackness. Prussia itself merely means, +in Sclavish, Lower Russia. There is scarcely a race or language in the +world more extended than the Sclavic. On the other side of the Donau you +will find the Sclaves and their language. Czernavoda is Sclavic, and +means black water; in Turkish, kara su; even as Tzernebock means black +god; and Belgrade, or Belograd, means the white town; even as Bielebock, +or Bielebog, means the white god. Oh! he is one great ignorant, that +Valter. He is going, they say, to write one history about Napoleon. I +do hope that in his history he will couple his Thor and Tzernebock +together. By my God! it would be good diversion that." + +"Walter Scott appears to be no particular favourite of yours," said I. + +"He is not," said the Hungarian; "I hate him for his slavish principles. +He wishes to see absolute power restored in this country, and Popery +also; and I hate him because . . . what do you think? In one of his +novels, published a few months ago, he has the insolence to insult +Hungary in the person of one of her sons. He makes his great braggart, +Coeur de Lion, fling a Magyar over his head. Ha! it was well for Richard +that he never felt the gripe of a Hungarian. I wish the braggart could +have felt the gripe of me, who am 'a' Magyarok kozt legkissebb,' the +least among the Magyars. I do hate that Scott, and all his vile gang of +Lowlanders and Highlanders. The black corps, the fekete regiment of +Matyjas Hunyadi, was worth all the Scots, high or low, that ever +pretended to be soldiers; and would have sent them all headlong into the +Black Sea, had they dared to confront it on its shores; but why be angry +with an ignorant, who couples together Thor and Tzernebock? Ha! ha!" + +"You have read his novels?" said I. + +"Yes, I read them now and then. I do not speak much English, but I can +read it well, and I have read some of his romances, and mean to read his +Napoleon, in the hope of finding Thor and Tzernebock coupled together in +it, as in his high-flying Ivanhoe." + +"Come," said the jockey, "no more Dutch, whether high or low. I am tired +of it; unless we can have some English, I am off to bed." + +"I should be very glad to hear some English," said I; "especially from +your mouth. Several things which you have mentioned have awakened my +curiosity. Suppose you give us your history?" + +"My history?" said the jockey. "A rum idea! however, lest conversation +should lag, I'll give it you. First of all, however, a glass of +champagne to each." + +After we had each taken a glass of champagne, the jockey commenced his +history. + + + + +CHAPTER XLI. + + +THE JOCKEY'S TALE--THIEVES' LATIN--LIBERTIES WITH COIN--THE SMASHER IN +PRISON--OLD FULCHER--EVERY ONE HAS HIS GIFT--FASHION OF THE ENGLISH. + +"My grandfather was a shorter, and my father was a smasher; the one was +scragg'd, and the other lagg'd." + +I here interrupted the jockey by observing that his discourse was, for +the greater part, unintelligible to me. + +"I do not understand much English," said the Hungarian, who, having +replenished and resumed his mighty pipe, was now smoking away; "but, by +Isten, I believe it is the gibberish which that great ignorant Valter +Scott puts into the mouth of the folks he calls gypsies." + +"Something like it, I confess," said I, "though this sounds more genuine +than his dialect, which he picked up out of the canting vocabulary at the +end of the 'English Rogue,' a book which, however despised, was written +by a remarkable genius. What do you call the speech you were using?" +said I, addressing myself to the jockey. + +"Latin," said the jockey, very coolly; "that is, that dialect of it which +is used by the light-fingered gentry." + +"He is right," said the Hungarian; "it is what the Germans call +Roth-Welsch: they call it so because there are a great many Latin words +in it, introduced by the priests, who, at the time of the Reformation, +being too lazy to work, and too stupid to preach, joined the bands of +thieves and robbers who prowled about the country. Italy, as you are +aware, is called by the Germans Welschland, or the land of the Welschers; +and I may add that Wallachia derives its name from a colony of Welschers +which Trajan sent there. Welsch and Wallack being one and the same word, +and tantamount to Latin." + +"I dare say you are right," said I; "but why was Italy termed +Welschland?" + +"I do not know," said the Hungarian. + +"Then I think I can tell you," said I; "it was called so because the +original inhabitants were a Cimbric tribe, who were called Gwyltiad, that +is, a race of wild people, living in coverts, who were of the same blood, +and spoke the same language as the present inhabitants of Wales. Welsh +seems merely a modification of Gwyltiad. Pray continue your history," +said I to the jockey, "only please to do so in a language which we can +understand, and first of all interpret the sentence with which you began +it." + +"I told you that my grandfather was a shorter," said the jockey, "by +which is meant a gentleman who shortens or reduces the current coin of +these realms, for which practice he was scragg'd, that is, hung by the +scrag of the neck. And when I said that my father was a smasher, I meant +one who passes forged notes, thereby doing his best to smash the Bank of +England; by being lagg'd, I meant he was laid fast, that is, had a chain +put round his leg and then transported." + +"Your explanations are perfectly satisfactory," said I; "the three first +words are metaphorical, and the fourth, lagg'd, is the old genuine Norse +term, lagda, which signifies laid, whether in durance, or in bed, has +nothing to do with the matter. What you have told me confirms me in an +opinion which I have long entertained, that thieves' Latin is a strange, +mysterious speech, formed of metaphorical terms, and words derived from +various ancient languages. Pray tell me, now, how the gentleman, your +grandfather, contrived to shorten the coin of these realms?" + +"You shall hear," said the jockey; "but I have one thing to beg of you, +which is, that when I have once begun my history you will not interrupt +me with questions; I don't like them, they stops one, and puts one out of +one's tale, and are not wanted; for anything which I think can't be +understood, I should myself explain, without being asked. My grandfather +reduced or shortened the coin of this country by three processes. By +aquafortis, by clipping, and by filing. Filing and clipping he employed +in reducing all kinds of coin, whether gold or silver; but aquafortis he +used merely in reducing gold coin, whether guineas, jacobuses, or +Portugal pieces, otherwise called moidores, which were at one time as +current as guineas. By laying a guinea in aquafortis for twelve hours he +could filch from it to the value of ninepence, and by letting it remain +there for twenty-four, to the value of eighteenpence, the aquafortis +eating the gold away, and leaving it like a sediment in the vessel. He +was generally satisfied with taking the value of ninepence from a guinea, +of eighteenpence from a jacobus or moidore, or half-a-crown from a broad +Spanish piece, whether he reduced them by aquafortis, filing, or +clipping. From a five-shilling piece, which is called a bull in Latin, +because it is round like a bull's head, he would file or clip to the +value of fivepence, and from lesser coin in proportion. He was connected +with a numerous gang, or set, of people, who had given up their minds and +talents entirely to shortening." + +Here I interrupted the jockey. "How singular," said I, "is the fall and +debasement of words! You talk of a gang, or set, of shorters: you are, +perhaps, not aware that gang and set were, a thousand years ago, only +connected with the great and Divine; they are ancient Norse words, which +may be found in the heroic poems of the north, and in the Edda, a +collection of mythologic and heroic songs. In these poems we read that +such and such a king invaded Norway with a gang of heroes; or so and so, +for example, Erik Bloodaxe was admitted to the set of gods; but at +present gang and set are merely applied to the vilest of the vile, and +the lowest of the low--we say a gang of thieves and shorters, or a set of +authors. How touching is this debasement of words in the course of time! +it puts me in mind of the decay of old houses and names. I have known a +Mortimer who was a hedger and ditcher, a Berners who was born in a +workhouse, and a descendant of the De Burghs who bore the falcon, mending +old kettles, and making horse and pony shoes in a dingle." + +"Odd enough," said the jockey; "but you were saying you knew one +Berners--man or woman? I would ask." + +"A woman," said I. + +"What might her Christian name be?" said the jockey. + +"It is not to be mentioned lightly," said I, with a sigh. + +"I shouldn't wonder if it were Isopel," said the jockey, with an arch +glance of his one brilliant eye. + +"It was Isopel," said I; "did you know Isopel Berners?" + +"Ay, and have reason to know her," said the jockey, putting his hand into +his left waistcoat-pocket, as if to feel for something, "for she gave me +what I believe few men could do--a most confounded wapping. But now, Mr. +Romany Rye, I have again to tell you that I don't like to be interrupted +when I'm speaking, and to add that if you break in upon me a third time, +you and I shall quarrel." + +"Pray proceed with your story," said I; "I will not interrupt you again." + +"Good!" said the jockey. "Where was I? Oh, with a set of people who had +given up their minds to shortening! Reducing the coin, though rather a +lucrative, was a very dangerous trade. Coin filed felt rough to the +touch; coin clipped could be easily detected by the eye; and as for coin +reduced by aquafortis, it was generally so discoloured that, unless a +great deal of pains was used to polish it, people were apt to stare at it +in a strange manner, and to say, 'What have they been doing to this here +gold?' My grandfather, as I said before, was connected with a gang of +shorters, and sometimes shortened money, and at other times passed off +what had been shortened by other gentry. + +"Passing off what had been shortened by others was his ruin; for once, in +trying to pass off a broad piece which had been laid in aquafortis for +four-and-twenty hours, and was very black, not having been properly +rectified, he was stopped and searched, and other reduced coins being +found about him, and in his lodgings, he was committed to prison, tried, +and executed. He was offered his life, provided he would betray his +comrades; but he told the big-wigs who wanted him to do so, that he would +see them farther first, and died at Tyburn, amidst the cheers of the +populace, leaving my grandmother and father, to whom he had always been a +kind husband and parent--for, setting aside the crime for which he +suffered, he was a moral man; leaving them, I say, to bewail his +irreparable loss. + +"'Tis said that misfortune never comes alone; this is, however, not +always the case. Shortly after my grandfather's misfortune, as my +grandmother and her son were living in great misery in Spitalfields, her +only relation--a brother from whom she had been estranged some years, on +account of her marriage with my grandfather, who had been in an inferior +station to herself--died, leaving all his property to her and the child. +This property consisted of a farm of about a hundred acres, with its +stock, and some money besides. My grandmother, who knew something of +business, instantly went into the country, where she farmed the property +for her own benefit and that of her son, to whom she gave an education +suitable to a person in his condition, till he was old enough to manage +the farm himself. Shortly after the young man came of age, my +grandmother died, and my father, in about a year, married the daughter of +a farmer, from whom he expected some little fortune, but who very much +deceived him, becoming a bankrupt almost immediately after the marriage +of his daughter, and himself and family going to the workhouse. + +"My mother, however, made my father an excellent wife; and if my father +in the long run did not do well, it was no fault of hers. My father was +not a bad man by nature; he was of an easy, generous temper, the most +unfortunate temper, by-the-bye, for success in this life that any person +can be possessed of, as those who have it are almost sure to be made +dupes of by the designing. But, though easy and generous, he was +anything but a fool; he had a quick and witty tongue of his own when he +chose to exert it, and woe be to those who insulted him openly, for there +was not a better boxer in the whole country round. My parents were +married several years before I came into the world, who was their first +and only child. I may be called an unfortunate creature; I was born with +this beam or scale on my left eye, which does not allow me to see with +it; and though I can see tolerably sharply with the other, indeed more +than most people can with both of theirs, it is a great misfortune not to +have two eyes like other people. Moreover, setting aside the affair of +my eye, I had a very ugly countenance; my mouth being slightly wrung +aside, and my complexion rather swarthy. In fact, I looked so queer that +the gossips and neighbours, when they first saw me, swore I was a +changeling--perhaps it would have been well if I had never been born; for +my poor father, who had been particularly anxious to have a son, no +sooner saw me than he turned away, went to the neighbouring town, and did +not return for two days. I am by no means certain that I was not the +cause of his ruin, for till I came into the world he was fond of his +home, and attended much to business, but afterwards he went frequently +into company, and did not seem to care much about his affairs: he was, +however, a kind man, and when his wife gave him advice never struck her, +nor do I ever remember that he kicked me when I came in his way, or so +much as cursed my ugly face, though it was easy to see that he didn't +over-like me. When I was six years old I was sent to the village school, +where I was soon booked for a dunce, because the master found it +impossible to teach me either to read or write. Before I had been at +school two years, however, I had beaten boys four years older than +myself, and could fling a stone with my left hand (for if I am right-eyed +I am left-handed) higher and farther than any one in the parish. +Moreover, no boy could equal me at riding, and no people ride so well or +desperately as boys. I could ride a donkey--a thing far more difficult +to ride than a horse--at full gallop over hedges and ditches, seated or +rather floating upon his hinder part,--so though anything but clever, as +this here Romany Rye would say, I was yet able to do things which few +other people could do. By the time I was ten my father's affairs had got +into a very desperate condition, for he had taken to gambling and horse- +racing, and, being unsuccessful, had sold his stock, mortgaged his +estate, and incurred very serious debts. The upshot was, that within a +little time all he had was seized, himself imprisoned, and my mother and +myself put into a cottage belonging to the parish, which, being very cold +and damp, was the cause of her catching a fever, which speedily carried +her off. I was then bound apprentice to a farmer, in whose service I +underwent much coarse treatment, cold, and hunger. + +"After lying in prison near two years, my father was liberated by an Act +for the benefit of insolvent debtors; he was then lost sight of for some +time; at last, however, he made his appearance in the neighbourhood +dressed like a gentleman, and seemingly possessed of plenty of money. He +came to see me, took me into a field, and asked me how I was getting on. +I told him I was dreadfully used, and begged him to take me away with +him; he refused, and told me to be satisfied with my condition, for that +he could do nothing for me. I had a great love for my father, and +likewise a great admiration for him on account of his character as a +boxer, the only character which boys in general regard, so I wished much +to be with him, independently of the dog's life I was leading where I +was; I therefore said if he would not take me with him, I would follow +him; he replied that I must do no such thing, for that if I did it would +be my ruin. I asked him what he meant, but he made no reply, only saying +that he would go and speak to the farmer. Then taking me with him, he +went to the farmer, and in a very civil manner said that he understood I +had not been very kindly treated by him, but he hoped that in future I +should be used better. The farmer answered in a surly tone, that I had +been only too well treated, for that I was a worthless young scoundrel; +high words ensued, and the farmer, forgetting the kind of man he had to +deal with, checked him with my grandsire's misfortune, and said he +deserved to be hanged like his father. In a moment my father knocked him +down, and on his getting up, gave him a terrible beating, then taking me +by the hand he hastened away; as we were going down a lane he said we +were now both done for: 'I don't care a straw for that, father,' said I, +'provided I be with you.' My father took me to the neighbouring town, +and going into the yard of a small inn, he ordered out a pony and light +cart which belonged to him, then paying his bill, he told me to mount +upon the seat, and getting up, drove away like lightning; we drove for at +least six hours without stopping, till we came to a cottage by the side +of a heath; we put the pony and cart into a shed, and went into the +cottage, my father unlocking the door with a key which he took out of his +pocket; there was nobody in the cottage when we arrived, but shortly +after there came a man and woman, and then some more people, and by ten +o'clock at night there were a dozen of us in the cottage. The people +were companions of my father. My father began talking to them in Latin, +but I did not understand much of the discourse, though I believe it was +about myself, as their eyes were frequently turned to me. Some +objections appeared to be made to what he said; however, all at last +seemed to be settled, and we all sat down to some food. After that all +the people got up and went away, with the exception of the woman, who +remained with my father and me. The next day my father also departed, +leaving me with the woman, telling me before he went that she would teach +me some things which it behoved me to know. I remained with her in the +cottage upwards of a week; several of those who had been there coming and +going. The woman, after making me take an oath to be faithful, told me +that the people whom I had seen were a gang who got their livelihood by +passing forged notes, and that my father was a principal man amongst +them, adding, that I must do my best to assist them. I was a poor +ignorant child at that time, and I made no objection, thinking that +whatever my father did must be right; the woman then gave me some +instructions in the smasher's dialect of the Latin language. I made +great progress, because, for the first time in my life, I paid great +attention to my lessons. At last my father returned, and, after some +conversation with the woman, took me away in his cart. I shall be very +short about what happened to my father and myself during two years. My +father did his best to smash the Bank of England by passing forged notes, +and I did my best to assist him. We attended races and fairs in all +kinds of disguises; my father was a first-rate hand at a disguise, and +could appear of all ages, from twenty to fourscore; he was, however, +grabbed at last. He had said, as I have told you, that he should be my +ruin, but I was the cause of his, and all owing to the misfortune of this +here eye of mine. We came to this very place of Horncastle, where my +father purchased two horses of a young man, paying for them with three +forged notes, purporting to be Bank of Englanders, of fifty pounds each, +and got the young man to change another of the like amount; he at that +time appeared as a respectable dealer, and I as his son, as I really was. + +"As soon as we had got the horses, we conveyed them to one of the places +of call belonging to our gang, of which there were several. There they +were delivered into the hands of one of our companions, who speedily sold +them in a distant part of the country. The sum which they fetched--for +the gang kept very regular accounts--formed an important item on the next +day of sharing, of which there were twelve in the year. The young man +whom my father had paid for the horses with his smashing notes, was soon +in trouble about them, and ran some risk, as I have heard, of being +executed; but he bore a good character, told a plain story, and, above +all, had friends, and was admitted to bail; to one of his friends he +described my father and myself. This person happened to be at an inn in +Yorkshire, where my father, disguised as a Quaker, attempted to pass a +forged note. The note was shown to this individual, who pronounced it a +forgery, it being exactly similar to those for which the young man had +been in trouble, and which he had seen. My father, however, being +supposed a respectable man, because he was dressed as a Quaker--the very +reason, by the-bye, why anybody who knew aught of the Quakers would have +suspected him to be a rogue--would have been let go, had I not made my +appearance, dressed as his footboy. The friend of the young man looked +at my eye, and seized hold of my father, who made a desperate resistance, +I assisting him, as in duty bound. Being, however, overpowered by +numbers, he bade me by a look, and a word or two in Latin, to make myself +scarce. Though my heart was fit to break, I obeyed my father, who was +speedily committed. I followed him to the county town in which he was +lodged, where shortly after I saw him tried, convicted, and condemned. I +then, having made friends with the jailor's wife, visited him in his +cell, where I found him very much cast down. He said that my mother had +appeared to him in a dream, and talked to him about a resurrection and +Christ Jesus; there was a Bible before him, and he told me the chaplain +had just been praying with him. He reproached himself much, saying, he +was afraid he had been my ruin, by teaching me bad habits. I told him +not to say any such thing, for that I had been the cause of his, owing to +the misfortune of my eye. He begged me to give over all unlawful +pursuits, saying, that if persisted in, they were sure of bringing a +person to destruction. I advised him to try and make his escape: +proposing, that when the turnkey came to let me out, he should knock him +down, and fight his way out, offering to assist him; showing him a small +saw, with which one of our companions, who was in the neighbourhood, had +provided me, and with which he could have cut through his fetters in five +minutes; but he told me he had no wish to escape, and was quite willing +to die. I was rather hard at that time; I am not very soft now; and I +felt rather ashamed of my father's want of what I called spirit. He was +not executed after all; for the chaplain, who was connected with a great +family, stood his friend, and got his sentence commuted, as they call it, +to transportation; and in order to make the matter easy, he induced my +father to make some valuable disclosures with respect to the smashers' +system. I confess that I would have been hanged before I would have done +so, after having reaped the profit of it; that is, I think so now, seated +comfortably in my inn, with my bottle of champagne before me. He, +however, did not show himself carrion; he would not betray his +companions, who had behaved very handsomely to him, having given the son +of a lord, a great barrister, not a hundred-pound forged bill, but a +hundred hard guineas, to plead his cause, and another ten, to induce him, +after pleading, to put his hand to his breast, and say that, upon his +honour, he believed the prisoner at the bar to be an honest and injured +man. No; I am glad to be able to say that my father did not show himself +exactly carrion, though I could almost have wished he had let himself . . . +However, I am here with my bottle of champagne and the Romany Rye, and +he was in his cell, with bread and water and the prison chaplain. He +took an affectionate leave of me before he was sent away, giving me three +out of five guineas, all the money he had left. He was a kind man, but +not exactly fitted to fill my grandfather's shoes. I afterwards learned +that he died of fever as he was being carried across the sea. + +"During the 'sizes I had made acquaintance with old Fulcher. I was in +the town on my father's account, and he was there on his son's, who, +having committed a small larceny, was in trouble. Young Fulcher, +however, unlike my father, got off, though he did not give the son of a +lord a hundred guineas to speak for him, and ten more to pledge his +sacred honour for his honesty, but gave Counsellor P . . . one-and-twenty +shillings to defend him, who so frightened the principal evidence, a +plain honest farming man, that he flatly contradicted what he had first +said, and at last acknowledged himself to be all the rogues in the world, +and, amongst other things, a perjured villain. Old Fulcher, before he +left the town with his son,--and here it will be well to say that he and +his son left it in a kind of triumph, the base drummer of a militia +regiment, to whom they had given half-a-crown, beating his drum before +them--Old Fulcher, I say, asked me to go and visit him, telling me where, +at such a time, I might find him and his caravan and family; offering, if +I thought fit, to teach me basket-making: so, after my father had been +sent off, I went and found up old Fulcher, and became his apprentice in +the basket-making line. I stayed with him till the time of his death, +which happened in about three months, travelling about with him and his +family, and living in green lanes, where we saw gypsies and trampers, and +all kinds of strange characters. Old Fulcher, besides being an +industrious basket-maker was an out and out thief, as was also his son, +and indeed every member of his family. They used to make baskets during +the day, and thieve during a great part of the night. I had not been +with them twelve hours before old Fulcher told me that I must thieve as +well as the rest. I demurred at first, for I remembered the fate of my +father, and what he had told me about leaving off bad courses, but soon +allowed myself to be over-persuaded; more especially as the first robbery +I was asked to do was a fruit robbery. I was to go with young Fulcher +and steal some fine Morell cherries, which grew against a wall in a +gentleman's garden; so young Fulcher and I went and stole the cherries, +one half of which we ate, and gave the rest to the old man, who sold them +to a fruiterer ten miles off from the place where we had stolen them. The +next night old Fulcher took me out with himself. He was a great thief, +though in a small way. He used to say that they were fools who did not +always manage to keep the rope below their shoulders, by which he meant, +that it was not advisable to commit a robbery, or do anything which could +bring you to the gallows. He was all for petty larceny, and knew where +to put his hand upon any little thing in England, which it was possible +to steal. I submit it to the better judgment of the Romany Rye, who I +see is a great hand for words and names, whether he ought not to have +been called old Filcher, instead of Fulcher. I shan't give a regular +account of the larcenies which he committed during the short time I knew +him, either alone by himself, or with me and his son. I shall merely +relate the last. + +"A melancholy gentleman, who lived a very solitary life, had a large carp +in a shady pond in a meadow close to his house; he was exceedingly fond +of it, and used to feed it with his own hand, the creature being so tame +that it would put its snout out of the water to be fed when it was +whistled to; feeding and looking at his carp were the only pleasures the +poor melancholy gentleman possessed. Old Fulcher--being in the +neighbourhood, and having an order from a fishmonger for a large fish, +which was wanted at a great city dinner, at which His Majesty was to be +present--swore he would steal the carp, and asked me to go with him. I +had heard of the gentleman's fondness for his creature, and begged him to +let it be, advising him to go and steal some other fish; but old Fulcher +swore, and said he would have the carp, although its master should hang +himself; I told him he might go by himself, but he took his son and stole +the carp, which weighed seventeen pounds. Old Fulcher got thirty +shillings for the carp, which I afterwards heard was much admired and +relished by His Majesty. The master, however, of the carp, on losing his +favourite, became more melancholy than ever, and in a little time hanged +himself. 'What's sport for one, is death to another,' I once heard at +the village school read out of a copy-book. + +"This was the last larceny old Fulcher ever committed. He could keep his +neck always out of the noose, but he could not always keep his leg out of +the trap. A few nights after, having removed to a distance, he went to +an osier car in order to steal some osiers for his basket-making, for he +never bought any. I followed a little way behind. Old Fulcher had +frequently stolen osiers out of the car whilst in the neighbourhood, but +during his absence the property, of which the car was part, had been let +to a young gentleman, a great hand for preserving game. Old Fulcher had +not got far into the car before he put his foot into a man-trap. Hearing +old Fulcher shriek, I ran up, and found him in a dreadful condition. +Putting a large stick which I carried into the jaws of the trap, I +contrived to prize them open, and get old Fulcher's leg out, but the leg +was broken. So I ran to the caravan and told young Fulcher of what had +happened, and he and I went and helped his father home. A doctor was +sent for, who said that it was necessary to take the leg off, but old +Fulcher, being very much afraid of pain, said it should not be taken off, +and the doctor went away; but after some days, old Fulcher becoming +worse, ordered the doctor to be sent for, who came and took off his leg, +but it was then too late, mortification had come on, and in a little time +old Fulcher died. + +"Thus perished old Fulcher: he was succeeded in his business by his son, +young Fulcher, who, immediately after the death of his father, was called +old Fulcher, it being our English custom to call everybody old as soon as +their fathers are buried; young Fulcher--I mean he who had been called +young, but was now old Fulcher--wanted me to go out and commit larcenies +with him; but I told him that I would have nothing more to do with +thieving, having seen the ill effects of it, and that I should leave them +in the morning. Old Fulcher begged me to think better of it, and his +mother joined with him. They offered, if I would stay, to give me Mary +Fulcher as a mort, till she and I were old enough to be regularly +married, she being the daughter of the one and the sister of the other. I +liked the girl very well, for she had been always civil to me, and had a +fair complexion and nice red hair, both of which I like, being a bit of a +black myself; but I refused, being determined to see something more of +the world than I could hope to do with the Fulchers, and, moreover, to +live honestly, which I could never do along with them. So the next +morning I left them: I was, as I said before, quite determined upon an +honest livelihood, and I soon found one. He is a great fool who is ever +dishonest in England. Any person who has any natural gift, and everybody +has some natural gift, is sure of finding encouragement in this noble +country of ours, provided he will but exhibit it. I had not walked more +than three miles before I came to a wonderfully high church steeple, +which stood close by the road; I looked at the steeple, and going to a +heap of smooth pebbles which lay by the roadside, I took up some, and +then went into the churchyard, and placing myself just below the tower, +my right foot resting on a ledge about two foot from the ground, I, with +my left hand--being a left-handed person, do you see--flung or chucked up +a stone, which lighting on the top of the steeple, which was at least a +hundred and fifty feet high, did there remain. After repeating this feat +two or three times, I 'hulled' up a stone, which went clean over the +tower, and then one--my right foot still on the ledge--which, rising at +least five yards above the steeple, did fall down just at my feet. +Without knowing it, I was showing off my gift to others besides myself, +doing what, perhaps, not five men in England could do. Two men, who were +passing by, stopped and looked at my proceedings, and when I had done +flinging came into the churchyard, and, after paying me a compliment on +what they had seen me do, proposed that I should join company with them; +I asked them who they were, and they told me. The one was Hopping Ned +and the other Biting Giles. Both had their gifts, by which they got +their livelihood; Ned could hop a hundred yards with any man in England, +and Giles could lift up with his teeth any dresser or kitchen table in +the country, and standing erect hold it dangling in his jaws. There's +many a big oak table and dresser, in certain districts of England, which +bear the marks of Giles's teeth; and I make no doubt that, a hundred or +two years hence, there'll be strange stories about those marks, and that +people will point them out as a proof that there were giants in bygone +time, and that many a dentist will moralise on the decays which human +teeth have undergone. + +"They wanted me to go about with them, and exhibit my gift occasionally, +as they did theirs, promising that the money that was got by the +exhibitions should be honestly divided. I consented, and we set off +together, and that evening coming to a village, and putting up at the ale- +house, all the grand folks of the village being there smoking their +pipes, we contrived to introduce the subject of hopping--the upshot being +that Ned hopped against the schoolmaster for a pound, and beat him +hollow; shortly after, Giles, for a wager, took up the kitchen table in +his jaws, though he had to pay a shilling to the landlady for the marks +he left, whose grandchildren will perhaps get money by exhibiting them. +As for myself, I did nothing that day, but the next, on which my +companions did nothing, I showed off at hulling stones against a cripple, +the crack man for stone-throwing of a small town a few miles farther on. +Bets were made to the tune of some pounds; I contrived to beat the +cripple, and just contrived; for to do him justice I must acknowledge he +was a first-rate hand at stones, though he had a game hip, and went +sideways; his head, when he walked--if his movements could be called +walking--not being above three feet above the ground. So we travelled, I +and my companions, showing off our gifts, Giles and I occasionally for a +gathering, but Ned never hopping unless against somebody for a wager. We +lived honestly and comfortably, making no little money by our natural +endowments, and were known over a great part of England as 'Hopping Ned,' +'Biting Giles,' and 'Hull over the head Jack,' which was my name, it +being the blackguard fashion of the English, do you see, to . . ." + +Here I interrupted the jockey. "You may call it a blackguard fashion," +said I, "and I dare say it is, or it would scarcely be English; but it is +an immensely ancient one, and is handed down to us from our northern +ancestry, especially the Danes, who were in the habit of giving people +surnames, or rather nicknames, from some quality of body or mind, but +generally from some disadvantageous peculiarity of feature; for there is +no denying that the English, Norse, or whatever we may please to call +them, are an envious, depreciatory set of people, who not only give their +poor comrades contemptuous surnames, but their great people also. They +didn't call you the matchless Hurler, because by doing so they would have +paid you a compliment, but Hull over the head Jack, as much as to say +that after all you were a scrub: so, in ancient time, instead of calling +Regner the great conqueror, the Nation Tamer, they surnamed him Lodbrog, +which signifies Rough or Hairy Breeks--lod or loddin signifying rough or +hairy; and instead of complimenting Halgerdr, the wife of Gunnar of +Hlitharend, the great champion of Iceland, upon her majestic presence, by +calling her Halgerdr, the stately or tall; what must they do but term her +Ha-brokr, or High-breeks, it being the fashion in old times for Northern +ladies to wear breeks, or breeches, which English ladies of the present +day never think of doing; and just, as of old, they called Halgerdr Long- +breeks, so this very day a fellow of Horncastle called, in my hearing, +our noble-looking Hungarian friend here, Long-stockings. Oh, I could +give you a hundred instances, both ancient and modern, of this unseemly +propensity of our illustrious race, though I will only trouble you with a +few more ancient ones. They not only nicknamed Regner, but his sons +also, who were all kings, and distinguished men: one, whose name was +Biorn, they nicknamed Ironsides; another, Sigurd, Snake in the Eye; +another, White Sark, or White Shirt--I wonder they did not call him Dirty +Shirt; and Ivarr, another, who was king of Northumberland, they called +Beinlausi, or the Legless, because he was spindle-shanked, had no sap in +his bones, and consequently no children. He was a great king, it is +true, and very wise, nevertheless his blackguard countrymen, always +averse, as their descendants are, to give credit to anybody for any +valuable quality or possession, must needs lay hold, do you see . . ." + +But before I could say any more, the jockey, having laid down his pipe, +rose, and having taken off his coat, advanced towards me. + + + + +CHAPTER XLII. + + +A SHORT-TEMPERED PERSON--GRAVITATION--THE BEST ENDOWMENT--MARY +FULCHER--FAIR DEALING--HORSE-WITCHERY--DARIUS AND HIS GROOM--THE JOCKEY'S +TRICKS--THE TWO CHARACTERS--THE JOCKEY'S SONG. + +The jockey, having taken off his coat and advanced towards me, as I have +stated in the preceding chapter, exclaimed, in an angry tone, "This is +the third time you have interrupted me in my tale, Mr. Rye; I passed over +the two first times with a simple warning, but you will now please to get +up and give me the satisfaction of a man." + +"I am really sorry," said I, "if I have given you offence, but you were +talking of our English habit of bestowing nicknames, and I could not +refrain from giving a few examples tending to prove what a very ancient +habit it is." + +"But you interrupted me," said the jockey, "and put me out of my tale, +which you had no right to do; and as for your examples, how do you know +that I wasn't going to give some as old or older than yourn? Now stand +up, and I'll make an example of you." + +"Well," said I, "I confess it was wrong in me to interrupt you, and I ask +your pardon." + +"That won't do," said the jockey, "asking pardon won't do." + +"Oh," said I, getting up, "if asking pardon does not satisfy you, you are +a different man from what I considered you." + +But here the Hungarian, also getting up, interposed his tall form and +pipe between us, saying in English, scarcely intelligible, "Let there be +no dispute! As for myself, I am very much obliged to the young man of +Horncastle for his interruption, though he has told me that one of his +dirty townsmen called me 'Long-stockings.' By Isten! there is more +learning in what he has just said, than in all the verdammt English +histories of Thor and Tzernebock I ever read." + +"I care nothing for his learning," said the jockey. "I consider myself +as good a man as he, for all his learning; so stand out of the way, Mr. +Sixfoot-eleven, or . . ." + +"I shall do no such thing," said the Hungarian. "I wonder you are not +ashamed of yourself. You ask young man to drink champagne with you, you +make him dronk, he interrupt you with very good sense; he ask your +pardon, yet you not . . ." + +"Well," said the jockey, "I am satisfied. I am rather a short-tempered +person, but I bear no malice. He is, as you say, drinking my wine, and +has perhaps taken a drop too much, not being used to such high liquor; +but one doesn't like to be put out of one's tale, more especially when +one was about to moralise, do you see, oneself, and to show off what +little learning one has. However, I bears no malice. Here is a hand to +each of you; we'll take another glass each, and think no more about it." + +The jockey having shaken both of our hands, and filled our glasses and +his own with what champagne remained in the bottle, put on his coat, sat +down, and resumed his pipe and story. + +"Where was I? Oh, roaming about the country with Hopping Ned and Biting +Giles. Those were happy days, and a merry and prosperous life we led. +However, nothing continues under the sun in the same state in which it +begins, and our firm was soon destined to undergo a change. We came to a +village where there was a very high church steeple, and in a little time +my comrades induced a crowd of people to go and see me display my gift by +flinging stones above the heads of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, who +stood at the four corners on the top, carved in stone. The parson, +seeing the crowd, came waddling out of his rectory to see what was going +on. After I had flung up the stones, letting them fall just where I +liked--and one, I remember, fell on the head of Mark, where I dare say it +remains to the present day--the parson, who was one of the description of +people called philosophers, held up his hand, and asked me to let the +next stone I flung up fall into it. He wished, do you see, to know with +what weight the stone would fall down, and talked something about +gravitation--a word which I could never understand to the present day, +save that it turned out a grave matter to me. I, like a silly fellow +myself, must needs consent, and, flinging the stone up to a vast height, +contrived so that it fell into the parson's hand, which it cut +dreadfully. The parson flew into a great rage, more particularly as +everybody laughed at him, and, being a magistrate, ordered his clerk, who +was likewise constable, to conduct me to prison as a rogue and a +vagabond, telling my comrades that if they did not take themselves off, +he would serve them in the same manner. So Ned hopped off, and Giles ran +after him, without making any gathering, and I was led to Bridewell, my +mittimus following at the end of a week, the parson's hand not permitting +him to write before that time. In the Bridewell I remained a month, +when, being dismissed, I went in quest of my companions, whom, after some +time, I found up, but they refused to keep my company any longer; telling +me that I was a dangerous character, likely to bring them more trouble +than profit; they had, moreover, filled up my place. Going into a +cottage to ask for a drink of water, they saw a country fellow making +faces to amuse his children; the faces were so wonderful that Hopping Ned +and Biting Giles at once proposed taking him into partnership, and the +man--who was a fellow not very fond of work--after a little entreaty, +went away with them. I saw him exhibit his gift, and couldn't blame the +others for preferring him to me; he was a proper ugly fellow at all +times, but when he made faces his countenance was like nothing human. He +was called Ugly Moses. I was so amazed at his faces, that though poor +myself I gave him sixpence, which I have never grudged to this day, for I +never saw anything like them. The firm throve wonderfully after he had +been admitted into it. He died some little time ago, keeper of a public- +house, which he had been enabled to take from the profits of his faces. A +son of his, one of the children he was making faces to when my comrades +entered his door, is at present a barrister, and a very rising one. He +has his gift--he has not, it is true, the gift of the gab, but he has +something better, he was born with a grin on his face, a quiet grin; he +would not have done to grin through a collar like his father, and would +never have been taken up by Hopping Ned and Biting Giles, but that grin +of his caused him to be noticed by a much greater person than either; an +attorney observing it took a liking to the lad, and prophesied that he +would some day be heard of in the world; and in order to give him the +first lift, took him into his office, at first to light fires and do such +kind of work, and after a little time taught him to write, then promoted +him to a desk, articled him afterwards, and being unmarried and without +children, left him what he had when he died. The young fellow, after +practising at the law some time, went to the bar, where, in a few years, +helped on by his grin, for he had nothing else to recommend him, he +became, as I said before, a rising barrister. He comes our circuit, and +I occasionally employ him, when I am obliged to go to law about such a +thing as an unsound horse. He generally brings me through--or rather +that grin of his does--and yet I don't like the fellow, confound him, but +I'm an oddity--no, the one I like, and whom I generally employ, is a +fellow quite different, a bluff sturdy dog, with no grin on his face, but +with a look which seems to say I am an honest man, and what cares I for +any one. And an honest man he is, and something more. I have known +coves with a better gift of the gab, though not many, but he always +speaks to the purpose, and understands law thoroughly; and that's not +all. When at college, for he has been at college, he carried off +everything before him as a Latiner, and was first-rate at a game they +call matthew mattocks. I don't know exactly what it is, but I have heard +that he who is first-rate at matthew mattocks is thought more of than if +he were first-rate Latiner. + +"Well, the chap that I'm talking about, not only came out first-rate +Latiner, but first-rate at matthew mattocks too; doing, in fact--as I am +told by those who knows, for I was never at college myself--what no one +had ever done before. Well, he makes his appearance at our circuit, does +very well, of course, but he has a somewhat high front, as becomes an +honest man, and one who has beat every one at Latin and matthew mattocks; +and who can speak first-rate law and sense;--but see now, the cove with +the grin, who has like myself never been at college, knows nothing of +Latin, or matthew mattocks, and has no particular gift of the gab, has +two briefs for his one, and I suppose very properly, for that grin of his +curries favour with the juries; and mark me, that grin of his will enable +him to beat the other in the long run. We all know what all barrister +coves looks forward to--a seat on the hop sack. Well, I'll bet a bull to +fivepence, that the grinner gets upon it, and the snarler doesn't; at any +rate, that he gets there first. I calls my cove--for he is my cove--a +snarler; because your first-rates at matthew mattocks are called +snarlers, and for no other reason; for the chap, though with a high +front, is a good chap, and once drank a glass of ale with me, after +buying an animal out of my stable. I have often thought it a pity that +he wasn't born with a grin on his face, like the son of Ugly _Moses_. It +is true he would scarcely then have been an out and outer at Latin and +matthew mattocks, but what need of either to a chap born with a grin? +Talk of being born with a silver spoon in one's mouth! give me a cove +born with a grin on his face--a much better endowment. + +"I will now shorten my history as much as I can, for we have talked as +much as folks do during a whole night in the Commons' House, though, of +course, not with so much learning, or so much to the purpose, +because--why? They are in the House of Commons, and we in a public room +of an inn at Horncastle. The goodness of the ale, do ye see, never +depending on what it is made of, oh, no! but on the fashion and +appearance of the jug in which it is served up. After being turned out +of the firm, I got my living in two or three honest ways, which I shall +not trouble you with describing. I did not like any of them, however, as +they did not exactly suit my humour; at last I found one which did. One +Saturday forenoon, I chanced to be in the cattle-market of a place about +eighty miles from here; there I won the favour of an old gentleman who +sold dickeys. He had a very shabby squad of animals, without soul or +spirit; nobody would buy them, till I leaped upon their hinder ends, and +by merely wriggling in a particular manner, made them caper and bound so +to people's liking, that in a few hours every one of them was sold at +very sufficient prices. The old gentleman was so pleased with my skill, +that he took me home with him, and in a very little time into +partnership. It's a good thing to have a gift, but yet better to have +two. I might have got a very decent livelihood by throwing stones, but I +much question whether I should ever have attained to the position in +society which I now occupy, but for my knowledge of animals. I lived +very comfortably with the old gentleman till he died, which he did about +a fortnight after he had laid his old lady in the ground. Having no +children, he left me what should remain after he had been buried +decently, and the remainder was six dickeys and thirty shillings in +silver. I remained in the dickey trade ten years, during which time I +saved a hundred pounds. I then embarked in the horse line. One day, +being in the . . . market on a Saturday, I saw Mary Fulcher with a halter +round her neck, led about by a man, who offered to sell her for eighteen- +pence. I took out the money forthwith and bought her; the man was her +husband, a basket-maker, with whom she had lived several years without +having any children; he was a drunken, quarrelsome fellow, and having had +a dispute with her the day before, he determined to get rid of her by +putting a halter round her neck and leading her to the cattle-market, as +if she were a mare, which he had, it seems, a right to do; all women +being considered mares by old English law, and, indeed, still called +mares in certain counties, where genuine old English is still preserved. +That same afternoon, the man who had been her husband, having got drunk +in a public-house with the money which he had received for her, +quarrelled with another man, and receiving a blow under the ear, fell +upon the floor, and died of artiflex; and in less than three weeks I was +married to Mary Fulcher, by virtue of regular bans. I am told she was +legally my property by virtue of my having bought her with a halter round +her neck; but, to tell you the truth, I think everybody should live by +his trade, and I didn't wish to act shabbily towards our parson, who is a +good fellow, and has certainly a right to his fees. A better wife than +Mary Fulcher--I mean Mary Dale--no one ever had; she has borne me several +children, and has at all times shown a willingness to oblige me, and to +be my faithful wife. Amongst other things, I begged her to have done +with her family, and I believe she has never spoken to them since. + +"I have thriven very well in business, and my name is up as being a +person who can be depended on, when folks treats me handsomely. I always +make a point when a gentleman comes to me and says, 'Mr. Dale,' or +'John'--for I have no objection to be called John by a gentleman--'I +wants a good horse, and I am ready to pay a good price'--I always makes a +point, I say, to furnish him with an animal worth the money; but when I +sees a fellow, whether he calls himself gentleman or not, wishing to +circumvent me, what does I do? I doesn't quarrel with him; not I; but, +letting him imagine he is taking me in, I contrives to sell him a screw +for thirty pounds, not worth forty shillings. All honest respectable +people have at present great confidence in me, and frequently commissions +me to buy them horses at great fairs like this. + +"This short young gentleman was recommended to me by a great landed +proprietor, to whom he bore letters of recommendation from some great +prince in his own country, who had a long time ago been entertained at +the house of the landed proprietor, and the consequence is, that I brings +young six foot six to Horncastle, and purchases for him the horse of the +Romany Rye. I don't do these kind things for nothing, it is true; that +can't be expected; for every one must live by his trade; but, as I said +before, when I am treated handsomely, I treat folks so. Honesty, I have +discovered, as perhaps some other people have, is by far the best policy; +though, as I also said before, when I'm along with thieves, I can beat +them at their own game. If I am obliged to do it, I can pass off the +veriest screw as a flying drummedary, for even when I was a child I had +found out by various means what may be done with animals. I wish now to +ask a civil question, Mr. Romany Rye. Certain folks have told me that +you are a horse witch; are you one, or are you not?" + +"I, like yourself," said I, "know, to a certain extent, what may be done +with animals." + +"Then how would you, Mr. Romany Rye, pass off the veriest screw in the +world for a flying drummedary?" + +"By putting a small live eel down his throat; as long as the eel remained +in his stomach, the horse would appear brisk and lively in a surprising +degree." + +"And how would you contrive to make a regular kicker and biter appear so +tame and gentle, that any respectable fat old gentleman of sixty, who +wanted an easy goer, would be glad to purchase him for fifty pounds?" + +"By pouring down his throat four pints of generous old ale, which would +make him so happy and comfortable, that he would not have the heart to +kick or bite anybody, for a season at least." + +"And where did you learn all this?" said the jockey. + +"I have read about the eel in an old English book, and about the making +drunk in a Spanish novel, and, singularly enough, I was told the same +things by a wild blacksmith in Ireland. Now tell me, do you bewitch +horses in this way?" + +"I?" said the jockey; "mercy upon us! I wouldn't do such things for a +hatful of money. No, no, preserve me from live eels and hocussing! And +now let me ask you how you would spirit a horse out of a field?" + +"How would I spirit a horse out of a field?" + +"Yes! supposing you were down in the world, and had determined on taking +up the horse-stealing line of business." + +"Why, I should . . . But I tell you what, friend, I see you are trying +to pump me, and I tell you plainly that I will hear something from you +with respect to your art, before I tell you anything more. Now, how +would you whisper a horse out of a field, provided you were down in the +world, and so forth?" + +"Ah, ah, I see you are up to game, Mr. Romany: however, I am a gentleman +in mind, if not by birth, and I scorn to do the unhandsome thing to +anybody who has dealt fairly towards me. Now you told me something I +didn't know, and I'll tell you something which perhaps you do know. I +whispers a horse out of a field in this way: I have a mare in my stable; +well, in the early season of the year I goes into my stable . . . Well, I +puts the sponge into a small bottle which I keeps corked. I takes my +bottle in my hand, and goes into a field, suppose by night, where there +is a very fine stag horse. I manage with great difficulty to get within +ten yards of the horse, who stands staring at me just ready to run away. +I then uncorks my bottle, presses, my fore-finger to the sponge, and +holds it out to the horse; the horse gives a sniff, then a start, and +comes nearer. I corks up my bottle and puts it into my pocket. My +business is done, for the next two hours the horse would follow me +anywhere--the difficulty, indeed, would be to get rid of him. Now is +that your way of doing business?" + +"My way of doing business? Mercy upon us! I wouldn't steal a horse in +that way, or, indeed, in any way, for all the money in the world: +however, let me tell you, for your comfort, that a trick somewhat similar +is described in the history of Herodotus." + +"In the history of Herod's ass!" said the jockey; "well, if I did write a +book it should be about something more genteel than a dickey." + +"I did not say Herod's ass," said I, "but Herodotus, a very genteel +writer, I assure you, who wrote a history about very genteel people, in a +language no less genteel than Greek, more than two thousand years ago. +There was a dispute as to who should be king amongst certain imperious +chieftains. At last they agreed to obey him whose horse should neigh +first on a certain day, in front of the royal palace, before the rising +of the sun; for you must know that they did not worship the person who +made the sun as we do, but the sun itself. So one of these chieftains, +talking over the matter to his groom, and saying he wondered who would be +king, the fellow said, 'Why you, master, or I don't know much about +horses.' So the day before the day of trial, what does the groom do, but +take his master's horse before the palace and introduce him to a mare in +the stable, and then lead him forth again. Well, early the next day all +the chieftains on their horses appeared in front of the palace before the +dawn of day. Not a horse neighed but one, and that was the horse of him +who had consulted with his groom, who, thinking of the animal within the +stable, gave such a neigh that all the buildings rang. His rider was +forthwith elected king, and a brave king he was. So this shows what +seemingly wonderful things may be brought about by a little preparation." + +"It doth," said the jockey; "what was the chap's name?" + +"His name--his name--Darius Hystaspes." + +"And the groom's?" + +"I don't know." + +"And he made a good king?" + +"First-rate." + +"Only think! well, if he made a good king, what a wonderful king the +groom would have made, through whose knowledge of 'orses he was put on +the throne. And now another question, Mr. Romany Rye: have you +particular words which have power to soothe or aggravate horses?" + +"You should ask me," said I, "whether I have horses that can be +aggravated or soothed by particular words. No words have any particular +power over horses or other animals who have never heard them before--how +should they? But certain animals connect ideas of misery or enjoyment +with particular words which they are acquainted with. I'll give you an +example. I knew a cob in Ireland that could be driven to a state of +kicking madness by a particular word, used by a particular person, in a +particular tone; but that word was connected with a very painful +operation which had been performed upon him by that individual, who had +frequently employed it at a certain period whilst the animal had been +under his treatment. The same cob could be soothed in a moment by +another word, used by the same individual in a very different kind of +tone--the word was deaghblasda, or sweet tasted. Some time after the +operation, whilst the cob was yet under his hands, the fellow--who was +what the Irish call a fairy smith--had done all he could to soothe the +creature, and had at last succeeded by giving it gingerbread-buttons, of +which the cob became passionately fond. Invariably, however, before +giving it a button, he said, 'Deaghblasda,' with which word the cob by +degrees associated an idea of unmixed enjoyment: so if he could rouse the +cob to madness by the word which recalled the torture to its remembrance, +he could as easily soothe it by the other word, which the cob knew would +be instantly followed by the button, which the smith never failed to give +him after using the word deaghblasda." + +"There is nothing wonderful to be done," said the jockey, "without a good +deal of preparation, as I know myself. Folks stare and wonder at certain +things which they would only laugh at if they knew how they were done; +and to prove what I say is true, I will give you one or two examples. Can +either of you lend me a handkerchief? That won't do," said he, as I +presented him with a silk one. "I wish for a delicate white +handkerchief. That's just the kind of thing," said he, as the Hungarian +offered him a fine white cambric handkerchief, beautifully worked with +gold at the hems; "now you shall see me set this handkerchief on fire." +"Don't let him do so by any means," said the Hungarian, speaking to me in +German; "it is the gift of a lady whom I highly admire, and I would not +have it burnt for the world." "He has no occasion to be under any +apprehension," said the jockey, after I had interpreted to him what the +Hungarian had said; "I will restore it to him uninjured, or my name is +not Jack Dale." Then sticking the handkerchief carelessly into the left +side of his bosom, he took the candle, which by this time had burnt very +low, and holding his head back, he applied the flame to the handkerchief, +which instantly seemed to catch fire. "What do you think of that?" said +he to the Hungarian. "Why, that you have ruined me," said the latter. +"No harm done, I assure you," said the jockey, who presently, clapping +his hand on his bosom, extinguished the fire, and returned the +handkerchief to the Hungarian, asking him if it was burnt. "I see no +burn upon it," said the Hungarian; "but in the name of Gott how could you +set it on fire without burning it?" "I never set it on fire at all," +said the jockey; "I set this on fire," showing us a piece of half-burnt +calico. "I placed this calico above it, and lighted not the +handkerchief, but the rag. Now I will show you something else. I have a +magic shilling in my pocket, which I can make run up along my arm. But, +first of all, I would gladly know whether either of you can do the like." +Thereupon the Hungarian and myself, putting our hands into our pockets, +took out shillings, and endeavoured to make them run up our arms, but +utterly failed; both shillings, after we had made two or three attempts, +falling to the ground. "What noncomposses you both are," said the +jockey; and placing a shilling on the end of the fingers of his right +hand he made strange faces to it, drawing back his head, whereupon the +shilling instantly began to run up his arm, occasionally hopping and +jumping as if it were bewitched, always endeavouring to make towards the +head of the jockey. + +"How do I do that?" said he, addressing himself to me. "I really do not +know," said I, "unless it is by the motion of your arm." "The motion of +my nonsense," said the jockey, and, making a dreadful grimace, the +shilling hopped upon his knee, and began to run up his thigh and to climb +his breast. "How is that done?" said he again. "By witchcraft, I +suppose," said I. "There you are right," said the jockey; "by the +witchcraft of one of Miss Berners' hairs; the end of one of her long +hairs is tied to that shilling by means of a hole in it, and the other +end goes round my neck by means of a loop; so that, when I draw back my +head, the shilling follows it. I suppose you wish to know how I got the +hair," said he, grinning at me. "I will tell you. I once, in the course +of my ridings, saw Miss Berners beneath a hedge, combing out her long +hair, and, being rather a modest kind of person, what must I do but get +off my horse, tie him to a gate, go up to her, and endeavour to enter +into conversation with her. After giving her the sele of the day, and +complimenting her on her hair, I asked her to give me one of the threads; +whereupon she gave me such a look, and, calling me fellow, told me to +take myself off. 'I must have a hair first,' said I, making a snatch at +one. I believe I hurt her; but, whether I did or not, up she started, +and, though her hair was unbound, gave me the only drubbing I ever had in +my life. Lor! how, with her right hand, she fibbed me whilst she held me +round the neck with her left arm; I was soon glad to beg her pardon on my +knees, which she gave me in a moment when she saw me in that condition, +being the most placable creature in the world, and not only her pardon, +but one of the hairs which I longed for, which I put through a shilling, +with which I have on evenings after fairs, like this, frequently worked +what seemed to those who looked on downright witchcraft, but which is +nothing more than pleasant deception. And now, Mr. Romany Rye, to +testify my regard for you, I give you the shilling and the hair. I think +you have a kind of respect for Miss Berners; but whether you have or not, +keep them as long as you can, and whenever you look at them think of the +finest woman in England, and of John Dale, the jockey of Horncastle. I +believe I have told you my history," said he--"no, not quite; there is +one circumstance I had passed over. I told you that I have thriven very +well in business, and so I have upon the whole: at any rate, I find +myself comfortably off now. I have horses, money, and owe nobody a +groat; at any rate, nothing but what I could pay to-morrow. Yet I have +had my dreary day, ay, after I had obtained what I call a station in the +world. All of a sudden, about five years ago, everything seemed to go +wrong with me--horses became sick or died, people who owed me money broke +or ran away, my house caught fire, in fact, everything went against me; +and not from any mismanagement of my own. I looked round for help, +but--what do you think? nobody would help me. Somehow or other it had +got abroad that I was in difficulties, and everybody seemed disposed to +avoid me, as if I had got the plague. Those who were always offering me +help when I wanted none, now, when they thought me in trouble, talked of +arresting me. Yes, two particular friends of mine, who had always been +offering me their purses when my own was stuffed full, now talked of +arresting me, though I only owed the scoundrels a hundred pounds each; +and they would have done so, provided I had not paid them what I owed +them; and how did I do that? Why, I was able to do it because I found a +friend--and who was that friend? Why, a man who has since been hung, of +whom everybody has heard, and of whom everybody for the next hundred +years will occasionally talk. + +"One day, whilst in trouble, I was visited by a person I had occasionally +met at sporting-dinners. He came to look after a Suffolk Punch, the best +horse, by-the-bye, that anybody can purchase to drive, it being the only +animal of the horse kind in England that will pull twice at a dead +weight. I told him that I had none at that time that I could recommend; +in fact, that every horse in my stable was sick. He then invited me to +dine with him at an inn close by, and I was glad to go with him, in the +hope of getting rid of unpleasant thoughts. After dinner, during which +he talked nothing but slang, observing I looked very melancholy, he asked +me what was the matter with me, and I, my heart being opened by the wine +he had made me drink, told him my circumstances without reserve. With an +oath or two for not having treated him at first like a friend, he said he +would soon set me all right; and pulling out two hundred pounds, told me +to pay him when I could. I felt as I never felt before; however, I took +his notes, paid my sneaks, and in less than three months was right again, +and had returned him his money. On paying it to him, I said that I had +now a Punch which would just suit him, saying that I would give it to +him--a free gift--for nothing. He swore at me; telling me to keep my +Punch, for that he was suited already. I begged him to tell me how I +could requite him for his kindness, whereupon, with the most dreadful +oath I ever heard, he bade me come and see him hanged when his time was +come. I wrung his hand, and told him I would, and I kept my word. The +night before the day he was hanged at H . . ., I harnessed a Suffolk +Punch to my light gig, the same Punch which I had offered to him, which I +have ever since kept, and which brought me and this short young man to +Horncastle, and in eleven hours I drove that Punch one hundred and ten +miles. I arrived at H . . . just in the nick of time. There was the +ugly jail--the scaffold--and there upon it stood the only friend I ever +had in the world. Driving my Punch, which was all in a foam, into the +midst of the crowd, which made way for me as if it knew what I came for, +I stood up in my gig, took off my hat, and shouted, 'God Almighty bless +you, Jack!' The dying man turned his pale grim face towards me--for his +face was always somewhat grim, do you see--nodded and said, or I thought +I heard him say, 'All right, old chap.' The next moment . . . my eyes +water. He had a high heart, got into a scrape whilst in the marines, +lost his half-pay, took to the turf, ring, gambling, and at last cut the +throat of a villain who had robbed him of nearly all he had. But he had +good qualities, and I know for certain that he never did half the bad +things laid to his charge; for example, he never bribed Tom Oliver to +fight cross, as it was said he did, on the day of the awful +thunder-storm. Ned Flatnose fairly beat Tom Oliver, for though Ned was +not what's called a good fighter, he had a particular blow, which if he +could put in he was sure to win. His right shoulder, do you see, was two +inches farther back than it ought to have been, and consequently his +right fist generally fell short; but if he could swing himself round, and +put in a blow with that right arm, he could kill or take away the senses +of anybody in the world. It was by putting in that blow in his second +fight with Spring that he beat noble Tom. Spring beat him like a sack in +the first battle, but in the second Ned Painter--for that was his real +name--contrived to put in his blow, and took the senses out of Spring; +and in like manner he took the senses out of Tom Oliver. + +"Well, some are born to be hanged, and some are not; and many of those +who are not hanged are much worse than those who are. Jack, with many a +good quality, is hanged, whilst that fellow of a lord, who wanted to get +the horse from you at about two-thirds of his value, without a single +good quality in the world, is not hanged, and probably will remain so. +You ask the reason why, perhaps. I'll tell you: the lack of a certain +quality called courage, which Jack possessed in abundance, will preserve +him; from the love which he bears his own neck he will do nothing that +can bring him to the gallows. In my rough way I'll draw their characters +from their childhood, and then ask whether Jack was not the best +character of the two. Jack was a rough, audacious boy, fond of fighting, +going a birds'-nesting, but I never heard he did anything particularly +cruel save once, I believe, tying a canister to a butcher's dog's tail; +whilst this fellow of a lord was by nature a savage beast, and when a boy +would in winter pluck poor fowls naked, and set them running on the ice +and in the snow, and was particularly fond of burning cats alive in the +fire. Jack, when a lad, gets a commission on board a ship as an officer +of horse marines, and in two or three engagements behaves quite up to the +mark--at least of a marine; the marines having no particular character +for courage, you know--never having run to the guns and fired them like +madmen after the blue jackets had had more than enough. Oh, dear me, no! +My lord gets into the valorous British army, where cowardice--oh, dear +me!--is a thing almost entirely unknown; and being on the field of +Waterloo the day before the battle, falls off his horse, and, pretending +to be hurt in the back, gets himself put on the sick list--a pretty +excuse--hurting his back--for not being present at such a fight. Old +Benbow, after part of both his legs had been shot away in a sea-fight, +made the carpenter make him a cradle to hold his bloody stumps, and +continued on deck cheering his men till he died. Jack returns home, and +gets into trouble, and having nothing to subsist by but his wits, gets +his living by the ring, and the turf, and gambling, doing many an odd +kind of thing, I dare say, but not half those laid to his charge. My +lord does much the same without the excuse for doing so which Jack had, +for he had plenty of means, is a leg, and a black, only in a more +polished way, and with more cunning, and I may say success, having done +many a rascally thing never laid to his charge. Jack at last cuts the +throat of a villain who had cheated him of all he had in the world, and +who, I am told, was in many points the counterpart of this screw and +white feather, is taken up, tried, and executed; and certainly taking +away a man's life is a dreadful thing; but is there nothing as bad? +Whitefeather will cut no person's throat--I will not say who has cheated +him, for, being a cheat himself, he will take good care that nobody +cheats him, but he'll do something quite as bad; out of envy to a person +who never injured him, and whom he hates for being more clever and +respected than himself, he will do all he possibly can, by backbiting and +every unfair means, to do that person a mortal injury. But Jack is +hanged, and my lord is not. Is that right? My wife, Mary Fulcher--I beg +her pardon, Mary Dale--who is a Methodist, and has heard the mighty +preacher, Peter Williams, says some people are preserved from hanging by +the grace of God. With her I differs, and says it is from want of +courage. This Whitefeather, with one particle of Jack's courage, and +with one tithe of his good qualities, would have been hanged long ago, +for he has ten times Jack's malignity. Jack was hanged because, along +with his bad qualities, he had courage and generosity; this fellow is +not, because with all Jack's bad qualities, and many more, amongst which +is cunning, he has neither courage nor generosity. Think of a fellow +like that putting down two hundred pounds to relieve a distressed fellow- +creature; why, he would rob, but for the law and the fear it fills him +with, a workhouse child of its breakfast, as the saying is--and has been +heard to say that he would not trust his own father for sixpence, and he +can't imagine why such a thing as credit should be ever given. I never +heard a person give him a good word--stay, stay, yes! I once heard an +old parson, to whom I sold a Punch, say that he had the art of receiving +company gracefully, and dismissing them without refreshment. I don't +wish to be too hard with him, and so let him make the most of that +compliment. Well, he manages to get on, whilst Jack is hanged; not quite +enviably, however; he has had his rubs, and pretty hard ones--everybody +knows he slunk from Waterloo, and occasionally checks him with so doing; +whilst he has been rejected by a woman--what a mortification to the low +pride of which the scoundrel has plenty! There's a song about both +circumstances, which may, perhaps, ring in his ears on a dying bed. It's +a funny kind of song, set to the old tune of the Lord-Lieutenant or +Deputy, and with it I will conclude my discourse, for I really think it's +past one." The jockey then, with a very tolerable voice, sung the +following song:-- + + +THE JOCKEY'S SONG. + + + Now list to a ditty both funny and true!-- + Merrily moves the dance along-- + A ditty that tells of a coward and screw, + My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young. + + Sir Plume, though not liking a bullet at all,-- + Merrily moves the dance along-- + Had yet resolution to go to a _ball_, + My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young. + + "Woulez wous danser, mademoiselle?"-- + Merrily moves the dance along;-- + Said she, "Sir, to dance I should like very well," + My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young. + + They danc'd to the left, and they danc'd to the right,-- + Merrily moves the dance along;-- + And her troth the fair damsel bestow'd on the knight, + My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young. + + "Now what shall I fetch you, mademoiselle?"-- + Merrily moves the dance along;-- + Said she, "Sir, an ice I should like very well," + My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young. + + But the ice, when he'd got it, he instantly ate,-- + Merrily moves the dance along;-- + Although his poor partner was all in a fret, + My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young. + + He ate up the ice like a prudent young lord,-- + Merrily moves the dance along;-- + For he saw 'twas the very last ice on the board, + My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young. + + "Now, when shall we marry?" the gentleman cried;-- + Merrily moves the dance along;-- + "Sir, get you to Jordan," the damsel replied, + My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young. + + "I never will wed with the pitiful elf"-- + Merrily moves the dance along-- + "Who ate up the ice which I wanted myself," + My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young. + + "I'd pardon your backing from red Waterloo,"-- + Merrily moves the dance along-- + "But I never will wed with a coward and screw," + My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young, + + + + +CHAPTER XLIII. + + +THE CHURCH. + +The next morning I began to think of departing; I had sewed up the money +which I had received for the horse in a portion of my clothing, where I +entertained no fears for its safety, with the exception of a small sum in +notes, gold, and silver, which I carried in my pocket. Ere departing, +however, I determined to stroll about and examine the town, and observe +more particularly the humours of the fair than I had hitherto an +opportunity of doing. The town, when I examined it, offered no object +worthy of attention but its church--an edifice of some antiquity; under +the guidance of an old man, who officiated as sexton, I inspected its +interior attentively, occasionally conversing with my guide, who, +however, seemed much more disposed to talk about horses than the church. +"No good horses in the fair this time, measter," said he; "none but one +brought hither by a chap whom nobody knows, and bought by a foreigneering +man, who came here with Jack Dale. The horse fetched a good swinging +price, which is said, however, to be much less than its worth; for the +horse is a regular clipper; not such a one, 'tis said, has been seen in +the fair for several summers. Lord Whitefeather says that he believes +the fellow who brought him to be a highwayman, and talks of having him +taken up; but Lord Whitefeather is only in a rage because he could not +get him for himself. The chap would not sell it to un; Lord Screw wanted +to beat him down, and the chap took huff, said he wouldn't sell it to him +at no price, and accepted the offer of the foreigneering man, or of Jack, +who was his 'terpreter, and who scorned to higgle about such an hanimal, +because Jack is a gentleman, though bred a dickey-boy, whilst 'tother, +though bred a lord, is a screw, and a whitefeather. Every one says the +cove was right, and I says so too; I likes spirit, and if the cove were +here, and in your place, measter, I would invite him to drink a pint of +beer. Good horses are scarce now, measter, ay, and so are good men, +quite a different set from what there were when I was young; that was the +time for men and horses. Lord bless you, I know all the breeders about +here; they are not a bad set, and they breed a very fairish set of +horses, but they are not like what their fathers were, nor are their +horses like their fathers' horses. Now, there is Mr. . . . , the great +breeder, a very fairish man, with very fairish horses; but, Lord bless +you, he's nothing to what his father was, nor his steeds to his father's; +I ought to know, for I was at the school here with his father, and +afterwards for many a year helped him to get up his horses; that was when +I was young, measter those were the days. You look at that monument, +measter," said he, as I stopped and looked attentively at a monument on +the southern side of the church, near the altar; "that was put up for a +rector of this church, who lived a long time ago, in Oliver's time, and +was ill-treated and imprisoned by Oliver and his men; you will see all +about it on the monument. There was a grand battle fought nigh this +place, between Oliver's men and the Royal party, and the Royal party had +the worst of it, as I'm told they generally had; and Oliver's men came +into the town, and did a great deal of damage, and ill-treated people. I +can't remember anything about the matter myself, for it happened just one +hundred years before I was born, but my father was acquainted with an old +countryman, who lived not many miles from here, who said he remembered +perfectly well the day of the battle; that he was a boy at the time, and +was working in a field near the place where the battle was fought: and he +heard shouting, and noise of firearms, and also the sound of several +balls, which fell in the field near him. Come this way, measter, and I +will show you some remains of that day's field." Leaving the monument, +on which was inscribed an account of the life and sufferings of the +Royalist Rector of Horncastle, I followed the sexton to the western end +of the church, where, hanging against the wall, were a number of scythes +stuck in the ends of poles. "Those are the weapons, measter," said the +sexton, "which the great people put into the hands of a number of the +country folks, in order that they might use them against Oliver's men; +ugly weapons enough; however, Oliver's men won, and Sir Jacob Ashley and +his party were beat. And a rare time Oliver and his men had of it, till +Oliver died, when the other party got the better, not by fighting, 'tis +said, but through a General Monk, who turned sides. Ah, the old fellow +that my father knew said he well remembered the time when General Monk +went over and proclaimed Charles the Second. Bonfires were lighted +everywhere, oxen roasted, and beer drunk by pailfuls; the country folks +were drunk with joy, and something else; sung scurvy songs about Oliver +to the tune of Barney Banks, and pelted his men, wherever they found +them, with stones and dirt." "The more ungrateful scoundrels they," said +I. "Oliver and his men fought the battle of English independence against +a wretched king and corrupt lords. Had I been living at the time, I +should have been proud to be a trooper of Oliver." "You would, measter, +would you? Well, I never quarrels with the opinions of people who come +to look at the church, and certainly independence is a fine thing. I +like to see a chap of an independent spirit, and if I were now to see the +cove who refused to sell his horse to my Lord Screw and Whitefeather, and +let Jack Dale have him, I would offer to treat him to a pint of beer--e'es +I would, verily. Well, measter, you have now seen the church, and all +there's in it worth seeing--so I'll just lock up, and go and finish +digging the grave I was about when you came, after which I must go into +the fair to see how matters are going on. Thank ye, measter," said he, +as I put something into his hand; "thank ye kindly; 'tis not every one +gives me a shilling nowadays who comes to see the church, but times are +very different from what they were when I was young; I was not sexton +then, but something better; helped Mr. . . . with his horses, and got +many a broad crown. Those were the days, measter, both for men and +horses--and I say, measter, if men and horses were so much better when I +was young than they are now, what, I wonder, must they have been in the +time of Oliver and his men?" + + + + +CHAPTER XLIV. + + +AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE. + +Leaving the church, I strolled through the fair, looking at the horses, +listening to the chaffering of the buyers and sellers, and occasionally +putting in a word of my own, which was not always received with much +deference; suddenly, however, on a whisper arising that I was the young +cove who had brought the wonderful horse to the fair which Jack Dale had +bought for the foreigneering man, I found myself an object of the +greatest attention; those who had before replied with stuff! and +nonsense! to what I said, now listened with the greatest eagerness to any +nonsense which I chose to utter, and I did not fail to utter a great +deal. Presently, however, becoming disgusted with the beings about me, I +forced my way, not very civilly, through my crowd of admirers; and +passing through an alley and a back street, at last reached an outskirt +of the fair, where no person appeared to know me. Here I stood, looking +vacantly on what was going on, musing on the strange infatuation of my +species, who judge of a person's words, not from their intrinsic merit, +but from the opinion--generally an erroneous one--which they have formed +of the person. From this reverie I was roused by certain words which +sounded near me, uttered in a strange tone, and in a strange cadence--the +words were, "Them that finds, wins; and them that can't finds, loses." +Turning my eyes in the direction from which the words proceeded, I saw +six or seven people, apparently all countrymen, gathered round a person +standing behind a tall white table of very small compass. "What!" said +I, "the thimble-engro of . . . Fair here at Horncastle." Advancing +nearer, however, I perceived that though the present person was a thimble- +engro, he was a very different one from my old acquaintance of . . . +Fair. The present one was a fellow about half-a-foot taller than the +other. He had a long, haggard, wild face, and was dressed in a kind of +jacket, something like that of a soldier, with dirty hempen trousers, and +with a foreign-looking peaked hat on his head. He spoke with an accent +evidently Irish, and occasionally changed the usual thimble formula into +"them that finds, wins; and them that can't--och, sure!--they loses;" +saying also frequently "your honour," instead of "my lord." I observed, +on drawing nearer, that he handled the pea and thimble with some +awkwardness, like that which might be expected from a novice in the +trade. He contrived, however, to win several shillings--for he did not +seem to play for gold--from "their honours." Awkward as he was, he +evidently did his best, and never flung a chance away by permitting any +one to win. He had just won three shillings from a farmer, who, incensed +at his loss, was calling him a confounded cheat, and saying that he would +play no more, when up came my friend of the preceding day, Jack the +jockey. This worthy, after looking at the thimble man a moment or two, +with a peculiarly crafty glance, cried out, as he clapped down a shilling +on the table, "I will stand you, old fellow!" "Them that finds, wins; +and them that can't--och, sure!--they loses," said the thimble man. The +game commenced, and Jack took up the thimble without finding the pea; +another shilling was produced, and lost in the same manner. "This is +slow work," said Jack, banging down a guinea on the table; "can you cover +that, old fellow?" The man of the thimble looked at the gold, and then +at him who produced it, and scratched his head. "Come, cover that, or I +shall be off," said the jockey. "Och, shure, my lord!--no, I mean your +honour--no, shure, your lordship," said the other, "if I covers it at +all, it must be with silver, for divil a bit of gold have I by me." +"Well, then, produce the value in silver," said the jockey, "and do it +quickly, for I can't be staying here all day." The thimble man +hesitated, looked at Jack with a dubious look, then at the gold, and then +scratched his head. There was now a laugh amongst the surrounders, which +evidently nettled the fellow, who forthwith thrust his hand into his +pocket, and pulling out all his silver treasure, just contrived to place +the value of the guinea on the table. "Them that finds, wins; and them +that can't finds--_loses_," interrupted Jack, lifting up a thimble, out +of which rolled a pea. "There, Paddy, what do you think of that?" said +he, seizing the heap of silver with one hand, whilst he pocketed the +guinea with the other. The thimble-engro stood for some time like one +transfixed, his eyes glaring wildly, now at the table, and now at his +successful customer; at last he said, "Arrah, sure, master!--no, I manes +my lord--you are not going to ruin a poor boy!" "Ruin you!" said the +other; "what! by winning a guinea's change? a pretty small dodger you--if +you have not sufficient capital, why do you engage in so deep a trade as +thimbling? come, will you stand another game?" "Och, sure, master, no! +the twenty shillings and one which you have cheated me of were all I had +in the world." "Cheated you!" said Jack; "say that again, and I will +knock you down." "Arrah! sure, master, you knows that the pea under the +thimble was not mine; here is mine, master; now give me back my money." +"A likely thing," said Jack; "no, no, I know a trick worth two or three +of that; whether the pea was yours or mine, you will never have your +twenty shillings and one again; and if I have ruined you, all the better; +I'd gladly ruin all such villains as you, who ruin poor men with your +dirty tricks, whom you would knock down and rob on the road if you had +but courage: not that I mean to keep your shillings, with the exception +of the two you cheated from me, which I'll keep. A scramble, boys! a +scramble!" said he, flinging up all the silver into the air, with the +exception of the two shillings; and a scramble there instantly was, +between the rustics who had lost their money and the urchins who came +running up; the poor thimble-engro tried likewise to have his share; but +though he flung himself down, in order to join more effectually in the +scramble, he was unable to obtain a single sixpence; and having in his +rage given some of his fellow-scramblers a cuff or two, he was set upon +by the boys and country-fellows, and compelled to make an inglorious +retreat with his table, which had been flung down in the scuffle, and had +one of its legs broken. As he retired, the rabble hooted, and Jack, +holding up in derision the pea with which he had out-manoeuvred him, +exclaimed, "I always carry this in my pocket in order to be a match for +vagabonds like you." + +The tumult over, Jack gone, and the rabble dispersed, I followed the +discomfited adventurer at a distance, who, leaving the town, went slowly +on, carrying his dilapidated piece of furniture; till, coming to an old +wall by the roadside, he placed it on the ground, and sat down, seemingly +in deep despondency, holding his thumb to his mouth. Going nearly up to +him, I stood still, whereupon he looked up, and perceiving I was looking +steadfastly at him, he said, in an angry tone, "Arrah! what for are you +staring at me so? By my shoul, I think you are one of the thaives who +are after robbing me. I think I saw you among them, and if I were only +sure of it, I would take the liberty of trying to give you a big bating." +"You have had enough of trying to give people a beating," said I; "you +had better be taking your table to some skilful carpenter to get it +repaired. He will do it for sixpence." "Divil a sixpence did you and +your thaives leave me," said he; "and if you do not take yourself off, +joy, I will be breaking your ugly head with the foot of it." "Arrah, +Murtagh!" said I, "would ye be breaking the head of your old friend and +scholar, to whom you taught the blessed tongue of Oilien nan Naomha, in +exchange for a pack of cards?" Murtagh, for he it was, gazed at me for a +moment with a bewildered look; then, with a gleam of intelligence in his +eye, he said, "Shorsha! no, it can't be--yes, by my faith it is!" Then, +springing up, and seizing me by the hand, he said, "Yes, by the powers, +sure enough it is Shorsha agra! Arrah, Shorsha! where have you been this +many a day? Sure, you are not one of the spalpeens who are after robbing +me?" "Not I," I replied, "but I saw all that happened. Come, you must +not take matters so to heart; cheer up; such things will happen in +connection with the trade you have taken up." "Sorrow befall the trade, +and the thief who taught it me," said Murtagh; "and yet the trade is not +a bad one, if I only knew more of it, and had some one to help and back +me. Och! the idea of being cheated and bamboozled by that one-eyed thief +in the horseman's dress." "Let bygones be bygones, Murtagh," said I; "it +is no use grieving for the past; sit down, and let us have a little +pleasant gossip. Arrah, Murtagh! when I saw you sitting under the wall, +with your thumb to your mouth, it brought to my mind tales which you used +to tell me all about Finn ma-Coul. You have not forgotten Finn-ma-Coul, +Murtagh, and how he sucked wisdom out of his thumb." "Sorrow a bit have +I forgot about him, Shorsha," said Murtagh, as we sat down together, "nor +what you yourself told me about the snake. Arrah, Shorsha! what ye told +me about the snake bates anything I ever told you about Finn. Ochone, +Shorsha! perhaps you will be telling me about the snake once more? I +think the tale would do me good, and I have need of comfort, God knows, +Ochone!" Seeing Murtagh in such a distressed plight, I forthwith told +him over again the tale of the snake, in precisely the same words as I +have related it in the first part of this history. After which I said, +"Now, Murtagh, tit for tat; ye will be telling me one of the old stories +of Finn-ma-Coul." "Och, Shorsha. I haven't heart enough," said Murtagh. +"Thank you for your tale, but it makes me weep; it brings to mind +Dungarvon times of old--I mean the times we were at school together." +"Cheer up, man," said I, "and let's have the story, and let it be about +Ma-Coul and the salmon, and his thumb." "Arrah, Shorsha! I can't. Well, +to oblige you, I'll give it you. Well, you know Ma-Coul was an exposed +child, and came floating over the salt sea in a chest which was cast +ashore at Veintry Bay. In the corner of that bay was a castle, where +dwelt a giant and his wife, very respectable and dacent people, and this +giant, taking his morning walk along the bay, came to the place where the +child had been cast ashore in his box. Well, the giant looked at the +child, and being filled with compassion for his exposed state, took the +child up in his box, and carried him home to his castle, where he and his +wife, being dacent, respectable people, as I telled ye before, fostered +the child and took care of him, till he became old enough to go out to +service and gain his livelihood, when they bound him out apprentice to +another giant, who lived in a castle up the country, at some distance +from the bay. + +{The Old Parish Church, Horncastle. (Reproduced from Weir's +"Horncastle."): p276.jpg} + +"This giant, whose name was Darmod David Odeen, was not a respectable +person at all, but a big ould vagabond. He was twice the size of the +other giant, who, though bigger than any man, was not a big giant; for, +as there are great and small men, so there are great and small giants--I +mean some are small when compared with the others. Well, Finn served +this giant a considerable time, doing all kinds of hard and unreasonable +service for him, and receiving all kinds of hard words, and many a hard +knock and kick to boot--sorrow befall the ould vagabond who could thus +ill-treat a helpless foundling. It chanced that one day the giant caught +a salmon, near a salmon-leap upon his estate--for, though a big ould +blackguard, he was a person of considerable landed property, and high +sheriff for the county Cork. Well, the giant brings home the salmon by +the gills, and delivers it to Finn, telling him to roast it for the +giant's dinner; 'but take care, ye young blackguard,' he added, 'that in +roasting it--and I expect ye to roast it well--you do not let a blister +come upon its nice satin skin, for if ye do, I will cut the head off your +shoulders.' 'Well,' thinks Finn, 'this is a hard task; however, as I +have done many hard tasks for him, I will try and do this too, though I +was never set to do anything yet half so difficult.' So he prepared his +fire, and put his gridiron upon it, and lays the salmon fairly and softly +upon the gridiron, and then he roasts it, turning it from one side to the +other just in the nick of time, before the soft satin skin could be +blistered. However, on turning it over the eleventh time--and twelve +would have settled the business--he found he had delayed a little bit of +time too long in turning it over, and there was a small, tiny blister on +the soft outer skin. Well, Finn was in a mighty panic, remembering the +threats of the ould giant; however, he did not lose heart, but clapped +his thumb upon the blister in order to smooth it down. Now the salmon, +Shorsha, was nearly done, and the flesh thoroughly hot, so Finn's thumb +was scalt, and he, clapping it to his mouth, sucked it, in order to draw +out the pain, and in a moment--hubbuboo!--became imbued with all the +wisdom of the world." + +_Myself_. Stop, Murtagh! stop! + +_Murtagh_. All the witchcraft, Shorsha. + +_Myself_. How wonderful! + +_Murtagh_. Was it not, Shorsha? The salmon, do you see, was a fairy +salmon. + +_Myself_. What a strange coincidence! + +_Murtagh_. A what, Shorsha? + +_Myself_. Why, that the very same tale should be told of Finn-ma-Coul, +which is related of Sigurd Fafnisbane. + +"What thief was that, Shorsha?" + +"Thief! 'Tis true, he took the treasure of Fafnir. Sigurd was the hero +of the North, Murtagh, even as Finn is the great hero of Ireland. He, +too, according to one account, was an exposed child, and came floating in +a casket to a wild shore, where he was suckled by a hind, and afterwards +found and fostered by Mimir, a fairy blacksmith; he, too, sucked wisdom +from a burn. According to the Edda, he burnt his finger whilst feeling +of the heart of Fafnir, which he was roasting, and putting it into his +mouth in order to suck out the pain, became imbued with all the wisdom of +the world, the knowledge of the language of birds, and what not. I have +heard you tell the tale of Finn a dozen times in the blessed days of old, +but its identity with the tale of Sigurd never occurred to me till now. +It is true, when I knew you of old I had never read the tale of Sigurd, +and have since almost dismissed matters of Ireland from my mind; but as +soon as you told me again about Finn's burning his finger, the +coincidence struck me. I say, Murtagh, the Irish owe much to the Danes +. . ." + +"Devil a bit, Shorsha, do they owe to the thaives, except many a bloody +bating and plundering, which they never paid them back. Och, Shorsha! +you, edicated in ould Ireland, to say that the Irish owes anything good +to the plundering villains--the Siol Loughlin." + +"They owe them half their traditions, Murtagh, and amongst others Finn-ma- +Coul and the burnt finger; and if ever I publish the Loughlin songs, I'll +tell the world so." + +"But, Shorsha, the world will never believe ye--to say nothing of the +Irish part of it." + +"Then the world, Murtagh--to say nothing of the Irish part of it--will be +a fool, even as I have often thought it; the grand thing, Murtagh, is to +be able to believe oneself, and respect oneself. How few whom the world +believes, believe and respect themselves." + +"Och, Shorsha! shall I go on with the tale of Finn?" + +"I'd rather you should not, Murtagh; I know all about it already." + +"Then why did you bother me to tell it at first, Shorsha? Och, it was +doing my ownself good, and making me forget my own sorrowful state, when +ye interrupted me with your thaives of Danes! Och, Shorsha! let me tell +you how Finn, by means of sucking his thumb, and the witchcraft he +imbibed from it, contrived to pull off the arm of the ould wagabone, +Darmod David Odeen, whilst shaking hands with him--for Finn could do no +feat of strength without sucking his thumb, Shorsha, as Conan the Bald +told the son of Oisin in the song which I used to sing ye in Dungarvon +times of old;" and here Murtagh repeated certain Irish words to the +following effect:-- + + "O little the foolish words I heed, + O Oisin's son, from thy lips which come; + No strength were in Finn for valorous deed, + Unless to the gristle he suck'd his thumb." + +"Enough is as good as a feast, Murtagh, I am no longer in the cue for +Finn. I would rather hear your own history. Now, tell us, man, all that +has happened to ye since Dungarvon times of old?" + +"Och, Shorsha, it would be merely bringing all my sorrows back upon me!" + +"Well, if I know all your sorrows, perhaps I shall be able to find a help +for them. I owe you much, Murtagh; you taught me Irish, and I will do +all I can to help you." + +"Why, then, Shorsha, I'll tell ye my history. Here goes!" + + + + +CHAPTER XLV. + + +MURTAGH'S TALE. + +"Well, Shorsha, about a year and a half after you left us--and a +sorrowful hour for us it was when ye left us, losing, as we did, your +funny stories of your snake--and the battles of your military--they sent +me to Paris and Salamanca, in order to make a saggart of me." + +"Pray excuse me," said I, "for interrupting you, but what kind of place +is Salamanca?" + +"Divil a bit did I ever see of it, Shorsha!" + +"Then why did you say you were sent there? Well, what kind of place is +Paris? Not that I care much about Paris." + +"Sorrow a bit did I ever see of either of them, Shorsha, for no one sent +me to either. When we says at home a person is going to Paris and +Salamanca, it manes that he is going abroad to study to be a saggart, +whether he goes to them places or not. No, I never saw either--bad luck +to them--I was shipped away from Cork up the straits to a place called +Leghorn, from which I was sent to . . . to a religious house, where I was +to be instructed in saggarting till they had made me fit to cut a decent +figure in Ireland. We had a long and tedious voyage, Shorsha; not so +tedious, however, as it would have been had I been fool enough to lave +your pack of cards behind me, as the thaif, my brother Denis, wanted to +persuade me to do, in order that he might play with them himself. With +the cards I managed to have many a nice game with the sailors, winning +from them ha'pennies and sixpences until the captain said that I was +ruining his men, and keeping them from their duty; and, being a heretic +and a Dutchman, swore that unless I gave over he would tie me up to the +mast and give me a round dozen. This threat obliged me to be more on my +guard, though I occasionally contrived to get a game at night, and to win +sixpences and ha'pennies. + +"We reached Leghorn at last, and glad I was to leave the ship and the +master, who gave me a kick as I was getting over the side, bad luck to +the dirty heretic for kicking a son of the Church, for I have always been +a true son of the Church, Shorsha, and never quarrelled with it unless it +interfered with me in my playing at cards. I left Leghorn with certain +muleteers with whom I played at cards at the baiting-houses, and who +speedily won from me all the ha'pennies and sixpences I had won from the +sailors. I got my money's worth, however, for I learnt from the +muleteers all kind of quaint tricks upon the cards, which I knew nothing +of before; so I did not grudge them what they chated me of, and when we +parted we did so in kindness on both sides. On getting to . . . I was +received into the religious house for Irishes. It was the Irish house, +Shorsha, into which I was taken, for I do not wish ye to suppose that I +was in the English religious house which there is in that city, in which +a purty set are educated, and in which purty doings are going on, if all +tales be true. + +"In this Irish house I commenced my studies, learning to sing and to read +the Latin prayers of the church. 'Faith, Shorsha, many's the sorrowful +day I passed in that house learning the prayers and litanies, being half- +starved, with no earthly diversion at all, at all; until I took the cards +out of my chest and began instructing in card-playing the chum which I +had with me in the cell; then I had plenty of diversion along with him +during the times when I was not engaged in singing, and chanting, and +saying the prayers of the church; there was, however, some drawback in +playing with my chum, for though he was very clever in learning, divil a +sixpence had he to play with, in which respect he was like myself, the +master who taught him, who had lost all my money to the muleteers who +taught me the tricks upon the cards; by degrees, however, it began to be +noised about the religious house that Murtagh, from Hibrodary, {281} had +a pack of cards with which he played with his chum in the cell; whereupon +other scholars of the religious house came to me, some to be taught and +others to play, so with some I played, and others I taught, but neither +to those who could play, or to those who could not, did I teach the +elegant tricks which I learnt from the muleteers. Well, the scholars +came to me for the sake of the cards, and the porter and the cook of the +religious house, who could both play very well, came also; at last I +became tired of playing for nothing, so I borrowed a few bits of silver +from the cook, and played against the porter, and by means of my tricks I +won money from the porter, and then I paid the cook the bits of silver +which I had borrowed of him; and played with him, and won a little of his +money, which I let him win back again, as I had lived long enough in a +religious house to know that it is dangerous to take money from the cook. +In a little time, Shorsha, there was scarcely anything going on in the +house but card-playing; the almoner played with me, and so did the sub- +rector, and I won money from both; not too much, however, lest they +should tell the rector, who had the character of a very austere man, and +of being a bit of a saint; however, the thief of a porter, whose money I +had won, informed the rector of what was going on, and one day the rector +sent for me into his private apartment, and gave me so long and pious a +lecture upon the heinous sin of card-playing, that I thought I should +sink into the ground; after about half-an-hour's inveighing against card- +playing, he began to soften his tone, and with a long sigh told me that +at one time of his life he had been a young man himself, and had +occasionally used the cards; he then began to ask me some questions about +card-playing, which questions I afterwards found were to pump from me +what I knew about the science. After a time he asked me whether I had +got my cards with me, and on my telling him I had, he expressed a wish to +see them, whereupon I took the pack out of my pocket, and showed it to +him; he looked at it very attentively, and at last, giving another deep +sigh, he said, that though he was nearly weaned from the vanities of the +world, he had still an inclination to see whether he had entirely lost +the little skill which at one time he possessed. When I heard him speak +in this manner, I told him that if his reverence was inclined for a game +of cards, I should be very happy to play one with him; scarcely had I +uttered these words than he gave a third sigh, and looked so very much +like a saint that I was afraid he was going to excommunicate me. Nothing +of the kind, however, for presently he gets up and locks the door, then +sitting down at the table, he motioned me to do the same, which I did, +and in five minutes there we were playing at cards, his reverence and +myself. + +"I soon found that his reverence knew quite as much about card-playing as +I did. Divil a trick was there connected with cards that his reverence +did not seem awake to. As, however, we were not playing for money, this +circumstance did not give me much uneasiness; so we played game after +game for two hours, when his reverence, having business, told me I might +go, so I took up my cards, made my obedience, and left him. The next day +I had other games with him, and so on for a very long time, still playing +for nothing. At last his reverence grew tired of playing for nothing, +and proposed that we should play for money. Now, I had no desire to play +with his reverence for money, as I knew that doing so would bring on a +quarrel. As long as we were playing for nothing, I could afford to let +his reverence use what tricks he pleased; but if we played for money, I +couldn't do so. If he played his tricks, I must play mine, and use every +advantage to save my money; and there was one I possessed which his +reverence did not. The cards being my own, I had put some delicate +little marks on the trump cards, just at the edges, so that when I dealt, +by means of a little sleight of hand I could deal myself any trump card I +pleased. But I wished, as I said before, to have no dealings for money +with his reverence, knowing that he was master in the house, and that he +could lead me a dog of a life if I offended him, either by winning his +money, or not letting him win mine. So I told him I had no money to play +with, but the ould thief knew better; he knew that I was every day +winning money from the scholars, and the sub-rector, and the other people +of the house, and the ould thief had determined to let me go on in that +way winning money, and then by means of his tricks, which he thought I +dare not resent, to win from me all my earnings--in a word, Shorsha, to +let me fill myself like a sponge, and then squeeze me for his own +advantage. So he made me play with him, and in less than three days came +on the quarrel; his reverence chated me, and I chated his reverence; the +ould thaif knew every trick that I knew, and one or two more; but in +daling out the cards I nicked his reverence; scarcely a trump did I ever +give him, Shorsha, and won his money purty freely. Och, it was a purty +quarrel! All the delicate names in the 'Newgate Calendar,' if ye ever +heard of such a book; all the hang-dog names in the Newgate histories, +and the lives of Irish rogues, did we call each other--his reverence and +I! Suddenly, however, putting out his hand, he seized the cards, saying, +'I will examine these cards, ye cheating scoundrel! for I believe there +are dirty marks on them, which ye have made in order to know the winning +cards.' 'Give me back my pack,' said I, 'or m'anam on Dioul if I be not +the death of ye!' His reverence, however, clapped the cards into his +pocket, and made the best of his way to the door, I hanging upon him. He +was a gross, fat man, but like most fat men, deadly strong, so he forced +his way to the door, and, opening it, flung himself out, with me still +holding on him like a terrier dog on a big fat pig; then he shouts for +help, and in a little time I was secured and thrust into a lock-up room, +where I was left to myself. Here was a purty alteration. Yesterday I +was the idol of the religious house, thought more on than his reverence, +every one paying me court and wurtship, and wanting to play cards with +me, and to learn my tricks, and fed, moreover, on the tidbits of the +table; and to-day I was in a cell, nobody coming to look at me but the +blackguard porter who had charge of me, my cards taken from me, and with +nothing but bread and water to live upon. Time passed dreary enough for +a month, at the end of which time his reverence came to me, leaving the +porter just outside the door in order to come to his help should I be +violent; and then he read me a very purty lecture on my conduct, saying I +had turned the religious house topsy-turvy, and corrupted the scholars, +and that I was the cheat of the world, for that, on inspecting the pack, +he had discovered the dirty marks which I had made upon the trump cards +for to know them by. He said a great deal more to me, which is not worth +relating, and ended by telling me that he intended to let me out of +confinement next day, but that if ever I misconducted myself any more, he +would clap me in again for the rest of my life. I had a good mind to +call him an ould thaif, but the hope of getting out made me hold my +tongue, and the next day I was let out; and need enough I had to be let +out, for what with being alone, and living on the bread and water, I was +becoming frighted, or, as the doctors call it, narvous. But when I was +out--oh, what a change I found in the religious house! no card-playing, +for it had been forbidden to the scholars, and there was now nothing +going on but reading and singing; divil a merry visage to be seen, but +plenty of prim airs and graces; but the case of the scholars, though bad +enough, was not half so bad as mine, for they could spake to each other, +whereas I could not have a word of conversation, for the ould thaif of a +rector had ordered them to send me to 'Coventry,' telling them that I was +a gambling cheat, with morals bad enough to corrupt a horse regiment; and +whereas they were allowed to divert themselves with going out, I was kept +reading and singing from morn till night. The only soul who was willing +to exchange a word with me was the cook, and sometimes he and I had a +little bit of discourse in a corner, and we condoled with each other, for +he liked the change in the religious house almost as little as myself; +but he told me that, for all the change below stairs, there was still +card-playing going on above, for that the ould thaif of a rector, and the +sub-rector, and the almoner played at cards together, and that the rector +won money from the others--the almoner had told him so--and, moreover, +that the rector was the thaif of the world, and had been a gambler in his +youth, and had once been kicked out of a club-house at Dublin for +cheating at cards, and after that circumstance had apparently reformed +and lived decently till the time when I came to the religious house with +my pack, but that the sight of that had brought him back to his ould +gambling. He told the cook, moreover, that the rector frequently went +out at night to the houses of the great clergy and cheated at cards. + +"In this melancholy state, with respect to myself, things continued a +long time, when suddenly there was a report that his Holiness the Pope +intended to pay a visit to the religious house in order to examine into +its state of discipline. When I heard this I was glad, for I determined, +after the Pope had done what he had come to do, to fall upon my knees +before him, and make a regular complaint of the treatment I had received, +to tell him of the cheatings at cards of the rector, and to beg him to +make the ould thaif give me back my pack again. So the day of the visit +came, and his Holiness made his appearance with his attendants, and, +having looked over the religious house, he went into the rector's room +with the rector, the sub-rector, and the almoner. I intended to have +waited until his Holiness came out, but finding he stayed a long time, I +thought I would e'en go in to him, so I went up to the door without +anybody observing me--his attendants being walking about the corridor--and +opening it I slipped in, and there what do you think I saw? Why, his +Holiness the Pope, and his reverence the rector, and the sub-rector, and +the almoner seated at cards; and the ould thaif of a rector was dealing +out the cards which ye had given me, Shorsha, to his Holiness the Pope, +the sub-rector, the almoner, and himself." + +In this part of his history I interrupted Murtagh, saying that I was +afraid he was telling untruths, and that it was highly improbable that +the Pope would leave the Vatican to play cards with Irish at their +religious house, and that I was sure if on his, Murtagh's authority, I +were to tell the world so, the world would never believe it. + +"Then the world, Shorsha, would be a fool, even as you were just now +saying you had frequently believed it to be; the grand thing, Shorsha, is +to be able to believe oneself; if ye can do that, it matters very little +whether the world believes ye or no. But a purty thing for you and the +world to stickle at the Pope's playing at cards at a religious house of +Irish; och! if I were to tell you, and the world, what the Pope has been +sometimes at, at the religious house of English thaives, I would excuse +you and the world for turning up your eyes. However, I wish to say +nothing against the Pope. I am a son of the Church, and if the Pope +don't interfere with my cards, divil a bit will I have to say against +him; but I saw the Pope playing, or about to play, with the pack which +had been taken from me, and when I told the Pope, the Pope did not . . . +ye had better let me go on with my history, Shorsha; whither you or the +world believe it or not, I am sure it is quite as true as your tale of +the snake, or saying that Finn got his burnt finger from the thaives of +Loughlin; and whatever you may say, I am sure the world will think so +too." + +I apologised to Murtagh for interrupting him, and telling him that his +history, whether true or not, was infinitely diverting, begged him to +continue it. + + + + +CHAPTER XLVI. + + +MURTAGH'S STORY CONTINUED--THE PRIEST, EXORCIST, AND THIMBLE-ENGRO--HOW +TO CHECK A REBELLION. + +"I was telling ye, Shorsha, when ye interrupted me, that I found the +Pope, the rector, the sub-rector, and the almoner seated at the table, +the rector, with my pack of cards in his hand, about to deal out to the +Pope and the rest, not forgetting himself, for whom he intended all the +trump-cards no doubt. No sooner did they perceive me than they seemed +taken all aback; but the rector, suddenly starting up with the cards in +his hand, asked me what I did there, threatening to have me well +disciplined if I did not go about my business; 'I am come for my pack,' +said I, 'ye ould thaif, and to tell his Holiness how I have been treated +by ye;' then, going down on my knees before his Holiness, I said, 'Arrah, +now, your Holiness! will ye not see justice done to a poor boy who has +been sadly misused? The pack of cards which that old ruffian has in his +hand are my cards, which he has taken from me, in order to chate with. +Arrah! don't play with him, your Holiness, for he'll only chate ye--there +are dirty marks upon the cards which bear the trumps, put there in order +to know them by; and the ould thaif in daling out will give himself all +the good cards, and chate ye of the last farthing in your pocket; so let +them be taken from him, your Holiness, and given back to me; and order +him to lave the room, and then, if your Holiness be for an honest game, +don't think I'm the boy to baulk ye. I'll take the ould ruffian's place, +and play with ye till evening, and all night besides, and divil an +advantage will I take of the dirty marks, though I know them all, having +placed them on the cards myself.' I was going on in this way when the +ould thaif of a rector, flinging down the cards, made at me as if to kick +me out of the room, whereupon I started up, and said, 'If ye are for +kicking, sure two can play at that;' and then I kicked at his reverence, +and his reverence at me, and there was a regular scrimmage between us, +which frightened the Pope, who, getting up, said some words which I did +not understand, but which the cook afterwards told me were, 'English +extravagance, and this is the second edition;' for it seems that, a +little time before, his Holiness had been frightened in St. Peter's +Church by the servant of an English family, which those thaives of the +English religious house had been endeavouring to bring over to the +Catholic faith, and who didn't approve of their being converted. Och! +his Holiness did us all sore injustice to call us English, and to +confound our house with the other; for however dirty our house might be, +our house was a clane house compared with the English house, and we +honest people compared with those English thaives. Well, his Holiness +was frighted, and the almoner ran out and brought in his Holiness's +attendants, and they laid hold of me, but I struggled hard, and said, 'I +will not go without my pack; arrah, your Holiness! make them give me back +my pack, which Shorsha gave me in Dungarvon times of old;' but my +struggles were of no use. I was pulled away and put in the ould dungeon, +and his Holiness went away sore frighted, crossing himself much, and +never returned again. + +"In the ould dungeon I was fastened to the wall by a chain and there I +was disciplined once every other day for the first three weeks, and then +I was left to myself, and my chain, and hunger; and there I sat in the +dungeon, sometimes screeching, sometimes holloaing, for I soon became +frighted, having nothing in the cell to divert me. At last the cook +found his way to me by stealth, and comforted me a little, bringing me +tidbits out of the kitchen; and he visited me again and again--not often, +however, for he dare only come when he could steal away the key from the +custody of the thief of a porter. I was three years in the dungeon, and +should have gone mad but for the cook, and his words of comfort, and his +tidbits, and nice books which he brought me out of the library, which +were the 'Calendars of Newgate,' and the 'Lives of Irish Rogues and +Raparees,' the only English books in the library. However, at the end of +three years, the ould thaif of a rector, wishing to look at them books, +missed them from the library, and made a perquisition about them, and the +thaif of a porter said that he shouldn't wonder if I had them; saying +that he had once seen me reading; and then the rector came with others to +my cell, and took my books from me, from under my straw, and asked me how +I came by them; and on my refusal to tell, they disciplined me again till +the blood ran down my back; and making more perquisition, they at last +accused the cook of having carried the books to me, and the cook not +denying, he was given warning to leave next day, but he left that night, +and took me away with him; for he stole the key, and came to me and cut +my chain through, and then he and I escaped from the religious house +through a window--the cook with a bundle, containing what things he had. +No sooner had we got out than the honest cook gave me a little bit of +money and a loaf, and told me to follow a way which he pointed out, which +he said would lead to the sea; and then, having embraced me after the +Italian way, he left me, and I never saw him again. So I followed the +way which the cook pointed out, and in two days reached a sea-port called +Chiviter Vik, terribly foot-foundered, and there I met a sailor who spoke +Irish, and who belonged to a vessel just ready to sail for France; and +the sailor took me on board his vessel, and said I was his brother, and +the captain gave me a passage to a place in France called Marseilles; and +when I got there, the captain and sailor got a little money for me and a +passport, and I travelled across the country towards a place they +directed me to called Bayonne, from which they said I might, perhaps, get +to Ireland. Coming however, to a place called Pau, all my money being +gone, I enlisted into a regiment called the Army of the Faith, which was +going into Spain, for the King of Spain had been dethroned and imprisoned +by his own subjects, as perhaps you may have heard; and the King of +France, who was his cousin, was sending an army to help him, under the +command of his own son, whom the English called Prince Hilt, because when +he was told that he was appointed to the command, he clapped his hand on +the hilt of his sword. So I enlisted into the regiment of the Faith, +which was made up of Spaniards, many of them priests who had run out of +Spain, and broken Germans, and foot-foundered Irish, like myself. It was +said to be a blackguard regiment, that same regiment of the Faith; but, +'faith, I saw nothing blackguardly going on in it, for ye would hardly +reckon card-playing and dominoes, and pitch and toss blackguardly, and I +saw nothing else going on in it. There was one thing in it which I +disliked--the priests drawing their Spanish knives occasionally, when +they lost their money. After we had been some time at Pau, the Army of +the Faith was sent across the mountains into Spain, as the vanguard of +the French; and no sooner did the Spaniards see the Faith than they made +a dash at it, and the Faith ran away, myself along with it, and got +behind the French army, which told it to keep there, and the Faith did +so, and followed the French army, which soon scattered the Spaniards, and +in the end placed the king on his throne again. When the war was over +the Faith was disbanded; some of the foreigners, however, amongst whom I +was one, were put into a Guard regiment, and there I continued for more +than a year. + +"One day, being at a place called the Escurial, I took stock, as the +tradesmen say, and found I possessed the sum of eighty dollars, won by +playing at cards; for though I could not play so well with the foreign +cards as with the pack ye gave me, Shorsha, I had yet contrived to win +money from the priests and soldiers of the Faith. Finding myself +possessed of such a capital I determined to leave the service, and to +make the best of my way to Ireland; so I deserted, but coming in an evil +hour to a place they calls Torre Lodones, I found the priest playing at +cards with his parishioners. The sight of the cards made me stop, and +then, fool like, notwithstanding the treasure I had about me, I must wish +to play, so not being able to speak their language I made signs to them +to let me play, and the priest and his thaives consented willingly; so I +sat down to cards with the priest and two of his parishioners, and in a +little time had won plenty of their money, but I had better never have +done any such a thing, for suddenly the priest and all his parishioners +set upon me and bate me, and took from me all I had, and cast me out of +the village more dead than alive. Och! it's a bad village that, and if I +had known what it was I would have avoided it, or run straight through +it, though I saw all the card-playing in the world going on in it. There +is a proverb about it, as I was afterwards told, old as the time of the +Moors, which holds good to the present day--it is, that in Torre Lodones +there are twenty-four housekeepers, and twenty-five thieves, maning that +all the people are thaives, and the clergyman to boot, who is not +reckoned a housekeeper; and troth I found the clergyman the greatest +thaif of the lot. After being cast out of that village I travelled for +nearly a month, subsisting by begging tolerably well, for though most of +the Spaniards are thaives, they are rather charitable; but though +charitable thaives they do not like their own being taken from them +without leave being asked, as I found to my cost; for on my entering a +garden near Seville, without leave, to take an orange, the labourer came +running up and struck me to the ground with a hatchet, giving me a big +wound in the arm. I fainted with loss of blood, and on my reviving I +found myself in a hospital at Seville, to which the labourer and the +people of the village had taken me. I should have died of starvation in +that hospital had not some English people heard of me and come to see me; +they tended me with food till I was cured, and then paid my passage on +board a ship to London, to which place the ship carried me. + +"And now I was in London with five shillings in my pocket--all I had in +the world--and that did not last for long; and when it was gone I begged +in the streets, but I did not get much by that, except a month's hard +labour in the correction-house; and when I came out I knew not what to +do, but thought I would take a walk in the country, for it was +springtime, and the weather was fine, so I took a walk about seven miles +from London, and came to a place where a great fair was being held; and +there I begged, but got nothing but a half-penny, and was thinking of +going farther, when I saw a man with a table, like that of mine, playing +with thimbles, as you saw me. I looked at the play, and saw him win +money and run away, and hunted by constables more than once. I kept +following the man, and at last entered into conversation with him; and +learning from him that he was in want of a companion to help him, I +offered to help him if he would pay me; he looked at me from top to toe, +and did not wish at first to have anything to do with me, as he said my +appearance was against me. 'Faith, Shorsha, he had better have looked at +home, for his appearance was not much in his favour: he looked very much +like a Jew, Shorsha. However, he at last agreed to take me to be his +companion, or bonnet as he called it; and I was to keep a look-out, and +let him know when constables were coming, and to spake a good word for +him occasionally, whilst he was chating folks with his thimbles and his +pea. So I became his bonnet, and assisted him in the fair, and in many +other fairs beside; but I did not like my occupation much, or rather my +master, who, though not a big man, was a big thaif, and an unkind one, +for do all I could I could never give him pleasure; and he was +continually calling me fool and bogtrotter, and twitting me because I +could not learn his thaives' Latin, and discourse with him in it, and +comparing me with another acquaintance, or bit of a pal of his, whom he +said he had parted with in the fair, and of whom he was fond of saying +all kinds of wonderful things, amongst others, that he knew the grammar +of all tongues. At last, wearied with being twitted by him with not +being able to learn his thaives' Greek, I proposed that I should teach +him Irish, that we should spake it together when we had anything to say +in sacret. To that he consented willingly; but, och! a purty hand he +made with Irish, 'faith, not much better than did I with his thaives' +Hebrew. Then my turn came, and I twitted him nicely with dulness, and +compared him with a pal that I had in ould Ireland, in Dungarvon times of +yore, to whom I teached Irish, telling him that he was the broth of a +boy, and not only knew the grammar of all human tongues, but the dialects +of the snakes besides; in fact, I tould him all about your own sweet +self, Shorsha, and many a dispute and quarrel had we together about our +pals, which was the cleverest fellow, his or mine. + +"Well, after having been wid him about two months, I quitted him without +noise, taking away one of his tables, and some peas and thimbles; and +that I did with a safe conscience, for he paid me nothing, and was not +over free with the meat and the drink, though I must say of him that he +was a clever fellow, and perfect master of his trade, by which he made a +power of money, and bating his not being able to learn Irish, and a +certain Jewish lisp which he had, a great master of his tongue, of which +he was very proud; so much so, that he once told me that when he had +saved a certain sum of money he meant to leave off the thimbling +business, and enter Parliament; into which, he said, he could get at any +time, through the interest of a friend of his, a Tory Peer--my Lord +Whitefeather, with whom, he said, he had occasionally done business. With +the table, and other things which I had taken, I commenced trade on my +own account, having contrived to learn a few of his tricks. My only +capital was the change for half-a-guinea, which he had once let fall, and +which I picked up, which was all I could ever get from him: for it was +impossible to stale any money from him, he was so awake, being up to all +the tricks of thaives, having followed the diving trade, as he called it, +for a considerable time. My wish was to make enough by my table to +enable me to return with credit to ould Ireland, where I had no doubt of +being able to get myself ordained as priest; and, in troth, +notwithstanding I was a beginner, and without any companion to help me, I +did tolerably well, getting my meat and drink, and increasing my small +capital, till I came to this unlucky place of Horncastle, where I was +utterly ruined by the thaif in the rider's dress. And now, Shorsha, I am +after telling you my history; perhaps you will now be telling me +something about yourself?" + +I told Murtagh all about myself that I deemed necessary to relate, and +then asked him what he intended to do; he repeated that he was utterly +ruined, and that he had no prospect before him but starving, or making +away with himself. I inquired "How much would take him to Ireland, and +establish him there with credit." "Five pounds," he answered, adding, +"but who in the world would be fool enough to lend me five pounds, unless +it be yourself, Shorsha, who, may be, have not got it; for when you told +me about yourself, you made no boast of the state of your affairs." "I +am not very rich," I replied, "but I think I can accommodate you with +what you want. I consider myself under great obligations to you, +Murtagh; it was you who instructed me in the language of Oilein nan +Naomha, which has been the foundation of all my acquisitions in +philology; without you I should not be what I am--Lavengro! which +signifies a philologist. Here is the money, Murtagh," said I, putting my +hand into my pocket and taking out five pounds; "much good may it do +you." He took the money, stared at it, and then at me--"And you mane to +give me this, Shorsha?" "It is no longer mine to give," said I; "it is +yours." "And you give it me for the gratitude you bear me?" "Yes," said +I, "and for Dungarvon times of old." "Well, Shorsha," said he, "you are +a broth of a boy, and I'll take your benefaction--five pounds! och, +Jasus!" He then put the money in his pocket, and springing up, waved his +hat three times, uttering some old Irish cry; then, sitting down, he took +my hand and said, "Sure, Shorsha, I'll be going thither; and when I get +there, it is turning over another leaf I will be; I have learnt a thing +or two abroad; I will become a priest; that's the trade, Shorsha! and I +will cry out for repale; that's the cry, Shorsha! and I'll be a fool no +longer." "And what will you do with your table?" said I. "'Faith, I'll +be taking it with me, Shorsha; and when I gets to Ireland, I'll get it +mended, and I will keep it in the house which I shall have; and when I +looks upon it, I will be thinking of all I have undergone." "You had +better leave it behind you," said I; "if you take it with you, you will +perhaps take up the thimble trade again before you get to Ireland, and +lose the money I am after giving you." "No fear of that, Shorsha; never +will I play on that table again, Shorsha, till I get it mended, which +shall not be till I am a priest, and have a house in which to place it." + +Murtagh and I then went into the town, where we had some refreshment +together, and then parted on our several ways. I heard nothing of him +for nearly a quarter of a century, when a person who knew him well, +coming from Ireland, and staying at my humble house, told me a great deal +about him. He reached Ireland in safety, soon reconciled himself with +his Church, and was ordained a priest; in the priestly office he +acquitted himself in a way very satisfactory, upon the whole, to his +superiors, having, as he frequently said, learned wisdom abroad. The +Popish Church never fails to turn to account any particular gift which +its servants may possess; and discovering soon that Murtagh was endowed +with considerable manual dexterity--proof of which he frequently gave at +cards, and at a singular game which he occasionally played with +thimbles--it selected him as a very fit person to play the part of +exorcist; and accordingly he travelled through a great part of Ireland, +casting out devils from people possessed, which he afterwards exhibited, +sometimes in the shape of rabbits, and occasionally birds and fish. There +is a holy island in a lake in Ireland, to which the people resort at a +particular season of the year. Here Murtagh frequently attended, and it +was here that he performed a cure which will cause his name long to be +remembered in Ireland, delivering a possessed woman of two demons, which +he brandished aloft in his hands, in the shape of two large eels, and +subsequently hurled into the lake, amidst the shouts of an enthusiastic +multitude. Besides playing the part of an exorcist, he acted that of a +politician with considerable success; he attached himself to the party of +the sire of agitation--"the man of paunch," and preached and hallooed for +repeal with the loudest and best, as long as repeal was the cry; as soon, +however, as the Whigs attained the helm of Government, and the greater +part of the loaves and fishes--more politely termed the patronage of +Ireland--was placed at the disposition of the priesthood, the tone of +Murtagh, like that of the rest of his brother saggarts, was considerably +softened; he even went so far as to declare that politics were not +altogether consistent with sacerdotal duty; and resuming his exorcisms, +which he had for some time abandoned, he went to the Isle of Holiness, +and delivered a possessed woman of six demons in the shape of white mice. +He, however, again resumed the political mantle in the year 1848, during +the short period of the rebellion of the so-called Young Irelanders. The +priests, though they apparently sided with this party, did not approve of +it, as it was chiefly formed of ardent young men, fond of what they +termed liberty, and by no means admirers of priestly domination, being +mostly Protestants. Just before the outbreak of this rebellion, it was +determined between the priests and the . . ., that this party should be +rendered comparatively innocuous by being deprived of the sinews of +war--in other words, certain sums of money which they had raised for +their enterprise. Murtagh was deemed the best qualified person in +Ireland to be entrusted with the delicate office of getting their money +from them. Having received his instructions, he invited the leaders to +his parsonage amongst the mountains, under pretence of deliberating with +them about what was to be done. They arrived there just before +nightfall, dressed in red, yellow, and green, the colours so dear to +enthusiastic Irishmen; Murtagh received them with great apparent +cordiality, and entered into a long discourse with them, promising them +the assistance of himself and order, and received from them a profusion +of thanks. After a time Murtagh, observing in a jocular tone that +consulting was dull work, proposed a game of cards, and the leaders, +though somewhat surprised, assenting, he went to a closet, and taking out +a pack of cards, laid it upon the table; it was a strange dirty pack, and +exhibited every mark of having seen very long service. On one of his +guests making some remarks on the "ancientness" of its appearance, +Murtagh observed that there was a very wonderful history attached to that +pack; it had been presented to him, he said, by a young gentleman, a +disciple of his, to whom, in Dungarvon times of yore, he had taught the +Irish language, and of whom he related some very extraordinary things; he +added that he, Murtagh, had taken it to . . ., where it had once the +happiness of being in the hands of the Holy Father; by a great +misfortune, he did not say what, he had lost possession of it, and had +returned without it, but had some time since recovered it; a nephew of +his, who was being educated at . . . for a priest, having found it in a +nook of the college, and sent it to him. + +Murtagh and the leaders then played various games with this pack, more +especially one called by the initiated "blind hookey," the result being +that at the end of about two hours the leaders found they had lost one- +half of their funds; they now looked serious, and talked of leaving the +house, but Murtagh begging them to stay to supper, they consented. After +supper, at which the guests drank rather freely, Murtagh said that, as he +had not the least wish to win their money, he intended to give them their +revenge; he would not play at cards with them, he added, but at a funny +game of thimbles, at which they would be sure of winning back their own; +then going out, he brought in a table, tall and narrow, on which placing +certain thimbles and a pea, he proposed that they should stake whatever +they pleased on the almost certainty of finding the pea under the +thimbles. The leaders, after some hesitation, consented, and were at +first eminently successful, winning back the greater part of what they +had lost; after some time, however, Fortune, or rather Murtagh, turned +against them, and then instead of leaving off, they doubled and trebled +their stakes, and continued doing so until they had lost nearly the whole +of their funds. Quite furious, they now swore that Murtagh had cheated +them, and insisted on having their property restored to them. Murtagh, +without a word of reply, went to the door, and shouting into the passage +something in Irish, the room was instantly filled with bogtrotters, each +at least six feet high, with a stout shillealah in his hand. Murtagh +then, turning to his guests, asked them what they meant by insulting an +anointed priest; telling them that it was not for the likes of them to +avenge the wrongs of Ireland. "I have been clane mistaken in the whole +of ye," said he; "I supposed ye Irish, but have found, to my sorrow, that +ye are nothing of the kind; purty fellows to pretend to be Irish, when +there is not a word of Irish on the tongue of any of ye, divil a +ha'porth; the illigant young gentleman to whom I taught Irish, in +Dungarvon times of old, though not born in Ireland, has more Irish in him +than any ten of ye. He is the boy to avenge the wrongs of Ireland, if +ever foreigner is to do it." Then saying something to the bogtrotters, +they instantly cleared the room of the young Irelanders, who retired +sadly disconcerted; nevertheless, being very silly young fellows, they +hoisted the standard of rebellion; few, however, joining them, partly +because they had no money, and partly because the priests abused them +with might and main, their rebellion ended in a lamentable manner; +themselves being seized and tried, and though convicted, not deemed of +sufficient importance to be sent to the scaffold, where they might have +had the satisfaction of saying-- + + "Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori." + +My visitor, after saying that of the money won, Murtagh retained a +considerable portion, that a part went to the hierarchy for what were +called church purposes, and that the . . . took the remainder, which it +employed in establishing a newspaper, in which the private characters of +the worthiest and most loyal Protestants in Ireland were traduced and +vilified, concluded his account by observing, that it was the common +belief that Murtagh, having by his services, ecclesiastical and +political, acquired the confidence of the priesthood and favour of the +Government, would, on the first vacancy, be appointed to the high office +of Popish Primate of Ireland. + + + + +CHAPTER XLVII. + + +DEPARTURE FROM HORNCASTLE--RECRUITING SERGEANT--KAULOES AND LOLLOES. + +Leaving Horncastle, I bent my steps in the direction of the east. I +walked at a brisk rate, and late in the evening reached a large town, +situate at the entrance of an extensive firth, or arm of the sea, which +prevented my farther progress eastward. Sleeping that night in the +suburbs of the town, I departed early next morning in the direction of +the south. A walk of about twenty miles brought me to another large +town, situated on a river, where I again turned towards the east. At the +end of the town I was accosted by a fiery-faced individual, somewhat +under the middle size, dressed as a recruiting sergeant. + +"Young man," said the recruiting sergeant, "you are just the kind of +person to serve the Honourable East India Company." + +"I had rather the Honourable Company should serve me," said I. + +"Of course, young man. Well, the Honourable East India Company shall +serve you--that's reasonable. Here, take this shilling; 'tis service- +money. The Honourable Company engages to serve you, and you the +Honourable Company; both parties shall be thus served; that's just and +reasonable." + +"And what must I do for the Company?" + +"Only go to India; that's all." + +"And what should I do in India?" + +"Fight, my brave boy! fight, my youthful hero!" + +"What kind of country is India?" + +"The finest country in the world! Rivers, bigger than the Ouse. Hills, +higher than anything near Spalding! Trees--you never saw such trees! +Fruits--you never saw such fruits!" + +"And the people--what kind of folk are they?" + +"Pah! Kauloes--blacks--a set of rascals not worth regarding." + +"Kauloes!" said I; "blacks!" + +"Yes," said the recruiting sergeant; "and they call us lolloes, which, in +their beastly gibberish, means reds." + +"Lolloes!" said I; "reds!" + +"Yes," said the recruiting sergeant, "kauloes and lolloes; and all the +lolloes have to do is to kick and cut down the kauloes, and take from +them their rupees, which mean silver money. Why do you stare so?" + +"Why," said I, "this is the very language of Mr. Petulengro." + +"Mr. Pet . . .?" + +"Yes," said I, "and Tawno Chikno." + +"Tawno Chik . . .? I say, young fellow, I don't like your way of +speaking; no, nor your way of looking. You are mad, sir; you are mad; +and what's this? Why, your hair is grey! You won't do for the +Honourable Company--they like red. I'm glad I didn't give you the +shilling. Good day to you." + +"I shouldn't wonder," said I, as I proceeded rapidly along a broad +causeway, in the direction of the east, "if Mr. Petulengro and Tawno +Chikno came originally from India. I think I'll go there." + + + + +APPENDIX. + + +CHAPTER I. A WORD FOR LAVENGRO. + + +Lavengro is the history up to a certain period of one of rather a +peculiar mind and system of nerves, with an exterior shy and cold, under +which lurk much curiosity, especially with regard to what is wild and +extraordinary, a considerable quantity of energy and industry, and an +unconquerable love of independence. It narrates his earliest dreams and +feelings, dwells with minuteness on the ways, words, and characters of +his father, mother, and brother, lingers on the occasional resting-places +of his wandering, half-military childhood, describes the gradual +hardening of his bodily frame by robust exercises, his successive +struggles, after his family and himself have settled down in a small +local capital, to obtain knowledge of every kind, but more particularly +philological lore; his visits to the tent of the Romany chal, and the +parlour of the Anglo-German philosopher; the effect produced upon his +character by his flinging himself into contact with people all widely +differing from each other, but all extraordinary; his reluctance to +settle down to the ordinary pursuits of life; his struggles after moral +truth; his glimpses of God and the obscuration of the Divine Being to his +mind's eye; and his being cast upon the world of London by the death of +his father, at the age of nineteen. In the world within a world, the +world of London, it shows him playing his part for some time as he best +can, in the capacity of a writer for reviews and magazines, and describes +what he saw and underwent whilst labouring in that capacity; it +represents him, however, as never forgetting that he is the son of a +brave but poor gentleman, and that if he is a hack author, he is likewise +a scholar. It shows him doing no dishonourable jobs, and proves that if +he occasionally associates with low characters, he does so chiefly to +gratify the curiosity of a scholar. + +In his conversations with the apple-woman of London Bridge, the scholar +is ever apparent, so again in his acquaintance with the man of the table, +for the book is no raker up of the uncleanness of London, and if it gives +what at first sight appears refuse, it invariably shows that a pearl of +some kind, generally a philological one, is contained amongst it; it +shows its hero always accompanied by his love of independence, scorning +in the greatest poverty to receive favours from anybody, and describes +him finally rescuing himself from peculiarly miserable circumstances by +writing a book, an original book, within a week, even as Johnson is said +to have written his "Rasselas," and Beckford his "Vathek," and tells how, +leaving London, he betakes himself to the roads and fields. + +In the country it shows him leading a life of roving adventure, becoming +tinker, gypsy, postillion, ostler; associating with various kinds of +people, chiefly of the lower classes, whose ways and habits are +described; but, though leading this erratic life, we gather from the book +that his habits are neither vulgar nor vicious, that he still follows to +a certain extent his favourite pursuits, hunting after strange +characters, or analysing strange words and names. At the conclusion of +Chapter XLVII., which terminates the first part of the history, it hints +that he is about to quit his native land on a grand philological +expedition. + +Those who read this book with attention--and the author begs to observe +that it would be of little utility to read it hurriedly--may derive much +information with respect to matters of philology and literature; it will +be found treating of most of the principal languages from Ireland to +China, and of the literature which they contain; and it is particularly +minute with regard to the ways, manners, and speech of the English +section of the most extraordinary and mysterious clan or tribe of people +to be found in the whole world--the children of Roma. But it contains +matters of much more importance than anything in connection with +philology, and the literature and manners of nations. Perhaps no work +was ever offered to the public in which the kindness and providence of +God have been set forth by more striking examples, or the machinations of +priestcraft been more truly and lucidly exposed, or the dangers which +result to a nation when it abandons itself to effeminacy, and a rage for +what is novel and fashionable, than the present. + +With respect to the kindness and providence of God, are they not +exemplified in the case of the old apple-woman and her son. These are +beings in many points bad, but with warm affections, who, after an +agonising separation, are restored to each other, but not until the +hearts of both are changed and purified by the influence of affliction. +Are they not exemplified in the case of the rich gentleman, who touches +objects in order to avert the evil chance? This being has great gifts +and many amiable qualities, but does not everybody see that his besetting +sin is selfishness. He fixes his mind on certain objects, and takes +inordinate interest in them, because they are his own, and those very +objects, through the providence of God, which is kindness in disguise, +become snakes and scorpions to whip him. Tired of various pursuits, he +at last becomes an author, and publishes a book, which is very much +admired, and which he loves with his usual inordinate affection; the +book, consequently, becomes a viper to him, and at last he flings it +aside and begins another; the book, however, is not flung aside by the +world, who are benefited by it, deriving pleasure and knowledge from it; +so the man who merely wrote to gratify self, has already done good to +others, and got himself an honourable name. But God will not allow that +man to put that book under his head and use it as a pillow: the book has +become a viper to him, he has banished it, and is about another, which he +finishes and gives to the world; it is a better book than the first, and +every one is delighted with it; but it proves to the writer a scorpion, +because he loves it with inordinate affection; but it was good for the +world that he produced this book, which stung him as a scorpion. Yes; +and good for himself, for the labour of writing it amused him, and +perhaps prevented him from dying of apoplexy; but the book is banished, +and another is begun, and herein, again, is the providence of God +manifested; the man has the power of producing still, and God determines +that he shall give to the world what remains in his brain, which he would +not do, had he been satisfied with the second work; he would have gone to +sleep upon that as he would upon the first, for the man is selfish and +lazy. In his account of what he suffered during the composition of this +work, his besetting sin of selfishness is manifest enough; the work on +which he is engaged occupies his every thought, it is his idol, his +deity, it shall be all his own, he won't borrow a thought from any one +else; and he is so afraid lest, when he publishes it, that it should be +thought that he had borrowed from any one, that he is continually +touching objects, his nervous system, owing to his extreme selfishness, +having become partly deranged. He is left touching, in order to banish +the evil chance from his book, his deity. No more of his history is +given; but does the reader think that God will permit that man to go to +sleep on his third book, however extraordinary it may be? Assuredly not. +God will not permit that man to rest till he has cured him to a certain +extent of his selfishness, which has, however, hitherto been very useful +to the world. + +Then, again, in the tale of Peter Williams, is not the hand of Providence +to be seen? This person commits a sin in his childhood, utters words of +blasphemy, the remembrance of which, in after life, preying upon his +imagination, unfits him for quiet pursuits, to which he seems to have +been naturally inclined; but for the remembrance of that sin, he would +have been Peter Williams the quiet, respectable Welsh farmer, somewhat +fond of reading the ancient literature of his country in winter evenings, +after his work was done. God, however, was aware that there was +something in Peter Williams to entitle him to assume a higher calling; he +therefore permits this sin, which, though a childish affair, was yet a +sin and committed deliberately, to prey upon his mind till he becomes at +last an instrument in the hand of God, a humble Paul, the great preacher, +Peter Williams, who, though he considers himself a reprobate and a +castaway, instead of having recourse to drinking in mad desperation, as +many do who consider themselves reprobates, goes about Wales and England +preaching the word of God, dilating on His power and majesty, and +visiting the sick and afflicted, until God sees fit to restore to him his +peace of mind; which He does not do, however, until that mind is in a +proper condition to receive peace, till it has been purified by the pain +of the one idea which has so long been permitted to riot in his brain; +which pain, however, an angel, in the shape of a gentle, faithful wife, +had occasionally alleviated; for God is merciful even in the blows which +He bestoweth, and will not permit any one to be tempted beyond the +measure which he can support. And here it will be as well for the reader +to ponder upon the means by which the Welsh preacher is relieved from his +mental misery: he is not relieved by a text from the Bible, by the words +of consolation and wisdom addressed to him by his angel-minded wife, nor +by the preaching of one yet more eloquent than himself; but by a +quotation made by Lavengro from the life of Mary Flanders, cut-purse and +prostitute, which life Lavengro had been in the habit of reading at the +stall of his old friend the apple-woman, on London Bridge, who had +herself been very much addicted to the perusal of it, though without any +profit whatever. Should the reader be dissatisfied with the manner in +which Peter Williams is made to find relief, the author would wish to +answer, that the Almighty frequently accomplishes His purposes by means +which appear very singular to the eyes of men, and at the same time to +observe that the manner in which that relief is obtained, is calculated +to read a lesson to the proud, fanciful, and squeamish, who are ever in a +fidget lest they should be thought to mix in low society, or to bestow a +moment's attention on publications which are not what is called of a +perfectly unobjectionable character. Had not Lavengro formed the +acquaintance of the old apple-woman on London Bridge, he would not have +had an opportunity of reading the life of Mary Flanders; and, +consequently, of storing in a memory which never forgets anything, a +passage which contained a balm for the agonised mind of poor Peter +Williams. The best medicines are not always found in the finest shops. +Suppose, for example, if, instead of going to London Bridge to read, he +had gone to Albemarle Street, and had received from the proprietors of +the literary establishment in that very fashionable street permission to +read the publications on the tables of the saloons there, does the reader +think he would have met any balm in those publications for the case of +Peter Williams? does the reader suppose that he would have found Mary +Flanders there? He would certainly have found that highly +unobjectionable publication, "Rasselas," and the "Spectator," or "Lives +of Royal and Illustrious Personages," but, of a surety, no Mary Flanders; +so when Lavengro met with Peter Williams, he would have been unprovided +with a balm to cure his ulcerated mind, and have parted from him in a way +not quite so satisfactory as the manner in which he took his leave of +him; for it is certain that he might have read "Rasselas," and all the +other unexceptionable works to be found in the library of Albemarle +Street, over and over again, before he would have found any cure in them +for the case of Peter Williams. Therefore the author requests the reader +to drop any squeamish nonsense he may wish to utter about Mary Flanders, +and the manner in which Peter Williams was cured. + +And now with respect to the old man who knew Chinese, but could not tell +what was o'clock. This individual was a man whose natural powers would +have been utterly buried and lost beneath a mountain of sloth and +laziness, had not God determined otherwise. He had in his early years +chalked out for himself a plan of life in which he had his own ease and +self-indulgence solely in view; he had no particular bad passions to +gratify, he only wished to lead an easy, quiet life, just as if the +business of this mighty world could be carried on by innocent people fond +of ease and quiet, or that Providence would permit innocent, quiet drones +to occupy any portion of the earth and to cumber it. God had at any rate +decreed that this man should not cumber it as a drone. He brings a +certain affliction upon him, the agony of which produces that terrible +whirling of the brain which, unless it is stopped in time, produces +madness; he suffers indescribable misery for a period, until one morning +his attention is arrested, and his curiosity is aroused, by certain +Chinese letters on a teapot; his curiosity increases more and more, and, +of course, in proportion as his curiosity is increased with respect to +the Chinese marks, the misery in his brain, produced by his mental +affliction, decreases. He sets about learning Chinese, and after the +lapse of many years, during which his mind subsides into a certain state +of tranquillity, he acquires sufficient knowledge of Chinese to be able +to translate with ease the inscriptions to be found on its singular +crockery. Yes, the laziest of human beings, through the providence of +God, a being too of rather inferior capacity, acquires the written part +of a language so difficult that, as Lavengro said on a former occasion, +none but the cleverest people in Europe, the French, are able to acquire +it. But God did not intend that man should merely acquire Chinese. He +intended that he should be of use to his species, and by the +instrumentality of the first Chinese inscription which he translates, the +one which first arrested his curiosity, he is taught the duties of +hospitality; yes, by means of an inscription in the language of a people +who have scarcely an idea of hospitality themselves, God causes the +slothful man to play a useful and beneficent part in the world, relieving +distressed wanderers, and, amongst others, Lavengro himself. But a +striking indication of the man's surprising sloth is still apparent in +what he omits to do; he has learnt Chinese, the most difficult of +languages, and he practises acts of hospitality, because he believes +himself enjoined to do so by the Chinese inscription, but he cannot tell +the hour of the day by the clock within his house; he can get on, he +thinks, very well without being able to do so; therefore, from this one +omission, it is easy to come to a conclusion as to what a sluggard's part +the man would have played in life, but for the dispensation of +Providence; nothing but extreme agony could have induced such a man to do +anything useful. He still continues, with all he has acquired, with all +his usefulness, and with all his innocence of character, without any +proper sense of religion, though he has attained a rather advanced age. +If it be observed that this want of religion is a great defect in the +story, the author begs leave to observe that he cannot help it. Lavengro +relates the lives of people so far as they were placed before him, but no +farther. It was certainly a great defect in so good a man to be without +religion; it was likewise a great defect in so learned a man not to be +able to tell what was o'clock. It is probable that God, in his loving +kindness, will not permit that man to go out of the world without +religion; who knows but some powerful minister of the Church, full of +zeal for the glory of God, will illume that man's dark mind; perhaps some +clergyman will come to the parish who will visit him and teach him his +duty to his God. Yes, it is very probable that such a man, before he +dies, will have been made to love his God; whether he will ever learn to +know what's o'clock, is another matter. It is probable that he will go +out of the world without knowing what's o'clock. It is not so necessary +to be able to tell the time of day by the clock as to know one's God +through his inspired word; a man cannot get to heaven without religion, +but a man can get there very comfortably without knowing what's o'clock. + +But, above all, the care and providence of God are manifested in the case +of Lavengro himself, by the manner in which he is enabled to make his way +in the world up to a certain period, without falling a prey either to +vice or poverty. In his history there is a wonderful illustration of +part of the text quoted by his mother, "I have been young, and now am +old, yet never saw I the righteous forsaken, or his seed begging bread." +He is the son of good and honourable parents, but at the critical period +of life, that of entering into the world, he finds himself without any +earthly friend to help him, yet he manages to make his way; he does not +become a Captain in the Life Guards, it is true, nor does he get into +Parliament, nor does the last chapter conclude in the most satisfactory +and unobjectionable manner, by his marrying a dowager countess, as that +wise man Addison did, or by his settling down as a great country +gentleman, perfectly happy and contented, like the very moral Roderick +Random, or the equally estimable Peregrine Pickle; he is hack author, +gypsy, tinker, and postillion, yet, upon the whole, he seems to be quite +as happy as the younger sons of most earls, to have as high feelings of +honour; and when the reader loses sight of him, he has money in his +pocket honestly acquired, to enable him to commence a journey quite as +laudable as those which the younger sons of earls generally undertake. +Surely all this is a manifestation of the kindness and providence of God: +and yet he is not a religious person; up to the time when the reader +loses sight of him, he is decidedly not a religious person; he has +glimpses, it is true, of that God who does not forsake him, but he prays +very seldom, is not fond of going to church; and, though he admires Tate +and Brady's version of the Psalms, his admiration is rather caused by the +beautiful poetry which that version contains than the religion; yet his +tale is not finished--like the tale of the gentleman who touched objects, +and that of the old man who knew Chinese without knowing what was +o'clock; perhaps, like them, he is destined to become religious, and to +have, instead of occasional glimpses, frequent and distinct views of his +God; yet, though he may become religious, it is hardly to be expected +that he will become a very precise and strait-laced person; it is +probable that he will retain, with his scholarship, something of his +gypsyism, his predilection for the hammer and tongs, and perhaps some +inclination to put on certain gloves, not white kid, with any friend who +may be inclined for a little old English diversion, and a readiness to +take a glass of ale, with plenty of malt in it, and as little hop as may +well be--ale at least two years old--with the aforesaid friend, when the +diversion is over; for, as it is the belief of the writer that a person +may get to heaven very comfortably without knowing what's o'clock, so it +is his belief that he will not be refused admission there because to the +last he has been fond of healthy and invigorating exercises, and felt a +willingness to partake of any of the good things which it pleases the +Almighty to put within the reach of His children during their sojourn +upon earth. + + + +CHAPTER II. ON PRIESTCRAFT. + + +The writer will now say a few words about priestcraft, and the +machinations of Rome, and will afterwards say something about himself, +and his motives for writing against them. + +With respect to Rome and her machinations, much valuable information can +be obtained from particular parts of Lavengro and its sequel. Shortly +before the time when the hero of the book is launched into the world, the +Popish agitation in England had commenced. The Popish propaganda had +determined to make a grand attempt on England; Popish priests were +scattered over the land, doing the best they could to make converts to +the old superstition. With the plans of Rome, and her hopes, and the +reasons on which those hopes are grounded, the hero of the book becomes +acquainted during an expedition which he makes into the country, from +certain conversations which he holds with a priest in a dingle, in which +the hero had taken up his residence; he likewise learns from the same +person much of the secret history of the Roman See, and many matters +connected with the origin and progress of the Popish superstition. The +individual with whom he holds these conversations is a learned, +intelligent, but highly-unprincipled person, of a character however very +common amongst the priests of Rome, who in general are people void of all +religion, and who, notwithstanding they are tied to Rome by a band which +they have neither the power nor wish to break, turn her and her +practices, over their cups with their confidential associates, to a +ridicule only exceeded by that to which they turn those who become the +dupes of their mistress and themselves. + +It is now necessary that the writer should say something with respect to +himself, and his motives for waging war against Rome. First of all, with +respect to himself, he wishes to state, that to the very last moment of +his life, he will do and say all that in his power may be to hold up to +contempt and execration the priestcraft and practices of Rome; there is, +perhaps, no person better acquainted than himself, not even among the +choicest spirits of the priesthood, with the origin and history of +Popery. From what he saw and heard of Popery in England, at a very early +period of his life, his curiosity was aroused, and he spared himself no +trouble, either by travel or study, to make himself well acquainted with +it in all its phases, the result being a hatred of it, which he hopes and +trusts he shall retain till the moment when his spirit quits the body. +Popery is the great lie of the world; a source from which more misery and +social degradation have flowed upon the human race, than from all the +other sources from which those evils come. It is the oldest of all +superstitions; and though in Europe it assumes the name of Christianity, +it existed and flourished amidst the Himalayan hills at least two +thousand years before the real Christ was born in Bethlehem of Judaea; in +a word, it is Buddhism; and let those who may be disposed to doubt this +assertion, compare the Popery of Rome, and the superstitious practices of +its followers, with the doings of the priests who surround the grand +Lama; and the mouthings, bellowing, turnings round, and, above all, the +penances of the followers of Buddh with those of Roman devotees. But he +is not going to dwell here on this point; it is dwelt upon at tolerable +length in the text, and has likewise been handled with extraordinary +power by the pen of the gifted but irreligious Volney; moreover, the +_elite_ of the Roman priesthood are perfectly well aware that their +system is nothing but Buddhism under a slight disguise, and the European +world in general has entertained for some time past an inkling of the +fact. + +And now a few words with respect to the motives of the writer for +expressing a hatred for Rome. + +This expressed abhorrence of the author for Rome might be entitled to +little regard, provided it were possible to attribute it to any +self-interested motive. There have been professed enemies of Rome, or of +this or that system; but their professed enmity may frequently be traced +to some cause which does them little credit; but the writer of these +lines has no motive, and can have no motive, for his enmity to Rome, save +the abhorrence of an honest heart for what is false, base, and cruel. A +certain clergyman wrote with much heat against the Papists in the time of +. . ., who was known to favour the Papists, but was not expected to +continue long in office, and whose supposed successor, the person, +indeed, who did succeed him, was thought to be hostile to the Papists. +This divine, who obtained a rich benefice from the successor of . . ., +who during . . .'s time had always opposed him in everything he proposed +to do, and who, of course, during that time, affected to be very inimical +to Popery--this divine might well be suspected of having a motive equally +creditable for writing against the Papists, as that which induced him to +write for them, as soon as his patron, who eventually did something more +for him, had espoused their cause; but what motive, save an honest one, +can the present writer have for expressing an abhorrence of Popery? He +is no clergyman, and consequently can expect neither benefices nor +bishoprics, supposing it were the fashion of the present, or likely to be +the fashion of any future administration, to reward clergymen with +benefices or bishoprics, who, in the defence of the religion of their +country, write, or shall write, against Popery, and not to reward those +who write, or shall write, in favour of it and all its nonsense and +abominations. + +"But if not a clergyman, he is the servant of a certain society, which +has the overthrow of Popery in view, and therefore," etc. This +assertion, which has been frequently made, is incorrect, even as those +who have made it probably knew it to be. He is the servant of no society +whatever. He eats his own bread, and is one of the very few men in +England who are independent in every sense of the word. + +It is true he went to Spain with the colours of that society on his +hat--oh! the blood glows in his veins! oh! the marrow awakes in his old +bones when he thinks of what he accomplished in Spain in the cause of +religion and civilisation with the colours of that society on his hat, +and its weapon in his hand, even the sword of the word of God; how with +that weapon he hewed left and right, making the priests fly before him, +and run away squeaking: "Vaya! que demonio es este!" Ay, and when he +thinks of the plenty of bible swords which he left behind him, destined +to prove, and which have already proved, pretty calthrops in the heels of +Popery. "Halloo! Batuschca," he exclaimed the other night, on reading +an article in a newspaper; "what do you think of the present doings in +Spain? Your old friend the zingaro, the gitano who rode about Spain, to +say nothing of Galicia, with the Greek Buchini behind him as his squire, +had a hand in bringing them about; there are many brave Spaniards +connected with the present movement who took bibles from his hands, and +read them and profited by them, learning from the inspired page the +duties of one man towards another, and the real value of a priesthood and +their head, who set at nought the word of God, and think only of their +own temporal interests; ay, and who learned Gitano--their own Gitano--from +the lips of the London Caloro, and also songs in the said Gitano, very +fit to dumbfounder your semi-Buddhist priests when they attempt to +bewilder people's minds with their school-logic and pseudo-ecclesiastical +nonsense, songs such as-- + + "Un Erajai + Sinaba chibando un sermon . . ." + +--But with that society he has long since ceased to have any connection; +he bade it adieu with feelings of love and admiration more than fourteen +years ago; so, in continuing to assault Popery, no hopes of interest +founded on that society can sway his mind--interest! who, with worldly +interest in view, would ever have anything to do with that society? It +is poor, and supported, like its founder Christ, by poor people; and so +far from having political influence, it is in such disfavour, and has +ever been, with the dastardly great, to whom the government of England +has for many years past been confided, that the having borne its colours +only for a month would be sufficient to exclude any man, whatever his +talents, his learning, or his courage may be, from the slightest chance +of being permitted to serve his country either for fee or without. A +fellow who unites in himself the bankrupt trader, the broken author, or +rather book-maker, and the laughed-down single speech spouter of the +House of Commons, may look forward, always supposing that at one time he +has been a foaming radical, to the government of an important colony. Ay, +an ancient fox who has lost his tail may, provided he has a score of +radical friends, who will swear that he can bark Chinese, though Chinese +is not barked but sung, be forced upon a Chinese colony, though it is +well known that to have lost one's tail is considered by the Chinese in +general as an irreparable infamy, whilst to have been once connected with +a certain society, to which, to its honour be it said, all the radical +party are vehemently hostile, would be quite sufficient to keep any one +not only from a government, but something much less, even though he could +translate the rhymed "Sessions of Hariri," and were versed, still +retaining his tail, in the two languages in which Kien-Loung wrote his +Eulogium on Moukden, that piece which, translated by Amyot, the learned +Jesuit, won the applause of the celebrated Voltaire. + +No! were the author influenced by hopes of fee or reward, he would, +instead of writing against Popery, write for it; all the trumpery +titled--he will not call them great again--would then be for him, and +their masters the radicals, with their hosts of newspapers, would be for +him, more especially if he would commence maligning the society whose +colours he had once on his hat--a society which, as the priest says in +the text, is one of the very few Protestant institutions for which the +Popish Church entertains any fear, and consequently respect, as it +respects nothing which it does not fear. The writer said that certain +"rulers" would never forgive him for having been connected with that +society; he went perhaps too far in saying "never." It is probable that +they would take him into favour on one condition, which is, that he +should turn his pen and his voice against that society; such a mark "of a +better way of thinking" would perhaps induce them to give him a +government, nearly as good as that which they gave to a certain ancient +radical fox at the intercession of his radical friends (who were bound to +keep him from the pauper's kennel), after he had promised to foam, bark, +and snarl at corruption no more; he might even entertain hopes of +succeeding, nay of superseding, the ancient creature in his government; +but even were he as badly off as he is well off he would do no such +thing. He would rather exist on crusts and water; he has often done so +and been happy; nay, he would rather starve than be a rogue--for even the +feeling of starvation is happiness compared with what he feels who knows +himself to be a rogue, provided he has any feeling at all. What is the +use of a mitre or a knighthood to a man who has betrayed his principles? +What is the use of a gilt collar, nay, even of a pair of scarlet +breeches, to a fox who has lost his tail? Oh! the horror which haunts +the mind of the fox who has lost his tail; and with reason, for his very +mate loathes him, and more especially if, like himself, she has lost her +brush. Oh! the horror which haunts the mind of the two-legged rogue who +has parted with his principles, or those which he professed--for what? +We'll suppose a government. What's the use of a government, if, the next +day after you have received it, you are obliged for very shame to scurry +off to it with the hoot of every honest man sounding in your ears? + + "Lightly liar leaped and away ran." + --PIERS PLOWMAN. + +But bigotry, it has been said, makes the author write against Popery; and +thorough-going bigotry, indeed, will make a person say or do anything. +But the writer is a very pretty bigot truly! Where will the public find +traces of bigotry in anything he has written? He has written against +Rome with all his heart, with all his mind, with all his soul, and with +all his strength; but as a person may be quite honest and speak and write +against Rome in like manner he may speak and write against her and be +quite free from bigotry; though it is impossible for any one but a bigot +or a bad man to write or speak in her praise; her doctrines, actions, and +machinations being what they are. + +Bigotry! The author was born, and has always continued, in the wrong +church for bigotry, the quiet, unpretending Church of England; a church +which, had it been a bigoted church, and not long-suffering almost to a +fault, might with its opportunities, as the priest says in the text, have +stood in a very different position from that which it occupies at +present. No! let those who are in search of bigotry seek for it in a +church very different from the inoffensive Church of England, which never +encourages cruelty or calumny. Let them seek for it amongst the members +of the Church of Rome, and more especially amongst those who have +renegaded to it. There is nothing, however false and horrible, which a +pervert to Rome will not say for his church, and which his priests will +not encourage him in saying; and there is nothing, however horrible--the +more horrible indeed and revolting to human nature, the more eager he +would be to do it--which he will not do for it, and which his priests +will not encourage him in doing. + +Of the readiness which converts to Popery exhibit to sacrifice all the +ties of blood and affection on the shrine of their newly-adopted religion +there is a curious illustration in the work of Luigi Pulci. This man, +who was born at Florence in the year 1432, and who was deeply versed in +the Bible, composed a poem, called the "Morgante Maggiore," which he +recited at the table of Lorenzo de Medici, the great patron of Italian +genius. It is a mock-heroic and religious poem, in which the legends of +knight-errantry, and of the Popish Church, are turned to unbounded +ridicule. The pretended hero of it is a converted giant, called +Morgante; though his adventures do not occupy the twentieth part of the +poem, the principal personages being Charlemagne, Orlando, and his cousin +Rinaldo of Montalban. Morgante has two brothers, both of them giants, +and, in the first canto of the poem, Morgante is represented with his +brothers as carrying on a feud with the abbot and monks of a certain +convent, built upon the confines of heathenesse; the giants being in the +habit of flinging down stones, or rather huge rocks, on the convent. +Orlando, however, who is banished from the court of Charlemagne, arriving +at the convent, undertakes to destroy them, and accordingly kills +Passamonte and Alabastro, and converts Morgante, whose mind has been +previously softened by a vision, in which the "Blessed Virgin" figures. +No sooner is he converted than, as a sign of his penitence, what does he +do, but hastens and cuts off the hands of his two brothers, saying-- + + "Io vo' tagliar le mani a tutti quanti + E porterolle a que' monaci santi." + +And he does cut off the hands of his brethren, and carries them to the +abbot, who blesses him for so doing. Pulci here is holding up to +ridicule and execration the horrid butchery or betrayal of friends by +Popish converts, and the encouragement they receive from the priest. No +sooner is a person converted to Popery than his principal thought is how +he can bring the hands and feet of his brethren, however harmless they +may be, and different from the giants, to the "holy priests," who, if he +manages to do so, never fail to praise him, saying to the miserable +wretch, as the abbot said to Morgante:-- + + "Tu sarai or perfetto e vero amico + A Cristo, quanto tu gli eri nemico." + +Can the English public deny the justice of Pulci's illustration, after +something which it has lately witnessed? {311} Has it not seen +equivalents for the hands and feet of brothers carried by Popish perverts +to the "holy priests," and has it not seen the manner in which the +offering has been received? Let those who are in quest of bigotry seek +for it amongst the perverts to Rome, and not amongst those who, born in +the pale of the Church of England, have always continued in it. + + + +CHAPTER III. ON FOREIGN NONSENSE. + + +With respect to the third point, various lessons which the book reads to +the nation at large, and which it would be well for the nation to ponder +and profit by. + +There are many species of nonsense to which the nation is much addicted, +and of which the perusal of Lavengro ought to give them a wholesome +shame. First of all, with respect to the foreign nonsense so prevalent +now in England. The hero is a scholar; but, though possessed of a great +many tongues, he affects to be neither Frenchman nor German, nor this or +that foreigner; he is one who loves his country, and the language and +literature of his country, and speaks up for each and all when there is +occasion to do so. Now what is the case with nine out of ten amongst +those of the English who study foreign languages? No sooner have they +picked up a smattering of this or that speech than they begin to abuse +their own country and everything connected with it, more especially its +language. This is particularly the case with those who call themselves +German students. It is said, and the writer believes with truth, that +when a woman falls in love with a particularly ugly fellow, she squeezes +him with ten times more zest than she would a handsome one if captivated +by him. So it is with these German students; no sooner have they taken +German in hand than there is nothing like German. Oh, the dear, +delightful German! How proud am I that it is now my own, and that its +divine literature is within my reach! And all this whilst mumbling the +most uncouth speech, and crunching the most crabbed literature in Europe. +The writer is not an exclusive admirer of everything English; he does not +advise his country-people never to go abroad, never to study foreign +languages, and he does not wish to persuade them that there is nothing +beautiful or valuable in foreign literature; he only wishes that they +would not make themselves fools with respect to foreign people, foreign +languages or reading; that if they chance to have been in Spain, and have +picked up a little Spanish, they would not affect the airs of Spaniards; +that if males they would not make Tom-fools of themselves by sticking +cigars into their mouths, dressing themselves in zamarras, and saying, +carajo! {312} and if females that they would not make zanies of +themselves by sticking cigars into their mouths, flinging mantillas over +their heads, and by saying carai, and perhaps carajo too; or if they have +been in France or Italy, and have picked up a little French or Italian, +they would not affect to be French or Italians; and particularly, after +having been a month or two in Germany, or picked up a little German in +England, they would not make themselves foolish about everything German, +as the Anglo-German in the book does--a real character, the founder of +the Anglo-German school in England, and the cleverest Englishman who ever +talked or wrote encomiastic nonsense about Germany and the Germans. Of +all infatuations connected with what is foreign, the infatuation about +everything that is German, to a certain extent prevalent in England, is +assuredly the most ridiculous. One can find something like a palliation +for people making themselves somewhat foolish about particular languages, +literatures, and people. The Spanish certainly is a noble language, and +there is something wild and captivating in the Spanish character, and its +literature contains the grand book of the world. French is a manly +language. The French are the most martial people in the world; and +French literature is admirable in many respects. Italian is a sweet +language, and of beautiful simplicity--its literature perhaps the first +in the world. The Italians!--wonderful men have sprung up in Italy. +Italy is not merely famous for painters, poets, musicians, singers, and +linguists--the greatest linguist the world ever saw, the late Cardinal +Mezzofanti, was an Italian; but it is celebrated for men--men +emphatically speaking: Columbus was an Italian, Alexander Farnese was an +Italian, so was the mightiest of the mighty, Napoleon Bonaparte;--but the +German language, German literature, and the Germans! The writer has +already stated his opinion with respect to German; he does not speak from +ignorance or prejudice; he has heard German spoken, and many other +languages. German literature! he does not speak from ignorance; he has +read that and many a literature, and he repeats . . . however, he +acknowledges that there is one fine poem in the German language, that +poem is the "Oberon"; a poem, by-the-bye, ignored by the Germans--a +speaking fact--and of course by the Anglo-Germanists. The Germans! he +has been amongst them, and amongst many other nations, and confesses that +his opinion of the Germans, as men, is a very low one. Germany, it is +true, has produced one very great man, the monk who fought the pope, and +nearly knocked him down; but this man his countrymen--a telling +fact--affect to despise, and of course the Anglo-Germanists: the father +of Anglo-Germanism was very fond of inveighing against Luther. + +The madness, or rather foolery, of the English for foreign customs, +dresses, and languages, is not an affair of to-day or yesterday--it is of +very ancient date, and was very properly exposed nearly three centuries +ago by one Andrew Borde, who, under the picture of a "Naked man with a +pair of shears in one hand, and a roll of cloth in the other," {313} +inserted the following lines along with others:-- + + "I am an Englishman, and naked I stand here, + Musing in my mind what garment I shall weare; + For now I will weare this, and now I will weare that, + Now I will weare, I cannot tell what. + All new fashions be pleasant to mee, + I will have them, whether I thrive or thee; + What do I care if all the world me fail? + I will have a garment reach to my taile; + Then am I a minion, for I weare the new guise. + The next yeare after I hope to be wise, + Not only in wearing my gorgeous array, + For I will go to learning a whole summer's day; + I will learn Latine, Hebrew, Greek, and French, + And I will learn Dutch, sitting on my bench. + I had no peere if to myself I were true, + Because I am not so, divers times do I rue. + Yet I lacke nothing, I have all things at will + If I were wise and would hold myself still, + And meddle with no matters but to me pertaining, + But ever to be true to God and my king. + But I have such matters rowling in my pate, + That I will and do . . . I cannot tell what," etc. + + + +CHAPTER IV. ON GENTILITY NONSENSE--ILLUSTRATIONS OF GENTILITY. + + +What is gentility? People in different stations in England entertain +different ideas of what is genteel, {314} but it must be something +gorgeous, glittering, or tawdry, to be considered genteel by any of them. +The beau-ideal of the English aristocracy, of course with some +exceptions, is some young fellow with an imperial title, a military +personage of course, for what is military is so particularly genteel, +with flaming epaulets, a cocked hat and a plume, a prancing charger, and +a band of fellows called generals and colonels, with flaming epaulets, +cocked hats and plumes, and prancing chargers, vapouring behind him. It +was but lately that the daughter of an English marquis was heard to say, +that the sole remaining wish of her heart--she had known misfortunes, and +was not far from fifty--was to be introduced to--whom? The Emperor of +Austria! The sole remaining wish of the heart of one who ought to have +been thinking of the grave and judgment, was to be introduced to the +miscreant who had caused the blood of noble Hungarian females to be +whipped out of their shoulders, for no other crime than devotion to their +country, and its tall and heroic sons. The middle classes--of course +there are some exceptions--admire the aristocracy, and consider them +pinks, the aristocracy who admire the Emperor of Austria, and adored the +Emperor of Russia, till he became old, ugly, and unfortunate, when their +adoration instantly terminated; for what is more ungenteel than age, +ugliness, and misfortune! The beau-ideal with those of the lower +classes, with peasants and mechanics, is some flourishing railroad +contractor: look, for example, how they worship Mr. Flamson. This person +makes his grand _debut_ in the year thirty-nine, at a public meeting in +the principal room of a country inn. He has come into the neighbourhood +with the character of a man worth a million pounds, who is to make +everybody's fortune; at this time, however, he is not worth a shilling of +his own, though he flashes about dexterously three or four thousand +pounds, part of which sum he has obtained by specious pretences, and part +from certain individuals who are his confederates. But in the year forty- +nine, he is really in possession of the fortune which he and his agents +pretended he was worth ten years before--he is worth a million pounds. By +what means has he come by them? By railroad contracts, for which he +takes care to be paid in hard cash before he attempts to perform them, +and to carry out which he makes use of the sweat and blood of wretches +who, since their organisation, have introduced crimes and language into +England to which it was previously almost a stranger--by purchasing, with +paper, shares by hundreds in the schemes to execute which he contracts, +and which are of his own devising; which shares he sells as soon as they +are at a high premium, to which they are speedily forced by means of +paragraphs, inserted by himself and agents, in newspapers devoted to his +interest, utterly reckless of the terrible depreciation to which they are +almost instantly subjected. But he is worth a million pounds, there can +be no doubt of the fact--he has not made people's fortunes, at least +those whose fortunes it was said he would make; he has made them away: +but his own he has made, emphatically made it; he is worth a million +pounds. Hurrah for the millionaire! The clown who views the pandemonium +of red brick which he has built on the estate which he has purchased in +the neighbourhood of the place of his grand _debut_, in which every +species of architecture, Greek, Indian, and Chinese, is employed in +caricature--who hears of the grand entertainment he gives at Christmas in +the principal dining-room, the hundred wax-candles, the waggon-load of +plate, and the oceans of wine which form parts of it, and above all the +two ostrich poults, one at the head, and the other at the foot of the +table, exclaims, "Well! if he a'n't bang up, I don't know who be; why, he +beats my lord hollow!" The mechanic of the borough town, who sees him +dashing through the streets in an open landau, drawn by four milk-white +horses, amidst its attendant outriders; his wife, a monster of a woman, +by his side, stout as the wife of Tamerlane, who weighed twenty stone, +and bedizened out like her whose person shone with the jewels of +plundered Persia, stares with silent wonder, and at last exclaims, +"That's the man for my vote!" You tell the clown that the man of the +mansion has contributed enormously to corrupt the rural innocence of +England; you point to an incipient branch railroad, from around which the +accents of Gomorrah are sounding, and beg him to listen for a moment, and +then close his ears. Hodge scratches his head and says, "Well, I have +nothing to say to that; all I know is, that he is bang up, and I wish I +were he;" perhaps he will add--a Hodge has been known to add--"He has +been kind enough to put my son on that very railroad; 'tis true the +company is somewhat queer and the work rather killing, but he gets there +half-a-crown a day, whereas from the farmers he would only get eighteen- +pence." You remind the mechanic that the man in the landau has been the +ruin of thousands, and you mention people whom he himself knows, people +in various grades of life, widows and orphans amongst them, whose little +all he has dissipated, and whom he has reduced to beggary by inducing +them to become sharers in his delusive schemes. But the mechanic says, +"Well, the more fools they to let themselves be robbed. But I don't call +that kind of thing robbery, I merely call it outwitting; and everybody in +this free country has a right to outwit others if he can. What a turn- +out he has!" One was once heard to add, "I never saw a more +genteel-looking man in all my life except one, and that was a gentleman's +walley, who was much like him. It is true he is rather undersized, but +then madam, you know, makes up for all." + + + +CHAPTER V. SUBJECT OF GENTILITY CONTINUED. + + +In the last chapter have been exhibited specimens of gentility, so +considered by different classes; by one class, power, youth, and epaulets +are considered the _ne plus ultra_ of gentility; by another class, pride, +stateliness, and title; by another, wealth and flaming tawdriness. But +what constitutes a gentleman? It is easy to say at once what constitutes +a gentleman, and there are no distinctions in what is gentlemanly, {316} +as there are in what is genteel. The characteristics of a gentleman are +high feeling--a determination never to take a cowardly advantage of +another--a liberal education--absence of narrow views--generosity and +courage, propriety of behaviour. Now a person may be genteel according +to one or another of the three standards described above, and not possess +one of the characteristics of a gentleman. Is the emperor a gentleman, +with spatters of blood on his clothes, scourged from the backs of noble +Hungarian women? Are the aristocracy gentlefolks, who admire him? Is +Mr. Flamson a gentleman, although he has a million pounds? No! cowardly +miscreants, admirers of cowardly miscreants, and people who make a +million pounds by means compared with which those employed to make +fortunes by the getters up of the South Sea Bubble might be called honest +dealing, are decidedly not gentlefolks. Now as it is clearly +demonstrable that a person may be perfectly genteel according to some +standard or other, and yet be no gentleman, so is it demonstrable that a +person may have no pretensions to gentility, and yet be a gentleman. For +example, there is Lavengro! Would the admirers of the emperor, or the +admirers of those who admire the emperor, or the admirers of Mr. Flamson, +call him genteel? and gentility with them is everything! Assuredly they +would not; and assuredly they would consider him respectively as a being +to be shunned, despised, or hooted. Genteel! Why, at one time he is a +hack author--writes reviewals for eighteen-pence a page--edits a Newgate +chronicle. At another he wanders the country with a face grimy from +occasionally mending kettles; and there is no evidence that his clothes +are not seedy and torn, and his shoes down at the heel; but by what +process of reasoning will they prove that he is no gentleman? Is he not +learned? Has he not generosity and courage? Whilst a hack author, does +he pawn the books entrusted to him to review? Does he break his word to +his publisher? Does he write begging letters? Does he get clothes or +lodgings without paying for them? Again, whilst a wanderer, does he +insult helpless women on the road with loose proposals or ribald +discourse? Does he take what is not his own from the hedges? Does he +play on the fiddle, or make faces in public-houses, in order to obtain +pence or beer? or does he call for liquor, swallow it, and then say to a +widowed landlady, "Mistress, I have no brass"? In a word, what vice and +crime does he perpetrate--what low acts does he commit? Therefore, with +his endowments, who will venture to say that he is no gentleman?--unless +it be an admirer of Mr. Flamson--a clown--who will, perhaps, shout--"I +say he is no gentleman; for who can be a gentleman who keeps no gig?" + +The indifference exhibited by Lavengro for what is merely genteel, +compared with his solicitude never to infringe the strict laws of honour, +should read a salutary lesson. The generality of his countrymen are far +more careful not to transgress the customs of what they call gentility, +than to violate the laws of honour or morality. They will shrink from +carrying their own carpet-bag, and from speaking to a person in seedy +raiment, whilst to matters of much higher importance they are shamelessly +indifferent. Not so Lavengro; he will do anything that he deems +convenient, or which strikes his fancy, provided it does not outrage +decency or is unallied to profligacy; is not ashamed to speak to a beggar +in rags, and will associate with anybody, provided he can gratify a +laudable curiosity. He has no abstract love for what is low, or what the +world calls low. He sees that many things which the world looks down +upon are valuable, so he prizes much which the world contemns; he sees +that many things which the world admires are contemptible, so he despises +much which the world does not; but when the world prizes what is really +excellent, he does not contemn it, because the world regards it. If he +learns Irish, which all the world scoffs at, he likewise learns Italian, +which all the world melts at. If he learns Gypsy, the language of the +tattered tent, he likewise learns Greek, the language of the college +hall. If he learns smithery, he also learns . . . ah! what does he learn +to set against smithery?--the law? No; he does not learn the law, which, +by the way, is not very genteel. Swimming? Yes, he learns to swim. +Swimming, however, is not genteel; and the world--at least the genteel +part of it--acts very wisely in setting its face against it; for to swim +you must be naked, and how would many a genteel person look without his +clothes? Come! he learns horsemanship; a very genteel accomplishment, +which every genteel person would gladly possess, though not all genteel +people do. + +Again as to associates: if he holds communion when a boy with Murtagh, +the scarecrow of an Irish academy, he associates in after life with +Francis Ardry, a rich and talented young Irish gentleman about town. If +he accepts an invitation from Mr. Petulengro to his tent, he has no +objection to go home with a rich genius to dinner; who then will say that +he prizes a thing or a person because they are ungenteel? That he is not +ready to take up with everything that is ungenteel he gives a proof, when +he refuses, though on the brink of starvation, to become bonnet to the +thimble-man, an office which, though profitable, is positively ungenteel. +Ah! but some sticker-up for gentility will exclaim, "The hero did not +refuse this office from an insurmountable dislike to its ungentility, but +merely from a feeling of principle." Well! the writer is not fond of +argument, and he will admit that such was the case; he admits that it was +a love of principle, rather than an over-regard for gentility, which +prevented the hero from accepting, when on the brink of starvation, an +ungenteel though lucrative office, an office which, the writer begs leave +to observe, many a person with a great regard for gentility, and no +particular regard for principle, would in a similar strait have accepted; +for when did a mere love for gentility keep a person from being a dirty +scoundrel, when the alternatives apparently were "either to be a dirty +scoundrel or starve"? One thing, however, is certain, which is, that +Lavengro did not accept the office, which if a love for what is low had +been his ruling passion he certainly would have done; consequently, he +refuses to do one thing which no genteel person would willingly do, even +as he does many things which every genteel person would gladly do, for +example speaks Italian, rides on horseback, associates with a fashionable +young man, dines with a rich genius, et cetera. Yet--and it cannot be +minced--he and gentility with regard to many things are at strange +divergency; he shrinks from many things at which gentility placidly hums +a tune, or approvingly simpers, and does some things at which gentility +positively sinks. He will not run into debt for clothes or lodgings, +which he might do without any scandal to gentility; he will not receive +money from Francis Ardry, and go to Brighton with the sister of Annette +Le Noir, though there is nothing ungenteel in borrowing money from a +friend, even when you never intend to repay him, and something poignantly +genteel in going to a watering-place with a gay young Frenchwoman; but he +has no objection, after raising twenty pounds by the sale of that +extraordinary work "Joseph Sell," to set off into the country, mend +kettles under hedge-rows, and make pony and donkey shoes in a dingle. +Here, perhaps, some plain, well-meaning person will cry--and with much +apparent justice--how can the writer justify him in this act? What +motive, save a love for what is low, could induce him to do such things? +Would the writer have everybody who is in need of recreation go into the +country, mend kettles under hedges, and make pony shoes in dingles? To +such an observation the writer would answer, that Lavengro had an +excellent motive in doing what he did, but that the writer is not so +unreasonable as to wish everybody to do the same. It is not everybody +who can mend kettles. It is not everybody who is in similar +circumstances to those in which Lavengro was. Lavengro flies from London +and hack authorship, and takes to the roads from fear of consumption; it +is expensive to put up at inns, and even at public-houses, and Lavengro +has not much money; so he buys a tinker's cart and apparatus, and sets up +as tinker, and subsequently as blacksmith; a person living in a tent, or +in anything else, must do something or go mad; Lavengro had a mind, as he +himself well knew, with some slight tendency to madness, and had he not +employed himself, he must have gone wild; so to employ himself he drew +upon one of his resources, the only one available at the time. Authorship +had nearly killed him, he was sick of reading, and had besides no books; +but he possessed the rudiments of an art akin to tinkering; he knew +something of smithery, having served a kind of apprenticeship in Ireland +to a fairy smith; so he draws upon his smithery to enable him to acquire +tinkering, and through the help which it affords him, owing to its +connection with tinkering, he speedily acquires that craft, even as he +had speedily acquired Welsh, owing to its connection with Irish, which +language he possessed; and with tinkering he amuses himself until he lays +it aside to resume smithery. A man who has any innocent resource, has +quite as much right to draw upon it in need, as he has, upon a banker in +whose hands he has placed a sum; Lavengro turns to advantage, under +particular circumstances, a certain resource which he has but people who +are not so forlorn as Lavengro, and have not served the same +apprenticeship which he had, are not advised to follow his example. +Surely he was better employed in plying the trades of tinker and smith +than in having recourse to vice, in running after milk-maids for example. +Running after milk-maids is by no means an ungenteel rural diversion; but +let any one ask some respectable casuist (the Bishop of London for +example), whether Lavengro was not far better employed, when in the +country, at tinkering and smithery than he would have been in running +after all the milkmaids in Cheshire, though tinkering is in general +considered a very ungenteel employment, and smithery little better, +notwithstanding that an Orcadian poet, who wrote in Norse about eight +hundred years ago, reckons the latter amongst nine noble arts which he +possessed, naming it along with playing at chess, on the harp, and +ravelling runes, or as the original has it, "treading runes"--that is, +compressing them into a small compass by mingling one letter with +another, even as the Turkish caligraphists ravel the Arabic letters, more +especially those who write talismans. + + "Nine arts have I, all noble; + I play at chess so free, + At ravelling runes I'm ready, + At books and smithery; + I'm skill'd o'er ice at skimming + On skates, I shoot and row, + And few at harping match me, + Or minstrelsy, I trow." + +But though Lavengro takes up smithery, which, though the Orcadian ranks +it with chess-playing and harping, is certainly somewhat of a grimy art, +there can be no doubt that, had he been wealthy and not so forlorn as he +was, he would have turned to many things, honourable, of course, in +preference. He has no objection to ride a fine horse when he has the +opportunity: he has his day-dream of making a fortune of two hundred +thousand pounds by becoming a merchant and doing business after the +Armenian fashion; and there can be no doubt that he would have been glad +to wear fine clothes, provided he had had sufficient funds to authorise +him in wearing them. For the sake of wandering the country and plying +the hammer and tongs he would not have refused a commission in the +service of that illustrious monarch George the Fourth, provided he had +thought that he could live on his pay, and not be forced to run in debt +to tradesmen, without any hope of paying them, for clothes and luxuries, +as many highly genteel officers in that honourable service were in the +habit of doing. For the sake of tinkering he would certainly not have +refused a secretaryship of an embassy to Persia, in which he might have +turned his acquaintance with Persian, Arabic, and the Lord only knows +what other languages, to account. He took to tinkering and smithery, +because no better employments were at his command. No war is waged in +the book against rank, wealth, fine clothes, or dignified employments; it +is shown, however, that a person may be a gentleman and a scholar without +them. Rank, wealth, fine clothes, and dignified employments are no doubt +very fine things, but they are merely externals, they do not make a +gentleman, they add external grace and dignity to the gentleman and +scholar, but they make neither; and is it not better to be a gentleman +without them than not a gentleman with them? Is not Lavengro, when he +leaves London on foot with twenty pounds in his pocket, entitled to more +respect than Mr. Flamson flaming in his coach with a million? And is not +even the honest jockey at Horncastle, who offers a fair price to Lavengro +for his horse, entitled to more than the scoundrel lord, who attempts to +cheat him of one-fourth of its value? + +Millions, however, seem to think otherwise, by their servile adoration of +people whom without rank, wealth, and fine clothes they would consider +infamous, but whom possessed of rank, wealth, and glittering habiliments +they seem to admire all the more for their profligacy and crimes. Does +not a blood-spot, or a lust-spot, on the clothes of a blooming emperor, +give a kind of zest to the genteel young god? Do not the pride, +superciliousness, and selfishness of a certain aristocracy make it all +the more regarded by its worshippers? and do not the clownish and gutter- +blood admirers of Mr. Flamson like him all the more because they are +conscious that he is a knave? If such is the case--and alas! is it not +the case?--they cannot be too frequently told that fine clothes, wealth, +and titles adorn a person in proportion as he adorns them; that if worn +by the magnanimous and good they are ornaments indeed, but if by the vile +and profligate they are merely _san benitos_, and only serve to make +their infamy doubly apparent; and that a person in seedy raiment and +tattered hat, possessed of courage, kindness, and virtue, is entitled to +more respect from those to whom his virtues are manifested than any +cruel, profligate emperor, selfish aristocrat, or knavish millionaire in +the world. + +The writer has no intention of saying that all in England are affected +with the absurd mania for gentility; nor is such a statement made in the +book; it is shown therein that individuals of various classes can prize a +gentleman, notwithstanding seedy raiment, dusty shoes, or tattered +hat,--for example, the young Irishman, the rich genius, the postillion, +and his employer. Again, when the life of the hero is given to the +world, amidst the howl about its lowness and vulgarity, raised by the +servile crew whom its independence of sentiment has stung, more than one +powerful voice has been heard testifying approbation of its learning and +the purity of its morality. That there is some salt in England, minds +not swayed by mere externals, he is fully convinced; if he were not, he +would spare himself the trouble of writing; but to the fact that the +generality of his countrymen are basely grovelling before the shrine of +what they are pleased to call gentility, he cannot shut his eyes. + +Oh! what a clever person that Cockney was, who, travelling in the +Aberdeen railroad carriage, after edifying the company with his remarks +on various subjects, gave it as his opinion that Lieutenant P . . . +would, in future, be shunned by all respectable society! And what a +simple person that elderly gentleman was, who, abruptly starting, asked, +in rather an authoritative voice, "And why should Lieutenant P . . . be +shunned by respectable society?" and who after entering into what was +said to be a masterly analysis of the entire evidence of the case, +concluded by stating, "that having been accustomed to all kinds of +evidence all his life, he had never known a case in which the accused had +obtained a more complete and triumphant justification than Lieutenant +P . . . had done in the late trial." + +Now the Cockney, who is said to have been a very foppish Cockney, was +perfectly right in what he said, and therein manifested a knowledge of +the English mind and character, and likewise of the modern English +language, to which his catechist, who, it seems, was a distinguished +member of the Scottish bar, could lay no pretensions. The Cockney knew +what the Lord of Session knew not, that the British public is gentility +crazy, and he knew, moreover, that gentility and respectability are +synonymous. No one in England is genteel or respectable that is "looked +at," who is the victim of oppression; he may be pitied for a time, but +when did not pity terminate in contempt? A poor, harmless young +officer--but why enter into the details of the infamous case? they are +but too well known, and if ever cruelty, pride, and cowardice, and things +much worse than even cruelty, cowardice, and pride, were brought to +light, and at the same time countenanced, they were in that case. What +availed the triumphant justification of the poor victim? There was at +first a roar of indignation against his oppressors, but how long did it +last? He had been turned out of the service, they remained in it with +their red coats and epaulets; he was merely the son of a man who had +rendered good service to his country, they were, for the most part, +highly connected--they were in the extremest degree genteel, he quite the +reverse; so the nation wavered, considered, thought the genteel side was +the safest after all, and then with the cry of, "Oh! there is nothing +like gentility," ratted bodily. Newspaper and public turned against the +victim, scouted him, apologised for the--what should they be called?--who +were not only admitted into the most respectable society, but courted to +come, the spots not merely of wine on their military clothes giving them +a kind of poignancy. But there is a God in heaven; the British glories +are tarnished--Providence has never smiled on British arms since that +case--oh! Balaklava! thy name interpreted is net of fishes, and well dost +thou deserve that name. How many a scarlet golden fish has of late +perished in the mud amidst thee, cursing the genteel service, and the +genteel leader which brought him to such a doom. + +Whether the rage for gentility is most prevalent amongst the upper, +middle, or lower classes it is difficult to say; the priest in the text +seems to think that it is exhibited in the most decided manner in the +middle class; it is the writer's opinion, however, that in no class is it +more strongly developed than in the lower: what they call being well born +goes a great way amongst them, but the possession of money much farther, +whence Mr. Flamson's influence over them. Their rage against, and scorn +for, any person who by his courage and talents has advanced himself in +life, and still remains poor, are indescribable; "he is no better than +ourselves," they say, "why should he be above us?"--for they have no +conception that anybody has a right to ascendency over themselves except +by birth or money. This feeling amongst the vulgar has been, to a +certain extent, the bane of the two services, naval and military. The +writer does not make this assertion rashly; he observed this feeling at +work in the army when a child, and he has good reason for believing that +it was as strongly at work in the navy at the same time, and is still as +prevalent in both. Why are not brave men raised from the ranks? is +frequently the cry; why are not brave sailors promoted? The Lord help +brave soldiers and sailors who are promoted; they have less to undergo +from the high airs of their brother officers, and those are hard enough +to endure, than from the insolence of the men. Soldiers and sailors +promoted to command are said to be in general tyrants; in nine cases out +of ten, when they are tyrants, they have been obliged to have recourse to +extreme severity in order to protect themselves from the insolence and +mutinous spirit of the men,--"He is no better than ourselves: shoot him, +bayonet him, or fling him overboard!" they say of some obnoxious +individual raised above them by his merit. Soldiers and sailors, in +general, will bear any amount of tyranny from a lordly sot, or the son of +a man who has "plenty of brass"--their own term--but will mutiny against +the just orders of a skilful and brave officer who "is no better than +themselves." There was the affair of the "Bounty," for example: Bligh +was one of the best seamen that ever trod deck, and one of the bravest of +men; proofs of his seamanship he gave by steering, amidst dreadful +weather, a deeply-laden boat for nearly four thousand miles over an +almost unknown ocean--of his bravery, at the fight of Copenhagen, one of +the most desperate ever fought, of which after Nelson he was the hero: he +was, moreover, not an unkind man; but the crew of the "Bounty" mutinied +against him, and set him half naked in an open boat, with certain of his +men who remained faithful to him, and ran away with the ship. Their +principal motive for doing so was an idea, whether true or groundless the +writer cannot say, that Bligh was "no better than themselves;" he was +certainly neither a lord's illegitimate, nor possessed of twenty thousand +pounds. The writer knows what he is writing about, having been +acquainted in his early years with an individual who was turned adrift +with Bligh, and who died about the year '22, a lieutenant in the navy, in +a provincial town in which the writer was brought up. The ring-leaders +in the mutiny were two scoundrels, Christian and Young, who had great +influence with the crew, because they were genteelly connected. Bligh, +after leaving the "Bounty," had considerable difficulty in managing the +men who had shared his fate, because they considered themselves "as good +men as he," notwithstanding that to his conduct and seamanship they had +alone to look, under Heaven, for salvation from the ghastly perils that +surrounded them. Bligh himself, in his journal, alludes to this feeling. +Once, when he and his companions landed on a desert island, one of them +said, with a mutinous look, that he considered himself "as good a man as +he;" Bligh, seizing a cutlass, called upon him to take another and defend +himself, whereupon the man said that Bligh was going to kill him, and +made all manner of concessions; now why did this fellow consider himself +as good a man as Bligh? Was he as good a seaman? no, nor a tenth part as +good. As brave a man? no, nor a tenth part as brave; and of these facts +he was perfectly well aware, but bravery and seamanship stood for nothing +with him, as they still stand with thousands of his class; Bligh was not +genteel by birth or money, therefore Bligh was no better than himself. +Had Bligh, before he sailed, got a twenty-thousand pound prize in the +lottery, he would have experienced no insolence from this fellow, for +there would have been no mutiny in the "Bounty." "He is our betters," +the crew would have said, "and it is our duty to obey him." + +The wonderful power of gentility in England is exemplified in nothing +more than in what it is producing amongst Jews, Gypsies, and Quakers. It +is breaking up their venerable communities. All the better, some one +will say. Alas! alas! It is making the wealthy Jews forsake the +synagogue for the opera-house, or the gentility chapel, in which a +disciple of Mr. Platitude, in a white surplice, preaches a sermon at noon- +day from a desk, on each side of which is a flaming taper. It is making +them abandon their ancient literature, their "Mischna," their "Gemara," +their "Zohar," for gentility novels, "The Young Duke," the most +unexceptionably genteel book ever written, being the principal favourite. +It makes the young Jew ashamed of the young Jewess, it makes her ashamed +of the young Jew. The young Jew marries an opera dancer, or if the +dancer will not have him, as is frequently the case, the cast-off Miss of +the Honourable Spencer So-and-so. It makes the young Jewess accept the +honourable offer of a cashiered lieutenant of the Bengal Native Infantry; +or if such a person does not come forward, the dishonourable offer of a +cornet of a regiment of crack hussars. It makes poor Jews, male and +female, forsake the synagogue for the sixpenny theatre or penny hop; the +Jew to take up with an Irish female of loose character, and the Jewess +with a musician of the Guards, or the Tipperary servant of Captain +Mulligan. With respect to the gypsies, it is making the women what they +never were before--harlots; and the men what they never were +before--careless fathers and husbands. It has made the daughter of +Ursula the chaste take up with the base-drummer of a wild-beast show. It +makes Gorgiko Brown, the gypsy man, leave his tent and his old wife, of +an evening, and thrust himself into society which could well dispense +with him. "Brother," said Mr. Petulengro the other day to the Romany +Rye, after telling him many things connected with the decadence of +gypsyism, "there is one Gorgiko Brown, who, with a face as black as a +teakettle, wishes to be mistaken for a Christian tradesman; he goes into +the parlour of a third-rate inn of an evening, calls for rum and water, +and attempts to enter into conversation with the company about politics +and business; the company flout him or give him the cold shoulder, or +perhaps complain to the landlord, who comes and asks him what business he +has in the parlour, telling him if he wants to drink to go into the tap- +room, and perhaps collars him and kicks him out, provided he refuses to +move." With respect to the Quakers, it makes the young people, like the +young Jews, crazy after gentility diversions, worship, marriages, or +connections, and makes old Pease do what it makes Gorgiko Brown do, +thrust himself into society which could well dispense with him, and out +of which he is not kicked, because unlike the gypsy he is not poor. The +writer would say much more on these points, but want of room prevents +him; he must therefore request the reader to have patience until he can +lay before the world a pamphlet, which he has been long meditating, to be +entitled "Remarks on the strikingly similar Effects which a Love for +Gentility has produced, and is producing, amongst Jews, Gypsies, and +Quakers." + +The Priest in the book has much to say on the subject of this gentility +nonsense; no person can possibly despise it more thoroughly than that +very remarkable individual seems to do, yet he hails its prevalence with +pleasure, knowing the benefits which will result from it to the church of +which he is the sneering slave. "The English are mad after gentility," +says he; "well, all the better for us; their religion for a long time +past has been a plain and simple one, and consequently by no means +genteel; they'll quit it for ours, which is the perfection of what they +admire; with which Templars, Hospitalers, mitred abbots, Gothic abbeys, +long-drawn aisles, golden censers, incense, et cetera, are connected; +nothing, or next to nothing, of Christ, it is true, but weighed in the +balance against gentility, where will Christianity be? why, kicking +against the beam--ho! ho!" And in connection with the gentility +nonsense, he expatiates largely, and with much contempt, on a species of +literature by which the interests of his church in England have been very +much advanced--all genuine priests have a thorough contempt for +everything which tends to advance the interests of their church--this +literature is made up of pseudo-Jacobitism, Charlie o'er the waterism, or +nonsense about Charlie o'er the water. And the writer will now take the +liberty of saying a few words about it on his own account. + + + +CHAPTER VI. ON SCOTCH GENTILITY NONSENSE--CHARLIE O'ER THE WATERISM. + + +Of the literature just alluded to Scott was the inventor. It is founded +on the fortunes and misfortunes of the Stuart family, of which Scott was +the zealous defender and apologist, doing all that in his power lay to +represent the members of it as noble, chivalrous, high-minded, +unfortunate princes; though, perhaps, of all the royal families that ever +existed upon earth, this family was the worst. It was unfortunate +enough, it is true; but it owed its misfortunes entirely to its crimes, +viciousness, bad faith, and cowardice. Nothing will be said of it here +until it made its appearance in England to occupy the English throne. + +The first of the family which we have to do with, James, was a dirty, +cowardly miscreant, of whom the less said the better. His son, Charles +the First, was a tyrant--exceedingly cruel and revengeful, but weak and +dastardly; he caused a poor fellow to be hanged in London, who was not +his subject, because he had heard that the unfortunate creature had once +bit his own glove at Cadiz, in Spain, at the mention of his name; and he +permitted his own bull-dog, Strafford, to be executed by his own enemies, +though the only crime of Strafford was, that he had barked furiously at +those enemies, and had worried two or three of them, when Charles +shouted, "Fetch 'em." He was a bitter, but yet a despicable enemy, and +the coldest and most worthless of friends; for though he always hoped to +be able some time or other to hang his enemies, he was always ready to +curry favour with them, more especially if he could do so at the expense +of his friends. He was the haughtiest, yet meanest of mankind. He once +caned a young nobleman for appearing before him in the drawing-room not +dressed exactly according to the court etiquette; yet he condescended to +flatter and compliment him who, from principle, was his bitterest enemy, +namely, Harrison, when the republican colonel was conducting him as a +prisoner to London. His bad faith was notorious; it was from abhorrence +of the first public instance which he gave of his bad faith, his breaking +his word to the Infanta of Spain, that the poor Hiberno-Spaniard bit his +glove at Cadiz; and it was his notorious bad faith which eventually cost +him his head; for the Republicans would gladly have spared him, provided +they could have put the slightest confidence in any promise, however +solemn, which he might have made to them. Of them, it would be difficult +to say whether they most hated or despised him. Religion he had none. +One day he favoured Popery; the next, on hearing certain clamours of the +people, he sent his wife's domestics back packing to France, because they +were Papists. Papists, however, should make him a saint, for he was +certainly the cause of the taking of Rochelle. + +His son, Charles the Second, though he passed his youth in the school of +adversity, learned no other lesson from it than the following one--take +care of yourself, and never do an action, either good or bad, which is +likely to bring you into any great difficulty; and this maxim he acted up +to as soon as he came to the throne. He was a Papist, but took especial +care not to acknowledge his religion, at which he frequently scoffed, +till just before his last gasp, when he knew that he could lose nothing, +and hoped to gain everything by it. He was always in want of money, but +took care not to tax the country beyond all endurable bounds; preferring, +to such a bold and dangerous course, to become the secret pensioner of +Louis, to whom, in return for his gold, he sacrificed the honour and +interests of Britain. He was too lazy and sensual to delight in playing +the part of a tyrant himself; but he never checked tyranny in others, +save in one instance. He permitted beastly butchers to commit +unmentionable horrors on the feeble, unarmed, and disunited Covenanters +of Scotland, but checked them when they would fain have endeavoured to +play the same game on the numerous, united, dogged, and warlike +Independents of England. To show his filial piety, he bade the hangman +dishonour the corpses of some of his father's judges, before whom, when +alive, he ran like a screaming hare; but permitted those who had lost +their all in supporting his father's cause, to pine in misery and want. +He would give to a painted harlot a thousand pounds for a loathsome +embrace, and to a player or buffoon a hundred for a trumpery pun, but +would refuse a penny to the widow or orphan of an old Royalist soldier. +He was the personification of selfishness; and as he loved and cared for +no one, so did no one love or care for him. So little had he gained the +respect or affection of those who surrounded him, that after his body had +undergone an after-death examination, parts of it were thrown down the +sinks of the palace, to become eventually the prey of the swine and ducks +of Westminster. + +His brother, who succeeded him, James the Second, was a Papist, but +sufficiently honest to acknowledge his Popery, but, upon the whole, he +was a poor creature; though a tyrant, he was cowardly, had he not been a +coward he would never have lost his throne. There were plenty of lovers +of tyranny in England who would have stood by him, provided he would have +stood by them, and would, though not Papists, have encouraged him in his +attempt to bring back England beneath the sway of Rome, and perhaps would +eventually have become Papists themselves; but the nation raising a cry +against him, and his son-in-law, the Prince of Orange invading the +country, he forsook his friends, of whom he had a host, but for whom he +cared little--left his throne, for which he cared a great deal--and +Popery in England, for which he cared yet more, to their fate, and +escaped to France, from whence, after taking a little heart, he repaired +to Ireland, where he was speedily joined by a gallant army of Papists +whom he basely abandoned at the Boyne, running away in a most lamentable +condition, at the time when by showing a little courage he might have +enabled them to conquer. This worthy, in his last will, bequeathed his +heart to England--his right arm to Scotland--and his bowels to Ireland. +What the English and Scotch said to their respective bequests is not +known, but it is certain that an old Irish priest, supposed to have been +a great grand-uncle of the present Reverend Father Murtagh, on hearing of +the bequest to Ireland, fell into a great passion, and having been +brought up at "Paris and Salamanca," expressed his indignation in the +following strain:--"Malditas sean tus tripas! teniamos bastante del olor +de tus tripas al tiempo de tu nuida dela batalla del Boyne!" + +His son, generally called the Old Pretender, though born in England, was +carried in his infancy to France, where he was brought up in the +strictest principles of Popery, which principles, however, did not +prevent him becoming (when did they ever prevent any one?) a worthless +and profligate scoundrel; there are some doubts as to the reality of his +being a son of James, which doubts are probably unfounded, the grand +proof of his legitimacy being the thorough baseness of his character. It +was said of his father that he could speak well, and it may be said of +him that he could write well, the only thing he could do which was worth +doing, always supposing that there is any merit in being able to write. +He was of a mean appearance, and, like his father, pusillanimous to a +degree. The meanness of his appearance disgusted, and his pusillanimity +discouraged the Scotch when he made his appearance amongst them in the +year 1715, some time after the standard of rebellion had been hoisted by +Mar. He only stayed a short time in Scotland, and then, seized with +panic, retreated to France, leaving his friends to shift for themselves +as they best could. He died a pensioner of the Pope. + +The son of this man, Charles Edward, of whom so much in latter years has +been said and written, was a worthless, ignorant youth, and a profligate +and illiterate old man. When young, the best that can be said of him is, +that he had occasionally springs of courage, invariably at the wrong time +and place, which merely served to lead his friends into inextricable +difficulties. When old, he was loathsome and contemptible to both friend +and foe. His wife loathed him, and for the most terrible of reasons; she +did not pollute his couch, for to do that was impossible--he had made it +so vile; but she betrayed it, inviting to it not only Alfieri the Filthy, +but the coarsest grooms. Dr. King, the warmest and almost last adherent +of his family, said that there was not a vice or crime of which he was +not guilty; as for his foes, they scorned to harm him even when in their +power. In the year 1745 he came down from the Highlands of Scotland, +which had long been a focus of rebellion. He was attended by certain +clans of the Highlands, desperadoes used to freebootery from their +infancy, and consequently to the use of arms, and possessed of a certain +species of discipline; with these he defeated at Prestonpans a body of +men called soldiers, but who were in reality peasants and artisans, +levied about a month before, without discipline or confidence in each +other, and who were miserably massacred by the Highland army; he +subsequently invaded England, nearly destitute of regular soldiers, and +penetrated as far as Derby, from which place he retreated on learning +that regular forces which had been hastily recalled from Flanders were +coming against him, with the Duke of Cumberland at their head; he was +pursued, and his rear guard overtaken and defeated by the dragoons of the +duke at Clifton, from which place the rebels retreated in great confusion +across the Eden into Scotland, where they commenced dancing Highland +reels and strathspeys on the bank of the river, for joy at their escape, +whilst a number of wretched girls, paramours of some of them, were +perishing in the waters of the swollen river in an attempt to follow +them; they themselves passed over by eighties and by hundreds, arm in +arm, for mutual safety, without the loss of a man, but they left the poor +paramours to shift for themselves, nor did any of these canny people +after passing the stream dash back to rescue a single female life,--no, +they were too well employed upon the bank in dancing strathspeys to the +tune of "Charlie o'er the water." It was, indeed, Charlie o'er the +water, and canny Highlanders o'er the water, but where were the poor +prostitutes meantime? _In the water_. + +The Jacobite farce, or tragedy, was speedily brought to a close by the +battle of Culloden; there did Charlie wish himself back again o'er the +water, exhibiting the most unmistakable signs of pusillanimity; there +were the clans cut to pieces, at least those who could be brought to the +charge, and there fell Giles Mac Bean, or as he was called in Gaelic, +Giliosa Mac Beathan, a kind of giant, six feet four inches and a quarter +high, "than whom," as his wife said in a coronach she made upon him, "no +man who stood at Cuiloitr was taller"--Giles Mac Bean the Major of the +clan Cattan--a great drinker--a great fisher--a great shooter, and the +champion of the Highland host. + +The last of the Stuarts was a cardinal. + +Such were the Stuarts, such their miserable history. They were dead and +buried in every sense of the word until Scott resuscitated them--how? by +the power of fine writing, and by calling to his aid that strange +divinity, gentility. He wrote splendid novels about the Stuarts, in +which he represents them as unlike what they really were as the graceful +and beautiful papillon is unlike the hideous and filthy worm. In a word, +he made them genteel, and that was enough to give them paramount sway +over the minds of the British people. The public became Stuart-mad, and +everybody, especially the women, said, "What a pity it was that we hadn't +a Stuart to govern." All parties, Whig, Tory, or Radical, became +Jacobite at heart, and admirers of absolute power. The Whigs talked +about the liberty of the subject, and the Radicals about the rights of +man still, but neither party cared a straw for what it talked about, and +mentally swore that, as soon as by means of such stuff they could get +places, and fill their pockets, they would be as Jacobite as the Jacobs +themselves. As for the Tories, no great change in them was necessary; +everything favouring absolutism and slavery being congenial to them. So +the whole nation, that is, the reading part of the nation, with some +exceptions, for thank God there has always been some salt in England, +went over the water to Charlie. But going over to Charlie was not +enough, they must, or at least a considerable part of them, go over to +Rome too, or have a hankering to do so. As the Priest sarcastically +observes in the text, "As all the Jacobs were Papists, so the good folks +who through Scott's novels admire the Jacobs must be Papists too." An +idea got about that the religion of such genteel people as the Stuarts +must be the climax of gentility, and that idea was quite sufficient. Only +let a thing, whether temporal or spiritual, be considered genteel in +England, and if it be not followed it is strange indeed; so Scott's +writings not only made the greater part of the nation Jacobite, but +Popish. + +Here some people will exclaim--whose opinions remain sound and +uncontaminated--what you say is perhaps true with respect to the Jacobite +nonsense at present so prevalent being derived from Scott's novels, but +the Popish nonsense, which people of the genteeler class are so fond of, +is derived from Oxford. We sent our sons to Oxford nice honest lads, +educated in the principles of the Church of England, and at the end of +the first term they came home puppies, talking Popish nonsense, which +they had learned from the pedants to whose care we had entrusted them; +ay, not only Popery, but Jacobitism, which they hardly carried with them +from home, for we never heard them talking Jacobitism before they had +been at Oxford; but now their conversation is a farrago of Popish and +Jacobite stuff--"Complines and Claverse." Now, what these honest folks +say is, to a certain extent, founded on fact; the Popery which has +overflowed the land during the last fourteen or fifteen years, has come +immediately from Oxford, and likewise some of the Jacobitism, Popish and +Jacobite nonsense, and little or nothing else, having been taught at +Oxford for about that number of years. But whence did the pedants get +the Popish nonsense with which they have corrupted youth? Why, from the +same quarter from which they got the Jacobite nonsense with which they +have inoculated those lads who were not inoculated with it before--Scott's +novels. Jacobitism and Laudism, a kind of half Popery, had at one time +been very prevalent at Oxford, but both had been long consigned to +oblivion there, and people at Oxford cared as little about Laud as they +did about the Pretender. Both were dead and buried there, as everywhere +else, till Scott called them out of their graves, when the pedants of +Oxford hailed both--ay, and the Pope, too, as soon as Scott had made the +old fellow fascinating, through particular novels, more especially the +"Monastery" and "Abbot." Then the quiet, respectable, honourable Church +of England would no longer do for the pedants of Oxford; they must belong +to a more genteel Church--they were ashamed at first to be downright +Romans--so they would be Lauds. The pale-looking, but exceedingly +genteel non-juring clergyman in "Waverley" was a Laud; but they soon +became tired of being Lauds, for Laud's Church, gewgawish and idolatrous +as it was, was not sufficiently tinselly and idolatrous for them, so they +must be Popes, but in a sneaking way, still calling themselves Church of +England men, in order to batten on the bounty of the Church which they +were betraying, and likewise have opportunities of corrupting such lads +as might still resort to Oxford with principles uncontaminated. So the +respectable people, whose opinions are still sound, are, to a certain +extent, right when they say that the tide of Popery, which has flowed +over the land, has come from Oxford. It did come immediately from +Oxford, but how did it get to Oxford? Why, from Scott's novels. Oh! +that sermon which was the first manifestation of Oxford feeling, preached +at Oxford some time in the year '38 by a divine of a weak and confused +intellect, in which Popery was mixed up with Jacobitism? The present +writer remembers perfectly well, on reading some extracts from it at the +time in a newspaper, on the top of a coach, exclaiming--"Why, the +simpleton has been pilfering from Walter Scott's novels!" + +O Oxford pedants! Oxford pedants! ye whose politics and religion are +both derived from Scott's novels! what a pity it is that some lad of +honest parents, whose mind ye are endeavouring to stultify with your +nonsense about "Complines and Claverse," has not the spirit to start up +and cry, "Confound your gibberish! I'll have none of it. Hurrah for the +Church, and the principles of my _father_!" + + + +CHAPTER VII. SAME SUBJECT CONTINUED. + + +Now what could have induced Scott to write novels tending to make people +Papists and Jacobites, and in love with arbitrary power? Did he think +that Christianity was a gaudy mummery? He did not, he could not, for he +had read the Bible; yet was he fond of gaudy mummeries, fond of talking +about them. Did he believe that the Stuarts were a good family, and fit +to govern a country like Britain? He knew that they were a vicious, +worthless crew, and that Britain was a degraded country as long as they +swayed the sceptre; but for those facts he cared nothing, they governed +in a way which he liked, for he had an abstract love of despotism, and an +abhorrence of everything savouring of freedom and the rights of man in +general. His favourite political picture was a joking, profligate, +careless king, nominally absolute--the heads of great houses paying court +to, but in reality governing, that king, whilst revelling with him on the +plunder of a nation, and a set of crouching, grovelling vassals (the +literal meaning of vassal is a wretch), who, after allowing themselves to +be horsewhipped, would take a bone if flung to them, and be grateful; so +that in love with mummery, though he knew what Christianity was, no +wonder he admired such a church as that of Rome, and that which Laud set +up; and by nature formed to be the holder of the candle to ancient worm- +eaten and profligate families, no wonder that all his sympathies were +with the Stuarts and their dissipated insolent party, and all his hatred +directed against those who endeavoured to check them in their +proceedings, and to raise the generality of mankind something above a +state of vassalage that is wretchedness. Those who were born great, +were, if he could have had his will, always to remain great, however +worthless their characters. Those who were born low, were always to +remain so, however great their talents--though if that rule were carried +out, where would he have been himself? + +In the book which he called the "History of Napoleon Bonaparte," in which +he plays the sycophant to all the legitimate crowned heads in Europe, +whatever their crimes, vices, or miserable imbecilities, he, in his +abhorrence of everything low which by its own vigour makes itself +illustrious, calls Murat of the sabre the son of a pastry-cook, of a +Marseilleise pastry-cook. It is a pity that people who give themselves +hoity-toity airs--and the Scotch in general are wonderfully addicted to +giving themselves hoity-toity airs, and checking people better than +themselves with their birth {332} and their country--it is a great pity +that such people do not look at home--son of a pastry-cook, of a +Marseilleise pastry-cook! Well, and what was Scott himself? Why, son of +a pettifogger, of an Edinburgh pettifogger. "Oh, but Scott was descended +from the old cow-stealers of Buccleuch, and therefore . . ." Descended +from old cow-stealers, was he? Well, had he had nothing to boast of +beyond such a pedigree, he would have lived and died the son of a +pettifogger, and been forgotten, and deservedly so; but he possessed +talents, and by his talents rose like Murat, and like him will be +remembered for his talents alone, and deservedly so. "Yes, but Murat was +still the son of a pastry-cook, and though he was certainly good at the +sabre, and cut his way to a throne, still . . ." Lord! what fools there +are in the world; but as no one can be thought anything of in this world +without a pedigree, the writer will now give a pedigree for Murat, of a +very different character from the cow-stealing one of Scott, but such a +one as the proudest he might not disdain to claim. Scott was descended +from the old cow-stealers of Buccleuch--was he? Good! and Murat was +descended from the old Moors of Spain, from the Abencerages (sons of the +saddle) of Granada. The name Murat is Arabic, and is the same as Murad +(Le Desire, or the wished-for one). Scott, in his genteel life of +Bonaparte, says that "when Murat was in Egypt, the similarity between the +name of the celebrated Mameluke Mourad and that of Bonaparte's Meilleur +Sabreur was remarked, and became the subject of jest amongst the comrades +of the gallant Frenchman." But the writer of the novel of Bonaparte did +not know that the names were one and the same. Now which was the best +pedigree, that of the son of the pastry-cook, or that of the son of the +pettifogger? Which was the best blood? Let us observe the workings of +the two bloods. He who had the blood of the "sons of the saddle" in him +became the wonderful cavalier of the most wonderful host that ever went +forth to conquest, won for himself a crown, and died the death of a +soldier, leaving behind him a son, only inferior to himself in strength, +in prowess, and in horsemanship. The descendant of the cow-stealer +became a poet, a novel writer, the panegyrist of great folks and genteel +people; became insolvent because, though an author, he deemed it +ungenteel to be mixed up with the business part of authorship; died +paralytic and broken-hearted because he could no longer give +entertainments to great folks; leaving behind him, amongst other +children, who were never heard of, a son, who through his father's +interest, had become lieutenant-colonel in a genteel cavalry regiment. A +son who was ashamed of his father because his father was an author; a son +who--paugh--why ask which was the best blood! + +So, owing to his rage for gentility, Scott must needs become the +apologist of the Stuarts and their party; but God made this man pay +dearly for taking the part of the wicked against the good; for lauding up +to the skies miscreants and robbers, and calumniating the noble spirits +of Britain, the salt of England, and his own country. As God had driven +the Stuarts from their throne, and their followers from their estates, +making them vagabonds and beggars on the face of the earth, taking from +them all they cared for, so did that same God, who knows perfectly well +how and where to strike, deprive the apologist of that wretched crew of +all that rendered life pleasant in his eyes, the lack of which paralysed +him in body and mind, rendered him pitiable to others, loathsome to +himself,--so much so, that he once said, "Where is the beggar who would +change places with me, notwithstanding all my fame?" Ah! God knows +perfectly well how to strike. He permitted him to retain all his +literary fame to the very last--his literary fame for which he cared +nothing; but what became of the sweetnesses of life, his fine house, his +grand company, and his entertainments? The grand house ceased to be his; +he was only permitted to live in it on sufferance, and whatever grandeur +it might still retain, it soon became as desolate a looking house as any +misanthrope could wish to see--where were the grand entertainments and +the grand company? there are no grand entertainments where there is no +money; no lords and ladies where there are no entertainments--and there +lay the poor lodger in the desolate house, groaning on a bed no longer +his, smitten by the hand of God in the part where he was most vulnerable. +Of what use telling such a man to take comfort, for he had written the +"Minstrel" and "Rob Roy,"--telling him to think of his literary fame? +Literary fame, indeed! he wanted back his lost gentility:-- + + "Retain my altar, + I care nothing for it--but, oh! touch not my _beard_." + +PORNY'S _War of the Gods_. + +He dies, his children die too, and then comes the crowning judgment of +God on what remained of his race, and the house which he had built. He +was not a Papist himself, nor did he wish any one belonging to him to be +Popish, for he had read enough of the Bible to know that no one can be +saved through Popery, yet had he a sneaking affection for it, and would +at all times, in an underhand manner, give it a good word both in writing +and discourse, because it was a gaudy kind of worship, and ignorance and +vassalage prevailed so long as it flourished--but he certainly did not +wish any of his people to become Papists, nor the house which he had +built to become a Popish house, though the very name he gave it savoured +of Popery; but Popery becomes fashionable through his novels and +poems--the only one that remains of his race, a female grandchild, +marries a person who, following the fashion, becomes a Papist, and makes +her a Papist too. Money abounds with the husband, who buys the house, +and then the house becomes the rankest Popish house in Britain. A +superstitious person might almost imagine that one of the old Scottish +Covenanters, whilst the grand house was being built from the profits +resulting from the sale of writings favouring Popery and persecution, and +calumniatory of Scotland's saints and martyrs, had risen from the grave, +and banned Scott, his race, and his house, by reading a certain psalm. + +In saying what he has said about Scott, the author has not been +influenced by any feeling of malice or ill-will, but simply by a regard +for truth, and a desire to point out to his countrymen the harm which has +resulted from the perusal of his works;--he is not one of those who would +depreciate the talents of Scott--he admires his talents, both as a prose +writer and a poet; as a poet especially he admires him, and believes him +to have been by far the greatest, with perhaps the exception of +Mickiewicz, who only wrote for unfortunate Poland, that Europe has given +birth to during the last hundred years. As a prose writer he admires him +less, it is true, but his admiration for him in that capacity is very +high, and he only laments that he prostituted his talents to the cause of +the Stuarts and gentility. What book of fiction of the present century +can you read twice, with the exception of "Waverley" and "Rob Roy"? There +is "Pelham," it is true, which the writer of these lines has seen a +Jewess reading in the steppe of Debreczin, and which a young Prussian +Baron, a great traveller, whom he met at Constantinople in '44, told him +he always carried in his valise. And, in conclusion, he will say, in +order to show the opinion which he entertains of the power of Scott as a +writer, that he did for the spectre of the wretched Pretender what all +the kings of Europe could not do for his body--placed it on the throne of +these realms; and for Popery, what Popes and Cardinals strove in vain to +do for three centuries--brought back its mummeries and nonsense into the +temples of the British Isles. + +Scott during his lifetime had a crowd of imitators, who, whether they +wrote history so called--poetry so called--or novels--nobody would call a +book a novel if he could call it anything else--wrote Charlie o'er the +water nonsense; and now that he has been dead a quarter of a century, +there are others daily springing up who are striving to imitate Scott in +his Charlie o'er the water nonsense--for nonsense it is, even when +flowing from his pen. They, too, must write Jacobite histories, Jacobite +songs, and Jacobite novels, and much the same figure as the scoundrel +menials in the comedy cut when personating their masters, and retailing +their masters' conversation, do they cut as Walter Scotts. In their +histories, they too talk about the Prince and Glenfinnan, and the +pibroch; and in their songs about "Claverse" and "Bonny Dundee." But +though they may be Scots, they are not Walter Scotts. But it is perhaps +chiefly in the novel that you see the veritable hog in armour; the time +of the novel is of course the '15 or '45; the hero a Jacobite, and +connected with one or other of the enterprises of those periods; and the +author, to show how unprejudiced he is, and what _original_ views he +takes of subjects, must needs speak up for Popery, whenever he has +occasion to mention it; though, with all his originality, when he brings +his hero and the vagabonds with which he is concerned before a +barricadoed house, belonging to the Whigs, he can make them get into it +by no other method than that which Scott makes his rioters employ to get +into the Tolbooth, _burning down_ the door. + +To express the more than utter foolishness of this latter Charlie o'er +the water nonsense, whether in rhyme or prose, there is but one word, and +that word a Scotch word. Scotch, the sorriest of jargons, compared with +which even Roth Welsch is dignified and expressive, has yet one word to +express what would be inexpressible by any word or combination of words +in any language, or in any other jargon in the world; and very properly; +for as the nonsense is properly Scotch, so should the word be Scotch +which expresses it--that word is "fushionless," pronounced +_fooshionless_; and when the writer has called the nonsense +fooshionless--and he does call it fooshionless--he has nothing more to +say, but leaves the nonsense to its fate. + + + +CHAPTER VIII. ON CANTING NONSENSE. + + +The writer now wishes to say something on the subject of canting +nonsense, of which there is a great deal in England. There are various +cants in England, amongst which is the religious cant. He is not going +to discuss the subject of religious cant: lest, however, he should be +misunderstood, he begs leave to repeat that he is a sincere member of the +old-fashioned Church of England, in which he believes there is more +religion, and consequently less cant, than in any other church in the +world; nor is he going to discuss many other cants; he shall content +himself with saying something about two--the temperance cant and the +unmanly cant. Temperance canters say that "it is unlawful to drink a +glass of ale." Unmanly canters say that "it is unlawful to use one's +fists." The writer begs leave to tell both these species of canters that +they do not speak the words of truth. + +It is very lawful to take a cup of ale, or wine, for the purpose of +cheering or invigorating yourself when you are faint and downhearted; and +likewise to give a cup of ale or wine to others when they are in a +similar condition. The Holy Scripture sayeth nothing to the contrary, +but rather encourageth people in so doing by the text, "Wine maketh glad +the heart of man." But it is not lawful to intoxicate yourself with +frequent cups of ale or wine, nor to make others intoxicated, nor does +the Holy Scripture say that it is. The Holy Scripture no more says that +it is lawful to intoxicate yourself or others, than it says that it is +unlawful to take a cup of ale or wine yourself, or to give one to others. +Noah is not commended in the Scripture for making himself drunken on the +wine he brewed. Nor is it said that the Saviour, when He supplied the +guests with first-rate wine at the marriage feast, told them to make +themselves drunk upon it. He is said to have supplied them with first- +rate wine, but He doubtless left the quantity which each should drink to +each party's reason and discretion. When you set a good dinner before +your guests, you do not expect that they should gorge themselves with the +victuals you set before them. Wine may be abused, and so may a leg of +mutton. + +Second. It is lawful for any one to use his fists in his own defence, or +in the defence of others, provided they can't help themselves; but it is +not lawful to use them for purposes of tyranny or brutality. If you are +attacked by a ruffian, as the elderly individual in Lavengro is in the +inn-yard, it is quite lawful, if you can, to give him as good a thrashing +as the elderly individual gave the brutal coachman; and if you see a +helpless woman--perhaps your own sister--set upon by a drunken lord, a +drunken coachman, or a drunken coalheaver, or a brute of any description, +either drunk or sober, it is not only lawful, but laudable, to give them, +if you can, a good drubbing: but it is not lawful, because you have a +strong pair of fists, and know how to use them, to go swaggering through +a fair, jostling against unoffending individuals; should you do so, you +would be served quite right if you were to get a drubbing, more +particularly if you were served out by some one less strong, but more +skilful than yourself--even as the coachman was served out by a pupil of +the immortal Broughton--sixty years old, it is true, but possessed of +Broughton's guard and chop. Moses is not blamed in the Scripture for +taking part with the oppressed, and killing an Egyptian persecutor. We +are not told how Moses killed the Egyptian; but it is quite as creditable +to Moses to suppose that he killed the Egyptian by giving him a buffet +under the left ear, as by stabbing him with a knife. It is true, that +the Saviour in the New Testament tells his disciples to turn the left +cheek to be smitten, after they had received a blow on the right; but He +was speaking to people divinely inspired, or whom He intended divinely to +inspire--people selected by God for a particular purpose. He likewise +tells these people to part with various articles of raiment when asked +for them, and to go a-travelling without money, and to take no thought of +the morrow. Are those exhortations carried out by very good people in +the present day? Do Quakers, when smitten on the right cheek, turn the +left to the smiter? When asked for their coat, do they say, "Friend, +take my shirt also"? Has the Dean of Salisbury no purse? Does the +Archbishop of Canterbury go to an inn, run up a reckoning, and then say +to his landlady, "Mistress, I have no coin"? Assuredly the Dean has a +purse, and a tolerably well-filled one; and, assuredly, the Archbishop, +on departing from an inn, not only settles his reckoning, but leaves +something handsome for the servants, and does not say that he is +forbidden by the gospel to pay for what he has eaten, or the trouble he +has given, as a certain Spanish cavalier said he was forbidden by the +statutes of chivalry. Now, to take the part of yourself, or the part of +the oppressed, with your fists, is quite as lawful in the present day as +it is to refuse your coat and your shirt also to any vagabond who may ask +for them, and not to refuse to pay for supper, bed, and breakfast, at the +Feathers, or any other inn, after you have had the benefit of all three. + +The conduct of Lavengro with respect to drink may, upon the whole, serve +as a model. He is no drunkard, nor is he fond of intoxicating other +people; yet when the horrors are upon him he has no objection to go to a +public-house and call for a pint of ale, nor does he shrink from +recommending ale to others when they are faint and downcast. In one +instance, it is true, he does what cannot be exactly justified; he +encourages the Priest in the dingle, in more instances than one, in +drinking more hollands and water than is consistent with decorum. He has +a motive indeed in doing so; a desire to learn from the knave in his cups +the plans and hopes of the Propaganda of Rome. Such conduct, however, +was inconsistent with strict fair dealing and openness; and the author +advises all those whose consciences never reproach them for a single +unfair or covert act committed by them, to abuse him heartily for +administering hollands and water to the Priest of Rome. In that instance +the hero is certainly wrong; yet in all other cases with regard to drink, +he is manifestly right. To tell people that they are never to drink a +glass of ale or wine themselves, or to give one to others, is cant; and +the writer has no toleration for cant of any description. Some cants are +not dangerous; but the writer believes that a more dangerous cant than +the temperance cant, or as it is generally called, teetotalism, is +scarcely to be found. The writer is willing to believe that it +originated with well-meaning, though weak people; but there can be no +doubt that it was quickly turned to account by people who were neither +well meaning nor weak. Let the reader note particularly the purpose to +which this cry has been turned in America; the land, indeed, _par +excellence_, of humbug and humbug cries. It is there continually in the +mouth of the most violent political party, and is made an instrument of +almost unexampled persecution. The writer would say more on the +temperance cant, both in England and America, but want of space prevents +him. There is one point on which he cannot avoid making a few brief +remarks--that is the inconsistent conduct of its apostles in general. The +teetotal apostle says, it is a dreadful thing to be drunk. So it is, +teetotaller; but if so, why do you get drunk? I get drunk? Yes, unhappy +man, why do you get drunk on smoke and passion? Why are your garments +impregnated with the odour of the Indian weed? Why is there a pipe or a +cigar always in your mouth? Why is your language more dreadful than that +of a Poissarde? Tobacco-smoke is more deleterious than ale, teetotaller; +bile more potent than brandy. You are fond of telling your hearers what +an awful thing it is to die drunken. So it is, teetotaller. Then take +good care that you do not die with smoke and passion, drunken, and with +temperance language on your lips; that is, abuse and calumny against all +those who differ from you. One word of sense you have been heard to say, +which is, that spirits may be taken as a medicine. Now you are in a +fever of passion, teetotaller; so, pray take this tumbler of brandy; take +it on the homoeopathic principle, that heat is to be expelled by heat. +You are in a temperance fury, so swallow the contents of this tumbler, +and it will, perhaps, cure you. You look at the glass wistfully--you say +you occasionally take a glass medicinally--and it is probable you do. +Take one now. Consider what a dreadful thing it would be to die passion +drunk; to appear before your Maker with _in_temperate language on your +lips. That's right! You don't seem to wince at the brandy. That's +right!--well done! All down in two pulls. Now you look like a +reasonable being! + +If the conduct of Lavengro with regard to drink is open to little +censure, assuredly the use which he makes of his fists is entitled to +none at all. Because he has a pair of tolerably strong fists, and knows +to a certain extent how to use them, is he a swaggerer or oppressor? To +what ill account does he turn them? Who more quiet, gentle, and +inoffensive than he? He beats off a ruffian who attacks him in a dingle; +has a kind of friendly tussle with Mr. Petulengro, and behold the extent +of his fistic exploits. + +Ay, but he associates with prize-fighters; and that very fellow, +Petulengro, is a prize-fighter, and has fought for a stake in a ring. +Well, and if he had not associated with prize-fighters, how could he have +used his fists? Oh, anybody can use his fists in his own defence, +without being taught by prize-fighters. Can they? Then why does not the +Italian, or Spaniard, or Affghan use his fists when insulted or outraged, +instead of having recourse to the weapons which he has recourse to? +Nobody can use his fists without being taught the use of them by those +who have themselves been taught, no more than any one can "whiffle" +without being taught by a master of the art. Now let any man of the +present day try to whiffle. Would not any one who wished to whiffle have +to go to a master of the art. Assuredly! but where would he find one at +the present day? The last of the whifflers hanged himself about a +fortnight ago on a bell-rope in a church steeple of "the old town," from +pure grief that there was no further demand for the exhibition of his +art, there being no demand for whiffling since the discontinuation of +Guildhall banquets. Whiffling is lost. The old chap left his sword +behind him; let any one take up the old chap's sword and try to whiffle. +Now much the same hand as he would make who should take up the whiffler's +sword and try to whiffle, would he who should try to use his fists who +had never had the advantage of a master. Let no one think that men use +their fists naturally in their own disputes--men have naturally recourse +to any other thing to defend themselves or to offend others; they fly to +the stick, to the stone, to the murderous and cowardly knife, or to abuse +as cowardly as the knife, and occasionally more murderous. Now which is +best when you hate a person, or have a pique against a person, to clench +your fist and say "Come on," or to have recourse to the stone, the knife, +or murderous calumny? The use of the fist is almost lost in England. Yet +are the people better than they were when they knew how to use their +fists? The writer believes not. A fisty combat is at present a great +rarity, but the use of the knife, the noose, and of poison, to say +nothing of calumny, are of more frequent occurrence in England than +perhaps in any country in Europe. Is polite taste better than when it +could bear the details of a fight? The writer believes not. Two men +cannot meet in a ring to settle a dispute in a manly manner without some +trumpery local newspaper letting loose a volley of abuse against "the +disgraceful exhibition," in which abuse it is sure to be sanctioned by +its dainty readers; whereas some murderous horror, the discovery, for +example, of the mangled remains of a woman in some obscure den, is +greedily seized hold on by the moral journal, and dressed up for its +readers, who luxuriate and gloat upon the ghastly dish. Now, the writer +of Lavengro has no sympathy with those who would shrink from striking a +blow, but would not shrink from the use of poison or calumny; and his +taste has little in common with that which cannot tolerate the hardy +details of a prize-fight, but which luxuriates on descriptions of the +murder dens of modern England. But prize-fighters and pugilists are +blackguards, a reviewer has said; and blackguards they would be provided +they employed their skill and their prowess for purposes of brutality and +oppression; but prize-fighters and pugilists are seldom friends to +brutality and oppression; and which is the blackguard, the writer would +ask, he who uses his fists to take his own part, or instructs others to +use theirs for the same purpose, or the being who from envy and malice, +or at the bidding of a malicious scoundrel, endeavours by calumny, +falsehood, and misrepresentation to impede the efforts of lonely and +unprotected genius? + +One word more about the race, all but extinct, of the people +opprobriously called prize-fighters. Some of them have been as noble, +kindly men as the world ever produced. Can the rolls of the English +aristocracy exhibit names belonging to more noble, more heroic men than +those who were called respectively Pearce, Cribb, and Spring? Did ever +one of the English aristocracy contract the seeds of fatal consumption by +rushing up the stairs of a burning edifice, even to the topmost garret, +and rescuing a woman from seemingly inevitable destruction? The writer +says No. A woman was rescued from the top of a burning house; but the +man who rescued her was no aristocrat; it was Pearce, not Percy, who ran +up the burning stairs. Did ever one of those glittering ones save a +fainting female from the libidinous rage of six ruffians? The writer +believes not. A woman was rescued from the libidinous fury of six +monsters on . . . Down; but the man who rescued her was no aristocrat; it +was Pearce, not Paulet, who rescued the woman, and thrashed my lord's six +gamekeepers--Pearce, whose equal never was, and probably never will be, +found in sturdy combat. Are there any of the aristocracy of whom it can +be said that they never did a cowardly, cruel, or mean action, and that +they invariably took the part of the unfortunate and weak against cruelty +and oppression? As much can be said of Cribb, of Spring, and the other; +but where is the aristocrat of whom as much can be said? Wellington? +Wellington, indeed! a skilful general, and a good man of valour, it is +true, but with that cant word of "duty" continually on his lips, did he +rescue Ney from his butchers? Did he lend a helping hand to Warner? + +In conclusion, the writer would strongly advise those of his +country-folks who may read his book to have nothing to do with the two +kinds of canting nonsense described above, but in their progress through +life to enjoy as well as they can, but always with moderation, the good +things of this world, to put confidence in God, to be as independent as +possible, and to take their own parts. If they are low-spirited, let +them not make themselves foolish by putting on sackcloth, drinking water, +or chewing ashes, but let them take wholesome exercise, and eat the most +generous food they can get, taking up and reading occasionally, not the +lives of Ignatius Loyola and Francis Spira, but something more agreeable; +for example, the life and adventures of Mr. Duncan Campbell, the deaf and +dumb gentleman; the travels of Captain Falconer in America, and the +Journal of John Randall, who went to Virginia and married an Indian wife; +not forgetting, amidst their eating and drinking, their walks over +heaths, and by the sea-side, and their agreeable literature, to be +charitable to the poor, to read the Psalms, and to go to church twice on +a Sunday. In their dealings with people, to be courteous to everybody, +as Lavengro was, but always independent like him; and if people meddle +with them, to give them as good as they bring, even as he and Isopel +Berners were in the habit of doing; and it will be as well for him to +observe that he by no means advises women to be too womanly, but bearing +the conduct of Isopel Berners in mind, to take their own parts, and if +anybody strikes them, to strike again. + +Beating of women by the lords of the creation has become very prevalent +in England since pugilism has been discountenanced. Now the writer +strongly advises any woman who is struck by a ruffian to strike him +again; or if she cannot clench her fists, and he advises all women in +these singular times to learn to clench their fists, to go at him with +tooth and nail, and not to be afraid of the result, for any fellow who is +dastard enough to strike a woman, would allow himself to be beaten by a +woman, were she to make at him in self-defence, even if, instead of +possessing the stately height and athletic proportions of the aforesaid +Isopel, she were as diminutive in stature, and had a hand as delicate, +and a foot as small, as a certain royal lady, who was some time ago +assaulted by a fellow upwards of six feet high, whom the writer has no +doubt she could have beaten had she thought proper to go at him. Such is +the deliberate advice of the author to his countrymen and women--advice +in which he believes there is nothing unscriptural or repugnant to common +sense. + +The writer is perfectly well aware that, by the plain language which he +has used in speaking of the various kinds of nonsense prevalent in +England, he shall make himself a multitude of enemies; but he is not +going to conceal the truth, or to tamper with nonsense, from the fear of +provoking hostility. He has a duty to perform, and he will perform it +resolutely; he is the person who carried the Bible to Spain; and as +resolutely as he spoke in Spain against the superstitions of Spain, will +he speak in England against the nonsense of his own native land. He is +not one of those who, before they sit down to write a book, say to +themselves, what cry shall we take up? what principles shall we advocate? +what principles shall we abuse? before we put pen to paper we must find +out what cry is the loudest, what principle has the most advocates, +otherwise, after having written our book, we may find ourselves on the +weaker side. + +A sailor of the "Bounty," waked from his sleep by the noise of the +mutiny, lay still in his hammock for some time, quite undecided whether +to take part with the captain, or to join the mutineers. "I must mind +what I do," said he to himself, "lest, in the end, I find myself on the +weaker side;" finally, on hearing that the mutineers were successful, he +went on deck, and seeing Bligh pinioned to the mast, he put his fist to +his nose, and otherwise insulted him. Now, there are many writers of the +present day whose conduct is very similar to that of the sailor. They +lie listening in their corners till they have ascertained which principle +has most advocates; then, presently, they make their appearance on the +deck of the world with their book; if truth has been victorious, then has +truth their hurrah! but if truth is pinioned against the mast, then is +their fist thrust against the nose of truth, and their gibe and their +insult spirted in her face. The strongest party had the sailor, and the +strongest party has almost invariably the writer of the present day. + + + +CHAPTER IX. PSEUDO-CRITICS. + + +A certain set of individuals calling themselves critics have attacked +Lavengro with much virulence and malice. If what they call criticism had +been founded on truth, the author would have had nothing to say. The +book contains plenty of blemishes, some of them, by-the-bye, wilful ones, +as the writer will presently show; not one of these, however, has been +detected and pointed out; but the best passages in the book, indeed +whatever was calculated to make the book valuable, have been assailed +with abuse and misrepresentation. The duty of the true critic is to play +the part of a leech, and not of a viper. Upon true and upon malignant +criticism there is an excellent fable by the Spaniard Iriarte. The viper +says to the leech, "Why do people invite your bite, and flee from mine?" +"Because," says the leech, "people receive health from my bite, and +poison from yours." "There is as much difference," says the clever +Spaniard, "between true and malignant criticism, as between poison and +medicine." Certainly a great many meritorious writers have allowed +themselves to be poisoned by malignant criticism; the writer, however, is +not one of those who allow themselves to be poisoned by pseudo-critics; +no! no! he will rather hold them up by their tails, and show the +creatures wriggling, blood and foam streaming from their broken jaws. +First of all, however, he will notice one of their objections. "The book +isn't true," say they. Now one of the principal reasons with those that +have attacked Lavengro for their abuse of it is, that it is particularly +true in one instance, namely, that it exposes their own nonsense, their +love of humbug, their slavishness, their dressings, their goings out, +their scraping and bowing to great people; it is the showing up of +"gentility nonsense" in Lavengro that has been one principal reason for +the raising of the above cry; for in Lavengro is denounced the besetting +folly of the English people, a folly which those who call themselves +guardians of the public taste are far from being above. "We can't abide +anything that isn't true!" they exclaim. Can't they? Then why are they +so enraptured with any fiction that is adapted to purposes of humbug, +which tends to make them satisfied with their own proceedings, with their +own nonsense, which does not tell them to reform, to become more alive to +their own failings, and less sensitive about the tyrannical goings on of +the masters, and the degraded condition, the sufferings, and the trials +of the serfs in the star Jupiter? Had Lavengro, instead of being the +work of an independent mind, been written in order to further any of the +thousand and one cants, and species of nonsense prevalent in England, the +author would have heard much less about its not being true, both from +public detractors and private censurers. + +"But Lavengro pretends to be an autobiography," say the critics; and here +the writer begs leave to observe, that it would be well for people who +profess to have a regard for truth, not to exhibit in every assertion +which they make a most profligate disregard of it; this assertion of +theirs is a falsehood, and they know it to be a falsehood. In the +preface Lavengro is stated to be a dream; and the writer takes this +opportunity of stating that he never said it was an autobiography; never +authorised any person to say that it was one; and that he has in +innumerable instances declared in public and private, both before and +after the work was published, that it was not what is generally termed an +autobiography: but a set of people who pretend to write criticisms on +books, hating the author for various reasons,--amongst others, because, +having the proper pride of a gentleman and a scholar, he did not, in the +year '43, choose to permit himself to be exhibited and made a zany of in +London, and especially because he will neither associate with, nor curry +favour with, them who are neither gentlemen nor scholars,--attack his +book with abuse and calumny. He is, perhaps, condescending too much when +he takes any notice of such people; as, however, the English public is +wonderfully led by cries and shouts, and generally ready to take part +against any person who is either unwilling or unable to defend himself, +he deems it advisable not to be altogether quiet with those who assail +him. The best way to deal with vipers is to tear out their teeth; and +the best way to deal with pseudo-critics is to deprive them of their +poison-bag, which is easily done by exposing their ignorance. The writer +knew perfectly well the description of people with whom he would have to +do, he therefore very quietly prepared a stratagem, by means of which he +could at any time exhibit them, powerless and helpless, in his hand. +Critics, when they review books, ought to have a competent knowledge of +the subjects which those books discuss. + +Lavengro is a philological book, a poem if you choose to call it so. Now, +what a fine triumph it would have been for those who wished to vilify the +book and its author, provided they could have detected the latter +tripping in his philology--they might have instantly said that he was an +ignorant pretender to philology--they laughed at the idea of his taking +up a viper by its tail, a trick which hundreds of country urchins do +every September, but they were silent about the really wonderful part of +the book, the philological matter--they thought philology was his +stronghold, and that it would be useless to attack him there; they of +course would give him no credit as a philologist, for anything like fair +treatment towards him was not to be expected at their hands, but they +were afraid to attack his philology--yet that was the point, and the only +point, in which they might have attacked him successfully; he was +vulnerable there. How was this? Why, in order to have an opportunity of +holding up pseudo-critics by the tails, he wilfully spelt various foreign +words wrong--Welsh words, and even Italian words--did they detect these +misspellings? not one of them, even as he knew they would not, and he now +taunts them with ignorance; and the power of taunting them with ignorance +is the punishment which he designed for them--a power which they might +but for their ignorance have used against him. The writer, besides +knowing something of Italian and Welsh, knows a little of Armenian +language and literature, but who knowing anything of the Armenian +language, unless he had an end in view, would say that the word for sea +in Armenian is anything like the word tide in English? The word for sea +in Armenian is dzow, a word connected with the Tebetian word for water, +and the Chinese shuy, and the Turkish su, signifying the same thing; but +where is the resemblance between dzow and tide? Again, the word for +bread in ancient Armenian is hats; yet the Armenian on London Bridge is +made to say zhats, which is not the nominative of the Armenian noun for +bread, but the accusative: now, critics, ravening against a man because +he is a gentleman and a scholar, and has not only the power but also the +courage to write original works, why did not you discover that weak +point? Why, because you were ignorant, so here ye are held up! Moreover, +who with a name commencing with Z, ever wrote fables in Armenian? There +are two writers of fables in Armenian--Varthan and Koscht, and +illustrious writers they are, one in the simple, and the other in the +ornate style of Armenian composition, but neither of their names begins +with a Z. Oh, what a precious opportunity ye lost, ye ravening crew, of +convicting the poor, half-starved, friendless boy of the book, of +ignorance or misrepresentation, by asking who with a name beginning with +Z ever wrote fables in Armenian; but ye couldn't help yourselves, ye are +duncie. We duncie! Ay, duncie. So here ye are held up by the tails, +blood and foam streaming from your jaws. + +The writer wishes to ask here, what do you think of all this, Messieurs +les Critiques? Were ye ever served so before? But don't you richly +deserve it? Haven't you been for years past bullying and insulting +everybody whom you deemed weak, and currying favour with everybody whom +ye thought strong? "_We_ approve of this. We disapprove of that. Oh, +this will never do. These are fine lines!" The lines perhaps some +horrid sycophantic rubbish addressed to Wellington, or Lord So-and-so. To +have your ignorance thus exposed, to be shown up in this manner, and by +whom? A gypsy! Ay, a gypsy was the very right person to do it. But is +it not galling after all? + +Ah, but _we_ don't understand Armenian, it cannot be expected that _we_ +should understand Armenian, or Welsh, or . . . Hey, what's this? The +mighty _we_ not understand Armenian or Welsh, or . . . Then why does the +mighty _we_ pretend to review a book like Lavengro? From the arrogance +with which it continually delivers itself, one would think that the +mighty _we_ is omniscient; that it understands every language; is versed +in every literature; yet the mighty _we_ does not even know the word for +bread in Armenian. It knows bread well enough by name in English, and +frequently bread in England only by its name, but the truth is, that the +mighty _we_, with all its pretension, is in general a very sorry +creature, who, instead of saying nous disons, should rather say nous dis: +Porny in his "Guerre des Dieux," very profanely makes the three in one +say, Je faisons; now, Lavengro, who is anything but profane, would +suggest that critics, especially magazine and Sunday newspaper critics, +should commence with nous dis, as the first word would be significant of +the conceit and assumption of the critic, and the second of the extent of +the critic's information. The _we_ says its say, but when fawning +sycophancy or vulgar abuse are taken from that say, what remains? Why a +blank, a void like Ginnungagap. + +As the writer, of his own accord, has exposed some of the blemishes of +his book--a task which a competent critic ought to have done--he will now +point out two or three of its merits, which any critic, not altogether +blinded with ignorance, might have done, or not replete with gall and +envy would have been glad to do. The book has the merit of communicating +a fact connected with physiology, which in all the pages of the multitude +of books was never previously mentioned--the mysterious practice of +touching objects to baffle the evil chance. The miserable detractor +will, of course, instantly begin to rave about such a habit being common: +well and good; but was it ever before described in print, or all +connected with it dissected? He may then vociferate something about +Johnson having touched:--the writer cares not whether Johnson--who, by- +the-bye, during the last twenty or thirty years, owing to people having +become ultra Tory mad from reading Scott's novels and the "Quarterly +Review," has been a mighty favourite, especially with some who were in +the habit of calling him a half crazy old fool--touched, or whether he +did not; but he asks where did Johnson ever describe the feelings which +induced him to perform the magic touch, even supposing that he did +perform it? Again, the history gives an account of a certain book called +the "Sleeping Bard," the most remarkable prose work of the most difficult +language but one, of modern Europe,--a book, for a notice of which, he +believes, one might turn over in vain the pages of any review printed in +England, or, indeed, elsewhere.--So here are two facts, one literary and +the other physiological, for which any candid critic was bound to thank +the author, even as in the Romany Rye there is a fact connected with Iro +Norman Myth, for the disclosing of which any person who pretends to have +a regard for literature is bound to thank him, namely, that the +mysterious Finn or Fingal of "Ossian's Poems" is one and the same person +as the Sigurd Fofnisbane of the Edda and the Wilkina, and the Siegfried +Horn of the Lay of the Niebelungs. + +The writer might here conclude, and, he believes, most triumphantly; as, +however, he is in the cue for writing, which he seldom is, he will for +his own gratification, and for the sake of others, dropping metaphors +about vipers and serpents, show up in particular two or three sets or +cliques of people, who, he is happy to say, have been particularly +virulent against him and his work, for nothing indeed could have given +him greater mortification than their praise. + +In the first place, he wishes to dispose of certain individuals who call +themselves men of wit and fashion--about town--who he is told have abused +his book "vaustly"--their own word. These people paint their cheeks, +wear white kid gloves, and dabble in literature, or what they conceive to +be literature. For abuse from such people, the writer was prepared. Does +any one imagine that the writer was not well aware, before he published +his book, that, whenever he gave it to the world, he should be attacked +by every literary coxcomb in England who had influence enough to procure +the insertion of a scurrilous article in a magazine or newspaper! He has +been in Spain, and has seen how invariably the mule attacks the horse; +now why does the mule attack the horse? Why, because the latter carries +about with him that which the envious hermaphrodite does not possess. + +They consider, forsooth, that his book is low--but he is not going to +waste words about them--one or two of whom, he is told, have written very +duncie books about Spain, and are highly enraged with him, because +certain books which he wrote about Spain were not considered duncie. No, +he is not going to waste words upon them, for verily he dislikes their +company, and so he'll pass them by, and proceed to others. + +The Scotch Charlie o'er the water people have been very loud in the abuse +of Lavengro--this again might be expected; the sarcasms of the Priest +about the Charlie o'er the water nonsense of course stung them. Oh! it +is one of the claims which Lavengro has to respect, that it is the first, +if not the only work, in which that nonsense is, to a certain extent, +exposed. Two or three of their remarks on passages of Lavengro, he will +reproduce and laugh at. Of course your Charlie o'er the water people are +genteel exceedingly, and cannot abide anything low. Gypsyism they think +is particularly low, and the use of gypsy words in literature beneath its +gentility; so they object to gypsy words being used in Lavengro where +gypsies are introduced speaking--"What is Romany forsooth?" say they. +Very good! And what is Scotch? has not the public been nauseated with +Scotch for the last thirty years? "Ay, but Scotch is not"--the writer +believes he knows much better than the Scotch what Scotch is and what it +is not; he has told them before what it is, a very sorry jargon. He will +now tell them what it is not--a sister or an immediate daughter of the +Sanscrit, which Romany is. "Ay, but the Scotch are"--foxes, foxes, +nothing else than foxes, even like the gypsies--the difference between +the gypsy and Scotch fox being that the first is wild, with a mighty +brush, the other a sneak with a gilt collar and without a tail. + +A Charlie o'er the water person attempts to be witty, because the writer +has said that perhaps a certain old Edinburgh High School porter, of the +name of Boee, was perhaps of the same blood as a certain Bui, a Northern +Kemp who distinguished himself at the battle of Horinger Bay. A pretty +matter, forsooth, to excite the ridicule of a Scotchman! Why, is there a +beggar or trumpery fellow in Scotland who does not pretend to be +somebody, or related to somebody? Is not every Scotchman descended from +some king, kemp, or cow-stealer of old, by his own account at least? Why, +the writer would even go so far as to bet a trifle that the poor creature +who ridicules Boee's supposed ancestry, has one of his own, at least as +grand and as apocryphal as old Boee's of the High School. + +The same Charlie o'er the water person is mightily indignant that +Lavengro should have spoken disrespectfully of William Wallace; Lavengro, +when he speaks of that personage, being a child of about ten years old, +and repeating merely what he had heard. All the Scotch, by-the-bye, for +a great many years past, have been great admirers of William Wallace, +particularly the Charlie o'er the water people, who in their nonsense- +verses about Charlie generally contrive to bring in the name of William, +Willie, or Wullie Wallace. The writer begs leave to say that he by no +means wishes to bear hard against William Wallace, but he cannot help +asking why, if William, Willie, or Wullie Wallace was such a particularly +nice person, did his brother Scots betray him to a certain renowned +southern warrior, called Edward Longshanks, who caused him to be hanged +and cut into four in London, and his quarters to be placed over the gates +of certain towns? They got gold, it is true, and titles, very nice +things no doubt; but, surely, the life of a patriot is better than all +the gold and titles in the world--at least Lavengro thinks so,--but +Lavengro has lived more with gypsies than Scotchmen, and gypsies do not +betray their brothers. It would be some time before a gypsy would hand +over his brother to the harum-beck, even supposing you would not only +make him a king, but a justice of the peace, and not only give him the +world, but the best farm on the Holkham estate; but gypsies are wild +foxes, and there is certainly a wonderful difference between the way of +thinking of the wild fox who retains his brush, and that of the scurvy +kennel creature who has lost his tail. + +Ah! but thousands of Scotch, and particularly the Charlie o'er the water +people, will say, "We didn't sell Willie Wallace, it was our forbears who +sold Willie Wallace . . . If Edward Longshanks had asked us to sell +Wullie Wallace, we would soon have shown him that" . . . Lord better ye, +ye poor trumpery set of creatures, ye would not have acted a bit better +than your forefathers; remember how ye have ever treated the few amongst +ye who, though born in the kennel, have shown something of the spirit of +the wood. Many of ye are still alive who delivered over men, quite as +honest and patriotic as William Wallace, into the hands of an English +minister, to be chained and transported for merely venturing to speak and +write in the cause of humanity, at the time when Europe was beginning to +fling off the chains imposed by kings and priests. And it is not so very +long since Burns, to whom ye are now building up obelisks rather higher +than he deserves, was permitted by his countrymen to die in poverty and +misery, because he would not join with them in songs of adulation to +kings and the trumpery great. So say not that ye would have acted with +respect to William Wallace one whit better than your fathers--and you in +particular, ye children of Charlie, whom do ye write nonsense-verses +about? A family of dastard despots, who did their best, during a century +and more, to tread out the few sparks of independent feeling still +glowing in Scotland--but enough has been said about ye. Amongst those +who have been prodigal in abuse and defamation of Lavengro, have been +your modern Radicals, and particularly a set of people who filled the +country with noise against the King and Queen, Wellington and the Tories, +in '32. About these people the writer will presently have occasion to +say a good deal, and also of real Radicals. As, however, it may be +supposed that he is one of those who delight to play the sycophant to +kings and queens, to curry favour with Tories, and to bepraise +Wellington, he begs leave to state that such is not the case. + +About kings and queens he has nothing to say; about Tories, simply that +he believes them to be a bad set; about Wellington, however, it will be +necessary for him to say a good deal, of mixed import, as he will +subsequently frequently have occasion to mention him in connection with +what he has to say about pseudo-Radicals. + + + +CHAPTER X. PSEUDO-RADICALS. + + +About Wellington, then, he says, that he believes him at the present day +to be infinitely overrated. But there certainly was a time when he was +shamefully underrated. Now what time was that? Why, the time of pseudo- +radicalism, _par excellence_, from '20 to '32. Oh, the abuse that was +heaped on Wellington by those who traded in radical cant--your newspaper +editors and review writers! and how he was sneered at then by your Whigs, +and how faintly supported he was by your Tories, who were half ashamed of +him; for your Tories, though capital fellows as followers, when you want +nobody to back you, are the faintest creatures in the world when you cry +in your agony, "Come and help me!" Oh, assuredly Wellington was +infamously used at that time, especially by your traders in Radicalism, +who howled at and hooted him; said he had every vice--was no general--was +beaten at Waterloo--was a poltroon--moreover, a poor illiterate creature, +who could scarcely read or write; nay, a principal Radical paper said +bodily he could not read, and devised an ingenious plan for teaching +Wellington how to read. Now this was too bad; and the writer, being a +lover of justice, frequently spoke up for Wellington, saying that as for +vice, he was not worse than his neighbours; that he was brave; that he +won the fight at Waterloo, from a half-dead man, it is true, but that he +did win it. Also, that he believed he had read "Rules for the Manual and +Platoon Exercises" to some purpose; moreover, that he was sure he could +write, for that he, the writer, had once written to Wellington, and had +received an answer from him; nay, the writer once went so far as to +strike a blow for Wellington; for the last time he used his fists was +upon a Radical sub-editor, who was mobbing Wellington in the street, from +behind a rank of grimy fellows; but though the writer spoke up for +Wellington to a certain extent when he was shamefully underrated, and +once struck a blow for him when he was about being hustled, he is not +going to join in the loathsome sycophantic nonsense which it has been the +fashion to use with respect to Wellington these last twenty years. Now +what have those years been to England? Why, the years of +ultra-gentility, everybody in England having gone gentility mad during +the last twenty years, and no people more so than your pseudo-Radicals. +Wellington was turned out, and your Whigs and Radicals got in, and then +commenced the period of ultra-gentility in England. The Whigs and +Radicals only hated Wellington as long as the patronage of the country +was in his hands, none of which they were tolerably sure he would bestow +on them; but no sooner did they get it into their own, than they +forthwith became admirers of Wellington. And why? Because he was a +duke, petted at Windsor and by foreign princes, and a very genteel +personage. Formerly many of your Whigs and Radicals had scarcely a +decent coat on their backs; but now the plunder of the country was at +their disposal, and they had as good a chance of being genteel as any +people. So they were willing to worship Wellington because he was very +genteel, and could not keep the plunder of the country out of their +hands. And Wellington has been worshipped, and prettily so, during the +last fifteen or twenty years. He is now a noble, fine-hearted creature; +the greatest general the world ever produced; the bravest of men; +and--and--mercy upon us! the greatest of military writers! Now the +present writer will not join in such sycophancy. As he was not afraid to +take the part of Wellington when he was scurvily used by all parties, and +when it was dangerous to take his part, so he is not afraid to speak the +naked truth about Wellington in these days, when it is dangerous to say +anything about him but what is sycophantically laudatory. He said, in +'32, that as to vice, Wellington was not worse than his neighbours; but +he is not going to say, in '54, that Wellington was a noble-hearted +fellow; for he believes that a more cold-hearted individual never +existed. His conduct to Warner, the poor Vaudois, and Marshal Ney, +showed that. He said, in '32, that he was a good general and a brave +man; but he is not going, in '54, to say that he was the best general, or +the bravest man the world ever saw. England has produced a better +general--France two or three--both countries many braver men. The son of +the Norfolk clergyman was a braver man; Marshal Ney was a braver man. Oh, +that battle of Copenhagen! Oh, that covering the retreat of the Grand +Army! And though he said in '32 that he could write, he is not going to +say in '54 that he is the best of all military writers. On the contrary, +he does not hesitate to say that any Commentary of Julius Caesar, or any +chapter in Justinus, more especially the one about the Parthians, is +worth the ten volumes of Wellington's Despatches; though he has no doubt +that, by saying so, he shall especially rouse the indignation of a +certain newspaper, at present one of the most genteel journals +imaginable--with a slight tendency to liberalism, it is true, but +perfectly genteel--which is nevertheless the very one which, in '32, +swore bodily that Wellington could neither read nor write, and devised an +ingenious plan for teaching him how to read. + +Now, after the above statement, no one will venture to say, if the writer +should be disposed to bear hard upon Radicals, that he would be +influenced by a desire to pay court to princes, or to curry favour with +Tories, or from being a blind admirer of the Duke of Wellington; but the +writer is not going to declaim against Radicals, that is, real +Republicans, or their principles; upon the whole, he is something of an +admirer of both. The writer has always had as much admiration for +everything that is real and honest as he has had contempt for the +opposite. Now real Republicanism is certainly a very fine thing, a much +finer thing than Toryism, a system of common robbery, which is +nevertheless far better than Whiggism {351}--a compound of petty larceny, +popular instruction, and receiving of stolen goods. Yes, real +Republicanism is certainly a very fine thing, and your real Radicals and +Republicans are certainly very fine fellows, or rather were fine fellows, +for the Lord only knows where to find them at the present day--the writer +does not. If he did, he would at any time go five miles to invite one of +them to dinner, even supposing that he had to go to a workhouse in order +to find the person he wished to invite. Amongst the real Radicals of +England, those who flourished from the year '16 to '20, there were +certainly extraordinary characters, men partially insane, perhaps, but +honest and brave--they did not make a market of the principles which they +professed, and never intended to do so; they believed in them, and were +willing to risk their lives in endeavouring to carry them out. The +writer wishes to speak in particular of two of these men, both of whom +perished on the scaffold--their names were Thistlewood and Ings. +Thistlewood, the best known of them, was a brave soldier, and had served +with distinction as an officer in the French service: he was one of the +excellent swordsmen of Europe; had fought several duels in France, where +it is no child's play to fight a duel; but had never unsheathed his sword +for single combat, but in defence of the feeble and insulted--he was kind +and open-hearted, but of too great simplicity; he had once ten thousand +pounds left him, all of which he lent to a friend, who disappeared and +never returned him a penny. Ings was an uneducated man, of very low +stature, but amazing strength and resolution, he was a kind husband and +father, and though a humble butcher, the name he bore was one of the +royal names of the heathen Anglo-Saxons. These two men, along with five +others, were executed, and their heads hacked off, for levying war +against George the Fourth; the whole seven dying in a manner which +extorted cheers from the populace; the most of them uttering +philosophical or patriotic sayings. Thistlewood, who was, perhaps, the +most calm and collected of all, just before he was turned off, said, "We +are now going to discover the great secret." Ings, the moment before he +was choked, was singing "Scots wha ha' wi' Wallace bled." Now there was +no humbug about those men, nor about many more of the same time and of +the same principles. They might be deluded about Republicanism, as +Algernon Sidney was, and as Brutus was, but they were as honest and brave +as either Brutus or Sidney; and as willing to die for their principles. +But the Radicals who succeeded them were beings of a very different +description; they jobbed and traded in Republicanism, and either parted +with it, or at the present day are eager to part with it for a +consideration. In order to get the Whigs into power, and themselves +places, they brought the country by their inflammatory language to the +verge of a revolution, and were the cause that many perished on the +scaffold; by their incendiary harangues and newspaper articles they +caused the Bristol conflagration, for which six poor creatures were +executed; they encouraged the mob to pillage, pull down and burn, and +then rushing into garrets looked on. Thistlewood tells the mob the Tower +is a second Bastile; let it be pulled down. A mob tries to pull down the +Tower; but Thistlewood is at the head of that mob; he is not peeping from +a garret on Tower Hill like Gulliver at Lisbon. Thistlewood and Ings say +to twenty ragged individuals, Liverpool and Castlereagh are two +satellites of despotism; it would be highly desirable to put them out of +the way. And a certain number of ragged individuals are surprised in a +stable in Cato Street, making preparations to put Castlereagh and +Liverpool out of the way, and are fired upon with muskets by Grenadiers, +and are hacked at with cutlasses by Bow Street runners; but the twain who +encouraged those ragged individuals to meet in Cato Street are not far +off, they are not on the other side of the river, in the Borough, for +example, in some garret or obscure cellar. The very first to confront +the Guards and runners are Thistlewood and Ings; Thistlewood whips his +long thin rapier through Smithers' lungs, and Ings makes a dash at +Fitzclarence with his butcher's knife. Oh, there was something in those +fellows! honesty and courage--but can as much be said for the inciters of +the troubles of '32. No; they egged on poor ignorant mechanics and +rustics, and got them hanged for pulling down and burning, whilst the +highest pitch to which their own daring ever mounted was to mob +Wellington as he passed in the streets. + +Now, these people were humbugs, which Thistlewood and Ings were not. They +raved and foamed against kings, queens, Wellington, the aristocracy, and +what not, till they had got the Whigs into power, with whom they were in +secret alliance, and with whom they afterwards openly joined in a system +of robbery and corruption, more flagitious than the old Tory one, because +there was more cant about it; for themselves they got consulships, +commissionerships, and in some instances governments; for their sons +clerkships in public offices; and there you may see those sons with the +never-failing badge of the low scoundrel-puppy, the gilt chain at the +waistcoat pocket; and there you may hear and see them using the +languishing tones, and employing the airs and graces which wenches use +and employ, who, without being in the family way, wish to make their +keepers believe that they are in the family way. Assuredly great is the +cleverness of your Radicals of '32, in providing for themselves and their +families. Yet, clever as they are, there is one thing they cannot +do--they get governments for themselves, commissionerships for their +brothers, clerkships for their sons, but there is one thing beyond their +craft--they cannot get husbands for their daughters, who, too ugly for +marriage, and with their heads filled with the nonsense they have imbibed +from gentility novels, go over from Socinus to the Pope, becoming sisters +in fusty convents, or having heard a few sermons in Mr. Platitude's +"chapelle," seek for admission at the establishment of mother S . . ., +who, after employing them for a time in various menial offices, and +making them pluck off their eyebrows hair by hair, generally dismisses +them on the plea of sluttishness; whereupon they return to their papas to +eat the bread of the country, with the comfortable prospect of eating it +still in the shape of a pension after their sires are dead. Papa (_ex +uno disce omnes_) living as quietly as he can; not exactly enviably it is +true, being now and then seen to cast an uneasy and furtive glance +behind, even as an animal is wont, who has lost by some mischance a very +sightly appendage; as quietly however as he can, and as dignifiedly, a +great admirer of every genteel thing and genteel personage, the Duke in +particular, whose "Despatches," bound in red morocco, you will find on +his table. A disliker of coarse expressions, and extremes of every kind, +with a perfect horror for revolutions and attempts to revolutionise, +exclaiming now and then, as a shriek escapes from whipped and bleeding +Hungary, a groan from gasping Poland, and a half-stifled curse from +downtrodden but scowling Italy, "Confound the revolutionary canaille, why +can't it be quiet!" in a word, putting one in mind of the parvenu in the +"Walpurgis Nacht." The writer is no admirer of Gothe, but the idea of +that parvenu was certainly a good one. Yes, putting one in mind of the +individual who says-- + + "Wir waren wahrlich auch nicht dumm, + Und thaten oft was wir nicht sollten; + Doch jetzo kehrt sich alles um und um, + Und eben da wir's fest erhalten wollten." + + We were no fools, as every one discern'd, + And stopp'd at nought our projects in fulfilling; + But now the world seems topsy-turvy turn'd, + To keep it quiet just when we were willing. + +Now, this class of individuals entertain a mortal hatred for Lavengro and +its writer, and never lose an opportunity of vituperating both. It is +true that such hatred is by no means surprising. There is certainly a +great deal of difference between Lavengro and their own sons; the one +thinking of independence, and philology, whilst he is clinking away at +kettles, and hammering horse-shoes in dingles; the others stuck up at +public offices with gilt chains at their waistcoat-pockets, and giving +themselves the airs and graces of females of a certain description. And +there certainly _is_ a great deal of difference between the author of +Lavengro and themselves--he retaining his principles and his brush; they +with scarlet breeches on, it is true, but without their republicanism and +their tails. Oh, the writer can well afford to be vituperated by your +pseudo-Radicals of '32! + +Some time ago the writer was set upon by an old Radical and his wife; but +the matter is too rich not to require a chapter to itself. + + + +CHAPTER XI. THE OLD RADICAL. + + + "This very dirty man, with his very dirty face, + Would do any dirty act, which would get him a place." + +Some time ago the writer was set upon by an old Radical and his wife; but +before he relates the manner in which they set upon him, it will be as +well to enter upon a few particulars tending to elucidate their reasons +for doing so. + +The writer had just entered into his eighteenth year, when he met at the +table of a certain Anglo-Germanist, an individual, apparently somewhat +under thirty, of middle stature, a thin and weaselly figure, a sallow +complexion, a certain obliquity of vision, and a large pair of +spectacles. This person, who had lately come from abroad, and had +published a volume of translations, had attracted some slight notice in +the literary world, and was looked upon as a kind of lion in a small +provincial capital. After dinner he argued a great deal, spoke +vehemently against the Church, and uttered the most desperate Radicalism +that was perhaps ever heard, saying, he hoped that in a short time there +would not be a king or queen in Europe, and enveighing bitterly against +the English aristocracy, and against the Duke of Wellington in +particular, whom, he said, if he himself was ever president of an English +republic--an event which he seemed to think by no means improbable--he +would hang for certain infamous acts of profligacy and bloodshed which he +had perpetrated in Spain. Being informed that the writer was something +of a philologist, to which character the individual in question laid +great pretensions, he came and sat down by him, and talked about +languages and literature. The writer, who was only a boy, was a little +frightened at first, but, not wishing to appear a child of absolute +ignorance, he summoned what little learning he had, and began to blunder +out something about the Celtic languages and their literature, and asked +the Lion who he conceived Finn Ma Coul to be? and whether he did not +consider the "Ode to the Fox," by Red Rhys of Eryry, to be a masterpiece +of pleasantry? Receiving no answer to these questions from the Lion, +who, singular enough, would frequently, when the writer put a question to +him, look across the table, and flatly contradict some one who was +talking to some other person, the writer dropped the Celtic languages and +literature, and asked him whether he did not think it a funny thing that +Temugin, generally called Genghis Khan, should have married the daughter +of Prester John? {356} The Lion, after giving a side-glance at the +writer through his left spectacle glass, seemed about to reply, but was +unfortunately prevented, being seized with an irresistible impulse to +contradict a respectable doctor of medicine, who was engaged in +conversation with the master of the house at the upper and farther end of +the table, the writer, being a poor ignorant lad, sitting of course at +the bottom. The doctor, who had served in the Peninsula, having observed +that Ferdinand the Seventh was not quite so bad as had been represented, +the Lion vociferated that he was ten times worse, and that he hoped to +see him and the Duke of Wellington hanged together. The doctor, who, +being a Welshman, was somewhat of a warm temper, growing rather red, said +that at any rate he had been informed that Ferdinand the Seventh knew +sometimes how to behave himself like a gentleman--this brought on a long +dispute, which terminated rather abruptly. The Lion having observed that +the doctor must not talk about Spanish matters with one who had visited +every part of Spain, the doctor bowed and said he was right, for that he +believed no people in general possessed such accurate information about +countries as those who had travelled them as bagmen. On the Lion asking +the doctor what he meant, the Welshman, whose under jaw began to move +violently, replied that he meant what he said. Here the matter ended, +for the Lion, turning from him, looked at the writer. The writer, +imagining that his own conversation hitherto had been too trivial and +commonplace for the Lion to consider it worth his while to take much +notice of it, determined to assume a little higher ground, and after +repeating a few verses of the Koran, and gabbling a little Arabic, asked +the Lion what he considered to be the difference between the Hegira and +the Christian era, adding that he thought the general computation was in +error by about one year; and being a particularly modest person, chiefly, +he believes, owing to his having been at school in Ireland, absolutely +blushed at finding that the Lion returned not a word in answer. "What a +wonderful individual I am seated by," thought he, "to whom Arabic seems a +vulgar speech, and a question about the Hegira not worthy of an answer!" +not reflecting that as lions come from the Saharra, they have quite +enough of Arabic at home, and that the question about the Hegira was +rather mal a propos to one used to prey on the flesh of hadjis. "Now I +only wish he would vouchsafe me a little of his learning," thought the +boy to himself, and in this wish he was at last gratified; for the Lion, +after asking him whether he was acquainted at all with the Sclavonian +languages, and being informed that he was not, absolutely dumbfoundered +him by a display of Sclavonian erudition. + +Years rolled by--the writer was a good deal about, sometimes in London, +sometimes in the country, sometimes abroad; in London he occasionally met +the man of the spectacles, who was always very civil to him, and indeed +cultivated his acquaintance. The writer thought it rather odd that, +after he himself had become acquainted with the Sclavonian languages and +literature, the man of the spectacles talked little or nothing about +them. In a little time, however, the matter ceased to cause him the +slightest surprise, for he had discovered a key to the mystery. In the +meantime, the man of the spectacles was busy enough; he speculated in +commerce, failed, and paid his creditors twenty pennies in the pound; +published translations, of which the public at length became heartily +tired; having, indeed, got an inkling of the manner in which those +translations were got up. He managed, however, to ride out many a storm, +having one trusty sheet-anchor--Radicalism. This he turned to the best +advantage--writing pamphlets and articles in reviews, all in the Radical +interest, and for which he was paid out of the Radical fund; which +articles and pamphlets, when Toryism seemed to reel on its last legs, +exhibited a slight tendency to Whiggism. Nevertheless, his abhorrence of +desertion of principle was so great in the time of the Duke of +Wellington's administration, that when S . . . left the Whigs and went +over, he told the writer, who was about that time engaged with him in a +literary undertaking, that the said S . . . was a fellow with a character +so infamous, that any honest man would rather that you should spit in his +face, than insult his ears with the mention of the name of S . . . + +The literary project having come to nothing,--in which, by-the-bye, the +writer was to have all the labour, and his friend all the credit, +provided any credit should accrue from it,--the writer did not see the +latter for some years, during which time considerable political changes +took place; the Tories were driven from, and the Whigs placed in, office, +both events being brought about by the Radicals coalescing with the +Whigs, over whom they possessed great influence for the services which +they had rendered. When the writer next visited his friend, he found him +very much altered; his opinions were by no means so exalted as they had +been--he was not disposed even to be rancorous against the Duke of +Wellington, saying that there were worse men than he, and giving him some +credit as a general; a hankering after gentility seeming to pervade the +whole family, father and sons, wife and daughters, all of whom talked +about genteel diversions--gentility novels, and even seemed to look with +favour on high Churchism, having in former years, to all appearance, been +bigoted Dissenters. In a little time the writer went abroad; as, indeed, +did his friend; not, however, like the writer, at his own expense, but at +that of the country--the Whigs having given him a travelling appointment, +which he held for some years, during which he is said to have received +upwards of twelve thousand pounds of the money of the country, for +services which will, perhaps, be found inscribed on certain tablets, when +another Astolfo shall visit the moon. This appointment, however, he lost +on the Tories resuming power--when the writer found him almost as radical +and patriotic as ever, just engaged in trying to get into Parliament, +into which he got by the assistance of his Radical friends, who, in +conjunction with the Whigs, were just getting up a crusade against the +Tories, which they intended should be a conclusive one. + +A little time after the publication of "The Bible in Spain," the Tories +being still in power, this individual, full of the most disinterested +friendship for the author, was particularly anxious that he should be +presented with an official situation, in a certain region a great many +miles off. "You are the only person for that appointment," said he; "you +understand a great deal about the country, and are better acquainted with +the two languages spoken there than any one in England. Now I love my +country, and have, moreover, a great regard for you, and as I am in +Parliament, and have frequent opportunities of speaking to the Ministry, +I shall take care to tell them how desirable it would be to secure your +services. It is true they are Tories, but I think that even Tories would +give up their habitual love of jobbery in a case like yours, and for once +show themselves disposed to be honest men and gentlemen; indeed, I have +no doubt they will, for having so deservedly an infamous character, they +would be glad to get themselves a little credit, by a presentation which +could not possibly be traced to jobbery or favouritism." The writer +begged his friend to give himself no trouble about the matter, as he was +not desirous of the appointment, being in tolerably easy circumstances, +and willing to take some rest after a life of labour. All, however, that +he could say was of no use, his friend indignantly observing that the +matter ought to be taken entirely out of his hands, and the appointment +thrust upon him for the credit of the country. "But may not many people +be far more worthy of the appointment than myself?" said the writer. +"Where?" said the friendly Radical. "If you don't get it, it will be +made a job of, given to the son of some steward, or perhaps to some quack +who has done dirty work; I tell you what, I shall ask it for you, in +spite of you; I shall, indeed!" and his eyes flashed with friendly and +patriotic fervour through the large pair of spectacles which he wore. + +And, in fact, it would appear that the honest and friendly patriot put +his threat into execution. "I have spoken," said he, "more than once to +this and that individual in Parliament, and everybody seems to think that +the appointment should be given to you. Nay, that you should be forced +to accept it. I intend next to speak to Lord A . . ." And so he did, at +least it would appear so. On the writer calling upon him one evening, +about a week afterwards, in order to take leave of him, as the writer was +about to take a long journey for the sake of his health, his friend no +sooner saw him than he started up in a violent fit of agitation, and +glancing about the room, in which there were several people, amongst +others two Whig members of Parliament, said, "I am glad you are come; I +was just speaking about you. This," said he, addressing the two members, +"is so and so, the author of so and so, the well-known philologist; as I +was telling you, I spoke to Lord A . . . this day about him, and said +that he ought forthwith to have the head appointment in . . .; and what +did the fellow say? Why, that there was no necessity for such an +appointment at all, and if there were, why . . . and then he hummed and +ha'd. Yes," said he, looking at the writer, "he did indeed. What a +scandal! what an infamy! But I see how it will be, it will be a job. The +place will be given to some son of a steward or to some quack, as I said +before. Oh, these Tories! Well, if this does not make one . . ." Here +he stopped short, crunched his teeth, and looked the image of +desperation. + +Seeing the poor man in this distressed condition, the writer begged him +to be comforted, and not to take the matter so much to heart; but the +indignant Radical took the matter very much to heart, and refused all +comfort whatever, bouncing about the room, and, whilst his spectacles +flashed in the light of four spermaceti candles, exclaiming, "It will be +a job--a Tory job! I see it all, I see it all, I see it all!" + +And a job it proved, and a very pretty job, but no Tory job; shortly +afterwards the Tories were out, and the Whigs were in. From that time +the writer heard not a word about the injustice done to the country in +not presenting him with the appointment to . . .; the Radical, however, +was busy enough to obtain the appointment, not for the writer, but for +himself, and eventually succeeded, partly through Radical influence, and +partly through that of a certain Whig lord, for whom the Radical had +done, on a particular occasion, work of a particular kind. So, though +the place was given to a quack, and the whole affair a very pretty job, +it was one in which the Tories had certainly no hand. + +In the meanwhile, however, the friendly Radical did not drop the writer. +Oh, no! On various occasions he obtained from the writer all the +information he could about the country in question, and was particularly +anxious to obtain from the writer, and eventually did obtain, a copy of a +work written in the court language of that country, edited by the writer. +A language exceedingly difficult, which the writer, at the expense of a +considerable portion of his eyesight, had acquired, at least as far as by +the eyesight it could be acquired. What use the writer's friend made of +the knowledge he had gained from him, and what use he made of the book, +the writer can only guess; but he has little doubt that when the question +of sending a person to . . . was mooted in a Parliamentary +Committee--which it was at the instigation of the Radical supporters of +the writer's friend--the Radical, on being examined about the country, +gave the information which he had obtained from the writer as his own, +and flashed the book and its singular characters in the eyes of the +Committee; and then of course his Radical friends would instantly say, +"This is the man! there is no one like him. See what information he +possesses; and see that book written by himself in the court language of +Serendib. This is the only man to send there. What a glory, what a +triumph it would be to Britain, to send out a man so deeply versed in the +mysterious lore of . . ., as our illustrious countryman; a person who +with his knowledge could beat with their own weapons the wise men of . . . +Is such an opportunity to be lost? Oh, no! surely not; if it is, it +will be an eternal disgrace to England, and the world will see that Whigs +are no better than Tories." + +Let no one think the writer uncharitable in these suppositions. The +writer is only too well acquainted with the antecedents of the individual +to entertain much doubt that he would shrink from any such conduct, +provided he thought that his temporal interest would be forwarded by it. +The writer is aware of more than one instance in which he has passed off +the literature of friendless young men for his own, after making them a +slight pecuniary compensation, and deforming what was originally +excellent by interpolations of his own. This was his especial practice +with regard to translation, of which he would fain be esteemed the king. +This Radical literato is slightly acquainted with four or five of the +easier dialects of Europe, on the strength of which knowledge he would +fain pass for a universal linguist, publishing translations of pieces +originally written in various difficult languages; which translations, +however, were either made by himself from literal renderings done for him +into French or German, or had been made from the originals into English, +by friendless young men, and then deformed by his alterations. + +Well, the Radical got the appointment, and the writer certainly did not +grudge it him. He, of course, was aware that his friend had behaved in a +very base manner towards him, but he bore him no ill-will, and invariably +when he heard him spoken against, which was frequently the case, took his +part when no other person would; indeed, he could well afford to bear him +no ill-will. He had never sought for the appointment, nor wished for it, +nor, indeed, ever believed himself qualified for it. He was conscious, +it is true, that he was not altogether unacquainted with the language and +literature of the country with which the appointment was connected. He +was likewise aware that he was not altogether deficient in courage and in +propriety of behaviour. He knew that his appearance was not particularly +against him; his face not being like that of a convicted pickpocket, nor +his gait resembling that of a fox who has lost his tail; yet he never +believed himself adapted for the appointment, being aware that he had no +aptitude for the doing of dirty work, if called to do it, nor pliancy +which would enable him to submit to scurvy treatment, whether he did +dirty work or not--requisites, at the time of which he is speaking, +indispensable in every British official; requisites, by-the-bye, which +his friend, the Radical, possessed in a high degree; but though he bore +no ill-will towards his friend, his friend bore anything but good-will +towards him; for from the moment that he had obtained the appointment for +himself, his mind was filled with the most bitter malignity against the +writer, and naturally enough; for no one ever yet behaved in a base +manner towards another without forthwith conceiving a mortal hatred +against him. You wrong another, know yourself to have acted basely, and +are enraged, not against yourself--for no one hates himself--but against +the innocent cause of your baseness; reasoning very plausibly, "But for +that fellow, I should never have been base; for had he not existed I +could not have been so, at any rate against him;" and this hatred is all +the more bitter when you reflect that you have been needlessly base. + +Whilst the Tories are in power the writer's friend, of his own accord, +raves against the Tories because they do not give the writer a certain +appointment, and makes, or says he makes, desperate exertions to make +them do so; but no sooner are the Tories out, with whom he has no +influence, and the Whigs in, with whom he, or rather his party, has +influence, than he gets the place for himself, though, according to his +own expressed opinion--an opinion with which the writer does not, and +never did, concur--the writer was the only person competent to hold it. +Now had he, without saying a word to the writer, or about the writer with +respect to the employment, got the place for himself when he had an +opportunity, knowing, as he very well knew, himself to be utterly +unqualified for it, the transaction, though a piece of jobbery, would not +have merited the title of a base transaction; as the matter stands, +however, who can avoid calling the whole affair not only a piece of--come, +come, out with the word--scoundrelism on the part of the writer's friend, +but a most curious piece of uncalled-for scoundrelism? and who, with any +knowledge of fallen human nature, can wonder at the writer's friend +entertaining towards him a considerable portion of gall and malignity? + +This feeling on the part of the writer's friend was wonderfully increased +by the appearance of Lavengro, many passages of which the Radical in his +foreign appointment applied to himself and family--one or two of his +children having gone over to Popery, the rest become members of Mr. +Platitude's chapel, and the minds of all being filled with ultra notions +of gentility. + +The writer, hearing that his old friend had returned to England, to +apply, he believes, for an increase of salary and for a title, called +upon him, unwillingly, it is true, for he had no wish to see a person for +whom, though he bore him no ill-will, he could not avoid feeling a +considerable portion of contempt; the truth is, that his sole object in +calling was to endeavour to get back a piece of literary property which +his friend had obtained from him many years previously, and which, though +he had frequently applied for it, he never could get back. Well, the +writer called; he did not get his property, which, indeed, he had +scarcely time to press for, being almost instantly attacked by his good +friend and his wife--yes, it was then that the author was set upon by an +old Radical and his wife--the wife, who looked the very image of shame +and malignity, did not say much, it is true, but encouraged her husband +in all he said. Both of their own accord introduced the subject of +Lavengro. The Radical called the writer a grumbler, just as if there had +ever been a greater grumbler than himself until, by the means above +described, he had obtained a place: he said that the book contained a +melancholy view of human nature--just as if anybody could look in his +face without having a melancholy view of human nature. On the writer +quietly observing that the book contained an exposition of his +principles, the pseudo-Radical replied that he cared nothing for his +principles--which was probably true, it not being likely that he would +care for another person's principles after having shown so thorough a +disregard for his own. The writer said that the book, of course, would +give offence to humbugs; the Radical then demanded whether he thought him +a humbug?--the wretched wife was the Radical's protection, even as he +knew she would be; it was on her account that the writer did not kick his +good friend; as it was, he looked at him in the face and thought to +himself, "How is it possible I should think you a humbug, when only last +night I was taking your part in a company in which everybody called you a +humbug?" + +The Radical, probably observing something in the writer's eye which he +did not like, became all on a sudden abjectly submissive, and, professing +the highest admiration for the writer, begged him to visit him in his +government; this the writer promised faithfully to do, and he takes the +present opportunity of performing his promise. + +This is one of the pseudo-Radical calumniators of Lavengro and its +author; were the writer on his death-bed he would lay his hand on his +heart and say, that he does not believe that there is one trait of +exaggeration in the portrait which he has drawn. This is one of the +pseudo-Radical calumniators of Lavengro and its author; and this is one +of the genus who, after having railed against jobbery for perhaps a +quarter of a century, at present batten on large official salaries which +they do not earn. England is a great country, and her interests require +that she should have many a well-paid official both at home and abroad; +but will England long continue a great country if the care of her +interests, both at home and abroad, is in many instances intrusted to +beings like him described above, whose only recommendation for an +official appointment was that he was deeply versed in the secrets of his +party and of the Whigs? + +Before he concludes, the writer will take the liberty of saying of +Lavengro that it is a book written for the express purpose of inculcating +virtue, love of country, learning, manly pursuits, and genuine religion, +for example, that of the Church of England, and for awakening a contempt +for nonsense of every kind, and a hatred for priestcraft, more especially +that of Rome. + +And in conclusion, with respect to many passages of his book in which he +has expressed himself in terms neither measured nor mealy, he will beg +leave to observe, in the words of a great poet, who lived a profligate +life it is true, but who died a sincere penitent--thanks, after God, to +good Bishop Burnet-- + + "All this with indignation I have hurl'd + At the pretending part of this proud world, + Who, swollen with selfish vanity, devise + False freedoms, formal cheats, and holy lies, + Over their fellow fools to tyrannise." + +--ROCHESTER. + +THE END. + + + + +Footnotes: + + +{0a} "Of anything like animal passion there is not a trace in all his +many volumes. Not a hint that he ever kissed a woman or ever took a +little child upon his knee. He was beardless: his voice was not the +voice of a man. His outbursts of wrath never translated themselves into +uncontrollable acts of violence; they showed themselves in all the +rancorous hatred that could be put into words--the fire smouldered in +that sad heart of his. Those big bones and huge muscles and the strong +brain were never to be reproduced in an offspring to be proud of. How if +he were the Narses of Literature--one who could be only what he was, +though we are always inclined to lament that he was not something +more?"--_Daily Chronicle_, _April_ 30, 1900. + +{42} The apothecary. + +{281} Tipperary. + +{311} This was written in 1854. + +{312} An obscene oath. + +{313} See "Muses' Library," pp. 86, 87. London, 1738. + +{314} Genteel with them seems to be synonymous with Gentile and Gentoo; +if so, the manner in which it has been applied for ages ceases to +surprise, for genteel is heathenish. Ideas of barbaric pearl and gold, +glittering armour, plumes, tortures, blood-shedding, and lust, should +always be connected with it, Wace, in his grand Norman poem, calls the +Baron genteel:-- + + "La furent li gentil Baron," etc. + +And he certainly could not have applied the word better than to the +strong Norman thief, armed cap-a-pie, without one particle of ruth or +generosity; for a person to be a pink of gentility, that is heathenism, +should have no such feelings; and, indeed, the admirers of gentility +seldom or never associate any such feelings with it. It was from the +Norman, the worst of all robbers and miscreants, who built strong +castles, garrisoned them with devils, and tore out poor wretches' eyes, +as the Saxon Chronicle says, that the English got their detestable word +genteel. What could ever have made the English such admirers of +gentility, it would be difficult to say, for, during three hundred years, +they suffered enough by it. Their genteel Norman landlords were their +scourgers, their torturers, the plunderers of their homes, the +dishonourers of their wives, and the deflowerers of their daughters. +Perhaps, after all, fear is at the root of the English veneration for +gentility. + +{316} Gentle and gentlemanly may be derived from the same root as +genteel; but nothing can be more distinct from the mere genteel, than the +ideas which enlightened minds associate with these words. Gentle and +gentlemanly mean something kind and genial; genteel, that which is +glittering or gaudy. A person can be a gentleman in rags, but nobody can +be genteel. + +{332} The writer has been checked in print by the Scotch with being a +Norfolk man. Surely, surely, these latter times have not been exactly +the ones in which it was expedient for Scotchmen to check the children of +any county in England with the place of their birth, more especially +those who have had the honour of being born in Norfolk--times in which +British fleets, commanded by Scotchmen, have returned laden with anything +but laurels from foreign shores. It would have been well for Britain had +she had the old Norfolk man to despatch to the Baltic or the Black Sea +lately, instead of Scotch admirals. + +{351} As the present work will come out in the midst of a vehement +political contest, people may be led to suppose that the above was +written expressly for the time. The writer therefore begs to state that +it was written in the year 1854. He cannot help adding that he is +neither Whig, Tory, nor Radical, and cares not a straw what party governs +England, provided it is governed well. But he has no hopes of good +government from the Whigs. It is true that amongst them there is one +very great man, Lord Palmerston, who is indeed the sword and buckler, the +chariots and the horses of the party; but it is impossible for his +lordship to govern well with such colleagues as he has--colleagues which +have been forced upon him by family influence, and who are continually +pestering him into measures anything but conducive to the country's +honour and interest. If Palmerston would govern well, he must get rid of +them; but from that step, with all his courage and all his greatness, he +will shrink. Yet how proper and easy a step it would be! He could +easily get better, but scarcely worse, associates. They appear to have +one object in view, and only one--jobbery. It was chiefly owing to a +most flagitious piece of jobbery, which one of his lordship's principal +colleagues sanctioned and promoted, that his lordship experienced his +late parliamentary disasters. + +{356} A fact. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ROMANY RYE*** + + +******* This file should be named 21206.txt or 21206.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/1/2/0/21206 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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