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diff --git a/21279-h/21279-h.htm b/21279-h/21279-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c739b31 --- /dev/null +++ b/21279-h/21279-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,874 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of 2 B R 0 2 B, by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center; + clear: both; } + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; } + + body{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + .center {text-align: center; font-weight: bold;} + .tr { text-align: left; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; + margin-top: 5%; margin-bottom: 5%; padding: 2em; + background-color: #f6f2f2; color: black; border: solid black 1px;} + + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of 2 B R 0 2 B, by Kurt Vonnegut + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: 2 B R 0 2 B + +Author: Kurt Vonnegut + +Release Date: May 3, 2007 [EBook #21279] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 2 B R 0 2 B *** + + + + +Produced by Robert Cicconetti, Geetu Melwani and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + + + + +<p class="tr"> <b>Transcriber's note.</b> +<br />This etext was produced from Worlds of If, January 1962. +Extensive research did not uncover any +evidence that the copyright on this publication was renewed.</p> + + + + + +<h4>Got a problem? Just pick up the phone. It solved them all—and all the +same way!</h4> + +<h1>2<br /> +B<br /> +R<br /> +0<br /> +2<br /> +B<br /></h1> + + +<h3>by KURT VONNEGUT, JR.</h3> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p>Everything was perfectly swell.</p> + +<p>There were no prisons, no slums, no insane asylums, no cripples, no +poverty, no wars.</p> + +<p>All diseases were conquered. So was old age.</p> + +<p>Death, barring accidents, was an adventure for volunteers.</p> + +<p>The population of the United States was stabilized at forty-million +souls.</p> + +<p>One bright morning in the Chicago Lying-in Hospital, a man named Edward +K. Wehling, Jr., waited for his wife to give birth. He was the only man +waiting. Not many people were born a day any more.</p> + +<p>Wehling was fifty-six, a mere stripling in a population whose average +age was one hundred and twenty-nine.</p> + +<p>X-rays had revealed that his wife was going to have triplets. The +children would be his first.</p> + +<p>Young Wehling was hunched in his chair, his head in his hand. He was so +rumpled, so still and colorless as to be virtually invisible. His +camouflage was perfect, since the waiting room had a disorderly and +demoralized air, too. Chairs and ashtrays had been moved away from the +walls. The floor was paved with spattered dropcloths.</p> + +<p>The room was being redecorated. It was being redecorated as a memorial +to a man who had volunteered to die.</p> + +<p>A sardonic old man, about two hundred years old, sat on a stepladder, +painting a mural he did not like. Back in the days when people aged +visibly, his age would have been guessed at thirty-five or so. Aging had +touched him that much before the cure for aging was found.</p> + +<p>The mural he was working on depicted a very neat garden. Men and women +in white, doctors and nurses, turned the soil, planted seedlings, +sprayed bugs, spread fertilizer.</p> + +<p>Men and women in purple uniforms pulled up weeds, cut down plants that +were old and sickly, raked leaves, carried refuse to trash-burners.</p> + +<p>Never, never, never—not even in medieval Holland nor old Japan—had a +garden been more formal, been better tended. Every plant had all the +loam, light, water, air and nourishment it could use.</p> + +<p>A hospital orderly came down the corridor, singing under his breath a +popular song:</p> + +<p> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">If you don't like my kisses, honey,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Here's what I will do:</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">I'll go see a girl in purple,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Kiss this sad world toodle-oo.</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">If you don't want my lovin',</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Why should I take up all this space?</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">I'll get off this old planet,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Let some sweet baby have my place.</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>The orderly looked in at the mural and the muralist. "Looks so real," +he said, "I can practically imagine I'm standing in the middle of it."</p> + +<p>"What makes you think you're not in it?" said the painter. He gave a +satiric smile. "It's called 'The Happy Garden of Life,' you know."</p> + +<p>"That's good of Dr. Hitz," said the orderly.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>He was referring to one of the male figures in white, whose head was a +portrait of Dr. Benjamin Hitz, the hospital's Chief Obstetrician. Hitz +was a blindingly handsome man.</p> + +<p>"Lot of faces still to fill in," said the orderly. He meant that the +faces of many of the figures in the mural were still blank. All blanks +were to be filled with portraits of important people on either the +hospital staff or from the Chicago Office of the Federal Bureau of +Termination.</p> + +<p>"Must be nice to be able to make pictures that look like something," +said the orderly.</p> + +<p>The painter's face curdled with scorn. "You think I'm proud of this +daub?" he said. "You think this is my idea of what life really looks +like?"</p> + +<p>"What's your idea of what life looks like?" said the orderly.</p> + +<p>The painter gestured at a foul dropcloth. "There's a good picture of +it," he said. "Frame that, and you'll have a picture a damn sight more +honest than this one."</p> + +<p>"You're a gloomy old duck, aren't you?" said the orderly.</p> + +<p>"Is that a crime?" said the painter.</p> + +<p>The orderly shrugged. "If you don't like it here, Grandpa—" he said, +and he finished the thought with the trick telephone number that people +who didn't want to live any more were supposed to call. The zero in the +telephone number he pronounced "naught."</p> + +<p>The number was: "2 B R 0 2 B."</p> + +<p>It was the telephone number of an institution whose fanciful sobriquets +included: "Automat," "Birdland," "Cannery," "Catbox," "De-louser," +"Easy-go," "Good-by, Mother," "Happy Hooligan," "Kiss-me-quick," "Lucky +Pierre," "Sheepdip," "Waring Blendor," "Weep-no-more" and "Why Worry?"</p> + +<p>"To be or not to be" was the telephone number of the municipal gas +chambers of the Federal Bureau of Termination.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>The painter thumbed his nose at the orderly. "When I decide it's time to +go," he said, "it won't be at the Sheepdip."</p> + +<p>"A do-it-yourselfer, eh?" said the orderly. "Messy business, Grandpa. +Why don't you have a little consideration for the people who have to +clean up after you?"</p> + +<p>The painter expressed with an obscenity his lack of concern for the +tribulations of his survivors. "The world could do with a good deal more +mess, if you ask me," he said.</p> + +<p>The orderly laughed and moved on.</p> + +<p>Wehling, the waiting father, mumbled something without raising his head. +And then he fell silent again.</p> + +<p>A coarse, formidable woman strode into the waiting room on spike heels. +Her shoes, stockings, trench coat, bag and overseas cap were all purple, +the purple the painter called "the color of grapes on Judgment Day."</p> + +<p>The medallion on her purple musette bag was the seal of the Service +Division of the Federal Bureau of Termination, an eagle perched on a +turnstile.</p> + +<p>The woman had a lot of facial hair—an unmistakable mustache, in fact. A +curious thing about gas-chamber hostesses was that, no matter how lovely +and feminine they were when recruited, they all sprouted mustaches +within five years or so.</p> + +<p>"Is this where I'm supposed to come?" she said to the painter.</p> + +<p>"A lot would depend on what your business was," he said. "You aren't +about to have a baby, are you?"</p> + +<p>"They told me I was supposed to pose for some picture," she said. "My +name's Leora Duncan." She waited.</p> + +<p>"And you dunk people," he said.</p> + +<p>"What?" she said.</p> + +<p>"Skip it," he said.</p> + +<p>"That sure is a beautiful picture," she said. "Looks just like heaven or +something."</p> + +<p>"Or something," said the painter. He took a list of names from his smock +pocket. "Duncan, Duncan, Duncan," he said, scanning the list. "Yes—here +you are. You're entitled to be immortalized. See any faceless body here +you'd like me to stick your head on? We've got a few choice ones left."</p> + +<p>She studied the mural bleakly. "Gee," she said, "they're all the same to +me. I don't know anything about art."</p> + +<p>"A body's a body, eh?" he said. "All righty. As a master of fine art, I +recommend this body here." He indicated a faceless figure of a woman who +was carrying dried stalks to a trash-burner.</p> + +<p>"Well," said Leora Duncan, "that's more the disposal people, isn't it? I +mean, I'm in service. I don't do any disposing."</p> + +<p>The painter clapped his hands in mock delight. "You say you don't know +anything about art, and then you prove in the next breath that you know +more about it than I do! Of course the sheave-carrier is wrong for a +hostess! A snipper, a pruner—that's more your line." He pointed to a +figure in purple who was sawing a dead branch from an apple tree. "How about +her?" he said. "You like her at all?"</p> + +<p>"Gosh—" she said, and she blushed and became humble—"that—that puts +me right next to Dr. Hitz."</p> + +<p>"That upsets you?" he said.</p> + +<p>"Good gravy, no!" she said. "It's—it's just such an honor."</p> + +<p>"Ah, You... you admire him, eh?" he said.</p> + +<p>"Who doesn't admire him?" she said, worshiping the portrait of Hitz. It +was the portrait of a tanned, white-haired, omnipotent Zeus, two hundred +and forty years old. "Who doesn't admire him?" she said again. "He was +responsible for setting up the very first gas chamber in Chicago."</p> + +<p>"Nothing would please me more," said the painter, "than to put you next +to him for all time. Sawing off a limb—that strikes you as +appropriate?"</p> + +<p>"That is kind of like what I do," she said. She was demure about what +she did. What she did was make people comfortable while she killed them.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>And, while Leora Duncan was posing for her portrait, into the +waitingroom bounded Dr. Hitz himself. He was seven feet tall, and he +boomed with importance, accomplishments, and the joy of living.</p> + +<p>"Well, Miss Duncan! Miss Duncan!" he said, and he made a joke. "What +are you doing here?" he said. "This isn't where the people leave. This +is where they come in!"</p> + +<p>"We're going to be in the same picture together," she said shyly.</p> + +<p>"Good!" said Dr. Hitz heartily. "And, say, isn't that some picture?"</p> + +<p>"I sure am honored to be in it with you," she said.</p> + +<p>"Let me tell you," he said, "I'm honored to be in it with you. Without +women like you, this wonderful world we've got wouldn't be possible."</p> + +<p>He saluted her and moved toward the door that led to the delivery rooms. +"Guess what was just born," he said.</p> + +<p>"I can't," she said.</p> + +<p>"Triplets!" he said.</p> + +<p>"Triplets!" she said. She was exclaiming over the legal implications of +triplets.</p> + +<p>The law said that no newborn child could survive unless the parents of +the child could find someone who would volunteer to die. Triplets, if +they were all to live, called for three volunteers.</p> + +<p>"Do the parents have three volunteers?" said Leora Duncan.</p> + +<p>"Last I heard," said Dr. Hitz, "they had one, and were trying to scrape +another two up."</p> + +<p>"I don't think they made it," she said. "Nobody made three appointments +with us. Nothing but singles going through today, unless somebody +called in after I left. What's the name?"</p> + +<p>"Wehling," said the waiting father, sitting up, red-eyed and frowzy. +"Edward K. Wehling, Jr., is the name of the happy father-to-be."</p> + +<p>He raised his right hand, looked at a spot on the wall, gave a hoarsely +wretched chuckle. "Present," he said.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Mr. Wehling," said Dr. Hitz, "I didn't see you."</p> + +<p>"The invisible man," said Wehling.</p> + +<p>"They just phoned me that your triplets have been born," said Dr. Hitz. +"They're all fine, and so is the mother. I'm on my way in to see them +now."</p> + +<p>"Hooray," said Wehling emptily.</p> + +<p>"You don't sound very happy," said Dr. Hitz.</p> + +<p>"What man in my shoes wouldn't be happy?" said Wehling. He gestured with +his hands to symbolize care-free simplicity. "All I have to do is pick +out which one of the triplets is going to live, then deliver my maternal +grandfather to the Happy Hooligan, and come back here with a receipt."</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>Dr. Hitz became rather severe with Wehling, towered over him. "You don't +believe in population control, Mr. Wehling?" he said.</p> + +<p>"I think it's perfectly keen," said Wehling tautly.</p> + +<p>"Would you like to go back to the good old days, when the population of +the Earth was twenty billion—about to become forty billion, then eighty +billion, then one hundred and sixty billion? Do you know what a drupelet +is, Mr. Wehling?" said Hitz.</p> + +<p>"Nope," said Wehling sulkily.</p> + +<p>"A drupelet, Mr. Wehling, is one of the little knobs, one of the little +pulpy grains of a blackberry," said Dr. Hitz. "Without population +control, human beings would now be packed on this surface of this old +planet like drupelets on a blackberry! Think of it!"</p> + +<p>Wehling continued to stare at the same spot on the wall.</p> + +<p>"In the year 2000," said Dr. Hitz, "before scientists stepped in and +laid down the law, there wasn't even enough drinking water to go around, +and nothing to eat but sea-weed—and still people insisted on their +right to reproduce like jackrabbits. And their right, if possible, to +live forever."</p> + +<p>"I want those kids," said Wehling quietly. "I want all three of them."</p> + +<p>"Of course you do," said Dr. Hitz. "That's only human."</p> + +<p>"I don't want my grandfather to die, either," said Wehling.</p> + +<p>"Nobody's really happy about taking a close relative to the Catbox," +said Dr. Hitz gently, sympathetically.</p> + +<p>"I wish people wouldn't call it that," said Leora Duncan.</p> + +<p>"What?" said Dr. Hitz.</p> + +<p>"I wish people wouldn't call it 'the Catbox,' and things like that," she +said. "It gives people the wrong impression."</p> + +<p>"You're absolutely right," said Dr. Hitz. "Forgive me." He corrected +himself, gave the municipal gas chambers their official title, a title +no one ever used in conversation. "I should have said, 'Ethical Suicide +Studios,'" he said.</p> + +<p>"That sounds so much better," said Leora Duncan.</p> + +<p>"This child of yours—whichever one you decide to keep, Mr. Wehling," +said Dr. Hitz. "He or she is going to live on a happy, roomy, clean, +rich planet, thanks to population control. In a garden like that mural +there." He shook his head. "Two centuries ago, when I was a young man, +it was a hell that nobody thought could last another twenty years. Now +centuries of peace and plenty stretch before us as far as the +imagination cares to travel."</p> + +<p>He smiled luminously.</p> + +<p>The smile faded as he saw that Wehling had just drawn a revolver.</p> + +<p>Wehling shot Dr. Hitz dead. "There's room for one—a great big one," he +said.</p> + +<p>And then he shot Leora Duncan. "It's only death," he said to her as she +fell. "There! Room for two."</p> + +<p>And then he shot himself, making room for all three of his children.</p> + +<p>Nobody came running. Nobody, seemingly, heard the shots.</p> + +<p>The painter sat on the top of his stepladder, looking down reflectively +on the sorry scene.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>The painter pondered the mournful puzzle of life demanding to be born +and, once born, demanding to be fruitful ... to multiply and to live as +long as possible—to do all that on a very small planet that would have +to last forever.</p> + +<p>All the answers that the painter could think of were grim. Even grimmer, +surely, than a Catbox, a Happy Hooligan, an Easy Go. He thought of war. +He thought of plague. He thought of starvation.</p> + +<p>He knew that he would never paint again. He let his paintbrush fall to +the drop-cloths below. And then he decided he had had about enough of +life in the Happy Garden of Life, too, and he came slowly down from the +ladder.</p> + +<p>He took Wehling's pistol, really intending to shoot himself.</p> + +<p>But he didn't have the nerve.</p> + +<p>And then he saw the telephone booth in the corner of the room. He went +to it, dialed the well-remembered number: "2 B R 0 2 B."</p> + +<p>"Federal Bureau of Termination," said the very warm voice of a hostess.</p> + +<p>"How soon could I get an appointment?" he asked, speaking very +carefully.</p> + +<p>"We could probably fit you in late this afternoon, sir," she said. "It +might even be earlier, if we get a cancellation."</p> + +<p>"All right," said the painter, "fit me in, if you please." And he gave +her his name, spelling it out.</p> + +<p>"Thank you, sir," said the hostess. "Your city thanks you; your country +thanks you; your planet thanks you. But the deepest thanks of all is +from future generations."</p> + + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p class="center">THE END</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of 2 B R 0 2 B, by Kurt Vonnegut + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 2 B R 0 2 B *** + +***** This file should be named 21279-h.htm or 21279-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/1/2/7/21279/ + +Produced by Robert Cicconetti, Geetu Melwani and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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