diff options
Diffstat (limited to '21590.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 21590.txt | 1772 |
1 files changed, 1772 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/21590.txt b/21590.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7f288a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/21590.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1772 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 98, +January 18, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 98, January 18, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: May 23, 2007 [EBook #21590] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by V. L. Simpson, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + +VOL. 98. + + + +January 18th, 1890. + + + +AMONG THE AMATEURS. + +No. III.--REALISATION. + + SCENE--_Theatre Royal, Blankbury, on the first night of + the performance of the well-known Comedy of_ "Heads or + Tails?" _by the "Thespian Perambulators." Time_, 7:50 + P.M. _A "brilliant and fashionable assemblage" is + gradually filling the house. In the Stalls are many + distinguished Amateurs of both Sexes, including_ Lady + SURBITON, _who has brought her husband_ and Mrs. + GAGMORE (Lady SURBITON'S _particular friend_). _The + rest of the Stalls are occupied by the immediate + friends and relations of the Actors. A few professional + Critics are to be seen. They are addressed with much + politeness by the Amateurs in front of the House, and + "played to" with feverish anxiety by the Amateurs on + the Stage. The Orchestra is composed of excellent + Amateur Musicians. The Curtain has not yet risen._ + +_Lady Surbiton_ (_to_ Mrs. GAGMORE). My dear, it's a wonder we ever got +here. CHARLES of course forgot the date, and told me only yesterday he'd +invited some men to stay for a shoot. He had to listen to reason, though, +and so we spent all yesterday sending telegrams to put them off. I've been +at every performance of The Thespians for years, and it wouldn't do to +begin missing them now, would it? + + [Illustration] + +_Mrs. Gagmore._ Certainly not, dear, it would have been quite a calamity. +There's the Duchess of MIDDLESEX nodding to you. + +_Lady S._ So it is. (_Smiles sweetly at the Duchess, who is sitting three +rows off._) I call it scandalous of her to come out like this when both her +twins have got the measles. Did I tell you I lent Mr. SPINKS my pet parrot, +Penelope, for this performance? + +_Mrs. G._ No, dear. I didn't know they ever played it with a parrot. + +_Lady S._ Well, they don't usually, but Mr. SPINKS told me that, after +studying the piece very very carefully, he had come to the conclusion that +there ought to be a parrot in _Lady Shorthorn's_ drawing-room, and he +begged me to lend him mine. Fortunately it scarcely ever talks. Oh, there's +Mr. PENFOLD! How old he's getting to look. He never seems to have a good +word to say for anyone in his critiques. They're very late in beginning. I +hope nothing has happened to Penelope. Ah! at last. + + _The Orchestra strikes up. After a few minutes the + Curtain rises on "the Drawing-room at Bullivant Court." + Sc. 1, Act 1._ HARRY HALL, _in livery as_ JOHN _the + Footman, is reclining on a sofa, reading a magazine. + Penelope, in her cage, is a conspicuous object on the_ + O.P. _side_. + +_John_ (_yawning_). "Nothink in the _Fortnightly_, as per usual. Heigh-ho! +This is slow work. Who's that?" + + _Enter_ BELINDA, _the Nursery-maid. The usual amatory + scene follows. They both disappear, as_ TIFFINGTON + SPINKS _enters made up as_ "Colonel DEBENHAM," _with a + saffron complexion, a grey moustache, a red tie and an + iron-grey wig. He shivers. A great deal of preliminary + applause. He bows with dignity, conscious of his fame, + and proceeds._ + +_Col. Debenham._ "Ugh! how horribly cold this is. I shall have to speak +seriously to SHORTHORN about the state of his fires." + +_Penelope the Parrot_ (_suddenly and with terrible distinctness_). "Old +fool!" [_A titter from the irreverent._ SPINKS _pays no heed to the +interruption._ + +_Lady Surbiton._ How awful! I declare I haven't heard Penelope speak for +six months. I hope to heaven she won't do it again. + +_Mrs. Gagmore._ I thought it sounded so natural. + +_Lord S._ So it did, that's why it was so out of place. He's getting on all +right now, though. + +_Col. Debenham_ (_concluding a peppery soliloquy_). "And as for Lady +SHORTHORN and that spiteful cat of a sister of hers, all I can say of TOM +DEBENHAM is----" + +_Penelope_ (_loudly_). "Old fool!" + + [_Whistles up and down the scale. Much laughter._ + SPINKS _feels that violent measures are necessary if + the piece is not to be utterly ruined. He perceives_ + JARP _standing at the wings made up as_ BINNS _the + Butler. A happy thought flashes on him. He nods + meaningly at_ JARP. + +_Col. Debenham_ (_improvising gag_). "Oh, confound that bird! I must have +it removed. I'll ring for the butler." + + [_Rings. Enter_ JARP _as_ BINNS. + +_Binns._ "'Er Ladyship's compliments, Colonel DEBENHAM, and she would +like----" + +_Spinks_ (_in a whisper of concentrated fury to_ JARP). Not yet; take that +infernal parrot away, quick! + +_Jarp_ (_loses his head; still the Butler is strong within him_). "'Er +Ladyship is served!" + +_Spinks_ (_aloud_). "Oh, nonsense--nonsense, man! You're an idiot. Here, +take this bird, and kill it!" + + [_Seizes cage, thrusts it into the flustered_ JARP'S + _arms, and pushes him off, the Parrot, horribly + frightened, yelling, "Old fool!"_ + +_Lady Surbiton._ How dare he speak of Penelope in that way? Kill her! If +Mr. JARP so much as lays a finger upon her---- + +_Lord S._ She'll bite him. Oh, you may make your mind quite easy about that +parrot. She's bitten every finger of mine to the bone, and I'm certain +she's quite equal to defending herself against JARP. + + _The Act proceeds without any further hitch, until_ + BELINDA _wheels on her double perambulator containing + two red-headed infants, one of whom is terrified into + tears and calls for "Father!" in a shrill voice. After + this everything, however, goes well, and the Curtain + falls amidst thunders of applause._ + + +BEHIND THE CURTAIN. + +_Spinks._ Yes, GUSHBY, I believe you did it. You were closeted with that +parrot for an hour yesterday. I believe you deliberately taught it to say +that, in order to crab my part. What's more, I'm certain of it, for I +distinctly recognised your voice in the parrot's. + +_Gushby._ Pooh! nonsense! If I had taught it to say anything, it would have +been something worse than that, you may be sure. + +_Spinks._ You always were kind. As for JARP, he was in the plot. Otherwise +do you think any man could have made such a fool of himself? + + +IN FRONT OF THE CURTAIN. + +_Lady Surbiton._ That's what I've always said. There's so much _esprit de +corps_ and good feeling amongst Amateurs--none of that wretched jealousy +and bickering which ruins professionals. + +_Mrs. Gagmore._ It is delightful to listen to them, certainly. They all +look and act like perfect gentlemen. All Mr. JARP'S Butlers are splendid. +You can see at a glance that they have only been with good families. + + +BEHIND THE CURTAIN. + +_Hon. B. Boldero._ I fancy we shall have good notices to-morrow in the +_Morning Moonbeam_. I saw PENFOLD laughing immensely. + +_Spinks_ (_down on his luck_). Did you? (_Plucking up a bit._) Well, it +"went" capitally. It was only that blessed parrot. + + [_Goes off intending to buy several copies of next + morning's "Moonbeam."_ + + +IN FRONT OF THE CURTAIN. + +_Mr. Penfold_ (_to his neighbour, a brother journalist_): Are you going to +write anything about this? I have got to do a short notice for the _Morning +Moonbeam_. It's no use abusing these fellows. That's been tried. I'll give +them a little butter this time, and see whether that won't stop them. How +would it do to say something like this?--"We advise the Thespians to keep +clear as much as they can of professionalism. Of course, tradition demands +that the ladies' parts should be played by professionals, but the +introduction of a professional parrot and a professional baby in the First +Act was a mistake, which might have ruined the performance." + + [_His Friend nods approval. Exeunt severally. Imagine + tableau next day. Delight of Amateurs on reading the + notice of their performance in the "Moonbeam."_ + + * * * * * + +HOLIDAY CATECHISM. + +_Mr. P._ Now little Master JACK HORNER, from your corner in Drury Lane, +what plums do you pick out of the Pantomime? + +_Master J. H._ The Hansom Cab and King HARRY (NICHOLLS) returning home +confronted by the Queen, then the GRIFFITHS Cow, the Giant's Dinner and his +Servants, and the Dame LENO'S wonderful Fowl. + +_Mr. P._ What else? + +_Master J. H._ Lots of things, but at the Circus at Covent Garden, the +Shetland Ponies lovely. They come first, so you must be early. + +_Mr. P._ Did you see anything else that pleased you? + +_Master J. H._ I should think so. Such a game! Mlle. GOU-GOU quite shocked +my little sister POLLY, by her strange conduct. But when it turned out that +he was a man, how we laughed! It _was_ funny. + +_Mr. P._ And I suppose you stayed for the Lion? + +_Master J. H._ You may be sure we did! POLLY was a little frightened at +first; but when we found that the Royal Dane Boarhound and the Horse didn't +mind him a bit, why we didn't mind either. Isn't it wonderful? Oh, you +ought to go and see them. They are prime! + + * * * * * + + BARNUM'S MOTTO.--"_Tout a fait La Shows._" + + * * * * * + +MUZZLED AND PUZZLED; OR, "LOVE ME, LOVE MY DOG." + +(_A Carol of Kentish Conservatism. Some way after Goldsmith._) + + + [Illustration] + + + _Good Tories all, of County Kent, + Give ear unto my song, + And spare your puerile intent + To do your Party wrong._ + + * * * * + + There was a mighty Minister, + To power appointed late; + A virtuous and valiant _Vir_, + A Pillar of the State. + + If one who doth fat oxen drive + Should in himself be fat, + This Minister seemed bound to thrive + As to his post most pat. + + A more bucolic personage + Bucolics never sang; + And when he took that post and wage, + All round his praises rang. + + O'er Agriculture to preside, + CHAPLIN was surely born; + He bore his honours with the pride + Of Chanticleer at morn. + + In Kent there were some Tories found, + For Tories still there be; + In fact, the species doth abound + In spite of W. G. + + CHAPLIN and they at first were friends, + But when a feud began + They--whom a little thing offends-- + Rounded on that good man. + + The motto of these Men of Kent + Was, "Love me, love my Dog;" + And soon with angry discontent + The County was agog. + + For CHAPLIN--it was like his cheek, + Cockiest of Ministers!-- + Quite supererogant, did seek + To muzzle Kentish Curs! + + Around to all the counties near + An angry protest ran; + To touch a Kentish dog, 'tis clear, + Touches a Kentish Man. + + Fanatic lovers of the hound + Scorn hygienic laws, + And though their dogs should snap all round + You must not bind their jaws. + + Restraint appeared both sore and sad + To every Kentish eye, + And, whilst they swore the Man was mad, + They swore the Dogs would die. + + Nay, more, there came _this_ fearsome threat + From true-blue Tory throats: + "With muzzles if our dogs you fret, + _You shall not have our votes!_" + + O patriots true! Rads grin with glee! + The puzzle CHAPLIN fogs; + 'Tis plain that Party loyalty + Is going to the dogs! + + Kent's choice 'twixt Party seems, and pup, + The question stirs the town, + Whether the Tories will give up, + Or CHAPLIN will climb down! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STUDIES IN REPARTEE. + +_Heavyside_ (_Author of "Epaminondas" and other unread Epics_). "BY THE +BYE, HOW MUCH DO _YOU_ WEIGH, BINKS?" + +_Little Binks._ "FOURTEEN STONE!" + +_Heavyside._ "DEAR ME! YOU DON'T LOOK VERY BIG, TO WEIGH ALL THAT!" + +_Little Binks._ "'_EPAMINONDAS_' DOESN'T _LOOK_ VERY BIG--BUT IT'S PRECIOUS +HEAVY!"] + + * * * * * + +SLAPS FOR SLIPPERS. + +SIR,--I am at a loss to understand what is the meaning of all this futile +discussion as to the respective merits of the various kinds of road +pavement. There cannot be a moment's doubt, as to which is, far and away, +the cheapest, the safest, and--in a word--the--best. Without any +hesitation, I maintain that it is the _Asphalte_. And I do not speak +without experience. For many years I have picked mine up from the box-seat +of a hearse, which I think my most virulent opponents will admit, from the +ticklish character of its cattle, accustomed as they are to a stiff, formal +and lugubrious method of progression, affords a test that must be regarded +as supreme by all candid and unprejudiced inquirers into the matter under +dispute. + +_In the wettest weather_ I have never had so much as a slip on the +asphalte, whereas the moment I have got on to the wood, when it has been +_comparatively dry_, I have frequently had the horses down as many as seven +or eight times in half a mile, and on one occasion, that I can recall, the +stumbling was so frequent, that the Chief Mourner stopped the procession, +and sent me an irritable message to the effect that, if I could not manage +to keep my horses more securely on their feet, I had better then and there +"hand over the corpse, and let it finish its journey to the Cemetery on the +top of the first mourning-coach." Fortunately, we came shortly to a bit of +asphalte, on which I was able to bowl merrily along, and make up for lost +time; and, as at length we reached the Cemetery only an hour and +three-quarters after the appointed time, the Chief Mourner, whatever may +have been his disposition to make complaints, had the good taste to keep +them to himself. Still, the incident was annoying, and I attribute its +occurrence simply and solely to that pest of all sure and stately-footed +hacks--_the Wood Pavement_. + + [Illustration] + +Beyond holding three thousand Preference Shares in the _European and +Inter-oceanic Asphalte Paving Company_, and having signed a contract to +supply them for seventeen years with the best Pine Pitch on favourable +terms, I have not the slightest interest to subserve in writing this +letter, which I think any quite impartial critic will allow, curtly, but +honestly, expresses the unprejudiced opinion of + + AN UNBIASSED JUDGMENT. + + +SIR,--I am a private gentleman, who keeps a carriage, or rather, a +four-horse coach, in which I am continually driving about all over London +at full speed. We dash at such a rate over those portions of the Metropolis +that are blessed with a wood pavement that my coachman is frequently +summoned for furious driving, but we have never yet had a horse down. No +sooner, however, do we get to the asphalte than all this is changed. +Leaders and wheelers alike are instantly on their backs, and I have now +made it a rule, the moment we come to a street paved with this dangerous +and detestable composition, to put my horses inside the coach, and, with +the assistance of a policeman or two, drag the vehicle to the other end +myself. Only yesterday, I think it was, on the north side of Leicester +Square, I counted as many as nineteen ugly falls in as many minutes, +necessitating, in nearly every case, the despatch of the creature on the +spot by a shot from a revolver. The fact is, the laying of _asphalte_ +anywhere should be made criminal in a Vestry. I write impartially on this +subject, as, beyond being a sleeping partner in a large firm of Wooden +Road-Paving Contractors, I have no sort of interest to serve, one way or +the other. But it must be obvious, from the account I have given of my own +personal experience above, that in addressing you on the subject, I am +actuated by no motives that are not consistent with and fitting to the +signature of + + AN UNPREJUDICED OBSERVER. + + +SIR,--I am in no way interested in the present pavement controversy, but I +would direct public attention to the real source of all the mischief, and +that is the ineffective shoeing of the unhappy horses, who are compelled to +struggle with the difficulties created for them by a parcel of Paving +Authorities. What we want is a general order issued by the Board of Trade +obliging all horse-owners to provide those they possess with a couple of +pairs of _The Patent India-rubber frog and flannel-soled Horse-Shoes_, +warranted to support the most stumbling beast on any pavement whatever. I +said I was in no way interested in the present controversy, and as I am +merely the Inventor of the shoe above referred to, it must be obvious, that +in making this communication to you, I am only fulfilling the commonest +duties of + + AN ORDINARY SPECTATOR. + + +SIR,--Will not you, or someone, step in and deal with the matter +comprehensively, without paying regard to vested interests? Surely, if the +right people would only put their heads together, they must hit on some +method of bettering the present wretched condition of those much ill-used +but patient and long-suffering creatures, among whom the first to subscribe +himself is + + THE ORDINARY LONDON OMNIBUS HORSE. + + * * * * * + + ANOTHER TITLE FOR THE GUIDE TO THE EXHIBITION AT THE + NEW GALLERY.--"New Edition of the _Tudor's Assistant_." + + * * * * * + + TO BE CREATED A KNIGHT HOSPITALLER.--Mr. PETER REID. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Another Version of "La Toss-ca." The Cow in the Drury Lane +Pantomime.] + + * * * * * + +THE JUBILEE OF THE PENNY POST. + + "On Jan. 10, 1840, the Penny Post became an + accomplished fact."--_Times_. + + ATTEND, all ye who like to hear a noble Briton's praise! + I tell of valiant deeds one wrought in the Century's early days: + When all the legions of Red Tape against him tore in vain, + Man of stout will, brave ROWLAND HILL, of true heroic strain. + + It was about the gloomy close of Eighteen Thirty Nine, + MELBOURNE and PEEL began to melt, the P.O. "sticks" to pine, + For vainly the Official ranks and the Obstructive host + Had formed and squared 'gainst ROWLAND HILL'S plan, of the Penny Post. + Still poor men paid their Ninepences for sending one thin sheet + From Bethnal Green to Birmingham by service far from fleet; + Still she who'd post a _billet doux_ to Dublin from Thames shore, + For loving word and trope absurd must stump up One-and-four; + Still frequent "friendly lines" were barred to all save Wealth and Rank, + Or Parliamentary "pots" who held the privilege of "Frank;" + Still people stooped to dubious dodge and curious device + To send their letters yet evade the most preposterous price; + Still to despatch to London Town a business "line or two" + Would cost a Connemara peasant half his weekly "screw;" + Still mothers, longing much for news, must let their letter lie + Unread at country post-offices, the postage being too high + For their lean purses, unprepared. And Trade was hampered then, + And Love was checked, and barriers raised--by cost--'twixt men and men. + Then up and spake brave ROWLAND HILL in accents clear and warm, + "This misery can be mended! Read my _Post Office Reform_!" + St. Stephens heard, and "Red Tape" read, and both cried out "Pooh! Pooh! + The fellow is a lunatic; his plan will never do!" + All this was fifty years ago. And now,--well, are there any + Who do not bless brave ROWLAND HILL and his ubiquitous Penny? + One head, if 'tis a _thinking_ one, is very often better + Than two, or twenty millions! That's just why _we_ get our letter + From Aberdeen, or Melbourne, from Alaska or Japan, + So cheaply, quickly, certainly--thanks to one stout-soul'd Man. + + Fifty years since! In Eighteen Forty, he, the lunatic, + Carried his point. Wiseacres winced; Obstruction "cut its stick." + He won the day, stout ROWLAND HILL, and then they made him Knight. + If universal benefit unmarred by bane gives right + To titles, which are often won by baseness or a fluke, + The founder of the Penny Post deserved to be a Duke. + But then he's something better--a fixed memory, a firm fame; + For long as the World "drops a line," it cannot drop his name. + 'Tis something like a Jubilee, this tenth of Janua-_ree_! + _Punch_ brims a bumper to its hero, cheers him three times three, + For if there was a pioneer in Civilisation's host, + It was the cheery-hearted chap who schemed the Penny Post. + And when the croaking cravens, who are down on all Reform, + And shout their ancient shibboleth, and raise their tea-pot storm, + Whene'er there's talk of Betterment in any branch of State, + And vent their venom on the Wise, their greed upon the Great, + _Punch_ says to his true countrymen, "Peace, peace, good friends--be + still! + Reform does _not_ spell Ruin, lads. Remember ROWLAND HILL!!!" + + * * * * * + +A CURIOUS CURE. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, _January_13, 1890. + +So much attention is now bestowed upon the prevailing epidemic that I will +not apologise for troubling you with a letter detailing a case that has +recently come under my own notice. My eldest son, AUGUSTUS, returned home +from the educational establishment admirably conducted by my eminent and +reverend friend, Dr. SWISHTALE, apparently in excellent health and spirits, +shortly before Christmas Day. On the 4th (just a week before the date fixed +for his return to the educational establishment to which I have referred) +he showed symptoms of influenza. He complained of low spirits, seemed +inclined to quarrel with (and thrash) his younger brothers, and flatly +declined to accompany me to an inspection of the treasures contained in the +Natural Historical Museum at South Kensington. I immediately prescribed for +him a diet of bread and water, and an enforced retirement to bed. He spent +the remainder of the day in loudly-expressed expostulation and lamentation. +On the Sunday (after a consultation with his mother) I decided to adopt a +home treatment of kindness, which I trusted would prevent the necessity of +calling in our family doctor. I give the remainder of the case in diary +form. + +_Monday._--AUGUSTUS very poorly. Complains of pains in his head, arms, +legs, back, nose, and right little finger. Says he has no appetite, but, +urged by his mother, manages to eat for breakfast two sausages and a couple +of eggs. Quite unable to get up; but shortly before two o'clock, on +learning that I proposed visiting the Morning Performance at Her Majesty's +Theatre, expresses his desire to accompany me. He seemed to enjoy +_Cinderella_ thoroughly, in spite of his ailments; but, at the conclusion +of the performance, became so very languid, that we found it desirable to +take a Hansom home. + +_Tuesday._--AUGUSTUS prostrate. Pain in the right little finger +unconsciously shifted to the left little finger. He says he had nightmare +continuously, but "had not slept a wink." Breakfast, of course, in bed. No +appetite for anything save muffins, herrings, and marmalade on buttered +toast. Unable to move until one o'clock, when he thought (at the suggestion +of his mother) that a visit to the Crystal Palace might probably do him +good. The excursion was a happy thought, as certainly he seemed quite +himself at Sydenham. After a hearty dinner from soup and the joint, he once +more seemed languid, and had to be carried home by rail and cab. + +_Wednesday._--AUGUSTUS still very unwell. Seems much troubled at a dream he +has had, in which he apparently died through going back to school. Still +complains of insomnia. Says he did not close his eyes all night. Wished to +"punch the head" (to adopt his own phraseology) of his younger brother for +saying, that he had heard him snoring. However, recovered towards the +evening sufficiently to accompany the rest of the family to the Circus at +Covent Garden. In the theatre appeared more himself, but ill immediately +afterwards. + +_Thursday._--AUGUSTUS (according to his own account) alarmingly ill. Found +by his bedside a medical dictionary (taken from the shelves of my library) +which he says, he had been reading. He thinks, that he has all the worst +symptoms of _delirium tremens_. This is strange, as his habitual drink is +ginger-beer. He complains of pains in his ears, eyes, knees, elbows, and +big toes on both feet. Quite unable to get up before five o'clock, when he +was fortunately, sufficiently recovered to accompany his younger brothers +to a juvenile party and Christmas tree. According to SAMMY (my second son) +AUGUSTUS danced every dance, and served as an assistant to an amateur +conjuror. But this last statement I give with some reserve, as it does not +correspond with the report furnished by AUGUSTUS himself. + +_Friday._--AUGUSTUS at his worst. In the morning he alarmed his mother by a +passionate burst of weeping. He seems to think that, if he goes back to +school to-morrow, he will die immediately. Feeling that this was an +unhealthy state of mind, I took him to the Zoological Gardens in the +afternoon, and must confess that, while there, he appeared to experience a +keen delight in feeding the bears with fragments of newspaper, concealed in +stale buns. But at night his melancholia returned, and he was scarcely able +to eat his dinner. + +_Saturday._--Received a letter from my eminent and reverend friend, Dr. +SWISHTALE, informing me that, in consequence of the prevalence of +influenza, it had been thought advisable to extend the Christmas vacation +for a fortnight or three weeks. On conveying this intelligence to my eldest +son, he seemed to rapidly recover, and has (I am happy to say) been well +ever since. + +Trusting that the history of this singular case may afford some hints and +comfort to parents with children afflicted (as was my dear AUGUSTUS) with a +disease so eccentric in its ramifications as influenza, + + I remain, dear _Mr. Punch_, + + Yours most truly, SIMON SIMPLE WIDEAWAKE. + +_Malinger Villa, Blarney Road, S. W._ + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +THE CADI OF THE CURBSTONE. + + SCENE--_A thoroughfare near Hyde Park. Shortly before + Scene opens, an Elderly Gentleman has suddenly stopped + the cab in which he has been driving, and, without + offering to pay the fare, has got out and shuffled off + with a handbag. The Cabman has descended from his seat + and overtaken the old gentleman, who is now perceived + to be lamentably intoxicated. The usual crowd springs + up from nowhere, and follows the dispute with keen and + delighted interest._ + +_Cabman._ Look 'ere, you ain't goin' not without payin' _me_, you +know--where's my two shillings? + +_The Elderly Gentleman_ (_smiling sweetly, and balancing himself on his +heels against some railings_). I'm shure _I_ dunno. + +_Cabman._ Well, _look_, can't yer? don't keep me 'ere all day--feel in yer +pockets, come! + + [_The Old Gentleman makes an abortive effort to find a + pocket about him somewhere, and then relapses into + abstraction._ + +_Crowd._ Let 'im take 'is time, _he'll_ pay yer right enough, if you let +the man alone. + +_A Woman._ Ah, pore gentleman, the best of us is took like that sometimes! + + [_Murmurs of sympathy._ + +_Cabman._ I don't want no more than what's my own. 'E's rode in my keb, and +I want my fare out of 'im--an' I mean '_aving_ it, too! + + [_Here the Old Gentleman, who seems bored by the + discussion, abruptly serpentines off again and is + immediately overtaken and surrounded._ + +_The E. G._ Wha' d'ye mean? 'founded 'perrinence! Lemme 'lone ... 'portant +bishniss! + +_Cabman._ Pay me my fare,--or I'll have your bag! + + [_Seizes bag; the Elderly Gentleman resisting feebly, + and always smiling_. + +_Crowd._ Why can't yer pay the man his fare and have done with it? There, +he's feeling in his pockets--he's going to pay yer now! + + [_Elderly Gentleman dives vaguely in a pocket, and + eventually produces a threepenny bit, which he tenders + magnificently._ + +_Cabman._ Thruppence ain't no good _to me_--two shillings is what I want +out o' _you_--a florin--'j'ear me? + +_The E. G._ (_after another dive fishes up three halfpence_). Thash all +you're 'titled, to--go 'way, go 'way! + +_Crowd_ (_soothingly to Cabman_). 'E'll make it up in time--don't '_urry_ +'im. + +_Cabman._ D' ye think I kin stand 'ere cooling my 'eels, while he's payin' +me a 'apn'y every 'arf 'our? I've got my living to earn same as _you_ 'ave! + +_Crowd._ Ah, he's right there! (_Persuasively to Elderly Gentleman._) 'Ere, +Ole Guv'nor, fork out like a man! + + [_The Old Guv'nor shakes his head at them with a + knowing expression._ + +_Cabman._ Well, I shan't let go o' this 'ere bag till I _am_ paid--that's +all! + + [_Here a Policeman arrives on scene._ + +_Policeman._ Now, then, what's all this? Move along 'ere, all of you--don't +go blocking up the thoroughfare like this! (_Scathingly_.) What are yer all +_lookin'_ at? (_The Crowd, feeling this rebuke, move away some three paces, +and then linger undecidedly._) 'Ere, Cabman, you've no right to lay 'old on +that gentleman's bag--_you_ know that as well as I do! + +_Cabman_ (_somewhat mollified by this tribute to his legal knowledge, +releases bag_). Well, _he_ ain't got no right to ride in my keb, and do a +guy, without paying nothink, 'as he? + +_Policeman._ All I tell _you_ is--you've no right to detain his bag. + +_Cabman._ Let 'im pay me my legal fare, then--two shillings it is 'e owes +_me_. I don't want to hinterfere with 'im, if he'll pay me. + +_Pol._ (_with a magnificent impartality, to the E. G._). What have you got +to say to _that_? + +_The E. G._ (_with a dignified wave of the hand_). Shay? Why, tha' I'm +shimply--a gerrilm'n. + +_Pol._ (_his impartiality gradually merging into official disgust_). Well, +all I can say to _you_ is, if you _are_ one, don't abuse it.... Where are +you going to? + +_The E. G._ (_brimming over with happy laughter_). _I_ dunno! + +_Pol._ (_deciding to work on his fears_). Don't you? Well, _I do_, then. I +know where _you_'re goin' to--ah, and where you'll _be_, too, afore you're +much older--the station-'us!--(_with a slight lapse into jocularity, in +concession to his audience_)--"for one night honly"--that's _your_ +direction, unless you look out. (_With virtuous indignation._) 'Ere are +you--calling yourself a gentleman, and old enough to know better--riding in +this man's keb, and trying to bilk him out of his money. Why, you ought to +be _ashamed_ o' yourself! + +_A Funny Onlooker._ Now, Policeman, why do you interfere? Why can't you +leave them to settle it between them? + +_Pol._ (_turning on him with awful dignity_). I don't want no suggestions +from _you_, Sir. I know _my_ dooty, and them as tries to obstruck me'll get +no good by it. I'm not 'ere to take one man's part more than another. + +_Cabman._ Well, ain't you goin' to do something now you _are_ here? What's +the good of a Copper if he won't 'elp a man to git his rights, eh? + + [_Murmurs of sympathy from Crowd._ + +_Pol._ Now, you mind _your_self--that's what _you_'d better do, or _you_'ll +be gitting into trouble next! I've told you I can't interfere one way or +the other; and--(_generally, to Crowd_)--you must pass along 'ere, please, +or I shall 'ave to make yer. + +_Crowd_ (_to Eld. G._). Give the man his money, can't yer? Pay 'im! + +_Cabman._ Come, look sharp! Just you pay me! + +_The E. G._ How c'n I pay, man? P'fectly 'shurd! Go to bleeshes! + + [_Bolts again, and is once more overtaken by the + indignant Cabman._ + +_Pol._ (_following up_). Now, then, Cabman, don't go hustling him! + + [_Crowd's sympathy veers round to the E. G. again._ + +_Cabman._ _'Oo's_ 'ustlin'? I ain't laid a finger on 'im. +(_Magnanimously._) I've no wish to 'inder 'im from going wherever he likes, +so long as he pays me fust! + +_Pol._ You've no right to touch the man, nor yet his bag; so be careful, +that's all I tell you! + +_The E. G._ (_with maudlin enthusiasm_). Pleeshman's perfelly ri'! +Pleeshman always knowsh besht! + + [_Tries to pat Policeman on back._ + +_Pol._ (_his disgust reaching a climax_). 'Ere, don't you go pawin' _me_ +about--for I won't '_ave_ it! If _I'm_ right, it's more than what _you_ +are, anyhow! Now be off with you, wherever it is you're going to! + +_Cabman_ (_desperate_). But look 'ere--can't you take his name and address? + +_Pol._ (_rising to the occasion_). Ah! that's what I was waitin' for! Now +you've _ast_ me--now I kin _act_! (_Pulls out a pocket-book full of dirty +memoranda, and a stumpy pencil._) Now then, Sir, your name, if _you_ +please? + +_The E. G._ (_sleepily_). Shtupid thing a-do, but qui' forgot.... Come out +'ithout mi' name, 'shmornin'! + +_Pol._ (_sternly_). That won't do with Me, you know. What's your name? Out +with it! + +_The E. G._ (_evidently making a wild shot at it_). FERGUSHON. + + [_Smiles, as if he feels sure the Policeman will be + pleased with a name like that_. + +_Pol._ JOHN? GEORGE? JAMES?--or what? + +_The E. G._ You can purr 'em all down t' me--it don' marrer! + +_Pol._ (_briskly_). Where do you live, Mr. FERGUSON? + +_The E. G._ (_mechanically_). Shirty-one, Lushington Street, Gargleshbury +Park. + +_Pol._ (_writing it down, and giving leaf to Cabman_). There, will _that_ +do for you? + +_Cabman._ That's all _I_ want. (_To the E. G._) You'll 'ear from me later +on. + +_The E. G._ (_affectionately_). Alwaysh pleash'd shee you, any time.... +Pleeshman too.... Shorry can't shtop--mos' 'portant bishnish! + +_Pol._ Which way do you want to go? + +_The E. G._ Earlsh Court. + +_Pol._ Then get there, if you're capable of it. And now, you boys, clear +the road, will you? + + [_The Elderly Gentleman, smiling in the full conviction + of having extricated himself from a difficult situation + with consummate tact and diplomacy, goes off unsteadily + in the direction of Piccadilly, accompanied by a suite + of small boys who have kindly resolved to see him + through any further adventures that may await his + progress. The Cabman remains to discuss the affair at + great length on the curbstone. The Policeman paces + slowly on, conscious that he has worthily maintained + the dignity of his office._ + + [Illustration: A Cab-array.] + + * * * * * + +A CORRESPONDENT, _a propos_ of the prevailing epidemic, writes,--"Sir, +there must have been an epidemic of influenza at Cambridge about +thirty-three years ago, as in a travesty of _Faust_, produced at the A. D. +C. about that time, occurs a parody of the song '_Di Frienza_' from _La +Traviata_, commencing '_Influenza_ is about, So I'll stay no longer out.' +History repeats itself occasionally.--I am, Yours, + + AN INFLUENZIAL PERSONAGE, Trin. Coll. Cam." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. + +_Miss Amy._ "AND DO YOU ADMIRE MISS TRAVERS, MR. GOSLIN?" + +_Mr. G._ "YES--AWF'LY! SHE'S SO UNLIKE ALL OTHER GIRLS, DON'TCHERKNOW!!"] + + * * * * * + +PLAIN ENGLISH! + +JOHN BULL _loquitur:_-- + + "ENGLISH as she is spoke," my little friend, + Is not precisely what your pundits deem it. + Let _me_ give you a lesson! This must end. + That flag, however lightly you esteem it, + Has not so long waved folds fair, broad, and ample + To all earth's winds for _you_ at last to trample. + + No! What the mischief is your little game? + Monkeyish tricks help neither power nor dignity. + A little country heir of much fair fame, + I'd like to treat with patience and benignity; + But memories of CAMOENS and DE GAMA + Should save you from the clown's part in earth's drama. + + Clowning it is to caper in this style, + Trying to make a foot-cloth of my banner. + You ought to know the temper of our Isle, + You've tested it in circumstantial manner. + Down before SOULT and JUNOT you'd have gone + But for that very flag, and WELLINGTON. + + Old friends? Of course we are. Old rivals too, + In commerce and adventure the world over. + From JOHN THE GREAT'S time to the present, you + In Africa have been a daring rover; + "The Rover's free"! Ah! that's good lyric brag-- + He is not free to trample on my flag! + + VASCO DE GAMA and CABRAL, no doubt, + Held an exceedingly free hand aforetime. + Cocks of the walk were those adventurers stout, + But then their time was different from your time. + In what you call your "civilising labours," + You'll have to think a little of your neighbours. + + "Prancing proconsuls" often stir up strife, + Which to abate diplomacy must strain. + Your PINTO seems to mean war to the knife-- + He's too much given to the 'Ercles vein. + I'm sure I do not want to hurt your feelings, + I simply say I can't stand SERPA'S dealings. + + Plain English this, my little Portuguee, + And BARROS GOMES will tell you I mean it. + Fight? Pigmy _versus_ Titan? Fiddlededee! + My meaning--without menaces, you'll glean it-- + Is this--I would not hector, no, nor "nag," + Only, my lad--_you'll just come off that Flag!_ + + * * * * * + +LONDON FOR THE LONDONERS; + +_Or, How to Please Everybody_. + +SCENE--_Railway Compartment._ BROWN _and_ JONES _discovered reading +Newspapers._ + +_Brown_ (_putting down his journal_). Not much news, Sir. + +_Jones_ (_following the example_). Quite so, Sir--not much. + +_Brown._ Perhaps, Sir, the most interesting item is this talk about London +Improvement. + +_Jones._ So I think, Sir. But what do we want with this plan for widening +the Strand, and making a road to Holborn? It seems to me, Sir, that the +suburbs are being neglected. + +_Brown._ I agree with you, Sir. Now, if they would develop the North of +London, it would be more to the purpose. If they would run a road direct +from Charing Cross to, say Zanzibar Terrace, Upper Kensal Green, West, it +would really be of service to the public. + +_Jones._ Very likely, Sir--very likely. For my part, it seems to me that +Chiswick also requires a helping hand. The construction of a broad +boulevard running from Charing Cross in a straight line to, say, Upham Park +Road, would tend to show that the County Council justly appreciated its own +responsibilities. And I say this, knowing the necessities of Chiswick, for +in that neighbourhood I happen to reside. + +_Brown._ And I, too, Sir, am equally cognisant of the requirements of Upper +Kensal Green West. As a matter of fact, Sir, I happen to have a comfortable +house in Zanzibar Terrace. + +_Jones._ And I, Sir, a delightful villa in Upham Park Road. + +[_Whistle. Train enters tunnel, and further conversation is drowned by the +rattle of the carriages._ + + * * * * * + +A Musical Anticipation. + + FRED COWEN'S _Viking_ + Sure to be striking. + Think there is luck in + BARTON MCGUCKIN. + + * * * * * + + UNSOUGHT HONOUR.--After his last Birthday, Mr. + GLADSTONE was unanimously elected a Member of "the + Eighty Club." + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: PLAIN ENGLISH! + + JOHN BULL. "LOOK HERE, MY LITTLE FRIEND, I DON'T WANT TO + HURT YOUR LITTLE FEELINGS,--BUT, _COME OFF THAT + FLAG!!!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Jenkinson_ (_to M. F. H., who dislikes being bothered_). +"WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS HORSE?" (_No answer._) "BRED HIM MYSELF, YOU +KNOW!" + +_M. F. H._ (_looking at Horse out of corner of his eye_). "UMPH! I THOUGHT +YOU COULDN'T HAVE BEEN SUCH A SILLY IDIOT AS TO HAVE _BOUGHT_ HIM!"] + + * * * * * + +OLD COLDS FOR NEW. + +(_A Fairy Tale of Anglo-Russian Origin._) + +ONCE upon a time there was a feeble little Ailment called +"Cold-in-the-head," which was treated in the most contemptuous fashion by +its relations. The nearest of its kith and kin--Measles and +Scarlatina--absolutely laughed when its name was mentioned, and scarcely +recognised it as a connection. So Cold-in-the-head had rather a bad time of +it generally. + +One day the feeble little Ailment was wandering aimlessly about in search +of a resting-place, when it came upon an enormous establishment thronged +with thousands of working-men. When the _employes_ are described as +"working-men," it is not, however, quite accurate, for at that moment they +were not working. + +"Why are you idle?" sneezed out little Cold-in-the-head in a tone of +compassion. + +"Because," replied one of the _employes_, rather gruffly, "there is nothing +to do. If you want further information, you had better inquire at that +office." + +And the man pointed to a door bearing the legend, "Editor's Room." The poor +little Ailment entered the apartment, and found a Gentleman seated in front +of a desk covered with papers. The Gentleman was staring before him, and +the ink in his pen had dried up. + +"What do you want?" asked the Gentleman. "And why don't you shut the door +behind you?" + +"I should cease to exist without draughts," explained the poor little +Ailment, "and please don't speak roughly to me, as I want to help you." + +"You help me!" exclaimed the Editor--for the Gentleman was an Editor. "How +can you do that?" + +"I think I can give you a subject." + +"You are very welcome if you can do that," was the reply, "as in this dead +season of the year ideas are as scarce as coals; nay scarcer. But surely, +didn't you do something for the Press ages ago?" + +"That was in the 'forties;' but I am quite different now." + +Then the little Ailment related to the Editor stories of Russia, and the +East, and all sorts of wonderful things. + +"Well," murmured the Editor, after some consideration, "I think you may be +useful, after all, if we are helped by the Doctors." + + * * * * * + +"What a fuss they are making about this new rival of ours!" said Measles, +angrily. + +"Too absurd!" commented Scarlatina, in a tone of annoyance. + +Then there was a grand procession. First came Correspondents, then +Interviewed Physicians, then the General Public. It was a sight that had +never been seen before. In the midst of the excitement an Ailment appeared. + +"Why, bless me!" cried Measles. "Only fancy!" + +"Can I believe my eyes?" shouted Scarlatina. "Why, it's poor little +Cold-in-the-head, that no one used to care a jot about six months ago!" + +"Silence!" said the Ailment, with great dignity. "You must learn to treat +me with the respect due to my exalted station. And please don't call me +'Cold-in-the-head,' for I am known as 'The Russian Influenza!'" + +Then the Ailment turned towards _Mr. Punch_, who (as was his wont) was +smiling, and bade him do homage. + +"Not a bit of it," exclaimed the Sage of Fleet Street, raising a glass of +Ammoniated Tincture of Quinine to his lips, and quaffing merrily a +teaspoonful. "I defy you! You are puffed up with conceit, my poor little +Illness, and when, in a few weeks' time, we have another sensation to talk +and think about, you will sink back into your native obscurity." + +And _Mr. Punch_ (as the event will prove) was--as he always is--entirely +right! + + * * * * * + +AT THE PORTE ST. MARTIN.--If there were ever any question as to the genius +of SARA BERNHARDT, she has now settled it by appearing as _Jeanne d'Arc_, +and showing us what she is Maid of. By the way, as of course she wears +golden or auburn hair, _Jeanne d'Arc_ must appear as _Jeanne_ Light. +Irreverent scoffers may say this is historically correct, as from their +point of view _Joan_ was rather light-headed. Of course, _Joan_ is coming +over to London. Why not to Mr. HARE'S Theatre, and finish the evening with +a prime Garrick Stake. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S EXHIBITION OF GRAND "OLD + MASTERS."] + + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: "ALL ALIVE!" + + _Cheesemonger._ "WHAT IS IT, MY DEAR?" + + _Little Girl._ "OH, MOTHER'S SENT BACK THIS PIECE O' + CHEESE, 'CAUSE FATHER SAYS IF WE WANTS ANY BAIT WHEN + HE'S A GOIN' A FISHIN', HE CAN DIG 'EM UP IN OUR + GARDEN!"] + + * * * * * + +A COMING BIG BORE. + +_Being a probable Extract from the "City Intelligence" for 1900._ + +THE half-yearly meeting to discuss the Report just issued by the Chairman +and Directors of the Amalgamated International Anglo-French Submarine +Channel Tunnel Railway Company was held in the Company's Fortress Boardroom +yesterday afternoon, and, owing to the present critical Continental +outlook, as might have been expected, succeeded in securing the attendance +of an unusually large number of shareholders. + +The Chairman, who on rising was received with prolonged hooting and a +chorus, again and again renewed _con amore_ by the assembled audience, of +"_And he's a jolly bad fellow!_" having, at length, though frequently +interrupted, obtained something like a hearing, was understood to say, that +he had little to offer in the shape of comment on the Report submitted to +the meeting. (_Groans._) The causes of its unsatisfactory nature were +patent to all. Owing to their having been compelled, in what he now fully +recognised was a slavish and mistaken obedience to a popular clamour (_a +Voice, "You're right!_"), three years ago, in the height of a sudden scare +about invasion--("_Oh! oh!_")--to let the water in and flood the +Tunnel--(_groans_)--they had been occupied ever since in pumping it out +again, and though now he was glad to announce that the last bucketful had +been emptied out, and that the traffic would be resumed +forthwith--(_cheers_)--still the operation had cost them three millions of +money, that they had to get from the market in the shape of Seventeen per +Cent. First Preference Debentures--("_Oh! oh!_")--on which, however, he +trusted that a favourable season's receipts might enable them possibly to +pay a next half-year's dividend of three and sixpence. (_Prolonged +groans._) It was not much; still, it was something. ("_Oh! oh!_") But if +they wished to secure even this modest remuneration for their money, they +must make up their minds, especially at the present moment, when there was +a daily,--he might almost say, an hourly,--expectation of the withdrawal of +their Ambassador from Paris, that there must be no more craven yielding to +delusive impulses of an idiotic patriotism--(_loud cheers_),--in a word, no +more talk about closing the Tunnel on the paltry plea of "national +security." (_Prolonged cheering._) He was glad to hear those cheers. It was +an endorsement of the standpoint that he and his Directors meant to take in +the present crisis, which was, in effect, to remind themselves that they +were shareholders of the Anglo-French Submarine Channel Tunnel Railway +Company first--and Englishmen afterwards--(_thunders of applause, and loud +and prolonged cheering_);--and that, if called upon to shed their life's +blood, it would be solely in defence of that great engineering work, the +true monument of peace, in which their aspirations, their hopes, and, above +all, their capital, had been so fearlessly embarked and largely +invested.(_Renewed enthusiasm._) + +A Shareholder here rose, and said, that if there really was, as the +Chairman seemed to imply, a probability that war with our friendly +neighbours might break out at any minute, would it not be advisable, in the +interests of the Company, to come to some amicable and therefore +satisfactory commercial arrangement for the transit of troops through the +Tunnel, which, no doubt, it would be their first object to +secure.(_Laughter._) There might possibly be some stupid attempt of our own +Government forces to seize upon and even damage, with a view to rendering +the Tunnel useless, the works commanding this end of it. Should not a +Volunteer Corps of Shareholders be at once organised--("_Hear! +hear!_")--for the purpose of keeping them until the French Military +Authorities came over in sufficient force to enable them to seize and +securely hold them against all comers? He trusted he was not wanting in a +well-balanced and legitimate patriotism--("_No! no!_")--but like their +respected Chairman, he felt that there was a higher claim, a louder call +than that addressed to an Englishman by his country, and that was the deep, +grim, stern and stirring appeal made to the Seventeen per Cent. +Debenture-holder by his Company.(_Roars of laughter._) + +Considerable uproar here arose over the ejection from the meeting of a +protesting Shareholder, who injudiciously proposed an Amendment to the +Report to the effect that, "In the face of grave National danger, the +Company ought to be prepared, even if it involved serious financial loss, +to close their Tunnel, if such a step should be regarded as necessary to +the security of the country by the military advisers of the Government." +This proposition was howled down, and the Chairman was again about to +address the now somewhat quieted meeting, when a copy of an evening paper, +announcing the declaration of war, and the simultaneous seizure of the +British end of the Tunnel that morning by two hundred French troops, who +had crossed from Boulogne by yesterday's evening Mail-boat, and had passed +the night at Folkestone in disguise, was handed up on to the platform. + +THE CHAIRMAN (_after reading out the various items of intelligence to the +Audience, who listened to them with breathless excitement_). Well, +Gentlemen, in the face of this not entirely unsuspected +news--(_laughter_)-our course is, I think, pretty clear. We must at once +dispatch a deputation to make the best terms we can with the French General +in command, for the transit of the one or two, or even three hundred +thousand troops they propose to bring over. (_Cheers._) Even if we get only +an excursion fare out of them, it will be something. ("_Hear, hear!_") And, +at least, we shall be able to congratulate ourselves on this occasion with +a sterling and heartfelt satisfaction that, whether the country go to the +dogs or not--(_roars of laughter_)--the property of the Company will, at +any rate, be preserved. (_Enthusiastic applause._) The Chairman, who +continued his address amid mingled cheers and laughter in the same strain, +having submitted the names to form the proposed deputation to the meeting, +the Shareholders dispersed, apparently in the highest spirits, singing a +parody of the great national ditty, in which the line, "_Britons ever, +ever, ever will be knaves_," with an accompaniment of loud guffaws of +laughter, struck the listening ear, as they betook themselves to their +respective homes. + + * * * * * + +THE IRISH QUESTION IN BOND STREET. + +VERY calmly and pleasantly is this matter settled at Messrs. DOWDESWELL'S +Galleries. Mr. O. RICKATSON takes us a mighty pleasant tour through +Wicklow, Wexford, and Waterford. He gives us his views on the Land Question +(Shure there are Sixty-two of them, bedad!) in Water-colours, and very +bright, breezy, and delightful they are. If they _will_ have Home Rule, if +they persist in having Ireland for the Irish, we have no desire to pick a +quarrel with this accomplished _aquarelliste_ (Ha! ha!) for showing us the +beauties of the "distrissful counthry;" and if we are not allowed to have +the real thing, we shall find the peaceful possession of Mr. RICKATSON'S +delightful pictures no mean substitute. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: ENTERTAINING AN ENTERTAINER. + + Mr. Toole, before partaking of all the farewell + luncheons, dinners, and suppers, previous to his + departure for Australia. + + Mr. J. L. Toole after all the farewell lunches, &c., &c. + ***P. & O. Co. won't make any reduction on taking a + quantity.] + + * * * * * + +THE PILFERER. + +TO ALL VOLAPUK-SPEAKING FOLK. + +THERE exists at this moment no institution which even aspires to be to the +Volapuk-speaking world what We were whilst still We remained in +Northumberland Street, and looked after things generally. The wise are few. +The governing minds are never numerous. But We have one, and We have +determined to expand it over a new Monthly Magazine. At the outset We, +being, after all, human, were confronted by the difficulty of finding a +title. Several suggested themselves to a Mind not lacking in scope. A few +may be mentioned. There was the _Filibuster_; the _Summum Bone-'em_; +_Macheath's Miscellany_; the _Monthly Marauder_; the _Eviscerator_; the +_Literary Leech_; the _Monthly Misappropriator_; the _Sixpenny Scoop_. Each +has its particular attraction and appropriateness. But, having submitted +the selection of titles for the consideration of some of the foremost men +of letters, lawyers, soldiers, scientists, and divines of our time, with a +request for an expression of their opinion, we decided upon the title which +appears at the head of these few preliminary remarks. We are the +_Pilferer_, price sixpence, published monthly; a reduction on taking a +quantity. + +The _Pilferer_ will not be a colourless reflection of public opinion for +the time being. It will certainly not be a Party organ, and that for +sufficient reason. Neither Party has at this moment any distinctive body of +doctrine, any well-conceived system of faith, which would justify Us in +labelling Our new monthly with a Party badge. Moreover than which, We have +some reason to believe that neither Party, nor any subdivision of Party, +particularly cares to be associated with Us. We shall therefore be +independent of Party, because, having a very clear, intelligible belief in +Ourselves, We are able to survey the struggles of contending parties from +the standpoint of sublime egotism. We are the man who can interpret the +best thought of his day in such a manner as to render it accessible to the +general intelligence of Our age. We are the true Prophet of Our time, and +We hope to make a modest profit out of Our new venture. Hence, Our first +starting point will be a deep and almost awestruck regard for the destinies +of the Volapuk-speaking race. The American Republic we especially take +under our wing (price of the Magazine in the United States 50 cents.), +whilst we work for the Empire, seek to strengthen it, to develop it, and, +when necessary, to extend it. We believe in Ourselves, in England, and in +Humanity. We are not mad. We do not "hear them dancing in the hall," as +used to happen when HENRY RUSSELL still filled the stage of the Concert +Hall. But we have our mission, which is to hold the world straight, keep +ourselves _en evidence_, and earn a modest living. + +How is this to be done? By the preaching of a man who energises the +activity of the Church by the ideals of chivalry and the production of a +Sixpenny Monthly, made up of pickings from other people's pockets. Visible +in many ways is the decadence of the Daily Press since We left it. The +Mentor of Young Democracy has abandoned philosophy, and stuffs the ears of +his TELEMACHUS with the skirts of CALYPSO'S petticoats, the latest scandals +of the Court, and the prurient purrings of abandoned womankind in places +where you accept the unaccustomed cigar, and drink the unfamiliar +champagne. All the more need, then, that there should be a Voice which, +like that of the Muezzin from the Eastern minaret, shall summon the +Faithful to the duties imposed by their belief. We go into this waste land +to possess it. It is capable of being made to flourish as of old under the +stimulating radiance of a great ideal, and the diligent and intelligent +culture of one who, like Ourselves, has the capacity for direction. + +Who will help Us? There is not a street in London, nor a village in the +country, which is not capable of producing, even at short notice, and under +slight pressure, a man or a woman who will spend two hours a week, every +week in the year, in more or less irksome voluntary exertion in order to +sell the _Pilferer_. To such we say, "If, by canvassing, or otherwise, you +secure, say, six subscribers, the _Pilferer_ shall be sent to you as long +as the six continue their subscriptions." In this case, the subscriptions +should be paid in advance. + +Are there any among the readers of the _Pilferer_ craving for counsel, for +sympathy, and for the consolation of pouring out their soul's grief at so +much a quart, so to speak? If so, may we ask them to communicate with Us? +Their cases, as they submit them, will be placed before such competent and +skilful advisers as We are able to gather round Us from the best men and +women in the Volapuk-speaking world. Their confidences will be printed free +of cost, and, touched up with the literary art that shaped many a spicy +series, are likely to produce copy at once tasty and cheap. We have a heap +of letters and post-cards from eminent persons to whom we submitted the +design lightly sketched above. They may be known as "Some Letters of Marque +to the Editor of the _Literary Privateer_." + + MR. GL-DST-NE. + +DEAR MR. PILFERER,--The idea you suggest appears to me highly useful, as +well as ingenious in relation to all who are able to appreciate it. +Personally I am outside this circle, and so will save my sixpence a month. +I hope you enjoyed your 'bus tour along the Commercial Road? + + Yours faithfully, W. E. GL-DST-NE. + + + Mr. B-lf-r. + + 1, _Carlton Gardens, S.W., Dec._ 12, '89. + +I THINK your scheme ought to prove useful. But isn't there some difficulty +with the original proprietors of the goods? If I can help you in any way, +by putting anyone in prison, pray count upon me. Obstruction must be put +down in any form in which it presents itself. + + Yours faithfully, + + A. J. B-LF-R. + + + EARL OF C-RN-RV-N. + +THERE is, no doubt, a large amount of valuable matter which appears from +time to time in the Magazines, but which, being buried under a mass of +unimportant writing, is overlooked. I have found this in reference to my +own contributions, which have occasionally been passed over by the public, +who have preferred to read the other contents. + + + LORD C-L-R-DGE. + +AT one time of my life I wrote far too many articles to have much opinion +of the ability required to produce them, or their value to anyone when +produced. What I did write was much better than the general run of +articles. Now I do not write, there is nothing in the Magazines. If you can +get it out for nothing, and sell it for sixpence, you will do well. + + + LORD W-LS-L-Y. + + _Ranger's House, Greenwich Park, S.E. Sunday._ + +DEAR MR. PILFERER,--In answer to your note, I have nothing to say of any +interest. + + W-LS-L-Y. + + + LORD T-NNYS-N. + + _Hangford, Freshwater, Isle of Wight._ + +LORD T-NNYS-N presents his compliments to _Mr. Pilferer_, and begs to point +out to him that had he thrust his corporeal presence upon Lord T-NNYS-N +over his garden hedge, or by his area-steps, he would have been +incontinently cast forth by the domestics. Lord T-NNYS-N finds it +impossible to discover any appreciable difference between that step and the +one whereby _Mr. Pilferer_ impertinently, through the medium of the +unsuspecting penny post, forces himself upon Lord T-NNYS-N'S notice, and +impudently begs him to assist him with a gratuitous advertisement for a +commercial undertaking. + + + MR. CHARLEY BATES. + + _Middle of Next Week. Nix Alley, No. 0._ + +DEAR PAL,--Excuse this address, but sometimes it's well not to go into too +many perticklers. I have yours giving me an account of your new lay. As far +as I can make out, there's a lot of tradesmen in London who, at +considerable give out of swag, get swell fellers to write articles for +them. Then _you_ plunge in, romp around, fill your pockets with the pick of +the lot, and go and sell it on your own hook. That's good. But what I like +best is the putting on of the bands and surplice, the taking of the good +book in the right hand, the uprising of the eyeballs, and the general +trotting out of the loftiest principles, the purest motives, and the +general welfare of our brother men. You are a regular wonner, old pal, and +should do; leastways, you have the good wishes of your old friend, + + CHARLEY. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +98, January 18, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 21590.txt or 21590.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/1/5/9/21590/ + +Produced by V. L. Simpson, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |