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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Handy Andy, Volume One, by Samuel Lover
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Handy Andy, Volume One
+       A Tale of Irish Life, in Two Volumes
+
+Author: Samuel Lover
+
+Release Date: June 12, 2007 [EBook #21817]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HANDY ANDY, VOLUME ONE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Bruce Albrecht and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: Andy Icing Champagne]
+
+The Collected Writings of SAMUEL LOVER
+
+TREASURE TROVE EDITION
+
+In Ten Volumes
+
+Volume Three
+
+
+
+
+THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF SAMUEL LOVER
+
+
+
+HANDY ANDY
+
+A Tale of Irish Life
+
+
+
+IN TWO VOLUMES--VOLUME ONE
+
+
+
+BOSTON
+LITTLE, BROWN AND COMPANY
+_MDCCCCIII_
+
+
+Copyright, 1901, by
+Little, Brown, & Co.
+
+
+UNIVERSITY PRESS
+JOHN WILSON AND SON
+CAMBRIDGE, U.S.A.
+
+
+
+
+ADDRESS
+
+
+I have been accused in certain quarters, of giving flattering portraits
+of my countrymen. Against this charge I may plead that, being a
+portrait-painter by profession, the habit of taking the best view of my
+subject, so long prevalent in my eye, has gone deeper, and influenced
+my mind:--and if to paint one's country in its gracious aspect has been
+a weakness, at least, to use the words of an illustrious compatriot,
+
+    "--the failing leans to virtue's side."
+
+I am disinclined, however, to believe myself an offender in this
+particular. That I love my country dearly I acknowledge, and I am sure
+every Englishman will respect me the more for loving _mine_, when he
+is, with justice, proud of _his_--but I repeat my disbelief that I
+overrate my own.
+
+The present volume, I hope, will disarm any cavil from old quarters on
+the score of national prejudice. The hero is a blundering fellow whom
+no English or other gentleman would like to have in his service; but
+still he has some redeeming natural traits: he is not made either a
+brute or a villain; yet his "twelve months' character," given in the
+successive numbers of this volume, would not get him a place upon
+advertisement either in "The Times" or "The Chronicle." So far am I
+clear of the charge of national prejudice as regards the hero of the
+following pages.
+
+In the subordinate personages, the reader will see two "Squires" of
+different types--good and bad; there are such in all countries. And, as
+a tale cannot get on without villains, I have given some touches of
+villainy, quite sufficient to prove my belief in Irish villains, though
+I do not wish it to be believed that the Irish are _all villains_.
+
+I confess I have attempted a slight sketch, in one of the persons
+represented, of a gentleman and a patriot;--and I conceive there is a
+strong relationship between the two. He loves the land that bore
+him--and so did most of the great spirits recorded in history. His own
+mental cultivation, while it yields him personal enjoyment, teaches him
+not to treat with contumely inferior men. Though he has courage to
+protect his honour, he is not deficient in conscience to feel for the
+consequences; and when opportunity offers the means of _amende_, it is
+embraced. In a word, I wish it to be believed that, while there are
+knaves, and fools, and villains in Ireland,--as in other parts of the
+world,--honest, intelligent, and noble spirits are there also.
+
+I cannot conclude without offering my sincere thanks for the cordial
+manner in which my serial offering has been received by the public, and
+noticed by the critical press, whose valuable columns have been so
+often opened to it in quotation; and, when it is considered how large
+an amount of intellect is employed in this particular department of
+literature, the highest names might be proud of such recognition.
+
+_London, 1st December_, 1842.
+
+
+The reprinting of the foregoing address, attached to the First Edition,
+sufficiently implies that my feelings and opinions respecting my
+country and my countrymen remain unchanged. So far, enough said.
+
+I desire, however, to add a few words to inform those who may, for the
+first time, read the story in this the Fourth Edition, that the early
+pages were written fifteen years ago, as a magazine article;--that the
+success of that article led to the continuation of the subject in other
+articles, and so on, till, eventually, twelve monthly numbers made up a
+book. A story thus originated could not be other than sketchy and
+desultory, and open to the captiousness of over-fastidious criticism:
+it was never meant to be a work of high pretension--only one of those
+easy trifles which afford a laugh, and require to be read in the same
+careless spirit of good humour in which they are written.
+
+In such a spirit, I am happy to say, "Handy Andy" _was_ read fourteen
+years ago, and has continued to be read ever since; and as this
+reprint, in a cheaper form, will open it to thousands of fresh readers,
+I give these few introductory words to propitiate in the future the
+kindly spirit which I gratefully remember in the past.
+
+SAMUEL LOVER.
+
+_London, 26th July_, 1854.
+
+
+
+
+LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+VOLUME ONE
+
+
+Andy Icing the Champagne                          _Frontispiece_
+
+Andy's First Attempt at Music                _Vignette on Title_
+
+Andy's Introduction to the Squire                 _Page_      6
+
+An Irish Inquest                       "                     80
+
+Andy's Welcome Home                    "                    102
+
+The Reward of Humanity                 "                    129
+
+The Widow Flanagan's Party             "                    295
+
+_Etched by W. H. W. Bicknell from drawings by Samuel Lover_
+
+
+
+
+HANDY ANDY
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+
+Andy Rooney was a fellow who had the most singularly ingenious knack of
+doing everything the wrong way; disappointment waited on all affairs in
+which he bore a part, and destruction was at his fingers' ends; so the
+nickname the neighbours stuck upon him was Handy Andy, and the jeering
+jingle pleased them.
+
+Andy's entrance into this world was quite in character with his after
+achievements, for he was nearly the death of his mother. She survived,
+however, to have herself clawed almost to death while her darling
+"babby" was in arms, for he would not take his nourishment from the
+parent fount unless he had one of his little red fists twisted into
+his mother's hair, which he dragged till he made her roar; while he
+diverted the pain by scratching her, till the blood came, with the
+other. Nevertheless, she swore he was "the loveliest and sweetest
+craythur the sun ever shined upon;" and when he was able to run about
+and wield a little stick, and smash everything breakable belonging to
+her, she only praised his precocious powers, and she used to ask, "Did
+ever any one see a darlin' of his age handle a stick so bowld as he
+did?"
+
+Andy grew up in mischief and the admiration of his mammy; but, to do him
+justice, he never meant harm in the course of his life, and he was most
+anxious to offer his services on all occasions to those who would accept
+them; but _they_ were only the persons who had not already proved Andy's
+peculiar powers.
+
+There was a farmer hard by in this happy state of ignorance, named Owen
+Doyle, or, as he was familiarly called, _Owny na Coppal_, or, "Owen of
+the Horses," because he bred many of these animals, and sold them at the
+neighbouring fairs; and Andy one day offered his services to Owny when
+he was in want of some one to drive up a horse to his house from a
+distant "bottom," as low grounds by a river-side are called in Ireland.
+
+"Oh, he's wild, Andy, and you'd never be able to ketch him," said Owny.
+
+"Troth, an' I'll engage I'll ketch him if you'll let me go. I never
+seen the horse I couldn't ketch, sir," said Andy.
+
+"Why, you little spridhogue, if he took to runnin' over the long bottom,
+it 'ud be more than a day's work for you to folly him."
+
+"Oh, but he won't run."
+
+"Why won't he run?"
+
+"Bekaze I won't make him run."
+
+"How can you help it?"
+
+"I'll soother him."
+
+"Well, you're a willin' brat, anyhow; and so go on, and God speed you!"
+said Owny.
+
+"Just gi' me a wisp o' hay an' a han'ful iv oats," said Andy, "if I
+should have to coax him."
+
+"Sartinly," said Owny, who entered the stable and came forth with the
+articles required by Andy, and a halter for the horse also.
+
+"Now, take care," said Owny, "that you are able to ride that horse if
+you get on him."
+
+"Oh, never fear, sir. I can ride owld Lanty Gubbins' mule betther nor
+any o' the boys on the common, and he couldn't throw me th' other day,
+though he kicked the shoes av him."
+
+"After that you may ride anything," said Owny; and indeed it was true;
+for Lanty's mule, which fed on the common, being ridden slily by all
+the young vagabonds in the neighbourhood, had become such an adept in
+the art of getting rid of his troublesome customers that it might well
+be considered a feat to stick on him.
+
+"Now take great care of him, Andy, my boy," said the farmer.
+
+"Don't be afeared, sir," said Andy, who started on his errand in that
+peculiar pace which is elegantly called a "sweep's trot;" and as the
+river lay between Owny Doyle's and the bottom, and was too deep for
+Andy to ford at that season, he went round by Dinny Dowling's mill,
+where a small wooden bridge crossed the stream.
+
+Here he thought he might as well secure the assistance of Paudeen, the
+miller's son, to help him in catching the horse; so he looked about the
+place until he found him, and telling him the errand on which he was
+going, said, "If you like to come wid me, we can both have a ride."
+This was temptation sufficient for Paudeen, and the boys proceeded
+together to the bottom, and they were not long in securing the horse.
+When they had got the halter over his head, "Now," said Andy, "give me
+a lift on him;" and accordingly, by Paudeen's catching Andy's left foot
+in both his hands clasped together in the fashion of a stirrup, he
+hoisted his friend on the horse's back; and as soon as he was secure
+there, Master Paudeen, by the aid of Andy's hand, contrived to scramble
+up after him; upon which Andy applied his heel to the horse's side with
+many vigorous kicks, and crying "hurrup!" at the same time, endeavoured
+to stimulate Owny's steed into something of a pace as he turned his
+head towards the mill.
+
+"Sure arn't you going to crass the river?" said Paudeen.
+
+"No, I'm going to lave you at home."
+
+"Oh, I'd rather go up to Owny's, and it's the shortest way acrass the
+river."
+
+"Yes, but I don't like."
+
+"Is it afeared that you are?" said Paudeen.
+
+"Not I, indeed!" said Andy; though it was really the fact, for the
+width of the stream startled him, "but Owny told me to take grate care
+o' the baste, and I'm loath to wet his feet."
+
+"Go 'long wid you, you fool! what harm would it do him? Sure he's
+neither sugar nor salt, that he'd melt."
+
+"Well, I won't anyhow," said Andy, who by this time had got the horse
+into a good high trot, that shook every word of argument out of
+Paudeen's body; besides, it was as much as the boys could do to keep
+their seats on Owny's Bucephalus, who was not long in reaching the
+miller's bridge. Here voice and halter were employed to pull him in,
+that he might cross the narrow wooden structure at a quiet pace. But
+whether his double load had given him the idea of double exertion, or
+that the pair of legs on each side sticking into his flanks (and perhaps
+the horse was ticklish) made him go the faster, we know not; but the
+horse charged the bridge as if an Enniskilliner were on his back, and an
+enemy before him; and in two minutes his hoofs clattered like thunder on
+the bridge, that did not bend beneath him. No, it did _not_ bend, but it
+broke; proving the falsehood of the boast, "I may break, but I won't
+bend;" for, after all, the really strong may bend, and be as strong as
+ever: it is the unsound that has only the seeming of strength, which
+breaks at last when it resists too long.
+
+Surprising was the spin the young equestrians took over the ears of the
+horse, enough to make all the artists of Astley's envious; and plump
+they went into the river, where each formed his own ring, and executed
+some comical "scenes in the circle," which were suddenly changed to
+evolutions on the "flying cord" that Dinny Dowling threw to the
+performers, which became suddenly converted into a "tight rope" as he
+dragged the _voltigeurs_ out of the water; and for fear their blood
+might be chilled by the accident, he gave them an enormous thrashing
+with a _dry_ end of the rope, just to restore circulation; and his
+exertions, had they been witnessed, would have charmed the Humane
+Society.
+
+As for the horse, his legs stuck through the bridge, as though he had
+been put in a _chiroplast_, and he went playing away on the water with
+considerable execution, as if he were accompanying himself in the song
+which he was squealing at the top of his voice. Half the saws, hatchets,
+ropes, and poles in the parish were put in requisition immediately, and
+the horse's first lesson in _chiroplastic_ exercise was performed
+with no other loss than some skin and a good deal of hair. Of course
+Andy did not venture on taking Owny's horse home; so the miller sent him
+to his owner, with an account of the accident. Andy for years kept out
+of Owny na Coppal's way; and at any time that his presence was
+troublesome, the inconvenienced party had only to say, "Isn't that Owny
+na Coppal coming this way?" and Andy fled for his life.
+
+When Andy grew up to be what in country parlance is called "a brave lump
+of a boy," his mother thought he was old enough to do something for
+himself; so she took him one day along with her to the squire's, and
+waited outside the door, loitering up and down the yard behind the
+house, among a crowd of beggars and great lazy dogs, that were thrusting
+their heads into every iron pot that stood outside the kitchen door,
+until chance might give her "a sight o' the squire afore he wint out, or
+afore he wint in;" and after spending her entire day in this idle way,
+at last the squire made his appearance, and Judy presented her son, who
+kept scraping his foot, and pulling his forelock, that stuck out like a
+piece of ragged thatch from his forehead, making his obeisance to the
+squire, while his mother was sounding his praises for being the
+"handiest craythur alive--and so willin'--nothin' comes wrong to him."
+
+[Illustration: Andy's introduction to the Squire]
+
+"I suppose the English of all this is, you want me to take him?" said
+the squire.
+
+"Throth, an' your honour, that's just it--if your honour would be
+plazed."
+
+"What can he do?"
+
+"Anything, your honour."
+
+"That means _nothing_, I suppose," said the squire.
+
+"Oh, no, sir. Everything, I mane, that you would desire him to do."
+
+To every one of these assurances on his mother's part Andy made a bow
+and a scrape.
+
+"Can he take care of horses?"
+
+"The best of care, sir," said the mother; while the miller who was
+standing behind the squire, waiting for orders, made a grimace at Andy,
+who was obliged to cram his face into his hat to hide the laugh, which
+he could hardly smother from being heard, as well as seen.
+
+"Let him come, then, and help in the stables, and we'll see what we can
+do."
+
+"May the Lord----"
+
+"That'll do--there, now go."
+
+"Oh, sure, but I'll pray for you, and----"
+
+"Will you go?"
+
+"And may the angels make your honour's bed this blessed night, I pray."
+
+"If you don't go, your son shan't come."
+
+Judy and her hopeful boy turned to the right about in double-quick
+time, and hurried down the avenue.
+
+The next day Andy was duly installed into his office of stable-helper;
+and, as he was a good rider, he was soon made whipper-in to the hounds,
+for there was a want of such a functionary in the establishment; and
+Andy's boldness in this capacity soon made him a favourite with the
+squire, who was one of those rollicking boys on the pattern of the old
+school, who scorned the attentions of a regular valet, and let any one
+that chance threw in his way bring him his boots, or his hot water for
+shaving, or his coat, whenever it _was_ brushed. One morning, Andy, who
+was very often the attendant on such occasions, came to his room with
+hot water. He tapped at the door.
+
+"Who's that?" said the squire, who had just risen, and did not know but
+it might be one of the women servants.
+
+"It's me, sir."
+
+"Oh--Andy! Come in."
+
+"Here's the hot water, sir," said Andy, bearing an enormous tin can.
+
+"Why, what the d----l brings that enormous tin can here? You might as
+well bring the stable bucket."
+
+"I beg your pardon, sir," said Andy, retreating. In two minutes more
+Andy came back, and, tapping at the door, put in his head cautiously,
+and said, "The maids in the kitchen, your honour, say's there's not so
+much hot water ready."
+
+"Did I not see it a moment since in your hand?"
+
+"Yes, sir; but that's not nigh the full o' the stable-bucket."
+
+"Go along, you stupid thief! and get me some hot water directly."
+
+"Will the can do, sir?"
+
+"Ay, anything, so you make haste."
+
+Off posted Andy, and back he came with the can.
+
+"Where'll I put it sir?"
+
+"Throw this out," said the squire, handing Andy a jug containing some
+cold water, meaning the jug to be replenished with the hot.
+
+Andy took the jug, and the window of the room being open, he very
+deliberately threw the jug out. The squire stared with wonder, and at
+last said--
+
+"What did you do that for?"
+
+"Sure you _towld_ me to throw it out, sir."
+
+"Go out of this, you thick-headed villain!" said the squire, throwing
+his boots at Andy's head, along with some very neat curses. Andy
+retreated, and thought himself a very ill-used person.
+
+Though Andy's regular business was "whipper-in," yet he was liable to
+be called on for the performance of various other duties: he sometimes
+attended at table when the number of guests required that all the subs
+should be put in requisition, or rode on some distant errand for the
+"mistress," or drove out the nurse and children on the jaunting-car;
+and many were the mistakes, delays, or accidents, arising from Handy
+Andy's interference in such matters;--but as they were seldom serious,
+and generally laughable, they never cost him the loss of his place, or
+the squire's favour, who rather enjoyed Andy's blunders.
+
+The first time Andy was admitted into the mysteries of the dining-room,
+great was his wonder. The butler took him in to give him some previous
+instructions, and Andy was so lost in admiration at the sight of the
+assembled glass and plate, that he stood with his mouth and eyes wide
+open, and scarcely heard a word that was said to him. After the head
+man had been dinning his instructions into him for some time, he said
+he might go, until his attendance was required. But Andy moved not; he
+stood with his eyes fixed by a sort of fascination on some object that
+seemed to rivet them with the same unaccountable influence which the
+rattlesnake exercises over its victim.
+
+"What are you looking at?" said the butler.
+
+"Them things, sir," said Andy, pointing to some silver forks.
+
+"Is it the forks?" said the butler.
+
+"Oh, no, sir! I know what forks is very well; but I never seen them
+things afore."
+
+"What things do you mean?"
+
+"These things, sir," said Andy, taking up one of the silver forks, and
+turning it round and round in his hand in utter astonishment, while the
+butler grinned at his ignorance, and enjoyed his own superior
+knowledge.
+
+"Well!" said Andy, after a long pause, "the devil be from me if ever I
+seen a silver spoon split that way before!"
+
+The butler gave a horse laugh, and made a standing joke of Andy's split
+spoon; but time and experience made Andy less impressed with wonder at
+the show of plate and glass, and the split spoons became familiar as
+"household words" to him; yet still there were things in the duties of
+table attendance beyond Andy's comprehension--he used to hand cold
+plates for fish, and hot plates for jelly, &c. But "one day," as Zanga
+says--"one day" he was thrown off his centre in a remarkable degree by
+a bottle of soda-water.
+
+It was when that combustible was first introduced into Ireland as a
+dinner beverage that the occurrence took place, and Andy had the luck
+to be the person to whom a gentleman applied for some soda-water.
+
+"Sir?" said Andy.
+
+"Soda-water," said the guest, in that subdued tone in which people are
+apt to name their wants at a dinner-table.
+
+Andy went to the butler. "Mr. Morgan, there's a gintleman----"
+
+"Let me alone, will you?" said Mr. Morgan.
+
+Andy manoeuvred round him a little longer, and again essayed to be
+heard.
+
+"Mr. Morgan!"
+
+"Don't you see I'm as busy as I can be? Can't you do it yourself?"
+
+"I dunna what he wants."
+
+"Well, go ax him," said Mr. Morgan.
+
+Andy went off as he was bidden, and came behind the thirsty gentleman's
+chair, with, "I beg your pardon, sir."
+
+"Well!" said the gentleman.
+
+"I beg your pardon, sir; but what's this you axed me for?"
+
+"Soda-water."
+
+"What, sir?"
+
+"Soda-water: but, perhaps you have not any."
+
+"Oh, there's plenty in the house, sir! Would you like it hot, sir?"
+
+The gentleman laughed, and supposing the new fashion was not understood
+in the present company said, "Never mind."
+
+But Andy was too anxious to please to be so satisfied, and again
+applied to Mr. Morgan.
+
+"Sir!" said he.
+
+"Bad luck to you!--can't you let me alone?"
+
+"There's a gentleman wants some soap and wather."
+
+"Some what?"
+
+"Soap and wather, sir."
+
+"Divil sweep you!--Soda-wather you mane. You'll get it under the
+side-board."
+
+"Is it in the can, sir?"
+
+"The curse o' Crum'll on you! in the bottles."
+
+"Is this it, sir?" said Andy producing a bottle of ale.
+
+"No, bad cess to you!--the little bottles."
+
+"Is it the little bottles with no bottoms, sir?"
+
+"I wish _you_ wor in the bottom o' the say!" said Mr. Morgan, who was
+fuming and puffing, and rubbing down his face with a napkin, as he was
+hurrying to all quarters of the room, or, as Andy said, in praising his
+activity, that he was "like bad luck--everywhere."
+
+"There they are!" said Mr. Morgan at last.
+
+"Oh, them bottles that won't stand," said Andy; "sure them's what I
+said, with no bottoms to them. How'll I open it?--it's tied down."
+
+"Cut the cord, you fool!"
+
+Andy did as he was desired; and he happened at the time to hold the
+bottle of soda-water on a level with the candles that shed light over
+the festive board from a large silver branch, and the moment he made the
+incision, bang went the bottle of soda, knocking out two of the lights
+with the projected cork, which, performing its parabola the length of
+the room, struck the squire himself in the eye at the foot of the table:
+while the hostess at the head had a cold bath down her back. Andy, when
+he saw the soda-water jumping out of the bottle, held it from him at
+arm's length; every fizz it made, exclaiming, "Ow!--ow!--ow!" and, at
+last, when the bottle was empty, he roared out, "Oh, Lord!--it's all
+gone!"
+
+Great was the commotion;--few could resist laughter except the ladies,
+who all looked at their gowns, not liking the mixture of satin and
+soda-water. The extinguished candles were relighted--the squire got his
+eye open again--and the next time he perceived the butler sufficiently
+near to speak to him, he said in a low and hurried tone of deep anger,
+while he knit his brow, "Send that fellow out of the room!" but, within
+the same instant, resumed his former smile, that beamed on all around
+as if nothing had happened.
+
+Andy was expelled the _salle a manger_ in disgrace, and for days kept
+out of the master's and mistress' way: in the meantime the butler made a
+good story of the thing in the servants' hall; and, when he held up
+Andy's ignorance to ridicule, by telling how he asked for "soap and
+water," Andy was given the name of "Suds," and was called by no other
+for months after.
+
+But, though Andy's functions in the interior were suspended, his
+services in out-of-door affairs were occasionally put in requisition.
+But here his evil genius still haunted him, and he put his foot in a
+piece of business his master sent him upon one day, which was so simple
+as to defy almost the chance of Andy making any mistake about it; but
+Andy was very ingenious in his own particular line.
+
+"Ride into the town and see if there's a letter for me," said the squire
+one day to our hero.
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"You know where to go?"
+
+"To the town, sir."
+
+"But do you know where to go in the town?"
+
+"No, sir."
+
+"And why don't you ask, you stupid thief?"
+
+"Sure I'd find out, sir."
+
+"Didn't I often tell you to ask what you're to do, when you don't know?"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"And why don't you?"
+
+"I don't like to be throublesome, sir."
+
+"Confound you!" said the squire; though he could not help laughing at
+Andy's excuse for remaining in ignorance.
+
+"Well," continued he, "go to the post-office. You know the post-office,
+I suppose?"
+
+"Yes, sir, where they sell gunpowder."
+
+"You're right for once," said the squire; for his Majesty's postmaster
+was the person who had the privilege of dealing in the aforesaid
+combustible. "Go then to the post-office, and ask for a letter for me.
+Remember--not gunpowder, but a letter."
+
+"Yis, sir," said Andy, who got astride of his hack, and trotted away to
+the post-office. On arriving at the shop of the postmaster (for that
+person carried on a brisk trade in groceries, gimlets, broadcloth, and
+linen-drapery,) Andy presented himself at the counter, and said, "I
+want a letther, sir, if you plaze."
+
+"Who do you want it for?" said the postmaster, in a tone which Andy
+considered an aggression upon the sacredness of private life: so Andy
+thought the coolest contempt he could throw upon the prying impertinence
+of the postmaster was to repeat his question.
+
+"I want a letther, sir, if you plaze."
+
+"And who do you want it for?" repeated the postmaster.
+
+"What's that to you?" said Andy.
+
+The postmaster, laughing at his simplicity, told him he could not tell
+what letter to give him unless he told him the direction.
+
+"The directions I got was to get a letther here--that's the directions."
+
+"Who gave you those directions?"
+
+"The masther."
+
+"And who's your master?"
+
+"What consarn is that o' yours?"
+
+"Why, you stupid rascal! if you don't tell me his name, how can I give
+you a letter?"
+
+"You could give it if you liked: but you're fond of axin' impident
+questions, bekase you think I'm simple."
+
+"Go along out o' this! Your master must be as great a goose as yourself,
+to send such a messenger."
+
+"Bad luck to your impidence," said Andy; "is it Squire Egan you dar to
+say goose to?"
+
+"Oh, Squire Egan's your master, then?"
+
+"Yes, have you anything to say agin it?"
+
+"Only that I never saw you before."
+
+"Faith, then you'll never see me agin if I have my own consint."
+
+"I won't give you any letter for the squire, unless I know you're his
+servant. Is there any one in the town knows you?"
+
+"Plenty," said Andy, "it's not every one is as ignorant as you."
+
+Just at this moment a person to whom Andy was known entered the house,
+who vouched to the postmaster that he might give Andy the squire's
+letter. "Have you one for me?"
+
+"Yes, sir," said the postmaster, producing one--"fourpence."
+
+The gentleman paid the fourpence postage, and left the shop with his
+letter.
+
+"Here's a letter for the squire," said the postmaster; "you've to pay me
+elevenpence postage."
+
+"What 'ud I pay elevenpence for?"
+
+"For postage."
+
+"To the devil wid you! Didn't I see you give Mr. Durfy a letther for
+fourpence this minit, and a bigger letther than this? and now you want
+me to pay elevenpence for this scrap of a thing. Do you think I'm a
+fool?"
+
+"No: but I'm sure of it," said the postmaster.
+
+"Well you're welkum to be sure, sure;--but don't be delayin' me now:
+here's fourpence for you, and gi' me the letther."
+
+"Go along, you stupid thief!" said the postmaster, taking up the letter,
+and going to serve a customer with a mouse-trap.
+
+While this person, and many others were served, Andy lounged up and down
+the shop, every now and then putting in his head in the middle of the
+customers, and saying, "Will you gi' me the letther?"
+
+He waited for above half an hour, in defiance of the anathemas of the
+postmaster, and at last left, when he found it impossible to get common
+justice for his master, which he thought he deserved as well as another
+man; for, under this impression, Andy determined to give no more than
+the fourpence.
+
+The squire in the meantime was getting impatient for his return, and
+when Andy made his appearance, asked if there was a letter for him.
+
+"There is, sir," said Andy.
+
+"Then give it to me."
+
+"I haven't it, sir."
+
+"What do you mean?"
+
+"He wouldn't give it to me, sir."
+
+"Who wouldn't give it you?"
+
+"That owld chate beyant in the town--wanting to charge me double for
+it."
+
+"Maybe it's a double letter. Why the devil didn't you pay what he asked,
+sir?"
+
+"Arrah, sir, why would I let you be chated? It's not a double letther at
+all: not above half the size o' one Mr. Durfy got before my face for
+fourpence."
+
+"You'll provoke me to break your neck some day, you vagabond! Ride back
+for your life, you omadhaun; and pay whatever he asks, and get me the
+letter."
+
+"Why, sir, I tell you he was sellin' them before my face for fourpence
+a-piece."
+
+"Go back, you scoundrel! or I'll horsewhip you; and if you're longer
+than an hour, I'll have you ducked in the horse-pond!"
+
+Andy vanished, and made a second visit to the post-office. When he
+arrived, two other persons were getting letters, and the postmaster was
+selecting the epistles for each, from a large parcel that lay before him
+on the counter; at the same time many shop customers were waiting to be
+served.
+
+"I'm come for that letther," said Andy.
+
+"I'll attend to you by-and-by."
+
+"The masther's in a hurry."
+
+"Let him wait till his hurry's over."
+
+"He'll murther me if I'm not back soon."
+
+"I'm glad to hear it."
+
+While the postmaster went on with such provoking answers to these
+appeals for dispatch, Andy's eye caught the heap of letters which lay on
+the counter: so while certain weighing of soap and tobacco was going
+forward, he contrived to become possessed of two letters from the heap,
+and, having effected that, waited patiently enough till it was the great
+man's pleasure to give him the missive directed to his master.
+
+Then did Andy bestride his hack, and in triumph at his trick on the
+postmaster, rattled along the road homeward as fast as the beast could
+carry him. He came into the squire's presence, his face beaming with
+delight, and an air of self-satisfied superiority in his manner, quite
+unaccountable to his master, until he pulled forth his hand, which had
+been grubbing up his prizes from the bottom of his pocket; and holding
+three letters over his head, while he said, "Look at that!" he next
+slapped them down under his broad fist on the table before the squire,
+saying--
+
+"Well! if he did make me pay elevenpence, by gor, I brought your honour
+the worth o' your money anyhow!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+
+Andy walked out of the room with an air of supreme triumph, having laid
+the letters on the table, and left the squire staring after him in
+perfect amazement.
+
+"Well, by the powers! that's the most extraordinary genius I ever came
+across," was the soliloquy the master uttered as the servant closed the
+door after him; and the squire broke the seal of the letter that Andy's
+blundering had so long delayed. It was from his law-agent on the subject
+of an expected election in the county, which would occur in case of the
+demise of the then sitting member;--it ran thus:
+
+    "Dublin, _Thursday_.
+
+    "My dear Squire,--I am making all possible exertions to have every
+    and the earliest information on the subject of the election. I say
+    the election,--because, though the seat of the county is not yet
+    vacant, it is impossible but that it must soon be so. Any other man
+    than the present member must have died long ago; but Sir Timothy
+    Trimmer has been so undecided all his life that he cannot at present
+    make up his mind to die; and it is only by Death himself giving the
+    casting vote that the question can be decided. The writ for the
+    vacant county is expected to arrive by every mail, and in the
+    meantime I am on the alert for information. You know we are sure of
+    the barony of Ballysloughgutthery, and the boys of Killanmaul will
+    murder any one that dares to give a vote against you. We are sure of
+    Knockdoughty also, and the very pigs in Glanamuck would return you;
+    but I must put you on your guard on one point where you least
+    expected to be betrayed. You told me you were sure of Neck-or-nothing
+    Hall; but I can tell you you're out there; for the master of the
+    aforesaid is working heaven, earth, ocean, and all the little
+    fishes, in the other interest; for he is so over head and ears in
+    debt, that he is looking out for a pension, and hopes to get one
+    by giving his interest to the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain,
+    who sits for the Borough of Old Goosebery at present, but whose
+    friends think his talents are worthy of a county. If Sack wins,
+    Neck-or-nothing gets a pension--that's _poz_. I had it from the
+    best authority. I lodge at a milliner's here:--no matter; more when
+    I see you. But don't be afraid; we'll bag Sack, and distance
+    Neck-or-nothing. But, seriously speaking, it's too good a joke that
+    O'Grady should use you in this manner, who have been so kind to him
+    in money matters: but, as the old song says, 'Poverty parts good
+    company;' and he is so cursed poor that he can't afford to know you
+    any longer, now that you have lent him all the money you had, and
+    the pension _in prospectu_ is too much for his feelings. I'll be
+    down with you again as soon as I can, for I hate the diabolical town
+    as I do poison. They have altered Stephen's Green--_ruined_ it I
+    should say. They have taken away the big ditch that was round it,
+    where I used to hunt water-rats when a boy. They are destroying the
+    place with their d----d improvements. All the dogs are well, I hope,
+    and my favourite bitch. Remember me to Mrs. Egan, whom all admire.
+
+    "My dear squire, yours per quire,
+
+    "Murtough Murphy.
+
+    "_To Edward Egan, Esq., Merryvale._"
+
+Murtough Murphy was a great character, as may be guessed from his
+letter. He was a country attorney of good practice; good, because he
+could not help it--for he was a clever, ready-witted fellow, up to all
+sorts of trap, and one in whose hands a cause was very safe; therefore
+he had plenty of clients without his seeking them. For if Murtough's
+practice had depended on his looking for it, he might have made broth
+of his own parchment; for though to all intents and purposes a good
+attorney, he was so full of fun and fond of amusement, that it was
+only by dint of the business being thrust upon him he was so extensive
+a practitioner. He loved a good bottle, a good hunt, a good joke, and
+a good song, as well as any fellow in Ireland: and even when he was
+obliged in the way of business to press a gentleman hard--to hunt his
+man to the death--he did it so good-humouredly that his very victim
+could not be angry with him. As for those he served, he was their
+prime favourite; there was nothing they _could_ want to be done in the
+parchment line, that Murtough would not find out some way of doing;
+and he was so pleasant a fellow, that he shared in the hospitality of
+all the best tables in the county. He kept good horses, was on every
+race-ground within twenty miles, and a steeple-chase was no
+steeple-chase without him. Then he betted freely, and, what's more,
+won his bets very generally; but no one found fault with him for that,
+and he took your money with such a good grace, and mostly gave you a
+_bon mot_ in exchange for it--so that, next to winning the money
+yourself, you were glad it was won by Murtough Murphy.
+
+The squire read his letter two or three times, and made his comments
+as he proceeded. "'Working heaven and earth to'--ha!--so that's the
+work O'Grady's at--that's old friendship,--foul!--foul! and after all
+the money I lent him, too;--he'd better take care--I'll be down on him
+if he plays false;--not that I'd like that much either:--but--let's
+see who's this coming down to oppose me?--Sack Scatterbrain--the
+biggest fool from this to himself;--the fellow can't ride a bit,--a
+pretty member for a sporting county! 'I lodge at a milliner's'--divil
+doubt you, Murtough; I'll engage you do. Bad luck to him!--he'd rather
+be fooling away his time in a back parlour, behind a bonnet shop, than
+minding the interests of the county. 'Pension'--ha!--wants it sure
+enough;--take care, O'Grady, or, by the powers, I'll be at you. You
+may baulk all the bailiffs, and defy any other man to serve you with a
+writ; but, by jingo! if I take the matter in hand, I'll be bound I'll
+get it done. 'Stephen's Green--big ditch--where I used to hunt
+water-rats.' Divil sweep you, Murphy, you'd rather be hunting
+water-rats any day than minding your business. He's a clever fellow
+for all that. 'Favourite bitch--Mrs. Egan.'--Aye! there's the end of
+it--with his bit o' po'thry, too! The divil!"
+
+The squire threw down the letter, and then his eye caught the other
+two that Andy had purloined.
+
+"More of that stupid blackguard's work!--robbing the mail--no less!--that
+fellow will be hanged some time or other. Egad, may be they'll hang him
+for this! What's best to be done? May be it will be the safest way to
+see whom they are for, and send them to the parties, and request they
+will say nothing: that's it."
+
+The squire here took up the letters that lay before him, to read their
+superscriptions; and the first he turned over was directed to Gustavus
+Granby O'Grady, Esq., Neck-or-nothing Hall, Knockbotherum. This was
+what is called a curious coincidence. Just as he had been reading all
+about O'Grady's intended treachery to him, here was a letter to that
+individual, and with the Dublin post-mark too, and a very grand seal.
+
+The squire examined the arms; and, though not versed in the mysteries
+of heraldry, he thought he remembered enough of most of the arms he had
+seen to say that this armorial bearing was a strange one to him. He
+turned the letter over and over again, and looked at it back and front,
+with an expression in his face that said, as plain as countenance could
+speak, "I'd give a trifle to know what is inside of this." He looked at
+the seal again: "Here's a--goose, I think it is, sitting on a bowl with
+cross-bars on it, and a spoon in its mouth: like the fellow that owns
+it, may be. A goose with a silver spoon in its mouth--well, here's the
+gable-end of a house, and a bird sitting on the top of it. Could it be
+Sparrow? There is a fellow called Sparrow, an under-secretary at the
+Castle. D----n it! I wish I knew what it's about."
+
+The squire threw down the letter as he said, "D----n it!" but took it up
+again in a few seconds, and catching it edgewise between his forefinger
+and thumb, gave a gentle pressure that made the letter gape at its
+extremities, and then, exercising that sidelong glance which is peculiar
+to postmasters, waiting-maids, and magpies who inspect marrowbones,
+peeped into the interior of the epistle, saying to himself as he did so,
+"All's fair in war, and why not in electioneering?" His face, which was
+screwed up to the scrutinising pucker, gradually lengthened as he caught
+some words that were on the last turn-over of the sheet, and so could be
+read thoroughly, and his brow darkened into the deepest frown as he
+scanned these lines: "As you very properly and pungently remark, poor
+Egan is a spoon--a mere spoon." "Am I a spoon, you rascal?" said the
+squire, tearing the letter into pieces, and throwing it into the fire.
+"And so, _Misther_ O'Grady, you say I'm a spoon!" and the blood of the
+Egans rose as the head of that pugnacious family strode up and down the
+room: "I'll spoon you, my buck!--I'll settle your hash! may be I'm a
+spoon you'll sup sorrow with yet!"
+
+Here he took up the poker, and made a very angry lunge at the fire that
+did not want stirring, and there he beheld the letter blazing merrily
+away. He dropped the poker as if he had caught it by the hot end, as he
+exclaimed, "What the d----l shall I do? I've burnt the letter!" This
+threw the squire into a fit of what he was wont to call his
+"considering cap;" and he sat with his feet on the fender for some
+minutes, occasionally muttering to himself what he began with,--"What
+the d----l shall I do? It's all owing to that infernal Andy--I'll
+murder that fellow some time or other. If he hadn't brought it--I
+shouldn't have seen it, to be sure, if I hadn't looked; but then the
+temptation--a saint couldn't have withstood it. Confound it! what a
+stupid trick to burn it! Another here, too--must burn that as well, and
+say nothing about either of them:" and he took up the second letter,
+and, merely looking at the address, threw it into the fire. He then
+rang the bell, and desired Andy to be sent to him. As soon as that
+ingenious individual made his appearance, the squire desired him, with
+peculiar emphasis, to shut the door, and then opened upon him with--
+
+"You unfortunate rascal!"
+
+"Yis, your honour."
+
+"Do you know that you might be hanged for what you did to-day?"
+
+"What did I do, sir?"
+
+"You robbed the post-office."
+
+"How did I rob it, sir?"
+
+"You took two letters that you had no right to."
+
+"It's no robbery for a man to get the worth of his money."
+
+"Will you hold your tongue, you stupid villain! I'm not joking: you
+absolutely might be hanged for robbing the post-office."
+
+"Sure I didn't know there was any harm in what I done; and for that
+matther sure, if they're sitch wonderful value, can't I go back again
+wid 'em?"
+
+"No, you thief! I hope you've not said a word to any one about it."
+
+"Not the sign of a word passed my lips about it."
+
+"You're sure?"
+
+"Sartin!"
+
+"Take care, then, that you never open your mouth to mortal about it, or
+you'll be hanged, as sure as your name is Andy Rooney."
+
+"Oh! at that rate I never will. But may be your honour thinks I ought
+to be hanged?"
+
+"No,--because you did not intend to do a wrong thing; but, only I have
+pity on you, I could hang you to-morrow for what you have done."
+
+"Thank you, sir."
+
+"I've burnt the letters, so no one can know anything about the business
+unless you tell on yourself: so remember,--not a word."
+
+"Faith, I'll be dumb as the dumb baste."
+
+"Go now; and once for all, remember you'll be hanged so sure as you
+ever mention one word about this affair."
+
+Andy made a bow and a scrape, and left the squire, who hoped the secret
+was safe. He then took a ruminating walk round the pleasure-grounds,
+revolving plans of retaliation upon his false friend O'Grady; and
+having determined to put the most severe and sudden measure of the law
+in force against him, for the money in which he was indebted to him, he
+only awaited the arrival of Murtough Murphy from Dublin to execute his
+vengeance. Having settled this in his own mind, he became more
+contented, and said, with a self-satisfied nod of the head, "We'll see
+who's the spoon."
+
+In a few days Murtough Murphy returned from Dublin, and to Merryvale he
+immediately proceeded. The squire opened to him directly his intention
+of commencing hostile law proceedings against O'Grady, and asked what
+most summary measures could be put in practice against him.
+
+"Oh! various, various, my dear squire," said Murphy; "but I don't see
+any great use in doing so _yet_--he has not openly avowed himself."
+
+"But does he not intend to coalesce with the order party?"
+
+"I believe so--that is, if he's to get the pension."
+
+"Well, and that's as good as done, you know; for if they want him, the
+pension is easily managed."
+
+"I am not so sure of that."
+
+"Why, they're as plenty as blackberries."
+
+"Very true; but, you see, Lord Gobblestown swallows all the pensions
+for his own family; and there are a great many complaints in the market
+against him for plucking that blackberry-bush very bare indeed; and
+unless Sack Scatterbrain has swingeing interest, the pension may not be
+such an easy thing."
+
+"But still O'Grady has shown himself not my friend."
+
+"My dear squire, don't be so hot; he has not _shown_ himself yet."
+
+"Well, but he means it."
+
+"My dear squire, you oughtn't to jump at a conclusion as you would at a
+twelve-foot drain or a five-bar gate."
+
+"Well, he's a blackguard!"
+
+"No denying it; and therefore keep him on your side if you can, or
+he'll be a troublesome customer on the other."
+
+"I'll keep no terms with him;--I'll slap at him directly. What can you
+do that's wickedest?--latitat, capias--fee-faw-fum, or whatever you
+call it?"
+
+"Halloo! squire, your overrunning your game: may be after all, he
+_won't_ join the Scatterbrains, and----"
+
+"I tell you it's no matter; he intended doing it, and that's all the
+same. I'll slap at him--I'll blister him!"
+
+Murtough Murphy wondered at this blind fury of the squire, who, being a
+good-humoured and good-natured fellow in general, puzzled the attorney
+the more by his present manifest malignity against O'Grady. But _he_
+had not seen the turn-over of the letter: he had not seen "spoon,"--the
+real and secret cause of the "war-to-the-knife" spirit which was kindled
+in the squire's breast.
+
+"Of course, you can do what you please; but, if you'd take a friend's
+advice----"
+
+"I tell you I'll blister him."
+
+"He certainly _bled_ you very freely."
+
+"I'll blister him, I tell you, and that smart. Lose no time, Murphy, my
+boy: let loose the dogs of law on him, and harass him till he'd wish
+the d----l had him."
+
+"Just as you like, but----"
+
+"I'll have it my own way, I tell you; so say no more."
+
+"I'll commence against him at once, then, as you wish it; but it's no
+use, for you know very well that it will be impossible to serve him."
+
+"Let me alone for that! I'll be bound I'll find fellows to get the
+inside of him."
+
+"Why, his house is barricaded like a jail, and he has dogs enough to
+bait all the bulls in the country."
+
+"No matter: just send me the blister for him, and I'll engage I'll
+stick it on him."
+
+"Very well, squire; you shall have the blister as soon as it can be got
+ready. I'll tell you when you may send over to me for it, and your
+messenger shall have it hot and warm for him.  Good bye, squire."
+
+"Good bye, Murphy!--lose no time."
+
+"In the twinkling of a bedpost. Are you going to Tom Durfy's
+steeple-chase?"
+
+"I'm not sure."
+
+"I've a bet on it. Did you see the widow Flannagan lately? You didn't?
+They say Tom's pushing it strong there. The widow has money, you know,
+and Tom does it all for the love o' God; for you know, squire, there are
+two things God hates--a coward and a poor man. Now, Tom's no coward;
+and, that he may be sure of the love o' God on the other score, he's
+making up to the widow; and as he's a slashing fellow, she's nothing
+loth, and, for fear of any one cutting him out, Tom keeps as sharp a
+lookout after her as she does after him. He's fierce on it, and looks
+pistols at any one that attempts putting his _comether_ on the widow,
+while she looks 'as soon as you plaze,' as plain as an optical lecture
+can enlighten the heart of man: in short, Tom's all ram's horns, and the
+widow all sheep's eyes. Good bye, squire." And Murtough put his spurs to
+his horse, and cantered down the avenue, whistling the last popular
+tune.
+
+Andy was sent over to Murtough Murphy's for the law process at the
+appointed time; and as he had to pass through the village, Mrs. Egan
+desired him to call at the apothecary's for some medicine that was
+prescribed for one of the children.
+
+"What'll I ax for, ma'am?"
+
+"I'd be sorry to trust to you, Andy, for remembering. Here's the
+prescription; take care of it, and Mr. M'Garry will give you something
+to bring back; and mind, if it's a powder----"
+
+"Is it gunpowdher, ma'am?"
+
+"No--you stupid--will you listen? I say, if it's a powder, don't let it
+get wet as you did the sugar the other day."
+
+"No, ma'am."
+
+"And if it's a bottle, don't break it, as you did the last."
+
+"No, ma'am."
+
+"And make haste."
+
+"Yis, ma'am;" and off went Andy.
+
+In going through the village, he forgot to leave the prescription at
+the apothecary's and pushed on for the attorney's: there he saw
+Murtough Murphy, who handed him the law process, inclosed in a cover,
+with a note to the squire.
+
+"Have you been doing anything very clever lately, Andy?" said Murtough.
+
+"I don't know, sir," said Andy.
+
+"Did you shoot any one with soda-water since I saw you last?"
+
+Andy grinned.
+
+"Did you kill any more dogs lately, Andy?"
+
+"Faix, you're too hard on me, sir; sure I never killed but one dog, and
+that was an accident----"
+
+"An accident!--curse your impudence, you thief! Do you think, if you
+killed one of the pack on purpose, we wouldn't cut the very heart o'
+you with our hunting whips?"
+
+"Faith, I wouldn't doubt you, sir; but, sure, how could I help that
+divil of a mare runnin' away wid me, and thramplin' the dogs?"
+
+"Why didn't you hold her, you thief?"
+
+"Hould her, indeed!--you just might as well expect to stop fire among
+flax as that one."
+
+"Well, be off with you now, Andy, and take care of what I gave you for
+the squire."
+
+"Oh, never fear, sir," said Andy, as he turned his horse's head
+homewards. He stopped at the apothecary's in the village, to execute
+his commission for the "misthis." On telling the son of Galen that he
+wanted some physic "for one o' the childre up at the big house," the
+dispenser of the healing art asked _what_ physic he wanted.
+
+"Faith, I dunna what physic."
+
+"What's the matter with the child?"
+
+"He's sick, sir."
+
+"I suppose so, indeed, or you wouldn't be sent for medicine, you're
+always making some blunder. You come here, and don't know what
+description of medicine is wanted."
+
+"Don't I?" said Andy, with a great air.
+
+"No, you don't, you omadhaun!" said the apothecary.
+
+Andy fumbled in his pockets, and could not lay hold of the paper his
+mistress entrusted him with, until he had emptied them thoroughly of
+their contents upon the counter of the shop; and then, taking the
+prescription from the collection, he said, "So you tell me I don't know
+the description of the physic I'm to get. Now, you see, you're out; for
+_that's_ the _description_!" and he slapped the counter impressively
+with his hand as he threw down the recipe before the apothecary.
+
+While the medicine was in the course of preparation for Andy, he
+commenced restoring to his pockets the various parcels he had taken
+from them in hunting for the recipe. Now, it happened that he had laid
+them down close beside some articles that were compounded, and sealed
+up for going out, on the apothecary's counter: and as the law process
+which Andy had received from Murtough Murphy chanced to resemble in
+form another inclosure that lay beside it, containing a blister, Andy,
+under the influence of his peculiar genius, popped the blister into his
+pocket instead of the package which had been confided to him by the
+attorney, and having obtained the necessary medicine from M'Garry, rode
+home with great self-complacency that he had not forgot to do a single
+thing that had been entrusted to him. "I'm all right this time," said
+Andy to himself.
+
+Scarcely had he left the apothecary's when another messenger alighted
+at its door, and asked "If Squire O'Grady's things _was_ ready?"
+
+"There they are," said the innocent M'Garry, pointing to the bottles,
+boxes, and _blister_, he had made up and set aside, little dreaming
+that the blister had been exchanged for a law process: and Squire
+O'Grady's own messenger popped into his pocket the legal instrument
+that it was as much as any seven men's lives were worth to bring within
+gunshot of Neck-or-nothing Hall.
+
+Home he went, and the sound of the old gate creaking on its hinges at
+the entrance of the avenue awoke the deep-mouthed dogs around the
+house, who rushed infuriate to the spot to devour the unholy intruder
+on the peace and privacy of the patrician O'Grady; but they recognised
+the old grey hack and his rider, and quietly wagged their tails and
+trotted back, and licked their lips at the thoughts of the bailiff they
+had hoped to eat. The door of Neck-or-nothing Hall was carefully
+unbarred and unchained, and the nurse-tender was handed the parcel from
+the apothecary's, and re-ascended to the sick room with slippered foot
+as quietly as she could; for the renowned O'Grady was, according to her
+account, "as cross as two sticks;" and she protested, furthermore,
+"that her heart was grey with him."
+
+Whenever O'Grady was in a bad humour, he had a strange fashion of
+catching at some word that either he himself, or those with whom he
+spoke, had uttered, and after often repeating it, or rather mumbling it
+over in his mouth, as if he were chewing it, off he started into a
+canter of ridiculous rhymes to the aforesaid word, and sometimes one of
+these rhymes would suggest a new idea, or some strange association
+which had the oddest effect possible; and to increase the absurdity,
+the jingle was gone through with as much solemnity as if he were
+indulging in a deep and interesting reverie, so that it was difficult
+to listen without laughing, which might prove a serious matter when
+O'Grady was in one of the _tantarums_, as his wife used to call them.
+
+Mrs. O'Grady was near the bed of the sick man as the nurse-tender
+entered.
+
+"Here's the things for your honour, now," said she, in her most
+soothing tone.
+
+"I wish the d----l had you and them!" said O'Grady.
+
+"Gusty, dear!" said his wife. (She might have said stormy instead of
+gusty.)
+
+"Oh! they'll do you good, your honour," said the nurse-tender, curtsying,
+and uncorking bottles, and opening a pill-box.
+
+O'Grady made a face at the pill-box, and repeated the word
+"pills" several times, with an expression of extreme disgust.
+"Pills--pills--kills--wills--ay--make your wills--make them--take
+them--shake them. When taken--to be well shaken--shew me that bottle."
+
+The nurse-tender handed a phial, which O'Grady shook violently.
+
+"Curse them all!" said the squire. "A pretty thing to have a gentleman's
+body made a perfect sink, for these blackguard doctors and apothecaries
+to pour their dirty drugs into--faugh! drugs--mugs--jugs!" he shook the
+phial again, and looked through it.
+
+"Isn't it nice and pink, darlin'?" said the nurse-tender.
+
+"Pink!" said O'Grady eying her askance, as if he could have eaten her.
+"Pink, you old besom, pink"--he uncorked the phial, and put it to his
+nose. "Pink--phew--!" and he repeated a rhyme to pink which would not
+look well in print.
+
+"Now, sir, dear, there's a little blisther just to go on your chest--if
+you plaze."
+
+"A _what_?"
+
+"A warm plasther, dear."
+
+"A _blister_ you said, you old _divil_!"
+
+"Well, sure its something to relieve you."
+
+The squire gave a deep growl, and his wife put in the usual appeal of
+"Gusty, dear!"
+
+"Hold you tongue, will you? How would _you_ like it? I wish you had it
+on your----"
+
+"Deed-an-deed, dear," said the nurse-tender.
+
+"By the 'ternal war! if you say another word, I'll throw the jug at
+you!"
+
+"And there's a nice dhrop o' gruel I have on the fire for you," said
+the nurse, pretending not to mind the rising anger of the squire, as
+she stirred the gruel with one hand, while with the other she marked
+herself with the sign of the cross, and said in a mumbling manner, "God
+presarve us! he's the most cantankerous Christian I ever kem across!"
+
+"Shew me that infernal thing!" said the squire.
+
+"What thing, dear?"
+
+"You know well enough, you old hag!--that blackguard blister!"
+
+"Here it is, dear. Now just open the _burst_ o' your shirt, and let me
+put it an you."
+
+"Give it into my hand here, and let me see it."
+
+"Sartinly, sir;--but I think, if you'd let me just----"
+
+"Give it to me, I tell you!" said the squire, in a tone so fierce that
+the nurse paused in her unfolding of the packet, and handed it with
+fear and trembling to the already indignant O'Grady. But it is only
+imagination can figure the outrageous fury of the squire when, on
+opening the envelope with his own hand, he beheld the law process
+before him. There, in the heart of his castle, with his bars, and
+bolts, and bull-dogs, and blunderbusses around him, he was
+served--absolutely served--and he had no doubt the nurse-tender was
+bribed to betray him.
+
+A roar and a jump up in bed, first startled his wife into terror, and
+put the nurse on the defensive.
+
+"You infernal old strap!" shouted he, as he clutched up a handful of
+bottles on the table near him and flung them at the nurse, who was near
+the fire at the time: and she whipped the pot of gruel from the grate,
+and converted it into a means of defence against the phial-pelting
+storm.
+
+Mrs. O'Grady rolled herself up in the bed-curtains while the nurse
+screeched "Murther!" and at last, when O'Grady saw that bottles were of
+no avail, he scrambled out of bed, shouting, "Where's my blunderbuss?"
+and the nurse-tender, while he endeavoured to get it down from the rack
+where it was suspended over the mantel-piece, bolted out of the door
+and ran to the most remote corner of the house for shelter.
+
+In the meantime, how fared it at Merryvale. Andy returned with his
+parcel for the squire, and his note from Murtough Murphy, which ran
+thus:--
+
+                    *      *      *      *      *
+
+    "My Dear Squire,--I send you the _blister_ for O'Grady as you
+    insist on it; but I think you won't find it easy to serve him with
+    it.--Your obedient and obliged,
+
+    "Murtough Murphy.
+
+    "_To Edward Egan, Esq., Merryvale._"
+
+                    *      *      *      *      *
+
+The squire opened the cover, and when he saw a real instead of a
+figurative blister, grew crimson with rage. He could not speak for some
+minutes, his indignation was so excessive. "So," said he at last, "Mr.
+Murtough Murphy, you think to cut your jokes with me, do you? By all
+that's sacred, I'll cut such a joke on you with the biggest horsewhip I
+can find, that you'll remember it. '_Dear Squire, I send you the
+blister._' Bad luck to your impidence! Wait till awhile ago--that's
+all. By this and that, you'll get such a blistering from me, that all
+the spermaceti in M'Garry's shop won't cure you."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+
+Squire Egan was as good as his word. He picked out the most suitable
+horsewhip for chastising the fancied impertinence of Murtough Murphy;
+and as he switched it up and down with a powerful arm, to try its
+weight and pliancy, the whistling of the instrument through the air was
+music to his ears, and whispered of promised joy in the flagellation of
+the jocular attorney.
+
+"We'll see who can make the sorest blister," said the squire.
+
+"I'll back whalebone against Spanish flies any day. Will you bet,
+Dick?" said he to his brother-in-law, who was a wild, helter-skelter
+sort of fellow, better known over the country as Dick the Divil than
+Dick Dawson.
+
+"I'll back your bet, Ned."
+
+"There's no fun in that, Dick, as there is nobody to take it up."
+
+"May be Murtough will. Ask him before you thrash him: you'd better."
+
+"As for _him_" said the squire, "I'll be bound he'll back my bet
+after he gets a taste o' this;" and the horsewhip whistled as he spoke.
+
+"I think he had better take care of his back than his bet," said Dick
+as he followed the squire to the hall-door, where his horse was in
+waiting for him, under the care of the renowned Andy, who little
+dreamed of the extensive harvest of mischief which was ripening in
+futurity, all from his sowing.
+
+"Don't kill him quite, Ned," said Dick, as the squire mounted to his
+saddle.
+
+"Why, if I went to horsewhip a gentleman, of course I should only shake
+my whip at him; but an attorney is another affair. And, as I'm sure
+he'll have an action against me for assault, I think I may as well get
+the worth of my money out of him, to say nothing of teaching him better
+manners for the future than to play off his jokes on his employers."
+With these words off he rode in search of the devoted Murtough, who was
+not at home when the squire reached his house; but as he was returning
+through the village, he espied him coming down the street in company
+with Tom Durfy and the widow, who were laughing heartily at some joke
+Murtough was telling them, which seemed to amuse him as much as his
+hearers.
+
+"I'll make him laugh at the wrong side of his mouth," thought the
+squire, alighting and giving his horse to the care of one of the little
+ragged boys who were idling in the street. He approached Murphy with a
+very threatening aspect, and confronting him and his party so as to
+produce a halt, he said, as distinctly as his rage would permit him to
+speak, "You little insignificant blackguard, I'll teach you how you'll
+cut your jokes on _me_ again; _I'll_ blister you, my buck!" and laying
+hands on the astonished Murtough with the last word, he began a very
+smart horsewhipping of the attorney. The widow screamed, Tom Durfy
+swore, and Murtough roared, with some interjectional curses. At last he
+escaped from the squire's grip, leaving the lappel of his coat in his
+possession; and Tom Durfy interposed his person between them when he
+saw an intention on the part of the flagellator to repeat his dose of
+horsewhip.
+
+"Let me at him, sir, or by----"
+
+"Fie, fie, squire!--to horsewhip a gentleman like a cart-horse."
+
+"A gentleman!--an attorney you mean."
+
+"I say a gentleman, Squire Egan," cried Murtough fiercely, roused to
+gallantry by the presence of a lady, and smarting under a sense of
+injury and whalebone. "I'm a gentleman, sir, and demand thesatisfaction
+of a gentleman. I put my honour into your hands, Mr. Durfy."
+
+"Between his finger and thumb, you mean, for there's not a handful of
+it," said the squire.
+
+"Well, sir," replied Tom Durfy, "little or much, I'll take charge of
+it. That's right, my cock," said he to Murtough, who notwithstanding
+his desire to assume a warlike air, could not resist the natural
+impulse of rubbing his back and shoulders which tingled with pain,
+while he exclaimed, "Satisfaction! satisfaction!"
+
+"Very well," said the squire, "you name yourself as Mr. Murphy's
+friend?" added he to Durfy.
+
+"The same, sir," said Tom. "Whom do you name as yours?"
+
+"I suppose you know one Dick the Divil?"
+
+"A very proper person, sir;--no better: I'll go to him directly."
+
+The widow clung to Tom's arm, and looking tenderly at him, cried, "Oh,
+Tom, Tom, take care of your precious life!"
+
+"Bother!" said Tom.
+
+"Ah, Squire Egan, don't be so bloodthirsty!"
+
+"Fudge, woman!" said the squire.
+
+"Ah, Mr. Murphy, I'm sure the squire's very sorry for beating you."
+
+"Divil a bit," said the squire.
+
+"There, ma'am," said Murphy, "you see he'll make no apology."
+
+"Apology!" said Durfy, "apology for a horsewhipping, indeed! Nothing
+but handing a horsewhip (which I wouldn't ask any gentleman to do), or
+a shot, can settle the matter."
+
+"Oh, Tom! Tom! Tom!" said the widow.
+
+"Ba! ba! ba!" shouted Tom, making a crying face at her. "Arrah, woman,
+don't be making a fool of yourself. Go in to the 'pothecary's, and get
+something under your nose to revive you: and let _us_ mind our _own_
+business."
+
+The widow with her eyes turned up, and an exclamation to Heaven, was
+retiring to M'Garry's shop, wringing her hands, when she was nearly
+knocked down by M'Garry himself, who rushed from his own door, at the
+same moment that an awful smash of his shop-window and the demolition
+of his blue and red bottles alarmed the ears of the bystanders, while
+their eyes were drawn from the late belligerent parties to a chase
+which took place down the street of the apothecary, roaring "Murder!"
+followed by Squire O'Grady with an enormous cudgel.
+
+O'Grady, believing that M'Garry and the nurse-tender had combined to
+serve him with a writ, determined to wreak double vengeance on the
+apothecary, as the nurse had escaped him; and, notwithstanding all his
+illness and the appeals of his wife, he left his bed and rode to the
+village, to "break every bone in M'Garry's skin." When he entered the
+shop, the pharmacopolist was much surprised, and said, with a
+congratulatory grin at the great man, "Dear me, Squire O'Grady, I'm
+delighted to see you."
+
+"Are you, you scoundrel!" said the squire, making a blow of his cudgel
+at him, which was fended off by an iron pestle the apothecary
+fortunately had in his hand. The enraged O'Grady made a rush behind the
+counter, which the apothecary nimbly jumped over, crying, "Murder!" as
+he made for the door, followed by his pursuer, who gave a back-handed
+slap at the window-bottles _en passant_, and produced the crash which
+astonished the widow, who now joined her screams to the general hue and
+cry; for an indiscriminate chase of all the ragamuffins in the town,
+with barking curs and screeching children, followed the flight of
+M'Garry and the pursuing squire.
+
+"What the divil is all this about?" said Tom Durfy, laughing. "By the
+powers! I suppose there's something in the weather to produce all this
+fun--though it's early in the year to begin thrashing, for the harvest
+isn't in yet. But, however, let us manage our little affair, now that
+we're left in peace and quietness, for the blackguards are all over the
+bridge after the hunt. I'll go to Dick the Divil immediately, squire,
+and arrange time and place."
+
+"There's nothing like saving time and trouble on these occasions," said
+the squire. "Dick is at my house, I can arrange time and place with you
+this minute, and he will be on the ground with me."
+
+"Very well," said Tom; "where is it to be?"
+
+"Suppose we say the cross-roads, halfway between this and Merryvale?
+There's very pretty ground there, and we shall be able to get our
+pistols and all that ready in the meantime between this and four
+o'clock--and it will be pleasanter to have it all over before dinner."
+
+"Certainly, squire," said Tom Durfy; "we'll be there at four. Till
+then, good morning, squire;" and he and his man walked off.
+
+The widow, in the meantime, had been left to the care of theapothecary's
+boy, whose tender mercies were now, for the first time in his life,
+demanded towards a fainting lady; for the poor raw country lad, having
+to do with a sturdy peasantry in every-day matters, had never before
+seen the capers cut by a lady who thinks it proper, and delicate, and
+becoming, to display her sensibility in a swoon; and truly her sobs,
+and small screeches, and little stampings and kickings, amazed young
+gallipot. Smelling salts were applied;--they were rather weak, so the
+widow inhaled the pleasing odour with a sigh, but did not recover. Sal
+volatile was next put into requisition;--this was something stronger,
+and made her wriggle on her chair, and throw her head about with sundry
+"Ohs!" and "Ahs!" The boy, beginning to be alarmed at the extent of the
+widow's syncope, bethought himself of assafoetida; and, taking down a
+goodly bottle of that sweet-smelling stimulant, gave the widow the
+benefit of the whole jar under her nose. Scarcely had the stopper been
+withdrawn, when she gave a louder screech than she had yet executed,
+and exclaiming "Faugh!" with an expression of the most concentrated
+disgust, opened her eyes fiercely upon the offender, and shut up her
+nose between her forefinger and thumb against the offence, and snuffled
+forth at the astonished boy, "Get out o' that, you dirty cur! Can't you
+let a lady faint in peace and quietness? Gracious Heavens! would you
+smother me, you nasty brute? Oh, Tom, where are you?" and she took to
+sobbing forth "Tom! Tom!" and put her handkerchief to her eyes, to hide
+the tears that were _not_ there, while from behind the corner of the
+cambric she kept a sharp eye on the street, and observed what was going
+on. She went on acting her part very becomingly, until the moment Tom
+Durfy walked off with Murphy; but then she could feign no longer, and
+jumping up from her seat, with an exclamation of "The brute!" she ran
+to the door, and looked down the street after them. "The savage!"
+sobbed the widow; "the hardhearted monster! to abandon me here to
+die--oh! to use me so--to leave me like a--like a"--(the widow was fond
+of similes)--"like an old shoe--like a dirty glove--like a--like I
+don't know what!" (the usual fate of similes). "Mister Durfy, I'll
+punish you for this--I will!" said the widow, with an energetic
+emphasis on the last word; and she marched out of the shop, boiling
+over with indignation, through which nevertheless, a little bubble of
+love now and then rose to the surface; and by the time she reached her
+own door, love predominated, and she sighed as she laid her hand on the
+knocker: "After all, if the dear fellow should be killed, what would
+become of me!--oh!--and that wretch, Dick Dawson, too--_two_ of them.
+The worst of these merry devils is they are always fighting."
+
+The squire had ridden immediately homewards, and told Dick Dawson the
+piece of work that was before them.
+
+"And so he will have a shot at you, instead of an action?" said Dick.
+"Well there's pluck in that: I wish he was more of a gentleman, for
+your sake. It's dirty work, shooting attorneys."
+
+"He's enough of a gentleman, Dick, to make it impossible for me to
+refuse him."
+
+"Certainly, Ned," said Dick.
+
+"Do you know, is he anything of a shot?"
+
+"Faith, he makes very pretty snipe shooting; but I don't know if he has
+experience of the grass before breakfast."
+
+"You must try and find out from some one on the ground; because, if the
+poor divil isn't a good shot, I wouldn't like to kill him, and I'll let
+him off easy--I'll give it to him in the pistol-arm, or so."
+
+"Very well, Ned. Where are the flutes? I must look over them."
+
+"Here," said the squire, producing a very handsome mahogany case of
+Rigby's best. Dick opened the case with the utmost care, and took up
+one of the pistols tenderly, handling it as delicately as if it were a
+young child or a lady's hand. He clicked the lock back and forward a
+few times; and, his ear not being satisfied at the music it produced,
+he said he should like to examine them: "At all events they want a
+touch of oil."
+
+"Well, keep them out of the misthriss' sight, Dick, for she might be
+alarmed."
+
+"Divil a taste," says Dick; "she's a Dawson, and there never was a
+Dawson yet that did not know men must be men."
+
+"That's true, Dick. I would not mind so much if she wasn't in a delicate
+situation just now, when it couldn't be expected of the woman to be so
+stout; so go, like a good fellow, into your own room, and Andy will
+bring you anything you want."
+
+Five minutes after, Dick was engaged in cleaning the duelling pistols,
+and Andy at his elbow, with his mouth wide open, wondering at the
+interior of the locks which Dick had just taken off.
+
+"Oh, my heavens! but that's a quare thing, Misther Dick, sir," said
+Andy, going to take it up.
+
+"Keep your fingers off it, you thief, do!" roared Dick, making a rap of
+the turnscrew at Andy's knuckles.
+
+"Shure, I'll save you the trouble o' rubbin' that, Misther Dick, if you
+let me; here's the shabby leather."
+
+"I wouldn't let your clumsy fist near it, Andy, nor your _shabby_
+leather, you villain, for the world. Go get me some oil."
+
+Andy went on his errand, and returned with a can of lamp-oil to Dick,
+who swore at him for his stupidity; "The divil fly away with you!--you
+never do anything right; you bring me lamp-oil for a pistol."
+
+"Well, sure I thought lamp-oil was the right thing for burnin'."
+
+"And who wants to burn it, you savage?"
+
+"Aren't you going to fire it, sir?"
+
+"Choke you, you vagabond," said Dick, who could not resist laughing,
+nevertheless; "be off, and get me some sweet oil; but don't tell any
+one what it's for."
+
+Andy retired, and Dick pursued his polishing of the locks. Why he used
+such a blundering fellow as Andy for a messenger might be wondered at,
+only that Dick was fond of fun, and Andy's mistakes were a particular
+source of amusement to him, and on all occasions when he could have
+Andy in his company he made him his attendant. When the sweet oil was
+produced, Dick looked about for a feather; but, not finding one,
+desired Andy to fetch him a pen. Andy went on his errand, and returned,
+after some delay, with an ink bottle.
+
+"I brought you the ink, sir; but I can't find a pin."
+
+"Confound your numskull! I didn't say a word about ink--I asked for a
+pen."
+
+"And what use would a pin be without ink, now I ax yourself, Misther
+Dick?"
+
+"I'd knock your brains out if you had any, you _omadhaun_! Go along,
+and get me a feather, and make haste."
+
+Andy went off, and having obtained a feather, returned to Dick, who
+began to tip certain portions of the lock very delicately with oil.
+
+"What's that for, Misther Dick, sir, if you plaze?"
+
+"To make it work smooth."
+
+"And what's that thing you're grazin' now, sir?"
+
+"That's the tumbler."
+
+"O Lord! a tumbler--what a quare name for it. I thought there was no
+tumbler but a tumbler for punch."
+
+"That's the tumbler you would like to be cleaning the inside of, Andy."
+
+"Thrue for you, sir. And what's that little thing you have your hand on
+now, sir?"
+
+"That's the cock."
+
+"Oh, dear, a cock! Is there e'er a hin in it, sir?"
+
+"No, nor a chicken either, though there _is_ a feather."
+
+"The one in your hand, sir, that you're grazin' it with?"
+
+"No: but this little thing--that is called the feather-spring."
+
+"It's the feather, I suppose, makes it let fly."
+
+"No doubt of it, Andy."
+
+"Well, there's some sinse in that name, then; but who'd think of sich a
+thing as a tumbler and a cock in a pistle? And what's that place that
+open and shuts, sir?"
+
+"The pan."
+
+"Well, there's sinse in that name too, bekase there's fire in the thing;
+and it's as nath'ral to say pan to that as to a fryin'-pan--isn't it,
+Misther Dick?"
+
+"Oh! there was a great gunmaker lost in you, Andy," said Dick, as he
+screwed on the locks, which he had regulated to his mind, and began to
+examine the various departments of the pistol-case, to see that it was
+properly provided. He took the instrument to cut some circles of thin
+leather, and Andy again asked him for the name o' _that_ thing?
+
+"This is called the punch, Andy."
+
+"So there is the punch as well as the tumbler, sir."
+
+"Ay, and very strong punch it is, you see, Andy;" and Dick, struck it
+with his little mahogany mallet, and cut his patches of leather.
+
+"And what's that for, sir?--the leather I mane."
+
+"That's for putting round the ball."
+
+"Is it for fear 't would hurt him too much when you shot him."
+
+"You're a queer customer, Andy," said Dick, smiling.
+
+"And what weeshee little balls thim is, sir."
+
+"They are always small for duelling-pistols."
+
+"Oh, then _thim_ is jewellin' pistles. Why, musha, Misther Dick, is it
+goin' to fight a jule you are?" said Andy, looking at him with earnestness.
+
+"No, Andy, but the master is; but don't say a word about it."
+
+"Not a word for the world. The masther's goin' to fight! God send him
+safe out iv it! amin. And who is he going to fight, Misther Dick?"
+
+"Murphy, the attorney, Andy."
+
+"Oh, won't the masther disgrace himself by fightin' the 'torney?"
+
+"How dare you say such a thing of your master?"
+
+"I ax your pard'n, Misther Dick: but sure you know what I mane. I hope
+he'll shoot him."
+
+"Why, Andy, Murtough was always very good to you, and now you wish him
+to be shot."
+
+"Sure, why wouldn't I rather have him kilt more than the masther?"
+
+"But neither may be killed."
+
+"Misther Dick," said Andy, lowering his voice, "wouldn't it be an
+iligant thing to put two balls into the pistle instead o' one, and give
+the masther a chance over the 'torney?"
+
+"Oh, you murdherous villain!"
+
+"Arrah! why shouldn't the masther have a chance over him!--sure he has
+childre, and 'Torney Murphy has none."
+
+"At any rate, Andy, I suppose you'd give the masther a ball additional
+for every child he has, and that would make eight. So you might as well
+give him a blunderbuss and slugs at once."
+
+Dick loaded the pistol-case, having made all right, and desired Andy to
+mount a horse, carry it by a back road out of the demesne, and wait at
+a certain gate he named until he should be joined there by himself and
+the squire, who proceeded at the appointed time to the ground.
+
+Andy was all ready, and followed his master and Dick with great pride,
+bearing the pistol-case after them to the ground, where Murphy and Tom
+Durfy were ready to receive them; and a great number of spectators were
+assembled, for the noise of the business had gone abroad, and the
+ground was in consequence crowded.
+
+Tom Durfy had warned Murtough Murphy, who had no experience as a pistol
+man, that the squire was a capital shot, and that his only chance was
+to fire as quickly as he could. "Slap at him, Morty, my boy, the minute
+you get the word; and if you don't hit him itself, it will prevent his
+dwelling on his aim."
+
+Tom Durfy and Dick the Devil soon settled the preliminaries of the
+ground and mode of firing, and twelve paces having been marked, both
+the seconds opened their pistol-cases and prepared to load. Andy was
+close to Dick all the time, kneeling beside the pistol-case, which lay
+on the sod; and as Dick turned round to settle some other point on
+which Tom Durfy questioned him, Andy thought he might snatch the
+opportunity of giving his master "the chance" he suggested to his
+second. "Sure, if Misther Dick wouldn't like to do it, that's no raison
+I wouldn't," said Andy to himself, "and, by the powers! I'll pop in a
+ball _onknownst_ to him." And, sure enough, Andy contrived, while the
+seconds were engaged with each other, to put a ball into each pistol
+before the barrel was loaded with powder, so that when Dick took up his
+pistols to load, a bullet lay between the powder and the touch-hole.
+Now, this must have been discovered by Dick, had he been cool: but he
+and Tom Durfy had wrangled very much about the point they had been
+discussing, and Dick, at no time the quietest person in the world, was
+in such a rage that the pistols were loaded by him without noticing
+Andy's ingenious interference, and he handed a harmless weapon to his
+brother-in-law when he placed him on his ground.
+
+The word was given. Murtough, following his friend's advice, fired
+instantly--bang he went, while the squire returned but a flash in the
+pan. He turned a look of reproach upon Dick, who took the pistol
+silently from him, and handed him the other, having carefully looked to
+the priming after the accident which happened to the first.
+
+Durfy handed his man another pistol also; and before he left his side,
+said in a whisper, "Don't forget--have the first fire."
+
+Again the word was given. Murphy blazed away a rapid and harmless shot;
+for his hurry was the squire's safety, while Andy's murderous
+intentions were his salvation.
+
+"D----n the pistol!" said the squire, throwing it down in a rage. Dick
+took it up with manifest indignation, and d----d the powder.
+
+"Your powder's damp, Ned."
+
+"No, it's not," said the squire, "it's you who have bungled the
+loading."
+
+"Me!" said Dick, with a look of mingled rage and astonishment. "_I_
+bungle the loading of pistols! _I_, that have stepped more ground and
+arranged more affairs than any man in the country! Arrah, be aisy,
+Ned!"
+
+Tom Durfy now interfered, and said for the present it was no matter,
+as, on the part of his friend, he begged to express himself satisfied.
+
+"But it's very hard _we_'re not to have a shot," said Dick, poking the
+touch-hole of the pistol with a pricker, which he had just taken from
+the case which Andy was holding before him.
+
+"Why, my dear Dick," said Durfy, "as Murphy has had two shots, and the
+squire has not had the return of either, he declares he will not fire
+at him again; and, under these circumstances, I must take my man off
+the ground."
+
+"Very well," said Dick, still poking the touch-hole, and examining the
+point of the pricker as he withdrew it.
+
+"And now Murphy wants to know, since the affair is all over and his
+honour satisfied, what was your brother-in-law's motive in assaulting
+him this morning, for he himself cannot conceive a cause for it."
+
+"Oh, be _aisy_, Tom."
+
+"'Pon my soul it's true!"
+
+"Why, he sent him a blister--a regular apothecary's blister--instead of
+some law process, by way of a joke, and Ned wouldn't stand it."
+
+Durfy held a moment's conversation with Murphy, who now advanced to the
+squire, and begged to assure him there must be some mistake in the
+business, for that he had never committed the impertinence of which he
+was accused.
+
+"All I know is," said the squire, "that I got a blister, which my
+messenger said you gave him."
+
+"By virtue of my oath, squire, I never did it! I gave Andy an enclosure
+of the law process."
+
+"Then it's some mistake that vagabond has made," said the squire. "Come
+here, you sir!" he shouted to Andy. Now Andy at this moment stood
+trembling under the angry eye of Dick the Devil, who, having detected a
+bit of lead on the point of the pricker, guessed in a moment Andy had
+been at work, and the unfortunate rascal, from the furious look of
+Dick, had a misgiving that he _had_ made some blunder. "Why don't you
+come here when I call you?" said the squire. Andy laid down the
+pistol-case, and sneaked up to the squire. "What did you do with the
+letter Mr. Murphy gave you for me yesterday?"
+
+"I brought it to your honour."
+
+"No, you didn't," said Murphy. "You've made some mistake."
+
+"Divil a mistake I made," answered Andy, very stoutly. "I wint home the
+minit you gev it to me."
+
+"Did you go home direct from my house to the squire's?"
+
+"Yis, sir, I did--I went direct home, and called at Mr. M'Garry's by
+the way for some physic for the childre."
+
+"That's it!" said Murtough; "he changed my enclosure for a blister
+there; and if M'Garry has only had the luck to send the bit o'
+parchment to O'Grady, it will be the best joke I've heard this month of
+Sundays."
+
+"He did! he did!" shouted Tom Durfy; "for don't you remember how
+O'Grady was after M'Garry this morning?"
+
+"Sure enough," said Murtough, enjoying the double mistake. "By dad!
+Andy, you've made a mistake this time that I'll forgive you."
+
+"By the powers o' war!" roared Dick the Devil; "I won't forgive him
+what he did now, though. What do you think?" said he, holding out the
+pistols, and growing crimson with rage, "may I never fire another shot,
+if he hasn't crammed a brace of bullets down the pistols before I
+loaded them; so no wonder you burned prime, Ned."
+
+There was a universal laugh at Dick's expense, whose pride in being
+considered the most accomplished regulator of the duello was well
+known.
+
+"Oh, Dick, Dick! you're a pretty second!" was shouted by all.
+
+Dick, stung by the laughter, and feeling keenly the ridiculous position
+in which he was placed, made a rush at Andy, who, seeing the storm
+brewing, gradually sneaked away from the group, and when he perceived
+the sudden movement of Dick the Devil, took to his heels, with Dick
+after him.
+
+"Hurra!" cried Murphy, "a race--a race! I'll bet on Andy--five pounds
+on Andy."
+
+"Done!" said the squire: "I'll back Dick the Divil."
+
+"Tare an' ouns!" roared Murphy, "how Andy runs! Fear's a fine spur."
+
+"So is rage," said the squire. "Dick's hot-foot after him. Will you
+double the bet?"
+
+"Done!" said Murphy.
+
+The infection of betting caught the bystanders, and various gages were
+thrown and taken up upon the speed of the runners, who were getting
+rapidly into the distance, flying over hedge and ditch with surprising
+velocity, and, from the level nature of the ground, an extensive view
+could not be obtained, therefore Tom Durfy, the steeple-chaser, cried,
+"Mount, mount! or we'll lose the fun--into our saddles, and after
+them."
+
+Those who had steeds took the hint, and a numerous field of horsemen
+joined in the pursuit of Handy Andy and Dick the Devil, who still
+maintained great speed. The horsemen made for a neighbouring hill,
+whence they could command a wider view; and the betting went on
+briskly, varying according to the vicissitudes of the race.
+
+"Two to one on Dick--he's closing."
+
+"Done! Andy will wind him yet."
+
+"Well done--there's a leap! Hurra! Dick's down! Well done, Dick!--up
+again and going."
+
+"Mind the next quickset hedge--that's a rasper, it's a wide gripe, and
+the hedge is as thick as a wall--Andy'll stick in it--mind him--well
+leaped, by the powers! Ha! he's sticking in the hedge--Dick'll catch
+him now. No, by jingo! he's pushed his way through--there, he's going
+again on the other side. Ha! ha! ha! ha! look at him--he's in tatters!
+he has left half of his breeches in the hedge!"
+
+"Dick is over now. Hurra! he has lost the skirt of his coat! Andy is
+gaining on him--two to one on Andy."
+
+"Down he goes!" was shouted as Andy's foot slipped in making a dash at
+another ditch, into which he went head over heels, and Dick followed
+fast, and disappeared after him.
+
+"Ride! ride!" shouted Tom Durfy; and the horsemen put their spurs into
+the flanks of their steeds, and were soon up to the scene of action.
+There was Andy, rolling over and over in the muddy bottom of a ditch,
+floundering in rank weeds and duck's meat, with Dick fastened on him,
+pummelling away most unmercifully, but not able to kill him altogether,
+for want of breath.
+
+The horsemen, in a universal _screech_ of laughter, dismounted, and
+disengaged the unfortunate Andy from the fangs of Dick the Devil, who
+was dragged out of the ditch much more like a scavenger than a
+gentleman.
+
+The moment Andy got loose, away he ran again, with a rattling
+"Tally-ho!" after him, and he never cried stop till he earthed himself
+under his mother's bed in the parent cabin.
+
+Murtough Murphy characteristically remarked, that the affair of the day
+had taken a very whimsical turn;--"Here are you and I, squire, who went
+out to shoot each other, safe and well, while one of the seconds has
+come off rather worse for the wear; and a poor devil, who had nothing
+to say to the matter in hand, good, bad, or indifferent, is nearly
+killed."
+
+The squire and Murtough then shook hands, and parted friends half an
+hour after they had met as foes; and even Dick contrived to forget his
+annoyance in an extra stoup of claret that day after dinner--filling
+more than one bumper in drinking _confusion_ to Handy Andy, which
+seemed a rather unnecessary malediction.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+
+After the friendly parting of the foes (_pro tempore_), there was a
+general scatter of the party who had come to see the duel: and how
+strange is the fact, that as much as human nature is prone to shudder
+at death under the gentlest circumstances, yet men will congregate to
+be its witnesses when violence aggravates the calamity! A public
+execution or a duel is a focus where burning curiosity concentrates; in
+the latter case, Ireland bears the palm for a crowd; in the former, the
+annals of the Old Bailey can _amply_ testify. Ireland has its own
+interest, too, in a place of execution, but not in the same degree as
+England. They have been too used to hanging in Ireland to make it
+piquant: "_toujours perdrix_" is a saying which applies in this as in
+many other cases. The gallows, in its palmy days, was shorn of its
+terrors: it became rather a pastime. For the victim it was a pastime
+with a vengeance; for through it all time was past with him. For the
+rabble who beheld his agony, the frequency of the sight had blunted the
+edge of horror, and only sharpened that of unnatural excitement. The
+great school, where law should be the respected master, failed to
+inspire its intended awe;--the legislative lesson became a mockery; and
+death, instead of frowning with terror, grinned in a fool's cap from
+the scaffold.
+
+This may be doubted now, when a milder spirit presides in the councils
+of the nation and on the bench; but those who remember Ireland not very
+long ago, can bear witness how lightly life was valued, or death
+regarded. Illustrative of this, one may refer to the story of the two
+basket-women in Dublin, who held gentle converse on the subject of an
+approaching execution.
+
+"Won't you go see de man die to-morrow, Judy?"
+
+"Oh no, darlin'," said Judy. (By-the-bye, Judy pronounced the _n_
+through her nose, and said "_d_o.")
+
+"Ah do, jewel," said her friend.
+
+Judy again responded, "_D_o."
+
+"And why won't you go, dear?" inquired her friend again.
+
+"I've to wash de child," said Judy.
+
+"Sure, didn't you wash it last week?" said her friend, in an
+expostulatory tone.
+
+"Oh, well, I _won't_ go," said Judy.
+
+"Throth, Judy, you're ruinin' your health," said this soft-hearted
+acquaintance; "dere's a man to die to-morrow, and you won't
+come--augh!--you _d_ever take _d_o divarshin!"
+
+And wherefore is it thus? Why should tears bedew the couch of him who
+dies in the bosom of his family, surrounded by those who love him,
+whose pillow is smoothed by the hand of filial piety, whose past is
+without reproach, and whose future is bright with hope? and why should
+dry eyes behold the duellist or the culprit, in whom folly or guilt may
+be the cause of a death on which the seal of censure or infamy may be
+set, and whose futurity we must tremble to consider? With more reason
+might we weep for the fate of either of the latter than the former, and
+yet we _do_ not. And why is it so? If I may venture an opinion, it is
+that nature is violated: a natural death demands and receives the
+natural tribute of tears; but a death of violence falls with a stunning
+force upon the nerves, and the fountain of pity stagnates and will not
+flow.
+
+Though there was a general scattering of the persons who came to see
+the duel, still a good many rode homeward with Murphy, who, with his
+second, Tom Durfy, beside him, headed the party, as they rode gaily
+towards the town, and laughed over the adventure of Andy and Dick.
+
+"No one can tell how anything is to finish," said Tom Durfy; "here we
+came out to have a duel, and, in the end, it turned out a hunt."
+
+"I am glad you were not in at _my_ death, however," said Murphy, who
+seemed particularly happy at not being killed.
+
+"You lost no time in firing, Murtough," said one of his friends.
+
+"And small blame to me, Billy," answered Murphy; "Egan is a capital
+shot, and how did I know but he might take it into his head to shoot
+me?--for he's very hot when roused, though as good-natured a fellow in
+the main as ever broke bread; and yet I don't think, after all, he'd
+have liked to do me much mischief either; but, you see, he couldn't
+stand the joke he thought I played him."
+
+"Will you tell us what it was?" cried another of the party, pressing
+forward, "for we can't make it out exactly, though we've heard
+something of it--wasn't it leeches you sent to him, telling him he was
+a blood-sucking villain?"
+
+A roar of laughter from Murtough followed this question. "Lord, how a
+story gets mangled and twisted!" said he, as soon as he could speak.
+"Leeches! what an absurdity! No, it was----"
+
+"A bottle of castor oil, wasn't it, by way of a present of noyeau?"
+said another of the party, hurrying to the front to put forward _his_
+version of the matter.
+
+A second shout of laughter from Murphy greeted this third edition of
+the story. "If you will listen to me, I'll give you the genuine
+version," said Murtough, "which is better, I promise you, than any
+which invention could supply. The fact is, Squire Egan is enraged
+against O'Grady, and applied to me to harass him in the parchment line,
+swearing he would blister him; and this phrase of blistering occurred
+so often, that when I sent him over a bit o' parchment, which he
+engaged to have served on my bold O'Grady, I wrote to him, 'Dear
+Squire, I send you the blister;' and that most ingenious of all
+blunderers, Handy Andy, being the bearer, and calling at M'Garry's shop
+on his way home, picked up from the counter a _real_ blister, which was
+folded up in an inclosure, something like the process, and left the
+law-stinger behind him."
+
+"That's grate!" cried Doyle.
+
+"Oh, but you have not heard the best of it yet," added Murphy. "I am
+certain the bit of parchment was sent to O'Grady, for he was hunting
+M'Garry this morning through the town, with a cudgel of portentous
+dimensions--put that and that together."
+
+"No mistake!" cried Doyle; "and divil pity O'Grady, for he's a
+blustering, swaggering, overbearing, ill-tempered----"
+
+"Hillo, hillo, Bill!" interrupted Murphy, "you are too hard on the
+adjectives; besides, you'll spoil your appetite if you ruffle your
+temper, and that would fret me, for I intend you to dine with me
+to-day."
+
+"Faith an' I'll do that same, Murtough, my boy, and glad to be asked,
+as the old maid said."
+
+"I'll tell you what it is," said Murphy; "boys, you must all dine with
+me to-day, and drink long life to me, since I'm not killed."
+
+"There are seventeen of us," said Durfy; "the little parlour won't hold
+us all."
+
+"But isn't there a big room at the inn, Tom?" returned Murphy, "and not
+better drink in Ireland than Mrs. Fay's. What do you say, lads--one and
+all--will you dine with me?"
+
+"Will a duck swim?" chuckled out Jack Horan, an oily veteran, who
+seldom opened his mouth but to put something into it, and spared his
+words as if they were of value; and to make them appear so, he spoke in
+apophthegms.
+
+"What say you, James Reddy?" said Murtough.
+
+"Ready, sure enough, and willing too!" answered James, who was a small
+wit, and made the aforesaid play upon his name at least three hundred
+and sixty-five times every year.
+
+"Oh, we'll all come," was uttered right and left.
+
+"Good men and true!" shouted Murphy; "won't we make the rafters shake,
+and turn the cellar inside out! Whoo! I'm in great heart to-day. But
+who is this powdhering up the road? By the powers! 't is the doctor, I
+think; 't is--I know his bandy hat over the cloud of dust."
+
+The individual thus designated as _the_ doctor now emerged from the
+obscurity in which he had been enveloped, and was received with a loud
+shout by the whole cavalcade as he approached them. Both parties drew
+rein, and the doctor, lifting from his head the aforesaid bandy hat,
+which was slouched over one eye, with a sinister droop, made a low
+obeisance to Murphy, and said, with a mock solemnity, "Your servant,
+sir--and so you're not killed?"
+
+"No," said Murphy; "and you've lost a job, which I see you came to look
+for--but you're not to have the carving of me yet."
+
+"Considering it's so near Michaelmas, I think you've had a great
+escape, signor," returned the doctor.
+
+"Sure enough," said Murphy, laughing; "but you're late this time: so
+you must turn back, and content yourself with carving something more
+innocent than an attorney to-day--though at an attorney's cost. You
+must dine with me."
+
+"Willingly, signor," said the doctor; "but pray don't make use of the
+word 'cost.' I hate to hear it out of an attorney's mouth--or _bill_, I
+should say."
+
+A laugh followed the doctor's pleasantry, but no smile appeared upon
+_his_ countenance; for though uttering quaint and often very good, but
+oftener very bitter, things, he never moved a muscle of his face, while
+others were shaking their sides at his sallies. He was, in more ways
+than one, a remarkable man. A massive head, large and rather protruding
+eyes, lank hair, slouching ears, a short neck, and broad shoulders,
+rather inclined to stooping, a long body, and short legs, slightly
+bowed, constituted his outward man; and a lemon-coloured complexion,
+which a residence of some years in the East Indies had produced, did
+not tend to increase his beauty. His mind displayed a superior
+intelligence, original views, contempt of received opinions, with a
+power of satire and ridicule, which rendered him a pleasing friend or a
+dangerous enemy, as the case might be; though, to say the truth, friend
+and foe were treated with nearly equal severity, if a joke or sarcasm
+tempted the assault. His own profession hated him, for he unsparingly
+ridiculed all stale practice, which his conviction led him to believe
+was inefficient, and he daringly introduced fresh, to the no small
+indignation of the more cut and dry portion of the faculty, for whose
+hate he returned contempt, of which he made no secret. From an extreme
+coarseness of manner, even those who believed in his skill were afraid
+to trust to his humour: and the dislike of his brother-practitioners to
+meet him superadded to this, damaged his interest considerably, and
+prevented his being called in until extreme danger frightened patients,
+or their friends, into sending for Dr. Growling. His carelessness in
+dress, too, inspired disgust in the fair portion of the creation: and
+"snuffy" and "dirty," "savage" and "brute," were among the sweet words
+they applied to him.
+
+Nevertheless, those who loved a joke more than they feared a hit, would
+run the risk of an occasional thrust of the doctor's stiletto, for the
+sake of enjoying the mangling he gave other people; and such rollicking
+fellows as Murphy, and Durfy, and Dawson, and Squire Egan petted this
+social hedgehog.
+
+The doctor now turned his horse's head, and joined the cavalcade to the
+town. "I have blown my Rosinante," said he; "I was in such a hurry to
+see the fun."
+
+"Yes," said Murphy, "he smokes."
+
+"And his master takes snuff," said the doctor, suiting the action to
+the word. "I suppose, signor, you were thinking a little while ago that
+the squire might serve an ejectment on your vitality?"
+
+"Or that in the trial between us I might get damages," said Murphy.
+
+"There is a difference, in such case," said the doctor, "between a
+court of law and the court of honour; for in the former, the man is
+plaintiff before he gets his damages, while in the latter, it is after
+he gets his damages that he complains."
+
+"I'm glad my term is not ended, however," said Murphy.
+
+"If it had been," said the doctor, "I think you'd have had a long
+vacation in limbo."
+
+"And suppose I had been hit," said Murphy, "you would have been late on
+the ground. You're a pretty friend!"
+
+"It's my luck, sir," said the doctor; "I'm always late for a job.
+By-the-bye, I'll tell you an amusing fact of that musty piece of
+humanity, Miss Jinkins. Her niece was dangerously ill, and she had that
+licensed slaughterer from Killanmaul trying to tinker her up, till the
+poor girl was past all hope, and then she sends for me. She swore, some
+time ago, I shall never darken her doors; but when she began to
+apprehend that death was rather a darker gentleman than I, she
+tolerated my person. The old crocodile met me in the hall--by-the-bye,
+did you ever remark she's _like_ a crocodile, only not with so pleasing
+an expression?--and wringing her hands she cried, 'Oh, doctor, I'll be
+bound to you forever!'--I hope not, thought I to myself. 'Save my
+Jemima, doctor, and there's nothing I won't do to prove my gratitude.'
+'Is she long ill, ma'am?' said I. 'A fortnight, doctor.' 'I wish I had
+been called in sooner, ma'am,' says I--for, 'pon my conscience, Murphy,
+it is too ridiculous the way the people go on about me. I verily
+believe they think I can raise people out of their graves; and they
+call me in to repair the damages disease _and_ the doctors have been
+making; and while the gentlemen in black silk stockings, with
+gold-headed canes, have been fobbing fees for three weeks, perhaps,
+they call in poor Jack Growling, who scorns Jack-a-dandyism, and _he_
+gets a solitary guinea for mending the bungling that cost something to
+the tune of twenty or thirty perhaps. And when I have plucked them from
+the jaws of death--regularly cheated the sexton out of them--the best
+word they have for me is to call me a pig, or abuse my boots, or wonder
+that the doctor is not more particular about his linen--the fools! But
+to return to my gentle crocodile. I was shown upstairs to the sick
+room, and there, sir, I saw the unfortunate girl, speechless, at the
+last gasp absolutely. The Killanmaul dandy had left her to
+die--absolutely given her up; and _then_, indeed, I'm sent for! Well, I
+was in a rage, and was rushing out of the house, when the crocodile
+way-laid me in the hall. 'Oh, doctor, won't you do something for my
+Jemima?' 'I can't, ma'am,' says I; 'but Mr. Fogarty can.' 'Mr.
+Fogarty!' says she. 'Yes, ma'am,' says I. 'You have mistaken my
+profession, Miss Jinkins--I'm a doctor, ma'am; but I suppose _you took
+me for an undertaker_!'"
+
+"Well, you hit her hard, doctor," said Murphy.
+
+"Sir, you might as well hit a rhinoceros," returned the doctor.
+
+"When shall we dine?" asked Jack Horan.
+
+"As soon as Mrs. Fay can let us have the eatables," answered Murphy;
+"and, by-the-bye, Jack, I leave the ordering of the dinner to you, for
+no man understands better how to do that same; besides, I want to leave
+my horse in my own stable, and I'll be up at the inn, after you, in a
+brace of shakes."
+
+The troop now approached the town. Those who lived there rode to their
+own stables, and returned to the party at Mrs. Fay's: while they who
+resided at a distance dismounted at the door of the inn, which soon
+became a scene of bustle in all its departments from this large influx
+of guests; and the preparation for the dinner, exceeding in scale what
+Mrs. Fay was generally called upon to provide, except when the assizes,
+or races, or other such cause of commotion, demanded all the resources
+of her establishment, and more, if she had them. So the Dinnys, and the
+Tims, and the Mickeys, were rubbing down horses, cleaning knives, or
+drawing forth extra tables from their dusty repose; and the Biddys, and
+Judys, and Nellys, were washing up plates, scouring pans, and
+brightening up extra candlesticks, or doing deeds of doom in the
+poultry-yard, where an audible commotion gave token of the premature
+deaths of sundry supernumerary chickens.
+
+Murphy soon joined his guests, grinning from ear to ear, and rubbing
+his hands as he entered.
+
+"Great news, boys," said he; "who do you think was at my house, when I
+got home, but M'Garry, with his head bandaged up, and his whole body,
+as he declares, bearing black and blue testimony to the merciless
+attack of the bold O'Grady, against whom he swears he'll bring an
+action for assault and battery. Now, boys, I thought it would be great
+fun to have him here to dinner--it's as good as a play to hear him
+describe the thrashing--so I asked him to come. He said he was not in a
+fit state to dine out; but I egged him on by saying that a sight of him
+in his present plight would excite sympathy for him, and stir up public
+feeling against O'Grady, and that all would tell in the action, as most
+likely some of the present company might be on the jury, and would be
+the better able to judge how far he was entitled to damages, from
+witnessing the severity of the injury he had received. So he's coming;
+and mind, you must all be deeply affected at his sufferings, and
+impressed with the _powerful_ description he gives of the same."
+
+"Very scientific, of course," said old Growling.
+
+"Extensively so," returned Murphy; "he laid on the Latin _heavy_."
+
+"Yes--the fool!" growled the doctor: "he can't help sporting it even on
+me. I went into his shop one day, and asked for some opium wine, and he
+could not resist calling it _vinum opii_ as he handed it to me."
+
+"We'll make him a martyr!" cried Durfy.
+
+"We'll make him dhrunk!" said Jack Horan, "and that will be better. He
+brags that he never was what he calls 'inebriated' in his life; and it
+will be great fun to send him home on a door, with a note to his wife,
+who is proud of his propriety."
+
+As they spoke, M'Garry entered, his head freshly bound up, to look as
+genteel as possible amongst the gentlemen with whom he was to have the
+honour of dining. His wife had suggested a pink ribbon, but M'Garry,
+while he acknowledged his wife's superior taste, said black would look
+more professional. The odd fellows to whom he had now committed
+himself, crowded round him, and, in the most exaggerated phrases,
+implied the high sense they entertained of _his_ wrongs and O'Grady's
+aggression.
+
+"Unprovoked attack!" cried one.
+
+"Savage ruffian!" ejaculated another.
+
+"What atrocity!" said a third.
+
+"What dignified composure!" added a fourth, in an audible whisper,
+meant for M'Garry's ear.
+
+"Gentlemen!" said the apothecary, flurried at the extreme attention of
+which he became the object; "I beg to assure you I am deeply--that
+is--this proof of--of--of--of symptoms--gentlemen--I mean sympathy,
+gentlemen--in short, I really----"
+
+"The fact is," said Growling, "I see Mr. M'Garry is rather shaken in
+nerve--whether from loss of blood or----"
+
+"I have lost a quantity of blood, doctor," said M'Garry; "much
+vascular, to say nothing of extra-vasated."
+
+"Which, I'll state in my case," said Murphy.
+
+"Murphy, don't interrupt," said Growling, who, with a very grave face,
+recommenced: "Gentlemen, from the cause already stated, I see Mr.
+M'Garry is not prepared to answer the out-pouring of feeling with which
+you have greeted him, and if I might be permitted----"
+
+Every one shouted, "Certainly--certainly!"
+
+"Then as I am permitted, I _will_ venture to respond _for_ Mr. M'Garry,
+and address you, as he _would_ address you. In the words of Mr.
+M'Garry, I would say--Gentlemen--unaccustomed as I am"--Some smothered
+laughter followed this beginning; upon which the doctor, with a mock
+gravity, proceeded--
+
+"Gentlemen, this interruption I consider to be an infringement on the
+liberty of the subject. I recommence, therefore, in the words of my
+honourable and wounded friend, and our honourable and wounded feelings,
+and say, as my friend would say, or, to speak classically, M'Garry
+_loquitur_"--
+
+The apothecary bowed his head to the bit of Latin, and the doctor
+continued--
+
+"Gentlemen--unaccustomed to public thrashing, you can conceive what my
+feelings are at the present moment, in mind and body. [_Bravo_!] You
+behold an outrage [_much confusion_]! Shall an exaggerated savagery
+like this escape punishment, and 'the calm, sequestered vale' (as the
+poet calls it) of private life be ravaged with impunity? [_Bravo,
+bravo!_] Are the learned professions to be trampled under foot by
+barbarian ignorance and brutality? No; I read in the indignant looks of
+my auditory their high-souled answers. Gentlemen, your sympathy is
+better than diachylon to my wounds, and this is the proudest day of my
+life."
+
+Thunders of applause followed the doctor's address, and every one shook
+M'Garry's hand, till his bruised bones ached again. Questions poured
+upon him from all sides as to the nature and quantity of his drubbing,
+to all of which M'Garry innocently answered in terms of exaggeration,
+spiced with scientific phrases. Muscles, tendons, bones, and sinews,
+were particularised with the precision of an anatomical demonstration;
+he swore he was pulverised, and paralysed, and all the other lies he
+could think of.
+
+"A large stick you say?" said Murphy.
+
+"Sir! I never saw such a stick--'t was like a weaver's beam!"
+
+"I'll make a note of that," said Murphy. "A weaver's beam--'t will tell
+well with a jury."
+
+"And beat you all over?" said Durfy.
+
+"From shoulder to flank, sir, I am one mass of welts and weals; the
+abrasures are extensive, the bruises terrific, particularly in the
+lumbar region."
+
+"What's that," asked Jack Horan.
+
+"The lumbar region is what is commonly called the loins, sir."
+
+"Not always," said the doctor. "It varies in different subjects: I have
+known some people whose _lumber_ region lay in the head."
+
+"You laugh, gentlemen," said M'Garry, with a mournful smile; "but you
+_know_ the doctor--he _will_ be jocular." He then continued to describe
+the various other regions of his injuries, amidst the well-acted pity
+and indignation of the queer fellows who drew him out, until they were
+saturated, so far, with the fun of the subject. After which, Murphy,
+whose restless temperament could never let him be quiet for a moment,
+suggested that they should divert themselves before dinner with a
+badger-fight.
+
+"Isn't one fight a day enough for you, signor?" said the doctor.
+
+"It is not every day we get a badger, you know," said Murphy; "and I
+heard just now from Tim the waiter that there is a horse-dealer lately
+arrived at the stables here, who has a famous one with him, and I know
+Reilly the butcher has two or three capital dogs, and there's a wicked
+mastiff below stairs, and I'll send for my 'buffer,' and we'll have
+some spanking sport."
+
+He led his guests then to the inn yard, and the horse-dealer, for a
+consideration, allowed his badger to wage battle: the noise of the
+affair spread through the town, while they were making their
+arrangements, and sending right and left for dogs for the contest; and
+a pretty considerable crowd soon assembled at the place of action,
+where the hour before dinner was spent in the intellectual amusement of
+a badger-fight.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+
+The fierce yells of the badger-fight ringing far and wide, soon
+attracted a crowd, which continued to increase every minute by
+instalments of men and boys, who might be seen running across a small
+field by the road-side, close to the scene of action, which lay at the
+back of the inn; and heavy-caped and skirted frieze coats streamed
+behind the full-grown, while the rags of the gossoons[1] fluttered in
+the race. Attracted by this evidence of "something going on," a
+horseman, who was approaching the town, urged his horse to speed, and
+turning his head towards a yawning double ditch that divided the road
+from the field, he gracefully rode the noble animal over the spanking
+leap.
+
+      [1] Boys.
+
+The rider was Edward O'Connor; and he was worthy of his name--the pure
+blood of that royal race was in his heart, which never harboured a
+sentiment that could do it dishonour, and overflowed with feelings
+which ennoble human nature, and make us proud of our kind. He was young
+and handsome; and as he sat his mettled horse, no lady could deny that
+Edward O'Connor was the very type of the gallant cavalier. Though
+attached to every manly sport and exercise, his mind was of a refined
+order; and a youth passed amidst books and some of the loveliest
+scenery in Ireland had nurtured the poetic feeling with which his mind
+was gifted, and which found its vent in many a love-taught lyric, or
+touching ballad, or spirit-stirring song, whose theme was national
+glory. To him the bygone days of his country's history were dear, made
+more familiar by many an antique relic which hung around his own room
+in his father's house. Celt and sword, and spear-head of Phoenician
+bronze, and golden gorget, and silver bodkin, and ancient harp, and
+studded crosier, were there; and these time-worn evidences of arts, and
+arms, and letters flattered the affection with which he looked back on
+the ancient history of Ireland, and kept alive the ardent love of his
+country with which he glowed--a love too deep, too pure, to be likely
+to expire, even without the aid of such poetic sources of excitement.
+To him the names of Fitzgerald, and Desmond, and Tyrone, were dear; and
+there was no romantic legend of the humbler outlaws with which he was
+not familiar: and "Charley of the Horses," and "Ned of the Hill," but
+headed the list of names he loved to recall; and the daring deeds of
+bold spirits who held the hill-side for liberty, were often given in
+words of poetic fire from the lips of Edward O'Connor.
+
+And yet Edward O'Connor went to see the badger-fight.
+
+There is something inherent in man's nature, urging him to familiarise
+himself with cruelty: and, perhaps, without such a power of witnessing
+savage deeds, he would be unequal to the dominion for which he was
+designed. Men of the highest order of intellect the world has known
+have loved the chase. How admirably Scott displays this tendency of
+noble minds, in the meeting of Ellen with her father, when Douglas
+says--
+
+    "The chase I followed far;
+    'T is mimicry of noble war."
+
+And the effect of this touch of character is heightened by Douglas in a
+subsequent scene--Douglas, who could enjoy the sport which ends in
+death, bending over his gentle child, and dropping tears of the
+tenderest affection--tears which
+
+    "Would not stain an angel's cheek."
+
+Superadded to this natural tendency, Edward O'Connor had an additional
+motive. He lived amongst a society of sporting men, less cultivated
+than he was, whose self-esteem would have easily ignited the spark of
+jealousy if he had seemed to scorn the things which made their
+principal enjoyment, and formed the chief occupation of their lives;
+and his good sense and good heart (and there is an intimate connection
+between them) pointed out to him that, wherever your lot is cast, duty
+to yourself and others suggests the propriety of adapting your conduct
+to the circumstances in which you are placed (so long as morality and
+decency are not violated), and that the manifestation of one's own
+superiority may render the purchase too dear, by being bought at the
+terrible price of our neighbour's dislike. He, therefore, did not tell
+everybody he wrote verses: he kept the gift as secret as he could. If
+an error, however gross, on any subject, were made in his presence, he
+never took willing notice of it; or if circumstances obliged him to
+touch upon it, it was always done with a politeness and tact that
+afforded the blunderer the means of retreat. If some gross historical
+error, for instance, happened to be committed in a conversation _with
+himself_ (and then only), he would set the mistake right, as a matter
+of conscience, but he would do so by saying there was a great
+similarity between the event spoken of and some other event. "I know
+what you are thinking of," he would say, "but you make a slight mistake
+in the dates; the two stories are very similar, and likely to mislead
+one."
+
+But with all this modest reserve, did the least among his companions
+think him the less clever? No. It was shrewdly suspected he was a poet;
+it was well known he was highly educated and accomplished; and yet
+Edward O'Connor was a universal favourite, bore the character of being
+a "real fine fellow," and was loved and respected by the most
+illiterate of the young men of the country; who, in allusion to his
+extensive lore on the subject of the legendary heroes of the _romantic_
+history of Ireland, his own Christian name, and his immediate place of
+residence, which was near a wild mountain pass, christened him "Ned of
+the Hill."
+
+His appearance amidst the crowd assembled to witness the rude sport was
+hailed with pleasure--varying from the humble but affectionate respect
+of the peasant, who cried "Long life to you, Misther O'Connor," to the
+hearty burst of equality, which welcomed him as "Ned of the Hill."
+
+The fortune of the fight favoured the badger, who proved himself a
+trump; and Murphy appreciated his worth so highly that, when the battle
+was over, he would not quit the ground until he became his owner, at a
+high price to the horse-dealer. His next move was to _insist_ on Edward
+O'Connor dining with him; and Edward, after many excuses to avoid the
+party he foresaw would be a drinking bout--of which he had a special
+horror, notwithstanding all his toleration--yielded to the entreaties
+of Murphy, and consented to be his guest, just as Tim the waiter ran
+up, steaming from every pore, to announce that the dinner was "ready to
+be sarved."
+
+"Then sarve it, sir," said Murphy, "and sarve it right."
+
+Off cantered Tim, steaming and snorting like a locomotive engine, and
+the party followed to the inn, where a long procession of dish-bearers
+was ascending the stairs to the big room, as Murphy and his friends
+entered.
+
+The dinner it is needless to describe. One dinner is the same as
+another in the most essential points, namely, to satisfy hunger and
+slake consequent thirst; and whether beef and cabbage, and heavy wet,
+are to conquer the dragon of appetite, or your stomach is to sustain
+the more elaborate attack fired from the _batterie de cuisine_ of a
+finished _artiste_, and moistened with champagne, the difference is
+only of degree in the fashion of the thing and the tickling of the
+palate: hunger is as thoroughly satisfied with the one as the other;
+and headaches as well manufactured out of the beautiful, bright, and
+taper glasses which bear the foam of France to the lip, as from the
+coarse, flat-bottomed tumblers of an inn that reek with punch. At the
+dinner there was the same tender solicitude on the part of the carvers
+as to "Where would you like it?" and the same carelessness on the part
+of those whom they questioned, who declared they had no choice, "but if
+there _was_ a little bit near the shank," &c., or "if there was a liver
+wing to _spare_." By the way, some carvers there are who push an
+aspirant's patience too far. I have seen some who, after giving away
+both wings, and all the breast, two sidebones, and the short legs, meet
+the eager look of the fifth man on their left with a smile, and ask
+him, with an effrontery worthy of the Old Bailey, "Has he any choice?"
+and, at the same time, toss a drum-stick on the destined plate, or
+boldly attempt to divert his melancholy with a merry-thought. All this,
+and more, was there at Murtough Murphy's dinner, long memorable in the
+country from a frolic that wound up the evening, which soon began to
+warm, after the cloth was removed, into the sort of a thing commonly
+known by the name of a jollification. But before the dinner was over,
+poor M'Garry was nearly pickled: Jack Horan, having determined to make
+him drunk, arranged a system of attack on M'Garry's sobriety which bade
+defiance to his prudence to withstand. It was agreed that every one
+should ask the apothecary to take wine; and he, poor innocent man! when
+gentlemen whom he had never had the honour to meet at dinner before
+addressed him with a winning smile, and said, "Mr. M'Garry, will you do
+me the _honour_?" could not do less than fill his glass every time;
+so that, to use Jack Horan's own phrase, the apothecary was "sewed up"
+before he had any suspicion of the fact; and, unused to the indications
+of approaching vinous excitement, he supposed it was the delightful
+society made him so hilarious, and he began to launch forth after
+dinner in a manner quite at variance with the reserve he usually
+maintained in the presence of his superiors, and talked largely. Now,
+M'Garry's principal failing was to make himself appear very learned in
+his profession; and every new discovery in chemistry, operation in
+surgery, or scientific experiment he heard of, he was prone to shove
+in, head and shoulders, in his soberest moments; but now that he was
+half-drunk, he launched forth on the subject of galvanism, having read
+of some recent wonderful effects produced on the body of a recent
+murderer who was hanged and given over to the College of Surgeons in
+Dublin. To impress the company still more with a sense of his learning,
+he addressed Growling on the subject, and the doctor played him off to
+advantage.
+
+"Don't you think it very wonderful, doctor?" inquired M'Garry, speaking
+somewhat thickly.
+
+"Very," answered the doctor, drily.
+
+"They say, sir, the man--that is, the subject--when under the influence
+of the battery, absolutely twiddled his left foot, and raised his right
+arm."
+
+"And raised it to some purpose, too," said the doctor; "for he raised a
+contusion on the Surgeon-General's eye, having hit him over the same."
+
+"Dear me!--I did not hear that."
+
+"It is true, however," said the doctor; "and that gives you an idea of
+the power of the galvanic influence, for you know the Surgeon-General
+is a powerful man, and yet he could not hold him down."
+
+"Wonderful!" hiccupped M'Garry.
+
+"But that's nothing to what happened in London," continued the doctor.
+"They experimented there the other day with a battery of such power,
+that the man who was hanged absolutely jumped up, seized a scalpel from
+the table, and making a rush on the assembled Faculty of London,
+cleared the theatre in less than no time; dashed into the hall; stabbed
+the porter who attempted to stop him; made a chevy down the south side
+of Leicester Square; and as he reached the corner, a woman, who was
+carrying tracts published by the Society for the Suppression of Vice,
+shrieked at beholding a man in so startling a condition, and fainted;
+he, with a presence of mind perfectly admirable, whipped the cloak from
+her back, and threw it round him, and scudding through the tortuous
+alleys which abound in that neighbourhood, made his way to the house
+where the learned Society of Noviomagians hold their convivial
+meetings, and, telling the landlord that he was invited there to dinner
+as a curiosity, he gained admittance, and, it is supposed, took his
+opportunity for escaping, for he has not since been heard of."
+
+"Good Heaven!" gasped M'Garry; "and do you believe that, doctor?"
+
+"Most firmly, sir! My belief is, that galvanism is, in fact, the
+original principle of vitality."
+
+"Should we not rejoice, doctor," cried M'Garry, "at this triumph of
+science?"
+
+"I don't think you should, Mister M'Garry," said the doctor, gravely;
+"for it would utterly destroy _your_ branch of the profession:
+pharmacopolists, instead of compounding medicine, must compound with
+their creditors; they are utterly ruined. Mercury is no longer in the
+ascendent; all doctors have to do now is to carry a small battery about
+them, a sort of galvanic pocket-pistol, I may say, and restore the
+vital principle by its application."
+
+"You are not serious, doctor?" said M'Garry, becoming _very_ serious,
+with that wise look so peculiar to drunken men.
+
+"Never more serious in my life, sir."
+
+"That would be dreadful!" said M'Garry.
+
+"_Shocking_, you mean," said the doctor.
+
+"Leave off your confounded scientifics, there," shouted Murphy from the
+head of the table, "and let us have a song."
+
+"I can't sing, indeed, Mister Murphy," said M'Garry, who became more
+intoxicated every moment; for he continued to drink, having overstepped
+the boundary which custom had prescribed to him.
+
+"I didn't ask you, man," said Murphy; "but my darling fellow, Ned here,
+will gladden our hearts and ears with a stave."
+
+"Bravo!" was shouted round the table, trembling under the "thunders of
+applause" with which heavy hands made it ring again; and "Ned of the
+Hill!" "Ned of the Hill!" was vociferated with many a hearty cheer
+about the board that might indeed be called "festive."
+
+"Well," said O'Connor, "since you call upon me in the name of Ned of
+the Hill, I'll give you a song under that very title. Here's Ned of the
+Hill's own shout;" and in a rich, manly voice he sang, with the fire of
+a bard, these lines:--
+
+    THE SHOUT OF NED OF THE HILL.[2]
+
+    I
+
+    The hill! the hill! with its sparkling rill,
+      And its dawning air so light and pure,
+    Where the morning's eye scorns the mist, that lie
+      On the drowsy valley and the moor.
+    Here, with the eagle, I rise betimes;
+      Here, with the eagle, my state I keep;
+    The first we see of the morning sun,
+      And his last as he sets o'er the deep,
+    And there, while strife is rife below,
+      Here from the tyrant I am free:
+    Let shepherd slaves the valley praise,
+      But the hill! the hill for me!
+
+      [2] The songs in this work are published by Duff and Hodgson, 65,
+      Oxford Street.
+
+    II
+
+    The baron below in his castle dwells,
+      And his garden boasts the costly rose;
+    But mine is the keep of the mountain steep,
+      Where the matchless wild flower freely blows.
+    Let him fold his sheep, and his harvest reap--
+      I look down from my mountain throne;
+    And I choose and pick of the flock and the rick,
+      And what is his I can make my own.
+    Let the valley grow in its wealth below,
+      And the lord keep his high degree;
+    But higher am I in my liberty--
+      The hill! the hill for me!
+
+O'Connor's song was greeted with what the music-publishers are pleased
+to designate, on their title-pages, "distinguished applause;" and his
+"health and song" were filled to and drank with enthusiasm.
+
+"Whose lines are those?" asked the doctor.
+
+"I don't know," said O'Connor.
+
+"That's as much as to say they are your own," said Growling. "Ned,
+don't be too modest--it is the worst fault a man can have who wants to
+get on in this world."
+
+"The call is with you, Ned," shouted Murphy from the head of the table;
+"knock some one down for a song."
+
+"Mr. Reddy, I hope, will favour us," said Edward, with a courteous
+inclination of his head towards the gentleman he named, who returned a
+very low bow, with many protestations that he would "do his best," &c.:
+"but after Mr. O'Connor, really,"--and this was said with a certain
+self-complacent smile, indicative of his being on very good terms with
+himself. Now, James Reddy wrote rhymes--bless the mark!--and was
+tolerably well convinced that, except Tom Moore (if he _did_ except
+even him), there was not a man in the British dominions his equal at a
+lyric. He sang, too, with a kill-me-quite air, as if no lady could
+resist his strains; and to "give effect," as he called it, he began
+every stanza as loud as he could, and finished it in a gentle
+murmur--tailed it off very taper, indeed; in short, it seemed as if a
+shout had been suddenly smitten with consumption, and died in a
+whisper. And this, his style, he never varied, whatever the nature or
+expression of the song might be, or the sense to be expressed; but as
+he very often sang his own, there were seldom any to consider. This
+rubbish he had set to music by the country music-master, who believed
+himself to be a better composer than Sir John Stevenson, to whom the
+prejudices of the world gave the palm; and he eagerly caught at the
+opportunity which the verses and vanity of Reddy afforded him, of
+stringing his crotchets and quavers on the same hank with the abortive
+fruits of Reddy's muse, and the wretched productions hung worthily
+together.
+
+Reddy, with the proper quantity of "hems and haws," and rubbing down
+his upper lip and chin with his forefinger and thumb, cleared his
+throat, tossed his nose into the air, and said he was going to give
+them "a little _classic_ thing."
+
+"Just look at the puppy!" snarled out old Growling to his neighbour:
+"he's going to measure us out some yards of his own fustian, I'm
+sure--he looks so pleased."
+
+Reddy gave his last "a-hem!" and sang what he called
+
+    THE LAMENT OF ARIADNE
+
+    The graceful Greek, with gem-bright hair,
+    Her garments rent, and rent the air;
+
+"What a tearing rage she was in!" said old Growling in an under-tone.
+
+        With sobs and sighs
+        And tearful eyes,
+    Like fountain fair of Helicon!
+
+"Oh, thunder and lightning!" growled the doctor, who pulled a letter
+out of his pocket, and began to scribble on the blank portions of it,
+with the stump of a blunt pencil, which he very audibly sucked, to
+enable it to make a mark.
+
+    For ah, her lover false was gone!
+        The fickle brave,
+        And fickle wave,
+
+"And pickled cabbage," said the doctor.
+
+    Combined to cheat the fickle fair.
+        O fickle! fickle! fickle!
+    But the brave should be true,
+    And the fair ones too--
+    True, true,
+    As the ocean's blue!
+    And Ariadne had not been,
+    Deserted there, like beauty's queen.
+    Oh, Adriadne!--adne!--adne!
+
+"Beautiful!" said the doctor, with an approving nod at Reddy, who
+continued his song, while the doctor continued to write.
+
+    The sea-nymphs round the sea-girt shore
+        Mocked the maiden's sighs;
+    And the ocean's savage roar
+        Replies--
+    Replies--replies--replies, replies, replies.
+
+    (_After the manner of_ "Tell me where is fancy bred.")
+
+"Very original!" said the doctor.
+
+        With willow wand
+        Upon the strand.
+    She wrote, with trembling heart and hand,
+        "The brave should ne'er
+        Desert the fair."
+    But the wave the moral washed away,
+        Ah, well-a-day! well-a-day!
+        A-day!--a-day!--a-day!
+
+Reddy smiled and bowed, and thunders of applause followed; the doctor
+shouted "Splendid!" several times, and continued to write and take
+snuff voraciously, by which those who knew him could comprehend he was
+bent on mischief.
+
+"What a beautiful thing that is!" said one.
+
+"Whose is it?" said another.
+
+"A little thing of my own," answered Reddy, with a smile.
+
+"I thought so," said Murphy. "By Jove, James, you _are_ a genius!"
+
+"Nonsense!" smiled the poet; "just a little classic trifle--I think
+_them_ little classic allusions is pleasing in general--Tommy Moore is
+very happy in his classic allusions, you may remark--not that I, of
+course, mean to institute a comparison between so humble an individual
+as myself and Tommy Moore, who has so well been called 'the poet of all
+circles, and the idol of his own;' and if you will permit me, in a
+kindred spirit--I hope I _may_ say the kindred spirit of a song--in
+that kindred spirit I propose _his_ health--the health of Tommy Moore!"
+
+"Don't say _Tommy_!" said the doctor, in an irascible tone; "call the
+man Tom, sir;--with all my heart, Tom Moore!"
+
+The table took the word from Jack Growling, and "Tom Moore," with all
+the honours of "hip and hurra!" rang round the walls of the village
+inn--and where is the village in Ireland _that_ health has not been
+hailed with the fiery enthusiasm of the land whose lays he hath "wedded
+to immortal verse,"--the land which is proud of his birth, and holds
+his name in honour?
+
+There is a magic in a great name; and in this instance that of Tom
+Moore turned the current from where it was setting, and instead of
+quizzing the nonsense of the fool who had excited their mirth, every
+one launched forth in praise of their native bard, and couplets from
+his favourite songs rang from lip to lip.
+
+"Come, Ned of the Hill," said Murphy, "sing us one of _his_ songs,--I
+know you have them all as pat as your prayers."
+
+"And says them oftener," said the doctor, who still continued
+scribbling over the letter.
+
+Edward, at the urgent request of many, sang that most exquisite of the
+melodies, "And doth not a meeting like this make amends?" and long rang
+the plaudits, and rapidly circulated the bottle, at its conclusion.
+
+"We'll be the 'Alps in the sunset,' my boys," said Murphy; "and here's
+the wine to enlighten us! But what are _you_ about there, doctor?--is
+it a prescription you are writing?"
+
+"No. Prescriptions are written in Latin, and this is a bit of Greek I'm
+doing. Mr. Reddy has inspired me with a classic spirit, and if you will
+permit me, I'll volunteer a song [_bravo! bravo!_], and give you
+another version of the subject he has so beautifully treated--only mine
+is not so heart-breaking."
+
+The doctor's proposition was received with cheers, and after he had
+gone through the mockery of clearing his throat, and pitching his voice
+after the usual manner of your would-be fine singers, he gave out, to
+the tune of a well-known rollicking Irish lilt, the following burlesque
+version of the subject of Reddy's song:--
+
+
+    LOVE AND LIQUOR
+
+    _A Greek Allegory_
+
+    I
+
+          Oh sure 't would amaze yiz
+          How one Misther Theseus
+    Desarted a lovely young lady of owld.
+          On a dissolute island,
+          All lonely and silent,
+    She sobbed herself sick as she sat in the cowld.
+          Oh, you'd think she was kilt,
+          As she roar'd with the quilt
+    Wrapp'd round her in haste as she jumped out of bed,
+          And ran down to the coast,
+          Where she looked like a ghost,
+    Though 't was _he_ was departed--the vagabone fled
+          And she cried, "Well-a-day!
+          Sure my heart it is grey:
+    They're deceivers, them sojers, that goes on half-pay."
+
+    II
+
+          Whilst abusing the villain,
+          Came riding postilion
+    A nate little boy on the back of a baste,
+          Big enough, faith, to ate him,
+          But he lather'd and bate him,
+    And the baste to unsate him ne'er struggled the laste,
+          And an iligant car
+          He was dhrawing--by gar!
+    It was finer by far than a Lord Mayor's state coach,
+          And the chap that was in it
+          He sang like a linnet,
+    With a nate kag of whisky beside him to broach.
+          And he tipped now and then
+          Just a matter o' ten
+    Or twelve tumblers o' punch to his bold sarving-men.
+
+    III
+
+          They were dress'd in green livery,
+          But seem'd rather shivery,
+    For 't was only a trifle o' leaves that they wore;
+          But they caper'd away
+          Like the sweeps on May-day,
+    And shouted and tippled the tumblers galore.
+          A print of their masther
+          Is often in plasther
+    O' Paris, put over the door of a tap;
+          A fine chubby fellow,
+          Ripe, rosy, and mellow,
+    Like a peach that is ready to drop in your lap.
+          Hurrah! for brave Bacchus,
+          A bottle to crack us,
+    He's a friend of the people, like bowld Caius Gracchus.
+
+    IV
+
+          Now Bacchus perceiving
+          The lady was grieving,
+    He spoke to her civil, and tipp'd her a wink;
+          And the more that she fretted,
+          He soother'd and petted,
+    And gave her a glass her own health just to dhrink;
+          Her pulse it beat quicker,
+          The thrifle o' liquor
+    Enliven'd her sinking heart's cockles, I think;
+          So the MORAL is plain,
+          That if love gives you pain,
+    _There's nothing can cure it like taking to dhrink!_
+
+Uproarious were the "bravos" which followed the doctor's impromptu; the
+glasses overflowed, and were emptied to his health and song, as
+laughing faces nodded to him round the table. The doctor sat seriously
+rocking himself in his chair backwards and forwards, to meet the
+various duckings of the beaming faces about him; for every face beamed,
+but one--and that was the unfortunate M'Garry's. He was most deplorably
+drunk, and began to hold on by the table. At last he contrived to shove
+back his chair and get on his legs; and making a sloping stagger
+towards the wall, contrived by its support to scramble his way to the
+door. There he balanced himself as well as he could by the handle of
+the lock, which chance, rather than design, enabled him to turn, and
+the door suddenly opening, poor M'Garry made a rush across the
+landing-place, and, stumbling against an opposite door, would have
+fallen, had he not supported himself by the lock of that also, which,
+again yielding to his heavy tugs, opened, and the miserable wretch
+making another plunge forward, his shins came in contact with the rail
+of a very low bed, and into it he fell head foremost, totally unable to
+rise, and, after some heavy grunts, he sank into a profound sleep.
+
+In this state he was discovered soon after by Murphy, whose inventive
+faculty for frolic instantly suggested how the apothecary's mishap
+might be made the foundation of a good practical joke. Murtough went
+down-stairs, and procuring some blacking and red pickled cabbage by
+stealth, returned to the chamber where M'Garry now lay in a state of
+stupor, and dragging off his clothes, he made long dabs across his back
+with the purple juice of the pickle and Warren's paste, till poor
+M'Garry was as regularly striped as a tiger, from his shoulder to his
+flank. He then returned to the dinner-room, where the drinking bout had
+assumed a formidable character, and others, as well as the apothecary,
+began to feel the influence of their potations. Murphy confided to the
+doctor what he had done, and said that, when the men were drunk enough,
+he would contrive that M'Garry should be discovered, and then they
+would take their measures accordingly. It was not very long before his
+company were ripe enough for his designs, and then ringing the bell, he
+demanded of the waiter, when he entered, what had become of Mr.
+M'Garry. The waiter, not having any knowledge on the subject, was
+desired to inquire, and, a search being instituted, M'Garry was
+discovered by Mrs. Fay in the state Murphy had left him in. On seeing
+him, she was so terrified that she screamed, and ran into the
+dinner-room, wringing her hands, and shouting "Murder." A great
+commotion ensued, and a general rush to the bedroom took place, and
+exclamations of wonder and horror flew round the room, not only from
+the gentlemen of the dinner-party, but from the servants of the house,
+who crowded to the chamber on the first alarm, and helped not a little
+to increase the confusion.
+
+"Oh! who ever see the like of it!" shouted Mrs. Fay. "He's kilt with
+the batin' he got! Oh, look at him--black and blue all over! Oh, the
+murther it is! Oh, I wouldn't be Squire O'Grady for all his fort'n."
+
+"Gad, I believe he's killed sure enough," said Murphy.
+
+"What a splendid action the widow will have!" said Jack Horan.
+
+"You forget, man," said Murphy, "this is not a case for action of
+damages, but a felony--hanging matter."
+
+"Sure enough," said Jack.
+
+"Doctor, will you feel his pulse?" said Murphy.
+
+The doctor did as he was required, and assumed a very serious
+countenance. "'T is a bad business, sir--his wounds are mortifying
+already."
+
+Upon this announcement, there was a general retreat from the bed, round
+which they had been crowding too close for the carrying on of the joke;
+and Mrs. Fay ran for a shovel of hot cinders, and poured vinegar over
+them, to fumigate the room.
+
+"A very proper precaution, Mrs. Fay," said the doctor, with
+imperturbable gravity.
+
+"That villainous smoke is choking me," said Jack Horan.
+
+"Better that, sir, than have a pestilence in the house," said Growling.
+
+"I'll leave the place," said Jack Horan.
+
+"And I, too," said Doyle.
+
+"And I," said Reddy; "'t is disgusting to a sensitive mind."
+
+"Gentlemen!" said Murphy, shutting the door, "you must not quit the
+house. I must have an inquest on the body."
+
+"An inquest!" they all exclaimed.
+
+"Yes--an inquest."
+
+"But there's no coroner here," said Reddy.
+
+"No matter for that," said Murphy. "I, as the under-sheriff of the
+county, can preside at this inquiry. Gentlemen, take your places; bring
+in more lights, Mrs. Fay. Stand round the bed, gentlemen."
+
+"Not too close," said the doctor. "Mrs. Fay, bring more vinegar."
+
+Mrs. Fay had additional candles and more vinegar introduced, and the
+drunken fellows were standing as straight as they could, each with a
+candle in his hand, round the still prostrate M'Garry.
+
+Murphy then opened on them with a speech, and called in every one in
+the house to ask did they know anything about the matter; and it was
+not long before it was spread all over the town, that Squire O'Grady
+had killed M'Garry, and that the coroner's inquest brought in a verdict
+of murder, and that the squire was going to be sent to jail.
+
+This almost incredible humbug of Murphy's had gone on for nearly half
+an hour, when the cold arising from his want of clothes, and the riot
+about him, and the fumes of the vinegar, roused M'Garry, who turned on
+the bed and opened his eyes. There he saw a parcel of people standing
+round him, with candles in their hands, and countenances of drunken
+wonder and horror.
+
+He uttered a hollow groan, and cried--
+
+"Save us and keep us! where am I?"
+
+"Retire, gentlemen," said the doctor, waving his hand authoritatively;
+"retire--all but the under-sheriff."
+
+Murphy cleared the room, and shut the door, while M'Garry still kept
+exclaiming, "Save us and keep us! where am I? What's this? O Lord!"
+
+"You're dead!" said Murphy; "and the coroner's inquest has just sat on
+you!"
+
+[Illustration: An Irish Inquest]
+
+"Dead!" cried M'Garry, with a horrified stare.
+
+"Dead!" repeated the doctor, solemnly.
+
+"Are _you_ not Doctor Growling?"
+
+"You see the effect, Mr. Murphy," said the doctor, not noticing
+M'Garry's question--"you see the effect of the process."
+
+"Wonderful!" said Murphy.
+
+"Preserve us!" cried the bewildered apothecary. "How could I know you
+if I was dead, doctor? Oh, doctor dear, sure I'm not dead?"
+
+"As a herring," said the doctor.
+
+"Lord have mercy on me! Oh, Mr. Murphy, sure I'm not dead?"
+
+"You're dead, sir," said Murphy; "the doctor has only galvanised you
+for a few moments."
+
+"O Lord!" groaned M'Garry. "Doctor--indeed, doctor?"
+
+"You are in a state of temporary animation," said the doctor.
+
+"I do feel very odd, indeed," said the terrified man, putting his hands
+to his throbbing temples. "How long am I dead?"
+
+"A week next Tuesday," said the doctor. "Galvanism has preserved you
+from decomposition."
+
+M'Garry uttered a heavy groan, and looked up piteously at his two
+tormentors. Murphy, fearful the shock might drive him out of his mind,
+said, "Perhaps, doctor, you can preserve his life altogether: you have
+kept him alive so long?"
+
+"I'll try," said Growling; "hand me that tumbler."
+
+Murphy handed him a tumbler full of water, and the doctor gave it to
+M'Garry, and desired him to try and drink it; he put it to his lips and
+swallowed a little drop.
+
+"Can you taste it?" asked the doctor.
+
+"Isn't it water?" said M'Garry.
+
+"You see how dull the nerves are yet," said Growling to Murphy; "that's
+aquafortis and assafoetida, and he can't taste it; we must give him
+another touch of the battery. Hold him up, while I go into the next
+room, and immerse the plates."
+
+The doctor left the bed-room, and came back with a hot poker and some
+lemon-juice and water.
+
+"Turn him gently round," said he to Murphy, "while I conduct the
+wires."
+
+His order was obeyed; and giving M'Garry a touch of the hot poker, the
+apothecary roared like a bull.
+
+"That did him good!" said Growling. "Now try, can you taste anything?"
+and he gave him the lemon-juice and water.
+
+"I taste a slight acid, doctor dear," said M'Garry, hopefully.
+
+"You see what that last touch did," said Growling gravely; "but the
+palate is still feeble; that's nearly pure nitric."
+
+"Oh, dear!" said M'Garry, "is it nitric?"
+
+"You see his hearing is coming back too," said the doctor to Murphy.
+"Try, can he put his legs under him?"
+
+They raised the apothecary from the bed; and when he staggered and
+fell forward, he looked horrified. "Oh, dear! I can't walk. I'm afraid
+I am--I am no more!"
+
+"Don't despair," said the doctor; "I pledge my professional reputation
+to save you now, since you can stand at all, and your senses are partly
+restored. Let him lie down again; try, could he sleep----"
+
+"Sleep!" said M'Garry, with horror; "perhaps never to awaken!"
+
+"I'll keep up the galvanic influence--don't be afraid; depend upon
+me--there, lie down. Can you shut your eyes? Yes, I see you can:
+don't open them so fast. Try, can you keep them shut? Don't open them
+till I tell you--wait till I count two hundred and fifty. That's
+right--turn a little more round--keep your eyes fast; that's it.
+One--two--three--four--five--six--seven;" and so he went on, making a
+longer interval between every number, till the monotonous sound, and
+the closed eye of the helplessly drunken man, produced the effect
+desired by the doctor; and the heavy snoring of the apothecary soon
+bore witness that he slept.
+
+We hope it is not necessary to assure our fair readers that Edward
+O'Connor had nothing to do with this scene of drunken absurdity. No:
+long before the evening's proceedings had assumed the character of a
+regular drinking bout, he had contrived to make his escape, his head
+only sufficiently excited to increase his sentimentality; so, instead
+of riding home direct, he took a round of some eight miles, to have a
+look at Merryvale, for there dwelt Fanny Dawson--the Darling Fanny
+Dawson, sister to Dick, whose devilry was more than redeemed in the
+family by the angelic sweetness of his lovely and sportive sister. For
+the present, however, poor Edward O'Connor was not allowed to address
+Fanny; but his love for her knew no abatement notwithstanding; and to
+see the place where she dwelt had for him a charm. There he sat in his
+saddle, at the gate, looking up the long line of old trees through
+which the cool moonlight was streaming; and he fancied that Fanny's
+foot had trodden that avenue perhaps a few hours before, and even
+_that_ gave him pleasure: for to those who love with the fond
+enthusiasm of Edward O'Connor, the very vacancy where the loved one has
+been is sacred.
+
+The horse pawed impatiently to be gone, and Edward reined him up with a
+chiding voice; but the animal continuing restless, Edward's apostrophes
+to his mistress, and warnings to his horse, made an odd mixture; and
+we would recommend gentlemen, after their second bottle, not to let
+themselves be overheard in their love-fits; for even as fine a fellow
+as Edward O'Connor is likely to be ridiculous under such circumstances.
+
+"Oh, Fanny!" cried Edward, "my adored Fanny!"--then to his horse, "_Be
+quiet, you brute!_--My love, my angel;--_you devil, I'll thrash you, if
+you don't be quiet!_--though separated from me, you are always present
+to mind; your bright eyes, your raven locks--_your mouth's as hard as a
+paving-stone, you brute!_--Oh, Fanny! if fate be ever propitious--should
+I be blessed with the divine possession of your charms, you should then
+know--_what a devil you are!_--you should then know the tenderest care.
+I'll guard you, caress you, fondle you--_I'll bury my spurs in you, you
+devil!_--Oh, Fanny! beloved one!--farewell--good night--a thousand
+blessings on you!--_and now go and be hanged to you!_" said he,
+bitterly, putting his spurs to his horse and galloping home.
+
+                    *      *      *      *      *
+
+When the doctor was satisfied that M'Garry was fast asleep, he and
+Murphy left the room, and locked the door. They were encountered on the
+lobby by several curious people, who wanted to know, "was the man
+dead?" The doctor shook his head very gravely, and said "Not quite;"
+while Murphy, with a serious nod, said "All over, I'm afraid, Mrs.
+Fay;" for he perceived among the persons on the lobby a servant of
+O'Grady's, who chanced to be in the town, and was all wonder and fright
+at the news of his master having committed murder. Murphy and the
+doctor proceeded to the dinner-room, where they found the drunken men
+wrangling about what verdict they should bring in, and a discursive
+dispute touching on "murder," and "manslaughter," and "accidental
+death," and "the visitation of God," mingled with noisy toasts and
+flowing cups, until any sagacity the company ever possessed was
+sacrificed to the rosy god.
+
+The lateness of the hour, and the state of the company, rendered riding
+home impossible to most of them; so Mrs. Fay was called upon to prepare
+beds. The inn did not afford a sufficiency of beds to accommodate every
+gentleman with a single one, so a toss-up was resorted to, to decide
+who should sleep double. The fortune of war cast the unfortunate James
+Reddy upon the doctor, who, though one of the few who were capable of
+self-protection, preferred remaining at the inn to riding home some
+miles. Now James Reddy, though very drunk indeed, had sense enough left
+to dislike the lot that fate had cast him. To sleep with such a
+slovenly man as the doctor shocked James, who was a bit of a dandy. The
+doctor seemed perfectly contented with the arrangement; and as he bade
+Murphy "good night," a lurking devilment hung about his huge mouth. All
+the men staggered off, or were supported, to their various beds, but
+one--and he could not stir from the floor, where he lay hugging the leg
+of the table. To every effort to disturb him he replied with an
+imploring grunt, to "let him alone," and he hugged the leg of the table
+closer, exclaiming, "I won't leave you, Mrs. Fay!--my darling Mrs. Fay!
+rowl your arms round me, Mrs. Fay!"
+
+"Ah, get up and go to bed, Misther Doyle," said Tim. "Sure the
+misthress is not here at all."
+
+"I know she's not," said Doyle. "Who says a word against her?"
+
+"Sure you're talkin' to her yourself, sir."
+
+"Pooh, pooh, man!--you're dhrunk."
+
+"Ah, come to bed, Misther Doyle!" said Tim, in an imploring tone. "Och
+sure, my heart's broken with you."
+
+"Don't say your heart's broke, my sweet landlady--my darling Mrs. Fay!
+the apple of my eye you are."
+
+"Nonsense, Misther Doyle."
+
+"True as the sun, moon, and stars. Apple of my eye, did I say?--I'd
+give the apples of my eyes to make sauce for the cockles of your heart.
+Mrs. Fay, darling, don't be coy. Ha! I have you fast!" and he gripped
+the table closer.
+
+"Well, you _are_ dhrunk, Misther Doyle," said Tim.
+
+"I hope my breath is not offensive from drink, Mrs. Fay," said Doyle,
+in an amatory whisper to the leg of the table.
+
+"Ah, get out o' that, Misther Doyle," said Tim; accompanying the
+exclamation with a good shake, which somewhat roused the prostrate
+form.
+
+"Who's there?"
+
+"I want you to come to bed, sir;--eh, don't be so foolish, Misther
+Doyle. Sure you don't think the misthress would be rowlin' on the flure
+there wid you, as dhrunk as a pig----"
+
+"Dare not wound her fame! Who says a word of Mrs. Fay?"
+
+"Arrah, sure you're talkin' there about her this half-hour."
+
+"False villain!--Whisht, my darling," said he to the leg of the table;
+"I'll never betray you. Hug me tight, Mrs. Fay!"
+
+"Bad luck to the care I'll take any more about you," say Tim. "Sleep on
+the flure, if you like." And Doyle was left to pass the night in the
+soft imaginary delights of Mrs. Fay's mahogany embraces.
+
+How fared it with James Reddy? Alas! poor James was doomed to a night
+of torment, the effects of which he remembered for many days after. In
+fact, had James been left to his choice, he would rather have slept
+with the house-dog than with the doctor; but he dreaded the
+consequences of letting old Jack perceive his antipathy; and visions of
+future chastisement from the doctor's satirical tongue awed him into
+submission to the present punishment. He sneaked into bed, therefore,
+and his deep potations ensured him immediate sleep, from which he
+awoke, however, in the middle of the night in torture, from the deep
+scratches inflicted upon him by every kick of old Growling. At last
+poor Reddy could stand it no longer, and the earliest hour of dawn
+revealed him to the doctor putting on his clothes, swearing like a
+trooper at one moment, and at the next apostrophising the genius of
+gentility. "What it is to have to do with a person that is not a
+gentleman!" he exclaimed, as he pulled on one leg of his trousers.
+
+"What is the matter with you?" asked old Jack from the bed.
+
+"The matter, sir, is, that I'm going."
+
+"Is it at this hour! Tut, man, don't be a fool. Get into bed again."
+
+"Never, sir, with _you_ at least. I have seldom slept two in a bed, Dr.
+Growling, for my gentlemanly habits forbid it; but when circumstances
+have obliged me, it has been with gentlemen--_gentlemen_, doctor," and
+he laid a stress on the word--"gentlemen, sir, who cut their toe-nails.
+Sir, I am a serious sufferer by your coarse habits; you have scratched
+me, sir, nearly to death. I am one gore of blood----"
+
+"Tut, man! 't was not my nails scratched you; it was only my spurs I
+put on going to bed, to keep you at a distance from me; you were so
+disgustingly drunk, my _gentleman_!--look there!" and he poked his leg
+out of bed, and there, sure enough, Reddy saw a spur buckled: and,
+dumb-foundered at this evidence of the doctor's atrocity, he snatched
+up his clothes, and rushed from the room, as from the den of a bear.
+
+Murphy twisted a beneficial result to M'Garry out of the night's
+riotous frolic at his expense; for, in the morning, taking advantage of
+the report of the inquest which he knew must have reached Neck-or-Nothing
+Hall, he made a communication to O'Grady, so equivocally worded that the
+Squire fell into the trap. The note ran as follows:--
+
+    "Sir,--You must be aware that your act of yesterday has raised a
+    strong feeling in the country against you, and that so flagrant a
+    violation of the laws cannot fail to be visited with terrible severity
+    upon you: for, though your position in rank places you far above the
+    condition of the unfortunate man on whom you wreaked your vengeance,
+    you know, sir, that in the eye of the law you are equal, and the
+    shield of justice protects the peasant as well as the prince. Under
+    these circumstances, sir, considering the _awful consequences_ of
+    your ungoverned rage (which, I doubt not, now, you deplore), I would
+    suggest to you by a timely offer of compromise, in the shape of a
+    handsome sum of money--say two hundred pounds--to lull the storms
+    which must otherwise burst on your devoted head, and save your name
+    from dishonour. I anxiously await your answer, as proceedings must
+    instantly commence, and the law take its course, unless Mrs. M'Garry
+    can be pacified.
+
+    "I have the honour to be, Sir,
+
+    "Your most obedient Servant,
+
+    "Murtough Murphy.
+
+    "_To Gustavus Granby O'Grady, Esq.,
+    Neck-or-Nothing Hall._"
+
+O'Grady was thoroughly frightened; and strange as it may appear, did
+believe he could compromise for killing only a plebeian; and actually
+sent Murphy his note of hand for the sum demanded. Murtough posted off
+to M'Garry: he and his wife received him with shouts of indignation,
+and heaped reproaches on his head, for the trick he had played on the
+apothecary.
+
+"Oh! Misther Murphy--never look me in the face again!" said Mrs.
+M'Garry, who was ugly enough to make the request quite unnecessary; "to
+send my husband home to me a beast!"
+
+"Striped like a tiger!" said M'Garry.
+
+"Blacking and pickled cabbage, Misther Murphy!" said the wife. "Oh fie,
+sir!--I did not think you could be so low."
+
+"Galvanism!" said M'Garry, furiously. "My professional honour wounded!"
+
+"Whisht, whisht, man!" said Murphy; "there's a finer plaister than any
+in your shop for the cure of wounded honour. Look at that!"--and he
+handed him the note for two hundred: "there's galvanism for you!"
+
+"What _is_ this?" said M'Garry, in amazement.
+
+"The result of last night's inquest," said Murphy. "You have got your
+damages without a trial; so pocket your money, and be thankful."
+
+The two hundred pounds at once changed the aspect of affairs. M'Garry
+vowed eternal gratitude, with protestations that Murphy was the
+cleverest attorney alive, and ought to be chief justice. The wife was
+equally vociferous in her acknowledgments, until Murtough, who, when he
+entered the house, was near falling a sacrifice to the claws of the
+apothecary's wife, was obliged to rush from the premises to shun the
+more terrible consequences of her embraces.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+
+We have sat so long at our dinner, that we have almost lost sight of
+poor Andy, to whom we must now return. When he ran to his mother's
+cabin, to escape from the fangs of Dick Dawson, there was no one
+within: his mother being digging a few potatoes for supper from the
+little ridge behind her house, and Oonah Riley, her niece--an orphan
+girl who lived with her--being up to Squire Egan's to sell some eggs;
+for round the poorest cabins in Ireland you scarcely ever fail to see
+some ragged hens, whose eggs are never consumed by their proprietors,
+except, perhaps, on Easter Sunday, but sold to the neighbouring gentry
+at a trifling price.
+
+Andy cared not who was out, or who was in, provided he could only
+escape from Dick; so without asking any questions, he crawled under the
+wretched bed in the dark corner, where his mother and Oonah slept, and
+where the latter, through the blessed influence of health, youth, and
+an innocent heart, had brighter dreams than attended many a couch whose
+downy pillows and silken hangings would more than purchase the
+fee-simple of any cabin in Ireland. There Andy, in a state of utter
+exhaustion from his fears, his race, and his thrashing, soon fell
+asleep, and the terrors of Dick the Devil gave place to the blessing of
+the profoundest slumber.
+
+Quite unconscious of the presence of her darling Andy was the widow
+Rooney, as she returned from the potato ridge into her cabin; depositing
+a _skeough_ of the newly dug esculent at the door, and replacing the
+spade in its own corner of the cabin. At the same moment Oonah
+returned, after disposing of her eggs, and handed the three pence she
+had received for them to her aunt, who dropped them into the deep
+pocket of blue striped tick which hung at her side.
+
+"Take the pail, Oonah, _ma chree_, and run to the well for some wather
+to wash the pratees, while I get the pot ready for bilin' them; it
+wants scourin', for the pig was atin' his dinner out iv it, the
+craythur!"
+
+Off went Oonah with her pail, which she soon filled from the clear
+spring; and placing the vessel on her head, walked back to the cabin
+with that beautiful erect form, free step, and graceful swaying of the
+figure, so peculiar to the women of Ireland and the East, from their
+habit of carrying weights upon the head. The potatoes were soon washed;
+and as they got their last dash of water in the _skeough_, whose open
+wicker-work let the moisture drain from them, up came Larry Hogan, who,
+being what is called a "civil-spoken man," addressed Mrs. Rooney in the
+following agreeable manner:--
+
+"Them's purty pratees, Mrs. Rooney; God save you, ma'am!"
+
+"'Deed an' they are--thank you kindly, Mr. Hogan; God save you and
+yours too! And how would the woman that owns you be?"
+
+"Hearty, thank you."
+
+"Will you step in?"
+
+"No, I'm obleeged to you--I must be aff home wid me; but I'll just get
+a coal for my pipe, for it wint out on me awhile agone with the
+fright."
+
+"Well, I've heer'd quare things, Larry Hogan," said Oonah, laughing and
+showing her white teeth; "but I never heer'd so quare a thing as a pipe
+goin' out with the fright."
+
+"Oh, how sharp you are!--takin' one up afore they're down."
+
+"Not afore they're down, Larry; for you said it."
+
+"Well, if I was down, you were down _on_ me; so you are down too, you
+see. Ha, ha! And afther all now, Oonah, a pipe is like a Christian in
+many ways: sure it's made o' clay like a Christian, and has the spark
+o' life in it, and while the breath is in it the spark is alive; but
+when the breath is out of it the spark dies, and then it grows cowld
+like a Christian; and isn't it a pleasant companion like a Christian?"
+
+"Faix, some Christians isn't pleasant companions at all!" chimed in
+Mrs. Rooney, sententiously.
+
+"Well, but they ought to be," said Larry; "and isn't a pipe sometimes
+cracked like a Christian, and isn't it sometimes choked liked a
+Christian?"
+
+"Oh, choke you and your pipe together, Larry! will you never have
+done?" said the widow.
+
+"The most improvinist thing in the world is smokin'," said Larry, who
+had now relit his pipe, and squatted himself on a three-legged stool
+beside the widow's fire. "The most improvinist in the world"--(paugh!)--and
+a parenthetical whiff of tobacco-smoke curled out of the corner of
+Larry's mouth--"is smokin': for the smoke shows you, as it were, the
+life o' man passin' away like a puff--(paugh!)--just like that; and the
+tibakky turns to ashes like his poor perishable body; for, as the song
+says--
+
+          "'Tibakky is an Indian weed,
+          Alive at morn and dead at eve;
+          It lives but an hour,
+          Is cut down like a flower,
+    Think o' this when you're smoking tiba-akky!'"
+
+And Larry sung the ditty as he crammed some of the weed into the bowl
+of his pipe with his little finger.
+
+"Why, you're as good as a sarmint this evenin', Larry," said the widow,
+as she lifted the iron pot on the fire.
+
+"There's worse sarmints nor that, I can tell you," rejoined Larry, who
+took up the old song again--
+
+          "'A pipe it larns us all this thing--
+          'T is fair without and foul within,
+          Just like a sowl begrim'd with sin.
+    Think o' this when you're smoking tiba-akky!'"
+
+Larry puffed away silently for a few minutes, and when Oonah had placed
+a few sods of turf round the pot in an upright position, that the flame
+might curl upward round them, and so hasten the boiling, she drew a
+stool near the fire, and asked Larry to explain about the fright.
+
+"Why I was coming up by the cross-road there, when what should I see
+but a ghost----"
+
+"A ghost!!!" exclaimed the widow and Oonah, with suppressed voices and
+distended mouth and eyes.
+
+"To all appearance," said Larry; "but it was only a thing was stuck in
+the hedge to freken whoever was passin' by; and as I kem up to it there
+was a groan, so I started, and looked at it for a minit, or thereaway;
+but I seen what it was, and threwn a stone at it, for fear I'd be
+mistaken: and I heer'd tittherin' inside the hedge, and then I knew
+'t was only devilment of some one."
+
+"And what was it?" asked Oonah.
+
+"'T was a horse's head, in throth, with an owld hat on the top of it,
+and two buck-briars stuck out at each side, and some rags hanging on
+them, and an owld breeches shakin' undher the head; 't was just
+altogether like a long pale-faced man, with high shouldhers and no
+body, and very long arms and short legs:--faith, it frightened me at
+first."
+
+"And no wondher," said Oonah. "Dear, but I think I'd lose my life if I
+seen the like?"
+
+"But sure," said the widow, "wouldn't you know that ghosts never
+appears by day?"
+
+"Ay, but I hadn't time to think o' that, bein' taken short wid the
+fright--more betoken, 't was the place the murdher happened in long
+ago."
+
+"Sure enough," said the widow. "God betune us and harm!" and she marked
+herself with the sign of the cross as she spoke; "and a terrible
+murdher it was," added she.
+
+"How was it?" inquired Oonah, drawing her seat closer to her aunt and
+Larry.
+
+"'T was a schoolmaster, dear, that was found dead on the road one
+mornin', with his head full of fractions," said the widow.
+
+"All in jommethry,"[3] said Larry.
+
+      [3] Anything very badly broken is said by the Irish peasantry to be
+      in "jommethry."
+
+"And some said he fell off the horse," said the widow.
+
+"And more say the horse fell on him," said Larry.
+
+"And again, there was some said the horse kicked him in the head," said
+the widow.
+
+"And there was talk of shoe-aside," said Larry.
+
+"The horse's shoe was it?" asked Oonah.
+
+"No, _alanna_," said Larry; "shoe-aside is Latin for cutting your
+throat."
+
+"But he didn't cut his throat," said the widow.
+
+"But sure it's all one whether he done it wid a razhir on his throat,
+or a hammer on his head; it's shoe-aside all the same."
+
+"But there was no hammer found, was there?" said the widow.
+
+"No," said Larry, "but some people thought he might have hid the hammer
+afther he done it, to take off the disgrace of the shoe-aside."
+
+"But wasn't there any life in him when he was found?"
+
+"Not a taste. The crowner's jury sot on him, and he never said a word
+agin it, and if he was alive he would."
+
+"And didn't they find anything at all?" said Oonah.
+
+"Nothing but the vardict," said Larry.
+
+"And was that what killed him?" said Oonah.
+
+"No, my dear; 't was the crack in the head that killed him, however he
+kem by it; but the vardict o' the crowner was, that it was done, and
+that some one did it, and that they wor blackguards, whoever they wor,
+and persons onknown; and sure if they wor onknown then, they'd always
+stay so, for who'd know them afther doing the like?"
+
+"Thrue for you, Larry," said the widow; "but what was that to the
+murdher over at the green hills beyant?"
+
+"Oh! that was the terriblest murdher ever was in the place, or nigh it:
+that was the murdher in earnest!"
+
+With that eagerness which always attends the relation of horrible
+stories, Larry and the old woman raked up every murder and robbery that
+had occurred within their recollection, while Oonah listened with mixed
+curiosity and fear. The boiling over of the pot at length recalled them
+to a sense of the business that ought to be attended to at the moment,
+and Larry was invited to take share of the potatoes. This he declined;
+declaring, as he had done some time previously, that he must "be off
+home," and to the door he went accordingly; but as the evening had
+closed into the darkness of the night, he paused on opening it with a
+sensation he would not have liked to own. The fact was that, after the
+discussion of numerous nightly murders, he would rather have had
+daylight on the outside of the cabin; for the horrid stories that had
+been revived round the blazing hearth were not the best preparation for
+going a lonely road on a dark night. But go he should, and go he did;
+and it is not improbable that the widow, from sympathy, had a notion
+why Larry paused upon the threshold; for the moment he had crossed it,
+and that they had exchanged their "Good night, and God speed you," the
+door was rapidly closed and bolted. The widow returned to the fireside
+and was silent, while Oonah looked by the light of a candle into the
+boiling pot, to ascertain if the potatoes were yet done, and cast a
+fearful glance up the wide chimney as she withdrew from the inspection.
+
+"I wish Larry did not tell us such horrid stories," said she, as she
+laid the rushlight on the table; "I'll be dhramin' all night o' them."
+
+"'Deed an' that's thrue," said the widow; "I wish he hadn't."
+
+"Sure you was as bad yourself," said Oonah.
+
+"Troth, an' I b'lieve I was, child, and I'm sorry for it now: but let
+us ate our supper, and go to bed, in God's name."
+
+"I'm afeared o' my life to go to bed!" said Oonah. "Wisha! but I'd give
+the world it was mornin'."
+
+"Ate your supper, child, ate your supper," said her aunt, giving the
+example, which was followed by Oonah; and after the light meal, their
+prayers were said, and perchance with a little extra devotion, from
+their peculiar state of mind; then to bed they went. The rushlight
+being extinguished, the only light remaining was that shed from the red
+embers of the decaying fire, which cast so uncertain a glimmer within
+the cabin, that its effect was almost worse than utter darkness to a
+timid person; for any object within its range assumed a form unlike its
+own, and presented some fantastic image to the eye; and as Oonah,
+contrary to her usual habit, could not fall asleep the moment she went
+to bed, she could not resist peering forth from under the bed-clothes
+through the uncertain gloom, in a painful state of watchfulness, which
+became gradually relaxed into an uneasy sleep.
+
+The night was about half spent when Andy began to awake; and as he
+stretched his arms, and rolled his whole body round, he struck the
+bottom of the bed above him in the action and woke his mother. "Dear
+me," thought the widow, "I can't sleep at all to-night." Andy gave
+another turn soon after, which roused Oonah. She started, and shaking
+her aunt, asked her, in a low voice, if it was she who kicked her,
+though she scarcely hoped an answer in the affirmative, and yet dared
+not believe what her fears whispered.
+
+"No, _a cushla_," whispered the aunt.
+
+"Did _you_ feel anything?" asked Oonah, trembling violently.
+
+"What do you mane, _alanna_?" said the aunt.
+
+Andy gave another roll. "There it is again!" gasped Oonah; and in a
+whisper, scarcely above her breath, she added, "Aunt--there's some one
+under the bed!"
+
+The aunt did not answer; but the two women drew closer together and
+held each other in their arms, as if their proximity afforded
+protection. Thus they lay in breathless fear for some minutes, while
+Andy began to be influenced by a vision, in which the duel, and the
+chase, and the thrashing were all enacted over again, and soon an odd
+word began to escape from the dream. "Gi' me the pist'l, Dick--the
+pist'l!"
+
+"There are two of them!" whispered Oonah. "God be merciful to us! Do
+you hear him asking for the pistol?"
+
+"Screech!" said her aunt.
+
+"I can't," said Oonah.
+
+Andy was quiet for some time, while the women scarcely breathed.
+
+"Suppose we get up, and make for the door?" said the aunt.
+
+"I wouldn't put my foot out of the bed for the world," said Oonah. "I'm
+afeard one o' them will catch me by the leg."
+
+"Howld him! howld him!" grumbled Andy.
+
+"I'll die with the fright, aunt! I feel I'm dyin'! Let us say our
+prayers, aunt, for we're goin' to be murdhered!" The two women began to
+repeat with fervour their _aves_ and _paternosters_, while at this
+immediate juncture, Andy's dream having borne him to the dirty ditch
+where Dick Dawson had pommelled him, he began to vociferate, "Murder,
+murder!" so fiercely, that the women screamed together in an agony of
+terror, and "Murder! murder!" was shouted by the whole party; for, once
+the widow and Oonah found their voices, they made good use of them. The
+noise awoke Andy, who had, be it remembered, a tolerably long sleep by
+this time: and he having quite forgotten where he had lain down, and
+finding himself confined by the bed above him, and smothering for want
+of air, with the fierce shouts of murder ringing in his ear, woke in as
+great a fright as the women in the bed, and became a party in the
+terror he himself had produced; every plunge he gave under the bed
+inflicted a poke or a kick on his mother and cousin, which was answered
+by the cry of "Murder!"
+
+"Let me out--let me out, Misther Dick!" roared Andy. "Where am I at
+all? Let me out!"
+
+"Help! help! murdher!" roared the women.
+
+"I'll never shoot any one again, Misther Dick--let me up!"
+
+Andy scrambled from under the bed, half awake, and whole frightened by
+the darkness and the noise, which was now increased by the barking of
+the cur-dog.
+
+"Hie at him, Coaly!" roared Mrs. Rooney; "howld him! howld him!"
+
+Now as this address was often made to the cur respecting the pig, when
+Mrs. Rooney sometimes wanted a quiet moment in the day, and the pig
+didn't like quitting the premises, the dog ran to the corner of the
+cabin where the pig habitually lodged, and laid hold of his ear with
+the strongest testimonials of affection, which polite attention the pig
+acknowledged by a prolonged squealing, that drowned the voices of the
+women and Andy together; and now the cocks and hens that were roosting
+on the rafters of the cabin were startled by the din, and the crowing
+and cackling and the flapping of the frightened fowls, as they flew
+about in the dark, added to the general uproar and confusion.
+
+"A--h!" screamed Oonah, "take your hands off me!" as Andy, getting from
+under the bed, laid his hand upon it to assist him, and caught a grip
+of his cousin.
+
+"Who are you at all?" cried Andy, making another claw, and catching
+hold of his mother's nose.
+
+"Oonah, they're murdhering me!" shouted the widow.
+
+The name of Oonah, and the voice of his mother, recalled his senses to
+Andy, who shouted, "Mother, mother! what's the matter?" A frightened
+hen flew in his face, and nearly knocked Andy down. "Bad cess to you,"
+cried Andy, "what do you hit me for?"
+
+"Who are you at all?" cried the widow.
+
+"Don't you know me?" said Andy.
+
+"No, I don't know you; by the vartue o' my oath, I don't; and I'll
+never swear again you, jintlemen, if you lave the place and spare our
+lives!"
+
+Here the hens flew against the dresser, and smash went the plates and
+dishes.
+
+"Oh, jintlemen dear, don't rack and ruin me that way: don't destroy a
+lone woman."
+
+"Mother, mother, what's this at all? Don't you know your own Andy?"
+
+"Is it you that's there?" cried the widow, catching hold of him.
+
+"To be sure it's me," said Andy.
+
+"You won't let us be murdhered, will you?"
+
+"Who'd murdher you?"
+
+"Them people that's with you." Smash went another plate. "Do you hear
+that?--they're rackin' my place, the villains!"
+
+"Divil a one's wid me at all!" said Andy.
+
+"I'll take my oath there was three or four under the bed," said Oonah.
+
+"Not one but myself," said Andy.
+
+"Are you sure?" said his mother.
+
+"Cock sure!" said Andy, and a loud crowing gave evidence in favour of
+his assertion.
+
+"The fowls is going mad," said the widow.
+
+"And the pig's distracted," said Oonah.
+
+"No wonder! the dog's murdherin' him," said Andy.
+
+"Get up, and light the rushlight, Oonah," said the widow: "you'll get a
+spark out o' the turf cendhers."
+
+"Some o' them will catch me, maybe," said Oonah.
+
+"Get up, I tell you!" said the widow.
+
+Oonah now arose, and groped her way to the fireplace, where, by dint of
+blowing upon the embers and poking the rushlight among the turf ashes,
+a light was at length obtained. She then returned to the bed, and threw
+her petticoat over her shoulders.
+
+"What's this at all?" said the widow, rising, and wrapping a blanket
+round her.
+
+"Bad cess to the know I know!" said Andy.
+
+"Look under the bed, Oonah," said the aunt.
+
+Oonah obeyed, and screamed, and ran behind Andy. "There's another here
+yet!" said she.
+
+Andy seized the poker, and, standing on the defensive, desired the
+villain to come out: the demand was not complied with.
+
+"There's nobody there," said Andy.
+
+"I'll take my oath there is," said Oonah; "a dirty blackguard, without
+any clothes on him."
+
+"Come out, you robber!" said Andy, making a lunge under the truckle.
+
+A grunt ensued, and out rushed the pig, who had escaped from the
+dog--the dog having discovered a greater attraction in some fat that
+was knocked from the dresser, which the widow intended for the dipping
+of rushes in; but the dog being enlightened to his own interest without
+rushlights, and preferring mutton fat to pig's ear, had suffered the
+grunter to go at large, while he was captivated by the fat. The clink
+of a three-legged stool the widow seized to the rescue was a stronger
+argument against the dog than he was prepared to answer, and a remnant
+of fat was preserved from the rapacious Coaly.
+
+"Where's the rest o' the robbers?" said Oonah; "there's three o' them,
+I know."
+
+"You're dhramin'," said Andy. "Divil a robber is here but myself."
+
+"And what brought you here?" said his mother.
+
+[Illustration: Andy's Welcome Home]
+
+"I was afeard they'd murdher me!" said Andy.
+
+"Murdher!" exclaimed the widow and Oonah together, still startled by
+the very sound of the word. "Who do you mane?"
+
+"Misther Dick," said Andy.
+
+"Aunt, I tell you," said Oonah, "this is some more of Andy's blundhers.
+Sure Misther Dawson wouldn't be goin' to murdher any one; let us look
+round the cabin, and find out who's in it, for I won't be aisy ontil I
+look into every corner, to see there's no robbers in the place: for I
+tell you again, there was three o' them undher the bed."
+
+The search was made, and the widow and Oonah at length satisfied that
+there were no midnight assassins there with long knives to cut their
+throats; and then they began to thank God that their lives were safe.
+
+"But, oh! look at my chaynee!" said the widow, clasping her hands, and
+casting a look of despair at the shattered delf that lay around her;
+"look at my chaynee!"
+
+"And what _was_ it brought _you_ here?" said Oonah, facing round on
+Andy, with a dangerous look, rather, in her bright eye. "Will you tell
+us that--what _was_ it?"
+
+"I came to save my life, I tell you," said Andy.
+
+"To put us in dhread of ours, you mane," said Oonah. "Just look at the
+_omadhaun_ there," said she to her aunt, "standin' with his mouth open,
+just as if nothin' happened, and he after frightening the lives out of
+us."
+
+"Thrue for you, _alanna_," said her aunt.
+
+"And would no place sarve you, indeed, but undher our bed, you vagabone?"
+said his mother, roused to a sense of his delinquency; "to come in like
+a merodin' villain as you are, and hide under the bed, and frighten the
+lives out of us, and rack and ruin my place!"
+
+"'T was Misther Dick, I tell you," said Andy.
+
+"Bad scran to you, you unlucky hangin' bone thief!" cried the widow,
+seizing him by the hair, and giving him a hearty cuff on the ear, which
+would have knocked him down, only that Oonah kept him up by an equally
+well-applied box on the other.
+
+"Would you murdher me?" shouted Andy, as he saw his mother lay hold of
+the broom.
+
+"Aren't you afther frightenin' the lives out of us, you dirty,
+good-for-nothing, mischief-making----"
+
+On poured the torrent of abuse, rendered more impressive by a whack at
+every word. Andy roared, and the more he roared, the more did Oonah and
+his mother thrash him.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+
+    "Love rules the camp, the court, the grove,
+    And men below and saints above:
+    For Love is Heaven, and Heaven is Love--"
+
+So sang Scott. Quite agreeing with the antithesis of the last line,
+perhaps in the second, where he talks of men and saints, another view
+of the subject, or turn of the phrase, might have introduced sinners
+quite as successfully. This is said without the smallest intention of
+using the word _sinners_ in a questionable manner. Love, in its purest
+shape, may lead to sinning on the part of persons least interested in
+the question; for is it not a sin when the folly, or caprice, or
+selfishness of a third party or fourth makes a trio or quartette of
+that which nature undoubtedly intended for a duet, and so spoils it?
+
+Fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts--ay, and even
+cousins--sometimes put in their oar to disturb that stream which is
+troubled enough without their interference, and, as the Bard of Avon
+says,
+
+    "Never did run smooth."
+
+And so it was in the case of Fanny Dawson and Edward O'Connor. A piece
+of innocent fun on the part of her brother, and blind pertinacity--indeed,
+downright absurdity--on her father's side, interrupted the intercourse
+of affection, which had subsisted silently for many a long day between
+the lovers, but was acknowledged, at last, with delight to the two whom
+it most concerned, and satisfaction to all who knew or held them dear.
+Yet the harmony of this sweet concordance of spirits was marred by
+youthful frolic and doting absurdity. This welding together of hearts
+in the purest fire of nature's own contriving was broken at a blow by a
+weak old man. Is it too much to call this _a sin_? Less mischievous
+things are branded with the name in the common-place parlance of the
+world. The cold and phlegmatic may not understand this; but they who
+_can_ love know how bitterly every after-hour of life may be poisoned
+with the taint which hapless love has infused into the current of
+future years, and can believe how many a heart equal to the highest
+enterprise has been palsied by the touch of despair. Sweet and holy is
+the duty of child to parent; but sacred also is the obligation of those
+who govern in so hallowed a position. Their rule should be guided by
+justice; they should pray for judgment in their mastery.
+
+Fanny Dawson's father was an odd sort of person. His ancestors were
+settlers in Ireland of the time of William the Third, and having won
+their lands by the sword, it is quite natural the love of arms should
+have been hereditary in the family. Mr. Dawson, therefore, had served
+many years as a soldier, and was a bit of a martinet, not only in
+military but all other affairs. His mind was of so tenacious a
+character, that an impression once received there became indelible; and
+if the Major once made up his mind, or indulged the belief, that such
+and such things were so and so, the waters of truth could never wash
+out the mistake--stubbornness had written them there with her own
+indelible marking-ink.
+
+Now, one of the old gentleman's weak points was a museum of the most
+heterogeneous nature, consisting of odds and ends from all parts of the
+world, and appertaining to all subjects. Nothing was too high or too
+low: a bronze helmet from the plains of Marathon, which, to the classic
+eye of an artist, conveyed the idea of a Minerva's head beneath it,
+would not have been more prized by the Major than a cavalry cap with
+some bullet-mark of which _he could tell an anecdote_. A certain skin
+of a tiger he prized much, because the animal had dined on his dearest
+friend in one of the jungles of Bengal; also a pistol which he vouched
+for as being the one with which Hatfield fired at George the Third; the
+hammer with which Crawley (of Hessian-boot memory) murdered his
+landlady; the string which was on Viotti's violin when he played before
+Queen Charlotte; the horn which was _supposed_ to be in the lantern of
+Guy Fawkes; a small piece of the coat worn by the Prince of Orange on
+his landing in England; and other such relics. But far above these, the
+Major prized the skeleton of a horse's head, which occupied the
+principal place in his museum. This he declared to be part of the
+identical horse which bore Duke Schomberg when he crossed the Boyne, in
+the celebrated battle so called; and with whimsical ingenuity, he had
+contrived to string some wires upon the bony fabric, which yielded a
+sort of hurdy-gurdy vibration to the strings when touched: and the
+Major's most favourite feat was to play the tune of the Boyne Water on
+the head of Duke Schomberg's horse. In short, his collection was composed
+of trifles from north, south, east, and west: some leaf from the
+prodigal verdure of India, or gorgeous shell from the Pacific, or paw
+of bear, or tooth of walrus; but beyond all teeth, one pre-eminently
+was valued--it was one of his own, which he had lost the use of by a
+wound in the jaw, received in action; and no one ever entered his house
+and escaped without hearing all about it, from the first shot fired in
+the affair by the skirmishers, to the last charge of the victorious
+cavalry. The tooth was always produced along with the story, together
+with the declaration, that every dentist who ever saw it protested it
+was the largest human tooth ever seen. Now some little sparring was not
+unfrequent between old Mr. Dawson and Edward, on the subject of their
+respective museums: the old gentleman "pooh-poohing" Edward's "rotten
+rusty rubbish," as he called it, and Edward defending, as gently as he
+could, his patriotic partiality for natural antiquities. This little
+war never led to any evil results; for Edward not only loved Fanny too
+well, but respected age too much to lean hard on the old gentleman's
+weakness, or seek to reduce his fancied superiority as a collector; but
+the tooth, the ill-omened tooth, at last gnawed asunder the bond of
+friendship and affection which had subsisted between the two families
+for so many years.
+
+The Major had paraded his tooth so often, that Dick Dawson began to
+tire of it, and for the purpose of making it a source of amusement to
+himself, he stole his father's keys, one day, and opening the cabinet
+in which his tooth was enshrined, he abstracted the grinder which
+nature had bestowed on the Major, and substituted in its stead a
+horse's tooth of no contemptible dimensions. A party some days after
+dined with the old gentleman, and after dinner the story of the
+skirmish turned up, as a matter of course, and the enormous size of the
+tooth wound up the tedious tale.
+
+"Hadn't you better show it to them, sir?" said Dick, from the foot of
+the table.
+
+"Indeed, then, I will," said the Major, "for it really is a curiosity."
+
+"Let me go for it, sir," said Dick, well knowing he would be refused.
+
+"No, no," answered his father, rising; "I never let any one go to my
+pet cabinet but myself;" and so saying he left the room, and proceeded
+to his museum. It has been already said, that the Major's mind was of
+that character, which once being satisfied of anything could never be
+convinced of the contrary; and having for years been in the habit of
+drawing his own tooth out of his own cabinet, the increased size of the
+one which he now extracted from it never struck him; so he returned to
+the dining-room, and presented with great exultation to the company the
+tooth Dick had substituted. It may be imagined how the people stared,
+when an old gentleman, and moreover a major, declared upon his honour,
+that a great horse's tooth was his own; but having done so, politeness
+forbade they should contradict him, more particularly at the head of
+his own table, so they smothered their smiles as well as they could,
+and declared it was the most wonderful tooth they ever beheld: and
+instead of attempting to question the fact, they launched forth in
+expressions of admiration and surprise, and the fable, instead of being
+questioned, was received with welcome, and made food for mirth. The
+difficulty was not to laugh; and in the midst of twisted mouths,
+affected sneezing, and applications of pocket-handkerchiefs to
+rebellious cachinnations, Dick, the maker of the joke, sat unmoved,
+sipping his claret with a serenity which might have roused the envy of
+a Red Indian.
+
+"I think that's something like a tooth!" said Dick.
+
+"Prodigious--wonderful--tremendous!" ran round the board.
+
+"Give it to me again," said one.
+
+"Let me look at it once more," said another.
+
+"Colossal!" exclaimed a third.
+
+"Gigantic!" shouted all, as the tooth made the circuit of the table.
+
+The Major was delighted, and never remembered his tooth to have created
+such a sensation; and when at last it was returned to him, he turned it
+about in his own hand, and cast many fond glances at the monstrosity,
+before it was finally deposited in his waistcoat pocket. This was the
+most ridiculous part of the exhibition: to see a gentleman, with the
+use of his eyes, looking affectionately at a thumping horse's tooth,
+and believing it to be his own. Yet this was a key to the Major's whole
+character. A received opinion was with him unchangeable, no alteration
+of circumstances could shake it: _it was his tooth_. A belief or a
+doubt was equally sacred with him; and though his senses in the present
+case should have shown him it was a horse's tooth--no, it was a piece
+of himself--his own dear tooth.
+
+After this party, the success which crowned his anecdote and its
+attendant relic made him fonder of showing it off; and many a day did
+Dick the Devil enjoy the astonishment of visitors as his father
+exhibited the enormous tooth as his own. Fonder and fonder grew the
+Major of his tooth and his story, until the unlucky day Edward O'Connor
+happened to be in the museum with a party of ladies, to whom the old
+gentleman was showing off his treasures with great effect and some
+pains; for the Major, like most old soldiers, was very attentive to the
+fair sex. At last the pet cabinet was opened, and out came the tooth.
+One universal exclamation of surprise arose on its appearance: "What a
+wonderful man the Major was to have such a tooth!" Just then, by an
+unlucky chance, Edward, who had not seen the Major produce the wonder
+from his cabinet, perceived the relic in the hand of one of the ladies
+at the extremity of the group, and, fancying it had dropped from the
+horse's head, he said--
+
+"I suppose that is one of the teeth out of old Schomberg's skull."
+
+The Major thought this an impertinent allusion to his political bias,
+and said, very sharply, "What do you mean by old Schomberg?"
+
+"The horse's head, sir," replied Edward, pointing to the musical relic.
+
+"It was of _my_ tooth you spoke, sir, when you said 'old Schomberg,'"
+returned the Major, still more offended at what he considered Edward's
+evasion.
+
+"I assure you," said Edward, with the strongest evidence of a desire to
+be reconciled in his voice and manner--"I assure you, sir, it was of
+_this_ tooth I spoke;" and he held up the tooth the Major had
+produced as his own.
+
+"I know it was, sir," said the Major, "and therefore I didn't relish
+your allusions to my tooth."
+
+"_Your_ tooth, sir?" exclaimed Edward, in surprise.
+
+"Yes, sir, mine!"
+
+"My dear sir," said Edward, "there is some mistake here; this is a
+horse's tooth."
+
+"Give it to me, sir!" said the Major, snatching it from Edward. "You
+may think this very witty, Mr. O'Connor, but _I_ don't; if my tooth is
+of superhuman size, I'm not to be called a horse for it, sir;--nor
+Schomberg, sir!--horse--ahem! better than ass, however."
+
+While this brief but angry outbreak took place, the bystanders, of
+course, felt excessively uncomfortable; and poor Edward knew not what
+to do. The Major he knew to be of too violent a temper to attempt
+explanation for the present: so bowing to the ladies, he left the room,
+with that flushed look of silent vexation to which courteous youth is
+sometimes obliged to submit at the hands of intemperate age.
+
+Neither Fanny nor Dick was at home when this occurred, so Edward
+quitted the house, and was forbidden to enter it afterwards. The Major
+suddenly entertained a violent dislike to Edward O'Connor, and hated
+even to hear his name mentioned. It was in vain that explanation was
+attempted; his self-love had received a violent shock, of which Edward
+had been the innocent means. In vain did Dick endeavour to make himself
+the peace-offering to his father's wounded consequence; in vain was it
+manifest that Fanny was grieved: the old Major persisted in declaring
+that Edward O'Connor was a self-sufficient jackanapes, and forbade most
+peremptorily that further intercourse should take place between him and
+his daughter; and she had too high a sense of duty, and he of honour,
+to seek to violate the command. But though they never met, they loved
+not the less fondly and truly; and Dick, grieved that a frolic of his
+should have interrupted the happiness of a sister he loved and a friend
+he valued, kept up a sort of communion between them by talking to
+Edward about Fanny, and to Fanny about Edward, whose last song was
+sure, through the good offices of the brother, to find its way into the
+sister's album, already stored with many a tribute from her lover's
+muse.
+
+Fanny was a sweet creature--one of those choice and piquant bits of
+Nature's creation which she sometimes vouchsafes to treat the world
+with, just to show what she _can_ do. Her person I shall not attempt to
+describe; for however one may endeavour to make words play the part of
+colour, lineament, voice, and expression--and however successfully--still
+a verbal description can never convey a true notion of personal charms;
+and personal charms Fanny had, decidedly; not that she was strictly
+beautiful, but, at times, nevertheless, eclipsing beauty far more
+regular, and throwing symmetry into the shade, by some charm which even
+they whom it fascinated could not define.
+
+Her mind was as clear and pure as a mountain stream; and if at times it
+chafed and was troubled from the course in which it ran, the temporary
+turbulence only made its limpid depth and quietness more beautiful. Her
+heart was the very temple of generosity, the throne of honour, and the
+seat of tenderness. The gentlest sympathies dwelt in her soul, and
+answered to the slightest call of another's grief; while mirth was
+dancing in her eye, a word that implied the sorrow of another would
+bring a tear there. She was the sweetest creature in the world!
+
+The old Major, used to roving habits from his profession, would often
+go on a ramble somewhere for weeks together, at which times Fanny went
+to Merryvale to her sister, Mistress Egan, who was also a fine-hearted
+creature, but less soft and sentimental than Fanny. She was of the
+dashing school rather, and before she became the mother of so large a
+family, thought very little of riding over a gate or a fence. Indeed,
+it was her high mettle that won her the squire's heart. The story is
+not long, and it may as well be told here--though a little out of
+place, perhaps; but it's an Irish story, and may therefore be gently
+irregular.
+
+The squire had admired Letitia Dawson, as most of the young men of her
+acquaintance did--appreciated her round waist and well-turned ankle,
+her spirited eyes and cheerful laugh, and danced with her at every ball
+as much as any other fine girl in the country: but never seriously
+thought of her as a wife, until one day a party visited the parish
+church, whose old tower was often ascended for the fine view it
+commanded. At this time the tower was under repair, and the masons were
+drawing up materials in a basket, which, worked by rope and pulley,
+swung on a beam protruding from the top of the tower. The basket had
+just been lowered for a fresh load of stones, when Letitia exclaimed,
+"Wouldn't it be fine fun to get into the basket, and be hauled up to
+the top of the tower?--how astonished the workmen would be to see a
+lady get out of it!"
+
+"I would be more astonished to see a lady get into it," said a
+gentleman present.
+
+"Then here goes to astonish you," said Letitia, laying hold of the rope
+and jumping into the basket. In vain did her friends and the workmen
+below endeavour to dissuade her; up she would go, and up she did go;
+and it was during her ascent that Egan and a friend were riding towards
+the church. Their attention was attracted by so strange a sight: and,
+spurring onward, Egan exclaimed, "By the powers! 't is Letty Dawson!
+Well done, Letty!--you're the right girl for my money! By Jove! if ever
+I marry, Letty's the woman." And sure enough she _was_ the woman,
+in another month.
+
+Now, Fanny would not have done the basket feat, but she had plenty of
+fun in her, notwithstanding; her spirits were light; and though, for
+some time, she felt deeply the separation from Edward, she rallied
+after a while, felt that unavailing sorrow but impaired the health of
+the mind, and, supported by her good sense, she waited in hopefulness
+for the time that Edward might claim and win her.
+
+At Merryvale now all was expectation about the anticipated election.
+The ladies were making up bows of ribbon for their partizans, and Fanny
+had been so employed all the morning alone in the drawing-room; her
+pretty fingers pinching, and pressing, and stitching the silken
+favours, while now and then her hand wandered to a wicker-basket which
+lay beside her, to draw forth a scissors or a needlecase. As she
+worked, a shade of thought crossed her sweet face, like a passing cloud
+across the sun; the pretty fingers stopped--the work was laid down--and
+a small album gently drawn from the neighbouring basket. She opened the
+book and read; they were lines of Edward O'Connor's which she drank
+into her heart; they were the last he had written, which her brother
+had heard him sing and had brought her
+
+    THE SNOW
+
+    I
+
+    An old man sadly said,
+      "Where's the snow
+    That fell the year that's fled?--
+      Where's the snow?"
+    As fruitless were the task
+    Of many a joy to ask,
+      As the snow!
+
+    II
+
+    The hope of airy birth,
+      Like the snow,
+    Is stain'd on reaching earth,
+      Like the snow:
+    While 't is sparkling in the ray,
+    'T is melting fast away,
+      Like the snow!
+
+    III
+
+    A cold, deceitful thing
+      Is the snow,
+    Though it come on dove-like wing--
+      The false snow!
+    'T is but rain disguised appears;
+    And our hopes are frozen tears,
+      Like the snow!
+
+A tear _did_ course down Fanny's cheek as she read the last couplet;
+and closing the book and replacing it in the little basket, she sighed,
+and said, "Poor fellow!--I wish he were not so sad!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+
+Love is of as many patterns, cuts, shapes, and colours as people's
+garments; and the loves of Edward O'Connor and Fanny Dawson had very
+little resemblance to the tender passion which agitated the breast of
+the Widow Flanagan, and made Tom Durfy her slave. Yet the widow and Tom
+demand the offices of the chronicler as well as the more elevated pair;
+and this our veracious history could never get on, if we exhausted all
+our energies upon the more engaging personages, to the neglect of the
+rest: your plated handles, scrolls, and mountings are all very well on
+your carriage, but it could not move without its plain iron bolts.
+
+Now the reader must know something of the fair Mistress Flanagan who
+was left in very comfortable circumstances by a niggardly husband, who
+did her the favour to die suddenly one day, to the no small satisfaction
+of the pleasure-loving widow, who married him in an odd sort of a hurry,
+and got rid of him as quickly. Mr. Flanagan was engaged in supplying the
+export provision trade, which, every one knows, is considerable in
+Ireland; and his dealings in beef and butter were extensive. This
+brought him into contact with the farmers for many miles round, whom he
+met, not only every market-day at every market-town in the county, but
+at their own houses, where a knife and fork were always at the service
+of the rich buyer. One of these was a certain Mat Riley, who, on small
+means, managed to live, and rear a son and three bouncing, good-looking
+girls, who helped to make butter, feed calves, and superintend the
+education of pigs; and on these active and comely lasses Mr. Flanagan
+often cast an eye of admiration, with a view to making one of them his
+wife; for though he might have had his pick and choice of many fine
+girls in the towns he dealt in, he thought the simple, thrifty, and
+industrious habits of a plain farmer's daughter more likely to conduce
+to his happiness and _profit_--for in that principally lay the aforesaid
+happiness of Mr. Flanagan. Now, this intention of honouring one of the
+three Miss Rileys with promotion he never hinted at in the remotest
+degree, and even in his own mind the thought was mixed up with fat
+cattle and prices current; and it was not until a leisure moment one
+day, when he was paying Mat Riley for some of his farming produce, that
+he broached the subject thus:
+
+"Mat." "Sir."
+
+"I'm thinking o' marrying."
+
+"Well, she'll have a snug house, whoever she is, Misther Flanagan."
+
+"Them's fine girls o' yours."
+
+Poor Mat opened his eyes with delight at the prospect of such a match
+for one of his daughters, and said they were "comely lumps o' girls,
+sure enough; but, what was betther, they wor good."
+
+"That's what I'm thinking," says Flanagan. "There's two ten-poun'
+notes, and a five, and one is six, and one is seven; and three tenpinnies
+is two-and-sixpence; that's twenty-seven poun' two-and-sixpence:
+eight-pence-ha'penny is the lot; but I haven't copper in my company,
+Mat."
+
+"Oh, no matther, Misther Flanagan. And is it one o' my colleens you've
+been throwing the eye at, sir?"
+
+"Yes, Mat, it is. You're askin' too much for them firkins?"
+
+"Oh, Misther Flanagan, consider it's prime butther. I'll back my girls
+for making up a bit o' butther agen any girls in Ireland; and my cows
+is good, and the pasture prime."
+
+"'T is a farthing a poun' too high, Mat; and the market not lively."
+
+"The butther is good, Mr. Flanagan; and not decenther girls in Ireland
+than the same girls, though I'm their father."
+
+"I'm thinking I'll marry one o' them, Mat."
+
+"Sure, an' it's proud I'll be, sir; and which o' them is it, maybe?"
+
+"Faith, I don't know myself, Mat. Which do you think yourself?"
+
+"Throth, myself doesn't know--they're all good. Nance is nice, and
+Biddy's biddable, and Kitty's cute."
+
+"You're a snug man, Mat; you ought to be able to give a husband a
+trifle with them."
+
+"Nothing worth _your_ while, anyhow, Misther Flanagan. But sure one o'
+my girls without a rag to her back, or a tack to her feet, would be
+betther help to an honest industherin' man than one o' your showy
+lantherumswash divils out of a town, that would spend more than she'd
+bring with her."
+
+"That's thrue, Mat. I'll marry one o' your girls, I think."
+
+"You'll have my blessin', sir; and proud I'll be--and proud the girl
+ought to be--_that_ I'll say. And suppose, now, you'd come over on
+Sunday, and take share of a plain man's dinner, and take your pick o'
+the girls--there's a fine bull goose that Nance towld me she'd have
+ready afther last mass; for Father Ulick said he'd come and dine with
+us."
+
+"I can't, Mat; I must be in the canal boat on Sunday; but I'll go and
+breakfast with you to-morrow, on my way to Bill Mooney's, who has a
+fine lot of pigs to sell--remarkable fine pigs."
+
+"Well, we'll expect you to breakfast, sir."
+
+"Mat, there must be no nonsense about the wedding."
+
+"As you plase, sir."
+
+"Just marry her off, and take her home. Short reckonings make long
+friends."
+
+"Thrue for you, sir."
+
+"Nothing to give with the girl, you say?"
+
+"My blessin' only, sir."
+
+"Well, you must throw in that butther, Mat, and take the farthin' off."
+
+"It's yours, sir," said Mat, delighted, loading Flanagan with "Good
+byes," and "God save yous," until they should meet next morning at
+breakfast.
+
+Mat rode home in great glee at the prospect of providing so well for one
+of his girls, and told them a man would be there the next morning to
+make choice of one of them for his wife. The girls, very naturally,
+inquired who the man was; to which Mat, in the plenitude of patriarchal
+power, replied, "that was nothing to them;" and his daughters had
+sufficient experience of his temper to know there was no use in asking
+more questions after such an answer. He only added, she would be "well
+off that should get him." Now, their father being such a curmudgeon,
+it is no wonder the girls were willing to take the chance of a
+good-humoured husband instead of an iron-handed father; so they set to
+work to make themselves as smart as possible for the approaching trial
+of their charms, and a battle royal ensued between the sisters as to
+the right and title to certain pieces of dress which were hitherto
+considered a sort of common property amongst them, and of which the
+occasion of a fair, or a pattern,[4] or market-day was enough to
+establish the possession, by whichever of the girls went to the public
+place; but now, when a husband was to be won, privilege of all sorts was
+pleaded, in which discussion there was more noise than sound reason, and
+so many violent measures to secure the envied _morceaux_, that some
+destruction of finery took place where there was none to spare; and, at
+last, seniority was agreed upon to decide the question; so that when
+Nance had the first plunder of the chest which held all their clothes in
+common, and Biddy made the second grab, poor Kitty had little left but
+her ordinary rags to appear in. But as, in the famous judgment on Ida's
+Mount, it is hinted that Venus carried the day by her scarcity of
+drapery, so did Kitty conquer by want of clothes: not that Love sat in
+judgment; it was Plutus turned the scale. But, to leave metaphor and
+classic illustration, and go back to Mat Riley's cabin--the girls were
+washing, and starching, and ironing all night, and the morning saw
+them arrayed for conquest. Flanagan came, and breakfasted, and saw the
+three girls. A flashy silk handkerchief which Nancy wore put her _hors
+de combat_ very soon; she was set down at once, in his mind, as
+extravagant. Biddy might have had a chance if she had made anything
+like a fair division with her youngest sister; but Kitty had been so
+plundered, that her shabbiness won an easy victory over the niggard's
+heart: he saw in her "the making of a thrifty wife;" besides which, she
+was possibly the best looking, and certainly the youngest of the three;
+and there is no knowing how far old Flanagan might have been influenced
+by those considerations.
+
+      [4] A half-holy, half-merry meeting, held at some certain place,
+      on the day dedicated to the saint who is supposed to be the
+      PATRON of the spot--hence the name "PATTERN."
+
+He spoke very little to any of the girls; but, when he was leaving the
+house, he said to the father, as he was shaking hands with him, "Mat,
+I'll do it;" and, pointing to Kitty, he added, "That's the one I'll
+have."
+
+Great was the rage of the elder sisters, for Flanagan was notoriously a
+wealthy man; and when he quitted the house, Kitty set up such a shout
+of laughter, that her father and sisters told her several times "not to
+make a fool of herself." Still she laughed, and throughout the day
+sometimes broke out into sudden roars; and while her sides shook with
+merriment, she would throw herself into a chair, or lean against the
+wall, to rest herself after the fatigue of her uproarious mirth. Now
+Kitty, while she laughed at the discomfiture of her greedy sisters,
+also laughed at the mistake into which Flanagan had fallen; for, as her
+father said of her, she was, "'cute," and she more than suspected the
+cause of Flanagan's choice, and enjoyed the anticipation of his
+disappointment, for she was fonder of dress than either Nancy or Biddy,
+and revelled in the notion of astonishing "the old niggard," as she
+called him; and this she did "many a time and oft." In vain did
+Flanagan try to keep her extravagance within bounds. She would either
+wheedle, reason, bully, or shame him into doing what she said "was
+right and proper for a snug man like him." His house was soon well
+furnished: she made him get her a jaunting car. She sometimes _would_
+go to parties, and no one was better dressed than the woman he chose
+for her rags. He got enraged now and then, but Kitty pacified him by
+soft words and daring inventions of her fertile fancy. Once, when he
+caught her in the fact of wearing a costly crimson silk gown, and
+stormed, she soothed him by telling him it was her old black one she
+had dyed; and this bouncer, to the great amusement of her female
+friends, he loved to repeat, as a proof of what a careful contriving
+creature he had in Kitty. She was naturally quick-witted. She managed
+him admirably, deceived him into being more comfortable than ever he
+had been before, and had the laudable ambition of endeavouring to
+improve both his and her own condition in every way. She set about
+educating herself, too, as far as her notions of education went; and,
+in a few years after her marriage, by judiciously using the means which
+her husband's wealth afforded her of advancing her position in society,
+no one could have recognised in the lively and well-dressed Mrs.
+Flanagan the gawky daughter of a middling farmer. She was very
+good-natured, too, towards her sisters, whose condition she took care
+to improve with her own; and a very fair match for the eldest was made
+through her means. The younger one was often staying in her house,
+dividing her time nearly between the town and her father's farm, and no
+party which Mrs. Flanagan gave or appeared at went off without giving
+Biddy a chance to "settle herself in the world." This was not done
+without a battle now and then with old Flanagan, whose stinginess would
+exhibit itself upon occasion; but at last all let and hindrance to the
+merry lady ceased, by the sudden death of her old husband, who left her
+the entire of his property, so that, for the first time, his _will_ was
+her pleasure.
+
+After the funeral of the old man, the "disconsolate widow" was
+withdrawn from her own house by her brother and sister to the farm,
+which grew to be a much more comfortable place than when Kitty left;
+for to have remained in her own house after the loss of "her good man"
+would have been too hard on "the lone woman." So said her sister and
+her brother, though, to judge from the widow's eyes, she was not very
+heart-broken: she cried as much, no doubt, as young widows generally do
+after old husbands--and could Kitty be expected to do more?
+
+She had not been many days in her widowhood, when Biddy asked her to
+drive into the town, where Biddy had to do a little shopping--that
+great business of ladies' lives.
+
+"Oh, Biddy, dear, I must not go out so soon."
+
+"'T will do you good, Kitty."
+
+"I mustn't be seen, you know--'t wouldn't be right; and poor dear
+Flanagan not buried a week!"
+
+"Sure, who'll see you? We'll go in the covered car, and draw the
+curtains close, and who'll be the wiser?"
+
+"If I thought no one would see me!" said the widow.
+
+"Ah, who'll see you?" exclaimed Biddy. "Come along--the drive will do
+you good."
+
+The widow agreed; but when Biddy asked for a horse to put to the car,
+her brother refused, for the only horse not at work he was going to
+yoke in a cart that moment, to send a lamb to the town. Biddy vowed she
+would have a horse, and her brother swore the lamb should be served
+first, till Biddy made a compromise, and agreed to take the lamb under
+the seat of the car, and so please all parties.
+
+Matters being thus accommodated, off the ladies set, the lamb tied neck
+and heels and crammed under the seat, and the curtains of the car ready
+to be drawn at a moment's notice, in case they should meet any one on
+the road; for "why should not the poor widow enjoy the fresh air as
+they drove along?" About half way to the town, however, the widow
+suddenly exclaimed--
+
+"Biddy, draw the curtains!"
+
+"What's the matter?" says Biddy.
+
+"I see him coming after us round a turn o' the road!" and the widow
+looked so horrified, and plucked at the curtains so furiously, that
+Biddy, who was superstitious, thought nothing but Flanagan's ghost
+could have produced such an effect; and began to scream and utter holy
+ejaculations, until the sight of Tom Durfy riding after them showed her
+the cause of her sister's alarm.
+
+"If that divil, Tom Durfy, sees me, he'll tell it all over the country,
+he's such a quiz; shove yourself well before the door there, Biddy,
+that he can't peep into the car. Oh, why did I come out this day!--I
+wish your tongue was cut out, Biddy, that asked me!"
+
+In the meantime Tom Durfy closed on them fast, and began telegraphing
+Biddy, who, according to the widow's desire, had shoved herself well
+before the door.
+
+"Pull up, Tim, pull up!" said the widow, from the inside of the car, to
+the driver, whom she thumped on the back at the same time to impress
+upon him her meaning; "turn about, and pretend to drive back. We'll let
+that fellow ride on," said she, quietly to Biddy.
+
+Just as this manoeuvre was executed, up came Tom Durfy.
+
+"How are you, Miss Riley?" said he, as he drew rein.
+
+"Pretty well, thank you," said Biddy, putting her head and shoulders
+through the window, while the widow shrunk back into the corner of the
+car.
+
+"How very sudden poor Mr. Flanagan's death was!--I was quite
+surprised."
+
+"Yes, indeed," says Biddy. "I was just taking a little drive; good
+bye."
+
+"I was very much shocked to hear of it," said Tom.
+
+"'T was dreadful!" said Biddy.
+
+"How is poor Mrs. Flanagan?" said Tom.
+
+"As well as can be expected, poor thing! Good bye!" said Biddy,
+manifestly anxious to cut short the conference.
+
+This anxiety was so obvious to Tom, who, for the sake of fun, loved
+cross-purposes dearly, that he determined to push his conversation
+further, just because he saw it was unwelcome.
+
+"To be sure," continued he, "at his time of life----"
+
+"Very true," said Biddy. "Good morning."
+
+"And the season has been very unhealthy."
+
+"Doctor Growling told me so yesterday," said Biddy; "I wonder you're
+not afraid of stopping in this east wind--colds are very prevalent.
+Good bye!"
+
+Just now the Genius of Farce, who presides so particularly over all
+Irish affairs, put it into the lamb's head to bleat. The sound at first
+did not strike Tom Durfy as singular, they being near a high hedge,
+within which it was likely enough a lamb might bleat; but Biddy,
+shocked at the thought of being discovered in the fact of making her
+jaunting-cart a market-cart, reddened up to the eyes, while the widow
+squeezed herself closer into the corner.
+
+Tom, seeing the increasing embarrassment of Biddy, and her desire to be
+off, still _would_ talk to her, for the love of mischief.
+
+"I beg your pardon," he continued, "just one moment more--I wanted to
+ask, was it not apoplexy, for I heard an odd report about the death?"
+
+"Oh, yes," says Biddy; "apoplexy--good bye!"
+
+"Did he speak at all?" asked Tom.
+
+"_Baa!_" says the lamb.
+
+Tom cocked his ears, Biddy grew redder, and the widow crammed her
+handkerchief into her mouth to endeavour to smother her laughter.
+
+"I hope poor Mrs. Flanagan bears it well?" says Tom.
+
+"Poor thing!" says Biddy, "she's inconsolable."
+
+"_Baa-a!_" says the lamb.
+
+Biddy spoke louder and faster, the widow kicked with laughing, and Tom
+then suspected whence the sound proceeded.
+
+"She does nothing but cry all day!" says Biddy.
+
+"_Baa-a-a!_" says the lamb.
+
+The widow could stand it no longer, and a peal of laughter followed the
+lamb's bleat.
+
+"What is all this?" said Tom, laying hold of the curtains with
+relentless hand, and, spite of Biddy's screams, rudely unveiling the
+sanctuary of sorrowing widowhood. Oh! what a sight for the rising--I beg
+their pardon, the sinking--generation of old gentlemen who take young
+wives did Tom behold! There was the widow lying back in the corner--she
+who was represented as inconsolable and crying all day--shaking with
+laughter, the tears, not of sorrow, but irrepressible mirth rolling down
+a cheek rosy enough for a bride.
+
+Biddy, of course, joined the shout. Tom roared in an agony of delight.
+The very driver's risibility rebelled against the habits of respect,
+and strengthened the chorus; while the lamb, as if conscious of the
+authorship of the joke, put in a longer and louder "_Baa--a-a-a!!!_"
+
+Tom, with all his devilment, had good taste enough to feel it was not a
+scene to linger on; so merely giving a merry nod to each of the ladies,
+he turned about his horse as fast as he could, and rode away in roars
+of laughter.
+
+When, in due course of time, the widow again appeared in company, she
+and Tom Durfy could never meet without smiling at each other. What a
+pleasant influence lies in mutual smiles! We love the lips which
+welcome us without words. Such sympathetic influence it was that led
+the widow and Tom to get better and better acquainted, and like each
+other more and more, until she thought him the pleasantest fellow in
+the county, and he thought her the handsomest woman:--besides, she had
+a good fortune.
+
+The widow, conscious of her charms and her money, did not let Tom,
+however, lead the quietest life in the world. She liked, with the usual
+propensity of her sex, occasionally to vex the man she loved, and
+assert her sway over so good-looking a fellow. He, in his turn, played
+off the widow very well; and one unfailing source of mirthful
+reconciliation on Tom's part, whenever the widow was angry, and that he
+wanted to bring her back to good humour, was to steal behind her chair,
+and coaxingly putting his head over her fair shoulder, to pat her
+gently on her peachy cheek, and cry "_Baa!_"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+
+Andy was in sad disgrace for some days with his mother; but, like all
+mothers, she soon forgave the blunders of her son--and indeed mothers
+are well off who have not more than blunders to forgive. Andy did all
+in his power to make himself useful at home, now that he was out of
+place and dependent on his mother, and got a day's work here and there
+where he could. Fortunately the season afforded him more employment
+than winter months would have done. But the farmers soon had all their
+crops made up, and when Andy could find no work to be paid for, he
+began to cut the "scrap o' meadow," as he called it, on a small field
+of his mother's. Indeed, it was but a "scrap;" for the place where it
+grew was one of those broken bits of ground so common in the vicinity
+of mountain ranges, where rocks, protruding through the soil, give the
+notion of a very fine crop of stones. Now, this locality gave to Andy
+the opportunity of exercising a bit of his characteristic ingenuity;
+for when the hay was ready for "cocking," he selected a good thumping
+rock as the foundation for his haystack, and the superstructure
+consequently cut a more respectable figure than one could have
+anticipated from the appearance of the little crop as it lay on the
+ground; and as no vestige of the rock was visible, the widow, when she
+came out to see the work completed, wondered and rejoiced at the size
+of the haystack, and said, "God bless you, Andy, but you're the natest
+hand for putting up a bit o' hay I ever seen; throth, I didn't think
+there was the half of it in it!" Little did the widow know that the
+cock of hay was as great a cheat as a bottle of champagne--more than
+half bottom. It was all very well for the widow to admire her hay; but
+at last she came to sell it, and such sales are generally effected in
+Ireland by the purchaser buying "in the lump," as it is called, that
+is, calculating the value of the hay from the appearance of the stack
+as it stands, and drawing it away upon his own cars. Now, as luck would
+have it, it was Andy's early acquaintance, Owny na Coppal, bought the
+hay; and in consideration of the _lone woman_, gave her as good a
+price as he could afford--for Owny was an honest, open-hearted fellow,
+though he was a horse-dealer; so he paid the widow the price of her hay
+on the spot, and said he would draw it away at his convenience.
+
+In a few days Owny's cars and men were sent for this purpose; but when
+they came to take the haystack to pieces, the solidity of its centre
+rather astonished them--and instead of the cars going back loaded, two
+had their journey for nothing, and went home empty. Previously to his
+men leaving the widow's field, they spoke to her on the subject, and
+said, "'Pon my conscience, ma'am, the centre o' your haystack was
+mighty heavy."
+
+"Oh, indeed, it's powerful hay!" said she.
+
+"Maybe so," said they; "but there's not much nourishment in that part
+of it."
+
+"Not finer hay in Ireland!" said she.
+
+"What's of it, ma'am," said they. "Faix, we think Mr. Doyle will be
+talkin' to you about it." And they were quite right; for Owny became
+indignant at being overreached, as he thought, and lost no time in
+going to the widow to tell her so. When he arrived at her cabin, Andy
+happened to be in the house; and when the widow raised her voice
+through the storm of Owny's rage, in protestations that she knew
+nothing about it, but that "Andy, the darlin', put the cock up with his
+own hands," then did Owny's passion gather strength.
+
+"Oh! it's you, you vagabone, is it?" said he, shaking his whip at Andy,
+with whom he never had had the honour of a conversation since the
+memorable day when his horse was nearly killed. "So this is more o'
+your purty work! Bad cess to you! wasn't it enough for you to nigh-hand
+kill one o' my horses, without plottin' to chate the rest o' them?"
+
+"Is it _me_ chate them?" said Andy. "Throth, I wouldn't wrong a
+dumb baste for the world."
+
+"Not he, indeed, Misther Doyle!" said the widow.
+
+"Arrah, woman, don't be talkin' your balderdash to me," said Doyle;
+"sure you took my good money for your hay!"
+
+"And sure I gave all I had to you--what more could I do?"
+
+"Tare an' ounty, woman! who ever heerd of sich a thing as coverin' up a
+rock wid hay, and sellin' it as the rale thing?"
+
+"'T was Andy done it, Mr. Doyle; hand, act, or part, I hadn't in it."
+
+"Why, then, aren't you ashamed o' yourself?" said Owny Doyle,
+addressing Andy.
+
+"Why would I be ashamed?" said Andy.
+
+"For chatin'--that's the word, since you provoke me."
+
+"What I done is not chatin'," said Andy. "I had a blessed example for
+it."
+
+"Oh! do you hear this!" shouted Owny, nearly provoked to take the worth
+of his money out of Andy's ribs.
+
+"Yes, I say a blessed example," said Andy. "Sure, didn't the blessed
+Saint Peter build his church upon a rock, and why shouldn't I build my
+cock o' hay on a rock?"
+
+Owny, with all his rage, could not help laughing at the ridiculous
+conceit. "By this and that, Andy," said he, "you're always sayin' or
+doin' the quarest things in the counthry, bad cess to you!" So he laid
+his whip upon his little hack instead of Andy, and galloped off.
+
+Andy went over the next day to the neighbouring town, where Owny Doyle
+kept a little inn and a couple of post-chaises (such as they were), and
+expressed much sorrow that Owny had been deceived by the appearance of
+the hay; "but I'll pay you the differ out o' my wages, Misther
+Doyle--in throth I will--that is, whenever I have any wages to get: for
+the Squire turned me off, you see, and I'm out of place at this
+present."
+
+"Oh, never mind it," said Owny. "Sure, it was the widow woman got the
+money, and I don't begrudge it; and now that it's all past and gone, I
+forgive you. But tell me, Andy, what put such a quare thing into your
+head?"
+
+"Why, you see," said Andy, "I didn't like the poor mother's pride
+should be let down in the eyes o' the neighbours; and so I made the
+weeshy bit o' hay look as dacent as I could--but, at the same time, I
+wouldn't chate any one for the world, Misther Doyle."
+
+"Throth, I b'lieve you wouldn't, Andy; but, 'pon my sowl, the next time
+I go buy hay, I'll take care that Saint Pether hasn't any hand in it."
+
+Owny turned on his heel, and was walking away with that air of satisfaction
+which men so commonly assume after fancying they have said a good
+thing, when Andy interrupted his retreat by an interjectional "Misther
+Doyle?"
+
+"Well," said Owny, looking over his shoulder.
+
+"I was thinkin', sir," said Andy.
+
+"For the first time in your life, I b'lieve," said Owny: "and what was
+it you wor thinkin'?"
+
+"I was thinkin' o' dhrivin' a chay, sir."
+
+"And what's that to me?" said Owny.
+
+"Sure I might dhrive one o' your chaises."
+
+"And kill more o' my horses, Andy--eh? No, no, faix, I'm afeer'd o'
+you, Andy."
+
+[Illustration: The Reward of Humanity]
+
+"Not a boy in Ireland knows dhrivin' betther nor me, any way," said
+Andy.
+
+"Faix, it's any way and every way but the way you ought you'd dhrive,
+sure enough, I b'lieve: but, at all events, I don't want a post-boy,
+Andy--I have Micky Doolin, and his brother Pether, and them's enough
+for me.
+
+"Maybe you'd be wantin' a helper in the stable, Misther Doyle?"
+
+"No, Andy; but the first time I want to make hay to advantage, I'll
+send for you," said Owny, laughing, as he entered his house, and
+nodding at Andy, who returned a capacious grin to Owny's shrewd smile,
+like the exaggerated reflection of a concave mirror. But the grin soon
+subsided, for men seldom prolong the laugh that is raised at their own
+expense; and the corners of Andy's mouth turned down as his hand turned
+up to the back of his head, which he rubbed, as he sauntered down the
+street from Owny Doyle's.
+
+It was some miles to Andy's home, and night over-took him on the way.
+As he trudged along in the middle of the road he was looking up at a
+waning moon and some few stars twinkling through the gloom, absorbed in
+many sublime thoughts as to their existence, and wondering what they
+were made of, when his cogitations were cut short by tumbling over
+something which lay in the middle of the highway; and on scrambling to
+his legs again, and seeking to investigate the cause of his fall, he
+was rather surprised to find a man lying in such a state of insensibility
+that all Andy's efforts could not rouse him. While he was standing over
+him, undecided as to what he should do, the sound of approaching
+wheels, and the rapid steps of galloping horses, attracted his
+attention; and it became evident that unless the chaise and pair which
+he now saw in advance were brought to pull up, the cares of the man in
+the middle of the road would be very soon over. Andy shouted lustily,
+but to his every "Halloo there!" the crack of the whip replied, and
+accelerated speed instead of a halt was the consequence; at last, in
+desperation, Andy planted himself in the middle of the road, and with
+out-spread arms before the horses, succeeded in arresting their
+progress, while he shouted "Stop!" at the top of his voice.
+
+A pistol-shot from the chaise was the consequence of Andy's summons,
+for a certain Mr. Furlong, a foppish young gentleman, travelling from
+the castle of Dublin, never dreamed that a humane purpose could produce
+the cry of "Stop," on a _horrid Irish_ road; and as he was reared
+in the ridiculous belief that every man ran a great risk of his life
+who ventured outside the city of Dublin, he travelled with a brace of
+loaded pistols beside him; and as he had been anticipating murder and
+robbery ever since nightfall, he did not await the demand for his
+"money or his life" to defend both, but fired away the instant he heard
+the word "Stop!" and fortunate it was for Andy that the traveller's
+hurry impaired his aim. Before he could discharge a second pistol, Andy
+had screened himself under the horses' heads; and recognising in the
+postilion his friend Micky Doolin, he shouted out, "Micky, jewel, don't
+let them be shootin' me!"
+
+Now Micky's cares were quite enough engaged on his own account: for the
+first pistol-shot made the horses plunge violently, and the second time
+Furlong blazed away set the saddle-horse kicking at such a rate, that
+all Micky's horsemanship was required to preserve his seat; added to
+which, the dread of being shot came over him, and he crouched low on
+the grey's neck, holding fast by the mane, and shouting for mercy as
+well as Andy, who still kept roaring to Mick, "not to let them be
+shootin' him," while he held his hat above him, in the fashion of a
+shield, as if that would have proved any protection against a bullet.
+"Who are you at all?" said Mick.
+
+"Andy Rooney, sure."
+
+"And what do you want?"
+
+"To save the man's life."
+
+The last words only caught the ear of the frightened Furlong; and as
+the phrase "his life" seemed a personal threat to himself, he swore a
+trembling oath at the postilion that he would shoot him if he did not
+_dwive_ on, for he abjured the use of that rough letter, R, which
+the Irish so much rejoice in. "Dwive on, you wascal, dwive on!"
+exclaimed Mr. Furlong.
+
+"There's no fear o' you, sir," said Micky, "it's a friend o' my own."
+
+Mr. Furlong was not quite satisfied that he was therefore the safer.
+
+"And what is it at all, Andy?" continued Mick.
+
+"I tell you there's a man lying dead in the road here, and sure you'll
+kill him, if you dhrive over him."
+
+"How could I kill him any more than he _is_ kilt," says Mick, "if
+he's dead already?"
+
+"Well, no matther for that," says Andy. "'Light off your horse, will
+you, and help me to rise him?"
+
+Mick dismounted, and assisted Andy in lifting the prostrate man from
+the centre of the road to the slope of turf which bordered its side.
+They judged he was not dead, however, from the warmth of the body; but
+that he should still sleep seemed astonishing, considering the quantity
+of shaking and kicking they gave him.
+
+"I b'lieve it's drunk he is," said Mick.
+
+"He gave a grunt that time," said Andy; "shake him again, and he'll
+spake."
+
+To a fresh shaking the drunken man at last gave some tokens of returning
+consciousness, by making several winding blows at his benefactors, and
+uttering some half-intelligent maledictions.
+
+"Bad luck to you, do you know where you are?" said Mick.
+
+"Well!" was the drunken ejaculation.
+
+"By this and that, it's my brother Pether," said Mick. "We wondhered
+what had kept him so late with the return shay, and this is the way it
+is. He tumbled off his horses, dhrunk: and where's the shay, I wondher?
+Oh, murdher! what will Misther Doyle say?"
+
+"What's the weason you don't dwive on?" said Mr. Furlong, putting his
+head out of the chaise.
+
+"It's one on the road here, your honour, almost killed."
+
+"Was it wobbers?" asked Mr. Furlong.
+
+"Maybe you'd take him into the shay wid you, sir?"
+
+"What a wequest!--dwive on, sir!"
+
+"Sure I can't lave my brother on the road, sir."
+
+"_Your_ bwother!--and you pwesume to put your bwother to wide with me?
+You'll put me in the debdest wage if you don't dwive on."
+
+"'Faith, then, I won't dhrive on and lave my brother here on the road."
+
+"You rascally wappawee!" exclaimed Furlong.
+
+"See, Andy," said Micky Doolan; "will you get up and dhrive him, while
+I stay with Pether?"
+
+"To be sure I will," said Andy; "where is he goin'?"
+
+"To the Squire's," said Mick; "and when you lave him there, make haste
+back, and I'll dhrive Pether home."
+
+Andy mounted into Mick's saddle; and although the traveller "pwotested"
+against it, and threatened "pwoceedings" and "magistrates," Mick was
+unmoved in his brotherly love. As a last remonstrance, Furlong
+exclaimed, "And pewhaps this fellow can't wide, and don't know the
+woad."
+
+"Is it not know the road to the Squire's?--wow! wow!" said Andy. "It's
+I that'll rattle you there in no time, your honour."
+
+"Well, wattle away then!" said the enraged traveller, as he threw
+himself back in the chaise, cursing all the postilions in Ireland.
+
+Now, it was to Squire O'Grady's that Mr. Furlong wanted to go; but in
+the confusion of the moment the name of O'Grady never once was
+mentioned; and with the title of "Squire," Andy never associated
+another idea than that of his late master, Mr. Egan.
+
+Mr. Furlong, it has been stated, was an official of Dublin Castle, and
+had been despatched on electioneering business to the country. He was
+related to a gentleman of the same name who held a lucrative post under
+government, and was well known as an active agent in all affairs
+requiring what in Ireland was called "Castle influence;" and this,
+his relative, was now despatched, for the first time, on a similar
+employment. By the way, while his name is before one, a little anecdote
+may be appropriately introduced, illustrative of the wild waggery
+prevailing in the streets of Dublin in those days.
+
+Those days were the good old days of true virtue! When a bishop who had
+daughters to marry, would advance a deserving young curate to a good
+living, and, not content with _that_ manifestation of his regard,
+would give him _one of his own children_ for a wife! Those were
+the days when, the country being in danger, fathers were willing to
+sacrifice, not only their sons, but their daughters on the altar of
+patriotism! Do you doubt it?--unbelieving and selfish creatures of
+these degenerate times! Listen! A certain father waited upon the Irish
+Secretary, one fine morning, and in that peculiar strain which
+secretaries of state must be pretty well used to, descanted at some
+length on the devotion he had always shown to the government, and yet
+they had given him no _proof of their confidence_. The Secretary
+declared they had the highest sense of his merits, and that they had
+given him their entire confidence.
+
+"But you have given me nothing else, my lord," was the answer.
+
+"My dear sir, of late we have not had any proof of sufficient weight in
+our gift to convince you."
+
+"Oh, I beg your pardon, my lord; there's a majority of the ---- dragoons
+vacant."
+
+"Very true, my dear sir; and if you _had_ a child to devote to the
+service of your country, no one should have the majority sooner."
+
+"Thank you, my lord," said the worthy man with a low bow; "then I
+_have_ a child."
+
+"Bless me, sir! I never heard you had a son."
+
+"No, my lord, but I have a daughter."
+
+"A daughter!" said my Lord Secretary, with a look of surprise; "but you
+forget, sir--this is a regiment--a _dragoon_ regiment."
+
+"Oh, she rides elegant," said her father.
+
+"But, my dear sir--a woman?"
+
+"Why shouldn't a woman do her duty, my lord, as well as a man, when the
+country is in danger? I'm ready to sacrifice my daughter," said the
+heroic man, with an air worthy of Virginius.
+
+"My dear sir, this is really impossible; you _know_ it's
+impossible."
+
+"I know no such thing, my lord. But I'll tell you what I know: there's
+a bill coming on next week--and there are _ten friends of mine_
+who have not made up their minds yet."
+
+"My dear sir," said the Lord Secretary, squeezing his hand with
+vehement friendship, "why place us in this dreadful difficulty? It
+would be impossible even to draw up the commission;--fancy, 'Major
+_Maria_,' or 'Major _Margery_'!"
+
+"Oh, my lord," said my father quickly, "I have fancied all that long
+ago, and got a cure ready for it. My wife not having been blessed with
+boys, we thought it wise to make the girls ready for any chance that
+might turn up, and so we christened the eldest George, the second Jack,
+and the third Tom; which enables us to call them Georgina, Jacqueline,
+and Thomasine, in company, while the secret of their real names rests
+between ourselves and the parish register. Now, my lord, what do you
+say? I have George, Jack, and Tom--think of your _bill_!" The argument
+was conclusive, and the patriotic man got the majority of a cavalry
+corps, with perpetual leave of absence, for his daughter Jack, who
+would much rather have joined the regiment.
+
+Such were the days in which our Furlong flourished; and in such days it
+will not be wondered at that a Secretary, when he had no place to give
+away, invented one. The old saying has it, that "Necessity is the
+mother of invention;" but an Irish Secretary can beat necessity hollow.
+For example--
+
+A commission was issued, with a handsome salary to the commissioner, to
+make a measurement through all the streets of Dublin, ascertaining the
+exact distances from the Castle, from a furlong upwards: and for many a
+year did the commission work, inserting handsome stone slabs into walls
+of most ignorant houses, till then unconscious of their precise
+proximity or remoteness from the seat of government. Ever after that,
+if you saw some portly building, blushing in the pride of red brick,
+and perfumed with fresh paint, and saw the tablet recording the
+interesting fact thus--
+
+                         +------------------+
+                         | FROM THE CASTLE, |
+                         |   ONE FURLONG.   |
+                         +------------------+
+
+Fancy might suggest that the house rejoiced, as it were, in its honoured
+position, and did
+
+    --"look so fine, and smell so sweet,"
+
+because it was under the nose of viceroyalty, while the suburbs
+revealed poor tatterdemalion tenements, dropping their slates like
+tears, and uttering their hollow sighs through empty casements, merely
+because they were "one mile two furlongs from the Castle." But the new
+stone tablet which told you so seemed to mock their misery, and looked
+like a fresh stab into their poor old sides; as if the rapier of a king
+had killed a beggar.
+
+This very original measure of measurement was provocative of ridicule
+or indignation, as the impatient might happen to be infected; but while
+the affair was in full blow, Mr. Furlong, who was the commissioner,
+while walking in Sackville-street, one day, had a goodly sheet of paper
+pinned to his back by some--
+
+    --"sweet Roman hand,"
+
+bearing, in large letters, the inversion of one of his own tablets,
+
+                         +------------------+
+                         |   ONE FURLONG    |
+                         | FROM THE CASTLE. |
+                         +------------------+
+
+and as he swaggered along in conscious dignity, he wondered at the
+shouts of laughter ringing behind him, and turned round occasionally to
+see the cause; but ever as he turned, faces were screwed up into
+seriousness, while the laughter rang again in his rear. Furlong was
+bewildered, and much as he was used to the mirthfulness of an Irish
+populace, he certainly _did_ wonder what fiend of fun possessed them
+that day, until the hall porter of the secretary's office solved the
+enigma by respectfully asking would he not take the placard from his
+back before he presented himself. The Mister Furlong who is engaged in
+our story was the nephew of the man of measurement memory; and his
+mother, a vulgar woman, sent her son to England to be educated, that he
+might "pick up the ax'nt; 't was so jinteel, the Inglish ax'nt!" And,
+accordingly, the youth endeavoured all he could to become _un_-Irish in
+everything, and was taught to believe that all the virtue and wisdom in
+Ireland was vested in the Castle and hangers-on thereof, and that the
+mere people were worse than savages.
+
+With such feelings it was that this English Irishman, employed to open
+negotiations between the government and Squire O'Grady, visited the
+wilds of Ireland; and the circumstances attendant on the stopping of
+the chaise afforded the peculiar genius of Handy Andy an opportunity of
+making a glorious confusion, by driving the political enemy of the
+sitting member into his house, where, by a curious coincidence, a
+strange gentleman was expected every day on a short visit. After Andy
+had driven some time, he turned round and spoke to Mr. Furlong, through
+the pane of glass with which the front window-frame of the chaise was
+_not_ furnished.
+
+"Faix, you wor nigh shootin' me, your honour," said Andy.
+
+"I should not wepwoach myself, if I had," said Mr. Furlong, "when you
+quied stop on the woad: wobbers always qui stop, and I took you for a
+wobber."
+
+"Faix, the robbers here, your honour, never axes you to stop at all,
+but they stop you without axin', or by your lave, or wid your lave.
+Sure, I was only afeerd you'd dhrive over the man in the road."
+
+"What was that man in the woad doing?"
+
+"Nothin' at all, 'faith, for he wasn't able; he was dhrunk, sir."
+
+"The postilion said he was his bwother."
+
+"Yis, your honour, and he's a postilion himself--only he lost his
+horses and the shay--he got dhrunk, and fell off."
+
+"Those wascally postilions often get dwunk, I suppose?"
+
+"Oh, common enough, sir, particular now about the 'lection time; for
+the gentlemin is dhrivin' over the country like mad, right and left,
+and gives the boys money to dhrink their health, till they are killed
+a'most with the falls they get."
+
+"Then postilions often fall on the woads here?"
+
+"Throth, the roads is covered with them sometimes, when the 'lections
+comes an."
+
+"What howwid immowality! I hope you're not dwunk?"
+
+"Faix, I wish I was!" said Andy. "It's a great while since I had a
+dhrop; but it won't be long so, when your honour gives me something to
+dhrink your health."
+
+"Well, don't talk, but dwive on."
+
+All Andy's further endeavours to get "his honour" into conversation
+were unavailing; so he whipped on in silence till his arrival at the
+gate-house of Merryvale demanded his call for entrance.
+
+"What are you shouting there for?" said the traveller; "cawn't you
+wing?"
+
+"Oh, they understand the _shilloo_ as well, sir;" and in confirmation
+of Andy's assurance, the bars of the entrance gates were withdrawn, and
+the post-chaise rattled up the avenue to the house.
+
+Andy alighted, and gave a thundering tantara-ra at the door. The
+servant who opened it was surprised at the sight of Andy, and could not
+repress a shout of wonder. Here Dick Dawson came into the hall, and
+seeing Andy at the door, gave a loud halloo, and clapped his hands in
+delight--for he had not seen him since the day of the chase.
+
+"An' is it there you are again, you unlucky vagabone?" said Dick; "and
+what brings you here?"
+
+"I come with a jintleman to the masther, Misther Dick."
+
+"Oh, it's the visitor, I suppose," said Dick, as he himself went out,
+with that unceremonious readiness so characteristic of the wild fellow
+he was, to open the door of the chaise for his brother-in-law's guest.
+
+"You're welcome," said Dick; "come, step in--the servants will look to
+your luggage. James, get in Mr. ----, I beg your pardon, but 'pon my
+soul, I forgot your name, though Moriarty told me."
+
+"Mr. Furlong," gently uttered the youth.
+
+"Get in the luggage, James. Come, sir, walk into the dinner-room: we
+haven't finished our wine yet." With these words Dick ushered in
+Furlong to the apartment where Squire Egan sat, who rose as they
+entered. "Mr. Furlong, Ned," said Dick.
+
+"Happy to see you, Mr. Furlong," said the hearty Squire, who shook
+Furlong's hand in what Furlong considered a most savage manner. "You
+seem fatigued?"
+
+"Vewy," was the languid reply of the traveller, as he threw himself
+into a chair.
+
+"Ring the bell for more claret, Dick," said Squire Egan.
+
+"I neveh dwink."
+
+Dick and the Squire both looked at him with amazement, for in the
+friend of Moriarty they expected to find a hearty fellow.
+
+"A cool bottle wouldn't do a child any harm," said the Squire. "Ring,
+Dick. And now, Mr. Furlong, tell us how you like the country."
+
+"Not much, I pwotest."
+
+"What do you think of the people?"
+
+"Oh, I don't know:--you'll pawdon me, but--a--in short there are so
+many wags."
+
+"Oh, there are wags enough, I grant; not funnier d----ls in the world."
+
+"But I mean _wags_--tatters, I mean."
+
+"Oh, rags. Oh, yes--why, indeed, they've not much clothes to spare."
+
+"And yet these wetches are fweeholders, I'm told."
+
+"Ay, and stout voters too."
+
+"Well, that's all we wequire. By-the-bye, how goes on the canvass,
+Squire?"
+
+"Famously."
+
+"Oh, wait till I explain to you our plan of opewations from head-qwaters.
+You'll see how famously we shall wally at the hustings. These _Iwish_
+have no idea of tactics: we'll intwoduce the English mode--take them by
+supwise. We _must_ unseat him."
+
+"Unseat who?" said the Squire.
+
+"That--a--Egan, I think you call him."
+
+The Squire opened his eyes; but Dick, with the ready devilment that was
+always about him, saw how the land lay in an instant, and making a
+signal to his brother-in-law, chimed in with an immediate assent to
+Furlong's assertion, and swore that Egan would be unseated to a
+certainty. "Come, sir," added Dick, "fill one bumper at least to a
+toast I propose. Here's 'Confusion to Egan, and success to O'Grady.'"
+
+"Success to O'Gwady," faintly echoed Furlong, as he sipped his claret.
+"These _Iwish_ are so wild--so uncultivated," continued he; "you'll see
+how I'll supwise them with some of my plans."
+
+"Oh, they're poor ignorant brutes," said Dick, "that know nothing: a
+man of the world like you would buy and sell them."
+
+"You see, they've no finesse: they have a certain degwee of weadiness,
+but no depth--no weal finesse."
+
+"Not as much as would physic a snipe," said Dick, who swallowed a glass
+of claret to conceal a smile.
+
+"What's that you say about snipes and physic?" said Furlong; "what
+queer things you _Iwish_ do say."
+
+"Oh, we've plenty o' queer fellows here," said Dick; "but you are not
+taking your claret."
+
+"The twuth is, I am fatigued--vewy--and if you'd allow me, Mr. O'Gwady,
+I should like to go to my woom; we'll talk over business to-mowwow."
+
+"Certainly," said the Squire, who was glad to get rid of him, for the
+scene was becoming too much for his gravity. So Dick Dawson lighted
+Furlong to his room, and after heaping civilities upon him, left him to
+sleep in the camp of his enemies, and then returned to the dining-room,
+to enjoy with the Squire the laugh they were so long obliged to repress,
+and to drink another bottle of claret on the strength of the joke.
+
+"What shall we do with him, Dick?" said the Squire.
+
+"Pump him as dry as a lime-kiln," said Dick, "and then send him off to
+O'Grady--all's fair in war."
+
+"To be sure," said the Squire. "Unseat me, indeed! he was near it, sure
+enough, for I thought I'd have dropped off my chair with surprise when
+he said it."
+
+"And the conceit and impudence of the fellow," said Dick. "The ignorant
+_Iwish_--nothing will serve him but abusing his own countrymen! 'The
+ignorant Irish!'--oh, is that all you learn in Oxford, my boy?--just wait,
+my buck--if I don't astonish your weak mind, it's no matter!"
+
+"'Faith, he has brought his pigs to a pretty market here," said the
+Squire; "but how _did_ he come here? how was the mistake made?"
+
+"The way every mistake in the country is made," said Dick. "Handy Andy
+drove him here."
+
+"More power to you, Andy," said the Squire. "Come, Dick, we'll drink
+Andy's health--this is a mistake on the right side."
+
+And Andy's health _was_ drunk, as well as several other healths. In
+short, the Squire and Dick the Devil were in high glee--the dining-room
+rang with laughter to a late hour; and the next morning a great many
+empty claret bottles were on the table--and a few on the floor.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+
+Notwithstanding the deep potations of the Squire and Dick Dawson the
+night before, both were too much excited by the arrival of Furlong to
+permit their being laggards in the morning; they were up and in
+consultation at an early hour, for the purpose of carrying on
+prosperously the mystification so well begun on the Castle-agent.
+
+"Now, first of all, Dick," said the Squire, "is it fair, do you think?"
+
+"Fair!" said Dick, opening his eyes in astonishment. "Why who ever
+heard of any one questioning anything being fair in love, or war, or
+electioneering? To be sure, it's fair--and more particularly when the
+conceited coxcomb has been telling us how he'll astonish with his plans
+the poor ignorant Irish, whom he holds in such contempt. Now, let me
+alone, and I'll get all his plans out of him, turn him inside out like
+a glove, pump him as dry as a pond in the summer, squeeze him like a
+lemon--and let him see whether the poor ignorant _Iwish_, as he softly
+calls us, are not an overmatch for him at the finesse upon which he
+seems so much to pride himself."
+
+"Egad! I believe you're right, Dick," said the Squire, whose qualms
+were quite overcome by the argument last advanced; for if one thing
+more than another provoked him, it was the impertinent self-conceit of
+presuming and shallow strangers, who fancied their hackneyed and
+cut-and-dry knowledge of the common-places of the world gave them a
+mental elevation above an intelligent people of primitive habits, whose
+simplicity of life is so often set down to stupidity, whose contentment
+under privation is frequently attributed to laziness, and whose poverty
+is constantly coupled with the epithet "ignorant." "A poor ignorant
+creature," indeed, is a common term of reproach, as if poverty and
+ignorance must be inseparable. If a list could be obtained of the
+_rich_ ignorant people, it would be no flattering document to stick on
+the door of the temple of Mammon.
+
+"Well, Ned," said Dick, "as you agree to _do_ the Englishman, Murphy
+will be a grand help to us; it is the very thing he will have his heart
+in. Murtough will be worth his weight in gold to us; I will ride over
+to him and bring him back with me to spend the day here; and you, in
+the mean time, can put every one about the house on their guard not to
+spoil the fun by letting the cat out of the bag too soon; we'll _shake
+her_ ourselves in good time, and maybe we won't have fun in the hunt!"
+
+"You're right, Dick. Murphy is the very man for our money. Do you be
+off for him, and I will take care that all shall be right at home
+here."
+
+In ten minutes more Dick was in his saddle, and riding hard for
+Murtough Murphy's. A good horse and a sharp pair of spurs were not long
+in placing him _vis-a-vis_ with the merry attorney, whom he found in
+his stable-yard up to his eyes in business with some ragged country
+fellows, the majority of whom were loud in vociferating their praises
+of certain dogs; while Murtough drew from one of them, from time to
+time, a solemn assurance, given with many significant shakes of the
+head, and uplifting of hands and eyes, "that was the finest badger in
+the world!" Murtough turned his head on hearing the rattle of the
+horse's feet, as Dick the Devil dashed into the stable-yard, and with a
+view-halloo welcomed him.
+
+"You're just in time, Dick. By the powers! we'll have the finest day's
+sport you've seen for some time."
+
+"I think we shall," said Dick, "if you come with me."
+
+"No; but you come with me," said Murtough. "The grandest badger-fight,
+sir."
+
+"Pooh!" returned Dick; "I've better fun for you." He then told them of
+the accident that conveyed their political enemy into their toils; "and
+the beauty of it is," said Dick, "that he has not the remotest suspicion
+of the condition he's in, and fancies himself able to buy and sell all
+Ireland--horse-dealers and attorneys included."
+
+"That's elegant!" said Murphy.
+
+"He's come to enlighten us, Murtough," said Dick.
+
+"And maybe, we won't return the compliment," said Murtough. "Just let me
+put on my boots. Hilloa, you Larry! saddle the grey. Don't you cut the
+pup's ears till I come home! and if Mr. Ferguson sends over for the
+draft of the lease, tell him it won't be ready till to-morrow. Molly!
+Molly! where are you, you old divil? Sew on that button for me--I forgot
+to tell you yesterday--make haste! I won't delay you a moment, Dick.
+Stop a minute, though. I say, Lanty Houligan--mind, on your peril, you
+old vagabone, don't let them fight that badger without me. Now, Dick,
+I'll be with you in the twinkling of a bedpost, and _do_ the Englishman,
+and that smart! Bad luck to their conceit! they think we can do nothing
+regular in Ireland."
+
+On his arrival at Merryvale and hearing how matters stood, Murtough
+Murphy was in a perfect agony of delight in anticipating the
+mystification of the kidnapped agent. Dick's intention had been to take
+him along with them on their canvass, and openly engage him in all their
+electioneering movements; but to this Murphy objected, as running too
+great a risk of discovery. He recommended rather to engage Furlong in
+amusements which would detain him from O'Grady and his party, and gain
+time for their side; and get out of him all the electioneering plot of
+the other party, _indirectly_; but to have as little _real_ electioneering
+business as possible. "If you do, Dick," said Murphy, "take my word, we
+shall betray ourselves somehow or other--he could not be so soft as not
+to see it; but let us be content to amuse him with all sorts of absurd
+stories of Ireland--and the Irish--tell him magnificent lies--astonish
+him with grand materials for a note-book, and work him up to
+publish--that's the plan, sir!"
+
+The three conspirators now joined the family party, which had just sat
+down to breakfast; Dick, in his own jolly way, hoped Furlong had slept
+well.
+
+"Vewy," said Furlong, as he sipped his tea with an air of peculiar
+_nonchalance_ which was meant to fascinate Fanny Dawson, who, when
+Furlong addressed to her his first silly common-place, with his peculiar
+_non_-pronunciation of the letter R, established a lisp directly, and it
+was as much as her sister, Mrs. Egan, could do to keep her countenance,
+as Fanny went on slaughtering the S's as fast as Furlong ruined R's.
+
+"I'll twouble you for a little mo' queam," said he, holding forth his
+cup and saucer with an affected air.
+
+"Perhapth you'd like thum more theugar," lisped Fanny, lifting the
+sugar-tongs with an exquisite curl of her little finger.
+
+"I'm glad to hear you slept well," said Dick to Furlong.
+
+"To be sure he slept well," said Murphy; "this is the sleepiest air in
+the world."
+
+"The sleepiest air?" returned Furlong, somewhat surprised. "That's vewy
+odd."
+
+"Not at all, sir," said Murphy; "well known fact. When I first came
+to this part of the country, I used to sleep for two days together
+sometimes. Whenever I wanted to rise early, I was always obliged to get
+up the night before."
+
+This was said by the brazen attorney, from his seat at a side-table,
+which was amply provided with a large dish of boiled potatoes, capacious
+jugs of milk, a quantity of cold meat and game. Murphy had his mouth
+half filled with potatoes as he spoke, and swallowed a large draught of
+milk as the stranger swallowed Murphy's lie.
+
+"You don't eat potatoes, I perceive, sir," said Murphy.
+
+"Not for bweakfast," said Furlong.
+
+"Do you for thupper?" lisped Fanny.
+
+"Never in England," he replied.
+
+"Finest things in the world, sir, for the intellect," said Murphy. "I
+attribute the natural intelligence of the Irish entirely to their eating
+them."
+
+"Oh, they are thometimes tho thleepy at the Cathtle," said Fanny.
+
+"Weally!" said the exquisite, with the utmost simplicity.
+
+"Fanny is very provoking, Mr. Furlong," said Mrs. Egan, who was obliged
+to say something with a smile, to avoid the laugh which continued
+silence would have forced upon her.
+
+"Oh, no!" said the dandy, looking tenderly at Fanny; "only vewy
+agweable--fond of a little wepa'tee."
+
+"They call me thatirical here," said Fanny, "only fanthy!" and she cast
+down her eyes with an exquisite affectation of innocence.
+
+"By-the-bye, when does your post awive here--the mail I mean?" said
+Furlong.
+
+"About nine in the morning," said the Squire.
+
+"And when does it go out?"
+
+"About one in the afternoon."
+
+"And how far is the post town fwom your house?"
+
+"About eight or nine miles."
+
+"Then you can answer your letters by wetu'n of post?"
+
+"Oh dear, no!" said the Squire; "the boy takes any letters that may be
+for the post the following morning, as he goes to the town to look for
+letters."
+
+"But you lose a post by that," said Furlong.
+
+"And what matter?" said the Squire.
+
+The official's notions of regularity were somewhat startled by the
+Squire's answer; so he pushed him with a few more questions. In reply
+to one of the last, the Squire represented that the post-boy was saved
+going twice a day by the present arrangement.
+
+"Ay, but you lose a post, my dear sir," said Furlong, who still clung
+with pertinacity to the fitness of saving a post. "Don't you see that
+you might weceive your letter at half-past ten; well, then you'll have
+a full hour to wite you' answer; that's quite enough time, I should
+think, for you wetu'ning an answer."
+
+"But, my dear sir," said Murtough Murphy, "our grand object in Ireland
+is _not_ to answer letters."
+
+"Oh!--ah!--hum!--indeed!--well, that's odd; how _vewy_ odd you
+Iwish are!"
+
+"Sure, that's what makes us such pleasant fellows," said Murtough. "If
+we were like the rest of the world, there would be nothing remarkable
+about us; and who'd care for us?"
+
+"Well, Mr. Muffy, you say such queer things--weally."
+
+"Ay, and I _do_ queer things sometimes--don't I, Squire?"
+
+"There's no denying it, Murphy."
+
+"Now, Mr. O'Gwady," said Furlong, "had we not better talk over our
+election business?"
+
+"Oh, hang business to-day!" said Murphy: "let's have some fishing: I'll
+show you such salmon-fishing as you never saw in your life."
+
+"What do _you_ say, Mr. O'Gwady?" said Furlong.
+
+"'Faith, I think we might as well amuse ourselves."
+
+"But the election is weally of such consequence; I should think it would
+be a wema'kably close contest, and we have no time to lose; I should
+think--with submission----"
+
+"My dear sir," said Murphy, "we'll beat them hollow: our canvass has
+been most prosperous; there's only one thing I'm afraid of."
+
+"What's that?" said Furlong.
+
+"That Egan has money; and I'm afraid he'll bribe high."
+
+"As for bwibewy, neve' mind that," said Furlong, with a very wise nod of
+his head and a sagacious wink. "_We'll spend money too._ We're pwepawed
+for that: plenty of money will be advanced, for the gov'nment is weally
+anxious that Mr. Scatte'bwain should come in."
+
+"Oh, then, all's right?" said Murphy. "But--whisper--Mr. Furlong--be
+cautious how you mention _money_, for there are sharp fellows about
+here, and there's no knowing how the wind of the word might put the
+other party on their guard, and, maybe, help to unseat our man upon a
+petition."
+
+"Oh, let me alone," said Furlong. "I know a twick too many for that: let
+them catch me betwaying a secwet!  No, no--_wather_ too sharp for that!"
+
+"Oh! don't suppose, my dear sir," said Murphy, "that I doubt your
+caution for a moment. I see, sir, in the twinkling of an eye, a man's
+character--always did--always could, since I was the height o' that;"
+and Murphy stooped down and extended his hand about two feet above the
+floor, while he looked up in the face of the man he was humbugging with
+the most unblushing impudence--"since I was the height o' that, sir, I
+had a natural quickness for discerning character; and I see you're a
+young gentleman of superior acuteness and discretion; but, at the same
+time, don't be angry with me for just hinting to you, that some of these
+Irish chaps are d----d rogues. I beg your pardon, Mrs. O'Grady, for
+saying d----n before a lady;" and he made a low bow to Mrs. Egan, who
+was obliged to leave the room to hide her laughter.
+
+"Now," said Furlong, "suppose befo'e the opening of the poll, we should
+pwopose, as it were, with a view to save time, that the bwibery oath
+should not be administe'd on either side."
+
+"That's an elegant idea!" said Murphy. "By the wig o' the chief
+justice--and that's a big oath--you're a janius, Misther Furlong, and I
+admire you. Sir, you're worth your weight in gold to us!"
+
+"Oh, you flatte' me!--weally," said Furlong, with affected modesty,
+while he ran his fingers through his Macassar-oiled ringlets.
+
+"Well, now for a start to the river, and won't we have sport! You
+English-taught gentlemen have only one fault on the face of the
+earth--you're too fond of business--you make yourselves slaves to
+propriety--there's no fun in you."
+
+"I beg pawdon--there," said Furlong, "we like fun in good time."
+
+"Ay; but there's where we beat you," said Murphy, triumphantly; "the
+genuine home-bred Paddy makes time for fun sooner than anything else--we
+take our own way, and live the longer."
+
+"Ah! you lose your time--though--excuse me; you lose your time, indeed."
+
+"Well, 'divil may care,' as Punch said when he lost mass, 'there's more
+churches nor one,' says he, and that's the way with us," said Murphy.
+"Come, Dick, get the fishing-lines ready; heigh for the salmon-fishery!
+You must know, Misther Furlong, we fish for salmon with line here."
+
+"I don't see how you could fish any other way," said the dandy, smiling
+at Murphy, as if he had caught him in saying something absurd.
+
+"Ah, you rogue," said Murphy, affecting to be hit; "you're too sharp
+for us poor Irish fellows; but you know the old saying, 'An Irishman
+has leave to speak twice;' but, after all, it's no great mistake I've
+made: for when I say we fish for salmon with a line, I mean we don't
+use a rod, but a leaded line, the same as in sea-fishing."
+
+"How vewy extwao'dinary! Why, I should think that impossible."
+
+"And why should it be impossible?" said Murphy, with the most unabashed
+impudence. "Have not all nations habits and customs peculiar to
+themselves? Don't the English catch their fish by striking them under
+water with a long rough stick, and a little cur-whibble of a bone at
+the end of it?"
+
+"Speawing them, you mean," said Furlong.
+
+"Ay, you know the right name, of course; but isn't that quite as odd,
+or more so than our way here?"
+
+"That's vewy twue indeed; but your sea-line fishing in a wiver, and for
+salmon, strikes me as vewy singular."
+
+"Well, sir, the older we grow the more we learn. You'll see what fine
+sport it is; but don't lose any more time: let us be off to the river
+at once."
+
+"I'll make a slight change in my dwess, if you please--I'll be down
+immediately;" and Furlong left the room.
+
+During his absence, the Squire, Dick, and Murphy, enjoyed a hearty
+laugh, and ran over the future proceedings of the day.
+
+"But what do you mean by this salmon-fishing, Murphy?" said Dick; "you
+know there never was a salmon in the river."
+
+"But there will be to-day," said Murphy; "and a magnificent gudgeon
+will see him caught. What a spoon that fellow is!--we've got the
+bribery out of him already."
+
+"You did that well, Murphy," said the Squire.
+
+"Be at him again when he comes down," said Dick.
+
+"No, no," said Murphy, "let him alone; he is so conceited about his
+talent for business, that he will be talking of it without our pushing
+him: just give him rope enough, and he'd hang himself; _we'll have the
+whole of their campaign out before the day is over_."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+
+All men love to gain their ends; most men are contented with the
+shortest road to them, while others like by-paths. Some carry an innate
+love of triumph to a pitch of epicurism, and are not content unless the
+triumph be achieved in a certain way, making collateral passions
+accessories before or after the fact; and Murphy was one of the number.
+To him, a triumph without _fun_ was beef without mustard, lamb without
+salad, turbot without lobster sauce. Now, to entangle Furlong in their
+meshes was not sufficient for him; to detain him from his friends, every
+moment betraying something of their electioneering movements, though
+sufficiently ludicrous in itself, was not enough for Murtough!--he would
+make his captive a source of ridicule as well as profit, and while
+plenty of real amusements might have served his end, to divert the
+stranger for the day, this mock fishing-party was planned to brighten
+with fresh beams the halo of the ridiculous which already encircled the
+magnanimous Furlong.
+
+"I'm still in the dark," said Dick, "about the salmon. As I said before,
+there never was a salmon in the river."
+
+"But, as I said before," replied Murphy, "there will be to-day; and you
+must help me in playing off the trick."
+
+"But what _is_ this trick? Confound you, you're as mysterious as a
+chancery suit."
+
+"I wish I was likely to last half as long," said Murphy.
+
+"The trick!" said Dick. "Bad luck to you, tell me the trick, and don't
+keep me waiting, like a poor relation."
+
+"You have two boats on the river?" said Murphy.
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Well, you must get into one with our victim: and I can get into the
+other with the salmon."
+
+"But where's the salmon, Murphy?"
+
+"In the house, for I sent one over this morning, a present to Mrs. Egan.
+You must keep away about thirty yards or so, when we get afloat, that
+our dear friend may not perceive the trick--and in proper time I will
+hook my dead salmon on one of my lines, drop him over the off-side of
+the boat, pass him round to the gun-wale within view of our intelligent
+castle customer, make a great outcry, swear I have a noble bite, haul up
+my fish with an enormous splash, and, affecting to kill him in the boat,
+hold up my salmon in triumph."
+
+"It's a capital notion, Murphy, if he doesn't smoke the trick."
+
+"He'll smoke the salmon sooner. Never mind, if I don't hoax him: I'll
+bet you what you like he's done."
+
+"I hear him coming down-stairs," said the Squire.
+
+"Then send off the salmon in a basket by one of the boys, Dick," said
+Murphy; "and you, Squire, may go about your canvass, and leave us in
+care of the enemy."
+
+All was done as Murphy proposed, and, in something less than an hour,
+Furlong and Dick in one boat, and Murphy and his attendant _gossoon_ in
+another, were afloat on the river, to initiate the Dublin citizen into
+the mysteries of this new mode of salmon-fishing.
+
+The sport at first was slack, and no wonder; and Furlong began to grow
+tired, when Murphy hooked on his salmon, and gently brought it round
+under the water within range of his victim's observation.
+
+"This is wather dull work," said Furlong.
+
+"Wait awhile, my dear sir; they are never lively in biting so early as
+this--they're not set about feeding in earnest yet. Hilloa! by the
+Hokey I have him!" shouted Murphy. Furlong looked on with great
+anxiety, as Murphy made a well-feigned struggle with a heavy fish.
+
+"By this and that, he's a whopper!" cried Murphy in ecstasy. "He's
+kicking like a two-year old. I have him, though, as fast as the rock o'
+Dunamase. Come up, you thief!" cried he, with an exulting shout, as he
+pulled up the salmon with all the splash he could produce; and suddenly
+whipping the fish over the side into the boat, he began flapping it
+about as if it were plunging in the death-struggle. As soon as he had
+affected to kill it, he held it up in triumph before the castle
+conjuror, who was quite taken in by the feint, and protested his
+surprise loudly.
+
+"Oh! that's nothing to what we'll do yet. If the day should become a
+little more overcast, we'd have splendid sport, sir."
+
+"Well, I could not have believed, if I hadn't seen it," said Furlong.
+
+"Oh! you'll see more than that, my boy, before we've done with them."
+
+"But I haven't got even a bite yet!"
+
+"Nor I either," said Dick; "you're not worse off than I am."
+
+"But how extwao'dinawy it is that I have not seen a fish wise since I
+have been on the wiver."
+
+"That's because they see us watching them," said Dick. "The d----l such
+cunning brutes I ever met with as the fish in this river: now, if you
+were at a distance from the bank, you'd see them jumping as lively as
+grasshoppers.  Whisht! I think I had a nibble."
+
+"You don't seem to have good sport there," shouted Murphy.
+
+"Vewy poo' indeed," said Furlong, dolefully.
+
+"Play your line a little," said Murphy; "keep the bait lively--you're
+not up to the way of fascinating them yet."
+
+"Why, no; it's wather _noo_ to me."
+
+"'Faith!" said Murphy to himself, "it's new to all of us. It's a bran
+new invention in the fishing line. Billy," said he to the _gossoon_, who
+was in the boat with him, "we must catch a salmon again to _divart_ that
+strange gentleman--hook him on, my buck."
+
+"Yes, sir," said Billy, with delighted eagerness, for the boy entered
+into the fun of the thing heart and soul, and as he hooked on the salmon
+for a second haul, he interlarded his labours with such ejaculations as,
+"Oh, Misther Murphy, sir, but you're the funny jintleman. Oh, Misther
+Murphy, sir, how soft the stranger is, sir. The salmon's ready for
+ketchin' now, sir. Will you ketch him yet, sir?"
+
+"Coax him round, Billy," said Murphy.
+
+The young imp executed the manoeuvre with adroitness; and Murphy was
+preparing for another haul, as Furlong's weariness began to manifest
+itself.
+
+"Do you intend wemaining here all day? Do you know, I think I've no
+chance of any spo't."
+
+"Oh, wait till you hook _one_ fish, at all events," said Murphy; "just
+have it to say you killed a salmon in the new style. The day is
+promising better. I'm sure we'll have sport yet. Hilloa! I've another!"
+and Murphy began hauling in the salmon. "Billy, you rascal, get ready;
+watch him--that's it--mind him now!" Billy put out his gaff to seize the
+prize, and, making a grand swoop, affected to miss the fish. "Gaff him,
+you thief, gaff him!" shouted Murphy, "gaff him, or he'll be off."
+
+"Oh, he's so lively, sir!" roared Billy; "he's a rogue, sir--he won't
+let me put the gaff undher him, sir--ow, he slipped away agin."
+
+"Make haste, Billy, or I can't hold him."
+
+"Oh, the thief!" said Billy; "one would think he was cotcht before, he's
+so up to it. Ha!--hurroo!--I have him now, sir." Billy made all the
+splash he could in the water as Murphy lifted the fish to the surface
+and swung him into the boat. Again there was the flopping and the riot,
+and Billy screeching, "Kill him, sir!--kill him, sir!--or he'll be off
+out o' my hands!" In proper time the fish _was_ killed and shown up in
+triumph, and the imposture completed.
+
+And now Furlong began to experience that peculiar longing for catching a
+fish, which always possesses men who see fish taken by others; and the
+desire to have a salmon of his own killing induced him to remain on the
+river. In the long intervals of idleness which occurred between the
+occasional hooking up of the salmon, which Murphy _did_ every now and
+then, Furlong _would be talking_ about business to Dick Dawson, so that
+they had not been very long on the water until Dick became enlightened
+on some more very important points connected with the election. Murphy
+now pushed his boat on towards the shore.
+
+"You're not going yet?" said the anxious fisherman;--"_do_ wait till I
+catch a fish!"
+
+"Certainly," said Murphy: "I'm only going to put Billy ashore, and send
+home what we've already caught.  Mrs. O'Grady is passionately fond of
+salmon."
+
+Billy was landed, and a large basket in which the salmon had been
+brought down to the boat, was landed also--_empty_; and Murphy, lifting
+the basket as if it contained a considerable weight, placed it on
+Billy's head, and the sly young rascal bent beneath it, as if all the
+fish Murphy had pretended to take were really in it; and he went on his
+homeward way, with a tottering step, as if the load were too much for
+him.
+
+"That boy," said Furlong, "will never be able to cawwy all those fish to
+the house."
+
+"Oh, they won't be too much for him," said Dick. "Curse the fish!  I
+wish they'd bite. That thief, Murphy, has had all the sport; but he's
+the best fisherman in the county, I'll own that."
+
+The two boats all this time had been drifting down the river, and on
+opening a new reach of the stream, a somewhat extraordinary scene of
+fishing presented itself. It was not like Murphy's fishing, the result
+of a fertile invention, but the consequence of the evil destiny which
+presided over all the proceedings of Handy Andy. The fishing-party in
+the boats beheld another fishing-party on shore, with this difference
+in the nature of what they sought to catch, that while they in the
+boats were looking for salmon, those on shore were seeking for a
+post-chaise; and as about a third part of a vehicle so called was
+apparent above the water, Furlong exclaimed with extreme surprise--
+
+"Well, if it ain't a post-chaise!"
+
+"Oh! that's nothing extraordinary," said Dick; "common enough here."
+
+"How do you mean?"
+
+"We've a custom here of running steeple-chases in post-chaises."
+
+"Oh, thank you," said Furlong. "Come, that's _too_ good."
+
+"You don't believe it, I see," said Dick. "But you did not believe the
+salmon-fishing till you saw it."
+
+"Oh, come now! How the deuce could you leap a ditch in a post-chaise?"
+
+"I never said we leaped ditches; I only said we rode steeple-chases. The
+system is this:--You go for a given point, taking high road, by-road,
+plain, or lane, as the case may be, making the best of your way how you
+can. Now our horses in this country are celebrated for being good
+swimmers, so it's a favourite plan to shirk a bridge sometimes by
+swimming a river."
+
+"But no post-chaise will float," said Furlong, regularly arguing against
+Dick's mendacious absurdity.
+
+"Oh! we are prepared for that here. The chaises are made light, have
+cork bottoms, and all the solid work is made hollow; the doors are made
+water tight, and, if the stream runs strong, the passenger jumps out and
+swims."
+
+"But that's not fair," said Furlong; "it alters the weight."
+
+"Oh! it's allowed on both sides," said Dick, "so it's all the same.
+It's as good for the goose as the gander."
+
+"I wather imagine it is much fitter for geese and ganders than human
+beings. I know I should wather be a goose on the occasion."
+
+All this time they were nearing the party on shore, and as the
+post-chaise became more developed, so did the personages on the bank of
+the river: and amongst these Dick Dawson saw Handy Andy in the custody
+of two men, and Squire O'Grady shaking his fist in his face and storming
+at him. How all this party came there, it is necessary to explain. When
+Handy Andy had deposited Furlong at Merryvale, he drove back to pick up
+the fallen postilion and his brother on the road; but before he reached
+them, he had to pass a public-house--I say _had_ to pass--but he didn't.
+Andy stopped, as every honourable postilion is bound to do, to drink the
+health of the gentleman who gives him the last half-crown: and he was so
+intent on "doing that same," as they say in Ireland, that Andy's driving
+became very equivocal afterwards. In short, he drove the post-chaise
+into the river; the horses got disentangled by kicking the traces (which
+were very willing to break) into pieces; and Andy, by sticking to the
+neck of the horse he rode, got out of the water. The horses got home
+without the post-chaise, and the other post-chaise and pair got home
+without a postilion, so that Owny Doyle was roused from his bed by the
+neighing of the horses at the gate of the inn. Great was his surprise at
+the event, as, half clad, and a candle in his hand, he saw two pair of
+horses, one chaise, and no driver, at his door. The next morning the
+plot thickened. Squire O'Grady came to know if a gentleman had arrived
+at the town on his way to Neck-or-Nothing Hall. The answer was in the
+affirmative. Then "Where was he?" became a question. Then the report
+arrived of the post-chaise being upset in the river. Then came stories
+of postilions falling off, of postilions being changed, of Handy Andy
+being employed to take the gentleman to the place; and out of these
+materials the story became current, that "an English gentleman was
+dhrownded in the river in a post-chaise." O'Grady set off directly with
+a party to have the river dragged, and near the spot encountering Handy
+Andy, he ordered him to be seized, and accused him of murdering his
+friend.
+
+It was in this state of things that the boats approached the party on
+land, and the moment Dick Dawson saw Handy Andy, he put out his oars and
+pulled away as hard as he could. At the moment he did so, Andy caught
+sight of him, and pointing out Furlong and Dick to O'Grady, he shouted,
+"There he is!--there he is!--I never murdhered him? There he is!--stop
+him! Misther Dick, stop, for the love of God!"
+
+"What's all this about?" said Furlong, in great amazement.
+
+"Oh, he's a process-server," said Dick; "the people are going to drown
+him, maybe."
+
+"To dwown him?" said Furlong, in horror.
+
+"If he has luck," said Dick, "they'll only give him a good ducking; but
+we had better have nothing to do with it. I would not like you to be
+engaged in one of these popular riots."
+
+"I shouldn't wellish it myself," said Furlong.
+
+"Pull away, Dick," said Murphy; "let them kill the blackguard, if they
+like."
+
+"But will they kill him weally?" inquired Furlong, somewhat horrified.
+
+"'Faith, it's just as the whim takes them," said Murphy; "but as we
+wish to be popular on the hustings, we must let them kill as many as
+they please."
+
+Andy still shouted loud enough to be heard. "Misther Dick, they're
+goin' to murdher me."
+
+"Poo' w'etch!" said Furlong, with a very uneasy shudder.
+
+"Maybe you'd think it right for us to land, and rescue him," said
+Murphy, affecting to put about the boat.
+
+"Oh, by no means," said Furlong. "You're bettaw acquainted with the
+customs of the countwy than I am."
+
+"Then we'll row back to dinner as fast as we can," said Murphy. "Pull
+away, my hearties!" and, as he bent to his oars, he began bellowing the
+Canadian Boat-Song, to drown Andy's roar, and when he howled--
+
+    "Our voices keep tune,"
+
+there never was a more practical burlesque upon the words; but as he
+added--
+
+    "Our oars keep time,"
+
+he seemed to have such a pleasure in pulling, and looked so lively and
+florid, that Furlong, chilled by his inactivity on the water, requested
+Murtough to let him have an oar, to restore circulation by exercise.
+Murtough complied; but the novice had not pulled many strokes, before
+his awkwardness produced that peculiar effect called "catching a crab,"
+and a smart blow upon his chest sent him heels over head under the
+thwarts of the boat.
+
+"Wha-wha-a-t's that?" gasped Furlong, as he scrambled up again.
+
+"You only caught a crab," said Murtough.
+
+"Good Heaven!" said Furlong, "you don't mean to say there are crabs as
+well as salmon in the wiver."
+
+"Just as many crabs as salmon," said Murtough; "pull away, my hearty.
+
+    "Row, brothers, row--the stream runs fast,
+    The rapids are near, and the daylight's past!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+
+The boats doubled round an angle in the river, and Andy was left in the
+hands of Squire O'Grady still threatening vengeance; but Andy, as long
+as the boats remained in sight, heard nothing but his own sweet voice
+shouting at the top of its pitch, "They're going to murdher me!--Misther
+Dick, Misther Dick, come back for the love o' God!"
+
+"What are you roaring like a bull for?" said the Squire.
+
+"Why wouldn't I roar, sir? A bull would roar if he had as much rayson."
+
+"A bull has more reason than ever you had, you calf," said the Squire.
+
+"Sure there he is, and can explain it all to you," said Andy, pointing
+after the boats.
+
+"Who is there?" asked the Squire.
+
+"Misther Dick, and the jintleman that I dhruv there."
+
+"Drove where?"
+
+"To the Squire's."
+
+"What Squire?"
+
+"Squire Egan's, to be sure."
+
+"Hold your tongue, you rascal; you're either drunk still, or telling
+lies. The gentleman I mean wouldn't go to Mister Egan's; he was coming
+to me."
+
+"That's the jintleman I dhruv--that's all I know. He was in the shay,
+and was nigh shootin' me; and Micky Doolin stopped on the road, when his
+brother was nigh killed, and towld me to get up, for he wouldn't go no
+farther, when the jintleman objected----"
+
+"What did the gentleman object to?"
+
+"He objected to Pether goin' into the shay."
+
+"Who is Peter?"
+
+"Pether Doolin, to be sure."
+
+"And what brought Peter Doolin there?"
+
+"He fell off the horses----"
+
+"Wasn't it Mick Doolin you said was driving but a moment ago?"
+
+"Ay, sir, but that was th' other shay."
+
+"What other chaise, you vagabond?"
+
+"Th' other shay, your honour, that I never see at all, good or
+bad--only Pether."
+
+"What diabolical confusion you are making of the story, to be sure!
+There's no use in talking to you here, I see. Bring him after me," said
+the Squire, to some of his people standing by. "I must keep him in
+custody till something more satisfactory is made out about the matter."
+
+"Sure it's not makin' a presner of me you'd be?" said Andy.
+
+"You shall be kept in confinement, you scoundrel, till something is
+heard of this strange gentleman. I'm afraid he's drowned."
+
+"D----l a dhrowned. I dhruv him to Squire Egan's, I'll take my book
+oath."
+
+"That's downright nonsense, sir. He would as soon go into Squire Egan's
+house as go to Fiddler's Green."[5]
+
+      [5] Fiddler's Green is supposed to be situated on this (the cooler)
+      side of the regions below.
+
+"'Faith, then, there's worse places than Fiddler's Green," said Andy,
+"as some people may find out one o' these days."
+
+"I think, boys," said O'Grady, to the surrounding countrymen, "we must
+drag the river."
+
+"Dhrag the river if you plase," said Andy; "but, for the tendher mercy
+o' Heaven, don't dhrag me to jail! By all the crosses in a yard o'
+check, I dhruv the jintleman to Squire Egan's!--and there he was in that
+boat I showed you five minutes agone."
+
+"Bring him after me," said O'Grady. "The fellow is drunk still, or
+forgets all about it; I must examine him again. Take him over to the
+hall, and lock him up till I go home."
+
+"Arrah sure, your honour," said Andy, commencing an appeal.
+
+"If you say another word, you scoundrel," said the Squire, shaking his
+whip at him, "I'll commit you to jail this minute. Keep a sharp eye
+after him, Molloy," were the last words of the Squire to a stout-built
+peasant, who took Andy in charge as the Squire mounted his horse and
+rode away.
+
+Andy was marched off to Neck-or-Nothing Hall; and, in compliance with
+the Squire's orders, locked up in the justice-room. This was an
+apartment where the Squire, in his magisterial capacity, dispensed what
+he called justice, and what he possible meant to be such; but poor
+Justice coming out of Squire O'Grady's hands was something like the
+little woman in the song, who, having her petticoats cut short while she
+was asleep, exclaimed on her waking--
+
+    "As sure as I'm a little woman, this is none of I:"
+
+only that Justice, in the present instance, did not doubt her identity
+from her nakedness, but from the peculiar dressing Squire O'Grady
+bestowed upon her--she was so muffled up in O'Gradyism that her own
+mother (who, by the same token, was Themis) wouldn't know her. Indeed,
+if I remember, Justice is worse off than mortals respecting her
+parentage; for while there are many people who do not know who were
+their fathers, poets are uncertain who was Justice's mother:--some say
+Aurora, some say Themis. Now, if I might indulge at this moment in a bit
+of reverie, it would not be unreasonable to suppose that it is the
+classic disposition of Ireland, which is known to be a very ancient
+country, that tends to make the operations of Justice assimilate with
+the uncertainty of her birth; for her dispensations there are as
+distinct as if they were the offspring of two different influences. One
+man's justice is not another man's justice; which, I suppose, must arise
+from the difference of opinion as to who and what Justice is. Perhaps
+the rich people, who incline to power, may venerate Justice more as the
+child of Jupiter and Themis; while the unruly ones worship her as the
+daughter of Titan and Aurora; for undoubtedly the offspring of _Aurora_
+must be most welcome to "_Peep-o'-day boys_."
+
+Well--not to indulge further in reverie--Andy, I say, was locked up in
+the justice-room; and as I have been making all these observations about
+Justice, a few words will not be thrown away about the room which she
+was supposed to inhabit. Then I must say Squire O'Grady did not use her
+well. The room was a cold, comfortless apartment, with a plastered wall
+and an earthen floor, save at one end, where a raised platform of boards
+sustained a desk and one high office-chair. No other seat was in the
+room, nor was there any lateral window, the room being lighted from the
+top, so that Justice could be in no way interested with the country
+outside--she could only contemplate her native heaven through the
+sky-light. Behind the desk were placed a rude shelf, where some "modern
+instances," and old ones too, were lying-covered with dust--and a
+gun-rack, where some carbines with fixed bayonets were paraded in show
+of authority; so that, to an imaginative mind, the aspect of the books
+and the fire-arms gave the notion of Justice on the shelf, and Law on
+the rack.
+
+But, Andy thought not of these things; he had not the imagination which
+sometimes gives a prisoner a passing pleasure in catching a whimsical
+conceit from his situation, and, in the midst of his anxiety, anticipating
+the satisfaction he shall have in saying a good thing, even at the
+expense of his own suffering. Andy only knew that he was locked up in
+the justice-room for something he never did. He had only sense enough to
+feel that he was wronged, without the spirit to wish himself righted;
+and he sauntered up and down the cold, miserable room, anxiously waiting
+the arrival of "his honour, Squire O'Grady," to know what his fate might
+be, and wondering if they would hang him for upsetting a post-chaise in
+which a gentleman _had been_ riding, rather than brooding future means
+of redress for his false imprisonment.
+
+There was no window to look out of; he had not the comfort of seeing a
+passing fellow-creature--for the sight of one's kind _is_ a comfort. He
+could not even behold the green earth and the freshness of nature,
+which, though all unconsciously, has still a soothing influence on the
+uncultivated mind; he had nothing but the walls to look at, and they
+were blank, save here and there that a burnt stick in the hand of one of
+the young O'Gradies emulated the art of a Sandwich Islander, and
+sketched faces as grotesque as any Pagan could desire for his idol; or
+figures after the old well-established school-boy manner, which in the
+present day is called Persian painting, "warranted to be taught in three
+lessons." Now, this bespeaks degeneracy in the arts; for, in the time we
+write of, boys and girls acquired the art without any lessons at all,
+and abundant proofs of this intuitive talent existed on the aforesaid
+walls. Napoleon and Wellington were fighting a duel, while Nelson stood
+by to see fair play, he having nothing better to do, as the battle of
+Trafalgar, represented in the distance, could, of course, go on without
+him. The anachronism of jumbling Buonaparte, Wellington, and Nelson
+together, was a trifle amongst the O'Gradies, as they were nearly as
+great proficients in history, ancient and modern, as in the fine arts.
+Amidst these efforts of genius appeared many an old rhyme, scratched
+with rusty nails by rustier policemen, while lounging in the
+justice-room during the proceedings of the great O'Grady, and all these
+were gone over again and again by Andy, till they were worn out, all but
+one--a rough representation of a man hanging.
+
+This possessed a sort of fascination for poor Andy; for at last,
+relinquishing all others, he stood riveted before it, and muttered to
+himself, "I wondher can they hang me--sure it's no murdher I done--but
+who knows what witnesses they might get? and these times they sware
+mighty hard; and Squire O'Grady has such a pack o' blackguards about
+him, sure he could get anything swore he liked. Oh, wirra! wirra!
+what'll I do at all! Faix! I wouldn't like to be hanged--oh! look at him
+there--just the last kick in him--and a disgrace to my poor mother into
+the bargain. Augh!--but it's a dirty death to die--to be hung up like a
+dog over a gate, or an old hat on a peg, just that-away;" and he
+extended his arm as he spoke, suspending his _caubeen_, while he looked
+with disgust at the effigy. "But sure they _can't_ hang me--though now I
+remember Squire Egan towld me long ago I'd be hanged some day or other.
+I wondher does my mother know I'm tuk away--and Oonah, too, the
+craythur, would be sorry for me. Maybe, if my mother spoke to Squire
+Egan, his honour would say a good word for me:--though that wouldn't do;
+for him and Squire O'Grady's bitther inimies now, though they wor once
+good friends. Och hone! sure that's the way o' the world; and a cruel
+world it is--so it is. Sure 't would be well to be out of it a'most, and
+in a betther world. I hope there's no po'chaises in heaven!"
+
+The soliloquy of poor Andy was interrupted by a low, measured sound of
+thumping, which his accustomed ear at once distinguished to be the
+result of churning; the room in which he was confined being one of a
+range of offices stretching backward from the principal building and
+next door to the dairy. Andy had grown tired by this time of his
+repeated contemplation of the rhymes and sketches, his own thoughts
+thereon, and his long confinement; and now the monotonous sound of the
+churn-dash falling on his ear, acted as a sort of _busho_,[6] and the
+worried and wearied Andy at last laid down on the platform and fell
+asleep to the bumping lullaby.
+
+      [6] A soft, monotonous chant the nurses sing to children to induce
+      sleep.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+
+The sportsmen, having returned from their fishing excursion to dinner,
+were seated round the hospitable board of Squire Egan; Murphy and Dick
+in high glee, at still successfully hoodwinking Furlong, and carrying
+on their mystification with infinite frolic.
+
+The soup had been removed, and they were in the act of enjoying the
+salmon, which had already given so much enjoyment, when a loud knocking
+at the door announced the arrival of some fresh guest.
+
+"Did you ask any one to dinner, my dear?" inquired Mrs. Egan of her
+good-humoured lord, who was the very man to invite any friend he met in
+the course of the day, and forget it after.
+
+"No, my dear," answered the Squire. "Did you, Dick?" said he.
+
+Dick replied in the negative, and said he had better go and see who it
+was; for looks of alarm had been exchanged between him, the Squire, and
+Murphy, lest any stranger should enter without being apprised of the
+hoax going forward; and Dawson had just reached the dining-room door on
+his cautionary mission, when it was suddenly thrown wide open, and in
+walked, with a rapid step and bustling air, an active little gentleman
+dressed in black, who was at Mrs. Egan's side in a moment, exclaiming
+with a very audible voice and much _empressement_ of manner--
+
+"My dear Mrs. Egan, how do you do? I am delighted to see you. Took a
+friend's privilege, you see, and have come unbidden to claim the
+hospitality of your table. The fact is, I was making a sick visit to
+this side of my parish; and finding it impossible to get home in time
+to my own dinner, I had no scruple in laying yours under contribution."
+
+Now this was the Protestant clergyman of the parish, whose political
+views were in opposition to those of Mr. Egan; but the good hearts of
+both men prevented political feeling from interfering, as in Ireland it
+too often does, with the social intercourse of life. Still, however, if
+Dick Dawson had got out of the room in time, this was not the man to
+assist them in covering their hoax on Furlong, and the scene became
+excessively ludicrous the moment the reverend gentleman made his
+appearance. Dick, the Squire, and Murphy, opened their eyes at each
+other, while Mrs. Egan grew as red as scarlet when Furlong stared at
+her in astonishment as the newcomer mentioned her name. She stammered
+out welcome as well as she could, and called for a chair for Mr.
+Bermingham, with all sorts of kind inquiries for Mrs. Bermingham and
+the little Berminghams--for the Bermingham manufactory in that line was
+extensive.
+
+While the reverend gentleman was taking his seat, spreading his napkin
+and addressing a word to each round the table, Furlong turned to Fanny
+Dawson, beside whom he was sitting (and who, by-the-bye, could not
+resist a fit of laughter on the occasion), and said with a bewildered
+look--
+
+"Did he not addwess _Madame_ as Mistwess Egan?"
+
+"Yeth," said Fanny, with admirable readiness; "but whithper." And as
+Furlong inclined his head towards her, she whispered in his ear, "You
+muthn't mind him--he's mad, poor man!--that is, a _little_ inthane--and
+thinks every lady is Mrs. Egan. An unhappy pathion, poor fellow!--but
+_quite harmleth_."
+
+Furlong uttered a very prolonged "Oh!" at Fanny's answer to his inquiry,
+and looked sharply round the table, for there was an indefinable
+something in the conduct of every one at the moment of Mr. Bermingham's
+entrance that attracted his attention, and the name "Egan," and
+everybody's _fidgetiness_ (which is the only word I can apply), roused
+his suspicion. Fanny's answer only half satisfied him; and looking at
+Mrs. Egan, who could not conquer her confusion, he remarked "How _vewy_
+wed Mistwess O'Gwady gwew!"
+
+"Oh! thee can't help bluthing, poor soul! when he thays 'Egan' to her,
+and thinks her his _furth_ love."
+
+"How _vewy_ widiculous to be sure," said Furlong.
+
+"Haven't you innothent mad people thumtimes in England?" said Fanny.
+
+"Oh _vewy_" said Furlong, "but this appea's to me so wema'kably
+stwange an abbewation."
+
+"Oh," returned Fanny, with quickness, "I thuppose people go mad on
+their ruling pathion, and the ruling pathion of the Irish, you know,
+is love."
+
+The conversation all this time was going on in other quarters, and
+Furlong heard Mr. Bermingham talking of his having preached last Sunday
+in his new church.
+
+"Suwely," said he to Fanny, "they would not pe'mit an insane gle'gyman
+to pweach?"
+
+"Oh," said Fanny, almost suffocating with laughter, "he only
+_thinkth_ he's a clergyman."
+
+"How vewy dwoll you are!" said Furlong.
+
+"Now you're only quithing me," said Fanny, looking with affected
+innocence in the face of the unfortunate young gentleman she had been
+quizzing most unmercifully the whole day.
+
+"Oh, Miste' O'Gwady," said Furlong, "we saw them going to dwown a man
+to-day."
+
+"Indeed!" said the Squire, reddening, as he saw Mr. Bermingham stare at
+his being called O'Grady; so, to cover the blot, and stop Furlong, he
+asked him to take wine.
+
+"Do they often dwown people here?" continued Furlong, after he had
+bowed.
+
+"Not that I know of," said the Squire.
+
+"But are not the lowe' o'ders wather given to what Lo'd Bacon
+calls----"
+
+"Who cares about Lord Bacon?" said Murphy.
+
+"My dear sir, you supwise me!" said Furlong, in utter amazement. "Lord
+Bacon's sayings----"
+
+"'Pon my conscience," said Murphy, "both himself and his sayings are
+very _rusty_ by this time."
+
+"Oh, I see, Miste' Muffy. You neve' will be sewious."
+
+"Heaven forbid!" said Murphy--"at least at dinner, or _after_
+dinner. Seriousness is only a morning amusement--it makes a very poor
+figure in the evening."
+
+"By-the-bye," said Mr. Bermingham, "talking of drowning, I heard a very
+odd story to-day from O'Grady. You and he, I believe," said the
+clergyman, addressing Egan, "are not on as good terms as you were."
+
+At this speech Furlong did _rather_ open his eyes, the Squire hummed and
+hawed, Murphy coughed, Mrs. Egan looked into her plate, and Dick, making
+a desperate rush to the rescue, asked Furlong which he preferred, a
+single or a double barrelled gun.
+
+Mr. Bermingham, perceiving the sensation his question created, thought
+he had touched upon forbidden ground, and therefore did not repeat his
+question, and Fanny whispered Furlong that one of the stranger's mad
+peculiarities was mistaking one person for another; but all this did
+not satisfy Furlong, whose misgivings as to the real name of his host
+were growing stronger every moment. At last, Mr. Bermingham, without
+alluding to the broken friendship between Egan and O'Grady, returned to
+the "odd story" he had heard that morning about drowning.
+
+"'T is a strange affair," said he, "and our side of the country is all
+alive about it. A gentleman who was expected from Dublin last night at
+Neck-or-Nothing Hall, arrived, as it is ascertained, at the village,
+and thence took a post-chaise, since which time he has not been heard
+of; and as a post-chaise was discovered this morning sunk in the river,
+close by Ballysloughgutthery bridge, it is suspected the gentleman has
+been drowned either by accident or design. The postilion is in
+confinement on suspicion, and O'Grady has written to the Castle about
+it to-day, for the gentleman was a government agent."
+
+"Why, sir," said Furlong, "that must be me!"
+
+"_You_, sir!" said Mr. Bermingham, whose turn it was to be
+surprised now.
+
+"Yes, sir," said Furlong, "I took a post-chaise at the village last
+night, and I'm an agent of the gove'ment."
+
+"But you're not drowned, sir--and he was," said Bermingham.
+
+"To be su'e I'm not dwowned; but I'm the pe'son."
+
+"Quite impossible, sir," said Mr. Bermingham. "You can't be the
+person."
+
+"Why, sir, do you expect to pe'suade me out of my own identity!"
+
+"Oh," said Murphy, "there will be no occasion to prove identity till
+the body is found, and the coroner's inquest sits; that's the law,
+sir--at least, in Ireland."
+
+Furlong's bewildered look at the unblushing impudence of Murphy was
+worth anything. While he was dumb from astonishment, Mr. Bermingham,
+with marked politeness, said, "Allow me, sir, for a moment to explain
+to you. You see, it could not be you, for the gentleman was going to
+Mr. O'Grady's."
+
+"Well, sir," said Furlong, "and here I am."
+
+The wide stare of the two men as they looked at each other was killing;
+and while Furlong's face was turned towards Mr. Bermingham, Fanny
+caught the clergy-man's eye, tapped her forehead with the fore-finger
+of her right hand, shook her head, and turned up her eyes with an
+expression of pity, to indicate that Furlong was not quite right in his
+mind.
+
+"Oh, I beg pardon, sir," said Mr. Bermingham. "I see it's a mistake of
+mine."
+
+"There certainly is a vewy gweat mistake somewhere," said Furlong, who
+was now bent on a very direct question. "Pway, Miste' O'Gwady," said
+he, addressing Egan, "that is, if you _are_ Miste' O'Gwady, will
+you tell me, _are_ you Miste' O'Gwady?"
+
+"Sir," said the Squire, "you have chosen to call me O'Grady ever since
+you came here, but my name is Egan."
+
+"What!--the member for the county?" cried Furlong, horrified.
+
+"Yes," said the Squire, laughing; "do you want a frank?"
+
+"'T will save your friends postage," said Dick, "when you write to them
+to say you're safe."
+
+"Miste' Wegan," said Furlong, with an attempt at offended dignity, "I
+conside' myself vewy ill used."
+
+"You're the first man I ever heard of being ill used at Merryvale
+House," said Murphy.
+
+"Sir, it's a gwievous w'ong!"
+
+"What _is_ all this about?" asked Mr. Bermingham.
+
+"My dear friend," said the Squire, laughing--though, indeed, that was
+not peculiar to _him_, for every one round the table, save the victim,
+was doing the same thing (as for Fanny, she _shouted_),--"My dear
+friend, this gentleman came to my house last night, and _I_ took him for
+a friend of Moriarty's, whom I have been expecting for some days. _He_
+thought, it appears, this was Neck-or-Nothing Hall, and thus a mutual
+mistake has arisen. All I can say is, that you are most welcome, Mr.
+Furlong, to the hospitality of this house as long as you please."
+
+"But, sir, you should not have allowed me to wemain in you' house,"
+said Furlong.
+
+"That's a doctrine," said the Squire, "in which you will find it
+difficult to make an Irish host coincide."
+
+"But you must have known, sir, that it was not my intention to come to
+your house."
+
+"How could I know that, sir?" said the Squire, jocularly.
+
+"Why, Miste' Wegan--you know--that is--in fact--confound it, sir!" said
+Furlong, at last, losing his temper, "you know I told you all about our
+electioneering tactics."
+
+A loud laugh was all the response Furlong received to this outbreak.
+
+"Well, sir," repeated he, "I pwotest it is extremely unfair."
+
+"You know, my dear sir," said Dick, "we Irish are such _poor ignorant
+creatures_, according to your own account, that we can make no use
+of the knowledge with which you have so generously supplied us."
+
+"You know," said the Squire, "we have no _real_ finesse."
+
+"Sir," said Furlong, growing sulky, "there is a certain finesse that is
+_fair_, and another that is _unfair_--and I pwotest against----"
+
+"Pooh, pooh!" said Murphy. "Never mind trifles. Just wait till to-morrow,
+and I'll show you even better salmon-fishing than you had to-day."
+
+"Sir, no consideration would make me wemain anothe' wower in this
+house."
+
+Murphy screwed his lips together, puffed out something between a whistle
+and the blowing out of a candle, and ventured to suggest to Furlong he
+had better wait even a couple of hours, till he had got his allowance of
+claret. "Remember the adage, sir, '_In vino veritas_,' and we'll tell
+you all _our_ electioneering secrets after we've had enough wine."
+
+"As soon, Miste' Wegan," said Mr. Furlong, quite chapfallen, "as you can
+tell me how I can get to the house to which I _intended_ to go, I will
+be weddy to bid you good evening."
+
+"If you are determined, Mr. Furlong, to remain here no longer, I shall
+not press my hospitality upon you; whenever you decide upon going, my
+carriage shall be at your service."
+
+"The soone' the bette', sir," said Furlong, retreating still further
+into a cold and sulky manner.
+
+The Squire made no further attempt to conciliate him; he merely said,
+"Dick, ring the bell. Pass the claret, Murphy."
+
+The bell was rung--the claret passed--a servant entered, and orders were
+given by the Squire that the carriage should be at the door as soon as
+possible. In the interim, Dick Dawson, the Squire, and Murphy, laughed
+as if nothing had happened, and Mrs. Egan conversed in an under-tone
+with Mr. Bermingham. Fanny looked mischievous, and Furlong kept his hand
+on the foot of his glass, and shoved it about something in the fashion
+of an uncertain chess-player, who does not know where to put the piece
+on which he has laid his finger.
+
+The carriage was soon announced, and Mrs. Egan, as Furlong seemed so
+anxious to go, rose from table; and as she retired, he made her a cold
+and formal bow. He attempted a tender look and soft word to Fanny--for
+Furlong, who thought himself a _beau garcon_, had been playing off his
+attractions upon her all day, but the mischievously merry Fanny Dawson,
+when she caught the sheepish eye, and heard the mumbled gallantry of the
+Castle Adonis, could not resist a titter, which obliged her to hide her
+dimpling cheek and pearly teeth in her handkerchief, as she passed to
+the door. The ladies being gone, the Squire asked Furlong, would he not
+have some more wine before he went.
+
+"No, thank you, Miste' Wegan," replied he, "after being twicked in the
+manner that a----"
+
+"Mr. Furlong," said the Squire, "you have said quite enough about that.
+When you came into my house last night, sir, I had no intention of
+practising any joke upon you. You should have had the hospitality of an
+Irishman's house, without the consequence that has followed, had you not
+indulged in sneering at the Irishman's country, which, to your shame be
+it spoken, is _your own_. You vaunted your own superior intelligence and
+finesse over us, sir; and told us you came down to overthrow poor Pat in
+the trickery of electioneering movements. Under these circumstances,
+sir, I think what we have done is quite fair. We have shown you that you
+are no match for us in the finesse upon which you pride yourself so
+much; and the next time you talk of your countrymen, and attempt to
+undervalue them, just remember how you have been outwitted at Merryvale
+House. Good evening, Mr. Furlong, I hope we part without owing each
+other any ill-will." The Squire offered his hand, but Furlong drew up,
+and amidst such expletives as "weally," and "I must say," he at last
+made use of the word "atwocious."
+
+"What's that you say?" said Dick. "You don't speak very plain, and I'd
+like to be sure of the last word you used."
+
+"I mean to say that a----" and Furlong, not much liking the _tone_
+of Dick's question, was humming and hawing a sort of explanation of
+what "he meant to say," when Dick thus interrupted him--
+
+"I tell you this, Mr. Furlong; all that has been done is my doing--I've
+humbugged you, sir,--_hum-bugged_. I've sold you--dead. I've pumped you,
+sir--all your electioneering bag of tricks, _bribery_ and all, exposed;
+and now go off to O'Grady, and tell him how the poor ignorant Irish have
+_done_ you; and see, Mr. Furlong," in a quiet under-tone, "if there's
+anything that either he or you don't like about the business, you shall
+have any satisfaction you like, and as often as you please."
+
+"I shall _conside'_ of that, sir," said Furlong, as he left the house,
+and entered the carriage, where he threw himself back in offended
+dignity, and soliloquised vows of vengeance. But the bumping of the
+carriage over a rough road disturbed the pleasing reveries of revenge,
+to awaken him to the more probable and less agreeable consequences
+likely to occur to himself for the blunder he had made; for, with all
+the puppy's self-sufficiency and conceit, he could not by any process of
+mental delusion conceal from himself the fact that he had been most
+tremendously _done_, and how his party would take it was a serious
+consideration. O'Grady, another horrid Irish squire--how should he face
+_him_? For a moment he thought it better to go back to Dublin, and he
+pulled the check-string--the carriage stopped--down went the front
+glass. "I say, coachman."
+
+"I'm not the coachman, sir."
+
+"Well, whoever you are----"
+
+"I'm the groom only, sir; for the coachman was----"
+
+"Sir, I don't want to know who you are, or about your affairs; I want
+you to listen to me--_cawn't_ you listen?"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"Well, then--dwive to the village."
+
+"I thought it was to the Hall I was to dhrive, sir."
+
+"Do what you're told, sir--the village!"
+
+"What village, sir?" asked Mat, the groom, who knew well enough, but
+from Furlong's impertinence did not choose to understand anything
+gratuitously.
+
+"Why the village I came from yeste'day."
+
+"What village was that, sir?"
+
+"How stoopid you are!--the village the mail goes to."
+
+"Sure the mail goes to all the villages in Ireland, sir."
+
+"You pwovoking blockhead!--Good Heavens, how _stoopid_ you Iwish
+are!--the village that leads to Dublin."
+
+"'Faith they all lead to Dublin, sir."
+
+"Confound you--you must know!--the posting village, you know--that is,
+not the post town, if you know what a post town is."
+
+"To be sure I do, sir--where they sell blankets, you mane."
+
+"No--no--no! I want to go to the village where they keep
+post-chaises--now you know."
+
+"Faix, they have po'chayses in all the villages here; there's no betther
+accommodation for man or baste in the world than here, sir."
+
+Furlong was mute from downright vexation, till his rage got vent in an
+oath, another denunciation of Irish stupidity, and at last a declaration
+that the driver _must_ know the village.
+
+"How would I know it, sir, when you don't know it yourself?" asked the
+groom; "I suppose it has a name to it, and if you tell me that, I'll
+dhrive you there fast enough."
+
+"I cannot wemember your howwid names here--it is a Bal, or Bally, or
+some such gibbewish----"
+
+Mat would not be enlightened.
+
+"Is there not Bal or Bally something?"
+
+"Oh, a power o' Bailies, sir; there's Ballygash, and Ballyslash, and
+Ballysmish, and Ballysmash, and----" so went on Mat, inventing a string
+of Ballies, till he was stopped by the enraged Furlong.
+
+"None o' them! none o' them!" exclaimed he, in a fury; "'t is something
+about 'dirt' or 'mud.'"
+
+"Maybe 't would be _gutther_, sir," said Mat, who saw Furlong was near
+the mark, and he thought he might as well make a virtue of telling him.
+
+"I believe you're right," said Furlong.
+
+"Then it is Ballysloughgutthery you want to go to, sir."
+
+"That's the name!" said Furlong, snappishly; "dwive _there_!" and,
+hastily pulling up the glass, he threw himself back again in the
+carriage. Another troubled vision of what the secretary would say came
+across him, and, after ten minutes' balancing the question, and
+trembling at the thoughts of an official blowing up, he thought he had
+better even venture on an Irish squire; so the check-string was again
+pulled, and the glass hastily let down.
+
+Mat halted. "Yes, sir," said Mat.
+
+"I think I've changed my mind--dwive to the Hall!"
+
+"I wish you'd towld me, sir, before I took the last turn--we're nigh a
+mile towards the village now."
+
+"No matte', sir!" said Furlong; "dwive where I tell you."
+
+Up went the glass again, and Mat turned round the horses and carriage
+with some difficulty in a narrow by-road.
+
+Another vision came across the bewildered fancy of Furlong: the
+certainty of the fury of O'Grady--the immediate contempt as well as
+anger attendant on his being bamboozled--and the result at last being
+the same in drawing down the secretary's anger. This produced another
+change of intention, and he let down the glass for the third time--once
+more changed his orders as concisely as possible, and pulled it up
+again. All this time Mat was laughing internally at the bewilderment of
+the stranger, and as he turned round the carriage again he muttered to
+himself, "By this and that, you're as hard to dhrive as a pig; for
+you'll neither go one road nor th' other." He had not proceeded far,
+when Furlong determined to face O'Grady instead of the Castle, and the
+last and final order for another turnabout was given. Mat hardly
+suppressed an oath; but respect for his master stopped him. The glass of
+the carriage was not pulled up this time, and Mat was asked a few
+questions about the Hall, and at last about the Squire. Now Mat had
+acuteness enough to fathom the cause of Furlong's indecision, and
+determined to make him as unhappy as he could; therefore to the question
+of "What sort of a man the Squire was?" Mat, re-echoing the question,
+replied--"What sort of a man, sir?--'Faith, he's not a man at all, sir,
+he's the devil."
+
+Furlong pulled up the glass, and employed the interval between Mat's
+answer and reaching the Hall in making up his mind as to how he should
+"face the devil."
+
+The carriage, after jolting for some time over a rough road skirted by a
+high and ruinous wall, stopped before a gateway that had once been
+handsome, and Furlong was startled by the sound of a most thundering
+bell, which the vigorous pull of Mat stimulated to its utmost pitch; the
+baying of dogs which followed was terrific. A savage-looking gatekeeper
+made his appearance with a light--not in a lantern, but shaded with his
+tattered hat; many questions and answers ensued, and at last the gate
+was opened. The carriage proceeded up a very ragged avenue, stopped
+before a large rambling sort of building, which even moonlight could
+exhibit to be very much out of repair, and after repeated knocking at
+the door (for Mat knew _his_ squire and the other squire were not
+friends now, and that he might be impudent), the door was unchained and
+unbarred, and Furlong deposited in Neck-or-Nothing Hall.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+
+    "Such is the custom of Branksome Hall."
+
+                             _Lay of the Last Minstrel._
+
+    NECK-OR-NOTHING HALL
+
+    CANTO I
+
+    Ten good nights and ten good days
+    It would take to tell thy ways,
+    Various, many, and amazing:
+    Neck-or-Nothing bangs all praising.
+    Wonders great and wonders small
+    Are found in Neck-or-Nothing Hall.
+
+    Racing rascals of ten a twain,
+    Who care not a rush for hail nor rain,
+    Messages swiftly to go or to come,
+    Or duck a taxman or harry a bum,[7]
+    Or "clip a server,"[8] did blithely lie
+    In the stable parlour next to the sky[9]
+    Dinners, save chance ones, seldom had they,
+    Unless they could nibble their beds of hay;
+    But the less they got, they were hardier all--
+    'T was the custom of Neck-or-Nothing Hall.
+
+      [7] A facetious phrase for bailiff, so often kicked.
+
+      [8] Cutting off the ears of a process-server.
+
+      [9] Hayloft.
+
+    One lord there sat in that terrible hall,
+    Two ladies came at his terrible call,--
+    One his mother and one his wife,
+    Each afraid of her separate life;
+    Three girls who trembled--four boys who shook
+    Five times a day at his lowering look,
+    Six blunderbuses in goodly show,
+    Seven horse-pistols were ranged below,
+    Eight domestics, great and small,
+    In idlesse did nothing but curse them all;
+    Nine state beds, where no one slept--
+    Ten for family use were kept;
+    Dogs eleven with bums to make free,
+    With a bold thirteen[10] in the treasury--
+    (Such its numerical strength, I guess
+    It can't be more, but it may be less).
+    Tar-barrels new and feathers old
+    Are ready, I trow, for the caitiff bold
+      Who dares to invade
+      The stormy shade
+      Of the grim O'Grade,
+    In his hunting hold.
+
+      [10] A shilling, so called from its being worth thirteen pence in
+      those days.
+
+    When the iron tongue of the old gate bell
+    Doth summon the growling grooms from cell,
+      Through cranny and crook
+      They peer and they look,
+    With guns to send the intruders to heaven.[11]
+    But when passwords pass
+    That might "serve a mass,"[12]
+    Then bars are drawn and chains let fall,
+    And you get into Neck-or-Nothing Hall.
+
+      [11] This is not the word in the MS.
+
+      [12] Serving mass occupies about twenty-five minutes.
+
+    CANTO II
+
+    And never a doubt
+      But when you are in,
+      If you love a whole skin,
+      I'll wager (and win)
+    You'll be glad to get out.
+
+                             _Dr. Growling's Metrical Romance._
+
+The bird's-eye view which the doctor's peep from Parnassus has afforded,
+may furnish the imagination of the reader with materials to create in
+his own mind a vague yet not unjust notion of Neck-or-Nothing Hall; but
+certain details of the Hall itself, its inmates and its customs, may be
+desired by the matter-of-fact reader or the more minutely curious, and
+as the author has the difficult task before him of trying to please all
+tastes, something more definite is required.
+
+The Hall itself was, as we have said, a rambling sort of structure.
+Ramifying from a solid centre, which gave the notion of a founder well
+to do in the world, additions, without any architectural pretensions to
+fitness, were _stuck_ on here and there, as whim or necessity suggested
+or demanded, and a most incongruous mass of gables, roofs, and chimneys,
+odd windows and blank walls, was the consequence. According to the
+circumstances of the occupants who inherited the property, the building
+was either increased or neglected. A certain old bachelor, for example,
+who in the course of events inherited the property, had no necessity for
+nurses, nursery-maids, and their consequent suite of apartments; and as
+he never aspired to the honour of matrimony, the ball-room, the
+drawing-room, and extra bed-chambers were neglected; but being a
+fox-hunter, a new kennel and range of stables were built, the
+dining-room enlarged, and all the ready money he could get at spent in
+augmenting the plate, to keep pace with the racing-cups he won, and
+proudly displayed at his drinking-bouts; and when he died suddenly
+(broke his neck), the plate was seized at the suit of his wine-merchant;
+and as the heir next in succession got the property in a ruinous
+condition, it was impossible to keep a stud of horses along with a wife
+and a large family, so the stables and kennel went to decay, while the
+ladies and family apartments could only be patched up. When the house
+was dilapidated, the grounds about it, of course, were ill kept. Fine
+old trees were there, originally intended to afford shade to walks which
+were so neglected as to be no more walkable than any other part of the
+grounds--the vista of aspiring stems indicated where an avenue had been,
+but neither hoe nor rolling-stone had, for many a year, checked the
+growth of grass or weed. So much for the outside of the house: now for
+the inside.
+
+That had witnessed many a thoughtless, expensive, headlong and irascible
+master, but never one more so than the present owner; added to which, he
+had the misfortune of being unpopular. Other men, thoughtless, and
+headlong, and irritable as he, have lived and had friends; but there was
+something about O'Grady that was felt, perhaps, more than it could be
+defined, which made him unpleasing--perhaps the homely phrase
+"cross-grained" may best express it, and O'Grady was essentially a
+cross-grained man. The estate, when he got it, was pretty heavily
+saddled, and the "galled jade" did not "wince" the less for his riding.
+
+A good jointure to his mother was chargeable on the property, and this
+was an excuse on all occasions for the Squire's dilatory payment in
+other quarters. "Sir," he would say, "my mother's jointure is sacred--it
+is more than the estate can well bear, it is true, but it is a sacred
+claim, and I would sooner sacrifice my life, my _honour_, sir, than see
+that claim neglected!" Now all this sounded mighty fine, but his mother
+could never see her jointure regularly paid, and was obliged to live in
+the house with him: she was somewhat of _an oddity_, and had apartments
+to herself, and, as long as she was let alone, and allowed to read
+romances in quiet, did not complain; and whenever a stray ten-pound note
+_did_ fall into her hands, she gave the greater part of it to her
+younger grand-daughter, who was fond of flowers and plants, and
+supported a little conservatory on her grand-mother's bounty, she paying
+the tribute of a bouquet to the old lady when the state of her botanical
+prosperity could afford it. The eldest girl was a favourite of an uncle,
+and _her_ passion being dogs, all the presents her uncle made her in
+money were converted into canine curiosities; while the youngest girl
+took an interest in the rearing of poultry. Now the boys, varying in age
+from eight to fourteen, had their separate favourites too--one loved
+bull-dogs and terriers, another game-cocks, the third ferrets, and the
+fourth rabbits and pigeons. These multifarious tastes produced strange
+results. In the house, flowers and plants, indicating refinement of
+taste and costliness, were strongly contrasted with broken plaster,
+soiled hangings, and faded paint; an expensive dog might be seen lapping
+cream out of a shabby broken plate; a never-ending sequence of wars
+raged among the dependent favourites, the bull-dogs and terriers
+chopping up the ferrets, the ferrets killing the game-cocks, the
+game-cocks killing the tame poultry and rabbits, and the rabbits
+destroying the garden, assisted by the flying reserve of pigeons. It was
+a sort of Irish retaliation, so amusingly exemplified in the nursery
+jingle--
+
+    The water began to quench the fire,
+    The fire began to burn the stick,
+    The stick began to beat the dog,
+    The dog began to bite the kid.
+
+In the midst of all these distinct and clashing tastes, that of Mrs.
+O'Grady (the wife) must not be forgotten; her weak point was a feather
+bed. Good soul! anxious that whoever slept under her roof should lie
+softly, she would go to the farthest corner of the county to secure an
+accession to her favourite property--and such a collection of luxurious
+feather beds never was seen in company with such rickety bedsteads and
+tattered and mildewed curtains, in rooms uncarpeted, whose paper was
+dropping off the wall,--well might it be called paper-hanging
+indeed!--whose washing-tables were of deal, and whose delf was of the
+plainest ware, and even that minus sundry handles and spouts. Nor was
+the renowned O'Grady without his hobby, too. While the various members
+of his family were thwarting each other, his master-mischief was
+thwarting them all; like some wicked giant looking down on a squabble of
+dwarfs, and ending the fight by kicking them all right and left. Then
+_he_ had _his_ troop of pets too--idle blackguards who were
+slingeing[13] about the place eternally, keeping up a sort of "cordon
+sanitaire," to prevent the pestilential presence of a bailiff, which is
+so catching, and turns to jail fever, a disease which had been fatal in
+the family. O'Grady never ventured beyond his domain except on the back
+of a fleet horse--there he felt secure; indeed, the place he most
+dreaded legal assault in was his own house, where he apprehended
+trickery might invade him: a carriage might be but a feint, and hence
+the great circumspection in the opening of doors.
+
+      [13] An Hibernicism, expressive of lounging laziness.
+
+From the nature of the establishment, thus hastily sketched, the reader
+will see what an ill-regulated jumble it was. The master, in difficulties,
+had disorderly people hanging about his place for his personal security;
+from these very people his boys picked up the love of dog-fights,
+cock-fights, &c.; and they, from the fights of their pets, fought
+amongst themselves, and were always fighting with their sisters; so the
+reader will see the "metrical romance" was not overcharged in its rhymes
+on Neck-or-Nothing Hall.
+
+When Furlong entered the hall, he gave his name to a queer-looking
+servant with wild scrubby hair, a dirty face, a tawdry livery, worse
+for wear, which had manifestly been made for a larger man, and hung upon
+its present possessor like a coat upon a clothes-horse; his cotton
+stockings, meant to be white, and clumsy shoes, meant to be black, met
+each other half-way, and split the difference in a pleasing neutral
+tint. Leaving Furlong standing in the hall, he clattered up-stairs, and
+a dialogue ensued between master and man so loud that Furlong could hear
+the half of it, and his own name in a tone of doubt, with that of
+"Egan," in a tone of surprise, and that of his "sable majesty" in a tone
+of anger, rapidly succeeded one another; then such broken words and
+sentences as these ensued--"fudge!--humbug!--rascally trick!--eh!--by
+the hokey, they'd better take care!--put the scoundrel under the pump!"
+
+Furlong more than half suspected it was to him this delicate attention
+was intended, and began to feel uncomfortable: he sharpened his ears to
+their keenest hearing, but there was a lull in the conversation, and he
+could ascertain one of the gentler sex was engaged in it by the ogre-like
+voice uttering, "Fudge, woman!--fiddle-de-dee!" Then he caught the words,
+"perhaps," and "gentleman," in a lady's voice; then out thundered "that
+rascal's carriage!--why come in that?--friend!--humbug!--rascal's
+carriage!--tar and feather him, by this and that!"
+
+Furlong began to feel very uncomfortable; the conversation ended; down
+came the servant, to whom Furlong was about to address himself, when the
+man said, "He would be with him in a minit," and vanished; a sort of
+reconnoitering party, one by one, then passed through the hall, eyeing
+the stranger very suspiciously, any of them to whom Furlong ventured a
+word scurrying off in double-quick time. For an instant he meditated a
+retreat, and, looking to the door, saw a heavy chain across it, the
+pattern of which must have been had from Newgate. He attempted to
+unfasten it, and as it clanked heavily, the ogre's voice from up-stairs
+bellowed, "Who the d----l's that opening the door?" Furlong's hand
+dropped from the chain, and a low growling went on up the staircase. The
+servant whom he first saw returned.
+
+"I fear," said Furlong, "there is some misappwehension."
+
+"A what, sir?"
+
+"A misappwehension."
+
+"Oh, no, sir! it's only a mistake the master thought you might be
+making; he thinks you mistuk the house, maybe, sir?"
+
+"Oh, no--I _wather_ think he mistakes me. Will you do me the favo',"
+and he produced a packet of papers as he spoke--"the favo' to take my
+cwedentials to Mr. O'Gwady, and if he throws his eye over these
+pape's----"
+
+At the word "papers," there was a shout from above, "Don't touch them,
+you thief, don't touch them!--another blister,--ha! ha! By the 'ternal
+this and that, I'll have him in the horse-pond!" A heavy stamping
+overhead ensued, and furious ringing of bells; in the midst of the din,
+a very pale lady came down-stairs, and pointing the way to a small
+room, beckoned Furlong to follow her. For a moment he hesitated, for
+his heart misgave him; but shame at the thought of doubting or refusing
+the summons of a lady overcame his fear, and he followed to a little
+parlour, where mutual explanations between Mrs. O'Grady and himself,
+and many messages, questions, and answers, which she carried up and
+down stairs, at length set Furlong's mind at ease respecting his
+personal safety, and finally admitted him into the presence of the
+truculent lord of the castle--who, when he heard that Furlong had been
+staying in the enemy's camp, was not, it may be supposed, in a sweet
+temper to receive him. O'Grady looked thunder as Furlong entered, and
+eyeing him keenly for some seconds, as if he were taking a mental as
+well as an ocular measurement of him, he saluted him with--
+
+"Well, sir, a pretty kettle of fish you've made of this. I hope you have
+not blabbed much about our affairs?"
+
+"Why, I weally don't know--I'm not sure--that is, I won't be positive,
+because when one is thwown off his guard, you know----"
+
+"Pooh, sir! a man should never be off his guard in an election. But how
+the d----l, sir, could you make such a thundering mistake as to go to
+the wrong house?"
+
+"It was a howwid postilion, Miste' O'Gwady."
+
+"The scoundrel!" exclaimed O'Grady, stamping up and down the room.
+
+At this moment, a tremendous crash was heard; the ladies jumped from
+their seats; O'Grady paused in his rage, and his poor, pale wife
+exclaimed--
+
+"'T is in the conservatory."
+
+A universal rush was now made to the spot, and there was Handy Andy,
+buried in the ruins of flower-pots and exotics, directly under an
+enormous breach in the glass roof of the building. How this occurred a
+few words will explain. Andy, when he went to sleep in the justice-room,
+slept soundly for some hours, but awoke in the horrors of a dream, in
+which he fancied he was about to be hanged. So impressed was he by the
+vision, that he determined on making his escape if he could, and to
+this end piled the chair upon the desk, and the volumes of law books on
+the chair, and, being an active fellow, contrived to scramble up high
+enough to lay his hand on the frame of the sky-light, and thus make his
+way out on the roof. Then walking, as well as the darkness would permit
+him, along the coping of the wall, he approached, as it chanced, the
+conservatory; but the coping being loose, one of the flags turned under
+Andy's foot, and bang he went through the glass roof, carrying down in
+his fall some score of flower-pots, and finally stuck in a tub, with
+his legs upwards, and embowered in the branches of crushed geraniums
+and hydrangeas.
+
+He was dragged out of the tub, amidst a shower of curses from O'Grady;
+but the moment Andy recovered the few senses he had, and saw Furlong,
+regardless of the anathemas of the Squire, he shouted out, "There he
+is!--there he is!" and rushing towards him, exclaimed, "Now, did I
+dhrowned you, sir,--did I? Sure, I never murdhered you!"
+
+'T was as much as could be done to keep O'Grady's hands off Andy, for
+smashing the conservatory, when Furlong's presence made him no longer
+liable to imprisonment.
+
+"Maybe he has a vote," said Furlong, anxious to display how much he was
+on the _qui vive_ in election matters.
+
+"_Have_ you a vote, you rascal?"
+
+"You may sarche me if you like, your honour," said Andy, who thought a
+vote was some sort of property he was suspected of stealing.
+
+"You are either the biggest rogue or the biggest fool I ever met," said
+O'Grady. "Which are you now?"
+
+"Whichever your honour plazes," said Andy.
+
+"If I forgive you, will you stand by me at the election?"
+
+"I'll stand anywhere your honour bids me," said Andy humbly.
+
+"That's a thorough-going rogue, I'm inclined to think," said O'Grady,
+aside to Furlong.
+
+"He looks more like a fool in my appwehension," was the reply.
+
+"Oh, these fellows conceal the deepest roguery sometimes under an
+assumed simplicity. You don't understand the Irish."
+
+"Und'stand!" exclaimed Furlong; "I pwonounce the whole countwy quite
+incompwhensible!"
+
+"Well!" growled O'Grady to Andy, after a moment's consideration, "go
+down to the kitchen, you house-breaking vagabond, and get your supper!"
+
+Now, considering the "fee, faw, fum" qualities of O'Grady, the reader
+may be surprised at the easy manner in which Andy slipped through his
+fingers, after having slipped through the roof of his conservatory; but
+as between two stools folks fall to the ground, so between two rages
+people sometimes tumble into safety. O'Grady was in a divided
+passion--first his wrath was excited against Furlong for _his_ blunder,
+and just as that was about to explode, the crash of Andy's sudden
+appearance amidst the flower-pots (like a practical parody on "Love
+among the roses") called off the gathering storm in a new direction,
+and the fury sufficient to annihilate one, was, by dispersion, harmless
+to two. But on the return of the party from the conservatory, after
+Andy's descent to the kitchen, O'Grady's rage against Furlong, though
+moderated, had settled down into a very substantial dissatisfaction,
+which he evinced by poking his nose between his forefinger and thumb,
+as if he meditated the abstraction of that salient feature from his
+face, shuffling his feet about, throwing his right leg over his left
+knee, and then suddenly, as if that were a mistake, throwing his left
+over the right, thrumming on the arm of his chair, with his clenched
+hand, inhaling the air very audibly through his protruded lips, as if
+he were supping hot soup, and all the time fixing his eyes on the fire
+with a portentous gaze, as if he would have evoked from it a
+salamander.
+
+Mrs. O'Grady in such a state of affairs, wishing to speak to the
+stranger, yet anxious she should say nothing that could bear upon
+immediate circumstances lest she might rouse her awful lord and master,
+racked her invention for what she should say; and at last, with "bated
+breath" and a very worn-out smile, faltered forth--
+
+"Pray, Mr. Furlong, are you fond of shuttlecock?"
+
+Furlong stared, and began a reply of "Weally, I _cawn't_ say
+that----"
+
+When O'Grady gruffly broke in with, "You'd better ask him, does he love
+teetotum."
+
+"I thought you could recommend me the best establishment in the
+metropolis, Mr. Furlong, for buying shuttlecocks," continued the lady,
+unmindful of the interruption.
+
+"You had better ask him where you can get mouse-traps," growled
+O'Grady.
+
+Mrs. O'Grady was silent, and O'Grady, whose rage had now assumed its
+absurd form of tagging changes, continued, increasing his growl, like a
+_crescendo_ on the double-bass, as he proceeded:--"You'd better ask,
+I think--mouse-traps--steel-traps--clap-traps--rat-traps--rattle-traps--
+rattle-snakes!"
+
+Furlong stared, Mrs. O'Grady was silent, and the Misses O'Grady cast
+fearful sidelong glances at "Pa," whose strange irritation always
+bespoke his not being in what good people call a "sweet state of mind;"
+he laid hold of a tea-spoon, and began beating a tattoo on the
+mantel-piece to a low smothered whistle of some very obscure tune, which
+was suddenly stopped to say to Furlong, very abruptly--
+
+"So Egan diddled you?"
+
+"Why, he certainly, as I conceive, pwactised, or I might say, in
+short--he--a--in fact----"
+
+"Oh, yes," said O'Grady, cutting short Furlong's humming and hawing;
+"oh, yes, I know--diddled you."
+
+Bang went the spoon again, keeping time with another string of nonsense.
+"Diddled you--diddle, diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped
+over the moon--who was there?"
+
+"A Mister Dawson."
+
+"Phew!" ejaculated O'Grady with a doleful whistle; "Dick the devil! You
+are in nice hands! All up with us--up with us--
+
+    Up, up, up,
+    And here we go down, down, down, down, derry down!
+
+Oh, murther!" and the spoon went faster than before. "Any one else?"
+
+"Mister Bermingham."
+
+"Bermingham!" exclaimed O'Grady.
+
+"A cle'gyman, I think," drawled Furlong.
+
+"Bermingham!" reiterated O'Grady. "What business has he there, and
+be ----!" O'Grady swallowed a curse when he remembered he was a
+clergyman. "The enemy's camp--not his principles! Oh, Bermingham,
+Bermingham,--B_rim_magem, B_rum_magem, Sheffield, Wolverhampton--Murther!
+Any one else? Was Durfy there?"
+
+"No," said Furlong; "but there was an odd pe'son, whose name wymes to
+his--as you seem fond of wymes, Mister O'Gwady."
+
+"What!" said O'Grady, quickly, and fixing his eyes on Furlong;
+"Murphy?"
+
+"Yes. Miste' Muffy."
+
+O'Grady gave a more doleful whistle than before, and banging the spoon
+faster than ever, exclaimed again, "Murphy!--then I'll tell you what it
+is; do you see that?" and he held up the spoon before Furlong, who,
+being asked the same question several times, confessed he _did_ see the
+spoon. "Then I'll tell you what it is," said O'Grady again, "I wouldn't
+give you _that_ for the election;" and, with a disdainful jerk, he threw
+the spoon into the fire, after which he threw himself back in his chair
+with an appearance of repose, while he glanced fiercely up at the
+ceiling, and indulged in a _very_ low whistle indeed. One of the girls
+stole softly round to the fire and gently took up the tongs to recover
+the spoon; it made a slight rattle, and her father turned smartly round,
+and said, "Can't you let the fire alone?--there's coal enough on it; the
+devil burn 'em all--Egan, Murphy, and all o' them! What do you stand
+there for, with the tongs in your hands, like a hairdresser, or a stuck
+pig? I tell you, I'm as hot as a lime-kiln; go out o' that."
+
+The daughter retired, and the spoon was left to its fate; the ladies did
+not dare to utter a word; O'Grady continued his gaze on the ceiling and
+his whistle; and Furlong, very uncomfortable and much more astonished,
+after sitting in silence for some time, thought a retreat the best move
+he could make, and intimated his wish to retire.
+
+Mrs. O'Grady gently suggested it was yet early; which Furlong
+acknowledged, but pleaded his extreme fatigue after a day of great
+exertion.
+
+"I suppose you were canvassing," said O'Grady, with a wicked grin.
+
+"Ce'tainly not; they could sca'cely pwesume on such a thing as that, I
+should think, in _my_ pwesence."
+
+"Then what fatigued you?--eh?"
+
+"Salmon-fishing, sir."
+
+"What!" exclaimed O'Grady, opening his fierce eyes, and turning suddenly
+round. "Salmon-fishing! Where the d----l were you salmon-fishing?"
+
+"In the wiver, close by here."
+
+The ladies now all stared; but Furlong advanced a vehement assurance,
+in answer to their looks of wonder, that he had taken some very fine
+salmon indeed.
+
+The girls could not suppress their laughter; and O'Grady, casting a
+look of mingled rage and contempt on the fisherman, merely uttered the
+ejaculation, "Oh, Moses!" and threw himself back in his chair; but
+starting up a moment after, he rang the bell violently. "What do you
+want, my dear?" said his poor wife, venturing to lift her eyes, and
+speaking in the humblest tone--"what do you want?"
+
+"Some broiled bones!" said O'Grady, very much like an ogre; "I want
+something to settle my stomach after what I've heard, for, by the
+powers of ipecacuanha, 't is enough to make a horse sick--sick, by the
+powers!--shivering all over like a dog in a wet sack. I must have
+broiled bones and hot punch!"
+
+The servant entered, and O'Grady swore at him for not coming sooner,
+though he was really expeditious in his answer to the bell.
+
+"Confound your lazy bones; you're never in time."
+
+"'Deed, sir; I came the minit I heerd the bell."
+
+"Hold your tongue!--who bid you talk? The devil fly away with you!--and
+you'll never go fast till he does. Make haste now--go to the cook----"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"Curse you! can't you wait till you get your message? Go to the devil
+with you!--get some broiled bones--hot water and tumblers--don't forget
+the whisky--and pepper them well. Mind, hot--everything hot--screeching
+hot. Be off, now, and make haste--mind, make haste!"
+
+"Yes, sir," said the servant, whipping out of the room with celerity,
+and thanking Heaven when he had the door between him and his savage
+master. When he got to the kitchen, he told the cook to make haste, if
+ever she made haste in her life, "for there's owld Danger up-stairs in
+the divil's temper, God bless us!" said Mick.
+
+"Faix, he's always that," said the cook, scurrying across the kitchen
+for the gridiron.
+
+"Oh! but he's beyant all to-night," said Mick; "I think he'll murther
+that chap up-stairs before he stops."
+
+"Oh, wirra! wirra!" cried the cook; "there's the fire not bright, bad
+luck to it, and he wantin' a brile!"
+
+"Bright or not bright," said Mick, "make haste I'd advise you, or he'll
+have your life."
+
+The bell rang violently.
+
+"There, do you hear him tattherin'?" said Mick, rushing up-stairs.
+
+"I thought it was tay they wor takin'," said Larry Hogan, who was
+sitting in the chimney-corner, smoking.
+
+"So they are," said the cook.
+
+"Then I suppose, briled bones is genteel with tay?" said Larry.
+
+"Oh, no; it's not for tay, at all, they want them; it's only ould Danger
+himself. Whenever he's in a rage, he ates briled bones."
+
+"'Faith, they are a brave cure for anger," said Larry; "I wouldn't be
+angry myself, if I had one."
+
+Down rushed Mick, to hurry the cook--bang, twang! went the bell as he
+spoke. "Oh, listen to him!" said Mick: "for the tendher mercy o' Heaven,
+make haste!"
+
+The cook transferred the bones from the gridiron to a hot dish.
+
+"Oh, murther, but they're smoked!" said Mick.
+
+"No matther," said the cook, shaking her red elbow furiously; "I'll
+smother the smoke with the pepper--there!--give them a good dab o'
+musthard now, and sarve them hot!"
+
+Away rushed Mick, as the bell was rattled into fits again.
+
+While the cook had been broiling bones for O'Grady below, he had been
+grilling Furlong for himself above. In one of the pauses of the storm,
+the victim ventured to suggest to his tormentor that all the mischief
+that had arisen might have been avoided, if O'Grady had met him at the
+village, as he requested of him in one of his letters. O'Grady denied
+all knowledge of such a request, and after some queries about certain
+portions of the letter, it became manifest it had miscarried.
+
+"There!" said O'Grady; "there's a second letter astray; I'm certain they
+put my letters astray on purpose. There's a plot in the post-office
+against me; by this and that, I'll have an inquiry. I wish all the
+post-offices in the world were blown up; and all the postmasters hanged,
+postmaster-general and all--I do--by the 'ternal war, I do--and all the
+mail coaches in the world ground to powder, and the roads they go on
+into the bargain--devil a use in them but to carry bad news over the
+universe--for all the letters with any good in them are lost; and if
+there's a money enclosure in one, that's sure to be robbed. Blow the
+post-office, I say--blow it, and sink it!"
+
+It was at this moment Mick entered with the broiled bones, and while he
+was in the room, placing glasses on the table, and making the necessary
+arrangements for making "screeching hot punch," he heard O'Grady and
+Furlong talking about the two lost letters.
+
+On his descent to the kitchen, the cook was spreading a bit of supper
+there, in which Andy was to join, he having just completed some
+applications of brown paper and vinegar to the bruises received in his
+fall. Larry Hogan, too, was invited to share in the repast; and it was
+not the first time, by many, that Larry quartered on the Squire. Indeed,
+many a good larder was opened to Larry Hogan; he held a very deep
+interest in the regards of all the female domestics over the country,
+not on the strength of his personal charms, for Larry had a hanging lip,
+a snub nose, a low forehead, a large ugly head, whose scrubby grizzled
+hair grew round the crown somewhat in the form of a priest's tonsure.
+Not on the strength of his gallantry, for Larry was always talking
+morality and making sage reflections, while he supplied the womankind
+with bits of lace, rolls of ribbon, and now and then silk stockings. He
+always had some plausible story of how they happened to come in his way,
+for Larry was not a regular pedlar; carrying no box, he drew his chance
+treasures from the recesses of very deep pockets contrived in various
+parts of his attire. No one asked Larry how he came by such a continued
+supply of natty articles, and if they had, Larry would not have told
+them; for he was a very "close" man, as well as a "civil-spoken," under
+which character he was first introduced to the reader on the memorable
+night of Andy's destructive adventure in his mother's cabin. Larry Hogan
+was about as shrewd a fellow as any in the whole country, and while no
+one could exactly make out what _he_ was, or how he made the two ends of
+his year meet, he knew nearly as much of every one's affairs as they did
+themselves; in the phrase of the country, he was "as 'cute as a fox, as
+close as wax, and as deep as a draw-well."
+
+The supper-party sat down in the kitchen, and between every three
+mouthfuls poor Mick could get, he was obliged to canter up-stairs at
+the call of the fiercely rung bell. Ever and anon, as he returned, he
+bolted his allowance with an ejaculation, sometimes pious, sometimes
+the reverse, on the hard fate of attending such a "born devil," as he
+called the Squire.
+
+"Why he's worse nor ever, to-night," says the cook. "What ails him at
+all--what is it all about?"
+
+"Oh, he's blackguardin' and blastin' away about that quare
+slink-lookin' chap, up-stairs, goin' to Squire Egan's instead of comin'
+here."
+
+"That was a bit o' your handy work," said Larry, with a grim smile at
+Andy.
+
+"And then," said Mick, "he's swearin' by all the murthers in the world
+agen the whole counthry, about some letthers was stole out of the
+post-office by somebody."
+
+Andy's hand was in the act of raising a mouthful to his lips, when
+these words were uttered; his hand fell, and his mouth remained open.
+Larry Hogan had his eye on him at the moment.
+
+"He swares he'll have some one in the body o' the jail," said Mick;
+"and he'll never stop till he sees them swing."
+
+Andy thought of the effigy on the wall, and his dream, and grew pale.
+
+"By the hokey," said Mick, "I never see him in sitch a tattherin'
+rage!"--bang went the bell again--"Ow, ow!" cried Mick, bolting a piece
+of fat bacon, wiping his mouth on the sleeve of his livery, and running
+up-stairs.
+
+"Misses Cook, ma'am," said Andy, shoving back his chair from the table;
+"thank you, ma'am, for your good supper. I think I'll be goin' now."
+
+"Sure, you're not done yet, man alive."
+
+"Enough is as good as a feast, ma'am," replied Andy.
+
+"Augh! sure the morsel you took is more like a fast than a feast," said
+the cook, "and it's not Lent."
+
+"It's not lent, sure enough," said Larry Hogan, with a sly grin; "it's
+not _lent_, for you _gave_ it to him."
+
+"Ah, Misther Hogan, you're always goin' on with your conundherums,"
+said the cook; "sure, that's not the lent I mane at all--I mane Good
+Friday Lent."
+
+"Faix, every Friday is good Friday that a man gets his supper," said
+Larry.
+
+"Well, you _will_ be goin' on, Misther Hogan," said the cook. "Oh,
+but you're a witty man; but I'd rather have a yard of your lace, any
+day, than a mile o' your discourse."
+
+"Sure, you ought not to mind my goin' _on_, when you're lettin'
+another man go _off_, that-a-way," said Larry, pointing to Andy,
+who, hat in hand, was quitting the kitchen.
+
+"Faix an' he mustn't go," said the cook; "there's two words to that
+bargain;" and she closed the door, and put her back against it.
+
+"My mother's expectin' me, ma'am," said Andy.
+
+"Throth, if 't was your wife was expectin' you, she must wait a bit,"
+said the cook; "sure you wouldn't leave the thirsty curse on my
+kitchen?--you must take a dhrop before you go; besides the dogs outside
+the place would ate you onless there was some one they knew along wid
+you: and sure, if a dog bit you, you couldn't dhrink wather afther, let
+alone a dhrop o' beer, or a thrifle o' sper'ts: isn't that thrue,
+Misther Hogan?"
+
+"Indeed an' it is, ma'am," answered Larry; "no one can dhrink afther a
+dog bites them, and that's the rayson that the larn'd fackleties calls
+the disaise high-_dhry_----"
+
+"High-dhry what?" asked the cook.
+
+"That's what I'm thinkin' of," said Larry.
+"High-dhry--high-dhry--something."
+
+"There's high-dhry snuff," said the cook.
+
+"Oh, no--no, no, ma'am!" said Larry, waving his hand and shaking his
+head, as if unwilling to be interrupted in endeavouring to recall
+
+    "Some fleeting remembrance;"
+
+"high-dhry--po--po--something about po; 'faith, it's not unlike
+popery," said Larry.
+
+"Don't say popery," cried the cook; "it's a dirty word! Say Roman
+Catholic when you spake of the faith."
+
+"Do you think _I_ would undhervalue the faith?" said Larry, casting up
+his eyes. "Oh, Missis Mulligan, you know little of me; d' you think I
+would undhervalue what is my hope, past, present, and to come?--_what_
+makes our hearts light when our lot is heavy?--_what_ makes us love our
+neighbour as ourselves?"
+
+"Indeed, Misther Hogan," broke in the cook, "I never knew any one
+fonder of calling in on a neighbour than yourself, particularly about
+dinner-time----"
+
+"What makes us," said Larry, who would _not_ let the cook
+interrupt his outpouring of pious eloquence--"what makes us fierce in
+prosperity to our friends, and meek in adversity to our inimies?"
+
+"Oh! Misther Hogan!" said the cook, blessing herself.
+
+"What puts the leg undher you when you are in throuble? why, your
+faith: what makes you below desait, and above reproach, and on neither
+side of nothin'?" Larry slapped the table like a prime minister, and
+there was no opposition. "Oh, Missis Mulligan, do you think I would
+desaive or bethray my fellow-crayture? Oh, no--I would not wrong the
+child unborn,"--and this favourite phrase of Larry (and other rascals)
+was, and is, unconsciously, true; for people, most generally, must be
+born before they _can_ be much wronged.
+
+"Oh, Missis Mulligan," said Larry, with a devotional appeal of his eyes
+to the ceiling, "be at war with sin, and you'll be at paice with
+yourself!"
+
+Just as Larry wound up his pious peroration, Mick shoved in the door,
+against which the cook supported herself, and told Andy the Squire said
+he should not leave the Hall that night.
+
+Andy looked aghast.
+
+Again Larry Hogan's eye was on him.
+
+"Sure I can come back here in the mornin'," said Andy, who at the
+moment he spoke was conscious of the intention of being some forty
+miles out of the place before dawn, if he could get away.
+
+"When the Squire says a thing, it must be done," said Mick. "You must
+sleep here."
+
+"And pleasant dhrames to you," said Larry, who saw Andy wince under his
+kindly worded stab.
+
+"And where must I sleep?" asked Andy, dolefully.
+
+"Out in the big loft," said Mick.
+
+"I'll show you the way," said Larry; "I'm goin' to sleep there myself
+to-night, for it would be too far to go home. Good night, Mrs.
+Mulligan--good night, Mickey--come along, Andy."
+
+Andy followed Hogan. They had to cross a yard to reach the stables; the
+night was clear, and the waning moon shed a steady though not a bright
+light on the enclosure. Hogan cast a lynx eye around him to see if the
+coast was clear, and satisfying himself it was, he laid his hand
+impressively on Andy's arm as they reached the middle of the yard, and
+setting Andy's face right against the moonlight, so that he might watch
+the slightest expression, he paused for a moment before he spoke; and
+when he spoke, it was in a low mysterious whisper--low, as if he feared
+the night breeze might betray it,--and the words were few, but potent,
+which he uttered; they were these--"_Who robbed the post-office?_"
+
+The result quite satisfied Hogan; and he knew how to turn his knowledge
+to account. O'Grady and Egan were no longer friends; a political contest
+was pending; letters were missing; Andy had been Egan's servant; and
+Larry Hogan had enough of that mental chemical power, which, from a few
+raw facts, unimportant separately, could make a combination of great
+value.
+
+Soon after breakfast at Merryvale the following morning, Mrs. Egan
+wanted to see the Squire. She went to his sitting-room--it was bolted.
+He told her, from the inside, he was engaged just then, but would see
+her by-and-by. She retired to the drawing-room, where Fanny was singing.
+"Oh, Fanny," said her sister, "sing me that dear new song of 'The
+Voices,' 't is so sweet, and must be felt by those who, like me, have a
+happy home."
+
+Fanny struck a few notes of a wild and peculiar symphony, and sang her
+sister's favourite.
+
+    THE VOICE WITHIN
+
+    I
+
+    You ask the dearest place on earth,
+      Whose simple joys can never die;
+    'T is the holy pale of the happy hearth,
+      Where love doth light each beaming eye.
+            With snowy shroud
+            Let tempests loud
+    Around my old tower raise their din;--
+            What boots the shout
+            Of storms without,
+    While voices sweet resound within?
+            O dearer sound
+            For the tempests round,
+              The voices sweet within!
+
+    II
+
+    I ask not wealth, I ask not power;
+      But, gracious Heaven, oh grant to me
+    That, when the storms of Fate may lower,
+      My heart just like my home may be!
+          When in the gale
+          Poor Hope's white sail
+    No haven can for shelter win,
+          Fate's darkest skies
+          The heart defies
+    Whose still small voice is sweet within
+          O, heavenly sound,
+          'Mid the tempests round,
+            That voice so sweet within!
+
+Egan had entered as Fanny was singing the second verse; he wore a
+troubled air, which his wife at first did not remark. "Is not that a
+sweet song, Edward?" said she. "No one ought to like it more than you,
+for your home is your happiness, and no one has a clearer conscience."
+
+Egan kissed her gently, and thanked her for her good opinion, and asked
+her what she wished to say to him. They left the room.
+
+Fanny remarked Egan's unusually troubled air, and it marred her music;
+leaving the piano, and walking to the window, she saw Larry Hogan
+walking from the house, down the avenue.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+
+If the morning brought uneasiness and distrust to Merryvale, it dawned
+not more brightly on Neck-or-Nothing Hall. The discord of the former
+night was not preparatory to harmony on the morrow, and the parties
+separating in ill-humour from the drawing-room were not likely to look
+forward with much pleasure to the breakfast-parlour. But before
+breakfast sleep was to intervene--that is, for those who could get
+it--and the unfortunate Furlong was not amongst the number. Despite the
+very best feather bed Mrs. O'Grady had selected for him from amongst her
+treasures, it was long before slumber weighed down his feverish eyelids;
+and even then, it was only to have them opened again in some convulsive
+start of a troubled dream. All his adventures of the last four-and-twenty
+hours were jumbled together in strange confusion--now on a lonely road,
+while dreading the assaults of robbers, his course was interrupted not
+by a highwayman, but a river, whereon embarking, he began to catch
+salmon in a most surprisingly rapid manner, but just as he was about to
+haul in his fish it escaped from the hook, and the salmon, making wry
+faces at him, very impertinently exclaimed, "Sure, you wouldn't catch a
+poor, ignorant, Irish salmon?" He then snapped his pistols at the
+insolent fish--then his carriage breaks down, and he is suddenly
+transferred from the river to the road; thieves seize upon him and bind
+his hands, but a charming young lady with pearly teeth frees him from
+his bonds, and conducts him to a castle where a party is engaged in
+playing cards; he is invited to join, and as his cards are dealt to him
+he anticipates triumph in the game, but by some malicious fortune his
+trumps are transformed into things of no value, as they touch the board;
+he loses his money, and is kicked out when his purse has been emptied,
+and he escapes along a dark road pursued by his spoilers, who would take
+his life, and a horrid cry of "broiled bones," rings in his ears as he
+flies; he is seized and thrown into a river, where, as he sinks, shoals
+of salmon raise a chorus of rejoicing, and he wakes out of the agonies
+of dream-drowning to find himself nearly suffocated by sinking into the
+feathery depths of Mrs. O'Grady's pet bed. After a night passed in such
+troubled visions the unfortunate Furlong awoke unrefreshed, and, with
+bitter recollections of the past and mournful anticipations of the
+future, arose and prepared to descend to the parlour, where a servant
+told him breakfast was ready.
+
+His morning greeting by the family was not of that hearty and cheerful
+character which generally distinguishes the house of an Irish squire;
+for though O'Grady was not so savage as on the preceding evening, he
+was rather gruff, and the ladies dreaded being agreeable when the
+master's temper blew from a stormy point. Furlong could not help
+regretting at this moment the lively breakfast-table at Merryvale,
+nor avoid contrasting to disadvantage the two Miss O'Gradys with
+Fanny Dawson. Augusta, the eldest, inherited the prominent nose of
+her father, and something of his upper lip too, beard included; and these,
+unfortunately, were all she was ever likely to inherit from him; and
+Charlotte, the younger, had the same traits in a moderated degree.
+Altogether, he thought the girls the plainest he had ever seen, and the
+house more horrible than anything that was ever imagined; and he sighed
+a faint fashionable sigh, to think his political duties had expelled him
+from a paradise to send him
+
+    "The other way--the other way!"
+
+Four boys and a little girl sat at a side-table, where a capacious jug
+of milk, large bowls, and a lusty loaf were laid under contribution
+amidst a suppressed but continuous wrangle, which was going forward
+amongst the juniors; and a snappish "I will" or "I won't," a "Let me
+alone" or a "Behave yourself," occasionally was distinguishable above
+the murmur of dissatisfaction. A little squall from the little girl at
+last made O'Grady turn round and swear that, if they did not
+_behave_ themselves, he'd turn them all out.
+
+"It is all Goggy, sir," said the girl.
+
+"No, it's not, you dirty little thing," cried George, whose name was
+thus euphoniously abbreviated.
+
+"He's putting----" said the girl, with excitement.
+
+"Ah, you dirty little----" interrupted Goggy, in a low, contemptuous
+tone.
+
+"He's putting, sir----"
+
+"Whisht! you young devils, will you?" cried O'Grady, and a momentary
+silence prevailed; but the little girl snivelled and put up her bib[14]
+to wipe her eyes, while Goggy put out his tongue at her. Many minutes
+had not elapsed when the girl again whimpered--
+
+      [14] Pinafore.
+
+"Call to Goggy, papa; he's putting some mouse's tails into my milk,
+sir."
+
+"Ah, you dirty little tell-tale!" cried Goggy, reproachfully; "a
+tell-tale is worse than a mouse's tail."
+
+O'Grady jumped up, gave Master Goggy a box on the ear, and then caught
+him by the aforesaid appendage to his head, and as he led him to the
+door by the same, Goggy bellowed lustily, and when ejected from the room
+howled down the passage more like a dog than a human being. O'Grady, on
+resuming his seat, told Polshee[15] (the little girl) she was always
+getting Goggy a beating, and she _was_ a little cantankerous cat and a
+dirty tell-tale, as Goggy said. Amongst the ladies and Furlong the
+breakfast went forward with coldness and constraint, and all were glad
+when it was nearly over. At this period, Mrs. O'Grady half filled a
+large bowl from the tea-urn, and then added to it some weak tea, and
+Miss O'Grady collected all the broken bread about the table on a plate.
+Just then Furlong ventured to "twouble" Mrs. O'Grady for a _leetle_ more
+tea, and before he handed her his cup he would have emptied the sediment
+in the slop-basin, but by mistake he popped it into the large bowl of
+_miserable_ Mrs. O'Grady had prepared. Furlong begged a thousand
+pardons, but Mrs. O'Grady assured him it was of no consequence, _as it
+was only for the tutor_!
+
+      [15] Mary.
+
+O'Grady, having swallowed his breakfast as fast as possible, left the
+room; the whole party soon followed, and on arriving in the
+drawing-room, the young ladies became more agreeable when no longer
+under the constraint of their ogre father. Furlong talked slip-slop
+common-places with them; they spoke of the country and the weather, and
+he of the city; they assured him that the dews were heavy in the
+evening, and that the grass was _so_ green in that part of the country;
+he obliged them with the interesting information, that the Liffy ran
+through Dublin, but that the two sides of the city communicated by means
+of bridges--that the houses were built of red brick generally, and that
+the hall-doors were painted in imitation of mahogany; to which the young
+ladies responded, "La, how odd!" and added, that in the country people
+mostly painted their hall-doors green, to match the grass. Furlong
+admitted the propriety of the proceeding, and said he liked uniformity.
+The young ladies quite coincided in his opinion, declared they all were
+so fond of uniformity, and added that one of their carriage horses was
+blind. Furlong admitted the excellence of the observation, and said, in
+a very soft voice, that Love was blind also.
+
+"Exactly," said Miss O'Grady, "and that's the reason we call our horse
+'Cupid'!"
+
+"How clever!" replied Furlong.
+
+"And the mare that goes in harness with him--she's an ugly creature, to
+be sure, but we call her 'Venus.'"
+
+"How dwoll!" said Furlong.
+
+"That's for uniformity," said Miss O'Grady.
+
+"How good!" was the rejoinder.
+
+Mrs. O'Grady, who had left the room for a few minutes, now returned and
+told Furlong she would show him over the house if he pleased. He
+assented, of course, and under her guidance went through many
+apartments; those on the basement story were hurried through rapidly,
+but when Mrs. O'Grady got him upstairs, amongst the bed-rooms, she dwelt
+on the excellence of every apartment. "This I need not show you, Mr.
+Furlong--'t is your own; I hope you slept well last night?" This was the
+twentieth time the question had been asked. "Now, here is another, Mr.
+Furlong; the window looks out on the lawn: so nice to look out on a
+lawn, I think, in the morning, when one gets up!--so refreshing and
+wholesome! Oh! you are looking at the stain in the ceiling, but we
+couldn't get the roof repaired in time before the winter set in last
+year; and Mr. O'Grady thought we might as well have the painters and
+slaters together in the summer--and the house does want paint, indeed,
+but we all hate the smell of paint. See here, Mr. Furlong," and she
+turned up a quilt as she spoke; "just put your hand into that bed; did
+you ever feel a finer bed?"
+
+Furlong declared he never did.
+
+"Oh, you don't know how to feel a bed!--put your hand into it--well,
+that way;" and Mrs. O'Grady plunged her arm up to the elbow into the
+object of her admiration.  Furlong poked the bed, and was all
+laudation.
+
+"Isn't it beautiful?"
+
+"Cha'ming!" replied Furlong, trying to pick off the bits of down which
+clung to his coat.
+
+"Oh, never mind the down--you shall be brushed after; I always show my
+beds, Mr. Furlong. Now, here's another;" and so she went on, dragging
+poor Furlong up and down the house, and he did not get out of her
+clutches till he had poked all the beds in the establishment. As soon as
+that ceremony was over, and that his coat had undergone the process of
+brushing, he wished to take a stroll, and was going forth, when Mrs.
+O'Grady interrupted him, with the assurance that it would not be safe
+unless some one of the family became his escort, for the dogs were very
+fierce--Mr. O'Grady was _so_ fond of dogs, and _so_ proud of a
+particular breed of dogs he had, so remarkable for their courage--he
+had better wait till the boys had done their Latin lesson. So Furlong
+was marched back to the drawing-room.
+
+There the younger daughter addressed him with a message from her
+grandmamma, who wished to have the pleasure of making his acquaintance,
+and hoped he would pay her a visit. Furlong, of course, was "quite
+delighted," and "too happy," and the young lady, thereupon, led him to
+the old lady's apartment.
+
+The old dowager had been a beauty in her youth--one of the belles of
+the Irish court, and when she heard "a gentleman from Dublin Castle"
+was in the house she desired to see him. To see any one from the seat
+of her juvenile joys and triumphs would have given her delight, were it
+only the coachman that had driven a carriage to a levee or drawing-room;
+she could ask him about the sentinels at the gate, the entrance-porch,
+and if the long range of windows yet glittered with lights on St.
+Patrick's night; but to have a conversation with an official from that
+seat of government and courtly pleasure was, indeed, something to make
+her happy.
+
+On Furlong being introduced, the old lady received him very courteously,
+at the same time with a certain air that betokened she was accustomed to
+deference. Her commanding figure was habited in a loose morning wrapper,
+made of grey flannel; but while this gave evidence she studied her
+personal comfort rather than appearance, a bit of pretty silk
+handkerchief about the neck, very knowingly displayed, and a becoming
+ribbon in her cap showed she did not quite neglect her good looks; it
+did not require a very quick eye to see, besides, a small touch of rouge
+on the cheek which age had depressed, and the assistance of Indian ink
+to the eyebrow which time had thinned and faded. A glass filled with
+flowers stood on the table before her, and a quantity of books lay
+scattered about; a guitar--not the Spanish instrument now in fashion,
+but the English one of some eighty years ago, strung with wire and tuned
+in thirds--hung by a _blue ribbon_ beside her; a corner cupboard,
+fantastically carved, bore some curious specimens of china on one side
+of the room; while, in strange discord with what was really scarce and
+beautiful, the commonest Dutch cuckoo-clock was suspended on the
+opposite wall; close beside her chair stood a very pretty little Japan
+table, bearing a looking-glass with numerous drawers framed in the same
+material; and while Furlong seated himself, the old lady cast a sidelong
+glance at the mirror, and her withered fingers played with the fresh
+ribbon.
+
+"You have recently arrived from the Castle, sir, I understand."
+
+"Quite wecently, madam--awived last night."
+
+"I hope his Excellency is well--not that I have the honour of his
+acquaintance, but I love the Lord Lieutenant--and the aides-de-camps
+are so nice, and the little pages!--put a marker in that book," said
+she, in an under-tone, to her granddaughter, "page seventy-four--ah,"
+she resumed in a higher tone, "that reminds me of the Honourable
+Captain Wriggle, who commanded a seventy-four, and danced with me at
+the Castle the evening Lady Legge sprained her ankle. By-the-bye, are
+there any seventy-fours in Dublin now?"
+
+"I wather think," said Furlong, "the bay is not sufficiently deep for
+line-of-battle ships."
+
+"Oh dear, yes! I have seen quantities of seventy-fours there; though,
+indeed, I am not quite sure if it wasn't at _Splithead_. Give me the
+smelling salts, Charlotte, love; mine does ache indeed! How subject the
+dear Duchess of Rutland was to headaches; you did not know the Duchess
+of Rutland?--no, to be sure, what am I thinking of? you're too young;
+but those were the charming days! You have heard, of course, the
+duchess's _bon mot_ in reply to the compliment of Lord ----, but I must
+not mention his name, because there was some scandal about them; but the
+gentleman said to the duchess--I must tell you she was Isabella, Duchess
+of Rutland--and he said, 'Isabelle _is_ a _belle_,' to which the duchess
+replied, 'Isabelle _was_ a _belle_.'"
+
+"Vewy neat, indeed!" said Furlong.
+
+"Ah! poor thing," said the dowager, with a sigh, "she was beginning to
+be a little _passee_ then;" she looked in the glass herself, and added,
+"Dear me, how pale I am this morning!" and pulling out one of the little
+drawers from the Japan looking-glass, she took out a pot of rouge and
+heightened the colour on her cheek. The old lady not only heightened her
+own colour, but that of the witnesses--of Furlong particularly, who was
+_quite_ surprised. "Why am I so very pale this morning, Charlotte love?"
+continued the old lady.
+
+"You sit up so late reading, grandmamma."
+
+"Ah, who can resist the fascination of the muses? You are fond of
+literature, I hope, sir?"
+
+"Extwemely," replied Furlong.
+
+"As a statesman," continued the old lady--to whom Furlong made a deep
+obeisance at the word "statesman"--"as a statesman, of course your
+reading lies in the more solid department; but if you ever _do_
+condescend to read a romance, there is the sweetest thing I ever met I
+am just now engaged in; it is called 'The Blue Robber of the Pink
+Mountain.' I have not come to the pink mountain yet, but the blue robber
+is the most perfect character. The author, however, is guilty of a
+strange forgetfulness; he begins by speaking of the robber as of the
+middle age, and soon after describes him as a young man. Now, how could
+a young man be of the middle age?"
+
+"It seems a stwange inaccuwacy," lisped Furlong. "But poets sometimes
+pwesume on the pwivelege they have of doing what they please with their
+hewoes."
+
+"Quite true, sir. And talking of heroes, I hope the Knights of St.
+Patrick are well--I do admire them so much!--'t is so interesting to see
+their banners and helmets hanging up in St. Patrick's Cathedral, that
+venerable pile!--with the loud peal of the organ--sublime--isn't
+it?--the banners almost tremble in the vibration of the air to the loud
+swell of the 'A-a-a-men!'--the very banners seem to wave 'Amen!' Oh,
+that swell is so fine!--I think they are fond of swells in the choir;
+they have a good effect, and some of the young men are so good
+looking!--and the little boys, too--I suppose they are choristers'
+children?"
+
+The old lady made a halt, and Furlong filled up the pause by declaring,
+"He weally couldn't say."
+
+"I hope you admire the service at St. Patrick's?" continued the old
+lady.
+
+"Ye-s, I think St. Paytwick's a vewy amusing place of wo'ship."
+
+"Amusing," said the old lady, half offended. "Inspiring, you mean; not
+that I think the sermon interesting, but the anthem!--oh, the anthem,
+it is so fine!--and the old banners, those are my delight--the dear
+banners covered with dust!"
+
+"Oh, as far as that goes," said Furlong, "they have impwoved the
+cathedwal vewy much, fo' they white-washed it inside, and put up
+_noo_ banners."
+
+"Whitewash and new banners!" exclaimed the indignant dowager; "the
+Goths! to remove an atom of the romantic dust! I would not have let a
+house-maid into the place for the world! But they have left the anthem,
+I hope?"
+
+"Oh, yes; the anthem is continued, but with a small diffewence:--they
+used to sing the anthem befo' the se'mon, but the people used to go
+away afte' the anthem and neve' waited fo' the se'mon, and the bishop,
+who is pwoud of his pweaching, orde'ed the anthem to be postponed till
+afte' the se'mon."
+
+"Oh, yes," said the old lady, "I remember, now, hearing of that, and
+some of the wags in Dublin saying the bishop was jealous of old
+Spray;[16] and didn't somebody write something called 'Pulpit versus
+Organloft'?"
+
+      [16] One of the finest tenors of the last century.
+
+"I cawn't say."
+
+"Well, I am glad you like the cathedral, sir; but I wish they had not
+dusted the banners; I used to look at them all the time the service
+went on--they were so romantic! I suppose you go there every Sunday?"
+
+"I go in the summe'," said Furlong; "the place is _so_ cold in the
+winte'."
+
+"That's true indeed," responded the Dowager, "and it's quite funny,
+when your teeth are chattering with cold, to hear Spray singing,
+'Comfort ye, my people;' but, to be sure, _that_ is almost enough
+to warm you. You are fond of music, I perceive?"
+
+"Vewy!"
+
+"_I_ play the guitar--(citra--cithra--or lute, as it is called by
+poets). I sometimes sing, too. Do you know 'The lass with the delicate
+air'? a sweet ballad of the old school--my instrument once belonged to
+Dolly Bland, the celebrated Mrs. Jordan now--ah, there, sir, is a
+brilliant specimen of Irish mirthfulness--what a creature she is! Hand
+me my lute, child," she said to her granddaughter; and having adjusted
+the blue ribbon over her shoulder, and twisted the tuning-pegs, and
+thrummed upon the wires for some time, she made a prelude and cleared
+her throat to sing "The lass with the delicate air," when the loud
+whirring of the clock-wheels interrupted her, and she looked up with
+great delight at a little door in the top of the clock, which suddenly
+sprang open, and out popped a wooden bird.
+
+"Listen to my bird, sir," said the old lady.
+
+The sound of "cuckoo" was repeated twelve times, the bird popped in
+again, the little door closed, and the monotonous tick of the clock
+continued.
+
+"That's my little bird, sir, that tells me secrets; and now, sir, you
+must leave me; I never receive visits after twelve. I can't sing you
+'The lass with the delicate air' to-day, for who would compete with the
+feathered songsters of the grove? and after my sweet little warbler up
+there, I dare not venture: but I will sing it for you to-morrow. Good
+morning, sir. I am happy to have had the honour of making your
+acquaintance." She bowed Furlong out very politely, and as her
+granddaughter was following, she said, "My love, you must not forget
+some seeds for my little bird." Furlong looked _rather_ surprised, for
+he saw no bird but the one in the clock; the young lady marked his
+expression, and as she closed the door she said, "You must not mind
+grandmamma; you know she is sometimes a little queer."
+
+Furlong was now handed over to the boys, to show him over the domain;
+and they, young imps as they were, knowing he was in no favour with
+their father, felt they might treat him as ill as they pleased, and
+quiz him with impunity. The first portion of Furlong's penance
+consisted in being dragged through dirty stable-yards and out-houses,
+and shown the various pets of all the parties; dogs, pigeons, rabbits,
+weasels, et caetera, were paraded, and their qualities expatiated upon,
+till poor Furlong was quite weary of them, and expressed a desire to
+see the domain. Horatio, the second boy, whose name was abbreviated to
+Ratty, told him they must wait for Gusty, who was mending his spear.
+"We're going to spear for eels," said the boy; "did you ever spear for
+eels?"
+
+"I should think not," said Furlong, with a knowing smile, who suspected
+this was intended to be a second edition of quizzing _a la mode de
+saumon_.
+
+"You think I'm joking," said the boy, "but it's famous sport, I can
+tell you; but if you're tired of waiting here, come along with me to
+the milliner's, and we can wait for Gusty there."
+
+While following the boy, who jumped along to the tune of a jig he was
+whistling, now and then changing the whistle into a song to the same
+tune, with very odd words indeed, and a burden of gibberish ending with
+"riddle-diddle-dow," Furlong wondered what a milliner could have to do
+in such an establishment, and his wonder was not lessened when his
+guide added, "The milliner is a queer chap, and maybe he'll tell us
+something funny."
+
+"Then the milline' is a man?" said Furlong.
+
+"Yes," said the boy, laughing; "and he does not work with needle and
+thread either."
+
+They approached a small out-house as he spoke, and the sharp clinking
+of a hammer fell on the ear. Shoving open a rickety door, the boy
+cried, "Well, Fogy, I've brought a gentleman to see you. This is Fogy,
+the milliner, sir," said he to Furlong, whose surprise was further
+increased, when, in the person of the man called the milliner, he
+beheld a tinker.
+
+"What a strange pack of people I have got amongst," thought Furlong.
+
+The old tinker saw his surprise, and grinned at him. "I suppose it was
+a nate young woman you thought you'd see when he towld you he'd bring
+you to the milliner--ha! ha! ha! Oh, they're nate lads, the Master
+O'Gradys; divil a thing they call by the proper name, at all."
+
+"Yes, we do," said the boy, sharply; "we call ourselves by our proper
+name. Ha! Fogy, I have you there."
+
+"Divil a taste, as smart as you think yourself, Masther Ratty; you call
+yourselves gentlemen, and that's not your proper name."
+
+Ratty, who was scraping triangles on the door with a piece of broken
+brick, at once converted his pencil into a missile, and let fly at the
+head of the tinker, who seemed quite prepared for such a result, for,
+raising the kettle he was mending, he caught the shot adroitly, and the
+brick rattled harmlessly on the tin.
+
+"Ha!" said the tinker, mockingly, "you missed me, like your mammy's
+blessin';" and he pursued his work.
+
+"What a very odd name he calls you," said Furlong, addressing young
+O'Grady.
+
+"Ratty," said the boy. "Oh, yes, they call me Ratty, short for Horatio.
+I was called Horatio after Lord Nelson, because Lord Nelson's father
+was a clergyman, and papa intends me for the Church."
+
+"And a nate clargy you'll make," said the tinker.
+
+"And why do they call you milline'?" inquired Furlong. The old man
+looked up and grinned, but said nothing.
+
+"You'll know before long, I'll engage," said Ratty; "won't he, Fogy?
+You were with old Gran' to-day, weren't you?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Did she sing to you 'The lass with the delicate air'?" said the boy,
+putting himself in the attitude of a person playing the guitar,
+throwing up his eyes, and mimicking the voice of an old woman--
+
+    "So they call'd her, they call'd her,
+      The lass--the lass
+            With a delicate air,
+      De--lick-it--lick-it--lick-it
+    The lass with a de--lick-it air."
+
+The young rascal made frightful mouths, and put out his tongue every
+time he said "lick-it," and when he had finished, asked Furlong, "Wasn't
+that the thing?" Furlong told him his grandmamma had been going to sing
+it, but this pleasure had been deferred till to-morrow.
+
+"Then you did not hear it?" said Ratty.
+
+Furlong answered in the negative.
+
+"Och! murder! murder! I'm sorry I told you."
+
+"Is it so _vewy_ pa'ticula', then?" inquired Furlong.
+
+"Oh, you'll find out that, and more too, if you live long enough," was
+the answer. Then turning to the tinker, he said, "Have you any milliner
+work in hand, Fogy?"
+
+"To be sure I have," answered the tinker; "who has so good a right to
+know that as yourself? Throth, you've little to do, I'm thinkin', when
+you ax that idle question. Oh, you're nate lads! And would nothin' sarve
+you but brakin' the weathercock?"
+
+"Oh, 't was such a nice cock-shot; 't was impossible not to have a shy
+at it," said Ratty, chuckling.
+
+"Oh, you're nice lads!" still chimed in the tinker.
+
+"Besides," said Ratty, "Gusty bet me a bull-dog pup against a rabbit, I
+could not smash it in three goes."
+
+"Faix, an' he ought to know you betther than that," said the tinker;
+"for you'd make a fair offer[17] at anything, I think, but an answer to
+your schoolmasther. Oh, a nate lad you are--a nate lad!--a nice clargy
+you'll be, your _rivirence_. Oh, if you hit off the tin commandments as
+fast as you hit off the tin weathercock, it's a good man you'll be--an'
+if I never had a headache till then, sure it's happy I'd be!"
+
+      [17] A "fair offer" is a phrase amongst the Irish peasantry, meaning
+      a successful aim.
+
+"Hold your prate, old Growly," said Ratty; "and why don't you mend the
+weathercock?"
+
+"I must mend the kittle first--and a purty kittle you made of it!--and
+would nothing sarve you but the best kittle in the house to tie to the
+dog's tail? Ah, Masther Ratty, you're terrible boys, so yiz are!"
+
+"Hold your prate, you old thief!--why wouldn't we amuse ourselves?"
+
+"And huntin' the poor dog, too."
+
+"Well, what matter!--he was a strange dog."
+
+"That makes no differ in the _crulety_."
+
+"Ah, bother! you old humbug!--who was it blackened the rag-woman's
+eye?--ha! Fogy--ha! Fogy--dirty Fogy!"
+
+"Go away, Masther Ratty, you're too good, so you are, your rivirince.
+Faix, I wondher his honour, the Squire, doesn't murdher you sometimes."
+
+"He would, if he could catch us," replied Ratty, "but we run too fast
+for him, so divil thank him!--and you, too, Fogy,--ha, old Growly! Come
+along, Mr. Furlong, here's Gusty;--bad scran to you, Fogy!" and he
+slammed the door as he quitted the tinker.
+
+Gustavus, followed by two younger brothers, Theodore and Godfrey (for
+O'Grady loved high-sounding names in baptism, though they got twisted
+into such queer shapes in family use), now led the way over the park
+towards the river. Some fine timber they passed occasionally; but the
+axe had manifestly been busy, and the wood seemed thinned rather from
+necessity than for improvement; the paths were choked with weeds and
+fallen leaves, and the rank moss added its evidence of neglect. The boys
+pointed out anything _they_ thought worthy of observation by the way,
+such as the best places to find a hare, the most covered approach to the
+river to get a shot at wild ducks, or where the best young wood was to
+be found from whence to cut a stick. On reaching their point of
+destination, which was where the river was less rapid, and its banks
+sedgy and thickly grown with flaggers and bulrushes, the sport of
+spearing for eels commenced. Gusty first undertook the task, and, after
+some vigorous plunges of his implement into the water, he brought up the
+prey, wriggling between its barbed prongs. Furlong was amazed, for he
+thought this, like the salmon-fishing, was intended as a quiz, and,
+after a few more examples of Gusty's prowess, he undertook the sport; a
+short time, however, fatigued his unpractised arm, and he relinquished
+the spear to Theodore, or Tay, as they called him, and Tay shortly
+brought up his fish, and thus, one after another, the boys, successful
+in their sport, soon made the basket heavy.
+
+Then, and not till then, they desired Furlong to carry it; he declared
+he had no curiosity whatever in that line, but the boys would not let
+him off so easy, and told him the practice there was, that every one
+should take his share in the day's sport, and as he could not catch the
+fish he should carry it. He attempted a parley, and suggested he was
+only a visitor; but they only laughed at him--said that might be a very
+good Dublin joke, but it would not pass in the country. He then
+attempted laughingly to decline the honour; but Ratty, turning round to
+a monstrous dog, which hitherto had followed them, quietly said, "Here!
+Bloodybones; here! boy! at him, sir!--make him do his work, boy!" The
+bristling savage made a low growl, and fixed his eyes on Furlong, who
+attempted to remonstrate; but he very soon gave _that_ up, for another
+word from the boys urged the dog to a howl and a crouch, preparatory to
+a spring, and Furlong made no further resistance, but took up the basket
+amid the uproarious laughter of the boys, who continued their sport,
+adding every now and then to the weight of Furlong's load; and whenever
+he lagged behind, they cried out, "Come along, man-Jack!" which was the
+complimentary name they called him by for the rest of the day. Furlong
+thought spearing for eels worse sport than fishing for salmon, and was
+rejoiced when a turn homeward was taken by the party; but his annoyances
+were not yet ended. On their return, their route lay across a plank of
+considerable length, which spanned a small branch of the river; it had
+no central support, and consequently sprang considerably to the foot of
+the passenger, who was afforded no protection from handrail, or even a
+swinging rope, and this rendered its passage difficult to an unpractised
+person. When Furlong was told to make his way across, he hesitated, and,
+after many assurances on his part that he could not attempt it, Gusty
+said he would lead him over in security, and took his hand for the
+purpose; but when he had him just in the centre, he loosed himself from
+Furlong's hold, and ran to the opposite side. While Furlong was praying
+him to return, Ratty stole behind him sufficiently far to have purchase
+enough on the plank, and began jumping till he made it spring too high
+for poor Furlong to hold his footing any longer; so squatting on the
+plank, he got astride upon it, and held on with his hands, every
+descending vibration of the board dipping his dandy boots in the water.
+
+"Well done, Ratty!" shouted all the boys.
+
+"Splash him, Tay!" cried Gusty. "Pull away, Goggy."
+
+The three boys now began pelting large stones into the river close
+beside Furlong, splashing him so thoroughly, that he was wringing wet
+in five minutes. In vain Furlong shouted, "Young gentlemen! young
+gentlemen!" and, at last, when he threatened to complain to their
+father, they recommenced worse than before, and vowed they'd throw
+him into the stream if he did not promise to be silent on the subject;
+for, to use their own words, if they _were_ beaten, they might as well
+duck him at once, and have the "worth of their licking." At last, a
+compromise being effected, Furlong stood up to walk off the plank.
+"Remember," said Ratty, "you won't tell we hoised[18] you?"
+
+      [18] A vulgarism for "hoisted."
+
+"I won't indeed," said Furlong and he got safe to land.
+
+"But I will!" cried a voice from a neighbouring wood; and Miss O'Grady
+appeared, surrounded by a crowd of little pet-dogs. She shook her head
+in a threatening manner at the offenders, and all the little dogs set up
+a yelping bark, as if to enforce their mistress's anger. The snappish
+barking of the pets was returned by one hoarse bay from "Bloodybones,"
+which silenced the little dogs, as a broadside from a seventy-four would
+dumbfounder a flock of privateers, and the boys returned the sister's
+threat by a universal shout of "Tell-tale!"
+
+"Go home, tell-tale!" they all cried; and with an action equally
+simultaneous, they stooped one and all for pebbles, and pelted Miss
+Augusta so vigorously, that she and her dogs were obliged to run for
+it.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+
+Having recounted Furlong's out-door adventures, it is necessary to say
+something of what was passing at Neck-or-Nothing Hall in his absence.
+
+O'Grady, on leaving the breakfast-table, retired to his justice-room to
+transact business, a principal feature in which was the examination of
+Handy Andy, touching the occurrences of the evening he drove Furlong to
+Merryvale; for though Andy was clear of the charge for which he had been
+taken into custody, namely, the murder of Furlong, O'Grady thought he
+might have been a party to some conspiracy to drive the stranger to the
+enemy's camp, and therefore put him to the question very sharply. This
+examination he had set his heart upon; and reserving it as a _bonne
+bouche_, dismissed all preliminary cases in a very off-hand manner, just
+as men carelessly swallow a few oysters preparatory to dinner.
+
+As for Andy, when he was summoned to the justice-room, he made sure it
+was for the purpose of being charged with robbing the post-office, and
+cast a sidelong glance at the effigy of the man hanging on the wall, as
+he was marched up to the desk where O'Grady sat in magisterial dignity;
+and, therefore, when he found it was only for driving a gentleman to a
+wrong house all the pother was made, his heart was lightened of a heavy
+load, and he answered briskly enough. The string of question and reply
+was certainly an entangled one, and left O'Grady as much puzzled as
+before whether Andy was stupid and innocent, or too knowing to let
+himself be caught--and to this opinion he clung at last. In the course
+of the inquiry, he found Andy had been in service at Merryvale; and
+Andy, telling him he knew all about waiting at table, and so forth, and
+O'Grady being in want of an additional man-servant in the house while
+his honourable guest, Sackville Scatterbrain, should be on a visit with
+him, Andy was told he should be taken on trial for a month. Indeed, a
+month was as long as most servants could stay in the house--they came
+and went as fast as figures in a magic lantern.
+
+Andy was installed in his new place, and set to work immediately
+scrubbing up extras of all sorts to make the reception of the honourable
+candidate for the county as brilliant as possible, not only for the
+honour of the house, but to make a favourable impression on the coming
+guest; for Augusta, the eldest girl, was marriageable, and to her
+father's ears "The Honourable Mrs. Sackville Scatterbrain" would have
+sounded much more agreeably than "Miss O'Grady."
+
+"Well--who knows?" said O'Grady to his wife; "such things have come to
+pass. Furbish her up, and make her look smart at dinner--he has a good
+fortune, and will be a peer one of these days--worth catching. Tell her
+so."
+
+Leaving these laconic observations and directions behind him, he set
+off to the neighbouring town to meet Scatterbrain, and to make a
+blow-up at the post-office about the missing letters. This he was the
+more anxious to do, as the post-office was kept by the brother of
+M'Garry, the apothecary; and since O'Grady had been made to pay so
+dearly for thrashing him, he swore eternal vengeance against the whole
+family. The post-master could give no satisfactory answer to the charge
+made against him, and O'Grady threatened a complaint to headquarters,
+and prophesied the postmaster's dismissal. Satisfied for the present
+with this piece of prospective vengeance, he proceeded to the inn, and
+awaited the arrival of his guest.
+
+In the interim, at the Hall, Mrs. O'Grady gave Augusta the necessary
+hints, and recommended a short walk to improve her colour; and it was
+in the execution of this order that Miss O'Grady's perambulation was
+cut short by the pelting her sweet brothers gave her.
+
+The internal bustle of the establishment caught the attention of the
+dowager, who contrived to become acquainted with its cause, and set
+about making herself as fascinating as possible; for though, in the
+ordinary routine of the family affairs, she kept herself generally
+secluded in her own apartments, whenever any affair of an interesting
+nature was pending, nothing could make her refrain from joining any
+company which might be in the house;--nothing;--not even O'Grady
+himself. At such times, too, she became strangely excited, and
+invariably executed one piece of farcical absurdity, of which, however,
+the family contrived to confine the exercise to her own room. It was
+wearing on her head a tin concern, something like a chimney-cowl,
+ornamented by a small weathercock, after the fashion of those which
+surmount church-steeples; this, she declared, influenced her health
+wonderfully, by indicating the variation of the wind in her stomach,
+which she maintained to be the grand ruling principle of human
+existence. She would have worn this head-dress in any company, had she
+been permitted, but the terrors of her son had sufficient influence over
+her to have this laid aside for a more seemly _coiffure_ when she
+appeared at dinner or in the drawing-room; but while she yielded really
+through fear, she affected to be influenced through tenderness to her
+son's infirmity of temper.
+
+"It is very absurd," she would say, "that Gustavus should interfere
+with my toilette; but, poor fellow, he's very queer, you know, and I
+_humour_ him."
+
+This at once explains why Master Ratty called the tinker "the
+milliner."
+
+It will not be wondered at that the family carefully excluded the old
+lady from the knowledge of any exciting subject; but those who know
+what a talkative race children and servants are, will not be surprised
+that the dowager sometimes got scent of proceedings which were meant to
+be kept secret. The pending election, and the approaching visit of the
+candidate, somehow or other, came to her knowledge, and of course she
+put on her tin chimney-pot. Thus attired, she sat watching the avenue
+all day; and when she saw O'Grady return in a handsome travelling
+carriage with a stranger, she was quite happy, and began to attire
+herself in some ancient finery, rather the worse for wear, and which
+might have been interesting to an antiquary.
+
+The house soon rang with bustle--bells rang, and footsteps rapidly
+paced passages, and pattered up and down stairs. Andy was the nimblest
+at the hall-door at the first summons of the bell; and, in a livery too
+short in the arms and too wide in the shoulders, he bustled here and
+there, his anxiety to be useful only putting him in everybody's way,
+and ending in getting him a hearty cursing from O'Grady.
+
+The carriage was unpacked, and letter-boxes, parcels, and portmanteaus
+strewed the hall. Andy was desired to carry the latter to "the
+gentleman's room," and, throwing the portmanteau over his shoulder, he
+ran upstairs. It was just after the commotion created by the arrival of
+the _Honourable_ Mr. Scatterbrain that Furlong returned to the
+house, wet and weary.
+
+He retired to his room to change his clothes, and fancied he was now
+safe from further molestation, with an inward protestation that the
+next time the Master O'Gradys caught him in their company, they might
+bless themselves; when he heard a loud sound of hustling near his door,
+and Miss Augusta's voice audibly exclaiming, "Behave yourself,
+Ratty!--Gusty, let me go!"--when, as the words were uttered, the door
+of his room was shoved open, and Miss Augusta thrust in, and the door
+locked outside.
+
+Furlong had not half his clothes on. Augusta exclaimed, "Gracious
+me!"--first put up her hands to her eyes, and then turned her face to
+the door.
+
+Furlong hid himself in the bed-curtains, while Ratty, the vicious
+little rascal, with a malicious laugh, said, "Now, promise you'll not
+tell papa, or I'll bring him up here--and then, how will you be?"
+
+"Ratty, you wretch!" cried Augusta, kicking at the door, "let me out!"
+
+"Not a bit, till you promise."
+
+"Oh, fie, Maste' O'Gwady!" said Furlong.
+
+"I'll scream, Ratty, if you don't let me out!" cried Augusta.
+
+"If you screech, papa will hear you, and then he'll come up and kill
+that fellow there."
+
+"Oh, don't squeam, Miss O'Gwady!" said Furlong, very vivaciously, from
+the bed-curtains; "don't squeam, pway!"
+
+"I'm not squeamish, sir," said Miss Augusta; "but it's dreadful to be
+shut up with a man who has no clothes on him.  Let me out, Ratty--let
+me out!"
+
+"Well, will you tell on us?"
+
+"No."
+
+"'Pon your honour?"
+
+"'Pon my honour, no! Make haste! Oh, if papa knew of this!"
+
+Scarcely had the words been uttered, when the heavy tramp and gruff
+voice of O'Grady resounded in the passage, and the boys scampered off
+in a fright, leaving the door locked.
+
+"Oh, what will become of me!" said the poor girl, with the extremity of
+terror in her look--a terror so excessive, that she was quite heedless
+of the dishabille of Furlong, who jumped from the curtains, when he
+heard O'Grady coming.
+
+"Don't be fwightened, Miss O'Gwady," said Furlong, half frightened to
+death himself. "When we explain the affair----"
+
+"Explain!" said the girl, gasping. "Oh, you don't know papa!"
+
+As she spoke, the heavy tramp ceased at the door--a sharp tap
+succeeded, and Furlong's name was called in the gruff voice of the
+Squire.
+
+Furlong could scarcely articulate a response.
+
+"Let me in," said O'Grady.
+
+"I am not dwessed, sir," answered Furlong.
+
+"No matter," said the Squire; "you're not a woman."
+
+Augusta wrung her hands.
+
+"I'll be down with you as soon as I am dwessed, sir," replied Furlong.
+
+"I want to speak to you immediately--and here are letters for you--open
+the door."
+
+Augusta signified by signs to Furlong that resistance would be vain;
+and hid herself under the bed.
+
+"Come in, sir," said Furlong, when she was secreted.
+
+"The door is fastened," said O'Grady.
+
+"Turn the key, sir," said Furlong.
+
+O'Grady unlocked the door, and was so inconsistent a person, that he
+never thought of the impossibility of Furlong's having locked it, but,
+in the richest spirit of bulls, asked him if he always fastened his
+door on the outside. Furlong said he always did.
+
+"What's the matter with you?" inquired O'Grady. "You're as white as the
+sheet there;" and he pointed to the bed as he spoke.
+
+Furlong grew whiter as he pointed to that quarter.
+
+"What ails you, man?--Aren't you well?"
+
+"Wather fatigued--but I'll be bette' pwesently. What do you wish with
+me, sir?"
+
+"Here are letters for you--I want to know what's in
+them--Scatterbrain's come--do you know that?"
+
+"No--I did not."
+
+"Don't stand there in the cold--go on dressing yourself; I'll sit down
+here till you can open your letters: I want to tell you something
+besides." O'Grady took a chair as he spoke.
+
+Furlong assumed all the composure he could; and the girl began to hope
+she should remain undiscovered, and most likely she would have been so
+lucky, had not the Genius of Disaster, with aspect malign, waved her
+sable wand, and called her chosen servant, Handy Andy, to her aid. He,
+her faithful and unfailing minister, obeyed the call, and at that
+critical juncture of time gave a loud knock at the chamber-door.
+
+"Come in," said O'Grady.
+
+Andy opened the door and popped in his head. "I beg your pardon, sir,
+but I kem for the jintleman's portmantle."
+
+"What gentleman?" asked O'Grady.
+
+"The Honourable, sir; I tuk his portmantle to the wrong room, sir; and
+I'm come for it now, bekase he wants it."
+
+"There's no po'tmanteau here," said Furlong.
+
+"O yis, sir," said Andy; "I put it undher the bed."
+
+"Well, take it and be off," said O'Grady.
+
+"No--no--no," said Furlong, "don't distu'b my woom, if you please, till
+I have done dwessing."
+
+"But the Honourable is dhressing too, sir; and that's why he wants the
+portmantle."
+
+"Take it, then," said the Squire.
+
+Furlong was paralysed, and could offer no further resistance: Andy
+stooped, and lifting the valance of the bed to withdraw the portmanteau,
+dropped it suddenly, and exclaimed, "O Lord!"
+
+"What's the matter?" said the Squire.
+
+"Nothin', sir," said Andy, looking scared.
+
+"Then take the portmanteau, and be hanged to you."
+
+"Oh, I'll wait till the jintleman's done, sir," said Andy, retiring.
+
+"What the devil is all this about?" said the Squire, seeing the
+bewilderment of Furlong and Andy. "What is it at all?" and he stooped as
+he spoke, and lifted the valance. But here description must end, and
+imagination supply the scene of fury and confusion which succeeded. At
+the first fierce volley of imprecation O'Grady gave vent to, Andy ran
+off and alarmed the family, Augusta screamed, and Furlong held for
+support by the bedpost, while, between every hurricane of oaths, O'Grady
+ran to the door, and shouted for his pistols, and anon returned to the
+chamber to vent every abusive epithet which could be showered on man and
+woman. The prodigious uproar soon brought the whole house to the spot;
+Mrs. O'Grady and the two spare girls amongst the first; Mat, and the
+cook, and the scullion, and all the housemaids in rapid succession; and
+Scatterbrain himself at last; O'Grady all the time foaming at the mouth,
+stamping up and down the room, shaking his fist at Furlong, and, after a
+volley of names impossible to remember or print, always concluding with
+the phrase, "Wait till I get my pistols!"
+
+"Gusty, dear," said his trembling wife, "what is it all about?"
+
+He glared upon her with his flashing eyes, and said, "Fine education
+you give your children, ma'am. Where have you brought up your daughters
+to go to, eh?"
+
+"To church, my dear," said Mrs. O'Grady, meekly; for she being a Roman
+Catholic, O'Grady was very jealous of his daughters being reared staunch
+Protestants, and she, poor simple woman, thought that was the drift of
+his question.
+
+"Church, my eye, woman!--Church, indeed!--'faith, she ought to have
+gone there before she came where I found her. Thunderan'ouns, where are
+my pistols?"
+
+"Where _has_ she gone to, my love?" asked the wife in a tremor.
+
+"To the divil, ma'am. Is that all you know about it?" said O'Grady.
+"And you wish to know where she is?"
+
+"Yes, love," said his wife.
+
+"Then look under that bed, ma'am, and you'll see her without
+spectacles."
+
+Mrs. O'Grady now gave a scream, and the girls and the housemaids joined
+in the chorus. Augusta bellowed from under the bed, "Mamma! mamma!
+indeed it's all Ratty--I never did it."
+
+At this moment, to help the confusion, a fresh appearance made its way
+into the room; it was that of the Dowager O'Grady--arrayed in all the
+bygone finery of faded full-dress, and the tin chimney-pot on her head.
+"What is all this about?" she exclaimed, with an air of authority;
+"though my weathercock tells me the wind is nor'west, I did not expect
+such a storm. Is any one killed?"
+
+"No," said O'Grady; "but somebody will be soon. Where are my pistols?
+Blood and fire! will nobody bring me my pistols?"
+
+"Here they are, sir," said Handy Andy, running in.
+
+O'Grady made a rush for the pistols, but his mother and his wife threw
+themselves before him, and Scatterbrain shoved Andy outside the room.
+
+"Confound you, you numscull! would you give pistols into the hands of a
+frantic man?"
+
+"Sure, he ax'd for them, sir."
+
+"Go out o' this, you blockhead! Go and hide them somewhere, where your
+master won't find them."
+
+Andy retired, muttering something about the hardness of a servant's
+case, in being scolded and called names for doing his master's bidding.
+Scatterbrain returned to the room, where the confusion was still in
+full bloom; O'Grady swearing between his mother and wife, while Furlong
+endeavoured to explain how the young lady happened to be in his room;
+and she kicking in hysterics amidst the maids and her sisters, while
+Scatterbrain ran to and fro between all the parties, giving an ear to
+Furlong, an eye to O'Grady, and smelling salts to his daughter.
+
+The case was a hard one to a milder man than O'Grady--his speculation
+about Scatterbrain all knocked on the head, for it could not be expected
+_he_ would marry the lady who had been found under another man's bed. To
+hush the thing up would be impossible, after the publicity his own fury
+had given to the affair. "Would she ever be married after such an affair
+was _eclate_?" The question rushed into his head on one side, and the
+answer rushed in at the other, and met it with a plump "No!"--the
+question and answer then joined hands in O'Grady's mind, and danced down
+the middle to the tune of "Haste to the wedding!"
+
+"Yes," he said, slapping his forehead, "she must be married at once."
+Then, turning to Furlong, he said, "You're not married, I hope?"
+
+Furlong acknowledged he was not, though he regretted the moment he had
+made the admission.
+
+"'T is well for you," said O'Grady, "for it has saved your life. You
+shall marry her, then!" He never thought of asking Furlong's
+acquiescence in the measure. "Come here, you baggage!" he cried to
+Augusta, as he laid hold of her hand, and pulled her up from her chair;
+"come here! I intended you for a better man; but since you _have_ such a
+hang-dog taste, why, go to him!" And he shoved her over to Furlong.
+"There!" he said, addressing _him_, "take her, since you _will_ have
+her. We'll speak of her fortune after."
+
+The poor girl stood abashed, sobbing aloud, and tears pouring from her
+downcast eyes. Furlong was so utterly taken by surprise, that he was
+riveted to the spot where he stood, and could not advance a step towards
+his drooping intended. At this awkward moment, the glorious old dowager
+came to the rescue; she advanced, tin chimney-pot and all, and taking a
+hand of each of the principals in hers, she joined them together in a
+theatrical manner, and ejaculated, with a benignant air, "Bless you, my
+children!"
+
+In the midst of the mingled rage, confusion, fright, and astonishment of
+the various parties present, there was something so exquisitely absurd
+in the old woman's proceeding, that nearly every one felt inclined to
+laugh; but the terror of O'Grady kept their risible faculties in check.
+Fate, however, decreed the finale should be comic; for the cook,
+suddenly recollecting herself, exclaimed, "Oh, murther! the goose will
+be burned!" and ran out of the room; a smothered burst of laughter
+succeeded, which roused the ire of O'Grady, who, making a charge right
+and left amongst the delinquents, the room was soon cleared, and the
+party dispersed in various directions, O'Grady's voice rising loud above
+the general confusion, as he swore his way down-stairs, kicking his
+mother's tin turban before him.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+
+Canvassing before an election resembles skirmishing before a battle;--the
+skirmishing was over, and the arrival of the Honourable Sackville
+Scatterbrain was like the first gun that commences an engagement;--and
+now both parties were to enter on the final struggle.
+
+A jolly group sat in Murphy's dining-parlour on the eve of the day fixed
+for the nomination. Hitting points of speeches were discussed--plans for
+bringing up voters--tricks to interrupt the business of the opposite
+party--certain allusions on the hustings that would make the enemy lose
+temper; and, above all, everything that could cheer and amuse the
+people, and make them rejoice in their cause.
+
+"Oh, let me alone for _that_ much," said Murtough. "I have engaged
+every piper and fiddler within twenty miles round, and divil a screech
+of a chanter[19] or a scrape of catcut Scatterbrain can have for love or
+money--that's one grand point."
+
+      [19] The principal tube of a bagpipe.
+
+"But," said Tom Durfy, "he has engaged the yeomanry band."
+
+"What of that?" asked Dick Dawson;  "a band is all very well for making
+a splash in the first procession to the hustings, but what good is it
+in working out the details?"
+
+"What do you call details?" said Durfy.
+
+"Why, the popular tunes in the public-houses and in the tally-rooms,
+while the fellows are waiting to go up. Then the dances in the
+evening--Wow!--won't Scatterbrain's lads look mighty shy when they know
+the Eganites are kicking their heels to 'Moll in the Wad,' while
+_they_ haven't a lilt to shake their bones to?"
+
+"To be sure," said Murphy; "we'll have the deserters to our cause from
+the enemy's camp before the first night is over;[20] wait till the girls
+know where the fiddles are--and won't they make the lads join us!"
+
+      [20] In those times elections often lasted many days.
+
+"I believe a woman would do a good deal for a dance," said Doctor
+Growling; "they are immensely fond of saltatory motion. I remember,
+once in my life, I used to flirt with a little actress who was a great
+favourite in a provincial town where I lived, and she was invited to a
+ball there, and confided to me she had no silk stockings to appear in,
+and without them her presence at the ball was out of the question."
+
+"That was a hint to you to buy the stockings," said Dick.
+
+"No--you're out," said Growling. "She knew I was as poor as herself;
+but though she could not rely on my purse, she had every confidence in
+my taste and judgment, and consulted me on a plan she formed for going
+to the ball in proper twig. Now, what do you think it was?"
+
+"To go in cotton, I suppose," returned Dick.
+
+"Out, again, sir--you'd never guess it; and only a woman could have hit
+on the expedient; it was the fashion in those days for ladies in full
+dress to wear pink stockings, and she proposed _painting her
+legs_!"
+
+"Painting her legs!" they all exclaimed.
+
+"Fact, sir," said the doctor; "and she relied on me for telling her if
+the cheat was successful----"
+
+"And was it?" asked Durfy.
+
+"Don't be in a hurry, Tom. I complied on one condition--namely, that I
+should be the painter."
+
+"Oh, you villain!" cried Dick.
+
+"A capital bargain!" said Tom Durfy.
+
+"But not a safe covenant," added the attorney.
+
+"Don't interrupt me, gentlemen," said the doctor. "I got some rose-pink
+accordingly, and I defy all the hosiers in Nottingham to make a tighter
+fit than I did on little Jinney; and a prettier pair of stockings I
+never saw."
+
+"And she went to the ball?" said Dick.
+
+"She did!"
+
+"And the trick succeeded?" added Durfy.
+
+"So completely," said the doctor, "that several ladies asked her to
+recommend her dyer to them! So you see what a woman will do to go to a
+dance. Poor little Jinney!--she was a merry minx. By-the-bye, she boxed
+my ears that night, for a joke I made about the stockings. 'Jinney,'
+said I, 'for fear your stockings should fall down when you're dancing,
+hadn't you better let me paint a pair of garters on them?'"
+
+The fellows laughed at the doctor's quaint conceit about the garters,
+but Murphy called them back to the business of the election.
+
+"What next?" he said, "public-houses and tally-rooms to have pipers and
+fiddlers--ay--and we'll get up as good a march, too, as Scatterbrain,
+with all his yeomanry band;--think a cartfull of fiddlers would have a
+fine effect!"
+
+"If we could only get a double-bass amongst them!" said Dick.
+
+"Talking of double-basses," said the doctor, "did you ever hear the
+story of the sailor in an admiral's ship, who, when some fine concert
+was to be given on board----"
+
+"Hang your concerts and stories!" said Murphy; "let us go on with the
+election."
+
+"Oh, the doctor's story!" cried Tom Durfy and Dick Dawson together.
+
+"Well, sir," continued the doctor, "a sailor was handing in, over the
+side, from a boat which bore the instruments from shore, a great lot of
+fiddles. When some tenors came into his hand he said those were real
+good-sized fiddles; and when a violoncello appeared, Jack, supposing it
+was to be held between the hand and the shoulder, like a violin,
+declared 'He must be a strapping chap that fiddle belonged to!' But
+when the double-bass made its appearance, 'My eyes and limbs!' cried
+Jack, 'I _would_ like to see the chap as plays that!!!'"
+
+"Well, doctor, are you done?" cried Murphy; "for, if you are, now for
+the election. You say, Dick, Major Dawson is to propose your
+brother-in-law?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"And he'll do it well, too; the Major makes a very good straightforward
+speech."
+
+"Yes," said Dick; "the old cock is not a bad hand at it. But I have a
+suspicion he's going to make a greater oration than usual and read some
+long rigmarolish old records."
+
+"That will never do!" said Murphy, "as long as a man looks Pat _in_ the
+face, and makes a good rattling speech 'out o' the face,' Pat will
+listen to him; but when a lad takes to heavy readings, Pat grows tired.
+We must persuade the Major to give up the reading."
+
+"Persuade _my_ father!" cried Dick. "When did you ever hear of his
+giving up his own opinion?"
+
+"If he could be prevailed on even to shorten----" said Murphy.
+
+"Oh, leave him to me," said Dick, laughing; "I'll take care he'll not
+read a word."
+
+"Manage that, Dick, and you're a jewel!"
+
+"I will," said Dick. "I'll take the glasses out of his spectacles the
+morning of the nomination, and then let him read, if he can."
+
+"Capital, Dick; and now the next point of discussion is----"
+
+"Supper, ready to come up, sir," said a servant, opening the door.
+
+"Then, that's the best thing we could discuss, boys," said Murphy to
+his friends--"so up with the supper, Dan. Up with the supper! Up with
+the Egans! Down with the Scatterbrains--hurrah!--we'll beat them
+gaily."
+
+"Hollow!" said Durfy.
+
+"Not hollow," said Dick; "we'll have a tussle for it."
+
+"So much the better," cried Murphy; "I would not give a fig for an easy
+victory--there's no fun in it. Give me the election that is like a
+race--now one ahead, and then the other; the closeness calling out all
+the energies of both parties--developing their tact and invention, and,
+at last, the return secured by a large majority."
+
+"But think of the glory of a large one," said Dick.
+
+"Ay," added Durfy, "beside crushing the hope of a petition on the part
+of your enemy to pull down the majority."
+
+"But think of Murphy's enjoyment," said the doctor, "in defending the
+seat, to say nothing of the bill of costs."
+
+"You have me there, doctor," said Murphy; "a fair hit, I grant you; but
+see, the supper is on the table. To it, my lads; to it! and then a
+jolly glass to drink success to our friend Egan."
+
+And glass after glass they did drink in all sorts and shapes of
+well-wishing toasts; in short, to have seen the deep interest those men
+took in the success of their friend, might have gladdened the heart of
+a philanthropist; though there is no knowing what Father Mathew, had he
+flourished in those times, might have said to their overflowing
+benevolence.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+
+The morning of nomination which dawned on Neck-or-Nothing Hall saw a
+motley group of O'Grady's retainers assembling in the stable-yard, and
+the out-offices rang to laugh and joke over a rude but plentiful
+breakfast--tea and coffee, there, had no place--but meat, potatoes,
+milk, beer, and whisky were at the option of the body-guard, which was
+selected for the honour of escorting the wild chief and his friend,
+the candidate, into the town. Of this party was the yeomanry-band of
+which Tom Durfy spoke, though, to say the truth, considering Tom's
+apprehensions on the subject, it was of slender force. One trumpet, one
+clarionet, a fife, a big drum, and a pair of cymbals, with a "_real_
+nigger" to play them, were all they could muster.
+
+After clearing off everything in the shape of breakfast, the
+"musicianers" amused the retainers, from time to time, with a tune
+on the clarionet, fife, or trumpet, while they waited the appearance of
+the party from the house. Uproarious mirth and noisy joking rang round
+the dwelling, to which none contributed more largely than the trumpeter,
+who fancied himself an immensely clever fellow, and had a heap of
+cut-and-dry jokes at his command, and practical drolleries in which he
+indulged to the great entertainment of all, but of none more than Andy,
+who was in the thick of the row, and in a divided ecstasy between the
+"_blaky-moor's_" turban and cymbals and the trumpeter's jokes and music;
+the latter articles having a certain resemblance, by-the-bye, to the
+former in clumsiness and noise, and therefore suited to Andy's taste.
+Whenever occasion offered, Andy got near the big drum, too, and gave it
+a thump, delighted with the result of his ambitious achievement.
+
+Andy was not lost on the trumpeter: "Arrah, maybe you'd like to have a
+touch at these?" said the joker, holding up the cymbals.
+
+"Is it hard to play them, sir?" inquired Andy.
+
+"Hard!" said the trumpeter; "sure they're not hard at all--but as soft
+and smooth as satin inside--just feel them--rub your fingers inside."
+
+Andy obeyed; and his finger was chopped between the two brazen plates.
+Andy roared, the bystanders laughed, and the trumpeter triumphed in his
+wit. Sometimes he would come behind an unsuspecting boor, and give,
+close to his ear, a discordant bray from his trumpet, like the note of a
+jackass, which made _him_ jump, and the crowd roar with merriment; or,
+perhaps, when the clarionet or the fife was engaged in giving the people
+a tune, he would drown either, or both of them, in a wild yell of his
+instrument. As they could not make reprisals upon him, he had his own
+way in playing whatever he liked for his audience; and in doing so
+indulged in all the airs of a great artist--pulling out one crook from
+another--blowing through them softly, and shaking the moisture from them
+in a tasty style--arranging them with a fastidious nicety--then, after
+the final adjustment of the mouth-piece, lipping the instrument with an
+affectation exquisitely grotesque; but before he began he always asked
+for another drink.
+
+"It's not for myself," he would say, "but for the thrumpet, the
+crayther; the divil a note she can blow without a dhrop."
+
+Then, taking a mug of drink, he would present it to the bell of the
+trumpet, and afterwards transfer it to his own lips, always bowing to
+the instrument first, and saying, "Your health, ma'am!"
+
+This was another piece of delight to the mob, and Andy thought him the
+funniest fellow he ever met, though he _did_ chop his finger.
+
+"Faix, sir, an' it is dhry work, I'm sure, playing the thing."
+
+"Dhry!" said the trumpeter, "'pon my ruffles and tuckers--and that's a
+cambric oath--it's worse nor lime-burnin', so it is--it makes a man's
+throat as parched as pays."
+
+"Who dar says pays?" cried the drummer.
+
+"Howld your prate!" said the trumpeter, elegantly, and silenced all
+reply by playing a tune. As soon as it was ended, he turned to Andy and
+asked for a cork.
+
+Andy gave it to him.
+
+The man of jokes affected to put it into the trumpet.
+
+"What's that for, sir?" asked Andy.
+
+"To bottle up the music," said the trumpeter--"sure all the music would
+run about the place if I didn't do that."
+
+Andy gave a vague sort of "ha, ha!" as if he were not quite sure whether
+the trumpeter was in jest or earnest, and thought at the moment that to
+play the trumpet and practical jokes must be the happiest life in the
+world. Filled with this idea, Andy was on the watch how he could possess
+himself of the trumpet, for could he get one blast on it, he would be
+happy: a chance at last opened to him; after some time, the lively owner
+of the treasure laid down his instrument to handle a handsome blackthorn
+which one of the retainers was displaying, and he made some flourishes
+with the weapon to show that music was not his only accomplishment. Andy
+seized the opportunity and the trumpet, and made off to one of the sheds
+where they had been regaling; and, shutting the door to secure himself
+from observation, he put the trumpet to his mouth and distended his
+cheeks near to bursting with the violence of his efforts to produce a
+sound; but all his puffing was unavailing for some minutes. At last a
+faint cracked squeak answered a more desperate blast than before, and
+Andy was delighted. "Everything must have a beginning," thought Andy,
+"and maybe I'll get a tune out of it yet." He tried again, and increased
+in power; for a sort of strangled screech was the result. Andy was in
+ecstasy, and began to indulge visions of being one day a trumpeter; he
+strutted up and down the shed like the original he so envied, and
+repeated some of the drolleries he heard him utter. He also imitated his
+actions of giving a drink to the trumpet, and was more generous to the
+instrument than the owner, for he really poured about half a pint of
+beer down its throat: he then drank its health, and finished by
+"bottling up the music," absolutely cramming a cork into the trumpet.
+Now Andy, having no idea the trumpeter made a sham of the action, made a
+vigorous plunge of a goodly cork into the throat of the instrument, and,
+in so doing, the cork went further than he intended: he tried to
+withdraw it, but his clumsy fingers, instead of extracting, only drove
+it in deeper--he became alarmed--and, seizing a fork, strove with its
+assistance to remedy the mischief he had done, but the more he poked,
+the worse; and, in his fright, he thought the safest thing he could do
+was to cram the cork out of sight altogether, and having soon done that,
+he returned to the yard, and laid down the trumpet unobserved.
+
+Immediately after, the procession to the town started. O'Grady gave
+orders that the party should not be throwing away their powder and
+shot, as he called it, in untimely huzzas and premature music. "Wait
+till you come to the town, boys," said he, "and then you may smash away
+as hard as you can; blow your heads off, and split the sky."
+
+The party of Merryvale was in motion for the place of action about the
+same time, and a merrier pack of rascals never was on the march.
+Murphy, in accordance with his preconceived notion of a "fine effect,"
+had literally "a cart full of fiddlers;" but the fiddlers hadn't it all
+to themselves, for there was another cart full of pipers; and, by way
+of mockery to the grandeur of Scatterbrain's band, he had four or five
+boys with gridirons, which they played upon with pokers, and half a
+dozen strapping fellows carrying large iron tea-trays, which they
+whopped after the manner of a Chinese gong.
+
+It so happened that the two roads from Merryvale and Neck-or-Nothing
+Hall met at an acute angle, at the same end of the town, and it chanced
+that the rival candidates and their retinues arrived at this point
+about the same time.
+
+"There they are!" said Murphy, who presided in the cart full of fiddlers
+like a leader in an orchestra, with a shillelah for his _baton_, which
+he flourished over his head as he shouted, "Now give it to them, your
+sowls!--rasp and lilt away, boys!--slate the gridirons, Mike!--smaddher
+the tay-tray, Tom!"
+
+The uproar of strange sounds that followed, shouting included, may be
+easier imagined than described; and O'Grady, answering the war-cry, sung
+out to his band--"What are you at, you lazy rascals?--don't you hear
+_them_ blackguards beginning?--fire away, and be hanged to you!" His
+rascals shouted, bang went the drum, and clang went the cymbals, the
+clarionet squeaked, and the fife tootled, but the trumpet--ah!--the
+trumpet--their great reliance--where was the trumpet? O'Grady inquired
+in the precise words, with a diabolical addition of his own. "Where the
+d---- is the trumpet?" said he; he looked over the side of the carriage
+as he spoke, and saw the trumpeter spitting out a mouthful of beer which
+had run from the instrument as he lifted it to his mouth.
+
+"Bad luck to you, what are you wasting your time there for?" thundered
+O'Grady in a rage; "why didn't you spit out when you were young, and
+you'd be a clean old man?  Blow and be d---- to you!"
+
+The trumpeter filled his lungs for a great blast, and put the trumpet to
+his lips--but in vain; Andy had bottled his music for him. O'Grady,
+seeing the inflated cheeks and protruding eyes of the musician, whose
+visage was crimson with exertion, and yet no sound produced, thought the
+fellow was practising one of his jokes upon him, and became excessively
+indignant; he thundered anathemas at him, but his voice was drowned in
+the din of the drum and cymbals, which were plied so vigorously, that
+the clarionet and fife shared the same fate as O'Grady's voice. The
+trumpeter could judge of O'Grady's rage from the fierceness of his
+actions only, and answered him in pantomimic expression, holding up his
+trumpet and pointing into the bell, with a grin of vexation on his phiz,
+meant to express something was wrong; but this was all mistaken by the
+fierce O'Grady, who only saw in the trumpeter's grins the insolent
+intention of jibing him.
+
+"Blow, you blackguard, blow!" shouted the Squire. Bang went the drum.
+
+"Blow--or I'll break your neck!" Crash went the cymbals.
+
+"Stop your banging there, you ruffians, and let me be heard!" roared
+the excited man; but as he was standing up on the seat of the carriage,
+and flung his arms about wildly as he spoke, the drummer thought his
+action was meant to stimulate him to further exertion, and he banged
+away louder than before.
+
+"By the hokey, I'll murder some o' ye!" shouted the Squire, who,
+ordering the carriage to pull up, flung open the door and jumped out,
+made a rush at the drummer, seized his principal drumstick, and giving
+him a bang over the head with it, cursed him for a rascal for not
+stopping when he told him; this silenced all the instruments together,
+and O'Grady, seizing the trumpeter by the back of the neck, shook him
+violently, while he denounced with fierce imprecations his insolence in
+daring to practise a joke on him. The trumpeter protested his innocence,
+and O'Grady called him a lying rascal, finishing his abuse by clenching
+his fist in a menacing attitude, and telling him to play.
+
+"I can't, yer honour!"
+
+"You lie, you scoundrel."
+
+"There's something in the trumpet, sir."
+
+"Yes, there's music in it; and if you don't blow it out of it----"
+
+"I can't blow it out of it, sir."
+
+"Hold your prate, you ruffian; blow this minute."
+
+"Arrah, thry it yourself, sir," said the frightened man, handing the
+instrument to the Squire.
+
+"D----n your impudence, you rascal; do you think I'd blow anything that
+was in your dirty mouth? Blow, I tell you, or it will be worse for
+you."
+
+"By the vartue o' my oath, your honour----"
+
+"Blow, I tell you!"
+
+"By the seven blessed candles----"
+
+"Blow, I tell you!"
+
+"The trumpet is choked, sir."
+
+"There will be a trumpeter choked, soon," said O'Grady, gripping him by
+the neck-handkerchief, with his knuckles ready to twist into his throat.
+"By this and that I'll strangle you, if you don't play this minute, you
+humbugger."
+
+"By the Blessed Virgin, I'm not humbiggin' your honour," stammered the
+trumpeter with the little breath O'Grady left him.
+
+Scatterbrain, seeing O'Grady's fury, and fearful of its consequences,
+had alighted from the carriage and came to the rescue, suggesting to
+the infuriated Squire that what the man said might be true. O'Grady
+said he knew better, that the blackguard was a notorious joker, and
+having indulged in a jest in the first instance, was now only lying to
+save himself from punishment; furthermore, swearing that if he did not
+play that minute he'd throw him into the ditch.
+
+With great difficulty O'Grady was prevailed upon to give up the gripe
+of the trumpeter's throat; and the poor breathless wretch, handing the
+instrument to the clarionet-player, appealed to him if it were possible
+to play on it. The clarionet-player said he could not tell, for he did
+not understand the trumpet.
+
+"You see there!" cried O'Grady. "You see he's humbugging, and the
+clarionet-player is an honest man."
+
+"An honest man!" exclaimed the trumpeter, turning fiercely on the
+clarionet-player. "He's the biggest _villain_ unhanged for sthrivin' to
+get me murthered, and refusin' the evidence for me!" The man's eyes
+flashed fury as he spoke, and throwing his trumpet down, "Mooney!--by
+jakers, you're no man!" Clenching his fist as he spoke, he made a rush
+on the clarionet-player, and planted a hit on his mouth with such
+vigour, that he rolled in the dust; and when he rose, it was with such
+an upper lip that his clarionet-playing was evidently finished for the
+next week certainly.
+
+Now the fifer was the clarionet-player's brother; and he, turning on
+the trumpeter, roared--
+
+"Bad luck to you!--you did not sthrek him fair!"
+
+But while in the very act of reprobating the foul blow, he let fly
+under the ear of the trumpeter, who was quite unprepared for it,--and
+he, too, measured his length on the road. On recovering his legs he
+rushed on the fifer for revenge, and a regular scuffle ensued among
+"the musicianers," to the great delight of the crowd of retainers, who
+were so well primed with whisky that a fight was just the thing to
+their taste.
+
+In vain O'Grady swore at them, and went amongst them, striving to
+restore order, but they would not be quiet till several black eyes and
+damaged noses bore evidence of a busy five minutes having passed. In
+the course of "the scrimmage," Fate was unkind to the fifer, whose
+mouth-piece was considerably impaired; and "the boys" remarked, that
+the worst stick you could have in a crowd was a "whistling stick," by
+which name they designated the fifer's instrument.
+
+At last, however, peace was restored, and the trumpeter again ordered
+to play by O'Grady.
+
+He protested, again, it was impossible.
+
+The fifer, in revenge, declared he was only humbugging the Squire.
+
+Hereupon O'Grady, seizing the unfortunate trumpeter, gave him a more
+sublime kicking than ever fell to the lot of even piper or fiddler,
+whose pay[21] is proverbially oftener in that article than the coin of
+the realm.
+
+      [21] Fiddlers' fare, or pipers' pay--more kicks than halfpence.
+
+Having tired himself, and considerably rubbed down the toe of his boot
+with his gentlemanly exercise, O'Grady dragged the trumpeter to the
+ditch, and rolled him into it, there to cool the fever which burned in
+his seat of honour.
+
+O'Grady then re-entered the carriage with Scatterbrain, and the party
+proceeded; but the clarionet-player could not blow a note; the fifer
+was not in good playing condition, and tootled with some difficulty;
+the drummer was obliged now and then to relax his efforts in making a
+noise that he might lift his right arm to his nose, which had got
+damaged in the fray, and the process of wiping his face with his cuff
+changed the white facings of his jacket to red. The negro cymbal-player
+was the only one whose damages were not to be ascertained, as a black
+eye would not tell on him, and his lips could not be more swollen than
+nature had made them. On the procession went, however; but the rival
+mob, the Eganites, profiting by the delay caused by the row, got ahead,
+and entered the town first, with their pipers and fiddlers, hurrahing
+their way in good humour down the street, and occupying the best places
+in the court-house before the arrival of the opposite party, whose
+band, instead of being a source of triumph, was only a thing of jeering
+merriment to the Eganites, who received them with mockery and laughter.
+All this by no means sweetened O'Grady's temper, who looked thunder as
+he entered the court-house with his candidate, who was, though a
+good-humoured fellow, a little put out by the accidents of the morning;
+and Furlong looked more sheepish than ever, as he followed his leaders.
+
+The business of the day was opened by the high-sheriff, and Major Dawson
+lost no time in rising to propose, that Edward Egan, Esquire, of
+Merryvale, was a fit and proper person to represent the county in
+parliament.
+
+The proposition was received with cheers by "the boys" in the body of
+the court-house; the Major proceeded, full sail, in his speech--his
+course aided by being on the popular current, and the "sweet voices" of
+the multitude blowing in his favour. On concluding (as "the boys"
+thought) his address, which was straightforward and to the point, a
+voice in the crowd proposed "Three cheers for the owld Major." Three
+deafening peals followed the hint.
+
+"And now," said the Major, "I will read a few extracts here from some
+documents, in support of what I have had the honour of addressing to
+you." And he pulled out a bundle of papers as he spoke, and laid them
+down before him.
+
+The movement was not favoured by "the boys," as it indicated a tedious
+reference to facts by no means to their taste, and the same voice that
+suggested the three cheers, now sung out--
+
+"Never mind, Major--sure we'll take your word for it!"
+
+Cries of "Order!" and "Silence!" ensued; and were followed by murmurs,
+coughs, and sneezes, in the crowd, with a considerable shuffling of
+hobnailed shoes on the pavement.
+
+"Order!" cried a voice in authority.
+
+"Order anything you plaze, sir!" said the voice in the crowd.
+
+"Whisky!" cried one.
+
+"Porther!" cried another.
+
+"Tabakky!" roared a third.
+
+"I must insist on silence!" cried the sheriff, in a very husky voice.
+"Silence!--or I'll have the court-house cleared."
+
+"'Faith, if you cleared your own throat it would be better," said the
+wag in the crowd.
+
+A laugh followed. The sheriff felt the hit, and was silent.
+
+The Major all this time had been adjusting his spectacles on his nose,
+unconscious, poor old gentleman, that Dick, according to promise, had
+abstracted the glasses from them that morning. He took up his documents
+to read, made sundry wry faces, turned the papers up to the light,--now
+on this side, and now on that,--but could make out nothing; while Dick
+gave a knowing wink at Murphy. The old gentleman took off his spectacles
+to wipe the glasses.
+
+The voice in the crowd cried, "Thank you, Major."
+
+The Major pulled out his handkerchief, and his fingers met where he
+expected to find a lens:--he looked very angry, cast a suspicious glance
+at Dick, who met it with the composure of an anchorite, and quietly
+asked what was the matter.
+
+"I shall not trouble you, gentlemen, with the extracts," said the
+Major.
+
+"Hear, hear," responded the genteel part of the auditory.
+
+"I tould you we'd take your word, Major," cried the voice in the crowd.
+
+Egan's seconder followed the Major, and the crowd shouted again. O'Grady
+now came forward to propose the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain, as a
+fit and proper person to represent the county in parliament. He was
+received by his own set of vagabonds with uproarious cheers, and
+"O'Grady for ever!" made the walls ring. "Egan for ever!" and hurras,
+were returned from the Merryvalians. O'Grady thus commenced his
+address:--
+
+"In coming forward to support my honourable friend, the Honourable
+Sackville Scatterbrain, it is from the conviction--the conviction----"
+
+"Who got the conviction agen the potteen last sishin?" said the voice
+in the crowd.
+
+Loud groans followed this allusion to the prosecution of a few little
+private stills, in which O'Grady had shown some unnecessary severity
+that made him unpopular. Cries of "Order!" and "Silence!" ensued.
+
+"I say the conviction," repeated O'Grady fiercely, looking towards the
+quarter whence the interruption took place,--"and if there is any
+blackguard here who dares to interrupt me, I'll order him to be taken
+out by the ears. I say, I propose my honourable friend, the Honourable
+Sackville Scatterbrain, from the conviction that there is a necessity
+in this county----"
+
+"'Faith, there is plenty of necessity," said the tormentor in the
+crowd.
+
+"Take that man out," said the sheriff.
+
+"Don't hurry yourself, sir," returned the delinquent, amidst the
+laughter of "the boys," in proportion to whose merriment rose O'Grady's
+ill-humour.
+
+"I say there is a necessity for a vigorous member to represent this
+county in parliament, and support the laws, the constitution, the
+crown, and the--the--interests of the county!"
+
+"Who made the new road?" was a question that now arose from the
+crowd--a laugh followed--and some groans at this allusion to a bit of
+jobbing on the part of O'Grady, who got a grand jury presentment to
+make a road which served nobody's interest but his own.
+
+"The frequent interruptions I meet here from the lawless and
+disaffected show too plainly that we stand in need of men who will
+support the arm of the law in purging the country."
+
+"Who killed the 'pothecary?" said a fellow, in a voice so deep as
+seemed fit only to issue from the jaws of death.
+
+The question, and the extraordinary voice in which it was uttered,
+produced one of those roars of laughter which sometimes shake public
+meetings in Ireland; and O'Grady grew furious.
+
+"If I knew who that gentleman was, I'd pay him!" said he.
+
+"You'd better pay _them you know_," was the answer; and this
+allusion to O'Grady's notorious character of a bad payer, was relished
+by the crowd, and again raised the laugh against him.
+
+"Sir," said O'Grady, addressing the sheriff, "I hold this ruffianism in
+contempt. I treat it, and the authors of it, those who no doubt have
+instructed them, with contempt." He looked over to where Egan and his
+friends stood, as he spoke of the crowd having had instruction to
+interrupt him.
+
+"If you mean, sir," said Egan, "that I have given any such instructions,
+I deny, in the most unqualified terms, the truth of such an assertion."
+
+"Keep yourself cool, Ned," said Dick Dawson, close to his ear.
+
+"Never fear me," said Egan; "but I won't let him bully."
+
+The two former friends now exchanged rather fierce looks at each other.
+
+"Then why am I interrupted?" asked O'Grady.
+
+"It is no business of mine to answer that," replied Egan; "but I repeat
+the unqualified denial of your assertion."
+
+The crowd ceased its noise when the two Squires were seen engaged in
+exchanging smart words, in the hopes of catching what they said.
+
+"It is a disgraceful uproar," said the sheriff.
+
+"Then it is your business, Mister Sheriff," returned Egan, "to suppress
+it--not mine; they are quiet enough now."
+
+"Yes, but they'll make a wow again," said Furlong, "when Miste' O'Gwady
+begins."
+
+"You seem to know all about it," said Dick; "maybe _you_ have
+instructed them."
+
+"No, sir, I didn't instwuct them," said Furlong, very angry at being
+twitted by Dick.
+
+Dick laughed in his face, and said, "Maybe that's some of your
+electioneering tactics--eh?"
+
+Furlong got very angry, while Dick and Murphy shouted with laughter at
+him--"No, sir," said Furlong, "I don't welish the pwactice of such
+di'ty twicks."
+
+"Do you apply the word 'dirty' to me, sir?" said Dick the Devil, ruffling
+up like a game-cock. "I'll tell you what, sir, if you make use of the
+word 'dirty' again, I'd think very little of kicking you--ay, or eight
+like you--I'll kick eight Furlongs one mile."
+
+"Who's talking of kicking?" asked O'Grady.
+
+"I am," said Dick, "do you want any?"
+
+"Gentlemen! gentlemen!" cried the sheriff, "order! pray order! do
+proceed with the business of the day."
+
+"I'll talk to you after about this!" said O'Grady, in a threatening
+tone.
+
+"Very well," said Dick; "we've time enough, the day's young yet."
+
+O'Grady then proceeded to find fault with Egan, censuring his politics,
+and endeavouring to justify his defection from the same cause. He
+concluded thus: "Sir, I shall pursue my course of duty; I have chalked
+out my own line of conduct, sir, and I am convinced no other line is
+the right line. Our opponents are wrong, sir--totally wrong--all wrong;
+and, as I have said, I have chalked out my own line, sir, and I propose
+the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain as a fit and proper person to sit
+in parliament for the representation of this county."
+
+The O'Gradyites shouted as their chief concluded; and the Merryvalians
+returned some groans, and a cry of "Go home, turncoat!"
+
+Egan now presented himself, and was received with deafening and
+long-continued cheers, for he was really beloved by the people at
+large; his frank and easy nature, the amiable character he bore in all
+his social relations, the merciful and conciliatory tendency of his
+decisions and conduct as a magistrate, won him the solid respect as
+well as affection of the country.
+
+He had been for some days in low spirits in consequence of Larry Hogan's
+visit and mysterious communication with him; but this, its cause, was
+unknown to all but himself, and therefore more difficult to support; for
+none but those whom sad experience has taught can tell the agony of
+enduring in secret and in silence the pang that gnaws a proud heart,
+which, Spartan like, will let the tooth destroy, without complaint or
+murmur.
+
+His depression, however, was apparent, and Dick told Murphy he feared
+Ned would not be up to the mark at the election; but Murphy, with a
+better knowledge of human nature, and the excitement of such a cause,
+said, "Never fear him--ambition is a long spur, my boy, and will stir
+the blood of a thicker-skinned fellow than your brother-in-law. When he
+comes to stand up and assert his claims before the world, he'll be all
+right!"
+
+Murphy was a true prophet, for Egan presented himself with confidence,
+brightness, and good-humour on his open countenance.
+
+"The first thing I have to ask of you, boys," said Egan, addressing the
+assembled throng, "is a fair hearing for the other candidate."
+
+"Hear, hear," followed from the gentlemen in the gallery.
+
+"And, as he's a stranger amongst us, let him have the privilege of
+first addressing you."
+
+With these words he bowed courteously to Scatterbrain, who thanked him
+very much like a gentleman, and accepting his offer, advanced to address
+the electors. O'Grady waved his hand in signal to his body-guard, and
+Scatterbrain had three cheers from the ragamuffins.
+
+He was no great things of a speaker, but he was a good-humoured fellow,
+and this won on the Paddies; and although coming before them under the
+disadvantage of being proposed by O'Grady, they heard him with good
+temper:--to this, however, Egan's good word considerably contributed.
+
+He went very much over the ground his proposer had taken, so that,
+bating the bad temper, the pith of his speech was much the same, quite
+as much deprecating the political views of his opponent, and harping on
+O'Grady's worn-out catch-word of "Having chalked out a line for
+himself," &c. &c. &c.
+
+Egan now stood forward, and was greeted with fresh cheers. He began in
+a very Irish fashion; for, being an unaffected, frank, and free-hearted
+fellow himself, he knew how to touch the feelings of those who possess
+such qualities. He waited till the last echo of the uproarious greeting
+died away, and the first simple words he uttered were--
+
+"Here I am, boys!"
+
+Simple as these words were, they produced "one cheer more."
+
+"Here I am, boys--_the same I ever was_."
+
+Loud huzzas and "Long life to you!" answered the last pithy words, which
+were sore ones to O'Grady, who, as a renegade, felt the hit.
+
+"Fellow-countrymen, I come forward to represent you, and, however I may
+be unequal to _that_ task, at least I will never _mis_represent you."
+
+Another cheer followed.
+
+"My past life is evidence enough on _that_ point; God forbid I were of
+the mongrel breed of Irishmen who speak ill of their own country. I
+never did it, boys, and I never will! Some think they get on by it, and
+so they do, indeed;--they get on as sweeps and shoe-blacks get on--they
+drive a dirty trade and find employment;--but are they respected?"
+
+Shouts of "No!--no!"
+
+"You're right!--No!--they are not respected--even by their very
+employers. Your political sweep and shoe-black is no more respected than
+he who cleans our chimneys or cleans our shoes. The honourable gentleman
+who has addressed you last confesses he is a stranger amongst you; and
+is _he_, a stranger, to be your representative? You may be civil to a
+stranger--it is a pleasing duty,--but he is not the man to whom you
+would give your confidence. You might share a hearty glass with a
+stranger, but you would not enter into a joint lease of a farm without
+knowing a little more of him; and if you would not trust a single farm
+with a stranger, will you give a whole county into his hands? When a
+stranger comes to these parts, I'm sure he'll get a civil answer from
+every man I see here,--he will get a civil 'yes' or a civil 'no' to his
+questions; and if he seeks his way, you will show him his road. As to
+the honourable gentleman who has done you the favour to come and ask you
+civilly, will you give him the county, you as civilly may answer 'No,'
+and _show him his road home again_. ('So we will.') As for the gentleman
+who proposed him, he has chosen to make certain strictures upon my
+views, and opinions, and conduct. As for views--there was a certain
+heathen god the Romans worshipped, called Janus; he was a fellow with
+two heads--and by-the-bye, boys, he would have been just the fellow to
+live amongst us; for when one of his heads was broken he would have had
+the other for use. Well, this Janus was called 'double-face,' and could
+see before and behind him. Now, _I'm no double-face_, boys; and as for
+seeing before and behind me, I can look back on the past and forward to
+the future, and _both_ the roads are _straight ones_. (Cheers.) I wish
+every one could say as much. As for my opinions, all I shall say is, _I_
+never changed _mine_; Mr. O'Grady can't say as much."
+
+"Sure there's a weathercock in the family," said the voice in the
+crowd.
+
+A loud laugh followed this sally, for the old dowager's eccentricity
+was not _quite_ a secret. O'Grady looked as if he could have eaten
+the whole crowd at a mouthful.
+
+"Much has been said," continued Egan, "about gentlemen chalking out
+lines for themselves;--now, the plain English of this determined
+chalking of _their own_ line is _rubbing out every other man's line_.
+(Bravo.) Some of these chalking gentlemen have lines chalked up against
+them, and might find it difficult to pay the score if they were called
+to account. To such, rubbing out other men's lines, and their own too,
+may be convenient; but I don't like the practice. Boys, I have no more
+to say than this, _We know and can trust each other!_"
+
+Egan's address was received with acclamation, and when silence was
+restored, the sheriff demanded a show of hands; and a very fine show of
+hands there was, _and every hand had a stick in it_.
+
+The show of hands was declared to be in favour of Egan, whereupon a
+poll was demanded on the part of Scatterbrain, after which every one
+began to move from the court-house.
+
+O'Grady, in very ill-humour, was endeavouring to shove past a herculean
+fellow, rather ragged and very saucy, who did not seem inclined to give
+place to the savage elbowing of the Squire.
+
+"What brings such a ragged rascal as you here?" said O'Grady, brutally;
+"you're not an elector."
+
+"Yis, I am!" replied the fellow, sturdily.
+
+"Why, _you_ can't have a lease, you beggar."
+
+"No, but maybe I have an article."[22]
+
+      [22] A name given to a written engagement between landlord and
+      tenant, promising to grant a lease, on which registration is
+      allowed in Ireland.
+
+"What is your article?"
+
+"What is it?" retorted the fellow, with a fierce look at O'Grady.
+"'Faith, it's a fine brass blunderbuss; _and I'd like to see the man
+would dispute the title_."
+
+O'Grady had met his master, and could not reply; the crowd shouted for
+the ragamuffin, and all parties separated, to gird up their loins for
+the next day's poll.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+
+After the angry words exchanged at the nomination, the most peaceable
+reader must have anticipated the probability of a duel;--but when the
+inflammable stuff of which Irishmen are made is considered, together
+with the excitement and pugnacious spirit attendant upon elections in
+all places, the certainty of a hostile meeting must have been apparent.
+The sheriff might have put the gentlemen under arrest, it is true, but
+that officer was a weak, thoughtless, irresolute person, and took no
+such precaution; though, to do the poor man justice, it is only fair to
+say that such an intervention of authority at such a time and place
+would be considered on all hands as a very impertinent, unjustifiable,
+and discourteous interference with the private pleasures and privileges
+of gentlemen.
+
+Dick Dawson had a message conveyed to him from O'Grady, requesting the
+honour of his company the next morning to "grass before breakfast!" to
+which, of course, Dick returned an answer expressive of the utmost
+readiness to oblige the Squire with his presence; and, as the business
+of the election was of importance, it was agreed they should meet at a
+given spot on the way to the town, and so lose as little time as
+possible.
+
+The next morning, accordingly, the parties met at the appointed place,
+Dick attended by Edward O'Connor and Egan--the former in capacity of
+his friend; and O'Grady, with Scatterbrain for his second, and Furlong
+a looker-on: there were some straggling spectators besides, to witness
+the affair.
+
+"O'Grady looks savage, Dick," said Edward.
+
+"Yes," answered Dick, with a smile of as much unconcern as if he were
+going to lead off a country dance. "He looks as pleasant as a bull in a
+pound."
+
+"Take care of yourself, my dear Dick," said Edward seriously.
+
+"My dear boy, don't make yourself uneasy," replied Dick, laughing.
+"I'll bet you two to one he misses me."
+
+Edward made no reply, but, to his sensitive and more thoughtful nature,
+betting at such a moment savoured too much of levity, so, leaving his
+friend, he advanced to Scatterbrain, and they commenced making the
+preliminary preparations.
+
+During the period which this required O'Grady was looking down sulkily
+or looking up fiercely, and striking his heel with vehemence into the
+sod, while Dick Dawson was whistling a planxty and eyeing his man.
+
+The arrangements were soon made, the men placed on their ground, and
+Dick saw by the intent look with which O'Grady marked him, that he meant
+mischief; they were handed their pistols--the seconds retired--the word
+was given, and as O'Grady raised his pistol, Dick saw he was completely
+covered, and suddenly exclaimed, throwing up his arm, "I beg your pardon
+for a moment."
+
+O'Grady involuntarily lowered his weapon, and seeing Dick standing
+perfectly erect, and nothing following his sudden request for this
+suspension of hostilities, asked, in a very angry tone, why he had
+interrupted him. "Because I saw you had me covered," said Dick, "and
+you'd have hit me if you had fired that time: now fire away as soon as
+you like!" added he, at the same moment rapidly bringing up his own
+pistol to the level.
+
+O'Grady was taken by surprise, and fancying Dick was going to blaze at
+him, fired hastily, and missed his adversary.
+
+Dick made him a low bow, and fired in the air.
+
+O'Grady wanted another shot, saying Dawson had tricked him, but
+Scatterbrain felt the propriety of Edward O'Connor's objection to
+further fighting, after Dawson receiving O'Grady's fire; so the
+gentlemen were removed from the ground and the affair terminated.
+
+O'Grady, having fully intended to pink Dick, was excessively savage at
+being overreached, and went off to the election with a temper by no
+means sweetened by the morning's adventure, while Dick roared with
+laughing, exclaiming at intervals to Edward O'Connor, as he was putting
+up his pistols, "Did not I _do_ him neatly?"
+
+Off they cantered gaily to the high road, exchanging merry and cheering
+salutations with the electors, who were thronging towards the town in
+great numbers and all variety of manner, group, and costume, some on
+foot, some on horseback, and some on cars; the gayest show of holiday
+attire contrasting with the every-day rags of wretchedness; the fresh
+cheek of health and beauty making gaunt misery look more appalling, and
+the elastic step of vigorous youth outstripping the tardy pace of feeble
+age. Pedestrians were hurrying on in detachments of five or six--the
+equestrians in companies less numerous; sometimes the cavalier who could
+boast a saddle carrying a woman on a pillion behind him. But saddle or
+pillion were not an indispensable accompaniment to this equestrian duo,
+for many a "bare-back" _garran_ carried his couple, his only harness
+being a halter made of a hay-rope, which in time of need sometimes
+proves a substitute for "rack and manger," for it is not uncommon in
+Ireland to see the _garran_ nibbling the end of his bridle when
+opportunity offers. The cars were in great variety; some bore small
+kishes,[23] in which a woman and some children might be seen; others had
+a shake-down of clean straw to serve for cushions; while the better sort
+spread a feather-bed for greater comfort, covered by a patchwork quilt,
+the work of the "good woman" herself, whose own quilted petticoat vied
+in brightness with the calico roses on which she was sitting. The most
+luxurious indulged still further in some arched branches of hazel,
+which, bent above the car in the fashion of a booth, bore another
+coverlid, by way of awning, and served for protection against the
+weather; but few there were who could indulge in such a luxury as this
+of the "_chaise marine_," which is the name the contrivance bears, but
+why, Heaven only knows.
+
+      [23] A large basket of coarse wicker-work, used mostly for carrying
+      turf--_Anglice_, peat.
+
+The street of the town had its centre occupied at the broadest place
+with a long row of cars, covered in a similar manner to the _chaise
+marine_, a door or a shutter laid across underneath the awning,
+after the fashion of a counter, on which various articles were
+displayed for sale; for the occasion of the election was as good as a
+fair to the small dealers, and the public were therefore favoured with
+the usual opportunity of purchasing uneatable gingerbread, knives that
+would not cut, spectacles to increase blindness, and other articles of
+equal usefulness.
+
+While the dealers here displayed their ware, and were vociferous in
+declaring its excellence, noisy groups passed up and down on either side
+of these ambulatory shops, discussing the merits of the candidates,
+predicting the result of the election, or giving an occasional cheer for
+their respective parties, with the twirl of a stick or the throwing up
+of a hat; while from the houses on both sides of the street the scraping
+of fiddles, and the lilting of pipes, increased the mingled din.
+
+But the crowd was thickest and the uproar greatest in front of the inn
+where Scatterbrain's committee sat, and before the house of Murphy, who
+gave up all his establishment to the service of the election, and whose
+stable-yard made a capital place of mustering for the tallies of Egan's
+electors to assemble ere they marched to the poll. At last the hour for
+opening the poll struck, the inn poured forth the Scatterbrains, and
+Murphy's stable-yard the Eganites, the two bodies of electors uttering
+thundering shouts of defiance, as, with rival banners flying, they
+joined in one common stream, rushing to give their votes--for as for
+their _voices_, they were giving _them_ most liberally and strenuously
+already. The dense crowd soon surrounded the hustings in front of the
+court-house, and the throes and heavings of this living mass resembled a
+turbulent sea lashed by a tempest:--but what sea is more unruly than an
+excited crowd?--what tempest fiercer than the breath of political
+excitement?
+
+Conspicuous amongst those on the hustings were both the candidates, and
+their aiders and abettors on either side--O'Grady and Furlong, Dick
+Dawson and Tom Durfy for work, and Growling to laugh at them all. Edward
+O'Connor was addressing the populace in a spirit-stirring appeal to
+their pride and affections, stimulating them to support their tried and
+trusty friend, and not yield the honour of their county either to fears
+or favours of a stranger, nor copy the bad example which some (who ought
+to blush) had set them, of betraying old friends and abandoning old
+principles. Edward's address was cheered by those who heard it:--but
+being heard is not essential to the applause attendant on political
+addresses, for those who do not hear cheer quite as much as those who
+do. The old adage hath it, "Show me your company, and I'll tell you who
+you are;"--and in the spirit of the adage one might say, "Let me see the
+speech-maker, an' I'll tell you what he says." So when Edward O'Connor
+spoke, the boys welcomed him with a shout of "Ned of the Hill for
+ever!"--and knowing to what tune his mouth would be opened, they cheered
+accordingly when he concluded. O'Grady, on evincing a desire to address
+them, was not so successful;--the moment he showed himself, taunts were
+flung at him: but spite of this, attempting to frown down their
+dissatisfaction, he began to speak; but he had not uttered six words
+when his voice was drowned in the discordant yells of a trumpet. It is
+scarcely necessary to tell the reader that the performer was the
+identical trumpeter of the preceding day, whom O'Grady had kicked so
+unmercifully, who, in indignation at his wrongs, had gone over to the
+enemy; and having, after a night's hard work, disengaged the cork which
+Andy had crammed into his trumpet, appeared in the crowd ready to do
+battle in the popular cause.--"Wait," he cried, "till that savage of a
+baste of a Squire dares for to go for to spake!--won't I smother him!"
+Then he would put his instrument of vengeance to his lips, and produce a
+yell that made his auditors put their hands to their ears. Thus armed,
+he waited near the platform for O'Grady's speech, and put his threat
+effectually into execution. O'Grady saw whence the annoyance proceeded,
+and shook his fist at the delinquent, with protestations that the police
+should drag him from the crowd, if he dared to continue; but every
+threat was blighted in the bud by the withering blast of a trumpet,
+which was regularly followed by a peal of laughter from the crowd.
+O'Grady stamped and swore with rage, and calling Furlong, sent him to
+inform the sheriff how riotous the crowd were, and requested him to have
+the trumpeter seized.
+
+Furlong hurried off on his mission, and after a long search for the
+potential functionary, saw him in a distant corner, engaged in what
+appeared to be an urgent discussion between him and Murtough Murphy, who
+was talking in the most jocular manner to the sheriff, who seemed
+anything but amused with his argumentative merriment. The fact was,
+Murphy, while pushing the interests of Egan with an energy unsurpassed,
+did it with all the utmost cheerfulness, and gave his opponents a laugh
+in exchange for the point gained against them, and while he defeated,
+amused them. Furlong, after shoving and elbowing his way through the
+crowd, suffering from heat and exertion, came _fussing_ up to the
+sheriff, wiping his face with a scented cambric pocket-handkerchief. The
+sheriff and Murphy were standing close beside one of the polling-desks,
+and on Furlong's lisping out "Miste' Shewiff," Murphy, recognising the
+voice and manner, turned suddenly round, and with the most provoking
+cordiality addressed him thus, with a smile and a nod, "Ah! Mister
+Furlong, how d'ye do?--delighted to see you; here we are at it, sir,
+hammer and tongs--of course you are come to vote for Egan?"
+
+Furlong, who intended to annihilate Murphy with an indignant repetition
+of the provoking question put to him, threw as much of defiance as he
+could in his namby-pamby manner, and exclaimed, "_I_ vote for Egan!"
+
+"Thank you, sir," said Murphy. "Record the vote," added he to the
+clerk.
+
+There was loud laughter on one side, and anger as loud on the other, at
+the way in which Murphy had entrapped Furlong, and cheated him into
+voting against his own party. In vain the poor gull protested he never
+_meant_ to vote for Egan.
+
+"But you did it," cried Murphy.
+
+"What the deuce have you done?" cried Scatterbrain's agent, in a rage.
+
+"Of course, they know I wouldn't vote that way," said Furlong. "I
+_couldn't_ vote that way--it's a mistake, and I pwotest against
+the twick."
+
+"We've got the trick, and we'll keep it, however," said Murphy.
+
+Scatterbrain's agent said 't was unfair, and desired the polling-clerk
+not to record the vote.
+
+"Didn't every one hear him say, '_I vote for Egan_'?" asked
+Murphy.
+
+"But he didn't mean it, sir," said the agent.
+
+"I don't care what he meant, but I know he said it," retorted Murphy;
+"and every one round knows he said it; and as I mean what I say myself,
+I suppose every other gentleman does the same--down with the vote,
+Mister Polling-clerk."
+
+A regular wrangle now took place between the two agents, amidst the
+laughter of the bystanders, whose merriment was increased by Furlong's
+vehement assurances he did not mean to vote as Murphy wanted to make it
+appear he had; but the more he protested, the more the people laughed.
+This increased his energy in fighting out the point, until Scatterbrain's
+agent recommended him to desist, for that he was only interrupting their
+own voters from coming up. "Never mind now, sir," said the agent, "I'll
+appeal to the assessor about that vote."
+
+"Appeal as much as you like," said Murtough; "that vote is as dead as a
+herring to you."
+
+Furlong, finding further remonstrance unavailing, as regarded his vote,
+delivered to the sheriff the message of O'Grady, who was boiling over
+with impatience, in the meantime, at the delay of his messenger, and
+anxiously expecting the arrival of sheriff and police to coerce the
+villainous trumpeter and chastise the applauding crowd, which became
+worse and worse every minute.
+
+They exhibited a new source of provocation to O'Grady, by exposing a
+rat-trap hung at the end of a pole, with the caged vermin within, and
+vociferated "Rat, rat," in the pauses of the trumpet. Scatterbrain,
+remembering the hearing they gave him the previous day, hoped to
+silence them, and begged O'Grady to permit _him_ to address them;
+but the whim of the mob was up, and could not be easily diverted, and
+Scatterbrain himself was hailed with the name of "Rat-catcher."
+
+"You cotch him--and I wish you joy of him!" cried one.
+
+"How much did you give for him?" shouted another.
+
+"What did you bait your thrap with?" roared a third.
+
+"A bit o' _threasury bacon_," was the answer from a stentorian voice
+amidst the multitude, who shouted with laughter at the apt rejoinder,
+which they reiterated from one end of the crowd to the other, and the
+cry of "threasury bacon" rang far and wide.
+
+Scatterbrain and O'Grady consulted together on the hustings what was to
+be done, while Dick the Devil was throwing jokes to the crowd, and
+inflaming their mischievous merriment, and Growling looking on with an
+expression of internal delight at the fun, uproar, and vexation around
+him. It was just a dish to his taste and he devoured it with silent
+satisfaction.
+
+"What the deuce keeps that sneaking dandy?" cried O'Grady to Scatterbrain.
+"He should have returned long ago." Oh! could he have only known at that
+moment, that his sweet son-in-law elect was voting against them, what
+would have been the consequence?
+
+Another exhibition, insulting to O'Grady, now appeared in the crowd--a
+chimney-pot and weathercock, after the fashion of his mother's, was
+stuck on a pole, and underneath was suspended an old coat, turned inside
+out; this double indication of his change, so peculiarly insulting, was
+elevated before the hustings, amidst the jeers and laughter of the
+people. O'Grady was nearly frantic--he rushed to the front of the
+platform, he shook his fist at the mockery, poured every abusive epithet
+on its perpetrators, and swore he would head the police himself and
+clear the crowd. In reply, the crowd hooted, the rat-trap and
+weathercock were danced together after the fashion of Punch and Judy, to
+the music of the trumpet; and another pole made its appearance, with a
+piece of bacon on it, and a placard bearing the inscription of "Treasury
+bacon," all which Tom Durfy had run off to procure at a huckster's shop
+the moment he heard the waggish answer, which he thus turned to account.
+
+"The military must be called out!" said O'Grady; and with these words
+he left the platform to seek the sheriff.
+
+Edward O'Connor, the moment he heard O'Grady's threat, quitted the
+hustings also, in company with old Growling. "What a savage and
+dangerous temper that man has!" said Edward; "calling for the military
+when the people have committed no outrage to require such interference."
+
+"They have poked up the bear with their poles, sir, and it is likely
+he'll give them a hug before he's done with them," answered the doctor.
+
+"But what need of military?" indignantly exclaimed Edward. "The people
+are only going on with the noise and disturbance common to any election,
+and the chances are, that savage man may influence the sheriff to
+provoke the people, by the presence of soldiers, to some act which
+would not have taken place but for their interference; and thus they
+themselves originate the offence which they are forearmed with power to
+chastise. In England such extreme measures are never resorted to until
+necessity compels them. How I have envied Englishmen, when, on the
+occasion of assizes, every soldier is marched from the town while the
+judge is sitting; in Ireland the place of trial bristles with bayonets!
+How much more must a people respect and love the laws, whose own purity
+and justice are their best safeguard--whose inherent majesty is
+sufficient for their own protection! The sword of justice should never
+need the assistance of the swords of dragoons; and in the election of
+their representatives, as well as at judicial sittings, a people should
+be free from military despotism."
+
+"But, as an historian, my dear young friend," said the doctor, "I need
+not remind you, that dragoons have been considered 'good lookers-on' in
+Ireland since the days of Strafford."
+
+"Ay!" said Edward; "and scandalous it is, that the abuses of the
+seventeenth century should be perpetuated in the nineteenth.[24] While
+those who govern show, by the means they adopt for supporting their
+authority, that their rule requires undue force to uphold it, they
+tacitly teach resistance to the people, and their practices imply that
+the resistance is righteous."
+
+      [24] When Strafford's infamous project of the wholesale robbery of
+      Connaught was put in practice, not being quite certain of his
+      juries, he writes that he will send three hundred horse to the
+      province during the proceedings, as "good lookers-on."
+
+"My dear Master Ned," said the doctor, "you're a patriot, and I'm sorry
+for you; you inherit the free opinions of your namesake 'of the hill,'
+of blessed memory; with such sentiments you may make a very good Irish
+barrister, but you'll never be an Irish judge--and as for a silk gown,
+'faith you may leave the wearing of _that_ to your wife, for stuff
+is all that will ever adorn your shoulders."
+
+"Well, I would rather have stuff there than in my head," answered
+Edward.
+
+"Very epigrammatic, indeed, Master Ned," said the doctor. "Let us make
+a distich of it," added he, with a chuckle; "for, of a verity, some of
+the K. C.'s of our times are but dunces. Let's see--how will it go?"
+
+Edward dashed off this couplet in a moment--
+
+    "Of modern king's counsel this truth may be said,
+    They have _silk_ on their shoulders, and _stuff_ in their head."
+
+"Neat enough," said the doctor; "but you might contrive more sting in
+it--something to the tune of the impossibility of making 'a silk purse
+out of a sow's ear,' but the facility of manufacturing silk gowns out
+of _bores'_ heads."
+
+"That's out of your bitter pill-box, Doctor," said Ned, smiling.
+
+"Put it into rhyme, Ned--and set it to music--and dedicate it to the
+bar mess, and see how you'll rise in your profession! Good bye--I will
+be back again to see the fun as soon as I can, but I must go now and
+visit an old woman who is in doubt whether she stands most in need of
+me or the priest. It's wonderful, how little people think of the other
+world till they are going to leave this; and, with all their praises of
+heaven, how very anxious they are to stay out of it as long as they
+can."
+
+With this bit of characteristic sarcasm, the doctor and Edward
+separated.
+
+Edward had hardly left the hustings, when Murphy hurried on the
+platform and asked for him.
+
+"He left a few minutes ago," said Tom Durfy.
+
+"Well, I dare say he's doing good wherever he is," said Murtough; "I
+wanted to speak to him, but when he comes back send him to me. In the
+meantime, Tom, run down and bring up a batch of voters--we're getting a
+little ahead, I think, with the bothering I'm giving them up there, and
+now I want to push them with good strong tallies--run down to the yard,
+like a good fellow, and march them up."
+
+Off posted Tom Durfy on his mission, and Murphy returned to the
+court-house.
+
+Tom, on reaching Murphy's house, found a strange posse of O'Grady's
+party hanging round the place, and one of the fellows had backed a car
+against the yard gate which opened on the street, and was the outlet for
+Egan's voters. By way of excuse for this, the car was piled with
+cabbages for sale, and a couple of very unruly pigs were tethered to the
+shafts, and the strapping fellow who owned all kept guard over them. Tom
+immediately told him he should leave that place, and an altercation
+commenced; but even an electioneering dispute could not but savour of
+fun and repartee, between Paddies.
+
+"Be off!" said Tom.
+
+"Sure I can't be off till the market's over," was the answer.
+
+"Well, you must take your car out o' this."
+
+"Indeed now, you'll let me stay, Misther Durfy."
+
+"Indeed I won't."
+
+"Arrah! what harm?"
+
+"You're stopping up the gate on purpose, and you must go."
+
+"Sure your honour wouldn't spile my stand!"
+
+"'Faith, I'll spoil more than your stand, if you don't leave that."
+
+"Not finer cabbage in the world."
+
+"Go out o' that now, 'while your shoes are good,'"[25] said Tom, seeing
+he had none; for, in speaking of shoes, Tom had no intention of alluding
+to the word _choux_, and thus making a French pun upon the _cabbage_--for
+Tom did not understand French, but rather despised it as a jack-a-dandy
+acquirement.
+
+      [25] A saying among the Irish peasantry--meaning there is danger
+      in delay.
+
+"Sure, you wouldn't ruin my market, Misther Durfy."
+
+"None of your humbugging--but be off at once," said Tom, whose tone
+indicated he was _very much in earnest_.
+
+"Not a nicer slip of a pig in the market than the same pigs--I'm
+expectin' thirty shillin's apiece for them."
+
+"'Faith, you'll get more than thirty shillings," cried Tom, "in less
+than thirty seconds, if you don't take your dirty cabbage and
+blackguard pigs out o' that!"
+
+"Dirty cabbages!" cried the fellow, in a tone of surprise.
+
+The order to depart was renewed.
+
+"Blackguard pigs!" cried Paddy, in affected wonder. "Ah, Masther Tom,
+one would think it was afther dinner you wor."
+
+"What do you mean, you rap?--do you intend to say I'm drunk?"
+
+"Oh no, sir! But if it's not afther dinner wid you, I think you
+wouldn't turn up your nose at bacon and greens."
+
+"Oh, with all your joking," said Tom, laughing, "you won't find me
+a chicken to pluck for your bacon and greens, my boy; so,
+start!--vanish!--disperse!--my bacon-merchant."
+
+While this dialogue was going forward, several cars were gathered round
+the place, with a seeming view to hem in Egan's voters, and interrupt
+their progress to the poll; but the gate of the yard suddenly opened,
+and the fellows within soon upset the car which impeded their egress,
+gave freedom to the pigs, who used their liberty in eating the cabbages,
+while their owner was making cause with his party of O'Gradyites against
+the outbreak of Egan's men. The affair was not one of importance; the
+numbers were not sufficient to constitute a good row--it was but a
+hustling affair, after all, and a slight scrimmage enabled Tom Durfy to
+head his men in a rush to the poll.
+
+The polling was now prosecuted vigorously on both sides, each party
+anxious to establish a majority on the first day; and of course the
+usual practices for facilitating their own, and retarding their
+opponents' progress were resorted to.
+
+Scatterbrain's party, to counteract the energetic movement of the
+enemy's voters and Murphy's activity, got up a mode of interruption
+seldom made use of, but of which they availed themselves on the present
+occasion. It was determined to put the oath of allegiance to all the
+Roman Catholics, by which some loss of time to the Eganite party was
+effected.
+
+This gave rise to odd scenes and answers, occasionally:--some of the
+fellows did not know what the oath of allegiance meant; some did not
+know whether there might not be a scruple of conscience against making
+it; others, indignant at what they felt to be an insulting mode of
+address, on the part of the person who said to them, in a tone savouring
+of supremacy--"_You're_ a Roman Catholic?"--would not answer immediately,
+and gave dogged looks and sometimes dogged answers; and it required
+address on the part of Egan's agents to make them overcome such
+feelings, and expedite the work of voting. At last the same herculean
+fellow who gave O'Grady the fierce answer about the _blunderbuss tenure_
+he enjoyed, came up to vote, and fairly bothered the querist with his
+ready replies, which, purposely, were never to the purpose. The
+examination ran nearly thus:--
+
+"You're a Roman Catholic?"
+
+"Am I?" said the fellow.
+
+"Are you not?" demanded the agent.
+
+"You say I am," was the answer.
+
+"Come, sir, answer--What's your religion?"
+
+"The thrue religion."
+
+"What religion is that?"
+
+"My religion."
+
+"And what's _your_ religion?"
+
+"My mother's religion."
+
+"And what was your mother's religion?"
+
+"_She tuk whisky in her tay._"
+
+"Come, now, I'll find you out, as cunning as you are," said the agent,
+piqued into an encounter of wits with this fellow, whose baffling of
+every question pleased the crowd.
+
+"You bless yourself, don't you?"
+
+"When I'm done with, I think I ought."
+
+"What place of worship do you go to?"
+
+"The most convaynient."
+
+"But of what persuasion are you?"
+
+"My persuasion is that you won't find it out."
+
+"What is your belief?"
+
+"My belief is that _you're_ puzzled."
+
+"Do you confess?"
+
+"Not to you."
+
+"Come! now I have you. Who would you send for if you were likely to
+die?"
+
+"Doctor Growlin'."
+
+"Not for the priest?"
+
+"I must first get a messenger."
+
+"Confound your quibbling!--tell me, then, what your opinions are--your
+conscientious opinions I mean."
+
+"They are the same as my landlord's."
+
+"And what are your landlord's opinions?"
+
+"Faix, his opinion is, that I won't pay him the last half-year's rint;
+and I'm of the same opinion myself."
+
+A roar of laughter followed this answer, and dumb-foundered the agent
+for a time; but, angered at the successful quibbling of the sturdy and
+wily fellow before him, he at last declared, with much severity of
+manner, that he _must_ have a direct reply. "I insist, sir, on your
+answering, at once, _are_ you a Roman Catholic?"
+
+"I am," said the fellow.
+
+"And could not you say so at once?" repeated the officer.
+
+"You never axed me," returned the other.
+
+"I did," said the officer.
+
+"Indeed, you didn't. You said I was a great many things, but you never
+_axed_ me--you wor dhrivin' _crass_ words and _cruked_ questions at me,
+and I gev you answers to match them, for sure I thought it was manners
+to cut out my _behavor_ on your patthern."
+
+"Take the oath, sir."
+
+"Where am I to take it to, sir?" inquired the provoking blackguard.
+
+The clerk was desired to "swear him," without further notice being
+taken of his impertinent answer.
+
+"I hope the oath is not _woighty_, sir, for my conscience is
+tindher since the last _alibi_ I swore."
+
+The business of the interior was now suspended for a time by the sounds
+of fierce tumult which arose from without. Some rushed from the
+court-house to the platform outside, and beheld the crowd in a state of
+great excitement, beating back the police, who had been engaged in
+endeavouring to seize the persons and things which had offended O'Grady;
+and the police falling back for support on a party of military which
+O'Grady had prevailed on the sheriff to call out. The sheriff was a
+weak, irresolute man, and was over-persuaded by such words as "mob" and
+"riot," and breaches of the peace being _about to be_ committed, if the
+ruffians were not checked beforehand. The wisdom of _preventive
+measures_ was preached, and the rest of the hackneyed phrases were
+paraded, which brazen-faced and iron-handed oppressors are only too
+familiar with.
+
+The people were now roused, and thoroughly defeated the police, who
+were forced to fly to the lines of the military party for protection;
+having effected this object, the crowd retained their position, and did
+not attempt to assault the soldiers, though a very firm and louring
+front was presented to them, and shouts of defiance against the
+"Peelers"[26] rose loud and long.
+
+      [26] The name given to the police by the people--the force being
+      first established by Sir Robert Peel, then Mr. Peel, Secretary for
+      Ireland.
+
+"A round of ball cartridge would cool their courage," said O'Grady.
+
+The English officer in command of the party, looking with wonder and
+reproach upon him, asked if _he_ had the command of the party.
+
+"No, sir;--the sheriff, of course;--but if I were in his place, I'd
+soon disperse the rascals."
+
+"Did you ever witness the _effect_ of a fusilade, sir?" inquired
+the officer.
+
+"No, sir," said O'Grady, gruffly; "but I suppose I know pretty well
+what it is."
+
+"For the sake of humanity, sir, I hope you do not, or I am willing to
+believe you would not talk so lightly of it; but it is singular how
+much fonder civilians are of urging measures that end in blood, than
+those whose profession is arms, and who know how disastrous is their
+use."
+
+The police were ordered to advance again and seize the "ringleaders:"
+they obeyed unwillingly; but being saluted with some stones, their
+individual wrath was excited, and they advanced to chastise the mob,
+who again drove them back; and a nearer approach to the soldiers was
+made by the crowd in the scuffle which ensued.
+
+"Now, will you fire?" said O'Grady to the sheriff.
+
+The sheriff, who was a miserable coward, was filled with dread at the
+threatening aspect of the mob, and wished to have his precious person
+under shelter before hostilities commenced; so, with pallid lips, and
+his teeth chattering with fear, he exclaimed:--
+
+"No! no! no!--don't fire--don't fire--don't be precipitate: besides, I
+haven't read the Riot Act."
+
+"There's no necessity for firing, I should say," said the captain.
+
+"I thought not, captain--I hope not, captain," said the sheriff, who now
+assumed a humane tone. "Think of the effusion of blood, my dear sir,"
+said he to O'Grady, who was grinning like a fiend all the time--"the
+sacrifice of human life--I couldn't, sir--I can't, sir--besides, the
+Riot Act--haven't it about me--must be read, you know, Mister O'Grady."
+
+"Not always," said O'Grady, fiercely.
+
+"But the inquiry is always very strict after, if it is not, sir--I
+should not like the effusion of human blood, sir, unless the Riot Act
+was read, and the thing done regularly,--don't think I care for the
+d----d rascals a button, sir,--only the regularity, you know; and the
+effusion of human blood is serious, and the inquiry, too, without the
+Riot Act. Captain, would you oblige me to fall back a little closer
+round the court-house, and maintain the freedom of election? Besides,
+the Riot Act is up-stairs in my desk. The court-house must be protected,
+you know, and I just want to run up-stairs for the Riot Act; I'll be
+down again in a moment. Captain, do oblige me--draw your men a _leetle_
+closer round the court-house."
+
+"I'm in a better position here, sir," said the captain.
+
+"I thought you were under my command, sir," said the sheriff.
+
+"Under your command to fire, sir, but the choice of position rests with
+me; and we are stronger where we are; the court-house is completely
+covered, and while my men are under arms here, you may rely on it the
+crowd is completely in check without firing a shot."
+
+Off ran the sheriff to the court-house.
+
+"You're saving of your gunpowder, I see, sir," said O'Grady to the
+captain, with a sardonic grin.
+
+"You seem to be equally sparing of your humanity, sir," returned the
+captain.
+
+"God forbid I should be afraid of a pack of ruffians," said O'Grady.
+
+"Or I of a single one," returned the captain, with a look of stern
+contempt.
+
+There is no knowing what this bitter bandying of hard words might have
+led to, had it not been interrupted by the appearance of the sheriff at
+one of the windows of the court-house; there, with the Riot Act in his
+hand, he called out:--
+
+"Now I've read it--fire away, boys--fire away!" and all his compunction
+about the effusion of blood vanished the moment his own miserable
+carcass was safe from harm. Again he waved the Riot Act from the window,
+and vociferated, "Fire away, boys!" as loud as his frog-like voice
+permitted.
+
+"Now, sir, you're ordered to fire," said O'Grady to the captain.
+
+"I'll not obey that order, sir," said the captain; "the man is out of
+his senses with fear, and I'll not obey such a serious command from a
+madman."
+
+"Do you dare disobey the orders of the sheriff, sir?" thundered
+O'Grady.
+
+"I am responsible for my act, sir," said the captain--"seriously
+responsible; but I will not slaughter unarmed people until I see
+further and fitter cause."
+
+The sheriff had vanished--he was nowhere to be seen--and O'Grady as a
+magistrate had now the command. Seeing the cool and courageous man he
+had to deal with in the military chief, he determined to push matters
+to such an extremity that he should be forced, in self-defence, to
+fire. With this object in view he ordered a fresh advance of the police
+upon the people, and in this third affair matters assumed a more
+serious aspect; sticks and stones were used with more effect, and the
+two parties being nearer to each other, the missiles meant only for the
+police overshot their mark and struck the soldiers, who bore their
+painful situation with admirable patience.
+
+"Now will you fire, sir?" said O'Grady to the officer.
+
+"If I fire now, sir, I am as likely to kill the police as the people;
+withdraw your police first, sir, and then I will fire."
+
+This was but reasonable--so reasonable, that even O'Grady, enraged
+almost to madness as he was, could not gainsay it; and he went forward
+himself to withdraw the police force. O'Grady's presence increased the
+rage of the mob, whose blood was now thoroughly up, and as the police
+fell back they were pressed by the infuriated people, who now began
+almost to disregard the presence of the military, and poured down in a
+resistless stream upon them.
+
+O'Grady repeated his command to the captain, who, finding matters thus
+driven to extremity, saw no longer the possibility of avoiding
+bloodshed; and the first preparatory word of the fatal order was given,
+the second on his lips, and the long file of bright muskets flashed in
+the sun ere they should quench his light for ever to some, and carry
+darkness to many a heart and hearth, when a young and handsome man,
+mounted on a noble horse, came plunging and ploughing his way through
+the crowd, and, rushing between the half-levelled muskets and those who
+in another instant would have fallen their victims, he shouted in a
+voice whose noble tone carried to its hearers involuntary obedience,
+"Stop!--for God's sake, stop!" Then wheeling his horse suddenly round,
+he charged along the advancing front of the people, plunging his horse
+fiercely upon them, and waving them back with his hand, enforcing his
+commands with words as well as actions. The crowd fell back as he
+pressed upon them with fiery horsemanship unsurpassable by an Arab; and
+as his dark clustering hair streamed about his noble face, pale from
+excitement, and with flashing eyes, he was a model worthy of the best
+days of Grecian art--ay, and he had a soul worthy of the most glorious
+times of Grecian liberty!
+
+It was Edward O'Connor.
+
+"Fire!" cried O'Grady again.
+
+The gallant soldier, touched by the heroism of O'Connor, and roused by
+the brutality of O'Grady beyond his patience, in the excitement of the
+moment, was urged beyond the habitual parlance of a gentleman, and
+swore vehemently, "I'll be _damned_ if I do! I wouldn't run the
+risk of shooting that noble fellow for all the magistrates in your
+county."
+
+O'Connor had again turned round, and rode up to the military party,
+having heard the word "fire!" repeated.
+
+"For mercy's sake, sir, don't fire, and I pledge you my soul the crowd
+shall disperse."
+
+"Ay!" cried O'Grady, "they won't obey the laws nor the magistrates; but
+they'll listen fast enough to a d----d rebel like you."
+
+"Liar and ruffian!" exclaimed Edward. "I'm a better and more loyal
+subject than you, who provoke resistance to the laws you should make
+honoured."
+
+At the word "liar," O'Grady, now quite frenzied, attempted to seize a
+musket from a soldier beside him; and had he succeeded in obtaining
+possession of it, Edward O'Connor's days had been numbered; but the
+soldier would not give up his firelock, and O'Grady, intent on immediate
+vengeance, then rushed upon Edward, and seizing him by the leg,
+attempted to unhorse him; but Edward was too firm in his seat for this,
+and a struggle ensued.
+
+The crowd, fearing Edward was about to fall a victim, raised a fierce
+shout, and were about to advance, when the captain, with admirable
+presence of mind, seized O'Grady, dragged him away from his hold, and
+gave freedom to Edward, who instantly used it again to charge the
+advancing line of the mob, and drive them back.
+
+"Back, boys, back!" he cried, "don't give your enemies a triumph by
+being disorderly. Disperse--retire into houses, let nothing tempt you
+to riot--collect round your tally-rooms, and come up quietly to the
+polling--and you will yet have a peaceful triumph."
+
+The crowd, obeying, gave three cheers for "Ned-o'-the-Hill," and the
+dense mass, which could not be awed, and dreaded not the engines of
+war, melted away before the breath of peace.
+
+As they retired on one side, the soldiers were ordered to their
+quarters on the other, while their captain and Edward O'Connor stood in
+the midst; but ere they separated, these two, with charity in their
+souls, waved their hands towards each other in token of amity, and
+parted, verily, in friendship.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+
+After the incidents just recorded, of course great confusion and
+excitement existed, during which O'Grady was forced back into the
+court-house in a state bordering on insanity. Inflamed as his furious
+passions had been to the top of their bent, and his thirst of revenge
+still remaining unslaked, foiled in all his movements, and flung back as
+it were into the seething cauldron of his own hellish temper, he was a
+pitiable sight, foaming at the mouth like a wild animal, and uttering
+the most horrid imprecations. On Edward O'Connor principally his curses
+fell, with denunciations of immediate vengeance, and the punishment of
+dismissal from the service was prophesied on oath for the English
+captain. The terrors of a court-martial gleamed fitfully through the
+frenzied mind of the raving Squire for the soldier; and for O'Connor,
+instant death at his own hands was his momentary cry.
+
+"Find the rascal for me," he exclaimed, "that I may call him out and
+shoot him like a dog--yes, by ----, a dog--a dog; I'm disgraced while he
+lives--I wish the villain had three lives that I might take them all at
+once--all--all!" and he stretched out his hands as he spoke, and grasped
+at the air as if in imagination he clutched the visionary lives his
+bloodthirsty wishes conjured up.
+
+Edward, as soon as he saw the crowd dispersed, returned to the hustings
+and sought Dick Dawson, that he might be in readiness to undertake, on
+his part, the arrangement of the hostile meeting, to which he knew he
+should be immediately called. "Let it be over, my dear Dick, as soon as
+possible," said Edward; "it's not a case in which delay can be of any
+service; the insult was mortal between us, and the sooner expiated by a
+meeting the better."
+
+"Don't be so agitated, Ned," said Dick; "fair and easy, man--fair and
+easy--keep yourself cool."
+
+"Dear Dick--I'll be cool on the ground, but not till then--I want the
+meeting over before my father hears of the quarrel; I'm his only child,
+Dick, and you know how he loves me!"
+
+He wrung Dick's hand as he spoke, and his eye glistened with tenderness;
+but with the lightning quickness of thought all gentle feeling vanished
+as he saw Scatterbrain struggling his way towards him, and read in his
+eye the purport of his approach. He communicated to Edward his object in
+seeking him, and was at once referred to Dawson, who instantly retired
+with him and arranged an immediate meeting. This was easily done, as
+they had their pistols with them since the duel in the morning; and if
+there be those who think it a little too much of a good thing to have
+two duels in one day, pray let them remember it was election time, and
+even in sober England that period often gives rise to personalities
+which call for the intervention of the code of honour. Only in Ireland
+the thing is sooner over. We seldom have three columns of a newspaper
+filled with notes on the subject, numbered from 1 to 25.[27] Gentleman
+don't consider whether it is too soon or too late to fight, or whether a
+gentleman is perfectly entitled to call him out or not. The title in
+Ireland is generally considered sufficient in the _will_ to do it, and
+few there would wait for the poising of a very delicately balanced scale
+of etiquette before going to the ground; they would be more likely to
+fight first, and leave the world to argue about the niceties after.
+
+      [27] Just such a lengthy correspondence had appeared in the
+      London journals when the first edition of this book was
+      published.
+
+In the present instance a duel was unavoidable, and it was to be feared
+a mortal one, for deadly insult had been given on both sides.
+
+The rumour of the hostile meeting flew like wildfire through the town,
+and when the parties met in a field about a quarter of a mile beyond
+the bridge, an anxious crowd was present. The police were obliged to be
+in strong force on the ground to keep back the people, who were not
+now, as an hour before, in the town, in uproarious noise and action,
+but still as death; not a murmur was amongst them; the excitement of
+love for the noble young champion, whose life was in danger for his
+care of _them_, held them spell-bound in a tranquillity almost
+fearful.
+
+The aspect of the two principals was in singular contrast. On the one
+side a man burning for revenge, who, to use a common but terrible
+parlance, desired to "wash out the dishonour put upon him in blood." The
+other was there, regretting that cause existed for the awful
+arbitrament, and only anxious to defend his own, not take another's
+life. To sensitive minds the reaction is always painful of having
+insulted another, when the excitement is over which prompted it. When
+the hot blood which inflamed the brain runs in cooler currents, the man
+of feeling always regrets, if he does not reproach himself with, having
+urged his fellow-man to break the commandments of the Most High, and
+deface, perhaps annihilate, the form that was moulded in His image. The
+words "liar and ruffian" haunted Edward's mind reproachfully; but then
+the provocation--"rebel!"--no gentleman could brook it. Because his
+commiseration for a people had endeared him to them, was he to be called
+"_rebel_"? Because, at the risk of his own life, he had preserved
+perhaps scores, and prevented an infraction of the law, was he to be
+called "_rebel_"? He stood acquitted before his own conscience:--after
+all, the most terrible bar before which he can be called in _this_
+world.
+
+The men were placed upon their ground, and the word to fire given.
+O'Grady, in his desire for vengeance, deliberately raised his pistol
+with deadly aim, and Edward was thus enabled to fire first, yet with
+such cool precision, that his shot took effect as he intended; O'Grady's
+arm was ripped up from the wrist to the elbow; but so determined was his
+will, and so firm his aim, that the wound, severe as it was, produced
+but a slight twitch in his hand, which threw it up slightly, and saved
+Edward's life, for the ball passed through his hat _just_ above his
+head.
+
+O'Grady's arm instantly after dropped to his side, the pistol fell from
+his hand, and he staggered, for the pain of the wound was extreme. His
+second ran to his assistance.
+
+"It is only in the arm," said O'Grady, firmly, though his voice was
+changed by the agony he suffered; "give me another pistol."
+
+Dick at the same moment was beside Edward.
+
+"You're not touched," he said.
+
+Edward coolly pointed to his hat.
+
+"Too much powder," said Dick; "I thought so when his pistols were
+loaded."
+
+"No," said Edward, "it was my shot; I saw his hand twitch."
+
+Scatterbrain demanded of Dick another shot on the part of O'Grady.
+
+"By all means," was the answer, and he handed a fresh pistol to Edward.
+"To give the devil his due," said Dick, "he has great pluck, for you
+hit him hard--see how pale he looks--I don't think he can hurt you much
+this time--but watch him well, my dear Ned."
+
+The seconds withdrew; but with all O'Grady's desperate courage, he could
+not lift the pistol with his right arm, which, though hastily bound in a
+handkerchief, was bleeding profusely, and racked with torture. On
+finding his right hand powerless, such was his unflinching courage, that
+he took the pistol in his left; this of course impaired his power of
+aim, and his nerve was so shattered by his bodily suffering, that his
+pistol was discharged before coming to the level, and Edward saw the sod
+torn up close beside his foot. He then, of course, fired in the air.
+O'Grady would have fallen but for the immediate assistance of his
+friends; he was led from the ground and placed in a carriage, and it was
+not until Edward O'Connor mounted his horse to ride away, that the crowd
+manifested their feelings. Then three tremendous cheers arose; and the
+shouts of their joy and triumph reached the wounded man as he was driven
+slowly from the ground.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+
+The Widow Flanagan had long ago determined that, whenever the election
+should take place, she would take advantage of the great influx of
+visitors that event would produce, and give a grand party. Her
+preparations were all made to secure a good muster of her country
+friends, when once the day of nomination was fixed; and after the
+election began, she threw out all her hooks and lines in every
+direction, to catch every straggler worth having, whom the election
+brought into the town. It required some days to do this; and it was not
+until the eve of the fifth, that her house was turned upside down and
+inside out for the reception of the numerous guests whose company she
+expected.
+
+The toil of the day's election was over; the gentlemen had dined and
+refreshed themselves with creature comforts; the vicissitudes, and
+tricks, and chances of the last twelve hours were canvassed--when the
+striking of many a clock, or the consultation of the pocket-dial, warned
+those who were invited to Mrs. O'Flanagan's party, that it was time to
+wash off the dust of the battle-field from their faces, and mount fresh
+linen and cambric. Those who were pleased to call themselves "good
+fellows" declared for "another bottle;" the faint-hearted swore that an
+autograph invitation from Venus herself to the heathen Olympus, with
+nectar and ambrosia for tea and bread-and-butter, could not tempt them
+from the Christian enjoyment of a feather-bed after the fag of such a
+day; but the _preux chevaliers_--those who did deserve to win a fair
+lady--shook off sloth and their morning trousers, and taking to tights
+and activity, hurried to the party of the buxom widow.
+
+The widow was in her glory; hospitable, she enjoyed receiving her
+friends,--mirthful, she looked forward to a long night of downright
+sport,--coquettish, she would have good opportunity of letting Tom Durfy
+see how attractive she was to the men,--while from the women her love of
+gossip and scandal (was there ever a lady in her position without it?)
+would have ample gratification in the accumulated news of the county of
+twenty miles round. She had but one _large_ room at her command, and
+_that_ was given up to the dancing; and being cleared of tables, chairs,
+and carpet, could not be considered by Mrs. Flanagan as a proper
+reception-room for her guests, who were, therefore, received in a
+smaller apartment, where tea and coffee, toast and muffins, ladies and
+gentlemen, were all smoking-hot together, and the candles on the
+mantel-piece trickling down rivulets of fat in the most sympathetic
+manner, under the influence of the gentle sighing of a broken pane of
+glass, which the head of an inquiring youth in the street had stove in,
+while flattening his nose against it in the hope of getting a glimpse of
+the company through the opening in the window-curtain.
+
+At last, when the room could hold no more, the company were drafted off
+to the dancing-room, which had only long deal forms placed against the
+wall to rest the weary after the exertions of the jig. The aforesaid
+forms, by-the-bye, were borrowed from the chapel; the old wigsby who had
+the care of them for some time doubted the propriety of the sacred
+property being put to such a profane use, until the widow's arguments
+convinced him it was quite right, after she had given him a
+tenpenny-piece. As the dancing-room could not boast of a lustre, the
+deficiency was supplied by tin sconces hung against the wall; for ormulu
+branches are not expected to be plenty in the provinces. But let the
+widow be heard for herself, as she bustled through her guests and caught
+a critical glance at her arrangements: "What's that you're faulting
+now?--is it my deal seats without cushions? Ah! you're a _lazy Larry_,
+Bob Larkin. Cock you up with a cushion indeed! if you sit the less,
+you'll dance the more. Ah, Matty, I see you're eyeing my tin sconces
+there; well, sure they have them at the county ball, when candlesticks
+are scarce, and what would you expect grander from a poor lone woman?
+besides, we must have plenty of lights, or how could the beaux see the
+girls?--though I see, Harry Cassidy, by your sly look, that _you_ think
+they look as well in the dark--ah! you _divil_!" and she slapped his
+shoulder as she ran past. "Ah! Mister Murphy, I'm delighted to see you;
+what kept you so late?--the election to be sure. Well, we're beating
+them, ain't we? Ah! the old country for ever. I hope Edward O'Connor
+will be here. Come, begin the dance; there's the piper and the fiddler
+in the corner as idle as a mile-stone without a number. Tom Durfy, don't
+ask me to dance, for I'm engaged for the next four sets."
+
+"Oh! but the first to me," said Tom.
+
+"Ah! yis, Tom, I was; but then, you know, I couldn't refuse the stranger
+from Dublin, and the English captain that will be there by-and-by; he's
+a nice man, too, and long life to him, wouldn't fire on the people the
+other day; I vow to the Virgin, all the women in the room ought to kiss
+him when he comes in. Ah, doctor! there you are; there's Mrs. Gubbins in
+the corner dying to have a chat with you; go over to her. Who's that
+_taazing_ the piano there? Ah! James Reddy, it's _you_, I see. I hope
+it's in tune; 't is only four months since the tuner was here. I hope
+you've a new song for us, James. The tuner is so scarce, Mrs. Riley, in
+the country--not like Dublin; but we poor country people, you know, must
+put up with what we can get; not like you citizens, who has lashings of
+luxuries as easy as peas." Then, in a confidential whisper, she said, "I
+hope your daughter has practised the new piece well to-day, for I
+couldn't be looking after her, you know, to-day, being in such a bustle
+with my party; I was just like a dog in a fair, in and out everywhere;
+but I _hope_ she's _perfect_ in the piece;" then, still more
+confidentially, she added, "for _he's_ here--ah! I _wish it was_, Mrs.
+Riley;" then, with a nod and a wink, off she rattled through the room
+with a word for everybody.
+
+The Mrs. Riley, to whom she was so confidential, was a friend from
+Dublin, an atrociously vulgar woman, with a more vulgar daughter, who
+were on a visit with Mrs. Flanagan. The widow and the mother thought
+Murtough Murphy would be a good speculation for the daughter to "cock
+her cap at" (to use their own phrase), and with this view the visit to
+the country was projected. But matters did not prosper; Murphy was not
+much of a marrying man; and if ever he might be caught in the toils of
+Hymen, some frank, joyous, unaffected, dashing girl would have been the
+only one likely to serve a writ on the jovial attorney's heart. Now,
+Miss Riley was, to use Murtough Murphy's own phrase, "a batch of brass
+and a stack of affectation," and the airs she attempted to play off on
+the country folk (Murphy in particular) only made her an object for his
+mischievous merriment; as an example, we may as well touch on one
+little incident _en passant_.
+
+The widow had planned one day a walking party to a picturesque ruin,
+not far from the town, and determined that Murphy should give his arm
+to Miss Riley; for the party was arranged in couples, with a most
+deadly design on the liberty of the attorney. At the appointed hour all
+had arrived but Murphy; the widow thought it a happy chance, so she
+hurried off the party, leaving Miss Riley to wait and follow under his
+escort. In about a quarter of an hour he came, having met the widow in
+the street, who sent him back for Miss Riley. Now Murtough saw the trap
+which was intended for him, and thought it fair to make what fun he
+could of the affair, and being already sickened by various disgusting
+exhibitions of the damsel's affectation, he had the less scruple of
+"taking her down a peg," as he said himself.
+
+When Murtough reached the house and asked for Miss Riley, he was ushered
+into the little drawing-room; and there was that very full-blown young
+lady, on a chair before the fire, her left foot resting on the fender,
+her right crossed over it, and her body thrown back in a reclining
+attitude, with a sentimental droop of the head over a greasy novel: her
+figure was _rather_ developed by her posture, indeed more so than Miss
+Riley quite intended, for her ankles were not unexceptionable, and the
+position of her feet revealed rather more. A bonnet and green veil lay
+on the hearth-rug, and her shawl hung over the handle of the
+fire-shovel. When Murphy entered, he was received with a faint "How d'
+do?"
+
+"Pretty well, I thank you--how are you?" said Murphy, in his rollicking
+tone.
+
+"Oh! Miste' Murphy, you are so odd."
+
+"Odd, am I--how am I odd?"
+
+"Oh! _so_ odd."
+
+"Well, you'd better put on your bonnet and come walk, and we can talk
+of my oddity after."
+
+"Oh, indeed, I _cawn't_ walk."
+
+"Can't walk!" exclaimed Murphy. "Why can't you walk? I was sent for
+you."
+
+"'Deed I cawn't."
+
+"Ah, now!" said Murphy, giving her a little tender poke of his
+forefinger on the shoulder.
+
+"Don't, Mister Murphy, _pray_ don't."
+
+"But why won't you walk?"
+
+"I'm too delicate."
+
+Murphy uttered a very long "Oh!!!!!"
+
+"'Deed I am, Miste' Murphy, though you may disbelieve it."
+
+"Well--a nice walk is the best thing in the world for the health. Come
+along!"
+
+"Cawn't indeed; a gentle walk on a terrace, or a shadowy avenue, is all
+very well--the Rotunda Gardens, for instance."
+
+"Not forgetting the military bands that play there," said Murphy,
+"together with the officers of all the barracks in Dublin, clinking
+their sabres at their heels along the gravel walks, all for the small
+charge of a fi'penny bit."
+
+Miss Riley gave a reproachful look and shrug at the vulgar mention of a
+"fi'penny bit," which Murphy purposely said to shock her "Brummagem
+gentility."
+
+"How can you be so odd, Miste' Murphy?" she said. "I don't joke,
+indeed; a gentle walk--I repeat it--is all very well; but these horrid
+rough country walks--these _masculine_ walks, I may say--are not
+consistent with a delicate frame like mine."
+
+"A delicate frame!" said Murtough. "'Faith, I'll tell you what it is,
+Miss Riley," said he, standing bolt upright before her, plunging his
+hands into his pockets, and fixing his eyes on her feet, which still
+maintained their original position on the fender--"I'll tell you what it
+is, Miss Riley; by the _vartue_ of my oath, if your _other_ leg is a
+match for the one I see, the _divil_ a harm a trot from this to Dublin
+would do you!"
+
+Miss Riley gave a faint scream, and popped her legs under her chair,
+while Murphy ran off in a shout of laughter, and joined the party, to
+whom he made no secret of his joke.
+
+But all this did not damp Miss Riley's hopes of winning him. She
+changed her plan; and seeing he did not bow to what she considered the
+supremacy of her very elegant manners, she set about feigning at once
+admiration and dread of him. She would sometimes lift her eyes to
+Murtough with a languishing expression, and declare she never knew any
+one she was so afraid of; but even this double attack on his vanity
+could not turn Murphy's flank, and so a very laughable flirtation went
+on between them, he letting her employ all the enginery of her sex
+against him, with a mischievous enjoyment in her blindness at not
+seeing she was throwing away her powder and shot.
+
+But to return to the party; a rattling country dance called out at once
+the energies of the piper, the fiddler, and the ladies and gentlemen,
+and left those who had more activity in their heads than their heels to
+sit on the forms in the background and exercise their tongues in open
+scandal of their mutual friends and acquaintances under cover of the
+music, which prevented the most vigorous talker from being heard further
+than his or her next-door neighbour. Dr. Growling had gone over to Mrs.
+Gubbins', as desired, and was buried deep in gossip.
+
+"What an extraordinary affair that was about Miss O'Grady, doctor."
+
+"Very, ma'am."
+
+"In the man's bed she was, I hear."
+
+"So the story goes, ma'am."
+
+"And they tell me, doctor, that when her father, that _immaculate_
+madman--God keep us from harm!--said to poor Mrs. O'Grady, in a great
+rage, 'Where have you brought up your daughters to go to, ma'am?' said
+he; and she, poor woman, said, 'To church, my dear,' thinking it was the
+different religion the Saracen was after; so, says he, '_Church_,
+indeed! there's the church she's gone to, ma'am,' says he, turning down
+a quilted counterpane."
+
+"Are you sure it was not Marseilles, ma'am?" said the doctor.
+
+"Well, whatever it was, '_There's_ the church she is in,' says he,
+pulling her out of the bed."
+
+"Out of the bed?" repeated the doctor.
+
+"Out of the bed, sir!"
+
+"Then _her_ church was in the Diocese of _Down_," said the
+doctor.
+
+"That's good, docthor--indeed, that's good. 'She was caught in bed,'
+says I; and 'It's the diocese of _Down_,' says _you_: 'faith, that's
+good. I wish the diocese was your own; for you're funny enough to be a
+bishop, docthor, you lay howld of everything."
+
+"That's a great qualification for a mitre, ma'am," said the doctor.
+
+"And the poor young man that has got her is not worth a farthing, I
+hear, docthor."
+
+"Then _he_ must be the curate, ma'am; though I don't think it's a
+chapel of ease he has got into."
+
+"Oh! what a tongue you have, docthor," said she, laughing; "'faith
+you'll kill me."
+
+"That's my profession, ma'am. I am a licentiate of the Royal College;
+but, unfortunately for me, my humanity is an overmatch for my science.
+Phrenologically speaking, my benevolence is large, and my
+destructiveness and acquisitiveness small."
+
+"Ah, there you go off on another tack; and what a funny new thing that
+is you talk of!--that free knowledge or crow-knowledge, or whatever
+sort of knowledge you call it. And there's one thing I want to ask you
+about: there's a bump the ladies have, the gentlemen always laugh at, I
+remark."
+
+"That's very rude of them, ma'am," said the doctor drily. "Is it in the
+anterior region, or the----"
+
+"Docthor, don't talk queer."
+
+"I'm only speaking scientifically, ma'am."
+
+"Well, I think your scientific discourse is only an excuse for saying
+impudent things; I mean the back of their heads."
+
+"I thought so, ma'am."
+
+"They call it--dear me, I forget--something--motive--motive--it's
+Latin--but I am no _scholard_, docthor."
+
+"That's manifest, ma'am."
+
+"But a lady is not bound to know Latin, docthor."
+
+"Certainly not, ma'am--nor any other language except that of the eyes."
+
+Now, this was a wicked hit of the doctor's, for Mrs. Gubbins squinted
+frightfully; but Mrs. Gubbins did not know that, so she went on.
+
+"The bump I mean, docthor, is motive something--motive--motive--I have
+it!--motive-_ness_."
+
+"Now, I know what you mean," said the doctor; "amativeness."
+
+"That's it," said Mrs. Gubbins; "they call it number one, sometimes; I
+suppose amativeness is Latin for number one.  Now, what does that bump
+mean?"
+
+"Ah, madam," said the doctor, puzzled for a moment to give an
+explanation; but in a few seconds he answered, "That's a beautiful
+provision of nature. That, ma'am, is the organ which makes your sex
+take compassion on ours."[28]
+
+      [28] This very ingenious answer was really given by an Irish
+      professor to an over-inquisitive lady.
+
+"Wonderful!" said Mrs. Gubbins; "but how good nature is in giving us
+provision! and I don't think there is a finer provision county in
+Ireland than this."
+
+"Certainly not, ma'am," said the doctor;--but the moment Mrs. Gubbins
+began to speak of provisions, he was sure she would get into a very
+solid discourse about her own farms; so he left his seat beside her and
+went over to Mrs. Riley, to see what fun could be had in that quarter.
+
+Her daughter was cutting all sorts of barefaced capers about the room,
+"astonishing the natives," as she was pleased to say; and Growling was
+looking on in amused wonder at this specimen of vulgar effrontery, whom
+he had christened "The Brazen Baggage" the first time he saw her.
+
+"You are looking at my daughter, sir," said the delighted mother.
+
+"Yes, ma'am," said the doctor, profoundly.
+
+"She's very young, sir."
+
+"She'll mend of that, ma'am. We were young once ourselves."
+
+This was not very agreeable to the mother, who dressed rather in a
+juvenile style.
+
+"I mean, sir, that you must excuse any little awkwardness about
+her--that all arises out of timidity--she was lost with bashfulness
+till I roused her out of it--but now I think she is beginning to have a
+little self-possession."
+
+The doctor was amused, and took a large pinch of snuff; he enjoyed the
+phase "_beginning_ to have a _little_ self-possession" being applied to
+the most brazen baggage he ever saw.
+
+"She's very accomplished, sir," continued the mother. "Mister Jew-val
+(Duval) taitches her dancin', and Musha Dunny-ai (Mons. Du Noyer)[29]
+French. Misther Low-jeer (Logier) hasn't the like of her in his academy
+on the pianya; and as for the harp, you'd think she wouldn't lave a
+sthring in it."
+
+      [29] My own worthy and excellent master, to whom I gladly pay this
+      tribute of kindly remembrance.
+
+"She must be a treasure to her teachers, ma'am," said the doctor.
+
+"'Faith, you may well say _threasure_, it costs handfuls o' money; but
+sure, while there's room for improvement, every apartment must be
+attended to, and the vocal apartment is filled by Sir John--fifteen
+shillin's a lesson, no less."
+
+"What silvery tones she ought to bring out, ma'am, at that rate!"
+
+"'Faith, you may say that, sir. It's coining, so it is, with them
+tip-top men, and ruins one a'most to have a daughter; every shake I get
+out of her is to the tune of a ten-poun' note, at least. You shall hear
+her by-and-by; the minit the dancin' is over, she shall sing you the
+'Bewildhered Maid.' Do you know the 'Bewildhered Maid,' sir?"
+
+"I haven't the honour of her acquaintance, ma'am," said the doctor.
+
+The dancing _was_ soon over, and the mother's threat put into execution.
+Miss Riley was led over to the piano by the widow, with the usual
+protestations that she was hoarse. It took some time to get the piano
+ready, for an extensive clearance was to be made from it of cups and
+saucers, and half-empty glasses of negus, before it could be opened;
+then, after various thrummings and hummings and hawings, the
+"Bewildhered Maid" made her appearance in the wildest possible manner,
+and the final shriek was quite worthy of a maniac. Loud applause
+followed, and the wriggling Miss Riley was led from the piano by James
+Reddy, who had stood at the back of her chair, swaying backward and
+forward to the music, with a maudlin expression of sentiment on his
+face, and a suppressed exclamation of "B-u-tiful!" after every extra
+shout from the young lady.
+
+Growling listened with an expression of as much dissatisfaction as if
+he had been drinking weak punch.
+
+"I see you don't like that," said the widow to him, under her breath;
+"ah, you're too hard, doctor--consider she sung out of good-nature."
+
+"I don't know if it was out of good-nature," said he; "but I am sure it
+was out of tune."
+
+[Illustration: The Widow Flanagan's Party]
+
+James Reddy led back Miss Riley to her mamma, who was much delighted
+with the open manifestations of "the poet's" admiration.
+
+"She ought to be proud, sir, of your _conjunction_, I'm sure. A poet
+like you, sir!--what beautiful rhymes them wor you did on the 'lection."
+
+"A trifle, ma'am--a mere trifle--a little occasional thing."
+
+"Oh! but them two beautiful lines--
+
+    "We tread the land that bore us
+    Our green flag glitters o'er us!"
+
+"_They_ are only a quotation, ma'am," said Reddy.
+
+"Oh, like every man of true genius, sir, you try and undervalue your
+own work; but call them lines what you like, to my taste they are the
+most beautiful lines in the thing you done."
+
+Reddy did not know what to answer, and his confusion was increased by
+catching old Growling's eye, who was chuckling at the _mal-a-propos_
+speech of the flourishing Mrs. Riley.
+
+"Don't you sing yourself, sir?" said that lady.
+
+"To be sure he does," cried the Widow Flanagan; "and he must give us
+one of his own."
+
+"Oh!"
+
+"No excuses; now, James!"
+
+"Where's Duggan?" inquired the poetaster, affectedly; "I told him to be
+here to accompany me."
+
+"I attend your muse, sir," said a miserable structure of skin and bone,
+advancing with a low bow and obsequious smile: this was the poor
+music-master, who set Reddy's rhymes to music as bad, and danced
+attendance on him everywhere.
+
+The music-master fumbled over a hackneyed prelude to show his command
+of the instrument.
+
+Miss Riley whispered to her mamma that it was out of one of her first
+books of lessons.
+
+Mrs. Flanagan, with a seductive smirk, asked, "what he was going to
+give them?" The poet replied, "a little thing of his own--'Rosalie; or,
+the Broken Heart,'--sentimental, but rather sad."
+
+The musical skeleton rattled his bones against the ivory in a very one,
+two, three, four symphony; the poet ran his fingers through his hair,
+pulled up his collar, gave his head a jaunty nod, and commenced:
+
+    ROSALIE;
+
+    OR, THE BROKEN HEART.
+
+    Fare thee--fare thee well--alas!
+      Fare--farewell to thee!
+    On pleasure's wings, as dew-drops fade,
+      Or honey stings the bee,
+    My heart is as sad as a black stone
+      Under the blue sea.
+                      Oh, Rosalie! Oh, Rosalie!
+
+    As ruder rocks with envy glow,
+      Thy _coral_ lips to see,
+    So the weeping waves more briny grow
+      With my salt tears for thee!
+    My heart is as sad as a black stone
+      Under the blue sea.
+                      Oh, Rosalie! Oh, Rosalie!
+
+After this brilliant specimen of the mysteriously-sentimental and
+imaginative school was sufficiently applauded, dancing was recommenced,
+and Reddy seated himself beside Mrs. Riley, the incense of whose praise
+was sweet in his nostrils. "Oh, you _have_ a soul for poetry indeed,
+sir," said the lady. "I was bewildered with all your beautiful _idays_;
+that 'honey stings the bee' is a beautiful _iday_--so expressive of the
+pains and pleasures of love. Ah! I was the most romantic creature myself
+once, Mister Reddy, though you wouldn't think it now; but the cares of
+the world and a family takes the shine out of us. I remember when the
+men used to be making hats in my father's establishment--for my father
+was the most extensive hatter in Dublin--I don't know if you knew my
+father was a hatter; but you know, sir, manufactures must be followed,
+and that's no reason why people shouldn't enjoy po'thry and refinement.
+Well, I was going to tell you how romantic I was, and when the men were
+making the hats--I don't know whether you ever saw them making hats----"
+
+Reddy declared he never did.
+
+"Well, it's like the witches round the iron pot in _Macbeth_; did
+you ever see Kemble in _Macbeth_? Oh! he'd make your blood freeze,
+though the pit is so hot you wouldn't have a dhry rag on you. But to
+come to the hats. When they're making them, they have hardly any crown
+to them at all, and they are all with great sprawling wide flaps to
+them; well, the moment I clapt my eyes on one of them, I thought of a
+Spanish nobleman directly, with his slouched hat and black feathers
+like a hearse. Yes, I assure you, the broad hat always brought to my
+mind a Spanish noble or an Italian noble (that would do as well, you
+know), or a robber or a murderer, which is all the same thing."
+
+Reddy could not conceive a hat manufactory as a favourable nursery for
+romance; but as the lady praised his song, he listened complacently to
+her hatting.
+
+"And that's another beautiful iday, sir," continued the lady, "where
+you make the rocks jealous of each other--that's so beautiful to bring
+in a bit of nature into a metaphysic that way."
+
+"You flatter me, ma'am," said Reddy; "but if I might speak of my own
+work--that is, if a man may _ever_ speak of his own work----"
+
+"And why not, sir?" asked Mrs. Riley, with a business-like air; "who
+has so good a right to speak of the work as the man who _done_ it,
+and knows what's in it?"
+
+"That's a very sensible remark of yours, ma'am, and I will therefore
+take leave to say, that the idea _I_ am proudest of, is the _dark_ and
+_heavy_ grief of the heart being compared to a _black_ stone, and its
+_depth_ of misery implied by the _sea_."
+
+"Thrue for you," said Mrs. Riley; "and the _blue_ sea--ah! that didn't
+escape me; that's an elegant touch--the black stone and the blue sea;
+and black and blue, such a beautiful conthrast!"
+
+"I own," said Reddy, "I attempted, in that, the bold and daring style of
+expression which Byron has introduced."
+
+"Oh, he's a fine _pote_ certainly, but he's not moral, sir; and I'm
+afeard to let my daughter read such combustibles."
+
+"But he's grand," said Reddy; "for instance--
+
+    'She walks in beauty like the night.'
+
+How fine!"
+
+"But how wicked!" said Mrs. Riley. "I don't like that night-walking
+style of poetry at all, so say no more about it; we'll talk of something
+else. You admire music, I'm sure."
+
+"I adore it, ma'am."
+
+"Do you like the piano?"
+
+"Oh, ma'am! I could live under a piano."
+
+"My daughter plays the piano beautiful."
+
+"Charmingly."
+
+"Oh, but if you heerd her play the harp, you'd think she wouldn't lave
+a sthring on it" (this was Mrs. Riley's favourite bit of praise); "and
+a beautiful harp it is, one of Egan's double action, all over goold,
+and cost eighty guineas; Miss Cheese chuse it for her. Do you know Miss
+Cheese? she's as plump as a partridge, with a voice like a lark; she
+sings elegant duets. Do you ever sing duets?"
+
+"Not often."
+
+"Ah! if you could hear Pether Dowling sing duets with my daughter! he'd
+make the hair stand straight on your head with the delight. Oh, he's a
+powerful singer! you never heerd the like; he runs up and down as fast
+as a lamplighter;--and the beautiful turns he gives; oh! I never heerd
+any one sing a second like Pether. I declare he sings a _second_ to that
+degree _that you'd think it was the first_, and never at a loss for a
+shake; and then off he goes in a run that you'd think he'd never come
+back; but he _does_ bring it back into the tune again with as nate a fit
+as a Limerick glove. Oh! I never heerd a singer like Pether!!!"
+
+There is no knowing how much more Mrs. Riley would have said about
+"Pether," if the end of the dance had not cut her eloquence short by
+permitting the groups of dancers, as they promenaded, to throw in their
+desultory discourse right and left, and so break up anything like a
+consecutive conversation.
+
+But let it not be supposed that all Mrs. Flanagan's guests were of the
+Gubbins and Riley stamp. There were some of the better class of the
+country people present; intelligence and courtesy in the one sex, and
+gentleness and natural grace in the other, making a society not to be
+ridiculed in the mass, though individual instances of folly and
+ignorance and purse-proud effrontery were amongst it.
+
+But to Growling every phase of society afforded gratification; and
+while no one had a keener relish for such scenes as the one in which we
+have just witnessed him, the learned and the courteous could be met
+with equal weapons by the doctor when he liked.
+
+Quitting the dancing-room, he went into the little drawing-room, where
+a party of a very different stamp was engaged in conversation. Edward
+O'Connor and the "dear English captain," as Mrs. Flanagan called him,
+were deep in an interesting discussion about the relative practices in
+Ireland and England on the occasions of elections and trials, and most
+other public events; and O'Connor and two or three listeners--amongst
+whom was a Mr. Monk, whose daughters, remarkably nice girls, were of
+the party--were delighted with the feeling tone in which the Englishman
+spoke of the poorer classes of Irish, and how often the excesses into
+which they sometimes fell were viewed through an exaggerated or
+distorted medium, and what was frequently mere exuberance of spirit
+pronounced and punished as riot.
+
+"I never saw a people over whom those in authority require more good
+temper," remarked the captain.
+
+"Gentleness goes a long way with them," said Edward.
+
+"And violence never succeeds," added Mr. Monk.
+
+"You are of opinion, then," said the soldier, "they are not to be
+forced?"
+
+"Except to do what they like," chimed in Growling.
+
+"That's a very _Irish_ sort of coercion," said the captain,
+smiling.
+
+"And therefore fit for Irishmen," said Growling; "and I never knew an
+intelligent Englishman yet, who came to Ireland, who did not find it
+out. Paddy has a touch of the pig in him--he won't be _driven_; but
+you may _coax_ him a long way: or if you appeal to his reason--for he
+happens to _have_ such a thing about him--you may persuade him into what
+is right if you take the trouble."
+
+"By Jove!" said the captain, "it is not easy to argue with Paddy; the
+rascals are so ready with quip, and equivoque, and queer answers, that
+they generally get the best of it in talk, however fallacious may be
+their argument; and when you think you have Pat in a corner and escape
+is inevitable, he's off without your knowing how he slipped through
+your fingers."
+
+When the doctor joined the conversation, Edward, knowing his powers,
+gave up the captain into his hands and sat down by the side of Miss
+Monk, who had just entered from the dancing-room, and retired to a
+chair in the corner.
+
+She and Edward soon got engaged in a conversation particularly
+interesting to him. She spoke of having lately met Fanny Dawson, and
+was praising her in such terms of affectionate admiration, that Edward
+hung upon every word with delight. I know not if Miss Monk was aware of
+Edward's devotion in that quarter before, but she could not look upon
+the bland though somewhat sad smile which arched his expressive mouth,
+and the dilated eye which beamed as her praises were uttered, without
+being then conscious that Fanny Dawson had made him captive.
+
+She was pleased, and continued the conversation with that inherent
+pleasure a woman has in touching a man's heart, even though it be not on
+her own account; and it was done with tact and delicacy which only women
+possess, and which is so refined that the rougher nature of man is
+insensible of its drift and influence, and he is betrayed by a net whose
+meshes are too fine for his perception. Edward O'Connor never dreamt
+that Miss Monk saw he was in love with the subject of their discourse.
+While they were talking, the merry hostess entered; and the last words
+the captain uttered fell upon her ear, and then followed a reply from
+Growling, saying that Irishmen were as hard to catch as quicksilver.
+"Ay, and as hard to keep as any other silver," said the widow; "don't
+believe what these wild Irish fellows tell you of themselves, they are
+all mad divils alike--you steady Englishmen are the safe men--and the
+girls know it. And 'faith, if you try them," added she, laughing, "I
+don't know any one more likely to have luck with them than yourself;
+for, 'pon my conscience, captain, we all doat on you since you would not
+shoot the people the other day."
+
+There was a titter among the girls at this open avowal.
+
+"Ah, why wouldn't I say it?" exclaimed she, laughing. "I am not a
+mealy-mouthed miss; sure _I_ may tell truth; and I wouldn't trust
+one o' ye," she added, with a very significant nod of the head at the
+gentlemen, "except the captain. Yes--I'd trust one more--I'd trust
+Mister O'Connor; I think he really could be true to a woman."
+
+The words fell sweetly upon his ear; the expression of trust in his
+faith at that moment, even from the laughing widow, was pleasing; for
+his heart was full of the woman he adored, and it was only by long
+waiting and untiring fidelity she could ever become his.
+
+He bowed courteously to the compliment the hostess paid him; and she,
+immediately taking advantage of his acknowledgment, said that after
+having paid him such a pretty compliment he couldn't refuse her to sing
+a song. Edward never liked to sing in mixed companies, and was about
+making some objections, when the widow interrupted him with one of those
+Irish "Ah, now's," so hard to resist. "Besides, all the noisy pack are
+in the dancing-room, or indeed I wouldn't ask you; and here there's not
+one won't be charmed with you. Ah, look at Miss Monk, there--I know
+she's dying to hear you; and see all the ladies _hanging on your lips_
+absolutely. Can you refuse me after _that_, now?"
+
+It was true that in the small room where they sat there were only those
+who were worthy of better things than Edward would have ventured on to
+the many; and filled with the tender and passionate sentiment his
+conversation with Miss Monk had awakened, one of those effusions of
+deep, and earnest, and poetic feeling which love had prompted to his
+muse rose to his lips, and he began to sing.
+
+All were silent, for the poet singer was a favourite, and all knew with
+what touching expression he gave his compositions; but now the mellow
+tones of his voice seemed to vibrate with a feeling in more than common
+unison with the words, and his dark earnest eyes beamed with a devotion
+of which she who was the object might be proud.
+
+    A LEAF THAT REMINDS OF THEE
+
+    I
+
+    How sweet is the hour we give,
+      When fancy may wander free,
+    To the friends who in memory live!--
+      For then I remember thee!
+    Then wing'd, like the dove from the ark,
+      My heart, o'er a stormy sea,
+    Brings back to my lonely bark
+      A leaf that reminds of thee!
+
+    II
+
+    But still does the sky look dark,
+      The waters still deep and wide;
+    Oh! when may my lonely bark
+      In peace on the shore abide?
+    But through the future far,
+      Dark though my course may be,
+    _Thou_ art my guiding star!
+      My heart still turns to thee.
+
+    III
+
+    When I see thy friends I smile,
+      I sigh when I hear thy name;
+    But they cannot tell the while
+      Whence the smile or the sadness came;
+    Vainly the world may deem
+      The cause of my sighs they know:
+    The breeze that stirs the stream
+      Knows not the depth below.
+
+Before the first verse of the song was over, the entrance to the room
+was filled with eager listeners, and, at its conclusion, a large
+proportion of the company from the dancing-room had crowded round the
+door, attracted by the rich voice of the singer, and fascinated into
+silence by the charm of his song. Perhaps after mental qualities, the
+most valuable gift a man can have is a fine voice; it at once commands
+attention, and may therefore be ranked in a man's possession as highly
+as beauty in a woman's.
+
+In speaking thus of voice, I do not allude to the power of singing, but
+the mere physical quality of a fine voice, which in the bare utterance
+of the simplest words is pleasing, but, becoming the medium for the
+interchange of higher thoughts, is irresistible. Superadded to this
+gift, which Edward possessed, the song he sang had meaning in it which
+could reach the hearts of all his auditory, though its poetry might be
+appreciated by but few; its imagery grew upon a stem whose root was in
+every bosom, and the song that possesses this quality, whatever may be
+its defects, contains not only the elements of future fame, but of
+immediate popularity. Startling was the contrast between the silence the
+song had produced and the simultaneous clapping of hands outside the
+door when it was over; not the poor plaudit of a fashionable assembly,
+whose "bravo" is an attenuated note of admiration, struggling into a
+sickly existence and expiring in a sigh--applause of so suspicious a
+character, that no one seems desirous of owning it--a feeble forgery of
+satisfaction which people think it disgraceful to be caught uttering.
+The clapping was not the plaudits of high-bred hands, whose sound is
+like the fluttering of small wings, just enough to stir gossamer--but
+not the heart. No; such was not the applause which followed Edward's
+song; he had the outburst of heart-warm and unsophisticated satisfaction
+unfettered by chilling convention. Most of his hearers did not know that
+it was disgraceful to admit being too well pleased, and the poor
+innocents really opened their mouths and clapped their hands. Oh, fie!
+tell it not in Grosvenor-square.
+
+And now James Reddy contrived to be asked to sing; the coxcomb, not
+content with his luck in being listened to before, panted for such
+another burst of applause as greeted Edward, whose song he had no notion
+was any better than his own; the puppy fancied his rubbish of the "black
+stone under the blue sea" partook of a grander character of composition,
+and that while Edward's "breeze" but "stirred the stream," he had
+fathomed the ocean. But a "heavy blow and great discouragement" was in
+store for Master James, for as he commenced a love ditty which he called
+by the fascinating title of "The Rose of Silence," and verily believed
+would have enraptured every woman in the room, a powerful voice, richly
+flavoured with the brogue, shouted forth outside the door, "_Ma'am, if
+you plaze, supper's sarved_." The effect was magical; a rush was made to
+supper by the crowd in the doorway, and every gentleman in the little
+drawing-room offered his arm to a lady, and led her off without the
+smallest regard to Reddy's singing.
+
+His look was worth anything as he saw himself thus unceremoniously
+deserted and likely soon to be left in sole possession of the room; the
+old doctor was enchanted with his vexation; and when James ceased to
+sing, as the last couple were going, the doctor interposed his request
+that the song should be finished.
+
+"Don't stop, my dear fellow," said the doctor; "that's the best song I
+have heard for a long time, and you must indulge me by finishing
+it--that's a gem."
+
+"Why, you see, doctor, they have all gone to supper."
+
+"Yes, and the devil choke them with it," said Growling, "for their want
+of taste; but never mind that: one judicious listener is worth a crowd
+of such fools, you'll admit; so sit down again and sing for me."
+
+The doctor seated himself as he spoke, and there he kept Reddy, who he
+knew was very fond of a good supper, singing away for the bare life,
+with only one person for audience, and that one humbugging him. The
+scene was rich; the gravity with which the doctor carried on the quiz
+was admirable, and the gullibility of the coxcomb who was held captive
+by his affected admiration exquisitely absurd and almost past belief;
+even Growling himself was amazed, as he threw in a rapturous "charming"
+or "bravissimo," at the egregious folly of his dupe, who still continued
+singing, while the laughter of the supper-room and the inviting clatter
+of its knives and forks were ringing in his ear. When Reddy concluded,
+the doctor asked might he venture to request the last verse again;
+"for," continued he, "there is a singular beauty of thought and felicity
+of expression in its numbers, leaving the mind unsatisfied with but one
+hearing; once more, if you please."
+
+Poor Reddy repeated the last verse.
+
+"Very charming, indeed!" said the doctor.
+
+"You really like it?" said Reddy.
+
+"Like?" said the doctor--"sir, _like_ is a faint expression of what I
+think of that song. Moore had better look to his laurels, sir!"
+
+"Oh, doctor!"
+
+"Ah, you know yourself," said Growling.
+
+"Then that last, doctor----?" said Reddy, inquiringly.
+
+"Is your most successful achievement, sir; there is a mysterious
+shadowing forth of something in it which is very fine."
+
+"You like it better than the 'Black Stone'?"
+
+"Pooh! sir; the 'Black Stone,' if I may be allowed an image, is but
+ordinary paving, while that 'Rose of Silence' of yours might strew the
+path to Parnassus."
+
+"And is it not strange, doctor," said Reddy, in a reproachful tone,
+"that _them_ people should be insensible to that song, and leave the
+room while I was singing it?"
+
+"Too good for them, sir--above their comprehension."
+
+"Besides, so rude!" said Reddy.
+
+"Oh, my dear friend," said the doctor, "when you know more of the world,
+you'll find out that an appeal from the lower house to the upper," and
+he changed his hand from the region of his waistcoat to his head as he
+spoke, "is most influential."
+
+"True, doctor," said Reddy, with a smile; "and suppose _we_ go to
+supper now."
+
+"Wait a moment," said Growling, holding his button. "Did you ever try
+your hand at an epic?"
+
+"No, I can't say that I did."
+
+"I wish you would."
+
+"You flatter me, doctor; but don't you think we had better go to
+supper?"
+
+"Ha!" said the doctor, "your own House of Commons is sending up an
+appeal--eh?"
+
+"Decidedly, doctor."
+
+"Then you see, my dear friend, you can't wonder at those poor inferior
+beings hurrying off to indulge their gross appetites, when a man of
+genius like you is not insensible to the same call. Never wonder again
+at people leaving your song for supper, Master James," said the doctor,
+resting his arm on Reddy, and sauntering from the room. "Never wonder
+again at the triumph of supper over song, for the Swan of Avon himself
+would have no chance against roast ducks."
+
+Reddy smacked his lips at the word ducks, and the savoury odour of the
+supper-room which they approached heightened his anticipation of an
+onslaught on one of the aforesaid tempting birds; but, ah! when he
+entered the room, skeletons of ducks there were, but nothing more; the
+work of demolition had been in able hands, and the doctor's lachrymose
+exclamation of "the devil a duck!" found a hollow echo under Reddy's
+waistcoat. Round the room that deluded minstrel went, seeking what he
+might devour, but his voyage of discovery for any hot fowl was
+profitless; and Growling, in silent delight, witnessed his
+disappointment.
+
+"Come, sir," said the doctor, "there's plenty of punch left, however;
+I'll take a glass with you, and drink success to your next song, for
+the last is all I could wish;" and so indeed it was, for it enabled him
+to laugh at the poetaster, and cheat him out of his supper.
+
+"Ho, ho!" said Murtough Murphy, who approached the door; "you have
+found out the punch is good, eh? 'Faith it is that same, and I'll take
+another glass of it with you before I go, for the night is cold."
+
+"Are you going so soon?" asked Growling, as he clinked his glass
+against the attorney's.
+
+"Whisht!" said Murphy, "not a word,--I'm slipping away after
+Dick the Divil; we have a trifle of work in hand quite in his line,
+and it is time to set about it. Good bye, you'll hear more of it
+to-morrow--snug's the word."
+
+Murphy stole away, for the open departure of so merry a blade would not
+have been permitted, and in the hall he found Dick mounting a large
+top-coat and muffling up.
+
+"Good people are scarce, you think, Dick," said Murphy.
+
+"I'd recommend you to follow the example, for the night is bitter cold,
+I can tell you."
+
+"And as dark as a coal-hole," said Murphy, as he opened the door and
+looked out.
+
+"No matter, I have got a dark lantern," said Dick, "which we can use
+when required; make haste, the gig is round the corner, and the little
+black mare will roll us over in no time."
+
+They left the house quietly, as he spoke, and started on a bit of
+mischief which demands a separate chapter.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Handy Andy, Volume One, by Samuel Lover
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