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diff --git a/21820-8.txt b/21820-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..94c48ee --- /dev/null +++ b/21820-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4320 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Oh! Susannah!, by Mark Ambient + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Oh! Susannah! + A Farcical Comedy in Three Acts + +Author: Mark Ambient + +Release Date: June 12, 2007 [EBook #21820] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OH! SUSANNAH! *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +OH! SUSANNAH! + +By Mark Ambient + + +Produced at the Eden Theatre, Brighton, on September 6th, 1897, +afterwards played at the Royalty Theatre, London. + + +Scene:-Doctor's Consulting Room, 13 Marmalade St., Pimlico. + +Time:-Lady Day, 4 p. m. to 6 p. m. The action is continuous +throughout the 3 Acts. + +Time of representation. + +Act I. 53 minutes. + +Act II. 32 minutes. (One hour and three quarters.) + +Act III. 20 minutes. + + +PROPERTIES. + +On bureau. Whiskey decanter, water, glasses. + +Below bureau. Pail with water and house flannel. + +In med. chest. Small bottles of coloured water, medicine-glass +and roll of lint. + +On steps Feather brush. + +On ped. cupboard. Case of surgical knives. + +On doctor's table. Microscope, test tubes, phials, double +stethoscope, eye-glass, stationery cabinet with note-paper, pen, +pencil, calendar, Bradshaw, blotter, scribbling block, hand bell, +ash-tray with cigarette ends and matches. + +In mirror. Invitation cards (Sir Peter-Mrs. O'Hara). + +On sofa. Cushions. + +Off stage. Front door bell. + + +HAND PROPERTIES. + +Doctor. Act 1. Gladstone bag packed with books, papers and one +collar. Photo of Flo in pocket. + +Act 2. Aunt's letter, also Flo's photo and coppers. + +Andrew. Act 3. Pipe and baccy. + +Waverly. Act 1. Detective camera in form of turnip watch. + +Act 2. Walking stick (for Pearl's Bus.) + +Plant. Act 1. Pocket hair brush-mirror at back. + +Act 3. Small black bag-deed inside. + +Tupper. Act 1. Crumpled telegram in pocket. Landlady's account +book. + +Flo. Act 2. Two bags and two parcels. + +Act 3. Bundle of aunt's clothes (wet). + +Ruby. Act 1. Andrew's letter. + +Act 2. Visiting card. + +Pearl. Act 2. Sporting Times. + +Act 3. Pearl necklace in case. + +Aurora. Act 1. Six letters in blue envelopes, pair of paste hair +combs (in pocket), duster, tea-things, grotesquely big brown +earthenware tea-pot, milk, sugar, cups and saucers, stale +quartern loaf, knife and butter. + +Act 2. Lady's letter-thick paper, gold crest. + +Act 3. Telegram. + + +CUSTOMS. + +Doctor. Act 1. Frock coat and high hat. + +Act 2. Changes to pyjamas and Turkish dressing-gown. + +Andrew. Act 1. Blue serge yachting suit and cap. + +Act. 2. As aunt, in picture. + +Waverly. Very smart. + +Plant. White hat, loud waistcoat, outré. + +Tupper. In buttons. + +Aunt. Quiet, old-fashioned, almost Quakerish. + +Flo. Modern tailor-made costume and smart hat. + +Ruby & Pearl. Dressed alike, in sailor hats and serge costumes, +with sailor collars. + +Mrs. O'Hara. Eccentric Irish landlady. + +Aurora. Slatternly slavey frock, soiled white apron, cap awry, +large slippers tied on with string. (During Act 3: changes to +grotesque colored dress: orange blossoms in hair.) + + +Scene plot. + +The scene is a Doctor's consulting room on the ground floor of a +lodging-house in Pimlico. + +(1) Door R. at back to bathroom (not opened till middle of Act II, +showing about half of bath, taps, etc). + +(2) L. at back, to passage, showing hat stand. + +(3) Down R. + +(4) Window C, commanding view of similar houses across street. + + +FURNITURE. + +(B) Bureau with practicable drawers. + +(M) Medicine chest (hung between door r. and window). + +(C) Operating couch in front of window. + +(L) Step ladder, between couch and window at rise of curtain. + +(P) Pedestal cupboard. + +(H) Hatstand. + +(A) Picture of Aunt, over door L. + +(5) Sofa for three-half facing Are. + +(T) Doctor's table, (t) Tea table. + +(R) Revolving chair behind Doctor's table. + +(G) Grandfather's chair at fireplace. + +(C) Ordinary chairs. + +Mirror and clock over fire, fender and fire-irons. Poker used. + + + + +OH! SUSANNAH! + + + +ACT I. + +_Scene. The Doctor's consulting room. Ground floor, 13 Marmalade +Street, Pimlico. (See Scene Plot.)_ + +_(Aurora. the slavey, discovered laying out Doctor's letters +lovingly on his writing table; she kisses each one as she lays it +down--all are in blue envelopes.)_ + +Aurora. They're all for 'im--the dear doctor. Won't 'e be pleased +when 'e comes back and finds all this little lot! 'E went off +quite sudden two days ago. Gone to see a patient, I expect, none +ever comes 'ere, so 'e must go to them, _(crosses L., looks in +mirror)_ Oh, why was I born so rudely 'ealthy? _(on sofa)_ I +would like to be 'is patient. I'd a-bear anythin' with the dear +doctor to see to me, 'e's got sich a sorft 'and. _(jumps off sofa +and stands C. looking at aunt's picture, curtseys)_ I wonder if +she's 'is fancy? 'Er with the diamond combs. You ain't the +only one, my lady, with diamond combs! I'll struggle with yer. +_(produces combs from her pocket)_ Tenpence a pair--in the +Strand, _(going to put them on, stops)_ No, I'll wait till 'e +comes 'ome. They're all for 'im, the dear doctor--all for 'im! +_(end of sofa)_ + +_(Enter Tupper, a fat little page.)_ + +Tupper. I say, Aurora. the missus is a'goin' to do the thing in +style this afternoon, two fiddler blokes--an' a planner an' a +programme o' the dances pinned up over the mantelpiece over 'ead. +_(picks up cigarette end off ash tray and smokes it)_ + +Aurora _(down C.)_ Lor, you don't say! An' printed invitations +an' all. _(takes card from mirror)_ 'Ark at this! "Mrs. O'Hara +requests the honor of Doctor Sheppard'ss company--" + +Tupper. 'E won't come back for that. I wish 'e would. + +Aurora. Why not, Tupper? Where's 'e gone? _(comes C.)_ + +Tupper. Gie us a kiss, an' I'll tell yer. + +Aurora. _(moving away)_ A kiss! There's bloomin' cheek! I never +did! + +Tupper. _(coming to her)_ Oh yes, you did--only larst Friday, an' +it's Friday agin, an' what's more, it's _Lady_ Day. + +Aurora. _(innocently)_ Is it, Tupper? Well, as it's _Lady Day_. +_(puts her cheek up, aside)_ It's all for 'im! _(kiss Bus.)_ Now +tell me. + +Tupper. 'E's gorn to get married, _(goes down r. puffing +cigarette hard)_ + +Aurora. _(with concern)_ No, Tupper, don't say that! _(changes +her tone)_ I mean, 'ow do you know? + +Tupper. _(turning round)_ Gie us another, an' I'll tell yer! + +Aurora. Go hon! + +Tupper. I will when I got summat to go hon with. _(comes to her)_ + +Aurora. _(impatiently)_ Oh, there, then! _(kissed him--aside)_ +They're all for 'im! + +Tupper. Well, as you know, _(gets on table)_ Aurora. the doctor's +a wonderful gentle gentleman, as gentle as--well, there 'e is +gentle! + +Aurora. _(more impatiently)_ I know that. I give you them kisses +to tell me summat I don't know. + +Tupper. Well, I'm goin' to. When 'e was packing to go away, 'e +was that excited 'e couldn't 'ardly strap the bag. + +Aurora. Well, what o' that? A gentleman can get excited without +gettin' married, yer silly kid! _(goes to steps)_ + +Tupper. Ah, but 'e put on a new frock coat, an' a bran noo pair +o' trarsers---- + +Aurora. The dear doctor! I'll bet 'e looked a toff! _(start on +steps)_ + +Tupper. An' then 'e 'ad a brandy and soda--wot for? _(up to +couch)_ + +Aurora. 'Cos 'e was thirsty, o' course, yer silly kite. + +Tupper. Thirsty! It was to bring 'im up to the scratch! + +Aurora. _(aside)_ The scratch! My 'eart! My 'eart! _(top of +ladder)_ + +Tupper. I bet my buttons 'e's enj'ying 'is 'oneymoon in 'is noo +clothes, an' forgotten all abart me an' mine. _(up stage R.)_ + +Aurora. _(curiously)_ _Your_ noo clothes? + +Tupper. Yes, I was loored into these under false pretences. When +Mrs. O'Hara engaged me, she says she'd let orf 'er ground floor +to a very risin' doctor. + +Aurora. So 'e is! The day _will_ come, 'e'll be the most +risin'--_(gesticulates with feather-duster, on steps, nearly +falls)_ + +Tupper. Do you want to 'ear abart my trarsers, or do you not? +_(sits on couch)_ + +Aurora. Yes, Tupper, o' course I do--get 'em orf yer chest. + +Tupper. Well, Mrs. O'Hara, _she_ sez, 'e'll find yer in clothes, +she sez, an' think of all the gratooities---- + +Aurora. Great--who? + +Tupper. Gratooities from grateful patients--shillins an' +'arf-crowns, she sez. Well, we been at it three months to-day-- + +Aurora. _(sadly)_ An' not a blessed patient 'as called yet. +_(comes down)_ + +Tupper. No, but the _tailor's_ called, lots o' times, an' larst +time 'e was very cross--said 'e'd 'ave these clothes orf me if +they wasn't paid for Lady Day. _(crosses to R. of table)_ + +Aurora. Oh! the person! Never mind; the day will come. + +Tupper. The day 'as come! _(takes up pile of letters)_ + +Aurora. Well, never mind, look at all these--all from lady +patients, _(sits in Doctor's chair, puts on his eye-glasses)_ + +Tupper. _(laughing)_ Lady patients! Why, they're bills. That's +the butcher, _(puts it down)_ An' that's the chemist. + +Aurora. Oh! 'e can read! + +Tupper. _(puts it down)_ I know 'em all! _(reads)_ "Cummerbund +and Co., Tailors." Oh lor! That's me! _(drops the pack suddenly)_ +I call it downright selfish of the doctor to go away and never +think of me. _(produces crumpled telegram from pocket)_ Oh, I +forgot, this is for you! _(hands it to her)_ + +Aurora. Silly kid! + +Tupper. Who's it from? Your young man? _(reads wire over Aurora's +shoulder)_ + +Aurora. _(opening it)_ 'Arf a mo'! It's from the dear Doctor. +_(aside)_ I'd know 'is 'and writing anywheres, it's sich a sorft +'and. _(reads word for word)_ "Expect -- me -- back -- at -- half +-- past -- four -- and --: please -- have -- my -- tea -- ready." + +Tupper. _(counts words on his fingers--sadly)_ There's +extravagance. Blues a tenpence on a telegram, an' my clothes +owin' for. + +Aurora _(aside)_ 'Ave 'is tea ready! That I will! As if I +wouldn't 'ave it ready whenever 'e comes, bless 'im! _(stuffs +telegram in bosom, then fusses about room, putting things +straight, starts scouring bureau)_ + +Tupper. _(watching her)_ I believe you're in love with the "Dear +Doctor." _(picks another fag end off ash-tray and lies on couch +smoking it)_ + +Aubora. Oh, go smoke! Little boys should be seen and not heard! + +Tupper. Well, any'ow yer always tidyin' up 'is things an' +neglectin' the missus, an' yer only 'arf 'is, yer know. + +_(Front door bell rings.)_ + +Aurora. _(snatches ladder quickly and goes to the door, saying to +herself)_ 'Arf 'is, indeed! No! It's all for 'im--all for 'im! + +_(Exit Aurora. L. U. E.)_ + +Tupper. _(laughs)_ That's _sure_ to be for the missus. She 'as +lots o' callers. She's a widder. If I was a woman, I'd be a +widder. _(jumps off couch)_ Oh lor, if it's the tailor, _(crosses +to fire, stands back to it, legs apart)_ I wouldn't mind so much, +only I sold my old clothes to 'ave a bit on a dead cert, wot +didn't come orf--dead certs never do--I wish my clothes was a +dead cert. + +_(Enter Aurora. followed by Pearl. then Ruby. then Plant. in +single file. Tupper works behind arm-chair and gets up stage and +puts out cigarette)_ + +Aurora. _(aside)_ Our fust! _(fussily shaking sofa cushions, +standing behind sofa)_ Take your seats, please! _(motions girls +to sit)_ + +_(Ruby sits r. of Pearl.)_ + +Make yourselves quite at home--and don't be frightened. + +_(Girls turn round and stare at her.)_ + +'E'll treat yer kindly--'e's got sich a sorft 'and! _(soothingly +to Ruby)_ Would yer like a cup o' tea, miss, to buck yer up? +Ruby. No, thank you. + +Aurora. _(to Ruby)_ Oh, the doctor allus gives 'is ladies tea. + +_(Tupper, sitting on couch, bursts out laughing and shoves his +handkerchief in his mouth.)_ + +Pearl. No, thank you. + +Plant. _(looking round)_ Is the doctor out? + +Aubora. _(bustling about dusting)_ Yes, sir. + +_(Girls rise.)_ + +--But 'e'll be back at 'arf past, if the ladies'll kindly wait. + +_(Girls sit.)_ + +'E's been called orf to see a lady who couldn't wait. + +_(Tupper same Bus.--Aurora goes to him.)_ + +Plant. _(coughs.)_ Ahem! That will do. _(aside)_ Fancy setting up +for a ladies' doctor in Pimlico! How can he earn bread and butter +in Marmalade Street. No. 13, too! + +Aurora. _(to Tupper)_ 'Old yer row! They're lady patients. 'Appy +girls! I wonder what they've got? + +Tupper. Nuffiin'. They're a bit off _all_ right! _(laughs)_ + +Aurora. _(sadly)_ Are they, Tupper? Then why do they come 'ere? + +Plant. _(aside)_ What has _he_ done to deserve a rich aunt who +has instructed me to draw up a deed settling a thousand a year on +him? It's disgusting! _(sits, head on hand)_ + +Tupper. _(sees Plant. head on hand--aside to Aurora)_ Oh, +p'raps it's 'im! _(comes to him)_ Anythin' wrong with yer 'ead? +_(touches his hair)_ + +_(Girls laugh--Plant looks dumbfounded.)_ + +Aurora. The doctor's wonderful clever for 'eads. _(same Bus.)_ + +Plant. Don't do that! + +Tupper. Yus, 'e cured mine in a jiffy. I rekkemmend 'im to all +_my_ friends. + +Plant. Ah, then I presume Doctor Sheppard has a large practice. + +Aurora. _(cheerily)_ Oh yes, sir, 'e's allus practisin'--'e +practised all larst week on the milkman's baby. It 'ad the +direfearier, sir, in its throat, and the doctor was afraid the +cows'd catch it and spile the milk. 'E stopped up all night for a +week nussin' that baby. _(goes on scouring bureau)_ + +Tupper. Oh, he's a wonderful gentle gentleman, is the doctor. + +Plant. _(aside)_ A "Gentle Sheppard?" Just what his rich aunt +hopes to find him. I must get a word with Ruby. + +Ruby. _(to Tupper)_ Ah, you hear what his grateful patients think +of him. + +Tupper. _(comes down)_ Grateful patients? _(shakes head sadly)_ +No, miss, not yet. + +Plant. You carry the medicine round, don't you? + +Tupper. No, sir, not yet. + +Pearl. But you're the doctor's boy, aren't you? + +Tupper. No, miss, not yet--only 'arf of me, the other 'arf +belongs upstairs. You see, the doctor ends orf where the +stair-carpets begin; 'e shares me with the missus--an' 'e shares +the gal too. + +Plant. _(rises, coughs)_ Ahem! That will do! Is the room always +so full of smoke? + +Aurora. _(coming to him quickly)_ Oh yes, sir, wuss generally, +_(flaps wet flannel in his face)_ The doctor's a wonderful +gentleman for smoke, 'e lies on that couch smokin' all day long, +an' read in' this 'ere book, _(fetches it)_ You look at it. +_(comes down C.)_ + +_(Girls go up to her,)_ + +You can't make 'ead nor tail of it, 'cep' the pictures, an' they +is--well, there! + +Plant. Ahem! That will do! _(takes it from her before his +daughters see it)_ What are the doctor's hours? + +Aurora. I dunno, sir--all hours. Sometimes out all day. Sometimes +don't come home all night---- + +Plant. Ahem! That will do! + +Tupper. Wednesday 'e went out, an' ain't back yet + +Ruby. Two days ago? That lady's case must be serious! _(comes to +back of sofa and sits L. end)_ + +Aurora. It is serious, miss, I tell yer. _(confidentially)_ It's +a case of---- + +Plant.. _(yells in her ear)_ Ahem! _That_ will do! + +Aurora. Sorry I spoke! + +Plant. Very unusual for smoke to hang about for forty-eight +hours. + +Tupper. Oh,that's nothin', sir. 'E's wonderful unusual in 'is +'abits. + +Aurora. 'As a biled egg for 'is dinner orfen. _(to Ruby)_ + +Ruby. _(to Pearl)_ Poor fellow! He must be starving! + +_(Tupper looks admiringly at Ruby. and goes to fire, stands back +to it, legs apart.)_ + +Plant., _(aside)_ "Poor fellow!" He'll be rich enough before +the day's out. It's hard not to tell one's own daughter--but I +mustn't betray a professional confidence. + +Tupper. _(aside)_ Fine gels! _(to Ruby)_ 'E'll be wonderful glad +to see you, Miss. + +Ruby. How do you know? + +Tupper. 'Cos 'e's settin' up as a ladies' Doctor. miss, an' +you're the fust callers we've ever 'ad. _(aside)_ Bar the tailor. + +Ruby. The first? _(to Pearl)_ He _is_ starving! + +Aurora. Oh, 'e'll cure yer, whatever yer got. _(crosses to +Plant)_ He's wonderful clever. 'E'd see through you, sir, weskit +an' all. 'E don't hax no hex rays to tell 'im. _(to Ruby)_ 'E +knows all what's goin' on in yer innards---- + +Plant. Ahem! That will do. Er--no doubt, no doubt. + +Tupper. No bloomin' doubt, sir. _(going to him)_ But I do 'ope +you'll pay afore leavin'--'cos it's Lady Day, an these 'ere +clothes ain't paid for yet--an' if they ain't--they're a-comin' +orf. + +Plant. That'll _do!_ We don't want to hear any fairy tales. + +Tupper. _(sadly)_ There ain't no tails about these 'ere. +_(looking at his jacket)_ It's a norrible fac'! + +Plant. You can go--_(to Tupper)_ both of you. _(to Aurora)_ + +Aurora. _(having fetched pail--to Tupper)_ Come aw'y, you talk +too much. _I'm_ the doctor's local demon when 'e's aw'y. + +_(Exeunt Tupper and Aurora.)_ + +Plant. Nice sort of servants for a doctor to have. _(puts book on +couch)_ + +Pearl. _(to Ruby. who is reading a letter)_ Who's that from? + +Ruby. Lieutenant Merry! + +Pearl. Oh, let me read it! + +_(They read it together.)_ + +Plant. _(aside)_ A thousand a year for an unbusinesslike young +fool, and here am I, her own cousin's husband, and she's never +given me a penny, except what I've borrowed. _(Bus. with pocket +hairbrush, mirror at back)_ I did think my chance had come when +she sent for me to Cumberland. I got the hair-dresser to touch +out all the grey ones, thinking I might fetch the old girl, but +as soon as she saw me she was very rude, called me a fright, and +began asking some damned awkward questions about my late wife's +trust money. Just my luck! _(sits at writing table)_ + +Pearl. _(reading from letter which Ruby holds)_ "And, my darling +Ruby--if your father dies"--there's not much "if" about it. He +does. _(taps her hair)_ I've seen the bottle. + +_(Both giggle.)_ + +Plant. _(aside, looking in pocket mirror)_ So I took the next +train back to Southsea, and romped my daughters up to town. +If Ruby can only hook the doctor before the aunt arrives, I'm +saved--if she can't--I'm--ahem! + +Ruby. _(aside to Pearl)_ And only think, Pearl. when he's an +Admiral, I shall be Lady Merry--perhaps a Duchess! + +Pearl. But, father---- + +Ruby. Oh, he'll be delighted. We're keeping it as a surprise for +his birthday. + +Pearl. He'll be 63 next birthday--he looks more like 36. + +_(Both laugh.)_ + +Plant. _(to them)_ Stop that silly giggling! _(crosses over to +the two, sends Pearl across to table)_ Go and sit over there. +Ruby. my precious jewel, I have something very solemn to say +while we are waiting to see the doctor. + +Ruby. _(jumping up, excitedly)_ Pa, don't say you've brought us +for the doctor to sound us. + +Pearl. _(quietly, sitting still)_ He shan't sound _me!_ + +Plant. On the contrary, I've brought you to sound the _doctor_, +_(pulls Ruby down again and sits r. of her on couch)_ + +Ruby. _(excitedly)_ What about? + +Plant. You are aware that although we are strangers to Doctor +Sheppard, he is our cousin. + +Ruby. Second cousin, pa! + +Pearl. On mother's side. + +Ruby. Three times removed. + +Plant. Well, well, let us hope he won't be so far removed in the +future. I regret very deeply that we have never yet enjoyed the +friendship of--er--_dear_ cousin Jack. + +Pearl. You have frequently remarked, it was not worth while to +cultivate _any_ of our poor relations. + +Plant. _(hotly)_ Do you want your pocket money stopped? The fact +is. Pearl. you're bringing my grey hairs----_(stroking his black +locks)_ + +Pearl. _(quietly)_ Your what? + +Plant. _(jumping up)_ I stop your pocket money for a month! Ooh! +_(puts his hand to his back)_ This lumbago is unbearable. When a +man gets to my time of life---- + +Pearl. _(quietly)_ What time is it now? + +Plant. _(hotly)_ I stop your pocket money for _three_ months! + +Pearl. _(rises)_ Really, father, a solicitor should be more +cautious. I meant to say the time is getting on, _(points to +clock and crosses to couch--stands behind Ruby)_ and you have not +yet informed us of the "very solemn" something you have to say. + +Plant. I accept your explanation--without prejudice. _(stands R. +of couch)_ I say when a man gets to my time of life--the future +happiness of his offspring becomes an all-engrossing theme. You +are aware that when exalted personages contemplate a matrimonial +alliance, they neyer look outside the family. Living as we do, +in so fashionable a resort as Southsea, we cannot be too +--er--"tony" in such important matters. Now you are both--as I +know, being your father--heart-free. + +_(Pearl digs Ruby hard in the ribs.)_ + +Ruby. _(crying out)_ Oh! + +Plant. How dare you interrupt me! + +Ruby. I didn't, pa, it was---- + +Pearl. Sneak! _(pinching her arm)_ Ruby. It was nothing! + +_(Pearl sits in big armchair.)_ + +_(aside to Pearl)_ Little cat! + +Plant. I accept your explanation, without prejudice. You have +heard from that stupid Buttons what a noble character the doctor +bears, and no man is a hero to his--his Buttons. The _one_ thing +the doctor wants is a _wife._ + +Pearl. To look after his buttons? + +Plant. Silence, miss! And you, my dear Ruby, my favourite, I mean +my first-born, have all the qualifications for a doctor's wife. + +Ruby. A doctor's wife? _(looks at Pearl)_ + +Plant. It has always been the dream of my life to see you united +in matrimony to _dear_ Jack. + +Ruby. _Cheap_ Jack! He hasn't a penny! + +Plant. Oh hasn't he?--er--_(aside)_ Nearly let it out that time, +_(to her)_ I mean should he be clever enough to win my Ruby. my +Ruby mine--er--this afternoon, he will be rich beyond the dreams +of avarice. Alas, I have no dowry to give you, save the blessing +of your dear old--your dear fond, _fond_ father, _(kisses her +forehead)_ But only obey me in this, and Lady Fortune will smile +on us all--smile--_smile_. + +Ruby. _(bursts into tears)_ I can't smile--I won't! _(turns to +Pearl)_ + +Pearl. _(comes to meet her--aside to her)_ Of course you +won't--I'll get you out of it. + +Plant. _(angrily)_ Stop that silly crying. He'll be in soon, and +you look a perfect fright with your eyes all red. You've never +obeyed me in your life--either of you--but I've made up my mind +this time, and damme--I'll make you obey me. I swear _that dear +cousin Jack shall be my son-in-law._ _(crosses C.)_ + +Pearl. _(going quietly to him, standing between him and Ruby)_ If +such is your determination, I will sacrifice myself. + +Plant. _(contemptuously)_ You! + +Ruby. _(rushing to Pearl)_ You shan't! + +Pearl. I will--what is it after all? Marriages aren't made in +heaven now-a-days. + +Ruby. No, no, Pearl. you're too good. I'd rather marry him +myself. + +Pearl. You can't--you know you can't--you're engaged. + +Ruby. Sneak! _(pinches her arm)_ + +_(Pearl howls.)_ + +Plant. _(shouts)_ Stop quarrelling! Such rivalry between sisters +is most unseemly. What do I dress you alike for? + +Pearl. To save expense. + +Plant. No, miss, to save _jealousy_, and I'll have no Jealousy +about this. Settle it amicably between you, _(aside, crosses to +R.)_ Good idea! They'll go it faster without me. I'll leave 'em +alone with him. _(aloud)_ Dear, dear, I've forgotten something +I particularly want to show Jack. I'll step over to our +apartments---- + +Ruby. Pa, you can't leave us alone in a bachelor's room! + +Plant. Hang it, you're cousins, and you're two to one. Now, +remember, _one of you two must marry Jack_--that's my last word, +and you know my word, like my profession, is law! + +_(Exit Plant.)_ + +Pearl. We've got a nice thing in fathers, _(looking out of +window)_ He's brought us up to London to put us on the market + +Ruby. Yes, and by a cheap excursion. _(goes L.)_ + +Pearl. Now we know why we've come to encamp just across the +street--it's to lay siege to a penniless cousin. _(picks up +"Quayle on Muscles" off couch, takes it to table)_ + +Ruby. _(at small table up stage L., opens case, shrieks)_ Ach! +knives! + +Pearl. _(looks up from book)_ _You_ wouldn't do for a doctor's +wife, whatever Pa says, _(looks at picture)_ Besides, you're not +free, but I am. _(sadly)_ + +Ruby. Pearl. there's Waverly! _(coming to her, looking over her +shoulder at picture)_ + +Pearl. Yes, there's Waverly, but he's _(turns to next picture)_ +most disappointing. He's been staying at Southsea with Lieutenant +Merry for a whole week, _(turns page)_ and father's been away +the whole time. _(turns page)_ And I've given him every possible +encouragement. _(looks at picture)_ At least, of course I +didn't go so far as _you_ did with Lieutenant Merry. You +were--simply--_(turns page)_ + +Ruby. _(looking at picture)_ Shocking! _(shuts book and puts it +back on couch)_ + +Pearl. Yes, you were! _(laughs)_ + +Ruby. How dare you! I never gave Andrew the slightest +encouragement, _(sits on sofa)_ + +Pearl. My dear Ruby. I judge by results. He proposed to you the +second day. _(comes and sits by her on sofa)_ + +Ruby. What about you? You let Waverly kiss you. + +Pearl. Only once--just there; _(touches her cheek)_ and that was +after a dance, which doesn't count. No, I've gone as far with Mr. +Vane as any girl, who isn't a born flirt, _(pointedly looking +at Ruby)_ can go, and he's said nothing--yet So I'm going to get +father to invite Doctor Sheppard down to Southsea, and I'll flirt +_desperately_ with him. + +_(Ruby crosses C.)_You see, I shall be obeying father--I shall +get you out of your difficulty, and it will force _Waverly_ to +say something--definite, _(sits on the word)_ + +Ruby. Oh, Pearl! What a clever idea! _(thinks)_ _Andrew_ hasn't +been _quite_ so attentive since I accepted him. And, as you say, +dear papa must be obeyed, so I'll flirt with Doctor Sheppard too, +before Andrew--it'll do him a _world_ of good. + +Pearl. Doctor Sheppard! + +Ruby. No, _Andrew_, of course. Oh, Pearl. I wonder how they're +getting on without us? Do they ever talk about us, do you think? + +Pearl. Of course they do--_everybody_ talks about us--in +Southsea. + +Andrew. _(heard off)_ Not in? P'raps he's got a patient. +_(laughs)_ + +Ruby. It's Andrew! How do I look? _(jumps up and looks in +mirror)_ + +_(Pearl tries to pull her away from it--Enter Andrew. followed by +Waverly.)_ + +Waverly. _(looking at girls' backs and nudges Andrew)_ P'raps +he's got two patients. + +Andrew. Oh, Susannah! _(takes double stethoscope off table, aside +to Waverly)_ Let's have a lark. I'll pretend to be the doctor. + +Waver. No, no, never joke about business, _(scuffles to get +stethoscope)_ + +_(Ruby looks round.)_ + +Andrew. Ruby! _(goes to her with outstretched arms)_ + +_(Pearl looks round.)_ + +Waver. _(aside)_ Pearl! Oh, lor! _(goes down r.)_ Pearl. +_(coyly)_ Mr. Vane! What attraction has brought you all the way +from Southsea? _(follows him)_ + +_(Waverly looks confused.)_ + +Andrew. _(to Ruby)_ What's brought you? We called at Clarence +Parade this morning and found that you'd flown up to London by +the excurs--the early train, so we thought what a lark it'd be to +run up on the chance of meeting you. + +Waver. We didn't expect to find you at the doctor's. + +Andrew. No. _(to Ruby. anxiously)_ Are you ill? + +Ruby. _(laughing)_ No. + +Waver, _(to Pearl. wearily)_ Don't say it's _you_. + +Pearl. I'm _never_ ill. What's the matter with you? + +Waver. _I've_ only come with _Andrew_, _(tries to cross to +Andrew)_ + +_(Pearl pulls him back.)_ + +Ruby. _(screams)_ Oh Andrew. then it's _you!!!_ What's the matter +with you? + +Andrew. _(laughing)_ Nothing! Sound me if you like. _(offers +stethoscope)_ + +Ruby. But _why_ have you come to see a _doctor_? + +Andrew. _(laughs)_ I haven't--I've brought Vane to introduce +him to my old school-fellow, dear old, serious, studious, +short-sighted, absent-minded Jack Sheppard. + +Ruby and Pearl. _(together)_ You know _Jack_? + +Waver, and Andrew. _(surprised)_ Jack? + +Ruby. Cousin Jack! Didn't you know? + +Andrew. No, you never told us you _had_ any cousins. What a +lark! Jack's my greatest friend--because we're such opposites, I +suppose. I call him Dull Boy, because "all work and no play makes +Jack------" see? Rather smart for me, and he calls me "Merry +Andrew"--Andrew Merry--Merry Andrew--see? Oh, that was Jolly +smart for Jack--only joke he ever made. + +_(Ruby sits on couch--Andrew behind couch.)_ + +Waver. Why have you never mentioned his name? + +Ruby. We haven't seen him since he was a little boy in kilts. + +Pearl. We saw lots of him then, we were both of us _awfully_ in +love with him. + +Ruby. And we're longing to see him again! _(pointedly)_ + +Andrew. _(laughing)_ Oh, are you? Well, I shan't be jealous of +_serious_ old Jack. + +Ruby. _(aside)_ Oh, won't you? + +_(Ruby and Pearl exchange looks, smiling.)_ + +Waver. Where is he? + +Ruby. _(quickly)_ He won't be back till half-past--_(coyly)_ How +shall we kill time? + +Andrew. I know, come and shoot tin dickie-birds at the +Aquarium--I must have exercise. + +Ruby. Oh, what fun! Come along! + +_(Exeunt Ruby and Andrew.)_ + +Waver. _(breaking away--aside)_ I shall never have the pluck to +break it to her that I've got engaged to another girl. + +Pearl. _(looking at door, then at Waverly, drops Tier eyes)_ +Well! + +Waver. _(stands facing audience, back to writing table--to +her)_ Miss Plant. there's something I want to say to +you--something--I--I--I don't know how to _say_ it. + +Pearl. _(coquettishly)_ Then don't say it. Write me a little +note, _(taps his arm, goes to table, holds up note-paper and +pen)_ + +Waver. Thanks awfully! _(sits and writes)_ + +_(Pearl walks away.)_ + +_(Pauses, aside, alarmed)_ Does she mean business? She's not a +lawyer's child for nothing. She might make a Breach of Promise +out of this, _(tears up letter and pockets the pieces)_ I'd +better blurt it out. _(goes to her)_ I say, it's not--er--it's +not that. + +Pearl. Not what? + +Waver. I mean--er--_(absently takes from his pocket a kodak made +like a large turnip watch, and fumbling nervously with it)_ I +mean I've been and got--er--I've been and got---- + +Pearl. A watch? + +Waver. No. _(aside)_ But it'll gain time, thank goodness. + +Pearl. What is it? _Do_ tell me. + +Waver. A detective camera that _defies_ detection. + +Pearl. _(rises)_ Oh, what fun! _(takes it from him)_ Let's go and +take snap-shots at Andrew and Ruby when they're not looking, then +they shall take us--when we're not looking, _(takes his arm)_ + +_(Enter Tupper.)_ + +Waver. _(aside)_ She does mean business. + +_(Exeunt Waverly and Pearl.)_ + +Tupper. _(looking after them)_ I don't like the look of those two +gents, _(takes cigarette end off ash-tray, lights it)_ They've +gorn and eloped with the fust two customers we've 'ad. _(lies on +operating couch)_ Oh, well, I don't interfere with other people's +business. I got enough to do to look after my own. + +_(Enter Doctor in high hat, frock coat, overcoat, carrying a +Gladstone bag, looks as if he had something on his mind.)_ + +_(Jumping off couch)_ I _am_ glad to see you back, sir. + +Doctor. Thank you, Tupper--a kind boy--unpack these, _(hands him +bag)_ + +Tupper. _(finds bag very heavy, drops it down by bureau, opens +bottom drawer, looks in, aside)_ Empty--must 'ave pawned the lot +to buy the noo ones, _(takes out pile of books and papers and one +collar)_ I wonder if 'e's spliced, 'e looks un'appy enough. +I'll arsk 'im. _(chucks books, MSS., collar, etc., into drawer, +anyhow, crosses on tiptoe to Doctor)_ 'Ave yer brought 'er with +yer, sir? + +Doctor. _(swinging round on revolving chair facing Tupper, who +has backed to bureau alarmed)_ Don't talk, I'm busy! _(opening +his letters--aside)_ Can that boy have guessed? No, how could he? +_(picks up Cummerbund's letter)_ + +Tupper. _(aside)_ 'E's got the letter! _(closes drawer)_ + +Doctor. _(throwing down letters savagely)_ Bills, bills, +bills--nothing but bills! _(walks up and down shying things +about)_ + +Tupper. _(aside, stealing out on tiptoe)_ It's my last day out o' +bed, I know it is. + +_(Exit Tupper.)_ + +Doctor. _(takes card out of mirror)_ "Sir Peter and Lady Quayle +request the pleasure----" That's what did it, that dinner of +Quayle's. Sir Peter told me over dessert, that for the first six +months after he started in practice, he was starving. Then he +met a young governess who was starving too, and with what their +friends called "sublime imprudence" they got married. _And he +never looked behind him after_. Then he said if I meant to get on +as a gynaecologist, I must get married. "Your wife will prove +a mascotte like mine did," he said, "and patients will flow +in--simply flow in." Well, I believe in Quayle. That was Tuesday +night; on Wednesday I ran down to Lowesloft, proposed to Flo on +Thursday, we were secretly married this morning at the Registry +Office, she's gone back to her people, and I've come back to +town; and what do I find? Nothing but bills, and I can't pay one +of them. After settling for the special license, my fare back to +town, and that telegram to Aurora. _(feels in pocket, produces +coppers)_ I've got sevenpence half-penny in the wide world and a +wife! It's all Quayle's fault! Damn Quayle! I'll never believe in +him again. I don't even know where my next meal is coming from, +_(walks up and down)_ + +_(Enter Aurora with the tea--goes to small tea-table.)_ + +Aurora. 'Ere's yer tea, sir. I was glad to get your telegram. +Mrs. O'Hara was getting quite anxious about you. + +Doctor. _(aside)_ About her rent, more likely. + +Aurora. She wondered where you'd got to, but I knew, sir. 'Ow is +the pore lady? Do you think she'll get over it, Doctor? + +Doctor. Don't talk, my good girl, I'm busy, _(cuts bread)_ + +Aurora _(getting behind couch--aside)_ "'Is good girl," that +I am, it's all for 'im. I know 'e's starving. 'E goes for that +stale quartern like the pore prodigal gentleman with the 'usks, +but I've got a treat for 'im, that there card put it in my 'ead. +_(points to Quayle's card in mirror)_ I've bought 'im a beautiful +bird, that'll give 'im a relish, _(to Doctor)_ Couldn't you fancy +something light with yer tea, sir? _(back of couch)_ + +Doctor. Yes, I think I could--I'll finish that tin of potted pig +I left, _(rises, gets cC)_ + +Aurora. _(aside)_ My stars! An' Tupper's ate it! + +Doctor. _(opens drawer of bureau)_ Hullo! It's gone! + +Aurora. _(to him)_ G-gone bad, sir. + +Doctor. _(suspiciously)_ Gone bad? + +Aurora. Yes, sir, an' I've fr--fr-- + +Doctor. Fried it? + +Aurora. No, sir, frowed it away! + +Doctor. All of it? _(goes to medicine chest)_ + +Aurora. Yes, sir, all of it. _(one step back, nods hard)_ + +Doctor. _(aside)_ She's eaten it. _(to her)_ Aurora. show me your +tongue. H'm! you'd better take this. _(pours out a draught)_ + +Aurora. _(aside, rapturously)_ 'Is patient at larst! _(takes it)_ +Thank you, sir. _(gasps)_ I've touched 'is 'and. + +Doctor. You won't like it. + +Aurora. I will, sir, if I die arter it. _(aside)_ I'm in seven +'eavens already! _(drinks, pulls an awful face)_ It's all for +'im! + +_(Doctor puts glass back, Aurora takes big lump of sugar from +tea-table.)_ + +Doctor. _(seriously)_ You might have died of ptomaine poisoning, +eating that decayed tinned stuff, _(crosses to sofa, sits again)_ + +Aurora. Oh, sir, I never touched a mossel. _(big lump in her +cheek)_ + +Doctor. _(surprised)_ You didn't eat it? + +Aurora. Not me, sir! I ain't no thief! _(takes another lump)_ + +Doctor. _(smiles)_ Well, never mind. That won't hurt you. + +Aurora. Please, sir, _(looking at him fondly--hesitatingly)_ +Mrs. O'Hara, she arsked me to say--as it's Lady day, would you +allow 'er---- + +Doctor. I know--something on account. + +Aurora. Oh, no, sir--would you allow her to send up a beautiful +bird for yer tea? + +Doctor. No, thanks, I--I've just dined, _(eats ravenously)_ + +Aurora. _(aside)_ Lord forgive 'im. _(watches him eating)_ + +Doctor. _(aside)_ Mrs. O'Hara has tried that dodge before, but +I'm not taking any. + +Aurora. I'm sure you'd like it, sir, it's a quail on toast. + +Doctor. _(aside, jumping up)_ Quail on toast!' Damn it! Do you +want to drive me mad? _(shouts to her)_ No! Go! _(sits and pours +out another cup)_ + +Aurora. _(aside)_ No go. 'E don't love me, or 'e wouldn't say +that? + +_(Bell rings.)_ + +Oh, that bell! _(comes back and quickly removes the things)_ + +Doctor. _(still holding teapot in left hand)_ What are you doing +now? + +Aurora. Clearing away, sir, in case it's for you. + +_(Exit Aurora with tea-tray.)_ + +Doctor. What's she done that for? I wish Flo was here to look +after me. It was hard to leave her at Lowestoft, _(takes photo +from pocket, stands it up before him on table)_ Dear little Flo! +The one girl I've loved all my life! _(arm outstretched, teapot +in L. hand)_ To think that you're my wife at last! _(slowly +closing his arms)_ My wife! _(hugging teapot, yowls)_ It seems +too good to be true. And where are the patients Quayle said would +flow In? Simply flow In! _(waves teapot, tea, goes all over the +stage)_ Hello! its flowing out. + +_(Enter Plant.)_ + +_(loudly)_ I say, where are my patients? _(loudly, coming down +stage, not seeing Plant)_ + +Plant. _(more loudly)_ And I say _where_ are my daughters? + +Doctor. _(seeing him)_ My first! Quayle's right, after all. +_(comes to Plant teapot in hand, assumes professional air)_ Good +afternoon, won't you sit down? _(seats himself and writing table, +puts teapot on blotter. He is always absent-minded when absorbed +in his science)_ + +Now! _(earnestly)_ What can I do for you? What's the trouble, eh? + +Plant. _(aside)_ Well, upon my word, he's a cool customer. +_(stands R. of table)_ + +Doctor. Come, come, let's hear what it is, or how I can help you; +you know I'm in the habit of hearing confidences, _(sees teapot, +puts it under table)_ + +Plant. _(indignantly)_ Sir, I'm a father! + +Doctor. _(bowing)_ Sir, I congratulate you. _(writes "Father" +on note pad--to Plant cheerfully)_ Is it a boy or a girl? + +Plant. _(hotly)_ Two girls, sir. + +Doctor. Dear, dear, I sympathize with you. _(makes a note "two +girls")_ Mother doing well? + +Plant. _(gesticulating wildly)_ The mother's dead, sir! + +Doctor. _(with sympathy)_ Ah, now I understand your agitation, +_(makes note)_ And the twins--are _they_ well? + +Plant. _(wildly)_ Damn it, Sir, they're not twins, and I've lost +'em. + +Doctor. Dear, dear! _(aside)_ Lost his wife and both the poor +little babies, _(writing on note pad)_ + +Plant. _(chokingly)_ Only half an hour ago, and I've come to +you---- + +Doctor. _(putting up his hand)_ No, no, if your own Doctor won't +grant a certificate, it's no use coming to me. _(tears up notes)_ + +Plant. I tell you I left 'em here, on this sofa. + +Doctor. _(rises indignantly)_ Oh _my_ sofa! Then you'd no +business to. How dare you leave the poor things lying on my sofa? +Where are they? _(looking under sofa cushions)_ + +Plant. Hang it, sir, that's what I've come to ask _you_. What +have you done with them? + +_(Enter Tupper.)_ + +Tupper. _(to Doctor)_ Please, sir, Mrs. O'Hara says--_(hands him +her account book)_ + +Plant. _(seizing Tupper)_ Where are my daughters? _(crosses C, +shaking Tupper--threatening him with big stick)_ + +Tupper. I dunno, sir--give it up. + +Plant. No prevarications! You saw the two young ladies. + +Doctor. _(surprised)_ Two young ladies! I see now! + +Tupper. Are you their _father_, sir? I didn't think you was old +enough. + +Plant. _(pleased, releases him, pats his head)_ Good lad! +_(crosses down L.)_ + +Doctor. Where have they gone, Tupper? + +Tupper, I dunno, sir--they was fetched. + +Plant. Fetched? Who by? _(rushing at Tupper furiously)_ + +Tupper. I dunno, sir, two gentlemen--they didn't leave no name, +they simply come, saw the ladies---and carried 'em off. + +_(Bus.--Plant threatening Tupper--Tupper arm up.)_ + +_(Exit Tupper quickly.)_ + +Doctor. _(aside)_ Just my luck--lost two cases! + +Plant. A plot, sir--a vile plot--whoever the scoundrels are, they +shall pay heavily for this wounded heart. + +Doctor. _(seriously)_ Heart? Cardiac? _(hand on Plant's heart, +listens)_ + +Plant. _(half crying, on Doctor's arm)_ My precious jewels! +Two dear girls, Doctor. who have never caused me a moment's +uneasiness all their blessed lives. + +Doctor. Apparently not. Hadn't you better go and look for them? + +Plant. _(excitedly walks up and down)_ Ah, you are not a +father-- + +Doctor. _(aside, looking through microscope)_ Hope not--only +married this morning. + +Plant. --or you couldn't stand there unmoved. I am struck down in +the flower of my days; this is a stroke, sir, a fatal stroke. +Ach! _(cries out with pain--puts hands to his back)_ + +Doctor. That's not a _stroke_--that's _lumbago_. + +Plant. _(hotly)_ Hang it, sir, I speak in parables--I'm not a +patient! + +Doctor. Not a patient! Then what do you come here for? Parables +are no good to me. I've got my living to earn! _(rings bell)_ +Good afternoon! + +_(Enter Aurora.)_ + +Aurora. 'Ere's a letter for you, sir. + +Doctor. _(taking it)_ Thanks, and show this gentleman out. + +Aurora. Very good, sir, we _are_ busy to-day, sir. _(to Plant)_ +This way out. _(at door)_ + +Plant. _(to Doctor)_ You little know whom you are insulting. Some +day, sir, your eyes will be opened--and you will discover that +the country cousin-- + +_(Aurora listens and mimics him.)_ + +--whom you spurned from your door, was none other than a fairy +prince, who will this very day lift you from the slough of +grovelling poverty to the realms of affluence and prosperity. +Good day, sir! + +_(Aurora crosses and exits behind Plant.)_ + +Doctor. _(alone)_ "This very day"--"Affluence and +prosperity"--"fairy prince"--oh, he's off his dot! _(looks at +postmark)_ "Ambleside." Why, it's from _(rises and crosses L.)_ +Aunt Susannah! "My dear Nephew: I have heard glowing accounts of +your success." My success! "I long to see my brilliant nephew +--I'm coming up to London to-morrow." To-morrow--to-morrow, +_(looks at calander)_ that's Saturday, good job it's not to-day. +Mrs. O'Hara's got an Irish party on upstairs and Aunt Susie's so +awfully quiet she can't stand the slightest noise, _(reads)_ "It +is my constant joy to know that you are devoting your days--and +I daresay many of your nights--to the noble work of alleviating +human suffering." _(looks at her picture--reads)_ "I mean to +do all that my money can do to help you to pursue your glorious +profession with everything in your favor." Its too good to be +true! _(rises)_ No, it isn't Quayle's right again! Flo _has_ +brought me luck, and on our wedding day! _(pause)_ The very day! +That's what that silly old man with the dyed hair meant. By Jove! +he is a fairy prince! Oh, Flo, Flo, what a honeymoon we'll have! +_(dances all over the room with delight, seizing a sofa cushion +to dance with)_ + +_(Enter Aurora. followed by Ruby. Pearl. Waverly and Andrew in +single file.)_ + +Aurora. The Doctor'll see you directly. Take your seats, please. + +_(Ruby and Pearl sit on couch, Ruby L. of Pearl; Andrew and +Waverly R. C, laughing.)_ + + +TABLEAU. + +Doctor. _(stops dancing suddenly--aside)_ Quayle's right again! +They're flowing in, simply flowing in! _(sits at table--to +Waverly down r.)_ Good afternoon. Won't you sit down? + +_(Waverly sits O. P. corner.)_ + +Now what can I do for you? What's the trouble, eh? + +Andrew. _(behind Doctor. slaps him on back, laughing)_ What do +you take us for, Dull Boy? + +Doctor. _(turning round)_ Why, it's Merry Andrew! + +Andrew. Of course it is! How are you? This is Mr. Vane, old +friend of mine. + +Waver. _(other side of Doctor)_ How are you? _(shakes hands)_ + +Doctor. _(between them)_ Not a patient? _(to Andrew)_ Who are the +ladies? + +Waver. Don't you know your own cousins? + +Doctor. _(mystified)_ Cousins, what cousins? + +Ruby. _(coming down L. of him--Andrew gives way)_ Second cousins. + +Pearl. _(coming down r. of him--Waver, gives way)_ On mother's +side. + +Doctor. I know, you're the Plants from Southsea? But how could I +recognise you? I haven't seen you for so long. + +Pearl. _(making eyes at Doctor)_ We hope to see you every day +now; we're in town for a week. + +Doctor. _(aside)_ What does she make eyes at me like that for? + +Ruby. Yes, just across the road--_dear_ Jack! + +Doctor. _(aside)_ "Dear Jack?" This is very sudden! _(to them)_ +Er--have some tea? _(rings bell on table)_ + +Pearl. Oh, thank you. I love tea. + +_(Girls go to sofa--Boys follow.)_ + +_(Enter Aurora.)_ + +Doctor. Some more tea, please, Aurora--hot, strong and quick! + +Aurora. Yes, sir--hot, strong and quick, _(dives under knee-hole +of table)_ + +Doctor. What are you doing there? + +Aurora. _(coming through)_ Getting out the teapot, sir. + + +TABLEAU. _(Exit Aurora.)_ + +Doctor. _(back of sofa, to Ruby)_ And have you come up from +Portsmouth with Merry Andrew? + +Ruby. _(confused)_ No--of course not, my _dear_ Jack! + +Doctor. But aren't you--eh? + +Andrew. _(laughs)_ You've guessed it in once, Dull Boy! But it's +a secret. + +Doctor. _(pleased)_ I'm never wrong in a diagnosis. _(shakes +hands with Andrew)_ I congratulate you. _(looks at Pearl)_ +And you and Mr. Vane are---- _(shaking hands with Waverly)_ I +congratulate you---- + +_(Pearl shakes her head.)_ + +--Er--I mean I beg your pardon. + +Waver. Don't mention it. + +Andrew. You were having a jolly good caper when we came in; +what's up? + +Doctor. She's coming! _(waves hand vaguely towards picture and +sits on sofa between girls)_ + +_(Enter Aurora with tea.)_ + +Andrew. _(laughing)_ Oh, _you've_ got a "she," have you? You dog! +_(back at sofa)_ + +Aurora. _(aside)_ 'E's got a she! _(gasps audibly)_ + +Ruby. Dear Jack! + +Andrew. _(to her)_ Here, not so much of your "dear Jack!" + +Ruby. Don't be absurd, Andrew. he's my cousin. + +_(Andrew goes C.)_ + +I congratulate you with all my heart, dear Jack! _(kisses him)_ + +_(Aurora gasps again, louder.)_ + +Pearl. And I congratulate you too! _(kisses him)_ + +_( Aurora gasps a third time, loudest, and puts tray on +tea-table, upsetting milk jug onto tray. Takes everything off +tray quickly, pours spilt milk back into jug, wipes tray and mops +milk off floor with apron, goes to fire and wrings out apron in +fireplace.)_ + +Doctor. _(rises, goes up)_ You've got something on your chest, +Aurora---- + +Aurora. Yes, sir. _(takes out loaf of bread and puts it on the +table)_ + +Doctor. I must give you a tonic. + +Aurora. _(with fervour)_ Oh, do, sir. _(goes C., aside)_ 'Is +patient again! I wonder what colour it'll he this time? _(to +Doctor as he hands her the draught)_ Will this 'ere mix with that +there, sir? _(pointing at it)_ + +Doctor. _(snatching it back)_ No, I'm hanged if it will!1 _(puts +it down)_ + +Aurora _(aside)_ I was a little silly to speak. I did want to +touch 'is 'and again. 'E's got sich a sorft 'and! + +_(Exit Aurora. sadly.)_ + +Ruby. And what is your lady-love like? + +Doctor. _(pointing to Aunt's picture)_ That! + +Pearl. Oh, isn't she pretty! _(looks at Ruby grimacing)_ Who is +she? + +Doctor. My maiden aunt Susannah! + +Andrew. Oh, Susannah! Now you're having a lark with us. + +Doctor. No, I'm not--I leave larking to you. She's coming +to-morrow. + +Waver. To-morrow? We've got a box at the Hippodrome; you must +come and bring your aunt. + +Andrew. Yes, we'll trot her round. + +_(Doctor handing cigarettes to Andrew. who hands them to Waverly, +and Waverly to girls.)_ + +Doctor. No, no, she's not a trotter. She lives at Ambleside, and +she's awfully quiet. + +_(Pearl takes a cigarette from Waverly, strikes match on her +shoe, lights it.)_ + +She'd think a visit to the Ballad Concerts was reckless +dissipation, and if she saw a girl riding a bicycle or smoking +a cigarette she'd say--_(sees Ruby and Pearl--stops confused)_ +I--I--don't know what she'd say. + +Andrew. _(roars and slaps him on the back)_ Just the same serious +old Jack. You must come out with Vane and me to-night. + +_(Doctor writhes when Andrew slaps him.)_ + +Waver. Yes, we'll paint London red for you--it's the season for +spring-cleaning. + +Doctor. With pleasure, but mind you, no larks after to-night. I +know what a fellow you are for practical jokes, but if you played +any joke on auntie, I'd never forgive you. She's one of the best, +and I want her to enjoy her visit in her own quiet way. _(looks +through microscope)_ + +Andrew. So she shall, old fellow! We'll take her to the Zoo to +see the lions fed. + +Pearl. That _will_ be quiet! + +_(All laugh.)_ + +Doctor. _(aside)_ Where's that specimen? _(rings bell)_ Oh, I +remember, in there--_(points to door R. I. E., to them)_ Will you +excuse me for a moment? + +_(Exit R. U. E.)_ + +_(Andrew crosses to sofa, Pearl pulls Waverly on to sofa. The +Quartette sit around tea-table, talking and laughing.)_ + +_(Enter Aurora.)_ + +Aurora. _(aside)_ Where's the dear doctor? What have they done +with him? + +Andrew. _(who has his arm round Ruby. aside to Waverly)_ Lend me +your detective camera? + +Aurora. _(aside)_ Detective? I'm in this--it's all for 'im! +_(hides behind operating couch)_ + +Waver. Here, no larks, Merry Andrew. what do you want it for? +_(nervously indicating that Pearl's taken his arm and put it +round her waist)_ + +Andrew. _(with smothered laughter)_ I'll show you! _(takes it +from him)_ + +_(Waverly nervous tries to get his arm away--Andrew takes +snap-shot at Aunt's picture, Aurora watching, her eyes just above +couch.)_ + +All over! + +_(Aurora bobs down.)_ + +Ruby. What's the joke? + +Andrew. I'm going to that wig-maker fellow to get him to make me +up just like this snap-shot of that picture, he'll do it in half +an hour, dress and all. I'll come back before you're gone, and +Jack'll think I'm his "she." + +Aurora. _(aside)_ _Will_ he? Not if I can help it! _(bobs down)_ + +Andrew. And you'll all be larking and smoking and kicking up no +end of a row, and poor old Jack's serious face'll be a study. + +Aurora. _(aside)_ Will he? I'll learn you to make fun of the dear +Doctor. see if I don't! _(creeps to door)_ + +_(Exit Aurora. unobserved.)_ + +_(Re-enter Doctor--Waverly withdraws his arm suddenly, Pearl puts +it back.)_ + +Pearl. _(to Doctor)_ Jack? + +_(Doctor doesn't hear, absorbed in microscope.)_ + +Jack, dear, has any one been here while we were away? _(toying +with Waverly's hand)_ + +Doctor. _(still looking through microscope)_ Only a Billy old +lunatic with dyed hair and a touch of lumbago. + +Ruby and Pearl. _(jumping up suddenly)_ Father! + +_(Andrew sits on couch with Waverly.)_ + +Doctor. _(aside)_ Oh, lor! _(aloud)_ I'm awfully sorry I didn't +know he was your father, he said he was a fairy prince. + +Pearl. How like him! _(laughs)_ + +Ruby. Where's he gone? + +Doctor. To look for someone--I think it was you. _(points to +Waverly and Andrew)_ + +Pearl. Had he his big walking stick? _(seriously)_ + +Doctor. _(nods)_ He had! He practised with it on Tupper. + +Andrew and Waveb. _(together, rising)_ I think we had better be +going now. + +Ruby. _(to Andrew)_ Yes, do, you don't know papa when he's +roused. + +_(Waverly looks around nervously and goes up.)_ + +Andrew. Oh, I'm not afraid, but I've an appointment. _(winking +and smiling)_ + +Ruby. _(smiling)_ With a lady? _(pointing at picture)_ + +Andrew. _(smiling)_ Yes! + +Waver. I'll come with you, I'd like to see her. + +Andrew. Right! Shan't be long, Jack, and when we come back we're +going to take you out to have one jolly good caper for the last, +_(slaps him hard on back.)_ + +Doctor. _(absently)_ The last before auntie comes. + +Andrew. _(laughing and nudging Waver.)_ As you say, _before +auntie comes_. + +_(Exit Andrew and Waverly.)_ + +Pearl. _(to Ruby)_ He's looking at us! Suppose he's fallen in +love with us! + +Ruby. He mustn't for worlds--father would accept him at once! + +Pearl. _(to Ruby)_ We must be very _distant_ cousins now. + +_(Girls sit on sofa.)_ + +Doctor. _(aside)_ I'm no match for the two of 'em. _(sits on +couch between girls--cheerily)_ Now make yourselves quite at +home, let me give you some more tea? _(to Ruby.)_ + +Ruby. _(freezingly)_ No, thank you. _(moves to armchair)_ + +_(Pearl goes to window and looks out.)_ + +Doctor. _(C. aside)_ Very sudden change! What have I done? + +Pearl. _(looking out of window)_ Father's back! + +_(Bell rings. Ruby and Pearl rush back and sit one on each +side of Doctor. cuddling close to him, each holding one of his +hands.)_ + +Doctor. _(to them)_ Father's back? Oh, yes, I know, _lumbago!_ +I'll cure it. + +_(Enter Plant.)_ + +Plant. Ah, here you are, my precious jewels! + +_(Doctor rises, girls rise with him, still holding his hands.)_ + +Sir, accept a father's thanks! + +_(Holds out his hand, which Doctor cannot take--Bus. then girls +release him--shaking Doctor's hand.)_ + +Forgive my harshness this afternoon--a father's feelings, you +know. + +Doctor. On the contrary, you ought to forgive _me_--I know now +how much I owe you--my fairy prince! + +_(Girls laugh and sit on sofa.)_ + +Plant. _(quickly)_ Hush! Not before the girls! _(goes to them, +stands back of sofa)_ My precious jewels, how thankful I am to +find you safe and well, _(aside)_ I'll give it you when I get +you home. I know _all!_ _(to Doctor)_ Two dear girls, Doctor. +who have never given me a moment's uneasiness all their blameless +lives, _(aside to Ruby)_ Have you settled? Which is it to be? + +Ruby. _(aside to him)_ Me. + +Pearl. _(aside to him)_ And me too! + +Plant. _(savagely to Pearl)_ I shall lock you up in our room, +miss, for the rest of the day. + +Ruby. _(ruefully)_ Oh, papa, how unkind! + +Plant. _(aside to Ruby)_ And you too! _(aside)_ I can get on +better without you. _(to Doctor. stroking their hair)_ Ah, +Doctor. the man who would dare to rob me of my precious jewels, +Ruby and Pearl. will have much to answer for. + +Doctor. Don't distress yourself, no man would be so heartless, +_(looking through microscope)_ + +Plant. Ahem! Not such a fool as he looks! These girls are no +match for him. I must get him alone. _(aloud)_ Well, Doctor. we +mustn't waste your precious time; I see you're busy. + +Doctor. No, no, not on a Friday, to-morrow's my day. _(nearly +dances, checks himself, aside--to Plant)_ Besides I'm expecting +an old school fellow directly, he's a lieutenant in the navy, and +my greatest friend. + +_(Consternation of Ruby and Pearl.)_ + +You _must_ stop. + +Plant. My dear Jack, we should be charmed to meet any friend of +yours, but really during our short stay in town we have so many +engagements, _(to Ruby)_ Say good-bye and kiss him! + +Ruby. I have kissed him once. _(rises)_ + +Plant. Good! Do it again for luck! + +_(Pearl crosses towards Doctor)_ + +Not you! _(stops her)_ + +Pearl. _(to Plant)_ I wasn't going to. + +Plant. I wouldn't trust you. + +Pearl. Good-bye, Doctor. I wish you every success. _(shakes hands +and goes up stage)_ + +Ruby. Good-bye! _(pause)_ Dear Jack! _(pause)_ I _(going to kiss +him, catches her father's eye, aside to Plant)_ I can't when +you're looking. + +Plant. _(aside to her)_ Idiot! _(aloud)_ Come, my precious +jewels! + +_(Puts his arms round them; swing Bus.)_ + +The sunshine of my widowed home, Jack, a humble place, but when +you come to visit us at Southsea, you will echo the words of the +immortal bard, and join with us in singing, _(sings)_ "Ours is a +happy little home!" + +_(Exit Plant. Ruby and Pearl. _all quarrelling loudly_.)_ + +Doctor. _(alone)_ What a strange man! I wonder why he's pleaded +my cause with Aunt Susannah? _(looks at aunt's picture, sitting +end of sofa)_ Poor Aunt Susie, when she was quite a girl she fell +in love with a man who turned out all wrong; that's why she's +lived such a lonely life all these years. Dear Aunt Susie! I'll +do all I can to give you a good time, _(goes back to microscope)_ + +_(Enter Aurora.)_ + +Aurora. _(excitedly)_ If you please, doctor---- + +Doctor. Don't bother me now, Aurora. I'm busy. + +Aurora. _(sadly)_ I don't want to bother you, sir, I've come to +give you _warning_. + +Doctor. You want to leave me? + +Aurora. _Never_, sir, not till I'm took feet front. I want to +warn you about that detective, sir, as the gent brought in his +pocket. His friend let it off at that picture, sir. + +Doctor. _(mystified)_ Let _what_ off? + +Aurora. Detective camera, sir, an' 'e's comin' back dressed up +like 'er. + +Doctor. _(smiling)_ Who is? + +Aurora. 'Im as 'is friend calls "Merry Andrew." sir. + +Doctor. _(rubbing his hands)_ Oh, is he? It's my profession to +cure people, and I'll cure _you_, Master Merry Andrew. of this +insane love of practical joking, _(thumps on table)_ + +Aurora. _Do_, sir, I _don't believe_ there's no ailment, male nor +female, what you couldn't not cure, sir. + +Doctor. Thank you, Aurora. _(crosses to fire)_ + +Aurora. Excuse the liberty I've took, sir, but I thought I'd best +warn you, sir, lest when 'e come dressed up, you might think it +was--it was _she_--and--and be disappointed, _(half crying)_ + +Doctor. So I should have been--_very_ disappointed. _(looking at +picture)_ Thank you very much. + +Aurora. Still gazin' at 'is fancy! The time 'as come. It's now or +never--I'll struggle with yer! _(gets on chair, looks over into +mirror, takes combs from pocket, puts them on, pauses)_ I do +'ope Tupper was wrong; if 'e's gorn and married 'er, I'm the +miserablest girl in all Pimlico--South Belgraviar, I mean, +_(jumps down)_ + +Doctor. _(turning round and seeing her)_ What on earth are you +doing? Do you want to bring the house down? + +Aurora. I can't 'elp my weight, sir. + +Doctor. _(smiling)_ What a swell you look, Aurora! + +Aurora. _(effusively)_ 'E's seen my combs--my diamond combs, +_(shakes head to make them sparkle)_ + +Doctor. _(laughing)_ Did Mrs. O'Hara give you those paste things +to wear for her party? + +Aurora. _(disappointed)_ No, sir, they _ain't_ for Mrs. O'Ara, +and they _ain't_ pastry things, _(aside)_ 'E don't know diamonds +when 'e sees 'em! + +Doctor. They're like those in my aunt's picture. + +Aurora. _(joyfully)_ Is that your h'aunt, sir? + +Doctor. Yes. + +Aurora. Ho! I h'am glad! _(aside)_ There's 'ope, there's 'ope! + +Doctor. But those combs have gone out since that picture was +painted; you're a long way behind the times--a long way. +_(bursts out laughing and rushes out)_ Ha! ha! ha! + +_(Exit Doctor. R. I.E.)_ + +Aurora. _(alone, sobbing)_ I'm "gorn out"--"be'ind the times," +there's no 'ope, I shall never wear 'em again--_(takes them off)_ +But I'll 'ave 'em buried with me. _(pockets them)_ I shall die an +old maid now--I can't wait till Tupper's growed up. Oh, it's an +'ard world for us maids, a very 'ard world! + +_(Exit Aurora. sobbing, L.U.E.)_ + +Aunt. _(heard off)_ Is Doctor Sheppard in? + +Aurora. _(heard off, sobbing)_ I'll see, mam, I'll s-ee! + +_(Enter Aurora. followed by Aunt Susannah.)_ + +Aunt. _(to her)_ What's the matter with you, my good girl? _(c. +up stage)_ + +Aurora. _(sobbing)_ N-othin', mum. We're a b-bit b-busier to-day +than usual, that's all. + +Aunt. Is this the doctor's consulting room? _(looks round with +affectionate interest--sits at his table)_ Aurora. One of 'em, +mum--I expect 'e's in one of the h'inner rooms, engaged with some +patients, 'e's always very busy on a Friday--you couldn't 'ave +picked a worse day to come and see the great Doctor. 'Ave you got +an appointment? + +Aunt. I wrote to him. He expects me about this time. + +Aurora. Oh! _(Bus.--mimicking her intonation)_ Then I'll tell +him. _(knocks at door R.I.E.)_ A lady to see you, sir. + +Doctor. _(heard off)_ All right! Tell him to take a chair. + +Aurora. _(at door)_ It ain't an 'im, it's an 'er! + +Doctor. _(heard off, laughing)_ Oh, then tell _her_ to take the +couch. + +_(Aunt crosses L.C., looks at tea-table.)_ + +Aurora. _(aside)_ The h'operating couch! Pore thing! If it ain't +a h'arm, it's a leg! _(looks at her sympathetically)_ + +Aunt. _(looking at picture over door)_ My picture! How sweet of +the dear boy! Oh, Jack, what a happy time we shall have together. + +Aurora. _(coaxingly)_ If you please mum, the doctor says as +you're to take the couch, and he'll take your case next, mum. +_(puts her arm round her waist and walks her up to couch)_ + + +TABLEAU. + +Aunt. _(smiling)_ My case! _(sits on sofa)_ Aurora. Yes, buck up, +mum! _(slaps her on back)_ + +Aunt. _(amused, aside)_ Am I _very pale_, I wonder? If I am, it's +with the joy of looking forward to clasping my dear brother's +child in my arms. + +Aurora. _(kindly)_ It'll soon be over. He'll be very gentle with +yer, he's got sich a sorft 'and. _(puts her legs up)_ + +_(Enter Doctor.)_ + +Doctor. _(sotto voce)_ Damn good get-up. _(loudly)_ Damn good! + +Aurora. _(shocked)_ Oh, doctor! + +Doctor. _(to Aurora)_ Don't you see? It's the picture--my Aunt +Susie! _(points to picture, then to her)_ + +Aurora. _(comes to join him, they stand c, backs to audience, +roars)_ So it is, an' I said, "If it ain't a h'arm, it's a leg." +_(roars)_ + +Doctor. It's _both_ arms and _both_ legs, Aurora. and we'll +have 'em off in a twinkling, _(takes coat off, rolls up shirt +sleeves)_ + +Aunt. _(flabbergasted)_ Both arms! Both legs! + +Aurora. Right you are, sir, you fetch the larfin' gas, while I +sharpen the knives, _(sharpens two long knives from case against +each other)_ + +Aunt. _(screams)_ Knives! Murder! Murder! Let me out! + +_(Exit quickly.)_ + +Doctor. _(calls after her)_ Don't go--Old Soosie-Toosie! + +Aurora. _(laughing)_ We've cured him, sir, we've cured him! + +CURTAIN. + + + + +ACT II. + +Scene.--Same as Act I. No time elapses. + +Doctor. _(alone)_ Good old Merry Andrew! What a sight he looked! +Fancy expecting me to take his lumbering carcase for my gentle +aunt. Why, I could see his trousers, _(laughs, picks up bills, +suddenly stops laughing)_ I must sober down now and remember I'm +a married man with a lot of responsibilities--and no money, not +_yet!_ But auntie's coming to-morrow--the _real_ aunt--coming +like a good fairy to make everything rosy! _(looks at photo)_ +Flo, dear little Flo! + +_(Bell.)_ + +_(not hearing bell, engrossed in photo)_ I'm longing to tell +you the good news! I'll write to you. _(sits and writes)_ "Dear +Madam." _(tears it up)_ I mean "Darling Flo." _(writes)_ + +_(Enter Flora. shown in by Aurora. She carries a bag in each +hand, and parcels under each arm.)_ + +Aurora. This way, miss. The doctor's very busy, but---- + +Doctor. _(not hearing, writes)_ "What wouldn't I give to have you +here now." _(takes out coppers)_ Sevenpence ha-penny! + +Flora. _(slyly behind him C.)_ Is Doctor Sheppard in? + +Doctor. _(absently)_ Good afternoon. Won't you sit down? Now, +what can I do for you? What's the trouble, eh? + +Flora. The trouble? + +Doctor. Oh, it's my wife! _(rushes into her arms)_ Flo! + +Flora. Jack! _(kisses him)_ + +Aurora. _(gasps, aside)_ 'Appy patient! + +_(Exit Aurora.)_ + +Doctor. Delighted to see you, my dear Flo--most unexpected +pleasure--only sorry you can't stop the night. + +Flora. _(surprised)_ Jack! I've come to stop for ever. + +Doctor. _(releasing her suddenly)_ You can't--you mustn't! + +Flora. But I can and I must! I can't live apart from you, Jack. +I've tried it all the morning, and I can't. _(falls in his arms)_ + +Doctor. But you must live apart from me--for--for a day or two. +There's a lady coming to-morrow who mustn't see you here for +anything. + +Flora. _(by sofa C.)_ A lady! The first day of our honeymoon! Who +is she? _(pauses)_ A patient? + +Doctor. _(smiling and shaking his head)_ Better than a hundred +patients. + +Flora. What's she coming for? Tell me--tell me at once. + +Doctor. _(putting his arm round her assuredly)_ My dear little +wifie, she's only my maiden aunt. + +Flora. Oh, Jack, are you _sure_ she's a maiden aunt? + +Doctor. Quite! Here's her letter, _(crosses to sofa, takes it +from his pocket and gives it to her)_ Now are you satisfied, +jealous little woman? + +Flora. Forgive me, Jack. I can't help being jealous of everybody +and everything--I love you so much! + +Doctor. _(round on to sofa)_ I know you do--and see what luck +you've brought me. _(pointing to letter which she is reading)_ +I told you we shouldn't go wrong if we followed Quayle's advice. +Auntie's coming to-morrow, and she's going to do all that money +can---- + +Flora. _(reading letter)_ To-day, Jack--she's coming _to-day_. +This letter was written yesterday. + +Doctor. _(suddenly)_ What a fool I am! Where's the Bradshaw? +_(crosses to table, turns over leaves of Bradshaw, hurriedly)_ +Ambleside! A! Where's A! Acton, Aldersgate, Ambleside, here we +are! Good gracious! She's nearly here! _(crosses to Flo)_ +Flo, it will never do to greet her with a story of a secret +marriage--she'd be simply horrified! It's very hard to part--it's +been a short and unsatisfactory honeymoon, _(kisses her)_ But-- +Where's that Bradshaw? _(crosses to table, fumbles to find the +place)_ Lowestoft? L! L! Where the devil is L? + +_(Enter Aurora with letter.)_ + +Aurora. 'Ere, sir--a letter for you, sir--and the boy's waiting, +_(R. C.)_ + +Doctor. _(takes letter)_ Look out the next train, you _must_ +catch it! _(throws Bradshaw to Flo)_ + +_(Doctor reading letter--Flo reluctantly looking out train, in +Bradshaw, half crying.)_ + +Aurora. _(aside)_ You shall catch it, impudent 'ussy! I see yer +kiss 'im! They all kiss their dear Doctor. excep' me. _(turns up +her nose at Flo, crosses R. of table c.)_ + +Flora. _(glancing at Aurora)_ I don't like the look of that girl, +_(starts)_ She's reading his letter, and _I_ haven't seen it! + +Aurora. _(to Doctor)_ Any answer, sir? + +Doctor. Yes, I'll write a note to this lady. + +Flora. _(jealously)_ A lady! + +Aurora. _(aside, reading the letter)_ I'll learn 'er bloomin' +symptoms--I must be 'is patient. + +Flora. _(watching her)_ The forward minx! _(shuts Bradshaw with +a bang)_ I won't go back to Lowestoft. A wife's place is by her +husband's side, _(takes her hat off and sits twisting Bradshaw, +viciously)_ + +Doctor. Give the boy this. + +Aurora. Yes, sir. _(takes note, crosses to Flo)_ Can I show you +your place-- + +_(Flo indignant.)_ + +--in the Bradshaw, miss? P'raps you ain't beyond the A. B. C. + +Flora. _(haughtily, snatching it back)_ No, thank you--I can +manage myself. + +Aurora. _(aside)_ Can yer? I'll struggle with yer--I've learnt +'er symptoms, _(as she goes out)_ Impudent 'ussy!--kissing the +dear doctor. I'll struggle with yer, my gal! + +_(Exit Aurora.)_ + +Flora. _(looking at Doctor. who is absorbed reading letter)_ He's +forgotten me already, _(pause)_ + +Doctor. _(rubbing his hands)_ Good business! Call on you this +evening, my dear lady--of course I will! I wish it was time now. +_(looks at watch)_ + +Flora. _(jealously)_ Who's that letter from, Jack? _(kneels on +sofa)_ + +Doctor. A lady in Grosvenor Road. + +Flora. How long have you known her? + +Doctor. I've never _seen_ her yet. + +Flora. Who is she? _(stands)_ + +Doctor. A patient, Flo--my first--at last! + +Flora. _(with a sigh of relief)_ Oh, only that! + +Doctor. "Only that!" My dear Flo, a doctor's wife can't afford to +be jealous. You'll frighten away all my most paying patients. + +Flora. Oh, no, Jack, I won't, _(runs and kneels by him)_ I'll try +and look as if I liked them, but I can't help being jealous. My +jealousy's only love the wrong side up--that's all. + +Doctor. I know it is, and I'm so glad that my first case has +come when you were here. You are a mascotte indeed! _(stoops and +kisses her)_ + +Flora. If I stop, I'm sure lots and lots and lots will come. + +Doctor. _(not noticing, absorbed in letter)_ This is the very +case I've always been hoping for, and I've got if at last! Just +look at the gold crest, and the thick paper. No, don't read it. +Oh, it's worth three guineas a week, if it's worth a penny, and +it's a three years' job--bar accidents. + +Flora. What's she got? + +Doctor. Hysterical paraplegia--she's afflicted with all sorts of +abnormal fancies and longings. + +_(Front door bell rings.)_ + +Flora. _(jumping up suddenly from her knees)_ Who's that? Another +lady afflicted with all sorts of longings? + +Doctor. _(seriously, rubbing his hands)_ I hope so--devoutly, +_(rises suddenly)_ By George! If it's auntie!1 She mustn't find +you here. + +Flora. _(running about aimlessly)_ Where shall I go? _(crosses +L., runs towards bathroom R. U. E)_ + +Doctor. _(stopping her)_ Not in my _bedroom!_ + +Flora. Why not? I'm your wife! + +Doctor. Oh, yes, I forgot. But aunt may want to take her things +off, and if she found _you_ there, the whole story'd have to come +out, and she might think it was a fairy tale, and that would be +awful! I know--on my operating couch. + +Flora. _(shrieks)_ Ach! Operating! + +_(Runs down O. P.., crosses R. corner and then round table C., +followed by Doctor.)_ + +Doctor. It's all right! It won't bite you! _(takes up rug)_ I'll +chuck this rug over you. She'll think it's something anatomical. +She'll never suspect it's my blushing bride. + +Flora. Oh, Jack, why should you hide your blushing bride? She's +sure to find me _here_. + +Doctor. No, no, she won't! + +Flora. She _will! I'm so conspicuous!_ _(sits on sofa)_ + +Doctor. The _more_ conspicuous the better, when you want to hide +anything. It disarms suspicion, _(down stage)_ + +Flora. _(jumps off couch, and stalks down to him in a towering +rage)_ Jack! You've done this _before!!_ + +Doctor. Never! I swear! Do help me now, and all will come right, +_(drags her back and covers her up)_ + +Flora. _(popping her head out)_ Oh, hubby, are you _sure_ we're +_properly_ married? + +Doctor. Quite. Lie still, _(same Bus.)_ + +Flora. _(same Bus.)_ It doesn't feel like it a bit. Oh, it's a +horrid, horrid wedding day! _(kicks and disarranges rug)_ + +Doctor. _(putting it back)_ She's coming! Lie still, do lie +still! Flo, please--for my sake! Do lie _quite_ still-- + +_(Flo kicks.)_ + +and don't kick. + +_(Enter Plant.)_ + +Plant. My dear cousin Jack! _(putting out his hand)_ I'm so glad +to find you alone. My mission is of rather a delicate nature. + +Doctor. _(aside)_ Oh, Lord! _(looks at couch nervously to Plant)_ +I'm rather busy to-day. You couldn't call some other time, could +you? _(feels his pulse)_ + +Plant. My dear Jack, you misunderstand me--it's not me--it's my +precious jewels. I've left them lying in their room, their sobs +were distressing to hear, they are suffering terribly. + +Doctor. _(aside)_ Another case! Quayle's right again! They're +flowing in. + +Plant. _(aside)_ Locked up, and serve 'em right. I'll get +on better without 'em. _(aloud)_ They are both--_( sobs )_ +--both---- + +Doctor. Two of 'em! The more the merrier! I'll come at once, +_(putting on his hat)_ + +Plant. No, you misunderstand me--they are simply overcome with +the way--to use their own phrase--the "affectionate" way in which +you received them this afternoon. + +Doctor. _(aside)_ And Flo can hear every word. It's all up! + +Plant. They can talk of nothing else. + +_(Doctor pulls Plant's coat.)_ + +It's Jack, dear Jack, darling Jack, _(same Bus.)_ Ah, you have +robbed me of my precious jewels. + +Doctor. _(glancing nervously at couch, with assumed levity)_ +Nonsense! + +Plant. _(indignant)_ It's not nonsense at all, it's very +_serious._ Heaven forbid that I should speak, harshly to a young +man with a rich--ahem!--future--but as their father--from +whom they have never had a secret all their blameless +lives----_(crosses R.)_ I tell you, sir, you have broken _two_ +hearts in one afternoon. + +Doctor. _(gloomily)_ Oh, good afternoon! _(sits at table)_ + +Flora. _(aside)_ I shall go home by the next train. + +Plant. They're wasting the best years of their lives, and all for +you, sir--all for you! _(cross L., waves his stick excitedly)_ + +Doctor. _(half to himself)_ I can't commit bigamy. + +Plant. I don't ask you to marry both--_(whacks)_--of them, but +one or the other you must--_(whacks)_--and _shall_--_(whacks on +table)_--after all you have said and done, _(up)_ Now, my dear +sir, _(walking about waving his stick C.)_ I speak to you as +a bachelor--_(whacks rug with walking stick)_--without +encumbrances, _(whacks)_ What have you got there? _(whacks)_ + +Doctor. _(gets up)_ My encumbr------er--my model! _(R. of chair)_ + +Plant. Your model? + +Doctor. _(intercepting him)_ Yes, my ana---- + +Plant. Anna? + +Doctor. Anatomical model. Look out, you'll break it--and these +things cost money, you know. + +Plant. I accept your explanation--without prejudice, Well, to +return to our muttons--I mean my poor lambs-- + +Doctor. _(aside)_ Oh. damn your lambs! _(crosses L.)_ + +Plant. I ask you, as a father, what are your intentions? + +Doctor. _(aside)_ Can't tell him I'm married--he'd tell auntie. + +Plant. _(severely)_ Answer me, sir--what are your intentions with +regard to my two daughters? _(Bus. Flo.)_ + +Doctor. _(sofa, aside)_ If he wasn't my fairy prince, I'd brain +him! _(spots Flo's hat and collars it, confused)_ Flo's hat! Oh +--er--honourable, you know--strictly honourable, _(tries to +hide Flo's hat)_ + +Plant. _(pointing to Flo's hat)_ What is _that_, sir? _(works +right round sofa)_ + +Doctor. _(following)_ A lady's _hat_, sir. + +Plant. Don't be flippant, sir. _(seizes hat and waves it)_ You're +deceiving my girls, two girls with but one Single thought, two +hats--hearts that beat for Jack. + +Doctor. _(to Plant)_ I'm deceiving no one--that hat belongs to +one of my patients. + +Plant. _(aside)_ A patient, indeed! He's got none. _(goes for +hat)_ + +Doctor. A lady in whose case I take the deepest interest. Can't +tell you--it would be a breach of professional etiquette. + +Plant. _(goes to Doctor over R., throws his hat and stick on +sofa)_ Ah, now you're talking business. The legal and medical +professions are sisters, and should have no secrets. + +Doctor. _(shakes his head)_ No, no, it's a delicate case. +_(Bus.)_ + +Plant. Delicate cases are my speciality, and if I can be of any +assistance to you--_(aside)_--or you to me--. _(aloud)_ I'm at +your service. Proceed. + +Doctor. _(aside)_ I'll break it to him gently why I can't marry +his daughters, _(to Plant)_ Well, to begin with, she's a married +woman---- + +Plant. Is she? She'll cost her husband a pretty penny in hats. + +Doctor. _(airily)_ Oh, he can afford it. _(speaks low so that Flo +can't hear)_ He's a great friend of mine--in fact, the greatest +friend I have in all the world. + +Plant. _(loudly)_ Then what's his wife's hat doing here? + +Doctor. _(aside)_ That's just like a d------d lawyer! + +_(softly)_ Don't you see, they married secretly, without her +parents' consent, and she went back to her people, and--and +time went on--and at last she could bear it no longer, so this +afternoon she came up to town to find her husband---- + +Plant. Your greatest friend? + +Doctor. Er--precisely! + +Plant. _(aside)_ It's that lieutenant in the navy. I must +remember that. + +Doctor. And she came straight to me, and she had a fit of +hysteria and she fell---- + +Plant. Fell? + +Doctor. Yes--in my arms. + +Plant. Sir! + +Doctor. Fainted--fainted! And now she's lying down, and the +question is, when she recovers, where is she to go? + +Plant. Go? To her husband, of course! Where is he? + +Doctor. Ah, that's the question! + +Flora. _(aside, popping her head out)_ I've got the cramp! I +shall shriek in a minute. + +Plant. _(aside)_ I'll put him under an obligation, _(to +Doctor--effusively, loudly)_ My dear cousin, my door is +ever open to the weary wanderer, and if the fair owner of that +hat---- + +Doctor. No, no! It's very kind of you, but I won't hear of it. +The fair owner of that hat is perfectly comfortable where she is. + +_(Doctor and Plant up.)_ + +Flora. Ooh! _(sits up)_ + + +TABLEAU. + +She's not a bit comfortable where she is, Doctor Sheppard! + +Plant. _(aside)_ Ah, the old story! _(crosses R. of table)_ + +Flora. I've got pins and needles. + +Doctor. My poor child, let me----_(goes to her O. P. side of +table)_ + +Flora. Go away--don't touch me. _(lies on couch, rubbing her leg, +aside to Doctor)_ I'm not your poor child any longer. I shall get +the registrar to cancel our certificate. + +Plant. _(to Doctor. who comes down C., looking miserable)_ So +that's your anatomical model, eh? Your friend's wife? You Don +Juan! _(digs him in ribs. In his ear)_ "These things cost money, +you know." _(laughs--to Doctor)_ If it comes to a divorce, look +me up. I'll pull you through on reduced terms. + +Doctor. No, no, you don't understand. + +_(To Flo, who comes down between them)_ + +Are you all right now? + +Flora. _(coldly, crossing from him to Plant)_ Yes, thank you, +Doctor Sheppard. _(aside)_ Now I'll find out all about Jack and +these precious jewels! _(crosses r. to Plant)_ I accept your kind +offer of hospitality, sir. + +_(Doctor pulls Flo to him, she gets away, and sits down r.)_ + +Plant. _(aside)_ He'll have to marry my daughter after this, +_(goes to Flo)_ + +Doctor. _(aside)_ I hate letting her go with Plant. but P'raps +it's the best way out. Anyway she'll not see auntie, I must get +'em oft before she comes, _(to Plant)_ My fairy prince, how can I +thank you for this double act of kindness? + +_(Slaps him hard on the back--Plant doubles up with lumbago.)_ + +Don't double up like that--you might be struck so. I'm more +grateful to you _(same Bus.)_ than I can express. _(same Bus +again)_ I've moved him at last! Good! + +_(Doctor goes to Flo, who crosses L. to sofa at once.)_ + +Plant. I must get out of this. Ah, my dear young lady, allow +me. Your hat. _(hands Flo hat from off sofa, watching Doctor--to +Flo)_ Ah, he's a sad dog, always full of fun! That's why all the +girls are so madly in love with him. + +Flora. _(severely)_ They must be mad to be in love with him! _(at +sofa back, putting her hat on, looking in mirror)_ + +Plant. _(aside)_ Tired of him already. She'll be wanting to go +back to her husband--good business for the lawyer--_(rubs his +hands)_--and especially for yours truly, _(goes up in front of +mirror--crosses round sofa)_ I must find out what her husband's +name is. I'm quite ready when you are, my dear Mrs.--er--Mrs.---- + +Doctor. _(crosses C. quickly, aside to Plant)_ Garden--. better +call her Miss Garden for the present. + +Plant. _(aside to Doctor)_ I say, this mustn't be used against me +in evidence. It's only for your sake, you gay dog! _(offers his +arm to Flo)_ Come, my dear Miss Garden--you must confide in me as +in a second father. + +_(She takes his arm.)_ + +Doctor. _(aside)_ I hope she won't! + +Plant. _(at door)_ I say, Jack--"a lady in whose case I take the +deepest interest!" _(nods towards her)_ + +Doctor. _(to Flora. as they go out)_ Flo! Speak to me. + +Flora. _(going--angry)_ No, I won't speak to you. + +Plant. _(as they go out arm in arm, winks at Doctor)_ No, sir, we +won't speak to you. + +_(Exit with Flora.)_ + +_(Bell rings.)_ + +Doctor. _(alone)_ I should like to have that gentleman for a +surgical patient! I half wish I hadn't let her go. Those girls +are sure to talk about me, and Heaven only knows what they'll +say! I wonder if they're really in love with me? No! not likely. +I'm not the sort of fellow girls fall in love with. No girl ever +fell in love with me except Flo--dear jealous little Flo! Ah, +well, I love her all the more for being so jealous, and I know +she loves me. Thank Heaven one woman loves me, and only one. + +_(Exit R. I. E..)_ + +_(Enter Aurora. followed by Aunt.)_ + +Aurora. This way, mum. The doctor's very busy. + +Aunt. _(aside)_ I'm calmer now! _(her lips are set, and she looks +anything but calm)_ And I'll make him explain his outrageous +conduct, _(crosses right round writing table)_ + +Aurora. Will you take a chair, mum--and I'll tell the doctor---- + +Aunt. _(with suppressed indignation)_ Engaged with some poor +suffering patient, I presume? _(sits)_ + +Aurora. _(aside)_ I don't like her tone of voice, _(comes down +and looks in her face--aside)_ It's 'im! _(aloud)_ Is the +doctor expectin' of you back, or was you took wuss? What's your +complaint, eh? _(taps her on the shoulder)_ + +Aunt. _(indignantly)_ My complaint? _You!_ _(shoves her away)_ Go +and tell the doctor that I am here, at once. + +Aurora. _(not moving)_ Oh, yuss, if not sooner. What name, eh? +_(same Bus.)_ + +Aunt. _(loudly)_ No name. + +Aurora. _(not moving)_ Oh, the doctor won't see no lady without +no name. 'E's very particular. + +Aunt. _(with suppressed rage)_ Then tell him Susie-Toosie wants +to see him. _(crosses sofa and sits)_ + +Aurora. Oh! what ho! _(laughing)_ Susie-Toosie--oh, if it's that +you needn't wait. Come along, outside. _(tries to pull her out of +her chair)_ 'Op it! + +_(Enter Doctor. Aurora stops suddenly.)_ + +Doctor. _(surprised)_ Aurora! + +Aurora. _(to him)_ It's Susie-Toosie, sir. _(laughs)_ Come back +again. + +Doctor. _(laughing)_ So it is. Go on, Aurora. turn it out, that +thing's my aunt, _(sings)_ "For she's a jolly good fellow." + +_(Bell rings.)_ + +Aurora. _(leaving go of Aunt)_ Drat that bell, it's spoilt my +day. + +_(Exit Aurora.)_ + +Doctor. _(quietly)_ Look here, you merry Andrews take your hair +off. _(pulls it)_ Oh, by George!, he has stuck it on tight! +_(pulls it harder)_ + +Aunt, _(indignantly)_ Sir! + +Doctor. Don't put on that silly voice, I know all about you. I'll +make him jealous, _(sings)_ "There were two jolly sailor girls +from Portsmouth town"--the little one makes eyes at me. But it's +the tall one I like, she calls me "dear Jack." Oh, she's _dead +gone_ on me. _Her father wants me to marry her._ _(aside)_ That's +shut him up! _(aloud)_ And look here, you've got to take your +hook. I'm fagged out after my railway journey--I'm going to have +a bath before _she_ comes--you know I'm a great believer in the +water cure. + +_(Takes off his frock coat and throws it down, goes to bath room, +turns on hot and cold taps in sight of audience, noise of water +flowing into bath.)_ + +Now, don't sit there looking a silly ass. _(shies something +at her at the last word)_ + +_(Aunt sits facing audience, speechless with indignation.)_ + +You know you're not a bit like a lady, and nobody but a lunatic +would take you for one. Hurry up and get some decent togs on, and +come back for me at 7:30. Do you hear, you old joker, it's no use +keeping it up-- + +_(Aunt sits motionless.)_ + +Oh, well, I can't wait, _(undoes his braces)_ But look here, if +you don't clear out before _she_ comes I'll break every bone in +your body. Au reservoir! + +_(Doctor exits into bath-room.)_ + + Aunt. _(crosses to table)_ And _that_ is my brother's +only child! A shameless monster, lost to all sense of decency, +and carrying on with _two_ sailor girls! Horrible! But after all, +he's my nephew and I must do my duty by him. What is my duty, +I wonder? _(comes back and sits on sofa)_ His father was such a +gentle soul, and to think that this brutal ruffian is his son. + +_(Enter Tupper.)_ + +Tupper. _(looks round, sees no one, hears splashing in next +room)_ 'E's 'avin' a bath, now's my time for a quiet smoke, +_(picks cigarette end oft ash tray)_ + +Aunt. _(to herself)_ Oh, my poor head! + +Tupper. _(starts and comes to her, cigarette in mouth)_ Summat +wrong with yer 'ead? + +Aunt. Go away, you horrid boy! + +Tupper. The doctor'll cure it in a jiffy, take my tip, but 'e's +'avin' a bath just now. You know he's a great believer in the +water cure. He says if we 'ad cleaner bodies we'd 'ave cleaner +minds--do _you_ 'old with that? I spec he'll give _you_ the water +cure. I say--you must pay for it afore you go, 'cos 'e's stoney. +Goes on tick for every think. 'Ave you got a light? + +Aunt. Go away! + +Tupper. All right, no offence, _(gets match from mantelpiece)_ +The doctor could make lots of money if he'd only try, but 'e +don't. 'E just lies on that couch all day reading books with +'orrible pictures of people 'aving their arms and legs chopped +orf, and such like. _(coming round)_ This is the wust--ain't it +blood-curdling? But the lady don't seem to mind--she looks quite +calm and peaceful-like, don't she? _(shows Aunt the book)_ + +Aunt. Take it away, you dreadful boy! + +Tupper. All right--keep your 'air on. _(goes up stage)_ 'E's +wonderful clever; you should see 'im with these 'ere knives, +golly! ain't they sharp! _(trying one)_ 'E'd slice yer up as soon +as look at yer, _and yet_ no patients don't come. Why's that? Do +you think 'e's too expensive--it's a pound a time. + +_(Bell rings.)_ + +I say, the proper way is to leave it in a h'envelope on this 'ere +table. Don't forget, 'cos there 'ere clothes ain't paid for yet, +and if they ain't to-day, they're a-comin' orf. + +Aunt. You rude boy! Go! _(sits in grandfather's chair)_ + +Tupper. _(aside)_ Well, it ain't _my_ fault if 'e don't get on! I +says all I can! + +_(Exit Tupper R. I. E. above table.)_ + +_(Enter Ruby and Pearl. shown in by Aurora--they don't see +Aunt.)_ + +Aurora. I'll tell the Doctor. _(goes towards bath-room door)_ + +_(Splashing heard.)_ + +He's very busy--but---- + +_(Louder splashing.)_ + +Ruby. Pray don't disturb him. + +_(Bell rings.)_ + +Pearl. We don't want to see him _just_ yet. We'll wait + +_(Exit Aurora.)_ + +That stupid cabman never suspected anything. He called him "Mum." + +_(Both laugh.)_ + +Ruby. Let's bring her in now, before Jack comes in. + +_(Enter Aurora. followed by Flo.)_ + +Aurora. I'll tell the Doctor. _(goes to bath room)_ E's _very_ +busy now--but---- + +_(Splashing heard.)_ + +Flora. _(to Aurora)_ Not yet--I want to speak to these ladies +first. + +Ruby. _(backing down stage astonished, to Pearl)_ Miss Garden! +What does she want to come for--and spoil our fun? + +Pearl. _(to Flo)_ You said you had a headache, and were going to +lie down. + +Ruby. _(to Flo)_ Yes, that was only an excuse for coming to see +Jack. + +Aunt. _(aside)_ She calls him Jack! + +Aurora. _(aside)_ I must 'ear this--it's all for 'im. _(stays at +back, pretending to tidy)_ + +Flora. It was no excuse at all. I was pulling the blind down to +darken the room, when I saw you two horrid things crossing the +road to this house--when you _said_ you were going shopping. That +was only an excuse to come and flirt with _my_ Jack! + +Aunt. _(aside)_ Oh, he's _her_ Jack, is he? + +Flora. And I followed you, though my head's splitting, for I love +him with all my heart, and I won't let _anyone_ come between us. + +_(Aurora gasps.)_ + +Ruby. You brazen girl, and you're married to his greatest friend! + +Flora. I'm not! _(descends on Ruby)_ + +Ruby. You know you are! Pa said so! + +Flora. Did he? Then he basely betrayed my husband's sacred +confidence, _(crosses back again)_ + +Pearl. _(with sarcasm)_ Your husband's sacred confidence! If +you're really a respectable married woman, my dear Miss Garden, +instead of coming here to slander my father, you'd better go +back and lie down. + +Flora. And leave you alone with my Jack? No, thank you! What are +_you_, I'd like to know? Two horrid fast girls who ran away with +two young men only this morning, and had to be locked up. + +Aunt. _(aside)_ And _these_ are my nephew's _friends!_ + +Flora. And you picked the lock with a hairpin, and came here all +alone to flirt with my Jack! + +Ruby. _Your_ Jack? How dare you! _(crosses to Flo and comes +back)_ He's my Jack! + +_(Aurora gasps again.)_ + +Aunt. _(aside)_ Oh, he's her Jack now! It gets worse and worse! + +Pearl. To be strictly accurate, Doctor Sheppard is our Jack! + +Aunt. _(aside)_ Our Jack! This is too much! + +_(Aurora gasps louder.)_ + +Flora. What do you mean? + +Pearl. It is my father's wish that one of us should marry him. + +Aurora. _(screams)_ Oh, 'Evvings! They're going to marry my Jack! +_(coming down--falls on her knees facing audience C.)_ + +Aunt. _(aside)_ Her Jack! That's four of them! They all love +Jack! + +Flora. _(to Aurora)_ Your Jack! + +Aurora. _(kneeling)_ Yuss! I love Mm with a secret passion and I +don't care who knows it! _(rises)_ + +Aunt. It's a perfect harem! _(makes her escape towards door and +Exits still unobserved.)_ + +Aurora. _(C.)_ Don't you think because I'm only a servant, a +common slavey with Ł5 a year and a 'alf a pound o' sugar a week, +that I'm a-goin' to 'ave the _dear doctor_ took from me! + +Flora. How dare you love him! + +Aurora. And why not? 'Cos I wears a cap? Look 'ere! you three +girls is all settin' your caps at 'im. I'm in it too. _(throws +down cap)_--and I chucks darn the gimlet. + +Pearl. You little stupid! + +Aurora. _(crying)_ Yuss! I know I'm a little stupid, but which o' +you would put yer 'ole soul into cleanin' 'is boots, as I does? +Which o' you would buy 'im wittles out o' yer perks as _I_ does? +I may be a little stoopid, but I loves 'im more than all of yer +put together, and I'll struggle with yer, see if I don't! + +_(Exit Aurora.)_ + +Ruby. _(to Flo)_ Are you going, Miss Garden, or are you not? + +Pearl. It'll make your headache much worse if you stay here. + +Flora. I shall ask the doctor to give me something to send it +away, _(makes herself comfortable on sofa, back to Pearl)_ + +Pearl. _(to Ruby)_ Isn't she a spiteful little cat! + +Ruby. _(to Pearl)_ Never mind, she shan't interfere with our fun; +we can't leave those two sitting in that four-wheeler all day. +_(rises, comes to Pearl)_ + +Pearl. No, come along, We'll go and tell "auntie" to come in. + +_(Exeunt Ruby and Pearl.)_ + +Flora. _(aside)_ I'll make Jack explain about those girls, or +I'll break off our--our honeymoon; they talk as if he was engaged +to both of them. Now I know why he was so desperately anxious to +hide me when their father called. + +_(Enter Doctor. in pyjamas and eccentric Turkish dressing gown, +rubbing his head with a towel--Flo doesn't see him.)_ + +Oh, Jack, jack, I never thought you'd turn out such a monster as +this! + +Doctor. _(surprised to see her)_ Good afternoon, _(fumbles for +his eye-glass which is hanging down his back)_ + +What can I do for------_(recognizes her)_ My darling wife! This +is a pleasant surprise. + +Flora. _(starting up)_ Go away, you object! _(crosses R. )_ It's +not a _pleasant_ surprise, and I'm _not_ your wife any longer! I +know all--oh, Jack! + +Doctor. _(aside)_ Those precious jewels have said something. +Confound them! _(advancing to her, timidly)_ My dear Flo, if you +will only give me time, I can explain everything! + +Flora. _(eagerly)_ Oh, do, Jack, do! _(rushes into his arms)_ + +_(Enter Ruby and Pearl.)_ + +Ruby. _(seeing Doctor and Flo together)_ Oh, we didn't know you +were engaged. + +Pearl. There's another lady wants to see you. + +Flora. _(jealously)_ _Another_ lady? _(turns away)_ + +Doctor. _(eagerly)_ In hysterics? + +Pearl. No--in a four-wheeler. + +Ruby. She said she'd rung twice, but couldn't make anyone hear. + +Doctor. Tupper's never awake when the bell rings. I'll discharge +that boy--at least my _half_ of him! + +Ruby. I told her I'd see if you were disengaged, and she +scribbled her name on her card; here it is. _(reads)_ Miss +Susannah Sheppard! + +Doctor and Flora. Auntie! + +Doctor. _(to Flo)_ She mustn't see me like this--_(looks at the +dressing gown)_--and she mustn't see you _at all_, you must fly! + +Flora. _(clinging to Jack, who is pale and agitated)_ Oh, Jack! +I can't go and leave you with them, _(looking at Ruby and Pearl)_ +Can't you say that I'm one of your patients? + +Doctor. Good idea, how clever of you. Get back there, _(on +operating couch)_ + +Ruby. Oh, what fun! Let's all be patients! _(nudges Pearl)_ + +_(Ruby and Pearl sit down and pretend to be suffering.)_ + +Doctor. _(to girls)_ All right! All be patients. It'll impress +auntie, _(takes off dressing-gown and flings it into bathroom, +is just going in--stops)_ No! No time to change, _(snatches his +frock coat off chair, and buttons it over his pyjamas)_ Remember! +This is the supreme moment of my life. Whatever I say to +you--whatever I _do_ to you--you mustn't mind. + +Ruby and Pearl. We won't, _(stifling a laugh)_ + +Doctor. Hush! + +_(Enter Andrew dressed as Aunt, followed by Waverly.)_ + +_(to Andrew)_ My dear aunt, I'm so glad to see you. Won't you sit +down? _(leads him down to sofa)_ + +_(Pearl runs to Waverly, and drags him down O. P. corner.)_ + +Pearl. Come and sit here! Pretend to be a patient! Waver. Why? + +_(Pearl explains in dumb show.)_ + +Doctor. _(at settee to Andrew)_ I must apologize for this +worn-out attire--I'm always worn out on Friday, my worst day. I +wish you'd come _any other day_. No! I don't mean that! I mean +I'm awfully glad you've come to-day, but I'm awfully sorry I'm so +busy I can't talk to you. No, no! I don't mean that! I mean I'm +awfully glad, of course, that I'm so busy I can't talk to you! +No, no, of course I don't mean that--I mean--I don't quite know +what I do mean. You see it's Friday--oh! what a fool she must +think me! Will you excuse me just two minutes while I settle off +a few patients? + +_(Trio 1st laugh--Doctor crosses quickly to them.)_ + +_(aside to them, softly)_ Don't laugh at her! and don't look so +beastly healthy! Look pale! Faint! Do _something!_ + +_(Bus.--Ruby makes a sling for her arm out of her handkerchief.)_ + +_(crosses quickly back to Aunt)_ I'm so sorry to keep you +waiting, my dear aunt; won't you amuse yourself with a book or +something? _(goes to couch at back, fetches "Quayle on Muscles," +comes back quickly to Aunt, opens it)_ Here you are. _(shuts it +quickly and shies it down, aside)_ What _do_ ladies read? + +_(Crosses quickly to Pearl. who is reading "Pink 'Un," snatches +it from her.)_ + +Thank you very much, _(crosses quickly to Aunt)_ Here you are, +aunt, this is a lady's paper! _(gives it to her and runs to Flo +at back--aside anxiously)_ I'll explain everything when they've +gone! _(loudly, holding her hand)_ Ah! your nerves are run down a +little, _(goes to medicine chest)_ + +_(Trio 2nd laugh.)_ + +Confound those Plant girls--I'll pay them out! _(flings roll of +lint at Pearl. then pours sal volatile from bottle into measuring +glass, then into tumbler, adds a little water--to Flo)_ There! +drink that! You'll soon be better. + +_(During this Bus. Pearl picks up roll of lint, puts a bandage +round Waverly's face--Ruby steals across stage and kisses +Andrew--Doctor turns round just after.)_ + +Ruby. _(C., confused, comes to table)_ Could you take my case +next, doctor? I'm so bad! + +Doctor. You are. _(Bus.--with stethoscope)_ I mean--with +pleasure! I'll write you a prescription, _(writes)_ I should +advise a long voyage with a merry companion. + +_(Andrew shakes his fist at Doctor unobserved by him.)_ + +Better start at once, _(hands her prescription, saying aside)_ +Go! _(rings bell on table)_ + +_(Enter Tupper.)_ + +Show this lady to her carriage, Tupper. + +_(Ruby doesn't move from table.)_ + +_(aside)_ Go! Go! What are you waiting for? + +Ruby. _(aside to him, stifling a laugh)_ My sister, of course. +I'm not going to leave her here, _(crosses C., then on to +Andrew)_ + +Doctor. Pray don't. + +_(Doctor rushes at Pearl. who is hobbling across stage on +Waverly's walking stick and takes stick from her.)_ + +_(aside)_ Do you want to give me away to my aunt? + +_(then loudly)_ I'll write to your school mistress about you. I +think a little physical treatment _locally applied_ _(brandishing +stick)_ will put you right very soon. Good afternoon, _(aside)_ +Go! Go! _both_ of you! _(rings bell)_ + +_(Re-enter Tupper.)_ + +More carriages for this lady, Tupper. _(to Pearl)_ You needn't +wait, little girl. + +Pearl. I shall wait for Mr. Vane; and I won't be called a little +girl! _(goes to Ruby)_ + +_(Bell rings.)_ + +Doctor. _(getting desperate)_ Shall I never get rid of 'em! +_(rushes at Vane and grips him by the arm)_ I'll take you next, +sir. _(loudly)_ + +_(Waverly laughs.)_ + +Stop that infernal laughing. I know my aunt will see through it +soon, _(punches him on back)_ + +_(Waverly cries out.)_ + +Ah, it's still there! _(loudly)_ That'll have to come out! +_(punches him harder)_ + +_(Waverly cries louder.)_ + +Yes! _(severely)_ We must remove that at once. Step into my +operating room. + +_(Drags him oft to bath-room--opens door, turns on taps and +leaves them running. Waverly runs back to his chair, Doctor runs +back after him.)_ + +Come along, now--be a man! Waver. Not to-day, thank you all the +same. + +_(Enter Aunt, shown in by Tupper.)_ + +Aunt. _(C.)_ I'll give him _one last chance_. + +Doctor. _(seeing her--rushes at her--aside to her)_ Take 'em off, +you fool! She's come! Take 'em off, I say, or I'll take 'em off +for you! + +_(Andrew starts up and takes his bonnet and wig off.)_ + +Andrew. _(calls loudly)_ Jack! Jack! + +_(Doctor far too preoccupied to hear him, pushes Aunt into +bath-room--she falls head foremost into bath, her heels go +up--loud splash. Doctor bangs door, turns round, sees Andrew.)_ + +Doctor. _(aghast)_ Merry Andrew!!! + +Andrew. Yes, Dull Boy! + +Doctor. Then who's in here? _(opens door)_ + + +TABLEAU. + +_(Flo rushes into bath-room and shuts door quickly.)_ + +CURTAIN. + + + + +ACT III. + +Scene.--The same as Acts I and II. + +_(Doctor discovered alone, in frock coat and pyjama trousers, and +just going to knock at bath-room door.)_ + +Doctor. _(hand up, listening)_ I must apologize to her! No, I +simply daren't, _(comes down C.)_ It was such an awful thing to +do, I'll--I'll wait till Flo comes out to--to tell me how +she is. _(listens)_ No, I can't. I know! I'll go to her in my +professional capacity! _(puts on high hat, and does to door, just +going to knock, looks at pyjamas)_ I can't go in these. Where +are my trousers? _(looks round)_ Of course, in there! _(points +to bathroom)_ I know! I'll go to ask for my trousers! _(same +Bus.--about to knock)_ No that's a silly idea! I'm losing +my wits, _(comes down C. and sits at writing table)_ Suppose +something happens to her? There'll be an inquest, and it'll be +all in the papers: "Brutal Conduct of a West End Doctor.." Oh, my +cup of misery is full! + +_(Enter Aurora with telegram.)_ + +Aurora. _(to Doctor)_ Here you are, doctor--a telegram for you, +sir. We are busy to-day! + +Doctor. _(opens telegram, starts, aside)_ From my father-in-law. +_(reads to himself)_ "Have learnt from local registrar your +cowardly conduct in eloping with my daughter--am on my way to +London to horsewhip you." + +Aurora. _(cheerily)_ Any answer, sir? _(C.)_ + +Doctor. _(gloomily)_ No! It's nothing--only an appointment--I +shan't keep it. + +Aurora. Don't look so sad, sir. + +_(Music upstairs heard off, some appropriate music-hall tune.)_ + +You go h'upstairs to the tea-fight. 'Ere's yer invite. _(takes +card off mantel)_ There's plenty to eat and drink and nothin' to +pay; you done quite enough work for one day, sir. + +Doctor. Quite! + +_(Bath-room bell rings.)_ + +Aurora. _(mystified)_ That's your bath-room bell a-ringing, sir. + +Doctor. _(funereally)_ Yes! Answer it. + +Aurora. _(hesitating)_ Who's inside, sir? + +Doctor. Two ladies. + +Aurora. Two of 'em--oh, doctor! + +_(Enter Flo, from bath-room, with bundle of Aunt's clothes, +dripping wet.)_ + +Doctor. _(penitently)_ My dear Flo, let me help you! + +Flora. _(indignantly to Doctor)_ Don't touch me! I wonder +you aren't ashamed to. This is your work! _(crosses to Aurora +quietly)_ Take these, and dry them as quickly as possible! + +Doctor. Flo! My darling, won't you give me one word? + +Flora. Brute! + +_(Exit Flo. into bathroom, banging door after her.)_ + +Doctor. Got it! + +Aurora. Oh, sir, what 'ave you been a-doin' of? + +Doctor. Don't ask silly questions. Do as you're told. I don't +know what it is, but do it! + +Aurora. _(aside)_ If the missus sees these she'll turn the dear +doctor into the street. I know she will! But she shan't see 'em, +if I can 'elp it. _(hugs them closely)_ It's all for 'im! Oh, +ain't they wet, but they can't squelch the flame that's burnin' +'ere for the dear doctor. _(coming down)_ I must tell him, I +must! _(throws wet clothes down on stage)_ + +Mrs. O'H. _(heard off)_ H'Aurora! + +Aurora. Yus, mum! _(hides clothes behind her)_ + +_(Enter Mrs. O'Hara.)_ + +Mrs. O'H. 'Ow dare you wait on lodgers as can't pay their rint? +_(by sofa)_ Go h'upstairs and wait on my lady friends. + +_(Exit Aurora.)_ + +_(leans on back of sofa, to Doctor)_ Pardon me for callin' when +you're so busy, _(with sarcasm)_ + +Doctor. _(absent-minded)_ Don't mention it. Won't you sit down? +Now, what can I--oh, it's the landlady! + +Mrs. O'H. Quite a _stream_ of patients! + +Doctor. _(absently)_ Oh, yes! Flowing in--simply flowing in! + +Mrs. O'H. I'm glad to 'ear it. If a man can't h'earn a honest +livin' at your time of life, 'e may as lief--_(hiccough)_--drown +'isself. + +Doctor. _(aside)_ "Drown"--the water-cure--_my_ cure! + +Mrs. O'H. I needn't remind you as it's Lady Day. + +Doctor. _(picking up pile of bills)_ No, I've been reminded, but +I'm afraid I must trouble you to wait. + +Mrs. O'H. _Ho, of course!_ The pore lone widder must always wait. + +Doctor. I wish the lone widder would go to the devil! + +Mrs. O'H. As I was just remargin' to Widder Smith, as is +honnering my party h'upstairs-- + +Doctor. _(rising)_ Don't let me keep you from your friends, +_(half rising)_ They'll be getting impatient. + +Mrs. O'H. _(rising)_ H'impatient indeed. _(crosses C.)_ Their +company manners is just as good as _your_ friends, _I'll_ +warrant. Which reminds me that Widder Smith 'as met you in +_(hiccough)_ in sassiety. + +Doctor. _(absently)_ Widow Smith? _(shakes his head)_ Never heard +her name. + +Mrs. O'H. Ho! of course not! _(comes to him)_ You'll say next you +never gave her a bath--_(hiccoughs)_ + +Doctor _(rises, astonished)_ Gave her a bath? + +Mrs. O'H. _(very indignant)_ A bath bun--I was a-goin' to say, +and a cup o' coffee, at the Penny Reading--_(crosses C. again)_ + +Doctor. _(smiling grimly)_ Oh, I remember that Penny Reading--I +gave a comic recitation--it _was_ funny! _(sits again)_ + +Mrs. O'H. Fairly so, she says, 'for a hamatoor. Somethin' about +the water-cure, wasn't it? + +Doctor. _(writhing)_ I believe it was. _(aside)_ The water-cure! +It's fate! + +Mrs. O'H. Well, out o' charity to a pore lodger as can't pay +'is rent, I'm goin' to take yer h'upstairs to to say that there +recitltation to my lady friends. Come along! + +Doctor. _(rising)_ No, no, I'm not in a funny humour! + +Mrs. O'H. Ho! but I'm going to take 'arf a crown off the +rint-book for yer doin' of it--ap come along! _(drags him)_ + +Doctor. No, no--I really can't--I've had a terribly busy day and +I'm too--tired! + +Mrs. O'H. Too proud, you mean. But, mark my word, if you don't +come h'up-- + +Doctor. _(aside, absently)_ I _shall_ come _h'up_ three times. + +Mrs. O'H. Your pride'll 'ave a fall, and a very 'umblin' fall! + +_(Exit Mrs. O'Hara, with dignity.)_ + +Doctor. _(alone)_ I wonder if the fall from the Albert Suspension +is worse than Waterloo Bridge? _(sits looking miserable)_ + +_(Enter Aurora. looking more miserable.)_ + +Aurora. _(aside)_ It's now or never. I must tell 'im, I must. + +Doctor _(aside)_ I wonder if I ought to keep that appointment +with my father-in-law first. No! I'll spare him the trouble. + +Aurora. _(aside)_ Now, when I come to think of it, there's not +only them three girls settin' their frills at 'im, but there's +the lady without any clothes in there, _(points to bathroom)_ +That's four of 'em, but I'll struggle with the lot. + +Doctor. _(aside)_ I'll go now. _(rises)_ Oh, I do feel so +nervous, _(pours out whiskey, going to add water)_ N--no! I shall +get enough water afterwards, _(drinks)_ + +Aurora. _(aside)_ I'll be 'is patient! They all do it that way. +I've learnt the symptoms off the letter, I'll see if I know 'em. +_(repeats them to herself with action)_ + +Doctor. _(aside)_ Courage, courage! _(strikes his chest, going)_ +No, I can't go in these! _(looks at pyjamas)_ I can't drown +myself in pyjamas, and I've left my only trousers in there, and +I can't get 'em--how--how very annoying, _(sits again, much +relieved)_ I can't drown myself. + +Aurora. _(standing C. end of sofa, leaning head on cushion)_ Ho, +sir, I do feel queer. + +Doctor. _(looking round)_ What's the matter? + +Aurora. I'ye got all sorts of normal fancies, an'-- +longin's--hawful longin's, sir--I think I'm longin' to drown +myself. + +Doctor. _(suddenly)_ Don't say that! I'm surprised at you--don't +you know it's only cowards who want to drown themselves. Come +now, sit down! What's the trouble, eh? + +Aurora. _(vacantly)_ The trouble, sir? + +Doctor. What can I _do_ for you? + +Aurora. I dunno, sir, what _can_ you do for me? + +Doctor. No, you don't understand. What are your symptoms? + +Aurora. _(effusively)_ Oh!! My symptoms, sir? _(aside)_ I know +'em all by 'eart! _(whispers in his ear)_ + +Doctor. Most extraordinary! I've heard of a case exactly like +that. Whose was it? _(sees letter on table)_ Of course! The lady +in Grosvenor Road. My only patient, and I'd forgotten her! I must +pull myself together. I've got my work to do--my work, _(picks up +aunt's letter)_ "The noble work of alleviating human suffering!" +Ah, that's what she said--before she had a bath--_(looks +at bathroom, sighs. To Aurora)_ Aurora. your case is deeply +interesting. + +Aurora. Oh, thank you, sir. + +Doctor. It's complicated. + +Aurora. It's 'oo, sir? _(crosses C.)_ + +Doctor. It's complicated! + +Aurora. Oh, it is _that_, sir. + +Doctor. Now tell me. _(Bus. with scribbling block)_ Do you suffer +from your heart? + +Aurora. Oh, don't sir. _(simpers)_ My 'eart, oh, don't I just! +You 'ark at it, sir! _(rushes at him, jumps on his knee, and +presses his head to her heart)_ It goes bumpity-bump, and it's +all for you, sir, all for you. + +_(Enter Flo. from bathroom.)_ + +I loves yer! _(wildly)_ + +_(Flo. shrieks, and enter Aunt quickly from bathroom in Doctor's +Turkish bath-towel dressing gown, and wearing his Turkish +smoking-cap and bedroom slippers.)_ + +Aunt. _(severely)_ What does this mean? + +Aurora. _(looking at Aunt)_ What is it? I shall go off into +highstrikes in a minute, I know I shall. + +Aunt. _(more severely)_ Answer me, sir, what does this mean? +_(crosses to sofa)_ + +_(Aurora goes off into hysterics lying on sofa.)_ + +Doctor. _(looking at Aurora)_ I--I don't quite know. I think it's +some form of hysteria, _(bending over her)_ + +Aurora. _(suddenly recovering and sitting up)_ It's a complicated +case, mum. _(laughs and falls back)_ + +Aunt. _(to Aurora)_ Hold your tongue! _(to Doctor)_ coward! to +try to sneak out of it like that! I've done with you. + +Flora. _(bursting into tears)_ So have I! _(crosses C. to meet +Aunt)_ + +Aunt. Don't cry, dear--he's not worth it. + +Flora. _(quickly)_ Oh, but he is--that's the worst of it. + +Aunt. _(aside)_ I'll save this sweet girl from him, my way. _(to +Flo.)_ Go in there, dear, while I talk to him. + +_(Exit Flo. into bathroom.)_ + +Aurora. _(behind Doctor)_ Buck up, sir--I'll stand by yer. + +_(Aunt descends upon him, he backs into Aurora. Bus. [ad lib.])_ + +Aunt. So, sir, you're not satisfied with your outrageous +treatment of me--your loving aunt, who came to London to be your +best friend--_(C.)_ + +Doctor. If you'll only give me---- + +Aunt. Hold your tongue sir, I won't give you anything _(L. C.)_ + +Aurora. Give 'im a chance, mum, that don't cost nothin'--_(end of +sofa)_ + +Aunt. Silence, the pair of you! + +Aurora. _(taking Doctor's arm--looks up at him lovingly)_ "The +pair of us!" + +Aunt. You shameless Don Juan; you've bragged to me about your +goings on with two sailor girls---- + +Aurora. 'Tain't 'is fault, mum, they will kiss 'im! _(c.)_ + +Aunt. Silence! You're breaking the heart of that dear girl +in there, _(pointing to bathroom)_ Who's worth a hundred such +creatures as _you_--a murderer who tried to drown his own aunt! + +Aurora. Drown yer! Why, the dear doctor wouldn't drown a kitten, +and you ain't no kitten, 'Amlet! + +Aunt. _(furious)_ And to crown all--I find you in the arms of +this---- + +Aurora. This! Who are you callin' "this?" + +Aunt. A disreputable Pimlico lodging-house kitchen girl! +_(crosses R. and back again)_ + +Aurora. 'Ere! Cheese it! I may be a kitchen girl, but I ain't +disreputable! + +Aunt. _(very furious)_ There's only one thing left for you to do, +sir. + +Doctor. _I_ know--the water cure! + +Aunt. You shall marry this girl, sir. + +Aurora. _(in a dream)_ Marry the dear doctor! + +Doctor. _(aghast)_ Marry--Aurora! + +_(Aurora turns away delighted.)_ + +_(aside)_ I'd rather drown myself! _(crosses R. corner)_ Aunt. +Yes, and I'll make you do it. _(with scorn)_ + +She's a fit--- + +Aurora _(surprised--kneels)_ Oh, thank you for those blessed +words, mum! You darlin' lady! I'll go and see to your clothes +now, auntie! _(going, comes back)_ Kiss me, Jack! Kiss your +Financy! + +_(Doctor leans with his back to table--Aurora climbs up on table +and kisses him.)_ + +_(aside)_ I'm a lady at larst!' + +_(Exit Aurora.)_ + +Aunt. Who's that poor girl in there? _(pointing to bathroom)_ + +Doctor. _(absently)_ Oh, that is Miss Garden. + +Aunt. _(seating herself end of sofa, and putting rug over her, +aside)_ She shall come and live with me! I know what it is to +have loved a worthless man! _(looks severely at Doctor)_ I pity +her! + +Doctor. _(very timidly)_ Aunt, may I explain? I'm +not----_(crosses to sofa)_ + +Aunt. _(loudly)_ Silence, sir! + +_(Enter Plant with bag, hurriedly, shown in by Tupper.)_ + +Plant. _(not seeing Aunt, meets Doctor going towards door)_ Bear +up, Jack, I've bad news for you--Miss Garden's bolted--gone back +to her husband, I'm afraid. + +Aunt. Her husband? + +Plant. _(staggered, recovers himself)_ My dear Miss Sheppard! +_(aside to Doctor)_ What's the matter with her? + +Doctor. I don't know--complicated case. + +Plant. Ahem! So this joyful meeting between aunt and nephew +has taken place--how I wish I'd been here to witness it--and my +daughters, too. _(to Aunt)_ They're devoted to dear Jack. Ah, I'm +afraid the rascal means to rob me of one of my precious jewels. +He's a gray dog! + +_(Doctor looks anything out gay.)_ + +Aunt. _(aside)_ The sailor girls. They're his daughters! _(cross +to fireplace)_ Ugh! + +Plant. _(aside to Doctor)_ Is the old girl ill? What's up? + +_(Doctor is silent.)_ + +Ah, but he'll be a great physician--ahem--some day. _(aside to +Doctor)_ When the daisies are growing over auntie, eh? _(end of +sofa)_ Aunt. _(severely)_ John! + +_(Doctor doesn't move.)_ + +Plant. _(same tone)_ John! + +_(Doctor turns.)_ + +Aunt. John, leave us! + +_(Doctor rises as if in a dream, shakes hands with Plant at end +of sofa, and goes towards bathroom where Flo. went out.)_ + +John! + +_(He turns.)_ + +Not _that_ way, sir! _(points door R. I. E.)_ + +_(Doctor exits below R. I. E.)_ + +Plant. _(aside)_ He's upset her, somehow--I wonder how? Ah, well, +I must pour oil on the troubled waters. _(to Aunt)_ A Wonderful +character--er--John. I congratulate you on having such a +nephew--he combines all the tenderness of a woman with the more +muscular qualities of a man. Did I tell you the story of his +kindness to the milkman's baby? + +Aunt. _(loudly)_ Bother the milkman's baby! _(sits sofa)_ + +Plant. Certainly--er--bother the milkman's baby. _(aside)_ She's +strangely cross to-day. + +Aunt. I told you to draw up a deed settling a thousand a year on +my nephew. + +Plant. _(producing it blandly--Bus.--bag C. table)_ And I have +consumed the midnight oil to complete it. + +_(He hands it to her, over back of sofa, she pitches it into the +fire--he tries to snatch it out.)_ + +My dear lady, that document's worth a lot of money! _(rushes +round sofa)_ + +Aunt. Let it alone! + +Plant. _(aside)_ It's all off! + +_(Aunt is poking vigorously, she hits Plant on purpose----)_ + +_(hops away, rubbing his leg)_ I'm in a damned awkward corner. +My dear Miss Sheppard, I fail to comprehend the meaning of your +action. If ever there was a gentleman Sheppard it's your dear +nephew. + +Aunt. Tell that to the--the--milkman's baby. I could tell you a +story of my nephew that would freeze your blood, _(gesticulates +with poker)_ + +Plant. You astound me--any insanity in the family? + +Aunt. _(L. C, rising indignantly)_ Mr. Plant! + +Plant. No, no, of course not--I beg pardon--_(sees she is wearing +Doctor's bath-towel dressing gown---aside)_ By George! it looks +like it, though! What has happened? + +Aunt. Who's Miss Garden's husband? _(back to fireplace)_ + +Plant. _(R. C, aside)_ Ahem! I must make a bit out of this, +anyway. My dear lady, I mustn't betray a professional confidence, +by mentioning his name, _(aside)_ Even if I knew it, which I +don't, _(to her)_ But, strictly between ourselves, he's Jack's +greatest friend. + +Aunt. She's married to Jack's greatest friend? + +Plant. Yes--a lieutenant in the navy. + +Aunt. Disgraceful! _(crosses to table)_ + +Plant. Yes, _(at sofa)_ I mustn't say more, _(aside)_ Don't know +any more, _(to her)_ You see, she's a client of mine--of course +I shall try and save Jack from the Divorce Court, but it's gone +rather far, and these things cost money, you know. + +Aunt. What do you mean? _(end of sofa)_ + +Plant. Only this afternoon I found her concealed on that +couch--beneath that very rug you're now wearing-- + +_(Bus.--Aunt flings it off.)_ + +--and; when I remonstrated with Jack--as a father--_(end of +sofa)_ he actually tried to pass her off as an Anatomical model. + +Aunt. _(at table, back to fire)_ Then, why do you call him a +'Gentle Sheppard?' Every word you say only makes it worse. + +Plant. _(aside)_ Ahem! I've gone too far! _(crosses to R.)_ + +Aunt. Bad as he is, I shall do my duty by him--I'm going to find +him a wife. + +Plant. I'm afraid he can't support a wife--yet. + +Aunt. I shall settle an income on her--she'll take better care of +it. _(crosses to sofa)_ + +Plant _(aside)_ It's all on again, _(to her, crosses to table +C.)_ A noble resolve, _(gets out pocket-book)_ Shall I take your +instructions now? How much shall I say? + +Aunt. Not yet. _(crosses C.)_ I want you to send your daughters +to me. _(crosses to sofa, puts sofa cushions behind her head. +Only the Doctor's cap is visible to anyone entering room)_ + +Plant. With pleasure! _(aside, putting up pocketbook)_ I've done +the trick, _(to her)_ Two dear girls, who have never caused me a +moment's uneasiness all their blameless lives. + +_(Enter Mrs. O'Hara, sees fez, and naturally takes Aunt for +Doctor.)_ + +Mrs. O'H. Now, then, Doctor. me an' my friends are all waitin' +upstairs to 'ear the funny story. + +Plant. What funny story? + +Mrs. O'H. About the Lady and the Water Cure. + +Aunt. _(aside)_ The Lady and the Water Cure? That's me. _(jumping +up)_ I forbid Doctor Sheppard to tell that story! + +Mrs. O'H. _(seeing her for the first time)_ And who are you when +you're at home? I took you for the doctor. 'Ow dare you come +to my 'ouse, dressed in that indecent way? _(crosses C.)_ We're +respectable in Marmalade Street--I'm ashamed of my lodger for +lettin' you in--'e just shall tell that story now, or pay 'is +rint. + +Aunt. There is my lawyer--he'll pay your rent. + +Plant. Certainly. Come with me, old fireworks! + +Mrs. O'H. Thank you, sir--you're a gentleman! + +_(Exeunt Plant and Mrs. O'Hara.)_ + +Aunt. _(alone C.)_ Actually going to make fun of me before a +lot of vulgar people to get out of paying his, rent, is there +anything he won't do? _(sits in grand-father's chair)_ + +_(Enter Andrew.)_ + +Andrew. _(seeing Aunt's cap, mistakes her for the Doctor)_ I say, +Dull Boy, where is she? Still in the bath? _(roars)_ + +_(Aunt does not move.)_ + +_(aside, Bus. fills pipe, etc.)_ He's got the hump! Poor Jack! +I say, I'm awfully sorry I've got you into such a deuce of a +scrape, but you know you distinctly said the old lady wasn't +coming till to-morrow. + +Aunt. _(aside)_ Old lady! + +Andrew. And to-night we said we'd have one jolly good caper for +the last. Now, did we say so, or did we not? _(pause)_ You won't +speak to me? Well, I dare-say I deserve it, and I'm awfully +sorry, but you know if I'd had the slightest notion she'd turn up +to-day, I'd never have dressed up like that picture. + +Aunt. _(aside)_ Like what picture? + +Andrew. But, by George, it was a lark when the old girl came, and +you thought she was me dressed up--and you--oh, lor! _(laughs)_ + +Aunt. _(aside)_ I begin to understand! _(smiles at audience)_ + +Andrew. _(up stage)_ Oh, don't be so beastly serious, there's no +harm done. I'll put matters right with your aunt--you say she's +an awfully good sort, and a sailor can always get the soft side +of a lady--so come! Give us your hand and say you forgive. + +_(Pause--Aunt doesn't move.)_ + +Oh, come on! _(digs her in the ribs)_ + +Aunt. _(jumping up)_ Sir! + +Andrew. _(staggered)_ Oh, Susannah! _(R. C.)_ + +Aunt. Sir! + +Andrew. I didn't mean you--I always say that--I mean--I'm most +awfully sorry--can you forgive me? _(end of sofa)_ + +Aunt. I can and do, because I'm so delighted to find that I've +misjudged Jack, and that you were the real culprit. Pray tell me +to whom I am indebted for the unexpected pleasure of my bath? + +Andrew. My name's Andrew Merry, I'm Jack's greatest friend. + +Aunt. His greatest friend? Are you a lieutenant in the navy? + +Andrew. I have that honor. + +Aunt. What shall I do? I have it. _(crosses to bathroom)_ I've a +great surprise for you--but you must not think any the worse of +her--she's here with me--_(opens bathroom door)_ Come in, my +dear. + +_(Enter Flo.)_ + +There! _(points to Andrew)_ Kiss him and make it up! + +Andrew. Oh, Susannah! + +Flora. _(C. aghast)_ Kiss him? I've never seen this gentleman +before. + +Aunt. Mr. Plant told me you were man and wife. + +Flora. Mr. Plant would say anything horrid! + +Andrew. Oh, thanks! + +Flora. He wants one of his daughters to marry Jack. + +Andrew. Does he? Well, Ruby's engaged to me, and Pearl--well, +don't worry about her, and as for dear old Jack, he's only cared +for one girl all his life. I've never seen her yet--but he's told +me more than once that her name was Flora Garden. + +Flora. I'll never be jealous again! + +Aunt. _(aside)_ Jack's not so bad after all! + +_(Andrew crosses r. of table. Enter Aurora dressed very grandly +and eccentrically, orange blossoms in her hair and wearing her +diamond paste combs--she carries a bundle of clothes.)_ + +Aurora. _(to Aunt, affectionately)_ 'Ere you are, mum, 'ere's +your clothes--auntie! _(hands clothes to Aunt)_ + +_(Flo. takes them and exits into bathroom.)_ + +_(calls after her)_ 'Ere, they won't fit you! 'Ow can I thank +you? You done it all, mum. The dear doctor's never give me the +slightest encouragement of a word or a look. + +Aunt. _(with blank astonishment)_ He never has? + +Aurora. No, mum. It was all a one side, and I should never 'ave +'ooked him if you 'adn't said the word. + +Aunt. I breathe again, _(aside)_ Jack's a perfect angel, _(to +Aurora)_ I'll see you again, my good girl, before I go. + +_(Exit Aunt into bathroom.)_ + +Aurora. I 'ope we shall see you h'often when were married. You'll +always be welcome. She don't know what she's done for 'im. _(at +sofa side)_ + +Andrew. I think it's about time I met my future father-in-law--I +shall have two or three things to say to him. + +_(Aurora sits on couch and puts her feet up. Andrew sits in +Doctor's chair. Enter Waverly, shown in by Tupper.)_ + +Waverly. Where's Doctor Sheppard? _(L. C.)_ Andrew. Out. I'm +waiting to tell him the good news--I say, such a lark! + +_(Waverly sits on table.)_ + +I've told auntie all about the bath business by mistake. + +Waverly. By mistake? + +Andrew. Yes, I took her for Jack. + +Waverly. How could you? + +Andrew. She'd got his things on. + +Waverly. _(putting his hand over his face)_ Oh, Susannah! + +_(Enter Doctor R. I. E., sees Aurora on sofa, and rushes off +again, yowling.)_ + +Andrew. _(to Waverly, neither having seen Aurora on sofa)_ Has he +got 'em? Come on, we must tell him the good news. + +_(Exeunt Andrew and Waverly after Doctor R. I. E.)_ + +Aurora. _(alone, fondly)_ My love! Ain't he coy? I like a bashful +lover. It's so gentlemanly, _(sits at writing-table)_ + +_(Enter Tupper excitedly.)_ + +Tupper. Please, sir--_(sees Aurora. laughs)_ Well, you do look a +guy! 'Oiler, boys, 'oiler, 'ere's another guy! + +Aurora. You don't know who you're talking to. I shall be your +missus soon--I'm going to marry the dear doctor! + +Tupper. Oh, don't say that, Aurora! _(cries)_ + +Aurora. Ah, you ain't the only one as'll cry when they 'ear the +news. There's the butcher and the baker and my cousin, in the h'E +division, he'll bust! Poor little Tupper, don't cry. Look +'ere, you shall come and kiss me in the vestry, after it's all +over--that's more than I'll let the butcher do. Buck up, it'll +soon be over-- + +Tupper _(drying eyes)_ Oh, I forgot, there's a servant come from +Grosvenor Road. + +Aurora. Tell 'er to wait. + +Tupper. But she says the lady's going to have a fit! + +Aurora. Tell 'er to wait, we are not to be disturbed. + +Tupper. All right! _(aside)_ Oh, ain't she lovely! She looks like +an 'eavenly h'angel, now I've lorst 'er for h'ever! + +_(Exit Tupper.)_ + +Aurora. _(picks up letter)_ I'll see to her case myself. It wants +a woman in the case. _(Bus.)_ I'll work this business different +when I'm boss. I'll get 'im a lot of patients. + +_(Enter Plant. Ruby and Pearl.)_ + +What! Back again! These visits'll 'ave to be paid for. We don't +give nothing away heah! _(writes on scribbling block)_ To three +consul'ations in one day at a pound a time--and there's three of +yer, three three's--that's eleven--kindly part up! _(knocks on +table)_ + +Plant. My good girl, this is not a professional visit We've come +to see Miss Sheppard. + +Aurora. _(with dignity, sitting at writing table)_ Well, you +can't. Auntie's changing 'er clothes--'as she told yer the news? + +Plant. What news? + +_(Ruby signals to Pearl behind Plant's back.)_ + +Aurora. _(haughtily)_ A mere trifle! There's goin' to be a +weddin' from 'ere very soon. + +Pearl. A wedding? + +Plant. _(to Ruby and Pearl. rubbing his hands, ready to take Ruby +and Pearl over R.)_ What did I tell you? + +Aurora. The dear doctor's the 'appy man! + +Ruby. And who is--the lady? + +Aurora. Ah, how embarrassing! No, you must ask auntie, she'll +tell yer. + +Plant. _(to girls)_ I told you Miss Sheppard wanted to see you +both, _(takes girls R. corner)_ She's going to choose between +you. + +Pearl. Hadn't Jack better do that? _(nudging Ruby)_ + +Plant. There's not time! + +_(Mrs. O'Hara calling off,)_ + +Mrs. O'H. _(off)_ H'Aurora! + +Aurora. _(putting her hair back)_ Thank goodness, I shan't be at +this low game much longer! + +_(Enter Mrs. O'Hara.)_ + +Mrs. O'H. 'Ow dare you dress grander than your missus? Take 'em +off, at once, and put on yer cap, then get along h'upstairs and +wait on my lady friends. _(slaps her shoulder)_ + +Aurora. _(aside)_ Oh, when I 'ave servants of my own, won't I +give 'em O'Hara! + +_(Exeunt Aurora and Mrs. O'Hara L. U. E.)_ + +_(Enter Doctor. Andrew and Waverly R. I. E.)_ + +Plant. Yes, there is time, just time. My dear Jack, there's not +a moment to lose, _(takes him to fireplace)_ The Old girl has cut +you off without a penny. + +_(Doctor falls into his arms.)_ + +Don't give way! _(holds him up)_ There's still hope. My daughters +love you-- + +_(Doctor falls in a heap on the stage.)_ + +--and will marry you without a penny. + +Doctor. _(sitting on stage)_ Both of 'em! + +Plant. No, sir, either of 'em. You've only to choose and your +aunt will forgive you everything--I've arranged it all! Which is +it to be? Quick--your answer! + +Doctor. _(pointing to the two couples)_ There's your answer. + + +TABLEAU. + +Plant. _(seeing Waverly and Andrew for the first time)_ What the +devil's up now? Those dear girls have never given me a moment's +peace in all their blessed lives! + +_(Doctor at table C.)_ + +Pearl. _(comes down)_ Papa, see what Mr. Vane's given me. _(shows +him pearl necklace)_ Precious pearls! Isn't that appropriate? +I think Mr. Vane has something to say to you. _(pushes him +forward)_ + +_(Waverly is silent.)_ + +Plant. Don't speak, sir--I know what you're going to say. + +Waverly. I'm hanged if he does! + +Plant. _(pockets necklace)_ No man shall rob me of my precious +jewel, _(hugs Pearl)_ whoever he is. _(aside to Pearl)_ who is +he? _(passes her over to R.)_ + +Pearl. _(aside to Plant)_ His father's an earl---- + +Plant. _(aside)_ An earl! _(to Waverly, putting out his hand)_ +My dear sir, forgive me--a father's feelings--_(sobs)_ You must +give me time---- + +Waverly. Certainly! There's--there's no hurry! _(crosses L. to +Ruby)_ + +Ruby. _(bringing Andrew down)_ Pa, this is--Andrew! + +Andrew. Mr. Plant--I---- + +Plant. Don't speak, sir--I know what you're going to say! + +Andrew. Does he? + +Plant. _(taking Ruby in his other arm, and hugging the two girls +closely)_ Another thief--after my precious Jewels! _(aside to +Ruby)_ Has he got any money? + +Ruby. _(aside to Plant)_ Lots! + +Plant. _(aside)_ Good! _(aloud)_ You're breaking my heart, +gentlemen, but I mustn't be selfish. Take my precious jewels--and +wear them! I wonder if it would run to a dinner? _(counts his +money)_ No! a lunch! Come to lunch to-morrow, both of you. + +Aurora. _(off)_ Jack! + +_(Enter Aurora. Doctor sees her, and ducks behind curtains +C. hiding from her; she crosses to door R. I. E., and taps +gently--no answer.)_ + +Jack! Where's my Jack? + +Plant. _(looking at Ruby and Pearl)_ Ah, two dear girls who have +never caused me a moment's uneasiness all their blameless lives. + +Aurora. Ho! then it's all to come, for they told me as their pa +'ad set 'is 'eart on their marrying the dear doctor. + +Plant. How dare you! My daughters are Doctor Sheppard's cousins, +and nothing would induce me to sanction a marriage between +cousins, _(going to her)_ You're a very naughty little girl. + +Aurora. _(haughtily, seating herself and spreading her frock +out)_ Little girl! Pardon me, my good man--do you know who +you're talking to? You don't know: my position in this 'ouse. I'm +auntie's choice. + +Plant. Are you? You're not _mine!_ + +Aurora. Yes! She's chosen me to marry the dear doctor! + +_(Ruby and Pearl laugh.)_ + +Let them laugh as wins. You tried your best, but I don't bear no +h'ill-will. I said I'd struggle with yer, and I've done it. If +you're good girls, I may ask you to be bridesmaids--it's better +than nothing, _(crosses L. C.)_ + +Plant. _(to Doctor under table)_ I say, Jack, is this true? You +have my deepest sympathy--and if it should come to a breach of +promise--look me up! + +Doctor. _(coming out)_ If ever I do look you and your precious +jewels up, I'll bring a stick twice as big as yours. + +Plant. And that is gratitude! + +_(Enter Flo. and Aunt--they listen.)_ + +Ruby. _(hotly)_ I don't care _who_ marries Jack! + +Pearl. Nor I--he's not _my_ style! + +Aunt. _(to Doctor)_ This dear girl has told me all about +you--forgive me for my mistakes, but they weren't all my +fault--_(shaking her finger at Andrew)_ I hope you'll have a very +happy married life. + +Aurora. _(crossing)_ I'm sure 'e will. + +Aunt. _(to Doctor)_ I shall do all I can to make it so. + +Aurora. _(coming to her)_ Oh, thank you, mum, and would you +please name the day? + +Doctor. _(absently)_ My wife! _(sees Aurora. shakes her off)_ Oh, +go to! go to--_(goes to Flora)_ _This_ lady is my wife--we were +married this morning. + +Aurora. _My Jack married!_ Then I'm a widder! + +_(She falls flat on the stage.)_ + +CURTAIN. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Oh! Susannah!, by Mark Ambient + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OH! 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