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diff --git a/21849-8.txt b/21849-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d569744 --- /dev/null +++ b/21849-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9189 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The 'Mind the Paint' Girl, by Arthur Pinero + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The 'Mind the Paint' Girl + A Comedy in Four Acts + +Author: Arthur Pinero + +Release Date: June 18, 2007 [EBook #21849] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE 'MIND THE PAINT' GIRL *** + + + + +Produced by Louise Hope, Branko Collin and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + [Transcriber's Note: + + The HTML version of this e-text includes the third-act song + ("If you would only, only love me") in three forms: raw lilypond + (.ly extension, can be converted to other formats), .pdf (image), + and MIDI file. Some sites will allow you to download these files + individually; if so, look in the "files" directory associated with + the HTML text. + + The published play did not include music for the title song ("Mind + the Paint"), sung in Act I. + + Errors are listed at the end of the e-text.] + + + + + THE + "MIND THE PAINT" + GIRL + + + + +_The Plays of Arthur W. Pinero_ + + Paper cover, 1s 6d; cloth, 2s 6d each + + THE TIMES + THE PROFLIGATE + THE CABINET MINISTER + THE HOBBY-HORSE + LADY BOUNTIFUL + THE MAGISTRATE + DANDY DICK + SWEET LAVENDER + THE SCHOOLMISTRESS + THE WEAKER SEX + THE AMAZONS + * THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY + THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH + THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT + THE PRINCESS AND THE BUTTERFLY + TRELAWNY OF THE "WELLS" + + THE GAY LORD QUEX + IRIS + LETTY + A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE + HIS HOUSE IN ORDER + THE THUNDERBOLT + MID-CHANNEL + PRESERVING MR. PANMURE + THE "MIND THE PAINT" GIRL + + * This Play can be had in library form, 4to, cloth, + with a portrait, 5s. + + + A Limited Edition of this play on hand-made paper, + with a new portrait, 10s net. + + + THE PINERO BIRTHDAY BOOK + Selected and Arranged by MYRA HAMILTON + With a Portrait, cloth extra, price 2s 6d. + + + _London: William Heinemann_ + + + + + THE + + "MIND THE PAINT" + + GIRL + + + _A COMEDY_ + _In Four Acts_ + _By ARTHUR PINERO_ + + + London: William Heinemann + MCMXIII + + + + + _Copyright 1912_ + _by Arthur Pinero_ + + + + +_This play was produced in London, at the Duke of York's Theatre, on +Saturday, February 17, 1912; in New York, at the New Lyceum Theatre, +on Monday, September 9, 1912; and in Germany, at the Stadttheater in +Mainz, on Monday, January 13, 1913_ + + + + +_The Persons of the Play_ + + VISCOUNT FARNCOMBE + COLONEL THE HON. ARTHUR STIDULPH + BARON VON RETTENMAYER + CAPTAIN NICHOLAS JEYES + LIONEL ROPER + SAM DE CASTRO + HERBERT FULKERSON + STEWART HENEAGE + GERALD GRIMWOOD + CARLTON SMYTHE (_Manager of the Pandora Theatre_) + DOUGLAS GLYNN, ALBERT PALK, } + WILFRID TAVISH, and } (_Actors at the Pandora_) + SIGISMUND SHIRLEY } + VINCENT BLAND (_A Musical Composer, attached to the Pandora_) + MORRIS COOLING (_Business Manager at the Pandora_) + LUIGI (_Maître d'hôtel at Catani's Restaurant_) + WAITERS + + THE HON. MRS. ARTHUR STIDULPH + (_Formerly, as Dolly Ensor, of the Pandora Theatre_) + LILY PARRADELL } + JIMMIE BIRCH } + GABRIELLE KATO } + ENID MONCRIEFF } + DAPHNE DURE } (_Of the Pandora_) + NITA TREVENNA } + FLO CONNIFY } + SYBIL DERMOTT } + OLGA COOK } + EVANGELINE VENTRIS } + MRS. UPJOHN (LILY PARRADELL's _mother_) + GLADYS (LILY's _parlourmaid_) + MAUD (LILY's _maid_) + +_The action of the piece takes place in London-- at LILY PARRADELL'S +house in Bloomsbury, in the foyer of the Pandora Theatre, and again at +LILY'S house._ + +_The curtain will be lowered for a few moments in the course of the +Second Act._ + + + + +_The following advertisements are to appear conspicuously in the +programme._ + +MIND THE PAINT (the complete song), words by D'Arcy Wingate, music by +Vincent Bland, as originally sung by Miss LILY PARRADELL at the +Pandora Theatre in the Musical Play of "THE DUCHESS OF BRIXTON," may +be obtained from Messrs. Church and Co. (Ltd.), Music Publishers, 181 +New Bond Street. + +AFTER THE THEATRE. CATANI'S RESTAURANT, 459 Strand. Best _cuisine_ in +London. Milanese Band. Private Rooms. Urbano Catani, Sole Proprietor. +Tel.: 10,337 Gerrard. + + + + + THE "MIND THE PAINT" GIRL + + + + + THE FIRST ACT + + +_The scene is a drawing-room, prettily but somewhat showily decorated. +The walls are papered with a design representing large clusters of +white and purple lilac. The furniture is covered with a chintz of +similar pattern, and the curtains, carpet, and lamp-shades +correspond._ + +_In the wall facing the spectator are two windows, and midway between +the windows there is the entrance to a conservatory. The conservatory, +which is seen beyond, is of the kind that is built out over the +portico of a front-door, and is plentifully stocked with flowers and +hung with a velarium and green sun-blinds. In the right-hand wall +there is another window and, nearer the spectator, a console-table +supporting a high mirror; and in the wall on the left, opposite the +console-table, there is a double-door opening into the room, the +further half of which only is used._ + +_In the entrance to the conservatory, to the right, there is a low, +oblong tea-table at which are placed three small chairs; and near-by, +on the left, are a grand-piano and a music-stool. Against the piano +there is a settee, and on the extreme left, below the door, there is +an arm-chair with a little round table beside it. At the right-hand +window in the wall at the back is another settee, and facing this +window and settee there is a smaller arm-chair._ + +_Not far from the fire-place there is a writing-table with a +telephone-instrument upon it. A chair stands at the writing-table, +its back to the window in the wall on the right; and in front of the +table, opposing the settee by the piano, there is a third settee. On +the left of this settee, almost in the middle of the room, is an +arm-chair; and closer to the settee, on its right, are two more +arm-chairs. Other articles of furniture-- a cabinet, "occasional" +chairs, etc., etc.-- occupy spaces against the walls._ + +_On the piano, on the console-table and cabinet, on the settee at the +back, on the round table, and upon the floor, stand huge baskets of +flowers, and other handsome floral devices in various forms, with +cards attached to them; and lying higgledy-piggledy upon the +writing-table are a heap of small packages, several little cases +containing jewellery, and a litter of paper and string. The packages +and the cases of jewellery are also accompanied by cards or letters._ + +_A fierce sunlight streams down upon the velarium, and through the +green blinds, in the conservatory._ + +[_Note: Throughout, "right" and "left" are the spectators' right and +left, not the actor's._] + + + [_LORD FARNCOMBE, his gloves in his hand, is seated in the arm-chair + in the middle of the room. He is a simple-mannered, immaculately + dressed young man in his early twenties, his bearing and appearance + suggesting the soldier. He rises expectantly as GLADYS, a flashy + parlourmaid in a uniform, shows in LIONEL ROPER, a middle-aged + individual of the type of the second-class City man._ + +ROPER. + +[_To FARNCOMBE._] Hul-lo! I'm in luck! Just the chap I'm hunting for. +[_Shaking hands with FARNCOMBE._] How d'ye do, Lord Farncombe? + +FARNCOMBE. + +How are you, Roper? + +GLADYS. + +[_To ROPER, languidly._] I'll tell Mrs. Upjohn you're here. + +ROPER. + +Ta. [_GLADYS withdraws._] Phew, it's hot! + +FARNCOMBE. + +Miss Parradell's out. + +ROPER. + +[_Taking off his gloves._] She won't be long, I dare say. + +FARNCOMBE. + +I've brought her a few flowers. + +ROPER. + +Have you? I've sent her a trifle of jewellery. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Glancing at the writing-table._] She seems to have received a lot of +jewellery. + +ROPER. + +[_Bustling across to the table._] By Jove, doesn't she! Ah, there's my +brooch! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Modestly._] I didn't consider I'd a right to offer her anything but +flowers, on so slight an acquaintance. + +ROPER. + +Exactly; but I'm an old friend, you know. [_Turning to FARNCOMBE._] +Perhaps, by her next birthday---- + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Smiling._] I hope so. + +ROPER. + +[_Approaching FARNCOMBE and taking him by the lapel of his coat._] +What I want to say to you is, doing anything to-night? + +FARNCOMBE. + +I-- I shall be at the theatre. + +ROPER. + +Oh, we shall all be at the theatre, to shout Many Happy Returns. +Later, I mean. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Nothing that I can't get out of. + +ROPER. + +Good. Look here. Smythe is giving her a bit of supper in the foyer +after the show, a dance on the stage to follow. About five-and-twenty +people. 'Ull you come? + +FARNCOMBE. + +If Mr. Smythe is kind enough to ask me---- + +ROPER. + +He _does_ ask you, through me. He's left all the arrangements to me +and Morrie Cooling. Carlton never did anything in his life; _I_ egged +him on to this. I've been sweating at it since eleven o'clock this +morning. Haven't been near the City; not near it. Well? + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_His eyes glowing._] I shall be delighted. + +ROPER. + +Splendid. Been trying to get on to you all day. I've called twice at +your club and at St. James's Place. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Sorry you've had so much trouble. + +ROPER. + +[_Dropping on to the settee in front of the writing-table and wiping +his brow._] There'll be the Baron, Sam de Castro, Bertie Fulkerson, +Stew Heneage, Jerry Grimwood, Dwarf Kennedy, Colonel and Mrs. +Stidulph-- Dolly Ensor that was-- and ourselves, besides Cooling and +Vincent Bland and the pick o' the Company. Catani does the food and +drink. I don't believe I've forgotten a single thing. [_With a change +of tone, pointing to the arm-chair in the middle of the room._] Sit +down a minute. [_FARNCOMBE sits and ROPER edges nearer to him._] Are +you going to wait to see Lily this afternoon? + +FARNCOMBE. + +I-- I should like to. + +ROPER. + +Because if Jeyes should happen to drop in while you're here---- + +FARNCOMBE. + +Captain Jeyes? + +ROPER. + +Nicko Jeyes-- or if you knock up against him to-night at the theatre-- +mum about this. + +FARNCOMBE. + +About the supper? + +ROPER. + +[_Nodding._] Um. We don't want Nicko Jeyes; we simply don't want him. +And if he heard that you and some of the boys are coming, he might +wonder why _he_ isn't included. + +FARNCOMBE. + +He strikes me as being rather a surly, ill-conditioned person. + +ROPER. + +A regular loafer. + +FARNCOMBE. + +He appears to live at Catani's. I never go there without meeting him. + +ROPER. + +Exactly. Catani's and a top, back bedroom in Jermyn Street, and +hanging about the Pandora; that's Nicko Jeyes's life. + +FARNCOMBE. + +_He's_ an old friend of Mrs. Upjohn's and Miss Parradell's too, isn't +he? + +ROPER. + +[_Evasively._] Known 'em some time. That's _it_; Lily's so faithful to +her old friends. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Smiling._] _You_ oughtn't to complain of that. + +ROPER. + +Oh, but I'm a _real_ friend. I've always been a patron of the musical +drama-- it's my fad; and I've kept an eye on Lily from the moment she +sprang into prominence-- [_singing_] "Mind the paint! Mind the paint!" +--looked after her like a father. Uncle Lal she calls me. +[_Reassuringly._] I'm a married man, you know; [_FARNCOMBE nods_] but +the wife has plenty to occupy her with the kids and she leaves the +drama to me. She prefers Bexhill. [_Leaning forward and speaking with +great earnestness._] Farncombe, what a charming creature! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Innocently._] Mrs. Roper? + +ROPER. + +No, no, no; Lily. [_Hastily._] Oh, and so's my missus, for that +matter, when she chooses. But Lily Upjohn----! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_In a low voice._] Beautiful; perfectly beautiful. + +ROPER. + +Yes, and as good as she's beautiful; you take it from me. [_With a +wave of the hand._] Well, if you see Jeyes, you won't----? + +FARNCOMBE. + +Not a word. + +ROPER. + +[_Rising and walking away to the left._] I've warned the others. +[_Returning to FARNCOMBE who has also risen._] By-the-bye, if Lily +should mention the supper in the course of conversation, remember, +_she's_ not in the conspiracy. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Conspiracy? + +ROPER. + +To shunt Nicko. We're letting her think there are to be no outsiders. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Becoming slightly puzzled by ROPER'S manner._] Why, would she very +much like Captain Jeyes to be asked? + +ROPER. + +[_Rather impatiently._] Haven't I told you, once you're a friend of +Lil's----! [_Looking towards the door._] Is this Ma? [_MRS. UPJOHN +enters._] Hul-lo, Ma! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_A podgy little, gaily dressed woman of five-and-fifty with a stupid, +good-humoured face._] 'Ullo, Uncle! + +ROPER. + +Lord Farncombe---- + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Advancing and shaking hands with FARNCOMBE._] Glad to see you 'ere +again. You _'ave_ been before, 'aven't you? + +FARNCOMBE. + +Last week. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Of course; you came with Mr. Bertie Fulkerson. But somebody or other's +always poppin' in. [_Pleasantly._] Lil sees too many, _I_ say. It's +tirin' for 'er. Won't you set? + +ROPER. + +Lord Farncombe's brought Lily some flowers, Ma. [_To FARNCOMBE._] +Where are they? + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Who, after waiting for MRS. UPJOHN to settle herself upon the settee +in front of the writing-table, sits in the chair at the end of the +settee-- pointing to a large basket of flowers._] On the piano. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Barely glancing at the flowers._] 'Ow kind of 'im! Sech a waste o' +money too! They do go off so quick. + +ROPER. + +[_Reading the cards attached to the various floral gifts._] Where _is_ +Lil? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +She's settin' to a risin' young artist in Fitzroy Street-- Claude +Morgan. She won't be 'ome till past five. So tirin' for 'er. + +ROPER. + +Never heard of Morgan. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +No, nor anybody else. That's what I tell 'er. Why waste your time +givin' settin's to a risin' young artist when the big men 'ud go down +on their 'ands and knees to do you? But that's Lil all over. She's the +best-natured girl in the world, and so she gets imposed on all round. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Gallantly._] I prophesy that Mr. Morgan's picture of Miss Parradell +won't have dried before he's quite famous. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Turning a pair of dull eyes full upon him._] 'Ow do you mean? + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Disconcerted._] Er-- I mean-- + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +_Why_ won't it 'ave dried? + +FARNCOMBE. + +I mean he will have become celebrated _before_ it has dried. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +'Is pictures never do dry, you mean? + +ROPER. + +No, no, Ma! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +'Owever, it doesn't matter. 'E isn't even goin' to put 'er name to it. + +ROPER. + +Why not? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +You may well ask. 'E's bent on callin' it "The 'Mind the Paint' Girl." + +ROPER. + +What's wrong with that? Everybody'll recognise who _that_ is. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Unconvinced._] 'Er name's printed on all 'er photos. + +FARNCOMBE. + +The first time I had the pleasure of seeing your daughter on the +stage, Mrs. Upjohn, a man next to me said, "Here comes the 'Mind the +Paint' girl." + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Cheering up._] Oh, well, p'r'aps young Morgan knows 'is own business +best. Let's 'ope so, at any rate. + +ROPER. + +[_By the tea-table, beckoning to FARNCOMBE._] Farncombe---- + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_To ROPER._] Eh? [_To MRS. UPJOHN, rising._] Excuse me. + + [_FARNCOMBE joins ROPER, whereupon MRS. UPJOHN goes to the + writing-table and, seating herself there, examines the jewellery + delightedly._ + +ROPER. + +[_To FARNCOMBE, in a whisper._] Do me a favour. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Certainly. + +ROPER. + +[_Looking at his watch._] It's only half-past four. Take a turn round +the Square. I've some business to talk over with the old lady. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Nodding to ROPER and then coming forward and addressing MRS. +UPJOHN._] I-- er-- I think I'll go for a little walk and come back +later on, if I may. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Contentedly._] Oh, jest as you like. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Moving towards the door._] In about a quarter-of-an-hour. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +If we don't see you again, I'll tell Lil you've been 'ere. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_At the door._] Oh, but you will; you _will_ see me again. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Well, please yourself and you please your dearest friend, as Lil's dad +used to say. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Thank you-- thank you very much. + + [_He disappears, closing the door after him._ + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_To ROPER, looking up._] I b'lieve you gave that young man the 'int +to go, Uncle. + +ROPER. + +I did; told him I wanted to talk business with you. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Business? [_Resuming her inspection of the trinkets._] This is a +'andsome thing Mr. Grimwood's sent 'er. + +ROPER. + +[_His hands in his trouser-pockets, contemplating MRS. UPJOHN +desperately._] Upon my soul, Ma, you're a champion! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +_Now_ wot 'ave I done! + +ROPER. + +Well, you might spread yourself a little over young Farncombe. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Spread myself! Why should I? + +ROPER. + +Lord Farncombe! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +I treat 'em all alike; so does Lil. 'E's not the first title we've 'ad +'ere, not by a dozen. + +ROPER. + +No, but damn it all--! I beg your pardon---- + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Beaming._] So you ought-- swearin' like a trooper. + +ROPER. + +_This_ chap's in love with her. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Oh, they're all in love with 'er; or _'ave_ been, one time or another. + +ROPER. + +Yes, but they're not all Farncombes and they're not all marrying men. +I'm prepared to bet my boots that if Lil and young Farncombe could be +thrown together----! [_Sitting on the settee in front of the +writing-table as MRS. UPJOHN rises and comes forward._] Here! Do talk +it over. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Placidly._] Where's the use o' talkin' it over? It's wastin' one's +breath. [_Moving to the settee by the piano._] My Lil doesn't want to +marry-- any'ow not yet awhile; she's 'appy and contented as she is. +[_Sitting and smoothing out her skirt._] When she does, I s'pose it'll +be the Captain. + +ROPER. + +[_Between his teeth._] The Captain! [_Quietly._] Ma, the day Lil +marries Nicko Jeyes, you and she'll see the last o' _me_. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Oh, don't say that, Uncle. + +ROPER. + +I do say it. The disappointment 'ud be more than I could stand. +Selfish, designing beggar! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Now, no low abuse. + +ROPER. + +A fellow who gets on the soft side of Lil before she's out of her +teens-- before she's made any position to speak of; and when she _has_ +made a position, and _he's_ practically on his uppers, sticks to her +like a limpet! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +She sticks to 'im, too. It meant a deal to Lil in 'er 'umble days, +reck'lect-- receivin' attentions from a gentleman in the army. She +doesn't forget that. + +ROPER. + +[_Jumping up and walking about._] It's cruel; that's what it is-- it's +cruel. Here's Gwennie Harker and Maidie Trevail both married to peers' +sons, and Eva Shafto to a baronet-- all of 'em Pandora girls; and +Lil-- _she's_ left high and dry, engaged to a nobody! It's cruel! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +She's not ackshally engaged. + +ROPER. + +Ho, ho! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +The ideer was, when 'e shirked goin' to India an' gave up soldierin', +so as to be near 'er, that 'e should get something to do in London; +_then_ they were to be engaged. + +ROPER. + +[_Sarcastically._] Oh, to be just, I admit he's in no hurry. He's been +a whole year looking for something to do in London-- looking for it at +Catani's and at the Pandora bars! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +'E _'as_ to be on the spot at night, to bring Lil 'ome after 'er work. + +ROPER. + +Exactly! And when a decent, eligible young chap comes along, and means +business, he's choked off by finding Nicko Jeyes in possession. +[_Stopping before MRS. UPJOHN._] But, I say! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Wot? + +ROPER. + +_Farncombe_ hasn't tumbled to it yet. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Indifferently._] 'Asn't 'e? + +ROPER. + +Bertie Fulkerson's held his tongue about it; so have the other boys +who're friends of Farncombe's. _They_ see he's hard hit. +[_Enthusiastically._] Oh, they're good boys; they're good, loyal boys! +There's not one of them who wouldn't throw up his hat if Nicko got the +chuck. [_Suddenly._] Ma! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Startled._] Hey? + +ROPER. + +[_Dropping his voice._] This little spree to-night at the theatre-- +Lil thinks it's to be merely among the members of the Company. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Ain't it? + +ROPER. + +[_Sitting beside her._] You keep quiet, now. No, it isn't. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +'Oo----? + +ROPER. + +The boys-- and Farncombe. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Disturbed._] Gracious! There'll be an awful fuss with the Captain +to-morrer. + +ROPER. + +[_Snapping his fingers._] Pishhh! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Rising and walking away to the right._] 'E's so 'orribly jealous. +When Lil tells 'im 'oo was at the party, there'll be a frightful +kick-up! + +ROPER. + +[_Falling into despondency._] Oh, I dare say I'm a fool for my pains, +Ma. Nothing'll come of it. [_Rising and pacing the room again._] +Farncombe's as shy as a school-girl; he'd be on a desert island with a +pretty woman for a month without squeezing her hand. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_In an altered tone._] Uncle. + +ROPER. + +Hullo! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Thoughtfully._] _I_ shouldn't raise any objection, bear in mind, if +Lil could be weaned away from the Captain and took a fancy to young +Farncombe. + +ROPER. + +Objection! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Sitting on the settee in front of the writing-table._] All said an' +done, to be Lady F., with no need to work if you're not disposed to, +is better than bein' Mrs. Captain Jeyes an' 'avin' to linger on the +stage, p'r'aps, till you drop, to 'elp keep the pot a' boilin'. +[_Opening her eyes widely._] Lady F.! + +ROPER. + +[_Coming to her._] And Countess of Godalming when his father dies. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +I s'pose there'd be any amount of unpleasantness with the fam'ly? + +ROPER. + +[_Disdainfully._] The family! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +There's generally a rumpus in sech cases. + +ROPER. + +Why, Ma, these tiptop families ought to feel jolly grateful that we're +mixing the breed for them a bit. Look at the two lads who've married +Gwennie Harker and Maidie Trevail-- Kinterton and Glenroy; and +Fawcus-- Sir George Fawcus-- Eva Shafto's husband; they haven't a chin +or a forehead between 'em, and their chests are as narrow as a +ten-inch plank. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Quite true. + +ROPER. + +Farncombe himself, _he's_ inclined to be weedy. I maintain it's a +grand thing for our English nobs that their slips of sons have taken +to marrying young women of the stamp of Maidie Trevail and Gwennie +Harker-- or Lil; keen-witted young women full of the joy of life, with +strong frames, beautiful hair and fine eyes, and healthy pink gums and +big white teeth. Sneer at the Pandora girls! Great Scot, it's my +belief that the Pandora girls'll be the salvation of the aristocracy +in this country in the long run! + + [_CAPTAIN NICHOLAS JEYES lounges in. He is a man of about + five-and-thirty, already slightly grey-haired, who has gone to seed. + ROPER sits in the chair in the middle of the room rather guiltily and + MRS. UPJOHN puts on a propitiatory grin._ + +JEYES. + +[_Nodding to MRS. UPJOHN and ROPER as he closes the door._] Afternoon, +Mrs. Upjohn. How'r'you, Roper? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Ah, Captain! + +ROPER. + +Hullo, Nicko! + +JEYES. + +[_Advancing._] Lily not in? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +No; she's in Fitzroy Street, settin' to Morgan. + +JEYES. + +[_Frowning._] Why didn't she ask me to go with her? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Dun'no, I'm sure. She's took Miss Birch. + +JEYES. + +[_With a grunt._] Oh? [_Looking round._] Flowers. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +'Eaps of 'em, ain't there? + +ROPER. + +[_Jerking his head towards the writing-table._] Yes, and some nice +presents over here. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +She's beat 'er record this year, Lil 'as, out an' out. + + [_JEYES goes to the writing-table and ROPER and MRS. UPJOHN rise and + wander away, the former to the conservatory, the latter to the settee + by the piano._ + +JEYES. + +[_Scowling at the presents._] Very nice. [_Picking up a case of +jewellery._] Ve-ry nice. [_Throwing the case down angrily._] Confound +'em, what the devil do they take her for! + +ROPER. + +[_At the entrance to the conservatory._] I may remark that one of +those gifts is from _me_, Jeyes. + +JEYES. + +Oh, I'm not alluding to _you_. + +ROPER. + +[_Stiffly._] Much obliged. + +JEYES. + +[_Coming forward and addressing MRS. UPJOHN._] I've called in to ask +Lily whether she'll come out to supper with me to-night, to Catani's, +to celebrate her birthday. Luigi's decorating a table for me +specially. Mr. and Mrs. Linthorne'll come, and Jack Wethered. [_To +ROPER._] Are you free, Roper? [_MRS. UPJOHN sits uneasily on the +settee by the piano and ROPER finds some object to interest him near +the tea-table._] I suppose it's no good asking _you_, Mrs. Upjohn? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +N-n-o, thank you, Captain, and I-- I'm afraid---- + +JEYES. + +Afraid----? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +I'm afraid Lil can't manage it either. + +JEYES. + +Why not? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +I-- I'm surprised she didn't mention it to you 'erself when you +brought 'er 'ome last night. + +JEYES. + +Mention what? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +They're givin' 'er a supper to-night at the theatre. + +JEYES. + +The theatre? + +ROPER. + +[_Advancing._] Yes, Carlton's standing a little spread in the foyer, +in honour of the occasion. [_Sitting at the tea-table._] Quite right +too; she's _his_ best asset, and chance it. + +JEYES. + +When was it fixed up? + +ROPER. + +Late last night. + +JEYES. + +The fact is, Lily and I had a slight tiff coming home last night. +[_Sitting on the settee in front of the writing-table._] Ha! I suppose +she kept it from me to pay me out. [_Sharply._] Who's invited? + +ROPER. + +Er-- only the principal members of the Company, I understand. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Moistening her lips with her tongue._] Yes, only the members of the +Company, Lil says. + +ROPER. + +With Morrie Cooling and Vincent Bland thrown in. + +JEYES. + +[_Looking at ROPER._] _You_ seem to know a lot about it, Roper. + +ROPER. + +I was behind when Morrie was going round to the dressing-rooms. + +JEYES. + +[_To ROPER, suspiciously._] Are _you_ asked? + +ROPER. + +[_Taken aback._] E--eh? + +JEYES. + +Are _you_ asked? + +ROPER. + +[_With an attempt at airiness._] Oh, yes, they've dragged me into it. + +JEYES. + +Since when have _you_ been a member of the Company? + +ROPER. + +No, but-- dash it, I've done business for Carlton in the City for +twenty years or more----! + +JEYES. + +That doesn't make you one. + +ROPER. + +And I'm an old friend of Lil's. + +JEYES. + +Not older than I. [_Violently._] Why the blazes doesn't Smythe invite +_me_? + +ROPER. + +[_Extending his arms._] My dear Nicko, _I'm_ not giving the party. +Really, you do jump down a man's throat----! + +JEYES. + +Sorry, sorry, sorry. [_Leaning back and thrusting his hands into his +pocket._] Well, I'll put Jack and the Linthornes off. They don't want +to sup with _me_; I shouldn't amuse 'em. [_Gazing at the carpet._] Her +birthday, though! It'll be the first time I shall have been out of +_that_ for-- how many years?-- six years. I---- [_Raising his head, he +detects MRS. UPJOHN and ROPER eyeing each other uncomfortably._] +Anything the matter? + +ROPER. + +T-t-the matter? + +JEYES. + +[_Taking his hands from his pockets and sitting upright._] Any game +on? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Game? + +JEYES. + +At my expense? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +I dun'no wot you're drivin' at, Captain. + +JEYES. + +[_Harshly._] How long's Lily sitting this afternoon? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Till five. + +JEYES. + +[_Looking at his watch._] What's Morgan's number in Fitzroy Street? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Sixty. + +JEYES. + +[_Rising._] I'll fetch her. + + [_As he makes a movement towards the door, it is thrown open and LILY + PARRADELL enters with a rush-- an entrancing vision of youth, grace, + and beauty. She is followed by JIMMIE BIRCH, a _petite_, bright-eyed + girl in an extremely _chic_ costume._ + +LILY. + +[_Tearing off her gloves as she enters._] Wh-e-e-w! I'm dead! [_Giving +her hand to JEYES carelessly._] Ah, Nicko! [_To MRS. UPJOHN._] +I couldn't stand the heat in the studio any longer, mother. [_Finding +ROPER beside her, she offers her cheek to him and he kisses it._] _Mon +Oncle!_ + +JIMMIE. + +[_Closing the door._] That young man Morgan ought to paint the +infernal regions. + +LILY. + +[_Taking her scarf from her shoulder._] He might finish with the +angels first, though. [_To JEYES, softly, as ROPER turns to shake +hands with JIMMIE._] You in a better temper to-day? + +JEYES. + +[_In her ear._] You drove me wild last night. + +LILY. + +[_Making a face at him._] Served you right. [_Passing him._] For God's +sake, let me lie down. [_She throws herself upon the settee in front +of the writing-table, and JEYES moves away as MRS. UPJOHN and ROPER go +to her._] Don't come near me. Give me my fan. Jimmie, where's my fan? + +JIMMIE. + +Oh, I've left it in Fitzroy Street! + +LILY. + +Beast! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Hurrying to the writing-table._] There's one 'ere, among your +presents. + +LILY. + +[_Unpinning her hat._] Uncle Lal, what an adorable ring that is you've +sent me! + +ROPER. + +[_Taking the fan from MRS. UPJOHN._] Ring! A brooch! + +LILY. + +_Somebody's_ sent me a ring. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Sitting in the chair at the end of the settee by the writing-table._] +There's three rings. + +LILY. + +Of course! One of them's from Nicko! [_To JEYES._] Did you get my +sweet telegram, Nicko? + +JEYES. + +[_Who has greeted JIMMIE and is now seated in the chair on the extreme +left-- sulkily._] I had your telegram, but it's a _pendant_ I sent +you. + +JIMMIE. + +[_Sitting upon the settee by the piano and pulling off her gloves._] +Ha, ha, ha! + +LILY. + +You shut up, Jimmie. [_Snatching the fan from ROPER._] How on earth am +I to remember! [_Fanning herself._] Who's given me _this_ pretty +thing? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Mr. Monty Levine. + +LILY. + +Bless him! He's a dear little man, though he does bite his nails. +[_GLADYS appears with VINCENT BLAND, who saunters in after her. Seeing +LILY, GLADYS advances to her._] Hallo, Vincent! + +BLAND. + +[_A thin, delicate looking man of eight-and-thirty, not over smartly +dressed, wearing an eye-glass-- nodding to LILY casually._] You +needn't have cut me, almost on your door-step. [_To JIMMIE and +JEYES._] H'lo, Jimmie! H'lo, Nicko! + +GLADYS. + +[_Viewing LILY with an elevation of the brows._] Oh, are you home? + +LILY. + +[_Returning GLADYS'S stare._] Apparently. + +GLADYS. + +I'll whistle up to Maud. + +LILY. + +Don't, if it's too severe a strain on you. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_To GLADYS, as the girl moves to the door._] Gladys, we'll 'ave tea. + +GLADYS. + +[_At the door._] You can't till it's ready. + +LILY. + +[_Calmly._] Cheek! + + [_GLADYS retires._ + +BLAND. + +[_Who has strolled across to LILY, indolently._] Why do you retain the +services of that tousled-headed hussy? + +LILY. + +[_With conviction._] Oh, she's a little under the weather, but she's a +perfect servant. + +BLAND. + +[_To MRS. UPJOHN._] Ma, you look blooming. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Wish I could return the compliment, Mr. Bland. + +BLAND. + +[_To ROPER, who is wearing a waistcoat of rather a pronounced +pattern._] Congratulations on your waistcoat, Lal. + +ROPER. + +[_Joining JIMMIE, annoyed._] Now, no personalities. + +LILY. + +[_Giving BLAND her hand._] Vincent, yours is one of the loveliest +presents I've had to-day. _Remerciement!_ How's that for a French +accent? + +BLAND. + +[_Dropping his eyeglass._] You cat! + +LILY. + +Why----? + +BLAND. + +You know I've given you nothing, not even a penny nosegay. + +JIMMIE. + +Ha, ha, ha! + +LILY. + +[_Raising herself on her elbow._] On my honour--! Vincent dear, +I swear I thought----! + +BLAND. + +The funds are too low. [_Replacing his eyeglass._] I did go so far as +to price a bangle at Sellby's, but that was before a certain event +yesterday. + +JIMMIE. + +What horses did you back, Vincent? I won a fiver, through Jerry +Grimwood. + +ROPER. + +[_To BLAND._] You _are_ a patent ass. Why don't you leave betting +alone? + +BLAND. + +[_To ROPER, flaring up._] Why don't you leave your City muck alone? + +LILY. + +[_Putting her feet to the floor, imperiously._] That'll do. Be quiet, +you two! I won't have any wrangling in my house. Run away and play, +all of you. I want to speak to Vincent for a minute privately. [_With +a gesture._] Uncle Lal-- Jimmie-- Nicko-- [_To MRS. UPJOHN._] Scoot, +mother! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Oh, dear, wot a child! + + [_ROPER, JIMMIE, JEYES, and MRS. UPJOHN move away and LILY beckons to + BLAND._ + +LILY. + +Vin. + +BLAND. + +[_Close to her, with a wry face._] Mercy! + +LILY. + +[_In a low voice._] You've broken your word to me, then? [_Through her +teeth._] Those damned horses! + +BLAND. + +Cooling had a tip from the stable---- + +LILY. + +Cooling! Morrie Cooling has no children; only a fat wife. You've a +darling little wife and three kiddies. How much did you drop +yesterday? + +BLAND. + +Shan't say. + +LILY. + +[_Rising and touching his arm._] Oh, Vincent! + + [_She looks round, to assure herself that she is unobserved. MRS. + UPJOHN and ROPER are seated at the tea-table with their heads + together, talking; JIMMIE is at the piano, fingering out a piece of + music; JEYES is half hidden in the arm-chair facing the settee at the + back. LILY tiptoes to the writing-table and seats herself there as + GLADYS reappears showing in the BARON VON RETTENMAYER._ + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_A tall, fair young man of three-and-thirty, speaking in thick, +guttural tones-- advancing to LILY._] Aha, goddess! [_Gladys +withdraws._] Many habby returns of the day! + +LILY. + +H'sh! I'm busy for a moment, Baron. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_To LILY-- shaking hands with BLAND._] A thousand bardons. + +LILY. + +Talk to mother and Jimmie. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +With bleasure. [_Going to MRS. UPJOHN and ROPER and shaking hands with +them._] How are you, my dear Ma? How are you, Jimmie? [_Waving a hand +to ROPER and JEYES._] My dear Rober! My dear Neegolas! + +JIMMIE. + +[_To VON RETTENMAYER, mimicking him._] Rober! Neegolas! Why don't they +provide you with throat lozenges at the Embassy, Baron? + + [_VON RETTENMAYER laughs. LILY has quickly opened a drawer in the + writing-table and produced a cheque-book. After another glance over + her shoulder, she sweeps the presents aside and writes. Then she + replaces the cheque-book, rises, and returns to BLAND. Again there is + a loud guffaw from VON RETTENMAYER in response to some sally of + JIMMIE'S._ + +LILY. + +[_To BLAND, folding a cheque and slipping it into his hand._] +Promise-- promise you won't make another bet. + +BLAND. + +[_Unfolding the cheque._] Your cheque? + +LILY. + +[_Hastily._] Put it in your pocket. + +BLAND. + +A blank one. + +LILY. + +[_In a whisper._] Don't fill it in for more than you can help. _I'm_ +not over flush. + + [_He deliberately tears the cheque into four pieces and, looking at + her steadily, puts them into his waistcoat-pocket._ + +BLAND. + +[_As he does so._] I'll keep those, Lil, for as long as I keep +anything. + +LILY. + +[_Hotly._] You fool, Vincent! + +BLAND. + +My dear, as if----! + +LILY. + +Such ridiculous pride! [_Stamping her foot._] Lord, what I owe to you! + + [_GLADYS enters with SAM DE CASTRO. GLADYS is carrying a lace-edged + table-cloth which, assisted by MRS. UPJOHN, she proceeds to lay upon + the tea-table._ + +BLAND. + +[_Moving away to join the others-- to DE CASTRO._] Ha, Sam! + +DE CASTRO. + +[_A stout, coarse, but genial-looking gentleman of forty, of marked +Jewish appearance, speaking with a lisp-- shaking hands with LILY._] +How are you to-day, Lil? Many happy returnth, wunth more. + +LILY. + +Thanks, dear old boy. [_Sitting on the settee in front of the +writing-table._] Did I send you a wire this morning? + +DE CASTRO. + +Not you; not a thix-pen'north. + +LILY. + +I ought to have done so, to acknowledge your-- what was it? + +DE CASTRO. + +A ring-- diamondth and thapphires. + +LILY. + +Ah, yes; beautiful. + +DE CASTRO. + +It _ith_ rather a nithe ring. [_Lowering his voice._] But I thay. + +LILY. + +What? + +DE CASTRO. + +Mind you don't go and tell Gabth, on any account. + +LILY. + +[_With a great assumption of ignorance, raising her eyebrows._] Gabs? + +DE CASTRO. + +Gabrielle-- Mith Kato. + +LILY. + +Why shouldn't I? + +DE CASTRO. + +Nonsenth; _you_ know very well. [_Urgently._] You won't, will you? + +LILY. + +[_Shrugging her shoulders._] I won't if I remember not to. + +DE CASTRO. + +[_Alarmed._] Ah, now, don't be thtupid! Whath the good o' making +mithchief! [_LILY shows him the tip of her tongue._] Oh, Lil! [_GLADYS +goes out._] Lil----! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Leaving the group at the back and putting an arm round DE CASTRO'S +shoulder._] My dear friend Zam! + +DE CASTRO. + +How are you, Baron? [_Going to MRS. UPJOHN._] Afthernoon, Ma! +[_Nodding to JIMMIE and ROPER._] Afthernoon, everybody! [_Shaking +hands with JEYES, who has risen and now joins the group._] How are +you, Nicko? + +LILY. + +[_Giving her hand to VON RETTENMAYER._] Excuse me for cutting you +short when you came in. Thanks for your splendid present. I did send +you a wire, didn't I? + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Kissing her hand and bowing over it._] I shall breserve it, with a +few oder souvenirs, till the end of my life. + +LILY. + +[_Withdrawing her hand and blowing the compliment away._] Phew! Lal, +lal, lal, la! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_In an altered tone, after a cautious look round._] Goddess. + +LILY. + +Eh? + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Anxiously._] My drifling liddle offering-- I endreat you not to +mention it to Enid. + +LILY. + +[_Laughing heartily._] Ha, ha, ha, ha! Another of you! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +The gharming Miss Mongreiff. + +LILY. + +[_Seriously._] Baron, I wish you boys wouldn't make me presents and +then ask me to keep them a secret from the other girls. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +And I-- I wish it were not nezezzary. But, goddess, you are alzo a +young lady of the world-- you know what women are. + +LILY. + +H'm! I know what you men are. + + [_MAUD, a buxom young woman with a good-tempered face, dressed as a + lady's-maid, enters quickly, tying her apron, and runs to LILY. JEYES + comes to the further side of the writing-table and VON RETTENMAYER now + joins him there. JIMMIE BIRCH also comes forward, accompanied by DE + CASTRO._ + +MAUD. + +[_To LILY._] Here, give me your things. [_LILY tosses her hat, scarf, +and gloves to MAUD._] I was in my room, having a lie down. Is my hair +untidy? + +LILY. + +I've never seen it anything else. + +MAUD. + +[_Merrily._] Ha, ha, ha! [_To JIMMIE and DE CASTRO._] Afternoon, Miss +Jimmie. Afternoon, Mr. de Castro. [_To LILY._] Now, don't let them all +tire you to death, there's a pet. + +LILY. + +Oh, clear out. [_As MAUD is departing._] Hi! [_Rising and kicking off +her shoes and sending them in MAUD'S direction._] Fetch me a pair of +slippers. + +MAUD. + +[_Picking up the shoes and chuckling._] He, he, he! + + [_When MAUD reaches the door, which she has left open, GLADYS appears + with the tea-tray and with FARNCOMBE at her heels._ + +GLADYS. + +[_To MAUD, in a low voice, witheringly._] Oh, you're doing something, +are you? + +MAUD. + +[_In the same tone, passing GLADYS._] Yes, setting you an example, my +girl. [_Encountering FARNCOMBE._] Beg pardon. + + [_MAUD withdraws, closing the door, and FARNCOMBE stands looking at + LILY, who is talking to JIMMIE. GLADYS carries the tray to the + tea-table._ + +LILY. + +[_Become aware of FARNCOMBE'S presence and nodding to him._] How d'ye +do? + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Moving a step or two towards her._] I-- I've been here before this +afternoon. I ventured to bring you some flowers. + +LILY. + +[_Going to him and shaking hands with him formally._] Nobody told me. +Awfully kind of you. Where have they put them? + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Lifting his basket of flowers from off the piano and showing it to +her._] Here. + +LILY. + +Pretty. [_Pulling out a carnation._] Stick it up there again. [_He +replaces the basket._] You're Lord Farncombe, aren't you? + +FARNCOMBE. + +Yes. + +LILY. + +[_With a glance at the others._] Know anybody here? + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Looking round the room._] Nearly everybody, I fancy. [_He advances +to VON RETTENMAYER, who comes to meet him. LILY sits upon the settee +by the piano and fastens the carnation in her dress. GLADYS goes +out._] Karl----! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +My dear Eddie! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Bowing to DE CASTRO, who is now seated beside JIMMIE on the settee +in front of the writing-table._] How are you, Mr. de Castro? [_To +JEYES, who is standing by the chair at the writing-table gnawing his +moustache and watching LILY and FARNCOMBE sourly._] How are you, +Captain Jeyes? [_Turning to BLAND._] How are you, Mr. Bland? [_To +LILY._] I've been talking to Mrs. Upjohn and Mr. Roper already. + +LILY. + +[_Looking across to JIMMIE._] Miss Birch-- Lord Farncombe. + +JIMMIE. + +[_Nodding to FARNCOMBE._] How d'ye do? + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Going to JIMMIE and shaking hands with her._] I-- I needn't say that +I am one of Miss Birch's warmest-- most profound---- + +JIMMIE. + +[_Smiling at him._] That's all right; don't you bother about that. + + [_MAUD returns, carrying a pair of silken slippers. VON RETTENMAYER, + who has come to LILY, makes a dart at the slippers and takes them from + MAUD._ + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +Aha! Permid me. + +MAUD. + +Now, Baron----! [_Slapping his arm._] Ha, ha, ha----! + + [_He pushes MAUD out of the room, she resisting laughingly, and closes + the door._ + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Holding the slippers aloft._] Gendlemen! Homage to Beaudy! Vollow +me! Zam! Vinzent! Rober! Neego! Eddie! [_The men put themselves behind +him, in single file, in the order in which he calls them, with the +exception of JEYES, who deliberately sits at the writing-table, and +FARNCOMBE, who is embarrassed. JIMMIE claps her hands and MRS. UPJOHN, +who is pouring out tea, laughs herself into a fit of coughing._] Ta, +ta, ra, ra, ta, ta! Boum, boum! + +LILY. + +Baron, you great baby! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +Quig! Marge! + +ROPER. + +[_Calling to FARNCOMBE._] Come along, Farncombe! + +JIMMIE. + +[_Giving FARNCOMBE a shove._] Go on! + + [_FARNCOMBE takes his place behind ROPER and, headed by VON + RETTENMAYER, the men march round the room._ + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Waving the slippers in the air and singing._] + + Weib, was ist in aller Welt + Dir an Schönheit gleichgestellt! + Reizumflossen, wunderhold, + Perl' der Schöpfung, Herzensgold! + Tag's Gedanken, Traum der Nacht, + Schweben um Dich, Süsse, sacht. + + [_VON RETTENMAYER halts before LILY and kneels to her. She extends her + left foot and he kisses her instep and puts her foot into her slipper. + She rewards him by lightly boxing his ears. He makes way for DE + CASTRO, handing him the other slipper, and DE CASTRO performs the same + ceremony with LILY'S right foot. She upsets DE CASTRO'S balance by a + little kick._ + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Seating himself beside JIMMIE, singing._] + + Venus, seinen Nacken beut + Dir Den Sklave, dienstbereit! + + [_DE CASTRO gathers himself up and sits in the chair at the end of the + settee in front of the, writing-table. BLAND and ROPER, having knelt + and kissed LILY'S foot, also sit, the former in the chair in the + middle of the room, the latter in the chair on the extreme left. + Finally, FARNCOMBE finds himself before LILY. He looks at her + hesitatingly and she returns his look with awakened interest and + withdraws her foot._ + +LILY. + +[_Shaking her head._] No, no; don't _you_ be silly, like the others. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Loudly._] Tea! + + [_BLAND, VON RETTENMAYER and DE CASTRO jump up and go to the tea-table + where FARNCOMBE joins them. GLADYS enters, carrying a stand on which + are a plate of bread-and-butter, a dish of cake, etc. ROPER takes the + stand from her and the girl retires. FARNCOMBE brings LILY a cup of + tea. DE CASTRO and BLAND follow him, the one with a milk-jug, the + other with a sugar-basin. VON RETTENMAYER carries a cup of tea to + JIMMIE, and then DE CASTRO and BLAND, having waited upon LILY, go to + JIMMIE with the milk and sugar. ROPER hands the bread-and-butter and + cake to LILY, then to JIMMIE, and in the end ROPER, BLAND, DE CASTRO + and VON RETTENMAYER assemble at the tea-table and receive their cups + of tea from MRS. UPJOHN._ + +ROPER. + +[_Relieving GLADYS of the stand._] Give it to me. I want a little +exercise. + +LILY. + +[_Taking her cup of tea from FARNCOMBE._] Thanks. + +DE CASTRO. + +[_Helping LILY to milk._] Milk-ho! + +BLAND. + +Sugar? + +LILY. + +Br-r-r-rh! I'm putting on weight as it is. + +ROPER. + +[_Offering the bread-and-butter, etc.-- facetiously._] Ices, sweets +_or_ chocolates, full piano-score! + +LILY. + +Nothing to eat, Uncle; I dine at six. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Calling to JEYES from the tea-table._] Captain, ain't you goin' to +'ave any tea? + +JEYES. + +[_Moodily examining the presents on the writing-table._] No, thank +you, Mrs. Upjohn. + +BLAND. + +[_To JIMMIE, after she has been helped to milk._] Sugar? + +JIMMIE. + +Two lumps. + +ROPER. + +[_Pushing BLAND and DE CASTRO aside, imitating a female voice._] Ices, +sweets _or_ chocolates, full piano-score! + +JIMMIE. + +[_Cutting a slice of cake._] Lal, the world 'ud be a much happier +place to live in if Lloyd George taxed your jokes. + +VON RETTENMAYER, BLAND, and DE CASTRO. [_Returning to the tea-table._] +Ha, ha, ha, ha! + +LILY. + +[_To FARNCOMBE, who remains standing near her._] Seen our show at the +Pandora? + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Gazing at her._] Twenty-three times. + +LILY. + +Not really? + +FARNCOMBE. + +This week and last, every night. + +LILY. + +[_Running her eye over him._] You in the Guards, by any chance? + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Nodding._] Yes. + +LILY. + +[_Smiling._] Ah, you'll never do a braver deed than seeing our show +twenty-three times. + +JIMMIE. + +[_As ROPER leaves her to go to the table, her mouth full of cake._] +Boys! [_Choking._] Heugh, heugh, heugh! Wait a minute; I've swallowed +some of the Baron's German. [_Gulping._] B-oys, seriously-- no rot-- +[_raising her tea-cup_] jolly good health to Lily! [_There is a cry of +approbation from BLAND, VON RETTENMAYER, DE CASTRO and ROPER. +FARNCOMBE fetches himself a cup of tea from the tea-table._] She's a +white woman, Lily is-- the staunchest, truest pal, where she takes a +liking---- + +BLAND, VON RETTENMAYER, DE CASTRO, AND ROPER. + +Hear, hear! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Pressing forward through the men and going to LILY._] And the best +daughter breathing. [_Embracing LILY and then turning to the others._] +D'ye notice the new dress I'm wearin' this afternoon? + +LILY. + +Don't, mother; don't. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Fifteen guineas it's cost her. [_Sitting in the chair on the extreme +left, proudly._] Madame Godolphin made it, and a 'at to go with it +_ong sweet_. + +LILY. + +[_To MRS. UPJOHN._] Hu-s-s-sh! + +JIMMIE. + +Well---- [_sipping her tea as if drinking a toast_] in a cup of tea! + +BLAND, DE CASTRO, AND ROPER. + +[_Sipping their tea._] In a cup o' tea! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Drinking._] In a gob o' dea! + +JIMMIE. + +[_To VON RETTENMAYER, mockingly._] Gob o' dea! + +LILY. + +[_Waving her hand._] Thank you, Jimmie. Thank you, dear boys, from the +bottom of my heart. + +JIMMIE. + +[_To the men._] By Jove, she saved _me_ once from going home to a +cheap lodging and taking a dose of rat-killer! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Behind ROPER and DE CASTRO, peeping over their shoulders._] A pidy-- +a gread pidy. + +JIMMIE. + +[_To VON RETTENMAYER._] I'll attend to you presently, Baron. + +LILY. + +[_To JIMMIE._] I remember. A wretched little shrimp you looked that +day. + +JIMMIE. + +[_To everybody._] It was my first morning at the Pandora. They'd had +me up from Harrogate in a hurry, to take Gwennie Harker's place. I'd +been playing her part in the Number Two Co. in the country; and she'd +left 'em in a hole, to get married to a stupid lord---- [_To +FARNCOMBE, finding him standing near her._] Sorry. I was to have only +one rehearsal; [_clenching her fist_] and, oh, didn't they treat me +abominably! Miss Ensor was late and we were all hanging about on the +stage, waiting for her. I've never felt so cold in my life, or so +lonely. Not a word of welcome, not a nod, from a single soul; simply a +blank stare occasionally from a haughty beauty with a curled lip! And +at last, when I was on the point of howling, I became conscious that +somebody was watching me-- a tall, pretty thing in a lavender +frock---- + +DE CASTRO. + +[_Sitting in the chair in the middle of the room._] Lil. + +JIMMIE. + +I caught her eye, and she came straight over to me and sat down beside +me. "Shaky?" she said. "A corpse," I said. And she quietly laid hold +of my hand and held it till Dolly Ensor condescended to stroll in. And +when I got up I asked her who she was, and she told me. "Oh, my God," +I said, "I'll never forget your kindness! Why, of course, you're the +'Mind the Paint' girl----!" + +ROPER, DE CASTRO, AND VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Singing._] "Mind the paint! Mind the paint! Tra, lal, la, lal, la, +lal, la, lal, la, lal, tra, la, la, la----!" + + [_BLAND seats himself at the piano and thumps out the air of the + refrain of "Mind the Paint." The three men, mouthing the time + silently, wave their arms, and LILY'S head and body move from side to + side._ + +BLAND. + +[_With a groan._] Ugh! Is there anything more ancient than a +four-year-old comic song? [_Playing a few bars of the melody of the +song._] Shade of Nineveh and all the buried cities! + +ROPER, VON RETTENMAYER, AND DE CASTRO. + +[_To LILY, coaxingly._] Lily! Goddess! Lil! + +LILY. + +[_Shaking her head._] Oh, boys, it's gone. [_Pressing temples._] +I couldn't---- + + [_BLAND plays the introductory symphony and then pauses. Then she + sings, he accompanying her. In a moment or two, the song comes back to + her readily and she gives it with great witchery and allurement. JEYES + starts up and goes to the window in the wall on the right and looks + out._ + +LILY. + +[_Singing._] + + I've a very charming dwelling, + (You know where without the telling) + Decorated in a style that's rather quaint! + Smart and quaint! + When you pay my house a visit, + You may scrutinise or quiz it, + But you mustn't touch the paint! + Brand-new paint! + Mind the paint! Mind the paint! + (No matter whether Maple's bills are settled or they ain't!) + Once you smear it or you scratch it, + It's impossible to match it; + So take care, please, of the paint-- of the paint! + + [_Rising and coming to the middle of the room, LILY repeats the + refrain, dancing to it gracefully. JIMMIE also rises and she, ROPER, + VON RETTENMAYER, and DE CASTRO join in the chorus and the dance, the + three men very extravagantly. FARNCOMBE looks on, enraptured, while + MRS. UPJOHN beats time with her hands._ + +LILY. + +[_Singing._] + + I'm possessed of all the graces, + Oh, a perfect dr-r-r-ream my face is! + (It may owe to Art a trifle or it mayn't + H'm, it mayn't!) + And I'll cry out for assistance. + Should you fail to keep your distance, + Goodness gracious, mind the paint! + Mind the paint! + Mind the paint! Mind the paint! + A girl is not a sinner just because she's not a saint! + But my heart shall hold you dearer-- + You may come a little nearer-- + If you'll _only_ mind the paint-- mind the paint! + + [_The refrain is repeated as before, MRS. UPJOHN rising and taking a + share in it. Then LILY drops on to the settee before the + writing-table, laughing and holding up her hands in protest._ + +LILY. + +No more, boys! [_ROPER, VON RETTENMAYER, and DE CASTRO gather round +her, applauding her and urging her to continue._] No, no; no more! +I've had such a stiff day---- + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_With sudden energy, to everybody._] Out you go, all of you; out you +go! + +JIMMIE. + +[_To the men._] Come on; let's mizzle. [_Shaking hands with +FARNCOMBE._] Cruel of us to tire her so. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Tapping VON RETTENMAYER on the shoulder._] Now, then, Baron! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Shaking hands with LILY._] I'm goming. + +JIMMIE. + +[_Taking VON RETTENMAYER to the door._] Well, _gome_! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Pulling ROPER away from LILY._] Now, Uncle! + +ROPER. + +[_Adjusting his coat._] Mind the paint, Ma. + +JIMMIE. + +[_Calling out._] Good-bye, Lil! + +LILY. + +[_As she shakes hands with DE CASTRO, calling to JIMMIE._] Good-bye! + + [_JIMMIE and VON RETTENMAYER disappear._ + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Now, Mr. de Castro! [_Moving with ROPER towards the door._] 'Owever +d'ye think she's goin' to get through her work to-night! + +DE CASTRO. + +[_Pausing to comb his moustache._] Quite right, Ma---- [_thoughtlessly_] +and a thupper and a danthe afterwardth. + +ROPER. + +[_Turning upon him quickly._] Sssh! [_In a low voice._] Dam fool! + +DE CASTRO. + +[_Clapping his hand to his mouth._] Oh----! + + [_They glance at JEYES who, hearing de Castro's remark, has left the + window and come forward a step or two._ + +ROPER. + +[_Uneasily._] Er-- good-bye, Nicko. + +DE CASTRO. + +[_To JEYES, in the same way._] G-good-bye. + +JEYES. + +[_To both, dryly._] Good-bye. + +BLAND. + +[_Talking to LILY, neither of them having heard de Castro's slip._] +That jingle-- an echo of old times, eh? + +LILY. + +[_Looking up at him._] Yes, but not better times than these times, +Vin? + +BLAND. + +[_Sadly, holding her hand._] Ah, Lil, there are so many tunes in life +left for _you_, my dear! + +ROPER. + +[_At the door, with MRS. UPJOHN and DE CASTRO-- to BLAND._] Come along, +Vincent. + + [_BLAND joins the group at the door as FARNCOMBE approaches LILY._ + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Shaking hands with her._] Thank you. [_With fervour._] Glorious! + +LILY. + +[_Reproachfully._] For shame! + +FARNCOMBE. + +I mean it. + +LILY. + +T'sh! [_Lightly._] See you again some day, perhaps? + +FARNCOMBE. + +Ah, yes-- + +ROPER. + +[_Calling to FARNCOMBE._] Coming our way, Farncombe? + + [_ROPER, BLAND, and DE CASTRO depart. FARNCOMBE bows to LILY and makes + for the door._ + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_To JEYES._] Good-bye, Captain Jeyes. + +JEYES. + +[_Who has wandered to the entrance to the conservatory, where he is +now standing with his back to the room-- half turning._] Good-bye. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Shaking hands with MRS. UPJOHN._] Delightful! Enjoyed myself +amazingly. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Graciously._] Oh, we're always glad when a few folks pop in-- [_he +wrings her hand_] if they don't over-stay their welcome. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Naturally. [_Hurriedly._] Good-bye. [_He vanishes._ + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Remaining at the door._] Captain---- + +JEYES. + +[_Advancing._] I want just half a dozen words with Lily, Mrs. Upjohn. + +LILY. + +[_To MRS. UPJOHN._] Tell Maud to put out my old green frock, mother; +I'll be up in a minute or two. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_To JEYES._] Now, you won't keep 'er longer, will you? + +JEYES. + +[_Grimly._] No, no; I know she won't be in bed till four o'clock +to-morrow morning at the earliest. [_MRS. UPJOHN goes out, closing the +door, and Jeyes comes to LILY._] So Smythe is giving you a grand feed +to-night at the theatre, Lil? + +LILY. + +[_Arranging the pillows on the settee._] In the foyer. + +JEYES. + +And a dance, it appears. + +LILY. + +[_Yawning._] Oh-h-h-h! [_Lying upon the settee at full length._] Who +told _you_, grumpy? + +JEYES. + +Roper and your mother told me about the supper. _You_ didn't. + +LILY. + +Ha, ha! You were in such a vile mood last night, coming home. + +JEYES. + +Who will there be to dance _with_ to-night? + +LILY. + +The men of the Company. + +JEYES. + +That doesn't sound very inspiring. + +LILY. + +Rather school-treaty, isn't it! + +JEYES. + +Nobody from outside? + +LILY. + +No; it's to be only the men in the theatre and the principal ladies. + +JEYES. + +_Roper's_ going. + +LILY. + +Uncle Lal? Oh, well, he's hardly from outside. + +JEYES. + +And de Castro. + +LILY. + +Sam? + +JEYES. + +I'm sure of it, from something I heard him say just now. + +LILY. + +Sam used to finance Carlton. I suppose they reckon _him_ one of us. + +JEYES. + +[_Sitting in the chair in the middle of the room._] Smythe might have +extended the compliment to _me_, Lil. He knows how I stand towards +you. + +LILY. + +Awfully sorry; _I_ can't help it. + +JEYES. + +[_Twining his fingers together._] You see, if Roper and de Castro are +asked, there may be others. + +LILY. + +[_Changing her position._] Oh, lal, lal, lal, lal, la! + +JEYES. + +[_With a set jaw._] Some of the more juvenile "boys," perhaps. +[_Examining his nails._] Lil. + +LILY. + +What? + +JEYES. + +When did you make the acquaintance of the young sprig o' the nobility +who's been here this afternoon? + +LILY. + +Lord Farncombe? Bertie brought him and introduced him one day last +week. + +JEYES. + +Ha! _He's_ at your feet now. + +LILY. + +Phuh! + +JEYES. + +Oh, you may "phuh"! He's in front every blessed night. There he sits, +Row B., three stalls from the end, prompt side! + +LILY. + +There are a few good-looking girls at the Pandora besides your humble +servant. + +JEYES. + +Rubbish! His glass follows you all over the stage. I watched him +talking to you in this room---- + +LILY. + +[_Raising herself._] Did you indeed! + +JEYES. + +[_Beating his clenched hands upon the arms of his chair._] God in +heaven! First it's one, then it's another, chasing you! + +LILY. + +[_Putting her feet to the ground._] Oh, you're maddening, Nicko! You +_are_; you're maddening. Last night it was Stewie Heneage you chose to +be jealous of, simply because you'd heard him sounding my praises at +Catani's! You almost broke the window of the car, you went on so! + +JEYES. + +I confess I object to Heneage, or any man, raving about you at the top +of his voice in a public place. + +LILY. + +Sakes alive, why _shouldn't_ Stewie rave about me in a public place, +if he feels like it! I belong to the public. He might rave about a +girl who's a jolly sight less deserving of being raved about, as a +girl _and_ an artist, than I am. + +JEYES. + +Well, we'll dismiss Heneage. + +LILY. + +Yes, exit Stewie and enter somebody else for you fuss and fume about. +This afternoon it's Lord Farncombe, and to-morrow it'll be a fresh +person altogether. One 'ud think, to hear you, that I don't know how +to take care of myself, and of any poor boy who loses his head over +me! [_Rising and walking away._] You're growing worse and worse with +your jealousy, Nicko. Stop it! I'm surprised at you, after all these +years! It's beginning to fret me, and that's bad for my spirits and +bad for me in business. [_At the tea-table, grabbing a piece of +bread-and-butter and biting at it._] And now you're making me spoil my +dinner-- [_relenting_] and that's not good for me either, you brute! + +JEYES. + +[_His hands hanging loosely between his knees, sighing heavily._] Oh, +Lily, Lily----! + +LILY. + +Yes, oh, Lily, Lily! + +JEYES. + +Why-- why don't you put me out of my misery? + +LILY. + +[_Munching._] Poison you? + +JEYES. + +Marry me. + +LILY. + +[_Behind his chair._] Marry you? [_Taking his handkerchief from his +breast-pocket and wiping her fingers upon it-- sarcastically._] Have +you come to tell me you've got some work to do at last? Break it +gently, Nicko; the shock might be too great for me. + +JEYES. + +Oh, _I'd_ find a billet soon enough, Lil, if only I'd an incentive to +hunt for it. + +LILY. + +Incentive! You _had_ an incentive twelve months ago, when I was +willing to engage myself to you absolutely if you could obtain a good +secretaryship or something of the sort. + +JEYES. + +I-- I've no fancy for a beggarly secretaryship. + +LILY. + +No; all _you've_ a fancy for, seemingly, is for living on your +unfortunate people. [_Throwing him his handkerchief and leaving him._] +How a man of your age can rest satisfied with being a burden to others +passes my dull comprehension! + +JEYES. + +I-- I _have_ been a bit slack, I own-- I _have_ been a bit leisurely; +but---- + +LILY. + +[_Inspecting some of the flowers about the room._] Nicko, that +pendant, or whatever it is, you've given me-- I don't want to hurt +you, but I won't accept it. You take it away with you; do you hear? + +JEYES. + +[_Not heeding her, weakly._] Lil---- + +LILY. + +I'm in earnest; you remove it from off my premises. + +JEYES. + +Lil-- [_she returns to him_] my eldest brother-- Robert-- [_looking up +at her_] Bob-- [_She nods inquiringly._] Bob's at me to go out to +Rhodesia, to manage a group of stock farms he's interested in near +Bulawayo. + +LILY. + +Oh, why don't you go? + +JEYES. + +[_Forlornly._] Rhodesia! Bulawayo! [_Looking up at her again with a +dismal smile._] Come with me? + +LILY. + +Don't be absurd. + +JEYES. + +[_Rising and putting his hands upon her shoulders._] No, you wouldn't +care a straw-- not a brass farthing-- if I _did_ go, would yer! + +LILY. + +[_Softening again._] Stuff! I should miss you horribly. [_Toying with +a button of his waistcoat._] Who'd bring me home from the theatre at +night then, and from rehearsals; who----? + +JEYES. + +Ah, _who_! [_His grip tightening on her._] _Who!_ + +LILY. + +[_Wincing._] Ssss! You'll bruise my skin if you're not careful. + +JEYES. + +[_Taking her hand and crumpling it in his._] Well, it might be that +you'd miss me for a while-- the old dog that you're accustomed to find +lying on your door-mat; [_pressing her hand to his lips_] but you +don't _love_ me, Lil-- not even as much as you did a year ago. You +don't _love_ me! + +LILY. + +[_With a faint shrug of her shoulders._] Perhaps I don't, in the way +you mean; [_wistfully_] perhaps it's not in me really to love anybody +in a marrying way. [_Meeting his eyes._] Still, as you say---- + +JEYES. + +As I say----? + +LILY. + +[_Pursing her mouth at him winningly._] I'm _accustomed_ to you, +Nicko. [_He draws her to him; but, with a laugh, she checks him by +offering him her head to kiss._] There-- [_putting the point of her +finger playfully on the crown of her head_] you may _there_. [_As he +kisses her._] Now I must run upstairs, or mother'll whack me. + +JEYES. + +[_Detaining her._] Won't you allow me to fetch you after the dance? + +LILY. + +Three or four in the morning! No; I'll give you a rest. Uncle Lal or +Sam'll take on your job. [_Going to the door._] And don't try to see +me to-morrow. + +JEYES. + +[_Sharply._] Why not? + +LILY. + +Not till you turn up at night as usual. I shall be a shocking rag all +day. + +JEYES. + +[_Breaking out._] Yes, I expect you'll manage to enjoy yourself +thoroughly, and dance yourself off your feet, whoever your partners +may be! + +LILY. + +[_Wilfully._] Expect I shall. [_Tossing her head up._] Ha, ha! I'll do +my best. + + [_She departs, leaving him standing near the tea-table. He takes out + his handkerchief and mops his brow. As he does so, his eyes rest upon + the telephone-instrument on the writing-table and he stares at it. He + hesitates, as if struggling to resist an impulse; then he goes quickly + to the instrument and puts the receiver to his ear._ + +JEYES. + +[_After a pause._] Gerrard, three, eight, four, eight. [_Discovering +that LILY has left the door wide open, he lays the receiver upon the +writing-table and goes to the door and shuts it. Then he returns to +the writing-table and again listens at the receiver._] Is that the +office of the Pandora Theatre?... [_Suddenly, imitating the voice of +DE CASTRO._] Ith Mithter Morrith Cooling in?... I'm Mithter de Castro +... Tham de Castro ... Gone, ith he?... Oh, ith that you, Mithter +Hickthon?... Yeth, you'll do ... About the thupper-party to-night that +Mithter Smythe ith giving to Mith Parradell ... Yer there?... I didn't +quite underthtand whether ith to be at the theatre or at a rethtaurong +... At the theatre?... Oh, yeth ... A largth party?... Oh, that _ith_ +nithe!... Who are the guesth, d'ye know?... Yeth?... Yeth?... Oh, an' +the boyth!... oh, thome o' the _boyth_ are comin', are they!... +Hey?... Haven't got the litht from Mithter Roper yet?... Oh, _he'th_ +been helpin' to get it up!... Oh, we _shall_ have a thplendid time!... +The boyth!... Yeth!... Yeth!... ha, ha, ha, ha!... thankth.... +goo'bye! + + [_He replaces the receiver and stands looking at the door for a + moment. Then, with his head bent and his hands clasped behind him, he + goes slowly out._ + + END OF THE FIRST ACT. + + + + + THE SECOND ACT + + +_The scene is an artistically decorated refreshment-saloon-- or +"foyer"-- on the first-circle floor of a theatre. The wall facing the +spectator is panelled partly in glass, and through the glazed panels +the corridor behind the circle, and the doors admitting to the circle, +are seen. The right-hand wall is panelled in a similar way, showing +the landing at the top of the principal staircase and an entrance to +the corridor. Some music-stands and stools are on the landing, +arranged for a small orchestra._ + +_In the right-hand wall there is a double swing-door giving on to the +landing; and in the wall at the back, opening on to, and from, the +corridor, there is a single swing-door on the left and another on the +right. The left-hand door is fastened back into the saloon by a hook. +Between the two doors in the back wall runs the refreshment-counter._ + +_In one of the further corners of the saloon there is a plaster statue +representing the Muse of Comedy, in the opposite corner a companion +figure of Dancing. In the wall on the left, the grate hidden by +flowers, is a fireplace with a fender-stool before it, and on either +side of the fireplace there is a capacious and richly upholstered +arm-chair. A settee of like design stands against the wall on the +right between the double-door and the spectator._ + +_The counter is decked-out as a sideboard, and at equal distances from +each other there are four round tables laid for a supper-party of +twenty-six persons. There are eight chairs at one table and six at +each of the others, the chairs being of the sort usually supplied by +ball-caterers._ + +_The saloon and the landing without are brilliantly lighted, the +corridor less brightly._ + + + [_LUIGI and four waiters-- one of whom has a curly head and a fair + beard ending in two flamboyant points-- are putting the finishing + touches to the laying of the tables, while MORRIS COOLING, a person of + imposing presence displaying a vast expanse of shirt-front, is engaged + in placing upon each of the serviettes a card bearing the name of a + guest._ + +COOLING. + +[_Referring to a plan of the tables which he has in his hand._] Miss +Connify-- Miss Connify-- Miss Connify-- where's Miss Connify? Ah, here +you are, my dear-- [_moving to MISS CONNIFY'S chair and putting a card +upon her serviette_] next to old Arthur. + + [_The four waiters, obeying a direction in dumb-show from LUIGI, go + out at the door on the left._ + +LUIGI. + +[_A little, dark, active man-- viewing the tables with satisfaction._] +Tables look nice, Mr. Cooling? + +COOLING. + +[_Absorbed._] Not bad-- not bad-- not bad. [_LUIGI follows the +waiters._] Miss Kato? [_Moving to another table and laying a card upon +a serviette._] Gabrielle. + + [_ROPER bustles in through the double-door, in high feather._ + +ROPER. + +Hul-lo! [_Cutting a caper._] Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, and +how are you to-morrow! + +COOLING. + +[_Deep in his plan of the tables._] Hullo, Lal! + +ROPER. + +[_Surveying the tables._] Splendid! [_Going from one table to +another._] Seating 'em, hey? + +COOLING. + +Mr. Palk-- Mr. Palk-- Mr. Palk? [_Placing another card._] Albert. + +ROPER. + +Which d'ye make your principal table? + +COOLING. + +There it is; you're at it. + +ROPER. + +Ah, yes. [_Examining the cards._] "Miss Lily Parradell--"! [_His jaw +falling._] Why, you've gone and put the Baron on her right! + +COOLING. + +[_Unconsciously._] Well, what's the objection? + +ROPER. + +Where's Farncombe? Where's Lord Farncombe? + +COOLING. + +On the other side, with Dolly Stidulph and Enid. + +ROPER. + +Rats! + +COOLING. + +What do you mean by Rats? [_Advancing to the principal table-- +nettled._] Look heah, Lal----! + +ROPER. + +My dear fellow, Miss Parradell is the heroine o' the party; the seat +next to her is the seat of honour. + +COOLING. + +That's why I've put the Baron there. With things as they are between +England and Germany---- + +ROPER. + +If Germany doesn't like it, she must lump it. Lord Farncombe's the +eldest son of an Earl; you can't get over that. + +COOLING. + +[_Picking up FARNCOMBE'S card._] Oh, have it your own way. + +ROPER. + +[_Picking up VON RETTENMAYER'S card._] Besides, the Baron's sweet on +Enid just now; I'm sure he'd prefer-- [_They exchange the cards and +rearrange them._] thanks, ol' man. Sorry I was shirty. + +COOLING. + +[_Laying down his plan and cards and producing a letter from his +breast-pocket._] By-the-bye, the fair Lily-- the heroine of the party, +as you call her-- is in a pretty tantrum over the whole business. + +ROPER. + +Tantrum? + +COOLING. + +[_Unfolding the letter._] Had this from her ten minutes ago. Listen to +_this_. [_Reading._] "My Dressing-room. 11-15. 80 degrees, with the +windows open." [_In an injured tone._] Haw, so I should think! + +ROPER. + +[_Concerned._] What's amiss? + +COOLING. + +[_Reading._] "Morrie, you pig." [_ROPER whistles._] "Morrie, you pig. +I should feel deeply indebted to you if you would kindly inform me why +the devil you went out of your way to deceive me last night. You led +me to suppose-- and so did that lying worm Lal Roper----" [_looking at +ROPER_] _You._ + +ROPER. + +Oh, lord! + +COOLING. + +[_Resuming._] "--that lying worm Lal Roper----" + +ROPER. + +[_Testily._] All right, all right. + +COOLING. + +"--you both led me to suppose that this rotten banquet was to be a +family gathering of the ladies and gentlemen of the Pandora Theatre, +and no outsiders asked. Now I find that only three or four of the men +of the Company are invited, and I hear from Nita Trevenna, who has got +it from young Kennedy, that several of the Boys are to be laid on for +the occasion. The result is you have made me tell a regular whopper to +a particular friend of mine with regard to this affair----" + +ROPER. + +[_Passing his hand over his brow._] Nicko Jeyes. + +COOLING. + +"--which I will never forgive you for, Morris Cooling-- neither you +nor Lal Roper. As true as I am alive, I have a jolly good mind not to +show, but to put on my old rags and go straight home. You are two +cads. So take it out of that and believe me, Always yours +affectionately, Lil." + +ROPER. + +[_Walking about._] Well, I'm blessed! + +COOLING. + +[_Returning the letter to his pocket._] Haw! Tasty document! + +ROPER. + +Lying worm and a cad! And from Miss Lily Margaret Upjohn! [_To +COOLING._] Done anything about it? + +COOLING. + +No; waited for you. [_Going on with his arrangements at the tables._] +_You're_ responsible. What _I_ did last night was simply to oblige a +pal. + +ROPER. + +[_Irresolutely._] I'd better run round to her, and try to smooth her +down, hadn't I? + +COOLING. + +Perhaps you _had_. [_Placing a card._] Mr. Stewart Heneage. [_To +ROPER._] Why you wanted to mislead the girl I can't understand. + +ROPER. + +Damn it, you agreed that that sulky brute Jeyes 'ud be a wet blanket! +You blow hot and cold, you do! + +COOLING. + +There you go! More filthy temper! + +ROPER. + +If ever I assist in getting up another party----! [_As he reaches the +door on the left, he encounters CARLTON SMYTHE, who is entering at +that moment, and puts on his humourous manner._] Hul-lo! Here we are +again! All change for Oxford Circus! + +SMYTHE. + +[_A bulky, sleepy-looking man with grey hair, a darker moustache and +beard, and a heavy, rolling gait._] Ha, Lal! + +ROPER. + +I'm just going to have a word with Lil Parradell. + + [_He disappears and SMYTHE advances._ + +COOLING. + +[_Approaching SMYTHE._] How are you to-night, Chief? + +SMYTHE. + +[_A silk hat on the back of his head, an overcoat on his arm-- +regarding the preparations with disgust._] Puh! Here's a muck and a +muddle! + +COOLING. + +Don't worry; we'll clear it away in no time. Shall I tell you who are +coming? + +SMYTHE. + +No; I shall know soon enough. What was the house to-night? + +COOLING. + +[_Producing a long slip of paper and handing it to SMYTHE._] Big. +[_SMYTHE scans the paper through half-closed lids and gives a growl of +contentment._] Haw! And the weather dead against us. + +SMYTHE. + +[_Screwing up the paper, and cramming it into his waistcoat-pocket._] +There's no bad weather for a good play. [_Looking at his hands._] I'll +go and have a wash and brush up. [_LUIGI returns, entering at the door +on the left, and goes behind the counter. The waiters follow him, +carrying some melons lying upon ice in plated dishes. They deposit the +dishes upon the counter and LUIGI proceeds to cut the melon into +slices. COOLING resumes, at a table on the left, the placing of the +cards. As SMYTHE is moving towards the right-hand door at the back, +STEWART HENEAGE and GERALD GRIMWOOD-- two exquisitely dressed youths +with blank faces-- enter from the landing. SMYTHE shakes hands with +them._] Ha, Mr. Heneage! Ha, Mr. Grimwood! [_HENEAGE and GRIMWOOD +murmur some polite expressions._] Excuse me; I'm just going to wash my +hands. [_DE CASTRO enters, also at the double-door, and SMYTHE shakes +hands with him. HENEAGE and GRIMWOOD drift over to COOLING, who hails +them warmly._] How do, Sam! Back in a moment; just going to wash my +hands. + +DE CASTRO. + +[_Detaining him._] I thay, Carlton. + +SMYTHE. + +Eh? + +DE CASTRO. + +[_Lowering his voice._] I've been in front again to-night. +Magnifithent! Marvellouth! + +SMYTHE. + +[_Resignedly._] It'll do; I shall get a couple o' years out of it. + +DE CASTRO. + +There'th jutht _one_ little improvement I'd like to thee, if I may +thuggetht it. + +SMYTHE. + +What's that? + +DE CASTRO. + +[_Linking his arm in SMYTHE'S._] You're thure you won't conthider me +prethumptuouth? + +SMYTHE. + +Of course not; very kind of yer. + +DE CASTRO. + +[_In SMYTHE'S ear._] If you _could_ give Gabth-- Mith Kato-- a tiny +bit more to do in the thecond act----! + +SMYTHE. + +[_Nodding._] Ah, yes, yes. + +DE CASTRO. + +She'th a little lump o' talent, that gal, if you only realithed it; +a perfect little lump o' talent. + +SMYTHE. + +[_Trying to escape._] Er-- I'll think it over. + +DE CASTRO. + +Will yer! An extra thong! That'th all it need be-- an extra thong! Oh, +it would be _thuch_ an improvement! [_VON RETTENMAYER enters at the +double-door. The waiters now go to the tables and lay a plate with a +slice of melon upon it at each cover._] Here'th the Baron. We've been +thitting together to-night, I and the Baron. [_Wringing SMYTHE'S +hand._] Thankth. [_Joining COOLING and the others on the left as +SMYTHE greets VON RETTENMAYER._] Hullo, Morrith! [_Shaking hands with +HENEAGE and GRIMWOOD._] Well, boyth! + +SMYTHE. + +[_Shaking hands with VON RETTENMAYER._] Glad to see yer, Baron. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +Zo good of you to haf me. + +SMYTHE. + +Excuse me; I'm just going to wash my hands. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Detaining him._] Bardon me-- one moment---- + +SMYTHE. + +Eh? + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Dropping his voice._] May I dake the liberdy of indulging in a +liddle griticism on your eggcellent blay? + +SMYTHE. + +Certainly. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Drawing SMYTHE away from the tables._] Gome here. [_His mouth close +to SMYTHE'S ear._] The zecond aggd! + +SMYTHE. + +Second act; what's the matter with it? + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +The pard where the gharming Miss Barradell is ghanging her gostume---- + +SMYTHE. + +Yes? + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +That is where the biece reguires lifding-- [_with a gesture_] lifding. + +SMYTHE. + +Lifting? + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +Mr. Davish-- Mr. Balk-- eggsdremely glever; [_slipping his arm through +SMYTHE'S_] but if you could zee your way glear to gif Enid-- Miss +Mongreiff-- anoder dance---- + +SMYTHE. + +[_Nodding._] Ah, h'm, h'm. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +It would remove the zolitary imberfection. + +SMYTHE. + +Er-- I'll think it over. [_Releasing himself._] I'm just going to wash +my hands. We'll talk about it later. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +Schoensten Dank. [_Going to the men on the left._] Aha, Mr. Gooling! +My dear Steward-- my dear Jerry----! + + [_As SMYTHE is again making for the door on the left, MRS. STIDULPH + enters from the landing with COLONEL STIDULPH._ + +SMYTHE. + +[_To MRS. STIDULPH._] Ha, Dolly! [_Kissing her._] How are you, my +dear? + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +[_A mature but still beautiful woman, gorgeously dressed and wearing +showy jewels-- with a lofty air._] How are you, Carlton? + +SMYTHE. + +[_To STIDULPH._] How d'ye do, Arthur? Delighted to see yer. + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +Lucky I'm able to come to you to-night. It's so difficult to catch me +in the season. + +SMYTHE. + +Been in front? + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +M'yes; [_in a tone of boredom_] oh, yes. + +SMYTHE. + +What, don't you like it? + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +Oh, I don't say I _dis_like it; [_shrugging her shoulders_] but one +can't forget what one _used_ to do here in the old days. + +STIDULPH. + +[_An elderly, distinguished-looking man with a meek voice and a +courteous but rather nervous manner._] I've had a most enjoyable +evening, Carlton. So bright; so very bright! + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +[_To STIDULPH, sneeringly._] Oh, anything pleases _you_; _you'd_ laugh +at Punch and Judy. + +SMYTHE. + +I'm just running away to wash my hands. [_Looking towards the men on +the left._] You know Von Rettenmayer? + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +Know him! Why, he was about in my time! [_Crossing to VON RETTENMAYER, +followed by STIDULPH._] Karl! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +My dear lady! [_Kissing her hand perfunctorily._] What bliss! +[_Shaking hands with STIDULPH._] Golonel! + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +[_Shaking hands with DE CASTRO._] How are you, Sam? + +DE CASTRO. + +Ah, Dolly! [_To STIDULPH._] Hullo, Arthur! + +COOLING. + +[_Presenting HENEAGE and GRIMWOOD to the STIDULPHS._] Mr. Stewart +Heneage-- Mr. Gerald Grimwood---- + + [_As the STIDULPHS leave SMYTHE, HERBERT FULKERSON enters from the + landing with FARNCOMBE. In dumb-show, SMYTHE and FULKERSON greet each + other and then FULKERSON introduces FARNCOMBE._ + +SMYTHE. + +[_Shaking hands with FARNCOMBE._] Glad to make your acquaintance. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Glad to make _yours_, Mr. Smythe-- and in such circumstances! + +FULKERSON. + +[_A white-faced young man with red eyes and of dissipated appearance-- +espying MRS. STIDULPH._] By Jove, if it isn't Dolly Ensor! [_Hurrying +to MRS. STIDULPH._] What cheer, Dolly! + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +[_Coldly._] How do you do, Mr. Fulkerson? + +FULKERSON. + +[_Slightly abashed._] Oh, I-- I'm pretty middlin', thanks; hope you're +the same. [_Nodding to STIDULPH._] Evenin', Arthur. + + [_VINCENT BLAND has sauntered in at the door on the left and now joins + the group surrounding the STIDULPHS._ + +BLAND. + +[_Nodding to HENEAGE and GRIMWOOD._] H'lo, Stewart! H'lo, Jerry! +[_Coming to the STIDULPHS._] Dolly----Colonel---- + +SMYTHE. + +[_To FARNCOMBE._] I'll be back in a minute or two; I'm just going to +wash my hands. + +FULKERSON. + +[_Calling to FARNCOMBE._] Hi! Eddie! + + [_FARNCOMBE crosses to FULKERSON and is presented by him to the + STIDULPHS. GABRIELLE KATO enters at the right-hand door at the back, + meeting SMYTHE as he is going out. The waiters have finished setting + the plates of melon upon the tables and now withdraw, carrying the + plated dishes and preceded by LUIGI, at the door on the left._ + +SMYTHE. + +[_To GABRIELLE._] Ha, Gabby, my dear! Quite well, eh? + +GABRIELLE. + +[_A pretty young woman with a fretful little face expressive of +extreme dissatisfaction with the world-- looking at SMYTHE +spiritlessly._] This _is_ a treat. Why, you haven't been to see us for +ages. + +SMYTHE. + +[_Cunningly._] I see you all far oftener than you suspect. + +GABRIELLE. + +Do you? That _is_ sly of you. + +SMYTHE. + +[_Leaving her._] I'm just going to have a wash and brush up. + +GABRIELLE. + +Really? Oh, you _are_ full of news. + + [_He departs as DE CASTRO approaches GABRIELLE._ + +DE CASTRO. + +[_In a low voice._] Hullo, Gabth! How are you to-night? + +GABRIELLE. + +Oh, I'm all right, I s'pose. Isn't it hot? + +DE CASTRO. + +[_Not at his ease with her._] It _ith_ inclined that way. + + [_DAPHNE DURE, NITA TREVENNA, DOUGLAS GLYNN, and ALBERT PALK enter at + the door on the left. NITA is a tall, handsome girl, DAPHNE a plump, + little, fair, baby-faced thing. They are charmingly dressed, as are + all the ladies of the Pandora Theatre. GLYNN and PALK-- the latter a + short, thick-set man who might reasonably be a low comedian-- are two + professional-looking gentlemen of the best class. The arrivals are + warmly hailed by FULKERSON, VON RETTENMAYER, HENEAGE, and GRIMWOOD + and, with more reserve, by MRS. STIDULPH. STIDULPH has seated himself + wearily in the armchair on the nearer side of the fireplace and, + beyond listening to BLAND who is talking to him, has withdrawn himself + from the proceedings._ + +FULKERSON. + +[_To FARNCOMBE._] Here's Daphne Dure-- and Nita Trevenna. [_Going to +the new comers._] Hullo, Daphne! Hullo, Nita! How'r'yer, Douglas! +Hullo, Albert! + +DAPHNE and NITA. + +How d'ye do, Bertie? [_To VON RETTENMAYER._] How d'ye do, Von? + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Kissing their hands._] Dear ladies! [_To GLYNN and PALK._] Aha, Mr. +Glynn-- Mr. Balk--! + +DAPHNE and NITA. + +[_To HENEAGE and GRIMWOOD._] How d'ye do, Stewie? How d'ye do, Jerry? +[_To MRS. STIDULPH._] Oh, Dolly! That you, Dolly? + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +Well, girls! + +FULKERSON. + +Here! I want to introdooce Lord Farncombe. Miss Dure-- Miss Trevenna-- +Lord Farncombe. Douglas-- Albert-- Lord Farncombe. + +NITA. + +[_Pouncing upon Cooling._] I say, Morris! + +COOLING. + +What is it, my dear? + +NITA. + +Is it true that little Kennedy's met with an accident? + +COOLING. + +Yes; can't join us. + +FULKERSON. + +The Dwarf! What's happened? + +COOLING. + +Ran his car into a 'bus, just outside the theatre. + +NITA. + +Oh! + +COOLING. + +Pitched himself forward on to his head. + +NITA. + +His head! + +DAPHNE. + +[_With a simper._] Don't be anxious, Nita; there's nothing to hurt +_there_. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +Poor Dwarf! + + [_GABRIELLE and DE CASTRO now move over to the others._ + +FULKERSON. + +Hullo, Gabs! Hullo, Sam! + +GABRIELLE. + +Ah, Bertie! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Kissing GABRIELLE'S hand._] Gabrielle! + +GABRIELLE. + +Ah, Von! [_To HENEAGE and GRIMWOOD._] Ah, boys! [_To MRS. STIDULPH._] +How'r' _you_? + +DE CASTRO. + +[_Shaking hands._] Daphne-- Nita-- Douglath-- Albert--! + +FULKERSON. + +I want to introdooce Lord Farncombe. Miss Kato-- Lord Farncombe---- + + [_A band of musicians have mustered upon the landing and there is the + sound of the tuning of instruments._ + +COOLING. + +[_Hurrying across to the double-door._] No, no; no music yet. Wait for +Miss Parradell! [_As he reaches the double-door, ROPER enters quickly +at the right-hand door at the back and seizes his arm._] Eh? + +ROPER. + +[_To COOLING._] It's all right; she'll be round in a minute. + +COOLING. + +Amiable? + +ROPER. + +Angelic. She's wearing a new dress, and that's taken her mind off it. + +COOLING. + +Her bark's always worse than her bite. I knew it 'ud blow over. + +ROPER. + +[_Formidably._] Oh, but I have given her such a talking to! [_COOLING +passes through the double-door, and instructs the leader of the band, +while ROPER bustles over to the throng on the left._] Hul-lo! +[_Imitating a street news-vendor._] Speshul edishun, cricket, py-per! +[_Shaking hands all round._] Dolly-- Nita-- Gabs-- Daphne! Douglas-- +Albert! Ah, here you are, Farncombe! [_Discovering STIDULPH._] Hul-lo, +Colonel! Results, py-per, extry speshul! + + [_ENID MONCREIFF, WILFRID TAVISH, and SIGISMUND SHIRLEY enter at the + right-hand door at the back. ENID is a long, spare-figured girl with + the lissom walk of a dancer; TAVISH and SHIRLEY are tall, clean-shaven + men of gentlemanlike appearance. VON RETTENMAYER makes for ENID + eagerly and is followed, at a more moderate pace, by HENEAGE, + GRIMWOOD, and DE CASTRO, and by FULKERSON bringing FARNCOMBE._ + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +Miss Mongreiff! [_Kissing ENID'S hand with fervour._] Your dancing was +more zurprizing to-night than ever. [_To TAVISH and SHIRLEY._] Aha, my +friends! + +ENID. + +[_Shaking hands with HENEAGE, GRIMWOOD, and DE CASTRO._] Well, Stew! +How are you, Jerry! Sam! + +FULKERSON. + +I want to introdooce Lord Farncombe. Miss Moncreiff-- Lord Farncombe. + +ROPER. + +[_Hurrying across._] Hul-lo, here's Enid! + +DE CASTRO. + +[_Shaking hands with TAVISH and SHIRLEY._] Piethe went thplendidly +thith evenin', didn't it? + +FULKERSON. + +[_Shaking hands with TAVISH and SHIRLEY._] I want to introdooce Lord +Farncombe. Mr. Tavish-- Mr. Shirley-- Lord Farncombe. + +ENID. + +[_Coming forward to greet MRS. STIDULPH who advances to her._] Dolly +dear! + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +[_Embracing ENID._] Enid darling! Good gracious, you're becoming an +absolute skeleton! + +ENID. + +Indeed? Well, no one can say that of _you_. + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +It _is_ a pleasure, meeting all you girls to-night. Of course, one +can't help seeing _changes_. + +ENID. + +[_Icily._] Ah, it must be a pleasure, _that_. + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +I'm going to scold dear old Carlton by-and-by. He never gave _me_ a +birthday-party when I was with him. + +ENID. + +No; and you had so many birthdays here, hadn't you? + + [_COOLING returns, entering from the landing, and, after looking at + the assembly, goes out at the right-hand door at the back. At the same + moment, FLO CONNIFY, SYBIL DERMOTT, OLGA COOK, and EVANGELINE + VENTRIS-- four statuesque beauties with impassive faces-- enter at the + door on the left. OLGA is in a dark gown and EVANGELINE is wearing a + rather elaborate head-dress. Instantly there is a movement in the + direction of the new arrivals on the part of ROPER, HENEAGE, and + GRIMWOOD. DE CASTRO and FULKERSON follow, FULKERSON still leading + FARNCOMBE about with him. MRS. STIDULPH turns from ENID disdainfully + and joins NITA and DAPHNE at the fireplace. TAVISH and SHIRLEY also + move to the left, where they come upon STIDULPH and shake hands with + him, while VON RETTENMAYER and ENID, the latter flushed with victory, + seat themselves upon the settee on the right._ + +ROPER. + +[_Hastening to the beauties._] Hul-lo! Show your tickets, please! Room +inside for four! [_Shaking hands._] How are you, Flo! How are you, +Sybil! How are you, Olga! I _say_, look at 'Vangy! + +THE FOUR BEAUTIES. + +[_As the men shake hands with them, mechanically._] How d'ye do? How +d'ye do? How d'ye do? How d'ye do? + +FULKERSON. + +Here! I want to introdooce Lord Farncombe. Miss Connify-- Lord +Farncombe. Miss Dermott-- Miss Cook-- Miss 'Vangy Ventris-- Lord +Farncombe. + +THE FOUR BEAUTIES. + +[_As before._] How d'ye do? How d'ye do? How d'ye do? How d'ye do? + + [_COOLING hurries back._ + +COOLING. + +[_To everybody._] Miss Parradell! [_Opening the double-door and +signalling to the leader of the band._] Now! + + [_The band strikes up the air of "Mind the Paint" as LILY enters at + the right-hand door at the back with JIMMIE BIRCH. LILY is dressed in + white, and altogether fulfils exteriorly ROPER'S description of + "angelic." She carries a large bouquet of lilies and pale roses with a + broad ribbon flowing from it. All the men but FARNCOMBE, who holds + aloof, press round her, STIDULPH rising and joining them. The ladies + follow._ + +THE MEN. + +[_Struggling for her hand._] Many happy returns of day! Many happy +returns of the day! Many happy returns of the day! + +JIMMIE. + +[_Battling with the men._] Keep away from her! Bertie, you're on her +frock! Mind her frock! + +ROPER. + +Mind the paint! + +SOME OF THE MEN. + +Ha, ha, ha! + +LILY. + +[_Holding her bouquet above her head._] My roses! Be careful of me, +boys! One at a time! + +THE MEN. + +Many happy returns of the day! + +LILY. + +I want to kiss the girls. Girls----! + + [_The men make way for the ladies who come to LILY._ + +THE LADIES. + +Many happy returns of the day! + +LILY. + +[_Embracing them._] Sybil-- Nita--! Oh, Mrs. Stidulph!-- Enid-- +Daphne-- Gabs-- Flo dear-- Olga-- 'Vangy----! + +PALK. + +[_Suddenly._] Here's the guv'nor! + + [_SMYTHE enters at the door on the left. LUIGI and the waiters are + behind him, the waiters carrying trays on which are sugar-casters and + dishes of powdered ginger. At once there is a movement towards SMYTHE + of everybody except those who have already greeted him, and LILY who + is detained by ROPER and others._ + +TAVISH. + +How are you, guv'nor? + +SOME OF THE LADIES. + +How d'ye do, Mr. Smythe? + +OTHER LADIES. + +[_Hustling him._] How are you, Carlton? + +SMYTHE. + +[_In the midst of them all._] Girls, girls! I'll shake hands with you +all in turn, girls. + +ENID. + +Thought you were dead. + +DAPHNE. + +Yes; look at Olga-- she's in deep mourning. + +SOME OF THE LADIES. + +Ha, ha, ha! + +SMYTHE. + +[_Shaking hands._] Don't, girls, don't; you're smothering me. + +LILY. + +[_During a momentary lull, finding FARNCOMBE standing before her and +raising her eyebrows._] You! [_Giving him her hand carelessly._] Oh, +it isn't long before we meet again, is it? + +SMYTHE. + +[_Puffing and blowing._] That's the lot of yer. Phew! Where's Lily? +Lily here? [_The crowd divides, to allow him to advance. Seeing LILY, +he opens his arms and she goes to him and lays her head upon his +breast._] Lil-- [_patting her shoulders_] my dear! + +LILY. + +[_Half gaily, half tearfully._] Ha, ha, ha! Carlton! + +SMYTHE. + +Go'blessyer! [_In another tone._] Well, what about something to eat! + +LUIGI. + +Ready, Mr. Smythe. [_Loudly._] Ladies and gentlemen, supper is ready! + +SMYTHE. + +Ha! + +COOLING. + +[_At the principal table._] Here you are, Chief! Miss Parradell! + +SMYTHE. + +[_To LILY._] Come along! + + [_There is a general hunt for places and much hubbub and confusion._ + +COOLING. + +[_Calling to ROPER._] Lal, that's your table. + +ROPER. + +[_Imitating a shop-walker._] Mr. Roper, forward! + +COOLING. + +Mrs. Stidulph! Lord Farncombe! [_Pointing to another table._] Glynn, +you're there. + +BLAND. + +Here you are, Daphne! + +ROPER. + +[_At his table._] Miss Kato, wanted! + +DE CASTRO. + +[_Calling to GABRIELLE._] Gabth! + +NITA. + +[_Calling to HENEAGE._] Stewie! + +COOLING. + +Baron-- Enid---- + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +Aha! + +COOLING. + +[_To STIDULPH._] Over there, Colonel. + +FULKERSON. + +[_Wandering about._] Where am _I_? Where am _I_? + +NITA. + +[_Pushing him aside._] Oh, be off! + +LILY. + +[_Calling._] Jimmie! + +COOLING. + +[_At his place at a table._] Olga, you're here. Mr. Grimwood! + +FULKERSON. + +Where am _I_? + +JIMMIE. + +[_To FULKERSON._] Next to me, worse luck. [_Screwing up her face at +him._] Ugh! + +ROPER. + +Ladies' mantles on the second-floor! + +COOLING. + +Where's Sybil? + +DAPHNE. + +[_Calling._] Syb! Syb! + + [_The curtain falls, but the music of "Mind the Paint" continues for a + while. Then it ceases and, after a short silence, the curtain rises + again. The supper-tables have disappeared and the saloon is empty of + people. The musicians and their music-stands and stools have also + gone, and faintly from the distance comes the sound of a waltz. Two + settees, matching the rest of the furniture, now stand in the centre + of the saloon back-to-back, one of them facing the counter, the other + facing the spectator. LILY'S bouquet lies on the nearer of the two + settees, and upon the floor there is a fan, a red rose that has fallen + from a lady's corsage, and a pocket-handkerchief with a powder-puff + peeping from it. On the counter there are carafes of lemonade, + decanters of spirits and syphons of soda-water, a bowl of + strawberries-and-cream, various dishes of cakes, boxes of cigars and + cigarettes, a lighted spirit-lamp, and other adjuncts of a buffet. + COLONEL STIDULPH wanders in through the double-door as the waltz comes + to an end. Feebly and dejectedly he goes to the counter, takes a + cigarette, and is lighting it when LUIGI and the waiters enter the + door on the left. Two of the waiters are carrying bottles of champagne + in wine-coolers, another brings a tray on which are champagne-glasses + and tumblers, and the bearded waiter follows with a large dish of + sandwiches._ + +LUIGI. + +[_Behind the counter-- to STIDULPH, familiarly._] Ain't you dancing, +Colonel? + +STIDULPH. + +Dancing-- I? [_Shaking his head._] No. + +LUIGI. + +[_Who speaks Cockney English with a slight foreign ascent-- cutting +the wire of a champagne bottle._] Why, you used to be a regular +slap-up dancing man when I first knew you. + +STIDULPH. + +[_Nodding._] Ah, ah; [_moving away_] my dancing days are done. + +LUIGI. + +Done! Oh, I like that! I bet you ain't sixty, come now, eh? + +STIDULPH. + +What's the time, Luigi? I haven't a watch on. + +LUIGI. + +Time, Colonel? [_Looking at his watch._] Twenty to three. + +STIDULPH. + +No later? [_Sitting on the settee on the right, with a sigh._] Oh, +dear! + + [_One of the waiters goes out, in obedience to a direction from LUIGI, + at the door on the left as HENEAGE enters with ENID, GRIMWOOD with + NITA, and VON RETTENMAYER with MRS. STIDULPH at the right-hand door at + the back. A wisp of hair has fallen over HENEAGE'S forehead, GRIMWOOD + looks somewhat downcast, and VON RETTENMAYER is obviously bored by + MRS. STIDULPH._ + +ENID. + +[_To HENEAGE, walking across to the left._] Never been to Ostend! +You've never been born, then. I'm counting the hours to my holiday. +[_Sitting in the chair on the nearer side of the fireplace._] Hôtel de +la Plage. Why don't you run over while I'm there? + +NITA. + +[_To GRIMWOOD, following ENID._] My dear boy, I give you my solemn +word it wasn't you. It was that fool Bertie. Anyhow, it's a rotten old +frock. [_Showing a small rent in her skirt to ENID, gaily._] Pom, +pa-ra, rom, pom, pom! + + [_HENEAGE and GRIMWOOD go to the counter, secure a waiter, and return + with him to ENID and NITA. The waiter receives his orders and + presently fetches the ladies glasses of lemonade._ + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +[_Whispering to VON RETTENMAYER._] Well! Did you ever! Just fancy! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Absently, looking at ENID._] I beg your bardon? + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +Fancy those two girls walking into a room before _us_! [_Discovering +the fan upon the floor._] Oh, I do believe that's my fan! + + [_VON RETTENMAYER restores the fan to MRS. STIDULPH as ROPER and + GABRIELLE enter at the door on the left._ + +GABRIELLE. + +[_To ROPER, in a low, complaining voice._] It's a shame of you; that's +what it is. You went and put Lily Parradell into rubber and enabled +_her_ to make a bit. She told us so. + +ROPER. + +Yes; but how long ago? + +GABRIELLE. + +That's not the point. The point is, it's always Lily Parradell with +you; you never do anything for us other girls. + + [_She sits upon the nearer settee in the centre and she and ROPER, he + standing by her, continue their conversation._ + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +[_To VON RETTENMAYER._] No, thanks; I'm on a diet. Didn't you notice +me at supper? [_Moving to the settee on the right._] Let's sit. [_To +STIDULPH._] Oh, get up. [_STIDULPH rises quickly._] Why aren't you +dancing? If you don't dance, go home and put yourself to bed. You +might, for all the good you're doing here. + +STIDULPH. + +[_With a forced, painful laugh._] Ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_As MRS. STIDULPH seats herself._] Blenty of room for you too, +Golonel. + +STIDULPH. + +No, no; I won't inconvenience you. + + [_He moves away and VON RETTENMAYER sits beside MRS. STIDULPH. The + waiter who has previously gone out now returns at the door on the left + with a tray of ices in paper cases. He goes to the counter for a + supply of ice-spoons as FARNCOMBE enters with LILY at the right-hand + door at the back. Her cheeks are flushed, her eyes sparkling._ + +ROPER. + +[_All his attention suddenly directed to LILY and FARNCOMBE._] Here's +Lil! + +LILY. + +[_Excitedly, seizing STIDULPH'S hand._] You're not dancing, Colonel +Stidulph. [_Showing him her programme._] Dance with me. I'll make one +of the others give up a dance for you. + +STIDULPH. + +[_Going to the counter._] No, no; I'm too old. + +LILY. + +Too old for dancing! I shall never be too old for dancing. [_Coming to +the nearer settee in the centre, picking up her bouquet, and sitting +beside GABRIELLE._] Ah-h-h-h! + +ROPER. + +[_To FARNCOMBE, who follows LILY._] Hul-lo! [_Beaming._] Jolly party, +hey, Farncombe? + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Boyishly._] Lovely! [_To LILY._] May I bring you some lemonade-- an +ice----? + +LILY. + +[_Looking up at him._] You may keep on bringing me ices till the music +starts again. [_FARNCOMBE leaves her._] Gabby, wasn't that waltz +delicious! + + [_PALK and SYBIL enter at the door on the left. SYBIL seats herself + beside NITA on the fender-stool and PALK fetches her some + refreshment._ + +GABRIELLE. + +[_To LILY, drearily._] I say, Lil. + +LILY. + +What? + +GABRIELLE. + +How much did you make out of rubber last year through Lal? + +LILY. + +Rubber, rubber, rubber? Br-r-r-rh! I don't know. [_To ROPER._] How +much? + +ROPER. + +Four-fifty. + +GABRIELLE. + +There! + +LILY. + +I did my house up with it-- gave the job to young Charlie Ramsden +who's gone in for decorating---- + +ROPER. + +Yes, and blued the whole lot at one go! + +LILY. + +[_Laughing._] Blued it completely. Ha, ha, ha! [_Singing._] "What does +the blue sea Whisper to me-ee--!" [_FARNCOMBE appears at her side with +the waiter carrying the ices._] Ices! + +ROPER. + +[_Leaving GABRIELLE and, with his hands in his pockets, walking about +exultingly._] Ices, sweets or chocolates, full piano-score! Hul-lo, +here! Ha, ha, ha! + + [_GLYNN and OLGA and DE CASTRO and EVANGELINE have entered at the + right-hand door at the back. OLGA and EVANGELINE seat themselves upon + the further settee in the centre and GLYNN and DE CASTRO summon a + waiter to attend upon them. SHIRLEY and FLO now enter at the door on + the left and go to the counter. At the same moment SMYTHE, COOLING, + and TAVISH enter at the right-hand door at the back, SMYTHE smoking a + huge cigar. They also stand at the counter and are served with drinks + by LUIGI. LILY and GABRIELLE having each taken an ice, the waiter with + the ices moves away and offers his ices to the other ladies. Another + waiter carries round a tray on which are a box of cigarettes and the + spirit-lamp, and the bearded waiter moves about with the dish of + sandwiches. Some of the ladies light cigarettes, a few of the men take + sandwiches._ + +COOLING. + +[_As he enters with SMYTHE and TAVISH._] Haw, haw, haw! You're +wonderful, Chief. [_To TAVISH._] The Chief's in great form, Willy. +[_To STIDULPH._] Colonel, listen to the Chief. + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +[_To VON RETTENMAYER, confidentially._] Of course, this is strictly +between ourselves-- though I almost hinted as much to Smythe-- but the +fact is the Pandora isn't in the least what it _was_, Karl. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +Noding is what it was, my dear Dolly, and nobody. + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +[_Fanning herself._] I suppose he can't find the artists; _that's_ it. +If you don't have the artists--! [_Shutting up her fan._] You +recollect my "Polly Taggart" in _The Merry Milliner_? + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Stifling a yawn._] Gharming; gharming. + + [_FARNCOMBE is bending over LILY while she is eating her ice and they + are talking lightly but intently. GABRIELLE, finding that she is "out + of it," rises with a pout and, carrying her plate, joins the ladies + and men who are at the fireplace. BLAND enters with JIMMIE at the door + on the left._ + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +[_To VON RETTENMAYER._] I hate blowing my own trumpet, but I was +looking through my press-cuttings only yesterday. _I've_ never seen +such notices as I had for "Polly Taggart." + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Closing his eyes._] Vavourable? + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +Favourable! They make me blush to read them. Stupid of me; but they +make me blush, positively. + + [_JIMMIE comes to LILY, BLAND following her. On her way she sees the + handkerchief and powder-puff lying upon the floor._ + +JIMMIE. + +Why, _there_ it is! [_Picking up the handkerchief and puff, and +rubbing the puff, which is an extremely ragged one, over her nose-- +singing sentimentally._] "There are no friends like the old friends, +The constant, tried, and true;--" [_Sitting beside LILY._] Room for a +little 'un? + + [_LILY, without interrupting her talk with FARNCOMBE, lays her hand on + JIMMIE'S for a moment._ + +BLAND. + +[_To JIMMIE._] Bring you anything? + +JIMMIE. + +[_Wrapping the puff in the handkerchief tenderly and slipping it into +her bosom._] A liqueur of petrol and a lucifer-match. + +BLAND. + +[_Leaving her._] Oh, go on! + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +[_To VON RETTENMAYER._] And then to give it all up, as I was idiot +enough to do when I married, and for a life as dull as ditch-water! If +ever a woman sacrificed herself in this world----! + + [_FULKERSON and DAPHNE enter at the door on the left and hurry to the + counter._ + +FULKERSON. + +[_Boisterously._] Time! Time! [_To those standing at the counter._] +'Low me. 'Low me. [_To LUIGI._] Glass o' lemonade and a +whiskey-and-soda. Quick with the whiskey-and-soda. + +MRS. STIDULPH. + +[_To VON RETTENMAYER._] But I don't intend to stick to _that_ +arrangement. If I can't get back into the theatres, there are the +halls! I was telling the Colonel this morning---- + +ROPER. + +[_Appearing before MRS. STIDULPH, his programme in his hand._] Ours, +Dolly. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Rising with alacrity._] Aha! [_Bowing to MRS. STIDULPH._] I yield +with relugtance. + + [_ROPER sits beside MRS. STIDULPH and VON RETTENMAYER hastens to + ENID._ + +ROPER. + +[_To MRS. STIDULPH._] Another waltz. + +DAPHNE. + +[_To HENEAGE, who is claiming her._] Wait till I've finished my drink, +Stewie. + +BLAND. + +[_To NITA._] Nita. + +NITA. + +No; this is with Douglas. + +BLAND. + +Nothing o' the sort. + +NITA. + +[_Referring to her programme._] You're correct; my mistake. + +DE CASTRO. + +[_Coming to GABRIELLE who is talking to SYBIL._] Gabth. + +GABRIELLE. + +[_Dolefully._] Oh, you again! + +DE CASTRO. + +[_Mortified._] Afraid tho. + + [_The sound of distant music is again heard, and there is a great deal + of bustle as the men claim their partners. TAVISH goes to EVANGELINE, + GRIMWOOD to, FLO, PALK and GLYNN to OLGA and SYBIL, and gradually the + assemblage melts away._ + +FULKERSON. + +[_Coming to JIMMIE, who is conning her programme, and standing before +her-- reading from his programme._] "_Vawlse. Cry dee cure._" + +JIMMIE. + +[_With withering accuracy._] "_Valse. Cri de coeur._" + +FULKERSON. + +[_Wagging his head._] Very likely. Come along, Jimmie. + +JIMMIE. + +[_Rising and shaking herself out._] Jane to you, _if_ you please. + +FULKERSON. + +Tosh! + +JIMMIE. + +I was christened Jane, _Herbert_. + +FULKERSON. + +Well, I wasn't at the christening, see. + +JIMMIE. + +No; but if you are not more careful of those feet of yours while +you're waltzing, you _will_ be at my funeral. + + [_She takes his arm and they go out at the door on the left. SMYTHE, + STIDULPH, COOLING, and SHIRLEY follow, talking together. All the + couples have now disappeared except VON RETTENMAYER and ENID and + FARNCOMBE and LILY. VON RETTENMAYER and ENID are at the counter, where + LUIGI is giving VON RETTENMAYER a glass of champagne, and the waiters + are busying themselves in collecting the soiled glasses, plates, etc., + which have been left upon the mantel-piece and chairs. The bearded + waiter comes to LILY and she hands him her plate._ + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_To LILY._] Shall we go down? + + [_She rises, leaving her bouquet upon the settee, and is about to put + her arm through FARNCOMBE'S when she checks herself and looks at her + programme._ + +LILY. + +[_Frowning._] Tsss! + +FARNCOMBE. + +Eh? + +LILY. + +[_In a low voice._] One, two, three, four--! Why, this-- this is our +fifth dance! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Softly._] Yes. + +LILY. + +Five out of eight! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Looking at his programme._] And 10, 12, and 14 are mine, too. + +LILY. + +[_With a movement of her shoulders, accepting his arm._] How unfair! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_As they go to the right-hand door at the back._] Unfair? + +LILY. + +To the others. I can't think what made me so thoughtless. + + [_They disappear. Two of the waiters carry out the soiled glasses, + etc.; another follows with the ices, and the bearded waiter with the + strawberries-and-cream. After a while, LUIGI also withdraws._ + +ENID. + +[_Leaving the counter with VON RETTENMAYER._] Well, what did you say +to him? + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +I told him the biece wants lifding in the zecond aggd and that he +ought to gif you anoder dance. + +ENID. + +[_On the right._] What did _he_ say? + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +He will think it over! + +ENID. + +[_Scornfully._] Ha! That's Smythe's invariable formula, cunning old +fox! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +But we are to dalk aboud it lader. I am waiding to ged him alone. + +ENID. + +Pff! _You_ won't get him alone, you stupid; _he'll_ take precious good +care of that. [_Finding that LUIGI and the waiters have departed, and +walking across to the left._] Ah, but it isn't dancing my mind's +dwelling on just now, dear boy. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Following her._] Nod? + +ENID. + +It's rest I'm yearning for-- my holiday!-- rest for my weary bones. +[_Turning to him without a sign of disturbance._] Karl, I'm simply +bursting with rage. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +Rage? + +ENID. + +That wretched hotel at Ostend-- the Plage! They've the confounded +impudence to ask me a hundred-and-twenty-five francs a day for two +cubby-holes on the third floor, for my aunt and me. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +Monsdrous. [_With a shrug._] But Ostend is-- Ostend. + +ENID. + +Thanks for the information. Is that all the sympathy you can offer? + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +Bardon. [_Humbly._] There may be gheaper hodels. + +ENID. + +Where the common people pay for their beds and meals with Cook's +coupons! [_Sitting upon the arm of the further settee in the centre +and swinging her feet._] Oh, it doesn't matter. I suppose it'll have +to be Swanage, or some brisk resort of that description. [_Sighing._] +So be it! [_Humming._] Tra, lal, lal, la----! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Sitting on the nearer settee in the centre, close to her, with an +anxious expression._] A hundred-and-twendy-five frangks a day? + +ENID. + +Including nothing-- absolutely nothing! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Biting his nails._] Prezisely! There's the eading and dringking. + +ENID. + +One can't starve, that's certain. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +Which would amound to----? + +ENID. + +[_Watching him out of the corner of her eye._] I believe aunt and I +could manage to feed ourselves on forty francs a day-- or fifty-- at a +pinch. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_His face growing longer and longer._] A hundred-and-twendy-five-- +and fifdy---- + +ENID. + +A hundred-and-seventy-five. [_Stroking his hair with a finger._] Call +it two hundred. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Leaning back appalled._] Fifdy-sigs bounds a weeg! + +ENID. + +Sixty, in round figures. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +For a fordnight? + +ENID. + +Oh, no, dear; a fortnight's no use. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +But one begomes sig of a blace afder a fordnight. + +ENID. + +If you only go for enjoyment; not if you go for rest-- rest. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +Three weegs, then? + +ENID. + +A month. Smythe gives me the whole of August. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Passing his hand across his forehead._] A month! + +ENID. + +[_Rising and carefully picking a piece of fluff from her skirt._] +We're losing this dance. Shall we have a turn? + + [_He gets to his feet with some difficulty and then faces her._ + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Breathing heavily._] Enid---- + +ENID. + +[_Guilelessly._] Yes? + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Putting his heels together and bowing to her._] If you would permid +me to be your bangker during your sday at Ostend-- four weegs---- + +ENID. + +Karl---- + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +I should be mosd gradified. + +ENID. + +[_Going to him._] I couldn't. Such an obligation! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Bowing again._] On my side. + +ENID. + +[_Giving him her hands._] Of course, I'd defray my travelling +expenses, and tips and incidentals---- + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Raising her hands to his lips._] Ah!---- + +ENID. + +Not a penny of those should fall on you. [_Withdrawing her hands +quickly and backing away from him._] H'sh! + + [_STIDULPH enters at the door on the left and again wanders to the + counter._ + +STIDULPH. + +[_Taking another cigarette._] You're missing a very pretty waltz, Miss +Moncreiff. + +ENID. + +[_Going to the door on the left, VON RETTENMAYER following her._] +I was just saying so to the Baron. + + [_ENID and VON RETTENMAYER disappear. STIDULPH lights his cigarette + and is leaving the counter when GABRIELLE and DE CASTRO enter at the + right-hand door at the back, DE CASTRO looking exceedingly sulky._ + +STIDULPH. + +[_To GABRIELLE and DE CASTRO._] Ah, Miss Kato; ah, Sam! A pleasant +party, eh? + +DE CASTRO. + +[_Shortly._] Yeth. [_STIDULPH goes out at the right-hand door at the +back. DE CASTRO crosses to the left and then turns to GABRIELLE._] Dam +pleathant party! + +GABRIELLE. + +[_Dolefully._] Well, don't make a scene. + +DE CASTRO. + +Thene! _I'm_ not makin' a thene. Walkin' away from me in the middle of +a danthe and leavin' me thtandin' thtarin' after you like a detherted +child! _You're_ makin' the thene! + +GABRIELLE. + +I'm very sorry. + +DE CASTRO. + +I'm jutht ath good a waltzther ath anyone here, and better than motht. +[_Waving his arms._] If you're tired of me, announthe the fact +quietly. Don't go and wipe your bootth on me in public, becauthe that +hurtth my pride. + +GABRIELLE. + +[_With a little twist of her body._] I can't do more than apologise. +First time I've ever done _that_ to a man. + +DE CASTRO. + +[_Coming to her, mollified._] I don't athk it, Gabth; I don't athk it. +All I athk---- + +GABRIELLE. + +[_Sitting on the nearer settee in the centre._] If I'm rude, it's +owing to my low spirits. I'm so shockingly low-spirited. + +DE CASTRO. + +I know you are, and I make allowanthes for yer. I repeat, all I +athk---- + +GABRIELLE. + +[_Gazing at vacancy._] Mine's a strange nature. _On_ the stage, I'm +liveliness itself----! + +DE CASTRO. + +A perfect little lump o' talent! I've been tellin' Carlton tho-- +perthuadin' him to introduthe an extra thong for you in Act Two. + +GABRIELLE. + +[_Looking at DE CASTRO._] You have? + +DE CASTRO. + +Yeth. + +GABRIELLE. + +Did he promise to think it over? + +DE CASTRO. + +Hith exthact wordth! + +GABRIELLE. + +[_With a hollow laugh._] Ha, ha, ha! [_Resuming her former attitude._] +As I was remarking, I'm a mass of inconsistency. _On_ the stage the +embodiment of elfish fun---- + +DE CASTRO. + +That wath in the _Mail_. + +GABRIELLE. + +[_Nodding._] In the _Mail_. _Off_ the stage, I'm a sufferer from +what's called the artistic temperature-- no-- temperament---- + +DE CASTRO. + +[_Uncomfortably, patting her shoulder._] Po' little girl; po' little +girl! + +GABRIELLE. + +[_Her melancholy increasing._] Sometimes I've an idea that if I had a +motor-car of my _own_ I should feel easier and happier. + +DE CASTRO. + +[_With a change of tone._] What d'ye mean-- motor-car of yer own? +Mine'th alwayth at your dithpothal, ithn't it? + +GABRIELLE. + +[_Shaking her head._] That's not the same thing. Whenever I have yours +out, I'm weighed down by a sense of borrowing. + +DE CASTRO. + +Well, if I gave you a new car, you'd be weighed down by a thenthe of +my havin' paid for it. + +GABRIELLE. + +At first I should, but not for long. Seeing my family crest on the +door-panels, instead of your monogram, 'ud help me to forget you'd had +anything to do with it. [_Gloomily._] Of course, it 'ud only be an +experiment. It might cheer me up, or it mightn't. + + [_The music ceases. A waiter carrying a tray enters at the door on the + left, goes behind the counter, and mixes some drinks._ + +DE CASTRO. + +[_After a pause, loosening his collar-- in a low voice._] Here! We'd +better dithcuth thith experiment. [_Glancing over his shoulder at the +waiter._] Let'th come and thit in the pit. + +GABRIELLE. + +[_Rising._] I can't argue; my head's too bad for that. + +DE CASTRO. + +[_Leading her to the double-door._] I don't want to argue; I thimply +want to arrive at an underthtandin'. Thuppothin' I buy you a car, am I +to be made an arth of at the nexth danthe we happen to meet at-- yeth +or no?---- + + [_They go out on to the landing and disappear as FULKERSON hurries in + at the right-hand door at the back. His eyes are rather glassy and his + utterance is a little thick._ + +FULKERSON. + +[_To the waiter, joining him behind the counter._] Hi! Wake up, there! +Gla'sodawa'erf'misspirch'nth'stage. [_Distinctly._] Misspirch-- on +th'stage-- gla'-- sodawa'er. I'll have a whiskey. Wh'sthwhiskey? +Which-- is-- the-- whiskey? Than'g. [_Pouring some whiskey into a +tumbler._] You take sodaw'er t' Misspirch; I'll mix m'own whiskey. +Loo' sharp, sodaw'er Misspirch. [_The waiter goes out with the drinks +and FULKERSON, glass in hand, comes to the nearer side of the counter. +He swallows his drink greedily, singing to himself between the +gulps._] "Oh, the gals! Oh, the gals! I am awfully fond of the gals! +[_Putting his empty glass upon the counter and making for the door on +the left._] Be they ebon or blond, Of the gals I am fond; I am +_dreadfully_ fond of the gals!" + + [_He vanishes as FARNCOMBE and LILY enter at the right-hand door at + the back. There is an air of constraint and uneasiness about the girl. + She comes to the nearer settee in the centre and again picks up her + bouquet. FARNCOMBE follows her. They talk in subdued voices and with + frequent pauses._ + +FARNCOMBE. + +Another ice? + +LILY. + +[_Rearranging a rose, almost inaudibly._] No, thanks. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_After a pause._] I-- I wish I had given you a bouquet instead of a +big, ugly basket. + +LILY. + +Why? + +FARNCOMBE. + +You-- you might have brought it to the theatre, as you have that one, +and carried it about with you. + +LILY. + +[_Coldly._] I didn't bring this to the theatre. + +FARNCOMBE. + +No? + +LILY. + +I found it with a lot of other flowers at the stage-door. It's from +the gallery boys-- [_looking at him for a moment steadily_]-- and I +attach some value to it. + + [_The bearded waiter enters at the right-hand door at the back, takes + a box of cigars from the counter, and goes out at the door on the + left. LILY walks away from FARNCOMBE and seats herself upon the + further settee in the centre._ + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_After the waiter has withdrawn, producing his programme._] Number +Nine. "_Two Step. Mind the Paint._" [_To LILY._] Of course, you-- you +are engaged for this? + +LILY. + +And you, surely? + +FARNCOMBE. + +No, I-- I kept it open, in case-- in case---- + +LILY. + +[_Decidedly._] I dance it with Morrie. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Mr. Cooling? + +LILY. + +Morrie Cooling. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_After another pause, sitting, behind her, upon the nearer settee._] +Miss Parradell. + +LILY. + +Well? + +FARNCOMBE. + +I wonder whether Mr. Cooling would let you off. + +LILY. + +I shouldn't dream of asking him. + +FARNCOMBE. + +No, but-- may _I_? + +LILY. + +[_Haughtily._] I beg you'll do nothing of the sort. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Forgive me. + + [_There is a further pause and then she turns to him._ + +LILY. + +Why I spoke so-- so sharply to you-- was---- + +FARNCOMBE. + +You didn't speak sharply to me. + +LILY. + +Was because I've been very nasty with Morrie-- wrote him a furious +letter-- and I want to make it up to him. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Ah, yes. + +LILY. + +I called him a pig, and other things; I hate myself for it. + +FARNCOMBE. + +A pig? + +LILY. + +[_Smiling._] Still, that's no reason why I should be nasty with _you_. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Laughingly._] And call _me_ a pig. + +LILY. + +[_Impulsively, kneeling upon the settee so that she may compare her +programme with his._] Look here! Fifteen-- the last but one. Are you +fixed up for Fifteen? + +FARNCOMBE. + +No. + +LILY. + +No! + +FARNCOMBE. + +I kept it open-- in case---- + +LILY. + +[_Merrily._] Ha, ha--! [_Checking herself, severely._] I _might_ be +able to give you Fifteen. [_FARNCOMBE scribbles on his programme +eagerly._] Don't count on it, please; but it's booked to Mr. +Fulkerson, and Bertie's not always to be depended upon at that hour. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Thank you-- thank you-- thank you. [_She resumes her seat and he jumps +up and goes to her._] That reminds me. May I ask who is going to see +you home, Miss Parradell? + +LILY. + +See me home? + +FARNCOMBE. + +It would be an honour that I should-- appreciate-- more than I can-- +find words to express. + +LILY. + +[_Rising, sternly._] I am very much obliged to you. [_Walking away +from him again._] I dare say Mr. Roper will see me home-- and Mr. de +Castro-- and Mr. Bland---- + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Following her, unhappily._] I-- I hope-- I-- I hope I haven't +offended you. + +LILY. + +Not in the least; [_in a frigid tone_] only I am in the habit of +relying on old friends for those little services. + + [_STIDULPH enters from the landing and again wanders to the counter + and to the cigarettes. The "Mind the Paint" air, to the time of a Two + Step, is played in the distance._ + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Bowing to LILY slightly and drawing himself up._] Shall I-- take you +to Mr. Cooling? + +LILY. + +[_With dignity, inclining her head._] Will you? [_She is putting her +hand through his arm when the look upon his face softens her. She +drops her voice to a whisper._] Have I hurt you? + +FARNCOMBE. + +Oh, I deserve the rebuke. + +LILY. + +No, you don't. [_Gently._] You may leave me at my door, with the +others, if it will give you any satisfaction. + + [_As they walk to the door on the left, they are met by COOLING._ + +COOLING. + +[_To LILY, breathlessly._] Haw! Here you are! + +LILY. + +[_Leaving FARNCOMBE, her manner altering completely._] Come on, +Morrie! [_Her feet moving to the music._] Tra, lal, la! Tra, lal, la! +[_Giving her bouquet to FARNCOMBE._] Hi-i-i-i-i! Bring my flowers! + +COOLING AND LILY. + +Tra, lal, la! Tra, lal, la----! + + [_They run out, half dancing._ + +STIDULPH. + +[_Calling to FARNCOMBE, who is following them._] Lord Farncombe! + +FARNCOMBE. + +Yes? + +STIDULPH. + +[_Going to him._] Will you spare me a moment? + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_A little impatiently._] Er-- certainly. + +STIDULPH. + +[_Laying a shaky hand on FARNCOMBE'S arm and leading him away from the +door._] Excuse me for what I'm going to say to you. I-- I know your +father-- knew him very well years ago-- and your mother. [_With deep +feeling._] My boy-- my dear boy---- + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Surprised._] Colonel? + +STIDULPH. + +I-- I-- I'm sorry to find you in this set. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Stiffly._] What do you mean? + +STIDULPH. + +Don't be angry with me. I'm an old man-- and an old fool; but it's +from the fools that the useful lessons are to be learned. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Withdrawing his arm from STIDULPH._] I really don't understand you. + +STIDULPH. + +Try to. Not now-- another time; when this music isn't exciting you, +nor these pretty women. Think it out by yourself! You're at the +beginning of your career, my boy. Remember me-- the old fool who's +brought _his_ to a miserable end-- and that I cautioned you-- +cautioned you--! + + [_LUIGI hurries in at the door on the left, followed by a waiter + carrying a tray, and by the waiter with the beard._ + +LUIGI. + +[_Laughing._] He, he, he, he! [_Behind the counter, preparing +drinks._] Look out, gentlemen; you are losing it all. They are having +a romp-- a fine lark. [_FARNCOMBE goes out at the door on the left._] +Make haste, Colonel; make haste! [_STIDULPH goes out, slowly, at the +right-hand door at the back._] Whiskey-and-soda for Mr. Tavish; +liqueur of brandy-- Mr. Grimwood. [_The waiter carrying the tray goes +out with the drinks at the door on the left._] Ha, ha, ha! [_Singing +to the music._] Tra, lal, la! Tra, lal, la----! + + [_LUIGI is following the waiter who has carried out the tray when the + bearded waiter, coming to the nearer settee in the centre, calls to + him._ + +THE BEARDED WAITER. + +[_Sitting upon the settee, gruffly._] Luigi. + +LUIGI. + +[_Halting._] Eh? + +THE BEARDED WAITER. + +[_Taking out a handful of money and selecting some gold from it._] +Here! [_Putting the gold into LUIGI'S palm._] For your chaps. + +LUIGI. + +Oh, you are spoiling them. + +THE BEARDED WAITER. + +[_Giving some more gold pieces to LUIGI._] For you. + +LUIGI. + +[_Bowing low._] Thank you very much. [_With a polite grin, as he +disposes of the coins in different pockets._] Hope you have enjoyed +yourself, Captain. + +THE BEARDED WAITER. + +[_Speaking in the voice of JEYES._] Thoroughly. [_Quietly, between his +teeth._] Warm work, though! [_Rising slowly, like a man with stiff +joints._] I'll be off now, with your permission. + +LUIGI. + +See you at lunch, Captain? + +JEYES. + +Probably. [_Nodding._] Good-night. Good morning. [_He slouches away to +the door on the left and there stops, listening. There is the sound of +people approaching, singing uproariously and shouting and laughing._] +Hullo! + +LUIGI. + +[_At his elbow._] Ho, ho, ho, ho! + + [_LUIGI goes out into the corridor and JEYES retreats behind the + counter. The noise increases and presently FULKERSON rushes in, + flourishing his arms madly. He is followed by GLYNN and SHIRLEY who + are carrying LILY upon their interlocked hands, and by PALK who is + helping to support her. Then come HENEAGE and NITA, GRIMWOOD and + DAPHNE, TAVISH and FLO, VON RETTENMAYER and ENID, DE CASTRO and + GABRIELLE, ROPER and MRS. STIDULPH, FARNCOMBE and JIMMIE, BLAND and + EVANGELINE, COOLING and SYBIL, and SMYTHE and OLGA. Singing the chorus + of the "Mind the Paint" song, and dancing to it wildly, they circle + the saloon twice, go out at the right-hand door at the back, return at + the door on the left, and finally disappear through the double-door + and along the landing. The waiters, who have brought up the rear of + the procession, gather, with LUIGI, in the left-hand corner, clapping + their hands, and STIDULPH returns, entering at the right-hand door at + the back._ + +LILY. + +[_Waving her bouquet and shrieking with laughter._] Ha, ha, ha, ha! +Don't drop me! Don't drop me! + +HENEAGE AND GRIMWOOD. + +[_Yelling._] Whoop! Whoop! + +FULKERSON. + +[_Deliriously, endeavouring to stand upon his head._] Wh-o-o-op! + +JIMMIE. + +[_Breaking from the rank and jumping on to the further settee-- +singing._] "Mind the paint! Mind the paint! A girl is not a sinner +just because she's not a saint!----" + +LILY. + +Ha, ha, ha! You'll drop me! Oh----! + + [_As the procession passes out of sight, followed by LUIGI and the + waiters, JEYES departs at the door on the left and STIDULPH once more + goes to the counter and lights a cigarette._ + + END OF THE SECOND ACT. + + + + + THE THIRD ACT + + +_The scene is LILY'S boudoir-- a room upon the second floor of her +house, adjoining her bedroom. The decorations, though delicate, are +gay, with a good deal of pink in them._ + +_In the wall facing the spectator are two doors, one on the left, the +other in the centre. The left-hand door opens into the room from the +landing, where the staircase is shown; the centre door admits to the +bedroom. In the right-hand wall there are two sash-windows giving a +view of the tops of trees growing in a square; in the opposite wall, +the grate hidden by a low, painted screen, is the fireplace._ + +_A prettily designed "fitment" runs along the left-hand wall and the +further wall, taking in the fireplace and doors as part of its scheme. +On either side of the fireplace there is a cupboard with drawers +beneath it; between the door on the left and the door in the centre is +a similar cupboard; and on the right of the centre door, extending to +the right-hand wall, there is a wardrobe with sliding doors. The +cupboard doors are glazed and curtained in pink silk._ + +_In the middle of the room, a little to the right, there is a large +and comfortable settee, and on the left of the settee is a table +littered with books, magazines, a scent-atomizer, a small +silver-framed mirror, a case of manicure instruments, a box of +cigarettes and a match-stand, and other odds and ends. Behind the +table there is a fauteuil-stool, and on the right of the table a cosy +arm-chair. A second arm-chair stands apart, between the table in the +centre and the fireplace._ + +_On the extreme left of the room, on the nearer side of the fireplace, +there is a box-ottoman; on the other side of the room, by the nearer +window, are a small writing-table and chair; standing across the +right-hand corner, the key-board towards the further window, are a +cottage-piano and a music-stool; and at the back of the piano there is +another small chair, with some soiled gloves upon it._ + +_A quantity of music is heaped untidily on the top of the piano; one +of the wardrobe doors is open, revealing some dresses hanging within; +and the edge of a lace petticoat, with its insertion of coloured +ribbon, peeps out from under the carelessly-closed lid of the +box-ottoman. Two milliner's hat-boxes are on the floor by the ottoman, +and a pair of satin slippers are lying, one here, one there, under the +centre table._ + +_The window-blinds are down but the daylight is seen through them._ + + + [_The door on the left opens and LILY, still carrying her bouquet, + enters and makes straight for the windows and draws up the blinds, + letting in the clear, morning light. She is followed by ENID, + GABRIELLE, DAPHNE, and JIMMIE and they by FARNCOMBE, VON RETTENMAYER, + DE CASTRO, ROPER, FULKERSON, and BLAND. They are all pale and haggard, + and slightly dishevelled, but everybody seems broad awake except + DAPHNE, who is borne down by sleepiness. Some of the men are smoking._ + +LILY. + +[_Laying her bouquet upon the table in the centre as she crosses to +the windows-- to the women._] Come in, dears; [_drawing up the blind +of the nearer window_] come in, boys. Take off your things for a +minute. + +FULKERSON. + +[_Whose inebriety has reached the argumentative stage._] Working +classhes! Don' talk t' me 'bout th' working classhes! + +JIMMIE. + +H'sh! Shut up, Bertie. + +FULKERSON. + +I'm s'h'ick o' th' ve'y mention o' th' name-- working classhes! + +JIMMIE. + +Sit on his head, somebody. We shall wake Ma and the servants. + +LILY. + +[_Taking off her wrap and hanging it up in the wardrobe._] Don't +worry; you won't wake _my_ servants. And mother's bound to hear us; +she sleeps so lightly when I'm out. + +DAPHNE. + +[_Gaping violently._] Oh-h-h-h! + +JIMMIE. + +[_Clapping her hand over DAPHNE'S mouth._] Manners! + +FULKERSON. + +[_Depositing his overcoat and hat upon the fauteuil-stool._] One 'ud +'magine th' working-man'sh th' on'y pershon who ever does day'sh work! +Ridiculush! + +VON RETTENMAYER AND BLAND. + +Ha, ha, ha, ha! + +DE CASTRO. + +Thome truth in what Bertie'th thayin', though. For inthtanthe---- + +FULKERSON. + +[_With great disgust._] Br'ish working-man! + +ROPER. + +By Jove, yes! When I think o' the work Mr. Lionel Hesketh Roper +manages to dispose of in the course of a day----! + + [_VON RETTENMAYER and DE CASTRO have placed their overcoats and hats + upon the chair at the back of the piano and FARNCOMBE, BLAND, and + ROPER have piled theirs on the arm-chair on the left. ENID and + GABRIELLE throw their wraps upon the settee, DAPHNE drops hers upon + the box-ottoman, and JIMMIE puts hers over the arm of the chair by the + centre table._ + +LILY. + +[_To everybody._] I'll just run upstairs and tell mother that all's +serene. [_She goes to the door on the left; FARNCOMBE, BLAND, and +ROPER get in each other's way in their desire to open it for her._] If +any of you want a drink, you must hunt for it yourselves in the +dining-room. [_To ROPER._] You play host, Uncle Lal. + + [_She disappears, turning to the left and ascending the stairs._ + +ROPER. + +[_Briskly._] Now, then, give your orders, gents! [_Coming forward._] +Ladies, don't all speak at once. + +FULKERSON. + +[_Making for the door._] I'll have sma' whiskeyan' soda. + + [_He goes along the landing and down the stairs._ + +BLAND. + +[_Following him._] No, no! Bertie! Bertie----! + +JIMMIE. + +[_Seated in the arm-chair by the centre table-- to ROPER._] Stop it. +We'll have trouble enough to get that boy home as it is. + + [_ROPER hurries out after BLAND and FULKERSON. VON RETTENMAYER and DE + CASTRO also move to the door._ + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_To ENID, who is sitting with GABRIELLE on the settee._] Enid----? + +ENID. + +A glass of soda-water. + +GABRIELLE. + +Same for me, Von. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_To JIMMIE._] Jimmie----? + +JIMMIE. + +No, thanks. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Looking down upon DAPHNE, who has curled herself up on the +box-ottoman and is already asleep-- sentimentally._] Baby-- baby---- + +DAPHNE. + +[_Half sighing, half moaning._] Ah-h-h-h! + +JIMMIE. + +[_To VON RETTENMAYER._] Don't disturb her. Let her have her snooze in +peace. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Still contemplating DAPHNE._] Shall I bring you your boddle, you +preddy liddle baby? + +ENID. + +[_Annoyed._] Don't be an idiot, Karl. [_To DE CASTRO, who is talking +to FARNCOMBE._] Sam, will _you_ fetch me some soda-water? + +VON RETTENMAYER. [_To ENID, bestirring himself._] I beg bardon. + + [_He goes out, with DE CASTRO. ENID has taken the mirror from the + table and now looks at herself in it._ + +ENID. + +What a sight! [_To GABRIELLE._] I wonder whether Lil would mind me +going into her bedroom? + +GABRIELLE. + +[_Taking the mirror from ENID._] Of course she wouldn't. [_Viewing +herself with dismay._] Oh, I'm yellower than you! + + [_She jumps up, throwing the mirror upon the settee, and goes to the + door in the centre. ENID follows her and the two girls open the door + narrowly and withdraw. JIMMIE rises and picks up the mirror._ + +JIMMIE. + +[_With one knee upon the settee, surveying herself._] Ugh, you lovely +creature! [_Glancing at FARNCOMBE as she readjusts a comb, and finding +that he is gazing at her earnestly._] Turn your face to the wall, +please; I'm about to use my puff. + + [_Suddenly, with rapid movements, he shuts the door on the left, gives + a quick look at DAPHNE, assures himself that the centre door is + closed, and comes to JIMMIE. She stares at him in astonishment._ + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Standing at the back of the settee-- in a low voice._] Miss Birch, +you're Miss Parradell's friend-- her great friend. Will you be a +friend of mine too, and do me a service? + +JIMMIE. + +[_Startled._] It-- it all depends---- + +FARNCOMBE. + +Beg her to allow me to remain behind, with you, for a few minutes +after the others have gone. + +JIMMIE. + +Remain-- you and I? + +FARNCOMBE. + +And then, if she will, will you wait in the next room while I speak to +her? Miss Birch, I-- I must speak to her. + +JIMMIE. + +W-w-wouldn't-- to-morrow----? + +FARNCOMBE. + +It _is_ to-morrow _now_. It's day. + +JIMMIE. + +[_Dropping her eyes._] She's tired. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Five minutes-- no longer. [_Entreatingly._] Won't you try to arrange +it for me? + +JIMMIE. + +[_Pursing her lips._] H'm! _I'd_ stay; delighted. [_Demurely._] It +doesn't matter how tired _I_ feel. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Contritely._] I'm a brute! + +JIMMIE. + +But I really think the _arranging_ is your job, Lord Farncombe. + +FARNCOMBE. + +I know I should make a bungle of it with all these people round me, +and attract attention. _You're_ clever. + +JIMMIE. + +[_Raising her eyes to his, abruptly._] Look here! Do I guess +correctly? + +FARNCOMBE. + +What----? + + [_She pulls him towards her and whispers into his ear. He nods. She + whispers again, breathlessly, and then releases him._ + +JIMMIE. + +Eh? Eh? + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Drawing back and facing her, firmly._] Yes. + +JIMMIE. + +[_Walking away, in a flutter._] Oh! Oh! Oh! + +FARNCOMBE. + +You'll help me? [_She pauses, deliberating._] You'll help me? + +JIMMIE. + +[_Returning to him, with an air of prudence._] I tell you what I +_will_ do. [_Pointing to the writing-table._] Scribble her a note-- +a line-- and I'll give it to her. That won't attract attention. I've +no objection to do _that_ for you. Hurry up! [_He sits at the +writing-table and searches for writing materials._] In the drawer. +[_He opens a drawer and takes out a sheet of note-paper. Standing at +the other side of the table, she selects a pen and hands it to him._] +A "J" suit you? + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Taking the pen from her._] What shall I say? + +JIMMIE. + +Ho, ho! Well, I _never_! [_He writes._] Oh, but it isn't exactly a +love-letter, is it? Simply say-- what was the expression you used just +now?-- "will you allow me to remain behind for a few minutes with Miss +Birch after the others have gone?" + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Writing._] Thank you. + +JIMMIE. + +[_With a little wriggle._] Call me Jimmie if you like. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Thank you. + +JIMMIE. + +[_Knitting her brow thoughtfully._] I suppose you ought to give her an +inkling, though-- the merest hint-- of the _reason_, oughtn't you? + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Looking up._] Ought I? + +JIMMIE. + +Well, you don't want her to think it's only to chat about the +weather----! + +FARNCOMBE. + +For heaven's sake, don't chaff me! [_writing_] "--after the others +have gone?" [_Biting his pen._] How would this do? "I know I am +presuming a lot, but I-- I can't leave you-- I can't leave you till +I-- till I have asked you-- till I have asked you the most important +question a man can put to a woman." + +JIMMIE. + +Oh, but that's ideal! [_GABRIELLE reappears._] Dash these girls! [_To +GABRIELLE, whose complexion is much improved._] Lord Farncombe is +writing me out a remedy for freckles. Isn't it sweet of him? + +GABRIELLE. + +[_Mournfully._] Freckles! If you want to see a martyr to freckles, +knock at _my_ door. + + [_ENID returns, with lips that are a little too red, as VON + RETTENMAYER and DE CASTRO re-enter at the door on the left. They leave + the door open. VON RETTENMAYER is carrying a syphon of soda-water and + DE CASTRO two tumblers. The men put the syphon and tumblers on the + centre table and VON RETTENMAYER fills the glasses and he and DE + CASTRO hand them to ENID and GABRIELLE._ + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_To ENID and GABRIELLE._] I hobe we haf nod kepd you waiding. + +DE CASTRO. + +Bertie'th been makin' himthelf a reg'lar nuithanthe downthairth. + +ENID. + +Poor Bertie! Pity he has this little failing. + +GABRIELLE. + +[_With mild enthusiasm._] Yes, there's not a nicer boy in London than +Bertie, bar that. + +DE CASTRO. + +Flieth to hith head tho! + + [_The four continue talking. JIMMIE has gone back to FARNCOMBE, who is + still writing, and is watching him impatiently._ + +JIMMIE. + +[_To FARNCOMBE, under her breath._] Do be quick! + + [_Hastily he blots his note and folds it. BLAND, FULKERSON, and ROPER + appear on the landing, issuing from the staircase, and there they are + joined by LILY, who comes down the stairs._ + +FULKERSON. + +[_On the landing, to LILY, indignantly._] Lirry-- Misspa'dell---- + +JIMMIE. + +[_To FARNCOMBE._] Here she is! + +ROPER. + +[_To FULKERSON._] Now, then; have it out with Lily! + +LILY. + +What's wrong? + + [_FARNCOMBE rises and slips his note into JIMMIE'S hand._ + +FULKERSON. + +[_To LILY._] Mosht unjusht'fiable treatmen' 'n th' part 'f these +gen'lemen! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Listening, with the others at the centre table, to what is going on +upon the landing._] Ha, ha, ha, ha! + +JIMMIE. + +[_To FARNCOMBE, over her shoulder._] Good luck! + +BLAND. + +[_To LILY._] The youth is irate with us for cutting off supplies. + + [_LILY enters with FULKERSON; ROPER and BLAND following. BLAND strolls + over to the piano, laughing._ + +FULKERSON. + +[_To LILY._] M' argumen' is this. When a gen'leman'sh invited b' th' +lady 'f th' house t' partake 'f refreshmen'---- + +LILY. + +[_To FULKERSON._] Be quiet, Bertie, or I'll box your ears. [_Joining +the group at the centre table._] Ho, ho! I've had such a wigging for +asking you up. Mother says we girls'll look as ugly as sin on the +stage to-night. + +ENID. + +So we shall-- hags. + +LILY. + +[_Sitting in the arm-chair by the centre table._] I feel as fresh as +paint. [_To GABRIELLE._] Give me a sip. + + [_DE CASTRO hands GABRIELLE'S glass to LILY._ + +FULKERSON. + +[_Gazing at DAPHNE stupidly and singing to himself._] "Oh, the gals! +Oh, the gals! I am awfully fond of the gals!----" + +VON RETTENMAYER, ROPER, DE CASTRO, ENID AND GABRIELLE. + +[_Chiming in with FULKERSON lightly._] "Be they ebon or blond, Of the +gals I am fond;----"! Ha, ha, ha, ha! + +BLAND. + +H'sh, h'sh! Ma's quite right. [_Seating himself at the piano._] One +more turn and then let's clear out. + +LILY. + +[_Jumping up._] Hurrah! [_To ROPER, as BLAND runs his hands over the +key-board._] Shut the door, Uncle Lal. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +Aha! One more durn! [_To ENID._] Enid----! + +FULKERSON. + +[_Singing._] "I am dreadfully fond of the gals!" + +ROPER. + +[_Closing the door._] Choose your partners, gents! [_Very softly BLAND +plays the melody of a languorous song and instantly VON RETTENMAYER +and ENID and DE CASTRO and GABRIELLE dance to it-- VON RETTENMAYER and +ENID at the back, DE CASTRO and GABRIELLE near the piano._] +Jimmie----! + + [_JIMMIE passes LILY to go to ROPER. As she does so, she presses + FARNCOMBE'S note into LILY'S palm._ + +JIMMIE. + +[_To LILY, in a whisper._] Rat-tat, says the postman! [_Catching hold +of ROPER and swinging him round._] La, ra, ral, la----! + +LILY. + +[_To FARNCOMBE, who is standing by the writing-table._] Lord +Farncombe----? + + [_FARNCOMBE goes to her and they dance together._ + +FULKERSON. + +[_To DAPHNE, tapping her on the shoulder._] Missdure, may I have th' +grea' pleasure----? [_Shaking her._] Missdure-- Missdure---- + +DAPHNE. + +[_Starting up._] Oh! [_Looking round wildly._] Oh----! + +FULKERSON. + +[_Dancing with her._] Pray 'xcuse th' absence 'f gloves. + +DAPHNE. + +[_Faintly._] Oh! Oh, I-- I thought I'd gone to bed! + + [_With their hands on each other's shoulders, the couples, swaying + from side to side, half sing, half murmur, the refrain of the song._ + + If you would only, only love me; + If you would merely, merely say, + Wait but a little, little for me, + I will be yours, be yours some day! + + [_The refrain is repeated, the dancers droning to it with a, buzzing + sound, and then BLAND returns to the melody._ + +LILY. + +[_As she dances, recollecting the note she is holding and opening +it._] What's this? [_Reading the note, her arm resting upon +FARNCOMBE'S shoulder._] "Dear Miss Parradell.... [_glancing at the +signature_] Farncombe"! [_To FARNCOMBE._] From you! + +FARNCOMBE. + +Yes. + +LILY. + +[_Reading._] "Will you allow me to----?" + + [_She reads to the end silently, and then she stops dancing and they + stand for a moment looking confusedly at each other. Then, with an + expressionless face, she slips the note into her dress and they dance + again, singing the refrain as before._ + +BLAND. + +[_At the finish, shutting down the lid of the piano and rising._] +Ladies and gentlemen, the festivities connected with Miss Parradell's +birthday are over. [_Leaving the piano._] Our lives will now resume +their normal, serious course. + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Regretfully._] Ah-h-h-h! + + [_The ladies put on their wraps, the men their overcoats, and there is + a great deal of stir and chatter. DE CASTRO assists GABRIELLE; VON + RETTENMAYER, ENID; FULKERSON, DAPHNE; and FARNCOMBE, JIMMIE. LILY + joins in the talk and bustle with forced animation. JIMMIE and + FARNCOMBE glance at her, and then, inquiringly, at one another._ + +ROPER. + +[_Putting on his overcoat with BLAND'S help._] Well, nobody can say +the affair hasn't been a brilliant success; that's one comfort. + +GABRIELLE. + +Wouldn't be true if they did. [_To DE CASTRO, irritably._] You've got +it inside-out. + +LILY. + +[_To ENID and GABRIELLE, kneeling upon the settee._] Ah, yes, haven't +we had a splendid, splendid time! + +ENID. + +Splendid! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +A gharming pardy! + +DE CASTRO. + +Abtholutely A 1! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Singing._] "Venus, seinen Nacken beut Dir Dein Sklave, +dienstbereit!" + +LILY. + +[_Running to ROPER and seizing his hands._] A vote of thanks to Lal +for his share in getting it up! + +BLAND. + +[_Slapping ROPER on the back._] Bravo, Lal! + +SOME OF THE OTHERS. + +Bravo, Lal! + +LILY. + +[_Walking about._] And to Carlton! Bravo, Carlton! + +SOME OF THE OTHERS. + +Bravo, Carlton! Bravo, Smythe! + +DE CASTRO. + +[_Putting on his overcoat._] Don't forget Morrie Coolin'! + +LILY. + +No, don't forget Morrie. Dear old Morrie! + +SOME OF THE OTHERS. + +Bravo, Morrie! + +DE CASTRO. + +There hathn't been a hitch from thtart to finish, in fact. + +LILY. + +[_At the nearer side of the table again._] Not a hitch. + +FULKERSON. + +[_Remembering his grievance._] I beg yo' par'n-- no' a 'itch! [_In +difficulties with his overcoat._] When a gen'leman'sh invited b' th' +lady 'f th' house t' partake 'f some refreshmen'---- + +SOME OF THE OTHERS. + +Ha, ha, ha, ha! + +GABRIELLE. + +[_Coming to LILY and kissing her._] So long, dear. + + [_ENID, DAPHNE, and JIMMIE also come to LILY, who embraces them + demonstratively, and the men follow._ + +LILY. + +[_To the girls._] Ta-ta; ta-ta; ta-ta! I won't come down. + +ENID. + +No, no; we'll let ourselves out. [_Leaving LILY._] Till to-night! + +LILY. + +Till to-night! [_Shaking hands with the men._] Ta-ta; ta-ta; ta-ta! + +THE MEN. + +Ta-ta! Ta-ta! Ta-ta! + +VON RETTENMAYER. + +[_Kissing her hand slyly._] Goddess! + +LILY. + +[_To BLAND, in a whisper._] Take care of Bertie. [_Everybody moves to +the door, except LILY who remains standing in the middle of the room. +Some are on the landing, some in the doorway, when she calls to ROPER +and JIMMIE._] Uncle Lal! Jimmie! I want to speak to you two for a +second. [_ROPER and JIMMIE detach themselves from the rest and +return._] Oh-- and Lord Farncombe! [_FARNCOMBE also returns and LILY, +passing him, goes on to the landing and mixes with the others._] Be +off; Lord Farncombe and Lal will look after Jimmie. Vincent, _you_ +close the front-door. No noise! Au revoir, mes enfants! [_She watches +them descend the stairs and, her manner softening, comes back into the +room._] Lord Farncombe wants to have a quiet talk with me, Uncle Lal-- +about-- about something, and he's asked me to let him remain behind +with Jimmie for a few minutes. [_To JIMMIE._] But there's no necessity +for you to wait, dear. + +JIMMIE. + +Don't consider me. + +LILY. + +But I do. Go upstairs and tell mother that Lord Farncombe's with me. +Say I promise he shan't stay long. [_To ROPER._] You'll take Jimmie +home, won't you, Lal? + +ROPER. + +[_His eyes bolting._] W-w-with pleasure. + +LILY. + +[_To JIMMIE._] I shall see you again later in the day, perhaps? + +JIMMIE. + +Rather! [_Throwing her arms round LILY'S neck and pressing her cheek +to LILY'S._] Rather! [_To ROPER, significantly._] Sit in the hall till +I'm ready. + + [_She runs out on to the landing, pausing at the door to bestow a + parting nod and a smile upon FARNCOMBE, and ascends the stairs._ + +ROPER. + +[_In a state of great excitement and exhilaration-- to LILY._] Yes, +yes, I won't keep you and-- [_winking at her and jerking his head in +FARNCOMBE'S direction_] from your _tête-à-tête_. [_Patting her face +gleefully._] Ha, ha, ha, ha! [_Taking her hand, his own quivering._] +Lil, Uncle Lal you call me, but I've always felt more like a parent +towards you-- acted as such, hey? + +LILY. + +Y-y-yes, Lal. + +ROPER. + +And any happiness that befalls you-- any happiness that befalls you-- +[_choking_] I'll leave it there. God bless yer; God bless yer! +[_bustling over to FARNCOMBE who, his hat in his hand, his overcoat on +his arm, is standing near the piano_] and God bless _you_, my lad! +[_incoherently_] I'm proud-- proud to have the honour-- and to have +been the means of-- the means of-- [_wringing FARNCOMBE'S hand_] God +bless you both! [_He goes to the door and there finds LILY._] I-- I-- +I-- I'll drop in by-and-by and-- and-- and inquire after you, my pet. + +LILY. + +[_Faintly._] All right, Lal. + +ROPER. + +[_Patting her face again._] Ha, ha, ha, ha! [_With a hop._] Wurrr-roo! +Stand away from the lift; no more passengers this journey! + + [_He waves to FARNCOMBE gaily and departs, closing the door. There is + a short silence and then FARNCOMBE places his hat and overcoat upon + the chair by the piano and turns to LILY._ + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_In a low voice._] It's awfully kind and gracious of you to have +granted my request, and frightfully selfish of me to have made it. +I deserve to be kicked. + +LILY. + +[_Slowly advancing to the table in the centre-- avoiding his gaze._] +Is-- is Jimmie aware of precisely what's in your note? + +FARNCOMBE. + +Y-y-yes. [_Drawing nearer to her._] I hope you won't be angry with me +for confiding in her. You see, I-- I---- + +LILY. + +[_At the further side of the table, fingering one of the objects upon +it._] And _she'll_ confide in Uncle Lal. [_Shrugging her shoulders._] +Oh, but dear old Lal appears to have summed up the situation pretty +accurately as it is. [_With an artificial little laugh._] Ha, ha, ha! +Well, I'm afraid they'll be horribly disappointed, poor wretches. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Blankly._] Disap-pointed? + +LILY. + +[_Raising her eyes to his and shaking her head at him._] You-- you +silly boy! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Coming to her quickly._] Ah, please-- please don't take that tone +with me. I'm no boy. And I'm simply mad about you. If you don't marry +me, I-- I-- I'm done for. + +LILY. + +H'sh! Nonsense; not you! + +FARNCOMBE. + +It's true. Life'll be over for me from that moment, if you refuse to +marry me. + +LILY. + +[_Mockingly._] Over! + +FARNCOMBE. + +Oh, love is all on my side at present, naturally; but, as God hears +me, it'll be no fault of mine if you don't grow to love me in time. + +LILY. + +Listen----! + +FARNCOMBE. + +I'll worship you-- worship you. I _do_ worship you! + +LILY. + +H'sh! Lord Farncombe---- + +FARNCOMBE. + +_Eddie!_ Won't you? + +LILY. + +Certainly not. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Do! Eddie! Eddie! + +LILY. + +Eddie, then---- + +FARNCOMBE. + +Ah----! + +LILY. + +Sit down a minute. [_She goes to the settee and sits there, somewhat +ruffled, and he moves to the arm-chair by the centre table and also +sits, his elbows on his knees, bending towards her. She pushes her +hair back from her brow impatiently, as if vexed with herself._] Lord +Farncombe-- Eddie-- for how long have you known me? + +FARNCOMBE. + +What does it matter? I-- I admit---- + +LILY. + +Reckoning our acquaintance from last week-- from the afternoon Bertie +brought you here, when we scarcely spoke to one another-- you haven't +known me for as many days as you can count on your fingers. + +FARNCOMBE. + +I've watched you-- watched you in the theatre---- + +LILY. + +On the stage! Ho, ho! Oh, you-- but I mustn't call you silly boy +again, must I! And what do you know _of_ me, apart from the glimpse +you've had of me off the stage, and my being a shining light at the +Pandora? What do you know of my-- what's the word?-- origin-- where +and what I've sprung from; how I was reared; how much education I've +received; how much I've contrived to pick up of the way to behave in +_per_lite society? You can judge from poor mother, if from nothing +else, that I come from humble beginnings. Yes, but _how_ humble you +couldn't _dream_, [_making a grimace_] not after a supper of raw +carrots! + +FARNCOMBE. + +Do you think I _care_ how humble your beginnings were! What I do +know-- what I _am_ sure about-- is that you're good-- and beautiful-- +and-- and-- and gifted-- and-- and-- [_leaning his head on his hands_] +oh, I can't describe you; you're-- you're-- to me, you're _perfect_. + +LILY. + +[_After a pause, looking at him with blinking eyelids._] You-- you +_dear_! [_He raises his head. She changes her tone instantly._] +_Merci_; yes, perfect, _pour le moment_. Hear my French! [_Taking the +box of cigarettes from the table._] Have a cigarette? Don't get up. +[_She tosses him a cigarette and he catches it._] My name's printed on +them-- "Lily." [_Lighting a cigarette._] Isn't it _chic_! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Producing his cigarette case and exchanging her cigarette for one of +his own._] I'll never smoke _that_. + +LILY. + +[_Pushing the match-stand towards him._] _Stoo_pid! Now, attend to me. +What do you say to a tiny provision shop in Kennington, over the +water? + +FARNCOMBE. + +Was that----? + +LILY. + +[_Nodding._] H'm; that was my start in the world. Father kept a small +shop in Kennington-- Gladwin Street, near the Oval. We sold groceries, +and butter and eggs and cheese, and pickled-pork and paraffin. I was +born there-- on the second floor; and in Gladwin Street I lived till I +was fourteen. Then father smashed, through the Stores cutting into our +little trade. Well, hardly smashed; that's too imposing. The business +just faded, and one morning we didn't bother to take the shutters +down. Then, after a while, father got a starvation berth-- eighteen +shillings a week!-- at a wholesale bacon warehouse-- Price and +Moseley's-- still over the water; and I earned an extra five at a +place in the Westminster Bridge Road, for pasting the gilt edges on to +passe-partouts from nine a.m. till six in the evening. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_His head bowed again._] Great heavens! + +LILY. + +Not a syllable against the passe-partouts! They were the making of me. +It was the passe-partouts that brought me and Tedder together. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Who? + +LILY. + +Tedder. In the house where I worked, a man of the name of Tedder-- +Ambrose Tedder-- taught dancing-- stage dancing-- "Tedder's Academy of +Saltatory Art"-- and every time I passed Tedder's door, and heard his +violin or piano, and the sound of the pupils' feet, I--! [_Breaking +off and throwing herself back._] Oh, lor', if once I----! + +FARNCOMBE. + +Go on; go on. + +LILY. + +Well, ultimately Tedder took me and trained me-- did it for nix-- for +what he hoped to get out of me in the future. Ah, and he _hasn't_ lost +over me-- poor old Ambrose! He collared a third of my salary for ever +so long; and now that the old chap's rheumaticky and worn out, I-- oh, +it's not worth mentioning. [_Jumping up and walking away._] My stars, +he could teach, could Tedder! I began by going to him for the last +twenty minutes of my dinner-hour. He wanted to stop _that_, because it +was bad for me, he said, to practise on a full-- a full--! Ha, ha, ha! +On a _full_--! [_Behind the table, resting her two hands upon it and +shaking with laughter._] Ho, ho, ho! As if I ever had-- in those +days----! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Writhing._] Ah, don't-- don't----! + +LILY. + +[_Brushing the tears from her eyes._] I was a pupil of Tedder's for +twelve months, and then he got me on at the Canterbury; and from the +Canterbury I went to Gatti's, and from Gatti's to the Lane, for a few +lines in the pantomime and an understudy-- my first appearance in the +West End-- [_singing_] "Oh, the West End is the best end!"-- and from +there I went to the old Strand, and there Morrie Cooling spotted me, +and that led to me being engaged at the Pandora, where I ate my heart +out, doing next to nothing, for two whole years. Then came the +production of _The Duchess of Brixton_, and it was in _The Duchess_-- +thanks to Vincent Bland-- that I sang the "Mind the Paint" song. He +believed in me, did Vincent; _he_ saw I was fit for something more +than just prancing about, and airing my ankles, in a gay frock. By +Jupiter, how he fought for me; _how_ he fought for me, up to the final +rehearsal! And to this day, whenever I indulge in a prayer, you bet +Vincent Bland has a paragraph all to himself in it! [_Checking herself +and coming to FARNCOMBE._] Oh, but-- I needn't inflict quite so much +of my biography on you, need I? [_He rises._] Sorry. I merely wanted +to tell you enough to show you-- to show you---- + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Close to her, gazing into her eyes._] To show me what a-- what a +_marvel_ you are! + +LILY. + +[_Pleased._] Ha, ha! Oh, I'm not chucking mud at myself really. Why +should I! Many a woman 'ud feel as vain as a peacock in my shoes. +Fancy! From the shop in Gladwin Street to-- [_with a gesture_] to +_this_! And from Tedder's stuffy room in the Westminster Bridge Road +to the stage of the Pandora, as principal girl! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Tenderly._] Wonderful! + +LILY. + +[_Carried away by her narration and putting her hands upon his +shoulders familiarly._] Yes, and all the schooling I've ever had, +Eddie, was at a cheap, frowsy day-school in Kennington, with a tribe +of other common, skinny-legged brats. Imagine it! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Taking her hands._] I can't imagine it; I defy anybody to. + +LILY. + +[_Unthinkingly allowing him to retain her hands._] Everything I've +learned since-- except my music, and that I owe to Tedder and +Vincent-- everything I've learned since, I've learned by sheer +cuteness, from novels, the papers, the theatres, and by keeping my +ears open like a cunning little parrot. [_Softly._] Ha, ha! That's +what I am-- a cunning little parrot! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Laughing with her._] Ha, ha! + +LILY. + +[_Tossing her head._] Ho, I dare say, if I had the opportunity, +I could imitate the fine _ly_dies _you_ mix with, so that in less than +six months you'd hardly know the difference between them and me! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Holding her hands to his breast._] There is no difference already; +there _is_ none. + +LILY. + +Isn't there! [_Almost nestling up to him._] Ah, you should see me in +one of my vile tempers. [_Wistfully._] Then-- then you wouldn't--! +[_Becoming conscious of her proximity to him, she backs away and +stands rubbing the palms of her hands together in embarrassment._] +Anyhow-- anyhow it isn't my intention to give you a chance of +comparing us. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Under his breath._] Oh-- Miss Parradell----! + +LILY. + +[_Collecting herself._] No, I-- I'm not going to let you make a fool +of yourself over _me_, if I can help it. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Fool----! + +LILY. + +[_Facing him and speaking quietly but firmly._] Recollect, however +shrewd and apt I may be, and however straight I've managed to keep +myself, still-- I'm only a Pandora girl, and should always be +remembered as one by your chums and belongings. Only a Pandora girl. +Nothing can alter that, dear boy; and you mustn't-- you mustn't +handicap yourself by hanging _me_ round your neck. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Heavily._] I-- I shouldn't be the first of my sort to marry a +"Pandora girl," not by half a dozen or more. + +LILY. + +No, but-- without wishing to flatter you-- I don't quite put you on a +level with Robbie Kinterton, and Glenroy, and Georgie Fawcus, and-- +that crew. [_Cheerfully._] And so I mean to take care of you-- to take +care of you for your own sake and for your mammy's and daddy's. [_She +turns from him and fetches his hat and coat and gives them to him. He +receives them from her with a dazed look._] Time's up. [_After a +silence during which neither stirs._] Never mind. You'll survive it. +[_Another pause._] Come along. + + [_She passes him, to go to the door on the left. As she does so he + flings his hat and coat on to the settee, and clasps her in his arms._ + +FARNCOMBE. + +Lily-- Lily----! + +LILY. + +Ah, that's not fair! + +FARNCOMBE. + +Don't-- don't send me away like this! + +LILY. + +[_Her hand against his breast._] It isn't fair of you! + +FARNCOMBE. + +Say you'll take time to consider. + +LILY. + +I hate you for it! + +FARNCOMBE. + +Ask Roper's advice-- your mother's----! + +LILY. + +I've trusted you! + +FARNCOMBE. + +Ask Miss Birch----! + +LILY. + +Eddie! Lord Farncombe----! [_He releases her and they confront one +another, she panting, he hanging his head guiltily._] W-w-well, I-- +I _have_ been mistaken in you. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_In despair._] I-- I---- [_Turning from her and hitting his temples +with his fists._] Forgive me. Forgive me. + +LILY. + +Ha! I-- I thought you were such a quiet, bashful fellow. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Forgive me. Forgive me. + + [_She wavers and then slowly approaches him._ + +LILY. + +[_Gently._] Don't-- don't fret about it. _I_ forgive you. [_Touching +his arm with her finger-tips._] I'm to blame. [_Drawing a deep +breath._] All those dances----! + + [_He seizes her hand and kisses it passionately._ + +FARNCOMBE. + +I may see you again? I may see you again? Lily-- Lily--! Lily----! + +LILY. + +[_In a whisper, averting her head._] N-no-- we'd better not---- +[_There is a low but distinct knocking at the door on the left. She +withdraws her hand and they look at each other, he inquiringly, she +with a calm face. The knocking is repeated._] Mother. [_She goes to +the door and speaks with her mouth close to it._] That you, mother? +[_She listens for a reply and again the knocking is heard._] Who is +it? [_She opens the door. JEYES is outside._] Nicko! [_JEYES comes +into the room. He has rid himself of his wig and beard and is wearing +an overcoat buttoned up to his chin and a cap drawn down to his brows. +His face is white and his jaws are set determinedly._] How-- how have +you got in? [_He produces a bunch of keys and grimly displays a +latch-key._] Oh-- oh----! [_Pulling off his cap, JEYES advances to the +table in the centre, glaring at FARNCOMBE. LILY closes the door +sharply and also advances, speaking volubly to FARNCOMBE as she comes +forward._] Captain Jeyes is in the habit of bringing me home from the +theatre after my work; and a long while ago I gave him a latch-key to +carry on his key-ring, so that he could let me into my house whenever +I'd forgotten my own key. He hasn't the slightest right to use it at +any other time; nobody knows that better than he does. It's a +confounded liberty! [_To JEYES, hotly._] What are you doing here at +all at this hour of the morning? + +JEYES. + +[_After an expressive glance at FARNCOMBE._] An odd question, in the +circumstances. + +LILY. + +Answer me! + +JEYES. + +Keeping an eye on _you_. + +LILY. + +Spying on me! + +JEYES. + +On you-- [_jerking his head towards FARNCOMBE_] and---- + +LILY. + +How dare you! + +JEYES. + +I've been at it all night. + +LILY. + +All night! + +JEYES. + +Yes; I was in the theatre while you were supping and dancing. + +LILY. + +_You_ were! + +JEYES. + +I _meant_ to be there. You did your best to stop it---- + +LILY. + +That's a lie! + +JEYES. + +So that you could enjoy yourself thoroughly-- [_glancing at FARNCOMBE +again_] with---- + +LILY. + +A lie! + +JEYES. + +I didn't leave till past three. You and-- [_with another motion of the +head towards FARNCOMBE_] had just had your fifth dance together, and +they were hauling you round the building. + +LILY. + +Where _were_ you? Who----? + +JEYES. + +Excuse me; that's my business. Then I went back to Jermyn Street, and +it suddenly struck me I'd like to see how your escort was composed. + +LILY. + +You've been watching outside? + +JEYES. + +Since a quarter-to-four-- under the portico at the corner. + +LILY. + +[_Contemptuously._] _You_----! + +JEYES. + +Yes, but, by God, I wasn't quite prepared for _this_! + +LILY. + +This! + +JEYES. + +[_Cramming his cap into his overcoat-pocket and coming to FARNCOMBE._] +What the hell's your game? You've got some accommodating friends, both +of you, in that blackguard Roper and that slut Jimmie Birch! + +LILY. + +Oh--! [_Approaching JEYES with clenched fists._] Ah, you cur----! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Holding up his hand to her appealingly._] Miss Parradell----! + +LILY. + +[_To JEYES._] You cur! Mother's been told that Lord Farncombe's with +me. I sent Jimmie up to tell her. + +JEYES. + +Where _is_ your mother? + +LILY. + +In bed, of course. + +JEYES. + +Snoring! Ha, ha, ha! Faugh, there's an ugly name, my girl, for such +mothers as yours! + +LILY. + +Ah--! [_Raising her fist._] Ah-h-h-h----! + +FARNCOMBE. + +Miss Parradell----! + +LILY. + +[_Restraining herself with difficulty and pacing the room._] Oh, the +cur! The cur! The cur! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_To JEYES, looking at him steadily._] Captain Jeyes---- + +LILY. + +The low cur! + +FARNCOMBE. + +Captain Jeyes, do you happen to know where I lodge? + +JEYES. + +No; I don't know where your sty is. + +FARNCOMBE. + +St. James's Place-- forty-seven. I shall be in at twelve o'clock. +[_Picking up his hat and overcoat._] From the tone this gentleman +adopts, Miss Parradell, I assume that he considers himself entitled to +concern himself in your affairs. [_Moving over to the left where LILY +joins him._] Perhaps it will make it easier for you if I---- + +LILY. + +[_Clutching his arm._] Ah, I'm so indignant, Eddie! I-- I-- I----! + +JEYES. + +Eddie! _Eddie!_ + +LILY. + +[_Turning upon JEYES in a fury._] Yes, you cad-- Eddie, _Eddie_, +EDDIE! You cad! You sneak! You idler! You waster! I've stood it long +enough. This is the last straw! I've done with you! I'm sick to death +of you! How I've tolerated you all these years is a mystery to me! +After this, get out of my sight and never show yourself to me again! + +JEYES. + +[_Grasping her wrist, fiercely._] Lily----! + +LILY. + +[_Wrenching herself free._] _What!_ [_Losing control over herself +utterly._] You'll spy on me, will you, you shabby loafer! You'll peep +at me while I'm eating my supper, and count the dances I choose to +give that boy over there, will you! And then you'll break into my +house, and insult my friends behind their backs, and insinuate foul +things against my poor old mother-- you damned coward!-- and against +me, [_pointing to FARNCOMBE_] and _him_! Why, you're not fit to black +his boots, and you never were-- never-- you-- you-- you scum! Here! +[_Taking FARNCOMBE'S note from her bosom and thrusting it at JEYES._] +Read that! [_Sitting in the arm-chair by the centre table._] Read it! +Read it! Read it! [_JEYES reads to himself._] Out loud! + +JEYES. + +[_Mumbling._] "Dear Miss Parradell. Will you allow me----?" + +LILY. + +Louder! + +JEYES. + +"Will you allow me to remain behind for a few minutes with Miss Jimmie +after the others have gone? I know I am presuming a lot, but I cannot +leave you till I have asked you the most important question a man can +put to a woman. Farncombe." + +LILY. + +[_Breathless._] Written here-- on my note-paper-- while I was out of +the room! It came on me like a thunder-clap! Ah! Ah! Ah! [_JEYES sits +upon the settee, staring at the carpet._] And Morrie Cooling and Lal +will tell you that I hadn't a notion that Lord Farncombe was to be at +the supper last night, or any of the boys; not a notion. +I blackguarded 'em both for deceiving me, and causing me to deceive +_you_. [_Taking the scent-atomizer from the table and spraying her +face with it._] Now! What have you to say now! Ah! Ah! Ah! + +JEYES. + +[_Huskily._] Why-- why the devil did you let Jimmie go? Why did you +let her go? It was knowing that you and Farncombe were alone that-- +that made me---- + +LILY. + +Oh, if I'd suspected that a private detective was hovering around, I'd +have kept the whole lot of my friends! As it was, Jimmie was looking +dead, and--! [_in disdain._] Pah! + + [_There is a pause and then JEYES sits upright and draws his hand + wearily across his eyes._ + +JEYES. + +[_To LILY._] Well, I-- I beg your pardon. [_LILY continues to spray +herself energetically._] I'm not so completely _scum_ as not to see +that I ought to beg your pardon. [_Humbly._] I beg your pardon. + +LILY. + +[_Softening by degrees._] You-- you drive me mad sometimes-- +positively frantic! + +JEYES. + +[_Partly to himself._] Mad! [_To FARNCOMBE._] And you, Farncombe-- +I hope you'll accept my apologies. I offer them unreservedly. + + [_FARNCOMBE bows, somewhat stiffly._ + +LILY. + +[_To JEYES, protruding her lower lip._] I-- I didn't mean half I said, +Nicko; I didn't mean half of it. [_Eyeing FARNCOMBE askance as she +replaces the atomizer._] And I-- I'm ashamed of myself for losing my +self-control as I did. [_There is another pause and then JEYES gets to +his feet and silently returns the note to LILY. She looks up at him +piteously and puts the note back into her bosom. Then he takes out his +key-ring, removes the latch key from it, and throws the key on to the +table. Having done this, he drags his cap from his pocket and makes +for the door on the left. As he passes LILY, she rises and gently +plucks at his sleeve._] Nicko-- Nicko---- + +JEYES. + +[_In a thick voice._] Eh? + +LILY. + +Won't you-- won't you give Lord Farncombe-- some explanation----? + +JEYES. + +Explanation----? + +LILY. + +Of the sort of terms we've been on, you and I, He-- he must be-- +rather puzzled-- [_turning away to the table._] Oh, it's due to you as +well as to me! + +JEYES. + +[_Dully._] Just as you please. [_With a hard laugh._] Ho, ho! Yes, +perhaps it _is_ due to me that he should learn a little more about me +than he's been able to gather from personal observation-- and from +your eloquent but summary description. [_Under his breath, screwing up +his cap._] Idler-- waster-- loafer----! + +LILY. + +[_Penitently._] Nicko! + +JEYES. + +[_To FARNCOMBE, quietly._] Oh, it's a true bill, Farncombe. And yet, +a very few years back-- _she_ won't dispute it-- I was one of the +smartest chaps going, good at my job, with prospects as rosy as any +man's in my regiment. There wasn't a cloud the size of your hand, +apparently, in my particular bit of sky at the time I speak of; not a +speck! Then I met this young lady, and-- [_pointing to the +box-ottoman_] well, since we're in for it----! + +FARNCOMBE. + +Oh, Captain Jeyes---- + +JEYES. + +No, no; she wishes you to understand the exact nature of the +friendship between her and me. I'm obeying instructions. [_FARNCOMBE +sits on the ottoman, nursing his hat and overcoat. Then JEYES sits in +the arm-chair by the centre table, first turning the chair so that it +faces FARNCOMBE._] Farncombe, I was under thirty, and still a +subaltern, when I made Miss Parradell's acquaintance. Like most of my +pals, I was spending my nights, whenever I could get away from +Aldershot, in the stalls at the Pandora-- much the same as _you've_ +been doing recently, and as a certain class of young man'll go on +doing as long as the Pandora, and similar shops, continue to flourish. +Ha! How honoured we felt, we men, in those days, at knowing some of +the Pandora girls, and having the privilege of supping 'em and +standing 'em dinner on Sunday evenings! If they'd been royal +princesses we couldn't have been more elated. [_With a gesture._] +Don't jump at conclusions. It generally ended there, or with our +running into debt at a jeweller's. _We_ were young, _they_ were +beautiful-- or we thought 'em so; but the majority of us weren't +vicious, any more than the majority of the girls were-- though many of +'em were mighty calculating. It would have been better for us men if +all the girls _had_ been wicked; the glamour, the infatuation, the +folly, would have been sooner over, and one of us at least would have +had a different tale to tell. + + [_JEYES pauses, gazing at the floor, FARNCOMBE moves impatiently on + the ottoman and LILY seats herself upon the settee._ + +LILY. + +[_Plaintively._] Nicko-- Nicko-- I merely wanted you to---- + +JEYES. + +[_Rousing himself and speaking to LILY over his shoulder._] Who was it +introduced us? + +LILY. + +Miss Du Cane-- Aggie Du Cane. + +JEYES. + +Agnes Du Cane. _She's_ gone under. [_To LILY._] Outside Buckley's +oyster-bar, wasn't it? + +LILY. + +Not outside; in the parlour. + +JEYES. + +[_To FARNCOMBE._] Lily had only lately come to the Pandora-- +a pale-faced slip of a thing. [_To LILY._] Eighteen, weren't you? + +LILY. + +[_Nodding._] Eighteen. + +JEYES. + +I confess I wasn't overwhelmingly attracted by her at first; she was +so unlike the rest. [_Laughing bitterly._] Ha, ha, ha! + +LILY. + +[_Weakly._] Ha, ha, ha! Wasn't I dowdy! + +JEYES. + +But she was humble, and naïve, and confiding; and my vanity was +tickled by her delight at the little treats I gave her, and by her +gratitude for a tuppeny-ha'penny present or two. Nobody, I believe, +with any pretensions to being a gentleman, had paid her much attention +before I arrived on the scene. + +LILY. + +[_In a murmur._] No; nobody. + +JEYES. + +I didn't find out that I was in love with her-- you guess it's a love +story, don't you?---- + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Delicately._] My dear Captain Jeyes---- + +JEYES. + +I didn't find out that I was neck and heels in love with her until +nearly a year afterwards, when my regiment went to the Curragh. _That_ +did it-- separation! What I suffered in that hole, thinking of her, +starving for her! In less than three months I was in London again, on +leave, and in my old stall at the Pandora. But even then, Farncombe, I +hadn't your pluck. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Pluck? + +JEYES. + +The pluck to snap my fingers at the world and propose marriage to a +Pandora girl. Besides, my mother was alive then, and-- [_abruptly, +with a wild look_] would you like to know what _she_ used to call +these Pandora women, Farncombe? [_Bending forward, his hands tightly +clenched._] She used to call them _a menace to society_. With their +beauty, and their flagrant opportunities for displaying it, they are a +living curse, she used to say-- a source of constant dread to mothers +whose hope it is to see their sons safely mated to modest, maidenly +girls of the typical English pattern. She told us once-- my brothers +and me-- frightened as to where _we_ were drifting, that she was one +of many mothers who prayed on their knees daily that their boys might +be spared from being drawn into the net woven by their own weaknesses +and passions-- drawn into it by these-- these----! [_He breaks off, +stares about him for a moment, and then rises._] Oh, but I oughtn't to +have repeated this to _you_. Pardon. [_Walking away unsteadily._] Ho, +damned bad taste! [_Behind the table, supporting himself by leaning +upon it._] Where was I? Back from the Curragh! [_Confused._] Yes-- +yes-- and so things went on for a couple o' years-- I trailing after +Lily closer than ever-- and at last-- at last I _did_ ask her to be my +wife. + +LILY. + +[_Who has been listening to JEYES with parted lips and wide-open +eyes-- appealingly._] Don't! Don't, Nicko; don't! + +JEYES. + +[_Oblivious of her interruption._] But I'd left it too late. The +novelty of me had worn off; she'd scores of friends by that time; +she'd made her big hit, and followed it with another, and was the talk +o' the town. And she'd money; she wasn't dependent on _me_ any longer +for her gloves and her trips and outings! + +LILY. + +[_Her head drooping._] Oh! Oh! [_Wringing her hands._] Oh, that's +_beastly_ of you; _beastly_! + +JEYES. + +She was kind to me too, in a way-- kind and cruel. She didn't want to +marry me; she didn't want to marry anybody; she was in love with +herself, and her success, and what it was bringing her. But she +wouldn't give me the kick. No, she wouldn't do that; I _had_ been +something to her. And there's where the kindness came in-- and the +merciless cruelty. [_Sitting upon the fauteuil-stool rigidly._] God, +if only she'd broken with me then, firmly and finally-- if only she'd +broken with me then-- she-- she might have saved me! + +LILY. + +[_Struggling with her tears._] Oh, Nicko, Nicko! + +JEYES. + +Twelve months ago she did throw me a bone. The regiment was under +orders for India, and of course I sent in my papers; and out of pity, +I suppose-- and because I was always pestering her-- she promised to +become engaged to me if I'd get other work to do. Work! I wonder +whether really she was grinning to herself when she made the +stipulation! + +LILY. + +Oh-- oh----! + +JEYES. + +Work! All the spunk, all the energy, had been sapped out of me long +before, and even her promise couldn't revive it. My search for a berth +wasn't much more than a sham. At the back of my head I knew very well +what I'd come to. The only work _I_ was capable of was dancing +attendance on _her_, and filling in what remained of the day and night +at a rotten restaurant, a Bohemian club, and the bar of the theatre. +And that's _been_ my sole employment for the past year-- nothing but +that. Pretty, for a man who started life as swimmingly as I did! [_His +voice dying away._] Pretty-- pretty-- pretty-- pretty----! + +LILY. + +[_After a profound stillness._] I-- I don't think you've ever-- put +the case to me-- quite so plainly as this, Nicko. + +JEYES. + +I-- I don't think I've ever put it quite so plainly-- to myself. + +LILY. + +[_Her lip trembling._] You-- you won't believe me---- + +JEYES. + +What? + +LILY. + +I-- I've never fully realised it till now-- the harm I've done you. +I declare to God I've never realised it till now. [_Faintly._] +Nicko----! + +JEYES. + +[_After a further pause._] Ah, well--! [_With a deep sigh._] Ah, well! +[_To FARNCOMBE, resignedly._] Farncombe, I-- I'm afraid I'm a shocking +brute. I-- I got carried away. Forget-- forget the things I've said of +this girl. Forget 'em, will yer? [_Starting to his feet._] And look +here! A man who isn't a sportsman deserves to be shot. You've won her; +I've lost her. Congratulate yer, old chap; congratulate yer! [_Pulling +on his cap._] Take care of her, that's all; m-m-mind you take care of +her! + + [_He turns towards the door and she jumps up and runs to him and + seizes his arm. FARNCOMBE also rises._ + +LILY. + +No, no, Nicko! Nicko--! [_Giving FARNCOMBE a half frightened, half +imploring look._] Nicko, I can't undo the mischief I've done; I can't +do that. But I can try to make it up to you-- some of it-- and I will, +if you'll let me. [_Putting her arms round his shoulders._] Nicko----! + +JEYES. + +[_Roughly._] Make it-- up to me? + +LILY. + +[_Her face close to his._] You know what I mean! As soon as possible-- +next month, if you like-- next week-- quietly--! [_He grips her arms +and stares at her blankly._] Ha, ha! Yes, you've been in too great a +hurry to settle matters, _you_ have. Lord Farncombe and I-- we-- +_we're_ not going to be married. I've refused him. [_Wildly._] I-- +I've ruined _you_, Nicko; but I-- I've told him-- I'm not going to +draw _him_ into my net! [_Clinging to JEYES and burying her face in +the breast of his coat, crying._] Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm not going to draw +_him_ into my net! + + [_Again there is a pause and then JEYES turns to FARNCOMBE, dazed._ + +JEYES. + +Farncombe----? + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Inclining his head._] Yes-- yes---- + +JEYES. + +[_With feeling._] My dear fellow, I-- I----! + +LILY. + +[_Raising her head and speaking through her tears-- to JEYES._] Nicko, +I-- I want to have one more word with Lord Farncombe-- just one more +word. [_He nods understandingly and goes to the door on the left. She +follows him._] Only a minute; [_he opens the door_] and then you must +walk away together, you and he, and part good friends. [_He goes out +on to the landing and she closes the door and stands with her back to +it, drying her eyes with her handkerchief. FARNCOMBE, still carrying +his hat and overcoat, has crossed to the settee, a forlorn figure._] +W-w-well, you-- you _have_ had a lucky escape, haven't you? + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Heavily._] Escape? + +LILY. + +[_Leaving the door and advancing._] You-- you've heard what a +cold-blooded, selfish wretch I am-- how I've treated Nicko! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Waving the idea away._] Oh----! + +LILY. + +[_Coming to him._] And you've seen what I'm like when I'm in a rage; +you've seen what the genuine Lily Margaret Upjohn is, without her +disguise. [_Looking up into his face pathetically._] Yes, that was +_me_, Eddie, under the crust. Common as dirt, dear; common as dirt! +[_Holding the lapels of his coat._] Oh! Oh, you'll always remember me, +with my eyes starting out of my head, spitting at Nicko! You'll always +picture that horrible sight when you think of me. + +FARNCOMBE. + +You-- you were provoked; I-- I admired you for it. + +LILY. + +[_Tenderly._] Ah, you dear boy! [_In an altered tone._] Eddie---- + +FARNCOMBE. + +Yes? + +LILY. + +Had you-- a little hope-- that, after all, I might turn your offer +over in my mind and-- and eventually----? + +FARNCOMBE. + +Yes-- yes. + +LILY. + +[_With a catch in her breath._] Ah----! [_In a whisper._] I-- I'll +tell you something. + +FARNCOMBE. + +What? + +LILY. + +[_In his ear._] I _might_ have, if-- if you'd persisted. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Groaning._] Oh-h-h-h! + +LILY. + +[_Retreating a step or two._] Thank God Nicko came along! Thank God +Nicko came along! _What_ was it his mother called us girls? A menace +to society; creatures to be dreaded, and prayed against! You see I was +right in wishing to protect you for your mammy's sake as well as your +own. But, oh-- thank God Nicko came along! [_He sits suddenly upon the +settee and covers his face with his hands. She returns to him +quickly._] Ah, don't do that; don't do that! [_Touching his hands._] +Eddie! Eddie! I'm not worth it. Eddie! [_With an effort, he lifts his +head._] Listen. _This_ is what I want to say to you. Don't come near +me any more; you mustn't. And don't come to the theatre again either. +If I thought you were sitting in front, I-- I'm sure I couldn't----! +[_Entreatingly._] Swear-- swear you'll keep away from me, and from the +theatre! [_He nods._] And you'll never go to any supper or dinner or +dance where you're likely to meet the other girls, will you? Eddie! +[_He shakes his head._] Swear! [_He rises and, as he does so, she +grips the lapels of his coat again, her eyes blazing fiercely._] Oh! +Oh! If one of the other girls ever got hold of you, I-- I-- [_hissing +into his face_] I'd kill her! [_She leaves him and goes to the door on +the left and opens it._] Nicko! [_JEYES enters the room._] March, both +of you! [_Exhausted._] I-- I'm pretty well baked. [_FARNCOMBE joins +LILY and JEYES at the door and she stands between the two men looking +from one to the other and taking a hand of each._] Ha, ha, ha! I've +made the _pair_ of you precious miserable, if you only knew it. [_To +JEYES._] The difference is that _he'll_ soon forget me, and _you_, +with _me_ for a wife, are doomed for life. [_Putting her hands upon +JEYES' shoulders._] Nicko----! [_She kisses him lightly and, having +done so, asks him a question with her eyes. JEYES turns aside and she +faces FARNCOMBE and offers him her lips. They kiss._] Good-bye. +[_After a moment's pause, to both of them._] Away with you! [_The two +men go out and she follows them to the top of the stairs and watches +them descend. Then she slowly comes back into the room and stands +listening at the door. There is a distant sound._] Ah! [_Partly +closing the door, she wanders about the room aimlessly for a while. +Then, impulsively, she runs to the further window, lifts the sash, and +looks below._] Ah!... Ah!... [_Drawing back._] Ah-h-h-h----! + + [_She shuts the window and comes to the settee and, sitting there, + takes off her shoes. Then she goes down upon the floor inelegantly, + hunts for her slippers, and puts them on. As she rises, the door on + the left is pushed open and MRS. UPJOHN peeps in cautiously._ + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_In a dressing-gown and with her hair, now very scanty, tightly +screwed up._] Lil----? + +LILY. + +[_Stiffening herself and speaking in a cold, level voice._] Oh, I was +just coming up to you, mother, to get you to undo me. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Bustling to LILY._] I didn't mean to, but I fell off. [_Unhooking +LILY'S dress._] It _was_ the front-door I 'eard a minute ago, then? It +gave me sech a start. [_In difficulties with the hooks._] Turn more to +the light, dearie. These dressmakers do it a' purpose, I b'lieve. The +'ooks on that noo gown o' mine are a perfect myst'ry. Wot's _this_? + +LILY. + +[_Twisting her body._] Oh, don't fiddle so, mother! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +You _did_ let 'im stay a time, Lil. 'Eaps to talk over, eh? + +LILY. + +[_Stonily._] Heaps. [_Trying to assist MRS. UPJOHN._] Oh----! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Well, dear; well, well! Tell me wot's took place. Don't keep me in +suspense. + +LILY. + +I shan't tell you anything, mother, till I've had a sleep. I must go +through the sheets first. [_Stamping her foot._] Oh, tear the thing; +tear it! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +'Ave you consented to make 'im 'appy, poor young gentleman? That's all +I want to know, Lil. [_Overcoming a hook._] There! + +LILY. + +Thank you, mother. [_Slipping her arms out of her dress._] I can +manage the rest. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +But, Lil, dearie----! + +LILY. + +Oh, for mercy's sake, leave me alone! [_Violently._] Why can't you +leave me alone! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Ho! Very good! [_Moving away indignantly as LILY, with shaking +fingers, unfastens a necklace._] _This_ is my reward for layin' awake +'alf the night, is it, an' for thinkin' of you, an' wonderin' about +you! Ungrateful little puss, you! [_Going towards the door._] After +this, you can keep your affairs to yourself for as long as ever you +choose. Don't you expect _me_----! + +LILY. + +[_Suddenly, sitting upon the settee._] Mother----! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Sharply._] Yes? + +LILY. + +[_Her hand to her brow._] Oh, mother----! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Hurrying to LILY._] Wot is it? + +LILY. + +[_Swaying._] At last-- at last----! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +At last----? + +LILY. + +[_Clinging to MRS. UPJOHN._] I'm in love, mother-- I'm in love-- in +love-- in love----! + + END OF THE THIRD ACT. + + + + + THE FOURTH ACT + + +_The scene is the same as in the preceding act, but the light outside +is brighter and warmer and in the room is more diffused. On the table +in the centre, placed close to the settee, there is a small tray with +a breakfast of tea and toast upon it. The bedroom door is partly +open._ + + + [_LILY, wan and red-eyed, is lying, propped up by cushions, upon the + settee. A newspaper is on her lap but she is gazing at vacancy. She + is in _négligé_. A dainty morning-robe covers her night-gown, her + bare feet are in slippers, and her hair is in a simple knot. MAUD + is at one of the drawers of the cupboard at the back, engaged in + selecting some articles of _lingerie_, and MRS. UPJOHN, completely + dressed for the day, is sitting in the arm-chair by the centre + table, her face hidden by a newspaper which she is reading. + Presently MAUD shuts the drawer and, carrying the _lingerie_, + comes forward._ + +MAUD. + +[_To LILY._] What frock'll you put on? + +LILY. + +[_Starting slightly._] Eh? + +MAUD. + +One of your embroidered muslins, or your Ninon? + +LILY. + +[_Languidly._] Either; _I_ don't care. + +MAUD. + +Oh, gracious, what on earth _is_ the matter with you this morning! +I've never known you as queer as this after any hop you've been to in +_my_ time. [_To MRS. UPJOHN, who has lowered her paper._] Nothing +wrong, is there? + +LILY. + +[_Turning over and burying her head in the cushions._] Maud. + +MAUD. + +[_Moving to the settee and bending over LILY._] Here I am, lovey. + +LILY. + +[_In a muffled voice._] Go into the next room and shut the door, and +don't let me see your stupid, fat face till I come to you. + +MAUD. + +[_Laughing heartily._] Ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho! That's better. [_Going +to the bedroom door._] That's how I like to hear her talk. We needn't +send for Dr. Gilson yet awhile. Ha, ha, ha! + + [_She disappears into the bedroom and closes the door._ + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Looking at LILY._] Lil. + +LILY. + +Yes, mother? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +'Ave another cup o' tea, won't you? + +LILY. + +No. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +'Nother bit o' toast, then? + +LILY. + +No. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Smoke a cigarette. + +LILY. + +No. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +You always _do_ 'ave a w'iff after your breakfast. Come! + +LILY. + +No. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Rising and walking away._] Oh, dear; oh, dear! Deuce take Carlton +Smythe an' 'is supper party-- those are _my_ sentiments; _an'_ Lal +Roper, busybody that 'e is! Things were goin' on with us as smooth an' +peaceful as could be, before this upset. + +LILY. + +[_Raising herself, angrily._] _You_ were in it, mother; you're as much +to blame as anybody. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Halting._] 'Ow _in_ it? + +LILY. + +In Uncle Lal's artful plan to prevent Nicko from being invited. You've +confessed you were. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Lal twisted me round 'is little finger. I was clay in the porter's +'and, as your dad was fond of sayin'. + +LILY. + +[_Changing her position._] If only Nicko had been there, I shouldn't +have given young Farncombe all those dances, nor wandered about with +him in the intervals, nor allowed him to see me home. It all simply +wouldn't, _couldn't_ have happened. [_Hitting a cushion._] Oh! +[_Sitting up and embracing her knees._] Mother----! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Behind the settee._] Wot? + +LILY. + +[_Knitting her brows._] I-- I'm so surprised at myself. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Surprised? + +LILY. + +So-- so disappointed with myself. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Why, you 'aven't done anything that-- that's not quite respectable, +Lil. On the cont'ry---- + +LILY. + +No, I haven't done anything that's actually not nice, but-- fancy!---- + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Close to LILY._] Fancy----? + +LILY. + +[_Opening her eyes widely._] Fancy my letting myself go with young +Farncombe as I did! _He-- he'd_ been admiring me from a distance for +weeks and weeks, but I'd scarcely noticed him till last night! +[_Leaning her head against MRS. UPJOHN, softly._] I-- I always thought +I was such a cold girl, mother, in-- in that way. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +I s'pose it was wot's called love at first sight, Lil. + +LILY. + +[_Laughing shamefacedly._] Ha, ha, ha! [_Putting her feet to the +ground and shielding her face with her hands._] Oh, don't talk rot, +mother. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Moving away._] Any'ow, it's not too late, Lil-- even now---- + +LILY. + +Not too late----? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Behind the centre table._] To back out, dearie. The Captain couldn't +possibly 'old you to a 'asty promise given 'im between four an' five +in the mornin'. + +LILY. + +Oh! Oh, how _can_ you! I've passed my word to Nicko and I wouldn't +break it for twenty thousand pounds. [_Looking up._] Mother----! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Fussing with the things upon the table._] Yes? + +LILY. + +[_Resolutely._] I'm going to pull Nicko _up_, mother. I've dragged him +down, and I mean to raise him. [_Clenching her hands._] So help me +God, I do! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Well, you've got a tough job before you, Lil, in my opinion. + +LILY. + +Perhaps; but I mean to succeed. [_After a pause._] Besides---- + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Besides----? + +LILY. + +[_Slowly._] I've told you-- Nicko or no Nicko-- I'm determined-- I'm +determined not to draw Eddie Farncombe into my net. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Into your _net_? [_Another pause._] Lil---- + +LILY. + +Eh? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +That's twice you've made use o' that remark. 'Oo's accused you----? +[_There is a lively rat-tat at the door on the left._] Come in! + + [_The door opens and JIMMIE BIRCH bounces into the room._ + +JIMMIE. + +[_As she closes the door._] Ah, Ma! Ah, Lillums! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Good mornin'. + +JIMMIE. + +[_Kissing MRS. UPJOHN._] Ha, ha! We've met before, this morning, +haven't we! [_Coming to LILY._] Well, dear old girl, and how are _you_ +to-day? [_Kissing LILY and then eyeing her keenly._] A wreck? + +LILY. + +Rather. + +JIMMIE. + +I _ought_ to be, but I'm not. Directly I laid my pretty head on my +pillow I went off, and never stirred till I found the breakfast-tray +on my chest. [_Reckoning on her fingers._] Five to six-- six to +seven-- seven to eight-- eight to nine-- nine to ten-- ten to eleven. +I've had six hours; that's not so dusty. [_To LILY, slyly._] You +didn't sleep very soundly, probably? + +LILY. + +Not very. + +JIMMIE. + +[_Smiling from ear to ear._] Excited? [_LILY shrugs her shoulders. +There is a silence and then JIMMIE, still beaming, looks round and +sees that MRS. UPJOHN has seated herself upon the fauteuil-stool._] +May I sit down for a minute? + +LILY. + +Of course, Jimmie; do. + + [_JIMMIE sits in the arm-chair by the centre table, awaiting some + communication which doesn't come. MRS. UPJOHN drums upon the table + with her fingers and LILY busies herself with re-arranging the + cushions on the settee._ + +JIMMIE. + +[_After a while._] Hope I haven't dropped in too early? + +LILY. + +[_Settling her shoulders into the cushions._] Not a bit, dear. + +JIMMIE. + +It's nearly half-past twelve. I-- I _dashed_ round. [_After another +pause, unable to restrain herself further._] Any news? Any-any-anything +to tell me? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Abruptly._] Yes. + +JIMMIE. + +W-w-what----? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Lil's engaged. + +JIMMIE. + +Hah! [_Triumphantly._] Hah, hah! [_Clapping her hands and beating her +feet upon the floor._] Hah, hah, hah, hah! [_Jumping up and sitting +beside LILY and hugging and kissing her._] Oh! Oh! Oh! Y'm! Y'm! Y'm! +Oh, you humbugs! [_Rising and rushing at MRS. UPJOHN and embracing +her._] You solemn humbug, Ma! [_Leaving MRS. UPJOHN and singing and +dancing to the refrain sung in the previous Act._] "If you would only, +only love me;--" Ha, ha, ha! "If you would merely, merely say,----" +[_Her voice gradually dying away as she sees that the expression on +LILY'S face, and upon MRS. UPJOHN'S, doesn't alter._] "Wait but a +little-- [_standing still_] little-- for me----" + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Caustically._] Yes, you _'ad_ better wait a little; you'd better +wait till you 'ear _'oo_ she's engaged _to_. + +JIMMIE. + +Who-- to! + +LILY. + +[_Studying her nails._] _Whom_ to, mother. + +JIMMIE. + +Why, isn't it----? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +No, it ain't. It's the Captain. + +JIMMIE. + +T-t-the Cap--! [_To LILY._] N-n-nicko? [_LILY nods. JIMMIE draws a +deep breath._] Oh-h-h-h! + +LILY. + +[_Calmly._] Nicko turned up here early this morning-- while Eddie-- +while Lord Farncombe was with me, in fact-- and I-- we-- the three of +us-- we talked matters over, and-- and---- + +JIMMIE. + +[_Her eyes starting out of her head._] Was there a row? + +LILY. + +Oh, don't be so curious, Jimmie. Poor Nicko has been after me for six +years. A girl must play the game, if she's at all decent and wishes to +preserve a shred of self-respect. + + [_Again there is a pause and then JIMMIE silently resumes her seat in + the arm-chair._ + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Moistening her lips with her tongue-- to JIMMIE._] 'Ow do you feel +about it? + +JIMMIE. + +[_Thoughtfully._] How do I feel about it? [_To LILY._] May I say? + +LILY. + +[_Coldly._] Certainly. + +JIMMIE. + +[_Rubbing the arm of her chair with the palm of her hand._] Well, if I +were on board a ship at this moment, I should be ringing for the +stewardess; that's how I feel about it. + +LILY. + +[_Throwing herself, face downward, at full length upon the settee._] +Oh! Oh, you're just like the rest of our girls on the question of +marriage! You-- you-- you're detestable! + +JIMMIE. + +[_Sliding out of her chair and kneeling at the settee and putting an +arm round LILY._] Oh, Lil-- Lil----! + +LILY. + +[_Repulsing her._] Yes, you are! [_Raising herself upon her elbow._] +You'd rejoice to see me draw this boy into my net, wouldn't you! You +know you would. [_MRS. UPJOHN rises and comes forward._] I dare say +you jolly well wouldn't object to catching him yourself if you'd half +a chance! [_Fiercely._] You try it; you try it-- you, or any of you! + +JIMMIE. + +[_Attempting to rise, scandalised._] Oh----! + +LILY. + +[_Holding her._] No, no----! Jimmie----! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Lil, I'm perfec'ly ashamed of you, speakin' to Jimmie Birch in that +manner. + +LILY. + +[_Dropping her head on JIMMIE'S shoulder._] Oh----! + +JIMMIE. + +She doesn't mean it. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +I 'ope not. It ain't exac'ly pleasant to 'ave a dog in the manger for +a daughter. [_To LILY._] Why _shouldn't_ young Farncombe turn 'is +attention to Miss Birch, pray, or to any young lady who doesn't object +to take your leavin's! + +JIMMIE. + +[_To MRS. UPJOHN._] H'sh, h'sh, h'sh! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Walking about._] No, I won't 'ush! + +JIMMIE. + +[_To LILY, quietly._] I'll come back in the afternoon. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Lil seems to 'ave got some maggot or other in 'er brain about drawin' +Lord Farncombe into 'er _net_. Net indeed! [_JIMMIE, not heeding MRS. +UPJOHN, arranges LILY comfortably upon the settee and then rises and +smoothes out her skirt preparatory to departure._] As Lal Roper was +sayin' yesterday, our tiptop, aristocratic English fam'lies ought to +be 'xtremely grateful that strong, 'ealthy perfeshunals o' the class +of Miss 'Arker an' Miss Trevail an' Miss Shafto are enterin' their +ranks. An' if Lil chooses to be pig-'eaded enough----! [_JIMMIE makes +a movement towards MRS. UPJOHN._] 'Ave a bottle o' ginger beer before +you go. [_There is a prolonged, playful knocking at the door on the +left followed, on the part of those in the room, by a gloomy pause._] +That _is_ Lal. + +LILY. + +[_Groaning._] Oh-h-h-h! + +JIMMIE. + +[_Drawing a long face._] H'm! + +LILY. + +[_To JIMMIE._] Oh, Jimmie-- stay----! + + [_The knocking is repeated. JIMMIE retreats to the right as MRS. + UPJOHN goes to the door and opens it. ROPER is outside._ + +ROPER. + +[_Entering, in high spirits._] Hullo, hullo, hullo, hul-lo! +[_Embracing MRS. UPJOHN._] Morning, Ma! [_Advancing._] Any _more_ bids +for the handsome gilt candelabra with the crystal drops? Ha, ha, ha! +[_To JIMMIE._] Morning, Jimmie! [_Looking down, upon LILY, eagerly._] +Well, Lil! Well, my pet! + +LILY. + +[_In a weary tone, giving him the tips of her fingers and then turning +upon her side with her face to the back of the settee._] How are you, +Uncle Lal? + +ROPER. + +[_Chilled._] Oh, I-- thank you, Lil-- [_After a short pause, to MRS. +UPJOHN-- glancing at LILY._] Not up to much to-day? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Glumly._] No great shakes. + +ROPER. + +Dancing too hard, I 'spect. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +A deal too 'ard. + +ROPER. + +[_After another pause._] Anything else amiss, Ma? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Sitting upon the box-ottoman-- to JIMMIE, who is at the piano +examining some of the music._] _You_ tell Lal, Jimmie. + +ROPER. + +T-t-tell--? [_To JIMMIE, who comes to the settee-- apprehensively._] +Jimmie----! + +JIMMIE. + +[_Behind the settee, gravely._] No, the old Pandora isn't going to +score _this_ time, Lal. + +ROPER. + +Isn't going to--? I d-d-don't follow you. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Be plain, Jimmie. + +JIMMIE. + +[_Endeavouring to relieve the situation._] Ha, ha! Nature's taken +precious good care of that, in my case. + +ROPER. + +[_Angrily._] Now, look here, Jimmie! A jest is a capital thing in its +way. No man has a keener sense of humour than Lal Roper. But there +_are_ occasions when it's out o' place, and this is one of 'em, my +dear; and if it's not putting you to serious inconvenience---- + +JIMMIE. + +[_Also losing her temper._] Oh, well, then, have it in the neck! Lil's +declined young Farncombe. There! And when _you_ crack a joke next, Mr. +Roper, I beg you'll contrive to favour us with a little variety; +[_flouncing away_] because you bore me pallid with your rotten +wheezes, and always have done. + +ROPER. + +[_Going to MRS. UPJOHN, aghast at the tidings._] Ma----! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_To ROPER, under her breath._] Won't draw 'im into 'er net, Uncle. + +ROPER. + +Won't draw him into her----? + +JIMMIE. + +[_At the back._] K-n-e-double t-- net! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Pacifically._] Jimmie----! + +JIMMIE. + +[_Mimicking ROPER derisively._] Hullo, hullo, hullo, hul-lo! Fresh +fish from the sea! Buy 'em on the beach; buy 'em on the beach; buy 'em +on the beach! + +ROPER. + +[_To JIMMIE, indignantly._] Jimmie Birch----! + +JIMMIE. + +[_Sitting upon the fauteuil-stool._] Ha, ha! + +ROPER. + +[_To MRS. UPJOHN, wiping his brow._] Of course, there is _this_ to be +said, Ma. [_Rallying at the idea._] It may be wise of dear Lil to +decline Farncombe _at first_. It-- it-- it-- it doesn't do for a girl, +does it, to appear to throw herself at _any_ man, let alone a young +fellow of the position-- the-- the-- the social status----! + +LILY. + +[_Suddenly sitting up and putting her feet to the floor again._] Oh, +for mercy's sake, cease discussing my affairs in my presence! [_To +MRS. UPJOHN._] Mother, why do you keep Uncle Lal in the dark? [_To +JIMMIE._] Jimmie, why don't _you_----? + +ROPER. + +In the dark! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Yes, Lal; your flyin' out at Jimmie over 'er 'armless joke stopped 'er +finishin'. + +ROPER. + +Finishing----? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Lil's not on'y refused young Farncombe but she's gone an' plighted +'erself to another individual. + +ROPER. + +Plighted herself----? + +LILY. + +[_Passionately._] To one of the best! To one of the best! + +ROPER. + +[_Stupefied._] Do I-- do I know him? + +JIMMIE. + +Ha! + +LILY. + +Know him! You know him sufficiently to have plotted and schemed to +prevent his being asked to the party last night. + +JIMMIE. + +[_To LILY._] Did Lal do that? + +LILY. + +_Did_ he! + +JIMMIE. + +Impudence! + +ROPER. + +[_Sitting in the arm-chair by the centre table-- quietly._] Jeyes! + +JIMMIE. + +Nicko. + +LILY. + +[_Firmly._] Nicko. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +But the Captain _was_ at the party last night notwithstandin'. + +JIMMIE. + +[_To MRS. UPJOHN._] Nonsense, Ma! + +LILY. + +Yes, Nicko managed to get into the theatre somehow or other. + +JIMMIE. + +[_To LILY._] And watched you and young Farncombe----! + +LILY. + +And stationed himself under the portico of Twenty seven, to see who +brought me home. + +JIMMIE. + +Oh----! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +'E's always been frightfully jealous, the Captain 'as. + +JIMMIE. + +[_Looking at ROPER._] Oh, so _really_ it's entirely owing to Lal +Roper's interference that matters were brought to a head this morning! + +LILY. + +[_Her eyes flashing._] Entirely. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Joining in the attack upon ROPER._] Yes, if Lal 'ad been content to +mind 'is own business---- + +JIMMIE. + +And hadn't meddled----! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +_An'_ muddled----! + +JIMMIE. + +Things might have gone on much the same as before. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +An' might 'ave ended different. + +LILY. + +[_Rising and walking away to the right._] Ah, no, mother----! + +JIMMIE. + +[_Rising and joining LILY._] Certainly they might. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Rising._] Any'ow I 'ope it'll be a lesson to Lal---- + +JIMMIE. + +_Do_ you, Ma! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Moving over to the girls._] Not to put 'is fingers into other +people's pies. + +JIMMIE. + +[_To MRS. UPJOHN, with a withering glance at ROPER._] Oh, you _are_ +sanguine! + +ROPER. + +[_Rising and straightening himself out._] Ma-- Mrs. Upjohn-- Lily---- + +JIMMIE. + +[_Scornfully._] Hullo, hullo, hullo, hul-lo----! + +ROPER. + +[_To JIMMIE._] P'sh! [_Impressively._] Ma-- Lily-- for years-- longer +than it's agreeable to count-- I've been a patron of the drama-- +particularly musical comedy, of which I've studied the development +with especial interest. + +JIMMIE. + +[_Resting her elbows upon the back of the settee._] Yes, you've +studied a lot of development, Lal, in your day. + +ROPER. + +[_Ignoring JIMMIE._] It's been a fad with me; I put it no higher than +that. [_Producing his gloves._] But I've devoted time to it---- + +JIMMIE. + +Any amount. + +ROPER. + +[_Drawing a glove on._] Often to the neglect of my ventures in the +City. Here I am _now_, for instance. + +JIMMIE. + +That's obvious. + +ROPER. + +And-- I frankly admit it-- I've had more than one serious dispute with +_Mrs._ Roper on the subject. [_JIMMIE softly whistles a few bars of +"Rule, Britannia."_] Yesterday, by a coincidence-- [_feeling the +outside of his breast-pocket_] letter from the wife-- full o' +complaints-- haven't been to Bexhill, to her and the kids, for weeks. +And to do Ellen Roper justice, she's not the woman to grumble without +cause. [_Picking up his hat and cane which he has placed upon the +centre table._] Dash it all, home ties _are_ home ties! [_Polishing +his hat with his sleeve._] And, taking one consideration with +another-- and after this-- this occurrence-- it's my intention for the +future-- my firm intention---- + +LILY. + +[_Running to ROPER and throwing her arms around his neck._] Oh, Uncle +Lal, not altogether! We're tired and cross this morning! Not +altogether! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Behind the centre table._] No, no, Uncle, you mustn't----! + +LILY. + +[_To ROPER._] Forgive us! [_Coaxingly._] Mother and Jimmie are +cats----! + +MRS. UPJOHN AND JIMMIE. + +Oh----! + + [_The door on the left opens, and GLADYS enters with a card on a + salver._ + +GLADYS. + +[_Advancing to LILY._] Are you _in_? + +LILY. + +In? + +GLADYS. + +[_Surveying LILY with mingled disdain and pity._] Oh you _do_ look +washed out! + +LILY. + +[_Going to GLADYS._] Never you mind whether I look washed out or not. +Who is it? + + [_LILY takes the card, reads some writing upon it, and stands + twiddling the card in her fingers._ + +GLADYS. + +They're in the dining-room. + +LILY. + +[_To GLADYS, after a pause._] W-wait outside-- on the landing. + +GLADYS. + +Oh, all right. _This_ won't get my silver cleaned. + + [_GLADYS withdraws. LILY waits for the door to close and then walks + about distractedly._ + +LILY. + +Oh, why can't they leave me alone! What do they want with me now, both +of them! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Moving towards LILY._] 'Oo----? + +LILY. + +Nicko's downstairs-- with Lord Farncombe. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Lord Farncombe----! + +ROPER. + +And Jeyes! + +LILY. + +[_Reading the card again._] Nicko asks me to see him and the boy +together. [_ROPER and MRS. UPJOHN go to LILY, one on each side of her, +and try to read the card. She pushes them from her and sits in the +arm-chair by the centre table._] I won't; I won't. + +JIMMIE. + +[_Joining MRS. UPJOHN and ROPER._] Yes, yes, Lil; do. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Bewildered._] Wot----? + +JIMMIE. + +Perhaps they've arrived at a friendly understanding----! + +ROPER. + +Understanding? + +JIMMIE. + +[_Excitedly._] And have come to propose that Lil should choose between +them! + +ROPER. + +Great Scot----! + +LILY. + +I _have_ chosen; I _have_ chosen. It's settled. + +ROPER. + +_Undoubtedly_ she ought to see them. + +LILY. + +It's a shame to persecute me so-- a shame! + +JIMMIE, MRS. UPJOHN, AND ROPER. + +[_Behind LILY'S chair._] Lil! Lily----! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Give 'em a minute, dear. + +ROPER. + +Hear what they've got to _say_. + +JIMMIE. + +It _would_ be uncivil _not_ to. + +LILY. + +Oh--! Oh----! + +JIMMIE. } + +Buck up, Lil! } + +ROPER. } [_To LILY, urgently._] + +My pet! } + +MRS. UPJOHN. } + +'Ark to reason, dearie. } + +JIMMIE, MRS. UPJOHN, AND ROPER. + +Lil! Lily----! + +LILY. + +[_Yielding helplessly._] Oh, very well---- + +JIMMIE, MRS. UPJOHN, AND ROPER. + +Ah----! + +LILY. + +Tell Gladys-- when I ring---- + +JIMMIE. + +[_Flying to the door on the left._] I'll tell her. + +ROPER. + +[_To MRS. UPJOHN, importantly._] Lucky I was on the spot; lucky I was +on the spot. + +JIMMIE. + +[_On the landing, to GLADYS._] Bring the gentlemen up when Miss Lily +rings. + +LILY. + +[_Rising and pacing the room on the right._] Give me some stockings! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Hurrying into the bedroom._] Yes, dearie. [_As she disappears._] +Maud----! + +JIMMIE. + +[_Returning and closing the door and then whispering to ROPER._] Bet +my boots that's it! + +ROPER. + +[_To JIMMIE, in a whisper._] Choose between 'em! + +JIMMIE. + +What else can it be? + +ROPER. + +_I_ can't---- + +JIMMIE. + +[_Throwing herself into ROPER'S arms._] Oh, if it _is_! + +ROPER. + +[_Hugging her._] Oh----! + +JIMMIE. + +[_Suddenly, releasing herself._] Oh----! [_Haughtily._] Thought you +were Lily. + + [_MRS. UPJOHN returns, carrying a pair of stockings. LILY seats + herself upon the fauteuil-stool where, concealed by the centre table, + she draws on the stockings with MRS. UPJOHN'S assistance._ + +LILY. + +[_Whimpering._] Oh--! Oh----! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Don't, dearie; don't. Mother's _'ere_. + +ROPER. + +[_Impatiently._] I-- ah-- I think I'll run downstairs and shake hands +with Jeyes and Farncombe while Lily's tidying herself. + +JIMMIE. + +[_Who has moved over to the right-- to ROPER._] Be careful. I should +advise you not to risk it. + +ROPER. + +[_At the door._] Risk it? + +JIMMIE. + +If Nicko knows you were the cause of his being shut out of the party +last night, he'll simply throttle you. + +ROPER. + +[_Opening the door._] Throttle _me_! [_Formidably._] Throttle Lal +Roper----! + + [_He disappears, closing the door, as MAUD enters from the bedroom + with a pair of shoes._ + +LILY. + +[_Weakly._] Oh! Oh! Oh! Get me something to keep these up with. + +JIMMIE. + +[_To MAUD._] Ribbon---- + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Snatching the shoes from MAUD._] Ribbon. + + [_MAUD opens one of the drawers underneath the further cupboard on the + left and finds a roll of bright, new ribbon, while JIMMIE, searching + among the objects on the centre table, discovers the case of manicure + instruments and takes from it a pair of scissors._ + +LILY. + +[_Putting on her shoes-- to MRS. UPJOHN._] No, no; that's the left +foot-- oh----! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Don't agitate yourself, dearie. Mother's _'ere_. + + [_MAUD comes to the centre table with the ribbon and JIMMIE cuts off + two lengths from the roll._ + +MAUD. + +[_To JIMMIE._] Morning, Miss Jimmie! + +JIMMIE. + +[_To MAUD._] Morning! + +LILY. + +[_To MRS. UPJOHN._] Where's the mirror? Where's the mirror? + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Taking the mirror from the table and giving it to LILY._] 'Ere it +is, dearie; 'ere it is. An' _I'm_ 'ere too. + +LILY. + +[_Viewing herself in the mirror and running her hand over her hair._] +Oh, how horrid I look! [_JIMMIE goes to LILY with the two lengths of +ribbon and MAUD replaces the roll in the drawer._] Ring the bell. +[_JIMMIE hands LILY the garters, relieving her of the mirror, and MRS. +UPJOHN hastens to the fireplace and presses the bell-push +continuously._] That'll do, Maud; _you_ hook it. + +MAUD. + +[_Going to the bedroom door._] Ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho! That's how I +like to hear her talk. Ha, ha, ha, ha! + + [_MAUD vanishes into the bedroom, closing the door, and LILY, having + tied up her stockings, rises and comes to the settee._ + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Still pressing the bell-push._] _Now_ I don't believe I've rung. + +LILY. + +[_At the uttermost tension._] Ah, stop it, mother; stop it! [_Sitting +on the settee._] We're not calling the fire-brigade. + +JIMMIE. + +[_At the back of the settee, to LILY._] I'll wait in your bedroom till +the men have been shown up, and sneak out that way. [_Bending over +LILY._] Mind! If Nicko _is_ willing, after all, that you should make +your choice---- + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Advancing._] Yes, dearie, if 'e _is_ willing---- + +LILY. + +[_Frantically._] I tell you I _have_ made it. I keep on telling you +_I've chosen-- I've chosen-- I've chosen!_ [_Clenching her hands._] +If you torment me any more, either of you----! + + [_MRS. UPJOHN and JIMMIE retreat precipitately to the bedroom door. + They open the door and then, standing in the doorway, listen + intently._ + +JIMMIE. + +[_Disappearing._] Ah----! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Partially disappearing._] Ah--! [_Only her head visible, speaking to +LILY in a hoarse whisper._] Mother's _'ere_, dearie. + + [_The head is withdrawn and the door softly closed. After a pause, + GLADYS enters at the other door followed by JEYES and FARNCOMBE. The + men are carrying their hats and canes. GLADYS retires, closing the + door, and JEYES comes to LILY and shakes hands with her._ + +JEYES. + +[_To LILY, gently._] How are you to-day, Lil? Very fagged? + +LILY. + +[_Almost inaudibly._] I _am_ a little. [_JEYES turns from her, to lay +his hat and cane upon the box-ottoman, and then FARNCOMBE, who has +hung back, advances hesitatingly to the further side of the centre +table and bows to LILY. She rises and, avoiding his eyes, gives him a +limp hand across the table._] How d'ye do? [_To JEYES who, having got +rid of his hat and cane, moves away from the ottoman._] Sit down, +won't you? [_She resumes her seat upon the settee and JEYES, with a +nod, sits in the arm-chair by the centre table. FARNCOMBE remains +standing and again she addresses him without meeting his eyes._] And +you? + + [_FARNCOMBE, with another bow, sits upon the fauteuil-stool. There is + a brief silence and then JEYES speaks._ + +JEYES. + +Lil---- + +LILY. + +Y-yes? + +JEYES. + +In the first place, Farncombe wants you distinctly to understand how +it is he's committing this breach of his compact with you. [_To +FARNCOMBE._] You promised----? + +FARNCOMBE. + +I promised never to attempt to come near Miss Parradell again, nor +even to enter the theatre. + +JEYES. + +[_To LILY._] And if I'm any judge of a man, Lily, Farncombe would have +kept his promise. He'd have kept it faithfully, but for _me_. I've +brought him along-- insisted on it. [_Emphatically._] _I've brought +him along._ See? + +LILY. + +W-w-why, Nicko? + +JEYES. + +I'll tell you, my dear. You remember, when we left you early this +morning, ordering us to walk away together and to part good friends? + +LILY. + +P-perfectly. + +JEYES. + +Well, we did walk away together, and we did part good friends. But we +didn't part at all till some hours later, in his rooms. We didn't part +till I'd made him stand by me and listen to me while I had a long jaw +with my brother on the 'phone. + +LILY. + +[_Wonderingly._] With-- your----? + +JEYES. + +About that Rhodesian business. + +LILY. + +What Rhodesian business? + +JEYES. + +I mentioned it to you yesterday. Bob owns a third, with Peter Chalmers +and Tom Dalby, of a group of farms near Bulawayo, and he's been +badgering me eternally to cut this and to settle out there as their +agent. [_Simply._] And I've accepted, old girl. + +LILY. + +[_With a blank face._] Ac-cepted? + +JEYES. + +[_Grimly._] Leaving you to bring an action against me, to recover +damages for a broken heart. [_Drawing a deep breath._] Yes, I'm +chucking you, Lil. I give you formal notice of my intention; and you +can drive down to your solicitors this afternoon and instruct them to +writ me without delay. [_Forcing a laugh._] Ha, ha, ha! + +LILY. + +[_Faintly._] Nicko----! + +JEYES. + +Unless-- unless you've an idea of consoling yourself shortly with-- +with another chap, and prefer not to carry the matter into Court. + +LILY. + +[_About to rise._] Nicko----! + +JEYES. + +[_Restraining her by a gesture._] H'sh! No, no, no. [_She sinks +back._] Ah, Lil-- Lil-- I know you're full of generous, honest +impulses, though I _did_ tear you to rags in Farncombe's hearing a few +hours ago. But I'm not going to allow you to sacrifice yourself to +them; I-- I-- I've come to my senses, and I'm not going to permit it. +[_Bending forward._] Oh, my dear, why should I make you pay for the +weaknesses of my character? Because that's what it 'ud amount to. I've +bullied you for having played skittles with my life, my career. So you +_have_! Damn it, so you have! But you've done it out of blind +thoughtlessness; and if I'd been a fairly strong man, with some +ballast in me, you _couldn't_ have landed me where I am-- not you nor +fifty Pandora girls! [_Sitting erect._] And that-- that's the moral of +the tale; and-- and-- [_abruptly, to FARNCOMBE_] There's nothing more, +is there, Farncombe? + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Brokenly._] Except that-- that I'd like to repeat-- what I've +already said to Jeyes-- that I-- [_his elbows on the table, his head +bowed_] oh, you make me feel terribly small, Jeyes. + + [_Again there is a pause, and then LILY struggles to her feet and + holds out her hand to JEYES uncertainly, and at once he rises and + takes her in his arms. FARNCOMBE also rises and, standing behind the + settee, turns his back to JEYES and LILY._ + +LILY. + +[_To JEYES, choking._] Ah, Nicko-- I can't-- I can't---- + +JEYES. + +[_Patting her shoulder._] Ah----! + +LILY. + +Why, what-- what would become of my resolutions----? + +JEYES. + +Resolutions? + +LILY. + +To-- to raise you _up_, Nicko. + +JEYES. + +You _are_ raising me up-- setting me on my legs again. + +LILY. + +[_In a fright._] And-- and drawing Eddie into my net! + +JEYES. + +Oh, we've talked of that too, he and I. He's given me an account of +what passed between you here. My dear girl, your conscience may be +quite clear on that point. Nobody can ever reproach _you_ with trying +to draw him into your net. + +LILY. + +They _would_-- they _would_---- + +JEYES. + +At all events, the task you have to face now is to prove to the +world-- _his_ world-- that Miss Parradell is equal to playing "lead" +on a bigger stage than the stage of the Pandora. [_Holding her at +arms' length and shaking her fondly._] And you'll _do_ it! Ho, ho, ho, +ho! _You'll_ do it! Ha, ha, ha--! [_His voice dies away miserably and +he releases her. Then, pulling himself together, he looks at his +watch._] Well, I've got to lunch with Bob at half-past one at the +Junior Carlton---- + +LILY. + +[_Agitatedly._] Ah, it's not nearly that, Nicko; it's not nearly that! +Nicko--! [_She passes him, moving towards the door on the left as if +to intercept him, and then turns to him. A strip of ribbon lies upon +the spot where she has been standing. After gazing at it for a moment, +he stoops and picks it up._] Oh--! [_He folds the ribbon carefully and +puts it into his pocket._] Oh--! [_Hitching up her stocking through +her robe, piteously._] Ha, ha! + +JEYES. + +Ha, ha, ha----! + + [_They face one another, laughing, and then she sits upon the + fauteuil-stool and drops her head upon the table and he fetches his + hat and cane from the box-ottoman._ + +LILY. + +[_Weeping._] Nicko-- Nicko----! + +JEYES. + +[_Coming to her._] Oh, this isn't good-bye, Lil, not by any manner o' +means, my dear. We'll kill the fatted calf several times before I +start-- you, I, and the boy. Besides, by-and-by, you and he must take +a trip and come out to see me. "Seringa Vale" is the farm where I +shall be quartered, Bob tells me. [_Looking into space._] Jermyn +Street to Seringa Vale! [_Shaking himself._] Ph'h, there are no great +distances in these days! [_To FARNCOMBE, with a change of tone._] +Farncombe-- [_FARNCOMBE comes forward._] You dine with me to-night, +recollect; it's an engagement. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Yes. + +JEYES. + +Eight o'clock. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Eight o'clock. + +JEYES. + +Catani's. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Catani's. + + [_Without looking at LILY again, JEYES goes to the door and opens it. + FARNCOMBE follows him and the two men halt in the doorway._ + +JEYES. + +[_To FARNCOMBE, with a motion of his head towards LILY._] And +afterwards-- _you_ fetch her from the theatre and take her home. +That's _your_ job. + +LILY. + +[_Rising._] Oh----! + + [_FARNCOMBE goes out on to the landing with JEYES and parts from him + at the top of the stairs. Then FARNCOMBE slowly returns, closes the + door, and finds LILY sitting upon the settee in a woeful attitude._ + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Coming to LILY and standing before her, thoughtfully._] Lily---- + +LILY. + +[_Feebly._] Eh-- eh----? + +FARNCOMBE. + +I'm afraid there's one thing finer than winning the woman you love +and, when you've won her, being prepared to go through fire and water +for her. + +LILY. + +What's that? + +FARNCOMBE. + +Having the courage to give her up, as Jeyes has done. + +LILY. + +[_With a renewed outburst._] Oh, Nicko! Poor Nicko! Poor Nicko! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Sitting beside her and taking her hand consolingly._] By George, +he's a brick, isn't he! + +LILY. + +[_After a pause, drying her eyes._] Eddie---- + +FARNCOMBE. + +Yes? + +LILY. + +If-- if ever we marry---- + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_His jaw falling._] _If----!_ + +LILY. + +W-w-when, then. When we marry, you'll be obliged to resign your +commission in the Guards, won't you? + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Snapping his fingers._] P'sh! I shan't care a rap about that. + +LILY. + +[_Snatching her hand away._] The snobs! The snobs! They'd let you +marry any bit of trash in your own set; but a Pandora girl, though +she's as pure as the Queen of England----! Oh, the contemptible snobs! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Regaining possession of her hand._] H'sh! H'sh! It-- it's the +practice---- + +LILY. + +Blow the practice! A cheerful reflection for _me_, it'll be. The +arrant snobs! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Stroking her hand._] Ah! Ah! + +LILY. + +And then-- poor mother! You-- you won't be very proud of poor mother. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Your mother? [_Boyishly._] Oh, she-- she's an awfully good sort. + +LILY. + +She hasn't an H. to her name. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Inadvertently._] She _oughtn't_ to have. + +LILY. + +[_Withdrawing her hand again, sharply._] She calls herself _H_upjohn, +you mean! + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Distressed._] No, no, no. [_In a difficulty._] Er-- at any rate, h's +don't lead you to heaven, do they? + +LILY. + +[_Gloomily._] You're right; mother's lead _her_ to _'eaven_. [_Rising +and walking away._] Well, you'd better go now. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Rising._] And to-night----? + +LILY. + +No; I'll come home alone. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Lily----! + +LILY. + +[_Imperatively._] Please----! + +FARNCOMBE. + +When----? + +LILY. + +[_Moving to the door on the left._] Not for two or three days. Give me +time to shake down over this. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Taking up his hat and cane which he has left upon the centre +table._] Sunday? + +LILY. + +[_Fretfully._] No. + +FARNCOMBE. + +Monday? + +LILY. + +[_Opening the door._] No. + +FARNCOMBE. + +[_Joining her at the door._] Tuesday? + +LILY. + +[_Appealingly._] I-- I'll write. [_Again he takes her hand, she +keeping him at a distance. He attempts to lessen the distance, but she +checks him, shaking her head._] Not just yet, Eddie. [_He smiles at +her tenderly and, with a bow, departs. From the doorway, she watches +him disappear; then she shuts the door and wanders listlessly to the +door of the bedroom. Her hand lingers upon the knob for a moment, and +then she opens the door a little way and calls._] Mother! Mother----! + + [_She leaves the door and is returning to the settee when MRS. UPJOHN + enters._ + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_All agog._] Yes, Lil? [_LILY seats herself upon the settee without +speaking._] Yes, dearie; yes? [_Advancing to the centre table._] 'Ave +they given you your choice? + +LILY. + +[_Dully._] No; they've given me no choice. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Advancing further._] Wot----? + +LILY. + +Nicko's going out to South Africa, mother. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +South Africa! + +LILY. + +Well, to Rhodesia. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Then you're free, Lil! + +LILY. + +No, I'm not. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Not! + +LILY. + +Nicko-- Nicko's handed me over, mother. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +'Anded you over! + +LILY. + +To-- to Lord Farncombe. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Gasping._] An' you an' the young gentleman----! + +LILY. + +I-- I suppose so. + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Oh--! [_Sinking into the arm chair by the centre table._] Oh, the dear +Captain! + +LILY. + +[_Transferring herself from the settee to MRS. UPJOHN'S lap._] Oh! Oh! +Oh! [_Putting her arms round MRS. UPJOHN'S neck._] Oh, poor Nicko! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +[_Soothingly._] 'E'll 'ave 'is reward, Lil; 'e'll 'ave 'is reward +'ereafter. + +LILY. + +And poor Carlton Smythe! Oh, poor Carlton! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +Poor Carlton----? + +LILY. + +He's losing every one of his best girls, mother. Gwennie Harker-- +Maidie Trevail-- Eva Shafto-- and now _me_! Oh, poor Carlton! + +MRS. UPJOHN. + +'Ush, dearie; 'ush! Don't consider _'im_! [_Rocking LILY to and fro +like a baby._] Think-- think wot a lot o' good you're all doin' to the +aristocracy! + + [_The door on the left opens and JIMMIE and ROPER look in gleefully + and then tiptoe towards LILY and MRS. UPJOHN._ + + + THE END. + + + + +_All applications respecting amateur performances of this play must +be made to Sir Arthur Pinero's agents, Samuel French, Limited, +Southampton St., London, W.C._ + + + + + Printed By + Ballantyne & Company Ltd + At The Ballantyne Press + Tavistock Street Covent Garden + London + + + * * * * * + * * * * + * * * * * + + +ERRATA (noted by transcriber) + +First Act: + I prophesy that Mr. Morgan's picture + _text has comma for period_ + N-n-o, thank you, Captain, and I-- I'm afraid---- + _text has "I I-I'm afraid----": changed to match all others_ + +Second Act: + STIDULPH has seated himself wearily in the armchair + _text unchanged: everywhere else hyphenated "arm-chair"_ + It _is_ a pleasure, meeting all you girls to-night. + _hyphen invisible_ + Karl---- + _text has no visible punctuation after "Karl"_ + +Third Act: + [_Gazing at DAPHNE stupidly ..._ + _"at" printed in Roman (non-italic) type_ + Say you'll take time to consider. + _final period missing or invisible_ + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The 'Mind the Paint' Girl, by Arthur Pinero + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE 'MIND THE PAINT' GIRL *** + +***** This file should be named 21849-8.txt or 21849-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/1/8/4/21849/ + +Produced by Louise Hope, Branko Collin and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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