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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104,
+February 25, 1893, by Various, Edited by Francis Burnand
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, February 25, 1893
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: September 1, 2007  [eBook #22486]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 104, FEBRUARY 25, 1893***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 22486-h.htm or 22486-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/4/8/22486/22486-h/22486-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/4/8/22486/22486-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 104.
+
+FEBRUARY 25, 1893.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+MIXED NOTIONS.
+
+No. V.--AGRICULTURAL DEPRESSION.
+
+(_Scene and Persons as usual._)
+
+_First Well-informed Man._ There hasn't been much in this debate on the
+Addresses.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Oh. I don't know. They've promised a pretty big list of
+measures. How they're going to find time for the lot I can't make out.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_contemptuously_). Yes, that's always the way with these
+Governments. They all talk mighty big at the beginning of the Session, and
+then, at the end, they've done nothing, absolutely nothing; at least,
+nothing that's any good to anybody. Parliament's getting to be nothing but
+a bear-garden. The House won't be a fit place for a gentleman to be seen in
+soon.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_spitefully_). You didn't seem to think it would be such
+a bad place for one gentleman, about eight months ago. You were after a
+constituency yourself, weren't you?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Well, and what if I was? I told you at the time why I
+thought of standing. I thought I could do some good, but I precious soon
+found they were a miserable lot, so I made 'em my bow. "Gentlemen," I said,
+"you can worry it out among yourselves, and, when you've agreed, you can
+let me know."
+
+_Second W. I. M._ And they never did let you know, did they? Went and
+elected another Johnny. Deuced bad taste I call it.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_creating a diversion_). Look here, I say, what's all this talk
+about Agricultural Depression? What does it mean?
+
+_First W. I. M._ What does it mean! Why, my dear chap, I should have
+thought that any schoolboy knew that our agriculture is being simply
+ruined. If things go on like this, we shan't have a farmer left. They're
+all on the verge of bankruptcy.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_doggedly_). I daresay you're right; but, anyhow, I know, when
+I was at Chilborough, the other day, I saw a lot of farmers about, and they
+looked pretty fat and comfortable. That's why I can't make out what it all
+means.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_resignedly_). Well, I suppose I must explain it all,
+from the very beginning. The first point is, we've got Free Trade, and the
+farmers want Protection; and old GLADSTONE and all the rest of them say
+they're not to have it. Well, that isn't likely to put the farmers in a
+good temper, is it? Then, of course, the Americans, and the Russians, and
+the Indians see their chance, and they send ship-loads of food into this
+country, and the taxes have to be paid all the same by our farmers.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_interrupting_). What taxes?
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_flustered_). I wish you wouldn't break in just as I'm
+trying to make things clear. Why, the taxes on food, of course.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ There aren't any taxes on food.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Oh, indeed! Well, then, how do you explain Free Trade, and
+rent, and all that?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Now you're getting a bit nearer. It's all a question of
+rent. Free Trade's got absolutely nothing to do with it. What we want in
+this country is a Sliding-scale.
+
+_Inquirer._ What's a Sliding-scale?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_taken between wind and water_). A Sliding-scale? Let me
+see--it's very difficult to put these things shortly. A Sliding-scale is
+a----well, it's a sort of patent mechanical contrivance for weighing out
+things, so as to make it fairer than ordinary scales do. (_Plunges
+recklessly._) You can make it slide up or down, you know, and fix it at any
+point you like.
+
+_Inquirer._ Really! What a rum-looking thing it must be. Have you ever seen
+one?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Oh yes. They've got two or three in every big town.
+
+_Average Man._ When did you last see it?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_suspiciously_). Oh, I haven't seen one for some time.
+It _may_ perhaps be a _little_ different now.
+
+_Average Man._ Ah! [_A pause._
+
+_Inquirer._ I see the Government's going to have an inquiry about
+Agricultural Distress. How are they going to work it?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Royal Commission, of course.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ No, no. It's going to be a Select Committee.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Well, what is the difference?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Surely _you_ know that. They only have Royal Commissions
+for labour and that sort of thing. Committees don't get any pay, you know.
+
+_Inquirer._ Of course. I ought to have remembered that. But who's this Lord
+WINCHILSEA AND NOTTINGHAM, who's cutting about the country, talking about
+agriculture! What does he know about it? I don't seem to recollect his
+name.
+
+_First W. I. M._ He's a Peer.
+
+_Inquirer._ Yes, I know that; but why do they call him Lord WINCHILSEA
+_and_ NOTTINGHAM?
+
+_Average Man._ Because that's his name. [_A pause._
+
+_Inquirer_ (_resuming_). But what is he driving at?
+
+_First W. I. M._ He's got hold of the right end of the stick. It's just
+this way. (_To_ Inquirer, _who winces under the imputation_.) You're a
+foreign country, and I'm a British farmer. Well, you grow your corn for
+nothing, and then you chuck it into my markets. Well, what I want to know
+is, where do I come in? You may call that Free Trade, if you like--I call
+it ruin. The result is, I'm smashed up, and the whole country goes to the
+devil!
+
+_Second W. I. M._ But you ought to consider the consumer.
+
+_First W. I. M._ What do you mean by the consumer?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Why, myself, for instance. I get the benefit of it.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Ah, you may _think_ you do, but you don't really. In the
+end you've all to pay more for everything.
+
+_Average Man._ Well, I'm pretty happy as things are.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Oh, of course--and you'd let the land go out of
+cultivation. That's mere selfishness.
+
+_Inquirer._ How's that? Can't they work the land now?
+
+_First W. I. M._ What a question! Of course they can't.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_anxiously_). But I've seen 'em ploughing a bit lately.
+
+_First W. I. M._ My dear Sir, they do it just to occupy time--they must do
+something.
+
+_Inquirer._ Of course--of course. [_Terminus._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RESOURCES OF CIVILISATION.
+
+_M.P._ (_apostrophising ruined hat_). "VERY WELL, THEN, NEXT TIME THERE'S
+GOING TO BE A RUSH, I'LL BRING A JAPANNED TIN HAT CHARGED WITH
+ELECTRICITY--THEN LET HIM SIT ON IT!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our amiable old friend, Mrs. R., came across a book entitled _Playthings
+and Parodies_, by BARRY PAIN. "Oh, I _must_ buy _that_!" she exclaimed.
+"I've seen him so often in the Pantomime at Drury Lane! And fancy his being
+an Author, too! But I don't so much wonder at it, because I remember that,
+when I was a little girl, there was a celebrated Shakspearian Clown at
+Astley's called BARRY, and he sailed in a tub drawn by geese down the
+Thames, and there was a wonderful Pantomime actor of the name of PAIN. And
+now this talented gentleman turns out to be an Author as well!!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RETURN OF "GRANDOLPH" THE WANDERER! "BE IT EVER SO HUMBLE,
+THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE EVIDENCE OF WEALTH.
+
+"AND WHO LIVES IN THE BIG HOUSE OPPOSITE?"
+
+"MR. FLINDERS, SIR,--AND MRS. FLINDERS,--THE OLD VETERINARY SURGEON AND HIS
+WIFE."
+
+"THEY MUST BE PRETTY WELL OFF, I SHOULD THINK, TO LIVE IN A HOUSE LIKE
+THAT?"
+
+"OH YES, SIR, VERY RICH INDEED. WHY, THEY 'AD A GOLDEN WEDDING THERE, THE
+WEEK BEFORE LAST!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FINALITY.
+
+     ["He was one of those who believed that, even in the ordinary
+     legislation of the House, and still more in a measure of such
+     complexity, it was the utmost folly to talk of finality!"--_Mr. J.
+     Redmond the Home-Rule Bill._]
+
+  Are our sage legislators, then, set upon finding
+  A measure that's "final, conclusive, and binding,"
+  As lawyer-phrase puts it? They might as well try
+  To fix dawn in the East, or nail clouds to the sky!
+  There's nothing that's "final" in infinite time,
+  That great, goalless, measureless race-course sublime?
+  In which relays of runners must keep up the race?
+  There's nothing "conclusive" in limitless space;
+  And "binding" man's soul to his best of to-day
+  For the future of growth, in an absolute way,
+  Were folly as futile as binding an oak
+  To the seedling's first prop, or the sapling's first yoke;
+  For provisional law, not for secular life,
+  Such phrases are fit. Yet to heal age-long strife
+  By the very best "betterment" now in our ken,
+  Till--a better shines forth's the first duty of men.
+  Do right to the height of our sight's actuality!--
+  Yes, that is our best--and our only--Finality!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An odd Advertisement frequently catches our eye. It is "_Dr. Gordon
+Stables's Health Series_." Have the Gordon Stables anything to do with "the
+Gordon Hotels"? If not, why not? as evidently they could work together to
+their mutual benefit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_A History of Medicine_, by Dr. EDWARD BERDOE, is announced as shortly to
+appear. It will be illustrated by a Black (-and-White) draughtsman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DESIGNS FOR MI-CARÊME.
+
+(_To be worn as Costumes at the next International Fancy-Dress Ball._)
+
+_The Emperor W-ll-m._--PAUL PRY on Tour.
+
+_The Czar of R-ss-a._--Protection.
+
+_The Sultan of T-rk-y._--Wrecked in Port.
+
+_The Khedive of Eg-y-t._--Young Hopeful.
+
+_The President C-rn-t._--A Dissolving View.
+
+_Prince von B-sm-rck._--The Shadow of the Past.
+
+_Count C-pr-vi._--The Substance of the Future.
+
+_Vicomte de L-ss-ps._--A Lock on the Suez Canal.
+
+_The Pr-m-r._--A Scotch Mixture of HOMER and Home Rule.
+
+_Sir W-ll-m H-rc-t._--The latest of the Plantagenets.
+
+_Mr. J-hn M-rl-y._--"To Dublin from _Pall Mall_."
+
+_Lord R-nd-lph Ch-rch-ll._--The Prodigal Returned.
+
+_Mr. Speaker P-l._--The chucker in.
+
+_Mr. L-b-ch-re._--The Spirit of Te--ruth.
+
+_The Marquis of S-l-sb-ry._--The Irish Emigrant.
+
+_Mr. Arth-r B-lf-r._--Golf surviving Government.
+
+_Mr. H-nry Irv-ng._--A Canterbury Pilgrim.
+
+_Miss Ell-n T-rry._--A NUN, with none like her.
+
+_Mr. J. L. T-le._--A Walker, Running, London and the Provinces.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"I'M MANXIOUS TO KNOW."--The Isle of Man, it appears from Mr. SPENCER
+WALPOLE'S book, has thriven on Home Rule. We all know that Club Land gets
+on very well, Club-law being administered by men only, seeing that men only
+are the governing and governed. But "Home" is the antithesis of the Club,
+and Home Rule, domestically, means Female sovereignty. In the Isle of
+Man-_sans_-Woman there can be no Home Rule properly so called. It must be
+"_Homo Rule_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HOME, SWEET HOME!"
+
+(_Latest Parliamentary Version._)
+
+_Returned Wanderer sings_:--
+
+  'Mid gold-fields and lion-haunts though we may roam,
+  Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home;
+  A charm from the past seems to hallow us there,
+  Which, trot round the globe, you will not meet elsewhere.
+          Home! Home!
+          Sweet, sweet home!
+  Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home!
+
+  An exile from home freedom dazzles in vain;
+  Ah! give me my lowly front-bench seat again.
+  The cheers, sounding sweetly, that come at my call,
+  Give me these, and old pals of mine, dearer than all.
+          Home! Ho-ome!
+          Sweet, sweet home!
+  Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home!
+
+  (_Extra or encore verses on his own account._)
+
+  The first seat was mine, but I forfeited _that_;
+  Will they welcome the waif, kill the calf that is fat?
+  Will dear ARTHUR rejoice to receive his lost chief?
+  Will the Wanderer's return bring regret, or relief?
+          Home! Ho-ome!
+          Sweet, sweet home!
+  Be it ever so humble (_winks_) there's no place like home!
+
+  So _humble_! Oh yes! So seemed David, no doubt,
+  Till he struck at GOLIATH and put him to rout.
+  My giant--his name, too, begins with a G--
+  Braves the whole of our hosts. I--no matter--_we_'ll see.
+          Home! Ho-ome!
+          Sweet, sweet home!
+  Be it ever so humble (_grins_), there's no place like home!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TREATS FOR TOMMY.--"What shall I do to amuse our little boy, aged fourteen,
+when he returns home for Easter Vacation?" Why, certainly improve his mind.
+Procure for him a free admission to the Geological Society, and let him
+hear a paper on "Anthracite and Bituminous Coal-beds," likewise on
+"Inclusions of Tertiary Granite." Take him to the Linnean Society, and
+treat him to a lecture "On the Differentiation of the Protozoan Body
+Microscopically Sectionised." Another evening may be given to "Mosses and
+Sphagnums," not to be confounded with "Moses and Magnums." After this
+little course, he may write to say that during the next vacation he would
+prefer remaining at school.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"I can't drink Champagne," quoth General BOOZER; "it gives me a red nose."
+"No, it won't," replied his medical adviser; "that is, not if you drink
+Pommery and _Grey-nose_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAN FROM BLANKLEY'S.
+
+A STORY IN SCENES.
+
+     SCENE VIII.--_In the Drawing-room--Time, about 10._ Mrs. BODFISH _and_
+     Mrs. DITCHWATER _are talking in confidential undertones on a settee_.
+     Miss BUGLE'S _anxiety concerning her invalid Cockatoo has already
+     obliged her to depart_. Mrs. GILWATTLE _is lecturing her Niece on a
+     couch by the fire, while little_ GWENDOLEN _is in a corner with a
+     Picture-book_.
+
+_Mrs. Bodfish_ (_in a wheezy whisper_). If he had condescended to make
+himself agreeable all round, I shouldn't say a _word_; but to sit there
+talking to that little forward governess, and never an audible word from
+first to last--well, I quite felt for poor dear Mrs. TIDMARSH being so
+neglected at her own table.
+
+_Mrs. Ditch._ Ah, my dear, if she _will_ have the aristocracy to dine with
+her, she must put up with such treatment. I wouldn't stoop to such
+presumption myself. And, if I _did_, I _would_ have a couple of _entrées_,
+and everything carved _off_ the table! He'll go away with such a poor
+opinion of us all!
+
+_Mrs. Bod._ He must have noticed how the vegetable dishes were chipped! And
+I'm sure I was ashamed to see she had put out those old-fashioned doyleys
+with the finger-glasses. I wonder she never thought of getting some new
+ones. I saw some the other day in the Grove, hand-worked, at only
+five-pence three-farthings!
+
+_Mrs. Ditch._ I could see _something_ was weighing on her mind, or she'd
+have talked more to him. What is his title? It sounded like "STRATSPODDLE."
+I must look it out in my Peerage. Would he be an Earl now, or what?
+
+_Mrs. Bod._ I don't expect he's more than a Viscount, if so much. I do
+think she might have _presented_ us to him, though!
+
+_Mrs. Ditch._ It isn't the fashion to introduce, nowadays. But I consider
+we are quite entitled to speak to him, if we get an opportunity--in fact,
+he would think it very odd if we didn't! (_&c., &c._)
+
+_Mrs. Gilwattle._ Well, MARIA, I say, as I said before, don't let it _turn
+your head_, that's all! Depend upon it, this young nobleman isn't so
+affable for nothing. He wouldn't dine with you like this unless he expected
+to get _something_ out of it. What that something may be, you best know!
+
+_Mrs. Tid._ (_to herself_). A guinea, at the very least! (_Aloud._) I'm
+sorry you think my head's so easily turned, Aunt JOANNA! If you'd noticed
+how I behaved to him, you wouldn't say so. Why, I scarcely _spoke_ to the
+man!
+
+_Mrs. Gilw._ I was _watching_ you, MARIA. And sorry I was to see that being
+next to a member of the nobility overawed you to that extent you could
+hardly open your mouth. So unlike your Uncle GABRIEL!
+
+_Mrs. Tid._ (_hurt at this injustice_). Overawed, indeed! I'm sure it was
+no satisfaction to _me_ to see him here! No, Aunt the only people I welcome
+at _my_ table are those in my own rank of life--relations and old friends
+like you and the others. And how you can think I was dazzled by a trumpery
+title when I sent him in with the Governess----!
+
+_Mrs. Gil._ Ah, you make too much of that girl, MARIA. I've noticed it, and
+_others_ have noticed it. She takes too much upon herself! The _idea_ of
+letting her forbid GWENDOLEN to recite--no wonder your authority over the
+child is weakened! I should have _insisted_ on obedience.
+
+[Illustration: Mrs. Gilwattle rises slowly, bristling with indignation.]
+
+_Mrs. Tid._ (_roused_). I hope I know how to make my own child obey me.
+GWENDOLEN, come out of that corner. Put down your book. (GWEN. _obeys_.) I
+wish you to repeat something to your Auntie--what you refused to say
+downstairs--_you_ know what I mean!
+
+_Gwen._ Do you mean the thing Miss SEATON said I wasn't to, because you'd
+be angry?
+
+_Mrs. Tid._ (_majestically_). Miss SEATON had no business to know whether I
+should be angry or not. She is only your Governess--_I_ am your Mother. And
+I shall be extremely angry if you don't repeat it at once--in fact, I shall
+send you off to bed. So you can choose for yourself.
+
+_Gwen._ I don't want to go to bed ... I'll tell, if I may whisper it.
+
+_Mrs. Tid._ Well, if you are too shy to speak out loud, you _may_ whisper.
+You see, Aunt, I am not _quite_ such a cipher as you fancied!
+
+     [GWEN. _puts her mouth to_ Mrs. GILWATTLE'S _ear, and proceeds to
+     whisper_.
+
+
+     SCENE IX.--_Breakfast-room--Time, the same as in the foregoing Scene._
+     Mr. TIDMARSH, _after proposing to "join the ladies," much to the
+     relief of_ Lord STRATHSPORRAN, _has brought him in here on the
+     transparent pretext of showing him a picture_.
+
+_Mr. Tid._ (_carefully closing the door_). I only just wanted to tell you
+that I don't at all like the way you've been going on. It's not my wish to
+make complaints, but there _is_ a limit!
+
+_Lord Strath._ (_hotly_). There _is_--you're very near it now, Sir! (_To
+himself._) If I quarrel with this little beggar, I shan't see MARJORY!
+(_Controlling his temper._) Perhaps you'll kindly let me know what you
+complain of?
+
+_Mr. Tid._ Well, why couldn't you say you didn't smoke when my Uncle
+offered you one of his cigars? You must have felt me kick you under the
+table!
+
+_Lord. Strath._ I did--distinctly. But I gave you credit for its being
+accidental. And, if you wish to know, I said I smoked because I do. I don't
+see why you should expect me to _lie_ about it!
+
+_Mr. Tid._ I don't agree with you. I consider you ought to have had more
+tact, after the hint I gave you.
+
+_Lord Strath._ It didn't occur to me that you were trying to kick _tact_
+into me. And, naturally, when I saw your Uncle about to smoke----
+
+_Mr. Tid._ That was different, as you might have known. Why, _one_ cigar is
+as much as my wife can stand!
+
+_Lord Strath._ You--er--wouldn't wish her to smoke _more_ than one, surely?
+
+_Mr. Tid._ (_outraged_). My wife smoke! Never did such a thing in her life!
+She don't allow _me_ to smoke. She wouldn't allow Mr. GILWATTLE if he
+wasn't her Uncle. And I can tell you, when she comes down in the morning,
+and finds the curtains smelling of smoke, and hears you were the _other_, I
+shall catch it!
+
+_Lord Strath._ Sorry for you--but if you had only made your kick a trifle
+more explanatory----
+
+_Mr. Tid._ That's not _all_, Sir. When you saw me and my Uncle engaged in
+talking business, what did you cut in for with a cock-and-bull story about
+the Boxing Kangaroo being formed into a Limited Company, and say the
+Kangaroo was going to join the Board after allotment? You couldn't really
+believe the beast was eligible as a Director--an _animal_, Sir!
+
+_Lord Strath._ Why not? They have _guinea-pigs_ on the Board occasionally,
+don't they? But of course it was only a joke.
+
+_Mr. Tid._ You weren't _asked_ to make jokes. My Uncle doesn't understand
+'em--no more do I, Sir!
+
+_Lord Strath._ No, I gathered that. (_Breaking out._) Confound it all, Sir,
+what do you mean by this? If you didn't want me, why couldn't you tell me
+so? You knew it before _I_ did! I don't understand your peculiar ideas of
+hospitality. I've kept my temper as long as I could; but, dash it all, if
+you force me to speak out, I will!
+
+_Mr. Tid._ (_alarmed_). No, no, I--I meant no offence--you won't go and let
+everything out now! It was a mistake, that's all--and there's no harm done.
+You got your _dinner_ all right, didn't you? By the way, talking of that,
+can you give me any idea what they'll charge me for this, eh? What's the
+_regular_ thing now?
+
+_Lord Strath._ (_to himself_). Extraordinary little bounder--wants me to
+price his dinner for him! (_Aloud._) Couldn't give a guess!
+
+_Mr. Tid._ Well, considering I sent round and all that, I think they ought
+to make _some_ reduction--y'know. But _you_'ve nothing to do with that, eh?
+I'm to settle up with BLANKLEY'S?
+
+_Lord Strath._ I should say he would prefer your doing so--but it's really
+no business of mine, and--er--it's getting rather late----
+
+_Mr. Tid._ (_opening the door_). There, we'll go up. And look here, _do_
+try and be a bit stiffer with my Uncle. It's too bad the way he goes on
+my-lording you, y'know. You shouldn't encourage him!
+
+_Lord Strath._ I wasn't aware I _did_. (_To himself._) Trying, this. But
+never mind, I shall see MARJORY in another minute!
+
+_Mr. Tid._ (_to himself_). The _airs_ these chaps give themselves! Oh, lor,
+there's Uncle GABRIEL hooking on to him _again_. If he only knew! [_He
+follows them upstairs uneasily._
+
+
+     SCENE X.--_In the Drawing-room_; GWENDOLEN _is still whispering in_
+     Mrs. GILWATTLE'S _ear_.
+
+_Mrs. Gilw._ Eh? You're tickling my ear, child--don't come so close.
+Louder. Yes, go on. "Sat next to him at dinner?" _Well_, what _about_
+him?... _What?_... What's the child talking about now?... "A gentleman out
+of BLANKLEY'S shop"!! "Hired for the evening"!!! Let her alone, MARIA, _I_
+know who's telling the truth! So _this_ is your precious Nobleman, is it?
+Oh, the _deceit_ of it all!
+
+     [_The door opens, and_ Uncle GABRIEL _enters, clinging affectionately
+     to_ Lord STRATHSPORRAN'S _arm_.
+
+_Uncle Gab._ And when I take a fancy to a young fellow, my Lord, I don't
+allow any social prejudices to stand in the way. I should say just the same
+if you were a mere nobody. We ought to see _more_ of one another. I should
+esteem it a distinguished favour if you'd honour me and my wife by dropping
+in to a little dinner some evening; no ceremony; just a few quiet pleasant
+people like ourselves. We'll see if we can't fix a day with my wife.
+
+     [_He steers him across to_ Mrs. GILWATTLE.
+
+_Lord Strath._ (_to himself_). Now, how the deuce am I going to get out of
+_this_? And what have they done with MARJORY?
+
+_Uncle Gab._ JOANNA, my love, I've been telling his Lordship here how
+delighted and honoured we should be to see him at dinner some----
+
+     [Mrs. GILWATTLE _rises slowly, bristling with indignation, and glares
+     speechlessly at the unconscious_ Lord STRATHSPORRAN, _while_ Mrs.
+     TIDMARSH _vainly attempts to appease her, as her husband and the other
+     men enter. Tableau._
+
+_End of Scene X._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"At the Window."
+
+  In dull days of sensational horrors, and wild would-be humorous hums,
+  What delight to fly darkness, and watch the "Auld Licht," from "_A Window
+            in Thrums_"!
+  Let pessimists potter and pule, and let savages slaughter and harry;
+  Give me _Hendry_, and _Tammas_, and _Jess_, and a smile, and a tear born
+            of BARRIE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"The French," says Mrs. R., "have been shown up in a very queer light by
+all these Panama candles."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HOUSE THAT BILL (SYKES) BURGLED.
+
+(Namely, that of Messrs. WALTER CROSS & CO., Jewellers, 8, Holywell Street,
+Strand, as narrated in the _Times_ of the 16th inst.)
+
+This is the House that BILL burgled.
+
+This is the window, plastered with brown-paper and treacle, and then
+broken, belonging to the House that BILL burgled.
+
+This is the rope-ladder, attached to the window, plastered with brown-paper
+and treacle, &c.
+
+This is the show-case, reached by way of the rope-ladder attached to the
+window, plastered with brown-paper and treacle, &c.
+
+This is the "burglar-alarm," lately connected with the show-case, reached
+by way of the rope-ladder, attached to the window, &c.
+
+This is the bell that belonged to the "burglar-alarm," lately connected
+with the show-case, &c.
+
+This is the wire that rang the bell, that belonged to the "burglar-alarm,"
+lately connected with the show-case, &c.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+This is the telephone that communicated with Bloomsbury, set in motion by
+the bell, rung by the wire, &c.
+
+This is the dog who barked at the bell, agitated by the telephone that
+communicated with Bloomsbury, &c.
+
+This is the man unshaven, unshorn, aroused from his sleep in the early morn
+by the dog who barked at the bell, &c.
+
+These are the "Bobbies," all forlorn, called on by the man unshaven,
+unshorn, aroused from his sleep in the early morn, by the dog who barked at
+the bell, &c.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+And this is the burglar, smiling in scorn, who escaped by the rope-ladder,
+window-sill-borne, and evaded the Bobbies all forlorn, called on by the
+man, unshaven, unshorn, aroused from his sleep in the early morn, by the
+dog who barked at the bell, agitated by the telephone, set in motion by the
+wire, attached to the burglar-alarm, connected with the show-case, reached
+by way of the rope-ladder, hooked to the window, plastered with brown-paper
+and treacle, belonging to the House that BILL burgled.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTIONS FOR RIDE PARK.
+
+"Many improvements," the _Daily News_ writes, "in the arrangement of the
+Parks in the West End" have been made. Have they? Perhaps visible to the
+eye assisted by _Mr. Weller's_ "pair o' patent double million magnifyin'
+gas microscopes of hextra power." But why, for the hundredth time we ask,
+and every equestrian asks as well, why aren't rides made across Kensington
+Gardens from Princes' Gate to Bayswater? Beautiful rides they would be
+under the trees, and thus varying the wearisome monotony of the round and
+round squirrel-in-a-cage sort of routine exercise, to which the Rotten-Row
+Riders are purgatorially bound. Also, why not a ride right across Hyde Park
+from the Achilles Statue to an exit facing about Albion Street, Bayswater?
+What difficulties can there be which a First Commissioner of Works
+representing an actively Liberal and Progressive policy could not carry out
+for the benefit of the Mounted Liver Brigade and the Light Cavalry?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Old Father Thames is still rather dirty. We often hear of "The Thames
+Basin." Why doesn't Father Thames use it,--with soap? What a chance here
+for a P**rs' advertisement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FROM THE EMERALD ISLE.
+
+"JUST MAKE IT A COUPLE OF SHILLINGS, CAPTAIN DEAR!"--"NO!" "EIGHTEENPENCE
+THEN, MAJOR!"--"NO!"
+
+"OCH THIN, COLONEL DARLING, JUST THREPPENCE FOR A GLASS O'
+WHISKEY!"--"_NO_, I TELL YOU!"
+
+"GIT OUT WID YE THIN, YE BOA CONSHTHRUCTOR, SURE AN' I KNOW'D YE ALL THE
+TOIME!"
+
+     [_N.B._--_The Fare is the Head of an eminent Firm of Furriers in
+     Kilconan Street, and cultivates a martial appearance._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BIG LION AMONG THE LITTLE 'UNS.
+
+"Daniel in the Lions' Den" will occur to many on reading how HENRY IRVING
+ventured into and actually dined as the distinguished guest of a society
+styling itself "The Playgoers' Club." But after all, whether these were
+real leonine cubs, or only "lions stuffed with straw," the Real Lion of the
+evening was the Daniel come to Judgment, HENRY IRVING, who, having partaken
+of the "chicken and champagne," and acknowledged the goodness thereof, gave
+them the less smooth side of his own tongue with charming frankness.
+
+"I do not hesitate to tell you," purred the Lion, sweetly, "that there have
+been times when the genius of frankness which possesses the Club"--he did
+not allude to the existence among them of any other sort of genius--"has
+not appeared to be allied with the finest discrimination. (_Laughter._)"
+
+Yes--the poor little Lions laughed--it was all they could do, unless they
+had whimpered, and promised not to offend again. It must have been a
+delightful evening. To what other banquets will our leading Histrion be
+invited? To the Pittites' Club Dinner? To the Wreckers' Banquet? Will he be
+entertained by the Dissentient Gallery-Boys' Club, and finish up with a
+supper strictly confined to the upper Circles' Society? Instead of "Give
+your orders, Gents--the Waiter's in the room!" of old days, the Chairman
+will probably advise the enterprising Playgoers to "Ask for 'orders,'
+Gents--the Manager's in the room." However, if these heaven-born dramatic
+critics occasionally hear a few words of good advice from so honest a guest
+as HENRY IRVING, such gatherings may perhaps serve some useful purpose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Gladstone's Aside on the Irish Members.
+
+  You are, in faith, like women--divil doubt you!--
+  For "there's no living with you, or without you."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VERY BAD DRAINAGE.--Because the London School Board built schools with
+defective drainage, the London Ratepayers are to be mulcted in £250,000. A
+nice drain this on our pockets!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE POLITE SPEAKER.
+
+(_Intended for the use of courteous Members of Parliament._)
+
+_Question._ I trust you quite acknowledge that strong language is
+absolutely unnecessary in Westminster?
+
+_Answer._ Quite, especially when a compensating description can be found
+for every suitable term of abuse.
+
+_Q._ You grasp the idea. How would you describe NERO fiddling during the
+burning of Rome?
+
+_A._ I should say that he was a musician with a turn for pleasing
+variations.
+
+_Q._ Very good. And how would you speak of GUY FAUX on the eve of blowing
+up the House of Commons?
+
+_A._ An experimentalist who would have been a useful lecturer upon
+chemistry at the Royal Institution.
+
+_Q._ And could you refer to _Blue Beard_ after the discovery of the cause
+of his last widowerhood without giving offence?
+
+_A._ Yes; as a married man who objected on principle to the Mormon practice
+of being wedded to more than one wife at a time.
+
+_Q._ Yes. And what would you say of MARIE DE MEDICIS, who is reported to
+have fired at the Huguenots from the Louvre?
+
+_A._ I should say that her late Majesty took such an interest in field
+sports, as nowadays would have secured her election to the Gun Club.
+
+_Q._ And, lastly, were you asked to describe HENRY THE EIGHTH after he had
+slaughtered most of his wives, plundered all the monasteries, and
+imprisoned or executed many of his subjects, what would you call him?
+
+_A._ Without hesitation I should refer to him as "an excited politician."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CONTINUOUS-SOUNDING MACHINES."--Lots of 'em on view in the House of
+Commons. But, for the genuine article, consult a "Colomb" of the _Times_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"I love those cradle-songs," said Mrs. R. "The other day I heard--I forget
+who it was--sing a most charming _alibi_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LULLABY.
+
+  NURSE G. (_sings_). "'O HUSH THEE, MY BABY,
+  TAKE REST WHILE YOU MAY'"----
+
+  (_To himself._) "AND NOW I MUST GO AND LOOK AFTER THE OTHERS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+TO SERAPHINE.
+
+  Through happy years, that number now I ween
+  A dozen, or--to be correct--thirteen,
+  My comfortable better-half you've been,
+          O SERAPHINE!
+
+  The ups and downs of life we two have seen--
+  From Camberwell, of stucco-fronted mien,
+  To quaintly-decorated Turnham Green,
+          O SERAPHINE!
+
+  Till Grandma's money came with golden sheen,
+  You lent a hand at SARAH'S weekly clean,
+  And did not tilt your nose at margarine,
+          O SERAPHINE!
+
+  And now that I've been made a Rural Dean,
+  Your figure is no longer slim, my Queen;
+  You'd scarcely make a graceful _ballerine_,
+          O SERAPHINE!
+
+  But after dinner as you doze each e'en,
+  From your disjointed mutterings I glean
+  Your mind is running on a crinoline,
+          O SERAPHINE!
+
+  Oh, let me not appear to speak with spleen--
+  Yet pause!--nor go to Madame ANTONINE
+  To get yourself a--_you know what I mean_,
+          O SERAPHINE!
+
+  For if that huge and hideous machine
+  Should thrust its bilious bulginess between
+  A blameless couple, such as we have been,
+          My SERAPHINE,
+
+  I will not condescend to make a "scene,"
+  But--if you needs _must_ have your crinoline--
+  Good-bye!--you cannot have your Rural Dean,
+          O SERAPHINE!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DER COPHETUALISCHEHOCHZEITVEREIN.
+
+     ["In Vienna a Club has been formed among young men of fashion for the
+     encouragement of marriage with poor girls."--_James Payn, in
+     "Illustrated News."_]
+
+  O youth of Wien, what does this mean?
+    Can you forget you are
+  All _hochgeboren_ as of yore
+    Was King COPHETUA?
+
+  To wed a lot of girls _sans dot_
+    Is strange, and yet you are
+  No more afraid of beggar maid
+    Than King COPHETUA.
+
+  But if you break the vow you take,
+    And dowries get, you are
+  A thousand pound to forfeit bound,
+    Which beats COPHETUA.
+
+  So you by stealth can't marry wealth,
+    Not if in debt you are;
+  But, as we see, resemble the
+    Late King COPHETUA.
+
+  O men elsewhere, Mammas declare
+    How hard to net you are!
+  You can't be led poor girls to wed
+    Like King COPHETUA.
+
+  Consider, then, these noble men,
+    And you'll regret you are
+  Unmarried still, and quickly will
+    Do like COPHETUA!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUT A STOP TO IT!--A Correspondent, signing himself "O'NOODLE," asks, "What
+does this mean? See Cook's _Guide-Book to Paris_, page 23:--'Visitors
+should take the precautions against pickpockets recommended by the
+Administration.'" A comma or a dash after "precautions," and another after
+"pickpockets," or put pickpockets into brackets--handcuff 'em, in fact--and
+then O'NOODLE will get at the sense of the paragraph.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DOLE-FUL PROSPECT.
+
+_Easter._--Wonder what the effect of the BISHOP'S appeal to the "loyal
+laity," to come down heavily with Easter Offerings to the Clergy, will be?
+Rather an exciting day for me. Hard-up is not the word for my condition at
+present. Can't keep myself, and have to keep a Gardener and a Curate!
+
+A lot of cast-off clothes arrive from "A SYMPATHETIC PARISHIONER!" How
+degrading! Wish BISHOP OF WORCESTER hadn't said that he knew a Clergyman
+who stayed in bed because he had no decent clothes to wear. Congregation
+seem to think he meant _me_! Two blankets, and a rig-out of "Cellular
+under-clothing," from "CHURCH DEFENCE," addressed to "Our Beloved but
+Impoverished Incumbent." Quite insulting! Give blankets to Gardener, and
+send the Cellular things to Curate, as his tendencies are distinctly
+monastic.
+
+Letter from a Newmarket Bookmaker! Says he hears I'm in want of Easter
+Offerings, so he offers to "put me on to a good thing for the Derby." I am,
+apparently, to forward him a £5 note, and he returns me £50 "without fail."
+Tempting, but haven't got a £5 note to send.
+
+Arrival at my quiet Vicarage of a donkey, a cow, two pigs, and a dozen
+barndoor fowls! Perhaps, in honour of the pigs, I might call this a "sow
+Easter!" The whole menagerie sent by neighbouring farmers. Wish they'd send
+me arrears of rent for glebe instead; yet I daren't ask for them. Evidently
+intended as Easter "gifts in kind;" but not the kind I want. Send donkey on
+to Curate, and tether cow in back-yard, not having a field. Pigs
+temporarily accommodated in back kitchen. Cook threatens to give notice.
+
+Church. Offertory goes to _me_ to-day! Don't half like it. Feel like a
+schoolboy expecting to be tipped. Curate rather glum. Finds he thinks my
+sending the donkey to him was meant to insult him. When I assure him it
+wasn't, he cheers up, and says he'll hold the plate. Does so. Seems very
+heavy. Curate distinctly winks at me, which is against the Rubrics, no
+doubt, but still seems to be an augury of happy tidings about the sum
+collected. On his way to Vestry, Curate whispers to me "Two-fifty!" What
+does he mean? Is it two fifty pounds, or shillings? It's neither--it's
+_pence_! Really, if this is all the "loyal laity" can do, I may as well
+disestablish myself.
+
+Best Easter Offering of all comes by post. Offer of position as
+Under-Cashier in a firm of eminent Bone-boilers. Write to accept offer with
+thanks. Better to boil bones for other people than to have all the flesh
+taken off my own.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW COINAGE.
+
+  Art will now adorn our purses,
+    Hitherto an artless place;
+  More than pictures, songs, or verses,
+    This should elevate the race.
+
+  Is it safe to be prophetic?
+    Will the miser, once abused,
+  Be considered quite aesthetic,
+    With the connoisseur confused?
+
+  Will the banker, grown artistic,
+    Talk a jargon new and strange?
+  Will this feeling, subtle, mystic,
+    Even reach the Stock Exchange?
+
+  Will it from the City banish
+    Dress that artists should eschew?
+  Will the hallowed "topper" vanish,
+    And the frock-coat fade from view?
+
+  Will the cabman now be willing,
+    After driving half a mile,
+  To accept a high-art shilling,
+    Not with oaths, but with a smile?
+
+  Will the porter at the station
+    While his thanks pause on his lip,
+  Gaze in silent admiration
+    At the beauty of his tip?
+
+  "Music hath," so CONGREVE stated,
+    "Charms to soothe the savage breast";
+  Numismatic art is fated
+    May be to be likewise blest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NAILED!
+
+(_Lord Dufferin and the Gallic Vermin._)
+
+     [At the Annual Dinner of the British Chamber of Commerce in Paris,
+     Lord DUFFERIN took occasion to refer trenchantly, but temperately, to
+     the long series of calumnies lately directed against him by certain
+     sections of the French Press.]
+
+  Yes, DUFFERIN, yes, the Reptile Press
+    Is not confined to realms Teutonic.
+  You squelch it--could you well do less?--
+    With an urbanity fine, ironic.
+  France is too chivalrous, too polite,
+    To back these crawlers, venomous, "varment"!--
+  But our Ambassador does quite right
+    To--brush them lightly from his garment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "Plucky" Answer.
+
+_Q._ Who was PROCRUSTES? What was the Bed of PROCRUSTES?
+
+_A._ He was an ancient philosopher who never would get up in the morning.
+Hence the word for a person who puts off or delays; viz., "One who
+Procrustinates."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WHITTINGTON RECORD BROKEN.--"Mr. HURST," _The Athenæum_ gossip informs
+us, "has been four times Mayor of Bedford." He ought to be perfect in the
+part, for certainly it has been well _re-hearsed_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, February 13._--House filled from floor to
+topmost range of gallery. Terrible rumour that it is also peopled
+underneath. Members sitting on two front benches evidently restless through
+opening passages of Mr. G.'s speech. Weird whispering heard, apparently
+rising from boots of FIRST LORD of the TREASURY. GRANDOLPH pricks up his
+ears; fancies he recognises voice familiar in Harley Street. First thought,
+whispered commentary must come from Ladies' Gallery. Right Hon. Gentlemen
+look up, and conclude it is too remote. Besides, Ladies _never_ talk in the
+Gallery.
+
+"Moreover than which," said FERGUSSON, staring stolidly at open network of
+iron floor, "it comes from quite different quarter."
+
+[Illustration: GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS TAKING THEIR SEATS,
+MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 1893.]
+
+Even Mr. G., absorbed as he was with great topic, evidently noticed the odd
+state of things, for towards end of magnificent speech he dropped his voice
+right down through the grating into the chamber below, so that Strangers in
+distant Gallery lost the purport of his words. Above-board--or rather above
+iron grating--House presented spectacle worthy of occasion. Last time
+anything like it seen was in April, 1886, when first Home-Rule Bill
+introduced. Singularly like it this afternoon, with chairs blocking the
+floor in fashion to which LORD-CHAMBERLAIN, looking down from Peers'
+Gallery, admitted he would not permit in any other theatre. Side-galleries
+filled; Members thronging Bar, sharing the steps of SPEAKER'S Chair,
+peeping round from behind its recess, sitting on the Gangway steps. The
+Lords' Gallery thronged, with somewhat disorderly fringe of Viscounts
+jostling each other on the steps. Not an inch of room to spare in the
+Diplomatic Gallery, whilst happy strangers rose tier beyond tier on the
+benches behind. Over the clock H.R.H., _debonnaire_ as usual, able to
+extract fullest pleasure and interest out of passing moment. By his side,
+his son and heir; not the one who sat there on the April night nine years
+ago, but the younger brother, with Cousin MAY facing him through the
+_grille_ of Ladies' Gallery. Many other gaps filled up on floor of House,
+the biggest those created by the flitting of BRIGHT and PARNELL.
+
+The figure at table answering to Speaker's call, the "FIRST LORD of the
+TREASURY" is the same, though different. Marvellously little different,
+considering all that has passed since '86, and remembering the weight of
+added years when they come on top of fourscore. Scantier the hair, paler
+the face and more furrowed; but the form still erect, the eye flashing, the
+right hand beating vigorously, as of yore, on the long-suffering box; the
+voice even better than it was for a certain period towards close of 1880
+Parliament; the mental vision as clear; the fancy as luxuriant; the logic
+as irresistible; the musical swing of the stately sentences as harmonious.
+For two hours and a quarter, unfaltering, unfailing, Mr. G. held the
+unrivalled audience entranced, and sat down amid a storm of cheering,
+looking almost as fresh as the posy in his button-hole.
+
+_Business done._--Mr. G. introduces Home-Rule Bill.
+
+_Tuesday._--COLONEL SAUNDERSON going about to-day just as if nothing had
+happened yesterday. _But something did._ Little misunderstanding arose in
+connection with appropriation of a Seat. The Colonel, of course, in the row
+at the door of the House, between eleven and noon. Two hundred Members
+waiting to get in as soon as doors opened. "Nothing like it seen in
+civilised world since the rush for Oklahoma," says Lord PLAYFAIR, who has
+been in the United States. "Then, you remember, the intending settlers,
+gathering from all parts, bivouacked on line marked by military, and on
+appointed day, at fixed hour, at sound of gun, made the dash into the
+Promised Land. Lack some of those particulars here. But the passion just
+the same; equally reckless; every man first, and the Sergeant-at-Arms take
+the hindmost."
+
+PLAYFAIR himself came down two hours later, intending to take his seat in
+Peers' Gallery, but, finding another mob at entrance, almost as turbulent,
+concluded he would not add to the tumult by wrestling with anybody for a
+place in the front rank. So, meeting a Bishop, who had come down with
+similar intent and abandoned endeavour from analogous reason, they went for
+a walk in the Park.
+
+SAUNDERSON not a man of that kind. Thoroughly enjoyed himself for exciting
+three-quarters of hour. Was in first flight of heated and dishevelled
+senators who crossed the Bar when door flung open, and elderly Messenger
+was simultaneously flattened at back of it. SAUNDERSON dropped on to first
+convenient seat; folded his arms; beginning to view the scene when, like
+the person in the pastoral poem, "he heard a voice which said,"--"You're
+sitting on my hat!"
+
+"Well," replied Colonel, genially recognising Irish Member of same
+Province, but another faith, "now you mention it, I thought I did hear
+something crunch." On examination, found remains of hat.
+
+"Come out of my seat!" said the other Ulster man.
+
+"Not at all," said the Colonel.
+
+"Then I'll take you!" said the Ulster man.
+
+"Do so," said the Colonel. Ulster man seized Colonel by collar and coat,
+and tugged violently. Rest of conversation was carried on with the Ulster
+man lying on his back, at full length, partly under his seat. "There was no
+hat here when I arrived," said the Colonel.
+
+[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S HISTORICAL CARTOONS. MR. G.'S ROOM IN THE HOUSE
+OF COMMONS.]
+
+"Then how did it get there?" said the Ulster man, under the seat.
+
+"That's for you to explain," said the Colonel, politely assisting Ulster
+man to rise. "If, when a gentleman is taking his seat, an Hon. Member
+places his hat upon it, accidents will happen."
+
+Ulster man threatens to bring question under notice of SPEAKER. "Begad, I
+hope he will," said the Colonel, smiling grimly. "If you know the
+gentleman, TOBY, tell him I'll keep him in hats through Leap Year if he'll
+only do it. I should like to give the House an unadorned narrative of the
+incident. JOHN ROCHE'S deer-stealing story would be nothing to it."
+
+_Business done._--Debate on Home-Rule Bill.
+
+_Thursday._--GRANDOLPH back again at old post on Front Opposition Bench.
+All the Parliamentary world gathered to greet him. H.R.H. in old familiar
+seat over clock, whence, up to Monday, his pleasant presence had long been
+missed. Not a seat vacant on floor of House. Galleries crammed, whilst,
+through _grille_ of Ladies' Gallery, bright eyes rained influence.
+GRANDOLPH had arranged to resume Debate on Home-Rule Bill; should have come
+on bright and fresh as soon as questions were over. Meanwhile sat on Front
+Opposition Bench, awaiting the signal to dash in. Incessantly playing with
+beard, in fashion that testified to high state of nervousness.
+
+Everything excellently planned, the man, the hour, and the surroundings.
+Only thing forgotten was the dog--dog, you know, that has a little place
+down at Epsom, and turns up on course just as the ranged horses are
+straining at the bit, and the flag is upheld for the fall. On this
+occasion, Irish dog, of course. Introduced in artfullest way. ESMONDE,
+mildest-mannered man that ever whipped for Irish party, casually, as if he
+were inviting him to have a cigarette, asked WOLMER across House whether it
+was true that he had called Irish Members "forty paid mercenaries"? WOLMER,
+an equally well-dressed, civil-spoken young man, smilingly admitted that it
+was quite true he had couched a remark in the terms quoted, but had
+certainly not meant anything offensive to Irish Members. Indeed, general
+aspect of noble Lord, and his tone, suggested feeling of surprise that
+ESMONDE and his friends should not rather have felt complimented by the
+observation challenged.
+
+This turned out to be polite crossing of swords before duel to the death, a
+shaking of hands before deadly set-to without gloves. SEXTON suddenly
+dashed in, and, with back-handed stroke at WOLMER, went for the _Times_ who
+had adopted and improved upon the Viscount's genial remarks. Assault
+admirably planned; carried on with irresistible vigour, sweeping down
+earlier resistance of SPEAKER. Showed what SEXTON can do when so deeply
+moved as to forget himself, and resist besetting temptation to play the
+fatal windbag.
+
+An hour-and-half's tussle all round House; at end Irish held the field,
+and, without dissentient voice, _Times_ article declared to be "gross and
+scandalous breach of privileges of House."
+
+But the hour and half had passed, and with it RANDOLPH'S chance of supreme
+success. House of Commons, though greedy for excitement, will never stand
+two doses in quick succession. After scene like that, which to-night filled
+House with fire and smoke, anything that follows is anti-climax. It was a
+cruel fate, which GRANDOLPH bore uncomplainingly, and fought against with
+quiet courage. Painfully nervous when he broke the silence of two years,
+the still crowded House had difficulty in catching his opening sentences.
+But, as he went on, he recovered himself, and regained mastery over an
+audience evidently eager to welcome his permanent return to position of old
+supremacy.
+
+_Business done._--The Wanderer returned. Slow music. Air--"_Come, Kill the
+fatted Calf._"
+
+_Saturday_, 12:50, A.M.--Mr. G. just brought in Home-Rule Bill, amid
+ringing cheers from Ministerialists, who rise to their feet, and wildly
+wave their hats as PREMIER passes to table. Been some effective speaking on
+this last night of Debate. CHAMBERLAIN, BLAKE, and JOHN MORLEY, each
+excellent in varied way. Only few Members present to hear BODKIN insert
+maiden speech in dinner-hour. A remarkable effort, distinguished, among
+other things, by necessity of SPEAKER twice interposing, second time with
+ominous threat that BODKIN could not be tolerated much longer. BODKIN,
+resuming thread of his discourse, humbly apologised, kept his eye (BODKIN'S
+eye) warily on SPEAKER, and, when he saw him preparing to rise for third
+time, abruptly resumed his seat,--returned hurriedly to the needle-case, so
+to speak,--and thus avoided worse things.
+
+_Business done._--Home-Rule Bill read a First Time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REAL "DIPLOMACY."
+
+No doubt of it! A great diplomatic stroke on the part of Mr. JOHN HARE is
+this revival of _Diplomacy_--_i.e._, SARDOU'S _Dora_ in an English-made
+dress--at the Garrick Theatre. An unequivocal success (of which more "in
+our next") on Saturday night for everybody; and, after the Play was over,
+the audience, inspired by "the gods," called Mr. and Mrs. BANCROFT before
+the curtain. Mrs. BANCROFT, in the course of an admirable little speech,
+said, "If I stood here till next week, I should not be able to express all
+I feel." Now as, by the right time, it was exactly 11:54 P.M. _Saturday
+night_, this clever lady would certainly _not_ have been able in the time
+to express all she felt, or to say all she would have liked to say, seeing
+there were only six minutes left before "next week" began.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GOING FOR THE TIMES!"--CHARGE OF "MERCENARIES."
+
+"Once more unto the breach (of privilege) dear Friends!"--_Henry the
+Fifth_, Act iii. s. 1.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OLD FRENCHMAN AND THE YOUNG.
+
+(_After a Well-known Original._)
+
+  "You are old, '_Le Grand Français_,'" the young Frank said,
+    "And your hair has become very white.
+  Yet the Judges award you five years, it is said--
+    I can't think, at your age, it's quite right."
+
+  "Such Gaul gratitude, boy!" _Le Grand Français_ replied,
+    "As it brightens history's page;
+  In my youth I served France, was her boast and her pride;
+    And France has forgotten my age."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"I hear," said Mrs. R., "that there is some question of real or sham
+Constables at Burlington House. Why not refer it to the Chief Commissioner
+of Police?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sad, but True.
+
+  Your journalist may be a scribe of sense, or comicality,
+    Avoiding the sensational, the silly, and the shoppy;
+  But he can never make a claim to true originality,
+    His contributions always being recognised as "copy."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
+Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+104, FEBRUARY 25, 1893***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 22486-8.txt or 22486-8.zip *******
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104,
+February 25, 1893, by Various, Edited by Francis Burnand</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, February 25, 1893</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Editor: Francis Burnand</p>
+<p>Release Date: September 1, 2007  [eBook #22486]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 104, FEBRUARY 25, 1893***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>E-text prepared by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland,<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOL. 104.</h2>
+
+
+<h2>February 25, 1893.</h2>
+
+
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page85" id="page85"></a>[pg 85]</span>
+
+<h2>MIXED NOTIONS.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">No. V.&mdash;AGRICULTURAL DEPRESSION.</p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Scene and Persons as usual.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>First Well-informed Man.</i> There hasn't been much in this
+debate on the Addresses.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> Oh. I don't know. They've promised a pretty
+big list of measures. How they're going to find time for the lot I
+can't make out.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> (<i>contemptuously</i>). Yes, that's always the way
+with these Governments. They all talk mighty big at the beginning
+of the Session, and then, at the end, they've done nothing, absolutely
+nothing; at least, nothing that's any good to anybody. Parliament's
+getting to be nothing but a bear-garden.
+The House won't be a
+fit place for a gentleman to be
+seen in soon.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> (<i>spitefully</i>).
+You didn't seem to think it would
+be such a bad place for one gentleman,
+about eight months ago.
+You were after a constituency
+yourself, weren't you?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Well, and
+what if I was? I told you at the
+time why I thought of standing.
+I thought I could do some good,
+but I precious soon found they
+were a miserable lot, so I made
+'em my bow. "Gentlemen," I
+said, "you can worry it out among
+yourselves, and, when you've
+agreed, you can let me know."</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> And they
+never did let you know, did they?
+Went and elected another Johnny.
+Deuced bad taste I call it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>creating a diversion</i>).
+Look here, I say, what's all this
+talk about Agricultural Depression?
+What does it mean?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> What does it
+mean! Why, my dear chap, I
+should have thought that any
+schoolboy knew that our agriculture
+is being simply ruined. If
+things go on like this, we shan't
+have a farmer left. They're all
+on the verge of bankruptcy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>doggedly</i>). I daresay
+you're right; but, anyhow, I
+know, when I was at Chilborough,
+the other day, I saw a lot of
+farmers about, and they looked
+pretty fat and comfortable. That's
+why I can't make out what it all
+means.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> (<i>resignedly</i>).
+Well, I suppose I must explain
+it all, from the very beginning.
+The first point is, we've got Free
+Trade, and the farmers want
+Protection; and old <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>
+and all the rest of them say they're
+not to have it. Well, that isn't
+likely to put the farmers in a good
+temper, is it? Then, of course,
+the Americans, and the Russians, and the Indians see their chance,
+and they send ship-loads of food into this country, and the taxes
+have to be paid all the same by our farmers.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). What taxes?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> (<i>flustered</i>). I wish you wouldn't break in just as
+I'm trying to make things clear. Why, the taxes on food, of
+course.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> There aren't any taxes on food.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Oh, indeed! Well, then, how do you explain
+Free Trade, and rent, and all that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> Now you're getting a bit nearer. It's all a
+question of rent. Free Trade's got absolutely nothing to do with it.
+What we want in this country is a Sliding-scale.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> What's a Sliding-scale?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> (<i>taken between wind and water</i>). A Sliding-scale?
+Let me see&mdash;it's very difficult to put these things shortly.
+A Sliding-scale is a&mdash;&mdash;well, it's a sort of patent mechanical contrivance
+for weighing out things, so as to make it fairer than
+ordinary scales do. (<i>Plunges recklessly.</i>) You can make it slide up
+or down, you know, and fix it at any point you like.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> Really! What a rum-looking thing it must be. Have
+you ever seen one?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> Oh yes. They've got two or three in every big
+town.</p>
+
+<p><i>Average Man.</i> When did you last see it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> (<i>suspiciously</i>). Oh, I haven't seen one for some
+time. It <i>may</i> perhaps be a <i>little</i> different now.</p>
+
+<p><i>Average Man.</i> Ah! [<i>A pause.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> I see the Government's going to have an inquiry about
+Agricultural Distress. How are they going to work it?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Royal Commission, of course.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> No, no. It's going to be a Select Committee.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Well, what is
+the difference?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> Surely <i>you</i>
+know that. They only have Royal
+Commissions for labour and that
+sort of thing. Committees don't
+get any pay, you know.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> Of course. I ought
+to have remembered that. But
+who's this Lord <span class="sc">Winchilsea
+and Nottingham</span>, who's cutting
+about the country, talking about
+agriculture! What does he know
+about it? I don't seem to recollect
+his name.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> He's a Peer.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> Yes, I know that;
+but why do they call him Lord
+<span class="sc">Winchilsea</span> <i>and</i> <span class="sc">Nottingham</span>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Average Man.</i> Because that's
+his name. [<i>A pause.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>resuming</i>). But what
+is he driving at?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> He's got hold
+of the right end of the stick.
+It's just this way. (<i>To</i> Inquirer,
+<i>who winces under the imputation</i>.)
+You're a foreign country, and I'm
+a British farmer. Well, you grow
+your corn for nothing, and then
+you chuck it into my markets.
+Well, what I want to know is,
+where do I come in? You may
+call that Free Trade, if you like&mdash;I
+call it ruin. The result is,
+I'm smashed up, and the whole
+country goes to the devil!</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> But you
+ought to consider the consumer.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> What do you
+mean by the consumer?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M</i>. Why, myself,
+for instance. I get the benefit
+of it.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Ah, you may
+<i>think</i> you do, but you don't
+really. In the end you've all to
+pay more for everything.</p>
+
+<p><i>Average Man.</i> Well, I'm pretty
+happy as things are.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Oh, of course&mdash;and
+you'd let the land go
+out of cultivation. That's mere
+selfishness.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> How's that? Can't they work the land now?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> What a question! Of course they can't.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>anxiously</i>). But I've seen 'em ploughing a bit lately.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> My dear Sir, they do it just to occupy time&mdash;they
+must do something.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> Of course&mdash;of course. [<i>Terminus.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/085.png"><img width="100%" src="images/085.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE RESOURCES OF CIVILISATION.</h3>
+
+<p><i>M.P.</i> (<i>apostrophising ruined hat</i>). "<span class="sc">Very well, then, next time
+there's going to be a Rush, I'll bring a Japanned Tin Hat
+charged with Electricity&mdash;then let him Sit on it!!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Our amiable old friend, Mrs. R., came across a book entitled
+<i>Playthings and Parodies</i>, by <span class="sc">Barry Pain</span>. "Oh, I <i>must</i> buy
+<i>that</i>!" she exclaimed. "I've seen him so often in the Pantomime
+at Drury Lane! And fancy his being an Author, too! But I
+don't so much wonder at it, because I remember that, when I was
+a little girl, there was a celebrated Shakspearian Clown at Astley's
+called <span class="sc">Barry</span>, and he sailed in a tub drawn by geese down the
+Thames, and there was a wonderful Pantomime actor of the name
+of <span class="sc">Pain</span>. And now this talented gentleman turns out to be an
+Author as well!!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page86" id="page86"></a>[pg 86]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/086.png"><img width="100%" src="images/086.png" alt="" /></a><h3>"RETURN OF "GRANDOLPH" THE WANDERER! "BE IT EVER SO HUMBLE, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!"</h3></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page87" id="page87"></a>[pg 87]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/087.png"><img width="100%" src="images/087.png" alt="" /></a><h3>THE EVIDENCE OF WEALTH.</h3>
+
+"<p><span class="sc">And who lives in the Big House opposite?"</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">"Mr. Flinders, Sir,&mdash;and Mrs. Flinders,&mdash;the old Veterinary
+Surgeon and his Wife."</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">"They must be pretty well off, I should think, to live in
+a House like that?"</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">"Oh yes, Sir, very Rich indeed. Why, they 'ad a Golden
+Wedding there, the Week before last!"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>FINALITY.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>["He was one of those who believed
+that, even in the ordinary legislation
+of the House, and still more in a
+measure of such complexity, it was
+the utmost folly to talk of finality!"&mdash;<i>Mr.
+J. Redmond the Home-Rule
+Bill.</i>]</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Are our sage legislators, then, set upon finding</p>
+<p>A measure that's "final, conclusive, and binding,"</p>
+<p>As lawyer-phrase puts it? They might as well try</p>
+<p>To fix dawn in the East, or nail clouds to the sky!</p>
+<p>There's nothing that's "final" in infinite time,</p>
+<p>That great, goalless, measureless race-course sublime?</p>
+<p>In which relays of runners must keep up the race?</p>
+<p>There's nothing "conclusive" in limitless space;</p>
+<p>And "binding" man's soul to his best of to-day</p>
+<p>For the future of growth, in an absolute way,</p>
+<p>Were folly as futile as binding an oak</p>
+<p>To the seedling's first prop, or the sapling's first yoke;</p>
+<p>For provisional law, not for secular life,</p>
+<p>Such phrases are fit. Yet to heal age-long strife</p>
+<p>By the very best "betterment" now in our ken,</p>
+<p>Till&mdash;a better shines forth's the first duty of men.</p>
+<p>Do right to the height of our sight's actuality!&mdash;</p>
+<p>Yes, that is our best&mdash;and our only&mdash;Finality!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>An odd Advertisement frequently
+catches our eye. It is
+"<i>Dr. Gordon Stables's Health
+Series</i>." Have the Gordon Stables
+anything to do with "the Gordon
+Hotels"? If not, why not? as
+evidently they could work together
+to their mutual benefit.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>A History of Medicine</i>, by Dr.
+<span class="sc">Edward Berdoe</span>, is announced as
+shortly to appear. It will be illustrated
+by a Black (-and-White)
+draughtsman.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>DESIGNS FOR MI-CAR&AElig;ME.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>To be worn as Costumes at the next
+International Fancy-Dress Ball.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>The Emperor W-ll-m.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Paul
+Pry</span> on Tour.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Czar of R-ss-a.</i>&mdash;Protection.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Sultan of T-rk-y.</i>&mdash;Wrecked
+in Port.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Khedive of Eg-y-t.</i>&mdash;Young
+Hopeful.</p>
+
+<p><i>The President C-rn-t.</i>&mdash;A
+Dissolving View.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prince von B-sm-rck.</i>&mdash;The
+Shadow of the Past.</p>
+
+<p><i>Count C-pr-vi.</i>&mdash;The Substance
+of the Future.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vicomte de L-ss-ps.</i>&mdash;A Lock
+on the Suez Canal.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Pr-m-r.</i>&mdash;A Scotch
+Mixture of <span class="sc">Homer</span> and Home
+Rule.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir W-ll-m H-rc-t.</i>&mdash;The latest
+of the Plantagenets.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. J-hn M-rl-y.</i>&mdash;"To
+Dublin from <i>Pall Mall</i>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Lord R-nd-lph Ch-rch-ll.</i>&mdash;The
+Prodigal Returned.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Speaker P-l.</i>&mdash;The chucker
+in.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. L-b-ch-re.</i>&mdash;The Spirit of
+Te&mdash;ruth.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Marquis of S-l-sb-ry.</i>&mdash;The
+Irish Emigrant.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Arth-r B-lf-r.</i>&mdash;Golf
+surviving Government.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. H-nry Irv-ng.</i>&mdash;A Canterbury
+Pilgrim.</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Ell-n T-rry.</i>&mdash;A <span class="sc">Nun</span>, with
+none like her.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. J. L. T-le.</i>&mdash;A Walker,
+Running, London and the Provinces.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">I'm Manxious to Know.</span>"&mdash;The
+Isle of Man, it appears from
+Mr. <span class="sc">Spencer Walpole's</span> book, has
+thriven on Home Rule. We all
+know that Club Land gets on very
+well, Club-law being administered
+by men only, seeing that men
+only are the governing and governed.
+But "Home" is the
+antithesis of the Club, and
+Home Rule, domestically, means
+Female sovereignty. In the Isle
+of Man-<i>sans</i>-Woman there can
+be no Home Rule properly so
+called. It must be "<i>Homo Rule</i>."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>"HOME, SWEET HOME!"</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Latest Parliamentary Version.</i>)</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Returned Wanderer sings</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>'Mid gold-fields and lion-haunts though we may roam,</p>
+<p>Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home;</p>
+<p>A charm from the past seems to hallow us there,</p>
+<p>Which, trot round the globe, you will not meet elsewhere.</p>
+<p class="i8">Home! Home!</p>
+<p class="i8">Sweet, sweet home!</p>
+<p>Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home!</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>An exile from home freedom dazzles in vain;</p>
+<p>Ah! give me my lowly front-bench seat again.</p>
+<p>The cheers, sounding sweetly, that come at my call,</p>
+<p>Give me these, and old pals of mine, dearer than all.</p>
+<p class="i8">Home! Ho-ome!</p>
+<p class="i8">Sweet, sweet home!</p>
+<p>Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home!</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>(<i>Extra or encore verses on his own account.</i>)</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>The first seat was mine, but I forfeited <i>that</i>;</p>
+<p>Will they welcome the waif, kill the calf that is fat?</p>
+<p>Will dear <span class="sc">Arthur</span> rejoice to receive his lost chief?</p>
+<p>Will the Wanderer's return bring regret, or relief?</p>
+<p class="i8">Home! Ho-ome!</p>
+<p class="i8">Sweet, sweet home!</p>
+<p>Be it ever so humble (<i>winks</i>) there's no place like home!</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>So <i>humble</i>! Oh yes! So seemed David, no doubt,</p>
+<p>Till he struck at <span class="sc">Goliath</span> and put him to rout.</p>
+<p>My giant&mdash;his name, too, begins with a G&mdash;</p>
+<p>Braves the whole of our hosts. I&mdash;no matter&mdash;<i>we</i>'ll see.</p>
+<p class="i8">Home! Ho-ome!</p>
+<p class="i8">Sweet, sweet home!</p>
+<p>Be it ever so humble (<i>grins</i>), there's no place like home!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Treats for Tommy.</span>&mdash;"What shall I do
+to amuse our little boy, aged fourteen, when
+he returns home for Easter Vacation?" Why,
+certainly improve his mind. Procure for him
+a free admission to the Geological Society,
+and let him hear a paper on "Anthracite
+and Bituminous Coal-beds," likewise on
+"Inclusions of Tertiary Granite." Take him
+to the Linnean Society, and treat him to a
+lecture "On the Differentiation of the Protozoan
+Body Microscopically Sectionised."
+Another evening may be given to "Mosses and
+Sphagnums," not to be confounded with
+"Moses and Magnums." After this little
+course, he may write to say that during
+the next vacation he would prefer remaining
+at school.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"I can't drink Champagne," quoth
+General <span class="sc">Boozer</span>; "it gives me a red nose."
+"No, it won't," replied his medical adviser;
+"that is, not if you drink Pommery and
+<i>Grey-nose</i>."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page88" id="page88"></a>[pg 88]</span><h2>THE MAN FROM BLANKLEY'S.</h2>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">A Story in Scenes.</span></p>
+
+<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Scene VIII.</span>&mdash;<i>In the Drawing-room&mdash;Time, about 10.</i> Mrs. <span class="sc">Bodfish</span>
+<i>and</i> Mrs. <span class="sc">Ditchwater</span> <i>are talking in confidential undertones
+on a settee</i>. Miss <span class="sc">Bugle's</span> <i>anxiety concerning her invalid
+Cockatoo has already obliged her to depart</i>. Mrs. <span class="sc">Gilwattle</span>
+<i>is lecturing her Niece on a couch by the fire, while little</i>
+<span class="sc">Gwendolen</span> <i>is in a corner with a Picture-book</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Bodfish</i> (<i>in a wheezy whisper</i>). If he had condescended to
+make himself agreeable all round, I shouldn't say a <i>word</i>; but to
+sit there talking to that little forward governess, and never an
+audible word from first to last&mdash;well, I quite felt for poor dear
+Mrs. <span class="sc">Tidmarsh</span> being so neglected at her own table.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Ditch.</i> Ah, my dear, if she <i>will</i> have the aristocracy to dine
+with her, she must put up with such treatment. I wouldn't stoop
+to such presumption myself. And, if I <i>did</i>, I <i>would</i> have a couple
+of <i>entr&eacute;es</i>, and everything
+carved <i>off</i> the
+table! He'll go away
+with such a poor opinion
+of us all!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Bod.</i> He must
+have noticed how the
+vegetable dishes were
+chipped! And I'm
+sure I was ashamed to
+see she had put out
+those old-fashioned
+doyleys with the finger-glasses.
+I wonder she
+never thought of getting
+some new ones. I
+saw some the other day
+in the Grove, hand-worked,
+at only five-pence
+three-farthings!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Ditch.</i> I could
+see <i>something</i> was
+weighing on her mind,
+or she'd have talked
+more to him. What is
+his title? It sounded
+like "<span class="sc">Stratspoddle</span>."
+I must look it out in my
+Peerage. Would he be
+an Earl now, or what?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Bod.</i> I don't
+expect he's more than
+a Viscount, if so much.
+I do think she might
+have <i>presented</i> us to
+him, though!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Ditch.</i> It isn't
+the fashion to introduce,
+nowadays. But
+I consider we are quite
+entitled to speak to him,
+if we get an opportunity&mdash;in
+fact, he would
+think it very odd if we
+didn't! (<i>&amp;c., &amp;c.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Gilwattle.</i> Well,
+<span class="sc">Maria</span>, I say, as I said
+before, don't let it <i>turn
+your head</i>, that's all!
+Depend upon it, this
+young nobleman isn't
+so affable for nothing.
+He wouldn't dine with
+you like this unless he
+expected to get <i>something</i> out of it. What that something may be,
+you best know!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Tid.</i> (<i>to herself</i>). A guinea, at the very least! (<i>Aloud.</i>)
+I'm sorry you think my head's so easily turned, Aunt <span class="sc">Joanna</span>!
+If you'd noticed how I behaved to him, you wouldn't say so. Why,
+I scarcely <i>spoke</i> to the man!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Gilw.</i> I was <i>watching</i> you, <span class="sc">Maria</span>. And sorry I was to see
+that being next to a member of the nobility overawed you to that
+extent you could hardly open your mouth. So unlike your Uncle
+<span class="sc">Gabriel</span>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Tid.</i> (<i>hurt at this injustice</i>). Overawed, indeed! I'm sure it
+was no satisfaction to <i>me</i> to see him here! No, Aunt the only people
+I welcome at <i>my</i> table are those in my own rank of life&mdash;relations
+and old friends like you and the others. And how you can think
+I was dazzled by a trumpery title when I sent him in with the
+Governess&mdash;&mdash;!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Gil.</i> Ah, you make too much of that girl, <span class="sc">Maria</span>. I've
+noticed it, and <i>others</i> have noticed it. She takes too much upon herself!
+The <i>idea</i> of letting her forbid <span class="sc">Gwendolen</span> to recite&mdash;no wonder
+your authority over the child is weakened! I should have <i>insisted</i>
+on obedience.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Tid.</i> (<i>roused</i>). I hope I know how to make my own child obey
+me. <span class="sc">Gwendolen</span>, come out of that corner. Put down your book.
+(<span class="sc">Gwen</span>. <i>obeys</i>.) I wish you to repeat something to your Auntie&mdash;what
+you refused to say downstairs&mdash;<i>you</i> know what I mean!</p>
+
+<p><i>Gwen.</i> Do you mean the thing Miss <span class="sc">Seaton</span> said I wasn't to,
+because you'd be angry?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Tid.</i> (<i>majestically</i>).
+Miss <span class="sc">Seaton</span> had
+no business to know
+whether I should be
+angry or not. She is
+only your Governess&mdash;<i>I</i>
+am your Mother. And
+I shall be extremely
+angry if you don't
+repeat it at once&mdash;in
+fact, I shall send you
+off to bed. So you can
+choose for yourself.</p>
+
+<p><i>Gwen.</i> I don't want
+to go to bed ... I'll
+tell, if I may whisper it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Tid.</i> Well, if
+you are too shy to speak
+out loud, you <i>may</i>
+whisper. You see, Aunt,
+I am not <i>quite</i> such a
+cipher as you fancied!</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<span class="sc">Gwen</span>. <i>puts her mouth
+to</i> Mrs. <span class="sc">Gilwattle's</span>
+<i>ear, and proceeds
+to whisper</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<br />
+
+<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Scene IX.</span>&mdash;<i>Breakfast-room&mdash;Time,
+the
+same as in the foregoing
+Scene.</i> Mr.
+<span class="sc">Tidmarsh</span>, <i>after proposing
+to "join the
+ladies," much to the
+relief of</i> Lord <span class="sc">Strathsporran</span>,
+<i>has brought
+him in here on the
+transparent pretext of
+showing him a picture</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Tid.</i> (<i>carefully
+closing the door</i>). I only
+just wanted to tell you
+that I don't at all like
+the way you've been
+going on. It's not my
+wish to make complaints,
+but there <i>is</i> a
+limit!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> (<i>hotly</i>).
+There <i>is</i>&mdash;you're very
+near it now, Sir! (<i>To
+himself.</i>) If I quarrel
+with this little beggar,
+I shan't see <span class="sc">Marjory</span>!
+(<i>Controlling his temper.</i>)
+Perhaps you'll kindly
+let me know what you
+complain of?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Tid.</i> Well, why
+couldn't you say you
+didn't smoke when my Uncle offered you one of his cigars? You
+must have felt me kick you under the table!</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:45%;"><a href="images/088.png"><img width="100%" src="images/088.png" alt="" /></a><h3>Mrs. Gilwattle rises slowly, bristling with indignation.</h3></div>
+
+<p><i>Lord. Strath.</i> I did&mdash;distinctly. But I gave you credit for its being
+accidental. And, if you wish to know, I said I smoked because I
+do. I don't see why you should expect me to <i>lie</i> about it!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Tid.</i> I don't agree with you. I consider you ought to have
+had more tact, after the hint I gave you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> It didn't occur to me that you were trying to kick
+<i>tact</i> into me. And, naturally, when I saw your Uncle about to
+smoke&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Tid.</i> That was different, as you might have known. Why,
+<i>one</i> cigar is as much as my wife can stand!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> You&mdash;er&mdash;wouldn't wish her to smoke <i>more</i> than
+one, surely?</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page89" id="page89"></a>[pg 89]</span><p><i>Mr. Tid.</i> (<i>outraged</i>). My wife smoke! Never did such a thing
+in her life! She don't allow <i>me</i> to smoke. She wouldn't allow
+Mr. <span class="sc">Gilwattle</span> if he wasn't her Uncle. And I can tell you, when
+she comes down in the morning, and finds the curtains smelling of
+smoke, and hears you were the <i>other</i>, I shall catch it!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> Sorry for you&mdash;but if you had only made your kick
+a trifle more explanatory&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Tid.</i> That's not <i>all</i>, Sir. When you saw me and my Uncle
+engaged in talking business, what did you cut in for with a cock-and-bull
+story about the Boxing Kangaroo being formed into a
+Limited Company, and say the Kangaroo was going to join the Board
+after allotment? You couldn't really believe the beast was eligible
+as a Director&mdash;an <i>animal</i>, Sir!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> Why not? They have <i>guinea-pigs</i> on the Board
+occasionally, don't they? But of course it was only a joke.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Tid.</i> You weren't <i>asked</i> to make jokes. My Uncle doesn't
+understand 'em&mdash;no more do I, Sir!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> No, I gathered that. (<i>Breaking out.</i>) Confound it
+all, Sir, what do you mean by this? If you didn't want me, why
+couldn't you tell me so? You knew it before <i>I</i> did! I don't understand
+your peculiar ideas of hospitality. I've kept my temper as
+long as I could; but, dash it all, if you force me to speak out, I
+will!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Tid.</i> (<i>alarmed</i>). No, no, I&mdash;I meant no offence&mdash;you won't go
+and let everything out now! It was a mistake, that's all&mdash;and there's
+no harm done. You got your <i>dinner</i> all right, didn't you? By the
+way, talking of that, can you give me any idea what they'll charge
+me for this, eh? What's the <i>regular</i> thing now?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). Extraordinary little bounder&mdash;wants
+me to price his dinner for him! (<i>Aloud.</i>) Couldn't give a guess!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Tid.</i> Well, considering I sent round and all that, I think they
+ought to make <i>some</i> reduction&mdash;y'know. But <i>you</i>'ve nothing to do
+with that, eh? I'm to settle up with <span class="sc">Blankley's</span>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> I should say he would prefer your doing so&mdash;but it's
+really no business of mine, and&mdash;er&mdash;it's getting rather late&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Tid.</i> (<i>opening the door</i>). There, we'll go up. And look here,
+<i>do</i> try and be a bit stiffer with my Uncle. It's too bad the way he
+goes on my-lording you, y'know. You shouldn't encourage him!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> I wasn't aware I <i>did</i>. (<i>To himself.</i>) Trying, this.
+But never mind, I shall see <span class="sc">Marjory</span> in another minute!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Tid.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). The <i>airs</i> these chaps give themselves! Oh,
+lor, there's Uncle <span class="sc">Gabriel</span> hooking on to him <i>again</i>. If he only
+knew! [<i>He follows them upstairs uneasily.</i></p>
+
+<br />
+
+<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Scene X.</span>&mdash;<i>In the Drawing-room</i>; <span class="sc">Gwendolen</span> <i>is still whispering
+in</i> Mrs. <span class="sc">Gilwattle's</span> <i>ear</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Gilw.</i> Eh? You're tickling my ear, child&mdash;don't come so
+close. Louder. Yes, go on. "Sat next to him at dinner?" <i>Well</i>,
+what <i>about</i> him?... <i>What?</i>... What's the child talking about
+now?... "A gentleman out of <span class="sc">Blankley's</span> shop"!! "Hired for
+the evening"!!! Let her alone, <span class="sc">Maria</span>, <i>I</i> know who's telling the
+truth! So <i>this</i> is your precious Nobleman, is it? Oh, the <i>deceit</i> of
+it all!</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>The door opens, and</i> Uncle <span class="sc">Gabriel</span> <i>enters, clinging affectionately
+to</i> Lord <span class="sc">Strathsporran's</span> <i>arm</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Uncle Gab.</i> And when I take a fancy to a young fellow, my Lord,
+I don't allow any social prejudices to stand in the way. I should say
+just the same if you were a mere nobody. We ought to see <i>more</i> of
+one another. I should esteem it a distinguished favour if you'd
+honour me and my wife by dropping in to a little dinner some
+evening; no ceremony; just a few quiet pleasant people like ourselves.
+We'll see if we can't fix a day with my wife.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>He steers him across to</i> Mrs. <span class="sc">Gilwattle</span>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Lord Strath.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). Now, how the deuce am I going to get
+out of <i>this</i>? And what have they done with <span class="sc">Marjory</span>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Uncle Gab.</i> <span class="sc">Joanna</span>, my love, I've been telling his Lordship here
+how delighted and honoured we should be to see him at dinner
+some&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[Mrs. <span class="sc">Gilwattle</span> <i>rises slowly, bristling with indignation, and
+glares speechlessly at the unconscious</i> Lord <span class="sc">Strathsporran</span>,
+<i>while</i> Mrs. <span class="sc">Tidmarsh</span> <i>vainly attempts to appease her, as her
+husband and the other men enter. Tableau.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="center"><i>End of Scene X.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"At the Window."</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>In dull days of sensational horrors, and wild would-be humorous hums,</p>
+<p>What delight to fly darkness, and watch the "Auld Licht," from "<i>A Window in Thrums</i>"!</p>
+<p>Let pessimists potter and pule, and let savages slaughter and harry;</p>
+<p>Give me <i>Hendry</i>, and <i>Tammas</i>, and <i>Jess</i>, and a smile, and a tear born of <span class="sc">Barrie</span>.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"The French," says Mrs. R., "have been shown up in a very
+queer light by all these Panama candles."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE HOUSE THAT BILL (SYKES) BURGLED.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(Namely, that of Messrs. <span class="sc">Walter Cross &amp; Co.</span>, Jewellers, 8, Holywell
+Street, Strand, as narrated in the <i>Times</i> of the 16th inst.)</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:25%;"><a href="images/089.png"><img width="100%" src="images/089.png" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<p>This is the House that <span class="sc">Bill</span> burgled.</p>
+
+<p>This is the window, plastered with brown-paper and treacle, and
+then broken, belonging to the House that <span class="sc">Bill</span>
+burgled.</p>
+
+<p>This is the rope-ladder, attached to the window, plastered
+with brown-paper and treacle, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>This is the show-case, reached by way of the rope-ladder
+attached to the window, plastered with brown-paper
+and treacle, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>This is the "burglar-alarm," lately
+connected with the show-case,
+reached by way of the rope-ladder,
+attached to the window, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>This is the bell that belonged to the
+"burglar-alarm," lately connected
+with the show-case, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>This is the wire that rang the bell,
+that belonged to the "burglar-alarm,"
+lately connected with the
+show-case, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"><a href="images/089b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/089b.png" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<p>This is the telephone that communicated
+with Bloomsbury,
+set in motion by the bell, rung
+by the wire, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:25%;"><a href="images/089c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/089c.png" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<p>This is the dog who barked at the
+bell, agitated by the telephone
+that communicated with
+Bloomsbury, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>This is the man unshaven, unshorn,
+aroused from his sleep
+in the early morn by the
+dog who barked at the
+bell, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>These are the "Bobbies," all forlorn,
+called on by the man unshaven,
+unshorn, aroused from his sleep in
+the early morn, by the dog who
+barked at the bell, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>And this is the burglar, smiling in
+scorn, who escaped by the rope-ladder,
+window-sill-borne, and
+evaded the Bobbies all forlorn,
+called on by the man, unshaven,
+unshorn, aroused from his sleep in
+the early morn, by the dog who
+barked at the bell, agitated by the
+telephone, set in motion by the
+wire, attached to the burglar-alarm,
+connected with the show-case,
+reached by way of the rope-ladder,
+hooked to the window, plastered
+with brown-paper and treacle,
+belonging to the House that <span class="sc">Bill</span>
+burgled.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>SUGGESTIONS FOR RIDE PARK.</h2>
+
+<p>"Many improvements," the <i>Daily News</i> writes, "in the arrangement
+of the Parks in the West End" have been made. Have they?
+Perhaps visible to the eye assisted by <i>Mr. Weller's</i> "pair o'
+patent double million magnifyin' gas microscopes of hextra power."
+But why, for the hundredth time we ask, and every equestrian asks
+as well, why aren't rides made across Kensington Gardens from
+Princes' Gate to Bayswater? Beautiful rides they would be under
+the trees, and thus varying the wearisome monotony of the round
+and round squirrel-in-a-cage sort of routine exercise, to which the
+Rotten-Row Riders are purgatorially bound. Also, why not a ride
+right across Hyde Park from the Achilles Statue to an exit facing
+about Albion Street, Bayswater? What difficulties can there be
+which a First Commissioner of Works representing an actively Liberal
+and Progressive policy could not carry out for the benefit of the
+Mounted Liver Brigade and the Light Cavalry?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Old Father Thames is still rather dirty. We often hear of "The
+Thames Basin." Why doesn't Father Thames use it,&mdash;with soap?
+What a chance here for a P**rs' advertisement.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page90" id="page90"></a>[pg 90]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/090.png"><img width="100%" src="images/090.png" alt="" /></a><h3>FROM THE EMERALD ISLE.</h3>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Just make it a Couple of Shillings, Captain dear!</span>"&mdash;"<span class="sc">No!</span>" "<span class="sc">Eighteenpence then, Major!</span>"&mdash;"<span class="sc">No!</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Och thin, Colonel darling, just Threppence for a Glass o' Whiskey!</span>"&mdash;"<span class="sc"><i>No</i>, I tell you!</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Git out wid ye thin, ye Boa Conshthructor, sure an' I know'd ye all the toime!</span>"</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>N.B.</i>&mdash;<i>The Fare is the Head of an eminent Firm of Furriers in Kilconan Street, and cultivates a martial appearance</i>.]</p></blockquote></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A BIG LION AMONG THE LITTLE 'UNS.</h2>
+
+<p>"Daniel in the Lions' Den" will occur to many on reading how
+<span class="sc">Henry Irving</span> ventured into and actually dined as the distinguished
+guest of a society styling itself "The Playgoers' Club." But
+after all, whether these were real leonine cubs, or only "lions
+stuffed with straw," the Real Lion of the evening was the Daniel
+come to Judgment, <span class="sc">Henry Irving</span>, who, having partaken of the
+"chicken and champagne," and acknowledged the goodness thereof,
+gave them the less smooth side of his own tongue with charming
+frankness.</p>
+
+<p>"I do not hesitate to tell you," purred the Lion, sweetly, "that
+there have been times when the genius of frankness which possesses
+the Club"&mdash;he did not allude to the existence among them of any
+other sort of genius&mdash;"has not appeared to be allied with the
+finest discrimination. (<i>Laughter.</i>)"</p>
+
+<p>Yes&mdash;the poor little Lions laughed&mdash;it was all they could do,
+unless they had whimpered, and promised not to offend again.
+It must have been a delightful evening. To what other banquets
+will our leading Histrion be invited? To the Pittites' Club
+Dinner? To the Wreckers' Banquet? Will he be entertained
+by the Dissentient Gallery-Boys' Club, and finish up with a
+supper strictly confined to the upper Circles' Society? Instead of
+"Give your orders, Gents&mdash;the Waiter's in the room!" of old
+days, the Chairman will probably advise the enterprising Playgoers
+to "Ask for 'orders,' Gents&mdash;the Manager's in the room." However,
+if these heaven-born dramatic critics occasionally hear a few
+words of good advice from so honest a guest as <span class="sc">Henry Irving</span>, such
+gatherings may perhaps serve some useful purpose.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>Gladstone's Aside on the Irish Members.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>You are, in faith, like women&mdash;divil doubt you!&mdash;</p>
+<p>For "there's no living with you, or without you."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Very Bad Drainage</span>.&mdash;Because the London School Board built
+schools with defective drainage, the London Ratepayers are to be
+mulcted in £250,000. A nice drain this on our pockets!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE POLITE SPEAKER.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Intended for the use of courteous Members of Parliament.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Question.</i> I trust you quite acknowledge that strong language is
+absolutely unnecessary in Westminster?</p>
+
+<p><i>Answer.</i> Quite, especially when a compensating description can be
+found for every suitable term of abuse.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> You grasp the idea. How would you describe <span class="sc">Nero</span> fiddling
+during the burning of Rome?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> I should say that he was a musician with a turn for pleasing
+variations.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Very good. And how would you speak of <span class="sc">Guy Faux</span> on the
+eve of blowing up the House of Commons?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> An experimentalist who would have been a useful lecturer
+upon chemistry at the Royal Institution.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> And could you refer to <i>Blue Beard</i> after the discovery of the
+cause of his last widowerhood without giving offence?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Yes; as a married man who objected on principle to the
+Mormon practice of being wedded to more than one wife at a time.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Yes. And what would you say of <span class="sc">Marie de Medicis</span>, who is
+reported to have fired at the Huguenots from the Louvre?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> I should say that her late Majesty took such an interest in
+field sports, as nowadays would have secured her election to the
+Gun Club.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> And, lastly, were you asked to describe <span class="sc">Henry the Eighth</span>
+after he had slaughtered most of his wives, plundered all the monasteries,
+and imprisoned or executed many of his subjects, what would
+you call him?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Without hesitation I should refer to him as "an excited
+politician."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Continuous-Sounding Machines</span>."&mdash;Lots of 'em on view in
+the House of Commons. But, for the genuine article, consult a
+"Colomb" of the <i>Times</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"I love those cradle-songs," said Mrs. R. "The other day I
+heard&mdash;I forget who it was&mdash;sing a most charming <i>alibi</i>."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page91" id="page91"></a>[pg 91]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:43%;"><a href="images/091.png"><img width="100%" src="images/091.png" alt="" /></a><h3>A LULLABY.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="sc">Nurse G.</span> (<i>sings</i>). "'O HUSH THEE, MY BABY,</p>
+<p>TAKE REST WHILE YOU MAY'"&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>(<i>To himself.</i>) "AND NOW I MUST GO AND LOOK AFTER THE OTHERS!"</p>
+</div></div></div>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page92" id="page92"></a>[pg 92]</span>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page93" id="page93"></a>[pg 93]</span><div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/093.png"><img width="100%" src="images/093.png" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+
+<h2>TO SERAPHINE.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Through happy years, that number now I ween</p>
+<p>A dozen, or&mdash;to be correct&mdash;thirteen,</p>
+<p>My comfortable better-half you've been,</p>
+<p class="i8">O <span class="sc">Seraphine</span>!</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>The ups and downs of life we two have seen&mdash;</p>
+<p>From Camberwell, of stucco-fronted mien,</p>
+<p>To quaintly-decorated Turnham Green,</p>
+<p class="i8">O <span class="sc">Seraphine</span>!</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Till Grandma's money came with golden sheen,</p>
+<p>You lent a hand at <span class="sc">Sarah's</span> weekly clean,</p>
+<p>And did not tilt your nose at margarine,</p>
+<p class="i8">O <span class="sc">Seraphine</span>!</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>And now that I've been made a Rural Dean,</p>
+<p>Your figure is no longer slim, my Queen;</p>
+<p>You'd scarcely make a graceful <i>ballerine</i>,</p>
+<p class="i8">O <span class="sc">Seraphine</span>!</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>But after dinner as you doze each e'en,</p>
+<p>From your disjointed mutterings I glean</p>
+<p>Your mind is running on a crinoline,</p>
+<p class="i8">O <span class="sc">Seraphine</span>!</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Oh, let me not appear to speak with spleen&mdash;</p>
+<p>Yet pause!&mdash;nor go to Madame <span class="sc">Antonine</span></p>
+<p>To get yourself a&mdash;<i>you know what I mean</i>,</p>
+<p class="i8">O <span class="sc">Seraphine</span>!</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>For if that huge and hideous machine</p>
+<p>Should thrust its bilious bulginess between</p>
+<p>A blameless couple, such as we have been,</p>
+<p class="i8">My <span class="sc">Seraphine</span>,</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>I will not condescend to make a "scene,"</p>
+<p>But&mdash;if you needs <i>must</i> have your crinoline&mdash;</p>
+<p>Good-bye!&mdash;you cannot have your Rural Dean,</p>
+<p class="i8">O <span class="sc">Seraphine</span>!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>DER COPHETUALISCHEHOCHZEITVEREIN.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>["In Vienna a Club has been formed among
+young men of fashion for the encouragement of
+marriage with poor girls."&mdash;<i>James Payn, in
+"Illustrated News."</i>]</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>O youth of Wien, what does this mean?</p>
+<p class="i2">Can you forget you are</p>
+<p>All <i>hochgeboren</i> as of yore</p>
+<p class="i2">Was King <span class="sc">Cophetua</span>?</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>To wed a lot of girls <i>sans dot</i></p>
+<p class="i2">Is strange, and yet you are</p>
+<p>No more afraid of beggar maid</p>
+<p class="i2">Than King <span class="sc">Cophetua</span>.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>But if you break the vow you take,</p>
+<p class="i2">And dowries get, you are</p>
+<p>A thousand pound to forfeit bound,</p>
+<p class="i2">Which beats <span class="sc">Cophetua</span>.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>So you by stealth can't marry wealth,</p>
+<p class="i2">Not if in debt you are;</p>
+<p>But, as we see, resemble the</p>
+<p class="i2">Late King <span class="sc">Cophetua</span>.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>O men elsewhere, Mammas declare</p>
+<p class="i2">How hard to net you are!</p>
+<p>You can't be led poor girls to wed</p>
+<p class="i2">Like King <span class="sc">Cophetua</span>.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Consider, then, these noble men,</p>
+<p class="i2">And you'll regret you are</p>
+<p>Unmarried still, and quickly will</p>
+<p class="i2">Do like <span class="sc">Cophetua</span>!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Put a Stop to It</span>!&mdash;A Correspondent,
+signing himself "<span class="sc">O'Noodle</span>," asks, "What
+does this mean? See Cook's <i>Guide-Book to
+Paris</i>, page 23:&mdash;'Visitors should take the
+precautions against pickpockets recommended
+by the Administration.'" A comma or a
+dash after "precautions," and another
+after "pickpockets," or put pickpockets into
+brackets&mdash;handcuff 'em, in fact&mdash;and then
+<span class="sc">O'Noodle</span> will get at the sense of the
+paragraph.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A DOLE-FUL PROSPECT.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Easter.</i>&mdash;Wonder what the effect of the
+<span class="sc">Bishop's</span> appeal to the "loyal laity," to come
+down heavily with Easter Offerings to the
+Clergy, will be? Rather an exciting day for
+me. Hard-up is not the word for my condition
+at present. Can't keep myself, and
+have to keep a Gardener and a Curate!</p>
+
+<p>A lot of cast-off clothes arrive from "<span class="sc">A
+Sympathetic Parishioner</span>!" How degrading!
+Wish <span class="sc">Bishop of Worcester</span> hadn't
+said that he knew a Clergyman who stayed
+in bed because he had no decent clothes to
+wear. Congregation seem to think he meant
+<i>me</i>! Two blankets, and a rig-out of "Cellular
+under-clothing," from "<span class="sc">Church Defence</span>,"
+addressed to "Our Beloved but
+Impoverished Incumbent." Quite insulting!
+Give blankets to Gardener, and send the
+Cellular things to Curate, as his tendencies
+are distinctly monastic.</p>
+
+<p>Letter from a Newmarket Bookmaker!
+Says he hears I'm in want of Easter Offerings,
+so he offers to "put me on to a good thing for
+the Derby." I am, apparently, to forward
+him a £5 note, and he returns me £50
+"without fail." Tempting, but haven't got
+a £5 note to send.</p>
+
+<p>Arrival at my quiet Vicarage of a donkey,
+a cow, two pigs, and a dozen barndoor
+fowls! Perhaps, in honour of the pigs, I
+might call this a "sow Easter!" The whole
+menagerie sent by neighbouring farmers.
+Wish they'd send me arrears of rent for
+glebe instead; yet I daren't ask for them.
+Evidently intended as Easter "gifts in
+kind;" but not the kind I want. Send
+donkey on to Curate, and tether cow in back-yard,
+not having a field. Pigs temporarily
+accommodated in back kitchen. Cook
+threatens to give notice.</p>
+
+<p>Church. Offertory goes to <i>me</i> to-day!
+Don't half like it. Feel like a schoolboy
+expecting to be tipped. Curate rather glum.
+Finds he thinks my sending the donkey to
+him was meant to insult him. When I assure
+him it wasn't, he cheers up, and says he'll
+hold the plate. Does so. Seems very heavy.
+Curate distinctly winks at me, which is
+against the Rubrics, no doubt, but still
+seems to be an augury of happy tidings about
+the sum collected. On his way to Vestry,
+Curate whispers to me "Two-fifty!" What
+does he mean? Is it two fifty pounds, or
+shillings? It's neither&mdash;it's <i>pence</i>! Really,
+if this is all the "loyal laity" can do, I may
+as well disestablish myself.</p>
+
+<p>Best Easter Offering of all comes by post.
+Offer of position as Under-Cashier in a firm
+of eminent Bone-boilers. Write to accept
+offer with thanks. Better to boil bones for
+other people than to have all the flesh taken
+off my own.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE NEW COINAGE.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Art will now adorn our purses,</p>
+<p class="i2">Hitherto an artless place;</p>
+<p>More than pictures, songs, or verses,</p>
+<p class="i2">This should elevate the race.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Is it safe to be prophetic?</p>
+<p class="i2">Will the miser, once abused,</p>
+<p>Be considered quite aesthetic,</p>
+<p class="i2">With the connoisseur confused?</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Will the banker, grown artistic,</p>
+<p class="i2">Talk a jargon new and strange?</p>
+<p>Will this feeling, subtle, mystic,</p>
+<p class="i2">Even reach the Stock Exchange?</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Will it from the City banish</p>
+<p class="i2">Dress that artists should eschew?</p>
+<p>Will the hallowed "topper" vanish,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the frock-coat fade from view?</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Will the cabman now be willing,</p>
+<p class="i2">After driving half a mile,</p>
+<p>To accept a high-art shilling,</p>
+<p class="i2">Not with oaths, but with a smile?</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Will the porter at the station</p>
+<p class="i2">While his thanks pause on his lip,</p>
+<p>Gaze in silent admiration</p>
+<p class="i2">At the beauty of his tip?</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Music hath," so <span class="sc">Congreve</span> stated,</p>
+<p class="i2">"Charms to soothe the savage breast";</p>
+<p>Numismatic art is fated</p>
+<p class="i2">May be to be likewise blest.</p>
+</div> </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>NAILED!</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Lord Dufferin and the Gallic Vermin.</i>)</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[At the Annual Dinner of the British Chamber
+of Commerce in Paris, Lord <span class="sc">Dufferin</span> took
+occasion to refer trenchantly, but temperately, to
+the long series of calumnies lately directed against
+him by certain sections of the French Press.]</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Yes, <span class="sc">Dufferin</span>, yes, the Reptile Press</p>
+<p class="i2">Is not confined to realms Teutonic.</p>
+<p>You squelch it&mdash;could you well do less?&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">With an urbanity fine, ironic.</p>
+<p>France is too chivalrous, too polite,</p>
+<p class="i2">To back these crawlers, venomous, "varment"!&mdash;</p>
+<p>But our Ambassador does quite right</p>
+<p class="i2">To&mdash;brush them lightly from his garment.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A "Plucky" Answer.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Who was <span class="sc">Procrustes</span>? What was the
+Bed of <span class="sc">Procrustes</span>?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> He was an ancient philosopher who
+never would get up in the morning. Hence
+the word for a person who puts off or delays;
+viz., "One who Procrustinates."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">The Whittington Record Broken</span>.&mdash;"Mr.
+<span class="sc">Hurst</span>," <i>The Athen&aelig;um</i> gossip informs
+us, "has been four times Mayor of Bedford."
+He ought to be perfect in the part, for certainly
+it has been well <i>re-hearsed</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page94" id="page94"></a>[pg 94]</span><h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, February 13.</i>&mdash;House filled from
+floor to topmost range of gallery. Terrible rumour that it is also
+peopled underneath. Members sitting on two front benches
+evidently restless through opening passages of Mr. G.'s speech.
+Weird whispering heard, apparently rising from boots of <span class="sc">First Lord</span>
+of the <span class="sc">Treasury</span>. <span class="sc">Grandolph</span> pricks up his ears; fancies he
+recognises voice familiar in Harley Street. First thought, whispered
+commentary must come from Ladies' Gallery. Right Hon. Gentlemen
+look up, and conclude it is too remote. Besides, Ladies <i>never</i>
+talk in the Gallery.</p>
+
+<p>"Moreover than which," said <span class="sc">Fergusson</span>, staring stolidly at
+open network of iron floor, "it comes from quite different quarter."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/094.png"><img width="100%" src="images/094.png" alt="" /></a><h3>GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS TAKING THEIR SEATS, MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 1893.</h3></div>
+
+<p>Even Mr. G., absorbed as he was with great topic, evidently
+noticed the odd state of things, for towards end of magnificent
+speech he dropped his voice right down through the grating into the
+chamber below, so that Strangers in distant Gallery lost the purport
+of his words. Above-board&mdash;or rather above iron grating&mdash;House
+presented spectacle worthy of occasion. Last time anything like it
+seen was in April, 1886, when first Home-Rule Bill introduced.
+Singularly like it this afternoon, with chairs blocking the floor
+in fashion to which <span class="sc">Lord-Chamberlain</span>, looking down from Peers'
+Gallery, admitted he would not permit in any other theatre. Side-galleries
+filled; Members thronging Bar, sharing the steps of
+<span class="sc">Speaker's</span> Chair, peeping round from behind its recess, sitting on
+the Gangway steps. The Lords' Gallery thronged, with somewhat
+disorderly fringe of Viscounts jostling each other on the steps. Not
+an inch of room to spare in the Diplomatic Gallery, whilst happy
+strangers rose tier beyond tier on the benches behind. Over the
+clock H.R.H., <i>debonnaire</i> as usual, able to extract fullest pleasure
+and interest out of passing moment. By his side, his son and heir;
+not the one who sat there on the April night nine years ago, but the
+younger brother, with Cousin <span class="sc">May</span> facing him through the <i>grille</i> of
+Ladies' Gallery. Many other gaps filled up on floor of House, the
+biggest those created by the flitting of <span class="sc">Bright</span> and <span class="sc">Parnell</span>.</p>
+
+<p>The figure at table answering to Speaker's call, the "<span class="sc">First Lord</span>
+of the <span class="sc">Treasury</span>" is the same, though different. Marvellously
+little different, considering all that has passed since '86, and remembering
+the weight of added years when they come on top of fourscore.
+Scantier the hair, paler the face and more furrowed; but the form
+still erect, the eye flashing, the right hand beating vigorously, as of
+yore, on the long-suffering box; the voice even better than it was
+for a certain period towards close of 1880 Parliament; the mental
+vision as clear; the fancy as luxuriant; the logic as irresistible;
+the musical swing of the stately sentences as harmonious. For two
+hours and a quarter, unfaltering, unfailing, Mr. G. held the
+unrivalled audience entranced, and sat down amid a storm of
+cheering, looking almost as fresh as the posy in his button-hole.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Mr. G. introduces Home-Rule Bill.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Colonel Saunderson</span> going about to-day just as if
+nothing had happened yesterday. <i>But something did.</i> Little misunderstanding
+arose in connection with appropriation of a Seat. The
+Colonel, of course, in the row at the door of the House, between
+eleven and noon. Two hundred Members waiting to get in as soon
+as doors opened. "Nothing like it seen in civilised world since the
+rush for Oklahoma," says Lord <span class="sc">Playfair</span>, who has been in the
+United States. "Then, you remember, the intending settlers,
+gathering from all parts, bivouacked on line marked by military,
+and on appointed day, at fixed hour, at sound of gun, made the
+dash into the Promised Land. Lack some of those particulars here.
+But the passion just the same; equally reckless; every man first,
+and the Sergeant-at-Arms take the hindmost."</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Playfair</span> himself came down two hours later, intending to take
+his seat in Peers' Gallery, but, finding another mob at entrance,
+almost as turbulent, concluded he would not add to the tumult by
+wrestling with anybody for a place in the front rank. So, meeting
+a Bishop, who had come down with similar intent and abandoned
+endeavour from analogous reason, they went for a walk in the Park.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Saunderson</span> not a man of that kind. Thoroughly enjoyed himself
+for exciting three-quarters of hour. Was in first flight of heated
+and dishevelled senators who crossed the Bar when door flung open,
+and elderly Messenger was simultaneously flattened at back of it.
+<span class="sc">Saunderson</span> dropped on to first convenient seat; folded his arms;
+beginning to view the scene when, like the person in the pastoral
+poem, "he heard a voice which said,"&mdash;"You're sitting on my hat!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," replied Colonel, genially recognising Irish Member of
+same Province, but another faith, "now you mention it, I thought I
+did hear something crunch." On examination, found remains of hat.</p>
+
+<p>"Come out of my seat!" said the other Ulster man.</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all," said the Colonel.</p>
+
+<p>"Then I'll take you!" said the Ulster man.</p>
+
+<p>"Do so," said the Colonel. Ulster man seized Colonel by collar
+and coat, and tugged violently. Rest of conversation was carried on
+with the Ulster man lying on his back, at full length, partly under
+his seat. "There was no hat here when I arrived," said the Colonel.</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page95" id="page95"></a>[pg 95]</span><div class="figright" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/095.png"><img width="100%" src="images/095.png" alt="" /></a><h3>MR. PUNCH'S HISTORICAL CARTOONS. MR. G.'S ROOM IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.</h3></div>
+
+<p>"Then how did it get there?" said the Ulster man, under the
+seat.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page96" id="page96"></a>[pg 96]</span>
+<p>"That's for you to explain," said the Colonel, politely assisting
+Ulster man to rise. "If, when a gentleman is taking his seat,
+an Hon. Member places his hat upon it, accidents will happen."</p>
+
+<p>Ulster man threatens to bring question under notice of <span class="sc">Speaker</span>.
+"Begad, I hope he will," said the Colonel, smiling grimly. "If
+you know the gentleman, <span class="sc">Toby</span>, tell him I'll keep him in hats
+through Leap Year if he'll only do it. I should like to give the
+House an unadorned narrative of the incident. <span class="sc">John Roche's</span>
+deer-stealing story would be nothing to it."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Debate on Home-Rule Bill.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Grandolph</span> back again at old post on Front Opposition
+Bench. All the Parliamentary world gathered to greet him. H.R.H.
+in old familiar seat over clock, whence, up to Monday, his pleasant
+presence had long been missed. Not a seat vacant on
+floor of House. Galleries crammed, whilst, through <i>grille</i>
+of Ladies' Gallery, bright eyes rained influence. <span class="sc">Grandolph</span>
+had arranged to resume Debate on Home-Rule
+Bill; should have come on bright and fresh as soon as
+questions were over. Meanwhile sat on Front Opposition
+Bench, awaiting the signal to dash in. Incessantly
+playing with beard, in fashion that testified to
+high state of nervousness.</p>
+
+<p>Everything excellently planned, the man, the hour,
+and the surroundings. Only thing forgotten was the
+dog&mdash;dog, you know, that has a little place down at
+Epsom, and turns up on course just as the ranged horses
+are straining at the bit, and the flag is upheld for the
+fall. On this occasion, Irish dog, of course. Introduced
+in artfullest way. <span class="sc">Esmonde</span>, mildest-mannered man
+that ever whipped for Irish party, casually, as if he
+were inviting him to have a cigarette, asked <span class="sc">Wolmer</span>
+across House whether it was true that he had called
+Irish Members "forty paid mercenaries"? <span class="sc">Wolmer</span>, an
+equally well-dressed, civil-spoken young man, smilingly
+admitted that it was quite true he had couched a remark
+in the terms quoted, but had certainly not meant anything
+offensive to Irish Members. Indeed, general aspect
+of noble Lord, and his tone, suggested feeling of surprise
+that <span class="sc">Esmonde</span> and his friends should not rather have
+felt complimented by the observation challenged.</p>
+
+<p>This turned out to be polite crossing of swords before
+duel to the death, a shaking of hands before deadly
+set-to without gloves. <span class="sc">Sexton</span> suddenly dashed in,
+and, with back-handed stroke at <span class="sc">Wolmer</span>, went for
+the <i>Times</i> who had adopted and improved upon the
+Viscount's genial remarks. Assault admirably planned;
+carried on with irresistible vigour, sweeping down
+earlier resistance of <span class="sc">Speaker</span>. Showed what <span class="sc">Sexton</span>
+can do when so deeply moved as to forget himself, and
+resist besetting temptation to play the fatal windbag.</p>
+
+<p>An hour-and-half's tussle all round House; at end
+Irish held the field, and, without dissentient voice, <i>Times</i>
+article declared to be "gross and scandalous breach of
+privileges of House."</p>
+
+<p>But the hour and half had passed, and with it <span class="sc">Randolph's</span>
+chance of supreme success. House of Commons,
+though greedy for excitement, will never stand two doses
+in quick succession. After scene like that, which to-night
+filled House with fire and smoke, anything that follows is anti-climax.
+It was a cruel fate, which <span class="sc">Grandolph</span> bore uncomplainingly,
+and fought against with quiet courage. Painfully nervous
+when he broke the silence of two years, the still crowded House had
+difficulty in catching his opening sentences. But, as he went on,
+he recovered himself, and regained mastery over an audience
+evidently eager to welcome his permanent return to position of old
+supremacy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;The Wanderer returned. Slow music. Air&mdash;"<i>Come,
+Kill the fatted Calf.</i>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Saturday</i>, 12:50, <span class="sc">A.M.</span>&mdash;Mr. G. just brought in Home-Rule Bill,
+amid ringing cheers from Ministerialists, who rise to their feet, and
+wildly wave their hats as <span class="sc">Premier</span> passes to table. Been some
+effective speaking on this last night of Debate. <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span>,
+<span class="sc">Blake</span>, and <span class="sc">John Morley</span>, each excellent in varied way. Only
+few Members present to hear <span class="sc">Bodkin</span> insert maiden speech in dinner-hour.
+A remarkable effort, distinguished, among other things, by
+necessity of <span class="sc">Speaker</span> twice interposing, second time with ominous
+threat that <span class="sc">Bodkin</span> could not be tolerated much longer. <span class="sc">Bodkin</span>,
+resuming thread of his discourse, humbly apologised, kept his eye
+(<span class="sc">Bodkin's</span> eye) warily on <span class="sc">Speaker</span>, and, when he saw him preparing
+to rise for third time, abruptly resumed his seat,&mdash;returned
+hurriedly to the needle-case, so to speak,&mdash;and thus avoided worse
+things.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Home-Rule Bill read a First Time.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>REAL "DIPLOMACY."</h2>
+
+<p>No doubt of it! A great diplomatic stroke on the part of
+Mr. <span class="sc">John Hare</span> is this revival of <i>Diplomacy</i>&mdash;<i>i.e.</i>, <span class="sc">Sardou's</span> <i>Dora</i>
+in an English-made dress&mdash;at the Garrick Theatre. An unequivocal
+success (of which more "in our next") on Saturday night for everybody;
+and, after the Play was over, the audience, inspired by
+"the gods," called Mr. and Mrs. <span class="sc">Bancroft</span> before the curtain.
+Mrs. <span class="sc">Bancroft</span>, in the course of an admirable little speech, said,
+"If I stood here till next week, I should not be able to express all I
+feel." Now as, by the right time, it was exactly 11:54 <span class="sc">P.M.</span> <i>Saturday
+night</i>, this clever lady would certainly <i>not</i> have been able in the
+time to express all she felt, or to say all she would have liked to say,
+seeing there were only six minutes left before "next week" began.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/096.png"><img width="100%" src="images/096.png" alt="" /></a><h3>"GOING FOR THE TIMES!"&mdash;CHARGE OF "MERCENARIES."</h3>
+
+<p>"Once more unto the breach (of privilege) dear Friends!"&mdash;<i>Henry the Fifth</i>, Act iii. s. 1.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE OLD FRENCHMAN AND THE YOUNG.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>After a Well-known Original.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"You are old, '<i>Le Grand Fran&ccedil;ais</i>,'" the young Frank said,</p>
+<p class="i2">"And your hair has become very white.</p>
+<p>Yet the Judges award you five years, it is said&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">I can't think, at your age, it's quite right."</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Such Gaul gratitude, boy!" <i>Le Grand Fran&ccedil;ais</i> replied,</p>
+<p class="i2">"As it brightens history's page;</p>
+<p>In my youth I served France, was her boast and her pride;</p>
+<p class="i2">And France has forgotten my age."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"I hear," said Mrs. R., "that there is some question of real or
+sham Constables at Burlington House. Why not refer it to the
+Chief Commissioner of Police?"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>Sad, but True.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Your journalist may be a scribe of sense, or comicality,</p>
+<p class="i2">Avoiding the sensational, the silly, and the shoppy;</p>
+<p>But he can never make a claim to true originality,</p>
+<p class="i2">His contributions always being recognised as "copy."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><font size="+1">&#x261e;</font>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
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+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 104, FEBRUARY 25, 1893***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 22486-h.txt or 22486-h.zip *******</p>
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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104,
+February 25, 1893, by Various, Edited by Francis Burnand
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, February 25, 1893
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: September 1, 2007  [eBook #22486]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 104, FEBRUARY 25, 1893***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 22486-h.htm or 22486-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/4/8/22486/22486-h/22486-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/4/8/22486/22486-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 104.
+
+FEBRUARY 25, 1893.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+MIXED NOTIONS.
+
+No. V.--AGRICULTURAL DEPRESSION.
+
+(_Scene and Persons as usual._)
+
+_First Well-informed Man._ There hasn't been much in this debate on the
+Addresses.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Oh. I don't know. They've promised a pretty big list of
+measures. How they're going to find time for the lot I can't make out.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_contemptuously_). Yes, that's always the way with these
+Governments. They all talk mighty big at the beginning of the Session, and
+then, at the end, they've done nothing, absolutely nothing; at least,
+nothing that's any good to anybody. Parliament's getting to be nothing but
+a bear-garden. The House won't be a fit place for a gentleman to be seen in
+soon.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_spitefully_). You didn't seem to think it would be such
+a bad place for one gentleman, about eight months ago. You were after a
+constituency yourself, weren't you?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Well, and what if I was? I told you at the time why I
+thought of standing. I thought I could do some good, but I precious soon
+found they were a miserable lot, so I made 'em my bow. "Gentlemen," I said,
+"you can worry it out among yourselves, and, when you've agreed, you can
+let me know."
+
+_Second W. I. M._ And they never did let you know, did they? Went and
+elected another Johnny. Deuced bad taste I call it.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_creating a diversion_). Look here, I say, what's all this talk
+about Agricultural Depression? What does it mean?
+
+_First W. I. M._ What does it mean! Why, my dear chap, I should have
+thought that any schoolboy knew that our agriculture is being simply
+ruined. If things go on like this, we shan't have a farmer left. They're
+all on the verge of bankruptcy.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_doggedly_). I daresay you're right; but, anyhow, I know, when
+I was at Chilborough, the other day, I saw a lot of farmers about, and they
+looked pretty fat and comfortable. That's why I can't make out what it all
+means.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_resignedly_). Well, I suppose I must explain it all,
+from the very beginning. The first point is, we've got Free Trade, and the
+farmers want Protection; and old GLADSTONE and all the rest of them say
+they're not to have it. Well, that isn't likely to put the farmers in a
+good temper, is it? Then, of course, the Americans, and the Russians, and
+the Indians see their chance, and they send ship-loads of food into this
+country, and the taxes have to be paid all the same by our farmers.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_interrupting_). What taxes?
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_flustered_). I wish you wouldn't break in just as I'm
+trying to make things clear. Why, the taxes on food, of course.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ There aren't any taxes on food.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Oh, indeed! Well, then, how do you explain Free Trade, and
+rent, and all that?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Now you're getting a bit nearer. It's all a question of
+rent. Free Trade's got absolutely nothing to do with it. What we want in
+this country is a Sliding-scale.
+
+_Inquirer._ What's a Sliding-scale?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_taken between wind and water_). A Sliding-scale? Let me
+see--it's very difficult to put these things shortly. A Sliding-scale is
+a----well, it's a sort of patent mechanical contrivance for weighing out
+things, so as to make it fairer than ordinary scales do. (_Plunges
+recklessly._) You can make it slide up or down, you know, and fix it at any
+point you like.
+
+_Inquirer._ Really! What a rum-looking thing it must be. Have you ever seen
+one?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Oh yes. They've got two or three in every big town.
+
+_Average Man._ When did you last see it?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_suspiciously_). Oh, I haven't seen one for some time.
+It _may_ perhaps be a _little_ different now.
+
+_Average Man._ Ah! [_A pause._
+
+_Inquirer._ I see the Government's going to have an inquiry about
+Agricultural Distress. How are they going to work it?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Royal Commission, of course.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ No, no. It's going to be a Select Committee.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Well, what is the difference?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Surely _you_ know that. They only have Royal Commissions
+for labour and that sort of thing. Committees don't get any pay, you know.
+
+_Inquirer._ Of course. I ought to have remembered that. But who's this Lord
+WINCHILSEA AND NOTTINGHAM, who's cutting about the country, talking about
+agriculture! What does he know about it? I don't seem to recollect his
+name.
+
+_First W. I. M._ He's a Peer.
+
+_Inquirer._ Yes, I know that; but why do they call him Lord WINCHILSEA
+_and_ NOTTINGHAM?
+
+_Average Man._ Because that's his name. [_A pause._
+
+_Inquirer_ (_resuming_). But what is he driving at?
+
+_First W. I. M._ He's got hold of the right end of the stick. It's just
+this way. (_To_ Inquirer, _who winces under the imputation_.) You're a
+foreign country, and I'm a British farmer. Well, you grow your corn for
+nothing, and then you chuck it into my markets. Well, what I want to know
+is, where do I come in? You may call that Free Trade, if you like--I call
+it ruin. The result is, I'm smashed up, and the whole country goes to the
+devil!
+
+_Second W. I. M._ But you ought to consider the consumer.
+
+_First W. I. M._ What do you mean by the consumer?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Why, myself, for instance. I get the benefit of it.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Ah, you may _think_ you do, but you don't really. In the
+end you've all to pay more for everything.
+
+_Average Man._ Well, I'm pretty happy as things are.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Oh, of course--and you'd let the land go out of
+cultivation. That's mere selfishness.
+
+_Inquirer._ How's that? Can't they work the land now?
+
+_First W. I. M._ What a question! Of course they can't.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_anxiously_). But I've seen 'em ploughing a bit lately.
+
+_First W. I. M._ My dear Sir, they do it just to occupy time--they must do
+something.
+
+_Inquirer._ Of course--of course. [_Terminus._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RESOURCES OF CIVILISATION.
+
+_M.P._ (_apostrophising ruined hat_). "VERY WELL, THEN, NEXT TIME THERE'S
+GOING TO BE A RUSH, I'LL BRING A JAPANNED TIN HAT CHARGED WITH
+ELECTRICITY--THEN LET HIM SIT ON IT!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our amiable old friend, Mrs. R., came across a book entitled _Playthings
+and Parodies_, by BARRY PAIN. "Oh, I _must_ buy _that_!" she exclaimed.
+"I've seen him so often in the Pantomime at Drury Lane! And fancy his being
+an Author, too! But I don't so much wonder at it, because I remember that,
+when I was a little girl, there was a celebrated Shakspearian Clown at
+Astley's called BARRY, and he sailed in a tub drawn by geese down the
+Thames, and there was a wonderful Pantomime actor of the name of PAIN. And
+now this talented gentleman turns out to be an Author as well!!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RETURN OF "GRANDOLPH" THE WANDERER! "BE IT EVER SO HUMBLE,
+THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE EVIDENCE OF WEALTH.
+
+"AND WHO LIVES IN THE BIG HOUSE OPPOSITE?"
+
+"MR. FLINDERS, SIR,--AND MRS. FLINDERS,--THE OLD VETERINARY SURGEON AND HIS
+WIFE."
+
+"THEY MUST BE PRETTY WELL OFF, I SHOULD THINK, TO LIVE IN A HOUSE LIKE
+THAT?"
+
+"OH YES, SIR, VERY RICH INDEED. WHY, THEY 'AD A GOLDEN WEDDING THERE, THE
+WEEK BEFORE LAST!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FINALITY.
+
+     ["He was one of those who believed that, even in the ordinary
+     legislation of the House, and still more in a measure of such
+     complexity, it was the utmost folly to talk of finality!"--_Mr. J.
+     Redmond the Home-Rule Bill._]
+
+  Are our sage legislators, then, set upon finding
+  A measure that's "final, conclusive, and binding,"
+  As lawyer-phrase puts it? They might as well try
+  To fix dawn in the East, or nail clouds to the sky!
+  There's nothing that's "final" in infinite time,
+  That great, goalless, measureless race-course sublime?
+  In which relays of runners must keep up the race?
+  There's nothing "conclusive" in limitless space;
+  And "binding" man's soul to his best of to-day
+  For the future of growth, in an absolute way,
+  Were folly as futile as binding an oak
+  To the seedling's first prop, or the sapling's first yoke;
+  For provisional law, not for secular life,
+  Such phrases are fit. Yet to heal age-long strife
+  By the very best "betterment" now in our ken,
+  Till--a better shines forth's the first duty of men.
+  Do right to the height of our sight's actuality!--
+  Yes, that is our best--and our only--Finality!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An odd Advertisement frequently catches our eye. It is "_Dr. Gordon
+Stables's Health Series_." Have the Gordon Stables anything to do with "the
+Gordon Hotels"? If not, why not? as evidently they could work together to
+their mutual benefit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_A History of Medicine_, by Dr. EDWARD BERDOE, is announced as shortly to
+appear. It will be illustrated by a Black (-and-White) draughtsman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DESIGNS FOR MI-CAREME.
+
+(_To be worn as Costumes at the next International Fancy-Dress Ball._)
+
+_The Emperor W-ll-m._--PAUL PRY on Tour.
+
+_The Czar of R-ss-a._--Protection.
+
+_The Sultan of T-rk-y._--Wrecked in Port.
+
+_The Khedive of Eg-y-t._--Young Hopeful.
+
+_The President C-rn-t._--A Dissolving View.
+
+_Prince von B-sm-rck._--The Shadow of the Past.
+
+_Count C-pr-vi._--The Substance of the Future.
+
+_Vicomte de L-ss-ps._--A Lock on the Suez Canal.
+
+_The Pr-m-r._--A Scotch Mixture of HOMER and Home Rule.
+
+_Sir W-ll-m H-rc-t._--The latest of the Plantagenets.
+
+_Mr. J-hn M-rl-y._--"To Dublin from _Pall Mall_."
+
+_Lord R-nd-lph Ch-rch-ll._--The Prodigal Returned.
+
+_Mr. Speaker P-l._--The chucker in.
+
+_Mr. L-b-ch-re._--The Spirit of Te--ruth.
+
+_The Marquis of S-l-sb-ry._--The Irish Emigrant.
+
+_Mr. Arth-r B-lf-r._--Golf surviving Government.
+
+_Mr. H-nry Irv-ng._--A Canterbury Pilgrim.
+
+_Miss Ell-n T-rry._--A NUN, with none like her.
+
+_Mr. J. L. T-le._--A Walker, Running, London and the Provinces.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"I'M MANXIOUS TO KNOW."--The Isle of Man, it appears from Mr. SPENCER
+WALPOLE'S book, has thriven on Home Rule. We all know that Club Land gets
+on very well, Club-law being administered by men only, seeing that men only
+are the governing and governed. But "Home" is the antithesis of the Club,
+and Home Rule, domestically, means Female sovereignty. In the Isle of
+Man-_sans_-Woman there can be no Home Rule properly so called. It must be
+"_Homo Rule_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HOME, SWEET HOME!"
+
+(_Latest Parliamentary Version._)
+
+_Returned Wanderer sings_:--
+
+  'Mid gold-fields and lion-haunts though we may roam,
+  Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home;
+  A charm from the past seems to hallow us there,
+  Which, trot round the globe, you will not meet elsewhere.
+          Home! Home!
+          Sweet, sweet home!
+  Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home!
+
+  An exile from home freedom dazzles in vain;
+  Ah! give me my lowly front-bench seat again.
+  The cheers, sounding sweetly, that come at my call,
+  Give me these, and old pals of mine, dearer than all.
+          Home! Ho-ome!
+          Sweet, sweet home!
+  Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home!
+
+  (_Extra or encore verses on his own account._)
+
+  The first seat was mine, but I forfeited _that_;
+  Will they welcome the waif, kill the calf that is fat?
+  Will dear ARTHUR rejoice to receive his lost chief?
+  Will the Wanderer's return bring regret, or relief?
+          Home! Ho-ome!
+          Sweet, sweet home!
+  Be it ever so humble (_winks_) there's no place like home!
+
+  So _humble_! Oh yes! So seemed David, no doubt,
+  Till he struck at GOLIATH and put him to rout.
+  My giant--his name, too, begins with a G--
+  Braves the whole of our hosts. I--no matter--_we_'ll see.
+          Home! Ho-ome!
+          Sweet, sweet home!
+  Be it ever so humble (_grins_), there's no place like home!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TREATS FOR TOMMY.--"What shall I do to amuse our little boy, aged fourteen,
+when he returns home for Easter Vacation?" Why, certainly improve his mind.
+Procure for him a free admission to the Geological Society, and let him
+hear a paper on "Anthracite and Bituminous Coal-beds," likewise on
+"Inclusions of Tertiary Granite." Take him to the Linnean Society, and
+treat him to a lecture "On the Differentiation of the Protozoan Body
+Microscopically Sectionised." Another evening may be given to "Mosses and
+Sphagnums," not to be confounded with "Moses and Magnums." After this
+little course, he may write to say that during the next vacation he would
+prefer remaining at school.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"I can't drink Champagne," quoth General BOOZER; "it gives me a red nose."
+"No, it won't," replied his medical adviser; "that is, not if you drink
+Pommery and _Grey-nose_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAN FROM BLANKLEY'S.
+
+A STORY IN SCENES.
+
+     SCENE VIII.--_In the Drawing-room--Time, about 10._ Mrs. BODFISH _and_
+     Mrs. DITCHWATER _are talking in confidential undertones on a settee_.
+     Miss BUGLE'S _anxiety concerning her invalid Cockatoo has already
+     obliged her to depart_. Mrs. GILWATTLE _is lecturing her Niece on a
+     couch by the fire, while little_ GWENDOLEN _is in a corner with a
+     Picture-book_.
+
+_Mrs. Bodfish_ (_in a wheezy whisper_). If he had condescended to make
+himself agreeable all round, I shouldn't say a _word_; but to sit there
+talking to that little forward governess, and never an audible word from
+first to last--well, I quite felt for poor dear Mrs. TIDMARSH being so
+neglected at her own table.
+
+_Mrs. Ditch._ Ah, my dear, if she _will_ have the aristocracy to dine with
+her, she must put up with such treatment. I wouldn't stoop to such
+presumption myself. And, if I _did_, I _would_ have a couple of _entrees_,
+and everything carved _off_ the table! He'll go away with such a poor
+opinion of us all!
+
+_Mrs. Bod._ He must have noticed how the vegetable dishes were chipped! And
+I'm sure I was ashamed to see she had put out those old-fashioned doyleys
+with the finger-glasses. I wonder she never thought of getting some new
+ones. I saw some the other day in the Grove, hand-worked, at only
+five-pence three-farthings!
+
+_Mrs. Ditch._ I could see _something_ was weighing on her mind, or she'd
+have talked more to him. What is his title? It sounded like "STRATSPODDLE."
+I must look it out in my Peerage. Would he be an Earl now, or what?
+
+_Mrs. Bod._ I don't expect he's more than a Viscount, if so much. I do
+think she might have _presented_ us to him, though!
+
+_Mrs. Ditch._ It isn't the fashion to introduce, nowadays. But I consider
+we are quite entitled to speak to him, if we get an opportunity--in fact,
+he would think it very odd if we didn't! (_&c., &c._)
+
+_Mrs. Gilwattle._ Well, MARIA, I say, as I said before, don't let it _turn
+your head_, that's all! Depend upon it, this young nobleman isn't so
+affable for nothing. He wouldn't dine with you like this unless he expected
+to get _something_ out of it. What that something may be, you best know!
+
+_Mrs. Tid._ (_to herself_). A guinea, at the very least! (_Aloud._) I'm
+sorry you think my head's so easily turned, Aunt JOANNA! If you'd noticed
+how I behaved to him, you wouldn't say so. Why, I scarcely _spoke_ to the
+man!
+
+_Mrs. Gilw._ I was _watching_ you, MARIA. And sorry I was to see that being
+next to a member of the nobility overawed you to that extent you could
+hardly open your mouth. So unlike your Uncle GABRIEL!
+
+_Mrs. Tid._ (_hurt at this injustice_). Overawed, indeed! I'm sure it was
+no satisfaction to _me_ to see him here! No, Aunt the only people I welcome
+at _my_ table are those in my own rank of life--relations and old friends
+like you and the others. And how you can think I was dazzled by a trumpery
+title when I sent him in with the Governess----!
+
+_Mrs. Gil._ Ah, you make too much of that girl, MARIA. I've noticed it, and
+_others_ have noticed it. She takes too much upon herself! The _idea_ of
+letting her forbid GWENDOLEN to recite--no wonder your authority over the
+child is weakened! I should have _insisted_ on obedience.
+
+[Illustration: Mrs. Gilwattle rises slowly, bristling with indignation.]
+
+_Mrs. Tid._ (_roused_). I hope I know how to make my own child obey me.
+GWENDOLEN, come out of that corner. Put down your book. (GWEN. _obeys_.) I
+wish you to repeat something to your Auntie--what you refused to say
+downstairs--_you_ know what I mean!
+
+_Gwen._ Do you mean the thing Miss SEATON said I wasn't to, because you'd
+be angry?
+
+_Mrs. Tid._ (_majestically_). Miss SEATON had no business to know whether I
+should be angry or not. She is only your Governess--_I_ am your Mother. And
+I shall be extremely angry if you don't repeat it at once--in fact, I shall
+send you off to bed. So you can choose for yourself.
+
+_Gwen._ I don't want to go to bed ... I'll tell, if I may whisper it.
+
+_Mrs. Tid._ Well, if you are too shy to speak out loud, you _may_ whisper.
+You see, Aunt, I am not _quite_ such a cipher as you fancied!
+
+     [GWEN. _puts her mouth to_ Mrs. GILWATTLE'S _ear, and proceeds to
+     whisper_.
+
+
+     SCENE IX.--_Breakfast-room--Time, the same as in the foregoing Scene._
+     Mr. TIDMARSH, _after proposing to "join the ladies," much to the
+     relief of_ Lord STRATHSPORRAN, _has brought him in here on the
+     transparent pretext of showing him a picture_.
+
+_Mr. Tid._ (_carefully closing the door_). I only just wanted to tell you
+that I don't at all like the way you've been going on. It's not my wish to
+make complaints, but there _is_ a limit!
+
+_Lord Strath._ (_hotly_). There _is_--you're very near it now, Sir! (_To
+himself._) If I quarrel with this little beggar, I shan't see MARJORY!
+(_Controlling his temper._) Perhaps you'll kindly let me know what you
+complain of?
+
+_Mr. Tid._ Well, why couldn't you say you didn't smoke when my Uncle
+offered you one of his cigars? You must have felt me kick you under the
+table!
+
+_Lord. Strath._ I did--distinctly. But I gave you credit for its being
+accidental. And, if you wish to know, I said I smoked because I do. I don't
+see why you should expect me to _lie_ about it!
+
+_Mr. Tid._ I don't agree with you. I consider you ought to have had more
+tact, after the hint I gave you.
+
+_Lord Strath._ It didn't occur to me that you were trying to kick _tact_
+into me. And, naturally, when I saw your Uncle about to smoke----
+
+_Mr. Tid._ That was different, as you might have known. Why, _one_ cigar is
+as much as my wife can stand!
+
+_Lord Strath._ You--er--wouldn't wish her to smoke _more_ than one, surely?
+
+_Mr. Tid._ (_outraged_). My wife smoke! Never did such a thing in her life!
+She don't allow _me_ to smoke. She wouldn't allow Mr. GILWATTLE if he
+wasn't her Uncle. And I can tell you, when she comes down in the morning,
+and finds the curtains smelling of smoke, and hears you were the _other_, I
+shall catch it!
+
+_Lord Strath._ Sorry for you--but if you had only made your kick a trifle
+more explanatory----
+
+_Mr. Tid._ That's not _all_, Sir. When you saw me and my Uncle engaged in
+talking business, what did you cut in for with a cock-and-bull story about
+the Boxing Kangaroo being formed into a Limited Company, and say the
+Kangaroo was going to join the Board after allotment? You couldn't really
+believe the beast was eligible as a Director--an _animal_, Sir!
+
+_Lord Strath._ Why not? They have _guinea-pigs_ on the Board occasionally,
+don't they? But of course it was only a joke.
+
+_Mr. Tid._ You weren't _asked_ to make jokes. My Uncle doesn't understand
+'em--no more do I, Sir!
+
+_Lord Strath._ No, I gathered that. (_Breaking out._) Confound it all, Sir,
+what do you mean by this? If you didn't want me, why couldn't you tell me
+so? You knew it before _I_ did! I don't understand your peculiar ideas of
+hospitality. I've kept my temper as long as I could; but, dash it all, if
+you force me to speak out, I will!
+
+_Mr. Tid._ (_alarmed_). No, no, I--I meant no offence--you won't go and let
+everything out now! It was a mistake, that's all--and there's no harm done.
+You got your _dinner_ all right, didn't you? By the way, talking of that,
+can you give me any idea what they'll charge me for this, eh? What's the
+_regular_ thing now?
+
+_Lord Strath._ (_to himself_). Extraordinary little bounder--wants me to
+price his dinner for him! (_Aloud._) Couldn't give a guess!
+
+_Mr. Tid._ Well, considering I sent round and all that, I think they ought
+to make _some_ reduction--y'know. But _you_'ve nothing to do with that, eh?
+I'm to settle up with BLANKLEY'S?
+
+_Lord Strath._ I should say he would prefer your doing so--but it's really
+no business of mine, and--er--it's getting rather late----
+
+_Mr. Tid._ (_opening the door_). There, we'll go up. And look here, _do_
+try and be a bit stiffer with my Uncle. It's too bad the way he goes on
+my-lording you, y'know. You shouldn't encourage him!
+
+_Lord Strath._ I wasn't aware I _did_. (_To himself._) Trying, this. But
+never mind, I shall see MARJORY in another minute!
+
+_Mr. Tid._ (_to himself_). The _airs_ these chaps give themselves! Oh, lor,
+there's Uncle GABRIEL hooking on to him _again_. If he only knew! [_He
+follows them upstairs uneasily._
+
+
+     SCENE X.--_In the Drawing-room_; GWENDOLEN _is still whispering in_
+     Mrs. GILWATTLE'S _ear_.
+
+_Mrs. Gilw._ Eh? You're tickling my ear, child--don't come so close.
+Louder. Yes, go on. "Sat next to him at dinner?" _Well_, what _about_
+him?... _What?_... What's the child talking about now?... "A gentleman out
+of BLANKLEY'S shop"!! "Hired for the evening"!!! Let her alone, MARIA, _I_
+know who's telling the truth! So _this_ is your precious Nobleman, is it?
+Oh, the _deceit_ of it all!
+
+     [_The door opens, and_ Uncle GABRIEL _enters, clinging affectionately
+     to_ Lord STRATHSPORRAN'S _arm_.
+
+_Uncle Gab._ And when I take a fancy to a young fellow, my Lord, I don't
+allow any social prejudices to stand in the way. I should say just the same
+if you were a mere nobody. We ought to see _more_ of one another. I should
+esteem it a distinguished favour if you'd honour me and my wife by dropping
+in to a little dinner some evening; no ceremony; just a few quiet pleasant
+people like ourselves. We'll see if we can't fix a day with my wife.
+
+     [_He steers him across to_ Mrs. GILWATTLE.
+
+_Lord Strath._ (_to himself_). Now, how the deuce am I going to get out of
+_this_? And what have they done with MARJORY?
+
+_Uncle Gab._ JOANNA, my love, I've been telling his Lordship here how
+delighted and honoured we should be to see him at dinner some----
+
+     [Mrs. GILWATTLE _rises slowly, bristling with indignation, and glares
+     speechlessly at the unconscious_ Lord STRATHSPORRAN, _while_ Mrs.
+     TIDMARSH _vainly attempts to appease her, as her husband and the other
+     men enter. Tableau._
+
+_End of Scene X._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"At the Window."
+
+  In dull days of sensational horrors, and wild would-be humorous hums,
+  What delight to fly darkness, and watch the "Auld Licht," from "_A Window
+            in Thrums_"!
+  Let pessimists potter and pule, and let savages slaughter and harry;
+  Give me _Hendry_, and _Tammas_, and _Jess_, and a smile, and a tear born
+            of BARRIE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"The French," says Mrs. R., "have been shown up in a very queer light by
+all these Panama candles."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HOUSE THAT BILL (SYKES) BURGLED.
+
+(Namely, that of Messrs. WALTER CROSS & CO., Jewellers, 8, Holywell Street,
+Strand, as narrated in the _Times_ of the 16th inst.)
+
+This is the House that BILL burgled.
+
+This is the window, plastered with brown-paper and treacle, and then
+broken, belonging to the House that BILL burgled.
+
+This is the rope-ladder, attached to the window, plastered with brown-paper
+and treacle, &c.
+
+This is the show-case, reached by way of the rope-ladder attached to the
+window, plastered with brown-paper and treacle, &c.
+
+This is the "burglar-alarm," lately connected with the show-case, reached
+by way of the rope-ladder, attached to the window, &c.
+
+This is the bell that belonged to the "burglar-alarm," lately connected
+with the show-case, &c.
+
+This is the wire that rang the bell, that belonged to the "burglar-alarm,"
+lately connected with the show-case, &c.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+This is the telephone that communicated with Bloomsbury, set in motion by
+the bell, rung by the wire, &c.
+
+This is the dog who barked at the bell, agitated by the telephone that
+communicated with Bloomsbury, &c.
+
+This is the man unshaven, unshorn, aroused from his sleep in the early morn
+by the dog who barked at the bell, &c.
+
+These are the "Bobbies," all forlorn, called on by the man unshaven,
+unshorn, aroused from his sleep in the early morn, by the dog who barked at
+the bell, &c.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+And this is the burglar, smiling in scorn, who escaped by the rope-ladder,
+window-sill-borne, and evaded the Bobbies all forlorn, called on by the
+man, unshaven, unshorn, aroused from his sleep in the early morn, by the
+dog who barked at the bell, agitated by the telephone, set in motion by the
+wire, attached to the burglar-alarm, connected with the show-case, reached
+by way of the rope-ladder, hooked to the window, plastered with brown-paper
+and treacle, belonging to the House that BILL burgled.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTIONS FOR RIDE PARK.
+
+"Many improvements," the _Daily News_ writes, "in the arrangement of the
+Parks in the West End" have been made. Have they? Perhaps visible to the
+eye assisted by _Mr. Weller's_ "pair o' patent double million magnifyin'
+gas microscopes of hextra power." But why, for the hundredth time we ask,
+and every equestrian asks as well, why aren't rides made across Kensington
+Gardens from Princes' Gate to Bayswater? Beautiful rides they would be
+under the trees, and thus varying the wearisome monotony of the round and
+round squirrel-in-a-cage sort of routine exercise, to which the Rotten-Row
+Riders are purgatorially bound. Also, why not a ride right across Hyde Park
+from the Achilles Statue to an exit facing about Albion Street, Bayswater?
+What difficulties can there be which a First Commissioner of Works
+representing an actively Liberal and Progressive policy could not carry out
+for the benefit of the Mounted Liver Brigade and the Light Cavalry?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Old Father Thames is still rather dirty. We often hear of "The Thames
+Basin." Why doesn't Father Thames use it,--with soap? What a chance here
+for a P**rs' advertisement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FROM THE EMERALD ISLE.
+
+"JUST MAKE IT A COUPLE OF SHILLINGS, CAPTAIN DEAR!"--"NO!" "EIGHTEENPENCE
+THEN, MAJOR!"--"NO!"
+
+"OCH THIN, COLONEL DARLING, JUST THREPPENCE FOR A GLASS O'
+WHISKEY!"--"_NO_, I TELL YOU!"
+
+"GIT OUT WID YE THIN, YE BOA CONSHTHRUCTOR, SURE AN' I KNOW'D YE ALL THE
+TOIME!"
+
+     [_N.B._--_The Fare is the Head of an eminent Firm of Furriers in
+     Kilconan Street, and cultivates a martial appearance._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BIG LION AMONG THE LITTLE 'UNS.
+
+"Daniel in the Lions' Den" will occur to many on reading how HENRY IRVING
+ventured into and actually dined as the distinguished guest of a society
+styling itself "The Playgoers' Club." But after all, whether these were
+real leonine cubs, or only "lions stuffed with straw," the Real Lion of the
+evening was the Daniel come to Judgment, HENRY IRVING, who, having partaken
+of the "chicken and champagne," and acknowledged the goodness thereof, gave
+them the less smooth side of his own tongue with charming frankness.
+
+"I do not hesitate to tell you," purred the Lion, sweetly, "that there have
+been times when the genius of frankness which possesses the Club"--he did
+not allude to the existence among them of any other sort of genius--"has
+not appeared to be allied with the finest discrimination. (_Laughter._)"
+
+Yes--the poor little Lions laughed--it was all they could do, unless they
+had whimpered, and promised not to offend again. It must have been a
+delightful evening. To what other banquets will our leading Histrion be
+invited? To the Pittites' Club Dinner? To the Wreckers' Banquet? Will he be
+entertained by the Dissentient Gallery-Boys' Club, and finish up with a
+supper strictly confined to the upper Circles' Society? Instead of "Give
+your orders, Gents--the Waiter's in the room!" of old days, the Chairman
+will probably advise the enterprising Playgoers to "Ask for 'orders,'
+Gents--the Manager's in the room." However, if these heaven-born dramatic
+critics occasionally hear a few words of good advice from so honest a guest
+as HENRY IRVING, such gatherings may perhaps serve some useful purpose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Gladstone's Aside on the Irish Members.
+
+  You are, in faith, like women--divil doubt you!--
+  For "there's no living with you, or without you."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VERY BAD DRAINAGE.--Because the London School Board built schools with
+defective drainage, the London Ratepayers are to be mulcted in L250,000. A
+nice drain this on our pockets!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE POLITE SPEAKER.
+
+(_Intended for the use of courteous Members of Parliament._)
+
+_Question._ I trust you quite acknowledge that strong language is
+absolutely unnecessary in Westminster?
+
+_Answer._ Quite, especially when a compensating description can be found
+for every suitable term of abuse.
+
+_Q._ You grasp the idea. How would you describe NERO fiddling during the
+burning of Rome?
+
+_A._ I should say that he was a musician with a turn for pleasing
+variations.
+
+_Q._ Very good. And how would you speak of GUY FAUX on the eve of blowing
+up the House of Commons?
+
+_A._ An experimentalist who would have been a useful lecturer upon
+chemistry at the Royal Institution.
+
+_Q._ And could you refer to _Blue Beard_ after the discovery of the cause
+of his last widowerhood without giving offence?
+
+_A._ Yes; as a married man who objected on principle to the Mormon practice
+of being wedded to more than one wife at a time.
+
+_Q._ Yes. And what would you say of MARIE DE MEDICIS, who is reported to
+have fired at the Huguenots from the Louvre?
+
+_A._ I should say that her late Majesty took such an interest in field
+sports, as nowadays would have secured her election to the Gun Club.
+
+_Q._ And, lastly, were you asked to describe HENRY THE EIGHTH after he had
+slaughtered most of his wives, plundered all the monasteries, and
+imprisoned or executed many of his subjects, what would you call him?
+
+_A._ Without hesitation I should refer to him as "an excited politician."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CONTINUOUS-SOUNDING MACHINES."--Lots of 'em on view in the House of
+Commons. But, for the genuine article, consult a "Colomb" of the _Times_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"I love those cradle-songs," said Mrs. R. "The other day I heard--I forget
+who it was--sing a most charming _alibi_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LULLABY.
+
+  NURSE G. (_sings_). "'O HUSH THEE, MY BABY,
+  TAKE REST WHILE YOU MAY'"----
+
+  (_To himself._) "AND NOW I MUST GO AND LOOK AFTER THE OTHERS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+TO SERAPHINE.
+
+  Through happy years, that number now I ween
+  A dozen, or--to be correct--thirteen,
+  My comfortable better-half you've been,
+          O SERAPHINE!
+
+  The ups and downs of life we two have seen--
+  From Camberwell, of stucco-fronted mien,
+  To quaintly-decorated Turnham Green,
+          O SERAPHINE!
+
+  Till Grandma's money came with golden sheen,
+  You lent a hand at SARAH'S weekly clean,
+  And did not tilt your nose at margarine,
+          O SERAPHINE!
+
+  And now that I've been made a Rural Dean,
+  Your figure is no longer slim, my Queen;
+  You'd scarcely make a graceful _ballerine_,
+          O SERAPHINE!
+
+  But after dinner as you doze each e'en,
+  From your disjointed mutterings I glean
+  Your mind is running on a crinoline,
+          O SERAPHINE!
+
+  Oh, let me not appear to speak with spleen--
+  Yet pause!--nor go to Madame ANTONINE
+  To get yourself a--_you know what I mean_,
+          O SERAPHINE!
+
+  For if that huge and hideous machine
+  Should thrust its bilious bulginess between
+  A blameless couple, such as we have been,
+          My SERAPHINE,
+
+  I will not condescend to make a "scene,"
+  But--if you needs _must_ have your crinoline--
+  Good-bye!--you cannot have your Rural Dean,
+          O SERAPHINE!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DER COPHETUALISCHEHOCHZEITVEREIN.
+
+     ["In Vienna a Club has been formed among young men of fashion for the
+     encouragement of marriage with poor girls."--_James Payn, in
+     "Illustrated News."_]
+
+  O youth of Wien, what does this mean?
+    Can you forget you are
+  All _hochgeboren_ as of yore
+    Was King COPHETUA?
+
+  To wed a lot of girls _sans dot_
+    Is strange, and yet you are
+  No more afraid of beggar maid
+    Than King COPHETUA.
+
+  But if you break the vow you take,
+    And dowries get, you are
+  A thousand pound to forfeit bound,
+    Which beats COPHETUA.
+
+  So you by stealth can't marry wealth,
+    Not if in debt you are;
+  But, as we see, resemble the
+    Late King COPHETUA.
+
+  O men elsewhere, Mammas declare
+    How hard to net you are!
+  You can't be led poor girls to wed
+    Like King COPHETUA.
+
+  Consider, then, these noble men,
+    And you'll regret you are
+  Unmarried still, and quickly will
+    Do like COPHETUA!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUT A STOP TO IT!--A Correspondent, signing himself "O'NOODLE," asks, "What
+does this mean? See Cook's _Guide-Book to Paris_, page 23:--'Visitors
+should take the precautions against pickpockets recommended by the
+Administration.'" A comma or a dash after "precautions," and another after
+"pickpockets," or put pickpockets into brackets--handcuff 'em, in fact--and
+then O'NOODLE will get at the sense of the paragraph.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DOLE-FUL PROSPECT.
+
+_Easter._--Wonder what the effect of the BISHOP'S appeal to the "loyal
+laity," to come down heavily with Easter Offerings to the Clergy, will be?
+Rather an exciting day for me. Hard-up is not the word for my condition at
+present. Can't keep myself, and have to keep a Gardener and a Curate!
+
+A lot of cast-off clothes arrive from "A SYMPATHETIC PARISHIONER!" How
+degrading! Wish BISHOP OF WORCESTER hadn't said that he knew a Clergyman
+who stayed in bed because he had no decent clothes to wear. Congregation
+seem to think he meant _me_! Two blankets, and a rig-out of "Cellular
+under-clothing," from "CHURCH DEFENCE," addressed to "Our Beloved but
+Impoverished Incumbent." Quite insulting! Give blankets to Gardener, and
+send the Cellular things to Curate, as his tendencies are distinctly
+monastic.
+
+Letter from a Newmarket Bookmaker! Says he hears I'm in want of Easter
+Offerings, so he offers to "put me on to a good thing for the Derby." I am,
+apparently, to forward him a L5 note, and he returns me L50 "without fail."
+Tempting, but haven't got a L5 note to send.
+
+Arrival at my quiet Vicarage of a donkey, a cow, two pigs, and a dozen
+barndoor fowls! Perhaps, in honour of the pigs, I might call this a "sow
+Easter!" The whole menagerie sent by neighbouring farmers. Wish they'd send
+me arrears of rent for glebe instead; yet I daren't ask for them. Evidently
+intended as Easter "gifts in kind;" but not the kind I want. Send donkey on
+to Curate, and tether cow in back-yard, not having a field. Pigs
+temporarily accommodated in back kitchen. Cook threatens to give notice.
+
+Church. Offertory goes to _me_ to-day! Don't half like it. Feel like a
+schoolboy expecting to be tipped. Curate rather glum. Finds he thinks my
+sending the donkey to him was meant to insult him. When I assure him it
+wasn't, he cheers up, and says he'll hold the plate. Does so. Seems very
+heavy. Curate distinctly winks at me, which is against the Rubrics, no
+doubt, but still seems to be an augury of happy tidings about the sum
+collected. On his way to Vestry, Curate whispers to me "Two-fifty!" What
+does he mean? Is it two fifty pounds, or shillings? It's neither--it's
+_pence_! Really, if this is all the "loyal laity" can do, I may as well
+disestablish myself.
+
+Best Easter Offering of all comes by post. Offer of position as
+Under-Cashier in a firm of eminent Bone-boilers. Write to accept offer with
+thanks. Better to boil bones for other people than to have all the flesh
+taken off my own.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW COINAGE.
+
+  Art will now adorn our purses,
+    Hitherto an artless place;
+  More than pictures, songs, or verses,
+    This should elevate the race.
+
+  Is it safe to be prophetic?
+    Will the miser, once abused,
+  Be considered quite aesthetic,
+    With the connoisseur confused?
+
+  Will the banker, grown artistic,
+    Talk a jargon new and strange?
+  Will this feeling, subtle, mystic,
+    Even reach the Stock Exchange?
+
+  Will it from the City banish
+    Dress that artists should eschew?
+  Will the hallowed "topper" vanish,
+    And the frock-coat fade from view?
+
+  Will the cabman now be willing,
+    After driving half a mile,
+  To accept a high-art shilling,
+    Not with oaths, but with a smile?
+
+  Will the porter at the station
+    While his thanks pause on his lip,
+  Gaze in silent admiration
+    At the beauty of his tip?
+
+  "Music hath," so CONGREVE stated,
+    "Charms to soothe the savage breast";
+  Numismatic art is fated
+    May be to be likewise blest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NAILED!
+
+(_Lord Dufferin and the Gallic Vermin._)
+
+     [At the Annual Dinner of the British Chamber of Commerce in Paris,
+     Lord DUFFERIN took occasion to refer trenchantly, but temperately, to
+     the long series of calumnies lately directed against him by certain
+     sections of the French Press.]
+
+  Yes, DUFFERIN, yes, the Reptile Press
+    Is not confined to realms Teutonic.
+  You squelch it--could you well do less?--
+    With an urbanity fine, ironic.
+  France is too chivalrous, too polite,
+    To back these crawlers, venomous, "varment"!--
+  But our Ambassador does quite right
+    To--brush them lightly from his garment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "Plucky" Answer.
+
+_Q._ Who was PROCRUSTES? What was the Bed of PROCRUSTES?
+
+_A._ He was an ancient philosopher who never would get up in the morning.
+Hence the word for a person who puts off or delays; viz., "One who
+Procrustinates."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WHITTINGTON RECORD BROKEN.--"Mr. HURST," _The Athenaeum_ gossip informs
+us, "has been four times Mayor of Bedford." He ought to be perfect in the
+part, for certainly it has been well _re-hearsed_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, February 13._--House filled from floor to
+topmost range of gallery. Terrible rumour that it is also peopled
+underneath. Members sitting on two front benches evidently restless through
+opening passages of Mr. G.'s speech. Weird whispering heard, apparently
+rising from boots of FIRST LORD of the TREASURY. GRANDOLPH pricks up his
+ears; fancies he recognises voice familiar in Harley Street. First thought,
+whispered commentary must come from Ladies' Gallery. Right Hon. Gentlemen
+look up, and conclude it is too remote. Besides, Ladies _never_ talk in the
+Gallery.
+
+"Moreover than which," said FERGUSSON, staring stolidly at open network of
+iron floor, "it comes from quite different quarter."
+
+[Illustration: GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS TAKING THEIR SEATS,
+MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 1893.]
+
+Even Mr. G., absorbed as he was with great topic, evidently noticed the odd
+state of things, for towards end of magnificent speech he dropped his voice
+right down through the grating into the chamber below, so that Strangers in
+distant Gallery lost the purport of his words. Above-board--or rather above
+iron grating--House presented spectacle worthy of occasion. Last time
+anything like it seen was in April, 1886, when first Home-Rule Bill
+introduced. Singularly like it this afternoon, with chairs blocking the
+floor in fashion to which LORD-CHAMBERLAIN, looking down from Peers'
+Gallery, admitted he would not permit in any other theatre. Side-galleries
+filled; Members thronging Bar, sharing the steps of SPEAKER'S Chair,
+peeping round from behind its recess, sitting on the Gangway steps. The
+Lords' Gallery thronged, with somewhat disorderly fringe of Viscounts
+jostling each other on the steps. Not an inch of room to spare in the
+Diplomatic Gallery, whilst happy strangers rose tier beyond tier on the
+benches behind. Over the clock H.R.H., _debonnaire_ as usual, able to
+extract fullest pleasure and interest out of passing moment. By his side,
+his son and heir; not the one who sat there on the April night nine years
+ago, but the younger brother, with Cousin MAY facing him through the
+_grille_ of Ladies' Gallery. Many other gaps filled up on floor of House,
+the biggest those created by the flitting of BRIGHT and PARNELL.
+
+The figure at table answering to Speaker's call, the "FIRST LORD of the
+TREASURY" is the same, though different. Marvellously little different,
+considering all that has passed since '86, and remembering the weight of
+added years when they come on top of fourscore. Scantier the hair, paler
+the face and more furrowed; but the form still erect, the eye flashing, the
+right hand beating vigorously, as of yore, on the long-suffering box; the
+voice even better than it was for a certain period towards close of 1880
+Parliament; the mental vision as clear; the fancy as luxuriant; the logic
+as irresistible; the musical swing of the stately sentences as harmonious.
+For two hours and a quarter, unfaltering, unfailing, Mr. G. held the
+unrivalled audience entranced, and sat down amid a storm of cheering,
+looking almost as fresh as the posy in his button-hole.
+
+_Business done._--Mr. G. introduces Home-Rule Bill.
+
+_Tuesday._--COLONEL SAUNDERSON going about to-day just as if nothing had
+happened yesterday. _But something did._ Little misunderstanding arose in
+connection with appropriation of a Seat. The Colonel, of course, in the row
+at the door of the House, between eleven and noon. Two hundred Members
+waiting to get in as soon as doors opened. "Nothing like it seen in
+civilised world since the rush for Oklahoma," says Lord PLAYFAIR, who has
+been in the United States. "Then, you remember, the intending settlers,
+gathering from all parts, bivouacked on line marked by military, and on
+appointed day, at fixed hour, at sound of gun, made the dash into the
+Promised Land. Lack some of those particulars here. But the passion just
+the same; equally reckless; every man first, and the Sergeant-at-Arms take
+the hindmost."
+
+PLAYFAIR himself came down two hours later, intending to take his seat in
+Peers' Gallery, but, finding another mob at entrance, almost as turbulent,
+concluded he would not add to the tumult by wrestling with anybody for a
+place in the front rank. So, meeting a Bishop, who had come down with
+similar intent and abandoned endeavour from analogous reason, they went for
+a walk in the Park.
+
+SAUNDERSON not a man of that kind. Thoroughly enjoyed himself for exciting
+three-quarters of hour. Was in first flight of heated and dishevelled
+senators who crossed the Bar when door flung open, and elderly Messenger
+was simultaneously flattened at back of it. SAUNDERSON dropped on to first
+convenient seat; folded his arms; beginning to view the scene when, like
+the person in the pastoral poem, "he heard a voice which said,"--"You're
+sitting on my hat!"
+
+"Well," replied Colonel, genially recognising Irish Member of same
+Province, but another faith, "now you mention it, I thought I did hear
+something crunch." On examination, found remains of hat.
+
+"Come out of my seat!" said the other Ulster man.
+
+"Not at all," said the Colonel.
+
+"Then I'll take you!" said the Ulster man.
+
+"Do so," said the Colonel. Ulster man seized Colonel by collar and coat,
+and tugged violently. Rest of conversation was carried on with the Ulster
+man lying on his back, at full length, partly under his seat. "There was no
+hat here when I arrived," said the Colonel.
+
+[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S HISTORICAL CARTOONS. MR. G.'S ROOM IN THE HOUSE
+OF COMMONS.]
+
+"Then how did it get there?" said the Ulster man, under the seat.
+
+"That's for you to explain," said the Colonel, politely assisting Ulster
+man to rise. "If, when a gentleman is taking his seat, an Hon. Member
+places his hat upon it, accidents will happen."
+
+Ulster man threatens to bring question under notice of SPEAKER. "Begad, I
+hope he will," said the Colonel, smiling grimly. "If you know the
+gentleman, TOBY, tell him I'll keep him in hats through Leap Year if he'll
+only do it. I should like to give the House an unadorned narrative of the
+incident. JOHN ROCHE'S deer-stealing story would be nothing to it."
+
+_Business done._--Debate on Home-Rule Bill.
+
+_Thursday._--GRANDOLPH back again at old post on Front Opposition Bench.
+All the Parliamentary world gathered to greet him. H.R.H. in old familiar
+seat over clock, whence, up to Monday, his pleasant presence had long been
+missed. Not a seat vacant on floor of House. Galleries crammed, whilst,
+through _grille_ of Ladies' Gallery, bright eyes rained influence.
+GRANDOLPH had arranged to resume Debate on Home-Rule Bill; should have come
+on bright and fresh as soon as questions were over. Meanwhile sat on Front
+Opposition Bench, awaiting the signal to dash in. Incessantly playing with
+beard, in fashion that testified to high state of nervousness.
+
+Everything excellently planned, the man, the hour, and the surroundings.
+Only thing forgotten was the dog--dog, you know, that has a little place
+down at Epsom, and turns up on course just as the ranged horses are
+straining at the bit, and the flag is upheld for the fall. On this
+occasion, Irish dog, of course. Introduced in artfullest way. ESMONDE,
+mildest-mannered man that ever whipped for Irish party, casually, as if he
+were inviting him to have a cigarette, asked WOLMER across House whether it
+was true that he had called Irish Members "forty paid mercenaries"? WOLMER,
+an equally well-dressed, civil-spoken young man, smilingly admitted that it
+was quite true he had couched a remark in the terms quoted, but had
+certainly not meant anything offensive to Irish Members. Indeed, general
+aspect of noble Lord, and his tone, suggested feeling of surprise that
+ESMONDE and his friends should not rather have felt complimented by the
+observation challenged.
+
+This turned out to be polite crossing of swords before duel to the death, a
+shaking of hands before deadly set-to without gloves. SEXTON suddenly
+dashed in, and, with back-handed stroke at WOLMER, went for the _Times_ who
+had adopted and improved upon the Viscount's genial remarks. Assault
+admirably planned; carried on with irresistible vigour, sweeping down
+earlier resistance of SPEAKER. Showed what SEXTON can do when so deeply
+moved as to forget himself, and resist besetting temptation to play the
+fatal windbag.
+
+An hour-and-half's tussle all round House; at end Irish held the field,
+and, without dissentient voice, _Times_ article declared to be "gross and
+scandalous breach of privileges of House."
+
+But the hour and half had passed, and with it RANDOLPH'S chance of supreme
+success. House of Commons, though greedy for excitement, will never stand
+two doses in quick succession. After scene like that, which to-night filled
+House with fire and smoke, anything that follows is anti-climax. It was a
+cruel fate, which GRANDOLPH bore uncomplainingly, and fought against with
+quiet courage. Painfully nervous when he broke the silence of two years,
+the still crowded House had difficulty in catching his opening sentences.
+But, as he went on, he recovered himself, and regained mastery over an
+audience evidently eager to welcome his permanent return to position of old
+supremacy.
+
+_Business done._--The Wanderer returned. Slow music. Air--"_Come, Kill the
+fatted Calf._"
+
+_Saturday_, 12:50, A.M.--Mr. G. just brought in Home-Rule Bill, amid
+ringing cheers from Ministerialists, who rise to their feet, and wildly
+wave their hats as PREMIER passes to table. Been some effective speaking on
+this last night of Debate. CHAMBERLAIN, BLAKE, and JOHN MORLEY, each
+excellent in varied way. Only few Members present to hear BODKIN insert
+maiden speech in dinner-hour. A remarkable effort, distinguished, among
+other things, by necessity of SPEAKER twice interposing, second time with
+ominous threat that BODKIN could not be tolerated much longer. BODKIN,
+resuming thread of his discourse, humbly apologised, kept his eye (BODKIN'S
+eye) warily on SPEAKER, and, when he saw him preparing to rise for third
+time, abruptly resumed his seat,--returned hurriedly to the needle-case, so
+to speak,--and thus avoided worse things.
+
+_Business done._--Home-Rule Bill read a First Time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REAL "DIPLOMACY."
+
+No doubt of it! A great diplomatic stroke on the part of Mr. JOHN HARE is
+this revival of _Diplomacy_--_i.e._, SARDOU'S _Dora_ in an English-made
+dress--at the Garrick Theatre. An unequivocal success (of which more "in
+our next") on Saturday night for everybody; and, after the Play was over,
+the audience, inspired by "the gods," called Mr. and Mrs. BANCROFT before
+the curtain. Mrs. BANCROFT, in the course of an admirable little speech,
+said, "If I stood here till next week, I should not be able to express all
+I feel." Now as, by the right time, it was exactly 11:54 P.M. _Saturday
+night_, this clever lady would certainly _not_ have been able in the time
+to express all she felt, or to say all she would have liked to say, seeing
+there were only six minutes left before "next week" began.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GOING FOR THE TIMES!"--CHARGE OF "MERCENARIES."
+
+"Once more unto the breach (of privilege) dear Friends!"--_Henry the
+Fifth_, Act iii. s. 1.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OLD FRENCHMAN AND THE YOUNG.
+
+(_After a Well-known Original._)
+
+  "You are old, '_Le Grand Francais_,'" the young Frank said,
+    "And your hair has become very white.
+  Yet the Judges award you five years, it is said--
+    I can't think, at your age, it's quite right."
+
+  "Such Gaul gratitude, boy!" _Le Grand Francais_ replied,
+    "As it brightens history's page;
+  In my youth I served France, was her boast and her pride;
+    And France has forgotten my age."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"I hear," said Mrs. R., "that there is some question of real or sham
+Constables at Burlington House. Why not refer it to the Chief Commissioner
+of Police?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sad, but True.
+
+  Your journalist may be a scribe of sense, or comicality,
+    Avoiding the sensational, the silly, and the shoppy;
+  But he can never make a claim to true originality,
+    His contributions always being recognised as "copy."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
+Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+104, FEBRUARY 25, 1893***
+
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