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diff --git a/22486.txt b/22486.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c025f8a --- /dev/null +++ b/22486.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1651 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, +February 25, 1893, by Various, Edited by Francis Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, February 25, 1893 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: September 1, 2007 [eBook #22486] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 104, FEBRUARY 25, 1893*** + + +E-text prepared by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 22486-h.htm or 22486-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/4/8/22486/22486-h/22486-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/4/8/22486/22486-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 104. + +FEBRUARY 25, 1893. + + + + + + + +MIXED NOTIONS. + +No. V.--AGRICULTURAL DEPRESSION. + +(_Scene and Persons as usual._) + +_First Well-informed Man._ There hasn't been much in this debate on the +Addresses. + +_Second W. I. M._ Oh. I don't know. They've promised a pretty big list of +measures. How they're going to find time for the lot I can't make out. + +_First W. I. M._ (_contemptuously_). Yes, that's always the way with these +Governments. They all talk mighty big at the beginning of the Session, and +then, at the end, they've done nothing, absolutely nothing; at least, +nothing that's any good to anybody. Parliament's getting to be nothing but +a bear-garden. The House won't be a fit place for a gentleman to be seen in +soon. + +_Second W. I. M._ (_spitefully_). You didn't seem to think it would be such +a bad place for one gentleman, about eight months ago. You were after a +constituency yourself, weren't you? + +_First W. I. M._ Well, and what if I was? I told you at the time why I +thought of standing. I thought I could do some good, but I precious soon +found they were a miserable lot, so I made 'em my bow. "Gentlemen," I said, +"you can worry it out among yourselves, and, when you've agreed, you can +let me know." + +_Second W. I. M._ And they never did let you know, did they? Went and +elected another Johnny. Deuced bad taste I call it. + +_Inquirer_ (_creating a diversion_). Look here, I say, what's all this talk +about Agricultural Depression? What does it mean? + +_First W. I. M._ What does it mean! Why, my dear chap, I should have +thought that any schoolboy knew that our agriculture is being simply +ruined. If things go on like this, we shan't have a farmer left. They're +all on the verge of bankruptcy. + +_Inquirer_ (_doggedly_). I daresay you're right; but, anyhow, I know, when +I was at Chilborough, the other day, I saw a lot of farmers about, and they +looked pretty fat and comfortable. That's why I can't make out what it all +means. + +_First W. I. M._ (_resignedly_). Well, I suppose I must explain it all, +from the very beginning. The first point is, we've got Free Trade, and the +farmers want Protection; and old GLADSTONE and all the rest of them say +they're not to have it. Well, that isn't likely to put the farmers in a +good temper, is it? Then, of course, the Americans, and the Russians, and +the Indians see their chance, and they send ship-loads of food into this +country, and the taxes have to be paid all the same by our farmers. + +_Second W. I. M._ (_interrupting_). What taxes? + +_First W. I. M._ (_flustered_). I wish you wouldn't break in just as I'm +trying to make things clear. Why, the taxes on food, of course. + +_Second W. I. M._ There aren't any taxes on food. + +_First W. I. M._ Oh, indeed! Well, then, how do you explain Free Trade, and +rent, and all that? + +_Second W. I. M._ Now you're getting a bit nearer. It's all a question of +rent. Free Trade's got absolutely nothing to do with it. What we want in +this country is a Sliding-scale. + +_Inquirer._ What's a Sliding-scale? + +_Second W. I. M._ (_taken between wind and water_). A Sliding-scale? Let me +see--it's very difficult to put these things shortly. A Sliding-scale is +a----well, it's a sort of patent mechanical contrivance for weighing out +things, so as to make it fairer than ordinary scales do. (_Plunges +recklessly._) You can make it slide up or down, you know, and fix it at any +point you like. + +_Inquirer._ Really! What a rum-looking thing it must be. Have you ever seen +one? + +_Second W. I. M._ Oh yes. They've got two or three in every big town. + +_Average Man._ When did you last see it? + +_Second W. I. M._ (_suspiciously_). Oh, I haven't seen one for some time. +It _may_ perhaps be a _little_ different now. + +_Average Man._ Ah! [_A pause._ + +_Inquirer._ I see the Government's going to have an inquiry about +Agricultural Distress. How are they going to work it? + +_First W. I. M._ Royal Commission, of course. + +_Second W. I. M._ No, no. It's going to be a Select Committee. + +_First W. I. M._ Well, what is the difference? + +_Second W. I. M._ Surely _you_ know that. They only have Royal Commissions +for labour and that sort of thing. Committees don't get any pay, you know. + +_Inquirer._ Of course. I ought to have remembered that. But who's this Lord +WINCHILSEA AND NOTTINGHAM, who's cutting about the country, talking about +agriculture! What does he know about it? I don't seem to recollect his +name. + +_First W. I. M._ He's a Peer. + +_Inquirer._ Yes, I know that; but why do they call him Lord WINCHILSEA +_and_ NOTTINGHAM? + +_Average Man._ Because that's his name. [_A pause._ + +_Inquirer_ (_resuming_). But what is he driving at? + +_First W. I. M._ He's got hold of the right end of the stick. It's just +this way. (_To_ Inquirer, _who winces under the imputation_.) You're a +foreign country, and I'm a British farmer. Well, you grow your corn for +nothing, and then you chuck it into my markets. Well, what I want to know +is, where do I come in? You may call that Free Trade, if you like--I call +it ruin. The result is, I'm smashed up, and the whole country goes to the +devil! + +_Second W. I. M._ But you ought to consider the consumer. + +_First W. I. M._ What do you mean by the consumer? + +_Second W. I. M._ Why, myself, for instance. I get the benefit of it. + +_First W. I. M._ Ah, you may _think_ you do, but you don't really. In the +end you've all to pay more for everything. + +_Average Man._ Well, I'm pretty happy as things are. + +_First W. I. M._ Oh, of course--and you'd let the land go out of +cultivation. That's mere selfishness. + +_Inquirer._ How's that? Can't they work the land now? + +_First W. I. M._ What a question! Of course they can't. + +_Inquirer_ (_anxiously_). But I've seen 'em ploughing a bit lately. + +_First W. I. M._ My dear Sir, they do it just to occupy time--they must do +something. + +_Inquirer._ Of course--of course. [_Terminus._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RESOURCES OF CIVILISATION. + +_M.P._ (_apostrophising ruined hat_). "VERY WELL, THEN, NEXT TIME THERE'S +GOING TO BE A RUSH, I'LL BRING A JAPANNED TIN HAT CHARGED WITH +ELECTRICITY--THEN LET HIM SIT ON IT!!"] + + * * * * * + +Our amiable old friend, Mrs. R., came across a book entitled _Playthings +and Parodies_, by BARRY PAIN. "Oh, I _must_ buy _that_!" she exclaimed. +"I've seen him so often in the Pantomime at Drury Lane! And fancy his being +an Author, too! But I don't so much wonder at it, because I remember that, +when I was a little girl, there was a celebrated Shakspearian Clown at +Astley's called BARRY, and he sailed in a tub drawn by geese down the +Thames, and there was a wonderful Pantomime actor of the name of PAIN. And +now this talented gentleman turns out to be an Author as well!!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RETURN OF "GRANDOLPH" THE WANDERER! "BE IT EVER SO HUMBLE, +THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE EVIDENCE OF WEALTH. + +"AND WHO LIVES IN THE BIG HOUSE OPPOSITE?" + +"MR. FLINDERS, SIR,--AND MRS. FLINDERS,--THE OLD VETERINARY SURGEON AND HIS +WIFE." + +"THEY MUST BE PRETTY WELL OFF, I SHOULD THINK, TO LIVE IN A HOUSE LIKE +THAT?" + +"OH YES, SIR, VERY RICH INDEED. WHY, THEY 'AD A GOLDEN WEDDING THERE, THE +WEEK BEFORE LAST!"] + + * * * * * + +FINALITY. + + ["He was one of those who believed that, even in the ordinary + legislation of the House, and still more in a measure of such + complexity, it was the utmost folly to talk of finality!"--_Mr. J. + Redmond the Home-Rule Bill._] + + Are our sage legislators, then, set upon finding + A measure that's "final, conclusive, and binding," + As lawyer-phrase puts it? They might as well try + To fix dawn in the East, or nail clouds to the sky! + There's nothing that's "final" in infinite time, + That great, goalless, measureless race-course sublime? + In which relays of runners must keep up the race? + There's nothing "conclusive" in limitless space; + And "binding" man's soul to his best of to-day + For the future of growth, in an absolute way, + Were folly as futile as binding an oak + To the seedling's first prop, or the sapling's first yoke; + For provisional law, not for secular life, + Such phrases are fit. Yet to heal age-long strife + By the very best "betterment" now in our ken, + Till--a better shines forth's the first duty of men. + Do right to the height of our sight's actuality!-- + Yes, that is our best--and our only--Finality! + + * * * * * + +An odd Advertisement frequently catches our eye. It is "_Dr. Gordon +Stables's Health Series_." Have the Gordon Stables anything to do with "the +Gordon Hotels"? If not, why not? as evidently they could work together to +their mutual benefit. + + * * * * * + +_A History of Medicine_, by Dr. EDWARD BERDOE, is announced as shortly to +appear. It will be illustrated by a Black (-and-White) draughtsman. + + * * * * * + +DESIGNS FOR MI-CAREME. + +(_To be worn as Costumes at the next International Fancy-Dress Ball._) + +_The Emperor W-ll-m._--PAUL PRY on Tour. + +_The Czar of R-ss-a._--Protection. + +_The Sultan of T-rk-y._--Wrecked in Port. + +_The Khedive of Eg-y-t._--Young Hopeful. + +_The President C-rn-t._--A Dissolving View. + +_Prince von B-sm-rck._--The Shadow of the Past. + +_Count C-pr-vi._--The Substance of the Future. + +_Vicomte de L-ss-ps._--A Lock on the Suez Canal. + +_The Pr-m-r._--A Scotch Mixture of HOMER and Home Rule. + +_Sir W-ll-m H-rc-t._--The latest of the Plantagenets. + +_Mr. J-hn M-rl-y._--"To Dublin from _Pall Mall_." + +_Lord R-nd-lph Ch-rch-ll._--The Prodigal Returned. + +_Mr. Speaker P-l._--The chucker in. + +_Mr. L-b-ch-re._--The Spirit of Te--ruth. + +_The Marquis of S-l-sb-ry._--The Irish Emigrant. + +_Mr. Arth-r B-lf-r._--Golf surviving Government. + +_Mr. H-nry Irv-ng._--A Canterbury Pilgrim. + +_Miss Ell-n T-rry._--A NUN, with none like her. + +_Mr. J. L. T-le._--A Walker, Running, London and the Provinces. + + * * * * * + +"I'M MANXIOUS TO KNOW."--The Isle of Man, it appears from Mr. SPENCER +WALPOLE'S book, has thriven on Home Rule. We all know that Club Land gets +on very well, Club-law being administered by men only, seeing that men only +are the governing and governed. But "Home" is the antithesis of the Club, +and Home Rule, domestically, means Female sovereignty. In the Isle of +Man-_sans_-Woman there can be no Home Rule properly so called. It must be +"_Homo Rule_." + + * * * * * + +"HOME, SWEET HOME!" + +(_Latest Parliamentary Version._) + +_Returned Wanderer sings_:-- + + 'Mid gold-fields and lion-haunts though we may roam, + Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home; + A charm from the past seems to hallow us there, + Which, trot round the globe, you will not meet elsewhere. + Home! Home! + Sweet, sweet home! + Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home! + + An exile from home freedom dazzles in vain; + Ah! give me my lowly front-bench seat again. + The cheers, sounding sweetly, that come at my call, + Give me these, and old pals of mine, dearer than all. + Home! Ho-ome! + Sweet, sweet home! + Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home! + + (_Extra or encore verses on his own account._) + + The first seat was mine, but I forfeited _that_; + Will they welcome the waif, kill the calf that is fat? + Will dear ARTHUR rejoice to receive his lost chief? + Will the Wanderer's return bring regret, or relief? + Home! Ho-ome! + Sweet, sweet home! + Be it ever so humble (_winks_) there's no place like home! + + So _humble_! Oh yes! So seemed David, no doubt, + Till he struck at GOLIATH and put him to rout. + My giant--his name, too, begins with a G-- + Braves the whole of our hosts. I--no matter--_we_'ll see. + Home! Ho-ome! + Sweet, sweet home! + Be it ever so humble (_grins_), there's no place like home! + + * * * * * + +TREATS FOR TOMMY.--"What shall I do to amuse our little boy, aged fourteen, +when he returns home for Easter Vacation?" Why, certainly improve his mind. +Procure for him a free admission to the Geological Society, and let him +hear a paper on "Anthracite and Bituminous Coal-beds," likewise on +"Inclusions of Tertiary Granite." Take him to the Linnean Society, and +treat him to a lecture "On the Differentiation of the Protozoan Body +Microscopically Sectionised." Another evening may be given to "Mosses and +Sphagnums," not to be confounded with "Moses and Magnums." After this +little course, he may write to say that during the next vacation he would +prefer remaining at school. + + * * * * * + +"I can't drink Champagne," quoth General BOOZER; "it gives me a red nose." +"No, it won't," replied his medical adviser; "that is, not if you drink +Pommery and _Grey-nose_." + + * * * * * + +THE MAN FROM BLANKLEY'S. + +A STORY IN SCENES. + + SCENE VIII.--_In the Drawing-room--Time, about 10._ Mrs. BODFISH _and_ + Mrs. DITCHWATER _are talking in confidential undertones on a settee_. + Miss BUGLE'S _anxiety concerning her invalid Cockatoo has already + obliged her to depart_. Mrs. GILWATTLE _is lecturing her Niece on a + couch by the fire, while little_ GWENDOLEN _is in a corner with a + Picture-book_. + +_Mrs. Bodfish_ (_in a wheezy whisper_). If he had condescended to make +himself agreeable all round, I shouldn't say a _word_; but to sit there +talking to that little forward governess, and never an audible word from +first to last--well, I quite felt for poor dear Mrs. TIDMARSH being so +neglected at her own table. + +_Mrs. Ditch._ Ah, my dear, if she _will_ have the aristocracy to dine with +her, she must put up with such treatment. I wouldn't stoop to such +presumption myself. And, if I _did_, I _would_ have a couple of _entrees_, +and everything carved _off_ the table! He'll go away with such a poor +opinion of us all! + +_Mrs. Bod._ He must have noticed how the vegetable dishes were chipped! And +I'm sure I was ashamed to see she had put out those old-fashioned doyleys +with the finger-glasses. I wonder she never thought of getting some new +ones. I saw some the other day in the Grove, hand-worked, at only +five-pence three-farthings! + +_Mrs. Ditch._ I could see _something_ was weighing on her mind, or she'd +have talked more to him. What is his title? It sounded like "STRATSPODDLE." +I must look it out in my Peerage. Would he be an Earl now, or what? + +_Mrs. Bod._ I don't expect he's more than a Viscount, if so much. I do +think she might have _presented_ us to him, though! + +_Mrs. Ditch._ It isn't the fashion to introduce, nowadays. But I consider +we are quite entitled to speak to him, if we get an opportunity--in fact, +he would think it very odd if we didn't! (_&c., &c._) + +_Mrs. Gilwattle._ Well, MARIA, I say, as I said before, don't let it _turn +your head_, that's all! Depend upon it, this young nobleman isn't so +affable for nothing. He wouldn't dine with you like this unless he expected +to get _something_ out of it. What that something may be, you best know! + +_Mrs. Tid._ (_to herself_). A guinea, at the very least! (_Aloud._) I'm +sorry you think my head's so easily turned, Aunt JOANNA! If you'd noticed +how I behaved to him, you wouldn't say so. Why, I scarcely _spoke_ to the +man! + +_Mrs. Gilw._ I was _watching_ you, MARIA. And sorry I was to see that being +next to a member of the nobility overawed you to that extent you could +hardly open your mouth. So unlike your Uncle GABRIEL! + +_Mrs. Tid._ (_hurt at this injustice_). Overawed, indeed! I'm sure it was +no satisfaction to _me_ to see him here! No, Aunt the only people I welcome +at _my_ table are those in my own rank of life--relations and old friends +like you and the others. And how you can think I was dazzled by a trumpery +title when I sent him in with the Governess----! + +_Mrs. Gil._ Ah, you make too much of that girl, MARIA. I've noticed it, and +_others_ have noticed it. She takes too much upon herself! The _idea_ of +letting her forbid GWENDOLEN to recite--no wonder your authority over the +child is weakened! I should have _insisted_ on obedience. + +[Illustration: Mrs. Gilwattle rises slowly, bristling with indignation.] + +_Mrs. Tid._ (_roused_). I hope I know how to make my own child obey me. +GWENDOLEN, come out of that corner. Put down your book. (GWEN. _obeys_.) I +wish you to repeat something to your Auntie--what you refused to say +downstairs--_you_ know what I mean! + +_Gwen._ Do you mean the thing Miss SEATON said I wasn't to, because you'd +be angry? + +_Mrs. Tid._ (_majestically_). Miss SEATON had no business to know whether I +should be angry or not. She is only your Governess--_I_ am your Mother. And +I shall be extremely angry if you don't repeat it at once--in fact, I shall +send you off to bed. So you can choose for yourself. + +_Gwen._ I don't want to go to bed ... I'll tell, if I may whisper it. + +_Mrs. Tid._ Well, if you are too shy to speak out loud, you _may_ whisper. +You see, Aunt, I am not _quite_ such a cipher as you fancied! + + [GWEN. _puts her mouth to_ Mrs. GILWATTLE'S _ear, and proceeds to + whisper_. + + + SCENE IX.--_Breakfast-room--Time, the same as in the foregoing Scene._ + Mr. TIDMARSH, _after proposing to "join the ladies," much to the + relief of_ Lord STRATHSPORRAN, _has brought him in here on the + transparent pretext of showing him a picture_. + +_Mr. Tid._ (_carefully closing the door_). I only just wanted to tell you +that I don't at all like the way you've been going on. It's not my wish to +make complaints, but there _is_ a limit! + +_Lord Strath._ (_hotly_). There _is_--you're very near it now, Sir! (_To +himself._) If I quarrel with this little beggar, I shan't see MARJORY! +(_Controlling his temper._) Perhaps you'll kindly let me know what you +complain of? + +_Mr. Tid._ Well, why couldn't you say you didn't smoke when my Uncle +offered you one of his cigars? You must have felt me kick you under the +table! + +_Lord. Strath._ I did--distinctly. But I gave you credit for its being +accidental. And, if you wish to know, I said I smoked because I do. I don't +see why you should expect me to _lie_ about it! + +_Mr. Tid._ I don't agree with you. I consider you ought to have had more +tact, after the hint I gave you. + +_Lord Strath._ It didn't occur to me that you were trying to kick _tact_ +into me. And, naturally, when I saw your Uncle about to smoke---- + +_Mr. Tid._ That was different, as you might have known. Why, _one_ cigar is +as much as my wife can stand! + +_Lord Strath._ You--er--wouldn't wish her to smoke _more_ than one, surely? + +_Mr. Tid._ (_outraged_). My wife smoke! Never did such a thing in her life! +She don't allow _me_ to smoke. She wouldn't allow Mr. GILWATTLE if he +wasn't her Uncle. And I can tell you, when she comes down in the morning, +and finds the curtains smelling of smoke, and hears you were the _other_, I +shall catch it! + +_Lord Strath._ Sorry for you--but if you had only made your kick a trifle +more explanatory---- + +_Mr. Tid._ That's not _all_, Sir. When you saw me and my Uncle engaged in +talking business, what did you cut in for with a cock-and-bull story about +the Boxing Kangaroo being formed into a Limited Company, and say the +Kangaroo was going to join the Board after allotment? You couldn't really +believe the beast was eligible as a Director--an _animal_, Sir! + +_Lord Strath._ Why not? They have _guinea-pigs_ on the Board occasionally, +don't they? But of course it was only a joke. + +_Mr. Tid._ You weren't _asked_ to make jokes. My Uncle doesn't understand +'em--no more do I, Sir! + +_Lord Strath._ No, I gathered that. (_Breaking out._) Confound it all, Sir, +what do you mean by this? If you didn't want me, why couldn't you tell me +so? You knew it before _I_ did! I don't understand your peculiar ideas of +hospitality. I've kept my temper as long as I could; but, dash it all, if +you force me to speak out, I will! + +_Mr. Tid._ (_alarmed_). No, no, I--I meant no offence--you won't go and let +everything out now! It was a mistake, that's all--and there's no harm done. +You got your _dinner_ all right, didn't you? By the way, talking of that, +can you give me any idea what they'll charge me for this, eh? What's the +_regular_ thing now? + +_Lord Strath._ (_to himself_). Extraordinary little bounder--wants me to +price his dinner for him! (_Aloud._) Couldn't give a guess! + +_Mr. Tid._ Well, considering I sent round and all that, I think they ought +to make _some_ reduction--y'know. But _you_'ve nothing to do with that, eh? +I'm to settle up with BLANKLEY'S? + +_Lord Strath._ I should say he would prefer your doing so--but it's really +no business of mine, and--er--it's getting rather late---- + +_Mr. Tid._ (_opening the door_). There, we'll go up. And look here, _do_ +try and be a bit stiffer with my Uncle. It's too bad the way he goes on +my-lording you, y'know. You shouldn't encourage him! + +_Lord Strath._ I wasn't aware I _did_. (_To himself._) Trying, this. But +never mind, I shall see MARJORY in another minute! + +_Mr. Tid._ (_to himself_). The _airs_ these chaps give themselves! Oh, lor, +there's Uncle GABRIEL hooking on to him _again_. If he only knew! [_He +follows them upstairs uneasily._ + + + SCENE X.--_In the Drawing-room_; GWENDOLEN _is still whispering in_ + Mrs. GILWATTLE'S _ear_. + +_Mrs. Gilw._ Eh? You're tickling my ear, child--don't come so close. +Louder. Yes, go on. "Sat next to him at dinner?" _Well_, what _about_ +him?... _What?_... What's the child talking about now?... "A gentleman out +of BLANKLEY'S shop"!! "Hired for the evening"!!! Let her alone, MARIA, _I_ +know who's telling the truth! So _this_ is your precious Nobleman, is it? +Oh, the _deceit_ of it all! + + [_The door opens, and_ Uncle GABRIEL _enters, clinging affectionately + to_ Lord STRATHSPORRAN'S _arm_. + +_Uncle Gab._ And when I take a fancy to a young fellow, my Lord, I don't +allow any social prejudices to stand in the way. I should say just the same +if you were a mere nobody. We ought to see _more_ of one another. I should +esteem it a distinguished favour if you'd honour me and my wife by dropping +in to a little dinner some evening; no ceremony; just a few quiet pleasant +people like ourselves. We'll see if we can't fix a day with my wife. + + [_He steers him across to_ Mrs. GILWATTLE. + +_Lord Strath._ (_to himself_). Now, how the deuce am I going to get out of +_this_? And what have they done with MARJORY? + +_Uncle Gab._ JOANNA, my love, I've been telling his Lordship here how +delighted and honoured we should be to see him at dinner some---- + + [Mrs. GILWATTLE _rises slowly, bristling with indignation, and glares + speechlessly at the unconscious_ Lord STRATHSPORRAN, _while_ Mrs. + TIDMARSH _vainly attempts to appease her, as her husband and the other + men enter. Tableau._ + +_End of Scene X._ + + * * * * * + +"At the Window." + + In dull days of sensational horrors, and wild would-be humorous hums, + What delight to fly darkness, and watch the "Auld Licht," from "_A Window + in Thrums_"! + Let pessimists potter and pule, and let savages slaughter and harry; + Give me _Hendry_, and _Tammas_, and _Jess_, and a smile, and a tear born + of BARRIE. + + * * * * * + +"The French," says Mrs. R., "have been shown up in a very queer light by +all these Panama candles." + + * * * * * + +THE HOUSE THAT BILL (SYKES) BURGLED. + +(Namely, that of Messrs. WALTER CROSS & CO., Jewellers, 8, Holywell Street, +Strand, as narrated in the _Times_ of the 16th inst.) + +This is the House that BILL burgled. + +This is the window, plastered with brown-paper and treacle, and then +broken, belonging to the House that BILL burgled. + +This is the rope-ladder, attached to the window, plastered with brown-paper +and treacle, &c. + +This is the show-case, reached by way of the rope-ladder attached to the +window, plastered with brown-paper and treacle, &c. + +This is the "burglar-alarm," lately connected with the show-case, reached +by way of the rope-ladder, attached to the window, &c. + +This is the bell that belonged to the "burglar-alarm," lately connected +with the show-case, &c. + +This is the wire that rang the bell, that belonged to the "burglar-alarm," +lately connected with the show-case, &c. + +[Illustration] + +This is the telephone that communicated with Bloomsbury, set in motion by +the bell, rung by the wire, &c. + +This is the dog who barked at the bell, agitated by the telephone that +communicated with Bloomsbury, &c. + +This is the man unshaven, unshorn, aroused from his sleep in the early morn +by the dog who barked at the bell, &c. + +These are the "Bobbies," all forlorn, called on by the man unshaven, +unshorn, aroused from his sleep in the early morn, by the dog who barked at +the bell, &c. + +[Illustration] + +And this is the burglar, smiling in scorn, who escaped by the rope-ladder, +window-sill-borne, and evaded the Bobbies all forlorn, called on by the +man, unshaven, unshorn, aroused from his sleep in the early morn, by the +dog who barked at the bell, agitated by the telephone, set in motion by the +wire, attached to the burglar-alarm, connected with the show-case, reached +by way of the rope-ladder, hooked to the window, plastered with brown-paper +and treacle, belonging to the House that BILL burgled. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTIONS FOR RIDE PARK. + +"Many improvements," the _Daily News_ writes, "in the arrangement of the +Parks in the West End" have been made. Have they? Perhaps visible to the +eye assisted by _Mr. Weller's_ "pair o' patent double million magnifyin' +gas microscopes of hextra power." But why, for the hundredth time we ask, +and every equestrian asks as well, why aren't rides made across Kensington +Gardens from Princes' Gate to Bayswater? Beautiful rides they would be +under the trees, and thus varying the wearisome monotony of the round and +round squirrel-in-a-cage sort of routine exercise, to which the Rotten-Row +Riders are purgatorially bound. Also, why not a ride right across Hyde Park +from the Achilles Statue to an exit facing about Albion Street, Bayswater? +What difficulties can there be which a First Commissioner of Works +representing an actively Liberal and Progressive policy could not carry out +for the benefit of the Mounted Liver Brigade and the Light Cavalry? + + * * * * * + +Old Father Thames is still rather dirty. We often hear of "The Thames +Basin." Why doesn't Father Thames use it,--with soap? What a chance here +for a P**rs' advertisement. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FROM THE EMERALD ISLE. + +"JUST MAKE IT A COUPLE OF SHILLINGS, CAPTAIN DEAR!"--"NO!" "EIGHTEENPENCE +THEN, MAJOR!"--"NO!" + +"OCH THIN, COLONEL DARLING, JUST THREPPENCE FOR A GLASS O' +WHISKEY!"--"_NO_, I TELL YOU!" + +"GIT OUT WID YE THIN, YE BOA CONSHTHRUCTOR, SURE AN' I KNOW'D YE ALL THE +TOIME!" + + [_N.B._--_The Fare is the Head of an eminent Firm of Furriers in + Kilconan Street, and cultivates a martial appearance._] + + * * * * * + +A BIG LION AMONG THE LITTLE 'UNS. + +"Daniel in the Lions' Den" will occur to many on reading how HENRY IRVING +ventured into and actually dined as the distinguished guest of a society +styling itself "The Playgoers' Club." But after all, whether these were +real leonine cubs, or only "lions stuffed with straw," the Real Lion of the +evening was the Daniel come to Judgment, HENRY IRVING, who, having partaken +of the "chicken and champagne," and acknowledged the goodness thereof, gave +them the less smooth side of his own tongue with charming frankness. + +"I do not hesitate to tell you," purred the Lion, sweetly, "that there have +been times when the genius of frankness which possesses the Club"--he did +not allude to the existence among them of any other sort of genius--"has +not appeared to be allied with the finest discrimination. (_Laughter._)" + +Yes--the poor little Lions laughed--it was all they could do, unless they +had whimpered, and promised not to offend again. It must have been a +delightful evening. To what other banquets will our leading Histrion be +invited? To the Pittites' Club Dinner? To the Wreckers' Banquet? Will he be +entertained by the Dissentient Gallery-Boys' Club, and finish up with a +supper strictly confined to the upper Circles' Society? Instead of "Give +your orders, Gents--the Waiter's in the room!" of old days, the Chairman +will probably advise the enterprising Playgoers to "Ask for 'orders,' +Gents--the Manager's in the room." However, if these heaven-born dramatic +critics occasionally hear a few words of good advice from so honest a guest +as HENRY IRVING, such gatherings may perhaps serve some useful purpose. + + * * * * * + +Gladstone's Aside on the Irish Members. + + You are, in faith, like women--divil doubt you!-- + For "there's no living with you, or without you." + + * * * * * + +VERY BAD DRAINAGE.--Because the London School Board built schools with +defective drainage, the London Ratepayers are to be mulcted in L250,000. A +nice drain this on our pockets! + + * * * * * + +THE POLITE SPEAKER. + +(_Intended for the use of courteous Members of Parliament._) + +_Question._ I trust you quite acknowledge that strong language is +absolutely unnecessary in Westminster? + +_Answer._ Quite, especially when a compensating description can be found +for every suitable term of abuse. + +_Q._ You grasp the idea. How would you describe NERO fiddling during the +burning of Rome? + +_A._ I should say that he was a musician with a turn for pleasing +variations. + +_Q._ Very good. And how would you speak of GUY FAUX on the eve of blowing +up the House of Commons? + +_A._ An experimentalist who would have been a useful lecturer upon +chemistry at the Royal Institution. + +_Q._ And could you refer to _Blue Beard_ after the discovery of the cause +of his last widowerhood without giving offence? + +_A._ Yes; as a married man who objected on principle to the Mormon practice +of being wedded to more than one wife at a time. + +_Q._ Yes. And what would you say of MARIE DE MEDICIS, who is reported to +have fired at the Huguenots from the Louvre? + +_A._ I should say that her late Majesty took such an interest in field +sports, as nowadays would have secured her election to the Gun Club. + +_Q._ And, lastly, were you asked to describe HENRY THE EIGHTH after he had +slaughtered most of his wives, plundered all the monasteries, and +imprisoned or executed many of his subjects, what would you call him? + +_A._ Without hesitation I should refer to him as "an excited politician." + + * * * * * + +"CONTINUOUS-SOUNDING MACHINES."--Lots of 'em on view in the House of +Commons. But, for the genuine article, consult a "Colomb" of the _Times_. + + * * * * * + +"I love those cradle-songs," said Mrs. R. "The other day I heard--I forget +who it was--sing a most charming _alibi_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LULLABY. + + NURSE G. (_sings_). "'O HUSH THEE, MY BABY, + TAKE REST WHILE YOU MAY'"---- + + (_To himself._) "AND NOW I MUST GO AND LOOK AFTER THE OTHERS!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +TO SERAPHINE. + + Through happy years, that number now I ween + A dozen, or--to be correct--thirteen, + My comfortable better-half you've been, + O SERAPHINE! + + The ups and downs of life we two have seen-- + From Camberwell, of stucco-fronted mien, + To quaintly-decorated Turnham Green, + O SERAPHINE! + + Till Grandma's money came with golden sheen, + You lent a hand at SARAH'S weekly clean, + And did not tilt your nose at margarine, + O SERAPHINE! + + And now that I've been made a Rural Dean, + Your figure is no longer slim, my Queen; + You'd scarcely make a graceful _ballerine_, + O SERAPHINE! + + But after dinner as you doze each e'en, + From your disjointed mutterings I glean + Your mind is running on a crinoline, + O SERAPHINE! + + Oh, let me not appear to speak with spleen-- + Yet pause!--nor go to Madame ANTONINE + To get yourself a--_you know what I mean_, + O SERAPHINE! + + For if that huge and hideous machine + Should thrust its bilious bulginess between + A blameless couple, such as we have been, + My SERAPHINE, + + I will not condescend to make a "scene," + But--if you needs _must_ have your crinoline-- + Good-bye!--you cannot have your Rural Dean, + O SERAPHINE! + + * * * * * + +DER COPHETUALISCHEHOCHZEITVEREIN. + + ["In Vienna a Club has been formed among young men of fashion for the + encouragement of marriage with poor girls."--_James Payn, in + "Illustrated News."_] + + O youth of Wien, what does this mean? + Can you forget you are + All _hochgeboren_ as of yore + Was King COPHETUA? + + To wed a lot of girls _sans dot_ + Is strange, and yet you are + No more afraid of beggar maid + Than King COPHETUA. + + But if you break the vow you take, + And dowries get, you are + A thousand pound to forfeit bound, + Which beats COPHETUA. + + So you by stealth can't marry wealth, + Not if in debt you are; + But, as we see, resemble the + Late King COPHETUA. + + O men elsewhere, Mammas declare + How hard to net you are! + You can't be led poor girls to wed + Like King COPHETUA. + + Consider, then, these noble men, + And you'll regret you are + Unmarried still, and quickly will + Do like COPHETUA! + + * * * * * + +PUT A STOP TO IT!--A Correspondent, signing himself "O'NOODLE," asks, "What +does this mean? See Cook's _Guide-Book to Paris_, page 23:--'Visitors +should take the precautions against pickpockets recommended by the +Administration.'" A comma or a dash after "precautions," and another after +"pickpockets," or put pickpockets into brackets--handcuff 'em, in fact--and +then O'NOODLE will get at the sense of the paragraph. + + * * * * * + +A DOLE-FUL PROSPECT. + +_Easter._--Wonder what the effect of the BISHOP'S appeal to the "loyal +laity," to come down heavily with Easter Offerings to the Clergy, will be? +Rather an exciting day for me. Hard-up is not the word for my condition at +present. Can't keep myself, and have to keep a Gardener and a Curate! + +A lot of cast-off clothes arrive from "A SYMPATHETIC PARISHIONER!" How +degrading! Wish BISHOP OF WORCESTER hadn't said that he knew a Clergyman +who stayed in bed because he had no decent clothes to wear. Congregation +seem to think he meant _me_! Two blankets, and a rig-out of "Cellular +under-clothing," from "CHURCH DEFENCE," addressed to "Our Beloved but +Impoverished Incumbent." Quite insulting! Give blankets to Gardener, and +send the Cellular things to Curate, as his tendencies are distinctly +monastic. + +Letter from a Newmarket Bookmaker! Says he hears I'm in want of Easter +Offerings, so he offers to "put me on to a good thing for the Derby." I am, +apparently, to forward him a L5 note, and he returns me L50 "without fail." +Tempting, but haven't got a L5 note to send. + +Arrival at my quiet Vicarage of a donkey, a cow, two pigs, and a dozen +barndoor fowls! Perhaps, in honour of the pigs, I might call this a "sow +Easter!" The whole menagerie sent by neighbouring farmers. Wish they'd send +me arrears of rent for glebe instead; yet I daren't ask for them. Evidently +intended as Easter "gifts in kind;" but not the kind I want. Send donkey on +to Curate, and tether cow in back-yard, not having a field. Pigs +temporarily accommodated in back kitchen. Cook threatens to give notice. + +Church. Offertory goes to _me_ to-day! Don't half like it. Feel like a +schoolboy expecting to be tipped. Curate rather glum. Finds he thinks my +sending the donkey to him was meant to insult him. When I assure him it +wasn't, he cheers up, and says he'll hold the plate. Does so. Seems very +heavy. Curate distinctly winks at me, which is against the Rubrics, no +doubt, but still seems to be an augury of happy tidings about the sum +collected. On his way to Vestry, Curate whispers to me "Two-fifty!" What +does he mean? Is it two fifty pounds, or shillings? It's neither--it's +_pence_! Really, if this is all the "loyal laity" can do, I may as well +disestablish myself. + +Best Easter Offering of all comes by post. Offer of position as +Under-Cashier in a firm of eminent Bone-boilers. Write to accept offer with +thanks. Better to boil bones for other people than to have all the flesh +taken off my own. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW COINAGE. + + Art will now adorn our purses, + Hitherto an artless place; + More than pictures, songs, or verses, + This should elevate the race. + + Is it safe to be prophetic? + Will the miser, once abused, + Be considered quite aesthetic, + With the connoisseur confused? + + Will the banker, grown artistic, + Talk a jargon new and strange? + Will this feeling, subtle, mystic, + Even reach the Stock Exchange? + + Will it from the City banish + Dress that artists should eschew? + Will the hallowed "topper" vanish, + And the frock-coat fade from view? + + Will the cabman now be willing, + After driving half a mile, + To accept a high-art shilling, + Not with oaths, but with a smile? + + Will the porter at the station + While his thanks pause on his lip, + Gaze in silent admiration + At the beauty of his tip? + + "Music hath," so CONGREVE stated, + "Charms to soothe the savage breast"; + Numismatic art is fated + May be to be likewise blest. + + * * * * * + +NAILED! + +(_Lord Dufferin and the Gallic Vermin._) + + [At the Annual Dinner of the British Chamber of Commerce in Paris, + Lord DUFFERIN took occasion to refer trenchantly, but temperately, to + the long series of calumnies lately directed against him by certain + sections of the French Press.] + + Yes, DUFFERIN, yes, the Reptile Press + Is not confined to realms Teutonic. + You squelch it--could you well do less?-- + With an urbanity fine, ironic. + France is too chivalrous, too polite, + To back these crawlers, venomous, "varment"!-- + But our Ambassador does quite right + To--brush them lightly from his garment. + + * * * * * + +A "Plucky" Answer. + +_Q._ Who was PROCRUSTES? What was the Bed of PROCRUSTES? + +_A._ He was an ancient philosopher who never would get up in the morning. +Hence the word for a person who puts off or delays; viz., "One who +Procrustinates." + + * * * * * + +THE WHITTINGTON RECORD BROKEN.--"Mr. HURST," _The Athenaeum_ gossip informs +us, "has been four times Mayor of Bedford." He ought to be perfect in the +part, for certainly it has been well _re-hearsed_. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, February 13._--House filled from floor to +topmost range of gallery. Terrible rumour that it is also peopled +underneath. Members sitting on two front benches evidently restless through +opening passages of Mr. G.'s speech. Weird whispering heard, apparently +rising from boots of FIRST LORD of the TREASURY. GRANDOLPH pricks up his +ears; fancies he recognises voice familiar in Harley Street. First thought, +whispered commentary must come from Ladies' Gallery. Right Hon. Gentlemen +look up, and conclude it is too remote. Besides, Ladies _never_ talk in the +Gallery. + +"Moreover than which," said FERGUSSON, staring stolidly at open network of +iron floor, "it comes from quite different quarter." + +[Illustration: GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS TAKING THEIR SEATS, +MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 1893.] + +Even Mr. G., absorbed as he was with great topic, evidently noticed the odd +state of things, for towards end of magnificent speech he dropped his voice +right down through the grating into the chamber below, so that Strangers in +distant Gallery lost the purport of his words. Above-board--or rather above +iron grating--House presented spectacle worthy of occasion. Last time +anything like it seen was in April, 1886, when first Home-Rule Bill +introduced. Singularly like it this afternoon, with chairs blocking the +floor in fashion to which LORD-CHAMBERLAIN, looking down from Peers' +Gallery, admitted he would not permit in any other theatre. Side-galleries +filled; Members thronging Bar, sharing the steps of SPEAKER'S Chair, +peeping round from behind its recess, sitting on the Gangway steps. The +Lords' Gallery thronged, with somewhat disorderly fringe of Viscounts +jostling each other on the steps. Not an inch of room to spare in the +Diplomatic Gallery, whilst happy strangers rose tier beyond tier on the +benches behind. Over the clock H.R.H., _debonnaire_ as usual, able to +extract fullest pleasure and interest out of passing moment. By his side, +his son and heir; not the one who sat there on the April night nine years +ago, but the younger brother, with Cousin MAY facing him through the +_grille_ of Ladies' Gallery. Many other gaps filled up on floor of House, +the biggest those created by the flitting of BRIGHT and PARNELL. + +The figure at table answering to Speaker's call, the "FIRST LORD of the +TREASURY" is the same, though different. Marvellously little different, +considering all that has passed since '86, and remembering the weight of +added years when they come on top of fourscore. Scantier the hair, paler +the face and more furrowed; but the form still erect, the eye flashing, the +right hand beating vigorously, as of yore, on the long-suffering box; the +voice even better than it was for a certain period towards close of 1880 +Parliament; the mental vision as clear; the fancy as luxuriant; the logic +as irresistible; the musical swing of the stately sentences as harmonious. +For two hours and a quarter, unfaltering, unfailing, Mr. G. held the +unrivalled audience entranced, and sat down amid a storm of cheering, +looking almost as fresh as the posy in his button-hole. + +_Business done._--Mr. G. introduces Home-Rule Bill. + +_Tuesday._--COLONEL SAUNDERSON going about to-day just as if nothing had +happened yesterday. _But something did._ Little misunderstanding arose in +connection with appropriation of a Seat. The Colonel, of course, in the row +at the door of the House, between eleven and noon. Two hundred Members +waiting to get in as soon as doors opened. "Nothing like it seen in +civilised world since the rush for Oklahoma," says Lord PLAYFAIR, who has +been in the United States. "Then, you remember, the intending settlers, +gathering from all parts, bivouacked on line marked by military, and on +appointed day, at fixed hour, at sound of gun, made the dash into the +Promised Land. Lack some of those particulars here. But the passion just +the same; equally reckless; every man first, and the Sergeant-at-Arms take +the hindmost." + +PLAYFAIR himself came down two hours later, intending to take his seat in +Peers' Gallery, but, finding another mob at entrance, almost as turbulent, +concluded he would not add to the tumult by wrestling with anybody for a +place in the front rank. So, meeting a Bishop, who had come down with +similar intent and abandoned endeavour from analogous reason, they went for +a walk in the Park. + +SAUNDERSON not a man of that kind. Thoroughly enjoyed himself for exciting +three-quarters of hour. Was in first flight of heated and dishevelled +senators who crossed the Bar when door flung open, and elderly Messenger +was simultaneously flattened at back of it. SAUNDERSON dropped on to first +convenient seat; folded his arms; beginning to view the scene when, like +the person in the pastoral poem, "he heard a voice which said,"--"You're +sitting on my hat!" + +"Well," replied Colonel, genially recognising Irish Member of same +Province, but another faith, "now you mention it, I thought I did hear +something crunch." On examination, found remains of hat. + +"Come out of my seat!" said the other Ulster man. + +"Not at all," said the Colonel. + +"Then I'll take you!" said the Ulster man. + +"Do so," said the Colonel. Ulster man seized Colonel by collar and coat, +and tugged violently. Rest of conversation was carried on with the Ulster +man lying on his back, at full length, partly under his seat. "There was no +hat here when I arrived," said the Colonel. + +[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S HISTORICAL CARTOONS. MR. G.'S ROOM IN THE HOUSE +OF COMMONS.] + +"Then how did it get there?" said the Ulster man, under the seat. + +"That's for you to explain," said the Colonel, politely assisting Ulster +man to rise. "If, when a gentleman is taking his seat, an Hon. Member +places his hat upon it, accidents will happen." + +Ulster man threatens to bring question under notice of SPEAKER. "Begad, I +hope he will," said the Colonel, smiling grimly. "If you know the +gentleman, TOBY, tell him I'll keep him in hats through Leap Year if he'll +only do it. I should like to give the House an unadorned narrative of the +incident. JOHN ROCHE'S deer-stealing story would be nothing to it." + +_Business done._--Debate on Home-Rule Bill. + +_Thursday._--GRANDOLPH back again at old post on Front Opposition Bench. +All the Parliamentary world gathered to greet him. H.R.H. in old familiar +seat over clock, whence, up to Monday, his pleasant presence had long been +missed. Not a seat vacant on floor of House. Galleries crammed, whilst, +through _grille_ of Ladies' Gallery, bright eyes rained influence. +GRANDOLPH had arranged to resume Debate on Home-Rule Bill; should have come +on bright and fresh as soon as questions were over. Meanwhile sat on Front +Opposition Bench, awaiting the signal to dash in. Incessantly playing with +beard, in fashion that testified to high state of nervousness. + +Everything excellently planned, the man, the hour, and the surroundings. +Only thing forgotten was the dog--dog, you know, that has a little place +down at Epsom, and turns up on course just as the ranged horses are +straining at the bit, and the flag is upheld for the fall. On this +occasion, Irish dog, of course. Introduced in artfullest way. ESMONDE, +mildest-mannered man that ever whipped for Irish party, casually, as if he +were inviting him to have a cigarette, asked WOLMER across House whether it +was true that he had called Irish Members "forty paid mercenaries"? WOLMER, +an equally well-dressed, civil-spoken young man, smilingly admitted that it +was quite true he had couched a remark in the terms quoted, but had +certainly not meant anything offensive to Irish Members. Indeed, general +aspect of noble Lord, and his tone, suggested feeling of surprise that +ESMONDE and his friends should not rather have felt complimented by the +observation challenged. + +This turned out to be polite crossing of swords before duel to the death, a +shaking of hands before deadly set-to without gloves. SEXTON suddenly +dashed in, and, with back-handed stroke at WOLMER, went for the _Times_ who +had adopted and improved upon the Viscount's genial remarks. Assault +admirably planned; carried on with irresistible vigour, sweeping down +earlier resistance of SPEAKER. Showed what SEXTON can do when so deeply +moved as to forget himself, and resist besetting temptation to play the +fatal windbag. + +An hour-and-half's tussle all round House; at end Irish held the field, +and, without dissentient voice, _Times_ article declared to be "gross and +scandalous breach of privileges of House." + +But the hour and half had passed, and with it RANDOLPH'S chance of supreme +success. House of Commons, though greedy for excitement, will never stand +two doses in quick succession. After scene like that, which to-night filled +House with fire and smoke, anything that follows is anti-climax. It was a +cruel fate, which GRANDOLPH bore uncomplainingly, and fought against with +quiet courage. Painfully nervous when he broke the silence of two years, +the still crowded House had difficulty in catching his opening sentences. +But, as he went on, he recovered himself, and regained mastery over an +audience evidently eager to welcome his permanent return to position of old +supremacy. + +_Business done._--The Wanderer returned. Slow music. Air--"_Come, Kill the +fatted Calf._" + +_Saturday_, 12:50, A.M.--Mr. G. just brought in Home-Rule Bill, amid +ringing cheers from Ministerialists, who rise to their feet, and wildly +wave their hats as PREMIER passes to table. Been some effective speaking on +this last night of Debate. CHAMBERLAIN, BLAKE, and JOHN MORLEY, each +excellent in varied way. Only few Members present to hear BODKIN insert +maiden speech in dinner-hour. A remarkable effort, distinguished, among +other things, by necessity of SPEAKER twice interposing, second time with +ominous threat that BODKIN could not be tolerated much longer. BODKIN, +resuming thread of his discourse, humbly apologised, kept his eye (BODKIN'S +eye) warily on SPEAKER, and, when he saw him preparing to rise for third +time, abruptly resumed his seat,--returned hurriedly to the needle-case, so +to speak,--and thus avoided worse things. + +_Business done._--Home-Rule Bill read a First Time. + + * * * * * + +REAL "DIPLOMACY." + +No doubt of it! A great diplomatic stroke on the part of Mr. JOHN HARE is +this revival of _Diplomacy_--_i.e._, SARDOU'S _Dora_ in an English-made +dress--at the Garrick Theatre. An unequivocal success (of which more "in +our next") on Saturday night for everybody; and, after the Play was over, +the audience, inspired by "the gods," called Mr. and Mrs. BANCROFT before +the curtain. Mrs. BANCROFT, in the course of an admirable little speech, +said, "If I stood here till next week, I should not be able to express all +I feel." Now as, by the right time, it was exactly 11:54 P.M. _Saturday +night_, this clever lady would certainly _not_ have been able in the time +to express all she felt, or to say all she would have liked to say, seeing +there were only six minutes left before "next week" began. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GOING FOR THE TIMES!"--CHARGE OF "MERCENARIES." + +"Once more unto the breach (of privilege) dear Friends!"--_Henry the +Fifth_, Act iii. s. 1.] + + * * * * * + +THE OLD FRENCHMAN AND THE YOUNG. + +(_After a Well-known Original._) + + "You are old, '_Le Grand Francais_,'" the young Frank said, + "And your hair has become very white. + Yet the Judges award you five years, it is said-- + I can't think, at your age, it's quite right." + + "Such Gaul gratitude, boy!" _Le Grand Francais_ replied, + "As it brightens history's page; + In my youth I served France, was her boast and her pride; + And France has forgotten my age." + + * * * * * + +"I hear," said Mrs. R., "that there is some question of real or sham +Constables at Burlington House. Why not refer it to the Chief Commissioner +of Police?" + + * * * * * + +Sad, but True. + + Your journalist may be a scribe of sense, or comicality, + Avoiding the sensational, the silly, and the shoppy; + But he can never make a claim to true originality, + His contributions always being recognised as "copy." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. 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