initial commit of ebook 22495HEADmain

1 files changed, 6774 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/22495.txt b/22495.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4f442cc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22495.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,6774 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, The New Pun Book, by Thomas A. Brown and
+Thomas Joseph Carey
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: The New Pun Book
+
+
+Author: Thomas A. Brown and Thomas Joseph Carey
+
+
+
+Release Date: September 3, 2007  [eBook #22495]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE NEW PUN BOOK***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jeannie Howse, David Starner, Colin Bell, and the
+Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+(http://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+    +-----------------------------------------------------------+
+    | Transcriber's Note:                                       |
+    |                                                           |
+    | Inconsistent hyphenation and unusual spelling in the      |
+    | original document have been preserved.                    |
+    |                                                           |
+    | Obvious typographical errors have been corrected. For     |
+    | a complete list, please see the end of this document.     |
+    |                                                           |
+    +-----------------------------------------------------------+
+
+
+
+
+
+                     THE NEW PUN BOOK
+
+           COLLECTED, EDITED AND ARRANGED FROM
+             THE NOTES OF TWO LEARNED PUNDITS
+
+
+    Who thought they never saw the Punjab delighted in
+   all pungencies of speech. Scholarly men who rejoice
+    in punctiliousness in their language, contrive to
+     improve its flavor and precision by exercise in
+        these unexpected juxtapositions. Thus, as
+         with our Pundit's famous countryman Mr.
+           Jaberjee, though they use the purest
+           language, they can instantly express
+            every shade of thought with grace
+            and completeness without resorting
+               to slang:--that ready cloak
+               wherewith puny minds strive
+                 to cover their vulgarity
+                   and lack of culture.
+
+
+                    BY T. B. AND T. C.
+
+
+                         New York
+                    FRANK VERNON & CO.
+                     103 Park Avenue
+
+
+
+
+
+                      COPYRIGHT 1906
+                  By CAREY-STAFFORD CO.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+The New Pun Book
+
+
+"He's a professional grafter."
+
+"Who?"
+
+"The nurseryman."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"You know Fatty Schultz the butcher. What do you suppose he
+weighs?"
+
+"I don't know, what does he weigh?"
+
+"Meat."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I saw a sign in a hardware store to-day 'Cast iron sinks.' As
+though everyone wasn't wise to that."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"How are you to-day?"
+
+"Oh, I can't kick."
+
+"Thought you were ill."
+
+"I am--I have the gout."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Let me see," said the minister, who was filling out the marriage
+certificate and had forgotten the date, "this is the fifth, is it
+not?"
+
+"No, sir!" said the bride, with some indignation, "this is only
+my third!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+She--I had a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can't
+find it anywhere.
+
+He--Did you look among the Vs, dear?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Have you ever met my sister, Louisa?"
+
+"Yes. She's rather stout, isn't she?"
+
+"I have another at home--Lena."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Why do you call that colored man a blackmailer."
+
+"Because he is employed at the post-office. And that ain't the
+worst of it."
+
+"No?"
+
+"No, sir; his wife takes hush money."
+
+"You don't say so!"
+
+"I do. She's a child nurse."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    The street car lurched, she fell ker-flump!
+    But got up with a happy smile,
+    And to the young man said: "Please, sir,
+    How many laps are to the mile?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+I hear they are trying to close up the gambling establishments in
+New York. Why didn't they close up Adam? He was the first
+gambler. Didn't he start the races?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Gee, I just made a bad break," murmured the chef, as he threw
+away some rotten eggs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"This is our latest novelty," said the manufacturer, proudly.
+"Good work, isn't it?"
+
+"Not bad," replied the visitor, "but you can't hold a candle to
+the goods we make."
+
+"Oh! are you in this line, too?"
+
+"No. We make gunpowder."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+You ought to sleep well, You lie so easily!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"My girl's father is an undertaker. He has invented an automobile
+hearse. Folks are just dying to ride in it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"An Irishman comes to this country, remains here ten years, and
+goes back to Ireland and dies. What is he?"
+
+"Why, an Irishman, of course."
+
+"No, you're wrong; he is a corpse."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+He--Why has he put her picture in his watch?
+
+She--Because he thinks she will love him in time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I saw some delicious apples growing on a tree this morning. I
+couldn't reach them, and asked the lady of the house if she would
+let me take a step-ladder."
+
+"Did she give it to you?"
+
+"No; but she gave me a stare."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"My sister had a fright yesterday. She had a black spider run up
+her arm."
+
+"That's nothing. I had a sewing machine run up the seam of my
+trousers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Attorney for the Defense--Have you ever been cross-examined
+before?
+
+The Witness--Have I. I'm a married man.--Life.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+--I met a deaf and dumb man to-day who had every joint of his
+fingers broken.
+
+--That is terrible, how did it happen?
+
+--Well, he used to crack jokes on his fingers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I'm nearly starved. Just got in from a three-hour trip on the
+New York Central."
+
+"But couldn't you get anything to eat on the train?"
+
+"Nope! It was a 'fast' train."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What do you think of the statement that there are three hundred
+haunted houses in New York?" asked Mr. Knickerbocker.
+
+"Oh," replied Jones, "that only ghost to show how plentiful
+spirits are here."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I saw a big rat in my cook-stove and when I went for my revolver
+he ran out."
+
+"Did you shoot him?"
+
+"No. He was out of my range."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+GREENE--"These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs
+sometimes."
+
+FINNEGAN--"Av coarse! Sure, we hav' t' make a great noise t' wake
+the dead."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I see Dorkins has got all of his seven daughters married off."
+
+"Yes, but he took advantage of his official position to effect
+it."
+
+"How was that?"
+
+"Why, he is chairman of the board of public works and he
+advertised for proposals."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Are your folks well to do?"
+
+"No. They're hard to do."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"If you should die, what would you do with your body?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+"I'd sell mine to a medical student."
+
+"Then you'd be giving yourself dead away."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I was at the track to-day, Percy, and there was a horse down
+there with the itch. He came up to the post, and they scratched
+him."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HE--"Yes, she is living under an assumed name."
+
+SHE--"Horrible! What is it?"
+
+HE--"The one she assumed immediately after her husband married
+her!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BIGGS--"I hear the jail was afire this morning?"
+
+BAGGS--"Naw; it was only a sell."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Love they say is blind. Well: if so marriage must be an
+eye-opener.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"It doesn't do any good to scold the janitor about our cold
+rooms."
+
+"Yes, it does. I get all warmed up when I talk to him."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"This liver is awful, Maud," said Mr. Newwed.
+
+"I'm very sorry," returned the bride, "I'll tell the cook to
+speak to the livery-man about it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Who was the first one that came from the ark when it landed."
+
+"Noah."
+
+"You are wrong. Don't the good book tell us that Noah came forth?
+So there must have been three ahead of him."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+RAILWAY CLERK--Another accident on the road to-day, sir.
+
+MANAGER--Indeed; What now?
+
+CLERK--Man dislocated his neck trying to read our new time table.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I got your fare, didn't I?" asked the conductor.
+
+"I believe not," the facetious passenger replied. "I think I saw
+you ring it up."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ISAACS--Undt suppose dey did send us a message from Mars, how
+could dey tell if we got it?
+
+COHEN--Vell, dey mighd send it gollect undt see if ve paid for
+it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HE--I'll go to-morrow and buy a diamond engagement ring.
+
+SHE--Now, George, for the first time your talk has the true ring
+in it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I am told," said she, saucily, "that though you are a military
+man, you are afraid of powder."
+
+"To prove that the assertion is calumnious," replied he, "I have
+only to do this."
+
+Whereupon he lightly kissed her on the cheek, and his lips showed
+that he was not.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MRS. PENDERGAST (in disgust)--You call these shades alike! Is
+there anything you can match?
+
+MR. PENDERGAST--Yes. Pennies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Pressed for work--cider.
+
+Never out of print--the calico counter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Is this a fire insurance office?"
+
+"Yes, sir; can we write you some insurance?"
+
+"Perhaps you can. You see, my employer threatens to fire me next
+Saturday, and I'd like some protection."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"We should never complain, whatever may befall us," said the
+minister. "The moment we grow dissatisfied we become unhappy."
+
+"Do you really think so?" she sighed.
+
+"Yes," returned the good man; "the first woman who complained of
+her Lot, was turned into a pillar of salt."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Tommy," said mamma, tearfully, "it gives me as much pain as it
+does you to punish you."
+
+TOMMY (also tearfully)--Mebbe it does, but not in the same place.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I'll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live!"
+
+"Refused again?"
+
+"No; accepted."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A wag who thought to have a joke at the expense of an Irish
+provision dealer said, "Can you supply me with a yard of pork?"
+
+"Pat," said the dealer to his assistant, "give this gentleman
+three pig's feet."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"They say corporations have no soul."
+
+"How about the Shoe Trust."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Did your sweetheart receive you warmly last night?" asked one
+Pittsburg young man of another.
+
+"No, but her father did."
+
+"How was that?"
+
+"He fired me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Permit me, then, to die at your feet!" he cried desperately.
+
+She shivered.
+
+"I see no objection to that," she answered. "All papa said was
+that you mustn't hang around here."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Don't doubt the veteran who tells you he was always where the
+bullets were thickest; perhaps he was hiding under the ammunition
+wagon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MR. BIXBY--Have you noticed how much better I rest after a day's
+fishing?
+
+MRS. BIXBY--No; but I have noticed how much easier you lie after
+a day's fishing than upon other days.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Nature never allows anything to run to waist."
+
+"Humph! You've never seen a Vermont girl of forty."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What's the matter here?"
+
+"Man broke his neck."
+
+"What story did he fall from?"
+
+"Didn't fall--tried to see the top of the building."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+According to a florist's magazine "Jacks are becoming cheap."
+This may be true, but we have known men who would have been
+willing to pay $10 for one to put with the two already in their
+hands.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+JOHNNY--What makes you look so tired?
+
+TOMMY--My step-mother is sick end now I'll get licked before
+every meal. The doctor says she must take exercise on an empty
+stomach.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BROWN--"Peckhen has arrived safe. I just received a cablegram
+from him."
+
+SMITH--"Did he have a rough voyage?"
+
+BROWN--"No; his wife didn't go."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Oh, live and let live, my man."
+
+"Yes, I'd look well, wouldn't I? I'm a butcher."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SMITH--I notice that Robinson has an article in the paper this
+morning.
+
+JONES--Indeed! I didn't see it. What was it?
+
+SMITH--His spring overcoat. He was taking it to the tailor to be
+pressed and cleaned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+When Lot found his wife transformed into a pillar of salt, he was
+wise enough to let it go at that and not take a fresh one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Our frent Cohen must pe goin' t' haf a fire.
+
+ISAAC ISAACS--Vy?
+
+SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Vell, he took oud an inshoorance bolicy
+yeste'day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"A telephone girl always reminds me of a pictured saint."
+
+"Why?"
+
+"There is a continual 'hello' around her head."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A husband and wife are considered one, but it is useless to try
+to work that gag on the landlord when he presents the board bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"You haven't a cent, and yet wish to marry Miss Bilyan. Don't you
+expect her father to kick you out?"
+
+"Oh, no I intend to go before the footlights."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+YOUNG M.D.--That jig is up.
+
+OLD M.D.--What do you mean?
+
+YOUNG M.D.--That fellow with St. Vitus's dance died this morning.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Do you think that as a rule people who attend theaters are
+superstitious?"
+
+"Do I think so? I know it. I have seen people sit for an hour
+waiting for a ghost to walk."
+
+"For that matter the actors themselves often wait longer than
+that."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Here's an account of a hen which layed three eggs at once, and
+then died," remarked Mrs. Sumway.
+
+"From over-eggsertion, probably," commented her husband.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What is the best way to raise cabbage?"
+
+"With a knife and fork."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Why is Miss B---- wearing black?"
+
+"She is in mourning for her husband."
+
+"Why, she never had a husband!"
+
+"No, that is why she mourns."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Dearest," she murmured, "I'm so afraid you'll change."
+
+"Darling," he answered, "you'll never find any change about me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What's the matter here?" asked a stranger of a small boy, as he
+noticed a large wedding party coming out of a church on Fifth
+avenue.
+
+"Nawthin' but the tied goin' out."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Oh, the sadness of her sadness when she's sad!
+    Oh, the gladness of her gladness when she's glad!
+      But the sadness of her sadness,
+      And the gladness of her gladness,
+    Are nothing to her madness when she's mad!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Is it raining, girls?"
+
+"No," broke in Cumso; "only cats and dogs."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+GUEST--What have you got?
+
+WAITER--I've got liver, calf's brains, pig's feet--
+
+GUEST--Hold up there! I don't want a description of your physical
+peculiarities. What have you got to eat is what I want to know.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+STRANGER--"Boy, can you direct me to the bank?"
+
+BOY--"I kin for a quarter."
+
+STRANGER--"A quarter! Isn't that high pay?"
+
+BOY--"Yes, sir; but it's bank directors what gits high pay, you
+see, sir!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"It's very puzzling," said a worried looking woman to one of her
+neighbors.
+
+"What's that?"
+
+"I can't tell whether Willie is corrupting the parrot or whether
+the parrot is corrupting Willie."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PLAYWRIGHT--"There is a great climax in the last act. Just as two
+burglars climb in the kitchen window the clock strikes one;
+then----"
+
+MANAGER CONN--"Be more explicit. Which one did the clock strike?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I sent a dollar last week" said the Good thing, "in answer to
+that advertisement offering a method of saving one-half my gas
+bills."
+
+"And you got----"
+
+"A printed slip directing me to paste them in a scrap-book."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" inquired a teacher
+of a class of youths.
+
+"I have," exclaimed one.
+
+"Where?" asked the teacher.
+
+"On the elephant," replied the boy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Curious, isn't it?"
+
+"What?"
+
+"A man's handwriting is never so bad that his name can't be read
+when signed to a check."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"That cook would make a good baseball player."
+
+"Why so?"
+
+"A fly got into the batter when she was serving the griddles, and
+the way she caught that fly from the batter was a sight to rush
+an umpire into an early grave."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+When you see a young man cleaning a girl's bicycle, they are
+engaged; but when you see the operation reversed, they are
+married.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SHE (approvingly)--You won her hand, then?
+
+HE (rather glumly)--Humph--I presume so. I'm under her thumb.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What is the difference between the admission to a dime museum
+and the admission to Sing Sing?"
+
+"Don't know. What?"
+
+"One is ten cents and the other is sentence."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"A man at the hotel wanted to bet that Corbett would knock out
+Jeffries."
+
+"Who took him up?"
+
+"The elevator boy, I think."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Why is a railroad train like a bedbug?
+
+It runs over the sleepers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CALLER--Wonder if I can see your mother, little boy? Is she
+engaged?
+
+LITTLE BOY--Engaged? Whatcher givin' us? She's married.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I must admit," said the mannish girl, "that I'm very fond of
+men's clothes. You don't like them, do you?"
+
+"Yes. I do," replied the girly girl, frankly, "when there's a man
+in them."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+When a woman finds her dress does not match her complexion, it is
+always easy enough to change her complexion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"My friend," said the long-coated old man, solemnly, "have you
+made preparation for the day of judgment?"
+
+"Sir," replied the young man, "that's how I make my living."
+
+"Young man!"
+
+"I'm employed in the sheriffs office."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"George, you look exhausted," she said to him as he was putting
+on his hat and coat.
+
+"Yes," he answered, glancing towards his daughter at the piano.
+"I'm played out."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Of the heroine in one of the latest sensational novels it is
+said: "Her eyes chained him to the spit." She must have been
+links-eyed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Do I bore you?" asked the mosquito, politely, as he sunk a
+half-inch shaft into the man's leg.
+
+"Not at all," replied the man, squashing him with a book. "How do
+I strike you?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"How did that fight between the bridge tenders end?"
+
+"It was fought to a draw--and they both fell in!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the
+question? Acquiescence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MASHINGTON--What's the matter with your clock? It's stopped.
+
+TAILOR--I never wind it up. I use it as a motto.
+
+"What do you mean?"
+
+"No tick here."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The hawk was dozing. "You look," said the jay, from a safe
+distance, "as if you were full."
+
+"Well," the hawk admitted, "I have just been having a little lark
+that was a bird."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"You ought to be very proud of your wife. She is a brilliant
+talker."
+
+"You're right there."
+
+"Why, I could listen to her all night."
+
+"I have to."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I once knew a man who, with the aid of a microscope, made a
+harness for a flea."
+
+"Humph!" replied the other, "that's nothing. I saw that same flea
+harnessed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"You want a divorce from your wife, do you?"
+
+"Yes, sir, I do."
+
+"What grounds?"
+
+"Incompatability. She and the cook are quarreling continually."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"How about the lazy man who hurt his eye looking for work?"
+
+"That's nothing. How about the industrious safe breaker doing
+time for making money?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Don't take a bull by the horns; take him by the tail, then you
+can let go without getting some one to help you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Women, my boy," said a parent to his son, "are a delusion and a
+snare." "It is queer," murmured the boy, "people will hug a
+delusion." And while the old man looked queerly at him, the young
+man hunted up his roller-skates and went out to be snared.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Would you," said the reporter who gets novel interviews, "tell
+me what book helped you most in life?"
+
+After a thoughtful pause, the great man answered: "My bank-book."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"You were thrown out?" remarked the ash barrel. "That's what you
+get for being crooked."
+
+"The crookedness, is not my fault," said the nail. "I was driven
+to it by a woman."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What relation is a door-step to a door-mat?"
+
+"What relation?"
+
+"A step-farther."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+GUIDE--This is a dogwood tree.
+
+STRANGER--How can you tell?
+
+GUIDE--By its bark.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others, but
+when we get to the cemetery, we will all be on the dead level.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MRS. POWELL--"I have such an indulgent husband!"
+
+MRS. CAMERON (spitefully)--"Yes, so Justin tells me, but he
+sometimes indulges too much, doesn't he?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"They caught the burglars that robbed the hotel last night."
+
+"How?"
+
+"They jumped on the scales and gave themselves a weigh."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"You own your own house, don't you?"
+
+"I used to."
+
+"Have you sold it?"
+
+"No, I haven't sold it."
+
+"Then how is it you don't own it?"
+
+"Well, you see, we have company most of the time."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Mike, d' I ever tell ye the story about the dirty window?"
+
+"You did not. Tell me about it."
+
+"No use--you couldn't see through it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A lady noticed a boy sprinkling salt on the sidewalk to take off
+the ice, and remarked to a friend, pointing to the salt:
+
+"Now, that's true benevolence."
+
+"No, it ain't," said the boy, somewhat indignant, "it's salt."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TEACHER--Thomas, can you tell me which battle Nelson was killed
+in?
+
+TOMMY (after a moment's reflection)--I think it was his last.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+JOHNNIE--"Ya-as, I've just come back from Ireland--County Cork.
+Ever been to Cork?"
+
+SOUBRETTE--"No--but I've seen a good many drawings of it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What is love?"
+
+"A fresh egg."
+
+"Marriage?"
+
+"Hard boiled eggs."
+
+"Divorce?"
+
+"Scrambled eggs."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    How by the statesman insincere
+      Man's weary soul is vexed.
+    He'll shake your hand one minute and
+      He'll pull your leg the next!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Hush, not so loud! We're having a conference of the powers."
+
+"Eh! Who is conferring?"
+
+"My wife, my mother-in-law and the cook."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I saw De Castro, the magician, make a $20 gold piece disappear
+in three minutes." "That's nothing. You ought to see my wife with
+a $20 bill at a church bazaar."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+An art-school student recently painted the picture of a dog under
+a tree so lifelike that it was impossible to distinguish the bark
+of the tree from that of the dog.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LADY--Why do you remove your sword, Lieutenant?
+
+GALLANT OFFICER--My lovely miss, the fire from those eyes would
+compel the bravest soldier to surrender his arms.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SHE--"You used to call me the light of your life."
+
+HE--"Ah, but I had no idea then how much it would cost to keep it
+burning."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MOSES--"How did you make your money, Ike?"
+
+IKE--"By horse-razing."
+
+MOSES--"Vatt, not bedding?"
+
+IKE--"Naw--I started a pawnshop just by the oudside of de
+razetrack for de peoble who vanted to get home ven de razes was
+over."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HE--Don't you think Miss Plainly is the very image of her mother?
+
+SHE--Yes, indeed; the resemblance is something awful.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+--"I want to be an angel."
+
+--"Just wait till you've backed one or two 'stars,' and you'll
+change that tune my boy."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Telephone operators are always bound to have the last word;
+that's why females are always employed in that capacity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What are you going to do with your boy?"
+
+"I don't know; I'm afraid he is a bad egg."
+
+"In that case he might do for an actor."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BIGGS--That butcher is an awkward fellow.
+
+BOGGS--Yes, I notice his hands are always in his weigh.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Is the proprietor in?" asked the visitor to the planing mill. "I
+want to order some doors."
+
+"He's in," replied the smart office boy, "but I think he's out o'
+doors."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Did the minister say anything comforting?" asked the neighbor of
+the widow recently bereaved.
+
+"Indeed, he didn't," was the quick reply. "He said my husband was
+better off."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What kind of hen lays the longest?"
+
+"What kind?"
+
+"A dead hen."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CITYMAN--Do they keep a servant girl?
+
+SUBBUBS--O! certainly not. But as soon as one leaves they engage
+another.--_Philadelphia Press._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+If a woman would change her sex, what would her religion be? She
+would be a he-then, of course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What in the world shall I do with the baby, John? She's crying
+for the moon."
+
+"That's nothing. Wait till she's eighteen and she'll want the
+earth."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"The man who was run over by the cars the other day, is now out
+of danger."
+
+"That's good."
+
+"He died this morning."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"The death of her husband must have been a dreadful blow to Mrs.
+Musicale."
+
+"It was, indeed."
+
+"I suppose she has given up her piano playing entirely."
+
+"No; she still plays; but only on the black keys."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Poor Lot's wife turned to salt, alas!
+      Her fate was most unkind.
+    No doubt she only wished to see
+      How hung her skirt behind.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SMITH--There is something that will never be boycotted by the
+fair sex as long as time lasts.
+
+JONES--What's that?
+
+SMITH--The Easter bonnet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"In one way the clock makers are independent of labor troubles."
+
+"That's very fortunate, isn't it," said his wife innocently, "but
+how?"
+
+"Simply because in clock works the hands never strike."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"There is a man who never knew such a thing as fear."
+
+"Ah, had a military training, I suppose."
+
+"No; his nerve is inherited. His father and his grandfather were
+both janitors."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What is the plural of man, Johnny?" asked the teacher of a small
+pupil.
+
+"Men," answered Johnny.
+
+"Correct," said the teacher. "And what is the plural of child?"
+
+"Twins," was the unexpected answer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FIRST COMEDIAN--"Did you score a hit with your new specialty?"
+
+SECOND COMEDIAN--"Did I? Why, the audience gazed in open-mouthed
+wonder before I was half through."
+
+FIRST COMEDIAN--"Wonderful! It is seldom that an entire audience
+yawns at once."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    If I might hold that hand again
+      Clasped lovingly in mine,
+    I'd little care what others sought--
+      That hand I held, lang syne!
+
+    That hand! Oh, warm it was and soft!
+      Soft? Ne'er was so soft a thing!
+    Ah, me! I'll hold it ne'er again--
+      Ace, ten, knave, queen and king!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+WIFE--"Got a dollar?"
+
+HUSBAND--"Where's the last dollar I gave you?"
+
+"Gone."
+
+"I thought I told you to make it go as far as you could."
+
+"I did."
+
+"Doesn't look like it."
+
+"Well, I did; I sent it to the Fiji Island heathen."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Some one threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was
+making a speech once. He paused a second, and said: "Gentlemen, I
+only asked for your ears, I don't care for your heads!" He was
+not bothered any more during the remainder of his speech.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Why are you sad, Bill?"
+
+"Oh, I am troubled with dyspepsia."
+
+"How can that be?"
+
+"I got licked at school 'cause I couldn't spell it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MRS. LIMBERCHIN--I was so mad last night I couldn't speak.
+
+MR. L.--And I was away! Just my luck!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+--"That Jersey murderer was clever to get off as he did, wasn't
+he?"
+
+--"What was his plea--insanity?"
+
+--"No, malaria."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I've been married five years, and I've got a bushel of
+children."
+
+"How's that?"
+
+"My name is Peck. I've got four children. Don't four pecks make a
+bushel?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The weary desert stretched for miles. Stretched for sheer
+weariness. Not a drop of water was in sight.
+
+Then it was that the traveler had an inspiration.
+
+He wrung his hands.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Corbett and Fitzsimmons will never fight again."
+
+"Why?"
+
+"Because they can not get gloves to Fitzsimmons."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ASKIT-What is a convenient fall trip for me to take?
+
+TELLIT-You might step on a banana peel or try to balance on a
+cake of soap at the head of the stairs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"There is but one thing," said the professor of medicine,
+gravely, "that we know about death."
+
+"And that is, sir?" queried the student.
+
+"It is always fatal."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Did you hear about Miss Jones?"
+
+"No. What's up?"
+
+"Why, she eloped with one of the boarders in the hotel."
+
+"Oh, that was only a roomer!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"When was money first invented?"
+
+"I don't know. When was it?"
+
+"When the dove brought the greenback to Noah."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What a distinguished looking man."
+
+"Yes, the last time I saw him he was on the bench."
+
+"What, a judge?"
+
+"No; a substitute ball-player."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HE--"Didn't you promise to love, honor and obey me?"
+
+SHE--"Heaven only knows what I promised. I was listening to hear
+what you promised."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THIN BOARDER--"I don't see how you manage to fare so well at this
+boarding-house. I have industriously courted the landlady and all
+her daughters, but I'm half-starved."
+
+FAT BOARDER--"I court the cook."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Why should a young man never raise his straw hat to a lady?"
+
+"Because it is never felt."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+JONES--"Well, we had an addition to our family yesterday."
+
+SMITH--"You don't say so? Boy or girl?"
+
+JONES--"Neither. It's my wife's mother."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+DINER--"Hello! waiter, where is that ox-tail soup?"
+
+WAITER--"Coming, sir--half a minute."
+
+DINER--"Confound you! How slow you are."
+
+WAITER--"Fault of the soup, sir. Ox-tail is always behind."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+An Irishman was planting shade trees when a passing lady said:
+
+"You're digging out the holes, are you, Mr. Haggerty?"
+
+"No, mum. Oi'm diggin' out the dirt an' lavin' the holes."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Irish foreman, to gang of men in a sewer: "How many men is down
+in that hole?"
+
+Voice from the sewer: "Three, sorr."
+
+Irish foreman: "Then lave half of yez cum up."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TRAMP--"Can't you give a poor man something to eat? I got shot in
+the war and can't work."
+
+Woman-"Where was you shot?"
+
+"In the spinal column, mum."
+
+"Go 'way! There was no such battle."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I suppose Barnum went to heaven when he died?"
+
+"Well, he certainly had a good chance. In fact he had the
+greatest show on earth."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Why do all bank cashiers run to Canada?"
+
+"Give it up."
+
+"Because that's the only place Toronto."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Were you attached to the place?"
+
+The actress laughed bitterly.
+
+"I don't know what you'd call it," she rejoined. "The sheriff had
+all my dresses except a Mother Hubbard."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"If a guest at a restaurant ordered a lobster and ate it, and
+another guest did the same, what would the latter's telephone
+number be?"
+
+It would be "8-1-2."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+An Irishman quarreling with an Englishman, told him if he didn't
+hold his tongue he would break his impenetrable head, and let his
+brains out of his empty skull.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PETERS--"Are you not sick of hearing everybody sing that popular
+song?"
+
+WINKLE--"Not I."
+
+PETERS--"Heavens! How can you stand it?"
+
+WINKLE-"I wrote the song."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+I'm the champion long distance cornet player. I entered a contest
+once and I played "Annie Laurie" for three weeks.
+
+Did you win?
+
+No, my opponent played "Stars and Stripes Forever."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What have you here?" asked the fresh young man of the waiter at
+a first-class restaurant.
+
+"Everything, sir."
+
+"Everything?" sneeringly, "Have it served at once."
+
+"Hash for one," yelled the waiter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    When we first dined at a cafe
+      We feared they'd drop their trays, but later
+    We learned, somewhat to our dismay,
+    It takes--as scores of men will say--
+      A big "tip" to upset a waiter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Irish stew," said the restaurant guest.
+
+"Faith, I am Irish, tew," said the waiter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Comstock shuddered the other evening when a lady asked him if he
+cared for undressed kids.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MRS. TILFORD OF SOROSIS--"It must have taken Daniel Webster a
+long time to compile the dictionary; don't you think so?"
+
+TILFORD--"Daniel? You mean Noah, don't you?"
+
+MRS. TILFORD (tartly)--"Now don't be silly. Noah built the ark."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Is your friend the dentist a society chap?"
+
+"Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Did you know that Xanthippe, wife of one of the greatest of
+ancient philosophers, was a great scold?"
+
+"Certainly; but just think what a great tease her husband was."
+
+"A great tease?"
+
+"Yes; Socrates."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The pugilist boxes his man before he lays him out. The undertaker
+lays out his man before he boxes him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+An old-maid being at a loss for a pin-cushion, made use of an
+onion for the purpose. On the following morning she found all the
+needles had tears in their eyes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BROWN--Up at Hagenbeck's show there is a large bear that hugs a
+woman without killing her.
+
+JONES--That's nothing. I've often seen a lobster do that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Why do you call him 'Mr. Gimlet?' That isn't his name."
+
+"I know. But he's such a bore!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AMERICAN--"You have noticed, I suppose, that the balance of
+trade, so far as your country and ours are concerned, is still in
+our favor?"
+
+ENGLISHMAN--"Nothing of the sort, sir. We exchange a worn-out
+title for a beautiful American heiress almost every day in the
+year."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HUSBAND--"I am going to buy two little children."
+
+WIFE--"Where in the world can you buy them?"
+
+HUSBAND--"Down at the department store."
+
+WIFE--"Who put such nonsense into your head?"
+
+HUSBAND--"I saw a big sign in their window to-day, 'Ladies and
+gents' undressed kids for a dollar.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Your father has a strong box at home, hasn't he, Willie," said
+the teacher.
+
+"Yes'm," replied Willie; "the one he keeps the limburger in."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"This wireless telegraphy reminds me of a groundless quarrel."
+
+"What possible connection is there between the two?"
+
+"It's practically having words over nothing."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    To-morrow never comes, they say;
+      But all such talk is idle gush,
+    For when we have a debt to pay
+      To-morrow gets there with a rush.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Did you go into any of the New York restaurants?"
+
+"No. I got into what I thought was one and I heard a feller call
+for Saratoga chips and I knew 'twas a gamblin'-den and got out
+quick."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"The word 'reviver' spells the same backwards and forwards."
+
+It was the frivolous man who spoke.
+
+"Can you think of another?"
+
+The serious man scowled up from his newspaper.
+
+"Tut-tut!" he cried contemptuously.
+
+And they rode on in silence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+I hear they're going to change the name of Central Park to
+Orchard Park.
+
+Why, how is that?
+
+Well, there are so many pears (pairs) found under the trees.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TOM--"I understand that Cholly went hunting the other day. What
+did he hit?"
+
+DICK--"Nothing."
+
+HARRY--"Why, I heard he shot himself in the foot."
+
+DICK--"That's what I said."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Two wrongs don't make a right."
+
+"Yes, they do."
+
+"How so?"
+
+"Why, some one passed a counterfeit five-dollar bill on me
+to-day; that was wrong. I gave it to my landlady for board; that
+was wrong, but it made me right."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"It's all foolishness to talk about any one getting the worst of
+it in the matrimonial game," declared the big man with a silk hat
+and a loud suit of clothes.
+
+"How's that?"
+
+"Marriage is always a tie."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer "was lying at the
+point of death," exclaimed: "My Gracious! Won't even death stop
+that man's lying?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    We mustn't kiss the baby, we mustn't kiss the kid,
+    We mustn't kiss the dainty miss, so scientists affirm;
+    To pounce upon and "wrastle" us there waits the awful bacillus,
+    The sempiternal, most infernal omnipresent germ.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What I like about the Irish is that they are so modest and
+unassuming."
+
+"Holy smoke!"
+
+"Fact. When an Irishman does anything great he does not go
+bragging of his ability as another man would. He merely brags
+about Ireland."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in
+it."
+
+"Great Scott! That one oyster in the soup joke is old."
+
+"Yes, but this was tomato soup."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I was at a banquet last night. I just had a lovely time. We had
+everything a man could wish for."
+
+"Did you have any pale ale?"
+
+"No; we didn't have the pail."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A cement maker advertises that his cement is strong enough to
+mend the break of day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Rowley Powley, pudding and pie,
+      Kissed the girls and made them cry.
+      **    **    **    **    **
+    But _entre nous_, that legend of yore
+      Only tells half; they cried for more!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Are you the photographer?"
+
+"Yes sir."
+
+"Do you take children's pictures?"
+
+"Yes sir."
+
+"How much do you charge?"
+
+"Three dollars a dozen."
+
+"Well, I have to see you again. I've only got eleven."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MAN--Edison's a wonder, isn't he?
+
+THE MAID--I don't think so! You can't turn his incandescent
+lights down low.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"When were walking-sticks first invented?"
+
+"When?"
+
+"When Eve presented Adam with a little Cain."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Pat," said one Catholic friend to another, "how would you like
+to be buried in a Protestant graveyard?"
+
+"Faith an' I'd die first!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+--No matter how high an awning may be suspended, it is only a
+shade above the street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+An Irishman, just landed, seeing an electric-motor car running
+for the first time, exclaimed: "Well, well, Ould Nick must be
+pullin' it wid a string."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+DAME RUMOR ought frequently to have her named spelled without the
+e.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Where are you working now?"
+
+"I'm working down in a match factory."
+
+"How is business?"
+
+"Light."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+An Irish doctor advertises that the deaf may hear of him at a
+house in Liffey street, where his blind patients may see him from
+ten till three.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Where are you going, my pretty maid?"
+
+"Out automobiling, sir," she said.
+
+"May I go with you, my pretty maid?"
+
+"If you can steer the old thing, you may," she said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A painter, who fell off a scaffold with a pot of paint in each
+hand said: "well, I came down with flying colors, anyhow."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+--"I'm very sorry for that boy. Your scolding cut him to the
+quick."
+
+--"That's impossible. He has no quick. He's a messenger boy."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A lady one day being in need of some small change called
+down-stairs to the cook and enquired: "Mary, have you any
+'coppers' down there?" "Yes, mum, I've two; but if you please,
+mum, they're both me cousins," was the unexpected reply.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"When I was eating my dinner to-day the butter ran."
+
+"That's nothing. I was up-town last night and saw a cake walk."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SHE--"They say that your father is a millionaire. Is it true?"
+
+HE--"Yes; and, strange to say, I am one also."
+
+SHE--"How do you make that out?"
+
+HE--"Why, I am the only child, therefore I am a _million heir_,
+of course."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Girls and billiard balls kiss each other with just about the same
+amount of real feeling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MISTRESS--"I am not quite satisfied with your references."
+
+APPLICANT--"Naythur am I, mum; but they's the best I could get!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?" "Why, you see my
+grandmother is dafe, and I'm writing a loud letter to her."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"There was a terrible murder in the hotel to-day."
+
+"Was there."
+
+"Yes; a paper-hanger hung a border."
+
+"It must have been a put-up job!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+As man and wife are one, the husband when seated with his wife,
+must be beside himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Well, Pat, and how is that bull-pup of yours doing?"
+
+"Oh, he's dead! The illigant baste wint an' swallowed a
+tape-measure!"
+
+"Oh, I see! He died by inches, then?"
+
+"No; begorra, he didn't! He wint round to the back of the house
+an' died by the yard!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"You treat me," cried Mrs. Peck, "as though I was a monkey!"
+
+"Oh, no!" responded H. Peck, "One can train monkeys."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"My lord," said the foreman of an Irish jury when giving in his
+verdict, "we find the man who stole the mare not guilty."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Did the fisherman have frog's legs, Bridget?"
+
+"Sure I couldn't see, mum; he had his pants on."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"A woman fell overboard from a ship yesterday and a shark came up
+and looked her over and went away."
+
+"He never touched her?"
+
+"No. He was a man-eating shark."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+GROCERYMAN--"Pat, do you like apples?"
+
+PAT--"Sure, sor, Oi wudn't ate an apple for the world."
+
+"Why how is that?"
+
+"Ough! didn't me ould mother die av apple plexy?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"See here, sir," remonstrated the young gentleman, "I got up to
+give my seat to the lady, not to you."
+
+"Ach, dat's all right. She's my vife," he responded placidly. And
+he kept the seat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"My son," said the good old man, "if you only work hard enough
+when you undertake a thing, you're bound to be at the top when
+you've finished."
+
+"But suppose I undertake to dig a well?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Did you have any trouble with black ants in Ireland, Bridget?"
+
+"No, ma'am, but I had some trouble onc't with a white uncle."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"There's a young woman who makes little things count."
+
+"How does she do it?"
+
+"Teaches arithmetic in a primary school."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"It's thrue," said Paddy to Dennis one day, "it wor a grand
+soight. But whoile ye're standin' sit down, an' Oi'll tell ye all
+about it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What did you wear last night?" asked the celery. "A lovely
+mayonnaise," replied the lettuce. "And you?" "Never was so
+mortified in all my life; I wasn't dressed at all," said the
+celery; and the beet blushed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A woman never fully understands the hardness of the world until
+she falls off a bicycle a few times.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MRS. FUSSY--"John you're the most unreasonable man I ever met in
+my life."
+
+MR. FUSSY--"I don't doubt it. I'm the only one that ever married
+you."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Jonah's experience with the whale is proof that you can't keep a
+good man down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Since I've been married I don't get half enough to eat."
+
+"Well, you must remember that we are one now."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What man in the army wore the biggest hat?"
+
+"The one with the biggest head, of course."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Nothing can make a woman so superlatively happy as to have a
+baby of her own to kiss," exclaimed Mrs. McBride, rapturously, as
+she fondled her firstborn.
+
+"My dear," replied her husband, pityingly, "you can never know
+the unutterable joy of being 'Next' in a crowded barber shop on
+Saturday night."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Aren't you afraid, dear, you'll catch cold in the scanty bathing
+robe?" he asked.
+
+"Oh, no," replied the dashing bride. "This is a very warm suit,
+hubby, dear."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MRS. BENHAM--Our new minister's name is Stone.
+
+BENHAM--Well, there are sermons in stones.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ALGY--"Charming widow, isn't she? They say she is to marry
+again."
+
+CHOLLY--"I wouldn't want to be a widow's second husband."
+
+ALGY--"Well, I'd rather be a widow's second husband than her
+first, doncher-know."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A Boston, man upon learning that there were 4,000 Poles in New
+York, exclaimed: "What a place to raise beans."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FRED--"I had a fall last night which rendered me
+unconscious for several hours."
+
+ED--"You don't mean it? Where did you fall?"
+
+FRED--"I fell asleep."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I say, old chap, how short your overcoat is!"
+
+"Oh, that's all right! It'll be long enough before I can afford a
+new one."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PAT--"'Twas the divil of a blow the dago gave yer. Yer wuz near
+Kilt."
+
+MIKE--"Begorra, I wish I had died that I moite see the villain
+hung."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+JIM--"Why do you wear your stocking wrong side outward?"
+
+PAT--"Because there's a hole on the other side."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Held by the enemy"--the ulster which we are unable to redeem.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"How could you endure talking so long with that ugly old woman
+with that frightful costume without laughing in her face?" "Oh,
+that's easy. She is my wife."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TEACHER--When does suicide become a crime?
+
+SMART BOY--When it becomes a confirmed habit.
+
+"Nonsense, sir. Why is suicide a crime?"
+
+"Because it injures the health."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The modern drummer is not much like the month of March. March is
+said to come in a lion and go out a lamb, while the drummer comes
+in a lyin' and goes out a lyin'.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+How to signal a bark--pull a dog's tail.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Say, pop, do people take snuff nowadays?"
+
+"Sometimes, my son."
+
+"Oh, then its all right?"
+
+"What is all right?"
+
+"Why, I heard mamma telling Aunt Amy that you wasn't up to
+snuff."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I understand that Willoughby was half seas over at the Sneerwell
+dinner." "Oh, no. He was sailing into the port when I left."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BACON--What's that thread tied about your little finger for?
+
+EGBERT--Oh, that's just to remind my wife to ask me if I forgot
+something she told me to remember.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HE--You saw some old ruins while in England, I presume? SHE--Yes,
+indeed! And one of them wanted to marry me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CHOLLY--Ethel Knox told me last night I wasn't over half-witted.
+SUSIE--I shouldn't feel badly about that; she never did know
+anything about fractions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MRS. SWELLERY--What is the matter with my husband, doctor?
+
+PHYSICIAN--Appendicitis, madam.
+
+MRS. S.--I am so glad. I was afraid he might have something
+unfashionable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A man who drives away customers--the cabman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CLEVERTON--Miss Cutler tells me she has been putting quinine on
+her face lately for her complexion.
+
+DASHAWAY--I guess I'll go around there. I have a touch of
+malaria.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MAUD--How do you define love?
+
+MARIE--Love is the life of illusion.
+
+"And what is marriage?" "Oh, marriage is the death of them."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+WEEKS--Well, how are things over in Boston? Have they named any
+new pie "Aristotle" yet?
+
+WENTMAN--No-o. But I heard a man there ask for a Plato soup.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--What is meant in the parable by a "house
+built upon a rock?"
+
+SUNDAY SCHOOL SCHOLAR--A Harlem flat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I am quite surprised, Mr. Meeker, to account for your wife's
+knowledge of parliamentary law."
+
+"Great Caesar! Hasn't she been speaker of the house for the last
+fifteen years?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MR. GREATHEAD, the landlord, says he prefers as tenants
+experienced chess player, because it is so seldom they move.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"You have a bad cold," he said. "I have," she replied huskily. "I
+am so hoarse that if you attempted to kiss me I couldn't even
+scream."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A little burn makes a big smart sometimes. But even a big burn
+could not make some people smart.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Don't talk to me about compulsory vaccination!" exclaimed the
+man who had his arm in a sling. "I'm sore on that subject."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+There are many sweet, entrancing moments in this life, but when a
+man steps on your pet corn you do not experience one of them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The impecunious young man who marries a girl with a substantial
+check attached may very properly be said to have been checkmated.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+VISITOR--I suppose you have a great deal of poetry sent into you
+for publication?
+
+EDITOR--No, not very much poetry as a rule; some of it is verse,
+and some of it is worse.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What is your idea of happiness?"
+
+"Nothing to do and lots of time to do it in."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+--So Ethel is to marry that young Bob Halstey; why, he has been
+jilted by half a dozen girls.
+
+--Case of being well shaken before taken, I suppose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I've been pondering over a very singular thing."
+
+"What is it?"
+
+"How putting a ring on a woman's third finger should place you
+under that woman's thumb."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    They cannot be complete in aught
+     Who are not humorously prone;
+    A man without a merry thought
+      Can hardly have a funny bone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TEACHER--Johnny, can you tell me what a section boss is?
+
+JOHNNY--The conductor of a sleeping-car.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PERSONAL--"'A young woman, to whom black is particularly
+becoming, would like to meet a gentleman in poor health; object,
+widowhood.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I am told lynching is a pastime in this section."
+
+"Well, we do loop the loop occasionally."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    "The house a lawyer once enjoy'd,
+      Now to a smith doth pass;
+      How naturally the _iron_ age
+      Succeeds the _age of brass_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TOMDICK--I'd like to find some girl willing to marry me.
+
+ANDARRY--Ah! You want one ready maid.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TEACHER--Yes, dear; ova refers to an egg.
+
+WILLY--Then when they throw bad eggs at an actor he gets a
+literal ovation, I s'pose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+IKEY--Fader, is "imbegunious" undt "inzolvent" der same?
+
+FADER--Nodt at all! "Imbegunious" is ven a man has got no more
+money, undt "inzolvent" is ven his greditors has got about all
+der money dey are goin' to get.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SHE--"Are you fond of tea?"
+
+HE--"Yes; but I like the next letter better."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+It was the morning after, and he wanted a small favor.
+
+"I admit that I am temporarily hard up," he said, "but that's
+because I can't realize."
+
+"Can't realize on what?"
+
+"On my thirst. If I could only sell that thirst for half what it
+cost me I'd be all right."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    When the penniless lordling to get a rich wife
+      Of his own nationality fails,
+    He crosses the ocean with heart light and gay
+      And robs the United States males.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HUSBAND--My dear, how would you like a book for a present?
+
+WIFE--Very much.
+
+"Well, what sort of a book would you like--a book of poems, for
+instance?"
+
+"No; a bank-book."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"That sounds like the charity bawl," said the nurse, as the
+babies in the orphan asylum began to yell.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+          He went on a lark,
+          So his wife did remark,
+    And some angry words, too, did she mutter.
+          On a lark he went out,
+          Of that fact there's no doubt,
+    But he came in, alas! on a shutter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CONDON--Have you been cured of that last attack of malaria?
+
+DENBY--Oh, yes, Doctress Anna Curem knocked it silly. But her
+treatment left me with a worse disease than malaria ever was.
+
+"You don't say so!"
+
+"Yes, sir; I've got an incurable case of heart disease now."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    For years she'd heard her husband sadly say:
+      "Can't we have pies like mother used to bake?"
+    At last she cried: "Of course we can, you Jay,
+      When you make dough that papa used to make."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+YANKEE--"I say, Britisher, can you spell horse?"
+
+ENGLISHMAN--"'Orse? Why, certainly. It honly takes a haitch and a
+ho and a har and a hess and a he to spell 'orse."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What is the meaning of the saying that a man shall earn his
+bread in the sweat of his brow?" asked a boy in a New York
+school.
+
+"Have you never observed a man working on a warm day?" asked the
+teacher.
+
+"No, don't think I ever saw one."
+
+"What does your father do on a right hot day?"
+
+"He goes in bathing out at Coney Island."
+
+"What is your father's business?"
+
+"He is a walking delegate."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    A tramp asked a farmer for something to eat
+      One day as he chanced there to stop,
+    The kind hearted farmer went out to the shed
+    And gave him an axe and feelingly said:
+      "Now just help yourself to a chop."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Yes" said a landlord, sadly, whose tenant had made a moonlight
+"flitting," "appearances are deceitful; but disappearances are
+still more so."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Sailors are not fond of agricultural implements usually, but they
+always welcome the cry of "Land-hoe."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Some men divide their lives between trying to forget and trying
+to recover from the effects of trying to forget.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Castles in the air are walled in by fancy," remarked the poet.
+"Faith, I'd prefer a _rale_ fence," said Pat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A boy who is frequently chastised both by his mother and
+grandmother, speaks of them as "a spanking team."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A man aroused his wife from a sound sleep, the other night,
+saying that he had seen a ghost in the shape of a donkey.
+
+"Oh! let me sleep," the irate dame rejoined, "and don't be
+frightened at your own shadow."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What a fearful night I had when I drew this gun the first time!"
+said the bartender, as he showed a handsome silver-mounted Colt.
+
+"When was it?" gasped the crowd.
+
+"Night before last at the raffle in Kelley's!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Gee whizz!" said the boy who had been forced to take castor oil.
+"I do wish ma was a Christian Scientist!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+If you want to see a strong organization, look at the whisky
+dealers; if you want to see a weak one, look at the consumers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    With cards and dice, and dress and friends,
+      My savings are complete;
+    I light the candle at both ends,
+      And thus make both ends meet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"There goes a man who leads in letters."
+
+"Ah, indeed! What's his name?"
+
+"A.A. Adams."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Lawyers practice at the bar, while bartenders and mosquitoes
+practice inside of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A squall on the sea is a stress of weather, and a squaller on
+land is a songstress.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Adversity is not without comfort--your enemy may be in harder
+luck than you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+When a man is short of money he finds most of his friends whom he
+meets short-sighted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    A beautiful lassie named Florence,
+    Once wept till her tears flowed in torence.
+          When asked why she cried,
+          She sighed, and replied,
+    "The Sheriff's been here with some worence."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+In this glorious land of the free, you always have to pay for the
+drinks in order to get a whack at the free lunch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+GRACE--"Fred and Mabel are not on speaking terms any more."
+
+BELLA--"Why, I thought they were engaged."
+
+GRACE--"So they are. They just sit for hours and hold each
+other's hands."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Do you believe in luck?"
+
+"Sometimes. See that fat woman with the red hat over there?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Twenty years ago she refused to marry me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Haven't I told you before," he cried, "to sing out the names of
+stations clearly and distinctly? Bear in mind. Sing 'em out. Do
+you hear?"
+
+"I will sir."
+
+And when the next train came in the passengers were considerably
+astonished to hear Pat sing:
+
+    "Sweet Dreamland Faces
+      Passing to and fro,
+    Change here for Limerick,
+      Galway and Mayo."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"A butcher knows how to make both ends meet."
+
+"Yes, if you give him the proper steer."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"That man has had five wives."
+
+"Tandem or simultaneously?"
+
+"I don't understand."
+
+"Is he a Mormon or a Chicago man?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HE--How does it happen that none of you women have come forward
+with a new currency plan?
+
+SHE--Oh, we already have a perfect one. When we need currency we
+just sit down and cry for it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A boil in the pot is worth two on the neck.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Letters from, a soldier of fortune--I.O.U.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    "I'm very much surprised," quoth Harry,
+    "That Jane a gambler should marry."
+    "I'm not at all," her sister says,
+    "You know he has such _winning ways_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Whether tall men, or short men are best,
+      Or bold men, or modest and shy men,
+    I can't say, but this I protest,
+      All the fair are in favor of _Hy-men_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+An Irishman wandering up Fifth avenue saw in the window of a
+photographer's shop a large photograph of Mephisto. He went
+inside, and after gazing about the walls, said to the proprietor:
+
+"I want to have a pichtur taken av meself an' me bruther. How
+much?"
+
+The proprietor named the figure.
+
+"All right," said Pat. "Will you take it now?"
+
+"Where is your brother?" asked the photographer. "He's in
+Ireland," was the reply.
+
+"Well my man," said the photographer, "we can't take his picture
+unless he is here."
+
+"That's funny," said Pat. "Ye took a pichtur of the divil, an'
+he's down below."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Did you shoot anything, Henrick?"
+
+"Yes, a duck."
+
+"What! a wild one?"
+
+"No, but the farmer was wild."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HE--"The fact is, you women make fools of the men."
+
+SHE--"Sometimes, perhaps; but sometimes we don't have to."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What was the subject of your debate this evening?"
+
+"Whisky."
+
+"Was it well discussed?"
+
+"Yes, most of the members were full of the subject."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE DOCTOR--"You regard society as merely a machine, do you? What
+part of the machinery do you consider me, for instance?"
+
+THE PROFESSOR--"You are one of the cranks."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Do you think the elevator boy stole your watch?"
+
+"Well, he swore up and down that he didn't."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SLOPAY--"And, doctor, if you will, I wish you would give me
+something to help my memory. I forget so easily."
+
+DOCTOR--"Very well. I'll send you a bill every month."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+If the devil lost its tail, where would he go to get another one?
+
+To a liquor store where they retail spirits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What must a man be that he shall be buried with military
+honors?"
+
+"He must be a captain."
+
+"Then I lose the bet."
+
+"What did you bet?"
+
+"I bet he must be dead."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ACTOR FRIEND (inquiring at boarding house)--Has Mr. Comedy taken
+his departure yet?
+
+"Yes," snapped the landlady, "but that's all he did take; I've
+got his wardrobe."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"We have German bands and French bands and American bands, but
+you never hear of an Irish band. You couldn't have one. Every man
+would want to be leader."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    He dined, not wisely, but too well--
+      Hence all his ills;
+    And nothing now agrees with him,
+      Excepting pills.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TOMMY--Yes, cats can see in the dark, and so can Ethel; 'cause
+when Mr. Wright walked into the parlor when she was sitting all
+alone in the dark, I heard her say to him, "Why, Arthur, you
+didn't get shaved to-day."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Too bad they can't train cats to understand baseball," remarked
+the fat man to his neighbor on the bleachers. "They'd make ideal
+umpires. One life for each inning."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Oh, I am awfully worried. I walk in my sleep." "I only wish I
+could do it. If I could I'd still have my job on the police
+force."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    He was a genial, smiling man
+      And fond of whisky plain,
+    But when he joined the temperance club,
+      He never smiled again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    She wants to be punctual, always on time,
+      So carries her watch where she goes.
+    And if you examine her wardrobe you'll find
+      She even has clocks on her hose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MERCHANT (to his confidential clerk)--Here's a letter from Mr.
+Slowpay, but no money. What's the matter with him?
+
+CLERK--Oh, he's all write.
+
+"Who's all write?"
+
+"Slowpay."
+
+But they didn't cheer any, for there's no cheer in such writing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Only a silver watch," said the pawnbroker. "The last time I
+advanced you money on your watch it had a solid gold case."
+
+"Yes," replied Hard-uppe, "but--er--circumstances alter cases,
+you know."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+VISITOR--"Oh, what a nice parrot you've got! Pretty Polly! Polly
+want a cracker?"
+
+PARROT--"Oh, come off! I'm not as green as I look."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Dear," said the physician's wife, "when can you let me have ten
+dollars?"
+
+"Well," replied the medical man. "I hope to cash a draft
+shortly."
+
+"Cash a draft? What draft?"
+
+"The one I saw old Jenkins sitting in this morning."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NEWLYWED-"What do bachelors know about women?"
+
+OLDBACH-"Lots; otherwise they would not be bachelors."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"And did you never kiss a girl under the mistletoe?"
+
+"Well, no; its pleasanter to kiss her under the nose."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+WIFE-Will you see that my grave is kept green, my darling?
+
+HUSBAND--No, my dear, but I will plant violets upon it.
+
+"For what reason?"
+
+"Because I do not wish any grave-robber to dig up your body."
+
+"How will the planting of violets upon my grave prevent them from
+digging me up?"
+
+"Your grave will be kept inviolate, of course."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HAUGHTY LADY--(who has purchased a stamp)-Must I put it on
+myself?
+
+POST OFFICE ASSISTANT (very politely)--Not necessarily, ma'am; it
+will probably accomplish more if you put it on the letter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    My dentist has an eagle eye
+      And vicious tools he hacks with,
+    He's clever, but I've come to think
+      He'd make a better blacksmith.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Well, I see Admiral Dewey's rank is reduced."
+
+"What is he, a commodore?"
+
+"No."
+
+"A captain?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Well, what is he?"
+
+"Mrs. Dewey's second mate."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Well, have you anything to say?" asked the Judge.
+
+The little man on the witness stand looked around the court-room
+rather fearfully.
+
+"That depends," he answered at last "Is my wife in the room?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I hope they don't give my little boy any naughty nicknames in
+school?"
+
+"Yes, ma, they call me 'Corns'."
+
+"How dreadful! And why do they call you that?"
+
+"Cause in our class, you know, I'm always at the foot."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Every time I get on a ferry boat it makes me cross."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"How is Uncle Mose coming on?" asked Sam Johnsing of Jim Webster.
+
+"He will be out in a few days."
+
+"Is his rheumatism done gone?"
+
+"Well, not perzackly. Dar's room for improvement yit."
+
+"Yes, I've heerd some rheumers ter dat effec'."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+--"When Mrs. Riley died she left $40,000 sewed up in her bustle."
+
+--"Dear me! That's a lot of money to leave behind."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"John, can you tell me the difference between attraction of
+gravitation and attraction of cohesion?"
+
+"Yes, sir; attraction of gravitation pulls a drunken man down to
+the ground and the attraction of cohesion prevents his getting up
+again."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+DOCTOR--You are fagged out; you must give up all headwork.
+
+PATIENT--Why, that spells ruin! I'm a hair-dresser!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+After a man has had occasion to employ a first-class lawyer it is
+useless to tell him that talk is cheap.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    "My dear, what makes you always yawn?"
+    The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,
+      "Is home so dull and dreary?"
+      "Not so, my love," he said, "Not so;
+    But man and wife are _one_, you know;
+      And when _alone_ I'm weary!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A man stole a harness the other day and never left a trace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Why does a donkey eat thistles?" asked a Texas teacher of one of
+the largest boys in the class.
+
+"Because he is an ass, I reckon."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Doing anything now, Bill?"
+
+"Oh, yes, I'm kept busy all the time."
+
+"Ah, glad to hear it. What are you doing?"
+
+"Looking for a job."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Jones caught the hay fever from dancing with a grass widow."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Of all the saws
+    That I ever saw saw,
+    I never saw a saw
+    Saw like this saw saws.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I see villainy in your face," said a judge to a prisoner.
+
+"May it please your honor," said the latter, "that is a personal
+reflection."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Don't pen missives to your best girl on postal cards. She may
+have suspicion that you do not care two cents for her.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Can you give me a front room on the first floor?" asked a
+travelling man of the recently installed clerk.
+
+"Can I give it to you?"
+
+"Yes, that is what I remarked."
+
+"That's queer," said the clerk, "you're the fourth man to-day who
+thought I owned this hotel."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I know a man who says he can't sit down and he can't stand up."
+
+"Well, if he tells the truth, he lies."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Mirrors reflect without speaking and women often speak without
+reflecting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    A mechanic his labor will often discard,
+      If the rate of his pay he dislikes:
+    But a clock-and its case is uncommonly hard--
+      Will continue to work though it _strikes_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I don't think my religion will be any obstacle to your church,"
+he urged; "I am a spiritualist."
+
+"I am afraid it will," she replied "Pa is a prohibitionist, you
+know."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"One day in the dining-car, the boy across the aisle got to
+laughing so, he couldn't stop. I said to his mother, 'that boy
+needs a spanking.' She said, 'well, I don't believe in spanking a
+boy on a full stomach.' I said, 'neither do I. Turn him over-'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The tramp should never complain of hunger when he can always
+enjoy a little loaf.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    "My face is my fortune, sir," she said,
+      But her suitor saw right through her;
+    She meant she could not cash a check,
+      Unless the banker knew her.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I understand that Judge Brown is breaking up housekeeping."
+
+"That can't be. He's very busy these days deciding divorce
+cases."
+
+"Well, isn't that what I said?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"That was a pretty good dog story, wasn't it?" asked Dinwiddie,
+as he finished telling one.
+
+"Yes," replied Gaswell; "but it was too long. It ought to have
+been curtailed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Casey bet on a horse which finished last. He went down to the
+paddock, called out the jockey who had ridden him and said: "In
+hivin's name, young man, phwat delayed you?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"And you really think that a miss is as good as a mile?"
+
+"Yaas, and a good deal better, for one can kiss a miss, when one
+couldn't kiss a mile, don'cher know?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FRIEND--Do you permit your wife to have her own way?
+
+HUSBAND (positively)--No, sir. She has it without my permission.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I'm not surprised that hair-dressers feel so much at ease in the
+society of the great."
+
+"You're not?"
+
+"No; they are surrounded at home by any number of big-wigs."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+She--They say the eyes are the windows of the soul, I believe.
+
+He--Yes; and when a man goes into a drug store and shuts a window
+quickly, the clerk knows just about what the poor soul wants.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BOY (with new gun)--"Pa, has a cat got nine lives?"
+
+PAPA (donor of gun)--"Yes, so we are told. Why do you ask?"
+
+BOY--"Well, then, Mr. Brown's tabby's got eight coming to her."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What became of that girl you made love to in the hammock?"
+
+"We fell out."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Did you hear the story about the peacock?"
+
+"No."
+
+"It's a beautiful tale."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Boss, hab you got any ob dem confound cavortic pills?"
+
+"Yes. Do you want them plain or coated?"
+
+"Dunno. I want dem ones what's whitewashed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Why is a kiss like the three graces?"
+
+"Its faith to a girl; hope to a young woman and charity to an old
+maid."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Things are wrong," remarked the observer of events and things,
+"when a reputable physician has to pay money for a certificate to
+practice, and a fourteen-year-old girl with a new piano doesn't."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"In choosing a wife," said the scanty-haired philosopher, "one
+should never judge by appearances."
+
+"That's right," rejoined the very young man. "The homeliest girls
+usually have the most money."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Say, did you ever feel as if you wanted to 'hit the pipe?'"
+
+"No, but I've often felt as if I wanted to hit the man who was
+smoking it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"It was this a-way, jedge: Ye see, I doled de cards, and Jim
+Brown he had a pah of aces and a pah of kings."
+
+"What did you have?"
+
+"Three aces, jedge, and----"
+
+"What did Jim do?"
+
+"Jim, he drew."
+
+"What did he draw?"
+
+"He drew a razzer, jedge."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Have you received last month's gas bill, dear?"
+
+"Yes, husband."
+
+"Well, what's the charge of the light brigade?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"You are absolutely certain about your statement?" asked the
+lawyer.
+
+"Absolutely certain," assented the witness.
+
+"You swear that this is true?"
+
+"I do."
+
+"Would you bet on it?"
+
+"Er--well--yes, if I got the right odds."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Where did you get that hair on your coat?"
+
+"From the head of the bed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MR. B.--"You won't want that new novel now that you have the new
+baby, will you?"
+
+MRS. B.--"Yes, I want them both. To have and to hold."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SHE--"You say your automobile has been acting strangely all day?"
+
+HE--"Yes; it has stopped I don't know how many times."
+
+SHE--"And what are you putting the oil on it for?"
+
+HE--"To stop it stopping."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Massachusetts is noted for boots and shoes."
+
+"Yes and Kentucky is noted for shoots and booze."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Only the highest element in local society was invited to the
+ball."
+
+"Oh, I see! It was a high-ball."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SHE--"A writer says that in order to succeed a man must be
+ninety-five per cent. backbone."
+
+HE--"Oh, I don't know. A good many who have managed to arrive are
+ninety-five per cent. cheek."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SILLICUS--Do you think we shall know each other in the hereafter?
+
+CYNICUS--I hope so. Few of us really know each other here.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Some fellows marry poor girls to settle down and others marry
+rich ones to settle up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Some people who jump at conclusions lose sight of the hurdles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"It's a dridful bother to me that I have to be sewing buttons on
+me own clothes. If I was only a married man I'd ask me woife
+niver to allow our son to grow up an ould batchler like his
+fayther."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SHE--You can't eat cake and keep it.
+
+HE--Oh, yes, you can--the kind you make.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Says his lordship to Thomas, "Your rent I must raise,
+      I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf."
+    "Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good.
+    For I never can _raise it_ myself."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SCENE--Cabstand. Lady distributing tracts, hands one to cabby,
+who glances at it, hands it back and says politely, "Thank you,
+lady, but I'm a married man." Lady nervously looks at the title,
+and reading, "Abide with me," hurriedly departs, to the great
+amusement of cabby.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SENTIMENTAL WIFE--Last night I dreamt that I was in heaven.
+
+GRUFF HUSBAND--You did, eh? Why the deuce didn't you stay there?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    He said to her: "You're just a bird!"
+      "Then, Johnnie, dear," said she,
+    "If all is true that I have heard,
+      A bottle goes with me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A Frankfort man has written a farce comedy called "Vaccine." It
+ought to take.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+As the umpire shouted "Three balls!" the batsman started
+guiltily.
+
+"This isn't the first time I've raised something on a diamond,"
+he muttered, as he hit the next one and knocked a pop-fly to the
+pitcher.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HUSBAND--"Where's your mistress? She said she'd be ready in a
+minute, and I've waited half an hour."
+
+MAID--"She'll be down in a second, sir. She's changing her
+complexion to match her new gown."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    "Ah! I'm saddest when I sing,"
+      She sang in plaintive key;
+    And all the neighbors yelled,
+      "So are we! so are we."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Pa, what does Sioux Falls, S.D., mean?"
+
+"Eh? Sioux Falls is the name of a town."
+
+"And what's S.D.?"
+
+"Swift divorce, of course."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    A watch's fate is hard indeed,
+      For when it's not in soak
+    It's set back if it gets ahead
+      And scorned whene'er it's broke.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    After wedding a rich heiress, Price
+    Said, "Gambling's a terrible vice,
+        But one thing I know,
+      This matching for dough
+    Is a thing that's exceedingly nice."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Firemen, as well as other people, like to talk of their flames.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The speaker of the house is in deadly peril when every member on
+the floor wants to get his eye.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+I asked a young lady living on her pa's farm what they did with
+all their fruit? Says she: "We eat all we can and can all we
+can't."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+REGULAR CALLER--"I'd like to see your father, Tommy, if he isn't
+engaged."
+
+TOMMY--"He is; but what is the matter with Clara? She isn't
+engaged."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What is a swell affair, Jim?"
+
+"Swell affair! lemme see. Ah! yes, I know--a boil."
+
+"Something else, try again."
+
+"No, give it up."
+
+"A hill, ye know. Don't ye see, a hill is a swell affair, and
+besides all hills have got crests."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"There's a great art," says Mickey Dolan, "in knowing what not to
+know whin yez don't want to know it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"And so Prof. Greene has at last discovered the missing link!
+Where did he find it?"
+
+"Under the bureau, I understand."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Young ladies who feel anxious to preserve the most symmetrical
+anatomical proportions, should never be in a hurry. They should
+remember that 'haste' makes waist."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Anything new in your neighborhood?" we asked a farmer.
+
+"Yes, the whole neighborhood is stirred up," he replied.
+
+"What is the cause?" we asked eagerly.
+
+"Ploughing."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I don't give a rap," said the coachman, haughtily, as he rang
+the electric bell.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    A farmer once called his cow "Zephyr,"
+    She seemed such an amiable hephyr.
+        When the farmer drew near,
+        She kicked off his ear,
+    And now the old farmer's much dephyr.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Are you engaged?" inquired the lady of Bridget at the
+intelligence office. "No, mum, but I have regular company for
+four nights o' the week."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+How to gain flesh--buy out a butcher shop.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+IDA--"Yes, dear, this is one of those 'perfume' concerts the same
+as they have in New York."
+
+MAY--"Perfume? Why I smell gasoline."
+
+IDA--"Well, you see, they are playing the 'Automobile March'
+now."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+When the curtain at the theater takes a drop the majority of the
+males in the audience go out to follow suit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"There's one peculiar feature about the trust business."
+
+"What?"
+
+"Those interested in it don't need it."
+
+"Don't need what?"
+
+"Trust. They can pay cash."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A woman's shoe that is "a mile too big," is never a foot in
+length.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Full many a coat tail that is long and wide
+    Does from the public gaze two monstrous patches hide.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The glazier is not necessarily a tiresome man because he "gives
+you a pane."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Some men are easily satisfied," remarked the Observer of Events
+and Things. "There is the clock-maker, for instance, he never
+gets any extra pay, and yet every day he works overtime."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A poacher, surprised at his work and pursued in his escape by a
+vengefully thrown axe, remarked, as he vaulted a fence: "I have
+no fault to find with your remarks, but I object to the
+axe-sent."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Take away my first letter, take away my second letter, take away
+all my letters and I am still the same. What am I? The postman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"You have been losing flesh lately, haven't you?" "Yes, I've been
+shaving myself."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    An emblem of tenuity
+      We witness every day;
+    Behold the corset-and you'll see
+      The whale-bone comes to STAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HE--Did you ever see anything at so-called bargain sales that was
+really cheap?
+
+SHE--Yes; the look on the man's face who accompanied his wife to
+one of them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TEACHER OF DRAWING CLASS--"Willie, tell me how you would make a
+maltese cross."
+
+WILLIE--"Step on his tail, mum."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+GUEST--"Look here, waiter, do you call this a spring chicken? By
+the lord Harry, it is as tough as a mother-in-law's tongue."
+
+WAITER--"Yes, sir, I suppose it was hatched from a hardboiled
+egg!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"About the only time my tailor gives his customers regular fit,"
+said Buttons, "is when they neglect to pay their bills."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A man with the heart disease is about the only chap who desires a
+"regular beat" for a bosom friend.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The landlord came to Mrs. O'Hooligan on the first day of May
+last, and said: "See here, my foine loidy, I am going to raise
+your rent." "Oh thanks be to the Lord," said Mrs. O'Hooligan,
+"I'm so glad that you intend to raise it for me as Dan aint'
+working and I'm nather able nor willing to raise it myself."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HE--The bride looks radiant, as brides usually do.
+
+SHE--Yes, but the bridegroom appears rather run down.
+
+HE--Run down eh? That's just it; caught after a long chase.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SHE--You look as though you had raised Ned at your club last
+night.
+
+HE--I did; and, what is worse, he raised me back.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FRANKLIN--"Do you know, I started in life as a barefooted boy?"
+
+HARDY--"Well, I'll tell you I wasn't born with shoes on."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Before marriage, women wants tenderness. In a little while she is
+satisfied with legal tender.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PAT--Who is being lowered into a well; "Sthop, will ye, Murphy?
+Oi want to coom up again."
+
+MURPHY--Still letting him down, "Phat for?"
+
+PAT--"Oi'll Show ye. Af ye don't sthop lettin' me doon, Oi'll cut
+the rope."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+It is a Maine husband who has dubbed his wife "Crystal," because
+she is always "on the watch."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"So Maude is happily married?"
+
+"Happily? I should say she is! Why she married a somnambulist,
+who gets up in his sleep every morning and builds the fire."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Two Hebrews went to a Mills Hotel and were obliged to take a bath
+before retiring.
+
+Upon beholding each other, one shouted in surprise, "Oh, Abey,
+how dirty you are!"
+
+"Vell, what you tink?" said Abey, "I'm three years older dan
+you."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A teacher in a high school asked a little wad of an Irish boy to
+describe a lake. "Sure and it is hole in the kettle."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The first kiss only comes once in a lifetime.
+
+The trouble with the fellow who loses his temper is that he
+always finds it again.
+
+The man who plays the bass drum should have no difficulty in
+beating his way.
+
+An amateur performance for charity demonstrates that charity
+uncovers a multitude of sins.
+
+It takes a musical crank to play a hand organ.
+
+It is possible to square yourself without resorting to cube root.
+
+While some people mount upward to the pinnacle of fame, others
+reach the height of folly.
+
+A faint heart may never win a fair lady, but five of them have
+won many a jackpot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    The portrait tumbled from the wall
+        And hit the young man's head.
+    "A striking likeness!" That was all
+      The rueful punster said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The fact that a man has not cut his hair for ten or twelve years
+need not necessarily imply that he is eccentric. He may be bald.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+When a couple are about to elope the young man asks, "Does your
+mother know your route?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I will not sit that way!" angrily screamed the obstinate lady in
+the photographer's gallery. "I can't, and I won't; so there!"
+
+"Madame," said the photographer, "it will be impossible for me to
+make a good negative of you unless you quit being so positive."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+An Irishman in order to celebrate the advent of a new era, went
+out on a lark. He didn't get home, till 3 o'clock in the morning,
+and was barely in the house before a nurse rushed up and,
+uncovering a bunch of soft goods, showed him triplets. The
+Irishman looked up at the clock which said 3, then at the three
+of a kind in the nurse's arms, and said: "O'im not superstitious,
+but thank Hivins thot Oi didn't come home at twilve!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Good gracious," said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg
+on the nest. "I shall be a bricklayer next."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Are you intimate with any of the nobility?" asked Chippy. "Well,
+rather!" replied Clubdoodle. "I got a queen full last night, and
+had a high old time with four kings."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Electricity is a great educator. Think what it has done to make
+men see things in a new light.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Will the coming man use both arms?" asks a scientist. "Yes, if
+he can trust the girl to handle the reins."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I hear Smith, the sea captain, is in hard luck. He married a
+girl and she ran away from him."
+
+"Yes, he took her for a mate, but she was a skipper."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Another great discovery of diamonds in Kentucky! A man got five
+of them on the first deal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What makes so much froth in a glass of beer, pa?"
+
+"The barkeep, my son."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MOSES SCHAUMBURG (to his son Jackey)--"How many are twice two,
+Jackey?"
+
+JACKEY-"Tervice two ish six."
+
+"You are wrong, Jackey. Six vas too mooch."
+
+"Don't I know dot, fadder, already some times ago. But I shoot
+said six so dot you could Chew me down."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    'Tis now the wily urchin mocks
+    The lynx-eyed cop along the docks,
+    And plunges in the cooling tide,
+    Arrayed in naught else but his hide.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Everybody knows a woman is hard to please. She likes the
+matrimonial harness, but doesn't like to be hitched up with a man
+who is strapped.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I wonder why blondes are always anxious to be wedded?"
+
+"I guess it is because they're naturally light-headed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Each evening a good-looking Mr.
+    Comes around for a visit to my Sr.;
+          One night on the stairs,
+          He, all unawares,
+    Put his arm round her figure and Kr.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Do you know the nature of an oath, ma'am?" inquired the judge.
+"Well, I reckon I orter," was the reply. "My husband drives a
+canal boat."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BROWN--"Young Dudel's body has been recovered." "Why, I didn't
+know he had been drowned." "He hasn't. He merely bought a new
+suit of clothes."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Hart the millionaire, did not
+have a pair of shoes to cover his feet."
+
+"And when was that, pray?"
+
+"At the time he was bathing."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Widowhood makes a woman unselfish." "Why so?" "Because she
+ceases to look out for Number One and begins to look out for
+Number Two."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The judge asked an Irish policeman named O'Connell, "When did you
+last see your sister?" The policeman replied: "The last time I
+saw her, Judge, was about eight months ago, when she called at my
+home, and I was out." "Then you did not see her on that
+occasion?" "No, Judge; I wasn't there."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+If Broomstick, as rumored, is in a woman's hands, he may be
+booked to beat the favorite.
+
+Torchlight and Igniter, coupled should prove a red hot
+combination, but with Extinguisher in the race might not bring in
+any money to burn.
+
+Animosity evidently has it in for some of the others.
+
+Surmise ought to keep a lot of them guessing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BROWN--What kind of a cigar is that, old man?
+
+JONES--It's called "The Soldier Boy."
+
+BROWN--H'm, I notice it belongs to the ranks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Can I sell you a nice cheap trunk to-day?" asked a dealer.
+
+"And what the dickens do Oi be after wantin' a thrunk?"
+
+"To put your clothes in, of course!"
+
+"And go naked? Not a bit iv it!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+We are told that "Gen. Sherman was always coolest when on the
+point of attack." Most people are hottest when on the point of a
+tack.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I wish the hot weather would come along," sighed the
+thermometer. "People are beginning to look upon me as a thing of
+low degree."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I wouldn't stand for that if I were you. Why don't you call him
+a liar?"
+
+"That's just what I'll do. Where, where is your telephone?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"This," murmured the demure maiden, when her lover nudged up
+still closer on the sofa, "is the closest call I've ever had."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The rapidity of ocean transport is becoming truly marvelous. A
+sea captain boasts that he finished loading a cargo of wheat at
+San Francisco by dinner time, and then went to China for tea.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"You are making yourself rather officious in this crowd," said a
+burly policeman to a notorious pickpocket. "I am only trying to
+dis-purse them," said the thief.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The slats of the shutter of our office-window are in a
+dilapidated condition. "Please help the blind."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Did you ever catch your husband flirting?"
+
+"Yes; that's the very way I did catch him."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A deaf and dumb mute recently went into a bicycle shop and picked
+up a hub and spoke.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The girl who marries a title very frequently turns her fortune to
+a count.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+There appears to be no affinity between the prestidigitator and
+the theatrical manager, yet they both make passes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+We don't always know just how the "other half" lives; but, in
+Chicago, the "better half" lives on her alimony.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What did de lady do when yer asked her for an old collar?"
+
+"She gave me a turndown."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Are any of the colors discernible to the touch?" asked the
+school teacher.
+
+"I have often felt blue," replied the boy at the head of the
+class.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What is there about betting on horse-races that is so bad for
+the health?" said young Mrs. Brown.
+
+"I never heard of anything," answered the visitor.
+
+"Didn't you? Every time Charley makes a bet he comes home and
+says there is something wrong with his system."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Jackson never lights one of his cigars. Just keeps it in his
+mouth and chews the end. I've often wondered why."
+
+"You wouldn't if you had ever smoked one of them."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Jones the dentist, ought to make a good poker player.
+
+Why?
+
+He draws and fills so well.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Customer (to the coal dealer): "Have you got any name for those
+scales of yours?"
+
+"I never heard of scales having a name."
+
+"Well, you ought to call your scales Ambush. You see, they are
+always lying in weight."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FIRST SENIOR--Heard about Exsheff? He went down into South
+Africa, and he's come home a regular repository of Zulu
+spearheads and Boer bullets.
+
+SECOND SENIOR--I always said he had good metal in him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What makes your sister so stout now, she used to be very thin?"
+
+"She's working down in a photographer's."
+
+"Why, how does that make any difference?"
+
+"Well, she's in the developing room most of the time."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+JACK--"Are you a suitor for Miss Juliet's hand?"
+
+TOM--"Yes; but I didn't."
+
+"Didn't what?"
+
+"Suit her."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What's the matter with Smith?"
+
+"Why?"
+
+"He goes along as abstractedly as though he were drunk and were
+seeing double."
+
+"He is. They have twins at his home."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Business men who marry their typewriter girls are apt to find
+that the young women are not so ready to submit to dictation
+after the wedding.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The first impulse of the young married man, on being presented
+with his first baby, is to give it a-weigh.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MRS. B.--Have you seen the new dance called "The Automobile?"
+
+MR. B.--No; sort of breakdown, I suppose?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A young lady in Philadelphia is said to have had five lovers, all
+named Samuel. Her photograph album must be a book of Sams.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"You should sleep on your right side, madam."
+
+"I really can't do it, doctor; my husband talks in his sleep, and
+I can't hear a thing with my left ear."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+There is a Presbyterian in Jersey City so openly opposed to
+baptism by immersion that he refuses to carry a Waterbury watch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The following is a resolution of an Irish corporation: "That a
+new jail should be built, that this be done out of the material
+of the old one, and the old jail to be used until the new one be
+completed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+City Niece--"The windows in our new church are stained."
+
+Country Aunt--"Ain't that a pity. Can't they get nothing to take
+it off?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Broker--"Don't you find it easier to shave some men than others?"
+
+Barber--"Yes; don't you?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Say Dad, what is an expert accountant?"
+
+"An expert accountant," replied the father, "is a man who becomes
+famous by robbing a bank for two years before he is discovered."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Some men get up with the lark, while others want a swallow the
+first thing in the morning.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HE--Time and tide wait for no man.
+
+SHE--No, but a woman will.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Sing not to me of falling dew
+      Upon the purple hills,
+      For I am worried far too much
+      By falling due of bills.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"You say his wife's a brunette? I thought he married a blonde."
+
+"He did, but she dyed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Miss Prim is a very proper young lady."
+
+"Yes; she wouldn't even accompany a young man on the piano
+without a chaperon."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"He's quite a star as an after dinner speaker, isn't he?"
+
+"Star? He's a regular moon. He becomes brighter the fuller he
+gets."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+DICK--"Do you think you'll have much trouble in popping the
+question?"
+
+TOM--"No, I think I'll have more trouble in questioning the pop."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+What do you think of Windig?
+
+He reminds me of a river.
+
+What's the answer?
+
+The biggest part of him is his mouth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Here is a chestnut your ire arouses,
+      So often it's brought to your minds,
+    "People who live in glass houses"
+      Should always "pull down the blinds."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Yes, the team is quite a good one, Mr. Horsley," he said as he
+returned the livery man's brag team, "but it has two drawbacks."
+"Oh, indeed; and may I inquire what they are?" "The lines."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The old lady who sent as presents to a newly-married couple a
+rolling-pin, a pain of flat-irons and a motto inscribed "Fight
+On," must have a grudge against them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A man who had not the best reputation for strict veracity died
+the other day, and the family was greatly incensed because some
+well-meaning friends sent in a broken lyre as a floral tribute.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"It's been a coal day when you're left," said the kindling-wood
+to the cinder. "You're too chip-per," replied the cinder to the
+kindling wood. "Go to blazes," said the match, as it dropped in
+and fired both up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"That young gentleman has a very taking manner," said one young
+lady to another at a party, of a young man who had just left
+them.
+
+"Yes," was the reply, "that's his business."
+
+"His business? What is he?"
+
+"A photographer."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+KID--Did the dogs ever bite you?
+
+GENT--What dogs?
+
+KID--The dogs you ran after. Pa was telling Ma that you used to
+chase the growler when he first knew you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+GUARD--I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket
+fence?
+
+G.A.R.--Yes, but is was a more common sight to see a sentry box.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+      A simple old farmer, McVeagh,
+    Whom every one said was a jeagh,
+              Fell in with a man
+              On the confidence plan,
+    And now he is back making heagh.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Why, the bare idea!"
+
+"Of what, dear?"
+
+"Telling the naked truth!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BESS--May wears the worst clothes when she is riding horseback.
+Look at her now!
+
+FRED--That certainly is one of her bad habits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"That," said the loaf, pointing to the oven, "is where I was
+bred."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FIRST FLY--Did it ever occur to you the baldheaded men have a
+keener sense of humor than others?
+
+SECOND FLY--Well, I have noticed that they seem to be easily
+tickled.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    The rubber plant was rubb'ring round
+      In a manner most absurd:
+    The long green corn prickled up her ears
+      And this is what she heard:
+
+    "Wot's tomato wid you, you beat?"
+      Asked the onion of the hash,
+      "I'm jealous of the potato,
+    Because he's got a mash.
+
+    "He is stuck on the honeycomb,
+      And suits her to a tea,
+    I used to be in love myself,
+      But the cream has soured on me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Why do you call your dog hardware?"
+
+"Because when I go to whip him he makes a bolt for the door."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HUSBAND--That ice box of ours reminds me of a good pinochle
+player.
+
+WIFE--Why?
+
+HUSBAND--Because it is a great melter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HE: Do you know, dear, you remind me of Huyler's candy.
+
+SHE: Why? Because I am "so sweet?"
+
+HE: No! "Fresh every hour."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LANDLADY (proudly)--Nothing goes to waste in this house. I make
+hash out of everything that's left over.
+
+BOARDER--(musingly)--But what do you do with the hash that's left
+over?
+
+LANDLADY--Re-hash it!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"If," said the druggist, "you will give this new tonic a trial
+I'm sure you will never use any other."
+
+"Excuse me," rejoined the customer, "but I prefer something less
+fatal."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Do you know, George, Papa thinks you are a literary man."
+
+"Where did he get that idea?"
+
+"I don't know, but he said you looked just like a bookmaker."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+STUDENT--Professor, which is the logical way of reaching a
+conclusion?
+
+PROFESSOR--Take a train of thought, my boy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SMITH--They say that after a time the engineer of a limited flyer
+loses his nerve.
+
+JONES--The engineer, perhaps, but not the Pullman porter!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What do you mean by referring to Miss Elderly as a pall-bearer?"
+
+"She sits around all day long with a green parrot on her
+shoulder. I don't like such Poll-bearers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+COURTNEY--When you proposed to Miss Dexter did you get down on
+your knees?
+
+BARCLAY--No, I couldn't; she was sitting on them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+KICKSY--Wife, can you tell me why I am like a hen?
+
+MRS. KICKSY--No, dear, why is it?
+
+KICKSY--Because I can seldom find anything where I laid it
+yesterday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Did you ever hear about the two holes in our back-yard?"
+
+"Well! Well!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Old Jones was killed last night by a dew-drop."
+
+"Must have been a very heavy one."
+
+"About four hundred tons."
+
+"Horrible!"
+
+"You see he was standing under the trestle, and a freight train
+ran off the track and dropped on him."
+
+"But how about the dew?"
+
+"Why, the train was due!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FIRST DOCTOR--Well, doctor, I had a peculiar case to-day.
+
+SECOND DOCTOR--What was it, please?
+
+FIRST DOCTOR--I attended a grass widow who is afflicted with hay
+fever.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FRED--Did you hear of The Western Furniture Co. advertising for
+models.
+
+DICK--What for?
+
+FRED--To try on Parlor suits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Yes, there is one part of the dough-nut that wouldn't give you
+dyspepsia."
+
+"And what part is that?"
+
+"The hole in the middle!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FANNIE--Why do people always apply the name of "she" to a city?
+
+GEORGE--I don't know. Why is it?
+
+FANNIE--Because every city has outskirts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"And you really believe that Friday is an unlucky day?"
+
+"I know it is."
+
+"Washington was born on Friday, and so was Napoleon and Tennyson
+and Gladstone."
+
+"Yes, and every mother's son of them is dead!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Are you an amateur photographer?"
+
+"No. Why do you ask?"
+
+"Oh, I heard that you got Miss Rox's negative last night."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Pat and Mike each wanted to be first up on St. Patrick's Day.
+
+PAT--"If I'm up first I'll make a chalk mark on the door."
+
+MIKE--"And if I get up first I'll rub it out!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIBLY--When Steve proposed to me he acted like a fish out of
+water.
+
+TIRPIE--Why shouldn't he? He knew he was caught.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SHE--Why do they call it an arm of the sea?
+
+HE--Because it hugs the shore, I guess.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    The sunshine warm and budding trees,
+      Made Johnny feel quite gay.
+    He went to swim--the obsequies
+      Are being held to-day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What's the matter, John? You look kind o' weather-beaten this
+morning."
+
+"That's exactly what I am. I bet five dollars it would rain
+yesterday, and it didn't!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Can you swim, little boy?"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"Where did you learn?"
+
+"In the water, sir."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MILLIE--"I wonder what the holes in a porous plaster are for?"
+
+WILLIE--"Why, they're for the pain to come out through, of
+course!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"It's a good idea to make light of your troubles." "I do,"
+replied Happigo; "whenever a creditor sends me a letter I burn
+it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What have you got to say for yourself?" "Jes dis, suh; I wants a
+liar to defend me." "You mean a lawyer?" "Yes, suh; I knowed I
+most had it!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"So her second husband is a tenor?"
+
+"Yes; she says her first was a bass deceiver!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I cannot play second fiddle to any one."
+
+"Then be my beau!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+JIMSON--Now, you wouldn't marry me, would you?
+
+MISS SEARS--Most certainly not; but why do you ask such a
+question?
+
+JIMSON--Just to decide a bet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CLARA--"He gave me an army-and-navy kiss."
+
+MAUD--"What kind is that?"
+
+CLARA--"Oh, rapid fire--sixty a minute!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Young man, don't you know you ought to lay something by for a
+rainy day?" "I do; my rubbers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE ONLY REMEDY--"Mamma, I dess you'll have to turn the hose on
+me."
+
+"Why, dear?"
+
+"'Tause I'se dot my 'tocking on wrong side out."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HE--"I saw you out driving yesterday with a gentleman. He
+appeared to have only one arm; is that all he has?"
+
+SHE--"Oh, no; the other arm was around somewhere."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Why are pugilists like chickens?"
+
+"Because they live on 'scraps!'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MAY--I wonder what the men do at the club?
+
+PAMELA--From what Jack says I guess they play with the kitty most
+of the time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SWATTER--I see you are mentioned in one of the books just
+published.
+
+PRIMLY--Indeed! What book?
+
+SWATTER--The directory.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Do you go to church to hear the sermon or the music, Maude?" "I
+go for the hims," said Maud.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CUSTOMER--Why do you call this electric cake?
+
+BAKER'S BOY--I 'spose becuz it has currants in it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"That tenor of yours has a marvelous voice. He can hold one of
+his notes for half a minute."
+
+"Shucks! I've held one of his notes for two years."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Coleridge, who was a bad rider, was accosted when on horseback by
+a wag, who asked him if he knew what happened to Balaam, "The
+same thing that happened to me--An ass spoke to him."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MOTHER--"What did your father say when he saw his broken pipe?"
+Innocent--"Shall I leave out the swear words, mother?"
+Mother--"Certainly, my dear." Innocent--"Then I don't think he
+said anything."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy, were
+you?" asked the garrulous person; "regular comic-opera bandits,
+eh?"
+
+"No sir," said the traveler; "there was nothing of the
+comic-opera style about them. The gags they used were all new."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+An excellent reason.--Casey--"Oi'll wurk no more fer thot mon
+Dolan." Mrs. Casey--"An' phwy?" Casey--"Shure, t'is an account av
+a remark thot he made t' me." Mrs. Casey--"Phwat did he say?"
+Casey--"Sez he, 'Pat, ye're discharged.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+OLD LADY (at a ball game)--"Why do they call that a fowl? I don't
+see no feathers."
+
+O'RILEY--"No ma'am. It's a picked nine."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Men are deceivers as a rule,
+      And trust them far you never can;
+    Though at confectioner's sometimes
+      You may unearth a candied man!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A lady was looking for her husband and inquired anxiously of a
+housemaid, "Do you happen to know anything of your master's
+whereabouts?"
+
+"I'm not sure, ma'am," replied the careful domestic, "but I think
+they are in the wash."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Have you much room in your new flat?"
+
+"Room! Mercy me, I should think not. Why, our kitchen and
+dining-room are so small that we have to use condensed milk."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant." "While
+driving through the park don't speak to your horses. They carry
+tales." "All animals are not in cages. There are some dandelions
+on the lawn."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    She heard the fog-horn blowing,
+      "And what is that?" quoth she,
+      The sailor merrily
+    Replied: "it's just the dog-watch, ma'am,
+      Whose bark is on the sea."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"She thinks that her husband is very economical."
+
+"In what way?"
+
+"She says that although he is passionately fond of cloves, he
+never eats but one at a time."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I saw your sister on the street to-day."
+
+"How was she looking?"
+
+"I don't know. I didn't see her face."
+
+"How did you know it was my sister?"
+
+"Oh, I'm quick at figures."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What is the secret of success?" asked the Sphinx.
+
+"Push," said the Button.
+
+"Never be led," said the Pencil.
+
+"Take pains," said the Window.
+
+"Always keep cool," said the Ice.
+
+"Be up to date," said the Calendar.
+
+"Never lose your head," said the Barrel.
+
+"Make light of everything," said the Fire.
+
+"Do a driving business," said the Hammer.
+
+"Aspire to greater things," said the Nutmeg.
+
+"Be sharp in all your dealings," said the Knife.
+
+"Find a good thing and stick to it," said the Glue.
+
+"Do the work you are suited for," said the Chimney.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    He kissed her on the cheek;
+      It seemed a harmless frolic;
+    He's been laid up a week--
+      They say, with painter's colic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Charlemagne was in need of amusement.
+
+"Why," they asked him, "do you have such a large number of court
+jesters in constant attendance on your royal person?"
+
+"Because," he replied, with a right regal chuckle, "I could not
+earn the surname of 'The Great' were I not careful to keep my
+wits about me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A certain young man told his girl the other night that if she
+didn't marry him he'd get a rope and hang himself right in front
+of her home.
+
+"Oh, please don't do it, Harry," she said. "You know father
+doesn't want you hanging around here."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Three women may a secret keep
+      If, as it has been said,
+    There's one of the lot has heard it not
+      And the other two are dead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Lovett--You don't believe in divorce, then?
+
+Hayter--No, sir; I've got too much sportin' blood.
+
+Lovett--What has that to do with it?
+
+Hayter--I believe in a fight to the finish.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Lawyer: "Have you conscientious scruples against serving as a
+juror where the penalty is death?"
+
+Boston Talesman: "I have."
+
+Lawyer: "What, is your objection?"
+
+Boston Talesman: "I do not desire to die."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Cohen left the ball-game because he said the umpire looked right
+at him when he called "three balls!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"A Maine dealer says he has sold more skates this season than he
+has ever sold before in an entire season."
+
+"That proves what I have contended right along."
+
+"What's that?"
+
+"That prohibition does not prohibit."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Alas, for all their ecstasy,
+      They knew not what was best:
+    The young man reached the front door,
+      The old man did the rest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Paw, can an honest man play poker?"
+
+"Yes, Tommy; but he can't win anything."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    If Pearl Street is crooked;
+    Is Union Square?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Why so glum, Blumly? Anything gone wrong?"
+
+"Yes, I've just lost two of my best friends."
+
+"By death or marriage?"
+
+"Neither. I loaned them money."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Little Mary, quite contrary,
+      How does your appetite grow?
+    Lobsters and quail, champagne in a pail,
+      And a "friend" to supply all the dough!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HE--Then I am to understand that you have given me the mitten, as
+it were?
+
+SHE--You have said it.
+
+HE--And is this all?
+
+SHE--Of course it is. What more do you want--a pair of socks?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Hey, boy, where's your brother?"
+
+"In the barn, shoein' horses."
+
+"Where's your mother?"
+
+"In the back yard, shooin' chickens."
+
+"Where's your father?"
+
+"In the hammock, shooin' flies."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Harold!" began his wife, in a furious temper, "my mind is made
+up----"
+
+"Mercy!" interrupted her husband; "is that so? I had hoped that
+your mind, at least, was your own!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CUSTOMER: "You have a sign in your window, 'A suit of clothes
+made while you wait.' Do you really do that?"
+
+TAILOR: "Yes, sir. You leave your order, with a deposit, and then
+go home and wait till the garments are finished."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    "Mother, may I go out to wheel?"
+      "Yes, my darling daughter;
+    I suppose, of course, you won't wear skirts,
+      Although I think you oughter."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LADY--What! You here again? I don't believe you have done a thing
+all Summer.
+
+TRAMP--You do me an injustice, mum. I jist finished doin' thirty
+days.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Betty, why do you sit up at this hour of the night darning your
+stockings?" said mother, sharply; "don't you know it's 12
+o'clock?"
+
+"Oh, yes," laughed Betty, "but it's never too late to mend!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    "Now, why," remarked the little dog, in speaking to the tree,
+    "Would you say that the heart of you is like the tail of me?"
+    The tree gave the conundrum up. The pup, with wisdom dark,
+    Explained the matter saying, "It is farthest from the bark."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BUTCHER--I need a boy about your size, and will give you $1 a
+week.
+
+APPLICANT--Will I have a chance to rise?
+
+BUTCHER--Yes; I want you to be here at four o'clock in the
+morning.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A prominent man called to condone with a lady on the death of her
+husband, and concluded by saying, "Did he leave you much?"
+
+"Nearly every night," was the reply.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Bill had a billboard. Bill also had a board bill. The board bill
+bored Bill so that Bill sold the billboard to pay board bill. So,
+after Bill sold his billboard to pay his board bill, the board
+bill no longer bored Bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TOMMY--Pa, did you really mean it when you said you'd spank
+anyone that broke that vase?
+
+PA--Just come here, sir, and I'll show you.
+
+TOMMY--Don't show me. Show Bridget; she just broke it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    "Here _lies_ poor Sam: and what is strange,
+      Grim death has worked in him a change----
+    He _always lied_ and always will,
+      He once lied loud and now lies _still_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I'd like to see your mistress. Is she engaged?"
+
+"Lord, sir! she's married; been married for twenty years."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BROWN--I hear that they use all sorts of materials in the
+manufacture of illuminating gas, nowadays.
+
+JONES--True. They even make light of the consumer's complaints.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    "Me eyes is crossed," sighed Kate. "No, love,"
+      "Not crossed," cried Pat. "Be jaber,
+    'Tis jist that aich is jealous of
+      The beauty av its neighbor."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The other day the head of a boarding-school noticed one of the
+boys wiping his knife on the table-cloth, and pounced on him at
+once.
+
+"Is that what you do at home?" he asked indignantly.
+
+"Oh, no," answered the boy quickly, "we have clean knives."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+JOHN--Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money
+fast?
+
+TOM--Sure I do.
+
+JOHN--Glue it to the floor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Pa," said little Willie, who had been reading a treatise on
+phrenology, "what is a bump of destructiveness?"
+
+"Why--er--a railroad collision, I suppose,"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    He always kneeled before the maid
+      And kissed her finger tips;
+    But he lost out. Another man
+      Came by and kissed her lips.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I hope you are not
+going into politics."
+
+"What made you think of that?"
+
+"I heard you talking in your sleep about 'standing pat.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    A man and his bride by the parson were tied,
+      And when the performance was done,
+    "Alas!" exclaimed he, examining his fee,
+      "I add one to one and make one."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MISTRESS (to cook who has fallen down stairs)--I hope that you
+did not hurt yourself, Mary?
+
+MARY--Oh, no, ma'am; Oi overtook meself at the bottom.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    We're all often forced to rob Peter
+      In order to settle with Paul,
+    But some of us merely rob Peter
+      And Paul never sees us at all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SHE--"I think this a lovely hat you bought me, George, but really
+it's a sin to pay $50.00 for it."
+
+HE--"Well, the sin is on your own head, not mine."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Knock, and the world knocks with you;
+      Boost, and you boost alone!
+    When you roast good and loud
+    You will find that the crowd
+      Has a hammer as big as your own!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"How did you cure your boy of swearing?"
+
+"By the laying on of hands, principally."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Ma, what is a Panama man called?"
+
+"A Panaman, Johnny."
+
+"Then what is a Panama woman?"
+
+"If she's married and obeys President Roosevelt she's just a
+plain Panama."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    He who courts and goes away,
+      May court again another day;
+    But he who weds and courts girls still
+      May go to court against his will.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A notice at a small depot near Manchester reads:
+
+"Passengers are requested to cross over the railway by the
+subway."
+
+This reminds us of the oft-quoted notice put up at the ford of an
+Irish river:
+
+"When this board is under water the river is unpassable."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Mary had a little lamb,
+      But she thought it was immense:
+    With new green peas and other things
+      It cost her ninety cents.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LITTLE WILLIE--Papa, why does the railway company have those
+cases with the ax and saw in every car?
+
+FATHER--I presume they are put in to use in case anyone wants to
+open a window.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    The kerosene can on the mantel reposes,
+      Its contents were sprinkled all over the fire,
+    And all that poor Kathleen O'Donohue knows is,
+      This dull world has changed for a sphere that is higher.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"He seems to have gone to the bad completely."
+
+"Yes; I believe he found himself between the devil and the deep
+sea, and he realized that he couldn't swim."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    As he walked with baby
+      He had to confess
+    That marriage with him
+      Was a howling success.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE SPINSTER--How many lodges did you say your husband belonged
+to?
+
+THE WIFE--Fifteen.
+
+THE SPINSTER--My goodness! just think of a man being out fifteen
+nights a week! Well, I'm glad that I'm an old maid.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Seven little missionaries--
+      Horrible their fate--
+    Cannibals picked clean their bones
+      Then they were ate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+JUDGE--You are charged with profanity.
+
+PRISONER--I am not.
+
+JUDGE--You are, sir. What do you mean?
+
+PRISONER--I was, but I got rid of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    "I hate a liar," Wiggins cried,
+      Said Jiggins, "Then 'twould seem
+    You really ought to try and hide
+      Your lack of self-esteem."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Kind lady," remarked the weary wayfarer, "can you oblige me with
+something to eat?"
+
+"Go to the woodshed and take a few chops," replied the kind lady.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Lady (after the tramp finishes eating)--It's merely a
+suggestion--the woodpile is in the back yard.
+
+Tramp--You don't say! What a splendid place for a woodpile!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Said she, "How beautiful is nature!"
+      Said the young man, "Yes, quite true;"
+    Then, added, as he viewed her complexion,
+      "And art is quite beautiful, too."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    "How to make your trousers last,"
+    "Make your coat and waistcoat first."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    The stork is a bird with a great big bill;
+    He brings us the babies whenever he will;
+    Then comes the doctor, and when he is through,
+    You find that he has a big bill, too.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Dearest," whispered Cordelia, after she had captured the coveted
+solitaire, "I have a confession to make. I am a cooking school
+graduate."
+
+Clarence shuddered.
+
+"Oh, well," he rejoined, after the manner of one resigned to his
+fate, "we can board."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    If t-o-u-g-h spells tough,
+      And d-o-u-g-h spells dough,
+    Does s-n-o-u-g-h spell snuff?
+      Or, simply snow?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE WIFE (savagely)--Don't let me catch you flirting.
+
+THE HUSBAND (meekly)--No, dear, never again. That's the way you
+did catch me, you know!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    He called her an angel before they were wed,
+      But that, alas! didn't endure.
+    For ere many months had passed over his head,
+      He wished that she was one for sure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Elderly Man (greeting former acquaintance)--"I remember your face
+perfectly, miss, but your name has escaped me."
+
+The Young Woman--"I don't wonder. It escaped me three years ago.
+I am married now."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    "These verses make no sense," said she;
+      "I can't tell what they mean."
+    "Good! they'll make dollars then," cried he,
+      "In any magazine."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE BARBER--Did I ever shave you before?
+
+THE VICTIM--Yes, once.
+
+THE BARBER--I don't remember your face.
+
+THE VICTIM--No; I suppose not. It's all healed up now.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    They say the baby looks like me,
+      A circumstance I dreaded,
+    But the only likeness I can see
+      Is that we're both bald-headed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Do you think the things one eats have a direct effect on one's
+disposition?"
+
+"Well, rather. We had Indian meal pudding so often at our house
+that everybody got savage."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I once saw a man at a meeting of a mothers' club."
+
+"That's nothing; I once saw a teetotaler on a fishing trip."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Bluff a little, bluff a little
+      As you go your way;
+    Bluffing may not always help you--
+      Many times it may.
+
+    Bluff a little, bluff a little;
+      Men may rail at you--
+    But you'll see by watching closely
+      That they're bluffing, too.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The butcher is a fair minded fellow. He is always willing to meet
+his customers half weigh.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    A queen was she--the beautiful maid--
+      Beauty or wealth she did not lack--
+    But the game was euchre that Cupid played,
+      And the Queen was won by a Jack.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"So you paid $1,000 for a cook stove! Don't you think that was a
+good deal?"
+
+"Yes, but they threw in a cook with it: she was warranted to stay
+two years!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    "Where are you going, my pretty maid?"
+      "I'm going to cut the corn," she said.
+    "Can I go with you, my pretty maid?"
+      "You're no chiropodist," she said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MEDIUM--Do you believe in spirits?
+
+BUSYMAN (off guard)--When taken in moderation, yes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"You never bought a gold brick, did you?" asked the admiring
+friend.
+
+"Not exactly," answered Mr. Cumrox. "But I once came mighty near
+having a French count for a son-in-law."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    The fate of Lot's wife
+      Was all her own fault;
+    She first turned to "rubber,"
+      And then turned to salt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+I was in the depot restaurant of one of the great railroads, and
+was asked why am I standing while drinking my coffee. All the
+rest of us sit down.
+
+I replied, solemnly, that "I was always told to stand for the
+weak."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    He used to send her roses;
+      He sent them every hour,
+    But now they're married and he sends
+      Her home a cauliflower.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+JOHN--I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie that I had
+was a peach.
+
+TOM--That's nothing, I went into a saloon and had no money, so I
+let the beer settle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Her face was happy,
+      His face was stern;
+    Her hand was in his'n,
+      His'n was in her'n.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+JACK--"My wife's a fine shot. She can hit a dollar every time."
+
+FRED--"That's nothing, my wife goes through my trousers and never
+misses a dime."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A man wanted a ticket to New York, and only had a $2 bill. It
+required $3 to get the ticket. He took the $2 bill to a pawnshop,
+pawned it for $1.50. On his way back to the depot he met a
+friend, to whom he sold the pawn ticket for $1.50. That gave him
+$3. Now, who's out that dollar?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    "Is a howling dog a sign of death?"
+      Said Doolittle to Dunn.
+    "Of course it is, if the dog will wait
+      Until I get my gun."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"No, indeed," she said, "I can never be your wife. Why, I had
+half a dozen offers before yours."
+
+"Huh!" rejoined the young man in the case. "That's nothing. I
+proposed to at least a dozen girls before I met you."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    There was a young woman named Hannah,
+      Who put on a great many airs,
+    She stepped on a peel of banana,
+      And now she's laid up for repairs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"What sort of labor is best paid in this country?" asked the
+English tourist.
+
+"Field labor," answered the native American.
+
+"Is that a fact?" queried the Englishman, who was inclined to be
+a bit skeptical.
+
+"Sure," replied the other. "You ought to see the salaries our
+baseball players get."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    This life's a game of chance, they say:
+      The saw's more sad than witty,
+    The public gathers 'round to play,
+      The trust controls the "kitty."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+GEORGE--I can't understand why my girl shook me.
+
+HAROLD--What was that you wrote to her the last time?
+
+GEORGE--All that I said was, "My Dear Susie: The dog I promised
+you has just died. Hoping these few lines will find you the same.
+Yours, George."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Now comes the question which will make
+      This life a bitter cup....
+    How many hoopskirts will it take
+      To fill a trolley car up?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks," remarked a Portland
+commercial traveller, "the best I ever saw was in a town near
+Bangor. Just before I retired I heard a scampering under the bed
+and looked under, expecting to see a burglar. Instead I saw a
+couple of large rats just escaping into their hole. I dressed and
+went down to the office and put in a big kick. The clerk was as
+serene as a summer's breeze.
+
+"'I'll fix that, all right, sir,' he said. 'Front! Take a cat to
+23 at once.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A recent school examination in England elicited the following
+definitions:
+
+"Noah's wife," wrote one boy, "was called Joan of Arc." "Water,"
+wrote another, "is composed of two gases, oxygen and cambrigen."
+"Lava," replied a third youth, "is what the barber puts on your
+face." "A blizzard," insisted another child, "is the inside of a
+fowl."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Why don't you demand $50,000 instead of $5,000?" said the
+lawyer.
+
+"Oh, because," explained the lady of the breach of promise suit.
+"Then he might change his mind and want to marry me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I'll admit," said Mrs. Hylo, "there are some things I don't
+know"----
+
+"That's no lie," interrupted her husband.
+
+"But," continued the alleged better half of the combination,
+"that man doesn't live who can tell me what they are."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Friend of mine to-day," said Mr. Kidder, "was talking of coming
+here to board."
+
+"I hope," remarked Mrs. Starvem, "you were pleased to recommend
+our table and"----
+
+"Sure! Told him it was just the thing for him. He's a pugilist
+and wants to increase his reach."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+An English motorist is quoted as saying that he classed
+pedestrians as the quick and the dead: those who got out of the
+way and those who didn't.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Yes, dear," said the petted young wife, examining her Christmas
+gift, "these diamond earrings are pretty, but the stones are
+awfully small."
+
+"Of course, my dear," replied the diplomat husband, "but if they
+were any larger they'd be all out of proportion to the size of
+your ears."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Two Irish farmers who had not seen each other for a long time met
+at a fair. They had a lot of things to tell each other. "Shure,
+it's married I am," said Murphy. "You don't tell me so," said
+Moran. "Faix, yes," said Murphy, "an' I've got a fine healthy
+bhoy which the neighbors say is the very picture of me." Moran
+looked for a moment at Murphy, who was not, to say the least,
+remarkable for his good looks, and then said, "Och, well, what's
+the harum so long as the child's healthy?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A bashful young couple, who were evidently very much in love,
+entered a crowded street car in Boston the other day. "Do you
+suppose we can squeeze in here?" he asked, looking doubtfully at
+her blushing face.
+
+"Don't you think, dear, we had better wait until we get home?"
+was the low, embarrassed, reply.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"When the old man is shaking down the furnace, carrying out the
+ashes, feeding the cat and six kittens, and making the beds,"
+remarked the observer of events and things, "of course he is too
+busy to hear his daughter in the parlor, singing: 'Everybody
+Works but Father.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I assured her I could support her in the style she was
+accustomed to."
+
+"Well?"
+
+"She said she was looking for something better than that."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Do you believe in transmigration of souls?"
+
+"Well," answered the man who never admits that he doesn't know
+everything, "I wouldn't recommend it as a regular practice."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"After all, you know," said Mr. Oldbeau, "a man is only as old as
+he feels"----
+
+"Yes," said Miss Pepprey, "but some old men make the mistake of
+thinking they are as young as they think they feel."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+At a West End hotel one of the party asked:
+
+"Have you got any celery, waiter?"
+
+"No, sir," was the significant answer; "I relies on me tips."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+YEAST--Did you ever try to dye eggs?
+
+CRIMSONBEAK--No, I never did; but I've tried 'em after they were
+dead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    A dude from St. Louis named Crute
+    Had a habit of saying, "Oh, shoot!"
+      He said it one day
+      To a man in Ouray,
+    And that was the finish of Crute.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"How is your house heated?"
+
+"By hot air."
+
+"Hot air?"
+
+"Yes--the landlord's."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I want to get a head of cabbage," said the man who had been sent
+to market.
+
+"Large or small head?" asked the grocer.
+
+"Oh, about 7 1-4," said the man, absent-mindedly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I'll pass the butter," said he, while trying to pass the
+browsing goat.
+
+"I'll butt the passer," said the goat, as he helped him over the
+fence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Yes, he's got a flying-machine ready for a trial now and he's
+trying hard not to be proud?"
+
+"Why shouldn't he be proud?"
+
+"Well, pride goes before a fall, you know."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"He has none of the finer sensibilities, nothing to distinguish
+him from the common herd."
+
+"No?"
+
+"No, sir. I've heard him confess, out of his own mouth, that all
+autos smell alike to him."--_Puck._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Why did you insist on only $99,000 a year as your salary?"
+
+"Because," answered the high financier, "as soon as people hear a
+hundred thousand mentioned they get suspicious. It is better to
+keep the figure marked down a little."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Tom--I kissed her when she wasn't looking.
+
+Clara--What did she do?
+
+Tom--Kept her eyes closed the rest of the evening.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Jenks--Why on earth did you laugh so heartily at that ancient
+jest of Borem's?
+
+Wise--In self-defense.
+
+Jenks--in self-defence?
+
+Wise--Yes; if I hadn't laughed so he would have repeated the
+thing, thinking I hadn't seen the point.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+There is as much strength in an egg as in a pound of meat.
+
+Gotabug--I should say so. I've smelt eggs that had more strength
+than a hundred pounds of beef.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    A sporty young fellow named Phipps
+    Last night went to view the eclipse.
+      The moon looked so queer.
+      He set up a cheer,
+    The truth was he'd been taking nips.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"For mercy sake, don't put me near old Billions!" said Mrs.
+Lookyoung to her friend.
+
+"Why not?" said the other. "He's awfully interesting."
+
+"I know it," said Mrs. Lookyoung, "but I never sit next to him at
+dinner but that he blurts out something like, 'You remember back
+in the old pioneer days!'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+    Mary had a little waist
+      Where waists were meant to grow,
+    And everywhere the fashions went
+      Her waist was sure to go.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"This is an interesting clock, Miss," said the salesman, "you
+really should have one, especially if you're bothered with
+tiresome callers."
+
+"It's merely a cuckoo clock, isn't it?" asked Miss May Pechis.
+
+"Yes, but beginning at 10 P.M., instead of saying 'cuck-koo'
+every quarter hour it yells: 'Go home! Go home!'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Mike--Yus, poor Sullivan is dead. He hadn't got an enemy in the
+world.
+
+Pat--What did he die of?
+
+Mike--Oh; he wur killed in a foight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"You shouldn't drink your whiskey without water."
+
+"Why not?"
+
+"You'll ruin the coat of your stomach."
+
+"Oh, well-it's an old coat, anyhow."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Why do they make those Oriental pipes with bowls as big as water
+pitchers?" asked the inquisitive girl.
+
+"Those," answered the wise woman, "are for men who have promised
+that they will confine their smoking to one pipe after each
+meal."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The detective at the boarding house table having satisfied
+himself that nobody had observed him, folded up his magnifying
+glass and put it back in his pocket.
+
+"Yes," he said to himself, "they've got the same girl they had
+when I was here two years ago. I recognize her thumb print in the
+butter."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Pa, what branches did you take when you went to school?"
+
+"I never went to high school, son, but when I attended the little
+log school-house they used mostly hickory and beech and willow."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Did you ever consider the case of the boy who stood on the
+burning deck?"
+
+"Not particularly. Why?"
+
+"Well, the game was poker and the hand had been dealt from the
+burning deck was a corker; so, as he didn't want to lose any
+chances, he--but you see?"
+
+"I don't know as I do."
+
+"Why, he stood pat."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The Governess--What happened when the man killed the goose that
+laid the golden egg, Margie?
+
+Little Margie--Why, I guess his goose was cooked.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Our new Congressman has made himself very popular."
+
+"What has he done?"
+
+"Introduced a bill declaring it a penal offence for a man to ask
+for a haircut or shampoo on Saturday afternoon."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"In my business," said the stock broker, "It is impossible to
+succeed without pluck."
+
+"Huh!" snorted the man who had been up against it, "you mean
+'plucking,' don't you?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Servant--The plumber says this check should be $5 more.
+
+Castleton--But it's the amount asked for.
+
+"Yes, sir. But you've kept him waitin' for nearly an
+hour."--_Life._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Tom--What's that? A two-dollar bill! You told me this morning
+that you were broke.
+
+Jack--Well, I want you to understand that Japan isn't the only
+one that can borrow money.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Yes, indeed, he's the homeliest man in public life to-day.
+Haven't you ever seen him?"
+
+"No, but I've seen caricatures of him."
+
+"Oh, they flatter him. You should see him."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SPECIAL RULES FOR GUESTS.
+
+  1--Guests are requested not to speak to the dumb waiter.
+
+  2--Guests wishing to get up without being called can have
+     self-raising flour for supper.
+
+  3--The hotel is supported by a beautiful cemetery; hearses to
+     hire, 25c. a day.
+
+  4--Guests wishing to do a little driving will find a hammer and
+     nails in the closet.
+
+  5--If the room gets too warm, open the window and see the fire
+     escape.
+
+  6--If you're fond of athletics and like good jumping, lift the
+     mattress and see the bed spring.
+
+  7--If your lamp goes out, take a feather out of the pillow; that's
+     light enough for any room.
+
+  8--Any one troubled with nightmare will find a halter on the
+     bed-post.
+
+  9--Don't worry about paying your bill; the house is supported by
+     the foundation.
+
+                              J. WISE, Prop.
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+    +-----------------------------------------------------------+
+    | Typographical errors corrected in text:                   |
+    |                                                           |
+    | Page  26: 'that is was' replaced with 'that it was'       |
+    | Page  28: 'She would he a' replaced with 'She would be a' |
+    | Page  35: somethng replaced with something                |
+    | Page  39: pugulist replaced with pugilist                 |
+    | Page 112: accounttant replaced with accountant            |
+    | Page 129: Hater replaced with Hayter                      |
+    |                                                           |
+    +-----------------------------------------------------------+
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE NEW PUN BOOK***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 22495.txt or 22495.zip *******
+
+
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/4/9/22495
+
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://www.gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit:
+http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+