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Brown and Thomas Joseph Carey</title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p { margin-top: .25em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .25em; + text-indent: 1em; + } + h1 { + text-align: center; font-family: garamond, serif; /* all headings centered */ + } + h1.pg { + text-align: center; font-family: Times-Roman, serif; /* all headings centered */ + } + h5,h6 { + text-align: center; font-family: garamond, serif; /* all headings centered */ + } + h2 { + text-align: center; font-family: garamond, serif; /* centered and coloured */ + } + h3 { + text-align: center; font-family: garamond, serif; /* centered and coloured */ + } + h3.pg { + text-align: center; font-family: Times-Roman, serif; /* all headings centered */ + } + h4 { + text-align: center; font-family: garamond, serif; /* all headings centered */ + } + hr { width: 45%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + color: black; + } + body{margin-left: 25%; + margin-right: 25%; + } + a {text-decoration: none} /* no lines under links */ + div.centered {text-align: center;} /* work around for IE centering with CSS problem part 1 */ + div.centered table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: left;} /* work around for IE centering with CSS problem part 2 */ + ul {list-style-type: none} /* no bullets on lists */ + ul.nest {margin-top: .15em; margin-bottom: .15em; text-indent: -1.5em;} /* spacing for nested list */ + li {margin-top: .15em; margin-bottom: .15em;} /* spacing for list */ + + .cen {text-align: center; text-indent: 0em;} /* centering paragraphs */ + .sc {font-variant: small-caps; font-size: 95%;} /* small caps, smaller font size */ + .fakesc {font-size: 80%;} /* fake small caps, small font size */ + .noin {text-indent: 0em;} /* no indenting */ + .hang {text-indent: -2%;} /* hanging indents */ + .block {margin-left: 7%; margin-right: 5%;} /* block indent */ + .right {text-align: right; padding-right: 2em;} /* right aligning paragraphs */ + .tr {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; margin-top: 5%; margin-bottom: 5%; padding: 1em; background-color: #f6f2f2; color: black; border: dotted black 1px;} /* transcriber's notes */ + + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; right: 2%; + font-size: 75%; + color: silver; + background-color: inherit; + text-align: right; + text-indent: 0em; + font-style: normal; + font-weight: normal; + font-variant: normal;} /* page numbers */ + + .poem {margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; text-align: left;} + .poem br {display: none;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem span {display: block; margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i2 {display: block; margin-left: 2em;} + .poem span.i2a {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem span.i4 {display: block; margin-left: 4em;} + .poem span.i1 {display: block; margin-left: 1em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i10 {display: block; margin-left: 10em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i6 {display: block; margin-left: 6em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.pn { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; right: 2%; + font-size: 75%; + text-align: right; + text-indent: 0em; + font-style: normal; + font-weight: normal; + color: silver; background-color: inherit; + font-variant: normal;} /* page numbers in poems */ + + hr.full { width: 100%; + margin-top: 0em; + margin-bottom: 0em; + border: solid black; + height: 5px; } + pre {font-size: 80%; + margin-left: -15%; } + + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<h1 class="pg">The Project Gutenberg eBook, The New Pun Book, by Thomas A. Brown and +Thomas Joseph Carey</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: The New Pun Book</p> +<p>Author: Thomas A. Brown and Thomas Joseph Carey</p> +<p>Release Date: September 3, 2007 [eBook #22495]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE NEW PUN BOOK***</p> +<p> </p> +<h3 class="pg">E-text prepared by<br /> + Jeannie Howse, David Starner, Colin Bell,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg<br /> + Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> + (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3> +<p> </p> +<div class="tr"> +<p class="cen" style="font-weight: bold;">Transcriber's Note:</p> +<br /> +<p class="noin">Inconsistent hyphenation and unusual spelling in the original document have been preserved.</p> +<p class="noin">Obvious typographical errors have been corrected.<br /> +For a complete list, please see the <a href="#TN">end of this document</a>.</p> +</div> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<p> </p> + +<h1>THE NEW PUN BOOK</h1> + +<h3>COLLECTED, EDITED AND ARRANGED FROM<br /> +THE NOTES OF TWO LEARNED PUNDITS</h3> + +<br /> + +<h4>Who thought they never saw the Punjab delighted in<br /> +all pungencies of speech. Scholarly men who rejoice<br /> +in punctiliousness in their language, contrive to<br /> +improve its flavor and precision by exercise in<br /> +these unexpected juxtapositions. Thus, as<br /> +with our Pundit's famous countryman Mr.<br /> +Jaberjee, though they use the purest<br /> +language, they can instantly express<br /> +every shade of thought with grace<br /> +and completeness without resorting<br /> +to slang:—that ready cloak<br /> +wherewith puny minds strive<br /> +to cover their vulgarity<br /> +and lack of culture.</h4> + + +<h3>BY T. B. AND T. C.</h3> + +<br /> +<br /> + +<h5>New York<br /> +FRANK VERNON & CO.<br /> +103 Park Avenue</h5> + +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + +<h5><span class="sc">Copyright</span> 1906<br /> +By CAREY-STAFFORD CO.</h5> + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> + +<h2>The New Pun Book</h2> +<br /> + + +<p>"He's a professional grafter."</p> + +<p>"Who?"</p> + +<p>"The nurseryman."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"You know Fatty Schultz the butcher. What do you suppose he +weighs?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know, what does he weigh?"</p> + +<p>"Meat."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I saw a sign in a hardware store to-day 'Cast iron sinks.' As +though everyone wasn't wise to that."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"How are you to-day?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I can't kick."</p> + +<p>"Thought you were ill."</p> + +<p>"I am—I have the gout."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Let me see," said the minister, who was filling out the marriage +certificate and had forgotten the date, "this is the fifth, is it +not?"</p> + +<p>"No, sir!" said the bride, with some indignation, "this is only +my third!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span>She—I had a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can't +find it anywhere.</p> + +<p>He—Did you look among the Vs, dear?</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Have you ever met my sister, Louisa?"</p> + +<p>"Yes. She's rather stout, isn't she?"</p> + +<p>"I have another at home—Lena."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Why do you call that colored man a blackmailer."</p> + +<p>"Because he is employed at the post-office. And that ain't the +worst of it."</p> + +<p>"No?"</p> + +<p>"No, sir; his wife takes hush money."</p> + +<p>"You don't say so!"</p> + +<p>"I do. She's a child nurse."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The street car lurched, she fell ker-flump!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But got up with a happy smile,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And to the young man said: "Please, sir,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">How many laps are to the mile?"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>I hear they are trying to close up the gambling establishments in +New York. Why didn't they close up Adam? He was the first +gambler. Didn't he start the races?</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span>"Gee, I just made a bad break," murmured the chef, as he threw +away some rotten eggs.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"This is our latest novelty," said the manufacturer, proudly. +"Good work, isn't it?"</p> + +<p>"Not bad," replied the visitor, "but you can't hold a candle to +the goods we make."</p> + +<p>"Oh! are you in this line, too?"</p> + +<p>"No. We make gunpowder."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>You ought to sleep well, You lie so easily!</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"My girl's father is an undertaker. He has invented an automobile +hearse. Folks are just dying to ride in it."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"An Irishman comes to this country, remains here ten years, and +goes back to Ireland and dies. What is he?"</p> + +<p>"Why, an Irishman, of course."</p> + +<p>"No, you're wrong; he is a corpse."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>He—Why has he put her picture in his watch?</p> + +<p>She—Because he thinks she will love him in time.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span>"I saw some delicious apples growing on a tree this morning. I +couldn't reach them, and asked the lady of the house if she would +let me take a step-ladder."</p> + +<p>"Did she give it to you?"</p> + +<p>"No; but she gave me a stare."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"My sister had a fright yesterday. She had a black spider run up +her arm."</p> + +<p>"That's nothing. I had a sewing machine run up the seam of my +trousers."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Attorney for the Defense—Have you ever been cross-examined +before?</p> + +<p>The Witness—Have I. I'm a married man.—Life.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>—I met a deaf and dumb man to-day who had every joint of his +fingers broken.</p> + +<p>—That is terrible, how did it happen?</p> + +<p>—Well, he used to crack jokes on his fingers.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I'm nearly starved. Just got in from a three-hour trip on the +New York Central."</p> + +<p>"But couldn't you get anything to eat on the train?"</p> + +<p>"Nope! It was a 'fast' train."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span>"What do you think of the statement that there are three hundred +haunted houses in New York?" asked Mr. Knickerbocker.</p> + +<p>"Oh," replied Jones, "that only ghost to show how plentiful +spirits are here."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I saw a big rat in my cook-stove and when I went for my revolver +he ran out."</p> + +<p>"Did you shoot him?"</p> + +<p>"No. He was out of my range."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Greene</span>—"These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous +affairs sometimes."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Finnegan</span>—"Av coarse! Sure, we hav' t' make a great +noise t' wake the dead."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I see Dorkins has got all of his seven daughters married off."</p> + +<p>"Yes, but he took advantage of his official position to effect +it."</p> + +<p>"How was that?"</p> + +<p>"Why, he is chairman of the board of public works and he +advertised for proposals."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Are your folks well to do?"</p> + +<p>"No. They're hard to do."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span>"If you should die, what would you do with your body?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know."</p> + +<p>"I'd sell mine to a medical student."</p> + +<p>"Then you'd be giving yourself dead away."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I was at the track to-day, Percy, and there was a horse down +there with the itch. He came up to the post, and they scratched +him."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—"Yes, she is living under an assumed name."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—"Horrible! What is it?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—"The one she assumed immediately after her husband +married her!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Biggs</span>—"I hear the jail was afire this morning?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Baggs</span>—"Naw; it was only a sell."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Love they say is blind. Well: if so marriage must be an +eye-opener.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"It doesn't do any good to scold the janitor about our cold +rooms."</p> + +<p>"Yes, it does. I get all warmed up when I talk to him."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span>"This liver is awful, Maud," said Mr. Newwed.</p> + +<p>"I'm very sorry," returned the bride, "I'll tell the cook to +speak to the livery-man about it."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Who was the first one that came from the ark when it landed."</p> + +<p>"Noah."</p> + +<p>"You are wrong. Don't the good book tell us that Noah came forth? +So there must have been three ahead of him."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Railway Clerk</span>—Another accident on the road to-day, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Manager</span>—Indeed; What now?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Clerk</span>—Man dislocated his neck trying to read our new +time table.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I got your fare, didn't I?" asked the conductor.</p> + +<p>"I believe not," the facetious passenger replied. "I think I saw +you ring it up."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Isaacs</span>—Undt suppose dey did send us a message from +Mars, how could dey tell if we got it?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Cohen</span>—Vell, dey mighd send it gollect undt see if ve +paid for it.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span><span class="sc">He</span>—I'll go to-morrow and buy a diamond engagement ring.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—Now, George, for the first time your talk has the +true ring in it.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I am told," said she, saucily, "that though you are a military +man, you are afraid of powder."</p> + +<p>"To prove that the assertion is calumnious," replied he, "I have +only to do this."</p> + +<p>Whereupon he lightly kissed her on the cheek, and his lips showed +that he was not.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Mrs. Pendergast</span> (in disgust)—You call these shades +alike! Is there anything you can match?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Mr. Pendergast</span>—Yes. Pennies.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Pressed for work—cider.</p> + +<p>Never out of print—the calico counter.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Is this a fire insurance office?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir; can we write you some insurance?"</p> + +<p>"Perhaps you can. You see, my employer threatens to fire me next +Saturday, and I'd like some protection."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span>"We should never complain, whatever may befall us," said the +minister. "The moment we grow dissatisfied we become unhappy."</p> + +<p>"Do you really think so?" she sighed.</p> + +<p>"Yes," returned the good man; "the first woman who complained of +her Lot, was turned into a pillar of salt."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Tommy," said mamma, tearfully, "it gives me as much pain as it +does you to punish you."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Tommy</span> (also tearfully)—Mebbe it does, but not in the +same place.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I'll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live!"</p> + +<p>"Refused again?"</p> + +<p>"No; accepted."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A wag who thought to have a joke at the expense of an Irish +provision dealer said, "Can you supply me with a yard of pork?"</p> + +<p>"Pat," said the dealer to his assistant, "give this gentleman +three pig's feet."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"They say corporations have no soul."</p> + +<p>"How about the Shoe Trust."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span>"Did your sweetheart receive you warmly last night?" asked one +Pittsburg young man of another.</p> + +<p>"No, but her father did."</p> + +<p>"How was that?"</p> + +<p>"He fired me."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Permit me, then, to die at your feet!" he cried desperately.</p> + +<p>She shivered.</p> + +<p>"I see no objection to that," she answered. "All papa said was +that you mustn't hang around here."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Don't doubt the veteran who tells you he was always where the +bullets were thickest; perhaps he was hiding under the ammunition +wagon.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Mr. Bixby</span>—Have you noticed how much better I rest after +a day's fishing?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Mrs. Bixby</span>—No; but I have noticed how much easier you +lie after a day's fishing than upon other days.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Nature never allows anything to run to waist."</p> + +<p>"Humph! You've never seen a Vermont girl of forty."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span>"What's the matter here?"</p> + +<p>"Man broke his neck."</p> + +<p>"What story did he fall from?"</p> + +<p>"Didn't fall—tried to see the top of the building."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>According to a florist's magazine "Jacks are becoming cheap." +This may be true, but we have known men who would have been +willing to pay $10 for one to put with the two already in their +hands.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Johnny</span>—What makes you look so tired?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Tommy</span>—My step-mother is sick end now I'll get licked +before every meal. The doctor says she must take exercise on an +empty stomach.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Brown</span>—"Peckhen has arrived safe. I just received a +cablegram from him."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Smith</span>—"Did he have a rough voyage?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Brown</span>—"No; his wife didn't go."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Oh, live and let live, my man."</p> + +<p>"Yes, I'd look well, wouldn't I? I'm a butcher."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span><span class="sc">Smith</span>—I notice that Robinson has an article in the +paper this morning.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Jones</span>—Indeed! I didn't see it. What was it?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Smith</span>—His spring overcoat. He was taking it to the +tailor to be pressed and cleaned.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>When Lot found his wife transformed into a pillar of salt, he was +wise enough to let it go at that and not take a fresh one.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Soloman Soloman</span>—Our frent Cohen must pe goin' t' haf a +fire.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Isaac Isaacs</span>—Vy?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Soloman Soloman</span>—Vell, he took oud an inshoorance bolicy +yeste'day.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"A telephone girl always reminds me of a pictured saint."</p> + +<p>"Why?"</p> + +<p>"There is a continual 'hello' around her head."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A husband and wife are considered one, but it is useless to try +to work that gag on the landlord when he presents the board bill.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span>"You haven't a cent, and yet wish to marry Miss Bilyan. Don't you +expect her father to kick you out?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, no I intend to go before the footlights."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Young M.D.</span>—That jig is up.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Old M.D.</span>—What do you mean?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Young M.D.</span>—That fellow with St. Vitus's dance died this +morning.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Do you think that as a rule people who attend theaters are +superstitious?"</p> + +<p>"Do I think so? I know it. I have seen people sit for an hour +waiting for a ghost to walk."</p> + +<p>"For that matter the actors themselves often wait longer than +that."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Here's an account of a hen which layed three eggs at once, and +then died," remarked Mrs. Sumway.</p> + +<p>"From over-eggsertion, probably," commented her husband.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What is the best way to raise cabbage?"</p> + +<p>"With a knife and fork."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span>"Why is Miss B—— wearing black?"</p> + +<p>"She is in mourning for her husband."</p> + +<p>"Why, she never had a husband!"</p> + +<p>"No, that is why she mourns."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Dearest," she murmured, "I'm so afraid you'll change."</p> + +<p>"Darling," he answered, "you'll never find any change about me."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What's the matter here?" asked a stranger of a small boy, as he +noticed a large wedding party coming out of a church on Fifth +avenue.</p> + +<p>"Nawthin' but the tied goin' out."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Oh, the sadness of her sadness when she's sad!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Oh, the gladness of her gladness when she's glad!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But the sadness of her sadness,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And the gladness of her gladness,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Are nothing to her madness when she's mad!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Is it raining, girls?"</p> + +<p>"No," broke in Cumso; "only cats and dogs."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span><span class="sc">Guest</span>—What have you got?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Waiter</span>—I've got liver, calf's brains, pig's feet—</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Guest</span>—Hold up there! I don't want a description of your +physical peculiarities. What have you got to eat is what I want +to know.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Stranger</span>—"Boy, can you direct me to the bank?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Boy</span>—"I kin for a quarter."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Stranger</span>—"A quarter! Isn't that high pay?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Boy</span>—"Yes, sir; but it's bank directors what gits high +pay, you see, sir!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"It's very puzzling," said a worried looking woman to one of her +neighbors.</p> + +<p>"What's that?"</p> + +<p>"I can't tell whether Willie is corrupting the parrot or whether +the parrot is corrupting Willie."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Playwright</span>—"There is a great climax in the last act. +Just as two burglars climb in the kitchen window the clock +strikes one; then——"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Manager Conn</span>—"Be more explicit. Which one did the clock +strike?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span>"I sent a dollar last week" said the Good thing, "in answer to +that advertisement offering a method of saving one-half my gas +bills."</p> + +<p>"And you got——"</p> + +<p>"A printed slip directing me to paste them in a scrap-book."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" inquired a teacher +of a class of youths.</p> + +<p>"I have," exclaimed one.</p> + +<p>"Where?" asked the teacher.</p> + +<p>"On the elephant," replied the boy.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Curious, isn't it?"</p> + +<p>"What?"</p> + +<p>"A man's handwriting is never so bad that his name can't be read +when signed to a check."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"That cook would make a good baseball player."</p> + +<p>"Why so?"</p> + +<p>"A fly got into the batter when she was serving the griddles, and +the way she caught that fly from the batter was a sight to rush +an umpire into an early grave."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span>When you see a young man cleaning a girl's bicycle, they are +engaged; but when you see the operation reversed, they are +married.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span> (approvingly)—You won her hand, then?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span> (rather glumly)—Humph—I presume so. I'm under her +thumb.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What is the difference between the admission to a dime museum +and the admission to Sing Sing?"</p> + +<p>"Don't know. What?"</p> + +<p>"One is ten cents and the other is sentence."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"A man at the hotel wanted to bet that Corbett would knock out +Jeffries."</p> + +<p>"Who took him up?"</p> + +<p>"The elevator boy, I think."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Why is a railroad train like a bedbug?</p> + +<p>It runs over the sleepers.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Caller</span>—Wonder if I can see your mother, little boy? Is +she engaged?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Little Boy</span>—Engaged? Whatcher givin' us? She's married.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span>"I must admit," said the mannish girl, "that I'm very fond of +men's clothes. You don't like them, do you?"</p> + +<p>"Yes. I do," replied the girly girl, frankly, "when there's a man +in them."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>When a woman finds her dress does not match her complexion, it is +always easy enough to change her complexion.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"My friend," said the long-coated old man, solemnly, "have you +made preparation for the day of judgment?"</p> + +<p>"Sir," replied the young man, "that's how I make my living."</p> + +<p>"Young man!"</p> + +<p>"I'm employed in the sheriffs office."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"George, you look exhausted," she said to him as he was putting +on his hat and coat.</p> + +<p>"Yes," he answered, glancing towards his daughter at the piano. +"I'm played out."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Of the heroine in one of the latest sensational novels it is +said: "Her eyes chained him to the spit." She must have been +links-eyed.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span>"Do I bore you?" asked the mosquito, politely, as he sunk a +half-inch shaft into the man's leg.</p> + +<p>"Not at all," replied the man, squashing him with a book. "How do +I strike you?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"How did that fight between the bridge tenders end?"</p> + +<p>"It was fought to a draw—and they both fell in!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the +question? Acquiescence.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Mashington</span>—What's the matter with your clock? It's +stopped.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Tailor</span>—I never wind it up. I use it as a motto.</p> + +<p>"What do you mean?"</p> + +<p>"No tick here."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>The hawk was dozing. "You look," said the jay, from a safe +distance, "as if you were full."</p> + +<p>"Well," the hawk admitted, "I have just been having a little lark +that was a bird."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span>"You ought to be very proud of your wife. She is a brilliant +talker."</p> + +<p>"You're right there."</p> + +<p>"Why, I could listen to her all night."</p> + +<p>"I have to."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I once knew a man who, with the aid of a microscope, made a +harness for a flea."</p> + +<p>"Humph!" replied the other, "that's nothing. I saw that same flea +harnessed."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"You want a divorce from your wife, do you?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir, I do."</p> + +<p>"What grounds?"</p> + +<p>"Incompatability. She and the cook are quarreling continually."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"How about the lazy man who hurt his eye looking for work?"</p> + +<p>"That's nothing. How about the industrious safe breaker doing +time for making money?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Don't take a bull by the horns; take him by the tail, then you +can let go without getting some one to help you.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span>"Women, my boy," said a parent to his son, "are a delusion and a +snare." "It is queer," murmured the boy, "people will hug a +delusion." And while the old man looked queerly at him, the young +man hunted up his roller-skates and went out to be snared.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Would you," said the reporter who gets novel interviews, "tell +me what book helped you most in life?"</p> + +<p>After a thoughtful pause, the great man answered: "My bank-book."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"You were thrown out?" remarked the ash barrel. "That's what you +get for being crooked."</p> + +<p>"The crookedness, is not my fault," said the nail. "I was driven +to it by a woman."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What relation is a door-step to a door-mat?"</p> + +<p>"What relation?"</p> + +<p>"A step-farther."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Guide</span>—This is a dogwood tree.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Stranger</span>—How can you tell?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Guide</span>—By its bark.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span>Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others, but +when we get to the cemetery, we will all be on the dead level.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Mrs. Powell</span>—"I have such an indulgent husband!"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Mrs. Cameron</span> (spitefully)—"Yes, so Justin tells me, but +he sometimes indulges too much, doesn't he?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"They caught the burglars that robbed the hotel last night."</p> + +<p>"How?"</p> + +<p>"They jumped on the scales and gave themselves a weigh."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"You own your own house, don't you?"</p> + +<p>"I used to."</p> + +<p>"Have you sold it?"</p> + +<p>"No, I haven't sold it."</p> + +<p>"Then how is it you don't own it?"</p> + +<p>"Well, you see, we have company most of the time."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Mike, d' I ever tell ye the story about the dirty window?"</p> + +<p>"You did not. Tell me about it."</p> + +<p>"No use—you couldn't see through it."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span>A lady noticed a boy sprinkling salt on the sidewalk to take off +the ice, and remarked to a friend, pointing to the salt:</p> + +<p>"Now, that's true benevolence."</p> + +<p>"No, it ain't," said the boy, somewhat indignant, "it's salt."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Teacher</span>—Thomas, can you tell me which battle Nelson was +killed in?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Tommy</span> (after a moment's reflection)—I think it was his +last.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Johnnie</span>—"Ya-as, I've just come back from +Ireland—County Cork. Ever been to Cork?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Soubrette</span>—"No—but I've seen a good many drawings of +it."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What is love?"</p> + +<p>"A fresh egg."</p> + +<p>"Marriage?"</p> + +<p>"Hard boiled eggs."</p> + +<p>"Divorce?"</p> + +<p>"Scrambled eggs."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">How by the statesman insincere<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Man's weary soul is vexed.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He'll shake your hand one minute and<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He'll pull your leg the next!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span>"Hush, not so loud! We're having a conference of the powers."</p> + +<p>"Eh! Who is conferring?"</p> + +<p>"My wife, my mother-in-law and the cook."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I saw De Castro, the magician, make a $20 gold piece disappear +in three minutes." "That's nothing. You ought to see my wife with +a $20 bill at a church bazaar."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>An art-school student recently painted the picture of a dog under +a tree so lifelike that it was impossible to distinguish the bark +of the tree from that of the dog.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Lady</span>—Why do you remove your sword, Lieutenant?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Gallant Officer</span>—My lovely miss, the fire from those +eyes would compel the bravest soldier to surrender his arms.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—"You used to call me the light of your life."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—"Ah, but I had no idea then how much it would cost +to keep it burning."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span><span class="sc">Moses</span>—"How did you make your money, Ike?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Ike</span>—"By horse-razing."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Moses</span>—"Vatt, not bedding?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Ike</span>—"Naw—I started a pawnshop just by the oudside of +de razetrack for de peoble who vanted to get home ven de razes +was over."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—Don't you think Miss Plainly is the very image of +her mother?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—Yes, indeed; the resemblance is something awful.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>—"I want to be an angel."</p> + +<p>—"Just wait till you've backed one or two 'stars,' and you'll +change that tune my boy."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Telephone operators are always bound to have the last word; +that's why females are always employed in that capacity.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What are you going to do with your boy?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know; I'm afraid he is a bad egg."</p> + +<p>"In that case he might do for an actor."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span><span class="sc">Biggs</span>—That butcher is an awkward fellow.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Boggs</span>—Yes, I notice his hands are always in his weigh.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Is the proprietor in?" asked the visitor to the planing mill. "I +want to order some doors."</p> + +<p>"He's in," replied the smart office boy, "but I think he's out o' +doors."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Did the minister say anything comforting?" asked the neighbor of +the widow recently bereaved.</p> + +<p>"Indeed, he didn't," was the quick reply. "He said my husband was +better off."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What kind of hen lays the longest?"</p> + +<p>"What kind?"</p> + +<p>"A dead hen."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Cityman</span>—Do they keep a servant girl?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Subbubs</span>—O! certainly not. But as soon as one leaves +they engage another.—<i>Philadelphia Press.</i></p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>If a woman would change her sex, what would her religion be? She +would be a he-then, of course.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span>"What in the world shall I do with the baby, John? She's crying +for the moon."</p> + +<p>"That's nothing. Wait till she's eighteen and she'll want the +earth."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"The man who was run over by the cars the other day, is now out +of danger."</p> + +<p>"That's good."</p> + +<p>"He died this morning."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"The death of her husband must have been a dreadful blow to Mrs. +Musicale."</p> + +<p>"It was, indeed."</p> + +<p>"I suppose she has given up her piano playing entirely."</p> + +<p>"No; she still plays; but only on the black keys."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Poor Lot's wife turned to salt, alas!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Her fate was most unkind.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">No doubt she only wished to see<br /></span> +<span class="i2">How hung her skirt behind.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Smith</span>—There is something that will never be boycotted +by the fair sex as long as time lasts.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Jones</span>—What's that?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Smith</span>—The Easter bonnet.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span>"In one way the clock makers are independent of labor troubles."</p> + +<p>"That's very fortunate, isn't it," said his wife innocently, "but +how?"</p> + +<p>"Simply because in clock works the hands never strike."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"There is a man who never knew such a thing as fear."</p> + +<p>"Ah, had a military training, I suppose."</p> + +<p>"No; his nerve is inherited. His father and his grandfather were +both janitors."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What is the plural of man, Johnny?" asked the teacher of a small +pupil.</p> + +<p>"Men," answered Johnny.</p> + +<p>"Correct," said the teacher. "And what is the plural of child?"</p> + +<p>"Twins," was the unexpected answer.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">First Comedian</span>—"Did you score a hit with your new +specialty?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Second Comedian</span>—"Did I? Why, the audience gazed in +open-mouthed wonder before I was half through."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">First Comedian</span>—"Wonderful! It is seldom that an entire +audience yawns at once."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span> +<span class="i0">If I might hold that hand again<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Clasped lovingly in mine,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'd little care what others sought—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That hand I held, lang syne!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">That hand! Oh, warm it was and soft!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Soft? Ne'er was so soft a thing!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Ah, me! I'll hold it ne'er again—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Ace, ten, knave, queen and king!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Wife</span>—"Got a dollar?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Husband</span>—"Where's the last dollar I gave you?"</p> + +<p>"Gone."</p> + +<p>"I thought I told you to make it go as far as you could."</p> + +<p>"I did."</p> + +<p>"Doesn't look like it."</p> + +<p>"Well, I did; I sent it to the Fiji Island heathen."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Some one threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was +making a speech once. He paused a second, and said: "Gentlemen, I +only asked for your ears, I don't care for your heads!" He was +not bothered any more during the remainder of his speech.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span>"Why are you sad, Bill?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I am troubled with dyspepsia."</p> + +<p>"How can that be?"</p> + +<p>"I got licked at school 'cause I couldn't spell it."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Mrs. Limberchin</span>—I was so mad last night I couldn't +speak.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Mr. L.</span>—And I was away! Just my luck!</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>—"That Jersey murderer was clever to get off as he did, wasn't +he?"</p> + +<p>—"What was his plea—insanity?"</p> + +<p>—"No, malaria."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I've been married five years, and I've got a bushel of +children."</p> + +<p>"How's that?"</p> + +<p>"My name is Peck. I've got four children. Don't four pecks make a +bushel?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>The weary desert stretched for miles. Stretched for sheer +weariness. Not a drop of water was in sight.</p> + +<p>Then it was that the traveler had an inspiration.</p> + +<p>He wrung his hands.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span>"Corbett and Fitzsimmons will never fight again."</p> + +<p>"Why?"</p> + +<p>"Because they can not get gloves to Fitzsimmons."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Askit</span>-What is a convenient fall trip for me to take?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Tellit</span>-You might step on a banana peel or try to balance +on a cake of soap at the head of the stairs.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"There is but one thing," said the professor of medicine, +gravely, "that we know about death."</p> + +<p>"And that is, sir?" queried the student.</p> + +<p>"It is always fatal."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Did you hear about Miss Jones?"</p> + +<p>"No. What's up?"</p> + +<p>"Why, she eloped with one of the boarders in the hotel."</p> + +<p>"Oh, that was only a roomer!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"When was money first invented?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know. When was it?"</p> + +<p>"When the dove brought the greenback to Noah."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span>"What a distinguished looking man."</p> + +<p>"Yes, the last time I saw him he was on the bench."</p> + +<p>"What, a judge?"</p> + +<p>"No; a substitute ball-player."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—"Didn't you promise to love, honor and obey me?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—"Heaven only knows what I promised. I was listening +to hear what you promised."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Thin Boarder</span>—"I don't see how you manage to fare so +well at this boarding-house. I have industriously courted the +landlady and all her daughters, but I'm half-starved."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Fat Boarder</span>—"I court the cook."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Why should a young man never raise his straw hat to a lady?"</p> + +<p>"Because it is never felt."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Jones</span>—"Well, we had an addition to our family +yesterday."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Smith</span>—"You don't say so? Boy or girl?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Jones</span>—"Neither. It's my wife's mother."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span><span class="sc">Diner</span>—"Hello! waiter, where is that ox-tail soup?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Waiter</span>—"Coming, sir—half a minute."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Diner</span>—"Confound you! How slow you are."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Waiter</span>—"Fault of the soup, sir. Ox-tail is always +behind."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>An Irishman was planting shade trees when a passing lady said:</p> + +<p>"You're digging out the holes, are you, Mr. Haggerty?"</p> + +<p>"No, mum. Oi'm diggin' out the dirt an' lavin' the holes."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Irish foreman, to gang of men in a sewer: "How many men is down +in that hole?"</p> + +<p>Voice from the sewer: "Three, sorr."</p> + +<p>Irish foreman: "Then lave half of yez cum up."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Tramp</span>—"Can't you give a poor man something to eat? I +got shot in the war and can't work."</p> + +<p>Woman-"Where was you shot?"</p> + +<p>"In the spinal column, mum."</p> + +<p>"Go 'way! There was no such battle."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span>"I suppose Barnum went to heaven when he died?"</p> + +<p>"Well, he certainly had a good chance. In fact he had the +greatest show on earth."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Why do all bank cashiers run to Canada?"</p> + +<p>"Give it up."</p> + +<p>"Because that's the only place Toronto."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Were you attached to the place?"</p> + +<p>The actress laughed bitterly.</p> + +<p>"I don't know what you'd call it," she rejoined. "The sheriff had +all my dresses except a Mother Hubbard."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"If a guest at a restaurant ordered a lobster and ate it, and +another guest did the same, what would the latter's telephone +number be?"</p> + +<p>It would be "8-1-2."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>An Irishman quarreling with an Englishman, told him if he didn't +hold his tongue he would break his impenetrable head, and let his +brains out of his empty skull.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span><span class="sc">Peters</span>—"Are you not sick of hearing everybody sing that +popular song?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Winkle</span>—"Not I."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Peters</span>—"Heavens! How can you stand it?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Winkle</span>-"I wrote the song."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>I'm the champion long distance cornet player. I entered a contest +once and I played "Annie Laurie" for three weeks.</p> + +<p>Did you win?</p> + +<p>No, my opponent played "Stars and Stripes Forever."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What have you here?" asked the fresh young man of the waiter at +a first-class restaurant.</p> + +<p>"Everything, sir."</p> + +<p>"Everything?" sneeringly, "Have it served at once."</p> + +<p>"Hash for one," yelled the waiter.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">When we first dined at a cafe<br /></span> +<span class="i2">We feared they'd drop their trays, but later<br /></span> +<span class="i0">We learned, somewhat to our dismay,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It takes—as scores of men will say—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A big "tip" to upset a waiter.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span>"Irish stew," said the restaurant guest.</p> + +<p>"Faith, I am Irish, tew," said the waiter.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Comstock shuddered the other evening when a lady asked him if he +cared for undressed kids.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Mrs. Tilford of Sorosis</span>—"It must have taken Daniel +Webster a long time to compile the dictionary; don't you think +so?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Tilford</span>—"Daniel? You mean Noah, don't you?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Mrs. Tilford</span> (tartly)—"Now don't be silly. Noah built +the ark."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Is your friend the dentist a society chap?"</p> + +<p>"Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Did you know that Xanthippe, wife of one of the greatest of +ancient philosophers, was a great scold?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly; but just think what a great tease her husband was."</p> + +<p>"A great tease?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; Socrates."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span>The pugilist boxes his man before he lays him out. The undertaker +lays out his man before he boxes him.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>An old-maid being at a loss for a pin-cushion, made use of an +onion for the purpose. On the following morning she found all the +needles had tears in their eyes.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Brown</span>—Up at Hagenbeck's show there is a large bear that +hugs a woman without killing her.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Jones</span>—That's nothing. I've often seen a lobster do +that.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Why do you call him 'Mr. Gimlet?' That isn't his name."</p> + +<p>"I know. But he's such a bore!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">American</span>—"You have noticed, I suppose, that the balance +of trade, so far as your country and ours are concerned, is still +in our favor?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Englishman</span>—"Nothing of the sort, sir. We exchange a +worn-out title for a beautiful American heiress almost every day +in the year."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span><span class="sc">Husband</span>—"I am going to buy two little children."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Wife</span>—"Where in the world can you buy them?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Husband</span>—"Down at the department store."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Wife</span>—"Who put such nonsense into your head?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Husband</span>—"I saw a big sign in their window to-day, +'Ladies and gents' undressed kids for a dollar.'"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Your father has a strong box at home, hasn't he, Willie," said +the teacher.</p> + +<p>"Yes'm," replied Willie; "the one he keeps the limburger in."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"This wireless telegraphy reminds me of a groundless quarrel."</p> + +<p>"What possible connection is there between the two?"</p> + +<p>"It's practically having words over nothing."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">To-morrow never comes, they say;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But all such talk is idle gush,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For when we have a debt to pay<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To-morrow gets there with a rush.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span>"Did you go into any of the New York restaurants?"</p> + +<p>"No. I got into what I thought was one and I heard a feller call +for Saratoga chips and I knew 'twas a gamblin'-den and got out +quick."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"The word 'reviver' spells the same backwards and forwards."</p> + +<p>It was the frivolous man who spoke.</p> + +<p>"Can you think of another?"</p> + +<p>The serious man scowled up from his newspaper.</p> + +<p>"Tut-tut!" he cried contemptuously.</p> + +<p>And they rode on in silence.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>I hear they're going to change the name of Central Park to +Orchard Park.</p> + +<p>Why, how is that?</p> + +<p>Well, there are so many pears (pairs) found under the trees.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Tom</span>—"I understand that Cholly went hunting the other +day. What did he hit?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dick</span>—"Nothing."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Harry</span>—"Why, I heard he shot himself in the foot."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dick</span>—"That's what I said."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span>"Two wrongs don't make a right."</p> + +<p>"Yes, they do."</p> + +<p>"How so?"</p> + +<p>"Why, some one passed a counterfeit five-dollar bill on me +to-day; that was wrong. I gave it to my landlady for board; that +was wrong, but it made me right."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"It's all foolishness to talk about any one getting the worst of +it in the matrimonial game," declared the big man with a silk hat +and a loud suit of clothes.</p> + +<p>"How's that?"</p> + +<p>"Marriage is always a tie."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer "was lying at the +point of death," exclaimed: "My Gracious! Won't even death stop +that man's lying?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">We mustn't kiss the baby, we mustn't kiss the kid,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">We mustn't kiss the dainty miss, so scientists affirm;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To pounce upon and "wrastle" us there waits the awful bacillus,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The sempiternal, most infernal omnipresent germ.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span>"What I like about the Irish is that they are so modest and +unassuming."</p> + +<p>"Holy smoke!"</p> + +<p>"Fact. When an Irishman does anything great he does not go +bragging of his ability as another man would. He merely brags +about Ireland."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in +it."</p> + +<p>"Great Scott! That one oyster in the soup joke is old."</p> + +<p>"Yes, but this was tomato soup."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I was at a banquet last night. I just had a lovely time. We had +everything a man could wish for."</p> + +<p>"Did you have any pale ale?"</p> + +<p>"No; we didn't have the pail."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A cement maker advertises that his cement is strong enough to +mend the break of day.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Rowley Powley, pudding and pie,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Kissed the girls and made them cry.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">* * * * *<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But <i>entre nous</i>, that legend of yore<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Only tells half; they cried for more!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span>"Are you the photographer?"</p> + +<p>"Yes sir."</p> + +<p>"Do you take children's pictures?"</p> + +<p>"Yes sir."</p> + +<p>"How much do you charge?"</p> + +<p>"Three dollars a dozen."</p> + +<p>"Well, I have to see you again. I've only got eleven."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">The Man</span>—Edison's a wonder, isn't he?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">The Maid</span>—I don't think so! You can't turn his +incandescent lights down low.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"When were walking-sticks first invented?"</p> + +<p>"When?"</p> + +<p>"When Eve presented Adam with a little Cain."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Pat," said one Catholic friend to another, "how would you like +to be buried in a Protestant graveyard?"</p> + +<p>"Faith an' I'd die first!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>—No matter how high an awning may be suspended, it is only a +shade above the street.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span>An Irishman, just landed, seeing an electric-motor car running +for the first time, exclaimed: "Well, well, Ould Nick must be +pullin' it wid a string."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Dame Rumor</span> ought frequently to have her named spelled +without the e.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Where are you working now?"</p> + +<p>"I'm working down in a match factory."</p> + +<p>"How is business?"</p> + +<p>"Light."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>An Irish doctor advertises that the deaf may hear of him at a +house in Liffey street, where his blind patients may see him from +ten till three.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Where are you going, my pretty maid?"</p> + +<p>"Out automobiling, sir," she said.</p> + +<p>"May I go with you, my pretty maid?"</p> + +<p>"If you can steer the old thing, you may," she said.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A painter, who fell off a scaffold with a pot of paint in each +hand said: "well, I came down with flying colors, anyhow."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>—<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span>"I'm very sorry for that boy. Your scolding cut him to the +quick."</p> + +<p>—"That's impossible. He has no quick. He's a messenger boy."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A lady one day being in need of some small change called +down-stairs to the cook and enquired: "Mary, have you any +'coppers' down there?" "Yes, mum, I've two; but if you please, +mum, they're both me cousins," was the unexpected reply.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"When I was eating my dinner to-day the butter ran."</p> + +<p>"That's nothing. I was up-town last night and saw a cake walk."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—"They say that your father is a millionaire. Is it +true?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—"Yes; and, strange to say, I am one also."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—"How do you make that out?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—"Why, I am the only child, therefore I am a <i>million +heir</i>, of course."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Girls and billiard balls kiss each other with just about the same +amount of real feeling.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span><span class="sc">Mistress</span>—"I am not quite satisfied with your +references."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Applicant</span>—"Naythur am I, mum; but they's the best I +could get!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?" "Why, you see my +grandmother is dafe, and I'm writing a loud letter to her."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"There was a terrible murder in the hotel to-day."</p> + +<p>"Was there."</p> + +<p>"Yes; a paper-hanger hung a border."</p> + +<p>"It must have been a put-up job!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>As man and wife are one, the husband when seated with his wife, +must be beside himself.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Well, Pat, and how is that bull-pup of yours doing?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, he's dead! The illigant baste wint an' swallowed a +tape-measure!"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I see! He died by inches, then?"</p> + +<p>"No; begorra, he didn't! He wint round to the back of the house +an' died by the yard!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span>"You treat me," cried Mrs. Peck, "as though I was a monkey!"</p> + +<p>"Oh, no!" responded H. Peck, "One can train monkeys."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"My lord," said the foreman of an Irish jury when giving in his +verdict, "we find the man who stole the mare not guilty."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Did the fisherman have frog's legs, Bridget?"</p> + +<p>"Sure I couldn't see, mum; he had his pants on."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"A woman fell overboard from a ship yesterday and a shark came up +and looked her over and went away."</p> + +<p>"He never touched her?"</p> + +<p>"No. He was a man-eating shark."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Groceryman</span>—"Pat, do you like apples?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Pat</span>—"Sure, sor, Oi wudn't ate an apple for the world."</p> + +<p>"Why how is that?"</p> + +<p>"Ough! didn't me ould mother die av apple plexy?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span>"See here, sir," remonstrated the young gentleman, "I got up to +give my seat to the lady, not to you."</p> + +<p>"Ach, dat's all right. She's my vife," he responded placidly. And +he kept the seat.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"My son," said the good old man, "if you only work hard enough +when you undertake a thing, you're bound to be at the top when +you've finished."</p> + +<p>"But suppose I undertake to dig a well?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Did you have any trouble with black ants in Ireland, Bridget?"</p> + +<p>"No, ma'am, but I had some trouble onc't with a white uncle."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"There's a young woman who makes little things count."</p> + +<p>"How does she do it?"</p> + +<p>"Teaches arithmetic in a primary school."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"It's thrue," said Paddy to Dennis one day, "it wor a grand +soight. But whoile ye're standin' sit down, an' Oi'll tell ye all +about it."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span>"What did you wear last night?" asked the celery. "A lovely +mayonnaise," replied the lettuce. "And you?" "Never was so +mortified in all my life; I wasn't dressed at all," said the +celery; and the beet blushed.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A woman never fully understands the hardness of the world until +she falls off a bicycle a few times.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Mrs. Fussy</span>—"John you're the most unreasonable man I +ever met in my life."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Mr. Fussy</span>—"I don't doubt it. I'm the only one that ever +married you."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Jonah's experience with the whale is proof that you can't keep a +good man down.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Since I've been married I don't get half enough to eat."</p> + +<p>"Well, you must remember that we are one now."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What man in the army wore the biggest hat?"</p> + +<p>"The one with the biggest head, of course."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span>"Nothing can make a woman so superlatively happy as to have a +baby of her own to kiss," exclaimed Mrs. McBride, rapturously, as +she fondled her firstborn.</p> + +<p>"My dear," replied her husband, pityingly, "you can never know +the unutterable joy of being 'Next' in a crowded barber shop on +Saturday night."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Aren't you afraid, dear, you'll catch cold in the scanty bathing +robe?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"Oh, no," replied the dashing bride. "This is a very warm suit, +hubby, dear."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Mrs. Benham</span>—Our new minister's name is Stone.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Benham</span>—Well, there are sermons in stones.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Algy</span>—"Charming widow, isn't she? They say she is to +marry again."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Cholly</span>—"I wouldn't want to be a widow's second +husband."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Algy</span>—"Well, I'd rather be a widow's second husband than +her first, doncher-know."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span>A Boston, man upon learning that there were 4,000 Poles in New +York, exclaimed: "What a place to raise beans."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Fred</span>—"I had a fall last night which rendered me +unconscious for several hours."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Ed</span>—"You don't mean it? Where did you fall?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Fred</span>—"I fell asleep."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I say, old chap, how short your overcoat is!"</p> + +<p>"Oh, that's all right! It'll be long enough before I can afford a +new one."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Pat</span>—"'Twas the divil of a blow the dago gave yer. Yer +wuz near Kilt."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Mike</span>—"Begorra, I wish I had died that I moite see the +villain hung."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Jim</span>—"Why do you wear your stocking wrong side outward?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Pat</span>—"Because there's a hole on the other side."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Held by the enemy"—the ulster which we are unable to redeem.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span>"How could you endure talking so long with that ugly old woman +with that frightful costume without laughing in her face?" "Oh, +that's easy. She is my wife."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Teacher</span>—When does suicide become a crime?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Smart Boy</span>—When it becomes a confirmed habit.</p> + +<p>"Nonsense, sir. Why is suicide a crime?"</p> + +<p>"Because it injures the health."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>The modern drummer is not much like the month of March. March is +said to come in a lion and go out a lamb, while the drummer comes +in a lyin' and goes out a lyin'.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>How to signal a bark—pull a dog's tail.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Say, pop, do people take snuff nowadays?"</p> + +<p>"Sometimes, my son."</p> + +<p>"Oh, then its all right?"</p> + +<p>"What is all right?"</p> + +<p>"Why, I heard mamma telling Aunt Amy that you wasn't up to +snuff."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span>"I understand that Willoughby was half seas over at the Sneerwell +dinner." "Oh, no. He was sailing into the port when I left."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Bacon</span>—What's that thread tied about your little finger +for?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Egbert</span>—Oh, that's just to remind my wife to ask me if I +forgot something she told me to remember.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—You saw some old ruins while in England, I presume? +<span class="sc">She</span>—Yes, indeed! And one of them wanted to marry me.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Cholly</span>—Ethel Knox told me last night I wasn't over +half-witted. <span class="sc">Susie</span>—I shouldn't feel badly about that; +she never did know anything about fractions.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Mrs. Swellery</span>—What is the matter with my husband, +doctor?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Physician</span>—Appendicitis, madam.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Mrs. S.</span>—I am so glad. I was afraid he might have +something unfashionable.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A man who drives away customers—the cabman.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span><span class="sc">Cleverton</span>—Miss Cutler tells me she has been putting +quinine on her face lately for her complexion.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dashaway</span>—I guess I'll go around there. I have a touch +of malaria.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Maud</span>—How do you define love?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Marie</span>—Love is the life of illusion.</p> + +<p>"And what is marriage?" "Oh, marriage is the death of them."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Weeks</span>—Well, how are things over in Boston? Have they +named any new pie "Aristotle" yet?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Wentman</span>—No-o. But I heard a man there ask for a Plato +soup.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Sunday School Teacher</span>—What is meant in the parable by a +"house built upon a rock?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Sunday School Scholar</span>—A Harlem flat.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I am quite surprised, Mr. Meeker, to account for your wife's +knowledge of parliamentary law."</p> + +<p>"Great Caesar! Hasn't she been speaker of the house for the last +fifteen years?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span><span class="sc">Mr. Greathead</span>, the landlord, says he prefers as tenants +experienced chess player, because it is so seldom they move.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"You have a bad cold," he said. "I have," she replied huskily. "I +am so hoarse that if you attempted to kiss me I couldn't even +scream."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A little burn makes a big smart sometimes. But even a big burn +could not make some people smart.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Don't talk to me about compulsory vaccination!" exclaimed the +man who had his arm in a sling. "I'm sore on that subject."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>There are many sweet, entrancing moments in this life, but when a +man steps on your pet corn you do not experience one of them.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>The impecunious young man who marries a girl with a substantial +check attached may very properly be said to have been checkmated.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span><span class="sc">Visitor</span>—I suppose you have a great deal of poetry sent +into you for publication?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Editor</span>—No, not very much poetry as a rule; some of it +is verse, and some of it is worse.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What is your idea of happiness?"</p> + +<p>"Nothing to do and lots of time to do it in."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>—So Ethel is to marry that young Bob Halstey; why, he has been +jilted by half a dozen girls.</p> + +<p>—Case of being well shaken before taken, I suppose.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I've been pondering over a very singular thing."</p> + +<p>"What is it?"</p> + +<p>"How putting a ring on a woman's third finger should place you +under that woman's thumb."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">They cannot be complete in aught<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Who are not humorously prone;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A man without a merry thought<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Can hardly have a funny bone.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span><span class="sc">Teacher</span>—Johnny, can you tell me what a section boss is?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Johnny</span>—The conductor of a sleeping-car.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Personal</span>—"'A young woman, to whom black is particularly +becoming, would like to meet a gentleman in poor health; object, +widowhood.'"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I am told lynching is a pastime in this section."</p> + +<p>"Well, we do loop the loop occasionally."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"The house a lawyer once enjoy'd,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Now to a smith doth pass;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">How naturally the <i>iron</i> age<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Succeeds the <i>age of brass</i>!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Tomdick</span>—I'd like to find some girl willing to marry me.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Andarry</span>—Ah! You want one ready maid.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Teacher</span>—Yes, dear; ova refers to an egg.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Willy</span>—Then when they throw bad eggs at an actor he gets +a literal ovation, I s'pose.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span><span class="sc">Ikey</span>—Fader, is "imbegunious" undt "inzolvent" der same?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Fader</span>—Nodt at all! "Imbegunious" is ven a man has got +no more money, undt "inzolvent" is ven his greditors has got +about all der money dey are goin' to get.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—"Are you fond of tea?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—"Yes; but I like the next letter better."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>It was the morning after, and he wanted a small favor.</p> + +<p>"I admit that I am temporarily hard up," he said, "but that's +because I can't realize."</p> + +<p>"Can't realize on what?"</p> + +<p>"On my thirst. If I could only sell that thirst for half what it +cost me I'd be all right."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">When the penniless lordling to get a rich wife<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of his own nationality fails,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He crosses the ocean with heart light and gay<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And robs the United States males.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span><span class="sc">Husband</span>—My dear, how would you like a book for a +present?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Wife</span>—Very much.</p> + +<p>"Well, what sort of a book would you like—a book of poems, for +instance?"</p> + +<p>"No; a bank-book."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"That sounds like the charity bawl," said the nurse, as the +babies in the orphan asylum began to yell.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i6">He went on a lark,<br /></span> +<span class="i6">So his wife did remark,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And some angry words, too, did she mutter.<br /></span> +<span class="i6">On a lark he went out,<br /></span> +<span class="i6">Of that fact there's no doubt,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But he came in, alas! on a shutter.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Condon</span>—Have you been cured of that last attack of +malaria?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Denby</span>—Oh, yes, Doctress Anna Curem knocked it silly. +But her treatment left me with a worse disease than malaria ever +was.</p> + +<p>"You don't say so!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir; I've got an incurable case of heart disease now."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span> +<span class="i0">For years she'd heard her husband sadly say:<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"Can't we have pies like mother used to bake?"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">At last she cried: "Of course we can, you Jay,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">When you make dough that papa used to make."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Yankee</span>—"I say, Britisher, can you spell horse?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Englishman</span>—"'Orse? Why, certainly. It honly takes a +haitch and a ho and a har and a hess and a he to spell 'orse."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What is the meaning of the saying that a man shall earn his +bread in the sweat of his brow?" asked a boy in a New York +school.</p> + +<p>"Have you never observed a man working on a warm day?" asked the +teacher.</p> + +<p>"No, don't think I ever saw one."</p> + +<p>"What does your father do on a right hot day?"</p> + +<p>"He goes in bathing out at Coney Island."</p> + +<p>"What is your father's business?"</p> + +<p>"He is a walking delegate."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span> +<span class="i0">A tramp asked a farmer for something to eat<br /></span> +<span class="i2">One day as he chanced there to stop,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The kind hearted farmer went out to the shed<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And gave him an axe and feelingly said:<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"Now just help yourself to a chop."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Yes" said a landlord, sadly, whose tenant had made a moonlight +"flitting," "appearances are deceitful; but disappearances are +still more so."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Sailors are not fond of agricultural implements usually, but they +always welcome the cry of "Land-hoe."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Some men divide their lives between trying to forget and trying +to recover from the effects of trying to forget.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Castles in the air are walled in by fancy," remarked the poet. +"Faith, I'd prefer a <i>rale</i> fence," said Pat.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A boy who is frequently chastised both by his mother and +grandmother, speaks of them as "a spanking team."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span>A man aroused his wife from a sound sleep, the other night, +saying that he had seen a ghost in the shape of a donkey.</p> + +<p>"Oh! let me sleep," the irate dame rejoined, "and don't be +frightened at your own shadow."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What a fearful night I had when I drew this gun the first time!" +said the bartender, as he showed a handsome silver-mounted Colt.</p> + +<p>"When was it?" gasped the crowd.</p> + +<p>"Night before last at the raffle in Kelley's!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Gee whizz!" said the boy who had been forced to take castor oil. +"I do wish ma was a Christian Scientist!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>If you want to see a strong organization, look at the whisky +dealers; if you want to see a weak one, look at the consumers.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">With cards and dice, and dress and friends,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">My savings are complete;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I light the candle at both ends,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And thus make both ends meet.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span>"There goes a man who leads in letters."</p> + +<p>"Ah, indeed! What's his name?"</p> + +<p>"A.A. Adams."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Lawyers practice at the bar, while bartenders and mosquitoes +practice inside of it.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A squall on the sea is a stress of weather, and a squaller on +land is a songstress.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Adversity is not without comfort—your enemy may be in harder +luck than you.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>When a man is short of money he finds most of his friends whom he +meets short-sighted.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">A beautiful lassie named Florence,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Once wept till her tears flowed in torence.<br /></span> +<span class="i6">When asked why she cried,<br /></span> +<span class="i6">She sighed, and replied,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"The Sheriff's been here with some worence."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span>In this glorious land of the free, you always have to pay for the +drinks in order to get a whack at the free lunch.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Grace</span>—"Fred and Mabel are not on speaking terms any +more."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Bella</span>—"Why, I thought they were engaged."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Grace</span>—"So they are. They just sit for hours and hold +each other's hands."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Do you believe in luck?"</p> + +<p>"Sometimes. See that fat woman with the red hat over there?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Twenty years ago she refused to marry me."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Haven't I told you before," he cried, "to sing out the names of +stations clearly and distinctly? Bear in mind. Sing 'em out. Do +you hear?"</p> + +<p>"I will sir."</p> + +<p>And when the next train came in the passengers were considerably +astonished to hear Pat sing:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Sweet Dreamland Faces<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Passing to and fro,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Change here for Limerick,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Galway and Mayo."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span>"A butcher knows how to make both ends meet."</p> + +<p>"Yes, if you give him the proper steer."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"That man has had five wives."</p> + +<p>"Tandem or simultaneously?"</p> + +<p>"I don't understand."</p> + +<p>"Is he a Mormon or a Chicago man?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—How does it happen that none of you women have come +forward with a new currency plan?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—Oh, we already have a perfect one. When we need +currency we just sit down and cry for it.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A boil in the pot is worth two on the neck.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Letters from, a soldier of fortune—I.O.U.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I'm very much surprised," quoth Harry,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"That Jane a gambler should marry."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"I'm not at all," her sister says,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"You know he has such <i>winning ways</i>!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Whether tall men, or short men are best,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Or bold men, or modest and shy men,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I can't say, but this I protest,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">All the fair are in favor of <i>Hy-men</i>.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>An Irishman wandering up Fifth avenue saw in the window of a +photographer's shop a large photograph of Mephisto. He went +inside, and after gazing about the walls, said to the proprietor:</p> + +<p>"I want to have a pichtur taken av meself an' me bruther. How +much?"</p> + +<p>The proprietor named the figure.</p> + +<p>"All right," said Pat. "Will you take it now?"</p> + +<p>"Where is your brother?" asked the photographer. "He's in +Ireland," was the reply.</p> + +<p>"Well my man," said the photographer, "we can't take his picture +unless he is here."</p> + +<p>"That's funny," said Pat. "Ye took a pichtur of the divil, an' +he's down below."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Did you shoot anything, Henrick?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, a duck."</p> + +<p>"What! a wild one?"</p> + +<p>"No, but the farmer was wild."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span><span class="sc">He</span>—"The fact is, you women make fools of the men."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—"Sometimes, perhaps; but sometimes we don't have +to."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What was the subject of your debate this evening?"</p> + +<p>"Whisky."</p> + +<p>"Was it well discussed?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, most of the members were full of the subject."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">The Doctor</span>—"You regard society as merely a machine, do +you? What part of the machinery do you consider me, for +instance?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">The Professor</span>—"You are one of the cranks."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Do you think the elevator boy stole your watch?"</p> + +<p>"Well, he swore up and down that he didn't."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Slopay</span>—"And, doctor, if you will, I wish you would give +me something to help my memory. I forget so easily."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Doctor</span>—"Very well. I'll send you a bill every month."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span>If the devil lost its tail, where would he go to get another one?</p> + +<p>To a liquor store where they retail spirits.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What must a man be that he shall be buried with military +honors?"</p> + +<p>"He must be a captain."</p> + +<p>"Then I lose the bet."</p> + +<p>"What did you bet?"</p> + +<p>"I bet he must be dead."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Actor Friend</span> (inquiring at boarding house)—Has Mr. +Comedy taken his departure yet?</p> + +<p>"Yes," snapped the landlady, "but that's all he did take; I've +got his wardrobe."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"We have German bands and French bands and American bands, but +you never hear of an Irish band. You couldn't have one. Every man +would want to be leader."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He dined, not wisely, but too well—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Hence all his ills;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And nothing now agrees with him,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Excepting pills.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span><span class="sc">Tommy</span>—Yes, cats can see in the dark, and so can Ethel; +'cause when Mr. Wright walked into the parlor when she was +sitting all alone in the dark, I heard her say to him, "Why, +Arthur, you didn't get shaved to-day."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Too bad they can't train cats to understand baseball," remarked +the fat man to his neighbor on the bleachers. "They'd make ideal +umpires. One life for each inning."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Oh, I am awfully worried. I walk in my sleep." "I only wish I +could do it. If I could I'd still have my job on the police +force."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He was a genial, smiling man<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And fond of whisky plain,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But when he joined the temperance club,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He never smiled again.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">She wants to be punctual, always on time,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">So carries her watch where she goes.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And if you examine her wardrobe you'll find<br /></span> +<span class="i2">She even has clocks on her hose.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span><span class="sc">Merchant</span> (to his confidential clerk)—Here's a letter +from Mr. Slowpay, but no money. What's the matter with him?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Clerk</span>—Oh, he's all write.</p> + +<p>"Who's all write?"</p> + +<p>"Slowpay."</p> + +<p>But they didn't cheer any, for there's no cheer in such writing.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Only a silver watch," said the pawnbroker. "The last time I +advanced you money on your watch it had a solid gold case."</p> + +<p>"Yes," replied Hard-uppe, "but—er—circumstances alter cases, +you know."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Visitor</span>—"Oh, what a nice parrot you've got! Pretty +Polly! Polly want a cracker?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Parrot</span>—"Oh, come off! I'm not as green as I look."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Dear," said the physician's wife, "when can you let me have ten +dollars?"</p> + +<p>"Well," replied the medical man. "I hope to cash a draft +shortly."</p> + +<p>"Cash a draft? What draft?"</p> + +<p>"The one I saw old Jenkins sitting in this morning."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span><span class="sc">Newlywed</span>-"What do bachelors know about women?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Oldbach</span>-"Lots; otherwise they would not be bachelors."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"And did you never kiss a girl under the mistletoe?"</p> + +<p>"Well, no; its pleasanter to kiss her under the nose."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Wife</span>-Will you see that my grave is kept green, my +darling?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Husband</span>—No, my dear, but I will plant violets upon it.</p> + +<p>"For what reason?"</p> + +<p>"Because I do not wish any grave-robber to dig up your body."</p> + +<p>"How will the planting of violets upon my grave prevent them from +digging me up?"</p> + +<p>"Your grave will be kept inviolate, of course."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Haughty Lady</span>—(who has purchased a stamp)-Must I put it +on myself?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Post Office Assistant</span> (very politely)—Not necessarily, +ma'am; it will probably accomplish more if you put it on the +letter.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span> +<span class="i0">My dentist has an eagle eye<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And vicious tools he hacks with,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He's clever, but I've come to think<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He'd make a better blacksmith.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Well, I see Admiral Dewey's rank is reduced."</p> + +<p>"What is he, a commodore?"</p> + +<p>"No."</p> + +<p>"A captain?"</p> + +<p>"No."</p> + +<p>"Well, what is he?"</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Dewey's second mate."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Well, have you anything to say?" asked the Judge.</p> + +<p>The little man on the witness stand looked around the court-room +rather fearfully.</p> + +<p>"That depends," he answered at last "Is my wife in the room?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I hope they don't give my little boy any naughty nicknames in +school?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, ma, they call me 'Corns'."</p> + +<p>"How dreadful! And why do they call you that?"</p> + +<p>"Cause in our class, you know, I'm always at the foot."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span>"Every time I get on a ferry boat it makes me cross."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"How is Uncle Mose coming on?" asked Sam Johnsing of Jim Webster.</p> + +<p>"He will be out in a few days."</p> + +<p>"Is his rheumatism done gone?"</p> + +<p>"Well, not perzackly. Dar's room for improvement yit."</p> + +<p>"Yes, I've heerd some rheumers ter dat effec'."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>—"When Mrs. Riley died she left $40,000 sewed up in her bustle."</p> + +<p>—"Dear me! That's a lot of money to leave behind."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"John, can you tell me the difference between attraction of +gravitation and attraction of cohesion?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir; attraction of gravitation pulls a drunken man down to +the ground and the attraction of cohesion prevents his getting up +again."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Doctor</span>—You are fagged out; you must give up all +headwork.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Patient</span>—Why, that spells ruin! I'm a hair-dresser!</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span>After a man has had occasion to employ a first-class lawyer it is +useless to tell him that talk is cheap.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"My dear, what makes you always yawn?"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"Is home so dull and dreary?"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"Not so, my love," he said, "Not so;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But man and wife are <i>one</i>, you know;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And when <i>alone</i> I'm weary!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A man stole a harness the other day and never left a trace.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Why does a donkey eat thistles?" asked a Texas teacher of one of +the largest boys in the class.</p> + +<p>"Because he is an ass, I reckon."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Doing anything now, Bill?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes, I'm kept busy all the time."</p> + +<p>"Ah, glad to hear it. What are you doing?"</p> + +<p>"Looking for a job."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Jones caught the hay fever from dancing with a grass widow."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Of all the saws<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That I ever saw saw,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I never saw a saw<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Saw like this saw saws.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I see villainy in your face," said a judge to a prisoner.</p> + +<p>"May it please your honor," said the latter, "that is a personal +reflection."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Don't pen missives to your best girl on postal cards. She may +have suspicion that you do not care two cents for her.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Can you give me a front room on the first floor?" asked a +travelling man of the recently installed clerk.</p> + +<p>"Can I give it to you?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, that is what I remarked."</p> + +<p>"That's queer," said the clerk, "you're the fourth man to-day who +thought I owned this hotel."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I know a man who says he can't sit down and he can't stand up."</p> + +<p>"Well, if he tells the truth, he lies."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Mirrors reflect without speaking and women often speak without +reflecting.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span> +<span class="i0">A mechanic his labor will often discard,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">If the rate of his pay he dislikes:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But a clock-and its case is uncommonly hard—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Will continue to work though it <i>strikes</i>!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I don't think my religion will be any obstacle to your church," +he urged; "I am a spiritualist."</p> + +<p>"I am afraid it will," she replied "Pa is a prohibitionist, you +know."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"One day in the dining-car, the boy across the aisle got to +laughing so, he couldn't stop. I said to his mother, 'that boy +needs a spanking.' She said, 'well, I don't believe in spanking a +boy on a full stomach.' I said, 'neither do I. Turn him over-'"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>The tramp should never complain of hunger when he can always +enjoy a little loaf.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"My face is my fortune, sir," she said,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But her suitor saw right through her;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She meant she could not cash a check,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Unless the banker knew her.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span>"I understand that Judge Brown is breaking up housekeeping."</p> + +<p>"That can't be. He's very busy these days deciding divorce +cases."</p> + +<p>"Well, isn't that what I said?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"That was a pretty good dog story, wasn't it?" asked Dinwiddie, +as he finished telling one.</p> + +<p>"Yes," replied Gaswell; "but it was too long. It ought to have +been curtailed."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Casey bet on a horse which finished last. He went down to the +paddock, called out the jockey who had ridden him and said: "In +hivin's name, young man, phwat delayed you?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"And you really think that a miss is as good as a mile?"</p> + +<p>"Yaas, and a good deal better, for one can kiss a miss, when one +couldn't kiss a mile, don'cher know?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Friend</span>—Do you permit your wife to have her own way?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Husband</span> (positively)—No, sir. She has it without my +permission.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span>"I'm not surprised that hair-dressers feel so much at ease in the +society of the great."</p> + +<p>"You're not?"</p> + +<p>"No; they are surrounded at home by any number of big-wigs."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>She—They say the eyes are the windows of the soul, I believe.</p> + +<p>He—Yes; and when a man goes into a drug store and shuts a window +quickly, the clerk knows just about what the poor soul wants.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Boy</span> (with new gun)—"Pa, has a cat got nine lives?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Papa</span> (donor of gun)—"Yes, so we are told. Why do you +ask?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Boy</span>—"Well, then, Mr. Brown's tabby's got eight coming +to her."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What became of that girl you made love to in the hammock?"</p> + +<p>"We fell out."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Did you hear the story about the peacock?"</p> + +<p>"No."</p> + +<p>"It's a beautiful tale."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span>"Boss, hab you got any ob dem confound cavortic pills?"</p> + +<p>"Yes. Do you want them plain or coated?"</p> + +<p>"Dunno. I want dem ones what's whitewashed."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Why is a kiss like the three graces?"</p> + +<p>"Its faith to a girl; hope to a young woman and charity to an old +maid."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Things are wrong," remarked the observer of events and things, +"when a reputable physician has to pay money for a certificate to +practice, and a fourteen-year-old girl with a new piano doesn't."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"In choosing a wife," said the scanty-haired philosopher, "one +should never judge by appearances."</p> + +<p>"That's right," rejoined the very young man. "The homeliest girls +usually have the most money."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Say, did you ever feel as if you wanted to 'hit the pipe?'"</p> + +<p>"No, but I've often felt as if I wanted to hit the man who was +smoking it."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span>"It was this a-way, jedge: Ye see, I doled de cards, and Jim +Brown he had a pah of aces and a pah of kings."</p> + +<p>"What did you have?"</p> + +<p>"Three aces, jedge, and——"</p> + +<p>"What did Jim do?"</p> + +<p>"Jim, he drew."</p> + +<p>"What did he draw?"</p> + +<p>"He drew a razzer, jedge."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Have you received last month's gas bill, dear?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, husband."</p> + +<p>"Well, what's the charge of the light brigade?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"You are absolutely certain about your statement?" asked the +lawyer.</p> + +<p>"Absolutely certain," assented the witness.</p> + +<p>"You swear that this is true?"</p> + +<p>"I do."</p> + +<p>"Would you bet on it?"</p> + +<p>"Er—well—yes, if I got the right odds."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Where did you get that hair on your coat?"</p> + +<p>"From the head of the bed."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span><span class="sc">Mr. B.</span>—"You won't want that new novel now that you have +the new baby, will you?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Mrs. B.</span>—"Yes, I want them both. To have and to hold."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—"You say your automobile has been acting strangely +all day?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—"Yes; it has stopped I don't know how many times."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—"And what are you putting the oil on it for?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—"To stop it stopping."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Massachusetts is noted for boots and shoes."</p> + +<p>"Yes and Kentucky is noted for shoots and booze."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Only the highest element in local society was invited to the +ball."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I see! It was a high-ball."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—"A writer says that in order to succeed a man must +be ninety-five per cent. backbone."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—"Oh, I don't know. A good many who have managed to +arrive are ninety-five per cent. cheek."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span><span class="sc">Sillicus</span>—Do you think we shall know each other in the +hereafter?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Cynicus</span>—I hope so. Few of us really know each other +here.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Some fellows marry poor girls to settle down and others marry +rich ones to settle up.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Some people who jump at conclusions lose sight of the hurdles.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"It's a dridful bother to me that I have to be sewing buttons on +me own clothes. If I was only a married man I'd ask me woife +niver to allow our son to grow up an ould batchler like his +fayther."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—You can't eat cake and keep it.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—Oh, yes, you can—the kind you make.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Says his lordship to Thomas, "Your rent I must raise,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For I never can <i>raise it</i> myself."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span><span class="sc">Scene</span>—Cabstand. Lady distributing tracts, hands one to +cabby, who glances at it, hands it back and says politely, "Thank +you, lady, but I'm a married man." Lady nervously looks at the +title, and reading, "Abide with me," hurriedly departs, to the +great amusement of cabby.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Sentimental Wife</span>—Last night I dreamt that I was in +heaven.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Gruff Husband</span>—You did, eh? Why the deuce didn't you +stay there?</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He said to her: "You're just a bird!"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"Then, Johnnie, dear," said she,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"If all is true that I have heard,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A bottle goes with me."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A Frankfort man has written a farce comedy called "Vaccine." It +ought to take.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>As the umpire shouted "Three balls!" the batsman started +guiltily.</p> + +<p>"This isn't the first time I've raised something on a diamond," +he muttered, as he hit the next one and knocked a pop-fly to the +pitcher.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span><span class="sc">Husband</span>—"Where's your mistress? She said she'd be ready +in a minute, and I've waited half an hour."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Maid</span>—"She'll be down in a second, sir. She's changing +her complexion to match her new gown."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Ah! I'm saddest when I sing,"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">She sang in plaintive key;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And all the neighbors yelled,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"So are we! so are we."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Pa, what does Sioux Falls, S.D., mean?"</p> + +<p>"Eh? Sioux Falls is the name of a town."</p> + +<p>"And what's S.D.?"</p> + +<p>"Swift divorce, of course."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">A watch's fate is hard indeed,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">For when it's not in soak<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It's set back if it gets ahead<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And scorned whene'er it's broke.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">After wedding a rich heiress, Price<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Said, "Gambling's a terrible vice,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">But one thing I know,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">This matching for dough<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Is a thing that's exceedingly nice."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span>Firemen, as well as other people, like to talk of their flames.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>The speaker of the house is in deadly peril when every member on +the floor wants to get his eye.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>I asked a young lady living on her pa's farm what they did with +all their fruit? Says she: "We eat all we can and can all we +can't."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Regular Caller</span>—"I'd like to see your father, Tommy, if +he isn't engaged."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Tommy</span>—"He is; but what is the matter with Clara? She +isn't engaged."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What is a swell affair, Jim?"</p> + +<p>"Swell affair! lemme see. Ah! yes, I know—a boil."</p> + +<p>"Something else, try again."</p> + +<p>"No, give it up."</p> + +<p>"A hill, ye know. Don't ye see, a hill is a swell affair, and +besides all hills have got crests."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"There's a great art," says Mickey Dolan, "in knowing what not to +know whin yez don't want to know it."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span>"And so Prof. Greene has at last discovered the missing link! +Where did he find it?"</p> + +<p>"Under the bureau, I understand."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Young ladies who feel anxious to preserve the most symmetrical +anatomical proportions, should never be in a hurry. They should +remember that 'haste' makes waist."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Anything new in your neighborhood?" we asked a farmer.</p> + +<p>"Yes, the whole neighborhood is stirred up," he replied.</p> + +<p>"What is the cause?" we asked eagerly.</p> + +<p>"Ploughing."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I don't give a rap," said the coachman, haughtily, as he rang +the electric bell.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">A farmer once called his cow "Zephyr,"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She seemed such an amiable hephyr.<br /></span> +<span class="i4">When the farmer drew near,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">She kicked off his ear,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And now the old farmer's much dephyr.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span>"Are you engaged?" inquired the lady of Bridget at the +intelligence office. "No, mum, but I have regular company for +four nights o' the week."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>How to gain flesh—buy out a butcher shop.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Ida</span>—"Yes, dear, this is one of those 'perfume' concerts +the same as they have in New York."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">May</span>—"Perfume? Why I smell gasoline."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Ida</span>—"Well, you see, they are playing the 'Automobile +March' now."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>When the curtain at the theater takes a drop the majority of the +males in the audience go out to follow suit.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"There's one peculiar feature about the trust business."</p> + +<p>"What?"</p> + +<p>"Those interested in it don't need it."</p> + +<p>"Don't need what?"</p> + +<p>"Trust. They can pay cash."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A woman's shoe that is "a mile too big," is never a foot in +length.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Full many a coat tail that is long and wide<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Does from the public gaze two monstrous patches hide.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>The glazier is not necessarily a tiresome man because he "gives +you a pane."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Some men are easily satisfied," remarked the Observer of Events +and Things. "There is the clock-maker, for instance, he never +gets any extra pay, and yet every day he works overtime."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A poacher, surprised at his work and pursued in his escape by a +vengefully thrown axe, remarked, as he vaulted a fence: "I have +no fault to find with your remarks, but I object to the +axe-sent."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Take away my first letter, take away my second letter, take away +all my letters and I am still the same. What am I? The postman.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"You have been losing flesh lately, haven't you?" "Yes, I've been +shaving myself."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span> + +<div style="margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; text-align: left;"><div style="margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;"> +<span class="i0">An emblem of tenuity<br /></span> +<span class="i2">We witness every day;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Behold the corset-and you'll see<br /></span> +<span class="i2a">The whale-bone comes to</span> <span class="fakesc">STAY.</span><br /> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—Did you ever see anything at so-called bargain sales +that was really cheap?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—Yes; the look on the man's face who accompanied his +wife to one of them.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Teacher of Drawing Class</span>—"Willie, tell me how you would +make a maltese cross."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Willie</span>—"Step on his tail, mum."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Guest</span>—"Look here, waiter, do you call this a spring +chicken? By the lord Harry, it is as tough as a mother-in-law's +tongue."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Waiter</span>—"Yes, sir, I suppose it was hatched from a +hardboiled egg!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"About the only time my tailor gives his customers regular fit," +said Buttons, "is when they neglect to pay their bills."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span>A man with the heart disease is about the only chap who desires a +"regular beat" for a bosom friend.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>The landlord came to Mrs. O'Hooligan on the first day of May +last, and said: "See here, my foine loidy, I am going to raise +your rent." "Oh thanks be to the Lord," said Mrs. O'Hooligan, +"I'm so glad that you intend to raise it for me as Dan aint' +working and I'm nather able nor willing to raise it myself."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—The bride looks radiant, as brides usually do.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—Yes, but the bridegroom appears rather run down.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—Run down eh? That's just it; caught after a long +chase.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—You look as though you had raised Ned at your club +last night.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—I did; and, what is worse, he raised me back.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Franklin</span>—"Do you know, I started in life as a +barefooted boy?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Hardy</span>—"Well, I'll tell you I wasn't born with shoes +on."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span>Before marriage, women wants tenderness. In a little while she is +satisfied with legal tender.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Pat</span>—Who is being lowered into a well; "Sthop, will ye, +Murphy? Oi want to coom up again."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Murphy</span>—Still letting him down, "Phat for?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Pat</span>—"Oi'll Show ye. Af ye don't sthop lettin' me doon, +Oi'll cut the rope."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>It is a Maine husband who has dubbed his wife "Crystal," because +she is always "on the watch."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"So Maude is happily married?"</p> + +<p>"Happily? I should say she is! Why she married a somnambulist, +who gets up in his sleep every morning and builds the fire."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Two Hebrews went to a Mills Hotel and were obliged to take a bath +before retiring.</p> + +<p>Upon beholding each other, one shouted in surprise, "Oh, Abey, +how dirty you are!"</p> + +<p>"Vell, what you tink?" said Abey, "I'm three years older dan +you."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span>A teacher in a high school asked a little wad of an Irish boy to +describe a lake. "Sure and it is hole in the kettle."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>The first kiss only comes once in a lifetime.</p> + +<p>The trouble with the fellow who loses his temper is that he +always finds it again.</p> + +<p>The man who plays the bass drum should have no difficulty in +beating his way.</p> + +<p>An amateur performance for charity demonstrates that charity +uncovers a multitude of sins.</p> + +<p>It takes a musical crank to play a hand organ.</p> + +<p>It is possible to square yourself without resorting to cube root.</p> + +<p>While some people mount upward to the pinnacle of fame, others +reach the height of folly.</p> + +<p>A faint heart may never win a fair lady, but five of them have +won many a jackpot.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The portrait tumbled from the wall<br /></span> +<span class="i4">And hit the young man's head.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"A striking likeness!" That was all<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The rueful punster said.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span>The fact that a man has not cut his hair for ten or twelve years +need not necessarily imply that he is eccentric. He may be bald.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>When a couple are about to elope the young man asks, "Does your +mother know your route?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I will not sit that way!" angrily screamed the obstinate lady in +the photographer's gallery. "I can't, and I won't; so there!"</p> + +<p>"Madame," said the photographer, "it will be impossible for me to +make a good negative of you unless you quit being so positive."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>An Irishman in order to celebrate the advent of a new era, went +out on a lark. He didn't get home, till 3 o'clock in the morning, +and was barely in the house before a nurse rushed up and, +uncovering a bunch of soft goods, showed him triplets. The +Irishman looked up at the clock which said 3, then at the three +of a kind in the nurse's arms, and said: "O'im not superstitious, +but thank Hivins thot Oi didn't come home at twilve!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span>"Good gracious," said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg +on the nest. "I shall be a bricklayer next."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Are you intimate with any of the nobility?" asked Chippy. "Well, +rather!" replied Clubdoodle. "I got a queen full last night, and +had a high old time with four kings."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Electricity is a great educator. Think what it has done to make +men see things in a new light.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Will the coming man use both arms?" asks a scientist. "Yes, if +he can trust the girl to handle the reins."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I hear Smith, the sea captain, is in hard luck. He married a +girl and she ran away from him."</p> + +<p>"Yes, he took her for a mate, but she was a skipper."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Another great discovery of diamonds in Kentucky! A man got five +of them on the first deal.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What makes so much froth in a glass of beer, pa?"</p> + +<p>"The barkeep, my son."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span><span class="sc">Moses Schaumburg</span> (to his son Jackey)—"How many are +twice two, Jackey?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Jackey</span>-"Tervice two ish six."</p> + +<p>"You are wrong, Jackey. Six vas too mooch."</p> + +<p>"Don't I know dot, fadder, already some times ago. But I shoot +said six so dot you could Chew me down."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">'Tis now the wily urchin mocks<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The lynx-eyed cop along the docks,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And plunges in the cooling tide,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Arrayed in naught else but his hide.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Everybody knows a woman is hard to please. She likes the +matrimonial harness, but doesn't like to be hitched up with a man +who is strapped.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I wonder why blondes are always anxious to be wedded?"</p> + +<p>"I guess it is because they're naturally light-headed."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Each evening a good-looking Mr.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Comes around for a visit to my Sr.;<br /></span> +<span class="i6">One night on the stairs,<br /></span> +<span class="i6">He, all unawares,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Put his arm round her figure and Kr.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span>"Do you know the nature of an oath, ma'am?" inquired the judge. +"Well, I reckon I orter," was the reply. "My husband drives a +canal boat."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Brown</span>—"Young Dudel's body has been recovered." "Why, I +didn't know he had been drowned." "He hasn't. He merely bought a +new suit of clothes."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Hart the millionaire, did not +have a pair of shoes to cover his feet."</p> + +<p>"And when was that, pray?"</p> + +<p>"At the time he was bathing."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Widowhood makes a woman unselfish." "Why so?" "Because she +ceases to look out for Number One and begins to look out for +Number Two."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>The judge asked an Irish policeman named O'Connell, "When did you +last see your sister?" The policeman replied: "The last time I +saw her, Judge, was about eight months ago, when she called at my +home, and I was out." "Then you did not see her on that +occasion?" "No, Judge; I wasn't there."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span>If Broomstick, as rumored, is in a woman's hands, he may be +booked to beat the favorite.</p> + +<p>Torchlight and Igniter, coupled should prove a red hot +combination, but with Extinguisher in the race might not bring in +any money to burn.</p> + +<p>Animosity evidently has it in for some of the others.</p> + +<p>Surmise ought to keep a lot of them guessing.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Brown</span>—What kind of a cigar is that, old man?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Jones</span>—It's called "The Soldier Boy."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Brown</span>—H'm, I notice it belongs to the ranks.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Can I sell you a nice cheap trunk to-day?" asked a dealer.</p> + +<p>"And what the dickens do Oi be after wantin' a thrunk?"</p> + +<p>"To put your clothes in, of course!"</p> + +<p>"And go naked? Not a bit iv it!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>We are told that "Gen. Sherman was always coolest when on the +point of attack." Most people are hottest when on the point of a +tack.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span>"I wish the hot weather would come along," sighed the +thermometer. "People are beginning to look upon me as a thing of +low degree."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I wouldn't stand for that if I were you. Why don't you call him +a liar?"</p> + +<p>"That's just what I'll do. Where, where is your telephone?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"This," murmured the demure maiden, when her lover nudged up +still closer on the sofa, "is the closest call I've ever had."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>The rapidity of ocean transport is becoming truly marvelous. A +sea captain boasts that he finished loading a cargo of wheat at +San Francisco by dinner time, and then went to China for tea.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"You are making yourself rather officious in this crowd," said a +burly policeman to a notorious pickpocket. "I am only trying to +dis-purse them," said the thief.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>The slats of the shutter of our office-window are in a +dilapidated condition. "Please help the blind."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span>"Did you ever catch your husband flirting?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; that's the very way I did catch him."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A deaf and dumb mute recently went into a bicycle shop and picked +up a hub and spoke.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>The girl who marries a title very frequently turns her fortune to +a count.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>There appears to be no affinity between the prestidigitator and +the theatrical manager, yet they both make passes.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>We don't always know just how the "other half" lives; but, in +Chicago, the "better half" lives on her alimony.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What did de lady do when yer asked her for an old collar?"</p> + +<p>"She gave me a turndown."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Are any of the colors discernible to the touch?" asked the +school teacher.</p> + +<p>"I have often felt blue," replied the boy at the head of the +class.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span> +<span class="i0">"No, seat, no pay!" the people cry<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Along the Elevated,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And stand upon the law by which<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The company was created.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The railway rulers promise much<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To settle these dissensions,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And every promise proves that "L"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Is paved with good intentions.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Woman with satchel enters car, sits down.</p> + +<p>Enters conductor, asks fare.</p> + +<p>Woman opens satchel, takes out purse, shuts satchel, opens purse, +takes out dime, shuts purse, opens satchel, puts in purse, shuts +satchel.</p> + +<p>Offers dime, receives nickel.</p> + +<p>Opens satchel, takes out purse, shuts satchel, opens purse, puts +in nickel, closes purse, opens satchel, puts in purse, closes +satchel.</p> + +<p>Stop the car, please.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A baby is good stock on hand, but it makes bills payable and +figures largely in the profit and loss account.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Don't pick a quarrel before it is ripe.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Hardy</span>—Why do they call that Pullman porter doctor?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Fish</span>—Why, because he has attended so many berths.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Mother may I go out to swim?"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"No, my darling daughter—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Keep your clothes on your hickory limb;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then nobody'll know you've got her."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>What do you think, I let my watch drop in the water and it never +stopped running.</p> + +<p>"Well, maybe it is used to being in soak?" "No, I think the +mainspring was dry."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Do you use each of those four mallets in the course of your +work?" asked a wag of a cooper.</p> + +<p>"Yes sir, I do."</p> + +<p>"Then it can be remarked that while your occupation is not +conducted strictly according to etiquette, there is much +four-mallet-y about it."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"A coal stove is a cast-iron paradox. It won't burn unless you +put it up; then it won't burn unless you shake it down."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span><span class="sc">Uncle Fred</span>—Why, my girl, you've grown like a cucumber +vine! What progress are you making towards matrimony?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Clara</span>—Well, uncle, I'm on my fifth lap.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Remember," said the teacher, "that no man ever left this earth +and returned."</p> + +<p>"There was one," spoke up a small boy.</p> + +<p>"Who was he?"</p> + +<p>"Santos Dumont."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Smith</span>—Most things that are bought go to the buyer.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Jones</span>—Yes, all except coal; that goes to the cellar.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>An Irishman, having gone out in his night-gown on a bitter cold +night to stop the howling of a dog, was found by his wife, almost +paralyzed with cold, holding the struggling dog by the tail. +"Howley Mother, Pat," says she, "what would ye be afther doin?"</p> + +<p>"Hush," said Pat, "don't ye see O'im trying to fraze the baste?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span>"Another tragedy," said the cynic, as shrill shrieks arose from +the ruined cistern. "I suppose there is a woman at the bottom of +it."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What do you think? My sister is married."</p> + +<p>"Well for Goodness sake! who married her?"</p> + +<p>"Why, the clergyman of course."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The ladies—bless 'em—it beats all!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">When they are young and squallers,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Their hearts are sets upon the doll—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">When grown, upon the dollars.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Well, darling, what was the text?"</p> + +<p>"I'm not quite sure, papa, but it sounded like, 'Many are Cold, +but Few are Frozen.'"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Jones, "I have such a bargain!"</p> + +<p>"Indeed?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; you told me that blue poker chips were worth a dollar +apiece, and I got a whole lot of them for seventy-five cents at a +sale."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span><span class="sc">Agnes</span>—My right cheek burns so; what can I do to stop +it?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Lucy</span>—Tell Jack to shave oftener.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Sam Short was so fond of Welsh rare-bit<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That his taste led him into the hare-bit<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Of spending his days<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Near the doors of cafeys,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And when he would see one he'd grare-bit.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>How is that; you weren't drowned last week when you fell +overboard, you can't swim?</p> + +<p>No, I had on a pair of duck pants.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Doctors are like cockroaches. When you once get them into the +house, it is terribly difficult to get them out again.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Fogg says his sister Ann will talk culture till he falls asleep. +He says she is a sort of Ann æsthetic.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I'm afraid the bed is not long enough for you," said the +landlord to a seven-foot guest.</p> + +<p>"Never mind," he replied; "I'll add two more feet to it when I +get in."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span>"I never could see why they always called a boat 'she.'"</p> + +<p>"Evidently you have never tried to steer one."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Did you hear that there was a skeleton in Smith's family?" asked +Jones.</p> + +<p>"You don't say so!" exclaimed his wife. "Where?"</p> + +<p>"Inside of Smith of course."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A young woman who married a one-legged man says it doesn't take +much to make her husband hopping mad.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What was the trouble?"</p> + +<p>"He couldn't swim."</p> + +<p>"What has that to do with his failure?"</p> + +<p>"He got into a company where the stock was all water."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"It takes Tom a day and a night to tell a story."</p> + +<p>"He'd make a good bookkeeper, I should think."</p> + +<p>"Why?"</p> + +<p>"Never short in his account."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span><span class="sc">John</span>—Why is a woman's heart like an umbrella?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Belle</span>—I'm sure I don't know.</p> + +<p>"Because it is not considered any harm to steal it."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Cheer up, friend," said the parson to the dying editor, "you +have a bright future before you."</p> + +<p>"That's what's bothering me," gasped the editor, "I can see it +blazing."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Mr. Schmidt</span>—"I don't feel preddy well, Hans. I haf a +horse in my throat."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Hans</span>—"Dot 'horse' is nod right. You mean you have a +'colt in your hedt.'"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A green Irishman was sent by his employer to take charge of a +Jewish funeral, and upon making his report to his "Boss," Pat +says:</p> + +<p>"That's a curious custom the Jews have of placing a $20 gold +piece in the right hand of the corpse."</p> + +<p>"Why, that is to pay his way over the river Jordan."</p> + +<p>"Well," says Pat, "if that's the case that Hebrew will have to +swim, because I swiped the $20."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Now in the parlor meet the pair,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">When the golden day is done;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Two forms with but one easy chair,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Two hearts that beat as one.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What do you think of this scheme of telegraphing without wires?"</p> + +<p>"That's nothing new. My wife has kicked my sins under the table +for twenty years."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A tramp rang a doctor's doorbell, and asked the pretty woman who +opened the door if she would be so kind as to ask the doctor if +he had a pair of old trousers he would kindly give away. "I'm the +doctor," said the smiling young woman, and the tramp nearly +fainted.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"When Mr. Casey died he left all he had to an orphan asylum."</p> + +<p>"Indeed! That was nice of him. What did he leave?"</p> + +<p>"His twelve children."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">There once was a wary prof.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who captured a youthful trans.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He said, "Son, don't lie—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Aren't you stealing pie?"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But the lad said, "I'm not a conf."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span>"What is there about betting on horse-races that is so bad for +the health?" said young Mrs. Brown.</p> + +<p>"I never heard of anything," answered the visitor.</p> + +<p>"Didn't you? Every time Charley makes a bet he comes home and +says there is something wrong with his system."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Jackson never lights one of his cigars. Just keeps it in his +mouth and chews the end. I've often wondered why."</p> + +<p>"You wouldn't if you had ever smoked one of them."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Jones the dentist, ought to make a good poker player.</p> + +<p>Why?</p> + +<p>He draws and fills so well.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Customer (to the coal dealer): "Have you got any name for those +scales of yours?"</p> + +<p>"I never heard of scales having a name."</p> + +<p>"Well, you ought to call your scales Ambush. You see, they are +always lying in weight."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span><span class="sc">First Senior</span>—Heard about Exsheff? He went down into +South Africa, and he's come home a regular repository of Zulu +spearheads and Boer bullets.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Second Senior</span>—I always said he had good metal in him.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What makes your sister so stout now, she used to be very thin?"</p> + +<p>"She's working down in a photographer's."</p> + +<p>"Why, how does that make any difference?"</p> + +<p>"Well, she's in the developing room most of the time."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Jack</span>—"Are you a suitor for Miss Juliet's hand?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Tom</span>—"Yes; but I didn't."</p> + +<p>"Didn't what?"</p> + +<p>"Suit her."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What's the matter with Smith?"</p> + +<p>"Why?"</p> + +<p>"He goes along as abstractedly as though he were drunk and were +seeing double."</p> + +<p>"He is. They have twins at his home."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span>Business men who marry their typewriter girls are apt to find +that the young women are not so ready to submit to dictation +after the wedding.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>The first impulse of the young married man, on being presented +with his first baby, is to give it a-weigh.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Mrs. B.</span>—Have you seen the new dance called "The +Automobile?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Mr. B.</span>—No; sort of breakdown, I suppose?</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A young lady in Philadelphia is said to have had five lovers, all +named Samuel. Her photograph album must be a book of Sams.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"You should sleep on your right side, madam."</p> + +<p>"I really can't do it, doctor; my husband talks in his sleep, and +I can't hear a thing with my left ear."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>There is a Presbyterian in Jersey City so openly opposed to +baptism by immersion that he refuses to carry a Waterbury watch.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span>The following is a resolution of an Irish corporation: "That a +new jail should be built, that this be done out of the material +of the old one, and the old jail to be used until the new one be +completed."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>City Niece—"The windows in our new church are stained."</p> + +<p>Country Aunt—"Ain't that a pity. Can't they get nothing to take +it off?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Broker—"Don't you find it easier to shave some men than others?"</p> + +<p>Barber—"Yes; don't you?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Say Dad, what is an expert accountant?"</p> + +<p>"An expert accountant," replied the father, "is a man who becomes +famous by robbing a bank for two years before he is discovered."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Some men get up with the lark, while others want a swallow the +first thing in the morning.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—Time and tide wait for no man.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—No, but a woman will.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Sing not to me of falling dew<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Upon the purple hills,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">For I am worried far too much<br /></span> +<span class="i2">By falling due of bills.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"You say his wife's a brunette? I thought he married a blonde."</p> + +<p>"He did, but she dyed."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Miss Prim is a very proper young lady."</p> + +<p>"Yes; she wouldn't even accompany a young man on the piano +without a chaperon."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"He's quite a star as an after dinner speaker, isn't he?"</p> + +<p>"Star? He's a regular moon. He becomes brighter the fuller he +gets."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Dick</span>—"Do you think you'll have much trouble in popping +the question?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Tom</span>—"No, I think I'll have more trouble in questioning +the pop."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>What do you think of Windig?</p> + +<p>He reminds me of a river.</p> + +<p>What's the answer?</p> + +<p>The biggest part of him is his mouth.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[114]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Here is a chestnut your ire arouses,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">So often it's brought to your minds,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"People who live in glass houses"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Should always "pull down the blinds."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Yes, the team is quite a good one, Mr. Horsley," he said as he +returned the livery man's brag team, "but it has two drawbacks." +"Oh, indeed; and may I inquire what they are?" "The lines."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>The old lady who sent as presents to a newly-married couple a +rolling-pin, a pain of flat-irons and a motto inscribed "Fight +On," must have a grudge against them.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A man who had not the best reputation for strict veracity died +the other day, and the family was greatly incensed because some +well-meaning friends sent in a broken lyre as a floral tribute.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"It's been a coal day when you're left," said the kindling-wood +to the cinder. "You're too chip-per," replied the cinder to the +kindling wood. "Go to blazes," said the match, as it dropped in +and fired both up.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[115]</a></span>"That young gentleman has a very taking manner," said one young +lady to another at a party, of a young man who had just left +them.</p> + +<p>"Yes," was the reply, "that's his business."</p> + +<p>"His business? What is he?"</p> + +<p>"A photographer."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Kid</span>—Did the dogs ever bite you?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Gent</span>—What dogs?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Kid</span>—The dogs you ran after. Pa was telling Ma that you +used to chase the growler when he first knew you.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Guard</span>—I suppose when you were in the army you often saw +a picket fence?</p> + +<p>G.A.R.—Yes, but is was a more common sight to see a sentry box.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">A simple old farmer, McVeagh,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Whom every one said was a jeagh,<br /></span> +<span class="i10">Fell in with a man<br /></span> +<span class="i10">On the confidence plan,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And now he is back making heagh.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Why, the bare idea!"</p> + +<p>"Of what, dear?"</p> + +<p>"Telling the naked truth!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span><span class="sc">Bess</span>—May wears the worst clothes when she is riding +horseback. Look at her now!</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Fred</span>—That certainly is one of her bad habits.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"That," said the loaf, pointing to the oven, "is where I was +bred."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">First Fly</span>—Did it ever occur to you the baldheaded men +have a keener sense of humor than others?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Second Fly</span>—Well, I have noticed that they seem to be +easily tickled.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The rubber plant was rubb'ring round<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In a manner most absurd:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The long green corn prickled up her ears<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And this is what she heard:<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Wot's tomato wid you, you beat?"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Asked the onion of the hash,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"I'm jealous of the potato,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Because he's got a mash.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"He is stuck on the honeycomb,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And suits her to a tea,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I used to be in love myself,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But the cream has soured on me."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[117]</a></span>"Why do you call your dog hardware?"</p> + +<p>"Because when I go to whip him he makes a bolt for the door."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Husband</span>—That ice box of ours reminds me of a good +pinochle player.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Wife</span>—Why?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Husband</span>—Because it is a great melter.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>: Do you know, dear, you remind me of Huyler's candy.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>: Why? Because I am "so sweet?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>: No! "Fresh every hour."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Landlady</span> (proudly)—Nothing goes to waste in this house. +I make hash out of everything that's left over.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Boarder</span>—(musingly)—But what do you do with the hash +that's left over?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Landlady</span>—Re-hash it!</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"If," said the druggist, "you will give this new tonic a trial +I'm sure you will never use any other."</p> + +<p>"Excuse me," rejoined the customer, "but I prefer something less +fatal."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[118]</a></span>"Do you know, George, Papa thinks you are a literary man."</p> + +<p>"Where did he get that idea?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know, but he said you looked just like a bookmaker."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Student</span>—Professor, which is the logical way of reaching +a conclusion?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Professor</span>—Take a train of thought, my boy.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Smith</span>—They say that after a time the engineer of a +limited flyer loses his nerve.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Jones</span>—The engineer, perhaps, but not the Pullman +porter!</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What do you mean by referring to Miss Elderly as a pall-bearer?"</p> + +<p>"She sits around all day long with a green parrot on her +shoulder. I don't like such Poll-bearers."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Courtney</span>—When you proposed to Miss Dexter did you get +down on your knees?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Barclay</span>—No, I couldn't; she was sitting on them.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span><span class="sc">Kicksy</span>—Wife, can you tell me why I am like a hen?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Mrs. Kicksy</span>—No, dear, why is it?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Kicksy</span>—Because I can seldom find anything where I laid +it yesterday.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Did you ever hear about the two holes in our back-yard?"</p> + +<p>"Well! Well!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Old Jones was killed last night by a dew-drop."</p> + +<p>"Must have been a very heavy one."</p> + +<p>"About four hundred tons."</p> + +<p>"Horrible!"</p> + +<p>"You see he was standing under the trestle, and a freight train +ran off the track and dropped on him."</p> + +<p>"But how about the dew?"</p> + +<p>"Why, the train was due!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">First Doctor</span>—Well, doctor, I had a peculiar case +to-day.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Second Doctor</span>—What was it, please?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">First Doctor</span>—I attended a grass widow who is afflicted +with hay fever.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[120]</a></span><span class="sc">Fred</span>—Did you hear of The Western Furniture Co. +advertising for models.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dick</span>—What for?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Fred</span>—To try on Parlor suits.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Yes, there is one part of the dough-nut that wouldn't give you +dyspepsia."</p> + +<p>"And what part is that?"</p> + +<p>"The hole in the middle!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Fannie</span>—Why do people always apply the name of "she" to +a city?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">George</span>—I don't know. Why is it?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Fannie</span>—Because every city has outskirts.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"And you really believe that Friday is an unlucky day?"</p> + +<p>"I know it is."</p> + +<p>"Washington was born on Friday, and so was Napoleon and Tennyson +and Gladstone."</p> + +<p>"Yes, and every mother's son of them is dead!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Are you an amateur photographer?"</p> + +<p>"No. Why do you ask?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I heard that you got Miss Rox's negative last night."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[121]</a></span>Pat and Mike each wanted to be first up on St. Patrick's Day.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Pat</span>—"If I'm up first I'll make a chalk mark on the +door."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Mike</span>—"And if I get up first I'll rub it out!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Sibly</span>—When Steve proposed to me he acted like a fish +out of water.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Tirpie</span>—Why shouldn't he? He knew he was caught.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—Why do they call it an arm of the sea?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—Because it hugs the shore, I guess.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The sunshine warm and budding trees,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Made Johnny feel quite gay.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He went to swim—the obsequies<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Are being held to-day.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What's the matter, John? You look kind o' weather-beaten this +morning."</p> + +<p>"That's exactly what I am. I bet five dollars it would rain +yesterday, and it didn't!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[122]</a></span>"Can you swim, little boy?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir."</p> + +<p>"Where did you learn?"</p> + +<p>"In the water, sir."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Millie</span>—"I wonder what the holes in a porous plaster are +for?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Willie</span>—"Why, they're for the pain to come out through, +of course!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"It's a good idea to make light of your troubles." "I do," +replied Happigo; "whenever a creditor sends me a letter I burn +it."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What have you got to say for yourself?" "Jes dis, suh; I wants a +liar to defend me." "You mean a lawyer?" "Yes, suh; I knowed I +most had it!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"So her second husband is a tenor?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; she says her first was a bass deceiver!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I cannot play second fiddle to any one."</p> + +<p>"Then be my beau!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[123]</a></span><span class="sc">Jimson</span>—Now, you wouldn't marry me, would you?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Miss Sears</span>—Most certainly not; but why do you ask such +a question?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Jimson</span>—Just to decide a bet.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Clara</span>—"He gave me an army-and-navy kiss."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Maud</span>—"What kind is that?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Clara</span>—"Oh, rapid fire—sixty a minute!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Young man, don't you know you ought to lay something by for a +rainy day?" "I do; my rubbers."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">The Only Remedy</span>—"Mamma, I dess you'll have to turn the +hose on me."</p> + +<p>"Why, dear?"</p> + +<p>"'Tause I'se dot my 'tocking on wrong side out."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—"I saw you out driving yesterday with a gentleman. +He appeared to have only one arm; is that all he has?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—"Oh, no; the other arm was around somewhere."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[124]</a></span>"Why are pugilists like chickens?"</p> + +<p>"Because they live on 'scraps!'"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">May</span>—I wonder what the men do at the club?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Pamela</span>—From what Jack says I guess they play with the +kitty most of the time.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Swatter</span>—I see you are mentioned in one of the books +just published.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Primly</span>—Indeed! What book?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Swatter</span>—The directory.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Do you go to church to hear the sermon or the music, Maude?" "I +go for the hims," said Maud.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Customer</span>—Why do you call this electric cake?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Baker's Boy</span>—I 'spose becuz it has currants in it.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"That tenor of yours has a marvelous voice. He can hold one of +his notes for half a minute."</p> + +<p>"Shucks! I've held one of his notes for two years."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[125]</a></span>Coleridge, who was a bad rider, was accosted when on horseback by +a wag, who asked him if he knew what happened to Balaam, "The +same thing that happened to me—An ass spoke to him."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Mother</span>—"What did your father say when he saw his broken +pipe?" Innocent—"Shall I leave out the swear words, mother?" +Mother—"Certainly, my dear." Innocent—"Then I don't think he +said anything."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy, were +you?" asked the garrulous person; "regular comic-opera bandits, +eh?"</p> + +<p>"No sir," said the traveler; "there was nothing of the +comic-opera style about them. The gags they used were all new."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>An excellent reason.—Casey—"Oi'll wurk no more fer thot mon +Dolan." Mrs. Casey—"An' phwy?" Casey—"Shure, t'is an account av +a remark thot he made t' me." Mrs. Casey—"Phwat did he say?" +Casey—"Sez he, 'Pat, ye're discharged.'"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[126]</a></span><span class="sc">Old Lady</span> (at a ball game)—"Why do they call that a +fowl? I don't see no feathers."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">O'Riley</span>—"No ma'am. It's a picked nine."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Men are deceivers as a rule,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And trust them far you never can;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Though at confectioner's sometimes<br /></span> +<span class="i2">You may unearth a candied man!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A lady was looking for her husband and inquired anxiously of a +housemaid, "Do you happen to know anything of your master's +whereabouts?"</p> + +<p>"I'm not sure, ma'am," replied the careful domestic, "but I think +they are in the wash."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Have you much room in your new flat?"</p> + +<p>"Room! Mercy me, I should think not. Why, our kitchen and +dining-room are so small that we have to use condensed milk."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[127]</a></span>"Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant." "While +driving through the park don't speak to your horses. They carry +tales." "All animals are not in cages. There are some dandelions +on the lawn."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">She heard the fog-horn blowing,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"And what is that?" quoth she,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The sailor merrily<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Replied: "it's just the dog-watch, ma'am,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Whose bark is on the sea."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"She thinks that her husband is very economical."</p> + +<p>"In what way?"</p> + +<p>"She says that although he is passionately fond of cloves, he +never eats but one at a time."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I saw your sister on the street to-day."</p> + +<p>"How was she looking?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know. I didn't see her face."</p> + +<p>"How did you know it was my sister?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I'm quick at figures."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span>"What is the secret of success?" asked the Sphinx.</p> + +<p>"Push," said the Button.</p> + +<p>"Never be led," said the Pencil.</p> + +<p>"Take pains," said the Window.</p> + +<p>"Always keep cool," said the Ice.</p> + +<p>"Be up to date," said the Calendar.</p> + +<p>"Never lose your head," said the Barrel.</p> + +<p>"Make light of everything," said the Fire.</p> + +<p>"Do a driving business," said the Hammer.</p> + +<p>"Aspire to greater things," said the Nutmeg.</p> + +<p>"Be sharp in all your dealings," said the Knife.</p> + +<p>"Find a good thing and stick to it," said the Glue.</p> + +<p>"Do the work you are suited for," said the Chimney.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He kissed her on the cheek;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It seemed a harmless frolic;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He's been laid up a week—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">They say, with painter's colic.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[129]</a></span>Charlemagne was in need of amusement.</p> + +<p>"Why," they asked him, "do you have such a large number of court +jesters in constant attendance on your royal person?"</p> + +<p>"Because," he replied, with a right regal chuckle, "I could not +earn the surname of 'The Great' were I not careful to keep my +wits about me."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A certain young man told his girl the other night that if she +didn't marry him he'd get a rope and hang himself right in front +of her home.</p> + +<p>"Oh, please don't do it, Harry," she said. "You know father +doesn't want you hanging around here."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Three women may a secret keep<br /></span> +<span class="i2">If, as it has been said,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">There's one of the lot has heard it not<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And the other two are dead.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Lovett—You don't believe in divorce, then?</p> + +<p>Hayter—No, sir; I've got too much sportin' blood.</p> + +<p>Lovett—What has that to do with it?</p> + +<p>Hayter—I believe in a fight to the finish.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[130]</a></span>Lawyer: "Have you conscientious scruples against serving as a +juror where the penalty is death?"</p> + +<p>Boston Talesman: "I have."</p> + +<p>Lawyer: "What, is your objection?"</p> + +<p>Boston Talesman: "I do not desire to die."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Cohen left the ball-game because he said the umpire looked right +at him when he called "three balls!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"A Maine dealer says he has sold more skates this season than he +has ever sold before in an entire season."</p> + +<p>"That proves what I have contended right along."</p> + +<p>"What's that?"</p> + +<p>"That prohibition does not prohibit."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Alas, for all their ecstasy,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">They knew not what was best:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The young man reached the front door,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The old man did the rest.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Paw, can an honest man play poker?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, Tommy; but he can't win anything."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[131]</a></span> +<span class="i0">If Pearl Street is crooked;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Is Union Square?<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Why so glum, Blumly? Anything gone wrong?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I've just lost two of my best friends."</p> + +<p>"By death or marriage?"</p> + +<p>"Neither. I loaned them money."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Little Mary, quite contrary,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">How does your appetite grow?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Lobsters and quail, champagne in a pail,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And a "friend" to supply all the dough!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—Then I am to understand that you have given me the +mitten, as it were?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—You have said it.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—And is this all?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—Of course it is. What more do you want—a pair of +socks?</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Hey, boy, where's your brother?"</p> + +<p>"In the barn, shoein' horses."</p> + +<p>"Where's your mother?"</p> + +<p>"In the back yard, shooin' chickens."</p> + +<p>"Where's your father?"</p> + +<p>"In the hammock, shooin' flies."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[132]</a></span>"Harold!" began his wife, in a furious temper, "my mind is made +up——"</p> + +<p>"Mercy!" interrupted her husband; "is that so? I had hoped that +your mind, at least, was your own!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Customer</span>: "You have a sign in your window, 'A suit of +clothes made while you wait.' Do you really do that?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Tailor</span>: "Yes, sir. You leave your order, with a deposit, +and then go home and wait till the garments are finished."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Mother, may I go out to wheel?"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"Yes, my darling daughter;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I suppose, of course, you won't wear skirts,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Although I think you oughter."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Lady</span>—What! You here again? I don't believe you have +done a thing all Summer.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Tramp</span>—You do me an injustice, mum. I jist finished +doin' thirty days.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[133]</a></span>"Betty, why do you sit up at this hour of the night darning your +stockings?" said mother, sharply; "don't you know it's 12 +o'clock?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes," laughed Betty, "but it's never too late to mend!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Now, why," remarked the little dog, in speaking to the tree,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Would you say that the heart of you is like the tail of me?"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The tree gave the conundrum up. The pup, with wisdom dark,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Explained the matter saying, "It is farthest from the bark."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Butcher</span>—I need a boy about your size, and will give you +$1 a week.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Applicant</span>—Will I have a chance to rise?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Butcher</span>—Yes; I want you to be here at four o'clock in +the morning.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A prominent man called to condone with a lady on the death of her +husband, and concluded by saying, "Did he leave you much?"</p> + +<p>"Nearly every night," was the reply.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[134]</a></span>Bill had a billboard. Bill also had a board bill. The board bill +bored Bill so that Bill sold the billboard to pay board bill. So, +after Bill sold his billboard to pay his board bill, the board +bill no longer bored Bill.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Tommy</span>—Pa, did you really mean it when you said you'd +spank anyone that broke that vase?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Pa</span>—Just come here, sir, and I'll show you.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Tommy</span>—Don't show me. Show Bridget; she just broke it.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Here <i>lies</i> poor Sam: and what is strange,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Grim death has worked in him a change——<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He <i>always lied</i> and always will,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He once lied loud and now lies <i>still</i>."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I'd like to see your mistress. Is she engaged?"</p> + +<p>"Lord, sir! she's married; been married for twenty years."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[135]</a></span><span class="sc">Brown</span>—I hear that they use all sorts of materials in +the manufacture of illuminating gas, nowadays.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Jones</span>—True. They even make light of the consumer's +complaints.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Me eyes is crossed," sighed Kate. "No, love,"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"Not crossed," cried Pat. "Be jaber,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Tis jist that aich is jealous of<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The beauty av its neighbor."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>The other day the head of a boarding-school noticed one of the +boys wiping his knife on the table-cloth, and pounced on him at +once.</p> + +<p>"Is that what you do at home?" he asked indignantly.</p> + +<p>"Oh, no," answered the boy quickly, "we have clean knives."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">John</span>—Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for +making money fast?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Tom</span>—Sure I do.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">John</span>—Glue it to the floor.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[136]</a></span>"Pa," said little Willie, who had been reading a treatise on +phrenology, "what is a bump of destructiveness?"</p> + +<p>"Why—er—a railroad collision, I suppose,"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He always kneeled before the maid<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And kissed her finger tips;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But he lost out. Another man<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Came by and kissed her lips.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I hope you are not +going into politics."</p> + +<p>"What made you think of that?"</p> + +<p>"I heard you talking in your sleep about 'standing pat.'"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">A man and his bride by the parson were tied,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And when the performance was done,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Alas!" exclaimed he, examining his fee,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"I add one to one and make one."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Mistress</span> (to cook who has fallen down stairs)—I hope +that you did not hurt yourself, Mary?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Mary</span>—Oh, no, ma'am; Oi overtook meself at the bottom.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[137]</a></span> +<span class="i0">We're all often forced to rob Peter<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In order to settle with Paul,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But some of us merely rob Peter<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And Paul never sees us at all.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">She</span>—"I think this a lovely hat you bought me, George, +but really it's a sin to pay $50.00 for it."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">He</span>—"Well, the sin is on your own head, not mine."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Knock, and the world knocks with you;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Boost, and you boost alone!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When you roast good and loud<br /></span> +<span class="i0">You will find that the crowd<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Has a hammer as big as your own!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"How did you cure your boy of swearing?"</p> + +<p>"By the laying on of hands, principally."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Ma, what is a Panama man called?"</p> + +<p>"A Panaman, Johnny."</p> + +<p>"Then what is a Panama woman?"</p> + +<p>"If she's married and obeys President Roosevelt she's just a +plain Panama."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[138]</a></span> +<span class="i0">He who courts and goes away,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">May court again another day;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But he who weds and courts girls still<br /></span> +<span class="i2">May go to court against his will.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A notice at a small depot near Manchester reads:</p> + +<p>"Passengers are requested to cross over the railway by the +subway."</p> + +<p>This reminds us of the oft-quoted notice put up at the ford of an +Irish river:</p> + +<p>"When this board is under water the river is unpassable."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Mary had a little lamb,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But she thought it was immense:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With new green peas and other things<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It cost her ninety cents.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Little Willie</span>—Papa, why does the railway company have +those cases with the ax and saw in every car?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Father</span>—I presume they are put in to use in case anyone +wants to open a window.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[139]</a></span> +<span class="i0">The kerosene can on the mantel reposes,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Its contents were sprinkled all over the fire,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And all that poor Kathleen O'Donohue knows is,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">This dull world has changed for a sphere that is higher.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"He seems to have gone to the bad completely."</p> + +<p>"Yes; I believe he found himself between the devil and the deep +sea, and he realized that he couldn't swim."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">As he walked with baby<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He had to confess<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That marriage with him<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Was a howling success.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">The Spinster</span>—How many lodges did you say your husband +belonged to?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">The Wife</span>—Fifteen.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">The Spinster</span>—My goodness! just think of a man being out +fifteen nights a week! Well, I'm glad that I'm an old maid.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[140]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Seven little missionaries—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Horrible their fate—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Cannibals picked clean their bones<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Then they were ate.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Judge</span>—You are charged with profanity.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Prisoner</span>—I am not.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Judge</span>—You are, sir. What do you mean?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Prisoner</span>—I was, but I got rid of it.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I hate a liar," Wiggins cried,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Jiggins, "Then 'twould seem<br /></span> +<span class="i0">You really ought to try and hide<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Your lack of self-esteem."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Kind lady," remarked the weary wayfarer, "can you oblige me with +something to eat?"</p> + +<p>"Go to the woodshed and take a few chops," replied the kind lady.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Lady (after the tramp finishes eating)—It's merely a +suggestion—the woodpile is in the back yard.</p> + +<p>Tramp—You don't say! What a splendid place for a woodpile!</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[141]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Said she, "How beautiful is nature!"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said the young man, "Yes, quite true;"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then, added, as he viewed her complexion,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"And art is quite beautiful, too."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"How to make your trousers last,"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Make your coat and waistcoat first."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The stork is a bird with a great big bill;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He brings us the babies whenever he will;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then comes the doctor, and when he is through,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">You find that he has a big bill, too.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Dearest," whispered Cordelia, after she had captured the coveted +solitaire, "I have a confession to make. I am a cooking school +graduate."</p> + +<p>Clarence shuddered.</p> + +<p>"Oh, well," he rejoined, after the manner of one resigned to his +fate, "we can board."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">If t-o-u-g-h spells tough,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And d-o-u-g-h spells dough,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Does s-n-o-u-g-h spell snuff?<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Or, simply snow?<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[142]</a></span><span class="sc">The Wife</span> (savagely)—Don't let me catch you flirting.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">The Husband</span> (meekly)—No, dear, never again. That's the +way you did catch me, you know!</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He called her an angel before they were wed,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But that, alas! didn't endure.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For ere many months had passed over his head,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He wished that she was one for sure.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Elderly Man (greeting former acquaintance)—"I remember your face +perfectly, miss, but your name has escaped me."</p> + +<p>The Young Woman—"I don't wonder. It escaped me three years ago. +I am married now."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"These verses make no sense," said she;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"I can't tell what they mean."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Good! they'll make dollars then," cried he,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"In any magazine."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[143]</a></span><span class="sc">The Barber</span>—Did I ever shave you before?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">The Victim</span>—Yes, once.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">The Barber</span>—I don't remember your face.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">The Victim</span>—No; I suppose not. It's all healed up now.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">They say the baby looks like me,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A circumstance I dreaded,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But the only likeness I can see<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Is that we're both bald-headed.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Do you think the things one eats have a direct effect on one's +disposition?"</p> + +<p>"Well, rather. We had Indian meal pudding so often at our house +that everybody got savage."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I once saw a man at a meeting of a mothers' club."</p> + +<p>"That's nothing; I once saw a teetotaler on a fishing trip."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[144]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Bluff a little, bluff a little<br /></span> +<span class="i2">As you go your way;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Bluffing may not always help you—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Many times it may.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Bluff a little, bluff a little;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Men may rail at you—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But you'll see by watching closely<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That they're bluffing, too.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>The butcher is a fair minded fellow. He is always willing to meet +his customers half weigh.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">A queen was she—the beautiful maid—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Beauty or wealth she did not lack—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But the game was euchre that Cupid played,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And the Queen was won by a Jack.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"So you paid $1,000 for a cook stove! Don't you think that was a +good deal?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, but they threw in a cook with it: she was warranted to stay +two years!"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Where are you going, my pretty maid?"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"I'm going to cut the corn," she said.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Can I go with you, my pretty maid?"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"You're no chiropodist," she said.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[145]</a></span><span class="sc">Medium</span>—Do you believe in spirits?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Busyman</span> (off guard)—When taken in moderation, yes.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"You never bought a gold brick, did you?" asked the admiring +friend.</p> + +<p>"Not exactly," answered Mr. Cumrox. "But I once came mighty near +having a French count for a son-in-law."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The fate of Lot's wife<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Was all her own fault;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She first turned to "rubber,"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And then turned to salt.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>I was in the depot restaurant of one of the great railroads, and +was asked why am I standing while drinking my coffee. All the +rest of us sit down.</p> + +<p>I replied, solemnly, that "I was always told to stand for the +weak."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He used to send her roses;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He sent them every hour,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But now they're married and he sends<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Her home a cauliflower.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[146]</a></span><span class="sc">John</span>—I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie +that I had was a peach.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Tom</span>—That's nothing, I went into a saloon and had no +money, so I let the beer settle.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Her face was happy,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">His face was stern;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Her hand was in his'n,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">His'n was in her'n.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Jack</span>—"My wife's a fine shot. She can hit a dollar every +time."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Fred</span>—"That's nothing, my wife goes through my trousers +and never misses a dime."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A man wanted a ticket to New York, and only had a $2 bill. It +required $3 to get the ticket. He took the $2 bill to a pawnshop, +pawned it for $1.50. On his way back to the depot he met a +friend, to whom he sold the pawn ticket for $1.50. That gave him +$3. Now, who's out that dollar?</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Is a howling dog a sign of death?"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Doolittle to Dunn.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Of course it is, if the dog will wait<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Until I get my gun."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[147]</a></span>"No, indeed," she said, "I can never be your wife. Why, I had +half a dozen offers before yours."</p> + +<p>"Huh!" rejoined the young man in the case. "That's nothing. I +proposed to at least a dozen girls before I met you."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">There was a young woman named Hannah,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Who put on a great many airs,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She stepped on a peel of banana,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And now she's laid up for repairs.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"What sort of labor is best paid in this country?" asked the +English tourist.</p> + +<p>"Field labor," answered the native American.</p> + +<p>"Is that a fact?" queried the Englishman, who was inclined to be +a bit skeptical.</p> + +<p>"Sure," replied the other. "You ought to see the salaries our +baseball players get."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">This life's a game of chance, they say:<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The saw's more sad than witty,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The public gathers 'round to play,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The trust controls the "kitty."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[148]</a></span><span class="sc">George</span>—I can't understand why my girl shook me.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Harold</span>—What was that you wrote to her the last time?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">George</span>—All that I said was, "My Dear Susie: The dog I +promised you has just died. Hoping these few lines will find you +the same. Yours, George."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Now comes the question which will make<br /></span> +<span class="i2">This life a bitter cup....<br /></span> +<span class="i0">How many hoopskirts will it take<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To fill a trolley car up?<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks," remarked a Portland +commercial traveller, "the best I ever saw was in a town near +Bangor. Just before I retired I heard a scampering under the bed +and looked under, expecting to see a burglar. Instead I saw a +couple of large rats just escaping into their hole. I dressed and +went down to the office and put in a big kick. The clerk was as +serene as a summer's breeze.</p> + +<p>"'I'll fix that, all right, sir,' he said. 'Front! Take a cat to +23 at once.'"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[149]</a></span>A recent school examination in England elicited the following +definitions:</p> + +<p>"Noah's wife," wrote one boy, "was called Joan of Arc." "Water," +wrote another, "is composed of two gases, oxygen and cambrigen." +"Lava," replied a third youth, "is what the barber puts on your +face." "A blizzard," insisted another child, "is the inside of a +fowl."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Why don't you demand $50,000 instead of $5,000?" said the +lawyer.</p> + +<p>"Oh, because," explained the lady of the breach of promise suit. +"Then he might change his mind and want to marry me."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I'll admit," said Mrs. Hylo, "there are some things I don't +know"——</p> + +<p>"That's no lie," interrupted her husband.</p> + +<p>"But," continued the alleged better half of the combination, +"that man doesn't live who can tell me what they are."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[150]</a></span>"Friend of mine to-day," said Mr. Kidder, "was talking of coming +here to board."</p> + +<p>"I hope," remarked Mrs. Starvem, "you were pleased to recommend +our table and"——</p> + +<p>"Sure! Told him it was just the thing for him. He's a pugilist +and wants to increase his reach."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>An English motorist is quoted as saying that he classed +pedestrians as the quick and the dead: those who got out of the +way and those who didn't.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Yes, dear," said the petted young wife, examining her Christmas +gift, "these diamond earrings are pretty, but the stones are +awfully small."</p> + +<p>"Of course, my dear," replied the diplomat husband, "but if they +were any larger they'd be all out of proportion to the size of +your ears."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[151]</a></span>Two Irish farmers who had not seen each other for a long time met +at a fair. They had a lot of things to tell each other. "Shure, +it's married I am," said Murphy. "You don't tell me so," said +Moran. "Faix, yes," said Murphy, "an' I've got a fine healthy +bhoy which the neighbors say is the very picture of me." Moran +looked for a moment at Murphy, who was not, to say the least, +remarkable for his good looks, and then said, "Och, well, what's +the harum so long as the child's healthy?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>A bashful young couple, who were evidently very much in love, +entered a crowded street car in Boston the other day. "Do you +suppose we can squeeze in here?" he asked, looking doubtfully at +her blushing face.</p> + +<p>"Don't you think, dear, we had better wait until we get home?" +was the low, embarrassed, reply.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[152]</a></span>"When the old man is shaking down the furnace, carrying out the +ashes, feeding the cat and six kittens, and making the beds," +remarked the observer of events and things, "of course he is too +busy to hear his daughter in the parlor, singing: 'Everybody +Works but Father.'"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I assured her I could support her in the style she was +accustomed to."</p> + +<p>"Well?"</p> + +<p>"She said she was looking for something better than that."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Do you believe in transmigration of souls?"</p> + +<p>"Well," answered the man who never admits that he doesn't know +everything, "I wouldn't recommend it as a regular practice."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"After all, you know," said Mr. Oldbeau, "a man is only as old as +he feels"——</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Miss Pepprey, "but some old men make the mistake of +thinking they are as young as they think they feel."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[153]</a></span>At a West End hotel one of the party asked:</p> + +<p>"Have you got any celery, waiter?"</p> + +<p>"No, sir," was the significant answer; "I relies on me tips."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class="sc">Yeast</span>—Did you ever try to dye eggs?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Crimsonbeak</span>—No, I never did; but I've tried 'em after +they were dead.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">A dude from St. Louis named Crute<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Had a habit of saying, "Oh, shoot!"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He said it one day<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To a man in Ouray,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And that was the finish of Crute.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"How is your house heated?"</p> + +<p>"By hot air."</p> + +<p>"Hot air?"</p> + +<p>"Yes—the landlord's."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[154]</a></span>"I want to get a head of cabbage," said the man who had been sent +to market.</p> + +<p>"Large or small head?" asked the grocer.</p> + +<p>"Oh, about 7 1-4," said the man, absent-mindedly.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"I'll pass the butter," said he, while trying to pass the +browsing goat.</p> + +<p>"I'll butt the passer," said the goat, as he helped him over the +fence.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Yes, he's got a flying-machine ready for a trial now and he's +trying hard not to be proud?"</p> + +<p>"Why shouldn't he be proud?"</p> + +<p>"Well, pride goes before a fall, you know."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"He has none of the finer sensibilities, nothing to distinguish +him from the common herd."</p> + +<p>"No?"</p> + +<p>"No, sir. I've heard him confess, out of his own mouth, that all +autos smell alike to him."—<i>Puck.</i></p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[155]</a></span>"Why did you insist on only $99,000 a year as your salary?"</p> + +<p>"Because," answered the high financier, "as soon as people hear a +hundred thousand mentioned they get suspicious. It is better to +keep the figure marked down a little."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Tom—I kissed her when she wasn't looking.</p> + +<p>Clara—What did she do?</p> + +<p>Tom—Kept her eyes closed the rest of the evening.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Jenks—Why on earth did you laugh so heartily at that ancient +jest of Borem's?</p> + +<p>Wise—In self-defense.</p> + +<p>Jenks—in self-defence?</p> + +<p>Wise—Yes; if I hadn't laughed so he would have repeated the +thing, thinking I hadn't seen the point.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>There is as much strength in an egg as in a pound of meat.</p> + +<p>Gotabug—I should say so. I've smelt eggs that had more strength +than a hundred pounds of beef.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"><span class='pn'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[156]</a></span> +<span class="i0">A sporty young fellow named Phipps<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Last night went to view the eclipse.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The moon looked so queer.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He set up a cheer,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The truth was he'd been taking nips.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"For mercy sake, don't put me near old Billions!" said Mrs. +Lookyoung to her friend.</p> + +<p>"Why not?" said the other. "He's awfully interesting."</p> + +<p>"I know it," said Mrs. Lookyoung, "but I never sit next to him at +dinner but that he blurts out something like, 'You remember back +in the old pioneer days!'"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Mary had a little waist<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Where waists were meant to grow,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And everywhere the fashions went<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Her waist was sure to go.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"This is an interesting clock, Miss," said the salesman, "you +really should have one, especially if you're bothered with +tiresome callers."</p> + +<p>"It's merely a cuckoo clock, isn't it?" asked Miss May Pechis.</p> + +<p>"Yes, but beginning at 10 P.M., instead of saying 'cuck-koo' +every quarter hour it yells: 'Go home! Go home!'"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[157]</a></span>Mike—Yus, poor Sullivan is dead. He hadn't got an enemy in the +world.</p> + +<p>Pat—What did he die of?</p> + +<p>Mike—Oh; he wur killed in a foight.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"You shouldn't drink your whiskey without water."</p> + +<p>"Why not?"</p> + +<p>"You'll ruin the coat of your stomach."</p> + +<p>"Oh, well-it's an old coat, anyhow."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Why do they make those Oriental pipes with bowls as big as water +pitchers?" asked the inquisitive girl.</p> + +<p>"Those," answered the wise woman, "are for men who have promised +that they will confine their smoking to one pipe after each +meal."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>The detective at the boarding house table having satisfied +himself that nobody had observed him, folded up his magnifying +glass and put it back in his pocket.</p> + +<p>"Yes," he said to himself, "they've got the same girl they had +when I was here two years ago. I recognize her thumb print in the +butter."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[158]</a></span>"Pa, what branches did you take when you went to school?"</p> + +<p>"I never went to high school, son, but when I attended the little +log school-house they used mostly hickory and beech and willow."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Did you ever consider the case of the boy who stood on the +burning deck?"</p> + +<p>"Not particularly. Why?"</p> + +<p>"Well, the game was poker and the hand had been dealt from the +burning deck was a corker; so, as he didn't want to lose any +chances, he—but you see?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know as I do."</p> + +<p>"Why, he stood pat."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>The Governess—What happened when the man killed the goose that +laid the golden egg, Margie?</p> + +<p>Little Margie—Why, I guess his goose was cooked.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Our new Congressman has made himself very popular."</p> + +<p>"What has he done?"</p> + +<p>"Introduced a bill declaring it a penal offence for a man to ask +for a haircut or shampoo on Saturday afternoon."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[159]</a></span>"In my business," said the stock broker, "It is impossible to +succeed without pluck."</p> + +<p>"Huh!" snorted the man who had been up against it, "you mean +'plucking,' don't you?"</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Servant—The plumber says this check should be $5 more.</p> + +<p>Castleton—But it's the amount asked for.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir. But you've kept him waitin' for nearly an +hour."—<i>Life.</i></p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>Tom—What's that? A two-dollar bill! You told me this morning +that you were broke.</p> + +<p>Jack—Well, I want you to understand that Japan isn't the only +one that can borrow money.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p>"Yes, indeed, he's the homeliest man in public life to-day. +Haven't you ever seen him?"</p> + +<p>"No, but I've seen caricatures of him."</p> + +<p>"Oh, they flatter him. You should see him."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> + +<p class="cen"><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[160]</a></span>SPECIAL RULES FOR GUESTS.</p> +<br /> + +<div class="block"><p class="hang">1—Guests are requested not to speak to the dumb waiter.</p> +<br /> + +<p class="hang">2—Guests wishing to get up without being called can have +self-raising flour for supper.</p> +<br /> + +<p class="hang">3—The hotel is supported by a beautiful cemetery; hearses to +hire, 25c. a day.</p> +<br /> + +<p class="hang">4—Guests wishing to do a little driving will find a hammer and +nails in the closet.</p> +<br /> + +<p class="hang">5—If the room gets too warm, open the window and see the fire +escape.</p> +<br /> + +<p class="hang">6—If you're fond of athletics and like good jumping, lift the +mattress and see the bed spring.</p> +<br /> + +<p class="hang">7—If your lamp goes out, take a feather out of the pillow; that's +light enough for any room.</p> +<br /> + +<p class="hang">8—Any one troubled with nightmare will find a halter on the +bed-post.</p> +<br /> + +<p class="hang">9—Don't worry about paying your bill; the house is supported by +the foundation.</p> +<br /> +<br /> + +<p class="right"><span class="sc">J. Wise</span>, Prop.</p> +</div> + +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> + +<div class="tr"> +<p class="cen"><a name="TN" id="TN"></a>Typographical errors corrected in text:</p> +<br /> +Page 26: 'that is was' replaced with 'that it was'<br /> +Page 28: 'She would he a' replaced with 'She would be a'<br /> +Page 35: somethng replaced with something<br /> +Page 39: pugulist replaced with pugilist<br /> +Page 112: accounttant replaced with accountant<br /> +Page 129: Hater replaced with Hayter<br /> +</div> + +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE NEW PUN BOOK***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 22495-h.txt or 22495-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/4/9/22495">http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/4/9/22495</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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