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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Mr. Dooley in Peace and in War, by Finley
+Peter Dunne
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Mr. Dooley in Peace and in War
+
+
+Author: Finley Peter Dunne
+
+
+
+Release Date: September 7, 2007  [eBook #22537]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE AND IN WAR***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Suzanne Shell, Graeme Mackreth, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Mr. DOOLEY
+
+IN PEACE AND IN WAR
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Boston
+Small, Maynard & Company
+1899
+
+Copyright, 1898, by the Chicago Journal
+Copyright, 1898, by Small, Maynard & Company
+
+First Edition (10,000 copies) November, 1898
+Second Edition (10,000 copies) December, 1898
+Third Edition (10,000 copies) January, 1899
+
+Press of George H. Ellis, Boston, U.S.A.
+
+
+
+
+TO W.H. TURNER
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE.
+
+
+Archey Road stretches back for many miles from the heart of an ugly city
+to the cabbage gardens that gave the maker of the seal his opportunity
+to call the city "urbs in horto." Somewhere between the two--that is to
+say, forninst th' gas-house and beyant Healey's slough and not far from
+the polis station--lives Martin Dooley, doctor of philosophy.
+
+There was a time when Archey Road was purely Irish. But the Huns, turned
+back from the Adriatic and the stock-yards and overrunning Archey Road,
+have nearly exhausted the original population,--not driven them out as
+they drove out less vigorous races, with thick clubs and short spears,
+but edged them out with the more biting weapons of modern
+civilization,--overworked and under-eaten them into more languid
+surroundings remote from the tanks of the gas-house and the blast
+furnaces of the rolling-mill.
+
+But Mr. Dooley remains, and enough remain with him to save the Archey
+Road. In this community you can hear all the various accents of Ireland,
+from the awkward brogue of the "far-downer" to the mild and aisy
+Elizabethan English of the southern Irishman, and all the exquisite
+variations to be heard between Armagh and Bantry Bay, with the
+difference that would naturally arise from substituting cinders and
+sulphuretted hydrogen for soft misty air and peat smoke. Here also you
+can see the wakes and christenings, the marriages and funerals, and the
+other fêtes of the ol' counthry somewhat modified and darkened by
+American usage. The Banshee has been heard many times in Archey Road. On
+the eve of All Saints' Day it is well known that here alone the pookies
+play thricks in cabbage gardens. In 1893 it was reported that Malachi
+Dempsey was called "by the other people," and disappeared west of the
+tracks, and never came back.
+
+A simple people! "Simple, says ye!" remarked Mr. Dooley. "Simple like
+th' air or th' deep sea. Not complicated like a watch that stops whin
+th' shoot iv clothes ye got it with wears out. Whin Father Butler
+wr-rote a book he niver finished, he said simplicity was not wearin' all
+ye had on ye'er shirt-front, like a tin-horn gambler with his di'mon'
+stud. An' 'tis so."
+
+The barbarians around them are moderately but firmly governed,
+encouraged to passionate votings for the ruling race, but restrained
+from the immoral pursuit of office.
+
+The most generous, thoughtful, honest, and chaste people in the world
+are these friends of Mr. Dooley,--knowing and innocent; moral, but
+giving no heed at all to patented political moralities.
+
+Among them lives and prospers the traveller, archæologist, historian,
+social observer, saloon-keeper, economist, and philosopher, who has not
+been out of the ward for twenty-five years "but twict." He reads the
+newspapers with solemn care, heartily hates them, and accepts all they
+print for the sake of drowning Hennessy's rising protests against his
+logic. From the cool heights of life in the Archey Road, uninterrupted
+by the jarring noises of crickets and cows, he observes the passing
+show, and meditates thereon. His impressions are transferred to the
+desensitized plate of Mr. Hennessy's mind, where they can do no harm.
+
+"There's no betther place to see what's goin' on thin the Ar-rchey
+Road," says Mr. Dooley. "Whin th' ilicthric cars is hummin' down th'
+sthreet an' th' blast goin' sthrong at th' mills, th' noise is that
+gr-reat ye can't think."
+
+He is opulent in good advice, as becomes a man of his station; for he
+has mastered most of the obstacles in a business career, and by leading
+a prudent and temperate life has established himself so well that he
+owns his own house and furniture, and is only slightly behind on his
+license. It would be indelicate to give statistics as to his age. Mr.
+Hennessy says he was a "grown man whin th' pikes was out in forty-eight,
+an' I was hedge-high, an' I'm near fifty-five." Mr. Dooley says Mr.
+Hennessy is eighty. He closes discussion on his own age with the remark,
+"I'm old enough to know betther." He has served his country with
+distinction. His conduct of the important office of captain of his
+precinct (1873-75) was highly commended, and there was some talk of
+nominating him for alderman. At the expiration of his term he was
+personally thanked by the Hon. M. McGee, at one time a member of the
+central committee. But the activity of public life was unsuited to a man
+of Mr. Dooley's tastes; and, while he continues to view the political
+situation always with interest and sometimes with alarm, he has
+resolutely declined to leave the bar for the forum. His early
+experience gave him wisdom in discussing public affairs. "Politics," he
+says, "ain't bean bag. 'Tis a man's game; an' women, childher, an'
+pro-hybitionists'd do well to keep out iv it." Again he remarks, "As
+Shakespeare says, 'Ol' men f'r th' council, young men f'r th' ward.'"
+
+An attempt has been made in this book to give permanent form to a few of
+the more characteristic and important of Mr. Dooley's utterances. For
+permission to reprint the articles the thanks of the editor are due to
+Mr. George G. Booth, of the Chicago _Journal_, and to Mr. Dooley's
+constant friend, Mr. H.H. Kohlsaat, of the Chicago _Evening Post_.
+
+F. P. D.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+
+MR. DOOLEY IN WAR                                                 PAGE
+
+ON DIPLOMACY                                                        1
+
+ON WAR PREPARATIONS                                                 6
+
+ON FITZ-HUGH LEE                                                   10
+
+ON MULES AND OTHERS                                                14
+
+ON HIS COUSIN GEORGE                                               20
+
+ON SOME ARMY APPOINTMENTS                                          25
+
+ON STRATEGY                                                        30
+
+ON GENERAL MILES'S MOONLIGHT EXCURSION                             34
+
+ON ADMIRAL DEWEY'S ACTIVITY                                        39
+
+ON THE PHILIPPINES                                                 43
+
+ON PRAYERS FOR VICTORY                                             48
+
+ON THE ANGLO-SAXON                                                 53
+
+ON A LETTER FROM THE FRONT                                         58
+
+ON OUR CUBAN ALLIES                                                63
+
+ON THE DESTRUCTION OF CERVERA'S FLEET                              68
+
+ON A LETTER TO MR. DEPEW                                           73
+
+ON THE PRESIDENT'S CAT                                             77
+
+ON A SPEECH BY PRESIDENT McKINLEY                                  81
+
+ON THE HERO IN POLITICS                                            87
+
+
+MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE
+
+ON NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS                                          95
+
+ON GOLD-SEEKING                                                   100
+
+ON BOOKS                                                          105
+
+ON REFORM CANDIDATES                                              111
+
+ON PATERNAL DUTY                                                  118
+
+ON CRIMINALS                                                      124
+
+ON A PLOT                                                         130
+
+ON THE NEW WOMAN                                                  136
+
+ON EXPERT TESTIMONY                                               141
+
+ON THE POPULARITY OF FIREMEN                                      146
+
+ON THE GAME OF FOOTBALL                                           152
+
+ON THE NECESSITY OF MODESTY AMONG THE RICH                        158
+
+ON THE POWER OF LOVE                                              165
+
+ON THE VICTORIAN ERA                                              170
+
+ON THE CURRENCY QUESTION                                          175
+
+ON POLITICAL PARADES                                              181
+
+ON CHARITY                                                        187
+
+ON NANSEN                                                         192
+
+ON A POPULIST CONVENTION                                          197
+
+ON A FAMILY REUNION                                               202
+
+ON A FAMOUS WEDDING                                               208
+
+ON A QUARREL BETWEEN ENGLAND AND GERMANY                          213
+
+ON ORATORY IN POLITICS                                            218
+
+ON CHRISTMAS GIFTS                                                223
+
+ON ANARCHISTS                                                     229
+
+ON THE DREYFUS CASE                                               234
+
+ON THE DECADENCE OF GREECE                                        239
+
+ON THE INDIAN WAR                                                 245
+
+ON GOLF                                                           249
+
+ON THE FRENCH CHARACTER                                           255
+
+
+
+
+MR. DOOLEY IN WAR
+
+
+
+
+ON DIPLOMACY.
+
+
+"I'll explain it to ye," said Mr. Dooley. "'Tis this way. Ye see, this
+here Sagasta is a boonco steerer like Canada Bill, an' th' likes iv him.
+A smart man is this Sagasta, an' wan that can put a crimp in th' ca-ards
+that ye cudden't take out with a washerwoman's wringer. He's been
+through manny a ha-ard game. Talk about th' County Dimocracy picnic,
+where a three-ca-ard man goes in debt ivry time he hurls th' broads,
+'tis nawthin' to what this here Spanish onion has been again an' beat.
+F'r years an' years he's played on'y profissionals. Th' la-ads he's
+tackled have more marked ca-ards in their pockets thin a preacher fr'm
+Mitchigan an' more bad money thin ye cud shake out iv th' coat-tail
+pockets iv a prosp'rous banker fr'm Injianny. He's been up again
+Gladstun an' Bisma-arck an' ol' what-ye-call-'im, th' Eyetalian,--his
+name's got away from me,--an' he's done thim all.
+
+"Well, business is bad. No wan will play with him. No money's comin'
+in. Th' circus has moved on to th' nex' town, an' left him without a
+customer. Th' Jew man that loaned him th' bank-roll threatens to seize
+th' ca-ards on' th' table. Whin, lo an' behold, down th' sthreet comes a
+ma-an fr'm th' counthry,--a lawyer fr'm Ohio, with a gripsack in his
+hand. Oh, but he's a proud man. He's been in town long enough f'r to get
+out iv th' way iv th' throlley ca-ar whin th' bell rings. He's larned
+not to thry an' light his see-gar at th' ilicthric light. He doesn't
+offer to pay th' ilivator ma-an f'r carryin' him upstairs. He's got so
+he can pass a tall buildin' without thryin' f'r to turn a back
+summersault. An' he's as haughty about it as a new man on an ice-wagon.
+They'se nawthin' ye can tell him. He thinks iv himsilf goin' back to
+Canton with a r-red necktie on, an' settin' on a cracker box an' tellin'
+th' lads whin they come in fr'm pitchin' hor-rseshoes what a hot time
+he's had, an' how he's seen th' hootchy-kootchy an' th' Pammer House
+barber shop, an' th' other ondacint sights iv a gr-reat city.
+
+"An' so he comes up to where Sagasta is kind iv throwin' th' ca-ards
+idly on th' top iv th' bar'l, an' Sagasta pipes him out iv th' corner iv
+his eye, an' says to himsilf: 'Oh, I dinnaw,' an' thanks hiven f'r th'
+law that has a sucker bor-rn ivry minyit. An' th' la-ad fr'm Canton
+thinks he can pick out th' Jack, an' sometimes he can an' sometimes he
+can't; but th' end iv it is th' Spanyard has him thrimmed down to his
+chest protector, an' he'll be goin' back to Canton in a blanket. Ye see
+it ain't his game. If it was pitchin' hor-rseshoes, 'twud be diff'rent.
+He cud bate Sagasta at that. He cud do him at rasslin' or chasin' th'
+greased pig, or in a wan-legged race or th' tug-iv-war. He cud make him
+look foolish at liftin' a kag iv beer or hitchin' up a team. But, whin
+it comes to di-plo-macy, th' Spanyard has him again th' rail, an' counts
+on him till his ar-rm is sore."
+
+"Why don't he tur-rn in an' fight?" demanded the patriotic Mr.
+Hennessy.
+
+"Lord knows," said Mr. Dooley. "Mebbe 'twill tur-rn out th' way it did
+with two frinds iv mine. They was Joe Larkin an' a little r-red-headed
+man be th' name iv O'Brien, an' they wint out to th' picanic at Ogden's
+grove, where wanst a year Ireland's freed. They was a shell ma-an
+wurrukin' near th' fence, an' Larkin says, says he: 'He's aisy. Lave me
+have some money, an' we'll do him. I can see th' pea go undher th' shell
+ivry time.' So O'Brien bein' a hot spoort loaned him th' money, an' he
+wint at it. Ivry time Larkin cud see th' pea go undher th' shell as
+plain as day. Wanst or twict th' shell man was so careless that he left
+th' pea undher th' edge iv th' shell. But in five minyits all iv
+O'Brien's money was in th' bad ma-an's pockits, an' he was lookin'
+around f'r more foolish pathrites. It took O'Brien some time f'r to
+decide what to do. Thin says he, ''Twas my money this fool blowed in.'
+An' he made a dash f'r th' shell ma'an; an' he not on'y got what he'd
+lost, but all th' r-rest iv th' capital besides. Ye see, that was his
+game. That was where he come in. An' he took th' money an' carrid it
+over to a cor-rner iv th' gr-rounds where a la-ad had wan iv thim
+matcheens where ye pay tin cints f'r th' privilege iv seein' how har-rd
+ye can hit with a sledge-hammer, an' there he stayed till th' polis come
+ar-round to dhrive people off th' gr-rounds."
+
+
+
+
+ON WAR PREPARATIONS
+
+
+"Well," Mr. Hennessy asked, "how goes th' war?"
+
+"Splendid, thank ye," said Mr. Dooley. "Fine, fine. It makes me hear-rt
+throb with pride that I'm a citizen iv th' Sixth Wa-ard."
+
+"Has th' ar-rmy started f'r Cuba yet?"
+
+"Wan ar-rmy, says ye? Twinty! Las' Choosdah an advance ar-rmy iv wan
+hundherd an' twinty thousand men landed fr'm th' Gussie, with tin
+thousand cannons hurlin' projick-tyles weighin' eight hundherd pounds
+sivinteen miles. Winsdah night a second ar-rmy iv injineers, miners,
+plumbers, an' lawn tinnis experts, numberin' in all four hundherd an'
+eighty thousand men, ar-rmed with death-dealin' canned goods, was
+hurried to Havana to storm th' city.
+
+"Thursdah mornin' three thousand full rigimints iv r-rough r-riders swum
+their hor-rses acrost to Matoonzas, an' afther a spirited battle
+captured th' Rainy Christiny golf links, two up an' hell to play, an'
+will hold thim again all comers. Th' same afthernoon th' reg'lar
+cavalry, con-sistin' iv four hundherd an' eight thousan' well-mounted
+men, was loaded aboord th' tug Lucy J., and departed on their earned iv
+death amidst th' cheers iv eight millyon sojers left behind at
+Chickamaha. These cav'lry'll co-operate with Commodore Schlow; an' whin
+he desthroys th' Spanish fleet, as he does ivry Sundah an' holy day
+except in Lent, an' finds out where they ar-re an' desthroys thim,
+afther batterin' down th' forts where they ar-re con-cealed so that he
+can't see thim, but thinks they ar-re on their way f'r to fight Cousin
+George Dooley, th' cav'lry will make a dash back to Tampa, where Gin'ral
+Miles is preparin' to desthroy th' Spanish at wan blow,--an' he's th'
+boy to blow.
+
+"The gin'ral arrived th' other day, fully prepared f'r th' bloody wurruk
+iv war. He had his intire fam'ly with him. He r-rode recklessly into
+camp, mounted on a superb specyal ca-ar. As himsilf an' Uncle Mike
+Miles, an' Cousin Hennery Miles, an' Master Miles, aged eight years,
+dismounted fr'm th' specyal train, they were received with wild cheers
+be eight millyon iv th' bravest sojers that iver give up their lives f'r
+their counthry. Th' press cinchorship is so pow'rful that no news is
+allowed to go out; but I have it fr'm th' specyal corryspondint iv
+Mesilf, Clancy th' Butcher, Mike Casey, an' th' City Direchtry that
+Gin'ral Miles instantly repaired himsilf to th' hotel, where he made his
+plans f'r cr-rushin' th' Spanyards at wan blow. He will equip th' ar-rmy
+with blow-guns at wanst. His uniforms ar-re comin' down in specyal steel
+protected bullyon trains fr'm th' mint, where they've been kept f'r a
+year. He has ordhered out th' gold resarve f'r to equip his staff,
+numberin' eight thousan' men, manny iv whom ar-re clubmen; an', as soon
+as he can have his pitchers took, he will cr-rush th' Spanish with wan
+blow. Th' purpose iv th' gin'ral is to permit no delay. Decisive action
+is demanded be th' people. An', whin th' hot air masheens has been sint
+to th' front, Gin'ral Miles will strike wan blow that'll be th' damdest
+blow since th' year iv th' big wind in Ireland.
+
+"Iv coorse, they'se dissinsions in th' cabinet; but they don't amount to
+nawthin'. Th' Sicrety iv War is in favor iv sawin' th' Spanish ar-rmy
+into two-be-four joists. Th' Sicrety iv th' Three-asury has a scheme f'r
+roonin' thim be lindin' thim money. Th' Sicrety iv th' Navy wants to sue
+thim befure th' Mattsachusetts Supreme Coort. I've heerd that th'
+Prisident is arrangin' a knee dhrill, with th' idee iv prayin' th'
+villyans to th' divvil. But these diff'rences don't count. We're all wan
+people, an' we look to Gin'ral Miles to desthroy th' Spanish with wan
+blow. Whin it comes, trees will be lifted out be th' roots. Morro
+Castle'll cave in, an' th' air'll be full iv Spanish whiskers. A long
+blow, a sthrong blow, an' a blow all together."
+
+"We're a gr-reat people," said Mr. Hennessy, earnestly.
+
+"We ar-re," said Mr. Dooley. "We ar-re that. An' th' best iv it is, we
+know we ar-re."
+
+
+
+
+ON FITZ-HUGH LEE.
+
+
+"Iv coorse, he's Irish," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' Fitz-Hughs an' th'
+McHughs an' th' McKeoughs is not far apart. I have a cousin be th' name
+iv McKeough, an' like as not th' gin'ral is a relation iv mine."
+
+"If I was you, I'd write him an' see," said Mr. Hennessy. "He's a
+gr-reat ma-an."
+
+"He is so," said Mr. Dooley. "He is that. Wan iv th' gr-reatest. An' why
+shudden't he be with thim two names? They'se pothry in both iv thim.
+Fitz-Hugh Lee! Did ye iver see a pitcher iv him? A fat ma-an, with a
+head like a football an' a neck big enough to pump blood into his brain
+an' keep it fr'm starvin'. White-haired an' r-red-faced. Th' kind iv
+ma-an that can get mad in ivry vein in his body. Whin he's hot, I bet ye
+his face looks like a fire in a furniture facthry. Whin a ma-an goes
+pale with r-rage, look out f'r a knife in th' back. But, whin he flames
+up so that th' perspi-ration sizzles on his brow, look out f'r hand an'
+feet an' head an' coupling pins an' rapid-firin' guns. Fitz can be ca'm
+whin they'se annything to be ca'm about, but he can't wait. If he was a
+waiter, he'd be wurrukin' at th' thrade. Look at th' jaw iv him! It's
+like a paving block.
+
+"Does Fitz believe in di-plomacy? Not him. He sets there in his office
+in Havana, smokin' a good see-gar, an' a boy comes in an' tells him
+they've jugged an American citizen. He jams his hat down on his eyes,
+an' r-rushes over to where Gin'ral Blanco has his office. 'Look here,'
+says he, 'ye pizenous riptile,' he says, 'if ye don't lave me
+counthryman out iv th' bull-pen in fifteen minyits be th' watch,' he
+says, 'I'll take ye be th' hair iv th' head an' pull ye fr'm th' corner
+iv Halsted Sthreet to th' r-red bridge,' he says. 'Lave us debate this,'
+says Blanco. 'I'll debate nawthin', says Fitz. 'Hurry up, or I'll give
+ye a slap,' he says. 'R-run over an' wake up th' loot at th' station,
+an' let thim Americans out, or,' he says, 'we'll go to the flure,' he
+says.
+
+"That's Fitz. He's ca'm, an' he waits part iv th' time. That's whin he's
+asleep. But, as soon as his eyes opins, his face begins to flare up like
+wan iv thim r-round stoves in a woodman's shanty whin rosiny wood is
+thrun in. An' fr'm that time on till he's r-ready to tur-rn in an' sleep
+peaceful an' quite,--not like a lamb full iv vigetable food, but like a
+line that's wur-rked ha-ard an' et meat,--he niver stops rampin' an'
+ragin'. Ye don't hear iv Fitz lookin' worn with th' sthruggle. Ye don't
+r-read iv him missin' anny meals. No one fears that Fitz will break down
+undher th' suspinse. That ain't in th' breed. He's another kind iv a
+man. He hasn't got th' time to be tired an' worrid. He needs food, an'
+he has it; an' he needs sleep, an' he takes it; an' he needs fightin',
+an' he gets it. That's Fitz. They ain't such a lot iv diff'rence between
+th' bravest man in the wurruld an' th' cow'rdliest. Not such a lot. It
+ain't a question iv morality, Hinnissy. I've knowed men that wint to
+church ivry Sundah an' holyday reg'lar, an' give to th' poor an' loved
+their neighbors, an' they wudden't defind their wives against a
+murdherer. An' I've knowed th' worst villyuns on earth that'd die in
+their thracks to save a stranger's child fr'm injury. 'Tis a question iv
+how th' blood is pumped. Whin a man shows th' sthrain, whin he gets thin
+an' pale an' worrid in th' time f'r fightin', he's mighty near a cow'rd.
+But, whin his face flames an' his neck swells an' his eyes look like a
+couple iv ilicthric lamps again a cyclone sky, he'd lead a forlorn hope
+acrost th' battlemints iv hell."
+
+
+
+
+ON MULES AND OTHERS
+
+
+"I see," said Mr. Dooley, "th' first gr-reat land battle iv th' war has
+been fought."
+
+"Where was that?" demanded Mr. Hennessy, in great excitement. "Lord save
+us, but where was that?"
+
+"Th' Alger gyards," said Mr. Dooley, "bruk fr'm th' corral where they
+had thim tied up, atin' thistles, an' med a desp'rate charge on th' camp
+at Tampa. They dayscinded like a whur-rl-wind, dhrivin' th' astonished
+throops before thim, an' thin charged back again, completin' their
+earned iv desthruction. At th' las' account th' brave sojers was
+climbin' threes an' tillygraft poles, an' a rig'mint iv mules was
+kickin' th' pink silk linin' out iv th' officers' quarthers. Th' gallant
+mules was led be a most courageous jackass, an' 'tis undhersthud that me
+frind Mack will appint him a brigadier-gin-ral jus' as soon as he can
+find out who his father is. 'Tis too bad he'll have no childher to
+perpituate th' fame iv him. He wint through th' camp at th' head iv his
+throops iv mules without castin' a shoe. He's th' biggest jackass in
+Tampa to-day, not exciptin' th' cinsor; an' I doubt if they'se a bigger
+wan in Wash'n'ton, though I cud name a few that cud thry a race with
+him. Annyhow, they'll know how to reward him. They know a jackass whin
+they see wan, an' they see a good manny in that peaceful city.
+
+"Th' charge iv Tampa'll go into histhry as th' first land action iv th'
+war. An', be th' way, Hinnissy, if this here sociable is f'r to go on at
+th' prisint rate, I'm sthrong to ar-rm th' wild ar-rmy mules an' the
+unbridled jackasses iv th' pe-rary an' give thim a chanst to set Cuba
+free. Up to this time th' on'y hero kilt on th' Spanish side was a
+jackass that poked an ear above th' batthries at Matoonzas f'r to hear
+what was goin' on. 'Behold,' says Sampson, 'th' insolince iv th' foe,'
+he says. 'For-rm in line iv battle, an' hur-rl death an' desthruction at
+yon Castilyan gin'ral.' 'Wait,' says an officer. 'It may be wan iv our
+own men. It looks like th' Sicrety iv'--'Hush!' says th' commander. 'It
+can't be an American jackass, or he'd speak,' he says. 'Fire on him.'
+Shot afther shot fell round th' inthrepid ass; but he remained firm till
+th' dinnymite boat Vesoovyus fired three hundherd an' forty thousand
+pounds iv gum cotton at him, an' the poor crather was smothered to
+death. Now, says I, give these Tampa mules a chanst, an' we'll have no
+need iv wastin' ammun-ni-tion. Properly led, they'd go fr'm wan end iv
+Cuba to th' other, kickin' th' excelsior out iv ivry stuffed Spanish
+gin'ral fr'm Bahoohoo Hoondoo to Sandago de Cuba. They'd be no loss iv
+life. Th' sojers who haven't gone away cud come home an' get cured iv
+th' measles an' th' whoopin'-cough an' th' cholera infantum befure th'
+public schools opens in th' fall, an' ivrything wud be peaceful an'
+quiet an' prosp'rous. Th' officers in th' field at prisint is well
+qualified f'r command iv th' new ar-rmy; an', if they'd put blinders on
+th' mules, they wudden't be scared back be wan iv thim Spanish fleets
+that a jackass sees whin he's been up all night, secretly stuffing
+himsilf with silo. They'd give wan hew-haw, an' follow their leaders
+through th' hear-rt iv th' inimy's counthry. But give thim th' wurrud to
+git ap, an' they'd ate their thistles undher th' guns iv some ol' Morro
+Castle befure night.
+
+"Ye don't see th' diff'rence, says ye. They ain't anny i' th' leaders.
+As efficient a lot iv mules as iver exposed their ears. Th' throuble is
+with th' rank an' file. They're men. What's needed to carry on this war
+as it goes to-day is an ar-rmy iv jacks an' mules. Whin ye say to a man,
+'Git ap, whoa, gee, back up, get alang!' he don't know what ye'er
+dhrivin' at or to. But a mule hears th' ordhers with a melancholy smile,
+dhroops his ears, an' follows his war-rm, moist breath. Th' ordhers fr'm
+Washin'ton is perfectly comprehinsible to a jackass, but they don't mane
+annything to a poor, foolish man. No human bein', Hinnissy, can
+undherstand what the divvie use it was to sink a ship that cost two
+hundherd thousan' dollars an' was worth at laste eighty dollars in
+Sandago Harbor, if we have to keep fourteen ships outside to prevint
+five Spanish ships fr'm sailin'. Th' poor, tired human mind don't
+tumble, Hinnissy, to th' raison f'r landin' four hundherd marines at
+Guanotommy to clear th' forests, whin Havana is livin' free on hot
+tamales an' ice-cream. Th' mind iv a Demostheens or a Tim Hogan would be
+crippled thryin' to figure out why throops ar-re sint out fr'm Tampa an'
+thin ordhered back through a speakin' chube, while wan iv th' new
+briga-deer-gin'rals has his hands manicured an' says good-by to his
+nurse. But it ought to be as plain to th' mule that hears it as it is to
+th' jackasses that gets it up. What we need, Hinnissy, is a perfect
+undherstandin' between th' ar-rmy an' th' administhration. We need what
+Hogan calls th' esphrite th' corpse, an' we'll on'y have it whin th'
+mules begins to move."
+
+"I shud think," said Mr. Hennessy, "now that th' jackasses has begun to
+be onaisy"--
+
+"We ought to be afraid th' cabinet an' th' Boord iv Sthrateejy 'll be
+stampeded?" Mr. Dooley interrupted. "Niver fear. They're too near th'
+fodder."
+
+
+
+
+ON HIS COUSIN GEORGE.
+
+
+"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, in tones of chastened joy: "Dewey didn't do a
+thing to thim. I hope th' poor la-ad ain't cooped up there in
+Minneapolis."
+
+"Niver fear," said Mr. Dooley, calmly. "Cousin George is all r-right."
+
+"Cousin George?" Mr. Hennessy exclaimed.
+
+"Sure," said Mr. Dooley. "Dewey or Dooley, 'tis all th' same. We dhrop a
+letter here an' there, except th' haitches,--we niver dhrop thim,--but
+we're th' same breed iv fightin' men. Georgy has th' thraits iv th'
+fam'ly. Me uncle Mike, that was a handy man, was tol' wanst he'd be sint
+to hell f'r his manny sins, an' he desarved it; f'r, lavin' out th' wan
+sin iv runnin' away fr'm annywan, he was booked f'r ivrything from
+murdher to missin' mass. 'Well,' he says, 'anny place I can get into,'
+he says, 'I can get out iv,' he says. 'Ye bet on that,' he says.
+
+"So it is with Cousin George. He knew th' way in, an' it's th' same way
+out. He didn't go in be th' fam'ly inthrance, sneakin' along with th'
+can undher his coat. He left Ding Dong, or whativer 'tis ye call it, an'
+says he, 'Thank Gawd,' he says, 'I'm where no man can give me his idees
+iv how to r-run a quiltin' party, an' call it war,' he says. An' so he
+sint a man down in a divin' shute, an' cut th' cables, so's Mack
+cudden't chat with him. Thin he prances up to th' Spanish forts, an'
+hands thim a few oranges. Tosses thim out like a man throwin' handbills
+f'r a circus. 'Take that,' he says, 'an' raymimber th' Maine,' he says.
+An' he goes into th' harbor, where Admiral What-th'-'ell is, an', says
+he, 'Surrinder,' he says. 'Niver,' says th' Dago. 'Well,' says Cousin
+George, 'I'll just have to push ye ar-round,' he says. An' he tosses a
+few slugs at th' Spanyards. Th' Spanish admiral shoots at him with a bow
+an' arrow, an' goes over an' writes a cable. 'This mornin' we was
+attackted,' he says. 'An' he says, 'we fought the inimy with great
+courage,' he says. 'Our victhry is complete,' he says. 'We have lost
+ivrything we had,' he says. 'Th' threachrous foe,' he says, 'afther
+destroyin' us, sought refuge behind a mud-scow,' he says; 'but nawthin'
+daunted us. What boats we cudden't r-run ashore we surrindered,' he
+says. 'I cannot write no more,' he says, 'as me coat-tails are afire,'
+he says; 'an' I am bravely but rapidly leapin' fr'm wan vessel to
+another, followed be me valiant crew with a fire-engine,' he says. 'If I
+can save me coat-tails,' he says, 'they'll be no kick comin', he says.
+'Long live Spain, long live mesilf.'
+
+"Well, sir, in twinty-eight minyits be th' clock Dewey he had all th'
+Spanish boats sunk, an' that there harbor lookin' like a Spanish stew.
+Thin he r-run down th' bay, an' handed a few war-rm wans into th' town.
+He set it on fire, an' thin wint ashore to war-rm his poor hands an'
+feet. It chills th' blood not to have annything to do f'r an hour or
+more."
+
+"Thin why don't he write something?" Mr. Hennessy demanded.
+
+"Write?" echoed Mr. Dooley. "Write? Why shud he write? D'ye think Cousin
+George ain't got nawthin' to do but to set down with a fountain pen, an'
+write: 'Dear Mack,--At 8 o'clock I begun a peaceful blockade iv this
+town. Ye can see th' pieces ivrywhere. I hope ye're injyin' th' same
+gr-reat blessin'. So no more at prisint. Fr'm ye'ers thruly, George
+Dooley.' He ain't that kind. 'Tis a nice day, an' he's there smokin' a
+good tin-cint see-gar, an' throwin' dice f'r th' dhrinks. He don't care
+whether we know what he's done or not. I'll bet ye, whin we come to find
+out about him, we'll hear he's ilicted himself king iv th' F'lip-ine
+Islands. Dooley th' Wanst. He'll be settin' up there undher a pa'm-three
+with naygurs fannin' him an' a dhrop iv licker in th' hollow iv his
+ar-rm, an' hootchy-kootchy girls dancin' befure him, an' ivry tin or
+twinty minyits some wan bringin' a prisoner in. 'Who's this?' says King
+Dooley. 'A Spanish gin'ral,' says th' copper. 'Give him a typewriter
+an' set him to wurruk,' says th' king. 'On with th' dance,' he says. An'
+afther awhile, whin he gits tired iv th' game, he'll write home an' say
+he's got the islands; an' he'll tur-rn thim over to th' gover'mint an'
+go back to his ship, an' Mark Hanna'll organize th' F'lip-ine Islands
+Jute an' Cider Comp'ny, an' th' rivolutchinists'll wish they hadn't.
+That's what'll happen. Mark me wurrud."
+
+
+
+
+ON SOME ARMY APPOINTMENTS.
+
+
+"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I didn't vote f'r Mack, but I'm with him
+now. I had me doubts whether he was th' gr-reatest military janius iv
+th' cinchry, but they'se no question about it. We go into this war, if
+we iver do go into it, with th' most fash'n-able ar-rmy that iver
+creased its pants. 'Twill be a daily hint fr'm Paris to th' crool foe.
+
+"Other gin'rals iv th' r-rough-house kind, like Napoleon Bonypart, th'
+impror iv th' Frinch, Gin'ral Ulis S. Grant, an' Cousin George Dooley,
+hired coarse, rude men that wudden't know th' diff'rence between goluf
+an' crokay, an' had their pants tucked in their boots an' chewed tobacco
+be th' pound. Thank Hivin, McKinley knows betther thin to sind th' likes
+iv thim abroad to shock our frinds be dumpin' their coffee into
+thimsilves fr'm a saucer.
+
+"Th' dure bell rings, an' a futman in liv'ry says: 'I'm Master Willie
+Dooselbery's man, an' he's come to be examined f'r th' army,' says he.
+'Admit him,' says McKinley; an' Master Willie enters, accompanied be his
+val-lay, his mah an' pah an' th' comity iv th' goluf club. 'Willie,'
+says th' Prisident, 'ye ar-re enthrin' upon a gloryous car-eer, an' 'tis
+nic'ssry that ye shud be thurly examined, so that ye can teach th'
+glories iv civilization to th' tyr-ranies iv Europe that is supported be
+ye'er pah an' mah,' he says. ''Twud be a tur-r'ble thing,' he says, 'if
+some day they shud meet a Spanish gin'ral in Mahdrid, an' have him say
+to thim, "I seen ye'er son Willie durin' th' war wearin' a stovepipe hat
+an' tan shoes." Let us begin th' examination,' he says. 'Ar-re ye a good
+goluf player?' 'I am,' says Willie. 'Thin I appint ye a liftnant. What
+we need in th' ar-rmy is good goluf players,' he says. 'In our former
+war,' he says, 'we had th' misfortune to have men in command that didn't
+know th' diff'rence between a goluf stick an' a beecycle; an' what was
+th' raysult? We foozled our approach at Bull R-run,' he says. 'Ar-re ye
+a mimber iv anny clubs?' he says. 'Four,' says Willie. 'Thin I make ye a
+major,' he says. 'Where d'ye get ye'er pants?' he says. 'Fr'm England,'
+says Willie. 'Gloryous,' says McKinley. 'I make ye a colonel,' he says.
+'Let me thry ye in tactics,' he says. 'Suppose ye was confronted be a
+Spanish ar-rmy in th' afthernoon, how wud ye dhress?' he says. 'I'd wear
+a stovepipe hat, a long coat, a white vest, an' lavender pants,' says
+Willie. 'An' if th' attack was be night?' he says. 'I'd put on me dhress
+shoot, an' go out to meet thim,' says Willie. 'A thuro sojer,' says
+McKinley. 'Suppose th' sociable lasted all night?' he says. 'I'd sound
+th' rethreat at daybreak, an' have me brave boys change back,' he says,
+'to suitable appar'l,' he says. 'Masterly,' says McKinley. 'I will sind
+ye'er name in as a brigadier-gin'ral,' he says. 'Thank Gawd, th'
+r-rich,' he says, 'is brave an' pathriotic,' he says. 'Ye will jine th'
+other boys fr'm th' club at Tampa,' he says. 'Ye shud be careful iv
+ye'er equipment,' he says. 'I have almost ivrything r-ready,' says
+Willie. 'Me man attinded to thim details,' he says. 'But I fear I can't
+go to th' fr-ront immejetly,' he says. 'Me pink silk pijammas hasn't
+arrived,' he says. 'Well,' says Mack,' 'wait f'r thim,' he says. 'I'm
+anxious f'r to ind this hor'ble war,' he says, 'which has cost me manny
+a sleepy night,' he says; 'but 'twud be a crime f'r to sind a sojer
+onprepared to battle,' he says. 'Wait f'r th' pijammas,' he says. 'Thin
+on to war,' he says; 'an' let ye'er watchword be, "Raymimber ye'er
+manners,"' he says.
+
+"'They'se a man out here,' says th' privit sicrity, 'that wants to see
+ye,' he says. 'He's a r-rough-lookin' charackter that was in th' Soo
+war,' he says. 'His name is Gin'ral Fiteum,' he says. 'Throw th' stiff
+out,' says Mack. 'I seen him in Pinnsylvania Avnoo yisterdah, r-ridin'
+in a sthreet ca-ar,' he says. 'Ah, Willie, me boy,' he says, ''tis
+little ye know what throuble I have fr'm these vulgar sojers with pants
+that bags at th' knees. Give me a goold-tipped cigareet, an' tell me
+whether shirt waists is much worn in New York this year.'
+
+"Yis, Hinnissy, we'll put th' tastiest ar-rmy in th' field that iver
+come out iv a millinery shop. 'Right dhress!' will be an ordher that'll
+mean somethin'. Th' ar-rmy'll be followed be specyal correspondints fr'm
+Butthrick's Pattherns an' Harper's Bazar; an', if our brave boys don't
+gore an' pleat th' inimy, 'twill be because th' inimy'll be r-rude
+enough to shoot in anny kind iv clothes they find on th' chair whin they
+wake up."
+
+
+
+
+ON STRATEGY.
+
+
+"A sthrateejan," said Mr. Dooley, in response to Mr. Hennessy's request
+for information, "is a champeen checker-player. Whin th' war broke out,
+me frind Mack wint to me frind Hanna, an' says he, 'What,' he says,
+'what can we do to cr-rush th' haughty power iv Spain,' he says, 'a'n
+br-ring this hateful war to a early conclusion?" he says. 'Mobilize th'
+checker-players,' says Hanna. An' fr'm all cor-rners iv th' counthry
+they've gone to Washin'ton, where they're called th' Sthrateejy Board.
+
+"Day an' night they set in a room with a checker-board on th' end iv a
+flour bar'l, an' study problems iv th' navy. At night Mack dhrops in.
+'Well, boys,' says he, 'how goes th' battle?' he says. 'Gloryous,' says
+th' Sthrateejy Board. 'Two more moves, an' we'll be in th' king row.'
+'Ah,' says Mack, 'this is too good to be thrue,' he says. 'In but a few
+brief minyits th' dhrinks'll be on Spain,' he says. 'Have ye anny plans
+f'r Sampson's fleet?' he says. 'Where is it?' says th' Sthrateejy
+Board. 'I dinnaw,' says Mack. 'Good,' says th' Sthrateejy Board.
+'Where's th' Spanish fleet?' says they. 'Bombardin' Boston, at Cadiz, in
+San June de Matzoon, sighted near th' gas-house be our special
+correspondint, copyright, 1898, be Mike O'Toole.' 'A sthrong position,'
+says th' Sthrateejy Board. 'Undoubtedly, th' fleet is headed south to
+attack and seize Armour's glue facthory. Ordher Sampson to sail north as
+fast as he can, an' lay in a supply iv ice. Th' summer's comin' on.
+Insthruct Schley to put on all steam, an' thin put it off again, an'
+call us up be telephone. R-rush eighty-three millyon throops an' four
+mules to Tampa, to Mobile, to Chickenmaha, to Coney Island, to Ireland,
+to th' divvle, an' r-rush thim back again. Don't r-rush thim. Ordher
+Sampson to pick up th' cable at Lincoln Par-rk, an' run into th' bar-rn.
+Is th' balloon corpse r-ready? It is? Thin don't sind it up. Sind it up.
+Have th' Mulligan Gyards co-op'rate with Gomez, an' tell him to cut
+away his whiskers. They've got tangled in th' riggin'. We need
+yellow-fever throops. Have ye anny yellow fever in th' house? Give it to
+twinty thousand three hundherd men, an' sind thim afther Gov'nor Tanner.
+Teddy Rosenfelt's r-rough r-riders ar-re downstairs, havin' their
+uniforms pressed. Ordher thim to th' goluf links at wanst. They must be
+no indecision. Where's Richard Harding Davis? On th' bridge iv the New
+York? Tur-rn th' bridge. Seize Gin'ral Miles' uniform. We must
+strengthen th' gold resarve. Where's th' Gussie? Runnin' off to Cuba
+with wan hundherd men an' ar-rms, iv coorse. Oh, war is a dhreadful
+thing. It's ye'er move, Claude,' says th' Sthrateejy Board.
+
+"An' so it goes on; an' day by day we r-read th' tur-rble story iv our
+brave sthrateejans sacrificin' their time on th' altar iv their
+counthry, as Hogan says. Little we thought, whin we wint into this war,
+iv th' horrors it wud bring. Little we thought iv th' mothers at home
+weepin' f'r their brave boys down at Washin'ton hur-rtin their poor
+eyes over a checker-board. Little we thought iv these devoted men, as
+Hogan says, with achin' heads, plannin' to sind three hundherd thousand
+millyon men an' a carload iv beans to their fate at Tampa, Fla. But some
+wan must be sacrificed, as Hogan says. An' these poor fellows in
+Washin'ton with their r-red eyes an' their tired backs will be an
+example to future ginerations, as Hogan says, iv how an American sojer
+can face his jooty whin he has to, an' how he can't whin he hasn't to."
+
+"Dewey ain't a sthrateejan?" inquired Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"No," said Mr. Dooley. "Cousin George is a good man, an' I'm very fond
+iv him,--more be raison iv his doin' that May-o bosthoon Pat Mountjoy,
+but he has low tastes. We niver cud make a sthrateejan iv him. They'se a
+kind iv a vulgar fightin' sthrain in him that makes him want to go out
+an' slug some wan wanst a month. I'm glad he ain't in Washin'ton. Th'
+chances ar-re he'd go to th' Sthrateejy Board and pull its hair."
+
+
+
+
+ON GENERAL MILES'S MOONLIGHT EXCURSION.
+
+
+"Dear, oh, dear," said Mr. Dooley, "I'd give five dollars--an' I'd kill
+a man f'r three--if I was out iv this Sixth Wa-ard to-night, an' down
+with Gin'ral Miles' gran' picnic an' moonlight excursion in Porther
+Ricky. 'Tis no comfort in bein' a cow'rd whin ye think iv thim br-rave
+la-ads facin' death be suffication in bokays an' dyin' iv waltzin' with
+th' pretty girls iv Porther Ricky.
+
+"I dinnaw whether Gin'ral Miles picked out th' job or whether 'twas
+picked out f'r him. But, annyhow, whin he got to Sandago de Cubia an'
+looked ar-round him, he says to his frind Gin'ral Shafter, 'Gin'ral,'
+says he, 'ye have done well so far,' he says. ''Tis not f'r me to take
+th' lorls fr'm th' steamin' brow iv a thrue hero,' he says. 'I lave ye
+here,' he says, 'f'r to complete th' victhry ye have so nobly begun,' he
+says. 'F'r you,' he says, 'th' wallop in th' eye fr'm th' newspaper
+rayporther, th' r-round robbing, an' th' sunsthroke,' he says, 'f'r me
+th' hardship iv th' battlefield, th' late dinner, th' theayter party,
+an' th' sickenin' polky,' he says. 'Gather,' he says, 'th' fruits iv
+ye'er bravery,' he says. 'Return,' he says, 'to ye'er native land, an'
+receive anny gratichood th' Sicrety iv War can spare fr'm his own
+fam'ly,' he says. 'F'r me,' he says, 'there is no way but f'r to tur-rn
+me back upon this festive scene,' he says, 'an' go where jooty calls
+me,' he says. 'Ordherly,' he says, 'put a bottle on th' ice, an' see
+that me goold pants that I wear with th' pale blue vest with th' di'mon
+buttons is irned out,' he says. An' with a haggard face he walked aboord
+th' excursion steamer, an' wint away.
+
+"I'd hate to tell ye iv th'thriles iv th' expedition, Hinnissy. Whin th'
+picnic got as far as Punch, on th' southern coast iv Porther Ricky,
+Gin'ral Miles gazes out, an' says he, 'This looks like a good place to
+hang th' hammicks, an' have lunch,' says he. 'Forward, brave men,' says
+he, 'where ye see me di'mon's sparkle,' says he. 'Forward, an' plant th'
+crokay ar-rches iv our beloved counthry,' he says. An' in they wint,
+like inthrepid warryors that they ar-re. On th' beach they was met be a
+diligation fr'm th' town of Punch, con-sistin' iv th' mayor, th' common
+council, th' polis an' fire departments, th' Gr-rand Ar-rmy iv th'
+Raypublic, an' prominent citizens in carredges. Gin'ral Miles, makin' a
+hasty tielet, advanced onflinchingly to meet thim. 'Gintlemen,' says he,
+'what can I do f'r ye?' he says. 'We come,' says th' chairman iv th'
+comity, 'f'r to offer ye,' he says, 'th' r-run iv th' town,' he says.
+'We have held out,' he says, 'as long as we cud,' he says. 'But,' he
+says, 'they'se a limit to human endurance,' he says. 'We can withstand
+ye no longer,' he says. 'We surrinder. Take us prisoners, an' rayceive
+us into ye'er gloryous an' well-fed raypublic,' he says. 'Br-rave men,'
+says Gin'ral Miles, 'I congratulate ye,' he says, 'on th' heeroism iv
+yer definse,' he says. 'Ye stuck manfully to yer colors, whativer they
+ar-re,' he says. 'I on'y wondher that ye waited f'r me to come befure
+surrindhrin,' he says. 'I welcome ye into th' Union,' he says. 'I don't
+know how th' Union'll feel about it, but that's no business iv mine,' he
+says. 'Ye will get ye'er wur-rkin-cards fr'm th' walkin' diligate,' he
+says; 'an' ye'll be entitled,' he says, 'to pay ye'er share iv th' taxes
+an' to live awhile an' die whin ye get r-ready,' he says, 'jus' th' same
+as if ye was bor-rn at home,' he says. 'I don't know th' names iv ye;
+but I'll call ye all Casey, f'r short,' he says. 'Put ye'er bokays in
+th' hammick,' he says, 'an' return to Punch,' he says; 'an' freeze
+somethin' f'r me,' he says, 'f'r me thrawt is parched with th' labors iv
+th' day,' he says. Th' r-rest iv th' avenin' was spint in dancin,'
+music, an' boat-r-ridin'; an' an inj'yable time was had.
+
+"Th' nex' day th' army moved on Punch; an' Gin'ral Miles marched into
+th' ill-fated city, preceded be flower-girls sthrewin' r-roses an'
+geranyums befure him. In th' afthernoon they was a lawn tinnis party,
+an' at night the gin'ral attinded a banket at th' Gran' Palace Hotel.
+At midnight he was serenaded be th' Raymimber th' Maine Banjo an'
+Mandolin Club. Th' entire popylace attinded, with pork chops in their
+buttonholes to show their pathreetism. Th' nex' day, afther breakfastin'
+with Mayor Casey, he set out on his weary march over th' r-rough,
+flower-strewn paths f'r San Joon. He has been in gr-reat purl fr'm a
+witherin' fire iv bokays, an' he has met an' overpowered some iv th'
+mos' savage orators in Porther Ricky; but, whin I las' heerd iv him, he
+had pitched his tents an' ice-cream freezers near the inimy's wall, an'
+was grajully silencin' thim with proclamations."
+
+"They'll kill him with kindness if he don't look out," said Mr.
+Hennessy.
+
+"I dinnaw about that," said Mr. Dooley; "but I know this, that there's
+th' makin' iv gr-reat statesmen in Porther Ricky. A proud people that
+can switch as quick as thim la-ads have nawthin' to larn in th' way iv
+what Hogan calls th' signs iv gover'mint, even fr'm th' Supreme Court."
+
+
+
+
+ON ADMIRAL DEWEY'S ACTIVITY.
+
+
+"If they don't catch up with him pretty soon," said Mr. Dooley, "he'll
+fight his way ar-round th' wurruld, an' come out through Barsaloona or
+Cades."
+
+"Who's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Me Cousin George, no less," said Mr. Dooley. "I suppose ye think th'
+war is over an' peace has rayturned jus' because Tiddy Rosenfelt is back
+home again an' th' sojers ar-re hungry in New York 'stead iv in Sandago.
+That's where ye'er wrong, Hinnissy. That's where ye'er wrong, me bucko.
+Th' war is not over till Cousin George stops fightin'. Th' Spanyards
+have had enough, but among thrue fightin' men it don't make anny
+diff'rence what th' feelin's iv th' la-ad undherneath may be. 'Tis whin
+th' man on top has had his fill iv fightin' that th' throuble's over,
+an' be the look iv things Cousin George has jus' begun to take tay.
+
+"Whin me frind Mack con-cluded 'twas time f'r us to stop fightin' an'
+begin skinning each other in what Hogan calls th' marts iv thrade, ye
+thought that ended it. So did Mack. He says, says he, 'Let us have
+peace,' he says. An' Mark Hanna came out iv' th' cellar, where he's been
+since Cousin George presinted his compliments to th' Ph'lippines an' wud
+they prefer to be kilt or dhrownded, an' pro-posals was made to bond th'
+Cubian pathrites, an' all th' deuces in th' deck begun to look like face
+car-rds again, whin suddently there comes a message fr'm Cousin George.
+'In pursooance iv ordhers that niver come,' he says, 'to-day th'
+squadhron undher my command knocked th' divvle out iv th' fortifications
+iv th' Ph'lippines, bombarded the city, an' locked up th' insurgent
+gin'ral. The gov'nor got away be swimmin' aboord a Dutch ship, an' th'
+Dutchman took him to Ding Dong. I'll attind to th' Dutchman some
+afthernoon whin I have nawthin'else to do. I'm settin' in the palace
+with me feet on th' pianny. Write soon. I won't get it. So no more at
+prisint, fr'm ye'er ol' frind an' well-wisher, George Dooley.'
+
+"How ar-re they goin' to stop him? How ar-re they goin' to stop him?
+There's Mack on th' shore bawlin' ordhers. 'Come back,' he says. 'Come
+back, I command ye,' he says. 'George, come back,' he says. 'Th' war is
+over,' he says. 'We're at peace with th' wurruld,' he says. 'George,' he
+says, 'George, be a good fellow,' he says. 'Lave up on thim,' he says.
+'Hivins an' earth, he's batin' that poor Spanyard with a pavin' block.
+George, George, ye break me hear-rt,' he says.
+
+"But George Dooley, he gives th' wink to his frinds, an' says he,
+'What's that man yellin' on th' shore about?' he says. 'Louder,' he
+says. 'I can't hear ye,' he says. 'Sing it,' he says. 'Write it to me on
+a postal ca-ard at Mahdrid,' he says. 'Don't stop me now,' he says.
+'This is me, busy day,' he says; an' away he goes with a piece iv lead
+pipe in wan hand an' a couplin' pin in th' other.
+
+"What'll we do with him? We can't catch up with him. He's goin' too
+fast. Mack's a week behind him ivry time he stops annywhere. He has
+sthrung a throlley acrost th' islands, an' he's climbin' mountains with
+his fleet. Th' on'y thing I see, Hinnissy, that Mack can do is to go
+east an' meet him comin' r-round. If he hurries, he'll sthrike him
+somewhere in Rooshia or Boohlgahria, an' say to him: 'George, th' war's
+over. Won't ye come home with me?' I think he'll listen to reason."
+
+"I think a man ought to stop fightin' whin th' war is ended," said Mr.
+Hennessy.
+
+"I dinnaw about that," said Mr. Dooley. "He started without askin' our
+lave, an' I don't see what we've got to do with th' way he finishes.
+'Tis a tur-rble thing to be a man iv high sperrits, an' not to know whin
+th' other fellow's licked."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE PHILIPPINES.
+
+
+"I know what I'd do if I was Mack," said Mr. Hennessy. "I'd hist a flag
+over th' Ph'lippeens, an' I'd take in th' whole lot iv thim."
+
+"An' yet," said Mr. Dooley, "tis not more thin two months since ye
+larned whether they were islands or canned goods. Ye'er back yard is so
+small that ye'er cow can't turn r-round without buttin' th' woodshed off
+th' premises, an' ye wudden't go out to th' stock yards without takin'
+out a policy on yer life. Suppose ye was standin' at th' corner iv State
+Sthreet an' Archey R-road, wud ye know what car to take to get to th'
+Ph'lippeens? If yer son Packy was to ask ye where th' Ph'lippeens is,
+cud ye give him anny good idea whether they was in Rooshia or jus' west
+iv th' thracks?"
+
+"Mebbe I cudden't," said Mr. Hennessy, haughtily, "but I'm f'r takin'
+thim in, annyhow."
+
+"So might I be," said Mr. Dooley, "if I cud on'y get me mind on it. Wan
+iv the worst things about this here war is th' way it's makin' puzzles
+f'r our poor, tired heads. Whin I wint into it, I thought all I'd have
+to do was to set up here behind th' bar with a good tin-cint see-gar in
+me teeth, an' toss dinnymite bombs into th' hated city iv Havana. But
+look at me now. Th' war is still goin' on; an' ivry night, whin I'm
+countin' up the cash, I'm askin' mesilf will I annex Cubia or lave it to
+the Cubians? Will I take Porther Ricky or put it by? An' what shud I do
+with the Ph'lippeens? Oh, what shud I do with thim? I can't annex thim
+because I don't know where they ar-re. I can't let go iv thim because
+some wan else'll take thim if I do. They are eight thousan' iv thim
+islands, with a popylation iv wan hundherd millyon naked savages; an' me
+bedroom's crowded now with me an' th' bed. How can I take thim in, an'
+how on earth am I goin' to cover th' nakedness iv thim savages with me
+wan shoot iv clothes? An' yet 'twud break me heart to think iv givin'
+people I niver see or heerd tell iv back to other people I don't know.
+An', if I don't take thim, Schwartzmeister down th' sthreet, that has
+half me thrade already, will grab thim sure.
+
+"It ain't that I'm afraid iv not doin' th' r-right thing in th' end,
+Hinnissy. Some mornin' I'll wake up an' know jus' what to do, an' that
+I'll do. But 'tis th' annoyance in th' mane time. I've been r-readin'
+about th' counthry. 'Tis over beyant ye'er left shoulder whin ye're
+facin' east. Jus' throw ye'er thumb back, an' ye have it as ac'rate as
+anny man in town. 'Tis farther thin Boohlgahrya an' not so far as
+Blewchoochoo. It's near Chiny, an' it's not so near; an', if a man was
+to bore a well through fr'm Goshen, Indianny, he might sthrike it, an'
+thin again he might not. It's a poverty-sthricken counthry, full iv
+goold an' precious stones, where th' people can pick dinner off th'
+threes an' ar-re starvin' because they have no step-ladders. Th'
+inhabitants is mostly naygurs an' Chinnymen, peaceful, industhrus, an'
+law-abidin', but savage an' bloodthirsty in their methods. They wear no
+clothes except what they have on, an' each woman has five husbands an'
+each man has five wives. Th' r-rest goes into th' discard, th' same as
+here. Th' islands has been ownded be Spain since befure th' fire; an'
+she's threated thim so well they're now up in ar-rms again her, except a
+majority iv thim which is thurly loyal. Th' natives seldom fight, but
+whin they get mad at wan another they r-run-a-muck. Whin a man
+r-runs-a-muck, sometimes they hang him an' sometimes they discharge him
+an' hire a new motorman. Th' women ar-re beautiful, with languishin'
+black eyes, an' they smoke see-gars, but ar-re hurried an' incomplete in
+their dhress. I see a pitcher iv wan th' other day with nawthin' on her
+but a basket of cocoanuts an' a hoop-skirt. They're no prudes. We import
+juke, hemp, cigar wrappers, sugar, an' fairy tales fr'm th' Ph'lippeens,
+an' export six-inch shells an' th' like. Iv late th' Ph'lippeens has
+awaked to th' fact that they're behind th' times, an' has received much
+American amminition in their midst. They say th' Spanyards is all tore
+up about it.
+
+"I larned all this fr'm th' papers, an' I know 'tis sthraight. An' yet,
+Hinnissy, I dinnaw what to do about th' Ph'lippeens. An' I'm all alone
+in th' wurruld. Ivrybody else has made up his mind. Ye ask anny
+con-ducthor on Ar-rchy R-road, an' he'll tell ye. Ye can find out fr'm
+the papers; an', if ye really want to know, all ye have to do is to ask
+a prom'nent citizen who can mow all th' lawn he owns with a safety
+razor. But I don't know."
+
+"Hang on to thim," said Mr. Hennessy, stoutly. "What we've got we must
+hold."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if I was Mack, I'd lave it to George. I'd say:
+'George,' I'd say, 'if ye're f'r hangin' on, hang on it is. If ye say,
+lave go, I dhrop thim.' 'Twas George won thim with th' shells, an' th'
+question's up to him."
+
+
+
+
+ON PRAYERS FOR VICTORY.
+
+
+"It looks to me," said Mr. Dooley, "as though me frind Mack'd got tired
+iv th' Sthrateejy Board, an' was goin' to lave th' war to th' men in
+black."
+
+"How's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy, who has at best but a clouded view of
+public affairs.
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "while th' sthrateejans have been wearin' out
+their jeans on cracker-boxes in Wash'n'ton, they'se been goin' on th'
+mos' deadly conflict iver heerd tell iv between th' pow'rful preachin'
+navies iv th' two counthries. Manila is nawthin' at all to th' scenes iv
+carnage an' slaughter, as Hogan says, that's been brought about be these
+desthroyers. Th' Spanyards fired th' openin' gun whin th' bishop iv
+Cades, a pow'rful turreted monitor (ol' style), attackted us with both
+for'ard guns, an' sint a storm iv brimstone an' hell into us. But th'
+victhry was not f'r long with th' hated Spanyard. He was answered be
+our whole fleet iv preachers. Thin he was jined be th' bishop iv
+Barsaloona an' th' bishop iv Mahdrid an' th' bishop iv Havana, all
+battle-ships iv th' first class, followed be a fleet iv cruisers
+r-runnin' all th' way fr'm a full-ar-rmored vicar gin'ral to a protected
+parish priest. To meet thim, we sint th' bishop iv New York, th' bishop
+iv Philadelphia, th' bishop iv Baltimore, an' th' bishop iv Chicago,
+accompanied be a flyin' squadhron iv Methodists, three Presbyteryan
+monitors, a fleet iv Baptist submarine desthroyers, an' a formidable
+array iv Universalist an' Unitaryan torpedo boats, with a Jew r-ram.
+Manetime th' bishop iv Manila had fired a solid prayer, weighin' a ton,
+at San Francisco; an' a masked batthry iv Congregationalists replied,
+inflictin' severe damage. Our Atlantic fleet is now sarchin' f'r th'
+inimy, an' the bishop iv New York is blockadin' th' bishop iv Sandago de
+Cuba; an' they'se been an exchange iv prayers between th' bishop iv
+Baltimore an' th' bishop iv Havana without much damage.
+
+"Th' Lord knows how it'll come out. First wan side prays that th' wrath
+iv Hiven'll descind on th' other, an' thin th' other side returns th'
+compliment with inthrest. Th' Spanish bishop says we're a lot iv
+murdherin', irreligious thieves, an' ought to be swept fr'm th' face iv
+th' earth. We say his people ar-re th' same, an' manny iv thim. He
+wishes Hivin to sink our ships an' desthroy our men; an' we hope he'll
+injye th' same gr-reat blessin'. We have a shade th' best iv him, f'r
+his fleets ar-re all iv th' same class an' ol' style, an' we have some
+iv th' most modhern prayin' machines in the warruld; but he prays
+har-rd, an' 'tis no aisy wurruk to silence him."
+
+"What d'ye think about it?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I dinnaw jus' what to think iv it. Me own idee
+is that war is not a matther iv prayers so much as a matther iv
+punchin'; an' th' on'y place a prayer book stops a bullet is in th'
+story books. 'Tis like what Father Kelly said. Three weeks ago las'
+Sundah he met Hogan; an' Hogan, wantin' to be smart, ast him if he'd
+offered up prayers f'r th' success iv th' cause. 'Faith, I did not,'
+says th' good man. 'I was in too much iv a hurry to get away.' 'What was
+th' matther?' ast Hogan. 'I had me uniform to brush up an' me soord to
+polish,' says Father Kelly. 'I am goin' with th' rig'mint to-morrah,' he
+says; an' he says, 'If ye hear iv me waitin' to pray,' he says, 'anny
+time they'se a call f'r me,' he says, 'to be in a fight,' he says, 'ye
+may conclude,' he says, 'that I've lost me mind, an' won't be back to me
+parish,' he says. 'Hogan,' he says, 'I'll go into th' battle with a
+prayer book in wan hand an' a soord in th' other,' he says; 'an' if th'
+wurruk calls f'r two hands, 'tis not th' soord I'll dhrop,' he says.
+'Don't ye believe in prayer?' says Hogan. 'I do,' says th' good man;
+'but,' he says, 'a healthy person ought,' he says, 'to be ashamed,' he
+says, 'to ask f'r help in a fight,' he says."
+
+"That's th' way I look at it," said Mr. Hennessy. "When 'tis an aven
+thing in th' prayin', may th' best man win."
+
+"Ye're r-right, Hinnissy," said Mr. Dooley, warmly. "Ye're r-right. An'
+th' best man will win."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE ANGLO-SAXON.
+
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I see be th' pa-apers that th' snow-white
+pigeon iv peace have tied up th' dogs iv war. It's all over now. All
+we've got to do is to arrest th' pathrites an' make th' reconcenthradios
+pay th' stamp tax, an' be r-ready f'r to take a punch at Germany or
+France or Rooshia or anny counthry on th' face iv th' globe.
+
+"An' I'm glad iv it. This war, Hinnissy, has been a gr-reat sthrain on
+me. To think iv th' suffrin' I've endured! F'r weeks I lay awake at
+nights fearin' that th' Spanish ar-rmadillo'd lave the Cape Verde
+Islands, where it wasn't, an' take th' thrain out here, an' hur-rl death
+an' desthruction into me little store. Day be day th' pitiless exthries
+come out an' beat down on me. Ye hear iv Teddy Rosenfelt plungin' into
+ambus-cades an' Sicrity iv Wars; but d'ye hear iv Martin Dooley, th' man
+behind th' guns, four thousan' miles behind thim, an' willin' to be
+further? They ar-re no bokays f'r me. I'm what Hogan calls wan iv th'
+mute, ingloryous heroes iv th' war; an' not so dam mute, ayther. Some
+day, Hinnissy, justice'll be done me, an' th' likes iv me; an', whin th'
+story iv a gr-reat battle is written, they'll print th' kilt, th'
+wounded, th' missin', an' th' seryously disturbed. An' thim that have
+bore thimsilves well an' bravely an' paid th' taxes an' faced th' deadly
+newspa-apers without flinchin' 'll be advanced six pints an' given a
+chanst to tur-rn jack f'r th' game.
+
+"But me wurruk ain't over jus' because Mack has inded th' war an' Teddy
+Rosenfelt is comin' home to bite th' Sicrety iv War. You an' me,
+Hinnissy, has got to bring on this here Anglo-Saxon 'lieance. An
+Anglo-Saxon, Hinnissy, is a German that's forgot who was his parents.
+They're a lot iv thim in this counthry. There must be as manny as two in
+Boston: they'se wan up in Maine, an' another lives at Bogg's Ferry in
+New York State, an' dhrives a milk wagon. Mack is an Anglo-Saxon. His
+folks come fr'm th' County Armagh, an' their naytional Anglo-Saxon hymn
+is 'O'Donnell Aboo.' Teddy Rosenfelt is another Anglo-Saxon. An' I'm an
+Anglo-Saxon. I'm wan iv th' hottest Anglo-Saxons that iver come out iv
+Anglo-Saxony. Th' name iv Dooley has been th' proudest Anglo-Saxon name
+in th' County Roscommon f'r many years.
+
+"Schwartzmeister is an Anglo-Saxon, but he doesn't know it, an' won't
+till some wan tells him. Pether Bowbeen down be th' Frinch church is
+formin' th' Circle Francaize Anglo-Saxon club, an' me ol' frind Dominigo
+that used to boss th' Ar-rchey R-road wagon whin Callaghan had th'
+sthreet conthract will march at th' head iv th' Dago Anglo-Saxons whin
+th' time comes. There ar-re twinty thousan' Rooshian Jews at a quarther
+a vote in th' Sivinth Ward; an', ar-rmed with rag hooks, they'd be a
+tur-rble thing f'r anny inimy iv th' Anglo-Saxon 'lieance to face. Th'
+Bohemians an' Pole Anglo-Saxons may be a little slow in wakin' up to
+what th' pa-apers calls our common hurtage, but ye may be sure they'll
+be all r-right whin they're called on. We've got together an
+Anglo-Saxon 'lieance in this wa-ard, an' we're goin' to ilict Sarsfield
+O'Brien prisidint, Hugh O'Neill Darsey vice-prisidint, Robert Immitt
+Clancy sicrety, an' Wolfe Tone Malone three-asurer. O'Brien'll be a good
+wan to have. He was in the Fenian r-raid, an' his father carrid a pike
+in forty-eight. An' he's in th' Clan. Besides, he has a sthrong pull
+with th' Ancient Ordher iv Anglo-Saxon Hibernyans.
+
+"I tell ye, whin th' Clan an' th' Sons iv Sweden an' th' Banana Club an'
+th' Circle Francaize an' th' Pollacky Benivolent Society an' th'
+Rooshian Sons of Dinnymite an' th' Benny Brith an' th' Coffee Clutch
+that Schwartzmeister r-runs an' th' Tur-rnd'ye-mind an' th' Holland
+society an' th' Afro-Americans an' th' other Anglo-Saxons begin f'r to
+raise their Anglo-Saxon battle-cry, it'll be all day with th' eight or
+nine people in th' wurruld that has th' misfortune iv not bein' brought
+up Anglo-Saxons."
+
+"They'se goin' to be a debate on th' 'lieance at th' ninety-eight picnic
+at Ogden's gr-rove," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"P'r'aps," said Mr. Dooley, sweetly, "ye might like to borry th' loan iv
+an ice-pick."
+
+
+
+
+ON A LETTER FROM THE FRONT.
+
+
+Mr. Dooley looked important, but affected indifference, as he mopped the
+bar. Mr. Hennessy, who had learned to study his friend in order to
+escape disagreeable complications, patiently waited for the philosopher
+to speak. Mr. Dooley rubbed the bar to the end, tossed the cloth into a
+mysterious recess with a practised movement, moved a glass or two on the
+shelf, cleaned his spectacles, and drew a letter from his pocket.
+
+"Hm-m!" he said: "I have news fr'm th' fr-ront. Me nevvew, Terry
+Donahue, has sint me a letther tellin' me all about it."
+
+"How shud he know?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
+
+"How shud he know, is it?" Mr. Dooley demanded warmly. "How shudden't he
+know? Isn't he a sojer in th' ar-rmy? Isn't it him that's down there in
+Sandago fightin' f'r th' honor iv th' flag, while th' likes iv you is
+up here livin' like a prince, an' doin' nawthin' all th' livelong day
+but shovel at th' rollin'-mills? Who are ye f'r to criticize th'
+dayfinders iv our counthry who ar-re lyin' in th' trinches, an' havin'
+th' clothes stole off their backs be th' pathriotic Cubians, I'd like to
+know? F'r two pins, Hinnissy, you an' I'd quarrel."
+
+"I didn't mean nawthin'," Mr. Hennessy apologized. "I didn't know he was
+down there."
+
+"Nayether did I," said Mr. Dooley. "But I informed mesilf. I'll have no
+wan in this place speak again th' ar-rmy. Ye can have ye'er say about
+Mack. He has a good job, an' 'tis r-right an' proper f'r to baste him
+fr'm time to time. It shows ye'er in good thrim, an' it don't hur-rt
+him. They'se no wan to stop his pay. He goes up to th' cashier an'
+dhraws his forty-wan-sixty-six jus' th' same whether he's sick or well,
+an' whether he's pulled th' box reg-lar or has been playin' forty-fives
+in th' back room. But whin ye come to castin' aspersions on th' ar'rmy,
+be hivens, ye'll find that I can put me thumb on this showcase an' go
+over at wan lep."
+
+"I didn't say annything," said Mr. Hennessy. "I didn't know about
+Terry."
+
+"Iv coorse, ye didn't," said Mr. Dooley. "An' that's what I'm sayin'.
+Ye're here wallowin' in luxury, wheelin' pig ir'n fr'm morn till night;
+an' ye have no thought iv what's goin' on beyant. You an' Jawn D.
+Rockefeller an' Phil Ar-rmour an' Jay Pierpont Morgan an' th' r-rest iv
+ye is settin' back at home figurin' how ye can make some wan else pay
+ye'er taxes f'r ye. What is it to ye that me nevvew Terry is sleepin' in
+ditch wather an' atin' hard tacks an' coffee an' bein' r-robbed be
+leeber Cubians, an' catchin' yallow fever without a chanst iv givin' it
+to e'er a Spanyard. Ye think more iv a stamp thin ye do iv ye'er
+counthry. Ye're like th' Sugar Thrust. F'r two cints ye'd refuse to
+support th' govermint. I know ye, ye bloated monno-polist."
+
+"I'm no such thing," said Mr. Hennessy, hotly. "I've been a Dimmycrat
+f'r thirty year."
+
+"Well, annyhow," said Mr. Dooley, "don't speak disrayspictful iv th'
+ar-rmy. Lave me r-read you Terry's letter fr'm th' fr-ront. 'M--m: In
+th' trinches, two miles fr'm Sandago, with a land crab as big as a
+lobster crawlin' up me back be way iv Kingston, June 6, Dear Uncle
+Martin.' That's th' way it begins. 'Dear Uncle Martin: We are all well
+here, except thim that is not, an' hope ye're injyin' th' same gr-reat
+blessin'. It's hotter down here thin Billy-be-dam'd. They'se a
+rollin'-mill near here jus' th' same as at home, but all th' hands is
+laid off on account iv bad times. They used ol'-fashioned wooden
+wheelbahrs an' fired with wood. I don't think they cud handle th' pig
+th' way we done, bein' small la-ads. Th' coke has to be hauled up in
+sacks be th' gang. Th' derrick hands got six a week, but hadn't anny
+union. Helpers got four twinty. Puddlers was well paid. I wint through
+th' plant befure we come up here, an' r-run a wagon up th' plank jus'
+to keep me hand in. Tell me frinds that wan gang iv good la-ads fr'm th'
+r-road cud wurruk anny three iv th' gangs down here. Th' mills is owned
+be Rockefellar, so no more at prisint fr'm yer affecshunate nevvew,
+Peter Casey, who's writin' this f'r me.'"
+
+"'Tis a good letter," said Mr. Hennessy. "I don't see how they cud get
+derrick hands f'r six a week."
+
+"Me frind Jawn D. knows how," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+
+
+
+ON OUR CUBAN ALLIES.
+
+
+"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "dam thim Cubians! If I was Gin'ral
+Shafter, I'd back up th' wagon in front iv th' dure, an' I'd say to
+Gin'ral Garshy, I'd say, 'I want you'; an' I'd have thim all down at th'
+station an' dacently booked be th' desk sergeant befure th' fall iv
+night. Th' impydince iv thim!"
+
+"What have they been doin'?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
+
+"Failin' to undherstand our civilization," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye see, it
+was this way. This is th' way it was: Gin'ral Garshy with wan hundherd
+thousan' men's been fightin' bravely f'r two years f'r to liberyate
+Cubia. F'r two years he's been marchin' his sivinty-five thousan' men up
+an' down th' island, desthroyin' th' haughty Spanyard be th' millyons.
+Whin war was declared, he offered his own sarvice an' th' sarvices iv
+his ar-rmy iv fifty thousan' men to th' United States; an', while
+waitin' f'r ships to arrive, he marched at th' head iv his tin thousan'
+men down to Sandago de Cuba an' captured a cigar facthry, which they
+soon rayjooced to smokin' ruins. They was holdin' this position--Gin'ral
+Garshy an' his gallant wan thousan' men--whin Gin'ral Shafter arrived.
+Gin'ral Garshy immedjitly offered th' sarvices iv himsilf an' his two
+hundherd men f'r th' capture iv Sandago; an', when Gin'ral Shafter
+arrived, there was Gin'ral Garshy with his gallant band iv fifty
+Cubians, r-ready to eat at a minyit's notice.
+
+"Gin'ral Shafter is a big, coorse, two-fisted man fr'm Mitchigan, an',
+whin he see Gin'ral Garshy an' his twinty-five gallant followers,
+'Fr-ront,' says he. 'This way,' he says, 'step lively,' he says, 'an'
+move some iv these things,' he says. 'Sir,' says Gin'ral Garshy, 'd'ye
+take me f'r a dhray?' he says. 'I'm a sojer,' he says, 'not a baggage
+car,' he says. 'I'm a Cubian pathrite, an' I'd lay down me life an' the
+lives iv ivry wan iv th' eighteen brave men iv me devoted ar-rmy,' he
+says; 'but I'll be dam'd if I carry a thrunk,' he says. 'I'll fight
+whiniver 'tis cool,' he says, 'an' they ain't wan iv these twelve men
+here that wudden't follow me to hell if they was awake at th' time,' he
+says; 'but,' he says, 'if 'twas wurruk we were lookin' f'r, we cud have
+found it long ago,' he says. 'They'se a lot iv it in this counthry that
+nobody's usin',' he says. 'What we want,' he says, 'is freedom,' he
+says; 'an', if ye think we have been in th' woods dodgin' th' savage
+corryspondint f'r two year,' he says, 'f'r th' sake iv r-rushin' yer
+laundhry home,' he says, ''tis no wondher,' he says, 'that th' r-roads
+fr'm Marinette to Kalamazoo is paved with goold bricks bought be th'
+people iv ye'er native State,' he says.
+
+"So Shafter had to carry his own thrunk; an' well it was f'r him that it
+wasn't Gin'ral Miles', the weather bein' hot. An' Shafter was mad clear
+through; an', whin he took hold iv Sandago, an' was sendin' out
+invitations, he scratched Garshy. Garshy took his gallant band iv six
+back to th' woods; an' there th' three iv thim ar-re now, ar-rmed with
+forty r-rounds iv canned lobster, an' ready to raysist to th' death. Him
+an' th' other man has written to Gin'ral Shafter to tell him what they
+think iv him, an' it don't take long."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "I think Shafter done wrong. He might've
+asked Garshy in f'r to see th' show, seein' that he's been hangin'
+ar-round f'r a long time, doin' th' best he cud."
+
+"It isn't that," explained Mr. Dooley. "Th' throuble is th' Cubians
+don't undherstand our civilization. Over here freedom means hard wurruk.
+What is th' ambition iv all iv us, Hinnissy? 'Tis ayether to hold our
+job or to get wan. We want wurruk. We must have it. D'ye raymimber th'
+sign th' mob carrid in th' procession las' year? 'Give us wurruk, or we
+perish,' it said. They had their heads bate in be polismen because no
+philan-thropist'd come along an' make thim shovel coal. Now, in Cubia,
+whin th' mobs turns out, they carry a banner with the wurruds, 'Give us
+nawthin' to do, or we perish.' Whin a Cubian comes home at night with a
+happy smile on his face, he don't say to his wife an' childher, 'Thank
+Gawd, I've got wurruk at last!' He says, 'Thank Gawd, I've been fired.'
+An' th' childher go out, and they say, 'Pah-pah has lost his job.' And
+Mrs. Cubian buys hersilf a new bonnet; and where wanst they was sorrow
+an' despair all is happiness an' a cottage organ.
+
+"Ye can't make people here undherstand that, an' ye can't make a Cubian
+undherstand that freedom means th' same thing as a pinitinchry sintince.
+Whin we thry to get him to wurruk, he'll say: 'Why shud I? I haven't
+committed anny crime.' That's goin' to be th' throuble. Th' first thing
+we know we'll have another war in Cubia whin we begin disthributin' good
+jobs, twelve hours a day, wan sivinty-five. Th' Cubians ain't civilized
+in our way. I sometimes think I've got a touch iv Cubian blood in me own
+veins."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE DESTRUCTION OF CERVERA'S FLEET.
+
+
+     [These comments were made by Mr. Dooley during a strike of the
+     stereotypers, which caused the English newspapers of Chicago
+     temporarily to suspend publication.]
+
+"I hear," said Mr. Hennessy, "that th' stereopticons on th' newspapers
+have sthruck."
+
+"I sh'd think they wud," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' las' time I was down town
+was iliction night, whin Charter Haitch's big la-ad was ilicted, an'
+they was wurrukin' th' stereopticons till they was black in th' face.
+What's th' news?"
+
+"Th' What Cheer, Ioway, Lamp iv Freedom is on th' sthreets with a
+tillygram that Shafter has captured Sandago de Cuba, an' is now settin'
+on Gin'ral Pando's chest with his hands in his hair. But this is denied
+be th' Palo Gazoot, the Macoupin County Raygisther, an' th' Meridyan
+Sthreet Afro-American. I also see be th' Daily Scoor Card, th' Wine
+List, th' Deef Mute's Spokesman, th' Morgue Life, the Bill iv Fare, th'
+Stock Yards Sthraight Steer, an' Jack's Tips on th' Races, the on'y
+daily paper printed in Chicago, that Sampson's fleet is in th' Suez
+Canal bombarding Cades. Th' Northwestern Christyan Advycate says this is
+not thrue, but that George Dixon was outpointed be an English boxer in a
+twinty-r-round go in New York."
+
+"Ye've got things mixed up," said Mr. Dooley. "I get th' news sthraight.
+'Twas this way. Th' Spanish fleet was bottled up in Sandago Harbor, an'
+they dhrew th' cork. That's a joke. I see it in th' pa-apers. Th'
+gallant boys iv th' navy was settin' out on th' deck, defindin' their
+counthry an' dhrawin' three ca-ards apiece, whin th' Spanish admiral
+con-cluded 'twud be better f'r him to be desthroyed on th' ragin' sea,
+him bein' a sailor, thin to have his fleet captured be cav'lry. Annyhow,
+he was willin' to take a chance; an' he says to his sailors:
+'Spanyards,' he says, 'Castiles,' he says, 'we have et th' las'
+bed-tick,' he says; 'an', if we stay here much longer,' he says, 'I'll
+have to have a steak off th' armor plate fried f'r ye,' he says. 'Lave
+us go out where we can have a r-run f'r our money,' he says. An' away
+they wint. I'll say this much f'r him, he's a brave man, a dam brave
+man. I don't like a Spanyard no more than ye do, Hinnissy. I niver see
+wan. But, if this here man was a--was a Zulu, I'd say he was a brave
+man. If I was aboord wan iv thim yachts that was convarted, I'd go to
+this here Cervera, an' I'd say: 'Manuel,' I'd say, 'ye're all right, me
+boy. Ye ought to go to a doctor an' have ye'er eyes re-set, but ye're a
+good fellow. Go downstairs,' I'd say, 'into th' basemint iv the ship,'
+I'd say, 'an' open th' cupboard jus' nex' to th' head iv th' bed, an'
+find th' bottle marked "Floridy Wather," an' threat ye'ersilf kindly.'
+That's what I'd say to Cervera. He's all right.
+
+"Well, whin our boys see th' Spanish fleet comin' out iv th' harbor,
+they gathered on th' deck an' sang th' naytional anthem, 'They'll be a
+hot time in th' ol' town to-night.' A liftnant come up to where Admiral
+Sampson was settin' playin' sivin up with Admiral Schley. 'Bill,' he
+says, 'th' Spanish fleet is comin' out,' he says. 'What talk have ye?'
+says Sampson. 'Sind out some row-boats an' a yacht, an' desthroy thim.
+Clubs is thrumps,' he says, and he wint on playin'. Th' Spanish fleet
+was attackted on all sides be our br-rave la-ads, nobly assisted be th'
+dispatch boats iv the newspapers. Wan by wan they was desthroyed. Three
+battle-ships attackted th' convarted yacht Gloucester. Th' Gloucester
+used to be owned be Pierpont Morgan; but 'twas convarted, an' is now
+leadin' a dacint life. Th' Gloucester sunk thim all, th' Christobell
+Comma, the Viscera, an' th' Admiral O'Quinn. It thin wint up to two
+Spanish torpedo boats an' giv thim wan punch, an' away they wint. Be
+this time th' sojers had heerd of the victhry, an' they gathered on th'
+shore, singin' th' naytional anthem, 'They'll be a hot time in th' ol'
+town to-night, me babby.' Th' gloryous ol' chune, to which Washington
+an' Grant an' Lincoln marched, was took up be th' sailors on th' ships,
+an' Admiral Cervera r-run wan iv his boats ashore, an' jumped into th'
+sea. At last accounts th' followin' dispatches had been received: 'To
+Willum McKinley: Congratulations on ye'er noble victhry. (Signed) Willum
+McKinley.' 'To Russell A. Alger: Ye done splendid. (Signed) Russell A.
+Alger.' 'To James Wilson, Sicrety iv Agriculture: This is a gr-reat day
+f'r Ioway. Ar-re ye much hur-rted? (Signed) James Wilson.'"
+
+"Where did ye hear all this?" asked Mr. Hennessy, in great amazement.
+
+"I r-read it," said Mr. Dooley, impressively, "in the Staats Zeitung."
+
+
+
+
+ON A LETTER TO MR. DEPEW.
+
+
+"I usen't to know," said Mr. Dooley, "what me frind Gin'ral Sherman
+meant whin he said that thing about war. I've been through two iv thim,
+not to speak iv convintions an' prim'ries, an' divvle th' bit iv har-rm
+come to me no more thin if I was settin' on a roof playin' an accorjeen.
+But I know now what th' ol' la-ad meant. He meant war was hell whin
+'twas over.
+
+"I ain't heerd anny noise fr'm th' fellows that wint into threnches an'
+plugged th' villyanious Spanyard. Most iv thim is too weak to kick. But
+th' proud an' fearless pathrites who restrained thimsilves, an' didn't
+go to th' fr-ront, th' la-ads that sthruggled hard with their warlike
+tindincies, an' fin'lly downed thim an' stayed at home an' practised up
+upon th' typewriter, they're ragin' an' tearin' an' desthroyin' their
+foes.
+
+"Did ye see what me frind Alger wrote to Chansy Depoo? Well, sir, Alger
+has been misthreated. There's a good man. I say he's a good man. An' he
+is, too. At anny thrick fr'm shingles to two-be-fours he's as good as
+th' best. But no wan apprechated Alger. No wan undherstud him. No wan
+even thried to. Day be day he published th' private letters iv other
+people, an' that didn't throw anny light on his charackter. Day be day
+he had his pitchers took, an' still th' people didn't get onto th'
+cur-rves iv him. Day be day he chatted iv th' turrors iv war, an' still
+people on'y said: 'An' Alger also r-ran.' But th' time come whin Alger
+cud contain himsilf no longer, an' he set down an' wrote to Chansy
+Depoo.
+
+"'Mr. Chansy Depot, care iv Grand Cintral Depew, New York, N.Y.,
+Esquire. Dear Chanse: I've been expectin' a letter fr'm ye f'r three or
+four days. In reply to same will say: Oh, Chanse, ye don't know how I
+suffer. I'm that low in me mind I feel like a bunch iv lathes. Oh, dear,
+to think iv what I've gone through. I wint into th' war onprepared. I
+had on'y so many r-rounds iv catridges an' a cross-cut saw, an' I
+failed to provide mesilf with th' ord'nary necessities iv life. But, in
+spite iv me deficiencies, I wint bravely ahead. Th' sthrain was
+something tur-r'ble on me. Me mind give out repeatedly. I cud not think
+at times, but I niver faltered. In two months I had enough supplies
+piled up in Maine to feed ivry sojer in Cubia. They were thousands iv
+r-rounds iv catridges f'r ivry rig'mint, and all th' rig'mints had to do
+was to write f'r thim. Th' navy had taken Manila an' Cervera's fleet,
+an' th' ar-rmy had taken Sandago an' th' yellow fever. Th' war is over,
+an' peace wanst more wags her wings over th' counthry. Pine scantlings
+is quoted sthrong. Ivrywhere is peace an' contint. Me photographs are on
+sale at all first-class newsdealers. Yet there is no ca'm f'r me.
+Onthinkin' wans insult me. They tell me a sojer can't ate gin'ral
+ordhers. They want me to raysign an' go back to me humble home in
+Mitchigan. Disgustin' men that've done nawthin' but get thimsilves
+shot, ask f'r milk an' quinine. They'll be askin' me to carry food
+to thim nex'. Oh, Chanse, oh, hivens, ye can't know how grieved I
+am! Rather wud I have perished in a logjam thin to've indured this
+ingratichood. But, in lookin' back over me past life, I can think
+iv no wrong I've done. If me mim'ry is at fault, please note. Me
+car-eer is an open book. I've held nawthin' back fr'm th' public,
+not even whin 'twas mar-rked private. I can say with th' pote that
+I done me jooty. But, oh, Chanse! don't iver aspire to my job. Be
+sicrety of war, if ye will; but niver be sicrety iv A war. Do not
+offer this letter to th' newspapers. Make thim take it. How's
+things goin' with ye, ol' pal? I hope to see ye at th' seaside.
+Till thin, I'm yours, sick at heart, but atin' reg'lar.    RUSS.'"
+
+"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "th' poor man must've had a har-rd time iv
+it."
+
+"He did," said Mr. Dooley. "Niver laid his head to a pillow before
+eight, up with th' moon: he's suffered as no man can tell. But he'll be
+all r-right whin his mind's at r-rest."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE PRESIDENT'S CAT.
+
+
+"'Twas this way about Dr. Huckenlooper. Mack has a cat that was give him
+f'r a Chris'mas prisint be me frind Pierpont Morgan, an' th' cat was a
+gr-reat favor-ite in th' White House. 'Twas as quite as th' Sicrety iv
+Agriculture an' as affectionate as th' Sicrety iv th' Three-asury. Th'
+cat was called Goold Bonds, because iv th' inthrest he dhrew. He very
+often played with th' Sicrety iv th' Navy, an' ivry wan that come to th'
+White House f'r a job loved him.
+
+"But wan day Goold Bonds begun to look bad. He cudden't ate th' r-rich
+crame out iv th' di'mon'-studded saucer. He stopped castin' an eye at
+th' c'nary in th' cage. Whin th' Sicrety iv th' Navy wint down f'r to
+play with him, Goold Bonds spit at that good an' gr-reat man. Mack was
+shavin' himsilf befure th' lookin'-glass, an' had jus' got his face
+pulled r-round to wan side f'r a good gash, whin he heerd a scream iv
+ag'ny behind him, an' tur-rned to see Goold Bonds leap up with his paws
+on his stomach an' hit th' ceilin'. Mack give a cry iv turror, an'
+grabbed at Goold Bonds. Away wint Goold Bonds through th' house. Th'
+Sicrety iv War seen him comin', an' called, 'Pussy, pussy.' Goold Bonds
+wint through his legs, an' galloped f'r where th' Postmaster-gin'ral was
+settin' editin' his pa-aper. Th' Postmaster-gin'ral had jus' got as far
+as 'we opine,' whin he see Goold Bonds, an' he bate th' cat to th' windy
+be a whisker.
+
+"Well, Goold Bonds ended up in th' coal cellar, an' they was a cab'net
+council f'r to see what was to be done. 'Sind f'r Doctor Heinegagubler,'
+says th' Sicrety iv War. 'He's wan iv th' gr-reatest surgeons iv our
+time,' he says, 'an' can cure annything fr'm pips to glanders,' he says.
+Th' famous Doctor Honeycooler was summoned. 'Sir,' says Mack, 'Goold
+Bonds, th' pride iv th' administhration, has had a fit,' he says. ''Twud
+br-reak our hear-rts to lose our little pet,' he says. 'Go,' he says,
+'an' take such measures as ye'er noble healin' ar-rt sug-gists,' he
+says; 'an' may th' prayers iv an agonized foster-parent go with ye,' he
+says. An' Doctor Higgenlocker wint down into th' coal-shed; an' whin he
+come back, it was with Goold Bonds in his ar-rms, weak an' pale, but
+with a wan smile on his lips.
+
+"Afther embracin' Goold Bonds an' tuckin' him away in bed, Mack tur-rns
+to th' Dock. 'Dock,' he says, 'ye have performed a noble sarvice,' he
+says. 'I appint ye a major-gin'ral,' he says. 'I'm that already,' says
+th' Dock. 'I've r-rich relatives in Philadelphia,' he says. 'But,' says
+Mack, ''tis a shame to think iv ye'er noble sarvices bein' wasted,' he
+says, 'whin ye'er counthry calls,' he says. 'I appint ye,' he says,
+'surgeon-gin'ral,' he says. 'Pro-ceed,' he says, 'to Cubia, an' stamp
+out th' dhread ravages,' he says, 'iv r-ringbone an' stagger,' he says.
+
+"That's how Dock got th'job. He was a gr-reat man down there, an' now
+he's wan iv th' vethranaryans iv th' war. Ye heerd iv typhoid an' yellow
+fever in th' threnches; but did ye hear annything iv spavin or th'
+foot-an'-mouth disease? Not wanst. Dock was on jooty late an' early.
+Sleepless an' vigilant, he stood beside th' suffrin' mules, allayin'
+their pain, an' slowly but surely dhraggin' thim out iv th' clutches iv
+pinkeye an' epizootic. He had a cheery wurrud, a pleasant smile, an' a
+bottle iv liniment f'r wan an' all. He cured Teddy Rosenfelt's hor-rse
+iv intherference an' made a soothin' lotion iv axle-grease f'r Gin'ral
+Shafter's buckboard. Ye might see him anny time wandhrin' through th'
+camp with a hatful of oats or a wisp of hay. They called him th' Stall
+Angel, and countless thousands iv sick hor-rses blessed him. He's a
+gr-reat man is th' Dock. But, if it hadn't been f'r Goold Bonds, th'
+counthry wud niver have had his sarvices. Who knows but that Mack's cat
+was th' rale victhor at Sandago?"
+
+"Didn't he cure anny men?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Sure," said Mr. Dooley. "He cured Teddy Rosenfelt iv boltin'."
+
+
+
+
+ON A SPEECH BY PRESIDENT McKINLEY.
+
+
+"I hear-r that Mack's in town," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"Didn't ye see him?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Faith, I did not!" said Mr. Dooley. "If 'tis meetin' me he's afther,
+all he has to do is to get on a ca-ar an' r-ride out to number
+nine-double-naught-nine Archey R-road, an' stop whin he sees th' sign iv
+th' Tip-p'rary Boodweiser Brewin' Company. I'm here fr'm eight in the
+mornin' till midnight, an' th' r-rest iv th' time I'm in the back room
+in th' ar-rms iv Or-rphyus, as Hogan says. Th' Presidint is as welcome
+as anny rayspictable marrid man. I will give him a chat an' a dhrink f'r
+fifteen cints; an', as we're not, as a frind iv mine in th' grocery an'
+pothry business says, intirely a commercial an' industhreel nation, if
+he has th' Sicrety iv th' Threasury with him, I'll give thim two f'r
+twinty-five cints, which is th' standard iv value among civilized
+nations th' wurruld over. Prisidint iv th' United States, says ye? Well,
+I'm prisidint iv this liquor store, fr'm th' pitcher iv th' Chicago fire
+above th' wash-stand in th' back room to th' dure-step. Beyond that
+belongs to th' polisman on th' bate. An Amurrican's home, as wan iv th'
+potes says, is his castle till th' morgedge falls due. An' divvle a fut
+will I put out iv this dure to see e'er a prisidint, prince, or
+potentate, fr'm th' czar iv Rooshia to th' king iv Chiny. There's
+Prisidint Mack at th' Audjiotoroom, an' here's Prisidint Dooley at
+nine-double-naught-nine, an' th' len'th iv th' sthreet between thim.
+Says he, 'Come over to th' hotel an' see me.' Says I, 'If ye find
+ye'ersilf thrun fr'm a ca-ar in me neighborhood, dhrop in.' An' there ye
+ar-re.
+
+"I may niver see him. I may go to me grave without gettin' an' eye on
+th' wan man besides mesilf that don't know what th' furrin' policy iv
+th' United States is goin' to be. An he, poor man, whin some wan asts
+him, 'Did ye iver meet Dooley:' 'll have to say, 'No, I had th' chanst
+wanst, but me ac-cursed pride kept me from visitin' him.'
+
+"I r-read his speeches, though, an' know what he's doin.' Some iv thim
+ar-re gr-reat. He attinded th' banket given be th' Prospurity Brigade at
+th' hotel where he's stoppin'. 'Twas a magnificent assimblage iv th'
+laborin' classes, costin' fifteen dollars a plate, an' on'y disturbed
+whin a well-to-do gintleman in th' dhry-goods business had to be thrun
+out f'r takin' a kick at a waiter. I r-read be th' papers that whin Mack
+come in he was rayceived be th' gatherin' with shouts iv approval. Th'
+proceedin's was opened with a prayer that Providence might r-remain
+undher th' protection iv th' administhration. Th' Sicrety iv th'
+Treasury followed with a gran' speech, highly commindin' th' action iv
+th' threasury department durin' th' late war; 'but,' says he, 'I
+cannot,' he says, 'so far forget mesilf,' he says, 'as not to mintion,'
+he says, 'that,' he says, 'if it hadn't been f'r the sublime
+pathreetism an' courage,' he says, 'iv th' gintleman whom we honor,' he
+says, 'in puttin' me on th' foorce,' he says, 'I might not be here
+to-night,' he says.
+
+"Th' Sicrety iv th' Threasury was followed be th' Gin'ral Shafter.
+'Gintlemen,' says he, 'it gives me,' he says, 'gr-reat pleasure,' he
+says, 'to be prisint in th' mist iv so manny an' so various vittles,' he
+says. 'Iv coorse,' he says, 'I re-elize me own gr-reat worth,' he says;
+'but,' he says, 'I wud have to be more thin human,' he says, 'to
+overlook th' debt iv gratichood,' he says, 'th' counthry owes,' he says,
+'to th' man whose foresight, wisdom, an' prudence brought me for-ard at
+such an opparchune time,' he says. 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'onless ye have
+lived in th' buckboard f'r months on th' parched deserts iv Cubia,' he
+says, 'ye little know what a pleasure it is,' he says, 'to dhrink,' he
+says, 'to th' author iv our bein' here,' he says. An' Gin-ral Miles wint
+out an' punched th' bell-boy. Mack r-rose up in a perfect hurcane iv
+applause, an' says he, 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'an' fellow-heroes,' he
+says, 'ye do me too much honor;' he says. 'I alone shud not have th'
+credit iv this gloryous victhry. They ar-re others.' [A voice:
+'Shafter.' Another voice: 'Gage.' Another voice: 'Dooley.'] 'But I pass
+to a more conganial line iv thought,' he says. 'We have just emerged
+fr'm a turrible war,' he says. 'Again,' he says, 'we ar-re a united
+union,' he says. 'No north,' he says, 'no south, no east,' he says, 'no
+west. No north east a point east,' he says. 'Th' inimies iv our counthry
+has been cr-rushed,' he says, 'or is stuck down in Floridy with his
+rig'mint talkin',' he says, 'his hellish docthrines to th' allygatars,'
+he says. 'Th' nation is wanst more at peace undher th' gran' goold
+standard,' he says. 'Now,' he says, 'th' question is what shall we do
+with th' fruits iv victhry?' he says. [A voice, 'Can thim.'] 'Our duty
+to civilization commands us to be up an' doin',' he says. 'We ar-re
+bound,' he says, 'to--to re-elize our destiny, whativer it may be,' he
+says. 'We can not tur-rn back,' he says, 'th hands iv th' clock that,
+even as I speak, he says, 'is r-rushin' through th' hear-rts iv men,' he
+says, 'dashin' its spray against th' star iv liberty an' hope, an' no
+north, no south, no east, no west, but a steady purpose to do th' best
+we can, considerin' all th' circumstances iv the case.' he says. 'I hope
+I have made th' matther clear to ye,' he says, 'an', with these few
+remarks,' he says, 'I will tur-rn th' job over to destiny,' he says,
+'which is sure to lead us iver on an' on, an' back an' forth, a united
+an' happy people, livin',' he says, 'undher an administhration that,
+thanks to our worthy Prisidint an' his cap-ble an' earnest advisers, is
+second to none,' he says."
+
+"What do you think ought to be done with th' fruits iv victhry?" Mr.
+Hennessy asked.
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if 'twas up to me, I'd eat what was r-ripe an'
+give what wasn't r-ripe to me inimy. An' I guess that's what Mack
+means."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE HERO IN POLITICS.
+
+
+"'Tis as much as a man's life is worth these days," said Mr. Dooley, "to
+have a vote. Look here," he continued, diving under the bar and
+producing a roll of paper.
+
+"Here's th' pitchers iv candydates I pulled down fr'm th' windy, an'
+jus' knowin' they're here makes me that nervous f'r th' contints iv th'
+cash dhrawer I'm afraid to tur-rn me back f'r a minyit. I'm goin' to
+throw thim out in th' back yard.
+
+"All heroes, too, Hinnissy. They'se Mike O'Toole, th' hero iv Sandago,
+that near lost his life be dhrink on his way to th' arm'ry, an' had to
+be sint home without lavin' th' city. There's Turror Teddy Mangan, th'
+night man at Flaher-ty's, that loaded th' men that loaded th' guns that
+kilt th' mules at Matoonzas. There's Hero O'Brien, that wud've inlisted
+if he hadn't been too old, an' th' contractin' business in such good
+shape. There's Bill Cory, that come near losin' his life at a
+cinematograph iv th' battle iv Manila. They're all here, bedad, r-ready
+to sarve their country to th' bitter end, an' to r-rush, voucher in
+hand, to th' city threasurer's office at a minyit's notice.
+
+"I wint to a hero meetin' th' other night, Hinnissy, an' that's sthrange
+f'r me. Whin a man gets to be my age, he laves th' shoutin' f'r th'
+youth iv th' land, onless he has a pol-itical job. I niver had a job but
+wanst. That was whin I was precin't cap'n; an' a good wan I was, too.
+None betther. I'd been on th' cinthral comity to-day, but f'r me losin'
+ambition whin they r-run a man be th' name iv Eckstein f'r aldherman. I
+was sayin', Hinnissy, whin a man gets to be my age, he ducks pol-itical
+meetin's, an' r-reads th' papers an' weighs th' ividence an' th'
+argymints,--pro-argymints an' con-argymints,--an' makes up his mind
+ca'mly, an' votes th' Dimmycratic ticket. But young Dorsey he med me go
+with him to th' hero's meetin' in Finucane's hall.
+
+"Well, sir, there was O'Toole an' all th' rest on th' platform in
+unyform, with flags over thim, an' the bands playin' 'They'll be a hot
+time in th' ol' town to-night again'; an' th' chairman was Plunkett. Ye
+know Plunkett: a good man if they was no gr-rand juries. He was makin' a
+speech. 'Whin th' battle r-raged,' he says, 'an' th' bullets fr'm th'
+haughty Spanyards' raypeatin' Mouser r-rifles,' he says, 'where was
+Cassidy?' he says. 'In his saloon,' says I, 'in I'mrald Av'noo,' says I.
+'Thrue f'r ye,' says Plunkett. 'An' where,' he says, 'was our
+candydate?' he says. 'In somebody else's saloon,' says I. 'No,' says he.
+'Whin th' Prisidint,' he says, 'called th' nation to ar-rms,' he says,
+'an' Congress voted fifty million good bucks f'r th' naytional definse,'
+he says, 'Thomas Francis Dorgan,' he says, 'in that minyit iv naytional
+pearl,' says he, 'left his good job in the pipe-yard,' he says, 'an'
+wint down to th' raycruitin' office, an' says, "How manny calls f'r
+volunteers is out?" he says. "Wan," says th' officer. "Put me down,"
+says Dorgan, "f'r th' tenth call," he says. This, gintlemen iv th'
+foorth precin't,' he says, 'is Thomas Francis Dorgan, a man who, if
+ilicted,' he says, 'victhry'll perch,' he says, 'upon our banners,' he
+says; 'an',' he says, 'th' naytional honor will be maintained,' he says,
+'in th' county boord,' he says.
+
+"I wint out to take th' air, an' I met me frind Clohessy, th' little
+tailor fr'm Halsted Sthreet. Him an' me had a shell iv beer together at
+th' German's; an' says I, 'What d'ye think iv th' heroes?' I says.
+'Well,' says he, 'I make no doubt 'twas brave iv Dorgan,' he says, 'f'r
+to put his name in f'r th' tenth call,' he says; 'but,' he says, 'I
+don't like Plunkett, an' it seems to me a man'd have to be a hell iv a
+sthrong man, even if he was a hero, to be Plunkett's man, an' keep his
+hands out iv ye'er pockets,' he says. 'I'm with Clancy's candydate,' he
+says. 'He niver offered to enlist for th' war,' he says, 'but 'twas
+Clancy put Terence on th' polis foorce an' got th' school f'r Aggie,' he
+says.
+
+"That's the way I feel," said Mr. Hennessy. "I wudden't thrust Plunkett
+as far as I cud throw a cow be th' tail. If Dorgan was Clancy's war
+hero, I'd be with him."
+
+"Annyhow," said Mr. Dooley, "mighty few iv th' rale heroes iv th' war is
+r-runnin' f'r office. Most iv thim put on their blue overalls whin they
+was mustered out an' wint up an' ast f'r their ol' jobs back--an'
+sometimes got thim. Ye can see as manny as tin iv thim at the
+rollin'-mills defindin' th' nation's honor with wheelbahr's an' a slag
+shovel."
+
+
+
+
+MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE
+
+
+
+
+ON NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS.
+
+
+Mr. Hennessy looked out at the rain dripping down in Archey Road, and
+sighed, "A-ha, 'tis a bad spell iv weather we're havin'."
+
+"Faith, it is," said Mr. Dooley, "or else we mind it more thin we did. I
+can't remimber wan day fr'm another. Whin I was young, I niver thought
+iv rain or snow, cold or heat. But now th' heat stings an' th' cold
+wrenches me bones; an', if I go out in th' rain with less on me thin a
+ton iv rubber, I'll pay dear f'r it in achin' j'ints, so I will. That's
+what old age means; an' now another year has been put on to what we had
+befure, an' we're expected to be gay. 'Ring out th' old,' says a guy at
+th' Brothers' School. 'Ring out th' old, ring in th' new,' he says.
+'Ring out th' false, ring in th' thrue,' says he. It's a pretty
+sintimint, Hinnissy; but how ar-re we goin' to do it? Nawthin'd please
+me betther thin to turn me back on th' wicked an' ingloryous past,
+rayform me life, an' live at peace with th' wurruld to th' end iv me
+days. But how th' divvle can I do it? As th' fellow says, 'Can th'
+leopard change his spots,' or can't he?
+
+"You know Dorsey, iv coorse, th' cross-eyed May-o man that come to this
+counthry about wan day in advance iv a warrant f'r sheep-stealin'? Ye
+know what he done to me, tellin' people I was caught in me cellar
+poorin' wather into a bar'l? Well, last night says I to mesilf, thinkin'
+iv Dorsey, I says: 'I swear that henceforth I'll keep me temper with me
+fellow-men. I'll not let anger or jealousy get th' betther iv me,' I
+says. 'I'll lave off all me old feuds; an' if I meet me inimy goin' down
+th' sthreet, I'll go up an' shake him be th' hand, if I'm sure he hasn't
+a brick in th' other hand.' Oh, I was mighty compliminthry to mesilf. I
+set be th' stove dhrinkin' hot wans, an' ivry wan I dhrunk made me more
+iv a pote. 'Tis th' way with th' stuff. Whin I'm in dhrink, I have manny
+a fine thought; an', if I wasn't too comfortable to go an' look f'r th'
+ink-bottle, I cud write pomes that'd make Shakespeare an' Mike Scanlan
+think they were wurrkin' on a dredge. 'Why,' says I, 'carry into th' new
+year th' hathreds iv th' old?' I says. 'Let th' dead past bury its
+dead,' says I. 'Tur-rn ye'er lamps up to th' blue sky,' I says. (It was
+rainin' like th' divvle, an' th' hour was midnight; but I give no heed
+to that, bein' comfortable with th' hot wans.) An' I wint to th' dure,
+an', whin Mike Duffy come by on number wan hundherd an' five, ringin'
+th' gong iv th' ca-ar, I hollered to him: 'Ring out th' old, ring in th'
+new.' 'Go back into ye'er stall,' he says, 'an' wring ye'ersilf out,' he
+says. 'Ye'er wet through,' he says.
+
+"Whin I woke up this mornin', th' pothry had all disappeared, an' I
+begun to think th' las' hot wan I took had somethin' wrong with it.
+Besides, th' lumbago was grippin' me till I cud hardly put wan foot
+befure th' other. But I remimbered me promises to mesilf, an' I wint out
+on th' sthreet, intindin' to wish ivry wan a 'Happy New Year,' an'
+hopin' in me hear-rt that th' first wan I wished it to'd tell me to go
+to th' divvle, so I cud hit him in th' eye. I hadn't gone half a block
+before I spied Dorsey acrost th' sthreet. I picked up a half a brick an'
+put it in me pocket, an' Dorsey done th' same. Thin we wint up to each
+other. 'A Happy New Year,' says I. 'Th' same to you,' says he, 'an'
+manny iv thim,' he says. 'Ye have a brick in ye'er hand,' says I. 'I was
+thinkin' iv givin' ye a New Year's gift,' says he. 'Th' same to you, an'
+manny iv thim,' says I, fondlin' me own ammunition. ''Tis even all
+around,' says he. 'It is,' says I. 'I was thinkin' las' night I'd give
+up me gredge again ye,' says he. 'I had th' same thought mesilf,' says
+I. 'But, since I seen ye'er face,' he says, 'I've con-cluded that I'd be
+more comfortable hatin' ye thin havin' ye f'r a frind,' says he. 'Ye're
+a man iv taste,' says I. An' we backed away fr'm each other. He's a Tip,
+an' can throw a stone like a rifleman; an', Hinnissy, I'm somethin' iv
+an amachoor shot with a half-brick mesilf.
+
+"Well, I've been thinkin' it over, an' I've argied it out that life'd
+not be worth livin' if we didn't keep our inimies. I can have all th'
+frinds I need. Anny man can that keeps a liquor sthore. But a rale
+sthrong inimy, specially a May-o inimy,--wan that hates ye ha-ard, an'
+that ye'd take th' coat off yer back to do a bad tur-rn to,--is a luxury
+that I can't go without in me ol' days. Dorsey is th' right sort. I
+can't go by his house without bein' in fear he'll spill th' chimbly down
+on me head; an', whin he passes my place, he walks in th' middle iv th'
+sthreet, an' crosses himsilf. I'll swear off on annything but Dorsey.
+He's a good man, an' I despise him. Here's long life to him."
+
+
+
+
+ON GOLD-SEEKING.
+
+
+"Well, sir," said Mr. Hennessy, "that Alaska's th' gr-reat place. I
+thought 'twas nawthin' but an iceberg with a few seals roostin' on it,
+an' wan or two hundherd Ohio politicians that can't be killed on account
+iv th' threaty iv Pawrs. But here they tell me 'tis fairly smothered in
+goold. A man stubs his toe on th' ground, an lifts th' top off iv a
+goold mine. Ye go to bed at night, an' wake up with goold fillin' in
+ye'er teeth."
+
+"Yes," said Mr. Dooley, "Clancy's son was in here this mornin', an' he
+says a frind iv his wint to sleep out in th' open wan night, an' whin he
+got up his pants assayed four ounces iv goold to th' pound, an' his
+whiskers panned out as much as thirty dollars net."
+
+"If I was a young man an' not tied down here," said Mr. Hennessy, "I'd
+go there: I wud so."
+
+"I wud not," said Mr. Dooley. "Whin I was a young man in th' ol'
+counthry, we heerd th' same story about all America. We used to set be
+th' tur-rf fire o' nights, kickin' our bare legs on th' flure an'
+wishin' we was in New York, where all ye had to do was to hold ye'er hat
+an' th' goold guineas'd dhrop into it. An' whin I got to be a man, I
+come over here with a ham and a bag iv oatmeal, as sure that I'd return
+in a year with money enough to dhrive me own ca-ar as I was that me name
+was Martin Dooley. An' that was a cinch.
+
+"But, faith, whin I'd been here a week, I seen that there was nawthin'
+but mud undher th' pavement,--I larned that be means iv a pick-axe at
+tin shillin's th' day,--an' that, though there was plenty iv goold, thim
+that had it were froze to it; an' I come west, still lookin' f'r mines.
+Th' on'y mine I sthruck at Pittsburgh was a hole f'r sewer pipe. I made
+it. Siven shillin's th' day. Smaller thin New York, but th' livin' was
+cheaper, with Mon'gahela rye at five a throw, put ye'er hand around th'
+glass.
+
+"I was still dreamin' goold, an' I wint down to Saint Looey. Th'
+nearest I come to a fortune there was findin' a quarther on th' sthreet
+as I leaned over th' dashboord iv a car to whack th' off mule. Whin I
+got to Chicago, I looked around f'r the goold mine. They was Injuns here
+thin. But they wasn't anny mines I cud see. They was mud to be shovelled
+an' dhrays to be dhruv an' beats to be walked. I choose th' dhray; f'r I
+was niver cut out f'r a copper, an' I'd had me fill iv excavatin'. An' I
+dhruv th' dhray till I wint into business.
+
+"Me experyence with goold minin' is it's always in th' nex' county. If I
+was to go to Alaska, they'd tell me iv th' finds in Seeberya. So I think
+I'll stay here. I'm a silver man, annyhow; an' I'm contint if I can see
+goold wanst a year, whin some prominent citizen smiles over his
+newspaper. I'm thinkin' that ivry man has a goold mine undher his own
+dure-step or in his neighbor's pocket at th' farthest."
+
+"Well, annyhow," said Mr. Hennessy, "I'd like to kick up th' sod, an'
+find a ton iv goold undher me fut."
+
+"What wud ye do if ye found it?" demanded Mr. Dooley.
+
+"I--I dinnaw," said Mr. Hennessy, whose dreaming had not gone this far.
+Then, recovering himself, he exclaimed with great enthusiasm, "I'd throw
+up me job an'--an' live like a prince."
+
+"I tell ye what ye'd do," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye'd come back here an'
+sthrut up an' down th' sthreet with ye'er thumbs in ye'er armpits; an'
+ye'd dhrink too much, an' ride in sthreet ca-ars. Thin ye'd buy foldin'
+beds an' piannies, an' start a reel estate office. Ye'd be fooled a good
+deal an' lose a lot iv ye'er money, an' thin ye'd tighten up. Ye'd be in
+a cold fear night an' day that ye'd lose ye'er fortune. Ye'd wake up in
+th' middle iv th' night, dhreamin' that ye was back at th' gas-house
+with ye'er money gone. Ye'd be prisidint iv a charitable society. Ye'd
+have to wear ye'er shoes in th' house, an' ye'er wife'd have ye around
+to rayciptions an dances.' Ye'd move to Mitchigan Avnoo, an' ye'd hire a
+coachman that'd laugh at ye. Ye'er boys'd be joods an' ashamed iv ye,
+an' ye'd support ye'er daughters' husbands. Ye'd rackrint ye'er tinants
+an' lie about ye'er taxes. Ye'd go back to Ireland on a visit, an' put
+on airs with ye'er cousin Mike. Ye'd be a mane, close-fisted,
+onscrupulous ol' curmudgeon; an', whin ye'd die, it'd take half ye'er
+fortune f'r rayqueems to put ye r-right. I don't want ye iver to speak
+to me whin ye get rich, Hinnissy."
+
+"I won't," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+
+
+
+ON BOOKS.
+
+
+"Ivry time I pick up me mornin' paper to see how th' scrap come out at
+Batthry D," said Mr. Dooley, "th' first thing I r-run acrost is
+somethin' like this: 'A hot an' handsome gift f'r Christmas is Lucy Ann
+Patzooni's "Jims iv Englewood Thought"'; or 'If ye wud delight th'
+hear-rt iv yer child, ye'll give him Dr. Harper's monymental histhry iv
+th' Jewish thribes fr'm Moses to Dhry-fuss' or 'Ivrybody is r-readin'
+Roodyard Kiplin's "Busy Pomes f'r Busy People."' Th' idee iv givin'
+books f'r Christmas prisints whin th' stores are full iv tin hor-rns an'
+dhrums an' boxin' gloves an choo-choo ca-ars! People must be crazy."
+
+"They ar-re," said Mr. Hennessy. "My house is so full iv books ye
+cudden't tur-rn around without stumblin' over thim. I found th' life iv
+an ex-convict, the 'Prisoner iv Zinders,' in me high hat th' other day,
+where Mary Ann was hidin' it fr'm her sister. Instead iv th' chidher
+fightin' an' skylarkin' in th' evenin', they're settin' around th' table
+with their noses glued into books. Th' ol' woman doesn't read, but she
+picks up what's goin' on. 'Tis 'Honoria, did Lor-rd What's-his-name
+marry th' fair Aminta?' or 'But that Lady Jane was a case.' An' so it
+goes. There's no injymint in th' house, an' they're usin' me cravats f'r
+bookmarks."
+
+"'Tis all wrong," said Mr. Dooley. "They're on'y three books in th'
+wurruld worth readin',--Shakespeare, th' Bible, an' Mike Ahearn's
+histhry iv Chicago. I have Shakespeare on thrust, Father Kelly r-reads
+th' Bible f'r me, an' I didn't buy Mike Ahearn's histhry because I seen
+more thin he cud put into it. Books is th' roon iv people, specially
+novels. Whin I was a young man, th' parish priest used to preach again
+thim; but nobody knowed what he meant. At that time Willum Joyce had th'
+on'y library in th' Sixth Wa-ard. Th' mayor give him th' bound volumes
+iv th' council proceedings, an' they was a very handsome set. Th' on'y
+books I seen was th' kind that has th' life iv th' pope on th' outside
+an' a set iv dominos on th' inside. They're good readin'. Nawthin' cud
+be better f'r a man whin he's tired out afther a day's wurruk thin to go
+to his library an' take down wan iv th' gr-reat wurruks iv lithratchoor
+an' play a game iv dominos f'r th' dhrinks out iv it. Anny other kind iv
+r-readin', barrin' th' newspapers, which will niver hurt anny onedycated
+man, is desthructive iv morals.
+
+"I had it out with Father Kelly th' other day in this very matther. He
+was comin' up fr'm down town with an ar-rmful iv books f'r prizes at th'
+school. 'Have ye th' Key to Heaven there?' says I. 'No,' says he, 'th'
+childher that'll get these books don't need no key. They go in under th'
+turnstile,' he says, laughin'. 'Have ye th' Lives iv th' Saints, or the
+Christyan Dooty, or th' Story iv Saint Rose iv Lima?' I says. 'I have
+not,' says he. 'I have some good story books. I'd rather th' kids'd
+r-read Char-les Dickens than anny iv th' tales iv thim holy men that
+was burned in ile or et up be lines,' he says. 'It does no good in these
+degin'rate days to prove that th' best that can come to a man f'r
+behavin' himsilf is to be cooked in a pot or di-gisted be a line,' he
+says. 'Ye're wrong,' says I. 'Beggin' ye'er riv'rince's pardon, ye're
+wrong,' I says. 'What ar-re ye goin' to do with thim young wans? Ye're
+goin' to make thim near-sighted an' round-shouldered,' I says. 'Ye're
+goin' to have thim believe that, if they behave thimsilves an' lead a
+virchous life, they'll marry rich an' go to Congress. They'll wake up
+some day, an' find out that gettin' money an behavin' ye'ersilf don't
+always go together,' I says. 'Some iv th' wickedest men in th' wurruld
+have marrid rich,' I says. 'Ye're goin' to teach thim that a man doesn't
+have to use an ax to get along in th' wurruld. Ye're goin' to teach thim
+that a la-ad with a curlin' black mustache an' smokin' a cigareet is
+always a villyan, whin he's more often a barber with a lar-rge family.
+Life, says ye! There's no life in a book. If ye want to show thim what
+life is, tell thim to look around thim. There's more life on a Saturdah
+night in th' Ar-rchy Road thin in all th' books fr'm Shakespeare to th'
+rayport iv th' drainage thrustees. No man,' I says, 'iver wrote a book
+if he had annything to write about, except Shakespeare an' Mike Ahearn.
+Shakespeare was all r-right. I niver read anny of his pieces, but they
+sound good; an' I know Mike Ahearn is all r-right.'"
+
+"What did he say?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"He took it all r-right," said Mr. Dooley. "He kind o' grinned, an' says
+he: 'What ye say is thrue, an' it's not thrue,' he says. 'Books is f'r
+thim that can't injye thimsilves in anny other way,' he says. 'If ye're
+in good health, an' ar-re atin' three squares a day, an' not ayether sad
+or very much in love with ye'er lot, but just lookin' on an' not carin'
+a'--he said rush--'not carin' a rush, ye don't need books,' he says.
+'But if ye're a down-spirited thing an' want to get away an' can't, ye
+need books. 'Tis betther to be comfortable at home thin to go to th'
+circus, an' 'tis betther to go to th' circus thin to r-read anny book.
+But 'tis betther to r-read a book thin to want to go to th' circus an'
+not be able to,' he says. 'Well,' says I, 'whin I was growin' up, half
+th' congregation heard mass with their prayer books tur-rned upside
+down, an' they were as pious as anny. Th' Apostles' Creed niver was as
+con-vincin' to me afther I larned to r-read it as it was whin I cudden't
+read it, but believed it.'"
+
+
+
+
+ON REFORM CANDIDATES.
+
+
+"That frind iv ye'ers, Dugan, is an intilligent man," said Mr. Dooley.
+"All he needs is an index an' a few illusthrations to make him a
+bicyclopedja iv useless information."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, judiciously, "he ain't no Soc-rates an' he
+ain't no answers-to-questions colum; but he's a good man that goes to
+his jooty, an' as handy with a pick as some people are with a cocktail
+spoon. What's he been doin' again ye?"
+
+"Nawthin'," said Mr. Dooley, "but he was in here Choosday. 'Did ye
+vote?' says I. 'I did,' says he. 'Which wan iv th' distinguished bunko
+steerers got ye'er invalu'ble suffrage?' says I. 'I didn't have none
+with me,' says he, 'but I voted f'r Charter Haitch,' says he. 'I've been
+with him in six ilictions,' says he, 'an' he's a good man,' he says.
+'D'ye think ye're votin' f'r th' best?' says I. 'Why, man alive,' I
+says, 'Charter Haitch was assassinated three years ago,' I says. 'Was
+he?' says Dugan. 'Ah, well, he's lived that down be this time. He was a
+good man,' he says.
+
+"Ye see, that's what thim rayform lads wint up again. If I liked
+rayformers, Hinnissy, an' wanted f'r to see thim win out wanst in their
+lifetime, I'd buy thim each a suit iv chilled steel, ar-rm thim with
+raypeatin' rifles, an' take thim east iv State Sthreet an' south iv
+Jackson Bullyvard. At prisint th' opinion that pre-vails in th' ranks iv
+th' gloryous ar-rmy iv rayform is that there ain't annything worth
+seein' in this lar-rge an' commodyous desert but th' pest-house an' the
+bridewell. Me frind Willum J. O'Brien is no rayformer. But Willum J.
+undherstands that there's a few hundherds iv thousands iv people livin'
+in a part iv th' town that looks like nawthin' but smoke fr'm th' roof
+iv th' Onion League Club that have on'y two pleasures in life, to wurruk
+an' to vote, both iv which they do at th' uniform rate iv wan dollar
+an' a half a day. That's why Willum J. O'Brien is now a sinitor an' will
+be an aldherman afther next Thursdah, an' it's why other people are
+sinding him flowers.
+
+"This is th' way a rayform candydate is ilicted. Th' boys down town has
+heerd that things ain't goin' r-right somehow. Franchises is bein'
+handed out to none iv thim; an' wanst in a while a mimber iv th' club,
+comin' home a little late an' thryin' to ricon-cile a pair iv r-round
+feet with an embroidered sidewalk, meets a sthrong ar-rm boy that pushes
+in his face an' takes away all his marbles. It begins to be talked that
+th' time has come f'r good citizens f'r to brace up an' do somethin',
+an' they agree to nomynate a candydate f'r aldherman. 'Who'll we put
+up?' says they. 'How's Clarence Doolittle?' says wan. 'He's laid up with
+a coupon thumb, an' can't r-run.' 'An' how about Arthur Doheny?' 'I
+swore an oath whin I came out iv colledge I'd niver vote f'r a man that
+wore a made tie.' 'Well, thin, let's thry Willie Boye.' 'Good,' says
+th' comity. 'He's jus' th' man f'r our money.' An' Willie Boye, after
+thinkin' it over, goes to his tailor an' ordhers three dozen pairs iv
+pants, an' decides f'r to be th' sthandard-bearer iv th' people. Musin'
+over his fried eyesthers an' asparagus an' his champagne, he bets a polo
+pony again a box of golf-balls he'll be ilicted unanimous; an' all th'
+good citizens make a vow f'r to set th' alar-rm clock f'r half-past
+three on th' afthernoon iv iliction day, so's to be up in time to vote
+f'r th' riprisintitive iv pure gover'mint.
+
+"'Tis some time befure they comprehind that there ar-re other candydates
+in th' field. But th' other candydates know it. Th' sthrongest iv
+thim--his name is Flannigan, an' he's a re-tail dealer in wines an'
+liquors, an' he lives over his establishment. Flannigan was nomynated
+enthusyastically at a prim'ry held in his bar-rn; an' before Willie Boye
+had picked out pants that wud match th' color iv th' Austhreelyan ballot
+this here Flannigan had put a man on th' day watch, tol' him to speak
+gently to anny ray-gistered voter that wint to sleep behind th' sthove,
+an' was out that night visitin' his frinds. Who was it judged th' cake
+walk? Flannigan. Who was it carrid th' pall? Flannigan. Who was it sthud
+up at th' christening? Flannigan. Whose ca-ards did th' grievin' widow,
+th' blushin' bridegroom, or th' happy father find in th' hack?
+Flannigan's. Ye bet ye'er life. Ye see Flannigan wasn't out f'r th' good
+iv th' community. Flannigan was out f'r Flannigan an' th' stuff.
+
+"Well, iliction day come around; an' all th' imminent frinds iv good
+gover'mint had special wires sthrung into th' club, an' waited f'r th'
+returns. Th' first precin't showed 28 votes f'r Willie Boye to 14 f'r
+Flannigan. 'That's my precin't,' says Willie. 'I wondher who voted thim
+fourteen?' 'Coachmen,' says Clarence Doolittle. 'There are thirty-five
+precin'ts in this ward,' says th' leader iv th' rayform ilimint. 'At
+this rate, I'm sure iv 440 meejority. Gossoon,' he says, 'put a keg iv
+sherry wine on th' ice,' he says. 'Well,' he says, 'at last th'
+community is relieved fr'm misrule,' he says. 'To-morrah I will start in
+arrangin' amindmints to th' tariff schedool an' th' ar-bitration
+threety,' he says. 'We must be up an' doin',' he says. 'Hol' on there,'
+says wan iv th' comity. 'There must be some mistake in this fr'm th'
+sixth precin't,' he says. 'Where's the sixth precin't?' says Clarence.
+'Over be th' dumps,' says Willie. 'I told me futman to see to that. He
+lives at th' corner iv Desplaines an Bloo Island Av'noo on Goose's
+Island,' he says. 'What does it show?' 'Flannigan, three hundherd an'
+eighty-five; Hansen, forty-eight; Schwartz, twinty; O'Malley, sivinteen;
+Casey, ten; O'Day, eight; Larsen, five; O'Rourke, three; Mulcahy, two;
+Schmitt, two; Moloney, two; Riordon, two; O'Malley, two; Willie Boye,
+wan.' 'Gintlemin,' says Willie Boye, arisin' with a stern look in his
+eyes, 'th' rascal has bethrayed me. Waither, take th' sherry wine off
+th' ice. They'se no hope f'r sound financial legislation this year. I'm
+goin' home.'
+
+"An', as he goes down th' sthreet, he hears a band play an' sees a
+procission headed be a calceem light; an', in a carredge, with his plug
+hat in his hand an' his di'mond makin' th' calceem look like a piece iv
+punk in a smoke-house, is Flannigan, payin' his first visit this side iv
+th' thracks."
+
+
+
+
+ON PATERNAL DUTY.
+
+
+"I'm havin' a time iv it with Terence," said Mr. Hennessy, despondently.
+
+"What's th' la-ad been doin'?" asked Mr. Dooley.
+
+"It ain't so much what he's doin'," Mr. Hennessy explained, "as what he
+ain't doin.' He ain't stayin' home iv nights, an' he ain't wurrukin';
+but he does be out on th' corner with th' Cromleys an' th' rest, dancin'
+jig steps an' whistlin' th' 'Rogue's March' whin a polisman goes by.
+Sure, I can do nawthin' with him, f'r he's that kind an' good at home
+that he'd melt th' heart iv a man iv stone. But it's gray me life is,
+thinkin' iv what's to become iv him whin he gets to be a man grown.
+Ye're lucky, Martin, that ye're childless."
+
+"Sure, I cudden't be anny other way, an' hold me good name," said Mr.
+Dooley. "An', whin I look about me sometimes, it's glad I am. They'se
+been times, perhaps--But lave that go. Is there somethin' in th' air or
+is it in oursilves that makes th' childher nowadays turn out to curse
+th' lives iv thim that give thim life? It may be in th' thrainin'. Whin
+I was a kid, they were brought up to love, honor, an' respect th' ol'
+folks, that their days might be long in th' land. Amen. If they didn't,
+th' best they cud do was to say nawthin' about it. 'Twas th' back iv th'
+hand an' th' sowl iv th' fut to th' la-ad that put his spoon first into
+th' stirabout. Between th' whalin's we got at school h'isted on th' back
+iv th' big boy that was bein' thrainned to be a Christyan brother an'
+th' thumpin's we got at home, we was kept sore an' sthraight fr'm wan
+year's end to another. 'Twas no mild doses they give us, ayether. I mind
+wanst, whin I was near as big as I am now, I handed back some onkind
+re-emarks to me poor father that's dead. May he rest in peace, per
+Dominum! He must iv been a small man, an' bent with wurruk an' worry.
+But did he take me jaw? He did not. He hauled off, an' give me a r-right
+hook where th' bad wurruds come fr'm. I put up a pretty fight, f'r me
+years; but th' man doesn't live that can lick his own father. He rowled
+me acrost an oat-field, an' I give up. I didn't love him anny too well
+f'r that lickin', but I respected him; an', if he'd come into this place
+to-night,--an' he'd be near a hundherd: he was born in th' year '98, an'
+pikes was hid in his cradle,--if he come in here to-night an' pulled me
+ear, I'd fear to go again him. I wud so.
+
+"'Tis th' other way about now. Did ye iver know a man be th' name iv
+Ahearn? Ye did not? Well, maybe he was befure yer time. He was a cobbler
+be thrade; but he picked up money be livin' off iv leather findings an'
+wooden pegs, an' bought pieces iv th' prairie, an' starved an' bought
+more, an' starved an' starved till his heart was shrivelled up like a
+washerwoman's hand. But he made money. An' th' more he made, th' more he
+wanted, an', wantin' nawthin' more, it come to him fr'm the divvle, who
+kept th' curse f'r his own time. This man Ahearn, whin he had acres an'
+acres on Halsted Sthreet, an' tinants be th' scoor that prayed at nights
+f'r him that he might live long an' taste sorrow, he marrid a girl. Her
+name was Ryan, a little, scared, foolish woman; an' she died whin a boy
+was bor-rn. Ahearn give her a solemn rayqueem high mass an' a monument
+at Calv'ry that ye can see fr'm th' fun'ral thrain. An' he come fr'm th'
+fun'ral with th' first smile on his face that anny man iver see there,
+an' th' baby in his ar-rms.
+
+"I'll not say Ahearn was a changed man. Th' love iv money was knitted
+into his heart; an', afther th' la-ad come, th' way he ground th' people
+that lived in his house was death an' destruction. 'I must provide f'r
+me own,' he said. But thim that was kind to th' kid cud break th' crust,
+an' all th' r-rough, hard-wurrkin' tenants paid f'r th' favors he give
+to th' ol' frauds an' beguilin' women that petted Dan'l O'Connell
+Ahearn. Nawthin' was too good f'r th' kid. He had nurses an' servants to
+wait on him. He had clothes that'd stock this ba-ar f'r a year. Whin he
+was old enough, he was sint to Saint Ignatyous. An' th' ol' man'd take
+him walkin' on a Sundah, an' pint out th' rows an' rows iv houses, with
+th' childher in front gazin' in awe at th' great man an' their fathers
+glowerin' fr'm the windows, an' say, 'Thim will all be yours whin ye
+grow up, Dan'l O'Connell, avick.'
+
+"Well, it didn't take an eye iv a witch to see that Dan'l O'Connell was
+a bor-rn idjet. They was no rale harm in th' poor la-ad, on'y he was
+lazy an' foolish an' sort iv tired like. To make a long story short,
+Hinnissy, his father thried ivrything f'r him, an' got nawthin.' He
+didn't dhrink much, he cared little f'r women, he liked to play ca-ards,
+but not f'r money. He did nawthin' that was bad; an' yet he was no good
+at all, at all,--just a slow, tired, aisy-goin', shamblin' la-ad,--th'
+sort that'd wrench th' heart iv a father like Ahearn. I dinnaw what he
+did fin'lly, but wan night he come into my place an' said he'd been
+turned out be his father an' wanted a place f'r to sleep. 'Ye'll sleep
+at home,' says I. 'Ye'er father sh'd take shame to himsilf,--him a rich
+man.' An' I put on me coat, an' wint over to Ahearn's. I was a power in
+th' wa-ard in thim days, an' feared no man alive. Th' ol' la-ad met us
+at th' dure. Whin I started to speak, he blazed up. 'Misther Dooley,'
+says he, 'my sorrows are me own. I'll keep thim here. As f'r ye,' he
+says, an' tur-rned like a tiger on th' boy an' sthruck him with his ol'
+leathery hand. Th' boy stood f'r a minyit, an' thin walked out, me with
+him. I niver see him since. We left Ahearn standin' there, as we used to
+say iv th' fox in th' ol' counthry, cornered between th' river an' th'
+wall."
+
+"Ye're lucky to be alone," said Mr. Hennessy as he left.
+
+"I think so," said Mr. Dooley. But there was no content upon his face as
+he watched a lounging oaf of a boy catch up with Mr. Hennessy, exchange
+a curtly affectionate greeting, and walk over to where Mrs. Hennessy
+could be seen reading the "Key of Heaven" beside the parlor stove.
+
+
+
+
+ON CRIMINALS.
+
+
+"Lord bless my sowl," said Mr. Dooley, "childher is a gr-reat
+risponsibility,--agr-reat risponsibility. Whin I think iv it, I praise
+th' saints I niver was married, though I had opporchunities enough whin
+I was a young man; an' even now I have to wear me hat low whin I go down
+be Cologne Sthreet on account iv th' Widow Grogan. Jawn, that woman'll
+take me dead or alive. I wake up in a col' chill in th' middle iv th'
+night, dhreamin' iv her havin' me in her clutches.
+
+"But that's not here or there, avick. I was r-readin' in th' pa-apers iv
+a lad be th' name iv Scanlan bein' sint down th' short r-road f'r near a
+lifetime; an' I minded th' first time I iver see him,--a bit iv a
+curly-haired boy that played tag around me place, an' 'd sing 'Blest
+Saint Joseph' with a smile on his face like an angel's. Who'll tell what
+makes wan man a thief an' another man a saint? I dinnaw. This here boy's
+father wur-rked fr'm morn till night in th' mills, was at early mass
+Sundah mornin' befure th' alkalis lit th' candles, an' niver knowed a
+month whin he failed his jooty. An' his mother was a sweet-faced little
+woman, though fr'm th' County Kerry, that nursed th' sick an' waked th'
+dead, an' niver had a hard thought in her simple mind f'r anny iv Gawd's
+creatures. Poor sowl, she's dead now. May she rest in peace!
+
+"He didn't git th' shtreak fr'm his father or fr'm his mother. His
+brothers an' sisters was as fine a lot as iver lived. But this la-ad
+Petey Scanlan growed up fr'm bein' a curly-haired angel f'r to be th'
+toughest villyun in th' r-road. What was it at all, at all? Sometimes I
+think they'se poison in th' life iv a big city. Th' flowers won't grow
+here no more thin they wud in a tannery, an' th' bur-rds have no song;
+an' th' childher iv dacint men an' women come up hard in th' mouth an'
+with their hands raised again their kind.
+
+"Th' la-ad was th' scoorge iv th' polis. He was as quick as a cat an' as
+fierce as a tiger, an' I well raymimber him havin' laid out big Kelly
+that used to thravel this post,--'Whistlin'' Kelly that kep' us awake
+with imitations iv a mockin' bur-rd,--I well raymimber him scuttlin' up
+th' alley with a score iv polismin laborin' afther him, thryin' f'r a
+shot at him as he wint around th' bar-rns or undher th' thrucks. He
+slep' in th' coal-sheds afther that until th' poor ol' man cud square it
+with th' loot. But, whin he come out, ye cud see how his face had
+hardened an' his ways changed. He was as silent as an animal, with a
+sideways manner that watched ivrything. Right here in this place I seen
+him stand f'r a quarther iv an' hour, not seemin' to hear a dhrunk man
+abusin' him, an' thin lep out like a snake. We had to pry him loose.
+
+"Th' ol' folks done th' best they cud with him. They hauled him out iv
+station an' jail an' bridewell. Wanst in a long while they'd dhrag him
+off to church with his head down: that was always afther he'd been
+sloughed up f'r wan thing or another. Between times th' polis give him
+his own side iv th' sthreet, an' on'y took him whin his back was
+tur-rned. Thin he'd go in the wagon with a mountain iv thim on top iv
+him, sway in' an' swearin' an' sthrikin' each other in their hurry to
+put him to sleep with their clubs.
+
+"I mind well th' time he was first took to be settled f'r good. I heerd
+a noise in th' ya-ard, an' thin he come through th' place with his face
+dead gray an' his lips just a turn grayer. 'Where ar-re ye goin',
+Petey?' says I. 'I was jus' takin' a short cut home,' he says. In three
+minyits th' r-road was full iv polismin. They'd been a robbery down in
+Halsted Sthreet. A man that had a grocery sthore was stuck up, an' whin
+he fought was clubbed near to death; an' they'd r-run Scanlan through
+th' alleys to his father's house. That was as far as they'd go. They was
+enough iv thim to've kicked down th' little cottage with their heavy
+boots, but they knew he was standin' behind th' dure with th' big gun in
+his hand; an', though they was manny a good lad there, they was none
+that cared f'r that short odds.
+
+"They talked an' palavered outside, an' telephoned th' chief iv polis,
+an' more pathrol wagons come up. Some was f'r settin' fire to th'
+buildin', but no wan moved ahead. Thin th' fr-ront dure opened, an' who
+shud come out but th' little mother. She was thin an' pale, an' she had
+her apron in her hands, pluckin' at it. 'Gintlemin,' she says, 'what is
+it ye want iv me?' she says. 'Liftinant Cassidy,' she says, ''tis
+sthrange f'r ye that I've knowed so long to make scandal iv me before me
+neighbors,' she says. 'Mrs. Scanlan,' says he, 'we want th' boy. I'm
+sorry, ma'am, but he's mixed up in a bad scrape, an' we must have him,'
+he says. She made a curtsy to thim, an' wint indures. 'Twas less than a
+minyit before she come out, clingin' to th' la-ad's ar-rm. 'He'll go,'
+she says. 'Thanks be, though he's wild, they'se no crime on his head. Is
+there, dear?' 'No,' says he, like th' game kid he is. Wan iv th'
+polismin stharted to take hold iv him, but th' la-ad pushed him back;
+an' he wint to th' wagon on his mother's ar-rm."
+
+"And was he really innocent?" Mr. McKenna asked.
+
+"No," said Mr. Dooley. "But she niver knowed it. Th' ol' man come home
+an' found her: she was settin' in a big chair with her apron in her
+hands an th' picture iv th' la-ad in her lap."
+
+
+
+
+ON A PLOT.
+
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "th' European situation is becomin' a little
+gay."
+
+"It 'tis so," said Mr. Hennessy. "If I was conthrollin' anny iv the
+gr-reat powers, I'd go down to th' Phosphorus an' take th' sultan be th'
+back iv th' neck an' give him wan, two, three. 'Tis a shame f'r him to
+be desthroyin' white people without anny man layin' hands on him. Th'
+man's no frind iv mine. He ought to be impeached an' thrun out."
+
+"Divvle take th' sultan," said Mr. Dooley. "It's little I care f'r him
+or th' likes iv him or th' Ar-menyans or th' Phosphorus. I was runnin'
+over in me mind about th' poor lads they have sloughed up beyant f'r
+attimptin' to blow up Queen Victorya an' th cza-ar iv Rooshia. Glory be,
+but they'se nawthin' in the wide wurruld as aisy to undherstand as a
+rivoluchonary plot be our own people. You'll see a lad iv th' right sort
+that'd niver open his head fr'm wan end iv th' year to th'other; but,
+whin he's picked out to go on a mission to London, he niver laves off
+talkin' till they put him aboord th' steamer. Here was Tynan. They say
+he had a hand in sindin' Lord Cavendish down th' toboggan, though I'd
+not thrust his own tellin' as far as th' len'th iv me ar-rm. Now he
+figured out that th' thrue way to free Ireland was to go over an' blow
+th' windows in Winzer Palace, an' incidentally to hist th' queen an' th'
+Rooshian cza-ar without th' aid iv th' elevator. What this here Tynan
+had again th' Rooshian cza-ar I niver heerd. But 'twas something awful,
+ye may be sure.
+
+"Well, th' first thing th' la-ads done was to go to Madison Square
+Garden an' hold a secret meetin', in which thim that was to hand th'
+package to th' queen and thim that was to toss a piece iv gas pipe to
+his cza-ars was told off. Thin a comity was sint around to th' newspaper
+offices to tell thim th' expedition was about to start. Th'
+conspirators, heavily disgeesed, was attinded to th' boat be a long
+procission. First come Tynan ridin' on a wagon-load iv nithroglycerine;
+thin th' other conspirators, with gas-pipe bombs an' picks an' chuvvels
+f'r tunnellin' undher Winzer Castle; thin th' Ah-o-haitches; thin th'
+raypoorthers; thin a brigade iv Scotland Ya-ard spies in th' ga-arb iv
+polismin. An' so off they wint on their secret mission, with th' band
+playin' 'Th' Wearin' iv th' Green,' an Tynan standin' on th' quarther
+deck, smilin' an' bowin' an' wavin' a bag iv jint powdher over his head.
+
+"No sooner had th' conspirators landed thin th' British gover'mint begun
+to grow suspicious iv thim. Tynan was shadowed be detictives in
+citizens' clothes; an', whin he was seen out in his backyard practisin'
+blowin' up a bar'l that he'd dhressed in a shawl an' a little lace cap,
+th' suspicions growed. Ivrywhere that Tynan wint he was purshooed be th'
+minions iv tyranny. Whin he visited th' house nex' dure to th' queen's,
+an' unloaded a dhray full iv explosives an' chuvvels, the fact was
+rayported to th' polis, who become exthremely vigilant. Th' detictives
+followed him to Scotland Yard, where he wint to inform th' captain iv
+th' conspiracy, an' overheard much damming ividence iv th' plot until
+they become more an' more suspicious that something was on, although
+what was th' intintions iv th' conspirators it was hard to make out fr'm
+their peculiar actions. Whin Tynan gathered his followers in Hyde Park,
+an' notified thim iv the positions they was to take and disthributed th'
+dinnymite among thim, th' detictives become decidedly suspicious. Their
+suspicions was again aroused whin Tynan asked permission iv th' common
+council to build a bay window up close to th' queen's bedroom. But th'
+time to act had not come, an' they continted thimselves with thrackin'
+him through th' sthreets an' takin' notes iv such suspicious remarks as
+'Anny wan that wants mementoes iv th' queen has on'y to be around this
+neighborhood nex' week with a shovel an' a basket,' an' 'Onless ye want
+ye'er clothes to be spoiled be th' czar, ye'd best carry umbrellas.' On
+th' followin' day Tynan took th' step that was needed f'r to con-vince
+th' gover'mint that he had designs on the monarchs. He wint to France.
+It's always been obsarved that, whin a dinnymiter had to blow up
+annything in London, he laves th' counthry. Th' polis, now thoroughly
+aroused, acted with commindable promptness. They arristed Tynan in
+Booloon f'r th' murdher iv Cavendish.
+
+"Thus," said Mr. Dooley, sadly, "thus is th' vengeance f'r which our
+beloved counthry has awaited so long delayed be th' hand iv
+onscrupulious tyranny. Sthrive as our heroes may, no secrecy is secure
+against th' corruption iv British goold. Oh, Ireland, is this to be thy
+fate forever? Ar-re ye niver to escape th' vigilance iv th' polis, thim
+cold-eyed sleuths that seem to read th' very thoughts iv ye'er pathriot
+sons?"
+
+"There must have been a spy in th' ranks," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Sure thing," said Mr. Dooley, winking at Mr. McKenna. "Sure thing,
+Hinnissy. Ayether that or th' accomplished detictives at Scotland Yards
+keep a close watch iv the newspapers. Or it may be--who knows?--that
+Tynan was indiscreet. He may have dhropped a hint of his intintions."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE NEW WOMAN.
+
+
+"Molly Donahue have up an' become a new woman!
+
+"It's been a good thing f'r ol' man Donahue, though, Jawn. He shtud
+ivrything that mortal man cud stand. He seen her appearin' in th' road
+wearin' clothes that no lady shud wear an' ridin' a bicycle; he was
+humiliated whin she demanded to vote; he put his pride under his ar-rm
+an' ma-arched out iv th' house whin she committed assault-an'-batthry on
+th' piannah. But he's got to th' end iv th' rope now. He was in here
+las' night, how-come-ye-so, with his hat cocked over his eye an' a look
+iv risolution on his face; an' whin he left me, he says, says he,
+'Dooley,' he says, 'I'll conquir, or I'll die,' he says.
+
+"It's been comin f'r months, but it on'y bust oh Donahue las' week. He'd
+come home at night tired out, an' afther supper he was pullin' off his
+boots, whin Mollie an' th' mother begun talkin' about th' rights iv
+females. ''Tis th' era iv th' new woman,' says Mollie. 'Ye're right,'
+says th' mother. 'What d'ye mean be the new woman?' says Donahue,
+holdin' his boot in his hand. 'Th' new woman,' says Mollie, ''ll be free
+fr'm th' opprision iv man,' she says. 'She'll wurruk out her own way,
+without help or hinderance,' she says. She'll wear what clothes she
+wants,' she says, 'an' she'll be no man's slave,' she says. 'They'll be
+no such thing as givin' a girl in marredge to a clown an' makin' her
+dipindant on his whims,' she says. 'Th' women'll earn their own livin','
+she says; 'an' mebbe,' she says, 'th' men'll stay at home an' dredge in
+th' house wurruk,' she says. 'A-ho,' says Donahue. 'An' that's th' new
+woman, is it?' he says. An' he said no more that night.
+
+"But th' nex' mornin' Mrs. Donahue an' Mollie come to his dure. 'Get
+up,' says Mrs. Donahue, 'an' bring in some coal,' she says. 'Ye drowsy
+man, ye'll be late f'r ye'er wurruk.' 'Divvle th' bit iv coal I'll
+fetch,' says Donahue. 'Go away an' lave me alone,' he says. 'Ye're
+inthruptin' me dreams.' 'What ails ye, man alive?' says Mrs. Donahue.
+'Get up.' 'Go away,' says Donahue, 'an lave me slumber,' he says. 'Th'
+idee iv a couple iv big strong women like you makin' me wurruk f'r ye,'
+he says. 'Mollie 'll bring in th' coal,' he says. 'An' as f'r you,
+Honoria, ye'd best see what there is in th' cupboord an' put it in ye'er
+dinner-pail,' he says. 'I heerd th' first whistle blow a minyit ago,' he
+says; 'an' there's a pile iv slag at th' mills that has to be wheeled
+off befure th' sup'rintindint comes around,' he says. 'Ye know ye can't
+afford to lose ye'er job with me in this dilicate condition,' he says.
+'I'm going to sleep now,' he says. 'An', Mollie, do ye bring me in a cup
+iv cocoa an' a pooched igg at tin,' he says. 'I ixpect me music-teacher
+about that time. We have to take a wallop out iv Wagner an' Bootoven
+befure noon.' 'Th' Lord save us fr'm harm,' says Mrs. Donahue. 'Th'
+man's clean crazy.' 'Divvle's th' bit,' says Donahue, wavin' his red
+flannel undhershirt in th' air. 'I'm the new man,' he says.
+
+"Well, sir, Donahue said it flured thim complete. They didn't know what
+to say. Mollie was game, an' she fetched in th' coal; but Mrs. Donahue
+got nervous as eight o'clock come around. 'Ye're not goin' to stay in
+bed all day an' lose ye'er job,' she says. 'Th' 'ell with me job,' says
+Donahue. 'I'm not th' man to take wurruk whin they'se industhrees women
+with nawthin' to do,' he says. 'Show me th' pa-apers,' he says. 'I want
+to see where I can get an eighty-cint bonnet f'r two and a half.' He's
+that stubborn he'd've stayed in bed all day, but th' good woman
+weakened. 'Come,' she says, 'don't be foolish,' she says. 'Ye wudden't
+have th' ol' woman wurrukin' in th' mills,' she says. ''Twas all a
+joke,' she says. 'Oh-ho, th' ol' woman!' he says. 'Th' ol' woman! Well,
+that's a horse iv another color,' he says. 'An' I don't mind tellin' ye
+th' mills is closed down to-day, Honoria.' So he dhressed himsilf an'
+wint out; an' says he to Mollie, he says: 'Miss Newwoman,' says he, 'ye
+may find wurruk enough around th' house,' he says. 'An', if ye have
+time, ye might paint th' stoop,' he says. 'Th' ol' man is goin' to take
+th' ol' woman down be Halsted Sthreet' an' blow himsilf f'r a new shawl
+f'r her.'
+
+"An' he's been that proud iv th' victhry that he's been a reg'lar
+customer f'r a week."
+
+
+
+
+ON EXPERT TESTIMONY.
+
+
+"Annything new?" said Mr. Hennessy, who had been waiting patiently for
+Mr. Dooley to put down his newspaper.
+
+"I've been r-readin' th' tistimony iv th' Lootgert case," said Mr.
+Dooley.
+
+"What d'ye think iv it?"
+
+"I think so," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"Think what?"
+
+"How do I know?" said Mr. Dooley. "How do I know what I think? I'm no
+combination iv chemist, doctor, osteologist, polisman, an'
+sausage-maker, that I can give ye an opinion right off th' bat. A man
+needs to be all iv thim things to detarmine annything about a murdher
+trile in these days. This shows how intilligent our methods is, as Hogan
+says. A large German man is charged with puttin' his wife away into a
+breakfas'-dish, an' he says he didn't do it. Th' on'y question, thin,
+is, Did or did not Alphonse Lootgert stick Mrs. L. into a vat, an'
+rayjooce her to a quick lunch? Am I right?"
+
+"Ye ar-re," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"That's simple enough. What th' coort ought to've done was to call him
+up, an' say: 'Lootgert, where's ye'er good woman?' If Lootgert cudden't
+tell, he ought to be hanged on gin'ral principles; f'r a man must keep
+his wife around th' house, an' whin she isn't there, it shows he's a
+poor provider. But, if Lootgert says, 'I don't know where me wife is,'
+the coort shud say: 'Go out, an' find her. If ye can't projooce her in a
+week, I'll fix ye.' An' let that be th' end iv it.
+
+"But what do they do? They get Lootgert into coort an' stand him up
+befure a gang iv young rayporthers an' th' likes iv thim to make
+pitchers iv him. Thin they summon a jury composed iv poor tired, sleepy
+expressmen an' tailors an' clerks. Thin they call in a profissor from a
+colledge. 'Profissor,' says th' lawyer f'r the State, 'I put it to ye if
+a wooden vat three hundherd an' sixty feet long, twenty-eight feet deep,
+an' sivinty-five feet wide, an' if three hundherd pounds iv caustic soda
+boiled, an' if the leg iv a guinea pig, an' ye said yestherdah about
+bi-carbonate iv soda, an' if it washes up an' washes over, an' th'
+slimy, slippery stuff, an' if a false tooth or a lock iv hair or a
+jawbone or a goluf ball across th' cellar eleven feet nine inches--that
+is, two inches this way an' five gallons that?' 'I agree with ye
+intirely,' says th' profissor. 'I made lab'ratory experiments in an'
+ir'n basin, with bichloride iv gool, which I will call soup-stock, an'
+coal tar, which I will call ir'n filings. I mixed th' two over a hot
+fire, an' left in a cool place to harden. I thin packed it in ice, which
+I will call glue, an' rock-salt, which I will call fried eggs, an'
+obtained a dark, queer solution that is a cure f'r freckles, which I
+will call antimony or doughnuts or annything I blamed please.'
+
+"'But,' says th' lawyer f'r th' State, 'measurin' th' vat with gas,--an'
+I lave it to ye whether this is not th' on'y fair test,--an' supposin'
+that two feet acrost is akel to tin feet sideways, an' supposin' that a
+thick green an' hard substance, an' I daresay it wud; an' supposin' you
+may, takin' into account th' measuremints,--twelve be eight,--th' vat
+bein' wound with twine six inches fr'm th' handle an' a rub iv th'
+green, thin ar-re not human teeth often found in counthry sausage?' 'In
+th' winter,' says th' profissor. 'But th' sisymoid bone is sometimes
+seen in th' fut, sometimes worn as a watch-charm. I took two sisymoid
+bones, which I will call poker dice, an' shook thim together in a
+cylinder, which I will call Fido, poored in a can iv milk, which I will
+call gum arabic, took two pounds iv rough-on-rats, which I rayfuse to
+call; but th' raysult is th' same.' Question be th' coort: 'Different?'
+Answer: 'Yis.' Th' coort: 'Th' same.' Be Misther McEwen: 'Whose bones?'
+Answer: 'Yis.' Be Misther Vincent: 'Will ye go to th' divvle?' Answer:
+'It dissolves th' hair.'
+
+"Now what I want to know is where th' jury gets off. What has that
+collection iv pure-minded pathrites to larn fr'm this here polite
+discussion, where no wan is so crool as to ask what anny wan else
+means? Thank th' Lord, whin th' case is all over, the jury'll pitch th'
+tistimony out iv th' window, an' consider three questions: 'Did Lootgert
+look as though he'd kill his wife? Did his wife look as though she ought
+to be kilt? Isn't it time we wint to supper?' An', howiver they answer,
+they'll be right, an' it'll make little difference wan way or th' other.
+Th' German vote is too large an' ignorant, annyhow."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE POPULARITY OF FIREMEN.
+
+
+"I knowed a man be th' name iv Clancy wanst, Jawn. He was fr'm th'
+County May-o, but a good man f'r all that; an', whin he'd growed to be a
+big, sthrappin' fellow, he wint on to th' fire departmint. They'se an
+Irishman 'r two on th' fire departmint an' in th' army, too, Jawn,
+though ye'd think be hearin' some talk they was all runnin' prim'ries
+an' thryin' to be cinthral comitymen. So ye wud. Ye niver hear iv thim
+on'y whin they die; an' thin, murther, what funerals they have!
+
+"Well, this Clancy wint on th' fire departmint, an' they give him a
+place in thruck twinty-three. All th' r-road was proud iv him, an' faith
+he was proud iv himsilf. He r-rode free on th' sthreet ca-ars, an' was
+th' champeen hand-ball player f'r miles around. Ye shud see him goin'
+down th' sthreet, with his blue shirt an' his blue coat with th' buttons
+on it, an' his cap on his ear. But ne'er a cap or coat'd he wear whin
+they was a fire. He might be shiv'rin' be th' stove in th' ingine house
+with a buffalo robe over his head; but, whin th' gong sthruck, 'twas off
+with coat an' cap an' buffalo robe, an' out come me brave Clancy,
+bare-headed an' bare hand, dhrivin' with wan line an' spillin' th' hose
+cart on wan wheel at ivry jump iv th' horse. Did anny wan iver see a
+fireman with his coat on or a polisman with his off? Why, wanst, whin
+Clancy was standin' up f'r Grogan's eighth, his son come runnin' in to
+tell him they was a fire in Vogel's packin' house. He dhropped th' kid
+at Father Kelly's feet, an' whipped off his long coat an' wint tearin'
+f'r th' dure, kickin' over th' poorbox an' buttin' ol' Mis' O'Neill
+that'd come in to say th' stations. 'Twas lucky 'twas wan iv th'
+Grogans. They're a fine family f'r falls. Jawn Grogan was wurrukin' on
+th' top iv Metzri an' O'Connell's brewery wanst, with a man be th' name
+iv Dorsey. He slipped an' fell wan hundherd feet. Whin they come to see
+if he was dead, he got up, an' says he: 'Lave me at him.' 'At who?'
+says they. 'He's deliryous,' they says. 'At Dorsey,' says Grogan. 'He
+thripped me.' So it didn't hurt Grogan's eighth to fall four 'r five
+feet.
+
+"Well, Clancy wint to fires an' fires. Whin th' big organ facthry burnt,
+he carrid th' hose up to th' fourth story an' was squirtin' whin th'
+walls fell. They dug him out with pick an' shovel, an' he come up fr'm
+th' brick an' boards an' saluted th' chief. 'Clancy,' says th' chief,
+'ye betther go over an' get a dhrink.' He did so, Jawn. I heerd it. An'
+Clancy was that proud!
+
+"Whin th' Hogan flats on Halsted Sthreet took fire, they got all th'
+people out but wan; an' she was a woman asleep on th' fourth flure.
+'Who'll go up?' says Bill Musham. 'Sure, sir,' says Clancy, 'I'll go';
+an' up he wint. His captain was a man be th' name iv O'Connell, fr'm th'
+County Kerry; an' he had his fut on th' ladder whin Clancy started.
+Well, th' good man wint into th' smoke, with his wife faintin' down
+below. 'He'll be kilt,' says his brother. 'Ye don't know him,' says
+Bill Musham. An' sure enough, whin ivry wan'd give him up, out comes me
+brave Clancy, as black as a Turk, with th' girl in his arms. Th' others
+wint up like monkeys, but he shtud wavin' thim off, an' come down th'
+ladder face forward. 'Where'd ye larn that?' says Bill Musham. 'I seen a
+man do it at th' Lyceem whin I was a kid,' says Clancy. 'Was it all
+right?' 'I'll have ye up before th' ol' man,' says Bill Musham. 'I'll
+teach ye to come down a laddher as if ye was in a quadhrille, ye
+horse-stealin', ham-sthringin' May-o man,' he says. But he didn't.
+Clancy wint over to see his wife. 'O Mike,' says she, ''twas fine,' she
+says. 'But why d'ye take th' risk?' she says. 'Did ye see th' captain?'
+he says with a scowl. 'He wanted to go. Did ye think I'd follow a Kerry
+man with all th' ward lukkin' on?' he says.
+
+"Well, so he wint dhrivin' th' hose-cart on wan wheel, an' jumpin' whin
+he heerd a man so much as hit a glass to make it ring. All th' people
+looked up to him, an' th' kids followed him down th' sthreet; an' 'twas
+th' gr-reatest priv'lige f'r anny wan f'r to play dominos with him near
+th' joker. But about a year ago he come in to see me, an' says he,
+'Well, I'm goin' to quit.' 'Why,' says I, 'ye'er a young man yet,' I
+says. 'Faith,' he says, 'look at me hair,' he says,--'young heart, ol'
+head. I've been at it these twinty year, an' th' good woman's wantin' to
+see more iv me thin blowin' into a saucer iv coffee,' he says. 'I'm
+goin' to quit,' he says, 'on'y I want to see wan more good fire,' he
+says. 'A rale good ol' hot wan,' he says, 'with th' win' blowin' f'r it
+an' a good dhraft in th' ilivator-shaft, an' about two stories, with
+pitcher-frames an' gasoline an' excelsior, an' to hear th' chief
+yellin': "Play 'way, sivinteen. What th' hell an' damnation are ye
+standin' aroun' with that pipe f'r? Is this a fire 'r a dam livin'
+pitcher? I'll break ivry man iv eighteen, four, six, an' chem'cal five
+to-morrah mornin' befure breakfast." Oh,' he says, bringin' his fist
+down, 'wan more, an' I'll quit.'
+
+"An' he did, Jawn. Th' day th' Carpenter Brothers' box factory burnt.
+'Twas wan iv thim big, fine-lookin' buildings that pious men built out
+iv celluloid an' plasther iv Paris. An' Clancy was wan iv th' men undher
+whin th' wall fell. I seen thim bringin' him home; an' th' little woman
+met him at th' dure, rumplin' her apron in her hands."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE GAME OF FOOTBALL.
+
+
+"Whin I was a young man," said Mr. Dooley, "an' that was a long time
+ago,--but not so long ago as manny iv me inimies'd like to believe, if I
+had anny inimies,--I played futball, but 'twas not th' futball I see
+whin th' Brothers' school an' th' Saint Aloysius Tigers played las' week
+on th' pee-raries.
+
+"Whin I was a la-ad, iv a Sundah afthernoon we'd get out in th' field
+where th' oats'd been cut away, an' we'd choose up sides. Wan cap'n'd
+pick one man, an' th' other another. 'I choose Dooley,' 'I choose
+O'Connor,' 'I choose Dimpsey,' 'I choose Riordan,' an' so on till there
+was twinty-five or thirty on a side. Thin wan cap'n'd kick th' ball, an'
+all our side'd r-run at it an' kick it back; an' thin wan iv th' other
+side'd kick it to us, an' afther awhile th' game'd get so timpischous
+that all th' la-ads iv both sides'd be in wan pile, kickin' away at wan
+or th' other or at th' ball or at th' impire, who was mos'ly a la-ad
+that cudden't play an' that come out less able to play thin he was whin
+he wint in. An', if anny wan laid hands on th' ball, he was kicked be
+ivry wan else an' be th' impire. We played fr'm noon till dark, an'
+kicked th' ball all th' way home in the moonlight.
+
+"That was futball, an' I was a great wan to play it. I'd think nawthin'
+iv histin' th' ball two hundherd feet in th' air, an' wanst I give it
+such a boost that I stove in th' ribs iv th' Prowtestant minister--bad
+luck to him, he was a kind man--that was lookin' on fr'm a hedge. I was
+th' finest player in th' whole county, I was so.
+
+"But this here game that I've been seein' ivry time th' pagan fistival
+iv Thanksgivin' comes ar-round, sure it ain't th' game I played. I seen
+th' Dorgan la-ad comin' up th' sthreet yestherdah in his futball
+clothes,--a pair iv matthresses on his legs, a pillow behind, a mask
+over his nose, an' a bushel measure iv hair on his head. He was followed
+be three men with bottles, Dr. Ryan, an' th' Dorgan fam'ly. I jined
+thim. They was a big crowd on th' peerary,--a bigger crowd than ye cud
+get to go f'r to see a prize fight. Both sides had their frinds that
+give th' colledge cries. Says wan crowd: 'Take an ax, an ax, an ax to
+thim. Hooroo, hooroo, hellabaloo. Christyan Bro-others!' an' th' other
+says, 'Hit thim, saw thim, gnaw thim, chaw thim, Saint Aloysius!' Well,
+afther awhile they got down to wurruk. 'Sivin, eighteen, two, four,'
+says a la-ad. I've seen people go mad over figures durin' th' free
+silver campaign, but I niver see figures make a man want f'r to go out
+an' kill his fellow-men befure. But these here figures had th' same
+effect on th' la-ads that a mintion iv Lord Castlereagh'd have on their
+fathers. Wan la-ad hauled off, an' give a la-ad acrost fr'm him a punch
+in th' stomach. His frind acrost th' way caught him in th' ear. Th'
+cinter rush iv th' Saint Aloysiuses took a runnin' jump at th' left lung
+iv wan iv th' Christyan Brothers, an' wint to th' grass with him. Four
+Christyan Brothers leaped most crooly at four Saint Aloysiuses, an'
+rolled thim. Th' cap'n iv th' Saint Aloysiuses he took th' cap'n iv th'
+Christyan Brothers be th' leg, an' he pounded th' pile with him as I've
+seen a section hand tamp th' thrack. All this time young Dorgan was
+standin' back, takin' no hand in th' affray. All iv a suddent he give a
+cry iv rage, an' jumped feet foremost into th' pile. 'Down!' says th'
+impire. 'Faith, they are all iv that,' says I, 'Will iver they get up?'
+'They will,' says ol' man Dorgan. 'Ye can't stop thim,' says he.
+
+"It took some time f'r to pry thim off. Near ivry man iv th' Saint
+Aloysiuses was tied in a knot around wan iv th' Christyan Brothers. On'y
+wan iv them remained on th' field. He was lyin' face down, with his nose
+in th' mud. 'He's kilt,' says I. 'I think he is,' says Dorgan, with a
+merry smile. 'Twas my boy Jimmy done it, too,' says he. 'He'll be
+arrested f'r murdher,' says I. 'He will not,' says he. 'There's on'y
+wan polisman in town cud take him, an' he's down town doin' th' same f'r
+somebody,' he says. Well, they carried th' corpse to th' side, an' took
+th' ball out iv his stomach with a monkey wrinch, an' th' game was
+ray-shumed. 'Sivin, sixteen, eight, eleven,' says Saint Aloysius; an'
+young Dorgan started to run down th' field. They was another young la-ad
+r-runnin' in fr-front iv Dorgan; an', as fast as wan iv th' Christyan
+Brothers come up an' got in th' way, this here young Saint Aloysius
+grabbed him be th' hair iv th' head an' th' sole iv th' fut, an' thrun
+him over his shoulder. 'What's that la-ad doin'?' says I. 'Interferin','
+says he. 'I shud think he was,' says I, 'an' most impudent,' I says.
+''Tis such interference as this,' I says, 'that breaks up fam'lies'; an'
+I come away.
+
+"'Tis a noble sport, an' I'm glad to see us Irish ar-re gettin' into it.
+Whin we larn it thruly, we'll teach thim colledge joods fr'm th' pie
+belt a thrick or two."
+
+"We have already," said Mr. Hennessy. "They'se a team up in Wisconsin
+with a la-ad be th' name iv Jeremiah Riordan f'r cap'n, an' wan named
+Patsy O'Dea behind him. They come down here, an' bate th' la-ads fr'm
+th' Chicawgo Colledge down be th' Midway."
+
+"Iv coorse, they did," said Mr. Dooley. "Iv coorse, they did. An' they
+cud bate anny collection iv Baptists that iver come out iv a tank."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE NECESSITY OF MODESTY AMONG THE RICH.
+
+
+"I wondher," said Mr. Hennessy, "if thim Hadley-Markhams that's goin' to
+give th' ball is anny kin iv th' aldherman?"
+
+"I doubt it," said Mr. Dooley. "I knowed all his folks. They're Monaghan
+people, an' I niver heerd iv thim marryin' into th' Hadleys, who come
+fr'm away beyant near th' Joynt's Causeway. What med ye think iv thim?"
+
+"I was readin' about th' Prowtestant minister that give thim such a
+turnin' over th' other night," said Hennessy. Then the Philistine went
+on: "It looks to me as though th' man was wr-rong, an' th'
+Hadley-Markhams was right. Faith, th' more th' poor can get out iv th'
+r-rich, th' better f'r thim. I seen it put just r-right in th' paper th'
+other day. If these people didn't let go iv their coin here, they'd take
+it away with thim to Paris or West Baden, Indiana, an' spind it instid
+iv puttin' it in circulation amongst th' florists an' dhressmakers an'
+hackmen they'll have to hire. I believe in encouragin' th' rich to walk
+away fr'm their change. 'Tis gr-reat f'r business."
+
+Mr. Dooley mused over this proposition some time before he said:--
+
+"Years ago, whin I was a little bit iv a kid, hardly high enough to look
+into th' pot iv stirabout on th' peat fire, they was a rich landlord in
+our part iv Ireland; an' he ownded near half th' counthryside. His name
+was Dorsey,--Willum Edmund Fitzgerald Dorsey, justice iv th' peace,
+mimber iv Parlymint.
+
+"I'll niver tell ye how much land that man had in his own r-right. Ye
+cud walk f'r a day without lavin' it, bog an' oat-field an' pasthure an'
+game presarves. He was smothered with money, an' he lived in a house as
+big as th' Audjitoroom Hotel. Manny's th' time I've seen him ride by our
+place, an' me father'd raise his head from th' kish iv turf an' touch
+his hat to th' gr-reat man. An' wanst or twict in th' month th' dogs'd
+come yelpin' acrost our little place, with lads follerin' afther in
+r-red coats; f'r this Dorsey was a gr-reat huntsman, bad scran to his
+evil face.
+
+"He had th' r-reputation iv bein' a good landlord so long as th' crops
+come regular. He was vilent, it's thrue, an' 'd as lave as not cut a
+farmer acrost th' face with his whip f'r crossin' th' thrail iv th' fox;
+but he was liberal with his money, an', Hinnissy, that's a thrait that
+covers a multitude iv sins. He give freely to th' church, an' was as
+gin'rous to th' priest as to th' parson. He had th' gintry f'r miles
+around to his big house f'r balls an' dinners an' huntin' meetin's, an'
+half th' little shopkeepers in th' neighborin' town lived on th' money
+he spent f'r th' things he didn't bring fr'm Dublin or London. I mind
+wanst a great roar wint up whin he stayed th' whole season in England
+with his fam'ly. It near broke th' townsfolk, an' they were wild with
+delight whin he come back an' opened up th' big house.
+
+"But wan year there come a flood iv rain, an' th nex' year another
+flood, an' th' third year there wasn't a lumper turned up that wasn't
+blue-black to th' hear-rt. We was betther off than most, an' we suffered
+our share, Gawd knows; but thim that was scrapin' th' sod f'r a bare
+livin' fr'm day to day perished like th' cattle in th' field.
+
+"Thin come th' writs an' th' evictions. Th' bailiffs dhrove out in
+squads, seizin' cattle an' turnin' people into th' r-road. Nawthin' wud
+soften th' hear-rt iv Dorsey. I seen th' priest an' th' 'Piscopal
+ministher dhrivin' over to plead with him wan night; an' th' good man
+stopped at our house, comin' back, an' spent th' night with us. I heerd
+him tell me father what Dorsey said. 'Haven't I been lib'ral with me
+people?' he says. 'Haven't I give freely to ye'er churches? Haven't I
+put up soup-houses an' disthributed blankets whin th' weather was cold?
+Haven't I kept th' shopkeepers iv th' town beyant fr'm starvin' be
+thradin' with thim an' stayin' in this cur-rsed counthry, whin, if I'd
+done what me wife wanted, I'd been r-runnin' around Europe, enj'yin'
+life? I'm a risidint landlord. I ain't like Kilduff, that laves his
+estate in th' hands iv an agint. I'm proud iv me station. I was bor-rn
+here, an' here I'll die; but I'll have me r-rights. These here people
+owes their rent, an' I'll get th' rent or th' farms if I have to call on
+ivry rig'mint fr'm Bombay to Cape Clear, an' turn ivry oat-field into a
+pasture f'r me cattle. I stand on th' law. I'm a just man, an' I ask no
+more thin what belongs to me.'
+
+"Ivry night they was a party on th' hill, an' th' people come fr'm miles
+around; an' th' tinants trudgin' over th' muddy roads with th' peelers
+behind thim cud see th' light poorin' out fr'm th' big house an' hear
+Devine's band playin' to th' dancers. Th' shopkeepers lived in clover,
+an' thanked th' lord f'r a good landlord, an' wan that lived at home.
+But one avnin' a black man be th' name iv Shaughnessy, that had thramped
+acrost th' hills fr'm Galway just in time to rent f'r th' potato rot,
+wint and hid himself in a hedge along th' road with a shotgun loaded
+with hardware under his coat. Dorsey'd heerd talk iv the people bein'
+aggrieved at him givin' big parties while his bailiffs were hustlin' men
+and women off their hold-in's; but he was a high-handed man, an' foolish
+in his pride, an' he'd have it no other way but that he'd go about
+without protection. This night he rode alongside th' carredge iv some iv
+his frinds goin' to th' other side iv town, an' come back alone in th'
+moonlight. Th' Irish ar-re poor marksmen, Hinnissy, except whin they
+fire in platoons; but that big man loomin' up in th' moonlight on a
+black horse cud no more be missed thin th' r-rock iv Cashel. He niver
+knowed what hit him; an' Pether th' Packer come down th' followin'
+month, an' a jury iv shopkeepers hanged Shaughnessy so fast it med even
+th' judge smile."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "I suppose he desarved it; but, if I'd been
+on th' jury, I'd've starved to death before I'd give th' verdict."
+
+"Thrue," said Mr. Dooley. "An' Dorsey was a fool. He might've evicted
+twinty thousan' tinants, an' lived to joke about it over his bottle.
+'Twas th' music iv th' band an' th' dancin' on th' hill an' th' lights
+th' Galway man seen whin he wint up th' muddy road with his babby in his
+arrums that done th' business f'r Dorsey."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE POWER OF LOVE.
+
+
+"'Twas this way," said Mr. Hennessy, sparring at Mr. Dooley. "Fitz led
+his right light on head, thin he stuck his thumb in Corbett's hear-rt,
+an' that was th' end iv th' fight an' iv Pompydour Jim. I tol' ye how it
+wud come out. Th' punch over th' hear-rt done th' business."
+
+"Not at all," said Mr. Dooley. "Not at all. 'Twas Mrs. Fitzsimmons done
+th' business. Did ye see the pitcher iv that lady? Did ye? Well,
+'twud've gone har-rd with th' lad if he'd lost th' fight in th' ring.
+He'd have to lose another at home. I'll bet five dollars that th' first
+lady iv th' land licks th' champeen without th' aid iv a stove lid. I
+know it.
+
+"As me good frind, Jawn Sullivan, says, 'tis a great comfort to have
+little reminders iv home near by whin ye're fightin'. Jawn had none,
+poor lad; an' that accounts f'r th' way he wint down at last. Th' home
+infloo-ence is felt in ivry walk iv life. Whin Corbett was poundin' th'
+first jintleman iv th' land like a man shinglin' a roof, th' first lady
+iv th' land stood in th' corner, cheerin' on th' bruised an' bleedin'
+hero. 'Darlin'' she says, 'think iv ye'er home, me love. Think,' she
+says, 'iv our little child larnin' his caddychism in Rahway, New
+Jersey,' she says. 'Think iv th' love I bear ye,' she says, 'an' paste
+him,' she says, 'in th' slats. Don't hit him on th' jaw,' she says.
+'He's well thrained there. But tuck ye'er lovin' hooks into his diseased
+an' achin' ribs,' she says. 'Ah, love!' she says, 'recall thim happy
+goolden days iv our coortship, whin we walked th' counthry lane in th'
+light iv th' moon,' she says, 'an hurl yer maulies into his hoops,' she
+says. 'Hit him on th' slats!' An' Fitz looked over his shoulder an' seen
+her face, an' strange feelin's iv tendherness come over him; an' thinks
+he to himself: 'What is so good as th' love iv a pure woman? If I don't
+nail this large man, she'll prob'ly kick in me head.' An' with this
+sacred sintimint in his heart he wint over an' jolted Corbett wan over
+th' lathes that retired him to th' home f'r decayed actors.
+
+"'Twas woman's love that done it, Hinnissy. I'll make a bet with ye
+that, if th' first lady iv th' land had been in th' ring instead iv th'
+first jintleman, Corbett wudden't have lasted wan r-round. I'd like to
+have such a wife as that. I'd do th' cookin', an' lave th' fightin' to
+her. There ought to be more like her. Th' throuble with th' race we're
+bringin' up is that th' fair sect, as Shakespeare calls thim, lacks
+inthrest in their jooty to their husbands. It's th' business iv men to
+fight, an' th' business iv their wives f'r to make thim fight. Ye may
+talk iv th' immyrality iv nailin' a man on th' jaw, but 'tis in this way
+on'y that th' wurruld increases in happiness an' th' race in strenth.
+Did ye see annywan th' other day that wasn't askin' to know how th'
+fight come out? They might say that they re-garded th' exhibition as
+brutal an' disgustin', but divvle a wan iv thim but was waitin' around
+th' corner f'r th' rayturns, an' prayin' f'r wan or th' other iv th'
+big lads. Father Kelly mentioned th' scrap in his sermon last Sundah. He
+said it was a disgraceful an' corruptin' affair, an' he was ashamed to
+see th' young men iv th' parish takin' such an inthrest in it in Lent.
+But late Winsdah afthernoon he came bust-lin' down th' sthreet. 'Nice
+day,' he says. It was poorin' rain. 'Fine,' says I. 'They was no parade
+to-day,' he says. 'No,' says I. 'Too bad,' says he; an' he started to
+go. Thin he turned, an' says he: 'Be th' way, how did that there foul
+an' outhrajous affray in Carson City come out?' 'Fitz,' says I, 'in th'
+fourteenth.' 'Ye don't say,' he says, dancin' around. 'Good,' he says.
+'I told Father Doyle this mornin' at breakfuss that if that red-headed
+man iver got wan punch at th' other lad, I'd bet a new cassock--Oh,
+dear!' he says, 'what am I sayin'?' 'Ye're sayin',' says I, 'what
+nine-tenths iv th' people, laymen an' clargy, are sayin',' I says.
+'Well,' he says, 'I guess ye're right.' he says. 'Afther all,' he says,
+'an' undher all, we're mere brutes; an' it on'y takes two lads more
+brutal than th' rest f'r to expose th' sthreak in th' best iv us. Foorce
+rules th' wurruld, an' th' churches is empty whin th' blood begins to
+flow.' he says. 'It's too bad, too bad.' he says. 'Tell me, was Corbett
+much hurted?' he says."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE VICTORIAN ERA.
+
+
+"Ar-re ye goin' to cillybrate th' queen's jubilee?" asked Mr. Dooley.
+
+"What's that?" demanded Mr. Hennessy, with a violent start.
+
+"To-day," said Mr. Dooley, "her gracious Majesty Victorya, Queen iv
+Great Britain an' that part iv Ireland north iv Sligo, has reigned f'r
+sixty long and tiresome years."
+
+"I don't care if she has snowed f'r sixty years," said Mr. Hennessy.
+"I'll not cillybrate it. She may be a good woman f'r all I know, but dam
+her pollytics."
+
+"Ye needn't be pro-fane about it," said Mr. Dooley. "I on'y ast ye a
+civil question. F'r mesilf, I have no feelin' on th' subject. I am not
+with th' queen an' I'm not again her. At th' same time I corjally agree
+with me frind Captain Finerty, who's put his newspaper in mournin' f'r
+th' ivint. I won't march in th' parade, an' I won't put anny dinnymite
+undher thim that does. I don't say th' marchers an' dinnymiters ar-re
+not both r-right. 'Tis purely a question iv taste, an', as the ixicutive
+says whin both candydates are mimbers iv th' camp, 'Pathrites will use
+their own discreetion.'
+
+"Th' good woman niver done me no har-rm; an', beyond throwin' a rock or
+two into an orangey's procission an' subscribin' to tin dollars' worth
+iv Fenian bonds, I've threated her like a lady. Anny gredge I iver had
+again her I burrid long ago. We're both well on in years, an' 'tis no
+use carrying har-rd feelin's to th' grave. About th' time th' lord
+chamberlain wint over to tell her she was queen, an' she came out in her
+nitey to hear th' good news, I was announced into this wurruld iv sin
+an' sorrow. So ye see we've reigned about th' same lenth iv time, an' I
+ought to be cillybratin' me di'mon' jubilee. I wud, too, if I had anny
+di'mon's. Do ye r-run down to Aldherman O'Brien's an' borrow twinty or
+thirty f'r me.
+
+"Great happenin's have me an' Queen Victorya seen in these sixty years.
+Durin' our binificent prisince on earth th' nations have grown r-rich
+an' prosperous. Great Britain has ixtinded her domain until th' sun
+niver sets on it. No more do th' original owners iv th' sile, they bein'
+kept movin' be th' polis. While she was lookin' on in England, I was
+lookin' on in this counthry. I have seen America spread out fr'm th'
+Atlantic to th' Pacific, with a branch office iv the Standard Ile
+Comp'ny in ivry hamlet. I've seen th' shackles dropped fr'm th' slave,
+so's he cud be lynched in Ohio. I've seen this gr-reat city desthroyed
+be fire fr'm De Koven Sthreet to th' Lake View pumpin' station, and thin
+rise felix-like fr'm its ashes, all but th' West Side, which was not
+burned. I've seen Jim Mace beat Mike McCool, an' Tom Allen beat Jim
+Mace, an' somebody beat Tom Allen, an' Jawn Sullivan beat him, an'
+Corbett beat Sullivan, an' Fitz beat Corbett; an', if I live to
+cillybrate me goold-watch-an'-chain jubilee, I may see some wan put it
+all over Fitz.
+
+"Oh, what things I've seen in me day an' Victorya's! Think iv that
+gran' procission iv lithry men,--Tinnyson an' Longfellow an' Bill Nye
+an' Ella Wheeler Wilcox an' Tim Scanlan an'--an' I can't name thim all:
+they're too manny. An' th' brave gin'rals,--Von Molkey an' Bismarck an'
+U.S. Grant an' gallant Phil Shurdan an' Coxey. Think iv thim durin' me
+reign. An' th' invintions,--th' steam-injine an' th' printin'-press an'
+th' cotton-gin an' the gin sour an' th' bicycle an' th' flyin'-machine
+an' th' nickel-in-th'-slot machine an' th' Croker machine an' th' sody
+fountain an'--crownin' wurruk iv our civilization--th' cash raygisther.
+What gr-reat advances has science made in my time an' Victorya's! f'r,
+whin we entered public life, it took three men to watch th' bar-keep,
+while to-day ye can tell within eight dollars an hour what he's took in.
+
+"Glory be, whin I look back fr'm this day iv gin'ral rejoicin' in me
+rhinestone jubilee, an' see what changes has taken place an' how manny
+people have died an' how much betther off th' wurruld is, I'm proud iv
+mesilf. War an' pest'lence an' famine have occurred in me time, but I
+count thim light compared with th' binifits that have fallen to th' race
+since I come on th' earth."
+
+"What ar-re ye talkin' about?" cried Mr. Hennessy, in deep disgust. "All
+this time ye've been standin' behind this bar ladlin' out disturbance to
+th' Sixth Wa-ard, an' ye haven't been as far east as Mitchigan Avnoo in
+twinty years. What have ye had to do with all these things?"
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I had as much to do with thim as th' queen."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE CURRENCY QUESTION.
+
+
+"There's some tough knots in this here currency question," said Mr.
+McKenna. "A lot of things I don't quite catch."
+
+"Cough thim up," said Mr. Dooley. "I'm a reg'lar caddychism iv coinage.
+Who made ye? Gawd made me. Why did he make ye? F'r to know Him, love
+Him, an' sarve Him all me days. That's th' way iv th' caddychism I
+learned whin I was a la-ad behind a hedge; but now 'tis: Who made ye?
+Ladenburg, Thalman an' Comp'ny made me. Why did they make ye? F'r to
+know thim, love thim, an' sarve thim all me days. O-ho!"
+
+"That's all r-right," said Mr. Thomas Larkin, the Kerry horseshoer, who
+was leaning over the cigar-case, reading what Mr. Lincoln, Mr. Blaine,
+Mr. Edward Atkinson, and Mr. Andrew D. White had to say in a small
+pamphlet. "That's all r-right, Martin. But ye're talkin' like a Populist
+an' an anarchist an' a big bullhead gen'rally. Ye bring up two or three
+Jew men, an' think f'r to scare us with thim. But look here. Supposin' a
+man comes into my place an' lays down on th' anvil a silver dollar, an'
+I give it a wallop with me hammer"--
+
+"Thin," said Mr. Dooley, "ye're knockin' th' gover'mint."
+
+"How am I?" said Mr. Larkin. "Niver mind now: I take this here silver
+dollar, an' I fetch it wan with me hammer. What happens?"
+
+"Th' man that give ye th' dollar hands ye wan in th' nose," said Mr.
+Dooley.
+
+"Not at all, not at--all," said Mr. Larkin. "I take this here mutilated
+an' disfigured an' bum dollar down to th' three-asury, an' I hand it in;
+an' Carlisle says, 'What kind iv an ol' piece iv mud is this ye're
+flingin' at me?' he says. 'Take it away: it's nawthin' to me.'"
+
+"True for you, Larkin," said Mr. McKenna. "You're on the right track.
+Carlisle couldn't take it after you'd smashed it."
+
+"But," said Mr. Dooley, "look here: if ye had th' free an' unlimited
+coinage iv silver at a ratio iv sixteen to wan, ye cud take this here
+mass iv silver down to Carlisle, an' say, 'Here, Jawn, give me a
+dollar'; an' he'd have to give it to ye."
+
+"A dollar of what?" said Mr. McKenna.
+
+"A dollar iv what?" repeated Mr. Dooley. "A dollar iv what? Man alive,
+don't ye know what a dollar is? Carlisle'd hand him out a plunk, a case,
+a buck. He'd say, 'Here, Larkin, ye're a dam fool to be malthreatin' th'
+currincy iv yer adophted counthry, but I have to give ye a dollar
+because ye're a good fellow an' a frind iv Dooley's.'"
+
+"He wouldn't say anything of the kind," said Mr. McKenna. "He'd give
+Larkin fifty cents."
+
+"I'd push his face in if he did," said Mr. Larkin, warmly. "I'm as good
+a ma-an as he is anny day. I'll have no man rob me."
+
+"But he wouldn't rob you," said Mr. McKenna. "Think of the purchasing
+power: you've got to always figure that out. A dollar you'd get then
+would be worth only half as much as it's worth now. It'd be a dollar
+like they run through the ringer down in Mexico."
+
+"How can wan dollar be worth on'y half as much as another dollar, if
+they're both dollars an' th' man that made thim is at la-arge?" answered
+Mr. Dooley. "Here's a dollar, an' here's a dollar. Wan akels th' other.
+Now you take this here dollar, an' come into my place. 'Give me a brandy
+an' sody,' ye say. Thin what do I say?"
+
+"You say you're just out of brandy and soda."
+
+"So I do, so I do. Thin you ask f'r a little liquor with beer f'r a
+chaser. An' I give it to ye. Ye lay down wan iv these here quartz
+dollars. I return eighty-five cints. Larkin comes in later, ordhers th'
+same thing, an' I give him th' same threatment. I play no fav-rites.
+Entertainmint f'r man an' beast."
+
+"But, if we had free silver, you'd charge thirty cents for the drink,"
+said Mr. McKenna.
+
+"I wud not," said Mr. Dooley, hotly. "I niver overcharged a man in my
+life, except durin' a campaign."
+
+"No one accuses you of overcharging," explained Mr. McKenna. "Everybody
+would charge the same. It'd be the regular price."
+
+"If it was," said Mr. Dooley, "they'd be a rivolution. But I don't
+believe it, Jawn. Let me tell ye wan thing. Whisky is th' standard iv
+value. It niver fluctuates; an' that's funny, too, seein' that so much
+iv it goes down. It was th' same price--fifteen cints a slug, two f'r a
+quarther--durin' the war; an' it was th' same price afther the war. The
+day befure th' crime iv sivinty-three it was worth fifteen cints: it was
+worth th' same th' day afther. Goold and silver fluctuates, up wan day,
+down another; but whisky stands firm an' strong, unchangeable as th'
+skies, immovable as a rock at fifteen or two f'r a quarther. If they
+want something solid as a standard iv value, something that niver is
+rajjooced in price, something ye can exchange f'r food an' other
+luxuries annywhere in th' civilized wurruld where man has a thirst,
+they'd move th' Mint over to th' internal rivinue office, and lave it
+stay there."
+
+Both Mr. Larkin and Mr. McKenna were diverted by this fancy.
+
+"There's some good argumints on both sides iv th' quisthion," said the
+Kerry man. "I heerd a man be th' name of Doyle, a helper, compare money
+to th' human lungs."
+
+"Th' lung argumint is all right," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' whole currency
+question is a matther iv lungs."
+
+
+
+
+ON POLITICAL PARADES.
+
+
+Mr. Hennessy, wearing a silver-painted stovepipe hat and a silver cape
+and carrying a torch, came in, looking much the worse for wear. The hat
+was dented, the cape was torn, and there were marks on Mr. Hennessy's
+face.
+
+"Where ye been?" asked Mr. Dooley.
+
+"Ma-archin,'" said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Be th' looks iv ye, ye might have been th' line iv ma-arch f'r th'
+p'rade. Who's been doin' things to ye?"
+
+"I had a currency debate with a man be th' name iv Joyce, a towny iv
+mine, in th' Audjiotoroom Hotel," said Mr. Hennessy. "Whin we got as far
+as th' price iv wheat in th' year iv th' big wind, we pushed each other.
+Give me a high glass iv beer. I'm as dhry as a gravel roof."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, handing over the glass, "ye're an ol' man; an',
+as th' good book says, an ol' fool is th' worst yet. So I'll not thry to
+con-vince ye iv th' error iv ye'er ways. But why anny citizen that has
+things in his head shud dhress himself up like a sandwich-man, put a
+torch on his shoulder, an' toddle over this blessid town with his poor
+round feet, is more than I can come at with all me intelligence.
+
+"I agree with ye perfectly, Hinnissy, that this here is a crisis in our
+histhry. On wan hand is arrayed th' Shylocks an' th' pathrites, an' on
+th' other side th' pathrites an' th' arnychists. Th' Constitution must
+be upheld, th' gover'mint must be maintained, th' down-throdden farmer
+an' workin'man must get their rights. But do ye think, man alive, that
+ye're goin' to do this be pourin' lard ile frim ye'er torch down ye'er
+spine or thrippin' over sthreet-car tracks like a dhray-horse thryin' to
+play circus? Is th' Constitution anny safer to-night because ye have to
+have ye'er leg amputated to get ye'er boot off, or because Joyce has
+made ye'er face look like th' back dure-step iv a German resthrant?
+
+"Jawnny Mack took me down in th' afthernoon f'r to see th' monsthrous
+p'rade iv th' goold men. It was a gloryous spectacle. Th' sthreets were
+crowded with goold bugs an' women an' polismin an' ambulances. Th'
+procission was miles an' miles long. Labor an' capital marched side be
+side, or annyhow labor was in its usual place, afther th' capitalists.
+It was a noble sight f'r to see th' employer iv workin'men marchin'
+ahead iv his band iv sturdy toilers that to rest thimsilves afther th'
+layboryous occupations iv th' week was reelin' undher banners that
+dhrilled a hole in their stomachs or carryin' two-be-four joists to show
+their allegance to th' naytional honor. A man that has to shovel coke
+into a dhray or shove lumber out iv th' hole iv a barge or elevate his
+profession be carryin' a hod iv mort to th' top iv a laddher doesn't
+march with th' grace iv an antelope, be a blamed sight. To march well, a
+man's feet have to be mates; an', if he has two left feet both runnin'
+sideways, he ought to have interference boots to keep him fr'm settin'
+fire to his knees. Whin a man walks as if he expected to lave a leg
+stuck in th' sthreet behind him, he has th' gait proper f'r half-past
+six o'clock th' avenin' before pay-day. But 'tis not th' prance iv an
+American citizen makin' a gloryous spectacle iv himsilf."
+
+"They were coerced," said Mr. Hennessy, gloomily.
+
+"Don't ye believe it," replied the philosopher. "It niver requires
+coercion to get a man to make a monkey iv himsilf in a prisidintial
+campaign. He does it as aisily as ye dhrink ye'er liquor, an' that's too
+aisy. Don't ye believe thim lads with lumber ya-ards on their necks an'
+bar'ls on their feet was coerced. There wasn't wan iv thim that wudden't
+give his week's wages f'r a chanst to show how many times he cud thrip
+over a manhole in a mile. No more coerced than ye are whin ye r-run down
+town an' make an ape iv ye-ersilf. I see ye marchin' away fr'm
+Finucane's with th' Willum J. O'Briens. Th' man nex' to ye had a banner
+declarin' that he was no slave. 'Twas th' la-ad Johnson. He was
+r-right. He is no slave, an' he won't be wan as long as people have
+washin' to give to his wife. Th' man I see ye takin' a dhrink with had a
+banner that said if th' mines was opened th' mills would be opened, too.
+He meant be that, that if money was plenty enough f'r him to get some
+without wurrukin', he'd open a gin mill. An' ye ma-arched afther Willum
+J. O'Brien, didn't ye? Well, he's a good la-ad. If I didn't think so, I
+wudden't say it until I got me strenth back or cud buy a gun. But did
+Willum J. O'Brien march? Not Willie. He was on horseback; an', Hinnissy,
+if dollars was made out iv Babbit metal, an' horses was worth
+sixty-sivin cints a dhrove, ye cudden't buy a crupper."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "annyhow, I proved me hathred iv capital."
+
+"So ye did," said Mr. Dooley. "So ye did. An' capital this afthernoon
+showed its hatred iv ye. Ye ought to match blisters to see which hates
+th' worst. Capital is at home now with his gams in a tub iv hot wather;
+an' whin he comes down to-morrah to oppriss labor an' square his
+protisted notes, he'll have to go on all fours. As f'r you, Hinnissy, if
+'twill aise ye anny, ye can hang f'r a few minyits fr'm th' gas
+fixtures. Did th' goold Dimmycrats have a p'rade?"
+
+"No," said Mr. Hennessy. "But they rayviewed th' day procission fr'm th'
+Pammer House. Both iv thim was on th' stand."
+
+
+
+
+ON CHARITY.
+
+
+"Br-r-r!" cried Mr. McKenna, entering stiffly and spreading his hands
+over the potbellied stove. "It's cold."
+
+"Where?" asked Mr. Dooley. "Not here."
+
+"It's cold outside," said Mr. McKenna. "It was ten below at Shannahan's
+grocery when I went by, and the wind blowing like all possessed. Lord
+love us, but I pity them that's got to be out to-night."
+
+"Save ye'er pity," said Mr. Dooley, comfortably. "It ain't cowld in
+here. There's frost on th' window, 'tis thrue for ye; an' th' wheels has
+been singin' th' livelong day. But what's that to us? Here I am, an'
+there ye are, th' stove between us an' th' kettle hummin'. In a minyit
+it'll bile, an' thin I'll give ye a taste iv what'll make a king iv ye.
+
+"Well, tubby sure, 'tis thryin' to be dhrivin' a coal wagon or a
+sthreet-car; but 'tis all in a lifetime. Th' diff'rence between me an'
+th' man that sets up in th' seat thumpin' his chest with his hands is no
+more thin th' diff'rence between him an' th' poor divvle that walks
+along behind th' wagon with his shovel on his shoulder, an' 'll thank
+th' saints f'r th' first chanst to put tin ton iv ha-ard coal into a
+cellar f'r a quarther iv a dollar. Th' lad afoot invies th' dhriver, an'
+th' dhriver invies me; an' I might invy big Cleveland if it wasn't f'r
+th' hivinly smell iv this here noggin. An' who does Cleveland invy?
+Sure, it'd be sacreliege f'r me to say.
+
+"Me ol' father, who was as full iv sayin's as an almanac, used to sink
+his spoon into th' stirabout, an' say, 'Well, lads, this ain't bacon an'
+greens an' porther; but it'll be annything ye like if ye'll on'y think
+iv th' Cassidys.' Th' Cassidys was th' poorest fam'ly in th' parish.
+They waked th' oldest son in small beer, an' was little thought of. Did
+me father iver ask thim in to share th' stirabout? Not him. An' he was
+the kindest man in th' wurruld. He had a heart in him as big as a lump
+iv turf, but he'd say, 'Whin ye grow up, take no wan's sorrows to
+ye'ersilf,' he says. ''Tis th' wise man that goes through life thinkin'
+iv himsilf, fills his own stomach, an' takes away what he can't ate in
+his pocket.' An' he was r-right, Jawn. We have throubles enough iv our
+own. Th' wurruld goes on just th' same, an' ye can find fifty men to say
+th' lit'ny f'r ye to wan that'll give ye what'll relieve a fastin' spit.
+Th' dead ar-re always pop'lar. I knowed a society wanst to vote a
+monyment to a man an' refuse to help his fam'ly, all in wan night. 'Tis
+cowld outside th' dure, ye say, but 'tis war-rum in here; an' I'm
+gettin' in me ol' age to think that the diff'rence between hivin an'
+hell is no broader"--
+
+Mr. Dooley's remarks were cut short by a cry from the back room. It was
+unmistakably a baby's cry. Mr. McKenna turned suddenly in amazement as
+Mr. Dooley bolted.
+
+"Well, in the name of the saints, what's all this?" he cried, following
+his friend into the back room. He found the philosopher, with an
+expression of the utmost sternness, sitting on the side of his bed, with
+a little girl of two or three in his arms. The philosopher was
+singing:----
+
+   Ar-rah rock-a-bye, babby, on th' three top:
+   Whin th' wind blo-ows, th' cradle ull r-rock;
+   An', a-whin th' bough breaks, th' cradle ull fa-a-a-ll,
+   An' a-down ull come babby, cradle, an' all.
+
+Then he sang:----
+
+   In th' town iv Kilkinny there du-wilt a fair ma-aid,
+   In th' town iv Kilkinny there du-wilt a fair ma-aid.
+   She had cheeks like th' roses, an' hair iv th' same,
+   An' a mouth like ripe sthrawburries burrid in crame.
+
+He rocked the child to and fro, and its crying ceased while he sang:----
+
+   Chip, chip, a little horse;
+       Chip, chip, again, sir.
+   How manny miles to Dublin?
+       Threescure an' tin, sir.
+
+The little girl went to sleep on Mr. Dooley's white apron. He lifted her
+tenderly, and carried her over to his bed. Then he tiptoed out with an
+apprehensive face, and whispered: "It's Jawn Donahue's kid that wandherd
+away fr'm home, an' wint to sleep on me dure-step. I sint th' Dorsey boy
+to tell th' mother, but he's a long time gone. Do ye run over, Jawn, an'
+lave thim know."
+
+
+
+
+ON NANSEN.
+
+
+"I see," said Mr. Dooley, "that Doc Nansen has come back."
+
+"Yes," said Mr. McKenna. "It's a wonder he wouldn't stay till winter. If
+I was setting on an iceberg in latitude umpty-ump north of Evanston
+these days, they couldn't pry me off it with a crowbar. Not they."
+
+"He had to come back," explained Mr. Hennessy. "He got as far as he cud,
+an' thin he was foorced be th' inclimincy iv th' weather to return to
+his home in Feechoold, Norway."
+
+"To where?" Mr. Dooley asked contemptuously.
+
+"To Foocheeld, Norway," said Mr. Hennessy, with some misgivings.
+
+"Ye don't know what ye're talkin' about," retorted the philosopher. "Ye
+ought to go back to school an' study gee-ography. Th' place he come back
+to was Oostoc, Norway, between Coopenhaagen an'--an' Rogers Park."
+
+"Maybe ye're right," said Mr. Hennessy. "Annyhow, he come back, chased
+be a polar bear. It must iv been a thrillin' experience, leppin' fr'm
+iceberg to iceberg, with a polar bear grabbin' at th' seat iv his pants,
+an' now an' thin a walrus swoopin' down fr'm a three an' munchin' his
+hat."
+
+"What ta-alk have ye?" Mr. Dooley demanded. "A walrus don't fly, foolish
+man!"
+
+"What does he do, thin?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Go 'round on crutches?"
+
+"A walrus," said Mr. Dooley, "is an animal something like a hor-rse, but
+more like a balloon. It doesn't walk, swim, or fly. It rowls whin
+pur-suin' its prey. It whirls 'round an' 'round at a speed akel to a
+railroad injine, meltin' th' ice in a groove behind it. Tame walruses
+are used be th' Eskeemyoos, th' old settlers iv thim parts, as
+lawnmowers an' to press their clothes. Th' wild walrus is a mos' vicious
+animal, which feeds on snowballs through th' day, an' thin goes out iv
+nights afther artic explorers, which for-rms its principal diet. Theyse
+a gr-reat demand among walruses f'r artic explorers, Swedes preferred;
+an' on account iv th' scarcity iv this food it isn't more than wanst in
+twinty years that th' walrus gets a square meal. Thin he devours his
+victim, clothes, collar-buttons, an' all."
+
+"Well, well," said Mr. Hennessy. "I had no idee they was that ferocious.
+I thought they were like bur-rds. Don't they lay eggs?"
+
+"Don't they lay eggs?" Mr. Dooley replied. "Don't they lay eggs? Did ye
+iver hear th' like iv that, Jawn? Why, ye gaby, ye might as well ask me
+does a pianny lay eggs. Iv coorse not."
+
+"I'd like to know what the objict of these here arctic explorations is,"
+interposed Mr. McKenna, in the interests of peace.
+
+"Th' principal objict is to get rid iv an over-supply iv foolish
+people," said Mr. Dooley. "In this counthry, whin a man begins f'r to
+see sthrange things, an' hitch up cockroaches, an' think he's Vanderbilt
+dhrivin' a four-in-hand, we sind him to what me ol' frind Sleepy Burk
+calls th' brain college. But in Norway an' Sweden they sind him to th'
+North Pole, an' feed him to th' polar bears an' th' walruses. A man that
+scorches on a bicycle or wears a pink shirt or is caught thryin' to fry
+out a stick iv dinnymite in a kitchen stove is given a boat an' sint off
+to play with Flora an' Fauna in th' frozen North."
+
+"That's what I'd like to know," said Mr. Hennessy. "Who ar-re these
+Flora an' Fauna? I see be th' pa-aper that Doc Nansen stopped at
+Nootchinchoot Islands, an' saw Flora an' Fauna; an' thin, comin' back on
+th' ice, he encountherd thim again."
+
+"I suppose," said Mr. Dooley, "ye think Flora an' Fauna is two little
+Eskeemy girls at skip-rope an' 'London bridge is fallin' down' on th'
+icebergs an' glaziers. It's a pretty idee ye have iv th' life in thim
+parts. Little Flora an' little Fauna playin' stoop-tag aroun' a whale or
+rushin' th' can f'r their poor tired father just home fr'm th'
+rollin'-mills, where he's been makin' snowballs f'r th' export thrade,
+or engagin' in some other spoort iv childhood! Go wan with ye!"
+
+"But who are they, annyhow?"
+
+"I make it a rule in me life not to discuss anny woman's charac-ter,"
+replied Mr. Dooley, sternly. "If Doc Nansen was off there skylarkin'
+with Flora an' Fauna, it's his own business, an' I make no inquiries. A
+lady's a lady, be she iver so humble; an', as Shakespeare says, cursed
+be th' man that'd raise an ax to her, save in th' way iv a joke. We'll
+talk no scandal in this house, Hinnissy."
+
+But, after his friend had gone, Mr. Dooley leaned over confidentially,
+and whispered to Mr. McKenna, "But who are Flora an' Fauna, Jawn?"
+
+"I don't know," said Mr. McKenna.
+
+"It sounds mighty suspicious, annyhow," said the philosopher. "I hope
+th' doc'll be able to square it with his wife."
+
+
+
+
+ON A POPULIST CONVENTION.
+
+
+"Keep ye'er eye on th' Pops, Jawn. They're gr-reat people an' a gr-reat
+pa-arty. What is their principles? Anny ol' thing that th' other
+pa-arties has rijected. Some iv thim is in favor iv coining money out iv
+baled hay an' dhried apples at a ratio iv sixteen to wan, an' some is in
+favor iv coinin' on'y th' apples. Thim are th' inflationists. Others
+want th' gover'mint to divide up the rivinues equally among all la-ads
+that's too sthrong to wurruk. Th' Pops is again th' banks an' again the
+supreme court an again havin' gas that can be blowed out be th' human
+lungs. A sthrong section is devoted to th' principal iv separatin' Mark
+Hanna fr'm his money.
+
+"A ma-an be th' name iv Cassidy, that thravels f'r a liquor-house, was
+in to see me this mornin'; an' he come fr'm Saint Looey. He said it beat
+all he iver see or heerd tell of. Whin th' convintion come to ordher,
+th' chairman says, 'La-ads, we'll open proceedin's be havin' th'
+Hon'rable Rube Spike, fr'm th' imperyal Territ'ry iv Okalahoma, cough up
+his famous song, "Pa-pa Cleveland's Teeth are filled with Goold."' 'Mr.
+Chairman,' says a delegate fr'm New Mexico, risin' an' wavin' his boots
+in th' air, 'if th' skate fr'm Okalahoma is allowed f'r to belch anny in
+this here assimblage, th' diligates fr'm th' imperyal Territ'ry iv New
+Mex-ico'll lave th' hall. We have,' he says, 'in our mist th' Hon'rable
+Lafayette Hadley, whose notes,' he says, 'falls as sweetly on th' ear,'
+he says, 'as th' plunk iv hivin's rain in a bar'l,' he says. 'If annywan
+has a hemorrhage iv anthems in this hall, it'll be Lafe Hadley, th'
+Guthrie batsoon,' he says. 'Ye shall not,' he says, 'press down upon our
+bleedin' brows,' he says, 'this cross iv thorns,' he says. 'Ye shall not
+crucify th' diligates fr'm th' imperyal Territ'ry iv New Mexico on this
+cross iv a Mississippi nigger an' Crow Injun fr'm Okalahoma,' he says.
+Thereupon, says me frind Cassidy, th' New Mexico diligation left th'
+hall, pursued be th' diligation from Okalahoma.
+
+"Th' chairman knowed his business. 'In ordher,' he says, 'that there may
+be no disordher,' he says, 'I will call upon th' imperyal States,' he
+says, 'an Territ'ries,' he says, 'beginnin' with th' imperyal State iv
+Alabama,' he says, 'to each sind wan singer to th' platform,' he says,
+'f'r to wring our hear-rts with melodies,' he says. 'Meantime,' says he,
+'pathrites who have differences iv opinyon on anny questions can
+pro-cure ex-helves be applyin' to th' sergeant-at-arms,' he says. 'Now,'
+he says, 'if th' gintleman fr'm th' imperyal State of Mizzoury'll hand
+me up a cheek full iv his eatin' tobacco,' he says, 'we'll listen to
+Willyum G. Rannycaboo, th' boy melodjun iv th' imperyal State iv
+Alabama,' he says, 'who'll discourse his well-known ballad, 'Th' Supreme
+Court is Full iv Standard Ile,' he says.
+
+"Whin th' singin' had con-cluded, so me frind Cassidy says, th' chair
+announced that speakin' would be in ordher, an' th' convintion rose as
+wan man. Afther ordher had been enforced be th' sergeant-at-arms movin'
+round, an' lammin' diligates with a hoe, a tall man was seen standin' on
+a chair. F'r some moments th' chairman was onable to call his name, but
+he fin'lly found a place to spill; an' in a clear voice he says, 'F'r
+what purpose does th' gintleman fr'm the imperyal State iv Texas arise?'
+'I arise,' says th' ma-an, 'f'r th' purpose iv warnin' this convintion
+that we have a goold-bug in our mist,' he says. Cries iv 'Throw him
+out!' 'Search him!' 'Hang him!' arose. 'In wandhrin' through th' hall, I
+just seen a man with a coat on,' he says. Great excitement ensood, says
+me frind Cassidy; an' th' thremblin' victim was brought down th' aisle.
+'What have ye to say f'r ye'ersilf?' demands th' chairman in thundhrin'
+tones. 'On'y this,' says th' goold-bug. 'I wandhered in here, lookin'
+f'r frinds,' he says. 'I am not a goold-bug,' he says. 'I wear me coat,'
+he says, 'because I have no shirt,' he says. 'Gintlemen,' says th'
+chairman, 'a mistake has been made,' he says. 'This here person, who
+bears th' appearance iv a plutocrat, is all right underneath,' he says.
+'He's a diligate to th' silver convintion,' he says. 'Go in peace,' he
+says.
+
+"Be this time 'twas gr-rowin' late, an' th' convintion adjourned.
+'Befure ye lave,' says th' chairman, 'I have to announce that on account
+iv th' chairman of the comity havin' been imprisoned in a foldin'-bed
+an' th' sicrity havin' mistook th' fire extinguisher f'r a shower bath,
+they'll be no meeting' iv th' comity on rules till to-morrow night.
+Durin' th' interval,' he says, 'th' convintion'll continue
+ketch-as-ketch can,' he says."
+
+"Well," said Mr. McKenna, "to think of taking this here country out of
+the hands of William C. Whitney and Grover Cleveland and J. Pierpont
+Morgan and Ickleheimer Thalmann, and putting it in the hands of such
+men. What do you think about it?"
+
+"I think," said Mr. Dooley, "that Cassidy lied."
+
+
+
+
+ON A FAMILY REUNION.
+
+
+"Why aren't you out attending the reunion of the Dooley family?" Mr.
+McKenna asked the philosopher.
+
+"Thim's no rel-ations to me," Mr. Dooley answered. "Thim's farmer
+Dooleys. No wan iv our fam'ly iver lived in th' counthry. We live in th'
+city, where they burn gas an' have a polis foorce to get on to. We're no
+farmers, divvle th' bit. We belong to th' industhreel classes. Thim must
+be th' Fermanagh Dooleys, a poor lot, Jawn, an' always on good terms
+with th' landlord, bad ciss to thim, says I. We're from Roscommon.
+They'se a Dooley family in Wixford an' wan near Ballybone that belonged
+to th' constabulary. I met him but wanst. 'Twas at an iviction; an',
+though he didn't know me, I inthrajooced mesilf be landin' him back iv
+th' ear with a bouldher th' size iv ye'er two fists together. He didn't
+know me aftherwards, ayether.
+
+"We niver had but wan reunion iv th' Dooley fam'ly, an' that was tin
+years ago. Me cousin Felix's boy Aloysius,--him that aftherwards wint to
+New York an' got a good job dhrivin' a carredge f'r th' captain iv a
+polis station,--he was full iv pothry an' things; an' he come around wan
+night, an' says he, 'D'ye know,' he says, ''twud be th' hite iv a good
+thing f'r th' Dooleys to have a reunion,' he says. 'We ought to come
+together,' he says, 'an' show the people iv this ward,' he says, 'how
+sthrong we are,' he says. 'Ye might do it betther, me buck,' says I,
+'shovellin' slag at th' mills,' I says. 'But annyhow, if ye'er mind's
+set on it, go ahead,' I says, 'an' I'll attind to havin' th' polis
+there,' I says, 'f'r I have a dhrag at th' station.'
+
+"Well, he sint out letthers to all th' Roscommon Dooleys; an' on a
+Saturdah night we come together in a rinted hall an' held th' reunion.
+'Twas great sport f'r a while. Some iv us hadn't spoke frindly to each
+other f'r twinty years, an' we set around an' tol' stories iv Roscommon
+an' its green fields, an' th' stirabout pot that was niver filled, an'
+th' blue sky overhead an' th' boggy ground undherfoot. 'Which Dooley was
+it that hamsthrung th' cows?' 'Mike Dooley's Pat.' 'Naw such thing:
+'twas Pat Dooley's Mike. I mane Pat Dooley's Mike's Pat.' F'r 'tis with
+us as with th' rest iv our people. Ye take th' Dutchman: he has as manny
+names to give to his childher as they'se nails in his boots, but an
+Irishman has th' pick iv on'y a few. I knowed a man be th' name iv
+Clancy,--a man fr'm Kildare. He had fifteen childher; an', whin th' las'
+come, he says, 'Dooley, d'ye happen to know anny saints?' 'None iv thim
+thrades here,' says I. 'Why?' says I. 'They'se a new kid at th' house,'
+he says; 'an', be me troth, I've run out iv all th' saints I knew, an',
+if somewan don't come to me assistance, I'll have to turn th' child out
+on th' wurruld without th' rag iv a name to his back,' he says.
+
+"But I was tellin' ye about th' reunion. They was lashins iv dhrink an'
+story-tellin', an' Felix's boy Aloysius histed a banner he had made
+with 'Dooley aboo' painted on it. But, afther th' night got along, some
+iv us begun to raymimber that most iv us hadn't been frinds f'r long.
+Mrs. Morgan Dooley, she that was Molly Dooley befure she married Morgan,
+she turns to me, an' says she, ''Tis sthrange they let in that Hogan
+woman,' she says,--that Hogan woman, Jawn, bein' th' wife iv her
+husband's brother. She heerd her say it, an' she says, 'I'd have ye to
+undherstand that no wan iver come out iv Roscommon that cud hold up
+their heads with th' Hogans,' she says. ''Tis not f'r th' likes iv ye to
+slandher a fam'ly that's iv th' landed gintry iv Ireland, an' f'r two
+pins I'd hit ye a poke in th' eye,' she says. If it hadn't been f'r me
+bein' between thim, they'd have been trouble; f'r they was good frinds
+wanst. What is it th' good book says about a woman scorned? Faith, I've
+forgotten.
+
+"Thin me uncle Mike come in, as rough a man as iver laid hands on a
+polisman. Felix Dooley was makin' a speech on th' vartues iv th'
+fam'ly. 'Th' Dooleys,' says he, 'can stand before all th' wurruld, an'
+no man can say ought agin ayether their honor or their integrity,' says
+he. 'Th' man that's throwin' that at ye,' says me uncle Mike, 'stole a
+saw fr'm me in th' year sivinty-five.' Felix paid no attintion to me
+uncle Mike, but wint on, 'We point proudly to th' motto, "Dooley
+aboo--Dooley f'river."' 'Th' saw aboo,' says me uncle Mike. 'Th'
+Dooleys,' says Felix, 'stood beside Red Hugh O'Neill; an', whin he cut
+aff his hand,--' 'He didn't cut it off with anny wan else's saw,' says
+me uncle Mike. 'They'se an old sayin',' wint on Felix. 'An' ol' saw,'
+says me uncle Mike. 'But 'twas new whin ye stole it.'
+
+"'Now look here,' says Aloysius, 'this thing has gone far enough. 'Tis
+an outrage that this here man shud come here f'r to insult th' head iv
+th' fam'ly.' 'Th' head iv what fam'ly?' says Morgan Dooley, jumpin' up
+as hot as fire. 'I'm th' head iv th' fam'ly,' he says, 'be right iv
+histhry.' 'Ye're an ol' cow,' says me uncle Mike. 'Th' back iv me hand
+an' th' sowl iv me fut to all iv ye,' he says. 'I quit ye,' he says.
+'Ye're all livin' here undher assumed names'; an' he wint out, followed
+be Morgan Dooley with a chair in each hand.
+
+"Well, they wasn't two Dooleys in th' hall'd speak whin th' meetin'
+broke up; an' th' Lord knows, but I don't to this day, who's th' head iv
+th' Dooley fam'ly. All I know is that I had wan th' nex' mornin'."
+
+
+
+
+ON A FAMOUS WEDDING.
+
+
+"Ye see, Jawn," he said "'twas this way: The Jook iv Marlburrow is a
+young lad an' poor. Ye can't think of a jook bein' poor, but 'tis a fact
+that they'se many a wan iv thim that's carryin' th' banner at this
+minyit. Hinnissy, if he had his rights, is Jook iv Munster; an' ye know
+what he's got. The Jook iv Marlburrow, whin he come out iv th' academy
+where they had him, he hadn't a cint to his name. Ne'er a wan.
+
+"They ain't manny jobs f'r a young jook. Th' thrade is limited; an' this
+here la-ad wint round night an' day lookin' f'r a sign, 'Wanted, a young
+jook, r-ready an' willin' to do light family jookin',' an' no sign did
+he see. He was in a bad way; f'r the la-ad's father was dead, th' ol'
+jook. He was a fine bucko. He had a divorce fr'm his wife, an' marrid
+another; an', whin he died, she marrid somewan else an' took the
+roly-boly with her. This was ha-ard on th' lad.
+
+"But he come iv a noble race, an' wan that had reed burruds whin their
+betthers had snowballs. Did ye iver read histhry, Jawn? Ye ought to.
+'Tis betther thin th' Polis Gazette, an' near as thrue. Well, Jawn, this
+here young man come fr'm a gr-eat gin'ral, a fine-lookin' la-ad that had
+manny a mash in his day, an' niver lost money be wan iv thim. Ye'll find
+all about him in Casey's 'Histhry iv English Misrule in Ireland: Th'
+Story iv a Crime.' 'Tis good readin'.
+
+"Th' la-ad's father marrid a rich woman. So did his uncle. So ye see he
+was a natural bor-rn fi-nanceer. An' he begun to luk around him f'r what
+th' pa-apers calls a 'financee.'
+
+"He didn't have far to go. I dinnaw how he done it, whether th'
+Ganderbilks asked him 'r he asked th' Ganderbilks. Annyhow, 'twas
+arranged. 'Twas horse an' horse between thim. Th' Ganderbilks had money,
+an' he was a jook. They was wan divorce on each side. So they imported
+him over, what they call assisted immygration. He didn't come undher
+th' head iv skilled workman. They must've classed him as a domestic
+servant. Th' first thing he done was to get himsilf arristed. A man be
+th' name iv Sweeney,--there are some good Sweeneys, though it's a name I
+don't like on account iv wan iv thim stealin' me fa-ather's
+grin'stone,--a man be th' name iv Sweeney, a polisman, r-run him in f'r
+disordherly conduct. They got him out with a pull. Thin he sint f'r
+lawyers an' f'r his financee's father, an' they settled down to talk
+business. 'Well,' says Ganderbilk, 'how much d'ye want?' he says. 'I'll
+give ye a millyon.' 'Goowan,' says th' jook, 'I cud get that much
+marryin' somewan I knew.' 'Thin how much d'ye want?' says Ganderbilk.
+'Well,' says th' jook, th' castle has to be put in repair. Th' plumbin'
+is all gone to th' divvle, an' they'll have to be a new catch-basin put
+in,' he says. 'Thin they'se calciminin' an' paper-hangin',--well, call
+it tin millyons.' 'But what do I get out iv it?' says Ganderbilk. 'Have
+ye a ticket to th' church to see me marrid?' says th' jook. 'No,' says
+his pappa-in-law. 'Well, here's a couple,' says th' jook. 'Bring wan iv
+ye'er frinds with ye.' So Ganderbilk he coughed.
+
+"They say th' jook was that poor he had to have his coat made out iv what
+was left over fr'm his pants, they do so. But he was at th' church
+bright an' early; an' Ganderbilk he was there, too, standin' out on th'
+steps in th' cold, combin' his whiskers--he wears a pair iv
+sluggers--with his fingers. Afther awhile his daughter, the jook's
+financee, come along; an', seein' the jook, says she, 'Pappa,' she says,
+'inthrojooce me to ye'er frind.' 'Jook,' says Ganderbilk, 'shake hands
+with me daughther. She's your's,' he says. An' so they were marrid.
+
+"Well, Jawn," said Mr. Dooley, becoming serious, "'tis a dhroll wurruld,
+an' I suppose we've got to take th' jooks an' th' Ganderbilks with the
+r-rest. I'm goin' to a weddin' mesilf nex' week. Th' banns has been
+called between little Dalia Hogan an' big Tom Moran. They've been
+engaged f'r three year, her wurrkin' in a box facthry an' him doin'
+overtime at th' blast. They've money enough to start, an' it'll not cost
+ol' ma-an Hogan a cint. But, whin he spoke about it las' night, he cried
+as if his heart'd break."
+
+
+
+
+ON A QUARREL BETWEEN ENGLAND AND GERMANY.
+
+
+Mr. McKenna was aware that a gentle feud had existed between Mr. Dooley
+and Mr. Schwartzmeister, the German saloon-keeper down Archey Road, for
+some years. It was based upon racial differences, but had been accented
+when Mr. Schwartzmeister put in a pool table. Of course there was no
+outburst. When the two met on the street, Mr. Dooley saluted his
+neighbor cordially, in these terms: "Good-nobben, Hair Schwartzmeister,
+an' vas magst too yet, me brave bucko!" To which Mr. Schwartzmeister
+invariably retorted: "Py chapers, Tooley, where you haf been all der
+time, py chapers?" But this was mere etiquette. In the publicity of
+their own taverns they entertained no great regard for each other. Mr.
+Schwartzmeister said a friend of his had been poisoned by Mr. Dooley's
+beer, and Mr. Dooley confessed that he would rather go to a harness-shop
+for whiskey than to Mr. Schwartzmeister's. Consequently, Mr. McKenna
+was amazed to learn that Mr. Schwartzmeister had been entertained by the
+philosopher, and that they had paraded Archey Road arm-in-arm at a late
+hour.
+
+"Tubby sure he was," said Mr. Dooley. "Tubby sure he was. Right where
+ye're standin' at this moment, me dhrinkin' beer an' him callin' f'r hot
+Irish. 'Make it hot,' he says. 'Make it hot, me frind; an' we'll make it
+hot f'r th' British between us,' says Schwartzmeister.
+
+"It come about this way: Ye see Willum Joyce come in, an' says he,
+'We've got thim.' 'Sure,' says I. 'We've the comityman, haven't we?'
+'Th' Dutch is with us,' he says. 'I mane the Germans is our frinds.'
+'Ye're goin' too far there,' says I. 'Stuckart was again Reed las'
+spring.' 'No, no,' says Willum Joyce, he says. 'Th' Germans is up in
+ar-rms again th' Sassenach,' he says. 'Mind ye,' he says, 'mind ye,' he
+says, ''tis our jooty to be frindly with th' Germans,' he says. 'I'm
+now on me way f'r to organize a camp iv me Dutch frinds down be th'
+slough,' he says. An' off he goes.
+
+"'Twas not long afther whin I heerd a man singin' 'Th' Wearin' iv th'
+Green' down th' sthreet, an' in come Schwartzmeister. 'Faugh a ballagh,'
+says he, meanin' to be polite. 'Lieb vaterland,' says I. An' we had a
+dhrink together.
+
+"'Vell,' says he (ye know th' murdhrin' way he has iv speakin'), 'here
+we are,' he says, 'frinds at las'.' 'Thrue f'r ye,' says I. 'Tooley,' he
+says, f'r he calls me that, 'we're wan to-night, alretty,' he says. 'We
+are that,' says I. 'But, glory be, who iver thought th' Irish'd live to
+see th' day whin they'd be freed be th' Dutch? Schwartz, me lieber
+frind,' I says, 'here's a health to th' imp'ror, hock,' says I.
+'Slanthu,' says he; an' we had wan.
+
+"''Twud be a great combination,' says I, 'We'd carry th' wa-ard be th'
+biggest majority iver heerd iv,' I says. 'We wud so,' says he. 'I'd be
+aldherman.' 'Afther me,' says I. ''Tis my turn first,' I says. 'I don't
+know about that,' says he. 'Now,' says I, 'look here, Schwartzmeister,'
+I says. 'This here arrangement between Germany an' Ireland has got to be
+brought down to th' Sixth Wa-ard,' I says. 'Do ye f'rgive th' way we
+done ye in th' beer rites?' I says. 'I do,' says he. 'They was befure me
+time.' 'Well,' says I, 'are ye sure ye can get over th' whalin' ye got
+whin th' Sarsfield Fife an' Dhrum Corpse met th' Frederick Willum Picnic
+Band?' I says. 'I do,' says he. 'An' ye have no har-rd feelin' about th'
+way th' bridges has been give out?' 'Not a thrace,' says he. 'Well,'
+says I, 'Schwartz,' I says, 'they'se wan thing more,' I says. 'We're
+both pathrites,' I says. 'We have a common cause,' I says. 'Ye're a
+Dutchman, an' I'm iv' th' other sort,' I says. 'But we're both again th'
+Sassenach,' I says. 'An' in th' inthrests iv th' freedom iv Ireland,' I
+says, 'I f'rgive ye th' pool table.'
+
+"Well, sir, Jawn, he wept like a child. 'Tooley,' he says, 'we'll march
+side be side,' he says. 'Both iv us in th' front rank,' he says.
+'Aldherman Tooley an' Aldherman Schwartzmeister, to free Ireland,' he
+says. 'But where does Germany come in?' he says. 'Germany!' says I,
+'Germany! Well, we'll take care iv Germany, all right. We'll let Germans
+into th' prim'ries,' I says. An' there an' thin we formed th'
+Sarsfield-an'-Gatty camp. Gatty is a German frind iv Schwartzmeister. We
+shook dice to see which name'd come first. Ireland won. They was my
+dice.
+
+"I learned Schwartzmeister th' Shan-van-Voght before we was through; an'
+I've got th' German naytional chune be heart,--'Ich vice nit wauss allus
+bay doitan'. What'll ye have to drink, Jawn?"
+
+And, as Mr. McKenna went out, he heard his friend muttering: "Freed be
+th' Dutch! Freed be the Dutch! An' we niver give thim so much as a
+dillygate."
+
+
+
+
+ON ORATORY IN POLITICS.
+
+
+"I mind th' first time Willum J. O'Brien r-run f'r office, th'
+Raypublicans an' th' Indypindants an' th' Socialists an' th'
+Prohybitionist (he's dead now, his name was Larkin) nommynated a young
+man be th' name iv Dorgan that was in th' law business in Halsted
+Sthreet, near Cologne, to r-run again' him. Smith O'Brien Dorgan was his
+name, an' he was wan iv th' most iloquint young la-ads that iver made a
+speakin' thrumpet iv his face. He cud holler like th' impire iv a
+base-ball game; an', whin he delivered th' sintimints iv his hear-rt,
+ye'd think he was thryin' to confide thim to a man on top iv a high
+buildin'. He was prisidint iv th' lithry club at th' church; an' Father
+Kelly tol' me that, th' day afther he won th' debate on th' pen an' th'
+soord in favor iv th' pen, they had to hire a carpenter to mend th'
+windows, they'd sagged so. They called him th' boy or-rator iv Healey's
+slough.
+
+"He planned th' campaign himsilf. 'I'll not re-sort,' says he, 'to th'
+ordin'ry methods,' he says. 'Th' thing to do,' he says, 'is to prisint
+th' issues iv th' day to th' voters,' he says. 'I'll burn up ivry
+precin't in th' ward with me iloquince,' he says. An' he bought a long
+black coat, an' wint out to spread th' light.
+
+"He talked ivrywhere. Th' people jammed Finucane's Hall, an' he tol'
+thim th' time had come f'r th' masses to r-rise. 'Raymimber,' says he,
+'th' idees iv Novimb'r,' he says. 'Raymimber Demosthens an' Cicero an'
+Oak Park,' he says. 'Raymimber th' thraditions iv ye'er fathers, iv
+Washin'ton an' Jefferson an' Andhrew Jackson an' John L. Sullivan,' he
+says. 'Ye shall not, Billy O'Brien,' he says, 'crucify th' voters iv th'
+Sixth Ward on th' double cross,' he says. He spoke to a meetin' in
+Deerin' Sthreet in th' same wurads. He had th' sthreet-car stopped while
+he coughed up ree-marks about th' Constitution, until th' bar-rn boss
+sint down an' threatened to discharge Mike Dwyer that was dhrivin' wan
+hundherd an' eight in thim days, though thransferred to Wintworth Avnoo
+later on. He made speeches to polismin in th' squadroom an' to good
+la-ads hoistin' mud out iv th' dhraw at th' red bridge. People'd be
+settin' quite in th' back room playin' forty-fives whin Smith O'Brien
+Dorgan'd burst in, an' addhress thim on th' issues iv th' day.
+
+"Now all this time Bill O'Brien was campaignin' in his own way. He niver
+med wan speech. No wan knew whether he was f'r a tariff or again wan, or
+whether he sthud be Jefferson or was knockin' him, or whether he had th'
+inthrests iv th' toilin' masses at hear-rt or whether he wint to mass at
+all, at all. But he got th' superintindint iv th' rollin'-mills with
+him; an' he put three or four good faml'ies to wurruk in th' gas-house,
+where he knew th' main guy, an' he made reg'lar calls on th' bar-rn boss
+iv th' sthreet-ca-ars. He wint to th' picnics, an' hired th' orchesthry
+f'r th' dances, an' voted himsilf th' most pop'lar man at th' church
+fair at an expinse iv at laste five hundherd dollars. No wan that come
+near him wanted f'r money. He had headquarthers in ivry saloon fr'm wan
+end iv th' ward to th' other. All th' pa-apers printed his pitcher, an'
+sthud by him as th' frihd iv th' poor.
+
+"Well, people liked to hear Dorgan at first, but afther a few months
+they got onaisy. He had a way iv breakin' into festive gatherin's that
+was enough to thry a saint. He delayed wan prize fight two hours,
+encouragin' th' voters prisint to stand be their principles, while th'
+principles sat shiverin' in their cor-rners until th' polis r-run him
+out. It got so that men'd bound into alleys whin he come up th' sthreet.
+People in th' liquor business rayfused to let him come into their
+places. His fam'ly et in th' coal-shed f'r fear iv his speeches at
+supper. He wint on talkin', and Willum J. O'Brien wint on handin' out
+th' dough that he got fr'm th' gas company an' con-ciliatin' th' masses;
+an', whin iliction day come, th' judges an' clerks was all f'r O'Brien,
+an' Dorgan didn't get votes enough to wad a gun. He sat up near all
+night in his long coat, makin' speeches to himsilf; but tord mornin' he
+come over to my place where O'Brien sat with his la-ads. 'Well,' says
+O'Brien, 'how does it suit ye?' he says. 'It's sthrange,' says Dorgan.
+'Not sthrange at all,' says Willum J. O'Brien. 'Whin ye've been in
+politics as long as I have, ye'll know,' he says, 'that th' roly-boly is
+th' gr-reatest or-rator on earth,' he says. 'Th' American nation in th'
+Sixth Ward is a fine people,' he says. 'They love th' eagle,' he says,
+'on th' back iv a dollar,' he says. 'Well,' says Dorgan, 'I can't
+undherstand it,' he says. 'I med as manny as three thousan' speeches,'
+he says. 'Well,' says Willum J. O'Brien, 'that was my majority,' he
+says. 'Have a dhrink,' he says."
+
+
+
+
+ON CHRISTMAS GIFTS.
+
+
+The approach of Christmas is heralded in Archey Road by many of the
+signs that are known to the less civilized and more prosperous parts of
+the city. The people look poorer, colder, and more hopeful than at other
+times. The bakeries assume an old country appearance of gayety. The
+saloons are well filled. Also, if you have your eyes about you, you may
+catch a glimpse, now and then, through a frosted window-pane of a
+stunted Christmas tree, laden slenderly with glass balls and ropes of
+red popcorn, the work of painful hands after the childher are abed. Mr.
+Dooley knew Christmas was coming by the calendar, the expiration of his
+quarterly license, and Mr. Hennessy coming in with a doll in his pocket
+and a rocking-chair under his arm.
+
+"Prisints?" said the philosopher.
+
+"Yis," said Mr. Hennessy. "I had to do it. I med up me mind this year
+that I wudden't buy anny Chris'mas prisints or take anny. I can't
+afford it. Times has been fearful ha-ard, an' a look iv pain comes over
+th' ol' woman's face whin I hold out fifty cints fr'm me salary on
+Saturdah night. I give it out that I didn't want annything, but they'se
+so much scurryin' ar-round an' hidin' things whin I go in that I know
+they've got something f'r me. I cudden't stand it no longer, so I wint
+down town to-night, down be Shekel an' Whooper's place, an' bought these
+things. This is a fine doll f'r th' money."
+
+"It is," said Mr. Dooley, taking the doll and examining it with the eye
+of an art critic. "It closes its eyes,--yis, an', bedad, it cries if ye
+punch it. They're makin' these things more like human bein's ivry year.
+An' does it say pap-pah an' mam-mah, I dinnaw?"
+
+"No," said Mr. Hennessy, "th' pap-pah an' mam-mah dolls costs too much."
+
+"Well," continued Mr. Dooley, "we can't have ivrything we want in this
+wurruld. If I had me way, I'd buy goold watches an' chains f'r ivrybody
+in th' r-road, an' a few iv th' good Germans. I feel that gin'rous. But
+'tis no use. Ye can't give what ye want. Ivry little boy ixpects a pony
+at Chris'mas, an' ivry little girl a chain an' locket; an' ivry man
+thinks he's sure goin' to get th' goold-headed cane he's longed f'r
+since he come over. But they all fin'lly land on rockin'-horses an'
+dolls, an' suspindhers that r-run pink flowers into their shirts an'
+tattoo thim in summer. An' they conceal their grief Chris'mas mornin'
+an' thry to look pleasant with murdher in their hearts.
+
+"Some wan has always give me a Chris'mas prisint, though no wan has anny
+r-right to. But no wan iver give me annything I cud wear or ate or
+dhrink or smoke or curl me hair with. I've had flasks iv whisky give
+me,--me that have lashin's iv whisky at me elbow day an' night; an',
+whin I opined thim, blue an' yellow flames come out an' some iv th'
+stuff r-run over on th' flure, an' set fire to th' buildin'. I smoke th'
+best five-cint see-gar that money can buy; yet, whin a good frind iv
+mine wants to make me a prisint f'r Christmas, he goes to a harness shop
+an' buys a box iv see-gars with excelsior fillin's an' burlap wrappers,
+an', if I smoked wan an' lived, I'd be arristed f'r arson. I got a pair
+iv suspinders wanst fr'm a lady,--niver mind her name,--an' I wurruked
+hard that day; an' th' decorations moved back into me, an' I had to take
+thim out with pumice stone. I didn't lose th' taste iv th' paint f'r
+weeks an' weeks.
+
+"Wan year I wanted a watch more thin annything in th' wurruld. I talked
+watches to ivry wan that I thought had designs on me. I made it a pint
+to ask me frinds what time iv night it was, an' thin say, 'Dear me, I
+ought to get a watch if I cud affoord it.' I used to tout people down to
+th' jooler's shop, an' stand be th' window with a hungry look in th'
+eyes iv me, as much as to say, 'If I don't get a watch, I'll perish.' I
+talked watches an' thought watches an' dhreamed watches. Father Kelly
+rebuked me f'r bein' late f'r mass. 'How can I get there befure th'
+gospil, whin I don't know what time it is?' says I. 'Why don't ye luk at
+ye'er watch?' he says. 'I haven't none,' says I. Did he give me a watch?
+Faith, he did not. He sint me a box iv soap that made me smell like a
+coon goin' to a ball in a State Sthreet ca-ar. I got a necktie fr'm wan
+man; an', if I wore it to a meetin' iv th' Young Hebrews' Char'table
+Society, they'd've thrun me out. That man wanted me to be kilt. Another
+la-ad sint me a silk handkerchief that broke on me poor nose. Th'
+nearest I got to a watch was a hair chain that unravelled, an' made me
+look as if I'd been curryin' a Shetland pony. I niver got what I wanted,
+an I niver expect to. No wan does."
+
+"I'll get ye what ye want," said Mr. Hennessy, "if ye'll tell me what it
+is, an' it don't cost too much."
+
+"Will ye?" said Mr. Dooley, eagerly.
+
+"I will," said Mr. Hennessy, "if 'tis within me means."
+
+"Ye're jokin'," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"I'm not. I mane it."
+
+"Do ye, honest?"
+
+"I do so."
+
+"Thin," said Mr. Dooley, "get me th' Audjitooroom. I've wanted that to
+play with f'r manny years."
+
+And Mr. Hennessy went away with the rocking-chair under his arm, the
+doll in his pocket, and dumb anger in his heart.
+
+
+
+
+ON ANARCHISTS.
+
+
+"'Tis ha-ard bein' a king these days," said Mr. Dooley. "Manny's th' man
+on a throne wishes his father'd brought him up a cooper, what with wages
+bein' docked be parlymints an' ragin' arnychists r-runnin' wild with
+dinnymite bombs undher their ar-rms an' carvin'-knives in their pockets.
+
+"Onaisy, as Hogan says, is th' head that wears a crown. They'se other
+heads that're onaisy, too; but ye don't hear iv thim. But a man gr-rows
+up in wan iv thim furrin counthries, an' he's thrained f'r to be a king.
+Hivin may've intinded him f'r a dooce or a jack, at th' most; but he has
+to follow th' same line as his father. 'Tis like pawn-brokin' that way.
+Ye niver heerd iv a pawnbroker's son doin' annything else. Wanst a king,
+always a king. Other men's sons may pack away a shirt in a thrunk, an'
+go out into th' wurruld, brakin' on a freight or ladin' Indyanny bankers
+up to a shell game. But a man that's headed f'r a throne can't r-run
+away. He's got to take th' job. If he kicks, they blindfold him an' back
+him in. He can't ask f'r his time at th' end iv th' week, an' lave. He
+pays himsilf. He can't sthrike, because he'd have to ordher out th'
+polis to subjoo himsilf. He can't go to th' boss, an' say: 'Me hours is
+too long an' th' wurruk is tajious. Give me me pay-check.' He has no
+boss. A man can't be indipindint onless he has a boss. 'Tis thrue. So he
+takes th' place, an' th' chances ar-re he's th' biggest omadhon in th'
+wurruld, an' knows no more about r-runnin' a counthry thin I know about
+ladin' an orchesthry. An', if he don't do annything, he's a dummy, an',
+if he does do annything, he's crazy; an' whin he dies, his foreman
+says: 'Sure, 'tis th' divvle's own time I had savin' that bosthoon fr'm
+desthroyin' himsilf. If it wasn't f'r me, th' poor thing'd have closed
+down the wurruks, an' gone to th' far-rm long ago.' An' wan day, whin
+he's takin' th' air, p'raps, along comes an Eyetalyan, an' says he,
+'Ar-re ye a king?' 'That's my name,' says his majesty. 'Betther dead,'
+says th' Eyetalyan; an' they'se a scramble, an' another king goes over
+th' long r-road.
+
+"I don't know much about arnychists. We had thim here--wanst. They wint
+again polismen, mostly. Mebbe that's because polismen's th' nearest
+things to kings they cud find. But, annyhow, I sometimes think I know
+why they're arnychists somewhere, an' why they ain't in other places. It
+minds me iv what happened wanst in me cousin Terence's fam'ly. They was
+livin' down near Healey's slough in wan iv thim ol' Doherty's
+houses,--not Doherty that ye know, th' j'iner, a good man whin he don't
+dhrink. No, 'twas an ol' grouch iv a man be th' name iv Malachi Doherty
+that used to keep five-day notices in his thrunk, an' ownded his own
+privit justice iv th' peace. Me cousin Terence was as dacint a man as
+iver shoed a hor-rse; an his wife was a good woman, too, though I niver
+took much to th' Dolans. Fr'm Tipperary, they was, an' too handy
+throwin' things at ye. An' he had a nice fam'ly growin' up, an' I niver
+knowed people that lived together more quite an' amyable. 'Twas good f'r
+to see thim settin' ar-roun' th' parlor,--Terence spellin' out th'
+newspaper, an' his good woman mendin' socks, an' Honoria playin' th'
+'Vale iv Avoca' on th' pianny, an' th' kids r-rowlin' on th' flure.
+
+"But wan day it happened that that whole fam'ly begun to rasp on wan
+another. Honoria'd set down at th' pianny, an' th' ol' man'd growl: 'F'r
+th' love iv th' saints, close down that hurdy-gurdy, an' lave a man
+injye his headache!' An' th' good woman scolded Terence, an' th' kids
+pulled th' leg fr'm undher th' stove; an', whin th' big boy Mike come
+home fr'm Omaha, he found none iv thim speakin' to th' others. He cud do
+nawthin', an' he wint f'r Father Kelly. Father Kelly sniffed th' air
+whin he come in; an' says he, 'Terence, what's th' matther with ye'er
+catch basin?' 'I dinnaw,' growled Terence. 'Well,' says Father Kelly,
+'ye put on ye'er hat this minyit, an' go out f'r a plumber,' he says.
+'I'm not needed here,' he says. 'Ye'er sowls ar-re all r-right,' he
+says; 'but ye'er systems ar-re out iv ordher,' he says. 'Fetch in a
+plumber,' he says, 'whilst I goes down to Doherty, an' make him think
+his lease on th' hereafther is defective,' he says."
+
+"Ye're right," said Mr. Hennessy, who had followed the argument dimly.
+
+"Iv coorse I'm right," said Mr. Dooley. "What they need over there in
+furrin' counthries is not a priest, but a plumber. 'Tis no good prayin'
+again arnychists, Hinnissy. Arnychists is sewer gas."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE DREYFUS CASE.
+
+
+"I see be th' pa-apers," said Mr. Dooley, "that Col. Hinnery, th' man
+that sint me frind Cap. Dhry-fuss to th' cage, has moved on. I suppose
+they'll give th' Cap a new thrile now."
+
+"I hope they won't," said Mr. Hennessy. "I don't know annything about
+it, but I think he's guilty. He's a Jew."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "ye'er thoughts on this subject is inthrestin',
+but not conclusive, as Dorsey said to th' Pollack that thought he cud
+lick him. Ye have a r-right to ye'er opinyon, an' ye'll hold it annyhow,
+whether ye have a r-right to it or not. Like most iv ye'er
+fellow-citizens, ye start impartial. Ye don't know annything about th'
+case. If ye knew annything, ye'd not have an opinyon wan way or th'
+other. They'se niver been a matther come up in my time that th' American
+people was so sure about as they ar-re about th' Dhryfliss case. Th'
+Frinch ar-re not so sure, but they'se not a polisman in this counthry
+that can't tell ye jus' where Dhry-russ was whin th' remains iv th' poor
+girl was found. That's because th' thrile was secret. If 'twas an open
+thrile, an' ye heerd th' tistimony, an' knew th' language, an' saw th'
+safe afther 'twas blown open, ye'd be puzzled, an' not care a rush
+whether Dhry-fuss was naked in a cage or takin' tay with his uncle at
+th' Benny Brith Club.
+
+"I haven't made up me mind whether th' Cap done th' shootin' or not. He
+was certainly in th' neighborhood whin th' fire started, an' th' polis
+dug up quite a lot iv lead pipe in his back yard. But it's wan thing to
+sus-pect a man iv doin' a job an' another thing to prove that he didn't.
+Me frind Zola thinks he's innocint, an' he raised th' divvle at th'
+thrile. Whin th' judge come up on th' bench an' opined th' coort, Zola
+was settin' down below with th' lawyers. 'Let us pro-ceed,' says th'
+impartial an' fair-minded judge, 'to th' thrile iv th' haynious monsther
+Cap Dhry-fuss,' he says. Up jumps Zola, an' says he in Frinch:
+'Jackuse,' he says, which is a hell of a mane thing to say to anny man.
+An' they thrun him out. 'Judge,' says th' attorney f'r th' difinse, 'an'
+gintlemen iv th' jury,' he says. 'Ye're a liar,' says th' judge. 'Cap,
+ye're guilty, an' ye know it,' he says. 'Th' decision iv th' coort is
+that ye be put in a cage, an' sint to th' Divvle's own island f'r th'
+r-rest iv ye'er life,' he says. 'Let us pro-ceed to hearin' th'
+tistimony,' he says. 'Call all th' witnesses at wanst,' he says, 'an'
+lave thim have it out on th' flure,' he says. Be this time Zola has come
+back; an' he jumps up, an', says he, 'Jackuse,' he says. An' they thrun
+him out.
+
+"'Befure we go anny farther,' says th' lawyer f'r th' difinse, 'I wish
+to sarve notice that, whin this thrile is over, I intind,' he says, 'to
+wait outside,' he says, 'an' hammer th' hon'rable coort into an omelet,'
+he says. 'With these few remarks I will close,' he says. 'Th' coort,'
+says th' judge, 'is always r-ready to defind th' honor iv France,' he
+says; 'an', if th' larned counsel will con-sint,' he says, 'to step up
+here f'r a minyit,' he says, 'th' coort'll put a sthrangle hold on him
+that'll not do him a bit iv good,' he says. 'Ah!' he says. 'Here's me
+ol' frind Pat th' Clam,' he says. 'Pat, what d'ye know about this case?'
+he says. 'None iv ye'er business,' says Pat. 'Answered like a man an' a
+sojer,' says th' coort. 'Jackuse,' says Zola fr'm th' dureway. An' they
+thrun him out. 'Call Col. Hinnery,' says th' coort. 'He ray-fuses to
+answer.' 'Good. Th' case is clear. Cap forged th' will. Th' coort will
+now adjourn f'r dools, an' all ladin' officers iv th' ar-rmy not in
+disgrace already will assimble in jail, an' com-mit suicide,' he says.
+'Jackuse,' says Zola, an' started f'r th' woods, pursued be his
+fellow-editors. He's off somewhere in a three now hollerin' 'Jackuse' at
+ivry wan that passes, sufferin' martyrdom f'r his counthry an' writin'
+now an' thin about it all.
+
+"That's all I know about Cap Dhry-fuss' case, an' that's all anny man
+knows. Ye didn't know as much, Hinnissy, till I told ye. I don't know
+whether Cap stole th' dog or not."
+
+"What's he charged with?" Mr. Hennessy asked, in bewilderment.
+
+"I'll niver tell ye," said Mr. Dooley. "It's too much to ask."
+
+"Well, annyhow," said Mr. Hennessy, "he's guilty, ye can bet on that."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE DECADENCE OF GREECE.
+
+
+"That young Hogan is a smart la-ad," said Mr. Dooley. "A smart la-ad an'
+a good wan, too."
+
+"None betther," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"None betther in th' ward," said Mr. Dooley, which was a high
+appreciation. "But there ar-re things about human nature an' histhry
+that ain't taught at Saint Ignateeus'. I tell thim to Hogan's la-ad.
+
+"He was walkin' be th' store wan day las' week, an' I ast him how th'
+wa-ar wint. 'Tis sthrange, with churches two in a block, an' public
+schools as thick as lamp-posts, that, whin a man stops ye on th'
+sthreet, he'll ayether ast ye th' scoor iv th' base-ball game or talk iv
+th' Greek war with ye. I ain't seen annything that happened since
+Parnell's day that's aroused so much enthusyasm on th' Ar-rchey Road as
+th' Greek war. 'How goes th' war?' says I to young Hogan, 'How goes the
+war between th' ac-cursed infidel an' th' dog iv a Christian?' I says.
+'It goes bad,' he says. 'Th' Greeks won a thremenjous battle, killin'
+manny millions iv th' Moslem murdherers, but was obliged to retreat
+thirty-two miles in a gallop.' 'Is that so?' says I. 'Sure that seems to
+be their luck,' I says. 'Whin-iver they win, they lose; an', whin they
+lose, they lose,' I says. 'What ails thim?' I says. 'Is th' riferee
+again thim?' 'I can't make it out,' he says, while a tear sthud in his
+eye. 'Whin I think iv Leonidas at th' pass iv Thermometer,' he says,
+'an' So-an'-so on th' field iv Marathon an' This-or-that th' Spartan
+hero,' he says, 'I cannot undherstand f'r th' life iv me why th' Greeks
+shud have been dhruv fr'm pillar to post be an ar-rmy iv slaves. Didn't
+Leonidas, with hardly as manny men as there are Raypublicans in this
+precint, hold th' pass again a savage horde?' he says. 'He did,' says I.
+'He did.' 'An' didn't What's-his-name on th' field iv Marathon overcome
+an' desthroy th' ravagin' armies iv Persia?' he says. 'Thrue f'r ye,'
+says I. 'There's no doubt in th' wurruld about it,' I says. 'An' look at
+Alexander th' Great,' he says. 'Aleck was a turror, an' no mistake,'
+says I. 'An' Miltiades,' he says. 'I on'y know what I hear iv him,' says
+I. 'But fr'm all accounts he must have been consid'rable iv a fellow,'
+says I. 'An' in later days Marco Boozaris,' he says. 'He was th' man
+that come in con-sumption's dreaded form,' says I, 'an' he was afraid iv
+no man.' 'Well, thin,' says he, 'how ar-re we to account f'r this
+disgrace?' he says.
+
+"'Well,' says I, 'd'ye raymimber th' fightin' tenth precint? Ye must've
+heerd ye'er father tell about it. It was famous f'r th' quality an'
+quantity iv th' warfare put up in it. Ivry man in th' tenth precint cud
+fight his weight in scrap-iron. Most iv thim come fr'm th' ancient
+Hellenic province iv May-o; but they was a fair sprinklin' iv Greek
+heroes fr'm Roscommon an' Tipperary, an' a few from th' historic spot
+where th' Head iv Kinsale looks out on th' sea, an' th' sea looks up at
+th' Head iv Kinsale. Th' little boys cud box befure they was out iv
+skirts. Far an' wide, th' tenth precint was th' turror iv its inimies.
+Ye talk about Leonidas an' th' pass iv Thermometer. Ye ought to've seen
+Mike Riordan an' his fam'ly defindin' th' pollin'-place whin Eddie
+Burke's brigade charged it wan fine day. That hero sthud f'r four hours
+in th' dureway, ar-rmed on'y with a monkey-wrinch, an' built a wall iv
+invaders in frint iv him till th' judges cud dig their way out through
+th' cellar, an' escape to th' polis station.
+
+"'F'r manny years th' tenth precint was th' banner precint iv th' Sixth
+Wa-ard, an' its gallant heroes repelled all attacks by land or Healey's
+slough. But, as time wint by, changes come over it. Th' Hannigans an'
+Leonidases an' Caseys moved out, havin' made their pile. Some iv th'
+grandest iv th' heroes died, an' their fam'lies were broke up. Polish
+Jews an' Swedes an' Germans an' Hollanders swarmed in, settlin' down on
+th' sacred sites,' I says. 'Wan night three years ago, a band iv rovin'
+Bohemians fr'm th' Eighth Ward come acrost th' river, kickin' over
+bar'ls an' ash-boxes, an' swooped down on th' tenth precint. Mike
+Riordan, him that kept th' pollin'-place in th' good days iv old, was
+th' on'y wan iv th' race iv ancient heroes on earth. He thried to rally
+th' ingloryous descindants iv a proud people. F'r a while they made a
+stand in Halsted Sthreet, an' shouted bad but difficult names at th'
+infidel hordes, an' threw bricks that laid out their own people. But it
+was on'y f'r a moment. In another they tur-rned an' r-run, lavin' Mike
+Riordan standin' alone in th' mist iv th' fray. If it wasn't f'r th'
+intervintion iv th' powers in th' shape iv th' loot an' a wagon-load iv
+polismin, th' Bohemians'd have devastated as far as th' ruins iv th'
+gas-house, which is th' same as that there Acropulist ye talk about,'
+says I.
+
+"'No, my son,' says I. 'On account iv th' fluctuations in rint an'
+throuble with th' landlord it's not safe to presoom that th' same fam'ly
+always lives in th' wan house. Th' very thing happened to Greece that
+has happened to th' tenth precint iv th' Sixth Ward. Th' Greeks have
+moved out, an' th' Swedes come in. Ye yet may live to see th' day,' says
+I, 'whin what is thrue iv Athens an' th' tenth precint will be thrue iv
+th' whole Sixth Wa-ard.'"
+
+"Ye don't mean that," said Mr. Hennessy, gasping.
+
+"I do," said Mr. Dooley, with solemnity. "'Tis histhry."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE INDIAN WAR.
+
+
+"Gin'ral Sherman was wan iv th' smartest men we iver had," said Mr.
+Dooley. "He said so manny bright things. 'Twas him said, 'War is hell';
+an' that's wan iv th' finest sayin's I know annything about. 'War is
+hell': 'tis a thrue wurrud an' a fine sintiment. An' Gin'ral Sherman
+says, 'Th' on'y good Indyun is a dead Indyun.' An' that's a good sayin',
+too. So, be th' powers, we've started in again to improve th' race; an',
+if we can get in Gatlin' guns enough befure th' winter's snows, we'll
+tur-rn thim Chippeways into a cimitry branch iv th' Young Men's
+Christyan Association. We will so.
+
+"Ye see, Hinnissy, th' Indyun is bound f'r to give way to th' onward
+march iv white civilization. You an' me, Hinnissy, is th' white
+civilization. I come along, an' I find ol' Snakes-in-his-Gaiters livin'
+quite an' dacint in a new frame house. Thinks I, ''Tis a shame f'r to
+lave this savage man in possession iv this fine abode, an' him not able
+f'r to vote an' without a frind on th' polis foorce.' So says I:
+'Snakes,' I says, 'get along,' says I. 'I want ye'er house, an' ye best
+move out west iv th' thracks, an' dig a hole f'r ye'ersilf,' I says.
+'Divvle th' fut I will step out iv this house,' says Snakes. 'I built
+it, an' I have th' law on me side,' he says. 'F'r why should I take Mary
+Ann, an' Terence, an' Honoria, an' Robert Immitt Snakes, an' all me
+little Snakeses, an' rustle out west iv th' thracks,' he says, 'far fr'm
+th' bones iv me ancestors,' he says, 'an beyond th' water-pipe
+extinsion,' he says. 'Because,' says I, 'I am th' walkin' dilygate iv
+white civilization,' I says. 'I'm jus' as civilized as you,' says
+Snakes. 'I wear pants,' he says, 'an' a plug hat,' he says. 'Ye might
+wear tin pair,' says I, 'an' all at wanst,' I says, 'an' ye'd still be a
+savage,' says I; 'an' I'd be civilized,' I says, 'if I hadn't on so much
+as a bangle bracelet,' I says. 'So get out,' says I. 'So get out,' says
+I, 'f'r th' pianny movers is outside, r-ready to go to wurruk,' I says.
+
+"Well, Snakes he fires a stove lid at me; an' I go down to th' polis
+station, an' says I, 'Loot,' I says, 'they'se a dhrunken Indyun not
+votin' up near th' mills, an he's carryin' on outrageous, an' he won't
+let me hang me pitchers on his wall,' says I. 'Vile savage,' says th'
+loot, 'I'll tache him to rayspict th' rules iv civilization,' he says.
+An' he takes out a wagon load, an' goes afther Snakes. Well, me frind
+Snakes gives him battle, an', knowin' th' premises well, he's able to
+put up a gr-reat fight; but afther a while they rip him away, an' have
+him in th' pathrol wagon, with a man settin' on his head. An' thin he's
+put undher bonds to keep the peace, an' they sind him out west iv th'
+thracks; an' I move into th' house, an' tear out th' front an' start a
+faro bank. Some day, whin I get tired or th' Swedes dhrive me out or
+Schwartzmeister makes his lunch too sthrong f'r competition, I'll go
+afther Snakes again.
+
+"Th' on'y hope f'r th Indyun is to put his house on rollers, an' keep a
+team hitched to it, an', whin he sees a white man, to start f'r th'
+settin' sun. He's rooned whin he has a cellar. He ought to put all th'
+plugged dollars that he gets from th' agent an' be pickin' blueberries
+into rowlin' stock. If he knew annything about balloons, he'd have a
+chanst; but we white men, Hinnissy, has all th' balloons. But, annyhow,
+he's doomed, as Hogan says. Th' onward march iv th' white civilization,
+with morgedges an' other modhern improvements, is slowly but surely, as
+Hogan says, chasin' him out; an' th' last iv him'll be livin' in a
+divin'-bell somewhere out in th' Pacific Ocean."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, the stout philanthropist, "I think so, an'
+thin again I dinnaw. I don't think we threat thim r-right. If I was th'
+gover'mint, I'd take what they got, but I'd say, 'Here, take this
+tin-dollar bill an' go out an' dhrink ye'ersilf to death,' I'd say. They
+ought to have some show."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if ye feel that way, ye ought to go an' inlist
+as an Indyun."
+
+
+
+
+ON GOLF.
+
+
+"An' what's this game iv goluf like, I dinnaw?" said Mr. Hennessy,
+lighting his pipe with much unnecessary noise. "Ye're a good deal iv a
+spoort, Jawnny: did ye iver thry it?"
+
+"No," said Mr. McKenna. "I used to roll a hoop onct upon a time, but I'm
+out of condition now."
+
+"It ain't like base-ball," said Mr. Hennessy, "an' it ain't like shinny,
+an' it ain't like lawn-teenis, an' it ain't like forty-fives, an' it
+ain't"--
+
+"Like canvas-back duck or anny other game ye know," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"Thin what is it like?" said Mr. Hennessy. "I see be th' pa-aper that
+Hobart What-d'ye-call-him is wan iv th' best at it. Th' other day he
+made a scoor iv wan hundherd an' sixty-eight, but whether 'twas miles or
+stitches I cudden't make out fr'm th' raypoorts."
+
+"'Tis little ye know," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' game iv goluf is as old as
+th' hills. Me father had goluf links all over his place, an', whin I was
+a kid, 'twas wan iv th' principal spoorts iv me life, afther I'd dug the
+turf f'r th' avenin', to go out and putt"--
+
+"Poot, ye mean," said Mr. Hennessy. "They'se no such wurrud in th'
+English language as putt. Belinda called me down ha-ard on it no more
+thin las' night."
+
+"There ye go!" said Mr. Dooley, angrily. "There ye go! D'ye think this
+here game iv goluf is a spellin' match? 'Tis like ye, Hinnissy, to be
+refereein' a twinty-round glove contest be th' rule iv three. I tell ye
+I used to go out in th' avenin' an' putt me mashie like hell-an'-all,
+till I was knowed fr'm wan end iv th' county to th' other as th'
+champeen putter. I putted two men fr'm Roscommon in wan day, an' they
+had to be took home on a dure.
+
+"In America th' ga-ame is played more ginteel, an' is more like
+cigareet-smokin', though less unhealthy f'r th' lungs. 'Tis a good game
+to play in a hammick whin ye're all tired out fr'm social duties or
+shovellin' coke. Out-iv-dure golf is played be th' followin' rules. If
+ye bring ye'er wife f'r to see th' game, an' she has her name in th'
+paper, that counts ye wan. So th' first thing ye do is to find th'
+raypoorter, an' tell him ye're there. Thin ye ordher a bottle iv brown
+pop, an' have ye'er second fan ye with a towel. Afther this ye'd dhress,
+an' here ye've got to be dam particklar or ye'll be stuck f'r th'
+dhrinks. If ye'er necktie is not on sthraight, that counts ye'er
+opponent wan. If both ye an' ye'er opponent have ye'er neckties on
+crooked, th' first man that sees it gets th' stakes. Thin ye ordher a
+carredge"--
+
+"Order what?" demanded Mr. McKenna.
+
+"A carredge."
+
+"What for?"
+
+"F'r to take ye 'round th' links. Ye have a little boy followin' ye,
+carryin' ye'er clubs. Th' man that has th' smallest little boy it counts
+him two. If th' little boy has th' rickets, it counts th' man in th'
+carredge three. The little boys is called caddies; but Clarence Heaney
+that tol' me all this--he belongs to th' Foorth Wa-ard Goluf an'
+McKinley Club--said what th' little boys calls th' players'd not be fit
+f'r to repeat.
+
+"Well, whin ye dhrive up to th' tea grounds"--
+
+"Th' what?" demanded Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Th' tea grounds, that's like th' homeplate in base-ball or ordherin' a
+piece iv chalk in a game iv spoil five. Its th' beginnin' iv ivrything.
+Whin ye get to th' tea grounds, ye step out, an' have ye're hat irned be
+th' caddie. Thin ye'er man that ye're goin' aginst comes up, an' he asks
+ye, 'Do you know Potther Pammer?' Well, if ye don't know Potther Pammer,
+it's all up with ye: ye lose two points. But ye come right back at him
+with an' upper cut: 'Do ye live on th' Lake Shore dhrive?' If he
+doesn't, ye have him in th' nine hole. Ye needn't play with him anny
+more. But, if ye do play with him, he has to spot three balls. If he's a
+good man an' shifty on his feet, he'll counter be askin' ye where ye
+spend th' summer. Now ye can't tell him that ye spent th' summer with
+wan hook on th' free lunch an' another on th' ticker tape, an' so ye go
+back three. That needn't discourage ye at all, at all. Here's yer chance
+to mix up, an' ye ask him if he was iver in Scotland. If he wasn't, it
+counts ye five. Thin ye tell him that ye had an aunt wanst that heerd
+th' Jook iv Argyle talk in a phonograph; an' onless he comes back an'
+shoots it into ye that he was wanst run over be th' Prince iv Wales, ye
+have him groggy. I don't know whether th' Jook iv Argyle or th' Prince
+iv Wales counts f'r most. They're like th' right an' left bower iv
+thrumps. Th' best players is called scratch-men."
+
+"What's that f'r?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
+
+"It's a Scotch game," said Mr. Dooley, with a wave of his hand. "I
+wonder how it come out to-day. Here's th' pa-aper. Let me see. McKinley
+at Canton. Still there. He niver cared to wandher fr'm his own fireside.
+Collar-button men f'r th' goold standard. Statues iv Heidelback,
+Ickleheimer an' Company to be erected in Washington. Another Vanderbilt
+weddin'. That sounds like goluf, but it ain't. Newport society livin' in
+Mrs. Potther Pammer's cellar. Green-goods men declare f'r honest money.
+Anson in foorth place some more. Pianny tuners f'r McKinley. Li Hung
+Chang smells a rat. Abner McKinley supports th' goold standard. Wait a
+minyit. Here it is: 'Goluf in gay attire.' Let me see. H'm. 'Foozled his
+aproach,'--nasty thing. 'Topped th' ball.' 'Three up an' two to play.'
+Ah, here's the scoor. 'Among those prisint were Messrs. an' Mesdames"--
+
+"Hol' on!" cried Mr. Hennessy, grabbing the paper out of his friend's
+hands. "That's thim that was there."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, decisively, "that's th' goluf scoor."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE FRENCH CHARACTER.
+
+
+"Th' Fr-rinch," said Mr. Dooley, "ar-re a tumulchuse people."
+
+"Like as not," said Mr. Hennessy, "there's some of our blood in thim. A
+good manny iv our people wint over wanst. They cudden't all've been kilt
+at Fontenoy."
+
+"No," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis another kind iv tumulchuse. Whin an
+Irishman rages, 'tis with wan idee in his mind. He's goin' for'ard again
+a single inimy, an' not stone walls or irne chains'll stop him. He may
+pause f'r a dhrink or to take a shy at a polisman,--f'r a polisman's
+always in th' way,--but he's as thrue as th' needle in th' camel's eye,
+as Hogan says, to th' objec' iv his hathred. So he's been f'r four
+hundherd years, an' so he'll always be while they'se an England on th'
+map. Whin England purrishes, th' Irish'll die iv what Hogan calls
+ongwee, which is havin' no wan in the weary wurruld ye don't love.
+
+"But with th' Fr-rinch 'tis diff'rent. I say 'tis diffrent with th'
+Fr-rinch. They're an onaisy an' a thrubbled people. They start out down
+th' street, loaded up with obscenthe an' cigareets, pavin' blocks an'
+walkin' sthicks an' shtove lids in their hands, cryin', 'A base Cap
+Dhry-fuss!' th' cap bein' far off in a cage, by dad. So far, so good. 'A
+base Cap Dhry-fuss!' says I; 'an' the same to all thraitors, an' manny
+iv thim, whether they ar-re or not.' But along comes a man with a poor
+hat. 'Where did he get th' hat?' demands th' mob. Down with th' bad
+tile!' they say. 'A base th' lid!' An' they desthroy th' hat, an' th'
+man undher it succumbs to th' rule iv th' majority an' jines th' mob. On
+they go till they come to a restaurant. 'Ha,' says they, 'th' re-sort iv
+th' infamious Duclose.' 'His char-rges ar-re high,' says wan. 'I found a
+fish-bone in his soup,' says another. 'He's a thraitor,' says a third.
+'A base th' soup kitchen! A base th' caafe!' says they; an' they seize
+th' unfortunate Duclose, an' bate him an' upset his kettles iv broth.
+Manetime where's Cap Dhry-fuss? Off in his comfortable cage, swingin' on
+th' perch an' atin' seed out iv a small bottle stuck in th' wire. Be th'
+time th' mob has desthroyed what they see on th' way, they've f'rgot th'
+Cap intirely; an' he's safe f'r another day.
+
+"'Tis unforch'nit, but 'tis thrue. Th' Fr-rinch ar-re not steady ayether
+in their politics or their morals. That's where they get done be th'
+hated British. Th' diff'rence in furrin' policies is the diff'rence
+between a second-rate safe blower an' a first-class boonco steerer. Th'
+Fr-rinch buy a ton iv dinnymite, spind five years in dhrillin' a hole
+through a steel dure, blow open th' safe, lose a leg or an ar-rm, an'
+get away with th' li'bilities iv th' firm. Th' English dhress up f'r a
+Methodist preacher, stick a piece iv lead pipe in th' tails iv their
+coat in case iv emargency, an' get all th' money there is in th' line.
+
+"In th' fr-ront dure comes th' Englishman with a coon king on ayether
+ar-rm that's jus' loaned him their kingdoms on a prom'ssory note, and
+discovers th' Fr-rinchman emargin' frim th' roons iv th' safe. 'What
+ar-re ye doin' here?' says th' Englishman. 'Robbin' th' naygurs,' says
+th' Fr-rinchman, bein' thruthful as well as polite. 'Wicked man,' says
+th' Englishman. 'What ar-re ye doin' here?' says the Fr-rinchman.
+'Improvin' the morals iv th' inhabitants,' says th' Englishman. 'Is it
+not so, Rastus?' he says. 'It is,' says wan iv th' kings. 'I'm a poorer
+but a betther man since ye came,' he says. 'Yes,' says th' Englishman,
+'I pro-pose f'r to thruly rayform this onhappy counthry,' he says. 'This
+benighted haythen on me exthreme left has been injooced to cut out a
+good dale iv his wife's business,' he says, 'an' go through life
+torminted be on'y wan spouse,' he says. 'Th' r-rest will go to wurruk
+f'r me,' he says. 'All crap games bein' particular ongodly'll be undher
+th' con-throl iv th' gover'mint, which,' he says, 'is me. Policy
+shops'll be r-run carefully, an' I've appinted Rastus here
+Writer-in-Waitin' to her Majesty,' he says.
+
+"'Th' r-rum they dhrink in these par-rts,' he says, 'is fearful,' he
+says. 'What shall we do to stop th' ac-cursed thraffic? Sell thim gin,'
+says I. ''Tis shameful they shud go out with nawthin' to hide their
+nakedness,' he says. 'I'll fetch thim clothes; but,' he says, cas th'
+weather's too war-rum f'r clothes, I'll not sell thim annything that'll
+last long,' he says. 'If it wasn't f'r relligion,' he says, 'I don't
+know what th' 'ell th' wurruld wud come to,' he says. 'Who's relligion?'
+says th' Fr-rinchman. 'My relligion,' says th' Englishman. 'These pore,
+benighted savidges,' he says, ''ll not be left to yer odjious morals an'
+yer hootchy-kootchy school iv thought,' he says, 'but,' he says, 'undher
+th' binif'cint r-rule iv a wise an' thrue gover'mint,' he says, ''ll be
+thurly prepared f'r hivin,' he says, 'whin their time comes to go,' he
+says, 'which I thrust will not be long,' he says. 'So I'll thank ye to
+be off,' he says, 'or I'll take th' thick end iv the slung-shot to ye,'
+he says.
+
+"Th' Fr-rinchman is a br-rave man, an' he'd stay an' have it out on th'
+flure; but some wan calls, 'A base th' Chinnyman!' an' off he goes on
+another thrack. An', whin he gets to th' Chinnymen, he finds th'
+English've abased thim already. An' so he dances fr'm wan par-rt th'
+wurruld to another like a riochous an' happy flea, an' divvle th' bit iv
+progress he makes, on'y thrubble f'r others an' a merry life f'r
+himsilf."
+
+"If England wint to war with France," said Mr. Hennessy, suddenly, "I'd
+be f'r France."
+
+"So ye wud, Hinnissy. So ye wud," said Mr. Dooley. "An' I'm not sayin'
+that I wudden't f'aget that I'm an Anglo-Saxon long enough to take wan
+crack at th' Prince iv Wales with a coupli' pin mesilf."
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE AND IN WAR***
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+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" />
+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Mr. Dooley in Peace and in War, by Finley Peter Dunne</title>
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+<body>
+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Mr. Dooley in Peace and in War, by Finley
+Peter Dunne</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Mr. Dooley in Peace and in War</p>
+<p>Author: Finley Peter Dunne</p>
+<p>Release Date: September 7, 2007  [eBook #22537]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE AND IN WAR***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>E-text prepared by Suzanne Shell, Graeme Mackreth,<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus01.jpg" alt="cover"  />
+</p>
+
+
+<h1>
+Mr. DOOLEY<br />
+In Peace and in War
+</h1>
+
+<p class="center">
+<img src="images/illus02.png" alt="thingo"  />
+
+</p>
+
+
+
+<p class='center' style="margin-top: 3em;"><small>
+Boston<br />
+Small, Maynard &amp; Company<br />
+1899</small>
+</p>
+
+<p class='center'><small>
+<i>Copyright, 1898, by the Chicago Journal</i><br />
+<i>Copyright, 1898, by Small, Maynard &amp; Company</i><br /></small>
+</p>
+
+<p class='center'><small>
+<i>First Edition (10,000 copies) November, 1898</i><br />
+<i>Second Edition (10,000 copies) December, 1898</i><br />
+<i>Third Edition (10,000 copies) January, 1899</i></small>
+</p>
+
+<p class='center'><small><i>Press of George H. Ellis, Boston, U.S.A.</i></small></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>TO W.H. TURNER</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>PREFACE.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Archey Road stretches back for many miles from the heart of an ugly city
+to the cabbage gardens that gave the maker of the seal his opportunity
+to call the city "urbs in horto." Somewhere between the two&mdash;that is to
+say, forninst th' gas-house and beyant Healey's slough and not far from
+the polis station&mdash;lives Martin Dooley, doctor of philosophy.</p>
+
+<p>There was a time when Archey Road was purely Irish. But the Huns, turned
+back from the Adriatic and the stock-yards and overrunning Archey Road,
+have nearly exhausted the original population,&mdash;not driven them out as
+they drove out less vigorous races, with thick clubs and short spears,
+but edged them out with the more biting weapons of modern
+civilization,&mdash;overworked and under-eaten them into more languid
+surroundings remote from the tanks of the gas-house and the blast
+furnaces of the rolling-mill.</p>
+
+<p>But Mr. Dooley remains, and enough remain with him to save the Archey
+Road. In this community you can hear all the various accents of Ireland,
+from the awkward brogue of the "far-downer" to the mild and aisy
+Elizabethan English of the southern Irishman, and all the exquisite
+variations to be heard between Armagh and Bantry Bay, with the
+difference that would naturally arise from substituting cinders and
+sulphuretted hydrogen for soft misty air and peat smoke. Here also you
+can see the wakes and christenings, the marriages and funerals, and the
+other f&ecirc;tes of the ol' counthry somewhat modified and darkened by
+American usage. The Banshee has been heard many times in Archey Road. On
+the eve of All Saints' Day it is well known that here alone the pookies
+play thricks in cabbage gardens. In 1893 it was reported that Malachi
+Dempsey was called "by the other people," and disappeared west of the
+tracks, and never came back.</p>
+
+<p>A simple people! "Simple, says ye!" remarked Mr. Dooley. "Simple like
+th' air or th' deep sea. Not complicated like a watch that stops whin
+th' shoot iv clothes ye got it with wears out. Whin Father Butler
+wr-rote a book he niver finished, he said simplicity was not wearin' all
+ye had on ye'er shirt-front, like a tin-horn gambler with his di'mon'
+stud. An' 'tis so."</p>
+
+<p>The barbarians around them are moderately but firmly governed,
+encouraged to passionate votings for the ruling race, but restrained
+from the immoral pursuit of office.</p>
+
+<p>The most generous, thoughtful, honest, and chaste people in the world
+are these friends of Mr. Dooley,&mdash;knowing and innocent; moral, but
+giving no heed at all to patented political moralities.</p>
+
+<p>Among them lives and prospers the traveller, arch&aelig;ologist, historian,
+social observer, saloon-keeper, economist, and philosopher, who has not
+been out of the ward for twenty-five years "but twict." He reads the
+newspapers with solemn care, heartily hates them, and accepts all they
+print for the sake of drowning Hennessy's rising protests against his
+logic. From the cool heights of life in the Archey Road, uninterrupted
+by the jarring noises of crickets and cows, he observes the passing
+show, and meditates thereon. His impressions are transferred to the
+desensitized plate of Mr. Hennessy's mind, where they can do no harm.</p>
+
+<p>"There's no betther place to see what's goin' on thin the Ar-rchey
+Road," says Mr. Dooley. "Whin th' ilicthric cars is hummin' down th'
+sthreet an' th' blast goin' sthrong at th' mills, th' noise is that
+gr-reat ye can't think."</p>
+
+<p>He is opulent in good advice, as becomes a man of his station; for he
+has mastered most of the obstacles in a business career, and by leading
+a prudent and temperate life has established himself so well that he
+owns his own house and furniture, and is only slightly behind on his
+license. It would be indelicate to give statistics as to his age. Mr.
+Hennessy says he was a "grown man whin th' pikes was out in forty-eight,
+an' I was hedge-high, an' I'm near fifty-five." Mr. Dooley says Mr.
+Hennessy is eighty. He closes discussion on his own age with the remark,
+"I'm old enough to know betther." He has served his country with
+distinction. His conduct of the important office of captain of his
+precinct (1873-75) was highly commended, and there was some talk of
+nominating him for alderman. At the expiration of his term he was
+personally thanked by the Hon. M. McGee, at one time a member of the
+central committee. But the activity of public life was unsuited to a man
+of Mr. Dooley's tastes; and, while he continues to view the political
+situation always with interest and sometimes with alarm, he has
+resolutely declined to leave the bar for the forum. His early
+experience gave him wisdom in discussing public affairs. "Politics," he
+says, "ain't bean bag. 'Tis a man's game; an' women, childher, an'
+pro-hybitionists'd do well to keep out iv it." Again he remarks, "As
+Shakespeare says, 'Ol' men f'r th' council, young men f'r th' ward.'"</p>
+
+<p>An attempt has been made in this book to give permanent form to a few of
+the more characteristic and important of Mr. Dooley's utterances. For
+permission to reprint the articles the thanks of the editor are due to
+Mr. George G. Booth, of the Chicago <i>Journal</i>, and to Mr. Dooley's
+constant friend, Mr. H.H. Kohlsaat, of the Chicago <i>Evening Post</i>.</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left: 30em;"><span class="smcap">f. p. d.</span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CONTENTS.</h2>
+<p>
+<a href="#MR_DOOLEY_IN_WAR"><b>MR. DOOLEY IN WAR</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_DIPLOMACY"><b>ON DIPLOMACY.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_WAR_PREPARATIONS"><b>ON WAR PREPARATIONS</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_FITZ-HUGH_LEE"><b>ON FITZ-HUGH LEE.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_MULES_AND_OTHERS"><b>ON MULES AND OTHERS</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_HIS_COUSIN_GEORGE"><b>ON HIS COUSIN GEORGE.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_SOME_ARMY_APPOINTMENTS"><b>ON SOME ARMY APPOINTMENTS.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_STRATEGY"><b>ON STRATEGY.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_GENERAL_MILESS_MOONLIGHT_EXCURSION"><b>ON GENERAL MILES'S MOONLIGHT EXCURSION.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_ADMIRAL_DEWEYS_ACTIVITY"><b>ON ADMIRAL DEWEY'S ACTIVITY.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_THE_PHILIPPINES"><b>ON THE PHILIPPINES.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_PRAYERS_FOR_VICTORY"><b>ON PRAYERS FOR VICTORY.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_THE_ANGLO-SAXON"><b>ON THE ANGLO-SAXON.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_A_LETTER_FROM_THE_FRONT"><b>ON A LETTER FROM THE FRONT.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_OUR_CUBAN_ALLIES"><b>ON OUR CUBAN ALLIES.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_THE_DESTRUCTION_OF_CERVERAS_FLEET"><b>ON THE DESTRUCTION OF CERVERA'S FLEET.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_A_LETTER_TO_MR_DEPEW"><b>ON A LETTER TO MR. DEPEW.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_THE_PRESIDENTS_CAT"><b>ON THE PRESIDENT'S CAT.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_A_SPEECH_BY_PRESIDENT_McKINLEY"><b>ON A SPEECH BY PRESIDENT McKINLEY.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_THE_HERO_IN_POLITICS"><b>ON THE HERO IN POLITICS.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#MR_DOOLEY_IN_PEACE"><b>MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_NEW_YEARS_RESOLUTIONS"><b>ON NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_GOLD-SEEKING"><b>ON GOLD-SEEKING.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_BOOKS"><b>ON BOOKS.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_REFORM_CANDIDATES"><b>ON REFORM CANDIDATES.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_PATERNAL_DUTY"><b>ON PATERNAL DUTY.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_CRIMINALS"><b>ON CRIMINALS.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_A_PLOT"><b>ON A PLOT.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_THE_NEW_WOMAN"><b>ON THE NEW WOMAN.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_EXPERT_TESTIMONY"><b>ON EXPERT TESTIMONY.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_THE_POPULARITY_OF_FIREMEN"><b>ON THE POPULARITY OF FIREMEN.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_THE_GAME_OF_FOOTBALL"><b>ON THE GAME OF FOOTBALL.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_THE_NECESSITY_OF_MODESTY_AMONG_THE_RICH"><b>ON THE NECESSITY OF MODESTY AMONG THE RICH.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_THE_POWER_OF_LOVE"><b>ON THE POWER OF LOVE.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_THE_VICTORIAN_ERA"><b>ON THE VICTORIAN ERA.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_THE_CURRENCY_QUESTION"><b>ON THE CURRENCY QUESTION.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_POLITICAL_PARADES"><b>ON POLITICAL PARADES.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_CHARITY"><b>ON CHARITY.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_NANSEN"><b>ON NANSEN.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_A_POPULIST_CONVENTION"><b>ON A POPULIST CONVENTION.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_A_FAMILY_REUNION"><b>ON A FAMILY REUNION.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_A_FAMOUS_WEDDING"><b>ON A FAMOUS WEDDING.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_A_QUARREL_BETWEEN_ENGLAND_AND_GERMANY"><b>ON A QUARREL BETWEEN ENGLAND AND GERMANY.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_ORATORY_IN_POLITICS"><b>ON ORATORY IN POLITICS.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_CHRISTMAS_GIFTS"><b>ON CHRISTMAS GIFTS.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_ANARCHISTS"><b>ON ANARCHISTS.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_THE_DREYFUS_CASE"><b>ON THE DREYFUS CASE.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_THE_DECADENCE_OF_GREECE"><b>ON THE DECADENCE OF GREECE.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_THE_INDIAN_WAR"><b>ON THE INDIAN WAR.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_GOLF"><b>ON GOLF.</b></a><br />
+<br />
+<a href="#ON_THE_FRENCH_CHARACTER"><b>ON THE FRENCH CHARACTER.</b></a>
+</p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="MR_DOOLEY_IN_WAR" id="MR_DOOLEY_IN_WAR"></a>MR. DOOLEY IN WAR</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_DIPLOMACY" id="ON_DIPLOMACY"></a>ON DIPLOMACY.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"I'll explain it to ye," said Mr. Dooley. "'Tis this way. Ye see, this
+here Sagasta is a boonco steerer like Canada Bill, an' th' likes iv him.
+A smart man is this Sagasta, an' wan that can put a crimp in th' ca-ards
+that ye cudden't take out with a washerwoman's wringer. He's been
+through manny a ha-ard game. Talk about th' County Dimocracy picnic,
+where a three-ca-ard man goes in debt ivry time he hurls th' broads,
+'tis nawthin' to what this here Spanish onion has been again an' beat.
+F'r years an' years he's played on'y profissionals. Th' la-ads he's
+tackled have more marked ca-ards in their pockets thin a preacher fr'm
+Mitchigan an' more bad money thin ye cud shake out iv th' coat-tail
+pockets iv a prosp'rous banker fr'm Injianny. He's been up again
+Gladstun an' Bisma-arck an' ol' what-ye-call-'im, th' Eyetalian,&mdash;his
+name's got away from me,&mdash;an' he's done thim all.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, business is bad. No wan will play with him. No money's comin'
+in. Th' circus has moved on to th' nex' town, an' left him without a
+customer. Th' Jew man that loaned him th' bank-roll threatens to seize
+th' ca-ards on' th' table. Whin, lo an' behold, down th' sthreet comes a
+ma-an fr'm th' counthry,&mdash;a lawyer fr'm Ohio, with a gripsack in his
+hand. Oh, but he's a proud man. He's been in town long enough f'r to get
+out iv th' way iv th' throlley ca-ar whin th' bell rings. He's larned
+not to thry an' light his see-gar at th' ilicthric light. He doesn't
+offer to pay th' ilivator ma-an f'r carryin' him upstairs. He's got so
+he can pass a tall buildin' without thryin' f'r to turn a back
+summersault. An' he's as haughty about it as a new man on an ice-wagon.
+They'se nawthin' ye can tell him. He thinks iv himsilf goin' back to
+Canton with a r-red necktie on, an' settin' on a cracker box an' tellin'
+th' lads whin they come in fr'm pitchin' hor-rseshoes what a hot time
+he's had, an' how he's seen th' hootchy-kootchy an' th' Pammer House
+barber shop, an' th' other ondacint sights iv a gr-reat city.</p>
+
+<p>"An' so he comes up to where Sagasta is kind iv throwin' th' ca-ards
+idly on th' top iv th' bar'l, an' Sagasta pipes him out iv th' corner iv
+his eye, an' says to himsilf: 'Oh, I dinnaw,' an' thanks hiven f'r th'
+law that has a sucker bor-rn ivry minyit. An' th' la-ad fr'm Canton
+thinks he can pick out th' Jack, an' sometimes he can an' sometimes he
+can't; but th' end iv it is th' Spanyard has him thrimmed down to his
+chest protector, an' he'll be goin' back to Canton in a blanket. Ye see
+it ain't his game. If it was pitchin' hor-rseshoes, 'twud be diff'rent.
+He cud bate Sagasta at that. He cud do him at rasslin' or chasin' th'
+greased pig, or in a wan-legged race or th' tug-iv-war. He cud make him
+look foolish at liftin' a kag iv beer or hitchin' up a team. But, whin
+it comes to di-plo-macy, th' Spanyard has him again th' rail, an' counts
+on him till his ar-rm is sore."</p>
+
+<p>"Why don't he tur-rn in an' fight?" demanded the patriotic Mr.
+Hennessy.</p>
+
+<p>"Lord knows," said Mr. Dooley. "Mebbe 'twill tur-rn out th' way it did
+with two frinds iv mine. They was Joe Larkin an' a little r-red-headed
+man be th' name iv O'Brien, an' they wint out to th' picanic at Ogden's
+grove, where wanst a year Ireland's freed. They was a shell ma-an
+wurrukin' near th' fence, an' Larkin says, says he: 'He's aisy. Lave me
+have some money, an' we'll do him. I can see th' pea go undher th' shell
+ivry time.' So O'Brien bein' a hot spoort loaned him th' money, an' he
+wint at it. Ivry time Larkin cud see th' pea go undher th' shell as
+plain as day. Wanst or twict th' shell man was so careless that he left
+th' pea undher th' edge iv th' shell. But in five minyits all iv
+O'Brien's money was in th' bad ma-an's pockits, an' he was lookin'
+around f'r more foolish pathrites. It took O'Brien some time f'r to
+decide what to do. Thin says he, ''Twas my money this fool blowed in.'
+An' he made a dash f'r th' shell ma'an; an' he not on'y got what he'd
+lost, but all th' r-rest iv th' capital besides. Ye see, that was his
+game. That was where he come in. An' he took th' money an' carrid it
+over to a cor-rner iv th' gr-rounds where a la-ad had wan iv thim
+matcheens where ye pay tin cints f'r th' privilege iv seein' how har-rd
+ye can hit with a sledge-hammer, an' there he stayed till th' polis come
+ar-round to dhrive people off th' gr-rounds."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_WAR_PREPARATIONS" id="ON_WAR_PREPARATIONS"></a>ON WAR PREPARATIONS</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Well," Mr. Hennessy asked, "how goes th' war?"</p>
+
+<p>"Splendid, thank ye," said Mr. Dooley. "Fine, fine. It makes me hear-rt
+throb with pride that I'm a citizen iv th' Sixth Wa-ard."</p>
+
+<p>"Has th' ar-rmy started f'r Cuba yet?"</p>
+
+<p>"Wan ar-rmy, says ye? Twinty! Las' Choosdah an advance ar-rmy iv wan
+hundherd an' twinty thousand men landed fr'm th' Gussie, with tin
+thousand cannons hurlin' projick-tyles weighin' eight hundherd pounds
+sivinteen miles. Winsdah night a second ar-rmy iv injineers, miners,
+plumbers, an' lawn tinnis experts, numberin' in all four hundherd an'
+eighty thousand men, ar-rmed with death-dealin' canned goods, was
+hurried to Havana to storm th' city.</p>
+
+<p>"Thursdah mornin' three thousand full rigimints iv r-rough r-riders swum
+their hor-rses acrost to Matoonzas, an' afther a spirited battle
+captured th' Rainy Christiny golf links, two up an' hell to play, an'
+will hold thim again all comers. Th' same afthernoon th' reg'lar
+cavalry, con-sistin' iv four hundherd an' eight thousan' well-mounted
+men, was loaded aboord th' tug Lucy J., and departed on their earned iv
+death amidst th' cheers iv eight millyon sojers left behind at
+Chickamaha. These cav'lry'll co-operate with Commodore Schlow; an' whin
+he desthroys th' Spanish fleet, as he does ivry Sundah an' holy day
+except in Lent, an' finds out where they ar-re an' desthroys thim,
+afther batterin' down th' forts where they ar-re con-cealed so that he
+can't see thim, but thinks they ar-re on their way f'r to fight Cousin
+George Dooley, th' cav'lry will make a dash back to Tampa, where Gin'ral
+Miles is preparin' to desthroy th' Spanish at wan blow,&mdash;an' he's th'
+boy to blow.</p>
+
+<p>"The gin'ral arrived th' other day, fully prepared f'r th' bloody wurruk
+iv war. He had his intire fam'ly with him. He r-rode recklessly into
+camp, mounted on a superb specyal ca-ar. As himsilf an' Uncle Mike
+Miles, an' Cousin Hennery Miles, an' Master Miles, aged eight years,
+dismounted fr'm th' specyal train, they were received with wild cheers
+be eight millyon iv th' bravest sojers that iver give up their lives f'r
+their counthry. Th' press cinchorship is so pow'rful that no news is
+allowed to go out; but I have it fr'm th' specyal corryspondint iv
+Mesilf, Clancy th' Butcher, Mike Casey, an' th' City Direchtry that
+Gin'ral Miles instantly repaired himsilf to th' hotel, where he made his
+plans f'r cr-rushin' th' Spanyards at wan blow. He will equip th' ar-rmy
+with blow-guns at wanst. His uniforms ar-re comin' down in specyal steel
+protected bullyon trains fr'm th' mint, where they've been kept f'r a
+year. He has ordhered out th' gold resarve f'r to equip his staff,
+numberin' eight thousan' men, manny iv whom ar-re clubmen; an', as soon
+as he can have his pitchers took, he will cr-rush th' Spanish with wan
+blow. Th' purpose iv th' gin'ral is to permit no delay. Decisive action
+is demanded be th' people. An', whin th' hot air masheens has been sint
+to th' front, Gin'ral Miles will strike wan blow that'll be th' damdest
+blow since th' year iv th' big wind in Ireland.</p>
+
+<p>"Iv coorse, they'se dissinsions in th' cabinet; but they don't amount to
+nawthin'. Th' Sicrety iv War is in favor iv sawin' th' Spanish ar-rmy
+into two-be-four joists. Th' Sicrety iv th' Three-asury has a scheme f'r
+roonin' thim be lindin' thim money. Th' Sicrety iv th' Navy wants to sue
+thim befure th' Mattsachusetts Supreme Coort. I've heerd that th'
+Prisident is arrangin' a knee dhrill, with th' idee iv prayin' th'
+villyans to th' divvil. But these diff'rences don't count. We're all wan
+people, an' we look to Gin'ral Miles to desthroy th' Spanish with wan
+blow. Whin it comes, trees will be lifted out be th' roots. Morro
+Castle'll cave in, an' th' air'll be full iv Spanish whiskers. A long
+blow, a sthrong blow, an' a blow all together."</p>
+
+<p>"We're a gr-reat people," said Mr. Hennessy, earnestly.</p>
+
+<p>"We ar-re," said Mr. Dooley. "We ar-re that. An' th' best iv it is, we
+know we ar-re."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_FITZ-HUGH_LEE" id="ON_FITZ-HUGH_LEE"></a>ON FITZ-HUGH LEE.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Iv coorse, he's Irish," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' Fitz-Hughs an' th'
+McHughs an' th' McKeoughs is not far apart. I have a cousin be th' name
+iv McKeough, an' like as not th' gin'ral is a relation iv mine."</p>
+
+<p>"If I was you, I'd write him an' see," said Mr. Hennessy. "He's a
+gr-reat ma-an."</p>
+
+<p>"He is so," said Mr. Dooley. "He is that. Wan iv th' gr-reatest. An' why
+shudden't he be with thim two names? They'se pothry in both iv thim.
+Fitz-Hugh Lee! Did ye iver see a pitcher iv him? A fat ma-an, with a
+head like a football an' a neck big enough to pump blood into his brain
+an' keep it fr'm starvin'. White-haired an' r-red-faced. Th' kind iv
+ma-an that can get mad in ivry vein in his body. Whin he's hot, I bet ye
+his face looks like a fire in a furniture facthry. Whin a ma-an goes
+pale with r-rage, look out f'r a knife in th' back. But, whin he flames
+up so that th' perspi-ration sizzles on his brow, look out f'r hand an'
+feet an' head an' coupling pins an' rapid-firin' guns. Fitz can be ca'm
+whin they'se annything to be ca'm about, but he can't wait. If he was a
+waiter, he'd be wurrukin' at th' thrade. Look at th' jaw iv him! It's
+like a paving block.</p>
+
+<p>"Does Fitz believe in di-plomacy? Not him. He sets there in his office
+in Havana, smokin' a good see-gar, an' a boy comes in an' tells him
+they've jugged an American citizen. He jams his hat down on his eyes,
+an' r-rushes over to where Gin'ral Blanco has his office. 'Look here,'
+says he, 'ye pizenous riptile,' he says, 'if ye don't lave me
+counthryman out iv th' bull-pen in fifteen minyits be th' watch,' he
+says, 'I'll take ye be th' hair iv th' head an' pull ye fr'm th' corner
+iv Halsted Sthreet to th' r-red bridge,' he says. 'Lave us debate this,'
+says Blanco. 'I'll debate nawthin', says Fitz. 'Hurry up, or I'll give
+ye a slap,' he says. 'R-run over an' wake up th' loot at th' station,
+an' let thim Americans out, or,' he says, 'we'll go to the flure,' he
+says.</p>
+
+<p>"That's Fitz. He's ca'm, an' he waits part iv th' time. That's whin he's
+asleep. But, as soon as his eyes opins, his face begins to flare up like
+wan iv thim r-round stoves in a woodman's shanty whin rosiny wood is
+thrun in. An' fr'm that time on till he's r-ready to tur-rn in an' sleep
+peaceful an' quite,&mdash;not like a lamb full iv vigetable food, but like a
+line that's wur-rked ha-ard an' et meat,&mdash;he niver stops rampin' an'
+ragin'. Ye don't hear iv Fitz lookin' worn with th' sthruggle. Ye don't
+r-read iv him missin' anny meals. No one fears that Fitz will break down
+undher th' suspinse. That ain't in th' breed. He's another kind iv a
+man. He hasn't got th' time to be tired an' worrid. He needs food, an'
+he has it; an' he needs sleep, an' he takes it; an' he needs fightin',
+an' he gets it. That's Fitz. They ain't such a lot iv diff'rence between
+th' bravest man in the wurruld an' th' cow'rdliest. Not such a lot. It
+ain't a question iv morality, Hinnissy. I've knowed men that wint to
+church ivry Sundah an' holyday reg'lar, an' give to th' poor an' loved
+their neighbors, an' they wudden't defind their wives against a
+murdherer. An' I've knowed th' worst villyuns on earth that'd die in
+their thracks to save a stranger's child fr'm injury. 'Tis a question iv
+how th' blood is pumped. Whin a man shows th' sthrain, whin he gets thin
+an' pale an' worrid in th' time f'r fightin', he's mighty near a cow'rd.
+But, whin his face flames an' his neck swells an' his eyes look like a
+couple iv ilicthric lamps again a cyclone sky, he'd lead a forlorn hope
+acrost th' battlemints iv hell."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_MULES_AND_OTHERS" id="ON_MULES_AND_OTHERS"></a>ON MULES AND OTHERS</h2>
+
+
+<p>"I see," said Mr. Dooley, "th' first gr-reat land battle iv th' war has
+been fought."</p>
+
+<p>"Where was that?" demanded Mr. Hennessy, in great excitement. "Lord save
+us, but where was that?"</p>
+
+<p>"Th' Alger gyards," said Mr. Dooley, "bruk fr'm th' corral where they
+had thim tied up, atin' thistles, an' med a desp'rate charge on th' camp
+at Tampa. They dayscinded like a whur-rl-wind, dhrivin' th' astonished
+throops before thim, an' thin charged back again, completin' their
+earned iv desthruction. At th' las' account th' brave sojers was
+climbin' threes an' tillygraft poles, an' a rig'mint iv mules was
+kickin' th' pink silk linin' out iv th' officers' quarthers. Th' gallant
+mules was led be a most courageous jackass, an' 'tis undhersthud that me
+frind Mack will appint him a brigadier-gin-ral jus' as soon as he can
+find out who his father is. 'Tis too bad he'll have no childher to
+perpituate th' fame iv him. He wint through th' camp at th' head iv his
+throops iv mules without castin' a shoe. He's th' biggest jackass in
+Tampa to-day, not exciptin' th' cinsor; an' I doubt if they'se a bigger
+wan in Wash'n'ton, though I cud name a few that cud thry a race with
+him. Annyhow, they'll know how to reward him. They know a jackass whin
+they see wan, an' they see a good manny in that peaceful city.</p>
+
+<p>"Th' charge iv Tampa'll go into histhry as th' first land action iv th'
+war. An', be th' way, Hinnissy, if this here sociable is f'r to go on at
+th' prisint rate, I'm sthrong to ar-rm th' wild ar-rmy mules an' the
+unbridled jackasses iv th' pe-rary an' give thim a chanst to set Cuba
+free. Up to this time th' on'y hero kilt on th' Spanish side was a
+jackass that poked an ear above th' batthries at Matoonzas f'r to hear
+what was goin' on. 'Behold,' says Sampson, 'th' insolince iv th' foe,'
+he says. 'For-rm in line iv battle, an' hur-rl death an' desthruction at
+yon Castilyan gin'ral.' 'Wait,' says an officer. 'It may be wan iv our
+own men. It looks like th' Sicrety iv'&mdash;'Hush!' says th' commander. 'It
+can't be an American jackass, or he'd speak,' he says. 'Fire on him.'
+Shot afther shot fell round th' inthrepid ass; but he remained firm till
+th' dinnymite boat Vesoovyus fired three hundherd an' forty thousand
+pounds iv gum cotton at him, an' the poor crather was smothered to
+death. Now, says I, give these Tampa mules a chanst, an' we'll have no
+need iv wastin' ammun-ni-tion. Properly led, they'd go fr'm wan end iv
+Cuba to th' other, kickin' th' excelsior out iv ivry stuffed Spanish
+gin'ral fr'm Bahoohoo Hoondoo to Sandago de Cuba. They'd be no loss iv
+life. Th' sojers who haven't gone away cud come home an' get cured iv
+th' measles an' th' whoopin'-cough an' th' cholera infantum befure th'
+public schools opens in th' fall, an' ivrything wud be peaceful an'
+quiet an' prosp'rous. Th' officers in th' field at prisint is well
+qualified f'r command iv th' new ar-rmy; an', if they'd put blinders on
+th' mules, they wudden't be scared back be wan iv thim Spanish fleets
+that a jackass sees whin he's been up all night, secretly stuffing
+himsilf with silo. They'd give wan hew-haw, an' follow their leaders
+through th' hear-rt iv th' inimy's counthry. But give thim th' wurrud to
+git ap, an' they'd ate their thistles undher th' guns iv some ol' Morro
+Castle befure night.</p>
+
+<p>"Ye don't see th' diff'rence, says ye. They ain't anny i' th' leaders.
+As efficient a lot iv mules as iver exposed their ears. Th' throuble is
+with th' rank an' file. They're men. What's needed to carry on this war
+as it goes to-day is an ar-rmy iv jacks an' mules. Whin ye say to a man,
+'Git ap, whoa, gee, back up, get alang!' he don't know what ye'er
+dhrivin' at or to. But a mule hears th' ordhers with a melancholy smile,
+dhroops his ears, an' follows his war-rm, moist breath. Th' ordhers fr'm
+Washin'ton is perfectly comprehinsible to a jackass, but they don't mane
+annything to a poor, foolish man. No human bein', Hinnissy, can
+undherstand what the divvie use it was to sink a ship that cost two
+hundherd thousan' dollars an' was worth at laste eighty dollars in
+Sandago Harbor, if we have to keep fourteen ships outside to prevint
+five Spanish ships fr'm sailin'. Th' poor, tired human mind don't
+tumble, Hinnissy, to th' raison f'r landin' four hundherd marines at
+Guanotommy to clear th' forests, whin Havana is livin' free on hot
+tamales an' ice-cream. Th' mind iv a Demostheens or a Tim Hogan would be
+crippled thryin' to figure out why throops ar-re sint out fr'm Tampa an'
+thin ordhered back through a speakin' chube, while wan iv th' new
+briga-deer-gin'rals has his hands manicured an' says good-by to his
+nurse. But it ought to be as plain to th' mule that hears it as it is to
+th' jackasses that gets it up. What we need, Hinnissy, is a perfect
+undherstandin' between th' ar-rmy an' th' administhration. We need what
+Hogan calls th' esphrite th' corpse, an' we'll on'y have it whin th'
+mules begins to move."</p>
+
+<p>"I shud think," said Mr. Hennessy, "now that th' jackasses has begun to
+be onaisy"&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"We ought to be afraid th' cabinet an' th' Boord iv Sthrateejy 'll be
+stampeded?" Mr. Dooley interrupted. "Niver fear. They're too near th'
+fodder."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_HIS_COUSIN_GEORGE" id="ON_HIS_COUSIN_GEORGE"></a>ON HIS COUSIN GEORGE.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, in tones of chastened joy: "Dewey didn't do a
+thing to thim. I hope th' poor la-ad ain't cooped up there in
+Minneapolis."</p>
+
+<p>"Niver fear," said Mr. Dooley, calmly. "Cousin George is all r-right."</p>
+
+<p>"Cousin George?" Mr. Hennessy exclaimed.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure," said Mr. Dooley. "Dewey or Dooley, 'tis all th' same. We dhrop a
+letter here an' there, except th' haitches,&mdash;we niver dhrop thim,&mdash;but
+we're th' same breed iv fightin' men. Georgy has th' thraits iv th'
+fam'ly. Me uncle Mike, that was a handy man, was tol' wanst he'd be sint
+to hell f'r his manny sins, an' he desarved it; f'r, lavin' out th' wan
+sin iv runnin' away fr'm annywan, he was booked f'r ivrything from
+murdher to missin' mass. 'Well,' he says, 'anny place I can get into,'
+he says, 'I can get out iv,' he says. 'Ye bet on that,' he says.</p>
+
+<p>"So it is with Cousin George. He knew th' way in, an' it's th' same way
+out. He didn't go in be th' fam'ly inthrance, sneakin' along with th'
+can undher his coat. He left Ding Dong, or whativer 'tis ye call it, an'
+says he, 'Thank Gawd,' he says, 'I'm where no man can give me his idees
+iv how to r-run a quiltin' party, an' call it war,' he says. An' so he
+sint a man down in a divin' shute, an' cut th' cables, so's Mack
+cudden't chat with him. Thin he prances up to th' Spanish forts, an'
+hands thim a few oranges. Tosses thim out like a man throwin' handbills
+f'r a circus. 'Take that,' he says, 'an' raymimber th' Maine,' he says.
+An' he goes into th' harbor, where Admiral What-th'-'ell is, an', says
+he, 'Surrinder,' he says. 'Niver,' says th' Dago. 'Well,' says Cousin
+George, 'I'll just have to push ye ar-round,' he says. An' he tosses a
+few slugs at th' Spanyards. Th' Spanish admiral shoots at him with a bow
+an' arrow, an' goes over an' writes a cable. 'This mornin' we was
+attackted,' he says. 'An' he says, 'we fought the inimy with great
+courage,' he says. 'Our victhry is complete,' he says. 'We have lost
+ivrything we had,' he says. 'Th' threachrous foe,' he says, 'afther
+destroyin' us, sought refuge behind a mud-scow,' he says; 'but nawthin'
+daunted us. What boats we cudden't r-run ashore we surrindered,' he
+says. 'I cannot write no more,' he says, 'as me coat-tails are afire,'
+he says; 'an' I am bravely but rapidly leapin' fr'm wan vessel to
+another, followed be me valiant crew with a fire-engine,' he says. 'If I
+can save me coat-tails,' he says, 'they'll be no kick comin', he says.
+'Long live Spain, long live mesilf.'</p>
+
+<p>"Well, sir, in twinty-eight minyits be th' clock Dewey he had all th'
+Spanish boats sunk, an' that there harbor lookin' like a Spanish stew.
+Thin he r-run down th' bay, an' handed a few war-rm wans into th' town.
+He set it on fire, an' thin wint ashore to war-rm his poor hands an'
+feet. It chills th' blood not to have annything to do f'r an hour or
+more."</p>
+
+<p>"Thin why don't he write something?" Mr. Hennessy demanded.</p>
+
+<p>"Write?" echoed Mr. Dooley. "Write? Why shud he write? D'ye think Cousin
+George ain't got nawthin' to do but to set down with a fountain pen, an'
+write: 'Dear Mack,&mdash;At 8 o'clock I begun a peaceful blockade iv this
+town. Ye can see th' pieces ivrywhere. I hope ye're injyin' th' same
+gr-reat blessin'. So no more at prisint. Fr'm ye'ers thruly, George
+Dooley.' He ain't that kind. 'Tis a nice day, an' he's there smokin' a
+good tin-cint see-gar, an' throwin' dice f'r th' dhrinks. He don't care
+whether we know what he's done or not. I'll bet ye, whin we come to find
+out about him, we'll hear he's ilicted himself king iv th' F'lip-ine
+Islands. Dooley th' Wanst. He'll be settin' up there undher a pa'm-three
+with naygurs fannin' him an' a dhrop iv licker in th' hollow iv his
+ar-rm, an' hootchy-kootchy girls dancin' befure him, an' ivry tin or
+twinty minyits some wan bringin' a prisoner in. 'Who's this?' says King
+Dooley. 'A Spanish gin'ral,' says th' copper. 'Give him a typewriter
+an' set him to wurruk,' says th' king. 'On with th' dance,' he says. An'
+afther awhile, whin he gits tired iv th' game, he'll write home an' say
+he's got the islands; an' he'll tur-rn thim over to th' gover'mint an'
+go back to his ship, an' Mark Hanna'll organize th' F'lip-ine Islands
+Jute an' Cider Comp'ny, an' th' rivolutchinists'll wish they hadn't.
+That's what'll happen. Mark me wurrud."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_SOME_ARMY_APPOINTMENTS" id="ON_SOME_ARMY_APPOINTMENTS"></a>ON SOME ARMY APPOINTMENTS.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I didn't vote f'r Mack, but I'm with him
+now. I had me doubts whether he was th' gr-reatest military janius iv
+th' cinchry, but they'se no question about it. We go into this war, if
+we iver do go into it, with th' most fash'n-able ar-rmy that iver
+creased its pants. 'Twill be a daily hint fr'm Paris to th' crool foe.</p>
+
+<p>"Other gin'rals iv th' r-rough-house kind, like Napoleon Bonypart, th'
+impror iv th' Frinch, Gin'ral Ulis S. Grant, an' Cousin George Dooley,
+hired coarse, rude men that wudden't know th' diff'rence between goluf
+an' crokay, an' had their pants tucked in their boots an' chewed tobacco
+be th' pound. Thank Hivin, McKinley knows betther thin to sind th' likes
+iv thim abroad to shock our frinds be dumpin' their coffee into
+thimsilves fr'm a saucer.</p>
+
+<p>"Th' dure bell rings, an' a futman in liv'ry says: 'I'm Master Willie
+Dooselbery's man, an' he's come to be examined f'r th' army,' says he.
+'Admit him,' says McKinley; an' Master Willie enters, accompanied be his
+val-lay, his mah an' pah an' th' comity iv th' goluf club. 'Willie,'
+says th' Prisident, 'ye ar-re enthrin' upon a gloryous car-eer, an' 'tis
+nic'ssry that ye shud be thurly examined, so that ye can teach th'
+glories iv civilization to th' tyr-ranies iv Europe that is supported be
+ye'er pah an' mah,' he says. ''Twud be a tur-r'ble thing,' he says, 'if
+some day they shud meet a Spanish gin'ral in Mahdrid, an' have him say
+to thim, "I seen ye'er son Willie durin' th' war wearin' a stovepipe hat
+an' tan shoes." Let us begin th' examination,' he says. 'Ar-re ye a good
+goluf player?' 'I am,' says Willie. 'Thin I appint ye a liftnant. What
+we need in th' ar-rmy is good goluf players,' he says. 'In our former
+war,' he says, 'we had th' misfortune to have men in command that didn't
+know th' diff'rence between a goluf stick an' a beecycle; an' what was
+th' raysult? We foozled our approach at Bull R-run,' he says. 'Ar-re ye
+a mimber iv anny clubs?' he says. 'Four,' says Willie. 'Thin I make ye a
+major,' he says. 'Where d'ye get ye'er pants?' he says. 'Fr'm England,'
+says Willie. 'Gloryous,' says McKinley. 'I make ye a colonel,' he says.
+'Let me thry ye in tactics,' he says. 'Suppose ye was confronted be a
+Spanish ar-rmy in th' afthernoon, how wud ye dhress?' he says. 'I'd wear
+a stovepipe hat, a long coat, a white vest, an' lavender pants,' says
+Willie. 'An' if th' attack was be night?' he says. 'I'd put on me dhress
+shoot, an' go out to meet thim,' says Willie. 'A thuro sojer,' says
+McKinley. 'Suppose th' sociable lasted all night?' he says. 'I'd sound
+th' rethreat at daybreak, an' have me brave boys change back,' he says,
+'to suitable appar'l,' he says. 'Masterly,' says McKinley. 'I will sind
+ye'er name in as a brigadier-gin'ral,' he says. 'Thank Gawd, th'
+r-rich,' he says, 'is brave an' pathriotic,' he says. 'Ye will jine th'
+other boys fr'm th' club at Tampa,' he says. 'Ye shud be careful iv
+ye'er equipment,' he says. 'I have almost ivrything r-ready,' says
+Willie. 'Me man attinded to thim details,' he says. 'But I fear I can't
+go to th' fr-ront immejetly,' he says. 'Me pink silk pijammas hasn't
+arrived,' he says. 'Well,' says Mack,' 'wait f'r thim,' he says. 'I'm
+anxious f'r to ind this hor'ble war,' he says, 'which has cost me manny
+a sleepy night,' he says; 'but 'twud be a crime f'r to sind a sojer
+onprepared to battle,' he says. 'Wait f'r th' pijammas,' he says. 'Thin
+on to war,' he says; 'an' let ye'er watchword be, "Raymimber ye'er
+manners,"' he says.</p>
+
+<p>"'They'se a man out here,' says th' privit sicrity, 'that wants to see
+ye,' he says. 'He's a r-rough-lookin' charackter that was in th' Soo
+war,' he says. 'His name is Gin'ral Fiteum,' he says. 'Throw th' stiff
+out,' says Mack. 'I seen him in Pinnsylvania Avnoo yisterdah, r-ridin'
+in a sthreet ca-ar,' he says. 'Ah, Willie, me boy,' he says, ''tis
+little ye know what throuble I have fr'm these vulgar sojers with pants
+that bags at th' knees. Give me a goold-tipped cigareet, an' tell me
+whether shirt waists is much worn in New York this year.'</p>
+
+<p>"Yis, Hinnissy, we'll put th' tastiest ar-rmy in th' field that iver
+come out iv a millinery shop. 'Right dhress!' will be an ordher that'll
+mean somethin'. Th' ar-rmy'll be followed be specyal correspondints fr'm
+Butthrick's Pattherns an' Harper's Bazar; an', if our brave boys don't
+gore an' pleat th' inimy, 'twill be because th' inimy'll be r-rude
+enough to shoot in anny kind iv clothes they find on th' chair whin they
+wake up."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_STRATEGY" id="ON_STRATEGY"></a>ON STRATEGY.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"A sthrateejan," said Mr. Dooley, in response to Mr. Hennessy's request
+for information, "is a champeen checker-player. Whin th' war broke out,
+me frind Mack wint to me frind Hanna, an' says he, 'What,' he says,
+'what can we do to cr-rush th' haughty power iv Spain,' he says, 'a'n
+br-ring this hateful war to a early conclusion?" he says. 'Mobilize th'
+checker-players,' says Hanna. An' fr'm all cor-rners iv th' counthry
+they've gone to Washin'ton, where they're called th' Sthrateejy Board.</p>
+
+<p>"Day an' night they set in a room with a checker-board on th' end iv a
+flour bar'l, an' study problems iv th' navy. At night Mack dhrops in.
+'Well, boys,' says he, 'how goes th' battle?' he says. 'Gloryous,' says
+th' Sthrateejy Board. 'Two more moves, an' we'll be in th' king row.'
+'Ah,' says Mack, 'this is too good to be thrue,' he says. 'In but a few
+brief minyits th' dhrinks'll be on Spain,' he says. 'Have ye anny plans
+f'r Sampson's fleet?' he says. 'Where is it?' says th' Sthrateejy
+Board. 'I dinnaw,' says Mack. 'Good,' says th' Sthrateejy Board.
+'Where's th' Spanish fleet?' says they. 'Bombardin' Boston, at Cadiz, in
+San June de Matzoon, sighted near th' gas-house be our special
+correspondint, copyright, 1898, be Mike O'Toole.' 'A sthrong position,'
+says th' Sthrateejy Board. 'Undoubtedly, th' fleet is headed south to
+attack and seize Armour's glue facthory. Ordher Sampson to sail north as
+fast as he can, an' lay in a supply iv ice. Th' summer's comin' on.
+Insthruct Schley to put on all steam, an' thin put it off again, an'
+call us up be telephone. R-rush eighty-three millyon throops an' four
+mules to Tampa, to Mobile, to Chickenmaha, to Coney Island, to Ireland,
+to th' divvle, an' r-rush thim back again. Don't r-rush thim. Ordher
+Sampson to pick up th' cable at Lincoln Par-rk, an' run into th' bar-rn.
+Is th' balloon corpse r-ready? It is? Thin don't sind it up. Sind it up.
+Have th' Mulligan Gyards co-op'rate with Gomez, an' tell him to cut
+away his whiskers. They've got tangled in th' riggin'. We need
+yellow-fever throops. Have ye anny yellow fever in th' house? Give it to
+twinty thousand three hundherd men, an' sind thim afther Gov'nor Tanner.
+Teddy Rosenfelt's r-rough r-riders ar-re downstairs, havin' their
+uniforms pressed. Ordher thim to th' goluf links at wanst. They must be
+no indecision. Where's Richard Harding Davis? On th' bridge iv the New
+York? Tur-rn th' bridge. Seize Gin'ral Miles' uniform. We must
+strengthen th' gold resarve. Where's th' Gussie? Runnin' off to Cuba
+with wan hundherd men an' ar-rms, iv coorse. Oh, war is a dhreadful
+thing. It's ye'er move, Claude,' says th' Sthrateejy Board.</p>
+
+<p>"An' so it goes on; an' day by day we r-read th' tur-rble story iv our
+brave sthrateejans sacrificin' their time on th' altar iv their
+counthry, as Hogan says. Little we thought, whin we wint into this war,
+iv th' horrors it wud bring. Little we thought iv th' mothers at home
+weepin' f'r their brave boys down at Washin'ton hur-rtin their poor
+eyes over a checker-board. Little we thought iv these devoted men, as
+Hogan says, with achin' heads, plannin' to sind three hundherd thousand
+millyon men an' a carload iv beans to their fate at Tampa, Fla. But some
+wan must be sacrificed, as Hogan says. An' these poor fellows in
+Washin'ton with their r-red eyes an' their tired backs will be an
+example to future ginerations, as Hogan says, iv how an American sojer
+can face his jooty whin he has to, an' how he can't whin he hasn't to."</p>
+
+<p>"Dewey ain't a sthrateejan?" inquired Mr. Hennessy.</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Mr. Dooley. "Cousin George is a good man, an' I'm very fond
+iv him,&mdash;more be raison iv his doin' that May-o bosthoon Pat Mountjoy,
+but he has low tastes. We niver cud make a sthrateejan iv him. They'se a
+kind iv a vulgar fightin' sthrain in him that makes him want to go out
+an' slug some wan wanst a month. I'm glad he ain't in Washin'ton. Th'
+chances ar-re he'd go to th' Sthrateejy Board and pull its hair."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_GENERAL_MILESS_MOONLIGHT_EXCURSION" id="ON_GENERAL_MILESS_MOONLIGHT_EXCURSION"></a>ON GENERAL MILES'S MOONLIGHT EXCURSION.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Dear, oh, dear," said Mr. Dooley, "I'd give five dollars&mdash;an' I'd kill
+a man f'r three&mdash;if I was out iv this Sixth Wa-ard to-night, an' down
+with Gin'ral Miles' gran' picnic an' moonlight excursion in Porther
+Ricky. 'Tis no comfort in bein' a cow'rd whin ye think iv thim br-rave
+la-ads facin' death be suffication in bokays an' dyin' iv waltzin' with
+th' pretty girls iv Porther Ricky.</p>
+
+<p>"I dinnaw whether Gin'ral Miles picked out th' job or whether 'twas
+picked out f'r him. But, annyhow, whin he got to Sandago de Cubia an'
+looked ar-round him, he says to his frind Gin'ral Shafter, 'Gin'ral,'
+says he, 'ye have done well so far,' he says. ''Tis not f'r me to take
+th' lorls fr'm th' steamin' brow iv a thrue hero,' he says. 'I lave ye
+here,' he says, 'f'r to complete th' victhry ye have so nobly begun,' he
+says. 'F'r you,' he says, 'th' wallop in th' eye fr'm th' newspaper
+rayporther, th' r-round robbing, an' th' sunsthroke,' he says, 'f'r me
+th' hardship iv th' battlefield, th' late dinner, th' theayter party,
+an' th' sickenin' polky,' he says. 'Gather,' he says, 'th' fruits iv
+ye'er bravery,' he says. 'Return,' he says, 'to ye'er native land, an'
+receive anny gratichood th' Sicrety iv War can spare fr'm his own
+fam'ly,' he says. 'F'r me,' he says, 'there is no way but f'r to tur-rn
+me back upon this festive scene,' he says, 'an' go where jooty calls
+me,' he says. 'Ordherly,' he says, 'put a bottle on th' ice, an' see
+that me goold pants that I wear with th' pale blue vest with th' di'mon
+buttons is irned out,' he says. An' with a haggard face he walked aboord
+th' excursion steamer, an' wint away.</p>
+
+<p>"I'd hate to tell ye iv th'thriles iv th' expedition, Hinnissy. Whin th'
+picnic got as far as Punch, on th' southern coast iv Porther Ricky,
+Gin'ral Miles gazes out, an' says he, 'This looks like a good place to
+hang th' hammicks, an' have lunch,' says he. 'Forward, brave men,' says
+he, 'where ye see me di'mon's sparkle,' says he. 'Forward, an' plant th'
+crokay ar-rches iv our beloved counthry,' he says. An' in they wint,
+like inthrepid warryors that they ar-re. On th' beach they was met be a
+diligation fr'm th' town of Punch, con-sistin' iv th' mayor, th' common
+council, th' polis an' fire departments, th' Gr-rand Ar-rmy iv th'
+Raypublic, an' prominent citizens in carredges. Gin'ral Miles, makin' a
+hasty tielet, advanced onflinchingly to meet thim. 'Gintlemen,' says he,
+'what can I do f'r ye?' he says. 'We come,' says th' chairman iv th'
+comity, 'f'r to offer ye,' he says, 'th' r-run iv th' town,' he says.
+'We have held out,' he says, 'as long as we cud,' he says. 'But,' he
+says, 'they'se a limit to human endurance,' he says. 'We can withstand
+ye no longer,' he says. 'We surrinder. Take us prisoners, an' rayceive
+us into ye'er gloryous an' well-fed raypublic,' he says. 'Br-rave men,'
+says Gin'ral Miles, 'I congratulate ye,' he says, 'on th' heeroism iv
+yer definse,' he says. 'Ye stuck manfully to yer colors, whativer they
+ar-re,' he says. 'I on'y wondher that ye waited f'r me to come befure
+surrindhrin,' he says. 'I welcome ye into th' Union,' he says. 'I don't
+know how th' Union'll feel about it, but that's no business iv mine,' he
+says. 'Ye will get ye'er wur-rkin-cards fr'm th' walkin' diligate,' he
+says; 'an' ye'll be entitled,' he says, 'to pay ye'er share iv th' taxes
+an' to live awhile an' die whin ye get r-ready,' he says, 'jus' th' same
+as if ye was bor-rn at home,' he says. 'I don't know th' names iv ye;
+but I'll call ye all Casey, f'r short,' he says. 'Put ye'er bokays in
+th' hammick,' he says, 'an' return to Punch,' he says; 'an' freeze
+somethin' f'r me,' he says, 'f'r me thrawt is parched with th' labors iv
+th' day,' he says. Th' r-rest iv th' avenin' was spint in dancin,'
+music, an' boat-r-ridin'; an' an inj'yable time was had.</p>
+
+<p>"Th' nex' day th' army moved on Punch; an' Gin'ral Miles marched into
+th' ill-fated city, preceded be flower-girls sthrewin' r-roses an'
+geranyums befure him. In th' afthernoon they was a lawn tinnis party,
+an' at night the gin'ral attinded a banket at th' Gran' Palace Hotel.
+At midnight he was serenaded be th' Raymimber th' Maine Banjo an'
+Mandolin Club. Th' entire popylace attinded, with pork chops in their
+buttonholes to show their pathreetism. Th' nex' day, afther breakfastin'
+with Mayor Casey, he set out on his weary march over th' r-rough,
+flower-strewn paths f'r San Joon. He has been in gr-reat purl fr'm a
+witherin' fire iv bokays, an' he has met an' overpowered some iv th'
+mos' savage orators in Porther Ricky; but, whin I las' heerd iv him, he
+had pitched his tents an' ice-cream freezers near the inimy's wall, an'
+was grajully silencin' thim with proclamations."</p>
+
+<p>"They'll kill him with kindness if he don't look out," said Mr.
+Hennessy.</p>
+
+<p>"I dinnaw about that," said Mr. Dooley; "but I know this, that there's
+th' makin' iv gr-reat statesmen in Porther Ricky. A proud people that
+can switch as quick as thim la-ads have nawthin' to larn in th' way iv
+what Hogan calls th' signs iv gover'mint, even fr'm th' Supreme Court."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_ADMIRAL_DEWEYS_ACTIVITY" id="ON_ADMIRAL_DEWEYS_ACTIVITY"></a>ON ADMIRAL DEWEY'S ACTIVITY.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"If they don't catch up with him pretty soon," said Mr. Dooley, "he'll
+fight his way ar-round th' wurruld, an' come out through Barsaloona or
+Cades."</p>
+
+<p>"Who's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p>
+
+<p>"Me Cousin George, no less," said Mr. Dooley. "I suppose ye think th'
+war is over an' peace has rayturned jus' because Tiddy Rosenfelt is back
+home again an' th' sojers ar-re hungry in New York 'stead iv in Sandago.
+That's where ye'er wrong, Hinnissy. That's where ye'er wrong, me bucko.
+Th' war is not over till Cousin George stops fightin'. Th' Spanyards
+have had enough, but among thrue fightin' men it don't make anny
+diff'rence what th' feelin's iv th' la-ad undherneath may be. 'Tis whin
+th' man on top has had his fill iv fightin' that th' throuble's over,
+an' be the look iv things Cousin George has jus' begun to take tay.</p>
+
+<p>"Whin me frind Mack con-cluded 'twas time f'r us to stop fightin' an'
+begin skinning each other in what Hogan calls th' marts iv thrade, ye
+thought that ended it. So did Mack. He says, says he, 'Let us have
+peace,' he says. An' Mark Hanna came out iv' th' cellar, where he's been
+since Cousin George presinted his compliments to th' Ph'lippines an' wud
+they prefer to be kilt or dhrownded, an' pro-posals was made to bond th'
+Cubian pathrites, an' all th' deuces in th' deck begun to look like face
+car-rds again, whin suddently there comes a message fr'm Cousin George.
+'In pursooance iv ordhers that niver come,' he says, 'to-day th'
+squadhron undher my command knocked th' divvle out iv th' fortifications
+iv th' Ph'lippines, bombarded the city, an' locked up th' insurgent
+gin'ral. The gov'nor got away be swimmin' aboord a Dutch ship, an' th'
+Dutchman took him to Ding Dong. I'll attind to th' Dutchman some
+afthernoon whin I have nawthin'else to do. I'm settin' in the palace
+with me feet on th' pianny. Write soon. I won't get it. So no more at
+prisint, fr'm ye'er ol' frind an' well-wisher, George Dooley.'</p>
+
+<p>"How ar-re they goin' to stop him? How ar-re they goin' to stop him?
+There's Mack on th' shore bawlin' ordhers. 'Come back,' he says. 'Come
+back, I command ye,' he says. 'George, come back,' he says. 'Th' war is
+over,' he says. 'We're at peace with th' wurruld,' he says. 'George,' he
+says, 'George, be a good fellow,' he says. 'Lave up on thim,' he says.
+'Hivins an' earth, he's batin' that poor Spanyard with a pavin' block.
+George, George, ye break me hear-rt,' he says.</p>
+
+<p>"But George Dooley, he gives th' wink to his frinds, an' says he,
+'What's that man yellin' on th' shore about?' he says. 'Louder,' he
+says. 'I can't hear ye,' he says. 'Sing it,' he says. 'Write it to me on
+a postal ca-ard at Mahdrid,' he says. 'Don't stop me now,' he says.
+'This is me, busy day,' he says; an' away he goes with a piece iv lead
+pipe in wan hand an' a couplin' pin in th' other.</p>
+
+<p>"What'll we do with him? We can't catch up with him. He's goin' too
+fast. Mack's a week behind him ivry time he stops annywhere. He has
+sthrung a throlley acrost th' islands, an' he's climbin' mountains with
+his fleet. Th' on'y thing I see, Hinnissy, that Mack can do is to go
+east an' meet him comin' r-round. If he hurries, he'll sthrike him
+somewhere in Rooshia or Boohlgahria, an' say to him: 'George, th' war's
+over. Won't ye come home with me?' I think he'll listen to reason."</p>
+
+<p>"I think a man ought to stop fightin' whin th' war is ended," said Mr.
+Hennessy.</p>
+
+<p>"I dinnaw about that," said Mr. Dooley. "He started without askin' our
+lave, an' I don't see what we've got to do with th' way he finishes.
+'Tis a tur-rble thing to be a man iv high sperrits, an' not to know whin
+th' other fellow's licked."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_THE_PHILIPPINES" id="ON_THE_PHILIPPINES"></a>ON THE PHILIPPINES.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"I know what I'd do if I was Mack," said Mr. Hennessy. "I'd hist a flag
+over th' Ph'lippeens, an' I'd take in th' whole lot iv thim."</p>
+
+<p>"An' yet," said Mr. Dooley, "tis not more thin two months since ye
+larned whether they were islands or canned goods. Ye'er back yard is so
+small that ye'er cow can't turn r-round without buttin' th' woodshed off
+th' premises, an' ye wudden't go out to th' stock yards without takin'
+out a policy on yer life. Suppose ye was standin' at th' corner iv State
+Sthreet an' Archey R-road, wud ye know what car to take to get to th'
+Ph'lippeens? If yer son Packy was to ask ye where th' Ph'lippeens is,
+cud ye give him anny good idea whether they was in Rooshia or jus' west
+iv th' thracks?"</p>
+
+<p>"Mebbe I cudden't," said Mr. Hennessy, haughtily, "but I'm f'r takin'
+thim in, annyhow."</p>
+
+<p>"So might I be," said Mr. Dooley, "if I cud on'y get me mind on it. Wan
+iv the worst things about this here war is th' way it's makin' puzzles
+f'r our poor, tired heads. Whin I wint into it, I thought all I'd have
+to do was to set up here behind th' bar with a good tin-cint see-gar in
+me teeth, an' toss dinnymite bombs into th' hated city iv Havana. But
+look at me now. Th' war is still goin' on; an' ivry night, whin I'm
+countin' up the cash, I'm askin' mesilf will I annex Cubia or lave it to
+the Cubians? Will I take Porther Ricky or put it by? An' what shud I do
+with the Ph'lippeens? Oh, what shud I do with thim? I can't annex thim
+because I don't know where they ar-re. I can't let go iv thim because
+some wan else'll take thim if I do. They are eight thousan' iv thim
+islands, with a popylation iv wan hundherd millyon naked savages; an' me
+bedroom's crowded now with me an' th' bed. How can I take thim in, an'
+how on earth am I goin' to cover th' nakedness iv thim savages with me
+wan shoot iv clothes? An' yet 'twud break me heart to think iv givin'
+people I niver see or heerd tell iv back to other people I don't know.
+An', if I don't take thim, Schwartzmeister down th' sthreet, that has
+half me thrade already, will grab thim sure.</p>
+
+<p>"It ain't that I'm afraid iv not doin' th' r-right thing in th' end,
+Hinnissy. Some mornin' I'll wake up an' know jus' what to do, an' that
+I'll do. But 'tis th' annoyance in th' mane time. I've been r-readin'
+about th' counthry. 'Tis over beyant ye'er left shoulder whin ye're
+facin' east. Jus' throw ye'er thumb back, an' ye have it as ac'rate as
+anny man in town. 'Tis farther thin Boohlgahrya an' not so far as
+Blewchoochoo. It's near Chiny, an' it's not so near; an', if a man was
+to bore a well through fr'm Goshen, Indianny, he might sthrike it, an'
+thin again he might not. It's a poverty-sthricken counthry, full iv
+goold an' precious stones, where th' people can pick dinner off th'
+threes an' ar-re starvin' because they have no step-ladders. Th'
+inhabitants is mostly naygurs an' Chinnymen, peaceful, industhrus, an'
+law-abidin', but savage an' bloodthirsty in their methods. They wear no
+clothes except what they have on, an' each woman has five husbands an'
+each man has five wives. Th' r-rest goes into th' discard, th' same as
+here. Th' islands has been ownded be Spain since befure th' fire; an'
+she's threated thim so well they're now up in ar-rms again her, except a
+majority iv thim which is thurly loyal. Th' natives seldom fight, but
+whin they get mad at wan another they r-run-a-muck. Whin a man
+r-runs-a-muck, sometimes they hang him an' sometimes they discharge him
+an' hire a new motorman. Th' women ar-re beautiful, with languishin'
+black eyes, an' they smoke see-gars, but ar-re hurried an' incomplete in
+their dhress. I see a pitcher iv wan th' other day with nawthin' on her
+but a basket of cocoanuts an' a hoop-skirt. They're no prudes. We import
+juke, hemp, cigar wrappers, sugar, an' fairy tales fr'm th' Ph'lippeens,
+an' export six-inch shells an' th' like. Iv late th' Ph'lippeens has
+awaked to th' fact that they're behind th' times, an' has received much
+American amminition in their midst. They say th' Spanyards is all tore
+up about it.</p>
+
+<p>"I larned all this fr'm th' papers, an' I know 'tis sthraight. An' yet,
+Hinnissy, I dinnaw what to do about th' Ph'lippeens. An' I'm all alone
+in th' wurruld. Ivrybody else has made up his mind. Ye ask anny
+con-ducthor on Ar-rchy R-road, an' he'll tell ye. Ye can find out fr'm
+the papers; an', if ye really want to know, all ye have to do is to ask
+a prom'nent citizen who can mow all th' lawn he owns with a safety
+razor. But I don't know."</p>
+
+<p>"Hang on to thim," said Mr. Hennessy, stoutly. "What we've got we must
+hold."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if I was Mack, I'd lave it to George. I'd say:
+'George,' I'd say, 'if ye're f'r hangin' on, hang on it is. If ye say,
+lave go, I dhrop thim.' 'Twas George won thim with th' shells, an' th'
+question's up to him."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_PRAYERS_FOR_VICTORY" id="ON_PRAYERS_FOR_VICTORY"></a>ON PRAYERS FOR VICTORY.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"It looks to me," said Mr. Dooley, "as though me frind Mack'd got tired
+iv th' Sthrateejy Board, an' was goin' to lave th' war to th' men in
+black."</p>
+
+<p>"How's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy, who has at best but a clouded view of
+public affairs.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "while th' sthrateejans have been wearin' out
+their jeans on cracker-boxes in Wash'n'ton, they'se been goin' on th'
+mos' deadly conflict iver heerd tell iv between th' pow'rful preachin'
+navies iv th' two counthries. Manila is nawthin' at all to th' scenes iv
+carnage an' slaughter, as Hogan says, that's been brought about be these
+desthroyers. Th' Spanyards fired th' openin' gun whin th' bishop iv
+Cades, a pow'rful turreted monitor (ol' style), attackted us with both
+for'ard guns, an' sint a storm iv brimstone an' hell into us. But th'
+victhry was not f'r long with th' hated Spanyard. He was answered be
+our whole fleet iv preachers. Thin he was jined be th' bishop iv
+Barsaloona an' th' bishop iv Mahdrid an' th' bishop iv Havana, all
+battle-ships iv th' first class, followed be a fleet iv cruisers
+r-runnin' all th' way fr'm a full-ar-rmored vicar gin'ral to a protected
+parish priest. To meet thim, we sint th' bishop iv New York, th' bishop
+iv Philadelphia, th' bishop iv Baltimore, an' th' bishop iv Chicago,
+accompanied be a flyin' squadhron iv Methodists, three Presbyteryan
+monitors, a fleet iv Baptist submarine desthroyers, an' a formidable
+array iv Universalist an' Unitaryan torpedo boats, with a Jew r-ram.
+Manetime th' bishop iv Manila had fired a solid prayer, weighin' a ton,
+at San Francisco; an' a masked batthry iv Congregationalists replied,
+inflictin' severe damage. Our Atlantic fleet is now sarchin' f'r th'
+inimy, an' the bishop iv New York is blockadin' th' bishop iv Sandago de
+Cuba; an' they'se been an exchange iv prayers between th' bishop iv
+Baltimore an' th' bishop iv Havana without much damage.</p>
+
+<p>"Th' Lord knows how it'll come out. First wan side prays that th' wrath
+iv Hiven'll descind on th' other, an' thin th' other side returns th'
+compliment with inthrest. Th' Spanish bishop says we're a lot iv
+murdherin', irreligious thieves, an' ought to be swept fr'm th' face iv
+th' earth. We say his people ar-re th' same, an' manny iv thim. He
+wishes Hivin to sink our ships an' desthroy our men; an' we hope he'll
+injye th' same gr-reat blessin'. We have a shade th' best iv him, f'r
+his fleets ar-re all iv th' same class an' ol' style, an' we have some
+iv th' most modhern prayin' machines in the warruld; but he prays
+har-rd, an' 'tis no aisy wurruk to silence him."</p>
+
+<p>"What d'ye think about it?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I dinnaw jus' what to think iv it. Me own idee
+is that war is not a matther iv prayers so much as a matther iv
+punchin'; an' th' on'y place a prayer book stops a bullet is in th'
+story books. 'Tis like what Father Kelly said. Three weeks ago las'
+Sundah he met Hogan; an' Hogan, wantin' to be smart, ast him if he'd
+offered up prayers f'r th' success iv th' cause. 'Faith, I did not,'
+says th' good man. 'I was in too much iv a hurry to get away.' 'What was
+th' matther?' ast Hogan. 'I had me uniform to brush up an' me soord to
+polish,' says Father Kelly. 'I am goin' with th' rig'mint to-morrah,' he
+says; an' he says, 'If ye hear iv me waitin' to pray,' he says, 'anny
+time they'se a call f'r me,' he says, 'to be in a fight,' he says, 'ye
+may conclude,' he says, 'that I've lost me mind, an' won't be back to me
+parish,' he says. 'Hogan,' he says, 'I'll go into th' battle with a
+prayer book in wan hand an' a soord in th' other,' he says; 'an' if th'
+wurruk calls f'r two hands, 'tis not th' soord I'll dhrop,' he says.
+'Don't ye believe in prayer?' says Hogan. 'I do,' says th' good man;
+'but,' he says, 'a healthy person ought,' he says, 'to be ashamed,' he
+says, 'to ask f'r help in a fight,' he says."</p>
+
+<p>"That's th' way I look at it," said Mr. Hennessy. "When 'tis an aven
+thing in th' prayin', may th' best man win."</p>
+
+<p>"Ye're r-right, Hinnissy," said Mr. Dooley, warmly. "Ye're r-right. An'
+th' best man will win."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_THE_ANGLO-SAXON" id="ON_THE_ANGLO-SAXON"></a>ON THE ANGLO-SAXON.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I see be th' pa-apers that th' snow-white
+pigeon iv peace have tied up th' dogs iv war. It's all over now. All
+we've got to do is to arrest th' pathrites an' make th' reconcenthradios
+pay th' stamp tax, an' be r-ready f'r to take a punch at Germany or
+France or Rooshia or anny counthry on th' face iv th' globe.</p>
+
+<p>"An' I'm glad iv it. This war, Hinnissy, has been a gr-reat sthrain on
+me. To think iv th' suffrin' I've endured! F'r weeks I lay awake at
+nights fearin' that th' Spanish ar-rmadillo'd lave the Cape Verde
+Islands, where it wasn't, an' take th' thrain out here, an' hur-rl death
+an' desthruction into me little store. Day be day th' pitiless exthries
+come out an' beat down on me. Ye hear iv Teddy Rosenfelt plungin' into
+ambus-cades an' Sicrity iv Wars; but d'ye hear iv Martin Dooley, th' man
+behind th' guns, four thousan' miles behind thim, an' willin' to be
+further? They ar-re no bokays f'r me. I'm what Hogan calls wan iv th'
+mute, ingloryous heroes iv th' war; an' not so dam mute, ayther. Some
+day, Hinnissy, justice'll be done me, an' th' likes iv me; an', whin th'
+story iv a gr-reat battle is written, they'll print th' kilt, th'
+wounded, th' missin', an' th' seryously disturbed. An' thim that have
+bore thimsilves well an' bravely an' paid th' taxes an' faced th' deadly
+newspa-apers without flinchin' 'll be advanced six pints an' given a
+chanst to tur-rn jack f'r th' game.</p>
+
+<p>"But me wurruk ain't over jus' because Mack has inded th' war an' Teddy
+Rosenfelt is comin' home to bite th' Sicrety iv War. You an' me,
+Hinnissy, has got to bring on this here Anglo-Saxon 'lieance. An
+Anglo-Saxon, Hinnissy, is a German that's forgot who was his parents.
+They're a lot iv thim in this counthry. There must be as manny as two in
+Boston: they'se wan up in Maine, an' another lives at Bogg's Ferry in
+New York State, an' dhrives a milk wagon. Mack is an Anglo-Saxon. His
+folks come fr'm th' County Armagh, an' their naytional Anglo-Saxon hymn
+is 'O'Donnell Aboo.' Teddy Rosenfelt is another Anglo-Saxon. An' I'm an
+Anglo-Saxon. I'm wan iv th' hottest Anglo-Saxons that iver come out iv
+Anglo-Saxony. Th' name iv Dooley has been th' proudest Anglo-Saxon name
+in th' County Roscommon f'r many years.</p>
+
+<p>"Schwartzmeister is an Anglo-Saxon, but he doesn't know it, an' won't
+till some wan tells him. Pether Bowbeen down be th' Frinch church is
+formin' th' Circle Francaize Anglo-Saxon club, an' me ol' frind Dominigo
+that used to boss th' Ar-rchey R-road wagon whin Callaghan had th'
+sthreet conthract will march at th' head iv th' Dago Anglo-Saxons whin
+th' time comes. There ar-re twinty thousan' Rooshian Jews at a quarther
+a vote in th' Sivinth Ward; an', ar-rmed with rag hooks, they'd be a
+tur-rble thing f'r anny inimy iv th' Anglo-Saxon 'lieance to face. Th'
+Bohemians an' Pole Anglo-Saxons may be a little slow in wakin' up to
+what th' pa-apers calls our common hurtage, but ye may be sure they'll
+be all r-right whin they're called on. We've got together an
+Anglo-Saxon 'lieance in this wa-ard, an' we're goin' to ilict Sarsfield
+O'Brien prisidint, Hugh O'Neill Darsey vice-prisidint, Robert Immitt
+Clancy sicrety, an' Wolfe Tone Malone three-asurer. O'Brien'll be a good
+wan to have. He was in the Fenian r-raid, an' his father carrid a pike
+in forty-eight. An' he's in th' Clan. Besides, he has a sthrong pull
+with th' Ancient Ordher iv Anglo-Saxon Hibernyans.</p>
+
+<p>"I tell ye, whin th' Clan an' th' Sons iv Sweden an' th' Banana Club an'
+th' Circle Francaize an' th' Pollacky Benivolent Society an' th'
+Rooshian Sons of Dinnymite an' th' Benny Brith an' th' Coffee Clutch
+that Schwartzmeister r-runs an' th' Tur-rnd'ye-mind an' th' Holland
+society an' th' Afro-Americans an' th' other Anglo-Saxons begin f'r to
+raise their Anglo-Saxon battle-cry, it'll be all day with th' eight or
+nine people in th' wurruld that has th' misfortune iv not bein' brought
+up Anglo-Saxons."</p>
+
+<p>"They'se goin' to be a debate on th' 'lieance at th' ninety-eight picnic
+at Ogden's gr-rove," said Mr. Hennessy.</p>
+
+<p>"P'r'aps," said Mr. Dooley, sweetly, "ye might like to borry th' loan iv
+an ice-pick."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_A_LETTER_FROM_THE_FRONT" id="ON_A_LETTER_FROM_THE_FRONT"></a>ON A LETTER FROM THE FRONT.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Mr. Dooley looked important, but affected indifference, as he mopped the
+bar. Mr. Hennessy, who had learned to study his friend in order to
+escape disagreeable complications, patiently waited for the philosopher
+to speak. Mr. Dooley rubbed the bar to the end, tossed the cloth into a
+mysterious recess with a practised movement, moved a glass or two on the
+shelf, cleaned his spectacles, and drew a letter from his pocket.</p>
+
+<p>"Hm-m!" he said: "I have news fr'm th' fr-ront. Me nevvew, Terry
+Donahue, has sint me a letther tellin' me all about it."</p>
+
+<p>"How shud he know?" Mr. Hennessy asked.</p>
+
+<p>"How shud he know, is it?" Mr. Dooley demanded warmly. "How shudden't he
+know? Isn't he a sojer in th' ar-rmy? Isn't it him that's down there in
+Sandago fightin' f'r th' honor iv th' flag, while th' likes iv you is
+up here livin' like a prince, an' doin' nawthin' all th' livelong day
+but shovel at th' rollin'-mills? Who are ye f'r to criticize th'
+dayfinders iv our counthry who ar-re lyin' in th' trinches, an' havin'
+th' clothes stole off their backs be th' pathriotic Cubians, I'd like to
+know? F'r two pins, Hinnissy, you an' I'd quarrel."</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't mean nawthin'," Mr. Hennessy apologized. "I didn't know he was
+down there."</p>
+
+<p>"Nayether did I," said Mr. Dooley. "But I informed mesilf. I'll have no
+wan in this place speak again th' ar-rmy. Ye can have ye'er say about
+Mack. He has a good job, an' 'tis r-right an' proper f'r to baste him
+fr'm time to time. It shows ye'er in good thrim, an' it don't hur-rt
+him. They'se no wan to stop his pay. He goes up to th' cashier an'
+dhraws his forty-wan-sixty-six jus' th' same whether he's sick or well,
+an' whether he's pulled th' box reg-lar or has been playin' forty-fives
+in th' back room. But whin ye come to castin' aspersions on th' ar'rmy,
+be hivens, ye'll find that I can put me thumb on this showcase an' go
+over at wan lep."</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't say annything," said Mr. Hennessy. "I didn't know about
+Terry."</p>
+
+<p>"Iv coorse, ye didn't," said Mr. Dooley. "An' that's what I'm sayin'.
+Ye're here wallowin' in luxury, wheelin' pig ir'n fr'm morn till night;
+an' ye have no thought iv what's goin' on beyant. You an' Jawn D.
+Rockefeller an' Phil Ar-rmour an' Jay Pierpont Morgan an' th' r-rest iv
+ye is settin' back at home figurin' how ye can make some wan else pay
+ye'er taxes f'r ye. What is it to ye that me nevvew Terry is sleepin' in
+ditch wather an' atin' hard tacks an' coffee an' bein' r-robbed be
+leeber Cubians, an' catchin' yallow fever without a chanst iv givin' it
+to e'er a Spanyard. Ye think more iv a stamp thin ye do iv ye'er
+counthry. Ye're like th' Sugar Thrust. F'r two cints ye'd refuse to
+support th' govermint. I know ye, ye bloated monno-polist."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm no such thing," said Mr. Hennessy, hotly. "I've been a Dimmycrat
+f'r thirty year."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, annyhow," said Mr. Dooley, "don't speak disrayspictful iv th'
+ar-rmy. Lave me r-read you Terry's letter fr'm th' fr-ront. 'M&mdash;m: In
+th' trinches, two miles fr'm Sandago, with a land crab as big as a
+lobster crawlin' up me back be way iv Kingston, June 6, Dear Uncle
+Martin.' That's th' way it begins. 'Dear Uncle Martin: We are all well
+here, except thim that is not, an' hope ye're injyin' th' same gr-reat
+blessin'. It's hotter down here thin Billy-be-dam'd. They'se a
+rollin'-mill near here jus' th' same as at home, but all th' hands is
+laid off on account iv bad times. They used ol'-fashioned wooden
+wheelbahrs an' fired with wood. I don't think they cud handle th' pig
+th' way we done, bein' small la-ads. Th' coke has to be hauled up in
+sacks be th' gang. Th' derrick hands got six a week, but hadn't anny
+union. Helpers got four twinty. Puddlers was well paid. I wint through
+th' plant befure we come up here, an' r-run a wagon up th' plank jus'
+to keep me hand in. Tell me frinds that wan gang iv good la-ads fr'm th'
+r-road cud wurruk anny three iv th' gangs down here. Th' mills is owned
+be Rockefellar, so no more at prisint fr'm yer affecshunate nevvew,
+Peter Casey, who's writin' this f'r me.'"</p>
+
+<p>"'Tis a good letter," said Mr. Hennessy. "I don't see how they cud get
+derrick hands f'r six a week."</p>
+
+<p>"Me frind Jawn D. knows how," said Mr. Dooley.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_OUR_CUBAN_ALLIES" id="ON_OUR_CUBAN_ALLIES"></a>ON OUR CUBAN ALLIES.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "dam thim Cubians! If I was Gin'ral
+Shafter, I'd back up th' wagon in front iv th' dure, an' I'd say to
+Gin'ral Garshy, I'd say, 'I want you'; an' I'd have thim all down at th'
+station an' dacently booked be th' desk sergeant befure th' fall iv
+night. Th' impydince iv thim!"</p>
+
+<p>"What have they been doin'?" Mr. Hennessy asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Failin' to undherstand our civilization," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye see, it
+was this way. This is th' way it was: Gin'ral Garshy with wan hundherd
+thousan' men's been fightin' bravely f'r two years f'r to liberyate
+Cubia. F'r two years he's been marchin' his sivinty-five thousan' men up
+an' down th' island, desthroyin' th' haughty Spanyard be th' millyons.
+Whin war was declared, he offered his own sarvice an' th' sarvices iv
+his ar-rmy iv fifty thousan' men to th' United States; an', while
+waitin' f'r ships to arrive, he marched at th' head iv his tin thousan'
+men down to Sandago de Cuba an' captured a cigar facthry, which they
+soon rayjooced to smokin' ruins. They was holdin' this position&mdash;Gin'ral
+Garshy an' his gallant wan thousan' men&mdash;whin Gin'ral Shafter arrived.
+Gin'ral Garshy immedjitly offered th' sarvices iv himsilf an' his two
+hundherd men f'r th' capture iv Sandago; an', when Gin'ral Shafter
+arrived, there was Gin'ral Garshy with his gallant band iv fifty
+Cubians, r-ready to eat at a minyit's notice.</p>
+
+<p>"Gin'ral Shafter is a big, coorse, two-fisted man fr'm Mitchigan, an',
+whin he see Gin'ral Garshy an' his twinty-five gallant followers,
+'Fr-ront,' says he. 'This way,' he says, 'step lively,' he says, 'an'
+move some iv these things,' he says. 'Sir,' says Gin'ral Garshy, 'd'ye
+take me f'r a dhray?' he says. 'I'm a sojer,' he says, 'not a baggage
+car,' he says. 'I'm a Cubian pathrite, an' I'd lay down me life an' the
+lives iv ivry wan iv th' eighteen brave men iv me devoted ar-rmy,' he
+says; 'but I'll be dam'd if I carry a thrunk,' he says. 'I'll fight
+whiniver 'tis cool,' he says, 'an' they ain't wan iv these twelve men
+here that wudden't follow me to hell if they was awake at th' time,' he
+says; 'but,' he says, 'if 'twas wurruk we were lookin' f'r, we cud have
+found it long ago,' he says. 'They'se a lot iv it in this counthry that
+nobody's usin',' he says. 'What we want,' he says, 'is freedom,' he
+says; 'an', if ye think we have been in th' woods dodgin' th' savage
+corryspondint f'r two year,' he says, 'f'r th' sake iv r-rushin' yer
+laundhry home,' he says, ''tis no wondher,' he says, 'that th' r-roads
+fr'm Marinette to Kalamazoo is paved with goold bricks bought be th'
+people iv ye'er native State,' he says.</p>
+
+<p>"So Shafter had to carry his own thrunk; an' well it was f'r him that it
+wasn't Gin'ral Miles', the weather bein' hot. An' Shafter was mad clear
+through; an', whin he took hold iv Sandago, an' was sendin' out
+invitations, he scratched Garshy. Garshy took his gallant band iv six
+back to th' woods; an' there th' three iv thim ar-re now, ar-rmed with
+forty r-rounds iv canned lobster, an' ready to raysist to th' death. Him
+an' th' other man has written to Gin'ral Shafter to tell him what they
+think iv him, an' it don't take long."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "I think Shafter done wrong. He might've
+asked Garshy in f'r to see th' show, seein' that he's been hangin'
+ar-round f'r a long time, doin' th' best he cud."</p>
+
+<p>"It isn't that," explained Mr. Dooley. "Th' throuble is th' Cubians
+don't undherstand our civilization. Over here freedom means hard wurruk.
+What is th' ambition iv all iv us, Hinnissy? 'Tis ayether to hold our
+job or to get wan. We want wurruk. We must have it. D'ye raymimber th'
+sign th' mob carrid in th' procession las' year? 'Give us wurruk, or we
+perish,' it said. They had their heads bate in be polismen because no
+philan-thropist'd come along an' make thim shovel coal. Now, in Cubia,
+whin th' mobs turns out, they carry a banner with the wurruds, 'Give us
+nawthin' to do, or we perish.' Whin a Cubian comes home at night with a
+happy smile on his face, he don't say to his wife an' childher, 'Thank
+Gawd, I've got wurruk at last!' He says, 'Thank Gawd, I've been fired.'
+An' th' childher go out, and they say, 'Pah-pah has lost his job.' And
+Mrs. Cubian buys hersilf a new bonnet; and where wanst they was sorrow
+an' despair all is happiness an' a cottage organ.</p>
+
+<p>"Ye can't make people here undherstand that, an' ye can't make a Cubian
+undherstand that freedom means th' same thing as a pinitinchry sintince.
+Whin we thry to get him to wurruk, he'll say: 'Why shud I? I haven't
+committed anny crime.' That's goin' to be th' throuble. Th' first thing
+we know we'll have another war in Cubia whin we begin disthributin' good
+jobs, twelve hours a day, wan sivinty-five. Th' Cubians ain't civilized
+in our way. I sometimes think I've got a touch iv Cubian blood in me own
+veins."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_THE_DESTRUCTION_OF_CERVERAS_FLEET" id="ON_THE_DESTRUCTION_OF_CERVERAS_FLEET"></a>ON THE DESTRUCTION OF CERVERA'S FLEET.</h2>
+
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[These comments were made by Mr. Dooley during a strike of the
+stereotypers, which caused the English newspapers of Chicago
+temporarily to suspend publication.]</p></div>
+
+<p>"I hear," said Mr. Hennessy, "that th' stereopticons on th' newspapers
+have sthruck."</p>
+
+<p>"I sh'd think they wud," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' las' time I was down town
+was iliction night, whin Charter Haitch's big la-ad was ilicted, an'
+they was wurrukin' th' stereopticons till they was black in th' face.
+What's th' news?"</p>
+
+<p>"Th' What Cheer, Ioway, Lamp iv Freedom is on th' sthreets with a
+tillygram that Shafter has captured Sandago de Cuba, an' is now settin'
+on Gin'ral Pando's chest with his hands in his hair. But this is denied
+be th' Palo Gazoot, the Macoupin County Raygisther, an' th' Meridyan
+Sthreet Afro-American. I also see be th' Daily Scoor Card, th' Wine
+List, th' Deef Mute's Spokesman, th' Morgue Life, the Bill iv Fare, th'
+Stock Yards Sthraight Steer, an' Jack's Tips on th' Races, the on'y
+daily paper printed in Chicago, that Sampson's fleet is in th' Suez
+Canal bombarding Cades. Th' Northwestern Christyan Advycate says this is
+not thrue, but that George Dixon was outpointed be an English boxer in a
+twinty-r-round go in New York."</p>
+
+<p>"Ye've got things mixed up," said Mr. Dooley. "I get th' news sthraight.
+'Twas this way. Th' Spanish fleet was bottled up in Sandago Harbor, an'
+they dhrew th' cork. That's a joke. I see it in th' pa-apers. Th'
+gallant boys iv th' navy was settin' out on th' deck, defindin' their
+counthry an' dhrawin' three ca-ards apiece, whin th' Spanish admiral
+con-cluded 'twud be better f'r him to be desthroyed on th' ragin' sea,
+him bein' a sailor, thin to have his fleet captured be cav'lry. Annyhow,
+he was willin' to take a chance; an' he says to his sailors:
+'Spanyards,' he says, 'Castiles,' he says, 'we have et th' las'
+bed-tick,' he says; 'an', if we stay here much longer,' he says, 'I'll
+have to have a steak off th' armor plate fried f'r ye,' he says. 'Lave
+us go out where we can have a r-run f'r our money,' he says. An' away
+they wint. I'll say this much f'r him, he's a brave man, a dam brave
+man. I don't like a Spanyard no more than ye do, Hinnissy. I niver see
+wan. But, if this here man was a&mdash;was a Zulu, I'd say he was a brave
+man. If I was aboord wan iv thim yachts that was convarted, I'd go to
+this here Cervera, an' I'd say: 'Manuel,' I'd say, 'ye're all right, me
+boy. Ye ought to go to a doctor an' have ye'er eyes re-set, but ye're a
+good fellow. Go downstairs,' I'd say, 'into th' basemint iv the ship,'
+I'd say, 'an' open th' cupboard jus' nex' to th' head iv th' bed, an'
+find th' bottle marked "Floridy Wather," an' threat ye'ersilf kindly.'
+That's what I'd say to Cervera. He's all right.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, whin our boys see th' Spanish fleet comin' out iv th' harbor,
+they gathered on th' deck an' sang th' naytional anthem, 'They'll be a
+hot time in th' ol' town to-night.' A liftnant come up to where Admiral
+Sampson was settin' playin' sivin up with Admiral Schley. 'Bill,' he
+says, 'th' Spanish fleet is comin' out,' he says. 'What talk have ye?'
+says Sampson. 'Sind out some row-boats an' a yacht, an' desthroy thim.
+Clubs is thrumps,' he says, and he wint on playin'. Th' Spanish fleet
+was attackted on all sides be our br-rave la-ads, nobly assisted be th'
+dispatch boats iv the newspapers. Wan by wan they was desthroyed. Three
+battle-ships attackted th' convarted yacht Gloucester. Th' Gloucester
+used to be owned be Pierpont Morgan; but 'twas convarted, an' is now
+leadin' a dacint life. Th' Gloucester sunk thim all, th' Christobell
+Comma, the Viscera, an' th' Admiral O'Quinn. It thin wint up to two
+Spanish torpedo boats an' giv thim wan punch, an' away they wint. Be
+this time th' sojers had heerd of the victhry, an' they gathered on th'
+shore, singin' th' naytional anthem, 'They'll be a hot time in th' ol'
+town to-night, me babby.' Th' gloryous ol' chune, to which Washington
+an' Grant an' Lincoln marched, was took up be th' sailors on th' ships,
+an' Admiral Cervera r-run wan iv his boats ashore, an' jumped into th'
+sea. At last accounts th' followin' dispatches had been received: 'To
+Willum McKinley: Congratulations on ye'er noble victhry. (Signed) Willum
+McKinley.' 'To Russell A. Alger: Ye done splendid. (Signed) Russell A.
+Alger.' 'To James Wilson, Sicrety iv Agriculture: This is a gr-reat day
+f'r Ioway. Ar-re ye much hur-rted? (Signed) James Wilson.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Where did ye hear all this?" asked Mr. Hennessy, in great amazement.</p>
+
+<p>"I r-read it," said Mr. Dooley, impressively, "in the Staats Zeitung."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_A_LETTER_TO_MR_DEPEW" id="ON_A_LETTER_TO_MR_DEPEW"></a>ON A LETTER TO MR. DEPEW.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"I usen't to know," said Mr. Dooley, "what me frind Gin'ral Sherman
+meant whin he said that thing about war. I've been through two iv thim,
+not to speak iv convintions an' prim'ries, an' divvle th' bit iv har-rm
+come to me no more thin if I was settin' on a roof playin' an accorjeen.
+But I know now what th' ol' la-ad meant. He meant war was hell whin
+'twas over.</p>
+
+<p>"I ain't heerd anny noise fr'm th' fellows that wint into threnches an'
+plugged th' villyanious Spanyard. Most iv thim is too weak to kick. But
+th' proud an' fearless pathrites who restrained thimsilves, an' didn't
+go to th' fr-ront, th' la-ads that sthruggled hard with their warlike
+tindincies, an' fin'lly downed thim an' stayed at home an' practised up
+upon th' typewriter, they're ragin' an' tearin' an' desthroyin' their
+foes.</p>
+
+<p>"Did ye see what me frind Alger wrote to Chansy Depoo? Well, sir, Alger
+has been misthreated. There's a good man. I say he's a good man. An' he
+is, too. At anny thrick fr'm shingles to two-be-fours he's as good as
+th' best. But no wan apprechated Alger. No wan undherstud him. No wan
+even thried to. Day be day he published th' private letters iv other
+people, an' that didn't throw anny light on his charackter. Day be day
+he had his pitchers took, an' still th' people didn't get onto th'
+cur-rves iv him. Day be day he chatted iv th' turrors iv war, an' still
+people on'y said: 'An' Alger also r-ran.' But th' time come whin Alger
+cud contain himsilf no longer, an' he set down an' wrote to Chansy
+Depoo.</p>
+
+<p>"'Mr. Chansy Depot, care iv Grand Cintral Depew, New York, N.Y.,
+Esquire. Dear Chanse: I've been expectin' a letter fr'm ye f'r three or
+four days. In reply to same will say: Oh, Chanse, ye don't know how I
+suffer. I'm that low in me mind I feel like a bunch iv lathes. Oh, dear,
+to think iv what I've gone through. I wint into th' war onprepared. I
+had on'y so many r-rounds iv catridges an' a cross-cut saw, an' I
+failed to provide mesilf with th' ord'nary necessities iv life. But, in
+spite iv me deficiencies, I wint bravely ahead. Th' sthrain was
+something tur-r'ble on me. Me mind give out repeatedly. I cud not think
+at times, but I niver faltered. In two months I had enough supplies
+piled up in Maine to feed ivry sojer in Cubia. They were thousands iv
+r-rounds iv catridges f'r ivry rig'mint, and all th' rig'mints had to do
+was to write f'r thim. Th' navy had taken Manila an' Cervera's fleet,
+an' th' ar-rmy had taken Sandago an' th' yellow fever. Th' war is over,
+an' peace wanst more wags her wings over th' counthry. Pine scantlings
+is quoted sthrong. Ivrywhere is peace an' contint. Me photographs are on
+sale at all first-class newsdealers. Yet there is no ca'm f'r me.
+Onthinkin' wans insult me. They tell me a sojer can't ate gin'ral
+ordhers. They want me to raysign an' go back to me humble home in
+Mitchigan. Disgustin' men that've done nawthin' but get thimsilves shot,
+ask f'r milk an' quinine. They'll be askin' me to carry food to thim
+nex'. Oh, Chanse, oh, hivens, ye can't know how grieved I am! Rather wud
+I have perished in a logjam thin to've indured this ingratichood. But,
+in lookin' back over me past life, I can think iv no wrong I've done. If
+me mim'ry is at fault, please note. Me car-eer is an open book. I've
+held nawthin' back fr'm th' public, not even whin 'twas mar-rked
+private. I can say with th' pote that I done me jooty. But, oh, Chanse!
+don't iver aspire to my job. Be sicrety of war, if ye will; but niver be
+sicrety iv A war. Do not offer this letter to th' newspapers. Make thim
+take it. How's things goin' with ye, ol' pal? I hope to see ye at th'
+seaside. Till thin, I'm yours, sick at heart, but atin' reg'lar.
+
+<span class="smcap" style="margin-left: 5em;">Russ</span>.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "th' poor man must've had a har-rd time iv
+it."</p>
+
+<p>"He did," said Mr. Dooley. "Niver laid his head to a pillow before
+eight, up with th' moon: he's suffered as no man can tell. But he'll be
+all r-right whin his mind's at r-rest."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_THE_PRESIDENTS_CAT" id="ON_THE_PRESIDENTS_CAT"></a>ON THE PRESIDENT'S CAT.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"'Twas this way about Dr. Huckenlooper. Mack has a cat that was give him
+f'r a Chris'mas prisint be me frind Pierpont Morgan, an' th' cat was a
+gr-reat favor-ite in th' White House. 'Twas as quite as th' Sicrety iv
+Agriculture an' as affectionate as th' Sicrety iv th' Three-asury. Th'
+cat was called Goold Bonds, because iv th' inthrest he dhrew. He very
+often played with th' Sicrety iv th' Navy, an' ivry wan that come to th'
+White House f'r a job loved him.</p>
+
+<p>"But wan day Goold Bonds begun to look bad. He cudden't ate th' r-rich
+crame out iv th' di'mon'-studded saucer. He stopped castin' an eye at
+th' c'nary in th' cage. Whin th' Sicrety iv th' Navy wint down f'r to
+play with him, Goold Bonds spit at that good an' gr-reat man. Mack was
+shavin' himsilf befure th' lookin'-glass, an' had jus' got his face
+pulled r-round to wan side f'r a good gash, whin he heerd a scream iv
+ag'ny behind him, an' tur-rned to see Goold Bonds leap up with his paws
+on his stomach an' hit th' ceilin'. Mack give a cry iv turror, an'
+grabbed at Goold Bonds. Away wint Goold Bonds through th' house. Th'
+Sicrety iv War seen him comin', an' called, 'Pussy, pussy.' Goold Bonds
+wint through his legs, an' galloped f'r where th' Postmaster-gin'ral was
+settin' editin' his pa-aper. Th' Postmaster-gin'ral had jus' got as far
+as 'we opine,' whin he see Goold Bonds, an' he bate th' cat to th' windy
+be a whisker.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Goold Bonds ended up in th' coal cellar, an' they was a cab'net
+council f'r to see what was to be done. 'Sind f'r Doctor Heinegagubler,'
+says th' Sicrety iv War. 'He's wan iv th' gr-reatest surgeons iv our
+time,' he says, 'an' can cure annything fr'm pips to glanders,' he says.
+Th' famous Doctor Honeycooler was summoned. 'Sir,' says Mack, 'Goold
+Bonds, th' pride iv th' administhration, has had a fit,' he says. ''Twud
+br-reak our hear-rts to lose our little pet,' he says. 'Go,' he says,
+'an' take such measures as ye'er noble healin' ar-rt sug-gists,' he
+says; 'an' may th' prayers iv an agonized foster-parent go with ye,' he
+says. An' Doctor Higgenlocker wint down into th' coal-shed; an' whin he
+come back, it was with Goold Bonds in his ar-rms, weak an' pale, but
+with a wan smile on his lips.</p>
+
+<p>"Afther embracin' Goold Bonds an' tuckin' him away in bed, Mack tur-rns
+to th' Dock. 'Dock,' he says, 'ye have performed a noble sarvice,' he
+says. 'I appint ye a major-gin'ral,' he says. 'I'm that already,' says
+th' Dock. 'I've r-rich relatives in Philadelphia,' he says. 'But,' says
+Mack, ''tis a shame to think iv ye'er noble sarvices bein' wasted,' he
+says, 'whin ye'er counthry calls,' he says. 'I appint ye,' he says,
+'surgeon-gin'ral,' he says. 'Pro-ceed,' he says, 'to Cubia, an' stamp
+out th' dhread ravages,' he says, 'iv r-ringbone an' stagger,' he says.</p>
+
+<p>"That's how Dock got th'job. He was a gr-reat man down there, an' now
+he's wan iv th' vethranaryans iv th' war. Ye heerd iv typhoid an' yellow
+fever in th' threnches; but did ye hear annything iv spavin or th'
+foot-an'-mouth disease? Not wanst. Dock was on jooty late an' early.
+Sleepless an' vigilant, he stood beside th' suffrin' mules, allayin'
+their pain, an' slowly but surely dhraggin' thim out iv th' clutches iv
+pinkeye an' epizootic. He had a cheery wurrud, a pleasant smile, an' a
+bottle iv liniment f'r wan an' all. He cured Teddy Rosenfelt's hor-rse
+iv intherference an' made a soothin' lotion iv axle-grease f'r Gin'ral
+Shafter's buckboard. Ye might see him anny time wandhrin' through th'
+camp with a hatful of oats or a wisp of hay. They called him th' Stall
+Angel, and countless thousands iv sick hor-rses blessed him. He's a
+gr-reat man is th' Dock. But, if it hadn't been f'r Goold Bonds, th'
+counthry wud niver have had his sarvices. Who knows but that Mack's cat
+was th' rale victhor at Sandago?"</p>
+
+<p>"Didn't he cure anny men?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure," said Mr. Dooley. "He cured Teddy Rosenfelt iv boltin'."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_A_SPEECH_BY_PRESIDENT_McKINLEY" id="ON_A_SPEECH_BY_PRESIDENT_McKINLEY"></a>ON A SPEECH BY PRESIDENT McKINLEY.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"I hear-r that Mack's in town," said Mr. Dooley.</p>
+
+<p>"Didn't ye see him?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p>
+
+<p>"Faith, I did not!" said Mr. Dooley. "If 'tis meetin' me he's afther,
+all he has to do is to get on a ca-ar an' r-ride out to number
+nine-double-naught-nine Archey R-road, an' stop whin he sees th' sign iv
+th' Tip-p'rary Boodweiser Brewin' Company. I'm here fr'm eight in the
+mornin' till midnight, an' th' r-rest iv th' time I'm in the back room
+in th' ar-rms iv Or-rphyus, as Hogan says. Th' Presidint is as welcome
+as anny rayspictable marrid man. I will give him a chat an' a dhrink f'r
+fifteen cints; an', as we're not, as a frind iv mine in th' grocery an'
+pothry business says, intirely a commercial an' industhreel nation, if
+he has th' Sicrety iv th' Threasury with him, I'll give thim two f'r
+twinty-five cints, which is th' standard iv value among civilized
+nations th' wurruld over. Prisidint iv th' United States, says ye? Well,
+I'm prisidint iv this liquor store, fr'm th' pitcher iv th' Chicago fire
+above th' wash-stand in th' back room to th' dure-step. Beyond that
+belongs to th' polisman on th' bate. An Amurrican's home, as wan iv th'
+potes says, is his castle till th' morgedge falls due. An' divvle a fut
+will I put out iv this dure to see e'er a prisidint, prince, or
+potentate, fr'm th' czar iv Rooshia to th' king iv Chiny. There's
+Prisidint Mack at th' Audjiotoroom, an' here's Prisidint Dooley at
+nine-double-naught-nine, an' th' len'th iv th' sthreet between thim.
+Says he, 'Come over to th' hotel an' see me.' Says I, 'If ye find
+ye'ersilf thrun fr'm a ca-ar in me neighborhood, dhrop in.' An' there ye
+ar-re.</p>
+
+<p>"I may niver see him. I may go to me grave without gettin' an' eye on
+th' wan man besides mesilf that don't know what th' furrin' policy iv
+th' United States is goin' to be. An he, poor man, whin some wan asts
+him, 'Did ye iver meet Dooley:' 'll have to say, 'No, I had th' chanst
+wanst, but me ac-cursed pride kept me from visitin' him.'</p>
+
+<p>"I r-read his speeches, though, an' know what he's doin.' Some iv thim
+ar-re gr-reat. He attinded th' banket given be th' Prospurity Brigade at
+th' hotel where he's stoppin'. 'Twas a magnificent assimblage iv th'
+laborin' classes, costin' fifteen dollars a plate, an' on'y disturbed
+whin a well-to-do gintleman in th' dhry-goods business had to be thrun
+out f'r takin' a kick at a waiter. I r-read be th' papers that whin Mack
+come in he was rayceived be th' gatherin' with shouts iv approval. Th'
+proceedin's was opened with a prayer that Providence might r-remain
+undher th' protection iv th' administhration. Th' Sicrety iv th'
+Treasury followed with a gran' speech, highly commindin' th' action iv
+th' threasury department durin' th' late war; 'but,' says he, 'I
+cannot,' he says, 'so far forget mesilf,' he says, 'as not to mintion,'
+he says, 'that,' he says, 'if it hadn't been f'r the sublime
+pathreetism an' courage,' he says, 'iv th' gintleman whom we honor,' he
+says, 'in puttin' me on th' foorce,' he says, 'I might not be here
+to-night,' he says.</p>
+
+<p>"Th' Sicrety iv th' Threasury was followed be th' Gin'ral Shafter.
+'Gintlemen,' says he, 'it gives me,' he says, 'gr-reat pleasure,' he
+says, 'to be prisint in th' mist iv so manny an' so various vittles,' he
+says. 'Iv coorse,' he says, 'I re-elize me own gr-reat worth,' he says;
+'but,' he says, 'I wud have to be more thin human,' he says, 'to
+overlook th' debt iv gratichood,' he says, 'th' counthry owes,' he says,
+'to th' man whose foresight, wisdom, an' prudence brought me for-ard at
+such an opparchune time,' he says. 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'onless ye have
+lived in th' buckboard f'r months on th' parched deserts iv Cubia,' he
+says, 'ye little know what a pleasure it is,' he says, 'to dhrink,' he
+says, 'to th' author iv our bein' here,' he says. An' Gin-ral Miles wint
+out an' punched th' bell-boy. Mack r-rose up in a perfect hurcane iv
+applause, an' says he, 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'an' fellow-heroes,' he
+says, 'ye do me too much honor;' he says. 'I alone shud not have th'
+credit iv this gloryous victhry. They ar-re others.' [A voice:
+'Shafter.' Another voice: 'Gage.' Another voice: 'Dooley.'] 'But I pass
+to a more conganial line iv thought,' he says. 'We have just emerged
+fr'm a turrible war,' he says. 'Again,' he says, 'we ar-re a united
+union,' he says. 'No north,' he says, 'no south, no east,' he says, 'no
+west. No north east a point east,' he says. 'Th' inimies iv our counthry
+has been cr-rushed,' he says, 'or is stuck down in Floridy with his
+rig'mint talkin',' he says, 'his hellish docthrines to th' allygatars,'
+he says. 'Th' nation is wanst more at peace undher th' gran' goold
+standard,' he says. 'Now,' he says, 'th' question is what shall we do
+with th' fruits iv victhry?' he says. [A voice, 'Can thim.'] 'Our duty
+to civilization commands us to be up an' doin',' he says. 'We ar-re
+bound,' he says, 'to&mdash;to re-elize our destiny, whativer it may be,' he
+says. 'We can not tur-rn back,' he says, 'th hands iv th' clock that,
+even as I speak, he says, 'is r-rushin' through th' hear-rts iv men,' he
+says, 'dashin' its spray against th' star iv liberty an' hope, an' no
+north, no south, no east, no west, but a steady purpose to do th' best
+we can, considerin' all th' circumstances iv the case.' he says. 'I hope
+I have made th' matther clear to ye,' he says, 'an', with these few
+remarks,' he says, 'I will tur-rn th' job over to destiny,' he says,
+'which is sure to lead us iver on an' on, an' back an' forth, a united
+an' happy people, livin',' he says, 'undher an administhration that,
+thanks to our worthy Prisidint an' his cap-ble an' earnest advisers, is
+second to none,' he says."</p>
+
+<p>"What do you think ought to be done with th' fruits iv victhry?" Mr.
+Hennessy asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if 'twas up to me, I'd eat what was r-ripe an'
+give what wasn't r-ripe to me inimy. An' I guess that's what Mack
+means."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_THE_HERO_IN_POLITICS" id="ON_THE_HERO_IN_POLITICS"></a>ON THE HERO IN POLITICS.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"'Tis as much as a man's life is worth these days," said Mr. Dooley, "to
+have a vote. Look here," he continued, diving under the bar and
+producing a roll of paper.</p>
+
+<p>"Here's th' pitchers iv candydates I pulled down fr'm th' windy, an'
+jus' knowin' they're here makes me that nervous f'r th' contints iv th'
+cash dhrawer I'm afraid to tur-rn me back f'r a minyit. I'm goin' to
+throw thim out in th' back yard.</p>
+
+<p>"All heroes, too, Hinnissy. They'se Mike O'Toole, th' hero iv Sandago,
+that near lost his life be dhrink on his way to th' arm'ry, an' had to
+be sint home without lavin' th' city. There's Turror Teddy Mangan, th'
+night man at Flaher-ty's, that loaded th' men that loaded th' guns that
+kilt th' mules at Matoonzas. There's Hero O'Brien, that wud've inlisted
+if he hadn't been too old, an' th' contractin' business in such good
+shape. There's Bill Cory, that come near losin' his life at a
+cinematograph iv th' battle iv Manila. They're all here, bedad, r-ready
+to sarve their country to th' bitter end, an' to r-rush, voucher in
+hand, to th' city threasurer's office at a minyit's notice.</p>
+
+<p>"I wint to a hero meetin' th' other night, Hinnissy, an' that's sthrange
+f'r me. Whin a man gets to be my age, he laves th' shoutin' f'r th'
+youth iv th' land, onless he has a pol-itical job. I niver had a job but
+wanst. That was whin I was precin't cap'n; an' a good wan I was, too.
+None betther. I'd been on th' cinthral comity to-day, but f'r me losin'
+ambition whin they r-run a man be th' name iv Eckstein f'r aldherman. I
+was sayin', Hinnissy, whin a man gets to be my age, he ducks pol-itical
+meetin's, an' r-reads th' papers an' weighs th' ividence an' th'
+argymints,&mdash;pro-argymints an' con-argymints,&mdash;an' makes up his mind
+ca'mly, an' votes th' Dimmycratic ticket. But young Dorsey he med me go
+with him to th' hero's meetin' in Finucane's hall.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, sir, there was O'Toole an' all th' rest on th' platform in
+unyform, with flags over thim, an' the bands playin' 'They'll be a hot
+time in th' ol' town to-night again'; an' th' chairman was Plunkett. Ye
+know Plunkett: a good man if they was no gr-rand juries. He was makin' a
+speech. 'Whin th' battle r-raged,' he says, 'an' th' bullets fr'm th'
+haughty Spanyards' raypeatin' Mouser r-rifles,' he says, 'where was
+Cassidy?' he says. 'In his saloon,' says I, 'in I'mrald Av'noo,' says I.
+'Thrue f'r ye,' says Plunkett. 'An' where,' he says, 'was our
+candydate?' he says. 'In somebody else's saloon,' says I. 'No,' says he.
+'Whin th' Prisidint,' he says, 'called th' nation to ar-rms,' he says,
+'an' Congress voted fifty million good bucks f'r th' naytional definse,'
+he says, 'Thomas Francis Dorgan,' he says, 'in that minyit iv naytional
+pearl,' says he, 'left his good job in the pipe-yard,' he says, 'an'
+wint down to th' raycruitin' office, an' says, "How manny calls f'r
+volunteers is out?" he says. "Wan," says th' officer. "Put me down,"
+says Dorgan, "f'r th' tenth call," he says. This, gintlemen iv th'
+foorth precin't,' he says, 'is Thomas Francis Dorgan, a man who, if
+ilicted,' he says, 'victhry'll perch,' he says, 'upon our banners,' he
+says; 'an',' he says, 'th' naytional honor will be maintained,' he says,
+'in th' county boord,' he says.</p>
+
+<p>"I wint out to take th' air, an' I met me frind Clohessy, th' little
+tailor fr'm Halsted Sthreet. Him an' me had a shell iv beer together at
+th' German's; an' says I, 'What d'ye think iv th' heroes?' I says.
+'Well,' says he, 'I make no doubt 'twas brave iv Dorgan,' he says, 'f'r
+to put his name in f'r th' tenth call,' he says; 'but,' he says, 'I
+don't like Plunkett, an' it seems to me a man'd have to be a hell iv a
+sthrong man, even if he was a hero, to be Plunkett's man, an' keep his
+hands out iv ye'er pockets,' he says. 'I'm with Clancy's candydate,' he
+says. 'He niver offered to enlist for th' war,' he says, 'but 'twas
+Clancy put Terence on th' polis foorce an' got th' school f'r Aggie,' he
+says.</p>
+
+<p>"That's the way I feel," said Mr. Hennessy. "I wudden't thrust Plunkett
+as far as I cud throw a cow be th' tail. If Dorgan was Clancy's war
+hero, I'd be with him."</p>
+
+<p>"Annyhow," said Mr. Dooley, "mighty few iv th' rale heroes iv th' war is
+r-runnin' f'r office. Most iv thim put on their blue overalls whin they
+was mustered out an' wint up an' ast f'r their ol' jobs back&mdash;an'
+sometimes got thim. Ye can see as manny as tin iv thim at the
+rollin'-mills defindin' th' nation's honor with wheelbahr's an' a slag
+shovel."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="MR_DOOLEY_IN_PEACE" id="MR_DOOLEY_IN_PEACE"></a>MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_NEW_YEARS_RESOLUTIONS" id="ON_NEW_YEARS_RESOLUTIONS"></a>ON NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Mr. Hennessy looked out at the rain dripping down in Archey Road, and
+sighed, "A-ha, 'tis a bad spell iv weather we're havin'."</p>
+
+<p>"Faith, it is," said Mr. Dooley, "or else we mind it more thin we did. I
+can't remimber wan day fr'm another. Whin I was young, I niver thought
+iv rain or snow, cold or heat. But now th' heat stings an' th' cold
+wrenches me bones; an', if I go out in th' rain with less on me thin a
+ton iv rubber, I'll pay dear f'r it in achin' j'ints, so I will. That's
+what old age means; an' now another year has been put on to what we had
+befure, an' we're expected to be gay. 'Ring out th' old,' says a guy at
+th' Brothers' School. 'Ring out th' old, ring in th' new,' he says.
+'Ring out th' false, ring in th' thrue,' says he. It's a pretty
+sintimint, Hinnissy; but how ar-re we goin' to do it? Nawthin'd please
+me betther thin to turn me back on th' wicked an' ingloryous past,
+rayform me life, an' live at peace with th' wurruld to th' end iv me
+days. But how th' divvle can I do it? As th' fellow says, 'Can th'
+leopard change his spots,' or can't he?</p>
+
+<p>"You know Dorsey, iv coorse, th' cross-eyed May-o man that come to this
+counthry about wan day in advance iv a warrant f'r sheep-stealin'? Ye
+know what he done to me, tellin' people I was caught in me cellar
+poorin' wather into a bar'l? Well, last night says I to mesilf, thinkin'
+iv Dorsey, I says: 'I swear that henceforth I'll keep me temper with me
+fellow-men. I'll not let anger or jealousy get th' betther iv me,' I
+says. 'I'll lave off all me old feuds; an' if I meet me inimy goin' down
+th' sthreet, I'll go up an' shake him be th' hand, if I'm sure he hasn't
+a brick in th' other hand.' Oh, I was mighty compliminthry to mesilf. I
+set be th' stove dhrinkin' hot wans, an' ivry wan I dhrunk made me more
+iv a pote. 'Tis th' way with th' stuff. Whin I'm in dhrink, I have manny
+a fine thought; an', if I wasn't too comfortable to go an' look f'r th'
+ink-bottle, I cud write pomes that'd make Shakespeare an' Mike Scanlan
+think they were wurrkin' on a dredge. 'Why,' says I, 'carry into th' new
+year th' hathreds iv th' old?' I says. 'Let th' dead past bury its
+dead,' says I. 'Tur-rn ye'er lamps up to th' blue sky,' I says. (It was
+rainin' like th' divvle, an' th' hour was midnight; but I give no heed
+to that, bein' comfortable with th' hot wans.) An' I wint to th' dure,
+an', whin Mike Duffy come by on number wan hundherd an' five, ringin'
+th' gong iv th' ca-ar, I hollered to him: 'Ring out th' old, ring in th'
+new.' 'Go back into ye'er stall,' he says, 'an' wring ye'ersilf out,' he
+says. 'Ye'er wet through,' he says.</p>
+
+<p>"Whin I woke up this mornin', th' pothry had all disappeared, an' I
+begun to think th' las' hot wan I took had somethin' wrong with it.
+Besides, th' lumbago was grippin' me till I cud hardly put wan foot
+befure th' other. But I remimbered me promises to mesilf, an' I wint out
+on th' sthreet, intindin' to wish ivry wan a 'Happy New Year,' an'
+hopin' in me hear-rt that th' first wan I wished it to'd tell me to go
+to th' divvle, so I cud hit him in th' eye. I hadn't gone half a block
+before I spied Dorsey acrost th' sthreet. I picked up a half a brick an'
+put it in me pocket, an' Dorsey done th' same. Thin we wint up to each
+other. 'A Happy New Year,' says I. 'Th' same to you,' says he, 'an'
+manny iv thim,' he says. 'Ye have a brick in ye'er hand,' says I. 'I was
+thinkin' iv givin' ye a New Year's gift,' says he. 'Th' same to you, an'
+manny iv thim,' says I, fondlin' me own ammunition. ''Tis even all
+around,' says he. 'It is,' says I. 'I was thinkin' las' night I'd give
+up me gredge again ye,' says he. 'I had th' same thought mesilf,' says
+I. 'But, since I seen ye'er face,' he says, 'I've con-cluded that I'd be
+more comfortable hatin' ye thin havin' ye f'r a frind,' says he. 'Ye're
+a man iv taste,' says I. An' we backed away fr'm each other. He's a Tip,
+an' can throw a stone like a rifleman; an', Hinnissy, I'm somethin' iv
+an amachoor shot with a half-brick mesilf.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I've been thinkin' it over, an' I've argied it out that life'd
+not be worth livin' if we didn't keep our inimies. I can have all th'
+frinds I need. Anny man can that keeps a liquor sthore. But a rale
+sthrong inimy, specially a May-o inimy,&mdash;wan that hates ye ha-ard, an'
+that ye'd take th' coat off yer back to do a bad tur-rn to,&mdash;is a luxury
+that I can't go without in me ol' days. Dorsey is th' right sort. I
+can't go by his house without bein' in fear he'll spill th' chimbly down
+on me head; an', whin he passes my place, he walks in th' middle iv th'
+sthreet, an' crosses himsilf. I'll swear off on annything but Dorsey.
+He's a good man, an' I despise him. Here's long life to him."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_GOLD-SEEKING" id="ON_GOLD-SEEKING"></a>ON GOLD-SEEKING.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Well, sir," said Mr. Hennessy, "that Alaska's th' gr-reat place. I
+thought 'twas nawthin' but an iceberg with a few seals roostin' on it,
+an' wan or two hundherd Ohio politicians that can't be killed on account
+iv th' threaty iv Pawrs. But here they tell me 'tis fairly smothered in
+goold. A man stubs his toe on th' ground, an lifts th' top off iv a
+goold mine. Ye go to bed at night, an' wake up with goold fillin' in
+ye'er teeth."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Mr. Dooley, "Clancy's son was in here this mornin', an' he
+says a frind iv his wint to sleep out in th' open wan night, an' whin he
+got up his pants assayed four ounces iv goold to th' pound, an' his
+whiskers panned out as much as thirty dollars net."</p>
+
+<p>"If I was a young man an' not tied down here," said Mr. Hennessy, "I'd
+go there: I wud so."</p>
+
+<p>"I wud not," said Mr. Dooley. "Whin I was a young man in th' ol'
+counthry, we heerd th' same story about all America. We used to set be
+th' tur-rf fire o' nights, kickin' our bare legs on th' flure an'
+wishin' we was in New York, where all ye had to do was to hold ye'er hat
+an' th' goold guineas'd dhrop into it. An' whin I got to be a man, I
+come over here with a ham and a bag iv oatmeal, as sure that I'd return
+in a year with money enough to dhrive me own ca-ar as I was that me name
+was Martin Dooley. An' that was a cinch.</p>
+
+<p>"But, faith, whin I'd been here a week, I seen that there was nawthin'
+but mud undher th' pavement,&mdash;I larned that be means iv a pick-axe at
+tin shillin's th' day,&mdash;an' that, though there was plenty iv goold, thim
+that had it were froze to it; an' I come west, still lookin' f'r mines.
+Th' on'y mine I sthruck at Pittsburgh was a hole f'r sewer pipe. I made
+it. Siven shillin's th' day. Smaller thin New York, but th' livin' was
+cheaper, with Mon'gahela rye at five a throw, put ye'er hand around th'
+glass.</p>
+
+<p>"I was still dreamin' goold, an' I wint down to Saint Looey. Th'
+nearest I come to a fortune there was findin' a quarther on th' sthreet
+as I leaned over th' dashboord iv a car to whack th' off mule. Whin I
+got to Chicago, I looked around f'r the goold mine. They was Injuns here
+thin. But they wasn't anny mines I cud see. They was mud to be shovelled
+an' dhrays to be dhruv an' beats to be walked. I choose th' dhray; f'r I
+was niver cut out f'r a copper, an' I'd had me fill iv excavatin'. An' I
+dhruv th' dhray till I wint into business.</p>
+
+<p>"Me experyence with goold minin' is it's always in th' nex' county. If I
+was to go to Alaska, they'd tell me iv th' finds in Seeberya. So I think
+I'll stay here. I'm a silver man, annyhow; an' I'm contint if I can see
+goold wanst a year, whin some prominent citizen smiles over his
+newspaper. I'm thinkin' that ivry man has a goold mine undher his own
+dure-step or in his neighbor's pocket at th' farthest."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, annyhow," said Mr. Hennessy, "I'd like to kick up th' sod, an'
+find a ton iv goold undher me fut."</p>
+
+<p>"What wud ye do if ye found it?" demanded Mr. Dooley.</p>
+
+<p>"I&mdash;I dinnaw," said Mr. Hennessy, whose dreaming had not gone this far.
+Then, recovering himself, he exclaimed with great enthusiasm, "I'd throw
+up me job an'&mdash;an' live like a prince."</p>
+
+<p>"I tell ye what ye'd do," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye'd come back here an'
+sthrut up an' down th' sthreet with ye'er thumbs in ye'er armpits; an'
+ye'd dhrink too much, an' ride in sthreet ca-ars. Thin ye'd buy foldin'
+beds an' piannies, an' start a reel estate office. Ye'd be fooled a good
+deal an' lose a lot iv ye'er money, an' thin ye'd tighten up. Ye'd be in
+a cold fear night an' day that ye'd lose ye'er fortune. Ye'd wake up in
+th' middle iv th' night, dhreamin' that ye was back at th' gas-house
+with ye'er money gone. Ye'd be prisidint iv a charitable society. Ye'd
+have to wear ye'er shoes in th' house, an' ye'er wife'd have ye around
+to rayciptions an dances.' Ye'd move to Mitchigan Avnoo, an' ye'd hire a
+coachman that'd laugh at ye. Ye'er boys'd be joods an' ashamed iv ye,
+an' ye'd support ye'er daughters' husbands. Ye'd rackrint ye'er tinants
+an' lie about ye'er taxes. Ye'd go back to Ireland on a visit, an' put
+on airs with ye'er cousin Mike. Ye'd be a mane, close-fisted,
+onscrupulous ol' curmudgeon; an', whin ye'd die, it'd take half ye'er
+fortune f'r rayqueems to put ye r-right. I don't want ye iver to speak
+to me whin ye get rich, Hinnissy."</p>
+
+<p>"I won't," said Mr. Hennessy.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_BOOKS" id="ON_BOOKS"></a>ON BOOKS.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Ivry time I pick up me mornin' paper to see how th' scrap come out at
+Batthry D," said Mr. Dooley, "th' first thing I r-run acrost is
+somethin' like this: 'A hot an' handsome gift f'r Christmas is Lucy Ann
+Patzooni's "Jims iv Englewood Thought"'; or 'If ye wud delight th'
+hear-rt iv yer child, ye'll give him Dr. Harper's monymental histhry iv
+th' Jewish thribes fr'm Moses to Dhry-fuss' or 'Ivrybody is r-readin'
+Roodyard Kiplin's "Busy Pomes f'r Busy People."' Th' idee iv givin'
+books f'r Christmas prisints whin th' stores are full iv tin hor-rns an'
+dhrums an' boxin' gloves an choo-choo ca-ars! People must be crazy."</p>
+
+<p>"They ar-re," said Mr. Hennessy. "My house is so full iv books ye
+cudden't tur-rn around without stumblin' over thim. I found th' life iv
+an ex-convict, the 'Prisoner iv Zinders,' in me high hat th' other day,
+where Mary Ann was hidin' it fr'm her sister. Instead iv th' chidher
+fightin' an' skylarkin' in th' evenin', they're settin' around th' table
+with their noses glued into books. Th' ol' woman doesn't read, but she
+picks up what's goin' on. 'Tis 'Honoria, did Lor-rd What's-his-name
+marry th' fair Aminta?' or 'But that Lady Jane was a case.' An' so it
+goes. There's no injymint in th' house, an' they're usin' me cravats f'r
+bookmarks."</p>
+
+<p>"'Tis all wrong," said Mr. Dooley. "They're on'y three books in th'
+wurruld worth readin',&mdash;Shakespeare, th' Bible, an' Mike Ahearn's
+histhry iv Chicago. I have Shakespeare on thrust, Father Kelly r-reads
+th' Bible f'r me, an' I didn't buy Mike Ahearn's histhry because I seen
+more thin he cud put into it. Books is th' roon iv people, specially
+novels. Whin I was a young man, th' parish priest used to preach again
+thim; but nobody knowed what he meant. At that time Willum Joyce had th'
+on'y library in th' Sixth Wa-ard. Th' mayor give him th' bound volumes
+iv th' council proceedings, an' they was a very handsome set. Th' on'y
+books I seen was th' kind that has th' life iv th' pope on th' outside
+an' a set iv dominos on th' inside. They're good readin'. Nawthin' cud
+be better f'r a man whin he's tired out afther a day's wurruk thin to go
+to his library an' take down wan iv th' gr-reat wurruks iv lithratchoor
+an' play a game iv dominos f'r th' dhrinks out iv it. Anny other kind iv
+r-readin', barrin' th' newspapers, which will niver hurt anny onedycated
+man, is desthructive iv morals.</p>
+
+<p>"I had it out with Father Kelly th' other day in this very matther. He
+was comin' up fr'm down town with an ar-rmful iv books f'r prizes at th'
+school. 'Have ye th' Key to Heaven there?' says I. 'No,' says he, 'th'
+childher that'll get these books don't need no key. They go in under th'
+turnstile,' he says, laughin'. 'Have ye th' Lives iv th' Saints, or the
+Christyan Dooty, or th' Story iv Saint Rose iv Lima?' I says. 'I have
+not,' says he. 'I have some good story books. I'd rather th' kids'd
+r-read Char-les Dickens than anny iv th' tales iv thim holy men that
+was burned in ile or et up be lines,' he says. 'It does no good in these
+degin'rate days to prove that th' best that can come to a man f'r
+behavin' himsilf is to be cooked in a pot or di-gisted be a line,' he
+says. 'Ye're wrong,' says I. 'Beggin' ye'er riv'rince's pardon, ye're
+wrong,' I says. 'What ar-re ye goin' to do with thim young wans? Ye're
+goin' to make thim near-sighted an' round-shouldered,' I says. 'Ye're
+goin' to have thim believe that, if they behave thimsilves an' lead a
+virchous life, they'll marry rich an' go to Congress. They'll wake up
+some day, an' find out that gettin' money an behavin' ye'ersilf don't
+always go together,' I says. 'Some iv th' wickedest men in th' wurruld
+have marrid rich,' I says. 'Ye're goin' to teach thim that a man doesn't
+have to use an ax to get along in th' wurruld. Ye're goin' to teach thim
+that a la-ad with a curlin' black mustache an' smokin' a cigareet is
+always a villyan, whin he's more often a barber with a lar-rge family.
+Life, says ye! There's no life in a book. If ye want to show thim what
+life is, tell thim to look around thim. There's more life on a Saturdah
+night in th' Ar-rchy Road thin in all th' books fr'm Shakespeare to th'
+rayport iv th' drainage thrustees. No man,' I says, 'iver wrote a book
+if he had annything to write about, except Shakespeare an' Mike Ahearn.
+Shakespeare was all r-right. I niver read anny of his pieces, but they
+sound good; an' I know Mike Ahearn is all r-right.'"</p>
+
+<p>"What did he say?" asked Mr. Hennessy.</p>
+
+<p>"He took it all r-right," said Mr. Dooley. "He kind o' grinned, an' says
+he: 'What ye say is thrue, an' it's not thrue,' he says. 'Books is f'r
+thim that can't injye thimsilves in anny other way,' he says. 'If ye're
+in good health, an' ar-re atin' three squares a day, an' not ayether sad
+or very much in love with ye'er lot, but just lookin' on an' not carin'
+a'&mdash;he said rush&mdash;'not carin' a rush, ye don't need books,' he says.
+'But if ye're a down-spirited thing an' want to get away an' can't, ye
+need books. 'Tis betther to be comfortable at home thin to go to th'
+circus, an' 'tis betther to go to th' circus thin to r-read anny book.
+But 'tis betther to r-read a book thin to want to go to th' circus an'
+not be able to,' he says. 'Well,' says I, 'whin I was growin' up, half
+th' congregation heard mass with their prayer books tur-rned upside
+down, an' they were as pious as anny. Th' Apostles' Creed niver was as
+con-vincin' to me afther I larned to r-read it as it was whin I cudden't
+read it, but believed it.'"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_REFORM_CANDIDATES" id="ON_REFORM_CANDIDATES"></a>ON REFORM CANDIDATES.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"That frind iv ye'ers, Dugan, is an intilligent man," said Mr. Dooley.
+"All he needs is an index an' a few illusthrations to make him a
+bicyclopedja iv useless information."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, judiciously, "he ain't no Soc-rates an' he
+ain't no answers-to-questions colum; but he's a good man that goes to
+his jooty, an' as handy with a pick as some people are with a cocktail
+spoon. What's he been doin' again ye?"</p>
+
+<p>"Nawthin'," said Mr. Dooley, "but he was in here Choosday. 'Did ye
+vote?' says I. 'I did,' says he. 'Which wan iv th' distinguished bunko
+steerers got ye'er invalu'ble suffrage?' says I. 'I didn't have none
+with me,' says he, 'but I voted f'r Charter Haitch,' says he. 'I've been
+with him in six ilictions,' says he, 'an' he's a good man,' he says.
+'D'ye think ye're votin' f'r th' best?' says I. 'Why, man alive,' I
+says, 'Charter Haitch was assassinated three years ago,' I says. 'Was
+he?' says Dugan. 'Ah, well, he's lived that down be this time. He was a
+good man,' he says.</p>
+
+<p>"Ye see, that's what thim rayform lads wint up again. If I liked
+rayformers, Hinnissy, an' wanted f'r to see thim win out wanst in their
+lifetime, I'd buy thim each a suit iv chilled steel, ar-rm thim with
+raypeatin' rifles, an' take thim east iv State Sthreet an' south iv
+Jackson Bullyvard. At prisint th' opinion that pre-vails in th' ranks iv
+th' gloryous ar-rmy iv rayform is that there ain't annything worth
+seein' in this lar-rge an' commodyous desert but th' pest-house an' the
+bridewell. Me frind Willum J. O'Brien is no rayformer. But Willum J.
+undherstands that there's a few hundherds iv thousands iv people livin'
+in a part iv th' town that looks like nawthin' but smoke fr'm th' roof
+iv th' Onion League Club that have on'y two pleasures in life, to wurruk
+an' to vote, both iv which they do at th' uniform rate iv wan dollar
+an' a half a day. That's why Willum J. O'Brien is now a sinitor an' will
+be an aldherman afther next Thursdah, an' it's why other people are
+sinding him flowers.</p>
+
+<p>"This is th' way a rayform candydate is ilicted. Th' boys down town has
+heerd that things ain't goin' r-right somehow. Franchises is bein'
+handed out to none iv thim; an' wanst in a while a mimber iv th' club,
+comin' home a little late an' thryin' to ricon-cile a pair iv r-round
+feet with an embroidered sidewalk, meets a sthrong ar-rm boy that pushes
+in his face an' takes away all his marbles. It begins to be talked that
+th' time has come f'r good citizens f'r to brace up an' do somethin',
+an' they agree to nomynate a candydate f'r aldherman. 'Who'll we put
+up?' says they. 'How's Clarence Doolittle?' says wan. 'He's laid up with
+a coupon thumb, an' can't r-run.' 'An' how about Arthur Doheny?' 'I
+swore an oath whin I came out iv colledge I'd niver vote f'r a man that
+wore a made tie.' 'Well, thin, let's thry Willie Boye.' 'Good,' says
+th' comity. 'He's jus' th' man f'r our money.' An' Willie Boye, after
+thinkin' it over, goes to his tailor an' ordhers three dozen pairs iv
+pants, an' decides f'r to be th' sthandard-bearer iv th' people. Musin'
+over his fried eyesthers an' asparagus an' his champagne, he bets a polo
+pony again a box of golf-balls he'll be ilicted unanimous; an' all th'
+good citizens make a vow f'r to set th' alar-rm clock f'r half-past
+three on th' afthernoon iv iliction day, so's to be up in time to vote
+f'r th' riprisintitive iv pure gover'mint.</p>
+
+<p>"'Tis some time befure they comprehind that there ar-re other candydates
+in th' field. But th' other candydates know it. Th' sthrongest iv
+thim&mdash;his name is Flannigan, an' he's a re-tail dealer in wines an'
+liquors, an' he lives over his establishment. Flannigan was nomynated
+enthusyastically at a prim'ry held in his bar-rn; an' before Willie Boye
+had picked out pants that wud match th' color iv th' Austhreelyan ballot
+this here Flannigan had put a man on th' day watch, tol' him to speak
+gently to anny ray-gistered voter that wint to sleep behind th' sthove,
+an' was out that night visitin' his frinds. Who was it judged th' cake
+walk? Flannigan. Who was it carrid th' pall? Flannigan. Who was it sthud
+up at th' christening? Flannigan. Whose ca-ards did th' grievin' widow,
+th' blushin' bridegroom, or th' happy father find in th' hack?
+Flannigan's. Ye bet ye'er life. Ye see Flannigan wasn't out f'r th' good
+iv th' community. Flannigan was out f'r Flannigan an' th' stuff.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, iliction day come around; an' all th' imminent frinds iv good
+gover'mint had special wires sthrung into th' club, an' waited f'r th'
+returns. Th' first precin't showed 28 votes f'r Willie Boye to 14 f'r
+Flannigan. 'That's my precin't,' says Willie. 'I wondher who voted thim
+fourteen?' 'Coachmen,' says Clarence Doolittle. 'There are thirty-five
+precin'ts in this ward,' says th' leader iv th' rayform ilimint. 'At
+this rate, I'm sure iv 440 meejority. Gossoon,' he says, 'put a keg iv
+sherry wine on th' ice,' he says. 'Well,' he says, 'at last th'
+community is relieved fr'm misrule,' he says. 'To-morrah I will start in
+arrangin' amindmints to th' tariff schedool an' th' ar-bitration
+threety,' he says. 'We must be up an' doin',' he says. 'Hol' on there,'
+says wan iv th' comity. 'There must be some mistake in this fr'm th'
+sixth precin't,' he says. 'Where's the sixth precin't?' says Clarence.
+'Over be th' dumps,' says Willie. 'I told me futman to see to that. He
+lives at th' corner iv Desplaines an Bloo Island Av'noo on Goose's
+Island,' he says. 'What does it show?' 'Flannigan, three hundherd an'
+eighty-five; Hansen, forty-eight; Schwartz, twinty; O'Malley, sivinteen;
+Casey, ten; O'Day, eight; Larsen, five; O'Rourke, three; Mulcahy, two;
+Schmitt, two; Moloney, two; Riordon, two; O'Malley, two; Willie Boye,
+wan.' 'Gintlemin,' says Willie Boye, arisin' with a stern look in his
+eyes, 'th' rascal has bethrayed me. Waither, take th' sherry wine off
+th' ice. They'se no hope f'r sound financial legislation this year. I'm
+goin' home.'</p>
+
+<p>"An', as he goes down th' sthreet, he hears a band play an' sees a
+procission headed be a calceem light; an', in a carredge, with his plug
+hat in his hand an' his di'mond makin' th' calceem look like a piece iv
+punk in a smoke-house, is Flannigan, payin' his first visit this side iv
+th' thracks."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_PATERNAL_DUTY" id="ON_PATERNAL_DUTY"></a>ON PATERNAL DUTY.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"I'm havin' a time iv it with Terence," said Mr. Hennessy, despondently.</p>
+
+<p>"What's th' la-ad been doin'?" asked Mr. Dooley.</p>
+
+<p>"It ain't so much what he's doin'," Mr. Hennessy explained, "as what he
+ain't doin.' He ain't stayin' home iv nights, an' he ain't wurrukin';
+but he does be out on th' corner with th' Cromleys an' th' rest, dancin'
+jig steps an' whistlin' th' 'Rogue's March' whin a polisman goes by.
+Sure, I can do nawthin' with him, f'r he's that kind an' good at home
+that he'd melt th' heart iv a man iv stone. But it's gray me life is,
+thinkin' iv what's to become iv him whin he gets to be a man grown.
+Ye're lucky, Martin, that ye're childless."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, I cudden't be anny other way, an' hold me good name," said Mr.
+Dooley. "An', whin I look about me sometimes, it's glad I am. They'se
+been times, perhaps&mdash;But lave that go. Is there somethin' in th' air or
+is it in oursilves that makes th' childher nowadays turn out to curse
+th' lives iv thim that give thim life? It may be in th' thrainin'. Whin
+I was a kid, they were brought up to love, honor, an' respect th' ol'
+folks, that their days might be long in th' land. Amen. If they didn't,
+th' best they cud do was to say nawthin' about it. 'Twas th' back iv th'
+hand an' th' sowl iv th' fut to th' la-ad that put his spoon first into
+th' stirabout. Between th' whalin's we got at school h'isted on th' back
+iv th' big boy that was bein' thrainned to be a Christyan brother an'
+th' thumpin's we got at home, we was kept sore an' sthraight fr'm wan
+year's end to another. 'Twas no mild doses they give us, ayether. I mind
+wanst, whin I was near as big as I am now, I handed back some onkind
+re-emarks to me poor father that's dead. May he rest in peace, per
+Dominum! He must iv been a small man, an' bent with wurruk an' worry.
+But did he take me jaw? He did not. He hauled off, an' give me a r-right
+hook where th' bad wurruds come fr'm. I put up a pretty fight, f'r me
+years; but th' man doesn't live that can lick his own father. He rowled
+me acrost an oat-field, an' I give up. I didn't love him anny too well
+f'r that lickin', but I respected him; an', if he'd come into this place
+to-night,&mdash;an' he'd be near a hundherd: he was born in th' year '98, an'
+pikes was hid in his cradle,&mdash;if he come in here to-night an' pulled me
+ear, I'd fear to go again him. I wud so.</p>
+
+<p>"'Tis th' other way about now. Did ye iver know a man be th' name iv
+Ahearn? Ye did not? Well, maybe he was befure yer time. He was a cobbler
+be thrade; but he picked up money be livin' off iv leather findings an'
+wooden pegs, an' bought pieces iv th' prairie, an' starved an' bought
+more, an' starved an' starved till his heart was shrivelled up like a
+washerwoman's hand. But he made money. An' th' more he made, th' more he
+wanted, an', wantin' nawthin' more, it come to him fr'm the divvle, who
+kept th' curse f'r his own time. This man Ahearn, whin he had acres an'
+acres on Halsted Sthreet, an' tinants be th' scoor that prayed at nights
+f'r him that he might live long an' taste sorrow, he marrid a girl. Her
+name was Ryan, a little, scared, foolish woman; an' she died whin a boy
+was bor-rn. Ahearn give her a solemn rayqueem high mass an' a monument
+at Calv'ry that ye can see fr'm th' fun'ral thrain. An' he come fr'm th'
+fun'ral with th' first smile on his face that anny man iver see there,
+an' th' baby in his ar-rms.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll not say Ahearn was a changed man. Th' love iv money was knitted
+into his heart; an', afther th' la-ad come, th' way he ground th' people
+that lived in his house was death an' destruction. 'I must provide f'r
+me own,' he said. But thim that was kind to th' kid cud break th' crust,
+an' all th' r-rough, hard-wurrkin' tenants paid f'r th' favors he give
+to th' ol' frauds an' beguilin' women that petted Dan'l O'Connell
+Ahearn. Nawthin' was too good f'r th' kid. He had nurses an' servants to
+wait on him. He had clothes that'd stock this ba-ar f'r a year. Whin he
+was old enough, he was sint to Saint Ignatyous. An' th' ol' man'd take
+him walkin' on a Sundah, an' pint out th' rows an' rows iv houses, with
+th' childher in front gazin' in awe at th' great man an' their fathers
+glowerin' fr'm the windows, an' say, 'Thim will all be yours whin ye
+grow up, Dan'l O'Connell, avick.'</p>
+
+<p>"Well, it didn't take an eye iv a witch to see that Dan'l O'Connell was
+a bor-rn idjet. They was no rale harm in th' poor la-ad, on'y he was
+lazy an' foolish an' sort iv tired like. To make a long story short,
+Hinnissy, his father thried ivrything f'r him, an' got nawthin.' He
+didn't dhrink much, he cared little f'r women, he liked to play ca-ards,
+but not f'r money. He did nawthin' that was bad; an' yet he was no good
+at all, at all,&mdash;just a slow, tired, aisy-goin', shamblin' la-ad,&mdash;th'
+sort that'd wrench th' heart iv a father like Ahearn. I dinnaw what he
+did fin'lly, but wan night he come into my place an' said he'd been
+turned out be his father an' wanted a place f'r to sleep. 'Ye'll sleep
+at home,' says I. 'Ye'er father sh'd take shame to himsilf,&mdash;him a rich
+man.' An' I put on me coat, an' wint over to Ahearn's. I was a power in
+th' wa-ard in thim days, an' feared no man alive. Th' ol' la-ad met us
+at th' dure. Whin I started to speak, he blazed up. 'Misther Dooley,'
+says he, 'my sorrows are me own. I'll keep thim here. As f'r ye,' he
+says, an' tur-rned like a tiger on th' boy an' sthruck him with his ol'
+leathery hand. Th' boy stood f'r a minyit, an' thin walked out, me with
+him. I niver see him since. We left Ahearn standin' there, as we used to
+say iv th' fox in th' ol' counthry, cornered between th' river an' th'
+wall."</p>
+
+<p>"Ye're lucky to be alone," said Mr. Hennessy as he left.</p>
+
+<p>"I think so," said Mr. Dooley. But there was no content upon his face as
+he watched a lounging oaf of a boy catch up with Mr. Hennessy, exchange
+a curtly affectionate greeting, and walk over to where Mrs. Hennessy
+could be seen reading the "Key of Heaven" beside the parlor stove.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_CRIMINALS" id="ON_CRIMINALS"></a>ON CRIMINALS.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Lord bless my sowl," said Mr. Dooley, "childher is a gr-reat
+risponsibility,&mdash;agr-reat risponsibility. Whin I think iv it, I praise
+th' saints I niver was married, though I had opporchunities enough whin
+I was a young man; an' even now I have to wear me hat low whin I go down
+be Cologne Sthreet on account iv th' Widow Grogan. Jawn, that woman'll
+take me dead or alive. I wake up in a col' chill in th' middle iv th'
+night, dhreamin' iv her havin' me in her clutches.</p>
+
+<p>"But that's not here or there, avick. I was r-readin' in th' pa-apers iv
+a lad be th' name iv Scanlan bein' sint down th' short r-road f'r near a
+lifetime; an' I minded th' first time I iver see him,&mdash;a bit iv a
+curly-haired boy that played tag around me place, an' 'd sing 'Blest
+Saint Joseph' with a smile on his face like an angel's. Who'll tell what
+makes wan man a thief an' another man a saint? I dinnaw. This here boy's
+father wur-rked fr'm morn till night in th' mills, was at early mass
+Sundah mornin' befure th' alkalis lit th' candles, an' niver knowed a
+month whin he failed his jooty. An' his mother was a sweet-faced little
+woman, though fr'm th' County Kerry, that nursed th' sick an' waked th'
+dead, an' niver had a hard thought in her simple mind f'r anny iv Gawd's
+creatures. Poor sowl, she's dead now. May she rest in peace!</p>
+
+<p>"He didn't git th' shtreak fr'm his father or fr'm his mother. His
+brothers an' sisters was as fine a lot as iver lived. But this la-ad
+Petey Scanlan growed up fr'm bein' a curly-haired angel f'r to be th'
+toughest villyun in th' r-road. What was it at all, at all? Sometimes I
+think they'se poison in th' life iv a big city. Th' flowers won't grow
+here no more thin they wud in a tannery, an' th' bur-rds have no song;
+an' th' childher iv dacint men an' women come up hard in th' mouth an'
+with their hands raised again their kind.</p>
+
+<p>"Th' la-ad was th' scoorge iv th' polis. He was as quick as a cat an' as
+fierce as a tiger, an' I well raymimber him havin' laid out big Kelly
+that used to thravel this post,&mdash;'Whistlin'' Kelly that kep' us awake
+with imitations iv a mockin' bur-rd,&mdash;I well raymimber him scuttlin' up
+th' alley with a score iv polismin laborin' afther him, thryin' f'r a
+shot at him as he wint around th' bar-rns or undher th' thrucks. He
+slep' in th' coal-sheds afther that until th' poor ol' man cud square it
+with th' loot. But, whin he come out, ye cud see how his face had
+hardened an' his ways changed. He was as silent as an animal, with a
+sideways manner that watched ivrything. Right here in this place I seen
+him stand f'r a quarther iv an' hour, not seemin' to hear a dhrunk man
+abusin' him, an' thin lep out like a snake. We had to pry him loose.</p>
+
+<p>"Th' ol' folks done th' best they cud with him. They hauled him out iv
+station an' jail an' bridewell. Wanst in a long while they'd dhrag him
+off to church with his head down: that was always afther he'd been
+sloughed up f'r wan thing or another. Between times th' polis give him
+his own side iv th' sthreet, an' on'y took him whin his back was
+tur-rned. Thin he'd go in the wagon with a mountain iv thim on top iv
+him, sway in' an' swearin' an' sthrikin' each other in their hurry to
+put him to sleep with their clubs.</p>
+
+<p>"I mind well th' time he was first took to be settled f'r good. I heerd
+a noise in th' ya-ard, an' thin he come through th' place with his face
+dead gray an' his lips just a turn grayer. 'Where ar-re ye goin',
+Petey?' says I. 'I was jus' takin' a short cut home,' he says. In three
+minyits th' r-road was full iv polismin. They'd been a robbery down in
+Halsted Sthreet. A man that had a grocery sthore was stuck up, an' whin
+he fought was clubbed near to death; an' they'd r-run Scanlan through
+th' alleys to his father's house. That was as far as they'd go. They was
+enough iv thim to've kicked down th' little cottage with their heavy
+boots, but they knew he was standin' behind th' dure with th' big gun in
+his hand; an', though they was manny a good lad there, they was none
+that cared f'r that short odds.</p>
+
+<p>"They talked an' palavered outside, an' telephoned th' chief iv polis,
+an' more pathrol wagons come up. Some was f'r settin' fire to th'
+buildin', but no wan moved ahead. Thin th' fr-ront dure opened, an' who
+shud come out but th' little mother. She was thin an' pale, an' she had
+her apron in her hands, pluckin' at it. 'Gintlemin,' she says, 'what is
+it ye want iv me?' she says. 'Liftinant Cassidy,' she says, ''tis
+sthrange f'r ye that I've knowed so long to make scandal iv me before me
+neighbors,' she says. 'Mrs. Scanlan,' says he, 'we want th' boy. I'm
+sorry, ma'am, but he's mixed up in a bad scrape, an' we must have him,'
+he says. She made a curtsy to thim, an' wint indures. 'Twas less than a
+minyit before she come out, clingin' to th' la-ad's ar-rm. 'He'll go,'
+she says. 'Thanks be, though he's wild, they'se no crime on his head. Is
+there, dear?' 'No,' says he, like th' game kid he is. Wan iv th'
+polismin stharted to take hold iv him, but th' la-ad pushed him back;
+an' he wint to th' wagon on his mother's ar-rm."</p>
+
+<p>"And was he really innocent?" Mr. McKenna asked.</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Mr. Dooley. "But she niver knowed it. Th' ol' man come home
+an' found her: she was settin' in a big chair with her apron in her
+hands an th' picture iv th' la-ad in her lap."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_A_PLOT" id="ON_A_PLOT"></a>ON A PLOT.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "th' European situation is becomin' a little
+gay."</p>
+
+<p>"It 'tis so," said Mr. Hennessy. "If I was conthrollin' anny iv the
+gr-reat powers, I'd go down to th' Phosphorus an' take th' sultan be th'
+back iv th' neck an' give him wan, two, three. 'Tis a shame f'r him to
+be desthroyin' white people without anny man layin' hands on him. Th'
+man's no frind iv mine. He ought to be impeached an' thrun out."</p>
+
+<p>"Divvle take th' sultan," said Mr. Dooley. "It's little I care f'r him
+or th' likes iv him or th' Ar-menyans or th' Phosphorus. I was runnin'
+over in me mind about th' poor lads they have sloughed up beyant f'r
+attimptin' to blow up Queen Victorya an' th cza-ar iv Rooshia. Glory be,
+but they'se nawthin' in the wide wurruld as aisy to undherstand as a
+rivoluchonary plot be our own people. You'll see a lad iv th' right sort
+that'd niver open his head fr'm wan end iv th' year to th'other; but,
+whin he's picked out to go on a mission to London, he niver laves off
+talkin' till they put him aboord th' steamer. Here was Tynan. They say
+he had a hand in sindin' Lord Cavendish down th' toboggan, though I'd
+not thrust his own tellin' as far as th' len'th iv me ar-rm. Now he
+figured out that th' thrue way to free Ireland was to go over an' blow
+th' windows in Winzer Palace, an' incidentally to hist th' queen an' th'
+Rooshian cza-ar without th' aid iv th' elevator. What this here Tynan
+had again th' Rooshian cza-ar I niver heerd. But 'twas something awful,
+ye may be sure.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, th' first thing th' la-ads done was to go to Madison Square
+Garden an' hold a secret meetin', in which thim that was to hand th'
+package to th' queen and thim that was to toss a piece iv gas pipe to
+his cza-ars was told off. Thin a comity was sint around to th' newspaper
+offices to tell thim th' expedition was about to start. Th'
+conspirators, heavily disgeesed, was attinded to th' boat be a long
+procission. First come Tynan ridin' on a wagon-load iv nithroglycerine;
+thin th' other conspirators, with gas-pipe bombs an' picks an' chuvvels
+f'r tunnellin' undher Winzer Castle; thin th' Ah-o-haitches; thin th'
+raypoorthers; thin a brigade iv Scotland Ya-ard spies in th' ga-arb iv
+polismin. An' so off they wint on their secret mission, with th' band
+playin' 'Th' Wearin' iv th' Green,' an Tynan standin' on th' quarther
+deck, smilin' an' bowin' an' wavin' a bag iv jint powdher over his head.</p>
+
+<p>"No sooner had th' conspirators landed thin th' British gover'mint begun
+to grow suspicious iv thim. Tynan was shadowed be detictives in
+citizens' clothes; an', whin he was seen out in his backyard practisin'
+blowin' up a bar'l that he'd dhressed in a shawl an' a little lace cap,
+th' suspicions growed. Ivrywhere that Tynan wint he was purshooed be th'
+minions iv tyranny. Whin he visited th' house nex' dure to th' queen's,
+an' unloaded a dhray full iv explosives an' chuvvels, the fact was
+rayported to th' polis, who become exthremely vigilant. Th' detictives
+followed him to Scotland Yard, where he wint to inform th' captain iv
+th' conspiracy, an' overheard much damming ividence iv th' plot until
+they become more an' more suspicious that something was on, although
+what was th' intintions iv th' conspirators it was hard to make out fr'm
+their peculiar actions. Whin Tynan gathered his followers in Hyde Park,
+an' notified thim iv the positions they was to take and disthributed th'
+dinnymite among thim, th' detictives become decidedly suspicious. Their
+suspicions was again aroused whin Tynan asked permission iv th' common
+council to build a bay window up close to th' queen's bedroom. But th'
+time to act had not come, an' they continted thimselves with thrackin'
+him through th' sthreets an' takin' notes iv such suspicious remarks as
+'Anny wan that wants mementoes iv th' queen has on'y to be around this
+neighborhood nex' week with a shovel an' a basket,' an' 'Onless ye want
+ye'er clothes to be spoiled be th' czar, ye'd best carry umbrellas.' On
+th' followin' day Tynan took th' step that was needed f'r to con-vince
+th' gover'mint that he had designs on the monarchs. He wint to France.
+It's always been obsarved that, whin a dinnymiter had to blow up
+annything in London, he laves th' counthry. Th' polis, now thoroughly
+aroused, acted with commindable promptness. They arristed Tynan in
+Booloon f'r th' murdher iv Cavendish.</p>
+
+<p>"Thus," said Mr. Dooley, sadly, "thus is th' vengeance f'r which our
+beloved counthry has awaited so long delayed be th' hand iv
+onscrupulious tyranny. Sthrive as our heroes may, no secrecy is secure
+against th' corruption iv British goold. Oh, Ireland, is this to be thy
+fate forever? Ar-re ye niver to escape th' vigilance iv th' polis, thim
+cold-eyed sleuths that seem to read th' very thoughts iv ye'er pathriot
+sons?"</p>
+
+<p>"There must have been a spy in th' ranks," said Mr. Hennessy.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure thing," said Mr. Dooley, winking at Mr. McKenna. "Sure thing,
+Hinnissy. Ayether that or th' accomplished detictives at Scotland Yards
+keep a close watch iv the newspapers. Or it may be&mdash;who knows?&mdash;that
+Tynan was indiscreet. He may have dhropped a hint of his intintions."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_THE_NEW_WOMAN" id="ON_THE_NEW_WOMAN"></a>ON THE NEW WOMAN.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Molly Donahue have up an' become a new woman!</p>
+
+<p>"It's been a good thing f'r ol' man Donahue, though, Jawn. He shtud
+ivrything that mortal man cud stand. He seen her appearin' in th' road
+wearin' clothes that no lady shud wear an' ridin' a bicycle; he was
+humiliated whin she demanded to vote; he put his pride under his ar-rm
+an' ma-arched out iv th' house whin she committed assault-an'-batthry on
+th' piannah. But he's got to th' end iv th' rope now. He was in here
+las' night, how-come-ye-so, with his hat cocked over his eye an' a look
+iv risolution on his face; an' whin he left me, he says, says he,
+'Dooley,' he says, 'I'll conquir, or I'll die,' he says.</p>
+
+<p>"It's been comin f'r months, but it on'y bust oh Donahue las' week. He'd
+come home at night tired out, an' afther supper he was pullin' off his
+boots, whin Mollie an' th' mother begun talkin' about th' rights iv
+females. ''Tis th' era iv th' new woman,' says Mollie. 'Ye're right,'
+says th' mother. 'What d'ye mean be the new woman?' says Donahue,
+holdin' his boot in his hand. 'Th' new woman,' says Mollie, ''ll be free
+fr'm th' opprision iv man,' she says. 'She'll wurruk out her own way,
+without help or hinderance,' she says. She'll wear what clothes she
+wants,' she says, 'an' she'll be no man's slave,' she says. 'They'll be
+no such thing as givin' a girl in marredge to a clown an' makin' her
+dipindant on his whims,' she says. 'Th' women'll earn their own livin','
+she says; 'an' mebbe,' she says, 'th' men'll stay at home an' dredge in
+th' house wurruk,' she says. 'A-ho,' says Donahue. 'An' that's th' new
+woman, is it?' he says. An' he said no more that night.</p>
+
+<p>"But th' nex' mornin' Mrs. Donahue an' Mollie come to his dure. 'Get
+up,' says Mrs. Donahue, 'an' bring in some coal,' she says. 'Ye drowsy
+man, ye'll be late f'r ye'er wurruk.' 'Divvle th' bit iv coal I'll
+fetch,' says Donahue. 'Go away an' lave me alone,' he says. 'Ye're
+inthruptin' me dreams.' 'What ails ye, man alive?' says Mrs. Donahue.
+'Get up.' 'Go away,' says Donahue, 'an lave me slumber,' he says. 'Th'
+idee iv a couple iv big strong women like you makin' me wurruk f'r ye,'
+he says. 'Mollie 'll bring in th' coal,' he says. 'An' as f'r you,
+Honoria, ye'd best see what there is in th' cupboord an' put it in ye'er
+dinner-pail,' he says. 'I heerd th' first whistle blow a minyit ago,' he
+says; 'an' there's a pile iv slag at th' mills that has to be wheeled
+off befure th' sup'rintindint comes around,' he says. 'Ye know ye can't
+afford to lose ye'er job with me in this dilicate condition,' he says.
+'I'm going to sleep now,' he says. 'An', Mollie, do ye bring me in a cup
+iv cocoa an' a pooched igg at tin,' he says. 'I ixpect me music-teacher
+about that time. We have to take a wallop out iv Wagner an' Bootoven
+befure noon.' 'Th' Lord save us fr'm harm,' says Mrs. Donahue. 'Th'
+man's clean crazy.' 'Divvle's th' bit,' says Donahue, wavin' his red
+flannel undhershirt in th' air. 'I'm the new man,' he says.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, sir, Donahue said it flured thim complete. They didn't know what
+to say. Mollie was game, an' she fetched in th' coal; but Mrs. Donahue
+got nervous as eight o'clock come around. 'Ye're not goin' to stay in
+bed all day an' lose ye'er job,' she says. 'Th' 'ell with me job,' says
+Donahue. 'I'm not th' man to take wurruk whin they'se industhrees women
+with nawthin' to do,' he says. 'Show me th' pa-apers,' he says. 'I want
+to see where I can get an eighty-cint bonnet f'r two and a half.' He's
+that stubborn he'd've stayed in bed all day, but th' good woman
+weakened. 'Come,' she says, 'don't be foolish,' she says. 'Ye wudden't
+have th' ol' woman wurrukin' in th' mills,' she says. ''Twas all a
+joke,' she says. 'Oh-ho, th' ol' woman!' he says. 'Th' ol' woman! Well,
+that's a horse iv another color,' he says. 'An' I don't mind tellin' ye
+th' mills is closed down to-day, Honoria.' So he dhressed himsilf an'
+wint out; an' says he to Mollie, he says: 'Miss Newwoman,' says he, 'ye
+may find wurruk enough around th' house,' he says. 'An', if ye have
+time, ye might paint th' stoop,' he says. 'Th' ol' man is goin' to take
+th' ol' woman down be Halsted Sthreet' an' blow himsilf f'r a new shawl
+f'r her.'</p>
+
+<p>"An' he's been that proud iv th' victhry that he's been a reg'lar
+customer f'r a week."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_EXPERT_TESTIMONY" id="ON_EXPERT_TESTIMONY"></a>ON EXPERT TESTIMONY.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Annything new?" said Mr. Hennessy, who had been waiting patiently for
+Mr. Dooley to put down his newspaper.</p>
+
+<p>"I've been r-readin' th' tistimony iv th' Lootgert case," said Mr.
+Dooley.</p>
+
+<p>"What d'ye think iv it?"</p>
+
+<p>"I think so," said Mr. Dooley.</p>
+
+<p>"Think what?"</p>
+
+<p>"How do I know?" said Mr. Dooley. "How do I know what I think? I'm no
+combination iv chemist, doctor, osteologist, polisman, an'
+sausage-maker, that I can give ye an opinion right off th' bat. A man
+needs to be all iv thim things to detarmine annything about a murdher
+trile in these days. This shows how intilligent our methods is, as Hogan
+says. A large German man is charged with puttin' his wife away into a
+breakfas'-dish, an' he says he didn't do it. Th' on'y question, thin,
+is, Did or did not Alphonse Lootgert stick Mrs. L. into a vat, an'
+rayjooce her to a quick lunch? Am I right?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ye ar-re," said Mr. Hennessy.</p>
+
+<p>"That's simple enough. What th' coort ought to've done was to call him
+up, an' say: 'Lootgert, where's ye'er good woman?' If Lootgert cudden't
+tell, he ought to be hanged on gin'ral principles; f'r a man must keep
+his wife around th' house, an' whin she isn't there, it shows he's a
+poor provider. But, if Lootgert says, 'I don't know where me wife is,'
+the coort shud say: 'Go out, an' find her. If ye can't projooce her in a
+week, I'll fix ye.' An' let that be th' end iv it.</p>
+
+<p>"But what do they do? They get Lootgert into coort an' stand him up
+befure a gang iv young rayporthers an' th' likes iv thim to make
+pitchers iv him. Thin they summon a jury composed iv poor tired, sleepy
+expressmen an' tailors an' clerks. Thin they call in a profissor from a
+colledge. 'Profissor,' says th' lawyer f'r the State, 'I put it to ye if
+a wooden vat three hundherd an' sixty feet long, twenty-eight feet deep,
+an' sivinty-five feet wide, an' if three hundherd pounds iv caustic soda
+boiled, an' if the leg iv a guinea pig, an' ye said yestherdah about
+bi-carbonate iv soda, an' if it washes up an' washes over, an' th'
+slimy, slippery stuff, an' if a false tooth or a lock iv hair or a
+jawbone or a goluf ball across th' cellar eleven feet nine inches&mdash;that
+is, two inches this way an' five gallons that?' 'I agree with ye
+intirely,' says th' profissor. 'I made lab'ratory experiments in an'
+ir'n basin, with bichloride iv gool, which I will call soup-stock, an'
+coal tar, which I will call ir'n filings. I mixed th' two over a hot
+fire, an' left in a cool place to harden. I thin packed it in ice, which
+I will call glue, an' rock-salt, which I will call fried eggs, an'
+obtained a dark, queer solution that is a cure f'r freckles, which I
+will call antimony or doughnuts or annything I blamed please.'</p>
+
+<p>"'But,' says th' lawyer f'r th' State, 'measurin' th' vat with gas,&mdash;an'
+I lave it to ye whether this is not th' on'y fair test,&mdash;an' supposin'
+that two feet acrost is akel to tin feet sideways, an' supposin' that a
+thick green an' hard substance, an' I daresay it wud; an' supposin' you
+may, takin' into account th' measuremints,&mdash;twelve be eight,&mdash;th' vat
+bein' wound with twine six inches fr'm th' handle an' a rub iv th'
+green, thin ar-re not human teeth often found in counthry sausage?' 'In
+th' winter,' says th' profissor. 'But th' sisymoid bone is sometimes
+seen in th' fut, sometimes worn as a watch-charm. I took two sisymoid
+bones, which I will call poker dice, an' shook thim together in a
+cylinder, which I will call Fido, poored in a can iv milk, which I will
+call gum arabic, took two pounds iv rough-on-rats, which I rayfuse to
+call; but th' raysult is th' same.' Question be th' coort: 'Different?'
+Answer: 'Yis.' Th' coort: 'Th' same.' Be Misther McEwen: 'Whose bones?'
+Answer: 'Yis.' Be Misther Vincent: 'Will ye go to th' divvle?' Answer:
+'It dissolves th' hair.'</p>
+
+<p>"Now what I want to know is where th' jury gets off. What has that
+collection iv pure-minded pathrites to larn fr'm this here polite
+discussion, where no wan is so crool as to ask what anny wan else
+means? Thank th' Lord, whin th' case is all over, the jury'll pitch th'
+tistimony out iv th' window, an' consider three questions: 'Did Lootgert
+look as though he'd kill his wife? Did his wife look as though she ought
+to be kilt? Isn't it time we wint to supper?' An', howiver they answer,
+they'll be right, an' it'll make little difference wan way or th' other.
+Th' German vote is too large an' ignorant, annyhow."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_THE_POPULARITY_OF_FIREMEN" id="ON_THE_POPULARITY_OF_FIREMEN"></a>ON THE POPULARITY OF FIREMEN.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"I knowed a man be th' name iv Clancy wanst, Jawn. He was fr'm th'
+County May-o, but a good man f'r all that; an', whin he'd growed to be a
+big, sthrappin' fellow, he wint on to th' fire departmint. They'se an
+Irishman 'r two on th' fire departmint an' in th' army, too, Jawn,
+though ye'd think be hearin' some talk they was all runnin' prim'ries
+an' thryin' to be cinthral comitymen. So ye wud. Ye niver hear iv thim
+on'y whin they die; an' thin, murther, what funerals they have!</p>
+
+<p>"Well, this Clancy wint on th' fire departmint, an' they give him a
+place in thruck twinty-three. All th' r-road was proud iv him, an' faith
+he was proud iv himsilf. He r-rode free on th' sthreet ca-ars, an' was
+th' champeen hand-ball player f'r miles around. Ye shud see him goin'
+down th' sthreet, with his blue shirt an' his blue coat with th' buttons
+on it, an' his cap on his ear. But ne'er a cap or coat'd he wear whin
+they was a fire. He might be shiv'rin' be th' stove in th' ingine house
+with a buffalo robe over his head; but, whin th' gong sthruck, 'twas off
+with coat an' cap an' buffalo robe, an' out come me brave Clancy,
+bare-headed an' bare hand, dhrivin' with wan line an' spillin' th' hose
+cart on wan wheel at ivry jump iv th' horse. Did anny wan iver see a
+fireman with his coat on or a polisman with his off? Why, wanst, whin
+Clancy was standin' up f'r Grogan's eighth, his son come runnin' in to
+tell him they was a fire in Vogel's packin' house. He dhropped th' kid
+at Father Kelly's feet, an' whipped off his long coat an' wint tearin'
+f'r th' dure, kickin' over th' poorbox an' buttin' ol' Mis' O'Neill
+that'd come in to say th' stations. 'Twas lucky 'twas wan iv th'
+Grogans. They're a fine family f'r falls. Jawn Grogan was wurrukin' on
+th' top iv Metzri an' O'Connell's brewery wanst, with a man be th' name
+iv Dorsey. He slipped an' fell wan hundherd feet. Whin they come to see
+if he was dead, he got up, an' says he: 'Lave me at him.' 'At who?'
+says they. 'He's deliryous,' they says. 'At Dorsey,' says Grogan. 'He
+thripped me.' So it didn't hurt Grogan's eighth to fall four 'r five
+feet.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Clancy wint to fires an' fires. Whin th' big organ facthry burnt,
+he carrid th' hose up to th' fourth story an' was squirtin' whin th'
+walls fell. They dug him out with pick an' shovel, an' he come up fr'm
+th' brick an' boards an' saluted th' chief. 'Clancy,' says th' chief,
+'ye betther go over an' get a dhrink.' He did so, Jawn. I heerd it. An'
+Clancy was that proud!</p>
+
+<p>"Whin th' Hogan flats on Halsted Sthreet took fire, they got all th'
+people out but wan; an' she was a woman asleep on th' fourth flure.
+'Who'll go up?' says Bill Musham. 'Sure, sir,' says Clancy, 'I'll go';
+an' up he wint. His captain was a man be th' name iv O'Connell, fr'm th'
+County Kerry; an' he had his fut on th' ladder whin Clancy started.
+Well, th' good man wint into th' smoke, with his wife faintin' down
+below. 'He'll be kilt,' says his brother. 'Ye don't know him,' says
+Bill Musham. An' sure enough, whin ivry wan'd give him up, out comes me
+brave Clancy, as black as a Turk, with th' girl in his arms. Th' others
+wint up like monkeys, but he shtud wavin' thim off, an' come down th'
+ladder face forward. 'Where'd ye larn that?' says Bill Musham. 'I seen a
+man do it at th' Lyceem whin I was a kid,' says Clancy. 'Was it all
+right?' 'I'll have ye up before th' ol' man,' says Bill Musham. 'I'll
+teach ye to come down a laddher as if ye was in a quadhrille, ye
+horse-stealin', ham-sthringin' May-o man,' he says. But he didn't.
+Clancy wint over to see his wife. 'O Mike,' says she, ''twas fine,' she
+says. 'But why d'ye take th' risk?' she says. 'Did ye see th' captain?'
+he says with a scowl. 'He wanted to go. Did ye think I'd follow a Kerry
+man with all th' ward lukkin' on?' he says.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, so he wint dhrivin' th' hose-cart on wan wheel, an' jumpin' whin
+he heerd a man so much as hit a glass to make it ring. All th' people
+looked up to him, an' th' kids followed him down th' sthreet; an' 'twas
+th' gr-reatest priv'lige f'r anny wan f'r to play dominos with him near
+th' joker. But about a year ago he come in to see me, an' says he,
+'Well, I'm goin' to quit.' 'Why,' says I, 'ye'er a young man yet,' I
+says. 'Faith,' he says, 'look at me hair,' he says,&mdash;'young heart, ol'
+head. I've been at it these twinty year, an' th' good woman's wantin' to
+see more iv me thin blowin' into a saucer iv coffee,' he says. 'I'm
+goin' to quit,' he says, 'on'y I want to see wan more good fire,' he
+says. 'A rale good ol' hot wan,' he says, 'with th' win' blowin' f'r it
+an' a good dhraft in th' ilivator-shaft, an' about two stories, with
+pitcher-frames an' gasoline an' excelsior, an' to hear th' chief
+yellin': "Play 'way, sivinteen. What th' hell an' damnation are ye
+standin' aroun' with that pipe f'r? Is this a fire 'r a dam livin'
+pitcher? I'll break ivry man iv eighteen, four, six, an' chem'cal five
+to-morrah mornin' befure breakfast." Oh,' he says, bringin' his fist
+down, 'wan more, an' I'll quit.'</p>
+
+<p>"An' he did, Jawn. Th' day th' Carpenter Brothers' box factory burnt.
+'Twas wan iv thim big, fine-lookin' buildings that pious men built out
+iv celluloid an' plasther iv Paris. An' Clancy was wan iv th' men undher
+whin th' wall fell. I seen thim bringin' him home; an' th' little woman
+met him at th' dure, rumplin' her apron in her hands."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_THE_GAME_OF_FOOTBALL" id="ON_THE_GAME_OF_FOOTBALL"></a>ON THE GAME OF FOOTBALL.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Whin I was a young man," said Mr. Dooley, "an' that was a long time
+ago,&mdash;but not so long ago as manny iv me inimies'd like to believe, if I
+had anny inimies,&mdash;I played futball, but 'twas not th' futball I see
+whin th' Brothers' school an' th' Saint Aloysius Tigers played las' week
+on th' pee-raries.</p>
+
+<p>"Whin I was a la-ad, iv a Sundah afthernoon we'd get out in th' field
+where th' oats'd been cut away, an' we'd choose up sides. Wan cap'n'd
+pick one man, an' th' other another. 'I choose Dooley,' 'I choose
+O'Connor,' 'I choose Dimpsey,' 'I choose Riordan,' an' so on till there
+was twinty-five or thirty on a side. Thin wan cap'n'd kick th' ball, an'
+all our side'd r-run at it an' kick it back; an' thin wan iv th' other
+side'd kick it to us, an' afther awhile th' game'd get so timpischous
+that all th' la-ads iv both sides'd be in wan pile, kickin' away at wan
+or th' other or at th' ball or at th' impire, who was mos'ly a la-ad
+that cudden't play an' that come out less able to play thin he was whin
+he wint in. An', if anny wan laid hands on th' ball, he was kicked be
+ivry wan else an' be th' impire. We played fr'm noon till dark, an'
+kicked th' ball all th' way home in the moonlight.</p>
+
+<p>"That was futball, an' I was a great wan to play it. I'd think nawthin'
+iv histin' th' ball two hundherd feet in th' air, an' wanst I give it
+such a boost that I stove in th' ribs iv th' Prowtestant minister&mdash;bad
+luck to him, he was a kind man&mdash;that was lookin' on fr'm a hedge. I was
+th' finest player in th' whole county, I was so.</p>
+
+<p>"But this here game that I've been seein' ivry time th' pagan fistival
+iv Thanksgivin' comes ar-round, sure it ain't th' game I played. I seen
+th' Dorgan la-ad comin' up th' sthreet yestherdah in his futball
+clothes,&mdash;a pair iv matthresses on his legs, a pillow behind, a mask
+over his nose, an' a bushel measure iv hair on his head. He was followed
+be three men with bottles, Dr. Ryan, an' th' Dorgan fam'ly. I jined
+thim. They was a big crowd on th' peerary,&mdash;a bigger crowd than ye cud
+get to go f'r to see a prize fight. Both sides had their frinds that
+give th' colledge cries. Says wan crowd: 'Take an ax, an ax, an ax to
+thim. Hooroo, hooroo, hellabaloo. Christyan Bro-others!' an' th' other
+says, 'Hit thim, saw thim, gnaw thim, chaw thim, Saint Aloysius!' Well,
+afther awhile they got down to wurruk. 'Sivin, eighteen, two, four,'
+says a la-ad. I've seen people go mad over figures durin' th' free
+silver campaign, but I niver see figures make a man want f'r to go out
+an' kill his fellow-men befure. But these here figures had th' same
+effect on th' la-ads that a mintion iv Lord Castlereagh'd have on their
+fathers. Wan la-ad hauled off, an' give a la-ad acrost fr'm him a punch
+in th' stomach. His frind acrost th' way caught him in th' ear. Th'
+cinter rush iv th' Saint Aloysiuses took a runnin' jump at th' left lung
+iv wan iv th' Christyan Brothers, an' wint to th' grass with him. Four
+Christyan Brothers leaped most crooly at four Saint Aloysiuses, an'
+rolled thim. Th' cap'n iv th' Saint Aloysiuses he took th' cap'n iv th'
+Christyan Brothers be th' leg, an' he pounded th' pile with him as I've
+seen a section hand tamp th' thrack. All this time young Dorgan was
+standin' back, takin' no hand in th' affray. All iv a suddent he give a
+cry iv rage, an' jumped feet foremost into th' pile. 'Down!' says th'
+impire. 'Faith, they are all iv that,' says I, 'Will iver they get up?'
+'They will,' says ol' man Dorgan. 'Ye can't stop thim,' says he.</p>
+
+<p>"It took some time f'r to pry thim off. Near ivry man iv th' Saint
+Aloysiuses was tied in a knot around wan iv th' Christyan Brothers. On'y
+wan iv them remained on th' field. He was lyin' face down, with his nose
+in th' mud. 'He's kilt,' says I. 'I think he is,' says Dorgan, with a
+merry smile. 'Twas my boy Jimmy done it, too,' says he. 'He'll be
+arrested f'r murdher,' says I. 'He will not,' says he. 'There's on'y
+wan polisman in town cud take him, an' he's down town doin' th' same f'r
+somebody,' he says. Well, they carried th' corpse to th' side, an' took
+th' ball out iv his stomach with a monkey wrinch, an' th' game was
+ray-shumed. 'Sivin, sixteen, eight, eleven,' says Saint Aloysius; an'
+young Dorgan started to run down th' field. They was another young la-ad
+r-runnin' in fr-front iv Dorgan; an', as fast as wan iv th' Christyan
+Brothers come up an' got in th' way, this here young Saint Aloysius
+grabbed him be th' hair iv th' head an' th' sole iv th' fut, an' thrun
+him over his shoulder. 'What's that la-ad doin'?' says I. 'Interferin','
+says he. 'I shud think he was,' says I, 'an' most impudent,' I says.
+''Tis such interference as this,' I says, 'that breaks up fam'lies'; an'
+I come away.</p>
+
+<p>"'Tis a noble sport, an' I'm glad to see us Irish ar-re gettin' into it.
+Whin we larn it thruly, we'll teach thim colledge joods fr'm th' pie
+belt a thrick or two."</p>
+
+<p>"We have already," said Mr. Hennessy. "They'se a team up in Wisconsin
+with a la-ad be th' name iv Jeremiah Riordan f'r cap'n, an' wan named
+Patsy O'Dea behind him. They come down here, an' bate th' la-ads fr'm
+th' Chicawgo Colledge down be th' Midway."</p>
+
+<p>"Iv coorse, they did," said Mr. Dooley. "Iv coorse, they did. An' they
+cud bate anny collection iv Baptists that iver come out iv a tank."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_THE_NECESSITY_OF_MODESTY_AMONG_THE_RICH" id="ON_THE_NECESSITY_OF_MODESTY_AMONG_THE_RICH"></a>ON THE NECESSITY OF MODESTY AMONG THE RICH.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"I wondher," said Mr. Hennessy, "if thim Hadley-Markhams that's goin' to
+give th' ball is anny kin iv th' aldherman?"</p>
+
+<p>"I doubt it," said Mr. Dooley. "I knowed all his folks. They're Monaghan
+people, an' I niver heerd iv thim marryin' into th' Hadleys, who come
+fr'm away beyant near th' Joynt's Causeway. What med ye think iv thim?"</p>
+
+<p>"I was readin' about th' Prowtestant minister that give thim such a
+turnin' over th' other night," said Hennessy. Then the Philistine went
+on: "It looks to me as though th' man was wr-rong, an' th'
+Hadley-Markhams was right. Faith, th' more th' poor can get out iv th'
+r-rich, th' better f'r thim. I seen it put just r-right in th' paper th'
+other day. If these people didn't let go iv their coin here, they'd take
+it away with thim to Paris or West Baden, Indiana, an' spind it instid
+iv puttin' it in circulation amongst th' florists an' dhressmakers an'
+hackmen they'll have to hire. I believe in encouragin' th' rich to walk
+away fr'm their change. 'Tis gr-reat f'r business."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Dooley mused over this proposition some time before he said:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Years ago, whin I was a little bit iv a kid, hardly high enough to look
+into th' pot iv stirabout on th' peat fire, they was a rich landlord in
+our part iv Ireland; an' he ownded near half th' counthryside. His name
+was Dorsey,&mdash;Willum Edmund Fitzgerald Dorsey, justice iv th' peace,
+mimber iv Parlymint.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll niver tell ye how much land that man had in his own r-right. Ye
+cud walk f'r a day without lavin' it, bog an' oat-field an' pasthure an'
+game presarves. He was smothered with money, an' he lived in a house as
+big as th' Audjitoroom Hotel. Manny's th' time I've seen him ride by our
+place, an' me father'd raise his head from th' kish iv turf an' touch
+his hat to th' gr-reat man. An' wanst or twict in th' month th' dogs'd
+come yelpin' acrost our little place, with lads follerin' afther in
+r-red coats; f'r this Dorsey was a gr-reat huntsman, bad scran to his
+evil face.</p>
+
+<p>"He had th' r-reputation iv bein' a good landlord so long as th' crops
+come regular. He was vilent, it's thrue, an' 'd as lave as not cut a
+farmer acrost th' face with his whip f'r crossin' th' thrail iv th' fox;
+but he was liberal with his money, an', Hinnissy, that's a thrait that
+covers a multitude iv sins. He give freely to th' church, an' was as
+gin'rous to th' priest as to th' parson. He had th' gintry f'r miles
+around to his big house f'r balls an' dinners an' huntin' meetin's, an'
+half th' little shopkeepers in th' neighborin' town lived on th' money
+he spent f'r th' things he didn't bring fr'm Dublin or London. I mind
+wanst a great roar wint up whin he stayed th' whole season in England
+with his fam'ly. It near broke th' townsfolk, an' they were wild with
+delight whin he come back an' opened up th' big house.</p>
+
+<p>"But wan year there come a flood iv rain, an' th nex' year another
+flood, an' th' third year there wasn't a lumper turned up that wasn't
+blue-black to th' hear-rt. We was betther off than most, an' we suffered
+our share, Gawd knows; but thim that was scrapin' th' sod f'r a bare
+livin' fr'm day to day perished like th' cattle in th' field.</p>
+
+<p>"Thin come th' writs an' th' evictions. Th' bailiffs dhrove out in
+squads, seizin' cattle an' turnin' people into th' r-road. Nawthin' wud
+soften th' hear-rt iv Dorsey. I seen th' priest an' th' 'Piscopal
+ministher dhrivin' over to plead with him wan night; an' th' good man
+stopped at our house, comin' back, an' spent th' night with us. I heerd
+him tell me father what Dorsey said. 'Haven't I been lib'ral with me
+people?' he says. 'Haven't I give freely to ye'er churches? Haven't I
+put up soup-houses an' disthributed blankets whin th' weather was cold?
+Haven't I kept th' shopkeepers iv th' town beyant fr'm starvin' be
+thradin' with thim an' stayin' in this cur-rsed counthry, whin, if I'd
+done what me wife wanted, I'd been r-runnin' around Europe, enj'yin'
+life? I'm a risidint landlord. I ain't like Kilduff, that laves his
+estate in th' hands iv an agint. I'm proud iv me station. I was bor-rn
+here, an' here I'll die; but I'll have me r-rights. These here people
+owes their rent, an' I'll get th' rent or th' farms if I have to call on
+ivry rig'mint fr'm Bombay to Cape Clear, an' turn ivry oat-field into a
+pasture f'r me cattle. I stand on th' law. I'm a just man, an' I ask no
+more thin what belongs to me.'</p>
+
+<p>"Ivry night they was a party on th' hill, an' th' people come fr'm miles
+around; an' th' tinants trudgin' over th' muddy roads with th' peelers
+behind thim cud see th' light poorin' out fr'm th' big house an' hear
+Devine's band playin' to th' dancers. Th' shopkeepers lived in clover,
+an' thanked th' lord f'r a good landlord, an' wan that lived at home.
+But one avnin' a black man be th' name iv Shaughnessy, that had thramped
+acrost th' hills fr'm Galway just in time to rent f'r th' potato rot,
+wint and hid himself in a hedge along th' road with a shotgun loaded
+with hardware under his coat. Dorsey'd heerd talk iv the people bein'
+aggrieved at him givin' big parties while his bailiffs were hustlin' men
+and women off their hold-in's; but he was a high-handed man, an' foolish
+in his pride, an' he'd have it no other way but that he'd go about
+without protection. This night he rode alongside th' carredge iv some iv
+his frinds goin' to th' other side iv town, an' come back alone in th'
+moonlight. Th' Irish ar-re poor marksmen, Hinnissy, except whin they
+fire in platoons; but that big man loomin' up in th' moonlight on a
+black horse cud no more be missed thin th' r-rock iv Cashel. He niver
+knowed what hit him; an' Pether th' Packer come down th' followin'
+month, an' a jury iv shopkeepers hanged Shaughnessy so fast it med even
+th' judge smile."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "I suppose he desarved it; but, if I'd been
+on th' jury, I'd've starved to death before I'd give th' verdict."</p>
+
+<p>"Thrue," said Mr. Dooley. "An' Dorsey was a fool. He might've evicted
+twinty thousan' tinants, an' lived to joke about it over his bottle.
+'Twas th' music iv th' band an' th' dancin' on th' hill an' th' lights
+th' Galway man seen whin he wint up th' muddy road with his babby in his
+arrums that done th' business f'r Dorsey."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_THE_POWER_OF_LOVE" id="ON_THE_POWER_OF_LOVE"></a>ON THE POWER OF LOVE.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"'Twas this way," said Mr. Hennessy, sparring at Mr. Dooley. "Fitz led
+his right light on head, thin he stuck his thumb in Corbett's hear-rt,
+an' that was th' end iv th' fight an' iv Pompydour Jim. I tol' ye how it
+wud come out. Th' punch over th' hear-rt done th' business."</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all," said Mr. Dooley. "Not at all. 'Twas Mrs. Fitzsimmons done
+th' business. Did ye see the pitcher iv that lady? Did ye? Well,
+'twud've gone har-rd with th' lad if he'd lost th' fight in th' ring.
+He'd have to lose another at home. I'll bet five dollars that th' first
+lady iv th' land licks th' champeen without th' aid iv a stove lid. I
+know it.</p>
+
+<p>"As me good frind, Jawn Sullivan, says, 'tis a great comfort to have
+little reminders iv home near by whin ye're fightin'. Jawn had none,
+poor lad; an' that accounts f'r th' way he wint down at last. Th' home
+infloo-ence is felt in ivry walk iv life. Whin Corbett was poundin' th'
+first jintleman iv th' land like a man shinglin' a roof, th' first lady
+iv th' land stood in th' corner, cheerin' on th' bruised an' bleedin'
+hero. 'Darlin'' she says, 'think iv ye'er home, me love. Think,' she
+says, 'iv our little child larnin' his caddychism in Rahway, New
+Jersey,' she says. 'Think iv th' love I bear ye,' she says, 'an' paste
+him,' she says, 'in th' slats. Don't hit him on th' jaw,' she says.
+'He's well thrained there. But tuck ye'er lovin' hooks into his diseased
+an' achin' ribs,' she says. 'Ah, love!' she says, 'recall thim happy
+goolden days iv our coortship, whin we walked th' counthry lane in th'
+light iv th' moon,' she says, 'an hurl yer maulies into his hoops,' she
+says. 'Hit him on th' slats!' An' Fitz looked over his shoulder an' seen
+her face, an' strange feelin's iv tendherness come over him; an' thinks
+he to himself: 'What is so good as th' love iv a pure woman? If I don't
+nail this large man, she'll prob'ly kick in me head.' An' with this
+sacred sintimint in his heart he wint over an' jolted Corbett wan over
+th' lathes that retired him to th' home f'r decayed actors.</p>
+
+<p>"'Twas woman's love that done it, Hinnissy. I'll make a bet with ye
+that, if th' first lady iv th' land had been in th' ring instead iv th'
+first jintleman, Corbett wudden't have lasted wan r-round. I'd like to
+have such a wife as that. I'd do th' cookin', an' lave th' fightin' to
+her. There ought to be more like her. Th' throuble with th' race we're
+bringin' up is that th' fair sect, as Shakespeare calls thim, lacks
+inthrest in their jooty to their husbands. It's th' business iv men to
+fight, an' th' business iv their wives f'r to make thim fight. Ye may
+talk iv th' immyrality iv nailin' a man on th' jaw, but 'tis in this way
+on'y that th' wurruld increases in happiness an' th' race in strenth.
+Did ye see annywan th' other day that wasn't askin' to know how th'
+fight come out? They might say that they re-garded th' exhibition as
+brutal an' disgustin', but divvle a wan iv thim but was waitin' around
+th' corner f'r th' rayturns, an' prayin' f'r wan or th' other iv th'
+big lads. Father Kelly mentioned th' scrap in his sermon last Sundah. He
+said it was a disgraceful an' corruptin' affair, an' he was ashamed to
+see th' young men iv th' parish takin' such an inthrest in it in Lent.
+But late Winsdah afthernoon he came bust-lin' down th' sthreet. 'Nice
+day,' he says. It was poorin' rain. 'Fine,' says I. 'They was no parade
+to-day,' he says. 'No,' says I. 'Too bad,' says he; an' he started to
+go. Thin he turned, an' says he: 'Be th' way, how did that there foul
+an' outhrajous affray in Carson City come out?' 'Fitz,' says I, 'in th'
+fourteenth.' 'Ye don't say,' he says, dancin' around. 'Good,' he says.
+'I told Father Doyle this mornin' at breakfuss that if that red-headed
+man iver got wan punch at th' other lad, I'd bet a new cassock&mdash;Oh,
+dear!' he says, 'what am I sayin'?' 'Ye're sayin',' says I, 'what
+nine-tenths iv th' people, laymen an' clargy, are sayin',' I says.
+'Well,' he says, 'I guess ye're right.' he says. 'Afther all,' he says,
+'an' undher all, we're mere brutes; an' it on'y takes two lads more
+brutal than th' rest f'r to expose th' sthreak in th' best iv us. Foorce
+rules th' wurruld, an' th' churches is empty whin th' blood begins to
+flow.' he says. 'It's too bad, too bad.' he says. 'Tell me, was Corbett
+much hurted?' he says."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_THE_VICTORIAN_ERA" id="ON_THE_VICTORIAN_ERA"></a>ON THE VICTORIAN ERA.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Ar-re ye goin' to cillybrate th' queen's jubilee?" asked Mr. Dooley.</p>
+
+<p>"What's that?" demanded Mr. Hennessy, with a violent start.</p>
+
+<p>"To-day," said Mr. Dooley, "her gracious Majesty Victorya, Queen iv
+Great Britain an' that part iv Ireland north iv Sligo, has reigned f'r
+sixty long and tiresome years."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't care if she has snowed f'r sixty years," said Mr. Hennessy.
+"I'll not cillybrate it. She may be a good woman f'r all I know, but dam
+her pollytics."</p>
+
+<p>"Ye needn't be pro-fane about it," said Mr. Dooley. "I on'y ast ye a
+civil question. F'r mesilf, I have no feelin' on th' subject. I am not
+with th' queen an' I'm not again her. At th' same time I corjally agree
+with me frind Captain Finerty, who's put his newspaper in mournin' f'r
+th' ivint. I won't march in th' parade, an' I won't put anny dinnymite
+undher thim that does. I don't say th' marchers an' dinnymiters ar-re
+not both r-right. 'Tis purely a question iv taste, an', as the ixicutive
+says whin both candydates are mimbers iv th' camp, 'Pathrites will use
+their own discreetion.'</p>
+
+<p>"Th' good woman niver done me no har-rm; an', beyond throwin' a rock or
+two into an orangey's procission an' subscribin' to tin dollars' worth
+iv Fenian bonds, I've threated her like a lady. Anny gredge I iver had
+again her I burrid long ago. We're both well on in years, an' 'tis no
+use carrying har-rd feelin's to th' grave. About th' time th' lord
+chamberlain wint over to tell her she was queen, an' she came out in her
+nitey to hear th' good news, I was announced into this wurruld iv sin
+an' sorrow. So ye see we've reigned about th' same lenth iv time, an' I
+ought to be cillybratin' me di'mon' jubilee. I wud, too, if I had anny
+di'mon's. Do ye r-run down to Aldherman O'Brien's an' borrow twinty or
+thirty f'r me.</p>
+
+<p>"Great happenin's have me an' Queen Victorya seen in these sixty years.
+Durin' our binificent prisince on earth th' nations have grown r-rich
+an' prosperous. Great Britain has ixtinded her domain until th' sun
+niver sets on it. No more do th' original owners iv th' sile, they bein'
+kept movin' be th' polis. While she was lookin' on in England, I was
+lookin' on in this counthry. I have seen America spread out fr'm th'
+Atlantic to th' Pacific, with a branch office iv the Standard Ile
+Comp'ny in ivry hamlet. I've seen th' shackles dropped fr'm th' slave,
+so's he cud be lynched in Ohio. I've seen this gr-reat city desthroyed
+be fire fr'm De Koven Sthreet to th' Lake View pumpin' station, and thin
+rise felix-like fr'm its ashes, all but th' West Side, which was not
+burned. I've seen Jim Mace beat Mike McCool, an' Tom Allen beat Jim
+Mace, an' somebody beat Tom Allen, an' Jawn Sullivan beat him, an'
+Corbett beat Sullivan, an' Fitz beat Corbett; an', if I live to
+cillybrate me goold-watch-an'-chain jubilee, I may see some wan put it
+all over Fitz.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, what things I've seen in me day an' Victorya's! Think iv that
+gran' procission iv lithry men,&mdash;Tinnyson an' Longfellow an' Bill Nye
+an' Ella Wheeler Wilcox an' Tim Scanlan an'&mdash;an' I can't name thim all:
+they're too manny. An' th' brave gin'rals,&mdash;Von Molkey an' Bismarck an'
+U.S. Grant an' gallant Phil Shurdan an' Coxey. Think iv thim durin' me
+reign. An' th' invintions,&mdash;th' steam-injine an' th' printin'-press an'
+th' cotton-gin an' the gin sour an' th' bicycle an' th' flyin'-machine
+an' th' nickel-in-th'-slot machine an' th' Croker machine an' th' sody
+fountain an'&mdash;crownin' wurruk iv our civilization&mdash;th' cash raygisther.
+What gr-reat advances has science made in my time an' Victorya's! f'r,
+whin we entered public life, it took three men to watch th' bar-keep,
+while to-day ye can tell within eight dollars an hour what he's took in.</p>
+
+<p>"Glory be, whin I look back fr'm this day iv gin'ral rejoicin' in me
+rhinestone jubilee, an' see what changes has taken place an' how manny
+people have died an' how much betther off th' wurruld is, I'm proud iv
+mesilf. War an' pest'lence an' famine have occurred in me time, but I
+count thim light compared with th' binifits that have fallen to th' race
+since I come on th' earth."</p>
+
+<p>"What ar-re ye talkin' about?" cried Mr. Hennessy, in deep disgust. "All
+this time ye've been standin' behind this bar ladlin' out disturbance to
+th' Sixth Wa-ard, an' ye haven't been as far east as Mitchigan Avnoo in
+twinty years. What have ye had to do with all these things?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I had as much to do with thim as th' queen."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_THE_CURRENCY_QUESTION" id="ON_THE_CURRENCY_QUESTION"></a>ON THE CURRENCY QUESTION.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"There's some tough knots in this here currency question," said Mr.
+McKenna. "A lot of things I don't quite catch."</p>
+
+<p>"Cough thim up," said Mr. Dooley. "I'm a reg'lar caddychism iv coinage.
+Who made ye? Gawd made me. Why did he make ye? F'r to know Him, love
+Him, an' sarve Him all me days. That's th' way iv th' caddychism I
+learned whin I was a la-ad behind a hedge; but now 'tis: Who made ye?
+Ladenburg, Thalman an' Comp'ny made me. Why did they make ye? F'r to
+know thim, love thim, an' sarve thim all me days. O-ho!"</p>
+
+<p>"That's all r-right," said Mr. Thomas Larkin, the Kerry horseshoer, who
+was leaning over the cigar-case, reading what Mr. Lincoln, Mr. Blaine,
+Mr. Edward Atkinson, and Mr. Andrew D. White had to say in a small
+pamphlet. "That's all r-right, Martin. But ye're talkin' like a Populist
+an' an anarchist an' a big bullhead gen'rally. Ye bring up two or three
+Jew men, an' think f'r to scare us with thim. But look here. Supposin' a
+man comes into my place an' lays down on th' anvil a silver dollar, an'
+I give it a wallop with me hammer"&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Thin," said Mr. Dooley, "ye're knockin' th' gover'mint."</p>
+
+<p>"How am I?" said Mr. Larkin. "Niver mind now: I take this here silver
+dollar, an' I fetch it wan with me hammer. What happens?"</p>
+
+<p>"Th' man that give ye th' dollar hands ye wan in th' nose," said Mr.
+Dooley.</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all, not at&mdash;all," said Mr. Larkin. "I take this here mutilated
+an' disfigured an' bum dollar down to th' three-asury, an' I hand it in;
+an' Carlisle says, 'What kind iv an ol' piece iv mud is this ye're
+flingin' at me?' he says. 'Take it away: it's nawthin' to me.'"</p>
+
+<p>"True for you, Larkin," said Mr. McKenna. "You're on the right track.
+Carlisle couldn't take it after you'd smashed it."</p>
+
+<p>"But," said Mr. Dooley, "look here: if ye had th' free an' unlimited
+coinage iv silver at a ratio iv sixteen to wan, ye cud take this here
+mass iv silver down to Carlisle, an' say, 'Here, Jawn, give me a
+dollar'; an' he'd have to give it to ye."</p>
+
+<p>"A dollar of what?" said Mr. McKenna.</p>
+
+<p>"A dollar iv what?" repeated Mr. Dooley. "A dollar iv what? Man alive,
+don't ye know what a dollar is? Carlisle'd hand him out a plunk, a case,
+a buck. He'd say, 'Here, Larkin, ye're a dam fool to be malthreatin' th'
+currincy iv yer adophted counthry, but I have to give ye a dollar
+because ye're a good fellow an' a frind iv Dooley's.'"</p>
+
+<p>"He wouldn't say anything of the kind," said Mr. McKenna. "He'd give
+Larkin fifty cents."</p>
+
+<p>"I'd push his face in if he did," said Mr. Larkin, warmly. "I'm as good
+a ma-an as he is anny day. I'll have no man rob me."</p>
+
+<p>"But he wouldn't rob you," said Mr. McKenna. "Think of the purchasing
+power: you've got to always figure that out. A dollar you'd get then
+would be worth only half as much as it's worth now. It'd be a dollar
+like they run through the ringer down in Mexico."</p>
+
+<p>"How can wan dollar be worth on'y half as much as another dollar, if
+they're both dollars an' th' man that made thim is at la-arge?" answered
+Mr. Dooley. "Here's a dollar, an' here's a dollar. Wan akels th' other.
+Now you take this here dollar, an' come into my place. 'Give me a brandy
+an' sody,' ye say. Thin what do I say?"</p>
+
+<p>"You say you're just out of brandy and soda."</p>
+
+<p>"So I do, so I do. Thin you ask f'r a little liquor with beer f'r a
+chaser. An' I give it to ye. Ye lay down wan iv these here quartz
+dollars. I return eighty-five cints. Larkin comes in later, ordhers th'
+same thing, an' I give him th' same threatment. I play no fav-rites.
+Entertainmint f'r man an' beast."</p>
+
+<p>"But, if we had free silver, you'd charge thirty cents for the drink,"
+said Mr. McKenna.</p>
+
+<p>"I wud not," said Mr. Dooley, hotly. "I niver overcharged a man in my
+life, except durin' a campaign."</p>
+
+<p>"No one accuses you of overcharging," explained Mr. McKenna. "Everybody
+would charge the same. It'd be the regular price."</p>
+
+<p>"If it was," said Mr. Dooley, "they'd be a rivolution. But I don't
+believe it, Jawn. Let me tell ye wan thing. Whisky is th' standard iv
+value. It niver fluctuates; an' that's funny, too, seein' that so much
+iv it goes down. It was th' same price&mdash;fifteen cints a slug, two f'r a
+quarther&mdash;durin' the war; an' it was th' same price afther the war. The
+day befure th' crime iv sivinty-three it was worth fifteen cints: it was
+worth th' same th' day afther. Goold and silver fluctuates, up wan day,
+down another; but whisky stands firm an' strong, unchangeable as th'
+skies, immovable as a rock at fifteen or two f'r a quarther. If they
+want something solid as a standard iv value, something that niver is
+rajjooced in price, something ye can exchange f'r food an' other
+luxuries annywhere in th' civilized wurruld where man has a thirst,
+they'd move th' Mint over to th' internal rivinue office, and lave it
+stay there."</p>
+
+<p>Both Mr. Larkin and Mr. McKenna were diverted by this fancy.</p>
+
+<p>"There's some good argumints on both sides iv th' quisthion," said the
+Kerry man. "I heerd a man be th' name of Doyle, a helper, compare money
+to th' human lungs."</p>
+
+<p>"Th' lung argumint is all right," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' whole currency
+question is a matther iv lungs."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_POLITICAL_PARADES" id="ON_POLITICAL_PARADES"></a>ON POLITICAL PARADES.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Mr. Hennessy, wearing a silver-painted stovepipe hat and a silver cape
+and carrying a torch, came in, looking much the worse for wear. The hat
+was dented, the cape was torn, and there were marks on Mr. Hennessy's
+face.</p>
+
+<p>"Where ye been?" asked Mr. Dooley.</p>
+
+<p>"Ma-archin,'" said Mr. Hennessy.</p>
+
+<p>"Be th' looks iv ye, ye might have been th' line iv ma-arch f'r th'
+p'rade. Who's been doin' things to ye?"</p>
+
+<p>"I had a currency debate with a man be th' name iv Joyce, a towny iv
+mine, in th' Audjiotoroom Hotel," said Mr. Hennessy. "Whin we got as far
+as th' price iv wheat in th' year iv th' big wind, we pushed each other.
+Give me a high glass iv beer. I'm as dhry as a gravel roof."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Mr. Dooley, handing over the glass, "ye're an ol' man; an',
+as th' good book says, an ol' fool is th' worst yet. So I'll not thry to
+con-vince ye iv th' error iv ye'er ways. But why anny citizen that has
+things in his head shud dhress himself up like a sandwich-man, put a
+torch on his shoulder, an' toddle over this blessid town with his poor
+round feet, is more than I can come at with all me intelligence.</p>
+
+<p>"I agree with ye perfectly, Hinnissy, that this here is a crisis in our
+histhry. On wan hand is arrayed th' Shylocks an' th' pathrites, an' on
+th' other side th' pathrites an' th' arnychists. Th' Constitution must
+be upheld, th' gover'mint must be maintained, th' down-throdden farmer
+an' workin'man must get their rights. But do ye think, man alive, that
+ye're goin' to do this be pourin' lard ile frim ye'er torch down ye'er
+spine or thrippin' over sthreet-car tracks like a dhray-horse thryin' to
+play circus? Is th' Constitution anny safer to-night because ye have to
+have ye'er leg amputated to get ye'er boot off, or because Joyce has
+made ye'er face look like th' back dure-step iv a German resthrant?</p>
+
+<p>"Jawnny Mack took me down in th' afthernoon f'r to see th' monsthrous
+p'rade iv th' goold men. It was a gloryous spectacle. Th' sthreets were
+crowded with goold bugs an' women an' polismin an' ambulances. Th'
+procission was miles an' miles long. Labor an' capital marched side be
+side, or annyhow labor was in its usual place, afther th' capitalists.
+It was a noble sight f'r to see th' employer iv workin'men marchin'
+ahead iv his band iv sturdy toilers that to rest thimsilves afther th'
+layboryous occupations iv th' week was reelin' undher banners that
+dhrilled a hole in their stomachs or carryin' two-be-four joists to show
+their allegance to th' naytional honor. A man that has to shovel coke
+into a dhray or shove lumber out iv th' hole iv a barge or elevate his
+profession be carryin' a hod iv mort to th' top iv a laddher doesn't
+march with th' grace iv an antelope, be a blamed sight. To march well, a
+man's feet have to be mates; an', if he has two left feet both runnin'
+sideways, he ought to have interference boots to keep him fr'm settin'
+fire to his knees. Whin a man walks as if he expected to lave a leg
+stuck in th' sthreet behind him, he has th' gait proper f'r half-past
+six o'clock th' avenin' before pay-day. But 'tis not th' prance iv an
+American citizen makin' a gloryous spectacle iv himsilf."</p>
+
+<p>"They were coerced," said Mr. Hennessy, gloomily.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't ye believe it," replied the philosopher. "It niver requires
+coercion to get a man to make a monkey iv himsilf in a prisidintial
+campaign. He does it as aisily as ye dhrink ye'er liquor, an' that's too
+aisy. Don't ye believe thim lads with lumber ya-ards on their necks an'
+bar'ls on their feet was coerced. There wasn't wan iv thim that wudden't
+give his week's wages f'r a chanst to show how many times he cud thrip
+over a manhole in a mile. No more coerced than ye are whin ye r-run down
+town an' make an ape iv ye-ersilf. I see ye marchin' away fr'm
+Finucane's with th' Willum J. O'Briens. Th' man nex' to ye had a banner
+declarin' that he was no slave. 'Twas th' la-ad Johnson. He was
+r-right. He is no slave, an' he won't be wan as long as people have
+washin' to give to his wife. Th' man I see ye takin' a dhrink with had a
+banner that said if th' mines was opened th' mills would be opened, too.
+He meant be that, that if money was plenty enough f'r him to get some
+without wurrukin', he'd open a gin mill. An' ye ma-arched afther Willum
+J. O'Brien, didn't ye? Well, he's a good la-ad. If I didn't think so, I
+wudden't say it until I got me strenth back or cud buy a gun. But did
+Willum J. O'Brien march? Not Willie. He was on horseback; an', Hinnissy,
+if dollars was made out iv Babbit metal, an' horses was worth
+sixty-sivin cints a dhrove, ye cudden't buy a crupper."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "annyhow, I proved me hathred iv capital."</p>
+
+<p>"So ye did," said Mr. Dooley. "So ye did. An' capital this afthernoon
+showed its hatred iv ye. Ye ought to match blisters to see which hates
+th' worst. Capital is at home now with his gams in a tub iv hot wather;
+an' whin he comes down to-morrah to oppriss labor an' square his
+protisted notes, he'll have to go on all fours. As f'r you, Hinnissy, if
+'twill aise ye anny, ye can hang f'r a few minyits fr'm th' gas
+fixtures. Did th' goold Dimmycrats have a p'rade?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Mr. Hennessy. "But they rayviewed th' day procission fr'm th'
+Pammer House. Both iv thim was on th' stand."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_CHARITY" id="ON_CHARITY"></a>ON CHARITY.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Br-r-r!" cried Mr. McKenna, entering stiffly and spreading his hands
+over the potbellied stove. "It's cold."</p>
+
+<p>"Where?" asked Mr. Dooley. "Not here."</p>
+
+<p>"It's cold outside," said Mr. McKenna. "It was ten below at Shannahan's
+grocery when I went by, and the wind blowing like all possessed. Lord
+love us, but I pity them that's got to be out to-night."</p>
+
+<p>"Save ye'er pity," said Mr. Dooley, comfortably. "It ain't cowld in
+here. There's frost on th' window, 'tis thrue for ye; an' th' wheels has
+been singin' th' livelong day. But what's that to us? Here I am, an'
+there ye are, th' stove between us an' th' kettle hummin'. In a minyit
+it'll bile, an' thin I'll give ye a taste iv what'll make a king iv ye.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, tubby sure, 'tis thryin' to be dhrivin' a coal wagon or a
+sthreet-car; but 'tis all in a lifetime. Th' diff'rence between me an'
+th' man that sets up in th' seat thumpin' his chest with his hands is no
+more thin th' diff'rence between him an' th' poor divvle that walks
+along behind th' wagon with his shovel on his shoulder, an' 'll thank
+th' saints f'r th' first chanst to put tin ton iv ha-ard coal into a
+cellar f'r a quarther iv a dollar. Th' lad afoot invies th' dhriver, an'
+th' dhriver invies me; an' I might invy big Cleveland if it wasn't f'r
+th' hivinly smell iv this here noggin. An' who does Cleveland invy?
+Sure, it'd be sacreliege f'r me to say.</p>
+
+<p>"Me ol' father, who was as full iv sayin's as an almanac, used to sink
+his spoon into th' stirabout, an' say, 'Well, lads, this ain't bacon an'
+greens an' porther; but it'll be annything ye like if ye'll on'y think
+iv th' Cassidys.' Th' Cassidys was th' poorest fam'ly in th' parish.
+They waked th' oldest son in small beer, an' was little thought of. Did
+me father iver ask thim in to share th' stirabout? Not him. An' he was
+the kindest man in th' wurruld. He had a heart in him as big as a lump
+iv turf, but he'd say, 'Whin ye grow up, take no wan's sorrows to
+ye'ersilf,' he says. ''Tis th' wise man that goes through life thinkin'
+iv himsilf, fills his own stomach, an' takes away what he can't ate in
+his pocket.' An' he was r-right, Jawn. We have throubles enough iv our
+own. Th' wurruld goes on just th' same, an' ye can find fifty men to say
+th' lit'ny f'r ye to wan that'll give ye what'll relieve a fastin' spit.
+Th' dead ar-re always pop'lar. I knowed a society wanst to vote a
+monyment to a man an' refuse to help his fam'ly, all in wan night. 'Tis
+cowld outside th' dure, ye say, but 'tis war-rum in here; an' I'm
+gettin' in me ol' age to think that the diff'rence between hivin an'
+hell is no broader"&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Dooley's remarks were cut short by a cry from the back room. It was
+unmistakably a baby's cry. Mr. McKenna turned suddenly in amazement as
+Mr. Dooley bolted.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, in the name of the saints, what's all this?" he cried, following
+his friend into the back room. He found the philosopher, with an
+expression of the utmost sternness, sitting on the side of his bed, with
+a little girl of two or three in his arms. The philosopher was
+singing:&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left: 15em;">
+Ar-rah rock-a-bye, babby, on th' three top:<br />
+Whin th' wind blo-ows, th' cradle ull r-rock;<br />
+An', a-whin th' bough breaks, th' cradle ull fa-a-a-ll,<br />
+An' a-down ull come babby, cradle, an' all.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Then he sang:&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left: 15em;">
+In th' town iv Kilkinny there du-wilt a fair ma-aid,<br />
+In th' town iv Kilkinny there du-wilt a fair ma-aid.<br />
+She had cheeks like th' roses, an' hair iv th' same,<br />
+An' a mouth like ripe sthrawburries burrid in crame.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>He rocked the child to and fro, and its crying ceased while he sang:&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p style="margin-left: 18em;">
+Chip, chip, a little horse;<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Chip, chip, again, sir.</span><br />
+How manny miles to Dublin?<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Threescure an' tin, sir.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>The little girl went to sleep on Mr. Dooley's white apron. He lifted her
+tenderly, and carried her over to his bed. Then he tiptoed out with an
+apprehensive face, and whispered: "It's Jawn Donahue's kid that wandherd
+away fr'm home, an' wint to sleep on me dure-step. I sint th' Dorsey boy
+to tell th' mother, but he's a long time gone. Do ye run over, Jawn, an'
+lave thim know."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_NANSEN" id="ON_NANSEN"></a>ON NANSEN.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"I see," said Mr. Dooley, "that Doc Nansen has come back."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Mr. McKenna. "It's a wonder he wouldn't stay till winter. If
+I was setting on an iceberg in latitude umpty-ump north of Evanston
+these days, they couldn't pry me off it with a crowbar. Not they."</p>
+
+<p>"He had to come back," explained Mr. Hennessy. "He got as far as he cud,
+an' thin he was foorced be th' inclimincy iv th' weather to return to
+his home in Feechoold, Norway."</p>
+
+<p>"To where?" Mr. Dooley asked contemptuously.</p>
+
+<p>"To Foocheeld, Norway," said Mr. Hennessy, with some misgivings.</p>
+
+<p>"Ye don't know what ye're talkin' about," retorted the philosopher. "Ye
+ought to go back to school an' study gee-ography. Th' place he come back
+to was Oostoc, Norway, between Coopenhaagen an'&mdash;an' Rogers Park."</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe ye're right," said Mr. Hennessy. "Annyhow, he come back, chased
+be a polar bear. It must iv been a thrillin' experience, leppin' fr'm
+iceberg to iceberg, with a polar bear grabbin' at th' seat iv his pants,
+an' now an' thin a walrus swoopin' down fr'm a three an' munchin' his
+hat."</p>
+
+<p>"What ta-alk have ye?" Mr. Dooley demanded. "A walrus don't fly, foolish
+man!"</p>
+
+<p>"What does he do, thin?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Go 'round on crutches?"</p>
+
+<p>"A walrus," said Mr. Dooley, "is an animal something like a hor-rse, but
+more like a balloon. It doesn't walk, swim, or fly. It rowls whin
+pur-suin' its prey. It whirls 'round an' 'round at a speed akel to a
+railroad injine, meltin' th' ice in a groove behind it. Tame walruses
+are used be th' Eskeemyoos, th' old settlers iv thim parts, as
+lawnmowers an' to press their clothes. Th' wild walrus is a mos' vicious
+animal, which feeds on snowballs through th' day, an' thin goes out iv
+nights afther artic explorers, which for-rms its principal diet. Theyse
+a gr-reat demand among walruses f'r artic explorers, Swedes preferred;
+an' on account iv th' scarcity iv this food it isn't more than wanst in
+twinty years that th' walrus gets a square meal. Thin he devours his
+victim, clothes, collar-buttons, an' all."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, well," said Mr. Hennessy. "I had no idee they was that ferocious.
+I thought they were like bur-rds. Don't they lay eggs?"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't they lay eggs?" Mr. Dooley replied. "Don't they lay eggs? Did ye
+iver hear th' like iv that, Jawn? Why, ye gaby, ye might as well ask me
+does a pianny lay eggs. Iv coorse not."</p>
+
+<p>"I'd like to know what the objict of these here arctic explorations is,"
+interposed Mr. McKenna, in the interests of peace.</p>
+
+<p>"Th' principal objict is to get rid iv an over-supply iv foolish
+people," said Mr. Dooley. "In this counthry, whin a man begins f'r to
+see sthrange things, an' hitch up cockroaches, an' think he's Vanderbilt
+dhrivin' a four-in-hand, we sind him to what me ol' frind Sleepy Burk
+calls th' brain college. But in Norway an' Sweden they sind him to th'
+North Pole, an' feed him to th' polar bears an' th' walruses. A man that
+scorches on a bicycle or wears a pink shirt or is caught thryin' to fry
+out a stick iv dinnymite in a kitchen stove is given a boat an' sint off
+to play with Flora an' Fauna in th' frozen North."</p>
+
+<p>"That's what I'd like to know," said Mr. Hennessy. "Who ar-re these
+Flora an' Fauna? I see be th' pa-aper that Doc Nansen stopped at
+Nootchinchoot Islands, an' saw Flora an' Fauna; an' thin, comin' back on
+th' ice, he encountherd thim again."</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose," said Mr. Dooley, "ye think Flora an' Fauna is two little
+Eskeemy girls at skip-rope an' 'London bridge is fallin' down' on th'
+icebergs an' glaziers. It's a pretty idee ye have iv th' life in thim
+parts. Little Flora an' little Fauna playin' stoop-tag aroun' a whale or
+rushin' th' can f'r their poor tired father just home fr'm th'
+rollin'-mills, where he's been makin' snowballs f'r th' export thrade,
+or engagin' in some other spoort iv childhood! Go wan with ye!"</p>
+
+<p>"But who are they, annyhow?"</p>
+
+<p>"I make it a rule in me life not to discuss anny woman's charac-ter,"
+replied Mr. Dooley, sternly. "If Doc Nansen was off there skylarkin'
+with Flora an' Fauna, it's his own business, an' I make no inquiries. A
+lady's a lady, be she iver so humble; an', as Shakespeare says, cursed
+be th' man that'd raise an ax to her, save in th' way iv a joke. We'll
+talk no scandal in this house, Hinnissy."</p>
+
+<p>But, after his friend had gone, Mr. Dooley leaned over confidentially,
+and whispered to Mr. McKenna, "But who are Flora an' Fauna, Jawn?"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know," said Mr. McKenna.</p>
+
+<p>"It sounds mighty suspicious, annyhow," said the philosopher. "I hope
+th' doc'll be able to square it with his wife."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_A_POPULIST_CONVENTION" id="ON_A_POPULIST_CONVENTION"></a>ON A POPULIST CONVENTION.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Keep ye'er eye on th' Pops, Jawn. They're gr-reat people an' a gr-reat
+pa-arty. What is their principles? Anny ol' thing that th' other
+pa-arties has rijected. Some iv thim is in favor iv coining money out iv
+baled hay an' dhried apples at a ratio iv sixteen to wan, an' some is in
+favor iv coinin' on'y th' apples. Thim are th' inflationists. Others
+want th' gover'mint to divide up the rivinues equally among all la-ads
+that's too sthrong to wurruk. Th' Pops is again th' banks an' again the
+supreme court an again havin' gas that can be blowed out be th' human
+lungs. A sthrong section is devoted to th' principal iv separatin' Mark
+Hanna fr'm his money.</p>
+
+<p>"A ma-an be th' name iv Cassidy, that thravels f'r a liquor-house, was
+in to see me this mornin'; an' he come fr'm Saint Looey. He said it beat
+all he iver see or heerd tell of. Whin th' convintion come to ordher,
+th' chairman says, 'La-ads, we'll open proceedin's be havin' th'
+Hon'rable Rube Spike, fr'm th' imperyal Territ'ry iv Okalahoma, cough up
+his famous song, "Pa-pa Cleveland's Teeth are filled with Goold."' 'Mr.
+Chairman,' says a delegate fr'm New Mexico, risin' an' wavin' his boots
+in th' air, 'if th' skate fr'm Okalahoma is allowed f'r to belch anny in
+this here assimblage, th' diligates fr'm th' imperyal Territ'ry iv New
+Mex-ico'll lave th' hall. We have,' he says, 'in our mist th' Hon'rable
+Lafayette Hadley, whose notes,' he says, 'falls as sweetly on th' ear,'
+he says, 'as th' plunk iv hivin's rain in a bar'l,' he says. 'If annywan
+has a hemorrhage iv anthems in this hall, it'll be Lafe Hadley, th'
+Guthrie batsoon,' he says. 'Ye shall not,' he says, 'press down upon our
+bleedin' brows,' he says, 'this cross iv thorns,' he says. 'Ye shall not
+crucify th' diligates fr'm th' imperyal Territ'ry iv New Mexico on this
+cross iv a Mississippi nigger an' Crow Injun fr'm Okalahoma,' he says.
+Thereupon, says me frind Cassidy, th' New Mexico diligation left th'
+hall, pursued be th' diligation from Okalahoma.</p>
+
+<p>"Th' chairman knowed his business. 'In ordher,' he says, 'that there may
+be no disordher,' he says, 'I will call upon th' imperyal States,' he
+says, 'an Territ'ries,' he says, 'beginnin' with th' imperyal State iv
+Alabama,' he says, 'to each sind wan singer to th' platform,' he says,
+'f'r to wring our hear-rts with melodies,' he says. 'Meantime,' says he,
+'pathrites who have differences iv opinyon on anny questions can
+pro-cure ex-helves be applyin' to th' sergeant-at-arms,' he says. 'Now,'
+he says, 'if th' gintleman fr'm th' imperyal State of Mizzoury'll hand
+me up a cheek full iv his eatin' tobacco,' he says, 'we'll listen to
+Willyum G. Rannycaboo, th' boy melodjun iv th' imperyal State iv
+Alabama,' he says, 'who'll discourse his well-known ballad, 'Th' Supreme
+Court is Full iv Standard Ile,' he says.</p>
+
+<p>"Whin th' singin' had con-cluded, so me frind Cassidy says, th' chair
+announced that speakin' would be in ordher, an' th' convintion rose as
+wan man. Afther ordher had been enforced be th' sergeant-at-arms movin'
+round, an' lammin' diligates with a hoe, a tall man was seen standin' on
+a chair. F'r some moments th' chairman was onable to call his name, but
+he fin'lly found a place to spill; an' in a clear voice he says, 'F'r
+what purpose does th' gintleman fr'm the imperyal State iv Texas arise?'
+'I arise,' says th' ma-an, 'f'r th' purpose iv warnin' this convintion
+that we have a goold-bug in our mist,' he says. Cries iv 'Throw him
+out!' 'Search him!' 'Hang him!' arose. 'In wandhrin' through th' hall, I
+just seen a man with a coat on,' he says. Great excitement ensood, says
+me frind Cassidy; an' th' thremblin' victim was brought down th' aisle.
+'What have ye to say f'r ye'ersilf?' demands th' chairman in thundhrin'
+tones. 'On'y this,' says th' goold-bug. 'I wandhered in here, lookin'
+f'r frinds,' he says. 'I am not a goold-bug,' he says. 'I wear me coat,'
+he says, 'because I have no shirt,' he says. 'Gintlemen,' says th'
+chairman, 'a mistake has been made,' he says. 'This here person, who
+bears th' appearance iv a plutocrat, is all right underneath,' he says.
+'He's a diligate to th' silver convintion,' he says. 'Go in peace,' he
+says.</p>
+
+<p>"Be this time 'twas gr-rowin' late, an' th' convintion adjourned.
+'Befure ye lave,' says th' chairman, 'I have to announce that on account
+iv th' chairman of the comity havin' been imprisoned in a foldin'-bed
+an' th' sicrity havin' mistook th' fire extinguisher f'r a shower bath,
+they'll be no meeting' iv th' comity on rules till to-morrow night.
+Durin' th' interval,' he says, 'th' convintion'll continue
+ketch-as-ketch can,' he says."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Mr. McKenna, "to think of taking this here country out of
+the hands of William C. Whitney and Grover Cleveland and J. Pierpont
+Morgan and Ickleheimer Thalmann, and putting it in the hands of such
+men. What do you think about it?"</p>
+
+<p>"I think," said Mr. Dooley, "that Cassidy lied."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_A_FAMILY_REUNION" id="ON_A_FAMILY_REUNION"></a>ON A FAMILY REUNION.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Why aren't you out attending the reunion of the Dooley family?" Mr.
+McKenna asked the philosopher.</p>
+
+<p>"Thim's no rel-ations to me," Mr. Dooley answered. "Thim's farmer
+Dooleys. No wan iv our fam'ly iver lived in th' counthry. We live in th'
+city, where they burn gas an' have a polis foorce to get on to. We're no
+farmers, divvle th' bit. We belong to th' industhreel classes. Thim must
+be th' Fermanagh Dooleys, a poor lot, Jawn, an' always on good terms
+with th' landlord, bad ciss to thim, says I. We're from Roscommon.
+They'se a Dooley family in Wixford an' wan near Ballybone that belonged
+to th' constabulary. I met him but wanst. 'Twas at an iviction; an',
+though he didn't know me, I inthrajooced mesilf be landin' him back iv
+th' ear with a bouldher th' size iv ye'er two fists together. He didn't
+know me aftherwards, ayether.</p>
+
+<p>"We niver had but wan reunion iv th' Dooley fam'ly, an' that was tin
+years ago. Me cousin Felix's boy Aloysius,&mdash;him that aftherwards wint to
+New York an' got a good job dhrivin' a carredge f'r th' captain iv a
+polis station,&mdash;he was full iv pothry an' things; an' he come around wan
+night, an' says he, 'D'ye know,' he says, ''twud be th' hite iv a good
+thing f'r th' Dooleys to have a reunion,' he says. 'We ought to come
+together,' he says, 'an' show the people iv this ward,' he says, 'how
+sthrong we are,' he says. 'Ye might do it betther, me buck,' says I,
+'shovellin' slag at th' mills,' I says. 'But annyhow, if ye'er mind's
+set on it, go ahead,' I says, 'an' I'll attind to havin' th' polis
+there,' I says, 'f'r I have a dhrag at th' station.'</p>
+
+<p>"Well, he sint out letthers to all th' Roscommon Dooleys; an' on a
+Saturdah night we come together in a rinted hall an' held th' reunion.
+'Twas great sport f'r a while. Some iv us hadn't spoke frindly to each
+other f'r twinty years, an' we set around an' tol' stories iv Roscommon
+an' its green fields, an' th' stirabout pot that was niver filled, an'
+th' blue sky overhead an' th' boggy ground undherfoot. 'Which Dooley was
+it that hamsthrung th' cows?' 'Mike Dooley's Pat.' 'Naw such thing:
+'twas Pat Dooley's Mike. I mane Pat Dooley's Mike's Pat.' F'r 'tis with
+us as with th' rest iv our people. Ye take th' Dutchman: he has as manny
+names to give to his childher as they'se nails in his boots, but an
+Irishman has th' pick iv on'y a few. I knowed a man be th' name iv
+Clancy,&mdash;a man fr'm Kildare. He had fifteen childher; an', whin th' las'
+come, he says, 'Dooley, d'ye happen to know anny saints?' 'None iv thim
+thrades here,' says I. 'Why?' says I. 'They'se a new kid at th' house,'
+he says; 'an', be me troth, I've run out iv all th' saints I knew, an',
+if somewan don't come to me assistance, I'll have to turn th' child out
+on th' wurruld without th' rag iv a name to his back,' he says.</p>
+
+<p>"But I was tellin' ye about th' reunion. They was lashins iv dhrink an'
+story-tellin', an' Felix's boy Aloysius histed a banner he had made
+with 'Dooley aboo' painted on it. But, afther th' night got along, some
+iv us begun to raymimber that most iv us hadn't been frinds f'r long.
+Mrs. Morgan Dooley, she that was Molly Dooley befure she married Morgan,
+she turns to me, an' says she, ''Tis sthrange they let in that Hogan
+woman,' she says,&mdash;that Hogan woman, Jawn, bein' th' wife iv her
+husband's brother. She heerd her say it, an' she says, 'I'd have ye to
+undherstand that no wan iver come out iv Roscommon that cud hold up
+their heads with th' Hogans,' she says. ''Tis not f'r th' likes iv ye to
+slandher a fam'ly that's iv th' landed gintry iv Ireland, an' f'r two
+pins I'd hit ye a poke in th' eye,' she says. If it hadn't been f'r me
+bein' between thim, they'd have been trouble; f'r they was good frinds
+wanst. What is it th' good book says about a woman scorned? Faith, I've
+forgotten.</p>
+
+<p>"Thin me uncle Mike come in, as rough a man as iver laid hands on a
+polisman. Felix Dooley was makin' a speech on th' vartues iv th'
+fam'ly. 'Th' Dooleys,' says he, 'can stand before all th' wurruld, an'
+no man can say ought agin ayether their honor or their integrity,' says
+he. 'Th' man that's throwin' that at ye,' says me uncle Mike, 'stole a
+saw fr'm me in th' year sivinty-five.' Felix paid no attintion to me
+uncle Mike, but wint on, 'We point proudly to th' motto, "Dooley
+aboo&mdash;Dooley f'river."' 'Th' saw aboo,' says me uncle Mike. 'Th'
+Dooleys,' says Felix, 'stood beside Red Hugh O'Neill; an', whin he cut
+aff his hand,&mdash;' 'He didn't cut it off with anny wan else's saw,' says
+me uncle Mike. 'They'se an old sayin',' wint on Felix. 'An' ol' saw,'
+says me uncle Mike. 'But 'twas new whin ye stole it.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Now look here,' says Aloysius, 'this thing has gone far enough. 'Tis
+an outrage that this here man shud come here f'r to insult th' head iv
+th' fam'ly.' 'Th' head iv what fam'ly?' says Morgan Dooley, jumpin' up
+as hot as fire. 'I'm th' head iv th' fam'ly,' he says, 'be right iv
+histhry.' 'Ye're an ol' cow,' says me uncle Mike. 'Th' back iv me hand
+an' th' sowl iv me fut to all iv ye,' he says. 'I quit ye,' he says.
+'Ye're all livin' here undher assumed names'; an' he wint out, followed
+be Morgan Dooley with a chair in each hand.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, they wasn't two Dooleys in th' hall'd speak whin th' meetin'
+broke up; an' th' Lord knows, but I don't to this day, who's th' head iv
+th' Dooley fam'ly. All I know is that I had wan th' nex' mornin'."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_A_FAMOUS_WEDDING" id="ON_A_FAMOUS_WEDDING"></a>ON A FAMOUS WEDDING.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Ye see, Jawn," he said "'twas this way: The Jook iv Marlburrow is a
+young lad an' poor. Ye can't think of a jook bein' poor, but 'tis a fact
+that they'se many a wan iv thim that's carryin' th' banner at this
+minyit. Hinnissy, if he had his rights, is Jook iv Munster; an' ye know
+what he's got. The Jook iv Marlburrow, whin he come out iv th' academy
+where they had him, he hadn't a cint to his name. Ne'er a wan.</p>
+
+<p>"They ain't manny jobs f'r a young jook. Th' thrade is limited; an' this
+here la-ad wint round night an' day lookin' f'r a sign, 'Wanted, a young
+jook, r-ready an' willin' to do light family jookin',' an' no sign did
+he see. He was in a bad way; f'r the la-ad's father was dead, th' ol'
+jook. He was a fine bucko. He had a divorce fr'm his wife, an' marrid
+another; an', whin he died, she marrid somewan else an' took the
+roly-boly with her. This was ha-ard on th' lad.</p>
+
+<p>"But he come iv a noble race, an' wan that had reed burruds whin their
+betthers had snowballs. Did ye iver read histhry, Jawn? Ye ought to.
+'Tis betther thin th' Polis Gazette, an' near as thrue. Well, Jawn, this
+here young man come fr'm a gr-eat gin'ral, a fine-lookin' la-ad that had
+manny a mash in his day, an' niver lost money be wan iv thim. Ye'll find
+all about him in Casey's 'Histhry iv English Misrule in Ireland: Th'
+Story iv a Crime.' 'Tis good readin'.</p>
+
+<p>"Th' la-ad's father marrid a rich woman. So did his uncle. So ye see he
+was a natural bor-rn fi-nanceer. An' he begun to luk around him f'r what
+th' pa-apers calls a 'financee.'</p>
+
+<p>"He didn't have far to go. I dinnaw how he done it, whether th'
+Ganderbilks asked him 'r he asked th' Ganderbilks. Annyhow, 'twas
+arranged. 'Twas horse an' horse between thim. Th' Ganderbilks had money,
+an' he was a jook. They was wan divorce on each side. So they imported
+him over, what they call assisted immygration. He didn't come undher
+th' head iv skilled workman. They must've classed him as a domestic
+servant. Th' first thing he done was to get himsilf arristed. A man be
+th' name iv Sweeney,&mdash;there are some good Sweeneys, though it's a name I
+don't like on account iv wan iv thim stealin' me fa-ather's
+grin'stone,&mdash;a man be th' name iv Sweeney, a polisman, r-run him in f'r
+disordherly conduct. They got him out with a pull. Thin he sint f'r
+lawyers an' f'r his financee's father, an' they settled down to talk
+business. 'Well,' says Ganderbilk, 'how much d'ye want?' he says. 'I'll
+give ye a millyon.' 'Goowan,' says th' jook, 'I cud get that much
+marryin' somewan I knew.' 'Thin how much d'ye want?' says Ganderbilk.
+'Well,' says th' jook, th' castle has to be put in repair. Th' plumbin'
+is all gone to th' divvle, an' they'll have to be a new catch-basin put
+in,' he says. 'Thin they'se calciminin' an' paper-hangin',&mdash;well, call
+it tin millyons.' 'But what do I get out iv it?' says Ganderbilk. 'Have
+ye a ticket to th' church to see me marrid?' says th' jook. 'No,' says
+his pappa-in-law. 'Well, here's a couple,' says th' jook. 'Bring wan iv
+ye'er frinds with ye.' So Ganderbilk he coughed.</p>
+
+<p>"They say th' jook was that poor he had to have his coat made out iv what
+was left over fr'm his pants, they do so. But he was at th' church
+bright an' early; an' Ganderbilk he was there, too, standin' out on th'
+steps in th' cold, combin' his whiskers&mdash;he wears a pair iv
+sluggers&mdash;with his fingers. Afther awhile his daughter, the jook's
+financee, come along; an', seein' the jook, says she, 'Pappa,' she says,
+'inthrojooce me to ye'er frind.' 'Jook,' says Ganderbilk, 'shake hands
+with me daughther. She's your's,' he says. An' so they were marrid.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Jawn," said Mr. Dooley, becoming serious, "'tis a dhroll wurruld,
+an' I suppose we've got to take th' jooks an' th' Ganderbilks with the
+r-rest. I'm goin' to a weddin' mesilf nex' week. Th' banns has been
+called between little Dalia Hogan an' big Tom Moran. They've been
+engaged f'r three year, her wurrkin' in a box facthry an' him doin'
+overtime at th' blast. They've money enough to start, an' it'll not cost
+ol' ma-an Hogan a cint. But, whin he spoke about it las' night, he cried
+as if his heart'd break."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_A_QUARREL_BETWEEN_ENGLAND_AND_GERMANY" id="ON_A_QUARREL_BETWEEN_ENGLAND_AND_GERMANY"></a>ON A QUARREL BETWEEN ENGLAND AND GERMANY.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Mr. McKenna was aware that a gentle feud had existed between Mr. Dooley
+and Mr. Schwartzmeister, the German saloon-keeper down Archey Road, for
+some years. It was based upon racial differences, but had been accented
+when Mr. Schwartzmeister put in a pool table. Of course there was no
+outburst. When the two met on the street, Mr. Dooley saluted his
+neighbor cordially, in these terms: "Good-nobben, Hair Schwartzmeister,
+an' vas magst too yet, me brave bucko!" To which Mr. Schwartzmeister
+invariably retorted: "Py chapers, Tooley, where you haf been all der
+time, py chapers?" But this was mere etiquette. In the publicity of
+their own taverns they entertained no great regard for each other. Mr.
+Schwartzmeister said a friend of his had been poisoned by Mr. Dooley's
+beer, and Mr. Dooley confessed that he would rather go to a harness-shop
+for whiskey than to Mr. Schwartzmeister's. Consequently, Mr. McKenna
+was amazed to learn that Mr. Schwartzmeister had been entertained by the
+philosopher, and that they had paraded Archey Road arm-in-arm at a late
+hour.</p>
+
+<p>"Tubby sure he was," said Mr. Dooley. "Tubby sure he was. Right where
+ye're standin' at this moment, me dhrinkin' beer an' him callin' f'r hot
+Irish. 'Make it hot,' he says. 'Make it hot, me frind; an' we'll make it
+hot f'r th' British between us,' says Schwartzmeister.</p>
+
+<p>"It come about this way: Ye see Willum Joyce come in, an' says he,
+'We've got thim.' 'Sure,' says I. 'We've the comityman, haven't we?'
+'Th' Dutch is with us,' he says. 'I mane the Germans is our frinds.'
+'Ye're goin' too far there,' says I. 'Stuckart was again Reed las'
+spring.' 'No, no,' says Willum Joyce, he says. 'Th' Germans is up in
+ar-rms again th' Sassenach,' he says. 'Mind ye,' he says, 'mind ye,' he
+says, ''tis our jooty to be frindly with th' Germans,' he says. 'I'm
+now on me way f'r to organize a camp iv me Dutch frinds down be th'
+slough,' he says. An' off he goes.</p>
+
+<p>"'Twas not long afther whin I heerd a man singin' 'Th' Wearin' iv th'
+Green' down th' sthreet, an' in come Schwartzmeister. 'Faugh a ballagh,'
+says he, meanin' to be polite. 'Lieb vaterland,' says I. An' we had a
+dhrink together.</p>
+
+<p>"'Vell,' says he (ye know th' murdhrin' way he has iv speakin'), 'here
+we are,' he says, 'frinds at las'.' 'Thrue f'r ye,' says I. 'Tooley,' he
+says, f'r he calls me that, 'we're wan to-night, alretty,' he says. 'We
+are that,' says I. 'But, glory be, who iver thought th' Irish'd live to
+see th' day whin they'd be freed be th' Dutch? Schwartz, me lieber
+frind,' I says, 'here's a health to th' imp'ror, hock,' says I.
+'Slanthu,' says he; an' we had wan.</p>
+
+<p>"''Twud be a great combination,' says I, 'We'd carry th' wa-ard be th'
+biggest majority iver heerd iv,' I says. 'We wud so,' says he. 'I'd be
+aldherman.' 'Afther me,' says I. ''Tis my turn first,' I says. 'I don't
+know about that,' says he. 'Now,' says I, 'look here, Schwartzmeister,'
+I says. 'This here arrangement between Germany an' Ireland has got to be
+brought down to th' Sixth Wa-ard,' I says. 'Do ye f'rgive th' way we
+done ye in th' beer rites?' I says. 'I do,' says he. 'They was befure me
+time.' 'Well,' says I, 'are ye sure ye can get over th' whalin' ye got
+whin th' Sarsfield Fife an' Dhrum Corpse met th' Frederick Willum Picnic
+Band?' I says. 'I do,' says he. 'An' ye have no har-rd feelin' about th'
+way th' bridges has been give out?' 'Not a thrace,' says he. 'Well,'
+says I, 'Schwartz,' I says, 'they'se wan thing more,' I says. 'We're
+both pathrites,' I says. 'We have a common cause,' I says. 'Ye're a
+Dutchman, an' I'm iv' th' other sort,' I says. 'But we're both again th'
+Sassenach,' I says. 'An' in th' inthrests iv th' freedom iv Ireland,' I
+says, 'I f'rgive ye th' pool table.'</p>
+
+<p>"Well, sir, Jawn, he wept like a child. 'Tooley,' he says, 'we'll march
+side be side,' he says. 'Both iv us in th' front rank,' he says.
+'Aldherman Tooley an' Aldherman Schwartzmeister, to free Ireland,' he
+says. 'But where does Germany come in?' he says. 'Germany!' says I,
+'Germany! Well, we'll take care iv Germany, all right. We'll let Germans
+into th' prim'ries,' I says. An' there an' thin we formed th'
+Sarsfield-an'-Gatty camp. Gatty is a German frind iv Schwartzmeister. We
+shook dice to see which name'd come first. Ireland won. They was my
+dice.</p>
+
+<p>"I learned Schwartzmeister th' Shan-van-Voght before we was through; an'
+I've got th' German naytional chune be heart,&mdash;'Ich vice nit wauss allus
+bay doitan'. What'll ye have to drink, Jawn?"</p>
+
+<p>And, as Mr. McKenna went out, he heard his friend muttering: "Freed be
+th' Dutch! Freed be the Dutch! An' we niver give thim so much as a
+dillygate."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_ORATORY_IN_POLITICS" id="ON_ORATORY_IN_POLITICS"></a>ON ORATORY IN POLITICS.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"I mind th' first time Willum J. O'Brien r-run f'r office, th'
+Raypublicans an' th' Indypindants an' th' Socialists an' th'
+Prohybitionist (he's dead now, his name was Larkin) nommynated a young
+man be th' name iv Dorgan that was in th' law business in Halsted
+Sthreet, near Cologne, to r-run again' him. Smith O'Brien Dorgan was his
+name, an' he was wan iv th' most iloquint young la-ads that iver made a
+speakin' thrumpet iv his face. He cud holler like th' impire iv a
+base-ball game; an', whin he delivered th' sintimints iv his hear-rt,
+ye'd think he was thryin' to confide thim to a man on top iv a high
+buildin'. He was prisidint iv th' lithry club at th' church; an' Father
+Kelly tol' me that, th' day afther he won th' debate on th' pen an' th'
+soord in favor iv th' pen, they had to hire a carpenter to mend th'
+windows, they'd sagged so. They called him th' boy or-rator iv Healey's
+slough.</p>
+
+<p>"He planned th' campaign himsilf. 'I'll not re-sort,' says he, 'to th'
+ordin'ry methods,' he says. 'Th' thing to do,' he says, 'is to prisint
+th' issues iv th' day to th' voters,' he says. 'I'll burn up ivry
+precin't in th' ward with me iloquince,' he says. An' he bought a long
+black coat, an' wint out to spread th' light.</p>
+
+<p>"He talked ivrywhere. Th' people jammed Finucane's Hall, an' he tol'
+thim th' time had come f'r th' masses to r-rise. 'Raymimber,' says he,
+'th' idees iv Novimb'r,' he says. 'Raymimber Demosthens an' Cicero an'
+Oak Park,' he says. 'Raymimber th' thraditions iv ye'er fathers, iv
+Washin'ton an' Jefferson an' Andhrew Jackson an' John L. Sullivan,' he
+says. 'Ye shall not, Billy O'Brien,' he says, 'crucify th' voters iv th'
+Sixth Ward on th' double cross,' he says. He spoke to a meetin' in
+Deerin' Sthreet in th' same wurads. He had th' sthreet-car stopped while
+he coughed up ree-marks about th' Constitution, until th' bar-rn boss
+sint down an' threatened to discharge Mike Dwyer that was dhrivin' wan
+hundherd an' eight in thim days, though thransferred to Wintworth Avnoo
+later on. He made speeches to polismin in th' squadroom an' to good
+la-ads hoistin' mud out iv th' dhraw at th' red bridge. People'd be
+settin' quite in th' back room playin' forty-fives whin Smith O'Brien
+Dorgan'd burst in, an' addhress thim on th' issues iv th' day.</p>
+
+<p>"Now all this time Bill O'Brien was campaignin' in his own way. He niver
+med wan speech. No wan knew whether he was f'r a tariff or again wan, or
+whether he sthud be Jefferson or was knockin' him, or whether he had th'
+inthrests iv th' toilin' masses at hear-rt or whether he wint to mass at
+all, at all. But he got th' superintindint iv th' rollin'-mills with
+him; an' he put three or four good faml'ies to wurruk in th' gas-house,
+where he knew th' main guy, an' he made reg'lar calls on th' bar-rn boss
+iv th' sthreet-ca-ars. He wint to th' picnics, an' hired th' orchesthry
+f'r th' dances, an' voted himsilf th' most pop'lar man at th' church
+fair at an expinse iv at laste five hundherd dollars. No wan that come
+near him wanted f'r money. He had headquarthers in ivry saloon fr'm wan
+end iv th' ward to th' other. All th' pa-apers printed his pitcher, an'
+sthud by him as th' frihd iv th' poor.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, people liked to hear Dorgan at first, but afther a few months
+they got onaisy. He had a way iv breakin' into festive gatherin's that
+was enough to thry a saint. He delayed wan prize fight two hours,
+encouragin' th' voters prisint to stand be their principles, while th'
+principles sat shiverin' in their cor-rners until th' polis r-run him
+out. It got so that men'd bound into alleys whin he come up th' sthreet.
+People in th' liquor business rayfused to let him come into their
+places. His fam'ly et in th' coal-shed f'r fear iv his speeches at
+supper. He wint on talkin', and Willum J. O'Brien wint on handin' out
+th' dough that he got fr'm th' gas company an' con-ciliatin' th' masses;
+an', whin iliction day come, th' judges an' clerks was all f'r O'Brien,
+an' Dorgan didn't get votes enough to wad a gun. He sat up near all
+night in his long coat, makin' speeches to himsilf; but tord mornin' he
+come over to my place where O'Brien sat with his la-ads. 'Well,' says
+O'Brien, 'how does it suit ye?' he says. 'It's sthrange,' says Dorgan.
+'Not sthrange at all,' says Willum J. O'Brien. 'Whin ye've been in
+politics as long as I have, ye'll know,' he says, 'that th' roly-boly is
+th' gr-reatest or-rator on earth,' he says. 'Th' American nation in th'
+Sixth Ward is a fine people,' he says. 'They love th' eagle,' he says,
+'on th' back iv a dollar,' he says. 'Well,' says Dorgan, 'I can't
+undherstand it,' he says. 'I med as manny as three thousan' speeches,'
+he says. 'Well,' says Willum J. O'Brien, 'that was my majority,' he
+says. 'Have a dhrink,' he says."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_CHRISTMAS_GIFTS" id="ON_CHRISTMAS_GIFTS"></a>ON CHRISTMAS GIFTS.</h2>
+
+
+<p>The approach of Christmas is heralded in Archey Road by many of the
+signs that are known to the less civilized and more prosperous parts of
+the city. The people look poorer, colder, and more hopeful than at other
+times. The bakeries assume an old country appearance of gayety. The
+saloons are well filled. Also, if you have your eyes about you, you may
+catch a glimpse, now and then, through a frosted window-pane of a
+stunted Christmas tree, laden slenderly with glass balls and ropes of
+red popcorn, the work of painful hands after the childher are abed. Mr.
+Dooley knew Christmas was coming by the calendar, the expiration of his
+quarterly license, and Mr. Hennessy coming in with a doll in his pocket
+and a rocking-chair under his arm.</p>
+
+<p>"Prisints?" said the philosopher.</p>
+
+<p>"Yis," said Mr. Hennessy. "I had to do it. I med up me mind this year
+that I wudden't buy anny Chris'mas prisints or take anny. I can't
+afford it. Times has been fearful ha-ard, an' a look iv pain comes over
+th' ol' woman's face whin I hold out fifty cints fr'm me salary on
+Saturdah night. I give it out that I didn't want annything, but they'se
+so much scurryin' ar-round an' hidin' things whin I go in that I know
+they've got something f'r me. I cudden't stand it no longer, so I wint
+down town to-night, down be Shekel an' Whooper's place, an' bought these
+things. This is a fine doll f'r th' money."</p>
+
+<p>"It is," said Mr. Dooley, taking the doll and examining it with the eye
+of an art critic. "It closes its eyes,&mdash;yis, an', bedad, it cries if ye
+punch it. They're makin' these things more like human bein's ivry year.
+An' does it say pap-pah an' mam-mah, I dinnaw?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Mr. Hennessy, "th' pap-pah an' mam-mah dolls costs too much."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," continued Mr. Dooley, "we can't have ivrything we want in this
+wurruld. If I had me way, I'd buy goold watches an' chains f'r ivrybody
+in th' r-road, an' a few iv th' good Germans. I feel that gin'rous. But
+'tis no use. Ye can't give what ye want. Ivry little boy ixpects a pony
+at Chris'mas, an' ivry little girl a chain an' locket; an' ivry man
+thinks he's sure goin' to get th' goold-headed cane he's longed f'r
+since he come over. But they all fin'lly land on rockin'-horses an'
+dolls, an' suspindhers that r-run pink flowers into their shirts an'
+tattoo thim in summer. An' they conceal their grief Chris'mas mornin'
+an' thry to look pleasant with murdher in their hearts.</p>
+
+<p>"Some wan has always give me a Chris'mas prisint, though no wan has anny
+r-right to. But no wan iver give me annything I cud wear or ate or
+dhrink or smoke or curl me hair with. I've had flasks iv whisky give
+me,&mdash;me that have lashin's iv whisky at me elbow day an' night; an',
+whin I opined thim, blue an' yellow flames come out an' some iv th'
+stuff r-run over on th' flure, an' set fire to th' buildin'. I smoke th'
+best five-cint see-gar that money can buy; yet, whin a good frind iv
+mine wants to make me a prisint f'r Christmas, he goes to a harness shop
+an' buys a box iv see-gars with excelsior fillin's an' burlap wrappers,
+an', if I smoked wan an' lived, I'd be arristed f'r arson. I got a pair
+iv suspinders wanst fr'm a lady,&mdash;niver mind her name,&mdash;an' I wurruked
+hard that day; an' th' decorations moved back into me, an' I had to take
+thim out with pumice stone. I didn't lose th' taste iv th' paint f'r
+weeks an' weeks.</p>
+
+<p>"Wan year I wanted a watch more thin annything in th' wurruld. I talked
+watches to ivry wan that I thought had designs on me. I made it a pint
+to ask me frinds what time iv night it was, an' thin say, 'Dear me, I
+ought to get a watch if I cud affoord it.' I used to tout people down to
+th' jooler's shop, an' stand be th' window with a hungry look in th'
+eyes iv me, as much as to say, 'If I don't get a watch, I'll perish.' I
+talked watches an' thought watches an' dhreamed watches. Father Kelly
+rebuked me f'r bein' late f'r mass. 'How can I get there befure th'
+gospil, whin I don't know what time it is?' says I. 'Why don't ye luk at
+ye'er watch?' he says. 'I haven't none,' says I. Did he give me a watch?
+Faith, he did not. He sint me a box iv soap that made me smell like a
+coon goin' to a ball in a State Sthreet ca-ar. I got a necktie fr'm wan
+man; an', if I wore it to a meetin' iv th' Young Hebrews' Char'table
+Society, they'd've thrun me out. That man wanted me to be kilt. Another
+la-ad sint me a silk handkerchief that broke on me poor nose. Th'
+nearest I got to a watch was a hair chain that unravelled, an' made me
+look as if I'd been curryin' a Shetland pony. I niver got what I wanted,
+an I niver expect to. No wan does."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll get ye what ye want," said Mr. Hennessy, "if ye'll tell me what it
+is, an' it don't cost too much."</p>
+
+<p>"Will ye?" said Mr. Dooley, eagerly.</p>
+
+<p>"I will," said Mr. Hennessy, "if 'tis within me means."</p>
+
+<p>"Ye're jokin'," said Mr. Dooley.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm not. I mane it."</p>
+
+<p>"Do ye, honest?"</p>
+
+<p>"I do so."</p>
+
+<p>"Thin," said Mr. Dooley, "get me th' Audjitooroom. I've wanted that to
+play with f'r manny years."</p>
+
+<p>And Mr. Hennessy went away with the rocking-chair under his arm, the
+doll in his pocket, and dumb anger in his heart.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_ANARCHISTS" id="ON_ANARCHISTS"></a>ON ANARCHISTS.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"'Tis ha-ard bein' a king these days," said Mr. Dooley. "Manny's th' man
+on a throne wishes his father'd brought him up a cooper, what with wages
+bein' docked be parlymints an' ragin' arnychists r-runnin' wild with
+dinnymite bombs undher their ar-rms an' carvin'-knives in their pockets.</p>
+
+<p>"Onaisy, as Hogan says, is th' head that wears a crown. They'se other
+heads that're onaisy, too; but ye don't hear iv thim. But a man gr-rows
+up in wan iv thim furrin counthries, an' he's thrained f'r to be a king.
+Hivin may've intinded him f'r a dooce or a jack, at th' most; but he has
+to follow th' same line as his father. 'Tis like pawn-brokin' that way.
+Ye niver heerd iv a pawnbroker's son doin' annything else. Wanst a king,
+always a king. Other men's sons may pack away a shirt in a thrunk, an'
+go out into th' wurruld, brakin' on a freight or ladin' Indyanny bankers
+up to a shell game. But a man that's headed f'r a throne can't r-run
+away. He's got to take th' job. If he kicks, they blindfold him an' back
+him in. He can't ask f'r his time at th' end iv th' week, an' lave. He
+pays himsilf. He can't sthrike, because he'd have to ordher out th'
+polis to subjoo himsilf. He can't go to th' boss, an' say: 'Me hours is
+too long an' th' wurruk is tajious. Give me me pay-check.' He has no
+boss. A man can't be indipindint onless he has a boss. 'Tis thrue. So he
+takes th' place, an' th' chances ar-re he's th' biggest omadhon in th'
+wurruld, an' knows no more about r-runnin' a counthry thin I know about
+ladin' an orchesthry. An', if he don't do annything, he's a dummy, an',
+if he does do annything, he's crazy; an' whin he dies, his foreman
+says: 'Sure, 'tis th' divvle's own time I had savin' that bosthoon fr'm
+desthroyin' himsilf. If it wasn't f'r me, th' poor thing'd have closed
+down the wurruks, an' gone to th' far-rm long ago.' An' wan day, whin
+he's takin' th' air, p'raps, along comes an Eyetalyan, an' says he,
+'Ar-re ye a king?' 'That's my name,' says his majesty. 'Betther dead,'
+says th' Eyetalyan; an' they'se a scramble, an' another king goes over
+th' long r-road.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know much about arnychists. We had thim here&mdash;wanst. They wint
+again polismen, mostly. Mebbe that's because polismen's th' nearest
+things to kings they cud find. But, annyhow, I sometimes think I know
+why they're arnychists somewhere, an' why they ain't in other places. It
+minds me iv what happened wanst in me cousin Terence's fam'ly. They was
+livin' down near Healey's slough in wan iv thim ol' Doherty's
+houses,&mdash;not Doherty that ye know, th' j'iner, a good man whin he don't
+dhrink. No, 'twas an ol' grouch iv a man be th' name iv Malachi Doherty
+that used to keep five-day notices in his thrunk, an' ownded his own
+privit justice iv th' peace. Me cousin Terence was as dacint a man as
+iver shoed a hor-rse; an his wife was a good woman, too, though I niver
+took much to th' Dolans. Fr'm Tipperary, they was, an' too handy
+throwin' things at ye. An' he had a nice fam'ly growin' up, an' I niver
+knowed people that lived together more quite an' amyable. 'Twas good f'r
+to see thim settin' ar-roun' th' parlor,&mdash;Terence spellin' out th'
+newspaper, an' his good woman mendin' socks, an' Honoria playin' th'
+'Vale iv Avoca' on th' pianny, an' th' kids r-rowlin' on th' flure.</p>
+
+<p>"But wan day it happened that that whole fam'ly begun to rasp on wan
+another. Honoria'd set down at th' pianny, an' th' ol' man'd growl: 'F'r
+th' love iv th' saints, close down that hurdy-gurdy, an' lave a man
+injye his headache!' An' th' good woman scolded Terence, an' th' kids
+pulled th' leg fr'm undher th' stove; an', whin th' big boy Mike come
+home fr'm Omaha, he found none iv thim speakin' to th' others. He cud do
+nawthin', an' he wint f'r Father Kelly. Father Kelly sniffed th' air
+whin he come in; an' says he, 'Terence, what's th' matther with ye'er
+catch basin?' 'I dinnaw,' growled Terence. 'Well,' says Father Kelly,
+'ye put on ye'er hat this minyit, an' go out f'r a plumber,' he says.
+'I'm not needed here,' he says. 'Ye'er sowls ar-re all r-right,' he
+says; 'but ye'er systems ar-re out iv ordher,' he says. 'Fetch in a
+plumber,' he says, 'whilst I goes down to Doherty, an' make him think
+his lease on th' hereafther is defective,' he says."</p>
+
+<p>"Ye're right," said Mr. Hennessy, who had followed the argument dimly.</p>
+
+<p>"Iv coorse I'm right," said Mr. Dooley. "What they need over there in
+furrin' counthries is not a priest, but a plumber. 'Tis no good prayin'
+again arnychists, Hinnissy. Arnychists is sewer gas."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_THE_DREYFUS_CASE" id="ON_THE_DREYFUS_CASE"></a>ON THE DREYFUS CASE.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"I see be th' pa-apers," said Mr. Dooley, "that Col. Hinnery, th' man
+that sint me frind Cap. Dhry-fuss to th' cage, has moved on. I suppose
+they'll give th' Cap a new thrile now."</p>
+
+<p>"I hope they won't," said Mr. Hennessy. "I don't know annything about
+it, but I think he's guilty. He's a Jew."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "ye'er thoughts on this subject is inthrestin',
+but not conclusive, as Dorsey said to th' Pollack that thought he cud
+lick him. Ye have a r-right to ye'er opinyon, an' ye'll hold it annyhow,
+whether ye have a r-right to it or not. Like most iv ye'er
+fellow-citizens, ye start impartial. Ye don't know annything about th'
+case. If ye knew annything, ye'd not have an opinyon wan way or th'
+other. They'se niver been a matther come up in my time that th' American
+people was so sure about as they ar-re about th' Dhryfliss case. Th'
+Frinch ar-re not so sure, but they'se not a polisman in this counthry
+that can't tell ye jus' where Dhry-russ was whin th' remains iv th' poor
+girl was found. That's because th' thrile was secret. If 'twas an open
+thrile, an' ye heerd th' tistimony, an' knew th' language, an' saw th'
+safe afther 'twas blown open, ye'd be puzzled, an' not care a rush
+whether Dhry-fuss was naked in a cage or takin' tay with his uncle at
+th' Benny Brith Club.</p>
+
+<p>"I haven't made up me mind whether th' Cap done th' shootin' or not. He
+was certainly in th' neighborhood whin th' fire started, an' th' polis
+dug up quite a lot iv lead pipe in his back yard. But it's wan thing to
+sus-pect a man iv doin' a job an' another thing to prove that he didn't.
+Me frind Zola thinks he's innocint, an' he raised th' divvle at th'
+thrile. Whin th' judge come up on th' bench an' opined th' coort, Zola
+was settin' down below with th' lawyers. 'Let us pro-ceed,' says th'
+impartial an' fair-minded judge, 'to th' thrile iv th' haynious monsther
+Cap Dhry-fuss,' he says. Up jumps Zola, an' says he in Frinch:
+'Jackuse,' he says, which is a hell of a mane thing to say to anny man.
+An' they thrun him out. 'Judge,' says th' attorney f'r th' difinse, 'an'
+gintlemen iv th' jury,' he says. 'Ye're a liar,' says th' judge. 'Cap,
+ye're guilty, an' ye know it,' he says. 'Th' decision iv th' coort is
+that ye be put in a cage, an' sint to th' Divvle's own island f'r th'
+r-rest iv ye'er life,' he says. 'Let us pro-ceed to hearin' th'
+tistimony,' he says. 'Call all th' witnesses at wanst,' he says, 'an'
+lave thim have it out on th' flure,' he says. Be this time Zola has come
+back; an' he jumps up, an', says he, 'Jackuse,' he says. An' they thrun
+him out.</p>
+
+<p>"'Befure we go anny farther,' says th' lawyer f'r th' difinse, 'I wish
+to sarve notice that, whin this thrile is over, I intind,' he says, 'to
+wait outside,' he says, 'an' hammer th' hon'rable coort into an omelet,'
+he says. 'With these few remarks I will close,' he says. 'Th' coort,'
+says th' judge, 'is always r-ready to defind th' honor iv France,' he
+says; 'an', if th' larned counsel will con-sint,' he says, 'to step up
+here f'r a minyit,' he says, 'th' coort'll put a sthrangle hold on him
+that'll not do him a bit iv good,' he says. 'Ah!' he says. 'Here's me
+ol' frind Pat th' Clam,' he says. 'Pat, what d'ye know about this case?'
+he says. 'None iv ye'er business,' says Pat. 'Answered like a man an' a
+sojer,' says th' coort. 'Jackuse,' says Zola fr'm th' dureway. An' they
+thrun him out. 'Call Col. Hinnery,' says th' coort. 'He ray-fuses to
+answer.' 'Good. Th' case is clear. Cap forged th' will. Th' coort will
+now adjourn f'r dools, an' all ladin' officers iv th' ar-rmy not in
+disgrace already will assimble in jail, an' com-mit suicide,' he says.
+'Jackuse,' says Zola, an' started f'r th' woods, pursued be his
+fellow-editors. He's off somewhere in a three now hollerin' 'Jackuse' at
+ivry wan that passes, sufferin' martyrdom f'r his counthry an' writin'
+now an' thin about it all.</p>
+
+<p>"That's all I know about Cap Dhry-fuss' case, an' that's all anny man
+knows. Ye didn't know as much, Hinnissy, till I told ye. I don't know
+whether Cap stole th' dog or not."</p>
+
+<p>"What's he charged with?" Mr. Hennessy asked, in bewilderment.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll niver tell ye," said Mr. Dooley. "It's too much to ask."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, annyhow," said Mr. Hennessy, "he's guilty, ye can bet on that."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_THE_DECADENCE_OF_GREECE" id="ON_THE_DECADENCE_OF_GREECE"></a>ON THE DECADENCE OF GREECE.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"That young Hogan is a smart la-ad," said Mr. Dooley. "A smart la-ad an'
+a good wan, too."</p>
+
+<p>"None betther," said Mr. Hennessy.</p>
+
+<p>"None betther in th' ward," said Mr. Dooley, which was a high
+appreciation. "But there ar-re things about human nature an' histhry
+that ain't taught at Saint Ignateeus'. I tell thim to Hogan's la-ad.</p>
+
+<p>"He was walkin' be th' store wan day las' week, an' I ast him how th'
+wa-ar wint. 'Tis sthrange, with churches two in a block, an' public
+schools as thick as lamp-posts, that, whin a man stops ye on th'
+sthreet, he'll ayether ast ye th' scoor iv th' base-ball game or talk iv
+th' Greek war with ye. I ain't seen annything that happened since
+Parnell's day that's aroused so much enthusyasm on th' Ar-rchey Road as
+th' Greek war. 'How goes th' war?' says I to young Hogan, 'How goes the
+war between th' ac-cursed infidel an' th' dog iv a Christian?' I says.
+'It goes bad,' he says. 'Th' Greeks won a thremenjous battle, killin'
+manny millions iv th' Moslem murdherers, but was obliged to retreat
+thirty-two miles in a gallop.' 'Is that so?' says I. 'Sure that seems to
+be their luck,' I says. 'Whin-iver they win, they lose; an', whin they
+lose, they lose,' I says. 'What ails thim?' I says. 'Is th' riferee
+again thim?' 'I can't make it out,' he says, while a tear sthud in his
+eye. 'Whin I think iv Leonidas at th' pass iv Thermometer,' he says,
+'an' So-an'-so on th' field iv Marathon an' This-or-that th' Spartan
+hero,' he says, 'I cannot undherstand f'r th' life iv me why th' Greeks
+shud have been dhruv fr'm pillar to post be an ar-rmy iv slaves. Didn't
+Leonidas, with hardly as manny men as there are Raypublicans in this
+precint, hold th' pass again a savage horde?' he says. 'He did,' says I.
+'He did.' 'An' didn't What's-his-name on th' field iv Marathon overcome
+an' desthroy th' ravagin' armies iv Persia?' he says. 'Thrue f'r ye,'
+says I. 'There's no doubt in th' wurruld about it,' I says. 'An' look at
+Alexander th' Great,' he says. 'Aleck was a turror, an' no mistake,'
+says I. 'An' Miltiades,' he says. 'I on'y know what I hear iv him,' says
+I. 'But fr'm all accounts he must have been consid'rable iv a fellow,'
+says I. 'An' in later days Marco Boozaris,' he says. 'He was th' man
+that come in con-sumption's dreaded form,' says I, 'an' he was afraid iv
+no man.' 'Well, thin,' says he, 'how ar-re we to account f'r this
+disgrace?' he says.</p>
+
+<p>"'Well,' says I, 'd'ye raymimber th' fightin' tenth precint? Ye must've
+heerd ye'er father tell about it. It was famous f'r th' quality an'
+quantity iv th' warfare put up in it. Ivry man in th' tenth precint cud
+fight his weight in scrap-iron. Most iv thim come fr'm th' ancient
+Hellenic province iv May-o; but they was a fair sprinklin' iv Greek
+heroes fr'm Roscommon an' Tipperary, an' a few from th' historic spot
+where th' Head iv Kinsale looks out on th' sea, an' th' sea looks up at
+th' Head iv Kinsale. Th' little boys cud box befure they was out iv
+skirts. Far an' wide, th' tenth precint was th' turror iv its inimies.
+Ye talk about Leonidas an' th' pass iv Thermometer. Ye ought to've seen
+Mike Riordan an' his fam'ly defindin' th' pollin'-place whin Eddie
+Burke's brigade charged it wan fine day. That hero sthud f'r four hours
+in th' dureway, ar-rmed on'y with a monkey-wrinch, an' built a wall iv
+invaders in frint iv him till th' judges cud dig their way out through
+th' cellar, an' escape to th' polis station.</p>
+
+<p>"'F'r manny years th' tenth precint was th' banner precint iv th' Sixth
+Wa-ard, an' its gallant heroes repelled all attacks by land or Healey's
+slough. But, as time wint by, changes come over it. Th' Hannigans an'
+Leonidases an' Caseys moved out, havin' made their pile. Some iv th'
+grandest iv th' heroes died, an' their fam'lies were broke up. Polish
+Jews an' Swedes an' Germans an' Hollanders swarmed in, settlin' down on
+th' sacred sites,' I says. 'Wan night three years ago, a band iv rovin'
+Bohemians fr'm th' Eighth Ward come acrost th' river, kickin' over
+bar'ls an' ash-boxes, an' swooped down on th' tenth precint. Mike
+Riordan, him that kept th' pollin'-place in th' good days iv old, was
+th' on'y wan iv th' race iv ancient heroes on earth. He thried to rally
+th' ingloryous descindants iv a proud people. F'r a while they made a
+stand in Halsted Sthreet, an' shouted bad but difficult names at th'
+infidel hordes, an' threw bricks that laid out their own people. But it
+was on'y f'r a moment. In another they tur-rned an' r-run, lavin' Mike
+Riordan standin' alone in th' mist iv th' fray. If it wasn't f'r th'
+intervintion iv th' powers in th' shape iv th' loot an' a wagon-load iv
+polismin, th' Bohemians'd have devastated as far as th' ruins iv th'
+gas-house, which is th' same as that there Acropulist ye talk about,'
+says I.</p>
+
+<p>"'No, my son,' says I. 'On account iv th' fluctuations in rint an'
+throuble with th' landlord it's not safe to presoom that th' same fam'ly
+always lives in th' wan house. Th' very thing happened to Greece that
+has happened to th' tenth precint iv th' Sixth Ward. Th' Greeks have
+moved out, an' th' Swedes come in. Ye yet may live to see th' day,' says
+I, 'whin what is thrue iv Athens an' th' tenth precint will be thrue iv
+th' whole Sixth Wa-ard.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Ye don't mean that," said Mr. Hennessy, gasping.</p>
+
+<p>"I do," said Mr. Dooley, with solemnity. "'Tis histhry."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_THE_INDIAN_WAR" id="ON_THE_INDIAN_WAR"></a>ON THE INDIAN WAR.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Gin'ral Sherman was wan iv th' smartest men we iver had," said Mr.
+Dooley. "He said so manny bright things. 'Twas him said, 'War is hell';
+an' that's wan iv th' finest sayin's I know annything about. 'War is
+hell': 'tis a thrue wurrud an' a fine sintiment. An' Gin'ral Sherman
+says, 'Th' on'y good Indyun is a dead Indyun.' An' that's a good sayin',
+too. So, be th' powers, we've started in again to improve th' race; an',
+if we can get in Gatlin' guns enough befure th' winter's snows, we'll
+tur-rn thim Chippeways into a cimitry branch iv th' Young Men's
+Christyan Association. We will so.</p>
+
+<p>"Ye see, Hinnissy, th' Indyun is bound f'r to give way to th' onward
+march iv white civilization. You an' me, Hinnissy, is th' white
+civilization. I come along, an' I find ol' Snakes-in-his-Gaiters livin'
+quite an' dacint in a new frame house. Thinks I, ''Tis a shame f'r to
+lave this savage man in possession iv this fine abode, an' him not able
+f'r to vote an' without a frind on th' polis foorce.' So says I:
+'Snakes,' I says, 'get along,' says I. 'I want ye'er house, an' ye best
+move out west iv th' thracks, an' dig a hole f'r ye'ersilf,' I says.
+'Divvle th' fut I will step out iv this house,' says Snakes. 'I built
+it, an' I have th' law on me side,' he says. 'F'r why should I take Mary
+Ann, an' Terence, an' Honoria, an' Robert Immitt Snakes, an' all me
+little Snakeses, an' rustle out west iv th' thracks,' he says, 'far fr'm
+th' bones iv me ancestors,' he says, 'an beyond th' water-pipe
+extinsion,' he says. 'Because,' says I, 'I am th' walkin' dilygate iv
+white civilization,' I says. 'I'm jus' as civilized as you,' says
+Snakes. 'I wear pants,' he says, 'an' a plug hat,' he says. 'Ye might
+wear tin pair,' says I, 'an' all at wanst,' I says, 'an' ye'd still be a
+savage,' says I; 'an' I'd be civilized,' I says, 'if I hadn't on so much
+as a bangle bracelet,' I says. 'So get out,' says I. 'So get out,' says
+I, 'f'r th' pianny movers is outside, r-ready to go to wurruk,' I says.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Snakes he fires a stove lid at me; an' I go down to th' polis
+station, an' says I, 'Loot,' I says, 'they'se a dhrunken Indyun not
+votin' up near th' mills, an he's carryin' on outrageous, an' he won't
+let me hang me pitchers on his wall,' says I. 'Vile savage,' says th'
+loot, 'I'll tache him to rayspict th' rules iv civilization,' he says.
+An' he takes out a wagon load, an' goes afther Snakes. Well, me frind
+Snakes gives him battle, an', knowin' th' premises well, he's able to
+put up a gr-reat fight; but afther a while they rip him away, an' have
+him in th' pathrol wagon, with a man settin' on his head. An' thin he's
+put undher bonds to keep the peace, an' they sind him out west iv th'
+thracks; an' I move into th' house, an' tear out th' front an' start a
+faro bank. Some day, whin I get tired or th' Swedes dhrive me out or
+Schwartzmeister makes his lunch too sthrong f'r competition, I'll go
+afther Snakes again.</p>
+
+<p>"Th' on'y hope f'r th Indyun is to put his house on rollers, an' keep a
+team hitched to it, an', whin he sees a white man, to start f'r th'
+settin' sun. He's rooned whin he has a cellar. He ought to put all th'
+plugged dollars that he gets from th' agent an' be pickin' blueberries
+into rowlin' stock. If he knew annything about balloons, he'd have a
+chanst; but we white men, Hinnissy, has all th' balloons. But, annyhow,
+he's doomed, as Hogan says. Th' onward march iv th' white civilization,
+with morgedges an' other modhern improvements, is slowly but surely, as
+Hogan says, chasin' him out; an' th' last iv him'll be livin' in a
+divin'-bell somewhere out in th' Pacific Ocean."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, the stout philanthropist, "I think so, an'
+thin again I dinnaw. I don't think we threat thim r-right. If I was th'
+gover'mint, I'd take what they got, but I'd say, 'Here, take this
+tin-dollar bill an' go out an' dhrink ye'ersilf to death,' I'd say. They
+ought to have some show."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if ye feel that way, ye ought to go an' inlist
+as an Indyun."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_GOLF" id="ON_GOLF"></a>ON GOLF.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"An' what's this game iv goluf like, I dinnaw?" said Mr. Hennessy,
+lighting his pipe with much unnecessary noise. "Ye're a good deal iv a
+spoort, Jawnny: did ye iver thry it?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Mr. McKenna. "I used to roll a hoop onct upon a time, but I'm
+out of condition now."</p>
+
+<p>"It ain't like base-ball," said Mr. Hennessy, "an' it ain't like shinny,
+an' it ain't like lawn-teenis, an' it ain't like forty-fives, an' it
+ain't"&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Like canvas-back duck or anny other game ye know," said Mr. Dooley.</p>
+
+<p>"Thin what is it like?" said Mr. Hennessy. "I see be th' pa-aper that
+Hobart What-d'ye-call-him is wan iv th' best at it. Th' other day he
+made a scoor iv wan hundherd an' sixty-eight, but whether 'twas miles or
+stitches I cudden't make out fr'm th' raypoorts."</p>
+
+<p>"'Tis little ye know," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' game iv goluf is as old as
+th' hills. Me father had goluf links all over his place, an', whin I was
+a kid, 'twas wan iv th' principal spoorts iv me life, afther I'd dug the
+turf f'r th' avenin', to go out and putt"&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Poot, ye mean," said Mr. Hennessy. "They'se no such wurrud in th'
+English language as putt. Belinda called me down ha-ard on it no more
+thin las' night."</p>
+
+<p>"There ye go!" said Mr. Dooley, angrily. "There ye go! D'ye think this
+here game iv goluf is a spellin' match? 'Tis like ye, Hinnissy, to be
+refereein' a twinty-round glove contest be th' rule iv three. I tell ye
+I used to go out in th' avenin' an' putt me mashie like hell-an'-all,
+till I was knowed fr'm wan end iv th' county to th' other as th'
+champeen putter. I putted two men fr'm Roscommon in wan day, an' they
+had to be took home on a dure.</p>
+
+<p>"In America th' ga-ame is played more ginteel, an' is more like
+cigareet-smokin', though less unhealthy f'r th' lungs. 'Tis a good game
+to play in a hammick whin ye're all tired out fr'm social duties or
+shovellin' coke. Out-iv-dure golf is played be th' followin' rules. If
+ye bring ye'er wife f'r to see th' game, an' she has her name in th'
+paper, that counts ye wan. So th' first thing ye do is to find th'
+raypoorter, an' tell him ye're there. Thin ye ordher a bottle iv brown
+pop, an' have ye'er second fan ye with a towel. Afther this ye'd dhress,
+an' here ye've got to be dam particklar or ye'll be stuck f'r th'
+dhrinks. If ye'er necktie is not on sthraight, that counts ye'er
+opponent wan. If both ye an' ye'er opponent have ye'er neckties on
+crooked, th' first man that sees it gets th' stakes. Thin ye ordher a
+carredge"&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Order what?" demanded Mr. McKenna.</p>
+
+<p>"A carredge."</p>
+
+<p>"What for?"</p>
+
+<p>"F'r to take ye 'round th' links. Ye have a little boy followin' ye,
+carryin' ye'er clubs. Th' man that has th' smallest little boy it counts
+him two. If th' little boy has th' rickets, it counts th' man in th'
+carredge three. The little boys is called caddies; but Clarence Heaney
+that tol' me all this&mdash;he belongs to th' Foorth Wa-ard Goluf an'
+McKinley Club&mdash;said what th' little boys calls th' players'd not be fit
+f'r to repeat.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, whin ye dhrive up to th' tea grounds"&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Th' what?" demanded Mr. Hennessy.</p>
+
+<p>"Th' tea grounds, that's like th' homeplate in base-ball or ordherin' a
+piece iv chalk in a game iv spoil five. Its th' beginnin' iv ivrything.
+Whin ye get to th' tea grounds, ye step out, an' have ye're hat irned be
+th' caddie. Thin ye'er man that ye're goin' aginst comes up, an' he asks
+ye, 'Do you know Potther Pammer?' Well, if ye don't know Potther Pammer,
+it's all up with ye: ye lose two points. But ye come right back at him
+with an' upper cut: 'Do ye live on th' Lake Shore dhrive?' If he
+doesn't, ye have him in th' nine hole. Ye needn't play with him anny
+more. But, if ye do play with him, he has to spot three balls. If he's a
+good man an' shifty on his feet, he'll counter be askin' ye where ye
+spend th' summer. Now ye can't tell him that ye spent th' summer with
+wan hook on th' free lunch an' another on th' ticker tape, an' so ye go
+back three. That needn't discourage ye at all, at all. Here's yer chance
+to mix up, an' ye ask him if he was iver in Scotland. If he wasn't, it
+counts ye five. Thin ye tell him that ye had an aunt wanst that heerd
+th' Jook iv Argyle talk in a phonograph; an' onless he comes back an'
+shoots it into ye that he was wanst run over be th' Prince iv Wales, ye
+have him groggy. I don't know whether th' Jook iv Argyle or th' Prince
+iv Wales counts f'r most. They're like th' right an' left bower iv
+thrumps. Th' best players is called scratch-men."</p>
+
+<p>"What's that f'r?" Mr. Hennessy asked.</p>
+
+<p>"It's a Scotch game," said Mr. Dooley, with a wave of his hand. "I
+wonder how it come out to-day. Here's th' pa-aper. Let me see. McKinley
+at Canton. Still there. He niver cared to wandher fr'm his own fireside.
+Collar-button men f'r th' goold standard. Statues iv Heidelback,
+Ickleheimer an' Company to be erected in Washington. Another Vanderbilt
+weddin'. That sounds like goluf, but it ain't. Newport society livin' in
+Mrs. Potther Pammer's cellar. Green-goods men declare f'r honest money.
+Anson in foorth place some more. Pianny tuners f'r McKinley. Li Hung
+Chang smells a rat. Abner McKinley supports th' goold standard. Wait a
+minyit. Here it is: 'Goluf in gay attire.' Let me see. H'm. 'Foozled his
+aproach,'&mdash;nasty thing. 'Topped th' ball.' 'Three up an' two to play.'
+Ah, here's the scoor. 'Among those prisint were Messrs. an' Mesdames"&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Hol' on!" cried Mr. Hennessy, grabbing the paper out of his friend's
+hands. "That's thim that was there."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Mr. Dooley, decisively, "that's th' goluf scoor."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ON_THE_FRENCH_CHARACTER" id="ON_THE_FRENCH_CHARACTER"></a>ON THE FRENCH CHARACTER.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Th' Fr-rinch," said Mr. Dooley, "ar-re a tumulchuse people."</p>
+
+<p>"Like as not," said Mr. Hennessy, "there's some of our blood in thim. A
+good manny iv our people wint over wanst. They cudden't all've been kilt
+at Fontenoy."</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis another kind iv tumulchuse. Whin an
+Irishman rages, 'tis with wan idee in his mind. He's goin' for'ard again
+a single inimy, an' not stone walls or irne chains'll stop him. He may
+pause f'r a dhrink or to take a shy at a polisman,&mdash;f'r a polisman's
+always in th' way,&mdash;but he's as thrue as th' needle in th' camel's eye,
+as Hogan says, to th' objec' iv his hathred. So he's been f'r four
+hundherd years, an' so he'll always be while they'se an England on th'
+map. Whin England purrishes, th' Irish'll die iv what Hogan calls
+ongwee, which is havin' no wan in the weary wurruld ye don't love.</p>
+
+<p>"But with th' Fr-rinch 'tis diff'rent. I say 'tis diffrent with th'
+Fr-rinch. They're an onaisy an' a thrubbled people. They start out down
+th' street, loaded up with obscenthe an' cigareets, pavin' blocks an'
+walkin' sthicks an' shtove lids in their hands, cryin', 'A base Cap
+Dhry-fuss!' th' cap bein' far off in a cage, by dad. So far, so good. 'A
+base Cap Dhry-fuss!' says I; 'an' the same to all thraitors, an' manny
+iv thim, whether they ar-re or not.' But along comes a man with a poor
+hat. 'Where did he get th' hat?' demands th' mob. Down with th' bad
+tile!' they say. 'A base th' lid!' An' they desthroy th' hat, an' th'
+man undher it succumbs to th' rule iv th' majority an' jines th' mob. On
+they go till they come to a restaurant. 'Ha,' says they, 'th' re-sort iv
+th' infamious Duclose.' 'His char-rges ar-re high,' says wan. 'I found a
+fish-bone in his soup,' says another. 'He's a thraitor,' says a third.
+'A base th' soup kitchen! A base th' caafe!' says they; an' they seize
+th' unfortunate Duclose, an' bate him an' upset his kettles iv broth.
+Manetime where's Cap Dhry-fuss? Off in his comfortable cage, swingin' on
+th' perch an' atin' seed out iv a small bottle stuck in th' wire. Be th'
+time th' mob has desthroyed what they see on th' way, they've f'rgot th'
+Cap intirely; an' he's safe f'r another day.</p>
+
+<p>"'Tis unforch'nit, but 'tis thrue. Th' Fr-rinch ar-re not steady ayether
+in their politics or their morals. That's where they get done be th'
+hated British. Th' diff'rence in furrin' policies is the diff'rence
+between a second-rate safe blower an' a first-class boonco steerer. Th'
+Fr-rinch buy a ton iv dinnymite, spind five years in dhrillin' a hole
+through a steel dure, blow open th' safe, lose a leg or an ar-rm, an'
+get away with th' li'bilities iv th' firm. Th' English dhress up f'r a
+Methodist preacher, stick a piece iv lead pipe in th' tails iv their
+coat in case iv emargency, an' get all th' money there is in th' line.</p>
+
+<p>"In th' fr-ront dure comes th' Englishman with a coon king on ayether
+ar-rm that's jus' loaned him their kingdoms on a prom'ssory note, and
+discovers th' Fr-rinchman emargin' frim th' roons iv th' safe. 'What
+ar-re ye doin' here?' says th' Englishman. 'Robbin' th' naygurs,' says
+th' Fr-rinchman, bein' thruthful as well as polite. 'Wicked man,' says
+th' Englishman. 'What ar-re ye doin' here?' says the Fr-rinchman.
+'Improvin' the morals iv th' inhabitants,' says th' Englishman. 'Is it
+not so, Rastus?' he says. 'It is,' says wan iv th' kings. 'I'm a poorer
+but a betther man since ye came,' he says. 'Yes,' says th' Englishman,
+'I pro-pose f'r to thruly rayform this onhappy counthry,' he says. 'This
+benighted haythen on me exthreme left has been injooced to cut out a
+good dale iv his wife's business,' he says, 'an' go through life
+torminted be on'y wan spouse,' he says. 'Th' r-rest will go to wurruk
+f'r me,' he says. 'All crap games bein' particular ongodly'll be undher
+th' con-throl iv th' gover'mint, which,' he says, 'is me. Policy
+shops'll be r-run carefully, an' I've appinted Rastus here
+Writer-in-Waitin' to her Majesty,' he says.</p>
+
+<p>"'Th' r-rum they dhrink in these par-rts,' he says, 'is fearful,' he
+says. 'What shall we do to stop th' ac-cursed thraffic? Sell thim gin,'
+says I. ''Tis shameful they shud go out with nawthin' to hide their
+nakedness,' he says. 'I'll fetch thim clothes; but,' he says, cas th'
+weather's too war-rum f'r clothes, I'll not sell thim annything that'll
+last long,' he says. 'If it wasn't f'r relligion,' he says, 'I don't
+know what th' 'ell th' wurruld wud come to,' he says. 'Who's relligion?'
+says th' Fr-rinchman. 'My relligion,' says th' Englishman. 'These pore,
+benighted savidges,' he says, ''ll not be left to yer odjious morals an'
+yer hootchy-kootchy school iv thought,' he says, 'but,' he says, 'undher
+th' binif'cint r-rule iv a wise an' thrue gover'mint,' he says, ''ll be
+thurly prepared f'r hivin,' he says, 'whin their time comes to go,' he
+says, 'which I thrust will not be long,' he says. 'So I'll thank ye to
+be off,' he says, 'or I'll take th' thick end iv the slung-shot to ye,'
+he says.</p>
+
+<p>"Th' Fr-rinchman is a br-rave man, an' he'd stay an' have it out on th'
+flure; but some wan calls, 'A base th' Chinnyman!' an' off he goes on
+another thrack. An', whin he gets to th' Chinnymen, he finds th'
+English've abased thim already. An' so he dances fr'm wan par-rt th'
+wurruld to another like a riochous an' happy flea, an' divvle th' bit iv
+progress he makes, on'y thrubble f'r others an' a merry life f'r
+himsilf."</p>
+
+<p>"If England wint to war with France," said Mr. Hennessy, suddenly, "I'd
+be f'r France."</p>
+
+<p>"So ye wud, Hinnissy. So ye wud," said Mr. Dooley. "An' I'm not sayin'
+that I wudden't f'aget that I'm an Anglo-Saxon long enough to take wan
+crack at th' Prince iv Wales with a coupli' pin mesilf."</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE AND IN WAR***</p>
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@@ -0,0 +1,4857 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Mr. Dooley in Peace and in War, by Finley
+Peter Dunne
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Mr. Dooley in Peace and in War
+
+
+Author: Finley Peter Dunne
+
+
+
+Release Date: September 7, 2007  [eBook #22537]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE AND IN WAR***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Suzanne Shell, Graeme Mackreth, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Mr. DOOLEY
+
+IN PEACE AND IN WAR
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Boston
+Small, Maynard & Company
+1899
+
+Copyright, 1898, by the Chicago Journal
+Copyright, 1898, by Small, Maynard & Company
+
+First Edition (10,000 copies) November, 1898
+Second Edition (10,000 copies) December, 1898
+Third Edition (10,000 copies) January, 1899
+
+Press of George H. Ellis, Boston, U.S.A.
+
+
+
+
+TO W.H. TURNER
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE.
+
+
+Archey Road stretches back for many miles from the heart of an ugly city
+to the cabbage gardens that gave the maker of the seal his opportunity
+to call the city "urbs in horto." Somewhere between the two--that is to
+say, forninst th' gas-house and beyant Healey's slough and not far from
+the polis station--lives Martin Dooley, doctor of philosophy.
+
+There was a time when Archey Road was purely Irish. But the Huns, turned
+back from the Adriatic and the stock-yards and overrunning Archey Road,
+have nearly exhausted the original population,--not driven them out as
+they drove out less vigorous races, with thick clubs and short spears,
+but edged them out with the more biting weapons of modern
+civilization,--overworked and under-eaten them into more languid
+surroundings remote from the tanks of the gas-house and the blast
+furnaces of the rolling-mill.
+
+But Mr. Dooley remains, and enough remain with him to save the Archey
+Road. In this community you can hear all the various accents of Ireland,
+from the awkward brogue of the "far-downer" to the mild and aisy
+Elizabethan English of the southern Irishman, and all the exquisite
+variations to be heard between Armagh and Bantry Bay, with the
+difference that would naturally arise from substituting cinders and
+sulphuretted hydrogen for soft misty air and peat smoke. Here also you
+can see the wakes and christenings, the marriages and funerals, and the
+other fetes of the ol' counthry somewhat modified and darkened by
+American usage. The Banshee has been heard many times in Archey Road. On
+the eve of All Saints' Day it is well known that here alone the pookies
+play thricks in cabbage gardens. In 1893 it was reported that Malachi
+Dempsey was called "by the other people," and disappeared west of the
+tracks, and never came back.
+
+A simple people! "Simple, says ye!" remarked Mr. Dooley. "Simple like
+th' air or th' deep sea. Not complicated like a watch that stops whin
+th' shoot iv clothes ye got it with wears out. Whin Father Butler
+wr-rote a book he niver finished, he said simplicity was not wearin' all
+ye had on ye'er shirt-front, like a tin-horn gambler with his di'mon'
+stud. An' 'tis so."
+
+The barbarians around them are moderately but firmly governed,
+encouraged to passionate votings for the ruling race, but restrained
+from the immoral pursuit of office.
+
+The most generous, thoughtful, honest, and chaste people in the world
+are these friends of Mr. Dooley,--knowing and innocent; moral, but
+giving no heed at all to patented political moralities.
+
+Among them lives and prospers the traveller, archaeologist, historian,
+social observer, saloon-keeper, economist, and philosopher, who has not
+been out of the ward for twenty-five years "but twict." He reads the
+newspapers with solemn care, heartily hates them, and accepts all they
+print for the sake of drowning Hennessy's rising protests against his
+logic. From the cool heights of life in the Archey Road, uninterrupted
+by the jarring noises of crickets and cows, he observes the passing
+show, and meditates thereon. His impressions are transferred to the
+desensitized plate of Mr. Hennessy's mind, where they can do no harm.
+
+"There's no betther place to see what's goin' on thin the Ar-rchey
+Road," says Mr. Dooley. "Whin th' ilicthric cars is hummin' down th'
+sthreet an' th' blast goin' sthrong at th' mills, th' noise is that
+gr-reat ye can't think."
+
+He is opulent in good advice, as becomes a man of his station; for he
+has mastered most of the obstacles in a business career, and by leading
+a prudent and temperate life has established himself so well that he
+owns his own house and furniture, and is only slightly behind on his
+license. It would be indelicate to give statistics as to his age. Mr.
+Hennessy says he was a "grown man whin th' pikes was out in forty-eight,
+an' I was hedge-high, an' I'm near fifty-five." Mr. Dooley says Mr.
+Hennessy is eighty. He closes discussion on his own age with the remark,
+"I'm old enough to know betther." He has served his country with
+distinction. His conduct of the important office of captain of his
+precinct (1873-75) was highly commended, and there was some talk of
+nominating him for alderman. At the expiration of his term he was
+personally thanked by the Hon. M. McGee, at one time a member of the
+central committee. But the activity of public life was unsuited to a man
+of Mr. Dooley's tastes; and, while he continues to view the political
+situation always with interest and sometimes with alarm, he has
+resolutely declined to leave the bar for the forum. His early
+experience gave him wisdom in discussing public affairs. "Politics," he
+says, "ain't bean bag. 'Tis a man's game; an' women, childher, an'
+pro-hybitionists'd do well to keep out iv it." Again he remarks, "As
+Shakespeare says, 'Ol' men f'r th' council, young men f'r th' ward.'"
+
+An attempt has been made in this book to give permanent form to a few of
+the more characteristic and important of Mr. Dooley's utterances. For
+permission to reprint the articles the thanks of the editor are due to
+Mr. George G. Booth, of the Chicago _Journal_, and to Mr. Dooley's
+constant friend, Mr. H.H. Kohlsaat, of the Chicago _Evening Post_.
+
+F. P. D.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+
+MR. DOOLEY IN WAR                                                 PAGE
+
+ON DIPLOMACY                                                        1
+
+ON WAR PREPARATIONS                                                 6
+
+ON FITZ-HUGH LEE                                                   10
+
+ON MULES AND OTHERS                                                14
+
+ON HIS COUSIN GEORGE                                               20
+
+ON SOME ARMY APPOINTMENTS                                          25
+
+ON STRATEGY                                                        30
+
+ON GENERAL MILES'S MOONLIGHT EXCURSION                             34
+
+ON ADMIRAL DEWEY'S ACTIVITY                                        39
+
+ON THE PHILIPPINES                                                 43
+
+ON PRAYERS FOR VICTORY                                             48
+
+ON THE ANGLO-SAXON                                                 53
+
+ON A LETTER FROM THE FRONT                                         58
+
+ON OUR CUBAN ALLIES                                                63
+
+ON THE DESTRUCTION OF CERVERA'S FLEET                              68
+
+ON A LETTER TO MR. DEPEW                                           73
+
+ON THE PRESIDENT'S CAT                                             77
+
+ON A SPEECH BY PRESIDENT McKINLEY                                  81
+
+ON THE HERO IN POLITICS                                            87
+
+
+MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE
+
+ON NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS                                          95
+
+ON GOLD-SEEKING                                                   100
+
+ON BOOKS                                                          105
+
+ON REFORM CANDIDATES                                              111
+
+ON PATERNAL DUTY                                                  118
+
+ON CRIMINALS                                                      124
+
+ON A PLOT                                                         130
+
+ON THE NEW WOMAN                                                  136
+
+ON EXPERT TESTIMONY                                               141
+
+ON THE POPULARITY OF FIREMEN                                      146
+
+ON THE GAME OF FOOTBALL                                           152
+
+ON THE NECESSITY OF MODESTY AMONG THE RICH                        158
+
+ON THE POWER OF LOVE                                              165
+
+ON THE VICTORIAN ERA                                              170
+
+ON THE CURRENCY QUESTION                                          175
+
+ON POLITICAL PARADES                                              181
+
+ON CHARITY                                                        187
+
+ON NANSEN                                                         192
+
+ON A POPULIST CONVENTION                                          197
+
+ON A FAMILY REUNION                                               202
+
+ON A FAMOUS WEDDING                                               208
+
+ON A QUARREL BETWEEN ENGLAND AND GERMANY                          213
+
+ON ORATORY IN POLITICS                                            218
+
+ON CHRISTMAS GIFTS                                                223
+
+ON ANARCHISTS                                                     229
+
+ON THE DREYFUS CASE                                               234
+
+ON THE DECADENCE OF GREECE                                        239
+
+ON THE INDIAN WAR                                                 245
+
+ON GOLF                                                           249
+
+ON THE FRENCH CHARACTER                                           255
+
+
+
+
+MR. DOOLEY IN WAR
+
+
+
+
+ON DIPLOMACY.
+
+
+"I'll explain it to ye," said Mr. Dooley. "'Tis this way. Ye see, this
+here Sagasta is a boonco steerer like Canada Bill, an' th' likes iv him.
+A smart man is this Sagasta, an' wan that can put a crimp in th' ca-ards
+that ye cudden't take out with a washerwoman's wringer. He's been
+through manny a ha-ard game. Talk about th' County Dimocracy picnic,
+where a three-ca-ard man goes in debt ivry time he hurls th' broads,
+'tis nawthin' to what this here Spanish onion has been again an' beat.
+F'r years an' years he's played on'y profissionals. Th' la-ads he's
+tackled have more marked ca-ards in their pockets thin a preacher fr'm
+Mitchigan an' more bad money thin ye cud shake out iv th' coat-tail
+pockets iv a prosp'rous banker fr'm Injianny. He's been up again
+Gladstun an' Bisma-arck an' ol' what-ye-call-'im, th' Eyetalian,--his
+name's got away from me,--an' he's done thim all.
+
+"Well, business is bad. No wan will play with him. No money's comin'
+in. Th' circus has moved on to th' nex' town, an' left him without a
+customer. Th' Jew man that loaned him th' bank-roll threatens to seize
+th' ca-ards on' th' table. Whin, lo an' behold, down th' sthreet comes a
+ma-an fr'm th' counthry,--a lawyer fr'm Ohio, with a gripsack in his
+hand. Oh, but he's a proud man. He's been in town long enough f'r to get
+out iv th' way iv th' throlley ca-ar whin th' bell rings. He's larned
+not to thry an' light his see-gar at th' ilicthric light. He doesn't
+offer to pay th' ilivator ma-an f'r carryin' him upstairs. He's got so
+he can pass a tall buildin' without thryin' f'r to turn a back
+summersault. An' he's as haughty about it as a new man on an ice-wagon.
+They'se nawthin' ye can tell him. He thinks iv himsilf goin' back to
+Canton with a r-red necktie on, an' settin' on a cracker box an' tellin'
+th' lads whin they come in fr'm pitchin' hor-rseshoes what a hot time
+he's had, an' how he's seen th' hootchy-kootchy an' th' Pammer House
+barber shop, an' th' other ondacint sights iv a gr-reat city.
+
+"An' so he comes up to where Sagasta is kind iv throwin' th' ca-ards
+idly on th' top iv th' bar'l, an' Sagasta pipes him out iv th' corner iv
+his eye, an' says to himsilf: 'Oh, I dinnaw,' an' thanks hiven f'r th'
+law that has a sucker bor-rn ivry minyit. An' th' la-ad fr'm Canton
+thinks he can pick out th' Jack, an' sometimes he can an' sometimes he
+can't; but th' end iv it is th' Spanyard has him thrimmed down to his
+chest protector, an' he'll be goin' back to Canton in a blanket. Ye see
+it ain't his game. If it was pitchin' hor-rseshoes, 'twud be diff'rent.
+He cud bate Sagasta at that. He cud do him at rasslin' or chasin' th'
+greased pig, or in a wan-legged race or th' tug-iv-war. He cud make him
+look foolish at liftin' a kag iv beer or hitchin' up a team. But, whin
+it comes to di-plo-macy, th' Spanyard has him again th' rail, an' counts
+on him till his ar-rm is sore."
+
+"Why don't he tur-rn in an' fight?" demanded the patriotic Mr.
+Hennessy.
+
+"Lord knows," said Mr. Dooley. "Mebbe 'twill tur-rn out th' way it did
+with two frinds iv mine. They was Joe Larkin an' a little r-red-headed
+man be th' name iv O'Brien, an' they wint out to th' picanic at Ogden's
+grove, where wanst a year Ireland's freed. They was a shell ma-an
+wurrukin' near th' fence, an' Larkin says, says he: 'He's aisy. Lave me
+have some money, an' we'll do him. I can see th' pea go undher th' shell
+ivry time.' So O'Brien bein' a hot spoort loaned him th' money, an' he
+wint at it. Ivry time Larkin cud see th' pea go undher th' shell as
+plain as day. Wanst or twict th' shell man was so careless that he left
+th' pea undher th' edge iv th' shell. But in five minyits all iv
+O'Brien's money was in th' bad ma-an's pockits, an' he was lookin'
+around f'r more foolish pathrites. It took O'Brien some time f'r to
+decide what to do. Thin says he, ''Twas my money this fool blowed in.'
+An' he made a dash f'r th' shell ma'an; an' he not on'y got what he'd
+lost, but all th' r-rest iv th' capital besides. Ye see, that was his
+game. That was where he come in. An' he took th' money an' carrid it
+over to a cor-rner iv th' gr-rounds where a la-ad had wan iv thim
+matcheens where ye pay tin cints f'r th' privilege iv seein' how har-rd
+ye can hit with a sledge-hammer, an' there he stayed till th' polis come
+ar-round to dhrive people off th' gr-rounds."
+
+
+
+
+ON WAR PREPARATIONS
+
+
+"Well," Mr. Hennessy asked, "how goes th' war?"
+
+"Splendid, thank ye," said Mr. Dooley. "Fine, fine. It makes me hear-rt
+throb with pride that I'm a citizen iv th' Sixth Wa-ard."
+
+"Has th' ar-rmy started f'r Cuba yet?"
+
+"Wan ar-rmy, says ye? Twinty! Las' Choosdah an advance ar-rmy iv wan
+hundherd an' twinty thousand men landed fr'm th' Gussie, with tin
+thousand cannons hurlin' projick-tyles weighin' eight hundherd pounds
+sivinteen miles. Winsdah night a second ar-rmy iv injineers, miners,
+plumbers, an' lawn tinnis experts, numberin' in all four hundherd an'
+eighty thousand men, ar-rmed with death-dealin' canned goods, was
+hurried to Havana to storm th' city.
+
+"Thursdah mornin' three thousand full rigimints iv r-rough r-riders swum
+their hor-rses acrost to Matoonzas, an' afther a spirited battle
+captured th' Rainy Christiny golf links, two up an' hell to play, an'
+will hold thim again all comers. Th' same afthernoon th' reg'lar
+cavalry, con-sistin' iv four hundherd an' eight thousan' well-mounted
+men, was loaded aboord th' tug Lucy J., and departed on their earned iv
+death amidst th' cheers iv eight millyon sojers left behind at
+Chickamaha. These cav'lry'll co-operate with Commodore Schlow; an' whin
+he desthroys th' Spanish fleet, as he does ivry Sundah an' holy day
+except in Lent, an' finds out where they ar-re an' desthroys thim,
+afther batterin' down th' forts where they ar-re con-cealed so that he
+can't see thim, but thinks they ar-re on their way f'r to fight Cousin
+George Dooley, th' cav'lry will make a dash back to Tampa, where Gin'ral
+Miles is preparin' to desthroy th' Spanish at wan blow,--an' he's th'
+boy to blow.
+
+"The gin'ral arrived th' other day, fully prepared f'r th' bloody wurruk
+iv war. He had his intire fam'ly with him. He r-rode recklessly into
+camp, mounted on a superb specyal ca-ar. As himsilf an' Uncle Mike
+Miles, an' Cousin Hennery Miles, an' Master Miles, aged eight years,
+dismounted fr'm th' specyal train, they were received with wild cheers
+be eight millyon iv th' bravest sojers that iver give up their lives f'r
+their counthry. Th' press cinchorship is so pow'rful that no news is
+allowed to go out; but I have it fr'm th' specyal corryspondint iv
+Mesilf, Clancy th' Butcher, Mike Casey, an' th' City Direchtry that
+Gin'ral Miles instantly repaired himsilf to th' hotel, where he made his
+plans f'r cr-rushin' th' Spanyards at wan blow. He will equip th' ar-rmy
+with blow-guns at wanst. His uniforms ar-re comin' down in specyal steel
+protected bullyon trains fr'm th' mint, where they've been kept f'r a
+year. He has ordhered out th' gold resarve f'r to equip his staff,
+numberin' eight thousan' men, manny iv whom ar-re clubmen; an', as soon
+as he can have his pitchers took, he will cr-rush th' Spanish with wan
+blow. Th' purpose iv th' gin'ral is to permit no delay. Decisive action
+is demanded be th' people. An', whin th' hot air masheens has been sint
+to th' front, Gin'ral Miles will strike wan blow that'll be th' damdest
+blow since th' year iv th' big wind in Ireland.
+
+"Iv coorse, they'se dissinsions in th' cabinet; but they don't amount to
+nawthin'. Th' Sicrety iv War is in favor iv sawin' th' Spanish ar-rmy
+into two-be-four joists. Th' Sicrety iv th' Three-asury has a scheme f'r
+roonin' thim be lindin' thim money. Th' Sicrety iv th' Navy wants to sue
+thim befure th' Mattsachusetts Supreme Coort. I've heerd that th'
+Prisident is arrangin' a knee dhrill, with th' idee iv prayin' th'
+villyans to th' divvil. But these diff'rences don't count. We're all wan
+people, an' we look to Gin'ral Miles to desthroy th' Spanish with wan
+blow. Whin it comes, trees will be lifted out be th' roots. Morro
+Castle'll cave in, an' th' air'll be full iv Spanish whiskers. A long
+blow, a sthrong blow, an' a blow all together."
+
+"We're a gr-reat people," said Mr. Hennessy, earnestly.
+
+"We ar-re," said Mr. Dooley. "We ar-re that. An' th' best iv it is, we
+know we ar-re."
+
+
+
+
+ON FITZ-HUGH LEE.
+
+
+"Iv coorse, he's Irish," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' Fitz-Hughs an' th'
+McHughs an' th' McKeoughs is not far apart. I have a cousin be th' name
+iv McKeough, an' like as not th' gin'ral is a relation iv mine."
+
+"If I was you, I'd write him an' see," said Mr. Hennessy. "He's a
+gr-reat ma-an."
+
+"He is so," said Mr. Dooley. "He is that. Wan iv th' gr-reatest. An' why
+shudden't he be with thim two names? They'se pothry in both iv thim.
+Fitz-Hugh Lee! Did ye iver see a pitcher iv him? A fat ma-an, with a
+head like a football an' a neck big enough to pump blood into his brain
+an' keep it fr'm starvin'. White-haired an' r-red-faced. Th' kind iv
+ma-an that can get mad in ivry vein in his body. Whin he's hot, I bet ye
+his face looks like a fire in a furniture facthry. Whin a ma-an goes
+pale with r-rage, look out f'r a knife in th' back. But, whin he flames
+up so that th' perspi-ration sizzles on his brow, look out f'r hand an'
+feet an' head an' coupling pins an' rapid-firin' guns. Fitz can be ca'm
+whin they'se annything to be ca'm about, but he can't wait. If he was a
+waiter, he'd be wurrukin' at th' thrade. Look at th' jaw iv him! It's
+like a paving block.
+
+"Does Fitz believe in di-plomacy? Not him. He sets there in his office
+in Havana, smokin' a good see-gar, an' a boy comes in an' tells him
+they've jugged an American citizen. He jams his hat down on his eyes,
+an' r-rushes over to where Gin'ral Blanco has his office. 'Look here,'
+says he, 'ye pizenous riptile,' he says, 'if ye don't lave me
+counthryman out iv th' bull-pen in fifteen minyits be th' watch,' he
+says, 'I'll take ye be th' hair iv th' head an' pull ye fr'm th' corner
+iv Halsted Sthreet to th' r-red bridge,' he says. 'Lave us debate this,'
+says Blanco. 'I'll debate nawthin', says Fitz. 'Hurry up, or I'll give
+ye a slap,' he says. 'R-run over an' wake up th' loot at th' station,
+an' let thim Americans out, or,' he says, 'we'll go to the flure,' he
+says.
+
+"That's Fitz. He's ca'm, an' he waits part iv th' time. That's whin he's
+asleep. But, as soon as his eyes opins, his face begins to flare up like
+wan iv thim r-round stoves in a woodman's shanty whin rosiny wood is
+thrun in. An' fr'm that time on till he's r-ready to tur-rn in an' sleep
+peaceful an' quite,--not like a lamb full iv vigetable food, but like a
+line that's wur-rked ha-ard an' et meat,--he niver stops rampin' an'
+ragin'. Ye don't hear iv Fitz lookin' worn with th' sthruggle. Ye don't
+r-read iv him missin' anny meals. No one fears that Fitz will break down
+undher th' suspinse. That ain't in th' breed. He's another kind iv a
+man. He hasn't got th' time to be tired an' worrid. He needs food, an'
+he has it; an' he needs sleep, an' he takes it; an' he needs fightin',
+an' he gets it. That's Fitz. They ain't such a lot iv diff'rence between
+th' bravest man in the wurruld an' th' cow'rdliest. Not such a lot. It
+ain't a question iv morality, Hinnissy. I've knowed men that wint to
+church ivry Sundah an' holyday reg'lar, an' give to th' poor an' loved
+their neighbors, an' they wudden't defind their wives against a
+murdherer. An' I've knowed th' worst villyuns on earth that'd die in
+their thracks to save a stranger's child fr'm injury. 'Tis a question iv
+how th' blood is pumped. Whin a man shows th' sthrain, whin he gets thin
+an' pale an' worrid in th' time f'r fightin', he's mighty near a cow'rd.
+But, whin his face flames an' his neck swells an' his eyes look like a
+couple iv ilicthric lamps again a cyclone sky, he'd lead a forlorn hope
+acrost th' battlemints iv hell."
+
+
+
+
+ON MULES AND OTHERS
+
+
+"I see," said Mr. Dooley, "th' first gr-reat land battle iv th' war has
+been fought."
+
+"Where was that?" demanded Mr. Hennessy, in great excitement. "Lord save
+us, but where was that?"
+
+"Th' Alger gyards," said Mr. Dooley, "bruk fr'm th' corral where they
+had thim tied up, atin' thistles, an' med a desp'rate charge on th' camp
+at Tampa. They dayscinded like a whur-rl-wind, dhrivin' th' astonished
+throops before thim, an' thin charged back again, completin' their
+earned iv desthruction. At th' las' account th' brave sojers was
+climbin' threes an' tillygraft poles, an' a rig'mint iv mules was
+kickin' th' pink silk linin' out iv th' officers' quarthers. Th' gallant
+mules was led be a most courageous jackass, an' 'tis undhersthud that me
+frind Mack will appint him a brigadier-gin-ral jus' as soon as he can
+find out who his father is. 'Tis too bad he'll have no childher to
+perpituate th' fame iv him. He wint through th' camp at th' head iv his
+throops iv mules without castin' a shoe. He's th' biggest jackass in
+Tampa to-day, not exciptin' th' cinsor; an' I doubt if they'se a bigger
+wan in Wash'n'ton, though I cud name a few that cud thry a race with
+him. Annyhow, they'll know how to reward him. They know a jackass whin
+they see wan, an' they see a good manny in that peaceful city.
+
+"Th' charge iv Tampa'll go into histhry as th' first land action iv th'
+war. An', be th' way, Hinnissy, if this here sociable is f'r to go on at
+th' prisint rate, I'm sthrong to ar-rm th' wild ar-rmy mules an' the
+unbridled jackasses iv th' pe-rary an' give thim a chanst to set Cuba
+free. Up to this time th' on'y hero kilt on th' Spanish side was a
+jackass that poked an ear above th' batthries at Matoonzas f'r to hear
+what was goin' on. 'Behold,' says Sampson, 'th' insolince iv th' foe,'
+he says. 'For-rm in line iv battle, an' hur-rl death an' desthruction at
+yon Castilyan gin'ral.' 'Wait,' says an officer. 'It may be wan iv our
+own men. It looks like th' Sicrety iv'--'Hush!' says th' commander. 'It
+can't be an American jackass, or he'd speak,' he says. 'Fire on him.'
+Shot afther shot fell round th' inthrepid ass; but he remained firm till
+th' dinnymite boat Vesoovyus fired three hundherd an' forty thousand
+pounds iv gum cotton at him, an' the poor crather was smothered to
+death. Now, says I, give these Tampa mules a chanst, an' we'll have no
+need iv wastin' ammun-ni-tion. Properly led, they'd go fr'm wan end iv
+Cuba to th' other, kickin' th' excelsior out iv ivry stuffed Spanish
+gin'ral fr'm Bahoohoo Hoondoo to Sandago de Cuba. They'd be no loss iv
+life. Th' sojers who haven't gone away cud come home an' get cured iv
+th' measles an' th' whoopin'-cough an' th' cholera infantum befure th'
+public schools opens in th' fall, an' ivrything wud be peaceful an'
+quiet an' prosp'rous. Th' officers in th' field at prisint is well
+qualified f'r command iv th' new ar-rmy; an', if they'd put blinders on
+th' mules, they wudden't be scared back be wan iv thim Spanish fleets
+that a jackass sees whin he's been up all night, secretly stuffing
+himsilf with silo. They'd give wan hew-haw, an' follow their leaders
+through th' hear-rt iv th' inimy's counthry. But give thim th' wurrud to
+git ap, an' they'd ate their thistles undher th' guns iv some ol' Morro
+Castle befure night.
+
+"Ye don't see th' diff'rence, says ye. They ain't anny i' th' leaders.
+As efficient a lot iv mules as iver exposed their ears. Th' throuble is
+with th' rank an' file. They're men. What's needed to carry on this war
+as it goes to-day is an ar-rmy iv jacks an' mules. Whin ye say to a man,
+'Git ap, whoa, gee, back up, get alang!' he don't know what ye'er
+dhrivin' at or to. But a mule hears th' ordhers with a melancholy smile,
+dhroops his ears, an' follows his war-rm, moist breath. Th' ordhers fr'm
+Washin'ton is perfectly comprehinsible to a jackass, but they don't mane
+annything to a poor, foolish man. No human bein', Hinnissy, can
+undherstand what the divvie use it was to sink a ship that cost two
+hundherd thousan' dollars an' was worth at laste eighty dollars in
+Sandago Harbor, if we have to keep fourteen ships outside to prevint
+five Spanish ships fr'm sailin'. Th' poor, tired human mind don't
+tumble, Hinnissy, to th' raison f'r landin' four hundherd marines at
+Guanotommy to clear th' forests, whin Havana is livin' free on hot
+tamales an' ice-cream. Th' mind iv a Demostheens or a Tim Hogan would be
+crippled thryin' to figure out why throops ar-re sint out fr'm Tampa an'
+thin ordhered back through a speakin' chube, while wan iv th' new
+briga-deer-gin'rals has his hands manicured an' says good-by to his
+nurse. But it ought to be as plain to th' mule that hears it as it is to
+th' jackasses that gets it up. What we need, Hinnissy, is a perfect
+undherstandin' between th' ar-rmy an' th' administhration. We need what
+Hogan calls th' esphrite th' corpse, an' we'll on'y have it whin th'
+mules begins to move."
+
+"I shud think," said Mr. Hennessy, "now that th' jackasses has begun to
+be onaisy"--
+
+"We ought to be afraid th' cabinet an' th' Boord iv Sthrateejy 'll be
+stampeded?" Mr. Dooley interrupted. "Niver fear. They're too near th'
+fodder."
+
+
+
+
+ON HIS COUSIN GEORGE.
+
+
+"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, in tones of chastened joy: "Dewey didn't do a
+thing to thim. I hope th' poor la-ad ain't cooped up there in
+Minneapolis."
+
+"Niver fear," said Mr. Dooley, calmly. "Cousin George is all r-right."
+
+"Cousin George?" Mr. Hennessy exclaimed.
+
+"Sure," said Mr. Dooley. "Dewey or Dooley, 'tis all th' same. We dhrop a
+letter here an' there, except th' haitches,--we niver dhrop thim,--but
+we're th' same breed iv fightin' men. Georgy has th' thraits iv th'
+fam'ly. Me uncle Mike, that was a handy man, was tol' wanst he'd be sint
+to hell f'r his manny sins, an' he desarved it; f'r, lavin' out th' wan
+sin iv runnin' away fr'm annywan, he was booked f'r ivrything from
+murdher to missin' mass. 'Well,' he says, 'anny place I can get into,'
+he says, 'I can get out iv,' he says. 'Ye bet on that,' he says.
+
+"So it is with Cousin George. He knew th' way in, an' it's th' same way
+out. He didn't go in be th' fam'ly inthrance, sneakin' along with th'
+can undher his coat. He left Ding Dong, or whativer 'tis ye call it, an'
+says he, 'Thank Gawd,' he says, 'I'm where no man can give me his idees
+iv how to r-run a quiltin' party, an' call it war,' he says. An' so he
+sint a man down in a divin' shute, an' cut th' cables, so's Mack
+cudden't chat with him. Thin he prances up to th' Spanish forts, an'
+hands thim a few oranges. Tosses thim out like a man throwin' handbills
+f'r a circus. 'Take that,' he says, 'an' raymimber th' Maine,' he says.
+An' he goes into th' harbor, where Admiral What-th'-'ell is, an', says
+he, 'Surrinder,' he says. 'Niver,' says th' Dago. 'Well,' says Cousin
+George, 'I'll just have to push ye ar-round,' he says. An' he tosses a
+few slugs at th' Spanyards. Th' Spanish admiral shoots at him with a bow
+an' arrow, an' goes over an' writes a cable. 'This mornin' we was
+attackted,' he says. 'An' he says, 'we fought the inimy with great
+courage,' he says. 'Our victhry is complete,' he says. 'We have lost
+ivrything we had,' he says. 'Th' threachrous foe,' he says, 'afther
+destroyin' us, sought refuge behind a mud-scow,' he says; 'but nawthin'
+daunted us. What boats we cudden't r-run ashore we surrindered,' he
+says. 'I cannot write no more,' he says, 'as me coat-tails are afire,'
+he says; 'an' I am bravely but rapidly leapin' fr'm wan vessel to
+another, followed be me valiant crew with a fire-engine,' he says. 'If I
+can save me coat-tails,' he says, 'they'll be no kick comin', he says.
+'Long live Spain, long live mesilf.'
+
+"Well, sir, in twinty-eight minyits be th' clock Dewey he had all th'
+Spanish boats sunk, an' that there harbor lookin' like a Spanish stew.
+Thin he r-run down th' bay, an' handed a few war-rm wans into th' town.
+He set it on fire, an' thin wint ashore to war-rm his poor hands an'
+feet. It chills th' blood not to have annything to do f'r an hour or
+more."
+
+"Thin why don't he write something?" Mr. Hennessy demanded.
+
+"Write?" echoed Mr. Dooley. "Write? Why shud he write? D'ye think Cousin
+George ain't got nawthin' to do but to set down with a fountain pen, an'
+write: 'Dear Mack,--At 8 o'clock I begun a peaceful blockade iv this
+town. Ye can see th' pieces ivrywhere. I hope ye're injyin' th' same
+gr-reat blessin'. So no more at prisint. Fr'm ye'ers thruly, George
+Dooley.' He ain't that kind. 'Tis a nice day, an' he's there smokin' a
+good tin-cint see-gar, an' throwin' dice f'r th' dhrinks. He don't care
+whether we know what he's done or not. I'll bet ye, whin we come to find
+out about him, we'll hear he's ilicted himself king iv th' F'lip-ine
+Islands. Dooley th' Wanst. He'll be settin' up there undher a pa'm-three
+with naygurs fannin' him an' a dhrop iv licker in th' hollow iv his
+ar-rm, an' hootchy-kootchy girls dancin' befure him, an' ivry tin or
+twinty minyits some wan bringin' a prisoner in. 'Who's this?' says King
+Dooley. 'A Spanish gin'ral,' says th' copper. 'Give him a typewriter
+an' set him to wurruk,' says th' king. 'On with th' dance,' he says. An'
+afther awhile, whin he gits tired iv th' game, he'll write home an' say
+he's got the islands; an' he'll tur-rn thim over to th' gover'mint an'
+go back to his ship, an' Mark Hanna'll organize th' F'lip-ine Islands
+Jute an' Cider Comp'ny, an' th' rivolutchinists'll wish they hadn't.
+That's what'll happen. Mark me wurrud."
+
+
+
+
+ON SOME ARMY APPOINTMENTS.
+
+
+"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I didn't vote f'r Mack, but I'm with him
+now. I had me doubts whether he was th' gr-reatest military janius iv
+th' cinchry, but they'se no question about it. We go into this war, if
+we iver do go into it, with th' most fash'n-able ar-rmy that iver
+creased its pants. 'Twill be a daily hint fr'm Paris to th' crool foe.
+
+"Other gin'rals iv th' r-rough-house kind, like Napoleon Bonypart, th'
+impror iv th' Frinch, Gin'ral Ulis S. Grant, an' Cousin George Dooley,
+hired coarse, rude men that wudden't know th' diff'rence between goluf
+an' crokay, an' had their pants tucked in their boots an' chewed tobacco
+be th' pound. Thank Hivin, McKinley knows betther thin to sind th' likes
+iv thim abroad to shock our frinds be dumpin' their coffee into
+thimsilves fr'm a saucer.
+
+"Th' dure bell rings, an' a futman in liv'ry says: 'I'm Master Willie
+Dooselbery's man, an' he's come to be examined f'r th' army,' says he.
+'Admit him,' says McKinley; an' Master Willie enters, accompanied be his
+val-lay, his mah an' pah an' th' comity iv th' goluf club. 'Willie,'
+says th' Prisident, 'ye ar-re enthrin' upon a gloryous car-eer, an' 'tis
+nic'ssry that ye shud be thurly examined, so that ye can teach th'
+glories iv civilization to th' tyr-ranies iv Europe that is supported be
+ye'er pah an' mah,' he says. ''Twud be a tur-r'ble thing,' he says, 'if
+some day they shud meet a Spanish gin'ral in Mahdrid, an' have him say
+to thim, "I seen ye'er son Willie durin' th' war wearin' a stovepipe hat
+an' tan shoes." Let us begin th' examination,' he says. 'Ar-re ye a good
+goluf player?' 'I am,' says Willie. 'Thin I appint ye a liftnant. What
+we need in th' ar-rmy is good goluf players,' he says. 'In our former
+war,' he says, 'we had th' misfortune to have men in command that didn't
+know th' diff'rence between a goluf stick an' a beecycle; an' what was
+th' raysult? We foozled our approach at Bull R-run,' he says. 'Ar-re ye
+a mimber iv anny clubs?' he says. 'Four,' says Willie. 'Thin I make ye a
+major,' he says. 'Where d'ye get ye'er pants?' he says. 'Fr'm England,'
+says Willie. 'Gloryous,' says McKinley. 'I make ye a colonel,' he says.
+'Let me thry ye in tactics,' he says. 'Suppose ye was confronted be a
+Spanish ar-rmy in th' afthernoon, how wud ye dhress?' he says. 'I'd wear
+a stovepipe hat, a long coat, a white vest, an' lavender pants,' says
+Willie. 'An' if th' attack was be night?' he says. 'I'd put on me dhress
+shoot, an' go out to meet thim,' says Willie. 'A thuro sojer,' says
+McKinley. 'Suppose th' sociable lasted all night?' he says. 'I'd sound
+th' rethreat at daybreak, an' have me brave boys change back,' he says,
+'to suitable appar'l,' he says. 'Masterly,' says McKinley. 'I will sind
+ye'er name in as a brigadier-gin'ral,' he says. 'Thank Gawd, th'
+r-rich,' he says, 'is brave an' pathriotic,' he says. 'Ye will jine th'
+other boys fr'm th' club at Tampa,' he says. 'Ye shud be careful iv
+ye'er equipment,' he says. 'I have almost ivrything r-ready,' says
+Willie. 'Me man attinded to thim details,' he says. 'But I fear I can't
+go to th' fr-ront immejetly,' he says. 'Me pink silk pijammas hasn't
+arrived,' he says. 'Well,' says Mack,' 'wait f'r thim,' he says. 'I'm
+anxious f'r to ind this hor'ble war,' he says, 'which has cost me manny
+a sleepy night,' he says; 'but 'twud be a crime f'r to sind a sojer
+onprepared to battle,' he says. 'Wait f'r th' pijammas,' he says. 'Thin
+on to war,' he says; 'an' let ye'er watchword be, "Raymimber ye'er
+manners,"' he says.
+
+"'They'se a man out here,' says th' privit sicrity, 'that wants to see
+ye,' he says. 'He's a r-rough-lookin' charackter that was in th' Soo
+war,' he says. 'His name is Gin'ral Fiteum,' he says. 'Throw th' stiff
+out,' says Mack. 'I seen him in Pinnsylvania Avnoo yisterdah, r-ridin'
+in a sthreet ca-ar,' he says. 'Ah, Willie, me boy,' he says, ''tis
+little ye know what throuble I have fr'm these vulgar sojers with pants
+that bags at th' knees. Give me a goold-tipped cigareet, an' tell me
+whether shirt waists is much worn in New York this year.'
+
+"Yis, Hinnissy, we'll put th' tastiest ar-rmy in th' field that iver
+come out iv a millinery shop. 'Right dhress!' will be an ordher that'll
+mean somethin'. Th' ar-rmy'll be followed be specyal correspondints fr'm
+Butthrick's Pattherns an' Harper's Bazar; an', if our brave boys don't
+gore an' pleat th' inimy, 'twill be because th' inimy'll be r-rude
+enough to shoot in anny kind iv clothes they find on th' chair whin they
+wake up."
+
+
+
+
+ON STRATEGY.
+
+
+"A sthrateejan," said Mr. Dooley, in response to Mr. Hennessy's request
+for information, "is a champeen checker-player. Whin th' war broke out,
+me frind Mack wint to me frind Hanna, an' says he, 'What,' he says,
+'what can we do to cr-rush th' haughty power iv Spain,' he says, 'a'n
+br-ring this hateful war to a early conclusion?" he says. 'Mobilize th'
+checker-players,' says Hanna. An' fr'm all cor-rners iv th' counthry
+they've gone to Washin'ton, where they're called th' Sthrateejy Board.
+
+"Day an' night they set in a room with a checker-board on th' end iv a
+flour bar'l, an' study problems iv th' navy. At night Mack dhrops in.
+'Well, boys,' says he, 'how goes th' battle?' he says. 'Gloryous,' says
+th' Sthrateejy Board. 'Two more moves, an' we'll be in th' king row.'
+'Ah,' says Mack, 'this is too good to be thrue,' he says. 'In but a few
+brief minyits th' dhrinks'll be on Spain,' he says. 'Have ye anny plans
+f'r Sampson's fleet?' he says. 'Where is it?' says th' Sthrateejy
+Board. 'I dinnaw,' says Mack. 'Good,' says th' Sthrateejy Board.
+'Where's th' Spanish fleet?' says they. 'Bombardin' Boston, at Cadiz, in
+San June de Matzoon, sighted near th' gas-house be our special
+correspondint, copyright, 1898, be Mike O'Toole.' 'A sthrong position,'
+says th' Sthrateejy Board. 'Undoubtedly, th' fleet is headed south to
+attack and seize Armour's glue facthory. Ordher Sampson to sail north as
+fast as he can, an' lay in a supply iv ice. Th' summer's comin' on.
+Insthruct Schley to put on all steam, an' thin put it off again, an'
+call us up be telephone. R-rush eighty-three millyon throops an' four
+mules to Tampa, to Mobile, to Chickenmaha, to Coney Island, to Ireland,
+to th' divvle, an' r-rush thim back again. Don't r-rush thim. Ordher
+Sampson to pick up th' cable at Lincoln Par-rk, an' run into th' bar-rn.
+Is th' balloon corpse r-ready? It is? Thin don't sind it up. Sind it up.
+Have th' Mulligan Gyards co-op'rate with Gomez, an' tell him to cut
+away his whiskers. They've got tangled in th' riggin'. We need
+yellow-fever throops. Have ye anny yellow fever in th' house? Give it to
+twinty thousand three hundherd men, an' sind thim afther Gov'nor Tanner.
+Teddy Rosenfelt's r-rough r-riders ar-re downstairs, havin' their
+uniforms pressed. Ordher thim to th' goluf links at wanst. They must be
+no indecision. Where's Richard Harding Davis? On th' bridge iv the New
+York? Tur-rn th' bridge. Seize Gin'ral Miles' uniform. We must
+strengthen th' gold resarve. Where's th' Gussie? Runnin' off to Cuba
+with wan hundherd men an' ar-rms, iv coorse. Oh, war is a dhreadful
+thing. It's ye'er move, Claude,' says th' Sthrateejy Board.
+
+"An' so it goes on; an' day by day we r-read th' tur-rble story iv our
+brave sthrateejans sacrificin' their time on th' altar iv their
+counthry, as Hogan says. Little we thought, whin we wint into this war,
+iv th' horrors it wud bring. Little we thought iv th' mothers at home
+weepin' f'r their brave boys down at Washin'ton hur-rtin their poor
+eyes over a checker-board. Little we thought iv these devoted men, as
+Hogan says, with achin' heads, plannin' to sind three hundherd thousand
+millyon men an' a carload iv beans to their fate at Tampa, Fla. But some
+wan must be sacrificed, as Hogan says. An' these poor fellows in
+Washin'ton with their r-red eyes an' their tired backs will be an
+example to future ginerations, as Hogan says, iv how an American sojer
+can face his jooty whin he has to, an' how he can't whin he hasn't to."
+
+"Dewey ain't a sthrateejan?" inquired Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"No," said Mr. Dooley. "Cousin George is a good man, an' I'm very fond
+iv him,--more be raison iv his doin' that May-o bosthoon Pat Mountjoy,
+but he has low tastes. We niver cud make a sthrateejan iv him. They'se a
+kind iv a vulgar fightin' sthrain in him that makes him want to go out
+an' slug some wan wanst a month. I'm glad he ain't in Washin'ton. Th'
+chances ar-re he'd go to th' Sthrateejy Board and pull its hair."
+
+
+
+
+ON GENERAL MILES'S MOONLIGHT EXCURSION.
+
+
+"Dear, oh, dear," said Mr. Dooley, "I'd give five dollars--an' I'd kill
+a man f'r three--if I was out iv this Sixth Wa-ard to-night, an' down
+with Gin'ral Miles' gran' picnic an' moonlight excursion in Porther
+Ricky. 'Tis no comfort in bein' a cow'rd whin ye think iv thim br-rave
+la-ads facin' death be suffication in bokays an' dyin' iv waltzin' with
+th' pretty girls iv Porther Ricky.
+
+"I dinnaw whether Gin'ral Miles picked out th' job or whether 'twas
+picked out f'r him. But, annyhow, whin he got to Sandago de Cubia an'
+looked ar-round him, he says to his frind Gin'ral Shafter, 'Gin'ral,'
+says he, 'ye have done well so far,' he says. ''Tis not f'r me to take
+th' lorls fr'm th' steamin' brow iv a thrue hero,' he says. 'I lave ye
+here,' he says, 'f'r to complete th' victhry ye have so nobly begun,' he
+says. 'F'r you,' he says, 'th' wallop in th' eye fr'm th' newspaper
+rayporther, th' r-round robbing, an' th' sunsthroke,' he says, 'f'r me
+th' hardship iv th' battlefield, th' late dinner, th' theayter party,
+an' th' sickenin' polky,' he says. 'Gather,' he says, 'th' fruits iv
+ye'er bravery,' he says. 'Return,' he says, 'to ye'er native land, an'
+receive anny gratichood th' Sicrety iv War can spare fr'm his own
+fam'ly,' he says. 'F'r me,' he says, 'there is no way but f'r to tur-rn
+me back upon this festive scene,' he says, 'an' go where jooty calls
+me,' he says. 'Ordherly,' he says, 'put a bottle on th' ice, an' see
+that me goold pants that I wear with th' pale blue vest with th' di'mon
+buttons is irned out,' he says. An' with a haggard face he walked aboord
+th' excursion steamer, an' wint away.
+
+"I'd hate to tell ye iv th'thriles iv th' expedition, Hinnissy. Whin th'
+picnic got as far as Punch, on th' southern coast iv Porther Ricky,
+Gin'ral Miles gazes out, an' says he, 'This looks like a good place to
+hang th' hammicks, an' have lunch,' says he. 'Forward, brave men,' says
+he, 'where ye see me di'mon's sparkle,' says he. 'Forward, an' plant th'
+crokay ar-rches iv our beloved counthry,' he says. An' in they wint,
+like inthrepid warryors that they ar-re. On th' beach they was met be a
+diligation fr'm th' town of Punch, con-sistin' iv th' mayor, th' common
+council, th' polis an' fire departments, th' Gr-rand Ar-rmy iv th'
+Raypublic, an' prominent citizens in carredges. Gin'ral Miles, makin' a
+hasty tielet, advanced onflinchingly to meet thim. 'Gintlemen,' says he,
+'what can I do f'r ye?' he says. 'We come,' says th' chairman iv th'
+comity, 'f'r to offer ye,' he says, 'th' r-run iv th' town,' he says.
+'We have held out,' he says, 'as long as we cud,' he says. 'But,' he
+says, 'they'se a limit to human endurance,' he says. 'We can withstand
+ye no longer,' he says. 'We surrinder. Take us prisoners, an' rayceive
+us into ye'er gloryous an' well-fed raypublic,' he says. 'Br-rave men,'
+says Gin'ral Miles, 'I congratulate ye,' he says, 'on th' heeroism iv
+yer definse,' he says. 'Ye stuck manfully to yer colors, whativer they
+ar-re,' he says. 'I on'y wondher that ye waited f'r me to come befure
+surrindhrin,' he says. 'I welcome ye into th' Union,' he says. 'I don't
+know how th' Union'll feel about it, but that's no business iv mine,' he
+says. 'Ye will get ye'er wur-rkin-cards fr'm th' walkin' diligate,' he
+says; 'an' ye'll be entitled,' he says, 'to pay ye'er share iv th' taxes
+an' to live awhile an' die whin ye get r-ready,' he says, 'jus' th' same
+as if ye was bor-rn at home,' he says. 'I don't know th' names iv ye;
+but I'll call ye all Casey, f'r short,' he says. 'Put ye'er bokays in
+th' hammick,' he says, 'an' return to Punch,' he says; 'an' freeze
+somethin' f'r me,' he says, 'f'r me thrawt is parched with th' labors iv
+th' day,' he says. Th' r-rest iv th' avenin' was spint in dancin,'
+music, an' boat-r-ridin'; an' an inj'yable time was had.
+
+"Th' nex' day th' army moved on Punch; an' Gin'ral Miles marched into
+th' ill-fated city, preceded be flower-girls sthrewin' r-roses an'
+geranyums befure him. In th' afthernoon they was a lawn tinnis party,
+an' at night the gin'ral attinded a banket at th' Gran' Palace Hotel.
+At midnight he was serenaded be th' Raymimber th' Maine Banjo an'
+Mandolin Club. Th' entire popylace attinded, with pork chops in their
+buttonholes to show their pathreetism. Th' nex' day, afther breakfastin'
+with Mayor Casey, he set out on his weary march over th' r-rough,
+flower-strewn paths f'r San Joon. He has been in gr-reat purl fr'm a
+witherin' fire iv bokays, an' he has met an' overpowered some iv th'
+mos' savage orators in Porther Ricky; but, whin I las' heerd iv him, he
+had pitched his tents an' ice-cream freezers near the inimy's wall, an'
+was grajully silencin' thim with proclamations."
+
+"They'll kill him with kindness if he don't look out," said Mr.
+Hennessy.
+
+"I dinnaw about that," said Mr. Dooley; "but I know this, that there's
+th' makin' iv gr-reat statesmen in Porther Ricky. A proud people that
+can switch as quick as thim la-ads have nawthin' to larn in th' way iv
+what Hogan calls th' signs iv gover'mint, even fr'm th' Supreme Court."
+
+
+
+
+ON ADMIRAL DEWEY'S ACTIVITY.
+
+
+"If they don't catch up with him pretty soon," said Mr. Dooley, "he'll
+fight his way ar-round th' wurruld, an' come out through Barsaloona or
+Cades."
+
+"Who's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Me Cousin George, no less," said Mr. Dooley. "I suppose ye think th'
+war is over an' peace has rayturned jus' because Tiddy Rosenfelt is back
+home again an' th' sojers ar-re hungry in New York 'stead iv in Sandago.
+That's where ye'er wrong, Hinnissy. That's where ye'er wrong, me bucko.
+Th' war is not over till Cousin George stops fightin'. Th' Spanyards
+have had enough, but among thrue fightin' men it don't make anny
+diff'rence what th' feelin's iv th' la-ad undherneath may be. 'Tis whin
+th' man on top has had his fill iv fightin' that th' throuble's over,
+an' be the look iv things Cousin George has jus' begun to take tay.
+
+"Whin me frind Mack con-cluded 'twas time f'r us to stop fightin' an'
+begin skinning each other in what Hogan calls th' marts iv thrade, ye
+thought that ended it. So did Mack. He says, says he, 'Let us have
+peace,' he says. An' Mark Hanna came out iv' th' cellar, where he's been
+since Cousin George presinted his compliments to th' Ph'lippines an' wud
+they prefer to be kilt or dhrownded, an' pro-posals was made to bond th'
+Cubian pathrites, an' all th' deuces in th' deck begun to look like face
+car-rds again, whin suddently there comes a message fr'm Cousin George.
+'In pursooance iv ordhers that niver come,' he says, 'to-day th'
+squadhron undher my command knocked th' divvle out iv th' fortifications
+iv th' Ph'lippines, bombarded the city, an' locked up th' insurgent
+gin'ral. The gov'nor got away be swimmin' aboord a Dutch ship, an' th'
+Dutchman took him to Ding Dong. I'll attind to th' Dutchman some
+afthernoon whin I have nawthin'else to do. I'm settin' in the palace
+with me feet on th' pianny. Write soon. I won't get it. So no more at
+prisint, fr'm ye'er ol' frind an' well-wisher, George Dooley.'
+
+"How ar-re they goin' to stop him? How ar-re they goin' to stop him?
+There's Mack on th' shore bawlin' ordhers. 'Come back,' he says. 'Come
+back, I command ye,' he says. 'George, come back,' he says. 'Th' war is
+over,' he says. 'We're at peace with th' wurruld,' he says. 'George,' he
+says, 'George, be a good fellow,' he says. 'Lave up on thim,' he says.
+'Hivins an' earth, he's batin' that poor Spanyard with a pavin' block.
+George, George, ye break me hear-rt,' he says.
+
+"But George Dooley, he gives th' wink to his frinds, an' says he,
+'What's that man yellin' on th' shore about?' he says. 'Louder,' he
+says. 'I can't hear ye,' he says. 'Sing it,' he says. 'Write it to me on
+a postal ca-ard at Mahdrid,' he says. 'Don't stop me now,' he says.
+'This is me, busy day,' he says; an' away he goes with a piece iv lead
+pipe in wan hand an' a couplin' pin in th' other.
+
+"What'll we do with him? We can't catch up with him. He's goin' too
+fast. Mack's a week behind him ivry time he stops annywhere. He has
+sthrung a throlley acrost th' islands, an' he's climbin' mountains with
+his fleet. Th' on'y thing I see, Hinnissy, that Mack can do is to go
+east an' meet him comin' r-round. If he hurries, he'll sthrike him
+somewhere in Rooshia or Boohlgahria, an' say to him: 'George, th' war's
+over. Won't ye come home with me?' I think he'll listen to reason."
+
+"I think a man ought to stop fightin' whin th' war is ended," said Mr.
+Hennessy.
+
+"I dinnaw about that," said Mr. Dooley. "He started without askin' our
+lave, an' I don't see what we've got to do with th' way he finishes.
+'Tis a tur-rble thing to be a man iv high sperrits, an' not to know whin
+th' other fellow's licked."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE PHILIPPINES.
+
+
+"I know what I'd do if I was Mack," said Mr. Hennessy. "I'd hist a flag
+over th' Ph'lippeens, an' I'd take in th' whole lot iv thim."
+
+"An' yet," said Mr. Dooley, "tis not more thin two months since ye
+larned whether they were islands or canned goods. Ye'er back yard is so
+small that ye'er cow can't turn r-round without buttin' th' woodshed off
+th' premises, an' ye wudden't go out to th' stock yards without takin'
+out a policy on yer life. Suppose ye was standin' at th' corner iv State
+Sthreet an' Archey R-road, wud ye know what car to take to get to th'
+Ph'lippeens? If yer son Packy was to ask ye where th' Ph'lippeens is,
+cud ye give him anny good idea whether they was in Rooshia or jus' west
+iv th' thracks?"
+
+"Mebbe I cudden't," said Mr. Hennessy, haughtily, "but I'm f'r takin'
+thim in, annyhow."
+
+"So might I be," said Mr. Dooley, "if I cud on'y get me mind on it. Wan
+iv the worst things about this here war is th' way it's makin' puzzles
+f'r our poor, tired heads. Whin I wint into it, I thought all I'd have
+to do was to set up here behind th' bar with a good tin-cint see-gar in
+me teeth, an' toss dinnymite bombs into th' hated city iv Havana. But
+look at me now. Th' war is still goin' on; an' ivry night, whin I'm
+countin' up the cash, I'm askin' mesilf will I annex Cubia or lave it to
+the Cubians? Will I take Porther Ricky or put it by? An' what shud I do
+with the Ph'lippeens? Oh, what shud I do with thim? I can't annex thim
+because I don't know where they ar-re. I can't let go iv thim because
+some wan else'll take thim if I do. They are eight thousan' iv thim
+islands, with a popylation iv wan hundherd millyon naked savages; an' me
+bedroom's crowded now with me an' th' bed. How can I take thim in, an'
+how on earth am I goin' to cover th' nakedness iv thim savages with me
+wan shoot iv clothes? An' yet 'twud break me heart to think iv givin'
+people I niver see or heerd tell iv back to other people I don't know.
+An', if I don't take thim, Schwartzmeister down th' sthreet, that has
+half me thrade already, will grab thim sure.
+
+"It ain't that I'm afraid iv not doin' th' r-right thing in th' end,
+Hinnissy. Some mornin' I'll wake up an' know jus' what to do, an' that
+I'll do. But 'tis th' annoyance in th' mane time. I've been r-readin'
+about th' counthry. 'Tis over beyant ye'er left shoulder whin ye're
+facin' east. Jus' throw ye'er thumb back, an' ye have it as ac'rate as
+anny man in town. 'Tis farther thin Boohlgahrya an' not so far as
+Blewchoochoo. It's near Chiny, an' it's not so near; an', if a man was
+to bore a well through fr'm Goshen, Indianny, he might sthrike it, an'
+thin again he might not. It's a poverty-sthricken counthry, full iv
+goold an' precious stones, where th' people can pick dinner off th'
+threes an' ar-re starvin' because they have no step-ladders. Th'
+inhabitants is mostly naygurs an' Chinnymen, peaceful, industhrus, an'
+law-abidin', but savage an' bloodthirsty in their methods. They wear no
+clothes except what they have on, an' each woman has five husbands an'
+each man has five wives. Th' r-rest goes into th' discard, th' same as
+here. Th' islands has been ownded be Spain since befure th' fire; an'
+she's threated thim so well they're now up in ar-rms again her, except a
+majority iv thim which is thurly loyal. Th' natives seldom fight, but
+whin they get mad at wan another they r-run-a-muck. Whin a man
+r-runs-a-muck, sometimes they hang him an' sometimes they discharge him
+an' hire a new motorman. Th' women ar-re beautiful, with languishin'
+black eyes, an' they smoke see-gars, but ar-re hurried an' incomplete in
+their dhress. I see a pitcher iv wan th' other day with nawthin' on her
+but a basket of cocoanuts an' a hoop-skirt. They're no prudes. We import
+juke, hemp, cigar wrappers, sugar, an' fairy tales fr'm th' Ph'lippeens,
+an' export six-inch shells an' th' like. Iv late th' Ph'lippeens has
+awaked to th' fact that they're behind th' times, an' has received much
+American amminition in their midst. They say th' Spanyards is all tore
+up about it.
+
+"I larned all this fr'm th' papers, an' I know 'tis sthraight. An' yet,
+Hinnissy, I dinnaw what to do about th' Ph'lippeens. An' I'm all alone
+in th' wurruld. Ivrybody else has made up his mind. Ye ask anny
+con-ducthor on Ar-rchy R-road, an' he'll tell ye. Ye can find out fr'm
+the papers; an', if ye really want to know, all ye have to do is to ask
+a prom'nent citizen who can mow all th' lawn he owns with a safety
+razor. But I don't know."
+
+"Hang on to thim," said Mr. Hennessy, stoutly. "What we've got we must
+hold."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if I was Mack, I'd lave it to George. I'd say:
+'George,' I'd say, 'if ye're f'r hangin' on, hang on it is. If ye say,
+lave go, I dhrop thim.' 'Twas George won thim with th' shells, an' th'
+question's up to him."
+
+
+
+
+ON PRAYERS FOR VICTORY.
+
+
+"It looks to me," said Mr. Dooley, "as though me frind Mack'd got tired
+iv th' Sthrateejy Board, an' was goin' to lave th' war to th' men in
+black."
+
+"How's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy, who has at best but a clouded view of
+public affairs.
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "while th' sthrateejans have been wearin' out
+their jeans on cracker-boxes in Wash'n'ton, they'se been goin' on th'
+mos' deadly conflict iver heerd tell iv between th' pow'rful preachin'
+navies iv th' two counthries. Manila is nawthin' at all to th' scenes iv
+carnage an' slaughter, as Hogan says, that's been brought about be these
+desthroyers. Th' Spanyards fired th' openin' gun whin th' bishop iv
+Cades, a pow'rful turreted monitor (ol' style), attackted us with both
+for'ard guns, an' sint a storm iv brimstone an' hell into us. But th'
+victhry was not f'r long with th' hated Spanyard. He was answered be
+our whole fleet iv preachers. Thin he was jined be th' bishop iv
+Barsaloona an' th' bishop iv Mahdrid an' th' bishop iv Havana, all
+battle-ships iv th' first class, followed be a fleet iv cruisers
+r-runnin' all th' way fr'm a full-ar-rmored vicar gin'ral to a protected
+parish priest. To meet thim, we sint th' bishop iv New York, th' bishop
+iv Philadelphia, th' bishop iv Baltimore, an' th' bishop iv Chicago,
+accompanied be a flyin' squadhron iv Methodists, three Presbyteryan
+monitors, a fleet iv Baptist submarine desthroyers, an' a formidable
+array iv Universalist an' Unitaryan torpedo boats, with a Jew r-ram.
+Manetime th' bishop iv Manila had fired a solid prayer, weighin' a ton,
+at San Francisco; an' a masked batthry iv Congregationalists replied,
+inflictin' severe damage. Our Atlantic fleet is now sarchin' f'r th'
+inimy, an' the bishop iv New York is blockadin' th' bishop iv Sandago de
+Cuba; an' they'se been an exchange iv prayers between th' bishop iv
+Baltimore an' th' bishop iv Havana without much damage.
+
+"Th' Lord knows how it'll come out. First wan side prays that th' wrath
+iv Hiven'll descind on th' other, an' thin th' other side returns th'
+compliment with inthrest. Th' Spanish bishop says we're a lot iv
+murdherin', irreligious thieves, an' ought to be swept fr'm th' face iv
+th' earth. We say his people ar-re th' same, an' manny iv thim. He
+wishes Hivin to sink our ships an' desthroy our men; an' we hope he'll
+injye th' same gr-reat blessin'. We have a shade th' best iv him, f'r
+his fleets ar-re all iv th' same class an' ol' style, an' we have some
+iv th' most modhern prayin' machines in the warruld; but he prays
+har-rd, an' 'tis no aisy wurruk to silence him."
+
+"What d'ye think about it?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I dinnaw jus' what to think iv it. Me own idee
+is that war is not a matther iv prayers so much as a matther iv
+punchin'; an' th' on'y place a prayer book stops a bullet is in th'
+story books. 'Tis like what Father Kelly said. Three weeks ago las'
+Sundah he met Hogan; an' Hogan, wantin' to be smart, ast him if he'd
+offered up prayers f'r th' success iv th' cause. 'Faith, I did not,'
+says th' good man. 'I was in too much iv a hurry to get away.' 'What was
+th' matther?' ast Hogan. 'I had me uniform to brush up an' me soord to
+polish,' says Father Kelly. 'I am goin' with th' rig'mint to-morrah,' he
+says; an' he says, 'If ye hear iv me waitin' to pray,' he says, 'anny
+time they'se a call f'r me,' he says, 'to be in a fight,' he says, 'ye
+may conclude,' he says, 'that I've lost me mind, an' won't be back to me
+parish,' he says. 'Hogan,' he says, 'I'll go into th' battle with a
+prayer book in wan hand an' a soord in th' other,' he says; 'an' if th'
+wurruk calls f'r two hands, 'tis not th' soord I'll dhrop,' he says.
+'Don't ye believe in prayer?' says Hogan. 'I do,' says th' good man;
+'but,' he says, 'a healthy person ought,' he says, 'to be ashamed,' he
+says, 'to ask f'r help in a fight,' he says."
+
+"That's th' way I look at it," said Mr. Hennessy. "When 'tis an aven
+thing in th' prayin', may th' best man win."
+
+"Ye're r-right, Hinnissy," said Mr. Dooley, warmly. "Ye're r-right. An'
+th' best man will win."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE ANGLO-SAXON.
+
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I see be th' pa-apers that th' snow-white
+pigeon iv peace have tied up th' dogs iv war. It's all over now. All
+we've got to do is to arrest th' pathrites an' make th' reconcenthradios
+pay th' stamp tax, an' be r-ready f'r to take a punch at Germany or
+France or Rooshia or anny counthry on th' face iv th' globe.
+
+"An' I'm glad iv it. This war, Hinnissy, has been a gr-reat sthrain on
+me. To think iv th' suffrin' I've endured! F'r weeks I lay awake at
+nights fearin' that th' Spanish ar-rmadillo'd lave the Cape Verde
+Islands, where it wasn't, an' take th' thrain out here, an' hur-rl death
+an' desthruction into me little store. Day be day th' pitiless exthries
+come out an' beat down on me. Ye hear iv Teddy Rosenfelt plungin' into
+ambus-cades an' Sicrity iv Wars; but d'ye hear iv Martin Dooley, th' man
+behind th' guns, four thousan' miles behind thim, an' willin' to be
+further? They ar-re no bokays f'r me. I'm what Hogan calls wan iv th'
+mute, ingloryous heroes iv th' war; an' not so dam mute, ayther. Some
+day, Hinnissy, justice'll be done me, an' th' likes iv me; an', whin th'
+story iv a gr-reat battle is written, they'll print th' kilt, th'
+wounded, th' missin', an' th' seryously disturbed. An' thim that have
+bore thimsilves well an' bravely an' paid th' taxes an' faced th' deadly
+newspa-apers without flinchin' 'll be advanced six pints an' given a
+chanst to tur-rn jack f'r th' game.
+
+"But me wurruk ain't over jus' because Mack has inded th' war an' Teddy
+Rosenfelt is comin' home to bite th' Sicrety iv War. You an' me,
+Hinnissy, has got to bring on this here Anglo-Saxon 'lieance. An
+Anglo-Saxon, Hinnissy, is a German that's forgot who was his parents.
+They're a lot iv thim in this counthry. There must be as manny as two in
+Boston: they'se wan up in Maine, an' another lives at Bogg's Ferry in
+New York State, an' dhrives a milk wagon. Mack is an Anglo-Saxon. His
+folks come fr'm th' County Armagh, an' their naytional Anglo-Saxon hymn
+is 'O'Donnell Aboo.' Teddy Rosenfelt is another Anglo-Saxon. An' I'm an
+Anglo-Saxon. I'm wan iv th' hottest Anglo-Saxons that iver come out iv
+Anglo-Saxony. Th' name iv Dooley has been th' proudest Anglo-Saxon name
+in th' County Roscommon f'r many years.
+
+"Schwartzmeister is an Anglo-Saxon, but he doesn't know it, an' won't
+till some wan tells him. Pether Bowbeen down be th' Frinch church is
+formin' th' Circle Francaize Anglo-Saxon club, an' me ol' frind Dominigo
+that used to boss th' Ar-rchey R-road wagon whin Callaghan had th'
+sthreet conthract will march at th' head iv th' Dago Anglo-Saxons whin
+th' time comes. There ar-re twinty thousan' Rooshian Jews at a quarther
+a vote in th' Sivinth Ward; an', ar-rmed with rag hooks, they'd be a
+tur-rble thing f'r anny inimy iv th' Anglo-Saxon 'lieance to face. Th'
+Bohemians an' Pole Anglo-Saxons may be a little slow in wakin' up to
+what th' pa-apers calls our common hurtage, but ye may be sure they'll
+be all r-right whin they're called on. We've got together an
+Anglo-Saxon 'lieance in this wa-ard, an' we're goin' to ilict Sarsfield
+O'Brien prisidint, Hugh O'Neill Darsey vice-prisidint, Robert Immitt
+Clancy sicrety, an' Wolfe Tone Malone three-asurer. O'Brien'll be a good
+wan to have. He was in the Fenian r-raid, an' his father carrid a pike
+in forty-eight. An' he's in th' Clan. Besides, he has a sthrong pull
+with th' Ancient Ordher iv Anglo-Saxon Hibernyans.
+
+"I tell ye, whin th' Clan an' th' Sons iv Sweden an' th' Banana Club an'
+th' Circle Francaize an' th' Pollacky Benivolent Society an' th'
+Rooshian Sons of Dinnymite an' th' Benny Brith an' th' Coffee Clutch
+that Schwartzmeister r-runs an' th' Tur-rnd'ye-mind an' th' Holland
+society an' th' Afro-Americans an' th' other Anglo-Saxons begin f'r to
+raise their Anglo-Saxon battle-cry, it'll be all day with th' eight or
+nine people in th' wurruld that has th' misfortune iv not bein' brought
+up Anglo-Saxons."
+
+"They'se goin' to be a debate on th' 'lieance at th' ninety-eight picnic
+at Ogden's gr-rove," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"P'r'aps," said Mr. Dooley, sweetly, "ye might like to borry th' loan iv
+an ice-pick."
+
+
+
+
+ON A LETTER FROM THE FRONT.
+
+
+Mr. Dooley looked important, but affected indifference, as he mopped the
+bar. Mr. Hennessy, who had learned to study his friend in order to
+escape disagreeable complications, patiently waited for the philosopher
+to speak. Mr. Dooley rubbed the bar to the end, tossed the cloth into a
+mysterious recess with a practised movement, moved a glass or two on the
+shelf, cleaned his spectacles, and drew a letter from his pocket.
+
+"Hm-m!" he said: "I have news fr'm th' fr-ront. Me nevvew, Terry
+Donahue, has sint me a letther tellin' me all about it."
+
+"How shud he know?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
+
+"How shud he know, is it?" Mr. Dooley demanded warmly. "How shudden't he
+know? Isn't he a sojer in th' ar-rmy? Isn't it him that's down there in
+Sandago fightin' f'r th' honor iv th' flag, while th' likes iv you is
+up here livin' like a prince, an' doin' nawthin' all th' livelong day
+but shovel at th' rollin'-mills? Who are ye f'r to criticize th'
+dayfinders iv our counthry who ar-re lyin' in th' trinches, an' havin'
+th' clothes stole off their backs be th' pathriotic Cubians, I'd like to
+know? F'r two pins, Hinnissy, you an' I'd quarrel."
+
+"I didn't mean nawthin'," Mr. Hennessy apologized. "I didn't know he was
+down there."
+
+"Nayether did I," said Mr. Dooley. "But I informed mesilf. I'll have no
+wan in this place speak again th' ar-rmy. Ye can have ye'er say about
+Mack. He has a good job, an' 'tis r-right an' proper f'r to baste him
+fr'm time to time. It shows ye'er in good thrim, an' it don't hur-rt
+him. They'se no wan to stop his pay. He goes up to th' cashier an'
+dhraws his forty-wan-sixty-six jus' th' same whether he's sick or well,
+an' whether he's pulled th' box reg-lar or has been playin' forty-fives
+in th' back room. But whin ye come to castin' aspersions on th' ar'rmy,
+be hivens, ye'll find that I can put me thumb on this showcase an' go
+over at wan lep."
+
+"I didn't say annything," said Mr. Hennessy. "I didn't know about
+Terry."
+
+"Iv coorse, ye didn't," said Mr. Dooley. "An' that's what I'm sayin'.
+Ye're here wallowin' in luxury, wheelin' pig ir'n fr'm morn till night;
+an' ye have no thought iv what's goin' on beyant. You an' Jawn D.
+Rockefeller an' Phil Ar-rmour an' Jay Pierpont Morgan an' th' r-rest iv
+ye is settin' back at home figurin' how ye can make some wan else pay
+ye'er taxes f'r ye. What is it to ye that me nevvew Terry is sleepin' in
+ditch wather an' atin' hard tacks an' coffee an' bein' r-robbed be
+leeber Cubians, an' catchin' yallow fever without a chanst iv givin' it
+to e'er a Spanyard. Ye think more iv a stamp thin ye do iv ye'er
+counthry. Ye're like th' Sugar Thrust. F'r two cints ye'd refuse to
+support th' govermint. I know ye, ye bloated monno-polist."
+
+"I'm no such thing," said Mr. Hennessy, hotly. "I've been a Dimmycrat
+f'r thirty year."
+
+"Well, annyhow," said Mr. Dooley, "don't speak disrayspictful iv th'
+ar-rmy. Lave me r-read you Terry's letter fr'm th' fr-ront. 'M--m: In
+th' trinches, two miles fr'm Sandago, with a land crab as big as a
+lobster crawlin' up me back be way iv Kingston, June 6, Dear Uncle
+Martin.' That's th' way it begins. 'Dear Uncle Martin: We are all well
+here, except thim that is not, an' hope ye're injyin' th' same gr-reat
+blessin'. It's hotter down here thin Billy-be-dam'd. They'se a
+rollin'-mill near here jus' th' same as at home, but all th' hands is
+laid off on account iv bad times. They used ol'-fashioned wooden
+wheelbahrs an' fired with wood. I don't think they cud handle th' pig
+th' way we done, bein' small la-ads. Th' coke has to be hauled up in
+sacks be th' gang. Th' derrick hands got six a week, but hadn't anny
+union. Helpers got four twinty. Puddlers was well paid. I wint through
+th' plant befure we come up here, an' r-run a wagon up th' plank jus'
+to keep me hand in. Tell me frinds that wan gang iv good la-ads fr'm th'
+r-road cud wurruk anny three iv th' gangs down here. Th' mills is owned
+be Rockefellar, so no more at prisint fr'm yer affecshunate nevvew,
+Peter Casey, who's writin' this f'r me.'"
+
+"'Tis a good letter," said Mr. Hennessy. "I don't see how they cud get
+derrick hands f'r six a week."
+
+"Me frind Jawn D. knows how," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+
+
+
+ON OUR CUBAN ALLIES.
+
+
+"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "dam thim Cubians! If I was Gin'ral
+Shafter, I'd back up th' wagon in front iv th' dure, an' I'd say to
+Gin'ral Garshy, I'd say, 'I want you'; an' I'd have thim all down at th'
+station an' dacently booked be th' desk sergeant befure th' fall iv
+night. Th' impydince iv thim!"
+
+"What have they been doin'?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
+
+"Failin' to undherstand our civilization," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye see, it
+was this way. This is th' way it was: Gin'ral Garshy with wan hundherd
+thousan' men's been fightin' bravely f'r two years f'r to liberyate
+Cubia. F'r two years he's been marchin' his sivinty-five thousan' men up
+an' down th' island, desthroyin' th' haughty Spanyard be th' millyons.
+Whin war was declared, he offered his own sarvice an' th' sarvices iv
+his ar-rmy iv fifty thousan' men to th' United States; an', while
+waitin' f'r ships to arrive, he marched at th' head iv his tin thousan'
+men down to Sandago de Cuba an' captured a cigar facthry, which they
+soon rayjooced to smokin' ruins. They was holdin' this position--Gin'ral
+Garshy an' his gallant wan thousan' men--whin Gin'ral Shafter arrived.
+Gin'ral Garshy immedjitly offered th' sarvices iv himsilf an' his two
+hundherd men f'r th' capture iv Sandago; an', when Gin'ral Shafter
+arrived, there was Gin'ral Garshy with his gallant band iv fifty
+Cubians, r-ready to eat at a minyit's notice.
+
+"Gin'ral Shafter is a big, coorse, two-fisted man fr'm Mitchigan, an',
+whin he see Gin'ral Garshy an' his twinty-five gallant followers,
+'Fr-ront,' says he. 'This way,' he says, 'step lively,' he says, 'an'
+move some iv these things,' he says. 'Sir,' says Gin'ral Garshy, 'd'ye
+take me f'r a dhray?' he says. 'I'm a sojer,' he says, 'not a baggage
+car,' he says. 'I'm a Cubian pathrite, an' I'd lay down me life an' the
+lives iv ivry wan iv th' eighteen brave men iv me devoted ar-rmy,' he
+says; 'but I'll be dam'd if I carry a thrunk,' he says. 'I'll fight
+whiniver 'tis cool,' he says, 'an' they ain't wan iv these twelve men
+here that wudden't follow me to hell if they was awake at th' time,' he
+says; 'but,' he says, 'if 'twas wurruk we were lookin' f'r, we cud have
+found it long ago,' he says. 'They'se a lot iv it in this counthry that
+nobody's usin',' he says. 'What we want,' he says, 'is freedom,' he
+says; 'an', if ye think we have been in th' woods dodgin' th' savage
+corryspondint f'r two year,' he says, 'f'r th' sake iv r-rushin' yer
+laundhry home,' he says, ''tis no wondher,' he says, 'that th' r-roads
+fr'm Marinette to Kalamazoo is paved with goold bricks bought be th'
+people iv ye'er native State,' he says.
+
+"So Shafter had to carry his own thrunk; an' well it was f'r him that it
+wasn't Gin'ral Miles', the weather bein' hot. An' Shafter was mad clear
+through; an', whin he took hold iv Sandago, an' was sendin' out
+invitations, he scratched Garshy. Garshy took his gallant band iv six
+back to th' woods; an' there th' three iv thim ar-re now, ar-rmed with
+forty r-rounds iv canned lobster, an' ready to raysist to th' death. Him
+an' th' other man has written to Gin'ral Shafter to tell him what they
+think iv him, an' it don't take long."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "I think Shafter done wrong. He might've
+asked Garshy in f'r to see th' show, seein' that he's been hangin'
+ar-round f'r a long time, doin' th' best he cud."
+
+"It isn't that," explained Mr. Dooley. "Th' throuble is th' Cubians
+don't undherstand our civilization. Over here freedom means hard wurruk.
+What is th' ambition iv all iv us, Hinnissy? 'Tis ayether to hold our
+job or to get wan. We want wurruk. We must have it. D'ye raymimber th'
+sign th' mob carrid in th' procession las' year? 'Give us wurruk, or we
+perish,' it said. They had their heads bate in be polismen because no
+philan-thropist'd come along an' make thim shovel coal. Now, in Cubia,
+whin th' mobs turns out, they carry a banner with the wurruds, 'Give us
+nawthin' to do, or we perish.' Whin a Cubian comes home at night with a
+happy smile on his face, he don't say to his wife an' childher, 'Thank
+Gawd, I've got wurruk at last!' He says, 'Thank Gawd, I've been fired.'
+An' th' childher go out, and they say, 'Pah-pah has lost his job.' And
+Mrs. Cubian buys hersilf a new bonnet; and where wanst they was sorrow
+an' despair all is happiness an' a cottage organ.
+
+"Ye can't make people here undherstand that, an' ye can't make a Cubian
+undherstand that freedom means th' same thing as a pinitinchry sintince.
+Whin we thry to get him to wurruk, he'll say: 'Why shud I? I haven't
+committed anny crime.' That's goin' to be th' throuble. Th' first thing
+we know we'll have another war in Cubia whin we begin disthributin' good
+jobs, twelve hours a day, wan sivinty-five. Th' Cubians ain't civilized
+in our way. I sometimes think I've got a touch iv Cubian blood in me own
+veins."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE DESTRUCTION OF CERVERA'S FLEET.
+
+
+     [These comments were made by Mr. Dooley during a strike of the
+     stereotypers, which caused the English newspapers of Chicago
+     temporarily to suspend publication.]
+
+"I hear," said Mr. Hennessy, "that th' stereopticons on th' newspapers
+have sthruck."
+
+"I sh'd think they wud," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' las' time I was down town
+was iliction night, whin Charter Haitch's big la-ad was ilicted, an'
+they was wurrukin' th' stereopticons till they was black in th' face.
+What's th' news?"
+
+"Th' What Cheer, Ioway, Lamp iv Freedom is on th' sthreets with a
+tillygram that Shafter has captured Sandago de Cuba, an' is now settin'
+on Gin'ral Pando's chest with his hands in his hair. But this is denied
+be th' Palo Gazoot, the Macoupin County Raygisther, an' th' Meridyan
+Sthreet Afro-American. I also see be th' Daily Scoor Card, th' Wine
+List, th' Deef Mute's Spokesman, th' Morgue Life, the Bill iv Fare, th'
+Stock Yards Sthraight Steer, an' Jack's Tips on th' Races, the on'y
+daily paper printed in Chicago, that Sampson's fleet is in th' Suez
+Canal bombarding Cades. Th' Northwestern Christyan Advycate says this is
+not thrue, but that George Dixon was outpointed be an English boxer in a
+twinty-r-round go in New York."
+
+"Ye've got things mixed up," said Mr. Dooley. "I get th' news sthraight.
+'Twas this way. Th' Spanish fleet was bottled up in Sandago Harbor, an'
+they dhrew th' cork. That's a joke. I see it in th' pa-apers. Th'
+gallant boys iv th' navy was settin' out on th' deck, defindin' their
+counthry an' dhrawin' three ca-ards apiece, whin th' Spanish admiral
+con-cluded 'twud be better f'r him to be desthroyed on th' ragin' sea,
+him bein' a sailor, thin to have his fleet captured be cav'lry. Annyhow,
+he was willin' to take a chance; an' he says to his sailors:
+'Spanyards,' he says, 'Castiles,' he says, 'we have et th' las'
+bed-tick,' he says; 'an', if we stay here much longer,' he says, 'I'll
+have to have a steak off th' armor plate fried f'r ye,' he says. 'Lave
+us go out where we can have a r-run f'r our money,' he says. An' away
+they wint. I'll say this much f'r him, he's a brave man, a dam brave
+man. I don't like a Spanyard no more than ye do, Hinnissy. I niver see
+wan. But, if this here man was a--was a Zulu, I'd say he was a brave
+man. If I was aboord wan iv thim yachts that was convarted, I'd go to
+this here Cervera, an' I'd say: 'Manuel,' I'd say, 'ye're all right, me
+boy. Ye ought to go to a doctor an' have ye'er eyes re-set, but ye're a
+good fellow. Go downstairs,' I'd say, 'into th' basemint iv the ship,'
+I'd say, 'an' open th' cupboard jus' nex' to th' head iv th' bed, an'
+find th' bottle marked "Floridy Wather," an' threat ye'ersilf kindly.'
+That's what I'd say to Cervera. He's all right.
+
+"Well, whin our boys see th' Spanish fleet comin' out iv th' harbor,
+they gathered on th' deck an' sang th' naytional anthem, 'They'll be a
+hot time in th' ol' town to-night.' A liftnant come up to where Admiral
+Sampson was settin' playin' sivin up with Admiral Schley. 'Bill,' he
+says, 'th' Spanish fleet is comin' out,' he says. 'What talk have ye?'
+says Sampson. 'Sind out some row-boats an' a yacht, an' desthroy thim.
+Clubs is thrumps,' he says, and he wint on playin'. Th' Spanish fleet
+was attackted on all sides be our br-rave la-ads, nobly assisted be th'
+dispatch boats iv the newspapers. Wan by wan they was desthroyed. Three
+battle-ships attackted th' convarted yacht Gloucester. Th' Gloucester
+used to be owned be Pierpont Morgan; but 'twas convarted, an' is now
+leadin' a dacint life. Th' Gloucester sunk thim all, th' Christobell
+Comma, the Viscera, an' th' Admiral O'Quinn. It thin wint up to two
+Spanish torpedo boats an' giv thim wan punch, an' away they wint. Be
+this time th' sojers had heerd of the victhry, an' they gathered on th'
+shore, singin' th' naytional anthem, 'They'll be a hot time in th' ol'
+town to-night, me babby.' Th' gloryous ol' chune, to which Washington
+an' Grant an' Lincoln marched, was took up be th' sailors on th' ships,
+an' Admiral Cervera r-run wan iv his boats ashore, an' jumped into th'
+sea. At last accounts th' followin' dispatches had been received: 'To
+Willum McKinley: Congratulations on ye'er noble victhry. (Signed) Willum
+McKinley.' 'To Russell A. Alger: Ye done splendid. (Signed) Russell A.
+Alger.' 'To James Wilson, Sicrety iv Agriculture: This is a gr-reat day
+f'r Ioway. Ar-re ye much hur-rted? (Signed) James Wilson.'"
+
+"Where did ye hear all this?" asked Mr. Hennessy, in great amazement.
+
+"I r-read it," said Mr. Dooley, impressively, "in the Staats Zeitung."
+
+
+
+
+ON A LETTER TO MR. DEPEW.
+
+
+"I usen't to know," said Mr. Dooley, "what me frind Gin'ral Sherman
+meant whin he said that thing about war. I've been through two iv thim,
+not to speak iv convintions an' prim'ries, an' divvle th' bit iv har-rm
+come to me no more thin if I was settin' on a roof playin' an accorjeen.
+But I know now what th' ol' la-ad meant. He meant war was hell whin
+'twas over.
+
+"I ain't heerd anny noise fr'm th' fellows that wint into threnches an'
+plugged th' villyanious Spanyard. Most iv thim is too weak to kick. But
+th' proud an' fearless pathrites who restrained thimsilves, an' didn't
+go to th' fr-ront, th' la-ads that sthruggled hard with their warlike
+tindincies, an' fin'lly downed thim an' stayed at home an' practised up
+upon th' typewriter, they're ragin' an' tearin' an' desthroyin' their
+foes.
+
+"Did ye see what me frind Alger wrote to Chansy Depoo? Well, sir, Alger
+has been misthreated. There's a good man. I say he's a good man. An' he
+is, too. At anny thrick fr'm shingles to two-be-fours he's as good as
+th' best. But no wan apprechated Alger. No wan undherstud him. No wan
+even thried to. Day be day he published th' private letters iv other
+people, an' that didn't throw anny light on his charackter. Day be day
+he had his pitchers took, an' still th' people didn't get onto th'
+cur-rves iv him. Day be day he chatted iv th' turrors iv war, an' still
+people on'y said: 'An' Alger also r-ran.' But th' time come whin Alger
+cud contain himsilf no longer, an' he set down an' wrote to Chansy
+Depoo.
+
+"'Mr. Chansy Depot, care iv Grand Cintral Depew, New York, N.Y.,
+Esquire. Dear Chanse: I've been expectin' a letter fr'm ye f'r three or
+four days. In reply to same will say: Oh, Chanse, ye don't know how I
+suffer. I'm that low in me mind I feel like a bunch iv lathes. Oh, dear,
+to think iv what I've gone through. I wint into th' war onprepared. I
+had on'y so many r-rounds iv catridges an' a cross-cut saw, an' I
+failed to provide mesilf with th' ord'nary necessities iv life. But, in
+spite iv me deficiencies, I wint bravely ahead. Th' sthrain was
+something tur-r'ble on me. Me mind give out repeatedly. I cud not think
+at times, but I niver faltered. In two months I had enough supplies
+piled up in Maine to feed ivry sojer in Cubia. They were thousands iv
+r-rounds iv catridges f'r ivry rig'mint, and all th' rig'mints had to do
+was to write f'r thim. Th' navy had taken Manila an' Cervera's fleet,
+an' th' ar-rmy had taken Sandago an' th' yellow fever. Th' war is over,
+an' peace wanst more wags her wings over th' counthry. Pine scantlings
+is quoted sthrong. Ivrywhere is peace an' contint. Me photographs are on
+sale at all first-class newsdealers. Yet there is no ca'm f'r me.
+Onthinkin' wans insult me. They tell me a sojer can't ate gin'ral
+ordhers. They want me to raysign an' go back to me humble home in
+Mitchigan. Disgustin' men that've done nawthin' but get thimsilves
+shot, ask f'r milk an' quinine. They'll be askin' me to carry food
+to thim nex'. Oh, Chanse, oh, hivens, ye can't know how grieved I
+am! Rather wud I have perished in a logjam thin to've indured this
+ingratichood. But, in lookin' back over me past life, I can think
+iv no wrong I've done. If me mim'ry is at fault, please note. Me
+car-eer is an open book. I've held nawthin' back fr'm th' public,
+not even whin 'twas mar-rked private. I can say with th' pote that
+I done me jooty. But, oh, Chanse! don't iver aspire to my job. Be
+sicrety of war, if ye will; but niver be sicrety iv A war. Do not
+offer this letter to th' newspapers. Make thim take it. How's
+things goin' with ye, ol' pal? I hope to see ye at th' seaside.
+Till thin, I'm yours, sick at heart, but atin' reg'lar.    RUSS.'"
+
+"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "th' poor man must've had a har-rd time iv
+it."
+
+"He did," said Mr. Dooley. "Niver laid his head to a pillow before
+eight, up with th' moon: he's suffered as no man can tell. But he'll be
+all r-right whin his mind's at r-rest."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE PRESIDENT'S CAT.
+
+
+"'Twas this way about Dr. Huckenlooper. Mack has a cat that was give him
+f'r a Chris'mas prisint be me frind Pierpont Morgan, an' th' cat was a
+gr-reat favor-ite in th' White House. 'Twas as quite as th' Sicrety iv
+Agriculture an' as affectionate as th' Sicrety iv th' Three-asury. Th'
+cat was called Goold Bonds, because iv th' inthrest he dhrew. He very
+often played with th' Sicrety iv th' Navy, an' ivry wan that come to th'
+White House f'r a job loved him.
+
+"But wan day Goold Bonds begun to look bad. He cudden't ate th' r-rich
+crame out iv th' di'mon'-studded saucer. He stopped castin' an eye at
+th' c'nary in th' cage. Whin th' Sicrety iv th' Navy wint down f'r to
+play with him, Goold Bonds spit at that good an' gr-reat man. Mack was
+shavin' himsilf befure th' lookin'-glass, an' had jus' got his face
+pulled r-round to wan side f'r a good gash, whin he heerd a scream iv
+ag'ny behind him, an' tur-rned to see Goold Bonds leap up with his paws
+on his stomach an' hit th' ceilin'. Mack give a cry iv turror, an'
+grabbed at Goold Bonds. Away wint Goold Bonds through th' house. Th'
+Sicrety iv War seen him comin', an' called, 'Pussy, pussy.' Goold Bonds
+wint through his legs, an' galloped f'r where th' Postmaster-gin'ral was
+settin' editin' his pa-aper. Th' Postmaster-gin'ral had jus' got as far
+as 'we opine,' whin he see Goold Bonds, an' he bate th' cat to th' windy
+be a whisker.
+
+"Well, Goold Bonds ended up in th' coal cellar, an' they was a cab'net
+council f'r to see what was to be done. 'Sind f'r Doctor Heinegagubler,'
+says th' Sicrety iv War. 'He's wan iv th' gr-reatest surgeons iv our
+time,' he says, 'an' can cure annything fr'm pips to glanders,' he says.
+Th' famous Doctor Honeycooler was summoned. 'Sir,' says Mack, 'Goold
+Bonds, th' pride iv th' administhration, has had a fit,' he says. ''Twud
+br-reak our hear-rts to lose our little pet,' he says. 'Go,' he says,
+'an' take such measures as ye'er noble healin' ar-rt sug-gists,' he
+says; 'an' may th' prayers iv an agonized foster-parent go with ye,' he
+says. An' Doctor Higgenlocker wint down into th' coal-shed; an' whin he
+come back, it was with Goold Bonds in his ar-rms, weak an' pale, but
+with a wan smile on his lips.
+
+"Afther embracin' Goold Bonds an' tuckin' him away in bed, Mack tur-rns
+to th' Dock. 'Dock,' he says, 'ye have performed a noble sarvice,' he
+says. 'I appint ye a major-gin'ral,' he says. 'I'm that already,' says
+th' Dock. 'I've r-rich relatives in Philadelphia,' he says. 'But,' says
+Mack, ''tis a shame to think iv ye'er noble sarvices bein' wasted,' he
+says, 'whin ye'er counthry calls,' he says. 'I appint ye,' he says,
+'surgeon-gin'ral,' he says. 'Pro-ceed,' he says, 'to Cubia, an' stamp
+out th' dhread ravages,' he says, 'iv r-ringbone an' stagger,' he says.
+
+"That's how Dock got th'job. He was a gr-reat man down there, an' now
+he's wan iv th' vethranaryans iv th' war. Ye heerd iv typhoid an' yellow
+fever in th' threnches; but did ye hear annything iv spavin or th'
+foot-an'-mouth disease? Not wanst. Dock was on jooty late an' early.
+Sleepless an' vigilant, he stood beside th' suffrin' mules, allayin'
+their pain, an' slowly but surely dhraggin' thim out iv th' clutches iv
+pinkeye an' epizootic. He had a cheery wurrud, a pleasant smile, an' a
+bottle iv liniment f'r wan an' all. He cured Teddy Rosenfelt's hor-rse
+iv intherference an' made a soothin' lotion iv axle-grease f'r Gin'ral
+Shafter's buckboard. Ye might see him anny time wandhrin' through th'
+camp with a hatful of oats or a wisp of hay. They called him th' Stall
+Angel, and countless thousands iv sick hor-rses blessed him. He's a
+gr-reat man is th' Dock. But, if it hadn't been f'r Goold Bonds, th'
+counthry wud niver have had his sarvices. Who knows but that Mack's cat
+was th' rale victhor at Sandago?"
+
+"Didn't he cure anny men?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Sure," said Mr. Dooley. "He cured Teddy Rosenfelt iv boltin'."
+
+
+
+
+ON A SPEECH BY PRESIDENT McKINLEY.
+
+
+"I hear-r that Mack's in town," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"Didn't ye see him?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Faith, I did not!" said Mr. Dooley. "If 'tis meetin' me he's afther,
+all he has to do is to get on a ca-ar an' r-ride out to number
+nine-double-naught-nine Archey R-road, an' stop whin he sees th' sign iv
+th' Tip-p'rary Boodweiser Brewin' Company. I'm here fr'm eight in the
+mornin' till midnight, an' th' r-rest iv th' time I'm in the back room
+in th' ar-rms iv Or-rphyus, as Hogan says. Th' Presidint is as welcome
+as anny rayspictable marrid man. I will give him a chat an' a dhrink f'r
+fifteen cints; an', as we're not, as a frind iv mine in th' grocery an'
+pothry business says, intirely a commercial an' industhreel nation, if
+he has th' Sicrety iv th' Threasury with him, I'll give thim two f'r
+twinty-five cints, which is th' standard iv value among civilized
+nations th' wurruld over. Prisidint iv th' United States, says ye? Well,
+I'm prisidint iv this liquor store, fr'm th' pitcher iv th' Chicago fire
+above th' wash-stand in th' back room to th' dure-step. Beyond that
+belongs to th' polisman on th' bate. An Amurrican's home, as wan iv th'
+potes says, is his castle till th' morgedge falls due. An' divvle a fut
+will I put out iv this dure to see e'er a prisidint, prince, or
+potentate, fr'm th' czar iv Rooshia to th' king iv Chiny. There's
+Prisidint Mack at th' Audjiotoroom, an' here's Prisidint Dooley at
+nine-double-naught-nine, an' th' len'th iv th' sthreet between thim.
+Says he, 'Come over to th' hotel an' see me.' Says I, 'If ye find
+ye'ersilf thrun fr'm a ca-ar in me neighborhood, dhrop in.' An' there ye
+ar-re.
+
+"I may niver see him. I may go to me grave without gettin' an' eye on
+th' wan man besides mesilf that don't know what th' furrin' policy iv
+th' United States is goin' to be. An he, poor man, whin some wan asts
+him, 'Did ye iver meet Dooley:' 'll have to say, 'No, I had th' chanst
+wanst, but me ac-cursed pride kept me from visitin' him.'
+
+"I r-read his speeches, though, an' know what he's doin.' Some iv thim
+ar-re gr-reat. He attinded th' banket given be th' Prospurity Brigade at
+th' hotel where he's stoppin'. 'Twas a magnificent assimblage iv th'
+laborin' classes, costin' fifteen dollars a plate, an' on'y disturbed
+whin a well-to-do gintleman in th' dhry-goods business had to be thrun
+out f'r takin' a kick at a waiter. I r-read be th' papers that whin Mack
+come in he was rayceived be th' gatherin' with shouts iv approval. Th'
+proceedin's was opened with a prayer that Providence might r-remain
+undher th' protection iv th' administhration. Th' Sicrety iv th'
+Treasury followed with a gran' speech, highly commindin' th' action iv
+th' threasury department durin' th' late war; 'but,' says he, 'I
+cannot,' he says, 'so far forget mesilf,' he says, 'as not to mintion,'
+he says, 'that,' he says, 'if it hadn't been f'r the sublime
+pathreetism an' courage,' he says, 'iv th' gintleman whom we honor,' he
+says, 'in puttin' me on th' foorce,' he says, 'I might not be here
+to-night,' he says.
+
+"Th' Sicrety iv th' Threasury was followed be th' Gin'ral Shafter.
+'Gintlemen,' says he, 'it gives me,' he says, 'gr-reat pleasure,' he
+says, 'to be prisint in th' mist iv so manny an' so various vittles,' he
+says. 'Iv coorse,' he says, 'I re-elize me own gr-reat worth,' he says;
+'but,' he says, 'I wud have to be more thin human,' he says, 'to
+overlook th' debt iv gratichood,' he says, 'th' counthry owes,' he says,
+'to th' man whose foresight, wisdom, an' prudence brought me for-ard at
+such an opparchune time,' he says. 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'onless ye have
+lived in th' buckboard f'r months on th' parched deserts iv Cubia,' he
+says, 'ye little know what a pleasure it is,' he says, 'to dhrink,' he
+says, 'to th' author iv our bein' here,' he says. An' Gin-ral Miles wint
+out an' punched th' bell-boy. Mack r-rose up in a perfect hurcane iv
+applause, an' says he, 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'an' fellow-heroes,' he
+says, 'ye do me too much honor;' he says. 'I alone shud not have th'
+credit iv this gloryous victhry. They ar-re others.' [A voice:
+'Shafter.' Another voice: 'Gage.' Another voice: 'Dooley.'] 'But I pass
+to a more conganial line iv thought,' he says. 'We have just emerged
+fr'm a turrible war,' he says. 'Again,' he says, 'we ar-re a united
+union,' he says. 'No north,' he says, 'no south, no east,' he says, 'no
+west. No north east a point east,' he says. 'Th' inimies iv our counthry
+has been cr-rushed,' he says, 'or is stuck down in Floridy with his
+rig'mint talkin',' he says, 'his hellish docthrines to th' allygatars,'
+he says. 'Th' nation is wanst more at peace undher th' gran' goold
+standard,' he says. 'Now,' he says, 'th' question is what shall we do
+with th' fruits iv victhry?' he says. [A voice, 'Can thim.'] 'Our duty
+to civilization commands us to be up an' doin',' he says. 'We ar-re
+bound,' he says, 'to--to re-elize our destiny, whativer it may be,' he
+says. 'We can not tur-rn back,' he says, 'th hands iv th' clock that,
+even as I speak, he says, 'is r-rushin' through th' hear-rts iv men,' he
+says, 'dashin' its spray against th' star iv liberty an' hope, an' no
+north, no south, no east, no west, but a steady purpose to do th' best
+we can, considerin' all th' circumstances iv the case.' he says. 'I hope
+I have made th' matther clear to ye,' he says, 'an', with these few
+remarks,' he says, 'I will tur-rn th' job over to destiny,' he says,
+'which is sure to lead us iver on an' on, an' back an' forth, a united
+an' happy people, livin',' he says, 'undher an administhration that,
+thanks to our worthy Prisidint an' his cap-ble an' earnest advisers, is
+second to none,' he says."
+
+"What do you think ought to be done with th' fruits iv victhry?" Mr.
+Hennessy asked.
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if 'twas up to me, I'd eat what was r-ripe an'
+give what wasn't r-ripe to me inimy. An' I guess that's what Mack
+means."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE HERO IN POLITICS.
+
+
+"'Tis as much as a man's life is worth these days," said Mr. Dooley, "to
+have a vote. Look here," he continued, diving under the bar and
+producing a roll of paper.
+
+"Here's th' pitchers iv candydates I pulled down fr'm th' windy, an'
+jus' knowin' they're here makes me that nervous f'r th' contints iv th'
+cash dhrawer I'm afraid to tur-rn me back f'r a minyit. I'm goin' to
+throw thim out in th' back yard.
+
+"All heroes, too, Hinnissy. They'se Mike O'Toole, th' hero iv Sandago,
+that near lost his life be dhrink on his way to th' arm'ry, an' had to
+be sint home without lavin' th' city. There's Turror Teddy Mangan, th'
+night man at Flaher-ty's, that loaded th' men that loaded th' guns that
+kilt th' mules at Matoonzas. There's Hero O'Brien, that wud've inlisted
+if he hadn't been too old, an' th' contractin' business in such good
+shape. There's Bill Cory, that come near losin' his life at a
+cinematograph iv th' battle iv Manila. They're all here, bedad, r-ready
+to sarve their country to th' bitter end, an' to r-rush, voucher in
+hand, to th' city threasurer's office at a minyit's notice.
+
+"I wint to a hero meetin' th' other night, Hinnissy, an' that's sthrange
+f'r me. Whin a man gets to be my age, he laves th' shoutin' f'r th'
+youth iv th' land, onless he has a pol-itical job. I niver had a job but
+wanst. That was whin I was precin't cap'n; an' a good wan I was, too.
+None betther. I'd been on th' cinthral comity to-day, but f'r me losin'
+ambition whin they r-run a man be th' name iv Eckstein f'r aldherman. I
+was sayin', Hinnissy, whin a man gets to be my age, he ducks pol-itical
+meetin's, an' r-reads th' papers an' weighs th' ividence an' th'
+argymints,--pro-argymints an' con-argymints,--an' makes up his mind
+ca'mly, an' votes th' Dimmycratic ticket. But young Dorsey he med me go
+with him to th' hero's meetin' in Finucane's hall.
+
+"Well, sir, there was O'Toole an' all th' rest on th' platform in
+unyform, with flags over thim, an' the bands playin' 'They'll be a hot
+time in th' ol' town to-night again'; an' th' chairman was Plunkett. Ye
+know Plunkett: a good man if they was no gr-rand juries. He was makin' a
+speech. 'Whin th' battle r-raged,' he says, 'an' th' bullets fr'm th'
+haughty Spanyards' raypeatin' Mouser r-rifles,' he says, 'where was
+Cassidy?' he says. 'In his saloon,' says I, 'in I'mrald Av'noo,' says I.
+'Thrue f'r ye,' says Plunkett. 'An' where,' he says, 'was our
+candydate?' he says. 'In somebody else's saloon,' says I. 'No,' says he.
+'Whin th' Prisidint,' he says, 'called th' nation to ar-rms,' he says,
+'an' Congress voted fifty million good bucks f'r th' naytional definse,'
+he says, 'Thomas Francis Dorgan,' he says, 'in that minyit iv naytional
+pearl,' says he, 'left his good job in the pipe-yard,' he says, 'an'
+wint down to th' raycruitin' office, an' says, "How manny calls f'r
+volunteers is out?" he says. "Wan," says th' officer. "Put me down,"
+says Dorgan, "f'r th' tenth call," he says. This, gintlemen iv th'
+foorth precin't,' he says, 'is Thomas Francis Dorgan, a man who, if
+ilicted,' he says, 'victhry'll perch,' he says, 'upon our banners,' he
+says; 'an',' he says, 'th' naytional honor will be maintained,' he says,
+'in th' county boord,' he says.
+
+"I wint out to take th' air, an' I met me frind Clohessy, th' little
+tailor fr'm Halsted Sthreet. Him an' me had a shell iv beer together at
+th' German's; an' says I, 'What d'ye think iv th' heroes?' I says.
+'Well,' says he, 'I make no doubt 'twas brave iv Dorgan,' he says, 'f'r
+to put his name in f'r th' tenth call,' he says; 'but,' he says, 'I
+don't like Plunkett, an' it seems to me a man'd have to be a hell iv a
+sthrong man, even if he was a hero, to be Plunkett's man, an' keep his
+hands out iv ye'er pockets,' he says. 'I'm with Clancy's candydate,' he
+says. 'He niver offered to enlist for th' war,' he says, 'but 'twas
+Clancy put Terence on th' polis foorce an' got th' school f'r Aggie,' he
+says.
+
+"That's the way I feel," said Mr. Hennessy. "I wudden't thrust Plunkett
+as far as I cud throw a cow be th' tail. If Dorgan was Clancy's war
+hero, I'd be with him."
+
+"Annyhow," said Mr. Dooley, "mighty few iv th' rale heroes iv th' war is
+r-runnin' f'r office. Most iv thim put on their blue overalls whin they
+was mustered out an' wint up an' ast f'r their ol' jobs back--an'
+sometimes got thim. Ye can see as manny as tin iv thim at the
+rollin'-mills defindin' th' nation's honor with wheelbahr's an' a slag
+shovel."
+
+
+
+
+MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE
+
+
+
+
+ON NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS.
+
+
+Mr. Hennessy looked out at the rain dripping down in Archey Road, and
+sighed, "A-ha, 'tis a bad spell iv weather we're havin'."
+
+"Faith, it is," said Mr. Dooley, "or else we mind it more thin we did. I
+can't remimber wan day fr'm another. Whin I was young, I niver thought
+iv rain or snow, cold or heat. But now th' heat stings an' th' cold
+wrenches me bones; an', if I go out in th' rain with less on me thin a
+ton iv rubber, I'll pay dear f'r it in achin' j'ints, so I will. That's
+what old age means; an' now another year has been put on to what we had
+befure, an' we're expected to be gay. 'Ring out th' old,' says a guy at
+th' Brothers' School. 'Ring out th' old, ring in th' new,' he says.
+'Ring out th' false, ring in th' thrue,' says he. It's a pretty
+sintimint, Hinnissy; but how ar-re we goin' to do it? Nawthin'd please
+me betther thin to turn me back on th' wicked an' ingloryous past,
+rayform me life, an' live at peace with th' wurruld to th' end iv me
+days. But how th' divvle can I do it? As th' fellow says, 'Can th'
+leopard change his spots,' or can't he?
+
+"You know Dorsey, iv coorse, th' cross-eyed May-o man that come to this
+counthry about wan day in advance iv a warrant f'r sheep-stealin'? Ye
+know what he done to me, tellin' people I was caught in me cellar
+poorin' wather into a bar'l? Well, last night says I to mesilf, thinkin'
+iv Dorsey, I says: 'I swear that henceforth I'll keep me temper with me
+fellow-men. I'll not let anger or jealousy get th' betther iv me,' I
+says. 'I'll lave off all me old feuds; an' if I meet me inimy goin' down
+th' sthreet, I'll go up an' shake him be th' hand, if I'm sure he hasn't
+a brick in th' other hand.' Oh, I was mighty compliminthry to mesilf. I
+set be th' stove dhrinkin' hot wans, an' ivry wan I dhrunk made me more
+iv a pote. 'Tis th' way with th' stuff. Whin I'm in dhrink, I have manny
+a fine thought; an', if I wasn't too comfortable to go an' look f'r th'
+ink-bottle, I cud write pomes that'd make Shakespeare an' Mike Scanlan
+think they were wurrkin' on a dredge. 'Why,' says I, 'carry into th' new
+year th' hathreds iv th' old?' I says. 'Let th' dead past bury its
+dead,' says I. 'Tur-rn ye'er lamps up to th' blue sky,' I says. (It was
+rainin' like th' divvle, an' th' hour was midnight; but I give no heed
+to that, bein' comfortable with th' hot wans.) An' I wint to th' dure,
+an', whin Mike Duffy come by on number wan hundherd an' five, ringin'
+th' gong iv th' ca-ar, I hollered to him: 'Ring out th' old, ring in th'
+new.' 'Go back into ye'er stall,' he says, 'an' wring ye'ersilf out,' he
+says. 'Ye'er wet through,' he says.
+
+"Whin I woke up this mornin', th' pothry had all disappeared, an' I
+begun to think th' las' hot wan I took had somethin' wrong with it.
+Besides, th' lumbago was grippin' me till I cud hardly put wan foot
+befure th' other. But I remimbered me promises to mesilf, an' I wint out
+on th' sthreet, intindin' to wish ivry wan a 'Happy New Year,' an'
+hopin' in me hear-rt that th' first wan I wished it to'd tell me to go
+to th' divvle, so I cud hit him in th' eye. I hadn't gone half a block
+before I spied Dorsey acrost th' sthreet. I picked up a half a brick an'
+put it in me pocket, an' Dorsey done th' same. Thin we wint up to each
+other. 'A Happy New Year,' says I. 'Th' same to you,' says he, 'an'
+manny iv thim,' he says. 'Ye have a brick in ye'er hand,' says I. 'I was
+thinkin' iv givin' ye a New Year's gift,' says he. 'Th' same to you, an'
+manny iv thim,' says I, fondlin' me own ammunition. ''Tis even all
+around,' says he. 'It is,' says I. 'I was thinkin' las' night I'd give
+up me gredge again ye,' says he. 'I had th' same thought mesilf,' says
+I. 'But, since I seen ye'er face,' he says, 'I've con-cluded that I'd be
+more comfortable hatin' ye thin havin' ye f'r a frind,' says he. 'Ye're
+a man iv taste,' says I. An' we backed away fr'm each other. He's a Tip,
+an' can throw a stone like a rifleman; an', Hinnissy, I'm somethin' iv
+an amachoor shot with a half-brick mesilf.
+
+"Well, I've been thinkin' it over, an' I've argied it out that life'd
+not be worth livin' if we didn't keep our inimies. I can have all th'
+frinds I need. Anny man can that keeps a liquor sthore. But a rale
+sthrong inimy, specially a May-o inimy,--wan that hates ye ha-ard, an'
+that ye'd take th' coat off yer back to do a bad tur-rn to,--is a luxury
+that I can't go without in me ol' days. Dorsey is th' right sort. I
+can't go by his house without bein' in fear he'll spill th' chimbly down
+on me head; an', whin he passes my place, he walks in th' middle iv th'
+sthreet, an' crosses himsilf. I'll swear off on annything but Dorsey.
+He's a good man, an' I despise him. Here's long life to him."
+
+
+
+
+ON GOLD-SEEKING.
+
+
+"Well, sir," said Mr. Hennessy, "that Alaska's th' gr-reat place. I
+thought 'twas nawthin' but an iceberg with a few seals roostin' on it,
+an' wan or two hundherd Ohio politicians that can't be killed on account
+iv th' threaty iv Pawrs. But here they tell me 'tis fairly smothered in
+goold. A man stubs his toe on th' ground, an lifts th' top off iv a
+goold mine. Ye go to bed at night, an' wake up with goold fillin' in
+ye'er teeth."
+
+"Yes," said Mr. Dooley, "Clancy's son was in here this mornin', an' he
+says a frind iv his wint to sleep out in th' open wan night, an' whin he
+got up his pants assayed four ounces iv goold to th' pound, an' his
+whiskers panned out as much as thirty dollars net."
+
+"If I was a young man an' not tied down here," said Mr. Hennessy, "I'd
+go there: I wud so."
+
+"I wud not," said Mr. Dooley. "Whin I was a young man in th' ol'
+counthry, we heerd th' same story about all America. We used to set be
+th' tur-rf fire o' nights, kickin' our bare legs on th' flure an'
+wishin' we was in New York, where all ye had to do was to hold ye'er hat
+an' th' goold guineas'd dhrop into it. An' whin I got to be a man, I
+come over here with a ham and a bag iv oatmeal, as sure that I'd return
+in a year with money enough to dhrive me own ca-ar as I was that me name
+was Martin Dooley. An' that was a cinch.
+
+"But, faith, whin I'd been here a week, I seen that there was nawthin'
+but mud undher th' pavement,--I larned that be means iv a pick-axe at
+tin shillin's th' day,--an' that, though there was plenty iv goold, thim
+that had it were froze to it; an' I come west, still lookin' f'r mines.
+Th' on'y mine I sthruck at Pittsburgh was a hole f'r sewer pipe. I made
+it. Siven shillin's th' day. Smaller thin New York, but th' livin' was
+cheaper, with Mon'gahela rye at five a throw, put ye'er hand around th'
+glass.
+
+"I was still dreamin' goold, an' I wint down to Saint Looey. Th'
+nearest I come to a fortune there was findin' a quarther on th' sthreet
+as I leaned over th' dashboord iv a car to whack th' off mule. Whin I
+got to Chicago, I looked around f'r the goold mine. They was Injuns here
+thin. But they wasn't anny mines I cud see. They was mud to be shovelled
+an' dhrays to be dhruv an' beats to be walked. I choose th' dhray; f'r I
+was niver cut out f'r a copper, an' I'd had me fill iv excavatin'. An' I
+dhruv th' dhray till I wint into business.
+
+"Me experyence with goold minin' is it's always in th' nex' county. If I
+was to go to Alaska, they'd tell me iv th' finds in Seeberya. So I think
+I'll stay here. I'm a silver man, annyhow; an' I'm contint if I can see
+goold wanst a year, whin some prominent citizen smiles over his
+newspaper. I'm thinkin' that ivry man has a goold mine undher his own
+dure-step or in his neighbor's pocket at th' farthest."
+
+"Well, annyhow," said Mr. Hennessy, "I'd like to kick up th' sod, an'
+find a ton iv goold undher me fut."
+
+"What wud ye do if ye found it?" demanded Mr. Dooley.
+
+"I--I dinnaw," said Mr. Hennessy, whose dreaming had not gone this far.
+Then, recovering himself, he exclaimed with great enthusiasm, "I'd throw
+up me job an'--an' live like a prince."
+
+"I tell ye what ye'd do," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye'd come back here an'
+sthrut up an' down th' sthreet with ye'er thumbs in ye'er armpits; an'
+ye'd dhrink too much, an' ride in sthreet ca-ars. Thin ye'd buy foldin'
+beds an' piannies, an' start a reel estate office. Ye'd be fooled a good
+deal an' lose a lot iv ye'er money, an' thin ye'd tighten up. Ye'd be in
+a cold fear night an' day that ye'd lose ye'er fortune. Ye'd wake up in
+th' middle iv th' night, dhreamin' that ye was back at th' gas-house
+with ye'er money gone. Ye'd be prisidint iv a charitable society. Ye'd
+have to wear ye'er shoes in th' house, an' ye'er wife'd have ye around
+to rayciptions an dances.' Ye'd move to Mitchigan Avnoo, an' ye'd hire a
+coachman that'd laugh at ye. Ye'er boys'd be joods an' ashamed iv ye,
+an' ye'd support ye'er daughters' husbands. Ye'd rackrint ye'er tinants
+an' lie about ye'er taxes. Ye'd go back to Ireland on a visit, an' put
+on airs with ye'er cousin Mike. Ye'd be a mane, close-fisted,
+onscrupulous ol' curmudgeon; an', whin ye'd die, it'd take half ye'er
+fortune f'r rayqueems to put ye r-right. I don't want ye iver to speak
+to me whin ye get rich, Hinnissy."
+
+"I won't," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+
+
+
+ON BOOKS.
+
+
+"Ivry time I pick up me mornin' paper to see how th' scrap come out at
+Batthry D," said Mr. Dooley, "th' first thing I r-run acrost is
+somethin' like this: 'A hot an' handsome gift f'r Christmas is Lucy Ann
+Patzooni's "Jims iv Englewood Thought"'; or 'If ye wud delight th'
+hear-rt iv yer child, ye'll give him Dr. Harper's monymental histhry iv
+th' Jewish thribes fr'm Moses to Dhry-fuss' or 'Ivrybody is r-readin'
+Roodyard Kiplin's "Busy Pomes f'r Busy People."' Th' idee iv givin'
+books f'r Christmas prisints whin th' stores are full iv tin hor-rns an'
+dhrums an' boxin' gloves an choo-choo ca-ars! People must be crazy."
+
+"They ar-re," said Mr. Hennessy. "My house is so full iv books ye
+cudden't tur-rn around without stumblin' over thim. I found th' life iv
+an ex-convict, the 'Prisoner iv Zinders,' in me high hat th' other day,
+where Mary Ann was hidin' it fr'm her sister. Instead iv th' chidher
+fightin' an' skylarkin' in th' evenin', they're settin' around th' table
+with their noses glued into books. Th' ol' woman doesn't read, but she
+picks up what's goin' on. 'Tis 'Honoria, did Lor-rd What's-his-name
+marry th' fair Aminta?' or 'But that Lady Jane was a case.' An' so it
+goes. There's no injymint in th' house, an' they're usin' me cravats f'r
+bookmarks."
+
+"'Tis all wrong," said Mr. Dooley. "They're on'y three books in th'
+wurruld worth readin',--Shakespeare, th' Bible, an' Mike Ahearn's
+histhry iv Chicago. I have Shakespeare on thrust, Father Kelly r-reads
+th' Bible f'r me, an' I didn't buy Mike Ahearn's histhry because I seen
+more thin he cud put into it. Books is th' roon iv people, specially
+novels. Whin I was a young man, th' parish priest used to preach again
+thim; but nobody knowed what he meant. At that time Willum Joyce had th'
+on'y library in th' Sixth Wa-ard. Th' mayor give him th' bound volumes
+iv th' council proceedings, an' they was a very handsome set. Th' on'y
+books I seen was th' kind that has th' life iv th' pope on th' outside
+an' a set iv dominos on th' inside. They're good readin'. Nawthin' cud
+be better f'r a man whin he's tired out afther a day's wurruk thin to go
+to his library an' take down wan iv th' gr-reat wurruks iv lithratchoor
+an' play a game iv dominos f'r th' dhrinks out iv it. Anny other kind iv
+r-readin', barrin' th' newspapers, which will niver hurt anny onedycated
+man, is desthructive iv morals.
+
+"I had it out with Father Kelly th' other day in this very matther. He
+was comin' up fr'm down town with an ar-rmful iv books f'r prizes at th'
+school. 'Have ye th' Key to Heaven there?' says I. 'No,' says he, 'th'
+childher that'll get these books don't need no key. They go in under th'
+turnstile,' he says, laughin'. 'Have ye th' Lives iv th' Saints, or the
+Christyan Dooty, or th' Story iv Saint Rose iv Lima?' I says. 'I have
+not,' says he. 'I have some good story books. I'd rather th' kids'd
+r-read Char-les Dickens than anny iv th' tales iv thim holy men that
+was burned in ile or et up be lines,' he says. 'It does no good in these
+degin'rate days to prove that th' best that can come to a man f'r
+behavin' himsilf is to be cooked in a pot or di-gisted be a line,' he
+says. 'Ye're wrong,' says I. 'Beggin' ye'er riv'rince's pardon, ye're
+wrong,' I says. 'What ar-re ye goin' to do with thim young wans? Ye're
+goin' to make thim near-sighted an' round-shouldered,' I says. 'Ye're
+goin' to have thim believe that, if they behave thimsilves an' lead a
+virchous life, they'll marry rich an' go to Congress. They'll wake up
+some day, an' find out that gettin' money an behavin' ye'ersilf don't
+always go together,' I says. 'Some iv th' wickedest men in th' wurruld
+have marrid rich,' I says. 'Ye're goin' to teach thim that a man doesn't
+have to use an ax to get along in th' wurruld. Ye're goin' to teach thim
+that a la-ad with a curlin' black mustache an' smokin' a cigareet is
+always a villyan, whin he's more often a barber with a lar-rge family.
+Life, says ye! There's no life in a book. If ye want to show thim what
+life is, tell thim to look around thim. There's more life on a Saturdah
+night in th' Ar-rchy Road thin in all th' books fr'm Shakespeare to th'
+rayport iv th' drainage thrustees. No man,' I says, 'iver wrote a book
+if he had annything to write about, except Shakespeare an' Mike Ahearn.
+Shakespeare was all r-right. I niver read anny of his pieces, but they
+sound good; an' I know Mike Ahearn is all r-right.'"
+
+"What did he say?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"He took it all r-right," said Mr. Dooley. "He kind o' grinned, an' says
+he: 'What ye say is thrue, an' it's not thrue,' he says. 'Books is f'r
+thim that can't injye thimsilves in anny other way,' he says. 'If ye're
+in good health, an' ar-re atin' three squares a day, an' not ayether sad
+or very much in love with ye'er lot, but just lookin' on an' not carin'
+a'--he said rush--'not carin' a rush, ye don't need books,' he says.
+'But if ye're a down-spirited thing an' want to get away an' can't, ye
+need books. 'Tis betther to be comfortable at home thin to go to th'
+circus, an' 'tis betther to go to th' circus thin to r-read anny book.
+But 'tis betther to r-read a book thin to want to go to th' circus an'
+not be able to,' he says. 'Well,' says I, 'whin I was growin' up, half
+th' congregation heard mass with their prayer books tur-rned upside
+down, an' they were as pious as anny. Th' Apostles' Creed niver was as
+con-vincin' to me afther I larned to r-read it as it was whin I cudden't
+read it, but believed it.'"
+
+
+
+
+ON REFORM CANDIDATES.
+
+
+"That frind iv ye'ers, Dugan, is an intilligent man," said Mr. Dooley.
+"All he needs is an index an' a few illusthrations to make him a
+bicyclopedja iv useless information."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, judiciously, "he ain't no Soc-rates an' he
+ain't no answers-to-questions colum; but he's a good man that goes to
+his jooty, an' as handy with a pick as some people are with a cocktail
+spoon. What's he been doin' again ye?"
+
+"Nawthin'," said Mr. Dooley, "but he was in here Choosday. 'Did ye
+vote?' says I. 'I did,' says he. 'Which wan iv th' distinguished bunko
+steerers got ye'er invalu'ble suffrage?' says I. 'I didn't have none
+with me,' says he, 'but I voted f'r Charter Haitch,' says he. 'I've been
+with him in six ilictions,' says he, 'an' he's a good man,' he says.
+'D'ye think ye're votin' f'r th' best?' says I. 'Why, man alive,' I
+says, 'Charter Haitch was assassinated three years ago,' I says. 'Was
+he?' says Dugan. 'Ah, well, he's lived that down be this time. He was a
+good man,' he says.
+
+"Ye see, that's what thim rayform lads wint up again. If I liked
+rayformers, Hinnissy, an' wanted f'r to see thim win out wanst in their
+lifetime, I'd buy thim each a suit iv chilled steel, ar-rm thim with
+raypeatin' rifles, an' take thim east iv State Sthreet an' south iv
+Jackson Bullyvard. At prisint th' opinion that pre-vails in th' ranks iv
+th' gloryous ar-rmy iv rayform is that there ain't annything worth
+seein' in this lar-rge an' commodyous desert but th' pest-house an' the
+bridewell. Me frind Willum J. O'Brien is no rayformer. But Willum J.
+undherstands that there's a few hundherds iv thousands iv people livin'
+in a part iv th' town that looks like nawthin' but smoke fr'm th' roof
+iv th' Onion League Club that have on'y two pleasures in life, to wurruk
+an' to vote, both iv which they do at th' uniform rate iv wan dollar
+an' a half a day. That's why Willum J. O'Brien is now a sinitor an' will
+be an aldherman afther next Thursdah, an' it's why other people are
+sinding him flowers.
+
+"This is th' way a rayform candydate is ilicted. Th' boys down town has
+heerd that things ain't goin' r-right somehow. Franchises is bein'
+handed out to none iv thim; an' wanst in a while a mimber iv th' club,
+comin' home a little late an' thryin' to ricon-cile a pair iv r-round
+feet with an embroidered sidewalk, meets a sthrong ar-rm boy that pushes
+in his face an' takes away all his marbles. It begins to be talked that
+th' time has come f'r good citizens f'r to brace up an' do somethin',
+an' they agree to nomynate a candydate f'r aldherman. 'Who'll we put
+up?' says they. 'How's Clarence Doolittle?' says wan. 'He's laid up with
+a coupon thumb, an' can't r-run.' 'An' how about Arthur Doheny?' 'I
+swore an oath whin I came out iv colledge I'd niver vote f'r a man that
+wore a made tie.' 'Well, thin, let's thry Willie Boye.' 'Good,' says
+th' comity. 'He's jus' th' man f'r our money.' An' Willie Boye, after
+thinkin' it over, goes to his tailor an' ordhers three dozen pairs iv
+pants, an' decides f'r to be th' sthandard-bearer iv th' people. Musin'
+over his fried eyesthers an' asparagus an' his champagne, he bets a polo
+pony again a box of golf-balls he'll be ilicted unanimous; an' all th'
+good citizens make a vow f'r to set th' alar-rm clock f'r half-past
+three on th' afthernoon iv iliction day, so's to be up in time to vote
+f'r th' riprisintitive iv pure gover'mint.
+
+"'Tis some time befure they comprehind that there ar-re other candydates
+in th' field. But th' other candydates know it. Th' sthrongest iv
+thim--his name is Flannigan, an' he's a re-tail dealer in wines an'
+liquors, an' he lives over his establishment. Flannigan was nomynated
+enthusyastically at a prim'ry held in his bar-rn; an' before Willie Boye
+had picked out pants that wud match th' color iv th' Austhreelyan ballot
+this here Flannigan had put a man on th' day watch, tol' him to speak
+gently to anny ray-gistered voter that wint to sleep behind th' sthove,
+an' was out that night visitin' his frinds. Who was it judged th' cake
+walk? Flannigan. Who was it carrid th' pall? Flannigan. Who was it sthud
+up at th' christening? Flannigan. Whose ca-ards did th' grievin' widow,
+th' blushin' bridegroom, or th' happy father find in th' hack?
+Flannigan's. Ye bet ye'er life. Ye see Flannigan wasn't out f'r th' good
+iv th' community. Flannigan was out f'r Flannigan an' th' stuff.
+
+"Well, iliction day come around; an' all th' imminent frinds iv good
+gover'mint had special wires sthrung into th' club, an' waited f'r th'
+returns. Th' first precin't showed 28 votes f'r Willie Boye to 14 f'r
+Flannigan. 'That's my precin't,' says Willie. 'I wondher who voted thim
+fourteen?' 'Coachmen,' says Clarence Doolittle. 'There are thirty-five
+precin'ts in this ward,' says th' leader iv th' rayform ilimint. 'At
+this rate, I'm sure iv 440 meejority. Gossoon,' he says, 'put a keg iv
+sherry wine on th' ice,' he says. 'Well,' he says, 'at last th'
+community is relieved fr'm misrule,' he says. 'To-morrah I will start in
+arrangin' amindmints to th' tariff schedool an' th' ar-bitration
+threety,' he says. 'We must be up an' doin',' he says. 'Hol' on there,'
+says wan iv th' comity. 'There must be some mistake in this fr'm th'
+sixth precin't,' he says. 'Where's the sixth precin't?' says Clarence.
+'Over be th' dumps,' says Willie. 'I told me futman to see to that. He
+lives at th' corner iv Desplaines an Bloo Island Av'noo on Goose's
+Island,' he says. 'What does it show?' 'Flannigan, three hundherd an'
+eighty-five; Hansen, forty-eight; Schwartz, twinty; O'Malley, sivinteen;
+Casey, ten; O'Day, eight; Larsen, five; O'Rourke, three; Mulcahy, two;
+Schmitt, two; Moloney, two; Riordon, two; O'Malley, two; Willie Boye,
+wan.' 'Gintlemin,' says Willie Boye, arisin' with a stern look in his
+eyes, 'th' rascal has bethrayed me. Waither, take th' sherry wine off
+th' ice. They'se no hope f'r sound financial legislation this year. I'm
+goin' home.'
+
+"An', as he goes down th' sthreet, he hears a band play an' sees a
+procission headed be a calceem light; an', in a carredge, with his plug
+hat in his hand an' his di'mond makin' th' calceem look like a piece iv
+punk in a smoke-house, is Flannigan, payin' his first visit this side iv
+th' thracks."
+
+
+
+
+ON PATERNAL DUTY.
+
+
+"I'm havin' a time iv it with Terence," said Mr. Hennessy, despondently.
+
+"What's th' la-ad been doin'?" asked Mr. Dooley.
+
+"It ain't so much what he's doin'," Mr. Hennessy explained, "as what he
+ain't doin.' He ain't stayin' home iv nights, an' he ain't wurrukin';
+but he does be out on th' corner with th' Cromleys an' th' rest, dancin'
+jig steps an' whistlin' th' 'Rogue's March' whin a polisman goes by.
+Sure, I can do nawthin' with him, f'r he's that kind an' good at home
+that he'd melt th' heart iv a man iv stone. But it's gray me life is,
+thinkin' iv what's to become iv him whin he gets to be a man grown.
+Ye're lucky, Martin, that ye're childless."
+
+"Sure, I cudden't be anny other way, an' hold me good name," said Mr.
+Dooley. "An', whin I look about me sometimes, it's glad I am. They'se
+been times, perhaps--But lave that go. Is there somethin' in th' air or
+is it in oursilves that makes th' childher nowadays turn out to curse
+th' lives iv thim that give thim life? It may be in th' thrainin'. Whin
+I was a kid, they were brought up to love, honor, an' respect th' ol'
+folks, that their days might be long in th' land. Amen. If they didn't,
+th' best they cud do was to say nawthin' about it. 'Twas th' back iv th'
+hand an' th' sowl iv th' fut to th' la-ad that put his spoon first into
+th' stirabout. Between th' whalin's we got at school h'isted on th' back
+iv th' big boy that was bein' thrainned to be a Christyan brother an'
+th' thumpin's we got at home, we was kept sore an' sthraight fr'm wan
+year's end to another. 'Twas no mild doses they give us, ayether. I mind
+wanst, whin I was near as big as I am now, I handed back some onkind
+re-emarks to me poor father that's dead. May he rest in peace, per
+Dominum! He must iv been a small man, an' bent with wurruk an' worry.
+But did he take me jaw? He did not. He hauled off, an' give me a r-right
+hook where th' bad wurruds come fr'm. I put up a pretty fight, f'r me
+years; but th' man doesn't live that can lick his own father. He rowled
+me acrost an oat-field, an' I give up. I didn't love him anny too well
+f'r that lickin', but I respected him; an', if he'd come into this place
+to-night,--an' he'd be near a hundherd: he was born in th' year '98, an'
+pikes was hid in his cradle,--if he come in here to-night an' pulled me
+ear, I'd fear to go again him. I wud so.
+
+"'Tis th' other way about now. Did ye iver know a man be th' name iv
+Ahearn? Ye did not? Well, maybe he was befure yer time. He was a cobbler
+be thrade; but he picked up money be livin' off iv leather findings an'
+wooden pegs, an' bought pieces iv th' prairie, an' starved an' bought
+more, an' starved an' starved till his heart was shrivelled up like a
+washerwoman's hand. But he made money. An' th' more he made, th' more he
+wanted, an', wantin' nawthin' more, it come to him fr'm the divvle, who
+kept th' curse f'r his own time. This man Ahearn, whin he had acres an'
+acres on Halsted Sthreet, an' tinants be th' scoor that prayed at nights
+f'r him that he might live long an' taste sorrow, he marrid a girl. Her
+name was Ryan, a little, scared, foolish woman; an' she died whin a boy
+was bor-rn. Ahearn give her a solemn rayqueem high mass an' a monument
+at Calv'ry that ye can see fr'm th' fun'ral thrain. An' he come fr'm th'
+fun'ral with th' first smile on his face that anny man iver see there,
+an' th' baby in his ar-rms.
+
+"I'll not say Ahearn was a changed man. Th' love iv money was knitted
+into his heart; an', afther th' la-ad come, th' way he ground th' people
+that lived in his house was death an' destruction. 'I must provide f'r
+me own,' he said. But thim that was kind to th' kid cud break th' crust,
+an' all th' r-rough, hard-wurrkin' tenants paid f'r th' favors he give
+to th' ol' frauds an' beguilin' women that petted Dan'l O'Connell
+Ahearn. Nawthin' was too good f'r th' kid. He had nurses an' servants to
+wait on him. He had clothes that'd stock this ba-ar f'r a year. Whin he
+was old enough, he was sint to Saint Ignatyous. An' th' ol' man'd take
+him walkin' on a Sundah, an' pint out th' rows an' rows iv houses, with
+th' childher in front gazin' in awe at th' great man an' their fathers
+glowerin' fr'm the windows, an' say, 'Thim will all be yours whin ye
+grow up, Dan'l O'Connell, avick.'
+
+"Well, it didn't take an eye iv a witch to see that Dan'l O'Connell was
+a bor-rn idjet. They was no rale harm in th' poor la-ad, on'y he was
+lazy an' foolish an' sort iv tired like. To make a long story short,
+Hinnissy, his father thried ivrything f'r him, an' got nawthin.' He
+didn't dhrink much, he cared little f'r women, he liked to play ca-ards,
+but not f'r money. He did nawthin' that was bad; an' yet he was no good
+at all, at all,--just a slow, tired, aisy-goin', shamblin' la-ad,--th'
+sort that'd wrench th' heart iv a father like Ahearn. I dinnaw what he
+did fin'lly, but wan night he come into my place an' said he'd been
+turned out be his father an' wanted a place f'r to sleep. 'Ye'll sleep
+at home,' says I. 'Ye'er father sh'd take shame to himsilf,--him a rich
+man.' An' I put on me coat, an' wint over to Ahearn's. I was a power in
+th' wa-ard in thim days, an' feared no man alive. Th' ol' la-ad met us
+at th' dure. Whin I started to speak, he blazed up. 'Misther Dooley,'
+says he, 'my sorrows are me own. I'll keep thim here. As f'r ye,' he
+says, an' tur-rned like a tiger on th' boy an' sthruck him with his ol'
+leathery hand. Th' boy stood f'r a minyit, an' thin walked out, me with
+him. I niver see him since. We left Ahearn standin' there, as we used to
+say iv th' fox in th' ol' counthry, cornered between th' river an' th'
+wall."
+
+"Ye're lucky to be alone," said Mr. Hennessy as he left.
+
+"I think so," said Mr. Dooley. But there was no content upon his face as
+he watched a lounging oaf of a boy catch up with Mr. Hennessy, exchange
+a curtly affectionate greeting, and walk over to where Mrs. Hennessy
+could be seen reading the "Key of Heaven" beside the parlor stove.
+
+
+
+
+ON CRIMINALS.
+
+
+"Lord bless my sowl," said Mr. Dooley, "childher is a gr-reat
+risponsibility,--agr-reat risponsibility. Whin I think iv it, I praise
+th' saints I niver was married, though I had opporchunities enough whin
+I was a young man; an' even now I have to wear me hat low whin I go down
+be Cologne Sthreet on account iv th' Widow Grogan. Jawn, that woman'll
+take me dead or alive. I wake up in a col' chill in th' middle iv th'
+night, dhreamin' iv her havin' me in her clutches.
+
+"But that's not here or there, avick. I was r-readin' in th' pa-apers iv
+a lad be th' name iv Scanlan bein' sint down th' short r-road f'r near a
+lifetime; an' I minded th' first time I iver see him,--a bit iv a
+curly-haired boy that played tag around me place, an' 'd sing 'Blest
+Saint Joseph' with a smile on his face like an angel's. Who'll tell what
+makes wan man a thief an' another man a saint? I dinnaw. This here boy's
+father wur-rked fr'm morn till night in th' mills, was at early mass
+Sundah mornin' befure th' alkalis lit th' candles, an' niver knowed a
+month whin he failed his jooty. An' his mother was a sweet-faced little
+woman, though fr'm th' County Kerry, that nursed th' sick an' waked th'
+dead, an' niver had a hard thought in her simple mind f'r anny iv Gawd's
+creatures. Poor sowl, she's dead now. May she rest in peace!
+
+"He didn't git th' shtreak fr'm his father or fr'm his mother. His
+brothers an' sisters was as fine a lot as iver lived. But this la-ad
+Petey Scanlan growed up fr'm bein' a curly-haired angel f'r to be th'
+toughest villyun in th' r-road. What was it at all, at all? Sometimes I
+think they'se poison in th' life iv a big city. Th' flowers won't grow
+here no more thin they wud in a tannery, an' th' bur-rds have no song;
+an' th' childher iv dacint men an' women come up hard in th' mouth an'
+with their hands raised again their kind.
+
+"Th' la-ad was th' scoorge iv th' polis. He was as quick as a cat an' as
+fierce as a tiger, an' I well raymimber him havin' laid out big Kelly
+that used to thravel this post,--'Whistlin'' Kelly that kep' us awake
+with imitations iv a mockin' bur-rd,--I well raymimber him scuttlin' up
+th' alley with a score iv polismin laborin' afther him, thryin' f'r a
+shot at him as he wint around th' bar-rns or undher th' thrucks. He
+slep' in th' coal-sheds afther that until th' poor ol' man cud square it
+with th' loot. But, whin he come out, ye cud see how his face had
+hardened an' his ways changed. He was as silent as an animal, with a
+sideways manner that watched ivrything. Right here in this place I seen
+him stand f'r a quarther iv an' hour, not seemin' to hear a dhrunk man
+abusin' him, an' thin lep out like a snake. We had to pry him loose.
+
+"Th' ol' folks done th' best they cud with him. They hauled him out iv
+station an' jail an' bridewell. Wanst in a long while they'd dhrag him
+off to church with his head down: that was always afther he'd been
+sloughed up f'r wan thing or another. Between times th' polis give him
+his own side iv th' sthreet, an' on'y took him whin his back was
+tur-rned. Thin he'd go in the wagon with a mountain iv thim on top iv
+him, sway in' an' swearin' an' sthrikin' each other in their hurry to
+put him to sleep with their clubs.
+
+"I mind well th' time he was first took to be settled f'r good. I heerd
+a noise in th' ya-ard, an' thin he come through th' place with his face
+dead gray an' his lips just a turn grayer. 'Where ar-re ye goin',
+Petey?' says I. 'I was jus' takin' a short cut home,' he says. In three
+minyits th' r-road was full iv polismin. They'd been a robbery down in
+Halsted Sthreet. A man that had a grocery sthore was stuck up, an' whin
+he fought was clubbed near to death; an' they'd r-run Scanlan through
+th' alleys to his father's house. That was as far as they'd go. They was
+enough iv thim to've kicked down th' little cottage with their heavy
+boots, but they knew he was standin' behind th' dure with th' big gun in
+his hand; an', though they was manny a good lad there, they was none
+that cared f'r that short odds.
+
+"They talked an' palavered outside, an' telephoned th' chief iv polis,
+an' more pathrol wagons come up. Some was f'r settin' fire to th'
+buildin', but no wan moved ahead. Thin th' fr-ront dure opened, an' who
+shud come out but th' little mother. She was thin an' pale, an' she had
+her apron in her hands, pluckin' at it. 'Gintlemin,' she says, 'what is
+it ye want iv me?' she says. 'Liftinant Cassidy,' she says, ''tis
+sthrange f'r ye that I've knowed so long to make scandal iv me before me
+neighbors,' she says. 'Mrs. Scanlan,' says he, 'we want th' boy. I'm
+sorry, ma'am, but he's mixed up in a bad scrape, an' we must have him,'
+he says. She made a curtsy to thim, an' wint indures. 'Twas less than a
+minyit before she come out, clingin' to th' la-ad's ar-rm. 'He'll go,'
+she says. 'Thanks be, though he's wild, they'se no crime on his head. Is
+there, dear?' 'No,' says he, like th' game kid he is. Wan iv th'
+polismin stharted to take hold iv him, but th' la-ad pushed him back;
+an' he wint to th' wagon on his mother's ar-rm."
+
+"And was he really innocent?" Mr. McKenna asked.
+
+"No," said Mr. Dooley. "But she niver knowed it. Th' ol' man come home
+an' found her: she was settin' in a big chair with her apron in her
+hands an th' picture iv th' la-ad in her lap."
+
+
+
+
+ON A PLOT.
+
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "th' European situation is becomin' a little
+gay."
+
+"It 'tis so," said Mr. Hennessy. "If I was conthrollin' anny iv the
+gr-reat powers, I'd go down to th' Phosphorus an' take th' sultan be th'
+back iv th' neck an' give him wan, two, three. 'Tis a shame f'r him to
+be desthroyin' white people without anny man layin' hands on him. Th'
+man's no frind iv mine. He ought to be impeached an' thrun out."
+
+"Divvle take th' sultan," said Mr. Dooley. "It's little I care f'r him
+or th' likes iv him or th' Ar-menyans or th' Phosphorus. I was runnin'
+over in me mind about th' poor lads they have sloughed up beyant f'r
+attimptin' to blow up Queen Victorya an' th cza-ar iv Rooshia. Glory be,
+but they'se nawthin' in the wide wurruld as aisy to undherstand as a
+rivoluchonary plot be our own people. You'll see a lad iv th' right sort
+that'd niver open his head fr'm wan end iv th' year to th'other; but,
+whin he's picked out to go on a mission to London, he niver laves off
+talkin' till they put him aboord th' steamer. Here was Tynan. They say
+he had a hand in sindin' Lord Cavendish down th' toboggan, though I'd
+not thrust his own tellin' as far as th' len'th iv me ar-rm. Now he
+figured out that th' thrue way to free Ireland was to go over an' blow
+th' windows in Winzer Palace, an' incidentally to hist th' queen an' th'
+Rooshian cza-ar without th' aid iv th' elevator. What this here Tynan
+had again th' Rooshian cza-ar I niver heerd. But 'twas something awful,
+ye may be sure.
+
+"Well, th' first thing th' la-ads done was to go to Madison Square
+Garden an' hold a secret meetin', in which thim that was to hand th'
+package to th' queen and thim that was to toss a piece iv gas pipe to
+his cza-ars was told off. Thin a comity was sint around to th' newspaper
+offices to tell thim th' expedition was about to start. Th'
+conspirators, heavily disgeesed, was attinded to th' boat be a long
+procission. First come Tynan ridin' on a wagon-load iv nithroglycerine;
+thin th' other conspirators, with gas-pipe bombs an' picks an' chuvvels
+f'r tunnellin' undher Winzer Castle; thin th' Ah-o-haitches; thin th'
+raypoorthers; thin a brigade iv Scotland Ya-ard spies in th' ga-arb iv
+polismin. An' so off they wint on their secret mission, with th' band
+playin' 'Th' Wearin' iv th' Green,' an Tynan standin' on th' quarther
+deck, smilin' an' bowin' an' wavin' a bag iv jint powdher over his head.
+
+"No sooner had th' conspirators landed thin th' British gover'mint begun
+to grow suspicious iv thim. Tynan was shadowed be detictives in
+citizens' clothes; an', whin he was seen out in his backyard practisin'
+blowin' up a bar'l that he'd dhressed in a shawl an' a little lace cap,
+th' suspicions growed. Ivrywhere that Tynan wint he was purshooed be th'
+minions iv tyranny. Whin he visited th' house nex' dure to th' queen's,
+an' unloaded a dhray full iv explosives an' chuvvels, the fact was
+rayported to th' polis, who become exthremely vigilant. Th' detictives
+followed him to Scotland Yard, where he wint to inform th' captain iv
+th' conspiracy, an' overheard much damming ividence iv th' plot until
+they become more an' more suspicious that something was on, although
+what was th' intintions iv th' conspirators it was hard to make out fr'm
+their peculiar actions. Whin Tynan gathered his followers in Hyde Park,
+an' notified thim iv the positions they was to take and disthributed th'
+dinnymite among thim, th' detictives become decidedly suspicious. Their
+suspicions was again aroused whin Tynan asked permission iv th' common
+council to build a bay window up close to th' queen's bedroom. But th'
+time to act had not come, an' they continted thimselves with thrackin'
+him through th' sthreets an' takin' notes iv such suspicious remarks as
+'Anny wan that wants mementoes iv th' queen has on'y to be around this
+neighborhood nex' week with a shovel an' a basket,' an' 'Onless ye want
+ye'er clothes to be spoiled be th' czar, ye'd best carry umbrellas.' On
+th' followin' day Tynan took th' step that was needed f'r to con-vince
+th' gover'mint that he had designs on the monarchs. He wint to France.
+It's always been obsarved that, whin a dinnymiter had to blow up
+annything in London, he laves th' counthry. Th' polis, now thoroughly
+aroused, acted with commindable promptness. They arristed Tynan in
+Booloon f'r th' murdher iv Cavendish.
+
+"Thus," said Mr. Dooley, sadly, "thus is th' vengeance f'r which our
+beloved counthry has awaited so long delayed be th' hand iv
+onscrupulious tyranny. Sthrive as our heroes may, no secrecy is secure
+against th' corruption iv British goold. Oh, Ireland, is this to be thy
+fate forever? Ar-re ye niver to escape th' vigilance iv th' polis, thim
+cold-eyed sleuths that seem to read th' very thoughts iv ye'er pathriot
+sons?"
+
+"There must have been a spy in th' ranks," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Sure thing," said Mr. Dooley, winking at Mr. McKenna. "Sure thing,
+Hinnissy. Ayether that or th' accomplished detictives at Scotland Yards
+keep a close watch iv the newspapers. Or it may be--who knows?--that
+Tynan was indiscreet. He may have dhropped a hint of his intintions."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE NEW WOMAN.
+
+
+"Molly Donahue have up an' become a new woman!
+
+"It's been a good thing f'r ol' man Donahue, though, Jawn. He shtud
+ivrything that mortal man cud stand. He seen her appearin' in th' road
+wearin' clothes that no lady shud wear an' ridin' a bicycle; he was
+humiliated whin she demanded to vote; he put his pride under his ar-rm
+an' ma-arched out iv th' house whin she committed assault-an'-batthry on
+th' piannah. But he's got to th' end iv th' rope now. He was in here
+las' night, how-come-ye-so, with his hat cocked over his eye an' a look
+iv risolution on his face; an' whin he left me, he says, says he,
+'Dooley,' he says, 'I'll conquir, or I'll die,' he says.
+
+"It's been comin f'r months, but it on'y bust oh Donahue las' week. He'd
+come home at night tired out, an' afther supper he was pullin' off his
+boots, whin Mollie an' th' mother begun talkin' about th' rights iv
+females. ''Tis th' era iv th' new woman,' says Mollie. 'Ye're right,'
+says th' mother. 'What d'ye mean be the new woman?' says Donahue,
+holdin' his boot in his hand. 'Th' new woman,' says Mollie, ''ll be free
+fr'm th' opprision iv man,' she says. 'She'll wurruk out her own way,
+without help or hinderance,' she says. She'll wear what clothes she
+wants,' she says, 'an' she'll be no man's slave,' she says. 'They'll be
+no such thing as givin' a girl in marredge to a clown an' makin' her
+dipindant on his whims,' she says. 'Th' women'll earn their own livin','
+she says; 'an' mebbe,' she says, 'th' men'll stay at home an' dredge in
+th' house wurruk,' she says. 'A-ho,' says Donahue. 'An' that's th' new
+woman, is it?' he says. An' he said no more that night.
+
+"But th' nex' mornin' Mrs. Donahue an' Mollie come to his dure. 'Get
+up,' says Mrs. Donahue, 'an' bring in some coal,' she says. 'Ye drowsy
+man, ye'll be late f'r ye'er wurruk.' 'Divvle th' bit iv coal I'll
+fetch,' says Donahue. 'Go away an' lave me alone,' he says. 'Ye're
+inthruptin' me dreams.' 'What ails ye, man alive?' says Mrs. Donahue.
+'Get up.' 'Go away,' says Donahue, 'an lave me slumber,' he says. 'Th'
+idee iv a couple iv big strong women like you makin' me wurruk f'r ye,'
+he says. 'Mollie 'll bring in th' coal,' he says. 'An' as f'r you,
+Honoria, ye'd best see what there is in th' cupboord an' put it in ye'er
+dinner-pail,' he says. 'I heerd th' first whistle blow a minyit ago,' he
+says; 'an' there's a pile iv slag at th' mills that has to be wheeled
+off befure th' sup'rintindint comes around,' he says. 'Ye know ye can't
+afford to lose ye'er job with me in this dilicate condition,' he says.
+'I'm going to sleep now,' he says. 'An', Mollie, do ye bring me in a cup
+iv cocoa an' a pooched igg at tin,' he says. 'I ixpect me music-teacher
+about that time. We have to take a wallop out iv Wagner an' Bootoven
+befure noon.' 'Th' Lord save us fr'm harm,' says Mrs. Donahue. 'Th'
+man's clean crazy.' 'Divvle's th' bit,' says Donahue, wavin' his red
+flannel undhershirt in th' air. 'I'm the new man,' he says.
+
+"Well, sir, Donahue said it flured thim complete. They didn't know what
+to say. Mollie was game, an' she fetched in th' coal; but Mrs. Donahue
+got nervous as eight o'clock come around. 'Ye're not goin' to stay in
+bed all day an' lose ye'er job,' she says. 'Th' 'ell with me job,' says
+Donahue. 'I'm not th' man to take wurruk whin they'se industhrees women
+with nawthin' to do,' he says. 'Show me th' pa-apers,' he says. 'I want
+to see where I can get an eighty-cint bonnet f'r two and a half.' He's
+that stubborn he'd've stayed in bed all day, but th' good woman
+weakened. 'Come,' she says, 'don't be foolish,' she says. 'Ye wudden't
+have th' ol' woman wurrukin' in th' mills,' she says. ''Twas all a
+joke,' she says. 'Oh-ho, th' ol' woman!' he says. 'Th' ol' woman! Well,
+that's a horse iv another color,' he says. 'An' I don't mind tellin' ye
+th' mills is closed down to-day, Honoria.' So he dhressed himsilf an'
+wint out; an' says he to Mollie, he says: 'Miss Newwoman,' says he, 'ye
+may find wurruk enough around th' house,' he says. 'An', if ye have
+time, ye might paint th' stoop,' he says. 'Th' ol' man is goin' to take
+th' ol' woman down be Halsted Sthreet' an' blow himsilf f'r a new shawl
+f'r her.'
+
+"An' he's been that proud iv th' victhry that he's been a reg'lar
+customer f'r a week."
+
+
+
+
+ON EXPERT TESTIMONY.
+
+
+"Annything new?" said Mr. Hennessy, who had been waiting patiently for
+Mr. Dooley to put down his newspaper.
+
+"I've been r-readin' th' tistimony iv th' Lootgert case," said Mr.
+Dooley.
+
+"What d'ye think iv it?"
+
+"I think so," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"Think what?"
+
+"How do I know?" said Mr. Dooley. "How do I know what I think? I'm no
+combination iv chemist, doctor, osteologist, polisman, an'
+sausage-maker, that I can give ye an opinion right off th' bat. A man
+needs to be all iv thim things to detarmine annything about a murdher
+trile in these days. This shows how intilligent our methods is, as Hogan
+says. A large German man is charged with puttin' his wife away into a
+breakfas'-dish, an' he says he didn't do it. Th' on'y question, thin,
+is, Did or did not Alphonse Lootgert stick Mrs. L. into a vat, an'
+rayjooce her to a quick lunch? Am I right?"
+
+"Ye ar-re," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"That's simple enough. What th' coort ought to've done was to call him
+up, an' say: 'Lootgert, where's ye'er good woman?' If Lootgert cudden't
+tell, he ought to be hanged on gin'ral principles; f'r a man must keep
+his wife around th' house, an' whin she isn't there, it shows he's a
+poor provider. But, if Lootgert says, 'I don't know where me wife is,'
+the coort shud say: 'Go out, an' find her. If ye can't projooce her in a
+week, I'll fix ye.' An' let that be th' end iv it.
+
+"But what do they do? They get Lootgert into coort an' stand him up
+befure a gang iv young rayporthers an' th' likes iv thim to make
+pitchers iv him. Thin they summon a jury composed iv poor tired, sleepy
+expressmen an' tailors an' clerks. Thin they call in a profissor from a
+colledge. 'Profissor,' says th' lawyer f'r the State, 'I put it to ye if
+a wooden vat three hundherd an' sixty feet long, twenty-eight feet deep,
+an' sivinty-five feet wide, an' if three hundherd pounds iv caustic soda
+boiled, an' if the leg iv a guinea pig, an' ye said yestherdah about
+bi-carbonate iv soda, an' if it washes up an' washes over, an' th'
+slimy, slippery stuff, an' if a false tooth or a lock iv hair or a
+jawbone or a goluf ball across th' cellar eleven feet nine inches--that
+is, two inches this way an' five gallons that?' 'I agree with ye
+intirely,' says th' profissor. 'I made lab'ratory experiments in an'
+ir'n basin, with bichloride iv gool, which I will call soup-stock, an'
+coal tar, which I will call ir'n filings. I mixed th' two over a hot
+fire, an' left in a cool place to harden. I thin packed it in ice, which
+I will call glue, an' rock-salt, which I will call fried eggs, an'
+obtained a dark, queer solution that is a cure f'r freckles, which I
+will call antimony or doughnuts or annything I blamed please.'
+
+"'But,' says th' lawyer f'r th' State, 'measurin' th' vat with gas,--an'
+I lave it to ye whether this is not th' on'y fair test,--an' supposin'
+that two feet acrost is akel to tin feet sideways, an' supposin' that a
+thick green an' hard substance, an' I daresay it wud; an' supposin' you
+may, takin' into account th' measuremints,--twelve be eight,--th' vat
+bein' wound with twine six inches fr'm th' handle an' a rub iv th'
+green, thin ar-re not human teeth often found in counthry sausage?' 'In
+th' winter,' says th' profissor. 'But th' sisymoid bone is sometimes
+seen in th' fut, sometimes worn as a watch-charm. I took two sisymoid
+bones, which I will call poker dice, an' shook thim together in a
+cylinder, which I will call Fido, poored in a can iv milk, which I will
+call gum arabic, took two pounds iv rough-on-rats, which I rayfuse to
+call; but th' raysult is th' same.' Question be th' coort: 'Different?'
+Answer: 'Yis.' Th' coort: 'Th' same.' Be Misther McEwen: 'Whose bones?'
+Answer: 'Yis.' Be Misther Vincent: 'Will ye go to th' divvle?' Answer:
+'It dissolves th' hair.'
+
+"Now what I want to know is where th' jury gets off. What has that
+collection iv pure-minded pathrites to larn fr'm this here polite
+discussion, where no wan is so crool as to ask what anny wan else
+means? Thank th' Lord, whin th' case is all over, the jury'll pitch th'
+tistimony out iv th' window, an' consider three questions: 'Did Lootgert
+look as though he'd kill his wife? Did his wife look as though she ought
+to be kilt? Isn't it time we wint to supper?' An', howiver they answer,
+they'll be right, an' it'll make little difference wan way or th' other.
+Th' German vote is too large an' ignorant, annyhow."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE POPULARITY OF FIREMEN.
+
+
+"I knowed a man be th' name iv Clancy wanst, Jawn. He was fr'm th'
+County May-o, but a good man f'r all that; an', whin he'd growed to be a
+big, sthrappin' fellow, he wint on to th' fire departmint. They'se an
+Irishman 'r two on th' fire departmint an' in th' army, too, Jawn,
+though ye'd think be hearin' some talk they was all runnin' prim'ries
+an' thryin' to be cinthral comitymen. So ye wud. Ye niver hear iv thim
+on'y whin they die; an' thin, murther, what funerals they have!
+
+"Well, this Clancy wint on th' fire departmint, an' they give him a
+place in thruck twinty-three. All th' r-road was proud iv him, an' faith
+he was proud iv himsilf. He r-rode free on th' sthreet ca-ars, an' was
+th' champeen hand-ball player f'r miles around. Ye shud see him goin'
+down th' sthreet, with his blue shirt an' his blue coat with th' buttons
+on it, an' his cap on his ear. But ne'er a cap or coat'd he wear whin
+they was a fire. He might be shiv'rin' be th' stove in th' ingine house
+with a buffalo robe over his head; but, whin th' gong sthruck, 'twas off
+with coat an' cap an' buffalo robe, an' out come me brave Clancy,
+bare-headed an' bare hand, dhrivin' with wan line an' spillin' th' hose
+cart on wan wheel at ivry jump iv th' horse. Did anny wan iver see a
+fireman with his coat on or a polisman with his off? Why, wanst, whin
+Clancy was standin' up f'r Grogan's eighth, his son come runnin' in to
+tell him they was a fire in Vogel's packin' house. He dhropped th' kid
+at Father Kelly's feet, an' whipped off his long coat an' wint tearin'
+f'r th' dure, kickin' over th' poorbox an' buttin' ol' Mis' O'Neill
+that'd come in to say th' stations. 'Twas lucky 'twas wan iv th'
+Grogans. They're a fine family f'r falls. Jawn Grogan was wurrukin' on
+th' top iv Metzri an' O'Connell's brewery wanst, with a man be th' name
+iv Dorsey. He slipped an' fell wan hundherd feet. Whin they come to see
+if he was dead, he got up, an' says he: 'Lave me at him.' 'At who?'
+says they. 'He's deliryous,' they says. 'At Dorsey,' says Grogan. 'He
+thripped me.' So it didn't hurt Grogan's eighth to fall four 'r five
+feet.
+
+"Well, Clancy wint to fires an' fires. Whin th' big organ facthry burnt,
+he carrid th' hose up to th' fourth story an' was squirtin' whin th'
+walls fell. They dug him out with pick an' shovel, an' he come up fr'm
+th' brick an' boards an' saluted th' chief. 'Clancy,' says th' chief,
+'ye betther go over an' get a dhrink.' He did so, Jawn. I heerd it. An'
+Clancy was that proud!
+
+"Whin th' Hogan flats on Halsted Sthreet took fire, they got all th'
+people out but wan; an' she was a woman asleep on th' fourth flure.
+'Who'll go up?' says Bill Musham. 'Sure, sir,' says Clancy, 'I'll go';
+an' up he wint. His captain was a man be th' name iv O'Connell, fr'm th'
+County Kerry; an' he had his fut on th' ladder whin Clancy started.
+Well, th' good man wint into th' smoke, with his wife faintin' down
+below. 'He'll be kilt,' says his brother. 'Ye don't know him,' says
+Bill Musham. An' sure enough, whin ivry wan'd give him up, out comes me
+brave Clancy, as black as a Turk, with th' girl in his arms. Th' others
+wint up like monkeys, but he shtud wavin' thim off, an' come down th'
+ladder face forward. 'Where'd ye larn that?' says Bill Musham. 'I seen a
+man do it at th' Lyceem whin I was a kid,' says Clancy. 'Was it all
+right?' 'I'll have ye up before th' ol' man,' says Bill Musham. 'I'll
+teach ye to come down a laddher as if ye was in a quadhrille, ye
+horse-stealin', ham-sthringin' May-o man,' he says. But he didn't.
+Clancy wint over to see his wife. 'O Mike,' says she, ''twas fine,' she
+says. 'But why d'ye take th' risk?' she says. 'Did ye see th' captain?'
+he says with a scowl. 'He wanted to go. Did ye think I'd follow a Kerry
+man with all th' ward lukkin' on?' he says.
+
+"Well, so he wint dhrivin' th' hose-cart on wan wheel, an' jumpin' whin
+he heerd a man so much as hit a glass to make it ring. All th' people
+looked up to him, an' th' kids followed him down th' sthreet; an' 'twas
+th' gr-reatest priv'lige f'r anny wan f'r to play dominos with him near
+th' joker. But about a year ago he come in to see me, an' says he,
+'Well, I'm goin' to quit.' 'Why,' says I, 'ye'er a young man yet,' I
+says. 'Faith,' he says, 'look at me hair,' he says,--'young heart, ol'
+head. I've been at it these twinty year, an' th' good woman's wantin' to
+see more iv me thin blowin' into a saucer iv coffee,' he says. 'I'm
+goin' to quit,' he says, 'on'y I want to see wan more good fire,' he
+says. 'A rale good ol' hot wan,' he says, 'with th' win' blowin' f'r it
+an' a good dhraft in th' ilivator-shaft, an' about two stories, with
+pitcher-frames an' gasoline an' excelsior, an' to hear th' chief
+yellin': "Play 'way, sivinteen. What th' hell an' damnation are ye
+standin' aroun' with that pipe f'r? Is this a fire 'r a dam livin'
+pitcher? I'll break ivry man iv eighteen, four, six, an' chem'cal five
+to-morrah mornin' befure breakfast." Oh,' he says, bringin' his fist
+down, 'wan more, an' I'll quit.'
+
+"An' he did, Jawn. Th' day th' Carpenter Brothers' box factory burnt.
+'Twas wan iv thim big, fine-lookin' buildings that pious men built out
+iv celluloid an' plasther iv Paris. An' Clancy was wan iv th' men undher
+whin th' wall fell. I seen thim bringin' him home; an' th' little woman
+met him at th' dure, rumplin' her apron in her hands."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE GAME OF FOOTBALL.
+
+
+"Whin I was a young man," said Mr. Dooley, "an' that was a long time
+ago,--but not so long ago as manny iv me inimies'd like to believe, if I
+had anny inimies,--I played futball, but 'twas not th' futball I see
+whin th' Brothers' school an' th' Saint Aloysius Tigers played las' week
+on th' pee-raries.
+
+"Whin I was a la-ad, iv a Sundah afthernoon we'd get out in th' field
+where th' oats'd been cut away, an' we'd choose up sides. Wan cap'n'd
+pick one man, an' th' other another. 'I choose Dooley,' 'I choose
+O'Connor,' 'I choose Dimpsey,' 'I choose Riordan,' an' so on till there
+was twinty-five or thirty on a side. Thin wan cap'n'd kick th' ball, an'
+all our side'd r-run at it an' kick it back; an' thin wan iv th' other
+side'd kick it to us, an' afther awhile th' game'd get so timpischous
+that all th' la-ads iv both sides'd be in wan pile, kickin' away at wan
+or th' other or at th' ball or at th' impire, who was mos'ly a la-ad
+that cudden't play an' that come out less able to play thin he was whin
+he wint in. An', if anny wan laid hands on th' ball, he was kicked be
+ivry wan else an' be th' impire. We played fr'm noon till dark, an'
+kicked th' ball all th' way home in the moonlight.
+
+"That was futball, an' I was a great wan to play it. I'd think nawthin'
+iv histin' th' ball two hundherd feet in th' air, an' wanst I give it
+such a boost that I stove in th' ribs iv th' Prowtestant minister--bad
+luck to him, he was a kind man--that was lookin' on fr'm a hedge. I was
+th' finest player in th' whole county, I was so.
+
+"But this here game that I've been seein' ivry time th' pagan fistival
+iv Thanksgivin' comes ar-round, sure it ain't th' game I played. I seen
+th' Dorgan la-ad comin' up th' sthreet yestherdah in his futball
+clothes,--a pair iv matthresses on his legs, a pillow behind, a mask
+over his nose, an' a bushel measure iv hair on his head. He was followed
+be three men with bottles, Dr. Ryan, an' th' Dorgan fam'ly. I jined
+thim. They was a big crowd on th' peerary,--a bigger crowd than ye cud
+get to go f'r to see a prize fight. Both sides had their frinds that
+give th' colledge cries. Says wan crowd: 'Take an ax, an ax, an ax to
+thim. Hooroo, hooroo, hellabaloo. Christyan Bro-others!' an' th' other
+says, 'Hit thim, saw thim, gnaw thim, chaw thim, Saint Aloysius!' Well,
+afther awhile they got down to wurruk. 'Sivin, eighteen, two, four,'
+says a la-ad. I've seen people go mad over figures durin' th' free
+silver campaign, but I niver see figures make a man want f'r to go out
+an' kill his fellow-men befure. But these here figures had th' same
+effect on th' la-ads that a mintion iv Lord Castlereagh'd have on their
+fathers. Wan la-ad hauled off, an' give a la-ad acrost fr'm him a punch
+in th' stomach. His frind acrost th' way caught him in th' ear. Th'
+cinter rush iv th' Saint Aloysiuses took a runnin' jump at th' left lung
+iv wan iv th' Christyan Brothers, an' wint to th' grass with him. Four
+Christyan Brothers leaped most crooly at four Saint Aloysiuses, an'
+rolled thim. Th' cap'n iv th' Saint Aloysiuses he took th' cap'n iv th'
+Christyan Brothers be th' leg, an' he pounded th' pile with him as I've
+seen a section hand tamp th' thrack. All this time young Dorgan was
+standin' back, takin' no hand in th' affray. All iv a suddent he give a
+cry iv rage, an' jumped feet foremost into th' pile. 'Down!' says th'
+impire. 'Faith, they are all iv that,' says I, 'Will iver they get up?'
+'They will,' says ol' man Dorgan. 'Ye can't stop thim,' says he.
+
+"It took some time f'r to pry thim off. Near ivry man iv th' Saint
+Aloysiuses was tied in a knot around wan iv th' Christyan Brothers. On'y
+wan iv them remained on th' field. He was lyin' face down, with his nose
+in th' mud. 'He's kilt,' says I. 'I think he is,' says Dorgan, with a
+merry smile. 'Twas my boy Jimmy done it, too,' says he. 'He'll be
+arrested f'r murdher,' says I. 'He will not,' says he. 'There's on'y
+wan polisman in town cud take him, an' he's down town doin' th' same f'r
+somebody,' he says. Well, they carried th' corpse to th' side, an' took
+th' ball out iv his stomach with a monkey wrinch, an' th' game was
+ray-shumed. 'Sivin, sixteen, eight, eleven,' says Saint Aloysius; an'
+young Dorgan started to run down th' field. They was another young la-ad
+r-runnin' in fr-front iv Dorgan; an', as fast as wan iv th' Christyan
+Brothers come up an' got in th' way, this here young Saint Aloysius
+grabbed him be th' hair iv th' head an' th' sole iv th' fut, an' thrun
+him over his shoulder. 'What's that la-ad doin'?' says I. 'Interferin','
+says he. 'I shud think he was,' says I, 'an' most impudent,' I says.
+''Tis such interference as this,' I says, 'that breaks up fam'lies'; an'
+I come away.
+
+"'Tis a noble sport, an' I'm glad to see us Irish ar-re gettin' into it.
+Whin we larn it thruly, we'll teach thim colledge joods fr'm th' pie
+belt a thrick or two."
+
+"We have already," said Mr. Hennessy. "They'se a team up in Wisconsin
+with a la-ad be th' name iv Jeremiah Riordan f'r cap'n, an' wan named
+Patsy O'Dea behind him. They come down here, an' bate th' la-ads fr'm
+th' Chicawgo Colledge down be th' Midway."
+
+"Iv coorse, they did," said Mr. Dooley. "Iv coorse, they did. An' they
+cud bate anny collection iv Baptists that iver come out iv a tank."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE NECESSITY OF MODESTY AMONG THE RICH.
+
+
+"I wondher," said Mr. Hennessy, "if thim Hadley-Markhams that's goin' to
+give th' ball is anny kin iv th' aldherman?"
+
+"I doubt it," said Mr. Dooley. "I knowed all his folks. They're Monaghan
+people, an' I niver heerd iv thim marryin' into th' Hadleys, who come
+fr'm away beyant near th' Joynt's Causeway. What med ye think iv thim?"
+
+"I was readin' about th' Prowtestant minister that give thim such a
+turnin' over th' other night," said Hennessy. Then the Philistine went
+on: "It looks to me as though th' man was wr-rong, an' th'
+Hadley-Markhams was right. Faith, th' more th' poor can get out iv th'
+r-rich, th' better f'r thim. I seen it put just r-right in th' paper th'
+other day. If these people didn't let go iv their coin here, they'd take
+it away with thim to Paris or West Baden, Indiana, an' spind it instid
+iv puttin' it in circulation amongst th' florists an' dhressmakers an'
+hackmen they'll have to hire. I believe in encouragin' th' rich to walk
+away fr'm their change. 'Tis gr-reat f'r business."
+
+Mr. Dooley mused over this proposition some time before he said:--
+
+"Years ago, whin I was a little bit iv a kid, hardly high enough to look
+into th' pot iv stirabout on th' peat fire, they was a rich landlord in
+our part iv Ireland; an' he ownded near half th' counthryside. His name
+was Dorsey,--Willum Edmund Fitzgerald Dorsey, justice iv th' peace,
+mimber iv Parlymint.
+
+"I'll niver tell ye how much land that man had in his own r-right. Ye
+cud walk f'r a day without lavin' it, bog an' oat-field an' pasthure an'
+game presarves. He was smothered with money, an' he lived in a house as
+big as th' Audjitoroom Hotel. Manny's th' time I've seen him ride by our
+place, an' me father'd raise his head from th' kish iv turf an' touch
+his hat to th' gr-reat man. An' wanst or twict in th' month th' dogs'd
+come yelpin' acrost our little place, with lads follerin' afther in
+r-red coats; f'r this Dorsey was a gr-reat huntsman, bad scran to his
+evil face.
+
+"He had th' r-reputation iv bein' a good landlord so long as th' crops
+come regular. He was vilent, it's thrue, an' 'd as lave as not cut a
+farmer acrost th' face with his whip f'r crossin' th' thrail iv th' fox;
+but he was liberal with his money, an', Hinnissy, that's a thrait that
+covers a multitude iv sins. He give freely to th' church, an' was as
+gin'rous to th' priest as to th' parson. He had th' gintry f'r miles
+around to his big house f'r balls an' dinners an' huntin' meetin's, an'
+half th' little shopkeepers in th' neighborin' town lived on th' money
+he spent f'r th' things he didn't bring fr'm Dublin or London. I mind
+wanst a great roar wint up whin he stayed th' whole season in England
+with his fam'ly. It near broke th' townsfolk, an' they were wild with
+delight whin he come back an' opened up th' big house.
+
+"But wan year there come a flood iv rain, an' th nex' year another
+flood, an' th' third year there wasn't a lumper turned up that wasn't
+blue-black to th' hear-rt. We was betther off than most, an' we suffered
+our share, Gawd knows; but thim that was scrapin' th' sod f'r a bare
+livin' fr'm day to day perished like th' cattle in th' field.
+
+"Thin come th' writs an' th' evictions. Th' bailiffs dhrove out in
+squads, seizin' cattle an' turnin' people into th' r-road. Nawthin' wud
+soften th' hear-rt iv Dorsey. I seen th' priest an' th' 'Piscopal
+ministher dhrivin' over to plead with him wan night; an' th' good man
+stopped at our house, comin' back, an' spent th' night with us. I heerd
+him tell me father what Dorsey said. 'Haven't I been lib'ral with me
+people?' he says. 'Haven't I give freely to ye'er churches? Haven't I
+put up soup-houses an' disthributed blankets whin th' weather was cold?
+Haven't I kept th' shopkeepers iv th' town beyant fr'm starvin' be
+thradin' with thim an' stayin' in this cur-rsed counthry, whin, if I'd
+done what me wife wanted, I'd been r-runnin' around Europe, enj'yin'
+life? I'm a risidint landlord. I ain't like Kilduff, that laves his
+estate in th' hands iv an agint. I'm proud iv me station. I was bor-rn
+here, an' here I'll die; but I'll have me r-rights. These here people
+owes their rent, an' I'll get th' rent or th' farms if I have to call on
+ivry rig'mint fr'm Bombay to Cape Clear, an' turn ivry oat-field into a
+pasture f'r me cattle. I stand on th' law. I'm a just man, an' I ask no
+more thin what belongs to me.'
+
+"Ivry night they was a party on th' hill, an' th' people come fr'm miles
+around; an' th' tinants trudgin' over th' muddy roads with th' peelers
+behind thim cud see th' light poorin' out fr'm th' big house an' hear
+Devine's band playin' to th' dancers. Th' shopkeepers lived in clover,
+an' thanked th' lord f'r a good landlord, an' wan that lived at home.
+But one avnin' a black man be th' name iv Shaughnessy, that had thramped
+acrost th' hills fr'm Galway just in time to rent f'r th' potato rot,
+wint and hid himself in a hedge along th' road with a shotgun loaded
+with hardware under his coat. Dorsey'd heerd talk iv the people bein'
+aggrieved at him givin' big parties while his bailiffs were hustlin' men
+and women off their hold-in's; but he was a high-handed man, an' foolish
+in his pride, an' he'd have it no other way but that he'd go about
+without protection. This night he rode alongside th' carredge iv some iv
+his frinds goin' to th' other side iv town, an' come back alone in th'
+moonlight. Th' Irish ar-re poor marksmen, Hinnissy, except whin they
+fire in platoons; but that big man loomin' up in th' moonlight on a
+black horse cud no more be missed thin th' r-rock iv Cashel. He niver
+knowed what hit him; an' Pether th' Packer come down th' followin'
+month, an' a jury iv shopkeepers hanged Shaughnessy so fast it med even
+th' judge smile."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "I suppose he desarved it; but, if I'd been
+on th' jury, I'd've starved to death before I'd give th' verdict."
+
+"Thrue," said Mr. Dooley. "An' Dorsey was a fool. He might've evicted
+twinty thousan' tinants, an' lived to joke about it over his bottle.
+'Twas th' music iv th' band an' th' dancin' on th' hill an' th' lights
+th' Galway man seen whin he wint up th' muddy road with his babby in his
+arrums that done th' business f'r Dorsey."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE POWER OF LOVE.
+
+
+"'Twas this way," said Mr. Hennessy, sparring at Mr. Dooley. "Fitz led
+his right light on head, thin he stuck his thumb in Corbett's hear-rt,
+an' that was th' end iv th' fight an' iv Pompydour Jim. I tol' ye how it
+wud come out. Th' punch over th' hear-rt done th' business."
+
+"Not at all," said Mr. Dooley. "Not at all. 'Twas Mrs. Fitzsimmons done
+th' business. Did ye see the pitcher iv that lady? Did ye? Well,
+'twud've gone har-rd with th' lad if he'd lost th' fight in th' ring.
+He'd have to lose another at home. I'll bet five dollars that th' first
+lady iv th' land licks th' champeen without th' aid iv a stove lid. I
+know it.
+
+"As me good frind, Jawn Sullivan, says, 'tis a great comfort to have
+little reminders iv home near by whin ye're fightin'. Jawn had none,
+poor lad; an' that accounts f'r th' way he wint down at last. Th' home
+infloo-ence is felt in ivry walk iv life. Whin Corbett was poundin' th'
+first jintleman iv th' land like a man shinglin' a roof, th' first lady
+iv th' land stood in th' corner, cheerin' on th' bruised an' bleedin'
+hero. 'Darlin'' she says, 'think iv ye'er home, me love. Think,' she
+says, 'iv our little child larnin' his caddychism in Rahway, New
+Jersey,' she says. 'Think iv th' love I bear ye,' she says, 'an' paste
+him,' she says, 'in th' slats. Don't hit him on th' jaw,' she says.
+'He's well thrained there. But tuck ye'er lovin' hooks into his diseased
+an' achin' ribs,' she says. 'Ah, love!' she says, 'recall thim happy
+goolden days iv our coortship, whin we walked th' counthry lane in th'
+light iv th' moon,' she says, 'an hurl yer maulies into his hoops,' she
+says. 'Hit him on th' slats!' An' Fitz looked over his shoulder an' seen
+her face, an' strange feelin's iv tendherness come over him; an' thinks
+he to himself: 'What is so good as th' love iv a pure woman? If I don't
+nail this large man, she'll prob'ly kick in me head.' An' with this
+sacred sintimint in his heart he wint over an' jolted Corbett wan over
+th' lathes that retired him to th' home f'r decayed actors.
+
+"'Twas woman's love that done it, Hinnissy. I'll make a bet with ye
+that, if th' first lady iv th' land had been in th' ring instead iv th'
+first jintleman, Corbett wudden't have lasted wan r-round. I'd like to
+have such a wife as that. I'd do th' cookin', an' lave th' fightin' to
+her. There ought to be more like her. Th' throuble with th' race we're
+bringin' up is that th' fair sect, as Shakespeare calls thim, lacks
+inthrest in their jooty to their husbands. It's th' business iv men to
+fight, an' th' business iv their wives f'r to make thim fight. Ye may
+talk iv th' immyrality iv nailin' a man on th' jaw, but 'tis in this way
+on'y that th' wurruld increases in happiness an' th' race in strenth.
+Did ye see annywan th' other day that wasn't askin' to know how th'
+fight come out? They might say that they re-garded th' exhibition as
+brutal an' disgustin', but divvle a wan iv thim but was waitin' around
+th' corner f'r th' rayturns, an' prayin' f'r wan or th' other iv th'
+big lads. Father Kelly mentioned th' scrap in his sermon last Sundah. He
+said it was a disgraceful an' corruptin' affair, an' he was ashamed to
+see th' young men iv th' parish takin' such an inthrest in it in Lent.
+But late Winsdah afthernoon he came bust-lin' down th' sthreet. 'Nice
+day,' he says. It was poorin' rain. 'Fine,' says I. 'They was no parade
+to-day,' he says. 'No,' says I. 'Too bad,' says he; an' he started to
+go. Thin he turned, an' says he: 'Be th' way, how did that there foul
+an' outhrajous affray in Carson City come out?' 'Fitz,' says I, 'in th'
+fourteenth.' 'Ye don't say,' he says, dancin' around. 'Good,' he says.
+'I told Father Doyle this mornin' at breakfuss that if that red-headed
+man iver got wan punch at th' other lad, I'd bet a new cassock--Oh,
+dear!' he says, 'what am I sayin'?' 'Ye're sayin',' says I, 'what
+nine-tenths iv th' people, laymen an' clargy, are sayin',' I says.
+'Well,' he says, 'I guess ye're right.' he says. 'Afther all,' he says,
+'an' undher all, we're mere brutes; an' it on'y takes two lads more
+brutal than th' rest f'r to expose th' sthreak in th' best iv us. Foorce
+rules th' wurruld, an' th' churches is empty whin th' blood begins to
+flow.' he says. 'It's too bad, too bad.' he says. 'Tell me, was Corbett
+much hurted?' he says."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE VICTORIAN ERA.
+
+
+"Ar-re ye goin' to cillybrate th' queen's jubilee?" asked Mr. Dooley.
+
+"What's that?" demanded Mr. Hennessy, with a violent start.
+
+"To-day," said Mr. Dooley, "her gracious Majesty Victorya, Queen iv
+Great Britain an' that part iv Ireland north iv Sligo, has reigned f'r
+sixty long and tiresome years."
+
+"I don't care if she has snowed f'r sixty years," said Mr. Hennessy.
+"I'll not cillybrate it. She may be a good woman f'r all I know, but dam
+her pollytics."
+
+"Ye needn't be pro-fane about it," said Mr. Dooley. "I on'y ast ye a
+civil question. F'r mesilf, I have no feelin' on th' subject. I am not
+with th' queen an' I'm not again her. At th' same time I corjally agree
+with me frind Captain Finerty, who's put his newspaper in mournin' f'r
+th' ivint. I won't march in th' parade, an' I won't put anny dinnymite
+undher thim that does. I don't say th' marchers an' dinnymiters ar-re
+not both r-right. 'Tis purely a question iv taste, an', as the ixicutive
+says whin both candydates are mimbers iv th' camp, 'Pathrites will use
+their own discreetion.'
+
+"Th' good woman niver done me no har-rm; an', beyond throwin' a rock or
+two into an orangey's procission an' subscribin' to tin dollars' worth
+iv Fenian bonds, I've threated her like a lady. Anny gredge I iver had
+again her I burrid long ago. We're both well on in years, an' 'tis no
+use carrying har-rd feelin's to th' grave. About th' time th' lord
+chamberlain wint over to tell her she was queen, an' she came out in her
+nitey to hear th' good news, I was announced into this wurruld iv sin
+an' sorrow. So ye see we've reigned about th' same lenth iv time, an' I
+ought to be cillybratin' me di'mon' jubilee. I wud, too, if I had anny
+di'mon's. Do ye r-run down to Aldherman O'Brien's an' borrow twinty or
+thirty f'r me.
+
+"Great happenin's have me an' Queen Victorya seen in these sixty years.
+Durin' our binificent prisince on earth th' nations have grown r-rich
+an' prosperous. Great Britain has ixtinded her domain until th' sun
+niver sets on it. No more do th' original owners iv th' sile, they bein'
+kept movin' be th' polis. While she was lookin' on in England, I was
+lookin' on in this counthry. I have seen America spread out fr'm th'
+Atlantic to th' Pacific, with a branch office iv the Standard Ile
+Comp'ny in ivry hamlet. I've seen th' shackles dropped fr'm th' slave,
+so's he cud be lynched in Ohio. I've seen this gr-reat city desthroyed
+be fire fr'm De Koven Sthreet to th' Lake View pumpin' station, and thin
+rise felix-like fr'm its ashes, all but th' West Side, which was not
+burned. I've seen Jim Mace beat Mike McCool, an' Tom Allen beat Jim
+Mace, an' somebody beat Tom Allen, an' Jawn Sullivan beat him, an'
+Corbett beat Sullivan, an' Fitz beat Corbett; an', if I live to
+cillybrate me goold-watch-an'-chain jubilee, I may see some wan put it
+all over Fitz.
+
+"Oh, what things I've seen in me day an' Victorya's! Think iv that
+gran' procission iv lithry men,--Tinnyson an' Longfellow an' Bill Nye
+an' Ella Wheeler Wilcox an' Tim Scanlan an'--an' I can't name thim all:
+they're too manny. An' th' brave gin'rals,--Von Molkey an' Bismarck an'
+U.S. Grant an' gallant Phil Shurdan an' Coxey. Think iv thim durin' me
+reign. An' th' invintions,--th' steam-injine an' th' printin'-press an'
+th' cotton-gin an' the gin sour an' th' bicycle an' th' flyin'-machine
+an' th' nickel-in-th'-slot machine an' th' Croker machine an' th' sody
+fountain an'--crownin' wurruk iv our civilization--th' cash raygisther.
+What gr-reat advances has science made in my time an' Victorya's! f'r,
+whin we entered public life, it took three men to watch th' bar-keep,
+while to-day ye can tell within eight dollars an hour what he's took in.
+
+"Glory be, whin I look back fr'm this day iv gin'ral rejoicin' in me
+rhinestone jubilee, an' see what changes has taken place an' how manny
+people have died an' how much betther off th' wurruld is, I'm proud iv
+mesilf. War an' pest'lence an' famine have occurred in me time, but I
+count thim light compared with th' binifits that have fallen to th' race
+since I come on th' earth."
+
+"What ar-re ye talkin' about?" cried Mr. Hennessy, in deep disgust. "All
+this time ye've been standin' behind this bar ladlin' out disturbance to
+th' Sixth Wa-ard, an' ye haven't been as far east as Mitchigan Avnoo in
+twinty years. What have ye had to do with all these things?"
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I had as much to do with thim as th' queen."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE CURRENCY QUESTION.
+
+
+"There's some tough knots in this here currency question," said Mr.
+McKenna. "A lot of things I don't quite catch."
+
+"Cough thim up," said Mr. Dooley. "I'm a reg'lar caddychism iv coinage.
+Who made ye? Gawd made me. Why did he make ye? F'r to know Him, love
+Him, an' sarve Him all me days. That's th' way iv th' caddychism I
+learned whin I was a la-ad behind a hedge; but now 'tis: Who made ye?
+Ladenburg, Thalman an' Comp'ny made me. Why did they make ye? F'r to
+know thim, love thim, an' sarve thim all me days. O-ho!"
+
+"That's all r-right," said Mr. Thomas Larkin, the Kerry horseshoer, who
+was leaning over the cigar-case, reading what Mr. Lincoln, Mr. Blaine,
+Mr. Edward Atkinson, and Mr. Andrew D. White had to say in a small
+pamphlet. "That's all r-right, Martin. But ye're talkin' like a Populist
+an' an anarchist an' a big bullhead gen'rally. Ye bring up two or three
+Jew men, an' think f'r to scare us with thim. But look here. Supposin' a
+man comes into my place an' lays down on th' anvil a silver dollar, an'
+I give it a wallop with me hammer"--
+
+"Thin," said Mr. Dooley, "ye're knockin' th' gover'mint."
+
+"How am I?" said Mr. Larkin. "Niver mind now: I take this here silver
+dollar, an' I fetch it wan with me hammer. What happens?"
+
+"Th' man that give ye th' dollar hands ye wan in th' nose," said Mr.
+Dooley.
+
+"Not at all, not at--all," said Mr. Larkin. "I take this here mutilated
+an' disfigured an' bum dollar down to th' three-asury, an' I hand it in;
+an' Carlisle says, 'What kind iv an ol' piece iv mud is this ye're
+flingin' at me?' he says. 'Take it away: it's nawthin' to me.'"
+
+"True for you, Larkin," said Mr. McKenna. "You're on the right track.
+Carlisle couldn't take it after you'd smashed it."
+
+"But," said Mr. Dooley, "look here: if ye had th' free an' unlimited
+coinage iv silver at a ratio iv sixteen to wan, ye cud take this here
+mass iv silver down to Carlisle, an' say, 'Here, Jawn, give me a
+dollar'; an' he'd have to give it to ye."
+
+"A dollar of what?" said Mr. McKenna.
+
+"A dollar iv what?" repeated Mr. Dooley. "A dollar iv what? Man alive,
+don't ye know what a dollar is? Carlisle'd hand him out a plunk, a case,
+a buck. He'd say, 'Here, Larkin, ye're a dam fool to be malthreatin' th'
+currincy iv yer adophted counthry, but I have to give ye a dollar
+because ye're a good fellow an' a frind iv Dooley's.'"
+
+"He wouldn't say anything of the kind," said Mr. McKenna. "He'd give
+Larkin fifty cents."
+
+"I'd push his face in if he did," said Mr. Larkin, warmly. "I'm as good
+a ma-an as he is anny day. I'll have no man rob me."
+
+"But he wouldn't rob you," said Mr. McKenna. "Think of the purchasing
+power: you've got to always figure that out. A dollar you'd get then
+would be worth only half as much as it's worth now. It'd be a dollar
+like they run through the ringer down in Mexico."
+
+"How can wan dollar be worth on'y half as much as another dollar, if
+they're both dollars an' th' man that made thim is at la-arge?" answered
+Mr. Dooley. "Here's a dollar, an' here's a dollar. Wan akels th' other.
+Now you take this here dollar, an' come into my place. 'Give me a brandy
+an' sody,' ye say. Thin what do I say?"
+
+"You say you're just out of brandy and soda."
+
+"So I do, so I do. Thin you ask f'r a little liquor with beer f'r a
+chaser. An' I give it to ye. Ye lay down wan iv these here quartz
+dollars. I return eighty-five cints. Larkin comes in later, ordhers th'
+same thing, an' I give him th' same threatment. I play no fav-rites.
+Entertainmint f'r man an' beast."
+
+"But, if we had free silver, you'd charge thirty cents for the drink,"
+said Mr. McKenna.
+
+"I wud not," said Mr. Dooley, hotly. "I niver overcharged a man in my
+life, except durin' a campaign."
+
+"No one accuses you of overcharging," explained Mr. McKenna. "Everybody
+would charge the same. It'd be the regular price."
+
+"If it was," said Mr. Dooley, "they'd be a rivolution. But I don't
+believe it, Jawn. Let me tell ye wan thing. Whisky is th' standard iv
+value. It niver fluctuates; an' that's funny, too, seein' that so much
+iv it goes down. It was th' same price--fifteen cints a slug, two f'r a
+quarther--durin' the war; an' it was th' same price afther the war. The
+day befure th' crime iv sivinty-three it was worth fifteen cints: it was
+worth th' same th' day afther. Goold and silver fluctuates, up wan day,
+down another; but whisky stands firm an' strong, unchangeable as th'
+skies, immovable as a rock at fifteen or two f'r a quarther. If they
+want something solid as a standard iv value, something that niver is
+rajjooced in price, something ye can exchange f'r food an' other
+luxuries annywhere in th' civilized wurruld where man has a thirst,
+they'd move th' Mint over to th' internal rivinue office, and lave it
+stay there."
+
+Both Mr. Larkin and Mr. McKenna were diverted by this fancy.
+
+"There's some good argumints on both sides iv th' quisthion," said the
+Kerry man. "I heerd a man be th' name of Doyle, a helper, compare money
+to th' human lungs."
+
+"Th' lung argumint is all right," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' whole currency
+question is a matther iv lungs."
+
+
+
+
+ON POLITICAL PARADES.
+
+
+Mr. Hennessy, wearing a silver-painted stovepipe hat and a silver cape
+and carrying a torch, came in, looking much the worse for wear. The hat
+was dented, the cape was torn, and there were marks on Mr. Hennessy's
+face.
+
+"Where ye been?" asked Mr. Dooley.
+
+"Ma-archin,'" said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Be th' looks iv ye, ye might have been th' line iv ma-arch f'r th'
+p'rade. Who's been doin' things to ye?"
+
+"I had a currency debate with a man be th' name iv Joyce, a towny iv
+mine, in th' Audjiotoroom Hotel," said Mr. Hennessy. "Whin we got as far
+as th' price iv wheat in th' year iv th' big wind, we pushed each other.
+Give me a high glass iv beer. I'm as dhry as a gravel roof."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, handing over the glass, "ye're an ol' man; an',
+as th' good book says, an ol' fool is th' worst yet. So I'll not thry to
+con-vince ye iv th' error iv ye'er ways. But why anny citizen that has
+things in his head shud dhress himself up like a sandwich-man, put a
+torch on his shoulder, an' toddle over this blessid town with his poor
+round feet, is more than I can come at with all me intelligence.
+
+"I agree with ye perfectly, Hinnissy, that this here is a crisis in our
+histhry. On wan hand is arrayed th' Shylocks an' th' pathrites, an' on
+th' other side th' pathrites an' th' arnychists. Th' Constitution must
+be upheld, th' gover'mint must be maintained, th' down-throdden farmer
+an' workin'man must get their rights. But do ye think, man alive, that
+ye're goin' to do this be pourin' lard ile frim ye'er torch down ye'er
+spine or thrippin' over sthreet-car tracks like a dhray-horse thryin' to
+play circus? Is th' Constitution anny safer to-night because ye have to
+have ye'er leg amputated to get ye'er boot off, or because Joyce has
+made ye'er face look like th' back dure-step iv a German resthrant?
+
+"Jawnny Mack took me down in th' afthernoon f'r to see th' monsthrous
+p'rade iv th' goold men. It was a gloryous spectacle. Th' sthreets were
+crowded with goold bugs an' women an' polismin an' ambulances. Th'
+procission was miles an' miles long. Labor an' capital marched side be
+side, or annyhow labor was in its usual place, afther th' capitalists.
+It was a noble sight f'r to see th' employer iv workin'men marchin'
+ahead iv his band iv sturdy toilers that to rest thimsilves afther th'
+layboryous occupations iv th' week was reelin' undher banners that
+dhrilled a hole in their stomachs or carryin' two-be-four joists to show
+their allegance to th' naytional honor. A man that has to shovel coke
+into a dhray or shove lumber out iv th' hole iv a barge or elevate his
+profession be carryin' a hod iv mort to th' top iv a laddher doesn't
+march with th' grace iv an antelope, be a blamed sight. To march well, a
+man's feet have to be mates; an', if he has two left feet both runnin'
+sideways, he ought to have interference boots to keep him fr'm settin'
+fire to his knees. Whin a man walks as if he expected to lave a leg
+stuck in th' sthreet behind him, he has th' gait proper f'r half-past
+six o'clock th' avenin' before pay-day. But 'tis not th' prance iv an
+American citizen makin' a gloryous spectacle iv himsilf."
+
+"They were coerced," said Mr. Hennessy, gloomily.
+
+"Don't ye believe it," replied the philosopher. "It niver requires
+coercion to get a man to make a monkey iv himsilf in a prisidintial
+campaign. He does it as aisily as ye dhrink ye'er liquor, an' that's too
+aisy. Don't ye believe thim lads with lumber ya-ards on their necks an'
+bar'ls on their feet was coerced. There wasn't wan iv thim that wudden't
+give his week's wages f'r a chanst to show how many times he cud thrip
+over a manhole in a mile. No more coerced than ye are whin ye r-run down
+town an' make an ape iv ye-ersilf. I see ye marchin' away fr'm
+Finucane's with th' Willum J. O'Briens. Th' man nex' to ye had a banner
+declarin' that he was no slave. 'Twas th' la-ad Johnson. He was
+r-right. He is no slave, an' he won't be wan as long as people have
+washin' to give to his wife. Th' man I see ye takin' a dhrink with had a
+banner that said if th' mines was opened th' mills would be opened, too.
+He meant be that, that if money was plenty enough f'r him to get some
+without wurrukin', he'd open a gin mill. An' ye ma-arched afther Willum
+J. O'Brien, didn't ye? Well, he's a good la-ad. If I didn't think so, I
+wudden't say it until I got me strenth back or cud buy a gun. But did
+Willum J. O'Brien march? Not Willie. He was on horseback; an', Hinnissy,
+if dollars was made out iv Babbit metal, an' horses was worth
+sixty-sivin cints a dhrove, ye cudden't buy a crupper."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "annyhow, I proved me hathred iv capital."
+
+"So ye did," said Mr. Dooley. "So ye did. An' capital this afthernoon
+showed its hatred iv ye. Ye ought to match blisters to see which hates
+th' worst. Capital is at home now with his gams in a tub iv hot wather;
+an' whin he comes down to-morrah to oppriss labor an' square his
+protisted notes, he'll have to go on all fours. As f'r you, Hinnissy, if
+'twill aise ye anny, ye can hang f'r a few minyits fr'm th' gas
+fixtures. Did th' goold Dimmycrats have a p'rade?"
+
+"No," said Mr. Hennessy. "But they rayviewed th' day procission fr'm th'
+Pammer House. Both iv thim was on th' stand."
+
+
+
+
+ON CHARITY.
+
+
+"Br-r-r!" cried Mr. McKenna, entering stiffly and spreading his hands
+over the potbellied stove. "It's cold."
+
+"Where?" asked Mr. Dooley. "Not here."
+
+"It's cold outside," said Mr. McKenna. "It was ten below at Shannahan's
+grocery when I went by, and the wind blowing like all possessed. Lord
+love us, but I pity them that's got to be out to-night."
+
+"Save ye'er pity," said Mr. Dooley, comfortably. "It ain't cowld in
+here. There's frost on th' window, 'tis thrue for ye; an' th' wheels has
+been singin' th' livelong day. But what's that to us? Here I am, an'
+there ye are, th' stove between us an' th' kettle hummin'. In a minyit
+it'll bile, an' thin I'll give ye a taste iv what'll make a king iv ye.
+
+"Well, tubby sure, 'tis thryin' to be dhrivin' a coal wagon or a
+sthreet-car; but 'tis all in a lifetime. Th' diff'rence between me an'
+th' man that sets up in th' seat thumpin' his chest with his hands is no
+more thin th' diff'rence between him an' th' poor divvle that walks
+along behind th' wagon with his shovel on his shoulder, an' 'll thank
+th' saints f'r th' first chanst to put tin ton iv ha-ard coal into a
+cellar f'r a quarther iv a dollar. Th' lad afoot invies th' dhriver, an'
+th' dhriver invies me; an' I might invy big Cleveland if it wasn't f'r
+th' hivinly smell iv this here noggin. An' who does Cleveland invy?
+Sure, it'd be sacreliege f'r me to say.
+
+"Me ol' father, who was as full iv sayin's as an almanac, used to sink
+his spoon into th' stirabout, an' say, 'Well, lads, this ain't bacon an'
+greens an' porther; but it'll be annything ye like if ye'll on'y think
+iv th' Cassidys.' Th' Cassidys was th' poorest fam'ly in th' parish.
+They waked th' oldest son in small beer, an' was little thought of. Did
+me father iver ask thim in to share th' stirabout? Not him. An' he was
+the kindest man in th' wurruld. He had a heart in him as big as a lump
+iv turf, but he'd say, 'Whin ye grow up, take no wan's sorrows to
+ye'ersilf,' he says. ''Tis th' wise man that goes through life thinkin'
+iv himsilf, fills his own stomach, an' takes away what he can't ate in
+his pocket.' An' he was r-right, Jawn. We have throubles enough iv our
+own. Th' wurruld goes on just th' same, an' ye can find fifty men to say
+th' lit'ny f'r ye to wan that'll give ye what'll relieve a fastin' spit.
+Th' dead ar-re always pop'lar. I knowed a society wanst to vote a
+monyment to a man an' refuse to help his fam'ly, all in wan night. 'Tis
+cowld outside th' dure, ye say, but 'tis war-rum in here; an' I'm
+gettin' in me ol' age to think that the diff'rence between hivin an'
+hell is no broader"--
+
+Mr. Dooley's remarks were cut short by a cry from the back room. It was
+unmistakably a baby's cry. Mr. McKenna turned suddenly in amazement as
+Mr. Dooley bolted.
+
+"Well, in the name of the saints, what's all this?" he cried, following
+his friend into the back room. He found the philosopher, with an
+expression of the utmost sternness, sitting on the side of his bed, with
+a little girl of two or three in his arms. The philosopher was
+singing:----
+
+   Ar-rah rock-a-bye, babby, on th' three top:
+   Whin th' wind blo-ows, th' cradle ull r-rock;
+   An', a-whin th' bough breaks, th' cradle ull fa-a-a-ll,
+   An' a-down ull come babby, cradle, an' all.
+
+Then he sang:----
+
+   In th' town iv Kilkinny there du-wilt a fair ma-aid,
+   In th' town iv Kilkinny there du-wilt a fair ma-aid.
+   She had cheeks like th' roses, an' hair iv th' same,
+   An' a mouth like ripe sthrawburries burrid in crame.
+
+He rocked the child to and fro, and its crying ceased while he sang:----
+
+   Chip, chip, a little horse;
+       Chip, chip, again, sir.
+   How manny miles to Dublin?
+       Threescure an' tin, sir.
+
+The little girl went to sleep on Mr. Dooley's white apron. He lifted her
+tenderly, and carried her over to his bed. Then he tiptoed out with an
+apprehensive face, and whispered: "It's Jawn Donahue's kid that wandherd
+away fr'm home, an' wint to sleep on me dure-step. I sint th' Dorsey boy
+to tell th' mother, but he's a long time gone. Do ye run over, Jawn, an'
+lave thim know."
+
+
+
+
+ON NANSEN.
+
+
+"I see," said Mr. Dooley, "that Doc Nansen has come back."
+
+"Yes," said Mr. McKenna. "It's a wonder he wouldn't stay till winter. If
+I was setting on an iceberg in latitude umpty-ump north of Evanston
+these days, they couldn't pry me off it with a crowbar. Not they."
+
+"He had to come back," explained Mr. Hennessy. "He got as far as he cud,
+an' thin he was foorced be th' inclimincy iv th' weather to return to
+his home in Feechoold, Norway."
+
+"To where?" Mr. Dooley asked contemptuously.
+
+"To Foocheeld, Norway," said Mr. Hennessy, with some misgivings.
+
+"Ye don't know what ye're talkin' about," retorted the philosopher. "Ye
+ought to go back to school an' study gee-ography. Th' place he come back
+to was Oostoc, Norway, between Coopenhaagen an'--an' Rogers Park."
+
+"Maybe ye're right," said Mr. Hennessy. "Annyhow, he come back, chased
+be a polar bear. It must iv been a thrillin' experience, leppin' fr'm
+iceberg to iceberg, with a polar bear grabbin' at th' seat iv his pants,
+an' now an' thin a walrus swoopin' down fr'm a three an' munchin' his
+hat."
+
+"What ta-alk have ye?" Mr. Dooley demanded. "A walrus don't fly, foolish
+man!"
+
+"What does he do, thin?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Go 'round on crutches?"
+
+"A walrus," said Mr. Dooley, "is an animal something like a hor-rse, but
+more like a balloon. It doesn't walk, swim, or fly. It rowls whin
+pur-suin' its prey. It whirls 'round an' 'round at a speed akel to a
+railroad injine, meltin' th' ice in a groove behind it. Tame walruses
+are used be th' Eskeemyoos, th' old settlers iv thim parts, as
+lawnmowers an' to press their clothes. Th' wild walrus is a mos' vicious
+animal, which feeds on snowballs through th' day, an' thin goes out iv
+nights afther artic explorers, which for-rms its principal diet. Theyse
+a gr-reat demand among walruses f'r artic explorers, Swedes preferred;
+an' on account iv th' scarcity iv this food it isn't more than wanst in
+twinty years that th' walrus gets a square meal. Thin he devours his
+victim, clothes, collar-buttons, an' all."
+
+"Well, well," said Mr. Hennessy. "I had no idee they was that ferocious.
+I thought they were like bur-rds. Don't they lay eggs?"
+
+"Don't they lay eggs?" Mr. Dooley replied. "Don't they lay eggs? Did ye
+iver hear th' like iv that, Jawn? Why, ye gaby, ye might as well ask me
+does a pianny lay eggs. Iv coorse not."
+
+"I'd like to know what the objict of these here arctic explorations is,"
+interposed Mr. McKenna, in the interests of peace.
+
+"Th' principal objict is to get rid iv an over-supply iv foolish
+people," said Mr. Dooley. "In this counthry, whin a man begins f'r to
+see sthrange things, an' hitch up cockroaches, an' think he's Vanderbilt
+dhrivin' a four-in-hand, we sind him to what me ol' frind Sleepy Burk
+calls th' brain college. But in Norway an' Sweden they sind him to th'
+North Pole, an' feed him to th' polar bears an' th' walruses. A man that
+scorches on a bicycle or wears a pink shirt or is caught thryin' to fry
+out a stick iv dinnymite in a kitchen stove is given a boat an' sint off
+to play with Flora an' Fauna in th' frozen North."
+
+"That's what I'd like to know," said Mr. Hennessy. "Who ar-re these
+Flora an' Fauna? I see be th' pa-aper that Doc Nansen stopped at
+Nootchinchoot Islands, an' saw Flora an' Fauna; an' thin, comin' back on
+th' ice, he encountherd thim again."
+
+"I suppose," said Mr. Dooley, "ye think Flora an' Fauna is two little
+Eskeemy girls at skip-rope an' 'London bridge is fallin' down' on th'
+icebergs an' glaziers. It's a pretty idee ye have iv th' life in thim
+parts. Little Flora an' little Fauna playin' stoop-tag aroun' a whale or
+rushin' th' can f'r their poor tired father just home fr'm th'
+rollin'-mills, where he's been makin' snowballs f'r th' export thrade,
+or engagin' in some other spoort iv childhood! Go wan with ye!"
+
+"But who are they, annyhow?"
+
+"I make it a rule in me life not to discuss anny woman's charac-ter,"
+replied Mr. Dooley, sternly. "If Doc Nansen was off there skylarkin'
+with Flora an' Fauna, it's his own business, an' I make no inquiries. A
+lady's a lady, be she iver so humble; an', as Shakespeare says, cursed
+be th' man that'd raise an ax to her, save in th' way iv a joke. We'll
+talk no scandal in this house, Hinnissy."
+
+But, after his friend had gone, Mr. Dooley leaned over confidentially,
+and whispered to Mr. McKenna, "But who are Flora an' Fauna, Jawn?"
+
+"I don't know," said Mr. McKenna.
+
+"It sounds mighty suspicious, annyhow," said the philosopher. "I hope
+th' doc'll be able to square it with his wife."
+
+
+
+
+ON A POPULIST CONVENTION.
+
+
+"Keep ye'er eye on th' Pops, Jawn. They're gr-reat people an' a gr-reat
+pa-arty. What is their principles? Anny ol' thing that th' other
+pa-arties has rijected. Some iv thim is in favor iv coining money out iv
+baled hay an' dhried apples at a ratio iv sixteen to wan, an' some is in
+favor iv coinin' on'y th' apples. Thim are th' inflationists. Others
+want th' gover'mint to divide up the rivinues equally among all la-ads
+that's too sthrong to wurruk. Th' Pops is again th' banks an' again the
+supreme court an again havin' gas that can be blowed out be th' human
+lungs. A sthrong section is devoted to th' principal iv separatin' Mark
+Hanna fr'm his money.
+
+"A ma-an be th' name iv Cassidy, that thravels f'r a liquor-house, was
+in to see me this mornin'; an' he come fr'm Saint Looey. He said it beat
+all he iver see or heerd tell of. Whin th' convintion come to ordher,
+th' chairman says, 'La-ads, we'll open proceedin's be havin' th'
+Hon'rable Rube Spike, fr'm th' imperyal Territ'ry iv Okalahoma, cough up
+his famous song, "Pa-pa Cleveland's Teeth are filled with Goold."' 'Mr.
+Chairman,' says a delegate fr'm New Mexico, risin' an' wavin' his boots
+in th' air, 'if th' skate fr'm Okalahoma is allowed f'r to belch anny in
+this here assimblage, th' diligates fr'm th' imperyal Territ'ry iv New
+Mex-ico'll lave th' hall. We have,' he says, 'in our mist th' Hon'rable
+Lafayette Hadley, whose notes,' he says, 'falls as sweetly on th' ear,'
+he says, 'as th' plunk iv hivin's rain in a bar'l,' he says. 'If annywan
+has a hemorrhage iv anthems in this hall, it'll be Lafe Hadley, th'
+Guthrie batsoon,' he says. 'Ye shall not,' he says, 'press down upon our
+bleedin' brows,' he says, 'this cross iv thorns,' he says. 'Ye shall not
+crucify th' diligates fr'm th' imperyal Territ'ry iv New Mexico on this
+cross iv a Mississippi nigger an' Crow Injun fr'm Okalahoma,' he says.
+Thereupon, says me frind Cassidy, th' New Mexico diligation left th'
+hall, pursued be th' diligation from Okalahoma.
+
+"Th' chairman knowed his business. 'In ordher,' he says, 'that there may
+be no disordher,' he says, 'I will call upon th' imperyal States,' he
+says, 'an Territ'ries,' he says, 'beginnin' with th' imperyal State iv
+Alabama,' he says, 'to each sind wan singer to th' platform,' he says,
+'f'r to wring our hear-rts with melodies,' he says. 'Meantime,' says he,
+'pathrites who have differences iv opinyon on anny questions can
+pro-cure ex-helves be applyin' to th' sergeant-at-arms,' he says. 'Now,'
+he says, 'if th' gintleman fr'm th' imperyal State of Mizzoury'll hand
+me up a cheek full iv his eatin' tobacco,' he says, 'we'll listen to
+Willyum G. Rannycaboo, th' boy melodjun iv th' imperyal State iv
+Alabama,' he says, 'who'll discourse his well-known ballad, 'Th' Supreme
+Court is Full iv Standard Ile,' he says.
+
+"Whin th' singin' had con-cluded, so me frind Cassidy says, th' chair
+announced that speakin' would be in ordher, an' th' convintion rose as
+wan man. Afther ordher had been enforced be th' sergeant-at-arms movin'
+round, an' lammin' diligates with a hoe, a tall man was seen standin' on
+a chair. F'r some moments th' chairman was onable to call his name, but
+he fin'lly found a place to spill; an' in a clear voice he says, 'F'r
+what purpose does th' gintleman fr'm the imperyal State iv Texas arise?'
+'I arise,' says th' ma-an, 'f'r th' purpose iv warnin' this convintion
+that we have a goold-bug in our mist,' he says. Cries iv 'Throw him
+out!' 'Search him!' 'Hang him!' arose. 'In wandhrin' through th' hall, I
+just seen a man with a coat on,' he says. Great excitement ensood, says
+me frind Cassidy; an' th' thremblin' victim was brought down th' aisle.
+'What have ye to say f'r ye'ersilf?' demands th' chairman in thundhrin'
+tones. 'On'y this,' says th' goold-bug. 'I wandhered in here, lookin'
+f'r frinds,' he says. 'I am not a goold-bug,' he says. 'I wear me coat,'
+he says, 'because I have no shirt,' he says. 'Gintlemen,' says th'
+chairman, 'a mistake has been made,' he says. 'This here person, who
+bears th' appearance iv a plutocrat, is all right underneath,' he says.
+'He's a diligate to th' silver convintion,' he says. 'Go in peace,' he
+says.
+
+"Be this time 'twas gr-rowin' late, an' th' convintion adjourned.
+'Befure ye lave,' says th' chairman, 'I have to announce that on account
+iv th' chairman of the comity havin' been imprisoned in a foldin'-bed
+an' th' sicrity havin' mistook th' fire extinguisher f'r a shower bath,
+they'll be no meeting' iv th' comity on rules till to-morrow night.
+Durin' th' interval,' he says, 'th' convintion'll continue
+ketch-as-ketch can,' he says."
+
+"Well," said Mr. McKenna, "to think of taking this here country out of
+the hands of William C. Whitney and Grover Cleveland and J. Pierpont
+Morgan and Ickleheimer Thalmann, and putting it in the hands of such
+men. What do you think about it?"
+
+"I think," said Mr. Dooley, "that Cassidy lied."
+
+
+
+
+ON A FAMILY REUNION.
+
+
+"Why aren't you out attending the reunion of the Dooley family?" Mr.
+McKenna asked the philosopher.
+
+"Thim's no rel-ations to me," Mr. Dooley answered. "Thim's farmer
+Dooleys. No wan iv our fam'ly iver lived in th' counthry. We live in th'
+city, where they burn gas an' have a polis foorce to get on to. We're no
+farmers, divvle th' bit. We belong to th' industhreel classes. Thim must
+be th' Fermanagh Dooleys, a poor lot, Jawn, an' always on good terms
+with th' landlord, bad ciss to thim, says I. We're from Roscommon.
+They'se a Dooley family in Wixford an' wan near Ballybone that belonged
+to th' constabulary. I met him but wanst. 'Twas at an iviction; an',
+though he didn't know me, I inthrajooced mesilf be landin' him back iv
+th' ear with a bouldher th' size iv ye'er two fists together. He didn't
+know me aftherwards, ayether.
+
+"We niver had but wan reunion iv th' Dooley fam'ly, an' that was tin
+years ago. Me cousin Felix's boy Aloysius,--him that aftherwards wint to
+New York an' got a good job dhrivin' a carredge f'r th' captain iv a
+polis station,--he was full iv pothry an' things; an' he come around wan
+night, an' says he, 'D'ye know,' he says, ''twud be th' hite iv a good
+thing f'r th' Dooleys to have a reunion,' he says. 'We ought to come
+together,' he says, 'an' show the people iv this ward,' he says, 'how
+sthrong we are,' he says. 'Ye might do it betther, me buck,' says I,
+'shovellin' slag at th' mills,' I says. 'But annyhow, if ye'er mind's
+set on it, go ahead,' I says, 'an' I'll attind to havin' th' polis
+there,' I says, 'f'r I have a dhrag at th' station.'
+
+"Well, he sint out letthers to all th' Roscommon Dooleys; an' on a
+Saturdah night we come together in a rinted hall an' held th' reunion.
+'Twas great sport f'r a while. Some iv us hadn't spoke frindly to each
+other f'r twinty years, an' we set around an' tol' stories iv Roscommon
+an' its green fields, an' th' stirabout pot that was niver filled, an'
+th' blue sky overhead an' th' boggy ground undherfoot. 'Which Dooley was
+it that hamsthrung th' cows?' 'Mike Dooley's Pat.' 'Naw such thing:
+'twas Pat Dooley's Mike. I mane Pat Dooley's Mike's Pat.' F'r 'tis with
+us as with th' rest iv our people. Ye take th' Dutchman: he has as manny
+names to give to his childher as they'se nails in his boots, but an
+Irishman has th' pick iv on'y a few. I knowed a man be th' name iv
+Clancy,--a man fr'm Kildare. He had fifteen childher; an', whin th' las'
+come, he says, 'Dooley, d'ye happen to know anny saints?' 'None iv thim
+thrades here,' says I. 'Why?' says I. 'They'se a new kid at th' house,'
+he says; 'an', be me troth, I've run out iv all th' saints I knew, an',
+if somewan don't come to me assistance, I'll have to turn th' child out
+on th' wurruld without th' rag iv a name to his back,' he says.
+
+"But I was tellin' ye about th' reunion. They was lashins iv dhrink an'
+story-tellin', an' Felix's boy Aloysius histed a banner he had made
+with 'Dooley aboo' painted on it. But, afther th' night got along, some
+iv us begun to raymimber that most iv us hadn't been frinds f'r long.
+Mrs. Morgan Dooley, she that was Molly Dooley befure she married Morgan,
+she turns to me, an' says she, ''Tis sthrange they let in that Hogan
+woman,' she says,--that Hogan woman, Jawn, bein' th' wife iv her
+husband's brother. She heerd her say it, an' she says, 'I'd have ye to
+undherstand that no wan iver come out iv Roscommon that cud hold up
+their heads with th' Hogans,' she says. ''Tis not f'r th' likes iv ye to
+slandher a fam'ly that's iv th' landed gintry iv Ireland, an' f'r two
+pins I'd hit ye a poke in th' eye,' she says. If it hadn't been f'r me
+bein' between thim, they'd have been trouble; f'r they was good frinds
+wanst. What is it th' good book says about a woman scorned? Faith, I've
+forgotten.
+
+"Thin me uncle Mike come in, as rough a man as iver laid hands on a
+polisman. Felix Dooley was makin' a speech on th' vartues iv th'
+fam'ly. 'Th' Dooleys,' says he, 'can stand before all th' wurruld, an'
+no man can say ought agin ayether their honor or their integrity,' says
+he. 'Th' man that's throwin' that at ye,' says me uncle Mike, 'stole a
+saw fr'm me in th' year sivinty-five.' Felix paid no attintion to me
+uncle Mike, but wint on, 'We point proudly to th' motto, "Dooley
+aboo--Dooley f'river."' 'Th' saw aboo,' says me uncle Mike. 'Th'
+Dooleys,' says Felix, 'stood beside Red Hugh O'Neill; an', whin he cut
+aff his hand,--' 'He didn't cut it off with anny wan else's saw,' says
+me uncle Mike. 'They'se an old sayin',' wint on Felix. 'An' ol' saw,'
+says me uncle Mike. 'But 'twas new whin ye stole it.'
+
+"'Now look here,' says Aloysius, 'this thing has gone far enough. 'Tis
+an outrage that this here man shud come here f'r to insult th' head iv
+th' fam'ly.' 'Th' head iv what fam'ly?' says Morgan Dooley, jumpin' up
+as hot as fire. 'I'm th' head iv th' fam'ly,' he says, 'be right iv
+histhry.' 'Ye're an ol' cow,' says me uncle Mike. 'Th' back iv me hand
+an' th' sowl iv me fut to all iv ye,' he says. 'I quit ye,' he says.
+'Ye're all livin' here undher assumed names'; an' he wint out, followed
+be Morgan Dooley with a chair in each hand.
+
+"Well, they wasn't two Dooleys in th' hall'd speak whin th' meetin'
+broke up; an' th' Lord knows, but I don't to this day, who's th' head iv
+th' Dooley fam'ly. All I know is that I had wan th' nex' mornin'."
+
+
+
+
+ON A FAMOUS WEDDING.
+
+
+"Ye see, Jawn," he said "'twas this way: The Jook iv Marlburrow is a
+young lad an' poor. Ye can't think of a jook bein' poor, but 'tis a fact
+that they'se many a wan iv thim that's carryin' th' banner at this
+minyit. Hinnissy, if he had his rights, is Jook iv Munster; an' ye know
+what he's got. The Jook iv Marlburrow, whin he come out iv th' academy
+where they had him, he hadn't a cint to his name. Ne'er a wan.
+
+"They ain't manny jobs f'r a young jook. Th' thrade is limited; an' this
+here la-ad wint round night an' day lookin' f'r a sign, 'Wanted, a young
+jook, r-ready an' willin' to do light family jookin',' an' no sign did
+he see. He was in a bad way; f'r the la-ad's father was dead, th' ol'
+jook. He was a fine bucko. He had a divorce fr'm his wife, an' marrid
+another; an', whin he died, she marrid somewan else an' took the
+roly-boly with her. This was ha-ard on th' lad.
+
+"But he come iv a noble race, an' wan that had reed burruds whin their
+betthers had snowballs. Did ye iver read histhry, Jawn? Ye ought to.
+'Tis betther thin th' Polis Gazette, an' near as thrue. Well, Jawn, this
+here young man come fr'm a gr-eat gin'ral, a fine-lookin' la-ad that had
+manny a mash in his day, an' niver lost money be wan iv thim. Ye'll find
+all about him in Casey's 'Histhry iv English Misrule in Ireland: Th'
+Story iv a Crime.' 'Tis good readin'.
+
+"Th' la-ad's father marrid a rich woman. So did his uncle. So ye see he
+was a natural bor-rn fi-nanceer. An' he begun to luk around him f'r what
+th' pa-apers calls a 'financee.'
+
+"He didn't have far to go. I dinnaw how he done it, whether th'
+Ganderbilks asked him 'r he asked th' Ganderbilks. Annyhow, 'twas
+arranged. 'Twas horse an' horse between thim. Th' Ganderbilks had money,
+an' he was a jook. They was wan divorce on each side. So they imported
+him over, what they call assisted immygration. He didn't come undher
+th' head iv skilled workman. They must've classed him as a domestic
+servant. Th' first thing he done was to get himsilf arristed. A man be
+th' name iv Sweeney,--there are some good Sweeneys, though it's a name I
+don't like on account iv wan iv thim stealin' me fa-ather's
+grin'stone,--a man be th' name iv Sweeney, a polisman, r-run him in f'r
+disordherly conduct. They got him out with a pull. Thin he sint f'r
+lawyers an' f'r his financee's father, an' they settled down to talk
+business. 'Well,' says Ganderbilk, 'how much d'ye want?' he says. 'I'll
+give ye a millyon.' 'Goowan,' says th' jook, 'I cud get that much
+marryin' somewan I knew.' 'Thin how much d'ye want?' says Ganderbilk.
+'Well,' says th' jook, th' castle has to be put in repair. Th' plumbin'
+is all gone to th' divvle, an' they'll have to be a new catch-basin put
+in,' he says. 'Thin they'se calciminin' an' paper-hangin',--well, call
+it tin millyons.' 'But what do I get out iv it?' says Ganderbilk. 'Have
+ye a ticket to th' church to see me marrid?' says th' jook. 'No,' says
+his pappa-in-law. 'Well, here's a couple,' says th' jook. 'Bring wan iv
+ye'er frinds with ye.' So Ganderbilk he coughed.
+
+"They say th' jook was that poor he had to have his coat made out iv what
+was left over fr'm his pants, they do so. But he was at th' church
+bright an' early; an' Ganderbilk he was there, too, standin' out on th'
+steps in th' cold, combin' his whiskers--he wears a pair iv
+sluggers--with his fingers. Afther awhile his daughter, the jook's
+financee, come along; an', seein' the jook, says she, 'Pappa,' she says,
+'inthrojooce me to ye'er frind.' 'Jook,' says Ganderbilk, 'shake hands
+with me daughther. She's your's,' he says. An' so they were marrid.
+
+"Well, Jawn," said Mr. Dooley, becoming serious, "'tis a dhroll wurruld,
+an' I suppose we've got to take th' jooks an' th' Ganderbilks with the
+r-rest. I'm goin' to a weddin' mesilf nex' week. Th' banns has been
+called between little Dalia Hogan an' big Tom Moran. They've been
+engaged f'r three year, her wurrkin' in a box facthry an' him doin'
+overtime at th' blast. They've money enough to start, an' it'll not cost
+ol' ma-an Hogan a cint. But, whin he spoke about it las' night, he cried
+as if his heart'd break."
+
+
+
+
+ON A QUARREL BETWEEN ENGLAND AND GERMANY.
+
+
+Mr. McKenna was aware that a gentle feud had existed between Mr. Dooley
+and Mr. Schwartzmeister, the German saloon-keeper down Archey Road, for
+some years. It was based upon racial differences, but had been accented
+when Mr. Schwartzmeister put in a pool table. Of course there was no
+outburst. When the two met on the street, Mr. Dooley saluted his
+neighbor cordially, in these terms: "Good-nobben, Hair Schwartzmeister,
+an' vas magst too yet, me brave bucko!" To which Mr. Schwartzmeister
+invariably retorted: "Py chapers, Tooley, where you haf been all der
+time, py chapers?" But this was mere etiquette. In the publicity of
+their own taverns they entertained no great regard for each other. Mr.
+Schwartzmeister said a friend of his had been poisoned by Mr. Dooley's
+beer, and Mr. Dooley confessed that he would rather go to a harness-shop
+for whiskey than to Mr. Schwartzmeister's. Consequently, Mr. McKenna
+was amazed to learn that Mr. Schwartzmeister had been entertained by the
+philosopher, and that they had paraded Archey Road arm-in-arm at a late
+hour.
+
+"Tubby sure he was," said Mr. Dooley. "Tubby sure he was. Right where
+ye're standin' at this moment, me dhrinkin' beer an' him callin' f'r hot
+Irish. 'Make it hot,' he says. 'Make it hot, me frind; an' we'll make it
+hot f'r th' British between us,' says Schwartzmeister.
+
+"It come about this way: Ye see Willum Joyce come in, an' says he,
+'We've got thim.' 'Sure,' says I. 'We've the comityman, haven't we?'
+'Th' Dutch is with us,' he says. 'I mane the Germans is our frinds.'
+'Ye're goin' too far there,' says I. 'Stuckart was again Reed las'
+spring.' 'No, no,' says Willum Joyce, he says. 'Th' Germans is up in
+ar-rms again th' Sassenach,' he says. 'Mind ye,' he says, 'mind ye,' he
+says, ''tis our jooty to be frindly with th' Germans,' he says. 'I'm
+now on me way f'r to organize a camp iv me Dutch frinds down be th'
+slough,' he says. An' off he goes.
+
+"'Twas not long afther whin I heerd a man singin' 'Th' Wearin' iv th'
+Green' down th' sthreet, an' in come Schwartzmeister. 'Faugh a ballagh,'
+says he, meanin' to be polite. 'Lieb vaterland,' says I. An' we had a
+dhrink together.
+
+"'Vell,' says he (ye know th' murdhrin' way he has iv speakin'), 'here
+we are,' he says, 'frinds at las'.' 'Thrue f'r ye,' says I. 'Tooley,' he
+says, f'r he calls me that, 'we're wan to-night, alretty,' he says. 'We
+are that,' says I. 'But, glory be, who iver thought th' Irish'd live to
+see th' day whin they'd be freed be th' Dutch? Schwartz, me lieber
+frind,' I says, 'here's a health to th' imp'ror, hock,' says I.
+'Slanthu,' says he; an' we had wan.
+
+"''Twud be a great combination,' says I, 'We'd carry th' wa-ard be th'
+biggest majority iver heerd iv,' I says. 'We wud so,' says he. 'I'd be
+aldherman.' 'Afther me,' says I. ''Tis my turn first,' I says. 'I don't
+know about that,' says he. 'Now,' says I, 'look here, Schwartzmeister,'
+I says. 'This here arrangement between Germany an' Ireland has got to be
+brought down to th' Sixth Wa-ard,' I says. 'Do ye f'rgive th' way we
+done ye in th' beer rites?' I says. 'I do,' says he. 'They was befure me
+time.' 'Well,' says I, 'are ye sure ye can get over th' whalin' ye got
+whin th' Sarsfield Fife an' Dhrum Corpse met th' Frederick Willum Picnic
+Band?' I says. 'I do,' says he. 'An' ye have no har-rd feelin' about th'
+way th' bridges has been give out?' 'Not a thrace,' says he. 'Well,'
+says I, 'Schwartz,' I says, 'they'se wan thing more,' I says. 'We're
+both pathrites,' I says. 'We have a common cause,' I says. 'Ye're a
+Dutchman, an' I'm iv' th' other sort,' I says. 'But we're both again th'
+Sassenach,' I says. 'An' in th' inthrests iv th' freedom iv Ireland,' I
+says, 'I f'rgive ye th' pool table.'
+
+"Well, sir, Jawn, he wept like a child. 'Tooley,' he says, 'we'll march
+side be side,' he says. 'Both iv us in th' front rank,' he says.
+'Aldherman Tooley an' Aldherman Schwartzmeister, to free Ireland,' he
+says. 'But where does Germany come in?' he says. 'Germany!' says I,
+'Germany! Well, we'll take care iv Germany, all right. We'll let Germans
+into th' prim'ries,' I says. An' there an' thin we formed th'
+Sarsfield-an'-Gatty camp. Gatty is a German frind iv Schwartzmeister. We
+shook dice to see which name'd come first. Ireland won. They was my
+dice.
+
+"I learned Schwartzmeister th' Shan-van-Voght before we was through; an'
+I've got th' German naytional chune be heart,--'Ich vice nit wauss allus
+bay doitan'. What'll ye have to drink, Jawn?"
+
+And, as Mr. McKenna went out, he heard his friend muttering: "Freed be
+th' Dutch! Freed be the Dutch! An' we niver give thim so much as a
+dillygate."
+
+
+
+
+ON ORATORY IN POLITICS.
+
+
+"I mind th' first time Willum J. O'Brien r-run f'r office, th'
+Raypublicans an' th' Indypindants an' th' Socialists an' th'
+Prohybitionist (he's dead now, his name was Larkin) nommynated a young
+man be th' name iv Dorgan that was in th' law business in Halsted
+Sthreet, near Cologne, to r-run again' him. Smith O'Brien Dorgan was his
+name, an' he was wan iv th' most iloquint young la-ads that iver made a
+speakin' thrumpet iv his face. He cud holler like th' impire iv a
+base-ball game; an', whin he delivered th' sintimints iv his hear-rt,
+ye'd think he was thryin' to confide thim to a man on top iv a high
+buildin'. He was prisidint iv th' lithry club at th' church; an' Father
+Kelly tol' me that, th' day afther he won th' debate on th' pen an' th'
+soord in favor iv th' pen, they had to hire a carpenter to mend th'
+windows, they'd sagged so. They called him th' boy or-rator iv Healey's
+slough.
+
+"He planned th' campaign himsilf. 'I'll not re-sort,' says he, 'to th'
+ordin'ry methods,' he says. 'Th' thing to do,' he says, 'is to prisint
+th' issues iv th' day to th' voters,' he says. 'I'll burn up ivry
+precin't in th' ward with me iloquince,' he says. An' he bought a long
+black coat, an' wint out to spread th' light.
+
+"He talked ivrywhere. Th' people jammed Finucane's Hall, an' he tol'
+thim th' time had come f'r th' masses to r-rise. 'Raymimber,' says he,
+'th' idees iv Novimb'r,' he says. 'Raymimber Demosthens an' Cicero an'
+Oak Park,' he says. 'Raymimber th' thraditions iv ye'er fathers, iv
+Washin'ton an' Jefferson an' Andhrew Jackson an' John L. Sullivan,' he
+says. 'Ye shall not, Billy O'Brien,' he says, 'crucify th' voters iv th'
+Sixth Ward on th' double cross,' he says. He spoke to a meetin' in
+Deerin' Sthreet in th' same wurads. He had th' sthreet-car stopped while
+he coughed up ree-marks about th' Constitution, until th' bar-rn boss
+sint down an' threatened to discharge Mike Dwyer that was dhrivin' wan
+hundherd an' eight in thim days, though thransferred to Wintworth Avnoo
+later on. He made speeches to polismin in th' squadroom an' to good
+la-ads hoistin' mud out iv th' dhraw at th' red bridge. People'd be
+settin' quite in th' back room playin' forty-fives whin Smith O'Brien
+Dorgan'd burst in, an' addhress thim on th' issues iv th' day.
+
+"Now all this time Bill O'Brien was campaignin' in his own way. He niver
+med wan speech. No wan knew whether he was f'r a tariff or again wan, or
+whether he sthud be Jefferson or was knockin' him, or whether he had th'
+inthrests iv th' toilin' masses at hear-rt or whether he wint to mass at
+all, at all. But he got th' superintindint iv th' rollin'-mills with
+him; an' he put three or four good faml'ies to wurruk in th' gas-house,
+where he knew th' main guy, an' he made reg'lar calls on th' bar-rn boss
+iv th' sthreet-ca-ars. He wint to th' picnics, an' hired th' orchesthry
+f'r th' dances, an' voted himsilf th' most pop'lar man at th' church
+fair at an expinse iv at laste five hundherd dollars. No wan that come
+near him wanted f'r money. He had headquarthers in ivry saloon fr'm wan
+end iv th' ward to th' other. All th' pa-apers printed his pitcher, an'
+sthud by him as th' frihd iv th' poor.
+
+"Well, people liked to hear Dorgan at first, but afther a few months
+they got onaisy. He had a way iv breakin' into festive gatherin's that
+was enough to thry a saint. He delayed wan prize fight two hours,
+encouragin' th' voters prisint to stand be their principles, while th'
+principles sat shiverin' in their cor-rners until th' polis r-run him
+out. It got so that men'd bound into alleys whin he come up th' sthreet.
+People in th' liquor business rayfused to let him come into their
+places. His fam'ly et in th' coal-shed f'r fear iv his speeches at
+supper. He wint on talkin', and Willum J. O'Brien wint on handin' out
+th' dough that he got fr'm th' gas company an' con-ciliatin' th' masses;
+an', whin iliction day come, th' judges an' clerks was all f'r O'Brien,
+an' Dorgan didn't get votes enough to wad a gun. He sat up near all
+night in his long coat, makin' speeches to himsilf; but tord mornin' he
+come over to my place where O'Brien sat with his la-ads. 'Well,' says
+O'Brien, 'how does it suit ye?' he says. 'It's sthrange,' says Dorgan.
+'Not sthrange at all,' says Willum J. O'Brien. 'Whin ye've been in
+politics as long as I have, ye'll know,' he says, 'that th' roly-boly is
+th' gr-reatest or-rator on earth,' he says. 'Th' American nation in th'
+Sixth Ward is a fine people,' he says. 'They love th' eagle,' he says,
+'on th' back iv a dollar,' he says. 'Well,' says Dorgan, 'I can't
+undherstand it,' he says. 'I med as manny as three thousan' speeches,'
+he says. 'Well,' says Willum J. O'Brien, 'that was my majority,' he
+says. 'Have a dhrink,' he says."
+
+
+
+
+ON CHRISTMAS GIFTS.
+
+
+The approach of Christmas is heralded in Archey Road by many of the
+signs that are known to the less civilized and more prosperous parts of
+the city. The people look poorer, colder, and more hopeful than at other
+times. The bakeries assume an old country appearance of gayety. The
+saloons are well filled. Also, if you have your eyes about you, you may
+catch a glimpse, now and then, through a frosted window-pane of a
+stunted Christmas tree, laden slenderly with glass balls and ropes of
+red popcorn, the work of painful hands after the childher are abed. Mr.
+Dooley knew Christmas was coming by the calendar, the expiration of his
+quarterly license, and Mr. Hennessy coming in with a doll in his pocket
+and a rocking-chair under his arm.
+
+"Prisints?" said the philosopher.
+
+"Yis," said Mr. Hennessy. "I had to do it. I med up me mind this year
+that I wudden't buy anny Chris'mas prisints or take anny. I can't
+afford it. Times has been fearful ha-ard, an' a look iv pain comes over
+th' ol' woman's face whin I hold out fifty cints fr'm me salary on
+Saturdah night. I give it out that I didn't want annything, but they'se
+so much scurryin' ar-round an' hidin' things whin I go in that I know
+they've got something f'r me. I cudden't stand it no longer, so I wint
+down town to-night, down be Shekel an' Whooper's place, an' bought these
+things. This is a fine doll f'r th' money."
+
+"It is," said Mr. Dooley, taking the doll and examining it with the eye
+of an art critic. "It closes its eyes,--yis, an', bedad, it cries if ye
+punch it. They're makin' these things more like human bein's ivry year.
+An' does it say pap-pah an' mam-mah, I dinnaw?"
+
+"No," said Mr. Hennessy, "th' pap-pah an' mam-mah dolls costs too much."
+
+"Well," continued Mr. Dooley, "we can't have ivrything we want in this
+wurruld. If I had me way, I'd buy goold watches an' chains f'r ivrybody
+in th' r-road, an' a few iv th' good Germans. I feel that gin'rous. But
+'tis no use. Ye can't give what ye want. Ivry little boy ixpects a pony
+at Chris'mas, an' ivry little girl a chain an' locket; an' ivry man
+thinks he's sure goin' to get th' goold-headed cane he's longed f'r
+since he come over. But they all fin'lly land on rockin'-horses an'
+dolls, an' suspindhers that r-run pink flowers into their shirts an'
+tattoo thim in summer. An' they conceal their grief Chris'mas mornin'
+an' thry to look pleasant with murdher in their hearts.
+
+"Some wan has always give me a Chris'mas prisint, though no wan has anny
+r-right to. But no wan iver give me annything I cud wear or ate or
+dhrink or smoke or curl me hair with. I've had flasks iv whisky give
+me,--me that have lashin's iv whisky at me elbow day an' night; an',
+whin I opined thim, blue an' yellow flames come out an' some iv th'
+stuff r-run over on th' flure, an' set fire to th' buildin'. I smoke th'
+best five-cint see-gar that money can buy; yet, whin a good frind iv
+mine wants to make me a prisint f'r Christmas, he goes to a harness shop
+an' buys a box iv see-gars with excelsior fillin's an' burlap wrappers,
+an', if I smoked wan an' lived, I'd be arristed f'r arson. I got a pair
+iv suspinders wanst fr'm a lady,--niver mind her name,--an' I wurruked
+hard that day; an' th' decorations moved back into me, an' I had to take
+thim out with pumice stone. I didn't lose th' taste iv th' paint f'r
+weeks an' weeks.
+
+"Wan year I wanted a watch more thin annything in th' wurruld. I talked
+watches to ivry wan that I thought had designs on me. I made it a pint
+to ask me frinds what time iv night it was, an' thin say, 'Dear me, I
+ought to get a watch if I cud affoord it.' I used to tout people down to
+th' jooler's shop, an' stand be th' window with a hungry look in th'
+eyes iv me, as much as to say, 'If I don't get a watch, I'll perish.' I
+talked watches an' thought watches an' dhreamed watches. Father Kelly
+rebuked me f'r bein' late f'r mass. 'How can I get there befure th'
+gospil, whin I don't know what time it is?' says I. 'Why don't ye luk at
+ye'er watch?' he says. 'I haven't none,' says I. Did he give me a watch?
+Faith, he did not. He sint me a box iv soap that made me smell like a
+coon goin' to a ball in a State Sthreet ca-ar. I got a necktie fr'm wan
+man; an', if I wore it to a meetin' iv th' Young Hebrews' Char'table
+Society, they'd've thrun me out. That man wanted me to be kilt. Another
+la-ad sint me a silk handkerchief that broke on me poor nose. Th'
+nearest I got to a watch was a hair chain that unravelled, an' made me
+look as if I'd been curryin' a Shetland pony. I niver got what I wanted,
+an I niver expect to. No wan does."
+
+"I'll get ye what ye want," said Mr. Hennessy, "if ye'll tell me what it
+is, an' it don't cost too much."
+
+"Will ye?" said Mr. Dooley, eagerly.
+
+"I will," said Mr. Hennessy, "if 'tis within me means."
+
+"Ye're jokin'," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"I'm not. I mane it."
+
+"Do ye, honest?"
+
+"I do so."
+
+"Thin," said Mr. Dooley, "get me th' Audjitooroom. I've wanted that to
+play with f'r manny years."
+
+And Mr. Hennessy went away with the rocking-chair under his arm, the
+doll in his pocket, and dumb anger in his heart.
+
+
+
+
+ON ANARCHISTS.
+
+
+"'Tis ha-ard bein' a king these days," said Mr. Dooley. "Manny's th' man
+on a throne wishes his father'd brought him up a cooper, what with wages
+bein' docked be parlymints an' ragin' arnychists r-runnin' wild with
+dinnymite bombs undher their ar-rms an' carvin'-knives in their pockets.
+
+"Onaisy, as Hogan says, is th' head that wears a crown. They'se other
+heads that're onaisy, too; but ye don't hear iv thim. But a man gr-rows
+up in wan iv thim furrin counthries, an' he's thrained f'r to be a king.
+Hivin may've intinded him f'r a dooce or a jack, at th' most; but he has
+to follow th' same line as his father. 'Tis like pawn-brokin' that way.
+Ye niver heerd iv a pawnbroker's son doin' annything else. Wanst a king,
+always a king. Other men's sons may pack away a shirt in a thrunk, an'
+go out into th' wurruld, brakin' on a freight or ladin' Indyanny bankers
+up to a shell game. But a man that's headed f'r a throne can't r-run
+away. He's got to take th' job. If he kicks, they blindfold him an' back
+him in. He can't ask f'r his time at th' end iv th' week, an' lave. He
+pays himsilf. He can't sthrike, because he'd have to ordher out th'
+polis to subjoo himsilf. He can't go to th' boss, an' say: 'Me hours is
+too long an' th' wurruk is tajious. Give me me pay-check.' He has no
+boss. A man can't be indipindint onless he has a boss. 'Tis thrue. So he
+takes th' place, an' th' chances ar-re he's th' biggest omadhon in th'
+wurruld, an' knows no more about r-runnin' a counthry thin I know about
+ladin' an orchesthry. An', if he don't do annything, he's a dummy, an',
+if he does do annything, he's crazy; an' whin he dies, his foreman
+says: 'Sure, 'tis th' divvle's own time I had savin' that bosthoon fr'm
+desthroyin' himsilf. If it wasn't f'r me, th' poor thing'd have closed
+down the wurruks, an' gone to th' far-rm long ago.' An' wan day, whin
+he's takin' th' air, p'raps, along comes an Eyetalyan, an' says he,
+'Ar-re ye a king?' 'That's my name,' says his majesty. 'Betther dead,'
+says th' Eyetalyan; an' they'se a scramble, an' another king goes over
+th' long r-road.
+
+"I don't know much about arnychists. We had thim here--wanst. They wint
+again polismen, mostly. Mebbe that's because polismen's th' nearest
+things to kings they cud find. But, annyhow, I sometimes think I know
+why they're arnychists somewhere, an' why they ain't in other places. It
+minds me iv what happened wanst in me cousin Terence's fam'ly. They was
+livin' down near Healey's slough in wan iv thim ol' Doherty's
+houses,--not Doherty that ye know, th' j'iner, a good man whin he don't
+dhrink. No, 'twas an ol' grouch iv a man be th' name iv Malachi Doherty
+that used to keep five-day notices in his thrunk, an' ownded his own
+privit justice iv th' peace. Me cousin Terence was as dacint a man as
+iver shoed a hor-rse; an his wife was a good woman, too, though I niver
+took much to th' Dolans. Fr'm Tipperary, they was, an' too handy
+throwin' things at ye. An' he had a nice fam'ly growin' up, an' I niver
+knowed people that lived together more quite an' amyable. 'Twas good f'r
+to see thim settin' ar-roun' th' parlor,--Terence spellin' out th'
+newspaper, an' his good woman mendin' socks, an' Honoria playin' th'
+'Vale iv Avoca' on th' pianny, an' th' kids r-rowlin' on th' flure.
+
+"But wan day it happened that that whole fam'ly begun to rasp on wan
+another. Honoria'd set down at th' pianny, an' th' ol' man'd growl: 'F'r
+th' love iv th' saints, close down that hurdy-gurdy, an' lave a man
+injye his headache!' An' th' good woman scolded Terence, an' th' kids
+pulled th' leg fr'm undher th' stove; an', whin th' big boy Mike come
+home fr'm Omaha, he found none iv thim speakin' to th' others. He cud do
+nawthin', an' he wint f'r Father Kelly. Father Kelly sniffed th' air
+whin he come in; an' says he, 'Terence, what's th' matther with ye'er
+catch basin?' 'I dinnaw,' growled Terence. 'Well,' says Father Kelly,
+'ye put on ye'er hat this minyit, an' go out f'r a plumber,' he says.
+'I'm not needed here,' he says. 'Ye'er sowls ar-re all r-right,' he
+says; 'but ye'er systems ar-re out iv ordher,' he says. 'Fetch in a
+plumber,' he says, 'whilst I goes down to Doherty, an' make him think
+his lease on th' hereafther is defective,' he says."
+
+"Ye're right," said Mr. Hennessy, who had followed the argument dimly.
+
+"Iv coorse I'm right," said Mr. Dooley. "What they need over there in
+furrin' counthries is not a priest, but a plumber. 'Tis no good prayin'
+again arnychists, Hinnissy. Arnychists is sewer gas."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE DREYFUS CASE.
+
+
+"I see be th' pa-apers," said Mr. Dooley, "that Col. Hinnery, th' man
+that sint me frind Cap. Dhry-fuss to th' cage, has moved on. I suppose
+they'll give th' Cap a new thrile now."
+
+"I hope they won't," said Mr. Hennessy. "I don't know annything about
+it, but I think he's guilty. He's a Jew."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "ye'er thoughts on this subject is inthrestin',
+but not conclusive, as Dorsey said to th' Pollack that thought he cud
+lick him. Ye have a r-right to ye'er opinyon, an' ye'll hold it annyhow,
+whether ye have a r-right to it or not. Like most iv ye'er
+fellow-citizens, ye start impartial. Ye don't know annything about th'
+case. If ye knew annything, ye'd not have an opinyon wan way or th'
+other. They'se niver been a matther come up in my time that th' American
+people was so sure about as they ar-re about th' Dhryfliss case. Th'
+Frinch ar-re not so sure, but they'se not a polisman in this counthry
+that can't tell ye jus' where Dhry-russ was whin th' remains iv th' poor
+girl was found. That's because th' thrile was secret. If 'twas an open
+thrile, an' ye heerd th' tistimony, an' knew th' language, an' saw th'
+safe afther 'twas blown open, ye'd be puzzled, an' not care a rush
+whether Dhry-fuss was naked in a cage or takin' tay with his uncle at
+th' Benny Brith Club.
+
+"I haven't made up me mind whether th' Cap done th' shootin' or not. He
+was certainly in th' neighborhood whin th' fire started, an' th' polis
+dug up quite a lot iv lead pipe in his back yard. But it's wan thing to
+sus-pect a man iv doin' a job an' another thing to prove that he didn't.
+Me frind Zola thinks he's innocint, an' he raised th' divvle at th'
+thrile. Whin th' judge come up on th' bench an' opined th' coort, Zola
+was settin' down below with th' lawyers. 'Let us pro-ceed,' says th'
+impartial an' fair-minded judge, 'to th' thrile iv th' haynious monsther
+Cap Dhry-fuss,' he says. Up jumps Zola, an' says he in Frinch:
+'Jackuse,' he says, which is a hell of a mane thing to say to anny man.
+An' they thrun him out. 'Judge,' says th' attorney f'r th' difinse, 'an'
+gintlemen iv th' jury,' he says. 'Ye're a liar,' says th' judge. 'Cap,
+ye're guilty, an' ye know it,' he says. 'Th' decision iv th' coort is
+that ye be put in a cage, an' sint to th' Divvle's own island f'r th'
+r-rest iv ye'er life,' he says. 'Let us pro-ceed to hearin' th'
+tistimony,' he says. 'Call all th' witnesses at wanst,' he says, 'an'
+lave thim have it out on th' flure,' he says. Be this time Zola has come
+back; an' he jumps up, an', says he, 'Jackuse,' he says. An' they thrun
+him out.
+
+"'Befure we go anny farther,' says th' lawyer f'r th' difinse, 'I wish
+to sarve notice that, whin this thrile is over, I intind,' he says, 'to
+wait outside,' he says, 'an' hammer th' hon'rable coort into an omelet,'
+he says. 'With these few remarks I will close,' he says. 'Th' coort,'
+says th' judge, 'is always r-ready to defind th' honor iv France,' he
+says; 'an', if th' larned counsel will con-sint,' he says, 'to step up
+here f'r a minyit,' he says, 'th' coort'll put a sthrangle hold on him
+that'll not do him a bit iv good,' he says. 'Ah!' he says. 'Here's me
+ol' frind Pat th' Clam,' he says. 'Pat, what d'ye know about this case?'
+he says. 'None iv ye'er business,' says Pat. 'Answered like a man an' a
+sojer,' says th' coort. 'Jackuse,' says Zola fr'm th' dureway. An' they
+thrun him out. 'Call Col. Hinnery,' says th' coort. 'He ray-fuses to
+answer.' 'Good. Th' case is clear. Cap forged th' will. Th' coort will
+now adjourn f'r dools, an' all ladin' officers iv th' ar-rmy not in
+disgrace already will assimble in jail, an' com-mit suicide,' he says.
+'Jackuse,' says Zola, an' started f'r th' woods, pursued be his
+fellow-editors. He's off somewhere in a three now hollerin' 'Jackuse' at
+ivry wan that passes, sufferin' martyrdom f'r his counthry an' writin'
+now an' thin about it all.
+
+"That's all I know about Cap Dhry-fuss' case, an' that's all anny man
+knows. Ye didn't know as much, Hinnissy, till I told ye. I don't know
+whether Cap stole th' dog or not."
+
+"What's he charged with?" Mr. Hennessy asked, in bewilderment.
+
+"I'll niver tell ye," said Mr. Dooley. "It's too much to ask."
+
+"Well, annyhow," said Mr. Hennessy, "he's guilty, ye can bet on that."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE DECADENCE OF GREECE.
+
+
+"That young Hogan is a smart la-ad," said Mr. Dooley. "A smart la-ad an'
+a good wan, too."
+
+"None betther," said Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"None betther in th' ward," said Mr. Dooley, which was a high
+appreciation. "But there ar-re things about human nature an' histhry
+that ain't taught at Saint Ignateeus'. I tell thim to Hogan's la-ad.
+
+"He was walkin' be th' store wan day las' week, an' I ast him how th'
+wa-ar wint. 'Tis sthrange, with churches two in a block, an' public
+schools as thick as lamp-posts, that, whin a man stops ye on th'
+sthreet, he'll ayether ast ye th' scoor iv th' base-ball game or talk iv
+th' Greek war with ye. I ain't seen annything that happened since
+Parnell's day that's aroused so much enthusyasm on th' Ar-rchey Road as
+th' Greek war. 'How goes th' war?' says I to young Hogan, 'How goes the
+war between th' ac-cursed infidel an' th' dog iv a Christian?' I says.
+'It goes bad,' he says. 'Th' Greeks won a thremenjous battle, killin'
+manny millions iv th' Moslem murdherers, but was obliged to retreat
+thirty-two miles in a gallop.' 'Is that so?' says I. 'Sure that seems to
+be their luck,' I says. 'Whin-iver they win, they lose; an', whin they
+lose, they lose,' I says. 'What ails thim?' I says. 'Is th' riferee
+again thim?' 'I can't make it out,' he says, while a tear sthud in his
+eye. 'Whin I think iv Leonidas at th' pass iv Thermometer,' he says,
+'an' So-an'-so on th' field iv Marathon an' This-or-that th' Spartan
+hero,' he says, 'I cannot undherstand f'r th' life iv me why th' Greeks
+shud have been dhruv fr'm pillar to post be an ar-rmy iv slaves. Didn't
+Leonidas, with hardly as manny men as there are Raypublicans in this
+precint, hold th' pass again a savage horde?' he says. 'He did,' says I.
+'He did.' 'An' didn't What's-his-name on th' field iv Marathon overcome
+an' desthroy th' ravagin' armies iv Persia?' he says. 'Thrue f'r ye,'
+says I. 'There's no doubt in th' wurruld about it,' I says. 'An' look at
+Alexander th' Great,' he says. 'Aleck was a turror, an' no mistake,'
+says I. 'An' Miltiades,' he says. 'I on'y know what I hear iv him,' says
+I. 'But fr'm all accounts he must have been consid'rable iv a fellow,'
+says I. 'An' in later days Marco Boozaris,' he says. 'He was th' man
+that come in con-sumption's dreaded form,' says I, 'an' he was afraid iv
+no man.' 'Well, thin,' says he, 'how ar-re we to account f'r this
+disgrace?' he says.
+
+"'Well,' says I, 'd'ye raymimber th' fightin' tenth precint? Ye must've
+heerd ye'er father tell about it. It was famous f'r th' quality an'
+quantity iv th' warfare put up in it. Ivry man in th' tenth precint cud
+fight his weight in scrap-iron. Most iv thim come fr'm th' ancient
+Hellenic province iv May-o; but they was a fair sprinklin' iv Greek
+heroes fr'm Roscommon an' Tipperary, an' a few from th' historic spot
+where th' Head iv Kinsale looks out on th' sea, an' th' sea looks up at
+th' Head iv Kinsale. Th' little boys cud box befure they was out iv
+skirts. Far an' wide, th' tenth precint was th' turror iv its inimies.
+Ye talk about Leonidas an' th' pass iv Thermometer. Ye ought to've seen
+Mike Riordan an' his fam'ly defindin' th' pollin'-place whin Eddie
+Burke's brigade charged it wan fine day. That hero sthud f'r four hours
+in th' dureway, ar-rmed on'y with a monkey-wrinch, an' built a wall iv
+invaders in frint iv him till th' judges cud dig their way out through
+th' cellar, an' escape to th' polis station.
+
+"'F'r manny years th' tenth precint was th' banner precint iv th' Sixth
+Wa-ard, an' its gallant heroes repelled all attacks by land or Healey's
+slough. But, as time wint by, changes come over it. Th' Hannigans an'
+Leonidases an' Caseys moved out, havin' made their pile. Some iv th'
+grandest iv th' heroes died, an' their fam'lies were broke up. Polish
+Jews an' Swedes an' Germans an' Hollanders swarmed in, settlin' down on
+th' sacred sites,' I says. 'Wan night three years ago, a band iv rovin'
+Bohemians fr'm th' Eighth Ward come acrost th' river, kickin' over
+bar'ls an' ash-boxes, an' swooped down on th' tenth precint. Mike
+Riordan, him that kept th' pollin'-place in th' good days iv old, was
+th' on'y wan iv th' race iv ancient heroes on earth. He thried to rally
+th' ingloryous descindants iv a proud people. F'r a while they made a
+stand in Halsted Sthreet, an' shouted bad but difficult names at th'
+infidel hordes, an' threw bricks that laid out their own people. But it
+was on'y f'r a moment. In another they tur-rned an' r-run, lavin' Mike
+Riordan standin' alone in th' mist iv th' fray. If it wasn't f'r th'
+intervintion iv th' powers in th' shape iv th' loot an' a wagon-load iv
+polismin, th' Bohemians'd have devastated as far as th' ruins iv th'
+gas-house, which is th' same as that there Acropulist ye talk about,'
+says I.
+
+"'No, my son,' says I. 'On account iv th' fluctuations in rint an'
+throuble with th' landlord it's not safe to presoom that th' same fam'ly
+always lives in th' wan house. Th' very thing happened to Greece that
+has happened to th' tenth precint iv th' Sixth Ward. Th' Greeks have
+moved out, an' th' Swedes come in. Ye yet may live to see th' day,' says
+I, 'whin what is thrue iv Athens an' th' tenth precint will be thrue iv
+th' whole Sixth Wa-ard.'"
+
+"Ye don't mean that," said Mr. Hennessy, gasping.
+
+"I do," said Mr. Dooley, with solemnity. "'Tis histhry."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE INDIAN WAR.
+
+
+"Gin'ral Sherman was wan iv th' smartest men we iver had," said Mr.
+Dooley. "He said so manny bright things. 'Twas him said, 'War is hell';
+an' that's wan iv th' finest sayin's I know annything about. 'War is
+hell': 'tis a thrue wurrud an' a fine sintiment. An' Gin'ral Sherman
+says, 'Th' on'y good Indyun is a dead Indyun.' An' that's a good sayin',
+too. So, be th' powers, we've started in again to improve th' race; an',
+if we can get in Gatlin' guns enough befure th' winter's snows, we'll
+tur-rn thim Chippeways into a cimitry branch iv th' Young Men's
+Christyan Association. We will so.
+
+"Ye see, Hinnissy, th' Indyun is bound f'r to give way to th' onward
+march iv white civilization. You an' me, Hinnissy, is th' white
+civilization. I come along, an' I find ol' Snakes-in-his-Gaiters livin'
+quite an' dacint in a new frame house. Thinks I, ''Tis a shame f'r to
+lave this savage man in possession iv this fine abode, an' him not able
+f'r to vote an' without a frind on th' polis foorce.' So says I:
+'Snakes,' I says, 'get along,' says I. 'I want ye'er house, an' ye best
+move out west iv th' thracks, an' dig a hole f'r ye'ersilf,' I says.
+'Divvle th' fut I will step out iv this house,' says Snakes. 'I built
+it, an' I have th' law on me side,' he says. 'F'r why should I take Mary
+Ann, an' Terence, an' Honoria, an' Robert Immitt Snakes, an' all me
+little Snakeses, an' rustle out west iv th' thracks,' he says, 'far fr'm
+th' bones iv me ancestors,' he says, 'an beyond th' water-pipe
+extinsion,' he says. 'Because,' says I, 'I am th' walkin' dilygate iv
+white civilization,' I says. 'I'm jus' as civilized as you,' says
+Snakes. 'I wear pants,' he says, 'an' a plug hat,' he says. 'Ye might
+wear tin pair,' says I, 'an' all at wanst,' I says, 'an' ye'd still be a
+savage,' says I; 'an' I'd be civilized,' I says, 'if I hadn't on so much
+as a bangle bracelet,' I says. 'So get out,' says I. 'So get out,' says
+I, 'f'r th' pianny movers is outside, r-ready to go to wurruk,' I says.
+
+"Well, Snakes he fires a stove lid at me; an' I go down to th' polis
+station, an' says I, 'Loot,' I says, 'they'se a dhrunken Indyun not
+votin' up near th' mills, an he's carryin' on outrageous, an' he won't
+let me hang me pitchers on his wall,' says I. 'Vile savage,' says th'
+loot, 'I'll tache him to rayspict th' rules iv civilization,' he says.
+An' he takes out a wagon load, an' goes afther Snakes. Well, me frind
+Snakes gives him battle, an', knowin' th' premises well, he's able to
+put up a gr-reat fight; but afther a while they rip him away, an' have
+him in th' pathrol wagon, with a man settin' on his head. An' thin he's
+put undher bonds to keep the peace, an' they sind him out west iv th'
+thracks; an' I move into th' house, an' tear out th' front an' start a
+faro bank. Some day, whin I get tired or th' Swedes dhrive me out or
+Schwartzmeister makes his lunch too sthrong f'r competition, I'll go
+afther Snakes again.
+
+"Th' on'y hope f'r th Indyun is to put his house on rollers, an' keep a
+team hitched to it, an', whin he sees a white man, to start f'r th'
+settin' sun. He's rooned whin he has a cellar. He ought to put all th'
+plugged dollars that he gets from th' agent an' be pickin' blueberries
+into rowlin' stock. If he knew annything about balloons, he'd have a
+chanst; but we white men, Hinnissy, has all th' balloons. But, annyhow,
+he's doomed, as Hogan says. Th' onward march iv th' white civilization,
+with morgedges an' other modhern improvements, is slowly but surely, as
+Hogan says, chasin' him out; an' th' last iv him'll be livin' in a
+divin'-bell somewhere out in th' Pacific Ocean."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, the stout philanthropist, "I think so, an'
+thin again I dinnaw. I don't think we threat thim r-right. If I was th'
+gover'mint, I'd take what they got, but I'd say, 'Here, take this
+tin-dollar bill an' go out an' dhrink ye'ersilf to death,' I'd say. They
+ought to have some show."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if ye feel that way, ye ought to go an' inlist
+as an Indyun."
+
+
+
+
+ON GOLF.
+
+
+"An' what's this game iv goluf like, I dinnaw?" said Mr. Hennessy,
+lighting his pipe with much unnecessary noise. "Ye're a good deal iv a
+spoort, Jawnny: did ye iver thry it?"
+
+"No," said Mr. McKenna. "I used to roll a hoop onct upon a time, but I'm
+out of condition now."
+
+"It ain't like base-ball," said Mr. Hennessy, "an' it ain't like shinny,
+an' it ain't like lawn-teenis, an' it ain't like forty-fives, an' it
+ain't"--
+
+"Like canvas-back duck or anny other game ye know," said Mr. Dooley.
+
+"Thin what is it like?" said Mr. Hennessy. "I see be th' pa-aper that
+Hobart What-d'ye-call-him is wan iv th' best at it. Th' other day he
+made a scoor iv wan hundherd an' sixty-eight, but whether 'twas miles or
+stitches I cudden't make out fr'm th' raypoorts."
+
+"'Tis little ye know," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' game iv goluf is as old as
+th' hills. Me father had goluf links all over his place, an', whin I was
+a kid, 'twas wan iv th' principal spoorts iv me life, afther I'd dug the
+turf f'r th' avenin', to go out and putt"--
+
+"Poot, ye mean," said Mr. Hennessy. "They'se no such wurrud in th'
+English language as putt. Belinda called me down ha-ard on it no more
+thin las' night."
+
+"There ye go!" said Mr. Dooley, angrily. "There ye go! D'ye think this
+here game iv goluf is a spellin' match? 'Tis like ye, Hinnissy, to be
+refereein' a twinty-round glove contest be th' rule iv three. I tell ye
+I used to go out in th' avenin' an' putt me mashie like hell-an'-all,
+till I was knowed fr'm wan end iv th' county to th' other as th'
+champeen putter. I putted two men fr'm Roscommon in wan day, an' they
+had to be took home on a dure.
+
+"In America th' ga-ame is played more ginteel, an' is more like
+cigareet-smokin', though less unhealthy f'r th' lungs. 'Tis a good game
+to play in a hammick whin ye're all tired out fr'm social duties or
+shovellin' coke. Out-iv-dure golf is played be th' followin' rules. If
+ye bring ye'er wife f'r to see th' game, an' she has her name in th'
+paper, that counts ye wan. So th' first thing ye do is to find th'
+raypoorter, an' tell him ye're there. Thin ye ordher a bottle iv brown
+pop, an' have ye'er second fan ye with a towel. Afther this ye'd dhress,
+an' here ye've got to be dam particklar or ye'll be stuck f'r th'
+dhrinks. If ye'er necktie is not on sthraight, that counts ye'er
+opponent wan. If both ye an' ye'er opponent have ye'er neckties on
+crooked, th' first man that sees it gets th' stakes. Thin ye ordher a
+carredge"--
+
+"Order what?" demanded Mr. McKenna.
+
+"A carredge."
+
+"What for?"
+
+"F'r to take ye 'round th' links. Ye have a little boy followin' ye,
+carryin' ye'er clubs. Th' man that has th' smallest little boy it counts
+him two. If th' little boy has th' rickets, it counts th' man in th'
+carredge three. The little boys is called caddies; but Clarence Heaney
+that tol' me all this--he belongs to th' Foorth Wa-ard Goluf an'
+McKinley Club--said what th' little boys calls th' players'd not be fit
+f'r to repeat.
+
+"Well, whin ye dhrive up to th' tea grounds"--
+
+"Th' what?" demanded Mr. Hennessy.
+
+"Th' tea grounds, that's like th' homeplate in base-ball or ordherin' a
+piece iv chalk in a game iv spoil five. Its th' beginnin' iv ivrything.
+Whin ye get to th' tea grounds, ye step out, an' have ye're hat irned be
+th' caddie. Thin ye'er man that ye're goin' aginst comes up, an' he asks
+ye, 'Do you know Potther Pammer?' Well, if ye don't know Potther Pammer,
+it's all up with ye: ye lose two points. But ye come right back at him
+with an' upper cut: 'Do ye live on th' Lake Shore dhrive?' If he
+doesn't, ye have him in th' nine hole. Ye needn't play with him anny
+more. But, if ye do play with him, he has to spot three balls. If he's a
+good man an' shifty on his feet, he'll counter be askin' ye where ye
+spend th' summer. Now ye can't tell him that ye spent th' summer with
+wan hook on th' free lunch an' another on th' ticker tape, an' so ye go
+back three. That needn't discourage ye at all, at all. Here's yer chance
+to mix up, an' ye ask him if he was iver in Scotland. If he wasn't, it
+counts ye five. Thin ye tell him that ye had an aunt wanst that heerd
+th' Jook iv Argyle talk in a phonograph; an' onless he comes back an'
+shoots it into ye that he was wanst run over be th' Prince iv Wales, ye
+have him groggy. I don't know whether th' Jook iv Argyle or th' Prince
+iv Wales counts f'r most. They're like th' right an' left bower iv
+thrumps. Th' best players is called scratch-men."
+
+"What's that f'r?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
+
+"It's a Scotch game," said Mr. Dooley, with a wave of his hand. "I
+wonder how it come out to-day. Here's th' pa-aper. Let me see. McKinley
+at Canton. Still there. He niver cared to wandher fr'm his own fireside.
+Collar-button men f'r th' goold standard. Statues iv Heidelback,
+Ickleheimer an' Company to be erected in Washington. Another Vanderbilt
+weddin'. That sounds like goluf, but it ain't. Newport society livin' in
+Mrs. Potther Pammer's cellar. Green-goods men declare f'r honest money.
+Anson in foorth place some more. Pianny tuners f'r McKinley. Li Hung
+Chang smells a rat. Abner McKinley supports th' goold standard. Wait a
+minyit. Here it is: 'Goluf in gay attire.' Let me see. H'm. 'Foozled his
+aproach,'--nasty thing. 'Topped th' ball.' 'Three up an' two to play.'
+Ah, here's the scoor. 'Among those prisint were Messrs. an' Mesdames"--
+
+"Hol' on!" cried Mr. Hennessy, grabbing the paper out of his friend's
+hands. "That's thim that was there."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Dooley, decisively, "that's th' goluf scoor."
+
+
+
+
+ON THE FRENCH CHARACTER.
+
+
+"Th' Fr-rinch," said Mr. Dooley, "ar-re a tumulchuse people."
+
+"Like as not," said Mr. Hennessy, "there's some of our blood in thim. A
+good manny iv our people wint over wanst. They cudden't all've been kilt
+at Fontenoy."
+
+"No," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis another kind iv tumulchuse. Whin an
+Irishman rages, 'tis with wan idee in his mind. He's goin' for'ard again
+a single inimy, an' not stone walls or irne chains'll stop him. He may
+pause f'r a dhrink or to take a shy at a polisman,--f'r a polisman's
+always in th' way,--but he's as thrue as th' needle in th' camel's eye,
+as Hogan says, to th' objec' iv his hathred. So he's been f'r four
+hundherd years, an' so he'll always be while they'se an England on th'
+map. Whin England purrishes, th' Irish'll die iv what Hogan calls
+ongwee, which is havin' no wan in the weary wurruld ye don't love.
+
+"But with th' Fr-rinch 'tis diff'rent. I say 'tis diffrent with th'
+Fr-rinch. They're an onaisy an' a thrubbled people. They start out down
+th' street, loaded up with obscenthe an' cigareets, pavin' blocks an'
+walkin' sthicks an' shtove lids in their hands, cryin', 'A base Cap
+Dhry-fuss!' th' cap bein' far off in a cage, by dad. So far, so good. 'A
+base Cap Dhry-fuss!' says I; 'an' the same to all thraitors, an' manny
+iv thim, whether they ar-re or not.' But along comes a man with a poor
+hat. 'Where did he get th' hat?' demands th' mob. Down with th' bad
+tile!' they say. 'A base th' lid!' An' they desthroy th' hat, an' th'
+man undher it succumbs to th' rule iv th' majority an' jines th' mob. On
+they go till they come to a restaurant. 'Ha,' says they, 'th' re-sort iv
+th' infamious Duclose.' 'His char-rges ar-re high,' says wan. 'I found a
+fish-bone in his soup,' says another. 'He's a thraitor,' says a third.
+'A base th' soup kitchen! A base th' caafe!' says they; an' they seize
+th' unfortunate Duclose, an' bate him an' upset his kettles iv broth.
+Manetime where's Cap Dhry-fuss? Off in his comfortable cage, swingin' on
+th' perch an' atin' seed out iv a small bottle stuck in th' wire. Be th'
+time th' mob has desthroyed what they see on th' way, they've f'rgot th'
+Cap intirely; an' he's safe f'r another day.
+
+"'Tis unforch'nit, but 'tis thrue. Th' Fr-rinch ar-re not steady ayether
+in their politics or their morals. That's where they get done be th'
+hated British. Th' diff'rence in furrin' policies is the diff'rence
+between a second-rate safe blower an' a first-class boonco steerer. Th'
+Fr-rinch buy a ton iv dinnymite, spind five years in dhrillin' a hole
+through a steel dure, blow open th' safe, lose a leg or an ar-rm, an'
+get away with th' li'bilities iv th' firm. Th' English dhress up f'r a
+Methodist preacher, stick a piece iv lead pipe in th' tails iv their
+coat in case iv emargency, an' get all th' money there is in th' line.
+
+"In th' fr-ront dure comes th' Englishman with a coon king on ayether
+ar-rm that's jus' loaned him their kingdoms on a prom'ssory note, and
+discovers th' Fr-rinchman emargin' frim th' roons iv th' safe. 'What
+ar-re ye doin' here?' says th' Englishman. 'Robbin' th' naygurs,' says
+th' Fr-rinchman, bein' thruthful as well as polite. 'Wicked man,' says
+th' Englishman. 'What ar-re ye doin' here?' says the Fr-rinchman.
+'Improvin' the morals iv th' inhabitants,' says th' Englishman. 'Is it
+not so, Rastus?' he says. 'It is,' says wan iv th' kings. 'I'm a poorer
+but a betther man since ye came,' he says. 'Yes,' says th' Englishman,
+'I pro-pose f'r to thruly rayform this onhappy counthry,' he says. 'This
+benighted haythen on me exthreme left has been injooced to cut out a
+good dale iv his wife's business,' he says, 'an' go through life
+torminted be on'y wan spouse,' he says. 'Th' r-rest will go to wurruk
+f'r me,' he says. 'All crap games bein' particular ongodly'll be undher
+th' con-throl iv th' gover'mint, which,' he says, 'is me. Policy
+shops'll be r-run carefully, an' I've appinted Rastus here
+Writer-in-Waitin' to her Majesty,' he says.
+
+"'Th' r-rum they dhrink in these par-rts,' he says, 'is fearful,' he
+says. 'What shall we do to stop th' ac-cursed thraffic? Sell thim gin,'
+says I. ''Tis shameful they shud go out with nawthin' to hide their
+nakedness,' he says. 'I'll fetch thim clothes; but,' he says, cas th'
+weather's too war-rum f'r clothes, I'll not sell thim annything that'll
+last long,' he says. 'If it wasn't f'r relligion,' he says, 'I don't
+know what th' 'ell th' wurruld wud come to,' he says. 'Who's relligion?'
+says th' Fr-rinchman. 'My relligion,' says th' Englishman. 'These pore,
+benighted savidges,' he says, ''ll not be left to yer odjious morals an'
+yer hootchy-kootchy school iv thought,' he says, 'but,' he says, 'undher
+th' binif'cint r-rule iv a wise an' thrue gover'mint,' he says, ''ll be
+thurly prepared f'r hivin,' he says, 'whin their time comes to go,' he
+says, 'which I thrust will not be long,' he says. 'So I'll thank ye to
+be off,' he says, 'or I'll take th' thick end iv the slung-shot to ye,'
+he says.
+
+"Th' Fr-rinchman is a br-rave man, an' he'd stay an' have it out on th'
+flure; but some wan calls, 'A base th' Chinnyman!' an' off he goes on
+another thrack. An', whin he gets to th' Chinnymen, he finds th'
+English've abased thim already. An' so he dances fr'm wan par-rt th'
+wurruld to another like a riochous an' happy flea, an' divvle th' bit iv
+progress he makes, on'y thrubble f'r others an' a merry life f'r
+himsilf."
+
+"If England wint to war with France," said Mr. Hennessy, suddenly, "I'd
+be f'r France."
+
+"So ye wud, Hinnissy. So ye wud," said Mr. Dooley. "An' I'm not sayin'
+that I wudden't f'aget that I'm an Anglo-Saxon long enough to take wan
+crack at th' Prince iv Wales with a coupli' pin mesilf."
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE AND IN WAR***
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