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diff --git a/22992.txt b/22992.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2fd97f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/22992.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2051 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, May +10, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, May 10, 1916 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: October 14, 2007 [eBook #22992] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 150, MAY 10, 1916*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, David King, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 22992-h.htm or 22992-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/9/22992/22992-h/22992-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/9/22992/22992-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 150 + +MAY 10, 1916 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +Many graphic tales have been told of the immense loads of plunder +carried off during the fighting in Dublin; but there has been looting on +a large scale elsewhere, if one may believe the headline of a +contemporary:--"Man arrested with Colt in his pocket at Bloomsbury." + + *** + +Says a writer in The _Daily Chronicle_: "In one neighbourhood within the +Zeppelin zone there are hundreds of partridges who defy the Defence of +the Realm Act. Two or three hours before anyone else is aware that the +baby-killers are approaching these bold birds go chuckle, chuckle, +chuckle, as if there were an army of the more human sort of poachers +about." Personally we have always felt that the section of the Defence +of the Realm Act which forbids one to go chuckle, chuckle, chuckle, when +the Zeppelins are approaching is superfluous as well as in inferior +taste. + + *** + +Dr. WALFORD DAVIS, in a lecture on "Songs for Home Singing," recently +told his hearers how Major Tom Bridges saved a couple of battalions at +the Front with two penny whistles. We feel bound to point out however +that any attempt to save the nation with the same exiguous weapons would +be too hazardous to be encouraged. + + *** + +Owing to a lack of the necessary dyes there will soon be no more red +tape available for the War Office and elsewhere. It is to be hoped, +however, that the familiar and picturesque salutation with which staff +officers are in the habit of taking leave of one another, "So long, Old +Tape!" will not be allowed to become obsolete. + + *** + +Attention has recently been drawn to the number of strapping boys who +are idling their time away in cinema houses in the absence of their +fathers at the Front. Their strapping fathers, of course. + + *** + +According to the President of the Baptist Union, "you must hit a +Londoner at least six times before he smarts." We do not presume to +dispute this statement, but what we want to know is, how was the +Londoner occupied while the President of the Baptist Union was +conducting his extremely interesting experiment? + + *** + +Owing to the scarcity of tonnage, Denmark shipowners have put into +commission two 18th-century sailing vessels. Meanwhile in the +neighbourhood of Mount Ararat there is, we learn, some talk of +organising an expedition for the recovery of the Ark with a view to her +utilisation in the cattle-carrying trade. + + *** + +The Recorder of Pontefract states that in a recent walk he followed for +three miles three men who were smoking, and counted sixty-two matches +struck by them. It is reported that the gentlemen concerned have since +called upon the Recorder to explain that it was in a spirit of war +economy that they had dispensed with the services of the torch-bearer +who had hitherto attended their movements. + + *** + +There will be no Bakers' Exhibition this year, it is announced. Many +_chic_ models however, both in _gateaux_ and the new open-work +_confiserie_, will be privately exhibited. + + *** + +A contributor to _The Observer_ draws our attention to the phenomenally +early return of the swifts. But after all there must be something +particularly soothing about England these days to a neurotic fowl like a +swift. + + *** + +It is rumoured that Mr. BIRRELL has lately thrown off one of his _obiter +dicta_--to the effect that Mr. Asquith and his colleagues have expressed +an ambition to go down in the pages of history as the "Ministry of All +the Buried Talents." + + *** + +It was a confirmed dyspeptic of our acquaintance who, on reading that in +Paris they are serving a half-mourning salad consisting mainly of sliced +potatoes, artichokes and pickled walnuts, expressed surprise at their +failure to add a few radishes to the dish, so that they might be +thoroughly miserable while they were about it. + + *** + +According to a contemporary, Mr. H. B. IRVING'S _Cassius_ "came very +near to Shakespeare." A delightful change from the innumerable Cassii +that are modelled, for instance, on Mr. W. W. JACOBS. + + *** + +Sir THOMAS LIPTON'S yacht, the _Erin_, has been sunk in the +Mediterranean, and no doubt the Germans think they have done something +to go bragh about. + + *** + +Italians are being invited by means of circulars dropped from balloons +to desert to the Austrians, the sum of 5s. 8d. being offered to each +deserter. This is no doubt what is technically known as a _ballon +d'essai_. + + *** + +The House of Commons is giving serious consideration to the Daylight +Saving Scheme. But certain occupants of the Treasury Bench (we are +careful not to "refer to" them as members of the Cabinet) are said to be +withholding their support till they know what it is that the surplus +daylight is to be let into. + + * * * * * + +PAY PARADE. + +[Illustration: _Officer._ "Have you made an allotment?" + +_Recruit._ "Oh, no, Sir! I give up me fowls and cabbages the day afore I +joined the army."] + + * * * * * + + "London, April 6.--A Zeppelin airship attacked the north-east + coast of England on Wednesday afternoon, but was driven off by + our anti-Haircraft defences." + + _Daily Chronicle (Jamaica)._ + +This subtle allusion to the former occupation of the Zeppelin crew has, +we believe, caused much anxiety among the ex-barbers in the German +Service, who fear that the A.A.C. will go for them bald-headed. + + * * * * * + + "April 23rd was ... the 300th anniversary of the birth of + Shakespeare and of the death of Shakespeare."--_Daily Paper._ + +And to think of all he accomplished in less than twenty-four hours! + + * * * * * + +At a Red Cross sale:-- + + "The exors. of the late Robert Dawson's calf made L6."--_Eastern + Daily Press._ + +We wonder if this generous gift came out of the pockets of the +next-of-kine. + + * * * * * + + "For whoever was responsible for that blunder, which in most + countries would certainly have evoked a cry of betrayal, the + mainsheet of Nelson's Victory would be all too inadequate as a + penitential white sheet and far too illustrious as a shroud." + + _The Leader (British East Africa)._ + +We agree, but it would make a splendid halter. + + * * * * * + +THE WAY OF THOMAS. + +Theory and Practice. + +Scene._--Sand on the ---- Frontier of ---. A Cavalry outpost recently +arrived is sitting in a hollow in a vile temper, morosely gouging hunks +of tepid bully beef out of red tins. Several thousand mosquitos are +assiduously eating the outpost. There is nothing to do except to kill +the beasts and watch the antics of the scavenger beetle, who extracts a +precarious livelihood from the sand by rolling all refuse into little +balls and burying them. It is very hot._ + +_1st Trooper._ Shoot the devils, I would. I can't understand their +letting 'em go the way they do. The first one I meets I shoots. Killing +our wounded the way they do. + +_2nd Trooper._ Ay, and killing's not the worst they do, neither. You +should ha' seen them, two poor fellows of ours wot was found. You +wouldn't be taking no prisoners after that. + +_1st Trooper._ If I 'ad my way I wouldn't take no prisoners. 'Tain't +safe, for one thing. That was 'ow pore old Bill got done in; went to +take a white-headed old devil prisoner as might have been his +grandfather, and he up and strafed him in the stomach with a shot-gun. +Don't care 'oo it is. They say the women's as bad as the men. + +_Corporal (darkly)._ Ah, shooting's too good for 'em, I say, after wot +they done. + +_1st Trooper._ They do say they're starving now. Living on grass, 'alf +of 'em; specially after that lot of camels wot was captured. + +_Corporal (darkly)._ Ah, let 'em starve, I say. Starving's too good for +'em after wot they done. + +_2nd Trooper._ That's just it. They won't let 'em starve. As soon as +they've finished killing our wounded they comes into our camp with all +their families, and we feeds 'em up with dates and biscuits and probably +lets 'em go again. + +_1st Trooper._ We're too soft-'earted, that's wot we are. Them Germans +wouldn't carry on like that; they'd shoot 'em quick and no more said. + +_2nd Trooper._ Ay, you're right there, and when we gets home the first +thing we shall find is a relief fund to provide food for 'em. + +_Corporal._ Well, they'd better not come near _this_ post; they won't +get no dates 'ere. + +_Sentry._ Corporal, I can see 'alf-a-dozen of them blighters coming +along about a mile away. Shall I give 'em one? + +_Corporal._ No, you idiot. Let's 'ave a look at 'em first. + +_[Enter a middle-aged Arab, dressed in the most indescribable rags and +in the last stage of exhaustion. He is followed at long intervals by his +family to two generations, who watch his reception anxiously from +afar.]_ + +_Arab (falling flat on his face at sight of the Corporal). Bimbashi, +bimbashi, mongeries, mongeries._ + +_Corporal._ Yes, I'll bash yer all right. Grey-'eaded old reprobate, you +ought to know better. + +_Arab (in an anguished voice). Mongeries, mongeries._ + +_1st Trooper._ Lord, he do look thin, por beggar. _Mongeries_--that +means food, don't it? 'E looks as if 'e hadn't eaten nothing for weeks. +'Ere, 'ave a biscuit, old sport. + +_[Arab makes a spasmodic wriggle towards him.]_ + +_2nd Trooper._ Look out, Bill, 'e's going to bite your leg. + +_1st Trooper (with dignity)._ No, 'e ain't; 'e's a-going to kiss my +boots. Gorblimy, 'e's a rum old devil! + +_Corporal (suddenly remembering his duty)._ 'Ere you, take your clothes +off. Efta aygry. Strip. + +_[The Arab undoes his rags, which slip to the ground.]_ + +_2nd Trooper._ Blimy, Alf, look at 'em. I never see such a thing in my +life. Look at that big one on his neck. + +_1st Trooper (suddenly)._ I say, old chap, don't you never 'ave a bath? + +_2nd Trooper._ Lord, though, ain't he thin? 'E's a fair skeleton. + +_[The Arab puts on his clothes again and falls exhausted with the +effort.]_ + +_Corporal._ Pore old feller, 'e's fair done; give 'im a biscuit, Alf. + +_1st Trooper._ Try 'im with some bully; they say they won't eat that, +though. + +_2nd Trooper._ Won't 'e! I never seen the stuff go so quick. 'Ere, old +feller, don't eat the tin. + +_Corporal._ Don't give 'im any more or 'e'll kill 'isself. Let's see if +his family can do the disappearing trick as quick as 'e can. Poor +devils, they've been through something. 'Ere, you family, _mongeries_. +_Tala henna._ + +_[The family are brought up and fed on the day's rations.]_ + +_2nd Trooper._ Lord, Alf, look at this kid; 'is legs ain't as thick as +my finger; cries just like they do at 'ome too. 'Ere, 'ave a bit o' jam. + +_Corporal._ Take 'em back to camp now and 'and 'em over. Come on, old +boy; you're all right. Lord, ain't they pretty near done. Lucky they +found us when they did. + + * * * * * + +The Better Half. + + "Thames Ditton.--Attested man called up willing to let half + house, or take another lady in similar position."--_Daily + Telegraph._ + + * * * * * + +"WE GIVE OUR SONS." + + Such our proud cry--a vain and empty boast; + Love did not ask so great a sacrifice; + The first _reveille_ found you at your post; + You knew the cost; clear-eyed you paid the price; + Some far clear call we were too dull to hear + Had caught your ear. + + Not ours to urge you, or to know the voice; + No stern decree you followed or obeyed; + Nothing compelled your swift unerring choice, + Except the stuff of which your dreams were made; + To that high instinct passionately true, + Your way you knew. + + We did not give you--all unasked you went, + Sons of a greater motherhood than ours; + To our proud hearts your young brief lives were lent, + Then swept beyond us by resistless powers. + Only we hear, when we have lost our all, + That far clear call. + + * * * * * + +A Non-Stop Service. + +The following announcement was recently made at a Liverpool church:-- + + "The service to-night will be at six o'clock, and will be + continued until further notice." + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Butcher expressed his thanks to Mr. Wood for his kind + words, and said it was a great satisfaction to know that his + efforts had been appreciated, and very gratifying to be thanked + by one of the staff. He might reply in the words of Betsy + Twigge, 'Changing the name, the same to you.'" + + _Ashbourne Telegraph._ + +We note, but do not approve, the change. + + * * * * * + + "Washington, Friday. + + Sir Cecil Spring Rice has been instructed to apologise for the + action of the British Governor at Trinidad in failing to return + the call of the Secretary to the Treasury, Mr. McAdoo, on the + latter's visit on board the American cruiser _Tennessee_." + + _Exchange Telegraph._ + +Much McAdoo about nothing. + + * * * * * + +The _Evening News_ publishes an account of a conversation between +"Prince Henry of Prussia (the Kaiser's brother) and Admiral Issimo, of +Germany." The Issimos are a most distinguished fighting family (of +Italian origin), and whenever they have adopted either a military or +naval career have invariably come to the very top. + + * * * * * + +WAKE UP, ENGLAND! + +[Illustration: The Sun (_to Householder_). "NOW, THEN, WHY WASTE YOUR +DAYLIGHT? SAVE IT AND GIVE IT TO THE COUNTRY." + +(If only for the sake of economy in artificial light during War-time, +the Daylight-saving scheme should have the support of all patriots.)] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +XXXIX. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--There comes a time in the life of the military motor +when, owing to one thing or another (but mostly another), it becomes a +casualty and retires, on the ground of ill-health, to the Base. As such +it is towed into the nearest workshops; but, before it departs to the +Base there arrive, from all corners of the Army area, drivers of other +similar motors, coming, as you might say, "for a purpose." These are the +vultures who have got to hear of the affair, are sorry indeed that such +mishaps should occur, but, stifling their sorrow, see their way to +snaffle some little benefit for themselves. + +One vulture will come to exchange old lamps for new, another to do a +deal in magnetos, and a third, may be, to better himself in the matter +of wheels. There will be some squabbling, and, when the work is done, +the last state of that casualty will be worse than the first, and it +will proceed to the Base a melancholy collection of all the most +dilapidated parts in the area, for which even the most optimistic +authority at the back of beyond will see no useful future. + +Yesterday the following interview took place at my little office, which +is also my little home and is very handsomely and elaborately furnished +with a system of boxes, some to sit on, some to write on and some to go +to sleep in. + +"An officer to see you, Sir," said the orderly, and in there came a +representative from Signals who was pleased to meet me. I put aside my +work in order to deal with him politely, firmly and once and for all. + +"If," I said haughtily, "you are the gentleman who rings me up on the +telephone every morning at 7 A.M., goes on ringing me up till I creep to +the instrument and murmur 'Hello!' and then tells me that is all and +will I please ring off, then I too am glad we have met at last." + +He denied the suggestion so hotly that I unbent a little. I asked him to +be seated, and offered him a part of my bed for the purpose. + +"It's like this," he began. + +"Is it?" said I. "Then no doubt you want me to sign an Army Form and +take all the responsibility?" + +"For what?" he asked. + +"I'm sure I don't know," I answered; "and it doesn't much matter, for I +shall only pass it on to someone else, please." + +For once it wasn't an Army Form. Was I not, he ventured to ask, the +proprietor of a small car? + +"What was once a small car before it met what was once a large telegraph +pole," I said thoughtlessly. + +He was glad to hear this, as he too was the owner of a small car. We +shook hands on that, though we knew all the time that H.M. Government +was the owner of both. H.M. Government not being present, however, to +insist on its rights, we were able to do a quiet swank. In the course of +it he mentioned, quite by the way, the matter of shock-absorbers. He had +reason to believe that my car could spare his car a couple of these. + +I saw the need for hedging. "That telegraph pole I mentioned just now +wasn't really very large," I explained, "and it came away quietly, +offering no resistance." + +He smiled knowingly at that. + +"Were _you_," I continued, fixing a cold and relentless eye upon +him--"were you equally lucky with your--your--?" + +"Small lorry," he said, with a faint blush. "A tiny lorry, in fact." + +"Not more than a dozen tons or so?" I suggested. "No doubt it passed +quite gradually over you, frightening more than hurting you, and you +were able to walk home with remainder of small motor in pocket of +greatcoat?" + +He didn't go into that subject. "By the way," he said, "I happened to be +round at the workshops just now----" + +"Did you, indeed?" I took him up. "Then let me tell you at once that the +wreckage in the workshop's yard was not my small car, so you may abandon +any hopes you had built upon that." + +He appeared to be surprised at the attitude I adopted. + +"No," he said slowly--"no, I knew that wasn't _your_ car." + +I thought rapidly. "It was _yours_," I hazarded, "and your idea was to +re-equip that battered wreck at the expense of my very slightly injured +property?" + +He smiled shamelessly. + +"You are a most unscrupulous officer," I said, "and I'm beginning to +think you _are_ the voice which gets me out of bed--I mean, interrupts +my work--every morning at dawn." + +"No, really," he replied, glad to have something to be honest about. "At +that hour I am always in--at work myself." + +We shook hands again on that and I offered him a cigarette. + +"Have one of mine," said he. + +"No, no," I pressed; "you have one of mine." + +Again, if the truth had been admitted, H.M. Government was the rightful +owner of both. + +"Of course," he explained, "you saw my little 'bus from quite its worst +aspect in that yard." + +I was for getting to business. "I want," said I, "a back axle-shaft, a +head-light, a wind-screen and some mud-guards. What's yours?" + +"I could do with a spare wheel-holder, a horn, a couple of yards of +foot-board," he said. "Two shock-absorbers and at least one wheel I must +have." + +A little discussion proved that between us we could put up a very decent +car. The only difficulty arose from a doubt as to what was to happen +when we went out in it. It would still be a two-seater, and neither of +our chauffeurs was small enough to be carried in the tool-box. Who was +going to drive, who was going to sit by and, when occasion demanded, +step out and do the dirty work? Neither of us seeing his way to give in +on these points, we had to think of some other solution. + +"You mentioned the workshops just now," I said. "Were you going on to +say that the officer in charge told you of another small car which was +in trouble?" + +"He did," said Signals. + +"Same here," said I. "Did he then recommend you to get what you wanted +off that other car?" + +"He did," said Signals. + +"Same here," said I. "And did you also ascertain that this officer in +charge possesses a small car of his own rich in standard parts?" + +"I did," said Signals. + +"Same here," said I. "Let us go out and look for that----" + +"Officer in charge," said Signals. + +"No," said I, "his car." I felt that we were justified, in the +circumstances, in dividing it between us. + +But there is no limit to these officers in charge of workshops. We had +the greatest difficulty in finding his car at all, and, when we did, it +had the appearance of being deliberately concealed. Worse still; when we +found the car we found also a sentry standing over it, with rifle and +fixed bayonet. Though we took this to be a direct insult to ourselves, +we were too proud to go and expostulate with the officer himself about +it. + +Yours ever, Henry. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Unfortunate position of once popular Berlin naval battle +artist, whose occupation has vanished through his having rashly sunk the +entire British Fleet at an early stage of the war.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: The conscientious special.] + +[Illustration: the ingenious bank manager.] + +[Illustration: and the cautious burglar.] + +[Illustration: who lacked staying power.] + + * * * * * + +A LETTER. + +(From Captain Claude Seaforth to a novelist friend.) + +MY DEAR MAN,--You asked me to tell you if anything very remarkable came +my way. I think I have a story for you at last. If I could only write I +would make something of it myself, but not being of Kitchener's Army I +can't. + +The other day, while I was clearing up papers and accounts and all over +ink, as I always get, the Sergeant came to me, looking very rum. "Two +young fellows want to see you," he said. + +Of course I said I was too busy and that he must deal with them. + +"I think you'd rather see them yourself," he said, with another odd +look. + +"What do they want?" I asked. + +"They want to enlist," he said; "but they don't want to see the doctor." + +We've had some of these before--consumptives of the bull-dog breed, you +know. Full of pluck but no mortal use; "done in" on the first route +march. + +"Why don't you tell them that they must see the doctor and have done +with it?" I asked the Sergeant. + +Again he smiled queerly. "I made sure you'd rather do it yourself," he +said. "Shall I send them in?" + +So I wished them further and said "Yes;" and in they came. + +They were the prettiest boys you ever saw in your life--too pretty. One +had red hair and the other black, and they were dressed like navvies. +They held their caps in their hands. + +"What's this rubbish about not seeing a doctor?" I asked. You know my +brutal way. + +"We thought perhaps it could be dispensed with," Red Hair said, drawing +nearer to Black Hair. + +"Of course it can't," I told them. "What's the use to the Army of +weaklings who can't stand the strain? They're just clogs in the +machinery. Don't you see that?" + +"We're very strong," Red Hair said, "only----" + +"Only what?" + +"Only----" Here they looked at each other, and Red Hair said, "Shall +we?" and Black Hair said, "Yes;" and they both came closer to me. + +"Will you promise," said Red Hair, "that you will treat as confidential +anything we say to you?" + +"So long as it is nothing dangerous to the State," I said, rather proud +of myself for thinking of it. + +"We want to fight for our country," Red Hair began. + +"No one wants to fight more," Black Hair put in. + +"And we're very strong," Red Hair continued. + +"I won a cup for lawn-tennis at Devonshire Park," Black Hair added. + +"But," said Red Hair. + +"Yes?" I replied. + +"Don't you believe in some women being as strong as men?" + +"Certainly," I said. + +"Well then," said Red Hair, "that's like us. We are as strong as lots of +men and much keener, and we want you to be kind to us and let us +enlist." + +"We'll never do anything to give ourselves away," said Black Hair; but, +bless her innocent heart, she was giving herself away all the time. +Every moment was feminine. + +"My dear young ladies," I said at last, "I think you are splendid and an +example to the world; but what you ask is impossible. Have you thought +for a moment what it would be like to find yourselves in barracks with +the ordinary British soldier? He is a brave man and, when you meet him +alone, he is nearly always a nice man; but collectively he might not do +as company for you." + +"But look at this," said Red Hair, showing me a newspaper-cutting about +a group of Russian girls known as "The Twelve Friends," who have been +through the campaign and were treated with the utmost respect by the +soldiers. + +"And there's a woman buried at Brighton," said Black Hair, "who fought +as a man for years and lived to be a hundred." + +"And think of JOAN OF ARC," said Red Hair. + +"And BOADICEA," said Black Hair. + +"Well," I said, "leaving JOAN OF ARC and BOADICEA aside, possibly those +Russians and that Brighton woman looked like men, which it is certain +you don't. But any way we must be serious. What would your people say?" + +"We left word," said Red Hair, "that we were going off to do something +for our country. They won't worry. Oh, please be kind and help us!" + +Here all four of their beautiful eyes grow moist. + +I could have hugged both of them, but I kept an iron hand on myself. + +"You nice absurd creatures," I said, "do be reasonable. To begin with, +passing the doctor is an absolute necessity. That shuts you out. But +even if you got through how do you think you would be helping your +country? All the men would be falling in love with you; and that's bad +enough as it is after working hours; it would be the ruin of discipline. +And you could not bear the fatigue. No, go back and learn to be nurses +and let your lovely hair grow again." + +They were very obstinate and very unwilling to entertain the thought of +drudgery such as nursing after all their dreams of excitement; but at +last they came to reason, and I sent for a cab and packed them off in it +(I simply could not bear the idea of other people seeing them in that +masquerade), and told them that the sooner they changed the better. + +After they had gone the Sergeant came in about something. + +I said nothing, and he said nothing, each of us waiting for the other. + +He moved about absolutely silently, and I dared not meet his glance +because I knew I should give myself away. The rascal has not been +running his eye over young women all these years without being able to +spot them in a moment, even in navvy's clothes. + +At last I could stand it no longer. "Damn it," I said, "what are you +doing? Why don't you go? I didn't send for you." But still I didn't dare +look up. + +"I thought perhaps you had something to say to me, Sir," he said. + +"No, I haven't," I replied. "Why should I? What about?" + +"Only about those two young men, Sir," he replied. + +"Get out," I said; but before he could go I had burst into laughter. + +"Better not mention it," I managed to say. + +He promised. + +There--won't you find that useful? + +Yours, C. S. + + * * * * * + +A VERY RARE BIRD. + +Brown lives next door but one to me. His speciality is birds, and he +must be a frightful nuisance to them. I shouldn't care to be a bird if +Brown knew where my nest was. It isn't that he takes their eggs. If he +would merely rob them and go away it wouldn't matter so much. They could +always begin again after a decent interval. But a naturalist of the +modern school doesn't want a bird's eggs; he wants to watch her sitting +on them. Now sitting is a business that demands concentration, a strong +effort of the will and an undistracted mind. How on earth is a bird to +concentrate when she knows perfectly well that Brown, disguised as a +tree or a sheep or a haycock, is watching her day after day for hours at +a stretch and snap-shotting her every five minutes or so for some +confounded magazine? In nine cases out of ten she lets her thoughts +wander and ends half unconsciously by posing, with the result that most +of her eggs don't hatch out. + +Brown has a highly-trained sense of hearing. You and I, of course, +possess pretty good ears for ordinary purposes. We can catch as soon as +anyone else that muffled midnight hum, as of a distant threshing-machine +beneath a blanket, which advertises the approach of the roaming Zepp. +From constant practice, too, we have learnt, sitting in our drawing room +or study, to distinguish the crash of the overturned nursery table +upstairs from the duller, less resonant thud of baby's head as it +strikes the floor. But can we positively state from the note of the +blackbird at the bottom of the garden whether it has three, four or five +eggs in its nest, or indeed if it is a house-holder at all? No, we +cannot; but Brown can. + +Even specialists, however, occasionally make mistakes. A day or two ago, +just as dusk was falling, Brown entered my house in a state of +considerable excitement and informed me that a pair of reed-warblers +were building in my orchard. + +"Are you sure?" I asked. + +"Quite," he replied. "I have not actually seen the birds yet, but I have +heard them from my own garden, and of course the note of the nesting +reed-warbler is unmistakable." + +"Of course," I agreed. + +"It is a most extraordinary occurrence," he continued, "most +extraordinary." + +"You mean because there are no reeds there?" + +"Exactly." + +I was quite certain in my own mind that there were no reed-warblers +either, but I felt it would be impertinent for a layman like myself to +argue with Brown. + +"There!" he exclaimed, darting to the open window. "Can't you hear it?" + +I listened. "Oh, that," I said; "that's----" + +"The mating song of the male reed-warbler," interrupted Brown +ecstatically. "Now, whatever happens, don't let them be disturbed. Don't +even try to find the nest, or you may alarm them. Leave it all to me. I +shan't have a free morning till Saturday, but there's no hurry. I'll +bring my camera round then, and when I've located the spot they're +building in I'll rig up a hiding-place and take some photos. Don't let +anybody go near them; the great thing is to make them feel quite at +home." He was gone before I could explain. + +It is rather an awkward situation, because, when Brown comes on Saturday +morning, I am afraid that if he secures any really successful photos +they will prove a disappointment to him. They will represent my +gardener, Williams, trundling a barrow, the wheel of which is badly in +need of oil. + + * * * * * + +Tercentenarians. + + "It is one of the most marvellous of doubles that William + Shakespeare and Miguel de Cervantes died on the very same day of + the same year--on the 23rd day of April, 1916." + + _The Leader (B.E. Africa)._ + + * * * * * + +ROYAL ACADEMY-FIRST DEPRESSIONS. + +[Illustration: Gerald Kelly. _The Bird_. "Lucky thing I'm stuffed or I'd +have fallen off this perch long ago!"] + +[Illustration: Nurah Cundell. Women Workers on the land playing with +their week's wages. Note the Physical Development Produced by the +open-air life.] + +[Illustration: Robert Burns. The lady spy, having finished her +performance of the hymn of hate, sets the signal lights and awaits +confidently the arrival of the German fleet.] + +[Illustration: Sir E. J. Poynter, Bt., P.R.A. The shell-worker's mid-day +rest.] + +[Illustration: W. Orpen, A.R.A. and A. S. Cope, R.A. _Lord Spencer._ +"Not bad, but I fancy I take _The Tailor and Cutter's_ prize."] + +[Illustration: This is not in the Academy, but represents the Spirit of +Allegory luring ambitious artists to their doom.] + + * * * * * + +"WHEN THE BOYS COME HOME." + +[Illustration: Many women who are taking over men's work may not feel +inclined to return to their former occupations after the War. Their work +in that case will have to be done by men. + +Ex-soldiers Waiting in the Consulting-boom of Their Panel Doctor To Be +Treated for "housemaid's Knee."] + +[Illustration: Male nurse receiving the glad eye from a military +man-killer.] + + * * * * * + +THE SOLDIER'S SPRING. + + On stormy days I get quite warlike; + I find it easy to be fierce + In winter, when the land is more like + The Arctic Pole, with winds that pierce; + With James for foe and all the meadows mired + I feel in concord with the wildest plan, + And grudge no effort that may be required + To enfilade the man. + + But now how hard, when Spring is active, + To utter anything but purrs; + With all the hillside so attractive + How can one concentrate on "spurs"? + And oh, I sympathise with that young scout + Whom anxious folk sent forth to spy the foe, + But he came back and cried, "_The lilac's out_! + And that is all I know." + + They ask me things about my picket, + And whether I'm in touch with whom; + I want to lie in yonder thicket, + I only wish to touch the bloom; + And when men agitate about their flanks + And say their left is sadly in the air, + I hear the missel-thrush and murmur, "Thanks, + I wish that I was there." + + When we extend and crawl in grim rows, + I want to go and wander free; + I deviate to pluck a primrose, + I stay behind to watch a bee; + Nor have the heart to keep the men in line, + When some have lingered where the squirrels leap, + And some are busy by the eglantine, + And some are sound asleep. + + And always I am filled with presage + That, some fair noon of balmy airs, + I shall indite a rude Field Message + If Colonels pry in my affairs; + Shall tell them simply, "It is early May, + And here the daffodils are almost old; + About that sentry-group I cannot say---- + In fact it leaves me cold." + + But, strange, I do not think the enemy + In Spring-tide on the Chersonnese + Was any whit less vile or venomy + When all the heavens whispered Peace; + Though wild birds babbled in the cypress dim, + And through thick fern the drowsy lizards stole, + It never had the least effect on him-- + He can't have had a soul. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Lloyd George is taking over all the distilleries with + patent stills for munition work. Bonded whisky is sufficient for + two years' conviction."--_Times of Ceylon._ + +Provided that you take enough of it. + + * * * * * + + "It was a delight to hear the voices of the children ring through + the class-rooms in songs like 'Orpheus with his Lute' and 'Where + is Sylvia?'"--_Daily News._ + +We note an error in the latter title. It should, of course, have been, +"Has anybody here seen Sylvia?" + + * * * * * + +THE NEW DAMOCLES. + +[Illustration: John Bull. "I WON'T HAVE THIS THING HANGING OVER MY HEAD +ANY LONGER. I'LL HAVE IT IN MY HAND."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Tuesday, May 2nd._--The House of Commons was unusually well attended +this afternoon. Members filled the benches and overflowed into the +galleries, and many Peers looked down upon the scene, among them Lord +GRENFELL, formerly Commander-in-Chief in Ireland, and Lord MACDONNELL, +once Under-Secretary to the Lord-Lieutenant. All were curious to learn +what the PRIME MINISTER would have to say about the painful events of +the past week. Would he announce that the Government, conscious of +failure, had decided to resign _en bloc_? Or would it be merely pruned +and strengthened by the lopping of a few of the obviously weaker +branches? + +Nothing of the sort. Mr. ASQUITH made the barest allusion to the +surrender of Kut--an incident which was "not one of serious military +significance." As for the insurrection in Dublin, there would be a +debate upon it as soon as the Government had completed its enquiries. +The main purpose of his speech was to announce that the Government had +decided to introduce a Bill for general compulsion, and to get rid of +the piece-meal treatment of recruiting to which the House had objected. +Members were, I think, hardly prepared for the vigour with which the +PRIME MINISTER turned upon his critics, reminding them that just the +same denunciation of "vacillating statesmen" was current in the days of +PITT. No doubt there had been blunders both in policy and strategy, but +nevertheless the contribution of this Kingdom and this Empire to the +common cause was growing steadily, and the military situation of the +Allies was never so good as it was to-day. If the Government no longer +had the confidence of the people, he thundered out, "let the House say +so." + +While the immediate answer to this challenge was a volley of cheers, +most of the speakers in the subsequent debate disguised their confidence +in the Government so successfully that it almost appeared to be +non-existent. From Sir EDWARD CARSON, who acidly remarked that it was +unnecessary for him to praise the Government, as "they always do that +for themselves," down to Sir JOHN SIMON, who declared that compulsion +was being introduced from considerations of political expediency rather +than military necessity, no one seemed to be convinced that the +Government even now quite knew its own mind. + +The House of Lords, after listening to a moving tribute to the memory of +Lord ST. ALDWYN from his old colleague, Lord LANSDOWNE, settled down to +a debate on the new Order in Council prohibiting references to Cabinet +secrets. It met with equal condemnation from Lord PARMOOR as a +constitutional lawyer and from Lord BURNHAM as a practical journalist. +The Ministers who "blabbed" were the real criminals. Lord BURNHAM +recommended to them the example of the gentleman in the French +Revolution, who always wore a gag in order to retain his self-control. + +Lord BUCKMASTER, that "most susceptible Chancellor," made a very +ingenuous defence of his colleagues. They were the unconscious victims +of adroit interviewers, who obtained information from them by a process +of extraction so painless that they did not know the value of what they +were giving away. + +It is time that these innocents were protected against themselves. A gag +must in future be issued to every Minister with his Windsor uniform. The +discarded G.R. armlets of the V.T.C. might very well serve the purpose. + +_Wednesday, May 3rd_.--When, some nine years ago, Mr. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL +was appointed Chief Secretary to the Lord-Lieutenant a friend who had +some knowledge of Irish affairs wrote to him: "I do not know whether to +congratulate you or condole with you, but I think it is the latter." + +It was an easy guess, but its confirmation took an unusually long time. +Indeed, at one moment it looked as if Mr. BIRRELL would escape the +almost invariable fate of Irish Secretaries, and leave Dublin with his +political reputation enhanced. When he had placed the National +University Act on the Statute-book, thus solving a problem that had +baffled his predecessors since the Union, he might have sung his _Nunc +Dimittis_ in a halo. + +Perhaps he was not sufficiently ambitious to demand release; perhaps +none of his colleagues was anxious to take his job; perhaps the +Nationalist leader insisted on keeping him in the silken fetters of +office as a hostage for Home Rule. Anyhow, the opportunity was missed; +and thenceforward Nemesis dogged his track. + +Two years ago it seemed that Ulster would be his stumbling-block. The +War saved him from that, but only to bring him down through more +sinister instruments. In his pathetic apology this afternoon he +confessed that he had failed to estimate accurately the strength of the +Sinn Fein movement. He might have been wrong in not suppressing it +before, but his omission to do so was due to a consuming desire to keep +Ireland's front united in face of the common foe. + +This frank admission of error would in any case have disarmed hostile +criticism; but its effect was strengthened by the unseemly interjections +with which Mr. GINNELL accompanied it. If the Member for Westmeath is a +sample of the sort of persons with whom the CHIEF SECRETARY had to deal, +no wonder that he failed to understand the lengths to which they would +go. + +Mr. REDMOND, obviously disgusted by the pranks of his nominal supporter, +chivalrously shouldered part of the blame that Mr. BIRRELL had taken +upon himself; and even Sir EDWARD CARSON, though a life-long and bitter +opponent of his policy, was ready to admit that he had been +well-intentioned and had done his best. + +Later on, when the PRIME MINISTER had introduced the new Military +Service Bill, establishing compulsion for all men married or single, +Colonel CRAIG made a vain appeal to Mr. REDMOND to get the measure +extended to Ireland. Nothing would do more to show the world that the +recent rebellion was only the work of an insignificant section of the +Irish people. + +[Illustration: HIS MASTER'S VOICE. + +(With acknowledgments to the well-known poster.) + +Mr. Lloyd George to Mr. Holt, who moved the rejection of the Bill.] + +_Thursday, May 4th_.--Although Mr. GINNELL was one of the Members to +whom the Government were ready a week ago to impart secrets of State +with which the Press was not deemed fit to be trusted, I gather that he +has other sources of information which he considers much more +trustworthy. Among various tit-bits with which he regaled the House this +afternoon was a suggested reason why British aircraft have not yet +bombarded Essen. He has his suspicions that it is because members of the +British Cabinet have shares in some of FRAU KRUPP'S subsidiary +companies. + +Most people know that all leave from the Front was stopped just before +Easter, and have hitherto assumed that the stoppage was due to the +exigencies of the military situation. To Mr. PETO, an earnest seeker +after truth, as befits his name, Mr. TENNANT admitted that there was +another reason. Last year, it seems, some returning warriors got so much +mixed up in the congested Easter traffic that they never reached home at +all, so this year the authorities resolved to keep them out of the +danger-zone. + +The Government welcomes any suggestion that may help to win the War. Mr. +EUGENE WASON'S latest idea is that if the War Office and the Admiralty +were to put their heads together they might make it easier for outdoor +artists in Cornwall to obtain permits to pursue their studies, at +present restricted, in military areas; and Mr. TENNANT assured him that +this important matter was still "under consideration." + +The Second Reading of the Military Service Bill brought forth some +rather trite arguments from Mr. HOLT and other opponents of compulsion, +and a lively defence from Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, who thoroughly enjoyed the +opportunity, after a long silence, of being able to speak his mind +without fear of complications with his colleagues. With examples drawn +from France and the American Civil War he argued that compulsory service +was an essential incident of true democracy. But an even more effective +backing for the Bill came from Mr. ARTHUR HENDERSON. Hitherto, according +to his own description, "the heaviest drag-weight of the Cabinet," he +now lent it increased momentum, and carried with him into the Lobby all +but nine of his colleagues of the Labour Party. Altogether, Sir JOHN +SIMON and his friends mustered just three dozen, and the Second Reading +was carried against them by a majority of 292. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dear Old Silly._ "And where do you two come from?" + +_Wounded Australian._ "We're Anzacs, Madam." + +_Dear Old Silly._ "Really? How delightful! And do you both belong to +this same tribe?"] + + * * * * * + +Another Impending Apology. + + "Pigs.--Live Stock Mem of Mark. No. 10.--Alderman ----." + + _Live Stock Journal._ + + * * * * * + + "God be with Lord Hardinge wherever he may be, whatever may be + his sphere of service, for we fear we shall not look upon his + like again." + + "It is in this atmosphere of hope and confidence that Lord + Chelmsford takes up the mantle of the Viceroyalty."--_Times of + India._ + +Not for the first time the attempt to welcome the coming and speed the +parting guest in the same breath has failed to turn out quite happily. + + * * * * * + + "Evidence was given that the pig, which was introduced in a + revue at the Metropolitan Music Hall, was kept at the back of + the stage in a crate in which it could not turn or stretch + itself ... Mr. Paul Taylor said he was glad the case had been + ventilated." + + _The Times._ + +So, no doubt, was the pig. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Instructor._ "Gunnery, gentlemen, is an exact mechanical +science. Everything is done by rule----" + +_Ex-Actor._ "Then where does my personality come in, Sir?"] + + * * * * * + +FASHION-PLATE PATRIOTS. + + Since our ranks, Mr. _Punch_, you've seen fit to upbraid + (These lines are to show that you're hard on us), + When you hear the defence of the fashion-plate maid + I'm perfectly certain you'll pardon us; + Though our heels and our hose and our frills and our frocks, + Regardless of taste and expense, + Your notion of war-time economy shocks; + We're doing our bit, in a sense. + + Now take, for example, Irene and me; + She's thin and I'm rather--voluminous; + Our skirts, full and frilly, just cover the knee, + And our hose-play discourages gloominess; + We've a bent for a boot with a soul-stirring spat, + Gilt-buttoned and stubbily toed, + And a top-gallant plume on a tip-tilted hat + When we're ripe for the Park and the road. + + The public each week, Mr. _Punch_, you impress + With your cool-headed wit and ability, + So I wonder you've not had the gumption to guess + There's method in our imbecility; + Read on, and your premature chiding deplore, + For our merciful mission, in brief, + Is to brighten the tragical drama of war + By providing the comic relief. + + * * * * * + + If I were like a man I know and _Billing_ were my name, + I wouldn't waste my precious time in striving after fame; + I'd let it come to me unsought, unstruggled for, and then + I'd just go on existing as a perfect specimen. + + No care would line my marble brow; I'd take no thought of pelf; + I'd lie the long day through at ease a-thinking of myself; + For when a man's mere presence lends to any scene delight + He needn't worry what he does--whate'er he does is right. + + If I could bloom as blooms the rose, and BILLING were a bee, + With all my pink and petalled force I'd coax him unto me; + I'd open out my honeyed store, and he might linger on, + Or cut and cut and come again until the whole were gone. + + Such heaps of charm our BILLING has, such tons of _savoir faire_, + It irks me much to see him spend his treasures on the air; + And, still to hint a further fault, he cultivates the pose + Of knowing all of everything, and lets you know he knows. + + * * * * * + + Reproductions of Mr. Punch's picture "Haven" are to be sold for + the benefit of the Star and Garter Building Fund, and may be + obtained from the Secretary of the Fund, at 21, Old Bond Street, + W. They are to be had in two sizes, at _2s. 6d._ and _1s._, or, + with Postage and Packing, _2s. 10d._ and _1s. 2d._ + + * * * * * + +THE LUCKIEST MAN. + +We were talking, the other night, about lucky people. Barmer declared +that he knew the man (of whom we had all of us heard) who was left a +large fortune by an eccentric old gentleman whose hat he had picked up +on a windy day at Brighton. A better and more original contribution to +the discussion was that of Bastable, a retired Anglo-Indian. I give it +as nearly as I can in his own words. "The luckiest man I ever met," he +said, "is my groom-gardener, Andrews. I don't mean to say in respect of +prosperity or health, for he is a delicate man, and I can only afford to +give him a modest wage. But he has a charmed life, as you will admit +when you hear of his three escapes. + +"Number 1 was when he was employed in repairing the roof of one of the +big London stations. He was slung up in a cradle when he lost his +balance and fell to the ground--a distance of about 80 feet. The odds +were about a million to one that he would be killed, but he managed to +light on precisely the one spot in the whole station area which secured +him a soft fall--a barrel of butter which was standing on the platform, +and from which, for some reason or other, the lid had been removed. The +butter was ruined, but Andrews escaped with a bad shaking. I believe the +butter-merchant brought an action against the Company, but I forget what +happened. + +"Number 2 grew out of Andrews's weakness for parrots. He had bought a +parrot from a sailor, who told him that the best way to teach it to +speak was to hang the cage in a well and repeat the words or phrases to +it at 3 A.M. in the morning, so as to secure the greatest freedom from +disturbance. Andrews was then employed in a brewery at Watford, and +lived in a cottage with a strip of garden at the back. There was also a +well, so that he could carry out the sailor's instructions on the spot. +The cage, which was a large one and nearly filled the well, was made +fast to the bucket apparatus, and the first two lessons passed off +without any incident. But on the third night, when Andrews was hard at +work, he was hailed by a policeman, who came along the lane at the side +of the garden--it was an end house--and asked him what he was doing. +When Andrews said that he was teaching his parrot to talk, the +policeman, naturally suspecting that he was there for some felonious +purpose, climbed over the wall and made a grab at him. It was a dark +night, and, in trying to dodge the policeman, Andrews stepped into the +well, which, according to his account, was ninety feet deep. But, as +good luck would have it, he got jammed between the cage and the side of +the well, and remained hung up until the policeman hauled him out with +the aid of the bucket rope. He was badly bruised, but got all right in a +few days. + +"Andrews's third and last escape was in the War. He was a reservist, +went out early, saw a lot of fighting and came through without a scratch +till last November, when his trench was rushed and he was taken +prisoner. The front trenches at that point were only about forty yards +apart, and before he was removed to the rear a British shell lit close +to him and blew him back into his own lines. He was badly hurt and, +after some months in hospital, was invalided out of the Army, but +manages to do the light work I want all right." + +We all subscribed to Bastable's view of Andrews's luck--all at least +except Barmer, who was a little nettled at having his story eclipsed. "I +can believe the yarn about the shell," he said, "but the butter story is +a bit thick, and all tales about parrots are suspect." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bus Conductor._ "Blimy! We _do_ want an Air Minister, +and no mistake, with things like you floatin' abaht in the sky."] + + * * * * * + +Toujours la Politesse. + + "The officer and a man ran in and respectfully shot with a + revolver and bayoneted two other men each."--_Englishman + (Calcutta)._ + + * * * * * + + "Washington, Monday. + + A representative from Mr. Gerard on his visit to the Kaiser at + Headquarters has been received at the State Department, and is + now being decoded."--_Manchester Daily Dispatch._ + +We cannot believe that any American diplomatist could be a mere cipher. + + * * * * * + +MEDICALLY UNFIT. + + For weight of years some men must stay + And some must pause for lack, + And some there are would be away + But duty holds them back, + Driving the jobs at home that must be done + To smash the Hun. + + And others, whether old or young, + Refuse to wait behind; + And some with scarcely half a lung + Have found the doctors kind; + Yet never once did any listen to my tick + But barred me quick. + + And some whose place should be the van + Are doing nothing much; + By all the blood that beats in Man + I would that any such + Could loan me, while he plays the skulker's part, + His coward heart. + + * * * * * + +A JUST MAN. + +There were four on each side. At the last moment a short round man came +running up and got in. Hurry had not improved his mood, and one glance +of his eye was enough to make me move along two inches to give him room. +He stood arranging his luggage on the rack, pulled his coat straight, +and sat down--on the other side. The suddenness of his assault was +terrific. I quickly recovered my two inches, and the journey to the next +station was quite pleasant, so far as I was concerned. + +He and I were then left alone. + +"I am much obliged to you for moving to make room for me, Sir," he said +politely. "But when I get into a compartment with four a side I make it +a practice to sit down on the side on which nobody has moved--on +principle, Sir, on principle." + + * * * * * + +Very Still Life. + +From a notice of Mr. BRANGWYN'S Academy picture, "The Poulterer's +Shop":-- + + "Everything lies in its place as if it had been there for + centuries."--_Morning Post._ + + * * * * * + +A Sinecure. + + "GENERAL; L20; fam 2; every Sunday and wk-day off."--_Daily + Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "The rebels barricaded St. Stephen's Green with motor-cars and + tramcars, as in the French Revolution."--_Northampton + Chronicle._ + +The 1789 models of motor-cars and tramcars are of course out of date by +now. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"Pen." + +During one of the intervals which served so well to eke out the brief +two hours of Mr. VACHELL's new "comedy," and were quite as good as many +things in the play, I allowed my mind--an absolute blank--to dwell upon +certain arresting features in the stage curtain of the St. James's +Theatre. In the centre, imposed upon a design whose significance I do +not pretend to penetrate, is a gigantic wreath encircling a monogram of +the magic initials, G. A., which are surmounted by something which I +took to be an heraldic top-hat. This headpiece is in turn surmounted by +an heraldic eagle--the ordinary arrangement by which the helmet appears +above the coat-of-arms being thus reversed. The central design is +flanked on each side by two other wreaths, massive but subordinate. +Within the sinister wreath is enshrined in Greek capitals the letters +ALEX, and within the dexter wreath the letters ANDROS. "Reading from +left to right" we have here the historic name of the Macedonian monarch. + +I cannot account for the Greek form of the name on the ground that the +St. James's Theatre is the home of the Classical Drama, for the themes +of its plays seldom go back beyond the later decades of the 19th century +A.D., and I can only conclude that it is meant to indicate that the +conquests of Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER'S company resemble those of the famous +phalanx of his namesake, the Great. + +Most theatres have an atmosphere of their own, and it would be hard to +recall any play at the St. James's that has been less in keeping with +the local climate than this comedy, so described, of Mr. VACHELL'S. On +the score of impropriety and improbability it might in the old days have +appealed to the Criterion management; but its lack of broad humour must +have negatived these advantages. In any case Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER'S +house was no place for a farce so out of harmony with Macedonian +methods. + +Almost its solitary interest lay in the doubt, maintained to the last +moment, as to which of its many fatuous males would turn out to be the +hero--meaning by hero the chosen husband of the heroine, for none of +them had any personal claim to the title. Indeed, the choice ultimately +fell upon the one that had the least distinctive personality of all, his +disguise being kept up by a kind of protective colourlessness. + +But for Miss ELLIS JEFFREYS, who played the aunt of the preposterous +_Lady Pen_ with a courage worthy of a better cause, and extracted from +the play such humour as it held for her, matters would have gone badly +for those of us who have been accustomed to look to Mr. VACHELL for +entertainment. Mr. ALLAN AYNESWORTH, as the heroine's guardian, had no +difficulty in transmitting pleasantly enough his mild share of the fun. +Miss MARIE HEMINGWAY needed all her prettiness to make up for the +futility of her part. And I was really sorry that so sound an actor as +Mr. DAWSON MILWARD should have had such ineffective stuff put into his +mouth. + +Far the funniest thing about the play was the fact that so clever and +experienced a writer should have made it. Perhaps the compliments I have +paid to my friend Mr. VACHELL in these columns have given me the right +to beg him not to take advantage of his many recent successes and palm +off on the public just any kind of banality, For these are days when +pens (with or without a big P) must be pretty good if they are to +compete with the sword. + +With this appeal (and with a silent prayer that the play may not come by +a natural death in time for my homily to serve as a funeral +appreciation) I hasten to conclude, hoping that it will find, him in the +pink (as they say) of a blushful remorse; and, anyhow, I remain, + +His sincerely, O. S. + + * * * * * + +NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN. + +XI.--Saint John's Wood. + + Saint John walked in a Wood + Where elm-trees spread their branches + And Squirrels climbed and Pigeons cooed. + And Hares sat on their haunches. + He built him willow huts + Wherever he might settle; + His meat was chiefly hazel-nuts, + His drink the honey-nettle. + His Wood that grew so green + Is now as grey as stone; + His Wood may any day be seen, + But where's the good Saint John? + + * * * * * + + "On all faces was the defiant scowl of hatred as we looked at + them."--_Daily Chronicle._ + +What had our genial contemporary done to deserve this? + + * * * * * + + "Turkish newspapers received in Copenhagen contain long lists of + names of prominent Arabs who have been hanged for treason or for + absenting themselves from military service. Overleaf is another + list of well-known Arabs living in Great Britain and the British + Colonies, who are cordially invited to return without + delay."--_Morning Paper._ + +Dilly ducks, dilly ducks, come and be killed. + + * * * * * + +JUSTIFICATION. + +[Illustration: _Wife._ "Two bottles of ginger-beer, dear?" + +_He._ "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our +wedding-day?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.) + +It is pleasant to find that even in these days the revival of interest +in volumes of short stories still continues. But of course the stories +must have a certain quality. I am glad to think that _Traveller's +Samples_ (MILLS AND BOON) will help forward the movement. Mrs. HENRY +DUDENEY has a quite excellent touch for this sort of thing; her tales +are both atmospheric and, for their length, astonishingly full of +character. Also she has an engaging habit of avoiding the expected. Take +one of the best in this present book, called "_John_," for instance. It +is the slightest possible thing, just a picture of a schoolboy's +hopeless love for a shallow cruel-brained girl eight years older than +himself, who is in process of getting engaged to an eligible bachelor. +But every figure in the little group lives. And the second part, which +tells the return of the boy-lover twelve years later, shows you what I +mean about Mrs. DUDENEY'S refreshing originality. I doubt if there are +many writers who would have finished off the story in her very +satisfactory way. There is one quality characteristic of most of the +tales--a feeling for middle-age in men and women; many of them seem to +be variations upon the same theme of a love that comes by waiting. Mrs. +DUDENEY can handle this situation with unfailing charm. Her confessed +comedies are by far the weakest things in the book; there is one of them +indeed that seemed to me amazingly pointless. But with this exception I +can commend her volume whole-heartedly, and only hope that the author +will continue to send out goods of such excellent workmanship, "as per" +(whatever that means) these attractive samples. + +Those who search for minor compensations have affected to find one in +the idea that the actual happening of the World War has removed from us +the old fictional scares, novels of German super-spies, and unsuspecting +islanders taken unprepared. But to think this is to reckon without the +ingenuity of such writers as Mr. RIDGWELL CULLUM. He, for example, has +but to postulate that worst nightmare of all, an inconclusive peace, and +we are back in the former terrors, blacker than ever. Suppose the Polish +inventor of German undersea craft to have been so stricken with remorse +at the frightful results thereof that he determines to hand all his +secrets to the English Government, in the person of a young gentleman +who combines the positions of Cabinet Minister, son and heir to a great +shipbuilder, and hero of the story; suppose, moreover, that the said +inventor was blessed with an only daughter, of radiant beauty and the +rather conspicuous name of _Vita Vladimir_; suppose the inevitable +romance, a secret submarine expedition to the island where Germany is +maturing her felonious little plans, the destruction of the latest +frightfulness, retaliation by Prussian myrmidons, abductions, murders, +and I don't know what besides--and you will have some faint idea of the +tumultuous episodes of _The Men Who Wrought_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL). To say +that the story moves is vastly to understate its headlong rapidity of +action. And, while I hardly fancy that the characters themselves will +carry overwhelming conviction, there remains, in the theory of the +submersible liner and application to political facts, enough genuine +wisdom to lift the tale out of the company of six-shilling shockers. To +this extent at least _The Men Who Wrought_ combines instruction with +entertainment. + + * * * * * + +_Inter-Arma_ (HEINEMANN) is the title that Mr. EDMUND GOSSE has given to +his latest volume of essays, reprinted from _The Edinburgh Review_. No +one who loves clarity of style will need assurance about the quality of +these studies, which, with one exception, are concerned with some or +other aspect of the world-struggle. In "War and Literature," a paper +dated during the black days of October, 1914, the author attempts to +realise what will be the probable literary effect of the catastrophe by +recounting the various ways in which French writers suffered from that +of 1870. An interesting prediction, too, as recalling what many of us +believed at the beginning of the war, is this about the future of +English letters: "What we must really face is the fact that this harvest +of volumes [the autumn publishings of 1914] will mark the end of what is +called 'current literature' for the remaining duration of the war. There +can be no aftermath, we can aspire to no revival. The book which does +not deal directly and crudely with the complexities of warfare and the +various branches of strategy will, from Christmas onwards, not be +published at all." As they stand, these words might well serve as a mild +tonic for "current pessimism"; not even the paper famine has brought +them to fulfilment. Elsewhere in the volume is an instructive paper on +"The Neutrality of Sweden" (valuable but vexatious, as are all the +indictments of our insular apathy in the matter of influencing foreign +opinion), and two or three interesting studies of French life and +letters under the conditions of war. In fine, a book full of scholarly +grace, such as may well achieve the writer's hope, expressed in his +preface, of renewing the friendship he has already made with those +readers "whose minds have become attuned to his," though they are now +"separated from him by leagues of sea and occupied in noble and +unprecedented service." + + * * * * * + +The author of _The Dop Doctor_, with her expansive style, always seems +cramped in any story of under a couple of hundred thousand words or so. +Perhaps the best things in her new book of short stories, _Earth to +Earth_ (HEINEMANN), concern _The Macwaugh_, a shocking bad artist with +an immense thirst and the heftiest of Scotch accents. I don't think that +there ever was or could be anybody like _Macwaugh_, or indeed that +people talk or act like the majority of the characters in this book; but +that's where, perhaps, "RICHARD DEHAN" scores a point or two off those +realists who mistake accuracy of detail for art. This amiable drunkard, +though absurd, lives and moves. The author is evidently attached to him, +and that helps. She has, indeed, something of the Dickensian exuberance +which carries off absurdities and crudities that would otherwise be +intolerably tiresome. She even seems to get some fun out of this kind of +thing:--"'Write,' commanded the Zanouka with a double-barrelled flash of +her great eyes;" or, again, "It's all poppycock and bumblepuppy," +meaning, just, it isn't true. + + * * * * * + +If you are writing or intending to write a book about boys let me beg +you not to follow the prevailing fashion and call your hero David. +Within the last few weeks I have read DAVID PENSTEPHEN, DAVID BLAISE, +and now it is Miss ELEANOR PORTER'S _Just David_ (CONSTABLE) and I am +beginning to want a rest from the name. _David III._, if he may be +called so, has saved me from utter confusion of mind by being an +American product and having a charm that is peculiarly his own. Cynics +indeed may find his perfection a little cloying, and may say with some +justification that no human child ever radiated so much joy and +happiness. All the same, this simple tale of childhood will appeal +irresistibly to those who do not draw too fine a distinction between +sentiment and sentimentality. On the whole Miss PORTER, although +hovering near the border, does not pass into the swamps of sloppiness, +and as an antidote to War fiction I can recommend _Just David_ without +any further qualification. + + * * * * * + +RICHARD HARDING DAVIS will, alas, entertain us no more with his +easy-flowing pen. These short stories, _Somewhere in France_ +(DUCKWORTH), must be his farewell to us. And it is good to feel that his +sympathies are so whole-heartedly on the right side. The first of the +stories (the only one that has anything to do with the War) is a +spirited yarn of the turning of the tables on a German secret service +agent, with plenty of atmosphere and hurrying action. The rest are light +studies of American life, of which I chiefly commend an extravaganza set +in Hayti with a resourceful Yankee electrician, as hero, in conflict +with the President in the matter of overdue wages; and the final item of +a tussle between a stern and upright District Attorney and the might of +Tammany, in which the author seems to have a rather whimsical mistrust +of both sides. I always like to think of Tammany when our croakers are +holding up everything in this poor little island to obloquy. + + * * * * * + +The God in the Car. + + "Rumania asked permission for the passage through Bulgaria of + several wagons of grain bought from Greece. Bulgaria agreed on + condition that Rumania should release over 200 wagons of + Bulgarian gods detained in Rumania." + + * * * * * + + "An extract of squills, which has been used by the French + Government in the trenches for two or three months, is to be + used in a Berwickshire County Council experiment to exterminate + rates." + + _Provincial Paper._ + +We should like to hear of something equally deadly to taxes. + + * * * * * + + "Miss Ruby Miller is in gorgeous green, to match her gorgeous + red hair."--_Sunday Pictorial._ + +It is perhaps just as well that some people, notably engine-drivers, do +not see things in this way. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Chauffeur (ex-coachman, to master, who has been +influenced by economy posters)._ "A run or two now and again, Sir, would +be good for the car. You see, if I might so express it, she's just +eating her bonnet off."] + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +150, MAY 10, 1916*** + + +******* This file should be named 22992.txt or 22992.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/9/22992 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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