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diff --git a/23032.txt b/23032.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f233999 --- /dev/null +++ b/23032.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2184 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, +April 8, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, April 8, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: October 14, 2007 [EBook #23032] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Janet Blenkinship and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + + +VOL. 146 + + +APRIL 8, 1914. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + "MR. ASQUITH CLEANS THE SLATE." + +_Daily Chronicle._ + +The pity is that so many of his followers seem to prefer to slate the +clean. + + * * * + +Even _The Nation_ is not quite satisfied with the Government, and has +been alluding to "the extreme slackness of Cabinet methods," and +complains that "situations are not thought out beforehand." The +Government, apparently, is now taking the lesson to heart, for _H.M.S. +Foresight_, we read, has now replaced _H.M.S. Pathfinder in_ Belfast +Lough. + + * * * + +What the newspapers describe as "An unknown Botticelli" has just been +sold by a celebrated firm of art dealers to an American gentleman, and +it only remains to hope that the painting was not unknown to BOTTICELLI. + + * * * + +"A telegram from Toledo," says a contemporary, "reports the theft of +three valuable pictures by the celebrated artist, El Greco." There must +be some mistake here. Anyhow, at the time of his death, a good many +years ago, this gentleman was not under suspicion. + + * * * + +The Christian Endeavour Union of Washington, alarmed at the spread of +luxury, has launched a society whose members pledge themselves to wear +no finery during Easter. Those members who hide baldness by means of +elaborate coiffures might carry the idea further by appearing, for one +week only, with heads like Easter eggs. + + * * * + +Whether it is due to the Suffrage movement or not it is difficult to +say, but women are undoubtedly coming into their rights by degrees. By +the provisions of the new Bankruptcy Act it is now possible for any +married woman, whether trading apart from her husband or not, to be made +a bankrupt. + + * * * + +In connection with the "Kensington Camp Week," when an effort is to be +made to raise sufficient funds to establish and equip headquarters for +the Kensington Reservists, a full-sized elephant has been chartered to +ramble about the principal thoroughfares and collect money for the +cause. To ensure success the sagacious quadruped is to be trained to +step accidentally on the toes of those persons who ignore its appeal. + + * * * + +A correspondent writes to _The Observer_ complaining bitterly of the +state of the morass leading to the Aerodrome at Hendon. This gentleman +does not realise that there is a didactic purpose in the cause of his +annoyance. Learn to fly and you will keep your boots clean. + + * * * + +[Illustration: _Nut (in car)._ "WHAT'S THAT, KID? 'WHY DON'T I KEEP ON +THE ROAD?' WELL, THE SWEEP MUST BE DEAF--THE BALLY HOOTAH DON'T SHIFT +HIM, AND--WELL, MY DEAR GIRL, THE CAR WAS CLEANED THIS MORNING!"] + + * * * + +A man has been sentenced at Barmen, Prussia, on three separate counts to +terms of imprisonment totalling 175 years. It is proposed that all the +proprietors of specifics for prolonging life shall be given a free hand +to enable the prisoner to cope with his sentence. + + * * * + +All German actresses, whether married or single, are, in accordance with +the ruling of the German Theatrical Union of Berlin, to be styled +henceforth "Frau Schauspielerin," _i.e._ "Mrs. Actress." We are +confident that this does not mean that those who are not married ought +to be. + + * * * + +An advertisement from _The Times_:--"BIG GAME EXPEDITION. Private and +public shooting. Polar bears, musk oxen, walrus and seals arranged." +This is not so easy as it sounds, for, ten to one, as soon as you have +got the beasts arranged one of those plaguey musk oxen will spoil the +whole thing by moving out of its place. + + * * * + +A remarkable story is being told of the sagacity of a horse belonging to +Captain WATSON, of Ardow, Mull. It lost a shoe, and, managing to get out +of the field where it was grazing, travelled a considerable distance to +a blacksmith, who was astonished to find the horse standing in front of +the door holding up a fore-leg. The horse was shod, and then--we are +afraid the rest of the story makes ugly reading--coolly galloped off +without paying. + + * * * * * + + "After the annexation of Alsace by Germany the baron stayed some + years in Paris, and became an intimate friend of Chopin." + + _Andover Advertiser._ + +Never realising that CHOPIN had died more than twenty years before. + + * * * * * + +From a beauty specialist's advertisement:-- + + "How a poet of such a 'profound subtlety of instinct for the + absolute expression of absolute natural beauty' as Keats could have + penned the lines:-- + + '_Beauty is Fat, Fat Beauty. That is all Ye know on earth, and all + ye need to know._' + + must remain one of those unfathomable curiosities of the working of + the human mind." + +We hope the writer hasn't been bothering about it for long. The good +news we have for him--that KEATS didn't--will remove a great weight from +his mind. + + * * * * * + + "The bride's going away costume was of Parma violet cloth, with + waistcoat effect, in brocaded silk. She wore, also, a large blue + wolf, the gift of the bridegroom." + + _Newcastle Evening Chronicle._ + +_Bride_. "Of course, dear, one is bound not to look a gift wolf in the +mouth, but are you _sure_ the large blue ones don't bite?" + + * * * * * + +HOW TO GET ON OFF-HAND. + +(_A New Way With Employers._) + +The applicant for work is usually thrown into a state of nervous +prostration by the difficulties that beset his task. By a perusal of the +following hints he may learn to acquire an invulnerable calm, and if he +follows the directions given he can reckon on surprising results. + +Suppose the application is for clerical work. + +When you are shown into the office of the employer he will probably be +engaged with his correspondence. Do not stand meekly in front of him +till he looks up and addresses you. This is playing into his hands. +Instead, be perfectly at your ease. Make yourself at home. You might +ring up one of your acquaintances on the telephone and have a little +chat until the employer is disposed to interview you. + +Possibly, however, he himself may be using the instrument. If so draw a +seat to the desk and write any little note you may wish to. You will +find writing materials handy. The stamps are usually kept in one of the +small drawers to the right of the desk. + +Either of these proceedings will show that you are used to an office and +will create an impression on the employer. If you look at him you will +see that it has done so. + +If he stares at you and continues to stare, say pleasantly, "What a +glorious sky this morning! I believe we are in for a long spell of fine +weather." + +At this he will probably grunt out gruffly, "Ugh!" + +Sympathise with his tonsils. Recommend any simple remedy of which you +have heard, or point out the advantages of several spots on the Sussex +coast. Ask him where his favourite holiday resort is; whether he goes +there alone or if he is married, and if so how many children he has. Ask +if they are all well at home. + +Remember politeness costs nothing. + +This method of leading up to business is much better than the old one, +in which you stand and are bullied by a man who has no sort of right +over you except that he has employment to offer and you want it badly. + +Therefore converse with him as if he were an equal, though possibly he +may be your inferior. + +He may not answer your kind enquiries, but look you up and down from the +welt of your boot to your scarf-pin. All employers have learnt this +method of scrutiny. They have learnt it from their wives. + +Should he examine you in this manner, smile agreeably and walk a few +yards to display your profile. Then change the angle and afford him a +back view. Say easily, "This collar fits neatly, does it not?" or +something like that. + +Turning, you can show yourself pleased with his own style of dress. + +"Excuse my mentioning it," you remark, "but your taste in neck-gear is +exquisite. I have similar ties myself." + +This will flatter him, and those men are very susceptible to flattery. +Also he will be led to speculate favourably upon the stylishness and +extent of your wardrobe. + +After this interval of mutual admiration you draw a chair to the centre +of the room and say, "I believe you have a vacancy in the office? What +is it you want me to be? I presume you think of still managing the +business yourself? I will gladly listen to your terms and we will +discuss my prospects." + +It is now his move. Lean back in your chair and light a cigarette, +regarding him with a reassuring smile. + +You will find that he will have listened to you attentively, looking +hard at your face. As you finish he will push his chair back, rise and +strut across the room. + +Now is your chance to decide your fate one way or the other. + +When he has gone a few steps produce your watch and exclaim in a mildly +vexed tone, "How annoying! I had almost forgotten. I have another +appointment at eleven. In the short time remaining at our disposal it is +impossible to deal adequately with any offer you may make. May I propose +an adjournment?" + +The suggestion of independence thus delicately conveyed will usually +have the desired effect and result in an immediate engagement. + +Should the employer fail to be impressed he simply pushes the bell and +you are shown off the premises with great promptitude. + + * * * * * + + "WANTED, strong Willing Girl, age 18, to wait on trained nurses and + assist third housemaid upstairs." + + _Advt. in "Morning Post."_ + +We should give the third housemaid one more chance and then, if she +still can't get upstairs without assistance, dismiss her. + + * * * * * + +IN A GOOD CAUSE. + +[Illustration] + +_To Every Reader of "Punch"._ + +DEAR READER,--H.R.H. PRINCE ARTHUR OF CONNAUGHT has consented to take +the chair at the Centenary dinner of the Artists' General Benevolent +Institution on May 6th. This Institution devotes itself to the help of +artists who are in need through poverty, sickness or other ill-chance. +As a lover of Art--and, of men--I am in close sympathy with this good +work, and am to be represented at the dinner in the person of my Art +Editor, Mr. F.H. TOWNSEND, who will act as one of the Stewards. I am +appealing to my readers of their kindness to send something to swell his +list, and so to help in making this Centenary a memorable year in the +history of the Artists' General Benevolent Institution. Contributions +addressed to Mr. F.H. TOWNSEND, "Punch" Office, 10, Bouverie Street, +E.C., will be very gratefully acknowledged. + + Your faithful Servant, + Punch. + + * * * * * + +Unrest in India. + + "The handwriting appeared to be that of a young school student and + the word 'Prosecutor' had been spelt 'Prosecutor.' The matter is + under enquiry." + + "_Statesman_" (_Calcutta_). + +It is our earnest hope that this grave business will be sifted to the +bottom. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN EASTER EGG. + +THE GREY FOWL. "A LITTLE SUGGESTION THAT I HAVE LAID ON THE TABLE--SO TO +SPEAK."] + +[Illustration: _Servant (rebuked for bringing in a dirty cup_). "FUNNY +THING, MUM, I ALWAYS SEEM TO HIT UPON THIS ONE WHEN YOU HAVE COMPANY."] + + * * * * * + +THE MANLY PART. + +(_Reflections at the moment of "Moving in."_) + + The house has burst a-bloom like CERES' daughter; + The painters bicker and the plumbers flee; + The H. tap in the bathroom gives cold water + Endlessly, like the C. + + All arts are being used to gild the tarnished, + And exorcise old ghosts and spirits fled, + And treacherous quags abound where boards are varnished + And no man's boot may tread. + + And none can tell me where my spats were taken, + And decorators' coats adorn the pegs, + And savour of new paint surrounds the bacon, + New paint is in the eggs. + + And huge men meet me and remark, "This dresser, + Where shall we put it?" And of course I say, + "Up in the bedroom;" and they answer, "Yessir," + But Marion bids them stay. + + All right--I'll sit (the sole place where one _can_ sit) + And gaze upon these walls with wild surmise, + And muse on all the things we've lost in transit, + The socks, the gloves, the ties. + + Here, where in time to come the firebeams ruddy, + Falling on cosy chairs and bookshelves straight, + Shall show to me my own familiar study, + And Maud shall do the grate, + + Here in this narrow carpet's sacred border, + Girt by the wet distemper's weltering foam, + I'll do my bit to set the house in order + And make it seem like home. + + Mere hackwork, doubtless, is the stuff for women, + But mine to dissipate the dark has-been, + Mine to remove what shades are clustered dim in + Corners and coigns unseen; + + To start the holiest rite of installation, + And from the still-remembering walls to wipe + All traces of a previous occupation-- + Briefly, to light my pipe. + + Paint is no hall-mark of a decent dwelling, + And moving furniture makes such a din; + The master's part shall be the ghost-dispelling-- + That is where he comes in. + + Forget not, while ye tramp with tread sonorous + The unclothed stairs and catch my weed's perfume, + That three mild spinsters had the house before us; + This was their morning-room. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +A quotation in _The Edinburgh Evening Dispatch_ of a verse of Mr. ROBERT +BRIDGES' new poem ends like this:-- + + + "From numbing stress and gloom profound + Madest escape in life desirous + To embroider her thin-spun robe." + + * * * * * + + [PARAGRAPH ADVERTISEMENT.] + + 'WHO'S THE LADY?'" + +Perhaps the POET LAUREATE will answer. + + * * * * * + +THE BOOK-BUYER. + +There was plenty to eat, the landlord said, if the commercial gentlemen +made no objection to my joining their table; and such objection was very +unlikely, since nicer gentlemen you couldn't hope to meet. + +He then went off to put the point to them, and they seem to have been +very charming about it, judging by the cordiality and courtesy of the +welcome which I received. Being, however, at the end of the table, I had +but one neighbour, and he not a very communicative one, for, although he +did at once lay down his knife and fork to tell me that the beef came +from Scotland and was therefore more to be desired than the mutton, +which was local, he said no more, and I was therefore left to eat in +silence, my two _vis-a-vis_ being engaged in a private conversation. +Such little as from time to time I heard among the others was not much +in my line, dealing as it did either with horses, Ulster, or Mexico; but +suddenly a big man with a purple face and a signet ring as large as a +carriage lamp plunged me into curiosity by remarking that he "never +bought less than three two-shilling books a week, and sometimes four." + +These being the last words I should have expected from him, for he +looked absolutely the type that reads only a half-penny daily and a +sporting sheet and puts in the rest of its leisure at gossip or cards, +and as I am interested in people's taste in literature, I determined to +improve his acquaintance and discover something as to his favourite +authors; and again, as I made this resolve, I realised how foolish it is +ever to expect the outside of a man to be any index of his mind. One +never can tell, and one is always having further proof that one never +can tell, and yet one goes on trying to tell. + +Studying him in a series of glances, I set him down for a NAT GOULD man. + +The arrival of coffee and the departure of certain guests (wisely, as it +happened,) who did not want that curious beverage, relaxed the table, +and I moved up to the brave buyer of books. He received me affably, and +we exchanged a few remarks on those ice-breaking matters of no +importance upon which real convictions are not expected. Then, with a +deft touch, I turned the talk to literature. "I suppose," I said, "with +your long journeys you get plenty of time for reading?" + +"Time enough," he said. + +I continued by a reference to the advantages which we enjoyed over our +fathers and grandfathers in the multiplicity of cheap books. "Those +wonderful sevenpennies!" I said. + +He agreed. He had often spent ten minutes at a junction in looking at +them. + +"And the shilling books," I said. "The more serious ones--'Everyman's +Library,' and all that sort of thing. Most remarkable!" + +He had noticed those too, but still he offered no views of his own. + +I saw that he was one of the uncommunicative kind. Information must be +drawn forcibly from him. + +"And the two-shilling novels," I said--"they're wonderful too." + +I But his eyes did not light; his I purple mask kept its secrets. + +"The two-shilling ones," I repeated, with emphasis on the price. Hang +it, how slow he was. + +Still he said nothing. + +"So much better than the old yellowbacks at that figure," I said. + +He was, if anything, more silent. + +Clearly I must plunge. "Who is your favourite writer?" I demanded, +point-blank. + +"I haven't got such a thing," he said. + +Here's a strange thing, I thought. I suppose he's one of those +mechanical readers who go through a book as a kind of dutiful pastime +and never even notice the author's name. + +"But you read a lot?" I suggested. + +"Me? Good gracious, no," he said. "I don't read a book from one year's +end to the other. Papers--oh, yes; but not books." + +I was staggered. + +"But I thought," I said, "that I heard you say a little while ago that +you never bought fewer than three two-shilling books a week, and +sometimes more?" + +His purple took on a darker richer shade, which I subsequently +discovered indicated the approach of mirth. He began to make strange +noises, which in time I found meant laughter. + +For a while he gave himself up to chromatic rumblings. At last, able to +speak, he replied to me. "So I did say," he said; "so I did say I bought +three two-shilling books a week. But not books to read"--here he became +momentarily inarticulate again--"not books to read, but those little +two-shilling books of stamps in red covers that you get at the +post-office. I don't know where I should be without them." + +Shade of CARNEGIE! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Injured Party (who has just been turned out of a +public-house, explaining his little grievance_). "NOW, WHAT D'YOU SHAY, +CONSHABLE? D'YOU THINK I'M INTOXICATED?" + +_Constable._ "YES, I SHOULD CERTAINLY SAY YOU WERE." + +_Injured Party._ "WELL, I'M QUITE WILLING TO BE _ANALYSED_."] + + * * * * * + +Musical Criticism. + + "Sir John French had stultified himself singing the order."--_Irish + Independent._ + +Personally we sing it over to ourselves in the bath every morning--all +except the last two paragraphs. + + * * * * * + +Messrs. BELL quote the following appreciative notice of one of their +spelling books:-- + + "The spelling exercises, largely alliterative--e.g., 'A Beach-tree, + a sandy beach'--are quite attractive, and once in the mind remain + there."--_School Guardian._ + +This attractive way of spelling "beech-tree" will not, we hope, remain +indefinitely in the minds of our readers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Clubman._ "WELL, HOW ARE YOU?" + +_Second Clubman._ "ER--SO-SO, PERHAPS. LAST WEEK I THOUGHT I WAS IN FOR +RHEUMATIC FEVER, BUT JUST MANAGED TO STAVE IT OFF, AND TO-DAY A TWINGE +IN MY LEFT SHOULDER SUGGESTS--WELL, IT MAY BE NEURITIS OR----" + +_First Clubman._ "MY DEAR CHAP, I DIDN'T MEAN IT _LITERALLY_."] + + * * * * * + +LIBERALS DAY BY DAY. + +_March 23._--During the course of a heated debate Mr. Joshua Dredgwood, +M.P., said that, in spite of the Parliament Act, the House of Lords +still dominated the situation. If there was a General Election next week +it would be fought on a cry of the Proletariat against the Peers. The +entire Liberal Party rose to its feet and cheered the speaker for seven +minutes, waving hats, order papers and pocket-handkerchiefs. + +_March 24._--Answering a question put by Mr. Connor Shaw, the PREMIER +stated that he had decided to retire from the House of Commons and lead +the Party from the House of Lords. The entire Liberal Party was +convulsed with irrepressible enthusiasm and cheered the PREMIER'S +announcement for nine minutes, many Members removing their collars and +ties and waving them in delirious excitement. + +_March 25._--A reference to the Welsh Church Bill by a member of the +Opposition elicited an epoch-making remark from Mr. Haydn Tooth, M.P. He +said that the English Church blocked every measure of social reform so +effectually that unless it was immediately disestablished and every +archbishop and bishop deported to the Antarctic regions civil war would +break out in a week. All records were broken by the Liberal Party, who +rose as one man and cheered Mr. Tooth's declaration for ten minutes, +many Members standing on their heads and waving their legs with +epileptic fervour. + +_March 26._--Immediately after Question time the PRIME MINISTER asked to +be allowed to make a brief statement. Amid profound silence he stated +that he had decided, with the cordial approval of his colleagues, to +create a new Ministry of Public Worship, to be held by the Archbishop of +CANTERBURY, and that he would himself assume the archbishopric on the +following day. The frenzied delight of the entire Liberal Party on +hearing this momentous announcement beggars description. The cheering +lasted fifteen minutes, and when the vocal chords of the Members were +exhausted by the strain they rolled about on the floor of the House for +nearly half-an-hour. + +_March 27._--A tremendous impression was created by Mr. James Board, the +Labour Member, during the discussion of the Plumage Bill. After +observing that fine feathers might make fine birds he went on to say +that lawn sleeves were no palliation of the assumption of dictatorial +and autocratic powers. The entire Liberal Party cheered the statement +for twenty minutes, and then continued the demonstration with +mouth-organs and megaphones for close upon an hour and a-half. + +_March 30._--The PREMIER, bidding farewell to the House of Commons, +announced that he had with infinite regret accepted his own resignation +of the Archbishopric of Canterbury, and would in future be known as +Super-Archimandrite of the Isle of Man. The entire Liberal Party were +still cheering the announcement when we went to press. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, for country house, a good ODD MAN, more outside than + inside." + + _Advt. in "Guardian"._ + +The oddness of one's outside is, of course, more apparent. + + * * * * * + +ORANGES AND LEMONS. + +V.--THE GAMESTERS. + +"It's about time," said Simpson one evening, "that we went to the tables +and--er----" (he adjusted his spectacles)--"had a little flutter." + +We all looked at him in silent admiration. + +"Oh, Samuel," sighed Myra, "and I promised your aunt that you shouldn't +gamble while you were away." + +"But, my dear Myra, it's the first thing the fellows at the club ask you +when you've been to the Riviera--if you've had any luck." + +"Well, you've had a lot of luck," said Archie. "Several times when +you've been standing on the heights and calling attention to the +beautiful view below I've said to myself, 'One push, and he's a deader,' +but something, some mysterious agency within, has kept me back." + +"All the fellows at the club----" + +Simpson is popularly supposed to belong to a Fleet Street Toilet and +Hairdressing Club, where for three guineas a year he gets shaved every +day, and his hair cut whenever Myra insists. On the many occasions when +he authorises a startling story of some well-known statesman with the +words: "My dear old chap, I know it for a fact. I heard it at the club +to-day from a friend of his," then we know that once again the barber's +assistant has been gossiping over the lather. + +"Do think, Samuel," I interrupted, "how much more splendid if you could +be the only man who had seen Monte Carlo without going inside the rooms. +And then when the hairdress--when your friends at the club ask if you've +had any luck at the tables you just say coldly, 'What tables?'" + +"Preferably in Latin," said Archie. "_Quae mensae?_" + +But it was obviously no good arguing with him. Besides, we were all keen +enough to go. + +"We needn't lose," said Myra. "We might win." + +"Good idea," said Thomas. He lit his pipe and added, "Simpson was +telling me about his system last night. At least, he was just beginning +when I went to sleep." He applied another match to his pipe and went on, +as if the idea had suddenly struck him, "Perhaps it was only his +internal system he meant. I didn't wait." + +"Samuel, you _are_ quite well inside, aren't you?" + +"Quite, Myra. But I _have_ invented a sort of system for _roulette_, +which we might----" + +"There's only one system which is any good," pronounced Archie. "It's +the system by which, when you've lost all your own money, you turn to +the man next to you and say, 'Lend me a louis, dear old chap, till +Christmas; I've forgotten my purse.'" + +"No systems," said Dahlia. "Let's make a collection and put it all on +one number and hope it will win." + +Dahlia had obviously been reading novels about people who break the +bank. + +"It's as good a way of losing as any other," said Archie. "Let's do it +for our first gamble, anyway. Simpson, as our host, shall put the money +on. I, as his oldest friend, shall watch him to see that he does it. +What's the number to be?" + +We all thought hard for several moments. + +"Samuel, what's your age?" asked Myra at last. + +"Right off the board," said Thomas. + +"You're not really more than thirty-six?" Myra whispered to him. "Tell +me as a secret." + +"Peter's nearly two," said Dahlia. + +"Do you think you could nearly put our money on 'two'?" asked Archie. + +"I once made seventeen," I said. "On that never-to-be-forgotten day when +I went in first with Archie----" + +"That settles it. Here's to the highest score of The Rabbits' +wicket-keeper. To-morrow afternoon we put our money on seventeen. +Simpson, you have between now and 3.30 to-morrow to perfect your French +delivery of the magic word _dix-sept_." + +I went to bed a proud but anxious man that night. It was _my_ famous +score which had decided the figure that was to bring us fortune ... and +yet ... and yet ... + +Suppose eighteen turned up? The remorse, the bitterness! "If only," I +should tell myself--"if only we had run three instead of two for that +cut to square-leg!" Suppose it were sixteen! "Why, oh why," I should +groan, "did I make the scorer put that bye down as a hit?" Suppose it +wore thirty-four! But there my responsibility ended ... If it were going +to be thirty-four, they should have used one of Archie's scores, and +made a good job of it. + +At 3.30 next day we were in the fatal building. I should like to pause +here and describe my costume to you, which was a quiet grey in the best +of taste, but Myra says that if I do this I must describe hers too, a +feat beyond me. Sufficient that she looked dazzling, that as a party we +were remarkably well-dressed, and that Simpson--murmuring "_dix-sept_" +to himself at intervals--led the way through the rooms till he found a +table to his liking. + +"Aren't you excited?" whispered Myra to me. + +"Frightfully," I said, and left my mouth well open. + +I don't quite know what picture of the event Myra and I had conjured up +in our minds, but I fancy it was one something like this. At the +entrance into the rooms of such a large and obviously distinguished +party there would be a slight sensation among the crowd, and way would +be made for us at the most important table. It would then leak out that +Chevalier Simpson--the tall poetical-looking gentleman in the middle, my +dear--had brought with him no less a sum than thirty francs with which +to break the bank, and that he proposed to do this in one daring _coup_. +At this news the players at the other tables would hastily leave their +winnings (or losings) and crowd round us. Chevalier Simpson, pale but +controlled, would then place his money on seventeen--"_dix-sept_," he +would say to the croupier to make it quite clear--and the ball would be +spun. As it slowed down the tension in the crowd would increase. "_Mon +Dieu_!" a woman would cry in a shrill voice; there, would be guttural +exclamations from Germans; at the edge of the crowd strong men would +swoon. At last a sudden shriek ... and the croupier's voice, trembling +for the first time for thirty years, "_Dix-sept!_" Then gold and notes +would be pushed at the Chevalier. He would stuff his pockets with them; +he would fill his hat with them; we others, we would stuff our pockets +too. The bank would send out for more money. There would be loud cheers +from all the company (with the exception of one man, who had put five +francs on sixteen and had shot himself) and we should be carried--that +is to say, we four men--shoulder high to the door, while by the deserted +table Myra and Dahlia clung to each other weeping tears of happiness ... + +Something like that. + +What happened was different. As far as I could follow, it was this. Over +the heads of an enormous, badly-dressed and utterly indifferent crowd +Simpson handed his thirty francs to the croupier. + +"_Dix-sept_," he said. + +The croupier with his rake pushed the money on to seventeen. + +Another croupier with his rake pulled it off again ... and stuck to it. + +The day's fun was over. + + * * * * * + +"What _did_ win?" asked Myra some minutes later, when the fact that we +should never see our money again had been brought home to her. + +"Zero," said Archie. + +I sighed heavily. + +"My usual score," I said, "not my highest." + + A. A. M. + + * * * * * + +THE SUPER-STORES. + +(_At a well-known Universal Emporium several Champions have been engaged +to demonstrate the art of golf in the Games Department._) + +[Illustration: SIR GREGORY PILLKINGTON M.D., F.R.C.P., ETC., ETC., WILL +BE IN ATTENDANCE IN THE DRUG DEPARTMENT, WHERE ALL CUSTOMERS MAY EXHIBIT +THEIR TONGUES FREE OF CHARGE.] + +[Illustration: IN THE ART DEPARTMENT, SIR WILLIAM DAUBER, R.A., WILL +GIVE A DEMONSTRATION ON THE LAYING ON OF COLOUR TO EVERY PURCHASER OF A +SIXPENNY BOX OF PAINTS.] + +[Illustration: A SPECIAL LINE OP DANCING PUMPS IN THE BOOT DEPARTMENT. +_Shopman._ "I THINK YOU'LL FIND THEM FIT, SIR, WHEN THE FOOT HAS WORKED +DOWN INTO THEM. WILL YOU TRY A TURN, SIR? MADAME PAVLOVINA, FORWARD, +PLEASE!"] + +[Illustration: A SPECIAL FEATURE OF THE GENT'S READY-TO-WEAR CLOTHING +DEPARTMENT WILL BE THE ATTENDANCE, DAILY, OF A SUPER-"NUT" (FROM THE +GAIETY OR DALY'S), WHO WILL GIVE FREE ADVICE TO EACH PURCHASER OF EASTER +OUTFITS.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Golfer (who has just been run over_). "GEE! WHAT LUCK! +THAT WAS A NEAR THING. THEY MIGHT HAVE BROKEN MY PET CLEEK."] + + * * * * * + +BALLAD OF THE WATCHFUL EYE. + + ["In this crisis the best we can do is to keep our eye on Mr. + Asquith."--"_The Daily Chronicle's" report of Lord SAYE AND SELE at + Worthing._] + + O keep your eye on DAVID, + The demigod of Wales, + Before whose furious onset + Dukes turn their timid tails; + Whom Merioneth mystics + Praise in delirious distichs, + And matched with whose statistics + MUNCHAUSEN'S glory pales. + + O keep your eye on WINSTON, + And mind you keep it tight, + For nearly every Saturday + You'll find he takes to flight; + Now eloquent and thrilling, + Now simply cheap and filling, + And now bent on distilling + The purest Party spite. + + O keep your eye on HALDANE, + Ex-Minister of War, + The sleek and supple-minded + And suave Lord Chancellor, + Whose brain, so keen and subtle, + Moves swifter than a shuttle, + Obscuring, like the cuttle, + Things that were plain before. + + O keep your eye on MORLEY + (Well-known as "Honest John"), + The peccant paragrapher + Who still is holding on; + But, though his strange position + Excited some suspicion, + We've CURZON'S frank admission + Of joy he hasn't gone. + + O keep your eye on LULU + Who Greater Britain sways + From distant Woolloomooloo + To Nova Scotia's bays; + Whose sumptuous urbanity, + Combined with well-groomed sanity + And freedom from profanity, + Stirs DAVID'S deep amaze. + + O keep your eye on BIRRELL, + So wholly free from guile, + Conspicuous by his absence + From Erin's peaceful isle; + Who wakes from floor to rafter + The House to heedless laughter, + Careless of what comes after + Can he but raise a smile. + + O keep your eye on MASTERMAN, + Dear DAVID'S henchman leal, + Whose piety and "uplift" + Make ribald Tories squeal; + In every public function + Displaying the conjunction + Of perfect moral unction + With perfect Party zeal. + + Last, keep your eye on ASQUITH, + And he will bring you through, + No matter what his colleagues + May say or think or do; + For in the dirtiest weather + He moulted not a feather, + And safely kept together + His variegated crow. + + * * * * * + +The Siamese Twin. + + "DERBYSHIRE.--To sell, handsome well-built and superbly finished + semi-detached Mouse, containing two entertaining, six bed rooms, + dressing-room, and excellent bathroom."--_Advt. in "Manchester + Guardian"._ + +We had no idea a mouse had so much accommodation. + + * * * * * + + "It was our intention before now to say a kindly word for 'The New + Weekly.' We trust we are not too late yet." + + _Westminster Gazette._ + +No. The paper after three weeks or so is still alive. But our green +contemporary should have had more confidence in it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN ASQUITH TO THE RESCUE! + +WAR MINISTER (_to PREMIER_). "HOLD TIGHT! I'LL SEE YOU THROUGH."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW "DEMOCRATISED" ARMY. + +Certain officers having been guilty of the heinous offence of choosing +one of two alternatives offered them by their superiors, it is now +proposed to remodel our military system on democratic lines so as to +leave no room for suspicion of political bias. + +[Major RAMSAY MACDONALD, Field-Marshal the Baron BYLES OF BRADFORD, +Lieut.-Col. Sir J. BRUNNER, Capt. JOHN WARD and Col. KEIR HARDIE.]] + + * * * * * + +_House of Commons, Monday, March 30._--Stirring quarter of an hour. For +dramatic surprise Drury Lane or Sadlers Wells in palmiest days not in it +with T. R. Westminster. Doors open as usual at 2.45. In a few minutes +there was standing room only. Appointed business of sitting Third +Reading of Consolidated Fund Bill. Peculiarity of this measure is that +through successive stages, each occupying a full sitting, no one even +distantly alludes to its existence or provisions. Any other subject +under the sun may, and is, talked around at length. To-day expected +that opportunity would be seized by Opposition to make fresh attack on +Government in respect of the Curragh affair and all it led to. Hence the +crowded benches and prevalent expectation of a scrimmage. + +A cloud of questions addressed to PRIME MINISTER answered with that +directness and brevity that mark his share in the conversation. +Questions on Paper disposed of, LEADER OF OPPOSITION asked whether Sir +JOHN FRENCH and Sir SPENCER EWART had withdrawn their resignation? +Answering in the negative, the PREMIER paid high tribute to the ability, +loyalty and devotion to duty with which the gallant officers have served +the Army and the State. He added, what was regarded as foregone +conclusion, that SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR had thought it right to +press his proffered resignation. + +Here it seemed was end of statement. Members expected to see PREMIER +resume his seat. He continued in the same level businesslike tone:-- + +"In the circumstances, after much consideration, with not a little +reluctance, I have felt it my duty, for the time at any rate, to assume +the office of Secretary of State for War." + +There followed a moment of silence. Effect of announcement, unexpected, +momentous, was stupefying. Then a cheer, strident, almost savage in its +passion, burst from serried ranks of Ministerialists. One leaped up and +waved a copy of Orders of the Day. In an instant all were on their feet +wildly cheering. + +Meanwhile the PREMIER, apparently impassive, stood silent at the Table. +When storm exhausted itself he quietly added that in accordance with law +he would forthwith retire from the House "until, if it pleases them, my +constituents sanction my return." + +Demonstration of personal esteem and political approval repeated when, a +few moments later, he walked out behind SPEAKER'S Chair. Again the +Liberals, now joined by Irish Nationalists, uprose, madly cheering. + +Following upon this unprecedented scene, SEELY'S personal statement +inevitably partook of character of anticlimax. Entering while Questions +were going forward, he passed the Treasury bench, where he had no longer +right to sit, and turned up the Gangway, to find every seat occupied. He +stood for a moment irresolute. CUTHBERT WASON, who has permanently +appropriated third corner seat above Gangway (and portion of one +adjoining), courteously made room for the ex-Minister. + +SEELY'S brief statement, dignified in its simplicity, unexceptional in +its good taste, listened to by both sides with evident sympathy. During +two years' administration of War Office affairs, he has by +straightforwardness, urbanity, and display of perfect command of his +subject, increased the personal popularity enjoyed whilst he was yet a +private Member. + +_Business done._--Resignation by Colonel SEELY of War Office portfolio +announced. PRIME MINISTER takes it in personal charge. + +_House of Lords, Tuesday._--During last two days noble Lords been +delighted with little by-play provided by Lord CURZON. Yesterday, he by +severe cross-examination extracted from Lord MORLEY admission of +personal knowledge of what are known as the peccant paragraphs in +document handed on behalf of War Office to General GOUGH. + +What troubled CURZON was apprehension that such admission must +necessarily be followed by resignation. Regretted this for dual reason. +First, House would be deprived of presence of esteemed Viscount on +Ministerial bench. Secondly, and to the generous mind this consideration +even more poignant, the secession of a Minister so highly prized would +in present circumstances strike heavy blow at Government. Might even +lead to break up of Ministry, dissolution of Parliament, destruction of +Home Rule and Welsh Church Bills. + +Under cross-examination MORLEY, whilst making clean breast of his share +in incident that led to resignation of WAR MINISTER, said never a word +about possibility, or otherwise, of his own retirement. CURZON'S +generous alarm deepened. Better know the worst if it were lurking in the +background. + +"How comes it," he asked, "if the Government felt compelled to withdraw +these paragraphs, and if the SECRETARY FOR WAR resigned, that we still +have the good fortune to see the noble Viscount in charge of the +Government bench?" + +"The latter point," said MORLEY, "will be answered more or less +satisfactorily to-morrow." + +CURZON went home in state of profound depression. MORLEY, regardless of +the comfort, even the safety, of his colleagues in the Cabinet, +evidently meant resignation. Came down to-day, his ingenuous countenance +exhibiting signs of passage through an unrestful night. + +"But," as he quaintly remarked to commiserating friend, "better have the +tooth out at once." + +Up again at first opportunity. Still harping on the Viscount. + +"It is rather difficult to see," he remarked, "why, the SECRETARY FOR +WAR having handed in his first resignation, we should still have been +favoured with the continuance in office of the noble Viscount.... The +upshot of the incident is that Colonel SEELY has gone, while I hope the +noble Viscount is going to remain." + +Appeal irresistible. In response MORLEY explained that had SEELY +persisted in his first resignation his would have followed. When it came +to SEELY'S second resignation he felt bound to remain. + +Distinction subtle. Possibly it was effect of wrestling with it that +made CURZON look less joyous than might have been expected, seeing he +had realised his disinterested hope, and a second, even more damaging, +secession from a stricken Cabinet had been averted. + +[Illustration: Lord CURZON (_to Lord MORLEY_). "Must you go? Can't you +stay?"] + +_Business done._--In the Commons debate on Second Reading of Home Rule +Bill resumed. Atmosphere significantly less stormy than heretofore. + +_House of Commons, Thursday._--The MEMBER FOR SARK, in pursuance of his +favourite axiom that there is nothing new under the sun, calls attention +to two conversations in which he discovers singularly close parallel in +tone and temper. The first will be found in official report of +Parliamentary debate. It took place between LEADER OF OPPOSITION and +FIRST LORD OF ADMIRALTY, the former insistent upon House being made +acquainted with Sir ARTHUR PAGET'S report of what happened when he +addressed officers under his command at Curragh on possibility of their +being ordered to Ulster. + +Here follows excerpt from official report:-- + +"_Mr. CHURCHILL._ The statement just made I make after having had an +opportunity of communicating with Sir Arthur Paget. It is admitted that +a misunderstanding on the point arose. + +_Mr. BONAR LAW._ Rubbish. + +_Mr. CHURCHILL._ Do I understand the right hon. gentleman to say +'rubbish'? + +_Mr. BONAR LAW._ Yes." + +The parallel that pleases SARK will be found in report of a conversation +between _Mrs. Gamp_ and _Mrs. Betsey Prig_ at what should have been a +friendly tea-table in the home of the former. This was the historic +occasion when _Mrs. Prig_ declared her rooted belief in the +non-existence of _Mrs. Gamp's_ friend _Mrs. Harris_. For purpose of +comparison it may be convenient to put what followed in the same form as +official Parliamentary report:-- + +_Mrs. Gamp._ What! you bago creetur, have I know'd Mrs. Harris +five-and-thirty year, to be told at last that there ain't no sech a +person livin'! Go along with you! + +_Mrs. Prig._ I'm agoin', Ma'am, aint I? + +_Mrs. Gamp._ You had better, Ma'am! + +_Mrs. Prig._ Do you know who you're talking to, Ma'am? + +_Mrs. Gamp._ Aperiently to Betsey Prig. + +_Business done._--Third night's debate on Second Reading of Home Rule +Bill. Intended to divide. On urgent demand of Opposition division +deferred till Monday. + + * * * * * + + "Then came the resignation of Mr. Asquith, which left the Ministry + (temporarily) without its head. Hence another vacant seal in the + Government Front Bench."--_Globe._ + +To prevent self-consciousness among the Cabinet, the name of the +Minister who looks like a vacant seal should be given. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Bodkin, opening the case, described Hemmerde for the defence." + + _North Eastern Daily Gazette._ + +It is generally towards the end of a case that one wants to describe the +opposing counsel in detail. + + * * * * * + +PROOF + +ADDRESSED TO A LADY WHO HAS ASKED FOR IT. + + Of old, when in the dance's-whirl + Or crouched behind a friendly screen + I fell in love with any girl + (You know the kind of love I mean), + I gave the credit to champagne-- + And breathed again. + + When first we met, a more intense + Emotion stirred me, I admit, + But having dined at great expense + I didn't like to mention it, + For tribute seemed to Bacchus due + As much as you. + + But love that made a parish hop + A sacred feast for both of us + Burst into flame without a drop + Of alcoholic stimulus; + And love that thrives on lemonade + Can never fade. + + * * * * * + +REVERSIBLE RHETORIC. + +(_Being the unsigned MS., evidently of a leading article, picked up in +Fleet Street last week. What the finder wants to know is--which side is +it arguing for?_) + +THE PLOT THAT FAILED. + +Out of the welter of mendacity, evasions and intrigue, for a parallel to +which the records of this or indeed of any civilised country might be +searched in vain, one fact has at last emerged clear and indisputable. +The nation will learn this morning, with what feelings it is only too +easy to conjecture, that a great party, a party which, despite its many +political blunders, has at least a record for honourable if mistaken +statesmanship in the past, has now stooped to the final and abysmal +folly. Disguise the fact with what specious rhetoric they may, the truth +remains that our opponents have deliberately endeavoured to tamper with +a great national possession, and to make the British Army a tool in the +game of party. + +Incredible, nay unthinkable, as such a situation would have been till +lately, who is now to deny it? If any doubt still remained, surely the +venomous outpourings of those journals which support and encourage the +machinations of "honourable gentlemen"--alas that the phrase should +henceforth have to be in quotation marks!--on the opposite side of the +House must by now have dispelled it. Beaten to their last ditch, and +discredited even in that, it is now evident that the conspirators had +determined to stake all upon one final throw. Fortunately the very +desperateness of the plot has proved its undoing, and from the tremulous +lips of the perpetrators themselves comes to-day a froth of vituperation +and rancorous abuse that is the surest confession of abject failure. + +Happily, however, there is a brighter side to the picture; signs are not +wanting--and each hour, we are sure, will strengthen them--that moderate +men in the ranks of our opponents are beginning to share our own +indignation and dismay. Let but this spirit find its outlet and victory +is ours. We say it in no petty strain of party triumph, but the day of +reckoning can obviously no longer be delayed. A gang of wholly reckless +and unscrupulous political adventurers have sown the dragon's teeth in +the wind; let the whole nation see to it that they are now forced to +reap armed men in the whirlwind! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN ECHO OF SHOW SUNDAY. + +(_Proving that a humorist is never allowed to be serious._) + +_Visitor (after studying well-known humorous artist's classical Academy +picture)._ "DELIGHTFULLY COMIC. TELL ME, WHAT IS THE JOKE TO THIS ONE?"] + + * * * * * + + "Many a man whose courage would not respond to the spur of some + huge burglar would die rather than be beaten by a wretched little + collar stud."--_Times._ + +The only burglar we have ever met was (luckily) in the Infantry. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"THINGS WE'D LIKE TO KNOW." + +Almost the last thing that you expect in a starting-price bookie is a +strong penchant for poetry. It is true that I have before me, as I +write, a Turf Commissioner's telegraphic code which contains some rather +picturesque symbols. Thus "amber" is the codeword for L1; "heliotrope" +for L20; "rainbow" for "win and 1, 2." Still I do not think it probable +that if the author of this code should go bankrupt as a bookie--and this +he is never likely to do as far as I am concerned--he would be able to +retrieve his fortunes by taking up the profession of a publisher of +poetical works. Yet this is just what happened, in Mr. MONCKTON HOFFE'S +play, with the firm of _Wilberforce Brothers_, Turf Commissioners. In +the first Act we find them in such straits that they can barely scrape +together enough petty cash to satisfy the demands of a Water-Rate +Collector, insistent on the door-step. In the next Act, a year later, +they are all flourishing like green bay-trees as a firm of Poetry +Commissioners trading under the name of _The Lotus Publishing Company_. +This amazing result they have achieved by foisting on the office +typewriter--_tres gamine_--the poetical output of one of their own +number, and exploiting her as a prodigy under the auspices of a patron +of the arts--one _Lord Glandeville_. How this Maecenas, this connoisseur +in taste, was ever imposed upon by the masquerading of such incredible +types, and how they could have amassed all that wealth by the +publication of serious poetry, the most notorious of drugs on the +market--these are among the "things" that we should all "like to know" +in case our own professions should fail us. + +What worried me most was that Mr. HOFFE should have so poor an idea of +my intelligence as to suppose it possible to impart an atmosphere of +probability to a scheme that was pure farce. Yet that was what he tried +to do; he wanted me to believe that I was assisting at a comedy. There +was no knockabout business; nobody entered the room with a somersault, +tripped over a pin or hung his hat on the scenery. They all behaved as +if they were presenting us with what is known as a human document, to be +regarded _au grand_ (or, at worst, _au petit_) _serieux_. The fun--and +there were some very pleasant touches--was not so much the fun of a huge +and preposterous joke, but rather the humour of character or incidental +detail. The part of _Lord Glandeville_, who might have been made the +most ridiculous butt of imposture, was treated quite solemnly. Indeed, +our sympathies were provoked for a man whose finest instincts had been +trifled with; who had been suffered to fall in love with the poet-soul +of a girl only to find that she was the tool of a gang of rogues. One of +them, _Dick Gilder_, might tell him that he (_Glandeville_) was an +egoist and that he ought to have fallen in love with the girl's body, as +he (_Gilder_) had done, instead of her supposed soul; but that did not +help matters much, or prevent our feeling that this treatment of +_Glandeville_ was no matter for laughter. And when I go and see a +production of Mr. HAWTREY'S I want matter for laughter and nothing else. + +The best individual performances were those of Mr. LYSTON LYLE--really +excellent as a soldier of fortune--and Miss HELEN HAYE as _Lord +Glandeville's_ aunt who lays herself out to defeat the matrimonial +designs of the prodigy. Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY was not perhaps at his very +best as _Dick Gilder._ He wore an air of detachment and indulged his old +habit of looking over the heads of his stage-audience. He had too many +set speeches and was not always quite sure what word came next. Still +his mere presence is always irresistible. + +As _Lord Glandeville_, Mr. VANE TEMPEST, most admirable of buffoons, +must have longed to be allowed to make us laugh, but solemnity was his +order of the day and he carried it out like a hero. As for Mr. WENMAN, +who played the partner that introduced _Lord Glandeville_ to the rest of +the "Lotus Publishing Company" (though how that refined nobleman ever +made the acquaintance of such a rough diamond is another of the "things +we'd like to know"), his face is a gift and he used its mobility to good +purpose. + +Finally, Miss DOROTHY MINTO, as _Dorothy Gedge_, typewriter (with the +_nom de guerre_ of _Gedage_), was a little angular, and the motive of +her spasmodic excursions across the stage was not always apparent. But +she was extremely funny in her inimitable way when she had a chance of +exhibiting the unreasonableness of her selection as a mouthpiece of the +Muses. At the end, when she wonders if she could have been happy with +_Glandeville_ and knows that she would be happy with _Gilder_, she +showed an extremely pretty vein of sentiment. And here, too, I must +heartily compliment the author on a scene which threatened to be +commonplace and tedious, but was handled with a most engaging freshness +and a very unusual sense of what was just right and enough. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: POETRY COMMISSION-AGENTS FINDING A BACKER. + + _Lord Giandeville_ Mr. VANE-TEMPEST. + _Brabazon Todd_ Mr. HENRY WENMAN. + _Richard Gilder_ Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY.] + + * * * * * + +_ARGUMENTUM AD FEMINAM._ + + Once, unless the tale's a myth, + Chloe danced mid rustic song + Indefatigably with + Amorous Damon all day long. + This was all the joy she knew + (Quite enough, no doubt), and yet, + Phyllis, when _you_ gambol, _you_ + Rather gamble at roulette. + + Simple 'twas in suchlike days + Wooing Chloe. Now, alas, + _You_'ve no taste for simple ways, + Much prefer green baize to grass. + Fled your interest in swains; + Nothing for my sighs you care; + All your joy is little trains, + Oddly dubbed "chemin de fer." + + Phyllis, if your fixed intent + Is that you forsake the dance, + Quit Arcadian merriment + For exciting games of chance, + I've the best of 'em by heaps: + Come with me, my dear, and call + At the Registrar's; he keeps + One big gamble worth them all. + + * * * * * + +CON. + + Con was the conjurer of the king + Ere the coming of Padraig Mor, + And a wand he had, and a golden ring, + And a five-prong crown he wore; + And his robe was trimmed with minever-- + His robe of the royal blue, + For Con was the wonderful conjuror + In the days when the tricks were new. + + He could pick a rabbit from out of a poke + Where never had rabbit lain; + He could pulp your watch like an egg's red yoke + And could give it you whole again; + And the king he laughed, "Ha-ha," he laughed, + Till they thumped on his back anon; + And the other magicians went dancing daft + To see the magic of Con. + + Now Con he climbed on a moonbeam grey + To the dusk of the god's great shop, + And he stole the Elixir of Life away, + And he drank it, every drop; + He poured the draught in a golden cup + On a wonderful day that's gone, + And he swilled it round and he tossed it up, + And that was the curse of Con. + + And the old king died at ninety-six + And his son he reigned instead; + But Con he conjured the same old tricks, + And his hair crow-black on his head; + And the new king died, and another king, + And another king after he, + But Con went on with his conjuring + The same as it used to be. + + When the fifth king came (he was long of limb + And a hasty man) he swore, + When Con he conjured his tricks for him, + And he kicked Con through the door; + For that's in the songs the minstrels sung, + And thus is the story told, + For "Con," said the king, "you're none so young, + And your tricks are plaguey old!" + + * * * + + Now Con he tramps from shire to shire, + And he must till the crack of doom; + He takes the road in the dust and mire, + And he sleeps in the windy broom; + He's no address and he's no abode, + And his jacket's the worse o' wear; + And I've met him once on the Portsmouth Road, + And once at a Wicklow fair. + + When the roundabouts and the swings are slow + And a conjuring chap draws near, + And there's nothing about his mug to show + That it's seen five thousand year + (For that's the way that the songs were sung, + And thus is the story told), + You'll know it's Con and he's none so young + For his tricks are plaguey old. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Retired M.F.H._ "AND WHEN WE CAME TO THE SEVENTEENTH, +JUST AS I WAS GOING TO DRIVE, WHAT SHOULD I SEE BUT AN OLD DOG FOX +STARING AT ME OUT OF THE HEDGE!" + +_Sympathetic Friend._ "YE-E-E-S?" + +_Retired M.F.H._ "NOW, DON'T YOU THINK THAT WAS A MOST REMARKABLE +THING?" + +_Sympathetic Friend._ "WELL, YES, I SUPPOSE IT WAS; BUT THEN, YOU SEE, I +DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GOLF."] + + * * * * * + +From a list of new books:-- + + "Woman and Crime (Adam)." + +Well, he ought to know. + + * * * * * + +From a pamphlet on "The 'King's Own' Mission":-- + + "MADAM ADA BACON, + Soloist for Easter Sunday Evening. + + Please send some eggs." + +The writer has been carried away by the association of ideas. The +singing will not really be so bad as that. + + * * * * * + +Two conflicting announcements from _The Observer_:-- + + "VILLA'S VICTORY. + FOUR DAYS OF FURIOUS FIGHTING." + + "HOW THE VILLA WERE BEATEN. + LIVERPOOL'S SUPERIOR PACE." + + * * * * * + +EXILE. + +"And how long," said the lady of the house from behind her rampart of +breakfast things, "shall you want to be away?" + +"Away?" I said. "Who said anything about being away?" + +"Well," she said, "if you want to go to all those annual dinners and +things you'll have to go to London, and if you go to London you'll have +to be away from here." + +"'Plato,'" I said, "'thou reasonest well.' Helen, pass me the butter." + +"Why deny it, then?" said Helen's mother. "If you're going to be away +you're going to be away, and there's an end of it." + +"You're wrong there," I said. "There isn't an end of it. I can go away +and come back on the same day. By the last train, you know. The last +train is intended for that very purpose." + +"What very purpose?" + +"For coming back by the last train. That's what it's there for. Fathers +of families who come back by it sleep in their own beds instead of +sleeping in strange beds in clubs or hotels. Let us sing the praises of +the last train. Rosie, push over the marmalade, and don't upset the +spoon on the table-cloth." + +It is not easy to converse with marmalade in one's mouth. I did not make +the attempt, so there was a short pause in the argument. It was resumed +by the lady of the house. + +"You'll lose a lot of sleep, you know," she said. "The last train +doesn't get you here till one o'clock in the morning." + +"No matter," I said, "I can bear it. The thought of meeting my family at +breakfast will sustain me." + +"But you never do meet us. After a last train night you 're always +half-an-hour late, and by that time the girls are gone." + +"But you remain," I said. "To see you pouring out coffee is a liberal +education in patience." + +"But it's tepid coffee." + +"I like tepid coffee as a change." + +"And the eggs and bacon are cold." + +"Pooh!" I said. "There is always the toast." + +"And the toast is limp." + +"If," I said, "you are so sure of these discomforts why not order me a +fresh breakfast?" + +"And that," she said, "will make work for the servants." + +"Work," I said, "is for the workers. Besides the cook will like me to +show an independent spirit." + +"The nature of cooks," she said, "is not one of your strong points. No, +I am sure you will do better to stay in London." + +"But I can give up my dinners," I said. + +"And do you think I could ask you to make such a sacrifice? Old friends +whom you meet only once a year! Certainly you must go." + +"But----" + +"If you don't turn up they'll put it down to me, and that wouldn't be +fair." + +"I don't know," I said, "why you are so keen on my staying in London. +There's something behind this--something more than meets the eye." + +"Nonsense," she said, "it's only your comfort; but men never can be +reasonable." + +"Dad," said Helen to Rosie, "is going to have a holiday given him." + +"Yes," said Rosie; "but he doesn't seem to want it very much." + +"And it's not going to be a very long one," said Peggy, who generally +supports my side of the battle. + +"And we'll do his packing," said their mother; "won't we, girls?" + +"Hurrah!" said Peggy. + +"Peggy," I said, "I am sorry to cast a cold shower on your enthusiasm, +but there are limits. You and your mother are great and undeniable +packers, but your ways are not my ways." + +"Anyhow," said Helen, "we should do it better than Swabey." + +"No," I said, "you would do it worse. Swabey has his faults, but I know +them. He always forgets white ties and handkerchiefs, but these I can +buy, borrow or steal. You would forget white shirts and dress trousers, +which mean nothing to you, but are all the world to me. Swabey packs my +shaving-brush and my safety razor into my dress shoes, where I come upon +them eventually. You would leave them out altogether. I am grateful to +you all for your generous offer, but Swabey shall do my packing--that is +if I go." + +It is unnecessary to say that I went. The dinners were, as usual, a +great success. We all became young again in our own eyes, and on the +whole I was not sorry to have a bedroom in London. But why had it been +forced on me against my will? The reason will appear in a letter from +Peggy which I received on the second morning of my compulsory freedom;-- + +"DEAREST DAD,--We are geting on alright. The maids are now in the libary +and everything has been put somwere else. A lot of your papers got blown +about, but we ran after them and got most of them. Our meels are in your +den. Their going into the dining room direckly. The dust is dredfull and +the dogs don't like it. It is a spring cleening with love from your +loving + + PEGGY." + R. C. L. + + * * * * * + +LAID. + + He was no commonplace suburban spook + Content to rap on table-tops; he cherished + The memory of days when at his look + Princes and peers incontinently perished; + Stuck in his heart a jewelled knife dripped red; + Flames had been known to issue from his head. + + The Moated Grange, now ruinous and drear, + He roamed, constrained to bitter self-effacement, + Until one midnight his enraptured ear + Detected mortal accents in the basement. + Downstairs he crept; beside the cheerless grate + Sat four or five old men in keen debate. + + Softly he chuckled, "Here's a bit of luck!" + And beat a warning rattle on his tabor + That once had made the stoutest run amok; + Then each old boy sat up and nudged his neighbour; + Calm and collected round the chimney-piece + They showed no sign of imminent decease. + + In vain he practised all his horrid lore + And rolled his eyes and beckoned with distort hand; + In vain his dagger dripped with gouts of gore, + They only beamed and took a note in shorthand; + When in despair he loosed his flaming jet + One smiled and lit therefrom a cigarette. + + That was the end! With agonising shriek + He turned and fled, the spectral perspiration + Dewing his brow and coursing down his cheek; + Fled, and was lost to man's investigation + (For full discussion of his little tricks + See Psychical Research Reports, vol. vi.). + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Country Host._ "I HOPE THE OWLS DIDN'T DISTURB YOU LAST +NIGHT, LADY JENKINS?" + +_Wife of Local Mayor._ "LAW BLESS YOU, NO! I DIDN'T 'EAR ANYTHING. WHICH +DOG WAS IT?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerics._) + +Has Mr. W. J. LOCKE'S hand--the hand that created vagabond _Paragot_ for +tears and laughter, and the resourceful _Aristide_--has it lost its +particular cunning that he should begin his romance of _The Fortunate +Youth_ (LANE) in a mood of heavy and misplaced facetiousness, and drift +by way of Family Heraldry into an atmosphere of sham politics and a +bright general glow of ineffectual snobbery? _Paul Savelli_, the +fortunate youth, with his incredible beauty, his dreams, his +accomplishments beyond all discernible cause, his faintly Disraelian +airs, never once carried me out of my chair. And to what other end is +romance ordained? Nor did his Princess, with her mastery of the easier +French idioms; nor _Barney Bill_, the kind-hearted stage-tramp. Indeed, +I found Mr. LOCKE constantly making statements about his people that +were not substantiated, as about _Ursula Winwood_, the egregiously +competent, the _confidante_ of troubled ministers, bishops and generals. +_Jane_ alone, an early simple friend of _Paul_, I found credible and +charming, and thanked heaven for her sake that _Paul_ married his +Princess. It is indeed a romance gone wrong. Perhaps it is a more +difficult thing plausibly and readily to sustain one's fancy in a modern +setting, with modern folk, than in the fair realm of Tushery with +rapier-wielding demigods. Yet I think that the dead HARLAND and the +living HOPE (himself no mean Tusher) might have brought off their +_Paul_. As a matter of fact, so I believe could Mr. LOCKE; that is just +the pity of it. I merely record the fact that he has not done so. + + * * * * * + +There are, of course, short stories and short stories. On a perusal of +those that Mr. RICHARD DEHAN has collected in volume form under the +title of _The Cost of Wings_ (HEINEMANN), I am bound to record my +conviction that most of them are profoundly unworthy of the author of +_The Dop Doctor_. Few of them even aspire to anything beyond "first +serial" quality; and though there is often present a certain easy +flippancy of phrase it impressed me only as the crackling of thorns in a +pot-boiler. Perhaps the best is the first or title tale, which tells of +a young wife goaded to hard words by her constant anxiety for an +aviator-husband. There is some genuine feeling here; but the climax, in +which the pair decide only to fly in company, was dangerously like the +end of a stage duologue. Moreover, so swift now-a-days is the flight of +time--or the time of flight--that aviation stories very soon come to +sound antiquated. Still, after all, there is at least plenty of variety +in this volume, and it will be hard if, in a collection of twenty-six +brief tales, you do not come upon something to your individual taste. +But one word of gentle protest. I fancy the stage has at last agreed +upon a close time for supposed infants, against whose arrival from India +nurses and rocking-horses are engaged, and who turn out on appearance to +be young persons of mature years. Well, I am convinced that it is high +time for a similar prohibition in fiction. Mr. DEHAN at least has proved +himself far too clever for me to tolerate this threadbare theme, not +very illuminatingly treated, from his valuable pen. + + * * * * * + +_Mr. Anthony Venning_ was a young man of remarkable tact. Taking +advantage of his position as a consultant engineer, at the beginning of +_The Sentence Absolute_ (NISBET), he pocketed an advance commission for +recommending the tender of a certain firm of contractors to the Welsh +mill-owner who was employing his professional services. Whether this +practice is common amongst engineers, as the authoress would seem to +suggest, I cannot say, but at any rate it was hardly to be expected in +the circumstances that _Mr. Venning_ should not fall in love with _Mr. +Powell's_ extremely beautiful daughter, or that the boilers in _Mr. +Powell's_ mill should hesitate in the fulness of time to explode. But +the lover had the native good sense to be present at the moment of the +inevitable catastrophe and to be the only person seriously damaged; and +since it was his first real lapse from the paths of rectitude, and he +was otherwise amiable, athletic, presentable and brave, who shall +complain if, after confessing in a manly way and being put into a state +of thorough repair, he found happiness in the end? Miss MARGARET +MACAULAY tells her story in a pleasant enough way, and describes with +some skill its idyllic setting (for _Mr. Powell_ was first a country +squire, and only secondly a manufacturer); but since she neither +indulges in satire, social and economic speculation, nor any pretence of +subtlety in psychological probings, there is a curiously old-fashioned +air about her novel. And when I mention that _Mr. Venning_ and _Miss +Powell_ were actually cut off by the tide on a treacherous reef of the +Cambrian coast it will be realised that _The Sentence Absolute_ is a +book for one of those softer moods in which we do not desire to be +startled or stung to profound meditation on the meaning of life. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR CURIO CRANKS. + +THE MAN WHO TAKES EVERY OPPORTUNITY OF ADDING TO HIS GALLERY OF HATS OF +FAMOUS MEN.] + + * * * * * + +I hope that Mr. VAUGHAN KESTER, author of _John o' Jamestown_ (HODDER +AND STOUGHTON), is innocent of intent to do the dreadful thing that he +has done. With the book itself I have no fault to find; it is quite a +good historical novel, and tells with a fair amount of excitement the +story of _Captain John Smith_ and the early settlers in Virginia, not +omitting _Pocahontas_. Mr. KESTER'S crime consists not in his novel, but +in the fact that he has probably plunged America into all the horrors of +a new outbreak of historical fiction. A few years ago every adult in the +United States was writing historical novels. Those were the black days +at the beginning of this century, still spoken of with a shudder from +Maine to Tennessee. Gradually the horror spent itself; the country +became pacified. Except for an occasional sporadic outbreak, the plague +was stamped out. It got about that the historical novel was "a dead +one," and young America turned to something else. Now you begin to see +what Mr. KESTER has done. While Messrs. HODDER AND STOUGHTON are +publishing _John o' Jamestown_ over in England, another firm is flooding +the States with it. Mr. KESTER is a confirmed "best-seller" on the other +side of the Atlantic. Probably his American publishers have issued a +first edition of a hundred thousand of this story. The result may be +imagined. Wild-eyed literary agents will carry the fiery cross +throughout the country, crying that the historical novel is not dead +after all, that there is still money in it; and thousands of estimable +young men who might have been turning out quite decent stories of +American life will thrust paper into their typewriters and begin, "Of +the days when I followed my dear lord through many a hard-fought fray it +ill becomes me, plain rude man that I am, to speak...." And it will be +Mr. KESTER'S fault. It would not matter so much if the great army of +American writers could do the thing even half as well as he has done it +in _John o' Jamestown_; but they cannot. I know them, and that is why a +great trembling runs through me so that I can scarce hold my pen to +complete this review. + + * * * * * + +The name of Mr. GORDON GARDINER is unfamiliar to me; but I have little +doubt that if _The Reconnaissance_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL) is a first novel +its author will improve upon work that struck me as at present somewhat +ingenuously conventional. There are two parts to the tale; the first +shows how _Leslie_ earned popular applause and the V.C. by remaining +with a wounded comrade whom he was actually too frightened to leave. +That was a good beginning, and I said to myself that Mr. GARDINER was of +the right stuff; he had a vigorous, incisive style that suited well the +matter of pain and anguish that he had in hand. But, alas! in its hours +of case the story became much more uncertain. All the characters, +including the involuntary hero and the man he rescued (now a lord), turn +up at an hotel on the Lake of Como. There is some mild word-painting +that may remind you pleasantly of pleasant places; and a +disproportionate pother because in one of the sudden lake storms +_Leslie_ dashes for shelter into what he supposes to be his own bedroom +(actually the heroine's) and is imprisoned there by the sticking of a +shutter. An awkward incident, of course, especially as it occurred in +the dead of night, but scarcely enough to make half a novel out of. +Naturally, in the end _Leslie_ owns up about the heroism, and goes away +to justify his unearned credit upon the stricken field; but I am afraid +I must confess that the prospect of his return left me indifferent. I +understand that _The Reconnaissance_ originally appeared in _The Daily +Telegraph_; this being so, the persistence with which its characters +quote extracts from _The Times_ savours almost of filial ingratitude. +Seriously, the first part of the novel was a promise which the second +left unfulfilled. Mr. GARDINER is still in my debt. + + * * * * * + +TO THE CABINET. + +(_Suggested by a recent doctoring of "Hansard."_) + + The judgment of the People's "Yea" or "Nay" + Wherefore should virtuous men like _you_ shun? + You are--or so you confidently say-- + Prepared for dissolution. + + Then snatch a hint from HALDANE'S little fake, + Who glanced with eye alert and beady at + His speech in proof, and, for appearance' sake, + Added the word "_immediate_." + + * * * * * + + "The very clever may bethink themselves of Milton's 'subject of all + verse.'"--_Reynolds' Newspaper._ + +The mere well-informed will bethink themselves of BROWNE. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +146, April 8, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 23032.txt or 23032.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/3/0/3/23032/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Janet Blenkinship and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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