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diff --git a/23064.txt b/23064.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5c2cd14 --- /dev/null +++ b/23064.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1951 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, +June 7, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, June 7, 1916 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: October 17, 2007 [eBook #23064] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 150, JUNE 7, 1916*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, David King, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 23064-h.htm or 23064-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/0/6/23064/23064-h/23064-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/0/6/23064/23064-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 150 + +JUNE 7, 1916 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +A correspondent writes to tell us of a painful experience which he has +had in consequence of his efforts to practise war-time economy in the +matter of dress. The other evening, after going to bed at dusk in order +to save artificial light, he was rung up by the police at 1 A.M. and +charged with showing a light. It appears that he had gone to bed with +his blind up, after throwing his well-worn trousers over the back of a +chair, and that the rays of a street lamp had caught the glossy sheen of +this garment and been reflected into the eagle eye of the constable. + + *** + +According to a Reuter's message the Greeks are "much preoccupied" at the +seizure of strategic positions on Greek territory by Bulgarian troops. +The preoccupation, it is thought, should have been done by the Allies. + + *** + +While he was on his way to make a Memorial Day speech at Kansas City, +Mo., an open knife was thrown at Ex-President ROOSEVELT. Some of his +bitterest friends in the journalistic world allege that it was just a +paper knife. + + *** + +Last week a number of professional fortune-tellers were fined at +Southend for having predicted Zeppelins. The fraudulent nature of their +pretensions was sufficiently manifest, since even the authorities had +been unable to foresee the coming of the Zeppelins until some time after +they had arrived. + + *** + +The export of sardines in oil from Sweden is prohibited. Some resentment +is felt at the order by the Germans, who with their customary ingenuity +have for some time been importing india-rubber sardines in petrol +without detection. + + *** + +A soldier at Salonika has sent a live tortoise home to his relatives at +Streatham. The tortoise, it is understood, was too fidgety to bear up +against its surroundings and was sent home for a little excitement. + + *** + +If, on the other hand, the tortoise was just sent as a souvenir we +should discourage the practice. The tendency on the part of our soldiers +in India and Egypt to send home elephants and camels as mementos of the +localities in which they are serving is already putting something of a +strain upon the postal authorities. + + *** + +From "The World of Letters" in _The Observer_: "Some day there will be a +cheap edition of Captain Ian Hay's war book, _The First Four Hundred_, +and the sale will be immense.... The Blackwoods are old-fashioned modest +people, who do not parade figures...." In the present case, however, we +do not think they would have objected to the reviewer parading a further +99,600 in the title of IAN HAY'S book. + + *** + +"The question of alien waiters in London hotels rests with those who +patronise the hotels," says a contemporary. In other words, the +pernicious practice which had grown up before the War of ordering German +waiters with one's dinner must be abandoned before the hotel managers +will remove them permanently from their menus. + + *** + +Sir FREDERICK BRIDGE has come out with a strong denunciation of +"devilry" in German music. How little we suspected, before the War +opened our deluded eyes, that it was no mere lack of skill but the +fierce promptings of a demoniac hate that marred our evenings on the +esplanade. + + *** + +From The _Northern Whig's_ account of a visit to the Cruiser Fleet:--"It +was a proud moment when from the deck of a fast-moving destroyer the +long lines of the mighty Armada, with here and there the neat little +pinnacles darting in and out, were surveyed." Obviously a misprint for +binnacles. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Vivian Vavasour, the melodrama actor, delights in the +comparative peace of the trenches.] + + * * * * * + +THE AMUSED AND THE AMUSERS. + +All the windows of the V.A.D. hospital were brilliantly lighted up, and +through them floated the strains of a piano and occasional bursts of +laughter. Number One Ward, however, was quite empty except for my +friend, Private McPhee, stalking majestically up and down as if on +sentry go, wearing a "fit of the blues" several sizes too large for him +and an expression which would, I believe, be described by kailyard +novelists as "dour." + +"Bong jaw, Mademawselle," he exclaimed, bringing his stick smartly to +the salute, "or rather bong saw, tae be correct." + +McPhee has affected the Gallic tongue since his sojourn in France. + +"Why, what are you doing all by yourself, McPhee?" I asked. "Are you on +duty?" + +"Na, na," he said, "ah'm pleasin' masel just." + +He paused and emitted a fierce chuckle. + +"Ah'm gettin' even," he announced; "they wantit me to gang oot wi' a +wumman." + +"But whatever made them want you to do that, McPhee?" + +"One o' thae nurses," continued the patient smoulderingly. "Ah fought at +Mons, an' Ah fought at New Chapelle, an' Ah fought at Wipers, that's +what ignorant pairsons ca' Eepers; and they wantit me to gang oot wi' a +wumman. Why for did they no send me oot to fight the Jairmans in a +peerambulator?" + +"Oh," I said, at last enlightened. "But surely, McPhee, the nurses are +very nice. And think how hurt they will be if you won't go out with +them." + +"Ah'm no denyin' some o' them are a' recht," said McPhee grudgingly, +"but it's a maitter o' preenciple. An' I'm gettin' even wi' them the +noo!" + +He chuckled again. + +"But how are you getting even?" + +"Ah'm no dressin' up for them," said the vengeful one; "ye ken thae +nurses are havin' a kin' of a bairthday pairty or the like, an' a' the +men's dressed up to please them. An' if Ah canna gang oot to please +masel, Ah canna dress oop like a monkeyback to please them. + +"They wantit me to dress up for CHAIRLIE CHAPLIN. Man, the nurse was +argle-barglin' a clock hour tryin' to persuade me to put thae claes on. +'Oh, do' (he squeaked), 'to please me, McPhee.' ... But Ah wouldna. Ah +turnit ma face to the wa' an' wouldna speak a wurrd. + +"Ye ken, the ward that gets the maist votes gets a prize, an' thae +nurses is awfu' set on their ward winnin' it. Ah could ha' won it for +Number One. Fine cud I. Ah can turn masel oot so's my ain brither +couldna tell me from HARRY LAUDER. But Ah wouldna. If I canna gang +oot----" + +At this point the door opened and a dejected apparition in a ruff and +petticoats, like a rumpled remnant of a pre-war pageant, drifted in and +sat down on a bed. + +"Ah weel, Queen Elizabeth, hae they dune wi' ye yet?" inquired McPhee +sardonically. + +Gloriana shook his head. "They're playin' musical chairs," he said +gloomily, "so I thought as I wouldn't be missed for a bit. This thing +round my neck does tickle, but my nurse'd be awful 'urt if I took it +off." + +McPhee emitted an ejaculation--Gaelic, I believe--usually expressed in +writing "Mphm." + +"Sma' things," he said, "please sma' minds.... Wha won the prize?" + +"Number Two Ward," said Queen Elizabeth indifferently, "sweets. They're +eatin' 'em. They'll have stummick-aches to-morrer.... But there--it's +the least as we can do to let the nurses 'ave their bit o' fun." + +Nurse Robinson hurried up to me on my way out. I thought her looking a +trifle anxious. + +"I'm feeling rather worried about one of my men," she began, "Private +McPhee. I wonder if you saw him just now?" + +"Oh, yes," I said, "we had quite a long chat." + +"Oh, I'm so glad," she exclaimed, "I was really quite afraid he was +wrong in his head. Do you know, he simply refused to dress up for the +party ... and you know how they love dressing up! Such a good dress, +too--CHARLIE CHAPLIN.... And I couldn't get a word out of him! Wasn't it +strange?" + +"Very," I said; "convalescents get all kinds of fancies, don't they? And +was the party a success?" + +"Splendid!" she said, brightening up. "Of course it's meant a lot of +work. We've been toiling early and late at the costumes. But I'm sure +it's worth it. It does please the poor fellows. Draws them out of +themselves, don't you know." + + * * * * * + +From a Company notice-board at the Front:-- + + "Men must again be warned about matter they are putting in their + letters. No places where we are or where we are going to are not + to be divulged. Those having done so in their letters have been + obliterated." + +We had no notion that the Military Censorship was so drastic as that. + + * * * * * + +A FANTASY. + + If you were a white rose Columbine + And I were a Harlequin, + I'd leap and sway on my spangled hips + And blow you a kiss with my finger tips + To woo a smile to your petal lips + At every glittering spin. + + If I were a pig-tailed Buccaneer + And you were a Bristol Girl, + A-rolling home from over the sea + I'd give you a hug on the landing quay, + A hook-nosed parrot that swore like me, + And a brooch of mother-o'-pearl. + + If you were a Donna of old Castile + And a Troubadour were I, + I'd sing at night beneath your room + And weave you dreams in a minstrel's loom + With rainbow tears and the roses' bloom + And star-shine out of the sky. + + If I were a powdered Exquisite + And you were a fair Bellairs, + I'd press your hand in the gay pavane; + And whisper under your painted fan + As I bowed you into your blue sedan + At the old Assembly stairs. + + If you were a WATTEAU Shepherdess + And I were a gipsy lad, + I'd teach you tunes that the blackbird trills + And show you the dance of the daffodils, + The white moon rising over the hills, + And Night in her jewels clad. + + If you were the Queen of Make-believe + And I were a Prince o' Dream, + We'd dress the world in a rich romance + With Pans a-piping and Queens that dance, + With plume and mantle and rapier glance + And Beauty's eyes a-gleam. + + If I were a Poet, sweet, my own, + And you were my Lady true, + I'd hymn your praise by night and morn + With golden notes through a silver horn + That unborn men in an age unborn + Might glow with a dream of you! + + * * * * * + +Not Founder's Kin. + + "The Archbishop of Perth has received news that he has been + appointed an honorary Fellow of Cain's College, Cambridge." + + _Church Standard_ (_Sydney, N.S.W._) + + * * * * * + +According to _The Somerset and Wilts Journal_ the songs sung by the boys +and girls of the Radstock National Schools on Empire Day included "Raise +the Flagon High." We cannot but think this Bacchic theme a little +unsuitable for our youthful songsters. + + * * * * * + +A WORKING HOLIDAY. + +[Illustration: Coker-Nut. "WHIT-MONDAY AND NOTHING DOING!" + +Roundabout Horse. "WELL, WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT WITH A WAR ON? THEY'VE ALL +GOT SOMETHING BETTER TO DO."] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +XLI. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--They say we fight for money, do they? Well, so we do, +and it's a long hard fight, and it's a good soldier who wins against +that firmly entrenched enemy, the Command Paymaster. + +When this War is over I shall take all my money out of the Bank of +England and, putting it in a paper bag and not troubling to tie it up, I +shall just hand it to the C.P.M. and say, "Hang on to this, will you, +till I come back?" Mark my words: if I'm away for fifty years or so, +every penny of it will be there when I return. It isn't his habit to +part with other people's money entrusted to his keeping. + +I have a sergeant, an honest upright man with no complications in his +past, except that he is a Scot by birth and, happening to be there at +the outbreak, enlisted in Canada. By reason of his uncertain movements +he is unable to draw his food in the usual way, and yet insists, +tiresomely, on being fed. So I said he'd better feed himself, and I +claimed an authority for him to draw ration money in lieu of rations. +Having weathered all the storms of an administrative correspondence, we +eventually came by the authority itself. This was a great and happy day +in the lives of myself and the forty-nine other officers who had by this +time become involved in the affair. "Sgt. Blank is authorised to draw +ration money in lieu of rations as from March 1st, 1916," I read to him, +and sighed with relief. But it was a premature sigh. The trouble was +only just beginning. + +"One-and-eightpence a day, no less, you get, Sergeant," I said. + +He was by now an old hand. "One-and-eightpence a day I am authorized to +get, Sir," he corrected me. + +A man not easily depressed, he took a cheerful view of the preliminary +condition that he was paid monthly, in arrear. He proposed to spend his +meal-times, during the rationless and moneyless days of March, reading +the correspondence; quite enough to engage a man's whole attention +during at least that period. + +April 1st, 1916, duly arrived, and with it the renewal of the Sergeant's +food question, "What, again?" I asked, irritably. + +But the Field Cashier, who was first approached on April 3rd, wasn't in +the least irritated. The subject interested him from the start. +Moreover, argumentative by nature though he undoubtedly was, he was all +anxiety to pay. First, however, there were one or two trifling +formalities to be observed. "You see," he explained, "I can only pay out +upon an authority." + +With some confidence and no little pride we opened our despatch-case and +produced our correspondence. He read every word of it; his pay corporal +did the same, and very kindly explained it to us all as he went along. +"This," they agreed, "is your authority to get the money. What I want is +an authority to pay it." With expressions of mutual esteem we parted for +the day, agreeing to give the matter our most earnest consideration +during the week which must elapse before his return for the next +pay-day. + +We spent a busy week interviewing the forty-nine officers and anyone +else we could get to listen. Only from the Camp Commandant did we get +anything approaching enthusiasm. Camp Commandants are men of a patient +disposition and a never-failing sympathy; what is better still, they +invariably possess a Sergeant-Major of unscrupulous if altruistic +cunning. We presented ourselves at the pay-office, on April 10th, armed +with every possible form of literature, over the Camp Commandant's +signature, which any reasonable Field Cashier could possibly want to +read. + +The Field Cashier was very pleased to see us; we were very pleased to +see him. It was a most happy reunion. Only the Command Paymaster's +presence was wanted to make the thing a success. The Field Cashier gave +his address, dispensed with the Sergeant's presence at all future +meetings, and postponed all further proceedings in the matter till April +17th. + +If there was any lack of graciousness in the correspondence with the +C.P.M., this was, I must at once say, on my side. He wanted to oblige, +but, being human, he must have his authority. + +I sent him the authority to get and the authority to pay. His reply was +to the effect that both were perfectly delightful and in the very best +taste, but what was wanted before he could authorize payment was an +authority to have the account in England credited with the necessary +fund. + +For the first time in my life I positively loathed England. + +Bit by bit, however, the C.P.M. softened; but he hadn't softened quite +enough to satisfy our Field Cashier by April 24th. It was not till May +1st that he gave in altogether, and went so far as to send a chit to the +Camp Commandant, authorising him to receive for me the Sergeant's money. +Meanwhile we had discovered the private residence or funk-hole of our +F.C., and conversations became daily. + +The defect on May 2nd was that the Camp Commandant hadn't signed the +right receipt. + +The defect on May 3rd was that I hadn't got the right receipt to sign. + +The defect on May 4th was--yes, hunger had got the better of the +Sergeant. Though he had got the right receipt and signed it, he had +signed it in the wrong place. + +On May 5th I procured a light lorry, packed into it the Camp Commandant, +the Sergeant, myself, as many of the forty-nine officers as I could +lure, pens, ink and paper, and, by mere weight of numbers, I overcame +the Field Cashier. He scribbled his initials everywhere, inquired in +notes of what value we would take the money, and undertook, on his +personal honour, that upon his very next visit to our headquarters +(where the payment should properly be made) the notes should be ours. I +asked the Sergeant triumphantly what more he could want. He saluted +emphatically at the prospect of receiving, on May 8th, the money +wherewith to buy his food for the period March 1st to April 3rd +(inclusive). + +It was indeed an achievement. Not only were all authorities in existence +and duly authorised, but the authorities who had authorised the +authorities were themselves authorised in writing to do so--and that +authoritatively. However, it was satisfactorily established in formal +proof that all persons concerned, including the Camp Commandant, myself +and the Sergeant, were in fact the persons we were represented to be. +Indeed the last lingering doubt was removed from the mind of the Field +Cashier as to his own identity, and (hats off, gentlemen!) England had +done her Bit. It was a reluctant bit, but somehow or other it had been +done. The money was there. The Command Paymaster could authorise its +payment; the Field Cashier could pay it; the Camp Commandant could +receive it; I could obtain it; and the Sergeant could get it. May the +8th was fast approaching but---- + +If a man (especially when he's right away in Canada) will be in such a +hurry to enlist that he cannot spare the time to think out things +carefully, what can he expect? Shortly after midnight of May 7th to 8th +a telegram arrived: "Reference my A.B.C. 3535; your X.Y.Z. 97S; their +decimal nine recurring. Please cancel all payment of rtn. allce. to +Sergeant Blank, Akk. Akk. Akk. This N.C.O. belonging to a Canadian unit +should apply direct to Paymaster, Overseas Contingent, Akk." + +The Sergeant said nothing, except to ask me how long I thought the War +was likely to last? + +Yours ever, Henry. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Subaltern._ "And about this saluting--I want you +recruits to be very particular about that. Of course, you know, you +don't salute _me_--you salute the uniform."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Why don't yer see Doctor Smiff abaht it?" + +"Is 'e a qualified doctor?" + +"I dunno. But I 'ear 'e's done wonders wiv animals."] + + * * * * * + +What our V.T.C.'s have to put up with:-- + + "Horsham was reached by tea time, the Company having marched + upwards of sixteen miles, apart from its droll work." + + _Sussex Daily News._ + + * * * * * + + "The Forestry Department of the township of Berlin reports that + in the Grunewald, the public park between Berlin and Potsdam, + 1,600 trees had been planted, thus changing about 400 acres of + barren land into a forest." + + _The Times._ + +The statement, like the forest, seems a little thin. + + * * * * * + +NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN. + +XVII.--Blackfriars. + + Seven Black Friars sitting back to back + Fished from the bridge for a pike or a jack. + The first caught a tiddler, the second caught a crab, + The third caught a winkle, the fourth caught a dab, + The fifth caught a tadpole, the sixth caught an eel, + And the seventh one caught an old cart-wheel. + +XVIII.--The Stock Exchange. + + There's a Bull and a Bear, and what do you think? + They live in a Garden of white Stocks and pink. + "I'll give you a pink Stock for one of your white," + Says the Bear to the Bull; and the Bull says, "All right!" + They never make answer if anyone knocks, + They are always so busy exchanging their Stocks. + + * * * * * + +A PARTIAL PAT ON THE BACK. + + (_Another Little Lecture on the War, after the style of "The + Spectator" (abbreviated)._) + +It is no time to waste words in praise of anybody. We want to give and +mean to give--we may perhaps even say that we hope to give--the Cabinet +our countenance and some measure of our approval, but neither adulation +nor encomium. The Editor of this journal is quite ready to allot the +laurels when they have been earned; he will be found at his post handing +them out when the time arrives. But not now. + +It will be said, no doubt ... (Deletion of what will no doubt be said). + +You may ask a man to put his whole strength into drawing a cork, but +unless you are a fool you do not, while the operation is going forward, +keep nagging at him because the cork is too firmly jammed, nor do you +jeer at him for his lack of prescience in not having selected a bottle +with a wider neck. You do not ask him strings of useless questions as to +why he doesn't grip the bottle between his feet or get a purchase on it +with his teeth. Above all you do not keep handing him tools, such as a +pair of scissors or a button-hook or a crowbar. No. You concentrate +earnestly upon the provision of an _efficient corkscrew_, if you ever +hope to taste the imprisoned liquor. And meanwhile, "Don't trip him up" +should be the order of the day; "Don't catch his eye" should be your +watchword; "Don't get into the bowler's arm" should be your motto. + +We shall be told, of course ... (Deletion of what we shall of course be +told). + +But to discountenance nagging is not to encourage laudation, adulation, +or encomium, or even praise. These can wait. The cow, to change the +metaphor, will generally give her milk all the better if she is not in +the act of being stroked or patted or wreathed with buttercups. + +We shall perhaps evoke the retort ... (Deletion of the retort, which +will perhaps be evoked). + +So much for the exact attitude which the Public ought to maintain toward +the Government during the War. Unfortunately the Public, or rather a +section of them, have done nothing of the sort. And that is the reason +why, in spite of good intentions about adulation and all that, it has +become absolutely necessary for us to step forward and present the +Ministry with this unsolicited testimonial. The Government is not what +it appears to be to cross-grained critics seeking for a Rotation of +suitable scapegoats. Ministers are full of glaring faults. Most of them +before the War were wickedly engaged in doing all sorts of damage to the +country, appalling to contemplate. But since the War began they are +doing what they can to retrieve a lurid past, and we believe that +History (our intimate colleague who waits to endorse at a later stage +the views expressed in these columns) will pronounce that they have +displayed great qualities. + +But stay! We are in danger of adulation after all. Let us freely admit +that they are a sorry lot. We have never been blind to the fact. All the +same, they have shown the greatest of all qualities in a +crisis--dispassion almost amounting to torpor. There has never been +about them the slightest trace of hustle or helter-skelter. They have +steered with the greatest deliberation a course which they thought was +the right one for the ship of state to take. To change the metaphor, +having fixed the route of the national 'bus they have refrained from +diving down side-streets. (But there we go again, running off into +laudation. This will not do at all.) + +To speak frankly, all the political tenets of the majority of the +Cabinet are such as can never receive anything but bitter hostility from +this publication. We can't help it. There is a gulf fixed, that is how +it comes about. But on the other hand we must not let this view prevent +us--even though, after all, we are guilty of eulogy--from recognising +their sterling worth. They are indispensable to the navigation of the +ship of state. To change the metaphor, we must be content to let the +train be driven by the engine-driver and not insist upon interference by +the dining-car attendant. + +We are well aware that we lay ourselves open to the charge ... (Deletion +of the charge to which we lay ourselves open). + +Let us then trust the Government, even blindly. Let our motto be the +immortal words in the "Hunting of the Snark": "_They had often, the +Bellman said, saved them from wreck: though none of the sailors knew +how._" + + * * * * * + +THE HAPPY ERROR. + +As a rule I am not one to peer over shoulders and read other people's +letters or papers. But when one is in a queue waiting for one's passport +to be _vised_, and when one has been there for an hour and still seems +no nearer to the promised land, and when it is the second time in the +day that one has been in a queue for the same purpose--once in France +and once in England--why, some little deflection from the narrow path of +perfect propriety may be forgiven. + +Moreover in other ways I behaved better than many of my +fellow-travellers, for I stood loyally behind the man in front of me in +my due place, and did not, as others did, insinuate myself from the side +into positions to which, by all the laws of precedence and decency, they +were disentitled. Indeed I even caught myself wondering whether, had I +any preferential opportunities of getting through first, as some Red +Cross and otherwise influential people had, I should make use of them. +To take any advantage of this weary waiting line of suspects, of which I +was one, would have been almost monstrous. + +So, standing there all patiently and dejected, moving forward a foot or +so every four or five minutes, no wonder that I found myself reading the +embarkation paper which the gentleman in front of me had filled up and +was holding so legibly before him. + +He was tall and solid and calm and French, with a better cut coat than +most Frenchmen, even the aristocrats, trouble about. He was +broad-shouldered and erect, and I was piqued to find him, for all his +iron-grey hair, five years younger than myself. His name was--never +mind; but I know it. His profession was given as publicist--as though he +were Mr. ARNOLD WHITE or Sir HENRY NORMAN, although, for all I know, Sir +HENRY NORMAN may by now be a Brigadier-General. His reasons for visiting +England, given in English, were in connection with his profession. But +after that his English broke down; for when it came to the question what +was his sex, how do you think he had answered it? I consider that his +solution of the difficulty was an ample reward to me--and to you, if you +too have any taste in terminological exactitude--for my fracture of a +social convention. The word he had wanted was either "male" or +"masculine"; but they had evaded him. He had then cast about for English +terminology associated with men, and had thought vaguely of master and +mister. The result was that the line ran thus:--"Sex: Masterly." + +And, looking at the publicist's _soigne_ moustache and firm jaw and +broad hands, I could believe it. But what an inspiration! And, dear me! +what will the Panks, if there are any left, say? + + * * * * * + + "To Teachers and Business Ladies. Heathful Holiday in North + Wales; brainy air." + + _Provincial Paper._ + +Think what it has done for Mr. LLOYD +GEORGE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Judge_. "Three years." + +_Optimistic Prisoner_: "Couldn't you make it 'three years or the +duration of the War,' me lud?"] + + * * * * * + +IDENTIFICATION. + +How often the kind of thing occurs that I am about to describe! + +Four or five summers ago, before the world went mad, I was on one of +DAVID MACBRAYNE'S steamers on the way to a Scotch island. Among the few +passengers was an interesting man, with whom I fell into conversation. +He was a vigorous, bulky, very tall man, with a pointed grey beard and a +mass of grey hair under a panama, and he was bound, he told me, for a +well-known fishing-lodge, whither he went every August. He had been a +great traveller and knew Persia well; he had also been in Parliament, +and one of his sons was in the siege of Mafeking. So much I remember of +his affairs; but his name I did not learn. We talked much about books, +and I put him on to DOUGHTY'S _Arabia Deserta_. + +I have often thought of him since and wondered who he was, and whenever +I have met fishermen or others likely to be acquainted with this +attractive and outstanding personality I have asked about him; but never +with success. And then last week I seemed really to be on the track, for +I found that my new neighbour in the country has also had the annual +custom of spending a fortnight or so in the same Scotch island, and he +claims to know everyone who ever visits that retired spot. + +So this is what happened. + +"If you're so old an islander as that," I said, "you're the very person +to solve the problem that I have carried about for four or five years. +There's a man who fishes regularly up there"--and then I described my +fellow-passenger. "Tell me," I said, "who he is." + +He considered, knitting his brows. + +"You're sure you're right in saying he is unusually tall?" he inquired +at last. + +"Absolutely," I replied. + +"That's a pity," he said, "because otherwise it might be Sir GERALD +ORPINGTON. Only he's short. Still, he was in Parliament right enough. +But, of course, if it was a tall man it's not Orpington." + +He considered again. + +"You say," he remarked, "that he had been in Persia? Now old Jack +Beresford is tall enough and has plenty of hair, but I swear he's never +been to Persia, and of course he hasn't a son at all. It's very odd. +Describe him again." + +I described my man again, and he followed every point on his fingers. + +"Well," he said, "I could have sworn I knew every man who ever fished at +Blank, but this fellow---- Oh, wait a minute! You say he is tall and +bulky and had travelled, and his son was in the Boer War, and he has +been in Parliament? Why, it must be old Carstairs. And yet it can't be. +Carstairs was never married and was never in Parliament." + +He pondered again. + +Then he said, "You're sure it wasn't a clean-shaven bald man with a +single eyeglass?" + +"Quite," I said. + +"Because," he went on, "if he had been it would have been old Peterson +to the life." + +"He wasn't bald or clean-shaven," I said. + +"You're sure he said Blank?" he inquired after another interval of +profound thought. + +"Absolutely," I replied. + +"Tell me again what he was like. Tell me exactly. I know every one up +there; I must know him." + +"He was a vigorous, bulky, very tall man," I said, "with a pointed beard +and a mass of grey hair under a panama; and he went to Blank every +August. He had been a great traveller and knew Persia; he had been in +Parliament, and one of his sons was in the siege of Mafeking." + +"I don't know him," he said. + + * * * * * + + "Foreign gentleman desires English lady to correct him, during + one hour every morning, from 9 to 10."--_Bournemouth Daily + Echo._ + +There is one foreigner whom innumerable English ladies would be +delighted to correct; but he is no gentleman. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Hostess (alluding to latest photograph of herself)._ +"Well, dear, do you think it's like me?" + +_Polite little Girl._ "Well, I don't think it has made you look +quite--quite--grown up enough."] + + * * * * * + +"BIOLOGY AT THE FRONT." + +_To the Editor of "The Times."_ + +SIR,--I am encouraged by reading the very interesting letter which +appeared in your issue of May 29th under the heading, "Biology at the +Front," and dealt with the habit acquired by French poultry of imitating +the sound of flying shells, to relate an experience which recently +befell me. I was seated at breakfast "Somewhere in France," and had +ordered, as is my custom, a boiled egg. When it was brought to me I +proceeded to open it by giving it a smart tap. The egg immediately +exploded with a loud report, and the contents were scattered in all +directions. Those at table with me at once threw themselves prostrate on +the ground, and one, whose olfactory nerves were excessively developed, +exhibited every symptom of being gassed. On questioning the innkeeper we +learnt that the egg had been laid some weeks before by a hen in the +neighbourhood of the Front. I had previously noticed that it was +elongated in shape, the small end being pointed and the base end nearly +flat, while the whole was cased in a shell. + +The continuance of this imitative habit would be a strange perpetual +memorial of the Great War--particularly for Pacificist politicians. + +Yours, &c., Darwinian. + +_The Ashpit, Egham._ + + * * * * * + +WAR'S SURPRISES. + +The Poet. + + My gifted nephew Eric + Till just before the War + Was steeped in esoteric + And antinomian lore, + Now verging on the mystic, + Now darkly symbolistic, + Now frankly Futuristic, + And modern to the core. + + Versed in the weird grivoiserie + Affected by VERLAINE, + And charmed by the chinoiserie + Of MARINETTI'S strain, + In all its multiplicity + He worshipped eccentricity, + And found his chief felicity + In aping the insane. + + And yet this freak ink-slinger, + When England called for men, + Straight ceased to be a singer + And threw away his pen, + Until, with twelve months' training + And six months' hard campaigning, + The lure of paper-staining + Has vanished from his ken. + + For now his former crazes + He utterly eschews; + The world on which he gazes + Has lost its hectic hues; + No more a bard crepuscular + Who writes in script minuscular, + He only woos the muscular + And military Muse. + + Transformed by contact hourly + With heroes simple-souled, + He looks no longer sourly + On men of normal mould, + But, purged of mental vanity + And erudite inanity, + The clay of his humanity + Is turning fast to gold. + + * * * * * + + "THE ROAD TO RAGDAD." + + _Provincial Paper._ + +Not even LITTLE WILLIE could think of a better way. + + * * * * * + + "SECOND-HAND HEARSE Wanted; body must be up to date and + reasonable." + + _Bristol Times and Mirror._ + +And not insist on a brand-new outfit. + + * * * * * + +WITHOUT PREJUDICE. + +[Illustration: Ferdie. "I HOPE I DON'T INTRUDE?" + +Tino. "OH, NO! MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME. THIS IS LIBERTY HALL."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, May 29th._--When Mr. ANDERSON alleged that a certain firm, +desirous of getting its employes exempted, had "hospitably entertained" +the members of the local tribunal at its works, we felt that we were on +the fringe of a grave scandal. A picture of the tribunal replete with +salmon and champagne rose before the mind's eye. But when we learned +from the Ministerial reply that the refreshment alluded to consisted of +"tea and bread-and-butter" the vision faded away. Those innocent viands +could not connote corruption. + +_A propos_ of tribunals, the House learned with delight that the +military representative at Middlesbrough is Mr. HUSTLER HUSTLER. +Obviously the Government have at last discovered "the man of push and +go" for whom they were looking a year ago. + +Mr. MCKENNA was a little short-tempered this afternoon. He first +descended heavily upon Mr. SAMUEL SAMUEL, who had suggested that it was +time to issue another War Loan, instead of borrowing so heavily upon +Treasury Bills. The hon. member, he declared, had no right to speak for +that mysterious entity, "the City." When Sir F. BANBURY, who indubitably +has that right, endorsed Mr. SAMUEL'S appeal, Mr. MCKENNA took refuge +under a point of order--rather an exiguous form of shelter for a +Minister of the Crown. + +[Illustration: Has Lord Kitchener, in his passionate desire to encourage +the Volunteers, ever thought of the untapped resources of the Tower of +London?] + +_Tuesday, May 30th._--The uncertainty of the Volunteers as to whether +they are regarded by the War Office as a very present help in time of +trouble or as a confounded nuisance will hardly be removed by Lord +KITCHENER'S speech. True he said many nice things about them, and +particularly about the behaviour of the Dublin corps during the +insurrection, but when it came to a tangible recognition of their +usefulness he had very little to offer. All the money available was +required for the Army. The Volunteers must be content with such +part-worn equipment and old-fashioned weapons as he could find them. + +On the Consolidated Fund Bill Mr. FELL and other Members for East Anglia +represented very poignantly the woes inflicted upon their constituencies +by the air and sea raids. Fishermen and lodging-house keepers were alike +deprived of their livelihood. Could not the Government do something for +them, either by billeting soldiers or by direct grants-in-aid? + +Mr. HAYES FISHER in reply exuded sympathy at every pore. The previous +speakers had, as he said, painted "a deplorable picture of gloom," and +he laid on the colours from an even more opulent palette. But on the +question of actual relief he was painfully indefinite. Billeting--that +was a question for the War Office; grants--they were a matter for the +Treasury. The East Anglers who thought their fish safely hooked had to +go away empty. + +_Wednesday, May 31st._--Not content with having laid sacrilegious hands +on the clock, the Government have now deranged the calendar and kicked +Whit-Monday into August. But it is all in the good cause of piling up +shells against the Bosches, so the House cheerfully approved the PRIME +MINISTER'S announcement. + +For some days there have been rumours of an impending attack upon Lord +KITCHENER, to be led by Colonel CHURCHILL. Perhaps that was why Mr. +TENNANT, who moved the Vote for the War Office, decided to get his blow +in first. His short speech began with a jibe at his critic's strategical +omniscience, though it is not true that he referred to him as "the right +hon. and recently gallant gentleman"; proceeded with a denial of most of +his assumptions, and ended with a high tribute to LORD KITCHENER'S +prevision in raising a great army to cope with a long war. + +Colonel CHURCHILL did not pick up the gage thus ostentatiously thrown +down, but some of his friends were less discreet, and developed a +close-range assault upon LORD KITCHENER. The PRIME MINISTER is never +seen to greater advantage than when he is defending a colleague, and he +declared that the WAR SECRETARY was personally entitled to the credit +for the amazing expansion of the army. + +Unofficial tributes were not wanting. Sir MARK SYKES asserted that in +Germany the WAR SECRETARY was feared as a great organiser, while in the +East his name was one to conjure with; and Sir GEORGE REID declared that +his chief fault was that he was "not clever at circulating the cheap +coin of calculated civilities which enable inferior men to rise to +positions to which they are not entitled." + +_Thursday, June 1st_.--In moving that the House should at its rising +adjourn until June 20th, the PRIME MINISTER felt it necessary to remove +any impression that the Government, while asking everybody else to +sacrifice their Whitsun holiday, were themselves going junketing. + +Like Old TOM MORRIS, who rebuked a would-be Sunday golfer by saying "if +you don't want your Sabbath rest the links do," he pointed out that the +continuous sittings of the House threw a double burden not only upon +Ministers--one of whom, Mr. RUNCIMAN, has unhappily broken down--but +also upon the permanent officials. Even Members of Parliament, he slily +added, might be under a misapprehension in supposing that constant +attendance at the House was the best way in which they could discharge +their duty to their country in time of war. + +The Nationalist Members are doing their best to "give LLOYD GEORGE a +chance." True, they ask an inordinate number of questions arising out of +the hot Easter week in Dublin--when, according to the local wit, it was +"'98 in the shade"--but otherwise they have sternly repressed any +tendency to factiousness. Yesterday, when a freelance sought to move the +adjournment of the House in order to denounce the continuance of martial +law in Ireland, not a single other Member rose to support him; and +to-day, though Mr. DILLON could not resist the temptation to make a +speech on the same subject, he showed a refreshing restraint. + +Only once--when he declared that "if you can reach the hearts of the +Irish people you can do anything with them; but they will not be driven, +and you cannot crush them"--did his voice approach that painfully high +pitch which irreverent critics have been known to describe as "Sister +Mary Jane's top-note." + +Mr. ASQUITH in reply was sympathetic but firm. The Government were not +deaf to the plea for leniency which had been addressed to them by all +Irish representatives, by Sir EDWARD CARSON as well as by Mr. REDMOND. +But they could not give an undertaking that there should be an end of +the courts-martial. As for the persons deported from Ireland, for whom +Mr. DILLON had specially appealed, it would be more humane in their own +interests not to bring them to trial at once, for that would mean a crop +of convictions and sentences which would increase instead of allaying +the alleged irritation in Ireland. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Doctor_ (_examining recruit_). "And do you always +stutter like that?" + +_Recruit_. "N-n-no, Sir. Only w-w-w-when I t-t-talk."] + + * * * * * + +Mr. JOHN O'CONNOR developed a really ingenious argument. To show that +martial law ought now to be dropped he mentioned that if he attempted to +hold a recruiting meeting in his constituency his life would not be +worth half-an-hour's purchase. Members who were thinking of spending the +recess in Ireland were greatly impressed. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"Fishpingle." + +_Sir Geoffrey Pomfret_, "that almighty man, the county god," claimed to +exercise the same divine right over the souls of his village that he +exercised, in the matter of breeding, over the bodies of his cattle and +pigs. Nothing, I think, has brought the present War more closely home to +my bosom than the humours of this feudal relic--taken in all seriousness +by everyone, including the author. It seems almost inconceivable that +Mr. VACHELL's play deals with conditions that still survived only a few +years ago. Yet the Squire's devotion to the science of eugenics +establishes its date as quite recent. It was his sole taint of +modernity; and indeed where his own son's marriage was concerned he +omitted to apply his scientific principles, and made a choice for him in +which no regard was paid to eugenics, but only to established social +traditions. + +At first the play opened up prospects of a pleasant gaiety. A love +scene, conducted in a rich Western brogue, between the _Squire_'s +footman and his still-room maid, and the embarrassment caused by her +eagerness to learn the philosophy of "eujanics," were full of promise. +It was confirmed by the appearance of Mr. AINLEY, whose manner reminded +us of his many triumphs in the art of eccentric detachment. His +part--the title-role--was that of _Sir Geoffrey's_ faithful butler, on +such familiar, though respectful, terms with his master that the two +sipped port together in the former's room in broad daylight while +discussing family matters. They took an unconscionable time about it, +but, as I said, it promised well. However, Mr. VACHELL had other designs +than our mere amusement. We were not to have our comedy without paying +for it with our heart's blood. Very soon the shadow of melodramatic +pathos and mystery crept over the sunny scene. _Fishpingle_ takes a box +from a cupboard and glances at a miniature and a bundle of letters. +There is illegitimacy in the air, and a lady near me in the stalls +confides to her neighbour that "he's the _Squire's_ half-brother." I +can't think where she got her information, for the rest of us never +learned the facts of the mystery till the very end of the evening, and +even then the details of _Fishpingle's_ origin only transpired (as they +say) under extreme pressure arising out of his dismissal by his master +on the strength of a violent disagreement about fundamentals. + +_Sir Geoffrey's_ father, it seems, had before his marriage run away with +a girl not of his own rank, who had generously refused to spoil the +family tree by marrying him; and _Fishpingle_ was the result. You might +judge from the peculiarity of his surname that the matter was taken +lightly by his parents. But you would be wrong. His mother died when he +was born, and his first name (for I cannot call it a Christian name) was +_Benoni_, which, being interpreted, means "the child of sorrow." _Sir +Geoffrey's_ grandmother, who had discouraged the legal adjustment of the +relationship between the lovers, had tried to repair matters by +educating _Fishpingle_ above the obscurity of his irregular birth; hence +his comparative erudition, rare in a butler. + +[Illustration: THE BREED OF THE POMFRETS. + +_Fishpingle_ (_to himself_). "How anybody can fail to see the +extraordinary family likeness between us I cannot imagine." + +_Fishpingle_.... Mr. Henry Ainley. + +_Sir Geoffrey Pomfret_. Mr. Allan Aynesworth.] + +Now the opening of the play had put me into a mood which was not the +right one for the reception of this extract from a deplorable past. Some +comedies would be all the better for a little tragic relief; but this +was too much. Mr. VACHELL had no business to give his play a title like +_Fishpingle_. He should have called it "Nature's Nobleman, or The +Tragical Romance of a Faithful Butler's Birth," and then I might have +known what to expect. As it was I felt aggrieved. It was not, of course, +a question of asking for my money back at the doors (critics, to be just +to them, never do this in the case of a complimentary seat), but I felt +I had a right to protest against this attempt to harrow my +heart-strings, attuned as they were to the key of comedy, with a painful +drama dating back to more than half a century before the rise of the +curtain, and with its chief actors all dead. And the irritating mystery +in which it was wrapped only made things worse. Further, I suffered a +considerable strain on both my head and my heart in consequence of +obscure hints (vaguely involving a photograph on his mantelpiece) as to +the reason why _Fishpingle_ remained a bachelor to the bitter end. + +But I am ashamed to appear flippant, for Mr. AINLEY played with +exquisite feeling and a fine sincerity. And I have to thank Mr. VACHELL +for giving us some excellent studies of character--not character +developed before our eyes by circumstance (except perhaps a little at +the last), but admirably observed as a kind of fixture to be taken with +the house. + +And if the play is not quite on the high level of Mr. GALSWORTHY'S _The +Eldest Son_, which it faintly recalls, it is much more worthy of Mr. +VACHELL'S gifts than the poor thing, _Penn_, which died so young. Also +he is very much more fortunate this time in his cast. Miss MARION TERRY, +as _Lady Pomfret_, was a pattern of sweet graciousness; and Mr. ALLAN +AYNESWORTH was at his happiest as _Sir Geoffrey_. And the two pairs of +lovers, Mr. CYRIL RAYMOND and Miss MAUD BELL above stairs, and Mr. +REGINALD BACH and Miss DORIS LYTTON below (they were really all of them +on the ground floor, the butler's room being the common trysting-place), +served as delightful examples of natural selection--both on their own +part and that of the management--and were as fresh and healthy as the +most eugenical could desire. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +"Daddy Long-Legs." + +_Daddy Long-Legs_ is a pleasant American sentimental comedy made by JEAN +WEBSTER out of her very jolly book, and not so sticky as some of our +importations of the same general type. The four Acts are phases in the +development of _Judy_ (or _Jerusha_) _Abbott_, orphan; and, as normally +happens in book-plays, development is extremely abrupt. Act I. shows us +_Judy_ as the drudge of the orphanage breaking into flame of rebellion +on the day of the visit of the trustees. Naturally the trustees are all +trustees _pour rire_, except one real good rich man, _Jervis Pendleton_, +who admires the orphan's spirit, and decides that she is to have her +chance at his charges; but is on no account to know her benefactor. + +In Act II., a year later, _Judy_ is not merely the most popular but the +best dressed girl in her college. She still dreams about her unknown +benefactor, whom she calls _Daddy Long-Legs_, and assumes to be a hoary +old man. _Pendleton_ comes to Commem., or its equivalent, to have a peep +at his ward, and loses his heart. In the Third Act, three years later, +our heroine is a famous author, and _Pendleton_, coming (still incog.) +to propose, is refused by a _Judy_ who has taken to worrying unduly (and +not altogether convincingly, if you ask me) about her lack of family. +And, of course, in Act IV., wedding bells. + +Miss RENEE KELLY has a charming personality, and a smile which alone is +worth going to see. She trounced the matron and the incredible trustees +with a fierce fury, and seemed to have easy command of the changes of +mood and tense which her fast-moving circumstances required. A pretty +twinkling star. Mr. CHARLES WALDRON is a skilful actor. If he, perhaps, +grimaced a little too much by way of not letting us miss the obvious +points of the little mystery, he made as admirable a proposal of +marriage as I have ever heard on the stage (or off it for that matter, +with perhaps one exception); but to suppose that so accomplished a lover +would accept a mere mournful shake of the head as a final refusal is +simply too absurd. Miss FAY DAVIS made quite a little triumph of gentle +gracious kindliness out of one of those potentially tiresome explanatory +parts without which no mystifications can be contrived. Miss KATE JEPSON +is a comedienne of rich grain, and gave a very amusing study of the +hero's old nurse. Miss JEAN GADELL, that clever specialist in dour +unpleasant stage women, made a properly repulsive thing out of the +matron of the orphanage. Mr. HYLTON ALLEN scored his points as a comic +lover with droll effect. If the distinctly clever children of the home +(_Judy_ excepted) had been effectively put on the contraband list I +should not have worried. They were unduly noisy (for art, not for life +perhaps), and they overdid their parts, being not only rowdy in the +absence, and abject in the presence, of authority, but different kinds +of children--not merely the same children in two moods. + +Altogether a pleasant play pleasantly and competently performed. + +T. + + * * * * * + + "CABINET LEEKAGE."--Daily Paper. + +Now why, we wonder, do they spell it that way? + + * * * * * + +Alleged Cannibalism in the German Navy. + + "The prisoners got the same food as the submarine crew. Here is + the bill of fare: Breakfast consisted of coffee, black bread, + submarine commander and he pilot." + + _Provincial Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Jimmy Wilde, the fly-weight champion, took part in two contests + at Woolwich on Saturday, winning them both with great ease. + Darkey Saunders, Camberwell, was beaten in three + months."--_Burton Daily Mail._ + +The reporter also seems to have been knocked out of time. + + * * * * * + + "If the area of the garden cannot be increased, the quantity and + quality of the crops should be improved by the extra hour of + daylight."--_The Times._ + +For this discovery our contemporary is hereby recommended for the famous +Chinese Order of the Excellent Crop. + + * * * * * + + "A letter sent on Friday saying, 'We are starting a central mess + for 1,200 men on Monday,' and asking: 'Can you send cooks?' + brings as a reply 24 trained women cooks, who roll up their + sleeves and cook breakfast for the number stated inside 12 + hours!" + + _The Times._ + +What was breakfast to some must have been supper to others. + + * * * * * + +MUSINGS ON MILK-CANS. + + When I travel up to London by an early morning train + Or return into the country when the day is on the wane, + At the smallest railway station + There's a dreadful demonstration + Which causes me unmitigated pain. + + I'm aware that milk is needed for our infant girls and boys; + That it aids adult dyspeptics to regain "digestive poise"; + But I've never comprehended + Why its transport is attended + By the maximum of diabolic noise. + + I admit the railway porter who can deftly twirl a can + In each hand along the platform is no ordinary man; + But what kills me is the banging + And the clashing and the clanging + As he hurls them in or hauls them from the van. + + Now if some new material for these vessels could be found-- + Non-metallic and in consequence a silencer of sound-- + There would be within our borders + Fewer nerve and brain disorders + And more of moral uplift to go round. + + I know a dashing journalist, a credit to his trade, + Who's always in the thick of it whenever there's a raid. + Bombs of various sorts and sizes + He describes and analyses, + But he can't endure a long milk-cannonade. + + I've written to our Member, Dr. Philadelphus Snell, + To ask a question in the House--I think he'd do it well-- + If our cows' nerves should be mangled + By the way their milk is jangled; + And, if he doesn't play, I'll try GINNELL. + + * * * * * + +HEART-TO-HEART TALKS. + +(_The German Emperor and the Crown Prince._) + +_The German Emperor._ Sit down, won't you? + +_The Crown Prince._ Oh, thanks, I rather prefer standing. One's legs get +so cramped in a motor-car. + +_The G. E._ Sit down! + +_The C. P._ Really, I---- + +_The G. E._ SIT DOWN!! + +_The C. P._ Oh, if you're going to take it like that, I'll--yes, yes, +there I am. Are you happy now? + +_The G. E._ I don't know why I tolerate this impertinence from a +whipper-snapper like you. If I did my duty---- + +_The C. P._ I know what you're going to say: if you did your duty you'd +have me arrested and packed off to prison. Isn't that it? Yes, I thought +so. You want to be like old FREDERICK WILLIAM. He had FREDERICK THE +GREAT sentenced to death, and, by Jove, he all but had the sentence +carried out too. It was a deuced near thing. FREDERICK WILLIAM was mad, +you know--as mad as a hatter, and---- + +_The G. E._ Stop it. I will not have you add to your other misdeeds the +crime of irreverence against one of the greatest and worthiest members +of our royal House. + +_The C. P._ Well, it's my House as well as yours. I dare say you regret +that, but there it is, and you won't alter it by glaring at me and +threatening me with your moustache. I'm glare-proof and moustache-proof +by this time. + +_The G. E._ What have I done to deserve such a son? + +_The C. P._ If it comes to that there's another way of putting it. What +have _I_ done to deserve such a father?--that's what I might ask; but +I'm too respectful, too careful of your feelings. And what's my reward? +You're always nag-nag-nagging at me, morning, noon and night. Why can't +you give it a rest? + +_The G. E._ This is beyond endurance. But it has always been the same +from the time you cut your teeth until now--no filial piety, no +consideration for your mother and me; only a cross-grained selfishness +and bad temper. What happened in India? + +_The C. P._ Oh, if you're going over that old story again, I'm off. + +_The G. E._ _Donnerwetter noch einmal!_ Sit still, I tell you. I say +again, what happened in India? You never thought of ingratiating +yourself with the native chiefs. You couldn't even keep your engagements +or be punctual. All you thought of was running after some girl whose +face happened to take your fancy. I might as well have kept you at home +or sent you to London. What a creature to be a Crown Prince! + +_The C. P. (wearily)._ There you go again. But I protest against such +treatment. I'd far rather be back before Verdun with old VON HAeSELER +grandmothering me all over the place. + +_The G. E._ I wonder you dare to mention the word Verdun in my presence. + +_The C. P._ Why shouldn't I? I didn't appoint myself Commander of the +Verdun armies. You did that, and I've done my best to obey your orders +and those of the High Command. If the French fight well, and if we lose +thousands upon thousands of men, how am I responsible? Do be reasonable, +my respected father. It was you who wanted Verdun. You won't be happy +till you get it, and if you do get it now it won't be as useful as an +old shoe without a sole. Anyhow, I'm bearing the burden, and if we +succeed in breaking through it's you that will have the credit of it. If +Verdun falls you'll be there in double quick time to take the salute in +your shining---- + +_The G. E._ Silence, jackanapes! + +_The C. P._ And if we don't get through poor old VON HAeSELER will have +to retire. You'll send him your photograph in a gold frame to console +him, just as you consoled BISMARCK. Pity there's no BISMARCK now. +However, we can't have everything, can we? + +(_Left quarrelling._) + + * * * * * + + "A damaged Zeppelin was observed to descend in the Thames + Estuary, and it surrendered on the approach of patrol goat." + + _The Journal (Calcutta)._ + +This incident is believed to be unique, but German submarines have no +doubt before now been accounted for by our naval rams. + + * * * * * + + "We give these things long words. We talk of the 'triumph of + organisation.' Is it not simpler to say--that when a man knows + exactly what he wants done, exactly how every part of it should + be done, and can pick a man for each task, and apportion his + requirements to what is possible; and then, by far the most + important thing of all, can so deal with the many under his + command that each is most furiously anxious to do what the + leader wants--why then, things go right."--_Westminster + Gazette._ + +The answer is in the negative. + + * * * * * + + "There is much matter for thinking over in the observations of + this 'Student' who was at Sandhurst twelve years ago, and at + Oxford later on, and seems to have got the best out of both + forms of training--the unhasting and unresting labour of 'the + Shop,' which aims only at making competent gunners and sappers, + and the easy-going round of University life which enlarges one's + sympathy and stimulates the imagination."--_Morning Paper._ + +Judging by his description of Sandhurst we think that the writer of the +above extract must also have been at Oxford, where the imagination gets +stimulated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Farmer (who has got a lady-help in the dairy)._ "Ullo, +Missy, what in the would be ye doin'?" + +_Lady._ "Well, you told me to water the cows and I'm doing it. They +don't seem to like it much."] + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT NEUTRAL. + +I am the Neutral Journalist who wanders round Europe. I am absolutely +impartial. I am absolutely trustworthy. My perfect integrity is vouched +for at the head of all my articles. Pleasant it is to come over to +London, sell one set of articles to the Boom Press and another to the +Gloom Press, and then sit down with smiling face and begin an article +for Germany: "I sit in a hovel amongst the ruins of Fleet Street, with +the wreck of the armoured fort of St. Paul's in view. I hear a stir +outside. A wild mob of conscientious objectors is beating a recruiting +officer to death. Such things happen hourly in defeated Albion." My +series of London, Liverpool, Manchester and Birmingham--all in +ashes--has proved so successful that I propose to cover all the large +towns and construct a Baedeker of ruins. + +Yet I pride myself more on my work for England's Press. My German +articles have all to be in the same vein. Only the Boom Press exists in +Germany. But in England one can vary one's view and do artistic work. +You must have read my story of the struggle for the last sausage in a +Frankfort butcher's shop--how the troops intervened and the crowd +attacked them, and how ultimately 1,400 civilians were mown down with +machine guns--and the sausage was eaten by the General Officer +commanding the Army Corps that suppressed the rising. You must also have +seen my description of the KAISER--his white hair, bent shoulders, +deathlike look as he passed, protected by his Guards from the wild fury +of the Berlin mob. Of course I have another KAISER, the bright smiling +man whose youth seems to have been renewed by the War, who waves his +hand to the madly enthusiastic crowds waiting round the Palace for a +glimpse of their divinity. + +You must have read my secret interviews with distinguished Germans, who +whispered to me that HINDENBURG had thrown down his sword and declared +that if the useless slaughter did not cease he would march on Berlin. I +have told you their promises of bloody revolutions and fierce risings. +Also I have given you interviews with other distinguished Germans, who +confided to me that now Germany could turn out one submarine and one +Zeppelin every week-day and two on Sundays, and I have thrilled you with +the details of the great trade war which will come directly peace is +declared, when Germany will win back all her wealth by selling +everything fifty per cent. below cost. + +How my dinners vary in that strange Teutonic land! I pay twenty marks +for two tiny slices of fish, a thin piece of indigestible potato bread, +and a section of rancid sausage. At other times I spend two marks and +get a delightful meal which could not be procured in a London restaurant +for five shillings. I walk through Berlin and see scarcely a cripple or +a wounded man. I let you know that ninety-five per cent. of German +wounded, owing to the skill of German doctors, go back to the Front in a +week. To other English readers I confide that all the maimed, wounded +and blind are sent into the very centre of Germany. There are huge +districts without a whole man in them. + +Did you ask for the actual facts? I will give you one--and it is this: +the only persons in Germany whose waist-measurements have increased in +the War are the neutral journalists. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +In _Hearts of Alsace_ (SMITH, ELDER) your interest will be held less by +the actual story than by the profoundly moving and poignant picture that +Miss BETHAM-EDWARDS has drawn of life in the Reichsland under the +increasing burden of Prussian tyranny. It is a picture that one feels to +be absolutely true. The author writes of what she knows. This Alsatian +family--old _Jean Barthelemy_, the city father, crushed and embittered +by the fate of his loved Mulhouse; his two daughters and the circle of +their friends within the town--all live and move and look longingly +towards the West, as so many others must have done these forty and odd +years past. The plot, what there is of it, concerns the clandestine love +of _Claire_, the petted younger daughter of the Gley house, for an +officer in the conqueror's host, whom she had met during a visit to +Strasburg. _Claire_ marries her _Kurt_, a shady worthless knave, and, as +the book ends with the outbreak of war, is left to an unknown fate. Very +stirring are the chapters that tell of the tumult of emotion that broke +loose when the French guns were heard in Mulhouse; though here--as in +all those war stories whose only satisfactory end is the final confusion +of Kaiserdom--one feels that there is a chapter yet to be added. Miss +BETHAM-EDWARDS writes with all the vigour (I might add all the +garrulity) of intense personal feeling. Her book, as a race study, is a +real contribution to the literature of the War. + + * * * * * + +These are days in which some measure of sacrifice is rightly considered +the common duty of everyone, so long as it is sacrifice with an object. +Perhaps this consideration gives me less patience with the preposterous +kind, which, as a motive in fiction, usually consists in the hero +inviting all and sundry to trample upon his prospects and reputation. +This is what the chief character in _Proud Peter_ (HUTCHINSON) did. He +began by allowing it to be supposed that he was the father of his +brother's illegitimate child, the bright peculiar fatuousness of which +pretence was that thereby the said brother was enabled to marry, and +break the heart of, the heroine, whom, of course, Peter himself adored. +Also, many years after, when the child, now an objectionable young man, +nay more, an actor, was pursuing another heroine with his unwelcome +attentions, he very nearly spiked _Peter's_ guns, on being threatened, +by exclaiming, "I am thy son"--or words to that effect. Fortunately, +however, there existed, as I had somehow known would be the case, a +signed photograph that put all that right. Why, I wonder, is Mr. W. E. +NORRIS always so sharp with the dramatic profession? Was it not in one +of his earlier stories that somebody quite seriously questions whether a +good actor can also be a good man? On the whole, as you may have +gathered, while I should call Proud Peter a comfortable tale of the +eupeptic type, I enjoyed it rather less than other stories from the same +facile pen. + + * * * * * + +ARTHUR GREEN'S _The Story of a Prisoner of War_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS) can +be recommended to all who can still digest the uncooked facts. "I can +swear," he says, "that all that is written is Gospel truth," but without +any such assurance it would be impossible for even the most sceptical to +doubt the writer's honesty. Wounded and taken prisoner in August, 1914, +he suffered severely at the hands of the Germans, and his account of the +camp at Wittenburg does nothing to decrease one's loathing for that +pestilential spot. For many reasons it gives that a civilized race can +sink to such depths of cruelty and cowardice. Perhaps the only people to +whom it will give any comfort are those who have sent food and clothing +to our prisoners. But I am glad that this book came my way, because I +would choose to read facts of the War baldly written by a soldier rather +than any war fiction composed by imaginative civilians. "Of course I'm +not an author," he writes, and as far as grammar and spelling go it is +not for me to contradict him, but he has seen and suffered, and in these +days no one who has handled a bayonet need apologise for taking a turn +with a pen. + + * * * * * + +Encouraged, no doubt, by the reception accorded to that cheery little +volume, _Minor Horrors of War_, its author, Dr. A. E. SHIPLEY, has now +followed it with an equally entertaining sequel in More Minor Horrors +(SMITH, ELDER). This deals more especially with the pests attached to +the Senior Service, and familiar to those who go down to the sea in +ships--the Cockroach, the Mosquito, the Rat, the Biscuit-Weevil and +others. Of each Dr. SHIPLEY has some pleasant word of instruction or +comment to say, in his own highly entertaining manner. I like, for +example, his remark about the mosquito (whose infinite variety is +recognised in no fewer than five chapters), that, if he could talk, the +burden of his song would be that of the guests at the dinner-party in +_David Copperfield_--"Give us blood!" And I found good omen in the +cockroach world on learning that _Periplaneta Orientalis_, or the common +English sort, has _P. Germanica_ thoroughly beat in the matter of +empire-building. In short, Dr. SHIPLEY'S second volume, like his first, +combines instruction with amusement, and is well worth its modest +eighteen-pence to those on land who may wish to learn about the intimate +associates of their dear ones who are defending them upon the sea. + + * * * * * + +"In the Midst of Life----" + + "Good Greengrocer and Mixed Business, sure living; death cause + of leaving."--_Provincial Paper._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Author (dictating)._ "'The room was filled with +dynamite, gun-cotton, nitro-glycerine, cans of petrol and other high +explosives. A train of powder had been laid and was swiftly burning its +way to the heap of combustibles. Clarence, tied to a post, listened to +the retreating footsteps of the Huns, a smile of contempt curling his +sensitive nostrils.' Clarence is in a tight place, Miss Brown, and I +don't know yet how we'll get him out of it. Can you suggest anything?" + +_Amanuensis (brightly)._ "Why not have peace proclaimed?"] + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +150, JUNE 7, 1916*** + + +******* This file should be named 23064.txt or 23064.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/0/6/23064 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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