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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/24083-8.txt b/24083-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d49dffa --- /dev/null +++ b/24083-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,791 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Every Man His Own Poet, by Newdigate Prizeman + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Every Man His Own Poet + Or, The Inspired Singer's Recipe Book + +Author: Newdigate Prizeman + +Release Date: December 31, 2007 [EBook #24083] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK EVERY MAN HIS OWN POET *** + + + + +Produced by K. Nordquist, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + + + + + + + + + EVERY MAN + HIS OWN POET. + + + + + EVERY MAN HIS OWN POET: + + OR, + + The Inspired Singer's Recipe Book. + + + BY A + + NEWDIGATE PRIZEMAN. + + + + Nuper ventosa isthęc et enormis loquacitas animos juvenum ad magna + surgentes veluti pestilenti quodam sidere afflavit.--PETRONIUS. + + + + Oxford: + THOS. SHRIMPTON & SON, BROAD STREET. + 1872. + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + + Minor typographical errors have been corrected without note. A table + of contents, though not present in the original publication, has + been provided below: + + INTRODUCTION. + OF THE NATURE OF POETRY. + RECIPES. + HOW TO MAKE AN ORDINARY LOVE POEM. + HOW TO MAKE A PATHETIC MARINE POEM. + HOW TO WRITE AN EPIC POEM LIKE MR. TENNYSON. + HOW TO WRITE A POEM LIKE MR. MATTHEW ARNOLD. + HOW TO WRITE A POEM LIKE MR. BROWNING. + HOW TO WRITE A MODERN PRE-RAPHAELITE POEM. + HOW TO WRITE A NARRATIVE POEM LIKE MR. MORRIS. + HOW TO WRITE A SATANIC POEM LIKE THE LATE LORD BYRON. + HOW TO WRITE A PATRIOTIC POEM LIKE MR. SWINBURNE. + CONCLUSION. + + + + +INTRODUCTION. + + +To have attempted in former times a work of this description, would have +seemed, we cannot deny, to savour either of presumption or of idiotcy, +or more probably of both. And rightly. But we live in times of progress. +The mystery of yesterday is the common-place of to-day; the Bible, which +was Newton's oracle, is Professor Huxley's jest-book; and students at +the University now lose a class for not being familiar with opinions, +which but twenty years ago they would have been expelled for dreaming +of. Everything is moving onward swiftly and satisfactorily; and if, when +we have made all faiths fail, we can only contrive to silence the +British Association, and so make all knowledge vanish away, there will +lack nothing but the presence of a perfect charity to turn the +nineteenth century into a complete kingdom of heaven. Amongst changes, +then, so great and so hopeful--amongst the discoveries of the rights of +women, the infallibility of the Pope, and the physical basis of life, it +may well be doubted if the great fathers of ancient song would find, if +they could come back to us, anything out of the way or ludicrous in a +recipe-book for concocting poetry. + +Some, indeed, object that poetry is not progressive. But on what grounds +this assertion is based, it is not possible to conjecture. Poetry is as +much progressive as anything else in these days of progress. +Free-thought itself shews scarcely more strikingly those three great +stages which mark advance and movement. For poetry, like Free-thought, +was first a work of inspiration, secondly of science, and lastly now of +trick. At its first stage it was open to only here and there a genius; +at its next to all intelligent men; and at its third to all the human +race. Thus, just as there is no boy now, but can throw stones at the +windows which Bishop Colenso has broken, so there is scarcely even a +young lady but can raise flowers from the seed stolen out of Mr. +Tennyson's garden. + +And surely, whatever, in this its course of change, poetry may have lost +in quality, is more than made up for by what it has gained in quantity. +For in the first place it is far pleasanter to the tastes of a +scientific generation, to understand how to make bad poetry than to +wonder at good; and secondly, as the end of poetry is pleasure, that we +should make it each for ourselves is the very utmost that we can desire, +since it is a fact in which we all agree, that no man's verses please +him so much as his own. + + + + +OF THE NATURE OF POETRY. + + +Poetry as practised by the latest masters, is the art of expressing what +is too foolish, too profane, or too indecent to be expressed in any +other way. And thus, just as a consummate cook will prepare a most +delicate repast out of the most poor materials, so will the modern poet +concoct us a most popular poem from the weakest emotions, and the most +tiresome platitudes. The only difference is, that the cook would prefer +good materials if he could get them, whilst the modern poet will take +the bad from choice. As far, however, as the nature of materials goes, +those which the two artists work with are the same--_viz._, animals, +vegetables, and spirits. It was the practice of Shakespeare and other +earlier masters to make use of all these together, mixing them in +various proportions. But the moderns have found that it is better and +far easier to employ each separately. Thus Mr. Swinburne uses very +little else but animal matter in the composition of his dishes, which it +must be confessed are somewhat unwholesome in consequence: whilst the +late Mr. Wordsworth, on the contrary, confined himself almost +exclusively to the confection of primrose pudding, and flint soup, +flavoured with the lesser-celandine; and only now and then a beggar-boy +boiled down in it to give it a colour. The robins and drowned lambs +which he was wont to use, when an additional piquancy was needed, were +employed so sparingly that they did not destroy in the least the general +vegetable tone of his productions; and these form in consequence an +unimpeachable lenten diet. It is difficult to know what to say of Mr. +Tennyson, as the milk and water of which his books are composed chiefly, +make it almost impossible to discover what was the original nature of +the materials he has boiled down in it. Mr. Shelley, too, is perhaps +somewhat embarrassing to classify; as, though spirits are what he +affected most, he made use of a large amount of vegetable matter also. +We shall be probably not far wrong in describing his material as a kind +of methylated spirits; or pure psychic alcohol, strongly tinctured with +the barks of trees, and rendered below proof by a quantity of sea-water. +In this division of the poets, however, into animalists, spiritualists, +and vegetarians, we must not be discouraged by any such difficulties as +these; but must bear in mind that in whatever manner we may neatly +classify anything, the exceptions and special cases will always far +outnumber those to which our rule applies. + +But in fact, at present, mere theory may be set entirely aside: for +although in the case of action, the making and adhering to a theory may +be the surest guide to inconsistency and absurdity, in poetry these +results can be obtained without such aid. + +The following recipes, compiled from a careful analysis of the best +authors, will be found, we trust, efficient guides for the composition +of genuine poems. But the tyro must bear always in mind that there is no +royal road to anything, and that not even the most explicit directions +will make a poet all at once of even the most fatuous, the most +sentimental, or the most profane. + + + + +RECIPES. + + +The following are arranged somewhat in the order in which the student is +recommended to begin his efforts. About the more elaborate ones, which +come later, he may use his own discretion as to which he will try first; +but he must previously have had some training in the simpler +compositions, with which we deal before all others. These form as it +were a kind of palęstra of folly, a very short training in which will +suffice to break down that stiffness and self-respect in the soul, which +is so incompatible with modern poetry. Taking, therefore, the silliest +and commonest of all kinds of verse, and the one whose sentiments come +most readily to hand in vulgar minds, we begin with directions, + + +HOW TO MAKE AN ORDINARY LOVE POEM. + +Take two large and tender human hearts, which match one another +perfectly. Arrange these close together, but preserve them from actual +contact by placing between them some cruel barrier. Wound them both in +several places, and insert through the openings thus made a fine +stuffing of wild yearnings, hopeless tenderness, and a general +admiration for stars. Then completely cover up one heart with a +sufficient quantity of chill church-yard mould, which may be garnished +according to taste with dank waving weeds or tender violets: and +promptly break over it the other heart. + + +HOW TO MAKE A PATHETIC MARINE POEM. + +This kind of poem has the advantage of being easily produced, yet being +at the same time pleasing, and not unwholesome. As, too, it admits of no +variety, the chance of going wrong in it is very small. Take one +midnight storm, and one fisherman's family, which, if the poem is to be +a real success, should be as large and as hungry as possible, and must +contain at least one innocent infant. Place this last in a cradle, with +the mother singing over it, being careful that the babe be dreaming of +angels, or else smiling sweetly. Stir the father well up in the storm +until he disappears. Then get ready immediately a quantity of cruel +crawling foam, in which serve up the father directly on his +re-appearance, which is sure to take place in an hour or two, in the +dull red morning. This done, a charming saline effervescence will take +place amongst the remainder of the family. Pile up the agony to suit the +palate, and the poem will be ready for perusal. + + +HOW TO WRITE AN EPIC POEM LIKE MR. TENNYSON. + + (_The following, apart from its intrinsic utility, forms in itself a + great literary curiosity, being the original directions from which + the Poet Laureate composed the Arthurian Idylls._) + +To compose an epic, some writers instruct us first to catch our hero. +As, however, Mr. Carlyle is the only person on record who has ever +performed this feat, it will be best for the rest of mankind to be +content with the nearest approach to a hero available, namely a prig. +These animals are very plentiful, and easy to catch, as they delight in +being run after. There are however many different kinds, not all equally +fit for the present purpose, and amongst which it is very necessary to +select the right one. Thus, for instance, there is the scientific and +atheistical prig, who may be frequently observed eluding notice between +the covers of the "Westminster Review;" the Anglican prig, who is often +caught exposing himself in the "Guardian;" the Ultramontane prig, who +abounds in the "Dublin Review;" the scholarly prig, who twitters among +the leaves of the "Academy;" and the Evangelical prig, who converts the +heathen, and drinks port wine. None of these, and least of all the last, +will serve for the central figure, in the present class of poem. The +only one entirely suitable is the blameless variety. Take, then, one +blameless prig. Set him upright in the middle of a round table, and +place beside him a beautiful wife, who cannot abide prigs. Add to these, +one marred goodly man; and tie the three together in a bundle with a +link or two of Destiny. Proceed, next, to surround this group with a +large number of men and women of the nineteenth century, in fancy-ball +costume, flavoured with a great many very possible vices, and a few +impossible virtues. Stir these briskly about for two volumes, to the +great annoyance of the blameless prig, who is, however, to be kept +carefully below swearing-point, for the whole time. If he once boils +over into any natural action or exclamation, he is forthwith worthless, +and you must get another. Next break the wife's reputation into small +pieces; and dust them well over the blameless prig. Then take a few +vials of tribulation and wrath, and empty these generally over the whole +ingredients of your poem: and, taking the sword of the heathen, cut into +small pieces the greater part of your minor characters. Then wound +slightly the head of the blameless prig; remove him suddenly from the +table, and keep in a cool barge for future use. + + +HOW TO WRITE A POEM LIKE MR. MATTHEW ARNOLD. + +Take one soulfull of involuntary unbelief, which has been previously +well flavoured with self-satisfied despair. Add to this one beautiful +text of Scripture. Mix these well together; and as soon as ebullition +commences grate in finely a few regretful allusions to the New Testament +and the lake of Tiberias, one constellation of stars, half-a-dozen +allusions to the nineteenth century, one to Goethe, one to Mont Blanc, +or the Lake of Geneva; and one also, if possible, to some personal +bereavement. Flavour the whole with a mouthful of "faiths" and +"infinites," and a mixed mouthful of "passions," "finites," and +"yearnings." This class of poem is concluded usually with some question, +about which we have to observe only that it shall be impossible to +answer. + + +HOW TO WRITE A POEM LIKE MR. BROWNING. + +Take rather a coarse view of things in general. In the midst of this, +place a man and a woman, her and her ankles, tastefully arranged on a +slice of Italy, or the country about Pornic. Cut an opening across the +breast of each, until the soul becomes visible, but be very careful that +none of the body be lost during the operation. Pour into each breast as +much as it will hold of the new strong wine of love: and, for fear they +should take cold by exposure, cover them quickly up with a quantity of +obscure classical quotations, a few familiar allusions to an unknown +period of history, and a half-destroyed fresco by an early master, +varied every now and then with a reference to the fugues or toccatas of +a quite-forgotten composer. + +If the poem be still intelligible, take a pen and remove carefully all +the necessary particles. + + +HOW TO WRITE A MODERN PRE-RAPHAELITE POEM. + +Take a packet of fine selected early English, containing no words but +such as are obsolete and unintelligible. Pour this into about double +the quantity of entirely new English, which must have never been used +before, and which you must compose yourself, fresh as it is wanted. Mix +these together thoroughly till they assume a colour quite different from +any tongue that was ever spoken, and the material will be ready for use. + +Determine the number of stanzas of which your poem shall consist, and +select a corresponding number of the most archaic or most peculiar words +in your vocabulary, allotting one of these to each stanza; and pour in +the other words round them, until the entire poem is filled in. + +This kind of composition is usually cast in shapes. These, though not +numerous--amounting in all to something under a dozen--it would take too +long to describe minutely here: and a short visit to Mr. ----'s shop in +King street, where they are kept in stock, would explain the whole of +them. A favourite one, however, is the following, which is of very easy +construction. Take three damozels, dressed in straight night-gowns. Pull +their hair-pins out, and let their hair tumble all about their +shoulders. A few stars may be sprinkled into this with advantage. Place +an aureole about the head of each, and give each a lily in her hand, +about half the size of herself. Bend their necks all different ways, and +set them in a row before a stone wall, with an apple-tree between each +and some large flowers at their feet. Trees and flowers of the right +sort are very plentiful in church windows. When you have arranged all +these objects rightly, take a cast of them in the softest part of your +brain, and pour in your word-composition as above described. + +This kind of poem is much improved by what is called a burden. This +consists of a few jingling words, generally of an archaic character, +about which we have only to be careful that they have no reference to +the subject of the poem they are to ornament. They are inserted without +variation between the stanzas. + +In conclusion we would remark to beginners that this sort of composition +must be attempted only in a perfectly vacant atmosphere; so that no +grains of common-sense may injure the work whilst in progress. + + +HOW TO WRITE A NARRATIVE POEM LIKE MR. MORRIS. + +Take about sixty pages-full of the same word-mixture as that described +in the preceding; and dilute it with a double quantity of mild modern +Anglo-Saxon. Pour this composition into two vessels of equal size, and +into one of these empty a small mythological story. If this does not put +your readers to sleep soon enough, add to it the rest of the language, +in the remaining vessel. + + +HOW TO WRITE A SATANIC POEM LIKE THE LATE LORD BYRON. + + (_This recipe is inserted for the benefit of those poets who desire + to attain what is called originality. This is only to be got by + following some model of a past generation, which has ceased to be + made use of by the public at large. We do not however recommend this + course, feeling sure that all writers in the end will derive far + more real satisfaction from producing fashionable, than original + verses; which two things it is impossible to do at one and the same + time._) + +Take a couple of fine deadly sins; and let them hang before your eyes +until they become racy. Then take them down, dissect them, and stew them +for some time in a solution of weak remorse; after which they are to be +devilled with mock-despair. + + +HOW TO WRITE A PATRIOTIC POEM LIKE MR. SWINBURNE. + +Take one blaspheming patriot, who has been hung or buried for some time, +together with the oppressed country belonging to him. Soak these in a +quantity of rotten sentiment, till they are completely sodden; and in +the mean while get ready an indefinite number of Christian kings and +priests. Kick these till they are nearly dead; add copiously broken +fragments of the Catholic church, and mix all together thoroughly. Place +them in a heap upon the oppressed country; season plentifully with very +coarse expressions; and on the top carefully arrange your patriot, +garnished with laurel or with parsley; surround with artificial hopes +for the future, which are never meant to be tasted. This kind of poem is +cooked in verbiage, flavoured with Liberty, the taste of which is much +heightened by the introduction of a few high gods, and the game of +Fortune. The amount of verbiage which Liberty is capable of flavouring, +is practically infinite. + + + + +CONCLUSION. + + +We regret to have to offer this work to the public in its present +incomplete state, the whole of that part treating of the most recent +section of modern poetry, _viz._, the blasphemous and the obscene, being +entirely wanting. It was found necessary to issue this from an eminent +publishing firm in Holywell street, Strand, where by an unforeseen +casualty, the whole of the first edition was seized by the police, and +is at present in the hands of the Society for the Suppression of Vice. +We incline however to trust that this loss will have but little effect; +as indecency and profanity are things in which, even to the dullest, +external instruction is a luxury, rather than a necessity. Those of our +readers, who, either from sense, self-respect, or other circumstances, +are in need of a special training in these subjects, will find excellent +professors of them in any public-house, during the late hours of the +evening; where the whole sum and substance of the fieriest school of +modern poetry is delivered nightly; needing only a little dressing and +flavouring with artificial English to turn it into very excellent +verse. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Every Man His Own Poet, by Newdigate Prizeman + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK EVERY MAN HIS OWN POET *** + +***** This file should be named 24083-8.txt or 24083-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/0/8/24083/ + +Produced by K. 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Newdigate Prizeman + </title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p {margin-top: .75em; text-align: justify; margin-bottom: .75em;} + + h1,h2 {text-align: center; clear: both; font-weight: normal;} + h3 {text-align: center; clear: both; font-weight: normal; font-size: medium; + margin-top: 2em; margin-bottom: 1em;} + + hr {width: 65%; margin: 2em auto; clear: both;} + + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + + .pagenum {position: absolute; left: 94%; font-size: small; + font-style: normal; text-align: right; text-indent: 0;} + + .blockquot{margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: small;} + + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .figcenter {margin: 1em auto;} + + .figdrop {float: left; clear: left; margin-left: 0; margin-bottom: 0em; margin-top: 0; + margin-right: 1.5em; padding: 0; width: 61px;} + .figdrop img {border: double 3px;} + .cap {text-indent: -1em;} + + .trans1 {border: solid 1px; margin: 1em 15%; padding: .25em 1em; text-align: justify;} + + .trnhd {text-align: center; font-size: large; font-weight: bold;} + + img {border: none;} + + a:link {text-decoration:none;} + a:visited {text-decoration:none;} + + ul {list-style-type: none; font-size: small;} + + .dcap {text-transform: uppercase;} + + .hd1 {font-weight: bold; font-size: small; text-align: center; margin-top: 3em; margin-bottom: 3em;} + .hd2 {font-weight: bold; font-size: small; margin: 3em auto 5em; width: 30em;} + .hd3 {margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0; text-align: center;} + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Every Man His Own Poet, by Newdigate Prizeman + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Every Man His Own Poet + Or, The Inspired Singer's Recipe Book + +Author: Newdigate Prizeman + +Release Date: December 31, 2007 [EBook #24083] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK EVERY MAN HIS OWN POET *** + + + + +Produced by K. Nordquist, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>EVERY MAN<br /> +HIS OWN POET.</h1> + +<hr /> + +<h1>EVERY MAN HIS OWN POET:</h1> + +<p class="hd1">OR,</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 422px;"> +<img src="images/001.png" width="422" height="35" alt="The Inspired Singer's Recipe Book." title="" /> +</div> + +<p class="hd1">BY A</p> + +<h2>NEWDIGATE PRIZEMAN.</h2> + +<div class="hd2"><p>Nuper ventosa isthæc et enormis loquacitas animos juvenum ad magna +surgentes veluti pestilenti quodam sidere afflavit.—<span class="smcap">Petronius.</span></p></div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 68px; margin-bottom: 0;"> +<img src="images/002.png" width="68" height="18" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p class="hd3"><span class="smcap">Thos.</span> SHRIMPTON & SON, BROAD STREET.<br /> +1872.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="trans1"><p class="trnhd">Transcriber's Note</p> +<p>Minor typographical errors have been corrected without note. A table +of contents, though not present in the original publication, has +been provided below:</p> + +<ul><li><a href="#INTRODUCTION">INTRODUCTION.</a></li> +<li><a href="#OF_THE_NATURE_OF_POETRY">OF THE NATURE OF POETRY.</a></li> +<li><a href="#RECIPES">RECIPES.</a><ul> +<li><a href="#HOW_TO_MAKE_AN_ORDINARY_LOVE_POEM">HOW TO MAKE AN ORDINARY LOVE POEM.</a></li> +<li><a href="#HOW_TO_MAKE_A_PATHETIC_MARINE_POEM">HOW TO MAKE A PATHETIC MARINE POEM.</a></li> +<li><a href="#HOW_TO_WRITE_AN_EPIC_POEM_LIKE_MR_TENNYSON">HOW TO WRITE AN EPIC POEM LIKE MR. TENNYSON.</a></li> +<li><a href="#HOW_TO_WRITE_A_POEM_LIKE_MR_MATTHEW_ARNOLD">HOW TO WRITE A POEM LIKE MR. MATTHEW ARNOLD.</a></li> +<li><a href="#HOW_TO_WRITE_A_POEM_LIKE_MR_BROWNING">HOW TO WRITE A POEM LIKE MR. BROWNING.</a></li> +<li><a href="#HOW_TO_WRITE_A_MODERN_PRE-RAPHAELITE_POEM">HOW TO WRITE A MODERN PRE-RAPHAELITE POEM.</a></li> +<li><a href="#HOW_TO_WRITE_A_NARRATIVE_POEM_LIKE_MR_MORRIS">HOW TO WRITE A NARRATIVE POEM LIKE MR. MORRIS.</a></li> +<li><a href="#HOW_TO_WRITE_A_SATANIC_POEM_LIKE_THE_LATE_LORD_BYRON">HOW TO WRITE A SATANIC POEM LIKE THE LATE LORD BYRON.</a></li> +<li><a href="#HOW_TO_WRITE_A_PATRIOTIC_POEM_LIKE_MR_SWINBURNE">HOW TO WRITE A PATRIOTIC POEM LIKE MR. SWINBURNE.</a></li></ul></li> +<li><a href="#CONCLUSION">CONCLUSION.</a></li></ul> +</div> + +<hr /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="INTRODUCTION" id="INTRODUCTION"></a>INTRODUCTION.</h2> + +<div class="figdrop"> +<img src="images/003.png" width="61" height="58" alt="T" title="T" /> +</div><p class="cap"><span class="dcap">o</span> have attempted in former times a work of +this description, would have seemed, we cannot +deny, to savour either of presumption or of +idiotcy, or more probably of both. And rightly. But +we live in times of progress. The mystery of yesterday +is the common-place of to-day; the Bible, which was +Newton's oracle, is Professor Huxley's jest-book; and +students at the University now lose a class for not being +familiar with opinions, which but twenty years ago they +would have been expelled for dreaming of. Everything +is moving onward swiftly and satisfactorily; and if, +when we have made all faiths fail, we can only contrive +to silence the British Association, and so make all knowledge +vanish away, there will lack nothing but the +presence of a perfect charity to turn the nineteenth century +into a complete kingdom of heaven. Amongst +changes, then, so great and so hopeful—amongst the +discoveries of the rights of women, the infallibility +of the Pope, and the physical basis of life, it may<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span> +well be doubted if the great fathers of ancient song +would find, if they could come back to us, anything out +of the way or ludicrous in a recipe-book for concocting +poetry.</p> + +<p>Some, indeed, object that poetry is not progressive. +But on what grounds this assertion is based, it is not +possible to conjecture. Poetry is as much progressive +as anything else in these days of progress. Free-thought +itself shews scarcely more strikingly those three great +stages which mark advance and movement. For poetry, +like Free-thought, was first a work of inspiration, secondly +of science, and lastly now of trick. At its first stage it was +open to only here and there a genius; at its next to all +intelligent men; and at its third to all the human race. +Thus, just as there is no boy now, but can throw stones +at the windows which Bishop Colenso has broken, so +there is scarcely even a young lady but can raise flowers +from the seed stolen out of Mr. Tennyson's garden.</p> + +<p>And surely, whatever, in this its course of change, +poetry may have lost in quality, is more than made up for +by what it has gained in quantity. For in the first place +it is far pleasanter to the tastes of a scientific generation, +to understand how to make bad poetry than to wonder +at good; and secondly, as the end of poetry is pleasure, +that we should make it each for ourselves is the very +utmost that we can desire, since it is a fact in which we +all agree, that no man's verses please him so much as +his own.</p> + +<hr /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="OF_THE_NATURE_OF_POETRY" id="OF_THE_NATURE_OF_POETRY"></a>OF THE NATURE OF POETRY.</h2> + +<div class="figdrop"> +<img src="images/004.png" width="61" height="58" alt="P" title="P" /> +</div><p class="cap"><span class="dcap">oetry</span> as practised by the latest masters, is the +art of expressing what is too foolish, too +profane, or too indecent to be expressed in any +other way. And thus, just as a consummate cook will +prepare a most delicate repast out of the most poor +materials, so will the modern poet concoct us a most +popular poem from the weakest emotions, and the most +tiresome platitudes. The only difference is, that the +cook would prefer good materials if he could get them, +whilst the modern poet will take the bad from choice. As +far, however, as the nature of materials goes, those which +the two artists work with are the same—<i>viz.</i>, animals, +vegetables, and spirits. It was the practice of Shakespeare +and other earlier masters to make use of all these +together, mixing them in various proportions. But the +moderns have found that it is better and far easier to +employ each separately. Thus Mr. Swinburne uses very +little else but animal matter in the composition of his +dishes, which it must be confessed are somewhat<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span> +unwholesome in consequence: whilst the late Mr. Wordsworth, +on the contrary, confined himself almost exclusively +to the confection of primrose pudding, and flint +soup, flavoured with the lesser-celandine; and only now +and then a beggar-boy boiled down in it to give it a +colour. The robins and drowned lambs which he was +wont to use, when an additional piquancy was needed, were +employed so sparingly that they did not destroy in the least +the general vegetable tone of his productions; and these +form in consequence an unimpeachable lenten diet. It is +difficult to know what to say of Mr. Tennyson, as the +milk and water of which his books are composed chiefly, +make it almost impossible to discover what was the +original nature of the materials he has boiled down in +it. Mr. Shelley, too, is perhaps somewhat embarrassing +to classify; as, though spirits are what he affected most, +he made use of a large amount of vegetable matter also. +We shall be probably not far wrong in describing his +material as a kind of methylated spirits; or pure psychic +alcohol, strongly tinctured with the barks of trees, and +rendered below proof by a quantity of sea-water. In +this division of the poets, however, into animalists, +spiritualists, and vegetarians, we must not be discouraged +by any such difficulties as these; but must bear in mind +that in whatever manner we may neatly classify anything, +the exceptions and special cases will always far +outnumber those to which our rule applies.</p> + +<p>But in fact, at present, mere theory may be set entirely<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span> +aside: for although in the case of action, the +making and adhering to a theory may be the surest +guide to inconsistency and absurdity, in poetry these +results can be obtained without such aid.</p> + +<p>The following recipes, compiled from a careful analysis +of the best authors, will be found, we trust, efficient +guides for the composition of genuine poems. But the +tyro must bear always in mind that there is no royal +road to anything, and that not even the most explicit +directions will make a poet all at once of even the most +fatuous, the most sentimental, or the most profane.</p> + +<hr /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="RECIPES" id="RECIPES"></a>RECIPES.</h2> + +<div class="figdrop"> +<img src="images/003.png" width="61" height="58" alt="T" title="T" /> +</div><p class="cap"><span class="dcap">he</span> following are arranged somewhat in the +order in which the student is recommended to +begin his efforts. About the more elaborate +ones, which come later, he may use his own discretion +as to which he will try first; but he must previously +have had some training in the simpler compositions, +with which we deal before all others. These form as it +were a kind of palæstra of folly, a very short training +in which will suffice to break down that stiffness and +self-respect in the soul, which is so incompatible with +modern poetry. Taking, therefore, the silliest and commonest +of all kinds of verse, and the one whose sentiments +come most readily to hand in vulgar minds, we +begin with directions,</p> + +<h3><a name="HOW_TO_MAKE_AN_ORDINARY_LOVE_POEM" id="HOW_TO_MAKE_AN_ORDINARY_LOVE_POEM"></a>HOW TO MAKE AN ORDINARY LOVE POEM.</h3> + +<p>Take two large and tender human hearts, which +match one another perfectly. Arrange these close together, +but preserve them from actual contact by placing +between them some cruel barrier. Wound them both in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span> +several places, and insert through the openings thus +made a fine stuffing of wild yearnings, hopeless tenderness, +and a general admiration for stars. Then completely +cover up one heart with a sufficient quantity of +chill church-yard mould, which may be garnished +according to taste with dank waving weeds or tender +violets: and promptly break over it the other heart.</p> + +<h3><a name="HOW_TO_MAKE_A_PATHETIC_MARINE_POEM" id="HOW_TO_MAKE_A_PATHETIC_MARINE_POEM"></a>HOW TO MAKE A PATHETIC MARINE POEM.</h3> + +<p>This kind of poem has the advantage of being easily +produced, yet being at the same time pleasing, and not +unwholesome. As, too, it admits of no variety, the +chance of going wrong in it is very small. Take one +midnight storm, and one fisherman's family, which, if +the poem is to be a real success, should be as large and +as hungry as possible, and must contain at least one +innocent infant. Place this last in a cradle, with the +mother singing over it, being careful that the babe be +dreaming of angels, or else smiling sweetly. Stir the +father well up in the storm until he disappears. Then +get ready immediately a quantity of cruel crawling foam, +in which serve up the father directly on his re-appearance, +which is sure to take place in an hour or two, in the dull +red morning. This done, a charming saline effervescence +will take place amongst the remainder of the family. +Pile up the agony to suit the palate, and the poem will +be ready for perusal.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span></p> + +<h3><a name="HOW_TO_WRITE_AN_EPIC_POEM_LIKE_MR_TENNYSON" id="HOW_TO_WRITE_AN_EPIC_POEM_LIKE_MR_TENNYSON"></a>HOW TO WRITE AN EPIC POEM LIKE MR. TENNYSON.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>(<i>The following, apart from its intrinsic utility, forms in itself a great +literary curiosity, being the original directions from which the Poet +Laureate composed the Arthurian Idylls.</i>)</p></div> + +<p>To compose an epic, some writers instruct us first to +catch our hero. As, however, Mr. Carlyle is the only +person on record who has ever performed this feat, it +will be best for the rest of mankind to be content with +the nearest approach to a hero available, namely a prig. +These animals are very plentiful, and easy to catch, as +they delight in being run after. There are however +many different kinds, not all equally fit for the present +purpose, and amongst which it is very necessary to select +the right one. Thus, for instance, there is the scientific +and atheistical prig, who may be frequently observed +eluding notice between the covers of the "Westminster +Review;" the Anglican prig, who is often caught exposing +himself in the "Guardian;" the Ultramontane prig, +who abounds in the "Dublin Review;" the scholarly +prig, who twitters among the leaves of the "Academy;" +and the Evangelical prig, who converts the heathen, and +drinks port wine. None of these, and least of all the +last, will serve for the central figure, in the present class +of poem. The only one entirely suitable is the blameless +variety. Take, then, one blameless prig. Set him upright +in the middle of a round table, and place beside +him a beautiful wife, who cannot abide prigs. Add to +these, one marred goodly man; and tie the three together<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span> +in a bundle with a link or two of Destiny. Proceed, +next, to surround this group with a large number of +men and women of the nineteenth century, in fancy-ball +costume, flavoured with a great many very possible vices, +and a few impossible virtues. Stir these briskly about +for two volumes, to the great annoyance of the blameless +prig, who is, however, to be kept carefully below swearing-point, +for the whole time. If he once boils over +into any natural action or exclamation, he is forthwith +worthless, and you must get another. Next break the +wife's reputation into small pieces; and dust them well +over the blameless prig. Then take a few vials of tribulation +and wrath, and empty these generally over the +whole ingredients of your poem: and, taking the sword +of the heathen, cut into small pieces the greater part of +your minor characters. Then wound slightly the head +of the blameless prig; remove him suddenly from the +table, and keep in a cool barge for future use.</p> + +<h3><a name="HOW_TO_WRITE_A_POEM_LIKE_MR_MATTHEW_ARNOLD" id="HOW_TO_WRITE_A_POEM_LIKE_MR_MATTHEW_ARNOLD"></a>HOW TO WRITE A POEM LIKE MR. MATTHEW ARNOLD.</h3> + +<p>Take one soulfull of involuntary unbelief, which has +been previously well flavoured with self-satisfied despair. +Add to this one beautiful text of Scripture. Mix +these well together; and as soon as ebullition commences +grate in finely a few regretful allusions to the New Testament +and the lake of Tiberias, one constellation of stars, +half-a-dozen allusions to the nineteenth century, one to +Goethe, one to Mont Blanc, or the Lake of Geneva;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span> +and one also, if possible, to some personal bereavement. +Flavour the whole with a mouthful of "faiths" and +"infinites," and a mixed mouthful of "passions," +"finites," and "yearnings." This class of poem is +concluded usually with some question, about which we +have to observe only that it shall be impossible to +answer.</p> + +<h3><a name="HOW_TO_WRITE_A_POEM_LIKE_MR_BROWNING" id="HOW_TO_WRITE_A_POEM_LIKE_MR_BROWNING"></a>HOW TO WRITE A POEM LIKE MR. BROWNING.</h3> + +<p>Take rather a coarse view of things in general. In +the midst of this, place a man and a woman, her and her +ankles, tastefully arranged on a slice of Italy, or the +country about Pornic. Cut an opening across the breast +of each, until the soul becomes visible, but be very careful +that none of the body be lost during the operation. +Pour into each breast as much as it will hold of the new +strong wine of love: and, for fear they should take cold +by exposure, cover them quickly up with a quantity of +obscure classical quotations, a few familiar allusions to an +unknown period of history, and a half-destroyed fresco +by an early master, varied every now and then with a +reference to the fugues or toccatas of a quite-forgotten +composer.</p> + +<p>If the poem be still intelligible, take a pen and remove +carefully all the necessary particles.</p> + +<h3><a name="HOW_TO_WRITE_A_MODERN_PRE-RAPHAELITE_POEM" id="HOW_TO_WRITE_A_MODERN_PRE-RAPHAELITE_POEM"></a>HOW TO WRITE A MODERN PRE-RAPHAELITE POEM.</h3> + +<p>Take a packet of fine selected early English, containing +no words but such as are obsolete and unintelligible.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span> +Pour this into about double the quantity of entirely new +English, which must have never been used before, and +which you must compose yourself, fresh as it is wanted. +Mix these together thoroughly till they assume a colour +quite different from any tongue that was ever spoken, +and the material will be ready for use.</p> + +<p>Determine the number of stanzas of which your poem +shall consist, and select a corresponding number of the +most archaic or most peculiar words in your vocabulary, +allotting one of these to each stanza; and pour in the +other words round them, until the entire poem is filled +in.</p> + +<p>This kind of composition is usually cast in shapes. +These, though not numerous—amounting in all to something +under a dozen—it would take too long to describe +minutely here: and a short visit to Mr. ——'s shop in +King street, where they are kept in stock, would +explain the whole of them. A favourite one, however, +is the following, which is of very easy construction. Take +three damozels, dressed in straight night-gowns. Pull +their hair-pins out, and let their hair tumble all about +their shoulders. A few stars may be sprinkled into this +with advantage. Place an aureole about the head of +each, and give each a lily in her hand, about half the size +of herself. Bend their necks all different ways, and set +them in a row before a stone wall, with an apple-tree +between each and some large flowers at their feet. +Trees and flowers of the right sort are very plentiful +in church windows. When you have arranged all these<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span> +objects rightly, take a cast of them in the softest part of +your brain, and pour in your word-composition as above +described.</p> + +<p>This kind of poem is much improved by what is +called a burden. This consists of a few jingling words, +generally of an archaic character, about which we have +only to be careful that they have no reference to the +subject of the poem they are to ornament. They are +inserted without variation between the stanzas.</p> + +<p>In conclusion we would remark to beginners that this +sort of composition must be attempted only in a perfectly +vacant atmosphere; so that no grains of common-sense +may injure the work whilst in progress.</p> + +<h3><a name="HOW_TO_WRITE_A_NARRATIVE_POEM_LIKE_MR_MORRIS" id="HOW_TO_WRITE_A_NARRATIVE_POEM_LIKE_MR_MORRIS"></a>HOW TO WRITE A NARRATIVE POEM LIKE MR. MORRIS.</h3> + +<p>Take about sixty pages-full of the same word-mixture +as that described in the preceding; and dilute it +with a double quantity of mild modern Anglo-Saxon. +Pour this composition into two vessels of equal size, and +into one of these empty a small mythological story. If +this does not put your readers to sleep soon enough, add +to it the rest of the language, in the remaining vessel.</p> + +<h3><a name="HOW_TO_WRITE_A_SATANIC_POEM_LIKE_THE_LATE_LORD_BYRON" id="HOW_TO_WRITE_A_SATANIC_POEM_LIKE_THE_LATE_LORD_BYRON"></a>HOW TO WRITE A SATANIC POEM LIKE THE LATE LORD BYRON.</h3> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>(<i>This recipe is inserted for the benefit of those poets who desire to attain +what is called originality. This is only to be got by following some model +of a past generation, which has ceased to be made use of by the public at +large. We do not however recommend this course, feeling sure that all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span> +writers in the end will derive far more real satisfaction from producing +fashionable, than original verses; which two things it is impossible to do +at one and the same time.</i>)</p></div> + +<p>Take a couple of fine deadly sins; and let them hang +before your eyes until they become racy. Then take +them down, dissect them, and stew them for some time +in a solution of weak remorse; after which they are to +be devilled with mock-despair.</p> + +<h3><a name="HOW_TO_WRITE_A_PATRIOTIC_POEM_LIKE_MR_SWINBURNE" id="HOW_TO_WRITE_A_PATRIOTIC_POEM_LIKE_MR_SWINBURNE"></a>HOW TO WRITE A PATRIOTIC POEM LIKE MR. SWINBURNE.</h3> + +<p>Take one blaspheming patriot, who has been hung or +buried for some time, together with the oppressed country +belonging to him. Soak these in a quantity of +rotten sentiment, till they are completely sodden; and +in the mean while get ready an indefinite number of +Christian kings and priests. Kick these till they are +nearly dead; add copiously broken fragments of the +Catholic church, and mix all together thoroughly. +Place them in a heap upon the oppressed country; season +plentifully with very coarse expressions; and on +the top carefully arrange your patriot, garnished with +laurel or with parsley; surround with artificial hopes +for the future, which are never meant to be tasted. +This kind of poem is cooked in verbiage, flavoured with +Liberty, the taste of which is much heightened by the +introduction of a few high gods, and the game of Fortune. +The amount of verbiage which Liberty is capable +of flavouring, is practically infinite.</p> + +<hr /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="CONCLUSION" id="CONCLUSION"></a>CONCLUSION.</h2> + +<div class="figdrop"> +<img src="images/005.png" width="61" height="58" alt="W" title="W" /> +</div><p class="cap"><span class="dcap">e</span> regret to have to offer this work to the public +in its present incomplete state, the whole of +that part treating of the most recent section +of modern poetry, <i>viz.</i>, the blasphemous and the obscene, +being entirely wanting. It was found necessary to issue +this from an eminent publishing firm in Holywell street, +Strand, where by an unforeseen casualty, the whole of +the first edition was seized by the police, and is at present +in the hands of the Society for the Suppression of +Vice. We incline however to trust that this loss will +have but little effect; as indecency and profanity are +things in which, even to the dullest, external instruction +is a luxury, rather than a necessity. Those of our +readers, who, either from sense, self-respect, or other +circumstances, are in need of a special training in these +subjects, will find excellent professors of them in any +public-house, during the late hours of the evening; +where the whole sum and substance of the fieriest school +of modern poetry is delivered nightly; needing only a +little dressing and flavouring with artificial English to +turn it into very excellent verse.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Every Man His Own Poet, by Newdigate Prizeman + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK EVERY MAN HIS OWN POET *** + +***** This file should be named 24083-h.htm or 24083-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/0/8/24083/ + +Produced by K. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Every Man His Own Poet + Or, The Inspired Singer's Recipe Book + +Author: Newdigate Prizeman + +Release Date: December 31, 2007 [EBook #24083] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK EVERY MAN HIS OWN POET *** + + + + +Produced by K. Nordquist, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + + + + + + + + + EVERY MAN + HIS OWN POET. + + + + + EVERY MAN HIS OWN POET: + + OR, + + The Inspired Singer's Recipe Book. + + + BY A + + NEWDIGATE PRIZEMAN. + + + + Nuper ventosa isthaec et enormis loquacitas animos juvenum ad magna + surgentes veluti pestilenti quodam sidere afflavit.--PETRONIUS. + + + + Oxford: + THOS. SHRIMPTON & SON, BROAD STREET. + 1872. + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + + Minor typographical errors have been corrected without note. A table + of contents, though not present in the original publication, has + been provided below: + + INTRODUCTION. + OF THE NATURE OF POETRY. + RECIPES. + HOW TO MAKE AN ORDINARY LOVE POEM. + HOW TO MAKE A PATHETIC MARINE POEM. + HOW TO WRITE AN EPIC POEM LIKE MR. TENNYSON. + HOW TO WRITE A POEM LIKE MR. MATTHEW ARNOLD. + HOW TO WRITE A POEM LIKE MR. BROWNING. + HOW TO WRITE A MODERN PRE-RAPHAELITE POEM. + HOW TO WRITE A NARRATIVE POEM LIKE MR. MORRIS. + HOW TO WRITE A SATANIC POEM LIKE THE LATE LORD BYRON. + HOW TO WRITE A PATRIOTIC POEM LIKE MR. SWINBURNE. + CONCLUSION. + + + + +INTRODUCTION. + + +To have attempted in former times a work of this description, would have +seemed, we cannot deny, to savour either of presumption or of idiotcy, +or more probably of both. And rightly. But we live in times of progress. +The mystery of yesterday is the common-place of to-day; the Bible, which +was Newton's oracle, is Professor Huxley's jest-book; and students at +the University now lose a class for not being familiar with opinions, +which but twenty years ago they would have been expelled for dreaming +of. Everything is moving onward swiftly and satisfactorily; and if, when +we have made all faiths fail, we can only contrive to silence the +British Association, and so make all knowledge vanish away, there will +lack nothing but the presence of a perfect charity to turn the +nineteenth century into a complete kingdom of heaven. Amongst changes, +then, so great and so hopeful--amongst the discoveries of the rights of +women, the infallibility of the Pope, and the physical basis of life, it +may well be doubted if the great fathers of ancient song would find, if +they could come back to us, anything out of the way or ludicrous in a +recipe-book for concocting poetry. + +Some, indeed, object that poetry is not progressive. But on what grounds +this assertion is based, it is not possible to conjecture. Poetry is as +much progressive as anything else in these days of progress. +Free-thought itself shews scarcely more strikingly those three great +stages which mark advance and movement. For poetry, like Free-thought, +was first a work of inspiration, secondly of science, and lastly now of +trick. At its first stage it was open to only here and there a genius; +at its next to all intelligent men; and at its third to all the human +race. Thus, just as there is no boy now, but can throw stones at the +windows which Bishop Colenso has broken, so there is scarcely even a +young lady but can raise flowers from the seed stolen out of Mr. +Tennyson's garden. + +And surely, whatever, in this its course of change, poetry may have lost +in quality, is more than made up for by what it has gained in quantity. +For in the first place it is far pleasanter to the tastes of a +scientific generation, to understand how to make bad poetry than to +wonder at good; and secondly, as the end of poetry is pleasure, that we +should make it each for ourselves is the very utmost that we can desire, +since it is a fact in which we all agree, that no man's verses please +him so much as his own. + + + + +OF THE NATURE OF POETRY. + + +Poetry as practised by the latest masters, is the art of expressing what +is too foolish, too profane, or too indecent to be expressed in any +other way. And thus, just as a consummate cook will prepare a most +delicate repast out of the most poor materials, so will the modern poet +concoct us a most popular poem from the weakest emotions, and the most +tiresome platitudes. The only difference is, that the cook would prefer +good materials if he could get them, whilst the modern poet will take +the bad from choice. As far, however, as the nature of materials goes, +those which the two artists work with are the same--_viz._, animals, +vegetables, and spirits. It was the practice of Shakespeare and other +earlier masters to make use of all these together, mixing them in +various proportions. But the moderns have found that it is better and +far easier to employ each separately. Thus Mr. Swinburne uses very +little else but animal matter in the composition of his dishes, which it +must be confessed are somewhat unwholesome in consequence: whilst the +late Mr. Wordsworth, on the contrary, confined himself almost +exclusively to the confection of primrose pudding, and flint soup, +flavoured with the lesser-celandine; and only now and then a beggar-boy +boiled down in it to give it a colour. The robins and drowned lambs +which he was wont to use, when an additional piquancy was needed, were +employed so sparingly that they did not destroy in the least the general +vegetable tone of his productions; and these form in consequence an +unimpeachable lenten diet. It is difficult to know what to say of Mr. +Tennyson, as the milk and water of which his books are composed chiefly, +make it almost impossible to discover what was the original nature of +the materials he has boiled down in it. Mr. Shelley, too, is perhaps +somewhat embarrassing to classify; as, though spirits are what he +affected most, he made use of a large amount of vegetable matter also. +We shall be probably not far wrong in describing his material as a kind +of methylated spirits; or pure psychic alcohol, strongly tinctured with +the barks of trees, and rendered below proof by a quantity of sea-water. +In this division of the poets, however, into animalists, spiritualists, +and vegetarians, we must not be discouraged by any such difficulties as +these; but must bear in mind that in whatever manner we may neatly +classify anything, the exceptions and special cases will always far +outnumber those to which our rule applies. + +But in fact, at present, mere theory may be set entirely aside: for +although in the case of action, the making and adhering to a theory may +be the surest guide to inconsistency and absurdity, in poetry these +results can be obtained without such aid. + +The following recipes, compiled from a careful analysis of the best +authors, will be found, we trust, efficient guides for the composition +of genuine poems. But the tyro must bear always in mind that there is no +royal road to anything, and that not even the most explicit directions +will make a poet all at once of even the most fatuous, the most +sentimental, or the most profane. + + + + +RECIPES. + + +The following are arranged somewhat in the order in which the student is +recommended to begin his efforts. About the more elaborate ones, which +come later, he may use his own discretion as to which he will try first; +but he must previously have had some training in the simpler +compositions, with which we deal before all others. These form as it +were a kind of palaestra of folly, a very short training in which will +suffice to break down that stiffness and self-respect in the soul, which +is so incompatible with modern poetry. Taking, therefore, the silliest +and commonest of all kinds of verse, and the one whose sentiments come +most readily to hand in vulgar minds, we begin with directions, + + +HOW TO MAKE AN ORDINARY LOVE POEM. + +Take two large and tender human hearts, which match one another +perfectly. Arrange these close together, but preserve them from actual +contact by placing between them some cruel barrier. Wound them both in +several places, and insert through the openings thus made a fine +stuffing of wild yearnings, hopeless tenderness, and a general +admiration for stars. Then completely cover up one heart with a +sufficient quantity of chill church-yard mould, which may be garnished +according to taste with dank waving weeds or tender violets: and +promptly break over it the other heart. + + +HOW TO MAKE A PATHETIC MARINE POEM. + +This kind of poem has the advantage of being easily produced, yet being +at the same time pleasing, and not unwholesome. As, too, it admits of no +variety, the chance of going wrong in it is very small. Take one +midnight storm, and one fisherman's family, which, if the poem is to be +a real success, should be as large and as hungry as possible, and must +contain at least one innocent infant. Place this last in a cradle, with +the mother singing over it, being careful that the babe be dreaming of +angels, or else smiling sweetly. Stir the father well up in the storm +until he disappears. Then get ready immediately a quantity of cruel +crawling foam, in which serve up the father directly on his +re-appearance, which is sure to take place in an hour or two, in the +dull red morning. This done, a charming saline effervescence will take +place amongst the remainder of the family. Pile up the agony to suit the +palate, and the poem will be ready for perusal. + + +HOW TO WRITE AN EPIC POEM LIKE MR. TENNYSON. + + (_The following, apart from its intrinsic utility, forms in itself a + great literary curiosity, being the original directions from which + the Poet Laureate composed the Arthurian Idylls._) + +To compose an epic, some writers instruct us first to catch our hero. +As, however, Mr. Carlyle is the only person on record who has ever +performed this feat, it will be best for the rest of mankind to be +content with the nearest approach to a hero available, namely a prig. +These animals are very plentiful, and easy to catch, as they delight in +being run after. There are however many different kinds, not all equally +fit for the present purpose, and amongst which it is very necessary to +select the right one. Thus, for instance, there is the scientific and +atheistical prig, who may be frequently observed eluding notice between +the covers of the "Westminster Review;" the Anglican prig, who is often +caught exposing himself in the "Guardian;" the Ultramontane prig, who +abounds in the "Dublin Review;" the scholarly prig, who twitters among +the leaves of the "Academy;" and the Evangelical prig, who converts the +heathen, and drinks port wine. None of these, and least of all the last, +will serve for the central figure, in the present class of poem. The +only one entirely suitable is the blameless variety. Take, then, one +blameless prig. Set him upright in the middle of a round table, and +place beside him a beautiful wife, who cannot abide prigs. Add to these, +one marred goodly man; and tie the three together in a bundle with a +link or two of Destiny. Proceed, next, to surround this group with a +large number of men and women of the nineteenth century, in fancy-ball +costume, flavoured with a great many very possible vices, and a few +impossible virtues. Stir these briskly about for two volumes, to the +great annoyance of the blameless prig, who is, however, to be kept +carefully below swearing-point, for the whole time. If he once boils +over into any natural action or exclamation, he is forthwith worthless, +and you must get another. Next break the wife's reputation into small +pieces; and dust them well over the blameless prig. Then take a few +vials of tribulation and wrath, and empty these generally over the whole +ingredients of your poem: and, taking the sword of the heathen, cut into +small pieces the greater part of your minor characters. Then wound +slightly the head of the blameless prig; remove him suddenly from the +table, and keep in a cool barge for future use. + + +HOW TO WRITE A POEM LIKE MR. MATTHEW ARNOLD. + +Take one soulfull of involuntary unbelief, which has been previously +well flavoured with self-satisfied despair. Add to this one beautiful +text of Scripture. Mix these well together; and as soon as ebullition +commences grate in finely a few regretful allusions to the New Testament +and the lake of Tiberias, one constellation of stars, half-a-dozen +allusions to the nineteenth century, one to Goethe, one to Mont Blanc, +or the Lake of Geneva; and one also, if possible, to some personal +bereavement. Flavour the whole with a mouthful of "faiths" and +"infinites," and a mixed mouthful of "passions," "finites," and +"yearnings." This class of poem is concluded usually with some question, +about which we have to observe only that it shall be impossible to +answer. + + +HOW TO WRITE A POEM LIKE MR. BROWNING. + +Take rather a coarse view of things in general. In the midst of this, +place a man and a woman, her and her ankles, tastefully arranged on a +slice of Italy, or the country about Pornic. Cut an opening across the +breast of each, until the soul becomes visible, but be very careful that +none of the body be lost during the operation. Pour into each breast as +much as it will hold of the new strong wine of love: and, for fear they +should take cold by exposure, cover them quickly up with a quantity of +obscure classical quotations, a few familiar allusions to an unknown +period of history, and a half-destroyed fresco by an early master, +varied every now and then with a reference to the fugues or toccatas of +a quite-forgotten composer. + +If the poem be still intelligible, take a pen and remove carefully all +the necessary particles. + + +HOW TO WRITE A MODERN PRE-RAPHAELITE POEM. + +Take a packet of fine selected early English, containing no words but +such as are obsolete and unintelligible. Pour this into about double +the quantity of entirely new English, which must have never been used +before, and which you must compose yourself, fresh as it is wanted. Mix +these together thoroughly till they assume a colour quite different from +any tongue that was ever spoken, and the material will be ready for use. + +Determine the number of stanzas of which your poem shall consist, and +select a corresponding number of the most archaic or most peculiar words +in your vocabulary, allotting one of these to each stanza; and pour in +the other words round them, until the entire poem is filled in. + +This kind of composition is usually cast in shapes. These, though not +numerous--amounting in all to something under a dozen--it would take too +long to describe minutely here: and a short visit to Mr. ----'s shop in +King street, where they are kept in stock, would explain the whole of +them. A favourite one, however, is the following, which is of very easy +construction. Take three damozels, dressed in straight night-gowns. Pull +their hair-pins out, and let their hair tumble all about their +shoulders. A few stars may be sprinkled into this with advantage. Place +an aureole about the head of each, and give each a lily in her hand, +about half the size of herself. Bend their necks all different ways, and +set them in a row before a stone wall, with an apple-tree between each +and some large flowers at their feet. Trees and flowers of the right +sort are very plentiful in church windows. When you have arranged all +these objects rightly, take a cast of them in the softest part of your +brain, and pour in your word-composition as above described. + +This kind of poem is much improved by what is called a burden. This +consists of a few jingling words, generally of an archaic character, +about which we have only to be careful that they have no reference to +the subject of the poem they are to ornament. They are inserted without +variation between the stanzas. + +In conclusion we would remark to beginners that this sort of composition +must be attempted only in a perfectly vacant atmosphere; so that no +grains of common-sense may injure the work whilst in progress. + + +HOW TO WRITE A NARRATIVE POEM LIKE MR. MORRIS. + +Take about sixty pages-full of the same word-mixture as that described +in the preceding; and dilute it with a double quantity of mild modern +Anglo-Saxon. Pour this composition into two vessels of equal size, and +into one of these empty a small mythological story. If this does not put +your readers to sleep soon enough, add to it the rest of the language, +in the remaining vessel. + + +HOW TO WRITE A SATANIC POEM LIKE THE LATE LORD BYRON. + + (_This recipe is inserted for the benefit of those poets who desire + to attain what is called originality. This is only to be got by + following some model of a past generation, which has ceased to be + made use of by the public at large. We do not however recommend this + course, feeling sure that all writers in the end will derive far + more real satisfaction from producing fashionable, than original + verses; which two things it is impossible to do at one and the same + time._) + +Take a couple of fine deadly sins; and let them hang before your eyes +until they become racy. Then take them down, dissect them, and stew them +for some time in a solution of weak remorse; after which they are to be +devilled with mock-despair. + + +HOW TO WRITE A PATRIOTIC POEM LIKE MR. SWINBURNE. + +Take one blaspheming patriot, who has been hung or buried for some time, +together with the oppressed country belonging to him. Soak these in a +quantity of rotten sentiment, till they are completely sodden; and in +the mean while get ready an indefinite number of Christian kings and +priests. Kick these till they are nearly dead; add copiously broken +fragments of the Catholic church, and mix all together thoroughly. Place +them in a heap upon the oppressed country; season plentifully with very +coarse expressions; and on the top carefully arrange your patriot, +garnished with laurel or with parsley; surround with artificial hopes +for the future, which are never meant to be tasted. This kind of poem is +cooked in verbiage, flavoured with Liberty, the taste of which is much +heightened by the introduction of a few high gods, and the game of +Fortune. The amount of verbiage which Liberty is capable of flavouring, +is practically infinite. + + + + +CONCLUSION. + + +We regret to have to offer this work to the public in its present +incomplete state, the whole of that part treating of the most recent +section of modern poetry, _viz._, the blasphemous and the obscene, being +entirely wanting. It was found necessary to issue this from an eminent +publishing firm in Holywell street, Strand, where by an unforeseen +casualty, the whole of the first edition was seized by the police, and +is at present in the hands of the Society for the Suppression of Vice. +We incline however to trust that this loss will have but little effect; +as indecency and profanity are things in which, even to the dullest, +external instruction is a luxury, rather than a necessity. Those of our +readers, who, either from sense, self-respect, or other circumstances, +are in need of a special training in these subjects, will find excellent +professors of them in any public-house, during the late hours of the +evening; where the whole sum and substance of the fieriest school of +modern poetry is delivered nightly; needing only a little dressing and +flavouring with artificial English to turn it into very excellent +verse. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Every Man His Own Poet, by Newdigate Prizeman + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK EVERY MAN HIS OWN POET *** + +***** This file should be named 24083.txt or 24083.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/0/8/24083/ + +Produced by K. 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