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diff --git a/24414-8.txt b/24414-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..79af8b5 --- /dev/null +++ b/24414-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2349 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Punch, or the London Charivari, June 10, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, June 10, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: January 24, 2008 [EBook #24414] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JUNE 10, 1914 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 146. + + + +June 10, 1914 + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +Mr. Redmond is said to have vigorously opposed the suggestion that +British troops should be sent to Durazzo on the ground that the present +is not a time when our home defences should be weakened. + + *** + +The presence of some ladies on the Holyhead links disturbed Mr. Lloyd +George to such an extent, one day last week, that he foozled a shot, and +it is reported that the Government is at last contemplating serious +steps against the Suffragettes. + + *** + + "Lord Strathcona's Seat for Sale." + + _Daily Mail._ + +We would respectfully draw Mr. Masterman's attention to the above. + + *** + +Europe's G.O.M., the Emperor Francis Joseph, is now so well that his +doctor's visits have been discontinued, but the statement that he went +for a long ride last week on a motor-bicycle is declared to be an +exaggeration. + + *** + +According to _The Express_ there was some little unpleasantness in Paris +last week owing to the Chairman of the London County Council claiming +precedence over the Lord Mayor. It is thought that this could never have +happened had the Lord Mayor taken his coachman with him. + + *** + +Corsica is now claiming that Columbus was born there, and not in Genoa, +and there is much evidence to prove that the claim is well-founded. +Still, it seems a little bit greedy of Corsica, which already has some +reputation as the birth-place of another distinguished man. It is +possible, however, that Genoa may give way if somebody will reimburse +her for the very heavy expense of her statue of Columbus. + + *** + +Owing to a strike the demand for patent-leather boots for Ascot cannot +be met, and many visitors to this race meeting will have to spend the +day in comfort. + + *** + +The announcement that the Mappin Terraces at the Zoo have now been +opened has, we hear, caused considerable discontent among the animals in +the old-fashioned dens and cages. They consider that these too ought to +be opened. + + *** + +By the way these new quarters are proving so popular among the animals +that there is some talk of advertising them extensively in Central +Africa and other haunts of big game with a view to attracting new +tenants to the Regent's Park Garden City. + + *** + +Regulations for the killing of flies have been issued to the troops at +Aldershot. Curiously enough, artillery is not to be employed. One would +have supposed that this sport might have afforded invaluable training +for bringing down hostile aeroplanes. + + *** + +From a statement just issued we learn that Mr. A. Lock, of Edenbridge, +has slaughtered more than 18,000 queen wasps, and that for eighteen +successive years he has secured premier honours for wasp-killing at a +local horticultural show. Orders, we learn from an exceptionally +well-informed insect, have now been issued to the W. (Wasps) S.P.U. to +sting Mr. Lock on sight. + + *** + +"A census," we read, "is to be taken of all the birds of the United +States by the American Board of Agriculture," but we are not told what +particulars will be asked for. Probably merely name and address, not +religion. + + *** + +"Pygmalion for Threepence" attracted a large number of the working +classes to His Majesty's Theatre in spite of the price being higher than +"A Twopenny Damn." + + *** + +Among the workers' organisations which booked seats was the London Glass +Blowers' Society. Hitherto, we understand, the favourite expression of +the members of this Society has been the innocuous "You be blowed," and +it is sincerely to be hoped that Mr. Shaw's play will not have given +these gentle souls a taste for anything stronger. + + *** + +After holding up an elderly man in broad daylight in an arcade off +Ludgate Hill last week two highwaymen ran away and were captured in the +Old Bailey. It is thought that the homing instinct took them there. + + * * * * * + +A TOAST. + + Hail to the Bard, the simple Bard, + Who wrote the little song, + And to his Muse, who laboured hard + To help the work along. + Health to the Candid Friend also + Who had his word to say, + And to the kindly G.P.O. + That sped it on its way. + + A blessing on the Editor + Who let it see the light; + Likewise the patient Printer, for + He got the colons right; + Here's to the "sub," whose special line + Was spacing it to fit, + And to the cheery Philistine + Who lit his pipe with it. + + * * * * * + +An Empire Day Essay. + +"Dear Teacher,--On Empire day we had a holiday. I had a flag on +Frideday. On Fridday I was very happy, was you Teacher when we had a +holiday." + + * * * * * + + "The King has conferred the Grand Cross of the Victorian Order + on M. Doumergue, the Premier of France." + +And _The Sydney Sun_ heads this "Horrors in France." The Victorian +Order, however, is not really so dangerous as that. + + * * * * * + +THE SIGHTS OF LONDON. + +[Illustration: (_Just after feeding-time--Inner Temple._) + +"Come on, 'Tilda, bring 'im along and let 'im look at the lawyers."] + + * * * * * + +ULSTER FOR SCOTLAND. + +_"Nil mortalibus ardui est."--Q. Horatius Flaccus._ + + When Horace made those sound remarks. + Showing--in spite of Jove's decree-- + How mortals rode in impious arks + Transilient o'er the sacred sea, + How there was not beneath the sun + A task so tough but what he'd back us + Somehow to go and see it done + (Such was the _flair_ of Flaccus); + + Little he guessed how wind and tide + Should be the sport of human skill; + How steel and steam should mock their pride + And get the deep reduced to _nil_; + How we should come in course of years, + Either by cable or Marconi, + To hold across the hemispheres + A conversazione. + + He'd learn with even more surprise + That, after working all this while + On ways and means to minimise + The severance of isle and isle, + Erin we find as far away, + As rudely severed by a windy sea, + As Athens seemed in Horace' day + From old Brundusium (Brindisi). + + Strange, too, in yonder hybrid land + This myth about a racial knot + Binding the gay Hibernian and + The dourly earnest Ulster-Scot-- + Neighbours whose one and only link + (A foil to their profound disparity) + Is--thanks to some volcanic kink-- + A common insularity. + + Come, let us down this myth in dust; + Let statesmen's time no more be spent + To fake a "race" from what is just + A geologic accident; + Let a great brig across the strait, + Where Scot to Scot may freely pass, go, + And Ulster find her natural mate + In consanguineous Glasgow. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +A HAZARD ON THE HOME GREEN. + +Standing on our front door-step you can see our garden running down at a +moderate speed to our front gate. Or, conversely, standing at the front +gate, you can see it mounting in a leisurely fashion to the front door. +In either case it consists of two narrow strips of lawn bisected by a +well-kept perambulator drive. Beyond the grass on either side blooms a +profusion of bless-my-soul-if-I-haven't-forgotten-agains and other +quaintly named old-world English flowers. On the left-hand strip of +lawn, looking gatewards, is the metal pin to which the captive golf-ball +is tied. On the right is the pear-tree, to which later on we have to +affix a captive pear. + +"What I like about the garden," I said to Araminta when we first moved +in, "is the fact that it is in front, so that visitors, instead of +saying in a perfunctory way, 'Have you got a garden, too? How +delightful!' will be forced to murmur, 'How sweet the clover smelt on +your lawn as we came up the drive. What a perfectly entrancing +golf-ball.' If I must go to the trouble and expense of keeping up a +private pleasaunce I want everybody to see the pleasantry of it at +once." + +"Swank," replied Araminta. She is absurdly early-Georgian in the matter +of repartee. + +Last Saturday I determined to mow the lawn. I put on my oldest suit of +clothes with the now fashionable slit-trouser leg, fastened the green +bonnet to the front of the car, and wheeled it out of the tool garage. +Araminta went out, saying airily that she would be back to tea. After a +little trouble I induced the instrument to graze the left-hand pasture +as far as the hobbled Colonel. Then, feeling that my shoulders wanted +opening a bit, I went indoors and fetched a brassie-spoon. I suppose I +must have been striking with unusual vehemence, but anyway, in playing a +good second to the fourteenth green, I sent the pin flying out of the +ground. The Colonel broke his parole and dashed rapidly to the topmost +boughs of the pear-tree on the right, carrying the rest of the apparatus +with him. There was nothing to do but to follow him, spoon in hand. + +It was soon evident that the pear-tree had been over-looked during +spring-cleaning, for the foliage, though very luxuriant, was in an +extremely soiled condition. + +I had just located the deserter when I heard feminine voices of unknown +proprietorship. It is the habit of quick masterful decisions in +important crises that has given to Englishmen an empire on which the sun +never holes out, and I decided instantly to remain where I was. If it +had been a mashie I might have faced them, but a brassie-spoon out of a +lie like that--no. + +The callers came slowly up the path, rang the bell, chattered to the +servant, left cards, and retired. Without much trouble I could have +brained them with the brassie-spoon as they passed beneath me. But some +odd impulse of chivalry restrained me. It is blunders like these that +have wrecked the plans of the greatest generals. Just as they opened the +gate who should appear but--of course--Araminta? "Oh, I'm so glad I've +caught you!" she cried. "You _must_ stay and have tea now. We'll have it +in the garden. My husband's somewhere about. He said he was going to mow +the lawn, but I suppose he was too lazy." Lazy, indeed! Ha, ha! So like +a woman. + +Peering angrily with one eye out of my leafy ambush, I tried hard to +attract Araminta's attention, but all in vain. Chairs were brought out +and tea came with some particularly cool-looking sandwiches; cups were +filled; spoons clinked; steadily the afternoon wore on. Flecks of fleecy +white cloud chased each other in the blue-domed heaven above me. From +far away rose the hum of the mighty city. In the next-door garden but +two I could see a happy family circle partaking of light sustenance. I +think it was nearly an hour-and-a-half before those infernal women left. +Araminta conducted them to the gate, said a lingering good-bye, and +wafted them down the road with wavings and smiles. When they were safely +off the premises I slithered down and confronted her, looking dignified +and stern, still holding the ball in one hand and the wooden club in the +other. + +Instead of bursting into tears, as I had expected, she went off into a +fit of idiotic giggles. "You--you don't mean to say you've been up in +that tree all tea-time! You are too funny. And you've got a great black +splodge over one eye. Do go and wash." + +With an effort I controlled my rage. "In future," I said coldly, "when I +am--er--mowing the lawn, visitors will be served with tea in the second +drawing-room." + +"All right, dear," said Araminta; "and in future, when you are mowing +the lawn, you shall have yours taken up into the pear-tree." + +Women have no sense of humour. + + * * * * * + +GIANTS REFRESHED. + +[Illustration: Our Leaders. "ENOUGH OF DEEDS! LET'S GET TO WORDS!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Son (lately returned from big game shooting in Africa)._ +"There I stood, the ferocious beast facing me, not a yard away--a +situation needing such calmness and courage as in this quiet little +suburb, my dear mother, you would never be called upon to display." + +_Parlourmaid._ "If you please, 'M, there's another bison in the kitchen. +What would you wish done with it?" + +_Mother (accustomed to Cockney accent)._ "Put it in Mr. Jack's room, +Beatrice, and take away the one that's chipped."] + + * * * * * + +TO BE OVERHEARD DAILY. + +Scene--_A Restaurant._ + +_First Luncher._ Waiter, bring me the bill, please. + +_Waiter._ Yes, Sir. + +_Second Luncher._ No, I say, old man, this is mine. Waiter, bring the +bill to me. + +_W._ Yes, Sir. + +_F. L._ No, waiter, it's mine. + +_S. L._ My dear old chap---- + +_F. L._ Yes, it's mine. Get it, waiter. + +_W._ Yes, Sir. + +_S. L._ But I asked you. + +_F. L._ No, I asked you. + +_S. L._ Yes, but I asked you first. + +_F. L._ That doesn't matter. + +_S. L._ Of course it does. And I've been doing all the ordering too. + +_F. L._ That's all right. I'm glad you have. You do it very well. + +_S. L._ Well, I want to pay. + +_F. L._ Oh, no, my dear fellow. It's my lunch. I've been feeling like +the host all the time. + +_S. L._ So have I. I haven't felt like a guest at all. It's my bill. + +_F. L._ I couldn't hear of it. You came here to lunch with me. + +_S. L._ Upon my soul, I thought you were lunching with me. I asked you, +you know. + +_F. L._ You can't deny I asked you; I said, "We'll lunch together next +Thursday," didn't I? + +_S. L._ That's all right, but I swear I asked you first. It was because +I had asked you that you said what you said. + +_F. L._ Well, I look on it as my lunch, anyway. + +_S. L._ Then why did you let me order the things and send back that +wine? + +_F. L._ That's all right, old man. You've been lunching with me to-day. +Next time I'll lunch with you. + +_S. L._ I'm not satisfied with it. I consider this my lunch. + +_F. L._ No, no. It's mine. Here's the waiter. + +_S. L._ Waiter, let me have that. + +_F. L._ No, waiter, give it to me. + +_S. L. (snatching the bill, glancing at it, and hastily slamming down a +sovereign)._ That's all right, waiter. Keep the change. + +_W._ Yes, Sir; thank you, Sir. + +_F. L._ Waiter, don't take that money. This is my affair. + +_W._ Yes, Sir. + +_S. L._ It's all over now, old chap. It's paid. Come along. (_Gets up._) + +_F. L. (producing a sovereign)._ That's for the bill, waiter. I don't +know anything about that other money. + +_S. L._ But it's paid. It's done with. + +_F. L._ Oh, no. You mustn't do that. It's my lunch. I asked you, you +know. Why, I told my wife this morning that you were lunching with me +to-day. + +_S. L._ I asked you first, you know. + +_F. L._ I don't think so, old chap; I don't indeed. + +_S. L._ I assure you I never had a shadow of doubt about it. I took it +for granted that you knew you were lunching with me and I was the host. +Otherwise should I have made that fuss about the omelette? Should I now? + +_F. L._ I was very glad you did. I felt that you felt at home. + +_S. L._ It puts me in such an awkward position. Really, I should take it +as a personal favour if you'd let me pay. + +_F. L._ No, no. No, no. This is my affair. I asked you. + +_S. L._ I asked you first. + +_F. L._ No, no. No, no. Come along. Here's your sovereign. + +_S. L._ Well, I consent, but under protest. Next time you really lunch +with me. + +_F. L._ Right-o. I'd love to. + + * * * * * + + "Lines of an alliterative character will occur to anyone who has + read much poetry. There is a notable example in Shelley's + 'Skylark.' + + 'Singing still dost roar, and roaring ever singest.'" + + _Dublin Sunday Independent._ + +A man we know does this much better than any skylark. + + * * * * * + +_The Daily Chronicle_ (of Kingston, Jamaica) informs its readers that +"According to Theopompus, a waiter of the fourth century B.C., the +Epirots were divided into fourteen independent tubes." The waiters of +Epirus must have found this a great convenience when ordering meals from +the kitchen. + + * * * * * + +SOUR GOATS! + +[Illustration: (_An Imaginary Idyll of the Mappin Terraces at the +Zoo._)] + + * * * * * + +BLANCHE'S LETTERS. + +Vagaries of the Moment. + +_Park Lane._ + +Dearest Daphne,--This is completely a _jewel_ season. People may be just +as glittery as they like. Heads, necks and arms don't monopolise the +pretty-pretties now, and, what with jewelled tunics, girdles, shoes, +stockings and "_Honi soits_," as well as gems on what little corsage and +skirt one may be wearing, one's jewel-box may be quite _quite_ emptied +every evening. Indeed, if we hadn't plenty of jewels I sometimes wonder, +my dear, what our _grande toilette_ would consist of! And this has led +to the launching of "Olga's" latest triumph, the lock-up evening wrap--a +charming affair, thickly plated with sequins and fastening with the +dearest little _real_ locks all down the front from the throat to the +toes! + +_À propos_, Beryl Clarges had such a darling adventure the other night. +She came out of the opera, meaning to go on to the Flummerys' and one or +two more places, with all her pretty-pretties on, and fastened securely +into her lock-up wrap. She got into her car suspecting nothing. But it +wasn't her own chauffeur and footman at all, Daphne! It was two +delicious robbers who'd managed to get possession of her car; and they +drove her out to Hampstead Heath and held a pistol to her head and said, +"Now, my lady, you've got on about thirty-thousand pound worth of +sparklers. Hand 'em over quietly and we won't hurt you." And Beryl +didn't turn a hair (she says) but answered, "You silly boys! I'm locked +into 'Olga's' new thief-proof wrap and you can't get anything but my +shoes. My maid always locks me in and lets me out, and she's got the +keys and you've left her behind!" And they tried to wrench the wrap +open, but it resisted, and Beryl put in some piercing g's in alt., and +help came and the robbers fled. And now she's the woman of the moment, +and her picture, standing on Hampstead Heath in her lock-up wrap, +defying ten robbers, is in all the weeklies. + +Some people say it was all managed by her publicity agent, and others +declare it was a put-up thing between Beryl and "Olga." Anyhow, the new +"_manteau de sûreté_" is absolutely booming, and _entre nous_, _chérie_, +people who never wear anything more valuable than sequins and paste are +quite falling over each other to get thief-proof wraps! + +There's quite a little rage among girls just now for _boxing_. Juno +Farrington, the Southlands' girl, is responsible for it. She's been the +acknowledged leader of the _jeunes filles_ since she first came out and +has set the fashion among them in everything, from inventing a new +cocktail to chaperoning her chaperon. (It was Juno who first started the +custom at parties of doing all the after-supper dances in the street and +finishing up the night at an early coffee-stall.) The Duchess of +Southlands was making her little moan to me the other day, and I told +her she ought to be so proud of dear Juno having _temperament_ and +_personality_. "Temperament and personality are all very well, Blanche," +said the dear little invertebrate woman, "but worried mothers wish they +didn't develop till after marriage! If Juno's grandmamma knew how +_modern_ she is she'd leave everything she has to charity." Indeed it's +a constant effort for her parents to hide their girl's modernity from +the dowager--a dear old disapproving piece of antiquity whose youth +dates from remote ages of blushing, fainting, accomplishments and +downcast eyes. She's an immense fortune to leave, and Juno (so far) is +her heiress; but the girl seriously imperilled her prospects during the +very last visit the Southlands had from the dowager. The latter was +doing her everlasting knitting one day when she called out, "Here, Juno, +child, come and help me. I've dropped a stitch." And Juno went to her +and looked about on the floor and said, "Where did you drop it, Gran? I +don't see it anywhere!" + +I'd a little dinner-dance on Thursday and Juno was one of several girls +who brought their mothers. "Oh, my hat and feathers!" she called out as +she looked over the menu; "none of your _à la_ dishes for _this_ child! +Sorry, old girl, but I'm in training. Will you order broiled steak and +pale ale for me? I'm going to box Tricky Sal, the coloured girl-boxer +from the Other Side. Wonder how she'll like my upper-cut and left-hand +jab! Isn't it glorious, people? I've got my ambition! I'm a White Hope! +See if we don't fill the Colidrome at our Grand Boxing Matinée!" + +"Girlie," pleaded _la mère_, "you're joking! You wouldn't dream of +boxing except before just relations and intimate friends!" "Relations +and intimate friends be _somethinged_!" cried Juno. "I'm going to box in +front of the good old public! And the gate shall go to your Holiday Home +for Melancholy Manicurists, mother dear." "My only one, my Melancholy +Manicurists are quite _quite_ in funds," urged the duchess; "we want +nothing for them." "Don't worry your little head, dear," said Juno; +"they've _got_ to be helped and that's all about it!" + +So the matinée at the Colidrome is to come off. The _pièce de +résistance_ will, of course, be Juno Farrington and Tricky Sal. Then the +Dunstables' two girls, Franky and Freckles, have promised a sparring +match if their mother doesn't get to hear of it down at Dunstable Castle +(they're going out with their aunt this season). Beryl and Babs will +wrestle. And they want me to give a show with the Indian clubs (no one +does them quite as I do, but I'm not a bit vain about it). Every seat is +sold already! + +I believe people never had such a horror of bores and banality as they +have now--owing chiefly to the influence of our Anti-Banalite Club. +Silent dinners, at which one communicates only by wireless, are a good +deal done and are quite nice and restful, the general atmosphere (if +someone tainted with banalism seems inclined to speak) being, "I know +what you're going to say. Please--please--_please_ don't say it!" On a +little dinner of this kind at Bosh and Wee-Wee's last week there +descended a terrible man, a far-away cousin of Wee-Wee's, who hardly +ever leaves his _terres_ in some remote part of the country--the sort of +creature, you know, dearest, who always has a colour and a smile and an +appetite and who writes to the papers to say he's seen a bush growing +upside down or has heard the cuckoo singing in the night or has plucked +and eaten something in his garden in December! He began by _mentioning +the weather_! People quite jumped in their chairs, and Popsy, Lady +Ramsgate, gave a little scream. He followed this up by saying _town +seemed full_; and then, _à propos_ of having run up against a college +friend in town, informed us that _the world was a small place after +all_! When this last enormity was let loose upon us Norty said solemnly, +"Where's the nearest point policeman?" And, instead of taking the hint, +the creature began to hold forth about "that fine body of men, the +London police!" Wee-Wee was in sackcloth and ashes about it afterwards. +She says that sort of thing is in his family. + +I had a serious talk with Norty about the Irish problem yesterday, and +he tells me there's a whisper in the Lobbies that _certain persons_ have +already sold the kinema rights of the first Irish Parliament to a film +company for a _colossal_ sum and, as the money is spent and the company +is _incessantly_ jogging them to deliver the goods, they're bound to put +the thing through! It's said that someone asked a Member of the +Government point-blank whether there was any truth in the rumour, and +was told, "The answer is in the negative-affirmative, Sir!" + +Ever thine, + +Blanche. + + * * * * * + +DISCLAIMERS. + + [Sir Alfred Mond states that there is absolutely no foundation + for the announcement made in some newspapers that a peerage is + to be conferred upon him and that his name is to be included in + the list of this year's birthday honours.--_Daily Chronicle._] + + "No bally fear! + I _won't_ be a peer; + I've given my bond," + Says Sir Alfred Mond; + "But it won't make me scunner + If they elevate Brunner." + + "A belted earldom's far beyond + My poor deserts: it _must be_ Mond. + He's so distinguished, such a stunner + In every sort of way," says Brunner. + + "As a thorough-going democrat + I always travel steerage; + I'd sooner eat my Sunday hat + Than take a nasty Peerage; + Such sops the snobbish crowd may soothe, + But not yours truly, Handel Booth." + + "As a simple Knight + I'm quite all right, + But to make me a peer + Would be rather queer; + It might also disturb + Sir George," says Sir Herb. + + "This time you've backed the winning horse, + I'm bound to be a Duke, of course; + But wait and see--the slightest hitch + Might altogether queer my pitch; + So mum's the word," says Little Tich. + + "The rumours of Our elevation + Are totally without foundation. + On peerages We turn Our backs, + Signed with Our seal, + _Revue_-King Max." + + "He that on frippery sets his heart + May purchase titles such as Bart.; + These garish gauds my spirit spurns, + I'm greater as I am," says Burns. + + "Yon tale aboot ma Coronet + Is comin' off, but not juist yet; + Aw'm haudin' oot for somethin' smarter, + For choice the Thistle or the Garter; + Whichever ribbon is the broader + A'll tak wi' joy," says Harry Lauder. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Voice from Above (to individuals entering house with +burglarious intent)._ "I say, you'd better come again after a while; we +aren't all in bed yet."] + + * * * * * + +THE COMPLETE DRAMATIST. + +II.--Exits and Entrances. + +To the young playwright, the difficulty of getting his characters on to +the stage would seem much less than the difficulty of finding them +something to say when they are there. He writes gaily and without +hesitation "_Enter_ Lord Arthur Fluffinose," and only then begins to +bite the end of his penholder and gaze round his library for +inspiration. Yet it is on that one word "Enter" that his reputation for +dramatic technique will hang. Why did _Lord Arthur Fluffinose_ enter? +The obvious answer, that the firm which is mentioned in the programme as +supplying his trousers would be annoyed if he didn't, is not enough; nor +is it enough to say that the whole plot of the piece hinges on him, and +that without him the drama would languish. What the critic wants to know +is why _Lord Arthur_ chose that very moment to come in--the very moment +when _Lady Larkspur_ was left alone in the oak-beamed hall of Larkspur +Towers. Was it only a coincidence? And if the young dramatist answers +callously, "Yes," it simply shows that he has no feeling for the stage +whatever. In that case I needn't go on with these articles. + +However, it will be more convenient to assume, dear reader, that in your +play _Lord Arthur_ had a good reason for coming in. If that be so, he +must explain it. It won't do to write like this:-- + +_Enter_ Lord Arthur. Lady Larkspur _starts suddenly and turns towards +him._ + +_Lady Larkspur._ Arthur! _You_ here? (_He gives a nod of confirmation. +She pauses a moment, and then with a sudden passionate movement flings +herself into his arms._) Take me away, Arthur. I can't bear this life +any longer. Larkspur bit me again this morning for the _third_ time. I +want to get away from it all. [_Swoons._ + +The subsequent scene may be so pathetic that on the hundredth night it +is still bringing tears to the eyes of the fireman, but you must not +expect to be treated as a serious dramatist. You will see this for +yourself if you consider the passage as it should properly have been +written:-- + +_Enter_ Lord Arthur Fluffinose. Lady Larkspur _looks at him with +amazement._ + +_Lady Larkspur._ Arthur, what are _you_ doing here? + +_Lord Arthur._ I caught the 2.3 from town. It gets in at 3.37, and I +walked over from the station. It's only a mile. (_At this-point he looks +at the grandfather clock in the corner, and the audience, following his +eyes, sees that it is seven minutes to four, which appears delightfully +natural._) I came to tell Larkspur to sell Bungoes. They are going down. + +_Lady Larkspur (folding her hands over her chest and gazing broodingly +at the footlights)._ Larkspur! + +_Lord Arthur (anxiously)._ What is it? (_Suddenly_) Has he been +ill-treating you again? + +_Lady Larkspur (flinging herself into his arms)._ Oh, Arthur, Arthur, he +bit me this morning---- + +And so on. + +But it may well be that _Lord Larkspur_ has an intrigue of his own with +his secretary, _Miss Devereux_, and, if their big scene is to take place +on the stage too, the hall has got to be cleared for them in some way. +Your natural instinct will be to say, "_Exeunt_ Fluffinose _and_ Lady +Larkspur, _R. Enter_ Lord Larkspur _and_ Miss Devereux, _L._" This is +very immature, even if you are quite clear as to which side of the stage +is L. and which is R. You _must_ make the evolutions seem natural. +Thus:--_Enter from the left_ Miss Devereux. + +_She stops in surprise at seeing_ Lord Arthur _and holds out her hand._ + +_Miss D._ Why, Lord Arthur! Whatever---- + +_Lord A._ How d'you do? I've just run down to tell Lord Larkspur to---- + +_Miss D._ He's in the library. At least he---- + +_Lord A. (taking out his watch)._ Ah, then perhaps I'd better---- + +[_Exit by door on left._ + +_Miss D. (to Lady L.)._ Have you seen _The Times_ about here? There is a +set of verses in the Financial Supplement which Lord Larkspur wanted +to----(_She wanders vaguely round the room. Enter _Lord Larkspur_ by +door at back_). Why, here you are! I've just sent Lord Arthur into the +library to---- + +_Lord L._ I went out to speak to the gardener about---- + +_Lady L._ Ah, then I'll go and tell Lord---- + +[_Exit to library, leaving_ Miss Devereux _and_ Lord Larkspur _alone._ + +And there you are. You will, of course, appreciate that the unfinished +sentences not only save time, but also make the manoeuvring very much +more natural. + +So far I have been writing as if you were already in the thick of your +play; but it may well be that the enormous difficulty of getting the +first character on has been too much for you. How, you may be wondering, +are you to begin your masterpiece? + +The answer to this will depend upon the length of the play, for upon the +length depends the hour at which the curtain rises. If yours is an 8.15 +play you may be sure that the stalls will not fill up till 8.30, and you +should therefore let loose the lesser-paid members of the cast on the +opening scene, keeping your fifty-pounders in reserve. In a 9 o'clock +play the audience may be plunged into the drama at once. But this is +much the more difficult thing to do, and for the beginner I should +certainly recommend the 8.15 play, for which the recipe is simple. + +As soon as the lights go down, and while the bald stout gentleman is +kicking our top-hat out of his way, treading heavily on our toes and +wheezing, "Sorry, sorry," as he struggles to his seat, a buzz begins +behind the curtain. What the players are saying is not distinguishable, +but a merry girlish laugh rings out now and then, followed by the short +sardonic chuckle of an obvious man of the world. Then the curtain rises, +and it is apparent that we are assisting at an At Home of considerable +splendour. Most of the characters seem to be on the stage, and for once +we do not ask how they got there. We presume they have all been invited. +Thus you have had no difficulty with your entrances. + +_As the chatter dies down a chord is struck on the piano._ + +_The Bishop of Sploshington (£2 10s. a week)._ Charming. Quite one of my +favourites. Do play it again. [_Relapses into silence for the rest of +the evening._ + +_The Duchess of Southbridge (35s. per week, to_ Lord Reggie). Oh, +Reggie, what _did_ you say? + +_Lord Reggie (putting up his eyeglass--they get five shillings a week +extra if they can manage an eyeglass properly)._ Said I'd bally +well--top-hole--what?--don'cherknow. + +_Lady Evangeline (to_ Lady Violet, _as they walk across the stage)._ Oh, +I _must_ tell you what that funny Mr. Danby said. [_Doesn't._ Lady +Violet, _none the less, trills with happy laughter._ + +_Prince von Ichdien, the well-known Ambassador (loudly, to an unnamed +gentleman)._ What your country ought to do----[_He finishes his remarks +in the lip-language, which the unnamed gentleman seems to understand. At +any rate he nods several times._ + +_There is more girlish laughter, more buzz and more deaf-and-dumb +language. Then_ + +_Lord Tuppeny._ Well, what about auction? + +_Amid murmurs of_ "You'll play, Field-Marshal?" _and_ "Auction, +Archbishop?" _the crowd drifts off, leaving the hero and heroine alone +in the middle of the stage._ + +And then you can begin. + +A. A. M. + + * * * * * + +A THEATRICAL REVIVAL. + +[Illustration: At the Little Theatre Mr. Bertram Forsyth proposes to +reproduce scenes from plays as they were presented 100 or 150 years ago. +He will try, we are told, to restore the old-time atmosphere. An +orange-woman will nightly carry her basket through the theatre.] + + * * * * * + +THE NAKED TRUTH. + +[_A correspondent, having failed to let his property through the +ordinary channels of advertisement, falls back upon "Mr. Punch's" help, +having noticed in his pages several examples of the charm of Commercial +Candour._] + +House to be Sold, with Garage--or can be let alone; detached (owing to +subsidence of soil); standing on its own ground (except for a small +portion which is lying in neighbour's yard). There are three stories: +(1) that it is haunted, (2) that it is unfit for human habitation, (3) +that it is mortgaged up to the hilt. The title is undisputed. + +The house faces N. and S.--or _did_ when last inspected. It commands a +magnificent view of the back gardens of the next street, where a weekly +regatta is held every Monday. For lovers of music there is a piano next +door and five gramophones within audible distance; an organ plays every +Saturday at the house opposite. + +The sky-light affords an unobstructed view of the firmament--not +surpassed in the wilds of Scotland. + +The garden is small, but cannot possibly be overlooked even by the most +short-sighted and unobservant. The soil is very fertile, grass growing +readily under the feet. The presence of the early bird indicates an +abundance of ground game. There is some fine ancient timber in a corner, +possibly the remains of a bicycle shed. + +On the ground floor are three sitting-rooms, each with standing room +also; every one of them is a study. There is no actual smoking-room, but +one can be improvised in a moment by lighting any of the fires. There is +a large attic suitable for a billiard-room for short men. The +wine-cellar contains fifty cubic feet of water, thus ensuring a uniform +temperature; there is a large collection of empty bottles, which could +be left. The water supply is constant, so also are the applications for +rates. The drains on the property are immense. There is gas all over the +house. Summonses are served at the door, and the tradesmen call many +times daily and wait if you are out. + +The owner is obliged to go abroad for private reasons and must dispose +of the property at once. The house, being concrete, can be seen at any +time, or an abstract can be had on application to the Caretaker who is +within--or should be. If not within will be found at the "King's Arms" +next door. For particulars apply to Phibbs and Gammon, Jerry Buildings, +Wapping. + + * * * * * + + "Dr. A. M. Low, of Shepherd's Bush, states that he has + discovered a process by which photographs can be sent four + miles." + + _Daily Express._ + +To show him that the discovery is an old one we are sending him ours. By +special messenger-boy process. + + * * * * * + + "On the concluding day Major Orman and the officers of the + battalion were At Home to the station. The ladies of the latter + assembled in their smallest frocks."--_Rangoon Gazette._ + +And in these days they can be very small indeed. + + * * * * * + +ART AT THE CALEDONIAN MARKET. + +[Illustration: _Art Dealer._ "'Ere y'are--old masters a tanner a time." + +_Collector._ "I'll take this one." + +_Dealer._ "That un's eight'npence, guvnor--it's very near new!"] + + * * * * * + +A SPORTING OFFER. + +(_Written after a contemplation of one of our outer suburbs, and on +hearing of the threatened lock-out in the building trade._) + + Can this be true? that hodmen strike? + The very thought my soul bewilders. + Has Art, has beauty got no spike + To perforate the breasts of builders? + + Her bricky teeth flung far and wide, + On virgin fields my London browses, + The amaranthine plains are pied + With nutty little bijou houses. + + Here Daphne makes the junket set + Or squeezes from the curd the pale whey, + And drone of bees holies the Met- + ropolitan and District Railway. + + Here Amaryllis tends the hearth + Till, home returning from the City, + Her Damon comes to weed the garth + (Which makes his hands most awful gritty). + + Here in the golden sunset's haze + Is love, I ween, no whit less hearty + Than when it walked in soot-grimed ways, + But, oh how chic and oh how arty! + + The cots themselves are spick and span, + Filling with awe the gross intruder; + Their style is early Georgian, + Which looks like measles mixed with Tudor. + + Through little panes be-diamonded + The scented dusk comes softly stealing; + When you get up you strike your head + Severely on the timbered ceiling. + + And some break out in sudden wings + And bloom with unsuspected gables; + The cubic area of the things + Prevents one getting round the tables. + + To weave such nests, so fair, so coy, + Should be the workman's _bonum summum_, + To me it were all mirth, all joy + To paint, to whitewash, or to plumb 'em. + + Far other was the task of thralls + Who had to rear these inner suburbs, + Piling the sad Victorian walls + Where each wan window laced its tub-herbs. + + Small wonder had they cried, I wis, + Shedding large tears amongst their mortar, + "We cannot build such streets as this + Without two extra pints of porter!" + + But now--ah well! Here is a bard + Long versed in wild extravaganza, + Knowing the foot-rule, and to lard + With purple bits the pounding stanza; + + A little weary of the harp, + Metres and rhymes that fail to dowel, + Willing to turn from pains so sharp + To some soft labour with the trowel. + + Sooner than let our love-birds pine + For post-impressionistic dwellings, + With all the windows out of line + And curious humps and antic swellings, + + The motley Muse's maundering nous + Cares nothing what the union rate is, + If any young things want a house + I'll build the kickshaw for them gratis. + +Evoe. + + * * * * * + +Another Impending Apology. + + "We are glad to hear that Canon N. S. Jeffrey has latterly made + such good progress that he is now able to bet downstairs each + day."--_Gazette-News for Blackpool._ + + * * * * * + + "She was slightly troubled with sore chins, and went to the post + in scratchy fashion." + + _Sporting Chronicle._ + +No wonder. + + * * * * * + +"THE SINCEREST FLATTERY." + +[Illustration: General John Redmond. "ULSTER KING-AT-ARMS, IS IT? WE'LL +BE AFTHER SHOWIN' 'EM WHAT THE _OTHER_ THREE PROVINCES CAN DO!" + +[See _Punch_, May 6, 1914.]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Our large stores pride themselves on never bothering a +customer to purchase. Some of them go even further and seem to show +positive indifference. Above we see a customer resorting to extreme +measures to secure attention.] + + * * * * * + +AN ADVANCE FINALE. + +There is an idea already fermenting in the brains of many publishers +that their present method of printing personal assurances as to the +merits of their new productions is unsatisfactory. It is felt that these +eulogies are open to the suspicion of prejudice and should be replaced, +or supplemented, by the advance publication of the final chapter of the +author's work. _Mr. Punch_, anxious to promote this excellent change by +the publication of a specimen finale, has pleasure in anticipating the +fifty-first, and concluding, chapter of Mrs. H-mphry W-rd's projected +romance, _The Winning of Aurora_; and he is convinced that his readers +will not rest till they have secured the remaining fifty chapters. + + +Aurora let fall the book she was reading, a celebrated pamphlet on the +Oxford Tractarian movement, in a cover which was a miracle of +Italo-Moroccan tooling, and gazed thoughtfully at the scene before her. +Viewed thus in outline, her head in repose had something of the delicacy +of a Tanagra figure, while to the eye of a connoisseur the magnificent +yet girlish torso might have recalled a Bacchante by Skopas. To her +right rose the rugged sides of Garthfell, purple and scarlet in the +subdued light; to the left was Felsbeck, and from her feet the ground +fell away abruptly till it met the immemorial woods of Supwell. Among +them Aurora could distinguish the massive Boadicean keep of Supwell +Castle, strangely yet harmoniously blended with the neo-Byzantine +portico of white marble designed by Inigo Jones for the thirty-first +Earl. She remembered vaguely that she was attending a reception there +to-night; but her gaze soon left the noble pile--so typical of all that +is best in English architecture--to rest upon the humbler neighbouring +group of Lowmere cottages. In one she knew old Ralph, the shepherd, was +dying of a painful form of spinal catarrh, directly attributable to the +cesspool at his front door; in another the mother of fifteen children +was nursing the only remaining one through an attack of mumps, and in a +third the breadwinner was lying in the malignant grip of abdominal +influenza. Aurora mentally reviewed the chief points of Socialism, +Individualism, Syndicalism and Socinianism, as represented by the select +group of thinkers to which Cecil belonged. + + +Following a noiseless footman in the gorgeous Supwell liveries, Mrs. +Lovelord and Aurora took up their position under a rare palm at the head +of the great ebony staircase, which a royal personage was said to have +coveted, and watched the Earl and Countess receive their guests. Mrs. +Lovelord's keen eye noted that the Earl was standing on the Countess's +train, a priceless piece of Venetian point which had once belonged to +the Empress Theodora. Aurora's attention was attracted by a tall +grey-haired man wearing the Ribbon of the Garter half-hidden under a +variety of lesser decorations; he was talking eagerly, vivaciously to +the notorious Duchess of Almondsbury. Cecil, who had joined Aurora at +once, whispered that the man was Professor Villeray. + +"They say he knows every crowned head in Europe," he said. The great +scientist was relating anecdote after anecdote of the people he had +known--Charlemagne, Machiavelli, Newman, Dickens, the Shakspeares, +father and son. There followed a racy story, inimitably told, of Miss +Mitford in her less regenerate days. Aurora turned away. + +"Would you care to take a turn through the rooms?" Cecil asked. "The +Rembrandts are in tremendous form to-night--what?" + +The house was one of historic interest and importance, with that blend +of magnificence and domesticity so typical of all that is best in +English life. Aurora's eyes wandered from the massive emerald +chandeliers, the envy of every connoisseur in Europe, to Raphael's +masterly "Madonna," which, with a daring harmony by Sargent, filled the +niches on either side of the great mantelpiece, itself a triumph of the +art of Niccola of Pisa. + +"There's Sir John. I didn't think he'd be here with all this rumpus over +the Bill," said Cecil. The Prime Minister was deep in conversation with +the Marquis of Falutin, P.T.O., Q.T., R.S.V.P., the famous diplomat, +whose recent intervention in the Nice imbroglio had saved the European +situation. Aurora could see the flashes of his wit illuminating Sir +John's saturnine countenance. Her further progress was barred by Lady +Highflyer, who nodded to her, and said to Cecil, whose _petite intimité_ +with all this great world struck Aurora anew: + +"You heard Philip's got Jericho?" He nodded. "Such a relief. The Duke's +delighted, of course, especially after poor Erskine's fiasco, or perhaps +I should say _fiancée_. He's infatuated, I hear. Only £20,000 a year +between them! Ah, there's Madeline Duchess. Well, _a rivederci_." + +She passed on, her dress, which had taxed the resources of the first +modistes of the day, Rue de la Paix, trailing heedlessly over the +priceless Aubusson. Aurora turned to find the Home Secretary at her +elbow. Instantly she was all eagerness and vivacity. + +"Will there be a division?" she asked. + +"Dear lady," he replied, "_qui vivra verra_. The Anabaptists are up in +arms, but----" He screwed his glass into his eye. "Had anything to eat?" +he asked, as three of the footmen passed with a jewelled tray of Pêches +Melba. "A Benvenuto Cellini, if I am not mistaken," he continued, +tapping the tray with his ring, a unique Pompeian intaglio of Venus +Anadyomene with the iynx. "The plates are fourteenth-century Venetian. +The only other set is in the Vatican, you remember." He removed a drop +of the Earl's champagne from his moustache. "Ah, I see Cantoforte's +going to sing. Marvellous man! I remember him in Paris in the +'forties--the roaring 'forties, as poor Dizzy called them." + +"He only plays when Royalty's present," a woman behind Aurora whispered, +as the great artist broke into Palestrina's _Andante Furioso_. "They say +he charges a thousand a minute." + +A memory of the Lowmere cottages assailed Aurora. At last she saw her +way clearly. Never had she so realised the possibilities of life. + +"I will marry Cecil," she said to herself. "With his brains, a million a +year, and the breeding to which only the highest circles can attain, we +will regenerate England." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + + Men of Criccieth, on to glory! + See, this banner, fam'd in story, + Waves these burning words before ye-- + "David scorns to yield!" + +(_With acknowledgments to the author of "The March of the Men of +Harlech."_) + + ["If there was any movement in the Liberal party ... it was a + movement forward. The message of the by-elections to Liberals + was ... to press on."--_Mr. Lloyd George at Criccieth._]] + + * * * * * + +Little-known Heroes. + + "On Saturday last, an up-country woman attempted to commit + suicide by laying herself across the rails. At that time the + second up Passenger train was passing but slowly and the + cow-catcher of the train almost touched the woman. The Driver + stopped the train with great pluck."--_Times of Assam._ + + * * * * * + +THE CAN-CAN. + +I have four milk-boys as pets. They don't know it, but I cultivate an +intimate knowledge of their habits and study them as, once, years ago, I +was wont to study white mice and goldfish. I have watched their +development, listened to their song, and have made several interesting +discoveries about them. + +When, after a hard evening's reading, perhaps, I jot down a few notes +and tumble into bed at 1 A.M., I do so with the delightful certainty +that at 6.30 the first of my pets will rouse me with his mellow +warbling. He (Number One) looks always on the bright side of things and +probably belongs to a club for incurable optimists, for he intersperses +his roulades with cheery spells of whistling. Should Number Two, who is +a pal of his, loom through the early morning mist with the lark and the +first motor-bus at the other end of the Terrace, no false modesty deters +him from making himself known; he gives a view-halloo that startles +every drooping cat in the district. He informs Number Two, while that +person is yet nebulous, a mere blur on the cosmos, that he went to the +local Empire last night, and that it was a bit of all right. With an +intermittent rumble he elicits the information that Geor-r-rge (that's +Number Two's name) went to his local Palace and had a treat of a beano. +And when they meet--exactly opposite my dwelling is the favoured +spot--the Can-can is performed with variations. Jolly fellows are One +and Two. + +As for Number Three, I could tell you a little story about him. He has +had a love-affair. There was a time when he too joined in the dance and +song, as one might say; but all that is over for him. One morning he +turned up late, his usual merry call changed to a croak like that of a +bull-frog virtuoso. I peered between the curtains to make sure that it +was not Number Five (as yet hypothetical); but no--it was Three, with a +look on his face that could only bear one interpretation. Belinda had +been perverse, unkind, icy--had, in fact, thrown him over. You could +read it in the angle of his cap, in the broken lace dragging from his +boots, in his shuffling progress, and in the dulled gleam of his +brass-mounted cans. From that date he became a frowning pessimist, +perpetrating wheezes and squeaks and mumblings, quaverings and hoarse +murmurs, instead of the customary sportive yelp. 'Tis an unkind world, +according to Number Three. + +Number Four generally arrives as the lingering chatter of his +predecessors dies away. He is rotund, judging by his voice (I have not +yet seen him); also I should say that he goes in for physical culture. +For, by the sounds that ascend to my window, his procedure is as +follows: he unhooks the empty can from the railings of the opposite +house and dashes it violently upward against the wall, catching it on +the rebound. This action he repeats a few times just to get into form; +it is, as it were, a muscular prelude. Then, taking seven or eight empty +tins from his trolley, he juggles with them, not very expertly, for some +of them break away into neighbouring areas and have to be retrieved; or +he will set the whole lot in the road and kick them round for five +minutes, brilliantly and wonderfully. This warms him. Picking them up, +he spends a relatively quiet interlude in sorting out the one he wants, +then fills it, bangs the lid down, and rehangs it in position. Having +repeated the process with the remainder, he glows with a sense of duty +done, and bursts into his farewell song; I often wish that it was his +swan-song. He produces in this vocal valediction noises which to the +ears of a Futurist composer might seem as Olympian music, but which to +my insufficiently educated taste are merely excruciating. + +These, then are my four pets. I value them, for they teach me +self-denial and self-restraint; they rouse me at an hour when I might +otherwise be lost in slothful sleep; and they assure me that there is a +sphere in which taxes and politics really do not matter in the +slightest. Some day, I suppose, they will grow up. What will become of +their talents in the world of men it is beyond me to imagine. But Number +Four seems to have the makings of a politician. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: The Browns have taken the advice of the railways and +newspapers to "go early" for their seaside holidays.] + + * * * * * + +TWO EYES OF GRAY. + + "Sprats should be cooked very fresh. Their condition can be + ascertained by their eyes, which should be bright." + + _Cookery Book._ + + How cold the culinary mind + That household care absorbs! + Can the observer really find + Within yon sparkling orbs + No message, nothing further than + A fitness for the frying-pan? + + For oh, in that pathetic gaze + What crowded memories dwell! + What wistful dreams of briny days + Beneath the surging swell, + Ere fate had seized this little fish + And plumped him on an earthen dish! + + Methinks I see him even now, + As late he sailed along + With smiling and unruffled brow + Amid the finny throng, + No gladder, gayer sprat than he + In all the caverns of the sea. + + With what a rapture would he tweak + The casual kipper's tail, + Or nimbly sport at hide-and-seek + Around the whiskered whale! + (Do whales that haunt the ocean wave + Wear whiskers? Some do, others shave.) + + And, when by hunger overcome + He felt a trifle limp, + What joy within his vacuum + To stow the passing shrimp, + And afterwards to sink and snooze, + Soft-cradled on the nether ooze! + + Ah, yes, as I behold those eyes + So bright, so crystal-clear, + I feel within my own uprise + A sympathetic tear; + But supper's call one must obey, + And so I dash the drops away. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER INFORMATION BUREAU. + + A Pretty Thought--Tipsters--Our Feathered Friends--A Guide to + Manners--Aiding his Suit. + +A Pretty Thought. + +_After reading that a number of letters have been written to the King on +his birthday by school children, my wife and I have decided that our +little girl, Clara, who is just six, shall write one for next year--or +possibly for Christmas--and we should be glad of your counsel in the +matter: as to how his Majesty is addressed, how to make sure that the +letter reaches him and receives proper attention, and so forth. Is there +any intermediary with whom one should get upon good terms?--J. U. T. +(Haggerston)._ + +Your question is a very natural one, and we are glad to be able to reply +to it. The habit of writing to His Majesty is growing. He should be +addressed on the envelope as-- + + His Majesty, + Buckingham Palace, + near Victoria Station, + S.W., + +and the envelope should be marked "Private" or "Personal," to ensure his +getting it. By a piece of great good fortune for you one of the papers +has very considerately published specimens of letters just sent to His +Majesty, and you can make those your model. The most suitable is perhaps +this-- + + "Dear King George,--I wish you many happy returns of the day. If + I had one pound I would buy a suit of clothes with ten shillings + and a watch for the other ten shillings. I hope you will have a + long and fruitful reign." + +Is not that charming in its _naïveté_ and whole-hearted delight in the +opportunity of congratulations and good wishes? We wish your little +Clara all success. + +Tipsters. + +_I receive every day circulars from gentlemen who assure me that they +know for certain the winners of forthcoming races and asking me to let +them send me this information for a consideration. Do you think I should +be wise in doing so? Naturally I want to make my fortune.--H. M. +(Epping)._ + +We reply to your question by asking another. How is it that these +gentlemen, with all their advantages of foreknowledge, are still so +anxiously in business? + +Our Feathered Friends. + +_Can you tell me how I can obtain information as to the means of +identifying the songs of birds? I hear a great many near our house in +the country, but I cannot put names to them. I am told that when Colonel +Roosevelt was last in England Sir Edward Grey took him for a long walk +in the New Forest to instruct him in English ornithology. Do you think +he would take me? I am a strong Free Trader and have traces of American +blood.--B. B. L. (Dorking)._ + +Sir Edward Grey, we fancy, has other things to do. You had better write +to "W. B. T." of _The Daily Mail_, or in his regrettable absence to "P. +W. D. I." + +A Guide to Manners. + +_I have a son for whom I desire a political future. What I should like +to get for him is a Member of Parliament who would converse with him on +statecraft, the British constitution and so forth, but it would have to +be one who was jealous for the honour and dignity of the House, and I +need hardly say that I should not care for a Liberal. Can you give me +any hints?--J. K. (Henley)._ + +We strongly recommend Mr. Ronald McNeill, Mr. Amery, Sir C. +Kinloch-Cooke, or Lord Winterton. + +Aiding his Suit. + +_Although an utterly unathletic man I am paying court to a lady who +dotes upon male proficiency in games. How would you advise me to forward +my cause?--M. L. G. (Harrow)._ + +We should advise you to put yourself into knickerbockers and a golfing +attitude and be photographed. Judging by their present contents, there +is not a paper in the country that would not be glad to print the +picture, and then you could show it to the lady and win. + + * * * * * + +A WELCOME FLAW. + +"You look worried," said Diana, "very worried, dear." + +I smiled sadly. "It can't be helped," I said. + +"Did you like my cake?" + +"Very much; it wasn't that. I am a little worried, Diana." + +"What a pity. Will you have some more, dear?" + +"No, thank you." + +Diana leant forward and cut a very large slice. + +"No, really, thank you," I insisted. + +"Right; this is for me." + +"Diana," I said, "I've something on my chest." She looked surprised. +"Yes, there's something on my chest. I speak in a spiritual sense." + +"Well, hadn't you better tell me what it is, dear?" + +"I will," I said stoutly. "Diana, this--this engagement can't go on." +There was no fire in the room, so I gazed blankly into the radiator. + +"What on earth do you mean, Dick?" + +"It can't go on," I repeated. + +"Why? Dick, you're joking." + +"Joking!" I laughed a hollow mocking laugh. "Don't make it hard for me, +Diana." + +She crossed over and sat on the arm of my chair. + +"Are you feeling ill, dear?" she inquired ever so sweetly. + +For a moment I nearly gave way; then, with a tremendous effort, I braced +back my shoulders.... Diana fell heavily to the floor. + +"Darling," I said as I picked her up, "I'm so sorry; I didn't see you +were sitting so near the edge. I'm----" + +"All right," she replied. "And now what is it? You haven't changed +towards me?" + +"Diana--I--oh, it's difficult." + +"Yes, dear. Go on." + +I gazed into the carpet. "I must begin at the beginning. I--it's +difficult." + +"Yes, dear; we've agreed about that." + +"In the first place," I began, "I am a man of the utmost integrity." + +"That doesn't matter, and, anyway, you're quite a dear." + +I bowed gravely. "I try to look at things from a high standpoint," I +continued. "Now, Diana, I consider you are perfect. I love you intensely +because you are so perfect." + +"Don't be silly, dear." + +"I mean it. On the other hand, I know myself very well indeed." + +"You think so." + +"I do. And I have come to the conclusion, after many racking hours, that +I am not worthy of you. The proper course, the only course, is for me to +release you." And I sighed heavily. + +"Well," said Diana, "of course it's a very pretty idea, and I'm glad +you're so fond of me, but the whole thing's absurd. I've accepted you +and there's an end of it." + +"Diana, you're making it very hard." + +"I'm making it impossible." + +"No," I declared, "because--I release you now." + +Diana fingered her handkerchief. "D--Dick, I refuse to be released. It's +too silly for w--words. Come over here." + +With a great effort I didn't get up; instead I gazed at the ceiling. + +"Diana," I said, "I'm disappointed in you. I'm trying to do the right +thing, the noble thing, and you mustn't stand in my way. You've no right +to stand in my----" + +"Anyhow, I'm going to." + +"You know," I said, "this puts me in a very awkward position--very +awkward. Diana, you must see my point of view." + +"I can't." + +"You mean you won't. I had expected more of you." + +Diana smiled. "I thought you considered me perfect." + +"I did." + +"Well, you see, dear, I'm not." + +I sighed. "I'm afraid not," I said. "I fear not." + +Suddenly I sat up. "Good Lord!" I exclaimed. "Hooray!" + +"What is it?" + +"Don't you see? This puts matters on an entirely different footing. +Darling, you don't want me to do the right thing, therefore you're not +perfect." + +"No; that's settled." + +"Well then, you don't deserve a perfect husband." + +"I don't want one." + +"That's not the point. You don't deserve one." + +"No," said Diana. + +"Then that's all right," I said; "because you won't get one." And I cut +myself a large slice of cake. + + * * * * * + +[_Chairman (at Friendly Lead, proposing toast of the performers)._ "All +the hartists have give their services free, and I think you'll agree +with me, gentlemen, that the labourers are worthy of their hire."] + + * * * * * + +THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL. + + ["It is impossible for me to dine out either in private or in + public without having those confounded telephones mentioned to + me." + + _Mr. Hobhouse._] + + She was so young but fair to see; + Her eye conveyed the glad regard; + She murmured to the P.M.G. + That life was very, very hard + (It never crossed his mind that she + Was double seven five Gerrard). + + She spoke of love, as ladies will; + He thought it no affair of his; + "I cannot say," he said, "until + You tell me what your trouble is;" + So while he ate and drank his fill + She told him all about it, viz.:-- + + "Augustus, handsome, tall and lean, + Excels in every kind of sport; + Such perfect men have rarely been, + And cash with him is never short; + His words are few and far between; + He is the strong and silent sort. + + "His courage is sublime, and yet + His manly shyness is absurd; + Of all the girls he ever met + It was myself he most preferred; + He'd try and try, but couldn't get + His wretched tongue to say the word. + + "Speech was to him a foreign art. + He hired a poet of repute, + Learnt yards of eloquence by heart, + Came, full of it, to press his suit; + At sight of me forgot his part ... + What could I say when he was mute? + + "But there are ways and means for those + Who like to sit and blush alone, + And, undetected, to propose + In phrases other than their own ..." + (The P.M.G.'s suspicions rose; + This sounded like the telephone). + + "And this, on second thoughts, was what + Augustus hit upon, and he + Affirmed a passion, strong and hot. + Where one might hear but none might see, + And was accepted on the spot, + But not, confound you, Sir, by me. + + "Yours was the fault, you monster, who, + Unmoved, unblushing, dare to dine!" + Her victim turned a little blue + And cleared his throat and muttered, "Mine?" + "Yes, yours!" she cried. "You put him through + (For good) to double seven _nine_!" + + * * * * * + +THE ABANDONER. + +"I am afraid," I said, "that I shall have to withdraw my permission." + +"Withdraw your what?" said the lady of the house, emphasising every word +scornfully. + +"Yes," I said, "I shall have to forbid you to go." + +She laughed. + +"It's not a bit of good," I said, "laughing like that. Laughter only +adds fuel to the fire that is raging in my breast. I am going to forbid +you to go." + +"Don't waste your forbiddings," she said, "I'm not banns, and I won't be +treated as such. Besides, even banns are never forbidden in these days." + +"Yes, they are," I said. "A bann was forbidden last week. A father of +eighty years, infuriated by the imminent desertion of a daughter of +fifty-five, got up in church at the third time of asking and said, 'I +object. Who's going to look after me?' The clergyman nearly swooned." + +"And the unfortunate objecter was carefully removed by his friends. I +don't see that that's much of a help to you." + +"Anyhow," I said, "I won't have it." + +"It's too late to talk like that. In half-an-hour I start for Sandy Bay +to stay with Violet. My luggage is already at the station." + +"Yes," I said, "and you leave me here alone to look after everything." + +"Well, what of that?" she said. "Don't you often leave _me_ alone here +to look after everything?" + +"Ah, but that's different. When I go away _rien n'est changé; il n'y a +qu'un Anglais de moins_." + +"My own Parisian one!" she murmured. + +"The mistress-mind remains and things go on being controlled. Lord love +you, _my_ absence makes no difference." + +"What you mean is," she said, "that you simply can't get on without me. +Isn't that it?" + +"If you put it in that way," I said, "you can't expect me to admit it." + +"Well, it comes to that, doesn't it?" + +"What I mean to say is that it's your fault." + +"Aha," she said triumphantly, "I knew you'd mean to say that sooner or +later. Everything's my fault, of course." + +"It is," I said, "an arguable proposition." + +"And how do you prove it in this particular case?" + +"Easily," I said. "You have neglected to train me for the daily work of +a household and a family." + +"You never asked to be trained," she said. + +"No," I said, "I was too proud and too sensitive. I did not come to you +and say, 'Let me beard the cook in her fastness. Let me order the +sirloin of beef for the mid-day meal. Let me rebuke the housemaid, or +raise her wages, or give her notice,' or whatever it is that one does in +the case of a housemaid. I did not ask that I too might be allowed to +talk bulbs or Alpine plants to the gardener. I did not plead that I +might order dresses or medicine for the girls, or watch over John's +putting to bed. All these things, because you were haughty about them, I +left to you; and you--what did you do?" + +"I generally went and did them." + +"And that," I said, "is just what I complain of." + +"You wouldn't have liked it," she said, "if I hadn't." + +"You ought," I said, "to have taken me into your counsels, instead of +leaving me to eat out my heart in total ignorance of all the things that +make the world a happier and a better place. Votes for women, indeed! +First let there be homes for men." + +"Shall I ring for a glass of water?" she said. + +"There must be no sarcasm," I said. "This is too serious for sarcasm. +Besides, think what will happen." + +"Well, what?" + +"John," I said, "will fall into the fishpond." + +"You can have his clothes dried." + +"No," I said, "I shall spank him. It is my only remedy." + +"Anything else?" + +"Peggy will tumble off her bicycle and cut her knee." + +"Anyhow, you can't spank her for that." + +"And there will be a message from the kitchen to say that there are no +mutton cutlets in England." + +"You can eat beef or chicken." + +"And Rosie will have to see the dentist, and Helen will want to go out +to tea, and there will be holes in all their boots; and ladies whom I +have never seen will call on you and will be shown in on me. Oh, it is a +terrible prospect!" + +"It does sound rather blood-curdling," she said. + +"And, after all, why do you want to go to Violet's?" + +"She asked me, you know. That's one reason. And I shall be able to look +round for lodgings in August." + +"Are we going to Sandy Bay in August?" + +"Yes; didn't you know? And I shall have four days of perfect peace." + +"You won't. You and Violet will disagree about hats, or the colour of a +dress, or the education of children, or the true way of putting men in +their proper place. It isn't everybody who agrees with you as I do." + +"Yes, I know I shall miss you every minute of the time--that's what you +wanted me to say, wasn't it?" + +"Yes, that was it. You really do know how to lead me by a silken +thread." + +"And I shall probably get my breakfast in bed. You'll think of me, won't +you, when you're breakfasting with the children? And don't let John have +jam every day." + +"I shall give him," I said, "a pot for himself." + +"Good-bye," she said, pressing a paper into my hand. "I've written down +some things that _must_ be attended to." + +"I shan't attend to them," I shouted, as she walked off. + +"Breakfast in bed," she called back. + +R. C. L. + + * * * * * + +THE EARTHLY HADES. + + ["I could reel out such a list of notorious Yorkshire criminals + ... as would put every other county utterly out of the + running."--_Extract from recent letter to "The Pall Mall + Gazette."_] + + Bah! to your boasts of the blackguards of Lancashire; + Tush! to your talk of the rascals of Staffs; + Come, let me openly mention as rank a shire + (Yorks) as you'll find for the riffest of ruffs; + Choose all the pick of your Cheese-shire or Pork-shire men, + Men who have sunk in the deepest of mud; + Deuce of a one can come near to us Yorkshiremen + Born with Beelzebub's blue in our blood. + + "Nuts" who have long left the strait way or narrow gate + Swarm on each side of the Swale or the Ouse; + Huddersfield vies in its villains with Harrogate; + Satan in Sheffield would shake in his shoes; + Hull?--though you might not be driven to drat it, you'd + Certainly substitute "e" for its "u," + And, from a purely unprejudiced attitude, + We should pronounce it the worse of the two. + + Yorks has a side, you see, surely more sinister + Far than the shires that would snatch at her fame; + So, when you curse at our present Prime Minister, + Calling him every conceivable name, + We shall accept 'em with sangfroid and phlegm, as he + Gives you this practical proof of his powers, + Setting his seal to our sinful supremacy, + Seeing he comes from this county of ours. + + * * * * * + +A FRUGAL MIND. + +[Illustration: _Doctor._ "Well, Mr. McPhearson, I'm glad to see you out +again. You've had a long illness." + +_McPhearson._ "Ay, Doctor, and varra expensive. I was wunnerin' if it +was worth while at ma time o' life."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +I have reason to believe that Scotland Yard has on occasion displayed +considerable intelligence, and I regret that novelists will never allow +it to be as cunning even as myself in guessing the identity of the +villains of their criminal plots. Mrs. Charles Bryce, for instance, +might, without unduly taxing the imagination, have credited the Force +with the coup of bringing to justice the murderer of _Mrs. Vanderstein_, +but she went out of her way to employ that marvellous amateur, _Mr. +Gimblet_, for the purpose. I must believe that he was marvellous, +because she says so; but in this case he did nothing and had little +opportunity of justifying his references. He merely believed what he had +the luck to be told and caused the miscreant to be arrested when of his +own motion he practically offered himself for arrest. There are, after +all, two phases of crime--the first, its commission, and the second, its +detection. Mrs. Bryce would have done better to confine herself to the +former, since she has an exciting tale to tell of _Mrs. Vanderstein's +Jewels_ (Lane) and shows herself well able to curdle the blood in the +telling of it. But, lacking that gift of logic which is essential to the +stating and the solving of detective problems, she endeavours to achieve +her ends by keeping back what are admitted, and not discovered, facts. +She is reduced to telling the same story twice, and I cannot say that I +was nearly as excited the second time as I was the first. + + +Once upon a time King James, being annoyed with the City because it +wouldn't lend him money, summoned the Lord Mayor and Aldermen to his +presence and, "being somewhat transported," threatened to remove his +Court to some other place. To this the Lord Mayor very politely but +readily retorted, "Your Majesty hath power to do what you please and +your City of London will obey accordingly: but she humbly desires that +when your Majesty shall remove your Court you would please to leave the +Thames behind you." I think this single instance from the history of the +City goes far to explain that peculiar pride in it which the Londoner +instinctively feels without exactly knowing why. I have not space to +argue with Sir Laurence Gomme upon his main point, its continuity of +policy and purpose from the Roman Empire till to-day, shown by the +records of London's past. I leave it to the scholar and antiquary. It is +my purpose to persuade the man in the street, to whom the names of +Palgrave, Freeman and Stubbs are not household words, to buy a copy of +_London_ (Williams and Norgate) for inclusion in his permanent library. +If I should insist upon his reading it then and there he would reply, as +one ignorant fellow to another, that he had not the necessary +understanding of the remote past and was too preoccupied with the +affairs of the present. Be it so, but none the less let him buy it and +at any rate glance at its many curious and admirable illustrations. +Later he will dip into it in search of further episodes after the manner +of that I quote, and lastly he will do the thing thoroughly, to find +that he is much more concerned with the past than ever he supposed; that +now he understands that "greatness which is London," and that he is +infinitely obliged for the recommendation of a not-too-learned clerk who +shared his own diffidence, even reluctance, in approaching so learned +and weighty a treatise. + + +I am sure that Miss Constance Holme has, in _The Lonely Plough_ (Mills +and Boon), written a clever and amusing novel. What she has not done is +to make herself intelligible. Some of the mist that enwraps the +background of her frontispiece has obscured her story and her +characters. I know that she is writing about lively and entertaining +people because there emerges, now and then, a page of dialogue that is +witty and alive; and I know that her story is dramatic because she tells +us now that someone "let out a screech," and now that he "uttered sharp +little sounds remarkably like oaths." I know, too, that the sea is +encroaching upon somebody's dwelling-place, and that someone else tries +to keep the waves in their place, but is no more successful than was the +great King Knut of blessed memory. Then there is a fine figure of a +land-agent and several ladies who talk the snappiest of slang. But the +mist and the sea have swept across Miss Holme's pages and blotted out +the rest of the affair. Not Meredith nor Robert Browning at their most +complex have been more baffling. I must admit, however, that the +description of a game of mixed hockey, somewhere in the middle of the +book, was delightfully fresh and vivid. Here, for a page or two, I could +rest from my grapplings with the story and join in all the excitement +and peril, that mixed hockey provides. Then there is _Harriet_, who +says, "Stow all that piffle." I should like to know more about +_Harriet_, who from that brief glimpse of her seems a lively vigorous +person, but the encroaching sea swallows her with the others, and there +is an end. I repeat that Miss Holme has written a clever dramatic story, +but the title is certainly the clearest thing about it. + + + When Mr. Calthrop's at his best + He weaves you tales of fauns and elves, + And ancient gods come back to test + Their humour on our modern selves; + He finds romance in common clay; + He lifts the veil from fairy rings, + And points the unfamiliar way + Of looking at familiar things. + + And at his second best, or less, + His graceful manner still redeems + With easy charm and cheerfulness + More hackneyed, less seductive themes; + Each page has something witty, wise, + Well-turned, fantastic or jocose-- + Each page of _Breadandbutterflies_, + From Mills and Boon, six shillings (gross). + + +Even though it has been seared by the tragic end of a youthful _liaison_ +("It was in France, you know," and that seems to explain all to _Minella +Drake_, daughter of the Vicar of Goldringham) the heart of a Sussex +taxidermist appears to be exceptionally tender. Seldom can _Tom Murrow_, +through whose eyes we view the scenes and incidents of Mr. Tickner +Edwardes' _Tansy_ (Hutchinson), have sealed up badger or squirrel in its +glass _morgue_ without shedding on the fur some glistening tribute of +tears over a village sorrow. So much of his time in fact is occupied by +conversations of a sentimental nature with the two _Wilverleys_ (whose +aged father, _Mark_, by the way, having retired from active life on his +farm, habitually talks in rhymed couplets) that he can have had as +little leisure for stuffing specimens as he had to discern the love +gradually growing up for him in the bosom of _Minella_, his guileless +_confidante_. The background of _Tansy_ consists in the shepherd's +seasons of the Sussex downs (for _Tansy_, a splendid type of advanced +though rustic womanhood, is a shepherdess), and the plot of the story is +that of _Tess of the D'Urbervilles_, with the convenient variation that +the villain of the piece, having his pockets stuffed with cartridges, +disappears (as villains should) in a cloud of malodorous smoke. Mr. +Tickner Edwardes' knowledge of rural life and scenes is as thorough as +his description of them is charming, and, if the general impression +conveyed by _Tansy_ is a little too idyllic for those who have been +brought up in the rough school of Wessex agriculture, it is pleasant for +a moment to lend ourselves to the illusion of his sunny romance. + + +Unattractive as _Sophia Ree_ was in many ways, I frankly admit that she +was a lady of mettle. A stockbroker's typist, with a fortune of £2,000 +and a salary of a few shillings a week, she no sooner obtained inside +information about the floating of _The South Seas Coastal Rubber +Development Company_ than she decided to apply for 2000 shares. They +were allotted to her, and in consequence she became a most important +person. In fact, she had only to say "_Gugenheim_" to her employers and +she had them at her feet. Why this was so you must discover for +yourselves; all that I, who am no expert in financial matters, can tell +you is that somehow her 2000 shares seem to have given her a position of +enormous power in the company, and that the _Gugenheim_ man wanted to +buy her out. Her sister _Judith_ kept bees and was an extremely good +woman. I never got really to understand her; and her wonderful power of +seeing into the future, which does not often go with apiculture, left me +unimpressed. The trouble with this book of Mr. E. R. Punshon's is that +the parts of it do not seem to fit into a symmetrical whole, but, at any +rate, a study of _The Crowning Glory_ (Hodder and Stoughton) has greatly +improved my knowledge of the behaviour of bears and bulls and bees. + + * * * * * + +GOLF AND THE DRAMA. + +[Illustration: _Act III._--The final putt on the last green which is to +decide the fate of the house of Devereux.] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, June +10, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JUNE 10, 1914 *** + +***** This file should be named 24414-8.txt or 24414-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/4/1/24414/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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