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+***The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Clouds, by Aristophanes***
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+Title:  The Clouds
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+Author:  Aristophanes
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+Translator:  William James Hickie
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+March, 2001  [Etext #2562]
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+
+
+
+
+THE CLOUDS
+
+Aristophanes
+
+
+
+Trans. William James Hickie
+
+
+
+
+* All Greek from the original edition has been
+transliterated into Roman characters.
+
+Dramatis Personae
+
+Strepsiades
+Phidippides
+Servant of Strepsiades
+Disciples of Socrates
+Socrates
+Chorus of Clouds
+Just Cause
+Unjust Cause
+Pasias
+Amynias
+Witness
+Chaerephon
+
+Scene: The interior of a sleeping-apartment:
+Strepsiades, Phidippides, and two servants are in their
+beds; a small house is seen at a distance. Time:
+midnight.
+
+Strepsiades (sitting up in his bed). Ah me! Ah me! O
+King Jupiter, of what a terrible length the nights are!
+Will it never be day? And yet long since I heard the
+cock. My domestics are snoring; but they would not have
+done so heretofore! May you perish then, O war! For many
+reasons; because I may not even punish my domestics.
+Neither does this excellent youth awake through the
+night; but takes his ease, wrapped up in five blankets.
+Well, if it is the fashion, let us snore wrapped up.
+
+
+[Lies down, and then almost immediately starts up
+again.]
+
+But I am not able, miserable man, to sleep, being
+tormented by my expenses, and my stud of horses, and my
+debts, through this son of mine. He with his long hair,
+is riding horses and driving curricles, and dreaming of
+horses; while I am driven to distraction, as I see the
+moon bringing on the twentieths;  for the interest is
+running on. Boy! Light a lamp, and bring forth my
+tablets,  that I may take them and read to how many I am
+indebted, and calculate the interest.
+
+[Enter boy with a light and tablets.]
+
+Come, let me see; what do I owe? Twelve minae  to
+Pasias. Why twelve minae to Pasias? Why did I borrow
+them? When I bought the blood-horse. Ah me, unhappy!
+Would that it had had its eye knocked out with a stone
+first!
+
+Phidippides (talking in his sleep). You are acting
+unfairly, Philo! Drive on your own course.
+
+Strep. This is the bane that has destroyed me; for even
+in his sleep he dreams about horsemanship.
+
+Phid. How many courses will the war-chariots run?
+
+Strep. Many courses do you drive me, your father. But
+what debt came upon me after Pasias? Three minae to
+Amynias for a little chariot and pair of wheels.
+
+Phid. Lead the horse home, after having given him a good
+rolling.
+
+Strep. O foolish youth, you have rolled me out of my
+possessions; since I have been cast in suits, and others
+say that they will have surety given them for the
+interest.
+
+Phid. (awakening) Pray, father, why are you peevish, and
+toss about the whole night?
+
+Strep. A bailiff out of the bedclothes is biting
+me.
+
+Phid. Suffer me, good sir, to sleep a little.
+
+Strep. Then, do you sleep on; but know that all these
+debts will turn on your head.
+
+[Phidippides falls asleep again.]
+
+Alas! Would that the match-maker had perished miserably,
+who induced me to marry your mother. For a country life
+used to be most agreeable to me, dirty, untrimmed,
+reclining at random, abounding in bees, and sheep, and
+oil-cake. Then I, a rustic, married a niece of Megacles,
+the son of Megacles, from the city, haughty, luxurious,
+and Coesyrafied. When I married her, I lay with her
+redolent of new wine, of the cheese-crate, and abundance
+of wool; but she, on the contrary, of ointment, saffron,
+wanton-kisses, extravagance, gluttony, and of Colias and
+Genetyllis.  I will not indeed say that she was idle;
+but she wove. And I used to show her this cloak by way
+of a pretext and say "Wife, you weave at a great
+rate."
+
+Servant re-enters.
+
+Servant. We have no oil in the lamp.
+
+Strep. Ah me! Why did you light the thirsty lamp? Come
+hither that you may weep!
+
+Ser. For what, pray, shall I weep?
+
+Strep. Because you put in one of the thick wicks.
+
+[Servant runs out]
+
+After this, when this son was born to us, to me,
+forsooth, and to my excellent wife, we squabbled then
+about the name: for she was for adding hippos  to the
+name, Xanthippus, or Charippus, or Callipides; but I was
+for giving him the name of his grandfather, Phidonides.
+For a time therefore we disputed; and then at length we
+agreed, and called him Phidippides. She used to take
+this son and fondle him, saying, "When you, being grown
+up, shall drive your chariot to the city, like Megacles,
+with a xystis." But I used to say, "Nay, rather, when
+dressed in a leathern jerkin, you shall drive goats from
+Phelleus, like your father." He paid no attention to my
+words, but poured a horse-fever over my property. Now,
+therefore, by meditating the whole night, I have
+discovered one path for my course extraordinarily
+excellent; to which if I persuade this youth I shall be
+saved. But first I wish to awake him. How then can I
+awake him in the most agreeable manner? How?
+Phidippides, my little Phidippides?
+
+Phid. What, father?
+
+Strep. Kiss me, and give me your right hand!
+
+Phid. There. What's the matter?
+
+Strep. Tell me, do you love me?
+
+Phid. Yes, by this Equestrian Neptune.
+
+Strep. Nay, do not by any means mention this Equestrian
+to me, for this god is the author of my misfortunes.
+But, if you really love me from your heart, my son, obey
+me.
+
+Phid. In what then, pray, shall I obey you?
+
+Strep. Reform your habits as quickly as possible, and go
+and learn what I advise.
+
+Phid. Tell me now, what do you prescribe?
+
+Strep. And will you obey me at all?
+
+Phid. By Bacchus,  I will obey you.
+
+Strep. Look this way then! Do you see this little door
+and little house?
+
+Phid. I see it. What then, pray, is this, father?
+
+Strep. This is a thinking-shop of wise spirits. There
+dwell men who in speaking of the heavens persuade people
+that it is an oven, and that it encompasses us, and that
+we are the embers. These men teach, if one give them
+money, to conquer in speaking, right or wrong.
+
+Phid. Who are they?
+
+Strep. I do not know the name accurately. They are
+minute philosophers, noble and excellent.
+
+Phid. Bah! They are rogues; I know them. You mean the
+quacks, the pale-faced wretches, the bare-footed
+fellows, of whose numbers are the miserable Socrates and
+Chaerephon.
+
+Strep. Hold! Hold! Be silent! Do not say anything
+foolish. But, if you have any concern for your father's
+patrimony, become one of them, having given up your
+horsemanship.
+
+Phid. I would not, by Bacchus, even if you were to give
+me the pheasants which Leogoras  rears!
+
+Strep. Go, I entreat you, dearest of men, go and be
+taught.
+
+Phid. Why, what shall I learn?
+
+Strep. They say that among them are both the two
+causes--the better cause, whichever that is, and the
+worse: they say that the one of these two causes, the
+worse, prevails, though it speaks on the unjust side.
+If, therefore you learn for me this unjust cause, I
+would not pay any one, not even an obolus of these
+debts, which I owe at present on your account.
+
+Phid. I can not comply; for I should not dare to look
+upon the knights, having lost all my colour.
+
+Strep. Then, by Ceres,  you shall not eat any of my
+good! Neither you, nor your blood-horse; but I will
+drive you out of my house to the crows.
+
+Phid. My uncle Megacles will not permit me to be without
+a horse. But I'll go in, and pay no heed to you.
+
+[Exit Phidippides.]
+
+Strep. Though fallen, still I will not lie prostrate:
+but having prayed to the gods, I will go myself to the
+thinking-shop and get taught. How, then, being an old
+man, shall I learn the subtleties of refined
+disquisitions? I must go. Why thus do I loiter and not
+knock at the door?
+
+[Knocks at the door.]
+
+Boy! Little boy!
+
+Disciple (from within). Go to the devil! Who it is that
+knocked at the door?
+
+Strep. Strepsiades, the son of Phidon, of Cicynna.
+
+Dis. You are a stupid fellow, by Jove! who have kicked
+against the door so very carelessly, and have caused the
+miscarriage of an idea which I had conceived.
+
+Strep. Pardon me; for I dwell afar in the country. But
+tell me the thing which has been made to miscarry.
+
+Dis. It is not lawful to mention it, except to
+disciples.
+
+Strep. Tell it, then, to me without fear; for I here am
+come as a disciple to the thinking-shop.
+
+Dis. I will tell you; but you must regard these as
+mysteries. Socrates lately asked Chaerephon  about a
+flea, how many of its own feet it jumped; for after
+having bit the eyebrow of Chaerephon, it leaped away
+onto the head of Socrates.
+
+Strep. How then did he measure this?
+
+Dis. Most cleverly. He melted some wax; and then took
+the flea and dipped its feet in the wax; and then a pair
+of Persian slippers stuck to it when cooled. Having
+gently loosened these, he measured back the distance.
+
+Strep. O King Jupiter! What subtlety of thought!
+
+Dis. What then would you say if you heard another
+contrivance of Socrates?
+
+Strep. Of what kind? Tell me, I beseech you!
+
+Dis. Chaerephon the Sphettian asked him whether he
+thought gnats buzzed through the mouth or the breech.
+
+Strep. What, then, did he say about the gnat?
+
+Dis. He said the intestine of the gnat was narrow and
+that the wind went forcibly through it, being slender,
+straight to the breech; and then that the rump, being
+hollow where it is adjacent to the narrow part,
+resounded through the violence of the wind.
+
+Strep. The rump of the gnats then is a trumpet! Oh,
+thrice happy he for his sharp-sightedness! Surely a
+defendant might easily get acquitted who understands the
+intestine of the gnat.
+
+Dis. But he was lately deprived of a great idea by a
+lizard.
+
+Strep. In what way? Tell me.
+
+Dis. As he was investigating the courses of the moon and
+her revolutions, then as he was gaping upward a lizard
+in the darkness dropped upon him from the roof.
+
+Strep. I am amused at a lizard's having dropped on
+Socrates.
+
+Dis. Yesterday evening there was no supper for us.
+
+Strep. Well. What then did he contrive for provisions?
+
+Dis. He sprinkled fine ashes on the table, and bent a
+little spit, and then took it as a pair of compasses and
+filched a cloak from the Palaestra.
+
+Strep. Why then do we admire Thales?  Open open quickly
+the thinking-shop, and show to me Socrates as quickly as
+possible. For I desire to be a disciple. Come, open the
+door.
+
+[The door of the thinking-shop opens and the pupils of
+Socrates are seen all with their heads fixed on the
+ground, while Socrates himself is seen suspended in the
+air in a basket.]
+
+O Hercules, from what country are these wild beasts?
+
+Dis. What do you wonder at? To what do they seem to you
+to be like?
+
+Strep. To the Spartans who were taken at Pylos.  But why
+in the world do these look upon the ground?
+
+Dis. They are in search of the things below the earth.
+
+Strep. Then they are searching for roots. Do not, then,
+trouble yourselves about this; for I know where there
+are large and fine ones. Why, what are these doing, who
+are bent down so much?
+
+Dis. These are groping about in darkness under Tartarus.
+
+Strep. Why then does their rump look toward heaven?
+
+Dis. It is getting taught astronomy alone by itself.
+
+[Turning to the pupils.]
+
+But go in, lest he meet with us.
+
+Strep. Not yet, not yet; but let them remain, that I may
+communicate to them a little matter of my own.
+
+Dis. It is not permitted to them to remain without in
+the open air for a very long time.
+
+[The pupils retire.]
+
+Strep. (discovering a variety of mathematical
+instruments) Why, what is this, in the name of heaven?
+Tell me.
+
+Dis. This is Astronomy.
+
+Strep. But what is this?
+
+Dis. Geometry.
+
+Strep. What then is the use of this?
+
+Dis. To measure out the land.
+
+Strep.What belongs to an allotment?
+
+Dis. No, but the whole earth.
+
+Strep. You tell me a clever notion; for the contrivance
+is democratic and useful.
+
+Dis. (pointing to a map) See, here's a map of the whole
+earth. Do you see? This is Athens.
+
+Strep. What say you? I don't believe you; for I do not
+see the Dicasts  sitting.
+
+Dis. Be assured that this is truly the Attic territory.
+
+Strep. Why, where are my fellow-tribesmen of Cicynna?
+
+Dis. Here they are. And Euboea here, as you see, is
+stretched out a long way by the side of it to a great
+distance.
+
+Strep. I know that; for it was stretched by us and
+Pericles.  But where is Lacedaemon?
+
+Dis. Where is it? Here it is.
+
+Strep. How near it is to us! Pay great attention to
+this, to remove it very far from us.
+
+Dis. By Jupiter, it is not possible.
+
+Strep. Then you will weep for it.
+
+[Looking up and discovering Socrates.]
+
+Come, who is this man who is in the basket?
+
+Dis. Himself.
+
+Strep. Who's "Himself"?
+
+Dis. Socrates.
+
+Strep. O Socrates! Come, you sir, call upon him loudly
+for me.
+
+Dis. Nay, rather, call him yourself; for I have no
+leisure.
+
+[Exit Disciple.]
+
+Strep. Socrates! My little Socrates!
+
+Socrates. Why callest thou me, thou creature of a day?
+
+Strep. First tell me, I beseech you, what are you doing.
+
+Soc. I am walking in the air, and speculating about the
+sun.
+
+Strep. And so you look down upon the gods from your
+basket, and not from the earth?
+
+Soc. For I should not have rightly discovered things
+celestial if I had not suspended the intellect, and
+mixed the thought in a subtle form with its kindred air.
+But if, being on the ground, I speculated from below on
+things above, I should never have discovered them. For
+the earth forcibly attracts to itself the meditative
+moisture. Water-cresses also suffer the very same thing.
+
+Strep. What do you say? Does meditation attract the
+moisture to the water-cresses? Come then, my little
+Socrates, descend to me, that you may teach me those
+things, for the sake of which I have come.
+
+[Socrates lowers himself and gets out of the basket.]
+
+Soc. And for what did you come?
+
+Strep. Wishing to learn to speak; for by reason of
+usury, and most ill-natured creditors, I am pillaged and
+plundered, and have my goods seized for debt.
+
+Soc. How did you get in debt without observing it?
+
+Strep. A horse-disease consumed me--terrible at eating.
+But teach me the other one of your two causes, that
+which pays nothing; and I will swear by the gods, I will
+pay down to you whatever reward you exact of me.
+
+Soc. By what gods will you swear? For, in the first
+place, gods are not a current coin with us.
+
+Strep. By what do you swear? By iron money, as in
+Byzantium?
+
+Soc. Do you wish to know clearly celestial matters, what
+they rightly are?
+
+Strep. Yes, by Jupiter, if it be possible!
+
+Soc. And to hold converse with the Clouds, our
+divinities?
+
+Strep. By all means.
+
+Soc. (with great solemnity). Seat yourself, then, upon
+the sacred couch.
+
+Strep. Well, I am seated!
+
+Soc. Take, then, this chaplet.
+
+Strep. For what purpose a chaplet? Ah me! Socrates, see
+that you do not sacrifice me like Athamas!
+
+Strep. No; we do all these to those who get initiated.
+
+Strep. Then what shall I gain, pray?
+
+Soc. You shall become in oratory a tricky knave, a
+thorough rattle, a subtle speaker. But keep quiet.
+
+Strep. By Jupiter! You will not deceive me; for if I am
+besprinkled, I shall become fine flour.
+
+Soc. It becomes the old man to speak words of good omen,
+and to hearken to my prayer. O sovereign King,
+immeasurable Air, who keepest the earth suspended, and
+through bright Aether, and ye august goddesses, the
+Clouds, sending thunder and lightning, arise, appear in
+the air, O mistresses, to your deep thinker!
+
+Strep. Not yet, not yet, till I wrap this around me lest
+I be wet through. To think of my having come from home
+without even a cap, unlucky man!
+
+Soc. Come then, ye highly honoured Clouds, for a display
+to this man. Whether ye are sitting upon the sacred
+snow-covered summits of Olympus, or in the gardens of
+Father Ocean form a sacred dance with the Nymphs, or
+draw in golden pitchers the streams of the waters of the
+Nile, or inhabit the Maeotic lake, or the snowy rock of
+Mimas, hearken to our prayer, and receive the sacrifice,
+and be propitious to the sacred rites.
+
+[The following song is heard at a distance, accompanied
+by loud claps of thunder.]
+
+Chorus. Eternal Clouds! Let us arise to view with our
+dewy, clear-bright nature, from loud-sounding Father
+Ocean to the wood-crowned summits of the lofty
+mountains, in order that we may behold clearly the
+far-seen watch-towers, and the fruits, and the
+fostering, sacred earth, and the rushing sounds of the
+divine rivers, and the roaring, loud-sounding sea; for
+the unwearied eye of Aether sparkles with glittering
+rays. Come, let us shake off the watery cloud from our
+immortal forms and survey the earth with far-seeing eye.
+
+Soc. O ye greatly venerable Clouds, ye have clearly
+heard me when I called.
+
+[Turning to Strepsiades.]
+
+Did you hear the voice, and the thunder which bellowed
+at the same time, feared as a god?
+
+Strep. I too worship you, O ye highly honoured, and am
+inclined to reply to the thundering, so much do I
+tremble at them and am alarmed. And whether it be
+lawful, or be not lawful, I have a desire just now to
+ease myself.
+
+Soc. Don't scoff, nor do what these poor-devil-poets do,
+but use words of good omen, for a great swarm of
+goddesses is in motion with their songs.
+
+Cho. Ye rain-bringing virgins, let us come to the
+fruitful land of Pallas,  to view the much-loved country
+of Cecrops,  abounding in brave men; where is reverence
+for sacred rites not to be divulged;  where the house
+that receives the initiated is thrown open in holy
+mystic rites; and gifts to the celestial gods; and
+high-roofed temples, and statues; and most sacred
+processions in honour of the blessed gods; and
+well-crowned sacrifices to the gods, and feasts, at all
+seasons; and with the approach of spring the Bacchic
+festivity, and the rousings of melodious choruses, and
+the loud-sounding music of flutes.
+
+Strep. Tell me, O Socrates, I beseech you, by Jupiter,
+who are these that have uttered this grand song? Are
+they some heroines?
+
+Soc. By no means; but heavenly Clouds, great divinities
+to idle men; who supply us with thought and argument,
+and intelligence and humbug, and circumlocution, and
+ability to hoax, and comprehension.
+
+Strep. On this account therefore my soul, having heard
+their voice, flutters, and already seeks to discourse
+subtilely, and to quibble about smoke, and having
+pricked a maxim with a little notion, to refute the
+opposite argument. So that now I eagerly desire, if by
+any means it be possible, to see them palpably.
+
+Soc. Look, then, hither, toward Mount Parnes;  for now I
+behold them descending gently.
+
+Strep. Pray where? Show me.
+
+Soc. See! There they come in great numbers through the
+hollows and thickets; there, obliquely.
+
+Strep. What's the matter? For I can't see them.
+
+Soc. By the entrance.
+
+[Enter Chorus]
+
+Strep. Now at length with difficulty I just see them.
+
+Soc. Now at length you assuredly see them, unless you
+have your eyes running pumpkins.
+
+Strep. Yes, by Jupiter! O highly honoured Clouds, for
+now they cover all things.
+
+Soc. Did you not, however, know, nor yet consider, these
+to be goddesses?
+
+Strep. No, by Jupiter! But I thought them to be mist,
+and dew, and smoke.
+
+Soc. For you do not know, by Jupiter! that these feed
+very many sophists, Thurian soothsayers, practisers of
+medicine, lazy-long-haired-onyx-ring-wearers,
+song-twisters for the cyclic dances, and meteorological
+quacks. They feed idle people who do nothing, because
+such men celebrate them in verse.
+
+Strep. For this reason, then, they introduced into their
+verses "the dreadful impetuosity of the moist,
+whirling-bright clouds"; and the "curls of
+hundred-headed Typho"; and the "hard-blowing tempests";
+and then "aerial, moist"; "crooked-clawed birds,
+floating in air"' and "the showers of rain from dewy
+Clouds." And then, in return for these, they swallow
+"slices of great, fine mullets, and bird's-flesh of
+thrushes."
+
+Soc. Is it not just, however, that they should have
+their reward, on account of these?
+
+Strep. Tell me, pray, if they are really clouds, what
+ails them, that they resemble mortal women? For they are
+not such.
+
+Soc. Pray, of what nature are they?
+
+Strep. I do not clearly know: at  any rate they resemble
+spread-out fleeces, and not women, by Jupiter! Not a
+bit; for these have noses.
+
+Soc. Answer, then, whatever I ask you.
+
+Strep. Then say quickly what you wish.
+
+Soc. Have you ever, when you; looked up, seen a cloud
+like to a centaur, or a panther, or a wolf, or a bull?
+
+Strep. By Jupiter, have I! But what of that?
+
+Soc. They become all things, whatever they please. And
+then if they see a person with long hair, a wild one of
+these hairy fellows, like the son of Xenophantes, in
+derision of his folly, they liken themselves to
+centaurs.
+
+Strep. Why, what, if they should see Simon,  a plunderer
+of the public property, what do they do?
+
+Soc. They suddenly become wolves, showing up his
+disposition.
+
+Strep. For this reason, then, for this reason, when they
+yesterday saw Cleonymus the recreant, on this account
+they became stags, because they saw this most cowardly
+fellow.
+
+Soc. And now too, because they saw Clisthenes, you
+observe, on this account they became women.
+
+Strep. Hail therefore, O mistresses! And now, if ever ye
+did to any other, to me also utter a voice reaching to
+heaven, O all-powerful queens.
+
+Cho. Hail, O ancient veteran, hunter after learned
+speeches! And thou, O priest of most subtle trifles!
+Tell us what you require? For we would not hearken to
+any other of the recent meteorological sophists, except
+to Prodicus;  to him, on account of his wisdom and
+intelligence; and to you, because you walk proudly in
+the streets, and cast your eyes askance, and endure many
+hardships with bare feet, and in reliance upon us
+lookest supercilious.
+
+Strep. O Earth, what a voice! How holy and dignified and
+wondrous!
+
+Soc. For, in fact, these alone are goddesses; and all
+the rest is nonsense.
+
+Strep. But come, by the Earth, is not Jupiter, the
+Olympian, a god?
+
+Soc. What Jupiter? Do not trifle. There is no Jupiter.
+
+Strep. What do you say? Who rains then? For first of all
+explain this to me.
+
+Soc. These to be sure. I will teach you it by powerful
+evidence. Come, where have you ever seen him raining at
+any time without Clouds? And yet he ought to rain in
+fine weather, and these be absent.
+
+Strep. By Apollo, of a truth you have rightly confirmed
+this by your present argument. And yet, before this, I
+really thought that Jupiter caused the rain. But tell me
+who is it that thunders. This makes me tremble.
+
+Soc. These, as they roll, thunder.
+
+Strep. In what way? you all-daring man!
+
+Soc. When they are full of much water, and are compelled
+to be borne along, being necessarily precipitated when
+full of rain, then they fall heavily upon each other and
+burst and clap.
+
+Strep. Who is it that compels them to borne along? Is it
+not Jupiter?
+
+Soc. By no means, but aethereal Vortex.
+
+Strep. Vortex? It had escaped my notice that Jupiter did
+not exist, and that Vortex now reigned in his stead. But
+you have taught me nothing as yet concerning the clap
+and the thunder.
+
+Soc. Have you not heard me, that I said that the Clouds,
+when full of moisture, dash against each other and clap
+by reason of their density?
+
+Strep. Come, how am I to believe this?
+
+Soc. I'll teach you from your own case. Were you ever,
+after being stuffed with broth at the Panathenaic
+festival,  then disturbed in your belly, and did a
+tumult suddenly rumble through it?
+
+Strep. Yes, by Apollo! And immediately the little broth
+plays the mischief with me, and is disturbed and rumbles
+like thunder, and grumbles dreadfully: at first gently
+pappax, pappax; and then it adds papa-pappax; and
+finally, it thunders downright papapappax, as they do.
+
+Soc. Consider, therefore, how you have trumpeted from a
+little belly so small; and how is it not probable that
+this air, being boundless, should thunder so loudly?
+
+Strep. For this reason, therefore, the two names also
+Trump and Thunder, are similar to each other. But teach
+me this, whence comes the thunderbolt blazing with fire,
+and burns us to ashes when it smites us, and singes
+those who survive. For indeed Jupiter evidently hurls
+this at the perjured.
+
+Soc. Why, how then, you foolish person, and savouring of
+the dark ages and antediluvian, if his manner is to
+smite the perjured, does he not blast Simon, and
+Cleonymus, and Theorus? And yet they are very perjured.
+But he smites his own temple, and Sunium the promontory
+of Athens, and the tall oaks. Wherefore, for indeed an
+oak does not commit perjury.
+
+Strep. I do not know; but you seem to speak well.For
+what, pray, is the thunderbolt?
+
+Soc. When a dry wind, having been raised aloft, is
+inclosed in these Clouds, it inflates them within, like
+a bladder; and then, of necessity, having burst them, it
+rushes out with vehemence by reason of its density,
+setting fire to itself through its rushing and
+impetuosity.
+
+Strep. By Jupiter, of a truth I once experienced this
+exactly at the Diasian  festival! I was roasting a
+haggis for my kinsfolk, and through neglect I did not
+cut it open; but it became inflated and then suddenly
+bursting, befouled my eyes and burned my face.
+
+Cho. O mortal, who hast desired great wisdom from us!
+How happy will you become among the Athenians and among
+the Greeks, if you be possessed of a good memory, and be
+a deep thinker, and endurance of labour be implanted in
+your soul, and you be not wearied either by standing or
+walking, nor be exceedingly vexed at shivering with
+cold, nor long to break your fast, and you refrain from
+wine, and gymnastics, and the other follies, and
+consider this the highest excellence, as is proper a
+clever man should, to conquer by action and counsel, and
+by battling with your tongue.
+
+Strep. As far as regards a sturdy spirit, and care that
+makes one's bed uneasy, and a frugal spirit and
+hard-living and savory-eating belly, be of good courage
+and don't trouble yourself; I would offer myself to
+hammer on, for that matter.
+
+Soc. Will you not, pray, now believe in no god, except
+what we believe in--this Chaos, and the Clouds, and the
+Tongue--these three?
+
+Strep. Absolutely I would not even converse with the
+others, not even if I met them; nor would I sacrifice to
+them, nor make libations,  nor offer frankincense.
+
+Cho. Tell us then boldly, what we must do for you? For
+you shall not fail in getting it, if you honour and
+admire us, and seek to become clever.
+
+Strep. O mistresses, I request of you then this very
+small favour, that I be the best of the Greeks in
+speaking by a hundred stadia.
+
+Cho. Well, you shall have this from us, so that
+hence-forward from this time no one shall get more
+opinions passed in the public assemblies than you.
+
+Strep. Grant me not to deliver important opinions; for I
+do not desire these, but only to pervert the right for
+my own advantage, and to evade my creditors.
+
+Cho. Then you shall obtain what you desire; for you do
+not covet great things. But commit yourself without fear
+to our ministers.
+
+Strep. I will do so in reliance upon you, for necessity
+oppresses me, on account of the blood-horses, and the
+marriage that ruined me. Now, therefore, let them use me
+as they please. I give up this body to them to be
+beaten, to be hungered, to be troubled with thirst, to
+be squalid, to shiver with cold, to flay into a leathern
+bottle, if I shall escape clear from my debts, and
+appear to men to be bold, glib of tongue, audacious,
+impudent, shameless, a fabricator of falsehoods,
+inventive of words, a practiced knave in lawsuits, a
+law-tablet, a thorough rattle, a fox, a sharper, a
+slippery knave, a dissembler, a slippery fellow, an
+impostor, a gallows-bird, a blackguard, a twister, a
+troublesome fellow, a licker-up of hashes. If they call
+me this, when they meet me, let them do to me absolutely
+what they please. And if they like, by Ceres, let them
+serve up a sausage out of me to the deep thinkers.
+
+Cho. This man has a spirit not void of courage, but
+prompt. Know, that if you learn these matters from me,
+you will possess among mortals a glory as high as
+heaven.
+
+Strep. What shall I experience?
+
+Cho. You shall pass with me the most enviable of mortal
+lives the whole time.
+
+Strep. Shall I then ever see this?
+
+Cho. Yea, so that many be always seated at your gates,
+wishing to communicate with you and come to a conference
+with you, to consult with you as to actions and
+affidavits of many talents, as is worthy of your
+abilities.
+
+[To Socrates.]
+
+But attempt to teach the old man by degrees whatever you
+purpose, and scrutinize his intellect, and make trial of
+his mind.
+
+Soc. Come now, tell me your own turn of mind; in order
+that, when I know of what sort it is, I may now, after
+this, apply to you new engines.
+
+Strep. What? By the gods, do you purpose to besiege me?
+
+Soc. No; I wish to briefly learn from you if you are
+possessed of a good memory.
+
+Strep. In two ways, by Jove! If anything be owing to me,
+I have a very good memory; but if I owe unhappy man, I
+am very forgetful.
+
+Soc. Is the power of speaking, pray, implanted in your
+nature?
+
+Strep. Speaking is not in me, but cheating is.
+
+Soc. How, then, will you be able to learn?
+
+Strep. Excellently, of course.
+
+Soc. Come, then, take care that, whenever I propound any
+clever dogma about abstruse matters, you catch it up
+immediately.
+
+Strep. What then? Am I to feed upon wisdom like a dog?
+
+Soc. This man is ignorant and brutish--I fear, old man,
+lest you will need blows. Come, let me see; what do you
+do if any one beat you?
+
+Strep. I take the beating; and then, when I have waited
+a little while, I call witnesses to prove it; then
+again, after a short interval, I go to law.
+
+Soc. Come, then, lay down your cloak.
+
+Strep. Have I done any wrong?
+
+Soc. No; but it is the rule to enter naked.
+
+Strep. But I do not enter to search for stolen goods.
+
+Soc. Lay it down. Why do you talk nonsense?
+
+Strep. Now tell me this, pray. If I be diligent and
+learn zealously, to which of your disciples shall I
+become like?
+
+Soc. You will no way differ from Chaerephon in
+intellect.
+
+Strep. Ah me, unhappy! I shall become half-dead.
+
+Soc. Don't chatter; but quickly follow me hither with
+smartness.
+
+Strep. Then give me first into my hands a honeyed cake;
+for I am afraid of descending within, as if into the
+cave of Trophonius.
+
+Soc. Proceed; why do you keep poking about the door?
+
+[Exeunt Socrates and Strepsiades]
+
+Cho. Well, go in peace, for the sake of this your
+valour. May prosperity attend the man, because, being
+advanced into the vale of years, he imbues his intellect
+with modern subjects, and cultivates wisdom!
+
+[Turning to the audience.]
+
+Spectators, I will freely declare to you the truth, by
+Bacchus, who nurtured me! So may I conquer, and be
+accounted skillful, as that, deeming you to be clever
+spectators, and this to be the cleverest of my comedies,
+I thought proper to let you first taste that comedy,
+which gave me the greatest labour. And then I retired
+from the contest defeated by vulgar fellows, though I
+did not deserve it. These things, therefore, I object to
+you, a learned audience, for whose sake I was expending
+this labour. But not even thus will I ever willingly
+desert the discerning portion of you. For since what
+time my Modest Man and my Rake  were very highly praised
+here by an audience, with whom it is a pleasure even to
+hold converse, and I (for I was still a virgin, and it
+was not lawful for me as yet to have children) exposed
+my offspring, and another girl took it up, and owned it,
+and you generously reared and educated it, from this
+time I have had sure pledges of your good will toward
+me. Now, therefore, like that well-known Electra, has
+this comedy come seeking, if haply it meet with an
+audience so clever, for it will recognize, if it should
+see, the lock of its brother.  But see how modest she is
+by nature, who, in the first place, has come, having
+stitched to her no leathern phallus hanging down, red at
+the top, and thick, to set the boys a laughing;  nor yet
+jeered the bald-headed, nor danced the cordax;  nor does
+the old man who speaks the verses beat the person near
+him with his staff, keeping out of sight wretched
+ribaldry; nor has she rushed in with torches, nor does
+she shout iou, iou;  but has come relying on herself and
+her verses. And I, although so excellent a poet, do not
+give myself airs, nor do I seek to deceive you by twice
+and thrice bringing forward the same pieces; but I am
+always clever at introducing new fashions, not at all
+resembling each other, and all of them clever; who
+struck Cleon  in the belly when at the height of his
+power, and could not bear to attack him afterward when
+he was down. But these scribblers, when once Hyperbolus
+has given them a handle, keep ever trampling on this
+wretched man and his mother. Eupolis,  indeed, first of
+all craftily introduced his Maricas, having basely, base
+fellow, spoiled by altering my play of the Knights,
+having added to it, for the sake of the cordax, a
+drunken old woman, whom Phrynichus long ago poetized,
+whom the whale was for devouring. Then again Hermippus
+made verses on Hyperbolus; and now all others press hard
+upon Hyperbolus, imitating my simile of the eels.
+Whoever, therefore, laughs at these, let him not take
+pleasure in my attempts; but if you are delighted with
+me and my inventions, in times to come you will seem to
+be wise.
+
+
+
+ I first invoke, to join our choral band, the mighty
+Jupiter, ruling on high, the monarch of gods; and the
+potent master of the trident, the fierce upheaver of
+earth and briny sea; and our father of great renown,
+most august Aether, life-supporter of all; and the
+horse-guider, who fills the plain of the earth with
+exceeding bright beams, a mighty deity among gods and
+mortals.
+
+
+
+ Most clever spectators, come, give us your attention;
+for having been injured, we blame you to your faces. For
+though we benefit the state most of all the gods, to us
+alone of the deities you do not offer sacrifice nor yet
+pour libations, who watch over you. For if there should
+be any expedition without prudence, then we either
+thunder or drizzle small rain.  And then, when you were
+for choosing as your general the Paphlagonian tanner,
+hateful to the gods, we contracted our brows and were
+enraged; and thunder burst through the lightning; and
+the Moon forsook her usual paths; and the Sun
+immediately drew in his wick to himself, and declared he
+would not give you light, if Cleon should be your
+general. Nevertheless you chose him. For they say that
+ill counsel is in this city; that the gods, however,
+turn all these your mismanagements to a prosperous
+issue. And how this also shall be advantageous, we will
+easily teach you. If you should convict the cormorant
+Cleon of bribery and embezzlement, and then make fast
+his neck in the stocks, the affair will turn out for the
+state to the ancient form again, if you have mismanaged
+in any way, and to a prosperous issue.
+
+
+
+ Hear me again, King Phoebus, Delian Apollo, who
+inhabitest the high-peaked Cynthian rock!  And thou,
+blessed goddess, who inhabitest the all-golden house of
+Ephesus,  in which Lydian damsels greatly reverence
+thee;  and thou, our national goddess, swayer of the
+aegis, Minerva,  guardian of the city! And thou, reveler
+Bacchus, who, inhabiting the Parnassian rock, sparklest
+with torches, conspicuous among the Delphic Bacchanals!
+
+
+
+When we had got ready to set out hither, the Moon met
+us, and commanded us first to greet the Athenians and
+their allies;  and then declared that she was angry, for
+that she had suffered dreadful things, though she
+benefits you all, not in words, but openly. In the first
+place, not less than a drachma every month for torches;
+so that also all, when they went out of an evening, were
+wont to say, "Boy, don't buy a torch, for the moonlight
+is beautiful." And she says she confers other benefits
+on you, but that you do not observe the days at all
+correctly, but confuse them up and down; so that she
+says the gods are constantly threatening her, when they
+are defrauded of their dinner, and depart home, not
+having met with the regular feast according to the
+number of the days. And then, when you ought to be
+sacrificing, you are inflicting tortures and litigating.
+And often, while we gods are observing a fast, when we
+mourn for Memnon or Sarpedon,  you are pouring libations
+and laughing. For which reason Hyperbolus, having
+obtained the lot this year to be Hieromnemon,  was
+afterward deprived by us gods of his crown; for thus he
+will know better that he ought to spend the days of his
+life according to the Moon.
+
+[Enter Socrates]
+
+Soc. By Respiration, and Chaos, and Air, I have not seen
+any man so boorish, nor so impracticable, nor so stupid,
+nor so forgetful; who, while learning some little petty
+quibbles, forgets them before he has learned them.
+Nevertheless I will certainly call him out here to the
+light. Where is Strepsiades? Come forth with your couch.
+
+Strep. (from within). The bugs do not permit me to bring
+it forth.
+
+Soc. Make haste and lay it down; and give me your
+attention.
+
+[Enter Strepsiades]
+
+Strep. Very well.
+
+Soc. Come now; what do you now wish to learn first of
+those things in none of which you have ever been
+instructed? Tell me. About measures, or rhythms, or
+verses?
+
+Strep. I should prefer to learn about measures; for it
+is but lately I was cheated out of two choenices  by a
+meal-huckster.
+
+Soc. I do not ask you this, but which you account the
+most beautiful measure; the trimetre or the tetrameter?
+
+Strep. Make a wager then with me, if the semisextarius
+be not a tetrameter.
+
+Soc. Go to the devil! How boorish you are and dull of
+learning. Perhaps you may be able to learn about
+rhythms.
+
+Strep. But what good will rhythms do me for a living?
+
+Soc. In the first place, to be clever at an
+entertainment, understanding what rhythm is for the
+war-dance, and what, again, according to the dactyle.
+
+Strep. According to the dactyle? By Jove, but I know it!
+
+Soc. Tell me, pray.
+
+Strep. What else but this finger? Formerly, indeed, when
+I was yet a boy, this here!
+
+Soc. You are boorish and stupid.
+
+Strep. For I do not desire, you wretch, to learn any of
+these things.
+
+Soc. What then?
+
+Strep. That, that, the most unjust cause.
+
+Soc. But you must learn other things before these;
+namely, what quadrupeds are properly masculine.
+
+Strep. I know the males, if I am not mad-krios, tragos,
+tauros, kuon, alektryon.
+
+Soc. Do you see what you are doing? You are calling both
+the female and the male alektryon in the same way.
+
+Strep. How, pray? Come, tell me.
+
+Soc. How? The one with you is alektryon, and the other
+is alektryon also.
+
+Strep. Yea, by Neptune! How now ought I to call them?
+
+Soc. The one alektryaina and the other alektor.
+
+Strep. Alektryaina? Capital, by the Air! So that, in
+return for this lesson alone, I will fill your kardopos
+full of barley-meal on all sides.
+
+Soc. See! See! There again is another blunder! You make
+kardopos, which is feminine, to be masculine.
+
+Strep. In what way do I make kardopos masculine?
+
+Soc. Most assuredly; just as if you were to say
+Cleonymos.
+
+Strep. Good sir, Cleonymus had no kneading-trough, but
+kneaded his bread in a round mortar. How ought I to call
+it henceforth?
+
+Soc. How? Call it kardope, as you call Sostrate.
+
+Strep. Kardope in the feminine?
+
+Soc. For so you speak it rightly.
+
+Strep. But that would make it kardope, Kleonyme.
+
+Soc. You must learn one thing more about names, what are
+masculine and what of them are feminine.
+
+Strep. I know what are female.
+
+Soc. Tell me, pray.
+
+Strep. Lysilla, Philinna, Clitagora, Demetria.
+
+Soc. What names are masculine?
+
+Strep. Thousands; Philoxenus, Melesias, Amynias.
+
+Soc. But, you wretch! These are not masculine.
+
+Strep. Are they not males with you?
+
+Soc. By no means; for how would you call Amynias, if you
+met him?
+
+Strep. How would I call? Thus: "Come hither, come hither
+Amynia!"
+
+Soc. Do you see ? You call Amynias a woman.
+
+Strep. Is it not then with justice, who does not serve
+in the army? But why should I learn these things, that
+we all know?
+
+Soc. It is no use, by Jupiter! Having reclined yourself
+down here-
+
+Strep. What must I do?
+
+Soc. Think out some of your own affairs.
+
+Strep. Not here, pray, I beseech you; but, if I must,
+suffer me to excogitate these very things on the ground.
+
+Soc. There is no other way.
+
+[Exit Socrates.]
+
+Strep. Unfortunate man that I am! What a penalty shall I
+this day pay to the bugs!
+
+Cho. Now meditate and examine closely; and roll yourself
+about in every way, having wrapped yourself up; and
+quickly, when you fall into a difficulty, spring to
+another mental contrivance. But let delightful sleep be
+absent from your eyes.
+
+Strep. Attatai! Attatai!
+
+Cho. What ails you? Why are you distressed?
+
+Strep. Wretched man, I am perishing! The Corinthians,
+coming out from the bed, are biting me, and devouring my
+sides, and drinking up my life-blood, and tearing away
+my flesh, and digging through my vitals, and will
+annihilate me.
+
+Cho. Do not now be very grievously distressed.
+
+Strep. Why, how, when my money is gone, my complexion
+gone, my life gone, and my slipper gone? And furthermore
+in addition to these evils, with singing the
+night-watches, I am almost gone myself.
+
+[Re-enter Socrates]
+
+Soc. Ho you! What are you about? Are you not meditating?
+
+Strep. I? Yea, by Neptune!
+
+Soc. And what, pray, have you thought?
+
+Strep. Whether any bit of me will be left by the bugs.
+
+Soc. You will perish most wretchedly.
+
+Strep. But, my good friend, I have already perished.
+
+Soc. You must not give in, but must wrap yourself up;
+for you have to discover a device for abstracting, and a
+means of cheating.
+
+[Walks up and down while Strepsiades wraps himself up in
+the blankets.]
+
+Strep. Ah me! Would, pray, some one would throw over me
+a swindling contrivance from the sheep-skins.
+
+Soc. Come now; I will first see this fellow, what he is
+about. Ho you! Are you asleep?
+
+Strep. No, by Apollo, I am not!
+
+Soc. Have you got anything?
+
+Strep. No; by Jupiter, certainly not!
+
+Soc. Nothing at all?
+
+Strep. Nothing, except what I have in my right hand.
+
+Soc. Will you not quickly cover yourself up and think of
+something?
+
+Strep. About what? For do you tell me this, O Socrates!
+
+Soc. Do you, yourself, first find out and state what you
+wish.
+
+Strep. You have heard a thousand times what I wish.
+About the interest; so that I may pay no one.
+
+Soc. Come then, wrap yourself up, and having given your
+mind play with subtilty, revolve your affairs by little
+and little, rightly distinguishing and examining.
+
+Strep. Ah me, unhappy man!
+
+Soc. Keep quiet; and if you be puzzled in any one of
+your conceptions, leave it and go; and then set your
+mind in motion again, and lock it up.
+
+Strep. (in great glee). O dearest little Socrates!
+
+Soc. What, old man?
+
+Strep. I have got a device for cheating them of the
+interest.
+
+Soc. Exhibit it.
+
+Strep. Now tell me this, pray; if I were to purchase a
+Thessalian witch, and draw down the moon by night,  and
+then shut it up, as if it were a mirror, in a round
+crest-case, and then carefully keep it-
+
+Soc. What good, pray, would this do you?
+
+Strep. What? If the moon were to rise no longer
+anywhere, I should not pay the interest.
+
+Soc. Why so, pray?
+
+Strep. Because the money is lent out by the month.
+
+Soc. Capital! But I will again propose to you another
+clever question. If a suit of five talents should be
+entered against you, tell me how you would obliterate
+it.
+
+Strep. How? How? I do not know but I must seek.
+
+Soc. Do not then always revolve your thoughts about
+yourself; but slack away your mind into the air, like a
+cock-chafer  tied with a thread by the foot.
+
+Strep. I have found a very clever method of getting rid
+of my suit, so that you yourself would acknowledge it.
+
+Soc. Of what description?
+
+Strep. Have you ever seen this stone in the chemist's
+shops, the beautiful and transparent one, from which
+they kindle fire?
+
+Soc. Do you mean the burning-glass?
+
+Strep. I do. Come what would you say, pray, if I were to
+take this, when the clerk was entering the suit, and
+were to stand at a distance, in the direction of the
+sun, thus, and melt out the letters of my suit?
+
+Soc. Cleverly done, by the Graces!
+
+Strep. Oh! How I am delighted, that a suit of five
+talents has been cancelled!
+
+Soc. Come now, quickly seize upon this.
+
+Strep. What?
+
+Soc. How, when engaged in a lawsuit, you could overturn
+the suit, when you were about to be cast, because you
+had no witnesses.
+
+Strep. Most readily and easily.
+
+Soc. Tell me, pray.
+
+Strep. Well now, I'll tell you. If, while one suit was
+still pending, before mine was called on, I were to run
+away and hang myself.
+
+Soc. You talk nonsense.
+
+Strep. By the gods, would I! For no one will bring
+action against me when I am dead.
+
+Soc. You talk nonsense. Begone; I can't teach you any
+longer.
+
+Strep. Why so? Yea, by the gods, O Socrates!
+
+Soc. You straightaway forget whatever you learn. For
+what now was the first thing you were taught? Tell me.
+
+Strep. Come, let me see: nay, what was the first? What
+was the fist? Nay, what was the thing in which we knead
+our flour? Ah me! What was it?
+
+Soc. Will you not pack off to the devil, you most
+forgetful and most stupid old man?
+
+Strep. Ah me, what then, pray will become of me,
+wretched man? For I shall be utterly undone, if I do not
+learn to ply the tongue. Come, O ye Clouds, give me some
+good advice.
+
+Cho. We, old man, advise you, if you have a son grown
+up, to send him to learn in your stead.
+
+Strep. Well, I have a fine, handsome son, but he is not
+willing to learn. What must I do?
+
+Cho. But do you permit him?
+
+Strep. Yes, for he is robust in body, and in good
+health, and is come of the high-plumed dames of Coesyra.
+I will go for him, and if he be not willing, I will
+certainly drive him from my house.
+
+[To Socrates.]
+
+Go in and wait for me a short time.
+
+[Exit]
+
+Cho. Do you perceive that you are soon to obtain the
+greatest benefits through us alone of the gods? For this
+man is ready to do everything that you bid him. But you,
+while the man is astounded and evidently elated, having
+perceived it, will quickly fleece him to the best of
+your power.
+
+[Exit Socrates]
+
+For matters of this sort are somehow accustomed to turn
+the other way.
+
+[Enter Strepsiades and Phidippides]
+
+Strep. By Mist, you certainly shall not stay here any
+longer! But go and gnaw the columns of Megacles.
+
+Phid. My good sir, what is the matter with you, O
+father? You are not in your senses, by Olympian Jupiter!
+
+Strep. See, see, "Olympian Jupiter!" What folly! To
+think of your believing in Jupiter, as old as you are!
+
+Phid. Why, pray, did you laugh at this?
+
+Strep. Reflecting that you are a child, and have
+antiquated notions. Yet, however, approach, that you may
+know more; and I will tell you a thing, by learning
+which you will be a man. But see that you do not teach
+this to any one.
+
+Phid. Well, what is it?
+
+Strep. You swore now by Jupiter.
+
+Phid. I did.
+
+Strep. Seest thou, then, how good a thing is learning?
+There is no Jupiter, O Phidippides!
+
+Phid. Who then?
+
+Strep. Vortex reigns, having expelled Jupiter.
+
+Phid. Bah! Why do you talk foolishly?
+
+Strep. Be assured that it is so.
+
+Phid. Who says this?
+
+Strep. Socrates the Melian, and Chaerephon, who knows
+the footmarks of fleas.
+
+Phid. Have you arrived at such a pitch of frenzy that
+you believe madmen?
+
+Strep. Speak words of good omen, and say nothing bad of
+clever men and wise; of whom, through frugality, none
+ever shaved or anointed himself, or went to a bath to
+wash himself; while you squander my property in bathing,
+as if I were already dead. But go as quickly as possible
+and learn instead of me.
+
+Phid. What good could any one learn from them?
+
+Strep. What, really? Whatever wisdom there is among men.
+And you will know yourself, how ignorant and stupid you
+are. But wait for me here a short time.
+
+[Runs off]
+
+Phid. Ah me! What shall I do, my father being crazed?
+Shall I bring him into court and convict him of lunacy,
+or shall I give information of his madness to the
+coffin-makers?
+
+[Re-enter Strepsiades with a cock under one arm and a
+hen under the other]
+
+Strep. Come, let me see; what do you consider this to
+be? Tell me.
+
+Phid. Alectryon.
+
+Strep. Right. And what this?
+
+Phid. Alectryon.
+
+Strep. Both the same? You are very ridiculous. Do not do
+so, then, for the future; but call this alektryaina, and
+this one alektor.
+
+Phid. Alektryaina! Did you learn these clever things by
+going in just now to the Titans?
+
+Strep. And many others too; but whatever I learned on
+each occasion I used to forget immediately, through
+length of years.
+
+Phid. Is it for this reason, pray, that you have also
+lost your cloak?
+
+Strep. I have not lost it; but have studied it away.
+
+Phid. What have you made of your slippers, you foolish
+man?
+
+Strep. I have expended them, like Pericles, for needful
+purposes.  Come, move, let us go. And then if you obey
+your father, go wrong if you like. I also know that I
+formerly obeyed you, a lisping child of six years old,
+and bought you a go-cart at the Diasia, with the first
+obolus I received from the Heliaea.
+
+Phid. You will assuredly some time at length be grieved
+at this.
+
+Strep. It is well done of you that you obeyed. Come
+hither, come hither O Socrates! Come forth, for I bring
+to you this son of mine, having persuaded him against
+his will.
+
+[Enter Socrates]
+
+Soc. For he is still childish, and not used to the
+baskets here.
+
+Phid. You would yourself be used to them if you were
+hanged.
+
+Strep. A mischief take you! Do you abuse your teacher?
+
+Soc. "Were hanged" quoth 'a! How sillily he pronounced
+it, and with lips wide apart! How can this youth ever
+learn an acquittal from a trial or a legal summons, or
+persuasive refutation? And yet Hyperbolus learned this
+at the cost of a talent.
+
+Strep. Never mind; teach him. He is clever by nature.
+Indeed, from his earliest years, when he was a little
+fellow only so big, he was wont to form houses and carve
+ships within-doors, and make little wagons of leather,
+and make frogs out of pomegranate-rinds, you can't think
+how cleverly. But see that he learns those two causes;
+the better, whatever it may be; and the worse, which, by
+maintaining what is unjust, overturns the better. If not
+both, at any rate the unjust one by all means.
+
+Soc. He shall learn it himself from the two causes in
+person.
+
+[Exit Socrates]
+
+Strep. I will take my departure. Remember this now, that
+he is to be able to reply to all just arguments.
+
+[Exit Strepsiades and enter Just Cause and Unjust Cause]
+
+Just Cause. Come hither! Show yourself to the
+spectators, although being audacious.
+
+Unjust Cause. Go whither you please; for I shall far
+rather do for you, if I speak before a crowd.
+
+Just. You destroy me? Who are you?
+
+Unj. A cause.
+
+Just. Ay, the worse.
+
+Unj. But I conquer you, who say that you are better than
+I.
+
+Just. By doing what clever trick?
+
+Unj. By discovering new contrivances.
+
+Just. For these innovations flourish by the favour of
+these silly persons.
+
+Unj. No; but wise persons.
+
+Just I will destroy you miserably.
+
+Unj. Tell me, by doing what?
+
+Just By speaking what is just.
+
+Unj. But I will overturn them by contradicting them; for
+I deny that justice even exists at all.
+
+Just Do you deny that it exists?
+
+Unj. For come, where is it?
+
+Just With the gods.
+
+Unj. How, then, if justice exists, has Jupiter not
+perished, who bound his own father?
+
+Just Bah! This profanity now is spreading! Give me a
+basin.
+
+Unj. You are a dotard and absurd.
+
+Just You are debauched and shameless.
+
+Unj. You have spoken roses of me.
+
+Just And a dirty lickspittle.
+
+Unj. You crown me with lilies.
+
+Just And a parricide.
+
+Unj. You don't know that you are sprinkling me with
+gold.
+
+Just Certainly not so formerly, but with lead.
+
+Unj. But now this is an ornament to me.
+
+Just You are very impudent.
+
+Unj. And you are antiquated.
+
+Just And through you, no one of our youths is willing to
+go to school; and you will be found out some time or
+other by the Athenians, what sort of doctrines you teach
+the simple-minded.
+
+Unj. You are shamefully squalid.
+
+Just And you are prosperous. And yet formerly you were a
+beggar saying that you were the Mysian Telephus,  and
+gnawing the maxims of Pandeletus out of your little
+wallet.
+
+Unj. Oh, the wisdom--
+
+Just Oh, the madness--
+
+Unj. Which you have mentioned.
+
+Just And of your city, which supports you who ruin her
+youths.
+
+Unj. You shan't teach this youth, you old dotard.
+
+Just Yes, if he is to be saved, and not merely to
+practise loquacity.
+
+Unj. (to Phidippides) Come hither, and leave him to
+rave.
+
+Just You shall howl, if you lay your hand on him.
+
+Cho. Cease from contention and railing. But show to us,
+you, what you used to teach the men of former times, and
+you, the new system of education; in order that, having
+heard you disputing, he may decide and go to the school
+of one or the other.
+
+Just. I am willing to do so.
+
+Unj. I also am willing.
+
+Cho. Come now, which of the two shall speak first?
+
+Unj. I will give him the precedence; and then, from
+these things which he adduces, I will shoot him dead
+with new words and thoughts. And at last, if he mutter,
+he shall be destroyed, being stung in his whole face and
+his two eyes by my maxims, as if by bees.
+
+Cho. Now the two, relying on very dexterous arguments
+and thoughts, and sententious maxims, will show which of
+them shall appear superior in argument. For now the
+whole crisis of wisdom is here laid before them; about
+which my friends have a very great contest. But do you,
+who adorned our elders with many virtuous manners, utter
+the voice in which you rejoice, and declare your nature.
+
+Just. I will, therefore, describe the ancient system of
+education, how it was ordered, when I flourished in the
+advocacy of justice, and temperance was the fashion. In
+the first place it was incumbent that no one should hear
+the voice of a boy uttering a syllable; and next, that
+those from the same quarter of the town should march in
+good order through the streets to the school of the
+harp-master, naked, and in a body, even if it were to
+snow as thick as meal. Then again, their master would
+teach them, not sitting cross-legged, to learn by rote a
+song, either "pallada persepolin deinan"  or "teleporon
+ti boama"  raising to a higher pitch the harmony which
+our fathers transmitted to us. But if any of them were
+to play the buffoon, or to turn any quavers, like these
+difficult turns the present artists make after the
+manner of Phrynis, he used to be thrashed, being beaten
+with many blows, as banishing the Muses. And it behooved
+the boys, while sitting in the school of the
+Gymnastic-master, to cover the thigh, so that they might
+exhibit nothing indecent to those outside; then again,
+after rising from the ground, to sweep the sand
+together, and to take care not to leave an impression of
+the person for their lovers. And no boy used in those
+days to anoint himself below the navel; so that their
+bodies wore the appearance of blooming health. Nor used
+he to go to his lover, having made up his voice in an
+effeminate tone, prostituting himself with his eyes. Nor
+used it to be allowed when one was dining to take the
+head of the radish, or to snatch from their seniors dill
+or parsley, or to eat fish, or to giggle, or to keep the
+legs crossed.
+
+Unj. Aye, antiquated and dipolia-like  and full of
+grasshoppers, and of Cecydes, and of the Buphonian
+festival!
+
+Just Yet certainly these are those principles by which
+my system of education nurtured the men who fought at
+Marathon. But you teach the men of the present day, so
+that I am choked, when at the Panathenaia a fellow,
+holding his shield before his person, neglects
+Tritogenia,  when they ought to dance. Wherefore, O
+youth, choose with confidence, me, the better cause, and
+you will learn to hate the Agora, and to refrain from
+baths, and to be ashamed of what is disgraceful, and to
+be enraged if any one jeer you, and to rise up from
+seats before your seniors when they approach, and not to
+behave ill toward your parents, and to do nothing else
+that is base, because you are to form in your mind an
+image of Modesty: and not to dart into the house of a
+dancing-woman, lest, while gaping after these things,
+being struck with an apple by a wanton, you should be
+damaged in your reputation: and not to contradict your
+father in anything; nor by calling him Iapetus, to
+reproach him with the ills of age, by which you were
+reared in your infancy.
+
+Unj. If you shall believe him in this, O youth, by
+Bacchus, you will be like the sons of Hippocrates, and
+they will call you a booby.
+
+Just. Yet certainly shall you spend your time in the
+gymnastic schools, sleek and blooming; not chattering in
+the market-place rude jests, like the youths of the
+present day; nor dragged into court for a petty suit,
+greedy, pettifogging, knavish; but you shall descend to
+the Academy  and run races beneath the sacred olives
+along with some modest compeer, crowned with white
+reeds, redolent of yew, and careless ease, of
+leaf-shedding white poplar, rejoicing in the season of
+spring, when the plane-tree whispers to the elm. If you
+do these things which I say, and apply your mind to
+these, you will ever have a stout chest, a clear
+complexion, broad shoulders, a little tongue, large
+hips, little lewdness. But if you practise what the
+youths of the present day do, you will have in the first
+place, a pallid complexion, small shoulders, a narrow
+chest, a large tongue, little hips, great lewdness, a
+long psephism;  and this deceiver will persuade you to
+consider everything that is base to be honourable, and
+what is honourable to be base; and in addition to this,
+he will fill you with the lewdness of Antimachus.
+
+Cho. O thou that practisest most renowned high-towering
+wisdom! How sweetly does a modest grace attend your
+words! Happy, therefore, were they who lived in those
+days, in the times of former men! In reply, then, to
+these, O thou that hast a dainty-seeming Muse, it
+behooveth thee to say something new; since the man has
+gained renown. And it appears you have need of powerful
+arguments against him, if you are to conquer the man and
+not incur laughter.
+
+Unj. And yet I was choking in my heart, and was longing
+to confound all these with contrary maxims. For I have
+been called among the deep thinkers the "worse cause" on
+this very account, that I first contrived how to speak
+against both law and justice; and this art is worth more
+than ten thousand staters, that one should choose the
+worse cause, and nevertheless be victorious. But mark
+how I will confute the system of education on which he
+relies, who says, in the first place, that he will not
+permit you to be washed with warm water. And yet, on
+what principle do you blame the warm baths?
+
+Just. Because it is most vile, and makes a man cowardly.
+
+Unj. Stop! For immediately I seize and hold you by the
+waist without escape. Come, tell me, which of the sons
+of Jupiter do you deem to have been the bravest in soul,
+and to have undergone most labours?
+
+Just. I consider no man superior to Hercules.
+
+Unj. Where, pray, did you ever see cold Herculean baths?
+And yet, who was more valiant than he?
+
+Just. These are the very things which make the bath full
+of youths always chattering all day long, but the
+palaestras empty.
+
+Unj. You next find fault with their living in the
+market-place; but I commend it. For if it had been bad,
+Homer would never have been for representing Nestor  as
+an orator; nor all the other wise men. I will return,
+then, from thence to the tongue, which this fellow says
+our youths ought not to exercise, while I maintain they
+should. And again, he says they ought to be modest: two
+very great evils. For tell me to whom you have ever seen
+any good accrue through modesty and confute me by your
+words.
+
+Just. To many. Peleus,  at any rate, received his sword
+on account of it.
+
+Unj. A sword? Marry, he got a pretty piece of luck, the
+poor wretch! While Hyperbolus, he of the lamps, got more
+than many talents by his villainy, but by Jupiter, no
+sword!
+
+Just. And Peleus married Thetis, too, through his
+modesty.
+
+Unj. And then she went off and left him; for he was not
+lustful, nor an agreeable bedfellow to spend the night
+with. Now a woman delights in being wantonly treated.
+But you are an old dotard. For (to Phidippides)
+consider, O youth, all that attaches to modesty, and of
+how many pleasures you are about to be deprived--of
+women, of games at cottabus, of dainties, of
+drinking-bouts, of giggling. And yet, what is life worth
+to you if you be deprived of these enjoyments? Well, I
+will pass from thence to the necessities of our nature.
+You have gone astray, you have fallen in love, you have
+been guilty of some adultery, and then have been caught.
+You are undone, for you are unable to speak. But if you
+associate with me, indulge your inclination, dance,
+laugh, and think nothing disgraceful. For if you should
+happen to be detected as an adulterer, you will make
+this reply to him, " that you have done him no injury":
+and then refer him to Jupiter, how even he is overcome
+by love and women . And yet, how could you, who are a
+mortal, have greater power than a god?
+
+Just. But what if he should suffer the radish through
+obeying you, and be depillated with hot ashes?  What
+argument will he be able to state, to prove that he is
+not a blackguard?
+
+Unj. And if he be a blackguard, what harm will he
+suffer?
+
+Just. Nay, what could he ever suffer still greater than
+this?
+
+Unj. What then will you say if you be conquered by me in
+this?
+
+Just. I will be silent: what else can I do?
+
+Unj. Come, now, tell me; from what class do the
+advocates come?
+
+Just. From the blackguards.
+
+Unj. I believe you. What then? From what class do
+tragedians come?
+
+Just. From the blackguards.
+
+Unj. You say well. But from what class do the public
+orators come?
+
+Just. From the blackguards.
+
+Unj. Then have you perceived that you say nothing to the
+purpose? And look which class among the audience is the
+more numerous.
+
+Just. Well now, I'm looking.
+
+Unj. What, then, do you see?
+
+Just. By the gods, the blackguards to be far more
+numerous. This fellow, at any rate, I know; and him
+yonder; and this fellow with the long hair.
+
+Unj. What, then, will you say?
+
+Just. We are conquered. Ye blackguards, by the gods,
+receive my cloak, for I desert to you.
+
+[Exeunt the Two Causes, and re-enter Socrates and
+Strepsiades.]
+
+Soc. What then? whether do you wish to take and lead
+away this your son, or shall I teach him to speak?
+
+Strep. Teach him, and chastise him: and remember that
+you train him properly; on the one side able for petty
+suits; but train his other jaw able for the more
+important causes.
+
+Soc. Make yourself easy; you shall receive him back a
+clever sophist.
+
+Strep. Nay, rather, pale and wretched.
+
+[Exeunt Socrates, Strepsiades, and Phidippides.]
+
+Cho. Go ye, then: but I think that you will repent of
+these proceedings. We wish to speak about the judges,
+what they will gain, if at all they justly assist this
+Chorus. For in the first place, if you wish to plough up
+your fields in spring, we will rain for you first; but
+for the others afterward. And then we will protect the
+fruits, and the vines, so that neither drought afflict
+them, nor excessive wet weather. But if any mortal
+dishonour us who are goddesses, let him consider what
+evils he will suffer at our hands, obtaining neither
+wine nor anything else from his farm. For when his
+olives and vines sprout, they shall be cut down; with
+such slings will we smite them. And if we see him making
+brick, we will rain; and we will smash the tiles of his
+roof with round hailstones. And if he himself, or any
+one of his kindred or friends, at any time marry, we
+will rain the whole night; so he will probably wish
+rather to have been even in Egypt than to have judged
+badly.
+
+[Enter Strepsiades with a meal-sack on his shoulder.]
+
+Strep. The fifth, the fourth, the third, after this the
+second; and then, of all the days I most fear, and
+dread, and abominate, immediately after this there is
+the Old and New. For every one to whom I happen to be
+indebted, swears, and says he will ruin and destroy me,
+having made his deposits against me; though I only ask
+what is moderate and just-"My good sir, one part don't
+take just now; the other part put off I pray; and the
+other part remit"; they say that thus they will never
+get back their money, but abuse me, as I am unjust, and
+say they will go to law with me. Now therefore let them
+go to law, for it little concerns me, if Phidippides has
+learned to speak well. I shall soon know by knocking at
+the thinking-shop.
+
+[Knocks at the door.]
+
+Boy, I say! Boy, boy!
+
+[Enter Socrates]
+
+Soc. Good morning, Strepsiades.
+
+Strep. The same to you. But first accept this present;
+for one ought to compliment the teacher with a fee. And
+tell me about my son, if he has learned that cause,
+which you just now brought forward.
+
+Soc. He has learned it.
+
+Strep. Well done, O Fraud, all-powerful queen!
+
+Soc. So that you can get clear off from whatever suit
+you please.
+
+Strep. Even if witnesses were present when I borrowed
+the money?
+
+Soc. Yea, much more! Even if a thousand be present.
+
+Strep. Then I will shout with a very loud shout: Ho!
+Weep, you petty-usurers, both you and your principals,
+and your compound interests! For you can no longer do me
+any harm, because such a son is being reared for me in
+this house, shining with a double-edged tongue, for my
+guardian, the preserver of my house, a mischief to my
+enemies, ending the sadness of the great woes of his
+father. Him do thou run and summon from within to me.
+
+[Socrates goes into the house.]
+
+O child! O son! Come forth from the house! Hear your
+father!
+
+[Re-enter Socrates leading in Phidippides]
+
+Soc. Lo, here is the man!
+
+Strep. O my dear, my dear!
+
+Soc. Take your son and depart.
+
+[Exit Socrates.]
+
+Strep. Oh, oh, my child! Huzza! Huzza! How I am
+delighted at the first sight of your complexion! Now,
+indeed, you are, in the first place, negative and
+disputatious to look at, and this fashion native to the
+place plainly appears, the "what do you say?" and the
+seeming to be injured when, I well know, you are
+injuring and inflicting a wrong; and in your countenance
+there is the Attic look. Now, therefore, see that you
+save me, since you have also ruined me.
+
+Phid. What, pray, do you fear?
+
+Strep. The Old and New.
+
+Phid. Why, is any day old and new?
+
+Strep. Yes; on which they say that they will make their
+deposits against me.
+
+Phid. Then those that have made them will lose them; for
+it is not possible that two days can be one day.
+
+Strep. Can not it?
+
+Phid. Certainly not; unless the same woman can be both
+old and young at the same time.
+
+Strep. And yet it is the law.
+
+Phid. For they do not, I think, rightly understand what
+the law means.
+
+Strep. And what does it mean?
+
+Phid. The ancient Solon  was by nature the commons'
+friend.
+
+Strep.This surely is nothing whatever to the Old and
+New.
+
+Phid. He therefore made the summons for two days, for
+the Old and New, that the deposits might be made on the
+first of the month.
+
+Strep. Why, pray, did he add the old day?
+
+Phid. In order, my good sir, that the defendants, being
+present a day before, might compromise the matter of
+their own accord; but if not, that they might be worried
+on the morning of the new moon.
+
+Strep. Why, then, do the magistrates not receive the
+deposits on the new moon, but on the Old and New?
+
+Phid. They seem to me to do what the forestallers do: in
+order that they may appreciate the deposits as soon as
+possible, on this account they have the first pick by
+one day.
+
+Strep. (turning to the audience) Bravo! Ye wretches, why
+do you sit senseless, the gain of us wise men, being
+blocks, ciphers, mere sheep, jars heaped together,
+wherefore I must sing an encomium upon myself and this
+my son, on account of our good fortune. "O happy
+Strepsiades! How wise you are yourself, and how
+excellent is the son whom you are rearing!" My friends
+and fellow-tribesmen will say of me, envying me, when
+you prove victorious in arguing causes. But first I wish
+to lead you in and entertain you.
+
+[Exeunt Strepsiades and Phidippides.]
+
+Pasias (entering with his summons-witness) Then, ought a
+man to throw away any part of his own property? Never!
+But it were better then at once to put away blushes,
+rather than now to have trouble; since I am now dragging
+you to be a witness, for the sake of my own money; and
+further, in addition to this, I shall become an enemy to
+my fellow-tribesman. But never, while I live, will I
+disgrace my country, but will summon Strepsiades.
+
+Strep. (from within) Who's there?
+
+Pas. For the Old and New.
+
+Strep. I call you to witness, that he has named it for
+two days. For what matter do you summon me?
+
+Pas. For the twelve minae, which you received when you
+were buying the dapple-gray horse.
+
+Strep. A horse? Do you not hear? I, whom you all know to
+hate horsemanship!
+
+Pas. And, by Jupiter! You swore by the gods too, that
+you would repay it.
+
+Strep. Ay, by Jove! For then my Phidippides did not yet
+know the irrefragable argument.
+
+Pas. And do you now intend, on this account, to deny the
+debt?
+
+Strep. Why, what good should I get else from his
+instruction?
+
+Pas. And will you be willing to deny these upon oath of
+the gods?
+
+Strep. What gods?
+
+Pas. Jupiter, Mercury, and Neptune.
+
+Strep. Yes, by Jupiter! And would pay down, too, a
+three-obol piece besides to swear.
+
+Pas. Then may you perish some day for your impudence!
+
+Strep. This man would be the better for it if he were
+cleansed by rubbing with salt.
+
+Pas. Ah me, how you deride me!
+
+Strep. He will contain six choae.
+
+ Pas. By great Jupiter and the gods, you certainly shall
+not do this to me with impunity!
+
+Strep. I like your gods amazingly; and Jupiter, sworn
+by, is ridiculous to the knowing ones.
+
+ Pas. You will assuredly suffer punishment, some time or
+other, for this. But answer and dismiss me, whether you
+are going to repay me my money or not.
+
+Strep. Keep quiet now, for I will presently answer you
+distinctly.
+
+[Runs into the house.]
+
+Pas. (to his summons-witness). What do you think he will
+do?
+
+Witness. I think he will pay you.
+
+[Re-enter Strepsiades with a kneading-trough]
+
+Strep. Where is this man who asks me for his money? Tell
+me what is this?
+
+Pas. What is this? A kardopos.
+
+Strep. And do you then ask me for your money, being such
+an ignorant person? I would not pay, not even an obolus,
+to any one who called the kardope kardopos.
+
+Pas. Then won't you pay me?
+
+Strep. Not, as far as I know. Will you not then pack off
+as fast as possible from my door?
+
+Pas. I will depart; and be assured of this, that I will
+make deposit against you, or may I live no longer!
+
+Strep. Then you will lose it besides, in addition to
+your twelve minae. And yet I do not wish you to suffer
+this, because you named the kardopos floolishly.
+
+[Exeunt Pasias and Witness, and enter Amynias]
+
+Amynias. Ah me! Ah me!
+
+Strep. Ha! Whoever is this, who is lamenting? Surely it
+was not one of Carcinus' deities  that spoke.
+
+Amyn. But why do you wish to know this, who I am?-A
+miserable man.
+
+Strep. Then follow your own path.
+
+Amyn. O harsh fortune! O Fates, breaking the wheels of
+my horses! O Pallas, how you have destroyed me!
+
+Strep. What evil, pray, has Tlepolemus  ever done you?
+
+Amyn. Do not jeer me, my friend; but order your son to
+pay me the money which he received; especially as I have
+been unfortunate.
+
+Strep. What money is this?
+
+Amyn. That which he borrowed.
+
+Strep. Then you were really unlucky, as I think.
+
+Amyn. By the gods, I fell while driving my horses.
+
+Strep. Why, pray, do you talk nonsense, as if you had
+fallen from an ass?
+
+Amyn. Do I talk nonsense if I wish to recover my money?
+
+Strep. You can't be in your senses yourself.
+
+Amyn. Why, pray?
+
+Strep. You appear to me to have had your brains shaken
+as it were.
+
+Amyn. And you appear to me, by Hermes, to be going to be
+summoned, if you will not pay me the money?
+
+Strep. Tell me now, whether you think that Jupiter
+always rains fresh rain on each occasion, or that the
+sun draws from below the same water back again?
+
+Amyn. I know not which; nor do I care.
+
+Strep. How then is it just that you should recover your
+money, if you know nothing of meteorological matters?
+
+Amyn. Well, if you are in want, pay me the interest of
+my money.
+
+Strep. What sort of animal is this interest?
+
+Amyn. Most assuredly the money is always becoming more
+and more every month and every day as the time slips
+away.
+
+Strep. You say well. What then? Is it possible that you
+consider the sea to be greater now than formerly?
+
+Amyn. No, by Jupiter, but equal; for it is not fitting
+that it should be greater.
+
+Strep. And how then, you wretch does this become no way
+greater, though the rivers flow into it, while you seek
+to increase your money? Will you not take yourself off
+from my house? Bring me the goad.
+
+[Enter Servant with a goad.]
+
+ Amyn. I call you to witness these things.
+
+Strep. (beating him). Go! Why do you delay? Won't you
+march, Mr. Blood-horse?
+
+Amyn. Is not this an insult, pray?
+
+Strep. Will you move quickly?
+
+ [Pricks him behind with the goad.]
+
+I'll lay on you, goading you behind, you outrigger? Do
+you fly?
+
+[Amynias runs off.]
+
+I thought I should stir you, together with your wheels
+and your two-horse chariots.
+
+[Exit Strepsiades.]
+
+Cho. What a thing it is to love evil courses! For this
+old man, having loved them, wishes to withhold the money
+that he borrowed. And he will certainly meet with
+something today, which will perhaps cause this sophist
+to suddenly receive some misfortune, in return for the
+knaveries he has begun. For I think that he will
+presently find what has been long boiling up, that his
+son is skilful to speak opinions opposed to justice, so
+as to overcome all with whomsoever he holds converse,
+even if he advance most villainous doctrines; and
+perhaps, perhaps his father will wish that he were even
+speechless.
+
+Strep. (running out of the house pursued by his son)
+Hollo! Hollo! O neighbours, and kinsfolk, and
+fellow-tribesmen, defend me, by all means, who am being
+beaten! Ah me, unhappy man, for my head and jaw! Wretch!
+Do you beat your father?
+
+Phid. Yes, father.
+
+Strep. You see him owning that he beats me.
+
+Phid. Certainly.
+
+Strep. O wretch, and parricide, and house-breaker!
+
+Phid. Say the same things of me again, and more. Do you
+know that I take pleasure in being much abused?
+
+Strep. You blackguard!
+
+Phid. Sprinkle me with roses in abundance.
+
+Strep. Do you beat your father?
+
+Phid. And will prove too, by Jupiter! that I beat you
+with justice.
+
+Strep. O thou most rascally! Why, how can it be just to
+beat a father?
+
+Phid. I will demonstrate it, and will overcome you in
+argument.
+
+Strep. Will you overcome me in this?
+
+Phid. Yea, by much and easily. But choose which of the
+two Causes you wish to speak.
+
+Strep. Of what two Causes?
+
+Phid. The better, or the worse?
+
+Strep. Marry, I did get you taught to speak against
+justice, by Jupiter, my friend, if you are going to
+persuade me of this, that it is just and honourable for
+a father to be beaten by his sons!
+
+Phid. I think I shall certainly persuade you; so that,
+when you have heard, not even you yourself will say
+anything against it.
+
+Strep. Well, now, I am willing to hear what you have to
+say.
+
+Cho. It is your business, old man, to consider in what
+way you shall conquer the man; for if he were not
+relying upon something, he would not be so licentious.
+But he is emboldened by something; the boldness of the
+man is evident. Now you ought to tell to the Chorus from
+what the contention first arose. And this you must do by
+all means.
+
+Strep. Well, now, I will tell you from what we first
+began to rail at one another. After we had feasted, as
+you know, I first bade him take a lyre, and sing a song
+of Simonides, "The Shearing of the Ram."  But he
+immediately said it was old-fashioned to play on the
+lyre and sing while drinking, like a woman grinding
+parched barley.
+
+Phid. For ought you not then immediately to be beaten
+and trampled on, bidding me sing, just as if you were
+entertaining cicadae?
+
+Strep. He expressed, however, such opinions then too
+within, as he does now; and he asserted that Simonides
+was a bad poet. I bore it at first, with difficulty
+indeed, yet nevertheless I bore it. And then I bade him
+at least take a myrtle-wreath and recite to me some
+portion of Aeschylus; and then he immediately said,
+"Shall I consider Aeschylus the first among the poets,
+full of empty sound, unpolished, bombastic, using rugged
+words?" And hereupon you can't think how my heart
+panted. But, nevertheless, I restrained my passion, and
+said, "At least recite some passage of the more modern
+poets, of whatever kind these clever things be." And he
+immediately sang a passage of Euripides, how a brother,
+O averter of ill! Debauched his uterine sister. And I
+bore it no longer, but immediately assailed him with
+many abusive reproaches. And then, after that, as was
+natural, we hurled word upon word. Then he springs upon
+me; and then he was wounding me, and beating me, and
+throttling me.
+
+Phid. Were you not therefore justly beaten, who do not
+praise Euripides, the wisest of poets?
+
+Strep. He the wisest! Oh, what shall I call you? But I
+shall be beaten again.
+
+Phid. Yes, by Jupiter, with justice?
+
+Strep. Why, how with justice? Who, O shameless fellow,
+reared you, understanding all your wishes, when you
+lisped what you meant? If you said bryn, I,
+understanding it, used to give you to drink. And when
+you asked for mamman, I used to come to you with bread.
+And you used no sooner to say caccan, than I used to
+take and carry you out of doors, and hold you before me.
+But you now, throttling me who was bawling and crying
+out because I wanted to ease myself, had not the heart
+to carry me forth out of doors, you wretch; but I did it
+there while I was being throttled.
+
+Cho. I fancy the hearts of the youths are panting to
+hear what he will say. For if, after having done such
+things, he shall persuade him by speaking, I would not
+take the hide of the old folks, even at the price of a
+chick-pea. It is thy business, thou author and upheaver
+of new words, to seek some means of persuasion, so that
+you shall seem to speak justly.
+
+Phid. How pleasant it is to be acquainted with new and
+clever things, and to be able to despise the established
+laws! For I, when I applied my mind to horsemanship
+alone, used not to be able to utter three words before I
+made a mistake; but now, since he himself has made me
+cease from these pursuits, and I am acquainted with
+subtle thoughts, and arguments, and speculations, I
+think I shall demonstrate that it is just to chastise
+one's father.
+
+Strep. Ride, then, by Jupiter! Since it is better for me
+to keep a team of four horses than to be killed with a
+beating.
+
+Phid. I will pass over to that part of my discourse
+where you interrupted me; and first I will ask you this:
+Did you beat me when I was a boy?
+
+Strep. I did, through good-will and concern for you.
+
+Phid. Pray tell me, is it not just that I also should be
+well inclined toward you in the same way, and beat you,
+since this is to be well inclined-to give a beating? For
+why ought your body to be exempt from blows and mine
+not? And yet I too was born free. The boys weep, and do
+you not think it is right that a father should weep? You
+will say that it is ordained by law that this should be
+the lot of boys. But I would reply, that old men are
+boys twice over, and that it is the more reasonable that
+the old should weep than the young, inasmuch as it is
+less just that they should err.
+
+Strep. It is nowhere ordained by law that a father
+should suffer this.
+
+Phid. Was it not then a man like you and me, who first
+proposed this law, and by speaking persuaded the
+ancients? Why then is it less lawful for me also in turn
+to propose henceforth a new law for the sons, that they
+should beat their fathers in turn? But as many blows as
+we received before the law was made, we remit: and we
+concede to them our having been thrashed without return.
+Observe the cocks and these other animals, how they
+punish their fathers; and yet, in what do they differ
+from us, except that they do not write decrees?
+
+Strep. Why then, since you imitate the cocks in all
+things, do you not both eat dung and sleep on a perch?
+
+Phid. It is not the same thing, my friend; nor would it
+appear so to Socrates.
+
+Strep. Therefore do not beat me; otherwise you will one
+day blame yourself.
+
+Phid. Why, how?
+
+Strep. Since I am justly entitled to chastise you; and
+you to chastise your son, if you should have one.
+
+Phid. But if I should not have one, I shall have wept
+for nothing, and you will die laughing at me.
+
+Strep. To me, indeed, O comrades, he seems to speak
+justly; and I think we ought to concede to them what is
+fitting. For it is proper that we should weep, if we do
+not act justly.
+
+Phid. Consider still another maxim.
+
+Strep. No; for I shall perish if I do.
+
+Phid. And yet perhaps you will not be vexed at suffering
+what you now suffer.
+
+Strep. How, pray? For inform me what good you will do me
+by this.
+
+Phid. I will beat my mother, just as I have you.
+
+Strep. What do you say? What do you say? This other,
+again, is a greater wickedness.
+
+Phid. But what if, having the worst Cause, I shall
+conquer you in arguing, proving that it is right to beat
+one's mother?
+
+Strep. Most assuredly, if you do this, nothing will
+hinder you from casting yourself and your Worse Cause
+into the pit along with Socrates. These evils have I
+suffered through you, O Clouds! Having intrusted all my
+affairs to you.
+
+Cho. Nay, rather, you are yourself  the cause of these
+things, having turned yourself to wicked courses.
+
+Strep. Why, pray, did you not tell me this, then, but
+excited with hopes a rustic and aged man?
+
+Cho. We always do this to him whom we perceive to be a
+lover of wicked courses, until we precipitate him into
+misfortune, so that he may learn to fear the gods.
+
+Strep. Ah me ! it is severe, O Clouds! But it is just;
+for I ought not to have withheld the money which I
+borrowed. Now, therefore, come with me, my dearest son,
+that you may destroy the blackguard Chaerephon and
+Socrates, who deceived you and me.
+
+Phid. I will not injure my teachers.
+
+Strep. Yes, yes, reverence Paternal Jove.
+
+Phid. "Paternal Jove" quoth'a! How antiquated you are!
+Why, is there any Jove?
+
+Strep. There is.
+
+Phid. There is not, no; for Vortex reigns having
+expelled Jupiter.
+
+Strep. He has not expelled him; but I fancied this, on
+account of this Vortex here. Ah me, unhappy man! When I
+even took you who are of earthenware for a god.
+
+Phid. Here rave and babble to yourself.
+
+[Exit Phidippides]
+
+Strep. Ah me, what madness! How mad, then, I was when I
+ejected the gods on account of Socrates! But O dear
+Hermes, by no means be wroth with me, nor destroy me;
+but pardon me, since I have gone crazy through prating.
+And become my adviser, whether I shall bring an action
+and prosecute them, or whatever you think. You advise me
+rightly, not permitting me to get up a lawsuit, but as
+soon as possible to set fire to the house of the prating
+fellows. Come hither, come hither, Xanthias! Come forth
+with a ladder and with a mattock and then mount upon the
+thinking-shop and dig down the roof, if you love your
+master, until you tumble the house upon them.
+
+[Xanthias mounts upon the roof]
+
+But let some one bring me a lighted torch and I'll make
+some of them this day suffer punishment, even if they be
+ever so much impostors.
+
+1st Dis. (from within) Hollo! Hollo!
+
+Strep. It is your business, O torch, to send forth
+abundant flame.
+
+[Mounts upon the roof]
+
+1st Dis. What are you doing, fellow?
+
+Strep. What am I doing? Why, what else, than chopping
+logic with the beams of your house?
+
+[Sets the house on fire]
+
+2nd Dis. (from within) You will destroy us! You will
+destroy us!
+
+Strep. For I also wish this very thing; unless my
+mattock deceive my hopes, or I should somehow fall first
+and break my neck.
+
+Soc. (from within). Hollo you! What are you doing, pray,
+you fellow on the roof?
+
+Strep. I am walking on air, and speculating about the
+sun.
+
+Soc. Ah me, unhappy! I shall be suffocated, wretched
+man!
+
+Chaer. And I, miserable man, shall be burnt to death!
+
+Strep. For what has come into your heads that you acted
+insolently toward the gods, and pried into the seat of
+the moon? Chase, pelt, smite them, for many reasons, but
+especially because you know that they offended against
+the gods!
+
+[The thinking shop is burned down]
+
+Cho. Lead the way out; for we have sufficiently acted as
+chorus for today.
+
+
+
+[Exeunt omnes]
+
+
+
+
+
+End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Clouds, by Aristophanes
+
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