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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 02:20:00 -0700 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 02:20:00 -0700 |
| commit | 146a4ce796092e9e40bcaab0040ee725c2487a88 (patch) | |
| tree | 5ee8719e3cc12b9ed2084d4ab6022a048d439daa /26053-h | |
Diffstat (limited to '26053-h')
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diff --git a/26053-h/26053-h.htm b/26053-h/26053-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d3a2af8 --- /dev/null +++ b/26053-h/26053-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3340 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of This Giddy Globe, by Oliver Herford. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + + ins.translit { border-bottom: #0099FF thin solid; + text-decoration: none; } + + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + + h6 { text-align: center; font-size: 3em; + clear: both; + } + + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + } + + table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} + .tdp {padding: 20px;} + + body{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + + a { text-decoration: none; } + + .box { width: 700px; + margin: 0 auto; + text-align: center; + padding: 1em; + border-style: none; } + + + .pagenum { visibility: hidden; + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; + } /* page numbers */ + + .blockquot{margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 10%;} + + .center {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .caption {font-weight: bold; font-variant: small-caps;} + .caption1 {font-weight: bold;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} + + .figleft {float: left; clear: left; margin-left: 0; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: + 1em; margin-right: 1em; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .figright {float: right; clear: right; margin-left: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em; + margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .footnotes {border: dashed 1px;} + .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + .footnote .label {position: absolute; right: 84%; text-align: right;} + .fnanchor {font-size: .8em; text-decoration: none;} + + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of This Giddy Globe, by Oliver Herford + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: This Giddy Globe + +Author: Oliver Herford + +Release Date: July 14, 2008 [EBook #26053] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THIS GIDDY GLOBE *** + + + + +Produced by Audrey Longhurst, Anne Storer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<div class="box"> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 449px;"> +<img src="images/imgcover.jpg" width="449" height="600" alt="Cover image" title="" /> +</div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<p style="margin-left: 23em;"><strong><span style="font-size: 1.34em;">THIS GIDDY GLOBE</span><br /> +—————————————<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">OLIVER HERFORD</span></strong></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 371px;"> +<img src="images/imgfrontispiece.png" width="371" height="500" alt="PETER SIMPLE F T G" title="" /> +</div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p> + + +<h1>THIS</h1> +<h6>GIDDY GLOBE</h6> + +<h3>BY</h3> + +<h2>PETER SIMPLE, F.T.G.</h2> +<h5>FELLOW OF THE TERRESTRIAL GLOBE</h5> + +<p> </p> + +<h5>EDITED AND ILLUSTRATED BY</h5> +<h2>OLIVER HERFORD, V. D. W. A.</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>[<em>“Very delightful wit and artist.”</em></strong><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 10em;"><strong><em>—Woodrow Wilson</em>]</strong></span></p> + +<p> </p><p> </p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 78px;"> +<img src="images/imglogo.png" width="78" height="100" alt="logo" title="" /> +</div> + +<p> </p><p> </p> + +<h3>NEW YORK<br /> +GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY</h3> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p> + +<h5>COPYRIGHT, 1919,<br /> +BY GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY</h5> + +<p> </p><p> </p> + +<h5>PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA</h5> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p> +<h5>TO</h5> + +<h4>PRESIDENT WILSON</h4> + +<h5>[<em>With all his faults he quotes me still.</em>]</h5> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p> +<h2>PREFACE</h2> + + +<p class="center" style="font-size: 2em;"> +.............................................................<br /> + +.............................................................<br /> + +.............................................................</p> + +<p> </p><p> </p> + +<p style="margin-left: 10em; margin-right: 10em;"> +[<em>The Preface, which is strictly private and concerns only ourselves and +the Reader, has been removed to another part of the book.</em>]</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p> +<p style="margin-left: 10em; margin-right: 10em;">The Author makes due Acknowledgment to Charles Scribner’s Sons for the +use of certain verses, and to Miss Cecilia Loftus for her series of +Perfect Day Pictures.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p> +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> + +<div class='center'> +<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" summary=""> + +<tr> <th colspan="3"><strong>PART I: WHY IS THE GLOBE</strong></th></tr> +<tr> <td align='right'><span class="smcap">chapter</span></td> <td align='left'></td> <td align='right'><span class="smcap">page</span></td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>I</td> <td align='left'><a href="#I"><span class="smcap">The Creation</span></a></td> <td align='right'>15</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'></td> <td align='left'><a href="#PREFACE"><span class="smcap">Preface</span></a></td> <td align='right'>19</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>II</td> <td align='left'><a href="#II"><span class="smcap">A Long Jump</span></a></td> <td align='right'>20</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>III</td> <td align='left'><a href="#III"><span class="smcap">The Giddy Globe</span></a></td> <td align='right'>23</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>IV</td> <td align='left'><a href="#IV"><span class="smcap">The Use of the Globe</span></a></td> <td align='right'>25</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>V</td> <td align='left'><a href="#V"><span class="smcap">The Equator</span></a></td> <td align='right'>28</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>VI</td> <td align='left'><a href="#VI"><span class="smcap">The Earth’s Crust</span></a></td> <td align='right'>30</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>VII</td> <td align='left'><a href="#VII"><span class="smcap">The Temperature of the Globe</span></a></td> <td align='right'>32</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>VIII</td> <td align='left'><a href="#VIII"><span class="smcap">The Age of the Globe</span></a></td> <td align='right'>35</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>IX</td> <td align='left'><a href="#IX"><span class="smcap">The Face of the Globe</span></a></td> <td align='right'>38</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>X</td> <td align='left'><a href="#X"><span class="smcap">Climate and Weather</span></a></td> <td align='right'>44</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XI</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XI"><span class="smcap">Land and Water</span></a></td> <td align='right'>47</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XII</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XII"><span class="smcap">The Discovery of the World</span></a></td> <td align='right'>51</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XIII</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XIII"><span class="smcap">The Habitable Globe</span></a></td> <td align='right'>52</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XIV</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XIV"><span class="smcap">The Tenants</span></a></td> <td align='right'>54</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XV</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XV"><span class="smcap">Race</span></a></td> <td align='right'>56</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XVI</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XVI"><span class="smcap">Governments of the Globe</span></a></td> <td align='right'>58</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XVII</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XVII"><span class="smcap">The Morals of the Giddy Globe</span></a></td> <td align='right'>61</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'></td> <td align='left'> </td> <td align='right'></td> </tr> + +<tr> <th colspan="3"><strong>PART II: THE COUNTRIES OF THE EARTH</strong></th></tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XVIII</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XVIII"><span class="smcap">The Poles</span></a></td> <td align='right'>65</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XIX</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XIX"><span class="smcap">America</span></a></td> <td align='right'>70</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XX</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XX"><span class="smcap">Boston</span></a></td> <td align='right'>75</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XXI</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XXI"><span class="smcap">The United States</span></a></td> <td align='right'>78</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XXII</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XXII"><span class="smcap">Canada</span></a></td> <td align='right'>83</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XXIII</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XXIII"><span class="smcap">Great Britain</span></a></td> <td align='right'>86</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XXIV</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XXIV"><span class="smcap">Scotland</span></a></td> <td align='right'>90</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XXV</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XXV"><span class="smcap">Ireland</span></a></td> <td align='right'>92</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XXVI</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XXVI"><span class="smcap">Wales</span></a></td> <td align='right'>96</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'></td> <td align='left'> </td> <td align='right'></td> </tr> + +<tr> <th colspan="3"><strong>PART III: FOREIGN COUNTRIES</strong></th></tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XXVII</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XXVII"><span class="smcap">South America</span></a></td> <td align='right'>101</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XXVIII</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XXVIII"><span class="smcap">Holland</span></a></td> <td align='right'>103</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XXIX</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XXIX"><span class="smcap">Belgium</span></a></td> <td align='right'>106</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XXX</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XXX"><span class="smcap">France</span></a></td> <td align='right'>109</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XXXI</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XXXI"><span class="smcap">Germany</span></a></td> <td align='right'>111</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XXXII</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XXXII"><span class="smcap">Switzerland</span></a></td> <td align='right'>112</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XXXIII</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XXXIII"><span class="smcap">Monaco</span></a></td> <td align='right'>113</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XXXIV</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XXXIV"><span class="smcap">Turkey</span></a></td> <td align='right'>114</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XXXV</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XXXV"><span class="smcap">Russia</span></a></td> <td align='right'>117</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XXXVI</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XXXVI"><span class="smcap">Norway and Sweden</span></a></td> <td align='right'>119</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XXXVII</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XXXVII"><span class="smcap">Africa</span></a></td> <td align='right'>122</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XXXVIII</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XXXVIII"><span class="smcap">Arabia</span></a></td> <td align='right'>126</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XXXIX</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XXXIX"><span class="smcap">Australia</span></a></td> <td align='right'>129</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XL</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XL"><span class="smcap">China</span></a></td> <td align='right'>131</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XLI</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XLI"><span class="smcap">Japan</span></a></td> <td align='right'>133</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'>XLII</td> <td align='left'><a href="#XLII"><span class="smcap">Egypt, India, Italy, Spain, Greece, Etc.</span></a></td> <td align='right'>134</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'></td> <td align='left'><a href="#EPILOGUE"><span class="smcap">Epilogue</span></a></td> <td align='right'>136</td> </tr> +<tr> <td align='right'></td> <td align='left'><a href="#APPENDIX"><span class="smcap">Appendix</span></a></td> <td align='right'>137</td> </tr> +</table></div> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p> +<h2>THIS GIDDY GLOBE</h2> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="I" id="I"></a>PART I</h2> + +<h2>WHY IS THE GLOBE?</h2> + +<h2>CHAPTER I</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>THE CREATION</strong></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 14em;"> + <em>Six busy days it took in all</em><br /> + <em>To make a World and plan its fall,</em><br /> + <em>The seventh, SOMEONE said ’twas good</em><br /> + <em>And rested, should you think he could?</em><br /> + <em>Knowing what the result would be</em><br /> + <em>There would have been no rest for me!</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 12em;"><em>Claire Beecher Kummer.</em></span></p> + + +<p>It takes much longer to write a Geography than, according to Moses, it +took to create the World which it is the Geographer’s business to +describe; and since the Critic has been added to the list of created +beings, it is no longer the fashion for the Author to pass judgment on +his own work.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span> +Let us imagine, however, that concealed in the cargo of Hypothetic +Nebula destined for the construction of the Terrestrial Globe was a +Protoplasmic Stowaway that sprang to being in the shape of a Critic just +as the work of Creation was finished.</p> + +<p>Would it not be interesting to speculate upon that Critic’s reception of +the freshly made World?</p> + +<p>We may be sure that he would have found many things not to his liking; +technical defects such as the treatment of grass and foliage in green +instead of the proper purple; the tinting of the sky which any landscape +painter will tell you would be more decorative done in turquoise green +than cobalt blue.</p> + +<p>Like the foolish Butterfly in the Talmud, who (to impress Mrs. +Butterfly) stamped his tiny foot upon the dome of King Solomon’s Temple, +our Critic might have declared the World “Too flimsy in construction.” +He would certainly have found fault with the Solar System and the +Plumbing—the absence of heat in Winter when there is the greater need +of it and the paucity of moisture in the desert places where it never +rains.</p> + +<p>The comicality of the Ape family might +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> +have provoked a reluctant +smile, but much more likely a lecture on the impropriety of descending +to caricature in a serious work.</p> + +<h3>THE FIRST CALENDAR</h3> + +<p class="center">The Creation of Heaven & Earth <em>in Six dayes</em> <em>Gen: I</em></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 371px;"> +<img src="images/img17.png" width="371" height="600" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>At best, our Critic would have pronounced the freshly made World the +work of a beginner, conceding perhaps that he “showed promise” and +“might go far,” and if he wished to be very impressive indeed, he would +pretend that he had penetrated the veil of Anonymity and hint darkly +that he detected evident traces of a Feminine Touch!</p> + +<p>In that, however, our Critic would only have been anticipating, for is +there not at this very moment on the press a Suffrage edition (for women +only) of the Rubaiyat, in which one verse is amended to read thus—</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 13em;"> + <em>The ball no question makes of Ayes or Nos,</em><br /> + <em>But right or left, as strikes the Player goes,</em><br /> + <em>And SHE who tossed it down into the field,</em><br /> + <em>SHE knows about it all, SHE knows, SHE knows!</em></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="PREFACE" id="PREFACE"></a>PREFACE</h2> + +<h2><em>STRICTLY PRIVATE</em></h2> + +<p class="center"><strong><em>For the Reader Only</em></strong></p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Dear Reader</span>:</p> + +<p>This is for <em>you</em>, and you only. We have concealed it between chapters +one and two so that it will not meet any eye but yours.</p> + +<p>We have a confession to make—it would be useless to attempt +concealment—we have the Digression habit.</p> + +<p>We have tried every known remedy but we fear it is incurable.</p> + +<p>All we ask, Gentle Reader, is that when we stray too far you will favour +us with a gentle reminder.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="II" id="II"></a>CHAPTER II</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>A LONG JUMP</strong></p> + +<p> </p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/img20.png" width="400" height="230" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + + +<p>It is a long jump from Moses, the author of the first work on Geography, +to Peter Simple.</p> + +<p>When the acrobatic reader has fetched his breath and looks back at the +fearsome list of Geographers he has skipped—Strabo, Anaximander, +Hecatœus, Demœritus, Eudoxus, Ephorus, Dicœarchus, +Erastothenes, Polybius, Posidonius and Charles F. King,—he may well be +thankful to find he has fallen upon his feet.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> +The Geographer’s task is endless.</p> + +<p>The Planet he endeavours to portray is perpetually changing its +appearance. After thousands and thousands of years, it is no nearer +completion than it was in the beginning.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 344px;"> +<img src="images/img21.png" width="344" height="400" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The Sea with its white teeth bites the edges of the continents into new +shapes, as a child bites the edges of a biscuit. The glaciers file away +the mountains into valleys and plains. Beneath the ocean busy insects +are building<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> +the foundations of new continents and, under the earth, +Fiery Demons are ready at all times to burst forth and help to destroy +the old ones.</p> + +<p>It really begins to look as if this Planet would never be finished.</p> + +<p>In the first chapter of his geography, Moses tells us there were only +two people in the world.</p> + +<p>Today we are preparing to put up the “standing room only” notice. In +another thousand years, for aught we know, the earth may be going round +dark and tenantless and bearing the sign “To Let.” What does it matter +to us? What are we but microscopic weevils in the mouldy crust of earth? +Sufficient unto the day is the weevil thereof.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="III" id="III"></a>CHAPTER III</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>THE GIDDY GLOBE</strong></p> + + +<p>Men of Science, who delight in applying harsh terms to things that +cannot talk back, have called this Giddy Globe an Oblate Spheroid.</p> + +<p>Francis Bacon called it a Bubble; Shakespeare, an Oyster; Rossetti, a +Midge; and W. S. Gilbert addresses it familiarly as a Ball—</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 14em;"> + <em>Roll on, thou ball, roll on!</em><br /> + <em>Through pathless realms of Space</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 3em;"><em>Roll on!</em></span><br /> + <em>What though I’m in a sorry case?</em><br /> + <em>What though I cannot meet my bills?</em><br /> + <em>What though I suffer toothache’s ills?</em><br /> + <em>What though I swallow countless pills?</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 3em;"><em>Never you mind</em></span><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 3em;"><em>Roll on!</em></span><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 6em;">(<em>It rolls on.</em>)</span></p> + +<p>But these people belong to a privileged class that is encouraged (even +paid) to distort<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> +the language, and they must not be taken too literally.</p> + +<p>The Giddy Globe is really quite large, not to say obese.</p> + +<p>Her waist measurement is no less than twenty-five thousand miles. In the +hope of reducing it, the earth takes unceasing and violent exercise, but +though she spins round on one toe at the rate of a thousand miles an +hour every day, and round the sun once a year, she does not succeed in +taking off a single mile or keeping even comfortably warm all over.</p> + +<p>No wonder the globe is giddy!</p> + + +<h3><em>QUESTIONS</em></h3> + +<p><em>Explain the Nebular Hypothesis.</em></p> + +<p><em>State briefly the electromagnetical constituents of the Aurora +Borealis, and explain their relation to the Hertzian Waves.</em></p> + +<p><em>Define the difference between the Hertzian Wave and the Marcel Wave.</em></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="IV" id="IV"></a>CHAPTER IV</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>THE USE OF THE GLOBE</strong></p> + + +<p>What is the Earth for? Nobody knows. Some say the Earth was made to +supply the wants of Man, but as Man is part and parcel of the Earth +herself, dust of her dust, mould of her mould, it does not answer the +question.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 271px;"> +<img src="images/img25.png" width="271" height="200" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">The Friendly Cow.</span> +</div> +<p style="margin-left: 10em; margin-right: 10em;">From an instantaneous photograph of animal cracker.</p> +<p style="margin-left: 10em; margin-right: 10em;">Owing to the high price of living the cow was partially eaten by the +author before the photograph could be taken.</p> + + +<p>To be sure the Earth produces the Tobacco +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> +Plant, and many other things +that we classify among the needs of Man, including the “Friendly Cow”—</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 14.5em;"> + <em>She walks among the flowers sweet</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><em>And chews and chews and chews,</em></span><br /> + <em>And turns them into friendly meat,</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><em>And pleasant boots and shoes.</em></span></p> + +<p>But the “Friendly Cow” may in her secret heart regard the classification +as anything but friendly. For all we know, in the hidden scheme of +Creation, the Cow may herself be the subject for ultimate evolution into +the Perfect Being, and Man (to reverse Darwin), descending through the +Ape to ever lower planes, only a discarded experiment.</p> + +<p>And the Tobacco Plant? In the course of time there may be no Tobacco +Plant.</p> + +<p>Should the American People be again tempted to wage a World War for +Freedom, they may find on their return that the Tobacco Plants have gone +to join the Grape Vines of California!</p> + +<p>Our only hope will then be that smoking is permitted in Hea——*</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 32em; font-size: smaller;"> + * The Author <em>is</em> digressing.<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 10em;"><em>The Reader.</em></span></p> + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p> +<h3><em>QUESTIONS</em></h3> + +<p><em>What is “Friendship”?</em></p> + +<p><em>Why is the Cow “friendly”?</em></p> + +<p><em>Is the Oyster friendly?</em></p> + +<p><em>When Prohibition is applied to tobacco will cigars containing less than +one-half of one per cent tobacco be permitted?</em></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="V" id="V"></a>CHAPTER V</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>THE EQUATOR</strong></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 228px;"> +<img src="images/img28.png" width="228" height="250" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + + +<p>The Earth is self-centred. Poised on an imaginary toe, she pirouettes +round her self-centre, at the rate of over a thousand miles an hour.</p> + +<p>We say imaginary toe because the Earth, owing to the enormous size of +her waist, has never been able to see it.</p> + +<p>To anyone with a waist measurement of twenty-five thousand miles the +very existence of toes is purely problematical.</p> + +<p>To wear an actual belt round a waist of such dimensions would be +impossible even if it +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> +could be of any use. Instead, therefore, the +Earth wears round her middle an imaginary line called the Equator.</p> + +<p>To give this imaginary belt some excuse for existence we have depicted +the Earth in an imaginary ballet skirt, which without in any way +hampering her movements complies with the strict regulations pertaining +to feminine attire.</p> + +<p>Being self-centred, the Earth has naturally an exaggerated sense of +self-esteem.</p> + +<p>Other Spheres of equal or greater importance are referred to as +“Luminaries” and supposed to exist chiefly for the purpose of furnishing +light when the Sun and Moon are otherwise engaged.</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 14em;"> + <em>Oh would some Power the giftie gie her</em><br /> + <em>To see, as other Planets see her!</em></p> + + +<h3><em>QUESTIONS</em></h3> + +<p><em>Can an imaginary line be said to exist?</em></p> + +<p><em>If not, why does it need an excuse for existence?</em></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="VI" id="VI"></a>CHAPTER VI</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>THE EARTH’S CRUST</strong></p> + + +<p>Matter-of-fact Geologists speak of the Earth’s Crust as if there were +only one Crust.</p> + +<p>Thoughtful people (like ourselves) who can read between imaginary lines, +know that there are (as in a pie) two Crusts, the Upper Crust and the +Under Crust.</p> + +<p>The Upper Crust is pleasantly situated on the top and is rich and +agreeable and much sought after.</p> + +<p>The Under Crust is soggy and disagreeable. The only apparent reason for +its existence is to hold up the Upper Crust.</p> + +<p>To quote the eminent Nonsensologist Gelett Burgess—</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 15em;"> + <em>The Upper Crust is light as snow</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><em>And gay with sugar-rime;</em></span><br /> + <em>The Under Crust must stay below,</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><em>It has a horrid time.</em></span></p> + +<p>When in the course of time the Upper Crust becomes too rich and heavy +for the popular<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> +taste, the Social Pie flops over and the Under Crust +becomes the Upper Crust.</p> + +<p>These periodic flip-flops of the Social Pie are called Revolutions.</p> + +<p>You would think that a Revolving Pie would be a disturbing thing to have +in one’s system, but the Giddy Globe doesn’t seem to mind it in the +least.</p> + +<p>Balanced on an imaginary toe, she continues to pirouette at the rate of +a thousand miles an hour, just as if nothing were the matter.</p> + +<p>The latest specimen of Acrobatic Pastry is after a Russian recipe.</p> + +<p>The Bolshevik Pie has no Upper Crust at all and is declared by the +leading Chefs of Europe to be unfit for human consumption, but the proof +of the Pie is in the eating, how would you like to try just a——*</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 32em; font-size: smaller;"> + * Take it away, or we won’t<br /> + read another word!<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 10em;"><em>The Reader.</em></span></p> + +<p>Oh, very well! We never did care much for pie anyway, not even for +breakfast.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 202px;"> +<img src="images/img31.png" width="202" height="200" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="VII" id="VII"></a>CHAPTER VII</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>THE TEMPERATURE OF THE GLOBE</strong></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 240px;"> +<img src="images/img32.png" width="240" height="300" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + + +<p>In spite of incessant and violent exercise, the Giddy Globe (as we have +remarked before) is unable to keep comfortably warm all over.</p> + +<p>Her Temperature varies from intense cold at her upper and lower +extremities to fever heat in the region of her equatorial diaphragm.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span> +Ancient Geographers indicated these variations of temperature by means +of <em>Zones</em>.</p> + +<p>The Term Zone is derived from the Greek word +<ins class="translit" title="Greek: zônê">ζωνη</ins> a Belt or +Girdle, and a Girdle in the days of the First Geography Book was the +principal (if not the only) garment of a well dressed person.</p> + +<p>Today, however, the Girdle is no longer accepted as a complete costume.</p> + +<p>No modern Costumer would countenance such a “model,” it would be too +easy to copy and consequently unprofitable.</p> + +<p>Even the “Knee-plus-ultra” of Newport or Palm Beach Society would +hesitate to pose for the Sunday Supplement Photographer in a one-piece +Bathing Girdle.</p> + +<p>You might explore the World of Dress, from the Land of the Midnight +Follies to the Uttermost parts of Greenwich Village and find nothing +exactly like it.</p> + +<p>It is on its way, to be sure, but it will never be fashionable until—</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 14em;"> + <em>The two extremes of décolleté</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><em>Of Ballroom and of Bathing Beach</em></span><br /> + <em>Here meet in a bewildering way</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><em>And mingle all the charms of each.</em></span></p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> +Why, then, in this up-to-date Geography Book, should we depict the Giddy +Globe in an obsolete hoop skirt of imaginary Zones?</p> + +<p>In striving to answer the question, we have hit upon a pleasing +compromise.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 222px;"> +<img src="images/img34.png" width="222" height="300" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>At least it is up-to-date.</p> + +<p>A. and E. are the two extremities of the Giddy Globe, which are quite +bare.</p> + +<p>They correspond to the Frigid Zones.</p> + +<p>C. is the Corset, which being hot and uncomfortable corresponds to the +Torrid.</p> + +<p>D. is—that is to say are——*</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 32em; font-size: smaller;"> + * Pardon us for interrupting—but<br /> + we thought this was to be a<br /> + geography book.<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 10em;"><em>The Reader.</em></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="VIII" id="VIII"></a>CHAPTER VIII</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>THE AGE OF THE GLOBE</strong></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 414px;"> +<img src="images/img35.png" width="414" height="200" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">The New World <span style="margin-left: 7em;">The Old World</span></span> +</div> + + +<p>Some people are sensitive about their ages. The Giddy Globe has never +told us hers.</p> + +<p>Rude men of science, after careful examination, declare she can’t be a +day under five billion years old.</p> + +<p>Theologians, ever tactful in feminine matters, set her down as a +shrinking young thing of barely four thousand summers.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> +Real delicacy of feeling goes with the bulging tum rather than with the +bulging forehead; who ever saw a thin Bishop or a fat man of science!</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 13em;"> + <em>Happy the man with the bulging Tum,</em><br /> + <em>Who smiles and smiles and is never glum!—</em><br /> + <em>But alas for the man with the bulging brow,</em><br /> + <em>If he wanted to smile, he wouldn’t know how!</em></p> + +<p>If the Giddy Globe asked <em>us</em> to guess her age, we should say, without a +moment’s hesitation, “Whatever it is you certainly don’t look it!”</p> + +<p>Astronomers may say what they like, a Planet is as old as it looks, +especially if it is a Lady-Planet, and we have seen ours when she didn’t +look a June day over sixteen! and, not having a bulging forehead, we +told her so!</p> + +<p>Astronomers think themselves so wise, but what do they know about the +sex of the Planets?</p> + +<p>With the exception of Mother Earth and old Sol Phœbus,—nothing!</p> + +<p>If you asked an Astronomer whether the Pleiad girls were really the +daughters of Atlas, or what Jupiter was doing with eight +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span> Moons (if they +<em>were</em> Moons), he would think you were trifling with him.</p> + +<p>But is it not possible that the old Greek tales were the garbled gossip +of an age-forgotten science of which we have only the A.B.C.?</p> + +<p>If it is Love that makes the world go round (and who can prove that it +isn’t?), what makes the other Planets go round?</p> + +<p>How about the movements of the Heavenly Bodies?</p> + +<p>How about——*</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 32em; font-size: smaller;"> + * This is all very interesting,<br /> + but don’t you think perhaps<br /> + it is——<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 10em;"><em>The Reader.</em></span></p> + +<p>Quite right! Quite right! how we do run on!</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 247px;"> +<img src="images/img37.png" width="247" height="250" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="IX" id="IX"></a>CHAPTER IX</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>THE FACE OF THE GLOBE</strong></p> + + +<p>There are no good photographs of the Giddy Globe; she refuses to sit.</p> + +<p>Imagine attempting to photograph an obese and flighty Spheroid who +spends her time pirouetting round in a circle with all her might and +main.</p> + +<p>Perhaps it is to avoid the photographer that the Earth spins, and not +merely to reduce her girth as we hinted elsewhere.</p> + +<p>In these days such a strenuous evasion of publicity is suspicious.</p> + +<p>Where does she come from?</p> + +<p>Where is she going?</p> + +<p>She refuses to answer, she will not even state her business or tell her +real name.</p> + +<p>For æons (quite a number of æons) this Giddy one has been going round +under various male and female aliases such as—Cosmos, Mother Earth, The +World, Mrs.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> +Grundy, the Footstool, the Terrestrial Globe.</p> + +<p>If you look up her record you will find the following press notices—</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“The Earth’s a thief.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">Timon of Athens.</span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“Earth’s bitter.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">Wordsworth.</span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“This distracted Globe.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">Hamlet.</span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“This tough World.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">King Lear.</span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“Naughty World.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">Merchant of Venice.</span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“This World is given to Lying.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">Henry IV.</span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“The World is too much with us.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">Wordsworth.</span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“The World is grown so bad.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">Richard III.</span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“The narrow World.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">Julius Cæsar.</span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“The World is not thy friend.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">Romeo and Juliet.</span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“The World’s a bubble.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">Bacon.</span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“This World is all a fleeting show.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">Moore.</span></p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“The World was not worthy.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">St. Paul.</span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“The World’s a tragedy.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">Horace Walpole.</span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“This bleak World.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">Moore.</span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“The weary weight of all this unintelligible World.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">Wordsworth.</span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“A World of vile ill-favoured faults.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">Merry Wives of Windsor.</span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“Stale, flat and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this World.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">Hamlet.</span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“This dim spot that men call Earth.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">Milton.</span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +“The wicked World.”<br /> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">W. S. Gilbert.</span></p> + +<p>It is possible that the Giddy Globe has read the above clippings and, +realizing that she has been discovered, spins round with all her might +to avoid being photographed for the Rogues’ Gallery of the Universe.</p> + +<p>Appearances are certainly against her.</p> + +<hr style='width: 25%;' /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p> +<p style="margin-left: 14.5em;"> + <em>When I am moved to contemplate</em><br /> + <em>The rude and unregenerate state</em><br /> + <em>Of that rampageous reprobate</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;"><em>The World at large,</em></span><br /> + <em>And as I mark its stony phiz</em><br /> + <em>And see it whoop and whirl and whiz,</em><br /> + <em>I can but cry—O Lord, why is</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;"><em>The World at large?</em></span></p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 488px;"> +<img src="images/img42.png" width="488" height="500" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">A Perfect Day in London</span> +</div> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 437px;"> +<img src="images/img43.png" width="437" height="500" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">A Perfect Day in Chicago</span> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="X" id="X"></a>CHAPTER X</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>CLIMATE AND WEATHER</strong></p> + + +<p>Climate is a Theory. Weather is a condition.</p> + +<p>Or, to make it clearer to the reader, Climate is a Hypothesis and +Weather is a <em>Reductio ad Absurdum</em>. This explains why it invariably +snows for the first time in years whenever one goes to California.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 150px;"> +<img src="images/img44.png" width="150" height="144" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>What is the Weather for?</p> + +<p>Everything in Nature is designed to contribute to the needs or pleasures +of Mankind.</p> + +<p>From the tree of the forest we get the wood from which the nutmeg is +made, the wood-alcohol for our Scotch high-ball and the pulp for our +newspaper, which, in turn, is transmuted to leather for the soles of our +soldiers’ boots.</p> + +<p>From the sands of the sea we make sugar for sweetening our coffee—that +mysterious<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span> +beverage, the secret of whose manufacture has never been +revealed.</p> + +<p>From the cotton plant comes the woolen under-garment and the soldier’s +blanket.</p> + +<p>From the lowly cabbage springs the Havana Perfecto, with its gold and +crimson band, and from the simple turnip is distilled the golden +champagne, without which so many lives will now be empty.</p> + +<p>Even the humble straw has its uses—to indicate the trend of the air +current and for the stuffing of the life-preserver.</p> + +<p>What then is the use of the Weather?</p> + +<p>Supposing you have made a globe and put some people upon it to live. +What would you do to make them feel at home?</p> + +<p>You would give them something to talk about.</p> + +<p>Just so—the Weather was designed to furnish a universal topic of +conversation for Man.</p> + +<p>Without the Weather, 999,999 out of 1,000,000 conversations would die in +their infancy.</p> + +<p>In the first geography book we learn from Moses how and of what the +Weather was made.</p> + +<p>Since then, nothing has been so much talked +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> +about as the Weather, and in nothing has so little advance been made.</p> + + +<h3><em>QUESTIONS</em></h3> + +<p><em>Is it notoriety that makes the Weather-Vane?</em></p> + +<p><em>Where does the Winter-Resort in Summer? And why?</em></p> + +<p><em>How many litres of champagne can be extracted from the cube-root of one +turnip?</em></p> + +<p><em>What did the Weather do to get herself so talked about?</em></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XI" id="XI"></a>CHAPTER XI</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>LAND AND WATER</strong></p> + +<p> </p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<img src="images/img47.png" width="500" height="306" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">Steamship Battling with the Marcel Waves</span> +</div> + + +<p>The terrestrial Globe is pleasingly tinted in blue, pink, yellow and +green.</p> + +<p>The blue portion is called Water and is inhabited by oysters, clams, +submarines, lobsters and turtles, besides delightful schools of fishes +and whales.</p> + +<p>The pink, yellow and green portions are called Land and are alive with +human beings and other animals and vegetables.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/img48a.png" width="400" height="223" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">The College Yell of a School of Whales</span> +</div> + +<p>Besides the animals and vegetables there are mountains, table-lands, +rivers, forests and lakes.</p> + +<p>In former times mountains were used as protective barriers. Today they +serve as monuments to Public Men for whom they are named (<em>See +Presidential Range</em>), and country seats for retired Grocers and +Fishmongers.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/img48b.png" width="600" height="175" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">The Presidential Range</span></div> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em; margin-right: 5em;"> +Showing comparative height of principal peaks.—Reading from left to +right: +Mt. Washington—Jefferson—Lincoln—Cleveland—Roosevelt—Wilson.</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em; margin-right: 5em;"> +Note:—At the moment this picture was taken a war cloud drifted over the +last two peaks.—Until the cloud passes it will be impossible to +ascertain their altitudes.</p> + + +<p>Rivers are the most curious and interesting form of Water.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span> +Though seldom as shallow, they are as lengthy and involved as +Congressional speeches, and have to be curled into the most ludicrous +shapes to get them into the countries where they belong.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 352px;"> +<img src="images/img49.png" width="352" height="300" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">A River Bed</span> +</div> + +<p>The first thing a river does after rising is to betake itself as fast as +it can to the nearest River-Bed, in which it remains for the rest of its +days.</p> + +<p>The largest river in the world is the Amazon, named after the +single-breasted suffragette of ancient times.</p> + + +<h3><em>QUESTIONS</em></h3> + +<p><em>How many rivers can get into one river-bed?</em></p> + +<p><em>Why is a Congressman?</em></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 410px;"> +<img src="images/img50.png" width="410" height="500" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">Noah Sighting Ararat</span> +</div> + +<p style="margin-left: 15em;"> + When Noah saw the flood subside,<br /> + “The world is going dry!” he cried,<br /> + “So let us all, without delay,<br /> + Fill up against a drouthy day.”</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XII" id="XII"></a>CHAPTER XII</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>THE DISCOVERY OF THE WORLD</strong></p> + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<div class="figleft" style="width: 123px; margin-top: -5em;"> +<img src="images/img51.png" width="123" height="300" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">Noah</span> +</div> + +<p>In the first geography we are told of a young married couple who were +cast into the world for a pomological error on their part, about 4000 +B.C.</p> + +<p>Some seventeen centuries later, the world was lost sight of in a deluge.</p> + +<p>It was re-discovered by a navigator named Noah who, though barely six +hundred years old, was the commander of a sea-going menagerie.</p> + +<p>Commander Noah, after cruising about for twelve months and ten days, +landed from his zoölogical water-wagon upon a precipitous Asiatic Jag +called Ararat on the twenty-seventh of February, 2300 B.C.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XIII" id="XIII"></a>CHAPTER XIII</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>THE HABITABLE GLOBE</strong></p> + + +<p>The term “Habitable Globe” was doubtless invented by some Celestial +Humorist who had never visited this planet.</p> + +<p>People live on it, to be sure, but they have no choice. There is nowhere +else to live.</p> + +<p>The Giddy Globe ...*</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 32em; font-size: smaller;"> + * Isn’t it about time to drop this<br /> + personal simile?<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 10em;"><em>The Reader.</em></span></p> + +<p>... Quite so. Suppose we consider the Globe as an Apartment House.</p> + +<p>We are told it was finished in six days. No wonder it is faultily +constructed.</p> + +<p>The Heating Apparatus is out of date. The apartments nearest to the +Radiator are insufferably hot, those farthest away unbearably cold, and +those between too changeable for comfort.</p> + +<p>The Water Supply is unreliable. In some +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> +apartments, great numbers perish every year from thirst.</p> + +<p>In the cellar there is a munition factory where, in defiance of +regulations, there are stored High Explosives. These blow up from time +to time, causing great damage and loss of life among the tenants.</p> + +<p>The janitor is a disobliging old person who has been there since the +house was started and holds his job, in spite of incessant complaints. +When asked to hurry, he fairly crawls and, when people want him most to +stay, nothing can stop him.</p> + +<p>His name is Tempus.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XIV" id="XIV"></a>CHAPTER XIV</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>THE TENANTS</strong></p> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 101px;"> +<img src="images/img54.png" width="101" height="200" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">Post-Impressionist Savage</span> +</div> + +<p>The first tenants (as before stated) were a young couple who had been +compelled to leave a more luxurious apartment because children were not +allowed, though animals of all kinds, even snakes, were tolerated.</p> + +<p>On the whole, the Globe is anything but a model Apartment House. Each +family considers itself the only respectable one in the building and +they are constantly squabbling for the possession of the most desirable +rooms.</p> + +<p>The tenants of the different stories, originally of one colour, have +been tanned according to their proximity to the Solar Stove. They come +in five shades of fast colours—Black, Brown, Yellow, Red and +White,—the White being farthest away from the Stove.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> +There are also some brighter colours, which are not guaranteed,—varying +from the chromatic discord of the post-impressionist Savage to the +delicate rose-pink of the Perfect Lady.</p> + +<p>This last is the most delectable of all—but, alas, it is the one that +fades most quickly.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 215px;"> +<img src="images/img55.png" width="215" height="200" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">Perfect Lady</span> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XV" id="XV"></a>CHAPTER XV</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>RACE</strong></p> + + +<p>All the Families agree that the tenants of the Globe should be of one +uniform shade.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 193px;"> +<img src="images/img56.png" width="193" height="250" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">Mill-Race</span> +</div> + +<p>Each Family, however, thinks that his own particular shade is the only +fitting one for the Perfect Human Being.</p> + +<p>To that end he spends a large part of his time in scheming how to get +rid of all the other tints.</p> + +<p>All of which is a great waste of centuries! Old Tempus the Janitor has +always settled the Tint question with his Solar Stove and always will.</p> + +<p>A week at the seashore in August ought to convince anyone of the +efficiency of the Solar Tint Factory. In the tan of the surf bather +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> is +locked up the secret of Race Colouration.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 244px;"> +<img src="images/img57a.png" width="244" height="200" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">Black-Race</span> +</div> + +<p>And yet there are some Great and Wise Ones who believe that Civilization +(with the assistance of Mr. Marconi and Mr. Rolls H. Royce and a few +others) will bring the Race Families into such close relationship that +they will eventually be all blended into one harmonious Neutral Tint!</p> + +<p>A pale mauve World! One tint, one religion, one food, one dress, one +Drink, one everything.</p> + +<p>How appalling! And think of the moment when it is to be decided once and +forever which it is to be—Blonde or Brunette!</p> + +<p>Oh those Wise and Great Ones!</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 165px;"> +<img src="images/img57b.png" width="165" height="250" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XVI" id="XVI"></a>CHAPTER XVI</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>GOVERNMENTS OF THE GLOBE</strong></p> + + +<p>The best definition of Government may be found in Wordsworth’s lines:</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 13em;"> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;"><em>“The simple plan</em></span><br /> + <em>That they should take who have the power</em><br /> + <em>And they should keep who can.”</em></p> + +<p>In every community on Earth, the strongest, the craftiest or the +wealthiest of the male inhabitants conspire to compel their weaker, +stupider or poorer brothers and sisters to pay them for the privilege of +remaining on earth.</p> + +<p>Government by the Strongest is called an Absolute Monarchy.</p> + +<p>Government by the Craftiest, a Limited Monarchy.</p> + +<p>Government by the Wealthiest, a Republic.</p> + +<p>In an Absolute Monarchy, the People are Controlled.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> +In a Limited Monarchy, they are Cajoled.</p> + +<p>In a Republic, they are Sold.</p> + +<p>For the successful operation of Limited Monarchies and Republics, it is +necessary to delude the Common People into the belief that they are +managing their own affairs.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 356px;"> +<img src="images/img59.png" width="356" height="400" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>This is accomplished by means of a House of Lords, Congress, Chamber of +Deputies, Diet, Cortes, Assembly, Soviet, Etc.</p> + +<p>These merry contrivances are designed on the principle of the revolving +squirrel-cage, furnishing harmless exercise without progression.</p> + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p> +<h3><em>QUESTIONS</em></h3> + +<p><em>Q. What is a Constitution?</em></p> + +<p><em>A. A concession to Liberty enabling her to talk herself to death.</em></p> + +<p><em>Q. What is the essential difference between one government and +another?</em></p> + +<p><em>A. The price of life.</em></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XVII" id="XVII"></a>CHAPTER XVII</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>THE MORALS OF THE GIDDY GLOBE</strong></p> + + +<p>According to Moses, the First Geographer, Immorality is an heirloom +handed down to us by our First Parents.</p> + +<p>Men of Science, on the other hand, declare it to be merely the +psycho-neurotic reaction of climatic environment on the celliferous +organism.</p> + +<p>In other words, Vice is nothing more than Virtue outside of its natural +geographical latitude.</p> + +<p>This is clearly set forth in the accompanying Moral Map of the World in +which the familiar idiosyncrasies of Mankind which we are wont to +differentiate as Virtues or Vices are shown for the first time in their +proper geographical environment.</p> + +<p class="center">(<em>See Moral Map of the World.</em>)</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="PART_II" id="PART_II"></a>PART II</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>THE COUNTRIES OF THE EARTH</strong></p> + + +<p>The Countries of the Earth may be divided into two Groups, the English +speaking countries and the Foreign Countries.</p> + +<p>The English Speaking Countries which comprise the United States and the +British Empire occupy one fourth of the entire surface of the Globe.</p> + +<p>The rest are just Foreign Countries.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XVIII" id="XVIII"></a>CHAPTER XVIII</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>THE POLES</strong></p> + + +<p>The Earth has three kinds of Poles, the Frigid Poles in the North and +South and the very hot Poles in the centre of Europe.</p> + +<p>This chapter is about the North Pole.</p> + +<p>The North Pole is the Geographical interrogation point of the Earth.</p> + +<p>It is probably the only absolutely moral spot in the World.</p> + +<p>Scientists declare it to be the site of the Garden of Eden, thus giving +colour to the popular notion that Eden was the original Roof Garden.</p> + +<p>The only language that has ever been spoken at the North Pole is +English.</p> + +<p>The language that Lieutenant Peary used when he found the footprint of +Doctor Cook on the Pole, whatever else it might be, was English, and the +language of the next +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> +discoverer, when he finds (or does not find) the +footprint of Lieutenant Peary, will probably be English too.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 269px;"> +<img src="images/img66.png" width="269" height="400" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Whatever use may be ultimately found for the North Pole, up to the +present time it has only been used for advertising purposes.</p> + +<p>The frozen tracts that surround it bear the names of Adventurers, +Princes and Editors, and the very topmost tip, out of compliment to a +well-known pianist and politician, has been called the Magnetic Pole.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 221px;"> +<img src="images/img67.png" width="221" height="300" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">The Magnetic Pole</span> +</div> + +<p>So far as we know, all the disadvantages of the North Pole are shared by +the South Pole, but for some reason the South Pole has never been so +successful as an advertising medium.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 477px;"> +<img src="images/img68.png" width="477" height="500" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">A Perfect Day in New York</span> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 495px;"> +<img src="images/img69.png" width="495" height="500" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">A Perfect Day in Philadelphia</span> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XIX" id="XIX"></a>CHAPTER XIX</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>AMERICA</strong></p> + +<p> </p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<img src="images/img70.png" width="500" height="216" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + + +<p>Let us see America first.</p> + +<p>On a modern map of the Western Hemisphere America is as easy to see as +the Decorations on the breast of a Rear Admiral of a Dry Dock.</p> + +<p>One wonders how it escaped being discovered so long!</p> + +<p>But when you look at this map of the Western Hemisphere as it appeared +about a thousand years ago, when Lief Ericsen discovered New England, +you will understand that +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span> +discovering America in those days was no child’s play.</p> + +<p>Nevertheless, Lief, the son of Eric, did not think much of his find.</p> + +<p>How could a lowbrowed viking be expected to understand Boston, much less +what was going to be Boston in a thousand years!</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 338px;"> +<img src="images/img71.png" width="338" height="300" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">Early Map of the Western Hemisphere</span> +</div> + +<p>After writing his Impressions of America in obscure Runes on a +conspicuous rock, Lief pulled up his anchor and sailed home to Norway.</p> + +<p>No one could decipher the Runes, but everybody suspected what they +meant.</p> + +<p>And Lief was justly punished for his rudeness, his statue stands (so +runs the tale) in the Fenway of Boston to this day.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> +America was not discovered again for nearly five hundred years.</p> + +<p>Then Christopher Columbus took a hand, but though he made four trips to +the New World, Columbus carelessly neglected to write a book or even a +magazine article on his Impressions of America.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 471px;"> +<img src="images/img72.png" width="471" height="400" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A new path in Navigation, just as in Art or Literature, once shown, is +easy to follow, and seven years later an Italian plagiarist named +Amerigo discovered America all over again and copyrighted the whole +continent in his own name.</p> + +<p>By this time, as the accompanying map will show, the continent of +America had gained considerably in bulk and offered an easy mark +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> to the +horde of discoverers who came in the wake of Amerigo.</p> + +<p>And still they come—and though it is too late to secure a copyright on +the continent they never fail to copyright their impressions of +America.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 477px;"> +<img src="images/img74.png" width="477" height="600" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">The Mayflower</span> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XX" id="XX"></a>CHAPTER XX</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>BOSTON</strong></p> + +<p> </p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/img75.png" width="600" height="330" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + + +<p>In spite of many laudable attempts, America was never seriously +discovered until the year 1620 when the Mayflower landed in +Massachusetts a cargo of Heirlooms, Boston Terriers, Beans and +Ancestors.</p> + +<p>Thus were established the three leading industries of Massachusetts, the +manufacture of genuine antique furniture and Pedigrees (Human and +canine).</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> +BOSTON is a centre of Gravity completely surrounded by Newtons.</p> + +<p>BOSTON is also the centre of the Universe.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 498px;"> +<img src="images/img76.png" width="498" height="500" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">A Perfect Day in Boston</span> +</div> + +<p>The great poet Anonymous has immortalized Boston as</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 15em;"> + <span style="margin-left: -.5em;"><em>“The home of the Bean and the Cod</em></span><br /> + <em>Where Lowells speak only to Cabots</em><br /> + <em>And Cabots speak only to God.”</em></p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span> +Some say the lines were not written by Anonymous but by a later poet +named Ibid, but what does a poet’s name matter except to his creditors?</p> + +<p>Boston is famous for its historic associations and landmarks which well +repay a visit.</p> + +<p>Even the quaint and curious Pullmans that convey the traveller thither +are relics of a bygone day and a joy to the heart of the antiquarian.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XXI" id="XXI"></a>CHAPTER XXI</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>THE UNITED STATES</strong></p> + + +<p>The United States is a large body of laughter-loving people completely +surrounded by Trusts.</p> + +<p>It is the richest country in the world. Nowhere is food so plentiful, +nowhere are the Cows so friendly, the Hens so industrious.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 132px;"> +<img src="images/img78.png" width="132" height="150" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>When the American Hens die they go to join their unhatched children in a +cold-storage Heaven where they live forever.</p> + +<p>So too the Cows, so too the Fish, if there is room for them; if not they +are turned into fertilizer to keep them from scaling down the market +price.</p> + +<p>To add to the merriment of the People, the Sovereign Farmers and +Financiers passed an amendment to the Constitution and Holy Writ (See I. +Timothy V. 23.) abolishing Temperance, the sin of resisting temptation.</p> + +<p>At their bidding, thousands of acres of +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> +deadly grape vines have been +destroyed, and, if these great and good men fulfil their promise, ere +long the nation will be saved also from the ravages of the vicious +Tobac——*</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 32em; font-size: smaller;"> + * We fail to see what this has<br /> + to do with Geography.<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 10em;"><em>The Reader.</em></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 327px;"> +<img src="images/img79.png" width="327" height="400" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">A Pilgrim Landing</span> +</div> + +<p>Well, to return to the United States. The United States is a large dry +country bounded on the north by Canadian Club Whisky, on +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> the south by +Mexican Pulque, and on the East and West by Salt Water. The Population +consists of one hundred million thirsty souls, some of whom are +Americans.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/img80a.png" width="600" height="204" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">The Original Straphangers</span> +</div> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 177px;"> +<img src="images/img80b.png" width="177" height="200" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Religious to a fault, and ambidexterously prodigal, they nevertheless +show signs of reverting to the condition of the Arboreal Anthropoids.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 196px;"> +<img src="images/img81a.png" width="196" height="250" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>A race of Straphangers is developing. At certain hours of the day, they +may be seen seeking their habitations in great flocks, swinging from +strap to strap with loud cries and a peculiar whirling motion.</p> + +<p>The Original inhabitants were Red Indians; these were supplanted by Pale +Pilgrims, who first settled the country and then settled the Indians.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p> + +<p>The Indian practice of painting and wearing feathers shocked the Pilgrim +Fathers and Pilgrim Mothers, but the Pilgrim Daughters made a note of +the fashions for future use.</p> + +<p>The climate of the United States is bracing and stimulating; travellers +have even been known to compare the air to champagne but, though highly +exhilarating it is absolutely non-intoxicating.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/img81b.png" width="600" height="248" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Prohibition Chemists after a careful analysis having discovered no +perceptible trace of Alcohol, The Anti-Saloon League has decided that +the use of the atmosphere shall be in no way restricted.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 88px;"> +<img src="images/img82.png" width="88" height="250" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>In large cities the sky is kept clean by means of tall Sky-Scrapers. +Nowhere is there a +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> +more impressive example of American inventive Genius +than the array of Sky-Scrapers seen from New York Harbour, day and +night, year in, year out, scraping away the germ-laden dust and refuse +and imparting a bright and cheerful gloss to the surface of the sky.</p> + +<p>Another object of interest in the harbour is the statue of a once +popular favourite.</p> + +<p>People who remember her, say it is far from a flattering likeness.</p> + +<p>The Capitol of the United States is Washington—named after a famous +Britisher who won American Independence from George the III, the fat +German King of unsound mind, then holding down the English Throne.</p> + +<p>New York is the tallest and the noisiest city in the world. It contains +over Five million people speaking a Babel of twenty different languages +besides English.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>The inhabitants of America are the most Moral and Patriotic people in +the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World +War.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 407px;"> +<img src="images/img83.png" width="407" height="500" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<h3>UNCLE SAM’S PHRENOLOGICAL CHART</h3> + +<div class='center'> +<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary=""> + +<tr> <td align='right'>1</td> <td align='left'>Thirst</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>23</td> <td align='left'>Aquasity</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>2</td> <td align='left'>Self-effacement</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>24</td> <td align='left'>{</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>3</td> <td align='left'>Calculation</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>25</td> <td align='left'>{ Prairifulness</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>4</td> <td align='left'>Providence</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>26</td> <td align='left'>Plainness</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>5</td> <td align='left'>Love of the Almighty ($)</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>27</td> <td align='left'>Incredulity</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>6</td> <td align='left'>Justice</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>28</td> <td align='left'>Animosity</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>7</td> <td align='left'>Somnolence</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>29</td> <td align='left'>Nebraskability</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>8</td> <td align='left'>Love of Peaches</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>30</td> <td align='left'>Love of Freedom</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>9</td> <td align='left'>Pride of Race</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>31</td> <td align='left'>Modesty</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>10</td> <td align='left'>Nicotianity</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>32</td> <td align='left'>Oregonality</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>11</td> <td align='left'>Love of Camp-meetings</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>33</td> <td align='left'>Furbearance</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>12</td> <td align='left'>Fruitfulness</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>34</td> <td align='left'>Argentility</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>13</td> <td align='left'>Coonfulness</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>35</td> <td align='left'>Pique</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>14</td> <td align='left'>Colour</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>36</td> <td align='left'>Breadth</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>15</td> <td align='left'>Levity</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>37</td> <td align='left'>Presence of Mine</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>16</td> <td align='left'>Illicit Spirituality</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>38</td> <td align='left'>Gamefulness</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>17</td> <td align='left'>Love of Travel</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>39</td> <td align='left'>Conjugality</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>18</td> <td align='left'>Size</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>40</td> <td align='left'>Cowboyishness</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>19</td> <td align='left'>Bashfulness</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>41</td> <td align='left'>Sheepishness</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>20</td> <td align='left'>Scribosity</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>42</td> <td align='left'>Reserve</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>21</td> <td align='left'>Armorousness</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'>43</td> <td align='left'>Reciprocity</td> </tr> + +<tr> <td align='right'>22</td> <td align='left'>Horse Sense</td> <td class="tdp"></td> + <td align='right'></td> <td align='left'></td> </tr> +</table></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XXII" id="XXII"></a>CHAPTER XXII</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>CANADA</strong></p> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 181px; margin-top: -4em;"> +<img src="images/img84.png" width="181" height="400" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption1">“The apparel oft proclaims +the man.”—<span class="smcap">Hamlet.</span></span> +</div> + + +<p>Canada, with the exception of Mexico, is the only part of North America +not ruled by the Irish.</p> + +<p>In former days it was a popular Health Resort for frenzied financiers +who wished to retire from private life.</p> + +<p>It is now a still more popular resort for Americans suffering from +thirst.</p> + +<p>Though next door neighbours and rivals in business and, what is still +more trying, near relatives, Canada and the United States are the best +of friends.</p> + +<p>For over a hundred years there has not been so much as a picket-fence or +a policeman, much less a patrol or a +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span> +fortification, on the border line between the two countries.</p> + +<p>Canada has not, like her sister Columbia, “severed home ties”; she is +perfectly happy under the parental roof, earns her own living, has a +latch key and stays out as late as she pleases and has never been able +to understand “why girls leave home.”</p> + +<p>Though differing in many respects, the United States and Canada have so +much in common and are so nearly of the same age and size that, in any +musical comedy of Nations, the two might easily pass for a “sister +turn.”</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>The inhabitants of Canada are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the +World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World +War.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 153px;"> +<img src="images/img85.png" width="153" height="150" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XXIII" id="XXIII"></a>CHAPTER XXIII</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>GREAT BRITAIN</strong></p> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 267px; margin-top: -3em;"> +<img src="images/img86.png" width="267" height="250" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">The Planet Jupiter</span><br /> +(from a photograph) +</div> + +<p>If you look carefully under the upper left hand corner of the map of +Europe, you will find a small pink island no bigger than the state of +Idaho.</p> + +<p>But a Country must not be judged by its size.</p> + +<p>The Planet Jupiter is twelve times as large as this Giddy Globe of ours, +and has eight private moons of its own, but for all that Jupiter is not +a desirable spot for Lovers, being for the most part molten, and +somewhat spotty.</p> + +<p>This little Pink Island is Great Britain, the little mother of +one-fourth of all the countries of the Globe, including the United +States.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 441px;"> +<img src="images/img87.jpg" width="441" height="500" alt="image" title="" /></div> +<p><span style="margin-left: 10em; font-size: smaller;"><em>From poster by James Montgomery Flagg.</em></span><br /> +<span class="smcap" style="margin-left: 16em;"><strong>The English-Speaking Union</strong></span></p> + + +<p>The English People, or (if one <em>must</em> be accurate) the British, are the most to and +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span>fro-ward people +in the world; like the bear in the fable when they are tired of going +<em>to and fro</em> they reverse the process and go <em>fro and to</em>.</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 16em;"> + <em>With Bibles and Bathtubs</em><br /> + <em>And Ballots and Beer</em><br /> + <em>And Hope and Hygienics</em><br /> + <em>They girdle the Sphere.</em></p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 204px;"> +<img src="images/img88.png" width="204" height="200" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>In every quarter of the globe they have planted seeds of self-government +which today are blossoming into an English-Speaking Union under the +British and American Flags that embrace one-fourth of the surface of the +earth.</p> + +<p>The climate of England is temperate. Its air is not, like that of the +United States, compared to champagne.</p> + +<p>London, the capital, is famous for its fogs; this is due to the absence +of Sky-Scrapers.</p> + +<p>London is also the centre of that vicious heritage of the Victorian Era, +Respectability.</p> + +<p>For any enjoyable degree of latitude, the Londoner must go to Paris, +Vienna or Buda Pesth and other capitals, which in return take +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> their +degrees of longitude from London (or Greenwich).</p> + +<p>This picture shows the famous Rock of Gibraltar, inscribed with the +French motto of British respectability (<em>Honi soit qui mal y pense</em>) +done into English.</p> + +<p>The principal products of Great Britain are Beef, Bishops, Banks, and +Barometers.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>The inhabitants of England are the most Moral and Patriotic people in +the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World +War.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 219px;"> +<img src="images/img89.png" width="219" height="250" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XXIV" id="XXIV"></a>CHAPTER XXIV</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>SCOTLAND</strong></p> + +<p> </p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 187px; margin-top: -6em;"> +<img src="images/img90.png" width="187" height="400" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption1">“The apparel oft proclaims the man.”—<span class="smcap">Hamlet.</span></span> +</div> + +<p>A mountainous, peaty region in the northern part of Great Britain.</p> + +<p>The Dew distilled from the Scotch mountains, flavoured with the peat of +the valleys is highly prized by the natives, not only of Scotland but of +all the English speaking countries of this Giddy Globe.</p> + +<p>The inhabitants are a tall, barb-wiry, music-loving, pious and +joke-fearing race, fond of loud plaids and still Lauder songs.</p> + +<p>Their tall spare frames have given rise to the term Bony (or Bonny) +Scotland, supposed by some to be derived from “Bonnet,” the national +headgear.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span> +The principal products of Scotland are Porridge, Parsons and Pilbrochs.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>The inhabitants of Scotland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in +the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World +War.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 262px;"> +<img src="images/img91.png" width="262" height="250" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XXV" id="XXV"></a>CHAPTER XXV</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>IRELAND</strong></p> + +<p> </p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/img92a.png" width="400" height="133" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption1">“The apparel oft proclaims the man.”—<span class="smcap">Hamlet.</span></span> +</div> + +<p> </p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 183px; margin-top: -3em;"> +<img src="images/img92b.png" width="183" height="250" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Ireland is the land of the Irish Bull, a paradoxical Bovine whose +cross-eyed horns can toss a British commonplace in two directions at +once.</p> + +<p>The population of Ireland consists chiefly of Absentee landlords and +Emigrants to the United States.</p> + +<p>They are ruled by two Absentee governments, a Parliament at Westminster +and an Itinerant President.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 384px;"> +<img src="images/img93.png" width="384" height="500" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">Scene in Irish House of Parliament</span> +</div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> +The country is infested with Absentee Snakes. It is believed that the +Serpent who tempted Eve (from the “way he had with the women”) was one +of these Absentee snakes.</p> + +<p>Strabo, the Greek Geographer who visited Ireland long before St. +Patrick, describes the inhabitants as, “<em>more savage than the Britons, +feeding on human flesh and enormous eaters, deeming it commendable to +devour their deceased fathers</em>.”</p> + +<p>Strabo evidently attended a wake and miscalculated the strength of the +national beverage.</p> + +<p>The principal products of Ireland are Potatoes, Pugilists, +Patriots,<a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a> +Poteen and Bernard Shaw.</p> + + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>The inhabitants of Ireland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in +the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World +War.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 525px;"> +<img src="images/img95.png" width="525" height="500" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">The Giddy Globe Consoling Ireland</span> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XXVI" id="XXVI"></a>CHAPTER XXVI</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>WALES</strong></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 191px;"> +<img src="images/img96.png" width="191" height="200" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p style="margin-left: 12em;"> + <em>See the Welsh Rabbit—he is bred on cheese;</em><br /> + <em>(Or cheese on bread, whichever way you please).</em><br /> + <em>Although he’s tough, he looks so mild, who’d think</em><br /> + <em>That a strong man from this small beast would shrink?</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 15em;"><em>Carolyn Wells.</em></span></p> + + +<p>Wales is the home of the Welsh bards so called because the language in +which they are written, which resembles a mixture of Chech, Chinese, +Celtic and <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span> +Chocktaw, is <em>barred</em> from the concert and operatic stage.</p> + +<p>The most famous products of Wales are the Welsh Rabbit, the Prince of +Wales and Lloyd George.</p> + +<p>The Welsh Rabbit, born in a chafing dish and prolific as his namesake of +Australia, has spread all over the Giddy Globe and been a potent factor +in keeping the world awake.</p> + +<p>Lloyd George too (strange parallel!) was born in a political chafing +dish and has been an even more powerful factor in keeping the world +awake.</p> + +<p>Let us hope that the Prince of Wales (Bless him) will follow in the +footsteps of this illustrious pair and live to keep the world awake long +after this Geography has gone into its hundred thousandth edition!</p> + +<p>The Prince has been immortalized in the following lines:</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 15em;"> + <em>“Hurray!” cried the Kitten,</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 3em;"><em>“Hurray!”</em></span><br /> + <em>As he merrily set the sails,</em><br /> + <em>“I sail o’er the ocean</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 3em;"><em>today, today,</em></span><br /> + <em>To look at the Prince of Wales!”</em></p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 15em;"> + <em>“Oh, Kitten, pause at the brink!</em><br /> + <em>And think of the angry gales!”</em><br /> + <em>“Ah, yes,” cried the Kitten, “but think!</em><br /> + <em>Oh, think of the Prince of Wales!”</em></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 15em;"> + <em>“But, Kitten,” I cried, dismayed,</em><br /> + <em>“If you live through the angry gales</em><br /> + <em>You know you will be afraid</em><br /> + <em>To look at the Prince of Wales!”</em></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 15em;"> + <em>Said the Kitten, “No such thing!</em><br /> + <em>Why should he make me wince?</em><br /> + <em>If a Cat may look at a King,</em><br /> + <em>A Kitten may look at a Prince!”</em></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="PART_III" id="PART_III"></a>PART III</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>FOREIGN COUNTRIES</strong></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XXVII" id="XXVII"></a>CHAPTER XXVII</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>SOUTH AMERICA</strong></p> + + +<p>From the beginning of time up to the present century, the continents of +North and South America were joined together in terrestrial bonds of +matrimony.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 247px;"> +<img src="images/img101.jpg" width="247" height="200" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">South American Wild Horse</span><br /> +(From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker) +</div> + +<p>They were seemingly inseparable.</p> + +<p>The first indication that everything was not as it should be with this +long united couple, was in the year 1880, when a Frenchman named De +Lesseps (who had already succeeded +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> +in divorcing Asia and Africa) attempted to bring about a separation.</p> + +<p>The attempt, however, was a failure, and, after dragging on for eight +years, proceedings were dropped for want of funds.</p> + +<p>Fourteen years later President Roosevelt, desiring to remove all +obstacles to a much desired union of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, +started a new action for divorce on the same grounds as that of De +Lesseps, and in August, 1902, the divorce of North and South America and +the wedding of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans were simultaneously +celebrated.</p> + +<p>The Northern and Southern continents are now better friends than ever +and the Atlantic Ocean no longer has to sneak round by the back door to +spend an evening with the Pacific.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XXVIII" id="XXVIII"></a>CHAPTER XXVIII</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>HOLLAND</strong></p> + +<p> </p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 255px;"> +<img src="images/img103.jpg" width="255" height="250" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + + +<p>The Dutch are the cleanest people in the world. So deep-seated is Dutch +cleanliness that Godliness (in the next seat) must get up and cling to a +strap.</p> + +<p>In Holland they run cleanliness into the ground, the heads of the +cabbages are inspected every day and the ears of the corn and the necks +of the bottles scrubbed regularly every Saturday night.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> +The Sky alone escapes the mop of the Dutch housewife but the clouds are +kept busy posing for the landscape painters.</p> + +<p>Even the Wind is not allowed to be idle; wind mills are posted +everywhere and not a breath of air can stir without performing some +useful task.</p> + +<p>And the Sea! The majestic Sea, that has always boasted of its freedom, +is locked up in Dykes and forced to do the work of highways and +railroads.</p> + +<p>The capital of Holland is the Hague, and here was held the first Peace +Conference (in 1898), a gathering of Autocrats and Plutocrats to discuss +the Economics of War.</p> + +<p><em>Firstly</em>, to make rules by which war may be conducted with the least +possible damage to Vested Interests.</p> + +<p><em>Secondly</em>, to reduce the cost of war by the use of methods which, while +putting a soldier out of action, will not injure him beyond the +possibility of repair for use in another War.</p> + +<p>Today the Peace Palace is to let and Andrew Carnegie, who built it, is +dead, but another Conference (called by Woodrow Wilson) is to be held in +Geneva which, Peter Simple hopes, will abolish War forever.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span> +The inhabitants of Holland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in +the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World +War.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XXIX" id="XXIX"></a>CHAPTER XXIX</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>BELGIUM</strong></p> + + +<p>Belgium may be compared to a Hollandaise Sauce with a piquant Gallic +flavour.</p> + +<p>Belgium is the Bridgeway from Prussia to France, and King Albert of +Belgium is the modern Horatius who</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 16em;"> + <em>“ ... facing fearful odds,</em><br /> + <em>For the ashes of his fathers</em><br /> + <em>And the temples of his Gods,”</em></p> + +<p>kept “the bridge” in the brave days of 1914.</p> + +<p>Crowns are not as fashionable today as they were in 1914, but the Crown +of King Albert is of the sort that will never be out of style, and +besides being a perfect fit, is strikingly becoming to him.</p> + +<p>When Julius Cæsar described the Belgians as the “Bravest of all the +Gauls” he was a Prophet as well as a Historian.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span> +The inhabitants of Belgium are the most Moral and Patriotic people in +the World, and if they hadn’t “kept the bridge” the World War could +never have been won.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 480px;"> +<img src="images/img108.png" width="480" height="500" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">A Perfect Day in Paris</span> +</div> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XXX" id="XXX"></a>CHAPTER XXX</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>FRANCE</strong></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 457px;"> +<img src="images/img109.png" width="457" height="300" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption1">“The apparel oft proclaims the man.”—<span class="smcap">Hamlet.</span></span> +</div> + + +<p>France is the greatest Millinery Power on earth. The capital of France +is Paris.</p> + +<p>Paris, though inhabited largely by Americans and English, is famous for +its gaiety.</p> + +<p>The principal products of Paris are Plaster +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> +of Paris, Paris Green, +Parasols and Pâté de fois gras.*</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 32em; font-size: smaller;"> + * Alliteration is the thief of accuracy!<br /> + <em>Pâté de fois gras</em> is the product<br /> + of Strasburg.<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 10em;"><em>The Reader.</em></span></p> + +<p>The Reader is, for once, mistaken. Paris, as everyone knows, is France, +and Strasburg, thanks to Haig, Foch, Albert, Pershing and Co., is now +French.</p> + +<p>Paris is divided into two parts—</p> + +<p class="center">I. Paris Proper.</p> + +<p>Famous for The Eiffel tower, a sky-scraper that contains no offices and +the Magasin de Louvre which is visited by thousands of Americans daily.</p> + +<p>There is also another Louvre containing some pictures (hand painted) and +statues.</p> + +<p class="center">II. Paris Improper.<br /> + +<span style="font-size: 2em;"> +.............................................................<br /> + +.............................................................<br /> + +.............................................................</span><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 20em;">(See <a href="#APPENDIX">Appendix</a>.)</span></p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>The inhabitants of France are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the +World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World +War.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XXXI" id="XXXI"></a>CHAPTER XXXI</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>GERMANY</strong></p> + + +<h2><em>THIS SPACE TO LET</em></h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 197px; margin-top: -5em;"> +<img src="images/img111.png" width="197" height="400" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption1">“The apparel oft proclaims the man.”—<span class="smcap">Hamlet.</span></span> +</div> + +<p> </p> +<p>While Repairs are being made, in the temporary absence of Messrs. +Hohenzollern & Co., the Show Window of this establishment may be rented +for the display of Bolshevism, Anarchism, Socialism, or any other +popular Ism that may apply.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XXXII" id="XXXII"></a>CHAPTER XXXII</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>SWITZERLAND</strong></p> + + +<p>Switzerland is famous for its Condensed Milk, Cuckoo Clocks, Yodelers, +and Heroes.</p> + +<p>The Swiss are an Artless people.</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 3em; margin-right: 3em;"> +“What more worthy people! Whose every Alpine gap yawns with tradition, +and is stocked with noble story, yet, the perverse and scornful one +(Art) will none of it, and the sons of patriots are left with the clock +that turns the mill, and the sudden cuckoo, with difficulty restrained +in its box.”<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 35em;"><em>Whistler.</em></span></p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>The inhabitants of Switzerland are the most Moral and Patriotic people +in the World and their army is second to none in bravery and won the +World War.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XXXIII" id="XXXIII"></a>CHAPTER XXXIII</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>MONACO</strong></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 148px;"> +<img src="images/img113.png" width="148" height="150" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>Monaco is the centre of the spinning industry of the world.</p> + +<p>Over a million and a quarter people go to Monte Carlo every year to +spin.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>The inhabitants of Monaco are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the +World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World +War.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XXXIV" id="XXXIV"></a>CHAPTER XXXIV</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>TURKEY</strong></p> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/img115.png" width="300" height="135" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>When what was once a Turkey comes before us on a platter (like this) +shorn of all that endeared it to itself, a burnt offering to Appetite, +fresh from the burning, no one questions what will be the “<em> ... last +scene of all. That ends this strange eventful history.</em>”</p> + +<p>All he wants to know is whether he will get the particular slice he has +mentally reserved for himself.</p> + +<p>Just so that other Turkey that sits on the fence between Europe and Asia +and gobbles defiance at an avenging world.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span> +The avenging Powers sit round as they have sat round before, waiting +each one for the slice he has mentally reserved for himself. But there +won’t be any slices!</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 15em;"> + <em>You may burn, you may shatter</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><em>The Turk if you will,</em></span><br /> + <em>He will rise from his ashes</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><em>And roost with you still.</em></span></p> + +<p>He is the modern incarnation of the indestructible Phœnix Bird.</p> + +<p>Nevertheless we must give the Devil his due; the Turks are a fearless +people; they have many wives.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>The inhabitants of Turkey are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the +World, and their army is second to none in bravery and they won the +World War.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 491px;"> +<img src="images/img116.png" width="491" height="500" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">A Perfect Day in Petrograd</span> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XXXV" id="XXXV"></a>CHAPTER XXXV</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>RUSSIA</strong></p> + + +<p>Russia comprises one-sixth of the landscape and snowscape of the Globe. +Formerly the property of a Czar named Nicholas, it is now owned by a +Superczar named Lenine.</p> + +<p>The principal objects of interest are Samovars, Soviets, Sables, and the +Steppes.</p> + +<p>The Steppes of Russia, though vast and quite bare, have nothing to do +with those of the Russian Dancers.</p> + +<p>At the present stage of Russian Affairs they may better be compared to +the well-known Steps to Avernus, which are for descent only—and easy at +that!</p> + +<p>Today almost the only articles of Russian Manufacture are Natural Ice +and Press Dispatches.</p> + +<p>Of manufacture of the latter, as regards +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> +volume at least, there has +never been such an enorm——*</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 32em; font-size: smaller;"> + * Why go on about Russia?<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 10em;"><em>The Reader.</em></span></p> + +<p>Quite right! Russia is too large for such a little Geography as this.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 267px;"> +<img src="images/img118.png" width="267" height="400" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>We will leave Russia as quickly as possible.</p> + +<p>Watch your Steppe!</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XXXVI" id="XXXVI"></a>CHAPTER XXXVI</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>NORWAY AND SWEDEN</strong></p> + + +<p>It is all very sad about Norway and Sweden! A handsomer country +couple—or couple of countries—it would be hard to meet anywhere, and +so propinquous! Have they not been next-door neighbours from the infancy +of the world?</p> + +<p>And everybody knows what Propinquity does.</p> + +<p>It is Cupid’s middle name; what more natural than that they should get +married?</p> + +<p>Haven’t you heard? Well, it all happened so quickly, they were married +in Vienna in 1815, and—well, you know Propinquity is the Devil’s middle +name, too—they were divorced in 1905 after a brief married life of only +ninety years!</p> + +<p>What could have been the trouble?</p> + +<p>Some say the food, others attribute it to the Domestic Drama. Perhaps it +was both. Here is a typical Scandinavian Menu—</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 5em;"> +Pjkled Ojsters<br /> +Bjsque of Snajls<br /> +Frjed Fjsh<br /> +Natjve Wjne<br /> +Qujnce Jce-cream<br /> +Onjons and Bjsqujts</p> + +<p>It might almost pass for an Ibsen Play with the average theatre-goer; it +has what the average theatre-goer calls “atmosphere.”</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<img src="images/img120.jpg" width="500" height="354" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p style="margin-left: 15em;"> + <em>I once drew Ibsen, looking bored</em><br /> + <em>Across a deep Norwegian Fjord,</em><br /> + <em>And very nearly everyone</em><br /> + <em>Mistook him for the Midnight Sun.</em></p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> +Norway is the home of the Ibsenian or stodgy, as distinguished from the +stagey, Drama.</p> + +<p>James Huneker, the eminent Lexicographer, as a compliment to that great +and hirsutiferous playwright, has re-christened Norway “The Land of the +Midnight Whiskers.”</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>The inhabitants of Norway and Sweden are the most Moral and Patriotic +People in the World, and they won the World War.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XXXVII" id="XXXVII"></a>CHAPTER XXXVII</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>AFRICA</strong></p> +<p> </p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 273px;"> +<img src="images/img122.png" width="273" height="300" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption1">“The apparel oft proclaims the man.”<br />—<span class="smcap">Hamlet.</span></span> +</div> + + +<p>Africa is the richest “jack-pot” in the game of territorial “freeze-out” +played by the European Powers. The stakes represent diamonds, gold, +ivory, rubber and slaves, though the latter are nominally outside the +limit.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 265px;"> +<img src="images/img123a.jpg" width="265" height="200" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">An Elephant</span><br /> +(From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker) +</div> + +<p>The game began nearly three centuries ago and now in the early morning +of the twentieth century (such a fascinating game is Poker!) it is still +in progress, though Germany, who staked all her pile and lost, has +dropped out.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 330px;"> +<img src="images/img123b.jpg" width="330" height="200" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">A Lion</span><br /> +(From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker) +</div> + +<p>The ancient Greek Geographer Strabo (64 B. C.) describes Africa as “the +fruitful nurse of large serpents, elephants, antelopes and similar +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> +animals; of lions also and panthers.” He does not mention the +Chimpanzees, who are the most remarkable of all the aboriginal +inhabitants, a gentle and peace-loving race, abstemious without being +bigoted, and patriotic to a high degree, very few surviving +transportation from their native jungle.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 461px;"> +<img src="images/img124.png" width="461" height="500" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p style="margin-left: 16em;"> + <em>Children, behold the Chimpanzee!</em><br /> + <em>He sits on the ancestral tree</em><br /> + <em>From which we sprang in ages gone,</em><br /> + <em>I’m glad we sprang—had we held on</em><br /> + <em>We might, for all that I can say,</em><br /> + <em>Be horrid Chimpanzees to-day.</em></p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>The inhabitants of Africa are the most Moral and Patriotic in the World, +and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XXXVIII" id="XXXVIII"></a>CHAPTER XXXVIII</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>ARABIA</strong></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 269px;"> +<img src="images/img126.jpg" width="269" height="200" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">A Camel</span><br /> +(From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker) +</div> + + +<p>Arabia is the home of the Camel and the Bedouin.</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 15em;"> + <span style="margin-left: -.5em;">“The Camel may be likened to</span><br /> + A desert ship. (This is not new.)<br /> + He is a most ungainly craft,<br /> + With frowning turrets fore and aft<br /> + We little realize on earth,<br /> + How much we owe to his great girth,<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span> + For should he ever shrink so small<br /> + As through the needle’s eye to crawl,<br /> + Rich men might climb the golden stairs<br /> + And so leave nothing to their heirs.”</p> + +<p>The Camel is called the ship of the desert because its gait is said to +resemble the motion of a ship.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<img src="images/img127.png" width="500" height="272" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">A Bedouin <span style="margin-left: 10em;">A Folding-Bedouin</span></span> +</div> + +<p>To be strictly accurate it is a hundred times worse than a ship, but not +quite so bad as a motor bus.</p> + +<p>The Bedouin makes his bed in the sand, or bed-rock, avoiding river-beds +or water in any form.</p> + +<p>He must not be confounded with the Folding-Bedouins of North America.</p> + +<p>The Folding-Bedouins are a semi-nomadic +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> +tribe, supposed by some to be +related to the Hall-Roomanians and the Red-Inkas of Bohemia.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>The inhabitants of Arabia are the most Moral and Patriotic in the World, +and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XXXIX" id="XXXIX"></a>CHAPTER XXXIX</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>AUSTRALIA</strong></p> + + +<p>Anyone desiring a change from the wearisome rotation of our seasons, +should go to Australia, where Spring commences on September the +twenty-third, Summer on December the twenty-second, Autumn on March the +twenty-first and Winter on June the twenty-first.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/img129.jpg" width="400" height="273" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The Fauna of Australia, as if determined not to be outdone in +eccentricity by the Seasons, is represented by the Ornithorynchus +Paradoxus, which Peter Simple has described in the following lines</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p> + +<p style="margin-left: 15em;"> + My child, the Duck-billed Platypus<br /> + A sad example sets for us.<br /> + From him we learn how indecision<br /> + Of character provokes derision.<br /> + This vacillating beast, you see,<br /> + Could not decide which he would be—<br /> + Fish, flesh or fowl—and chose all three.<br /> + The scientists were sorely vexed,<br /> + To classify him so perplexed<br /> + Their brains that they with rage at bay<br /> + Called him a horrid name one day,<br /> + A name that baffles, frights and shocks us<br /> + Ornithorynchus Paradoxus.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>The inhabitants of Australia are the most Moral and Patriotic people in +the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World +War.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 200px;"> +<img src="images/img130.png" width="200" height="200" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XL" id="XL"></a>CHAPTER XL</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>CHINA</strong></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 265px;"> +<img src="images/img131.png" width="265" height="250" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + + +<p>China is known as the Flowery Kingdom. It is the most exclusive +flower-garden in the world, and is surrounded by a high wall.</p> + +<p>The only Flower that succeeds in climbing the high wall is the little +flower of Pekoe and her sisters who leave their Porcelain Paradise to +cheer without inebriating the dull people of the outside world.</p> + +<p>The country of China, too, may be likened to a Flower; her treasure is +the envy of the world, and flower-like she must remain rooted +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> to the +ground while the Busy Bees from other lands relieve her of everything +she possesses.</p> + +<p>Everyone agrees that China should have an Open Door, but the Busy Bee +Nations want a Door that opens only inwards, while the Flower Nation +wants a door that opens only outwards.</p> + +<p>At a recent conference of Bees and Flowers, Peter Simple suggested a +Revolving Door as a compromise.</p> + +<p>A commission was at once appointed by President Chu Chin Chow to report +on Revolving Doors.</p> + +<p>The matter is still being revolved. It may end in a Revolution.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>The inhabitants of China are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the +World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World +War.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XLI" id="XLI"></a>CHAPTER XLI</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>JAPAN</strong></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 494px;"> +<img src="images/img133.png" width="494" height="600" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="blockquot"><p class="center"><span class="smcap">Translation</span></p> + +<p>The inhabitants of Japan are the most Moral and Patriotic people in +the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the +World War.</p></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="XLII" id="XLII"></a>CHAPTER XLII</h2> + +<p class="center"><strong>EGYPT, INDIA, ITALY, SPAIN, GREECE, ETC.</strong></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 209px;"> +<img src="images/img134.png" width="209" height="230" alt="image" title="" /> +</div> + + +<p>No work on Geography could be called complete without a description of +these six (counting, etc.) countries.</p> + +<p>If the Reader should ask me how I came to leave six such important +countries to the last page, I should be compelled to change the subject.</p> + +<p>Writing a little Geography Book is like packing a very small bag for a +journey round the world, only instead of cramming it with shirts and +shoes and collars and handkerchiefs and brushes, you stuff it full of +countries, and when you try to close it (as with the bag) you +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span> always +find that you have left out at least several of the most important +things.</p> + +<p>No amount of squeezing (or sitting on the lid) will make room for six +such big countries in a little book that is already as full as it can +be.</p> + +<p>The only thing to do is to take out all the countries and lay them in a +row and see which you can get along best without; you can’t possibly +spare any of the large countries; the question is how many of the little +countries together would——*</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 32em; font-size: smaller;"> + * You are digressing again,<br /> + worse than ever! This thing<br /> + has got to stop!<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 10em;"><em>The Reader.</em></span></p> + +<p>Oh, very well! If that’s the way the Reader feels about it it shall stop +right here.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 192px;"> +<img src="images/img135.png" width="192" height="250" alt="image" title="" /> +<span class="caption">THE END</span> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="EPILOGUE" id="EPILOGUE"></a>EPILOGUE</h2> + + +<p style="margin-left: 16em;"> + <em>If this little world to-night</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><em>Suddenly should fall thro’ space</em></span><br /> + <em>In a hissing, headlong flight</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><em>Shrivelling from off its face,</em></span><br /> + <em>As it falls into the sun,</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><em>In an instant every trace</em></span><br /> + <em>Of the little crawling things—</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><em>Ants, philosophers, and lice,</em></span><br /> + <em>Cattle, cockroaches, and kings,</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><em>Beggars, millionaires, and mice,</em></span><br /> + <em>Men and maggots all as one</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><em>As it falls into the sun—</em></span><br /> + <em>Who can say but at the same</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><em>Instant from some planet far</em></span><br /> + <em>A child may watch us and exclaim:</em><br /> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><em>“See the pretty shooting star!”</em></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="APPENDIX" id="APPENDIX"></a>APPENDIX</h2> + +<p class="center"><em>See next page.</em></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span></p> +<h2>THE APPENDIX</h2> + +<p class="center"><em>has been removed.</em></p> + +<hr style="width: 95%;" /> + + +</div> + +<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTE:</h3> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1"><span class="label">[A]</span></a> The term <em>Patriot</em> is derived from two Greek words, Pat, a +patronymic, and Riot, a national pastime.</p></div> + +</div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of This Giddy Globe, by Oliver Herford + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THIS GIDDY GLOBE *** + +***** This file should be named 26053-h.htm or 26053-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/0/5/26053/ + +Produced by Audrey Longhurst, Anne Storer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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