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diff --git a/26663-8.txt b/26663-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a465edc --- /dev/null +++ b/26663-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5270 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Fruits of Culture, by Leo Tolstoy + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Fruits of Culture + +Author: Leo Tolstoy + +Translator: Louise Maude + Aylmer Maude + +Release Date: September 20, 2008 [EBook #26663] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FRUITS OF CULTURE *** + + + + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Jana Srna and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + [ Transcriber's Note: + This e-book belongs to Tolstoy's Plays (Complete Edition). The + front matter, including the table of contents, can be found in + e-book #26660; it lists the other plays in the collection. + + Every effort has been made to replicate this text as faithfully as + possible; changes (corrections of spelling and punctuation) made to + the original text are listed at the end of this file. + ] + + + + + FRUITS OF CULTURE + + A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS + + (1889) + + + + +CHARACTERS + + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH ZVEZDÍNTSEF. A retired Lieutenant of the Horse Guards. +Owner of more than 60,000 acres of land in various provinces. A +fresh-looking, bland, agreeable gentleman of 60. Believes in +Spiritualism, and likes to astonish people with his wonderful stories. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA ZVEZDÍNTSEVA. Wife of Leoníd. Stout; pretends to be young; +quite taken up with the conventionalities of life; despises her husband, +and blindly believes in her doctor. Very irritable. + +BETSY. Their daughter. A young woman of 20, fast, tries to be mannish, +wears a pince-nez, flirts and giggles. Speaks very quickly and +distinctly. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH ZVEZDÍNTSEF. Their son, aged 25; has studied law, but +has no definite occupation. Member of the Cycling Club, Jockey Club, and +of the Society for Promoting the Breeding of Hounds. Enjoys perfect +health, and has imperturbable self-assurance. Speaks loud and abruptly. +Is either perfectly serious--almost morose, or is noisily gay and laughs +loud. Is nicknamed Vovo. + +ALEXÉY VLADÍMIRITCH KROUGOSVÉTLOF. A professor and scientist of about +50, with quiet and pleasantly self-possessed manners, and quiet, +deliberate, harmonious speech. Likes to talk. Is mildly disdainful of +those who do not agree with him. Smokes much. Is lean and active. + +THE DOCTOR. About 40. Healthy, fat, red-faced, loud-voiced, and rough; +with a self-satisfied smile constantly on his lips. + +MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. A girl of 20, from the Conservatoire, teacher of +music. Wears a fringe, and is super-fashionably dressed. Obsequious, and +gets easily confused. + +PETRÍSTCHEF. About 28; has taken his degree in philology, and is looking +out for a position. Member of the same clubs as Vasíly Leoníditch, and +also of the Society for the Organisation of Calico Balls.[1] Is +bald-headed, quick in movement and speech, and very polite. + + [1] Economical balls at which the ladies are bound to appear in + dresses made of cotton materials. + +THE BARONESS. A pompous lady of about 50, slow in her movements, speaks +with monotonous intonation. + +THE PRINCESS. A society woman, a visitor. + +HER DAUGHTER. An affected young society woman, a visitor. + +THE COUNTESS. An ancient dame, with false hair and teeth. Moves with +great difficulty. + +GROSSMAN. A dark, nervous, lively man of Jewish type. Speaks very loud. + +THE FAT LADY: MÁRYA VASÍLEVNA TOLBOÚHINA. A very distinguished, rich, +and kindly woman, acquainted with all the notable people of the last and +present generations. Very stout. Speaks hurriedly, trying to be heard +above every one else. Smokes. + +BARON KLÍNGEN (nicknamed KOKO). A graduate of Petersburg University. +Gentleman of the Bedchamber, Attaché to an Embassy. Is perfectly correct +in his deportment, and therefore enjoys peace of mind and is quietly +gay. + +TWO SILENT LADIES. + +SERGÉY IVÁNITCH SAHÁTOF. About 50, an ex-Assistant Minister of State. An +elegant gentleman, of wide European culture, engaged in nothing and +interested in everything. His carriage is dignified and at times even +severe. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Personal attendant on Zvezdíntsef, aged about 60. A +man of some education and fond of information. Uses his pince-nez and +pocket-handkerchief too much, unfolding the latter very slowly. Takes an +interest in politics. Is kindly and sensible. + +GREGORY. A footman, about 28, handsome, profligate, envious, and +insolent. + +JACOB. Butler, about 40, a bustling, kindly man, to whom the interests +of his family in the village are all-important. + +SIMON. The butler's assistant, about 20, a healthy, fresh, peasant lad, +fair, beardless as yet; calm and smiling. + +THE COACHMAN. A man of about 35, a dandy. Has moustaches but no beard. +Rude and decided. + +A DISCHARGED MAN-COOK. About 45, dishevelled, unshaved, bloated, yellow +and trembling. Dressed in a ragged, light summer-overcoat and dirty +trousers. Speaks hoarsely, ejecting the words abruptly. + +THE SERVANTS' COOK. A talkative, dissatisfied woman of 30. + +THE DOORKEEPER. A retired soldier. + +TÁNYA (TATYÁNA MÁRKOVNA). Lady's-maid, 19, energetic, strong, merry, +with quickly-changing moods. At moments, when strongly excited, she +shrieks with joy. + +FIRST PEASANT. About 60. Has served as village Elder. Imagines that he +knows how to treat gentlefolk, and likes to hear himself talk. + +SECOND PEASANT. About 45, head of a family. A man of few words. Rough +and truthful. The father of Simon. + +THIRD PEASANT. About 70. Wears shoes of plaited bast. Is nervous, +restless, hurried, and tries to cover his confusion by much talking. + +FIRST FOOTMAN (in attendance on the Countess). An old man, with +old-fashioned manners, and proud of his place. + +SECOND FOOTMAN. Of enormous size, strong, and rude. + +A PORTER FROM A FASHIONABLE DRESSMAKER'S SHOP. A fresh-faced man in +dark-blue long coat. Speaks firmly, emphatically, and clearly. + +The action takes place in Moscow, in Zvezdíntsef's house. + + + + + FRUITS OF CULTURE + + + + +ACT I + + The entrance hall of a wealthy house in Moscow. There are three + doors: the front door, the door of Leoníd Fyódoritch's study, and + the door of Vasíly Leoníditch's room. A staircase leads up to the + other rooms; behind it is another door leading to the servants' + quarters. + + +SCENE 1. + +GREGORY [looks at himself in the glass and arranges his hair, &c.] I +_am_ sorry about those moustaches of mine! "Moustaches are not becoming +to a footman," she says! And why? Why, so that any one might see you're +a footman,--else my looks might put her darling son to shame. He's a +likely one! There's not much fear of his coming anywhere near me, +moustaches or no moustaches! [Smiling into the glass] And what a lot of +'em swarm round me. And yet I don't care for any of them as much as for +that Tánya. And she only a lady's-maid! Ah well, she's nicer than any +young lady. [Smiles] She is a duck! [Listening] Ah, here she comes. +[Smiles] Yes, that's her, clattering with her little heels. Oh! + + Enter Tánya, carrying a cloak and boots. + +GREGORY. My respects to you, Tatyána Márkovna. + +TÁNYA. What are you always looking in the glass for? Do you think +yourself so good-looking? + +GREGORY. Well, and are my looks not agreeable? + +TÁNYA. So, so; neither agreeable nor disagreeable, but just betwixt and +between! Why are all those cloaks hanging there? + +GREGORY. I am just going to put them away, your ladyship! [Takes down a +fur cloak and, wrapping it round her, embraces her] I say, Tánya, I'll +tell you something ... + +TÁNYA. Oh, get away, do! What do you mean by it? [Pulls herself angrily +away] Leave me alone, I tell you! + +GREGORY [looks cautiously around] Then give me a kiss! + +TÁNYA. Now, really, what are you bothering for? I'll give you such a +kiss! [Raises her hand to strike]. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [off the scene, rings and then shouts] Gregory! + +TÁNYA. There now, go! Vasíly Leoníditch is calling you. + +GREGORY. He'll wait! He's only just opened his eyes! I say, why don't +you love me? + +TÁNYA. What sort of loving have you imagined now? I don't love anybody. + +GREGORY. That's a fib. You love Simon! You have found a nice one to +love--a common, dirty-pawed peasant, a butler's assistant! + +TÁNYA. Never mind; such as he is, you are jealous of him! + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [off the scene] Gregory! + +GREGORY. All in good time.... Jealous indeed! Of what? Why, you have +only just begun to get licked into shape, and who are you tying yourself +up with? Now, wouldn't it be altogether a different matter if you loved +me?... I say, Tánya ... + +TÁNYA [angrily and severely] You'll get nothing from me, I tell you! + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [off the scene] Gregory!! + +GREGORY. You're mighty particular, ain't you? + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [off the scene, shouts persistently, monotonously, and +with all his might] Gregory! Gregory! Gregory! [Tánya and Gregory +laugh]. + +GREGORY. You should have seen the girls that have been sweet on me. +[Bell rings]. + +TÁNYA. Well then, go to them, and leave me alone! + +GREGORY. You are a silly, now I think of it. I'm not Simon! + +TÁNYA. Simon means marriage, and not tomfoolery! + + Enter Porter, carrying a large cardboard box. + +PORTER. Good morning! + +GREGORY. Good morning! Where are you from? + +PORTER. From Bourdey's. I've brought a dress, and here's a note for the +lady. + +TÁNYA [taking the note] Sit down, and I'll take it in. [Exit]. + + Vasíly Leoníditch looks out of the door in shirt-sleeves and + slippers. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Gregory! + +GREGORY. Yes, sir. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Gregory! Don't you hear me call? + +GREGORY. I've only just come, sir. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Hot water, and a cup of tea. + +GREGORY. Yes, sir; Simon will bring them directly. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. And who is this? Ah, from Bourdier? + +PORTER. Yes, sir. + + Exeunt Vasíly Leoníditch and Gregory. Bell rings. Tánya runs in at + the sound of the bell and opens the front door. + +TÁNYA [to Porter] Please wait a little. + +PORTER. I am waiting. + + Sahátof enters at front door. + +TÁNYA. I beg your pardon, but the footman has just gone away. This way, +sir. Allow me, please. [Takes his fur cloak]. + +SAHÁTOF [adjusting his clothes] Is Leoníd Fyódoritch at home? Is he up? +[Bell rings]. + +TÁNYA. Oh yes, sir. He's been up a long time. + + Doctor enters and looks round for the footman. Sees Sahátof and + addresses him in an offhand manner. + +DOCTOR. Ah, my respects to you! + +SAHÁTOF [looks fixedly at him] The Doctor, I believe? + +DOCTOR. And I thought you were abroad! Dropped in to see Leoníd +Fyódoritch? + +SAHÁTOF. Yes. And you? Is any one ill? + +DOCTOR [laughing] Not exactly ill, but, you know ... It's awful with +these ladies! Sits up at cards till three every morning, and pulls her +waist into the shape of a wine-glass. And the lady is flabby and fat, +and carries the weight of a good many years on her back. + +SAHÁTOF. Is this the way you state your diagnosis to Anna Pávlovna? I +should hardly think it quite pleases her! + +DOCTOR [laughing] Well, it's the truth. They do all these tricks--and +then come derangements of the digestive organs, pressure on the liver, +nerves, and all sorts of things, and one has to come and patch them up. +It's just awful! [Laughs] And you? You are also a spiritualist it seems? + +SAHÁTOF. I? No, I am not also a spiritualist.... Good morning! [Is about +to go, but is stopped by the Doctor]. + +DOCTOR. No! But I can't myself, you know, positively deny the +possibility of it, when a man like Krougosvétlof is connected with it +all. How can one? Is he not a professor,--a European celebrity? There +must be something in it. I should like to see for myself, but I never +have the time. I have other things to do. + +SAHÁTOF. Yes, yes! Good morning. [Exit, bowing slightly]. + +DOCTOR [to Tánya] Is Anna Pávlovna up? + +TÁNYA. She's in her bedroom, but please come up. + + Doctor goes upstairs. + + Theodore Ivánitch enters with a newspaper in his hand. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH [to Porter] What is it you want? + +PORTER. I'm from Bourdey's. I brought a dress and a note, and was told +to wait. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Ah, from Bourdey's! [To Tánya] Who came in just now? + +TÁNYA. It was Sergéy Ivánitch Sahátof and the Doctor. They stood talking +here a bit. It was all about spiritalism. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH [correcting her] Spirit_u_alism. + +TÁNYA. Yes, that's just what I said--spiritalism. Have you heard how +well it went off last time, Theodore Ivánitch? [Laughs] There was +knocks, and things flew about! + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. And how do _you_ know? + +TÁNYA. Miss Elizabeth told me. + + Jacob runs in with a tumbler of tea on a tray. + +JACOB [to the Porter] Good morning! + +PORTER [disconsolately] Good morning! + + Jacob knocks at Vasíly Leoníditch's door. + + Gregory enters. + +GREGORY. Give it here. + +JACOB. You didn't bring back all yesterday's tumblers, nor the tray +Vasíly Leoníditch had. And it's me that have to answer for them! + +GREGORY. The tray is full of cigars. + +JACOB. Well, put them somewhere else. It's me who's answerable for it. + +GREGORY. I'll bring it back! I'll bring it back! + +JACOB. Yes, so you say, but it is not where it ought to be. The other +day, just as the tea had to be served, it was not to be found. + +GREGORY. I'll bring it back, I tell you. What a fuss! + +JACOB. It's easy for you to talk. Here am I serving tea for the third +time, and now there's the lunch to get ready. One does nothing but rush +about the livelong day. Is there any one in the house who has more to do +than me? Yet they are never satisfied with me. + +GREGORY. Dear me? Who could wish for any one more satisfactory? You're +such a fine fellow! + +TÁNYA. Nobody is good enough for you! You alone ... + +GREGORY [to Tánya] No one asked your opinion! [Exit]. + +JACOB. Ah well, I don't mind. Tatyána Márkovna, did the mistress say +anything about yesterday? + +TÁNYA. About the lamp, you mean? + +JACOB. And how it managed to drop out of my hands, the Lord only knows! +Just as I began rubbing it, and was going to take hold of it in another +place, out it slips and goes all to pieces. It's just my luck! It's easy +for that Gregory Miháylitch to talk--a single man like him! But when one +has a family, one has to consider things: they have to be fed. I don't +mind work.... So she didn't say anything? The Lord be thanked!... Oh, +Theodore Ivánitch, have you one spoon or two? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. One. Only one! [Reads newspaper]. + + Exit Jacob. + + Bell rings. Enter Gregory (carrying a tray) and the Doorkeeper. + +DOORKEEPER [to Gregory] Tell the master some peasants have come from the +village. + +GREGORY [pointing to Theodore Ivánitch] Tell the major-domo here, it's +his business. I have no time. [Exit]. + +TÁNYA. Where are these peasants from? + +DOORKEEPER. From Koursk, I think. + +TÁNYA [shrieks with delight] It's them.... It's Simon's father come +about the land! I'll go and meet them! [Runs off]. + +DOORKEEPER. Well, then, what shall I say to them? Shall they come in +here? They say they've come about the land--the master knows, they say. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes, they want to purchase some land. All right! But +he has a visitor now, so you had better tell them to wait. + +DOORKEEPER. Where shall they wait? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Let them wait outside. I'll send for them when the +time comes. [Exit Doorkeeper] + + Enter Tánya, followed by three Peasants. + +TÁNYA. To the right. In here! In here! + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I did not want them brought in here! + +GREGORY. Forward minx! + +TÁNYA. Oh, Theodore Ivánitch, it won't matter, they'll stand in this +corner. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. They'll dirty the floor. + +TÁNYA. They've scraped their shoes, and I'll wipe the floor up +afterwards. [To Peasants] Here, stand just here. + + Peasants come forward carrying presents tied in cotton + handkerchiefs: cake, eggs, and embroidered towels. They look around + for an icón before which to cross themselves; not finding one, they + cross themselves looking at the staircase. + +GREGORY [to Theodore Ivánitch]. There now, Theodore Ivánitch, they say +Pironnet's boots are an elegant shape. But those there are ever so much +better. [Pointing to the third Peasant's bast shoes]. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Why will you always be ridiculing people? [Exit +Gregory]. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH [rises and goes up to the Peasants] So you are from +Koursk? And have come to arrange about buying some land? + +FIRST PEASANT. Just so. We might say, it is for the completion of the +purchase of the land we have come. How could we announce ourselves to +the master? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes, yes, I know. You wait a bit and I'll go and +inform him. [Exit]. + + The Peasants look around; they are embarrassed where to put their + presents. + +FIRST PEASANT. There now, couldn't we have what d'you call it? Something +to present these here things on? To do it in a genteel way, like,--a +little dish or something. + +TÁNYA. All right, directly; put them down here for the present. [Puts +bundles on settle]. + +FIRST PEASANT. There now,--that respectable gentleman that was here just +now,--what might be his station? + +TÁNYA. He's the master's valet. + +FIRST PEASANT. I see. So he's also in service. And you, now, are you a +servant too? + +TÁNYA. I am lady's-maid. Do you know, I also come from Démen! I know +you, and you, but I don't know him. [Pointing to third Peasant]. + +THIRD PEASANT. Them two you know, but me you don't know? + +TÁNYA. You are Efím Antónitch. + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just it! + +TÁNYA. And you are Simon's father, Zachary Trifánitch. + +SECOND PEASANT. Right! + +THIRD PEASANT. And let me tell you, I'm Mítry Vlásitch Tchilíkin. Now do +you know? + +TÁNYA. Now I shall know you too! + +SECOND PEASANT. And who may you be? + +TÁNYA. I am Aksínya's, the soldier's wife's, orphan. + +FIRST AND THIRD PEASANTS [with surprise] Never! + +SECOND PEASANT. The proverb says true: + + "Buy a penny pig, put it in the rye, + And you'll have a wonderful fat porker by-and-by." + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just it! She's got the resemblance of a duchess! + +THIRD PEASANT. That be so truly. Oh Lord! + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. [off the scene, rings, and then shouts] Gregory! +Gregory! + +FIRST PEASANT. Now who's that, for example, disturbing himself in such a +way, if I may say so? + +TÁNYA. That's the young master. + +THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord! Didn't I say we'd better wait outside until the +time comes? [Silence]. + +SECOND PEASANT. Is it _you_, Simon wants to marry? + +TÁNYA. Why, has he been writing? [Hides her face in her apron]. + +SECOND PEASANT. It's evident he's written! But it's a bad business he's +imagined here. I see the lad's got spoilt! + +TÁNYA [quickly] No, he's not at all spoilt! Shall I send him to you? + +SECOND PEASANT. Why send him? All in good time. Where's the hurry? + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [desperately, behind scene] Gregory! Where the devil +are you?... [Enters from his room in shirt-sleeves, adjusting his +pince-nez]. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Is every one dead? + +TÁNYA. He's not here, sir.... I'll send him to you at once. [Moves +towards the back door]. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. I could hear you talking, you know. How have these +scarecrows sprung up here? Eh? What? + +TÁNYA. They're peasants from the Koursk village, sir. [Peasants bow]. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. And who is this? Oh yes, from Bourdier. + + Vasíly Leoníditch pays no attention to the Peasants' bow. Tánya + meets Gregory at the doorway and remains on the scene. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [to Gregory] I told you the other boots... I can't +wear these! + +GREGORY. Well, the others are also there. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. But where is _there_? + +GREGORY. Just in the same place! + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. They're not! + +GREGORY. Well, come and see. [Exeunt Gregory and Vasíly Leoníditch]. + +THIRD PEASANT. Say now, might we not in the meantime just go and wait, +say, in some lodging-house or somewhere? + +TÁNYA. No, no, wait a little. I'll go and bring you some plates to put +the presents on. [Exit]. + + Enter Sahátof and Leoníd Fyódoritch, followed by Theodore Ivánitch. + + The Peasants take up the presents, and pose themselves. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [to Peasants] Presently, presently! Wait a bit! +[Points to Porter] Who is this? + +PORTER. From Bourdey's. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Ah, from Bourdier. + +SAHÁTOF [smiling] Well, I don't deny it: still you understand that, +never having seen it, we, the uninitiated, have some difficulty in +believing. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. You say you find it difficult to believe! We do not +ask for faith; all we demand of you is to investigate! How can I help +believing in this ring? Yet this ring came from there! + +SAHÁTOF. From _there_? What do you mean? From where? + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. From the other world. Yes! + +SAHÁTOF [smiling] That's very interesting--very interesting! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, supposing we admit that I'm a man carried away +by an idea, as you think, and that I am deluding myself. Well, but what +of Alexéy Vladímiritch Krougosvétlof--he is not just an ordinary man, +but a distinguished professor, and yet he admits it to be a fact. And +not he alone. What of Crookes? What of Wallace? + +SAHÁTOF. But I don't deny anything. I only say it is very interesting. +It would be interesting to know how Krougosvétlof explains it! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. He has a theory of his own. Could you come +to-night?--he is sure to be here. First we shall have Grossman--you +know, the famous thought-reader? + +SAHÁTOF. Yes, I have heard of him but have never happened to meet him. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Then you must come! We shall first have Grossman, +then Kaptchítch, and our mediumistic séance.... [To Theodore Ivánitch] +Has the man returned from Kaptchítch? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Not yet, sir. + +SAHÁTOF. Then how am I to know? + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Never mind, come in any case! If Kaptchítch can't +come we shall find our own medium. Márya Ignátievna is a medium--not +such a good one as Kaptchítch, but still ... + + Tánya enters with plates for the presents, and stands listening. + +SAHÁTOF [smiling] Oh yes, yes. But here is one puzzling point:--how is +it that the mediums are always of the, so-called, educated class, such +as Kaptchítch and Márya Ignátievna? If there were such a special force, +would it not be met with also among the common people--the peasants? + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Oh yes, and it is! That is very common. Even here in +our own house we have a peasant whom we discovered to be a medium. A few +days ago we called him in--a sofa had to be moved, during a séance--and +we forgot all about him. In all probability he fell asleep. And, fancy, +after our séance was over and Kaptchítch had come to again, we suddenly +noticed mediumistic phenomena in another part of the room, near the +peasant: the table gave a jerk and moved! + +TÁNYA [aside] That was when I was getting out from under it! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. It is quite evident he also is a medium. Especially +as he is very like Home in appearance. You remember Home--a fair-haired +naïve sort of fellow? + +SAHÁTOF [shrugging his shoulders] Dear me, this is very interesting, you +know. I think you should try him. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. So we will! And he is not alone; there are thousands +of mediums, only we do not know them. Why, only a short time ago a +bedridden old woman moved a brick wall! + +SAHÁTOF. Moved a brick ... a brick wall? + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, yes. She was lying in bed, and did not even know +she was a medium. She just leant her arm against the wall, and the wall +moved! + +SAHÁTOF. And did not cave in? + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. And did not cave in. + +SAHÁTOF. Very strange! Well then, I'll come this evening. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Pray do. We shall have a séance in any case. [Sahátof +puts on his outdoor things, Leoníd Fyódoritch sees him to the door]. + +PORTER [to Tánya] Do tell your mistress! Am I to spend the night here? + +TÁNYA. Wait a little; she's going to drive out with the young lady, so +she'll soon be coming downstairs. [Exit]. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [comes up to the Peasants, who bow and offer him their +presents] That's not necessary! + +FIRST PEASANT [smiling] Oh, but this-here is our first duty, it is! It's +also the Commune's orders that we should do it! + +SECOND PEASANT. That's always been the proper way. + +THIRD PEASANT. Say no more about it! 'Cause as we are much satisfied.... +As our parents, let's say, served, let's say, your parents, so we would +like the same with all our hearts ... and not just anyhow! [Bows]. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. But what is it about? What do you want? + +FIRST PEASANT. It's to your honour we've come ... + + Enter Petrístchef briskly, in fur-lined overcoat. + +PETRÍSTCHEF. Is Vasíly Leoníditch awake yet? [Seeing Leoníd Fyódoritch, +bows, moving only his head]. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. You have come to see my son? + +PETRÍSTCHEF. I? Yes, just to see Vovo for a moment. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Step in, step in. + + Petrístchef takes off his overcoat and walks in briskly. Exit. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [to Peasants] Well, what is it you want? + +SECOND PEASANT. Please accept our presents! + +FIRST PEASANT [smiling] That's to say, the peasants' offerings. + +THIRD PEASANT. Say no more about it; what's the good? We wish you the +same as if you were our own father! Say no more about it! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. All right. Here, Theodore, take these. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH [to Peasants] Give them here. [Takes the presents]. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, what is the business? + +FIRST PEASANT. We've come to your honour ... + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I see you have; but what do you want? + +FIRST PEASANT. It's about making a move towards completing the sale of +the land. It comes to this ... + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Do you mean to buy the land? + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. It comes to this ... I mean the buying of +the property of the land. The Commune has given us, let's say, the power +of atturning, to enter, let's say, as is lawful, through the Government +bank, with a stamp for the lawful amount. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. You mean that you want to buy the land through the +land-bank. + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. Just as you offered it to us last year. +It comes to this, then, the whole sum in full for the buying of the +property of the land is 32,864 roubles. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. That's all right, but how about paying up? + +FIRST PEASANT. As to the payment, the Commune offers just as it was said +last year--to pay in 'stalments, and your receipt of the ready money by +lawful regulations, 4000 roubles in full.[2] + + [2] The present value of the rouble is rather over two shillings and + one penny. + +SECOND PEASANT. Take 4000 now, and wait for the rest of the money. + +THIRD PEASANT [unwrapping a parcel of money] And about this be quite +easy. We should pawn our own selves rather than do such a thing just +anyhow say, but in this way, let's say, as it ought to be done. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. But did I not write and tell you that I should not +agree to it unless you brought the whole sum? + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. It would be more agreeable, but it is not +in our possibilities, I mean. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well then, the thing can't be done! + +FIRST PEASANT. The Commune, for example, relied its hopes on that, that +you made the offer last year to sell it in easy 'stalments ... + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. That was last year. I would have agreed to it then, +but now I can't. + +SECOND PEASANT. But how's that? We've been depending on your +promise--we've got the papers ready and have collected the money! + +THIRD PEASANT. Be merciful, master! We're short of land; we'll say +nothing about cattle, but even a hen, let's say, we've no room to keep. +[Bows] Don't wrong us, master! [Bows]. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Of course it's quite true, that I agreed last year to +let you have the land for payment by instalments, but now circumstances +are such that it would be inconvenient. + +SECOND PEASANT. Without this land we cannot live! + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. Without land our lives must grow weaker +and come to a decline. + +THIRD PEASANT [bowing] Master, we have so little land, let's not talk +about the cattle, but even a chicken, let's say, we've no room for. +Master, be merciful, accept the money, master! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [examining the document] I quite understand, and +should like to help you. Wait a little; I will give you an answer in +half-an-hour.... Theodore, say I am engaged and am not to be disturbed. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes, sir. [Exit Leoníd Fyódoritch]. + + The Peasants look dejected. + +SECOND PEASANT. Here's a go! "Give me the whole sum," he says. And where +are we to get it from? + +FIRST PEASANT. If he had not given us hopes, for example. As it is we +felt quite insured it would be as was said last year. + +THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord! and I had begun unwrapping the money. [Begins +wrapping up the bundle of bank-notes again] What are we to do now? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What is your business, then? + +FIRST PEASANT. Our business, respected sir, depends in this. Last year +he made us the offer of our buying the land in 'stalments. The Commune +entered upon these terms and gave us the powers of atturning, and now +d'you see he makes the offering that we should pay the whole in full! +And as it turns out, the business is no ways convenient for us. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What is the whole sum? + +FIRST PEASANT. The whole sum in readiness is 4000 roubles, you see. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, what of that? Make an effort and collect more. + +FIRST PEASANT. Such as it is, it was collected with much effort. We +have, so to say, in this sense, not got ammunition enough. + +SECOND PEASANT. You can't get blood out of a stone. + +THIRD PEASANT. We'd be glad with all our hearts, but we have swept even +this together, as you might say, with a broom. + + Vasíly Leoníditch and Petrístchef appear in the doorway both smoking + cigarettes. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. I have told you already I'll do my best, so of +course I will do all that is possible! Eh, what? + +PETRÍSTCHEF. You must just understand that if you do not get it, the +devil only knows what a mess we shall be in! + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. But I've already said I'll do my best, and so I will. +Eh, what? + +PETRÍSTCHEF. Nothing. I only say, get some at any cost. I will wait. + + Exit into Vasíly Leoníditch's room, closing door. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [waving his arm] It's a deuce of a go! [The Peasants +bow]. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [looking at Porter, to Theodore Ivánitch] Why don't +you attend to this fellow from Bourdier? He hasn't come to take lodgings +with us, has he? Just look, he is asleep! Eh, what? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. The note he brought has been sent in, and he has been +told to wait until Anna Pávlovna comes down. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [looks at Peasants and notices the money] And what is +this? Money? For whom? Is it for us? [To Theodore Ivánitch] Who are +they? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. They are peasants from Koursk. They are buying land. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Has it been sold them? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. No, they have not yet come to any agreement. They are +too stingy. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Eh? Well, we must try and persuade them. [To the +Peasants] Here, I say, are you buying land? Eh? + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. We have made an offering as how we should +like to acquire the possession of the land. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Then you should not be so stingy, you know. Just let +me tell you how necessary land is to peasants! Eh, what? It's very +necessary, isn't it? + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. The land appears as the very first and +foremost necessity to a peasant. That's just it. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Then why be so stingy? Just you think what land is! +Why, one can sow wheat on it in rows! I tell you, you could get eighty +bushels of wheat, at a rouble and a half a bushel--that would be 120 +roubles. Eh, what? Or else mint! I tell you, you could collar 400 +roubles off an acre by sowing mint! + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. All sorts of producks one could put into +action if one had the right understanding. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Mint! Decidedly mint! I have learnt about it, you +know. It's all printed in books. I can show them you. Eh, what? + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just it, all concerns are clearer to you through +your books. That's learnedness, of course. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Then pay up and don't be stingy. [To Theodore +Ivánitch] Where's papa? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. He gave orders not to be disturbed just now. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Oh, I suppose he's consulting a spirit whether to +sell the land or not? Eh, what? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I can't say. All I know is that he went away +undecided about it. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. What d'you think, Theodore Ivánitch, is he flush of +cash? Eh, what? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I don't know. I hardly think so. But what does it +matter to you? You drew a good sum not more than a week ago. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. But didn't I pay for those dogs? And now, you know, +there's our new Society, and Petrístchef has been chosen, and I had +borrowed money from Petrístchef and must pay the subscription both for +him and for myself. Eh, what? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. And what is this new Society? A Cycling Club? + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. No. Just let me tell you. It is quite a new Society. +It is a very serious Society, you know. And who do you think is +President? Eh, what? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What's the object of this new Society? + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. It is a "Society to Promote the Breeding of Pure-bred +Russian Hounds." Eh, what? And I'll tell you, they're having the first +meeting and a lunch, to-day. And I've no money. I'll go to him and have +a try! [Exit through study door]. + +FIRST PEASANT [to Theodore Ivánitch] And who might he be, respected sir? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH [smiles] The young master. + +THIRD PEASANT. The heir, so to say. Oh Lord! [puts away the money] I'd +better hide it meanwhile. + +FIRST PEASANT. And we were told he was in military service, in the +cav'rely, for example. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. No, as an only son he is exempt from military +service. + +THIRD PEASANT. Left for to keep his parents, so to say! That's right! + +SECOND PEASANT [shaking his head] He's the right sort. He'll feed them +finely! + +THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord! + + Enter Vasíly Leoníditch followed by Leoníd Fyódoritch. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. That's always the way. It's really surprising! First +I'm asked why I have no occupation, and now when I have found a field +and am occupied, when a Society with serious and noble aims has been +founded, I can't even have 300 roubles to go on with!... + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I tell you I can't do it, and I can't! I haven't got +it. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Why, you have just sold some land. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. In the first place I have not sold it! And above all, +do leave me in peace! Weren't you told I was engaged? [Exit, slamming +door]. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I told you this was not the right moment. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Well, I say! Here's a position to be in! I'll go and +see mamma--that's my only hope. He's going crazy over his spiritualism +and forgets everything else. [Goes upstairs]. + + Theodore Ivánitch takes newspaper and is just going to sit down, + when Betsy and Márya Konstantínovna, followed by Gregory, come down + the stairs. + +BETSY. Is the carriage ready? + +GREGORY. Just coming to the door. + +BETSY [to Márya Konstantínovna] Come along, come along, I know it is he. + +MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. Which he? + +BETSY. You know very well whom I mean--Petrístchef, of course. + +MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. But where is he? + +BETSY. Sitting in Vovo's room. You'll see! + +MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. And suppose it is not he? [The Peasants and Porter +bow]. + +BETSY [to Porter] You brought a dress from Bourdier's? + +PORTER. Yes, Miss. May I go? + +BETSY. Well, I don't know. Ask my mother. + +PORTER. I don't know whose it is, Miss; I was ordered to bring it here +and receive the money. + +BETSY. Well then, wait. + +MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. Is it still that costume for the charade? + +BETSY. Yes, a charming costume. But mamma won't take it or pay for it. + +MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. But why not? + +BETSY. You'd better ask mamma. She doesn't grudge Vovo 500 roubles for +his dogs, but 100 is too much for a dress. I can't act dressed like a +scarecrow. [Pointing to Peasants] And who are these? + +GREGORY. Peasants who have come to buy some land or other. + +BETSY. And I thought they were the beaters. Are you not beaters? + +FIRST PEASANT. No, no, lady. We have come to see Leoníd Fyódoritch about +the signing into our possession of the title-deeds to some land. + +BETSY. Then how is it? Vovo was expecting some beaters who were to come +to-day. Are you sure you are not the beaters? [The Peasants are silent] +How stupid they are! [Goes to Vasíly Leoníditch's door] Vovo? [Laughs]. + +MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. But we met him just now upstairs! + +BETSY. Why need you remember that? Vovo, are you there? + + Petrístchef enters. + +PETRÍSTCHEF. Vovo is not here, but I am prepared to fulfil on his behalf +anything that may be required. How do you do? How do you do, Márya +Konstantínovna? [Shakes hands long and violently with Betsy, and then +with Márya Konstantínovna]. + +SECOND PEASANT. See, it's as if he were pumping water! + +BETSY. You can't replace him,--still you're better than nobody. [Laughs] +What are these affairs of yours with Vovo? + +PETRÍSTCHEF. What affairs? Our affairs are fie-nancial, that is, our +business is fie! It's also nancial, and besides it is financial. + +BETSY. What does nancial mean? + +PETRÍSTCHEF. What a question! It means nothing, that's just the point. + +BETSY. No, no, you have missed fire. [Laughs]. + +PETRÍSTCHEF. One can't always hit the mark, you know. It's something +like a lottery. Blanks and blanks again, and at last you win! [Theodore +Ivánitch goes into the study]. + +BETSY. Well, this was blank then; but tell me, were you at the +Mergásofs' last night? + +PETRÍSTCHEF. Not exactly at the _Mère_ Gásof's, but rather at the _Père_ +Gásof's, or better still, at the _Fils_ Gásof's. + +BETSY. You can't do without puns. It's an illness. And were the Gypsies +there?[3] [Laughs]. + + [3] The Gypsy choirs are very popular in Moscow. + +PETRÍSTCHEF [sings] "On their aprons silken threads, little birds with +golden heads!" ... + +BETSY. Happy mortals! And we were yawning at Fofo's. + +PETRÍSTCHEF [continues to sing] "And she promised and she swore, She +would ope' her ... her ... her ..." how does it go on, Márya +Konstantínovna? + +MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. "Closet door." + +PETRÍSTCHEF. How? What? How, Márya Konstantínovna? + +BETSY. _Cessez, vous devenez impossible!_[4] + + [4] BETSY. Cease! You are becoming quite unbearable! + +PETRÍSTCHEF. _J'ai cessé, j'ai bébé, j'ai dédé...._[5] + + [5] PETRÍSTCHEF. I have C said (_ceased_), B said, and D said. + +BETSY. I see the only way to rid ourselves of your wit is to make you +sing! Let us go into Vovo's room, his guitar is there. Come, Márya +Konstantínovna, come! [Exeunt Betsy, Márya Konstantínovna, and +Petrístchef]. + +FIRST PEASANT. Who be they? + +GREGORY. One is our young lady, the other is a girl who teaches her +music. + +FIRST PEASANT. Administrates learning, so to say. And ain't she smart? A +reg'lar picture! + +SECOND PEASANT. Why don't they marry her? She is old enough, I should +say. + +GREGORY. Do you think it's the same as among you peasants,--marry at +fifteen? + +FIRST PEASANT. And that man, for example, is he also in the musitional +line? + +GREGORY [mimicking him] "Musitional" indeed! You don't understand +anything! + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. And stupidity, one might say, is our +ignorance. + +THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord! [Gipsy songs and guitar accompaniment are heard +from Vasíly Leoníditch's room]. + + Enter Simon, followed by Tánya, who watches the meeting between + father and son. + +GREGORY [to Simon] What do you want? + +SIMON. I have been to Mr. Kaptchítch. + +GREGORY. Well, and what's the answer? + +SIMON. He sent word he couldn't possibly come to-night. + +GREGORY. All right, I'll let them know. [Exit]. + +SIMON [to his father] How d'you do, father! My respects to Daddy Efím +and Daddy Mítry! How are all at home? + +SECOND PEASANT. Very well, Simon. + +FIRST PEASANT. How d'you do, lad? + +THIRD PEASANT. How d'you do, sonny? + +SIMON [smiles] Well, come along, father, and have some tea. + +SECOND PEASANT. Wait till we've finished our business. Don't you see we +are not ready yet? + +SIMON. Well, I'll wait for you by the porch. [Wishes to go away]. + +TÁNYA [running after him] I say, why didn't you tell him anything? + +SIMON. How could I before all those people? Give me time, I'll tell him +over our tea. [Exit]. + + Theodore Ivánitch enters and sits down by the window. + +FIRST PEASANT. Respected sir, how's our business proceeding? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Wait a bit, he'll be out presently, he's just +finishing. + +TÁNYA [to Theodore Ivánitch] And how do you know, Theodore Ivánitch, he +is finishing? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I know that when he has finished questioning, he +reads the question and answer aloud. + +TÁNYA. Can one really talk with spirits by means of a saucer? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. It seems so. + +TÁNYA. But supposing they tell him to sign, will he sign? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Of course he will. + +TÁNYA. But they do not speak with words? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Oh, yes. By means of the alphabet. He notices at +which letter the saucer stops. + +TÁNYA. Yes, but at a si-ance?... + + Enter Leoníd Fyódoritch. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, friends, I can't do it! I should be very glad +to, but it is quite impossible. If it were for ready money it would be a +different matter. + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. What more could any one desire? But the +people are so inpennycuous--it is quite impossible! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, I can't do it, I really can't. Here is your +document; I can't sign it. + +THIRD PEASANT. Show some pity, master; be merciful! + +SECOND PEASANT. How can you act so? It is doing us a wrong. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Nothing wrong about it, friends. I offered it you in +summer, but then you did not agree; and now I can't agree to it. + +THIRD PEASANT. Master, be merciful! How are we to get along? We have so +little land. We'll say nothing about the cattle; a hen, let's say, +there's no room to let a hen run about. + + Leoníd Fyódoritch goes up to the door and stops. Enter, descending + the staircase, Anna Pávlovna and doctor, followed by Vasíly + Leoníditch, who is in a merry and playful mood and is putting some + bank-notes into his purse. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA [tightly laced, and wearing a bonnet] Then I am to take +it? + +DOCTOR. If the symptoms recur you must certainly take it, but above all, +you must behave better. How can you expect thick syrup to pass through a +thin little hair tube, especially when we squeeze the tube? It's +impossible; and so it is with the biliary duct. It's simple enough. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. All right, all right! + +DOCTOR. Yes, "All right, all right," and you go on in the same old way. +It won't do, madam--it won't do. Well, good-bye! + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. No, not good-bye, only _au revoir_! For I still expect +you to-night. I shall not be able to make up my mind without you. + +DOCTOR. All right, if I have time I'll pop in. [Exit]. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA [noticing the Peasants] What's this? What? What people are +these? [Peasants bow]. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. These are peasants from Koursk, come to see Leoníd +Fyódoritch about the sale of some land. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I see they are peasants, but who let them in? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Leoníd Fyódoritch gave the order. He has just been +speaking to them about the sale of the land. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What sale? There is no need to sell any. But above all, +how can one let in people from the street into the house? One can't let +people in from the street! One can't let people into the house who have +spent the night heaven knows where!... [Getting more and more excited] I +daresay every fold of their clothes is full of microbes--of +scarlet-fever microbes, of smallpox microbes, of diphtheria microbes! +Why, they are from Koursk Government, where there is an epidemic of +diphtheria ... Doctor! Doctor! Call the doctor back! + + Leoníd Fyódoritch goes into his room and shuts the door. Gregory + goes to recall the Doctor. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [smokes at the Peasants] Never mind, mamma; if you +like I'll fumigate them so that all the microbes will go to pot! Eh, +what? + + Anna Pávlovna remains severely silent, awaiting the Doctor's return. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [to Peasants] And do you fatten pigs? There's a +first-rate business! + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. We do go in for the pig-fattening line +now and then. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. This kind?... [Grunts like a pig]. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Vovo, Vovo, leave off! + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Isn't it like? Eh, what? + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. It's very resemblant. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Vovo, leave off, I tell you! + +SECOND PEASANT. What's it all about? + +THIRD PEASANT. I said, we'd better go to some lodging meanwhile! + + Enter Doctor and Gregory. + +DOCTOR. What's the matter? What's happened? + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Why, you're always saying I must not get excited. Now, +how is it possible to keep calm? I do not see my own sister for two +months, and am careful about any doubtful visitor--and here are people +from Koursk, straight from Koursk, where there is an epidemic of +diphtheria, right in my house! + +DOCTOR. These good fellows you mean, I suppose? + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Of course. Straight from a diphtheric place! + +DOCTOR. Well, of course, if they come from an infected place it is rash; +but still there is no reason to excite yourself so much about it. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. But don't you yourself advise carefulness? + +DOCTOR. Of course, of course. Still, why excite yourself? + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. How can I help it? Now we shall have to have the house +completely disinfected. + +DOCTOR. Oh no! Why completely? That would cost 300 roubles or more. +I'll arrange it cheaply and well for you. Take, to a large bottle of +water ... + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Boiled? + +DOCTOR. It's all the same. Boiled would be better. To one bottle of +water take a tablespoon of salicylic acid, and have everything they have +come in contact with washed with the solution. As to the fellows +themselves, they must be off, of course. That's all. Then you're quite +safe. And it would do no harm to sprinkle some of the same solution +through a spray--two or three tumblers--you'll see how well it will act. +No danger whatever! + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Tánya! Where is Tánya? + + Enter Tánya. + +TÁNYA. Did you call, M'm? + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. You know that big bottle in my dressing-room? + +TÁNYA. Out of which we sprinkled the laundress yesterday? + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Well, of course! What other bottle could I mean? Well +then, take that bottle and first wash with soap the place where they +have been standing, and then with ... + +TÁNYA. Yes, M'm; I know how. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. And then take the spray ... However, I had better do that +myself when I get back. + +DOCTOR. Well then, do so, and don't be afraid! Well, _au revoir_ till +this evening. [Exit]. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. And they must be off! Not a trace of them must remain! +Get out, get out! Go--what are you looking at? + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. It's because of our stupidity, as we were +instructed ... + +GREGORY [pushes the Peasants out] There, there; be off! + +SECOND PEASANT. Let me have my handkerchief back! [The handkerchief in +which the presents were wrapped]. + +THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord, oh Lord! didn't I say--some lodging-house +meanwhile! + + Gregory pushes him out. Exeunt Peasants. + +PORTER [who has repeatedly tried to say something] Will there be any +answer? + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Ah, from Bourdier? [Excitedly] None! None! You can take +it back. I told her I never ordered such a costume, and I will not allow +my daughter to wear it! + +PORTER. I know nothing about it. I was sent ... + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Go, go, take it back! I will call myself about it! + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [solemnly] Sir Messenger from Bourdier, depart! + +PORTER. I might have been told that long ago. I have sat here nearly +five hours! + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Ambassador from Bourdier, begone! + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Cease, please! + + Exit Porter. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Betsy! Where is she? I always have to wait for her. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [shouting at the top of his voice] Betsy! Petrístchef! +Come quick, quick, quick! Eh? What? + + Enter Petrístchef, Betsy, and Márya Konstantínovna. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. You always keep one waiting! + +BETSY. On the contrary, I was waiting for you! + + Petrístchef bows with his head only, then kisses Anna Pávlovna's + hand. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. How d'you do! [To Betsy] You always have an answer ready! + +BETSY. If you are upset, mamma, I had better not go. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Are we going or not? + +BETSY. Well, let us go; it can't be helped. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Did you see the man from Bourdier? + +BETSY. Yes, and I was very glad. I ordered the costume, and am going to +wear it when it is paid for. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I am not going to pay for a costume that is indecent! + +BETSY. Why has it become indecent? First it was decent, and now you have +a fit of prudery. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Not prudery at all! If the bodice were completely +altered, then it would do. + +BETSY. Mamma, that is quite impossible. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Well, get dressed. [They sit down. Gregory puts on their +over-shoes for them]. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Márya Konstantínovna, do you notice a vacuum in the +hall? + +MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. What is it? [Laughs in anticipation]. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Bourdier's man has gone! Eh, what? Good, eh? [Laughs +loudly]. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Well, let us go. [Goes out of the door, but returns at +once] Tánya! + +TÁNYA. Yes, M'm? + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Don't let Frisk catch cold while I am away. If she wants +to be let out, put on her little yellow cloak. She is not quite well +to-day. + +TÁNYA. Yes, M'm. + + Exeunt Anna Pávlovna, Betsy, and Gregory. + +PETRÍSTCHEF. Well, have you got it? + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Not without trouble, I can tell you! First I rushed +at the gov'nor; he began to bellow and turned me out. Off to the +mater--I got it out of her. It's here! [Slaps his breast pocket] If once +I make up my mind, there's no getting away from me. I have a deadly +grip! Eh, what? And d'you know, my wolf-hounds are coming to-day. + + Petrístchef and Vasíly Leoníditch put on their outdoor things and go + out. Tánya follows. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH [alone] Yes, nothing but unpleasantness. How is it +they can't live in peace? But one must say the new generation are +not--the thing. And as to the women's dominion!... Why, Leoníd +Fyódoritch just now was going to put in a word, but seeing what a frenzy +she was in--slammed the door behind him. He is a wonderfully +kind-hearted man. Yes, wonderfully kind. What's this? Here's Tánya +bringing them back again! + +TÁNYA. Come in, come in, grand-dads, never mind! + + Enter Tánya and the Peasants. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Why have you brought them back? + +TÁNYA. Well, Theodore Ivánitch, we must do something about their +business. I shall have to wash the place anyhow. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. But the business will not come off, I see that +already. + +FIRST PEASANT. How could we best put our affair into action, respected +sir? Your reverence might take a little trouble over it, and we should +give you full thankings from the Commune for your trouble. + +THIRD PEASANT. Do try, honey! We can't live! We have so little land. +Talk of cattle--why, we have no room to keep a hen! [They bow]. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I am sorry for you, friends, but I can't think of any +way to help you. I understand your case very well, but he has refused. +So what can one do? Besides, the lady is also against it. Well, give me +your papers--I'll try and see what I can do, but I hardly hope to +succeed. [Exit]. + + Tánya and the three Peasants sigh. + +TÁNYA. But tell me, grand-dads, what is it that is wanted? + +FIRST PEASANT. Why, only that he should put his signature to our +document. + +TÁNYA. That the master should sign? Is that all? + +FIRST PEASANT. Yes, only lay his signature on the deed and take the +money, and there would be an end of the matter. + +THIRD PEASANT. He only has to write and sign, as the peasants, let's +say, desire, so, let's say, I also desire. That's the whole affair--if +he'd only take it and sign it, it's all done. + +TÁNYA [considering] He need only sign the paper and it's done? + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. The whole matter is in dependence on +that, and nothing else. Let him sign, and we ask no more. + +TÁNYA. Just wait and see what Theodore Ivánitch will say. If he cannot +persuade the master, I'll try something. + +FIRST PEASANT. Get round him, will you? + +TÁNYA. I'll try. + +THIRD PEASANT. Ay, the lass is going to bestir herself. Only get the +thing settled, and the Commune will bind itself to keep you all your +life. See there, now! + +FIRST PEASANT. If the affair can be put into action, truly we might put +her in a gold frame. + +SECOND PEASANT. That goes without saying! + +TÁNYA. I can't promise for certain, but as the saying is: "An attempt is +no sin, if you try ..." + +FIRST PEASANT. "You may win." That's just so. + + Enter Theodore Ivánitch. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. No, friends, it's no go! He has not done it, and he +won't do it. Here, take your document. You may go. + +FIRST PEASANT [gives Tánya the paper] Then it's on you we pin all our +reliance, for example. + +TÁNYA. Yes, yes! You go into the street, and I'll run out to you in a +minute and have a word with you. + + Exeunt Peasants. + +TÁNYA. Theodore Ivánitch, dear Theodore Ivánitch, ask the master to come +out and speak to me for a moment. I have something to say to him. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What next? + +TÁNYA. I must, Theodore Ivánitch. Ask him, do; there's nothing wrong +about it, on my sacred word. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. But what do you want with him? + +TÁNYA. That's a little secret. I will tell you later on, only ask him. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH [smiling] I can't think what you are up to! All right, +I'll go and ask him. [Exit]. + +TÁNYA. I'll do it! Didn't he say himself that there is that power in +Simon? And I know how to manage. No one found me out that time, and now +I'll teach Simon what to do. If it doesn't succeed it's no great matter. +After all it's not a sin. + + Enter Leoníd Fyódoritch followed by Theodore Ivánitch. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [smiling] Is this the petitioner? Well, what is your +business? + +TÁNYA. It's a little secret, Leoníd Fyódoritch; let me tell it you +alone. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. What is it? Theodore, leave us for a minute. + + Exit Theodore Ivánitch. + +TÁNYA. As I have grown up and lived in your house, Leoníd Fyódoritch, +and as I am very grateful to you for everything, I shall open my heart +to you as to a father. Simon, who is living in your house, wants to +marry me. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. So that's it! + +TÁNYA. I open my heart to you as to a father! I have no one to advise +me, being an orphan. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, and why not? He seems a nice lad. + +TÁNYA. Yes, that's true. He would be all right; there is only one thing +I have my doubts about. It's something about him that I have noticed and +can't make out ... perhaps it is something bad. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. What is it? Does he drink? + +TÁNYA. God forbid! But since I know that there is such a thing as +spiritalism ... + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Ah, you know that? + +TÁNYA. Of course! I understand it very well. Some, of course, through +ignorance, don't understand it. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, what then? + +TÁNYA. I am very much afraid for Simon. It does happen to him. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. What happens to him? + +TÁNYA. Something of a kind like spiritalism. You ask any of the +servants. As soon as he gets drowsy at the table, the table begins to +tremble, and creak like that: _tuke, ... tuke_! All the servants have +heard it. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Why, it's the very thing I was saying to Sergéy +Ivánitch this morning! Yes?... + +TÁNYA. Or else ... when was it?... Oh yes, last Wednesday. We sat down +to dinner, and the spoon just jumps into his hand of itself! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Ah, that is interesting! Jumps into his hand? When he +was drowsing? + +TÁNYA. That I didn't notice. I think he was, though. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes?... + +TÁNYA. And that's what I'm afraid of, and what I wanted to ask you +about. May not some harm come of it? To live one's life together, and +him having such a thing in him! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [smiling] No, you need not be afraid, there is nothing +bad in that. It only proves him to be a _medium_--simply a medium. I +knew him to be a medium before this. + +TÁNYA. So that's what it is! And I was afraid! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. No, there's nothing to be afraid of. [Aside]. That's +capital! Kaptchítch can't come, so we will test him to-night.... [To +Tánya] No, my dear, don't be afraid, he will be a good husband and ... +that is only a kind of special power, and every one has it, only in some +it is weaker and in others stronger. + +TÁNYA. Thank you, sir. Now I shan't think any more about it; but I was +so frightened.... What a thing it is, our want of education! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. No, no, don't be frightened... Theodore! + + Enter Theodore Ivánitch. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I am going out now. Get everything ready for +to-night's séance. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. But Mr. Kaptchítch is not coming. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. That does not matter. [Puts on overcoat] We shall +have a trial séance with our own medium. [Exit. Theodore Ivánitch goes +out with him]. + +TÁNYA [alone] He believes it! He believes it! [Shrieks and jumps with +joy] He really believes it! Isn't it wonderful! [Shrieks] Now I'll do +it, if only Simon has pluck for it! + + Theodore Ivánitch returns. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, have you told him your secret? + +TÁNYA. I'll tell you too, only later on.... But I have a favour to ask +of you too, Theodore Ivánitch. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes? What is it? + +TÁNYA [shyly] You have been a second father to me, and I will open my +heart before you as before God. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Don't beat about the bush, but come straight to the +point. + +TÁNYA. The point is ... well, the point is, that Simon wants to marry +me. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Is that it? I thought I noticed ... + +TÁNYA. Well, why should I hide it? I am an orphan, and you know yourself +how matters are in these town establishments. Every one comes bothering; +there's that Gregory Miháylitch, for instance, he gives me no peace. And +also that other one ... you know. They think I have no soul, and am only +here for their amusement. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Good girl, that's right! Well, what then? + +TÁNYA. Well, Simon wrote to his father; and he, his father, sees me +to-day, and says: "He's spoilt"--he means his son. Theodore Ivánitch +[bows], take the place of a father to me, speak to the old man,--to +Simon's father! I could take them into the kitchen, and you might come +in and speak to the old man! + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH [smiling] Then I am to turn match-maker--am I? Well, I +can do that. + +TÁNYA. Theodore Ivánitch, dearest, be a father to me, and I'll pray for +you all my life long. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. All right, all right, I'll come later on. Haven't I +promised? [Takes up newspaper]. + +TÁNYA. You are a second father to me! + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. All right, all right. + +TÁNYA. Then I'll rely on you. [Exit]. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH [alone, shaking his head] A good affectionate girl. To +think that so many like her perish! Get but once into trouble and she'll +go from hand to hand until she sinks into the mire, and can never be +found again! There was that dear little Nataly. She, too, was a good +girl, reared and cared for by a mother. [Takes up paper] Well, let's see +what tricks Ferdinand is up to in Bulgaria. + + + Curtain. + + + + +ACT II + + Evening of the same day. The scene represents the interior of the + servants' kitchen. The Peasants have taken off their outer garments + and sit drinking tea at the table, and perspiring. Theodore Ivánitch + is smoking a cigar at the other side of the stage. The discharged + Cook is lying on the brick oven, and is unseen during the early part + of the scene. + + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. My advice is, don't hinder him! If it's his wish and +hers, in Heaven's name let him do it. She is a good, honest girl. Never +mind her being a bit dressy; she can't help that, living in town: she is +a good girl all the same. + +SECOND PEASANT. Well, of course, if it is his wish, let him! _He'll_ +have to live with her, not me. But she's certainly uncommon spruce. +How's one to take her into one's hut? Why, she'll not let her +mother-in-law so much as pat her on the head. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. That does not depend on the spruceness, but on +character. If her nature is good, she's sure to be docile and +respectful. + +SECOND PEASANT. Ah, well, we'll have her if the lad's bent on having +her. After all, it's a bad job to live with one as one don't care for. +I'll consult my missus, and then may Heaven bless them! + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Then let's shake hands on it! + +SECOND PEASANT. Well, it seems it will have to come off. + +FIRST PEASANT. Eh, Zachary! fortune's a-smiling on you! You've come to +accomplish a piece of business, and just see what a duchess of a +daughter-in-law you've obtained. All that's left to be done is to have +a drink on it, and then it will be all in order. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. That's not at all necessary. [An awkward silence]. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I know something of your way of life too, you know. I +am even thinking of purchasing a bit of land, building a cottage, and +working on the land myself somewhere: maybe in your neighbourhood. + +SECOND PEASANT. A very good thing too. + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. When one has got the money one can get +all kinds of pleasure in the country. + +THIRD PEASANT. Say no more about it! Country life, let's say, is freer +in every way, not like the town! + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. There now, would you let me join your Commune if I +settled among you? + +SECOND PEASANT. Why not? If you stand drink for the Elders, they'll +accept you soon enough! + +FIRST PEASANT. And if you open a public-house, for example, or an inn, +why, you'd have such a life you'd never need to die! You might live like +a king, and no mistake. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, we'll see. I should certainly like to have a +few quiet years in my old age. Though my life here is good enough, and I +should be sorry to leave. Leoníd Fyódoritch is an exceedingly +kind-hearted man. + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. But how about our business? Is it +possible that he is going to leave it without any termination? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. He'd do it willingly. + +SECOND PEASANT. It seems he's afraid of his wife. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. It's not that he's afraid, but they don't hit things +off together. + +THIRD PEASANT. But you should try, father! How are we to live else? +We've so little land ... + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. We'll see what comes of Tánya's attempt. She's taken +the business into her hands now! + +THIRD PEASANT [takes a sip of tea] Father, be merciful. We've so little +land. A hen, let's say, we've no room for a hen, let alone the cattle. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. If the business depended on me.... [To Second +Peasant] Well, friend, so we've done our bit of match-making! It's +agreed then about Tánya? + +SECOND PEASANT. I've given my word, and I'll not go back on it without a +good reason. If only our business succeeds! + + Enter Servants' Cook who looks up at the oven, makes a sign, and + then begins to speak animatedly to Theodore Ivánitch. + +SERVANTS' COOK. Just now Simon was called upstairs from the front +kitchen! The master and that other bald-headed one who calls up spirits +with him, ordered him to sit down and take the place of Kaptchítch! + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. You don't say so! + +SERVANTS' COOK. Yes, Jacob told Tánya. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Extraordinary! + + Enter Coachman. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What do you want? + +COACHMAN [to Theodore Ivánitch] You may just tell them I never agreed to +live with a lot of dogs! Let any one who likes do it, but I will never +agree to live among dogs! + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What dogs? + +COACHMAN. Three dogs have been sent into our room by Vasíly Leoníditch! +They've messed it all over. They're whining, and if one comes near them +they bite--the devils! They'd tear you to pieces if you didn't mind. +I've a good mind to take a club and smash their legs for them! + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. But when did they come? + +COACHMAN. Why, to-day, from the Dog Show; the devil knows what kind they +are, but they're an expensive sort. Are we or the dogs to live in the +coachmen's quarters? You just go and ask! + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes, that will never do. I'll go and ask about it. + +COACHMAN. They'd better be brought here to Loukérya. + +SERVANTS' COOK [angrily] People have to eat here, and you'd like to lock +dogs in here! As it is ... + +COACHMAN. And I've got the liveries, and the sledge-covers and the +harness there, and they expect things kept clean! Perhaps the porter's +lodge might do. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I must ask Vasíly Leoníditch. + +COACHMAN [angrily] He'd better hang the brutes round his neck and lug +them about with him! But no fear: he'd rather ride on horseback himself. +It's he as spoilt Beauty without rhyme or reason. That was a horse!... +Oh dear! what a life! [Exit, slamming door]. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. That's not right! Certainly not right! [To Peasants] +Well then, it's time we were saying good-bye, friends. + +PEASANTS. Good-bye! + + Exit Theodore Ivánitch. + + As soon as he is gone a sound of groaning is heard from the top of + the oven. + +SECOND PEASANT. He's sleek, that one; looks like a general. + +SERVANTS' COOK. Rather! Why, he has a room all to himself; he gets his +washing, his tea and sugar, and food from the master's table. + +DISCHARGED COOK [on the oven]. Why shouldn't the old beggar live well? +He's lined his pockets all right! + +SECOND PEASANT. Who's that up there, on the oven? + +SERVANTS' COOK. Oh, it's only a man. + + Silence. + +FIRST PEASANT. Well, and you too, as I noticed a while since when you +were supping, have capital food to eat. + +SERVANTS' COOK. We can't complain. She's not mean about the food. We +have wheat bread every Sunday, and fish when a holiday happens to be a +fast-day too, and those who like may eat meat. + +SECOND PEASANT. And does any one tuck into flesh on fast-days? + +SERVANTS' COOK. Oh, they nearly all do! Only the old coachman--not the +one who was here just now but the old one--and Simon, and I and the +housekeeper, fast--all the others eat meat. + +SECOND PEASANT. And the master himself? + +SERVANTS' COOK. Catch him! Why, I bet he's forgotten there is such a +thing as fasting! + +THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord! + +FIRST PEASANT. That's the gentlefolks' way: they have got it all out of +their books. 'Cos of their intelex! + +THIRD PEASANT. Shouldn't wonder if they feed on wheat bread every day! + +SERVANTS' COOK. Wheat bread indeed! Much they think of wheat bread! You +should see what food they eat. No end of different things! + +FIRST PEASANT. In course gentlefolks' food is of an airial kind. + +SERVANTS' COOK. Airial, of course, but all the same they're good at +stuffing themselves, they are! + +FIRST PEASANT. Have healthy appekites, so to say. + +SERVANTS' COOK. 'Cos they always rinse it down! All with sweet wines, +and spirits, and fizzy liquors. They have a different one to suit every +kind of food. They eat and rinse it down, and eat and rinse it down, +they do. + +FIRST PEASANT. And so the food's floated down in proportion, so to say. + +SERVANTS' COOK. Ah yes, they are good at stuffing! It's awful! You see, +it's not just sitting down, eating, then saying grace and going +away--they're always at it! + +SECOND PEASANT. Like pigs with their feet in the trough! [Peasants +laugh]. + +SERVANTS' COOK. As soon as, by God's grace, they have opened their eyes, +the samovár is brought in--tea, coffee, chocolate. Hardly is the second +samovár emptied, a third has to be set. Then lunch, then dinner, then +again coffee. They've hardly left off, then comes tea, and all sorts of +tit-bits and sweetmeats--there's never an end to it! They even lie in +bed and eat! + +THIRD PEASANT. There now; that's good! [Laughs]. + +FIRST AND SECOND PEASANTS. What are you about? + +THIRD PEASANT. If I could only live a single day like that! + +SECOND PEASANT. But when do they do their work? + +SERVANTS' COOK. Work indeed! What is their work? Cards and piano--that's +all their work. The young lady used to sit down to the piano as soon as +she opened her eyes, and off she'd go! And that other one who lives +here, the teacher, stands and waits. "When will the piano be free?" When +one has finished, off rattles the other, and sometimes they'd put two +pianos near one another and four of 'em would bust out at once. Bust out +in such a manner, you could hear 'em down here! + +THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord! + +SERVANTS' COOK. Well, and that's all the work they do! Piano or cards! +As soon as they have met together--cards, wine, smoking, and so on all +night long. And as soon as they are up: eating again! + + Enter Simon. + +SIMON. Hope you're enjoying your tea! + +FIRST PEASANT. Come and join us. + +SIMON [comes up to the table] Thank you kindly. [First Peasant pours out +a cup of tea for him]. + +SECOND PEASANT. Where have you been? + +SIMON. Upstairs. + +SECOND PEASANT. Well, and what was being done there? + +SIMON. Why, I couldn't make it out at all! I don't know how to explain +it. + +SECOND PEASANT. But what was it? + +SIMON. I can't explain it. They have been trying some kind of strength +in me. I can't make it out. Tánya says, "Do it, and we'll get the land +for our peasants; he'll sell it them." + +SECOND PEASANT. But how is she going to manage it? + +SIMON. I can't make it out, and she won't say. She says, "Do as I tell +you," and that's all. + +SECOND PEASANT. But what is it you have to do? + +SIMON. Nothing just now. They made me sit down, put out the lights and +told me to sleep. And Tánya had hidden herself there. They didn't see +her, but I did. + +SECOND PEASANT. Why? What for? + +SIMON. The Lord only knows--I can't make it out. + +FIRST PEASANT. Naturally it is for the distraction of time. + +SECOND PEASANT. Well, it's clear you and I can make nothing of it. You +had better tell me whether you have taken all your wages yet. + +SIMON. No, I've not drawn any. I have twenty-eight roubles to the good, +I think. + +SECOND PEASANT. That's all right! Well, if God grants that we get the +land, I'll take you home, Simon. + +SIMON. With all my heart! + +SECOND PEASANT. You've got spoilt, I should say. You'll not want to +plough? + +SIMON. Plough? Only give me the chance! Plough or mow,--I'm game. Those +are things one doesn't forget. + +FIRST PEASANT. But it don't seem very desirous after town life, for +example? Eh! + +SIMON. It's good enough for me. One can live in the country too. + +FIRST PEASANT. And Daddy Mítry here, is already on the look-out for your +place; he's hankering after a life of luckshury! + +SIMON. Eh, Daddy Mítry, you'd soon get sick of it. It seems easy enough +when one looks at it, but there's a lot of running about that takes it +out of one. + +SERVANTS' COOK. You should see one of their balls, Daddy Mítry, then you +would be surprised! + +THIRD PEASANT. Why, do they eat all the time? + +SERVANTS' COOK. My eye! You should have seen what we had here awhile +ago. Theodore Ivánitch took me upstairs and I peeped in. The +ladies--awful! Dressed up! Dressed up, bless my heart, and all bare down +to here, and their arms bare. + +THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord! + +SECOND PEASANT. Faugh! How beastly! + +FIRST PEASANT. I take it the climate allows of that sort of thing! + +SERVANTS' COOK. Well, daddy, so I peeped in. Dear me, what it was like! +All of 'em in their natural skins! Would you believe it: old women--our +mistress, only think, she's a grandmother, and even she'd gone and bared +her shoulders. + +THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord! + +SERVANTS' COOK. And what next? The music strikes up, and each man of 'em +went up to his own, catches hold of her, and off they go twirling round +and round! + +SECOND PEASANT. The old women too? + +SERVANTS' COOK. Yes, the old ones too. + +SIMON. No, the old ones sit still. + +SERVANTS' COOK. Get along,--I've seen it myself! + +SIMON. No they don't. + +DISCHARGED COOK [in a hoarse voice, looking down from the oven] That's +the Polka-Mazurka. You fools don't understand what dancing is. The way +they dance ... + +SERVANTS' COOK. Shut up, you dancer! And keep quiet--there's some one +coming. + + Enter Gregory; old Cook hides hurriedly. + +GREGORY [to Servants' Cook] Bring some sour cabbage. + +SERVANTS' COOK. I am only just up from the cellar, and now I must go +down again! Who is it for? + +GREGORY. For the young ladies. Be quick, and send it up with Simon. I +can't wait! + +SERVANTS' COOK. There now, they tuck into sweetmeats till they are full +up, and then they crave for sour cabbage! + +FIRST PEASANT. That's to make a clearance. + +SERVANTS' COOK. Of course, and as soon as there is room inside, they +begin again! [Takes basin, and exit]. + +GREGORY [at Peasants] Look at them, how they've established themselves +down here! Mind, if the mistress finds it out she'll give it you hot, +like she did this morning! [Exit, laughing]. + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just it, she did raise a storm that time--awful! + +SECOND PEASANT. That time it looked as if the master was going to step +in, but seeing that the missus was about to blow the very roof off the +house, he slams the door. Have your own way, thinks he. + +THIRD PEASANT [waving his arm] It's the same everywhere. My old woman, +let's say, she kicks up such a rumpus sometimes--it's just awful! Then I +just get out of the hut. Let her go to Jericho! She'll give you one with +the poker if you don't mind. Oh Lord! + + Jacob enters hurriedly with a prescription. + +JACOB. Here, Simon, you run to the chemist's and get these powders for +the mistress! + +SIMON. But master told me not to go out. + +JACOB. You've plenty of time; your business won't begin till after their +tea. Hope you are enjoying your tea! + +FIRST PEASANT. Thanks, come and join us. + + Exit Simon. + +JACOB. I haven't time. However, I'll just have one cup for company's +sake. + +FIRST PEASANT. And we've just been having a conversation as to how your +mistress carried on so haughty this morning. + +JACOB. Oh, she's a reg'lar fury! So hot-tempered, that she gets quite +beside herself. Sometimes she even bursts out crying. + +FIRST PEASANT. Now, there's a thing I wanted to ask you about. What, for +example, be these mikerots she was illuding to erewhile? "They've +infested the house with mikerots, with mikerots," she says. What is one +to make of these same mikerots? + +JACOB. Mikerogues, you mean! Well, it seems there is such a kind of +bugs; all illnesses come from them, they say. So she says there are some +of 'em on you. After you were gone, they washed and washed and sprinkled +the place where you had stood. There's a kind of physic as kills these +same bugs, they say. + +SECOND PEASANT. Then where have we got these bugs on us? + +JACOB [drinking his tea] Why, they say they're so small that one can't +see 'em even through a glass. + +SECOND PEASANT. Then how does she know I've got 'em on me? Perhaps +there's more of that muck on her than on me! + +JACOB. There now, you go and ask her! + +SECOND PEASANT. I believe it's humbug. + +JACOB. Of course it's bosh. The doctors must invent something, or else +what are they paid for? There's one comes to us every day. Comes,--talks +a bit,--and pockets ten roubles! + +SECOND PEASANT. Nonsense! + +JACOB. Why, there's one as takes a hundred! + +FIRST PEASANT. A hundred? Humbug! + +JACOB. A hundred. Humbug, you say? Why, if he has to go out of town, +he'll not do it for less than a thousand! "Give a thousand," he says, +"or else you may kick the bucket for what I care!" + +THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord! + +SECOND PEASANT. Then does he know some charm? + +JACOB. I suppose he must. I served at a General's outside Moscow once: a +cross, terrible proud old fellow he was--just awful. Well, this +General's daughter fell ill. They send for that doctor at once. "A +thousand roubles, then I'll come." Well, they agreed, and he came. Then +they did something or other he didn't like, and he bawled out at the +General and says, "Is this the way you show your respect for me? Then +I'll not attend her!" And, oh my! The old General forgot all his pride, +and starts wheedling him in every way not to chuck up the job! + +FIRST PEASANT. And he got the thousand? + +JACOB. Of course! + +SECOND PEASANT. That's easy got money. What wouldn't a peasant do with +such a sum! + +THIRD PEASANT. And I think it's all bosh. That time my foot was +festering I had it doctored ever so long. I spent nigh on five roubles +on it,--then I gave up doctoring, and it got all right! + + Discharged Cook on the oven coughs. + +JACOB. Ah, the old crony is here again! + +FIRST PEASANT. Who might that man be? + +JACOB. He used to be our master's cook. He comes to see Loukérya. + +FIRST PEASANT. Kitchen-master, as one might say. Then, does he live +here? + +JACOB. No, they won't allow that. He's here one day, there another. If +he's got a copper he goes to a dosshouse; but when he has drunk all, he +comes here. + +SECOND PEASANT. How did he come to this? + +JACOB. Simply grew weak. And what a man he used to be--like a gentleman! +Went about with a gold watch; got forty roubles a month wages. And now +look at him! He'd have starved to death long ago if it hadn't been for +Loukérya. + + Enter Servants' Cook with the sour cabbage. + +JACOB [to Servants' Cook] I see you've got Paul Petróvitch here again? + +SERVANTS' COOK. And where's he to go to? Is he to go and freeze? + +THIRD PEASANT. What liquor does.... Liquor, let's say ... [Clicks his +tongue sympathetically]. + +SECOND PEASANT. Of course. A firm man's firm as a rock; a weak man's +weaker than water. + +DISCHARGED COOK [gets off the oven with trembling hands and legs] +Loukérya, I say, give us a drop! + +SERVANTS' COOK. What are you up to? I'll give you such a drop!... + +DISCHARGED COOK. Have you no conscience? I'm dying! Brothers, a +copper ... + +SERVANTS' COOK. Get back on the oven, I tell you! + +DISCHARGED COOK. Half a glass only, cook, for Heaven's sake! I say, do +you understand? I ask you in the name of Heaven, now! + +SERVANTS' COOK. Come along, here's some tea for you. + +DISCHARGED COOK. Tea; what is tea? Weak, sloppy stuff. A little +vódka--just one little drop ... Loukérya! + +THIRD PEASANT. Poor old soul, what agony it is! + +SECOND PEASANT. You'd better give him some. + +SERVANTS' COOK [gets out a bottle and fills a wine-glass] Here you are; +you'll get no more. + +DISCHARGED COOK [clutches hold of it and drinks, trembling all over] +Loukérya, Cook! I am drinking, and you must understand ... + +SERVANTS' COOK. Now then, stop your chatter! Get on to the oven, and let +not a breath of you be heard! [The old Cook meekly begins to climb up, +muttering something to himself]. + +SECOND PEASANT. What it is, when a man gives way to his weakness! + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just it--human weakness. + +THIRD PEASANT. That goes without saying. + + The Discharged Cook settles down, muttering all the time. Silence. + +SECOND PEASANT. I want to ask you something: that girl of Aksínya's as +comes from our village and is living here. How is she? What is she +like? How is she living--I mean, does she live honest? + +JACOB. She's a nice girl; one can say nothing but good of her. + +SERVANTS' COOK. I'll tell you straight, daddy; I know this here +establishment out and out, and if you mean to have Tánya for your son's +wife--be quick about it, before she comes to grief, or else she'll not +escape! + +JACOB. Yes, that's true. A while ago we had a girl here, Nataly. She was +a good girl too. And she was lost without rhyme or reason. No better +than that chap! [Pointing to the old Cook]. + +SERVANTS' COOK. There's enough to dam a mill-pool, with the likes of us, +as perish! 'Cos why, every one is tempted by the easy life and the good +food. And see there,--as soon as one has tasted the good food she goes +and slips. And once she's slipped, they don't want her, but get a fresh +one in her place. So it was with dear little Nataly; she also slipped, +and they turned her out. She had a child and fell ill, and died in the +hospital last spring. And what a girl she used to be! + +THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord! People are weak; they ought to be pitied. + +DISCHARGED COOK. Those devils pity? No fear! [He hangs his legs down +from the oven] I have stood roasting myself by the kitchen range for +thirty years, and now that I am not wanted, I may go and die like a +dog.... Pity indeed!... + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. It's the old circumstances. + +SECOND PEASANT. + + While they drank and they fed, you were "curly head." + When they'd finished the prog, 'twas "Get out, mangy dog!" + +THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord! + +DISCHARGED COOK. Much you know. What is "Sautey a la Bongmont"? What is +"Bavassary"? Oh, the things I could make! Think of it! The Emperor +tasted my work, and now the devils want me no longer. But I am not going +to stand it! + +SERVANTS' COOK. Now then, stop that noise, mind.... Get up right into +the corner, so that no one can see you, or else Theodore Ivánitch or +some one may come in, and both you and me'll be turned out! [Silence]. + +JACOB. And do you know my part of the country? I'm from Voznesénsky. + +SECOND PEASANT. Not know it? Why, it's no more'n ten miles from our +village; not _that_ across the ford! Do you cultivate any land there? + +JACOB. My brother does, and I send my wages. Though I live here, I am +dying for a sight of home. + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. + +SECOND PEASANT. Then Anísim is your brother? + +JACOB. Own brother. He lives at the farther end of the village. + +SECOND PEASANT. Of course, I know; his is the third house. + + Enter Tánya, running. + +TÁNYA. Jacob, what are you doing, amusing yourself here? She is calling +you! + +JACOB. I'm coming; but what's up? + +TÁNYA. Frisk is barking; it's hungry. And she's scolding you. "How cruel +he is," she says. "He's no feeling," she says. "It's long past Frisk's +dinner-time, and he has not brought her food!" [Laughs]. + +JACOB [rises to go] Oh, she's cross? What's going to happen now, I +wonder? + +SERVANTS' COOK. Here, take the cabbage with you. + +JACOB. All right, give it here. [Takes basin, and exit]. + +FIRST PEASANT. Who is going to dine now? + +TÁNYA. Why, the dog! It's her dog. [Sits down and takes up the tea-pot] +Is there any more tea? I've brought some. [Puts fresh tea into the +tea-pot.] + +FIRST PEASANT. Dinner for a dog? + +TÁNYA. Yes, of course! They prepare a special cutlet for her; it must +not be too fat. And I do the washing--the dog's washing, I mean. + +THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord! + +TÁNYA. It's like that gentleman who had a funeral for his dog. + +SECOND PEASANT. What's that? + +TÁNYA. Why, some one told me he had a dog--I mean the gentleman had a +dog. And it died. It was winter, and he went in his sledge to bury that +dog. Well, he buried it, and on the way home he sits and cries--the +gentleman does. Well, there was such a bitter frost that the coachman's +nose keeps running, and he has to keep wiping it. Let me fill your cup! +[Fills it] So he keeps wiping his nose, and the gentleman sees it, and +says, "What are you crying about?" And the coachman, he says, "Why, sir, +how can I help it; is there another dog like him?" [Laughs]. + +SECOND PEASANT. And I daresay he thinks to himself, "If your own self +was to kick the bucket I'd not cry." [Laughs]. + +DISCHARGED COOK [from up on the oven] That is true; that's right! + +TÁNYA. Well, the gentleman, he gets home and goes straight to his lady: +"What a good-hearted man our coachman is; he was crying all the way home +about poor Dash. Have him called.... Here, drink this glass of vódka," +he says, "and here's a rouble as a reward for you." That's just like her +saying Jacob has no feelings for her dog! [The Peasants laugh]. + +FIRST PEASANT. That's the style! + +SECOND PEASANT. That was a go! + +THIRD PEASANT. Ay, lassie, but you've set us a-laughing! + +TÁNYA [pouring out more tea] Have some more! Yes, it only seems that our +life is pleasant; but sometimes it is very disgusting,--clearing up all +their messes! Faugh! It's better in the country. [Peasants turn their +cups upside-down, as a polite sign that they have had enough. Tánya +pours out more tea] Have some more, Efím Antónitch. I'll fill your cup, +Mítry Vlásitch. + +THIRD PEASANT. All right, fill it, fill it. + +FIRST PEASANT. Well, dear, and what progression is our business making? + +TÁNYA. It's getting on ... + + [Illustration: FRUITS OF CULTURE. ACT II. + + FIRST PEASANT. Well, dear, and what progression is our business making? + + TÁNYA. It's getting on ...] + +FIRST PEASANT. Simon told us ... + +TÁNYA [quickly] Did he? + +SECOND PEASANT. But he could not make us understand. + +TÁNYA. I can't tell you now, but I'm doing my best--all I can! And I've +got your paper here! [Shows the paper hidden under the bib of her apron] +If only one thing succeeds.... [Shrieks] Oh, how nice it would be! + +SECOND PEASANT. Don't lose that paper, mind. It has cost money. + +TÁNYA. Never fear. You only want him to sign it? Is that all? + +THIRD PEASANT. Why, what else? Let's say he's signed it, and it's done! +[Turns his cup upside-down] I've had enough. + +TÁNYA [aside] He'll sign it; you'll see he will... Have some more. +[Pours out tea]. + +FIRST PEASANT. If only you get this business about the sale of the land +settled, the Commune would pay your marriage expenses. [Refuses the +tea]. + +TÁNYA [pouring out tea] Do have another cup. + +THIRD PEASANT. You get it done, and we'll arrange your marriage, and I +myself, let's say, will dance at the wedding. Though I've never danced +in all my born days, I'll dance then! + +TÁNYA [laughing] All right, I'll be in hopes of it. [Silence]. + +SECOND PEASANT [examines Tánya] That's all very well, but you're not fit +for peasant work. + +TÁNYA. Who? I? Why, don't you think me strong enough? You should see +me lacing up my mistress. There's many a peasant couldn't tug as hard. + +SECOND PEASANT. Where do you tug her to? + +TÁNYA. Well, there's a thing made with bone, like--something like a +stiff jacket, only up to here! Well, and I pull the strings just as when +you saddle a horse--when you ... what d'ye call it? You know, when you +spit on your hands! + +SECOND PEASANT. Tighten the girths, you mean. + +TÁNYA. Yes, yes, that's it. And you know I mustn't shove against her +with my knee. [Laughs]. + +SECOND PEASANT. Why do you pull her in? + +TÁNYA. For a reason! + +SECOND PEASANT. Why, is she doing penance? + +TÁNYA. No, it's for beauty's sake! + +FIRST PEASANT. That's to say, you pull in her paunch for appearance' +sake. + +TÁNYA. Sometimes I lace her up so that her eyes are ready to start from +her head, and she says, "Tighter," till my hands tingle. And you say I'm +not strong! [Peasants laugh and shake their heads]. + +TÁNYA. But here, I've been jabbering. [Runs away, laughing]. + +THIRD PEASANT. Ah, the lassie has made us laugh! + +FIRST PEASANT. She's a tidy one! + +SECOND PEASANT. She's not bad. + + Enter Sahátof and Vasíly Leoníditch. Sahátof holds a teaspoon in his + hand. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Not exactly a dinner, but a _déjeuner dinatoire_. And +first-rate it was, I tell you. Ham of sucking-pig, delicious! Roulier +feeds one splendidly! I've only just returned. [Sees Peasants] Ah, the +peasants are here again! + +SAHÁTOF. Yes, yes, that's all very well, but we came here to hide this +article. Where shall we hide it? + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Excuse me a moment. [To Servants' Cook] Where are the +dogs? + +SERVANTS' COOK. In the coachman's quarters. You can't keep dogs in the +servants' kitchen! + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Ah, in the coachman's quarters? All right. + +SAHÁTOF. I am waiting. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Excuse me, please. Eh, what? Hide it? I'll tell you +what. Let's put it into one of the peasants' pockets. That one. I say, +where's your pocket? Eh, what? + +THIRD PEASANT. What for d'ye want my pocket? You're a good 'un! My +pocket! There's money in my pocket! + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Where's your bag, then? + +THIRD PEASANT. What for? + +SERVANTS' COOK. What d'you mean? That's the young master! + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [laughs. To Sahátof] D'you know why he's so +frightened? Shall I tell you? He's got a heap of money. Eh, what? + +SAHÁTOF. Yes, yes, I see. Well, you talk to them a bit, and I'll put it +into that bag without being observed, so that they should not notice and +could not point it out to him. Talk to them. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. All right! [To Peasants] Well then, old fellows, how +about the land? Are you buying it? Eh, what? + +FIRST PEASANT. We have made an offering, so to say, with our whole +heart. But there,--the business don't come into action nohow. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. You should not be so stingy! Land is an important +matter! I told you about planting mint. Or else tobacco would also do. + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. Every kind of producks. + +THIRD PEASANT. And you help us, master. Ask your father. Or else how are +we to live? There's so little land. A fowl, let's say, there's not +enough room for a fowl to run about. + +SAHÁTOF [having put the spoon into a bag belonging to the Third Peasant] +_C'est fait._ Ready. Come along. [Exit]. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. So don't be stingy! Eh? Well, good-bye. [Exit]. + +THIRD PEASANT. Didn't I say, come to some lodging-house? Well, supposing +we'd had to give three-pence each, then at least we'd have been in +peace. As to here, the Lord be merciful! "Give us the money," he says. +What's that for? + +SECOND PEASANT. He's drunk, I daresay. + + Peasants turn their cups upside-down, rise, and cross themselves. + +FIRST PEASANT. And d'you mind what a saying he threw out? Sowing mint! +One must know how to understand them, that one must! + +SECOND PEASANT. Sow mint indeed! He'd better bend his own back at that +work, and then it's not mint he'll hanker after, no fear! Well, many +thanks!... And now, good woman, would you tell us where we could lie +down to sleep? + +SERVANTS' COOK. One of you can lie on the oven, and the others on these +benches. + +THIRD PEASANT. Christ save you! [Prays, crossing himself]. + +FIRST PEASANT. If only by God's help we get our business settled! [Lies +down] Then to-morrow, after dinner, we'd be off by the train, and on +Tuesday we'd be home again. + +SECOND PEASANT. Are you going to put out the light? + +SERVANTS' COOK. Put it out? Oh no! They'll keep running down here, first +for one thing then another.... You lie down, I'll lower it. + +SECOND PEASANT. How is one to live, having so little land? Why, this +year, I have had to buy corn since Christmas. And the oat-straw is all +used up. I'd like to get hold of ten acres, and then I could take Simon +back. + +THIRD PEASANT. You're a man with a family. You'd get the land cultivated +without trouble. If only the business comes off. + +SECOND PEASANT. We must pray to the Holy Virgin, maybe she'll help us +out. [Silence, broken by sighs. Then footsteps and voices are heard +outside. The door opens. Enter Grossman hurriedly, with his eyes +bandaged, holding Sahátof's hand, and followed by the Professor and the +Doctor, the Fat Lady and Leoníd Fyódoritch, Betsy and Petrístchef, +Vasíly Leoníditch and Márya Konstantínovna, Anna Pávlovna and the +Baroness, Theodore Ivánitch and Tánya]. + + Peasants jump up. Grossman comes forward stepping quickly, then + stops. + +FAT LADY. You need not trouble yourselves; I have undertaken the task of +observing, and am strictly fulfilling my duty! Mr. Sahátof, are you not +leading him? + +SAHÁTOF. Of course not! + +FAT LADY. You must not lead him, but neither must you resist! [To Leoníd +Fyódoritch] I know these experiments. I have tried them myself. +Sometimes I used to feel a certain effluence, and as soon as I felt +it ... + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. May I beg of you to keep perfect silence? + +FAT LADY. Oh, I understand so well! I have experienced it myself. As +soon as my attention was diverted I could no longer ... + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Sh ...! + + Grossman goes about, searches near the First and Second Peasants, + then approaches the Third, and stumbles over a bench. + +BARONESS. _Mais dites-moi, on le paye?_[6] + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. _Je ne saurais vous dire._ + + [6] BARONESS. But tell me, please, is he paid for this? + + ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I really do not know. + +BARONESS. _Mais c'est un monsieur?_[7] + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. _Oh, oui!_ + +BARONESS. _Ça tient du miraculeux. N'est ce pas? Comment est-ce qu'il +trouve?_ + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. _Je ne saurais vous dire. Mon mari vous l'expliquera._ +[Noticing Peasants, turns round, and sees the Servants' Cook] _Pardon_ +... what is this? + + [7] BARONESS. But he is a gentleman? + + ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Oh yes! + + BARONESS. It is almost miraculous. Isn't it? How does he manage to + find things? + + ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I really can't tell you. My husband will explain it to + you.... Excuse me.... + + Baroness goes up to the group. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA [to Servants' Cook] Who let the peasants in? + +SERVANTS' COOK. Jacob brought them in. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Who gave Jacob the order? + +SERVANTS' COOK. I can't say. Theodore Ivánitch has seen them. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Leoníd! + + Leoníd Fyódoritch does not hear, being absorbed in the search, and + says, Sh ... + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Theodore Ivánitch! What is the meaning of this? Did you +not see me disinfecting the whole hall, and now the whole kitchen is +infected, all the rye bread, the milk ... + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I thought there would not be any danger if they came +here. The men have come on business. They have far to go, and are from +our village. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. That's the worst of it! They are from the Koursk village, +where people are dying of diphtheria like flies! But the chief thing is, +I ordered them out of the house!... Did I, or did I not? [Approaches the +others that have gathered round the Peasants] Be careful! Don't touch +them--they are all infected with diphtheria! [No one heeds her, and she +steps aside in a dignified manner and stands quietly waiting]. + +PETRÍSTCHEF [sniffs loudly] I don't know if it is diphtheria, but there +is some kind of infection in the air. Don't you notice it? + +BETSY. Stop your nonsense! Vovo, which bag is it in? + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. That one, that one. He is getting near, very near! + +PETRÍSTCHEF. Is it spirits divine, or spirits of wine? + +BETSY. Now your cigarette comes in handy for once. Smoke closer, closer +to me. + + Petrístchef leans over her and smokes at her. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. He's getting near, I tell you. Eh, what? + +GROSSMAN [searches excitedly round the Third Peasant] It is here; I feel +it is! + +FAT LADY. Do you feel an effluence? [Grossman stoops and finds the spoon +in the bag]. + +ALL. Bravo! [General enthusiasm]. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Ah! So that's where our spoon was. [To Peasants] Then +that's the sort you are! + +THIRD PEASANT. What sort? I didn't take your spoon! What are you making +out? I didn't take it, and my soul knows nothing about it. I didn't take +it--there! Let him do what he likes. I knew he came here for no good. +"Where's your bag?" says he. I didn't take it, the Lord is my witness! +[Crosses himself] I didn't take it! + + The young people group round the Peasant, laughing. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [angrily to his son] Always playing the fool! [To the +Third Peasant] Never mind, friend! We know you did not take it; it was +only an experiment. + +GROSSMAN [removes bandage from his eyes, and pretends to be coming to] +Can I have a little water? [All fuss round him]. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Let's go straight from here into the coachman's +room. I've got a bitch there--_épâtante_![8] Eh, what? + + [8] Stunning! + +BETSY. What a horrid word. Couldn't you say dog? + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. No. I can't say--Betsy is a man, _épâtant_. I should +have to say young woman; it's a parallel case. Eh, what? Márya +Konstantínovna, isn't it true? Good, eh? [Laughs loudly]. + +MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. Well, let us go. [Exeunt Márya Konstantínovna, +Betsy, Petrístchef, and Vasíly Leoníditch]. + +FAT LADY [to Grossman] Well? how are you? Have you rested? [Grossman +does not answer. To Sahátof] And you, Mr. Sahátof, did you feel the +effluence? + +SAHÁTOF. I felt nothing. Yes, it was very fine--very fine. Quite a +success! + +BARONESS. _Admirable! Ça ne le fait pas souffrir?_[9] + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. _Pas le moins du monde._ + + [9] BARONESS. Capital! Does it not cause him any pain? + + LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Not the slightest. + +PROFESSOR [to Grossman] May I trouble you? [Hands him a thermometer] At +the beginning of the experiment it was 37 decimal 2, degrees.[10] [To +Doctor] That's right, I think? Would you mind feeling his pulse? Some +loss is inevitable. + + [10] He uses a Centigrade thermometer. + +DOCTOR [to Grossman] Now then, sir, let's have your hand; we'll see, +we'll see. [Takes out his watch, and feels Grossman's pulse]. + +FAT LADY [to Grossman] One moment! The condition you were in could not +be called sleep? + +GROSSMAN [wearily] It was hypnosis. + +SAHÁTOF. In that case, are we to understand that you hypnotised +yourself? + +GROSSMAN. And why not? An hypnotic state may ensue not only in +consequence of association--the sound of the tom-tom, for instance, in +Charcot's method--but by merely entering an hypnogenetic zone. + +SAHÁTOF. Granting that, it would still be desirable to define what +hypnotism is, more exactly? + +PROFESSOR. Hypnotism is a phenomenon resulting from the transmutation of +one energy into another. + +GROSSMAN. Charcot does not so define it. + +SAHÁTOF. A moment, just a moment! That is your definition, but Liébault +told me himself ... + +DOCTOR [lets go of Grossman's pulse] Ah, that's all right; well now, the +temperature? + +FAT LADY [interrupting] No, allow me! I agree with the Professor. And +here's the very best proof. After my illness, when I lay insensible, a +desire to speak came over me. In general I am of a silent disposition, +but then I was overcome by this desire to speak, and I spoke and spoke, +and I was told that I spoke in such a way that every one was astonished! +[To Sahátof] But I think I interrupted you? + +SAHÁTOF [with dignity] Not at all. Pray continue. + +DOCTOR. Pulse 82, and the temperature has risen three-tenths of a +degree. + +PROFESSOR. There you are! That's a proof! That's just as it should be. +[Takes out pocket-book and writes] 82, yes? And 37 and 5. When the +hypnotic state is induced, it invariably produces a heightened action of +the heart. + +DOCTOR. I can, as a medical man, bear witness that your prognosis was +justified by the event. + +PROFESSOR [to Sahátof] You were saying?... + +SAHÁTOF. I wished to say that Liébault told me himself that the hypnotic +is only one particular psychical state, increasing susceptibility to +suggestion. + +PROFESSOR. That is so, but still the law of equivalents is the chief +thing. + +GROSSMAN. Moreover, Liébault is far from being an authority, while +Charcot has studied the subject from all sides, and has proved that +hypnotism produced by a blow, a trauma ... + + All talking together. + + { SAHÁTOF. Yes, but I don't reject Charcot's labour. I know him also, + { I am only repeating what Liébault told me ... + { + { GROSSMAN [excitedly] There are 3000 patients in the Salpêtrière, and + { I have gone through the whole course. + { + { PROFESSOR. Excuse me, gentlemen, but that is not the point. + +FAT LADY [interrupting] One moment, I will explain it to you in two +words? When my husband was ill, all the doctors gave him up ... + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. However, we had better go upstairs again. Baroness, +this way! + + Exeunt Grossman, Sahátof, Professor, Doctor, the Fat Lady, and + Baroness, talking loudly and interrupting each other. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA [catching hold of Leoníd Fyódoritch's arm] How often have +I asked you not to interfere in household matters! You think of nothing +but your nonsense, and the whole house is on my shoulders. You will +infect us all! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. What? How? I don't understand what you mean. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. How? Why, people ill of diphtheria sleep in the kitchen, +which is in constant communication with the whole house. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, but I ... + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What, I? + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I know nothing about it. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. It's your duty to know, if you are the head of the +family. Such things must not be done. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. But I never thought ... I thought ... + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. It is sickening to listen to you! [Leoníd Fyódoritch +remains silent]. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA [to Theodore Ivánitch] Turn them out at once! They are to +leave my kitchen immediately! It is terrible! No one listens to me; they +do it out of spite.... I turn them out from there, and they bring them +in here! And with my illness ... [Gets more and more excited, and at +last begins to cry] Doctor! Doctor! Peter Petróvitch!... He's gone +too!... [Exit, sobbing, followed by Leoníd Fyódoritch]. + + All stand silent for a long time. + +THIRD PEASANT. Botheration take them all! If one don't mind, the police +will be after one here. And I have never been to law in all my born +days. Let's go to some lodging-house, lads! + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH [to Tánya] What are we to do? + +TÁNYA. Never mind, Theodore Ivánitch, let them sleep with the coachman. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. How can we do that? The coachman was complaining as +it is, that his place is full of dogs. + +TÁNYA. Well then, the porter's lodge. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. And supposing it's found out? + +TÁNYA. It won't be found out! Don't trouble about that, Theodore +Ivánitch. How can one turn them out now, at night? They'll not find +anywhere to go to. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, do as you please. Only they must go away from +here. [Exit]. + + Peasants take their bags. + +DISCHARGED COOK. Oh those damned fiends! It's all their fat! Fiends! + +SERVANTS' COOK. You be quiet there. Thank goodness they didn't see you! + +TÁNYA. Well then, daddy, come along to the porter's lodge. + +FIRST PEASANT. Well, but how about our business? How, for example, about +the applience of his hand to the signature? May we be in hopes? + +TÁNYA. We'll see in an hour's time. + +SECOND PEASANT. You'll do the trick? + +TÁNYA [laughs] Yes, God willing! + + + Curtain. + + + + +ACT III + + Evening of the same day. The small drawing-room in Leoníd + Fyódoritch's house, where the séances are always held. Leoníd + Fyódoritch and the Professor. + + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well then, shall we risk a séance with our new +medium? + +PROFESSOR. Yes, certainly. He is a powerful medium, there is no doubt +about it. And it is especially desirable that the séance should take +place to-day with the same people. Grossman will certainly respond to +the influence of the mediumistic energy, and then the connection and +identity of the different phenomena will be still more evident. You will +see then that, if the medium is as strong as he was just now, Grossman +will vibrate. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Then I will send for Simon and ask those who wish to +attend to come in. + +PROFESSOR. Yes, all right! I will just jot down a few notes. [Takes out +his note-book and writes]. + + Enter Sahátof. + +SAHÁTOF. They have just settled down to whist in Anna Pávlovna's +drawing-room, and as I am not wanted there--and as I am interested in +your séance--I have put in an appearance here. But will there be a +séance? + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, certainly! + +SAHÁTOF. In spite of the absence of Mr. Kaptchítch's mediumistic powers? + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. _Vous avez la main heureuse._[11] Fancy, that very +peasant whom I mentioned to you this morning, turns out to be an +undoubted medium. + + [11] LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. You bring good luck. + +SAHÁTOF. Dear me! Yes, that is peculiarly interesting! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, we tried a few preliminary experiments with him +just after dinner. + +SAHÁTOF. So you've had time already to experiment, and to convince +yourself ... + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, perfectly! And he turns out to be an +exceptionally powerful medium. + +SAHÁTOF [incredulously] Dear me! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. It turns out that it has long been noticed in the +servants' hall. When he sits down to table, the spoon springs into his +hand of its own accord! [To the Professor] Had you heard about it? + +PROFESSOR. No, I had not heard that detail. + +SAHÁTOF [to the Professor]. But still, you admit the possibility of such +phenomena? + +PROFESSOR. What phenomena? + +SAHÁTOF. Well, spiritualistic, mediumistic, and supernatural phenomena +in general. + +PROFESSOR. The question is, what do we consider supernatural? When, not +a living man but a piece of stone attracted a nail to itself, how did +the phenomena strike the first observers? As something natural? Or +supernatural? + +SAHÁTOF. Well, of course; but phenomena such as the magnet attracting +iron always repeat themselves. + +PROFESSOR. It is just the same in this case. The phenomenon repeats +itself and we experiment with it. And not only that, but we apply to the +phenomena we are investigating the laws common to other phenomena. These +phenomena seem supernatural only because their causes are attributed to +the medium himself. But that is where the mistake lies. The phenomena +are not caused by the medium, but by psychic energy acting through a +medium, and that is a very different thing. The whole matter lies in the +law of equivalents. + +SAHÁTOF. Yes, certainly, but ... + + Enter Tánya, who hides behind the hangings. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Only remember that we cannot reckon on any results +with certainty, with this medium any more than with Home or Kaptchítch. +We may not succeed, but on the other hand we may even have perfect +materialisation. + +SAHÁTOF. Materialisation even? What do you mean by materialisation? + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Why, I mean that some one who is dead--say, your +father or your grandfather--may appear, take you by the hand, or give +you something; or else some one may suddenly rise into the air, as +happened to Alexéy Vladímiritch last time. + +PROFESSOR. Of course, of course. But the chief thing is the explanation +of the phenomena, and the application to them of general laws. + + Enter the Fat Lady. + +FAT LADY. Anna Pávlovna has allowed me to join you. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Very pleased. + +FAT LADY. Oh, how tired Grossman seems! He could scarcely hold his cup. +Did you notice [to the Professor] how pale he turned at the moment he +approached the hiding-place? I noticed it at once, and was the first to +mention it to Anna Pávlovna. + +PROFESSOR. Undoubtedly,--loss of vital energy. + +FAT LADY. Yes, it's just as I say, one should not abuse that sort of +thing. You know, a hypnotist once suggested to a friend of mine, Véra +Kónshin (oh, you know her, of course)--well, he suggested that she +should leave off smoking,--and her back began to ache! + +PROFESSOR [trying to have his say] The temperature and the pulse clearly +indicate ... + +FAT LADY. One moment! Allow me! Well, I said to her: it's better to +smoke than to suffer so with one's nerves. Of course, smoking is +injurious; I should like to give it up myself, but, do what I will, I +can't! Once I managed not to smoke for a fortnight, but could hold out +no longer. + +PROFESSOR [again trying to speak] Clearly proves ... + +FAT LADY. Yes, no! Allow me, just one word! You say, "loss of strength." +And I was also going to say that, when I travelled with post-horses ... +the roads used to be dreadful in those days--you don't remember--but I +have noticed that all our nervousness comes from railways! I, for +instance, can't sleep while travelling; I cannot fall asleep to save my +life! + +PROFESSOR [makes another attempt, which the Fat Lady baffles] The loss +of strength ... + +SAHÁTOF [smiling] Yes; oh yes! + + Leoníd Fyódoritch rings. + +FAT LADY. I am awake one night, and another, and a third, and still I +can't sleep! + + Enter Gregory. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Please tell Theodore to get everything ready for the +séance, and send Simon here--Simon, the butler's assistant,--do you +hear? + +GREGORY. Yes, sir. [Exit]. + +PROFESSOR [to Sahátof]. The observation of the temperature and the pulse +have shown loss of vital energy. The same will happen in consequence of +the mediumistic phenomena. The law of the conservation of energy ... + +FAT LADY. Oh yes, yes; I was just going to say that I am very glad that +a simple peasant turns out to be a medium. That's very good. I always +did say that the Slavophils ... + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Let's go into the drawing-room in the meantime. + +FAT LADY. Allow me, just one word! The Slavophils are right; but I +always told my husband that one ought never to exaggerate anything! "The +golden mean," you know. What is the use of maintaining that the common +people are all perfect, when I have myself seen ... + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Won't you come into the drawing-room? + +FAT LADY. A boy--that high--who drank! I gave him a scolding at once. +And he was grateful to me afterwards. They are children, and, as I +always say, children need both love and severity! + + Exeunt all, all talking together. + + Tánya enters from behind the hangings. + +TÁNYA. Oh, if it would only succeed! [Begins fastening some threads]. + + Enter Betsy hurriedly. + +BETSY. Isn't papa here? [Looks inquiringly at Tánya] What are you doing +here? + +TÁNYA. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, I have only just come; I only wished ... only +came in ... [Embarrassed]. + +BETSY. But they are going to have a séance here directly. [Notices Tánya +drawing in the threads, looks at her, and suddenly bursts out laughing] +Tánya! Why, it's you who do it all? Now don't deny it. And last time it +was you too? Yes, it was, it was! + +TÁNYA. Miss Elizabeth, dearest! + +BETSY [delighted] Oh, that is a joke! Well, I never. But why do you do +it? + +TÁNYA. Oh miss, dear miss, don't betray me! + +BETSY. Not for the world! I'm awfully glad. Only tell me how you manage +it? + +TÁNYA. Well, I just hide, and then, when it's all dark, I come out and +do it. That's how. + +BETSY [pointing to threads] And what is this for? You needn't tell me. I +see; you draw ... + +TÁNYA. Miss Elizabeth, darling! I will confess it, but only to you. I +used to do it just for fun, but now I mean business. + +BETSY. What? How? What business? + +TÁNYA. Well, you see, those peasants that came this morning, you saw +them. They want to buy some land, and your father won't sell it; well, +and Theodore Ivánitch, he says it's the spirits as forbid him. So I have +had a thought as ... + +BETSY. Oh, I see! Well, you are a clever girl! Do it, do it.... But how +will you manage it? + +TÁNYA. Well, I thought, when they put out the lights, I'll at once begin +knocking and shying things about, touching their heads with the threads, +and at last I'll take the paper about the land and throw it on the +table. I've got it here. + +BETSY. Well, and then? + +TÁNYA. Why, don't you see? They will be astonished. The peasants had the +paper, and now it's here. I will teach ... + +BETSY. Why, of course! Simon is the medium to-day! + +TÁNYA. Well, I'll teach him ... [Laughs so that she can't continue] I'll +tell him to squeeze with his hands any one he can get hold of! Of +course, not your father--he'd never dare do that--but any one else; +he'll squeeze till it's signed. + +BETSY [laughing] But that's not the way it is done. Mediums never do +anything themselves. + +TÁNYA. Oh, never mind. It's all one; I daresay it'll turn out all right. + + Enter Theodore Ivánitch. + + Exit Betsy, making signs to Tánya. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Why are you here? + +TÁNYA. It's you I want, Theodore Ivánitch, dear ... + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, what is it? + +TÁNYA. About that affair of mine as I spoke of. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH [laughs] I've made the match; yes, I've made the +match. The matter is settled; we have shaken hands on it, only not had a +drink on it. + +TÁNYA [with a shriek] Never! So it's all right? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Don't I tell you so? He says, "I shall consult the +missus, and then, God willing ..." + +TÁNYA. Is that what he said? [Shrieks] Dear Theodore Ivánitch, I'll pray +for you all the days of my life! + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. All right! All right! Now is not the time. I've been +ordered to arrange the room for the séance. + +TÁNYA. Let me help you. How's it to be arranged? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. How? Why, the table in the middle of the +room--chairs--the guitar--the accordion. The lamp is not wanted, only +candles. + +TÁNYA [helps Theodore Ivánitch to place the things] Is that right? The +guitar here, and here the inkstand. [Places it] So? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Can it be true that they'll make Simon sit here? + +TÁNYA. I suppose so; they've done it once. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Wonderful! [Puts on his pince-nez] But is he clean? + +TÁNYA. How should I know? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Then, I'll tell you what ... + +TÁNYA. Yes, Theodore Ivánitch? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Go and take a nail-brush and some Pears' soap; you +may take mine ... and go and cut his claws and scrub his hands as clean +as possible. + +TÁNYA. He can do it himself. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well then, tell him to. And tell him to put on a +clean shirt as well. + +TÁNYA. All right, Theodore Ivánitch. [Exit]. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH [sits down in an easy-chair] They're educated and +learned--Alexéy Vladímiritch now, he's a professor--and yet sometimes +one can't help doubting very much. The people's rude superstitions are +being abolished: hobgoblins, sorcerers, witches.... But if one considers +it, is not this equally superstitious? How is it possible that the +souls of the dead should come and talk, and play the guitar? No! Some +one is fooling them, or they are fooling themselves. And as to this +business with Simon--it's simply incomprehensible. [Looks at an album] +Here's their spiritualistic album. How is it possible to photograph a +spirit? But here is the likeness of a Turk and Leoníd Fyódoritch sitting +by.... Extraordinary human weakness! + + Enter Leoníd Fyódoritch. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Is it all ready? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH [rising leisurely] Quite ready. [Smiles] Only I don't +know about your new medium. I hope he won't disgrace you, Leoníd +Fyódoritch. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. No, I and Alexéy Vladímiritch have tested him. He is +a wonderfully powerful medium! + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, I don't know. But is he clean enough? I don't +suppose you have thought of ordering him to wash his hands? It might be +rather inconvenient. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. His hands? Oh yes! They're not clean, you think? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What can you expect? He's a peasant, and there will +be ladies present, and Márya Vasílevna. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. It will be all right. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. And then I have something to report to you. Timothy, +the coachman, complains that he can't keep things clean because of the +dogs. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [arranging the things on the table absent-mindedly] +What dogs? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. The three hounds that came for Vasíly Leoníditch +to-day. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [vexed] Tell Anna Pávlovna! She can do as she likes +about it. I have no time. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. But you know her weakness ... + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. 'Tis just as she likes, let her do as she pleases. +As for him,--one never gets anything but unpleasantness from him. +Besides, I am busy. + + Enter Simon, smiling; he has a sleeveless peasant's coat on. + +SIMON. I was ordered to come. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, it's all right. Let me see your hands. That will +do, that will do very well! Well then, my good fellow, you must do just +as you did before,--sit down, and give way to your mood. But don't think +at all. + +SIMON. Why should I think? The more one thinks, the worse it is. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Just so, just so, exactly! The less conscious one is, +the greater is the power. Don't think, but give in to your mood. If you +wish to sleep, sleep; if you wish to walk, walk. Do you understand? + +SIMON. How could one help understanding? It's simple enough. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. But above all, don't be frightened. Because you might +be surprised yourself. You must understand that just as we live here, so +a whole world of invisible spirits live here also. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH [improving on what Leoníd Fyódoritch has said] +Invisible feelings, do you understand? + +SIMON [laughs] How can one help understanding! It's very plain as you +put it. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. You may rise up in the air, or something of the kind, +but don't be frightened. + +SIMON. Why should I be frightened? That won't matter at all. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well then, I'll go and call them all.... Is +everything ready? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I think so. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. But the slates? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. They are downstairs. I'll bring them. [Exit]. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. All right then. So don't be afraid, but be at your +ease. + +SIMON. Had I not better take off my coat? One would be more easy like. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Your coat? Oh no. Don't take that off. [Exit]. + +SIMON. She tells me to do the same again, and she will again shy things +about. How isn't she afraid? + + Enter Tánya in her stockings and in a dress of the colour of the + wall-paper. Simon laughs. + +TÁNYA. Shsh!... They'll hear! There, stick these matches on your fingers +as before. [Sticks them on] Well, do you remember everything? + +SIMON [bending his fingers in, one by one] First of all, wet the matches +and wave my hands about, that's one. Then make my teeth chatter, like +this ... that's two. But I've forgotten the third thing. + +TÁNYA. And it's the third as is the chief thing. Don't forget as soon as +the paper falls on the table--I shall ring the little bell--then you do +like this.... Spread your arms out far and catch hold of some one, +whoever it is as sits nearest, and catch hold of him. And then squeeze! +[Laughs] Whether it's a gentleman or a lady, it's all one; you just +squeeze 'em, and don't let 'em go,--as if it were in your sleep, and +chatter with your teeth, or else howl like this. [Howls sotto-voce] And +when I begin to play on the guitar, then stretch yourself as if you were +waking up, you know.... Will you remember everything? + +SIMON. Yes, I'll remember, but it is too funny. + +TÁNYA. But mind you don't laugh. Still, it won't matter much if you do +laugh; they'd think it was in your sleep. Only take care you don't +really fall asleep when they put out the lights. + +SIMON. No fear, I'll pinch my ears. + +TÁNYA. Well then Sim darling, only mind do as I tell you, and don't get +frightened. He'll sign the paper, see if he don't! They're coming! + + Gets under the sofa. + + Enter Grossman and the Professor, Leoníd Fyódoritch and the Fat + Lady, the Doctor, Sahátof and Anna Pávlovna. Simon stands near the + door. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Please come in, all you doubters! Though we have a +new and accidentally discovered medium, I expect very important +phenomena to-night. + +SAHÁTOF. That's very, very interesting. + +FAT LADY [pointing to Simon] _Mais il est très bien!_[12] + + [12] FAT LADY. But he looks quite nice. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Yes, as a butler's assistant, but hardly ... + +SAHÁTOF. Wives never have any faith in their husbands' work. You don't +believe in anything of this kind? + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Of course not. Kaptchítch, it is true, has something +exceptional about him, but Heaven knows what all this is about! + +FAT LADY. No, Anna Pávlovna, permit me, you can't decide it in such a +way. Before I was married, I once had a remarkable dream. Dreams, you +know, are often such that you don't know where they begin and where they +end; it was just such a dream that I ... + + Enter Vasíly Leoníditch and Petrístchef. + +FAT LADY. And much was revealed to me by that dream. Nowadays the young +people [points to Petrístchef and Vasíly Leoníditch] deny everything. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. But look here, you know--now I, for instance, never +deny anything! Eh, what? + + Betsy and Márya Konstantínovna enter, and begin talking to + Petrístchef. + +FAT LADY. And how can one deny the supernatural? They say it is +unreasonable. But what if one's reason is stupid; what then? There now, +on Garden Street, you know ... why, well, it appeared every evening! My +husband's brother--what do you call him? Not _beau-frère_--what's the +other name for it?--I never can remember the names of these different +relationships--well, he went there three nights running, and still he +saw nothing; so I said to him ... + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, who is going to stay here? + +FAT LADY. I! I! + +SAHÁTOF. I. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA [to Doctor] Do you mean to say you are going to stay? + +DOCTOR. Yes; I must see, if only once, what it is that Alexéy +Vladímiritch has discovered in it. How can we deny anything without +proofs? + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Then I am to take it to-night for certain? + +DOCTOR. Take what?... Oh, the powder. Yes, it would perhaps be better. +Yes, yes, take it.... However, I shall come upstairs again. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Yes please, do. [Loud] When it is over, _mesdames et +messieurs_, I shall expect you to come to me upstairs to rest from your +emotions, and then we will finish our rubber. + +FAT LADY. Oh, certainly. + +SAHÁTOF. Yes, thanks! + + Exit Anna Pávlovna. + +BETSY [to Petrístchef] You must stay, I tell you. I promise you +something extraordinary. Will you bet? + +MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. But you don't believe in it? + +BETSY. To-day I do. + +MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA [to Petrístchef] And do you believe? + +PETRÍSTCHEF. "I can't believe, I cannot trust a heart for falsehood +framed." Still, if Elizabeth Leonídovna commands ... + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Let us stay, Márya Konstantínovna. Eh, what? I shall +invent something _épâtant_. + +MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. No, you mustn't make me laugh. You know I can't +restrain myself. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [loud] I remain! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [severely] But I beg those who remain not to joke +about it. It is a serious matter. + +PETRÍSTCHEF. Do you hear? Well then, let's stay. Vovo, sit here, and +don't be too shy. + +BETSY. Yes, it's all very well for you to laugh; but just wait till you +see what will happen. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Oh, but supposing it's true? Won't it be a go! Eh, +what? + +PETRÍSTCHEF [trembles] Oh, I'm afraid, I'm afraid! Márya Konstantínovna, +I'm afraid! My tootsies tremble. + +BETSY [laughing] Not so loud. + + All sit down. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Take your seats, take your seats. Simon, sit down! + +SIMON. Yes, sir. [Sits down on the edge of the chair]. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Sit properly. + +PROFESSOR. Sit straight in the middle of the chair, and quite at your +ease. [Arranges Simon on his chair]. + + Betsy, Márya Konstantínovna and Vasíly Leoníditch laugh. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [raising his voice] I beg those who are going to +remain here not to behave frivolously, but to regard this matter +seriously, or bad results might follow. Do you hear, Vovo! If you can't +be quiet, go away! + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Quite quiet! [Hides behind Fat Lady]. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Alexéy Vladímiritch, will you mesmerise him? + +PROFESSOR. No; why should I do it when Antón Borísitch is here? He has +had far more practice and has more power in that department than I.... +Antón Borísitch! + +GROSSMAN. Ladies and gentlemen, I am not, strictly speaking, a +spiritualist. I have only studied hypnotism. It is true I have studied +hypnotism in all its known manifestations; but what is called +spiritualism, is entirely unknown to me. When a subject is thrown into a +trance, I may expect the hypnotic phenomena known to me: lethargy, +abulia, anæsthesia, analgesia, catalepsy, and every kind of +susceptibility to suggestion. Here it is not these but other phenomena +we expect to observe. Therefore it would be well to know of what kind +are the phenomena we expect to witness, and what is their scientific +significance. + +SAHÁTOF. I thoroughly agree with Mr. Grossman. Such an explanation would +be very interesting. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I think Alexéy Vladímiritch will not refuse to give +us a short explanation. + +PROFESSOR. Why not? I can give an explanation if it is desired. [To the +Doctor] Will you kindly note his temperature and pulse? My explanation +must, of necessity, be cursory and brief. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, please; briefly, quite briefly. + +DOCTOR. All right. [Takes out thermometer] Now then, my lad ... [Places +the thermometer]. + +SIMON. Yes, sir! + +PROFESSOR [rising and addressing the Fat Lady--then reseating himself] +Ladies and gentlemen! The phenomenon we are investigating to-night is +regarded, on the one hand, as something new; and, on the other, as +something transcending the limits of natural conditions. Neither view is +correct. This phenomenon is not new but is as old as the world; and it +is not supernatural but is subject to the eternal laws that govern all +that exists. This phenomenon has been usually defined as "intercourse +with the spirit world." That definition is inexact. Under such a +definition the spirit world is contrasted with the material world. But +this is erroneous; there is no such contrast! Both worlds are so closely +connected that it is impossible to draw a line of demarcation, +separating the one from the other. We say, matter is composed of +molecules ... + +PETRÍSTCHEF. Prosy matter! [Whispering and laughter]. + +PROFESSOR [pauses, then continues] Molecules are composed of atoms, but +the atoms, having no extension, are in reality nothing but the points +of application of forces. Strictly speaking, not of forces but of +energy, that same energy which is as much a unity and just as +indestructible as matter. But matter, though one, has many different +aspects, and the same is true of energy. Till recently only four forms +of energy, convertible into one another, have been known to us: energies +known as the dynamic, the thermal, the electric, and the chemic. But +these four aspects of energy are far from exhausting all the varieties +of its manifestation. The forms in which energy may manifest itself are +very diverse, and it is one of these new and as yet but little known +phases of energy, that we are investigating to-night. I refer to +mediumistic energy. + + Renewed whispering and laughter among the young people. + +PROFESSOR [stops and casts a severe look round] Mediumistic energy has +been known to mankind for ages: prophecy, presentiments, visions and so +on, are nothing but manifestations of mediumistic energy. The +manifestations produced by it have, I say, been known to mankind for +ages. But the energy itself has not been recognised as such till quite +recently--not till that medium, the vibrations of which cause the +manifestations of mediumistic energy, was recognised. In the same way +that the phenomena of light were inexplicable until the existence of an +imponderable substance--an ether--was recognised, so mediumistic +phenomena seemed mysterious until the now fully established fact was +recognised, that between the particles of ether there exists another +still more rarified imponderable substance not subject to the law of the +three dimensions ... + + Renewed laughter, whispers, and giggling. + +PROFESSOR [again looks round severely] And just as mathematical +calculations have irrefutably proved the existence of imponderable ether +which gives rise to the phenomena of light and electricity, so the +successive investigations of the ingenious Hermann, of Schmidt, and of +Joseph Schmatzhofen, have confirmed beyond a doubt the existence of a +substance which fills the universe and may be called spiritual ether. + +FAT LADY. Ah, now I understand. I am so grateful ... + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, but Alexéy Vladímiritch, could you not ... +condense it a little? + +PROFESSOR [not heeding the remark] And so, as I have just had the honour +of mentioning to you, a succession of strictly scientific experiments +have made plain to us the laws of mediumistic phenomena. These +experiments have proved that, when certain individuals are plunged into +a hypnotic state (a state differing from ordinary sleep only by the fact +that man's physiological activity is not lowered by the hypnotic +influence but, on the contrary, is always heightened--as we have +recently witnessed) when, I say, any individual is plunged into such a +state, this always produces certain perturbations in the spiritual +ether--perturbations quite similar to those produced by plunging a solid +body into liquid matter. These perturbations are what we call +mediumistic phenomena ... + + Laughter, and whispers. + +SAHÁTOF. That is quite comprehensible and correct; but if, as you are +kind enough to inform us, the plunging of the medium into a trance +produces perturbations of the spiritual ether, allow me to ask why (as +is usually supposed to be the case in spiritualistic séances) these +perturbations result in an activity on the part of the souls of dead +people? + +PROFESSOR. It is because the molecules of this spiritual ether are +nothing but the souls of the living, the dead, and the unborn, and any +vibration of the spiritual ether must inevitably cause a certain +vibration of its atoms. These atoms are nothing but human souls, which +enter into communication with one another by means of these movements. + +FAT LADY [to Sahátof] What is it that puzzles you? It is so simple.... +Thank you so, so much! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I think everything has now been explained, and that +we may commence. + +DOCTOR. The fellow is in a perfectly normal condition: temperature 37 +decimal 2, pulse 74. + +PROFESSOR [takes out his pocket-book and notes this down] What I have +just had the honour of explaining will be confirmed by the fact, which +we shall presently have an opportunity of observing, that after the +medium has been thrown into a trance his temperature and pulse will +inevitably rise, just as occurs in cases of hypnotism. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, yes. But excuse me a moment. I should like to +reply to Sergéy Ivánitch's question: How do we know we are in +communication with the souls of the dead? We know it because the spirit +that appears, plainly tells us--as simply as I am speaking to you--who +he is, and why he has come, and whether all is well with him! At our +last séance a Spaniard, Don Castillos, came to us, and he told us +everything. He told us who he was, and when he died, and that he was +suffering for having taken part in the Inquisition. He even told us what +was happening to him at the very time that he was speaking to us, +namely, that at the very time he was talking to us he had to be born +again on earth, and, therefore, could not continue his conversation with +us.... But you'll see for yourselves ... + +FAT LADY [interrupting] Oh, how interesting! Perhaps the Spaniard was +born in one of our houses and is a baby now! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Quite possibly. + +PROFESSOR. I think it is time we began. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I was only going to say ... + +PROFESSOR. It is getting late. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Very well. Then we will commence. Antón Borísitch, be +so good as to hypnotise the medium. + +GROSSMAN. What method would you like me to use? There are several +methods. There is Braid's system, there is the Egyptian symbol, and +there is Charcot's system. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [to the Professor] I think it is quite immaterial. + +PROFESSOR. Quite. + +GROSSMAN. Then I will make use of my own method, which I showed in +Odessa. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. If you please! + + Grossman waves his arms above Simon. Simon closes his eyes and + stretches himself. + +GROSSMAN [looking closely at him] He is falling asleep! He is asleep! A +remarkably rapid occurrence of hypnosis. The subject has evidently +already reached a state of anæsthesia. He is remarkable,--an unusually +impressionable subject, and might be subjected to interesting +experiments!... [Sits down, rises, sits down again] Now one might run a +needle into his arm. If you like ... + +PROFESSOR [to Leoníd Fyódoritch] Do you notice how the medium's trance +acts on Grossman? He is beginning to vibrate. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, yes ... can the lights be extinguished now? + +SAHÁTOF. But why is darkness necessary? + +PROFESSOR. Darkness? Because it is a condition of the manifestation of +mediumistic energy, just as a given temperature is a condition necessary +for certain manifestations of chemical or dynamic energy. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. But not always. Manifestations have been observed by +me, and by many others, both by candlelight and daylight. + +PROFESSOR [interrupting] May the lights be put out? + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, certainly. [Puts out candles] Ladies and +gentlemen! attention, if you please. + + Tánya gets from under the sofa and takes hold of a thread tied to a + chandelier. + +PETRÍSTCHEF. I like that Spaniard! Just in the midst of a +conversation--off he goes head downwards ... as the French say: _piquer +une tête_.[13] + + [13] To take a header. + +BETSY. You just wait a bit, and see what will happen! + +PETRÍSTCHEF. I have only one fear, and that is that Vovo may be moved by +the spirit to grunt like a pig! + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Would you like me to? I will ... + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Gentlemen! Silence, if you please! + + Silence. Simon licks the matches on his fingers and rubs his + knuckles with them. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. A light! Do you see the light? + +SAHÁTOF. A light? Yes, yes, I see; but allow me ... + +FAT LADY. Where? Where? Oh dear, I did not see it! Ah, there it is. +Oh!... + +PROFESSOR [whispers to Leoníd Fyódoritch, and points to Grossman, who is +moving] Do you notice how he vibrates? It is the dual influence. [The +light appears again]. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [to the Professor] It must be he--you know! + +SAHÁTOF. Who? + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. A Greek, Nicholas. It is his light. Don't you think +so, Alexéy Vladímiritch? + +SAHÁTOF. Who is this Greek, Nicholas? + +PROFESSOR. A certain Greek, who was a monk at Constantinople under +Constantine and who has been visiting us lately. + +FAT LADY. Where is he? Where is he? I don't see him. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. He is not yet visible ... Alexéy Vladímiritch, he is +particularly well disposed towards you. You question him. + +PROFESSOR [in a peculiar voice] Nicholas! Is that you? + + Tánya raps twice on the wall. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [joyfully] It is he! It is he! + +FAT LADY. Oh dear! Oh! I shall go away! + +SAHÁTOF. Why do you suppose it is he? + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Why, the two knocks. It is an affirmative answer; +else all would have been silence. + + Silence. Suppressed giggling in the young people's corner. Tánya + throws a lampshade, pencil and penwiper upon the table. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [whispers] Do you notice, gentlemen, here is a +lamp-shade, and something else--a pencil!... Alexéy Vladímiritch, it is +a pencil! + +PROFESSOR. All right, all right! I am watching both him and Grossman! + + Grossman rises and feels the things that have fallen on the table. + +SAHÁTOF. Excuse me, excuse me! I should like to see whether it is not +the medium who is doing it all himself? + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Do you think so? Well, sit by him and hold his hands. +But you may be sure he is asleep. + +SAHÁTOF [approaches. Tánya lets a thread touch his head. He is +frightened, and stoops]. Ye ... ye ... yes! Strange, very strange! +[Takes hold of Simon's elbow. Simon howls]. + +PROFESSOR [to Leoníd Fyódoritch] Do you notice the effect of Grossman's +presence? It is a new phenomenon--I must note it ... [Runs out to note +it down, and returns again]. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes.... But we cannot leave Nicholas without an +answer. We must begin ... + +GROSSMAN [rises, approaches Simon and raises and lowers his arm] It +would be interesting to produce contraction! The subject is in profound +hypnosis. + +PROFESSOR [to Leoníd Fyódoritch] Do you see? Do you see? + +GROSSMAN. If you like ... + +DOCTOR. Now then, my dear sir, leave the management to Alexéy +Vladímiritch, the affair is turning out serious. + +PROFESSOR. Leave him alone, he [referring to Grossman] is talking in his +sleep! + +FAT LADY. How glad I now am that I resolved to be present! It is +frightening, but all the same I am glad, for I always said to my +husband ... + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Silence, if you please. + + Tánya draws a thread over the Fat Lady's head. + +FAT LADY. Aie! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. What? What is it? + +FAT LADY. He took hold of my hair! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [whispers] Never mind, don't be afraid, give him your +hand. His hand will be cold, but I like it. + +FAT LADY [hides her hands] Not for the world! + +SAHÁTOF. Yes, it is strange, very strange! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. He is here and is seeking for intercourse. Who wishes +to put a question to him? + +SAHÁTOF. I should like to put a question, if I may. + +PROFESSOR. Please do. + +SAHÁTOF. Do I believe or not? + + Tánya knocks twice. + +PROFESSOR. The answer is affirmative. + +SAHÁTOF. Allow me to ask again. Have I a ten rouble note in my pocket? + + Tánya knocks several times and passes a thread over Sahátof's head. + +SAHÁTOF. Ah! [Seizes the thread and breaks it]. + +PROFESSOR. I should ask those present not to ask indefinite or trivial +questions. It is unpleasant to _him_! + +SAHÁTOF. No, but allow me! Here I have a thread in my hand! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. A thread? Hold it fast; that happens often, and not +only threads but sometimes even silk cords--very ancient ones! + +SAHÁTOF. No--but where did this thread come from? + + Tánya throws a cushion at him. + +SAHÁTOF. Wait a bit; wait! Something soft has hit me on the head. Light +a candle--there is something ... + +PROFESSOR. We beg of you not to interrupt the manifestations. + +FAT LADY. For goodness' sake don't interrupt! I should also like to ask +something. May I? + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, if you like. + +FAT LADY. I should like to ask about my digestion. May I? I want to know +what to take: aconite or belladonna? + + Silence, whispers among the young people; suddenly Vasíly Leoníditch + begins to cry like a baby: "ou-a, ou-a!" [Laughter.] Holding their + mouths and noses, the girls and Petrístchef run away bursting with + laughter. + +FAT LADY. Ah, that must be the monk who's been born again! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [beside himself with anger, whispers] One gets nothing +but tomfoolery from you! If you don't know how to behave decently, go +away! + + Exit Vasíly Leoníditch. Darkness and silence. + +FAT LADY. Oh, what a pity! Now one can't ask any more! He is born! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Not at all. It is only Vovo's nonsense. But _he_ is +here. Ask him. + +PROFESSOR. That often happens. These jokes and ridicule are quite usual +occurrences. I expect _he_ is still here. But we may ask. Leoníd +Fyódoritch, will you? + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. No, you, if you please. This has upset me. So +unpleasant! Such want of tact!... + +PROFESSOR. Very well.... Nicholas, are you here? + + Tánya raps twice and rings. Simon roars, spreads his arms out, + seizes Sahátof and the Professor--squeezing them. + +PROFESSOR. What an unexpected phenomenon! The medium himself reacted +upon! This never happened before! Leoníd Fyódoritch, will you watch? It +is difficult for me to do so. He squeezes me so! Mind you observe +Grossman! This needs the very greatest attention! + + Tánya throws the peasants' paper on the table. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Something has fallen upon the table. + +PROFESSOR. See what it is! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Paper! A folded paper! + + Tánya throws a travelling inkstand on the table. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. An inkstand! + + Tánya throws a pen. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. A pen! + + Simon roars and squeezes. + +PROFESSOR [crushed] Wait a bit, wait: a totally new manifestation! The +action proceeding not from the mediumistic energy produced, but from the +medium himself! However, open the inkstand, and put the pen on the +table, and _he_ will write! + + Tánya goes behind Leoníd Fyódoritch and strikes him on the head with + the guitar. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. He has struck me on the head! [Examining table] The +pen is not writing yet and the paper remains folded. + +PROFESSOR. See what the paper is, and quickly; evidently the dual +influence--his and Grossman's--has produced a perturbation! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [goes out and returns at once] Extraordinary! This +paper is an agreement with some peasants that I refused to sign this +morning and returned to the peasants. Probably _he_ wants me to sign it? + +PROFESSOR. Of course! Of course! But ask him. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Nicholas, do you wish ... + + Tánya knocks twice. + +PROFESSOR. Do you hear? It is quite evident! + + Leoníd Fyódoritch takes the paper and pen and goes out. Tánya + knocks, plays on the guitar and the accordion, and then creeps under + the sofa. Leoníd Fyódoritch returns. Simon stretches himself and + coughs. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. He is waking up. We can light the candles. + +PROFESSOR [hurriedly] Doctor, Doctor, please, his pulse and temperature! +You will see that a rise of both will be apparent. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [lights the candles] Well, what do you gentlemen who +were sceptical think of it now? + +DOCTOR [goes up to Simon and places thermometer] Now then my lad. Well, +have you had a nap? There, put that in there, and give me your hand. +[Looks at his watch]. + +SAHÁTOF [shrugging his shoulders] I must admit that all that has +occurred cannot have been done by the medium. But the thread?... I +should like the thread explained. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. A thread! A thread! We have been witnessing +manifestations more important than a thread. + +SAHÁTOF. I don't know. At all events, _je réserve mon opinion_. + +FAT LADY [to Sahátof] Oh no, how can you say: "_je réserve mon +opinion?_" And the infant with the little wings? Didn't you see? At +first I thought it was only an illusion, but afterwards it became +clearer and clearer, like a live ... + +SAHÁTOF. I can only speak of what I have seen. I did not see +that--nothing of the kind. + +FAT LADY. You don't mean to say so? Why, it was quite plainly visible! +And to the left there was a monk clothed in black bending over it ... + +SAHÁTOF [moves away. Aside] What exaggeration! + +FAT LADY [addressing the Doctor] You must have seen it! It rose up from +your side. + + Doctor goes on counting pulse without heeding her. + +FAT LADY [to Grossman] And that light, the light around it, especially +around its little face! And the expression so mild and tender, something +so heavenly! [Smiles tenderly herself]. + +GROSSMAN. I saw phosphorescent light, and objects changed their places, +but I saw nothing more than that. + +FAT LADY. Don't tell me! You don't mean it! It is simply that you +scientists of Charcot's school do not believe in a life beyond the +grave! As for me, no one could now make me disbelieve in a future +life--no one in the world! + + Grossman moves away from her. + +FAT LADY. No, no, whatever you may say, this is one of the happiest +moments of my life! When I heard Sarasate play, and now.... Yes! [No one +listens to her. She goes up to Simon] Now tell me, my friend, what did +you feel? Was it very trying? + +SIMON [laughs] Yes, ma'm, just so. + +FAT LADY. Still not unendurable? + +SIMON. Just so, ma'm. [To Leoníd Fyódoritch] Am I to go? + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, you may go. + +DOCTOR [to the Professor] The pulse is the same, but the temperature is +lower. + +PROFESSOR. Lower! [Considers awhile, then suddenly divines the +conclusion] It had to be so--it had to descend! The dual influence +crossing had to produce some kind of reflex action. Yes, that's it! + + Exeunt, all talking at once. + + { LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I'm only sorry we had no complete + { materialisation. But still.... Come, gentlemen, let us go to the + { drawing-room? + { + { FAT LADY. What specially struck me was when he flapped his wings, + { and one saw how he rose! + { + { GROSSMAN [to Sahátof] If we had kept to hypnotism, we might have + { produced a thorough state of epilepsy. The success might have been + { complete! + { + { SAHÁTOF. It is very interesting, but not entirely convincing. That + { is all I can say. + + Enter Theodore Ivánitch. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [with paper in his hand] Ah, Theodore, what a +remarkable séance we have had! It turns out that the peasants must have +the land on their own terms. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Dear me! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, indeed. [Showing paper] Fancy, this paper that I +returned to them, suddenly appeared on the table! I have signed it. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. How did it get there? + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, it did get there! [Exit, Theodore Ivánitch +follows him out]. + +TÁNYA [gets from under the sofa and laughs] Oh dear, oh dear! Well, I +did get a fright when he got hold of the thread! [Shrieks] Well, anyhow, +it's all right--he has signed it! + + Enter Gregory. + +GREGORY. So it was you that was fooling them? + +TÁNYA. What business is it of yours? + +GREGORY. And do you think the missis will be pleased with you for it? +No, you bet; you're caught now! I'll tell them what tricks you're up to, +if you don't let me have my way! + +TÁNYA. And you'll not get your way, and you'll not do me any harm! + + + Curtain. + + + + +ACT IV + + The same scene as in Act I. The next day. Two liveried footmen, + Theodore Ivánitch and Gregory. + + +FIRST FOOTMAN [with grey whiskers] Yours is the third house to-day. +Thank goodness that all the at-homes are in this direction. Yours used +to be on Thursdays. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes, we changed to Saturday so as to be on the same +day as the Golóvkins and Grade von Grabes ... + +SECOND FOOTMAN. The Stcherbákofs do the thing well. There's refreshments +for the footmen every time they've a ball. + + The two Princesses, mother and daughter, come down the stairs + accompanied by Betsy. The old Princess looks in her note-book and at + her watch, and sits down on the settle. Gregory puts on her + overshoes. + +YOUNG PRINCESS. Now, do come. Because, if you refuse, and Dodo refuses, +the whole thing will be spoilt. + +BETSY. I don't know. I must certainly go to the Shoúbins. And then there +is the rehearsal. + +YOUNG PRINCESS. You'll have plenty of time. Do, please. _Ne nous fais +pas faux bond._[14] Fédya and Koko will come. + + [14] Do not disappoint us. + +BETSY. _J'en ai par-dessus la tête de votre Koko._[15] + + [15] BETSY. I have more than enough of your Koko. + +YOUNG PRINCESS. I thought I should see him here. _Ordinairement il est +d'une exactitude ..._[16] + + [16] YOUNG PRINCESS. ... He is usually so very punctual ... + +BETSY. He is sure to come. + +YOUNG PRINCESS. When I see you together, it always seems to me that he +has either just proposed or is just going to propose. + +BETSY. Yes, I don't suppose it can be avoided. I shall have to go +through with it. And it is so unpleasant! + +YOUNG PRINCESS. Poor Koko! He is head over ears in love. + +BETSY. _Cessez, les gens!_[17] + + [17] BETSY. Cease; mind the servants! + + Young Princess sits down, talking in whispers. Gregory puts on her + overshoes. + +YOUNG PRINCESS. Well then, good-bye till this evening. + +BETSY. I'll try to come. + +OLD PRINCESS. Then tell your papa that I don't believe in anything of +the kind, but will come to see his new medium. Only he must let me know +when. Good afternoon, _ma toute belle_. [Kisses Betsy, and exit, +followed by her daughter. Betsy goes upstairs]. + +GREGORY. I don't like putting on an old woman's overshoes for her; she +can't stoop, can't see her shoe for her stomach, and keeps poking her +foot in the wrong place. It's different with a young one; it's pleasant +to take her foot in one's hand. + +SECOND FOOTMAN. Hear him! Making distinctions! + +FIRST FOOTMAN. It's not for us footmen to make such distinctions. + +GREGORY. Why shouldn't one make distinctions; are we not men? It's they +think we don't understand! Just now they were deep in their talk, then +they look at me, and at once it's "lay zhon!" + +SECOND FOOTMAN. And what's that? + +GREGORY. Oh, that means, "Don't talk, they understand!" It's the same at +table. But I understand! You say, there's a difference? I say there is +none. + +FIRST FOOTMAN. There is a great difference for those who understand. + +GREGORY. There is none at all. To-day I am a footman, and to-morrow I +may be living no worse than they are. Has it never happened that they've +married footmen? I'll go and have a smoke. [Exit]. + +SECOND FOOTMAN. That's a bold young man you've got. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. A worthless fellow, not fit for service. He used to +be an office boy and has got spoilt. I advised them not to take him, but +the mistress liked him. He looks well on the carriage when they drive +out. + +FIRST FOOTMAN. I should like to send him to our Count; he'd put him in +his place! Oh, he don't like those scatterbrains. "If you're a footman, +be a footman and fulfil your calling." Such pride is not befitting. + + Petrístchef comes running downstairs, and takes out a cigarette. + +PETRÍSTCHEF [deep in thought] Let's see, my second is the same as my +first. Echo, a-co, co-coa. [Enter Koko Klíngen, wearing his pince-nez] +Ko-ko, co-coa. Cocoa tin, where do you spring from? + +KOKO KLÍNGEN. From the Stcherbákofs. You are always playing the fool ... + +PETRÍSTCHEF. No, listen to my charade. My first is the same as my +second, my third may be cracked, my whole is like your pate. + +KOKO KLÍNGEN. I give it up. I've no time. + +PETRÍSTCHEF. Where else are you going? + +KOKO KLÍNGEN. Where? Of course to the Ívins, to practise for the +concert. Then to the Shoúbins, and then to the rehearsal. You'll be +there too, won't you? + +PETRÍSTCHEF. Most certainly. At the re-her-Sall and also at the +re-her-Sarah. Why, at first I was a savage, and now I am both a savage +and a general. + +KOKO KLÍNGEN. How did yesterday's séance go off? + +PETRÍSTCHEF. Screamingly funny! There was a peasant, and above all, it +was all in the dark. Vovo cried like an infant, the Professor defined, +and Márya Vasílevna refined. Such a lark! You ought to have been there. + +KOKO KLÍNGEN. I'm afraid, _mon cher_. You have a way of getting off with +a jest, but I always feel that if I say a word, they'll construe it into +a proposal. _Et ça ne m'arrange pas du tout, du tout. Mais du tout, du +tout!_[18] + + [18] And that won't suit me at all, at all! Not at all, at all! + +PETRÍSTCHEF. Instead of a proposal, make a proposition, and receive a +sentence! Well, I shall go in to Vovo's. If you'll call for me, we can +go to the re-her-Sarah together. + +KOKO KLÍNGEN. I can't think how you can be friends with such a fool. He +is so stupid,--a regular blockhead! + +PETRÍSTCHEF. And I am fond of him. I love Vovo, but ... "with a love so +strange, ne'er towards him the path untrod shall be" ... [Exit into +Vovo's room]. + + Betsy comes down with a Lady. Koko bows significantly to Betsy. + +BETSY [shaking Koko's hand without turning towards him. To Lady] You are +acquainted? + +LADY. No. + +BETSY. Baron Klíngen.... Why were you not here last night? + +KOKO KLÍNGEN. I could not come, I was engaged. + +BETSY. What a pity, it was so interesting! [Laughs] You should have seen +what manifestations we had! Well, how is our charade getting on? + +KOKO KLÍNGEN. Oh, the verses for _mon second_ are ready. Nick composed +the verses, and I the music. + +BETSY. What are they? What are they? Do tell me! + +KOKO KLÍNGEN. Wait a minute; how does it go?... Oh, the knight sings: + + "Oh, _naught_ so beautiful as nature: + The _Nautilus_ sails by. + Oh, _naughty_ lass, oh, _naughty_ lass! + Oh, _nought_, oh _nought_! Oh fie!" + +LADY. I see, my second is "nought," and what is my first? + +KOKO KLÍNGEN. My first is _Aero_, the name of a girl savage. + +BETSY. _Aero_, you see, is a savage who wished to devour the object of +her love. [Laughs] She goes about lamenting, and sings-- + + "My appetite," + +KOKO KLÍNGEN [interrupts]-- + + "How can I fight," ... + +BETSY [chimes in]-- + + "Some one to chew I long. + I seeking go ..." + +KOKO KLÍNGEN-- + + "But even so ..." + +BETSY-- + + "No one to chew can find." + +KOKO KLÍNGEN-- + + "A raft sails by," + +BETSY-- + + "It cometh nigh; + Two generals upon it ..." + +KOKO KLÍNGEN-- + + "Two generals are we: + By fate's hard decree, + To this island we flee." + +And then, the refrain-- + + "By fate's hard decree, + To this island we flee." + +LADY. _Charmant!_ + +BETSY. But just think how silly! + +KOKO KLÍNGEN. Yes, that's the charm of it! + +LADY. And who is to be Aero? + +BETSY. I am. And I have had a costume made, but mamma says it's "not +decent." And it is not a bit less decent than a ball dress. [To Theodore +Ivánitch] Is Bourdier's man here? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes, he is waiting in the kitchen. + +LADY. Well, and how will you represent Aeronaut? + +BETSY. Oh, you'll see. I don't want to spoil the pleasure for you. _Au +revoir._ + +LADY. Good-bye! [They bow. Exit Lady]. + +BETSY [to Koko Klíngen] Come up to mamma. + + Betsy and Koko go upstairs. Jacob enters from servants' quarters, + carrying a tray with teacups, cakes, &c., and goes panting across + the stage. + +JACOB [to the Footmen] How d'you do? How d'you do? [Footmen bow]. + +JACOB [to Theodore Ivánitch] Couldn't you tell Gregory to help a bit! +I'm ready to drop.... [Exit up the stairs]. + +FIRST FOOTMAN. That is a hard-working chap you've got there. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes, a good fellow. But there now--he doesn't satisfy +the mistress, she says his appearance is ungainly. And now they've gone +and told tales about him for letting some peasants into the kitchen +yesterday. It is a bad look-out: they may dismiss him. And he is a good +fellow. + +SECOND FOOTMAN. What peasants were they? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Peasants that had come from our Koursk village to buy +some land. It was night, and they were our fellow-countrymen, one of +them the father of the butler's assistant. Well, so they were asked into +the kitchen. It so happened that there was thought-reading going on. +Something was hidden in the kitchen, and all the gentlefolk came down, +and the mistress saw the peasants. There was such a row! "How is this," +she says; "these people may be infected, and they are let into the +kitchen!" ... She is terribly afraid of this infection. + + Enter Gregory. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Gregory, you go and help Jacob. I'll stay here. He +can't manage alone. + +GREGORY. He's awkward, that's why he can't manage. [Exit]. + +FIRST FOOTMAN. And what is this new mania they have got? This +infection!... So yours also is afraid of it? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. She fears it worse than fire! Our chief business, +nowadays, is fumigating, washing, and sprinkling. + +FIRST FOOTMAN. I see. That's why there is such a stuffy smell here. +[With animation] I don't know what we're coming to with these infection +notions. It's just detestable! They seem to have forgotten the Lord. +There's our master's sister, Princess Mosolóva, her daughter was dying +and, will you believe it, neither father nor mother would come near her! +So she died without their having taken leave of her. And the daughter +cried, and called them to say good-bye--but they didn't go! The doctor +had discovered some infection or other! And yet their own maid and a +trained nurse were with her, and nothing happened to them; they're still +alive! + + Enter Vasíly Leoníditch and Petrístchef from Vasíly Leoníditch's + room, smoking cigarettes. + +PETRÍSTCHEF. Come along then, only I must take Koko--Cocoanut, with me. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Your Koko is a regular dolt; I can't bear him. A +hare-brained fellow, a regular gad-about! Without any kind of +occupation, eternally loafing around! Eh, what? + +PETRÍSTCHEF. Well, anyhow, wait a bit, I must say good-bye. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. All right. And I will go and look at my dogs in the +coachman's room. I've got a dog there that's so savage, the coachman +said, he nearly ate him. + +PETRÍSTCHEF. Who ate whom? Did the coachman really eat the dog? + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. You are always at it! [Puts on outdoor things and +goes out]. + +PETRÍSTCHEF [thoughtfully] Ma-kin-tosh, Co-co-tin.... Let's see. [Goes +upstairs]. + + Jacob runs across the stage. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What's the matter? + +JACOB. There is no more thin bread and butter. I said ... [Exit]. + +SECOND FOOTMAN. And then our master's little son fell ill, and they sent +him at once to an hotel with his nurse, and there he died without his +mother. + +FIRST FOOTMAN. They don't seem to fear sin! _I_ think you cannot escape +from God anywhere. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. That's what I think. + + Jacob runs upstairs with bread and butter. + +FIRST FOOTMAN. One should consider too, that if we are to be afraid of +everybody like that, we'd better shut ourselves up within four walls, as +in a prison, and stick there! + + Enter Tánya; she bows to the Footmen. + +TÁNYA. Good afternoon. + + Footmen bow. + +TÁNYA. Theodore Ivánitch, I have a word to say to you. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, what? + +TÁNYA. The peasants have come again, Theodore Ivánitch ... + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well? I gave the paper to Simon. + +TÁNYA. I have given them the paper. They were that grateful! I can't say +how! Now they only ask you to take the money. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. But where are they? + +TÁNYA. Here, by the porch. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. All right, I'll tell the master. + +TÁNYA. I have another request to you, dear Theodore Ivánitch. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What now? + +TÁNYA. Why, don't you see, Theodore Ivánitch, I can't remain here any +longer. Ask them to let me go. + + Enter Jacob, running. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH [to Jacob] What d'you want? + +JACOB. Another samovár, and oranges. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Ask the housekeeper. + + Exit Jacob. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH [to Tánya] How is that? + +TÁNYA. Why, don't you see, my position is such ... + +JACOB [runs in] There are not enough oranges. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Serve up as many as you've got [Exit Jacob]. Now's +not the time! Just see what a bustle we are in. + +TÁNYA. But you know yourself, Theodore Ivánitch, there is no end to this +bustle; one might wait for ever--you know yourself--and my affair is for +life.... Dear Theodore Ivánitch, you have done me a good turn, be a +father to me now, choose the right moment and tell her, or else she'll +get angry and won't let me have my passport.[19] + + [19] Employers have charge of the servants' passports, and in this way + have a hold on them in case of misconduct. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Where's the hurry? + +TÁNYA. Why, Theodore Ivánitch, it's all settled now.... And I could go +to my godmother's and get ready, and then after Easter we'd get +married.[20] Do tell her, dear Theodore Ivánitch! + + [20] See footnote, p. 28. It is customary for peasants to marry just + after Easter, but when spring has come and the field work begun, no + marriages take place among them till autumn. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Go away--this is not the place. + + An elderly Gentleman comes downstairs, puts on overcoat, and goes + out followed by the Second Footman. + + Exit Tánya. Enter Jacob. + +JACOB. Just fancy, Theodore Ivánitch, it's too bad! She wants to +discharge me now! She says, "You break everything, and forget Frisk, and +you let the peasants into the kitchen against my orders!" And you know +very well that I knew nothing about it. Tatyána told me, "Take them into +the kitchen"; how could I tell whose order it was? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Did the mistress speak to you? + +JACOB. She's just spoken. Do speak up for me, Theodore Ivánitch! You +see, my people in the country are only just getting on their feet, and +suppose I lose my place, when shall I get another? Theodore Ivánitch, +do, please! + + Anna Pávlovna comes down with the old Countess, whom she is seeing + off. The Countess has false teeth and hair. The First Footman helps + the Countess into her outdoor things. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Oh, most certainly, of course! I am so deeply touched. + +COUNTESS. If it were not for my illness, I should come oftener to see +you. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. You should really consult Peter Petróvitch. He is rough, +but nobody can soothe one as he does. He is so clear, so simple. + +COUNTESS. Oh no, I shall keep to the one I am used to. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Pray, take care of yourself. + +COUNTESS. _Merci, mille fois merci._[21] + + [21] COUNTESS. Thank you (for your hospitality), a thousand thanks. + + Gregory, dishevelled and excited, jumps out from the servants' + quarters. Simon appears behind him in the doorway. + +SIMON. You'd better leave her alone! + +GREGORY. You rascal! I'll teach you how to fight, you scamp, you! + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What do you mean? Do you think you are in a public-house? + +GREGORY. This coarse peasant makes life impossible for me. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA [provoked] You've lost your senses. Don't you see? [To +Countess] _Merci, mille fois merci. A mardi!_[22] + + [22] ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Thank you (for coming to see us), a thousand + thanks. Till next Tuesday! + + Exeunt Countess and First Footman. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA [to Gregory] What is the meaning of this? + +GREGORY. Though I do occupy the position of a footman, still I won't +allow every peasant to hit me; I have my pride too. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Why, what has happened? + +GREGORY. Why, this Simon of yours has got so brave, sitting with the +gentlemen, that he wants to fight! + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Why? What for? + +GREGORY. Heaven only knows! + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA [to Simon] What is the meaning of it? + +SIMON. Why does he bother her? + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What has happened? + +SIMON [smiles] Well, you see, he is always catching hold of Tánya, the +lady's-maid, and she won't have it. Well, so I just moved him aside a +bit, just so, with my hand. + +GREGORY. A nice little bit! He's almost caved my ribs in, and has torn +my dress-coat, and he says, "The same power as came over me yesterday +comes on me again," and he begins to squeeze me. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA [to Simon] How dare you fight in my house? + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. May I explain it to you, ma'am? I must tell you Simon +is not indifferent to Tánya, and is engaged to her. And Gregory--one +must admit the truth--does not behave properly, nor honestly, to her. +Well, so I suppose Simon got angry with him. + +GREGORY. Not at all! It is all his spite, because I have discovered +their trickery. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What trickery? + +GREGORY. Why, at the séance. All those things, last night,--it was not +Simon but Tánya who did them! I saw her getting out from under the sofa +with my own eyes. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What is that? From under the sofa? + +GREGORY. I give you my word of honour. And it was she who threw the +paper on the table. If it had not been for her the paper would not have +been signed, nor the land sold to the peasants. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. And you saw it yourself? + +GREGORY. With my own eyes. Shall I call her? She'll not deny it. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Yes, call her. + + Exit Gregory. + + Noise behind the scenes. The voice of the Doorkeeper, "No, no, you + cannot." Doorkeeper is seen at the front door, the three Peasants + rush in past him, the Second Peasant first; the Third one stumbles, + falls on his nose, and catches hold of it. + +DOORKEEPER. You must not go in! + +SECOND PEASANT. Where's the harm? We are not doing anything wrong. We +only wish to pay the money! + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just it; as by laying on the signature the affair +is come to a conclusion, we only wish to make payment with thanks. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Wait a bit with your thanks. It was all done by fraud! It +is not settled yet. Not sold yet.... Leoníd.... Call Leoníd Fyódoritch. +[Exit Doorkeeper]. + + Leoníd Fyódoritch enters, but, seeing his wife and the Peasants, + wishes to retreat. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. No, no, come here, please! I told you the land must not +be sold on credit, and everybody told you so, but you let yourself be +deceived like the veriest blockhead. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. How? I don't understand who is deceiving? + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. You ought to be ashamed of yourself! You have grey hair, +and you let yourself be deceived and laughed at like a silly boy. You +grudge your son some three hundred roubles which his social position +demands, and let yourself be tricked of thousands--like a fool! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Now come, Annette, try to be calm. + +FIRST PEASANT. We are only come about the acceptation of the sum, for +example ... + +THIRD PEASANT [taking out the money] Let us finish the matter, for +Christ's sake! + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Wait, wait! + + Enter Tánya and Gregory. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA [angrily] You were in the small drawing-room during the +séance last night? + + Tánya looks round at Theodore Ivánitch, Leoníd Fyódoritch, and + Simon, and sighs. + +GREGORY. It's no use beating about the bush; I saw you myself ... + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Tell me, were you there? I know all about it, so you'd +better confess! I'll not do anything to you. I only want to expose him +[pointing to Leoníd Fyódoritch] your master.... Did you throw the paper +on the table? + +TÁNYA. I don't know how to answer. Only one thing,--let me go home. + + Enter Betsy unobserved. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA [to Leoníd Fyódoritch] There, you see! You are being made +a fool of. + + [Illustration: FRUITS OF CULTURE. ACT IV. + + ANNA PÁVLOVNA. There, you see! You are being made a fool of.] + +TÁNYA. Let me go home, Anna Pávlovna! + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. No, my dear! You may have caused us a loss of thousands +of roubles. Land has been sold that ought not to be sold! + +TÁNYA. Let me go, Anna Pávlovna! + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. No; you'll have to answer for it! Such tricks won't do. +We'll have you up before the Justice of the Peace! + +BETSY [comes forward] Let her go, mamma. Or, if you wish to have her +tried, you must have me tried too! She and I did it together. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Well, of course, if _you_ have a hand in anything, what +can one expect but the very worst results! + + Enter the Professor. + +PROFESSOR. How do you do, Anna Pávlovna? How do you do, Miss Betsy? +Leoníd Fyódoritch, I have brought you a report of the Thirteenth +Congress of Spiritualists at Chicago. An amazing speech by Schmidt! + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Oh, that is interesting! + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I will tell you something much more interesting! It turns +out that both you and my husband were fooled by this girl! Betsy takes +it on herself, but that is only to annoy me. It was an illiterate +peasant girl who fooled you, and you believed it all. There were no +mediumistic phenomena last night; it was she [pointing to Tánya] who did +it! + +PROFESSOR [taking off his overcoat] What do you mean? + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I mean that it was she who, in the dark, played on the +guitar and beat my husband on the head and performed all your idiotic +tricks--and she has just confessed! + +PROFESSOR [smiling] What does that prove? + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. It proves that your mediumism is--tomfoolery; that's what +it proves! + +PROFESSOR. Because this young girl wished to deceive, we are to conclude +that mediumism is "tomfoolery," as you are pleased to express it? +[Smiles] A curious conclusion! Very possibly this young girl may have +wished to deceive: that often occurs. She may even have done something; +but then, what she did--_she_ did. But the manifestations of mediumistic +energy still remain manifestations of _mediumistic_ energy! It is even +very probable that what this young girl did, evoked (and so to say +solicited) the manifestation of mediumistic energy,--giving it a +definite form. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Another lecture! + +PROFESSOR [sternly] You say, Anna Pávlovna, that this girl, and perhaps +this dear young lady also, did something; but the light we all saw, and, +in the first case the fall, and in the second the rise of temperature, +and Grossman's excitement and vibration--were those things also done by +this girl? And these are facts, Anna Pávlovna, facts! No! Anna +Pávlovna, there are things which must be investigated and fully +understood before they can be talked about, things too serious, too +serious ... + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. And the child that Márya Vasílevna distinctly saw? +Why, I saw it too.... That could not have been done by this girl. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. You think yourself wise, but you are--a fool. + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, I'm going.... Alexéy Vladímiritch, will you +come? [Exit into his study]. + +PROFESSOR [shrugging his shoulders, follows] Oh, how far, how far, we +still lag behind Western Europe! + + Enter Jacob. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA [following Leoníd Fyódoritch with her eyes] He has been +tricked like a fool, and he sees nothing! [To Jacob] What do you want? + +JACOB. How many persons am I to lay the table for? + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. For how many?... Theodore Ivánitch! Let him give up the +silver plate to you. Be off, at once! It is all his fault! This man will +bring me to my grave. Last night he nearly starved the dog that had done +him no harm! And, as if that were not enough, he lets the infected +peasants into the kitchen, and now they are here again! It is all his +fault! Be off at once! Discharge him, discharge him! [To Simon] And you, +horrid peasant, if you dare to have rows in my house again, I'll teach +you! + +SECOND PEASANT. All right, if he is a horrid peasant there's no good +keeping him; you'd better discharge him too, and there's an end of it. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA [while listening to him looks at Third Peasant] Only look! +Why, he has a rash on his nose--a rash! He is ill; he is a hotbed of +infection!! Did I not give orders, yesterday, that they were not to be +allowed into the house, and here they are again? Drive them out! + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Then are we not to accept their money? + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Their money? Oh yes, take their money; but they must be +turned out at once, especially this one! He is quite rotten! + +THIRD PEASANT. That's not just, lady. God's my witness, it's not just! +You'd better ask my old woman, let's say, whether I am rotten! I'm clear +as crystal, let's say. + +ANNA PÁVLOVNA. He talks!... Off, off with him! It's all to spite me!... +Oh, I can't bear it, I can't!... Send for the doctor! [Runs away, +sobbing. Exit also Jacob and Gregory]. + +TÁNYA [to Betsy] Miss Elizabeth, darling, what am I to do now? + +BETSY. Never mind, you go with them and I'll arrange it all. [Exit]. + +FIRST PEASANT. Well, your reverence, how about the reception of the sum +now? + +SECOND PEASANT. Let us settle up, and go. + +THIRD PEASANT [fumbling with the packet of bank-notes] Had I known, I'd +not have come for the world. It's worse than a fever! + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH [to Doorkeeper] Show them into my room. There's a +counting-board there. I'll receive their money. Now go. + +DOORKEEPER. Come along. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. And it's Tánya you have to thank for it. But for her +you'd not have had the land. + +FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. As she made the proposal, so she put it +into effect. + +THIRD PEASANT. She's made men of us. Else what were we? We had so little +land, no room to let a hen out, let's say, not to mention the cattle. +Good-bye, dear! When you get to the village, come to us and eat honey. + +SECOND PEASANT. Let me get home and I'll start brewing the beer for the +wedding! You will come? + +TÁNYA. Yes, I'll come, I'll come! [Shrieks] Simon, this is fine, isn't +it? [Exeunt Peasants]. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, Tánya, when you have your house I'll come to +visit you. Will you welcome me? + +TÁNYA. Dear Theodore Ivánitch, just the same as we would our own father! +[Embraces and kisses him]. + + + Curtain. + + + END OF "FRUITS OF CULTURE." + + + + +[ Transcriber's Note: + + The following is a list of corrections made to the original. The first + line is the original line, the second the corrected one. + +ALEXÉY VLADÍMIROVITCH KROUGOSVÉTLOF. A professor and scientist of about +ALEXÉY VLADÍMIRITCH KROUGOSVÉTLOF. A professor and scientist of about + +THE FAT LADY: MÁRYA VASÍLYEVNA TOLBOÚHINA. A very distinguished, rich, +THE FAT LADY: MÁRYA VASÍLEVNA TOLBOÚHINA. A very distinguished, rich, + +PETRÍSTCHEF. Nothing. I only say, get some at any cost I will wait. +PETRÍSTCHEF. Nothing. I only say, get some at any cost. I will wait. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Then pay up and don't be stingy [To Theodore +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Then pay up and don't be stingy. [To Theodore + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. What d'you think, Theodore Ivanítch, is he flush of +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. What d'you think, Theodore Ivánitch, is he flush of + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I don't know. I hardly think so, But what does it +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I don't know. I hardly think so. But what does it + +COACHMAN. They'd better be brought here to Loukérya +COACHMAN. They'd better be brought here to Loukérya. + +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Excuse me a moment. [To Servants Cook] Where are the +VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Excuse me a moment. [To Servants' Cook] Where are the + +do it out of spite. .. I turn them out from there, and they bring them +do it out of spite.... I turn them out from there, and they bring them + +too!. . [Exit, sobbing, followed by Leoníd Fyódoritch]. +too!... [Exit, sobbing, followed by Leoníd Fyódoritch]. + +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Then, I'll tell you what . . +THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Then, I'll tell you what ... + +PETRÍSTCHEF [trembles] Oh, I'm afraid, I'm afraid! Márya Konstantínova, +PETRÍSTCHEF [trembles] Oh, I'm afraid, I'm afraid! Márya Konstantínovna, + +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, it did get there! [Exit Theodore Ivánitch +LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, it did get there! [Exit, Theodore Ivánitch + + "A raft sails by,' + "A raft sails by," +] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Fruits of Culture, by Leo Tolstoy + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FRUITS OF CULTURE *** + +***** This file should be named 26663-8.txt or 26663-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/6/6/26663/ + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Jana Srna and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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