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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 02:32:14 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 02:32:14 -0700 |
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diff --git a/26668-h/26668-h.htm b/26668-h/26668-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..df107d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/26668-h/26668-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,8670 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Strange Adventures of Captain Dangerous, Vol. II, by George Augustus Sala. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p {margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + text-indent: 1.25em; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + img {border: 0;} + .tnote {border: dashed 1px; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; padding-bottom: .5em; padding-top: .5em; + padding-left: .5em; padding-right: .5em;} + ins {text-decoration:none; border-bottom: thin dotted gray;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + } + + table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} + + body{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; + } /* page numbers */ + .copyright {text-align: center; font-size: 70%;} + .blockquot{margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 10%; text-align: justify;} + + .bbox {border: solid 2px; margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; padding-bottom: .5em; padding-top: .5em; + padding-left: .5em; padding-right: .5em;} + + .center {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .caption {font-weight: bold;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} + + .figleft {float: left; clear: left; margin-left: 0; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: + 1em; margin-right: 1em; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .figright {float: right; clear: right; margin-left: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em; + margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .unindent {margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + .right {text-align: right;} + .poem {margin-left: 30%; margin-right: 10%; text-align: left;} + .poem2 {margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 10%; text-align: left;} + .sig {margin-right: 10%; text-align: right;} + .u {text-decoration: underline;} + .linenum {position: absolute; top: auto; left: 4%;} /* poetry number */ + .sidenote {width: 20%; padding-bottom: .5em; padding-top: .5em; + padding-left: .5em; padding-right: .5em; margin-left: 1em; + float: right; clear: right; margin-top: 1em; + font-size: smaller; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: dashed 1px;} + + .footnotes {border: dashed 1px;} + .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + .fnanchor {vertical-align:baseline; + position: relative; + bottom: 0.33em; + font-size: .8em; + text-decoration: none;} + .hang1 {text-indent: -3em; margin-left: 3em;} + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Strange Adventures of Captain +Dangerous, Vol. 2 of 3, by George Augustus Sala + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Strange Adventures of Captain Dangerous, Vol. 2 of 3 + Who was a sailor, a soldier, a merchant, a spy, a slave + among the moors... + +Author: George Augustus Sala + +Release Date: September 19, 2008 [EBook #26668] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN DANGEROUS, VOL. 2 OF 3 *** + + + + +Produced by Robert Cicconetti, Emmy and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +book was produced from scanned images of public domain +material from the Google Print project.) + + + + + + +</pre> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_i" id="Page_i">[i]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE STRANGE ADVENTURES</h2> + +<h3>OF</h3> + +<h1>CAPTAIN DANGEROUS:</h1> + +<h3> +WHO WAS A SOLDIER, A SAILOR, A MERCHANT, A SPY, A SLAVE<br /> +AMONG THE MOORS, A BASHAW IN THE SERVICE<br /> +OF THE GRAND TURK,<br /> +<br /> +AND<br /> +<br /> +<b>Died at last in his own House in Hanover Square.</b><br /></h3> +<div class='center'><br /><br /><br /> +A NARRATIVE IN OLD-FASHIONED ENGLISH.<br /> +<br /> +ATTEMPTED BY<br /></div> +<h2>GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA.</h2> +<div class='center'><br /><br /> +<br /> +IN THREE VOLUMES.<br /> +<br /> +VOL. II.<br /> +<br /> +<br /><br /><br /> +LONDON:<br /> +TINSLEY BROTHERS, 18, CATHERINE STREET, STRAND.<br /> +1863.<br /> +<br /> +[<small><i>The right of Translation is reserved.</i></small>]<br /></div> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_ii" id="Page_ii">[ii]</a></span></p> + + + + +<div class='copyright'> +LONDON:<br /> +SAVILL AND EDWARDS, PRINTERS, CHANDOS STREET,<br /> +COVENT GARDEN.<br /></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_iii" id="Page_iii">[iii]</a></span></p> + +<h2>CONTENTS OF VOL. II.</h2> + + +<div class='center'> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="Contents"> +<tr><td align='left'> </td><td align='right'><small>PAGE</small></td></tr> +<tr><td align='center' colspan='2'>CHAPTER THE FIRST.</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>OF SUNDRY MY ADVENTURES FROM THE TIME OF MY GOING ABROAD UNTIL MY COMING TO MAN'S ESTATE (WHICH WAS ALL THE ESTATE I HAD)</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_1">1</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='center' colspan='2'><br />CHAPTER THE SECOND.</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>OF MY OTHER ADVENTURES UNTIL MY COMING TO BE A MAN</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_50">50</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='center' colspan='2'><br />CHAPTER THE THIRD.</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>OF WHAT BEFEL ME IN THE LOW COUNTRIES</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_87">87</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='center' colspan='2'><br />CHAPTER THE FOURTH.</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>I MAKE THE GRAND TOUR, AND ACQUIRE SOME KNOWLEDGE OF THE POLITE WORLD</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_120">120</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='center' colspan='2'><br />CHAPTER THE FIFTH.</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>OF THE MANNER IN WHICH I CAME TO THE FAMOUS CITY OF PARIS</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_164">164</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='center' colspan='2'><br />CHAPTER THE SIXTH.</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_iv" id="Page_iv">[iv]</a></span>OF PARIS (BY THE WAY OF THE PRISON AT VIENNA) AND OF MY COMING BACK FOR A SEASON TO MY OWN COUNTRY, WHERE MY MASTER, THE CHAPLAIN, AND I PART COMPANY</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_187">187</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='center' colspan='2'><br />CHAPTER THE SEVENTH.</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>OF CERTAIN TICKLISH UPS AND DOWNS IN MY LIFE: AMONGST OTHERS OF MY BEING PRESSED FOR SERVICE IN THE FLEET</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_206">206</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='center' colspan='2'><br />CHAPTER THE EIGHTH.</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>JOHN DANGEROUS IS IN THE SERVICE OF KING GEORGE</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_241">241</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='center' colspan='2'><br />CHAPTER THE NINTH.</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>REBELLION IS MADE AN END OF, AND AFTER SOME FURTHER SERVICE WITH HIS MAJESTY I GO INTO BUSINESS ON MY OWN ACCOUNT</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_283">283</a></td></tr> +</table></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[1]</a></span></p> +<h3>THE STRANGE ADVENTURES</h3> + +<h4>OF</h4> + +<h2>CAPTAIN DANGEROUS.</h2> + +<div class='center'><b>A Narrative in Old fashioned English.</b></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIRST.</h2> + +<h3>OF SUNDRY MY ADVENTURES FROM THE TIME OF MY +GOING ABROAD UNTIL MY COMING TO MAN'S ESTATE +(WHICH WAS ALL THE ESTATE I HAD).</h3> + + + +<div class='unindent'><span class="smcap">A Strange</span> Nursing-mother—rather a Stepmother +of the Stoniest sort—was this Sir +Basil Hopwood, Knight and Alderman of +London, that contracted with the Government +to take us Transports abroad. Sure +there never was a man, on this side the land +of Horseleeches, that was so Hungry after +money. Yet was his avarice not of the +kind practised by old Audley, the money-scrivener<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[2]</a></span> +of the Commonwealth's time; or +Hopkins, the wretch that saved candles' ends +and yet had a thousand wax-lights blazing +at his Funeral; or Guy the Bookseller, that +founded the Hospital in Southwark; or even +old John Elwes, Esquire, the admired Miser +of these latter days. Sir Basil Hopwood +was the rather of the same complexion of +Entrails with that Signor Volpone whom +we have all seen—at least such of us as be +old Boys—in Ben Jonson's play of the <i>Fox</i>. +He Money-grubbed, and Money-clutched, +and Money-wrung, ay, and in a manner +Money-stole, that he might live largely, and +ruffle it among his brother Cits in surpassing +state and splendour. He had been Lord +Mayor; and on his Show-day the Equipments +of chivalry had been more Sumptuous, +the Banners more varied, the Entertainment +at Saddlers' Hall,—where the Lord +Mayor was wont to hold his Feast before +the present Mansion House was built, the +ancient Guildhall in King Street being then +but in an ill condition for banquet,—Hopwood's +Entertainment, I say, had been more<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span> +plentifully provided with Marrowbones, Custards, +Ruffs and Reeves, Baked Cygnets, +Malmsey, Canary, and Hippocras, than had +ever been known since the days of the Merry +Mayor, who swore that King Charles the +Second should take t'other bottle. He was +a Parliament man, too, and had a Borough +in his Pocket, for the which he kept a Warming-Pan +member,—more's the shame,—besides +one to serve him as a cushion to sit on.</div> + +<p>This enormously rich man had a fine +House in Bishopsgate Street, with as many +rogues in blue liveries as a Rotterdam Syndic +that has made three good ventures in +Java. When we poor wretches, chained +together, had been brought up in Carts from +Aylesbury to London, on our way to be +Embarked, nothing would serve this Haughty +and Purse-proud Citizen but that our ragged +Regiment must halt before his peddling +Palace; and there the varlets in blue that +attended upon him brought us out Loaves +and Cheese, and Blackjacks full of two-thread +Beer, which, with many disdainful gestures +and uncivil words, they offered to our<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span> +famished lips. And my Lady Hopwood, +and the fine Madams her daughters,—all +laced and furbelowed, and with widows' and +orphans' tears, and the blood-drops of +crimped seamen and kidnapped children, +twinkling in their Stomachers for gems,—were +all set at their Bowery window, a +pudding-fed Chaplain standing bowing and +smirking behind them, and glozing in their +ears no doubt Praises of their exceeding +Charity and Humanity to wretches such as +we were. But this Charity, Jack, says I to +myself, is not of the Shapcott sort, and is +but base metal after all. My troth, but we +wanted the Bread and Cheese and Swipes; +for we had had neither Bite nor Sup since +we left Aylesbury Gaol seven-and-twenty +hours agone. So, after a while, and the mob +hallooing at us for Gallows-birds, and some +Ruffians about the South-Sea House pelting +us with stones,—for Luck, as they said,—we +were had over London Bridge,—where +with dreadful admiration I viewed the Heads +and Quarters of Traitors, all shimmering in +the coat of pitch i' the Sun over the North<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span> +Turret,—and were bestowed for the night in +the Borough Clink. And hither we were +pursued by the Alderman's Agents, who +straightway began to drive Unholy Bargains +with those among us that had Money. Now +'twas selling them Necessaries for the +voyage at exorbitant rates; or promising +them, for cash in hand, to deliver them +Luxuries, such as Tobacco, playing-cards, +and strong waters, at the Port of Embarkation. +Now 'twas substituting Light for +Heavy Fetters, if the Heaviness could be +Assuaged by Gold; and sometimes even +negotiations were carried so far as for the +convicted persons to give Drafts of Exchange, +to be honoured by their Agents in London, +so soon as word came from the Plantations +that they had been placed in Tolerable +Servitude, instead of Agonising Slavery. +For although there was then, as there is +now, a convenient Fiction that a Felon's +goods became at once forfeit to the Crown, +I never yet knew a Felon (and I have known +many) that felt ever so little difficulty in +keeping his property, if he had any, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span> +disposing of it according to his own Good +Will and Pleasure.</p> + +<p>The Head Gaoler of the Borough Clink—I +know not how his Proper official title +ran—was a colonel in the Foot Guards, who +lived in Jermyn Street, St. James's, and +transacted most of his High and Mighty +business either at Poingdestre's Ordinary in +St. Alban's Place, or at White's Chocolate +House, to say naught of the Rose, or the +Key in Chandos Street. Much, truly, did +he concern himself about his unhappy Captives. +His place was a Patent one, and was +worth to him about Fifteen Hundred a year, +at which sum it was farmed by Sir Basil +Hopwood; who, in his turn, on the principle +that "'tis scurvy money that won't stick to +your fingers," underlet the place to a Company +of Four Rogues, who gave him Two +Thousand for that, which they managed to +swell into at least Three for themselves by +squeezing of Poor Prisoners, and the like +crying Injustices. 'Twas Aylesbury Gaol +over again, with the newest improvements +and the Humours of the Town added to it.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span> +So, when Sir Basil Hopwood took up a cargo +of cast persons for Transportation, his underlings +of the Borough Clink were only +too glad to harbour them for a night or +two, making a pretty profit out of the poor +creatures. For all which, I doubt it not, +Sir Basil Hopwood and his scoundrelly +Myrmidons are, at this instant moment, +Howling.</p> + +<p>This place was a prison for Debtors as well +as Criminals, and was to the full as Foul as +the Tophet-pit at Aylesbury yonder. I +had not been there half an hour before a +Lively companion of a Gentleman Cutpurse, +with a wrench at my kerchief, a twist at +my arm (which nearly Broke it in twain), +and a smart Blow under my Lower Jaw, +robs me of the packet of comforts (clothing, +pressed beef, sugar, comfits, and the +like) which my kind friends at Aylesbury +had given me. The Rascal comes to me a +few minutes afterwards with a packet of +Soap and a Testament, which he had taken +from my Bundle, and returns them to me +with a Grin, telling me that it was long<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span> +since his Body had felt need of the one or +his Soul of the other. And yet I think +they would have profited considerably (pending +a Right Cord) by the application of +Both. So I in a corner, to moan and whimper +at my Distressed condition.</p> + +<p>A sad Sunday I spent in the Clink,—'twas +on the Monday we were to start,—although, +to some other of my companions, +the Time passed jovially enough. For very +many of the Relations and Friends of the +Detained Persons came to visit them, bringing +them money, victuals, clothing, and +other Refreshments. 'Twas on this day +I heard that one of us, who was cast for +Forgery, had been offered a Free Pardon +if he could lodge Five Hundred Pounds in +the hands of a Person who had Great Influence +near a Great Man.</p> + +<p>Late on the Sunday afternoon, Sir Basil +Hopwood came down in his coach, and with +his chaplain attendant on him. We Convicts +were all had to the Grate, for the +Knight and Alderman would not venture +further in, for fear of the Gaol Fever; and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span> +he makes us a Fine Speech about the King's +Mercy,—which I deny not,—and his own +Infinite Goodness in providing for us in a +Foreign Land. The which I question. +Then he told us how we were to be very +civil and obedient on the voyage to those +who were set over us, refraining from cursing, +swearing, gaming, or singing of profane +songs, on pain of immediate and smart chastisement; +and having said this, and the +chaplain having given us his Benediction, +he gat him gone, and we were rid of so +much Rapacious and Luxurious Hypocrisy. +We lay in the yard that night, wrapped in +such extra Garments as some of us were +Fortunate enough to have; and I sobbed +myself to sleep, wishing, I well remember, +that it might never be Day again, but that +my Sorrows might all be closed in by the +Merciful Curtain of Eternal Night.</p> + +<p>So on the Monday morning we were +driven down—a body of Sir Basil Hopwood's +own company of the Trainbands guarding +us—to Shayler's Stairs, near unto the church +of St. Mary Overy; and there—we were in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span> +number about a hundred—put on board a +Hoy, which straightway, the tide being toward, +bore down the river for Gravesend.</p> + +<p>By this time I found that, almost insensibly, +as it were, I had become separated +from my old companions the Blacks, and +that I was more than ever Alone. The +greatest likelihood is, that Authority deemed +it advisable to break up, for good and all, +the Formidable Confederacy they had laid +hold of, and to prevent those Dangerous +Men from ever again making Head together. +But my whole Life was but a kind +of Shifting and uncertain Vision, and I took +little note of the personages with whom I +came in contact, till looking around me, in +a dull listlessness about the Hoy, I found +myself, cheek by jowl, with a motley crew, +seemingly picked up hap-hazard from all the +gaols in England. But 'twas all one to me, +and I did not much care. Such a Stupor of +Misery came over me, that for a time I +almost forgot my good Quaker Friends, and +the lessons they had taught me; that I felt +myself once more drifting into being a dangerous<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span> +little brute; and that seeing the +Master of the Hoy, a thirsty-looking man, +lifting a great stone-bottle to his lips, I +longed to serve him as I had served Corporal +Foss with the demijohn of Brandy in +the upper chamber of the Stag o' Tyne.</p> + +<p>We landed not at Gravesend, but were +forthwith removed to a bark called <i>The +Humane Hopwood</i>, in compliment, I suppose, +to Sir Basil, and which, after lying three +days in the Downs, put into Deal to complete +her complement of Unfortunate Persons. +And I remember that, before making +Deal, we saw a stranded Brig on the Goodwins, +which was said to be a Leghorner, +very rich with oils and silks; round which +were gathered—just as you may see obscene +Birds of Prey gathered round a dead carcass, +and picking the Flesh from its bones—at +least a score of luggers belonging to the +Deal Boatmen. These worthies had knocked +holes in the hull of the wreck, and were +busily hauling out packages and casks into +their craft, coming to blows sometimes with +axes and marlin-spikes as to who should<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span> +have the Biggest Booty. And it was said +on Board that they would not unfrequently +decoy by false signals, or positively haul, a +vessel in distress on to those same Goodwins,—in +whose fatal depths so many tall +Ships lie Engulfed,—in order to have the +Plunder of her, which was more profitable +than the Salvage, that being in the long-run +mostly swallowed up by the Crimps and +Longshore Lawyers of Deal and other Ports, +who were wont to buy the Boatmen's rights +at a Ruinous Discount. Salvage Men, indeed, +these Boatmen might well be called; +for when I was young it was their manner +to act with an extreme of Savage Barbarity, +thinking far less of saving Human Life than +of clutching at the waifs and strays of a +Rich Cargo. And then up would sheer a +Custom-House cutter or a Revenue Pink, +the skipper and his crew fierce in their Defence +of the Laws of the Land, the Admiralty +Droits, and their own twentieths; and +from Hard blows with fists and spikes, matters +would often come to the arbitrament of +cutlasses and firearms; so that naval Engagements<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span> +of a Miniature kind have often +raged between the Deal Boatmen and the +King's Officers. Surely the world was a Hard +and a Cruel and a Brutal one, when I was +young—bating the Poor-Laws, which were +more merciful than at present; for now that +I am old the Gazettes are full of the Tender +Valour and Merciful Devotion of the Deal +Boatmen, who, in the most tempestuous +weather, will leave their warm beds, their +wives and bairns, and put off, with the Sea +running mountains high, to rescue Distraught +Vessels and the Precious Lives that +are within them. The Salvage Men of my +time were brave enough, but they were likewise +unconscionable rogues.</p> + +<p>The wind proved false to us at Deal, and +we had to wait a weary ten days there. +Captain Handsell was our commander. He +was a man who knew but one course of proceeding. +'Twas always a word and a blow +with him. By the same token the blow +generally came first, and the word that followed +was sure to be a bad one. The Captain +of a Ship, from a Fishing Smack to a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span> +Three-Decker, was in those days a cruel and +merciless Despot. 'Twas only the size of +his ship and the number of his Equipage +that decided the question whether he was to +be a Petty Tyrant or a Tremendous One. +His Empire was as undisputed as that of a +Schoolmaster. Who was to gainsay him? +To whom, at Sea, could his victims appeal? +To the Sharks and Grampuses, the Dolphins +and the Bonettas? He was privileged to +beat, to fetter, to starve, to kick, to curse +his Seamen. Even his Passengers trembled +at the sight of this Bashaw of Bluewater; +for he had Irons and Rations of Mouldy +Biscuit for them too, if they offended him; +and many a Beautiful and Haughty Lady +paying full cabin-passage has bowed down +before the wrath of a vulgar Skipper, who, +at home, she would have thought unworthy +to Black her Shoes, and who would be +seething in the revelry of a Tavern in +Rotherhithe, while she would be footing it +in the Saloons of St. James's. Yet for a +little time, at the outset of his voyage, the +Skipper had his superior; the Bashaw had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span> +a Vizier who was bigger than he. There +was a Terrible Man called the Pilot. He +cared no more for the Captain than the +Archbishop of Canterbury cares for a Charity-Boy. +He gave him a piece of his mind +whenever he chose, and he would have his +own Way, and had it. It was the delight +of the Seamen to see their Tyrant and Bully +degraded for a time under the supreme +authority of the Pilot, who drank the Skipper's +rum; who had the best Beef and +Burgoo at the Skipper's table; who wore, if +he was so minded, the Skipper's tarpaulin; +who used the Skipper's telescope, and +thumbed his charts, and kicked his Cabin-boy, +and swore his oaths, till, but for the +fear of the Trinity House, I think the +Skipper would have been mighty glad to +fling him over the taffrail. But the reign +of this Great Mogul of Lights and Points +and Creeks soon came to an end. A River +Pilot was the lesser evil, a Channel Pilot was +the greater one; but both were got rid of at +last. Then the Skipper was himself again. +He would drink himself blind with Punch<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span> +in the forenoon, or cob his cabin-boy to +Death's door after dinner for a frolic. He +could play the very Devil among the Hands, +and they perforce bore with his capricious +cruelty; for there is no running away from +a Ship at Sea. Jack Shark is Gaoler, and +keeps the door tight. There is but one way +out of it, and that is to Mutiny, and hey for +the Black Flag and a Pirate's Free and +Jovial Life!<a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a> But Mutiny is Hanging, +and Piracy is Hanging, and Gibbeting too; +and how seldom it is that you find Bold +Hearts who have Stuff enough in them to +Run the Great Risk! As on sea, so it is on +land. That Ugly Halter dances before a +man's eyes, and dazes him away from the +Firmest Resolve. For how long will Schoolboys +endure the hideous enormities of a +Gnawbit before they come to the Supreme +Revolt of a Barring-out! And for how +long will a People suffer the mad tyranny of +a Ruler, who outrages their Laws, who +strangles their Liberties, who fleeces and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span> +squeezes and tramples upon them, before +they take Heart of Grace, and up Pike and +Musket, and down-derry-down with your +Ruler, who is ordinarily the basest of Poltroons, +and runs away in a fright so soon as +the first Goose is bold enough to cry out +that the Capitol <i>shall</i> be saved!</p> + + +<p>Nothing of this did I think aboard <i>The +Humane Hopwood</i>. I was too young to have +any thought at all, save of rage and anguish +when it pleased Captain Handsell, being in +a cheerful mood, to belabour me, till I was +black and blue, with a rope's end. At the +beginning of the voyage I was put into the +hold, ironed, with the rest of the convicts, +who were only permitted to come on deck +twice a day, morning and evening, for a few +Mouthfuls of Fresh air; who were fed on +the vilest biscuit and the most putrid water, +getting but a scrap of fat pork and a dram +of Rum that was like Fire twice a week, and +who were treated, generally, much like +Negroes on the Middle Passage. But by +and by,—say after ten days; but I took +little account of Time in this floating Purgatory,—Captain<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span> +Handsell had me unironed; +and his cabin-boy, a poor weakly little lad, +that could not stand much beating, being +dead of that and a flux, and so thrown overboard +without any more words being said +about it—(he was but a little Scottish castaway +from Edinburgh, who had been kidnapped +late one night in the Grass Market, +and sold to a Greenock skipper trading in +that line for a hundred pound Scots—not +above eight pounds of our currency)—and +there is no Crowner's Quest at sea, I was +promoted to the Vacant Post. I was Strong +enough now, and the Wound in my side +gave me no more pain; and I think I grew +daily stronger and more hardened under the +shower of blows which the Skipper very +liberally dealt out to me; I hardly know +with more plenitude when he was vexed, or +when he was pleased. But I was not the +same bleating little Lamb that the Wolfish +Gnawbit used to torture. No, no; John +Dangerous's apprenticeship had been useful +to him. Even as college-lads graduate in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span> +their Latin and Greek, so I had graduated +upon braining the Grenadier with the demijohn. +I could take kicks and cuffs, but I +could likewise give them. And so, as this +Roaring Skipper made me a Block to vent +his spite upon, I would struggle with, and +bite, and kick his shins till sometimes we +managed to fall together on the cabin-floor +and tumble about there,—pull he, pull I, +and a kick together!—till the Watch would +look down the skylight upon us, grinning, +and chuckle hoarsely that old Belzey, as they +called their commander (being a diminutive +for Beelzebub), and his young Imp were +having a tussle. Thus it came about that +among these unthinking Seamen I grew to +be called Pug (who, I have heard, is the +Lesser Fiend), or Little Brimstone, or young +Pitchladle. And then I, in my Impish way, +would offer to fight them too, resenting +their scurril nicknames, and telling them +that I had but one name, which was Jack +Dangerous.</p> + +<p>The oddest thing in the world was that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span> +the Skipper, Ungovernable Brute as he was, +seemed to take a kind of liking for me through +my Resistance to him.</p> + +<p>"What a young Tiger-cub it is!" he +would say sometimes, swaying about his +Rope's End, as if undecided whether to hit +me or not. "Lie down, Rawbones! Lie +down, Tearem!"</p> + +<p>"You go to hit me again," I would cry, +all hot and flurried; "I'll mark you, I will, +you Tarpaulin Hedgehog!"</p> + +<p>Then in a Rage he would make a Rush at +me, and Welt me sorely; but oftener he +would Relent, and opening his Locker would +give me a slice of Sausage, or a white Biscuit, +or a nip of curious Nantz.</p> + +<p>At last he gave up maltreating me altogether. +"If you'd been of the same kidney +as Sawney M'Gillicuddy," he said, speaking +of the poor little Scottish lad who Died, +"I'd have made you food for fishes long ago. +'Slid, my younker, but they should 'a had +their meat tender enough, or there's no +vartue in hackled hemp for a lacing! But +you've got a Heart, my lad; and if you're<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span> +not hanged before you're out of your Teens, +you'll show the World that you can Bite as +well as Bark some of these days."</p> + +<p>So I became a prime Favourite with +Captain Handsell; and, in the Expansion of +his Liking towards me, he began to give me +instruction in the vocation in which a portion +of my life has since (with no small Distinction, +though I say it that should not) +been passed. Of scientific Navigation this +very Rude and Boorish person knew little, +if any thing; but as a Practical Seaman he +had much skill and experience. Indeed, if +the Hands had not enjoyed a lively Faith +in the solid sea-going Qualities of "Foul-Weather +Bob," as they called him when +they did not choose to give him his demoniacal +appellation, they would have Mutinied, +and sent him, Lashed to a grating, on a +voyage of Discovery at least twice in every +Twenty-Four Hours. For he led them a +most Fearful Life.</p> + +<p>I had imparted to him that I was somewhat +of a scholar, and that Captain Night +had taught me something besides stealing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span> +the King's Deer. There was a Bible on +Board, which the Skipper never read,—and +read, indeed, he was scarcely able to do,—but +which he turned to the unseemly use, +when he had been over-cruel to his crew, of +swearing them upon it, that they would not +inform against him when they got into port. +For this was an odd medley of a man, and +had his moments of Remorse for evil-doing, +or else of Fear as to what might be the Consequences +when he reached a Land where +some degree of Law and Justice were recognised. +At some times he would propitiate +his crew with donatives of Rum, or even +of Money; but the next day he would have +his Cruelty Fit on again, and use his men +with ten times more Fierceness and Arbitrary +Barbarity. But to this Bible and a +volume of Nautical Tables our Library was +confined; and as he troubled himself very +little about the latter, I was set to read to +him sometimes after dinner from the Good +Book. But he was ever coarse and ungovernable, +and would have no Righteous +Doctrine or Tender Precepts, but only took<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span> +delight when I read to him from the Old +Scriptures the stories of the Jews, their +bloody wars, and how their captains and men +of war slew their Thousands and their Tens +of Thousands in Battle. And with shame I +own that 'twas these Furious Narratives that +I liked also; and with exceeding pleasure +read of Joshua his victories, and Samson his +achievements, and Gideon how he battled, +and Agag how they hewed him in pieces. +Little cockering books I see now put forth, +with pretty decoying pictures, which little +children are bidden to read. Stories from +the Old Testament are dressed up in pretty +sugared language. Oh, you makers of these +little books! oh, you fond mothers who place +them so deftly in your children's hands! +bethink you whether this strong meat is fit +for Babes. An old man, whose life has been +passed in Storms and Stratagems and Violence, +not innocent of blood-spilling, bids you +beware! Let the children read that other +Book, its Sweet and Tender Counsels, its +examples of Mercy and Love to all Mankind. +But if I had a child five or six years old,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span> +would I let him fill himself with the horrible +chronicles of Lust, and Spoliation, and +Hatred, and Murder, and Revenge? "Why +shouldn't I torture the cat?" asks little +Tommy. "Didn't the man in the Good +Book tie blazing Torches to the foxes' tails?" +And little Tommy has some show of reason +on his side. Let the children grow up; wait +till their stomachs are strong enough to +digest this potent victual. It is hard indeed +for one who has been a Protestant alway to +have to confess that when such indiscreet +reading is placed in children's hands, those +crafty Romish ecclesiastics speak not altogether +foolishly when they tell us that the +mere Word slayeth. But on this point I +am agreed to consult Doctor Dubiety, and to +be bound by his decision.</p> + +<p>In so reading to the Skipper every day, I +did not forget to exercise myself in that +other art of Writing, and was in time +serviceable enough to be able to keep, in +something like a rational and legible form +the Log of <i>The Humane Hopwood</i>, which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span> +heretofore had been a kind of cabalistic +Register, full of blots, crosses, half-moons, +and zigzags, like the chalk score of an unlettered +Ale-wife. And the more I read (of +surely the grandest and simplest language +in the world), the more I discovered how +ignorant I was of that essential art of Spelling, +and blushed at the vile manner in which +the Petition I had written to the King of +England was set down. And before we +came to our voyage's end, I had made a +noticeable improvement in the Curious Mystery +of writing Plain English.</p> + +<p>One day as the Skipper was taking +Tobacco (for he was a great Smoker), he said +to me, "Jack, do you know what you are, +lad?"</p> + +<p>"Your cabin-boy," I answered; "bound +to fetch and carry: hempen wages, and not +much better treated than a dog."</p> + +<p>"You lie, you scum," Captain Handsell +answered pleasantly. "You go snacks with +me in the very best, and your beef is boiled +in my own copper. But 'tisn't that I mean.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span> +Do you know how you hail on the World's +books? what the number of your mess in +Life is?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," I replied; "I'm a Transport. +Was to have been hanged; but I wrote out +a Petition, and the Gentlemen in London +gave it to the King, God bless him!"</p> + +<p>"Vastly well, mate!" continued the +Captain. "Do you know what a Transport +is?"</p> + +<p>"No; something very bad, I suppose; +though I don't see that he can be much +worse off than a cabin-boy that's been cast +for Death, and lain in gaol with a bayonet-wound +he got from a Grenadier,—let alone +having been among the Blacks, and paid +anigh to Death by Gnawbit,—when he was +born a Gentleman."</p> + +<p>"You lie again. To be a Transport is +worse than aught you've had. Why a cat +in an oven without claws is an Angel of +bliss along of a Transport! You're living +in a land of beans and bacon now, in a land +of milk and honey and new rum. Wait till +you get to Jamaica. The hundred and odd<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span> +vagabonds that I've got aboard will be given +over to the Sheriff at Port Royal, and he'll +sell 'em by auction; and for as long as +they're sent across the herring-pond they'll +be slaves, and worse than slaves, to the +planters; for the black Niggers themselves, +rot 'em! make a mock of a Newgate bird. +Hard work in the blazing sun, scarce enough +to eat to keep body and soul together, the +cat-o'-nine-tails every day, with the cow-hide +for a change; and, when your term's +out, not a Joe in your pocket to help you to +get back to your own country again. That's +the life of a Transport, my hearty. Why, +it's worse cheer than one of my own hands +gets here on shipboard!"</p> + +<p>"I think I'd rather be hanged," I said, +with something like a Trembling come over +me at the Picture the Skipper had drawn.</p> + +<p>"I should rather think you would; but +such isn't your luck, little Jack Dangerous. +What would you say if I was to tell you +that you ain't a Transport at all?"</p> + +<p>I stammered out something, I know not +what, but could make no substantial reply.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Not a bit of it," continued Captain +Handsell, who by this time was getting +somewhat Brisk with his afternoon's Punch. +"Hang it, who's afraid? I like thee, lad. +I'm off my bargain, and don't care a salt +herring if I'm a loser by a few broad pieces +in not sticking to it. I tell thee, Jack, +thou'rt Free, as Free as I am; leastways if +we get to Jamaica without going to Davy +Jones's Locker; for on blue water no man +can say he's Free. No; not the Skipper +even."</p> + +<p>And then he told me, to my exceeding +Amazement and Delight, of what an Iniquitous +Transaction I had very nearly been +made the victim. It seems that although +the Pardon granted me after the Petition I +had sent to his Majesty was conditional on +my transporting myself to the Plantations, +further influence had been made for me in +London,—by whom I knew not then, but I +have since discovered,—and on the very Day +of the arrival of our condemned crew in +London, an Entire and Free Pardon had +been issued for John Dangerous and lodged<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span> +in the hands of Sir Basil Hopwood at his +House in Bishopsgate Street. Along with +this merciful Document there came a letter +from one of his Majesty's principal Secretaries +of State, in which directions were given that +I was to be delivered over to a person who +was my Guardian. And that I was in no +danger of being again given up to the villains +Cadwallader and Talmash, or their Instrument +Gnawbit, was clear, I think, from what +Captain Handsell told me:—That the Person +bringing the letter—the Pardon itself being +in the hands of a King's Messenger—had +the appearance, although dressed in a lay +habit, of being a Foreign Ecclesiastic. The +crafty Extortioner of a Knight and Alderman +makes answer that I had not come with +the other Transports to London, but had +been left sick at Brentford, in the care of an +agent of his there; but he entreats the +Foreign Person to go visit Newgate, where +he had another gang of unhappy persons for +Transportation, and see if I had arrived. +And all this while the wretch knew that I +was safely clapped up in the yard of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span> +Borough Clink. And the Foreign Person +being met at the Old Bailey by one of Hopwood's +creatures, this Thing takes him to +walk on the leads of the Sessions House, +praying him not to enter the gaol, where +many had lately been stricken with the +Distemper, and by and by up comes a Messenger +all hot as it seemed with express +riding,—though his sweat and dust were all +Forged,—and says that a gang of Ruffians +have broken up the Cage of Brentford, where, +for greater safety, the Boy Dangerous had +been bestowed; that these Ruffians were +supposed to be the remnant of the Blacks of +Charlwood Chase who had escaped from +capture; and that they had stolen away the +Boy Dangerous, and made clear off with him. +And, indeed, it was a curious circumstance +that Brentford Cage was that day broken +into (the Times were very Lawless), and a +Strange Boy taken out therefrom. But +Hopwood had artfully separated me from +the Blacks who were in Newgate, and placed +me among a stranger mob of riffraff in the +Borough Clink. The Newgate Gang were<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span> +in due time taken, not to Gravesend, but +straight away from the Pool to Richmond +in Virginia; whereas I was conveyed to +Gravesend and Deal, and shipped off to +Jamaica in <i>The Humane Hopwood</i>. And what +do you think was the object of this Humane +Scoundrel in thus sequestrating the King's +Pardon and robbing me of my liberty, and +perhaps of the occasion of returning to the +state of a Gentleman, in which I was Born? +'Twas simply to kidnap me, and make a +wretched profit of twenty or thirty pounds,—the +Commander of his Ship going him +half in the adventure,—by selling me in the +West Indies, where white boys not being +Transports were then much in demand, to be +brought up as clerks and cash-keepers to the +Planters. Sure there was never such a +Diabolical Plot for so sorry an end; but a +vast number of paltry conspiracies, carried +out with Infernal Cunning and Ingenuity, +had made, in the course of years, Sir Basil +Hopwood rich and mighty, a Knight and +Alderman, Parliament man and ex-Lord +Mayor. To carry out these designs was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span> +just part of the ordinary calling of a Shipmaster +in those days. 'Twas looked upon +as the simplest matter of business in the +world. To kidnap a child was such an everyday +deed of devilry, that the slightest amount +of pains was deemed sufficing to conceal the +abominable thing. And thus the Foreign +Person saw with dolorous Eyes the convoy +of convicts take their departure from Newgate +to ship on board the Virginian vessel +at St. Katherine's Stairs, while poor little +Jack Dangerous was being smuggled away +from Gravesend to Jamaica.</p> + +<p>And to Jamaica I should have gone to be +sold as a Slave, but for the strange occurrence +of the Captain taking a liking to me. +He dared not have kept me among the convicts, +as the Sheriff at Port Royal would +have had a List in Duplicate of their names +sent out by a fast-sailing King's Ship; for +the Government at Home had some faint +Suspicion of the prevailing custom of Kidnapping, +and made some Feeble Attempts +to stop it. But he would have kept me on +board as a ship-boy till the Auction of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span> +Transports was over, and then he would +have coolly sold me, for as much as I would +fetch, to some Merchant of Kingston or +Port Royal, who was used to deal in flesh +and blood, and who, in due course, would +have transferred me, at a profit, to some up-country +planter.</p> + +<p>"But that shall never be, Jack my hearty," +Captain Handsell exclaimed, when, after +many more pipes of Tobacco and rummers +of Punch, he had explained these wonderful +things to me. "I shall lose my half share +in the venture, and shall have to tell a rare +lie to yonder old Skin-a-flea-for-the-hide-and-fat +in London; but what o' that? I tell +thee I won't have the sale of thy flesh and +blood on my conscience. No slave shall +you be, forsooth. I have an aunt at Kingston, +as honest a woman as ever broke biscuit, +although she has got a dash of the tar-brush +on her mug, and she shall take charge +of thee; and if thou were a gentleman born, +I'll be hanged if thou sha'n't be a gentleman +bred."</p> + +<p>It would have been more fitted to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span> +performance of this Honourable and Upright +Action towards one that he had no motive +at all in serving (in Fact, his Interest lay +right the other way), that I should be able +to chronicle a sensible Reformation in my +Commander's bearing and conduct towards +others; but, alas, that I am unable to do; +the truth being that he continued, unto the +very end of our voyage, to be towards the +Hands the same brutal and merciless Tyrant +that he had once, in the days of his Rope's-End +Discipline, been towards me. 'Twas +Punch and Cobbing, Tobacco and Ugly +Words, from the rising of the Sun until the +setting of the same. And for this reason it +is (having seen so many Contradictions in +Human character) that I am never surprised +to hear of a Good Action on the part of a +very Bad Man, or of a Bad Action done by +him who is ordinarily accounted a very Good +one.</p> + +<p><i>The Humane Hopwood</i> was a very shy +Sailer,—being, in truth, as Leaky an old +Tub as ever escaped breaking up for Fire-Wood +at Lumberers' Wharfs,—and we were<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span> +seven weeks at Sea before we fell in with a +trade-wind, and then setting every Rag we +could hoist, went gaily before that Favourable +breeze, and so cast anchor at Port Royal +in the island of Jamaica.</p> + +<p>Captain Handsell was as good as his word. +Not a syllable did he say to the Sheriff of +Kingston about my not being a Transport, +or being, indeed, in the Flesh at all in those +parts; for he argued that the Sheriff might +have some foregatherings with the Knight +and Alderman of Bishopsgate Street by correspondence, +and that the Wealthy Extortioner +might make use of his credit in the +Sugar Islands to do me, some day or another, +an ill turn. But he had me privily on shore +when the Transports had all been assigned +to different task-masters; and in due time +he introduced me to his Aunt, his Brother's +Wife indeed (and I believe he had come out +to the Island with an Old-Bailey Passport; +but Rum and the climate had been too +strong for him, and he had so Died and left +her a Widow).</p> + +<p>She was by right and title, then, Mistress<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span> +Handsell, with the Christian name of Sarah; +but among the coloured people of Kingston +she went by the name of Maum Buckey, +and, among her more immediate intimates, +as "Yaller Sally." And, although she +passed for being very Wealthy, I declare +that she was nothing but a Washerwoman. +This Washing Trade of hers, however, which +she carried on for the King and Merchants' +ships that were in Harbour, and for nearly +all the rich Merchants and Traders of Kingston, +brought Maum Buckey in a very +pretty penny; and not only was her tub +commerce a brisk ready-money business, but +she had two flourishing plantations—one +for the growing of Coffee, and the other of +Sugar—near the town of Savannah de la +Mar. Moreover, she had a distillery of Rum +and Arrack in Kingston itself, and everybody +agreed that she must be very well to +do in the world. She was an immensely fat +old Mulotter woman, on the wrong side of +Fifty when I knew her, and her Mother had +been a slave that had been the Favourite +Housekeeper to the English Governor, who,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span> +dying, left her her Freedom, and enough +Money to carry on that Trade of cleansing +clothes which her Daughter afterwards made +so profitable.</p> + +<p>Maum Buckey and I soon became very +good friends. She was proud of her +relationship with a white Englishman—"a +right go-down Buckra" as she called him—who +commanded a ship, and besides recommended +her to other gentlemen in his way +for a Washerwoman; and although she took +care to inform me, before we had been +twenty-four hours acquainted, that her Husband, +Sam Handsell, has been a sad Rascal, +who would have drunk all her Money away, +had he not Timeously drunk himself to death, +she made me the friendliest welcome, and +promised that she would do all she could for +me, "the little piccaninny buckra," who was +set down by Mr. Handsell as being the son +of an old Shipmate of his that had met with +misfortunes. After a six weeks' stay in the +island, and <i>The Humane Hopwood</i> getting +Freight in the way of Sugar, Captain Handsell +bade me good by, and set sail with a fair<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span> +wind for Bristol, England. I never set +Eyes upon him again. You see, my Friends, +that this is no cunningly-spun Romance, in +which a character disappears for a Season, +and turns up again, as pat as you please, +at the end of the Fourth Volume; but +a plain Narrative of Facts, in which the +Personages introduced must needs Come and +Go precisely as they Came and Went to me +in Real Life. I have often wished, when I +had Power and Riches, to meet with and show +my Gratitude to the rough old Sea-Porpoise +that used to Rope's-End me so, and was so +tearing a Tyrant to his Hands, and yet in +a mere fit of kind-heartedness played the +Honest Man to me, when All Things seemed +against me, and rescued John Dangerous +from a Foul and Wicked Trap.</p> + +<p>Maum Buckey had a great rambling +house—it had but one Storey, with a Piazza +running round, but a huge number of Rooms +and Yards—in the suburbs of Kingston. +There did I take up my abode. She had at +least twenty Negro and Mulotter Women +and Girls that worked for her at the Washing,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span> +and at Starching and Ironing, for the +Mill was always going with her. 'Twas wash, +wash, wash, and wring, wring, wring, and +scrub, scrub, scrub, all day and all night too, +when the harbour was full of ships. Not +that she ever touched Soapsuds or Flat-iron +or Goffering-stick herself. She was vastly +too much of a Fine Lady for that, and would +loll about in a great chair,—one Negro child +fanning her with a great Palmetto, and another +tickling the soles of her feet,—sipping +her Sangaree as daintily as you please. She +was the most ignorant old creature that ever +was known, could neither read nor write, +and made a sad jumble of the King's English +when she spoke; yet, by mere natural +quickness and rule-of-thumb, she could calculate +to a Joe how much a Shipmaster's +Washing-Bill came to. And when she had +settled that according to her Scale of Charges, +which were of the most Exorbitant Kind, +she would Grin and say, "He dam ship, +good consignee;" or, "He dam ship, dam +rich owner; stick him on 'nother dam fi' +poun' English, my chile;" and for some<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span> +curious reason or another, 'twas seldom that +a shipmaster cared to quarrel with Maum +Buckey's Washing-Bills. She, being so unlettered, +had been compelled to engage all +manner of Whites who could write and read—now +Transports, now Free—to keep her +accounts, and draw her necessary writings; +but it was hard to tell which were the +greatest Rogues, the Convicts whose term +was out, or the Free Gentlemen who had +come out without a pair of iron garters to +their hose. In those days all our plantations, +and Jamaica most notably, were full of the +very Scum and Riffraff of our English towns. +'Twas as though you had let Fleet Ditch, +dead dogs and all, loose on a West-India +Island. That Ragged Regiment which Falstaff +in the Play would not march through +Coventry with were at free quarters in +Jamaica, leave alone the regular garrison of +King's Troops, of which the private men +were mostly pickpockets, poachers, and runaway +serving-men, who had enlisted to save +themselves from a merry-go-round at Rope +Fair; and the officers the worst and most<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span> +abandoned Gentlemen that ever wore his +Majesty's cockade, and gave themselves airs +because they had three-quarters of a yard of +black ribbon crinked up in their hats. +Captain This, who had been kicked out of a +Charing-Cross coffee-house for pocketing a +Punch-ladle while the drawer was not looking; +Lieutenant That, who had been caned +on the Mall for cheating at cards; and +Ensign T'other, who had been my lord's +valet, and married his Madam for enough +cash to buy a pair of colours withal—Military +gentlemen of this feather used to +serve in the West Indies in those days, and +swagger about Kingston as proud as peacocks, +when every one of them had done +that at home they should be cashiered for. +Maum Buckey would not have to do with +these light-come-light-go gallants. "Me +wash for Gem'n Ship-Cap'n, Gem'n Marchants, +Gem'n Keep-store," she would observe; +"me not wash for dam Soger-officer."</p> + +<p>Her Sugar Plantation was in charge of +a shrewd North-countryman, against whom, +save that he was a runaway bankrupt from<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span> +Hull in England, there was nothing to say. +Her Coffee Estate was managed by an Irishman +that had married, as he thought, a great +Fortune, but found the day after his wedding +that she but a fortune-hunter like himself, +and had at least three husbands living +in divers parts of the world. And finally, +the Distillery had for overseer one, an Englishman, +that had been a Horse Couper, and +a runner for the Crimps at Wapping, and a +supercargo that was not too honest,—albeit +he had to keep his accounts pretty square +with Maum Buckey, than whom there never +was a woman who had a keener Eye for +business or a finer Scent for a Rogue.</p> + +<p>She made me her Bookkeeper for the +Washing Department. 'Twas not a very +dignified Employment for one that had been +a young Gentleman, but 'twas vastly better +than the Fate of one who, but for a mere +Accident, might have been a young Slave. +So I kept Maum Buckey's Books, teaching +myself how to do so featly from a Ready +Reckoner and Accomptant's Assistant (Mr. +Cocker's), which I bought at a Bookstore<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span> +in Kingston. The work was pretty hard, +and the old Dame of the Tub kept me +tightly enough at it; but when the work +was over she was very kind to me, and we +had the very best of living: ducks and +geese and turkeys and pork (of which the +Mulotter women are inordinately fond, +although I never could reconcile to myself +how their stomachs, in so hot a climate, +could endure so Luscious a Food); fish of +the primest from the Harbour of Port Royal, +lobsters and crabs and turtle (which last is as +cheap as Tripe with us, and so plentiful, that +the Niggers will sometimes disdain to eat +it, though 'tis excellent served as soup in +the creature's own shell, and a most digestible +Viand); to say nothing of bananas, +shaddock, mango, plantains, and the many +delicious fruits and vegetables of that Fertile +Colony; where, if the land-breeze in the +morning did not half choke you with harsh +dust, and the sea-breeze in the afternoon +pierce you to the marrow with deadly chills, +and if one could abstain from surfeits of +fruits and over-drinking of the too abundant<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span> +ardent spirits of the country, a man might +live a very jovial kind of life. However, I +was young and healthy, and, though never +a shirker of my glass in after-days, prudently +moderate in my Potations. During four +years that I passed in the Island of Jamaica +(one of the brightest jewels in the British +Crown, and as Loyal, I delight to say, as I +am myself), I don't think I had the Yellow +Fever more than three times, and at last +grew as tough as leather, and could say Bo +to a land-crab (how many a White Man's +carcass have those crabs picked clean at the +Palisadoes!), as though I feared him no +more than a Green Goose.</p> + +<p>It may be fitting here that I should say +something about that Abominable Curse of +Negro Slavery, which was then so Familiar +and Unquestioned a Thing in all our Colonies, +that its innate and Detestable Wickedness +was scarcely taken into account in men's +minds. Speaking only by the Card, and of +that which I saw with my own eyes, I don't +think that Maum Buckey was any crueller +<ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'han'">than</ins> other slave-owners of her class: for 'tis<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span> +well known that the Mulotter women are far +more severe task-mistresses than the Whites. +But, Lord! Whites and coloured people, who +in the West Indies are permitted, when free, +to own their fellow-creatures who are only a +shade darker in colour than they, left little +to choose betwixt on the score of cruelty. +When I tell you that I have seen Slave +Women and Girls chained to the washing-tub, +their naked bodies all one gore of blood +from the lashes of the whip; that on the +public wharf at Kingston I have seen a Negro +man drawn up by his hands to a crane +used for lifting merchandise, while his toes, +that barely touched the ground, were ballasted +with a thirty-pound weight, and, in +that Trim, beaten with the Raw Hide or +with Tamarind-Bushes till you could lay +your two fingers in the furrows made by the +whip (with which expert Scourgineers boast +they can lay deep ruts in a Deal Board), or +else I have seen the poor Miserable Wretch +the next day lying on his face on the Beach, +and a Comrade taking the prickles of the +Tamarind-Stubs, which are tempered in the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span> +Fire, and far worse than English Thornbushes, +out of his back;—you may imagine +that 'twas no milk-and-water Regimen that +the slaves in the West Indies had to undergo +at the hands of their Hard masters and mistresses. +Also, I have known slaves taken to +the Sick-House, or Hospital, so dreadfully +mangled with unmerciful correction as for +their wounds to be one mass of putrefaction, +and they shortly do give up the Ghost; +while, at other times, I have seen unfortunate +creatures that had been so lacerated, +both back and front, as to be obliged to crawl +about on All Fours. Likewise have I seen +Negro men, Negro women, yea, and Negro +children, with iron collars and prongs about +their necks; with logs riveted to their legs, +with their Ears torn off, their Nostrils slit, +their Cheeks branded, and otherwise most +frightfully Mutilated. Item, I have known +at the dinner-table of a Planter of wealth +and repute, the Jumper, or Public Flogger, +to come in and ask if Master and Missee had +any commands for him; and, by the order of +the Lady of the House, take out two Decent<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span> +Women that had been waiting at the table, +and give them fifty lashes apiece on the public +parade, every stroke drawing Blood and +bringing Flesh with it, and they, when all +was over, embracing and thanking him for +their Punishment, as was the custom of the +Colony.<a name="FNanchor_B_2" id="FNanchor_B_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_B_2" class="fnanchor">[B]</a> Item, within my own knowledge +have I been made familiar with many acts of +the Deepest Barbarity. Mistresses, for Jealousy +or Caprice, pouring boiling-water or +hot melted Sealing-Wax on their slave girls' +flesh after they had suffered the worst Tortures +of the whip; and white Ladies of +Education rubbing Cayenne-pepper into the +eyes of Negroes who had offended them, or +singeing the tenderest parts of their limbs +with sticks of fire. And of one horrid instance +have I heard of Malignant and Hellish +revenge in Two Ladies who were Sisters (and +bred at a Fine Boarding-School in England),<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span> +who, having a spite against a yellow woman +that attended on them, did tie her hands and +feet, and so beat her nearly to death with the +heels of their slippers; and not satisfied with +that, or with laving her gashed body with +Vinegar and Chillies, did send for a Negro +man, and bid him, under threats of punishment, +strike out two of the Victim's teeth +with a punch, which, to the shame of Human +Womanhood, was done.</p> + + +<p>But enough of these Horrors:—not the +worst that I have seen, though, in the course +of my Adventures; only I will not further +sicken you with the Recital of the Sufferings +inflicted on the Wretched Creatures by +Ladies and Gentlemen, who had had the +first breeding, and went to Church every +Sunday. I have merely set down these +dreadful things to work out the theory of +my Belief, that the World is growing Milder +and more Merciful every day; and that the +Barbarities which were once openly practised +in the broad sunshine, and without e'er a one +lifting finger or wagging tongue against +them, are becoming rarer and rarer, and will<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span> +soon be Impossible of Commission. The +unspeakable Miseries of the Middle Passage +(of which I have been an eye-witness) exist +no more; really Humane and Charitable +Gentlemen, not such False Rogues and Kidnappers +as your Hopwoods, are bestirring +themselves in Parliament and elsewhere to +better the Dolorous Condition of the Negro; +and although it may be a Decree of Providence +that the children of Ham are to continue +always slaves and servants to their +white brethren, I see every day that men's +hearts are being more and more benevolently +turned towards them, and that laws, ere long, +will be made to forbid their being treated +worse than the beasts that perish.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SECOND.</h2> + +<h3>OF OTHER MY ADVENTURES UNTIL MY COMING TO +BE A MAN.</h3> + + +<div class='unindent'><span class="smcap">Thus</span> in a sultry colony, among Black Negroes +and their cruel Task-masters, and I the +clerk to a Mulotter Washerwoman, did I +come to be full sixteen years of age, and a +stalwart Lad of my inches. But for that +Fate, which from the first irrevocably decreed +that mine was to be a Roving Life, almost +to its end, I might have continued in the +employ of Maum Buckey until Manhood +overtook me. The Dame was not unfavourable +towards me; and, without vanity, may +I say that, had I waited my occasion, 'tis +not unlikely but that I might have married +her, and become the possessor of her plump +Money-Bags, full of Moidores, pilar Dollars, +and pieces of Eight. Happily I was not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span> +permitted so to disparage my lineage, and +put a coffee-coloured blot on my escutcheon. +No, my Lilias is no Mulotter Quartercaste. +'Twas my roving propensity that made me +set but little store by the sugar-eyes and +Molasses-speech which Madam Soapsuds +was not loth to bestow on me, a tall and +likely Lad. I valued her sweetness just as +though it had been so much cane-trash. +With much impatience I had waited for the +coming back of my friendly skipper, that he +might advise me as to my future career. +But, as I have already warned the Reader, +it was fated that I was to see that kindly +shipmaster no more. Once, indeed, the old +ship came into Port Royal, and right eagerly +did I take boat and board her. But her +name had been changed from <i>The Humane +Hopwood</i> to <i>The Protestant Pledge</i>. She was +in the Guinea trade now, and brought Negroes, +poor souls! to slave in our Plantations. +The Mariner that was her commander +had but dismal news to tell me of my friendly +Handsell. He, returning to the old country, +had it seems a Mighty Quarrel with his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span> +Patron—and my Patron too, forsooth!—Villain +Hopwood. Whether he had reproached +him with his treachery to me or +not, I know not; but it is certain that both +parted full of Wrath and High Disdain, and +each swearing to be the Ruin of the other. +But Gold had, as it has always in a Mammon-ridden +world, the longest, strongest +pull. Devil Hopwood found it easy to get +the better of a poor unlettered tarpaulin, +that knew well enough the way into a Wapping +Alehouse, but quite lost himself in +threading the mazes of a great man's Antechamber. +'Tis inconceivable how much dirty +work there was done in my young days between +Corinthian columns and over Turkey +carpets, and under ceilings painted by Verrio +and Laguerre. Sir Basil, I believe, went to +a great man, and puts a hundred guineas +into the hands of his Gentleman—by the +which I mean his Menial Servant, save that +he wore no Livery; but there's many a Base +wretch hath his soul in plush, and the Devil's +aigulets on his heart. How much out of the +Hundred my Lord took, and how much his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span> +Gentleman kept, it serves not to inquire. +They struck a Bargain, and short was the +Time before Ruin came swooping down on +Captain Handsell. He had gone into the +Channel trade; and they must needs have +him exchequered for smuggling brandies and +lace from St. Malo's. Quick on this follows +a criminal Indictment, from which, as a Fool, +he flies; for he might at least have threatened +to say damaging things of Brute Basil +in the dock, and have made terms with him +before trial came on. And then he must +needs take command of a miserable lugger +that fetched and carried between Deal and +Dunquerque—the old, old, sorry tinpot business +of kegs of strong waters, and worse +contraband in the guise of Jacobite despatches. +To think of brave men's lives being +risked in these twopenny errands, and a +heart of Oak brought to the gallows, that +clowns may get drunk the cheaper, or traitors—for +your Jacobite conspirators were +but handy-dandy Judases, now to King +James and now to King George—exchange +their rubbishing ciphers the easier! It<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span> +drives me wild to think of these pinchbeck +enterprises. If a Man's tastes lead him towards +the Open, the Bold, and the Free, e'en +let him ship himself off to a far climate, the +hotter the better, where Prizes are rich, and +the King's writ in Assault and Battery runneth +not,—nor for a great many other things +ayont Assault and Battery,—and where, up +a snug creek, of which he knows the pilotage +well, he may give a good account of a +King's ship when he finds her. He who +does any thing contrair to English law within +five hundred leagues of an English lawyer +or an English law-court is a very Ass and +Dolt. Fees and costs will have their cravings; +and from the process-server to the +Hangman all will have their due. Give me +an offing, where there is no law but that of +the strong hand and the bold Heart. Any +sharks but land-sharks for John Dangerous. +I never see a parchment-visaged, fee-clutching +limb of the law but I long to beat him, +and, if I had him on blue water, to trice him +up higher than ever he went before. But +for a keg of brandy! But for a packet of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span> +treason-papers! Shame! 'tis base, 'tis +idiotic. And this did the unlucky Handsell +find to his cost. I believe he was slain in a +midnight affray with some Riding Officers of +the Customs close unto Deal, about two years +after his going into a trade that was as mean +as it was perilous.</div> + +<p>So no more Hope for me from that quarter. +The skipper of <i>The Protestant Pledge</i> +would have retained me on board for a +Carouse; but I had too much care for my +Head and my Liver for such pranks, and +went back, as dolefully as might be, to keep +Maum Buckey's washing-books. I chafed +at the thought that I could do no more. I +told her the grim news I had heard of her +brother-in-law, whereat she wept somewhat; +for where Whites were concerned she was not +a hard-hearted woman. But she cheered up +speedily, saying that Sam had come to as +sorry an end, and that she supposed there +was but one way with the Handsells, Rum +and Riot being generally their Ruin.</p> + +<p>As it is one of the failings of youth not +to know when it is well off, and to grow<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span> +A-weary even of continued prosperity, I admit +that the life I led palled upon me, and +that I longed to change it. But it was not, +all things considered, so very unpleasant a +one. True, the employment was a sorry one, +and utterly beneath the dignity of a Gentleman, +such as bearing fardels in the streets +or unloading casks and bales at the wharf, +for instance. But it is in man's nature never +to be satisfied, and when he is well to long +to be better, and so, by force of striving, to +tumble into a Hole, where indeed he is at +the Best, for he is Dead. At this distance of +time, though I have many comforts around +me,—Worldly Goods, a Reputable name, my +Child, and her Husband,—I still look back +on my old life in Jamaica, and confess that +Providence dealt very mercifully with me in +those bygone days. For I had enough to +eat and to drink, and a Mistress who, although +Passionate and Quarrelsome enough +by times, was not unkind. If she would +swear, she would also tender gentle Language +upon occasion; and if she would throw +things, she was not backward in giving one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span> +a dollar to heal one's pate. An odd life it +was, truly. There was very little of that +magnificence about the town of Port Royal +in my days which I have heard the Creoles +to boast about. It may have been handsome +enough in the Spaniard's Reign, or in King +Charles the Second's; but I have heard that +its most comely parts had been swallowed up +by an Earthquake, and, when I remember it, +the Main thoroughfare was like nothing half +so much as the Fag End of Kent Street in +the Borough, where the Broom-men live. +As for public scavengers—humane at least—there +were none; for that salutary practice +of putting rebellious Blacks into chain-gangs, +and making them sweep the streets,—which +might be well done in London with Pickpockets +and the like trash, to their souls' +health and the benefit of the Body politic,—did +not then obtain. The only way of clearing +the offal was by the obscene birds that +flew down from the hills; Messieurs the +landcrabs, who were assuredly the best scavengers +of all, not stirring beyond the Palisadoes. +Some things were very cheap, but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span> +others inordinately dear. Veal was at a prodigious +price; and 'twas a common saying, +that you could buy Four children in England +cheaper than you could one calf in Jamaica. +But for the products and dishes of the colony, +which I have elsewhere hinted at, all was as +low-priced as it was abundant. What droll +names did they give, too, unto their fish and +flesh and fowl! How often have you in +England heard of Crampos, Bonettas, Ringrays, +Albacoras, and Sea-adders, among fish; +of Noddies and Boobies and Pitternells and +Sheerwaters among birds? And Calialou +Soup, and Pepperpot to break your Fast +withal in the morning, and make you feel, +ere you get accustomed to that Fiery victual, +like a Salamander for some hours afterwards!</p> + +<p>Now and then also, with some other young +white folks with whom I had stricken up +acquaintance,—clerks, storekeepers, and the +like,—would we seek out the dusky beauties +of the town in their own quarters, and shake +a leg at their Dignity Routs, Blackamoor +Drums, and Pumpkin-Faced Assemblies, or +by what other name the poor Black wretches<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span> +might choose to call their uproarious merrymakings. +There, in some shed, all hustled +together as a Moorfields Sweetener does luck +in a bag, would be a mob of men and women +Negroes, all dressed in their bravest finery, +although little of it was to be seen either on +their Backs or their Feet; the Head being +the part of their Bodies which they chiefly +delight to ornament. Such ribbons and +owches, such gay-coloured rags and blazing +tatters, would they assume, and to the Trips +and Rounds played to them by some Varlet +of a black fiddler, with his hat at a prodigious +cock, and mounted on a Tub, like unto the +sign of the Indian Bacchus at the Tobacconist's, +would they dance and stamp and +foot it merrily—with plenty of fruit, salt +fish, pork, roasted plantain, and so forth, to +regale themselves withal, not forgetting +punch and sangaree—quite forgetful, poor +mercurial wretches, for the time being of +Fetters and the Scourge and the Driver that +would hurry them to their dire labour the +morrow morn. Surely there never did exist +so volatile, light-spirited, feather-brained a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span> +race as these same Negro Blacks. They will +whistle and crack nuts, ay and dance and +sing to the music of the Fiddle or the Banjar +an hour after the skin has been half +flayed off their backs. They seem to bear +no particular Malice to their Tormentors, so +long as their weekly rations of plantain, +yam, or salt fish, be not denied them, and +that they have Osnaburgs enow to make +them shirts and petticoats to cover themselves. +Give them but these, and their +dance at Christmas time, with a kind word +thrown to them now and again, just as +you would fling a marrow-bone to a dog, +and they will get along well enough in +slavery, almost grinning at its Horrors and +making light of its unutterable Woes. I +never saw so droll a people in my life. Nor +is it the less astonishing thing about them +that, beneath all this seeming lightheartedness +and jollity, there often lies smouldering +a Fire of the Fiercest passion and blackest +revenge. The dark-skinned fellow who may +be flapping the flies away from you in the +morning, and bearing your kicks and cuffs<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span> +as though they were so many cates and +caresses, may, in the evening, make one in +a circle of Heathen monsters joined together +to listen to the Devilish Incantations of the +Obeah man,—to mingle in ceremonies most +hideous and abominable, and of which perhaps +that of swearing eternal Hatred to the +White Race over a calabash that is made out +of the skull of a new-born Babe, and filled +with Dirt, Rum, and Blood mixed together, +is perchance the least horrid. And yet I +don't think the unhappy creatures are by +nature either treacherous, malicious, or cruel. +'Tis only when the fit seizes them. Like +the Elephants, the idea suddenly comes over +them that they are wronged—that 'tis the +White Man who has wrought them all these +evils, and that they are bound to Trample him +to bleeding mud without more ado. But 'tis +all done in a capricious cobweb-headed manner; +and on the morrow they are as quiet +and good-tempered as may be. Then, just +as suddenly, will come over them a fit of +despondency, or dark, dull, brooding Melancholy. +If they are at sea, they will cast<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span> +themselves into the waves and swim right +toward the sharks, whose jaws are yawning to +devour them. If they are on dry land, they +will, for days together, refuse all food, or +worse still, go dirt-eating, stuffing themselves +with clay till they have the <i>mal +d'estomac</i>, and so die: this <i>mal</i>, of which our +English stomach-ache gives no valid translation +(which must prove my excuse for placing +here a foreign word), being, with the Yaws, +their most frequent and fatal complaint. Of +a less perplexing nature also are their fits of +the Sulks, when, for more than a week at a +time, they will remain wholly mute and intractably +obstinate, folding their arms or +squatting on their hams, and refusing either +to move or speak, whatsoever threats may +be uttered or enforced against them, and +setting no more store by the deep furrowing +cuts of the Cowhide whip (that will make +marks in a deal board, if well laid on, the +which I have often seen) than by the buzzings +of a Shambles Fly. They had many +ways of treating these fits of the sulks, in +my time all of them cruel, and none of them<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span> +successful. One was, to set the poor wretches +in the stocks, or the bilboes, rubbing chillies +into the eyes to keep them from going to +sleep. Another was a dose of the Fire-cane, +as it was called, which was just a long +paddle, or slender oar, pierced with holes at +the broadest part, with the which the patient +being belaboured, a blister on the fish rose +to each hole of the Paddle. A curious +method, and one much followed; but the +Negroes sulked all the more for it. There +was a Dutch woman from Surinam, who had +brought with her from that plantation of +the Hollanders that highly Ingenious Mode +of Torment known as the "Spanso Bocko."<a name="FNanchor_C_3" id="FNanchor_C_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_C_3" class="fnanchor">[C]</a> +The manner of it was this. You took your +Negro and tied him wrists and ankles, so +bending him into a neat curve. Then, if +his spine did not crack the while, you thrust +a stake between his legs, and having thus +comfortably Trussed him, pullet fashion, you +laid him on the ground one side upwards, +and at your leisure scarified him from one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span> +cheek to one heel with any instrument of +Torture that came handy. Then he (or she, +it did not at all matter in the Dutchwoman's +esteem), being one gore of welts and gashes, +was thought to be Done enough on one side, +and consequently required Doing t'other. +So one that stood by to help just took +hold of the stake and turned the Human +Pullet over, and then he was so thoroughly +basted as sometimes to be Done a little too +much, often dying on the spot from that +Rib wasting. Oh, it was rare sport! I +wonder whereabouts in the nethermost Hell +the cunning Dutchman is now who first devised +this torment; also the Dutchwoman +who practised it? I can fancy Signor Beelzebub +and his Imps taking a keen delight in +<i>their</i> application of the Spanso Bocko. The +which I never knew it cure a Negro of the +sulks. They would force back their tongues +into their gullets while the torment was +going on, determined not so much as to +utter a moan, and, having a peculiar Art +that way, brought by them from <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'ther'">their</ins> own +country, would often contrive to suffocate<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span> +themselves and Expire. Their own country! +That is what one of the miserable beings said +when, being threatened with torment of a +peculiar, outrageous nature, he flung himself +into a cauldron of boiling sugar, and +was scalded to death on the instant. Let +me not omit to mention while I am on this +chapter of Brutality—wreaked by Christian +men upon poor Heathen savages, for many +of them were not many weeks from Guinea +and Old Calabar, where they had been worshiping +Mumbo Jumbo, and making war upon +one another in their own Pagan fashion—that +I have known Planters even more refined +in their cruelty. They would make +their slaves drink salt water, and then set +them out in the hot sun tied to the outside +posts of the Piazza. The end of that was, that +they went Raving Mad, gnawing their +Tongues and poor blubberous Lips to +pieces<a name="FNanchor_D_4" id="FNanchor_D_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_D_4" class="fnanchor">[D]</a> before they died. Another genius, +who was a proficient in his Humanities, and +quite of a classic frame of mind in his cruelties,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span> +bethought himself of a mode of Torture +much practised among the Ancient Persians, +and so must needs smear the body of an unhappy +Negro all over with molasses. Then, +binding him fast to a stake in the open, the +flies and mosquitoes got at him,—for he was +kept there from one morning until the next,—and +he presently gave up the Ghost. But +nothing that I ever saw or heard of during +the time of my living in the Western Indies, +could equal the Romantic Torture, not so +much invented as imported, by a Gentleman +Merchant who had lived among the islands +of the Grecian Archipelago, and whose jocose +humour it was to imprison his women slaves +in loose garments of leather, very tightly +secured, however, at the wrists, neck, and +ankles. In the same garments, before +fastening round the limbs of the victim, one +or more Infuriated cats were introduced; the +which ferocious animals, playfully disporting +themselves in their attempt to find a point +of egress, would so up and tear, and mangle, +and lacerate, with their Terrible claws, the +flesh of the sufferers, that not all the Brine-washing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span> +or pepper-pod-rubbing in the world, +afterwards humanely resorted to on their release +from their leathern sepulchre, would +save them from mortification. There was a +completeness and gusto about this Performance +that always made me think my Gentleman +Merchant from the Greek Islands a +very Great Mind. The mere vulgar imitations +of his Process which, in times more +Modern, I have heard of—such as taking an +angry cat by the tail and drawing its claws +all abroad down the back of a Negro strapped +on to a plank, so making a map of all +the rivers in Tartarus from his neck to his +loins—are, in my holding, beneath contempt. +There is positive Genius in that idea of +shutting up the cats in a hide-bound prison, +and so letting them work their own wills on +the inner walls; and I hope my Gentleman +Merchant has as warm a niche in Signor +Beelzebub's Temple of Fame, as the Great +Dutch Philosopher who first dreamt of the +Spanso Bocko.</p> + + +<p>Before I left the island of Jamaica, there +befell me an adventure which I may briefly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span> +narrate. It being the sickly season and +very few ships in port, Maum Buckey's +business was somewhat at a stand-still, and +with little difficulty I obtained from her a +fortnight's holiday. I might have spent it +with no small pleasure, and even profit, at +one of her up-country plantations, or at the +Estate of some other Planter; for I had +friends and to spare among the white Overseers +and Bookkeepers; and although the +Gentry—that is to say, the Enriched Adventurers, +who deemed themselves such—were +of course too High and Mighty to +associate with one of my Mean Station, I +was at no loss for companions among those +of my own degree. So bent upon a frolic, +and being by this time a good Rider and a +capital shot, I joined a band of wild young +Slips like myself, to go up the country hunting +the miserable Negroes that had Marooned, +as it was called. These Maroons were runaway +slaves who had bid a sudden good-by +to bolts and shackles, whips and rods, and +shown their Tyrants a clean pair of heels, +finding their covert in the dense jungles<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span> +that covered the mountain slopes, where they +lived on the wild animals and birds they +could shoot or snare, and sometimes making +descents to the nearest plantations, thence +to carry off cattle, ponies, or pigs, or whatever +else they could lay their felonious +hands upon. These were the Blacks again, +you will say, with a vengeance, and at many +Thousand Miles' distance from Charlwood +Chase: but those poor varlets of Deerstealers +in England never dreamt of taking Human +Life, save when defending their own, in a +fair stand-up Fight; whereas the Maroons +had no such scruples, and spared neither +age, nor sex, nor Degree—that had a white +skin—in their bloodthirsty frenzy. The +Savage Indians in the American plantations, +who will swoop down on some peaceful +English settlement, slaying, scalping, and +Burning up men, women, and children,—with +other Horrors and Outrages not to be +described in decent terms,—are just on a +par with these black Maroons. Now and +again would be found among them some +Household Runaways, or Field Hands born<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span> +into slavery on the Plantations,—and these +were most useful in acting as spies or scouts; +but as a rule the Head Men and Boldest +Villains among the Maroons were Savage +Negroes, just fresh from Africa, on whom +the bonds of servitude had sate but for a +short time, and who in the jungle were as +much at Home as though they were in their +native wilds again. Of great stature, of +prodigious strength, amazing Agility, and +astounding natural cunning, these creatures +were as ferocious as Wild Baboons that had +lived among civilized mankind just long +enough to learn the Art of firing off a Gun +and wielding a cutlass, instead of brandishing +a Tree-branch or heaving a Cocoa-nut. +They were without Pity; they were without +knowledge that theirs was a cut-throat, +nay, a cannibal trade. The white man had +made war on them, and torn them from +their Homes, where they were happy enough +in their Dirt and Grease, their War-paint, +and their idolatrous worship of Obeah and +Bungey. 'Twas these Men-monsters that +we went to hunt. The Planters themselves<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span> +were somewhat chary of dealing with them; +for the cruelty which the Maroons inflicted +on those who fell into their power were +Awful alone to contemplate, much more so +to Endure; but they were glad enough +when any gang of young Desperadoes of the +meaner white sort—which, speaking not for +myself, I am inclined to believe the Meanest +and most Despicable of any sort or condition +of Humanity—would volunteer to go +on a Maroon Hunt. We were to have a +Handsome Recompense, whether our enterprise +succeeded or failed; but were likewise +stimulated to increased exertion by the covenanted +promise of so many dollars—I +forget how many now—for every head of a +Maroon that we brought at our saddlebows +to the place of Rendezvous. And so we +started one summer morning, some twenty +strong, all young, valiant, and not overscrupulous, +armed, I need scarcely say, to +the teeth, and mounted on the rough but +fleet ponies of the country.</p> + +<p>A train of Negroes on whom we could +Depend—that is, by the strict application<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span> +of the law of Fear, not Kindness, and who +stood in such Terror of us, and of our ever-ready +Thongs, Halters, Pistols, and Cutlasses, +as scarcely to dare call their souls +their own—followed us with Sumpter mules +well laden with provisions, kegs of drink, +both of water and ardent, and additional +ammunition. I was full of glee at the prospects +of this Foray, vowed that it was a +hundred times pleasanter than making out +Maum Buckey's washing-books, and hearing +her scold her laundry-wenches; and longed +to prove to my companions that the Prowess +I had shown at twelve—ay, and before that +age, when I brained the Grenadier with the +Demijohn—had not degenerated now that I +was turned sixteen, and far away from my +own country. So we rode and rode, who +but we, and dined gaily under spreading +trees, boasting of the brave deeds we would +do when we had tracked the black Marooning +vagabonds to their lair. At which +those Negro servants upon whom we could +depend grinned from ear to ear, and told us +in their lingo that they "oped we would soon<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span> +Dam black negar tief out, and burn his +Fader like canebrake." "'Tis strange," I +thought, "that these creatures have not +more compassion for their fellows whom we +are hunting." To be sure, they were mostly +of the Household breed, between whom and +the fresh-imported Negroes held to field-service +there is little sympathy. It escaped +me to tell you that we had with us yet +more powerful and Trustworthy auxiliaries +than either our arms, our Horses, or our +servants; being none other than nine couples +of ferocious Bloodhounds, of a breed now +extinct in Jamaica, and to be found only at +this present moment, I believe, in the island +of Cuba. These animals, which were of a +terrible Ferocity and exquisitely keen scent, +were kept specially for the purpose of hunting +Maroons,—such are the Engines which +Tyrannical Slavery is compelled to have recourse +to,—and were purposely deprived of +food beyond that necessary for their bare +sustenance, that they might more fully relish +the Recompense that awaited them when +they had hunted down their prey.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span></p> + +<p>Gaily we went on our Road rejoicing, +now by mere bridle-paths, and now plunging +our hardy little steeds right through the +bristling underwood, when there burst upon +us one of those terrible Tornadoes, or Tempests +of wind and rain, so common in the +Western Indies. The water came down in +great solid sheets, drenching us to the skin +in a moment; the sky was lit up for hundreds +of miles round by huge blasts of lurid +fire; the wind tore great branches off trees, +and hurled them across the bows of our saddles, +or battered our faces with their soaked +leaves or sharp prickles. The very Dogs +were blinded and baffled by this tremendous +protest of nature; and in the very midst of +the storm there broke from an ambuscade a +band of Maroons, three times as strong as +our own, who fell upon us like incarnate +Demons as they were. Our hounds had +found their scent long before,—just after +dinner, indeed,—and we had been following +it for some two hours;—even now it was +Reeking close upon us, but we little deemed +how Near. I suppose that those Negro<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span> +Rascals, whom we had trusted so implicitly, +and on whom we thought that we could +Depend so thoroughly, had Betrayed us. +This was the second time in my short Life +that I fallen into an Ambuscade; and Lo! +each time the "Blacks" had been mixed up +with my misadventure.</p> + +<p>These naked Maroons cared nothing about +the Storm, whose torrents ran off their well-oiled +carcasses like water off a Duck's back. +There was a very Devil of a fight. 'Twas +every one for himself, and the Tempest for +us all. The Runaways were well armed, and +besides could use their teeth and nails to +better advantage than many a doughty Fighting +man can use his weapons, and clawed and +tore at us like Wild Beasts. I doubt not +we should have got the worst of it, but that +we were Mounted,—and a Man on horseback +is three times a Footman in a Hand-to-Hand +encounter; and again, that our good +friends the bloodhounds, that had been scared +somewhat at the outset, recovered their self-possession, +and proceeded each to pin his +Maroon, and to rend him to pieces with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span> +great deliberation. In the end, that is to +say, after about twenty-seven minutes' sharp +tussling, Dogs, Horses, and Men were victorious; +and, as we surveyed the scene of +our Triumph, the storm had spent its +fury. The black clouds cleared away as +suddenly as they had darkled upon us; +the Golden Sun came out, and the dreadful +scene was lit up in Splendour. Above, +indeed, it was all Beauty and Peace for +Nature cannot be long Angry. The trees +all seemed stemmed and sprayed with glistering +jewels; the moisture that rose had +the tints of an hundred Rainbows; the long +grass flashed and waved; the many birds in +the boughs began to sing Hymns of +Thankfulness and Joy. But below, ah, me! +what a Dreadful scene of blood and Carnage, +and Demoniac revenge, there was shown! +Of our band we had lost three Killed; five +more were badly Wounded; and there was +not one of us but had some Hurt of greater +or lesser seriousness. We had killed a many +of the Maroons; and the two or three that +had escaped with Life, albeit most grievously<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span> +gashed, were speedily put out of their misery. +Had we been seeking for Runaway house-servants, +we might have taken prisoners; +but with a wild African Maroon this is not +serviceable. The only thing that you can +do with him, when you catch him, is to kill +him.</p> + +<p>The Dead Bodies of our unfortunate companions +were laid across the sumpter mule's +back; but when we came to look for our train +of dependable Negroes, we found that all save +three had fled. These did so very strongly +protest their Innocence, and plead their +abiding by us as a proof thereof, that I felt +half inclined to hold them blameless. There +were those among us, however, who were of +a far different opinion, and were for lighting +a fire of branches and Roasting them into +confession. But there was a Scotch gentleman +among us by the name of MacSawby, +who, being of a Practical turn (as most of +his countrymen are, and, indeed, Edinborough +in Scotland is about the most +Practical town that ever I was in), pointed +out that we were all very Tired, and needed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span> +Refreshment and Repose; that the task of +Torturing Negroes gave much trouble and +consumed more time ("Aiblins it's douce +wark," quoth the Scotch gentleman); that +all the wood about was sopped with wet +(and a "Dry Roast's best," said the Scotch +Gentleman); and finally, that the thing could +be much better done at home, where we had +proper Engines and Instruments for inflicting +Exquisite Agony, and proper Slaves to +administer the same. So that for the nonce, +and for our own Convenience, we were +Merciful, and promised to defer making +necessary Inquisition, by means of Cowhide, +Tamarind-bush, and Fire-cane, until our +return to the Rendezvous.</p> + +<p>I should tell you that I got a Hurt in my +hand from a kind of short Chopper or +Tommyhawk that one of the Savages carried. +'Twas fortunately my left hand, and seeming +but a mere scratch, I thought little or +nothing about it. But at the end of the +second day it began to swell and swell to a +most alarming size and tumorous discoloration, +the inflammation extending right up<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span> +my arm, even to my shoulder. Then it +was agreed on all sides that the blade of the +Tommyhawk with which I had been stricken +must have been anointed with some subtle +and deadly Poison, of the which not only +the Maroons but the common Household +and Town Negroes have many, preparing +them themselves, and obstinately refusing, +whether by hope of Reward or fear of +punishment, to reveal the secret of their +components to the Whites. I had to rest +at the nearest Plantation to our battle-field; +and the Planter—who had been a captain +in the Chevalier de St. George's service (the +old one), that had come out here, after the +troubles of 1715, a Banished man, but had +since been pardoned, and had taken to +Planting, and grown Rich—was kind enough +to permit me to be taken into his house and +laid in one of his own Guest-chambers, where +I was not only tended by his own Domestics, +but was sometimes favoured with the Attention +and sympathy of his angelic Wife, a +young woman of most charming countenance +and lively manners, most cheerful, pious,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span> +and Humane, taking great care of her slaves, +physicking them frequently, reading to +them little books written by persons of the +Nonconforming persuasion,—a kind of +doctrine that I never could abide,—and +never suffering them to be whipped upon a +Sunday. However, I grew worse; whereupon +one Mr. Sprague, that set up for +surgeon, but was more like a Boatswain +turned landsman than that, or than a Horse, +came to me, and was for cutting off my arm, +to prevent mortification. There were two +obstacles in the way of this operation's performance; +the first being that Mr. Sprague +had no proper instruments by him beyond +a fleam and a syringe, with which, and with +however good a will, you can scarcely sever +a Man's limb from his Body; and the next +that Mr. Sprague was not sober. Love for +a young widow had driven him to drinking, +it was said; but I think that it was more +the Love of Liquor to which his bibulous +backslidings were owing. 'Twas lucky for +me that he had nor saw nor tourniquet with +him. It is true that he departed in quest<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span> +of some Carpenter's Tools, which he declared +would do the job quite as well; but, again +to my good luck, the carpenter was as Rare +a pottlepot as he; and they two took to +boiling rum in a calabash and drinking of +it, and smoking of Tobacco, and playing at +Skimming Dish Hob, Spie the Market, +Shove-halfpenny, Brag, Put, and Dilly Dally, +and other games that reminded them of the +old country, for days and nights together +so that the old Negro woman that belonged +to the carpenter, seeing them gambling +and drinking in the morning just as she +had left them drinking and gambling +the overnight, stared with amazement +like a Mouse in a Throwster's mill. +And by the time they had finished their +Rouse I was, through Heaven's kindness +and the segacity of a Negro nurse named +Cubjack, cured. This woman, it is probable +knew the secret of the Poison from the bitter +effects of which I was suffering. At all +events, she took me in hand, and by warm +fomentations and bathings, and some outward +applications of herbs and anointed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span> +bandages, reduced the swelling and restored +my hand to its proper Form and Hue. At +the end of the week I was quite cured, and +able to resume my journey back to Kingston. +I did not fail to express my gratitude to the +hospitable Planter and his Lady, and I gave +the Nurse Cubjack half a dollar and a silver +tobacco-stopper that had been presented to +me by Maum Buckey.</p> + +<p>As a perverse destiny would have it, this +Tobacco-stopper, this harmless trinket, was +the very means of my losing my situation, +and parting in anger from my Pumpkin-faced +Patroness. Although I was, even at +the present dating, but a raw lad, she took +it into her head to be jealous of me, and all +about this silver pipe-stopper. She vowed +I had given it away to some Quadroon lass +up country; she would not hearken to my +protests of having bestowed it upon the +nurse who had saved my life; and indeed +when, at my instance, inquiries were made, +Cubjack's replies did not in any way bear +out my statement. The unhappy creature, +who had probably sold my Tobacco-stopper<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span> +for a few joes, or been deluded out of it by +the Obeah Man, and was afraid of being +flogged if discovery were made thereof, +positively denied that I had given her anything +beyond the half-dollar. You see that +these Negroes have no more idea of the +pernicious quality of the Sin of Lying, than +has a white European shopkeeper deluding +a Lady into buying of a lustring or a +paduasoy; and see what similar vices there +are engendered among savages and Christian +folks by opposite causes.</p> + +<p>We had a fearful war of words together, +Maum Buckey and myself. She was a +bitter woman when vexed, and called me +"beggar buckra," "poor white trash," "tam +lily thief," and the like. Whereat I told +her plainly that I had no liking for her +lackered countenance, and that she was a +mahogany-coloured, slave-driving, old curmudgeon, +that in England would be shown +about at the fairs for a penny a peep. At +the which she screamed with rage, and threw +at me a jug of sangaree. Heavy enough it +was; but the old lady had not so good an<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span> +Aim as I had when I brained the Grenadier +with the demijohn.</p> + +<p>We had little converse after that. There +were some wages due, and these she paid +me, telling me that I might "go to de +Debble," and that if she ever saw me again, +she hoped it would be to see me hanged. I +could have got Employment, I doubt not, +in Jamaica, or in some other of the islands; +but I was for the time sick of the Western +Indies, and was resolved, come what might, +to tempt my fortune in Europe. A desire +to return to England first came over me; +nor am I ashamed to confess that, mingled +with my wish to see my own country once +more, was a Hope that I might meet the +Traitorous Villain Hopwood, and tell him to +his teeth what a false Deceiver I took him +to be. You see how bold a lad can be when +he has turned the corner of sixteen; but it +was always so with John Dangerous.</p> + +<p>Some difficulty, nay, considerable obstacles, +I encountered in obtaining a ship to +carry me to Europe. The vindictive yellow +woman, with whom (through no fault of my<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span> +own, I declare) I was in disfavour, did so +pursue me with her Animosity as to prejudice +one Sea Captain after another against me; +and it was long ere any would consent to +treat with me, even as a Passenger. To +those of my own nation did she in particular +speak against me with such virulence, that +in sheer despite I abandoned for the time +my intention of going to England, and determined +upon making for some other part +of Europe, where I might push my fortune. +And there being in port early in the winter +a Holland ship, named the <i>Gebrüder</i>, which +was bound for Ostend, I struck a bargain +with the skipper of her, a decent man, whose +name was Van Ganderdrom, and prepared to +leave the colony in which I had passed over +four years of my Eventful Life. Some friends +who took an interest in me,—the "bright +English lad," as they called me,—and who +thought I had been treated by Maum Buckey +with some unnecessary degree of Harshness, +made up a purse of money for me, by which +I was enabled to pay my Passage Money in +advance, and lay in a stock of Provisions for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span> +the voyage; for, save in the way of Schnapps, +Cheeses, and Herrings, the Holland ships +were at that time but indifferently well +Found. When every thing was paid, I found +that I had indeed but a very small Surplus +remaining; but there was no other way, and +I bade adieu to the island of Jamaica, as I +thought, for ever.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRD.</h2> + +<h3>OF WHAT BEFEL ME IN THE LOW COUNTRIES.</h3> + + +<div class='unindent'><span class="smcap">I landed</span>, after a long and tedious voyage, at +the town of Ostend, it being the Spring time +of the year 1729, with Youth, Health, a +strong Frame, and a comely Countenance (as +they told me), indeed, but with just two +Guineas in my pouch for all my Fortune. +Many a Lord Mayor of London has begun +the World, 'tis said, with a yet more slender +Provision (I wonder what Harpy Hopwood +had to begin with?) and Eighteenpence +would seem to be the average of Capital +Stock for an Adventurer that is to heap up +Riches. Still I seemed to have made my +Start in Life's Voyage a great many times, +and to have been very near ending with it +more than once—witness the Aylesbury<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span> +Assizes. Thus I felt rather Despondency +than Hope at being come almost to manhood, +and but to a beggarly Estate of Two-and-forty +shillings. "But," said I, "courage, +Jack Dangerous; thou hast strong legs and +a valorous Stomach; at least thou needst not +starve (bar cutpurses) for two-and-forty days; +thou hast a knowledge of the French tongue," +(which I picked up from a Huguenot emigrant +from Languedoc, who was a Barber at +Kingston, and taught me for well-nigh +nothing), "and art cunning of Fence. Be +the world thine Oyster, as the Playactor has +it, and e'en open it with a Spadapoint." In +this not unwholesome frame of mind I came +out of the ship <i>Gebrüder</i>, and set foot on the +Port with something like a Defiance of Fortune's +scurvy tricks fermenting within me.</div> + +<p>The Shipmaster recommended me to a very +cleanly Tavern, by the sign of the Red +Goose, kept in the Ganz-Straet by a widow-woman +named Giessens. 'Twas Goose here, +Goose there, and Goose every where, so it +seemed with this good Frau; for she served +Schiedam at the sign of the Goose, and she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span> +lived in Goose Street. She had herself a +long neck and a round body and flat feet, +going waddling and hissing about the house, +a-scolding of her maids, like any Michaelmas +matron among the stubble; not to forget +her children, of whom she had a flock, +waddling and hissing in their little way too, +and who were all as like goslings as Sherris +is like Sack. Little would have lacked for +her to give me hot roast goose to my dinner, +and goose-pie for supper, and some unguent +of goose-grease to anoint my Pate with, +had it chanced to be broken; and truly if I +had lived under the sign of the Goose for +many days, I might have taken to waddling +and hissing too in my own Generation, and +have been in time as brave a goose as any of +them. Here there was a civil enough company +of Seafaring men, Mates, Pilots, Supercargoes, +and the like, with some Holland +traders, and, if I mistake not, a few Smugglers +that had contraband dealings in Cambrics, +Steenkirks, Strong waters, and Point +of Bruxelles. These last worthies did I carefully +avoid; for since my Boyish Mischances<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span> +I had imbibed a wholesome fear of hurting +the King's Revenue, or meddling in any way +with his Prerogative. "Well out of it, Jack +Dangerous," I said. "Touch not His Majesty's +Deer, nor His Majesty's Customs, and +there shall be no sense of a tickling in thy +windpipe when thou passest a post that is +like unto the sign of the Tyburn Tavern." +'Tis astonishing how gingerly a man will +walk who has once been within an ace of +dancing upon nothing.</p> + +<p>There is a mighty quantity of Sand and +good store of Mud at Ostend, and a very +comforting smell of fish; and so the High +Dutch gentry, who, poor souls, know very +little about the sea, and see no more salt +water from Life's beginning unto its end than +is contained within the compass of a pickling-tub, +do use the place much for Bathing, and +brag about their Dips and Flounderings, +crying out, <i>Die Zee ist mein Lust</i>, in their +plat Deutsch, as though they had all been +born so many Porpoises. I would walk upon +a morning much upon the Ramping-Parts, +or Fortifications of the Town, watching<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span> +whole caravans of Bathers, both of High and +Low Dutch Gentry, coming to be dipped, +borne into the Sea by sturdy Fellows that +carried them like so many Sacks of Coals, +and who would Discharge them into shallows +with little more Ceremony than they would +use in shooting such a cargo of Fuel into a +cellar. "When my Money is gone," thought +I, "I may earn a crust by the like labour." +But then I bethought me that I was a +Stranger among them; that they might be +Jealous of me; and, indeed, when I imparted +my design to the Widow-woman Giessens, +who was beholden to me, she said, for that +I had warned her how poor a guest I was +growing, she told me that much interest was +needed to obtain one of these Bather's places—almost +as much, forsooth, as is wanted to +get the berth of a Tide-waiter in England,—and +these rascals were always waiting for +the tide. Something like a Patent had to be +humbly sued for, and fat fees paid to Syndics +and Burgomasters, for the fine Privilege of +sousing the gentry in the Brine. The good +woman offered me Credit till I should find<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span> +employment, and did so vehemently press a +couple of Guilders upon me to defray my +present charges, that I had not the heart to +refuse, although I took care to avise her that +my prospects of being able to repay her were +as far off as the Cape of Good Hope.</p> + +<p>It chanced one morning that I was walking +out of the Town by the side of the Sea +below the fortified parts to the Norrard. +'Twas fine and calm enough, and there was +not so much Swell as to take a Puppy off his +swimming legs; but suddenly I heard a great +Outcry and Hubbub, and perceived, some ten +feet from me in the Water the head of a Man +convulsed with Terror, and who was crying +out with all his might that he was Drowning, +that he should never see his dear Mamma +again, and that all his Estate would go to the +Heir-at-Law, whom, as well as he could, +for screeching and spluttering, he Cursed +heartily in the English tongue. I wondered +how he could be in such a Pother, seeing +that he was so close to shore, and that moreover +there were those nigh unto him who +could have helped him if they had had a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span> +Mind to it. Close upon him was a Fat gentleman +in a clergyman's cassock and a prodigious +Fluster, who kept crying out, "Save +him! Save him!" but budged not a foot to +come to his assistance himself; and, but a +dozen yards or so, was a Flemish Fellow, one +of the Bathers, who, so far as I could make +out from his shaking his head and crying +out, "nicht" and "Geld,"—the rest of his +lingo was Greek to me,—did refuse to save +the Gentleman unless he had more Money +given him. For these Bathing-men were a +most Mercenary Pack. In a much shorter +time than it has taken me to put this on +Paper I had off coat and vest, kicked off my +shoes, and struck into the water. 'Twas of +the shallowest, and I had but to wade towards +him who struggled. When I came +anigh him, he must even catch hold of me, +clinging like Grim Death or a Barnacle to +the bottom of a Barge, very nearly dragging +me down. But I was happily strong; and +so, giving him with my disengaged arm a +sound Cuff under the ear, the better to Preserve +his Life, I seized him by the waist with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span> +the other, and so dragged him up high, if not +dry, unto the Sandy Shore. And a pretty +sight he looked there, dripping and Shivering, +although the sun shone Brightly, and he well +nigh Blue with Fright.</p> + +<p>What do you think the first words were +that my Gentleman uttered so soon as he +had got his tongue clear of Salt and Seaweed?</p> + +<p>"You villain!" he cries to me, "you have +assaulted me. Take witness, Gentlemen, he +hath stricken me under the Ear. I will +have him in the King's Bench for Battery. +Mr. Hodge, you saw it; and you leave me +this day week for allowing your Patron to +be within an inch of Drowning."</p> + +<p>I was always of a Hot Temper, and this +cavalier treatment of me after my Services +threw me into a Rage.</p> + +<p>"Why, you little half-boiled Shrimp," I +bawled out, "I have a mind to clout your +under t'other Ear, that Brothers may not +complain of Favour, and e'en carry you to +where I found you."</p> + +<p>The Gentleman in the cassock began to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span> +break out in excuses, saying that his Patron +would reward me, and that he was glad that +an Englishman had been by to rescue a +Person of Quality from such great Peril, +when that Flanders Oaf younger—the extortionate +villain—would not stir a finger to +help him unless he had half a guilder over +and above his fee.</p> + +<p>"Let him dry and dress himself," I said, +in Dudgeon; "and if he be not civil to a +Countryman, who is as good as he, I will +kick him back to his Inn, and you too."</p> + +<p>"A desperate youth!" murmured the +Clergyman, as he handed his Patron a great +bundle of towels; "and very meanly clad."</p> + +<p>I walked away a few paces while the +gentleman dried and dressed himself. Had +I obeyed the Promptings of Pride, I should +have gone on my ways and left him to his +likings; but I was exceedingly Poor, and +thought it Foolish to throw away the chance +of receiving what his Generosity might bestow +upon me. The Bathing-Man, who had +been already paid his Fee, had the impudence +to come up and ask for more "Geld,"—for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span> +minding the gentleman's clothes, as I +gathered from the speech of the clergyman, +who understood Flemish. He was, however, +indignantly refused, and, not relishing, +perchance, the likelihood of a scuffle with +three Englishmen, straightway decamped.</p> + +<p>By and by the Gentleman was dressed, +and a very smart appearance he made in a +blue shag frock laced with silver, a yellow +waistcoat bound with black velvet, green +paduasoy breeches, red stockings, gold +buckles, an ivory hilt to his sword, and a +white feather in his hat. I have no mind to +write out Taylor's accompts, but I do declare +this to be the exact Schedule of his +Equipment. Under the hat, which had a +kind of Sunday Marylabonne cock to it, +there bulged forth a mighty White Periwig +of fleecy curls, for all the world like the coat +of a Bologna Poodle Dog, and in the middle +of his Wig there peeped out a little hatchet +face with lantern jaws, and blue gills, and a +pair of great black eyebrows, under which +glistened a pair of inflamed eyes. He was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span> +not above five feet three inches, and his +fingers, very long and skinny, went to and +fro under his Point ruffles like a Lobster's +Feelers. The Chaplain, who waited upon +him as a Maid would on a lardy-dardy woman +of Fashion, handed my Gentleman a very +tall stick with a golden knob at the end on't, +and with this, and a laced handkerchief and +a long cravat, which he had likely bought at +Mechlin, and a Snuff-box in the lean little +Paw that held not the cane, he looked for +all the world like one of my Grandmother's +Footmen who had run away and turned +Dancing Master.</p> + +<p>"This, young man," said the Chaplain, +making a low bow as he spoke to the comical +Image before him, "is Bartholomew Pinchin, +Esquire, of Hampstead. Make your reverence, +sirrah!"</p> + +<p>"Make a reverence to a Rag-doll!" I +answered, with a sneer. "He hath left his +twin brother beyond sea. I know him, and +he is a Barbary Ape."</p> + +<p>"The rogue is insolent," says B. Pinchin,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span> +Esq., clutching tighter at his tall cane, but +turning very white the while. "I must +batoon him into better manners."</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">What!</span>" I cried in a great voice, making +a step towards him, for my blood was up. I +would but have tweaked the little creature's +Ears; but he, for a surety, thought I had a +mind to Murder him. I do aver that he fell +upon his knees, and with most piteous Accents +and Protestations entreated me, for +the sake of his Mamma, to spare his life, +and he would give me all I asked.</p> + +<p>I was quite bewildered, and turning towards +the Parson, asked if his master was +Mad; to which he made answer with some +Heat, that he was no Master of his, but his +Honoured Friend and Gracious Patron; +whereupon the little Spark must go up to +him, whimpering and cuddling about him, +and beseeching him to save him from the +Tall Rogue, meaning me.</p> + +<p>"Body o' me, man," I exclaimed, scarcely +able to keep from laughing, "I mean you +no harm. I am a young Englishman, lately +come from the Plantations, and seeking employment.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span> +I see you struggling yonder, +and likely to give up the ghost, and I pull +you out; and then you call me Rogue and +charge me with striking of you. Was it +cramp or cowardice that made you bawl so? +Give me something to drink better manners +to you, and I will leave you and this reverend +gentleman alone."</p> + +<p>The Parson bowed his head with a pleased +look when I called him Reverend and a +Gentleman, and, in an under-tone, told his +Patron that I was a civilly behaved youth, +after all. But the Poltroon with the white +wig was not out of his Pother yet. He had +risen to his feet with a patch of sand on +each knee, and as the Chaplain wiped it off +with a kerchief, he blubbered out that I +wanted to rob him.</p> + +<p>The Clergyman whispered in his ear—perhaps +that I was a Dangerous looking +Fellow, and might lose my temper anon to +some tune: for my Whippersnapper approaches +me, and, in a manner Civil enough, +tells me that he is much obliged for what I +had done for him. "And you will take<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span> +this," says he. I will be shot if he did not +give me an English groat.</p> + +<p>"You can readily get English coin changed +in the town," he observed with a smirk, as +in sheer bewilderment I gazed upon this +paltry doit.</p> + +<p>I was desperately minded to Fling it at +him, knock him and the Chaplain down, and +leave the precious pair to pick themselves +up again, but I forebore. "Well," I said, +"if that's the value you put upon your life, +I can't grumble at your Guerdon. I suppose +that shrivelled little carcass of yours +isn't worth more than fourpence. I'll e'en +change it in town, and buy fourpennyworth +of Dutch cheese, and you shall have the +parings for nothing to send to your Mamma +as a gift from foreign parts. Good morning +to you, my noble Captain." And so saying +I walked away in a Fume of Wrath and +Contempt.</p> + +<p>I was idling, that same afternoon, along +the Main street of Ostend very much in the +Dumps, and thinking of going down to the +Port to seek a cook's place from some Ship<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span> +Master, for I was not yet Qualified to engage +as an Able-bodied Mariner, when I +met the Chaplain again, this time alone, +and coming out of a pastryman's shop. I +would have passed him, as holding both him +and his master in Disdain, but he Arrested +me, and beckoned me into an Entry, there +to have some Speech.</p> + +<p>"My Patron is somewhat quick and hasty, +and was uncommonly flustered by his mischance +this morning," quoth the Rev. Mr. +Hodge. "Nor perhaps did he use you as +liberally as he should have done. Here is a +golden guilder for you, honest man."</p> + +<p>I thanked him, and as I pouched it told +him that I would have taken no Money at +all for a service which every man is bound +to render to his Fellow-creature, but that I +was sorely pressed for Money. On this, he +asked my name and belongings. The name +I gave him, at the which he winced somewhat; +but of my history I did not care to +enlighten him further beyond broadly stating +that I had come from the Plantations, +where I had been used to keep Accompts,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span> +and that I was an Orphan, and had no +friends in England, even if I possessed the +means to return thither.</p> + +<p>"I think I can find you a place," the +chaplain replied, when I had finished. +"'Twill not be a very handsome one, but +the work is little and light. Would it meet +your purpose, now, to attend on a gentleman?"</p> + +<p>"It depends," I replied, "on what kind of +a Gentleman he is."</p> + +<p>"A Gentleman of landed Estate," quoth +the parson, quite pat. "An English gentleman, +now travelling for his Diversion, +but will, in good time, settle down in England, +to live on his Acres in a Handsome +manner, and be a justice of peace, and of +the Quorum."</p> + +<p>"Do you mean your Squire of Hampstead, +yonder?" I answered, pointing my +thumb over my shoulder, as though in the +direction where I had met his Reverence +and his Patron that morning.</p> + +<p>"I do," responds Mr. Hodge.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Bartholomew Pinchin, of Hampstead, +Esquire, eh?" I continued.</p> + +<p>"Exactly so."</p> + +<p>"Then," I went on, raising my voice, and +giving a furious glance at my companion, +"I'll see Bartholomew Pinchin boiled, and +I'll see Bartholomew Pinchin baked, and his +Esquireship to boot, before I'll be his servant. +He, a mean, skulking, pinchbeck +hound! Tell him I'm meat for his master, +and that he has no service, body or lip, of +mine."</p> + +<p>"Tut, tut, you foolish lad," said Mr. +Hodge, not in the least offended. "What +a wild young colt it is, and how impatient! +For all your strapping figure, now, I doubt +whether you are twenty years of age."</p> + +<p>I answered, with something like a Blush, +that I was not yet seventeen.</p> + +<p>"There it is,—there it is," the Chaplain +took me, chuckling. "As I thought. A +mere boy. A very lad. Not come to years +of discretion yet, and never will, if he goes +on raging in this manner. Hearken to me,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span> +youngster. Don't be such a fool as to throw +away a good chance."</p> + +<p>"I don't see where it is yet," I observed +sulkily yet sheepishly; for there was a +Good-natured air about the Chaplain that +overcame me.</p> + +<p>"But I do," he rejoined. "The good +chance you have is of getting a comfortable +place, with a smart livery—"</p> + +<p>"I won't wear a livery," I cried, in a +heat. "I'll be no man's lacquey; I'm a +gentleman."</p> + +<p>"So was Adam," retorted Mr. Hodge, +"and the very first of the breed; but he +had to wear a livery of fig-leaves for all that, +and so had his wife, Eve. Come, 'tis better +to don a land-jerkin, and a hat with a ribbon +to 't, and be a Gentleman's Gentleman, +with regular Wages and Vails, and plenty +of good Victuals every day, than to be +starving and in rags about the streets of a +Flemish town."</p> + +<p>"I'm not starving; I'm not in rags," I +protested, with my Proud stomach.</p> + +<p>"But you will be the day after to-morrow.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span> +The two things always go together. +Come, my young friend, I'll own that Bartholomew +Pinchin, Esquire, is not generous."</p> + +<p>"Generous!" I exclaimed; "why, he's +the meanest little hunks that ever lanced +a paving stone to find blood for black +puddings in it. Didn't he give me fourpence +this morning for saving his life?"</p> + +<p>"And didn't you tell him that his life +wasn't worth more than a groat?" asked +the Chaplain, with a sly grin; "besides insulting +him on the question of Dutch cheese +(to which he has an exquisite aversion), into +the bargain?"</p> + +<p>"That's true," I replied, vanquished by +the Parson's logic.</p> + +<p>"There, then," his Reverence went on. +"Bartholomew Pinchin Esquire's more +easily managed than you think for. Do +you prove a good servant, and it shall be +my duty to make him show himself a good +master to you. But I must have no further +parley with you here, else these Papistical +Ostenders will think that you are some +Flemish lad (for indeed you have somewhat<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span> +of a foreign air), and I a Lutheran Minister +striving to convert you. Get you back to +your Inn, good youth. Pay your score, if +you have one, and if you have not, e'en +spend your guilder in treating of your companions, +and come to me at nine of the +clock this evening at the Inn of the Three +Archduchesses. Till then, fare you well."</p> + +<p>It must be owned that his Reverence's +proposals were fair, and that his conversation +was very civil. As I watched him +trotting up the Main Street, his Cassock +bulging out behind, I agreed with myself +that perhaps the most prudent thing I could +do just at present would be to put my gentility +in my pocket till better times came +round. There was a Spanish Don, I believe, +once upon a time, who did very nearly the +same thing with his sword.</p> + +<p>At the appointed time I duly found myself +at the sign of the Three Archduchesses, +which was the bravest Hostelry in all +Ostend, and the one where all the Quality +put up. I asked for Bartholomew Pinchin, +Esquire, in the best French that I could<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span> +muster; whereupon the drawer, who was a +Fleming, and, I think, spoke even worse +French than I did, asked me if I meant the +English Lord who had the grand suite of +apartments looking on the courtyard. I was +fit to die of laughing at first to hear the +trumpery little Hampstead squire spoken of +as a lord; but Prudence came to my aid +again, and I answered that such was the +personage I came to seek; and, after not +much delay, I was ushered into the presence +of Mr. Pinchin, whose Esquiredom—and +proud enough he was of it—I may now as +well Drop. I found him in a very handsome +apartment, richly furnished, drinking +Burgundy with his chaplain, and with a +pack of cards alongside the bottles, and +two great wax candles in sconces on either +side. But, as he drank his Burgundy, he +ceased not to scream and whimper at the +expense he was being put to in having such +a costly liquor at his table, and scolded +Mr. Hodge very sorely because he had not +ordered some thin Bordeaux, or light Rhine +wine. "I'm drinking guineas," he moaned,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span> +as he gulped down his Goblets; "it'll be +the ruin of me. A dozen of this is as bad +as a Mortgage upon my Titmouse Farm. +What'll my mamma say? I shall die in the +poor-house." But all this time he kept on +drinking; and it was not glass and glass +about with him, I promise you, for he took +at least three bumpers full to his Chaplain's +one, and eyed that reverend personage grudgingly +as he seized his opportunity, and +brimmed up the generous Red Liquor in +his tall-stemmed glass. Yet the Chaplain +seemed in no way discountenanced by his +scanty allowance, and I thought that, perchance, +his Reverence liked not wine of +Burgundy.</p> + +<p>They were playing a hand of piquet when +I was introduced; and they being Gentlefolks, +and I a poor humble Serving Man that +was to be, I was bidden to wait, which I did +very patiently in the embrasure of a window, +admiring the great dark tapestried curtains +as they loomed in indistinct gorgeousness +among the shadows. The hand of piquet<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span> +was over at last, and Mr. Pinchin found that +he had lost three shillings and sixpence.</p> + +<p>"I can't pay it, I can't pay it," he said, +making a most rueful countenance. "I'm +eaten out of house and home, and sharped at +cards besides. It's a shame for a Parson to +play foul,—I say foul, Mr. Hodge. It's a +disgrace to the cloth to bring your wicked +card-cheating practices to devalise an English +gentleman who is travelling for his +diversion."</p> + +<p>"We'll play the game over again, if you +choose, Worthy Sir," the Chaplain answers +quite quietly.</p> + +<p>"Yes, and then you'll win seven shillings +of me. You've sworn to bring me to beggary +and ruin. I know you swore it when +my mamma sent you abroad with me. Oh, +why did I come to foreign parts with a +wicked, guzzling, gambling, chambering +Chaplain, that's in league with the very host +and the drawers of this thieving inn against +me—that burns me a guinea a night in wax +candles, and has had a freehold farm out of +me in Burgundy wine."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I've have had but two glasses the entire +evening," the Chaplain pleaded, in a voice +truly that was meek; but I thought that, +even at the distance I stood from him, I +could see the colour rising in his cheek.</p> + +<p>"Oh, you have, you have," went on Squire +Bartholomew, who, if not half Mad, was +certainly more than three parts Muzzy; +"you've ruined me, Mr. Hodge, with your +cards and your candles and your Burgundy, +and Goodness only knows what else besides."</p> + +<p>The Chaplain could stand it no longer; +and rose in a Rage.</p> + +<p>"I wish all the candles and the cards were +down your throat," he cried; "nearly all the +wine is there already. I wish they'd choke +you. I wish they were all in the pit of your +stomach, and turned to hot burning coals. +What shall I do with you, you cadaverous +little jackanapes? The Lout did well this +morning—"(I was the Lout, by your leave) +"to—to liken thee to one, for thou art more +monkey than man. But for fear of staining +my cassock, I'd—I'd—"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span></p> + +<p>He advanced towards him with a vengeful +air, clenching his fist, as well as I could +see, as he approached. Surely there never +was such a comical character as this Bartholomew +Pinchin. 'Tis the bare truth, that, as +the enraged parson came at him, this Gentleman +of broad acres drops down again on his +marrowbones, just as I had seen him on the +sands in the morning; and lifting up his +little skinny hands towards the ceiling, +begins yelling and bawling out louder than +ever.</p> + +<p>"Spare my life! spare my life!" he cried, +"Take my watch and trinkets. Take my +Gold Medal of the Pearl of Brunswick Club. +Take the diamond solitaire I wear in my +great Steenkirk on Sundays. Go to my +Bankers, and draw every penny I've got in +the world. Turn me out a naked, naked +Pauper; but oh, Mr. Hodge spare my life. +I'm young. I've been a sinner. I want to +give a hundred Pounds to Lady Wackerbarth's +charity school. I want to do every +body good. Take my gold, but spare my +life. Oh, you tall young man in the corner<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span> +there, come and help an English gentleman +out of the hands of a murtherous Chaplain."</p> + +<p>"Why, you craven cur, you," puts in the +Chaplain, bending over him with half-poised +fist, yet with a kind of half-amusement in +his features, "don't you know that the Tall +young Man, as you call him, is the poor +English lad who saved your worthless little +carcass from drowning this morning, and +whom you offered to recompense with a +Scurvy Groat."</p> + +<p>"I'll give him forty pound, I will," blubbered +Mr. Pinchin, still on his knees. "I'll +give him fifty pound when my Midsummer +rents come in, only let him rescue me from +the jaws of the roaring lion. Oh, my Mamma! +my mamma!"</p> + +<p>"Come forward, then, young man," cried +the Chaplain, with a smile of disdain on his +good-humoured <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'coutenance'">countenance</ins>, "and help this +worthy and courageous gentleman to his +legs. Don't be afraid, Squire Barty. <i>He</i> +won't murder you."</p> + +<p>I advanced in obedience to the summons, +and putting a hand under either armpit of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span> +the Squire, helped him on to his feet. Then, +at a nod of approval, I set him in the great +arm-chair of Utrecht velvet. Then I pointed +to the bottle on the table, and looked at Mr. +Hodge, as though to ask whether he thought +a glass of Burgundy would do the patient +good.</p> + +<p>"No," said the Chaplain. "He's had +enough Burgundy. He'd better have a +flask of champagne to give him some spirits. +Will you drink a flask of champagne, +Squire?" he continued, addressing his patron +in a strangely authoritative voice.</p> + +<p>"Yes," quoth the little man, whose periwig +was all Awry, and who looked, on the +whole, a most doleful figure,—"yes, if you +please, Mr. Hodge."</p> + +<p>"Vastly pretty! And what am I to have? +<i>I</i> think I should like some Burgundy."</p> + +<p>"Any thing," murmured the discomfited +Squire; "only spare my—"</p> + +<p>"Tush! your life's in no danger. <i>We'll</i> +take good care of it. And this most obliging +English youth,—will your Honour offer +him no refreshment? What is he to have?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[114]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Can he drink beer?" asked the Squire, +in a faint voice, and averting his head, as +though the having to treat me was too much +for him.</p> + +<p>"Can you drink beer?" echoed the Chaplain, +looking at me, but shaking his head +meanwhile, as if to warn me not to consent +to partake of so cheap a beverage.</p> + +<p>"It's very cheap," added Mr. Pinchin, +very plaintively. "It isn't a farthing a glass; +and when you get used to it, it's better for +the inwards than burnt brandy. Have a +glass of beer, good youth. Kind Mr. Hodge, +let them bring him a glass of Faro."</p> + +<p>"Hang your faro! I don't like it," I said, +bluntly.</p> + +<p>"What will you have, then?" asked the +Squire, with a gasp of agony, and his head +still buried in the chair-cushion.</p> + +<p>It seemed that the Chaplain's lips, as he +looked at me, were mutely forming the +letters W I N E. So I put a bold front +upon it, and said,</p> + +<p>"Why, I should like, master, to drink<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[115]</a></span> +your health in a bumper of right Burgundy +with this good Gentleman here."</p> + +<p>"He will have Burgundy," whimpered +Mr. Pinchin, half to the chair-cushion, and +half to his periwig. "He will have Burgundy. +The ragged, tall young man will +have Burgundy at eight livres ten sols the +flask. Oh, let him have it, and let me die! +for he and the Parson have sworn to my +Mamma to murder me and have my blood, +and leave me among Smugglers, and Papistry, +and Landlords who have sworn to ruin me in +waxen candles."</p> + +<p>There was something at once so ludicrous, +and yet so Pathetic, in the little man's +lamentations, that I scarcely knew whether +to laugh or to cry. His feelings seemed so +very acute, and he himself so perfectly sincere +in his moanings and groanings, that it +was almost Barbarity to jeer at him. The +Chaplain, however, was, to all appearance, +accustomed to these little Comedies; for, +whispering to me that it was all Mr. Pinchin's +manner, and that the young Gentleman<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span> +meant no harm, he bade me bestir myself +and hurry up the servants of the House +to serve supper. So not only were the +champagne and the Burgundy put on table,—and +of the which there was put behind a +screen a demiflask of the same true vintage +for my own private drinking. ("And the +Squire will be pleased, when he comes to +Audit the score, to find that you have been +content with Half a bottle. 'Twill seem +like something saved out of the Fire," +whispers the Chaplain to me, as I helped to +lay the cloth),—not only were Strong +Waters and sweet Liquors and cordials provided, +especially that renowned stomachic +the Maraschyno, of which the Hollanders +and Flemings are so outrageously fond, +and which is made to such perfection in the +Batavian settlements in Asia, but a substantial +Repast likewise made its appearance, +comprising Fowl, both wild and tame, and +hot and cold, a mighty pasty of veal and +eggs, baked in a Standing Crust, some +curious fresh sallets, and one of potatoes +and salted herrings flavoured with garlic—to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[117]</a></span> +me most villanously nasty, but much +affected in these amphibious Low Countries. +So, the little Squire being brought to with a +copious draught of champagne,—and he was +the most weazened little Bacchus I ever +knew, moistening his ever-dry throttle from +morn until night,—he and the chaplain sate +down to supper, and remained feasting until +long past midnight. So far as the Parson's +part went, it might have been called a +Carouse as well as a Feast, for his Reverence +took his Liquor, and plenty of it, with a +joviality of Countenance the which it would +have done your Heart good to see, drinking +"Church and King," and then "King and +Church," so that neither Institution should +have cause to grumble, and then giving the +Army, the Navy, the Courts of Quarter +Sessions throughout England, Newmarket +and the horses, not forgetting the Jockeys, +the pious memory of Dr. Sacheverell, at +which the Squire winced somewhat, for he +was a bitter Whig, with many other elegant +and appropriate sentiments. In fact, it was +easy to see that his reverence had known the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[118]</a></span> +very best of company, and when at one of +the clock he called for a Bowl of Punch, +which he had taught the Woman of the +House very well how to brew, I put him +down as one who had sate with Lords,—ay +and of the Council too, over their Potations. +But the Behaviour of Bartholomew Pinchin, +Esquire, was, from the beginning unto the +end of the Regale, of a piece with his former +extraordinary and Grotesque conduct. After +the champagne, he essayed to sing a song to +the tune of "Cold and Raw," but, failing +therein, he began to cry. Then did he accuse +me of having secreted the Liver Wing of a +Capon, which, I declare, I had seen him devour +not Five Minutes before. Then he +had more Drink, and proposed successively +as Toasts his Cousin Lady Betty Heeltap, +daughter to my Lord Poddle; a certain +Madame Van Foorst, whom I afterwards +discovered to be the keeper of a dancing +Ridotto on the Port at Antwerp; then the +Jungfrau, or serving wench that waited +upon us, who had for name Babette; and +lastly his Mamma, whom, ten minutes afterwards,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span> +he began to load with Abuse, declaring +that she wished to have her Barty shut +up in a madhouse, in order that she might +enjoy his Lands and Revenues. And then +he fell to computing the cost of the supper, +swearing that it would Ruin him, and making +his old complaints about those eternal +wax candles. Then, espying me out, he +asks who I am, challenges me to fight with +him for a Crown, vows that he will delate +me to the English Resident at Brussels for +a Jacobite spy, tells me that I am an Honest +Fellow, and, next to Mr. Hodge, the best +friend he ever had in the world, and falls +down at last stupefied. Whereupon, with +the assistance of the Flemish Drawer, I +carried my new master up to bed.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[120]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FOURTH.</h2> + + +<h3>I MAKE THE GRAND TOUR, AND ACQUIRE SOME KNOWLEDGE +OF THE POLITE WORLD.</h3> + + +<div class='unindent'><span class="smcap">For</span> I had decided that he was to be my +Master. "I can bear with his strange ways," +I said to myself. "John Dangerous has +seen stranger, young as he is; and it will +go hard if this droll creature does not furnish +forth some sport, ay and some Profit too, +before long." For now that I had put my +Gentility in my pocket, I began to remember +that Hay is a very pleasant and toothsome +thing for Fodder, to say nothing of its having +a most pleasant odour, and that the best +time to make hay was while the sun did +shine.</div> + +<p>After I had assisted in conveying the +Little Man to bed, I came down again to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[121]</a></span> +the Saloon, finding there Mr. Hodge, who +was comforting himself with a last bumper +of punch before seeking bed.</p> + +<p>"Well, Youth," he accosts me, "have +you thought better of your surly, huffing +manner of this morning and this afternoon?"</p> + +<p>I told him that I had, and that I desired +nothing better than to enter forthwith into +the service of Bartholomew Pinchin, Esquire, +of Hampstead.</p> + +<p>"That's well," said his Reverence, nodding +at me over his punch. "You've had +your supper behind yon screen, haven't you?"</p> + +<p>I answered, "Yes, and my Burgundy +likewise."</p> + +<p>"That you mustn't expect every day," +he continues, "but only on extraordinary +occasions such as that of to-night. What +the living is like, you have seen. The best +of fish, flesh, and fowl, and plenty of it. As +to your Clothes and your Wages, we will +hold discourse of that in the morning; for +'twill take your Master half the morning to +beat you down a penny a Month, and quarrel +with the Tailor about the cheapest kind of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[122]</a></span> +serge for your Livery. Leave it to me, +however, and I'll engage that you have no +reason to complain either of one or the other. +What did you say your name was, friend? +As for Recommendations, you have none to +Give, and I seek not any from you. I will +be content to take your character from your +Face and Speech."</p> + +<p>I began to stammer and bow and thank +his Honour's Reverence for his good opinion.</p> + +<p>"Don't thank me before you're asked," +answers Mr. Hodge, with a grin. "The +academy of compliments is not held here. +By your speech you have given every sign +of being a very Saucy Fellow, and, to judge +from your face, you have all the elements in +you of a complete Scoundrel."</p> + +<p>I bowed, and was silent.</p> + +<p>"But your name," he pursued, "that has +escaped me."</p> + +<p>I answered Respectfully that I had used +to be called John Dangerous.</p> + +<p>"Tut, tut!" Mr. Hodge cried out hastily. +"Fie upon the name! John is all very +well; but Dangerous will never do. Why,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[123]</a></span> +our Patron would think directly he heard it +that you were bent on cutting his throat, or +running away with his valise."</p> + +<p>I submitted, again with much respect, +that it was the only name I had.</p> + +<p>"Well, thou art a straightforward youth," +said the Chaplain good-humouredly, "and +I will not press thee to take up an alias. +John will serve excellently well for the +present; and, if more be wanted, thou shalt +be John D. But understand that the name +of Dangerous is to remain a secret between +me and thee and the Post."</p> + +<p>"With all my heart," I cried, "so long +as the Post be not a gallows."</p> + +<p>"Well said, John D.," murmured Mr. +Hodge, upon whom by this time the punch +had taken some little effect. "A good Lad, +John. And now thou mayst help me up to +bed."</p> + +<p>And so I did, for his Reverence had begun +to stagger. Then a pallet was found for me +high up in the Roof of the Inn of the Three +Archduchesses. I forbore to grumble, for +I had been used from my first going out<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[124]</a></span> +into the world to Hard Lodging. And that +night I slept very soundly, and dreamt that +I was in the Great Four-post Bed at my +Grandmother's in Hanover Square.</p> + +<p>Never had a Man, I suppose, in this +Mortal World, ever so droll a master as +this Bartholomew Pinchin, of Hampstead, +Esquire. 'Tis Tame, and may be Offensive, +for me to be so continually telling that he +wrote himself down <i>Armiger</i>, after my +Promise to forego for the future such recapitulation +of his Title; but Mr. Pinchin +was himself never tired of dubbing himself +Esquire, and you could scarcely be five +Minutes in his company without hearing of +his Estate, and his Mamma, and his Right +to bear Arms. I, who was by birth a +Gentleman of Long Descent, could not forbear +Smiling from time to time (in my +Sleeve, be it understood, since I was a +Servant at Wages to him) at his ridiculous +Assumptions. And there are few things +more Contemptible, I take it, than for a Man +of really good Belongings, and whose Lineage +is as old as Stonehenge (albeit, for Reasons<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[125]</a></span> +best known to Himself, he permits his +Pedigree to lie Perdu), to hear an Upstart +of Yesterday Bragging and Swelling that he +is come from this or from that, when we, +who are of the true Good Stock, know very +well, but that we are not so ill-mannered as +to say so, that he is sprung from Nothing at +all. I think that if the Heralds were to +make their Journeys now, as of Yore, among +the Country Churchyards, and hack out +from the Headstones the sculptured cognizances +of those having no manner of Right +to them, the Stone-Masons about Hyde +Park Corner would all make Fortunes from +the orders that would be given to them for +fresh Tombs. Not a mealy-mouthed Burgess +now, whose great-grandfather sold stocking +hose to my Lord Duke of Northumberland, +but sets himself up for a Percy; not a supercilious +Cit, whose Uncle married a cast-off +waiting-woman from Arundel Castle, but +vaunts himself on his alliance with the +noble house of Howard; not a starveling +Scrivener, whose ancestor, as the playwright +has it, got his Skull cracked by John of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[126]</a></span> +Gaunt for crowding among the Marshalmen +in the Tilt Yard, but must pertly Wink and +Snigger, and say that the Dukedom of +Lancaster would not be found extinct if the +Right Heir chose to come Forward. Since +that poor young Lord of the Lakes was +attainted for his part in the Troubles of the +'Fifteen, and lost his head on Tower Hill +(his vast Estates going to Greenwich +Hospital), I am given to understand that +every man in Cumberland or Westmoreland +whose name happens to be Ratcliffe (I knew +the late Mr. Charles Ratcliffe, that Suffered +with a Red Feather in his Hat, very well), +must give himself out to be titular Earl of +Derwentwater, and Importune the Government +to reverse the Attainder, and restore +him the Lands of which the Greenwich +Commissioners have gotten such a tight +Hold; and as for Grandchildren of the by-blows +of King Charles II., good lack! to +hear them talk of the "Merry Monarch," +and to see them draw up their Eyebrows +into the Stuart Frown, one would think that +every Player-Woman at the King's or the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[127]</a></span> +Duke's House had been as favoured in her +time as Madam Eleanour Gwyn.</p> + +<p>Thus do I no more believe that Mr. +Bartholomew Pinchin was cousin to Lady +Betty Heeltap, or in any manner connected +with the family of my Lord Poddle (and he +was only one of the Revolution Peers, that got +his coronet for Ratting at the right moment +to King William III.), than that he was the +Great Mogul's Grandmother. His gentlemanly +extraction was with him all a Vain +Pretence and silly outward show. It did +no very great Harm, however. When the +French adventurer Poirier asked King Augustus +the Strong to make him a Count, +what said his Majesty of Warsaw and Luneville? +"That I cannot do," quoth he; +"but there is nothing under the sun to +prevent thee from calling thyself a Count, if +the humour so please thee." And Count +Poirier, by Self-Creation, he straightway +became, and as Count Poirier was knouted +to Death at Moscow for Forging of Rubles +Assignats. Pinchin was palpably a Plebeian; +but it suited him to be called and to call himself<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span> +an Esquire; and who should gainsay +him? At the Three Archduchesses at Ostend, +indeed, they had an exceeding sensible Plan +regarding Titles and Precedence for Strangers, +which was found to answer admirably +well. He who took the Grand Suite, looking +upon the courtyard, was always held to be +an English Lord. The tenant of the floor +above him was duly esteemed by the Drawers +and Chamberlains to be a Count of the Holy +Roman Empire; a quiet gentleman, who +would pay a Louis a day for his charges, but +was content to dine at the Public Table, was +put down as a Baron or a Chevalier; those +who occupied the rooms running round the +galleries were saluted Merchants, or if they +chose it, Captains; but, in the gardens +behind the Inn, there stood a separate +Building, called a Pavilion, most sumptuously +appointed, and the Great Room hung +with the Story of Susannah and the Elders +in Arras Tapestry; and he who would pay +enough for this Pavilion might have been +hailed as an Ambassador Plenipotentiary, as +a Duke and Peer of France, or even as a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[129]</a></span> +Sovereign Prince travelling incognito, had +he been so minded. For what will not +Money do? Take our English Army, for +instance, which is surely the Bravest and +the Worst Managed in the whole World. +My Lord buys a pair of colours for the Valet +that has married his Leman, and forthwith +Mr. Jackanapes struts forth an Ensign. +But for his own Son and Heir my Lord will +purchase a whole troop of Horse: and a +Beardless Boy, that a month agone was +Birched at Eton for flaws in his Grammar, +will Vapour it about on the Mall with a +Queue à la Rosbach, and a Long Sword +trailing behind him as a full-blown Captain +of Dragoons.</p> + +<p>I believe Pinchin's father to have been a +Tailor. There is no harm in the Craft, +honestly exercised; but since the world first +Began nine Tailors have made a Man; and +you cannot well see a knight of the shears +without asking in your own mind where he +has left his Eight brethren. Bartholomew +Pinchin looked like a Tailor, talked like a +Tailor, and thought like a Tailor. Let it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[130]</a></span> +not, however, be surmised that I have any +mind to Malign the Useful Churls who make +our Clothes. Many a time have I been +beholden to the strong Faith and Generous +Belief of a Tailor when I have stood in need +of new Apparel, and have been under momentary +Famine of Funds for the Payment +thereof. Those who are so ready to sneer +at a Snip, and to cast Cabbage in his teeth, +would do well to remember that there are +Seasons in Life when the Goose (or rather +he that wields it) may save, not only the +Capitol, but the Soldier who stands on Guard +within. How doubly Agonising is Death +when you are in doubt as to whence that +Full Suit of Black needed on the Funeral +Night will arrive! What a tremor comes +over you when you remember that this +Day Week you are to be Married, and +that your Wedding Garment is by no means +a certainty! What a dreadful Shipwreck to +your Fortune menaces you when you are +bidden to wait on a Great Man who has +Places to give away, and you find that your +Velvet Coat shows the Cord! 'Tis in these<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[131]</a></span> +Emergencies that the brave Confidence of +the Tailor is distilled over us like the Blessed +Dew from Heaven; for Trust, when it is +really needed, and opportunely comes, is +Real Mercy and a Holy Thing.</p> + +<p>About my master's Wealth there was no +doubt. Lord Poddle, although a questionable +cousin of his, would have been glad +to possess his spurious kinsman's acres. I +should put down the young Esquire's income +as at least Twenty Hundred Pounds a year. +His Father had been, it cannot be questioned, +a Warm Man; but I should like to know, if +he was veritably, as his Son essayed to make +out, a Gentleman, how he came to live in +Honey-Lane Market, hard by Cheapside. +Gentlemen don't live in Honey-Lane Market. +'Tis in Bloomsbury, or Soho, or Lincoln's +Inn, or in the parish of St. George, +Hanover Square, that the real Quality have +their habitations. I shall be told next +that Gentlefolks should have their mansions +by the Bun-House at Pimlico, or in the +Purlieus of Tyburn Turnpike. No; 'twas +at the sign of the Sleeveboard, in Honey-Lane<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[132]</a></span> +Market, that our Patrician Squire made +his money. The estate at Hampstead was a +very fair one, lying on the North side, Highgate +way. Mr. Pinchin's Mamma, a Rare +City Dame, had a Life Interest in the property, +and, under the old Gentleman's will, +had a Right to a Whole Sum of Ten Thousand +Pounds if she married again. Thus it +was that young Bartholomew was always in +an agony of Terror to learn that his mamma +had been seen walking on a Sunday afternoon +in Gray's-Inn Gardens, or taking Powdered +Beef and Ratafia at the tavern in Flask +Walk, or drinking of Syllabubs at Bellasise; +and by every post he expected to hear the +dreadful intelligence that Madam Pinchin +had been picked up as a City Fortune by some +ruffling Student of the Inns of Court, some +Irish Captain, or some smart Draper that, on +the strength of a new Periwig and a lacquered +hilt to his Sword, passes for a Macarony. +'Tis not very romantic to relate, but 'tis no +less a fact, that the Son and the Mother +hated one another. You who have gone +through the World and watched it, know +that these sad unnatural loathings between<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[133]</a></span> +Parents and Children, after the latter are +grown up, are by no means uncommon. To +me it seems almost impossible that Estrangement +and Dislike—nay, absolute Aversion—should +ever engender between the Mother and +the Daughter, that as a Babe hath hung on +her Paps (or should have been so Nurtured, +for too many of our Fashionable Fine Dames +are given to the cruelly Pernicious Practice +of sending their Infants to Nurse almost the +very next Week after they are Born, thus Divorcing +themselves from the Joys of Tender +Affection, and drying up the very Source and +Fontinel of Natural Endearments; from +which I draw the cause of many of the harsh +cold Humours and Uncivil Vapours that do +reign between the Great and their children). +You may cry Haro upon me for a Cynic or +Doggish Philosopher; but I relate my Experiences, +and the Things that have stricken +my Mind and Sense. I do know Ladies of +Quality that hate their Daughters, and would +willingly Whip them, did they dare do so, +Grown Women as they are, for Spite. I do +know Fathers, Men of Parts and Rank, forsooth, +jealous of their Sons, and that have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[134]</a></span> +kept the Youngsters in the Background, and +even striven to Obscure their Minds that +they might not cross the Paternal Orbit. +And has it not almost passed into a proverb, +that my Lord Duke's Natural and most Inveterate +Enemy is my Lord Marquis, who is +his Heir? But not to the World of Gold +and Purple are these Jealousies and Evil +Feelings confined. You shall find them to +the full as Venomous in hovels, where pewter +Platters are on the shelves, and where Fustian +and Homespun are the only wear. +Down in the West of England, where a +worthy Friend of mine has an Estate, I know +a Shepherd tending his flocks from sunrise—ay, +and before the Sun gets up—until sundown. +The honest man has but half-a-dozen +shillings a week, and has begotten Fourteen +Children. He is old now, and feeble, and is +despised by his Progeny. He leads at Home +the sorriest of Lives. They take his wages +from him, and, were it not for a lump of fat +Bacon which my friend's Servants give him +now and again for Charity's sake, he would +have nothing better to eat from Week's End<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[135]</a></span> +to Week's End than the hunch of Bread and +the morsel of Cheese that are doled forth to +him every morning when he goes to his +labour. Only the other day, his sixth +daughter, a comely Piece enough, was Married. +The poor old Shepherd begs a Holiday, +granted to him easily enough, and goes home +at Midday instead of Even, thinking to have +some part in the Wedding Rejoicings, the +which his last week's wages have gone some +way to furnish forth. I promise you that +'tis a fine Family Feast that he comes across. +What but ribs of Beef and Strong Ale—none +of your Harvest Clink—and old Cyder +and Plum-pudding galore! But his Family +will have none of his company, and set the +poor old Shepherd apart, giving him but an +extra lump of Bread and Cheese to regale +himself withal. 'Twas he who told the Story +to my Friend, from whom I heard it. What, +think you, was his simple complaint, his sole +Protest against so much Cruelty and Injustice? +He did not rush into the Feasting +Room and curse these Ingrates; he did not +trample on this Brood that he had nurtured,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[136]</a></span> +and that had turned out worse in their Unthankfulness +than Vipers; no, he just sat +apart, wringing of his Hands, and meekly +wailing, "What, a weddin', and narrer a bit +o' puddin'—narrer a bit, a bit o' puddin'!" +The poor soul had set his head on a slice of +dough with raisins in it, and even this crumb +from their Table was denied him by his Cubs. +'Tis a brave thing, is it not, Neighbour, to be +come to Threescore Years, and to have had +Fruitful Loins, and to be Mocked and Misused +by those thou hast begotten? How +infinitely better do we deem ourselves than +the Cat and Dog, and yet how often do we +imitate those Dumb Beasts in our own degree! +fondling them indeed when they are +Kittens and Puppies, but fighting Tooth and +Nail with them when they be full grown. +But there is as much to be said on the one +side as on the other; and for every poor old +Lear wandering up and down, pursued by +the spite of Goneril and Regan, shall you +find a Cordelia whose heart is broken by her +Sire's Cruelty.</p> + +<p>We did not long abide in Ostend. Presently<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[137]</a></span> +my master grew tired of the Town, as +he did of most Things, and longed for change. +He had no better words for the Innkeepers, +Merchants, and others who attended him, +than to call them a parcel of Extortionate +Thieves, and to vow that they were all in a +conspiracy for robbing and bringing him to +the Poor House. He often did us the +honour to accuse us of being in the Plot; +and many a time I felt inclined to resent his +Impertinence, and to cudgel the abusive little +man soundly; but I was wise, and held my +Tongue and my Hand as well. Following +the Chaplain's advice, and humouring this +little Man-monkey in all his caprices, I found +that he was not so bad a master after all, and +that when he was Drunk, which was almost +always, he could be generous enough. When +he was sober and bewailed his excessive Expenditure, +our policy was to be Mum, or +else to Flatter him; and so no bones were +broken, and I was well clad and fed, and always +had a piece of gold in my pouch, and +so began to Feel my Feet.</p> + +<p>We visited most of the towns in the Low<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[138]</a></span> +Countries, then under the Austrian rule, enjoying +ourselves with but little occasion for +repining. Now our travelling was done on +Horseback, and now, when there was a Canal +Route, by one of those heavy, lumbering, +jovial old boats called Treyckshuyts. I know +not whether I spell the word correctly, for +in the Languages, albeit fluent enough, I +could never be accurate; but of the pleasant +old vessels themselves I shall ever preserve +a lively recollection. You made a bargain +with the Master before starting, giving him +so many guilders for a journey, say between +Ghent and Bruges, the charge amounting +generally to about a Guinea a day for each +Gentleman passenger, and half the sum for +a servant. And the Domestic's place on the +fore-deck and in the fore-cabin was by no +means an unpleasant one; for there he was +sure to meet good store of comely Fraus, and +Jungfraus comelier still, with their clean +white caps, Linsey-woolsey petticoats, wooden +shoes, and little gold crosses about their +necks. Farmers and labouring men and +pedlars, with now and then a fat, smirking<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[139]</a></span> +Priest or two, who tried Hard to Convert +you, if by any means he discovered you to +be a Heretic, made up the complement of +passengers forward; but I, as a servant, was +often called aft, and had the pick of both +companies, with but light duties, and faring +always like a Fighting Cock. For no sooner +was our Passage-Money paid than it became +my Duty to lay in a Great Stock of Provisions +for the voyage, my master disdaining +to put up with the ordinary country Fare of +dried fish, salted beef, pickled cabbage, hard-boiled +eggs, faro-Beer, Schiedam, and so +forth, and instructing me, under Mr. Hodge's +direction, to purchase Game, Venison, Fruit, +Vegetables, Preserves, Cheeses, and other +condiments, with a sufficient number of flasks +of choice wine, and a little keg of strong +cordial, for fear of Accidents. And aboard +the Treyckshuyt it was all Singing and +Dancing and Carding and drinking of Toasts. +The quantity of Tobacco that the country +people took was alarming, and the fumes +thereof at first highly displeasing to Mr. +Pinchin; but I, from my sea education, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[140]</a></span> +the Time I had passed in the Western Indies, +was a seasoned vessel as to tobacco; and +often when my Master had gone to his cabin +for the night was permitted to partake of a +Puff on deck with the Reverend Mr. Hodge, +who dearly loved his Pipe of Virginia. The +Chaplain always called me John D.; and indeed +by this time I seemed to be fast losing +the character as well as the name of Dangerous. +My life was passed in the Plenitude +of Fatness; and I may say almost that I was +at Grass with Nebuchadnezzar, and had one +Life with the beasts of the field; for my +days were given up to earthly indulgences, +and I was no better than a stalled ox. But +the old perils and troubles of my career were +only Dormant, and ere long I was to become +Jack Dangerous again.</p> + +<p>A year passed away in this eating and +drinking, dozy, lazy kind of life. I was past +seventeen years of age, and it was the autumn +of the year '29. We were resting for a time—not +that Master, Chaplain, or Man ever +did much to entitle them to repose—at the +famous watering-place of Spa, close to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[141]</a></span> +German Frontier. We put up at the Silver +Stag, where we were entertained in very +Handsome Style. Spa, or the Spaw, as it +was sometimes called, was then one of the +most Renowned Baths in Europe, and was +attended by the very Grandest company. +Here, when we arrived, was my Lord Duke +of Tantivy, an English nobleman of the very +Highest Figure, accompanied by my Lady +Duchess, the Lord Marquis of Newmarket, +his Grace's Son and Heir, who made Rare +Work at the gaming tables, with which the +place abounded; the Ladies Kitty and Bell +Jockeymore, his daughters; and attended by +a Numerous and sumptuous suite. Here +also did I see the famous French Prince de +Noisy-Gevres, then somewhat out of favour +at the French Court, for writing of a Lampoon +on one of his Eminence the Cardinal +Minister's Lady Favourites; the Great Muscovite +Boyard Stchigakoff, who had been here +ever since the Czar Peter his master had +honoured the Spaw with his presence; and +any number of Foreign Notabilities, of the +most Illustrious Rank, and of either sex.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[142]</a></span> +Money was the great Master of the Ceremonies, +however, and he who had the Longest +Purse was bidden to the Bravest Entertainments. +The English of Quality, indeed (as +is their custom, which makes 'em so Hated +by Foreigners), kept themselves very much +to themselves, and my Lord Duke of Tantivy's +party, with the exception of the Marquis +of Newmarket, who was good enough +to Borrow a score of gold pieces from us, and +to Rook us at cards now and then, took not +the slightest notice of my poor little Master, +who was dying to be introduced into Polite +Society, and spread abroad those fictions of +his cousinage to Lady Betty Heeltap and my +Lord Poddle everywhere he went; but the +French and German Magnificoes were less +Haughty, and were glad to receive an English +Traveller who, when his Vanity was +concerned, would spend his cash without +stint. We drank a great deal of the Water +of the Spaw, and uncommonly nasty it was, +making it a Thing of vital necessity to take +the Taste of it out of our Mouths as soon as +might be with Wine and Strong Waters.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[143]</a></span></p> + +<p>From the Spaw we went by easy Stages +to Cologne, a dirty, foul-smelling place, but +very Handsome in Buildings, and saw all +that was to be seen, that is to say, the +churches, which Abound Greatly. The +Jesuits' Church is the neatest, and this was +shown us in a very complaisant manner, +although 'tis not the custom to allow Protestants +to enter it. Our Cicerone was a +bouncing young Jesuit, with a Face as Rosy +as the sunny side of a Katherine Pear; but +it shocked me to hear how he indulged in +Drolleries and Raileries in the very edifice +itself. He quizzed both the Magnificence +and Tawdriness of the Altars, the Images of +the Saints, the Rich Framing of the Relics, +and all he came across, seeming no more +impressed by their solemnity than the Verger +Fellow in Westminster Abbey when he +shows the Waxwork to a knot of Yokels at +sixpence a head. "Surely," I thought, +"there must be something wrong in a Faith +whose Professors make so light of its ceremonies, +and turn Buffoons in the very +Temples;" nor could I help murmuring inwardly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[144]</a></span> +at that profusion of Pearls, Diamonds, +and Rubies bestowed on the adornment +of a parcel of old Bones, decayed Teeth, +and dirty Rags. A Fine English Lady, all +paint and Furbelows, who was in the church +with us, honestly owned that she coveted +St. Ursula's great Pearl Necklace, and, says +she, "'Tis no sin, and not coveting one's +neighbour's goods, for neither St. Ursula +nor the Jesuits are any Neighbours of mine;" +and as for my Master, he stared at a Great +St. Christopher, mighty fine in Silver, and +said that it would have looked very well as +an Ornament for a Cistern in his garden at +Hampstead.</p> + +<p>From Cologne to Nuremberg was five +days, travelling post from Frankfort; and +here we observed the difference between the +Free Towns of Germany and those under +the government of petty Absolute Princes. +The streets of Nuremberg are well built, and +full of People; the shops are loaded with +Merchandise, and commonly Clean and +Cheerful. In Cologne and Wurtsburg there +was but a sort of shabby finery: a number<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[145]</a></span> +of dirty People of Quality sauntered out: +narrow nasty streets out of repair; and +above half of the common Sort asking Alms. +Mr. Hodge, who would have his jest, compared +a Free Town to a handsome, clean +Dutch Burgher's wife, and a Petty Prince's +capital to a poor Town Lady of Pleasure, +painted and ribboned out in her Head-dress, +with tarnished Silver-lace shoes, and a ragged +Under Petticoat—a miserable mixture of +Vice and Poverty.</p> + +<p>Here at Nuremberg they had Sumptuary +Laws, each man and woman being compelled +to dress according to his Degree, and the +Better sort only being licensed to wear +Rich suits of clothes. And, to my thinking +(though the Putting it in Practice might +prove somewhat inconvenient), we should be +much better off in England if some such +laws were made for the moderation and +restraining of Excess and Extravagance in +Apparel. As folks dress nowadays, it is +impossible to tell Base Raff from the Highest +Quality. What with the cheapness of Manufactured +goods, and the pernicious introduction<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[146]</a></span> +of imitation Gold and Silver-lace, +you shall find Drapers' apprentices, Tavern +drawers, and Cook wenches, making as brave +a Figure on Sundays as their masters and +mistresses; and many a young Spark has +been brought to the Gallows, and many a +poor Lass to Bridewell or the 'Spital, through +an over Fondness for cheap Finery, and a +crazy conceit for dressing like their betters.</p> + +<p>Nuremberg hath its store of Churches +and Relics, and the like; and even the +Lutherans, who are usually thought to be +so strict and severe in the adornment of +their Temples, have in one of 'em a large +Cross fairly set with jewels. But this is +nothing to the Popish High Church, where +they have at least a score of Saints, all +dressed out in laced clothes, and fair +Full-bottomed Wigs, plentifully powdered. +Here did we come across a Prince Bishop of +one of the Electoral German Towns, travelling +with a Mighty Retinue of Canons +and Priests, and Assessors and Secretaries, +and a long train of Mules most richly caparisoned, +with a guard of a hundred Musketeers,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[147]</a></span> +with violet liveries and Mitres +broidered on their cartouch-boxes, to keep +the Prince Bishop from coming to harm. +My Master dined with this Reverend Personage, +although Mr. Hodge, to maintain +the purity of his cloth, kept aloof from any +such Papistical entertainment; but I was of +the party, it being my duty to wait behind +the Squire's chair. We dined at two of the +clock on very rich meats, high spiced, as I +have usually found Princes and Bishops to +like their victuals (for the Plainer sort soon +Pall on their Palates), and after dinner there +was a Carousal, which lasted well nigh till +bed-time. His Episcopal Highness's Master +of the Horse (though the title of Master of +the Mules, on which beasts the company +mostly rode, would have better served him) +got somewhat too Merry on Rhenish about +Dusk, and was carried out to the stable, +where the Palefreneers littered him down +with straw, as though he had been a Horse +or a Mule himself; and then a little fat +Canon, who was the Buffoon or Jack Pudding +of the party, sang songs over his drink<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[148]</a></span> +which were not in the least like unto Hymns +or Canticles, but rather of a most Mundane, +not to say Loose, order of Chant. His +Highness (who wore the Biggest Emerald +ring on his right Forefinger, over his glove, +that ever I saw) took a great fancy to my +Master, and at Parting pledged him in +choice Rhenish in the handsomest fashion, +using for that purpose a Silver Bell holding +at least a Pint and a half English. Out of +this Bell he takes the clapper, and holding +it mouth upwards, drains it to the health of +my Master, then fixes the clapper in again, +Topsy-turvies his goblet, and rings a peal +on the bell to show that he is a right +Skinker. My Master does the same, as in +Duty Bound, and mighty Flustered he got +before the ringing-time came; and then the +little Fat Canon that sang the songs essayed +to do the same, but was in such a Quandary +of Liquor, that he spills a pint over Mr. +Secretary's lace bands, and the two would +have fallen to Fisticuffs but for his Episcopal +Highness (who laughed till his Sides Shook +again) commanding that they should be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[149]</a></span> +separated by the Lacqueys. This was the +most jovial Bishop that I did meet with; +and I have heard that he was a good kind +of man enough to the Poor, and not a harsh +Sovereign to his subjects, especially to the +Female Part who were fortunate enough to +be pretty; but young as I was, and given +to Pleasures, I could not help lifting up my +Hands in shocked Amazement to see this +Roystering kind of life held by a Christian +Prelate. And it is certain that many of +the High Dutch Church Dignitaries were at +this time addicted to a most riotous mode +of living. 'Twas thought no scandal in a +Bishop to Drink, or to Dice, or to gallivant +after Damosels: but woe be to him if he +Dared to Dance, for the Shaking of a Leg +(that had a cassock over it) was held to be +a most Heinous and Unpardonable Sin.</p> + +<p>Next to Ratisbon, where Mr. Pinchin +was Laid up with a Fever brought on by +High Living, and for more than Five Weeks +remained between Life and Death, causing +both to Mr. Hodge and myself the Greatest +Anxiety; for, with all his Faults and absurd<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[150]</a></span> +Humours, there was something about the +Little Man that made us Bear with him. +And to be in his Service, for all his capricious +and passing Meannesses, was to be +in very Good Quarters indeed. He was +dreadfully frightened at the prospect of +Slipping his Cable in a Foreign Land, and +was accustomed, during the Delirium that +accompanied the Fever, to call most piteously +on his Mamma, sometimes fancying himself +at Hampstead, and sometimes battling with +the Waves in the Agonies of the cramp, as +I first came across him at Ostend. When +he grew better, to our Infinite Relief, the +old fit of Economy came upon him, and he +must needs make up his mind to Diet himself +upon Panada and Mint Tea, taking no +other nourishment, until his Doctor tells +him that if he did not fall to with a Roast +chicken and a flask of White Wine, he would +sink and Die from pure Exhaustion. After +this he began to Pick up a bit, and to Relish +his Victuals; but it was woful to see the +countenance he pulled when the Doctor's +Bill was brought him, and he found that he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[151]</a></span> +had something like Eighty Pounds sterling +to pay for a Sickness of Forty Days. Of +course he swore that he had not had a tithe +of the Draughts and Mixtures that were set +down to him,—and he had not indeed consumed +them bodily, for the poor little +Wretch would have assuredly Died had he +swallowed a Twentieth Part of the Vile +Messes that the Pill-blistering Gentleman +sent in; but Draughts and Mixtures had all +duly arrived, and we in our Discretion had +uncorked them, and thrown the major part +of their contents out of window. We were +in league forsooth (so he said) with the +Doctor to Eat and Ruin him, and 'twas not +till the latter had threatened to appeal to +the Burgomaster, and to have us all clapped +up in the Town Gaol for roving adventurers +(for they manage things with a High Hand +at Ratisbon), that the convalescent would +consent to Discharge the Pill-blisterer's demands; +and, granting even that all this +Muckwash had been supplied, the Doctor +must have been after all an Extortioner, and +have made a Smart Profit out of that said<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[152]</a></span> +Fever; for he presses a compliment of a +silver snuff-box on the Chaplain, giving me +also privately a couple of Golden Ducats; +nor have I any doubt that the Innkeeper +had also his commission to receive for recommending +a Doctor to the sick Englishman, +and was duly satisfied by Meinheer +Bolus.</p> + +<p>There was the Innkeeper's bill itself to +be unpouched, and a mighty Pother there +was over each item, Mr. Pinchin seeming to +think that because he had been sick it was +our Duty to have laid abed too, swallowing +nought but Draughts and Slops. Truth +was, that we should not have been Equal to +the task of Nursing and Tending so difficult +a Patient had we not taken Fortifying and +Substantial Nourishment and a sufficiency +of Wholesome Liquor; not making merry +it is true, with indecent revelry, but Bearing +up with a Grave and Reverent countenance, +and taking our Four Meals a day, with Refreshing +Soups between whiles. And I have +always found that the vicinage of a Sick +Room is apt to make one exceeding<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[153]</a></span> +Hungry and Thirsty, and that a Moribund, +albeit he can take neither Bite nor Sup himself, +is, in his surroundings, the cook's best +Friend, and the Vintner's most bountiful +Patron.</p> + +<p>Coming to his health again, Mr. Pinchin +falls nevertheless into a state of Dark Melancholy +and Despondency, talking now of returning +to England and ending his days +there, and now entertaining an even Stranger +Fancy that had come over his capricious +mind. We had nursed him during his sickness +according to the best of our Capacity, +but felt nevertheless the want of some +Woman's hand to help us. Now all the +Maids in the House were mortally afraid of +the Fever, and would not so much as enter +the Sick Man's apartment, much less make +his bed; while, if we had not taken it at +our own Risk to promise the Innkeeper +Double Fees for lodging, the cowardly knave +would have turned us out, Neck and Crop, +and we should have been forced to convey +our poor Sufferer to a common Hospital. +But there was in this City of Ratisbon a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[154]</a></span> +convent of Pious Ladies who devoted themselves +wholly (and without Fee or Reward +for the most part) to works of Mercy and +Charity; and Mr. Hodge happening to +mention my Master's State to the English +Banker—one Mr. Sturt, who was a +Romanist, but a very civil kind of man—he +sends to the convent, and there comes down +forthwith to our Inn a dear Good Nun that +turned out to be the most zealous and +patient Nurse that I have ever met with in +my Travels. She sat up night and day with +the Patient, and could scarcely be persuaded +to take ever so little needful Rest and Refreshment. +When she was not ministering +to the sufferer's wants, she was Praying, +although it did scandalise Mr. Hodge a +little to see her tell her Beads; and when +Mr. Pinchin was well enough to eat his +first slice of chicken, and sip his first beaker +of white wine, she Clapped her Hands for +joy, and sang a little Latin Hymn. When +it came to her dismissal, this Excellent Nun +(the whole of whose Behaviour was most +touchingly Edifying) at first stoutly refused<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[155]</a></span> +to accept of any Recompense for her services +(which, truly, no Gold, Silver, or Jewels +could have fitly rewarded); and I am +ashamed to say that my Master, who had +then his Parsimonious Nightcap on, was at +first inclined to take the Good Sister at her +Word. Mr. Hodge, however, showed him +the Gross Ingratitude and Indecorum of +such a proceeding, and, as was usual with +him, he gave way, bellowing, however, like +a Calf when the Chaplain told him that he +could not in Decency do less than present a +sum of Fifty Ducats (making about Forty +Pounds of our Money) to the convent; for +personal or private Guerdon the Nun positively +refused to take. So the Money was +given, to the great delectation of the Sisterhood, +who, I believe, made up their minds +to Sing Masses for the bountiful English +Lord as they called him, whether he desired +it or not.</p> + +<p>Sorry am I to have to relate that so +Pleasant and Moving an Incident should +have had anything like a Dark side. But +'tis always thus in the World, and there is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[156]</a></span> +no Rose without a Thorn. My master, +thanks to his Chaplain, and, it may be, likewise +to my own Humble and Respectful +Representations while I was a-dressing of +him in the Morning, had come out of this +convent and sick-nurse affair with Infinite +credit to himself and to the English nation +in general. Everywhere in Ratisbon was +his Liberality applauded; but, alas! the +publicity that was given to his Donation +speedily brought upon us a Plague and +Swarm of Ravenous Locusts and Bloodsuckers. +There were as many convents in +Ratisbon as plums in a Christmas porridge; +there were Nuns of all kinds of orders, many +of whom, I am afraid, no better than they +should be; there were Black Monks and +Gray Monks and Brown Monks and White +Monks, Monks of all the colours of the +Rainbow, for aught I can tell. There were +Canons and Chapters and Priories and +Brotherhoods and Sisterhoods and Ecclesiastical +Hospitals and Priors' Almonries and +Saints' Guilds without end. Never did I +see a larger fry of holy men and women,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[157]</a></span> +professing to live only for the next world, +but making the very best of this one while +they were in it. A greasy, lazy, worthless +Rabble-Rout they were, making their Religion +a mere Pretext for Mendicancy and +the worst of crimes. For the most part they +were as Ignorant as Irish Hedge Schoolmasters; +but there were those among them +of the Jesuit, Capuchin, and Benedictine +orders; men very subtle and dangerous, +well acquainted with the Languages, and +able to twist you round their Little Fingers +with False Rhetoric and Lying Persuasions. +These Snakes in the grass got about my +poor weak-minded Master, although we, as +True Protestants and Faithful Servants, did +our utmost to keep them out; but if you +closed the Door against 'em, they would +come in at the Keyhole, and if you made +the Window fast, they would slip down the +Chimney; and, with their Pernicious Doctrines, +Begging Petitions, and Fraudulent +Representations, did so Badger, Bait, Beleaguer, +and Bully him, that the poor Man +knew not which Way to Turn. They too<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[158]</a></span> +did much differ in their Theology, and each +order of Friars seemed to hold the strong +opinion that all who wore cowls cut in +another shape than theirs, or shaved their +pates differently, must Infallibly Burn; but +they were of one Mind in tugging at Mr. +Pinchin's Purse-strings, and their cry was +ever that of the Horse-Leech's Three +Daughters—"Give, give!"</p> + +<p>Thus they did extract from him Forty +Crowns in gold for Redeeming out of Slavery +among the Sallee Rovers ten Citizens of +Ratisbon fallen into that doleful captivity; +although I do on my conscience believe that +there were not five native-born men in the +whole city who had ever seen the Salt Sea, +much less a Sallee Rover. Next was a +donation for a petticoat for this Saint, and a +wig for that one; a score of Ducats for a +School, another for an Hospital for Lepers; +until it was Ducats here and Ducats there +all day long. Nor was this the worst; for +my Master began to be Troubled in the +Spirit, and to cry out against the Vanities +of the World, and to sigh after the Blessedness<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[159]</a></span> +of a Life passed in Seclusion and Contemplation.</p> + +<p>"I'll turn Monk, I will," he cried out +one day; "my Lord Duke of Wharton did +it, and why should not I?"</p> + +<p>"Monk, and a Murrain to them and Mercy +to us all!" says Mr. Hodge, quite aghast. +"What new Bee will you put under your +Bonnet next, sir?"</p> + +<p>"You're a Heretic," answered Mr. Pinchin. +"An Anglican Heretic, and so is my +knave John here. There's nothing like the +old Faith. There's nothing like Relics. +Didn't I see a prodigious claw set in gold +only yesterday in the Barnabite Church, +and wasn't that the true and undoubted relic +of a Griffin?"</p> + +<p>"Was the Griffin a Saint?" asks the +Chaplain humbly.</p> + +<p>"What's that to you?" retorts my Master. +"You're a Heretic, you're a Scoffer, an +Infidel! I tell you that I mean to become +a Monk."</p> + +<p>"What, and wear peas in your shoes! +nay, go without shoes at all, and leave off<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[160]</a></span> +cutting your toe-nails?" quoth the Chaplain, +much irate. "Forsake washing and the +Thirty-nine Articles! Shave your head and +forswear the Act of Settlement! Wear a +rope girdle and a rosary instead of a handsome +sword with a silver hilt at your side! +Go about begging and bawling of paternosters! +Was it for this that I, a Clergyman +of the Church of England, came abroad with +you to keep you in the True Faith and a +Proper respect for the Protestant Succession?" +Mr. Hodge had quite forgotten the +value of his Patron's favour, and was growing +really angry. In those days men would +really make sacrifices for conscience' sake.</p> + +<p>"Hang the Protestant Succession, and +you too!" screams Mr. Pinchin.</p> + +<p>"Jacobite, Papist, Warming Pan!" roars +the Chaplain, "I will delate you to the +English Envoy here, and you shall be laid +by the heels as soon as ever you set foot in +England. You shall swing for this, sir!"</p> + +<p>"Leave the Room!" yells Mr. Pinchin, +starting up, but trembling in every limb, for +he was hardly yet convalescent of his Fever.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[161]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I won't," answers the sturdy Chaplain. +"You wretched rebellious little Ape, I arrest +you in the King's name and Convocation's. +I'll teach you to malign the Act of Settlement, +I will!"</p> + +<p>Whenever Mr. Hodge assumed a certain +threatening tone, and began to pluck at his +cassock in a certain manner, Mr. Pinchin +was sure to grow frightened. He was +beginning to look scared, when I, who +remembering my place as a servant had +hitherto said nothing, ventured to interpose.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Mr. Pinchin!" I pleaded, "think of +your Mamma in England. Why, it will +break the good lady's heart if you go Romewards, +Sir. Think of your Estate. Think +of your tenants and the Commission of the +Peace, and the duties of a Liveryman of the +City of London."</p> + +<p>I knew that I had touched my Master in +a tender part, and anon he began to whimper, +and cry about his Mamma, who, he shrewdly +enough remarked, might cause his Estate to +be sequestrated under the Act against Alienation +of Lands by Popish Recusants, and so<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[162]</a></span> +rob the Monks of their prey. And then, +being soothingly addressed by Mr. Hodge, +he admitted that the Friars were for the +greater part Beggars and Thieves; and before +supper-time we obtained an easy permission +from him to drive those Pestilent Gentry +from the doors, and deny him on every occasion +when they should be impudent enough +to seek admission to his presence.</p> + +<p>We were no such high Favourites in Ratisbon +after this; and I believe that the +Jesuits denounced us to the Inquisition at +Rome,—in case we should ever go that way,—that +the Capuchins cursed us, and the +Benedictines preached against us. The Town +Authorities began also to look upon us with +a cold eye of suspicion; and but for the +sojourn of an English Envoy in Ratisbon +(we had diplomatic agents then all over the +Continent, and very little they did for their +Money save Dance and Intrigue) the Burgomaster +and his Councillors might have gotten +up against us what the French do call <i>une +querelle d'Allemand</i>, which may be a Quarrel +about Any thing, and is a Fashion of Disagreeing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[163]</a></span> +peculiar to the Germans, who may +take offence at the cock of your Hat or the +cut of your Coat, and make either of them a +State affair. Indeed, I believe that some +Imprudent Expressions, made use of by my +Master on seeing the Horrible Engines of +Torture shown to the curious in the vaults +of the castle, were very nearly being construed +into High Treason by the unfriendly +clerical party, and that an Information by +the Stadt-Assessor was being actually drawn +up against him, when, by much Persuasion +coupled with some degree of gentle Violence, +we got him away from Ratisbon altogether.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[164]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTH.</h2> + + +<h3>OF THE MANNER IN WHICH I CAME TO THE FAMOUS +CITY OF PARIS.</h3> + + +<div class='unindent'><span class="smcap">From</span> Ratisbon we travelled down the River +Danube, in a very pleasant and agreeable +manner, in a kind of Wooden House +mounted on a flat-bottomed Barge, and not +unlike a Noah's Ark. 'Twas most convenient, +and even handsomely laid out, with +Parlours, and with Drawing-Rooms, and +Kitchens and Stoves, and a broad planked +Promenade over all railed in, and with +Flowering Plants in pots by the sides, quite +like a garden. They are rowed by twelve +men each, and move with an almost Incredible +Celerity, so that in the same day one +can Delight one's Eye with a vast Variety +of Prospects; and within a short space of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[165]</a></span> +time the Traveller has the diversion of seeing +a populous City adorned with magnificent +Palaces, and the most Romantic Solitudes, +which appear quite Apart from the commerce +of Mankind, the banks of the Danube being +exquisitely disposed into Forests, Mountains, +Vineyards rising in Terraces one above the +other, Fields of Corn and Rye, great Towns, +and Ruins of Ancient Castles. Now for the +first time did I see the Cities of Passau and +of Lintz, famous for the retreat of the Imperial +Court when Vienna was besieged by +the Great Turk, the same that John Sobieski, +King of Poland, timeously Defeated and put +to Rout, to the great shame of the Osmanlis, +and the Everlasting Glory of the Christian +arms.</div> + +<p>And now for Vienna. This is the capital +of the German Emperor Kaiser, or Cæsar as +he calls himself, and a mighty mob of under-Cæsars +or Archdukes he has about him. In +my young days the Holy Roman Empire +was a Flourishing concern, and made a great +noise in the world; but now people do begin +to speak somewhat scornfully of it, and to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[166]</a></span> +hold it in no very great Account, principally, +I am told, owing to the levelling Principles +of the Emperor Joseph the Second, who, instead +of keeping up the proper State of Despotic +Rule, and filling his Subjects' minds +with a due impression of the Dreadful Awe +of Imperial Majesty, has taken to occupying +himself with the affairs of Mean and common +persons,—such as Paupers, Debtors, Criminals, +Orphans, Mechanics, and the like,—quite +turning his back on the Exalted Tradition +of undisputed power, and saying sneeringly, +that he only bore Crown and Sceptre +because Royalty was his Trade. This they +call a Reforming Sovereign; but I cannot +see what good comes out of such wild Humours +and Fancies. It is as though my Lord +Duke were to ask his Running Footmen to +sit down at table with him; beg the Coachman +not to trouble himself about stable-work, +but go wash the carriage-wheels and +currycomb the Horses himself; bid my Lady +Duchess and his Daughters dress themselves +in Dimity Gowns and Mob caps, while Sukey +Mobs and Dorothy Draggletail went off to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[167]</a></span> +the drawing-room in Satin sacks and High-heeled +shoes; and, to cap his Absurdities, +called up all his Tenants to tell them that +henceforth they were to pay no Rent or +Manor Dues at the Court Leet, but to have +their Farms in freehold for ever. No; it is +certain the World cannot go on without Authority, +and that, too, of the Smartest. What +would you think of a ship where the Master +Mariner had no power over his crew, and no +license to put 'em in the Bilboes, or have 'em +up at the gangway to be Drubbed soundly +when they deserved it? And these Reforming +Sovereigns, as they call 'em, are only +making, to my mind, Rods for their own +Backs, and Halters for their own Necks. +Where would the Crown and Majesty be now, +I wonder, if His Blessed Majesty had given +way to the Impudent Demands of Mr. Washington +and the American Rebels?<a name="FNanchor_E_5" id="FNanchor_E_5"></a><a href="#Footnote_E_5" class="fnanchor">[E]</a></p> + + +<p>The Streets of Vienna, when I first visited<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[168]</a></span> +that capital, were very close and narrow—so +narrow, indeed, that the fine fronts of the +Palaces (which are very Grand) can scarcely +be seen. Many of 'em deserve close observation, +being truly Superb, all built of +Fine White Stone, and excessive high, the +town being much too little for the number +of its inhabitants. But the Builders seem +to have repaired that Misfortune by clapping +one town on the top of another, most of the +Houses being of Five and some of Six +Stories. The Streets being so narrow, the +rooms are all exceeding Dark, and never so +humble a mansion but has half a dozen +families living in it. In the Handsomest +even all Ranks and Conditions are Mingled +together pellmell. You shall find Field-Marshals, +Lieutenants, Aulic Councillors, +and Great Court Ladies divided but by a +thin partition from the cabins of Tailors and +Shoemakers; and few even of the Quality +could afford a House to themselves, or had +more than Two Floors in a House—one for +their own use, and another for their Domestics. +It was the Dead Season of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[169]</a></span> +year when we came to this City, and so, at +not so very enormous a rate, we got a suite +of six or eight large rooms all inlaid, the +Doors and Windows richly carved and gilt, +and the Furniture such as is rarely seen but +in the Palaces of Sovereign Princes in other +countries; the Hangings in finest tapestry +of Brussels, prodigious large looking-glasses +in silver frames (in making which they are +exceeding Expert); fine Japan Tables, Beds, +Chairs, Canopies, and Curtains of the richest +Genoa Damask or Velvet, almost covered +with gold lace or embroidery. The whole +made Gay by Pictures, or Great Jars of +Porcelain; in almost every room large lustres +of pure Crystal; and every thing as dirty +as a Secondhand Clothes dealer's booth in +Rag Fair.</p> + +<p>We were not much invited out at Vienna, +the very Highest Quality only being admitted +to their company by the Austrians, who are +the very Haughtiest and most exclusive +among the High Dutch, and look upon a +mere untitled Englishman as Nobody (although +he may be of Ten Times better blood<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[170]</a></span> +than their most noble Raggednesses). A +mean sort, for all their finely furnished +palaces, and wearing mighty foul Body +Linen. The first question they ask, when +they Hear that a Stranger desires to be +Presented to them, is, "Is he Born?" The +query having nothing to do with the fact of +his nativity, but meaning (so I have been +told), "Has he five-and-thirty Quarterings +in his Coat-of-Arms?" And if he has but +four-and-thirty (though some of their greatest +nobles have not above Four or Five Hundred +Pounds a year to live on), the Stranger is +held to be no more Born than if he were an +embryo; and the Quality of Vienna takes +no more notice of him than of the Babe +which is unborn.</p> + +<p>Truly, it was the Dead Season, and we +could not have gone to many Dinners and +Assemblies, even if the Aristocracy had been +minded to show hospitality towards us. +There were Theatres and Operas, however, +open, which much delighted my Master and +myself (who was privileged to attend him), +although the Reverend Mr. Hodge stayed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[171]</a></span> +away for conscience' sake from such Profane +amusements, comforting himself at home +over a merry Book and a Bottle of Erlauer, +which is an Hungarian wine, very dark and +Rough, but as strong as a Bullock, and an +excellent Stomachic. Nothing more magnificent +than the Operas then performed at +the Gardens of the Favorite, throwing the +Paris and London houses utterly into the +shade, and I have heard that the Habits, +Decorations, and Scene Paintings, cost the +Emperor Thirty Thousand Pound Sterling. +And to think of the millions of poor ragged +wretches that must have been taxed, and +starved, and beaten, and robbed, and skinned +alive, so to speak, before His Majesty's +pleasures would be paid for.<a name="FNanchor_F_6" id="FNanchor_F_6"></a><a href="#Footnote_F_6" class="fnanchor">[F]</a> The Stage in +this Favorite Garden was built over a large +canal, and at the beginning of the Second +Act divided (as in our own Theatre hard by +Sadler's Wells) into Two Parts, discovering +the water, on which there immediately came<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[172]</a></span> +from different parts two little Fleets of gilded +vessels, that gave the impression (though +ludicrously incorrect in their Riggings and +Manœuvres) of a Sea-fight. The story of +the Opera was, if I remember right, the +Enchantments of Alcina, an entertainment +which gave opportunity for a great Variety +of Machines and changes of the Scene, which +were performed with surprising swiftness. +No House could hold such large Decorations. +But the Ladies all sitting in the open air, +exposed them to much inconvenience; for +there was but one Canopy for the Imperial +Family; and the first night we were there, +a shower of Rain coming on, the Opera was +broken off, and the Company crowded away +in such confusion that we were almost +squeezed to Death.</p> + + +<p>If their Operas were thus productive of +such Delectable Entertainment (abating the +Rain and crowding), I cannot say much for +their Comedies and Drolls, which were highly +Ridiculous. We went to the German Playhouse, +and saw the Story of Amphytrion +very scurvily represented. Jupiter falls in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[173]</a></span> +love out of a peep-hole in the clouds in the +beginning, and the end of it was the Birth +of Hercules. It was very pitiful to see Jove, +under the figure of Amphytrion, cheating a +Tailor of a laced coat, and a Banker of a +bag of Money, and a Jew of a Diamond +Ring, with the like rascally Subterfuges; +and Mercury's usage of Sosia was little more +dignified. And the play was interlarded +with very gross expressions and unseemly +gestures, such as in England would not be +tolerated by the Master of the Revels, or +even in France by the Gentleman of the +Chamber having charge over the Theatres, +but at which the Viennese Quality, both +Male and Female, did laugh Heartily and +with much Gusto.</p> + +<p>Memorandum. As some of the Manners +then existing have passed away (in this sad +changeful age, when every thing seems +melting away like Cowheel Jelly at a Wedding +Feast), I have set down for those +curious in such matters that the Vienna +Dames were squeezed up in my time in +gowns and gorgets, and had built fabrics of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[174]</a></span> +gauze on their Heads about a yard high, +consisting of Three or Four Stories, fortified +with numberless yards of heavy Ribbon. +The foundation of this alarming structure +was a thing they called a <i>Bourle</i>, which was +exactly of the same shape and kind—only +four times Bigger—as those Rolls which our +Milkmaids make use of to fix their Pails +upon. This machine they covered with their +own hair, with which they mixed a great +deal of False; it being a particular and +Especial Grace with them to have their +Heads too large to go into a moderate-sized +Tub. Their Hair was prodigiously powdered +to conceal the mixture, and so set out with +numerous rows of Bodkins, sticking out +three or four Inches on each side, made of +Diamonds, Pearls, Green, Red, and Yellow +Stones, that it certainly required as much +Art and Experience to carry the load upright +as to dance on May-day with the Garland +that the Dairy Wenches borrow (under good +security) from the Silversmiths in Cranbourne +Alley. Also they had Whalebone +Petticoats, outdoing ours by several yards in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[175]</a></span> +circumference. Vastly Ridiculous were these +Fashions—think you not so, good Sir or +Madam, as the case may be? and yet, may I +be shot, but much later in the present century +I have seen such things as hoops, +<i>bourles</i>, tours, and toupees, not one whit +less Ridiculous.</p> + +<p>The Empress, a sweet pretty lady, was +perforce obliged to wear this Habit; but +with the other Female Grandees it only +served to increase their natural Ugliness. +Memorandum: that at Court (whither we +went not, being "unborn," but heard a great +deal of it from hearsay) a Game called Quinze +was the Carding most in vogue. Their +drawing-rooms are different from those in +England, no Man Creature entering it but +the old Grand-Master, who comes to announce +to the Empress the arrival of His +Imperial Majesty the Cæsar. Much gravity +and Ceremony at these Receptions, and all +very Formal, but decent. The Empress sits +in a great easy-chair! but the Archduchesses +are ranged on chairs with tall, straight +Backs, but without arms; whilst the other<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[176]</a></span> +Ladies of the Court (poor things) may stand +on one Leg, or lean against sideboards, to +rest themselves as they choose; but Sit +Down they Dare not. This is the same +Discipline, I believe, that still prevails, and +so I speak of it in the present tense. The +Table is entirely set out, and served by the +Empress's Maids of Honour (who put on +the very dishes and sauces), Twelve young +Ladies of the First Quality, having no Salary, +but their chamber at court (like our Maids +at the Montpelier by Twitnam), where they +live in a kind of Honourable Captivity, not +being suffered to go to the Assemblies of +Public Places in Town, except in compliment +to the wedding of a Sister Maid, whom +the Empress always presents with her picture +set in Diamonds. And yet, for all +their Strict confinement, I have heard fine +Accounts of the goings-on of these noble +Ladies. The first three of them are called +"Ladies of the Key," and wear little golden +keys at their sides. The Dressers are not +at all the figures they pretend to in England,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[177]</a></span> +being looked upon no otherwise than +as downright Chambermaids.</p> + +<p>So much of the State and Grandeur of +Vienna, then the most considerable city in +Germany; though now Berlin, thanks to the +Genius of its Puissant Monarch, has Reared +its head very high. It was, however, my +cruel Fate to see something more of the +Capital of the Holy Roman Empire, and that +too in a form that was of the unpleasantest. +You must know that my Master and the +Chaplain and I (when we had been some +Weeks in town, and through the interest of +the English Bankers had gotten admission +into some Society not quite so exclusive as +the People who wanted to know whether +you were "born") went one afternoon to an +Archery Festival that was held in the garden +of the Archchancellor's Villa, at Schönbrunn +(now Imperial property). 'Twas necessary +to have some kind of Introduction; but +that, if you stood well in the Banker's Books, +was not very Difficult; and, invited or not, +you had to pay a golden Ducat to the Usher<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[178]</a></span> +of Ceremonies (a preposterous creature, like +the Jack of Diamonds in his dress), that +brought your ticket to your lodgings. So +away we went to Schönbrunn, and at a Respectful +distance were privileged to behold +two of the young Archduchesses all dressed, +their Hair full of jewels, and with bows and +arrows in their hands; while a little way off +were placed three oval pictures, which were +the marks to be shot at. The first was a +Cupid, filling a bottle of Burgundy, with +the motto "<i>Cowards may be brave here.</i>" +The second Fortune, holding a garland, with +the motto "<i>Venture and Win.</i>" The third +a Sword with a Laurel Wreath at the point, +and for legend, "<i>I can be vanquished without +shame.</i>" At t'other end was a Fine Gilded +Trophy all wreathed with flowers, and made +of little crooks, on which were hung rich +Moorish Kerchiefs (which were much affected +by the Viennese, a people very fond of gay +and lively colours), tippets, ribbons, laces, +&c., for the small prizes. The Empress, who +sat under a splendid canopy fenced about by +musketeers of the Life Guard, gave away the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[179]</a></span> +first prize with her own hand, which was a +brave Ruby Ring set with Diamonds in +a gold snuff-box. For the Second prize +there was a little Cupid, very nicely done +out of amethysts, and besides these a set of +fine Porcelain, of the kind they call Eggshell +(for its exceeding Tenderness and Brittleness), +with some Japan trunks, feather-fans, +and Whimwams of that order. All +the men of quality in Vienna were spectators; +but only the ladies had permission to +shoot. There was a good background of +burghers and strangers, and in the rear of all +a Mob that drank beer and scrambled for +Kreutzers, which the officers of the Guard who +were keeping the Barriers would now and +then throw among them for their Diversion's +sake. And all behind it was like a +Fair, set out with Booths, where there was +shooting and drinking and Gaming, just at +one's ease; for I have ever found that in +the most Despotic countries the Mobile have +a kind of Rude License accorded them; +whereas in States where there is Freedom +Authority gives a man leave to Think, but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[180]</a></span> +very carefully ties his hands and feet whenever +he has a mind to a Frisk. My Master +was in very good spirits that day (having +quite recovered his health), and for a time +wanders about the Tents, now treating the +common people, and now having a bumper +with Mr. Hodge. We had tickets for the +second ring, but not for the Inner one, where +the Quality were standing; but just before +the shooting of the great Match for the +Empress's ruby ring, Mr. Pinchin, into +whose head some of the bubbles from the +white Hungarian had begun to mount, begins +to brag about his gentle extraction, and +his cousinage to Lady Betty Heeltap and +my Lord Poddle. He vows that he is as +well "born" as any of the rascaille German +Sausage-gorgers (as he calls them), and is as +fit to stand about Royalty as any of them. +The Chaplain, who was always a discreet +man, tried hard to persuade him against +thrusting himself forward where his company +was not desired; but Mr. Pinchin was +in that state in which arguing with a man +makes him more obstinate. Away he goes,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[181]</a></span> +the Chaplain prudently withdrawing into a +Booth; but I, as in Duty bound, followed +my Master, to see that he got into no mischief. +But, alas, the Mischief that unhappy +little Man speedily contrived to entangle +himself within!</p> + +<p>By dint of a Florin here and a Florin +there, the adventurous Squire succeeded in +slipping through the row of Guards who +separated the outer from the inner Ring, +who, from the richness of his Apparel (for he +was dressed in his very Best), may perhaps +have mistaken him for some Court Nobleman +who had arrived late. He had got +within the charmed circle indeed (I being a +few paces behind him), and was standing on +Tiptoe to take a full stare at one of the young +Archduchesses who was bending her bow to +shoot at Cupid, when up comes an old Lord +with a very long white face like a Sheep, with +a Crimson Ribbon across his breast, and a +long white staff in his hand atop of which +was a Golden Key. He first asks my Master +in German what he wants there, at least so +far as I could understand; to which the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[182]</a></span> +Squire, not being versed in the Tongues of +Almaine (and, indeed, High Dutch and Low +Dutch are both very Base Parlance, and I +never could master 'em), answers, "<i>Non comprenny</i>," +which was his general reply when +he was puzzled in the Foreign Lingos. Then +the old Lord, with a very sharp voice and in +French, tells him that he has no Business +there, and bids him begone. Mr. Pinchin +could understand French, though he spoke +it but indifferently; but he, being fairly +Primed, and in one of his Obstinate Moods, +musters up his best parleyvoo, and tells the +Ancient with the Golden Key (and I saw +that he had another one hung round his neck +by a parcel chain, and conjectured him to +be a High Chamberlain at least) to go to the +Devil. (I ask pardon for this word.) Hereupon +my Lord with the Sheep's countenance +collars him, runs his white stick into his +visage, so that the key nearly puts his eye +out, and roars for the Guard. Then Mr. +Pinchin, according to his custom when he +has gotten himself into a pother, begins to +squeal for Me, and the Chaplain, and his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[183]</a></span> +Mamma, to help him out of it. My blood +was up in a moment; I had not had a Tussle +with any one for a long time. "Shall I who +have brained an English Grenadier sneak off +before a rabble-rout of Sauerkraut Soldiers?" +I asked myself, remembering how much +Stronger and Older I had grown since that +night. "Here goes, Jack Dangerous!" and +away I went into the throng, wrenched the +white staff from the old Lord's hand, made +him unhand my Master, and drawing his +Sword for him (he being too terrified to +draw it himself), grasped him firmly by the +arm, and was preparing to cut a way back +for both of us through the crowd. But +'twas a mad attempt. Up came the Guard, +every man of them Six Foot high, and for +all they were Sauerkraut Soldiers, pestilent +Veterans who knew what Fighting meant. +When I saw their fixed Bayonets, and their +Mustachios curling with rage, I remembered +a certain Scar I had left on me after a memorable +night in Charlwood Chase. We were +far from our own country, and there was no +Demijohn of Brandy by; so, though it went<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[184]</a></span> +sore against my Stomach, there was no help +for it but to surrender ourselves at once +Prisoners of War. Prisoners of War, forsooth! +They treated us worse than Galley +Slaves. Our hands were bound behind us +with cords, Halters were put about our necks, +and, the Grenadiers prodding us behind with +their bayonets,—the Dastards, so to prick +Unarmed Men!—we were conducted in +ignominy through the rascal Crowd, which +made a Grinning, Jeering, Hooting lane for +us to pass to the Guardhouse at the Entrance +of the Gardens. The Officer of the +Guard was at first for having both of us +strapped down to a Bench as a preliminary +measure to receive two hundred Blows +apiece with Willow Rods in the small of +our backs, which is their usual way of commencing +Judicial proceedings, when up comes +the old Lord in a Monstrous Puff and Flurry, +and says that by the Empress's command no +present Harm is to be done us; but that we +are to be removed to the Town Gaol till the +Cæsar's pleasure respecting us shall be known. +Her Majesty, however, forgot to enjoin that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[185]</a></span> +we were not to be fettered; so the Captain +of the Guard he claps on us the heaviest +Irons that ever Mutineers howled in; and +we, being flung into a kind of Brewer's +Dray, and accompanied by a Strong Guard +of Horse and Foot, were conveyed to +Vienna, and locked up in the Town Gaol.</p> + +<p>Luckily Mr. Hodge speedily got wind of +our misfortune, and hied him to the British +Ambassador, who, being fond of a Pleasant +Story, laughed heartily at the recital. He +promised to get my Master off on payment +of a Fine or something of that sort; and as +for me, he was good enough to opine that I +might think myself Lucky if I escaped with +a sound dose of the Bastinado once a week +for three months, and a couple of years or so +in Irons. The Chaplain pleaded for me as +well as for my Master as hard as he could; +and his Excellency frowned and said, that +the Diversions of a Gentleman might run a +little wild sometimes and no harm done, but +that the Insolence of Servants (which was a +growing evil) must be restrained. "At all +events, I'll see what I can do," he condescended<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[186]</a></span> +to explain. "Come what may, the +Fellow can't fare very badly for a sound +Beating, and perhaps they will let him off +when he has had cudgelling enough." So +he calls for his Coach, and goes off to +Court.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[187]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTH.</h2> + +<h3>OF PARIS (BY THE WAY OF THE PRISON AT VIENNA), +AND OF MY COMING BACK FOR A SEASON TO MY +OWN COUNTRY, WHERE MY MASTER, THE CHAPLAIN, +AND I PART COMPANY.</h3> + + +<div class='unindent'><span class="smcap">The</span> Fox in the Fable, so my Grannum +(who had a ready Memory for those Tales) +used to tell me, when he first saw the Lion +was half dead with Fright. The Second +View only a little Dashed him with Tremour; +at the Third he durst salute him +Boldly; and at the Fourth Rencounter +Monsieur Reynard steals a Shin Bone of +Beef from under the old Roarer's Nose, and +laughs at his Beard. This Fable came back +to me, as with a Shrug and a Grin (somewhat +of the ruefullest) I found myself again +(and for no Base Action I aver) in a Prison +Hold. I remembered what a dreadful Sickness<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[188]</a></span> +and Soul-sinking I had felt when doors +of Oak clamped with Iron had first clanged +upon me; when I first saw the Blessed Sun +made into a Quince Tart by the cross-bars +over his Golden face; when I first heard +that clashing of Gyves together which is +the Death Rattle of a man's Liberty. But +now! Gaols and I were old Acquaintances. +Had I not lain long in the dismal Dungeon +at Aylesbury? Had I not sweltered in the +Hold of a Transport Ship? I was but a +Youth; but I felt myself by this time a +Parcel Philosopher. The first thing a man +should do when he gets into Gaol, is to ask +himself whether there is any chance of his +being Hanged. If he have no Sand Blindness, +or Gossamer dancing of Threepenny +cord before his eyes, why then he had e'en +better eat and drink, and Thank God, and +hope for the Best. "They won't Hang +me," I said cheerfully enough to myself, +when I was well laid up in Limbo. The +Empress is well known to be a merciful +Lady, and will cast the ermine of Mercy +over the Scarlet Robe of Stern Authority.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[189]</a></span> +Perhaps I shall get my Ribs basted. What +of that? Flesh is flesh, and will Heal. +They cannot beat me so sorely as I have +seen done (but never of myself Ordered but +when I was compelled) to Negro Slaves. +If they fine me, my Master must Pay. +Here I am by the Heels, and until I get +out again what use is there in Fretting? +Lady Fortune has played me a scurvy trick; +but may she not to-morrow play as roguish +a one to the Sheepfaced old Chamber Lord +with the golden Key, or any other smart +Pink-an-eye Dandiprat that hangs about +the Court? The Spoke which now is +highest in her Wheel may, when she gives +it the next good Twist, be undermost as +Nock. So I took Courage, and bade Despair +go Swing for a dried Yeoman Sprat as he is.</div> + +<p>I being a Servant, and so unjustly accounted +of Base Degree by these Sour-Cabbage +gorging and Sourer-Beer swilling +High Dutch Bed-Pressers, was put into the +Common Ward with the Raff; while my +Master was suffered, on Payment of Fees, +to have better lodgings. Gaolers are Gaolers<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[190]</a></span> +all over the world, and Golden Fetters are +always the lightsomest. We were some +Sixty Rascals (that is to say, Fifty-nine +scoundrels, with one Honest Youth, your +Humble Servant) in the Common Room, +with but one Bed between us; this being, +indeed, but a Raised Wooden Platform, like +that you see in a Soldiers' Guard Room. +They brought us some Straw every day, and +littered us down Dog Fashion, and that was +all we had for Lodging Gear. It mattered +little. There was a Roof to the Gaol that +was weather-tight, and what more could a +Man want?—until things got better at +least.</p> + +<p>Which they speedily did; and neither +Master nor Man came to any very great +harm. 'Twas a near touch, though; and +the safety of Jack Dangerous's bones hung +for days, so I was afterwards told, by the +merest thread. They deliberated long and +earnestly about my case among themselves. +It was even, I believe, brought before the +Aulic Council; but, after about a week's +confinement, and much going to and fro<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[191]</a></span> +between the English Embassador and the +Great ones of the Court, Mr. Pinchin had +signified to him that he might procure his +Enlargement by paying a Fine of Eight +Hundred Florins, which was reckoned remarkably +cheap, considering his outrageous +behaviour at the Shooting match. Some +days longer they thought fit to detain Me; +but My Master, after he regained his liberty, +came to see me once and sometimes twice a +day; and through his and Mr. Hodge's +kindness, I was supplied with as good +Victuals and Drink as I had heretofore been +accustomed to. Indeed, such abundant fare +was there provided for me, that I had +always a superfluity, and I was enabled to +relieve the necessities and fill the bellies of +many poor Miserable Hungry creatures who +otherwise must have starved; for 'twas the +custom of the Crown only to allow their +Captives a few Kreutzers, amounting to +some twopence-farthing a day English, for +their subsistence. The Oldest Prisoner in +the Ward, whom they called Father of the +Room, would on this Bare Pittance take<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[192]</a></span> +tithe and toll, often in a most Extortionate +manner. Then these Gaol birds would fall +to thieving from one another, even as they +slept; and if a man was weak of Arm and +Feeble of Heart, he might go for a week +without touching a doit of his allowance, +and so might Die of Famine, unless he +could manage to beg a little filthy Cabbage +Soup, or a lump of Black Bread, from some +one not wholly without Bowels of Compassion.</p> + +<p>But I had not been here more than a +month when the instances of my master at +length prevailed, and I too was Enlarged; +only some Fifty Florins being laid upon me +by way of fine. This mulct was paid perforce +by Mr. Pinchin; for as 'twas through +his mad folly, and no fault of my own, that +I had come to Sorrow, he was in all Justice +and Equity bound to bear me harmless in +the Consequences. He was fain, however, +to make some Demur, and to Complain, in +his usual piteous manner, of being so +amerced.</p> + +<p>"Suppose you had been sentenced to Five<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[193]</a></span> +Hundred Blows of a Stick, sirrah,"—'twas +thus he put the case to me, logically enough,—"would +you have expected me to pay for +thee in carcase, as now I am paying for thee +in Purse?"</p> + +<p>"Circumstances alter cases," interposes +Mr. Hodge in my behalf. "Here is luckily +no question of Stripes at all. John may +bless his Stars that he hath gotten off +without a Rib-Roasting; and to your +Worship, after the Tune they have made +you dance to, and the Piper you have paid, +what is this miserable little Fine of Fifty +Florins?" So my Master paid; and Leaving +another Ten Florins for the poor Losels in +the Gaol to drink his health in, we departed +from that place of Durance, thinking ourselves, +and with reason, very well out of it.</p> + +<p>Servants are not always so lucky when +they too implicitly obey the behests of +their Masters, or, in a hot fever of Fidelity, +stand up for them in Times of Danger or +Desperate Affrays. Has there not ever +been brought under your notice that famous +French Law Case, of the Court Lady,—the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[194]</a></span> +Dame de Liancourt, I think she was called,—against +whom another Dame had a Spite, +either for her Beauty, or her Wit, or her +Riches' sake? She, riding one day in her +Coach-and-Six by a cross-road, comes upon +the Dame de Liancourt, likewise in her +Coach-and-Six, both ladies having the ordinary +complement of Running Footmen. +My Lady who had a Spite against her of +Liancourt whispers to her Lacqueys; and +these poor Faithful Rogues, too eager to +obey their Mistress's commands, ran to the +other coach-door, pulled out that unlucky +Dame de Liancourt, and then and there inflicted +on her that shameful chastisement +which jealous Venus, as the Poetry books +say, did, once upon a time, order to poor +Psyche; and which, even in our own times, +so I have heard, Madame du Barry, the last +French King's Favourite, did cause Four +Chambermaids to inflict on some Lady about +Versailles with whom she had cause of +Anger. At any rate, the cruel and Disgraceful +thing was done, the Dame sitting +in her coach meanwhile clapping her hands.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[195]</a></span> +O! 'twas a scandalous thing. The poor +Dame de Liancourt goes, Burning with Rage +and Shame, to the Chief Town of the Province, +to lodge her complaint. The matter +is brought before the Parliament, and in due +time it goes to Paris, and is heard and re-heard, +the Judges all making a Mighty +to-do about it; and at last, after some two +years and a half's litigation, is settled in this +wise. My Lady pays a Fine and the Costs, +and begs the Dame de Liancourt's pardon. +But what, think you, becomes of the two +poor Lacqueys that had been rash enough +to execute her Revengeful Orders? Why, +at first they are haled about from one gaol +to another for Thirty Months in succession, +and then they are subjected to the question, +Ordinary and Extraordinary—that is to say, +to the Torture; and at last, when my Lady +is paying her fine of 10,000 livres, I think, +or about Four Hundred Pounds of our +Money, the Judges at Paris pronounce +against these two poor Devils of Footmen,—that +were as innocent of any Malice in the +Matter as the Babe that is unborn, and only<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[196]</a></span> +Did what they were Told,—that one is to be +Hanged in the Place de Grève, and the +other banished to the Galleys, there to be +chained to the Oar for life. A fine Encouragement +truly for those who think that, for +good Victuals and a Fine Livery, they are +bound to obey all the Humours and Caprices, +even to the most Unreasonable and most +Arbitrary, of their Masters and Mistresses.</p> + +<p>We were in no great Mood, after this +Affair was over, to remain in Vienna. Mr. +Pinchin did at first purpose journeying +through the Province of Styria by Gratz, to +a little town on the sea-coast, called Trieste,—that +has much grown in importance during +these latter days,—and so crossing the Gulf +to Venice; but he abandoned this Scheme. +His health was visibly breaking; his Funds, +he said, were running low; he was more +anxious about his Mamma than ever; and +'twas easy to see that he was half-weary and +half-afraid of the Chaplain and Myself, and +that he desired nothing Half so Much as to +get Rid of us Both. So we packed up, and +resumed our Wanderings, but in Retreat<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[197]</a></span> +instead of Advance. We passed, coming +back, through Dresden, where there are +some fine History Pictures, and close to +which the Saxon Elector had set up a great +Factory for the making of painted Pottery +Ware: not after the monstrous Chinese +Fashion, but rather after the Mode practised +with great Success at our own Chelsea. The +manner of making this Pottery was, however, +kept a high State Secret by the government +of the then Saxon Elector; and no +strangers were, on any pretence, admitted +to the place where the Works were carried +on; so of this we saw nothing: and not +Sorry was I of the privation, being utterly +Wearied and palled with much gadding +about and Sight-seeing. So post to Frankfort, +where there were a many Jews; and +thence to Mayence; and from thence down +the grand old River Rhine to the City of +Cologne; whence, by the most lagging stages +I did ever know, to Bruxelles. But we +stayed not here to see the sights—not even +the droll little statue of the Mannikin (at +the corner of a street, in a most improper<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[198]</a></span> +attitude; and there is a Group quite as unseemly +in one of the Markets, so I was told, +although at that time we were fain to pass +them by), which Mannikin the burgesses of +Bruxelles regard as a kind of tutelary Divinity, +and set much greater store by than do +we by our London Stone, or Little Naked +Boy in Panyer Alley. But it is curious +to mark what strange fanteagues these +Foreigners run mad after.</p> + +<p>At Bruxelles my Master buys an old Post +Carriage—cost him Two Hundred and Fifty +Livres, which was not dear; and the wretched +horses of the country being harnessed thereto, +we made Paris in about a week afterwards. +We alighted at a decent enough kind of Inn, +in the Place named after Lewis the Great +(an eight-sided space, and the houses handsome, +though not so large as Golden Square). +There was a great sight the day after our +coming, which we could not well avoid seeing. +This was the Burial of a certain great +nobleman, a Duke and Marshal of France, +and at the time of his Decease Governor of +the City of Paris. I have forgotten his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[199]</a></span> +name; but it does not so much matter at +this time of day, his Grace and Governorship +being as dead as Queen Anne. It began +(the Burial), on foot, from his house, which +was next door but one to our Inn, and went +first to his Parish Church, and thence, in +coaches, right to the other end of Paris, to +a Monastery where his Lordship's Family +Vault was. There was a prodigious long +procession of Flambeaux; Friars, white, +black, and gray, very trumpery, and marvellous +foul-looking; no plumes, banners, +scutcheons, led horses, or open chariots,—altogether +most mean obsequies. The march +began at eight in the evening, and did not +end till four o'clock the next morning, for +at each church they passed they stopped for +a Hymn and Holy Water. And, by the +way, we were told that one of these same +choice Friars, who had been set to watching +the body while it lay in state, fell asleep one +night, and let the Tapers catch fire of the +rich Velvet Mantle, lined with Ermine and +powdered over with gold Flower-de-Luces, +which melted all the candles, and burnt off<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[200]</a></span> +one of the feet of the Departed, before it +wakened the watcher.</p> + +<p>It was afterwards my fortune to know +Paris very well; but I cannot say that I +thought much of the place on first coming +to it. Dirt there was everywhere, and the +most villanous smells that could be imagined. +A great deal of Show, but a vein of +Rascal manners running through it all. +Nothing neat or handsomely ordered. Where +my Master stood to see the Burial Procession, +the balcony was hung with Crimson +Damask and Gold; but the windows behind +him were patched in half-a-dozen places with +oiled paper. At Dinner they gave you at +least Three Courses; but a third of the Repast +was patched up with Sallets, Butter, +Puff-paste, or some such miscarriages of +Dishes. Nothing like good, wholesome, +substantial Belly-Timber. None but Germans, +and other Strangers, wore fine clothes; +the French people mainly in rags, but powdered +up to their eyebrows. Their coaches +miserably horsed, and rope-harnessed; yet, +in the way of Allegories on the panels, all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[201]</a></span> +tawdry enough for the Wedding of Cupid +and Psyche. Their shop-signs extremely +laughable. Here some living at the Y Gue; +some at Venus's Toilette; and others at the +Sucking Cat. Their notions of Honour most +preposterous. It was thought mighty dishonourable +for any that was a Born Gentleman +not to be in the Army, or in the King's +Service, but no dishonour at all to keep +Public Gaming Houses; there being at least +five hundred persons of the first Quality in +Paris living by it. You might go to their +Houses at all Hours of the Night, and find +Hazard, Pharaoh, &c. The men who kept +the gaming-tables at the Duke of Gesvres' +paid him twelve guineas a night for the privilege. +Even the Princesses of the Blood +were mean enough to go snacks in the profits +of the banks kept in their palaces. I +will say nothing more of Paris in this place, +save that it was the fashion of the Ladies +to wear Red Hair of a very deep hue; these +said Princesses of the Blood being consumedly +carroty. And I do think that if a +Princess of the Blood was born with a Tail,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[202]</a></span> +and chose to show it, tied up with Pea-Green +Ribbon, through the Placket-hole of her +Gown, the Ladies, not only in France, but +all over the World, would be proud to sport +Tails with Pea-Green Ribbons,—or any other +colour that was the mode,—whether they +were Born with 'em or not.</p> + +<p>Nothing more that is worthy of Mention +took place until our leaving Paris. We came +away in a calash, that is, my Master and the +Chaplain, riding at their Ease in that vehicle, +while I trotted behind on a little Bidet, and +posted it through St. Denis to Beauvais. So +on to Abbeville, where they had the Impudence +to charge us Ten Livres for three +Dishes of Coffee, and some of the nastiest +Eau de Vie that ever I tasted; excusing +themselves, the Rogues, on the score that +Englishmen were scarce nowadays. And to +our great Relief, we at last arrived at Calais, +where we had comfortable Lodgings, and +good fare, at a not too exorbitant rate. Here +we had to wait four days for a favourable +Wind; and even then we found the Packet +Boat all taken up for Passengers, and not a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[203]</a></span> +place on board to be had either for Love or +Money. As Mr. Pinchin was desperately +pressed to reach his Native Land, to wait for +the next boat seemed utterly intolerable to +him; so, all in a Hurry, and being cheated, +as folks when they are in a Hurry must +needs be, we bargained for a Private Yatch +to take us to Dover. The Master would +hear of nothing less than five-and-twenty +guineas for the voyage, which, with many +Sighs and almost Weeping, my poor Little +Master agrees to give. He might have recouped +himself ten guineas of the money; +for there was a Great Italian Singing Woman, +with her Chambermaid, her Valet de Chambre, +a Black Boy, and a Monkey, bound for +the King's Opera House in the Haymarket, +very anxious to reach England, and willing +to pay Handsomely—out of English pockets +in the long-run—for the accommodation we +had to give; but my capricious Master flies +into a Tiff, and vows that he will have no +Foreign Squallers on board his Yatch with +him. So the poor Signora—who was not at +all a Bad-looking woman, although mighty<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[204]</a></span> +Brown of visage—was fain to wait for the +next Packet; and we went off in very great +state, but still having to Pay with needless +heaviness for our Whistle. And, of course, +all the way there was nothing but whining +and grumbling on his Worship's part, that +so short a trip should have cost him Twenty-five +Guineas. The little Brute was never +satisfied; and when I remembered the Life +I had led with him, despite abundant Victuals, +good Clothes, and decent Wages, I +confess that I felt half-inclined to pitch him +over the Taffrail, and make an End of him, +for good and all.</p> + +<p>The villanous Tub which the Rascals who +manned it called a Yatch was not Seaworthy, +wouldn't answer her Helm, and floundered +about in the Trough of the Sea for a day +and a half; and even then we did not make +Dover, but were obliged to beat up for +Ramsgate. We had been fools enough to +pay the Fare beforehand; and these Channel +Pirates were unconscionable enough to demand +Ten Guineas more, swearing that they +would have us up before the Mayor—who,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[205]</a></span> +I believe, was in league with 'em—if we did +not disburse. Then the Master of the Port +came upon us for Dues and Light Tolls; +and a Revenue Pink boarded us, the Crew +getting Half-drunk at our Expense, under +pretence of searching for contraband, and +sticking to us till we had given the Midshipman +a guinea, and another guinea to the +Crew, to drink our Healths.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[206]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SEVENTH.</h2> + +<h3>OF CERTAIN TICKLISH UPS AND DOWNS IN MY LIFE: +AMONGST OTHERS OF MY BEING PRESSED FOR SERVICE +IN THE FLEET.</h3> + + +<div class='unindent'><span class="smcap">The</span> best of Friends, says the Proverb, must +part, and so must the worst, or the most +indifferent of companions. By this time, I +apprehend,—that is to say, the year 1728, +Messieurs Pinchin, Hodge, and Dangerous +had had quite enough of each other's company, +and 'twas ripe Time for 'em to Part. +Not but what there were some difficulties +in the way. 'Twas not to be denied that +my little Master was a parcel curmudgeon, +very vain and conceited, very difficult of +management in his Everlasting Tempers, +and a trifle Mad, besides; but his service—apart +from the inconvenience of bearing +with a tetchy, half Lunatic Ape of Quality, +was light and easy; the victuals were abundant<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[207]</a></span> +and the Wages were comfortable. There +must be two parties to make a quarrel, and +when Master and servant propose to part, +there should be a perfect agreement between +them as to the manner of their going +asunder. A Hundred times, vexed by the +follies and exactions of the little man, I had +sworn that I would doff his livery, and have +nothing more to do with him; but then came +the Reflection of the certain Bite and Sup, +and I withheld my abandonment of Service. +It may be that the Chaplain, Mr. Hodge, +was very much of the same mind as your +Humble. He said often, that he had been +bearleader quite long enough to this young +Cub, and was sick alike of his savage hugs, +and uncouth gestures, when he had a mind +to dance. Yet was he wise enough in his +generation to acknowledge the commodity +of a fat Pasty and a full Flask every day in +the year, and of a neverfailing crown piece +in the pouch in the morning for a draught +to cool one's throat, when the bottle had +been pushed about pretty briskly overnight. +Parson Hodge was a philosopher.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[208]</a></span> +"I don't like the kicks," quoth he; "but +when halfpence come along with 'em, they +cease to be intolerable."</div> + +<p>However, all our nice weighings of Pros +and Cons were brought to a very abrupt +standstill upon our arrival at Dover (having +taken a post chariot from Ramsgate) by the +Inconceivable Behaviour of Mr. Pinchin. +This young Gentleman, utterly forgetting +the claims of Duty, of Honour, of Honesty, +and of Gratitude, fairly Ran away from us, +his faithful and Attached Domestics. Without +with your leave or by your leave he +showed us a clean pair of Heels. He left +a very cool Letter for the Chaplain in the +hands of the master of the Inn where we +put up, in which he repeated his old uncivil +Accusation, that we had eaten him out of +House and Home, that we were Leeches, +Pirates, bloodsucking vampires, and the like—myself +he even did the honour to call a +Designing Cockatrice—and that he had fled +from us to save the small remains of his +Fortune from being Devoured, and intended +to rejoin his long-neglected Mamma. Mr.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[209]</a></span> +Hodge read me this letter with a very long +face, and asked me what I intended to do. +I answered that I should be better able to +tell him when he had read me the Postscript +to the letter, for that I hardly fancied that +Squire Pinchin would behave in so Base and +Mean a manner as to run away without +paying his Body Servant's wages. Upon +this the Reverend Gentleman hems and ha's +somewhat, and gave me to understand that +Mr. Pinchin had enclosed a draft upon a +Goldsmith in Change Alley in part disbursement +of his debt to him, Mr. Hodge, and +that out of that—although no special provision +had been made for me by Mr. Pinchin—he +thought he could spare me a matter of +Ten Pound. Now as he kept the letter very +tight in his hand, and was, withal, a Strong +Man, who would have resisted any attempt +of mine to wrest it from him, I was fain to +take his statement for granted, and in a very +Sulky manner agreed to accept the Ten +Pound in full of all demands, stipulating +only that my Travelling charges to London +should be defrayed. This Mr. Hodge<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[210]</a></span> +boggled at for awhile; but, seeing me Resolute +he gave way, and at last said that there +was no need for me to trouble with going +to the Goldsmith in London to get the Draft +changed—"If, indeed," says he, "the unhappy +young spendthrift be not proclaimed +a Bankrupt before I get this slip of paper +cashed;" and that having a small store of +Gold by him, he would give me the Ten +Pound down, together with a couple of +Pieces to bear my Expenses to the Town. +To this I agreed; and his Reverence handing +me over the ready, we cried Quits.</p> + +<p>"And now, Sir," says I, "as you are no +longer a Led-Parson, and I am no longer a +Lacquey, we are both, till we get Fresh +Places, Gentlemen at large, and Jack is as +good as his Master, I shall be happy to +crack a bottle of Lisbon with you, and +whether you pay or I pay shall be decided +by the flinging up of a Jacobus."</p> + +<p>He declared that I was an Impudent +young Fellow, with more Wickednesses in +my Heart than I had hairs in my Head; +but he accepted my Invitation to crack the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[211]</a></span> +bottle of Lisbon very readily, and won the +Toss of me with much Affability. So, after +a joyous Rouse (which my young Head could +then stand, but I am a sad Skinker at the +bottle now), the Landlord standing in, we +drank Mr. Pinchin's health and better +manners to him; and his Reverence dismissed +me with a Buss and his Benediction.</p> + +<p>"When you reach London, which is a +wicked place," says he; "I prithee get you +to Highgate, and without more ado cause +yourself to be sworn upon the Horns there, +never to drink Small Ale when you can get +Strong, and never to Kiss the Maid when +you can Kiss the Mistress. After that, with +your Face, and your Figure, and your +Foreign Travel, to say nothing of your +Amazing Impudence, and your Incorrigible +habit of Lying, I think you will do pretty +well. Go thy ways, my son, and if ever you +come to be hanged, send for Parson Hodge, +and he will (with the Ordinary's permission) +do everything for you in the cart that a True +Blue Church and State Man can wish. <i>Vale:</i> +that is to say, get off, you vagabond," with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[212]</a></span> +which in his merry way he half pushes me +out of the room at the Inn, and I dare say +that he had given a sufficiently liberal construction +to Mr. Pinchin's postscript as to +cheat me out of Twenty Pound.</p> + +<p>And now on this worthy I must bestow +a brace of Paragraphs ere I dismiss him +for good and all, premising that the knowledge +of what I am about to set down +did not come upon me at this period of my +History, but was gathered up, in Odds and +Ends in subsequent epochs of my career:—some +of it, indeed, many years afterwards. +Parson Hodge had managed—all losses +allowed for—to feather his nest pretty well +out of his attendance on Squire Bartholomew +Pinchin, and the ten or twelve pound he +doled out to me (whether the story about +the draft on the Goldsmith was a Cock and +Bull one or not) must have been but a mere +fleabite to him. I heard that he went down +to the Bath, and dropping his Clerical +Dignity for awhile, set up for a fashionable +Physician of High Dutch extraction that +was to cure all ailments. Doctor Von<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[213]</a></span> +Hoogius I think he called himself; and his +travelling about with my little Master had +given him just such a smattering of Tongues +as to enable him to speak Broken English +with just so much of a foreign accent as to +make it unlike a Brogue or a Burr. The +guineas came in pretty quickly, and I believe +that he cured several people of the +Quinsy with pills made of dough, hogslard, +cinnamon, and turmeric, and that he was +highly successful in ridding ladies of fashion +of the vapours by means of his Royal +Arabian Electuary, which was nothing more +than white Jamaica Rum coloured pink and +with a flavouring of Almonds. The regular +Practitioners, however, grew jealous of him, +and beginning to ask him impertinent questions +about his Diploma, he was fain to give +up Legitimate practice, and to pick up a +dirty Living as a mere Quack, and Vendor +of Pills, Potions, Salves, Balsams, and +Elixirs of Life. Then he came down in the +world, owing to a Waiting Gentlewoman +whose fortune he must needs tell, and whom, +'tis said, he cozened out of three quarters'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[214]</a></span> +wages; so, for fear of being committed by +the justices as a Rogue and Vagabond, he +then kept a Herb Shop for some time, with +great success, until he got into trouble about +a Horse, and being clearly Tart of that +crime, very wisely shifted his quarters to the +Kingdom of Ireland. I have heard that by +turns he was, in his New Sphere, a Player +at the Dublin Theatre, a Drawer at a Usquebaugh +Shop in Cork, a hedge-schoolmaster +among the Bogtrotters—a wild, savage kind +of People, that infest the Southern parts of +that fertile but distracted kingdom—a +teacher of the Mathematics in Belfast, and +a fiddler going about to wakes and weddings +in the county of Galway. 'Twas whilst +pursuing this last and jovial vocation that +he was fortunate enough to run away with +an Heiress of considerable Fortune. He +managed it by a sort of Rough and Ready +process they call over there an Abduction, +two or three of the Wild Irishes being killed +while he was getting the young lady on the +car to take her away to be married; and she, +happening to be a Ward in Chancery, he fell<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[215]</a></span> +into Contempt, and was committed to Newgate +in the City of Dublin, where he might +have lain till his heels rotted off, but for the +Favourable Renown into which he grew by +his Bold and Gallant Feat of Abduction, +and which brought him into such sympathetic +notice, that interest was made with +the Chancellor to purge him of his contempt, +and he was honourably Discharged +therefrom by means of escaping from Newgate +at night by means of a Silver Key +agreed upon betwixt him and the Warden. +By the way, he had the sagacity at this time +to conceal his being an Englishman, and +passed very easily by the name of O'Hagan. +A subscription was made for him among the +Quality after his Enlargement, and he was +charitably advised to push his fortune among +the Saxons in England, his good friends +little suspecting that he had already pushed +his Fortune there, at different times, to a +very pretty tune. But for his unfortunate—or +rather fortunate, for him—collision +with justice, he might have obtained employment +as a Tithe Proctor with some of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[216]</a></span> +dignified and non-resident Established Clergy +in Ireland, who were very anxious to have +able and Unscrupulous Men to collect their +Dues for 'em; but the Sister Isle being, on +several accounts, too hot for Mr. Hodge, Von +Hoogius, O'Hagan, he took shipping with a +purse full of guineas, collected for him by +his kind friends, for Liverpool in Lancashire. +Here he prospered indifferently for a +time, now as a Schoolmaster, now as a +Quack Doctor, under his old High Dutch +alias, and now as an Agent for the crimping +of children for the West India plantations, +which last traffic I have ever held, for reasons +personal, to be utterly Indefensible and +Abominable. A Bill of Indictment before +the Grand Jury speedily, however, put an +end to the chaplain's dealings in flesh and +blood; so he made what haste he could to +town, where squandering what means he +had with him in Riot and Unthrift, and +being unluckily recognised by an old acquaintance +in the Tailoring line, he was +arrested on civil process, and clapped into +the Fleet Prison. But here his ever-soaring<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[217]</a></span> +genius took a new Flight. Those half surreptitious +and wholly scandalous Nuptials +known as Fleet Marriages, were then very +rife, and the adventurer had wit enough to +discover that it was to his interest to resume +his cassock and bands, and to become the +Reverend Mr. Hodge once more. Not +much was wanted to set him up in business. +Canonicals were to be had cheap enough in +Rag Fair for the sending for 'em; a greasy +Common Prayer Book and a chandler's-shop +ledger to serve as a Register, did not cost +much; so with these, and an inimitably +Brazen face, behold our worthy equipped as +a perfect Fleet Parson. He had to maintain +at first a ragged regiment of cads and +Runners to tout for him and bring him +customers, but he soon became notorious, +and formed a very fine connexion. Judgements +by the score had been obtained, and +Detainers lodged against him at the gate, +since his incarceration at the suit of his +acquaintance, the Tailor; but 'twas not long +ere he contrived, by the easy process of +joining people's hands, to gain enough to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[218]</a></span> +pay all the claims against him, and by permission +of the Warden of the Fleet, to set +up a Chapel and Liquor Shop within the +rules of the prison. Punch, Geneva, poisonous +wine, brandy, bitters, Rum, and Tobacco, +were sold below stairs, and the Order for the +Solemnization of Matrimony was performed +on the first floor. It became quite a fashionable +thing to go and be married by Parson +Hodge, and at last it would be said of him, +that if he extorted money from you beforehand, +he did not pick your pocket afterwards, +as too many of the Fleet Parsons in +those shameful days were in the habit of +doing. He continued at this merry game +for many years, being in his way quite as +popular as Orator Henley, and coining a +great deal more money than that crack-brained +Fanatic—for I have always been at +pains to discover whether Henley was more +Rogue or Fool—till at last his lucrative but +unholy trade was put an end to by an Act +of Parliament, called for by the righteous +indignation of all peaceable and loyal subjects +of the King, who did not desire to be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[219]</a></span> +married in haste and to repent at leisure. I +believe that Parson Hodge retired with a +comfortable fortune, and, going down into +Somersetshire, purchased a small estate there, +and died, much respected, in the odour of many +pigs, and in the Commission of the Peace.</p> + +<p>As for poor little Bartholomew Pinchin, +his career was not nearly so prosperous, nor +his end so happy. You will learn, a little +further on, what scurvy tricks Fortune +played him, and how at last his poor little +brains succumbed to the rough toasting of +that graceless jade. I had always thought +him Mad, and Mad, indeed, as a March hare +he proved to be in the long run.</p> + +<p>And now as to Myself, for it is surely +fitting that a proper young Fellow, such as +I was now, stout and vigorous, and going +for nineteen years of age, should no longer +remain in the Background. First I hied me +to London by the waggon, where, after four +days' journey—for it was ill travelling in +those days, between London and Dover—I +arrived without any misadventure. I was +my own Master, I had Ten Pound in my<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[220]</a></span> +pocket (the two additional Pieces being now +spent), and I did not know one single soul +in a city of eight hundred thousand inhabitants. +Is it to be wondered at, under +these premises, that before I fixed upon any +decided line of life, I went, first of all, to the +Deuce. It took me but a woundily short +time to reach that Goal. For ten pounds +you may reckon, we will say—if you put up +at a small alehouse in the Borough—upon +about ten friends who shall be very fond of +you for a couple of days. I think, at the +beginning of the third, I had just three and +sixpence left wherewith to buy a razor to cut +my throat withal. "Stuff and nonsense!" +cried the last of the fleeting friends who had +abided with me. "Three and sixpence for +a razor, forsooth! why, a yard of good new +cord, quite strong enough to bear your +weight, can be bought in any shop in +Tooley-street for a penny. You have just +three and fivepence left, brother, to make +yourself merry for the day, and, please the +pigs, we will be merry as grigs upon it until +Sundown (for I took a fancy to you the first<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[221]</a></span> +minute I set eyes upon you), and even then +there are two ways out of the hobble, +without twisting your weasand. I have a +pair of pistols, and as I love you like a +brother, will share anything with you; and +we will pad the hoof betwixt this and Deptford, +and see whether we can meet any fat +Kentish hop-grower on his way to the +Borough Market with more money than wit—a +capital plan, any way, seeing that if you +fail, the Sheriff will hang you for nothing, +and you can keep your penny for drink, or +else you can list for a soldier, as many a tall +and pretty fellow in the like straits has +done before."</p> + +<p>I civilly declined this amicable and philosophical +advice, for it had suddenly become +apparent to me that my new friend was a +confirmed Rogue. For opening of the Eyes +there is nothing like having spent all your +money. I gave him a shilling, however, out +of my three and sixpence, and crossed +London Bridge to see if I could find better +luck on the Middlesex side, determined, if +nothing offered itself during the day, to ask<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[222]</a></span> +my way to the Barracks at the Savoy and +list for a Soldier. I amused myself as I +walked, with the thought that chance might +so bring it about for the Sergeant who would +give me the King's shilling to be the selfsame +grenadier whose sconce I had broken +years agone in Charlwood Chase with the +Demijohn of Brandy.</p> + +<p>I had heard, as most Ignoramuses have +done, I suppose, that London Streets are +paved with Gold; and I found 'em as +Muddy, as Stony, and as Hardhearted as I +dare say they have been discovered by ten +thousand Ignoramuses before my time to +be. I was quite dazed and stupified with +the noise and uproar of the Great City, the +more perplexing to me as I was not only a +Stranger, but almost a Foreigner and Outlandish +Man in Great Britain. I could speak +my own tongue well enough with Parson +Hodge and Mr. Pinchin, but when it came +to be clamoured all around me by innumerable +voices, I a'most lost heart, and gave up +the notion that I was an Englishman at all. +It must be confessed, that half a century<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[223]</a></span> +since we English were a very Blackguard +People, and that London was about the most +disreputable city in all Europe. There were +few public buildings of any great note or +of Majestic Proportions, save St. Paul's +Cathedral, the Monument, and the Banqueting +House at Whitehall. The Mansion +House and the Bank of England were not +yet built, and between them and the Royal +Exchange (the which, noble enough in itself, +was girt about, and choked up with Shops +and Tenements exceeding mean and shabby), +was a nasty, rubbishing, faint-smelling place, +full of fruiterers and herbalists, called the +Stocks Market. The crazy and rotten City +Gates blocked up the chief thoroughfares, +and across the bottom of Ludgate Hill +yawned a marvellous foul and filthy open +sewer, rich in dead dogs and cats, called the +Fleet Ditch. This street was fair enough, +and full of commodious houses and wealthy +shops, but all about Temple Bar was a vile +and horrid labyrinth of lanes and alleys, the +chief and the most villanous of which was a +place full of tripe shops and low taverns,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[224]</a></span> +called Butcher Row, leading from the Bar +down to the Churchyard of St. Clement's +Danes. The Strand was broad and fair +enough to view as far as the New Exchange; +but in lieu of that magnificent structure +which Sir William Chambers, the Swedish +architect, has built for Government offices, +and where the Royal Academy of Arts and +the Learned Societies have their apartments +(when I first came to town there was no +Royal Academy at all, only a Mean School +for painting from the Life and drawing from +Bustos in St. Martin's Lane; the Royal Society +held their sittings in a court off Fleet +Street; the College of Physicians was chock-a-block +among the butchers in Warwick +Lane, Newgate Market, where it still, to the +scandal of Science, remains; and Surgeon's +Hall, where malefactors were anatomised +after execution—a Sanguinary but Salutary +custom—was in the Old Bailey, over against +the leads of the Sessions House)—in place, +then, of what we now call Somerset House, +albeit it has lost all connexion with the proud +Duke of that name, there stood the Old<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[225]</a></span> +Palace of the Queens of England, a remarkable +tumbledown barn of a place, +hideous in its ugliness towards the Strand, +but having some stately edifices at the back, +built by that Famous Engineer, Mr. Inigo +Jones. Here sometimes Queens were lodged, +and sometimes Embassadors—'twas the +Venetian Envoy, I think, that had his rooms +in Somerset House when I first knew it,—and +sometimes Masquerades were given. A +company of Soldiers was kept on guard in +the precincts, not so much for ornament as +for use, for they had hard work every night +in the week in quelling the pottle-pot brawls +and brabbling among the Rogues, Thieves, +Besognosos, Beggars, Ribbibes, Bidstands, +and Clapper-dudgeons, male and female, who +infested the outskirts of the Old Palace, or +had Impudently Squatted within its very +walls, and had made of the Place a very +Alsatia, now that Scamp's Paradise in +Whitefriars had been put down by Act of +Parliament. Here they burrowed like so +many Grice, till the shoulder-tapping +Pilchers of the Compter came a badger-drawing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[226]</a></span> +with their bludgeons. 'Twas a perfect +chaos of clap-dishes, skeldering, cranion-legged +Impostors, fittous cripples, and +gambling bullies, for ever roaring over Post +and Pair, or Dust Point, or throwing their +Highmen, or barbing gold, or yelling profane +songs and catches. A man was killed +here about every other day in some Callet +and Cockoloch squabble, and there was a +broil about twice in every hour. Of course +there were Patricos here, who only wanted +Fashionable Encouragement to rival the +Feet Parsons in the trade of faggot-weddings. +There were philosophers who devised +schemes for paying off the National Debt, +or for making roast ribs of beef out of +brickbats. Here were swept the last pillings +and frayings of the South Sea Bubble, in the +shape of divers Speculators and Directors +who had absconded from their Creditors, and +were here pretty safe from arrest, for although +not legally a sanctuary, it was as +chancy to cop a man here on a capias as +to put one's naked hand into a bag full +of rats.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[227]</a></span></p> + +<p>I dined this day at a sixpenny ordinary in +the New Exchange, and after that asked my +way to the Savoy, which I found to be close +by. So I walked down to the old Tower, +and passed the time of day to the Sergeant +of the Guard, who was for having me empty +a can of ale with him on the spot, but I +would not then, and concealed my intention, +being minded to defer the execution of it +till sunset. I don't know what Vain and +Foolish Hope possessed me that something +might yet turn up which might save me from +the sad necessity of listing for a soldier, to +the which vocation, mindful of my early experiences +among the Blacks in Charlwood +Chase, I entertained a very sincere Abhorrence. +So I wandered up and down the +Streets, asking from time to time where I was, +and being (as is usual with the People of +England in their intercourse with strangers) +cursed or laughed at for a fool or a bumpkin. +Half a dozen times I felt that some rogue +was trying my pocket; but I knew I had no +money to be robbed of, and kept my kerchief +in my hat; only the bare endeavour made<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[228]</a></span> +me mad, and the next time one of my gentleman +nick-skins made a dive into my +pouch, I turned round and hit him a crack +over the head with a short knobbed-stick I +carried, which, I warrant, made him repent +of his Temerity.</p> + +<p>I had gotten into St. James's Park about +four o'clock in the afternoon, and was walking +very moodily by the side of the long +water trench called Rosamond's Pond, when +at once a desire seized hold of me to behold +the Tower of London. Whether in my fantastic +Imagination I deemed that I might +find Tower Hill paved with gold, or pick +up some Profitable Acquaintance there, it is +fruitless as this distance of time to inquire. +But I must needs see the Tower, and was as +eager for a view of that famous Fortress as +though I had been the veriest holiday-making +and sight-seeing Country Cousin. +I made my way into the Birdcage walk, and +so through Palace-yard down to the stairs +at the foot of where they were driving the +first piles of that great structure which is +now called Westminster Bridge. Here a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[229]</a></span> +Waterman agreed to take me to the Tower +stairs for a shilling, which was not above +thrice his legal fare, but yokels and simpletons +are common prey in this great village +of London. I observed more than once as +he rowed me down stream that we were followed +by a heavy wherry, manned by stout, +smart fellows in frocks of blue duck, who +kept stroke remarkably well together, and +whose coxswain eyed me very narrowly. +As we were shooting one of the narrow +arches of London Bridge—(then covered +with shops and houses, with barbicans, and +traitors' heads spiked upon 'em at each end, +and I have heard old people say that many +a time they have fished for perch and grayling +standing on the starlings of the Bridge)—this +wherry fouled our craft, and my +waterman burst into a volley of horrible +ribald abuse, till he who was coxswain +among the blue-frocked gentry spake some +words to him in a low voice, at which he +touched his cap, and became quite Meek +and Humble. I caught him eyeing me, +quite as narrowly as the steersman of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[230]</a></span> +wherry had done, and when I asked him +what ailed him, he stuck his Tongue in his +cheek and grinned audaciously.</p> + +<p>"Who were those rough fellows in the +wherry, yonder, that fouled us?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"Bluebottles," says he, with another grin.</p> + +<p>"What d'ye mean, fellow?" I continued.</p> + +<p>"Well, fresh-water fishermen, if you +like," he went on, "that bait their hooks +with salt worms. Will you please pay me +my fare now, Master, since I am a Fellow +forsooth, and Murphy's Murrain to you?"</p> + +<p>What Murphy's Murrain was—except +some term of waterside sculduddrey I did +not know—but I paid the knave his shilling, +whereupon he very importunately +craved another sixpence to drink my health, +saying that it might be a very long time +before he saw me again. Now I happened +only to have one and fourpence left in the +world, and suspecting that I had already +overpaid him, I resisted further extortion, +upon which he became more and more +clamorous for money, and finding that I +was as obstinate as he, rested on his oars<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[231]</a></span> +and declared that, burn him—with many +other execrations too unseemly to transcribe—he +would not pull a stroke further. This +it seems was by no means an uncommon +occurrence among the dishonest waterside +knaves of those days, and it afforded vast +sport to a mob of small craft that gathered +round, and the people in which covered +me with ridicule and abuse, calling me a +Thames Bilk, and advising the waterman to +hold me over the side of the boat by the +scruff of the neck and give me a Ducking. +I was in a great Quandary, and knew not +what to do.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile the heavy wherry, which had +kept close in our offing, pulled almost on +board of us, and the coxswain hailed us to +know what was the matter.</p> + +<p>"Here's a Holiday Tailor that would +seek to stump a poor waterman of his fare," +quoth the false scoundrel who was striving +to rob me.</p> + +<p>"'Tis a base lie!" I cried out; "I gave +him a shilling at Westminster stairs to row +me to the Tower wharf."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[232]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Fare's only fourpence. Shame! shame!" +cried one part of the people in the small +craft.</p> + +<p>"He's a Bilk," yelled another part of +'em. "Duck him, Goodman Crabs, duck +him."</p> + +<p>"Stop," cries the coxswain of the wherry, +standing up. "It <i>is</i> a shame. The poor +fellow shan't be put upon. Here, young +man, step on board this, and we'll land you +at the Tower wharf for nothing; and here, +waterman, take this shilling and be d—d to +you, and sheer off before you can cry Poor +John."</p> + +<p>The wherry by this time had got so close +on our quarter that, thanking the blue-frocked +gentlemen for their politeness, I +was able to step on board the wherry without +any difficulty. My thief of a waterman +took the shilling which was flung to him, +and again sticking his tongue in his cheek, +and grinning in a more unblushing manner +than before, pulled away. The crowd in +the small craft set up a cheer, that had +more of derision than approbation in it, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[233]</a></span> +I once more heard the cry of "Blue +Bottles."</p> + +<p>These Blue Bottles, however, were as +good as their word, for five minutes afterwards +I was landed safe and sound at the +Tower wharf. I thanked them all very +heartily; but, as I had not enough money +to treat them all, made bold to confess the +narrowness of my means to the coxswain, +begging that he, at least, would do me the +honour to take a mug of flip—which could +be had, double allowance, for fourpence. +He clapped me, in reply, on the shoulder in +the most friendly manner, and said, roast +him, that he would not see me put upon; +that I was evidently a lad of mettle and +spirit, and that I should go with him to the +"Admiral Benbow," on Little Tower Hill, +close by, where he would himself stand treat +for as many mugs of flip or Punch as ever I +liked.</p> + +<p>He would take no denial to his hospitable +proposal, so that I accompanied him to the +"Admiral Benbow," a snuggish little hostelry, +about which some half a score more<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[234]</a></span> +stout fellows in blue frocks were lounging. +But these I noticed had broad leather belts +round their waists, in which were stuck +pistols, and to which hung cutlasses.</p> + +<p>When we had made ourselves comfortable +in the little back parlour of the "Admiral +Benbow" over a steaming jug and a Pipe of +Tobacco, my companion began to ask me a +few questions, to which, with the ingenuous +candour of youth, I made full replies. I +told him that I was a young man seeking +my fortune, but had as yet come only on +very scurvy luck; that I had spent all my +money; that I had but recently come from +foreign parts, and that, in despite of finding +honest employment, I had made up my +mind to list for a soldier that very night.</p> + +<p>"Don't do that, boy?" cried my friend +the coxswain. "Curse pipeclay and red +blanketing, and the life of a swaddy. The +sea, the blue glorious sea's the place for a +bold heart like you."</p> + +<p>I answered that I knew not enough of +seamanship to take the place of an officer, +and that I considered the condition of a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[235]</a></span> +common sailor as too base for one of my +bringing up.</p> + +<p>"Ay, ay! you shall be an officer in +time, my hearty," answered the Coxswain—"Lord +High Admiral, for a certainty; but +you must creep through the hawse-holes +first. There's nothing like half-a-dozen +cruises before the mast for taking the conceit +out of a maple-faced hobbledehoy."</p> + +<p>Whether I was maple-faced or not, I did +not stay to argue; but there was something +about the mahogany face of the coxswain +that misliked me much. Now that I inspected +him closely I recognised in him +something of that mangonising or slave-dealing +expression which is burnt in as with +a Red-hot Iron upon the countenances of all +those whose trade is kidnapping and man-stealing. +So without more ado I rose to go, +thanking him for his treat, and saying that +if I went to sea it should be at my own +pleasure and in my own way.</p> + +<p>"Stop abit," he answered, rising with me, +and putting his back against the door—"not +so fast, my hearty! King George doesn't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[236]</a></span> +allow likely young blades to slip through +his fingers in this fashion. As you're in +such a deuce of a hurry, I think we'd better +see the Midshipmite."</p> + +<p>I measured him with my eye, but at once +gave up all thoughts of mastering him if I +attempted violence in leaving the room. He +was taller than I, broader across the chest, +older, his limbs better knit, and in every +way the more powerful. He too, I saw, was +taking stock of me, and marking from my +Frame and my Mien that, although young, +I was likely to prove an Ugly Customer, he +outs with a pistol from under his jerkin, and +holds it to my head with one hand, while +with the other he blows a smart call upon a +silver whistle suspended by a lanyard round +his neck.</p> + +<p>In a moment the room was full of blue-frocked +ruffians; a dozen pistols were levelled +at my head, a dozen cutlasses drawn menacingly +against me. Before I knew where I +was I was tripped up, knocked down from +behind, a gag forced into my mouth, and a +pair of handcuffs slipped on to my wrists.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[237]</a></span></p> + +<p>"No offence, shipmate," said a big fellow +with black whiskers, as he knelt on my chest +and screwed the manacles on so tightly that +I gave a scream of pain. "We always begin +in this here way—we crimps our cod +before we cooks it. To-morrow morning, +when you've had your grog, you'll be as +gentle as a lamb, and after your first cruise +you'll be as ready as ere a one of us to come +cub-hunting."</p> + +<p>Upon this there entered the room he +whom the coxswain had spoken of as the +<ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'Mishipmite'">Midshipmite</ins>, and who I rightly conjectured +to be in authority over these dare-devils. +He was a young man wearing his own hair, +which was bright red. His face was all +covered with pimples, and his mouth was +harelipped from a sword cut. He had canvas +bags and grey ribbed hose like a common +sailor, but his hat was bound with a +scrap of dirty gold lace; he had a hanger +at his side, and on his threadbare blue coat +I could see the King's button. Withal he +was a very precise gentleman, and would +listen to nothing but facts. He bade his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[238]</a></span> +men remove the gag from my mouth, and +then addressed me.</p> + +<p>"The fact of the matter is," says he, +"that you've been kicking up a devil of a +row, and that you'd much better have gone +quietly with the coxswain."</p> + +<p>"Why am I kidnapped? why have you +put these footpad bracelets on me?" I cried +out, passionately.</p> + +<p>"The fact of the matter is that we always +do it to save time and trouble," answered +the Midshipmite—"Easy and quiet is the +word at the 'Admiral Benbow.'"</p> + +<p>"I'll have the law of you!" I exclaimed, +in a rage.</p> + +<p>"Exactly so," quoth the Midshipmite, +quite politely. "May I ask if you're a free-man +of the City of London?"</p> + +<p>"I am not."</p> + +<p>"Precisely so. Are you a waterman, duly +entered at your Hall, and all arrears paid +up, or an apprentice, carrying your indentures +with you?"</p> + +<p>"I am not, and I don't know what you +mean."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[239]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Then the fact of the matter is," said the +Midshipmite, with a chuckle, "that we've +got the law of <i>you</i>. The King, God bless +him, wants stout and gallant hearts to man +his fleet, and you're about the likeliest young +fellow I've seen this week; so the best thing +you can do is to go willingly on board the +Tower Tender, of which I have the honour +to be second in command. If you won't, +the fact of the matter is that we must make +you."</p> + +<p>"But why should I go with you?" I +urged.</p> + +<p>"The fact of the matter is that you're +Pressed," coolly answered the Midshipmite, +or midshipman, "and if you want to see the +warrant, you may ask Davy Jones for it, who +keeps it under three seals in his locker to +prevent accidents."</p> + +<p>Between listing for a soldier and being +pressed for a sailor there was not, I take it, +much difference. Either way, the chance of +a livelihood offered itself. But I did not +like this violent way of doing things, and I +told the midshipman so. He merely ordered<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[240]</a></span> +his blue-frocks to take me away. Then I +attempted to burst my bonds, and bit, +kicked, and struggled, so that it took half-a-dozen +men to drag me to the door.</p> + +<p>"The fact of the matter is," remarked the +midshipman, filling himself a glass of punch, +"that there's always this hullabaloo at the +first going off, and that you'd better give +him One for peace and quietness."</p> + +<p>Somebody immediately followed the officer's +advice, and gave me One with the butt +end of a pistol, which nearly clove my skull +in twain, and certainly made me peaceable +and quietness, for it stunned me.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[241]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER THE EIGHTH.</h2> + +<h3>JOHN DANGEROUS IS IN THE SERVICE OF +KING GEORGE.</h3> + + +<div class='unindent'><span class="smcap">It</span> now becomes expedient for me to pass +over no less than Fifteen Years of my momentous +Career. I am led to do this for +divers cogent Reasons, two of which I will +forthwith lay before my Reader. For the +first, let me urge a Decent Prudence. It is +not, Goodness knows, that I have any thing +to be ashamed of which should hinder me +from giving a Full, True, and Particular +Account of all the Adventures that befell +me in these same fifteen Years, with the same +Minute Particularity which I bestowed upon +my Unhappy Childhood, my varied Youth, +and stormy Adolescence. I did dwell, perhaps, +with a fonder circumspection and more<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[242]</a></span> +scrupulous niceness upon those early days, +inasmuch as the things we have first known +and suffered are always more vividly presented +to our mind when we strive to recall +'em, sitting as old men in the ingle-nook, +than are the events of complete manhood. +Yet do I assure those who have been at the +pains to scan the chapters that have gone +before, that it would be easy for me to sit +down with the Fidelity of a Ledger-Keeper +all the things that happened unto me from +my <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'eiteenth'">eighteenth</ins> year, when I last bade them +leave, and the year 1747, when I had come +to be three-and-thirty years of age. I +remember all: the Ups and Downs; the +Crosses and the Runs of Luck; the Fortunes +and Misfortunes; the Good and the +Bad Feasts I sat me down to, during an +ever-changing and Troublous Period. But, +as I have said, I have been moved thus to +skip over a vast tract of time through Prudence. +There may have been certain items +in my life upon which, now that I am respectable +and prosperous, I no more care to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[243]</a></span> +think of. There may be whole pages, close-written +and full of Stirring Matter, which I +have chosen to cancel; there may be occurrences +treated of which it is best, at this +time of Day, to draw a Veil over. Finally, +there may be Great Personages still Living +who would have just cause to be Offended +were I to tell all I know. The dead belong +to all the World, and their Bones are oft-times +Dug up and made use of by those +who in the Flesh knew them not; but +Famous Persons live to a very Great Age, +and it is sometimes scandalous to recount +what adventures one has had with 'em in +the days of their hot and rash Youth. Had +I permission to publish all I am acquainted +with, the very Hair upon your Head might +stand up in Amazement at some of the +Matters I could relate:—how Mean and +Base the Great and Powerful might become; +how utterly Despisable some of the +most Superb and Arrogant Creatures of this +our Commonwealth might appear. But I +am prudent and Hold my Tongue.</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[244]</a></span> + +Again, and for the Second Reason, I am +led to pass over these fifteen years through +a feeling that is akin to Mercy and Forbearance +towards my Reader. For I well know +how desperately given is John Dangerous to +a wordy Garrulity—how prone he is to make +much of little things, and to elevate to the +dignity of Important and Commanding +Events that which is perchance only of the +very slightest moment. By Prosing and +Amplifying, by Moralizing and Digressing, +by spinning of yarns and wearing of reflections +threadbare, I might make a Great +Book out of the pettiest and most uneventful +career; but even in honestly transcribing +my actual adventures, one by one,—the +things I have done, and the Men and Women +I have known,—I should imperceptibly +swell a Narrative, which was at first meant +to attain no great volume, to most deplorable +dimensions. And the World will no +longer tolerate Huge Chronicles in Folio, +whether they relate to History, to Love or +Adventure, to Voyages and Travels, or even<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[245]</a></span> +to Philosophy, Mechanics, or the Useful +Arts. The world wants smart, dandy little +volumes, as thin as a Herring, and just as +Salt. For these two reasons, then, do I +nerve myself to a sudden leap, and entreat +you now to think no longer of John Dangerous +as a raw youth of eighteen summers, +but as a sturdy, well-set man of thirty-three.</p> + +<p>Yet, lest mine Enemies and other vile +Rascal Fellows that go about the town taking +away the characters of honest people +for mere Envy and Spitefulness' sake, lest +these petty curmudgeons should, in their +own sly saucy manner, Mop and Mow, and +Grin and Whisper, that If I am silent as to +Fifteen Years of my Sayings and Doings, I +have good cause for holding my peace,—lest +these scurril Slanderers should insinuate +that during this time I lay in divers Gaols +for offences which I dare not avow, that I +was concerned in Desperate and Unlawful +Enterprises which brought upon me many +Indictments in the King's Courts, or that I +was ever Pilloried, or held to Bail for contemptible<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[246]</a></span> +misdemeanours,—I do here declare +and affirm that for the whole of the +time I so pass over I earned my bread in a +perfectly Honest, Legal, and Honourable +Manner, and that I never once went out of +the limits of the United Kingdom. I have +heard, indeed, a Ridiculous Tale setting +forth that, finding myself Destitute in London +after the Chaplain, Mr Pinchin, and +I had parted company, and after escaping +from the Pressgang, I enlisted in +the Foot Guards. The preposterous Fable +goes on to say that quickly mastering my +Drill, and being a favourite with my officers, +whom I much pleased with my Alacrity and +Intelligence, although they were much given +to laugh at my assumptions of superior +Birth, and nicknamed me "Gentleman +Jack,"—I was promoted to the rank of +Corporal, and might have aspired to the +dignity of a Sergeant's Halbert, but that in +a Mad Frolic one night I betook myself to +the road as a Footpad, and robbed a Gentleman, +coming from the King's Arms, Kensington,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[247]</a></span> +towards the Weigh House at +Knightsbridge, of fourteen spade guineas, +a gold watch, and a bottle-screw. And +that being taken by the Hue and Cry, and +had before Justice de Veil then sitting at +the Sun Tavern in Bow Street, I should +have been committed to Newgate, tried, and +most likely have swung for the robbery, but +for the strong intercession of my Captain, +who was a friend of the Gentleman robbed. +That I was indeed enlarged, but was not +suffered to go scot-free, inasmuch as, being +tried by court-martial for absence without +leave on the night of the gentleman's misfortune, +I was sentenced to receive three +hundred lashes at the halberts. Infamous +and Absurd calumnies!</p> + +<p>Behold me, then, in the beginning of the +year 1747 in the Service of his Sacred +Majesty King George the Second. Behold +me, further, installed in no common Barrack, +mean Guard-house, or paltry Garrison Town, +but in one of the most famous of his Majesty's +Royal Fortresses:—a place that had been at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[248]</a></span> +once and for centuries (ever since the days of +Julius Cæsar, as I am told) a Palace, a +Citadel, and a Prison. In good sooth, I was +one of the King's Warders, and the place +where I was stationed was the Ancient and +Honourable Tower of London.</p> + +<p>Whether I had ever worn the King's uniform +before, either in scarlet as a Soldier in +his armies, or of blue and tarpaulin as a +Sailor in his Fleets, or of brown as a Riding +Officer in his customs,—under which guise a +man may often have doughty encounters +with smugglers that are trying to run their +contraband cargoes, or to hide their goods +in farmers' houses,—or of green, as a Keeper +in one of the Royal Chases,—I absolutely +refuse to say. Here I am, or rather here +I was, a Warder and in the Tower.</p> + +<p>I was bravely accoutred. A doublet of +crimson cloth, with the crown, the Royal +Cipher G. R., and a wreath of laurel embroidered +in gold, both on its back and +front; a linen ruff, well plaited, round my +neck, sleeves puffed with black velvet, trunk-hose<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[249]</a></span> +of scarlet, rosettes in my slashed shoes, +and a flat hat with a border of the red and +white roses of York and Lancaster in satin +ribbon,—these made up my costume. There +were forty of us in the Tower, mounting +guard with drawn swords at the portcullis +gate and at the entrances to the lodgings of +such as were in hold, and otherwise attending +upon unfortunate noblemen and gentlemen +who were in trouble. On state occasions, +when taking prisoners by water from the +Tower to Westminster, and in preceding +the Lieutenant to the outward port, we carried +Halberts or Partisans with tassels of +gold and crimson thread. But although +our dress was identical, as you may +see from the prints, with that of the Beef-Eaters, +we Tower Warders were of a very +different kidney to the lazy hangers-on about +St. James's. Those fellows were Anybodies, +Parasites of Back-Stairs favourites, and spies +and lacqueys, transformed serving-men, +butlers past drawing corks, grooms and +porters, even. They had nothing to do but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[250]</a></span> +loiter about the antechambers and staircases +of St. James's, to walk by the side of his +Majesty's coach when he went to the Houses +of Parliament, or to fight with the Marshalmen +at Royal Funerals for petty spoils of +wax-candles or shreds of black hangings. +The knaves actually wore wigs, and powdered +them, as though they had been so many +danglers on the Mall. They passed their +time, when not in requisition about the +Court, smoking and card-playing in the +taverns and mug-houses about Scotland +Yard and Spring Gardens. They had the +run of a few servant-wenches belonging to +great people, but we did not envy them +their sweethearts. Some of them, I verily +believe, were sunk so low as, when they were +not masquerading at court, to become tavern-drawers, +or ushers and cryers in the courts +of law about Westminster. A very mean +people were these Beef-eaters, and they toiled +not, neither did they spin, for the collops +they ate.</p> + +<p>But we brave boys of the Tower earned<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[251]</a></span> +both our Beef and our Bread, and the abundant +Beer and Strong Waters with which +we washed our victuals down. We were +military men, almost all. Some of us had +fought at Blenheim or Ramilies—these were +the veterans: the very juniors had made the +French Maison du Roy scamper, or else +crossed bayonets with the Irish Brigade (a +brave body of men, but deplorably criminal +in carrying arms against a Gracious and +Clement Prince) in some of those well-fought +German Fields, in which His Royal +Highness the Duke and my Lord George +Sackville (since Germaine, and my very good +friend and Patron) covered themselves with +immortal glory. Nay some of us, One of us +at least, had fought and bled, to the amazement +of his comrades and the admiration +of his commanders,—never mind where. +'Tis not the luck of every soldier to have +had his hand wrung by the Great Duke of +Cumberland, or to have been presented with +ten guineas to drink his health withal by +Field-Marshal Wade. We would have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[252]</a></span> +thought it vile poltroonery and macaronism +to have worn wigs—to say nothing of powder—unless, +indeed, the peruke was a true Malplaquet +club or Dettingen scratch.</p> + +<p>Our duties were no trifling ones, let me +assure you. The Tower, as a place of +military strength, was well looked after by +the Regiment of Foot Guards and the +Companies of Artillery that did garrison +duties on its ramparts and the foot of its +drawbridges; but to us was confided a +charge much more onerous, and the custody +of things much more precious. We had +other matters to mind besides seeing that +stray dogs did not venture on to the Tower +Green, that dust did not get into the cannon's +mouths, or that Grand Rounds received +proper salutes. Was not the Imperial +Crown of England in our keeping? Had +we not to look after the Royal diadem, the +orb, the sceptre, the Swords of Justice and +of Mercy, and the great parcel-gilt Salt +Cellar that is moulded in the likeness of +the White Tower itself? Did it not behove<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[253]</a></span> +us to keep up a constant care and watchfulness, +lest among the curious strangers +and country cousins who trudged to the +Jewel House to see all that glittering and +golden finery, and who gave us shillings to +exhibit them, there might be lurking some +Rogue as dishonest and as desperate as that +Colonel Blood who so nearly succeeded in +getting away with the crown and other +valuables in King Charles the Second's +time. Oh! I warrant you that we kept +sharp eyes on the curious strangers and the +country cousins, and allowed them not to +go too near the grate behind which were +those priceless baubles.</p> + +<p>But another charge had we, I trow. Of +all times had this famous fortress of the +Tower of London been a place of hold for +the King's prisoners. Felons, nor cutpurses, +nor wantons suffered we indeed in our precincts, +nor gave we the hospitality of dungeons +to; but of state prisoners, noblemen +and gentlemen in durance for High Treason, +or for other offences against the Royal State<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[254]</a></span> +and Prerogative, had we always a plentiful +store. Some of the greatest Barons—the +proudest names in England—have pined +their lives away within the Tower's inexorable +walls. Walls! why there were little +dungeons and casemates built in the very +thickness of those huge mural stones. In +ancient days I have heard that foul deeds +were common in the fortress—that princes +were done to Death here—notably the two +poor Royal infants that the wicked Richard +of Gloucester bid his hell-hounds smother +and bury at the foot of the stairs in that +building which has ever since gone by the +name of the Bloody Tower. So, too, I am +afraid it is a true bill that Torture was +in the bad old days indiscriminately used +towards both gentle and simple in some +gloomy underground places in this said +Tower. I have heard of a Sworn Tormentor +and his assistants, whose fiendish +task it was to torture poor creatures' souls +out of their miserable bodies, and of a +Chirurgeon who had to watch lest the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[255]</a></span> +agonies used upon 'em should be too much +for human endurance, and so, putting 'em +out of their misery, rob the headsman of +his due, the scaffold of its prey, and the vile +mobile that congregate at public executions +of their raree show. Of "Scavenger's +Daughters," Backs, Thumbscrews, iron +boots, and wedges, and other horrible +engines of pain, I have heard many dismal +tales told; but all had long fallen into +disuse before my time. The last persons +tortured within the Tower walls were, I +believe, Colonel Faux (Guido) and his confederates, +for their most abominable Gunpowder +Plot, which was to put an end to +the Protestant Religion and the illustrious +House of Stuart at one fell blow; but happily +came to nothing, through the prudence +of my Lord Monteagle, and the well-nigh +superhuman sagacity of his Majesty King +James the First. Guy and his accomplices +they tortured horribly; and did not even +give 'em the honour of being beheaded on +Tower Hall,—they being sent away as common<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[256]</a></span> +traitors to Old Palace Yard (close to +the scene of their desperately meditated +but fortunately abortive crime), and there +half-hanged, cut down while yet warm, +disembowelled, their Hearts and Inwards +taken out and burnt by Gregory (that was +hangman then, and that, as Gregory Brandon, +had a coat-of-arms given him as a +gentleman, through a fraud practised upon +Garter King), and their mangled bodies—their +heads severed—cut into quarters, well +coated with pitch, and stuck upon spikes +over London Bridge, east Portcullis, Ludgate, +Temple Bar, and other places of public +resort, according to the then bloody-minded +custom, and the statute in that case made +and provided. But after Colonel Guido +Faux, Back, Thumbscrews, boots, and +wedges, and Scavenger's daughters fell into +a decline, from which, thank God, they +have never, in this fair realm of England, +recovered. I question even if the Jesuit +Garnett and his fellows, albeit most barbarously +executed, were tortured in prison;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[257]</a></span> +but it is certain that when Felton killed +the Duke of Bucks at Portsmouth, and was +taken red-handed, the Courtiers, Parasites, +and other cruel persons that were about +the King, would fain have had him racked; +but the public,—which by this time had +begun to inquire pretty sharply about +Things of State,—cried out that Felton +should not be tormented (their not loving +the Duke of Bucks too much may have +been one reason for their wishing some +degree of leniency to be shown to the +assassin), and the opinion of the Judges +being taken, those learned Persons, in full +court of King's Bench assembled, decided +that Torture was contrary to the Law of +England, and could not legally be used +upon any of the King's subjects howsoever +guilty he might have been.</p> + +<p>But I confess that when I first took up +service as a Tower Warder, and gazed upon +those horrible implements of Man's cruelty +and hard-heartedness collected in the Armoury, +I imagined with dismay that, all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[258]</a></span> +rusty as they had grown, there might be +occasions for them to be used upon the +persons of unfortunate captives. For I +had lived much abroad, and knew what +devilish freaks were often indulged in by +arbitrary and unrestrained power. But my +comrades soon put my mind at ease, and +pointed out to me that few, very few, of +these instruments of Anguish were of English +use or origin at all; but that the great +majority of these wicked things were from +among the spoils of the Great Armada, +when the proud Spaniards, designing to +invade this free and happy country with +their monstrous Flotilla of Caravels and +Galleons, provided numerous tools of Torture +for despitefully using the Heretics (as +they called them) who would not obey the +unrighteous mandates of a foreign despot, +or submit to the domination (usurped) of +the Bishop of Rome. And so tender indeed +of the bodies of the King's prisoners +had the Tower authorities become, that the +underground dungeons were now never<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[259]</a></span> +used, commodious apartments being provided +for the noblemen and gentlemen in +hold: and a pretty penny they had to pay +for their accommodation; five guineas a +day, besides warder and gentlemen gaolers' +fees, being the ordinary charge for a nobleman, +and half that sum for a knight and +private esquire. Besides this, the Lieutenant +of the Tower had a gratuity of +thirty pounds from every peer that came +into his custody, and twenty pounds for +every gentleman writing himself <i>Armiger</i>, +and in default could seize upon their cloaks: +whence arose a merry saying—"best go to +the Tower like a peeled carrot than come +forth like one."</p> + +<p>There were even no chains used in this +state prison; of fetters and manacles we +had indeed a plenitude, all of an antique +pattern and covered with rust; but no irons +such as are put upon their prisoners by +vulgar gaolers in Newgate and elsewhere. +I have heard say, that when poor Counsellor +Layer, that was afterwards hanged, drawn,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[260]</a></span> +and quartered as a Jacobite, and his head +stuck atop of Temple Bar hard by his own +chambers,—was first brought for safer custody +to the Tower, breakings out of Newgate +having been common, the Government +sent down word that, as a deep-dyed conspirator +and desperate rebel, he was to be +double-ironed. Upon this Mr. Lieutenant +flies into a mighty heat, and taking boat to +Whitehall, waits on Mr. Secretary at the +Cockpit, and tells him plainly that such an indignity +towards his Majesty's prisoners in the +Tower was never heard of, that no such base +modes of coercion as chains or bilboes had +ever been known in use since the reign of +King Charles I., and that the King's +warders were there to see that the prisoners +did not attempt Evasion. To which Mr. +Secretary answered, with a grim smile, that +notwithstanding all the keenness of the +watch and ward, he had often heard of prisoners +escaping from durance in the Tower, +notably mentioning the case of my Lord +Nithesdale, who escaped in his lady's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[261]</a></span> +clothes, and without more ado informed the +Lieutenant that Counsellor Layer must be +chained as directed, even if the chains had +to be forged expressly for him. Upon which +Mr. Lieutenant took a very surly leave of +the Great Man, cursing him as he comes +down the steps for a Thief-catcher and +Tyburn purveyor, and sped him to Newgate, +where he borrowed a set of double-irons +from the Peachum or Lockit, or whatever +the fellow's name it was that kept that Den +of Thieves. And even then, when they had +gotten the chains to the Tower, none of the +warders knew how to put them on, or cared +to sully their fingers with such hangman's +work; and so they were fain to have a blacksmith +with his anvil, and a couple of turnkeys +down from Newgate, to rivet the chains +upon the poor gentleman's limbs; he being +at the time half dead of a Strangury; but +so cruel was justice in those days.</p> + +<p>When I first came to the Tower, we had +but few prisoners; for it was before the +Great Rebellion of the 'Forty-five; and <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'fo'">for</ins><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[262]</a></span> +a few years previous the times had been +after a manner quiet. Now and then some +notorious Jacobite, Seminarist, or seditious +person was taken up; but he was rarely of +sufficient importance to be confined in our +illustrious Prison; and was either had to Newgate, +or else incarcerated in the lodgings of +a King's Messenger till his examinations +were over, and he was either committed or +Enlarged. These Messengers kept, in those +days, a kind of Sponging Houses for High +Treason, where Gentlemen Traitors who +were not in very great peril lived, as it were, +at an ordinary, and paid much dearer for +their meat and lodging than though they +had been at some bailiffs lock-up in Cursitor +Street, or Tooke's Court, or at the Pied Bull +in the Borough. We had, it is true, for a +long time a Romanist Bishop that was suspected +of being in correspondence with St. +Germain's, and lay for a long time under +detention. He was a merry old soul, and +most learned man; would dine very gaily +with Mr. Lieutenant, or his deputy, or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[263]</a></span> +the Fort Major, swig his bottle of claret, +and play a game of tric-trac afterwards; +and it was something laughable to watch +the quiet cunning way in which he would +seek to Convert us Warders who had the +guarding of him to the Romanist faith. +They let him out at last upon something +they called a <i>Nolle prosequi</i> of the Attorney-General, +or some suchlike dignitary of the +law—which <i>nolle prosequi</i> I take to be a +kind of <i>habeas corpus</i> for gentlefolks. He +was as liberal to us when he departed as his +means would allow; for I believe that save +his cassock, his breviary, a gold cross round +his neck, and episcopal ring, and a portmantel +full of linen, the old gentleman had +neither goods nor chattels in the wide world: +indeed, we heard that the Lieutenant lent +him, on leaving, a score of gold pieces, for +friendship-sake, to distribute among us. But +he went away—to foreign parts, I infer—with +flying colours; for every body loved +the old Bishop, all Romanist and suspected +Jacobite as he was.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[264]</a></span></p> + +<p>Then came that dreadful era of rebellion +of which I have spoken, and we Tower +Warders found that our holiday time was +over. Whilst the war still raged in Scotland, +scarcely a day passed without some +person of consequence being brought either +by water to Traitor's Gate, or by a strong +escort of Horse and Foot to the Tower +Postern; not for active participation in the +Rebellion, but as a measure of safety, and to +prevent worse harm being done. And many +persons of consequence, trust me, saved their +heads by being laid by the heels for a +little time while the hue and cry was afoot, +and Habeas Corpus suspended. Fast bind, +safe find, is a true proverb; and you may +thank your stars, even if your enemies have for +a time bound you with chains and with links +of iron, if, when the stormy season has gone +past, you find your head still safe on your +shoulders. Now it was a great Lord who +was brought to the Tower, and from whom +Mr. Lieutenant did not forget to claim his +thirty-pound fee on entrance; for "here to-day,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[265]</a></span> +gone to-morrow," he reasoned, and so +shot his game as soon as he had good parview +of the same. Now it was some Cheshire +or Lancashire Squire, snatched away from +his Inn, at the Hercules' Pillars, or the +Catherine Wheel in the Borough, as being +vehemently suspected of Jacobitism. These +gentlemen mostly took their captivity in a +very cheerful and philosophical manner. +They would call for a round of spiced beef, +a tankard of ale, and a pipe of tobacco, so +soon as ever they were fairly bestowed in +their lodgings; drank to the King—taking +care not to let us know whether his name +began with a G or a J, with many jovial +ha-has, and were as happy as the day was +long, so it seemed to us, if they had but a +pack of cards and a volume of the Gentleman's +Recreation, or Academy of Field +Sports. What bowls of punch, too, they +would imbibe o' nights, and what mad +carouses they would have! Such roaring +Squires as these would have been much +better bestowed in the Messengers' Houses;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[266]</a></span> +but these were all full, likewise the common +gaols; nay, the debtors' prisons and vile +sponging-houses were taken up by Government +for the temporary incarceration of +suspected persons.</p> + +<p>How well do I remember the dreadful +amazement and consternation which broke +over this city when the news came that the +Prince—I mean the Pretender—had utterly +routed the King's troops commanded by Sir +John Cope at Prestonpans; that the Misguided +Young Man had entered Edinborough +at the head of a furious mob of +Highlandmen, whose preposterous style of +dress I never could abide, and who in +those days we Southrons held as being +very little better than painted Savages; +that the ladies of the Scottish capital had +all mounted the white cockade, and were +embroidering scarves for the Pretender and +his officers, and that the Castle of Edinborough +alone held out 'gainst this monstrous +uprising to destroy authority! But +how much greater was the Dismay in London<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[267]</a></span> +when we learnt that the Rebels, not satisfied +with their conquests in his Majesty's Scottish +Dominions, had been so venturous as +to invade England itself, and had actually +advanced so far as the trading town of +Derby! Then did those who had been long, +albeit obscurely, suspected of Jacobitism, +come forth from their lurking holes and +corners, and almost openly avow their preference +for the House of Stuart. Then did +very many respectable persons, formerly +thought to be excellently well affected towards +King George's person and Government, +become waverers, or prove themselves +the Turncoats they had always, in secret, +been, and seditiously prophesy that the days +of the Hanoverian dynasty were numbered. +Then did spies and traitors abound, together +with numbers of alarming rumours, that the +Chevalier had advanced as far as Barnet on +the Great North Road; that his Majesty +was about to convey himself away to +Hanover; that the Duke of Cumberland +was dead; that barrels of gunpowder had +been discovered in the Crypt beneath Guildhall,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[268]</a></span> +and in the vaults of the Chapel Royal; +that mutiny was rife among the troops; +that the Bank of England was about to +break, with sundry other distracting reports +and noises.</p> + +<p>Of course authority did all it could to reassure +the public mind, tossed in a most +tempestuous manner as it was by conflicting +accounts. Authority bestirred itself to put +down seditious meetings by proclamation, +and to interdict residence in the capital to +all known Papists; whereby several most +estimable Catholic gentlemen (as many there +be of that old Faith) were forced to leave +their Town Houses, and betake themselves +to mean and inconvenient dwellings in the +country. The gates of Temple Bar were +now shut, on sudden alarms, two or three +times a week; as though the closing of +these rotten portals could in any way +impede the progress of rebellion, or +do any thing more than further to +hamper the already choked-up progress +of the streets. The Lord Mayor was +mighty busy calling out the Train-bands,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[269]</a></span> +and having them drilled in Moorfields, for +the defence of the City; and a mighty fine +show those citizen soldiers would have +made no doubt to the bare-legged Highlandmen, +had they come that way. The +Guards at all the posts at the Court end of +the town were doubled, and we at the +Tower put ourselves into a perfect state of +defence. Cannon were run out; matches +kept lighted; whole battalions maintained +under arms; munitions and provisions of +war laid in, as though to withstand a regular +siege; drawbridges pulled up and portcullises +lowered, with great clanking of +chains and gnashing of old iron teeth;—and +rich sport it was to see those old rust-eaten +engines once more brought into gear +again.</p> + +<p>But, as the Wise Man saith that a soft +answer turneth away wrath, so do we often +find that a merry word spoken in season +will do more than all your Flaming Ordinances, +and Terrific Denunciations of Fire +and Sword. And although at this time +(beginning of the year 1746) authority very<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[270]</a></span> +properly exerted itself to procure obedience +to the constitution, by instilling Awe into +men's minds, and did breathe nothing in its +official documents but heading, hanging, +and quartering, with threats of bombardments, +free quarters, drum-head courts-martial, +chains, gags, fines, imprisonment, and +sequestration,—yet I question whether so +much good was done by these towards the +stability of the cause of the Protestant +Religion and King George, or so much +harm to that of the Pretender, Popery, +brass money, and wooden shoes, as by +a little series of Pamphlets put forth +by the witty Mr. Henry Fielding, a writer +of plays and novels then much in +vogue; but a sad loose fish, although he +afterwards, as I am told, did good service to +the State as one of the justices of peace for +Middlesex, and helped to put down many +notorious gangs of murderers, highwaymen, +and footpads infesting the metropolis. This +Mr. Fielding—whom his intimates used to +call Harry, and whom I have often seen +lounging in the Temple Gardens, or about<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[271]</a></span> +the gaming-houses in St. James's Street, and +whom I have often met, I grieve to say, in +the very worst of company under the Piazzas +in Covent Garden much overtaken in liquor, +and his fine Lace clothes and curled periwig +all besmirched and bewrayed after a carouse—took +up the Hanoverian cause very hotly,—having +perhaps weighty reasons for so +doing—and, making the very best use of his +natural gifts and natural weapons, namely, +a very strong and caustic humour, with most +keen and trenchant satire, did infinite harm +to the Pretender's side by laughing at him +and his adherents. He published, probably +at the charges of authority,—for he was a +needy gentleman, always in love, in liquor, +or in debt,—a paper called the <i>True Patriot</i>, +in which the Jacobites were most mercilessly +treated. Notably do I recall a sort of sham +diary or almanack, purporting to be written +by an honest tradesman of the City during +the predicted triumph of the Pretender, +and in which such occurrences were noted +down as London being at the mercy of +Highlanders and Friars; Walbrook church<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[272]</a></span> +and many others being razed to the ground; +Father O'Blaze, a Dominican, exulting over +it; Queen Anne's statue at Paul's taken +away, and a large Crucifix erected in its +place; the Bank, South-Sea, India Houses, +&c. converted into convents; Father Macdagger, +the Royal confessor, preaching at +St. James's; three Anabaptists hung at +Tyburn, attended by their ordinary, Mr. +Machenly (a grotesque name for the ranting +fellow who was wont to be known as Orator +Henley); Father Poignardini, an Italian +Jesuit, made Privy-Seal; four Heretics +burnt in Smithfield; the French Ambassador +made a Duke, with precedence; Cape +Breton given back to the French, with Gibraltar +and Port Mahon to the Spaniards; +the Pope's nuncio entering London, and the +Lord Mayor and Aldermen kissing his feet; +an office opened in Drury Lane for the sale +of papistical Pardons and Indulgences; +with the like prophecies calculated to arouse +the bigotry of the lower and middle orders, +and to lash them into a religious as well +as a political frenzy. For a cry of "No<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[273]</a></span> +Popery" has ever acted upon a true-born +Englishman as a red rag does on a bull. +Perhaps the thing that went best down of +all Mr. Fielding's drolleries, and tickled the +taste of the town most amazingly, was the +passage where he made his honest London +tradesman enter in his diary to this effect: +"My little boy Jacky taken ill of the itch. +He had been on the parade with his godfather +the day before to see the Life Guards, +and had just touched one of their plaids." +One of the King's Ministers said long afterwards +that this passage touching the itch +was worth two regiments of horse to the +cause of Government. At this distance of +time one doesn't see much wit in a scurrilous +lampoon, of which the gist was to +taunt one's neighbours with being afflicted +with a disease of the skin: and, indeed, the +lower ranks of English were, in those days, +anything but free from similar ailments, and, +in London at least, were in their persons and +manners inconceivably filthy. But 'tis +astonishing what a mark you can make with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[274]</a></span> +a coarse jest, if you only go far enough, and +forswear justice and decency.</p> + +<p>Strange but true is it to remark that, in +the midst of all such tremendous convulsions +as wars, battles, sieges, rebellions, and other +martial conflagrations, men and women and +children do eat and drink, and love and +marry, and beget other babes of humanity, +and at last Die and turn to dust, precisely as +though the world—or rather the concerns of +that gross Orb—were all going on in their +ordinary jog-trot manner. Although from +day to day we people in London knew not +whether before the sun set the dreaded +pibroch of the Highland Clans might not +be heard at Charing Cross, and the barbarian +rout of Caterans that formed the Prince,—I +mean the Chevalier,—I mean the Pretender's +Army, scattered all about the City, plundering +our Chattels, and ravaging our fair English +homes; although, for aught men knew, +another month, nay another week, might see +King George the Second toppled from his +Throne, and King James the Third installed, +with his Royal Highness Charles Edward<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[275]</a></span> +Prince of Wales as Regent; although it was +but a toss-up whether the Archbishop of +Canterbury should not be ousted from Lambeth +by a Popish Prelate, and the whole +country reduced to Slavery and Bankruptcy;—yet +to those who lived quiet lives, and +kept civil tongues in their heads, all things +went on pretty much as usual: and each day +had its evil, and sufficient for the day was +the evil thereof. That the Highlandmen +were at Derby did not prevent the Hostess +of the Stone Kitchen—that famous Tavern +in the Tower—from bringing in one's +reckoning and insisting on payment. That +there was consternation at St. James's, with +the King meditating flight and the Royal +Family in tears and swooning, did not save +the little schoolboy a whipping if he knew +not his lesson at morning call. It will be +so, I suppose, until the end of the world. +We must needs eat and drink, and feel heat +and cold, and marry or be given in marriage, +whatsoever party prevail, and whatsoever +King carries crown and sceptre; and however +dreadful the crisis, we must have our<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[276]</a></span> +Dinners, and fleas will bite us, and corns +pinch our Feet. So while all the Public +were talking about the Rebellion, all the +world went nevertheless to the Playhouses, +where they played loyal Pieces and sang +"God save great George our King" every +night; as also to Balls, Ridottos, Clubs, +Masquerades, Drums, Routs, Concerts, and +Pharaoh parties. They read Novels and +flirted their fans, and powdered and patched +themselves, and distended their coats with +hoops, just as though there were no such +persons in the world as the Duke of Cumberland +and Charles Edward Stuart. And +in like manner we Warders in the Tower, +though ready for any martial emergency that +might turn up, were by no means unnecessarily +afeard or distraught with anxiety; but +ate and drank our fill, joked the pretty girls +who came to see the shows in the Tower, +and trailed our halberts in our usual jovial +devil-me-care manner, as true Cavaliers, +Warders in the service of his Majesty the +King, should do.</p> + +<p>By and by came the news of Stirling and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[277]</a></span> +Falkirk, after the disastrous retreat of the +Highlandmen back into England. And +then happened that short but tremendous +fight of Drummossie Moor, commonly called +the Battle of Culloden, where claymores and +Lochaber axes clashed and glinted for the +last time against English broadswords and +bayonets. After this was what was called +the pacification of the Highlands, meaning +that the Duke and his dragoons devastated +all before them with fire and sword; and +then "retributive justice" had its turn, and +the work of the Tower Warders began in +earnest.</p> + +<p>Poor creatures! theirs was a hard fate. +At Carlisle, at Manchester, at Tyburn, and +at Kennington Common, London, how many +unhappy persons suffered death in its most +frightful form, to say nothing of the unspeakable +ignominy of being dragged on a +hurdle to the place of execution, and mangled +in the most horrible manner by the Hangman's +butcherly knife, merely because they +held that King James, and not King George, +was the rightful sovereign of these realms!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[278]</a></span> +Is there in all History—at least insomuch as +it touches our sentiments and feelings—a +more lamentable and pathetic narration than +the story of Jemmy Dawson? This young +man, Mr. James Dawson by name,—for by +the endearing aggravative of Jemmy he is +only known in Mr. William Shenstone's +charming ballad (the gentleman that lived +at the Leasowes, and writ the Schoolmistress, +among other pleasing pieces, and spent so +much money upon Ornamental Gardening),—this +Mr. James Dawson, I say, was the +son of highly reputable parents, dwelling, +by some, 'tis said, in the county of Lancashire, +by others, in the county of Middlesex. +At all events, his father was a Gentleman of +good estate, who strove hard to bring up his +son in the ways of piety and virtue. But +the youth was wild and froward, and would +not listen to the sage Counsels that were +continually given him. After the ordinary +grammar-school education, during which +course he much angered his teachers,—less +by his reckless and disobedient conduct than +by his perverse flinging away of his opportunities,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[279]</a></span> +and manifest ignoring of the parts +with which he had been gifted by Heaven,—he +was sent to the University of Oxford to +complete the curriculum of studies necessary +to make him a complete gentleman. And +I have heard, indeed, that he was singularly +endowed with the properties requisite for +the making of that very rare animal:—that +he was quick, ready, generous, warm-hearted, +skilful, and accomplished,—that he rode, +and drove, and shot, and fenced, and swam, +and fished in that marvellously finished +manner only possible to those who seem to +have been destined by a capricious Fate to +do so well that which they have never +learned to do. And at college, who but +Jemmy Dawson—who but he? For a +wicked prank, or a mad carouse; for a +trick to be played on a proctor, or a kiss +to be taken by stealth,—who such a Master +of Arts as our young Undergraduate? But +at his lectures and chapels and repetitions he +was (although always with a vast natural +capacity) an inveterate Idler; and he did +besides so continually violate and outrage<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[280]</a></span> +the college rules and discipline, that his +Superiors, after repeated admonitions, gatings, +impositions, and rustications (which +are a kind of temporary banishment), were +at last fain solemnly to expel him from the +University. Upon which his father discarded +him from his house, vowing that he +would leave his broad acres (which were not +entailed) to his Nephew, and bidding him +go to the Devil; whither he accordingly +proceeded, but by a very leisurely and circuitous +route. But the young Rogue had +already made a more perilous journey than +this, for he had fallen in Love with a young +Madam of exceeding Beauty, and of large +Fortune in her own right, the daughter of +a neighbouring Baronet. And she, to her +sorrow, poor soul, became as desperately +enamoured of this young Scapegrace, and +would have run away with him, I have no +doubt, had he asked her, but for a spark of +honour which still remained in that reckless +Heart, and forbade his linking the young +girl, all good and pure as she was, to so +desperate a life as his. And so he went<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[281]</a></span> +wandering for a time up and down the +country, swaggering with his boon companions, +and pawning his Father's credit in +whatsoever inns and pothouses he came +unto, until, in the beginning of that fatal +year '46, he must needs find himself at +Manchester without a Shilling in his pocket, +or the means of raising one. It was then +the time that the town of Manchester had +been captured, in the Pretender's interest, +by a Scots Sergeant and a Wench; and +the notorious Colonel Towneley was about +raising the Manchester Regiment of Lancashire +Lads to fight for Prince Charlie. +Desperate Jemmy Dawson enlisted under +Towneley; and soon, being a young fellow +of good figure and shining talents, was made +a Captain. But the ill-fated Manchester +Regiment was ere long broken up; and +Jemmy Dawson, with Colonel Towneley +himself, and many other of the officers, +were captured. They were all tried at the +Assizes held after the Assizes at St. Margaret's +Hill, Southwark; and James Dawson, +being convicted of high treason, was sentenced<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[282]</a></span> +to the usual horrible punishment for +that offence. He was drawn on a hurdle to +Kennington Common; he was hanged, disembowelled, +and quartered; but the young +Madam of whom I have spoken was true +to him unto the last. For many days +following the sentence she vainly solicited +his pardon; but finding all useless, she on +the fatal morning (having trimmed a shroud +for him overnight, in which, poor Soul, his +mangled remains were not to rest) followed +him in a Mourning Coach to Kennington +Common. She saw the Dreadful Tragedy +played out to its very last Act; and then +she just turned on her Side in the Coach, +and with a soft Murmur, breathing Jemmy's +Name, she Died. Surely a story so piteous +as this needs no comment. And by Heaven +it is True!</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[283]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER THE NINTH.</h2> + +<h3>REBELLION IS MADE AN END OF, AND AFTER SOME +FURTHER SERVICE WITH HIS MAJESTY I GO INTO +BUSINESS ON MY OWN ACCOUNT.</h3> + + +<div class='unindent'><span class="smcap">Memorandum.</span>—About a year before the +Rebellion, as the Earl of Kilmarnock was +one day walking in his Garden, he was +suddenly alarmed with a fearful Shriek, +which, while he was reflecting on with +Astonishment, was soon after repeated. On +this he went into the House, and inquired +of his Lady and all the Servants, but could +not discover from whom or whence the Cry +proceeded; but missing his Lady's Woman, +he was informed that she was gone into +an Upper Room to inspect some Linen. +Whereupon the Earl and his Lady went +up and opened the Door, which was only<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[284]</a></span> +latched. But no sooner did the Gentlewoman +within set eyes on his Lordship's +face than she fainted away. When, proper +aid being given to her, she was brought to +herself, they asked her the meaning of what +they had heard and seen. She replied, that +while she sat sewing some Linen she had +taken up to mend, the Door opened of itself, +and a <i>Bloody Head</i> entered the Room, and +rolled upon the Floor; that this dreadful +Sight had made her cry out, and then the +Bloody Head disappeared; that in a few +Moments she saw the same frightful Apparition +again, on which she repeated her +Shrieks; and at the third time she fainted +away, but was just recovered when she saw +his Lordship coming in, which had made +the Impression on her they had been witness +of.</div> + +<p>This Relation given by the affrighted +Gentlewoman was only laughed at and +ridiculed as the Effect of Spleen-Vapours, +or the Frenzy of a deluded Imagination, +and was thought no more of, till one Night, +when the Earl of Kilmarnock, sitting round<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[285]</a></span> +a Bowl by the Winter Fire with my Lord +Galloway,—and it is at such a Time that +men are most prone to fall-to telling of +Ghost Stories,—and their Lordships' conversation +turning on Spectres and Apparitions, +the vulgar notions of which they +were deriding, the terrible tale of the +Bloody Head was brought up, and then +dismissed as the idle fancy of a Hoity-toity +Tirewoman. But after Kilmarnock had +engaged in the Rebellion, and Lord Galloway +was told of it, he instantly recollected +this Story, and said, "I will wager a dozen +Magnums of Claret, and my best Silver-laced +Justaucorps, that my Lord Kilmarnock +will lose his Head."</p> + +<p>Nobody took his bet, not daring thus to +trifle with the lives of the Quality; but +that Scots Lord lost his Head, notwithstanding; +and I saw it cut off on Tower +Hill in the latter summer of the year '46.</p> + +<p>This story of the Bloody Head was +common Talk among us Warders at the +time,—who were full as superstitious as +other Folks, you may be sure. Many such<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[286]</a></span> +Legends are there, too, current of Persons +who were to die Violent Deaths at the +hands of the Public Executioner, being +forewarned many years before of their +Impending Fate. And sometimes hath +the Monition come nearer to the Catastrophe, +as in the case of K. C. the 1<sup>st</sup>, +who, entering Westminster Hall at that +Unnatural Assize presided over by Bradshaw, +the Gold Head fell off his Walking-Staff, +and rolled on the Pavement of the +Hall among the Soldiers; nor, when it was +restored to him, could any Efforts of his +make it remain on. Also it is said of +my Lord Derwentwater, that the last +time he went a hunting in the north, before +he joined the Old Chevalier of St. +George, his whippers-in unearthed a litter +of Fox-cubs, every one of which Vermin +had been born without Heads. And as +well authenticated is it, that when my +Lord Balmerino (that suffered on Tower +Hill with the Earl of Kilmarnock) was +coming back condemned to Death from<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[287]</a></span> +his Trial before his Peers at Westminster, +his Lordship being of a merry, Epicurean +temper, and caring no more for Death than +a Sailor does for a wet Shirt, stopped the +coach at a Fruiterer's at Charing Cross, +where he must needs ask Mr. Lieutenant's +Attendant to buy him some Honey-Blobbs, +which is the Scottish name for ripe Gooseberries.</p> + +<p>"And King Geordie maun pay for the +bit fruitie; for King James's auld soldier +has nae siller of his ain save twa guineas +for Jock Headsman," quoth he in his jocular +manner, meaning that those about him +must pay for the Gooseberries; for indeed +this Lord was very poor, and I have heard +was, when in town, so much driven as to +borrow money from the man who keeps +the Tennis-court in James Street, Haymarket.</p> + +<p>Well, it so happened that the Season +was a backward one; and the Fruiterer +sends his duty out to his Lordship, saying +that he has no ripe Gooseberries, but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[288]</a></span> +that of green ones he has a store, to +which that unfortunate Nobleman is heartily +welcome.</p> + +<p>"I'll e'en try one," says my Lord; and +from a Punnet they brought him he picks +a Green Gooseberry; when, wonderful to +relate, it swells in his hand to the bigness +at least of an egg-plum, and turns the +colour of Blood. "The de'il's in the +Honey-Blobb," cries my Lord in a tiff, +and flings it out of window, where it +made a great red stain on the pavement.</p> + +<p>And this the Warder who stood by, and +the Messenger who was in the coach itself, +told me.</p> + +<p>Less need is there to speak of such strange +adventures as my Lady Nithisdale's child +(that was born soon after her Lord's escape +from the Tower, in which, with such a noble +valour and self-sacrifice, she aided him) being +brought into the World with a broad Axe +figured, as though by a Limner, on its Neck; +or of the Countess of Cromartie's infant (she +likewise Lay-in while the Earl was under<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[289]</a></span> +sentence) having a thin red line or thread +right round its neck. These things are +perhaps to be accounted more as Phenomena +of nature than as ominous prognostications, +and I so dismiss 'em. But it is worth while +to note that, for all the good authority we +have of Lord Kilmarnock's Waiting-woman +being affrighted by the vision of a Bloody +Head, the story itself, or at least something +germane to it, is as old as the Hills. During +my travels in Sweden, I was told of a very +strange mischance that had happened to one +of their Kings who was named Charles;—but +Charles the what, I do confess I know +not;—who walking one evening in his +garden, saw all at once a Wing of the Palace, +that had been shut up and deserted for +Twenty years, all blazing with Light from +the Windows, as for some great Festival. +And his Majesty, half suspecting this might +be some Masquerading prank on the part of +the Court Ladies, and half afraid that there +was mischief in it, drew his Sword, and +calling upon a brace of his Gentlemen to +follow him, stave in a door and came into a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[290]</a></span> +Great Old Hall, that was the principal apartment +in the said Wing. And at the upper +End, where the ancient Throne of his +ancestors was long since gone to Rags and +Tatters, and abandoned to Dust and Cobwebs, +he saw, sitting on the chair of Estate, +and crowned, a little child that was then but +a boy—the Duke of Sudermania. And lo! +as he gazed upon him a Dreadful Ball, that +seemed fashioned in the similitude of his +own Head, showed itself under the Throne, +rolled down the steps, and so came on to his +very Feet, where it stopped, splashing his +Boots unto the very ankle with Gore. The +tale of the Bloody Boots, as 'tis called, is +still quite familiar to every Nurse in +Sweden; but I never heard how it ended, +or whether King Charles had his Head cut +off in the Long-run; but every Swede will +swear to the Story; and as for the Boots, I +have heard that they are to be seen, with +the dark brown stains of the Blood still upon +'em, in a glass case at the House of one Mr. +Herdström, who sells Aqua Vitæ over the Milliner's +in the Bogbindersgade at Stockholm.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[291]</a></span></p> + +<p>'Twas in the summer of 1747 that I put +off my Warder's dress for good and all, the +Rebellion being by this time quite Dead +and crushed out; but before I laid down my +halbert 'twas my duty to assist at the +crowning consummation of that disastrous +Tragedy. One of the Prime Traitors in the +Scottish Risings had been, it is well known, +the notorious Simon Fraser, Lord Lovat, of +Castle Downie, in Scotland, then come to be +Eighty years old, and as atrocious an old +Villain as ever lived, but so cunning that he +cheated the Gallows for three quarters of a +century, and died like a Gentleman, by the +Axe, at last. He had been mixed up in +every plot for the bringing back of King +James ever since the Old Chevalier's Father +gave up the Ghost at St. Germain's, yet had +somehow managed to escape scot-free from +Attainder and Confiscation. Even in the +'45, when he sent the Clan Fraser to join +the Young Chevalier, he tried his best to +make his poor Son, the Master of Lovat (a +very virtuous and gallant young Gentleman), +the scapegoat for his misdeeds, playing Fast<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[292]</a></span> +and Loose between France and the Jacobites +on one side, and the Lord Justice Clerk and +the King's Government on the other. But +Justice had him on the hip at last, and the +old Fox was caught. They brought him to +London by Easy Stages, as he was, or pretended +to be, mighty Infirm; and while he +was resting at an Inn at St. Alban's, Mr. +Hogarth the Painter (whom I have seen +many a time smoking a pipe and making +Caricatures of the Company at the Tavern +he used—the Bedford Head, Maiden Lane, +Covent Garden: a skilful Draughtsman, +this Mr. Hogarth, but very Uppish and +Impudent in his Tone; for I remember that +he once called me Captain Compound, +seeing, as the fellow said, that I was made +up of three—Captain Bobadil, Captain +Macheath, and Captain Kyd),—this Mr. H. +went down to St. Alban's, and took a picture +of the old Lord, as he sat in his great chair, +counting the strength of the Scottish clans +on his fingers. 'Twas afterwards graved on +copper, and had a prodigious sale.</p> + +<p>Monday, March 9th, began this Lord's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[293]</a></span> +Trial, very Grand and Stately, which took +place in Westminster Hall, fitted up anew +for the occasion, with the Throne, and chairs +for the Prince and the Duke, brave in +Velvet and Gold, Scarlet benches for the +Peers, galleries for Ladies and Foreign Ambassadors, +boxes for the Lawyers and the +Managers of the House of Commons that +preferred the Impeachment, and a great +railed platform, that was half like a Scaffold +itself, for the Prisoner. So we Warders, +and a Strong Guard of Horse Grenadiers +and Foot-Soldiers, brought him down from +the Tower to Westminster, Mr. Fowler, the +Gentleman Gaoler, attending with the Axe; +but the Edge thereof turned away from his +Lordship. The Crown Lawyers, Sir William +Yonge, Sir Dudley Rider, and Sir John +Strange, that were of Counsel for the +Crown, opened against him in a very bitter +manner; at which the Old Sinner grinned, +and likened them to hounds fighting for a +very tough Morsel which was scarce worth +the Tearing. Then he plagues the Lord +Steward for permission for Counsel to be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[294]</a></span> +granted to him to speak on his behalf, +which by law could not be granted, and for +a short-hand writer to take minutes, which, +after some delay, was allowed. One Schield, +that was the first Witness called, deposing +that Lord Lovat made one of a company of +gentlemen who in 1740 drank healths and +sang catches, such as "Confusion to the +White Horse" (meaning the heraldic cognizance +of Hanover) "and all his generation," +and</p> + +<div class='poem'> +"When Jemmy comes o'er,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">We shall have blood and blows galore,"</span><br /> +</div> + +<div class='unindent'>my Lord cries out upon him as a False +Villain and Perjured Rascal. And was +thereupon admonished by the Lord Steward +to more decorous behaviour. Item: that +he laid all the blame of the Frasers rising +upon his Son, saying with Crocodile Tears +that he was not the first who had an Undutiful +Son; whereupon the young gentleman +cries out in natural Resentment that +he would put the Saddle on the right Horse. +But this and many other charges were +brought home to him, and that he had long<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[295]</a></span> +foregathered with the Pretender, of whom +he spoke in a mock-tragedy style as "the +young man Thomas Kuli Khan." When +upon his defence, he told many Lies, and +strove to Butter their Lordships with specious +Compliments and strained Eulogies; +but 'twould not serve. The Lords being +retired into their own chamber, and the +question being put whether Simon Lord +Lovat was guilty of all the charges of high +treason brought against him, every one, +laying his hand on his left breast, and beginning +with the Junior Baron, answered, +"<span class="smcap">Guilty</span>, upon my honour." And the next +day, which was the seventh of the Trial, he +was solemnly sentenced to Die as a Traitor; +his Grace the Lord Steward making a most +affecting Speech, in which he reproached the +Lord at the Bar with having unnaturally +endeavoured to cast the blame of his malpractices +on his son; "which," said his +Grace, "if it be true, is an impiety that +makes one tremble: for, to quote a wise +author of antiquity, the love of our country +includes all other social affections, which,"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[296]</a></span> +he continued, "shows a perfect knowledge +of human nature; for we see, when that is +gone, even the tenderest of all affections—the +parental—may be extinguished with it." +Upon which Admirable Discourse my fellow-Warder, +Miles Bandolier, fell a blubbering, +and wiping his eyes with his laced sleeve, +whimpers that it is something, after all, to +be a Lord to be cast for Death in such +Sweet Terms; for no Judge at the Old +Bailey would think of wasting Sugared +words upon the rogue he sent to Tyburn. +Which is true.</div> + +<p>When all was done, and the Lord Steward +had, by breaking his Staff, declared the +commission void, the Prisoner with a +grimace twinkling about his wicked old +mouth, bespoke his Majesty's good consideration, +and, turning to the Managers of +the Commons, cries out, "I hope, as ye are +stout, ye will be merciful!" Upon which +one Mr. Polwhedlyan, that sate for a Cornish +borough, and was a very Fat Man, thinking +himself directly concerned, shook his head +with great gravity of countenance. But<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[297]</a></span> +the old Villain was but Play-acting again, +and could but see that the Game was up; +for as the Lords were filing back to the +House, he calls after them, "God bless you +all! I bid you an everlasting farewell, for +in this place we shall never meet again." +He said "God bless you!" with a kind of +fiendish yowl quite horrible to behold; and +if ever man's benison sounded like a curse, +it was that of bad old Lord Lovat.</p> + +<p>A very sad sight at this memorable Trial +was the Appearance and Demeanour of +J. Murray, of Broughton, Esq., that had +been the Chevalier's Secretary,—deepest of +all in his Secrets, and most loved and trusted +by him. The unhappy man, to save his +Life, had betrayed his master and turned +King's Evidence, not only against Lord +Lovat, but many other unhappy Gentlemen. +I never saw such a shrinking, cowering, +hang-dog figure as was made by this Person +in the Box; and burned with shame within +myself to think that this should be a Man +of Gentle birth, and that had touched the +hand of a King's Son—Grandson, I mean.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[298]</a></span> +Accomplished scoundrel as Lovat was, even +a deeper abhorrence was excited by this +Judas: when he first stood up, the Lords, +after gazing at him for a moment with +Contempt, turned their Backs upon him. +The Crown Lawyers treated him in the +manner that an Old Bailey Counsellor +would cross-examine an approver in a case +of Larceny; and as for the Prisoner, he just +shut his eyes while Murray was giving +evidence; and when he had finished, turns +to the Gentleman Gaoler, and asks, with his +eyes still shut, "Is <span class="smcap">It</span> gone?" meaning +Judas. At which there was some merriment.</p> + +<p>'Twas just a month after this trial, on +April 9th, that Justice was done upon Simon +Fraser. He had eaten and drunk heartily, +and cracked many scurril Jokes while under +sentence, and seemed not to care Twopence +whether he was Reprieved or Not. On the +fatal day he waked about three in the +morning, and prayed, or pretended to pray, +with great Devotion. At all events, we +Warders heard him; and he made Noise<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[299]</a></span> +enough. At five he rose, and called for a +glass of Wine-and-Water, after drinking +which he Read till seven. Then he took +some more Wine-and-Water, and at eight +desired that his Wig might be sent to the +Barber to be combed out genteelly. Also, +among some nicknacks that he kept in a +casket, he looked out a purse made somewhat +in the Scotch fashion, of sealskin, to +hold the money which he desired to give to +the Executioner. At half after nine he +breakfasted very heartily of Minced Veal, +which he hoped would not indigest, he facetiously +remarked, ordering Chocolate and +Coffee for his Friends, whose Health he +drank himself in Wine-and-Water. At +eleven the Sheriffs sent to demand his Body, +when he desired all present, save we who +were at the Door, to retire, that he might +say a short prayer. Presently he calls 'em +again, saying, "I am ready." At the +bottom of the first Pair of Stairs from his +Chamber, General Williamson, the Commandant +of the Garrison, invited him into +his room to rest himself. He complied<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[300]</a></span> +most cheerfully, and in French desired that +he might be allowed to take leave of his +Lady, and thank her for all the civilities—for +she had sent him victuals every day +from her own Table, dressed in the French +fashion, which he much affected—which she +had shown him during his confinement. +But the General told him, likewise in +French, that she was too much afflicted by +his Lordship's Misfortunes to bear the +shock of parting with him, and so begged +to be excused. Which means, that she did +not care about being pawed and mauled by +this wicked Old Satyr in his last Moments; +though, with the curiosity natural to her +Sex, I saw with my own eyes Madame Williamson, +in a new Hoop and a grand silk +Calash, and with half-a-dozen of her gossips, +at a window of the House on Tower Hill +hard by the Sheriff's and overlooking the +Scaffold.</p> + +<p>Now we Warders closed up about him; +and preceded and followed by Foot-Soldiers, +he was conveyed in the Governor's Coach to +the Outward Gate, and so delivered over to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_301" id="Page_301">[301]</a></span> +the Sheriffs, who, giving a Receipt for his +Body, conveyed him in another coach (hired +for the two former Lords, Kilmarnock and +Balmerino) to the said House close to the +Scaffold, in which (the House) was a room +lined with Black Cloth and hung with +Sconces.</p> + +<p>A gentleman of a Pious Mien here beginning +to read a Prayer for him, he bade me +help him up that he might Kneel. One of +the Sheriffs then asked him if he would take +a Glass of Wine; but he said that he would +prefer Negus. But there was no warm +water, unhappily, at hand, and says his +Lordship, with his old Grin, "The warm +bluid is nae tappit yet;" so they brought +him a glass of burnt brandy-and-bitters, +which he drank with great Gusto.</p> + +<p>He desired that all his Clothes should be +given to his friends, together with his Corpse, +remarking that for such end he would give +the Executioner Ten instead of Five guineas, +which is the customary Compliment. To +each of the dozen Warders there present he +gave a Jacobus; to Miles Bandolier fifty<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302">[302]</a></span> +shillings; and on myself, who had specially +attended on him ever since he was first +brought to the Tower, he bestowed Five +gold pieces. As I touched the money, he +clapped me on the shoulder, and says in his +comical way,</p> + +<p>"I warrant, now, that beef and pudding +would sit as easy under thy laced jerkin were +'J. R.,' and not 'G. R.,' blazoned on thee, +back and breast."</p> + +<p>But anon a light cloud passed over his +visage, and I heard him mutter to himself +in the Scottish dialect, "Beef and pudding! +'tis cauld kail for Fraser the morn."</p> + +<p>Then turning to the Sheriffs, he desired +that his Head might be received in a Cloth +and put into the Coffin, the which they promised +him; likewise that (if it could be done +without censure) the ceremony of holding up +the Head at the Four Corners of the Scaffold +should be dispensed with. His Lordship +seemed now indeed very weak in his Body, +albeit in no way disconcerted as to his Mind; +and, as Miles Bandolier and your Humble<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_303" id="Page_303">[303]</a></span> +Servant escorted him up the steps of the +Scaffold, he looked around, and gazing upon +the immense concourse of people,</p> + +<p>"God save us!" says he; "why should +there be such a bustle about taking off ane +gray head, that cannot get up Three Steps +without Three Bodies to support it?"</p> + +<p>From which it will be seen that his Lordship +had a Merry Humour unto the last.</p> + +<p>No sooner was he on the fatal Platform +than, seeing me (as he condescended to think) +much dejected, he claps me on the shoulder +again, saying, "Cheer up thy heart, laddie +in scarlet. I am not afraid; why should +you?"</p> + +<p>Then he asks for the Executioner,—that +was none other, indeed, than Jack Ketch, +the Common Hangman, dressed up in black, +with a Mask on, for the days of Gentlemen +Headsmen have long since passed away; +though some would have it that this was a +Surgeon's Apprentice, that dwelt close to +their Hall in the Old Bailey, and turned +Executioner for a Frolic; but I am sure it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_304" id="Page_304">[304]</a></span> +was Ketch, for he came afterwards to the +Stone Kitchen, wanting to treat all present +to Drink; but the meanest Grenadier there +would have none of the Hangman's liquor, +for all that the Blood on his jerkin was that +of a Lord; and the fellow grew so impertinent +at last, that we Warders were constrained +to turn him out of the Fortress, and forbid +him to return under pain of a Drubbing. +"I shall see you no more in the Tower," +quoth the impudent rascal; "but, by ——, +you shall all of you meet me at Tyburn some +day, and I'll sell your laced doublets in +Rosemary Lane after that your throttles are +twisted." But to resume. Lord Lovat +gave this murderous wretch with the Axe +Ten Guineas in a Purse. Then he felt the +edge of the Instrument itself, and said very +quietly that he "thought it would do." +Soon after, he rose from an Armchair which +had been placed for him, and walks round +and round his Coffin, which was covered with +Black Velvet, studded with Silver Nails, and +this Inscription on it (the which I copied off +on my Tablets at the time):<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_305" id="Page_305">[305]</a></span>—</p> + +<div class='center'> +<span class="smcap">Simon Dominus Fraser de Lovat,</span><br /> +Decollat. April 9, 1747.<br /> +Ætat. suæ 80.<br /> +</div> + +<div class='unindent'>Then he sat down again, and recited some +Latin words which I did not understand, but +was afterwards told they were from Horace, +and signified that it is a sweet and proper +thing to Die for one's Country; at the +which a Wag in one of the Gazettes of the +time must needs turn this decorous Sentiment +into Ridicule, and compose an Epigram +insulting Misfortune, to this Effect:—</div> + +<div class='poem'> +"With justice may Lovat this adage apply,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">For the good of their country <span class="smcap">All</span> criminals die."</span><br /> +</div> + +<div class='unindent'>Then did the unfortunate Nobleman desire all +the people to stand off except his two Warders, +who again supported him while he prayed; +after which he calls up his Solicitor and Agent +in Scotland, Mr. Wm. Fraser, and, presenting +his Gold-headed Cane to him, said, "I +deliver you this cane in token of my sense +of your faithful services, and of my committing +to you all the power I have upon +earth;" which is a Scotch fashion, I believe, +when they are Executed. And with this he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306">[306]</a></span> +kissed him upon both cheeks; for this Lord +was much given to hugging and slobbering.</div> + +<p>He also calls for Mr. James Fraser, likewise +a Kinsman (and these Northern Lords +seem to have them by Hundreds), and says, +"My dear Jamie, I'm gaun to Haiv'n; but +ye must e'en crawl a wee langer in this evil +Warld." And with this, the old Grin.</p> + +<p>Then he took off his Hat, Wig, and +Upper Clothes, and delivered them to Mr. +W. F., charging him to see that the Executioner +did not touch them. He ordered his +Nightcap to be put on, and unloosing his +Neckcloth and the Collar of his Shirt, he +kneeled down at the Block, and pulled the +Cloth which was to receive his Head close +to him; but he being too near that fatal +Billet, the Executioner desired him to remove +a little further Back, which, with our +assistance, was Immediately done; and his +Neck being properly placed, he told the +Headsman he would say a short Prayer, +and then give the Signal by dropping his +Handkerchief. In this posture he remained +about Half a Minute. Then, throwing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_307" id="Page_307">[307]</a></span> +down the Kerchief, the Executioner, at <span class="smcap">one +Blow</span>, severed his Head from his Body. +Then was a dreadful Crimson Shower of +Gore all around; and many and many a +time at the Playhouse have I thought upon +that Crimson Cascade on Tower Hill, when, +in the tragedy of <i>Macbeth</i>, the wicked Queen +talks of "the old man having so much blood +in him."</p> + +<p>The Corpse was put into the Coffin, and +so into the Hearse, and was carried back to +the Tower. At four o'clock came an Undertaker +from Holborn Hill, very fine, with +many mourning coaches full of Scots gentlemen, +and fetched away the Body, in order +to be sent to Scotland, and deposited in his +own Tomb at Kirkhill. But leave not being +given by Authority as was expected, it was +again brought back to the Tower, and buried +by the side of Kilmarnock and Balmerino, +close to the Communion-rails in the little +church of St. Peter-on-the-Green, where so +much Royal and Noble Dust doth moulder +away.</p> + +<p><i>Memorandum.</i>—The Block on which this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_308" id="Page_308">[308]</a></span> +Nobleman suffered was but a common Billet +of Oak wood, such as Butchers use, and +hollowed out for the purpose of accommodating +the neck; but it had not been stowed +away in the White Tower for a month +before it was shown to the Public for Money, +and passed as the Block whereon Queen +Anne Boleyn was beheaded. So with the +Axe, which was declared to be the one used +in decapitating K. C. 1<sup>st</sup>; but there's not a +word of truth in the whole story. The +Block was hewn and the Axe was forged +after the '45, and specially for the doing of +justice on the Rebel Lords.</p> + +<p>Note also that Lord Lovat left it in a +Codicil to his Will that all the Pipers from +Jonie Groat's house to Edinburgh were to +play before his Corpse, and have a handsome +allowance in Meal and Whisky (on +which this sort of People mostly live) for +so doing. Likewise that all the good old +Women of his county were to sing what +they call a <i>Coronach</i> over him. And indeed +Women, both young and old, are so good +when there's any thing pitiful to be done,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">[309]</a></span> +that I make no doubt that the <i>Coronach</i> +would have been sung if the old Rebel had +gone back to Scotland; and if there were +found those to weep for Nero, I see no +reason why some tears should not have been +shed for Simon, Lord Lovat.</p> + +<p>But there is no denying, after all, that +Simon Fraser was a very complete Scoundrel. +His whole life, indeed, had been but +one series of Crimes, one calendar of Frauds, +one tissue of Lies. For at least seventy +out of his eighty years of life he had been +cheating, cogging, betraying, and doing the +Devil's service upon earth; and who shall +say that his end was undeserved? A Scots +Lord of his acquaintance was heard to say +that he deserved to be hung twenty times in +twenty places for twenty heinous Crimes +that he had committed; and let this be +borne in mind, that this was the same Lord +Lovat that, as Captain Fraser, and being +then a Young Man, was outlawed for a very +atrocious Act of Violence that he had committed +upon a young Lady of Fashion and +Figure, whom he carried away (with the aid<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">[310]</a></span> +of a Band of his brutal Retainers) in the +dead of night, married by Force, with the +assistance of a hireling Priest of his, cutting +the very clothes off her body with his Dirk, +and bidding his Pipers strike up to drown +her cries. And yet such a Ruffian as he +undoubtedly was could maintain an appearance +of a facete disposition to the last; and +he seems to have taken great pains to quit +the Stage, not only with Decency, but with +that Dignity which is thought to distinguish +the Good Conscience and the Noble +Mind. There is only one more thing to be +set down, and that is one that I, being the +Warder who (with Bandolier) attended him +throughout his confinement, can vouch for +the truth of. It was falsely said at the +time that this Lord sought to defraud the +Axe by much drinking of Wine: now I can +aver that while in custody he never drank +above two pints a day; and the report may +have arisen from the considerable quantities +of Brandy and Rum which were used, night +and morning, to bathe his poor feet and +legs.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">[311]</a></span></p> + +<p>Now, Tranquillity being happily restored +to these Kingdoms, and the Chevalier safely +gotten away to France (whither, however, +that luckless young Man was expelled, and +in a very ignominious manner, at the Peace +of Aix-la-Chapelle), I do confess that I began +to weary somewhat of my fine Red Doublet, +and of the Rosettes in my shoes; and +although my Loyalty to King George and +the Protestant Succession was without stain, +I felt that it was somewhat beneath the +dignity of a Gentleman Cavalier to dangle +all day beneath a Portcullis with a Partisan +on one's shoulder, or act as Bear Leader to +the Joskins and simpering City Madams +that came to see the Curiosities. And I +felt my own roaming Fit come upon me as +fierce as ever, and longed to be off to Foreign +Parts again. I could have taken service +under the Duke of Cumberland in the wars +of Germany, and could have procured, perhaps, +a pair of Colours in his Royal Highness's +army; but, odd to relate, ever since +my Misadventure at Vienna what time I +was in little Squire Pinchin's service, I had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">[312]</a></span> +conceived a great Distaste for those High +Dutch countries, and cared not to go a +campaigning there. Then there was fighting +going on, and to spare, in Italy, where +the Austrians were doing their best to +reduce Genoa, the French opposing 'em +tooth and nail. But I misliked the Germans +as well as their country, and saw not +the Profit of getting shot under the command +of an Austrian Archduke. There +were many other Continental countries open +to the enterprise of Gentlemen Adventurers +from England, but in most of them only +Papists would go down; and to turn Romanist, +for whatever reward of Place or +Dignity, was against my principles.</p> + +<p>Pending, however, my coming to some +Determination as to my future mode of life, +I resolved to throw up my Post of Tower +Warder receiving the gratuity of Twenty +Guineas which was granted to those resigning +by the bounty of his Majesty the King. +Those who state that I left my Employment +in any thing like Disgrace are surely the +vilest Traducers and Libellers that ever deserved<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">[313]</a></span> +to have their tongues bored through +with a Red-hot Iron; but I do not mind +myself admitting that my situation had +become somewhat unpleasant, and that I +was sufficiently anxious to change the scene +of my Adventures. There was a certain +Waiting-maid belonging to Madam Williamson +(that was General Williamson's lady, +Military Commandant) who had long cast +Sheep's Eyes upon me. I declare that I +gave the Lass no encouragement; but what +would you have? I was in the prime of +life, and she a buxom kind of Wench, about +twenty-two years of age. 'Twas following +me here, and ogling me there, and leaving +love-billets and messages for me at the +Guard-Room. I will not deny but that +from time to time I may have passed a jest +with the girl, nay, given her some few trinkums, +and now and then treated her to chocolate +or sweet wine at Marylebone Gardens +or the Flask at Hampstead. You may be +sure that on these occasions I did not wear +my Antiquated costume as a Tower Warder, +but a blue Culloden frock, gold-corded, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">[314]</a></span> +with crown buttons; a scarlet waistcoat and +breeches; a hat with a military cock; and +a neat hanger by my side. By drawers, +masters of the games, and others, I was now +always known as Captain.</p> + +<p>Had I not been exceedingly wary and circumspect +in all my dealings with this Waiting-Woman,—poor +thing! her name was +Prue,—the affair might have ended badly; +and there might have been Rendezvous on +the ramparts, moonlight trysts on the Tower +Green, and the like Follies. But I saw that +our Flirtation must not be permitted to go +any further. The Commandant's wife, indeed, +had come to hear of it; and, sending +for me to her Parlour, must needs ask me +what my Intentions were towards her Maid. +"Madam," I answered, taking off my hat, +and making her a very low bow, "I am a +soldier; and I never knew a soldier yet that +Intended any thing; all he does is without +any Intention at all." Upon which she +bade me to go for an Impudent fellow; and +I doubt not, had I been under her Husband's +orders, would have had me set upon the Picket<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">[315]</a></span> +on the Parade for my free speaking; but we +Tower Warders were not amenable to such +Slavish Discipline; and, indeed, General +Williamson, who stood by, was pleased to +laugh heartily at my answer, and gave me a +crown to drink the King's health, bidding +me, however, take care what I was about, +and see that the poor girl came to no Hurt. +And I being at that time somewhat chary +of imperilling my Independence, and minded +to take neither a Wife nor a Mistress, thought +the very best thing I could do was to kiss, +shake hands, and Part, lest worse should +come of it.</p> + + +<h3>END OF VOL. II.</h3> + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">[316]</a></span></p> + + +<div class='copyright'> +LONDON:<br /> +SAVILL AND EDWARDS, PRINTERS, CHANDOS STREET,<br /> +COVENT GARDEN.<br /> +</div> + +<hr style='width: 65%;' /> +<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1"><span class="label">[A]</span></a> Captain Dangerous! Captain Dangerous!—<span class="smcap">Ed.</span></p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_B_2" id="Footnote_B_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_B_2"><span class="label">[B]</span></a> That which I have made Captain Dangerous relate +in fiction will be found narrated, act for act, and nearly +word for word, in the very unromantic evidence given +before the first parliamentary committee on slavery +and the slave-trade moved for by Mr. Clarkson.—<span class="smcap">Ed.</span></p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_C_3" id="Footnote_C_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_C_3"><span class="label">[C]</span></a> Vide Stedman's <i>Surinam</i>.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_D_4" id="Footnote_D_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_D_4"><span class="label">[D]</span></a> <i>Dean of Myddelton's</i> Evidence, Clarkson's Committee.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_E_5" id="Footnote_E_5"></a><a href="#FNanchor_E_5"><span class="label">[E]</span></a> Had Captain Dangerous written his memoirs a +few years later, he might have found cause to alter his +opinion respecting the wisdom of George III. in refusing +to grant the American demands.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_F_6" id="Footnote_F_6"></a><a href="#FNanchor_F_6"><span class="label">[F]</span></a> And yet Captain Dangerous is a stanch opponent +of Reform.—<span class="smcap">Ed.</span></p></div></div> + +<hr style='width: 65%;' /> + + +<div class='tnote'><h3>Transcriber's Notes:</h3> +<p>Obvious punctuation errors repaired.</p> +<p>Spelling being fluid in Captain Dangerous' life, only the most obvious typographical +errors were repaired.</p> + +<p>Varied hyphenation includes: Guard-house and Guardhouse; pottle-pot and pottlepot; stand-still and standstill; +and Train-bands and Trainbands.</p> + +<p>The remaining corrections made are indicated by dotted lines under the corrections. Scroll the mouse over the word and the original text will <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'apprear'">appear</ins>.</p></div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Strange Adventures of Captain +Dangerous, Vol. 2 of 3, by George Augustus Sala + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN DANGEROUS, VOL. 2 OF 3 *** + +***** This file should be named 26668-h.htm or 26668-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/6/6/26668/ + +Produced by Robert Cicconetti, Emmy and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +book was produced from scanned images of public domain +material from the Google Print project.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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