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diff --git a/2694-0.txt b/2694-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b611328 --- /dev/null +++ b/2694-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1574 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook of I and My Chimney, by Herman Melville + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and +most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you +will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before +using this eBook. + +Title: I and My Chimney + +Author: Herman Melville + +Release Date: July, 2001 [eBook #2694] +[Most recently updated: June 28, 2023] + +Language: English + +Produced by: Stephan J. Macaluso + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK I AND MY CHIMNEY *** + + + + +I and My Chimney + +By Herman Melville + + + + +I and my chimney, two grey-headed old smokers, reside in the country. +We are, I may say, old settlers here; particularly my old chimney, +which settles more and more every day. + +Though I always say, _I and my chimney_, as Cardinal Wolsey used to +say, “_I and my King_,” yet this egotistic way of speaking, wherein I +take precedence of my chimney, is hardly borne out by the facts; in +everything, except the above phrase, my chimney taking precedence of +me. + +Within thirty feet of the turf-sided road, my chimney—a huge, corpulent +old Harry VIII of a chimney—rises full in front of me and all my +possessions. Standing well up a hillside, my chimney, like Lord Rosse’s +monster telescope, swung vertical to hit the meridian moon, is the +first object to greet the approaching traveler’s eye, nor is it the +last which the sun salutes. My chimney, too, is before me in receiving +the first-fruits of the seasons. The snow is on its head ere on my hat; +and every spring, as in a hollow beech tree, the first swallows build +their nests in it. + +But it is within doors that the pre-eminence of my chimney is most +manifest. When in the rear room, set apart for that object, I stand to +receive my guests (who, by the way call more, I suspect, to see my +chimney than me) I then stand, not so much before, as, strictly +speaking, behind my chimney, which is, indeed, the true host. Not that +I demur. In the presence of my betters, I hope I know my place. + +From this habitual precedence of my chimney over me, some even think +that I have got into a sad rearward way altogether; in short, from +standing behind my old-fashioned chimney so much, I have got to be +quite behind the age too, as well as running behindhand in everything +else. But to tell the truth, I never was a very forward old fellow, nor +what my farming neighbors call a forehanded one. Indeed, those rumors +about my behindhandedness are so far correct, that I have an odd +sauntering way with me sometimes of going about with my hands behind my +back. As for my belonging to the rear-guard in general, certain it is, +I bring up the rear of my chimney—which, by the way, is this moment +before me—and that, too, both in fancy and fact. In brief, my chimney +is my superior; my superior by I know not how many heads and shoulders; +my superior, too, in that humbly bowing over with shovel and tongs, I +much minister to it; yet never does it minister, or incline over to me; +but, if anything, in its settlings, rather leans the other way. + +My chimney is grand seignior here—the one great domineering object, not +more of the landscape, than of the house; all the rest of which house, +in each architectural arrangement, as may shortly appear, is, in the +most marked manner, accommodated, not to my wants, but to my chimney’s, +which, among other things, has the centre of the house to himself, +leaving but the odd holes and corners to me. + +But I and my chimney must explain; and as we are both rather obese, we +may have to expatiate. + +In those houses which are strictly double houses—that is, where the +hall is in the middle—the fireplaces usually are on opposite sides; so +that while one member of the household is warming himself at a fire +built into a recess of the north wall, say another member, the former’s +own brother, perhaps, may be holding his feet to the blaze before a +hearth in the south wall—the two thus fairly sitting back to back. Is +this well? Be it put to any man who has a proper fraternal feeling. Has +it not a sort of sulky appearance? But very probably this style of +chimney building originated with some architect afflicted with a +quarrelsome family. + +Then again, almost every modern fireplace has its separate +flue—separate throughout, from hearth to chimney-top. At least such an +arrangement is deemed desirable. Does not this look egotistical, +selfish? But still more, all these separate flues, instead of having +independent masonry establishments of their own, or instead of being +grouped together in one federal stock in the middle of the +house—instead of this, I say, each flue is surreptitiously honey-combed +into the walls; so that these last are here and there, or indeed almost +anywhere, treacherously hollow, and, in consequence, more or less weak. +Of course, the main reason of this style of chimney building is to +economize room. In cities, where lots are sold by the inch, small space +is to spare for a chimney constructed on magnanimous principles; and, +as with most thin men, who are generally tall, so with such houses, +what is lacking in breadth, must be made up in height. This remark +holds true even with regard to many very stylish abodes, built by the +most stylish of gentlemen. And yet, when that stylish gentleman, Louis +le Grand of France, would build a palace for his lady, friend, Madame +de Maintenon, he built it but one story high—in fact in the cottage +style. But then, how uncommonly quadrangular, spacious, and +broad—horizontal acres, not vertical ones. Such is the palace, which, +in all its one-storied magnificence of Languedoc marble, in the garden +of Versailles, still remains to this day. Any man can buy a square foot +of land and plant a liberty-pole on it; but it takes a king to set +apart whole acres for a grand Trianon. + +But nowadays it is different; and furthermore, what originated in a +necessity has been mounted into a vaunt. In towns there is large +rivalry in building tall houses. If one gentleman builds his house four +stories high, and another gentleman comes next door and builds five +stories high, then the former, not to be looked down upon that way, +immediately sends for his architect and claps a fifth and a sixth story +on top of his previous four. And, not till the gentleman has achieved +his aspiration, not till he has stolen over the way by twilight and +observed how his sixth story soars beyond his neighbor’s fifth—not till +then does he retire to his rest with satisfaction. + +Such folks, it seems to me, need mountains for neighbors, to take this +emulous conceit of soaring out of them. + +If, considering that mine is a very wide house, and by no means lofty, +aught in the above may appear like interested pleading, as if I did but +fold myself about in the cloak of a general proposition, cunningly to +tickle my individual vanity beneath it, such misconception must vanish +upon my frankly conceding, that land adjoining my alder swamp was sold +last month for ten dollars an acre, and thought a rash purchase at +that; so that for wide houses hereabouts there is plenty of room, and +cheap. Indeed so cheap—dirt cheap—is the soil, that our elms thrust out +their roots in it, and hang their great boughs over it, in the most +lavish and reckless way. Almost all our crops, too, are sown broadcast, +even peas and turnips. A farmer among us, who should go about his +twenty-acre field, poking his finger into it here and there, and +dropping down a mustard seed, would be thought a penurious, +narrow-minded husbandman. The dandelions in the river-meadows, and the +forget-me-nots along the mountain roads, you see at once they are put +to no economy in space. Some seasons, too, our rye comes up here and +there a spear, sole and single like a church-spire. It doesn’t care to +crowd itself where it knows there is such a deal of room. The world is +wide, the world is all before us, says the rye. Weeds, too, it is +amazing how they spread. No such thing as arresting them—some of our +pastures being a sort of Alsatia for the weeds. As for the grass, every +spring it is like Kossuth’s rising of what he calls the peoples. +Mountains, too, a regular camp-meeting of them. For the same reason, +the same all-sufficiency of room, our shadows march and countermarch, +going through their various drills and masterly evolutions, like the +old imperial guard on the Champs de Mars. As for the hills, especially +where the roads cross them the supervisors of our various towns have +given notice to all concerned, that they can come and dig them down and +cart them off, and never a cent to pay, no more than for the privilege +of picking blackberries. The stranger who is buried here, what +liberal-hearted landed proprietor among us grudges him his six feet of +rocky pasture? + +Nevertheless, cheap, after all, as our land is, and much as it is +trodden under foot, I, for one, am proud of it for what it bears; and +chiefly for its three great lions—the Great Oak, Ogg Mountain, and my +chimney. + +Most houses, here, are but one and a half stories high; few exceed two. +That in which I and my chimney dwell, is in width nearly twice its +height, from sill to eaves—which accounts for the magnitude of its main +content—besides showing that in this house, as in this country at +large, there is abundance of space, and to spare, for both of us. + +The frame of the old house is of wood—which but the more sets forth the +solidity of the chimney, which is of brick. And as the great wrought +nails, binding the clapboards, are unknown in these degenerate days, so +are the huge bricks in the chimney walls. The architect of the chimney +must have had the pyramid of Cheops before him; for, after that famous +structure, it seems modeled, only its rate of decrease towards the +summit is considerably less, and it is truncated. From the exact middle +of the mansion it soars from the cellar, right up through each +successive floor, till, four feet square, it breaks water from the +ridge-pole of the roof, like an anvil-headed whale, through the crest +of a billow. Most people, though, liken it, in that part, to a razeed +observatory, masoned up. + +The reason for its peculiar appearance above the roof touches upon +rather delicate ground. How shall I reveal that, forasmuch as many +years ago the original gable roof of the old house had become very +leaky, a temporary proprietor hired a band of woodmen, with their huge, +cross-cut saws, and went to sawing the old gable roof clean off. Off it +went, with all its birds’ nests, and dormer windows. It was replaced +with a modern roof, more fit for a railway wood-house than an old +country gentleman’s abode. This operation—razeeing the structure some +fifteen feet—was, in effect upon the chimney, something like the +falling of the great spring tides. It left uncommon low water all about +the chimney—to abate which appearance, the same person now proceeds to +slice fifteen feet off the chimney itself, actually beheading my royal +old chimney—a regicidal act, which, were it not for the palliating fact +that he was a poulterer by trade, and, therefore, hardened to such +neck-wringings, should send that former proprietor down to posterity in +the same cart with Cromwell. + +Owing to its pyramidal shape, the reduction of the chimney inordinately +widened its razeed summit. Inordinately, I say, but only in the +estimation of such as have no eye to the picturesque. What care I, if, +unaware that my chimney, as a free citizen of this free land, stands +upon an independent basis of its own, people passing it, wonder how +such a brick-kiln, as they call it, is supported upon mere joists and +rafters? What care I? I will give a traveler a cup of switchel, if he +want it; but am I bound to supply him with a sweet taste? Men of +cultivated minds see, in my old house and chimney, a goodly old +elephant-and-castle. + +All feeling hearts will sympathize with me in what I am now about to +add. The surgical operation, above referred to, necessarily brought +into the open air a part of the chimney previously under cover, and +intended to remain so, and, therefore, not built of what are called +weather-bricks. In consequence, the chimney, though of a vigorous +constitution, suffered not a little, from so naked an exposure; and, +unable to acclimate itself, ere long began to fail—showing blotchy +symptoms akin to those in measles. Whereupon travelers, passing my way, +would wag their heads, laughing; “See that wax nose—how it melts off!” +But what cared I? The same travelers would travel across the sea to +view Kenilworth peeling away, and for a very good reason: that of all +artists of the picturesque, decay wears the palm—I would say, the ivy. +In fact, I’ve often thought that the proper place for my old chimney is +ivied old England. + +In vain my wife—with what probable ulterior intent will, ere long, +appear—solemnly warned me, that unless something were done, and +speedily, we should be burnt to the ground, owing to the holes +crumbling through the aforesaid blotchy parts, where the chimney joined +the roof. “Wife,” said I, “far better that my house should burn down, +than that my chimney should be pulled down, though but a few feet. They +call it a wax nose; very good; not for me to tweak the nose of my +superior.” But at last the man who has a mortgage on the house dropped +me a note, reminding me that, if my chimney was allowed to stand in +that invalid condition, my policy of insurance would be void. This was +a sort of hint not to be neglected. All the world over, the picturesque +yields to the pocketesque. The mortgagor cared not, but the mortgagee +did. + +So another operation was performed. The wax nose was taken off, and a +new one fitted on. Unfortunately for the expression—being put up by a +squint-eyed mason, who, at the time, had a bad stitch in the same +side—the new nose stands a little awry, in the same direction. + +Of one thing, however, I am proud. The horizontal dimensions of the new +part are unreduced. + +Large as the chimney appears upon the roof, that is nothing to its +spaciousness below. At its base in the cellar, it is precisely twelve +feet square; and hence covers precisely one hundred and forty-four +superficial feet. What an appropriation of terra firma for a chimney, +and what a huge load for this earth! In fact, it was only because I and +my chimney formed no part of his ancient burden, that that stout +peddler, Atlas of old, was enabled to stand up so bravely under his +pack. The dimensions given may, perhaps, seem fabulous. But, like those +stones at Gilgal, which Joshua set up for a memorial of having passed +over Jordan, does not my chimney remain, even unto this day? + +Very often I go down into my cellar, and attentively survey that vast +square of masonry. I stand long, and ponder over, and wonder at it. It +has a druidical look, away down in the umbrageous cellar there whose +numerous vaulted passages, and far glens of gloom, resemble the dark, +damp depths of primeval woods. So strongly did this conceit steal over +me, so deeply was I penetrated with wonder at the chimney, that one +day—when I was a little out of my mind, I now think—getting a spade +from the garden, I set to work, digging round the foundation, +especially at the corners thereof, obscurely prompted by dreams of +striking upon some old, earthen-worn memorial of that by-gone day, +when, into all this gloom, the light of heaven entered, as the masons +laid the foundation-stones, peradventure sweltering under an August +sun, or pelted by a March storm. Plying my blunted spade, how vexed was +I by that ungracious interruption of a neighbor who, calling to see me +upon some business, and being informed that I was below said I need not +be troubled to come up, but he would go down to me; and so, without +ceremony, and without my having been forewarned, suddenly discovered +me, digging in my cellar. + +“Gold digging, sir?” + +“Nay, sir,” answered I, starting, “I was merely—ahem!—merely—I say I +was merely digging-round my chimney.” + +“Ah, loosening the soil, to make it grow. Your chimney, sir, you regard +as too small, I suppose; needing further development, especially at the +top?” + +“Sir!” said I, throwing down the spade, “do not be personal. I and my +chimney—” + +“Personal?” + +“Sir, I look upon this chimney less as a pile of masonry than as a +personage. It is the king of the house. I am but a suffered and +inferior subject.” + +In fact, I would permit no gibes to be cast at either myself or my +chimney; and never again did my visitor refer to it in my hearing, +without coupling some compliment with the mention. It well deserves a +respectful consideration. There it stands, solitary and alone—not a +council—of ten flues, but, like his sacred majesty of Russia, a unit of +an autocrat. + +Even to me, its dimensions, at times, seem incredible. It does not look +so big—no, not even in the cellar. By the mere eye, its magnitude can +be but imperfectly comprehended, because only one side can be received +at one time; and said side can only present twelve feet, linear +measure. But then, each other side also is twelve feet long; and the +whole obviously forms a square and twelve times twelve is one hundred +and forty-four. And so, an adequate conception of the magnitude of this +chimney is only to be got at by a sort of process in the higher +mathematics by a method somewhat akin to those whereby the surprising +distances of fixed stars are computed. + +It need hardly be said, that the walls of my house are entirely free +from fireplaces. These all congregate in the middle—in the one grand +central chimney, upon all four sides of which are hearths—two tiers of +hearths—so that when, in the various chambers, my family and guests are +warming themselves of a cold winter’s night, just before retiring, +then, though at the time they may not be thinking so, all their faces +mutually look towards each other, yea, all their feet point to one +centre; and, when they go to sleep in their beds, they all sleep round +one warm chimney, like so many Iroquois Indians, in the woods, round +their one heap of embers. And just as the Indians’ fire serves, not +only to keep them comfortable, but also to keep off wolves, and other +savage monsters, so my chimney, by its obvious smoke at top, keeps off +prowling burglars from the towns—for what burglar or murderer would +dare break into an abode from whose chimney issues such a continual +smoke—betokening that if the inmates are not stirring, at least fires +are, and in case of an alarm, candles may readily be lighted, to say +nothing of muskets. + +But stately as is the chimney—yea, grand high altar as it is, right +worthy for the celebration of high mass before the Pope of Rome, and +all his cardinals—yet what is there perfect in this world? Caius Julius +Caesar, had he not been so inordinately great, they say that Brutus, +Cassius, Antony, and the rest, had been greater. My chimney, were it +not so mighty in its magnitude, my chambers had been larger. How often +has my wife ruefully told me, that my chimney, like the English +aristocracy, casts a contracting shade all round it. She avers that +endless domestic inconveniences arise—more particularly from the +chimney’s stubborn central locality. The grand objection with her is, +that it stands midway in the place where a fine entrance-hall ought to +be. In truth, there is no hall whatever to the house—nothing but a sort +of square landing-place, as you enter from the wide front door. A roomy +enough landing-place, I admit, but not attaining to the dignity of a +hall. Now, as the front door is precisely in the middle of the front of +the house, inwards it faces the chimney. In fact, the opposite wall of +the landing-place is formed solely by the chimney; and hence-owing to +the gradual tapering of the chimney—is a little less than twelve feet +in width. Climbing the chimney in this part, is the principal +staircase—which, by three abrupt turns, and three minor landing-places, +mounts to the second floor, where, over the front door, runs a sort of +narrow gallery, something less than twelve feet long, leading to +chambers on either hand. This gallery, of course, is railed; and so, +looking down upon the stairs, and all those landing-places together, +with the main one at bottom, resembles not a little a balcony for +musicians, in some jolly old abode, in times Elizabethan. Shall I tell +a weakness? I cherish the cobwebs there, and many a time arrest Biddy +in the act of brushing them with her broom, and have many a quarrel +with my wife and daughters about it. + +Now the ceiling, so to speak, of the place where you enter the house, +that ceiling is, in fact, the ceiling of the second floor, not the +first. The two floors are made one here; so that ascending this turning +stairs, you seem going up into a kind of soaring tower, or lighthouse. +At the second landing, midway up the chimney, is a mysterious door, +entering to a mysterious closet; and here I keep mysterious cordials, +of a choice, mysterious flavor, made so by the constant nurturing and +subtle ripening of the chimney’s gentle heat, distilled through that +warm mass of masonry. Better for wines is it than voyages to the +Indias; my chimney itself a tropic. A chair by my chimney in a November +day is as good for an invalid as a long season spent in Cuba. Often I +think how grapes might ripen against my chimney. How my wife’s +geraniums bud there! Bud in December. Her eggs, too—can’t keep them +near the chimney, on account of the hatching. Ah, a warm heart has my +chimney. + +How often my wife was at me about that projected grand entrance-hall of +hers, which was to be knocked clean through the chimney, from one end +of the house to the other, and astonish all guests by its generous +amplitude. “But, wife,” said I, “the chimney—consider the chimney: if +you demolish the foundation, what is to support the superstructure?” +“Oh, that will rest on the second floor.” The truth is, women know next +to nothing about the realities of architecture. However, my wife still +talked of running her entries and partitions. She spent many long +nights elaborating her plans; in imagination building her boasted hall +through the chimney, as though its high mightiness were a mere spear of +sorrel-top. At last, I gently reminded her that, little as she might +fancy it, the chimney was a fact—a sober, substantial fact, which, in +all her plannings, it would be well to take into full consideration. +But this was not of much avail. + +And here, respectfully craving her permission, I must say a few words +about this enterprising wife of mine. Though in years nearly old as +myself, in spirit she is young as my little sorrel mare, Trigger, that +threw me last fall. What is extraordinary, though she comes of a +rheumatic family, she is straight as a pine, never has any aches; while +for me with the sciatica, I am sometimes as crippled up as any old +apple-tree. But she has not so much as a toothache. As for her +hearing—let me enter the house in my dusty boots, and she away up in +the attic. And for her sight—Biddy, the housemaid, tells other people’s +housemaids, that her mistress will spy a spot on the dresser straight +through the pewter platter, put up on purpose to hide it. Her faculties +are alert as her limbs and her senses. No danger of my spouse dying of +torpor. The longest night in the year I’ve known her lie awake, +planning her campaign for the morrow. She is a natural projector. The +maxim, “Whatever is, is right,” is not hers. Her maxim is, Whatever is, +is wrong; and what is more, must be altered; and what is still more, +must be altered right away. Dreadful maxim for the wife of a dozy old +dreamer like me, who dote on seventh days as days of rest, and out of a +sabbatical horror of industry, will, on a week day, go out of my road a +quarter of a mile, to avoid the sight of a man at work. + +That matches are made in heaven, may be, but my wife would have been +just the wife for Peter the Great, or Peter the Piper. How she would +have set in order that huge littered empire of the one, and with +indefatigable painstaking picked the peck of pickled peppers for the +other. + +But the most wonderful thing is, my wife never thinks of her end. Her +youthful incredulity, as to the plain theory, and still plainer fact of +death, hardly seems Christian. Advanced in years, as she knows she must +be, my wife seems to think that she is to teem on, and be inexhaustible +forever. She doesn’t believe in old age. At that strange promise in the +plain of Mamre, my old wife, unlike old Abraham’s, would not have +jeeringly laughed within herself. + +Judge how to me, who, sitting in the comfortable shadow of my chimney, +smoking my comfortable pipe, with ashes not unwelcome at my feet, and +ashes not unwelcome all but in my mouth; and who am thus in a +comfortable sort of not unwelcome, though, indeed, ashy enough way, +reminded of the ultimate exhaustion even of the most fiery life; judge +how to me this unwarrantable vitality in my wife must come, sometimes, +it is true, with a moral and a calm, but oftener with a breeze and a +ruffle. + +If the doctrine be true, that in wedlock contraries attract, by how +cogent a fatality must I have been drawn to my wife! While spicily +impatient of present and past, like a glass of ginger-beer she +overflows with her schemes; and, with like energy as she puts down her +foot, puts down her preserves and her pickles, and lives with them in a +continual future; or ever full of expectations both from time and +space, is ever restless for newspapers, and ravenous for letters. +Content with the years that are gone, taking no thought for the morrow, +and looking for no new thing from any person or quarter whatever, I +have not a single scheme or expectation on earth, save in unequal +resistance of the undue encroachment of hers. + +Old myself, I take to oldness in things; for that cause mainly loving +old Montaigne, and old cheese, and old wine; and eschewing young +people, hot rolls, new books, and early potatoes and very fond of my +old claw-footed chair, and old club-footed Deacon White, my neighbor, +and that still nigher old neighbor, my betwisted old grape-vine, that +of a summer evening leans in his elbow for cosy company at my +window-sill, while I, within doors, lean over mine to meet his; and +above all, high above all, am fond of my high-mantled old chimney. But +she, out of the infatuate juvenility of hers, takes to nothing but +newness; for that cause mainly, loving new cider in autumn, and in +spring, as if she were own daughter of Nebuchadnezzar, fairly raving +after all sorts of salads and spinages, and more particularly green +cucumbers (though all the time nature rebukes such unsuitable young +hankerings in so elderly a person, by never permitting such things to +agree with her), and has an itch after recently-discovered fine +prospects (so no graveyard be in the background), and also after +Swedenborgianism, and the Spirit Rapping philosophy, with other new +views, alike in things natural and unnatural; and immortally hopeful, +is forever making new flower-beds even on the north side of the house +where the bleak mountain wind would scarce allow the wiry weed called +hard-hack to gain a thorough footing; and on the road-side sets out +mere pipe-stems of young elms; though there is no hope of any shade +from them, except over the ruins of her great granddaughter’s +gravestones; and won’t wear caps, but plaits her gray hair; and takes +the Ladies’ Magazine for the fashions; and always buys her new almanac +a month before the new year; and rises at dawn; and to the warmest +sunset turns a cold shoulder; and still goes on at odd hours with her +new course of history, and her French, and her music; and likes a young +company; and offers to ride young colts; and sets out young suckers in +the orchard; and has a spite against my elbowed old grape-vine, and my +club-footed old neighbor, and my claw-footed old chair, and above all, +high above all, would fain persecute, unto death, my high-mantled old +chimney. By what perverse magic, I a thousand times think, does such a +very autumnal old lady have such a very vernal young soul? When I would +remonstrate at times, she spins round on me with, “Oh, don’t you +grumble, old man (she always calls me old man), it’s I, young I, that +keep you from stagnating.” Well, I suppose it is so. Yea, after all, +these things are well ordered. My wife, as one of her poor relations, +good soul, intimates, is the salt of the earth, and none the less the +salt of my sea, which otherwise were unwholesome. She is its monsoon, +too, blowing a brisk gale over it, in the one steady direction of my +chimney. + +Not insensible of her superior energies, my wife has frequently made me +propositions to take upon herself all the responsibilities of my +affairs. She is desirous that, domestically, I should abdicate; that, +renouncing further rule, like the venerable Charles V, I should retire +into some sort of monastery. But indeed, the chimney excepted, I have +little authority to lay down. By my wife’s ingenious application of the +principle that certain things belong of right to female jurisdiction, I +find myself, through my easy compliances, insensibly stripped by +degrees of one masculine prerogative after another. In a dream I go +about my fields, a sort of lazy, happy-go-lucky, good-for-nothing, +loafing old Lear. Only by some sudden revelation am I reminded who is +over me; as year before last, one day seeing in one corner of the +premises fresh deposits of mysterious boards and timbers, the oddity of +the incident at length begat serious meditation. “Wife,” said I, “whose +boards and timbers are those I see near the orchard there? Do you know +anything about them, wife? Who put them there? You know I do not like +the neighbors to use my land that way, they should ask permission +first.” + +She regarded me with a pitying smile. + +“Why, old man, don’t you know I am building a new barn? Didn’t you know +that, old man?” + +This is the poor old lady that was accusing me of tyrannizing over her. + +To return now to the chimney. Upon being assured of the futility of her +proposed hall, so long as the obstacle remained, for a time my wife was +for a modified project. But I could never exactly comprehend it. As far +as I could see through it, it seemed to involve the general idea of a +sort of irregular archway, or elbowed tunnel, which was to penetrate +the chimney at some convenient point under the staircase, and carefully +avoiding dangerous contact with the fireplaces, and particularly +steering clear of the great interior flue, was to conduct the +enterprising traveler from the front door all the way into the +dining-room in the remote rear of the mansion. Doubtless it was a bold +stroke of genius, that plan of hers, and so was Nero’s when he schemed +his grand canal through the Isthmus of Corinth. Nor will I take oath, +that, had her project been accomplished, then, by help of lights hung +at judicious intervals through the tunnel, some Belzoni or other might +have succeeded in future ages in penetrating through the masonry, and +actually emerging into the dining-room, and once there, it would have +been inhospitable treatment of such a traveler to have denied him a +recruiting meal. + +But my bustling wife did not restrict her objections, nor in the end +confine her proposed alterations to the first floor. Her ambition was +of the mounting order. She ascended with her schemes to the second +floor, and so to the attic. Perhaps there was some small ground for her +discontent with things as they were. The truth is, there was no regular +passage-way up-stairs or down, unless we again except that little +orchestra-gallery before mentioned. And all this was owing to the +chimney, which my gamesome spouse seemed despitefully to regard as the +bully of the house. On all its four sides, nearly all the chambers +sidled up to the chimney for the benefit of a fireplace. The chimney +would not go to them; they must needs go to it. The consequence was, +almost every room, like a philosophical system, was in itself an entry, +or passage-way to other rooms, and systems of rooms—a whole suite of +entries, in fact. Going through the house, you seem to be forever going +somewhere, and getting nowhere. It is like losing one’s self in the +woods; round and round the chimney you go, and if you arrive at all, it +is just where you started, and so you begin again, and again get +nowhere. Indeed—though I say it not in the way of faultfinding at +all—never was there so labyrinthine an abode. Guests will tarry with me +several weeks and every now and then, be anew astonished at some +unforeseen apartment. + +The puzzling nature of the mansion, resulting from the chimney, is +peculiarly noticeable in the dining-room, which has no less than nine +doors, opening in all directions, and into all sorts of places. A +stranger for the first time entering this dining-room, and naturally +taking no special heed at what door he entered, will, upon rising to +depart, commit the strangest blunders. Such, for instance, as opening +the first door that comes handy, and finding himself stealing up-stairs +by the back passage. Shutting that door, he will proceed to another, +and be aghast at the cellar yawning at his feet. Trying a third, he +surprises the housemaid at her work. In the end, no more relying on his +own unaided efforts, he procures a trusty guide in some passing person, +and in good time successfully emerges. Perhaps as curious a blunder as +any, was that of a certain stylish young gentleman, a great exquisite, +in whose judicious eyes my daughter Anna had found especial favor. He +called upon the young lady one evening, and found her alone in the +dining-room at her needlework. He stayed rather late; and after +abundance of superfine discourse, all the while retaining his hat and +cane, made his profuse adieus, and with repeated graceful bows +proceeded to depart, after the fashion of courtiers from the Queen, and +by so doing, opening a door at random, with one hand placed behind, +very effectually succeeded in backing himself into a dark pantry, where +he carefully shut himself up, wondering there was no light in the +entry. After several strange noises as of a cat among the crockery, he +reappeared through the same door, looking uncommonly crestfallen, and, +with a deeply embarrassed air, requested my daughter to designate at +which of the nine he should find exit. When the mischievous Anna told +me the story, she said it was surprising how unaffected and +matter-of-fact the young gentleman’s manner was after his reappearance. +He was more candid than ever, to be sure; having inadvertently thrust +his white kids into an open drawer of Havana sugar, under the +impression, probably, that being what they call “a sweet fellow,” his +route might possibly lie in that direction. + +Another inconvenience resulting from the chimney is, the bewilderment +of a guest in gaining his chamber, many strange doors lying between him +and it. To direct him by finger-posts would look rather queer; and just +as queer in him to be knocking at every door on his route, like +London’s city guest, the king, at Temple-Bar. + +Now, of all these things and many, many more, my family continually +complained. At last my wife came out with her sweeping proposition—in +toto to abolish the chimney. + +“What!” said I, “abolish the chimney? To take out the backbone of +anything, wife, is a hazardous affair. Spines out of backs, and +chimneys out of houses, are not to be taken like frosted lead pipes +from the ground. Besides,” added I, “the chimney is the one grand +permanence of this abode. If undisturbed by innovators, then in future +ages, when all the house shall have crumbled from it, this chimney will +still survive—a Bunker Hill monument. No, no, wife, I can’t abolish my +backbone.” + +So said I then. But who is sure of himself, especially an old man, with +both wife and daughters ever at his elbow and ear? In time, I was +persuaded to think a little better of it; in short, to take the matter +into preliminary consideration. At length it came to pass that a +master-mason—a rough sort of architect—one Mr. Scribe, was summoned to +a conference. I formally introduced him to my chimney. A previous +introduction from my wife had introduced him to myself. He had been not +a little employed by that lady, in preparing plans and estimates for +some of her extensive operations in drainage. Having, with much ado, +extorted from my spouse the promise that she would leave us to an +unmolested survey, I began by leading Mr. Scribe down to the root of +the matter, in the cellar. Lamp in hand, I descended; for though +up-stairs it was noon, below it was night. + +We seemed in the pyramids; and I, with one hand holding my lamp over +head, and with the other pointing out, in the obscurity, the hoar mass +of the chimney, seemed some Arab guide, showing the cobwebbed mausoleum +of the great god Apis. + +“This is a most remarkable structure, sir,” said the master-mason, +after long contemplating it in silence, “a most remarkable structure, +sir.” + +“Yes,” said I complacently, “every one says so.” + +“But large as it appears above the roof, I would not have inferred the +magnitude of this foundation, sir,” eyeing it critically. + +Then taking out his rule, he measured it. + +“Twelve feet square; one hundred and forty-four square feet! Sir, this +house would appear to have been built simply for the accommodation of +your chimney.” + +“Yes, my chimney and me. Tell me candidly, now,” I added, “would you +have such a famous chimney abolished?” + +“I wouldn’t have it in a house of mine, sir, for a gift,” was the +reply. “It’s a losing affair altogether, sir. Do you know, sir, that in +retaining this chimney, you are losing, not only one hundred and +forty-four square feet of good ground, but likewise a considerable +interest upon a considerable principal?” + +“How?” + +“Look, sir!” said he, taking a bit of red chalk from his pocket, and +figuring against a whitewashed wall, “twenty times eight is so and so; +then forty-two times thirty—nine is so and so—ain’t it, sir? Well, add +those together, and subtract this here, then that makes so and so,” +still chalking away. + +To be brief, after no small ciphering, Mr. Scribe informed me that my +chimney contained, I am ashamed to say how many thousand and odd +valuable bricks. + +“No more,” said I fidgeting. “Pray now, let us have a look above.” + +In that upper zone we made two more circumnavigations for the first and +second floors. That done, we stood together at the foot of the stairway +by the front door; my hand upon the knob, and Mr. Scribe hat in hand. + +“Well, sir,” said he, a sort of feeling his way, and, to help himself, +fumbling with his hat, “well, sir, I think it can be done.” + +“What, pray, Mr. Scribe; _what_ can be done?” + +“Your chimney, sir; it can without rashness be removed, I think.” + +“I will think of it, too, Mr. Scribe,” said I, turning the knob and +bowing him towards the open space without, “I will _think_ of it, sir; +it demands consideration; much obliged to ye; good morning, Mr. +Scribe.” + +“It is all arranged, then,” cried my wife with great glee, bursting +from the nighest room. + +“When will they begin?” demanded my daughter Julia. + +“To-morrow?” asked Anna. + +“Patience, patience, my dears,” said I, “such a big chimney is not to +be abolished in a minute.” + +Next morning it began again. + +“You remember the chimney,” said my wife. “Wife,” said I, “it is never +out of my house and never out of my mind.” + +“But when is Mr. Scribe to begin to pull it down?” asked Anna. + +“Not to-day, Anna,” said I. + +“_When_, then?” demanded Julia, in alarm. + +Now, if this chimney of mine was, for size, a sort of belfry, for +ding-donging at me about it, my wife and daughters were a sort of +bells, always chiming together, or taking up each other’s melodies at +every pause, my wife the key-clapper of all. A very sweet ringing, and +pealing, and chiming, I confess; but then, the most silvery of bells +may, sometimes, dismally toll, as well as merrily play. And as touching +the subject in question, it became so now. Perceiving a strange relapse +of opposition in me, wife and daughters began a soft and dirge-like, +melancholy tolling over it. + +At length my wife, getting much excited, declared to me, with pointed +finger, that so long as that chimney stood, she should regard it as the +monument of what she called my broken pledge. But finding this did not +answer, the next day, she gave me to understand that either she or the +chimney must quit the house. + +Finding matters coming to such a pass, I and my pipe philosophized over +them awhile, and finally concluded between us, that little as our +hearts went with the plan, yet for peace’ sake, I might write out the +chimney’s death-warrant, and, while my hand was in, scratch a note to +Mr. Scribe. + +Considering that I, and my chimney, and my pipe, from having been so +much together, were three great cronies, the facility with which my +pipe consented to a project so fatal to the goodliest of our trio; or +rather, the way in which I and my pipe, in secret, conspired together, +as it were, against our unsuspicious old comrade—this may seem rather +strange, if not suggestive of sad reflections upon us two. But, indeed, +we, sons of clay, that is my pipe and I, are no whit better than the +rest. Far from us, indeed, to have volunteered the betrayal of our +crony. We are of a peaceable nature, too. But that love of peace it was +which made us false to a mutual friend, as soon as his cause demanded a +vigorous vindication. But I rejoice to add, that better and braver +thoughts soon returned, as will now briefly be set forth. + +To my note, Mr. Scribe replied in person. + +Once more we made a survey, mainly now with a view to a pecuniary +estimate. + +“I will do it for five hundred dollars,” said Mr. Scribe at last, again +hat in hand. + +“Very well, Mr. Scribe, I will think of it,” replied I, again bowing +him to the door. + +Not unvexed by this, for the second time, unexpected response, again he +withdrew, and from my wife, and daughters again burst the old +exclamations. + +The truth is, resolve how I would, at the last pinch I and my chimney +could not be parted. + +“So Holofernes will have his way, never mind whose heart breaks for +it,” said my wife next morning, at breakfast, in that half-didactic, +half-reproachful way of hers, which is harder to bear than her most +energetic assault. Holofernes, too, is with her a pet name for any fell +domestic despot. So, whenever, against her most ambitious innovations, +those which saw me quite across the grain, I, as in the present +instance, stand with however little steadfastness on the defence, she +is sure to call me Holofernes, and ten to one takes the first +opportunity to read aloud, with a suppressed emphasis, of an evening, +the first newspaper paragraph about some tyrannic day-laborer, who, +after being for many years the Caligula of his family, ends by beating +his long-suffering spouse to death, with a garret door wrenched off its +hinges, and then, pitching his little innocents out of the window, +suicidally turns inward towards the broken wall scored with the +butcher’s and baker’s bills, and so rushes headlong to his dreadful +account. + +Nevertheless, for a few days, not a little to my surprise, I heard no +further reproaches. An intense calm pervaded my wife, but beneath +which, as in the sea, there was no knowing what portentous movements +might be going on. She frequently went abroad, and in a direction which +I thought not unsuspicious; namely, in the direction of New Petra, a +griffin-like house of wood and stucco, in the highest style of +ornamental art, graced with four chimneys in the form of erect dragons +spouting smoke from their nostrils; the elegant modern residence of Mr. +Scribe, which he had built for the purpose of a standing advertisement, +not more of his taste as an architect, than his solidity as a +master-mason. + +At last, smoking my pipe one morning, I heard a rap at the door, and my +wife, with an air unusually quiet for her brought me a note. As I have +no correspondents except Solomon, with whom, in his sentiments, at +least, I entirely correspond, the note occasioned me some little +surprise, which was not diminished upon reading the following:— + +NEW PETRA, April 1st. + + +SIR—During my last examination of your chimney, possibly you may have +noted that I frequently applied my rule to it in a manner apparently +unnecessary. Possibly also, at the same time, you might have observed +in me more or less of perplexity, to which, however, I refrained from +giving any verbal expression. + +I now feel it obligatory upon me to inform you of what was then but a +dim suspicion, and as such would have been unwise to give utterance to, +but which now, from various subsequent calculations assuming no little +probability, it may be important that you should not remain in further +ignorance of. + +It is my solemn duty to warn you, sir, that there is architectural +cause to conjecture that somewhere concealed in your chimney is a +reserved space, hermetically closed, in short, a secret chamber, or +rather closet. How long it has been there, it is for me impossible to +say. What it contains is hid, with itself, in darkness. But probably a +secret closet would not have been contrived except for some +extraordinary object, whether for the concealment of treasure, or what +other purpose, may be left to those better acquainted with the history +of the house to guess. + +But enough: in making this disclosure, sir, my conscience is eased. +Whatever step you choose to take upon it, is of course a matter of +indifference to me; though, I confess, as respects the character of the +closet, I cannot but share in a natural curiosity. Trusting that you +may be guided aright, in determining whether it is Christian-like +knowingly to reside in a house, hidden in which is a secret closet, + + +I remain, +With much respect, +Yours very humbly, +HIRAM SCRIBE. + + +My first thought upon reading this note was, not of the alleged mystery +of manner to which, at the outset, it alluded-for none such had I at +all observed in the master-mason during his surveys—but of my late +kinsman, Captain Julian Dacres, long a ship-master and merchant in the +Indian trade, who, about thirty years ago, and at the ripe age of +ninety, died a bachelor, and in this very house, which he had built. He +was supposed to have retired into this country with a large fortune. +But to the general surprise, after being at great cost in building +himself this mansion, he settled down into a sedate, reserved, and +inexpensive old age, which by the neighbors was thought all the better +for his heirs: but lo! upon opening the will, his property was found to +consist but of the house and grounds, and some ten thousand dollars in +stocks; but the place, being found heavily mortgaged, was in +consequence sold. Gossip had its day, and left the grass quietly to +creep over the captain’s grave, where he still slumbers in a privacy as +unmolested as if the billows of the Indian Ocean, instead of the +billows of inland verdure, rolled over him. Still, I remembered long +ago, hearing strange solutions whispered by the country people for the +mystery involving his will, and, by reflex, himself; and that, too, as +well in conscience as purse. But people who could circulate the report +(which they did), that Captain Julian Dacres had, in his day, been a +Borneo pirate, surely were not worthy of credence in their collateral +notions. It is queer what wild whimsies of rumors will, like +toadstools, spring up about any eccentric stranger, who, settling down +among a rustic population, keeps quietly to himself. With some, +inoffensiveness would seem a prime cause of offense. But what chiefly +had led me to scout at these rumors, particularly as referring to +concealed treasure, was the circumstance, that the stranger (the same +who razeed the roof and the chimney) into whose hands the estate had +passed on my kinsman’s death, was of that sort of character, that had +there been the least ground for those reports, he would speedily have +tested them, by tearing down and rummaging the walls. + +Nevertheless, the note of Mr. Scribe, so strangely recalling the memory +of my kinsman, very naturally chimed in with what had been mysterious, +or at least unexplained, about him; vague flashings of ingots united in +my mind with vague gleamings of skulls. But the first cool thought soon +dismissed such chimeras; and, with a calm smile, I turned towards my +wife, who, meantime, had been sitting nearby, impatient enough, I dare +say, to know who could have taken it into his head to write me a +letter. + +“Well, old man,” said she, “who is it from, and what is it about?” + +“Read it, wife,” said I, handing it. + +Read it she did, and then—such an explosion! I will not pretend to +describe her emotions, or repeat her expressions. Enough that my +daughters were quickly called in to share the excitement. Although they +had never before dreamed of such a revelation as Mr. Scribe’s; yet upon +the first suggestion they instinctively saw the extreme likelihood of +it. In corroboration, they cited first my kinsman, and second, my +chimney; alleging that the profound mystery involving the former, and +the equally profound masonry involving the latter, though both +acknowledged facts, were alike preposterous on any other supposition +than the secret closet. + +But all this time I was quietly thinking to myself: Could it be hidden +from me that my credulity in this instance would operate very favorably +to a certain plan of theirs? How to get to the secret closet, or how to +have any certainty about it at all, without making such fell work with +the chimney as to render its set destruction superfluous? That my wife +wished to get rid of the chimney, it needed no reflection to show; and +that Mr. Scribe, for all his pretended disinterestedness, was not +opposed to pocketing five hundred dollars by the operation, seemed +equally evident. That my wife had, in secret, laid heads together with +Mr. Scribe, I at present refrain from affirming. But when I consider +her enmity against my chimney, and the steadiness with which at the +last she is wont to carry out her schemes, if by hook or by crook she +can, especially after having been once baffled, why, I scarcely knew at +what step of hers to be surprised. + +Of one thing only was I resolved, that I and my chimney should not +budge. + +In vain all protests. Next morning I went out into the road, where I +had noticed a diabolical-looking old gander, that, for its doughty +exploits in the way of scratching into forbidden inclosures, had been +rewarded by its master with a portentous, four-pronged, wooden +decoration, in the shape of a collar of the Order of the Garotte. This +gander I cornered and rummaging out its stiffest quill, plucked it, +took it home, and making a stiff pen, inscribed the following stiff +note: + +CHIMNEY SIDE, April 2. + + +_Mr. Scribe._ + +SIR:—For your conjecture, we return you our joint thanks and +compliments, and beg leave to assure you, that + + +We shall remain, +Very faithfully, +The same, +I AND MY CHIMNEY. + + +Of course, for this epistle we had to endure some pretty sharp raps. +But having at last explicitly understood from me that Mr. Scribe’s note +had not altered my mind one jot, my wife, to move me, among other +things said, that if she remembered aright, there was a statute placing +the keeping in private houses of secret closets on the same unlawful +footing with the keeping of gunpowder. But it had no effect. + +A few days after, my spouse changed her key. + +It was nearly midnight, and all were in bed but ourselves, who sat up, +one in each chimney-corner; she, needles in hand, indefatigably +knitting a sock; I, pipe in mouth, indolently weaving my vapors. + +It was one of the first of the chill nights in autumn. There was a fire +on the hearth, burning low. The air without was torpid and heavy; the +wood, by an oversight, of the sort called soggy. + +“Do look at the chimney,” she began; “can’t you see that something must +be in it?” + +“Yes, wife. Truly there is smoke in the chimney, as in Mr. Scribe’s +note.” + +“Smoke? Yes, indeed, and in my eyes, too. How you two wicked old +sinners do smoke!—this wicked old chimney and you.” + +“Wife,” said I, “I and my chimney like to have a quiet smoke together, +it is true, but we don’t like to be called names.” + +“Now, dear old man,” said she, softening down, and a little shifting +the subject, “when you think of that old kinsman of yours, you _know_ +there must be a secret closet in this chimney.” + +“Secret ash-hole, wife, why don’t you have it? Yes, I dare say there is +a secret ash-hole in the chimney; for where do all the ashes go to that +we drop down the queer hole yonder?” + +“I know where they go to; I’ve been there almost as many times as the +cat.” + +“What devil, wife, prompted you to crawl into the ash-hole? Don’t you +know that St. Dunstan’s devil emerged from the ash-hole? You will get +your death one of these days, exploring all about as you do. But +supposing there be a secret closet, what then?” + +“What then? why what should be in a secret closet but—” + +“Dry bones, wife,” broke in I with a puff, while the sociable old +chimney broke in with another. + +“There again! Oh, how this wretched old chimney smokes,” wiping her +eyes with her handkerchief. “I’ve no doubt the reason it smokes so is, +because that secret closet interferes with the flue. Do see, too, how +the jambs here keep settling; and it’s down hill all the way from the +door to this hearth. This horrid old chimney will fall on our heads +yet; depend upon it, old man.” + +“Yes, wife, I do depend on it; yes indeed, I place every dependence on +my chimney. As for its settling, I like it. I, too, am settling, you +know, in my gait. I and my chimney are settling together, and shall +keep settling, too, till, as in a great feather-bed, we shall both have +settled away clean out of sight. But this secret oven; I mean, secret +closet of yours, wife; where exactly do you suppose that secret closet +is?” + +“That is for Mr. Scribe to say.” + +“But suppose he cannot say exactly; what, then?” + +“Why then he can prove, I am sure, that it must be somewhere or other +in this horrid old chimney.” + +“And if he can’t prove that; what, then?” + +“Why then, old man,” with a stately air, “I shall say little more about +it.” + +“Agreed, wife,” returned I, knocking my pipe-bowl against the jamb, +“and now, to-morrow, I will for a third time send for Mr. Scribe. Wife, +the sciatica takes me; be so good as to put this pipe on the mantel.” + +“If you get the step-ladder for me, I will. This shocking old chimney, +this abominable old-fashioned old chimney’s mantels are so high, I +can’t reach them.” + +No opportunity, however trivial, was overlooked for a subordinate fling +at the pile. + +Here, by way of introduction, it should be mentioned, that besides the +fireplaces all round it, the chimney was, in the most haphazard way, +excavated on each floor for certain curious out-of-the-way cupboards +and closets, of all sorts and sizes, clinging here and there, like +nests in the crotches of some old oak. On the second floor these +closets were by far the most irregular and numerous. And yet this +should hardly have been so, since the theory of the chimney was, that +it pyramidically diminished as it ascended. The abridgment of its +square on the roof was obvious enough; and it was supposed that the +reduction must be methodically graduated from bottom to top. + +“Mr. Scribe,” said I when, the next day, with an eager aspect, that +individual again came, “my object in sending for you this morning is, +not to arrange for the demolition of my chimney, nor to have any +particular conversation about it, but simply to allow you every +reasonable facility for verifying, if you can, the conjecture +communicated in your note.” + +Though in secret not a little crestfallen, it may be, by my phlegmatic +reception, so different from what he had looked for; with much apparent +alacrity he commenced the survey; throwing open the cupboards on the +first floor, and peering into the closets on the second; measuring one +within, and then comparing that measurement with the measurement +without. Removing the fireboards, he would gaze up the flues. But no +sign of the hidden work yet. + +Now, on the second floor the rooms were the most rambling conceivable. +They, as it were, dovetailed into each other. They were of all shapes; +not one mathematically square room among them all—a peculiarity which +by the master-mason had not been unobserved. With a significant, not to +say portentous expression, he took a circuit of the chimney, measuring +the area of each room around it; then going down stairs, and out of +doors, he measured the entire ground area; then compared the sum total +of all the areas of all the rooms on the second floor with the ground +area; then, returning to me in no small excitement, announced that +there was a difference of no less than two hundred and odd square +feet—room enough, in all conscience, for a secret closet. + +“But, Mr. Scribe,” said I, stroking my chin, “have you allowed for the +walls, both main and sectional? They take up some space, you know.” + +“Ah, I had forgotten that,” tapping his forehead; “but,” still +ciphering on his paper, “that will not make up the deficiency.” + +“But, Mr. Scribe, have you allowed for the recesses of so many +fireplaces on a floor, and for the fire-walls, and the flues; in short, +Mr. Scribe, have you allowed for the legitimate chimney itself—some one +hundred and forty-four square feet or thereabouts, Mr. Scribe?” + +“How unaccountable. That slipped my mind, too.” + +“Did it, indeed, Mr. Scribe?” + +He faltered a little, and burst forth with, “But we must now allow one +hundred and forty-four square feet for the legitimate chimney. My +position is, that within those undue limits the secret closet is +contained.” + +I eyed him in silence a moment; then spoke: + +“Your survey is concluded, Mr. Scribe; be so good now as to lay your +finger upon the exact part of the chimney wall where you believe this +secret closet to be; or would a witch-hazel wand assist you, Mr. +Scribe?” + +“No, Sir, but a crowbar would,” he, with temper, rejoined. + +Here, now, thought I to myself, the cat leaps out of the bag. I looked +at him with a calm glance, under which he seemed somewhat uneasy. More +than ever now I suspected a plot. I remembered what my wife had said +about abiding by the decision of Mr. Scribe. In a bland way, I resolved +to buy up the decision of Mr. Scribe. + +“Sir,” said I, “really, I am much obliged to you for this survey. It +has quite set my mind at rest. And no doubt you, too, Mr. Scribe, must +feel much relieved. Sir,” I added, “you have made three visits to the +chimney. With a business man, time is money. Here are fifty dollars, +Mr. Scribe. Nay, take it. You have earned it. Your opinion is worth it. +And by the way,”—as he modestly received the money—“have you any +objections to give me a—a—little certificate—something, say, like a +steamboat certificate, certifying that you, a competent surveyor, have +surveyed my chimney, and found no reason to believe any unsoundness; in +short, any—any secret closet in it. Would you be so kind, Mr. Scribe?” + +“But, but, sir,” stammered he with honest hesitation. + +“Here, here are pen and paper,” said I, with entire assurance. + +Enough. + +That evening I had the certificate framed and hung over the dining-room +fireplace, trusting that the continual sight of it would forever put at +rest at once the dreams and stratagems of my household. + +But, no. Inveterately bent upon the extirpation of that noble old +chimney, still to this day my wife goes about it, with my daughter +Anna’s geological hammer, tapping the wall all over, and then holding +her ear against it, as I have seen the physicians of life insurance +companies tap a man’s chest, and then incline over for the echo. +Sometimes of nights she almost frightens one, going about on this +phantom errand, and still following the sepulchral response of the +chimney, round and round, as if it were leading her to the threshold of +the secret closet. + +“How hollow it sounds,” she will hollowly cry. “Yes, I declare,” with +an emphatic tap, “there is a secret closet here. Here, in this very +spot. Hark! How hollow!” + +“Psha! wife, of course it is hollow. Who ever heard of a solid +chimney?” But nothing avails. And my daughters take after, not me, but +their mother. + +Sometimes all three abandon the theory of the secret closet and return +to the genuine ground of attack—the unsightliness of so cumbrous a +pile, with comments upon the great addition of room to be gained by its +demolition, and the fine effect of the projected grand hall, and the +convenience resulting from the collateral running in one direction and +another of their various partitions. Not more ruthlessly did the Three +Powers partition away poor Poland, than my wife and daughters would +fain partition away my chimney. + +But seeing that, despite all, I and my chimney still smoke our pipes, +my wife reoccupies the ground of the secret closet, enlarging upon what +wonders are there, and what a shame it is, not to seek it out and +explore it. + +“Wife,” said I, upon one of these occasions, “why speak more of that +secret closet, when there before you hangs contrary testimony of a +master mason, elected by yourself to decide. Besides, even if there +were a secret closet, secret it should remain, and secret it shall. +Yes, wife, here for once I must say my say. Infinite sad mischief has +resulted from the profane bursting open of secret recesses. Though +standing in the heart of this house, though hitherto we have all +nestled about it, unsuspicious of aught hidden within, this chimney may +or may not have a secret closet. But if it have, it is my kinsman’s. To +break into that wall, would be to break into his breast. And that +wall-breaking wish of Momus I account the wish of a churchrobbing +gossip and knave. Yes, wife, a vile eavesdropping varlet was Momus.” + +“Moses? Mumps? Stuff with your mumps and your Moses!” + +The truth is, my wife, like all the rest of the world, cares not a fig +for my philosophical jabber. In dearth of other philosophical +companionship, I and my chimney have to smoke and philosophize +together. And sitting up so late as we do at it, a mighty smoke it is +that we two smoky old philosophers make. + +But my spouse, who likes the smoke of my tobacco as little as she does +that of the soot, carries on her war against both. I live in continual +dread lest, like the golden bowl, the pipes of me and my chimney shall +yet be broken. To stay that mad project of my wife’s, naught answers. +Or, rather, she herself is incessantly answering, incessantly besetting +me with her terrible alacrity for improvement, which is a softer name +for destruction. Scarce a day I do not find her with her tape-measure, +measuring for her grand hall, while Anna holds a yardstick on one side, +and Julia looks approvingly on from the other. Mysterious intimations +appear in the nearest village paper, signed “Claude,” to the effect +that a certain structure, standing on a certain hill, is a sad blemish +to an otherwise lovely landscape. Anonymous letters arrive, threatening +me with I know not what, unless I remove my chimney. Is it my wife, +too, or who, that sets up the neighbors to badgering me on the same +subject, and hinting to me that my chimney, like a huge elm, absorbs +all moisture from my garden? At night, also, my wife will start as from +sleep, professing to hear ghostly noises from the secret closet. +Assailed on all sides, and in all ways, small peace have I and my +chimney. + +Were it not for the baggage, we would together pack up, and remove from +the country. + +What narrow escapes have been ours! Once I found in a drawer a whole +portfolio of plans and estimates. Another time, upon returning after a +day’s absence, I discovered my wife standing before the chimney in +earnest conversation with a person whom I at once recognized as a +meddlesome architectural reformer, who, because he had no gift for +putting up anything, was ever intent upon pulling them down; in various +parts of the country having prevailed upon half-witted old folks to +destroy their old-fashioned houses, particularly the chimneys. + +But worst of all was, that time I unexpectedly returned at early +morning from a visit to the city, and upon approaching the house, +narrowly escaped three brickbats which fell, from high aloft, at my +feet. Glancing up, what was my horror to see three savages, in blue +jean overalls, in the very act of commencing the long-threatened +attack. Aye, indeed, thinking of those three brickbats, I and my +chimney have had narrow escapes. + +It is now some seven years since I have stirred from home. My city +friends all wonder why I don’t come to see them, as in former times. +They think I am getting sour and unsocial. Some say that I have become +a sort of mossy old misanthrope, while all the time the fact is, I am +simply standing guard over my mossy old chimney; for it is resolved +between me and my chimney, that I and my chimney will never surrender. + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK I AND MY CHIMNEY *** + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the +United States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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