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diff --git a/old/2694.txt b/old/2694.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2006d5c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/2694.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1564 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of I and My Chimney, by Herman Melville + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: I and My Chimney + +Author: Herman Melville + +Posting Date: December 11, 2008 [EBook #2694] +Release Date: July, 2001 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK I AND MY CHIMNEY *** + + + + +Produced by Stephan J. Macaluso + + + + + +I AND MY CHIMNEY + +By Herman Melville + + + +I and my chimney, two grey-headed old smokers, reside in the country. +We are, I may say, old settlers here; particularly my old chimney, which +settles more and more every day. + +Though I always say, I AND MY CHIMNEY, as Cardinal Wolsey used to say, +"I AND MY KING," yet this egotistic way of speaking, wherein I +take precedence of my chimney, is hereby borne out by the facts; in +everything, except the above phrase, my chimney taking precedence of me. + +Within thirty feet of the turf-sided road, my chimney--a huge, corpulent +old Harry VIII of a chimney--rises full in front of me and all my +possessions. Standing well up a hillside, my chimney, like Lord Rosse's +monster telescope, swung vertical to hit the meridian moon, is the first +object to greet the approaching traveler's eye, nor is it the last +which the sun salutes. My chimney, too, is before me in receiving the +first-fruits of the seasons. The snow is on its head ere on my hat; and +every spring, as in a hollow beech tree, the first swallows build their +nests in it. + +But it is within doors that the pre-eminence of my chimney is most +manifest. When in the rear room, set apart for that object, I stand +to receive my guests (who, by the way call more, I suspect, to see +my chimney than me) I then stand, not so much before, as, strictly +speaking, behind my chimney, which is, indeed, the true host. Not that I +demur. In the presence of my betters, I hope I know my place. + +From this habitual precedence of my chimney over me, some even think +that I have got into a sad rearward way altogether; in short, from +standing behind my old-fashioned chimney so much, I have got to be quite +behind the age too, as well as running behindhand in everything else. +But to tell the truth, I never was a very forward old fellow, nor what +my farming neighbors call a forehanded one. Indeed, those rumors about +my behindhandedness are so far correct, that I have an odd sauntering +way with me sometimes of going about with my hands behind my back. As +for my belonging to the rear-guard in general, certain it is, I bring up +the rear of my chimney--which, by the way, is this moment before me--and +that, too, both in fancy and fact. In brief, my chimney is my superior; +my superior, too, in that humbly bowing over with shovel and tongs, I +much minister to it; yet never does it minister, or incline over to me; +but, if anything, in its settlings, rather leans the other way. + +My chimney is grand seignior here--the one great domineering object, not +more of the landscape, than of the house; all the rest of which house, +in each architectural arrangement, as may shortly appear, is, in the +most marked manner, accommodated, not to my wants, but to my chimney's, +which, among other things, has the centre of the house to himself, +leaving but the odd holes and corners to me. + +But I and my chimney must explain; and as we are both rather obese, we +may have to expatiate. + +In those houses which are strictly double houses--that is, where the +hall is in the middle--the fireplaces usually are on opposite sides; +so that while one member of the household is warming himself at a fire +built into a recess of the north wall, say another member, the former's +own brother, perhaps, may be holding his feet to the blaze before a +hearth in the south wall--the two thus fairly sitting back to back. Is +this well? Be it put to any man who has a proper fraternal feeling. +Has it not a sort of sulky appearance? But very probably this style +of chimney building originated with some architect afflicted with a +quarrelsome family. + +Then again, almost every modern fireplace has its separate flue--separate +throughout, from hearth to chimney-top. At least such an arrangement +is deemed desirable. Does not this look egotistical, selfish? But still +more, all these separate flues, instead of having independent masonry +establishments of their own, or instead of being grouped together in one +federal stock in the middle of the house--instead of this, I say, each +flue is surreptitiously honey-combed into the walls; so that these last +are here and there, or indeed almost anywhere, treacherously hollow, +and, in consequence, more or less weak. Of course, the main reason of +this style of chimney building is to economize room. In cities, where +lots are sold by the inch, small space is to spare for a chimney +constructed on magnanimous principles; and, as with most thin men, who +are generally tall, so with such houses, what is lacking in breadth, +must be made up in height. This remark holds true even with regard to +many very stylish abodes, built by the most stylish of gentlemen. And +yet, when that stylish gentleman, Louis le Grand of France, would build +a palace for his lady, friend, Madame de Maintenon, he built it but +one story high--in fact in the cottage style. But then, how uncommonly +quadrangular, spacious, and broad--horizontal acres, not vertical +ones. Such is the palace, which, in all its one-storied magnificence +of Languedoc marble, in the garden of Versailles, still remains to this +day. Any man can buy a square foot of land and plant a liberty-pole on +it; but it takes a king to set apart whole acres for a grand triannon. + +But nowadays it is different; and furthermore, what originated in a +necessity has been mounted into a vaunt. In towns there is large rivalry +in building tall houses. If one gentleman builds his house four stories +high, and another gentleman comes next door and builds five stories +high, then the former, not to be looked down upon that way, immediately +sends for his architect and claps a fifth and a sixth story on top +of his previous four. And, not till the gentleman has achieved his +aspiration, not till he has stolen over the way by twilight and observed +how his sixth story soars beyond his neighbor's fifth--not till then +does he retire to his rest with satisfaction. + +Such folks, it seems to me, need mountains for neighbors, to take this +emulous conceit of soaring out of them. + +If, considering that mine is a very wide house, and by no means lofty, +aught in the above may appear like interested pleading, as if I did but +fold myself about in the cloak of a general proposition, cunningly to +tickle my individual vanity beneath it, such misconception must vanish +upon my frankly conceding, that land adjoining my alder swamp was sold +last month for ten dollars an acre, and thought a rash purchase at that; +so that for wide houses hereabouts there is plenty of room, and cheap. +Indeed so cheap--dirt cheap--is the soil, that our elms thrust out their +roots in it, and hang their great boughs over it, in the most lavish and +reckless way. Almost all our crops, too, are sown broadcast, even peas +and turnips. A farmer among us, who should go about his twenty-acre +field, poking his finger into it here and there, and dropping down a +mustard seed, would be thought a penurious, narrow-minded husbandman. +The dandelions in the river-meadows, and the forget-me-nots along the +mountain roads, you see at once they are put to no economy in space. +Some seasons, too, our rye comes up here and there a spear, sole and +single like a church-spire. It doesn't care to crowd itself where it +knows there is such a deal of room. The world is wide, the world is all +before us, says the rye. Weeds, too, it is amazing how they spread. +No such thing as arresting them--some of our pastures being a sort +of Alsatia for the weeds. As for the grass, every spring it is like +Kossuth's rising of what he calls the peoples. Mountains, too, a regular +camp-meeting of them. For the same reason, the same all-sufficiency of +room, our shadows march and countermarch, going through their various +drills and masterly evolutions, like the old imperial guard on the +Champs de Mars. As for the hills, especially where the roads cross them +the supervisors of our various towns have given notice to all concerned, +that they can come and dig them down and cart them off, and never a +cent to pay, no more than for the privilege of picking blackberries. +The stranger who is buried here, what liberal-hearted landed proprietor +among us grudges him six feet of rocky pasture? + +Nevertheless, cheap, after all, as our land is, and much as it is +trodden under foot, I, for one, am proud of it for what it bears; and +chiefly for its three great lions--the Great Oak, Ogg Mountain, and my +chimney. + +Most houses, here, are but one and a half stories high; few exceed +two. That in which I and my chimney dwell, is in width nearly twice its +height, from sill to eaves--which accounts for the magnitude of its +main content--besides showing that in this house, as in this country at +large, there is abundance of space, and to spare, for both of us. + +The frame of the old house is of wood--which but the more sets forth +the solidity of the chimney, which is of brick. And as the great wrought +nails, binding the clapboards, are unknown in these degenerate days, so +are the huge bricks in the chimney walls. The architect of the chimney +must have had the pyramid of Cheops before him; for, after that famous +structure, it seems modeled, only its rate of decrease towards the +summit is considerably less, and it is truncated. From the exact +middle of the mansion it soars from the cellar, right up through each +successive floor, till, four feet square, it breaks water from the +ridge-pole of the roof, like an anvil-headed whale, through the crest +of a billow. Most people, though, liken it, in that part, to a razed +observatory, masoned up. + +The reason for its peculiar appearance above the roof touches upon +rather delicate ground. How shall I reveal that, forasmuch as many years +ago the original gable roof of the old house had become very leaky, a +temporary proprietor hired a band of woodmen, with their huge, cross-cut +saws, and went to sawing the old gable roof clean off. Off it went, with +all its birds' nests, and dormer windows. It was replaced with a modern +roof, more fit for a railway wood-house than an old country gentleman's +abode. This operation--razeeing the structure some fifteen feet--was, in +effect upon the chimney, something like the falling of the great spring +tides. It left uncommon low water all about the chimney--to abate which +appearance, the same person now proceeds to slice fifteen feet off the +chimney itself, actually beheading my royal old chimney--a regicidal +act, which, were it not for the palliating fact that he was a poulterer +by trade, and, therefore, hardened to such neck-wringings, should send +that former proprietor down to posterity in the same cart with Cromwell. + +Owing to its pyramidal shape, the reduction of the chimney inordinately +widened its razeed summit. Inordinately, I say, but only in the +estimation of such as have no eye to the picturesque. What care I, if, +unaware that my chimney, as a free citizen of this free land, stands +upon an independent basis of its own, people passing it, wonder how +such a brick-kiln, as they call it, is supported upon mere joists and +rafters? What care I? I will give a traveler a cup of switchel, if +he want it; but am I bound to supply him with a sweet taste? Men +of cultivated minds see, in my old house and chimney, a goodly old +elephant-and-castle. + +All feeling hearts will sympathize with me in what I am now about to +add. The surgical operation, above referred to, necessarily brought into +the open air a part of the chimney previously under cover, and +intended to remain so, and, therefore, not built of what are called +weather-bricks. In consequence, the chimney, though of a vigorous +constitution, suffered not a little, from so naked an exposure; and, +unable to acclimate itself, ere long began to fail--showing blotchy +symptoms akin to those in measles. Whereupon travelers, passing my way, +would wag their heads, laughing; "See that wax nose--how it melts off!" +But what cared I? The same travelers would travel across the sea to view +Kenilworth peeling away, and for a very good reason: that of all artists +of the picturesque, decay wears the palm--I would say, the ivy. In fact, +I've often thought that the proper place for my old chimney is ivied old +England. + +In vain my wife--with what probable ulterior intent will, ere long, +appear--solemnly warned me, that unless something were done, and +speedily, we should be burnt to the ground, owing to the holes crumbling +through the aforesaid blotchy parts, where the chimney joined the roof. +"Wife," said I, "far better that my house should burn down, than that my +chimney should be pulled down, though but a few feet. They call it a wax +nose; very good; not for me to tweak the nose of my superior." But +at last the man who has a mortgage on the house dropped me a note, +reminding me that, if my chimney was allowed to stand in that invalid +condition, my policy of insurance would be void. This was a sort of hint +not to be neglected. All the world over, the picturesque yields to the +pocketesque. The mortgagor cared not, but the mortgagee did. + +So another operation was performed. The wax nose was taken off, and a +new one fitted on. Unfortunately for the expression--being put up by +a squint-eyed mason, who, at the time, had a bad stitch in the same +side--the new nose stands a little awry, in the same direction. + +Of one thing, however, I am proud. The horizontal dimensions of the new +part are unreduced. + +Large as the chimney appears upon the roof, that is nothing to its +spaciousness below. At its base in the cellar, it is precisely twelve +feet square; and hence covers precisely one hundred and forty-four +superficial feet. What an appropriation of terra firma for a chimney, +and what a huge load for this earth! In fact, it was only because I +and my chimney formed no part of his ancient burden, that that stout +peddler, Atlas of old, was enabled to stand up so bravely under his +pack. The dimensions given may, perhaps, seem fabulous. But, like those +stones at Gilgal, which Joshua set up for a memorial of having passed +over Jordan, does not my chimney remain, even unto this day? + +Very often I go down into my cellar, and attentively survey that vast +square of masonry. I stand long, and ponder over, and wonder at it. It +has a druidical look, away down in the umbrageous cellar there whose +numerous vaulted passages, and far glens of gloom, resemble the dark, +damp depths of primeval woods. So strongly did this conceit steal over +me, so deeply was I penetrated with wonder at the chimney, that one +day--when I was a little out of my mind, I now think--getting a spade +from the garden, I set to work, digging round the foundation, especially +at the corners thereof, obscurely prompted by dreams of striking upon +some old, earthen-worn memorial of that by-gone day, when, into all +this gloom, the light of heaven entered, as the masons laid the +foundation-stones, peradventure sweltering under an August sun, or +pelted by a March storm. Plying my blunted spade, how vexed was I by +that ungracious interruption of a neighbor who, calling to see me upon +some business, and being informed that I was below said I need not +be troubled to come up, but he would go down to me; and so, without +ceremony, and without my having been forewarned, suddenly discovered me, +digging in my cellar. + +"Gold digging, sir?" + +"Nay, sir," answered I, starting, "I was merely--ahem!--merely--I say I +was merely digging-round my chimney." + +"Ah, loosening the soil, to make it grow. Your chimney, sir, you regard +as too small, I suppose; needing further development, especially at the +top?" + +"Sir!" said I, throwing down the spade, "do not be personal. I and my +chimney--" + +"Personal?" + +"Sir, I look upon this chimney less as a pile of masonry than as a +personage. It is the king of the house. I am but a suffered and inferior +subject." + +In fact, I would permit no gibes to be cast at either myself or my +chimney; and never again did my visitor refer to it in my hearing, +without coupling some compliment with the mention. It well deserves a +respectful consideration. There it stands, solitary and alone--not a +council--of ten flues, but, like his sacred majesty of Russia, a unit of +an autocrat. + +Even to me, its dimensions, at times, seem incredible. It does not look +so big--no, not even in the cellar. By the mere eye, its magnitude can +be but imperfectly comprehended, because only one side can be received +at one time; and said side can only present twelve feet, linear measure. +But then, each other side also is twelve feet long; and the whole +obviously forms a square and twelve times twelve is one hundred and +forty-four. And so, an adequate conception of the magnitude of this +chimney is only to be got at by a sort of process in the higher +mathematics by a method somewhat akin to those whereby the surprising +distances of fixed stars are computed. + +It need hardly be said, that the walls of my house are entirely free +from fireplaces. These all congregate in the middle--in the one grand +central chimney, upon all four sides of which are hearths--two tiers of +hearths--so that when, in the various chambers, my family and guests are +warming themselves of a cold winter's night, just before retiring, then, +though at the time they may not be thinking so, all their faces mutually +look towards each other, yea, all their feet point to one centre; and, +when they go to sleep in their beds, they all sleep round one warm +chimney, like so many Iroquois Indians, in the woods, round their one +heap of embers. And just as the Indians' fire serves, not only to +keep them comfortable, but also to keep off wolves, and other savage +monsters, so my chimney, by its obvious smoke at top, keeps off prowling +burglars from the towns--for what burglar or murderer would dare +break into an abode from whose chimney issues such a continual +smoke--betokening that if the inmates are not stirring, at least fires +are, and in case of an alarm, candles may readily be lighted, to say +nothing of muskets. + +But stately as is the chimney--yea, grand high altar as it is, right +worthy for the celebration of high mass before the Pope of Rome, and +all his cardinals--yet what is there perfect in this world? Caius Julius +Caesar, had he not been so inordinately great, they say that Brutus, +Cassius, Antony, and the rest, had been greater. My chimney, were it not +so mighty in its magnitude, my chambers had been larger. How often has +my wife ruefully told me, that my chimney, like the English aristocracy, +casts a contracting shade all round it. She avers that endless domestic +inconveniences arise--more particularly from the chimney's stubborn +central locality. The grand objection with her is, that it stands midway +in the place where a fine entrance-hall ought to be. In truth, there +is no hall whatever to the house--nothing but a sort of square +landing-place, as you enter from the wide front door. A roomy enough +landing-place, I admit, but not attaining to the dignity of a hall. Now, +as the front door is precisely in the middle of the front of the +house, inwards it faces the chimney. In fact, the opposite wall of the +landing-place is formed solely by the chimney; and hence-owing to the +gradual tapering of the chimney--is a little less than twelve feet +in width. Climbing the chimney in this part, is the principal +staircase--which, by three abrupt turns, and three minor landing-places, +mounts to the second floor, where, over the front door, runs a sort +of narrow gallery, something less than twelve feet long, leading to +chambers on either hand. This gallery, of course, is railed; and so, +looking down upon the stairs, and all those landing-places together, +with the main one at bottom, resembles not a little a balcony for +musicians, in some jolly old abode, in times Elizabethan. Shall I tell +a weakness? I cherish the cobwebs there, and many a time arrest Biddy in +the act of brushing them with her broom, and have many a quarrel with my +wife and daughters about it. + +Now the ceiling, so to speak, of the place where you enter the house, +that ceiling is, in fact, the ceiling of the second floor, not the +first. The two floors are made one here; so that ascending this turning +stairs, you seem going up into a kind of soaring tower, or lighthouse. +At the second landing, midway up the chimney, is a mysterious door, +entering to a mysterious closet; and here I keep mysterious cordials, +of a choice, mysterious flavor, made so by the constant nurturing and +subtle ripening of the chimney's gentle heat, distilled through that +warm mass of masonry. Better for wines is it than voyages to the Indias; +my chimney itself a tropic. A chair by my chimney in a November day is +as good for an invalid as a long season spent in Cuba. Often I think +how grapes might ripen against my chimney. How my wife's geraniums bud +there! Bud in December. Her eggs, too--can't keep them near the chimney, +an account of the hatching. Ah, a warm heart has my chimney. + +How often my wife was at me about that projected grand entrance-hall of +hers, which was to be knocked clean through the chimney, from one end +of the house to the other, and astonish all guests by its generous +amplitude. "But, wife," said I, "the chimney--consider the chimney: if +you demolish the foundation, what is to support the superstructure?" +"Oh, that will rest on the second floor." The truth is, women know next +to nothing about the realities of architecture. However, my wife still +talked of running her entries and partitions. She spent many long nights +elaborating her plans; in imagination building her boasted hall +through the chimney, as though its high mightiness were a mere spear +of sorrel-top. At last, I gently reminded her that, little as she might +fancy it, the chimney was a fact--a sober, substantial fact, which, in +all her plannings, it would be well to take into full consideration. But +this was not of much avail. + +And here, respectfully craving her permission, I must say a few words +about this enterprising wife of mine. Though in years nearly old as +myself, in spirit she is young as my little sorrel mare, Trigger, +that threw me last fall. What is extraordinary, though she comes of a +rheumatic family, she is straight as a pine, never has any aches; while +for me with the sciatica, I am sometimes as crippled up as any +old apple-tree. But she has not so much as a toothache. As for her +hearing--let me enter the house in my dusty boots, and she away up in +the attic. And for her sight--Biddy, the housemaid, tells other people's +housemaids, that her mistress will spy a spot on the dresser straight +through the pewter platter, put up on purpose to hide it. Her faculties +are alert as her limbs and her senses. No danger of my spouse dying of +torpor. The longest night in the year I've known her lie awake, planning +her campaign for the morrow. She is a natural projector. The maxim, +"Whatever is, is right," is not hers. Her maxim is, Whatever is, is +wrong; and what is more, must be altered; and what is still more, must +be altered right away. Dreadful maxim for the wife of a dozy old +dreamer like me, who dote on seventh days as days of rest, and out of a +sabbatical horror of industry, will, on a week day, go out of my road a +quarter of a mile, to avoid the sight of a man at work. + +That matches are made in heaven, may be, but my wife would have been +just the wife for Peter the Great, or Peter the Piper. How she would +have set in order that huge littered empire of the one, and with +indefatigable painstaking picked the peck of pickled peppers for the +other. + +But the most wonderful thing is, my wife never thinks of her end. Her +youthful incredulity, as to the plain theory, and still plainer fact of +death, hardly seems Christian. Advanced in years, as she knows she must +be, my wife seems to think that she is to teem on, and be inexhaustible +forever. She doesn't believe in old age. At that strange promise in +the plain of Mamre, my old wife, unlike old Abraham's, would not have +jeeringly laughed within herself. + +Judge how to me, who, sitting in the comfortable shadow of my chimney, +smoking my comfortable pipe, with ashes not unwelcome at my feet, +and ashes not unwelcome all but in my mouth; and who am thus in a +comfortable sort of not unwelcome, though, indeed, ashy enough way, +reminded of the ultimate exhaustion even of the most fiery life; judge +how to me this unwarrantable vitality in my wife must come, sometimes, +it is true, with a moral and a calm, but oftener with a breeze and a +ruffle. + +If the doctrine be true, that in wedlock contraries attract, by how +cogent a fatality must I have been drawn to my wife! While spicily +impatient of present and past, like a glass of ginger-beer she overflows +with her schemes; and, with like energy as she puts down her foot, puts +down her preserves and her pickles, and lives with them in a continual +future; or ever full of expectations both from time and space, is ever +restless for newspapers, and ravenous for letters. Content with the +years that are gone, taking no thought for the morrow, and looking for +no new thing from any person or quarter whatever, I have not a single +scheme or expectation on earth, save in unequal resistance of the undue +encroachment of hers. + +Old myself, I take to oldness in things; for that cause mainly loving +old Montague, and old cheese, and old wine; and eschewing young people, +hot rolls, new books, and early potatoes and very fond of my old +claw-footed chair, and old club-footed Deacon White, my neighbor, and +that still nigher old neighbor, my betwisted old grape-vine, that of a +summer evening leans in his elbow for cosy company at my window-sill, +while I, within doors, lean over mine to meet his; and above all, high +above all, am fond of my high-mantled old chimney. But she, out of the +infatuate juvenility of hers, takes to nothing but newness; for that +cause mainly, loving new cider in autumn, and in spring, as if she were +own daughter of Nebuchadnezzar, fairly raving after all sorts of salads +and spinages, and more particularly green cucumbers (though all the time +nature rebukes such unsuitable young hankerings in so elderly a person, +by never permitting such things to agree with her), and has an itch +after recently-discovered fine prospects (so no graveyard be in the +background), and also after Sweden-borganism, and the Spirit Rapping +philosophy, with other new views, alike in things natural and unnatural; +and immortally hopeful, is forever making new flower-beds even on the +north side of the house where the bleak mountain wind would scarce allow +the wiry weed called hard-hack to gain a thorough footing; and on the +road-side sets out mere pipe-stems of young elms; though there is +no hope of any shade from them, except over the ruins of her great +granddaughter's gravestones; and won't wear caps, but plaits her gray +hair; and takes the Ladies' Magazine for the fashions; and always buys +her new almanac a month before the new year; and rises at dawn; and to +the warmest sunset turns a cold shoulder; and still goes on at odd hours +with her new course of history, and her French, and her music; and likes +a young company; and offers to ride young colts; and sets out young +suckers in the orchard; and has a spite against my elbowed old +grape-vine, and my club-footed old neighbor, and my claw-footed old +chair, and above all, high above all, would fain persecute, until death, +my high-mantled old chimney. By what perverse magic, I a thousand times +think, does such a very autumnal old lady have such a very vernal young +soul? When I would remonstrate at times, she spins round on me with, +"Oh, don't you grumble, old man (she always calls me old man), it's I, +young I, that keep you from stagnating." Well, I suppose it is so. Yea, +after all, these things are well ordered. My wife, as one of her poor +relations, good soul, intimates, is the salt of the earth, and none the +less the salt of my sea, which otherwise were unwholesome. She is its +monsoon, too, blowing a brisk gale over it, in the one steady direction +of my chimney. + +Not insensible of her superior energies, my wife has frequently made +me propositions to take upon herself all the responsibilities of my +affairs. She is desirous that, domestically, I should abdicate; that, +renouncing further rule, like the venerable Charles V, I should retire +into some sort of monastery. But indeed, the chimney excepted, I have +little authority to lay down. By my wife's ingenious application of the +principle that certain things belong of right to female jurisdiction, I +find myself, through my easy compliances, insensibly stripped by degrees +of one masculine prerogative after another. In a dream I go about my +fields, a sort of lazy, happy-go-lucky, good-for-nothing, loafing old +Lear. Only by some sudden revelation am I reminded who is over me; as +year before last, one day seeing in one corner of the premises fresh +deposits of mysterious boards and timbers, the oddity of the incident +at length begat serious meditation. "Wife," said I, "whose boards and +timbers are those I see near the orchard there? Do you know anything +about them, wife? Who put them there? You know I do not like the +neighbors to use my land that way, they should ask permission first." + +She regarded me with a pitying smile. + +"Why, old man, don't you know I am building a new barn? Didn't you know +that, old man?" + +This is the poor old lady who was accusing me of tyrannizing over her. + +To return now to the chimney. Upon being assured of the futility of her +proposed hall, so long as the obstacle remained, for a time my wife was +for a modified project. But I could never exactly comprehend it. As far +as I could see through it, it seemed to involve the general idea of a +sort of irregular archway, or elbowed tunnel, which was to penetrate +the chimney at some convenient point under the staircase, and carefully +avoiding dangerous contact with the fireplaces, and particularly +steering clear of the great interior flue, was to conduct the +enterprising traveler from the front door all the way into the +dining-room in the remote rear of the mansion. Doubtless it was a bold +stroke of genius, that plan of hers, and so was Nero's when he schemed +his grand canal through the Isthmus of Corinth. Nor will I take oath, +that, had her project been accomplished, then, by help of lights hung at +judicious intervals through the tunnel, some Belzoni or other might +have succeeded in future ages in penetrating through the masonry, and +actually emerging into the dining-room, and once there, it would have +been inhospitable treatment of such a traveler to have denied him a +recruiting meal. + +But my bustling wife did not restrict her objections, nor in the end +confine her proposed alterations to the first floor. Her ambition was of +the mounting order. She ascended with her schemes to the second floor, +and so to the attic. Perhaps there was some small ground for her +discontent with things as they were. The truth is, there was no regular +passage-way up-stairs or down, unless we again except that little +orchestra-gallery before mentioned. And all this was owing to the +chimney, which my gamesome spouse seemed despitefully to regard as +the bully of the house. On all its four sides, nearly all the chambers +sidled up to the chimney for the benefit of a fireplace. The chimney +would not go to them; they must needs go to it. The consequence was, +almost every room, like a philosophical system, was in itself an entry, +or passage-way to other rooms, and systems of rooms--a whole suite of +entries, in fact. Going through the house, you seem to be forever going +somewhere, and getting nowhere. It is like losing one's self in the +woods; round and round the chimney you go, and if you arrive at all, +it is just where you started, and so you begin again, and again get +nowhere. Indeed--though I say it not in the way of faultfinding at +all--never was there so labyrinthine an abode. Guests will tarry with +me several weeks and every now and then, be anew astonished at some +unforseen apartment. + +The puzzling nature of the mansion, resulting from the chimney, is +peculiarly noticeable in the dining-room, which has no less than nine +doors, opening in all directions, and into all sorts of places. A +stranger for the first time entering this dining-room, and naturally +taking no special heed at which door he entered, will, upon rising to +depart, commit the strangest blunders. Such, for instance, as opening +the first door that comes handy, and finding himself stealing up-stairs +by the back passage. Shutting that, he will proceed to another, and be +aghast at the cellar yawning at his feet. Trying a third, he surprises +the housemaid at her work. In the end, no more relying on his own +unaided efforts, he procures a trusty guide in some passing person, and +in good time successfully emerges. Perhaps as curious a blunder as any, +was that of a certain stylish young gentleman, a great exquisite, in +whose judicious eyes my daughter Anna had found especial favor. He +called upon the young lady one evening, and found her alone in the +dining-room at her needlework. He stayed rather late; and after +abundance of superfine discourse, all the while retaining his hat and +cane, made his profuse adieus, and with repeated graceful bows proceeded +to depart, after fashion of courtiers from the Queen, and by so doing, +opening a door at random, with one hand placed behind, very effectually +succeeded in backing himself into a dark pantry, where he carefully shut +himself up, wondering there was no light in the entry. After several +strange noises as of a cat among the crockery, he reappeared through +the same door, looking uncommonly crestfallen, and, with a deeply +embarrassed air, requested my daughter to designate at which of the nine +he should find exit. When the mischievous Anna told me the story, she +said it was surprising how unaffected and matter-of-fact the young +gentleman's manner was after his reappearance. He was more candid than +ever, to be sure; having inadvertently thrust his white kids into an +open drawer of Havana sugar, under the impression, probably, that being +what they call "a sweet fellow," his route might possibly lie in that +direction. + +Another inconvenience resulting from the chimney is, the bewilderment of +a guest in gaining his chamber, many strange doors lying between him and +it. To direct him by finger-posts would look rather queer; and just as +queer in him to be knocking at every door on his route, like London's +city guest, the king, at Temple-Bar. + +Now, of all these things and many, many more, my family continually +complained. At last my wife came out with her sweeping proposition--in +toto to abolish the chimney. + +"What!" said I, "abolish the chimney? To take out the backbone of +anything, wife, is a hazardous affair. Spines out of backs, and chimneys +out of houses, are not to be taken like frosted lead pipes from the +ground. Besides," added I, "the chimney is the one grand permanence of +this abode. If undisturbed by innovators, then in future ages, when +all the house shall have crumbled from it, this chimney will still +survive--a Bunker Hill monument. No, no, wife, I can't abolish my +backbone." + +So said I then. But who is sure of himself, especially an old man, +with both wife and daughters ever at his elbow and ear? In time, I was +persuaded to think a little better of it; in short, to take the matter +into preliminary consideration. At length it came to pass that a +master-mason--a rough sort of architect--one Mr. Scribe, was summoned +to a conference. I formally introduced him to my chimney. A previous +introduction from my wife had introduced him to myself. He had been not +a little employed by that lady, in preparing plans and estimates for +some of her extensive operations in drainage. Having, with much ado, +exhorted from my spouse the promise that she would leave us to an +unmolested survey, I began by leading Mr. Scribe down to the root of the +matter, in the cellar. Lamp in hand, I descended; for though up-stairs +it was noon, below it was night. + +We seemed in the pyramids; and I, with one hand holding my lamp over +head, and with the other pointing out, in the obscurity, the hoar mass +of the chimney, seemed some Arab guide, showing the cobwebbed mausoleum +of the great god Apis. + +"This is a most remarkable structure, sir," said the master-mason, after +long contemplating it in silence, "a most remarkable structure, sir." + +"Yes," said I complacently, "every one says so." + +"But large as it appears above the roof, I would not have inferred the +magnitude of this foundation, sir," eyeing it critically. + +Then taking out his rule, he measured it. + +"Twelve feet square; one hundred and forty-four square feet! Sir, this +house would appear to have been built simply for the accommodation of +your chimney." + +"Yes, my chimney and me. Tell me candidly, now," I added, "would you +have such a famous chimney abolished?" + +"I wouldn't have it in a house of mine, sir, for a gift," was the +reply. "It's a losing affair altogether, sir. Do you know, sir, that +in retaining this chimney, you are losing, not only one hundred and +forty-four square feet of good ground, but likewise a considerable +interest upon a considerable principal?" + +"How?" + +"Look, sir!" said he, taking a bit of red chalk from his pocket, and +figuring against a whitewashed wall, "twenty times eight is so and so; +then forty-two times thirty--nine is so and so--ain't it, sir? Well, +add those together, and subtract this here, then that makes so and so," +still chalking away. + +To be brief, after no small ciphering, Mr. Scribe informed me that +my chimney contained, I am ashamed to say how many thousand and odd +valuable bricks. + +"No more," said I fidgeting. "Pray now, let us have a look above." + +In that upper zone we made two more circumnavigations for the first and +second floors. That done, we stood together at the foot of the stairway +by the front door; my hand upon the knob, and Mr. Scribe hat in hand. + +"Well, sir," said he, a sort of feeling his way, and, to help himself, +fumbling with his hat, "well, sir, I think it can be done." + +"What, pray, Mr. Scribe; WHAT can be done?" + +"Your chimney, sir; it can without rashness be removed, I think." + +"I will think of it, too, Mr. Scribe," said I, turning the knob and +bowing him towards the open space without, "I will THINK of it, sir; it +demands consideration; much obliged to ye; good morning, Mr. Scribe." + +"It is all arranged, then," cried my wife with great glee, bursting from +the nighest room. + +"When will they begin?" demanded my daughter Julia. + +"To-morrow?" asked Anna. + +"Patience, patience, my dears," said I, "such a big chimney is not to be +abolished in a minute." + +Next morning it began again. + +"You remember the chimney," said my wife. "Wife," said I, "it is never +out of my house and never out of my mind." + +"But when is Mr. Scribe to begin to pull it down?" asked Anna. + +"Not to-day, Anna," said I. + +"WHEN, then?" demanded Julia, in alarm. + +Now, if this chimney of mine was, for size, a sort of belfry, for +ding-donging at me about it, my wife and daughters were a sort of bells, +always chiming together, or taking up each other's melodies at every +pause, my wife the key-clapper of all. A very sweet ringing, and +pealing, and chiming, I confess; but then, the most silvery of bells +may, sometimes, dismally toll, as well as merrily play. And as touching +the subject in question, it became so now. Perceiving a strange relapse +of opposition in me, wife and daughters began a soft and dirge-like, +melancholy tolling over it. + +At length my wife, getting much excited, declared to me, with pointed +finger, that so long as that chimney stood, she should regard it as the +monument of what she called my broken pledge. But finding this did not +answer, the next day, she gave me to understand that either she or the +chimney must quit the house. + +Finding matters coming to such a pass, I and my pipe philosophized over +them awhile, and finally concluded between us, that little as our hearts +went with the plan, yet for peace' sake, I might write out the chimney's +death-warrant, and, while my hand was in, scratch a note to Mr. Scribe. + +Considering that I, and my chimney, and my pipe, from having been so +much together, were three great cronies, the facility with which my pipe +consented to a project so fatal to the goodliest of our trio; or rather, +the way in which I and my pipe, in secret, conspired together, as +it were, against our unsuspicious old comrade--this may seem rather +strange, if not suggestive of sad reflections upon us two. But, indeed, +we, sons of clay, that is my pipe and I, are no whit better than the +rest. Far from us, indeed, to have volunteered the betrayal of our +crony. We are of a peaceable nature, too. But that love of peace it was +which made us false to a mutual friend, as soon as his cause demanded +a vigorous vindication. But, I rejoice to add, that better and braver +thoughts soon returned, as will now briefly be set forth. + +To my note, Mr. Scribe replied in person. + +Once more we made a survey, mainly now with a view to a pecuniary +estimate. + +"I will do it for five hundred dollars," said Mr. Scribe at last, again +hat in hand. + +"Very well, Mr. Scribe, I will think of it," replied I, again bowing him +to the door. + +Not unvexed by this, for the second time, unexpected response, again +he withdrew, and from my wife, and daughters again burst the old +exclamations. + +The truth is, resolved how I would, at the last pinch I and my chimney +could not be parted. + +"So Holofernes will have his way, never mind whose heart breaks for +it," said my wife next morning, at breakfast, in that half-didactic, +half-reproachful way of hers, which is harder to bear than her most +energetic assault. Holofernes, too, is with her a pet name for any fell +domestic despot. So, whenever, against her most ambitious innovations, +those which saw me quite across the grain, I, as in the present +instance, stand with however little steadfastness on the defence, she is +sure to call me Holofernes, and ten to one takes the first opportunity +to read aloud, with a suppressed emphasis, of an evening, the first +newspaper paragraph about some tyrannic day-laborer, who, after +being for many years the Caligula of his family, ends by beating his +long-suffering spouse to death, with a garret door wrenched off its +hinges, and then, pitching his little innocents out of the window, +suicidally turns inward towards the broken wall scored with the +butcher's and baker's bills, and so rushes headlong to his dreadful +account. + +Nevertheless, for a few days, not a little to my surprise, I heard no +further reproaches. An intense calm pervaded my wife, but beneath which, +as in the sea, there was no knowing what portentous movements might be +going on. She frequently went abroad, and in a direction which I thought +not unsuspicious; namely, in the direction of New Petra, a griffin-like +house of wood and stucco, in the highest style of ornamental art, graced +with four chimneys in the form of erect dragons spouting smoke from +their nostrils; the elegant modern residence of Mr. Scribe, which he had +built for the purpose of a standing advertisement, not more of his taste +as an architect, than his solidity as a master-mason. + +At last, smoking my pipe one morning, I heard a rap at the door, and my +wife, with an air unusually quiet for her brought me a note. As I have +no correspondents except Solomon, with whom in his sentiments, at least, +I entirely correspond, the note occasioned me some little surprise, +which was not dismissed upon reading the following:-- + +NEW PETRA, April 1st. + +Sir--During my last examination of your chimney, possibly you may have +noted that I frequently applied my rule to it in a manner apparently +unnecessary. Possibly, also, at the same time, you might have observed +in me more or less of perplexity, to which, however, I refrained from +giving any verbal expression. + +I now feel it obligatory upon me to inform you of what was then but a +dim suspicion, and as such would have been unwise to give utterance to, +but which now, from various subsequent calculations assuming no little +probability, it may be important that you should not remain in further +ignorance of. + +It is my solemn duty to warn you, sir, that there is architectural cause +to conjecture that somewhere concealed in your chimney is a reserved +space, hermetically closed, in short, a secret chamber, or rather +closet. How long it has been there, it is for me impossible to say. +What it contains is hid, with itself, in darkness. But probably a secret +closet would not have been contrived except for some extraordinary +object, whether for the concealment of treasure, or for what other +purpose, may be left to those better acquainted with the history of the +house to guess. + +But enough: in making this disclosure, sir, my conscience is eased. +Whatever step you choose to take upon it, is of course a matter of +indifference to me; though, I confess, as respects the character of the +closet, I cannot but share in a natural curiosity. Trusting that you may +be guided aright, in determining whether it is Christian-like knowingly +to reside in a house, hidden in which is a secret closet, I remain, with +much respect, + +Yours very humbly, + +HIRAM SCRIBE. + + +My first thought upon reading this note was, not of the alleged mystery +of manner to which, at the outset, it alluded-for none such had I at all +observed in the master-mason during his surveys--but of my late kinsman, +Captain Julian Dacres, long a ship-master and merchant in the Indian +trade, who, about thirty years ago, and at the ripe age of ninety, died +a bachelor, and in this very house, which he had built. He was supposed +to have retired into this country with a large fortune. But to the +general surprise, after being at great cost in building himself this +mansion, he settled down into a sedate, reserved and inexpensive old +age, which by the neighbors was thought all the better for his heirs: +but lo! upon opening the will, his property was found to consist but of +the house and grounds, and some ten thousand dollars in stocks; but the +place, being found heavily mortgaged, was in consequence sold. Gossip +had its day, and left the grass quietly to creep over the captain's +grave, where he still slumbers in a privacy as unmolested as if the +billows of the Indian Ocean, instead of the billows of inland verdure, +rolled over him. Still, I remembered long ago, hearing strange solutions +whispered by the country people for the mystery involving his will, and, +by reflex, himself; and that, too, as well in conscience as purse. But +people who could circulate the report (which they did), that Captain +Julian Dacres had, in his day, been a Borneo pirate, surely were not +worthy of credence in their collateral notions. It is queer what wild +whimsies of rumors will, like toadstools, spring up about any eccentric +stranger, who settling down among a rustic population, keeps quietly to +himself. With some, inoffensiveness would seem a prime cause of offense. +But what chiefly had led me to scout at these rumors, particularly as +referring to concealed treasure, was the circumstance, that the stranger +(the same who razeed the roof and the chimney) into whose hands the +estate had passed on my kinsman's death, was of that sort of character, +that had there been the least ground for those reports, he would +speedily have tested them, by tearing down and rummaging the walls. + +Nevertheless, the note of Mr. Scribe, so strangely recalling the memory +of my kinsman, very naturally chimed in with what had been mysterious, +or at least unexplained, about him; vague flashings of ingots united in +my mind with vague gleamings of skulls. But the first cool thought soon +dismissed such chimeras; and, with a calm smile, I turned towards my +wife, who, meantime, had been sitting nearby, impatient enough, I dare +say, to know who could have taken it into his head to write me a letter. + +"Well, old man," said she, "who is it from, and what is it about?" + +"Read it, wife," said I, handing it. + +Read it she did, and then--such an explosion! I will not pretend +to describe her emotions, or repeat her expressions. Enough that my +daughters were quickly called in to share the excitement. Although they +had never dreamed of such a revelation as Mr. Scribe's; yet upon the +first suggestion they instinctively saw the extreme likelihood of it. +In corroboration, they cited first my kinsman, and second, my chimney; +alleging that the profound mystery involving the former, and the equally +profound masonry involving the latter, though both acknowledged facts, +were alike preposterous on any other supposition than the secret closet. + +But all this time I was quietly thinking to myself: Could it be hidden +from me that my credulity in this instance would operate very favorably +to a certain plan of theirs? How to get to the secret closet, or how to +have any certainty about it at all, without making such fell work with +my chimney as to render its set destruction superfluous? That my wife +wished to get rid of the chimney, it needed no reflection to show; +and that Mr. Scribe, for all his pretended disinterestedness, was not +opposed to pocketing five hundred dollars by the operation, seemed +equally evident. That my wife had, in secret, laid heads together with +Mr. Scribe, I at present refrain from affirming. But when I consider her +enmity against my chimney, and the steadiness with which at the last +she is wont to carry out her schemes, if by hook or crook she can, +especially after having been once baffled, why, I scarcely knew at what +step of hers to be surprised. + +Of one thing only was I resolved, that I and my chimney should not +budge. + +In vain all protests. Next morning I went out into the road, where I had +noticed a diabolical-looking old gander, that, for its doughty exploits +in the way of scratching into forbidden enclosures, had been rewarded +by its master with a portentous, four-pronged, wooden decoration, in the +shape of a collar of the Order of the Garotte. This gander I cornered +and rummaging out its stiffest quill, plucked it, took it home, and +making a stiff pen, inscribed the following stiff note: + + CHIMNEY SIDE, April 2. + MR. SCRIBE + Sir:-For your conjecture, we return you our joint thanks and + compliments, and beg leave to assure you, that we shall remain, + Very faithfully, + The same, + I AND MY CHIMNEY. + +Of course, for this epistle we had to endure some pretty sharp raps. But +having at last explicitly understood from me that Mr. Scribe's note had +not altered my mind one jot, my wife, to move me, among other things +said, that if she remembered aright, there was a statute placing the +keeping in private of secret closets on the same unlawful footing with +the keeping of gunpowder. But it had no effect. + +A few days after, my spouse changed her key. + +It was nearly midnight, and all were in bed but ourselves, who sat up, +one in each chimney-corner; she, needles in hand, indefatigably knitting +a sock; I, pipe in mouth, indolently weaving my vapors. + +It was one of the first of the chill nights in autumn. There was a fire +on the hearth, burning low. The air without was torpid and heavy; the +wood, by an oversight, of the sort called soggy. + +"Do look at the chimney," she began; "can't you see that something must +be in it?" + +"Yes, wife. Truly there is smoke in the chimney, as in Mr. Scribe's +note." + +"Smoke? Yes, indeed, and in my eyes, too. How you two wicked old sinners +do smoke!--this wicked old chimney and you." + +"Wife," said I, "I and my chimney like to have a quiet smoke together, +it is true, but we don't like to be called names." + +"Now, dear old man," said she, softening down, and a little shifting the +subject, "when you think of that old kinsman of yours, you KNOW there +must be a secret closet in this chimney." + +"Secret ash-hole, wife, why don't you have it? Yes, I dare say there is +a secret ash-hole in the chimney; for where do all the ashes go to that +drop down the queer hole yonder?" + +"I know where they go to; I've been there almost as many times as the +cat." + +"What devil, wife, prompted you to crawl into the ash-hole? Don't you +know that St. Dunstan's devil emerged from the ash-hole? You will +get your death one of these days, exploring all about as you do. But +supposing there be a secret closet, what then?" + +"What then? why what should be in a secret closet but--" + +"Dry bones, wife," broke in I with a puff, while the sociable old +chimney broke in with another. + +"There again! Oh, how this wretched old chimney smokes," wiping her +eyes with her handkerchief. "I've no doubt the reason it smokes so is, +because that secret closet interferes with the flue. Do see, too, how +the jambs here keep settling; and it's down hill all the way from the +door to this hearth. This horrid old chimney will fall on our heads yet; +depend upon it, old man." + +"Yes, wife, I do depend on it; yes indeed, I place every dependence on +my chimney. As for its settling, I like it. I, too, am settling, you +know, in my gait. I and my chimney are settling together, and shall +keep settling, too, till, as in a great feather-bed, we shall both have +settled away clean out of sight. But this secret oven; I mean, secret +closet of yours, wife; where exactly do you suppose that secret closet +is?" + +"That is for Mr. Scribe to say." + +"But suppose he cannot say exactly; what, then?" + +"Why then he can prove, I am sure, that it must be somewhere or other in +this horrid old chimney." + +"And if he can't prove that; what, then?" + +"Why then, old man," with a stately air, "I shall say little more about +it." + +"Agreed, wife," returned I, knocking my pipe-bowl against the jamb, "and +now, to-morrow, I will for a third time send for Mr. Scribe. Wife, the +sciatica takes me; be so good as to put this pipe on the mantel." + +"If you get the step-ladder for me, I will. This shocking old chimney, +this abominable old-fashioned old chimney's mantels are so high, I can't +reach them." + +No opportunity, however trivial, was overlooked for a subordinate fling +at the pile. + +Here, by way of introduction, it should be mentioned, that besides the +fireplaces all round it, the chimney was, in the most haphazard way, +excavated on each floor for certain curious out-of-the-way cupboards and +closets, of all sorts and sizes, clinging here and there, like nests in +the crotches of some old oak. On the second floor these closets were +by far the most irregular and numerous. And yet this should hardly have +been so, since the theory of the chimney was, that it pyramidically +diminished as it ascended. The abridgment of its square on the roof +was obvious enough; and it was supposed that the reduction must be +methodically graduated from bottom to top. + +"Mr. Scribe," said I when, the next day, with an eager aspect, that +individual again came, "my object in sending for you this morning +is, not to arrange for the demolition of my chimney, nor to have +any particular conversation about it, but simply to allow you +every reasonable facility for verifying, if you can, the conjecture +communicated in your note." + +Though in secret not a little crestfallen, it may be, by my phlegmatic +reception, so different from what he had looked for; with much apparent +alacrity he commenced the survey; throwing open the cupboards on the +first floor, and peering into the closets on the second; measuring +one within, and then comparing that measurement with the measurement +without. Removing the fireboards, he would gaze up the flues. But no +sign of the hidden work yet. + +Now, on the second floor the rooms were the most rambling conceivable. +They, as it were, dovetailed into each other. They were of all shapes; +not one mathematically square room among them all--a peculiarity which +by the master-mason had not been unobserved. With a significant, not to +say portentous expression, he took a circuit of the chimney, measuring +the area of each room around it; then going down stairs, and out of +doors, he measured the entire ground area; then compared the sum total +of the areas of all the rooms on the second floor with the ground area; +then, returning to me in no small excitement, announced that there was a +difference of no less than two hundred and odd square feet--room enough, +in all conscience, for a secret closet. + +"But, Mr. Scribe," said I, stroking my chin, "have you allowed for the +walls, both main and sectional? They take up some space, you know." + +"Ah, I had forgotten that," tapping his forehead; "but," still ciphering +on his paper, "that will not make up the deficiency." + +"But, Mr. Scribe, have you allowed for the recesses of so many +fireplaces on a floor, and for the fire-walls, and the flues; in short, +Mr. Scribe, have you allowed for the legitimate chimney itself--some one +hundred and forty-four square feet or thereabouts, Mr. Scribe?" + +"How unaccountable. That slipped my mind, too." + +"Did it, indeed, Mr. Scribe?" + +He faltered a little, and burst forth with, "But we must now allow +one hundred and forty-four square feet for the legitimate chimney. +My position is, that within those undue limits the secret closet is +contained." + +I eyed him in silence a moment; then spoke: + +"Your survey is concluded, Mr. Scribe; be so good now as to lay your +finger upon the exact part of the chimney wall where you believe +this secret closet to be; or would a witch-hazel wand assist you, Mr. +Scribe?" + +"No, Sir, but a crowbar would," he, with temper, rejoined. + +Here, now, thought I to myself, the cat leaps out of the bag. I looked +at him with a calm glance, under which he seemed somewhat uneasy. More +than ever now I suspected a plot. I remembered what my wife had said +about abiding by the decision of Mr. Scribe. In a bland way, I resolved +to buy up the decision of Mr. Scribe. + +"Sir," said I, "really, I am much obliged to you for this survey. It has +quite set my mind at rest. And no doubt you, too, Mr. Scribe, must +feel much relieved. Sir," I added, "you have made three visits to the +chimney. With a business man, time is money. Here are fifty dollars, Mr. +Scribe. Nay, take it. You have earned it. Your opinion is worth it. And +by the way,"--as he modestly received the money--"have you any objections +to give me a--a--little certificate--something, say, like a steamboat +certificate, certifying that you, a competent surveyor, have surveyed +my chimney, and found no reason to believe any unsoundness; in short, +any--any secret closet in it. Would you be so kind, Mr. Scribe?" + +"But, but, sir," stammered he with honest hesitation. + +"Here, here are pen and paper," said I, with entire assurance. + +Enough. + +That evening I had the certificate framed and hung over the dining-room +fireplace, trusting that the continual sight of it would forever put at +rest at once the dreams and stratagems of my household. + +But, no. Inveterately bent upon the extirpation of that noble old +chimney, still to this day my wife goes about it, with my daughter +Anna's geological hammer, tapping the wall all over, and then holding +her ear against it, as I have seen the physicians of life insurance +companies tap a man's chest, and then incline over for the echo. +Sometimes of nights she almost frightens one, going about on this +phantom errand, and still following the sepulchral response of the +chimney, round and round, as if it were leading her to the threshold of +the secret closet. + +"How hollow it sounds," she will hollowly cry. "Yes, I declare," with an +emphatic tap, "there is a secret closet here. Here, in this very spot. +Hark! How hollow!" + +"Psha! wife, of course it is hollow. Who ever heard of a solid chimney?" +But nothing avails. And my daughters take after, not me, but their +mother. + +Sometimes all three abandon the theory of the secret closet and return +to the genuine ground of attack--the unsightliness of so cumbrous a +pile, with comments upon the great addition of room to be gained by its +demolition, and the fine effect of the projected grand hall, and the +convenience resulting from the collateral running in one direction and +another of their various partitions. Not more ruthlessly did the Three +Powers partition away poor Poland, than my wife and daughters would fain +partition away my chimney. + +But seeing that, despite all, I and my chimney still smoke our pipes, +my wife reoccupies the ground of the secret closet, enlarging upon +what wonders are there, and what a shame it is, not to seek it out and +explore it. + +"Wife," said I, upon one of these occasions, "why speak more of that +secret closet, when there before you hangs contrary testimony of a +master mason, elected by yourself to decide. Besides, even if there +were a secret closet, secret it should remain, and secret it shall. +Yes, wife, here for once I must say my say. Infinite sad mischief has +resulted from the profane bursting open of secret recesses. Though +standing in the heart of this house, though hitherto we have all nestled +about it, unsuspicious of aught hidden within, this chimney may or may +not have a secret closet. But if it have, it is my kinsman's. To +break into that wall, would be to break into his breast. And that +wall-breaking wish of Momus I account the wish of a churchrobbing gossip +and knave. Yes, wife, a vile eavesdropping varlet was Momus." + +"Moses? Mumps? Stuff with your mumps and Moses?" + +The truth is, my wife, like all the rest of the world, cares not a +fig for philosophical jabber. In dearth of other philosophical +companionship, I and my chimney have to smoke and philosophize together. +And sitting up so late as we do at it, a mighty smoke it is that we two +smoky old philosophers make. + +But my spouse, who likes the smoke of my tobacco as little as she does +that of the soot, carries on her war against both. I live in continual +dread lest, like the golden bowl, the pipes of me and my chimney shall +yet be broken. To stay that mad project of my wife's, naught answers. +Or, rather, she herself is incessantly answering, incessantly besetting +me with her terrible alacrity for improvement, which is a softer name +for destruction. Scarce a day I do not find her with her tape-measure, +measuring for her grand hall, while Anna holds a yardstick on one side, +and Julia looks approvingly on from the other. Mysterious intimations +appear in the nearest village paper, signed "Claude," to the effect that +a certain structure, standing on a certain hill, is a sad blemish to +an otherwise lovely landscape. Anonymous letters arrive, threatening me +with I know not what, unless I remove my chimney. Is it my wife, too, or +who, that sets up the neighbors to badgering me on the same subject, +and hinting to me that my chimney, like a huge elm, absorbs all moisture +from my garden? At night, also, my wife will start as from sleep, +professing to hear ghostly noises from the secret closet. Assailed on +all sides, and in all ways, small peace have I and my chimney. + +Were it not for the baggage, we would together pack up and remove from +the country. + +What narrow escapes have been ours! Once I found in a drawer a whole +portfolio of plans and estimates. Another time, upon returning after +a day's absence, I discovered my wife standing before the chimney +in earnest conversation with a person whom I at once recognized as +a meddlesome architectural reformer, who, because he had no gift for +putting up anything was ever intent upon pulling them down; in various +parts of the country having prevailed upon half-witted old folks to +destroy their old-fashioned houses, particularly the chimneys. + +But worst of all was, that time I unexpectedly returned at early morning +from a visit to the city, and upon approaching the house, narrowly +escaped three brickbats which fell, from high aloft, at my feet. +Glancing up, what was my horror to see three savages, in blue jean +overalls in the very act of commencing the long-threatened attack. Aye, +indeed, thinking of those three brickbats, I and my chimney have had +narrow escapes. + +It is now some seven years since I have stirred from my home. My city +friends all wonder why I don't come to see them, as in former times. +They think I am getting sour and unsocial. Some say that I have become +a sort of mossy old misanthrope, while all the time the fact is, I am +simply standing guard over my mossy old chimney; for it is resolved +between me and my chimney, that I and my chimney will never surrender. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of I and My Chimney, by Herman Melville + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK I AND MY CHIMNEY *** + +***** This file should be named 2694.txt or 2694.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/9/2694/ + +Produced by Stephan J. 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