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diff --git a/26950.txt b/26950.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..196c802 --- /dev/null +++ b/26950.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11159 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Humorous Ghost Stories, by Dorothy Scarborough + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Humorous Ghost Stories + +Author: Dorothy Scarborough + +Release Date: October 18, 2008 [EBook #26950] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUMOROUS GHOST STORIES *** + + + + +Produced by David Edwards, Marcia Brooks and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +book was produced from scanned images of public domain +material from the Google Print project.) + + + + + + + + + +HUMOROUS GHOST STORIES + + + + +HUMOROUS GHOST +STORIES + +SELECTED, WITH AN INTRODUCTION + +BY + +DOROTHY SCARBOROUGH, PH.D. + +LECTURER IN ENGLISH, COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY +AUTHOR OF "THE SUPERNATURAL IN MODERN ENGLISH FICTION," +"FUGITIVE VERSES," "FROM A SOUTHERN PORCH," ETC. +COMPILER OF "FAMOUS MODERN GHOST STORIES" + +G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS + +NEW YORK AND LONDON + +The Knickerbocker Press + +1921 + +COPYRIGHT, 1921 + +BY + +DOROTHY SCARBOROUGH + +_Printed in the United States of America_ + + + + + To + + DR. AND MRS. JOHN T. HARRINGTON + + _Life flings miles and years between us, + It is true,-- + But brings never to me dearer + Friends than you!_ + + + + +The Humorous Ghost + +INTRODUCTION + + +The humorous ghost is distinctly a modern character. In early literature +wraiths took themselves very seriously, and insisted on a proper show of +respectful fear on the part of those whom they honored by haunting. A +mortal was expected to rise when a ghost entered the room, and in case +he was slow about it, his spine gave notice of what etiquette demanded. +In the event of outdoor apparition, if a man failed to bare his head in +awe, the roots of his hair reminded him of his remissness. Woman has +always had the advantage over man in such emergency, in that her locks, +being long and pinned up, are less easily moved--which may explain the +fact (if it be a fact!) that in fiction women have shown themselves more +self-possessed in ghostly presence than men. Or possibly a woman knows +that a masculine spook is, after all, only a man, and therefore may be +charmed into helplessness, while the feminine can be seen through by +another woman and thus disarmed. The majority of the comic apparitions, +curiously enough, are masculine. You don't often find women wraithed in +smiles--perhaps because they resent being made ridiculous, even after +they're dead. Or maybe the reason lies in the fact that men have +written most of the comic or satiric ghost stories, and have +chivalrously spared the gentler shades. And there are very few funny +child-ghosts--you might almost say none, in comparison with the number +of grown-ups. The number of ghost children of any or all types is small +proportionately--perhaps because it seems an unnatural thing for a child +to die under any circumstances, while to make of him a butt for jokes +would be unfeeling. There are a few instances, as in the case of the +ghost baby mentioned later, but very few. + +Ancient ghosts were a long-faced lot. They didn't know how to play at +all. They had been brought up in stern repression of frivolities as +haunters--no matter how sportive they may have been in life--and in turn +they cowed mortals into a servile submission. No doubt they thought of +men and women as mere youngsters that must be taught their place, since +any living person, however senile, would be thought juvenile compared +with a timeless spook. + +But in these days of individualism and radical liberalism, spooks as +well as mortals are expanding their personalities and indulging in +greater freedom. A ghost can call his shade his own now, and exhibit any +mood he pleases. Even young female wraiths, demanding latchkeys, refuse +to obey the frowning face of the clock, and engage in light-hearted +ebullience to make the ghost of Mrs. Grundy turn a shade paler in +horror. Nowadays haunters have more fun and freedom than the haunted. In +fact, it's money in one's pocket these days to be dead, for ghosts have +no rent problems, and dead men pay no bills. What officer would +willingly pursue a ghostly tenant to his last lodging in order to serve +summons on him? And suppose a ghost brought into court demanded trial by +a jury of his peers? No--manifestly death has compensations not +connected with the consolations of religion. + +The marvel is that apparitions were so long in realizing their +possibilities, in improving their advantages. The specters in classic +and medieval literature were malarial, vaporous beings without energy to +do anything but threaten, and mortals never would have trembled with +fear at their frown if they had known how feeble they were. At best a +revenant could only rattle a rusty skeleton, or shake a moldy shroud, or +clank a chain--but as mortals cowered before his demonstrations, he +didn't worry. If he wished to evoke the extreme of anguish from his +host, he raised a menacing arm and uttered a windy word or two. Now it +takes more than that to produce a panic. The up-to-date ghost keeps his +skeleton in a garage or some place where it is cleaned and oiled and +kept in good working order. The modern wraith has sold his sheet to the +old clo'es man, and dresses as in life. Now the ghost has learned to +have a variety of good times, and he can make the living squirm far +more satisfyingly than in the past. The spook of to-day enjoys making +his haunted laugh even while he groans in terror. He knows that there's +no weapon, no threat, in horror, to be compared with ridicule. + +Think what a solemn creature the Gothic ghost was! How little +originality and initiative he showed and how dependent he was on his own +atmosphere for thrills! His sole appeal was to the spinal column. The +ghost of to-day touches the funny bone as well. He adds new horrors to +being haunted, but new pleasures also. The modern specter can be a +joyous creature on occasion, as he can be, when he wishes, fearsome +beyond the dreams of classic or Gothic revenant. He has a keen sense of +humor and loves a good joke on a mortal, while he can even enjoy one on +himself. Though his fun is of comparatively recent origin--it's less +than a century since he learned to crack a smile--the laughing ghost is +very much alive and sportively active. Some of these new spooks are +notoriously good company. Many Americans there are to-day who would +court being haunted by the captain and crew of Richard Middleton's Ghost +Ship that landed in a turnip field and dispensed drink till they +demoralized the denizens of village and graveyard alike. After that show +of spirits, the turnips in that field tasted of rum, long after the +ghost ship had sailed away into the blue. + +The modern spook is possessed not only of humor but of a caustic satire +as well. His jest is likely to have more than one point to it, and he +can haunt so insidiously, can make himself so at home in his host's +study or bedroom that a man actually welcomes a chat with him--only to +find out too late that his human foibles have been mercilessly flayed. +Pity the poor chap in H. C. Bunner's story, _The Interfering Spook_, for +instance, who was visited nightly by a specter that repeated to him all +the silly and trite things he had said during the day, a ghost, +moreover, that towered and swelled at every hackneyed phrase, till +finally he filled the room and burst after the young man proposed to his +admired one, and made subsequent remarks. Ghosts not only have +appallingly long memories, but they possess a mean advantage over the +living in that they have once been mortal, while the men and women they +haunt haven't yet been ghosts. Suppose each one of us were to be haunted +by his own inane utterances? True, we're told that we'll have to give +account Some Day for every idle word, but recording angels seem more +sympathetic than a sneering ghost at one's elbow. Ghosts can satirize +more fittingly than anyone else the absurdities of certain psychic +claims, as witness the delightful seriousness of the story _Back from +that Bourne_, which appeared as a front page news story in the New York +_Sun_ years ago. I should think that some of the futile, laggard +messenger-boy ghosts that one reads about nowadays would blush with +shame before the wholesome raillery of the porgy fisherman. + +The modern humorous ghost satirizes everything from the old-fashioned +specter (he's very fond of taking pot-shots at him) to the latest +psychic manifestations. He laughs at ghosts that aren't experts in +efficiency haunting, and he has a lot of fun out of mortals for being +scared of specters. He loves to shake the lugubrious terrors of the past +before you, exposing their hollow futility, and he contrives to create +new fears for you magically while you are laughing at him. + +The new ghost hates conventionality and uses the old thrills only to +show what dead batteries they come from. His really electrical effects +are his own inventions. He needs no dungeon keeps and monkish cells to +play about in--not he! He demands no rag nor bone nor clank of chain of +his old equipment to start on his career. He can start up a moving +picture show of his own, as in Ruth McEnery Stuart's _The Haunted +Photograph_, and demonstrate a new kind of apparition. The ghost story +of to-day gives you spinal sensations with a difference, as in the +immortal _Transferred Ghost_, by Frank R. Stockton, where the suitor on +the moonlit porch, attempting to tell his fair one that he dotes on her, +sees the ghost of her ferocious uncle (who isn't dead!) kicking his +heels against the railing, and hears his admonition that he'd better +hurry up, as the live uncle is coming in sight. The thrill with which +you read of the ghost in Ellis Parker Butler's _The Late John Wiggins_, +who deposits his wooden leg with the family he is haunting, on the plea +that it is too materialistic to be worn with ease, and therefore they +must take care of it for him, doesn't altogether leave you even when you +discover that the late John is a fraud, has never been a ghost nor used +a wooden leg. But a terrifying leg-acy while you do believe in it! + +The new ghost has a more nimble and versatile tongue as well as wit. In +the older fiction and drama apparitions spoke seldom, and then merely as +_ghosts_, not as individuals. And ghosts, like kings in drama, were of a +dignity and must preserve it in their speech. Or perhaps the authors +were doubtful as to the dialogue of shades, and compromised on a few +stately ejaculations as being safely phantasmal speaking parts. But +compare that usage with the rude freedom of some modern spooks, as John +Kendrick Bangs's spectral cook of Bangletop, who lets fall her h's and +twists grammar in a rare and diverting manner. For myself, I'd hate to +be an old-fashioned ghost with no chance to keep up with the styles in +slang. Think of having always--and always--to speak a dead language! + +The humorous ghost is not only modern, but he is distinctively American. +There are ghosts of all nationalities, naturally, but the spook that +provides a joke--on his host or on himself--is Yankee in origin and +development. The dry humor, the comic sense of the incongruous, the +willingness to laugh at himself as at others, carry over into +immaterialization as characteristic American qualities and are preserved +in their true flavor. I don't assert, of course, that Americans have +been the only ones in this field. The French and English selections in +this volume are sufficient to prove the contrary. Gautier's _The Mummy's +Foot_ has a humor of a lightness and grace as delicate as the princess's +little foot itself. There are various English stories of whimsical +haunting, some of actual spooks and some of the hoax type. Hoax ghosts +are fairly numerous in British as in American literature, one of the +early specimens of the kind being _The Specter of Tappington_ in the +_Ingoldsby Legends_. The files of _Blackwood's Magazine_ reveal several +examples, though not of high literary value. + +Of the early specimens of the really amusing ghost that is an actual +revenant is _The Ghost Baby_, in _Blackwood's_, which shows originality +and humor, yet is too diffuse for printing here. In that we have a +conventional young bachelor, engaged to a charming girl, who is +entangled in social complications and made to suffer mental torment +because, without his consent, he has been chosen as the nurse and +guardian of a ghost baby that cradles after him wherever he goes. This +is a rich story almost spoiled by being poorly told. I sigh to think of +the laughs that Frank R. Stockton or John Kendrick Bangs or Gelett +Burgess could have got out of the situation. There are other comic +British spooks, as in Baring-Gould's _A Happy Release_, where a widow +and a widower in love are haunted by the jealous ghosts of their +respective spouses, till the phantom couple take a liking to each other +and decide to let the living bury their dead. This is suggestive of +Brander Matthews's earlier and cleverer story of a spectral courtship, +in _The Rival Ghosts_. Medieval and later literature gave us many +instances of a love affair or marriage between one spirit and one +mortal, but it remained for the modern American to celebrate the +nuptials of two ghosts. Think of being married when you know that you +and the other party are going to live ever after--whether happily or no! +Truly, the present terrors are more fearsome than the old! + +The stories by Eden Phillpotts and Richard Middleton in this collection +show the diversity of the English humor as associated with apparitions, +and are entertaining in themselves. The _Canterville Ghost_, by Oscar +Wilde, is one of his best short stories and is in his happiest vein of +laughing satire. This travesty on the conventional traditions of the +wraith is preposterously delightful, one of the cleverest ghost stories +in our language. Zangwill has written engagingly of spooks, with a +laughable story about Samuel Johnson. And there are others. But the fact +remains that in spite of conceded and admirable examples, the humorous +ghost story is for the most part American in creation and spirit. +Washington Irving might be said to have started that fashion in +skeletons and shades, for he has given us various comic haunters, some +real and some make-believe. Frank R. Stockton gave his to funny spooks +with a riotous and laughing pen. The spirit in his _Transferred Ghost_ +is impudently deathless, and has called up a train of subsequent +haunters. John Kendrick Bangs has made the darker regions seem +comfortable and homelike for us, and has created ghosts so human and so +funny that we look forward to being one--or more. We feel downright +neighborly toward such specters as the futile "last ghost" Nelson Lloyd +evokes for us, as we appreciate the satire of Rose O'Neill's +sophisticated wraith. The daring concept of Gelett Burgess's Ghost +Extinguisher is altogether American. The field is still comparatively +limited, but a number of Americans have done distinctive work in it. The +specter now wears motley instead of a shroud, and shakes his jester's +bells the while he rattles his bones. I dare any, however grouchy, +reader to finish the stories in this volume without having a kindlier +feeling toward ghosts! + +D. S. + +NEW YORK, +_March, 1921._ + + + + +CONTENTS + + + PAGE + +INTRODUCTION: THE HUMOROUS GHOST vii + +THE CANTERVILLE GHOST 3 + BY OSCAR WILDE + +THE GHOST-EXTINGUISHER 51 + BY GELETT BURGESS + +"DEY AIN'T NO GHOSTS" 69 + BY ELLIS PARKER BUTLER + +THE TRANSFERRED GHOST 89 + BY FRANK R. STOCKTON + +THE MUMMY'S FOOT 109 + BY THEOPHILE GAUTIER + +THE RIVAL GHOSTS 129 + BY BRANDER MATTHEWS + +THE WATER GHOST OF HARROWBY HALL 159 + BY JOHN KENDRICK BANGS + +BACK FROM THAT BOURNE 175 + ANONYMOUS + +THE GHOST-SHIP 187 + BY RICHARD MIDDLETON + +THE TRANSPLANTED GHOST 205 + BY WALLACE IRWIN + +THE LAST GHOST IN HARMONY 229 + BY NELSON LLOYD + +THE GHOST OF MISER BRIMPSON 247 + BY EDEN PHILLPOTTS + +THE HAUNTED PHOTOGRAPH 275 + BY RUTH MCENERY STUART + +THE GHOST THAT GOT THE BUTTON 295 + BY WILL ADAMS + +THE SPECTER BRIDEGROOM 315 + BY WASHINGTON IRVING + +THE SPECTER OF TAPPINGTON 341 + COMPILED BY RICHARD BARHAM + +IN THE BARN 385 + BY BURGES JOHNSON + +A SHADY PLOT 403 + BY ELSIE BROWN + +THE LADY AND THE GHOST 425 + BY ROSE CECIL O'NEILL + + + + +HUMOROUS GHOST STORIES + + + + +THE CANTERVILLE GHOST + +_An amusing chronicle of the tribulations of the Ghost of Canterville +Chase when his ancestral halls became the home of the American Minister +to the Court of St. James._ + +BY OSCAR WILDE + + + + +The Canterville Ghost + +BY OSCAR WILDE + + +I + +When Mr. Hiram B. Otis, the American Minister, bought Canterville Chase, +everyone told him he was doing a very foolish thing, as there was no +doubt at all that the place was haunted. Indeed, Lord Canterville +himself, who was a man of the most punctilious honor, had felt it his +duty to mention the fact to Mr. Otis when they came to discuss terms. + +"We have not cared to live in the place ourselves," said Lord +Canterville, "since my grand-aunt, the Dowager Duchess of Bolton, was +frightened into a fit, from which she never really recovered, by two +skeleton hands being placed on her shoulders as she was dressing for +dinner, and I feel bound to tell you, Mr. Otis, that the ghost has been +seen by several living members of my family, as well as by the rector of +the parish, the Rev. Augustus Dampier, who is a Fellow of King's +College, Cambridge. After the unfortunate accident to the Duchess, none +of our younger servants would stay with us, and Lady Canterville often +got very little sleep at night, in consequence of the mysterious noises +that came from the corridor and the library." + +"My Lord," answered the Minister, "I will take the furniture and the +ghost at a valuation. I have come from a modern country, where we have +everything that money can buy; and with all our spry young fellows +painting the Old World red, and carrying off your best actors and +prima-donnas, I reckon that if there were such a thing as a ghost in +Europe, we'd have it at home in a very short time in one of our public +museums, or on the road as a show." + +"I fear that the ghost exists," said Lord Canterville, smiling, "though +it may have resisted the overtures of your enterprising impresarios. It +has been well known for three centuries, since 1584 in fact, and always +makes its appearance before the death of any member of our family." + +"Well, so does the family doctor for that matter, Lord Canterville. But +there is no such thing, sir, as a ghost, and I guess the laws of Nature +are not going to be suspended for the British aristocracy." + +"You are certainly very natural in America," answered Lord Canterville, +who did not quite understand Mr. Otis's last observation, "and if you +don't mind a ghost in the house, it is all right. Only you must remember +I warned you." + +A few weeks after this, the purchase was concluded, and at the close of +the season the Minister and his family went down to Canterville Chase. +Mrs. Otis, who, as Miss Lucretia R. Tappan, of West 53d Street, had been +a celebrated New York belle, was now a very handsome, middle-aged woman, +with fine eyes, and a superb profile. Many American ladies on leaving +their native land adopt an appearance of chronic ill-health, under the +impression that it is a form of European refinement, but Mrs. Otis had +never fallen into this error. She had a magnificent constitution, and a +really wonderful amount of animal spirits. Indeed, in many respects, she +was quite English, and was an excellent example of the fact that we have +really everything in common with America nowadays, except, of course, +language. Her eldest son, christened Washington by his parents in a +moment of patriotism, which he never ceased to regret, was a +fair-haired, rather good-looking young man, who had qualified himself +for American diplomacy by leading the German at the Newport Casino for +three successive seasons, and even in London was well known as an +excellent dancer. Gardenias and the peerage were his only weaknesses. +Otherwise he was extremely sensible. Miss Virginia E. Otis was a little +girl of fifteen, lithe and lovely as a fawn, and with a fine freedom in +her large blue eyes. She was a wonderful Amazon, and had once raced old +Lord Bilton on her pony twice round the park, winning by a length and a +half, just in front of the Achilles statue, to the huge delight of the +young Duke of Cheshire, who proposed for her on the spot, and was sent +back to Eton that very night by his guardians, in floods of tears. +After Virginia came the twins, who were usually called "The Stars and +Stripes," as they were always getting swished. They were delightful +boys, and, with the exception of the worthy Minister, the only true +republicans of the family. + +As Canterville Chase is seven miles from Ascot, the nearest railway +station, Mr. Otis had telegraphed for a wagonette to meet them, and they +started on their drive in high spirits. It was a lovely July evening, +and the air was delicate with the scent of the pinewoods. Now and then +they heard a wood-pigeon brooding over its own sweet voice, or saw, deep +in the rustling fern, the burnished breast of the pheasant. Little +squirrels peered at them from the beech-trees as they went by, and the +rabbits scudded away through the brushwood and over the mossy knolls, +with their white tails in the air. As they entered the avenue of +Canterville Chase, however, the sky became suddenly overcast with +clouds, a curious stillness seemed to hold the atmosphere, a great +flight of rooks passed silently over their heads, and, before they +reached the house, some big drops of rain had fallen. + +Standing on the steps to receive them was an old woman, neatly dressed +in black silk, with a white cap and apron. This was Mrs. Umney, the +housekeeper, whom Mrs. Otis, at Lady Canterville's earnest request, had +consented to keep in her former position. She made them each a low +curtsy as they alighted, and said in a quaint, old-fashioned manner, "I +bid you welcome to Canterville Chase." Following her, they passed +through the fine Tudor hall into the library, a long, low room, paneled +in black oak, at the end of which was a large stained glass window. Here +they found tea laid out for them, and, after taking off their wraps, +they sat down and began to look round, while Mrs. Umney waited on them. + +Suddenly Mrs. Otis caught sight of a dull red stain on the floor just by +the fireplace, and, quite unconscious of what it really signified, said +to Mrs. Umney, "I am afraid something has been spilled there." + +"Yes, madam," replied the old housekeeper in a low voice, "blood has +been spilled on that spot." + +"How horrid!" cried Mrs. Otis; "I don't at all care for blood-stains in +a sitting-room. It must be removed at once." + +The old woman smiled, and answered in the same low, mysterious voice, +"It is the blood of Lady Eleanore de Canterville, who was murdered on +that very spot by her own husband, Sir Simon de Canterville, in 1575. +Sir Simon survived her nine years, and disappeared suddenly under very +mysterious circumstances. His body has never been discovered, but his +guilty spirit still haunts the Chase. The blood-stain has been much +admired by tourists and others, and cannot be removed." + +"That is all nonsense," cried Washington Otis; "Pinkerton's Champion +Stain Remover and Paragon Detergent will clean it up in no time," and +before the terrified housekeeper could interfere, he had fallen upon his +knees, and was rapidly scouring the floor with a small stick of what +looked like a black cosmetic. In a few moments no trace of the +blood-stain could be seen. + +"I knew Pinkerton would do it," he exclaimed, triumphantly, as he looked +round at his admiring family; but no sooner had he said these words than +a terrible flash of lightning lit up the somber room, a fearful peal of +thunder made them all start to their feet, and Mrs. Umney fainted. + +"What a monstrous climate!" said the American Minister, calmly, as he +lit a long cheroot. "I guess the old country is so overpopulated that +they have not enough decent weather for everybody. I have always been of +opinion that emigration is the only thing for England." + +"My dear Hiram," cried Mrs. Otis, "what can we do with a woman who +faints?" + +"Charge it to her like breakages," answered the Minister; "she won't +faint after that"; and in a few moments Mrs. Umney certainly came to. +There was no doubt, however, that she was extremely upset, and she +sternly warned Mr. Otis to beware of some trouble coming to the house. + +"I have seen things with my own eyes, sir," she said, "that would make +any Christian's hair stand on end, and many and many a night I have not +closed my eyes in sleep for the awful things that are done here." Mr. +Otis, however, and his wife warmly assured the honest soul that they +were not afraid of ghosts, and, after invoking the blessings of +Providence on her new master and mistress, and making arrangements for +an increase of salary, the old housekeeper tottered off to her own room. + + +II + +The storm raged fiercely all that night, but nothing of particular note +occurred. The next morning, however, when they came down to breakfast, +they found the terrible stain of blood once again on the floor. "I don't +think it can be the fault of the Paragon Detergent," said Washington, +"for I have tried it with everything. It must be the ghost." He +accordingly rubbed out the stain a second time, but the second morning +it appeared again. The third morning also it was there, though the +library had been locked up at night by Mr. Otis himself, and the key +carried upstairs. The whole family were now quite interested; Mr. Otis +began to suspect that he had been too dogmatic in his denial of the +existence of ghosts, Mrs. Otis expressed her intention of joining the +Psychical Society, and Washington prepared a long letter to Messrs. +Myers and Podmore on the subject of the Permanence of Sanguineous Stains +when connected with Crime. That night all doubts about the objective +existence of phantasmata were removed forever. + +The day had been warm and sunny; and, in the cool of the evening, the +whole family went out to drive. They did not return home till nine +o'clock, when they had a light supper. The conversation in no way turned +upon ghosts, so there were not even those primary conditions of +receptive expectations which so often precede the presentation of +psychical phenomena. The subjects discussed, as I have since learned +from Mr. Otis, were merely such as form the ordinary conversation of +cultured Americans of the better class, such as the immense superiority +of Miss Fanny Devonport over Sarah Bernhardt as an actress; the +difficulty of obtaining green corn, buckwheat cakes, and hominy, even in +the best English houses; the importance of Boston in the development of +the world-soul; the advantages of the baggage-check system in railway +traveling; and the sweetness of the New York accent as compared to the +London drawl. No mention at all was made of the supernatural, nor was +Sir Simon de Canterville alluded to in any way. At eleven o'clock the +family retired, and by half-past all the lights were out. Some time +after, Mr. Otis was awakened by a curious noise in the corridor, outside +his room. It sounded like the clank of metal, and seemed to be coming +nearer every moment. He got up at once, struck a match, and looked at +the time. It was exactly one o'clock. He was quite calm, and felt his +pulse, which was not at all feverish. The strange noise still continued, +and with it he heard distinctly the sound of footsteps. He put on his +slippers, took a small oblong phial out of his dressing-case, and opened +the door. Right in front of him he saw, in the wan moonlight, an old man +of terrible aspect. His eyes were as red burning coals; long gray hair +fell over his shoulders in matted coils; his garments, which were of +antique cut, were soiled and ragged, and from his wrists and ankles hung +heavy manacles and rusty gyves. + +"My dear sir," said Mr. Otis, "I really must insist on your oiling those +chains, and have brought you for that purpose a small bottle of the +Tammany Rising Sun Lubricator. It is said to be completely efficacious +upon one application, and there are several testimonials to that effect +on the wrapper from some of our most eminent native divines. I shall +leave it here for you by the bedroom candles, and will be happy to +supply you with more, should you require it." With these words the +United States Minister laid the bottle down on a marble table, and, +closing his door, retired to rest. + +For a moment the Canterville ghost stood quite motionless in natural +indignation; then, dashing the bottle violently upon the polished floor, +he fled down the corridor, uttering hollow groans, and emitting a +ghastly green light. Just, however, as he reached the top of the great +oak staircase, a door was flung open, two little white-robed figures +appeared, and a large pillow whizzed past his head! There was evidently +no time to be lost, so, hastily adopting the Fourth dimension of Space +as a means of escape, he vanished through the wainscoting, and the +house became quite quiet. + +On reaching a small secret chamber in the left wing, he leaned up +against a moonbeam to recover his breath, and began to try and realize +his position. Never, in a brilliant and uninterrupted career of three +hundred years, had he been so grossly insulted. He thought of the +Dowager Duchess, whom he had frightened into a fit as she stood before +the glass in her lace and diamonds; of the four housemaids, who had gone +into hysterics when he merely grinned at them through the curtains on +one of the spare bedrooms; of the rector of the parish, whose candle he +had blown out as he was coming late one night from the library, and who +had been under the care of Sir William Gull ever since, a perfect martyr +to nervous disorders; and of old Madame de Tremouillac, who, having +wakened up one morning early and seen a skeleton seated in an arm-chair +by the fire reading her diary, had been confined to her bed for six +weeks with an attack of brain fever, and, on her recovery, had become +reconciled to the Church, and broken off her connection with that +notorious skeptic, Monsieur de Voltaire. He remembered the terrible +night when the wicked Lord Canterville was found choking in his +dressing-room, with the knave of diamonds halfway down his throat, and +confessed, just before he died, that he had cheated Charles James Fox +out of L50,000 at Crockford's by means of that very card, and swore that +the ghost had made him swallow it. All his great achievements came back +to him again, from the butler who had shot himself in the pantry because +he had seen a green hand tapping at the windowpane, to the beautiful +Lady Stutfield, who was always obliged to wear a black velvet band round +her throat to hide the mark of five fingers burnt upon her white skin, +and who drowned herself at last in the carp-pond at the end of the +King's Walk. With the enthusiastic egotism of the true artist, he went +over his most celebrated performances, and smiled bitterly to himself as +he recalled to mind his last appearance as "Red Reuben, or the Strangled +Babe," his _debut_ as "Gaunt Gibeon, the Blood-sucker of Bexley Moor," +and the _furore_ he had excited one lovely June evening by merely +playing ninepins with his own bones upon the lawn-tennis ground. And +after all this some wretched modern Americans were to come and offer him +the Rising Sun Lubricator, and throw pillows at his head! It was quite +unbearable. Besides, no ghost in history had ever been treated in this +manner. Accordingly, he determined to have vengeance, and remained till +daylight in an attitude of deep thought. + + +III + +The next morning, when the Otis family met at breakfast, they discussed +the ghost at some length. The United States Minister was naturally a +little annoyed to find that his present had not been accepted. "I have +no wish," he said, "to do the ghost any personal injury, and I must say +that, considering the length of time he has been in the house, I don't +think it is at all polite to throw pillows at him,"--a very just remark, +at which, I am sorry to say, the twins burst into shouts of laughter. +"Upon the other hand," he continued, "if he really declines to use the +Rising Sun Lubricator, we shall have to take his chains from him. It +would be quite impossible to sleep, with such a noise going on outside +the bedrooms." + +For the rest of the week, however, they were undisturbed, the only thing +that excited any attention being the continual renewal of the +blood-stain on the library floor. This certainly was very strange, as +the door was always locked at night by Mr. Otis, and the windows kept +closely barred. The chameleon-like color, also, of the stain excited a +good deal of comment. Some mornings it was a dull (almost Indian) red, +then it would be vermilion, then a rich purple, and once when they came +down for family prayers, according to the simple rites of the Free +American Reformed Episcopalian Church, they found it a bright +emerald-green. These kaleidoscopic changes naturally amused the party +very much, and bets on the subject were freely made every evening. The +only person who did not enter into the joke was little Virginia, who, +for some unexplained reason, was always a good deal distressed at the +sight of the blood-stain, and very nearly cried the morning it was +emerald-green. + +The second appearance of the ghost was on Sunday night. Shortly after +they had gone to bed they were suddenly alarmed by a fearful crash in +the hall. Rushing downstairs, they found that a large suit of old armor +had become detached from its stand, and had fallen on the stone floor, +while seated in a high-backed chair was the Canterville ghost, rubbing +his knees with an expression of acute agony on his face. The twins, +having brought their pea-shooters with them, at once discharged two +pellets on him, with that accuracy of aim which can only be attained by +long and careful practice on a writing-master, while the United States +Minister covered him with his revolver, and called upon him, in +accordance with Californian etiquette, to hold up his hands! The ghost +started up with a wild shriek of rage, and swept through them like a +mist, extinguishing Washington Otis's candle as he passed, and so +leaving them all in total darkness. On reaching the top of the staircase +he recovered himself, and determined to give his celebrated peal of +demoniac laughter. This he had on more than one occasion found extremely +useful. It was said to have turned Lord Raker's wig gray in a single +night, and had certainly made three of Lady Canterville's French +governesses give warning before their month was up. He accordingly +laughed his most horrible laugh, till the old vaulted roof rang and rang +again, but hardly had the fearful echo died away when a door opened, +and Mrs. Otis came out in a light blue dressing-gown. "I am afraid you +are far from well," she said, "and have brought you a bottle of Doctor +Dobell's tincture. If it is indigestion, you will find it a most +excellent remedy." The ghost glared at her in fury, and began at once to +make preparations for turning himself into a large black dog, an +accomplishment for which he was justly renowned, and to which the family +doctor always attributed the permanent idiocy of Lord Canterville's +uncle, the Hon. Thomas Horton. The sound of approaching footsteps, +however, made him hesitate in his fell purpose, so he contented himself +with becoming faintly phosphorescent, and vanished with a deep +churchyard groan, just as the twins had come up to him. + +On reaching his room he entirely broke down, and became a prey to the +most violent agitation. The vulgarity of the twins, and the gross +materialism of Mrs. Otis, were naturally extremely annoying, but what +really distressed him most was that he had been unable to wear the suit +of mail. He had hoped that even modern Americans would be thrilled by +the sight of a Specter in armor, if for no more sensible reason, at +least out of respect for their national poet Longfellow, over whose +graceful and attractive poetry he himself had whiled away many a weary +hour when the Cantervilles were up in town. Besides it was his own suit. +He had worn it with great success at the Kenilworth tournament, and had +been highly complimented on it by no less a person than the Virgin Queen +herself. Yet when he had put it on, he had been completely overpowered +by the weight of the huge breastplate and steel casque, and had fallen +heavily on the stone pavement, barking both his knees severely, and +bruising the knuckles of his right hand. + +For some days after this he was extremely ill, and hardly stirred out of +his room at all, except to keep the blood-stain in proper repair. +However, by taking great care of himself, he recovered, and resolved to +make a third attempt to frighten the United States Minister and his +family. He selected Friday, August 17th, for his appearance, and spent +most of that day in looking over his wardrobe, ultimately deciding in +favor of a large slouched hat with a red feather, a winding-sheet +frilled at the wrists and neck, and a rusty dagger. Towards evening a +violent storm of rain came on, and the wind was so high that all the +windows and doors in the old house shook and rattled. In fact, it was +just such weather as he loved. His plan of action was this. He was to +make his way quietly to Washington Otis's room, gibber at him from the +foot of the bed, and stab himself three times in the throat to the sound +of low music. He bore Washington a special grudge, being quite aware +that it was he who was in the habit of removing the famous Canterville +blood-stain by means of Pinkerton's Paragon Detergent. Having reduced +the reckless and foolhardy youth to a condition of abject terror, he +was then to proceed to the room occupied by the United States Minister +and his wife, and there to place a clammy hand on Mrs. Otis's forehead, +while he hissed into her trembling husband's ear the awful secrets of +the charnel-house. With regard to little Virginia, he had not quite made +up his mind. She had never insulted him in any way, and was pretty and +gentle. A few hollow groans from the wardrobe, he thought, would be more +than sufficient, or, if that failed to wake her, he might grabble at the +counterpane with palsy-twitching fingers. As for the twins, he was quite +determined to teach them a lesson. The first thing to be done was, of +course, to sit upon their chests, so as to produce the stifling +sensation of nightmare. Then, as their beds were quite close to each +other, to stand between them in the form of a green, icy-cold corpse, +till they became paralyzed with fear, and finally, to throw off the +winding-sheet, and crawl round the room, with white, bleached bones and +one rolling eyeball in the character of "Dumb Daniel, or the Suicide's +Skeleton," a _role_ in which he had on more than one occasion produced a +great effect, and which he considered quite equal to his famous part of +"Martin the Maniac, or the Masked Mystery." + +At half-past ten he heard the family going to bed. For some time he was +disturbed by wild shrieks of laughter from the twins, who, with the +light-hearted gayety of schoolboys, were evidently amusing themselves +before they retired to rest, but at a quarter-past eleven all was still, +and, as midnight sounded, he sallied forth. The owl beat against the +window-panes, the raven croaked from the old yew-tree, and the wind +wandered moaning round the house like a lost soul; but the Otis family +slept unconscious of their doom, and high above the rain and storm he +could hear the steady snoring of the Minister for the United States. He +stepped stealthily out of the wainscoting, with an evil smile on his +cruel, wrinkled mouth, and the moon hid her face in a cloud as he stole +past the great oriel window, where his own arms and those of his +murdered wife were blazoned in azure and gold. On and on he glided, like +an evil shadow, the very darkness seeming to loathe him as he passed. +Once he thought he heard something call, and stopped; but it was only +the baying of a dog from the Red Farm, and he went on, muttering strange +sixteenth century curses, and ever and anon brandishing the rusty dagger +in the midnight air. Finally he reached the corner of the passage that +led to luckless Washington's room. For a moment he paused there, the +wind blowing his long gray locks about his head, and twisting into +grotesque and fantastic folds the nameless horror of the dead man's +shroud. Then the clock struck the quarter, and he felt the time was +come. He chuckled to himself, and turned the corner; but no sooner had +he done so than, with a piteous wail of terror, he fell back, and hid +his blanched face in his long, bony hands. Right in front of him was +standing a horrible specter, motionless as a carven image, and monstrous +as a madman's dream! Its head was bald and burnished; its face round, +and fat, and white; and hideous laughter seemed to have writhed its +features into an eternal grin. From the eyes streamed rays of scarlet +light, the mouth was a wide well of fire, and a hideous garment, like to +his own, swathed with its silent snows the Titan form. On its breast was +a placard with strange writing in antique characters, some scroll of +shame it seemed, some record of wild sins, some awful calendar of crime, +and, with its right hand, it bore aloft a falchion of gleaming steel. + +Never having seen a ghost before, he naturally was terribly frightened, +and, after a second hasty glance at the awful phantom, he fled back to +his room, tripping up in his long winding-sheet as he sped down the +corridor, and finally dropping the rusty dagger into the Minister's +jack-boots, where it was found in the morning by the butler. Once in the +privacy of his own apartment, he flung himself down on a small +pallet-bed, and hid his face under the clothes. After a time, however, +the brave old Canterville spirit asserted itself, and he determined to +go and speak to the other ghost as soon as it was daylight. Accordingly, +just as the dawn was touching the hills with silver, he returned towards +the spot where he had first laid eyes on the grisly phantom, feeling +that, after all, two ghosts were better than one, and that, by the aid +of his new friend, he might safely grapple with the twins. On reaching +the spot, however, a terrible sight met his gaze. Something had +evidently happened to the specter, for the light had entirely faded from +its hollow eyes, the gleaming falchion had fallen from its hand, and it +was leaning up against the wall in a strained and uncomfortable +attitude. He rushed forward and seized it in his arms, when, to his +horror, the head slipped off and rolled on the floor, the body assumed a +recumbent posture, and he found himself clasping a white dimity +bed-curtain, with a sweeping-brush, a kitchen cleaver, and a hollow +turnip lying at his feet! Unable to understand this curious +transformation, he clutched the placard with feverish haste, and there, +in the gray morning light, he read these fearful words: + + YE OTIS GHOSTE + Ye Onlie True and Originale Spook, + Beware of Ye Imitationes. + All others are counterfeite. + +The whole thing flashed across him. He had been tricked, foiled, and +outwitted! The old Canterville look came into his eyes; he ground his +toothless gums together; and, raising his withered hands high above his +head, swore according to the picturesque phraseology of the antique +school, that, when Chanticleer had sounded twice his merry horn, deeds +of blood would be wrought, and murder walk abroad with silent feet. + +Hardly had he finished this awful oath when, from the red-tiled roof of +a distant homestead, a cock crew. He laughed a long, low, bitter laugh, +and waited. Hour after hour he waited, but the cock, for some strange +reason, did not crow again. Finally, at half-past seven, the arrival of +the housemaids made him give up his fearful vigil, and he stalked back +to his room, thinking of his vain oath and baffled purpose. There he +consulted several books of ancient chivalry, of which he was exceedingly +fond, and found that, on every occasion on which this oath had been +used, Chanticleer had always crowed a second time. "Perdition seize the +naughty fowl," he muttered, "I have seen the day when, with my stout +spear, I would have run him through the gorge, and made him crow for me +an 'twere in death!" He then retired to a comfortable lead coffin, and +stayed there till evening. + + +IV + +The next day the ghost was very weak and tired. The terrible excitement +of the last four weeks was beginning to have its effect. His nerves were +completely shattered, and he started at the slightest noise. For five +days he kept his room, and at last made up his mind to give up the point +of the blood-stain on the library floor. If the Otis family did not +want it, they clearly did not deserve it. They were evidently people on +a low, material plane of existence, and quite incapable of appreciating +the symbolic value of sensuous phenomena. The question of phantasmic +apparitions, and the development of astral bodies, was of course quite a +different matter, and really not under his control. It was his solemn +duty to appear in the corridor once a week, and to gibber from the large +oriel window on the first and third Wednesdays in every month, and he +did not see how he could honorably escape from his obligations. It is +quite true that his life had been very evil, but, upon the other hand, +he was most conscientious in all things connected with the supernatural. +For the next three Saturdays, accordingly, he traversed the corridor as +usual between midnight and three o'clock, taking every possible +precaution against being either heard or seen. He removed his boots, +trod as lightly as possible on the old worm-eaten boards, wore a large +black velvet cloak, and was careful to use the Rising Sun Lubricator for +oiling his chains. I am bound to acknowledge that it was with a good +deal of difficulty that he brought himself to adopt this last mode of +protection. However, one night, while the family were at dinner, he +slipped into Mr. Otis's bedroom and carried off the bottle. He felt a +little humiliated at first, but afterwards was sensible enough to see +that there was a great deal to be said for the invention, and, to a +certain degree, it served his purpose. Still, in spite of everything he +was not left unmolested. Strings were continually being stretched across +the corridor, over which he tripped in the dark, and on one occasion, +while dressed for the part of "Black Isaac, or the Huntsman of Hogley +Woods," he met with a severe fall, through treading on a butter-slide, +which the twins had constructed from the entrance of the Tapestry +Chamber to the top of the oak staircase. This last insult so enraged him +that he resolved to make one final effort to assert his dignity and +social position, and determined to visit the insolent young Etonians the +next night in his celebrated character of "Reckless Rupert, or the +Headless Earl." + +He had not appeared in this disguise for more than seventy years; in +fact, not since he had so frightened pretty Lady Barbara Modish by means +of it, that she suddenly broke off her engagement with the present Lord +Canterville's grandfather, and ran away to Gretna Green with handsome +Jack Castletown, declaring that nothing in the world would induce her to +marry into a family that allowed such a horrible phantom to walk up and +down the terrace at twilight. Poor Jack was afterwards shot in a duel by +Lord Canterville on Wandsworth Common, and Lady Barbara died of a broken +heart at Tunbridge Wells before the year was out, so, in every way, it +had been a great success. It was, however, an extremely difficult +"make-up," if I may use such a theatrical expression in connection with +one of the greatest mysteries of the supernatural, or, to employ a more +scientific term, the higher-natural world, and it took him fully three +hours to make his preparations. At last everything was ready, and he was +very pleased with his appearance. The big leather riding-boots that went +with the dress were just a little too large for him, and he could only +find one of the two horse-pistols, but, on the whole, he was quite +satisfied, and at a quarter-past one he glided out of the wainscoting +and crept down the corridor. On reaching the room occupied by the twins, +which I should mention was called the Blue Bed Chamber on account of the +color of its hangings, he found the door just ajar. Wishing to make an +effective entrance, he flung it wide open, when a heavy jug of water +fell right down on him, wetting him to the skin, and just missing his +left shoulder by a couple of inches. At the same moment he heard stifled +shrieks of laughter proceeding from the four-post bed. The shock to his +nervous system was so great that he fled back to his room as hard as he +could go, and the next day he was laid up with a severe cold. The only +thing that at all consoled him in the whole affair was the fact that he +had not brought his head with him, for, had he done so, the consequences +might have been very serious. + +He now gave up all hope of ever frightening this rude American family, +and contented himself, as a rule, with creeping about the passages in +list slippers, with a thick red muffler round his throat for fear of +draughts, and a small arquebus, in case he should be attacked by the +twins. The final blow he received occurred on the 19th of September. He +had gone downstairs to the great entrance-hall feeling sure that there, +at any rate, he would be quite unmolested, and was amusing himself by +making satirical remarks on the large Saroni photographs of the United +States Minister and his wife, which had now taken the place of the +Canterville family pictures. He was simply but neatly clad in a long +shroud, spotted with churchyard mold, had tied up his jaw with a strip +of yellow linen, and carried a small lantern and a sexton's spade. In +fact, he was dressed for the character of "Jonas the Graveless, or the +Corpse-Snatcher of Chertsey Barn," one of his most remarkable +impersonations, and one which the Cantervilles had every reason to +remember, as it was the real origin of their quarrel with their +neighbor, Lord Rufford. It was about a quarter-past two o'clock in the +morning, and, as far as he could ascertain, no one was stirring. As he +was strolling towards the library, however, to see if there were any +traces left of the blood-stain, suddenly there leaped out on him from a +dark corner two figures, who waved their arms wildly above their heads, +and shrieked out "BOO!" in his ear. + +Seized with a panic, which, under the circumstances, was only natural, +he rushed for the staircase, but found Washington Otis waiting for him +there with the big garden-syringe, and being thus hemmed in by his +enemies on every side, and driven almost to bay, he vanished into the +great iron stove, which, fortunately for him, was not lit, and had to +make his way home through the flues and chimneys, arriving at his own +room in a terrible state of dirt, disorder, and despair. + +After this he was not seen again on any nocturnal expedition. The twins +lay in wait for him on several occasions, and strewed the passages with +nutshells every night to the great annoyance of their parents and the +servants, but it was of no avail. It was quite evident that his feelings +were so wounded that he would not appear. Mr. Otis consequently resumed +his great work on the history of the Democratic party, on which he had +been engaged for some years; Mrs. Otis organized a wonderful clam-bake, +which amazed the whole county; the boys took to lacrosse, euchre, poker, +and other American national games, and Virginia rode about the lanes on +her pony, accompanied by the young Duke of Cheshire, who had come to +spend the last week of his holidays at Canterville Chase. It was +generally assumed that the ghost had gone away, and, in fact, Mr. Otis +wrote a letter to that effect to Lord Canterville, who, in reply, +expressed his great pleasure at the news, and sent his best +congratulations to the Minister's worthy wife. + +The Otises, however, were deceived, for the ghost was still in the +house, and though now almost an invalid, was by no means ready to let +matters rest, particularly as he heard that among the guests was the +young Duke of Cheshire, whose grand-uncle, Lord Francis Stilton, had +once bet a hundred guineas with Colonel Carbury that he would play dice +with the Canterville ghost, and was found the next morning lying on the +floor of the card-room in such a helpless paralytic state that, though +he lived on to a great age, he was never able to say anything again but +"Double Sixes." The story was well known at the time, though, of course, +out of respect to the feelings of the two noble families, every attempt +was made to hush it up, and a full account of all the circumstances +connected with it will be found in the third volume of Lord Tattle's +_Recollections of the Prince Regent and his Friends_. The ghost, then, +was naturally very anxious to show that he had not lost his influence +over the Stiltons, with whom, indeed, he was distantly connected, his +own first cousin having been married _en secondes noces_ to the Sieur de +Bulkeley, from whom, as everyone knows, the Dukes of Cheshire are +lineally descended. Accordingly, he made arrangements for appearing to +Virginia's little lover in his celebrated impersonation of "The Vampire +Monk, or the Bloodless Benedictine," a performance so horrible that when +old Lady Startup saw it, which she did on one fatal New Year's Eve, in +the year 1764, she went off into the most piercing shrieks, which +culminated in violent apoplexy, and died in three days, after +disinheriting the Cantervilles, who were her nearest relations, and +leaving all her money to her London apothecary. At the last moment, +however, his terror of the twins prevented his leaving his room, and the +little Duke slept in peace under the great feathered canopy in the Royal +Bedchamber, and dreamed of Virginia. + + +V + +A few days after this, Virginia and her curly-haired cavalier went out +riding on Brockley meadows, where she tore her habit so badly in getting +through a hedge that, on their return home, she made up her mind to go +up by the back staircase so as not to be seen. As she was running past +the Tapestry Chamber, the door of which happened to be open, she fancied +she saw someone inside, and thinking it was her mother's maid, who +sometimes used to bring her work there, looked in to ask her to mend her +habit. To her immense surprise, however, it was the Canterville ghost +himself! He was sitting by the window, watching the ruined gold of the +yellowing trees fly through the air, and the red leaves dancing madly +down the long avenue. His head was leaning on his hand, and his whole +attitude was one of extreme depression. Indeed, so forlorn, and so much +out of repair did he look, that little Virginia, whose first idea had +been to run away and lock herself in her room, was filled with pity, and +determined to try and comfort him. So light was her footfall, and so +deep his melancholy, that he was not aware of her presence till she +spoke to him. + +"I am so sorry for you," she said, "but my brothers are going back to +Eton to-morrow, and then, if you behave yourself, no one will annoy +you." + +"It is absurd asking me to behave myself," he answered, looking round in +astonishment at the pretty little girl who had ventured to address him, +"quite absurd. I must rattle my chains, and groan through keyholes, and +walk about at night, if that is what you mean. It is my only reason for +existing." + +"It is no reason at all for existing, and you know you have been very +wicked. Mrs. Umney told us, the first day we arrived here, that you had +killed your wife." + +"Well, I quite admit it," said the ghost, petulantly, "but it was a +purely family matter and concerned no one else." + +"It is very wrong to kill anyone," said Virginia, who at times had a +sweet puritan gravity, caught from some old New England ancestor. + +"Oh, I hate the cheap severity of abstract ethics! My wife was very +plain, never had my ruffs properly starched, and knew nothing about +cookery. Why, there was a buck I had shot in Hogley Woods, a magnificent +pricket, and do you know how she had it sent to table? However, it is no +matter now, for it is all over, and I don't think it was very nice of +her brothers to starve me to death, though I did kill her." + +"Starve you to death? Oh, Mr. Ghost--I mean Sir Simon, are you hungry? +I have a sandwich in my case. Would you like it?" + +"No, thank you, I never eat anything now; but it is very kind of you, +all the same, and you are much nicer than the rest of your horrid, rude, +vulgar, dishonest family." + +"Stop!" cried Virginia, stamping her foot, "it is you who are rude, and +horrid, and vulgar, and as for dishonesty, you know you stole the paints +out of my box to try and furbish up that ridiculous blood-stain in the +library. First you took all my reds, including the vermilion, and I +couldn't do any more sunsets, then you took the emerald-green and the +chrome-yellow, and finally I had nothing left but indigo and Chinese +white, and could only do moonlight scenes, which are always depressing +to look at, and not at all easy to paint. I never told on you, though I +was very much annoyed, and it was most ridiculous, the whole thing; for +who ever heard of emerald-green blood?" + +"Well, really," said the Ghost, rather meekly, "what was I to do? It is +a very difficult thing to get real blood nowadays, and, as your brother +began it all with his Paragon Detergent, I certainly saw no reason why I +should not have your paints. As for color, that is always a matter of +taste: the Cantervilles have blue blood, for instance, the very bluest +in England; but I know you Americans don't care for things of this +kind." + +"You know nothing about it, and the best thing you can do is to emigrate +and improve your mind. My father will be only too happy to give you a +free passage, and though there is a heavy duty on spirits of every kind, +there will be no difficulty about the Custom House, as the officers are +all Democrats. Once in New York, you are sure to be a great success. I +know lots of people there who would give a hundred thousand dollars to +have a grandfather, and much more than that to have a family ghost." + +"I don't think I should like America." + +"I suppose because we have no ruins and no curiosities," said Virginia, +satirically. + +"No ruins! no curiosities!" answered the Ghost; "you have your navy and +your manners." + +"Good evening; I will go and ask papa to get the twins an extra week's +holiday." + +"Please don't go, Miss Virginia," he cried; "I am so lonely and so +unhappy, and I really don't know what to do. I want to go to sleep and I +cannot." + +"That's quite absurd! You have merely to go to bed and blow out the +candle. It is very difficult sometimes to keep awake, especially at +church, but there is no difficulty at all about sleeping. Why, even +babies know how to do that, and they are not very clever." + +"I have not slept for three hundred years," he said sadly, and +Virginia's beautiful blue eyes opened in wonder; "for three hundred +years I have not slept, and I am so tired." + +Virginia grew quite grave, and her little lips trembled like +rose-leaves. She came towards him, and kneeling down at his side, +looked up into his old withered face. + +"Poor, poor ghost," she murmured; "have you no place where you can +sleep?" + +"Far away beyond the pinewoods," he answered, in a low, dreamy voice, +"there is a little garden. There the grass grows long and deep, there +are the great white stars of the hemlock flower, there the nightingale +sings all night long. All night long he sings, and the cold crystal moon +looks down, and the yew-tree spreads out its giant arms over the +sleepers." + +Virginia's eyes grew dim with tears, and she hid her face in her hands. + +"You mean the Garden of Death," she whispered. + +"Yes, death. Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, +with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have +no yesterday, and no to-morrow. To forget time, to forget life, to be at +peace. You can help me. You can open for me the portals of death's +house, for love is always with you, and love is stronger than death is." + +Virginia trembled, a cold shudder ran through her, and for a few moments +there was silence. She felt as if she was in a terrible dream. + +Then the ghost spoke again, and his voice sounded like the sighing of +the wind. + +"Have you ever read the old prophecy on the library window?" + +"Oh, often," cried the little girl, looking up; "I know it quite well. +It is painted in curious black letters, and is difficult to read. There +are only six lines: + + "'When a golden girl can win + Prayer from out the lips of sin, + When the barren almond bears, + And a little child gives away its tears, + Then shall all the house be still + And peace come to Canterville.' + +"But I don't know what they mean." + +"They mean," he said, sadly, "that you must weep with me for my sins, +because I have no tears, and pray with me for my soul, because I have no +faith, and then, if you have always been sweet, and good, and gentle, +the angel of death will have mercy on me. You will see fearful shapes in +darkness, and wicked voices will whisper in your ear, but they will not +harm you, for against the purity of a little child the powers of Hell +cannot prevail." + +Virginia made no answer, and the ghost wrung his hands in wild despair +as he looked down at her bowed golden head. Suddenly she stood up, very +pale, and with a strange light in her eyes. "I am not afraid," she said +firmly, "and I will ask the angel to have mercy on you." + +He rose from his seat with a faint cry of joy, and taking her hand bent +over it with old-fashioned grace and kissed it. His fingers were as cold +as ice, and his lips burned like fire, but Virginia did not falter, as +he led her across the dusky room. On the faded green tapestry were +broidered little huntsmen. They blew their tasseled horns and with their +tiny hands waved to her to go back. "Go back! little Virginia," they +cried, "go back!" but the ghost clutched her hand more tightly, and she +shut her eyes against them. Horrible animals with lizard tails and +goggle eyes blinked at her from the carven chimney-piece, and murmured, +"Beware! little Virginia, beware! we may never see you again," but the +ghost glided on more swiftly, and Virginia did not listen. When they +reached the end of the room he stopped, and muttered some words she +could not understand. She opened her eyes, and saw the wall slowly +fading away like a mist, and a great black cavern in front of her. A +bitter cold wind swept round them, and she felt something pulling at her +dress. "Quick, quick," cried the ghost, "or it will be too late," and in +a moment the wainscoting had closed behind them, and the Tapestry +Chamber was empty. + + +VI + +About ten minutes later, the bell rang for tea, and, as Virginia did not +come down, Mrs. Otis sent up one of the footmen to tell her. After a +little time he returned and said that he could not find Miss Virginia +anywhere. As she was in the habit of going out to the garden every +evening to get flowers for the dinner-table, Mrs. Otis was not at all +alarmed at first, but when six o'clock struck, and Virginia did not +appear, she became really agitated, and sent the boys out to look for +her, while she herself and Mr. Otis searched every room in the house. At +half-past six the boys came back and said that they could find no trace +of their sister anywhere. They were all now in the greatest state of +excitement, and did not know what to do, when Mr. Otis suddenly +remembered that, some few days before, he had given a band of gipsies +permission to camp in the park. He accordingly at once set off for +Blackfell Hollow, where he knew they were, accompanied by his eldest son +and two of the farm-servants. The little Duke of Cheshire, who was +perfectly frantic with anxiety, begged hard to be allowed to go too, but +Mr. Otis would not allow him, as he was afraid there might be a scuffle. +On arriving at the spot, however, he found that the gipsies had gone, +and it was evident that their departure had been rather sudden, as the +fire was still burning, and some plates were lying on the grass. Having +sent off Washington and the two men to scour the district, he ran home, +and dispatched telegrams to all the police inspectors in the county, +telling them to look out for a little girl who had been kidnapped by +tramps or gipsies. He then ordered his horse to be brought round, and +after insisting on his wife and the three boys sitting down to dinner, +rode off down the Ascot road with a groom. He had hardly, however, gone +a couple of miles, when he heard somebody galloping after him, and, +looking round, saw the little Duke coming up on his pony, with his face +very flushed, and no hat. "I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Otis," gasped out the +boy, "but I can't eat any dinner as long as Virginia is lost. Please +don't be angry with me; if you had let us be engaged last year, there +would never have been all this trouble. You won't send me back, will +you? I can't go! I won't go!" + +The Minister could not help smiling at the handsome young scapegrace, +and was a good deal touched at his devotion to Virginia, so leaning down +from his horse, he patted him kindly on the shoulders, and said, "Well, +Cecil, if you won't go back, I suppose you must come with me, but I must +get you a hat at Ascot." + +"Oh, bother my hat! I want Virginia!" cried the little Duke, laughing, +and they galloped on to the railway station. There Mr. Otis inquired of +the station-master if anyone answering to the description of Virginia +had been seen on the platform, but could get no news of her. The +station-master, however, wired up and down the line, and assured him +that a strict watch would be kept for her, and, after having bought a +hat for the little Duke from a linen-draper, who was just putting up his +shutters, Mr. Otis rode off to Bexley, a village about four miles away, +which he was told was a well-known haunt of the gipsies, as there was a +large common next to it. Here they roused up the rural policeman, but +could get no information from him, and, after riding all over the +common, they turned their horses' heads homewards, and reached the Chase +about eleven o'clock, dead-tired and almost heart-broken. They found +Washington and the twins waiting for them at the gate-house with +lanterns, as the avenue was very dark. Not the slightest trace of +Virginia had been discovered. The gipsies had been caught on Brockley +meadows, but she was not with them, and they had explained their sudden +departure by saying that they had mistaken the date of Chorton Fair, and +had gone off in a hurry for fear they should be late. Indeed, they had +been quite distressed at hearing of Virginia's disappearance, as they +were very grateful to Mr. Otis for having allowed them to camp in his +park, and four of their number had stayed behind to help in the search. +The carp-pond had been dragged, and the whole Chase thoroughly gone +over, but without any result. It was evident that, for that night at any +rate, Virginia was lost to them; and it was in a state of the deepest +depression that Mr. Otis and the boys walked up to the house, the groom +following behind with the two horses and the pony. In the hall they +found a group of frightened servants, and lying on a sofa in the library +was poor Mrs. Otis, almost out of her mind with terror and anxiety, and +having her forehead bathed with eau de cologne by the old housekeeper. +Mr. Otis at once insisted on her having something to eat, and ordered up +supper for the whole party. It was a melancholy meal, as hardly anyone +spoke, and even the twins were awestruck and subdued, as they were very +fond of their sister. When they had finished, Mr. Otis, in spite of the +entreaties of the little Duke, ordered them all to bed, saying that +nothing more could be done that night, and that he would telegraph in +the morning to Scotland Yard for some detectives to be sent down +immediately. Just as they were passing out of the dining-room, midnight +began to boom from the clock tower, and when the last stroke sounded +they heard a crash and a sudden shrill cry; a dreadful peal of thunder +shook the house, a strain of unearthly music floated through the air, a +panel at the top of the staircase flew back with a loud noise, and out +on the landing, looking very pale and white, with a little casket in her +hand, stepped Virginia. In a moment they had all rushed up to her. Mrs. +Otis clasped her passionately in her arms, the Duke smothered her with +violent kisses, and the twins executed a wild war-dance round the group. + +"Good heavens! child, where have you been?" said Mr. Otis, rather +angrily, thinking that she had been playing some foolish trick on them. +"Cecil and I have been riding all over the country looking for you, and +your mother has been frightened to death. You must never play these +practical jokes any more." + +"Except on the ghost! except on the ghost!" shrieked the twins, as they +capered about. + +"My own darling, thank God you are found; you must never leave my side +again," murmured Mrs. Otis, as she kissed the trembling child, and +smoothed the tangled gold of her hair. + +"Papa," said Virginia, quietly, "I have been with the ghost. He is dead, +and you must come and see him. He had been very wicked, but he was +really sorry for all that he had done, and he gave me this box of +beautiful jewels before he died." + +The whole family gazed at her in mute amazement, but she was quite grave +and serious; and, turning round, she led them through the opening in the +wainscoting down a narrow secret corridor, Washington following with a +lighted candle, which he had caught up from the table. Finally, they +came to a great oak door, studded with rusty nails. When Virginia +touched it, it swung back on its heavy hinges, and they found themselves +in a little low room, with a vaulted ceiling, and one tiny grated +window. Embedded in the wall was a huge iron ring, and chained to it was +a gaunt skeleton, that was stretched out at full length on the stone +floor, and seemed to be trying to grasp with its long fleshless fingers +an old-fashioned trencher and ewer, that were placed just out of its +reach. The jug had evidently been once filled with water, as it was +covered inside with green mold. There was nothing on the trencher but a +pile of dust. Virginia knelt down beside the skeleton, and, folding her +little hands together, began to pray silently, while the rest of the +party looked on in wonder at the terrible tragedy whose secret was now +disclosed to them. + +"Hallo!" suddenly exclaimed one of the twins, who had been looking out +of the window to try and discover in what wing of the house the room was +situated. "Hallo! the old withered almond-tree has blossomed. I can see +the flowers quite plainly in the moonlight." + +"God has forgiven him," said Virginia, gravely, as she rose to her feet, +and a beautiful light seemed to illumine her face. + +"What an angel you are!" cried the young Duke, and he put his arm round +her neck, and kissed her. + + +VII + +Four days after these curious incidents, a funeral started from +Canterville Chase at about eleven o'clock at night. The hearse was drawn +by eight black horses, each of which carried on its head a great tuft of +nodding ostrich-plumes, and the leaden coffin was covered by a rich +purple pall, on which was embroidered in gold the Canterville +coat-of-arms. By the side of the hearse and the coaches walked the +servants with lighted torches, and the whole procession was wonderfully +impressive. Lord Canterville was the chief mourner, having come up +specially from Wales to attend the funeral, and sat in the first +carriage along with little Virginia. Then came the United States +Minister and his wife, then Washington and the three boys, and in the +last carriage was Mrs. Umney. It was generally felt that, as she had +been frightened by the ghost for more than fifty years of her life, she +had a right to see the last of him. A deep grave had been dug in the +corner of the churchyard, just under the old yew-tree, and the service +was read in the most impressive manner by the Rev. Augustus Dampier. +When the ceremony was over, the servants, according to an old custom +observed in the Canterville family, extinguished their torches, and, as +the coffin was being lowered into the grave, Virginia stepped forward, +and laid on it a large cross made of white and pink almond-blossoms. As +she did so, the moon came out from behind a cloud, and flooded with its +silent silver the little churchyard, and from a distant copse a +nightingale began to sing. She thought of the ghost's description of the +Garden of Death, her eyes became dim with tears, and she hardly spoke a +word during the drive home. + +The next morning, before Lord Canterville went up to town, Mr. Otis had +an interview with him on the subject of the jewels the ghost had given +to Virginia. They were perfectly magnificent, especially a certain ruby +necklace with old Venetian setting, which was really a superb specimen +of sixteenth-century work, and their value was so great that Mr. Otis +felt considerable scruples about allowing his daughter to accept them. + +"My lord," he said, "I know that in this country mortmain is held to +apply to trinkets as well as to land, and it is quite clear to me that +these jewels are, or should be, heirlooms in your family. I must beg +you, accordingly, to take them to London with you, and to regard them +simply as a portion of your property which has been restored to you +under certain strange conditions. As for my daughter, she is merely a +child, and has as yet, I am glad to say, but little interest in such +appurtenances of idle luxury. I am also informed by Mrs. Otis, who, I +may say, is no mean authority upon Art,--having had the privilege of +spending several winters in Boston when she was a girl,--that these gems +are of great monetary worth, and if offered for sale would fetch a tall +price. Under these circumstances, Lord Canterville, I feel sure that you +will recognize how impossible it would be for me to allow them to remain +in the possession of any member of my family; and, indeed, all such vain +gauds and toys, however suitable or necessary to the dignity of the +British aristocracy, would be completely out of place among those who +have been brought up on the severe, and I believe immortal, principles +of Republican simplicity. Perhaps I should mention that Virginia is very +anxious that you should allow her to retain the box, as a memento of +your unfortunate but misguided ancestor. As it is extremely old, and +consequently a good deal out of repair, you may perhaps think fit to +comply with her request. For my own part, I confess I am a good deal +surprised to find a child of mine expressing sympathy with medievalism +in any form, and can only account for it by the fact that Virginia was +born in one of your London suburbs shortly after Mrs. Otis had returned +from a trip to Athens." + +Lord Canterville listened very gravely to the worthy Minister's speech, +pulling his gray moustache now and then to hide an involuntary smile, +and when Mr. Otis had ended, he shook him cordially by the hand, and +said: "My dear sir, your charming little daughter rendered my unlucky +ancestor, Sir Simon, a very important service, and I and my family are +much indebted to her for her marvelous courage and pluck. The jewels are +clearly hers, and, egad, I believe that if I were heartless enough to +take them from her, the wicked old fellow would be out of his grave in a +fortnight, leading me the devil of a life. As for their being heirlooms, +nothing is an heirloom that is not so mentioned in a will or legal +document, and the existence of these jewels has been quite unknown. I +assure you I have no more claim on them than your butler, and when Miss +Virginia grows up, I dare say she will be pleased to have pretty things +to wear. Besides, you forget, Mr. Otis, that you took the furniture and +the ghost at a valuation, and anything that belonged to the ghost passed +at once into your possession, as, whatever activity Sir Simon may have +shown in the corridor at night, in point of law he was really dead, and +you acquired his property by purchase." + +Mr. Otis was a good deal distressed at Lord Canterville's refusal, and +begged him to reconsider his decision, but the good-natured peer was +quite firm, and finally induced the Minister to allow his daughter to +retain the present the ghost had given her, and when, in the spring of +1890, the young Duchess of Cheshire was presented at the Queen's first +drawing-room on the occasion of her marriage her jewels were the +universal theme of admiration. For Virginia received the coronet, which +is the reward of all good little American girls, and was married to her +boy-lover as soon as he came of age. They were both so charming, and +they loved each other so much, that everyone was delighted at the match, +except the old Marchioness of Dumbleton, who had tried to catch the Duke +for one of her seven unmarried daughters, and had given no less than +three expensive dinner-parties for that purpose, and, strange to say, +Mr. Otis himself. Mr. Otis was extremely fond of the young Duke +personally, but, theoretically, he objected to titles, and, to use his +own words, "was not without apprehension lest, amid the enervating +influences of a pleasure-loving aristocracy, the true principles of +Republican simplicity should be forgotten." His objections, however, +were completely over-ruled, and I believe that when he walked up the +aisle of St. George's, Hanover Square, with his daughter leaning on his +arm, there was not a prouder man in the whole length and breadth of +England. + +The Duke and Duchess, after the honeymoon was over, went down to +Canterville Chase, and on the day after their arrival they walked over +in the afternoon to the lonely churchyard by the pinewoods. There had +been a great deal of difficulty at first about the inscription on Sir +Simon's tombstone, but finally it had been decided to engrave on it +simply the initials of the old gentleman's name, and the verse from the +library window. The Duchess had brought with her some lovely roses, +which she strewed upon the grave, and after they had stood by it for +some time they strolled into the ruined chancel of the old abbey. There +the Duchess sat down on a fallen pillar, while her husband lay at her +feet smoking a cigarette and looking up at her beautiful eyes. Suddenly +he threw his cigarette away, took hold of her hand, and said to her, +"Virginia, a wife should have no secrets from her husband." + +"Dear Cecil! I have no secrets from you." + +"Yes, you have," he answered, smiling, "you have never told me what +happened to you when you were locked up with the ghost." + +"I have never told anyone, Cecil," said Virginia, gravely. + +"I know that, but you might tell me." + +"Please don't ask me, Cecil, I cannot tell you. Poor Sir Simon! I owe +him a great deal. Yes, don't laugh, Cecil, I really do. He made me see +what Life is, and what Death signifies, and why Love is stronger than +both." + +The Duke rose and kissed his wife lovingly. + +"You can have your secret as long as I have your heart," he murmured. + +"You have always had that, Cecil." + +"And you will tell our children some day, won't you?" + +Virginia blushed. + + + + +THE GHOST-EXTINGUISHER + +BY GELETT BURGESS + +From the _Cosmopolitan Magazine_, April, 1905. By permission of John +Brisben Walker and Gelett Burgess. + + + + +The Ghost-Extinguisher + +BY GELETT BURGESS + + +My attention was first called to the possibility of manufacturing a +practicable ghost-extinguisher by a real-estate agent in San Francisco. + +"There's one thing," he said, "that affects city property here in a +curious way. You know we have a good many murders, and, as a +consequence, certain houses attain a very sensational and undesirable +reputation. These houses it is almost impossible to let; you can +scarcely get a decent family to occupy them rent-free. Then we have a +great many places said to be haunted. These were dead timber on my hands +until I happened to notice that the Japanese have no objections to +spooks. Now, whenever I have such a building to rent, I let it to Japs +at a nominal figure, and after they've taken the curse off, I raise the +rent, the Japs move out, the place is renovated, and in the market +again." + +The subject interested me, for I am not only a scientist, but a +speculative philosopher as well. The investigation of those phenomena +that lie upon the threshold of the great unknown has always been my +favorite field of research. I believed, even then, that the Oriental +mind, working along different lines than those which we pursue, has +attained knowledge that we know little of. Thinking, therefore, that +these Japs might have some secret inherited from their misty past, I +examined into the matter. + +I shall not trouble you with a narration of the incidents which led up +to my acquaintance with Hoku Yamanochi. Suffice it to say that I found +in him a friend who was willing to share with me his whole lore of +quasi-science. I call it this advisedly, for science, as we Occidentals +use the term, has to do only with the laws of matter and sensation; our +scientific men, in fact, recognize the existence of nothing else. The +Buddhistic philosophy, however, goes further. + +According to its theories, the soul is sevenfold, consisting of +different shells or envelopes--something like an onion--which are shed +as life passes from the material to the spiritual state. The first, or +lowest, of these is the corporeal body, which, after death, decays and +perishes. Next comes the vital principle, which, departing from the +body, dissipates itself like an odor, and is lost. Less gross than this +is the astral body, which, although immaterial, yet lies near to the +consistency of matter. This astral shape, released from the body at +death, remains for a while in its earthly environment, still preserving +more or less definitely the imprint of the form which it inhabited. + +It is this relic of a past material personality, this outworn shell, +that appears, when galvanized into an appearance of life, partly +materialized, as a ghost. It is not the soul that returns, for the soul, +which is immortal, is composed of the four higher spiritual essences +that surround the ego, and are carried on into the next life. These +astral bodies, therefore, fail to terrify the Buddhists, who know them +only as shadows, with no real volition. The Japs, in point of fact, have +learned how to exterminate them. + +There is a certain powder, Hoku informed me, which, when burnt in their +presence, transforms them from the rarefied, or semi-spiritual, +condition to the state of matter. The ghost, so to speak, is +precipitated into and becomes a material shape which can easily be +disposed of. In this state it is confined and allowed to disintegrate +slowly where it can cause no further annoyance. + +This long-winded explanation piqued my curiosity, which was not to be +satisfied until I had seen the Japanese method applied. It was not long +before I had an opportunity. A particularly revolting murder having been +committed in San Francisco, my friend Hoku Yamanochi applied for the +house, and, after the police had finished their examination, he was +permitted to occupy it for a half-year at the ridiculous price of three +dollars a month. He invited me to share his quarters, which were large +and luxuriously furnished. + +For a week, nothing abnormal occurred. Then, one night, I was awakened +by terrifying groans followed by a blood-curdling shriek which seemed +to emerge from a large closet in my room, the scene of the late +atrocity. I confess that I had all the covers pulled over my head and +was shivering with horror when my Japanese friend entered, wearing a +pair of flowered-silk pajamas. Hearing his voice, I peeped forth, to see +him smiling reassuringly. + +"You some kind of very foolish fellow," he said. "I show you how to fix +him!" + +He took from his pocket three conical red pastils, placed them upon a +saucer and lighted them. Then, holding the fuming dish in one +outstretched hand, he walked to the closed door and opened it. The +shrieks burst out afresh, and, as I recalled the appalling details of +the scene which had occurred in this very room only five weeks ago, I +shuddered at his temerity. But he was quite calm. + +Soon, I saw the wraith-like form of the recent victim dart from the +closet. She crawled under my bed and ran about the room, endeavoring to +escape, but was pursued by Hoku, who waved his smoking plate with +indefatigable patience and dexterity. + +At last he had her cornered, and the specter was caught behind a curtain +of odorous fumes. Slowly the figure grew more distinct, assuming the +consistency of a heavy vapor, shrinking somewhat in the operation. Hoku +now hurriedly turned to me. + +"You hully up, bling me one pair bellows pletty quick!" he commanded. + +I ran into his room and brought the bellows from his fireplace. These +he pressed flat, and then carefully inserting one toe of the ghost into +the nozzle and opening the handles steadily, he sucked in a portion of +the unfortunate woman's anatomy, and dexterously squirted the vapor into +a large jar, which had been placed in the room for the purpose. Two more +operations were necessary to withdraw the phantom completely from the +corner and empty it into the jar. At last the transfer was effected and +the receptacle securely stoppered and sealed. + +"In formeryore-time," Hoku explained to me, "old pliests sucked ghost +with mouth and spit him to inside of vase with acculacy. Modern-time +method more better for stomach and epiglottis." + +"How long will this ghost keep?" I inquired. + +"Oh, about four, five hundled years, maybe," was his reply. "Ghost now +change from spilit to matter, and comes under legality of matter as +usual science." + +"What are you going to do with her?" I asked. + +"Send him to Buddhist temple in Japan. Old pliest use him for high +celemony," was the answer. + +My next desire was to obtain some of Hoku Yamanochi's ghost-powder and +analyze it. For a while it defied my attempts, but, after many months of +patient research, I discovered that it could be produced, in all its +essential qualities, by means of a fusion of formaldehyde and +hypophenyltrybrompropionic acid in an electrified vacuum. With this +product I began a series of interesting experiments. + +As it became necessary for me to discover the habitat of ghosts in +considerable numbers, I joined the American Society for Psychical +Research, thus securing desirable information in regard to haunted +houses. These I visited persistently, until my powder was perfected and +had been proved efficacious for the capture of any ordinary house-broken +phantom. For a while I contented myself with the mere sterilization of +these specters, but, as I became surer of success, I began to attempt +the transfer of ghosts to receptacles wherein they could be transported +and studied at my leisure, classified and preserved for future +reference. + +Hoku's bellows I soon discarded in favor of a large-sized bicycle-pump, +and eventually I had constructed one of my own, of a pattern which +enabled me to inhale an entire ghost at a single stroke. With this +powerful instrument I was able to compress even an adult life-sized +ghost into a two-quart bottle, in the neck of which a sensitive valve +(patented) prevented the specter from emerging during process. + +My invention was not yet, however, quite satisfactory. While I had no +trouble in securing ghosts of recent creation--spirits, that is, who +were yet of almost the consistency of matter--on several of my trips +abroad in search of material I found in old manor houses or ruined +castles many specters so ancient that they had become highly rarefied +and tenuous, being at times scarcely visible to the naked eye. Such +elusive spirits are able to pass through walls and elude pursuit with +ease. It became necessary for me to obtain some instrument by which +their capture could be conveniently effected. + +The ordinary fire-extinguisher of commerce gave me the hint as to how +the problem could be solved. One of these portable hand-instruments I +filled with the proper chemicals. When inverted, the ingredients were +commingled in vacuo and a vast volume of gas was liberated. This was +collected in the reservoir provided with a rubber tube having a nozzle +at the end. The whole apparatus being strapped upon my back, I was +enabled to direct a stream of powerful precipitating gas in any desired +direction, the flow being under control through the agency of a small +stopcock. By means of this ghost-extinguisher I was enabled to pursue my +experiments as far as I desired. + +So far my investigations had been purely scientific, but before long the +commercial value of my discovery began to interest me. The ruinous +effects of spectral visitations upon real estate induced me to realize +some pecuniary reward from my ghost-extinguisher, and I began to +advertise my business. By degrees, I became known as an expert in my +original line, and my professional services were sought with as much +confidence as those of a veterinary surgeon. I manufactured the Gerrish +Ghost-Extinguisher in several sizes, and put it on the market, following +this venture with the introduction of my justly celebrated Gerrish +Ghost-Grenades. These hand-implements were made to be kept in racks +conveniently distributed in country houses for cases of sudden +emergency. A single grenade, hurled at any spectral form, would, in +breaking, liberate enough formaldybrom to coagulate the most perverse +spirit, and the resulting vapor could easily be removed from the room by +a housemaid with a common broom. + +This branch of my business, however, never proved profitable, for the +appearance of ghosts, especially in the United States, is seldom +anticipated. Had it been possible for me to invent a preventive as well +as a remedy, I might now be a millionaire; but there are limits even to +modern science. + +Having exhausted the field at home, I visited England in the hope of +securing customers among the country families there. To my surprise, I +discovered that the possession of a family specter was considered as a +permanent improvement to the property, and my offers of service in +ridding houses of ghostly tenants awakened the liveliest resentment. As +a layer of ghosts I was much lower in the social scale than a layer of +carpets. + +Disappointed and discouraged, I returned home to make a further study of +the opportunities of my invention. I had, it seemed, exhausted the +possibilities of the use of unwelcome phantoms. Could I not, I thought, +derive a revenue from the traffic in desirable specters? I decided to +renew my investigations. + +The nebulous spirits preserved in my laboratory, which I had graded and +classified, were, you will remember, in a state of suspended animation. +They were, virtually, embalmed apparitions, their inevitable decay +delayed, rather than prevented. The assorted ghosts that I had now +preserved in hermetically sealed tins were thus in a state of unstable +equilibrium. The tins once opened and the vapor allowed to dissipate, +the original astral body would in time be reconstructed and the +warmed-over specter would continue its previous career. But this +process, when naturally performed, took years. The interval was quite +too long for the phantom to be handled in any commercial way. My problem +was, therefore, to produce from my tinned Essence of Ghost a specter +that was capable of immediately going into business and that could haunt +a house while you wait. + +It was not until radium was discovered that I approached the solution of +my great problem, and even then months of indefatigable labor were +necessary before the process was perfected. It has now been well +demonstrated that the emanations of radiant energy sent forth by this +surprising element defy our former scientific conceptions of the +constitution of matter. It was for me to prove that the vibratory +activity of radium (whose amplitudes and intensity are undoubtedly +four-dimensional) effects a sort of allotropic modification in the +particles of that imponderable ether which seems to lie halfway between +matter and pure spirit. This is as far as I need to go in my +explanation, for a full discussion involves the use of quaternions and +the method of least squares. It will be sufficient for the layman to +know that my preserved phantoms, rendered radio-active, would, upon +contact with the air, resume their spectral shape. + +The possible extension of my business now was enormous, limited only by +the difficulty in collecting the necessary stock. It was by this time +almost as difficult to get ghosts as it was to get radium. Finding that +a part of my stock had spoiled, I was now possessed of only a few dozen +cans of apparitions, many of these being of inferior quality. I +immediately set about replenishing my raw material. It was not enough +for me to pick up a ghost here and there, as one might get old mahogany; +I determined to procure my phantoms in wholesale lots. + +Accident favored my design. In an old volume of _Blackwood's Magazine_ I +happened, one day, to come across an interesting article upon the battle +of Waterloo. It mentioned, incidentally, a legend to the effect that +every year, upon the anniversary of the celebrated victory, spectral +squadrons had been seen by the peasants charging battalions of ghostly +grenadiers. Here was my opportunity. + +I made elaborate preparations for the capture of this job lot of +phantoms upon the next anniversary of the fight. Hard by the fatal ditch +which engulfed Napoleon's cavalry I stationed a corps of able +assistants provided with rapid-fire extinguishers ready to enfilade the +famous sunken road. I stationed myself with a No. 4 model magazine-hose, +with a four-inch nozzle, directly in the path which I knew would be +taken by the advancing squadron. + +It was a fine, clear night, lighted, at first, by a slice of new moon; +but later, dark, except for the pale illumination of the stars. I have +seen many ghosts in my time--ghosts in garden and garret, at noon, at +dusk, at dawn, phantoms fanciful, and specters sad and spectacular--but +never have I seen such an impressive sight as this nocturnal charge of +cuirassiers, galloping in goblin glory to their time-honored doom. From +afar the French reserves presented the appearance of a nebulous mass, +like a low-lying cloud or fog-bank, faintly luminous, shot with +fluorescent gleams. As the squadron drew nearer in its desperate charge, +the separate forms of the troopers shaped themselves, and the galloping +guardsmen grew ghastly with supernatural splendor. + +Although I knew them to be immaterial and without mass or weight, I was +terrified at their approach, fearing to be swept under the hoofs of the +nightmares they rode. Like one in a dream, I started to run, but in +another instant they were upon me, and I turned on my stream of +formaldybrom. Then I was overwhelmed in a cloud-burst of wild warlike +wraiths. + +The column swept past me, over the bank, plunging to its historic fate. +The cut was piled full of frenzied, scrambling specters, as rank after +rank swept down into the horrid gut. At last the ditch swarmed full of +writhing forms and the carnage was dire. + +My assistants with the extinguishers stood firm, and although almost +unnerved by the sight, they summoned their courage, and directed +simultaneous streams of formaldybrom into the struggling mass of +fantoms. As soon as my mind returned, I busied myself with the huge +tanks I had prepared for use as receivers. These were fitted with a +mechanism similar to that employed in portable forges, by which the +heavy vapor was sucked off. Luckily the night was calm, and I was +enabled to fill a dozen cylinders with the precipitated ghosts. The +segregation of individual forms was, of course, impossible, so that men +and horses were mingled in a horrible mixture of fricasseed spirits. I +intended subsequently to empty the soup into a large reservoir and allow +the separate specters to reform according to the laws of spiritual +cohesion. + +Circumstances, however, prevented my ever accomplishing this result. I +returned home, to find awaiting me an order so large and important that +I had no time in which to operate upon my cylinders of cavalry. + +My patron was the proprietor of a new sanatorium for nervous invalids, +located near some medicinal springs in the Catskills. His building was +unfortunately located, having been built upon the site of a once-famous +summer hotel, which, while filled with guests, had burnt to the ground, +scores of lives having been lost. Just before the patients were to be +installed in the new structure, it was found that the place was haunted +by the victims of the conflagration to a degree that rendered it +inconvenient as a health resort. My professional services were +requested, therefore, to render the building a fitting abode for +convalescents. I wrote to the proprietor, fixing my charge at five +thousand dollars. As my usual rate was one hundred dollars per ghost, +and over a hundred lives were lost at the fire, I considered this price +reasonable, and my offer was accepted. + +The sanatorium job was finished in a week. I secured one hundred and two +superior spectral specimens, and upon my return to the laboratory, put +them up in heavily embossed tins with attractive labels in colors. + +My delight at the outcome of this business was, however, soon +transformed to anger and indignation. The proprietor of the health +resort, having found that the specters from his place had been sold, +claimed a rebate upon the contract price equal to the value of the +modified ghosts transferred to my possession. This, of course, I could +not allow. I wrote, demanding immediate payment according to our +agreement, and this was peremptorily refused. The manager's letter was +insulting in the extreme. The Pied Piper of Hamelin was not worse +treated than I felt myself to be; so, like the piper, I determined to +have my revenge. + +I got out the twelve tanks of Waterloo ghost-hash from the storerooms, +and treated them with radium for two days. These I shipped to the +Catskills billed as hydrogen gas. Then, accompanied by two trustworthy +assistants, I went to the sanatorium and preferred my demand for payment +in person. I was ejected with contumely. Before my hasty exit, however, +I had the satisfaction of noticing that the building was filled with +patients. Languid ladies were seated in wicker chairs upon the piazzas, +and frail anemic girls filled the corridors. It was a hospital of +nervous wrecks whom the slightest disturbance would throw into a panic. +I suppressed all my finer feelings of mercy and kindness and smiled +grimly as I walked back to the village. + +That night was black and lowering, fitting weather for the pandemonium I +was about to turn loose. At ten o'clock, I loaded a wagon with the tanks +of compressed cohorts, and, muffled in heavy overcoats, we drove to the +sanatorium. All was silent as we approached; all was dark. The wagon +concealed in a grove of pines, we took out the tanks one by one, and +placed them beneath the ground-floor windows. The sashes were easily +forced open, and raised enough to enable us to insert the rubber tubes +connected with the iron reservoirs. At midnight everything was ready. + +I gave the word, and my assistants ran from tank to tank, opening the +stopcocks. With a hiss as of escaping steam the huge vessels emptied +themselves, vomiting forth clouds of vapor, which, upon contact with the +air, coagulated into strange shapes as the white of an egg does when +dropped into boiling water. The rooms became instantly filled with +dismembered shades of men and horses seeking wildly to unite themselves +with their proper parts. + +Legs ran down the corridors, seeking their respective trunks, arms +writhed wildly reaching for missing bodies, heads rolled hither and yon +in search of native necks. Horses' tails and hoofs whisked and hurried +in quest of equine ownership until, reorganized, the spectral steeds +galloped about to find their riders. + +Had it been possible, I would have stopped this riot of wraiths long ere +this, for it was more awful than I had anticipated, but it was already +too late. Cowering in the garden, I began to hear the screams of +awakened and distracted patients. In another moment, the front door of +the hotel was burst open, and a mob of hysterical women in expensive +nightgowns rushed out upon the lawn, and huddled in shrieking groups. + +I fled into the night. + +I fled, but Napoleon's men fled with me. Compelled by I know not what +fatal astral attraction, perhaps the subtle affinity of the creature for +the creator, the spectral shells, moved by some mysterious mechanics of +spiritual being, pursued me with fatuous fury. I sought refuge, first, +in my laboratory, but, even as I approached, a lurid glare foretold me +of its destruction. As I drew nearer, the whole ghost-factory was seen +to be in flames; every moment crackling reports were heard, as the +over-heated tins of phantasmagoria exploded and threw their supernatural +contents upon the night. These liberated ghosts joined the army of +Napoleon's outraged warriors, and turned upon me. There was not enough +formaldybrom in all the world to quench their fierce energy. There was +no place in all the world safe for me from their visitation. No +ghost-extinguisher was powerful enough to lay the host of spirits that +haunted me henceforth, and I had neither time nor money left with which +to construct new Gatling quick-firing tanks. + +It is little comfort to me to know that one hundred nervous invalids +were completely restored to health by means of the terrific shock which +I administered. + + + + +"DEY AIN'T NO GHOSTS" + +BY ELLIS PARKER BUTLER + +From the _Century Magazine_, November, 1911. By permission of the +Century Company and Ellis Parker Butler. + + + + +"Dey Ain't No Ghosts" + +BY ELLIS PARKER BUTLER + + +Once 'pon a time dey was a li'l' black boy whut he name was Mose. An' +whin he come erlong to be 'bout knee-high to a mewel, he 'gin to git +powerful 'fraid ob ghosts, 'ca'se dat am sure a mighty ghostly location +whut he lib' in, 'ca'se dey 's a grabeyard in de hollow, an' a +buryin'-ground on de hill, an' a cemuntary in betwixt an' between, an' +dey ain't nuffin' but trees nowhar excipt in de clearin' by de shanty +an' down de hollow whar de pumpkin-patch am. + +An' whin de night come erlong, dey ain't no sounds _at_ all whut kin be +heard in dat locality but de rain-doves, whut mourn out, +"Oo-_oo_-o-o-o!" jes dat trembulous _an'_ scary, an' de owls, whut mourn +out, "Whut-_whoo_-o-o-o!" more trembulous an' scary dan dat, an' de +wind, whut mourn out, "You-_you_-o-o-o!" mos' scandalous' trembulous an' +scary ob all. Dat a powerful onpleasant locality for a li'l' black boy +whut he name was Mose. + +'Ca'se dat li'l' black boy he so specially black he can't be seen in de +dark _at_ all 'cept by de whites ob he eyes. So whin he go' outen de +house _at_ night, he ain't dast shut he eyes, 'ca'se den ain't nobody +can see him in de least. He jes as invidsible as nuffin'. An' who know' +but whut a great, big ghost bump right into him 'ca'se it can't see him? +An' dat shore w'u'd scare dat li'l' black boy powerful' bad, 'ca'se +yever'body knows whut a cold, damp pussonality a ghost is. + +So whin dat li'l' black Mose go' outen de shanty at night, he keep' he +eyes wide open, you may be shore. By day he eyes 'bout de size ob +butter-pats, an' come sundown he eyes 'bout de size ob saucers; but whin +he go' outen de shanty at night, he eyes am de size ob de white chiny +plate whut set on de mantel; an' it powerful' hard to keep eyes whut am +de size ob dat from a-winkin' an' a-blinkin'. + +So whin Hallowe'en come' erlong, dat li'l' black Mose he jes mek' up he +mind he ain't gwine outen he shack _at_ all. He cogitate he gwine stay +right snug in de shack wid he pa an' he ma, 'ca'se de rain-doves tek +notice dat de ghosts are philanderin' roun' de country, 'ca'se dey mourn +out, "Oo-_oo_-o-o-o!" an' de owls dey mourn out, "Whut-_whoo_-o-o-o!" +an' de wind mourn out, "You-_you_-o-o-o!" De eyes ob dat li'l' black +Mose dey as big as de white chiny plate whut set on de mantel by side de +clock, an' de sun jes a-settin'. + +So dat all right. Li'l' black Mose he scrooge' back in de corner by de +fireplace, an' he 'low' he gwine stay dere till he gwine _to_ bed. But +byme-by Sally Ann, whut live' up de road, draps in, an' Mistah Sally +Ann, whut is her husban', he draps in, an' Zack Badget an' de +school-teacher whut board' at Unc' Silas Diggs's house drap in, an' a +powerful lot ob folks drap in. An' li'l' black Mose he seen dat gwine be +one s'prise-party, an' he right down cheerful 'bout dat. + +So all dem folks shake dere hands an' 'low "Howdy," an' some ob dem say: +"Why, dere's li'l' Mose! Howdy, li'l' Mose?" An' he so please' he jes +grin' an' grin', 'ca'se he ain't reckon whut gwine happen. So byme-by +Sally Ann, whut live up de road, she say', "Ain't no sort o' Hallowe'en +lest we got a jack-o'-lantern." An' de school-teacher, whut board at +Unc' Silas Diggs's house, she 'low', "Hallowe'en jes no Hallowe'en _at_ +all 'thout we got a jack-o'-lantern." An' li'l' black Mose he stop' +a-grinnin', an' he scrooge' so far back in de corner he 'mos' scrooge +frough de wall. But dat ain't no use, 'ca'se he ma say', "Mose, go on +down to de pumpkin-patch an' fotch a pumpkin." + +"I ain't want to go," say' li'l' black Mose. + +"Go on erlong wid yo'," say' he ma, right commandin'. + +"I ain't want to go," say' Mose ag'in. + +"Why ain't yo' want to go?" he ma ask'. + +"'Ca'se I's afraid ob de ghosts," say' li'l' black Mose, an' dat de +particular truth an' no mistake. + +"Dey ain't no ghosts," say' de school-teacher, whut board at Unc' Silas +Diggs's house, right peart. + +"'Co'se dey ain't no ghosts," say' Zack Badget, whut dat 'fear'd ob +ghosts he ain't dar' come to li'l' black Mose's house ef de +school-teacher ain't ercompany him. + +"Go 'long wid your ghosts!" say li'l' black Mose's ma. + +"Wha' yo' pick up dat nomsense?" say' he pa. "Dey ain't no ghosts." + +An' dat whut all dat s'prise-party 'low: dey ain't no ghosts. An' dey +'low dey mus' hab a jack-o'-lantern or de fun all sp'iled. So dat li'l' +black boy whut he name is Mose he done got to fotch a pumpkin from de +pumpkin-patch down de hollow. So he step'outen de shanty an' he stan' on +de doorstep twell he get' he eyes pried open as big as de bottom ob he +ma's wash-tub, mostly, an' he say', "Dey ain't no ghosts." An' he put' +one foot on de ground, an' dat was de fust step. + +An' de rain-dove say', "OO-_oo_-o-o-o!" + +An' li'l' black Mose he tuck anudder step. + +An' de owl mourn' out, "Whut-_whoo_-o-o-o!" + +An' li'l' black Mose he tuck anudder step. + +An' de wind sob' out, "You-_you_-o-o-o!" + +An' li'l' black Mose he tuck one look ober he shoulder, an' he shut he +eyes so tight dey hurt round de aidges, an' he pick' up he foots an' +run. Yas, sah, he run' right peart fast. An' he say': "Dey ain't no +ghosts. Dey ain't no ghosts." An' he run' erlong de paff whut lead' by +de buryin'-ground on de hill, 'ca'se dey ain't no fince eround dat +buryin'-ground _at_ all. + +No fince; jes' de big trees whut de owls an' de rain-doves sot in an' +mourn an' sob, an' whut de wind sigh an' cry frough. An byme-by somefin' +jes' _brush_' li'l' Mose on de arm, which mek' him run jes a bit more +faster. An' byme-by somefin' jes brush' li'l' Mose on de cheek, which +mek' him run erbout as fast as he can. An' byme-by somefin' grab' li'l' +Mose by de aidge of he coat, an' he fight' an' struggle' an' cry out: +"Dey ain't no ghosts. Dey ain't no ghosts." An' dat ain't nuffin' but de +wild brier whut grab' him, an' dat ain't nuffin' but de leaf ob a tree +whut brush' he cheek, an' dat ain't nuffin' but de branch ob a +hazel-bush whut brush' he arm. But he downright scared jes de same, an' +he ain't lose no time, 'ca'se de wind an' de owls an' de rain-doves dey +signerfy whut ain't no good. So he scoot' past dat buryin'-ground whut +on de hill, an' dat cemuntary whut betwixt an' between, an' dat +grabeyard in de hollow, twell he come' to de pumpkin-patch, an' he +rotch' down an' tek' erhold ob de bestest pumpkin whut in de patch. An' +he right smart scared. He jes' de mostest scared li'l' black boy whut +yever was. He ain't gwine open he eyes fo' nuffin', 'ca'se de wind go, +"You-_you_-o-o-o!" an' de owls go, "Whut-_whoo_-o-o-o!" an' de +rain-doves go, "Oo-_oo_-o-o-o!" + +He jes speculate', "Dey ain't no ghosts," an' wish' he hair don't stand +on ind dat way. An' he jes cogitate', "Dey ain't no ghosts," an' wish' +he goose-pimples don't rise up dat way. An' he jes 'low', "Dey ain't no +ghosts," an' wish' he backbone ain't all trembulous wid chills dat way. +So he rotch' down, an' he rotch' down, twell he git' a good hold on dat +pricklesome stem of dat bestest pumpkin whut in de patch, an' he jes +yank' dat stem wid all he might. + +"_Let loosen my head!_" say' a big voice all on a suddent. + +Dat li'l' black boy whut he name is Mose he jump' 'most outen he skin. +He open' he eyes, an' he 'gin to shake like de aspen-tree, 'ca'se whut +dat a-standin' right dar behint him but a 'mendjous big ghost! Yas, sah, +dat de bigges', whites' ghost whut yever was. An' it ain't got no head. +Ain't got no head _at_ all! Li'l' black Mose he jes drap' on he knees +an' he beg' an' pray': + +"Oh, 'scuse me! 'Scuse me, Mistah Ghost!" he beg'. "Ah ain't mean no +harm _at_ all." + +"Whut for you try to take my head?" ask' de ghost in dat fearsome voice +whut like de damp wind outen de cellar. + +"'Scuse me! 'Scuse me!" beg' li'l' Mose. "Ah ain't know dat was yo' +head, an' I ain't know you was dar _at_ all. 'Scuse me!" + +"Ah 'scuse you ef you do me dis favor," say' de ghost. "Ah got somefin' +powerful _im_portant to say unto you, an' Ah can't say hit 'ca'se Ah +ain't got no head; an' whin Ah ain't got no head, Ah ain't got no mouf, +an' whin Ah ain't got no mouf, Ah can't talk _at_ all." + +An' dat right logical fo' shore. Can't nobody talk whin he ain't got no +mouf, an' can't nobody have no mouf whin he ain't got no head, an' whin +li'l' black Mose he look', he see' dat ghost ain't got no head _at_ all. +Nary head. + +So de ghost say': + +"Ah come on down yere fo' to git a pumpkin fo' a head, an' Ah pick' dat +_ixact_ pumpkin whut yo' gwine tek, an' Ah don't like dat one bit. No, +sah. Ah feel like Ah pick yo' up an' carry yo' away, an' nobody see you +no more for yever. But Ah got somefin' powerful _im_portant to say unto +yo', an' if yo' pick up dat pumpkin an' sot it on de place whar my head +ought to be, Ah let you off dis time, 'ca'se Ah ain't been able to talk +fo' so long Ah right hongry to say somefin'." + +So li'l' black Mose he heft up dat pumpkin, an' de ghost he bend' down, +an' li'l' black Mose he sot dat pumpkin on dat ghostses neck. An' right +off dat pumpkin head 'gin' to wink an' blink like a jack-o'-lantern, an' +right off dat pumpkin head 'gin' to glimmer an' glow frough de mouf like +a jack-o'-lantern, an' right off dat ghost start' to speak. Yas, sah, +dass so. + +"Whut yo' want to say unto me?" _in_quire' li'l' black Mose. + +"Ah want to tell yo'," say' de ghost, "dat yo' ain't need yever be +skeered of ghosts, 'ca'se dey ain't no ghosts." + +An' whin he say dat, de ghost jes vanish' away like de smoke in July. He +ain't even linger round dat locality like de smoke in Yoctober. He jes +dissipate' outen de air, an' he gone _in_tirely. + +So li'l' Mose he grab' up de nex' bestest pumpkin an' he scoot'. An' +whin he come' to de grabeyard in de hollow, he goin' erlong same as +yever, on'y faster, whin he reckon' he'll pick up a club _in_ case he +gwine have trouble. An' he rotch' down an' rotch' down an' tek' hold of +a likely appearin' hunk o' wood whut right dar. An' whin he grab' dat +hunk of wood---- + +"_Let loosen my leg!_" say' a big voice all on a suddent. + +Dat li'l' black boy 'most jump' outen he skin, 'ca'se right dar in de +paff is six 'mendjus big ghostes an' de bigges' ain't got but one leg. +So li'l' black Mose jes natchully handed dat hunk of wood to dat bigges' +ghost, an' he say': + +"'Scuse me, Mistah Ghost; Ah ain't know dis your leg." + +An' whut dem six ghostes do but stand round an' confabulate? Yas, sah, +dass so. An' whin dey do so, one say': + +"'Pears like dis a mighty likely li'l' black boy. Whut we gwine do fo' +to _re_ward him fo' politeness?" + +An' annuder say': + +"Tell him whut de truth is 'bout ghostes." + +So de bigges' ghost he say': + +"Ah gwine tell yo' somefin' _im_portant whut yever'body don't know: Dey +_ain't_ no ghosts." + +An' whin he say' dat, de ghostes jes natchully vanish away, an' li'l' +black Mose he proceed' up de paff. He so scared he hair jes yank' at de +roots, an' whin de wind go', "Oo-_oo_-o-o-o!" an' de owl go', +"Whut-_whoo_-o-o-o!" an' de rain-doves go, "You-_you_-o-o-o-!" he jes +tremble' an' shake'. An' byme-by he come' to de cemuntary whut betwixt +an' between, an' he shore is mighty skeered, 'ca'se dey is a whole +comp'ny of ghostes lined up along de road, an' he 'low' he ain't gwine +spind no more time palaverin' wid ghostes. So he step' offen de road fo' +to go round erbout, an' he step' on a pine-stump whut lay right dar. + +"_Git offen my chest!_" say' a big voice all on a suddent, 'ca'se dat +stump am been selected by de captain ob de ghostes for to be he chest, +'ca'se he ain't got no chest betwixt he shoulders an' he legs. An' li'l' +black Mose he hop' offen dat stump right peart. Yes, _sah_; right peart. + +"'Scuse me! 'Scuse me!" dat li'l' black Mose beg' an' plead', an' de +ghostes ain't know whuther to eat him all up or not, 'ca'se he step on +de boss ghostes's chest dat a-way. But byme-by they 'low they let him go +'ca'se dat was an accident, an' de captain ghost he say', "Mose, you +Mose, Ah gwine let you off dis time, 'ca'se you ain't nuffin' but a +misabul li'l' tremblin' nigger; but Ah want you should _re_mimimber one +thing mos' particular'." + +"Ya-yas, sah," say' dat li'l' black boy; "Ah'll remimber. Whut is dat Ah +got to remimber?" + +De captain ghost he swell' up, an' he swell' up, twell he as big as a +house, an' he say' in a voice whut shake' de ground: + +"Dey ain't no ghosts." + +So li'l' black Mose he bound to remimber dat, an' he rise' up an' mek' a +bow, an' he proceed' toward home right libely. He do, indeed. + +An' he gwine along jes as fast as he kin, whin he come' to de aidge ob +de buryin'-ground whut on de hill, an' right dar he bound to stop, +'ca'se de kentry round about am so populate' he ain't able to go frough. +Yas, sah, seem' like all de ghostes in de world habin' a conferince +right dar. Seem' like all de ghosteses whut yever was am havin' a +convintion on dat spot. An' dat li'l' black Mose so skeered he jes fall' +down on a' old log whut dar an' screech' an' moan'. An' all on a suddent +de log up and spoke: + +"_Get offen me! Get offen me!_" yell' dat log. + +So li'l' black Mose he git' offen dat log, an' no mistake. + +An' soon as he git' offen de log, de log uprise, an' li'l' black Mose he +see' dat dat log am de king ob all de ghostes. An' whin de king uprise, +all de congergation crowd round li'l' black Mose, an' dey am about leben +millium an' a few lift over. Yas, sah; dat de reg'lar annyul Hallowe'en +convintion whut li'l' black Mose interrup'. Right dar am all de sperits +in de world, an' all de ha'nts in de world, an' all de hobgoblins in de +world, an' all de ghouls in de world, an' all de spicters in de world, +an' all de ghostes in de world. An' whin dey see li'l' black Mose, dey +all gnash dey teef an' grin' 'ca'se it gettin' erlong toward dey-all's +lunch-time. So de king, whut he name old Skull-an'-Bones, he step' on +top ob li'l' Mose's head, an' he say': + +"Gin'l'min, de convintion will come to order. De sicretary please note +who is prisint. De firs' business whut come' before de convintion am: +whut we gwine do to a li'l' black boy whut stip' on de king an' maul' +all ober de king an' treat' de king dat disrespictful'." + +An li'l' black Mose jes moan' an' sob': + +"'Scuse me! 'Scuse me, Mistah King! Ah ain't mean no harm _at_ all." + +But nobody ain't pay no _at_tintion to him _at_ all, 'ca'se yevery one +lookin' at a monstrous big ha'nt whut name Bloody Bones, whut rose up +an' spoke. + +"Your Honor, Mistah King, an' gin'l'min _an_' ladies," he say', "dis am +a right bad case ob _lasy majesty_, 'ca'se de king been step on. Whin +yivery li'l' black boy whut choose' gwine wander round _at_ night an' +stip on de king ob ghostes, it ain't no time for to palaver, it ain't no +time for to prevaricate, it ain't no time for to cogitate, it ain't no +time do nuffin' but tell de truth, an' de whole truth, an' nuffin' but +de truth." + +An' all dem ghostes sicond de motion, an' dey confabulate out loud +erbout dat, an' de noise soun' like de rain-doves goin', +"Oo-_oo_-o-o-o!" an' de owls goin', "Whut-_whoo_-o-o-o!" an' de wind +goin', "You-_you_-o-o-o!" So dat risolution am passed unanermous, an' no +mistake. + +So de king ob de ghostes, whut name old Skull-an'-Bones, he place' he +hand on de head ob li'l' black Mose, an' he hand feel like a wet rag, +an' he say': + +"Dey ain't no ghosts." + +An' one ob de hairs whut on de head of li'l' black Mose turn' white. + +An' de monstrous big ha'nt whut he name Bloody Bones he lay he hand on +de head ob li'l' black Mose, an' he hand feel like a toadstool in de +cool ob de day, an' he say': + +"Dey ain't no ghosts." + +An' anudder ob de hairs whut on de head ob li'l' black Mose turn' white. + +An' a heejus sperit whut he name Moldy Pa'm place' he hand on de head ob +li'l' black Mose, an' he hand feel like de yunner side ob a lizard, an' +he say': + +"Dey ain't no ghosts." + +An' anudder ob de hairs whut on de head ob li'l' black Mose turn white +_as_ snow. + +An' a perticklar bend-up hobgoblin he put' he hand on de head ob li'l' +black Mose, an' he mek' dat same _re_mark, an' dat whole convintion ob +ghostes an' spicters an' ha'nts an' yiver'thing, which am more 'n a +millium, pass by so quick dey-all's hands feel lak de wind whut blow +outen de cellar whin de day am hot, an' dey-all say, "Dey ain't no +ghosts." Yas, sah, dey-all say dem wo'ds so fas' it soun' like de wind +whin it moan frough de turkentine-trees whut behind de cider-priss. An' +yivery hair whut on li'l' black Mose's head turn' white. Dat whut +happen' whin a li'l' black boy gwine meet a ghost convintion dat-a-way. +Dat's so he ain' gwine forgit to remimber dey ain't no ghostes. 'Ca'se +ef a li'l' black boy gwine imaginate dey _is_ ghostes, he gwine be +skeered in de dark. An' dat a foolish thing for to imaginate. + +So prisintly all de ghostes am whiff away, like de fog outen de holler +whin de wind blow' on it, an' li'l' black Mose he ain' see no ca'se for +to remain in dat locality no longer. He rotch' down, an' he raise' up de +pumpkin, an' he perambulate' right quick to he ma's shack, an' he lift' +up de latch, an' he open' de do', an' he yenter' in. An' he say': + +"Yere's de pumpkin." + +An' he ma an' he pa, an' Sally Ann, whut live up de road, an' Mistah +Sally Ann, whut her husban', an' Zack Badget, an' de school-teacher whut +board at Unc' Silas Diggs's house, an' all de powerful lot of folks whut +come to de doin's, dey all scrooged back in de cornder ob de shack, +'ca'se Zack Badget he been done tell a ghost-tale, an' de rain-doves +gwine, "Oo-_oo_-o-o-o!" an' de owls am gwine, "Whut-_whoo_-o-o-o!" and +de wind it gwine, "You-_you_-o-o-o!" an' yiver'body powerful skeered. +'Ca'se li'l' black Mose he come' a-fumblin' an' a-rattlin' at de do' jes +whin dat ghost-tale mos' skeery, an' yiver'body gwine imaginate dat he a +ghost a-fumblin' an' a-rattlin' at de do'. Yas, sah. So li'l' black Mose +he turn' he white head, an' he look' roun' an' peer' roun', an' he say': + +"Whut you all skeered fo'?" + +'Ca'se ef anybody skeered, he want' to be skeered too. Dat's natural. +But de school-teacher, whut live at Unc' Silas Diggs's house, she say': + +"Fo' de lan's sake, we fought you was a ghost!" + +So li'l' black Mose he sort ob sniff an' he sort ob sneer, an' he 'low': + +"Huh! dey ain't no ghosts." + +Den he ma she powerful took back dat li'l' black Mose he gwine be so +uppetish an' contrydict folks whut know 'rifmeticks an' algebricks an' +gin'ral countin' widout fingers, like de school-teacher whut board at +Unc' Silas Diggs's house knows, an' she say': + +"Huh! whut you know 'bout ghosts, anner ways?" + +An' li'l' black Mose he jes kinder stan' on one foot, an' he jes kinder +suck' he thumb, an' he jes kinder 'low': + +"I don't know nuffin' erbout ghosts, 'ca'se dey ain't no ghosts." + +So he pa gwine whop him fo' tellin' a fib 'bout dey ain' no ghosts whin +yiver'body know' dey is ghosts; but de school-teacher, whut board at +Unc' Silas Diggs's house, she tek' note de hair ob li'l' black Mose's +head am plumb white, an' she tek' note li'l' black Mose's face am de +color ob wood-ash, so she jes retch' one arm round dat li'l' black boy, +an' she jes snuggle' him up, an' she say': + +"Honey lamb, don't you be skeered; ain' nobody gwine hurt you. How you +know dey ain't no ghosts?" + +An' li'l' black Mose he kinder lean' up 'g'inst de school-teacher whut +board at Unc' Silas Diggs's house, an' he 'low': + +"'Ca'se--'ca'se--'ca'se I met de cap'n ghost, an' I met de gin'ral +ghost, an' I met de king ghost, an' I met all de ghostes whut yiver was +in de whole worl', an' yivery ghost say' de same thing: 'Dey ain't no +ghosts.' An' if de cap'n ghost an' de gin'ral ghost an' de king ghost +an' all de ghostes in de whole worl' don't know ef dar am ghostes, who +does?" + +"Das right; das right, honey lamb," say' de school-teacher. And she +say': "I been s'picious dey ain' no ghostes dis long whiles, an' now I +know. Ef all de ghostes say dey ain' no ghosts, dey _ain'_ no ghosts." + +So yiver'body 'low' dat so 'cep' Zack Badget, whut been tellin' de +ghost-tale, an' he ain' gwine say "Yis" an' he ain' gwine say "No," +'ca'se he right sweet on de school-teacher; but he know right well he +done seen plinty ghostes in he day. So he boun' to be sure fust. So he +say' to li'l' black Mose: + +"'T ain't likely you met up wid a monstrous big ha'nt whut live' down de +lane whut he name Bloody Bones?" + +"Yas," say' li'l' black Mose; "I done met up wid him." + +"An' did old Bloody Bones done tol' you dey ain' no ghosts?" say Zack +Badget. + +"Yas," say' li'l' black Mose, "he done tell me perzackly dat." + +"Well, if _he_ tol' you dey ain't no ghosts," say' Zack Badget, "I got +to 'low dey ain't no ghosts, 'ca'se he ain' gwine tell no lie erbout it. +I know dat Bloody Bones ghost sence I was a piccaninny, an' I done met +up wif him a powerful lot o' times, an' he ain't gwine tell no lie +erbout it. Ef dat perticklar ghost say' dey ain't no ghosts, dey _ain't_ +no ghosts." + +So yiver'body say': + +"Das right; dey ain' no ghosts." + +An' dat mek' li'l' black Mose feel mighty good, 'ca'se he ain' lak +ghostes. He reckon' he gwine be a heap mo' comfortable in he mind sence +he know' dey ain' no ghosts, an' he reckon' he ain' gwine be skeered of +nuffin' never no more. He ain' gwine min' de dark, an' he ain' gwine +min' de rain-doves whut go', "Oo-_oo_-o-o-o!" an' he ain' gwine min' de +owls whut go', "Who-_whoo_-o-o-o!" an' he ain' gwine min' de wind whut +go', "You-_you_-o-o-o!" nor nuffin', nohow. He gwine be brave as a lion, +sence he know' fo' sure dey ain' no ghosts. So prisintly he ma say': + +"Well, time fo' a li'l' black boy whut he name is Mose to be gwine up de +ladder to de loft to bed." + +An' li'l' black Mose he 'low' he gwine wait a bit. He 'low' he gwine jes +wait a li'l' bit. He 'low' he gwine be no trouble _at_ all ef he jes +been let wait twell he ma she gwine up de ladder to de loft to bed, too. +So he ma she say': + +"Git erlong wid yo'! Whut yo' skeered ob whin dey ain't no ghosts?" + +An' li'l' black Mose he scrooge', and he twist', an' he pucker' up de +mouf, an' he rub' he eyes, an' prisintly he say' right low: + +"I ain' skeered ob ghosts whut am, 'ca'se dey ain' no ghosts." + +"Den whut _am_ yo' skeered ob?" ask he ma. + +"Nuffin," say' de li'l' black boy whut he name is Mose; "but I jes feel +kinder oneasy 'bout de ghosts whut ain't." + +Jes lak white folks! Jes lak white folks! + + + + +THE TRANSFERRED GHOST + +BY FRANK R. STOCKTON + +From _The Lady or the Tiger? and Other Stories_. Copyright, 1884, by +Charles Scribner's Sons. By permission of the publishers. + + + + +The Transferred Ghost + +BY FRANK R. STOCKTON + + +The country residence of Mr. John Hinckman was a delightful place to me, +for many reasons. It was the abode of a genial, though somewhat +impulsive, hospitality. It had broad, smooth-shaven lawns and towering +oaks and elms; there were bosky shades at several points, and not far +from the house there was a little rill spanned by a rustic bridge with +the bark on; there were fruits and flowers, pleasant people, chess, +billiards, rides, walks, and fishing. These were great attractions; but +none of them, nor all of them together, would have been sufficient to +hold me to the place very long. I had been invited for the trout season, +but should, probably, have finished my visit early in the summer had it +not been that upon fair days, when the grass was dry, and the sun was +not too hot, and there was but little wind, there strolled beneath the +lofty elms, or passed lightly through the bosky shades, the form of my +Madeline. + +This lady was not, in very truth, my Madeline. She had never given +herself to me, nor had I, in any way, acquired possession of her. But as +I considered her possession the only sufficient reason for the +continuance of my existence, I called her, in my reveries, mine. It may +have been that I would not have been obliged to confine the use of this +possessive pronoun to my reveries had I confessed the state of my +feelings to the lady. + +But this was an unusually difficult thing to do. Not only did I dread, +as almost all lovers dread, taking the step which would in an instant +put an end to that delightful season which may be termed the +ante-interrogatory period of love, and which might at the same time +terminate all intercourse or connection with the object of my passion; +but I was, also, dreadfully afraid of John Hinckman. This gentleman was +a good friend of mine, but it would have required a bolder man than I +was at that time to ask him for the gift of his niece, who was the head +of his household, and, according to his own frequent statement, the main +prop of his declining years. Had Madeline acquiesced in my general views +on the subject, I might have felt encouraged to open the matter to Mr. +Hinckman; but, as I said before, I had never asked her whether or not +she would be mine. I thought of these things at all hours of the day and +night, particularly the latter. + +I was lying awake one night, in the great bed in my spacious chamber, +when, by the dim light of the new moon, which partially filled the room, +I saw John Hinckman standing by a large chair near the door. I was very +much surprised at this for two reasons. In the first place, my host had +never before come into my room; and, in the second place, he had gone +from home that morning, and had not expected to return for several days. +It was for this reason that I had been able that evening to sit much +later than usual with Madeline on the moonlit porch. The figure was +certainly that of John Hinckman in his ordinary dress, but there was a +vagueness and indistinctness about it which presently assured me that it +was a ghost. Had the good old man been murdered? and had his spirit come +to tell me of the deed, and to confide to me the protection of his +dear--? My heart fluttered at what I was about to think, but at this +instant the figure spoke. + +"Do you know," he said, with a countenance that indicated anxiety, "if +Mr. Hinckman will return to-night?" + +I thought it well to maintain a calm exterior, and I answered: + +"We do not expect him." + +"I am glad of that," said he, sinking into the chair by which he stood. +"During the two years and a half that I have inhabited this house, that +man has never before been away for a single night. You can't imagine the +relief it gives me." + +And as he spoke he stretched out his legs, and leaned back in the chair. +His form became less vague, and the colors of his garments more distinct +and evident, while an expression of gratified relief succeeded to the +anxiety of his countenance. + +"Two years and a half!" I exclaimed. "I don't understand you." + +"It is fully that length of time," said the ghost, "since I first came +here. Mine is not an ordinary case. But before I say anything more about +it, let me ask you again if you are sure Mr. Hinckman will not return +to-night." + +"I am as sure of it as I can be of anything," I answered. "He left +to-day for Bristol, two hundred miles away." + +"Then I will go on," said the ghost, "for I am glad to have the +opportunity of talking to someone who will listen to me; but if John +Hinckman should come in and catch me here, I should be frightened out of +my wits." + +"This is all very strange," I said, greatly puzzled by what I had heard. +"Are you the ghost of Mr. Hinckman?" + +This was a bold question, but my mind was so full of other emotions that +there seemed to be no room for that of fear. + +"Yes, I am his ghost," my companion replied, "and yet I have no right to +be. And this is what makes me so uneasy, and so much afraid of him. It +is a strange story, and, I truly believe, without precedent. Two years +and a half ago, John Hinckman was dangerously ill in this very room. At +one time he was so far gone that he was really believed to be dead. It +was in consequence of too precipitate a report in regard to this matter +that I was, at that time, appointed to be his ghost. Imagine my +surprise and horror, sir, when, after I had accepted the position and +assumed its responsibilities, that old man revived, became convalescent, +and eventually regained his usual health. My situation was now one of +extreme delicacy and embarrassment. I had no power to return to my +original unembodiment, and I had no right to be the ghost of a man who +was not dead. I was advised by my friends to quietly maintain my +position, and was assured that, as John Hinckman was an elderly man, it +could not be long before I could rightfully assume the position for +which I had been selected. But I tell you, sir," he continued, with +animation, "the old fellow seems as vigorous as ever, and I have no idea +how much longer this annoying state of things will continue. I spend my +time trying to get out of that old man's way. I must not leave this +house, and he seems to follow me everywhere. I tell you, sir, he haunts +me." + +"That is truly a queer state of things," I remarked. "But why are you +afraid of him? He couldn't hurt you." + +"Of course he couldn't," said the ghost. "But his very presence is a +shock and terror to me. Imagine, sir, how you would feel if my case were +yours." + +I could not imagine such a thing at all. I simply shuddered. + +"And if one must be a wrongful ghost at all," the apparition continued, +"it would be much pleasanter to be the ghost of some man other than +John Hinckman. There is in him an irascibility of temper, accompanied +by a facility of invective, which is seldom met with. And what would +happen if he were to see me, and find out, as I am sure he would, how +long and why I had inhabited his house, I can scarcely conceive. I have +seen him in his bursts of passion; and, although he did not hurt the +people he stormed at any more than he would hurt me, they seemed to +shrink before him." + +All this I knew to be very true. Had it not been for this peculiarity of +Mr. Hinckman, I might have been more willing to talk to him about his +niece. + +"I feel sorry for you," I said, for I really began to have a sympathetic +feeling toward this unfortunate apparition. "Your case is indeed a hard +one. It reminds me of those persons who have had doubles, and I suppose +a man would often be very angry indeed when he found that there was +another being who was personating himself." + +"Oh! the cases are not similar at all," said the ghost. "A double or +_doppelgaenger_ lives on the earth with a man; and, being exactly like +him, he makes all sorts of trouble, of course. It is very different with +me. I am not here to live with Mr. Hinckman. I am here to take his +place. Now, it would make John Hinckman very angry if he knew that. +Don't you know it would?" + +I assented promptly. + +"Now that he is away I can be easy for a little while," continued the +ghost; "and I am so glad to have an opportunity of talking to you. I +have frequently come into your room, and watched you while you slept, +but did not dare to speak to you for fear that if you talked with me Mr. +Hinckman would hear you, and come into the room to know why you were +talking to yourself." + +"But would he not hear you?" I asked. + +"Oh, no!" said the other: "there are times when anyone may see me, but +no one hears me except the person to whom I address myself." + +"But why did you wish to speak to me?" I asked. + +"Because," replied the ghost, "I like occasionally to talk to people, +and especially to someone like yourself, whose mind is so troubled and +perturbed that you are not likely to be frightened by a visit from one +of us. But I particularly wanted to ask you to do me a favor. There is +every probability, so far as I can see, that John Hinckman will live a +long time, and my situation is becoming insupportable. My great object +at present is to get myself transferred, and I think that you may, +perhaps, be of use to me." + +"Transferred!" I exclaimed. "What do you mean by that?" + +"What I mean," said the other, "is this: Now that I have started on my +career I have got to be the ghost of somebody, and I want to be the +ghost of a man who is really dead." + +"I should think that would be easy enough," I said. "Opportunities must +continually occur." + +"Not at all! not at all!" said my companion quickly. "You have no idea +what a rush and pressure there is for situations of this kind. Whenever +a vacancy occurs, if I may express myself in that way, there are crowds +of applications for the ghost-ship." + +"I had no idea that such a state of things existed," I said, becoming +quite interested in the matter. "There ought to be some regular system, +or order of precedence, by which you could all take your turns like +customers in a barber's shop." + +"Oh dear, that would never do at all!" said the other. "Some of us would +have to wait forever. There is always a great rush whenever a good +ghost-ship offers itself--while, as you know, there are some positions +that no one would care for. And it was in consequence of my being in too +great a hurry on an occasion of the kind that I got myself into my +present disagreeable predicament, and I have thought that it might be +possible that you would help me out of it. You might know of a case +where an opportunity for a ghost-ship was not generally expected, but +which might present itself at any moment. If you would give me a short +notice, I know I could arrange for a transfer." + +"What do you mean?" I exclaimed. "Do you want me to commit suicide? Or +to undertake a murder for your benefit?" + +"Oh, no, no, no!" said the other, with a vapory smile. "I mean nothing +of that kind. To be sure, there are lovers who are watched with +considerable interest, such persons having been known, in moments of +depression, to offer very desirable ghost-ships; but I did not think of +anything of that kind in connection with you. You were the only person I +cared to speak to, and I hoped that you might give me some information +that would be of use; and, in return, I shall be very glad to help you +in your love affair." + +"You seem to know that I have such an affair," I said. + +"Oh, yes!" replied the other, with a little yawn. "I could not be here +so much as I have been without knowing all about that." + +There was something horrible in the idea of Madeline and myself having +been watched by a ghost, even, perhaps, when we wandered together in the +most delightful and bosky places. But, then, this was quite an +exceptional ghost, and I could not have the objections to him which +would ordinarily arise in regard to beings of his class. + +"I must go now," said the ghost, rising: "but I will see you somewhere +to-morrow night. And remember--you help me, and I'll help you." + +I had doubts the next morning as to the propriety of telling Madeline +anything about this interview, and soon convinced myself that I must +keep silent on the subject. If she knew there was a ghost about the +house, she would probably leave the place instantly. I did not mention +the matter, and so regulated my demeanor that I am quite sure Madeline +never suspected what had taken place. For some time I had wished that +Mr. Hinckman would absent himself, for a day at least, from the +premises. In such case I thought I might more easily nerve myself up to +the point of speaking to Madeline on the subject of our future +collateral existence; and, now that the opportunity for such speech had +really occurred, I did not feel ready to avail myself of it. What would +become of me if she refused me? + +I had an idea, however, that the lady thought that, if I were going to +speak at all, this was the time. She must have known that certain +sentiments were afloat within me, and she was not unreasonable in her +wish to see the matter settled one way or the other. But I did not feel +like taking a bold step in the dark. If she wished me to ask her to give +herself to me, she ought to offer me some reason to suppose that she +would make the gift. If I saw no probability of such generosity, I would +prefer that things should remain as they were. + + * * * * * + +That evening I was sitting with Madeline in the moonlit porch. It was +nearly ten o'clock, and ever since supper-time I had been working myself +up to the point of making an avowal of my sentiments. I had not +positively determined to do this, but wished gradually to reach the +proper point, when, if the prospect looked bright, I might speak. My +companion appeared to understand the situation--at least, I imagined +that the nearer I came to a proposal the more she seemed to expect it. +It was certainly a very critical and important epoch in my life. If I +spoke, I should make myself happy or miserable forever, and if I did not +speak I had every reason to believe that the lady would not give me +another chance to do so. + +Sitting thus with Madeline, talking a little, and thinking very hard +over these momentous matters, I looked up and saw the ghost, not a dozen +feet away from us. He was sitting on the railing of the porch, one leg +thrown up before him, the other dangling down as he leaned against a +post. He was behind Madeline, but almost in front of me, as I sat facing +the lady. It was fortunate that Madeline was looking out over the +landscape, for I must have appeared very much startled. The ghost had +told me that he would see me some time this night, but I did not think +he would make his appearance when I was in the company of Madeline. If +she should see the spirit of her uncle, I could not answer for the +consequences. I made no exclamation, but the ghost evidently saw that I +was troubled. + +"Don't be afraid," he said--"I shall not let her see me; and she cannot +hear me speak unless I address myself to her, which I do not intend to +do." + +I suppose I looked grateful. + +"So you need not trouble yourself about that," the ghost continued; "but +it seems to me that you are not getting along very well with your +affair. If I were you, I should speak out without waiting any longer. +You will never have a better chance. You are not likely to be +interrupted; and, so far as I can judge, the lady seems disposed to +listen to you favorably; that is, if she ever intends to do so. There is +no knowing when John Hinckman will go away again; certainly not this +summer. If I were in your place, I should never dare to make love to +Hinckman's niece if he were anywhere about the place. If he should catch +anyone offering himself to Miss Madeline, he would then be a terrible +man to encounter." + +I agreed perfectly to all this. + +"I cannot bear to think of him!" I ejaculated aloud. + +"Think of whom?" asked Madeline, turning quickly toward me. + +Here was an awkward situation. The long speech of the ghost, to which +Madeline paid no attention, but which I heard with perfect distinctness, +had made me forget myself. + +It was necessary to explain quickly. Of course, it would not do to admit +that it was of her dear uncle that I was speaking; and so I mentioned +hastily the first name I thought of. + +"Mr. Vilars," I said. + +This statement was entirely correct; for I never could bear to think of +Mr. Vilars, who was a gentleman who had, at various times, paid much +attention to Madeline. + +"It is wrong for you to speak in that way of Mr. Vilars," she said. "He +is a remarkably well educated and sensible young man, and has very +pleasant manners. He expects to be elected to the legislature this +fall, and I should not be surprised if he made his mark. He will do well +in a legislative body, for whenever Mr. Vilars has anything to say he +knows just how and when to say it." + +This was spoken very quietly, and without any show of resentment, which +was all very natural, for if Madeline thought at all favorably of me she +could not feel displeased that I should have disagreeable emotions in +regard to a possible rival. The concluding words contained a hint which +I was not slow to understand. I felt very sure that if Mr. Vilars were +in my present position he would speak quickly enough. + +"I know it is wrong to have such ideas about a person," I said, "but I +cannot help it." + +The lady did not chide me, and after this she seemed even in a softer +mood. As for me, I felt considerably annoyed, for I had not wished to +admit that any thought of Mr. Vilars had ever occupied my mind. + +"You should not speak aloud that way," said the ghost, "or you may get +yourself into trouble. I want to see everything go well with you, +because then you may be disposed to help me, especially if I should +chance to be of any assistance to you, which I hope I shall be." + +I longed to tell him that there was no way in which he could help me so +much as by taking his instant departure. To make love to a young lady +with a ghost sitting on the railing nearby, and that ghost the +apparition of a much-dreaded uncle, the very idea of whom in such a +position and at such a time made me tremble, was a difficult, if not an +impossible, thing to do; but I forbore to speak, although I may have +looked my mind. + +"I suppose," continued the ghost, "that you have not heard anything that +might be of advantage to me. Of course, I am very anxious to hear; but +if you have anything to tell me, I can wait until you are alone. I will +come to you to-night in your room, or I will stay here until the lady +goes away." + +"You need not wait here," I said; "I have nothing at all to say to you." + +Madeline sprang to her feet, her face flushed and her eyes ablaze. + +"Wait here!" she cried. "What do you suppose I am waiting for? Nothing +to say to me indeed!--I should think so! What should you have to say to +me?" + +"Madeline!" I exclaimed, stepping toward her, "let me explain." + +But she had gone. + +Here was the end of the world for me! I turned fiercely to the ghost. + +"Wretched existence!" I cried. "You have ruined everything. You have +blackened my whole life. Had it not been for you----" + +But here my voice faltered. I could say no more. + +"You wrong me," said the ghost. "I have not injured you. I have tried +only to encourage and assist you, and it is your own folly that has +done this mischief. But do not despair. Such mistakes as these can be +explained. Keep up a brave heart. Good-by." + +And he vanished from the railing like a bursting soap-bubble. + +I went gloomily to bed, but I saw no apparitions that night except those +of despair and misery which my wretched thoughts called up. The words I +had uttered had sounded to Madeline like the basest insult. Of course, +there was only one interpretation she could put upon them. + +As to explaining my ejaculations, that was impossible. I thought the +matter over and over again as I lay awake that night, and I determined +that I would never tell Madeline the facts of the case. It would be +better for me to suffer all my life than for her to know that the ghost +of her uncle haunted the house. Mr. Hinckman was away, and if she knew +of his ghost she could not be made to believe that he was not dead. She +might not survive the shock! No, my heart could bleed, but I would never +tell her. + +The next day was fine, neither too cool nor too warm; the breezes were +gentle, and nature smiled. But there were no walks or rides with +Madeline. She seemed to be much engaged during the day, and I saw but +little of her. When we met at meals she was polite, but very quiet and +reserved. She had evidently determined on a course of conduct and had +resolved to assume that, although I had been very rude to her, she did +not understand the import of my words. It would be quite proper, of +course, for her not to know what I meant by my expressions of the night +before. + +I was downcast and wretched, and said but little, and the only bright +streak across the black horizon of my woe was the fact that she did not +appear to be happy, although she affected an air of unconcern. The +moonlit porch was deserted that evening, but wandering about the house I +found Madeline in the library alone. She was reading, but I went in and +sat down near her. I felt that, although I could not do so fully, I must +in a measure explain my conduct of the night before. She listened +quietly to a somewhat labored apology I made for the words I had used. + +"I have not the slightest idea what you meant," she said, "but you were +very rude." + +I earnestly disclaimed any intention of rudeness, and assured her, with +a warmth of speech that must have made some impression upon her, that +rudeness to her would be an action impossible to me. I said a great deal +upon the subject, and implored her to believe that if it were not for a +certain obstacle I could speak to her so plainly that she would +understand everything. + +She was silent for a time, and then she said, rather more kindly, I +thought, than she had spoken before: + +"Is that obstacle in any way connected with my uncle?" + +"Yes," I answered, after a little hesitation, "it is, in a measure, +connected with him." + +She made no answer to this, and sat looking at her book, but not +reading. From the expression of her face, I thought she was somewhat +softened toward me. She knew her uncle as well as I did, and she may +have been thinking that, if he were the obstacle that prevented my +speaking (and there were many ways in which he might be that obstacle), +my position would be such a hard one that it would excuse some wildness +of speech and eccentricity of manner. I saw, too, that the warmth of my +partial explanations had had some effect on her, and I began to believe +that it might be a good thing for me to speak my mind without delay. No +matter how she should receive my proposition, my relations with her +could not be worse than they had been the previous night and day, and +there was something in her face which encouraged me to hope that she +might forget my foolish exclamations of the evening before if I began to +tell her my tale of love. + +I drew my chair a little nearer to her, and as I did so the ghost burst +into the room from the doorway behind her. I say burst, although no door +flew open and he made no noise. He was wildly excited, and waved his +arms above his head. The moment I saw him, my heart fell within me. With +the entrance of that impertinent apparition, every hope fled from me. I +could not speak while he was in the room. + +I must have turned pale; and I gazed steadfastly at the ghost, almost +without seeing Madeline, who sat between us. + +"Do you know," he cried, "that John Hinckman is coming up the hill? He +will be here in fifteen minutes; and if you are doing anything in the +way of love-making, you had better hurry it up. But this is not what I +came to tell you. I have glorious news! At last I am transferred! Not +forty minutes ago a Russian nobleman was murdered by the Nihilists. +Nobody ever thought of him in connection with an immediate ghost-ship. +My friends instantly applied for the situation for me, and obtained my +transfer. I am off before that horrid Hinckman comes up the hill. The +moment I reach my new position, I shall put off this hated semblance. +Good-by. You can't imagine how glad I am to be, at last, the real ghost +of somebody." + +"Oh!" I cried, rising to my feet, and stretching out my arms in utter +wretchedness, "I would to Heaven you were mine!" + +"I _am_ yours," said Madeline, raising to me her tearful eyes. + + + + +THE MUMMY'S FOOT + +BY THEOPHILE GAUTIER + +Translated for this volume by Sara Goldman. + + + + +The Mummy's Foot + +By THEOPHILE GAUTIER + + +I had sauntered idly into the shop of one of those dealers in old +curiosities--"bric-a-brac" as they say in that Parisian _argot_, so +absolutely unintelligible elsewhere in France. + +You have no doubt often glanced through the windows of some of these +shops, which have become numerous since it is so fashionable to buy +antique furniture, that the humblest stockbroker feels obliged to have a +room furnished in medieval style. + +Something is there which belongs alike to the shop of the dealer in old +iron, the warehouse of the merchant, the laboratory of the chemist, and +the studio of the painter: in all these mysterious recesses, where but a +discreet half-light filters through the shutters, the most obviously +antique thing is the dust: the cobwebs are more genuine than the laces, +and the old pear-tree furniture is more modern than the mahogany which +arrived but yesterday from America. + +The warehouse of my dealer in bric-a-brac was a veritable Capharnauem; +all ages and all countries seemed to have arranged a rendezvous there; +an Etruscan terra cotta lamp stood upon a Boule cabinet, with ebony +panels decorated with simple filaments of inlaid copper: a duchess of +the reign of Louis XV stretched nonchalantly her graceful feet under a +massive Louis XIII table with heavy, spiral oaken legs, and carvings of +intermingled flowers and grotesque figures. + +In a corner glittered the ornamented breastplate of a suit of +damaskeened armor of Milan. The shelves and floor were littered with +porcelain cupids and nymphs, Chinese monkeys, vases of pale green +enamel, cups of Dresden and old Sevres. + +Upon the denticulated shelves of sideboards, gleamed huge Japanese +plaques, with red and blue designs outlined in gold, side by side with +the enamels of Bernard Palissy, with serpents, frogs, and lizards in +relief. + +From ransacked cabinets tumbled cascades of silvery-gleaming China silk, +the shimmering brocade pricked into luminous beads by a slanting +sunbeam; while portraits of every epoch smiled through their yellowed +varnish from frames more or less tarnished. + +The dealer followed me watchfully through the tortuous passages winding +between the piles of furniture, warding off with his hands the perilous +swing of my coat tail, observing my elbows with the disquieting concern +of an antiquarian and a usurer. + +He was an odd figure--this dealer; an enormous skull, smooth as a knee, +was surrounded by a scant aureole of white hair, which, by contrast, +emphasized the salmon-colored tint of his complexion, and gave a wrong +impression of patriarchal benevolence, corrected, however, by the +glittering of two small, yellow eyes which shifted in their orbits like +two _louis d'or_ floating on quicksilver. The curve of his nose gave him +an aquiline silhouette, which suggested the Oriental or Jewish type. His +hands, long, slender, with prominent veins and sinews protruding like +the strings on a violin, with nails like the claws on the membraneous +wings of the bat moved with a senile trembling painful to behold, but +those nervously quivering hands became firmer than pincers of steel, or +the claws of a lobster, when they picked up any precious object, an onyx +cup, a Venetian glass, or a platter of Bohemian crystal. This curious +old fellow had an air so thoroughly rabbinical and cabalistic, that, +from mere appearance, he would have been burned at the stake three +centuries ago. + +"Will you not buy something from me to-day, sir? Here is a kris from +Malay, with a blade which undulates like a flame; look at these grooves +for the blood to drip from, these teeth reversed so as to tear out the +entrails in withdrawing the weapon; it is a fine specimen of a ferocious +weapon, and will be an interesting addition to your trophies; this +two-handed sword is very beautiful--it is the work of Joseph de la Herz; +and this _cauchelimarde_ with its carved guard--what superb +workmanship!" + +"No, I have enough weapons and instruments of carnage; I should like to +have a small figure, any sort of object which can be used for a paper +weight; for I cannot endure those commonplace bronzes for sale at the +stationers which one sees invariably on everybody's desk." + +The old gnome, rummaging among his ancient wares, displayed before me +some antique bronzes--pseudo-antique, at least, fragments of malachite, +little Hindu and Chinese idols, jade monkeys, incarnations of Brahma and +Vishnu, marvelously suitable for the purpose--scarcely divine--of +holding papers and letters in place. + +I was hesitating between a porcelain dragon covered with constellations +of warts, its jaws embellished with teeth and tusks, and a hideous +little Mexican fetish, representing realistically the god +Vitziliputzili, when I noticed a charming foot, which at first I +supposed was a fragment of some antique Venus. + +It had that beautiful tawny reddish tint, which gives the Florentine +bronzes their warm, life-like appearance, so preferable to the verdigris +tones of ordinary bronzes, which might be taken readily for statues in a +state of putrefaction; a satiny luster gleamed over its curves, polished +by the amorous kisses of twenty centuries; for it must have been a +Corinthian bronze, a work of the finest period, molded perhaps by +Lysippus himself. + +"That foot will do," I said to the dealer, who looked at me with an +ironical, crafty expression, as he handed me the object I asked for, so +that I might examine it more carefully. + +I was surprised at its lightness. It was not a metal foot but in reality +a foot of flesh, an embalmed foot, a mummy's foot; on examining it more +closely, one could distinguish the grain of the skin, and the almost +imperceptible imprint of the weave of the wrappings. The toes were +slender, delicate, with perfect nails, pure and transparent as agate; +the great toe, slightly separated from the others, in the antique manner +was in pleasing contrast to the position of the other toes, and gave a +suggestion of the freedom and lightness of a bird's foot. The sole, +faintly streaked with almost invisible lines, showed that it had never +touched the ground, or come in contact with anything but the finest mats +woven from the rushes of the Nile, and the softest rugs of panther skin. + +"Ha, ha! You want the foot of the Princess Hermonthis," said the dealer +with a strange, mocking laugh, staring at me with his owlish eyes. "Ha, +ha, ha, for a paper weight! An original idea! an artist's idea! If +anyone had told old Pharaoh that the foot of his adored daughter would +be used for a paper weight, particularly whilst he was having a mountain +of granite hollowed out in which to place her triple coffin, painted and +gilded, covered with hieroglyphics, and beautiful pictures of the +judgment of souls, it would truly have surprised him," continued the +queer little dealer, in low tones, as though talking to himself. + +"How much will you charge me for this fragment of a mummy?" + +"Ah, as much as I can get; for it is a superb piece; if I had the mate +to it, you could not have it for less than five hundred francs--the +daughter of a Pharaoh! there could be nothing more choice." + +"Assuredly it is not common; but, still, how much do you want for it? +First, however, I want to acquaint you with one fact, which is, that my +fortune consists of only five louis. I will buy anything that costs five +louis, but nothing more expensive. You may search my vest pockets, and +my most secret bureau drawers, but you will not find one miserable five +franc piece besides." + +"Five louis for the foot of the Princess Hermonthis! It is very little, +too little, in fact, for an authentic foot," said the dealer, shaking +his head and rolling his eyes with a peculiar rotary motion. "Very well, +take it, and I will throw in the outer covering," he said, rolling it in +a shred of old damask--"very beautiful, genuine damask, which has never +been redyed; it is strong, yet it is soft," he muttered, caressing the +frayed tissue, in accordance with his dealer's habit of praising an +article of so little value, that he himself thought it good for nothing +but to give away. + +He dropped the gold pieces into a kind of medieval pouch which was +fastened at his belt, while he repeated: + +"The foot of the Princess Hermonthis to be used for a paper weight!" + +Then, fastening upon me his phosphorescent pupils he said, in a voice +strident as the wails of a cat which has just swallowed a fish bone: + +"Old Pharaoh will not be pleased; he loved his daughter--that dear man." + +"You speak of him as though you were his contemporary; no matter how old +you may be, you do not date back to the pyramids of Egypt," I answered +laughingly from the threshold of the shop. + +I returned home, delighted with my purchase. + +To make use of it at once, I placed the foot of the exalted Princess +Hermonthis on a stack of papers--sketches of verses, undecipherable +mosaics of crossed out words, unfinished articles, forgotten letters, +posted in the desk drawer, a mistake often made by absent-minded people; +the effect was pleasing, bizarre, and romantic. + +Highly delighted with this decoration, I went down into the street, and +took a walk with all the importance and pride proper to a man who has +the inexpressible advantage over the passersby he elbows, of possessing +a fragment of the Princess Hermonthis, daughter of Pharaoh. + +I thought people who did not possess, like myself, a paper weight so +genuinely Egyptian, were objects of ridicule, and it seemed to me the +proper business of the sensible man to have a mummy's foot upon his +desk. + +Happily, an encounter with several friends distracted me from my +raptures over my recent acquisition, I went to dinner with them, for it +would have been hard for me to dine alone. + +When I returned at night, with my brain somewhat muddled by the effects +of a few glasses of wine, a vague whiff of oriental perfume tickled +delicately my olfactory nerves. The heat of the room had warmed the +natron, the bitumen, and the myrrh in which the _paraschites_ who +embalmed the dead had bathed the body of the Princess; it was a +delicate, yet penetrating perfume, which four thousand years had not +been able to dissipate. + +The Dream of Egypt was for the Eternal; its odors have the solidity of +granite, and last as long. + +In a short time I drank full draughts from the black cup of sleep; for +an hour or two all remained in obscurity; Oblivion and Nothingness +submerged me in their somber waves. + +Nevertheless the haziness of my perceptions gradually cleared away, +dreams began to brush me lightly in their silent flight. + +The eyes of my soul opened, and I saw my room as it was in reality. I +might have believed myself awake, if I had not had a vague consciousness +that I was asleep, and that something very unusual was about to take +place. + +The odor of myrrh had increased in intensity, and I had a slight +headache, which I very naturally attributed to several glasses of +champagne that we had drunk to unknown gods, and to our future success. + +I scrutinized my room with a feeling of expectation, which there was +nothing to justify. Each piece of furniture was in its usual place; the +lamp, softly shaded by the milky whiteness of its ground crystal globe, +burned upon the console, the water colors glowed from under the Bohemian +glass; the curtains hung in heavy drooping folds; everything suggested +tranquility and slumber. + +Nevertheless, after a few moments the quiet of the room was disturbed, +the woodwork creaked furtively, the ash-covered log suddenly spurted out +a blue flame, and the surfaces of the plaques seemed like metallic eyes, +watching, like myself, for what was about to happen. + +By chance my eyes fell on the table on which I had placed the foot of +the Princess Hermonthis. + +Instead of remaining in the state of immobility proper to a foot which +has been embalmed for four thousand years, it moved about in an agitated +manner, twitching, leaping about over the papers like a frightened frog; +one might have thought it in contact with a galvanic battery; I could +hear distinctly the quick tap of the little heel, hard as the hoof of a +gazelle. + +I became rather dissatisfied with my purchase, for I like paper weights +of sedentary habits--besides I found it very unnatural for feet to move +about without legs, and I began to feel something closely resembling +fear. + +Suddenly I noticed a movement of one of the folds of my curtains, and I +heard a stamping like that made by a person hopping about on one foot. +I must admit that I grew hot and cold by turns, that I felt a mysterious +breeze blowing down my back, and that my hair stood on end so suddenly +that it forced my night-cap to a leap of several degrees. + +The curtains partly opened, and I saw the strangest figure possible +advancing. + +It was a young girl, as coffee-coloured as Amani the dancer, and of a +perfect beauty of the purest Egyptian type. She had slanting +almond-shaped eyes, with eyebrows so black that they appeared blue; her +nose was finely chiseled, almost Grecian in its delicacy; she might have +been taken for a Corinthian statue of bronze, had not her prominent +cheekbones and rather African fullness of lips indicated without a doubt +the hieroglyphic race which dwelt on the banks of the Nile. + +Her arms, thin, spindle shaped, like those of very young girls, were +encircled with a kind of metal ornament, and bracelets of glass beads; +her hair was twisted into little cords; on her breast hung a green paste +idol, identified by her whip of seven lashes as Isis, guide of souls--a +golden ornament shone on her forehead, and slight traces of rouge were +visible on the coppery tints of her cheeks. + +As for her costume, it was very odd. + +Imagine a _pagne_ made of narrow strips bedizened with red and black +hieroglyphics, weighted with bitumen, and apparently belonging to a +mummy newly unswathed. + +In one of those flights of fancy usual in dreams, I could hear the +hoarse, rough voice of the dealer of bric-a-brac reciting in a +monotonous refrain, the phrase he had kept repeating in his shop in so +enigmatic a manner. + +"Old Pharaoh will not be pleased--he loved his daughter very much--that +dear man." + +One peculiar detail, which was hardly reassuring, was that the +apparition had but one foot, the other was broken off at the ankle. + +She approached the table, where the mummy's foot was fidgeting and +tossing about with redoubled energy. She leaned against the edge, and I +saw her eyes fill with pearly tears. + +Although she did not speak, I fully understood her feelings. She looked +at the foot, for it was in truth her own, with an expression of +coquettish sadness, which was extremely charming; but the foot kept +jumping and running about as though it were moved by springs of steel. + +Two or three times she stretched out her hand to grasp it, but did not +succeed. + +Then began between the Princess Hermonthis and her foot, which seemed to +be endowed with an individuality of its own, a very bizarre dialogue, in +an ancient Coptic tongue, such as might have been spoken thirty +centuries before, among the sphinxes of the Land of Ser; fortunately, +that night I understood Coptic perfectly. + +The Princess Hermonthis said in a tone of voice sweet and tremulous as +the tones of a crystal bell: + +"Well, my dear little foot, you always flee from me, yet I took the best +of care of you; I bathed you with perfumed water, in a basin of +alabaster; I rubbed your heel with pumice stone, mixed with oil of palm; +your nails were cut with golden scissors, and polished with a +hippopotamus' tooth; I was careful to select for you painted and +embroidered _tatbebs_, with turned up toes, which were the envy of all +the young girls of Egypt; on your great toe, you wore rings representing +the sacred Scarab, and you supported one of the lightest bodies that +could be desired by a lazy foot." + +The foot answered in a pouting, regretful voice: + +"You know well that I no longer belong to myself. I have been bought and +paid for; the old dealer knew what he was about. He bears you a grudge +for having refused to marry him. This is a trick he has played on you. +The Arab who forced open your royal tomb, in the subterranean pits of +the Necropolis of Thebes, was sent there by him. He wanted to prevent +you from attending the reunion of the shades, in the cities of the lower +world. Have you five pieces of gold with which to ransom me?" + +"Alas, no! My jewels, my rings, my purses of gold and of silver have all +been stolen from me," answered the Princess Hermonthis with a sigh. + +"Princess," I then cried out, "I have never kept possession of anyone's +foot unjustly; even though you have not the five louis which it cost me, +I will return it to you gladly; I should be wretched, were I the cause +of the lameness of so charming a person as the Princess Hermonthis." + +I delivered this discourse in a courtly, troubadour-like manner, which +must have astonished the beautiful Egyptian. + +She looked at me with an expression of deepest gratitude, and her eyes +brightened with bluish lights. + +She took her foot, which this time submitted, and, like a woman about to +put on her brodekin, she adjusted it to her leg with great dexterity. + +This operation finished, she took a few steps about the room, as though +to assure herself that she was in reality no longer lame. + +"Ah, how happy my father will be, he who was so wretched because of my +mutilation--he who, from the day of my birth, set a whole nation to work +to hollow out a tomb so deep that he might preserve me intact until that +supreme last day, when souls must be weighed in the scales of Amenti! +Come with me to my father; he will be happy to receive you, for you have +given me back my foot." + +I found this proposition quite natural. I decked myself out in a +dressing-gown of huge sprawling design, which gave me an extremely +Pharaohesque appearance; I hurriedly put on a pair of Turkish slippers, +and told the Princess Hermonthis that I was ready to follow her. + +Before setting out, Hermonthis detached from her necklace the little +green paste image and placed it on the scattered papers which strewed +the table. + +"It is no more than right," she said smilingly, "that I should replace +your paper weight." + +She gave me her hand, which was soft and cool as the skin of a serpent, +and we departed. + +For a time we sped with the rapidity of an arrow, through a misty +expanse of space, in which almost indistinguishable silhouettes flashed +by us, on the right and left. + +For an instant we saw nothing but sea and sky. + +A few minutes later, towering obelisks, pillars, the sloping outlines of +the sphinx, were designed against the horizon. + +We had arrived. + +The princess conducted me to the side of a mountain of red granite in +which there was an aperture so low and narrow that, had it not been +marked by two monoliths covered with bizarre carvings, it would have +been difficult to distinguish from the fissures in the rock. + +Hermonthis lighted a torch and led the way. + +The corridors were hewn through the living rock. The walls, with panels +covered with hieroglyphics, and representations of allegorical +processions, must have been the work of thousands of hands for thousands +of years; the corridors, of an interminable length, ended in square +rooms, in the middle of which pits had been constructed, to which we +descended by means of _crampons_ or spiral staircases. These pits led us +into other rooms, from which opened out other corridors embellished in +the same bizarre manner with sparrow-hawks, serpents coiled in circles, +the symbolic tau, pedum, and baris, prodigious works which no living eye +should ever see, interminable legends in granite which only the dead +throughout eternity have time to read. + +At last we reached a hall so vast, so boundless, so immeasurable, that +its limits could not be discerned. As far as the eye could see, extended +files of gigantic columns, between which sparkled livid stars of yellow +light. These glittering points of light revealed incalculable depths +beyond. + +The Princess Hermonthis, still holding my hand, greeted graciously the +mummies of her acquaintance. + +My eyes gradually became accustomed to the shadowy twilight, and I began +to distinguish the objects around me. + +I saw, seated upon their thrones, the kings of the subterranean races. +They were dignified old personages, or dried up, shriveled, +wrinkled-like parchment, and blackened with naphtha and bitumen. On +their heads they wore pschents of gold, and their breastplates and +gorgets scintillated with precious stones; their eyes had the fixedness +of the sphinx, and their long beards were whitened by the snows of +centuries. Behind them stood their embalmed subjects, in the rigid and +constrained postures of Egyptian art, preserving eternally the attitudes +prescribed by the hieratic code. Behind the subjects, the cats, ibixes, +and crocodiles contemporary with them, rendered still more monstrous by +their wrappings, mewed, beat their wings, and opened and closed their +huge jaws in foolish grimaces. + +All the Pharaohs were there--Cheops, Chephrenes, Psammetichus, Sesostri, +Amenoteph, all the dark-skinned rulers of the country of the pyramids, +and the royal sepulchers; on a still higher platform sat enthroned the +kings Chronos, and Xixouthros, who were contemporary with the deluge, +and Tubal-Cain, who preceded it. + +The beard of King Xixouthros had grown to such lengths that it had +already wound itself seven times around the granite table against which +he leaned, lost in reverie, as though in slumber. + +Further in the distance, through a dim exhalation, across the mists of +eternities, I beheld vaguely the seventy-two pre-Adamite kings, with +their seventy-two peoples, vanished forever. + +The Princess Hermonthis, after allowing me a few moments to enjoy this +dizzying spectacle, presented me to Pharaoh, her father, who nodded to +me in a most majestic manner. + +"I have found my foot--I have found my foot!" cried the Princess, +clapping her little hands, with every indication of uncontrollable joy. +"It was this gentleman who returned it to me." + +The races of Kheme, the races of Nahasi, all the races, black, bronze, +and copper-colored, repeated in a chorus: + +"The Princess Hermonthis has found her foot." + +Xixouthros himself was deeply affected. + +He raised his heavy eyelids, stroked his moustache, and regarded me with +his glance charged with the centuries. + +"By Oms, the dog of Hell, and by Tmei, daughter of the Sun and of Truth, +here is a brave and worthy young man," said Pharaoh, extending toward me +his scepter which terminated in a lotus flower. "What recompense do you +desire?" + +Eagerly, with that audacity which one has in dreams, where nothing seems +impossible, I asked him for the hand of the Princess Hermonthis. Her +hand in exchange for her foot, seemed to me an antithetical recompense, +in sufficiently good taste. + +Pharaoh opened wide his eyes of glass, surprised at my pleasantry, as +well as my request. + +"From what country are you, and what is your age?" + +"I am a Frenchman, and I am twenty-seven years old, venerable Pharaoh." + +"Twenty-seven years old! And he wishes to espouse the Princess +Hermonthis, who is thirty centuries old!" exclaimed in a chorus all the +thrones, and all the circles of nations. + +Hermonthis alone did not seem to think my request improper. + +"If you were even two thousand years old," continued the old king, "I +would gladly bestow upon you the Princess; but the disproportion is too +great; besides, our daughters must have husbands who will last, and you +no longer know how to preserve yourselves. Of the last persons who were +brought here, scarcely fifteen centuries ago, nothing now remains but a +pinch of ashes. Look! my flesh is as hard as basalt, my bones are bars +of steel. I shall be present on the last day, with the body and features +I had in life. My daughter Hermonthis will last longer than a statue of +bronze. But at that time the winds will have dissipated the last grains +of your dust, and Isis herself, who knew how to recover the fragments of +Osiris, would hardly be able to recompose your being. See how vigorous I +still am, and how powerful is the strength of my arm," said he, shaking +my hand in the English fashion, in a way that cut my fingers with my +rings. + +His grasp was so strong that I awoke, and discovered my friend Alfred, +who was pulling me by the arm, and shaking me, to make me get up. + +"Oh, see here, you maddening sleeper! Must I have you dragged into the +middle of the street, and have fireworks put off close to your ear, in +order to waken you? It is afternoon. Don't you remember that you +promised to call for me and take me to see the Spanish pictures of M. +Aguada?" + +"Good heavens! I forgot all about it," I answered, dressing hurriedly. +"We can go there at once--I have the permit here on my table." I crossed +over to get it; imagine my astonishment when I saw, not the mummy's foot +I had bought the evening before, but the little green paste image left +in its place by the Princess Hermonthis! + + + + +THE RIVAL GHOSTS + +BY BRANDER MATTHEWS + +From _Tales of Fantasy and Fact_, by Brander Matthews. Copyright, 1886, +by Harper Brothers. By permission of the publishers and Brander +Matthews. + + + + +The Rival Ghosts + +BY BRANDER MATTHEWS + + +The good ship sped on her way across the calm Atlantic. It was an +outward passage, according to the little charts which the company had +charily distributed, but most of the passengers were homeward bound, +after a summer of rest and recreation, and they were counting the days +before they might hope to see Fire Island Light. On the lee side of the +boat, comfortably sheltered from the wind, and just by the door of the +captain's room (which was theirs during the day), sat a little group of +returning Americans. The Duchess (she was down on the purser's list as +Mrs. Martin, but her friends and familiars called her the Duchess of +Washington Square) and Baby Van Rensselaer (she was quite old enough to +vote, had her sex been entitled to that duty, but as the younger of two +sisters she was still the baby of the family)--the Duchess and Baby Van +Rensselaer were discussing the pleasant English voice and the not +unpleasant English accent of a manly young lordling who was going to +America for sport. Uncle Larry and Dear Jones were enticing each other +into a bet on the ship's run of the morrow. + +"I'll give you two to one she don't make 420," said Dear Jones. + +"I'll take it," answered Uncle Larry. "We made 427 the fifth day last +year." It was Uncle Larry's seventeenth visit to Europe, and this was +therefore his thirty-fourth voyage. + +"And when did you get in?" asked Baby Van Rensselaer. "I don't care a +bit about the run, so long as we get in soon." + +"We crossed the bar Sunday night, just seven days after we left +Queenstown, and we dropped anchor off Quarantine at three o'clock on +Monday morning." + +"I hope we sha'n't do that this time. I can't seem to sleep any when the +boat stops." + +"I can, but I didn't," continued Uncle Larry, "because my stateroom was +the most for'ard in the boat, and the donkey-engine that let down the +anchor was right over my head." + +"So you got up and saw the sun rise over the bay," said Dear Jones, +"with the electric lights of the city twinkling in the distance, and the +first faint flush of the dawn in the east just over Fort Lafayette, and +the rosy tinge which spread softly upward, and----" + +"Did you both come back together?" asked the Duchess. + +"Because he has crossed thirty-four times you must not suppose he has a +monopoly in sunrises," retorted Dear Jones. "No; this was my own +sunrise; and a mighty pretty one it was too." + +"I'm not matching sunrises with you," remarked Uncle Larry calmly; +"but I'm willing to back a merry jest called forth by my sunrise against +any two merry jests called forth by yours." + +"I confess reluctantly that my sunrise evoked no merry jest at all." +Dear Jones was an honest man, and would scorn to invent a merry jest on +the spur of the moment. + +"That's where my sunrise has the call," said Uncle Larry, complacently. + +"What was the merry jest?" was Baby Van Rensselaer's inquiry, the +natural result of a feminine curiosity thus artistically excited. + +"Well, here it is. I was standing aft, near a patriotic American and a +wandering Irishman, and the patriotic American rashly declared that you +couldn't see a sunrise like that anywhere in Europe, and this gave the +Irishman his chance, and he said, 'Sure ye don't have'm here till we're +through with 'em over there.'" + +"It is true," said Dear Jones, thoughtfully, "that they do have some +things over there better than we do; for instance, umbrellas." + +"And gowns," added the Duchess. + +"And antiquities."--this was Uncle Larry's contribution. + +"And we do have some things so much better in America!" protested Baby +Van Rensselaer, as yet uncorrupted by any worship of the effete +monarchies of despotic Europe. "We make lots of things a great deal +nicer than you can get them in Europe--especially ice-cream." + +"And pretty girls," added Dear Jones; but he did not look at her. + +"And spooks," remarked Uncle Larry, casually. + +"Spooks?" queried the Duchess. + +"Spooks. I maintain the word. Ghost, if you like that better, or +specters. We turn out the best quality of spook----" + +"You forget the lovely ghost stories about the Rhine and the Black +Forest," interrupted Miss Van Rensselaer, with feminine inconsistency. + +"I remember the Rhine and the Black Forest and all the other haunts of +elves and fairies and hobgoblins; but for good honest spooks there is no +place like home. And what differentiates our spook--_spiritus +Americanus_--from the ordinary ghost of literature is that it responds +to the American sense of humor. Take Irving's stories, for example. The +'Headless Horseman'--that's a comic ghost story. And Rip Van +Winkle--consider what humor, and what good humor, there is in the +telling of his meeting with the goblin crew of Hendrik Hudson's men! A +still better example of this American way of dealing with legend and +mystery is the marvelous tale of the rival ghosts." + +"The rival ghosts!" queried the Duchess and Baby Van Rensselaer +together. "Who were they?" + +"Didn't I ever tell you about them?" answered Uncle Larry, a gleam of +approaching joy flashing from his eye. + +"Since he is bound to tell us sooner or later, we'd better be resigned +and hear it now," said Dear Jones. + +"If you are not more eager, I won't tell it at all." + +"Oh, do, Uncle Larry! you know I just dote on ghost stories," pleaded +Baby Van Rensselaer. + +"Once upon a time," began Uncle Larry--"in fact, a very few years +ago--there lived in the thriving town of New York a young American +called Duncan--Eliphalet Duncan. Like his name, he was half Yankee and +half Scotch, and naturally he was a lawyer, and had come to New York to +make his way. His father was a Scotchman who had come over and settled +in Boston and married a Salem girl. When Eliphalet Duncan was about +twenty he lost both of his parents. His father left him enough money to +give him a start, and a strong feeling of pride in his Scotch birth; you +see there was a title in the family in Scotland, and although +Eliphalet's father was the younger son of a younger son, yet he always +remembered, and always bade his only son to remember, that this ancestry +was noble. His mother left him her full share of Yankee grit and a +little old house in Salem which had belonged to her family for more than +two hundred years. She was a Hitchcock, and the Hitchcocks had been +settled in Salem since the year 1. It was a great-great-grandfather of +Mr. Eliphalet Hitchcock who was foremost in the time of the Salem +witchcraft craze. And this little old house which she left to my friend, +Eliphalet Duncan, was haunted." + +"By the ghost of one of the witches, of course?" interrupted Dear Jones. + +"Now how could it be the ghost of a witch, since the witches were all +burned at the stake? You never heard of anybody who was burned having a +ghost, did you?" asked Uncle Larry. + +"That's an argument in favor of cremation, at any rate," replied Dear +Jones, evading the direct question. + +"It is, if you don't like ghosts. I do," said Baby Van Rensselaer. + +"And so do I," added Uncle Larry. "I love a ghost as dearly as an +Englishman loves a lord." + +"Go on with your story," said the Duchess, majestically overruling all +extraneous discussion. + +"This little old house at Salem was haunted," resumed Uncle Larry. "And +by a very distinguished ghost--or at least by a ghost with very +remarkable attributes." + +"What was he like?" asked Baby Van Rensselaer, with a premonitory shiver +of anticipatory delight. + +"It had a lot of peculiarities. In the first place, it never appeared to +the master of the house. Mostly it confined its visitations to unwelcome +guests. In the course of the last hundred years it had frightened away +four successive mothers-in-law, while never intruding on the head of the +household." + +"I guess that ghost had been one of the boys when he was alive and in +the flesh." This was Dear Jones's contribution to the telling of the +tale. + +"In the second place," continued Uncle Larry, "it never frightened +anybody the first time it appeared. Only on the second visit were the +ghost-seers scared; but then they were scared enough for twice, and they +rarely mustered up courage enough to risk a third interview. One of the +most curious characteristics of this well-meaning spook was that it had +no face--or at least that nobody ever saw its face." + +"Perhaps he kept his countenance veiled?" queried the Duchess, who was +beginning to remember that she never did like ghost stories. + +"That was what I was never able to find out. I have asked several people +who saw the ghost, and none of them could tell me anything about its +face, and yet while in its presence they never noticed its features, and +never remarked on their absence or concealment. It was only afterwards +when they tried to recall calmly all the circumstances of meeting with +the mysterious stranger that they became aware that they had not seen +its face. And they could not say whether the features were covered, or +whether they were wanting, or what the trouble was. They knew only that +the face was never seen. And no matter how often they might see it, they +never fathomed this mystery. To this day nobody knows whether the ghost +which used to haunt the little old house in Salem had a face, or what +manner of face it had." + +"How awfully weird!" said Baby Van Rensselaer. "And why did the ghost go +away?" + +"I haven't said it went away," answered Uncle Larry, with much dignity. + +"But you said it _used_ to haunt the little old house at Salem, so I +supposed it had moved. Didn't it?" the young lady asked. + +"You shall be told in due time. Eliphalet Duncan used to spend most of +his summer vacations at Salem, and the ghost never bothered him at all, +for he was the master of the house--much to his disgust, too, because he +wanted to see for himself the mysterious tenant at will of his property. +But he never saw it, never. He arranged with friends to call him +whenever it might appear, and he slept in the next room with the door +open; and yet when their frightened cries waked him the ghost was gone, +and his only reward was to hear reproachful sighs as soon as he went +back to bed. You see, the ghost thought it was not fair of Eliphalet to +seek an introduction which was plainly unwelcome." + +Dear Jones interrupted the story-teller by getting up and tucking a +heavy rug more snugly around Baby Van Rensselaer's feet, for the sky was +now overcast and gray, and the air was damp and penetrating. + +"One fine spring morning," pursued Uncle Larry, "Eliphalet Duncan +received great news. I told you that there was a title in the family in +Scotland, and that Eliphalet's father was the younger son of a younger +son. Well, it happened that all Eliphalet's father's brothers and +uncles had died off without male issue except the eldest son of the +eldest son, and he, of course, bore the title, and was Baron Duncan of +Duncan. Now the great news that Eliphalet Duncan received in New York +one fine spring morning was that Baron Duncan and his only son had been +yachting in the Hebrides, and they had been caught in a black squall, +and they were both dead. So my friend Eliphalet Duncan inherited the +title and the estates." + +"How romantic!" said the Duchess. "So he was a baron!" + +"Well," answered Uncle Larry, "he was a baron if he chose. But he didn't +choose." + +"More fool he!" said Dear Jones, sententiously. + +"Well," answered Uncle Larry, "I'm not so sure of that. You see, +Eliphalet Duncan was half Scotch and half Yankee, and he had two eyes to +the main chance. He held his tongue about his windfall of luck until he +could find out whether the Scotch estates were enough to keep up the +Scotch title. He soon discovered that they were not, and that the late +Lord Duncan, having married money, kept up such state as he could out of +the revenues of the dowry of Lady Duncan. And Eliphalet, he decided that +he would rather be a well-fed lawyer in New York, living comfortably on +his practice, than a starving lord in Scotland, living scantily on his +title." + +"But he kept his title?" asked the Duchess. + +"Well," answered Uncle Larry, "he kept it quiet. I knew it, and a friend +or two more. But Eliphalet was a sight too smart to put 'Baron Duncan of +Duncan, Attorney and Counselor at Law,' on his shingle." + +"What has all this got to do with your ghost?" asked Dear Jones, +pertinently. + +"Nothing with that ghost, but a good deal with another ghost. Eliphalet +was very learned in spirit lore--perhaps because he owned the haunted +house at Salem, perhaps because he was a Scotchman by descent. At all +events, he had made a special study of the wraiths and white ladies and +banshees and bogies of all kinds whose sayings and doings and warnings +are recorded in the annals of the Scottish nobility. In fact, he was +acquainted with the habits of every reputable spook in the Scotch +peerage. And he knew that there was a Duncan ghost attached to the +person of the holder of the title of Baron Duncan of Duncan." + +"So, besides being the owner of a haunted house in Salem, he was also a +haunted man in Scotland?" asked Baby Van Rensselaer. + +"Just so. But the Scotch ghost was not unpleasant, like the Salem ghost, +although it had one peculiarity in common with its transatlantic +fellow-spook. It never appeared to the holder of the title, just as the +other never was visible to the owner of the house. In fact, the Duncan +ghost was never seen at all. It was a guardian angel only. Its sole duty +was to be in personal attendance on Baron Duncan of Duncan, and to warn +him of impending evil. The traditions of the house told that the Barons +of Duncan had again and again felt a premonition of ill fortune. Some of +them had yielded and withdrawn from the venture they had undertaken, and +it had failed dismally. Some had been obstinate, and had hardened their +hearts, and had gone on reckless to defeat and to death. In no case had +a Lord Duncan been exposed to peril without fair warning." + +"Then how came it that the father and son were lost in the yacht off the +Hebrides?" asked Dear Jones. + +"Because they were too enlightened to yield to superstition. There is +extant now a letter of Lord Duncan, written to his wife a few minutes +before he and his son set sail, in which he tells her how hard he has +had to struggle with an almost overmastering desire to give up the trip. +Had he obeyed the friendly warning of the family ghost, the letter would +have been spared a journey across the Atlantic." + +"Did the ghost leave Scotland for America as soon as the old baron +died?" asked Baby Van Rensselaer, with much interest. + +"How did he come over," queried Dear Jones--"in the steerage, or as a +cabin passenger?" + +"I don't know," answered Uncle Larry, calmly, "and Eliphalet didn't +know. For as he was in no danger, and stood in no need of warning, he +couldn't tell whether the ghost was on duty or not. Of course he was on +the watch for it all the time. But he never got any proof of its +presence until he went down to the little old house of Salem, just +before the Fourth of July. He took a friend down with him--a young +fellow who had been in the regular army since the day Fort Sumter was +fired on, and who thought that after four years of the little +unpleasantness down South, including six months in Libby, and after ten +years of fighting the bad Indians on the plains, he wasn't likely to be +much frightened by a ghost. Well, Eliphalet and the officer sat out on +the porch all the evening smoking and talking over points in military +law. A little after twelve o'clock, just as they began to think it was +about time to turn in, they heard the most ghastly noise in the house. +It wasn't a shriek, or a howl, or a yell, or anything they could put a +name to. It was an undeterminate, inexplicable shiver and shudder of +sound, which went wailing out of the window. The officer had been at +Cold Harbor, but he felt himself getting colder this time. Eliphalet +knew it was the ghost who haunted the house. As this weird sound died +away, it was followed by another, sharp, short, blood-curdling in its +intensity. Something in this cry seemed familiar to Eliphalet, and he +felt sure that it proceeded from the family ghost, the warning wraith of +the Duncans." + +"Do I understand you to intimate that both ghosts were there together?" +inquired the Duchess, anxiously. + +"Both of them were there," answered Uncle Larry. "You see, one of them +belonged to the house, and had to be there all the time, and the other +was attached to the person of Baron Duncan, and had to follow him there; +wherever he was, there was that ghost also. But Eliphalet, he had +scarcely time to think this out when he heard both sounds again, not one +after another, but both together, and something told him--some sort of +an instinct he had--that those two ghosts didn't agree, didn't get on +together, didn't exactly hit it off; in fact, that they were +quarreling." + +"Quarreling ghosts! Well, I never!" was Baby Van Rensselaer's remark. + +"It is a blessed thing to see ghosts dwell together in unity," said Dear +Jones. + +And the Duchess added, "It would certainly be setting a better example." + +"You know," resumed Uncle Larry, "that two waves of light or of sound +may interfere and produce darkness or silence. So it was with these +rival spooks. They interfered, but they did not produce silence or +darkness. On the contrary, as soon as Eliphalet and the officer went +into the house, there began at once a series of spiritualistic +manifestations--a regular dark seance. A tambourine was played upon, a +bell was rung, and a flaming banjo went singing around the room." + +"Where did they get the banjo?" asked Dear Jones, sceptically. + +"I don't know. Materialized it, maybe, just as they did the tambourine. +You don't suppose a quiet New York lawyer kept a stock of musical +instruments large enough to fit out a strolling minstrel troupe just on +the chance of a pair of ghosts coming to give him a surprise party, do +you? Every spook has its own instrument of torture. Angels play on +harps, I'm informed, and spirits delight in banjos and tambourines. +These spooks of Eliphalet Duncan's were ghosts with all modern +improvements, and I guess they were capable of providing their own +musical weapons. At all events, they had them there in the little old +house at Salem the night Eliphalet and his friend came down. And they +played on them, and they rang the bell, and they rapped here, there, and +everywhere. And they kept it up all night." + +"All night?" asked the awe-stricken Duchess. + +"All night long," said Uncle Larry, solemnly; "and the next night too. +Eliphalet did not get a wink of sleep, neither did his friend. On the +second night the house ghost was seen by the officer; on the third night +it showed itself again; and the next morning the officer packed his +gripsack and took the first train to Boston. He was a New Yorker, but he +said he'd sooner go to Boston than see that ghost again. Eliphalet +wasn't scared at all, partly because he never saw either the domiciliary +or the titular spook, and partly because he felt himself on friendly +terms with the spirit world, and didn't scare easily. But after losing +three nights' sleep and the society of his friend, he began to be a +little impatient, and to think that the thing had gone far enough. You +see, while in a way he was fond of ghosts, yet he liked them best one at +a time. Two ghosts were one too many. He wasn't bent on making a +collection of spooks. He and one ghost were company, but he and two +ghosts were a crowd." + +"What did he do?" asked Baby Van Rensselaer. + +"Well he couldn't do anything. He waited awhile, hoping they would get +tired; but he got tired out first. You see, it comes natural to a spook +to sleep in the daytime, but a man wants to sleep nights, and they +wouldn't let him sleep nights. They kept on wrangling and quarreling +incessantly; they manifested and they dark-seanced as regularly as the +old clock on the stairs struck twelve; they rapped and they rang bells +and they banged the tambourine and they threw the flaming banjo about +the house, and, worse than all, they swore." + +"I did not know that spirits were addicted to bad language," said the +Duchess. + +"How did he know they were swearing? Could he hear them?" asked Dear +Jones. + +"That was just it," responded Uncle Larry; "he could not hear them--at +least, not distinctly. There were inarticulate murmurs and stifled +rumblings. But the impression produced on him was that they were +swearing. If they had only sworn right out, he would not have minded it +so much, because he would have known the worst. But the feeling that the +air was full of suppressed profanity was very wearing, and after +standing it for a week he gave up in disgust and went to the White +Mountains." + +"Leaving them to fight it out, I suppose," interjected Baby Van +Rensselaer. + +"Not at all," explained Uncle Larry. "They could not quarrel unless he +was present. You see, he could not leave the titular ghost behind him, +and the domiciliary ghost could not leave the house. When he went away +he took the family ghost with him, leaving the house ghost behind. Now +spooks can't quarrel when they are a hundred miles apart any more than +men can." + +"And what happened afterwards?" asked Baby Van Rensselaer, with a pretty +impatience. + +"A most marvelous thing happened. Eliphalet Duncan went to the White +Mountains, and in the car of the railroad that runs to the top of Mount +Washington he met a classmate whom he had not seen for years, and this +classmate introduced Duncan to his sister, and this sister was a +remarkably pretty girl, and Duncan fell in love with her at first sight, +and by the time he got to the top of Mount Washington he was so deep in +love that he began to consider his own unworthiness, and to wonder +whether she might ever be induced to care for him a little--ever so +little." + +"I don't think that is so marvelous a thing," said Dear Jones, glancing +at Baby Van Rensselaer. + +"Who was she?" asked the Duchess, who had once lived in Philadelphia. + +"She was Miss Kitty Sutton, of San Francisco, and she was a daughter of +old Judge Sutton, of the firm of Pixley & Sutton." + +"A very respectable family," assented the Duchess. + +"I hope she wasn't a daughter of that loud and vulgar old Mrs. Sutton +whom I met at Saratoga one summer four or five years ago?" said Dear +Jones. + +"Probably she was," Uncle Larry responded. + +"She was a horrid old woman. The boys used to call her Mother Gorgon." + +"The pretty Kitty Sutton with whom Eliphalet Duncan had fallen in love +was the daughter of Mother Gorgon. But he never saw the mother, who was +in Frisco, or Los Angeles, or Santa Fe, or somewhere out West, and he +saw a great deal of the daughter, who was up in the White Mountains. She +was traveling with her brother and his wife, and as they journeyed from +hotel to hotel Duncan went with them, and filled out the quartette. +Before the end of the summer he began to think about proposing. Of +course he had lots of chances, going on excursions as they were every +day. He made up his mind to seize the first opportunity, and that very +evening he took her out for a moonlight row on Lake Winipiseogee. As he +handed her into the boat he resolved to do it, and he had a glimmer of +suspicion that she knew he was going to do it, too." + +"Girls," said Dear Jones, "never go out in a rowboat at night with a +young man unless you mean to accept him." + +"Sometimes it's best to refuse him, and get it over once for all," said +Baby Van Rensselaer, impersonally. + +"As Eliphalet took the oars he felt a sudden chill. He tried to shake it +off, but in vain. He began to have a growing consciousness of impending +evil. Before he had taken ten strokes--and he was a swift oarsman--he +was aware of a mysterious presence between him and Miss Sutton." + +"Was it the guardian-angel ghost warning him off the match?" interrupted +Dear Jones. + +"That's just what it was," said Uncle Larry. "And he yielded to it, and +kept his peace, and rowed Miss Sutton back to the hotel with his +proposal unspoken." + +"More fool he," said Dear Jones. "It will take more than one ghost to +keep me from proposing when my mind is made up." And he looked at Baby +Van Rensselaer. + +"The next morning," continued Uncle Larry, "Eliphalet overslept himself, +and when he went down to a late breakfast he found that the Suttons had +gone to New York by the morning train. He wanted to follow them at once, +and again he felt the mysterious presence overpowering his will. He +struggled two days, and at last he roused himself to do what he wanted +in spite of the spook. When he arrived in New York it was late in the +evening. He dressed himself hastily, and went to the hotel where the +Suttons were, in the hope of seeing at least her brother. The guardian +angel fought every inch of the walk with him, until he began to wonder +whether, if Miss Sutton were to take him, the spook would forbid the +banns. At the hotel he saw no one that night, and he went home +determined to call as early as he could the next afternoon, and make an +end of it. When he left his office about two o'clock the next day to +learn his fate, he had not walked five blocks before he discovered that +the wraith of the Duncans had withdrawn his opposition to the suit. +There was no feeling of impending evil, no resistance, no struggle, no +consciousness of an opposing presence. Eliphalet was greatly encouraged. +He walked briskly to the hotel; he found Miss Sutton alone. He asked her +the question, and got his answer." + +"She accepted him, of course?" said Baby Van Rensselaer. + +"Of course," said Uncle Larry. "And while they were in the first flush +of joy, swapping confidences and confessions, her brother came into the +parlor with an expression of pain on his face and a telegram in his +hand. The former was caused by the latter, which was from Frisco, and +which announced the sudden death of Mrs. Sutton, their mother." + +"And that was why the ghost no longer opposed the match?" questioned +Dear Jones. + +"Exactly. You see, the family ghost knew that Mother Gorgon was an awful +obstacle to Duncan's happiness, so it warned him. But the moment the +obstacle was removed, it gave its consent at once." + +The fog was lowering its thick, damp curtain, and it was beginning to be +difficult to see from one end of the boat to the other. Dear Jones +tightened the rug which enwrapped Baby Van Rensselaer, and then withdrew +again into his own substantial coverings. + +Uncle Larry paused in his story long enough to light another of the tiny +cigars he always smoked. + +"I infer that Lord Duncan"--the Duchess was scrupulous in the bestowal +of titles--"saw no more of the ghosts after he was married." + +"He never saw them at all, at any time, either before or since. But they +came very near breaking off the match, and thus breaking two young +hearts." + +"You don't mean to say that they knew any just cause or impediment why +they should not forever after hold their peace?" asked Dear Jones. + +"How could a ghost, or even two ghosts, keep a girl from marrying the +man she loved?" This was Baby Van Rensselaer's question. + +"It seems curious, doesn't it?" and Uncle Larry tried to warm himself by +two or three sharp pulls at his fiery little cigar. "And the +circumstances are quite as curious as the fact itself. You see, Miss +Sutton wouldn't be married for a year after her mother's death, so she +and Duncan had lots of time to tell each other all they knew. Eliphalet +got to know a good deal about the girls she went to school with; and +Kitty soon learned all about his family. He didn't tell her about the +title for a long time, as he wasn't one to brag. But he described to +her the little old house at Salem. And one evening towards the end of +the summer, the wedding-day having been appointed for early in +September, she told him that she didn't want a bridal tour at all; she +just wanted to go down to the little old house at Salem to spend her +honeymoon in peace and quiet, with nothing to do and nobody to bother +them. Well, Eliphalet jumped at the suggestion: it suited him down to +the ground. All of a sudden he remembered the spooks, and it knocked him +all of a heap. He had told her about the Duncan banshee, and the idea of +having an ancestral ghost in personal attendance on her husband tickled +her immensely. But he had never said anything about the ghost which +haunted the little old house at Salem. He knew she would be frightened +out of her wits if the house ghost revealed itself to her, and he saw at +once that it would be impossible to go to Salem on their wedding trip. +So he told her all about it, and how whenever he went to Salem the two +ghosts interfered, and gave dark seances and manifested and materialized +and made the place absolutely impossible. Kitty listened in silence, and +Eliphalet thought she had changed her mind. But she hadn't done anything +of the kind." + +"Just like a man--to think she was going to," remarked Baby Van +Rensselaer. + +"She just told him she could not bear ghosts herself, but she would not +marry a man who was afraid of them." + +"Just like a girl--to be so inconsistent," remarked Dear Jones. + +Uncle Larry's tiny cigar had long been extinct. He lighted a new one, +and continued: "Eliphalet protested in vain. Kitty said her mind was +made up. She was determined to pass her honeymoon in the little old +house at Salem, and she was equally determined not to go there as long +as there were any ghosts there. Until he could assure her that the +spectral tenant had received notice to quit, and that there was no +danger of manifestations and materializing, she refused to be married at +all. She did not intend to have her honeymoon interrupted by two +wrangling ghosts, and the wedding could be postponed until he had made +ready the house for her." + +"She was an unreasonable young woman," said the Duchess. + +"Well, that's what Eliphalet thought, much as he was in love with her. +And he believed he could talk her out of her determination. But he +couldn't. She was set. And when a girl is set, there's nothing to do but +to yield to the inevitable. And that's just what Eliphalet did. He saw +he would either have to give her up or to get the ghosts out; and as he +loved her and did not care for the ghosts, he resolved to tackle the +ghosts. He had clear grit, Eliphalet had--he was half Scotch and half +Yankee and neither breed turns tail in a hurry. So he made his plans and +he went down to Salem. As he said good-by to Kitty he had an impression +that she was sorry she had made him go; but she kept up bravely, and +put a bold face on it, and saw him off, and went home and cried for an +hour, and was perfectly miserable until he came back the next day." + +"Did he succeed in driving the ghosts away?" asked Baby Van Rensselaer, +with great interest. + +"That's just what I'm coming to," said Uncle Larry, pausing at the +critical moment, in the manner of the trained story-teller. "You see, +Eliphalet had got a rather tough job, and he would gladly have had an +extension of time on the contract, but he had to choose between the girl +and the ghosts, and he wanted the girl. He tried to invent or remember +some short and easy way with ghosts, but he couldn't. He wished that +somebody had invented a specific for spooks--something that would make +the ghosts come out of the house and die in the yard. He wondered if he +could not tempt the ghosts to run in debt, so that he might get the +sheriff to help him. He wondered also whether the ghosts could not be +overcome with strong drink--a dissipated spook, a spook with delirium +tremens, might be committed to the inebriate asylum. But none of these +things seemed feasible." + +"What did he do?" interrupted Dear Jones. "The learned counsel will +please speak to the point." + +"You will regret this unseemly haste," said Uncle Larry, gravely, "when +you know what really happened." + +"What was it, Uncle Larry?" asked Baby Van Rensselaer. "I'm all +impatience." + +And Uncle Larry proceeded: + +"Eliphalet went down to the little old house at Salem, and as soon as +the clock struck twelve the rival ghosts began wrangling as before. Raps +here, there, and everywhere, ringing bells, banging tambourines, +strumming banjos sailing about the room, and all the other +manifestations and materializations followed one another just as they +had the summer before. The only difference Eliphalet could detect was a +stronger flavor in the spectral profanity; and this, of course, was only +a vague impression, for he did not actually hear a single word. He +waited awhile in patience, listening and watching. Of course he never +saw either of the ghosts, because neither of them could appear to him. +At last he got his dander up, and he thought it was about time to +interfere, so he rapped on the table, and asked for silence. As soon as +he felt that the spooks were listening to him he explained the situation +to them. He told them he was in love, and that he could not marry unless +they vacated the house. He appealed to them as old friends, and he laid +claim to their gratitude. The titular ghost had been sheltered by the +Duncan family for hundreds of years, and the domiciliary ghost had had +free lodging in the little old house at Salem for nearly two centuries. +He implored them to settle their differences, and to get him out of his +difficulty at once. He suggested that they had better fight it out then +and there, and see who was master. He had brought down with him all +needful weapons. And he pulled out his valise, and spread on the table a +pair of navy revolvers, a pair of shotguns, a pair of dueling-swords, +and a couple of bowie knives. He offered to serve as second for both +parties, and to give the word when to begin. He also took out of his +valise a pack of cards and a bottle of poison, telling them that if they +wished to avoid carnage they might cut the cards to see which one should +take the poison. Then he waited anxiously for their reply. For a little +space there was silence. Then he became conscious of a tremulous +shivering in one corner of the room, and he remembered that he had heard +from that direction what sounded like a frightened sigh when he made the +first suggestion of the duel. Something told him that this was the +domiciliary ghost, and that it was badly scared. Then he was impressed +by a certain movement in the opposite corner of the room, as though the +titular ghost were drawing himself up with offended dignity. Eliphalet +couldn't exactly see those things, because he never saw the ghosts, but +he felt them. After a silence of nearly a minute a voice came from the +corner where the family ghost stood--a voice strong and full, but +trembling slightly with suppressed passion. And this voice told +Eliphalet it was plain enough that he had not long been the head of the +Duncans, and that he had never properly considered the characteristics +of his race if now he supposed that one of his blood could draw his +sword against a woman. Eliphalet said he had never suggested that the +Duncan ghost should raise his hand against a woman, and all he wanted +was that the Duncan ghost should fight the other ghost. And then the +voice told Eliphalet that the other ghost was a woman." + +"What?" said Dear Jones, sitting up suddenly. "You don't mean to tell me +that the ghost which haunted the house was a woman?" + +"Those were the very words Eliphalet Duncan used," said Uncle Larry; +"but he did not need to wait for the answer. All at once he recalled the +traditions about the domiciliary ghost, and he knew that what the +titular ghost said was the fact. He had never thought of the sex of a +spook, but there was no doubt whatever that the house ghost was a woman. +No sooner was this firmly fixed in Eliphalet's mind than he saw his way +out of the difficulty. The ghosts must be married!--for then there would +be no more interference, no more quarreling, no more manifestations and +materializations, no more dark seances, with their raps and bells and +tambourines and banjos. At first the ghosts would not hear of it. The +voice in the corner declared that the Duncan wraith had never thought of +matrimony. But Eliphalet argued with them, and pleaded and pursuaded and +coaxed, and dwelt on the advantages of matrimony. He had to confess, of +course, that he did not know how to get a clergyman to marry them; but +the voice from the corner gravely told him that there need be no +difficulty in regard to that, as there was no lack of spiritual +chaplains. Then, for the first time, the house ghost spoke, a low, +clear, gentle voice, and with a quaint, old-fashioned New England +accent, which contrasted sharply with the broad Scotch speech of the +family ghost. She said that Eliphalet Duncan seemed to have forgotten +that she was married. But this did not upset Eliphalet at all; he +remembered the whole case clearly, and he told her she was not a married +ghost, but a widow, since her husband had been hanged for murdering her. +Then the Duncan ghost drew attention to the great disparity in their +ages, saying that he was nearly four hundred and fifty years old, while +she was barely two hundred. But Eliphalet had not talked to juries for +nothing; he just buckled to, and coaxed those ghosts into matrimony. +Afterwards he came to the conclusion that they were willing to be +coaxed, but at the time he thought he had pretty hard work to convince +them of the advantages of the plan." + +"Did he succeed?" asked Baby Van Rensselaer, with a woman's interest in +matrimony. + +"He did," said Uncle Larry. "He talked the wraith of the Duncans and the +specter of the little old house at Salem into a matrimonial engagement. +And from the time they were engaged he had no more trouble with them. +They were rival ghosts no longer. They were married by their spiritual +chaplain the very same day that Eliphalet Duncan met Kitty Sutton in +front of the railing of Grace Church. The ghostly bride and bridegroom +went away at once on their bridal tour, and Lord and Lady Duncan went +down to the little old house at Salem to pass their honeymoon." + +Uncle Larry stopped. His tiny cigar was out again. The tale of the rival +ghosts was told. A solemn silence fell on the little party on the deck +of the ocean steamer, broken harshly by the hoarse roar of the +fog-horn. + + + + +THE WATER GHOST OF HARROWBY HALL + +BY JOHN KENDRICK BANGS + +From _The Water Ghost, and other Stories_, by John Kendrick Bangs. +Copyright, 1904, by Harper Brothers. By permission of the publishers and +John Kendrick Bangs. + + + + +The Water Ghost of Harrowby Hall + +BY JOHN KENDRICK BANGS + + +The trouble with Harrowby Hall was that it was haunted, and, what was +worse, the ghost did not content itself with merely appearing at the +bedside of the afflicted person who saw it, but persisted in remaining +there for one mortal hour before it would disappear. + +It never appeared except on Christmas Eve, and then as the clock was +striking twelve, in which respect alone was it lacking in that +originality which in these days is a _sine qua non_ of success in +spectral life. The owners of Harrowby Hall had done their utmost to rid +themselves of the damp and dewy lady who rose up out of the best bedroom +floor at midnight, but without avail. They had tried stopping the clock, +so that the ghost would not know when it was midnight; but she made her +appearance just the same, with that fearful miasmatic personality of +hers, and there she would stand until everything about her was +thoroughly saturated. + +Then the owners of Harrowby Hall caulked up every crack in the floor +with the very best quality of hemp, and over this were placed layers of +tar and canvas; the walls were made waterproof, and the doors and +windows likewise, the proprietors having conceived the notion that the +unexorcised lady would find it difficult to leak into the room after +these precautions had been taken; but even this did not suffice. The +following Christmas Eve she appeared as promptly as before, and +frightened the occupant of the room quite out of his senses by sitting +down alongside of him and gazing with her cavernous blue eyes into his; +and he noticed, too, that in her long, aqueously bony fingers bits of +dripping seaweed were entwined, the ends hanging down, and these ends +she drew across his forehead until he became like one insane. And then +he swooned away, and was found unconscious in his bed the next morning +by his host, simply saturated with sea-water and fright, from the +combined effects of which he never recovered, dying four years later of +pneumonia and nervous prostration at the age of seventy-eight. + +The next year the master of Harrowby Hall decided not to have the best +spare bedroom opened at all, thinking that perhaps the ghost's thirst +for making herself disagreeable would be satisfied by haunting the +furniture, but the plan was as unavailing as the many that had preceded +it. + +The ghost appeared as usual in the room--that is, it was supposed she +did, for the hangings were dripping wet the next morning, and in the +parlor below the haunted room a great damp spot appeared on the +ceiling. Finding no one there, she immediately set out to learn the +reason why, and she chose none other to haunt than the owner of the +Harrowby himself. She found him in his own cosey room drinking +whiskey--whiskey undiluted--and felicitating himself upon having foiled +her ghost-ship, when all of a sudden the curl went out of his hair, his +whiskey bottle filled and overflowed, and he was himself in a condition +similar to that of a man who has fallen into a water-butt. When he +recovered from the shock, which was a painful one, he saw before him the +lady of the cavernous eyes and seaweed fingers. The sight was so +unexpected and so terrifying that he fainted, but immediately came to, +because of the vast amount of water in his hair, which, trickling down +over his face, restored his consciousness. + +Now it so happened that the master of Harrowby was a brave man, and +while he was not particularly fond of interviewing ghosts, especially +such quenching ghosts as the one before him, he was not to be daunted by +an apparition. He had paid the lady the compliment of fainting from the +effects of his first surprise, and now that he had come to he intended +to find out a few things he felt he had a right to know. He would have +liked to put on a dry suit of clothes first, but the apparition declined +to leave him for an instant until her hour was up, and he was forced to +deny himself that pleasure. Every time he would move she would follow +him, with the result that everything she came in contact with got a +ducking. In an effort to warm himself up he approached the fire, an +unfortunate move as it turned out, because it brought the ghost directly +over the fire, which immediately was extinguished. The whiskey became +utterly valueless as a comforter to his chilled system, because it was +by this time diluted to a proportion of ninety per cent of water. The +only thing he could do to ward off the evil effects of his encounter he +did, and that was to swallow ten two-grain quinine pills, which he +managed to put into his mouth before the ghost had time to interfere. +Having done this, he turned with some asperity to the ghost, and said: + +"Far be it from me to be impolite to a woman, madam, but I'm hanged if +it wouldn't please me better if you'd stop these infernal visits of +yours to this house. Go sit out on the lake, if you like that sort of +thing; soak the water-butt, if you wish; but do not, I implore you, come +into a gentleman's house and saturate him and his possessions in this +way. It is damned disagreeable." + +"Henry Hartwick Oglethorpe," said the ghost, in a gurgling voice, "you +don't know what you are talking about." + +"Madam," returned the unhappy householder, "I wish that remark were +strictly truthful. I was talking about you. It would be shillings and +pence--nay, pounds, in my pocket, madam, if I did not know you." + +"That is a bit of specious nonsense," returned the ghost, throwing a +quart of indignation into the face of the master of Harrowby. "It may +rank high as repartee, but as a comment upon my statement that you do +not know what you are talking about, it savors of irrelevant +impertinence. You do not know that I am compelled to haunt this place +year after year by inexorable fate. It is no pleasure to me to enter +this house, and ruin and mildew everything I touch. I never aspired to +be a shower-bath, but it is my doom. Do you know who I am?" + +"No, I don't," returned the master of Harrowby. "I should say you were +the Lady of the Lake, or Little Sallie Waters." + +"You are a witty man for your years," said the ghost. + +"Well, my humor is drier than yours ever will be," returned the master. + +"No doubt. I'm never dry. I am the Water Ghost of Harrowby Hall, and +dryness is a quality entirely beyond my wildest hope. I have been the +incumbent of this highly unpleasant office for two hundred years +to-night." + +"How the deuce did you ever come to get elected?" asked the master. + +"Through a suicide," replied the specter. "I am the ghost of that fair +maiden whose picture hangs over the mantelpiece in the drawing-room. I +should have been your great-great-great-great-great-aunt if I had lived, +Henry Hartwick Oglethorpe, for I was the own sister of your +great-great-great-great-grandfather." + +"But what induced you to get this house into such a predicament?" + +"I was not to blame, sir," returned the lady. "It was my father's fault. +He it was who built Harrowby Hall, and the haunted chamber was to have +been mine. My father had it furnished in pink and yellow, knowing well +that blue and gray formed the only combination of color I could +tolerate. He did it merely to spite me, and, with what I deem a proper +spirit, I declined to live in the room; whereupon my father said I could +live there or on the lawn, he didn't care which. That night I ran from +the house and jumped over the cliff into the sea." + +"That was rash," said the master of Harrowby. + +"So I've heard," returned the ghost. "If I had known what the +consequences were to be I should not have jumped; but I really never +realized what I was doing until after I was drowned. I had been drowned +a week when a sea-nymph came to me and informed me that I was to be one +of her followers forever afterwards, adding that it should be my doom to +haunt Harrowby Hall for one hour every Christmas Eve throughout the rest +of eternity. I was to haunt that room on such Christmas Eves as I found +it inhabited; and if it should turn out not to be inhabited, I was and +am to spend the allotted hour with the head of the house." + +"I'll sell the place." + +"That you cannot do, for it is also required of me that I shall appear +as the deeds are to be delivered to any purchaser, and divulge to him +the awful secret of the house." + +"Do you mean to tell me that on every Christmas Eve that I don't happen +to have somebody in that guest-chamber, you are going to haunt me +wherever I may be, ruining my whiskey, taking all the curl out of my +hair, extinguishing my fire, and soaking me through to the skin?" +demanded the master. + +"You have stated the case, Oglethorpe. And what is more," said the water +ghost, "it doesn't make the slightest difference where you are, if I +find that room empty, wherever you may be I shall douse you with my +spectral pres----" + +Here the clock struck one, and immediately the apparition faded away. It +was perhaps more of a trickle than a fade, but as a disappearance it was +complete. + +"By St. George and his Dragon!" ejaculated the master of Harrowby, +wringing his hands. "It is guineas to hot-cross buns that next Christmas +there's an occupant of the spare room, or I spend the night in a +bathtub." + +But the master of Harrowby would have lost his wager had there been +anyone there to take him up, for when Christmas Eve came again he was in +his grave, never having recovered from the cold contracted that awful +night. Harrowby Hall was closed, and the heir to the estate was in +London, where to him in his chambers came the same experience that his +father had gone through, saving only that, being younger and stronger, +he survived the shock. Everything in his rooms was ruined--his clocks +were rusted in the works; a fine collection of water-color drawings was +entirely obliterated by the onslaught of the water ghost; and what was +worse, the apartments below his were drenched with the water soaking +through the floors, a damage for which he was compelled to pay, and +which resulted in his being requested by his landlady to vacate the +premises immediately. + +The story of the visitation inflicted upon his family had gone abroad, +and no one could be got to invite him out to any function save afternoon +teas and receptions. Fathers of daughters declined to permit him to +remain in their houses later than eight o'clock at night, not knowing +but that some emergency might arise in the supernatural world which +would require the unexpected appearance of the water ghost in this on +nights other than Christmas Eve, and before the mystic hour when weary +churchyards, ignoring the rules which are supposed to govern polite +society, begin to yawn. Nor would the maids themselves have aught to do +with him, fearing the destruction by the sudden incursion of aqueous +femininity of the costumes which they held most dear. + +So the heir of Harrowby Hall resolved, as his ancestors for several +generations before him had resolved, that something must be done. His +first thought was to make one of his servants occupy the haunted room at +the crucial moment; but in this he failed, because the servants +themselves knew the history of that room and rebelled. None of his +friends would consent to sacrifice their personal comfort to his, nor +was there to be found in all England a man so poor as to be willing to +occupy the doomed chamber on Christmas Eve for pay. + +Then the thought came to the heir to have the fireplace in the room +enlarged, so that he might evaporate the ghost at its first appearance, +and he was felicitating himself upon the ingenuity of his plan, when he +remembered what his father had told him--how that no fire could +withstand the lady's extremely contagious dampness. And then he +bethought him of steam-pipes. These, he remembered, could lie hundreds +of feet deep in water, and still retain sufficient heat to drive the +water away in vapor; and as a result of this thought the haunted room +was heated by steam to a withering degree, and the heir for six months +attended daily the Turkish baths, so that when Christmas Eve came he +could himself withstand the awful temperature of the room. + +The scheme was only partially successful. The water ghost appeared at +the specified time, and found the heir of Harrowby prepared; but hot as +the room was, it shortened her visit by no more than five minutes in the +hour, during which time the nervous system of the young master was +well-nigh shattered, and the room itself was cracked and warped to an +extent which required the outlay of a large sum of money to remedy. And +worse than this, as the last drop of the water ghost was slowly +sizzling itself out on the floor, she whispered to her would-be +conqueror that his scheme would avail him nothing, because there was +still water in great plenty where she came from, and that next year +would find her rehabilitated and as exasperatingly saturating as ever. + +It was then that the natural action of the mind, in going from one +extreme to the other, suggested to the ingenious heir of Harrowby the +means by which the water ghost was ultimately conquered, and happiness +once more came within the grasp of the house of Oglethorpe. + +The heir provided himself with a warm suit of fur under-clothing. +Donning this with the furry side in, he placed over it a rubber garment, +tight-fitting, which he wore just as a woman wears a jersey. On top of +this he placed another set of under-clothing, this suit made of wool, +and over this was a second rubber garment like the first. Upon his head +he placed a light and comfortable diving helmet, and so clad, on the +following Christmas Eve he awaited the coming of his tormentor. + +It was a bitterly cold night that brought to a close this twenty-fourth +day of December. The air outside was still, but the temperature was +below zero. Within all was quiet, the servants of Harrowby Hall awaiting +with beating hearts the outcome of their master's campaign against his +supernatural visitor. + +The master himself was lying on the bed in the haunted room, clad as +has already been indicated, and then---- + +The clock clanged out the hour of twelve. + +There was a sudden banging of doors, a blast of cold air swept through +the halls, the door leading into the haunted chamber flew open, a splash +was heard, and the water ghost was seen standing at the side of the heir +of Harrowby, from whose outer dress there streamed rivulets of water, +but whose own person deep down under the various garments he wore was as +dry and as warm as he could have wished. + +"Ha!" said the young master of Harrowby. "I'm glad to see you." + +"You are the most original man I've met, if that is true," returned the +ghost. "May I ask where did you get that hat?" + +"Certainly, madam," returned the master, courteously. "It is a little +portable observatory I had made for just such emergencies as this. But, +tell me, is it true that you are doomed to follow me about for one +mortal hour--to stand where I stand, to sit where I sit?" + +"That is my delectable fate," returned the lady. + +"We'll go out on the lake," said the master, starting up. + +"You can't get rid of me that way," returned the ghost. "The water won't +swallow me up; in fact, it will just add to my present bulk." + +"Nevertheless," said the master, firmly, "we will go out on the lake." + +"But, my dear sir," returned the ghost, with a pale reluctance, "it is +fearfully cold out there. You will be frozen hard before you've been out +ten minutes." + +"Oh no, I'll not," replied the master. "I am very warmly dressed. Come!" +This last in a tone of command that made the ghost ripple. + +And they started. + +They had not gone far before the water ghost showed signs of distress. + +"You walk too slowly," she said. "I am nearly frozen. My knees are so +stiff now I can hardly move. I beseech you to accelerate your step." + +"I should like to oblige a lady," returned the master, courteously, "but +my clothes are rather heavy, and a hundred yards an hour is about my +speed. Indeed, I think we would better sit down here on this snowdrift, +and talk matters over." + +"Do not! Do not do so, I beg!" cried the ghost. "Let me move on. I feel +myself growing rigid as it is. If we stop here, I shall be frozen +stiff." + +"That, madam," said the master slowly, and seating himself on an +ice-cake--"that is why I have brought you here. We have been on this +spot just ten minutes; we have fifty more. Take your time about it, +madam, but freeze, that is all I ask of you." + +"I cannot move my right leg now," cried the ghost, in despair, "and my +overskirt is a solid sheet of ice. Oh, good, kind Mr. Oglethorpe, light +a fire, and let me go free from these icy fetters." + +"Never, madam. It cannot be. I have you at last." + +"Alas!" cried the ghost, a tear trickling down her frozen cheek. "Help +me, I beg. I congeal!" + +"Congeal, madam, congeal!" returned Oglethorpe, coldly. "You have +drenched me and mine for two hundred and three years, madam. To-night +you have had your last drench." + +"Ah, but I shall thaw out again, and then you'll see. Instead of the +comfortably tepid, genial ghost I have been in my past, sir, I shall be +iced-water," cried the lady, threateningly. + +"No, you won't, either," returned Oglethorpe; "for when you are frozen +quite stiff, I shall send you to a cold-storage warehouse, and there +shall you remain an icy work of art forever more." + +"But warehouses burn." + +"So they do, but this warehouse cannot burn. It is made of asbestos and +surrounding it are fireproof walls, and within those walls the +temperature is now and shall forever be 416 degrees below the zero +point; low enough to make an icicle of any flame in this world--or the +next," the master added, with an ill-suppressed chuckle. + +"For the last time let me beseech you. I would go on my knees to you, +Oglethorpe, were they not already frozen. I beg of you do not doo----" + +Here even the words froze on the water-ghost's lips and the clock struck +one. There was a momentary tremor throughout the ice-bound form, and the +moon, coming out from behind a cloud, shone down on the rigid figure of +a beautiful woman sculptured in clear, transparent ice. There stood the +ghost of Harrowby Hall, conquered by the cold, a prisoner for all time. + +The heir of Harrowby had won at last, and to-day in a large storage +house in London stands the frigid form of one who will never again flood +the house of Oglethorpe with woe and sea-water. + +As for the heir of Harrowby, his success in coping with a ghost has made +him famous, a fame that still lingers about him, although his victory +took place some twenty years ago; and so far from being unpopular with +the fair sex, as he was when we first knew him, he has not only been +married twice, but is to lead a third bride to the altar before the year +is out. + + + + +BACK FROM THAT BOURNE + +ANONYMOUS + +From the New York _Sun_. By permission of the editor. + + + + +Back from That Bourne + +ANONYMOUS + + _Practical Working of Materialization in Maine. A + Strange Story from Pocock Island--A Materialized Spirit + that Will not Go back. The First Glimpse of what May + yet Cause very Extensive Trouble in this World._ + +(The _Sun_, Saturday, December 19, 1874.) + + +We are permitted to make extracts from a private letter which bears the +signature of a gentleman well known in business circles, and whose +veracity we have never heard called in question. His statements are +startling and well-nigh incredible, but if true, they are susceptible of +easy verification. Yet the thoughtful mind will hesitate about accepting +them without the fullest proof, for they spring upon the world a social +problem of stupendous importance. The dangers apprehended by Mr. Malthus +and his followers become remote and commonplace by the side of this new +and terrible issue. + +The letter is dated at Pocock Island, a small township in Washington +County, Maine, about seventeen miles from the mainland and nearly +midway between Mt. Desert and the Grand Menan. The last state census +accords to Pocock Island a population of 311, mostly engaged in the +porgy fisheries. At the Presidential election of 1872 the island gave +Grant a majority of three. These two facts are all that we are able to +learn of the locality from sources outside of the letter already +referred to. + +The letter, omitting certain passages which refer solely to private +matters, reads as follows: + +"But enough of the disagreeable business that brought me here to this +bleak island in the month of November. I have a singular story to tell +you. After our experience together at Chittenden I know you will not +reject statements because they are startling. + +"My friend, there is upon Pocock Island a materialized spirit which (or +who) refuses to be dematerialized. At this moment and within a quarter +of a mile from me as I write, a man who died and was buried four years +ago, and who has exploited the mysteries beyond the grave, walks, talks, +and holds interviews with the inhabitants of the island, and is, to all +appearances, determined to remain permanently upon this side of the +river. I will relate the circumstances as briefly as I can." + + +JOHN NEWBEGIN + +"In April, 1870, John Newbegin died and was buried in the little +cemetery on the landward side of the island. Newbegin was a man of +about forty-eight, without family or near connections, and eccentric to +a degree that sometimes inspired questions as to his sanity. What money +he had earned by many seasons' fishing upon the banks was invested in +quarters of two small mackerel schooners, the remainder of which +belonged to John Hodgeson, the richest man on Pocock, who was estimated +by good authorities to be worth thirteen or fourteen thousand dollars. + +"Newbegin was not without a certain kind of culture. He had read a good +deal of the odds and ends of literature and, as a simple-minded islander +expressed it in my hearing, knew more bookfuls than anybody on the +island. He was naturally an intelligent man; and he might have attained +influence in the community had it not been for his utter aimlessness of +character, his indifference to fortune, and his consuming thirst for +rum. + +"Many yachtsmen who have had occasion to stop at Pocock for water or for +harbor shelter during eastern cruises, will remember a long, listless +figure, astonishingly attired in blue army pants, rubber boots, loose +toga made of some bright chintz material, and very bad hat, staggering +through the little settlement, followed by a rabble of jeering brats, +and pausing to strike uncertain blows at those within reach of the dead +sculpin which he usually carried round by the tail. This was John +Newbegin." + + +HIS SUDDEN DEATH + +"As I have already remarked, he died four years ago last April. The +_Mary Emmeline_, one of the little schooners in which he owned, had +returned from the eastward, and had smuggled, or 'run in' a quantity of +St. John brandy. Newbegin had a solitary and protracted debauch. He was +missed from his accustomed walks for several days, and when the +islanders broke into the hovel where he lived, close down to the seaweed +and almost within reach of the incoming tide, they found him dead on the +floor, with an emptied demijohn hard by his head. + +"After the primitive custom of the island, they interred John Newbegin's +remains without coroner's inquest, burial certificate, or funeral +services, and in the excitement of a large catch of porgies that summer, +soon forgot him and his friendless life. His interest in the _Mary +Emmeline_ and the _Prettyboat_ recurred to John Hodgeson; and as nobody +came forward to demand an administration of the estate, it was never +administered. The forms of law are but loosely followed in some of these +marginal localities." + + +HIS REAPPEARANCE AT POCOCK + +"Well, my dear ----, four years and four months had brought their quota +of varying seasons to Pocock Island when John Newbegin reappeared under +the following circumstances: + +"In the latter part of last August, as you may remember, there was a +heavy gale all along our Atlantic coast. During this storm the squadron +of the Naugatuck Yacht Club, which was returning from a summer cruise as +far as Campobello, was forced to take shelter in the harbor to the +leeward of Pocock Island. The gentlemen of the club spent three days at +the little settlement ashore. Among the party was Mr. R---- E----, by +which name you will recognize a medium of celebrity, and one who has +been particularly successful in materializations. At the desire of his +companions, and to relieve the tedium of their detention, Mr. +E---- improvised a cabinet in the little schoolhouse at Pocock, and gave +a _seance_, to the delight of his fellow yachtsmen and the utter +bewilderment of such natives as were permitted to witness the +manifestations. + +"The conditions appeared unusually favorable to spirit appearances and +the _seance_ was upon the whole perhaps the most remarkable that Mr. +E---- ever held. It was all the more remarkable because the surroundings +were such that the most prejudiced skeptic could discover no possibility +of trickery. + +"The first form to issue from the wood closet which constituted the +cabinet, when Mr. E---- had been tied therein by a committee of old +sailors from the yachts, was that of an Indian chief who announced +himself as Hock-a-mock, and who retired after dancing a 'Harvest Moon' +_pas seul_, and declaring himself in very emphatic terms, as opposed to +the present Indian policy of the Administration. Hock-a-mock was +succeeded by the aunt of one of the yachtsmen, who identified herself +beyond question by allusion to family matters and by displaying the scar +of a burn upon her left arm, received while making tomato catsup upon +earth. Then came successively a child whom none present recognized, a +French Canadian who could not talk English, and a portly gentleman who +introduced himself as William King, first Governor of Maine. These in +turn reentered the cabinet and were seen no more. + +"It was some time before another spirit manifested itself, and Mr. E---- +gave directions that the lights be turned down still further. Then the +door of the wood closet was slowly opened and a singular figure in +rubber boots and a species of Dolly Varden garment emerged, bringing a +dead fish in his right hand." + + +HIS DETERMINATION TO REMAIN + +"The city men who were present, I am told, thought that the medium was +masquerading in grotesque habiliments for the more complete astonishment +of the islanders, but these latter rose from their seats and exclaimed +with one consent: 'It is John Newbegin!' And then, in not unnatural +terror of the apparition they turned and fled from the schoolroom, +uttering dismal cries. + +"John Newbegin came calmly forward and turned up the solitary kerosene +lamp that shed uncertain light over the proceedings. He then sat down in +the teacher's chair, folded his arms, and looked complacently about him. + +"'You might as well untie the medium,' he finally remarked. 'I propose +to remain in the materialized condition.' + +"And he did remain. When the party left the schoolhouse among them +walked John Newbegin, as truly a being of flesh and blood as any man of +them. From that day to this, he has been a living inhabitant of Pocock +Island, eating, drinking, (water only) and sleeping after the manner of +men. The yachtsmen who made sail for Bar Harbor the very next morning, +probably believe that he was a fraud hired for the occasion by Mr. +E----. But the people of Pocock, who laid him out, dug his grave, and +put him into it four years ago, know that John Newbegin has come back to +them from a land they know not of." + + +A SINGULAR MEMBER OF SOCIETY + +"The idea, of having a ghost--somewhat more condensed it is true than +the traditional ghost--as a member was not at first overpleasing to the +311 inhabitants of Pocock Island. To this day, they are a little +sensitive upon the subject, feeling evidently that if the matter got +abroad, it might injure the sale of the really excellent porgy oil +which is the product of their sole manufacturing interest. This +reluctance to advertise the skeleton in their closet, superadded to the +slowness of these obtuse, fishy, matter-of-fact people to recognize the +transcendent importance of the case, must be accepted as explanation of +the fact that John Newbegin's spirit has been on earth between three and +four months, and yet the singular circumstance is not known to the whole +country. + +"But the Pocockians have at last come to see that a spirit is not +necessarily a malevolent spirit, and accepting his presence as a fact in +their stolid, unreasoning way, they are quite neighborly and sociable +with Mr. Newbegin. + +"I know that your first question will be: 'Is there sufficient proof of +his ever having been dead?' To this I answer unhesitatingly, 'Yes.' He +was too well-known a character and too many people saw the corpse to +admit of any mistake on this point. I may add here that it was at one +time proposed to disinter the original remains, but that project was +abandoned in deference to the wishes of Mr. Newbegin, who feels a +natural delicacy about having his first set of bones disturbed from +motives of mere curiosity." + + +AN INTERVIEW WITH A DEAD MAN + +"You will readily believe that I took occasion to see and converse with +John Newbegin. I found him affable and even communicative. He is +perfectly aware of his doubtful status as a being, but is in hopes that +at some future time there may be legislation that shall correctly define +his position and the position of any spirit who may follow him into the +material world. The only point upon which he is reticent is his +experience during the four years that elapsed between his death and his +reappearance at Pocock. It is to be presumed that the memory is not a +pleasant one: at least he never speaks of this period. He candidly +admits, however, that he is glad to get back to earth and that he +embraced the very first opportunity to be materialized. + +"Mr. Newbegin says that he is consumed with remorse for the wasted years +of his previous existence. Indeed, his conduct during the past three +months would show that this regret is genuine. He has discarded his +eccentric costume, and dresses like a reasonable spirit. He has not +touched liquor since his reappearance. He has embarked in the porgy oil +business, and his operations already rival that of Hodgeson, his old +partner in the _Mary Emmeline_ and the _Prettyboat_. By the way, +Newbegin threatens to sue Hodgeson for his individed quarter in each of +these vessels, and this interesting case therefore bids fair to be +thoroughly investigated in the courts. + +"As a business man, he is generally esteemed on the Island, although +there is a noticeable reluctance to discount his paper at long dates. In +short, Mr. John Newbegin is a most respectable citizen (if a dead man +can be a citizen) and has announced his intention of running for the +next Legislature!" + + +IN CONCLUSION + +"And now, my dear ----, I have told you the substance of all I know +respecting this strange, strange case. Yet, after all, why so strange? +We accepted materialization at Chittenden. Is this any more than the +logical issue of that admission? If the spirit may return to earth, +clothed in flesh and blood and all the physical attributes of humanity, +why may it not remain on earth as long as it sees fit? + +"Thinking of it from whatever standpoint, I cannot but regard John +Newbegin as the pioneer of a possibly large immigration from the spirit +world. The bars once down, a whole flock will come trooping back to +earth. Death will lose its significance altogether. And when I think of +the disturbance which will result in our social relations, of the +overthrow of all accepted institutions, and of the nullification of all +principles of political economy, law, and religion, I am lost in +perplexity and apprehension." + + + + +THE GHOST-SHIP + +BY RICHARD MIDDLETON + +From _The Ghost-Ship_ by Richard Middleton. Published by permission of +Mitchell Kennerley, and taken from the volume, _The Ghost-Ship and Other +Stories_. + + + + +The Ghost-Ship + +BY RICHARD MIDDLETON + + +Fairfield is a little village lying near the Portsmouth Road, about +halfway between London and the sea. Strangers, who now and then find it +by accident, call it a pretty, old-fashioned place; we who live in it +and call it home don't find anything very pretty about it, but we should +be sorry to live anywhere else. Our minds have taken the shape of the +inn and the church and the green, I suppose. At all events, we never +feel comfortable out of Fairfield. + +Of course the cockneys, with their vasty houses and noise-ridden +streets, can call us rustics if they choose; but for all that, Fairfield +is a better place to live in than London. Doctor says that when he goes +to London his mind is bruised with the weight of the houses, and he was +a cockney born. He had to live there himself when he was a little chap, +but he knows better now. You gentlemen may laugh--perhaps some of you +come from London-way, but it seems to me that a witness like that is +worth a gallon of arguments. + +Dull? Well, you might find it dull, but I assure you that I've listened +to all the London yarns you have spun to-night, and they're absolutely +nothing to the things that happen at Fairfield. It's because of our way +of thinking, and minding our own business. If one of your Londoners was +set down on the green of a Saturday night when the ghosts of the lads +who died in the war keep tryst with the lasses who lie in the +churchyard, he couldn't help being curious and interfering, and then the +ghosts would go somewhere where it was quieter. But we just let them +come and go and don't make any fuss, and in consequence Fairfield is the +ghostiest place in all England. Why, I've seen a headless man sitting on +the edge of the well in broad daylight, and the children playing about +his feet as if he were their father. Take my word for it, spirits know +when they are well off as much as human beings. + +Still, I must admit that the thing I'm going to tell you about was queer +even for our part of the world, where three packs of ghost-hounds hunt +regularly during the season, and blacksmith's great-grandfather is busy +all night shoeing the dead gentlemen's horses. Now that's a thing that +wouldn't happen in London, because of their interfering ways; but +blacksmith he lies up aloft and sleeps as quiet as a lamb. Once when he +had a bad head he shouted down to them not to make so much noise, and +in the morning he found an old guinea left on the anvil as an apology. +He wears it on his watch-chain now. But I must get on with my story; if +I start telling you about the queer happenings at Fairfield, I'll never +stop. + +It all came of the great storm in the spring of '97, the year that we +had two great storms. This was the first one, and I remember it well, +because I found in the morning that it had lifted the thatch of my +pigsty into the widow's garden as clean as a boy's kite. When I looked +over the hedge, widow--Tom Lamport's widow that was--was prodding for +her nasturtiums with a daisy grubber. After I had watched her for a +little I went down to the Fox and Grapes to tell landlord what she had +said to me. Landlord he laughed, being a married man and at ease with +the sex. "Come to that," he said, "the tempest has blowed something into +my field. A kind of a ship I think it would be." + +I was surprised at that until he explained that it was only a +ghost-ship, and would do no hurt to the turnips. We argued that it had +been blown up from the sea at Portsmouth, and then we talked of +something else. There were two slates down at the parsonage and a big +tree in Lumley's meadow. It was a rare storm. + +I reckon the wind had blown our ghosts all over England. They were +coming back for days afterward with foundered horses, and as footsore as +possible, and they were so glad to get back to Fairfield that some of +them walked up the street crying like little children. Squire said that +his great-grandfather's great-grandfather hadn't looked so dead-beat +since the battle of Naseby, and he's an educated man. + +What with one thing and another, I should think it was a week before we +got straight again, and then one afternoon I met the landlord on the +green, and he had a worried face. "I wish you'd come and have a look at +that ship in my field," he said to me. "It seems to me it's leaning real +hard on the turnips. I can't bear thinking what the missus will say when +she sees it." + +I walked down the lane with him, and, sure enough, there was a ship in +the middle of his field, but such a ship as no man had seen on the water +for three hundred years, let alone in the middle of a turnipfield. It +was all painted black, and covered with carvings, and there was a great +bay-window in the stern, for all the world like the squire's +drawing-room. There was a crowd of little black cannon on deck and +looking out of her port-holes, and she was anchored at each end to the +hard ground. I have seen the wonders of the world on picture-postcards, +but I have never seen anything to equal that. + +"She seems very solid for a ghost-ship," I said, seeing that landlord +was bothered. + +"I should say it's a betwixt and between," he answered, puzzling it +over; "but it's going to spoil a matter of fifty turnips, and missus +she'll want it moved." We went up to her and touched the side, and it +was as hard as a real ship. "Now, there's folks in England would call +that very curious," he said. + +Now, I don't know much about ships, but I should think that that +ghost-ship weighed a solid two hundred tons, and it seemed to me that +she had come to stay; so that I felt sorry for landlord, who was a +married man. "All the horses in Fairfield won't move her out of my +turnips," he said, frowning at her. + +Just then we heard a noise on her deck, and we looked up and saw that a +man had come out of her front cabin and was looking down at us very +peaceably. He was dressed in a black uniform set off with rusty gold +lace, and he had a great cutlass by his side in a brass sheath. "I'm +Captain Bartholomew Roberts," he said in a gentleman's voice, "put in +for recruits. I seem to have brought her rather far up the harbor." + +"Harbor!" cried landlord. "Why, you're fifty miles from the sea!" + +Captain Roberts didn't turn a hair. "So much as that, is it?" he said +coolly. "Well, it's of no consequence." + +Landlord was a bit upset at this. "I don't want to be unneighborly," he +said, "but I wish you hadn't brought your ship into my field. You see, +my wife sets great store on these turnips." + +The captain took a pinch of snuff out of a fine gold box that he pulled +out of his pocket, and dusted his fingers with a silk handkerchief in a +very genteel fashion. "I'm only here for a few months," he said, "but +if a testimony of my esteem would pacify your good lady, I should be +content," and with the words he loosed a great gold brooch from the neck +of his coat and tossed it down to landlord. + +Landlord blushed as red as a strawberry. "I'm not denying she's fond of +jewelry," he said; "but it's too much for half a sackful of turnips." +Indeed it was a handsome brooch. + +The captain laughed. "Tut, man!" he said, "it's a forced sale, and you +deserve a good price. Say no more about it," and nodding good day to us, +he turned on his heel and went into the cabin. Landlord walked back up +the lane like a man with a weight off his mind. "That tempest has blowed +me a bit of luck," he said; "the missus will be main pleased with that +brooch. It's better than blacksmith's guinea any day." + +'97 was Jubilee year--the year of the second Jubilee, you remember, and +we had great doings at Fairfield, so that we hadn't much time to bother +about the ghost-ship, though, anyhow, it isn't our way to meddle in +things that don't concern us. Landlord he saw his tenant once or twice +when he was hoeing his turnips, and passed the time of day and +landlord's wife wore her new brooch to church every Sunday. But we +didn't mix much with the ghosts at any time, all except an idiot lad +there was in the village, and he didn't know the difference between a +man and a ghost, poor innocent! On Jubilee day, however, somebody told +Captain Roberts why the church bells were ringing, and he hoisted a +flag and fired off his guns like a loyal Englishman. 'T is true the guns +were shotted, and one of the round shot knocked a hole in Farmer +Johnstone's barn, but nobody thought much of that in such a season of +rejoicing. + +It wasn't till our celebrations were over that we noticed that anything +was wrong in Fairfield. 'T was shoemaker who told me first about it one +morning at the Fox and Grapes. "You know my great-great-uncle?" he said +to me. + +"You mean Joshua, the quiet lad?" I answered, knowing him well. + +"Quiet!" said shoemaker, indignantly. "Quiet you call him, coming home +at three o'clock every morning as drunk as a magistrate and waking up +the whole house with his noise!" + +"Why, it can't be Joshua," I said, for I knew him for one of the most +respectable young ghosts in the village. + +"Joshua it is," said shoemaker; "and one of these nights he'll find +himself out in the street if he isn't careful." + +This kind of talk shocked me, I can tell you, for I don't like to hear a +man abusing his own family, and I could hardly believe that a steady +youngster like Joshua had taken to drink. But just then in came butcher +Aylwin in such a temper that he could hardly drink his beer. "The young +puppy! The young puppy!" he kept on saying, and it was some time before +shoemaker and I found out that he was talking about his ancestor that +fell at Senlac. + +"Drink?" said shoemaker, hopefully, for we all like company in our +misfortunes, and butcher nodded grimly. "The young noodle!" he said, +emptying his tankard. + +Well, after that I kept my ears open, and it was the same story all over +the village. There was hardly a young man among all the ghosts of +Fairfield who didn't roll home in the small hours of the morning the +worse for liquor. I used to wake up in the night and hear them stumble +past my house, singing outrageous songs. The worst of it was that we +couldn't keep the scandal to ourselves, and the folk at Greenhill began +to talk of "sodden Fairfield" and taught their children to sing a song +about us: + + Sodden Fairfield, sodden Fairfield, + Has no use for bread and butter, + Rum for breakfast, rum for dinner, + Rum for tea, and rum for supper! + +We are easy-going in our village, but we didn't like that. + +Of course we soon found out where the young fellows went to get the +drink, and landlord was terribly cut up that his tenant should have +turned out so badly; but his wife wouldn't hear of parting with the +brooch, so he couldn't give the captain notice to quit. But as time went +on, things grew from bad to worse, and at all hours of the day you +would see those young reprobates sleeping it off on the village green. +Nearly every afternoon a ghost-wagon used to jolt down to the ship with +a lading of rum, and though the older ghosts seemed inclined to give the +captain's hospitality the go-by, the youngsters were neither to hold nor +to bind. + +So one afternoon when I was taking my nap, I heard a knock at the door, +and there was parson, looking very serious, like a man with a job before +him that he didn't altogether relish. + +"I'm going down to talk to the captain about all this drunkenness in the +village, and I want you to come with me," he said straight out. + +I can't say that I fancied the visit much myself, and I tried to hint to +parson that as, after all, they were only a lot of ghosts, it didn't +much matter. + +"Dead or alive, I'm responsible for their good conduct," he said, "and +I'm going to do my duty and put a stop to this continued disorder. And +you are coming with me, John Simmons." + +So I went, parson being a persuasive kind of man. + +We went down to the ship, and as we approached her, I could see the +captain tasting the air on deck. When he saw parson, he took off his hat +very politely, and I can tell you that I was relieved to find that he +had a proper respect for the cloth. Parson acknowledged his salute, and +spoke out stoutly enough. + +"Sir, I should be glad to have a word with you." + +"Come on board, sir; come on board," said the captain, and I could tell +by his voice that he knew why we were there. + +Parson and I climbed up an uneasy kind of ladder, and the captain took +us into the great cabin at the back of the ship, where the bay-window +was. It was the most wonderful place you ever saw in your life, all full +of gold and silver plate, swords with jeweled scabbards, carved oak +chairs, and great chests that looked as though they were bursting with +guineas. Even parson was surprised, and he did not shake his head very +hard when the captain took down some silver cups and poured us out a +drink of rum. I tasted mine, and I don't mind saying that it changed my +view of things entirely. There was nothing betwixt and between about +that rum, and I felt that it was ridiculous to blame the lads for +drinking too much of stuff like that. It seemed to fill my veins with +honey and fire. + +Parson put the case squarely to the captain, but I didn't listen much to +what he said. I was busy sipping my drink and looking through the window +at the fishes swimming to and fro over landlord's turnips. Just then it +seemed the most natural thing in the world that they should be there, +though afterward, of course, I could see that that proved it was a +ghost-ship. + +But even then I thought it was queer when I saw a drowned sailor float +by in the thin air, with his hair and beard all full of bubbles. It was +the first time I had seen anything quite like that at Fairfield. + +All the time I was regarding the wonders of the deep, parson was telling +Captain Roberts how there was no peace or rest in the village owing to +the curse of drunkenness, and what a bad example the youngsters were +setting to the older ghosts. The captain listened very attentively, and +put in a word only now and then about boys being boys and young men +sowing their wild oats. But when parson had finished his speech, he +filled up our silver cups and said to parson with a flourish: + +"I should be sorry to cause trouble anywhere where I have been made +welcome, and you will be glad to hear that I put to sea to-morrow night. +And now you must drink me a prosperous voyage." + +So we all stood up and drank the toast with honor, and that noble rum +was like hot oil in my veins. + +After that, captain showed us some of the curiosities he had brought +back from foreign parts, and we were greatly amazed, though afterward I +couldn't clearly remember what they were. And then I found myself +walking across the turnips with parson, and I was telling him of the +glories of the deep that I had seen through the window of the ship. He +turned on me severely. + +"If I were you, John Simmons," he said, "I should go straight home to +bed." He has a way of putting things that wouldn't occur to an ordinary +man, has parson, and I did as he told me. + +Well, next day it came on to blow, and it blew harder and harder, till +about eight o'clock at night I heard a noise and looked out into the +garden. I dare say you won't believe me,--it seems a bit tall even to +me,--but the wind had lifted the thatch of my pigsty into the widow's +garden a second time. I thought I wouldn't wait to hear what widow had +to say about it, so I went across the green to the Fox and Grapes, and +the wind was so strong that I danced along on tiptoe like a girl at the +fair. When I got to the inn, landlord had to help me shut the door. It +seemed as though a dozen goats were pushing against it to come in out of +the storm. + +"It's a powerful tempest," he said, drawing the beer. "I hear there's a +chimney down at Dickory End." + +"It's a funny thing how these sailors know about the weather," I +answered. "When captain said he was going to-night, I was thinking it +would take a capful of wind to carry the ship back to sea; and now +here's more than a capful." + +"Ah, yes," said landlord; "it's to-night he goes true enough, and mind +you, though he treated me handsome over the rent, I'm not sure it's a +loss to the village. I don't hold with gentrice, who fetch their drink +from London instead of helping local traders to get their living." + +"But you haven't got any rum like his," I said, to draw him out. + +His neck grew red above his collar, and I was afraid I'd gone too far; +but after a while he got his breath with a grunt. + +"John Simmons," he said, "if you've come down here this windy night to +talk a lot of fool's talk, you've wasted a journey." + +Well, of course then I had to smooth him down with praising his rum, and +Heaven forgive me for swearing it was better than captain's. For the +like of that rum no living lips have tasted save mine and parson's. But +somehow or other I brought landlord round, and presently we must have a +glass of his best to prove its quality. + +"Beat that if you can," he cried, and we both raised our glasses to our +mouths, only to stop halfway and look at each other in amaze. For the +wind that had been howling outside like an outrageous dog had all of a +sudden turned as melodious as the carol-boys of a Christmas eve. + +"Surely that's not my Martha," whispered landlord, Martha being his +great-aunt who lived in the loft overhead. + +We went to the door, and the wind burst it open so that the handle was +driven clean into the plaster of the wall, but we didn't think about +that at the time; for over our heads, sailing very comfortably through +the windy stars, was the ship that had passed the summer in landlord's +field. Her port-holes and her bay-window were blazing with lights, and +there was a noise of singing and fiddling on her decks. "He's gone!" +shouted landlord above the storm, "and he's taken half the village with +him." I could only nod in answer, not having lungs like bellows of +leather. + +In the morning we were able to measure the strength of the storm, and +over and above my pigsty, there was damage enough wrought in the village +to keep us busy. True it is that the children had to break down no +branches for the firing that autumn, since the wind had strewn the woods +with more than they could carry away. Many of our ghosts were scattered +abroad, but this time very few came back, all the young men having +sailed with captain; and not only ghosts, for a poor half-witted lad was +missing, and we reckoned that he had stowed himself away or perhaps +shipped as cabin-boy, not knowing any better. + +What with the lamentations of the ghost girls and the grumblings of +families who had lost ancestors, the village was upset for a while, and +the funny thing was that it was the folk who had complained most of the +carryings-on of the youngsters who made most noise now that they were +gone. I hadn't any sympathy with shoemaker or butcher, who ran about +saying how much they missed their lads, but it made me grieve to hear +the poor bereaved girls calling their lovers by name on the village +green at nightfall. It didn't seem fair to me that they should have lost +their men a second time, after giving up life in order to join them, as +like as not. Still, not even a spirit can be sorry forever, and after a +few months we made up our mind that the folk who had sailed in the ship +were never coming back; and we didn't talk about it any more. + +And then one day, I dare say it would be a couple of years after, when +the whole business was quite forgotten, who should come trapesing along +the road from Portsmouth but the daft lad who had gone away with the +ship without waiting till he was dead to become a ghost. You never saw +such a boy as that in all your life. He had a great rusty cutlass +hanging to a string at his waist, and he was tattooed all over in fine +colors, so that even his face looked like a girl's sampler. He had a +handkerchief in his hand full of foreign shells and old-fashioned pieces +of small money, very curious, and he walked up to the well outside his +mother's house and drew himself a drink as if he had been nowhere in +particular. + +The worst of it was that he had come back as soft-headed as he went, and +try as we might, we couldn't get anything reasonable out of him. He +talked a lot of gibberish about keelhauling and walking the plank and +crimson murders--things which a decent sailor should know nothing about, +so that it seemed to me that for all his manners captain had been more +of a pirate than a gentleman mariner. But to draw sense out of that boy +was as hard as picking cherries off a crab-tree. One silly tale he had +that he kept on drifting back to, and to hear him you would have thought +that it was the only thing that happened to him in his life. + +"We was at anchor," he would say, "off an island called the Basket of +Flowers, and the sailors had caught a lot of parrots and we were +teaching them to swear. Up and down the decks, up and down the decks, +and the language they used was dreadful. Then we looked up and saw the +masts of the Spanish ship outside the harbor. Outside the harbor they +were, so we threw the parrots into the sea, and sailed out to fight. And +all the parrots were drowneded in the sea, and the language they used +was dreadful." + +That's the sort of boy he was--nothing but silly talk of parrots when we +asked him about the fighting. And we never had a chance of teaching him +better, for two days after he ran away again, and hasn't been seen +since. + +That's my story, and I assure you that things like that are happening at +Fairfield all the time. The ship has never come back, but somehow, as +people grow older, they seem to think that one of these windy nights +she'll come sailing in over the hedges with all the lost ghosts on +board. Well, when she comes, she'll be welcome. There's one ghost lass +that has never grown tired of waiting for her lad to return. Every night +you'll see her out on the green, straining her poor eyes with looking +for the mast-lights among the stars. A faithful lass you'd call her, and +I'm thinking you'd be right. + +Landlord's field wasn't a penny the worse for the visit; but they do say +that since then the turnips that have been grown in it have tasted of +rum. + + + + +THE TRANSPLANTED GHOST + +A CHRISTMAS STORY + +BY WALLACE IRWIN + +From _Everybody's Magazine_. By permission of _Everybody's_ and Wallace +Irwin. + + + + +The Transplanted Ghost + +A CHRISTMAS STORY + +BY WALLACE IRWIN + + +When Aunt Elizabeth asked me to spend Christmas with her at Seven Oaks +she appended a peculiar request to her letter. "Like a good fellow," she +wrote, "won't you drop off at Perkinsville, Ohio, on your way, and take +a look at Gauntmoor Castle? They say it's a wonderful old pile; and its +history is in many ways connected with that of our own family. As long +as you're the last of the Geoffray Pierreponts, such things ought to +interest you." Like her auburn namesake who bossed the Thames of yore, +sweet, red-haired, romantic autocrat, Aunt Elizabeth! Her wishes were +commands. + +"What the deuce is Aunt Elizabeth up to now?" I asked Tim Cole, my law +partner, whom I found in my rooms smoking my tobacco. "Why should I be +inspecting Gauntmoor Castle--and what is a castle named Gauntmoor doing +in Perkinsville, Ohio, anyway? Perkinsville sounds like the Middle West, +and Gauntmoor sounds like the Middle Ages." + +"Right in both analyses," said the pipe-poaching Tim. "Castle Gauntmoor +_is_ from the Middle Ages, and we all know about where in Ohio +Perkinsville is. But is it possible that you, twenty-seven years old and +a college graduate, haven't heard of Thaddeus Hobson, the Marvelous +Millionaire?" I shook my head. "The papers have been full of Hobson in +the past two or three years," said Tim. "It was in 1898, I think, that +Fate jumped Thaddeus Hobson to the golden Olympus. He was first head +salesman in the village hardware store, then he formulated so successful +a scheme to clean up the Tin Plate Combine that he put away a fabulous +number of millions in a year, and subsequently went to England. Finally +he set his heart on Norman architecture. After a search he found the +ancient Castle Gauntmoor still habitable and for sale. He thrilled the +British comic papers by his offer to buy the castle and move it to +America. Hobson saw the property, telegraphed to London, and closed the +deal in two hours. And an army of laborers at once began taking the +Gauntmoor to pieces, stone by stone. + +"Transporting that relic to America involved a cost in labor and +ingenuity comparable with nothing that has yet happened. Moving the +Great Pyramid would be a lighter job, perhaps. Thousands of tons of +scarred and medieval granite were carried to the railroads, freighted to +the sea, and dragged across the Atlantic in whopping big lighters +chartered for the job. And the next the newspapers knew, the monster +was set up in Perkinsville, Ohio." + +"But why did he do it?" I asked. + +"Who knows?" said Tim. "Ingrowing sentiment--unlimited capital--wanted +to do something for the Home Town, probably; wanted to beautify the +village that gave him his start--and didn't know how to go at it. Well, +so long!" he called out, as I seized my hat and streaked for the train. + + * * * * * + +It was dinner time when the train pulled in at Perkinsville. The town +was as undistinguished as I expected. I was too hungry to care about +castles at the moment, so I took the 'bus for the Commercial Hotel, an +establishment that seemed to live up to its name, both in sentiment and +in accommodation. The landlord, Mr. Spike, referred bitterly to the +castle, which, he explained, was, by its dominating presence, "spoilin' +the prosperous appearance of Perkinsville." Dinner over, he led me to a +side porch. + +"How does Perkinsville look with that--with that curio squattin' on top +of it?" asked Mr. Spike sternly, as he pointed over the local livery +stable, over Smith Brothers' Plow Works, over Odd Fellows' Hall, and up, +up to the bleak hills beyond, where, poised like a stony coronet on a +giant's brow, rose the great Norman towers and frowning buttresses of +Gauntmoor Castle. I rubbed my eyes. No, it _couldn't_ be real--it must +be a wizard's work! + +"What's old Hobson got out of it?" said Mr. Spike in my ear. "Nothin' +but an old stone barn, where he can set all day nursin' a grouch and +keepin' his daughter Anita--they do say he does--under lock and key for +fear somebody's goin' to marry her for her money." + +Mr. Spike looked up at the ramparts defiantly, even as the Saxon churl +must have gazed in an earlier, far sadder land. + +"It's romantic," I suggested. + +"Yes, _darn_ rheumatic," agreed Mr. Spike. + +"Is it open for visitors?" I asked innocently. + +"Hobson?" cackled Spike. "He'd no more welcome a stranger to that place +than he'd welcome--a ghost. He's a hol-ee terror, Hobson!" + +Mr. Spike turned away to referee a pool game down in the barroom. + +The fires of a December sunset flared behind Gauntmoor and cast the grim +shadows of Medievalism over Mediocrity, which lay below. Presently the +light faded, and I grew tired of gazing. Since Hobson would permit no +tourists to inspect his castle, why was I here on this foolish trip? +Already I was planning to wire Aunt Elizabeth a sarcastic reference to +being marooned at Christmas with a castle on my hands, when a voice at +my shoulder said suddenly: + +"Mr. Hobson sends his compliments, sir, and wants to know would Mr. +Pierrepont come up to Gauntmoor for the night?" + +A groom in a plum-colored livery stood at my elbow. A light station +wagon was waiting just outside. How the deuce did Hobson know my name? +What did he want of me at Gauntmoor this time of night? Yet prospects of +bed and breakfast away from the Commercial lured me strangely. + +"Sure, Mr. Pierrepont will be delighted," I announced, leaping into the +vehicle, and soon we were mounting upward, battling with the winds +around the time-scarred walls. The wagon stopped at the great gate. A +horn sounded from within, the gate swung open, a drawbridge fell with a +hideous creaking of machinery, and we passed in, twenty or thirty feet +above the snow-drifted moat. Beyond the portcullis a dim door swung +open. Some sort of seneschal met us with a light and led us below the +twilight arches, where beyond, I could catch glimpses of the baileys and +courts and the donjon tower against the heavy ramparts. + +The wind hooted through the high galleries as we passed; but the west +wing, from its many windows and loopholes, blazed with cheerful yellow +light. It looked nearly cozy. Into a tall, gaunt tower we plunged, down +a winding staircase, and suddenly we came into a vast hall, stately with +tapestries and innumerable monkish carvings--and all brightly lighted +with electricity! + +A little fat man sat smoking in a chair near the fire. When I entered he +was in his shirt sleeves, reading a newspaper, but when a footman +announced my name the little man, in a state of great nervousness, +jumped to his feet and threw on a coat, fidgeting painfully with the +armholes. As he came toward me, I noticed that he was perfectly bald. He +looked dyspeptic and discontented, like a practical man trying vainly to +adjust his busy habits to a lazy life. Obviously he didn't go with the +rest of the furniture. + +"Pleased to see you, Mr. Pierrepont," he said, looking me over carefully +as if he thought of buying me. "Geoffray Pierrepont--tut, tut!--ain't it +queer!" + +"Queer!" I said rather peevishly. "What's queer about it?" + +"Excuse me, did I say queer? I didn't mean to be impolite, sir--I was +just thinking, that's all." + +You could hear the demon Army of the Winds scaling the walls outside. + +"Maybe you thought it kind of abrupt, Mr. Pierrepont, me asking you up +here so unceremonious," he said. "My daughter Annie, she tells me I +ought to live up to the looks of the place; but I've got my notions. To +tell you the truth, I'm in an awful quandary about this Antique Castle +business and when I heard you was at the hotel, I thought you might help +me out some way. You see you----" + +He led me to a chair and offered me a fat cigar. + +"Young man," he said, "when you get your head above water and make good +in the world--if you ever do--don't fool with curios, don't monkey with +antiques. Keep away from castles. They're like everything else sold by +curio dealers--all humbug. Look nice, yes. But get 'em over to America +and they either fall to pieces or the paint comes off. Whether it's a +chair or a castle--same old story. The sly scalawags that sell you the +goods won't live up to their contracts." + +"Hasn't Gauntmoor all the ancient inconveniences a Robber Baron could +wish?" I asked. + +"It ain't," announced Mr. Hobson. "Though it looks all right to a +stranger, perhaps. There may be castles in the Old World got it on +Gauntmoor for size--thank God I didn't buy 'em!--but for looks you can't +beat Gauntmoor." + +"Comfortable?" I asked. + +"Can't complain. Modern plumbed throughout. Hard to heat, but I put an +electric-light plant in the cellar. Daughter Annie's got a Colonial +suite in the North Tower." + +"Well," I suggested, "if there's anything the castle lacks, you can buy +it." + +"There's one thing money _can't_ buy," said Mr. Hobson, leaning very +close and speaking in a sibilant whisper. "And that's ghosts!" + +"But who wants ghosts?" I inquired. + +"Now look here," said Mr. Hobson. "I'm a business man. When I bought +Gauntmoor, the London scalawags that sold it to me gave me distinctly to +understand that this was a Haunted Castle. They showed me a haunted +chamber, showed me the haunted wall where the ghost walks, guaranteed +the place to be the Spook Headquarters of the British Isles--and see +what I got!" He snapped his fingers in disgust. + +"No results?" + +"Results? Stung! I've slept in that haunted room upstairs for a solid +year. I've gazed night after night over the haunted rampart. I've even +hired spiritualists to come and cut their didoes in the towers and +donjon keep. No use. You can't get ghosts where they ain't." + +I expressed my sympathy. + +"I'm a plain man," said Hobson. "I ain't got any ancestors back of +father, who was a blacksmith, and a good one, when sober. Somebody +else's ancestors is what I looked for in this place--and I've got 'em, +too, carved in wood and stone in the chapel out back of the tower. But +statues and carvings ain't like ghosts to add tone to an ancient +lineage." + +"Is there any legend?" I asked. + +"Haven't you heard it?" he exclaimed, looking at me sharply out of his +small gray eyes. "It seems, 'way back in the sixteenth century, there +was a harum-scarum young feller living in a neighboring castle, and he +took an awful shine to Lady Katherine, daughter of the Earl of Cummyngs, +who was boss of this place at that time. Now the young man who loved +Miss--I mean Lady--Katherine was a sort of wild proposition. Old man +wouldn't have him around the place; but young man kept hanging on till +Earl ordered him off. Finally the old gent locked Lady Kitty in the +donjon tower," said Mr. Hobson. + +"Too much shilly-shallying in _this_ generation," he went on. "Every +house that's got a pretty girl ought to have a donjon keep. I've got +both." He paused and wiped his brow. + +"This fresh young kid I'm telling you about, he thought he knew more +than the old folks, so he got a rope ladder and climbed up the masonry +one night, intending to bust into the tower where the girl was. But just +as he got half across the wall--out yonder--his foot slipped and he +broke his neck in the moat below. Consequence, Lady Kitty goes crazy and +old Earl found dead a week later in his room. It was Christmas Eve when +the boy was killed. That's the night his ghost's supposed to walk along +the ramparts, give a shriek, and drop off--but the irritating thing +about it all is, it don't ever happen." + +"And now, Mr. Hobson," I said, throwing away the butt of my cigar, "why +am _I_ here? What have _I_ got to do with all this ghost business?" + +"I _want_ you to stay," said Hobson, beseechingly. "To-morrow night's +Christmas Eve. I've figured it out that your influence, somehow, you +being of the same blood, as it were, might encourage the ghost to come +out and save the reputation of the castle." + +A servant brought candles, and Hobson turned to retire. + +"The same blood!" I shouted after him. "What on earth is the _name_ of +the ghost?" + +"When he was alive his name was--Sir Geoffray de Pierrepont," said +Thaddeus Hobson, his figure fading into the dimness beyond. + +I followed the servant with the candle aloft through chill and carven +corridors, through galleries lined with faded portraits of forgotten +lords. "Wheels!" I kept saying to myself. "The old man evidently thinks +it takes a live Pierrepont to coax a dead one," and I laughed nervously +as I entered the vast brown bedroom. I had to get on a chair in order to +climb into the four-poster, a cheerful affair that looked like a royal +funeral barge. At my head I noticed a carved device, seven mailed hands +snatching at a sword with the motto: "CAVE ADSUM!" + +"Beware, I am here!" I translated. Who was here? Ghosts? Fudge! What +hideous scenes had this chamber beheld of yore? What might not happen +here now? Where, by the way, was old Hobson's daughter, Anita? Might not +anything be possible? I covered my head with the bedclothes. + + * * * * * + +Next morning being mild and bright for December, and Thaddeus Hobson and +his mysterious daughter not having showed up for breakfast, I amused +myself by inspecting the exterior of the castle. In daylight I could see +that Gauntmoor, as now restored, consisted of only a portion of the +original structure. On the west side, near a sheer fall of forty or +fifty feet, stood the donjon tower, a fine piece of medieval barbarism +with a peaked roof. And, sure enough! I saw it all now. Running along +the entire west side of the castle was a wonderful wall, stretching +above the moat to a dizzy height. It was no difficult matter to mount +this wall from the courtyard, above which it rose no more than eight or +ten feet. I ascended by a rude sentry's staircase, and once on top I +gazed upward at the tall medieval prison-place, which reared above me +like a clumsy stone chimney. Just as I stood, at the top of the wall, I +was ten or twelve feet below the lowest window of the donjon tower. +This, then, was the wall that the ancient Pierrepont had scaled, and +yonder was the donjon window that he had planned to plunder on that +fatal night so long ago. And this was where Pierrepont the Ghost was +supposed to appear! + +How the lover of spectral memory had managed to scale that wall from the +outside, I could not quite make out. But once _on_ the wall, it was no +trick to snatch the damsel from her durance vile. Just drop a long rope +ladder from the wall to the moat, then crawl along the narrow ledge--got +to be careful with a job like that--then up to the window of the donjon +keep, and away with the Lady Fair. Why, that window above the ramparts +would be an easy climb for a fellow with strong arms and a little nerve, +as the face of the tower from the wall to the window was studded with +ancient spikes and the projecting ends of beams. + +I counted the feet, one, two, three--and as I looked up at the window, +a small, white hand reached out and a pink slip of paper dropped at my +feet. It read: + +DEAR SIR: I'm Miss Hobson. I'm locked in the donjon tower. Father always +locks me here when there's a young man about. It's a horrid, +uncomfortable place. Won't you hurry and go? + +Yours respectfully, + +A. HOBSON. + +I knew it was easy. I swung myself aloft on the spikes and stones +leading to the donjon window. When I was high enough I gazed in, my chin +about even with the sill. And there I saw the prettiest girl I ever +beheld, gazing down at a book tranquilly, as though gentlemanly rescuers +were common as toads around that tower. She wore something soft and +golden; her hair was night-black, and her eyes were that peculiar shade +of gray that--but what's the use? + +"Pardon," I said, holding on with my right hand, lifting my hat with my +left. "Pardon, am I addressing Miss Annie Hobson?" + +"You are not," she replied, only half looking up. "You are addressing +Miss Anita Hobson. Calling me Annie is another little habit father ought +to break himself of." She went on reading. + +"Is that a very interesting book?" I asked, because I didn't like to go +without saying something more. + +"It isn't!" She arose suddenly and hurled the book into a corner. "It's +Anthony Hope--and if there's anything I hate it's him. Father always +gives me _Prisoner of Zenda_ and _Ivanhoe_ to read when he locks me into +this donjon. Says I ought to read up on the situation. Do you think so?" + +"There are some other books in the library," I suggested. "Bernard Shaw +and Kipling, you know. I'll run over and get you one." + +"That's fine--but no!" she besought, reaching out her hand to detain me. +"No, don't go! If you went away you'd never come back. They never do." + +"Who never do?" + +"The young men. The very instant father sees one coming he pops me in +the tower and turns the key. You see," she explained, "when I was in +Italy I was engaged to a duke--he was a silly little thing and I was +glad when he turned out bogus. But father took the deception awfully to +heart and swore I should never be married for my money. Yet I don't see +what else a young girl can expect," she added quite simply. + +I could have mentioned several hundred things. + +"He has no right!" I said sternly. "It's barbarous for him to treat a +girl that way--especially his daughter." + +"Hush!" she said. "Dad's a good sort. But you can't measure him by other +people's standards. And yet--oh, it's maddening, this life! Day after +day--loneliness. Nothing but stone walls and rusty armor and books. +We're rich, but what do we get out of it? I have nobody of my own age +to talk to. How the years are passing! After a while--I'll be--an old +maid. I'm twenty-one now!" I heard a sob. Her pretty head was bowed in +her hands. + +Desperately I seized the bars of the window and miraculously they +parted. I leaned across the sill and drew her hands gently down. + +"Listen to me," I said. "If I break in and steal you away from this, +will you go?" + +"Go?" she said. "Where?" + +"My aunt lives at Seven Oaks, less than an hour from here by train. You +can stay there till your father comes to his reason." + +"It's quite like father _never_ to come to his reason," she reflected. +"Then I should have to be self-supporting. Of course, I should +appreciate employment in a candy shop--I think I know all the principal +kinds." + +"Will you go?" I asked. + +"Yes," she replied simply, "I'll go. But how can I get away from here?" + +"To-night," I said, "is Christmas Eve, when Pierrepont the Ghost is +supposed to walk along the wall--right under this window. You don't +believe that fairy story, do you?" + +"No." + +"Neither do I. But can't you see? The haunted wall begins at my window +on one end of the castle and ends at your window on the other. The bars +of your cell, I see, are nearly all loose." + +"Yes," she laughed, "I pried them out with a pair of scissors." + +I could hear Hobson's voice across the court giving orders to servants. + +"Your father's coming. Remember to-night," I whispered. + +"Midnight," she said softly, smiling out at me. I could have faced +flocks and flocks of dragons for her at that moment. The old man was +coming nearer. I swung to the ground and escaped into a ruined court. + +Well, the hours that followed were anxious and busy for me. I worked in +the glamour of romance like a soldier about to do some particularly +brave and foolish thing. From the window of my room I looked down on the +narrow, giddy wall below. It _was_ a brave and foolish thing. Among the +rubbish in an old armory I found a coil of stout rope, forty or fifty +feet of it. This I smuggled away. From a remote hall I borrowed a +Crusader's helmet and spent the balance of the afternoon in my room +practicing with a sheet across my shoulders, shroud-fashion. + +We dined grandly at eight, the old man and I. He drank thirstily and +chatted about the ghost, as you might discuss the chances in a coming +athletic event. After what seemed an age he looked at his watch and +cried: "Whillikens! Eleven o'clock already! Well, I'll be going up to +watch from the haunted room. I think, Jeff, that you'll bring me luck +to-night." + +"I am sure I shall!" I answered sardonically, as he departed. + +Three quarters of an hour later, wearing the Crusader's helmet and +swathed in a bedsheet, I let myself down from the window to the haunted +wall below. It was moonlight, bitter cold as I crouched on the wall, +waiting for the stroke of twelve, when I should act the spook and walk +along that precarious ledge to rescue Anita. + +The "haunted wall," I observed from where I stood, was shaped like an +irregular crescent, being in plain view of Hobson's "haunted room" at +the middle, but not so at its north and south ends, where my chamber and +Anita's tower were respectively situated. I pulled out my watch from +under my winding-sheet. Three minutes of twelve. I drew down the vizor +of my helmet and gathered up my cerements preparatory to walking the +hundred feet of wall which would bring me in sight of the haunted room +where old Hobson kept his vigil. Two minutes, one minute I waited, +when--I suddenly realized I was not alone. + +A man wearing a long cloak and a feather in his cap was coming toward me +along the moonlit masonry. Aha! So I was not the only masquerading swain +calling on the captive princess in the prison tower. A jealous pang shot +through me as I realized this. + +The man was within twenty feet of me, when I noticed something. He was +not walking on the wall. _He was walking on air, three or four feet +above the wall._ Nearer and nearer came the man--the Thing--now into +the light of the moon, whose beams seemed to strike through his misty +tissue like the thrust of a sword. I was horribly scared. My knees +loosened under me, and I clutched the vines at my back to save me from +falling into the moat below. Now I could see his face, and somehow fear +seemed to leave me. His expression was so young and human. + +"Ghost of the Pierrepont," I thought, "whether you walk in shadow or in +light, you lived among a race of Men!" + +His noble, pallid face seemed to burn with its own pale light, but his +eyes were in darkness. He was now within two yards of me. I could see +the dagger at his belt. I could see the gory cut on his forehead. I +attempted to speak, but my voice creaked like a rusty hinge. He neither +heeded nor saw me; and when he came to the spot where I stood, he did +not turn out for me. He walked _through_ me! And when next I saw him he +was a few feet beyond me, standing in mid-air over the moat and gazing +up at the high towers like one revisiting old scenes. Again he floated +toward me and poised on the wall four feet from where I stood. + +"What do you here to-night?" suddenly spoke, or seemed to speak, a voice +that was like the echo of a silence. + +No answer came from my frozen tongue. Yet I would gladly have spoken, +because somehow I felt a great sympathy for this boyish spirit. + +"It has been many earth-years," he said, "since I have walked these +towers. And ah, cousin, it has been many miles that I have been called +to-night to answer the summons of my race. And this fortress--what power +has moved it overseas to this mad kingdom? Magic!" + +His eyes seemed suddenly to blaze through the shadows. + +"Cousin," he again spoke, "it is to you that I come from my far-off +English tomb. It was your need called me. It is no pious deed brings you +to this wall to-night. You are planning to pillage these towers +unworthily, even as I did yesterday. Death was my portion, and broken +hearts to the father I wronged and the girl I sought." + +"But it is the father wrongs the girl here," I heard myself saying. + +"He who rules these towers to-day is of stern mind but loving heart," +said the ghost. "Patience. By the Star that redeems the world, love +should not be won _to-night_ by stealth, but by--love." + +He raised his hands toward the tower, his countenance radiant with an +undying passion. + +"_She_ called to me and died," he said, "and her little ghost comes not +to earth again for any winter moon or any summer wind." + +"But you--you come often?" my voice was saying. + +"No," said the ghost, "only on Christmas Eve. Yule is the tide of +specters; for then the thoughts of the world are so beautiful that they +enter our dreams and call us back." + +He turned to go, and a boyish, friendly smile rested a moment on his +pale face. + +"Farewell, Sir Geoffray de Pierrepont," he called to me. + +Into the misty moonlight the ghost floated to that portion of the wall +directly opposite the haunted room. From where I stood I could not see +this chamber. After a moment I shook my numb senses to life. My first +instinct was one of strong human curiosity, which impelled me to follow +far enough to see the effect of the apparition on old Hobson, who must +be watching at the window. + +I tiptoed a hundred feet along the wall and peered around a turret up to +a room above, where Hobson's head could easily be seen in a patch of +light. The ghost, at that moment, was walking just below, and the effect +on the old man, appalling though it was, was ludicrous as well. He was +leaning far out of the window, his mouth wide open; and the entire disk +of his fat, hairless head was as pallid as the moon itself. The specter, +who was now rounding the curve of the wall near the tower, swerved +suddenly, and as suddenly seemed to totter headlong into the abyss +below. As he dropped, a wild laugh broke through the frosty air. It +wasn't from the ghost. It came from above--yes, it emanated from +Thaddeus Hobson, who had, apparently, fallen back, leaving the window +empty. Lights began breaking out all over the castle. In another moment +I should be caught in my foolish disguise. With the courage of a coward, +I turned and ran full tilt along the dizzy ledge and back to my window, +where I lost no seconds scrambling up the rope that led to my room. + +With all possible haste I threw aside my sheet and helmet and started +downstairs. I had just wrestled with a ghost; I would now have it out +with the old man. The castle seemed ablaze below. I saw the flash of a +light skirt in the picture gallery, and Anita, pale as the vision I had +so lately beheld, came running toward me. + +"Father--saw it!" she panted. "He had some sort of sinking spell--he's +better now--isn't it awful!" She clung to me, sobbing hysterically. + +Before I realized what I had done, I was holding her close in my arms. + +"Don't!" I cried. "It was a good ghost--he had a finer spirit than mine. +He came to-night for you, dear, and for me. It was a foolish thing we +planned." + +"Yes, but I wanted, I wanted to go!" she sobbed now crying frankly on my +shoulder. + +"You _are_ going with me," I said fiercely, raising her head. "But not +over any ghost-ridden breakneck wall. We're going this time through the +big front door of this old castle, American fashion, and there'll be an +automobile waiting outside and a parson at the other end of the line." + +We found Thaddeus Hobson alone, in the vast hall looking blankly at the +fire. + +"Jeff," he said solemnly, "you sure brought me luck to-night if you can +call it such being scared into a human icicle. Br-r-r! Shall I ever get +the cold out of my backbone? But somehow, somehow that foggy feller +outside sort of changed my look on things. It made me feel _kinder_ +toward living folks. Ain't it strange!" + +"Mr. Hobson," I said, "I think the ghost has made us _all_ see things +differently. In a word, sir, I have a confession to make--if you don't +mind." + +And I told him briefly of my accidental meeting with Anita in the +donjon, of the practical joke we planned, of our sudden meeting with the +_real_ ghost on the ramparts. Mr. Hobson listened, his face growing +redder and redder. At the finish of my story he suddenly leaped to his +feet and brought his fist down on the table with a bang. + +"Well, you little devils!" he said admiringly, and burst into loud +laughter. "You're a spunky lad, Jeff. And there ain't any doubt that the +de Pierreponts are as good stuff as you can get in the ancestry +business. The Christmas supper is spread in the banquet hall. Come, de +Pierrepont, will you sup with the old Earl?" + + * * * * * + +The huge oaken banquet hall, lined with rich hangings, shrunk us to +dwarfs by its vastness. Golden goblets were at each place. A butler, +dressed in antique livery, threw a red cloak over Hobson's fat +shoulders. It was a whim of the old man's. + +As we took our places, I noticed the table was set for four. + +"Whose is the extra place?" I asked. + +The old man at first made no reply. At last he turned to me earnestly +and said: "Do you believe in ghosts?" + +"No," I replied. "Yet how else can I explain that vision I saw on the +ramparts?" + +"Is the fourth place for him?" Anita almost whispered. + +The old man nodded mutely and raised a golden goblet. + +"To the Transplanted Ghost!" I said. It was an empty goblet that I +touched to my lips. + + + + +THE LAST GHOST IN HARMONY + +BY NELSON LLOYD + +From _Scribner's Magazine_. Copyright, 1907, by Charles Scribner's Sons. +By permission of the publishers and Nelson Lloyd. + + + + +The Last Ghost in Harmony + +BY NELSON LLOYD + + +From his perch on the blacksmith's anvil he spoke between the puffs of +his post-prandial pipe. The fire in the forge was out and the day was +going slowly, through the open door of the shop and the narrow windows, +westward to the mountains. In the advancing shadow, on the pile of +broken wheels on the work-bench, on keg and barrel, they sat puffing +their post-prandial pipes and listening. + + * * * * * + +For a partner in business I want a truthful man, but for a companion +give me one with imagination. To my mind imagination is the spice of +life. There is nothing so uninteresting as a fact, for when you know it +that is the end of it. When life becomes nothing but facts it won't be +worth living; yet in a few years the race will have no imagination left. +It is being educated out. Look at the children. When I was young the +bogey man was as real to me as pa and nearly as much to be feared of, +but just yesterday I was lectured for merely mentioning him to my neffy. +So with ghosts. We was taught to believe in ghosts the same as we was in +Adam or Noar. Nowadays nobody believes in them. It is unscientific, and +if you are superstitious you are considered ignorant and laughed at. +Ghosts are the product of the imagination, but if I imagine I see one he +is as real to me as if he actually exists, isn't he? Therefore he does +exist. That's logic. You fellows have become scientific and admits only +what you see and feel, and don't depend on your imagination for +anything. Such being the case, I myself admit that the sperrits no +longer ha'nt the burying-ground or play around your houses. I admit it +because the same condition exact existed in Harmony when I was there, +and because of what was told me by Robert J. Dinkle about two years +after he died, and because of what occurred between me and him and the +Rev. Mr. Spiegelnail. + +Harmony was a highly intellectual town. About the last man there with +any imagination or interesting ideas, excepting me, of course, was +Robert J. Dinkle. Yet he had an awful reputation, and when he died it +was generally stated privately that the last landmark of ignorance and +superstition had been providentially removed. You know he had always +been seeing things, but we set it down to his fondness for hard cider or +his natural prepensity for joshing. With him gone there was no one left +to report the doings of the sperrit-world. In fact, so widespread was +the light of reason, as the Rev. Mr. Spiegelnail called it, that the +burying-ground became a popular place for moonlight strolls. Even I +walked through it frequent on my way home from Miss Wheedle's, with +whom I was keeping company, and it never occurred to me to go any faster +there, or to look back over my shoulder, for I didn't believe in such +foolishness. But to the most intellectual there comes times of doubt +about things they know nothing of nor understand. Such a time come to +me, when the wind was more mournfuller than usual in the trees, and the +clouds scudded along overhead, casting peculiar shadders. My imagination +got the best of my intellect. I hurried. I looked back over my shoulder. +I shivered, kind of. Natural I see nothing in the burying-ground, yet at +the end of town I was still uneasy-like, though half laughing at myself. +It was so quiet; not a light burned anywhere, and the square seemed +lonelier than the cemetery, and the store was so deserted, so ghostly in +the moonlight, that I just couldn't keep from peering around at it. + +Then, from the empty porch, from the empty bench--empty, I swear, for I +could see plain, so clear was the night--from absolute nothing come as +pleasant a voice as ever I hear. + +"Hello!" it says. + +My blood turned icy-like and the chills waved up and down all through +me. I couldn't move. + +The voice came again, so natural, so familiar, that I warmed some, and +rubbed my eyes and stared. + +There, sitting on the bench, in his favorite place, was the late Robert +J. Dinkle, gleaming in the moonlight, the front door showing right +through him. + +"I must appear pretty distinct," he says in a proud-like way. "Can't you +see me very plain?" + +See him plain! I should think so. Even the patches on his coat was +visible, and only for the building behind him, he never looked more +natural, and hearing him so pleasant, set me thinking. This, says I, is +the sperrit of the late Robert J. Dinkle. In life he never did me any +harm and in his present misty condition is likely to do less; if he is +looking for trouble I'm not afraid of a bit of fog. Such being the case, +I says, I shall address him as soon as I am able. + +But Robert got tired waiting, and spoke again in an anxious tone, a +little louder, and ruther complaining, "Don't I show up good?" says he. + +"I never see you looking better," I answered, for my voice had came +back, and the chills were quieter, and I was fairly ca'm and dared even +to move a little nearer. + +A bright smile showed on his pale face. "It is a relief to be seen at +last," he cried, most cheerful. "For years I've been trying to do a +little ha'nting around here, and no one would notice me. I used to think +mebbe my material was too delicate and gauzy, but I've conceded that, +after all, the stuff is not to blame." + +He heaved a sigh so natural that I forgot all about his being a ghost. +Indeed, taken all in all, I see that he had improved, was solemner, had +a sweeter expression and wasn't likely to give in to his old prepensity +for joshing. + +"Set down and we will talk it over," he went on most winning. "Really, I +can't do any harm, but please be a little afraid and then I will show up +distincter. I must be getting dim now." + +"You are," says I, for though I was on the porch edging nearer him most +bold, I could hardly see him. + +Without any warning he gave an awful groan that brought the chills +waving back most violent. I jumped and stared, and as I stared he stood +out plainer and solider in the moonlight. + +"That's better," he said with a jolly chuckle; "now you do believe in +me, don't you? Well, set there nervous-like, on the edge of the bench +and don't be too ca'm-like, or I'll disappear." + +The ghost's orders were followed explicit. But with him setting there so +natural and pleasant it was hard to be frightened and more than once I +forgot. He, seeing me peering like my eyesight was bad, would give a +groan that made my blood curdle. Up he would flare again, gleaming in +the moonlight full and strong. + +"Harmony's getting too scientific, too intellectual," he said, speaking +very melancholic. "What can't be explained by arithmetic or geography is +put down as impossible. Even the preachers encourage such idees and talk +about Adam and Eve being allegories. As a result, the graveyard has +become the slowest place in town. You simply can't ha'nt anything +around here. A man hears a groan in his room and he gets up and closes +the shutters tighter, or throws a shoe at a rat, or swears at the wind +in the chimney. A few sperrits were hanging around when I was first +dead, but they were complaining very bad about the hard times. There +used to be plenty of good society in the burying-ground, they said, but +one by one they had to quit. All the old Berrys had left. Mr. Whoople +retired when he was taken for a white mule. Mrs. Morris A. Klump, who +once oppyrated 'round the deserted house beyond the mill had gave up in +disgust just a week before my arrival. I tried to encourage the few +remaining, explained how the sperritualists were working down the valley +and would strike town any time, but they had lost all hope--kept fading +away till only me was left. If things don't turn for the better soon I +must go, too. It's awful discouraging. And lonely! Why folks ramble +around the graves like even I wasn't there. Just last night my boy Ossy +came strolling along with the lady he is keeping company with, and where +do you s'pose they set down to rest, and look at the moon and talk about +the silliest subjecks? Right on my headstone! I stood in front of them +and did the ghostliest things till I was clean tired out and +discouraged. They just would not pay the least attention." + +The poor old ghost almost broke down and cried. Never in life had I +known him so much affected, and it went right to my heart to see him +wiping his eyes with his handkercher and snuffling. + +"Mebbe you don't make enough noise when you ha'nt," says I most +sympathetic. + +"I do all the regular acts," says he, a bit het up by my remark. "We +always were kind of limited. I float around and groan, and talk foolish, +and sometimes I pull off bedclothes or reveal the hiding-place of buried +treasure. But what good does it do in a town so intellectual as +Harmony?" + +I have seen many folks who were down on their luck, but never one who so +appealed to me as the late Robert J. Dinkle. It was the way he spoke, +the way he looked, his general patheticness, his very helplessness, and +deservingness. In life I had known him well, and as he was now I liked +him better. So I did want to do something for him. We sat studying for a +long time, him smoking very violent, blowing clouds of fog outen his +pipe, me thinking up some way to help him. And idees allus comes to them +who sets and waits. + +"The trouble is partly as you say, Robert," I allowed after a bit, "and +again partly because you can't make enough noise to awaken the +slumbering imagination of intellectual Harmony. With a little natural +help from me though, you might stir things up in this town." + +You never saw a gladder smile or a more gratefuller look than that poor +sperrit gave me. + +"Ah," he says, "with your help I could do wonders. Now who'll we begin +on?" + +"The Rev. Mr. Spiegelnail," says I, "has about all the imagination left +in Harmony--of course excepting me." + +Robert's face fell visible. "I have tried him repeated and often," he +says, kind of argumentative-like. "All the sign he made was to complain +that his wife talked in her sleep." + +I wasn't going to argue--not me. I was all for action, and lost no time +in starting. Robert J., he followed me like a dog, up through town to +our house, where I went in, leaving him outside so as not to disturb +mother. There I got me a hammer and nails with the heavy lead sinker +offen my fishnet, and it wasn't long before the finest tick-tack you +ever saw was working against the Spiegelnails' parlor window, with me in +a lilac-bush operating the string that kept the weight a-swinging. +Before the house was an open spot where the moon shone full and clear, +where Robert J. walked up and down, about two feet off the ground, +waving his arms slow-like and making the melancholiest groans. Now I +have been to _Uncle Tom's Cabin_ frequent, but in all my life I never +see such acting. Yet what was the consequences? Up went the window +above, and the Rev. Mr. Spiegelnail showed out plain in the moonlight. + +"Who is there?" he called very stern. You had otter see Robert then. It +was like tonic to him. He rose up higher and began to beat his arms most +violent and to gurgle tremendous. But the preacher never budged. + +"You boys otter be ashamed of yourselves," he says in a severe voice. + +"Louder, louder," I calls to Robert J., in answering which he began the +most awful contortions. + +"You can hear me perfectly plain," says the dominie, now kind of +sad-like. "It fills my old heart with sorrow to see that yous all have +gone so far astray." + +Hearing that, so calm, so distinct, so defiant, made Robert J. stop +short and stare. To remind him I gave the weight an extra thump, and it +was so loud as to bring forth Mrs. Spiegelnail, her head showing plain +as she peered out over the preacher's shoulder. The poor discouraged +ghost took heart, striking his tragicest attitude, one which he told me +afterwards was his pride and had been got out of a book. But what was +the result? + +"Does you hear anyone in the bushes, dear?" inquires Mr. Spiegelnail, +cocking his ears and listening. + +"It must be Ossy Dinkle and them bad friends of his," says she, in her +sour tone. + +Poor Robert! Hearing that, he about gave up hope. + +"Don't I show up good?" he asks in an anxious voice. + +"I can see you distinct," says I, very sharp. "You never looked better." + +Down went the window--so sudden, so unexpected that I did not know what +to make of it. Robert J. thought he did, and over me he came floating, +most delighted. + +"I must have worked," he said, laughing like he'd die, a-doubling up and +holding his sides to keep from splitting. "At last I have showed up +distinct; at last I am of some use in the world. You don't realize what +a pleasure it is to know that you are fulfilling your mission and living +up to your reputation." + +Poor old ghost! He was for talking it all over then and there and +settled down on a soft bunch of lilacs, and fell to smoking fog and +chattering. It did me good to see him so happy and I was inclined to +puff up a bit at my own success in the ha'nting line. But it was not for +long. The rattle of keys warned us. The front door flew open and out +bounded the Rev. Mr. Spiegelnail, clearing the steps with a jump, and +flying over the lawn. All thought of the late Robert J. Dinkle left me +then, for I had only a few feet start of my pastor. You see I shouldn't +a-hurried so only I sung bass in the choir and I doubt if I could have +convinced him that I was working in the interests of Science and Truth. +Fleeing was instinct. Gates didn't matter. They were took on the wing, +and down the street I went with the preacher's hot breath on my neck. +But I beat him. He tired after the first spurt and was soon left behind, +so I could double back home to bed. + +Robert, he was for giving up entirely. + +"I simply won't work," says he to me, when I met him on the store porch +that next night. "A hundred years ago such a bit of ha'nting would have +caused the town to be abandoned; to-day it is attributed to natural +causes." + +"Because," says I, "we left behind such evidences of material +manifestations as strings and weights on the parlor window." + +"S'pose we work right in the house?" says he, brightening up. "You can +hide in the closet and groan while I act." + +Now did you ever hear anything innocenter than that? Yet he meant it so +well I did not even laugh. + +"I'm too fond of my pastor," I says, "to let him catch me in his closet. +A far better spot for our work is the short cut he takes home from +church after Wednesday evening meeting. We won't be so loud, but more +dignified, melancholier, and tragic. You overacted last night, Robert," +I says. "Next time pace up and down like you were deep in thought and +sigh gentle. Then if he should see you it would be nice to take his arm +and walk home with him." + +I think I had the right idea of ha'nting, and had I been able to keep up +Robert J. Dinkle's sperrits and to train him regular I could have +aroused the slumbering imagination of Harmony, and brought life to the +burying-ground. But he was too easy discouraged. He lacked perseverance. +For if ever Mr. Spiegelnail was on the point of seeing things it was +that night as he stepped out of the woods. He had walked slow and +meditating till he come opposite where I was. Now I didn't howl or +groan or say anything particular. What I did was to make a noise that +wasn't animal, neither was it human, nor was it regulation ghostly. As I +had stated to the late Robert J. Dinkle, what was needed for ha'nting +was something new and original. And it certainly ketched Mr. +Spiegelnail's attention. I see him stop. I see his lantern shake. It +appeared like he was going to dive into the bushes for me, but he +changed his mind. On he went, quicker, kind as if he wasn't afraid, yet +was, on to the open, where the moon brought out Robert beautiful as he +paced slowly up and down, his head bowed like he was studying. Still the +preacher never saw him, stepped right through him, in fact. I give the +dreadful sound again. That stopped him. He turned, raised the lantern +before him, put his hand to his ear, and seemed to be looking intense +and listening. Hardly ten feet away stood Robert, all a-trembling with +excitement, but the light that showed through him was as steady as a +rock, as the dominie watched and listened, so quiet and ca'm. He lowered +the lantern, rubbed his hands across his eyes, stepped forward and +looked again. The ghost was perfect. As I have stated, he was excited +and his sigh shook a little, but he was full of dignity and sadity. He +shouldn't have lost heart so soon. I was sure then that he almost showed +up plain to the preacher and he would have grown on Mr. Spiegelnail had +he kept on ha'nting him instead of giving in because that one night the +pastor walked on to the house fairly cool. He did walk quicker, I know, +and he did peer over his shoulder twicet and I did hear the kitchen door +bang in a relieved way. But when we consider the stuff that ghosts are +made of we hadn't otter expect them to be heroes. They are too foggy and +gauzy to have much perseverance--judging at least from Robert J. + +"I simply can't work any more," says he, when I came up to him, as he +sat there in the path, his elbows on his knees, his head on his hands, +his eyes studying the ground most mournful. + +"But Robert----" I began, thinking to cheer him up. + +He didn't hear; he wouldn't listen--just faded away. + +Had he only held out there is no telling what he might have done in his +line. Often, since then, have I thought of him and figgered on his +tremendous possibilities. That he had possibilities I am sure. Had I +only realized it that last night we went out ha'nting, he never would +have got away from me. But the realization came too late. It came in +church the very next Sunday, with the usual announcements after the long +prayer, as Mr. Spiegelnail was leaning over the pulpit eying the +congregation through big smoked glasses. + +Says he in a voice that was full of sadness: "I regret to announce that +for the first time in twenty years union services will be held in this +town next Sabbath." Setting in the choir, reading my music marks, I +heard the preacher's words and started, for I saw at once that something +unusual was happening, or had happened, or was about to happen. +"Unfortunately," said Mr. Spiegelnail, continuing, "I shall have to turn +my pulpit over to Brother Spiker of the Baptist Church, for my failing +eyesight renders it necessary that I go at once to Philadelphia, to +consult an oculist. Some of my dear brethren may think this an unusual +step, but I should not desert them without cause. They may think, +perhaps, that I am making much ado about nothing and could be treated +just as well in Harrisburg. To such let me explain that I am suffering +from astigmatism. It is not so much that I cannot see, but that I sees +things which I know are not there--a defect in sight which I feel needs +the most expert attention. Sunday-school at half-past nine; divine +service at eleven. I take for my text 'And the old men shall see +visions.'" + +How I did wish the late Robert J. Dinkle could have been in church that +morning. It would have so gladdened his heart to hear that he had partly +worked, for if he worked partly, then surely, in time, he would have +worked complete. For me, I was just wild with excitement, and was so +busy thinking of him and how glad he would be, that I didn't hear the +sermon at all, and in planning new ways of ha'nting I forgot to sing in +the last anthem. You see, I figgered lively times ahead for Harmony--a +general return to the good old times when folks had imagination and had +something more in their heads than facts. I had only to get Robert +again, and with him working it would not be long till all the old Berrys +and Mrs. Klump showed up distinct and plain. But I wasn't well posted in +the weak characters of shades, for I thought, of course, I could find my +sperrit friend easy when night came. Yet I didn't. I set on the store +porch shivering till the moon was high up over the ridge. He just +wouldn't come. I called for him soft-like and got no answer. Down to the +burying-ground I went and set on his headstone. It was the quietest +place you ever see. The clouds was scudding overhead; the wind was +sighing among the leaves; and through the trees the moon was gleaming so +clear and distinct you could almost read the monnyments. It was just a +night when things should have been lively there--a perfect night for +ha'nting. I called for Robert. I listened. He never answered. I heard +only a bull-frog a-bellering in the pond, a whippoor-will whistling in +the grove, and a dog howling at the moon. + + + + +THE GHOST OF MISER BRIMPSON + +BY EDEN PHILLPOTTS + +From _Tales of the Tenements_, by Eden Phillpotts. Published in America +by John Lane Company, and in England by John Murray. By permission of +the publishers and Eden Phillpotts. + + + + +The Ghost of Miser Brimpson + +BY EDEN PHILLPOTTS + + +I + +Penniless and proud he was; and that pair don't draw a man to pleasant +places when they be in double harness. There's only one thing can stop +'em if they take the bit between their teeth, and that's a woman. So +there, you might say, lies the text of the tale of Jonathan Drake, of +Dunnabridge Farm, a tenement in the Forest of Dartymoor. 'Twas Naboth's +vineyard to Duchy, and the greedy thing would have given a very fair +price for it, without a doubt; but the Drake folk held their land, and +wouldn't part with it, and boasted a freehold of fifty acres in the very +midst of the Forest. They did well, too, and moved with the times, and +kept their heads high for more generations than I can call home; and +then they comed to what all families, whether gentle or simple, always +come to soon or late. And that's a black sheep for bell-wether. Bad uns +there'll be in every generation of a race; but the trouble begins when a +bad un chances to be up top; and if the head of the family is a +drunkard, or a spendthrift, or built on too free and flowing a pattern +for this work-a-day shop, then the next generation may look out for +squalls, as the sailor-men say. + +'Twas Jonathan's grandfather that did the harm at Dunnabridge. He had +sport in his blood, on his mother's side, and 'twas horses ran him into +trouble. He backed 'em, and was ruined; and then his son bred 'em, and +didn't do very much better. So, when the pair of 'em dropped out of the +hunt, and died with their backs to the wall, one after t'other, it +looked as if the game was up for them to follow. By good chance, +however, Tom Drake had but one child--a boy--the Jonathan as I be +telling about; and when his father and grandfather passed away, within a +year of each other, Dunnabridge was left to Tom's widow and her son, him +then being twenty-two. She was for selling Dunnabridge and getting away +from Dartymoor, because the place had used her bad, and she hated the +sight of it; but Jonathan, a proud chap even then, got the lawyers to +look into the matter, and they told him that 'twasn't vital for +Dunnabridge to be sold, though it might ease his pocket, and smooth his +future to do so, 'specially as Duchy wanted the place rather bad, and +had offered the value of it. And Jonathan's mother was on the side of +Duchy, too, and went on her knees to the man to sell; but he wouldn't. +He had a bee in his bonnet sometimes, and he said that all the Drakes +would rise out of their graves to Widecombe churchyard, and haunt his +rising up and going down if he were to do such a thing, just to suit +his own convenience, and be rid of the place. So he made a plan with the +creditors. It figured out that his father and grandfather had owed near +a thousand pound between them; and Jonathan actually set himself to pay +it off to the last penny. 'Twas the labor of years; but by the time he +was thirty-three he done it--at what cost of scrimping and screwing, +only his mother might have told. She never did tell, however, for she +died two year before the last item was paid. Some went as far as to +declare that 'twas her son's miserly ways hurried her into her grave; +and, for all I know, they may have done so, for 'tis certain, in her +husband's life, she had a better time. Tom was the large-hearted, juicy, +easy sort, as liked meat on the table, and plenty to wash it down; and +he loved Mercy Jane Drake very well; and, when he died, the only thought +that troubled him was leaving her; and the last thing he advised his son +was to sell Dunnabridge, and take his mother off the Moor down to the +"in country" where she'd come from. + +But Jonathan was made of different stuff, and 'twas rumored by old +people that had known the family for several generations that he favored +an ancient forefather by name of Brimpson Drake. This bygone man was a +miser and the richest of the race. He'd lived in the days when we were +at war with France and America, and when Princetown sprang up, and a +gert war-prison was built there to cage all the chaps we got on our +hands through winning such a lot o' sea battles. And Miser Brimpson was +said to have made thousands by helping rich fellows to escape from the +prison. Truth and falsehood mixed made up his story as 'twas handed +down. But one thing appeared to be fairly true about it; which was, that +when the miser died, and Dunnabridge went to his cousin, the horseracer, +not a penny of his fortune ever came into the sight of living men. So +some said 'twas all nonsense, and he never had no money at all, but only +pretended to it; and others again, declared that he knew too well who'd +follow in his shoes at Dunnabridge, and hid his money accordingly, so +that no Drake should have it. For he hated his heirs as only a miser can +hate 'em. + +So things stood when Mercy Jane died and Jonathan was left alone. He +paid all his relations' debts, and he had his trouble and the honor of +being honorable for his pains. Everybody respected him something +wonderful; but, all the same, a few of his mother's friends always did +say that 'twas a pity he put his dead father's good name afore his +living mother's life. However, we'm not built in the pattern of our +fellow-creatures, and 'tis only fools that waste time blaming a man for +being himself. + +Jonathan went his stern way; and then, in the lonely days after his +parent was taken, when he lived at Dunnabridge, with nought but two +hinds and a brace of sheep-dogs, 'twas suddenly borne in upon his narrow +sight that there might be other women still in the world, though his +mother had gone out of it. And he also discovered, doubtless, that a +home without a woman therein be merely the cruel mockery of what a home +should be. + +A good few folk watched Jonathan to see what he'd do about it, and no +doubt a maiden here and there was interested too; because, though a +terrible poor man, he wasn't bad to look at, though rather hard about +the edge of the jaw, and rather short and stern in his manners to human +creatures and beasts alike. + +And then beginned his funny courting--if you can call it courting, where +a poor man allows hisself the luxury of pride at the wrong time, and +makes a show of hisself in consequence. At least that's my view; but you +must know that a good few, quite as wise as me, took t'other side, and +held that Jonathan covered his name with glory when he changed his mind +about Hyssop Burges. That was her bitter name, but a pleasanter girl +never walked on shoe-leather. She was Farmer Stonewer's niece to White +Works, and he took her in for a charity, and always said that 'twas the +best day's work as ever he had done. A straight, hardworking, cheerful +sort of a girl, with nothing to name about her very special save a fine +shape and a proud way of holding her head in the air and looking her +fellow creatures in the eyes. Proud she was for certain, and terrible +partickler as to her friends; but there happened to be that about +Jonathan that made flint to her steel. He knowed she was penniless, or +he'd not have looked at her twice; and when, after a short, fierce sort +of courting, she took him, everybody felt pleased about it but Farmer +Stonewer, who couldn't abide the thought of losing Hyssop, though his +wife had warned him any time this four year that 'twas bound to happen. + +Farmer and the girl were sitting waiting for Jonathan one night; and she +was a bit nervous, and he was trying for to calm her. + +"Jonathan must be told," she says. "It can't go on no longer." + +"Then tell him," says her uncle. "Good powers!" he says; "to see you, +one would think the news was the worst as could ever fall between a pair +o' poor lovers, instead of the best." + +"I know him a lot better than you," she tells Farmer; "and I know how +plaguey difficult he can be where money's the matter. He very near +throwed me over when, in a weak moment, I axed him to let me buy my own +tokening-ring. Red as a turkey's wattles did he flame, and said I'd +insulted him; and now, when he hears the secret, I can't for the life of +me guess how he'll take it." + +"'Twas a pity you didn't tell him when he offered for you," declared +Hyssop's aunt. "Proud he is as a silly peacock, and terrible frightened +of seeming to look after money, or even casting his eye where it bides; +but he came to you without any notion of the windfall, and he loved you +for yourself, like an honest man; and you loved him the same way; and +right well you know that if your old cousin had left you five thousand +pound instead of five hundred, Jonathan Drake was the right chap for +you. He can't blame himself, for not a soul on Dartymoor but us three +has ever heard tell about the money." + +"But he'll blame me for having money at all," answered the girl. "He +said a dozen times afore he offered for me, that he'd never look at a +woman if she'd got more cash than what he had himself. That's why I +couldn't bring myself to confess to it--and lose him. And, after we was +tokened, it got to be harder still." + +"Why not bide till you'm married, then?" asked Mrs. Stonewer. "Since it +have gone so long, let it go longer, and surprise him with the news on +the wedding-night--eh, James?" + +"No," answered Farmer. "'Enough is as good as a feast.' 'Tis squandering +blessings to do that at such a time. Keep the news till some rainy day, +when he's wondering how to get round a tight corner. That's the moment +to tell him; and that's the moment he's least likely to make a face at +the news." + +But Hyssop wouldn't put it off no more; she said as she'd not have any +further peace till the murder was out. And that very night, sure enough +when Jonathan comed over from Dunnabridge for his bit of love-making, +and the young couple had got the farm parlor to themselves, she plumped +it out, finding him in a very kindly mood. They never cuddled much, for +he wasn't built that way; but he'd not disdain to sit beside her and +put his arm around her now and again, when she picked up his hand and +drew it round. Then, off and on, she'd rub her cheek against his +mutton-chop whiskers, till he had to kiss her in common politeness. + +Well, Hyssop got it out--Lord alone knows how, as she said afterwards. +She got it out, and told him that an old, aged cousin had died, and left +her a nice little skuat[1] of money; and how she'd never touched a penny +but let it goody in the bank; and how she prayed and hoped 'twould help +'em to Dunnabridge; and how, of course, he must have the handling of it, +being a man, and so cruel clever in such things. She went on and on, +pretty well frightened to stop and hear him. But, after she'd said it +over about a dozen times, her breath failed her, and she shut her mouth, +and tried to smile, and looked up terrible anxious and pleading at +Jonathan. + +His hard gray eyes bored into her like a brace of gimlets, and in return +for all her talk he axed but one question. + +"How long have you had this here money?" he said. + +She told the truth, faltering and shaking under his glare. + +"Four years and upwards, Jonathan." + +"That's years and years afore I axed you to marry me?" + +"Yes, Jonathan." + +"And you remember what I said about never marrying anybody as had more +than what I have?" + +"Yes, Jonathan." + +"And you full know how many a time I told you that, after I paid off all +my father's debts, I had nought left, and 'twould be years afore I could +build up anything to call money?" + +"Yes, Jonathan." + +"Very well, then!" he cried out, and his brow crooked down and his fists +clenched. "Very well, you've deceived me deliberate, and if you'd do +that in one thing, you would in another. I'm going out of this house +this instant moment, and you can tell your relations why 'tis. I'm +terrible sorry, Hyssop Burges, for no man will ever love you better than +what I did; and so you'd have lived to find out when all this here +courting tomfoolery was over, and you'd come to be my wife. But now I'll +have none of you, for you've played with me. And so--so I'll bid you +good-bye!" + +He went straight out without more speech; and she tottered, weeping, to +her uncle and aunt. They couldn't believe their senses; and Jimmy +Stonewer declared thereon that any man who could make himself such a +masterpiece of a fool as Jonathan had done that night, was better out of +the marriage state than in it. He told Hyssop as she'd had a marvelous +escape from a prize zany; and his wife said the same. But the girl +couldn't see it like that. She knowed Jonathan weren't a prize zany, +and his raging pride didn't anger her, for she admired it something +wonderful, and it only made her feel her loss all the crueller to see +what a terrible rare, haughty sort of a chap he was. There were a lot of +other men would have had her, and twice as many again, if they'd known +about the money; but they all seemed as tame as robins beside her hawk +of a Jonathan. She had plenty of devil in her, too, when it came to the +fighting pitch; and now, while he merely said that the match was broken +off through a difference of opinion, and gave no reason for it, she set +to work with all her might to get him back again, and used her +love-sharpened wits so well as she knew how, to best him into matrimony. + + +II + +In truth she made poor speed. Jonathan was always civil afterwards; but +you might as soon have tried to thaw an iceberg with a box of matches as +to get him round again by gentleness and affection. He was the sort that +can't be won with kindness. He felt he'd treated the world better than +the world had treated him, and the thought shriveled his heart a bit. +Always shy and suspicious, you might say; and yet, underneath it, the +most honorable and upright and high-minded man you could wish to meet. +Hyssop loved him like her life, and she got a bit poorly in health after +their sad quarrel. Then chance willed it that, going down from +Princetown to Plymouth by train--to see a chemist, and get something to +make her eat--who should be in the selfsame carriage but Mr. Drake and +his hind, Thomas Parsons. + +There was others there, too; and it fell out that an old fellow as +knowed Jonathan's grandfather before him, brought up the yarn about +Miser Brimpson, and asked young Drake if he took any stock in it. + +Of course the man pooh-poohed such foolery, and told the old chap not to +talk nonsense like that in the ear of the nineteenth century; but when +Jonathan and Parsons had got out of the train--which they did do at +Yelverton station--Hyssop, as knowed the old man, axed him to tell more +about the miser; and he explained, so well as he knew how, that Brimpson +Drake had made untold thousands out of the French and American +prisoners, and that, without doubt, 'twas all hidden even to this day at +Dunnabridge. + +"Of course Jonathan's too clever to believe such a tale--like his father +before him; but his grandfather believed it, and the old blid spent half +his time poking about the farm. Only, unfortunately, he didn't have no +luck. But 'tis there for sure; and if Jonathan had enough faith he'd +come by it--not by digging and wasting time and labor, but by doing what +is right and proper when you'm dealing with such matters." + +"And what might that be?" axed Miss Burges. + +Just then, however, the train for Plymouth ran up, and the old man told +her that he'd explain some other time. + +"This generation laughs at such things," he said; "but they laugh best +who laugh last, and, for all we can say to the contrary, 'tis nought but +his conceit and pride be standing between that stiff-necked youth and +the wealth of a bank." + +Hyssop, she thought a lot upon this; but she hadn't no need to go to the +old chap again, as she meant to do, for when she got home, her +uncle--Farmer Stonewer--knowed all about the matter, and told her how +'twas a very rooted opinion among the last generation that a miser's +spirit never could leave its hidden hoard till the stuff was brought to +light, and in human hands once more. + +"Millions of good money has been found in that manner, if all we hear is +true," declared Farmer Jimmy; "and if one miser has been known to walk, +which nobody can deny, then why shouldn't another? Them as believe in +such dark things--and I don't say I do, and I don't say I don't--them as +know of such mysteries happening in their own recollection, or in the +memory of their friends, would doubtless say that Miser Brimpson still +creeps around his gold now and again; and if that money be within the +four corners of Dunnabridge Farm, and if Jonathan happed to be on the +lookout on the rightful night and at the rightful moment, 'tis almost +any odds but he might see his forbear sitting over his money-bags like a +hen on a clutch of eggs, and so recover the hoard." + +"But faith's needed for such a deed," Mrs. Stonewer told her niece; "and +that pig-headed creature haven't no faith. Too proud, he is, to believe +in anything he don't understand. 'Twas even so with Lucifer afore him. +If you told him--Jonathan--this news, he'd rather let the money go than +set off ghost-hunting in cold blood. Yet there it is: and a +humbler-minded fashion of chap, with the Lord on his side, and a +trustful heart in his bosom, might very like recover all them tubs of +cash the miser come by." + +"And then he'd have thousands to my poor tens," said Hyssop. "Not that +he'd ever come back to me now, I reckon." + +But, all the same, she knowed by the look in Jonathan's eye when they +met, that he loved her still, and that his silly, proud heart was +hungering after her yet, though he'd rather have been drawn under a +harrow than show a spark of what was burning there. + +And so, upon this nonsense about a buried treasure she set to work again +to use her brains, and see if there might be any road out of the trouble +by way of Miser Brimpson's ghost. + +What she did, none but them as helped her ever knew, until the story +comed round to me; but 'twas the cleverest thing that ever I heard of a +maiden doing, and it worked a wonder. In fact, I can't see but a single +objection to the plot, though that was a serious thing for the girl. It +lay in the fact that there had to be a secret between Hyssop and her +husband; and she kept it close as the grave until the grave itself +closed over him. Yet 'twas an innocent secret, too; and, when all's +said, 'tisn't a wedded pair in five hundred as haven't each their one +little cupboard fast locked, with the key throwed away. + +Six months passed by, and Jonathan worked as only he knowed how to work, +and tried to forget his sad disappointment by dint of toil. Early and +late he labored, and got permission to reclaim a bit of moor for a +"newtake," and so added a very fair three acres to his farm. He noticed +about this time that his hind, Parsons, did oft drag up the subject of +Miser Brimpson Drake; and first Jonathan laughed, and then he was +angered, and bade Thomas hold his peace. But, though a very obedient and +humble sort of man, Parsons would hark back to the subject, and tell how +his father had known a man who was own brother to a miser; and how, when +the miser died, his own brother had seen him clear as truth in the +chimley-corner of his room three nights after they'd buried him; and how +they made search, and found, not three feet from where the ghost had +stood, a place in the wall with seventeen golden sovereigns hid in it, +and a white witch's cure for glanders. Thomas Parsons swore on the Book +to this; and he said, as a certain fact, that New Year's Night was the +time most misers walked; and he advised Jonathan not to be dead to his +own interests. + +"At least, as a thinking man, that believes in religion and the powers +of the air, in Bible word, you might give it a chance," said Thomas; and +then Jonathan told him to shut his mouth, and not shame Dunnabridge by +talking such childish nonsense. + +The next autumn Jonathan went up beyond Exeter to buy some of they +black-faced, horned Scotch sheep, and he wanted for Parsons to go with +him; but his man falled ill the night afore, and so young Hacker went +instead. + +Drake reckoned then that Thomas Parsons would have to leave, for +Dunnabridge weren't a place for sick folk; and he'd made up his mind +after he came back to turn the old chap off; but Thomas was better when +the master got home, so the question of sacking him was let be, and +Jonathan contented himself by telling Tom that, if he falled ill again, +'twould be the last time. And Parsons said that was as it should be; but +he hoped that at his age--merely sixty-five or thereabout--he wouldn't +be troubled with his breathing parts again for half a score o' years at +least. He added that he'd done his work as usual while the master was +away; but he didn't mention that Hyssop Burges had made so bold as to +call at Dunnabridge with a pony and cart, and that she'd spent a tidy +long time there, and gone all over the house and farmyard, among other +places, afore she drove off again. + +And the next chapter of the story was told by Jonathan himself to his +two men on the first day of the following year. + +There was but little light of morning just then, and the three of 'em +were putting down some bread and bacon and a quart of tea by candlelight +in the Dunnabridge kitchen, when Thomas saw that his master weren't +eating nothing to name. Instead, he went out to the barrel and drawed +himself a pint of ale, and got along by the peat fire with it, and stuck +his boots so nigh the scads as he dared without burning 'em. + +"What's amiss?" said Thomas. "Don't say you'm sick, master. And if you +be, I lay no liquor smaller than brandy will fetch you round." + +"I ban't sick," answered Jonathan shortly. + +He seemed in doubt whether to go on. Then he resolved to do so. + +"There was a man in the yard last night," he said; "and, if I thought as +either of you chaps knowed anything about it, I'd turn you off this +instant, afore you'd got the bacon out of your throats." + +"A man? Never!" cried Parsons. + +"How was it the dog didn't bark?" asked Hacker. + +"How the devil do I know why he didn't bark?" answered Jonathan, dark as +night, and staring in the fire. One side of his face was red with the +flames, and t'other side blue as steel along of the daylight just +beginning to filter in at the window. + +"All I can say is this," he added. "I turned in at half-after ten, just +after that brace of old fools to Brownberry went off to see the New Year +in. I slept till midnight; then something woke me with a start. What +'twas, I can't tell, but some loud sound near at hand, no doubt. I was +going off again when I heard more row--a steady sound repeated over and +over. And first I thought 'twas owls; and then I heard 'twas not. You +might have said 'twas somebody thumping on a barrel; but, at any rate, I +woke up, and sat up, and found the noise was in the yard. + +"I looked out of my chamber window then, and the moon was bright as day, +and the stars sparkling likewise; and there, down by 'the Judge's Table' +where the thorn-tree grows, I see a man standing by the old barrel as +plain as I see you chaps now." + +"The Judge's Table" be a wonnerful curiosity at Dunnabridge, and if you +go there you'll do well to ax to see it. 'Tis a gert slab of moorstone +said to have come from Crokern Torr, where the tinners held theer +parliament in the ancient times. Now it bides over a water-trough with a +white-thorn tree rising up above. + +Jonathan took his breath when he'd got that far, and fetched his pipe +out of his pocket and lighted it. Then he drank off half the beer, and +spat in the fire, and went on. + +"A man so tall as me, if not taller. He'd got one of them old white +beaver hats on his head, and he wore a flowing white beard, so long as +my plough-horse's tail, and he walked up and down, up and down over the +stones, like a sailor walks up and down on the deck of a ship. I shouted +to the chap, but he didn't take no more notice than the moon. Up and +down he went; and then I told him, if he wasn't off inside two minutes, +I'd get my fowling-piece and let fly. Still he paid no heed; and I don't +mind saying to you men that, for half a second, I felt creepy-crawly and +goose-flesh down the back. But 'twas only the cold, I reckon, for my +window was wide open, and I'd been leaning out of it for a good while +into ten degrees of frost. + +"After that, I got angry, and went down house and hitched the gun off +the hooks over the mantelpiece, and ran out, just as I was, in nought +but my boots and my nightshirt. The hour was so still as the grave at +first, and the moon shone on the river far below and lit up the eaves +and windows; and then, through the silence, I heard Widecombe bells +ringing in the New Year. But the old night-bird in his top hat was gone. +Not a hair of his beard did he leave behind. I looked about, and then up +came the dog, barking like fury, not knowing who I was, dressed that +way, till he heard my voice. And that's the tale; and who be that +curious old rascal I'd much like to know." + +They didn't answer at first, and the daylight gained on 'em. Then old +Parsons spoke up, and wagged his head and swore that 'twas no man his +master had seen, but a creature from the other world. + +"I'll lay my life," he said, "'twas the spectrum of Miser Brimpson as +you saw walking; and I'll take oath by the New Year that 'twas his way +to show where his stuff be buried. For God's sake," he says, "if you +don't want to get into trouble with unknown creatures, go out and pull +up the cobblestones, and see if there's anything underneath 'em." + +But Jonathan made as though the whole thing was nonsense, and wouldn't +let neither Thomas nor Hacker move a pebble. Only, the next day, he went +off to a very old chap called Samuel Windeatt, whose father had been a +boy at the time of the War Prison, and was said to have seen and known +Miser Brimpson in the flesh. And the old man declared that, in his +childish days, he'd heard of the miser, and that he certainly wore a +beaver hat and had a white beard a yard long. So Jonathan came home +again more thoughtful than afore, and finally--though he declared that +he was ashamed to do it--he let Tom overpersuade him; and two days after +the three men set to work where Drake had seen the spectrum. + +They dug and they dug, this way and that; and Jonathan found nought, and +Parsons found nought; but Hacker came upon a box, and they dragged it +out of the earth, and underneath of it was another box like the first. +They was a pair of old rotten wood chests, by the look of them, made of +boards nailed together with rusty nails. No locks or keys they had; but +that was no matter, for they fell abroad at a touch, and inside of them +was a lot of plate--candlesticks, snuffers, tea-kettles, table silver, +and the like. + +"Thunder!" cried out Jonathan. "'Tis all pewter trash, not worth a +five-pound note! Us'll dig again." + +And dig they did for a week, till the farmyard in that place was turned +over like a trenched kitchen-garden. But not another teaspoon did they +find. + +Meantime, however, somebody as understood such things explained to young +Drake that the stuff unearthed was not pewter, nor yet Britannia metal +neither, but old Sheffield plate, and worth plenty of good money at +that. + +Jonathan felt too mazed with the event to do anything about it for a +month; then he went to Plymouth, and took a few pieces of the find in +his bag. And the man what he showed 'em to was so terrible interested +that nothing would do but he must come up to Dunnabridge and see the +lot. He offered two hundred and fifty pound for the things on the nail; +so Jonathan saw very clear that they must be worth a good bit more. They +haggled for a week, and finally the owner went up to Exeter and got +another chap to name a price. In the long run, the dealers halved the +things, and Jonathan comed out with a clear three hundred and fifty-four +pound. + + +III + +He wasn't very pleased to talk about his luck, and inquisitive people +got but little out of him on the subject; but, of course, Parsons and +Hacker spoke free and often on the subject, for 'twas the greatest +adventure as had ever come to them in their lives; and, from telling the +tale over and over old Parsons got to talk about it as if he'd seen the +ghost himself. + +Then, after he'd chewed over the matter for a space of three or four +months, and spring was come again, Jonathan Drake went off one night to +White Works, just the same as he used to do when he was courting Hyssop +Burges; and there was the little party as usual, with Mrs. Stonewer +knitting, and Farmer reading yesterday's newspaper, and Hyssop sewing in +her place by her aunt. + +"Well!" says Farmer Jimmy, "wonders never cease! And to see you again +here be almost so big a wonder as that they tell about of the old +miser's tea-things. I'm sure we all give you joy, Jonathan; and I +needn't tell you as we was cruel pleased to hear about it." + +The young man thanked them very civilly, and said how 'twas a coorious +come-along-of-it, and he didn't hardly know what to think of the matter +even to that day. + +"I should reckon 'twas a bit of nonsense what I'd dreamed," he said; +"but money's money, as who should know better than me? And, by the same +token, I want a few words with Hyssop if she'm willing to give me ten +minutes of her time." + +"You'm welcome, Mr. Drake," she said. + +He started at the surname; but she got up, and they went off just in +the usual way to the parlor; and when they was there, she sat down in +her old corner of the horsehair sofa and looked at him. But he didn't +sit down--not at first. He walked about fierce and talked fierce. + +"I'll ax one question afore I go on, and, if the answer's what I fear, +I'll trouble you no more," he said. "In a word, be you tokened again? I +suppose you be, for you're not the sort to go begging. Say it quick if +'tis so, and I'll be off and trouble you no further." + +"No, Mr. Drake. I'm free as the day you--you throwed me over," she +answered, in a very quiet little voice. + +He snorted at that, but was too mighty thankful to quarrel with the +words. She could see he began to grow terrible excited now; and he +walked up and down, taking shorter and shorter strides this way and +that, like a hungry caged tiger as knows his bit of horse-flesh be on +the way. + +At last he bursts out again. + +"There was a lot of lies told about that old plate us found at +Dunnabridge. But the truth of the matter is, that I sold it for three +hundred and fifty-four pounds." + +"So Tom Parsons told uncle. A wonderful thing; and we sat up all night +talking about it, Mr. Drake." + +"For God's sake call me 'Jonathan'!" he cried out; "and tell me--tell me +what the figure of your legacy was. You must tell me--you can't withhold +it. 'Tis life or death--to me." + +She'd never seen him so excited, but very well knowed what was in his +mind. + +"If you must know, you must," she answered. "I thought I told you +when--when----" + +"No, you didn't. I wouldn't bide to hear. Whatever 'twas, you'd got more +than me, and that was all I cared about; but now, if by good fortune +'tis less than mine, you understand----" + +"Of course 'tis less. A hundred and eighty pound and the interest--a +little over two hundred in all--is what I've gotten." + +"Thank God!" he said. + +Then he axed her if she could marry him still, or if she knew too much +about his ways and his ideas to care about doing so. + +And she took him again. + + * * * * * + +You see, Hyssop Burges was my mother, and when father died I had the +rights of the story from her. By that time the old people at White Works +and Tom Parsons was all gone home, and the secret remained safe enough +with Hyssop herself. + +The great difficulty was to put half her money and more, slap into +Jonathan's hands without his knowing how it got there; and, even when +the game with the ghost was hit upon, 'twas hard to know how to do it +clever. Hyssop wanted to hide golden sovereigns at Dunnabridge; but her +uncle, with wonnerful wit, pointed out that they'd all be dated; and to +get three hundred sovereigns and more a hundred years old could never +have been managed. Then old Thomas, who was in the secret, of course, +and played the part of Miser Brimpson, and got five pounds for doing it +so clever, and another five after from his master, when the stuff was +found--he thought upon trinkums and jewels; and finally Mrs. Stonewer, +as had a friend in the business, said that Sheffield plate would do the +trick. And she was right. The plate was bought for three hundred and +eighty pound, and kept close at White Works till 'twas known that +Jonathan meant to go away and bide away some days. Then my mother drove +across with it; and Thomas made the cases wi' old rotten boards, and +they drove a slant hole under the cobbles, and got all vitty again long +afore young Drake came back home. + +"Me and Jonathan was wedded in the fall of that year," said my mother to +me when she told the tale. "And, come the next New Year's Night, he was +at our chamber window as the clock struck twelve, and bided there +looking out into the yard for an hour, keen as the hawk that he was. He +thought I must be asleep; but well I knowed he was seeking for an old +man in a beaver hat wi' a long white beard, and well I knowed he'd never +see him again. Of course your father took good care not to tell me the +next morning that he'd been on the lookout for the ghost." + +And my mother, in her own last days, oft dwelt on that trick; and +sometimes she'd say, as the time for meeting father got nearer and +nearer, "I wonder if 'twill make any difference in heaven, where no +secrets be hid?" And, knowing father so well as I had, I felt very sure +as it might make a mighty lot of difference. So, in my crafty way, I +hedged, and told mother that, for my part, I felt sartain there were +some secrets that wouldn't even be allowed to come out at Judgment Day, +for fear of turning heaven into t'other place; and that this was one of +'em. She always used to fret at that, however. + +"I want for it to come out," she'd say. "And, if Jonathan don't know, I +shall certainly tell him. I've kept it in long enough, and I can't trust +myself to do it no more. He've got to know, and, with all eternity to +get over it and forgive me in, I have a right to be hopeful that he +will." + +Hyssop Drake died in that fixed resolve; and I'm sure I trust that, when +'tis my turn to join my parents again, I shall find no shadow between +'em. But there's a lot of doubt about it--knowing father. + + +FOOTNOTES: + +[1] Skuat, windfall. + + + + +THE HAUNTED PHOTOGRAPH + +BY RUTH McENERY STUART + +From _Harper's Bazar_, June, 1909. By permission of _Harper's Bazar_. + + + + +The Haunted Photograph + +BY RUTH McENERY STUART + + +To the ordinary observer it was just a common photograph of a cheap +summer hotel. It hung sumptuously framed in plush, over the Widow +Morris's mantel, the one resplendent note in an otherwise modest home, +in a characteristic Queen Anne village. + +One had only to see the rapt face of its owner as she sat in her weeds +before the picture, which she tearfully pronounced "a strikin' +likeness," to sympathize with the townsfolk who looked askance at the +bereaved woman, even while they bore with her delusion, feeling sure +that her sudden sorrow had set her mind agog. + +When she had received the picture through the mail, some months before +the fire which consumed the hotel--a fire through which she had not +passed, but out of which she had come a widow--she proudly passed it +around among the friends waiting with her at the post-office, replying +to their questions as they admired it: + +"Oh, yes! That's where he works--if you can call it work. He's the head +steward in it. All that row o' winders where you see the awnin's down, +they're his--an' them that ain't down, they're his, too--that is to say, +it's his jurisdiction. + +"You see, he's got the whip hand over the cook an' the sto'eroom, an' +that key don't go out o' his belt unless he knows who's gettin' +what--an' he's firm. Morris always was. He's like the iron law of the +Ephesians." + +"What key?" + +It was an old lady who held the picture at arm's length, the more +closely to scan it, who asked the question. She asked it partly to know, +as neither man nor key appeared in the photograph, and partly to parry +the "historic allusion"--a disturbing sort of fire for which Mrs. Morris +was rather noted and which made some of her most loyal townsfolk a bit +shy of her. + +"Oh, I ain't referrin' to the picture," she hastened to explain. "I mean +the keys thet he always carries in his belt. The reg'lar joke there is +to call him 'St. Peter,' an' he takes it in good part, for, he declares, +if there _is_ such a thing _as_ a similitude to the kingdom o' Heaven +_in_ a hotel, why, it's in the providential supply department which, in +a manner, hangs to his belt. He always humors a joke--'specially on +himself." + +No one will ever know through what painful periods of unrequited longing +the Widow Morris had sought solace in this, her only cherished "relic," +after the "half hour of sky-works" which had made her, in her own +vernacular, "a lonely, conflagrated widow, with a heart full of ashes," +before the glad moment when it was given her to discern in it an +unsuspected and novel value. First had come, as a faint gleam of +comfort, the reflection that although her dear lost one was not in +evidence in the picture, he had really been inside the building when the +photograph was taken, and so, of course, _he must be in there yet_! + +At first she experienced a slight disappointment that her man was not +visible, at door or window. But it was only a passing regret. It was +really better to feel him surely and broadly within--at large in the +great house, free to pass at will from one room to another. To have had +him fixed, no matter how effectively, would have been a limitation. As +it was, she pressed the picture to her bosom as she wondered if, +perchance, he would not some day come out of his hiding to meet her. + +It was a muffled pleasure and tremulously entertained at first, but the +very whimsicality of it was an appeal to her sensitized imagination, and +so, when finally the thing did really happen, it is small wonder that it +came somewhat as a shock. + +It appears that one day, feeling particularly lonely and forlorn, and +having no other comfort, she was pressing her tear-stained face against +the row of window-shutters in the room without awnings, this being her +nearest approach to the alleged occupant's bosom, when she was suddenly +startled by a peculiar swishing sound, as of wind-blown rain, whereupon +she lifted her face to perceive that it was indeed raining, and then, +glancing back at the photograph, she distinctly saw her husband rushing +from one window to another, drawing down the sashes on the side of the +house that would have been exposed to the real shower whose music was in +her ears. + +This was a great discovery, and, naturally enough, it set her weeping, +for, she sobbed, it made her feel, for a minute, that she had lost her +widowhood and that, after the shower, he'd be coming home. + +It might well make any one cry to suddenly lose the pivot upon which his +emotions are swung. At any rate, Mrs. Morris cried. She said that she +cried all night, first because it seemed so spooky to see him whose +remains she had so recently buried on faith, waiving recognition in the +debris, dashing about now in so matter-of-fact a way. + +And then she wept because, after all, he did not come. + +This was the formal beginning of her sense of personal companionship in +the picture--companionship, yes, of delight in it, for there is even +delight in tears--in some situations in life. Especially is this true of +one whose emotions are her only guides, as seems to have been the case +with the Widow Morris. + +After seeing him draw the window-sashes--and he had drawn them _down_, +ignoring her presence--she sat for hours, waiting for the rain to stop. +It seemed to have set in for a long spell, for when she finally fell +asleep, "from sheer disappointment, 'long towards morning," it was +still raining, but when she awoke the sun shone and all the windows in +the picture were up again. + +This was a misleading experience, however, for she soon discovered that +she could not count upon any line of conduct by the man in the hotel, as +the fact that it had one time rained in the photograph at the same time +that it rained outside was but a coincidence and she was soon surprised +to perceive all quiet along the hotel piazza, not even an awning +flapping, while the earth, on her plane, was torn by storms. + +On one memorable occasion when her husband had appeared, flapping the +window-panes from within with a towel, she had thought for one brief +moment that he was beckoning to her, and that she might have to go to +him, and she was beginning to experience terror, with shortness of +breath and other premonitions of sudden passing, when she discovered +that he was merely killing flies, and she flurriedly fanned herself with +the asbestos mat which she had seized from the stove beside her, and +staggered out to a seat under the mulberries, as she stammered: + +"I do declare, Morris'll be the death of me yet. He's 'most as much care +to me dead as he was alive--I made sure--made sure he'd come after me!" + +Then, feeling her own fidelity challenged, she hastened to add: + +"Not that I hadn't rather go to him than to take any trip in the world, +but--but I never did fancy that hotel, and since I've got used to seein' +him there so constant, I feel sure that's where we'd put up. My belief +is, anyway, that if there's hereafters for some things, there's +hereafters for all. From what I can gather, I reckon I'm a kind of a +cross between a Swedenborgian and a Gates-ajar--that, of course, +engrafted on to a Methodist. Now, that hotel, when it was consumed by +fire, which to it was the same as mortal death, why, it either ascended +into Heaven, in smoke, or it fell, in ashes--to the other place. If it +died worthy, like as not it's undergoin' repairs now for a 'mansion,' +jasper cupalos, an'--but, of course, such as that could be run up in a +twinklin'. + +"Still, from what I've heard, it's more likely gone _down_ to its +deserts. It would seem hard for a hotel with so many awned-off corridors +an' palmed embrasures with teet-a-teet sofas, to live along without +sin." + +She stood on her step-ladder, wiping the face of the picture as she +spoke, and as she began to back down she discovered the cat under her +elbow, glaring at the picture. + +"Yes, Kitty! Spit away!" she exclaimed. "Like as not you see even more +than I do!" + +And as she slipped the ladder back into the closet, she remarked--this +to herself, strictly: + +"If it hadn't 'a' been for poor puss, I'd 'a' had a heap more pleasure +out o' this picture than what I have had--or will be likely to have +again. The way she's taken on, I've almost come to hate it!" + +A serpent had entered her poor little Eden--even the green-eyed monster +constrictor, who, if given full swing, would not spare a bone of her +meager comfort. + +A neighbor who chanced to come in at the time, unobserved overheard the +last remark, and Mrs. Morris, seeing that she was there, continued in an +unchanged tone, while she gave her a chair: + +"Of course, Mis' Withers, you can easy guess who I refer to. I mean that +combly-featured wench that kep' the books an' answered the telephone at +the hotel--when she found the time from her meddlin'. Somehow, I never +thought about her bein' _burned in_ with Morris till puss give her away. +Puss never did like the girl when she was alive, an' the first time I +see her scratch an' spit at the picture, just the way she used to do +whenever _she_ come in sight, why, it just struck me like a clap o' +thunder out of a clear sky that puss knew who she was a-spittin' at--an' +I switched around sudden--an' glanced up sudden--an'---- + +"Well, what I seen, I seen! There was that beautied-up typewriter +settin' in the window-sill o' Morris's butler's pantry--an' if she +didn't wink at me malicious, then I don't know malice when I see it. An' +she used her fingers against her nose, too, most defiant and impolite. +So I says to puss I says, 'Puss,' I says, 'there's _goin's on_ in that +hotel, sure as fate. Annabel Bender has got the better o' me, for +once!' An', tell the truth, it did spoil the photograph for me for a +while, for, of course, after that, if I didn't see him somewheres on the +watch for his faithful spouse, I'd say to myself, 'He's inside there +with that pink-featured hussy!' + +"You know, a man's a man, Mis' Withers--'specially Morris, an' with his +lawful wife cut off an' indefinitely divorced by a longevitied +family--an' another burned in with him--well, his faithfulness is put to +a trial by fire, as you might say. So, as I say, it spoiled the picture +for me, for a while. + +"An', to make matters worse, it wasn't any time before I recollected +that Campbellite preacher thet was burned in with them, an' with that my +imagination run riot, an' I'd think to myself, '_If_ they're inclined, +they cert'n'y have things handy!' Then I'd ketch myself an' say, +'Where's your faith in Scripture, Mary Marthy Matthews, named after two +Bible women an' born daughter to an apostle? What's the use?' I'd say, +an' so, first an' last, I'd get a sort o' alpha an' omega comfort out o' +the passage about no givin' in marriage. Still, there'd be times, pray +as I would, when them three would loom up, him an' her--_an'_ the +Campbellite preacher. I know his license to marry would run out _in +time_, but for eternity, of course we don't know. Seem like everything +would last forever--an' then again, if I've got a widow's freedom, +Morris must be classed as a widower, if he's anything. + +"Then I'd get some relief in thinkin' about his disposition. Good as he +was, Morris was fickle-tasted, not in the long run, but day in an' day +out, an' even if he'd be taken up with her he'd get a distaste the +minute he reelized she'd be there interminable. That's Morris. Why, +didn't he used to get nervous just seein' _me_ around, an' me his own +selected? An' didn't I use to make some excuse to send him over to Mame +Maddern's ma's ma's--so's he'd be harmlessly diverted? She was full o' +talk, and she was ninety-odd an' asthmatic, but he'd come home from them +visits an' call me his child wife. I've had my happy moments! + +"You know a man'll get tired of himself, even, if he's condemned to it +too continual, and think of that blondinetted typewriter for a steady +diet--to a man like Morris! Imagine her when her hair dye started to +give out--green streaks in that pompadour! So, knowin' my man, I'd take +courage an' I'd think, 'Seein' me cut off, he'll soon be wantin' me more +than ever'--an' so he does. It's got so now that, glance up at that +hotel any time I will, I can generally find him on the lookout, an' +many's the time I've stole in an' put on a favoryte apron o' his with +blue bows on it, when we'd be alone an' nobody to remark about me +breakin' my mournin'. Dear me, how full o' b'oyancy he was--a regular +boy at thirty-five, when he passed away!" + +Was it any wonder that her friends exchanged glances while Mrs. Morris +entertained them in so droll a way? Still, as time passed and she not +only brightened in the light of her delusion, but proceeded to meet the +conditions of her own life by opening a small shop in her home, and when +she exhibited a wholesome sense of profit and loss, her neighbors were +quite ready to accept her on terms of mental responsibility. + +With occupation and a modest success, emotional disturbance was surely +giving place to an even calm, when, one day, something happened. + +Mrs. Morris sat behind her counter, sorting notions, puss asleep beside +her, when she heard the swish of thin silk, with a breath of familiar +perfume, and, looking up, whom did she see but the blond lady of her +troubled dreams striding bodily up to the counter, smiling as she +swished. + +At the sight the good woman first rose to her feet, and then as suddenly +dropped--flopped--breathless and white--backward--and had to be revived, +so that for the space of some minutes things happened very fast--that +is, if we may believe the flurried testimony of the blonde, who, in +going over it, two hours later, had more than once to stop for breath. + +"Well, say!" she panted. "Did you ever! _Such_ a turn as took her! I +hadn't no more 'n stepped in the door when she succumbed, green as the +Ganges, into her own egg-basket--an' it full! An' she was on the eve o' +floppin' back into the prunin' scizzor points up, when I scrambled over +the counter, breakin' my straight-front in two, which she's welcome to, +poor thing! Then I loaned her my smellin'-salts, which she held her +breath against until it got to be a case of smell or die, an' she +smelt! Then it was a case of temporary spasms for a minute, the salts +spillin' out over her face, but when the accident evaporated, an' she +opened her eyes, rational, I thought to myself, 'Maybe she don't know +she's keeled an' would be humiliated if she did,' so I acted callous, +an' I says, offhand like, I says, pushin' her apron around behind her +over its _vice versa_, so's to cover up the eggs, which I thought had +better be broke to her gently, I says, 'I just called in, Mis' Morris, +to borry your recipe for angel-cake--or maybe get you to bake one for +us' (I knew she baked on orders). An' with that, what does she do but go +over again, limp as wet starch, down an' through every egg in that +basket, solid _an'_ fluid! + +"Well, by this time, a man who had seen her at her first worst an' run +for a doctor, he come in with three, an' whilst they were bowin' to each +other an' backin', I giv' 'er stimulus an' d'rectly she turned upon me +one rememberable gaze, an' she says, 'Doctors,' says she, 'would you +think they'd have the gall to try to get me to cook for 'em? They've +ordered angel-ca----' An' with that, over she toppled again, no pulse +nor nothin', same as the dead!" + +While the blonde talked she busied herself with her loosely falling +locks, which she tried vainly to entrap. + +"An' yet you say she ain't classed as crazy? I'd say it of her, sure! +An' so old Morris is dead--burned in that old hotel! Well, well! Poor +old fellow! Dear old place! What times I've had!" + +She spoke through a mouthful of gilt hairpins and her voice was as an +AEolian harp. + +"An' he burned in it--an' she's a widow yet! Yes, I did hear there'd +been a fire, but you never can tell. I thought the chimney might 'a' +burned out--an' I was in the thick of bein' engaged to the night clerk +at the Singin' Needles Hotel at Pineville at the time--an' there's no +regular mail there. I thought the story might be exaggerated. Oh no, I +didn't marry the night clerk. I'm a bride now, married to the head +steward, same rank as poor old Morris--an' we're just _as_ happy! I used +to pleg Morris about _her_ hair, but I'd have to let up on that now. +Mine's as red again as hers. No, not my hair--_mine's_ hair. It's as red +as a flannen drawer, every bit an' grain! + +"But, say," she added, presently, "when she gets better, just tell her +never mind about that reci-pe. I copied it out of her reci-pe book +whilst she was under the weather, an' dropped a dime in her cash-drawer. +I recollect how old Morris used to look forward to her angel-cakes +week-ends he'd be goin' home, an' you know there's nothin' like havin' +ammunition, in marriage, even if you never need it. Mine's in that frame +of mind now that transforms my gingerbread into angel-cake, but the time +may come when I'll have to beat my eggs to a fluff even for angel-cake, +so's not to have it taste like gingerbread to him. + +"Oh no, he's not with me this trip. I just run down for a lark to show +my folks my ring an' things, an' let 'em see it's really so. He give me +considerable jewelry. His First's taste run that way, an' they ain't no +children. + +"Yes, this amethyst is the weddin'-ring. I selected that on account of +him bein' a widower. It's the nearest I'd come to wearin' second +mournin' for a woman I can't exactly grieve after. The year not bein' up +is why he stayed home this trip. He didn't like to be seen traversin' +the same old haunts with Another till it _was_ up. I wouldn't wait +because, tell the truth, I was afraid. He ain't like a married man with +me about money yet, an' it's liable to seize him any day. He might say +that he couldn't afford the trip, or that we couldn't, which would +amount to the same thing. I rather liked him bein' a little ticklish +about goin' around with me for a while. It's one thing to do a thing an' +another to be brazen about it--it---- + +"But if she don't get better"--the reversion was to the Widow +Morris--"if she don't get her mind poor thing! there's a fine insane +asylum just out of Pineville, an' I'd like the best in the world to look +out for her. It would make an excuse for me to go in. They say they have +high old times there. Some days they let the inmates do 'most any old +thing that's harmless. They even give 'em unpoisonous paints an' let 'em +paint each other up. One man insisted he was a barber-pole an' ringed +himself accordingly, an' then another chased him around for a stick of +peppermint candy. Think of all that inside a close fence, an' a town so +dull an' news-hungry---- + +"Yes, they say Thursdays is paint days, an', of course, Fridays, they +are scrub days. They pass around turpentine an' hide the matches. But, +of course, Mis' Morris may get the better of it. 'Tain' every woman that +can stand widowin', an' sometimes them that has got the least out of +marriage will seem the most deprived to lose it--so they say." + +The blonde was a person of words. + + * * * * * + +When Mrs. Morris had fully revived and, after a restoring "night's +sleep" had got her bearings, and when she realized clearly that her +supposed rival had actually shown up in the flesh, she visibly braced +up. Her neighbors understood that it must have been a shock "to be +suddenly confronted with any souvenir of the hotel fire"--so one had +expressed it--and the incident soon passed out of the village mind. + +It was not long after this incident that the widow confided to a friend +that she was coming to depend upon Morris for advice in her business. + +"Standing as he does, in that hotel door--between two worlds, as you +might say--why, he sees both ways, and oftentimes he'll detect an event +_on the way to happening_, an' if it don't move too fast, why, I can +hustle an' get the better of things." It was as if she had a private +wire for advance information--and she declared herself happy. + +Indeed, a certain ineffable light such as we sometimes see in the eyes +of those newly in love came to shine from the face of the widow, who did +not hesitate to affirm, looking into space as she said it: + +"Takin' all things into consideration, I can truly say that I have never +been so truly and ideely married as since my widowhood." And she smiled +as she added: + +"Marriage, the earthly way, is vicissitudinous, for everybody knows that +anything is liable to happen to a man at large." + +There had been a time when she lamented that her picture was not +"life-sized" as it would seem so much more natural, but she immediately +reflected that that hotel would never have gotten into her little house, +and that, after all, the main thing was having "him" under her own roof. + +As the months passed Mrs. Morris, albeit she seemed serene and of +peaceful mind, grew very white and still. Fire is white in its ultimate +intensity. The top, spinning its fastest, is said to "sleep"--and the +dancing dervish is "still." So, misleading signs sometimes mark the +danger-line. + +"Under-eating and over-thinking" was what the doctor said while he felt +her translucent wrist and prescribed nails in her drinking-water. If he +secretly knew that kind nature was gently letting down the bars so that +a waiting spirit might easily pass--well, he was a doctor, not a +minister. His business was with the body, and he ordered repairs. + +She was only thirty-seven and "well" when she passed painlessly out of +life. It seemed to be simply a case of going. + +There were several friends at her bedside the night she went, and to +them she turned, feeling the time come: + +"I just wanted to give out that the first thing I intend to do when I'm +relieved is to call by there for Morris"--she lifted her weary eyes to +the picture as she spoke--"for Morris--and I want it understood that +it'll be a vacant house from the minute I depart. So, if there's any +other woman that's calculatin' to have any carryin's-on from them +windows--why, she'll be disappointed--she or they. The one obnoxious +person I thought was in it _wasn't_. My imagination was tempted of Satan +an' I was misled. So it must be sold for just what it is--just a +photographer's photograph. If it's a picture with a past, why, everybody +knows what that past is, and will respect it. I have tried to conquer +myself enough to bequeath it to the young lady I suspicioned, but human +nature is frail, an' I can't quite do it, although doubtless she would +like it as a souvenir. Maybe she'd find it a little too souvenirish to +suit my wifely taste, and yet--if a person is going to die---- + +"I suppose I might legate it to her, partly to recompense her for her +discretion in leaving that hotel when she did--an' partly for undue +suspicion---- + +"There's a few debts to be paid, but there's eggs an' things that'll pay +them, an' there's no need to have the hen settin' in the window showcase +any longer. It was a good advertisement, but I've often thought it +might be embarrassin' to her." She was growing weaker, but she roused +herself to amend: + +"Better raffle the picture for a dollar a chance an' let the proceeds go +to my funeral--an' I want to be buried in the hotel-fire general grave, +commingled with him--an' what's left over after the debts are paid, I +bequeath to _her_--to make amends--an' if she don't care to come for it, +let every widow in town draw for it. But she'll come. 'Most any woman'll +take any trip, if it's paid for--But look!" she raised her eyes +excitedly toward the mantel, "Look! What's that he's wavin'? It +looks--oh yes, it is--it's our wings--two pairs--mine a little smaller. +I s'pose it'll be the same old story--I'll never be able to keep up--to +keep up with him--an' I've been so hap---- + +"Yes, Morris--I'm comin'----" + +And she was gone--into a peaceful sleep from which she easily passed +just before dawn. + +When all was well over, the sitting women rose with one accord and went +to the mantel, where one even lighted an extra candle more clearly to +scan the mysterious picture. + +Finally one said: + +"You may think I'm queer, but it does look different to me already!" + +"So it does," said another, taking the candle. "Like a house for rent. I +declare, it gives me the cold shivers." + +"I'll pay my dollar gladly, and take a chance for it," whispered a +third, "but I wouldn't let such a thing as that enter my happy home----" + +"Neither would I!" + +"Nor me, neither. I've had trouble enough. My husband's first wife's +portrait has brought me discord enough--an' it was a straight likeness. +I don't want any more pictures to put in the hen-house loft." + +So the feeling ran among the wives. + +"Well," said she who was blowing out the candle, "I'll draw for it--an' +take it if I win it, an' consider it a sort of inheritance. I never +inherited anything but indigestion." + +The last speaker was a maiden lady, and so was she who answered, +chuckling: + +"That's what I say! Anything for a change. There'd be some excitement in +a picture where a man was liable to show up. It's more than I've got +now. I do declare it's just scandalous the way we're gigglin', an' the +poor soul hardly out o' hearin'. She had a kind heart, Mis' Morris had, +an' she made herself happy with a mighty slim chance----" + +"Yes, she did--and I only wish there'd been a better man waitin' for her +in that hotel." + + + + +THE GHOST THAT GOT THE BUTTON + +BY WILL ADAMS + +From _Collier's Weekly_, May 24, 1913. By permission of _Collier's +Weekly_ and Will Adams. + + + + +The Ghost that Got the Button + +BY WILL ADAMS + + +One autumn evening, when the days were shortening and the darkness fell +early on Hotchkiss and the frost was beginning to adorn with its fine +glistening lace the carbine barrels of the night sentries as they walked +post, Sergeants Hansen and Whitney and Corporal Whitehall had come to +Stone's room after supper, feeling the need common to all men in the +first cold nights of the year for a cozy room, a good smoke, and +congenial companionship. + +The steam heat, newly turned on, wheezed and whined through the +radiator: the air was blue and dense with tobacco smoke; the three +sergeants reposed in restful, if inelegant attitudes, and Whitehall, his +feet on the window sill and his wooden chair tilted back, was holding +forth between puffs at a very battered pipe about an old colored woman +who kept a little saloon in town. + +"So she got mad at those K troop men," he said. "An' nex' day when +Turner stopped there for a drink she says: 'You git outer yere! You men +fum de Arsenic wid de crossbones on you caps, I ain't lettin' you in; +but de Medical Corpses an' de Non-efficient Officers, dey may come.'" + +The laugh that followed was interrupted by the approach of a raucous, +shrieking noise that rose and fell in lugubrious cadence. "What the +deuce!" exclaimed Whitehall, starting up. + +"That's Bill," explained Stone. "Bill Sullivan. He thinks he's singin'. +Funny you never heard him before, Kid, but then he's not often taken +that way, thank the Lord." + +"Come in, Bill," he called, "an' tell us what's the matter. Feel sick? +Where's the pain?" he asked as big Bill appeared in the doorway. + +"Come in, hombre, an' rest yo'self," invited Whitney, and hospitably +handed over his tobacco-pouch. "What was that tune yo'all were singin' +out yonder?" + +"Thanks," responded Bill, settling down. "That there tune was 'I Wonder +Where You Are To-night, My Love.'" + +"Sounded like 'Sister's Teeth Are Plugged with Zinc,'" commented +Whitney. + +"Or 'Lookin' Through the Knot Hole in Papa's Wooden Leg,'" said +Whitehall. + +"Or 'He Won't Buy the Ashman a Manicure Set,'" added Stone. + +"No," reiterated Bill solemnly. "It was like I told yer; 'I Wonder Where +You Are To-night, My Love,' and it's a corker, too! I seen a feller an' +a goil sing it in Kelly's Voddyville Palace out ter Cheyenne onct. Foist +he'd sing one voise an' then she'd sing the nex'. He was dressed like a +soldier, an' while he sang they was showin' tabloids o' what the goil +was a-doin' behind him; an' then when she sang her voise he'd be in the +tabloid, an' when it got ter the last voise, an' he was dyin' on a +stretcher in a ambulance, everybody in the house was a-cryin' so yer +could hardly hear her. It was great! My!" continued Bill, spreading out +his great paws over the radiator, "ain't this the snappy evenin'? Real +cold. Somehow it 'minds me of the cold we had in China that time of the +Boxers, after we'd got ter the Legations; the nights was cold just like +this is." + +"Why, Bill," said Whitney, "I never knew yo'all were there then. Why did +yo' never tell us befo'? What were yo' with?" + +"Fourteenth Infantry," responded Bill proudly. "It's a great ol' +regiment--don't care if they _are_ doughboys." + +"What company was you in?" inquired Hansen, ponderously taking his pipe +from his mouth and breaking silence for the first time. + +"J Company, same as this." + +At this reply Stone opened his mouth abruptly to say something, but +thought better of it and shut up again. + +"It was blame cold them nights a week or so after we was camped in the +Temple of Agriculture (that's what they called it--I dunno why), but +say! the heat comin' up from Tientsin was fryin'! It was jus' boilin', +bakin', an' bubblin'--worse a heap than anythin' we'd had in the +islands. We chucked away mos' every last thing on that hike but canteens +an' rifles. It was a darn fool thing ter do--the chuckin' was, o' +course--but it come out all right, 'cause extree supplies follered us up +on the Pie-ho in junks. Ain't that a funny name fer a river? Pie-ho? +Every time I got homesick I'd say that river, an' then I'd see Hogan's +Dairy Lunch fer Ladies an' Gents on the ol' Bowery an' hear the kid Mick +Hogan yellin': 'Draw one in the dark! White wings--let her flop! +Pie-ho!' an' it helped me a heap." Bill settled himself and stretched. + +"But what I really wanted to tell youse about," said he, "was somepin' +that happened one o' these here cold nights. It gits almighty cold there +in September, an' it was sure the spookiest show I ever seen. Even Marm +Haggerty's table rappin's in Hester Street never come up to it. + +"There was three of us fellers who ran in a bunch them days: me an' Buck +Dugan, my bunkie, from the Bowery like me (he was a corporal), an' Ranch +Fields--we called him that 'cause he always woiked on a ranch before he +come into the Fourteenth. They was great fellers, Buck an' Ranch was. +Buck, now--yer couldn't phase him, yer couldn't never phase him, no +matter what sort o' job yer put him up against he'd slide through slick +as a greased rat. The Cap'n, he knew it, too. Onct when we was fightin' +an' hadn't no men to spare, he lef' Buck on guard over about +twenty-five Boxer prisoners in a courtyard an' tells him he dassent let +one escape. But Buck wants ter git into the fight with the rest of the +boys, an' when he finds that if he leaves them Chinos loose in the yard +alone they'll git out plenty quick, what does he do but tie 'em tight up +by their pigtails to some posts. He knows they can't undo them tight +knots backwards, an' no Chink would cut his pigtail if he _did_ have a +knife--he'd die foist--an' so Buck skidoos off to the fight, an', sure +enough, when the Cap'n wants them Boxers, they're ready, tied up an' +waitin'. That was his sort, an', gee, but he was smart! + +"We was all right int'rested in them Allies, o' course, an' watched 'em +clost; but, 'Bill,' says Buck ter me one night, 'its been woikin in me +nut that these here fellers ain't so different from what we know +a'ready. Excep' fer their uniform an' outfits, we've met 'em all before +but the Japs. Why, look a-here,' says he, 'foist, there's the white +men--the English--ain't they jus' like us excep' that they're thicker +an' we're longer? An' their Injun niggers--ain't we seen their clothes +in the comic op'ras an' them without their clothes in the monkey cage at +Central Park? An' their Hong-kong China Regiment an' all the other +Chinos is jus' the same as yer meet in the pipe joints in Mott Street. +Then,' says he, 'come all the Dagos. These leather necks of Macaroni +Dagos we've seen a swarmin' all over Mulberry Bend an' Five Points; the +Sauerkraut Dagos looks fer all the woild like they was goin' ter a +Schuetzenfest up by High Bridge; the Froggie Dagos you'll find packed in +them Frenchy restaraws in the Thirties--where yer git blue wine--and +them Vodki Dagos only needs a pushcart ter make yer think yer in Baxter +Street.' + +"Buck, he could sure talk, but Ranch, he wasn't much on chin-chin. +Little an' dark an' quiet he was, an' jus' crazy fer dogs. Any old +mutt'd do fer him--jus' so's it was in the shape of a pup. He was fair +wild fer 'em. He picked up a yeller cur out there the day after the +Yangtsin fight, an' that there no-account, mangy, flea-bitten mutt had +ter stay with us the whole time. If the pup didn't stand in me an' Buck +an' Ranch, he swore he'd quit too, so we had to let him come, an' he +messed an' bunked with our outfit right along. Ranch named him Daggett, +after the Colonel, which was right hard on the C. O., but I bet Ranch +thought he was complimentin' him. Why, Ranch considered himself honored +if any of the pup's fleas hopped off on him. The pup he kep' along with +us right through everything; Ranch watchin' him like the apple of his +eye, an' he hardly ever was out of our sight, till one night about a +week after we quartered in the temple he didn't turn up fer supper. He +was always so reg'lar at his chow that Ranch he begin ter git the +squirms an' when come taps an' Daggett hadn't reported, Ranch had the +razzle-dazzles. + +"Nex' mornin' the foist thing he must go hunt that pup, an' went a +scoutin' all day, me an' Buck helpin' him--but nary pup; an' come +another supper without that miser'ble mutt, an' Ranch was up an alley +all right, all right. He was all wore out, an' I made him hit the bunk +early an' try ter sleep; but, Lord! No sooner he'd drop off 'n he git +ter twitchin' an' hitchin' an' wake up a-yelpin' fer Daggett. Long about +taps, Buck, who's been out on a private reconnoissance, comes back an' +whispers ter me: 'Ssst, Bill! The cur's found! Don't tell Ranch; the +bloke'd die of heart failure. I struck his trail an' follered it--an' +say, Bill, what'n thunder do yer think? Them heathen Chinos has _et +him_!' Lord, now, wouldn't that jolt youse? Them Chinos a-eatin' +Daggett! It give me an awful jar, an' Buck he felt it, too. That there +mutt had acted right decent, an' we knew Ranch would have bats in the +belfry fer fair if he hoid tell o' the pup's finish; so says Buck; +'Let's not tell him, 'cause he's takin' on now like he'd lost mother an' +father an' best goil an' all, an' if he knew Daggett was providin' chow +fer Chinos he'd go clean bug house an' we'd have ter ship him home ter +St. Elizabeth.' + +"I says O. K. ter that, an' we made it up not ter let on ter Ranch; an' +now here comes the spook part yer been a-waitin' fer. + +"Four or five nights later I was on guard, an' my post was the farthest +out we had on the north. There was an ol' road out over that way, an' +I'd hoid tell it led ter a ol' graveyard, but I hadn't never been there +myself an' hadn't thought much about it till 'long between two an' +three o'clock, as I was a-hikin' up an down, when somepin' comes +a-zizzin' down the road hell-fer-leather on to me, a-yellin' somepin' +fierce. Gee, but I was skeered! I made sure it was a spook, an' there +wasn't a bit o' breath left in me. I was all to the bad that time fer +sure. Before I had time ter think even, that screamin', streakin' thing +was on me an a-grabbin' roun' my knees; an' then I see it was one o' +them near-Christian Chinos, an' he's skeered more'n me even. His eyes +had popped clean out'n their slits, an' his tongue was hangin' out by +the roots, he was that locoed. I raised the long yell fer corporal of +the guard, which happened, by good luck, ter be Buck, an' when he come +a-runnin', thinkin' from the whoops I give we was bein' rushed by the +hole push of Boxers, the two of us began proddin' at the Chink ter find +out what was doin'. Took us some time, too, with him bein' in such a +flutter an' hardly able ter even hand out his darn ol' pigeon English, +that sounds like language comin' out of a sausage machine. When we did +savvy his line of chop-suey talk, we found out he'd seen a ghost in the +graveyard, an' not only seen it but he knew who the spook was an' all +about him. We was gittin' some serious ourselves an' made him tell us. + +"Seems it was a mandarin--that's a sort o' Chink police-court judge +(till I got ter Tientsin I always thought they was little oranges), an' +this tangerine's--I mean mandarin's--name was Wu Ti Ming, an' he'd been +a high mucky-muckraker in his day, which was two or three hundred years +back. But the Emprer caught him deep in some sort o' graft an' _took +away his button_ an' all o' his dough. + +"'Lord!' says Buck when we come ter this, 'don't that prove what +heathens Chinks is? Only one button ter keep on their clothes with, an' +the Emprer he kin take it away! What did this here Judge Ming do then, +John? Use string or pins?' This here John didn't seem ter savvy, but he +said that the mandarin took on so fer his button an' his loss of pull in +the ward that it was sure sad ter see, an' by an' by the Emprer got busy +again with him an' had him finished up fer keeps; had him die the 'death +of a thousand cuts,' says John. It sounded fierce ter me, but Buck he +says: + +"'Pshaw! Anybody who's been shaved reg'lar by them lady barbers on +Fourth Avenyer would 'a' give the Emprer the merry ha-ha----' + +"After Ming was cut up they took the remains of his corpse an' planted +him in this here graveyard up the road; but he wouldn't stay planted an' +began doin' stunts at night, 'topside walkee-walkee' an' a-huntin' fer +his lost button. He'd used ter have the whole country scared up, but fer +the last twenty years he'd kep' right quiet an' had hardly ever come +out; but now sence the foreign devils come (ain't that a sweet name fer +us?) he's up an' at it again worse than ever, an' the heathens is on +their ear. Fer four nights now they'd seen him, wrapped in a blue robe, +waitin' an' a-huntin' behind tombstones an' walkin' round an' round the +graveyard lie a six days' race fer the belt at Madison Square. John had +jus' seen him on the wall, an' that was why he come chargin' down the +road like forty cats. + +"'Will Mr. Ming's sperrit walk till he gits that button back?' Buck +asts. John says: 'Sure.' + +"'Well,' says Buck, 'why don't yer give him one?' + +"'No can give. Only Emplor, only Son of Heaven give.' + +"'Well, look here,' says Buck, 'we sand rabbits ain't no sons of Heaven, +but I'll be darned if we couldn't spare a button ter lay the ghost of a +pore busted police-court judge, who's lost his job an' his tin, if +_that's_ all he wants back. What time does he come out at, John? Could +we see him ter-morrer night?' 'Sure could we,' says John; 'he'll show us +the way, but he won't wait with us; he's bad enough fer his.' + +"So Buck takes John an' goes back ter the guard shack, as it's most time +fer relief, an' after I got back we told John ter git the hook, an' we +talked things over, an' Buck he was just wild ter see if he couldn't lay +that Chino ghost. His talents was achin' ter git action on him; anythin' +like that got up his spunk. Says I: + +"'Maybe Ranch kin help. We'll tell him ter-morrer after guard mount. +It'll take his mind off Daggett.' + +"'No, yer don't,' says Buck. 'Don't yer dare tell him. He's nervous as a +cat over the pup as it is, an' this spook business is awful skeery; I'm +feelin' woozy over it meself. I'm all off when it comes ter ghosts--that +is, if it's a real ghost. And things here in Pekin' is so funny the odds +is all in favor of its bein' the sure thing. I ain't afeard o' no kinds +o' people, but I sure git cold feet when I'm up against a ghost. +Wouldn't that jar youse? An' me a soldier; when it's a soldier's whole +business not ter _git_ cold feet. But I'm bound I'll have a show at that +ol' spook even if it _does_ skeer me out o' my growth. Only don't yer +dare tell Ranch.' + +"Nex' night, right after eleven o'clock rounds, me an' Buck slipped +outer our blankets, sneaked out past the guard, an' met John, who was +waitin' fer us in the road jus' beyond where the last sentry woulder +seen him. It was cold as git out. Jus' the same kind o' early cold as +to-night, an' John's teeth was chatterin' like peas in a box--he was +some loco with skeer, too, you bet. + +"'Which way?' says Buck, an' John spouts a lot o' dope-joint lingo an' +takes us up a side alley, where there's a whole bunch o' Chinos waitin' +fer us, an' they begun a kowtowin' an' goin' on like we was the whole +cheese. Turned out that John had jollied 'em that the Melican soldier +mans was big medicine an' would make Judge Ming quit the midnight hike +an' cut out scarin' 'em blue. That jus' suited Buck; he was all there +when it come ter play commander in chief. He swelled up an' give 'em a +bundle o' talk that John put in Chino fer 'em, an' then finished up by +showin' 'em a button--a ol' United States Army brass button he'd cut off +his blue blouse--an' tol' 'em he was goin' ter bury it in Ming's grave +so as ter keep him bedded down. + +"An' them simple idiots was pleased ter death, an' the whole outfit +escorted us over ter the graveyard, but they shied at the gate (Lord, I +hated ter see 'em go--even if they _was_ heathens!), an' let John take +us in an' show us where ter wait. He put us in behind a pile o' little +rocks in about the middle o' the place near where Judge Ming hung out, +an' then retired on the main body at the double, leavin' us two in +outpost alone there together. I hadn't never been ter a Chino buryin' +ground before, an' night time wasn't extree pleasant fer a foist +introduce. There was a new moon that night--a little shavin' of a thing +that hardly gave no light, an' from where we was there was a twisty pine +tree branch that struck out right acrost it like a picture card--two fer +five. The graveyard was all dark an' quiet, with little piles o' rocks +an' stone tables ter mark the graves, an' a four- or five-foot wall +runnin' all round it; an' somehow, without nothin' stirrin' at all, the +whole blame place seemed chock full o' movin' shadders. There wasn't a +sound neither; not the least little thing; jus' them shadders; an' the +harder yous'd look at 'em the more they seemed ter move. It was cold, +too, like I told yer--bitin' cold--an' me an' Buck squatted there tight +together an' mos' friz. We waited, an' we waited, an' _we waited_, an' +we got skeerder, an' skeerder, an' _skeerder_, an', gee! how we +shivered! Every minute we thought we'd see Judge Ming, but a long time +went by an' he didn't come an' he _didn't_ come. There we set, strung up +tight an' ready ter snap like a banjo string, but nothin' ter see but +the shakin' shadders an' nothin' ter hear--nothin' but jus' dead, dead +silence. + +"All of a suddent Buck (he kin hear a pin drop a mile away) nearly nips +a piece out'n my arm as he grips me. 'Listen!' says he. + +"I listened an' listened, but I didn't hear nothin', an' I told him so. + +"'Yes, yer do, yer bloke yer,' he whispers, 'Listen. Strain your years.' + +"Then way off I did begin ter hear somepin'. It was a long, funny, waily +cry, sort o' like the way cats holler at each other at night. 'Oh-oo-oo, +oh-oo-oo!' like that, an' it come nearer an' nearer. Then all of a +suddent somepin' popped up on the graveyard wall about a hundred yards +away--somepin' all blue-gray against the hook o' the moon--an' began +walkin' up an' down an' hollerin'. I knew it was sayin' words, but I was +so far to the bad I didn't know nothin' an' couldn't make it out. I +never thought a feller's heart could bang so hard against his ribs +without bustin' out, an' me hair riz so high me campaign hat was three +inches off'n me head. I hope ter the Lord I'll never be so frightened +again in all my livin' days. I set there in a transom from fear an' friz +ter the spot. I don't know nothin' o' what Buck was doin', as my lamps +was glued ter the spook. It jumped down from the wall, callin' an' +whistlin' an' begin runnin' round the little stone heaps. I seen it was +comin' our way, but I couldn't move or make a sound; I jus' set. All of +a suddent Buck he jumps up an' makes a dash an' a leap at the spook, an' +there's a terrible yellin' an' they both comes down crash at the foot of +a rock pile, rollin' on the little pebbles; but Buck is on top an' the +spook underneath an' lettin' off the most awful screeches. Gosh, they +jus' ripped the air, them spooks' yells did, an' they turned my spell +loose an' I howled fer all I was worth. Then Buck, he commenced +a-yawpin' too, but me an' the spook we was both raisin' so much noise I +didn't savvy what he said fer some time. Then I found he was cussin' me +out. + +"'Come here, you forsaken ---- ----,' he howls. 'Quit yellin'! I say _quit +yellin'_! Don't yer see who this is? Come here an' help me.' + +"'You think I'm goin' ter tech that Ming spook?' I shrieks. + +"'You miser'ble loony,' he yells back, 'can't yer see it ain't no Ming? +It's Ranch!' + +"Well, so it was. It was Ranch skeered stiff an' hollerin' fer dear life +at bein' jumped on an' waked up in the middle of a graveyard that-a-way. +Pore ol' feller had had Daggett on his mind, an' went sleepwalkin' an' +huntin' wrapped in his blanket. + +"'An',' says Buck ter me, 'if youse hadn't been in such a dope dream +with skeer, you'd 'a' sensed what he was a-yellin'. He was callin' +"Oh-oo-oo, oh-oo-oo, here Daggett! Here, boy!" an' then he'd whistle an' +call again: "Here, Daggett! Here, Daggett!" That's how I knew it was +Ranch; an', besides, he told me onct that he sleepwalked when he got +worried. But you, you white livered--' an' then he cussed me out some +more. + +"'Smarty,' I says, 'if yer knew so blame well it was Ranch, why did yer +give him the flyin' tackle like yer done an' git him all woiked up like +this?' + +"'Well,' says Buck sort o' sheepy, 'I was some woiked up meself, an' +time he come along I give him the spook's tackle without thinkin'; I was +too skeered ter think. Hush, Ranch. Hush, old boy. It's jus' me'n Bill. +Nobody shan't hoit yer.' + +"We comforted pore ol' Ranch an' fixed him up, an' then when he felt +better told him about things--all but how Daggett was et--an' I wrapped +his blanket around him an' took him back ter quarters while Buck went +a-lookin' fer John an' his gang. + +"He found 'em about half a mile off, in front of a Mott Street joss +house, all prayin' an' burnin' punk an' huddled together, skeered green +from the yellin's they'd heard. Buck, he give 'em a long chin-chin about +layin' the ghost, an' how Judge Ming wouldn't never come back no more; +an' then he dragged 'em all back (they pullin' at the halter shanks with +years laid back an' eyes rollin'), ter him bury his United States button +on Ming's rock pile. He dropped it in solemn, an' said what the Chinks +took ter be a prayer; but it was really the oath he said. Buck havin' +onct been a recruitin' sergeant, knew it by heart all the way from 'I do +solemnly swear' ter 'so help me, Gawd.' Buck says I oughter seen them +grateful Chinos then: they'd 'a' give him the whole Chino Umpire if they +could. They got down an' squirmed an' kissed his hands an' his feet an' +his sleeve. They wanted ter escort him back ter camp, but he bucked at +that, an' said no, as he was out without pass an' not itchin' fer his +arrival ter be noticed none. + +"After that we took toins watchin' Ranch at night, an' got him another +mutt ter love, an' he didn't wander any more, so Judge Ming seemed +satisfied with his United States button, an' kep' quiet. But them Chinks +was the gratefullest gang yer ever seen. They brought us presents; +things ter eat--fruit, poultry, eggs, an' all sorts of chow, some of it +mighty funny lookin', but it tasted all right; we lived high, we three. +The other fellers was wild ter know how we woiked it. An' I tell yer I +ain't never been skeered o' ghosts sence--that is, not ter speak +of--_much_!" + +Bill, paused, drew a long breath, and looked at the clock. "Gee!" said +he, "most nine o'clock. I got ter go over ter K troop ter see Sergeant +Keefe a minute--I promised him. Adios, fellers. Thanks fer the smokin'." + +"Keep the change, hombre. Thanks for yo' tale," shouted Whitney after +him as he disappeared down the hall. + +"Well!!" said Stone, and looked at Hansen. + +"Well!!" responded Hansen. The big Swede shook with laughter. "Iss he +not the finest liar! Yess? I wass in the Fourteenth myselluf. That wass +my company--Chay. He wass not even the army in then--in nineteen +hund'erd." + +"Yes," said Stone, "I knew, but I wasn't goin' to spoil his bloomin' +yarn. I happened to see his enlistment card only this mornin', and the +only thing he was ever in before was the Twenty-third Infantry after +they came back from the Islands. He's never even been out of the +States." + +"But where did he get it from?" asked Whitney. "His imagination is equal +to most anything but gettin' so many facts straight. Of co'se I noticed +things yere an' there--but the most of it was O. K." + +"I tell you," said Hansen, grinning, "he got it from an old Fourteenth +man--Dan Powerss--at practice camp last Chuly. He an' I wass often +talking of China. He wuss in my old company an' wass then telling me how +he an' the other fellerss all that extra chow got. I tank Bill he hass a +goot memory." + +"But the nerve of him!" cried Whitehall, "tryin' ter pass that off on us +with Hansen sittin' right there." + +"It iss one thing he may have forgot," smiled Hansen. + +"Well, who cares anyway?" said Stone. "It was a blame good story. An' +now clear out, all of you. I want to hit the bunk. Reveille does seem to +come so early these cold mornin's. Gee! I wish I knew of some kind of +button that would keep _me_ lyin' down when Shorty wants me to get up +an' call the roll." + + + + +THE SPECTER BRIDEGROOM + +BY WASHINGTON IRVING + + + + +The Specter Bridegroom + +A TRAVELER'S TALE[2] + +BY WASHINGTON IRVING + + He that supper for is dight, + He lyes full cold, I trow, this night! + Yestreen to chamber I him led, + This night Gray-Steel has made his bed. + SIR EGER, SIR GRAHAME, AND SIR GRAY-STEEL. + + +On the summit of one of the heights of the Odenwald, a wild and romantic +tract of Upper Germany, that lies not far from the confluence of the +Main and the Rhine, there stood, many, many years since, the Castle of +the Baron Von Landshort. It is now quite fallen to decay, and almost +buried among beech trees and dark firs; above which, however, its old +watch tower may still be seen, struggling, like the former possessor I +have mentioned, to carry a high head, and look down upon the neighboring +country. + +The baron was a dry branch of the great family of Katzenellenbogen,[3] +and inherited the relics of the property, and all the pride of his +ancestors. Though the warlike disposition of his predecessors had much +impaired the family possessions, yet the baron still endeavored to keep +up some show of former state. The times were peaceable, and the German +nobles, in general, had abandoned their inconvenient old castles, +perched like eagles' nests among the mountains, and had built more +convenient residences in the valleys; still the baron remained proudly +drawn up in his little fortress, cherishing with hereditary inveteracy, +all the old family feuds; so that he was on ill terms with some of his +nearest neighbors, on account of disputes that had happened between +their great-great-grandfathers. + +The baron had but one child, a daughter; but nature, when she grants but +one child, always compensates by making it a prodigy; and so it was with +the daughter of the baron. All the nurses, gossips, and country cousins +assured her father that she had not her equal for beauty in all Germany; +and who should know better than they? She had, moreover, been brought up +with great care under the superintendence of two maiden aunts, who had +spent some years of their early life at one of the little German +courts, and were skilled in all branches of knowledge necessary to the +education of a fine lady. Under their instructions she became a miracle +of accomplishments. By the time she was eighteen, she could embroider to +admiration, and had worked whole histories of the saints in tapestry, +with such strength of expression in their countenances, that they looked +like so many souls in purgatory. She could read without great +difficulty, and had spelled her way through several church legends, and +almost all the chivalric wonders of the Heldenbuch. She had even made +considerable proficiency in writing; could sign her own name without +missing a letter, and so legibly, that her aunts could read it without +spectacles. She excelled in making little elegant good-for-nothing +lady-like nicknacks of all kinds; was versed in the most abstruse +dancing of the day; played a number of airs on the harp and guitar; and +knew all the tender ballads of the Minnelieders by heart. + +Her aunts, too, having been great flirts and coquettes in their younger +days, were admirably calculated to be vigilant guardians and strict +censors of the conduct of their niece; for there is no duenna so rigidly +prudent, and inexorably decorous, as a superannuated coquette. She was +rarely suffered out of their sight; never went beyond the domains of the +castle, unless well attended, or rather well watched; had continual +lectures read to her about strict decorum and implicit obedience; and, +as to the men--pah!--she was taught to hold them at such a distance, and +in such absolute distrust, that, unless properly authorized, she would +not have cast a glance upon the handsomest cavalier in the world--no, +not if he were even dying at her feet. + +The good effects of this system were wonderfully apparent. The young +lady was a pattern of docility and correctness. While others were +wasting their sweetness in the glare of the world, and liable to be +plucked and thrown aside by every hand, she was coyly blooming into +fresh and lovely womanhood under the protection of those immaculate +spinsters, like a rosebud blushing forth among guardian thorns. Her +aunts looked upon her with pride and exultation, and vaunted that though +all the other young ladies in the world might go astray, yet, thank +Heaven, nothing of the kind could happen to the heiress of +Katzenellenbogen. + +But, however scantily the Baron Von Landshort might be provided with +children, his household was by no means a small one; for Providence had +enriched him with abundance of poor relations. They, one and all, +possessed the affectionate disposition common to humble relatives; were +wonderfully attached to the baron, and took every possible occasion to +come in swarms and enliven the castle. All family festivals were +commemorated by these good people at the baron's expense; and when they +were filled with good cheer, they would declare that there was nothing +on earth so delightful as these family meetings, these jubilees of the +heart. + +The baron, though a small man, had a large soul, and it swelled with +satisfaction at the consciousness of being the greatest man in the +little world about him. He loved to tell long stories about the dark old +warriors whose portraits looked grimly down from the walls around, and +he found no listeners equal to those that fed at his expense. He was +much given to the marvelous, and a firm believer in all those +supernatural tales with which every mountain and valley in Germany +abounds. The faith of his guests exceeded even his own: they listened to +every tale of wonder with open eyes and mouth, and never failed to be +astonished, even though repeated for the hundredth time. Thus lived the +Baron Von Landshort, the oracle of his table, the absolute monarch of +his little territory, and happy, above all things, in the persuasion +that he was the wisest man of the age. + +At the time of which my story treats, there was a great family gathering +at the castle, on an affair of the utmost importance: it was to receive +the destined bridegroom of the baron's daughter. A negotiation had been +carried on between the father and an old nobleman of Bavaria, to unite +the dignity of their houses by the marriage of their children. The +preliminaries had been conducted with proper punctilio. The young people +were betrothed without seeing each other, and the time was appointed for +the marriage ceremony. The young Count Von Altenburg had been recalled +from the army for the purpose, and was actually on his way to the +baron's to receive his bride. Missives had even been received from him +from Wurtzburg, where he was accidentally detained, mentioning the day +and hour when he might be expected to arrive. + +The castle was in a tumult of preparation to give him a suitable +welcome. The fair bride had been decked out with uncommon care. The two +aunts had superintended her toilet, and quarreled the whole morning +about every article of her dress. The young lady had taken advantage of +their contest to follow the bent of her own taste; and fortunately it +was a good one. She looked as lovely as youthful bridegroom could +desire; and the flutter of expectation heightened the luster of her +charms. + +The suffusions that mantled her face and neck, the gentle heaving of the +bosom, the eye now and then lost in reverie, all betrayed the soft +tumult that was going on in her little heart. The aunts were continually +hovering around her; for maiden aunts are apt to take great interest in +affairs of this nature. They were giving her a world of staid counsel +how to deport herself, what to say, and in what manner to receive the +expected lover. + +The baron was no less busied in preparations. He had, in truth, nothing +exactly to do; but he was naturally a fuming bustling little man, and +could not remain passive when all the world was in a hurry. He worried +from top to bottom of the castle with an air of infinite anxiety; he +continually called the servants from their work to exhort them to be +diligent; and buzzed about every hall and chamber, as idly restless and +importunate as a blue-bottle fly on a warm summer's day. + +In the meantime the fatted calf had been killed; the forests had rung +with the clamor of the huntsmen; the kitchen was crowded with good +cheer; the cellars had yielded up whole oceans of _Rheinwein_ and +_Fernewein_; and even the great Heidelberg tun had been laid under +contribution. Everything was ready to receive the distinguished guest +with _Saus und Braus_ in the true spirit of German hospitality--but the +guest delayed to make his appearance. Hour rolled after hour. The sun, +that had poured his downward rays upon the rich forest of the Odenwald, +now just gleamed along the summits of the mountains. The baron mounted +the highest tower, and strained his eyes in hope of catching a distant +sight of the count and his attendants. Once he thought he beheld them; +the sounds of horns came floating from the valley, prolonged by the +mountain echoes. A number of horsemen were seen far below, slowly +advancing along the road; but when they had nearly reached the foot of +the mountain, they suddenly struck off in a different direction. The +last ray of sunshine departed--the bats began to flit by in the +twilight--the road grew dimmer and dimmer to the view; and nothing +appeared stirring in it but now and then a peasant lagging homeward +from his labor. + +While the old castle at Landshort was in this state of perplexity, a +very interesting scene was transacting in a different part of the +Odenwald. + +The young Count Von Altenburg was tranquilly pursuing his route in that +sober jog-trot way in which a man travels toward matrimony when his +friends have taken all the trouble and uncertainty of courtship off his +hands, and a bride is waiting for him, as certainly as a dinner at the +end of his journey. He had encountered at Wurtzburg a youthful companion +in arms with whom he had seen some service on the frontiers: Herman Von +Starkenfaust, one of the stoutest hands and worthiest hearts of German +chivalry, who was now returning from the army. His father's castle was +not far distant from the old fortress of Landshort, although an +hereditary feud rendered the families hostile, and strangers to each +other. + +In the warm-hearted moment of recognition, the young friends related all +their past adventures and fortunes, and the count gave the whole history +of his intended nuptials with a young lady whom he had never seen, but +of whose charms he had received the most enrapturing descriptions. + +As the route of the friends lay in the same direction, they agreed to +perform the rest of their journey together; and, that they might do it +the more leisurely, set off from Wurtzburg at an early hour, the count +having given directions for his retinue to follow and overtake him. + +They beguiled their wayfaring with recollections of their military +scenes and adventures; but the count was apt to be a little tedious, now +and then, about the reputed charms of his bride and the felicity that +awaited him. + +In this way they had entered among the mountains of the Odenwald, and +were traversing one of its most lonely and thickly wooded passes. It is +well known that the forests of Germany have always been as much infested +by robbers as its castles by specters; and at this time the former were +particularly numerous, from the hordes of disbanded soldiers wandering +about the country. It will not appear extraordinary, therefore, that the +cavaliers were attacked by a gang of these stragglers, in the midst of +the forest. They defended themselves with bravery, but were nearly +overpowered, when the count's retinue arrived to their assistance. At +sight of them the robbers fled, but not until the count had received a +mortal wound. He was slowly and carefully conveyed back to the city of +Wurtzburg, and a friar summoned from a neighboring convent who was +famous for his skill in administering to both soul and body; but half of +his skill was superfluous; the moments of the unfortunate count were +numbered. + +With his dying breath he entreated his friend to repair instantly to the +castle of Landshort, and explain the fatal cause of his not keeping his +appointment with his bride. Though not the most ardent of lovers, he +was one of the most punctilious of men, and appeared earnestly +solicitous that his mission should be speedily and courteously executed. +"Unless this is done," said he, "I shall not sleep quietly in my grave!" +He repeated these last words with peculiar solemnity. A request, at a +moment so impressive, admitted no hesitation. Starkenfaust endeavored to +soothe him to calmness; promised faithfully to execute his wish, and +gave him his hand in solemn pledge. The dying man pressed it in +acknowledgment, but soon lapsed into delirium--raved about his +bride--his engagements--his plighted word; ordered his horse, that he +might ride to the castle of Landshort; and expired in the fancied act of +vaulting into the saddle. + +Starkenfaust bestowed a sigh and a soldier's tear on the untimely fate +of his comrade, and then pondered on the awkward mission he had +undertaken. His heart was heavy, and his head perplexed; for he was to +present himself an unbidden guest among hostile people, and to damp +their festivity with tidings fatal to their hopes. Still, there were +certain whisperings of curiosity in his bosom to see this far-famed +beauty of Katzenellenbogen, so cautiously shut up from the world; for he +was a passionate admirer of the sex, and there was a dash of +eccentricity and enterprise in his character that made him fond of all +singular adventure. + +Previous to his departure he made all due arrangements with the holy +fraternity of the convent for the funeral solemnities of his friend, who +was to be buried in the cathedral of Wurtzburg near some of his +illustrious relatives; and the mourning retinue of the count took charge +of his remains. + +It is now high time that we should return to the ancient family of +Katzenellenbogen, who were impatient for their guest, and still more for +their dinner; and to the worthy little baron, whom we left airing +himself on the watch-tower. + +Night closed in, but still no guest arrived. The baron descended from +the tower in despair. The banquet, which had been delayed from hour to +hour, could no longer be postponed. The meats were already overdone; the +cook in an agony; and the whole household had the look of a garrison +that had been reduced by famine. The baron was obliged reluctantly to +give orders for the feast without the presence of the guest. All were +seated at table, and just on the point of commencing, when the sound of +a horn from without the gate gave notice of the approach of a stranger. +Another long blast filled the old courts of the castle with its echoes, +and was answered by the warder from the walls. The baron hastened to +receive his future son-in-law. + +The drawbridge had been let down, and the stranger was before the gate. +He was a tall, gallant cavalier mounted on a black steed. His +countenance was pale, but he had a beaming, romantic eye, and an air of +stately melancholy. + +The baron was a little mortified that he should have come in this +simple, solitary style. His dignity for a moment was ruffled, and he +felt disposed to consider it a want of proper respect for the important +occasion, and the important family with which he was to be connected. He +pacified himself, however, with the conclusion, that it must have been +youthful impatience which had induced him thus to spur on sooner than +his attendants. + +"I am sorry," said the stranger, "to break in upon you thus +unseasonably----" + +Here the baron interrupted with a world of compliments and greetings; +for, to tell the truth, he prided himself upon his courtesy and +eloquence. + +The stranger attempted, once or twice, to stem the torrent of words, but +in vain, so he bowed his head and suffered it to flow on. By the time +the baron had come to a pause, they had reached the inner court of the +castle; and the stranger was again about to speak, when he was once more +interrupted by the appearance of the female part of the family leading +forth the shrinking and blushing bride. He gazed on her for a moment as +one entranced; it seemed as if his whole soul beamed forth in the gaze, +and rested upon that lovely form. One of the maiden aunts whispered +something in her ear; she made an effort to speak; her moist blue eye +was timidly raised; gave a shy glance of inquiry on the stranger; and +was cast again to the ground. The words died away; but there was a +sweet smile playing about her lips, and a soft dimpling of the cheek +that showed her glance had not been unsatisfactory. It was impossible +for a girl of the fond age of eighteen, highly predisposed for love and +matrimony, not to be pleased with so gallant a cavalier. + +The late hour at which the guest had arrived left no time for parley. +The baron was peremptory, and deferred all particular conversation until +the morning, and led the way to the untasted banquet. + +It was served up in the great hall of the castle. Around the walls hung +the hard-favored portraits of the heroes of the house of +Katzenellenbogen, and the trophies which they had gained in the field +and in the chase. Hacked corselets, splintered jousting spears, and +tattered banners were mingled with the spoils of sylvan warfare; the +jaws of the wolf and the tusks of the boar grinned horribly among +cross-bows and battle-axes, and a huge pair of antlers branched +immediately over the head of the youthful bridegroom. + +The cavalier took but little notice of the company or the entertainment. +He scarcely tasted the banquet, but seemed absorbed in admiration of his +bride. He conversed in a low tone that could not be overheard--for the +language of love is never loud; but where is the female ear so dull that +it cannot catch the softest whisper of the lover? There was a mingled +tenderness and gravity in his manner, that appeared to have a powerful +effect upon the young lady. Her color came and went as she listened with +deep attention. Now and then she made some blushing reply, and when his +eye was turned away, she would steal a sidelong glance at his romantic +countenance and heave a gentle sigh of tender happiness. It was evident +that the young couple were completely enamored. The aunts, who were +deeply versed in the mysteries of the heart, declared that they had +fallen in love with each other at first sight. + +The feast went on merrily, or at least noisily, for the guests were all +blessed with those keen appetites that attend upon light purses and +mountain air. The baron told his best and longest stories, and never had +he told them so well, or with such great effect. If there was anything +marvelous, his auditors were lost in astonishment; and if anything +facetious, they were sure to laugh exactly in the right place. The +baron, it is true, like most great men, was too dignified to utter any +joke but a dull one; it was always enforced, however, by a bumper of +excellent Hockheimer; and even a dull joke, at one's own table, served +up with jolly old wine, is irresistible. Many good things were said by +poorer and keener wits that would not bear repeating, except on similar +occasions; many sly speeches whispered in ladies' ears, that almost +convulsed them with suppressed laughter; and a song or two roared out by +a poor, but merry and broad-faced cousin of the baron that absolutely +made the maiden aunts hold up their fans. + +Amidst all this revelry, the stranger guest maintained a most singular +and unseasonable gravity. His countenance assumed a deeper cast of +dejection as the evening advanced; and, strange as it may appear, even +the baron's jokes seemed only to render him the more melancholy. At +times he was lost in thought, and at times there was a perturbed and +restless wandering of the eye that bespoke a mind but ill at ease. His +conversations with the bride became more and more earnest and +mysterious. Lowering clouds began to steal over the fair serenity of her +brow, and tremors to run through her tender frame. + +All this could not escape the notice of the company. Their gayety was +chilled by the unaccountable gloom of the bridegroom; their spirits were +infected; whispers and glances were interchanged, accompanied by shrugs +and dubious shakes of the head. The song and the laugh grew less and +less frequent; there were dreary pauses in the conversation, which were +at length succeeded by wild tales and supernatural legends. One dismal +story produced another still more dismal, and the baron nearly +frightened some of the ladies into hysterics with the history of the +goblin horseman that carried away the fair Leonora; a dreadful story +which has since been put into excellent verse, and is read and believed +by all the world. + +The bridegroom listened to this tale with profound attention. He kept +his eyes steadily fixed on the baron, and, as the story drew to a close, +began gradually to rise from his seat, growing taller and taller, until, +in the baron's entranced eye, he seemed almost to tower into a giant. +The moment the tale was finished, he heaved a deep sigh and took a +solemn farewell of the company. They were all amazement. The baron was +perfectly thunder-struck. + +"What! going to leave the castle at midnight? Why, everything was +prepared for his reception; a chamber was ready for him if he wished to +retire." + +The stranger shook his head mournfully and mysteriously; "I must lay my +head in a different chamber to-night!" + +There was something in this reply, and the tone in which it was uttered, +that made the baron's heart misgive him; but he rallied his forces and +repeated his hospitable entreaties. + +The stranger shook his head silently, but positively, at every offer; +and, waving his farewell to the company, stalked slowly out of the hall. +The maiden aunts were absolutely petrified--the bride hung her head, and +a tear stole to her eye. + +The baron followed the stranger to the great court of the castle, where +the black charger stood pawing the earth and snorting with impatience. +When they had reached the portal, whose deep archway was dimly lighted +by a cresset, the stranger paused, and addressed the baron in a hollow +tone of voice which the vaulted roof rendered still more sepulchral. + +"Now that we are alone," said he, "I will impart to you the reason of my +going. I have a solemn, an indispensable engagement----" + +"Why," said the baron, "cannot you send someone in your place?" + +"It admits of no substitute--I must attend it in person--I must away to +Wurtzburg cathedral----" + +"Ay," said the baron, plucking up spirit, "but not until +to-morrow--to-morrow you shall take your bride there." + +"No! no!" replied the stranger, with tenfold solemnity, "my engagement +is with no bride--the worms! the worms expect me! I am a dead man--I +have been slain by robbers--my body lies at Wurtzburg--at midnight I am +to be buried--the grave is waiting for me--I must keep my appointment!" + +He sprang on his black charger, dashed over the drawbridge, and the +clattering of his horses' hoofs was lost in the whistling of the night +blast. + +The baron returned to the hall in the utmost consternation, and related +what had passed. Two ladies fainted outright, others sickened at the +idea of having banqueted with a specter. It was the opinion of some, +that this might be the wild huntsman, famous in German legend. Some +talked of mountain sprites, of wood-demons, and of other supernatural +beings, with which the good people of Germany have been so grievously +harassed since time immemorial. One of the poor relations ventured to +suggest that it might be some sportive evasion of the young cavalier, +and that the very gloominess of the caprice seemed to accord with so +melancholy a personage. This, however, drew on him the indignation of +the whole company, and especially of the baron, who looked upon him as +little better than an infidel; so that he was fain to abjure his heresy +as speedily as possible, and come into the faith of the true believers. + +But whatever may have been the doubts entertained, they were completely +put to an end by the arrival, next day, of regular missives confirming +the intelligence of the young count's murder, and his interment in +Wurtzburg cathedral. + +The dismay at the castle may well be imagined. The baron shut himself up +in his chamber. The guests, who had come to rejoice with him, could not +think of abandoning him in his distress. They wandered about the courts, +or collected in groups in the hall, shaking their heads and shrugging +their shoulders at the troubles of so good a man; and sat longer than +ever at table, and ate and drank more stoutly than ever, by way of +keeping up their spirits. But the situation of the widowed bride was the +most pitiable. To have lost a husband before she had even embraced +him--and such a husband! if the very specter could be so gracious and +noble, what must have been the living man! She filled the house with +lamentations. + +On the night of the second day of her widowhood, she had retired to her +chamber, accompanied by one of her aunts who insisted on sleeping with +her. The aunt, who was one of the best tellers of ghost stories in all +Germany, had just been recounting one of her longest, and had fallen +asleep in the very midst of it. The chamber was remote, and overlooked a +small garden. The niece lay pensively gazing at the beams of the rising +moon, as they trembled on the leaves of an aspen-tree before the +lattice. The castle-clock had just tolled midnight, when a soft strain +of music stole up from the garden. She rose hastily from her bed, and +stepped lightly to the window. A tall figure stood among the shadows of +the trees. As it raised its head, a beam of moonlight fell upon the +countenance. Heaven and earth! she beheld the Specter Bridegroom! A loud +shriek at that moment burst upon her ear, and her aunt, who had been +awakened by the music, and had followed her silently to the window, fell +into her arms. When she looked again, the specter had disappeared. + +Of the two females, the aunt now required the most soothing, for she was +perfectly beside herself with terror. As to the young lady, there was +something, even in the specter of her lover, that seemed endearing. +There was still the semblance of manly beauty; and though the shadow of +a man is but little calculated to satisfy the affections of a love-sick +girl, yet, where the substance is not to be had, even that is consoling. +The aunt declared she would never sleep in that chamber again; the +niece, for once, was refractory, and declared as strongly that she would +sleep in no other in the castle: the consequence was, that she had to +sleep in it alone: but she drew a promise from her aunt not to relate +the story of the specter, lest she should be denied the only melancholy +pleasure left her on earth--that of inhabiting the chamber over which +the guardian shade of her lover kept its nightly vigils. + +How long the good old lady would have observed this promise is +uncertain, for she dearly loved to talk of the marvelous, and there is a +triumph in being the first to tell a frightful story; it is, however, +still quoted in the neighborhood, as a memorable instance of female +secrecy, that she kept it to herself for a whole week; when she was +suddenly absolved from all further restraint, by intelligence, brought +to the breakfast table one morning, that the young lady was not to be +found. Her room was empty--the bed had not been slept in--the window was +open, and the bird had flown! + +The astonishment and concern with which the intelligence was received, +can only be imagined by those who have witnessed the agitation which the +mishaps of a great man cause among his friends. Even the poor relations +paused for a moment from the indefatigable labors of the trencher, when +the aunt, who had at first been struck speechless, wrung her hands, and +shrieked out, "The goblin! the goblin! She's carried away by the +goblin!" + +In a few words she related the fearful scene of the garden, and +concluded that the specter must have carried off his bride. Two of the +domestics corroborated the opinion, for they had heard the clattering of +a horse's hoofs down the mountain about midnight, and had no doubt that +it was the specter on his black charger, bearing her away to the tomb. +All present were struck with the direful probability; for events of the +kind are extremely common in Germany, as many well-authenticated +histories bear witness. + +What a lamentable situation was that of the poor baron! What a +heart-rending dilemma for a fond father, and a member of the great +family of Katzenellenbogen! His only daughter had either been rapt away +to the grave, or he was to have some wood-demon for a son-in-law, and, +perchance, a troop of goblin grandchildren. As usual, he was completely +bewildered and all the castle in an uproar. The men were ordered to take +horse, and scour every road and path and glen of the Odenwald. The baron +himself had just drawn on his jack-boots, girded on his sword, and was +about to mount his steed to sally forth on the doubtful quest, when he +was brought to a pause by a new apparition. A lady was seen approaching +the castle, mounted on a palfrey, attended by a cavalier on horseback. +She galloped up to the gate, sprang from her horse, and falling at the +baron's feet, embraced his knees. It was his lost daughter, and her +companion--the Specter Bridegroom! The baron was astounded. He looked at +his daughter, then at the specter, and almost doubted the evidence of +his senses. The latter, too, was wonderfully improved in his appearance +since his visit to the world of spirits. His dress was splendid, and set +off a noble figure of manly symmetry. He was no longer pale and +melancholy. His fine countenance was flushed with the glow of youth, and +joy rioted in his large dark eye. + +The mystery was soon cleared up. The cavalier (for in truth, as you must +have known all the while, he was no goblin) announced himself as Sir +Herman Von Starkenfaust. He related his adventure with the young count. +He told how he had hastened to the castle to deliver the unwelcome +tidings, but that the eloquence of the baron had interrupted him in +every attempt to tell his tale. How the sight of the bride had +completely captivated him, and that to pass a few hours near her, he had +tacitly suffered the mistake to continue. How he had been sorely +perplexed in what way to make a decent retreat, until the baron's goblin +stories had suggested his eccentric exit. How, fearing the feudal +hostility of the family, he had repeated his visits by stealth--had +haunted the garden beneath the young lady's window--had wooed--had +won--had borne away in triumph--and, in a word, had wedded the fair. + +Under any other circumstances the baron would have been inflexible, for +he was tenacious of paternal authority, and devoutly obstinate in all +family feuds; but he loved his daughter; he had lamented her as lost; he +rejoiced to find her still alive; and, though her husband was of a +hostile house, yet, thank Heaven, he was not a goblin. There was +something, it must be acknowledged, that did not exactly accord with his +notions of strict veracity, in the joke the knight had passed upon him +of his being a dead man; but several old friends present, who had served +in the wars, assured him that every stratagem was excusable in love, and +that the cavalier was entitled to especial privilege, having lately +served as a trooper. + +Matters, therefore, were happily arranged. The baron pardoned the young +couple on the spot. The revels at the castle were resumed. The poor +relations overwhelmed this new member of the family with loving +kindness; he was so gallant, so generous--and so rich. The aunts, it is +true, were somewhat scandalized that their system of strict seclusion +and passive obedience should be so badly exemplified, but attributed it +all to their negligence in not having the windows grated. One of them +was particularly mortified at having her marvelous story marred, and +that the only specter she had ever seen should turn out a counterfeit; +but the niece seemed perfectly happy at having found him substantial +flesh and blood--and so the story ends. + + +FOOTNOTES: + +[2] The erudite reader, well versed in good-for-nothing lore, will +perceive that the above Tale must have been suggested to the old Swiss +by a little French anecdote, a circumstance said to have taken place at +Paris. + +[3] _I. e._, CAT'S-ELBOW. The name of a family of those parts very +powerful in former times. The appellation, we are told, was given in +compliment to a peerless dame of the family, celebrated for her fine +arm. + + + + +THE SPECTER OF TAPPINGTON + +COMPILED BY RICHARD BARHAM + + + + +The Specter of Tappington + +From _The Ingoldsby Legends_ + +COMPILED BY RICHARD BARHAM + + +"It is very odd, though; what can have become of them?" said Charles +Seaforth, as he peeped under the valance of an old-fashioned bedstead, +in an old-fashioned apartment of a still more old-fashioned manor-house; +"'tis confoundedly odd, and I can't make it out at all. Why, Barney, +where are they?--and where the d----l are you?" + +No answer was returned to this appeal; and the lieutenant, who was, in +the main, a reasonable person--at least as reasonable a person as any +young gentleman of twenty-two in "the service" can fairly be expected to +be--cooled when he reflected that his servant could scarcely reply +extempore to a summons which it was impossible he should hear. + +An application to the bell was the considerate result; and the footsteps +of as tight a lad as ever put pipe-clay to belt sounded along the +gallery. + +"Come in!" said his master. An ineffectual attempt upon the door +reminded Mr. Seaforth that he had locked himself in. "By Heaven! this +is the oddest thing of all," said he, as he turned the key and admitted +Mr. Maguire into his dormitory. + +"Barney, where are my pantaloons?" + +"Is it the breeches?" asked the valet, casting an inquiring eye round +the apartment;--"is it the breeches, sir?" + +"Yes, what have you done with them?" + +"Sure then your honor had them on when you went to bed, and it's +hereabouts they'll be, I'll be bail"; and Barney lifted a fashionable +tunic from a cane-backed arm-chair, proceeding in his examination. But +the search was vain; there was the tunic aforesaid, there was a +smart-looking kerseymere waistcoat; but the most important article of +all in a gentleman's wardrobe was still wanting. + +"Where _can_ they be?" asked the master, with a strong accent on the +auxiliary verb. + +"Sorrow a know I knows," said the man. + +"It _must_ have been the devil, then, after all, who has been here and +carried them off!" cried Seaforth, staring full into Barney's face. + +Mr. Maguire was not devoid of the superstition of his countrymen, still +he looked as if he did not quite subscribe to the _sequitur_. + +His master read incredulity in his countenance. "Why, I tell you, +Barney, I put them there, on that arm-chair, when I got into bed; and, +by Heaven! I distinctly saw the ghost of the old fellow they told me +of, come in at midnight, put on my pantaloons, and walk away with them." + +"May be so," was the cautious reply. + +"I thought, of course, it was a dream; but then--where the d----l are +the breeches?" + +The question was more easily asked than answered. Barney renewed his +search, while the lieutenant folded his arms, and, leaning against the +toilet, sunk into a reverie. + +"After all, it must be some trick of my laughter-loving cousins," said +Seaforth. + +"Ah! then, the ladies!" chimed in Mr. Maguire, though the observation +was not addressed to him; "and will it be Miss Caroline or Miss Fanny, +that's stole your honor's things?" + +"I hardly know what to think of it," pursued the bereaved lieutenant, +still speaking in soliloquy, with his eye resting dubiously on the +chamber-door. "I locked myself in, that's certain; and--but there must +be some other entrance to the room--pooh! I remember--the private +staircase; how could I be such a fool?" and he crossed the chamber to +where a low oaken doorcase was dimly visible in a distant corner. He +paused before it. Nothing now interfered to screen it from observation; +but it bore tokens of having been at some earlier period concealed by +tapestry, remains of which yet clothed the walls on either side the +portal. + +"This way they must have come," said Seaforth; "I wish with all my heart +I had caught them!" + +"Och! the kittens!" sighed Mr. Barney Maguire. + +But the mystery was yet as far from being solved as before. True, there +_was_ the "other door"; but then that, too, on examination, was even +more firmly secured than the one which opened on the gallery--two heavy +bolts on the inside effectually prevented any _coup de main_ on the +lieutenant's _bivouac_ from that quarter. He was more puzzled than ever; +nor did the minutest inspection of the walls and floor throw any light +upon the subject: one thing only was clear--the breeches were gone! "It +is _very_ singular," said the lieutenant. + + * * * * * + +Tappington (generally called Tapton) Everard is an antiquated but +commodious manor-house in the eastern division of the county of Kent. A +former proprietor had been high-sheriff in the days of Elizabeth, and +many a dark and dismal tradition was yet extant of the licentiousness of +his life, and the enormity of his offenses. The Glen, which the keeper's +daughter was seen to enter, but never known to quit, still frowns darkly +as of yore; while an ineradicable blood-stain on the oaken stair yet +bids defiance to the united energies of soap and sand. But it is with +one particular apartment that a deed of more especial atrocity is said +to be connected. A stranger guest--so runs the legend--arrived +unexpectedly at the mansion of the "Bad Sir Giles." They met in +apparent friendship; but the ill-concealed scowl on their master's brow +told the domestics that the visit was not a welcome one; the banquet, +however, was not spared; the wine-cup circulated freely--too freely, +perhaps--for sounds of discord at length reached the ears of even the +excluded serving-men, as they were doing their best to imitate their +betters in the lower hall. Alarmed, some of them ventured to approach +the parlor, one, an old and favored retainer of the house, went so far +as to break in upon his master's privacy. Sir Giles, already high in +oath, fiercely enjoined his absence, and he retired; not, however, +before he had distinctly heard from the stranger's lips a menace that +"there was that within his pocket which could disprove the knight's +right to issue that or any other command within the walls of Tapton." + +The intrusion, though momentary, seemed to have produced a beneficial +effect; the voices of the disputants fell, and the conversation was +carried on thenceforth in a more subdued tone, till, as evening closed +in, the domestics, when summoned to attend with lights, found not only +cordiality restored, but that a still deeper carouse was meditated. +Fresh stoups, and from the choicest bins, were produced; nor was it till +at a late, or rather early hour, that the revelers sought their +chambers. + +The one allotted to the stranger occupied the first floor of the +eastern angle of the building, and had once been the favorite apartment +of Sir Giles himself. Scandal ascribed this preference to the facility +which a private staircase, communicating with the grounds, had afforded +him, in the old knight's time, of following his wicked courses unchecked +by parental observation; a consideration which ceased to be of weight +when the death of his father left him uncontrolled master of his estate +and actions. From that period Sir Giles had established himself in what +were called the "state apartments," and the "oaken chamber" was rarely +tenanted, save on occasions of extraordinary festivity, or when the yule +log drew an unusually large accession of guests around the Christmas +hearth. + +On this eventful night it was prepared for the unknown visitor, who +sought his couch heated and inflamed from his midnight orgies, and in +the morning was found in his bed a swollen and blackened corpse. No +marks of violence appeared upon the body; but the livid hue of the lips, +and certain dark-colored spots visible on the skin, aroused suspicions +which those who entertained them were too timid to express. Apoplexy, +induced by the excesses of the preceding night, Sir Giles's confidential +leech pronounced to be the cause of his sudden dissolution. The body was +buried in peace; and though some shook their heads as they witnessed the +haste with which the funeral rites were hurried on, none ventured to +murmur. Other events arose to distract the attention of the retainers; +men's minds became occupied by the stirring politics of the day; while +the near approach of that formidable armada, so vainly arrogating itself +a title which the very elements joined with human valor to disprove, +soon interfered to weaken, if not obliterate, all remembrance of the +nameless stranger who had died within the walls of Tapton Everard. + +Years rolled on: the "Bad Sir Giles" had himself long since gone to his +account, the last, as it was believed, of his immediate line; though a +few of the older tenants were sometimes heard to speak of an elder +brother, who had disappeared in early life, and never inherited the +estate. Rumors, too, of his having left a son in foreign lands, were at +one time rife; but they died away, nothing occurring to support them: +the property passed unchallenged to a collateral branch of the family, +and the secret, if secret there were, was buried in Denton churchyard, +in the lonely grave of the mysterious stranger. One circumstance alone +occurred, after a long-intervening period, to revive the memory of these +transactions. Some workmen employed in grubbing an old plantation, for +the purpose of raising on its site a modern shrubbery, dug up, in the +execution of their task, the mildewed remnants of what seemed to have +been once a garment. On more minute inspection, enough remained of +silken slashes and a coarse embroidery, to identify the relics as having +once formed part of a pair of trunk hose; while a few papers which fell +from them, altogether illegible from damp and age, were by the unlearned +rustics conveyed to the then owner of the estate. + +Whether the squire was more successful in deciphering them was never +known; he certainly never alluded to their contents; and little would +have been thought of the matter but for the inconvenient memory of one +old woman, who declared she heard her grandfather say, that when the +"strange guest" was poisoned, though all the rest of his clothes were +there, his breeches, the supposed repository of the supposed documents, +could never be found. The master of Tapton Everard smiled when he heard +Dame Jones's hint of deeds which might impeach the validity of his own +title in favor of some unknown descendant of some unknown heir; and the +story was rarely alluded to, save by one or two miracle-mongers, who had +heard that others had seen the ghost of old Sir Giles, in his night-cap, +issue from the postern, enter the adjoining copse, and wring his shadowy +hands in agony, as he seemed to search vainly for something hidden among +the evergreens. The stranger's death-room had, of course, been +occasionally haunted from the time of his decease; but the periods of +visitation had latterly become very rare--even Mrs. Botherby, the +housekeeper, being forced to admit that, during her long sojourn at the +manor, she had never "met with anything worse than herself"; though, as +the old lady afterwards added upon more mature reflection, "I must say I +think I saw the devil _once_." + +Such was the legend attached to Tapton Everard, and such the story which +the lively Caroline Ingoldsby detailed to her equally mercurial cousin, +Charles Seaforth, lieutenant in the Hon. East India Company's second +regiment of Bombay Fencibles, as arm-in-arm they promenaded a gallery +decked with some dozen grim-looking ancestral portraits, and, among +others, with that of the redoubted Sir Giles himself. The gallant +commander had that very morning paid his first visit to the house of his +maternal uncle, after an absence of several years passed with his +regiment on the arid plains of Hindostan, whence he was now returned on +a three years' furlough. He had gone out a boy--he returned a man; but +the impression made upon his youthful fancy by his favorite cousin +remained unimpaired, and to Tapton he directed his steps, even before he +sought the home of his widowed mother--comforting himself in this breach +of filial decorum by the reflection that, as the manor was so little out +of his way, it would be unkind to pass, as it were, the door of his +relatives, without just looking in for a few hours. + +But he found his uncle as hospitable, and his cousin more charming than +ever; and the looks of one, and the requests of the other, soon +precluded the possibility of refusing to lengthen the "few hours" into +a few days, though the house was at the moment full of visitors. + +The Peterses were from Ramsgate; and Mr., Mrs., and the two Miss +Simpkinsons, from Bath, had come to pass a month with the family; and +Tom Ingoldsby had brought down his college friend the Honorable Augustus +Sucklethumbkin, with his groom and pointers, to take a fortnight's +shooting. And then there was Mrs. Ogleton, the rich young widow, with +her large black eyes, who, people did say, was setting her cap at the +young squire, though Mrs. Botherby did not believe it; and, above all, +there was Mademoiselle Pauline, her _femme de chambre_, who +"_mon-Dieu'd_" everything and everybody, and cried "_Quel horreur!_" at +Mrs. Botherby's cap. In short, to use the last-named and much-respected +lady's own expression, the house was "choke-full" to the very +attics--all save the "oaken chamber," which, as the lieutenant expressed +a most magnanimous disregard of ghosts, was forthwith appropriated to +his particular accommodation. Mr. Maguire meanwhile was fain to share +the apartment of Oliver Dobbs, the squire's own man; a jocular proposal +of joint occupancy having been first indignantly rejected by +"Mademoiselle," though preferred with the "laste taste in life" of Mr. +Barney's most insinuating brogue. + + * * * * * + +"Come, Charles, the urn is absolutely getting cold; your breakfast will +be quite spoiled: what can have made you so idle?" Such was the morning +salutation of Miss Ingoldsby to the _militaire_ as he entered the +breakfast-room half an hour after the latest of the party. + +"A pretty gentleman, truly, to make an appointment with," chimed in Miss +Frances. "What is become of our ramble to the rocks before breakfast?" + +"Oh! the young men never think of keeping a promise now," said Mrs. +Peters, a little ferret-faced woman with underdone eyes. + +"When I was a young man," said Mr. Peters, "I remember I always made a +point of----" + +"Pray, how long ago was that?" asked Mr. Simpkinson from Bath. + +"Why, sir, when I married Mrs. Peters, I was--let me see--I was----" + +"Do pray hold your tongue, P., and eat your breakfast!" interrupted his +better half, who had a mortal horror of chronological references; "it's +very rude to tease people with your family affairs." + +The lieutenant had by this time taken his seat in silence--a +good-humored nod, and a glance, half-smiling, half-inquisitive, being +the extent of his salutation. Smitten as he was, and in the immediate +presence of her who had made so large a hole in his heart, his manner +was evidently _distrait_, which the fair Caroline in her secret soul +attributed to his being solely occupied by her _agremens_: how would she +have bridled had she known that they only shared his meditations with a +pair of breeches! + +Charles drank his coffee and spiked some half-dozen eggs, darting +occasionally a penetrating glance at the ladies, in hope of detecting +the supposed waggery by the evidence of some furtive smile or conscious +look. But in vain; not a dimple moved indicative of roguery, nor did the +slightest elevation of eyebrow rise confirmative of his suspicions. +Hints and insinuations passed unheeded--more particular inquiries were +out of the question--the subject was unapproachable. + +In the meantime, "patent cords" were just the thing for a morning's +ride; and, breakfast ended, away cantered the party over the downs, +till, every faculty absorbed by the beauties, animate and inanimate, +which surrounded him. Lieutenant Seaforth of the Bombay Fencibles +bestowed no more thought upon his breeches than if he had been born on +the top of Ben Lomond. + + * * * * * + +Another night had passed away; the sun rose brilliantly, forming with +his level beams a splendid rainbow in the far-off west, whither the +heavy cloud, which for the last two hours had been pouring its waters on +the earth, was now flying before him. + +"Ah! then, and it's little good it'll be the claning of ye," +apostrophized Mr. Barney Maguire, as he deposited, in front of his +master's toilet, a pair of "bran new" jockey boots, one of Hoby's +primest fits, which the lieutenant had purchased in his way through +town. On that very morning had they come for the first time under the +valet's depurating hand, so little soiled, indeed, from the turfy ride +of the preceding day, that a less scrupulous domestic might, perhaps, +have considered the application of "Warren's Matchless," or oxalic acid, +altogether superfluous. Not so Barney: with the nicest care had he +removed the slightest impurity from each polished surface, and there +they stood, rejoicing in their sable radiance. No wonder a pang shot +across Mr. Maguire's breast as he thought on the work now cut out for +them, so different from the light labors of the day before; no wonder he +murmured with a sigh, as the scarce dried window-panes disclosed a road +now inch deep in mud! "Ah! then, it's little good claning of ye!"--for +well had he learned in the hall below that eight miles of a stiff clay +soil lay between the manor and Bolsover Abbey, whose picturesque ruins, + + "Like ancient Rome, majestic in decay," + +the party had determined to explore. The master had already commenced +dressing, and the man was fitting straps upon a light pair of +crane-necked spurs, when his hand was arrested by the old +question--"Barney, where are the breeches?" + +They were nowhere to be found! + + * * * * * + +Mr. Seaforth descended that morning, whip in hand, and equipped in a +handsome green riding-frock, but no "breeches and boots to match" were +there: loose jean trousers, surmounting a pair of diminutive +Wellingtons, embraced, somewhat incongruously, his nether man, _vice_ +the "patent cords," returned, like yesterday's pantaloons, absent +without leave. The "top-boots" had a holiday. + +"A fine morning after the rain," said Mr. Simpkinson from Bath. + +"Just the thing for the 'ops," said Mr. Peters. "I remember when I was a +boy----" + +"Do hold your tongue, P.," said Mrs. Peters--advice which that exemplary +matron was in the constant habit of administering to "her P." as she +called him, whenever he prepared to vent his reminiscences. Her precise +reason for this it would be difficult to determine, unless, indeed, the +story be true which a little bird had whispered into Mrs. Botherby's +ear--Mr. Peters, though now a wealthy man had received a liberal +education at a charity school, and was apt to recur to the days of his +muffin-cap and leathers. As usual, he took his wife's hint in good part, +and "paused in his reply." + +"A glorious day for the ruins!" said young Ingoldsby. "But Charles, what +the deuce are you about? you don't mean to ride through our lanes in +such toggery as that?" + +"Lassy me!" said Miss Julia Simpkinson, "won't yo' be very wet?" + +"You had better take Tom's cab," quoth the squire. + +But this proposition was at once over-ruled; Mrs. Ogleton had already +nailed the cab, a vehicle of all others the best adapted for a snug +flirtation. + +"Or drive Miss Julia in the phaeton?" No; that was the post of Mr. +Peters, who, indifferent as an equestrian, had acquired some fame as a +whip while traveling through the midland counties for the firm of +Bagshaw, Snivelby, and Ghrimes. + +"Thank you, I shall ride with my cousins," said Charles, with as much +_nonchalance_ as he could assume--and he did so; Mr. Ingoldsby, Mrs. +Peters, Mr. Simpkinson from Bath, and his eldest daughter with her +_album_, following in the family coach. The gentleman-commoner "voted +the affair d----d slow," and declined the party altogether in favor of +the gamekeeper and a cigar. "There was 'no fun' in looking at old +houses!" Mrs. Simpkinson preferred a short _sejour_ in the still-room +with Mrs. Botherby, who had promised to initiate her in that grand +_arcanum_, the transmutation of gooseberry jam into Guava jelly. + + * * * * * + +"Did you ever see an old abbey before, Mrs. Peters?" + +"Yes, miss, a French one; we have got one at Ramsgate; he teaches the +Miss Joneses to parley-voo and is turned of sixty." + +Miss Simpkinson closed her album with an air of ineffable disdain. + +Mr. Simpkinson from Bath was a professed antiquary, and one of the +first water; he was master of Gwillim's Heraldry, and Mill's History of +the Crusades; knew every plate in the Monasticon; had written an essay +on the origin and dignity of the office of overseer, and settled the +date on a Queen Anne's farthing. An influential member of the +Antiquarian Society, to whose "Beauties of Bagnigge Wells" he had been a +liberal subscriber, procured him a seat at the board of that learned +body, since which happy epoch Sylvanus Urban had not a more +indefatigable correspondent. His inaugural essay on the President's +cocked hat was considered a miracle of erudition; and his account of the +earliest application of gilding to gingerbread, a masterpiece of +antiquarian research. His eldest daughter was of a kindred spirit: if +her father's mantle had not fallen upon her, it was only because he had +not thrown it off himself; she had caught hold of its tail, however, +while it yet hung upon his honored shoulders. To souls so congenial, +what a sight was the magnificent ruin of Bolsover! its broken arches, +its mouldering pinnacles, and the airy tracery of its half-demolished +windows. The party were in raptures; Mr. Simpkinson began to meditate an +essay, and his daughter an ode: even Seaforth, as he gazed on these +lonely relics of the olden time, was betrayed into a momentary +forgetfulness of his love and losses; the widow's eye-glass turned from +her _cicisbeo's_ whiskers to the mantling ivy; Mrs. Peters wiped her +spectacles; and "her P." supposed the central tower "had once been the +county jail." The squire was a philosopher, and had been there often +before, so he ordered out the cold tongue and chickens. + +"Bolsover Priory," said Mr. Simpkinson, with the air of a +connoisseur--"Bolsover Priory was founded in the reign of Henry the +Sixth, about the beginning of the eleventh century. Hugh de Bolsover had +accompanied that monarch to the Holy Land, in the expedition undertaken +by way of penance for the murder of his young nephews in the Tower. Upon +the dissolution of the monasteries, the veteran was enfeoffed in the +lands and manor, to which he gave his own name of Bowlsover, or +Bee-owls-over (by corruption Bolsover)--a Bee in chief, over three Owls, +all proper, being the armorial ensigns borne by this distinguished +crusader at the siege of Acre." + +"Ah! that was Sir Sidney Smith," said Mr. Peters; "I've heard tell of +him, and all about Mrs. Partington, and----" + +"P. be quiet, and don't expose yourself!" sharply interrupted his lady. +P. was silenced, and betook himself to the bottled stout. + +"These lands," continued the antiquary, "were held in grand serjeantry +by the presentation of three white owls and pot of honey----" + +"Lassy me! how nice!" said Miss Julia. Mr. Peters licked his lips. + +"Pray give me leave, my dear--owls and honey, whenever the king should +come a rat-catching into this part of the country." + +"Rat-catching!" ejaculated the squire, pausing abruptly in the +mastication of a drumstick. + +"To be sure, my dear sir; don't you remember the rats came under the +forest laws--a minor species of venison? 'Rats and mice, and such small +deer,' eh?--Shakespeare, you know. Our ancestors ate rats ('The nasty +fellows!' shuddered Miss Julia, in a parenthesis); and owls, you know, +are capital mousers----" + +"I've seen a howl," said Mr. Peters; "there's one in the Sohological +Gardens--a little hook-nosed chap in a wig--only its feathers and----" + +Poor P. was destined never to finish a speech. + +"_Do_ be quiet!" cried the authoritative voice; and the would-be +naturalist shrank into his shell, like a snail in the "Sohological +Gardens." + +"You should read Blount's _Jocular Tenures_, Mr. Ingoldsby," pursued +Simpkinson. "A learned man was Blount! Why, sir, His Royal Highness the +Duke of York once paid a silver horse-shoe to Lord Ferrers----" + +"I've heard of him," broke in the incorrigible Peters; "he was hanged at +the Old Bailey in a silk rope for shooting Dr. Johnson." + +The antiquary vouchsafed no notice of the interruption; but, taking a +pinch of snuff, continued his harangue. + +"A silver horse-shoe, sir, which is due from every scion of royalty who +rides across one of his manors; and if you look into the penny county +histories, now publishing by an eminent friend of mine, you will find +that Langhale in Co. Norf. was held by one Baldwin _per saltum, +sufflatum, et pettum_; that is, he was to come every Christmas into +Westminster Hall, there to take a leap, cry hem! and----" + +"Mr. Simpkinson, a glass of sherry?" cried Tom Ingoldsby, hastily. + +"Not any, thank you, sir. This Baldwin, surnamed _Le----_" + +"Mrs. Ogleton challenges you, sir; she insists upon it," said Tom still +more rapidly, at the same time filling a glass, and forcing it on the +_scavant_, who, thus arrested in the very crisis of his narrative, +received and swallowed the potation as if it had been physic. + +"What on earth has Miss Simpkinson discovered there?" continued Tom; +"something of interest. See how fast she is writing." + +The diversion was effectual; every one looked towards Miss Simpkinson, +who, far too ethereal for "creature comforts," was seated apart on the +dilapidated remains of an altar-tomb, committing eagerly to paper +something that had strongly impressed her; the air--the eye in a "fine +frenzy rolling"--all betokened that the divine _afflarus_ was come. Her +father rose, and stole silently towards her. + +"What an old boar!" muttered young Ingoldsby; alluding, perhaps, to a +slice of brawn which he had just begun to operate upon, but which, from +the celerity with which it disappeared, did not seem so very difficult +of mastication. + +But what had become of Seaforth and his fair Caroline all this while? +Why, it so happened that they had been simultaneously stricken with the +picturesque appearance of one of those high and pointed arches, which +that eminent antiquary, Mr. Horseley Curties, has described in his +_Ancient Records_, as "a _Gothic_ window of the _Saxon_ order"; and then +the ivy clustered so thickly and so beautifully on the other side, that +they went round to look at that; and then their proximity deprived it of +half its effect, and so they walked across to a little knoll, a hundred +yards off, and in crossing a small ravine, they came to what in Ireland +they call "a bad step," and Charles had to carry his cousin over it; and +then when they had to come back, she would not give him the trouble +again for the world, so they followed a better but more circuitous +route, and there were hedges and ditches in the way, and stiles to get +over and gates to get through, so that an hour or more had elapsed +before they were able to rejoin the party. + +"Lassy me!" said Miss Julia Simpkinson, "how long you have been gone!" + +And so they had. The remark was a very just as well as a very natural +one. They were gone a long while, and a nice cosy chat they had; and +what do you think it was all about, my dear miss? + +"O lassy me! love, no doubt, and the moon, and eyes, and nightingales, +and----" + +Stay, stay, my sweet young lady; do not let the fervor of your feelings +run away with you! I do not pretend to say, indeed, that one or more of +these pretty subjects might not have been introduced; but the most +important and leading topic of the conference was--Lieutenant Seaforth's +breeches. + +"Caroline," said Charles, "I have had some very odd dreams since I have +been at Tappington." + +"Dreams, have you?" smiled the young lady, arching her taper neck like a +swan in pluming. "Dreams, have you?" + +"Ah, dreams--or dream, perhaps, I should say; for, though repeated, it +was still the same. And what do you imagine was its subject?" + +"It is impossible for me to divine," said the tongue; "I have not the +least difficulty in guessing," said the eye, as plainly as ever eye +spoke. + +"I dreamt--of your great-grandfather!" + +There was a change in the glance--"My great-grandfather?" + +"Yes, the old Sir Giles, or Sir John, you told me about the other day: +he walked into my bedroom in his short cloak of murrey-colored velvet, +his long rapier, and his Raleigh-looking hat and feather, just as the +picture represents him; but with one exception." + +"And what was that?" + +"Why, his lower extremities, which were visible, were those of a +skeleton." + +"Well?" + +"Well, after taking a turn or two about the room, and looking round him +with a wistful air, he came to the bed's foot, stared at me in a manner +impossible to describe--and then he--he laid hold of my pantaloons; +whipped his long bony legs into them in a twinkling; and strutting up to +the glass, seemed to view himself in it with great complacency. I tried +to speak, but in vain. The effort, however, seemed to excite his +attention; for, wheeling about, he showed me the grimmest-looking +death's head you can well imagine, and with an indescribable grin +strutted out of the room." + +"Absurd! Charles. How can you talk such nonsense?" + +"But, Caroline--the breeches are really gone." + + * * * * * + +On the following morning, contrary to his usual custom, Seaforth was the +first person in the breakfast parlor. As no one else was present, he did +precisely what nine young men out of ten so situated would have done; he +walked up to the mantelpiece, established himself upon the rug, and +subducting his coat-tails one under each arm, turned towards the fire +that portion of the human frame which it is considered equally +indecorous to present to a friend or an enemy. A serious, not to say +anxious, expression was visible upon his good-humored countenance, and +his mouth was fast buttoning itself up for an incipient whistle, when +little Flo, a tiny spaniel of the Blenheim breed--the pet object of Miss +Julia Simpkinson's affections--bounced out from beneath a sofa, and +began to bark at--his pantaloons. + +They were cleverly "built," of a light-grey mixture, a broad stripe of +the most vivid scarlet traversing each seam in a perpendicular direction +from hip to ankle--in short, the regimental costume of the Royal Bombay +Fencibles. The animal, educated in the country, had never seen such a +pair of breeches in her life--_Omne ignotum pro magnifico!_ The scarlet +streak, inflamed as it was by the reflection of the fire, seemed to act +on Flora's nerves as the same color does on those of bulls and turkeys; +she advanced at the _pas de charge_, and her vociferation, like her +amazement, was unbounded. A sound kick from the disgusted officer +changed its character, and induced a retreat at the very moment when the +mistress of the pugnacious quadruped entered to the rescue. + +"Lassy me! Flo, what _is_ the matter?" cried the sympathizing lady, with +a scrutinizing glance leveled at the gentleman. + +It might as well have lighted on a feather bed. His air of imperturbable +unconsciousness defied examination; and as he would not, and Flora could +not, expound, that injured individual was compelled to pocket up her +wrongs. Others of the household soon dropped in, and clustered round the +board dedicated to the most sociable of meals; the urn was paraded +"hissing hot," and the cups which "cheer, but not inebriate," steamed +redolent of hyson and pekoe; muffins and marmalade, newspapers, and +Finnan haddies, left little room for observation on the character of +Charles's warlike "turn-out." At length a look from Caroline, followed +by a smile that nearly ripened to a titter, caused him to turn abruptly +and address his neighbor. It was Miss Simpkinson, who, deeply engaged in +sipping her tea and turning over her album, seemed, like a female +Chrononotonthologos, "immersed in cogibundity of cogitation." An +interrogatory on the subject of her studies drew from her the confession +that she was at that moment employed in putting the finishing touches to +a poem inspired by the romantic shades of Bolsover. The entreaties of +the company were of course urgent. Mr. Peters, "who liked verses," was +especially persevering, and Sappho at length compliant. After a +preparatory hem! and a glance at the mirror to ascertain that her look +was sufficiently sentimental, the poetess began:-- + + "There is a calm, a holy feeling, + Vulgar minds, can never know, + O'er the bosom softly stealing,-- + Chasten'd grief, delicious woe! + Oh! how sweet at eve regaining + Yon lone tower's sequester'd shade-- + Sadly mute and uncomplaining----" + +"--Yow!--yeough!--yeough!--yow!--yow!" yelled a hapless sufferer from +beneath the table. It was an unlucky hour for quadrupeds; and if "every +dog will have his day," he could not have selected a more unpropitious +one than this. Mrs. Ogleton, too, had a pet--a favorite pug--whose squab +figure, black muzzle, and tortuosity of tail, that curled like a head of +celery in a salad-bowl, bespoke his Dutch extraction. Yow! yow! yow! +continued the brute--a chorus in which Flo instantly joined. Sooth to +say, pug had more reason to express his dissatisfaction than was given +him by the muse of Simpkinson; the other only barked for company. +Scarcely had the poetess got through her first stanza, when Tom +Ingoldsby, in the enthusiasm of the moment, became so lost in the +material world, that, in his abstraction, he unwarily laid his hand on +the cock of the urn. Quivering with emotion, he gave it such an unlucky +twist, that the full stream of its scalding contents descended on the +gingerbread hide of the unlucky Cupid. The confusion was complete; the +whole economy of the table disarranged--the company broke up in most +admired disorder--and "vulgar minds will never know" anything more of +Miss Simpkinson's ode till they peruse it in some forthcoming Annual. + +Seaforth profited by the confusion to take the delinquent who had caused +this "stramash" by the arm, and to lead him to the lawn, where he had a +word or two for his private ear. The conference between the young +gentlemen was neither brief in its duration nor unimportant in its +result. The subject was what the lawyers call tripartite, embracing the +information that Charles Seaforth was over head and ears in love with +Tom Ingoldsby's sister; secondly, that the lady had referred him to +"papa" for his sanction; thirdly, and lastly, his nightly visitations +and consequent bereavement. At the two first times Tom smiled +suspiciously--at the last he burst out into an absolute "guffaw." + +"Steal your breeches! Miss Bailey over again, by Jove," shouted +Ingoldsby. "But a gentleman, you say--and Sir Giles, too. I am not sure, +Charles, whether I ought not to call you out for aspersing the honor of +the family." + +"Laugh as you will, Tom--be as incredulous as you please. One fact is +incontestable--the breeches are gone! Look here--I am reduced to my +regimentals; and if these go, to-morrow I must borrow of you!" + +Rochefoucault says, there is something in the misfortunes of our very +best friends that does not displease us; assuredly we can, most of us, +laugh at their petty inconveniences, till called upon to supply them. +Tom composed his features on the instant, and replied with more gravity, +as well as with an expletive, which, if my Lord Mayor had been within +hearing might have cost him five shillings. + +"There is something very queer in this, after all. The clothes, you say, +have positively disappeared. Somebody is playing you a trick; and, ten +to one, your servant had a hand in it. By the way, I heard something +yesterday of his kicking up a bobbery in the kitchen, and seeing a +ghost, or something of that kind, himself. Depend upon it, Barney is in +the plot." + +It now struck the lieutenant at once, that the usually buoyant spirits +of his attendant had of late been materially sobered down, his loquacity +obviously circumscribed, and that he, the said lieutenant, had actually +rung his bell three several times that very morning before he could +procure his attendance. Mr. Maguire was forthwith summoned, and +underwent a close examination. The "bobbery" was easily explained. Mr. +Oliver Dobbs had hinted his disapprobation of a flirtation carrying on +between the gentleman from Munster and the lady from the Rue St. Honore. +Mademoiselle had boxed Mr. Maguire's ears, and Mr. Maguire had pulled +Mademoiselle upon his knee, and the lady had _not_ cried _Mon Dieu_! And +Mr. Oliver Dobbs said it was very wrong; and Mrs. Botherby said it was +"scandalous," and what ought not to be done in any moral kitchen; and +Mr. Maguire had got hold of the Honorable Augustus Sucklethumbkin's +powder-flask, and had put large pinches of the best Double Dartford into +Mr. Dobbs's tobacco-box; and Mr. Dobbs's pipe had exploded, and set fire +to Mrs. Botherby's Sunday cap; and Mr. Maguire had put it out with the +slop-basin, "barring the wig"; and then they were all so "cantankerous," +that Barney had gone to take a walk in the garden; and then--then Mr. +Barney had seen a ghost. + +"A what? you blockhead!" asked Tom Ingoldsby. + +"Sure then, and it's meself will tell your honor the rights of it," said +the ghost-seer. "Meself and Miss Pauline, sir--or Miss Pauline and +meself, for the ladies comes first anyhow--we got tired of the +hobstroppylous scrimmaging among the ould servants, that didn't know a +joke when they seen one: and we went out to look at the comet--that's +the rorybory-alehouse, they calls him in this country--and we walked +upon the lawn--and divil of any alehouse there was there at all; and +Miss Pauline said it was bekase of the shrubbery maybe, and why wouldn't +we see it better beyonst the tree? and so we went to the trees, but +sorrow a comet did meself see there, barring a big ghost instead of it." + +"A ghost? And what sort of a ghost, Barney?" + +"Och, then, divil a lie I'll tell your honor. A tall ould gentleman he +was, all in white, with a shovel on the shoulder of him, and a big torch +in his fist--though what he wanted with that it's meself can't tell, for +his eyes were like gig-lamps, let alone the moon and the comet, which +wasn't there at all--and 'Barney,' says he to me--'cause why he knew +me--'Barney,' says he, 'what is it you're doing with the _colleen_ +there, Barney?'--Divil a word did I say. Miss Pauline screeched, and +cried murther in French, and ran off with herself; and of course meself +was in a mighty hurry after the lady, and had no time to stop palavering +with him any way: so I dispersed at once, and the ghost vanished in a +flame of fire!" + +Mr. Maguire's account was received with avowed incredulity by both +gentlemen; but Barney stuck to his text with unflinching pertinacity. A +reference to Mademoiselle was suggested, but abandoned, as neither party +had a taste for delicate investigations. + +"I'll tell you what, Seaforth," said Ingoldsby, after Barney had +received his dismissal, "that there is a trick here, is evident; and +Barney's vision may possibly be a part of it. Whether he is most knave +or fool, you best know. At all events, I will sit up with you to-night, +and see if I can convert my ancestor into a visiting acquaintance. +Meanwhile your finger on your lip!" + + * * * * * + + 'Twas now the very witching time of night, + When churchyards yawn, and graves give up their dead. + +Gladly would I grace my tale with decent horror, and therefore I do +beseech the "gentle reader" to believe, that if all the _succedanea_ to +this mysterious narrative are not in strict keeping, he will ascribe it +only to the disgraceful innovations of modern degeneracy upon the sober +and dignified habits of our ancestors. I can introduce him, it is true, +into an old and high-roofed chamber, its walls covered in three sides +with black oak wainscoting, adorned with carvings of fruit and flowers +long anterior to those of Grinling Gibbons; the fourth side is clothed +with a curious remnant of dingy tapestry, once elucidatory of some +Scriptural history, but of _which_ not even Mrs. Botherby could +determine. Mr. Simpkinson, who had examined it carefully, inclined to +believe the principal figure to be either Bathsheba, or Daniel in the +lions' den; while Tom Ingoldsby decided in favor of the king of Bashan. +All, however, was conjecture, tradition being silent on the subject. A +lofty arched portal led into, and a little arched portal led out of, +this apartment; they were opposite each other, and each possessed the +security of massy bolts on its interior. The bedstead, too, was not one +of yesterday, but manifestly coeval with days ere Seddons was, and when +a good four-post "article" was deemed worthy of being a royal bequest. +The bed itself, with all the appurtenances of palliasse, mattresses, +etc., was of far later date, and looked most incongruously comfortable; +the casements, too, with their little diamond-shaped panes and iron +binding, had given way to the modern heterodoxy of the sash-window. Nor +was this all that conspired to ruin the costume, and render the room a +meet haunt for such "mixed spirits" only as could condescend to don at +the same time an Elizabethan doublet and Bond Street inexpressibles. + +With their green morocco slippers on a modern fender, in front of a +disgracefully modern grate, sat two young gentlemen, clad in "shawl +pattern" dressing-gowns and black silk stocks, much at variance with +the high cane-backed chairs which supported them. A bunch of +abomination, called a cigar, reeked in the left-hand corner of the mouth +of one, and in the right-hand corner of the mouth of the other--an +arrangement happily adapted for the escape of the noxious fumes up the +chimney, without that unmerciful "funking" each other, which a less +scientific disposition of the weed would have induced. A small pembroke +table filled up the intervening space between them, sustaining, at each +extremity, an elbow and a glass of toddy--thus in "lonely pensive +contemplation" were the two worthies occupied, when the "iron tongue of +midnight had tolled twelve." + +"Ghost-time's come!" said Ingoldsby, taking from his waistcoat pocket a +watch like a gold half-crown, and consulting it as though he suspected +the turret-clock over the stables of mendacity. + +"Hush!" said Charles; "did I not hear a footstep?" + +There was a pause--there _was_ a footstep--it sounded distinctly--it +reached the door it hesitated, stopped, and--passed on. + +Tom darted across the room, threw open the door, and became aware of +Mrs. Botherby toddling to her chamber, at the other end of the gallery, +after dosing one of the housemaids with an approved julep from the +Countess of Kent's "Choice Manual." + +"Good-night, sir!" said Mrs. Botherby. + +"Go to the d----l!" said the disappointed ghost-hunter. + +An hour--two--rolled on, and still no spectral visitation; nor did aught +intervene to make night hideous; and when the turret-clock sounded at +length the hour of three, Ingoldsby, whose patience and grog were alike +exhausted, sprang from his chair, saying: + +"This is all infernal nonsense, my good fellow. Deuce of any ghost shall +we see to-night; it's long past the canonical hour. I'm off to bed; and +as to your breeches, I'll insure them for the next twenty-four hours at +least, at the price of the buckram." + +"Certainly.--Oh! thank'ee--to be sure!" stammered Charles, rousing +himself from a reverie, which had degenerated into an absolute snooze. + +"Good-night, my boy! Bolt the door behind me; and defy the Pope, the +Devil, and the Pretender!" + +Seaforth followed his friend's advice, and the next morning came down to +breakfast dressed in the habiliments of the preceding day. The charm was +broken, the demon defeated; the light greys with the red stripe down the +seams were yet _in rerum natura_, and adorned the person of their lawful +proprietor. + +Tom felicitated himself and his partner of the watch on the result of +their vigilance; but there is a rustic adage, which warns us against +self-gratulation before we are quite "out of the wood."--Seaforth was +yet within its verge. + + * * * * * + +A rap at Tom Ingoldsby's door the following morning startled him as he +was shaving--he cut his chin. + +"Come in, and be d----d to you!" said the martyr, pressing his thumb on +the scarified epidermis. The door opened, and exhibited Mr. Barney +Maguire. + +"Well, Barney, what is it?" quoth the sufferer, adopting the vernacular +of his visitant. + +"The master, sir----" + +"Well, what does he want?" + +"The loanst of a breeches, plase your honor." + +"Why, you don't mean to tell me--By Heaven, this is too good!" shouted +Tom, bursting into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. "Why, Barney, you +don't mean to say the ghost has got them again?" + +Mr. Maguire did not respond to the young squire's risibility; the cast +of his countenance was decidedly serious. + +"Faith, then, it's gone they are sure enough! Hasn't meself been looking +over the bed, and under the bed, and _in_ the bed, for the matter of +that, and divil a ha'p'orth of breeches is there to the fore at +all:--I'm bothered entirely!" + +"Hark'ee! Mr. Barney," said Tom, incautiously removing his thumb, and +letting a crimson stream "incarnadine the multitudinous" lather that +plastered his throat--"this may be all very well with your master, but +you don't humbug _me_, sir:--Tell me instantly what have you done with +the clothes?" + +This abrupt transition from "lively to severe" certainly took Maguire by +surprise, and he seemed for an instant as much disconcerted as it is +possible to disconcert an Irish gentleman's gentleman. + +"Me? is it meself, then, that's the ghost to your honor's thinking?" +said he after a moment's pause, and with a slight shade of indignation +in his tones; "is it I would stale the master's things--and what would I +do with them?" + +"That you best know: what your purpose is I can't guess, for I don't +think you mean to 'stale' them, as you call it; but that you are +concerned in their disappearance, I am satisfied. Confound this +blood!--give me a towel, Barney." + +Maguire acquitted himself of the commission. "As I've a sowl, your +honor," said he, solemnly, "little it is meself knows of the matter: and +after what I seen----" + +"What you've seen! Why, what _have_ you seen?--Barney, I don't want to +inquire into your flirtations; but don't suppose you can palm off your +saucer eyes and gig-lamps upon me!" + +"Then, as sure as your honor's standing there, I saw him: and why +wouldn't I, when Miss _Pauline_ was to the fore as well as meself, +and----" + +"Get along with your nonsense--leave the room, sir!" + +"But the master?" said Barney, imploringly; "and without a +breeches?--sure he'll be catching cowld----!" + +"Take that, rascal!" replied Ingoldsby, throwing a pair of pantaloons +at, rather than to, him: "but don't suppose, sir, you shall carry on +your tricks here with impunity; recollect there is such a thing as a +treadmill, and that my father is a county magistrate." + +Barney's eye flashed fire--he stood erect, and was about to speak; but, +mastering himself, not without an effort, he took up the garment, and +left the room as perpendicular as a Quaker. + + * * * * * + +"Ingoldsby," said Charles Seaforth, after breakfast, "this is now past a +joke; to-day is the last of my stay; for, notwithstanding the ties which +detain me, common decency obliges me to visit home after so long an +absence. I shall come to an immediate explanation with your father on +the subject nearest my heart, and depart while I have a change of dress +left. On his answer will my return depend! In the meantime tell me +candidly--I ask it in all seriousness, and as a friend--am I not a dupe +to your well-known propensity to hoaxing? have you not a hand in----" + +"No, by heaven, Seaforth; I see what you mean: on my honor, I am as much +mystified as yourself; and if your servant----" + +"Not he:--If there be a trick, he at least is not privy to it." + +"If there _be_ a trick? why, Charles, do you, think----" + +"I know not _what_ to think, Tom. As surely as you are a living man, so +surely did that spectral anatomy visit my room again last night, grin in +my face, and walk away with my trousers; nor was I able to spring from +my bed, or break the chain which seemed to bind me to my pillow." + +"Seaforth!" said Ingoldsby, after a short pause, "I will--But hush! here +are the girls and my father. I will carry off the females, and leave you +a clear field with the governor: carry your point with him, and we will +talk about your breeches afterwards." + +Tom's diversion was successful; he carried off the ladies _en masse_ to +look at a remarkable specimen of the class _Dodecandria +Monogynia_--which they could not find--while Seaforth marched boldly up +to the encounter, and carried "the governor's" outworks by a _coup de +main_. I shall not stop to describe the progress of the attack; suffice +it that it was as successful as could have been wished, and that +Seaforth was referred back again to the lady. The happy lover was off at +a tangent; the botanical party was soon overtaken; and the arm of +Caroline, whom a vain endeavor to spell out the Linnaean name of a +daffy-down-dilly had detained a little in the rear of the others, was +soon firmly locked in his own. + + What was the world to them, + Its noise, its nonsense and its "breeches" all? + +Seaforth was in the seventh heaven; he retired to his room that night as +happy as if no such thing as a goblin had ever been heard of, and +personal chattels were as well fenced in by law as real property. Not so +Tom Ingoldsby: the mystery--for mystery there evidently was--had not +only piqued his curiosity, but ruffled his temper. The watch of the +previous night had been unsuccessful, probably because it was +undisguised. To-night he would "ensconce himself"--not indeed "behind +the arras"--for the little that remained was, as we have seen, nailed to +the wall--but in a small closet which opened from one corner of the +room, and by leaving the door ajar, would give to its occupant a view of +all that might pass in the apartment. Here did the young ghost-hunter +take up a position, with a good stout sapling under his arm, a full +half-hour before Seaforth retired for the night. Not even his friend did +he let into his confidence, fully determined that if his plan did not +succeed, the failure should be attributed to himself alone. + +At the usual hour of separation for the night, Tom saw, from his +concealment, the lieutenant enter his room, and after taking a few turns +in it, with an expression so joyous as to betoken that his thoughts were +mainly occupied by his approaching happiness, proceed slowly to disrobe +himself. The coat, the waistcoat, the black silk stock, were gradually +discarded; the green morocco slippers were kicked off, and then--ay, and +then--his countenance grew grave; it seemed to occur to him all at once +that this was his last stake--nay, that the very breeches he had on were +not his own--that to-morrow morning was his last, and that if he lost +_them_--A glance showed that his mind was made up; he replaced the +single button he had just subducted, and threw himself upon the bed in a +state of transition--half chrysalis, half grub. + +Wearily did Tom Ingoldsby watch the sleeper by the flickering light of +the night-lamp, till the clock striking one, induced him to increase the +narrow opening which he had left for the purpose of observation. The +motion, slight as it was, seemed to attract Charles's attention; for he +raised himself suddenly to a sitting posture, listened for a moment, and +then stood upright upon the floor. Ingoldsby was on the point of +discovering himself, when, the light flashing full upon his friend's +countenance, he perceived that, though his eyes were open, "their sense +was shut"--that he was yet under the influence of sleep. Seaforth +advanced slowly to the toilet, lit his candle at the lamp that stood on +it, then, going back to the bed's foot, appeared to search eagerly for +something which he could not find. For a few moments he seemed restless +and uneasy, walking round the apartment and examining the chairs, till, +coming fully in front of a large swing-glass that flanked the +dressing-table, he paused as if contemplating his figure in it. He now +returned towards the bed; put on his slippers, and, with cautious and +stealthy steps, proceeded towards the little arched doorway that opened +on the private staircase. + +As he drew the bolt, Tom Ingoldsby emerged from his hiding-place; but +the sleep-walker heard him not; he proceeded softly downstairs, followed +at a due distance by his friend; opened the door which led out upon the +gardens; and stood at once among the thickest of the shrubs, which there +clustered round the base of a corner turret, and screened the postern +from common observation. At this moment Ingoldsby had nearly spoiled all +by making a false step: the sound attracted Seaforth's attention--he +paused and turned; and, as the full moon shed her light directly upon +his pale and troubled features, Tom marked, almost with dismay, the +fixed and rayless appearance of his eyes: + + There was no speculation in those orbs + That he did glare withal. + +The perfect stillness preserved by his follower seemed to reassure him; +he turned aside, and from the midst of a thickest laurustinus drew forth +a gardener's spade, shouldering which he proceeded with great rapidity +into the midst of the shrubbery. Arrived at a certain point where the +earth seemed to have been recently disturbed, he set himself heartily +to the task of digging, till, having thrown up several shovelfuls of +mould, he stopped, flung down his tool, and very composedly began to +disencumber himself of his pantaloons. + +Up to this moment Tom had watched him with a wary eye; he now advanced +cautiously, and, as his friend was busily engaged in disentangling +himself from his garment, made himself master of the spade. Seaforth, +meanwhile, had accomplished his purpose: he stood for a moment with + + His streamers waving in the wind, + +occupied in carefully rolling up the small-clothes into as compact a +form as possible, and all heedless of the breath of heaven, which might +certainly be supposed at such a moment, and in such a plight, to "visit +his frame too roughly." + +He was in the act of stooping low to deposit the pantaloons in the grave +which he had been digging for them, when Tom Ingoldsby came close behind +him, and with the flat side of the spade---- + + * * * * * + +The shock was effectual; never again was Lieutenant Seaforth known to +act the part of a somnambulist. One by one, his breeches--his +trousers--his pantaloons--his silk-net tights--his patent cords--his +showy greys with the broad red stripe of the Bombay Fencibles were +brought to light--rescued from the grave in which they had been buried, +like the strata of a Christmas pie; and after having been well aired by +Mrs. Botherby, became once again effective. + +The family, the ladies especially, laughed; the Peterses laughed; the +Simpkinsons laughed;--Barney Maguire cried "Botheration!" and _Ma'mselle +Pauline_, "_Mon Dieu!_" + +Charles Seaforth, unable to face the quizzing which awaited him on all +sides, started off two hours earlier than he had proposed:--he soon +returned, however; and having, at his father-in-law's request, given up +the occupation of Rajah-hunting and shooting Nabobs, led his blushing +bride to the altar. + +Mr. Simpkinson from Bath did not attend the ceremony, being engaged at +the Grand Junction meeting of _Scavans_, then, congregating from all +parts of the known world in the city of Dublin. His essay, demonstrating +that the globe is a great custard, whipped into coagulation by +whirlwinds and cooked by electricity--a little too much baked in the +Isle of Portland, and a thought underdone about the Bog of Allen--was +highly spoken of, and narrowly escaped obtaining a Bridgewater prize. + +Miss Simpkinson and her sister acted as brides-maids on the occasion; +the former wrote an _epithalamium_, and the latter cried "Lassy me!" at +the clergyman's wig. Some years have since rolled on; the union has been +crowned with two or three tidy little off-shoots from the family tree, +of whom Master Neddy is "grandpapa's darling," and Mary Anne mamma's +particular "Sock." I shall only add, that Mr. and Mrs. Seaforth are +living together quite as happily as two good-hearted, good-tempered +bodies, very fond of each other, can possibly do; and that, since the +day of his marriage, Charles has shown no disposition to jump out of +bed, or ramble out of doors o' nights--though from his entire devotion +to every wish and whim of his young wife, Tom insinuates that the fair +Caroline does still occasionally take advantage of it so far as to "slip +on the breeches." + + + + +IN THE BARN + +BY BURGES JOHNSON + +From the _Century Magazine_, June, 1920. By permission of the Century +Company and Burges Johnson. + + + + +In the Barn + +BY BURGES JOHNSON + + +The moment we had entered the barn, I regretted the rash good nature +which prompted me to consent to the plans of those vivacious young +students. Miss Anstell and Miss Royce and one or two others, often +leaders in student mischief, I suspect, were the first to enter, and +they amused themselves by hiding in the darkness and greeting the rest +of our party as we entered with sundry shrieks and moans such as are +commonly attributed to ghosts. My wife and I brought up the rear, +carrying the two farm lanterns. She had selected the place after an +amused consideration of the question, and I confess I hardly approved +her judgment. But she is native to this part of the country, and she had +assured us that there were some vague traditions hanging about the +building that made it most suitable for our purposes. + +It was a musty old place, without even as much tidiness as is usually +found in barns, and there was a dank smell about it, as though +generations of haymows had decayed there. There were holes in the floor, +and in the dusk of early evening it was necessary for us to pick our +way with the greatest care. It occurred to me then, in a premonitory +sort of way, that if some young woman student sprained her ankle in this +absurd environment, I should be most embarrassed to explain it. +Apparently it was a hay barn, whose vague dimensions were lost in +shadow. Rafters crossed its width about twenty feet above our heads, and +here and there a few boards lay across the rafters, furnishing foothold +for anyone who might wish to operate the ancient pulley that was +doubtless once used for lifting bales. The northern half of the floor +was covered with hay to a depth of two or three feet. How long it had +actually been there I cannot imagine. It was extremely dusty, and I +feared a recurrence of my old enemy, hay fever; but it was too late to +offer objection on such grounds, and my wife and I followed our +chattering guides, who disposed themselves here and there on this +ancient bed of hay, and insisted that we should find places in the +center of their circle. + +At my suggestion, the two farm lanterns had been left at a suitable +distance, in fact, quite at the other side of the barn, and our only +light came from the rapidly falling twilight of outdoors, which found +its way through a little window and sundry cracks high in the eaves +above the rafters. + +There was something about the place, now that we were settled and no +longer occupied with adjustments of comfort, that subdued our spirits, +and it was with much less hilarity that the young people united in +demanding a story. I looked across at my wife, whose face was faintly +visible within the circle. I thought that even in the half-light I +glimpsed the same expression of amused incredulity which she had worn +earlier in the day when I had yielded to the importunities of a +deputation of my students for this ghost-story party on the eve of a +holiday. + +"There is no reason," I thought to myself, repeating the phrases I had +used then--"there is no reason why I should not tell a ghost story. +True, I had never done so before, but the literary attainments which +have enabled me to perfect my recent treatise upon the 'Disuse of the +Comma' are quite equal to impromptu experimentation in the field of +psychic phenomena." I was aware that the young people themselves hardly +expected serious acquiescence, and that, too, stimulated me. I cleared +my throat in a prefatory manner, and silence fell upon the group. A +light breeze had risen outside, and the timbers of the barn creaked +persistently. From the shadows almost directly overhead there came a +faint clanking. It was evidently caused by the rusty pulley-wheel which +I had observed there as we entered. An iron hook at the end of an +ancient rope still depended from it, and swung in the lightly stirring +air several feet above our heads, directly over the center of our +circle. + +Some curious combination of influences--perhaps the atmosphere of the +place, added to the stimulation of the faintly discernible faces around +me, and my impulse to prove my own ability in this untried field of +narration--gave me a sudden sense of being inspired. I found myself +voicing fancies as though they were facts, and readily including +imaginary names and data which certainly were not in any way +premeditated. + +"This barn stands on the old Creed place," I began. "Peter Creed was its +last owner, but I suppose that it has always been and always will be +known as the Turner barn. A few yards away to the south you will find +the crumbling brick-work and gaping hollows of an old foundation, now +overgrown with weeds that almost conceal a few charred timbers. That is +all that is left of the old Ashley Turner house." + +I cleared my throat again, not through any effort to gain time for my +thoughts, but to feel for a moment the satisfaction arising from the +intent attitude of my audience, particularly my wife, who had leaned +forward and was looking at me with an expression of startled surprise. + +"Ashley Turner must have had a pretty fine-looking farm here thirty +years or so ago," I continued, "when he brought his wife to it. This +barn was new then. But he was a ne'er-do-well, with nothing to be said +in his favor, unless you admit his fame as a practical joker. Strange +how the ne'er-do-well is often equipped with an extravagant sense of +humor! Turner had a considerable retinue among the riffraff boys of the +neighborhood, who made this barn a noisy rendezvous and followed his +hints in much whimsical mischief. But he committed most of his practical +jokes when drunk, and in his sober moments he abused his family and let +his wife struggle to keep up the acres, assisted only by a +half-competent man of all work. Finally he took to roving. No one knew +how he got pocket-money; his wife could not have given him any. Then +someone discovered that he was going over to Creed's now and then, and +everything was explained." + +This concise data of mine was evidently not holding the close attention +of my youthful audience. They annoyed me by frequent pranks and +whisperings. No one could have been more surprised at my glibness than I +myself, except perhaps my wife, whose attitude of strained attention had +not relaxed. I resumed my story. + +"Peter Creed was a good old-fashioned usurer of the worst type. He went +to church regularly one day in the week and gouged his neighbors--any +that he could get into his clutches--on the other six. He must have been +lending Turner drinking money, and everyone knew what the security must +be. + +"At last there came a day when the long-suffering wife revolted. Turner +had come home extra drunk and in his most maudlin humor. Probably he +attempted some drunken prank upon his over-taxed helpmate. Old Ike, the +hired man, said that he thought Turner had rigged up some scare for her +in the barn and that he had never heard anything so much like straight +talking from his mistress, either before or since, and he was working in +the woodshed at the time, with the door shut. Shortly after that tirade +Ashley Turner disappeared, and no one saw or heard of him or thought +about him for a couple of years except when the sight of his +tired-looking wife and scrawny children revived the recollection. + +"At last, on a certain autumn day, old Peter Creed turned up here at the +Turner place. I imagine Mrs. Turner knew what was in store for her when +his rusty buggy came in sight around the corner of the barn. At any +rate, she made no protest, and listened meekly to his curt statement +that he held an overdue mortgage, with plenty of back interest owing, +and it was time for her to go. She went. Neither she nor anyone else +doubted Creed's rights in the matter, and, after all, I believe it got a +better home for her somewhere in the long run." + +I paused here in my narration to draw breath and readjust my leg, which +had become cramped. There was a general readjustment and shifting of +position, with some levity. It was darker now. The rafters above us were +invisible, and the faces about me looked oddly white against the shadowy +background. After a moment or two of delay I cleared my throat sharply +and continued. + +"Old Creed came thus into possession of this place, just as he had come +to own a dozen others in the county. He usually lived on one until he +was able to sell it at a good profit over his investment; so he settled +down in the Turner house, and kept old Ike because he worked for little +or nothing. But he seemed to have a hard time finding a purchaser. + +"It must have been about a year later when an unexpected thing happened. +Creed had come out here to the barn to lock up--he always did that +himself--when he noticed something unusual about the haymow--this +haymow--which stood then about six feet above the barn floor. He looked +closer through the dusk, and saw a pair of boots; went nearer, and found +that they were fitted to a pair of human legs whose owner was sound +asleep in his hay. Creed picked up a short stick and beat on one boot. + +"'Get out of here,' he said, 'or I'll have you locked up.' The sleeper +woke in slow fashion, sat up, grinned, and said: + +"'Hello, Peter Creed.' It was Ashley Turner, beyond question. Creed +stepped back a pace or two and seemed at a loss for words. An object +slipped from Turner's pocket as he moved, slid along the hay, and fell +to the barn floor. It was a half-filled whisky-flask. + +"No one knows full details of the conversation that ensued, of course. +Such little as I am able to tell you of what was said and done comes +through old Ike, who watched from a safe distance outside the barn, +ready to act at a moment's notice as best suited his own safety and +welfare. Of one thing Ike was certain--Creed lacked his usual +browbeating manner. He was apparently struggling to assume an unwonted +friendliness. Turner was very drunk, but triumphant, and his +satisfaction over what he must have felt was the practical joke of his +life seemed to make him friendly. + +"'I kept 'em all right,' he said again and again. 'I've got the proof. I +wasn't working for nothing all these months. I ain't fool enough yet to +throw away papers even when I'm drunk.' + +"To the watchful Ike's astonishment, Creed evidently tried to persuade +him to come into the house for something to eat. Turner slid off the +haymow, found his steps too unsteady, laughed foolishly, and suggested +that Creed bring some food to him there. 'Guess I've got a right to +sleep in the barn or house, whichever I want,' he said, leering into +Creed's face. The old usurer stood there for a few minutes eying Turner +thoughtfully. Then he actually gave him a shoulder back onto the hay, +said something about finding a snack of supper, and started out of the +barn. In the doorway he turned, looked back, then walked over to the +edge of the mow and groped on the floor until he found the whisky-flask, +picked it up, tossed it into Turner's lap, and stumbled out of the barn +again." + +I was becoming interested in my own story and somewhat pleased with the +fluency of it, but my audience annoyed me. There was intermittent +whispering, with some laughter, and I inferred that one or another +would occasionally stimulate this inattention by tickling a companion +with a straw. Miss Anstell, who is so frivolous by nature that I +sometimes question her right to a place in my classroom, I even +suspected of irritating the back of my own neck in the same fashion. +Naturally, I ignored it. + +"Peter Creed," I repeated, "went into the house. Ike hung around the +barn, waiting. He was frankly curious. In a few minutes his employer +reappeared, carrying a plate heaped with an assortment of scraps. Ike +peered and listened then without compunction. + +"'It's the best I've got,' he heard Creed say grudgingly. Turner's tones +were now more drunkenly belligerent. + +"'It had better be,' he said loudly. 'And I'll take the best bed after +to-night.' Evidently he was eating and muttering between mouthfuls. 'You +might have brought me another bottle.' + +"'I did,' said Creed, to the listening Ike's great astonishment. Turner +laughed immoderately. + +"A long silence followed. Turner was either eating or drinking. Then he +spoke again, more thickly and drowsily. + +"'Damn unpleasant that rope. Why don't you haul it up out of my way?' + +"'It don't hurt you any,' said Creed. + +"'Don't you wish it would?' said Turner, with drunken shrewdness. 'But I +don't like it. Haul it away.' + +"'I will,' said Creed. + +"There was a longer silence, and then there came an intermittent rasping +sound. A moment later Creed came suddenly from the barn. Ike fumbled +with a large rake, and made as though to hang it on its accustomed peg +near the barn door. Creed eyed him sharply. 'Get along to bed,' he +ordered, and Ike obeyed. + +"That was a Saturday night. On Sunday morning Ike went to the barn later +than usual and hesitatingly. Even then he was first to enter. He found +the drunkard's body hanging here over the mow, just about where we are +sitting, stark and cold. It was a gruesome end to a miserable +home-coming." + +My audience was quiet enough now. Miss Anstell and one or two others +giggled loudly, but it was obviously forced, and found no further echo. +The breeze which had sprung up some time before was producing strange +creakings and raspings in the old timbers, and the pulley-wheel far +above us clanked with a dismal repetitious sound, like the tolling of a +cracked bell. + +I waited a moment, well satisfied with the effect, and then continued. + +"The coroner's jury found it suicide, though some shook their heads +meaningly. Turner had apparently sobered up enough to stand, and, making +a simple loop around his neck by catching the rope through its own hook, +had then slid off the mow. The rope which went over the pulley-wheel up +there in the roof ran out through a window under the eaves, and was made +fast near the barn door outside, where anyone could haul on it. Creed +testified the knot was one he had tied many days before. Ike was a +timorous old man, with a wholesome fear of his employer, and he +supported the testimony and made no reference to his eavesdropping of +the previous evening, though he heard Creed swear before the jury that +he did not recognize the tramp he had fed and lodged. There were no +papers in Turner's pockets; only a few coins, and a marked pocket-knife +that gave the first clue to his identity. + +"A few of the neighbors said that it was a fitting end, and that the +verdict was a just one. Nevertheless, whisperings began and increased. +People avoided Creed and the neighborhood. Rumors grew that the barn was +haunted. Passers-by on the road after dark said they heard the old +pulley-wheel clanking when no breeze stirred, much as you hear it now. +Some claim to have heard maudlin laughter. Possible purchasers were +frightened away, and Creed grew more and more solitary and misanthropic. +Old Ike hung on, Heaven knows why, though I suppose Creed paid him some +sort of wage. + +"Rumors grew. Folks said that neither Ike nor Creed entered this barn +after a time, and no hay was put in, though Creed would not have been +Creed if he had not sold off the bulk of what he had, ghost or no ghost. +I can imagine him slowly forking it out alone, daytimes, and the amount +of hay still here proves that even he finally lost courage." + +I paused a moment, but though there was much uneasy stirring about, and +the dismal clanking directly above us was incessant, no one of my +audience spoke. It was wholly dark now, and I think all had drawn closer +together. + +"About ten years ago people began calling Creed crazy." Here I was +forced to interrupt my own story. "I shall have to ask you, Miss +Anstell, to stop annoying me. I have been aware for some moments that +you are brushing my head with a straw, but I have ignored it for the +sake of the others." Out of the darkness came Miss Anstell's voice, +protesting earnestly, and I realized from the direction of the sound +that in the general readjustment she must have settled down in the very +center of our circle, and could not be the one at fault. One of the +others was childish enough to simulate a mocking burst of raucous +laughter, but I chose to ignore it. + +"Very well," said I, graciously; "shall I go on?" + +"Go on," echoed a subdued chorus. + +"It was the night of the twenty-eighth of May, ten years ago----" + +"Not the twenty-eighth," broke in my wife's voice, sharply; "that is +to-day's date." There was a note in her voice that I hardly recognized, +but it indicated that she was in some way affected by my narration, and +I felt a distinct sense of triumph. + +"It was the night of May twenty-eighth," I repeated firmly. + +"Are you making up this story?" my wife's voice continued, still with +the same odd tone. + +"I am, my dear, and you are interrupting it." + +"But an Ashley Turner and later a Peter Creed owned this place," she +persisted almost in a whisper, "and I am sure you never heard of them." + +I confess that I might wisely have broken off my story then and called +for a light. There had been an hysterical note in my wife's voice, and I +was startled at her words, for I had no conscious recollection of either +name; yet I felt a resultant exhilaration. Our lanterns had grown +strangely dim, though I was certain both had been recently trimmed and +filled; and from their far corner of the barn they threw no light +whatever into our circle. I faced an utter blackness. + +"On that night," said I, "old Ike was wakened by sounds as of someone +fumbling to unbar and open the housedoor. It was an unwonted hour, and +he peered from the window of his little room. By the dim starlight--it +was just before dawn--he could see all of the open yard and roadway +before the house, with the great barn looming like a black and sinister +shadow as its farther barrier. Crossing this space, he saw the figure of +Peter Creed, grotesquely stooped and old in the obscuring gloom, moving +slowly, almost gropingly, and yet directly, as though impelled, toward +the barn's overwhelming shadow. Slowly he unbarred the great door, +swung it open, and entered the blacker shadows it concealed. The door +closed after him. + +"Ike in his secure post of observation did not stir. He could not. Even +to his crude imagining there was something utterly horrible in the +thought of Creed alone at that hour in just such black darkness as this, +with the great timbered chamber haunted at least by its dread memories. +He could only wait, tense and fearful of he knew not what. + +"A shriek that pierced the silence relaxed his tension, bringing almost +a sense of relief, so definite had been his expectancy. But it was a +burst of shrill laughter, ribald, uncanny, undeniable, accompanying the +shriek that gave him power of motion. He ran half naked a quarter of a +mile to the nearest neighbor's and told his story." + + * * * * * + +"They found Creed hanging, the rope hooked simply around his neck. It +was a silent jury that filed from the barn that morning after viewing +the body. 'Suicide,' said they, after Ike, shivering and stammering, had +testified, harking back to the untold evidence of that other morning +years before. Yes, Creed was dead, with a terrible look on his wizen +face, and the dusty old rope ran through its pulley-wheel and was fast +to a beam high above. + +"'He must of climbed to the beam, made the rope fast, and jumped,' said +the foreman, solemnly. 'He must of, he must of,' repeated the man, +parrot-like, while the sweat stood out on his forehead, 'because there +wasn't no other way; but as God is my judge, the knot in the rope and +the dust on the beam ain't been disturbed for years.'" + +At this dramatic climax there was an audible sigh from my audience. I +sat quietly for a time, content to allow the silence and the atmosphere +of the place, which actually seemed surcharged with influences not of my +creation, to add to the effect my story had caused. There was scarcely a +movement in our circle; of that I felt sure. And yet once more, out of +the almost tangible darkness above me, something seemed to reach down +and brush against my head. A slight motion of air, sufficient to disturb +my rather scanty locks, was additional proof that I was the butt of some +prank that had just missed its objective. Then, with a fearful +suddenness, close to my ear burst a shrill discord of laughter, so +uncanny and so unlike the usual sound of student merriment that I +started up, half wondering if I had heard it. Almost immediately after +it the heavy darkness was torn again by a shriek so terrible in its +intensity as completely to differentiate it from the other cries which +followed. + +"Bring a light!" cried a voice that I recognized as that of my wife, +though strangely distorted by emotion. There was a great confusion. +Young women struggled from their places and impeded one another in the +darkness; but finally, and it seemed an unbearable delay, someone +brought a single lantern. + +Its frail light revealed Miss Anstell half upright from her place in the +center of our circle, my wife's arms sustaining her weight. Her face, as +well as I could see it, seemed darkened and distorted, and when we +forced her clutching hands away from her bared throat we could see, even +in that light, the marks of an angry, throttling scar entirely +encircling it. Just above her head the old pulley-rope swayed menacingly +in the faint breeze. + +My recollection is even now confused as to the following moments and our +stumbling escape from that gruesome spot. Miss Anstell is now at her +home, recovering from what her physician calls mental shock. My wife +will not speak of it. The questions I would ask her are checked on my +lips by the look of utter terror in her eyes. As I have confessed to +you, my own philosophy is hard put to it to withstand not so much the +community attitude toward what they are pleased to call my taste in +practical joking, but to assemble and adjust the facts of my +experience. + + + + +A SHADY PLOT + +BY ELSIE BROWN + +This story was submitted as a class exercise in one of my short-story +classes at Columbia University. At my request the author, Elsie Brown, +contributed it to this volume. + + + + +A Shady Plot + +BY ELSIE BROWN + + +So I sat down to write a ghost story. + +Jenkins was responsible. + +"Hallock," he had said to me, "give us another on the supernatural this +time. Something to give 'em the horrors; that's what the public wants, +and your ghosts are live propositions." + +Well, I was in no position to contradict Jenkins, for, as yet, his +magazine had been the only one to print my stuff. So I had said, +"Precisely!" in the deepest voice I was capable of, and had gone out. + +I hadn't the shade of an idea, but at the time that didn't worry me in +the least. You see, I had often been like that before and in the end +things had always come my way--I didn't in the least know how or why. It +had all been rather mysterious. You understand I didn't specialize in +ghost stories, but more or less they seemed to specialize in me. A ghost +story had been the first fiction I had written. Curious how that idea +for a plot had come to me out of nowhere after I had chased inspiration +in vain for months! Even now whenever Jenkins wanted a ghost, he called +on me. And I had never found it healthy to contradict Jenkins. Jenkins +always seemed to have an uncanny knowledge as to when the landlord or +the grocer were pestering me, and he dunned me for a ghost. And somehow +I'd always been able to dig one up for him, so I'd begun to get a bit +cocky as to my ability. + +So I went home and sat down before my desk and sucked at the end of my +pencil and waited, but nothing happened. Pretty soon my mind began to +wander off on other things, decidedly unghostly and material things, +such as my wife's shopping and how on earth I was going to cure her of +her alarming tendency to take every new fad that came along and work it +to death. But I realized _that_ would never get me any place, so I went +back to staring at the ceiling. + +"This writing business _is_ delightful, isn't it?" I said sarcastically at +last, out loud, too. You see, I had reached the stage of imbecility when +I was talking to myself. + +"Yes," said a voice at the other end of the room, "I should say it is!" + +I admit I jumped. Then I looked around. + +It was twilight by this time and I had forgotten to turn on the lamp. +The other end of the room was full of shadows and furniture. I sat +staring at it and presently noticed something just taking shape. It was +exactly like watching one of these moving picture cartoons being put +together. First an arm came out, then a bit of sleeve of a stiff white +shirtwaist, then a leg and a plaid skirt, until at last there she was +complete,--whoever she was. + +She was long and angular, with enormous fishy eyes behind big +bone-rimmed spectacles, and her hair in a tight wad at the back of her +head (yes, I seemed able to see right through her head) and a jaw--well, +it looked so solid that for the moment I began to doubt my very own +senses and believe she was real after all. + +She came over and stood in front of me and glared--yes, positively +glared down at me, although (to my knowledge) I had never laid eyes on +the woman before, to say nothing of giving her cause to look at me like +that. + +I sat still, feeling pretty helpless I can tell you, and at last she +barked: + +"What are you gaping at?" + +I swallowed, though I hadn't been chewing anything. + +"Nothing," I said. "Absolutely nothing. My dear lady, I was merely +waiting for you to tell me why you had come. And excuse me, but do you +always come in sections like this? I should think your parts might get +mixed up sometimes." + +"Didn't you send for me?" she crisped. + +Imagine how I felt at that! + +"Why, no. I--I don't seem to remember----" + +"Look here. Haven't you been calling on heaven and earth all afternoon +to help you write a story?" + +I nodded, and then a possible explanation occurred to me and my spine +got cold. Suppose this was the ghost of a stenographer applying for a +job! I had had an advertisement in the paper recently. I opened my mouth +to explain that the position was filled, and permanently so, but she +stopped me. + +"And when I got back to the office from my last case and was ready for +you, didn't you switch off to something else and sit there driveling so +I couldn't attract your attention until just now?" + +"I--I'm very sorry, really." + +"Well, you needn't be, because I just came to tell you to stop bothering +us for assistance; you ain't going to get it. We're going on Strike!" + +"What!" + +"You don't have to yell at me." + +"I--I didn't mean to yell," I said humbly. "But I'm afraid I didn't +quite understand you. You said you were----" + +"Going on strike. Don't you know what a strike is? Not another plot do +you get from us!" + +I stared at her and wet my lips. + +"Is--is that where they've been coming from?" + +"Of course. Where else?" + +"But my ghosts aren't a bit like you----" + +"If they were people wouldn't believe in them." She draped herself on +the top of my desk among the pens and ink bottles and leaned towards me. +"In the other life _I_ used to write." + +"You did!" + +She nodded. + +"But that has nothing to do with my present form. It might have, but I +gave it up at last for that very reason, and went to work as a reader on +a magazine." She sighed, and rubbed the end of her long eagle nose with +a reminiscent finger. "Those were terrible days; the memory of them made +me mistake purgatory for paradise, and at last when I attained my +present state of being, I made up my mind that something should be done. +I found others who had suffered similarly, and between us we organized +'The Writer's Inspiration Bureau.' We scout around until we find a +writer without ideas and with a mind soft enough to accept impression. +The case is brought to the attention of the main office, and one of us +assigned to it. When that case is finished we bring in a report." + +"But I never saw you before----" + +"And you wouldn't have this time if I hadn't come to announce the +strike. Many a time I've leaned on your shoulder when you've thought +_you_ were thinking hard--" I groaned, and clutched my hair. The very +idea of that horrible scarecrow so much as touching me! and wouldn't my +wife be shocked! I shivered. "But," she continued, "that's at an end. +We've been called out of our beds a little too often in recent years, +and now we're through." + +"But my dear madam, I assure you I have had nothing to do with that. I +hope I'm properly grateful and all that, you see." + +"Oh, it isn't you," she explained patronizingly. "It's those Ouija board +fanatics. There was a time when we had nothing much to occupy us and +used to haunt a little on the side, purely for amusement, but not any +more. We've had to give up haunting almost entirely. We sit at a desk +and answer questions now. And such questions!" + +She shook her head hopelessly, and taking off her glasses wiped them, +and put them back on her nose again. + +"But what have I got to do with this?" + +She gave me a pitying look and rose. + +"You're to exert your influence. Get all your friends and acquaintances +to stop using the Ouija board, and then we'll start helping you to +write." + +"But----" + +There was a footstep outside my door. + +"John! Oh, John!" called the voice of my wife. + +I waved my arms at the ghost with something of the motion of a beginner +when learning to swim. + +"Madam, I must ask you to leave, and at once. Consider the impression if +you were seen here----" + +The ghost nodded, and began, very sensibly, I thought, to demobilize and +evaporate. First the brogans on her feet grew misty until I could see +the floor through them, then the affection spread to her knees and +gradually extended upward. By this time my wife was opening the door. + +"Don't forget the strike," she repeated, while her lower jaw began to +disintegrate, and as my Lavinia crossed the room to me the last vestige +of her ear faded into space. + +"John, why in the world are you sitting in the dark?" + +"Just--thinking, my dear." + +"Thinking, rubbish! You were talking out loud." + +I remained silent while she lit the lamps, thankful that her back was +turned to me. When I am nervous or excited there is a muscle in my face +that starts to twitch, and this pulls up one corner of my mouth and +gives the appearance of an idiotic grin. So far I had managed to conceal +this affliction from Lavinia. + +"You know I bought the loveliest thing this afternoon. Everybody's wild +over them!" + +I remembered her craze for taking up new fads and a premonitory chill +crept up the back of my neck. + +"It--it isn't----" I began and stopped. I simply couldn't ask; the +possibility was too horrible. + +"You'd never guess in the world. It's the duckiest, darlingest Ouija +board, and so cheap! I got it at a bargain sale. Why, what's the matter, +John?" + +I felt things slipping. + +"Nothing," I said, and looked around for the ghost. Suppose she had +lingered, and upon hearing what my wife had said should suddenly +appear----Like all sensitive women, Lavinia was subject to hysterics. + +"But you looked so funny----" + +"I--I always do when I'm interested," I gulped. "But don't you think +that was a foolish thing to buy?" + +"Foolish! Oh, John! Foolish! And after me getting it for you!" + +"For me! What do you mean?" + +"To help you write your stories. Why, for instance, suppose you wanted +to write an historical novel. You wouldn't have to wear your eyes out +over those musty old books in the public library. All you'd have to do +would be to get out your Ouija and talk to Napoleon, or William the +Conqueror, or Helen of Troy--well, maybe not Helen--anyhow you'd have +all the local color you'd need, and without a speck of trouble. And +think how easy writing your short stories will be now." + +"But Lavinia, you surely don't believe in Ouija boards." + +"I don't know, John--they are awfully thrilling." + +She had seated herself on the arm of my chair and was looking dreamily +across the room. I started and turned around. There was nothing there, +and I sank back with relief. So far so good. + +"Oh, certainly, they're thrilling all right. That's just it, they're a +darn sight too thrilling. They're positively devilish. Now, Lavinia, you +have plenty of sense, and I want you to get rid of that thing just as +soon as you can. Take it back and get something else." + +My wife crossed her knees and stared at me through narrowed lids. + +"John Hallock," she said distinctly. "I don't propose to do anything of +the kind. In the first place they won't exchange things bought at a +bargain sale, and in the second, if you aren't interested in the other +world _I_ am. So there!" and she slid down and walked from the room +before I could think of a single thing to say. She walked very huffily. + +Well, it was like that all the rest of the evening. Just as soon as I +mentioned Ouija boards I felt things begin to cloud up; so I decided to +let it go for the present, in the hope that she might be more reasonable +later. + +After supper I had another try at the writing, but as my mind continued +a perfect blank I gave it up and went off to bed. + +The next day was Saturday, and it being near the end of the month and a +particularly busy day, I left home early without seeing Lavinia. +Understand, I haven't quite reached the point where I can give my whole +time to writing, and being bookkeeper for a lumber company does help +with the grocery bills and pay for Lavinia's fancy shopping. Friday had +been a half holiday, and of course when I got back the work was piled up +pretty high; so high, in fact, that ghosts and stories and everything +else vanished in a perfect tangle of figures. + +When I got off the street car that evening my mind was still churning. +I remember now that I noticed, even from the corner, how brightly the +house was illuminated, but at the time that didn't mean anything to me. +I recall as I went up the steps and opened the door I murmured: + +"Nine times nine is eighty-one!" + +And then Gladolia met me in the hall. + +"Misto Hallock, de Missus sho t'inks you's lost! She say she done 'phone +you dis mawnin' to be home early, but fo' de lawd's sake not to stop to +argify now, but get ready fo' de company an' come on down." + +Some memory of a message given me by one of the clerks filtered back +through my brain, but I had been hunting three lost receipts at the +time, and had completely forgotten it. + +"Company?" I said stupidly. "What company?" + +"De Missus's Ouija boahrd pahrty," said Gladolia, and rolling her eyes +she disappeared in the direction of the kitchen. + +I must have gone upstairs and dressed and come down again, for I +presently found myself standing in the dimly lighted lower hall wearing +my second best suit and a fresh shirt and collar. But I have no +recollections of the process. + +There was a great chattering coming from our little parlor and I went +over to the half-opened door and peered through. + +The room was full of women--most of them elderly--whom I recognized as +belonging to my wife's Book Club. They were sitting in couples, and +between each couple was a Ouija board! The mournful squeak of the legs +of the moving triangular things on which they rested their fingers +filled the air and mixed in with the conversation. I looked around for +the ghost with my heart sunk down to zero. What if Lavinia should see +her and go mad before my eyes! And then my wife came and tapped me on +the shoulder. + +"John," she said in her sweetest voice, and I noticed that her cheeks +were very pink and her eyes very bright. My wife is never so pretty as +when she's doing something she knows I disapprove of, "John, dear I know +you'll help us out. Mrs. William Augustus Wainright 'phoned at the last +moment to say that she couldn't possibly come, and that leaves poor +Laura Hinkle without a partner. Now, John, I know _some_ people can work +a Ouija by themselves, but Laura can't, and she'll just have a horrible +time unless you----" + +"Me!" I gasped. "Me! I won't----" but even as I spoke she had taken my +arm, and the next thing I knew I was sitting with the thing on my knees +and Miss Laura Hinkle opposite, grinning in my face like a flirtatious +crocodile. + +"I--I won't----" I began. + +"Now, Mr. Hallock, don't you be shy." Miss Laura Hinkle leaned forward +and shook a bony finger almost under my chin. + +"I--I'm not! Only I say I won't----!" + +"No, it's very easy, really. You just put the tips of your fingers +right here beside the tips of my fingers----" + +And the first thing I knew she had taken my hands and was coyly holding +them in the position desired. She released them presently, and the +little board began to slide around in an aimless sort of way. There +seemed to be some force tugging it about. I looked at my partner, first +with suspicion, and then with a vast relief. If she was doing it, then +all that talk about spirits----Oh, I did hope Miss Laura Hinkle was +cheating with that board! + +"Ouija, dear, won't you tell us something?" she cooed, and on the +instant the thing seemed to take life. + +It rushed to the upper left hand corner of the board and hovered with +its front leg on the word "Yes." Then it began to fly around so fast +that I gave up any attempt to follow it. My companion was bending +forward and had started to spell out loud: + +"'T-r-a-i-t-o-r.' Traitor! Why, what does she mean?" + +"I don't know," I said desperately. My collar felt very tight. + +"But she must mean something. Ouija, dear, won't you explain yourself +more fully?" + +"'A-s-k-h-i-m!' Ask him. Ask who, Ouija?" + +"I--I'm going." I choked and tried to get up but my fingers seemed stuck +to that dreadful board and I dropped back again. + +Apparently Miss Hinkle had not heard my protest. The thing was going +around faster than ever and she was reading the message silently, with +her brow corrugated, and the light of the huntress in her pale blue +eyes. + +"Why, she says it's you, Mr. Hallock. What _does_ she mean? Ouija, won't +you tell us who is talking?" + +I groaned, but that inexorable board continued to spell. I always did +hate a spelling match! Miss Hinkle was again following it aloud: + +"'H-e-l-e-n.' Helen!" She raised her voice until it could be heard at +the other end of the room. "Lavinia, dear, do you know anyone by the +name of Helen?" + +"By the name of----? I can't hear you." And my wife made her way over to +us between the Book Club's chairs. + +"You know the funniest thing has happened," she whispered excitedly. +"Someone had been trying to communicate with John through Mrs. Hunt's +and Mrs. Sprinkle's Ouija! Someone by the name of Helen----" + +"Why, _isn't_ that curious!" + +"What is?" + +Miss Hinkle simpered. + +"Someone giving the name of Helen has just been calling for your husband +here." + +"But we don't know anyone by the name of Helen----" + +Lavinia stopped and began to look at me through narrowed lids much as +she had done in the library the evening before. + +And then from different parts of the room other manipulators began to +report. Every plagued one of those five Ouija boards was calling me by +name! I felt my ears grow crimson, purple, maroon. My wife was looking +at me as though I were some peculiar insect. The squeak of Ouija boards +and the murmur of conversation rose louder and louder, and then I felt +my face twitch in the spasm of that idiotic grin. I tried to straighten +my wretched features into their usual semblance of humanity, I tried +and---- + +"Doesn't he look sly!" said Miss Hinkle. And then I got up and fled from +the room. + +I do not know how that party ended. I do not want to know. I went +straight upstairs, and undressed and crawled into bed, and lay there in +the burning dark while the last guest gurgled in the hall below about +the wonderful evening she had spent. I lay there while the front door +shut after her, and Lavinia's steps came up the stairs and--passed the +door to the guest room beyond. And then after a couple of centuries +elapsed the clock struck three and I dozed off to sleep. + +At the breakfast table the next morning there was no sign of my wife. I +concluded she was sleeping late, but Gladolia, upon being questioned, +only shook her head, muttered something, and turned the whites of her +eyes up to the ceiling. I was glad when the meal was over and hurried +to the library for another try at that story. + +I had hardly seated myself at the desk when there came a tap at the door +and a white slip of paper slid under it. I unfolded it and read: + + "DEAR JOHN, + + "I am going back to my grandmother. My lawyer will + communicate with you later." + +"Oh," I cried. "Oh, I wish I was dead!" + +And: + +"That's exactly what you ought to be!" said that horrible voice from the +other end of the room. + +I sat up abruptly--I had sunk into a chair under the blow of the +letter--then I dropped back again and my hair rose in a thick prickle on +the top of my head. Coming majestically across the floor towards me was +a highly polished pair of thick laced shoes. I stared at them in a sort +of dreadful fascination, and then something about their gait attracted +my attention and I recognized them. + +"See here," I said sternly. "What do you mean by appearing here like +this?" + +"_I_ can't help it," said the voice, which seemed to come from a point +about five and a half feet above the shoes. I raised my eyes and +presently distinguished her round protruding mouth. + +"Why can't you? A nice way to act, to walk in sections----" + +"If you'll give me time," said the mouth in an exasperated voice, "I +assure you the rest of me will presently arrive." + +"But what's the matter with you? You never acted this way before." + +She seemed stung to make a violent effort, for a portion of a fishy eye +and the end of her nose popped into view with a suddenness that made me +jump. + +"It's all your fault." She glared at me, while part of her hair and her +plaid skirt began slowly to take form. + +"My fault!" + +"Of course. How can you keep a lady up working all night and then expect +her to retain all her faculties the next day? I'm just too tired to +materialize." + +"Then why did you bother?" + +"Because I was sent to ask when your wife is going to get rid of that +Ouija board." + +"How should I know! I wish to heaven I'd never seen you!" I cried. "Look +what you've done! You've lost me my wife, you've lost me my home and +happiness, you've----you've----" + +"Misto Hallock," came from the hall outside, "Misto Hallock, I's gwine +t' quit. I don't like no hoodoos." And the steps retreated. + +"You've----you've lost me my cook----" + +"I didn't come here to be abused," said the ghost coldly. "I--I----" + +And then the door opened and Lavinia entered. She wore the brown hat and +coat she usually travels in and carried a suitcase which she set down +on the floor. + +That suitcase had an air of solid finality about it, and its lock leered +at me brassily. + +I leaped from my chair with unaccustomed agility and sprang in front of +my wife. I must conceal that awful phantom from her, at any risk! + +She did not look at me, or--thank heaven!--behind me, but fixed her +injured gaze upon the waste-basket, as if to wrest dark secrets from it. + +"I have come to tell you that I am leaving," she staccatoed. + +"Oh, yes, yes!" I agreed, flapping my arms about to attract attention +from the corner. "That's fine--great!" + +"So you want me to go, do you?" she demanded. + +"Sure, yes--right away! Change of air will do you good. I'll join you +presently!" If only she would go till Helen could _de_-part! I'd have +the devil of a time explaining afterward, of course, but anything would +be better than to have Lavinia see a ghost. Why, that sensitive little +woman couldn't bear to have a mouse say boo at her--and what would she +say to a ghost in her own living-room? + +Lavinia cast a cold eye upon me. "You are acting very queerly," she +sniffed. "You are concealing something from me." + +Just then the door opened and Gladolia called, "Mis' Hallock! Mis' +Hallock! I've come to tell you I'se done lef' dis place." + +My wife turned her head a moment. "But why, Gladolia?" + +"I ain't stayin' round no place 'long wid dem Ouija board contraptions. +I'se skeered of hoodoos. I's done gone, I is." + +"Is that all you've got to complain about?" Lavinia inquired. + +"Yes, ma'am." + +"All right, then. Go back to the kitchen. You can use the board for +kindling wood." + +"Who? Me touch dat t'ing? No, ma'am, not dis nigger!" + +"I'll be the coon to burn it," I shouted. "I'll be glad to burn it." + +Gladolia's heavy steps moved off kitchenward. + +Then my Lavinia turned waspishly to me again. "John, there's not a bit +of use trying to deceive me. What is it you are trying to conceal from +me?" + +"Who? Me? Oh, no," I lied elaborately, looking around to see if that +dratted ghost was concealed enough. She was so big, and I'm rather a +smallish man. But that was a bad move on my part. + +"John," Lavinia demanded like a ward boss, "you are hiding some_body_ in +here! Who is it?" + +I only waved denial and gurgled in my throat. She went on, "It's bad +enough to have you flirt over the Ouija board with that hussy----" + +"Oh, the affair was quite above-board, I assure you, my love!" I cried, +leaping lithely about to keep her from focusing her gaze behind me. + +She thrust me back with sudden muscle. "_I will_ see who's behind you! +Where is that Helen?" + +"Me? I'm Helen," came from the ghost. + +Lavinia looked at that apparition, that owl-eyed phantom, in plaid skirt +and stiff shirtwaist, with hair skewed back and no powder on her nose. I +threw a protecting husbandly arm about her to catch her when she should +faint. But she didn't swoon. A broad, satisfied smile spread over her +face. + +"I thought you were Helen of Troy," she murmured. + +"I used to be Helen of Troy, New York," said the ghost. "And now I'll be +moving along, if you'll excuse me. See you later." + +With that she telescoped briskly, till we saw only a hand waving +farewell. + +My Lavinia fell forgivingly into my arms. I kissed her once or twice +fervently, and then I shoved her aside, for I felt a sudden strong +desire to write. The sheets of paper on my desk spread invitingly before +me. + +"I've got the bulliest plot for a ghost story!" I cried. + + + + +THE LADY AND THE GHOST + +BY ROSE CECIL O'NEILL + +From the _Cosmopolitan Magazine_. By permission of John Brisben Walker +and Rose O'Neill. + + + + +The Lady and the Ghost + +BY ROSE CECIL O'NEILL + + +It was some moments before the Lady became rationally convinced that +there was something occurring in the corner of the room, and then the +actual nature of the thing was still far from clear. + +"To put it as mildly as possible," she murmured, "the thing verges upon +the uncanny"; and, leaning forward upon her silken knees, she attended +upon the phenomenon. + +At first it had seemed like some faint and unexplained atmospheric +derangement, occasioned, apparently, neither by an opened window nor by +a door. Some papers fluttered to the floor, the fringes of the hangings +softly waved, and, indeed, it would still have been easy to dismiss the +matter as the effect of a vagrant draft had not the state of things +suddenly grown unmistakably unusual. All the air of the room, it then +appeared, rushed even with violence to the point and there underwent +what impressed her as an aerial convulsion, in the very midst and +well-spring of which, so great was the confusion, there seemed to appear +at intervals almost the semblance of a shape. + +The silence of the room was disturbed by a book that flew open with +fluttering leaves, the noise of a vase of violets blown over, from which +the perfumed water dripped to the floor, and soft touchings all around +as of a breeze passing through a chamber full of trifles. + +The ringlets of the Lady's hair were swept forward toward the corner +upon which her gaze was fixed, and in which the conditions had now grown +so tense with imminent occurrence and so rent with some inconceivable +throe that she involuntarily rose, and, stepping forward against the +pressure of her petticoats which were blown about her ankles, she +impatiently thrust her hand into the---- + +She was immediately aware that another hand had received it, though with +a far from substantial envelopment, and for another moment what she saw +before her trembled between something and nothing. Then from the +precarious situation there slowly emerged into dubious view the shape of +a young man dressed in evening clothes over which was flung a mantle of +voluminous folds such as is worn by ghosts of fashion. + +"The very deuce was in it!" he complained; "I thought I should never +materialize." + +She flung herself into her chair, confounded; yet, even in the shock of +the emergency, true to herself, she did not fail to smooth her ruffled +locks. + +Her visitor had been scanning his person in a dissatisfied way, and with +some vexation he now ejaculated: "Beg your pardon, my dear, but are my +feet on the floor, or where in thunder are they?" + +It was with a tone of reassurance that she confessed that his +patent-leathers were the trivial matter of two or three inches from the +rug. Whereupon, with still another effort, he brought himself down until +his feet rested decently upon the floor. It was only when he walked +about to examine the bric-a-brac that a suspicious lightness was +discernible in his tread. + +When he had composed himself by the survey, effecting it with an air of +great insouciance, which, however, failed to conceal the fact that his +heart was beating somewhat wildly, he approached the Lady. + +"Well, here we are again, my love!" he cried, and devoured her hands +with ghostly kisses. "It seems an eternity that I've been struggling +back to you through the outer void and what-not. Sometimes, I confess I +all but despaired. Life is not, I assure you, all beer and skittles for +the disembodied." + +He drew a long breath, and his gaze upon her and the entire chamber +seemed to envelop all and cherish it. + +"Little room, little room! And so you are thus! Do you know," he +continued, with vivacity, "I have wondered about it in the grave, and I +could hardly sleep for this place unpenetrated. Heigho! What a lot of +things we leave undone! I dashed this off at the time, the literary +passion strong in me, thus: + + "Now, when all is done, and I lie so low, + I cannot sleep for this, my only care; + For though of that dim place I could not know; + That where my heart was fain I did not go, + Nor saw you musing there! + +"Well, well, these things irk a ghost so. Naturally, as soon as possible +I made my way back--to be satisfied--to be satisfied that you were still +mine." He bent a piercing look upon her. + +"I observe by the calendar on your writing-table that some years have +elapsed since my----um----since I expired," he added, with a faint +blush. It appears that the matter of their dissolution is, in +conversation, rather kept in the background by well-bred ghosts. + +"Heigho! How time does fly! You'll be joining me soon, my dear." + +She drew herself splendidly up, and he was aware of her beauty in the +full of its tenacious excellence--of the delicate insolence of Life +looking upon Death--of the fact _that she had forgotten him_. + +He rose, and confronted this, his trembling hands thrust into his +pockets, then turned away to hide the dismay of his countenance. He was, +however, a spook of considerable spirit, and in a jiffy he met the +occasion. To her blank, indignant gaze he drew a card from his case, +and, taking a pencil from the secretary, wrote, beneath the name: + + Quiet to the breast + Wheresoe'er it be, + That gave an hour's rest + To the heart of me. + Quiet to the breast + Till it lieth dead, + And the heart be clay + Where I visited. + Quiet to the breast, + Though forgetting quite + The guest it sheltered once; + To the heart, good night! + +Handing her the card he bowed, and, through force of habit, turned to +the door, forgetting that his ghostly pressure would not turn the knob. + +As the door did not open, with a sigh of recollection for his spiritual +condition, he prepared to disappear, casting one last look at the +faithless Lady. She was still looking at the card in her hand, and the +tears ran down her face. + +"She has remembered," he reflected; "how courteous!" For a moment it +seemed he could contain his disappointment, discreetly removing himself +now at what he felt was the vanishing-point, with the customary +reticence of the dead, but feeling overcame him. In an instant he had +her in his arms, and was pouring out his love, his reproaches, the story +of his longing, his doubts, his discontent, and his desperate journey +back to earth for a sight of her. "And, ah!" cried he, "picture my agony +at finding that you had forgotten. And yet I surmised it in the gloom. +I divined it by my restlessness and my despair. Perhaps some lines that +occurred to me will suggest the thing to you--you recall my old knack +for versification? + + "Where the grasses weep + O'er his darkling bed, + And the glow-worms creep, + Lies the weary head + Of one laid deep, who cannot sleep: + The unremembered dead." + +He took a chair beside her, and spoke of their old love for each other, +of his fealty through all transmutations; incidentally of her beauty, of +her cruelty, of the light of her face which had illumined his darksome +way to her--and of a lot of other things--and the Lady bowed her head, +and wept. + +The hours of the night passed thus: the moon waned, and a pallor began +to tinge the dusky cheek of the east, but the eloquence of the visitor +still flowed on, and the Lady had his misty hands clasped to her +reawakened bosom. At last a suspicion of rosiness touched the curtain. +He abruptly rose. + +"I cannot hold out against the morning," he said; "it is time all good +ghosts were in bed." + +But she threw herself on her knees before him, clasping his ethereal +waist with a despairing embrace. + +"Oh, do not leave me," she cried, "or my love will kill me!" + +He bent eagerly above her. "Say it again--convince me!" + +"I love you," she cried, again and again and again, with such an anguish +of sincerity as would convince the most skeptical spook that ever +revisited the glimpses of the moon. + +"You will forget again," he said. + +"I shall never forget!" she cried. "My life will henceforth be one +continual remembrance of you, one long act of devotion to your memory, +one oblation, one unceasing penitence, one agony of waiting!" + +He lifted her face, and saw that it was true. + +"Well," said he, gracefully wrapping his cloak about him, "well, now I +shall have a little peace." + +He kissed her, with a certain jaunty grace, upon her hair, and prepared +to dissolve, while he lightly tapped a tattoo upon his leg with the +dove-colored gloves he carried. + +"Good-by, my dear!" he said; "henceforth I shall sleep o' nights; my +heart is quite at rest." + +"But mine is breaking," she wailed, madly trying once more to clasp his +vanishing form. + +He threw her a kiss from his misty finger-tips, and all that remained +with her, besides her broken heart, was a faint disturbance of the air. + +THE END + + + + +Transcriber's Notes: + +Page 25--Possible typo, but left it as the original. "...and contented +himself, as a rule, with creeping about the passages in =list= +slippers,..." + +Page 25--arquebuse--printer typo corrected to arquebus. + +Page 231--setting--printer typo corrected to sitting. + +Page 255--missing word "have" inserted to: "But now I'll none of you, +for you've played with me." + +Page 304--Potential typo. "...walkin' round an' round the graveyard +=lie= a six days' race fer the belt at Madison Square." + +Page 325--inpatient--typo corrected to impatient. Although inpatient is +a valid word, it is incorrectly used in this instance. + +Page 345--is--printer typo corrected to in. + +Page 408--Possible typo, but left it as in the original. "...then the +=affection= spread to her knees and gradually extended upward." + +Several instances of variant spelling of reci-pe and recipe. Left as in +the original. + + + + +From +A Southern Porch + +By + +Dorothy Scarborough + +_A Book of Whimsy_ + +The author does not preach the lost art of loafing. No! Nothing so +direct as preaching. She merely loafs,--consistently, restfully, +delightfully, but with an almost fatal hypnotic persuasiveness. She is a +sort of stationary Pied Piper, luring the unwary reader to her +sun-flecked porch, to watch with her the queer procession of created +things go by,--from lovers and ghosts to lizards and toads. + +Under the spell, convinced that loafing is better than doing, the reader +stays and chuckles over the quiet humor and quaint fancies. He gets away +finally,--all delightful experiences must end in this work-a-day +world,--still chuckling, but with a renewed sense of life and life's +values. + + * * * * * + +G. P. Putnam's Sons + +New York London + + + + +The +Kiltartan +Poetry Book + +_Prose Translations from the Irish_ + +By + +Lady Gregory + +Author of "Irish Folk-History Plays," "Seven Short +Plays," "Our Irish Theatre," etc. + +Certainly no single individual has done more than Lady Gregory to revive +the Irish Literature, and to bring again to light the brave old legends, +the old heroic poems. From her childhood, the author has studied this +ancient language, and has collected most of her material from close +association with the peasants who have inherited these poems and tales. + + * * * * * + +G. P. Putnam's Sons + +New York London + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Humorous Ghost Stories, by Dorothy Scarborough + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUMOROUS GHOST STORIES *** + +***** This file should be named 26950.txt or 26950.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/9/5/26950/ + +Produced by David Edwards, Marcia Brooks and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +book was produced from scanned images of public domain +material from the Google Print project.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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