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diff --git a/26969.txt b/26969.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cc2174e --- /dev/null +++ b/26969.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1865 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, +August 19th, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, August 19th, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: October 19, 2008 [EBook #26969] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 147, AUG. 19, 1914 *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 147. + + AUGUST 19th 1914. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: A QUICK CHANGE OF FRONT. + + * * * * * + +THE NATURE OF A MORATORIUM. + +"It's a big ship" (I could overhear Ethel's voice through the open +nursery window). "I know perfectly well it is. It's one of the +Cunarders." + +"Well, you're quite wrong then," (this from Jack). "It was passed +through Parliament. You can't pass a ship through Parliament." + +"It's the sister ship to the _Lusitania_--so there!" + +Joan's thoughtful voice intervened. + +"I can tell you what it is," she said. "It's a place for burying +people--a sort of big tomb where they put dead kings. There's one at +Windsor." + +Curiously enough I was myself at the moment rather puzzled as to what it +was and how it worked. + +"Do you know, William," I said to my host, "that you are owing me ten +pounds and I've got to get home to-day, and I've no money?" + +"Oh, but I shan't pay it now," he replied shamelessly. + +"Why not?" + +"I'm going to put a Moratorium on you. I don't know, of course, if +that's quite the correct phrase. The thing is new to me. But at least I +can see how it works. You had better try James. He owes you five, and he +never reads the papers, so he may not have heard of it." + +I went at once into the library, where I found James making up a parcel +of three half-sovereigns to send to his bank. No one is going to accuse +James of hoarding gold. + +"About that fiver," I began. + +"Ah, yes. I was just coming out to talk to you about that before you +went," said he. "Now that I'm sending all this stuff to the bank I'm +just afraid I may be a bit short. I'll tell you what I think we ought to +do, you and I, I think we ought to enter into a temporary Moratorium. +All the best people are doing it. Of course I don't know if that's the +right phrase. But I begin to see how it works." + +"It doesn't apply to sums under five pounds," said I severely. + +"That's true. I admit it's a pretty narrow squeak. I just managed to get +on board, so to speak. Still, as the debt is five pounds----" + +"I'll take L4 19_s_. 11_d_.," said I, and held out my hand. + +"That's not playing the game," said James. "Can't you see you're going +to encourage all sorts of panic if you go about reducing debts in that +sort of way? What is to become of British credit if a man in your +position shows himself willing to accept sweeping reductions for the +sake of getting hold of cash? I'm just a little ashamed of you." + +"Well, I've got to get home to-day. The ticket costs over five pounds, +and I've only got sixteen shillings." + +"Nothing simpler, my dear fellow," said James cheerfully. "You ask the +booking-clerk for a ticket--pick it up--cover him with a Moratorium (if +that's the proper phrase) and hop into the train. The sixteen bob will +come in for tips." + +I went back to William and sat down. "The upshot of it is, William," I +said, "that I can't go. You had better consider pretty carefully what +you're doing. I don't think the Moratorium was intended to work in this +sort of way. I've got to report myself at the War Office, and I can't +go. You may think you're acting as a good citizen should. You may not be +hoarding gold or hoarding food, but you are hoarding _me_." + +"It doesn't apply to National Insurance payments," said William +brightly, "if that's any help to you." + +"It only goes on till the 4th of September," I reminded him, "and the +bank rate was recently as high as ten per cent. and may easily go up +again. You've got to pay interest on it, you know." + +That was where I had him. "How will you take it?" he asked, thrusting a +hand into his pocket. + +"In new pound notes," said I. + + * * * * * + +DIES IRAE. + +_To the GERMAN KAISER._ + + Amazing Monarch! who at various times, + Posing as Europe's self-appointed saviour, + Afforded copy for our ribald rhymes + By your behaviour; + + We nursed no malice; nay, we thanked you much + Because your head-piece, swollen like a tumour, + Lent to a dullish world the needed touch + Of saving humour. + + What with your wardrobes stuffed with warrior gear, + Your gander-step parades, your prancing Prussians, + Your menaces that shocked the deafened sphere + With rude concussions; + + Your fist that turned the pinkest rivals pale + Alike with sceptre, chisel, pen or palette, + And could at any moment, gloved in mail, + Smite like a mallet; + + Master of all the Arts, and, what was more, + Lord of the limelight blaze that let us know it-- + You seemed a gift designed on purpose for + The flippant poet. + + Time passed and put to these old jests an end; + Into our open hearts you found admission, + Ate of our bread and pledged us like a friend + Above suspicion. + + You shared our griefs with seeming-gentle eyes; + You moved among us cousinly entreated, + Still hiding, under that fair outward guise, + A heart that cheated. + + And now the mask is down, and forth you stand + Known for a King whose word is no great matter, + A traitor proved, for every honest hand + To strike and shatter. + + This was the "Day" foretold by yours and you + In whispers here, and there with beery clamours-- + You and your rat-hole spies and blustering crew + Of loud Potsdamers. + + And lo, there dawns another, swift and stern, + When on the wheels of wrath, by Justice' token, + Breaker of God's own Peace, you shall in turn + Yourself be broken. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +A DETERMINED ISLAND. + +II. + +I continue this record of our daily lives at Totland Bay on August 12th. +Before it appears in _Mr. Punch's_ columns great and decisive events may +have happened, but at present, except for such slight distractions as I +shall relate, we are still calm and peaceful. When we think or speak of +Belgium our faces glow, and we are all resolved, should the need arise, +to do as Belgium has done, and to do it in the same resolute and +unconquerable spirit. In the meantime we rush for the newspapers with a +constantly increasing eagerness. At about 11 A.M. the whole of Totland +Bay is filled with people reading their papers in the open air. +Everybody bumps into everybody else, but nobody minds. A gentleman the +other day set out in a canoe and read the morning's news to a party of +swimmers, who appeared to be much invigorated by what they heard. + +On Sunday night, just as we had finished dinner, we suddenly heard the +report of a great gun from the fort at the Needles. The explosion was +followed by three plaintive answering notes from a fog-horn. "They're +firing at a ship," said someone, and out we all rushed to the nearest +vantage-point, and even as we ran another gun went off and again the +fog-horn answered with its bleat. The searchlights were striking great +shafts of light along the Solent, and far away their beams outlined the +shape of a big ship. She was still advancing on her course, when--Bang! +another violent explosion shattered the night. This time it came from +the fort just over the pier of Totland Bay. The echoes reverberated and +rumbled, and the shot tore past close to the ship. Now she took the +warning. There were no more appeals from the fog-horn. Slowly she turned +and disappeared into the darkness. Possibly she had been at sea for a +long time and knew nothing of the war. How she must have marvelled at +this strange and dreadful welcome from the Isle of Wight. We went to our +beds that night with a feeling of perfect security. + +On land, too, we have had our excitements. Yesterday afternoon, when the +heather-clad slopes of Headon Hill were crowded with picnickers, there +was a sudden alarm of spies. Some men, reported to have been conversing +in German, were said to have been peering into cracks in the ground and +otherwise behaving in a most suspicious manner. The alarm was given, and +almost instantly, springing as it were from the very bowels of the +earth, came some half-dozen soldiers running with rifles and fixed +bayonets. Amid the shouts of the children they spread about the heather +in their hunt, but nothing came of it, for the "spies," though they were +caught, turned out to be some Italians resident in Totland Bay and +fervently British in their sympathies. + +I mentioned last week that we had a children's maid, a German, in our +household. Since then, in obedience to the Act, she has been registered +as an "alien enemy." I took her by train to Newport for that purpose. On +arriving at the station I hailed a fly. "Where to, Sir?" said the +driver. "To the police-station," I answered, and the man broke out into +a grin. "It isn't a serious offence," I added, but I doubt if he +believed me. At the police-station, however, they were quite prepared +for us, and in a very few minutes Maria Hasewitz--that is her eminently +German name--had had all the particulars of her birth-place, her age, +her height, and her personal appearance entered on a blue form by a +jocose and affable sergeant. "Brown eyes, I _think_," said the sergeant; +"height, five feet four inches; no beard _or_ moustache, ha-ha. Now sign +here and make a mark with your left thumb in this space. That'll pin you +down; no escape after that, ha-ha." He produced a board covered with +some black sticky substance, dabbed her thumb in it, dabbed it hard on +the paper, and, lo, Maria Hasewitz had been registered and had +undertaken not to move five miles from Totland Bay without a special +permit. + +At present this particular alien enemy is engaged, together with all the +other available female members of the household, in making pyjamas for +our soldiers. Wonderful deeds are being done all round me with scissors +and needle and thread. A sewing-machine has been requisitioned. +Button-holes are being manufactured with immense expedition. A good deal +of "basting" is being got through. In my illimitable ignorance I had +hitherto imagined that basting was something that you did to a joint of +meat with a big ladle and some gravy. If you did it sufficiently the +joint came out succulent, if not it became dry and you abused the +butcher. However, we live and learn. Part, at any rate, of three suits +of pyjamas that are to go to the Red Cross to-day has been severely and +completely basted without either gravy or a ladle. + + R. C. L. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: WELL MET! + +GREAT BRITAIN JOINS HER ALLIES IN THE FIELD. + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +Even war has its humours. "In the midst of perfect peace the enemy +surprises us," is a sentence from a proclamation not by the King of the +BELGIANS but by the GERMAN KAISER. + + *** + +WILHELM II. is said to be extremely annoyed in his capacity as a British +Admiral that he is not being kept fully informed as to the movements of +our Fleet. + + *** + +The danger, of course, of a fondness for a place in the sun is that one +may get burnt. + + *** + +The coming generation would certainly seem to be all right. Even +children are taking part in the fray. The Boy Scouts are helping +manfully here, and at Liege the Germans, we are told, used nippers for +cutting wire entanglements. + + *** + +A vivid idea of the horrors of the return journey from the Continent to +England after the declaration of war may be gained from the fact that a +lady, in recounting her experiences in a contemporary, states that she +was thankful to get back to Battersea. + + *** + +General VILLA, it is stated, has now virtually proclaimed his +independence of General CARRANZA, and hostilities are said to be +imminent. We caution these gentlemen, however, that we are not prepared +at this juncture to take a great deal of interest in their little war, +and, if they take our advice, they will postpone it. + + *** + +At the present moment, fortunately, one does not hear much of the sex +war, but sex-pride compels us to draw attention to an account in _The +Liverpool Echo_ of a recent agricultural show, from which we learn that +"in a class for cows, in which there was a score of entries, Mr. S. +Sanday won with pedigree dairy bulls." + + *** + +The news that a large number of yachts had been placed at the disposal +of the Admiralty was, no doubt, responsible for a statement in _The +Birkenhead News_ of the 8th inst., to the effect that the Hoylake Town +Band, consisting of Bavarians, in a moment of patriotic fervour during +the crisis struck up "_Der Yacht am Rhein_." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _GERMAN KAISER._ "Donnerwetter! No wonder I've missed my +appointment. The silly idiots have given me an 1870 time-table." + + * * * * * + +Overheard in the heather of a grouse moor:--"What ho! The Moratorium." + + *** + +In feline circles it is being pointed out with some pride that not only +are there Dogs of Wars but that Active Service Kits are being advertised +very freely. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: AT THE OFFICIAL PRESS BUREAU. + +_MR. F. E. SMITH_ (_against his gallant instincts_). "Permit me, Madam." + + * * * * * + +"We, as a party," says Mr. KEIR HARDIE in _The Labour Leader_, "surely +have a right to make a special protest against this altogether useless +and unnecessary conflict." The KAISER'S address, KEIR, is Potsdam, +Berlin (Germany). + + *** + +We rejoice to hear that the thousand fresh herrings which a certain +cosmopolitan financier purchased at the outbreak of the war to store up +have one and all gone bad. + + *** + +Paris now has a "Rue de Liege." And, in order to obviate any feeling of +jealousy, a certain virulent microbe which has just been discovered by a +Belgian scientist is, we hear, to be called the "Wilhelm Germ." + + *** + +We trust that the Dutch are taking every precaution to protect the +Palace of Peace at the Hague. + + *** + +Brick-box, the Irish Guards' pet terrier, has been sent for the present +to a dogs' home. In the event of their going abroad the Irish Guards +hope to bring back with them a certain other dog who seems to have gone +mad. + + *** + +The British Isles have been defeated at Lawn Tennis, but we really +shan't mind so long as we win the war. + + *** + +"On shop after shop in Paris," says _The Evening News_, "is the notice, +'Maison fermee a cante du de depart du patron et les employes sous les +drapeaux Francais.'" Sorry, _Evening News_, but we cannot believe your +statement in its entirety. We are afraid you did not get it confirmed by +the Official Press Bureau. + + *** + +According to the St. Petersburg _Gazette_ the Germans have arrested the +Grand Duke CONSTANTINE CONSTANTINOVITCH at Badwildungen. The Russian +Government admits that the GRAND DUKE has published several volumes of +verse. + + *** + +According to a statement in _The Globe_ "the German liner, _Belgia_, +having run short of coal, put in at Newport (Mon.) to-day, and was +seized as a prize. She has over L250,000 worth of food on board, +including 400 tons of cheese, 73 German reservists, and also a large +amount of specie." The last two items must, of course, be regarded as +emergency rations. + + *** + +An unfortunate misprint:-- + +"WAR NEWS IN A FEW LIES." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE MONOPOLIST. + +_Late Arrival_ (_wishing to put his machine in bicycle rack_). "WELL, +UPON MY WORD, THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS! CADDIE, WHO PUT HIS BICYCLE LIKE +THAT?" + +_Caddie._ "CAN'T SAY FOR SURE, SIR. THE KAISER, I SHOULD THINK." + + * * * * * + +HOW WAR IS "MADE IN GERMANY." + +(_Extract from the KAISER'S Diary._) + +Letter captured bearing mark of Venezuela Consulate at Berlin. Stamp not +put on straight. Insult to me--therefore to the flag. Proceed to issue +ultimatum to Venezuela. Venezuela omits to concede one of the 421 points +raised. Declare war on Venezuela and publish address to my +people:--"Owing to this wicked and determined challenge to Our nation, +We have been forced, greatly against Our wish, into a quarrel with a +powerful and designing enemy," etc., etc. + +Consignment of Chicago sausages, arriving Hamburg, is found to bear +label "The Best." Deliberate blow at German supremacy. Germany is the +Sausage Queen. Ultimatum to United States. Reply unsatisfactory, so +declare war. Speech to my people:--"Owing to this wicked," etc. + +Despatch from Pomeranian farming district to effect that a Cochin-China +hen has peaked at representation of German Eagle in picture-book. At +once issued ultimatum to Cochin-China demanding humble and complete +apology, otherwise war would be declared. Received immediate reply, +stating that as Cochin-China belongs at present to France I may save +myself the trouble of a fresh declaration of war. Do so. + +Read statement that "heat in neighbourhood of equator surpasses that of +any other part of the world." See in this a direct challenge to our +sovereignty. _We_ are the hottest stuff in the world. Declare war on all +countries abutting on equator. Speech to my people:--"Owing to this +wicked," etc. + +Hear South Pole Republic showing signs of activity. Involves serious +menace to our pacific plans. Issue ultimatum. Hear later that President +is a penguin. As, however, withdrawal of ultimatum is out of the +question, have despatched warships. Speech to my people:--"Owing to this +wicked," etc. + +Having five minutes before lunch, declare war on Spain, Portugal, Tibet, +Lapland and the Principality of Monaco. Reasons and ultimata to follow. + +Declare war on Bosnia and Herzegovina, but subsequently remember that +these territories were recently absorbed by my ally. Undignified to +cancel ultimatum, so declare war on said ally. + +Make painful discovery that, in spite of overtime at Imperial printing +works, I am out of ultimatum forms. Urgent instructions have been sent +to hasten delivery of forms, which are of course so printed that only +the name of the offending country has to be filled in. + + * * * * * + +Apparently no more countries remain to be challenged. Must find some at +all costs. + +Sudden inspiration. Have issued ultimatum to my own country that, if she +does not find fresh countries for me to fight before midnight, war will +ensue. + +_Midnight._ No new countries found. I declare war on Germany. + + * * * * * + +The Journalistic Manner. + +"Every inch of Belgium will be fought for foot by foot."--_Daily +Telegraph._ + + * * * * * + +THE OLD ORDER CHANGES. + +A thousand years ago I won a cup for jumping. It was not a very good +cup, but then it was not a very good jump. Such as the cup is, however, +it stands on a shelf in my library, and I have ways of directing the +attention of visitors to it. For instance, if a collector of old prints +is coming to dinner, I hang my oldest print just above the cup, ready +for him; we take our--or better, his--cigars into the library, and I +say, "Oh, look here, I picked this print up last week; the man said it +was a genuine Eyre and Spottiswoode; you might give me your opinion." He +gives me his opinion ... and then his eye wanders down. I see him +reading the inscription on the cup. + +The inscription says: "Long Jump, 1739," or some such date. "First +Prize, won by ----" and then my name very big and splendid. Underneath +comes the school crest, followed by the motto, "_Dat Deus Incrementum_," +though I have never jumped any further since. Its shape is the ordinary +sherry-glass shape. It is my only cup, and I am proud of it. + +I look up as I write, and I see the--by the way, I don't know if you +have ever tried "looking up as you write." It is a common thing for +reflective writers to say they do, but you should never believe them. It +is impossible to write properly when looking somewhere else. What we do +is to stop and slew our necks round, and then take a fresh dip in the +ink. Well, slewing my neck round as I stop writing, I see my precious +cup standing on its shelf, and ... horror! It is standing upside down! + +This comes as a surprise to you, but it is no surprise to me. The thing +has been going on for months. It is months ago that I first spoke to +Celia about it. + +"It's Jane," she said. "She always puts it like that when she's been +dusting." + +"Yes, but what for? Just to catch the eye?" + +"I suppose because you always stand glasses upside down when you've +cleaned them--to keep the dust out." + +"But if she'd only think a moment she'd see that I don't drink out of +this, and that glasses don't have 'First Prize, won by ----'" + +"Jane isn't here to think, she's here to work." + +This seemed to be a distinction drawn between Jane and me. + +"You see what I mean," I said, "don't you? It's very difficult to read +the cup upside down. A stranger mightn't know who--er--who had won it." + +"But don't you always turn it back again? I do, if ever I see it." + +"Yes, but--but---- Oh, well, it doesn't matter." + +I went back to the library. It was difficult to explain why I minded; +because, after all, to fill a pipe, light it and sit down to work every +morning is very little less trouble than to turn a cup round, fill a +pipe, light it and sit down to work every morning. Anything regular soon +gets taken for granted. And yet I was annoyed. I think it was the +_silliness_ of standing a First Prize upside down which annoyed me. That +and the apparent difficulty of getting into communication with Jane +about it. + +For it was difficult. One day I went very humbly to Celia and said-- + +"I know I'm a baby about it. Forgive me. But it's getting on my mind. Do +tell Jane about the cup." + +"It's awfully hard," she said, after a little thought. "You see, it's +such a very, very small thing that it never seems quite the right moment +for it. And if, after I'd told her, she said 'What?' I couldn't possibly +say it again." + +"You must be very articulate the first time. Lead the conversation +slowly round to long-jumping or the difficulty of reading on your head, +and then casually but articulately----" + +"Well, we'll see," said Celia. "Of course, if I ever caught her doing +it, I'd tell her. Perhaps I shall." + +Well, we saw. We saw that the thing still went on. The direct approach +to Jane was evidently impossible. So I tried sarcasm. + +Sarcasm, directed into the blue in the hope of hitting the person you +want, may not be effective, but it does relieve the feelings. I had a +thoroughly sarcastic morning all to myself. My deadly irony took the +form of turning _everything_ in the library upside-down. The cup was in +position already; I turned up two pewter mugs (third prizes in +Consolation Races), the flower bowls, the cigarette box, the lamp, a +stool, half-a-dozen pictures, two photographs and the mahogany clock. +They all stood on their heads and sneered at Jane. "Why don't you do the +thing properly while you're about it?" they said to her. I felt +extremely well after I had finished. + +Celia stood in the door and gurgled to herself. + +"You baby," she smiled. + +"On the contrary," I said, "I have made a dignified yet subtle protest. +You wouldn't move in the matter so I had to do something. I flatter +myself that a sense of her past silliness will rush over Jane like a +flood when she comes in here to-morrow morning." + +"If Jane's flooded at all," said Celia, "it will be with the idea that +the master's mad. But I don't think she'll notice it particularly." + +Next morning everything was right side up again--except the cup. + +"It's no good," I told Celia; "she is obviously determined. Perhaps it +means more than we think to her to have that cup upside-down. Its +beauty, the memories it brings back, the symbolism of it, these things +touch some hidden spring ... Still I _am_ master in my own house." And I +turned the cup round again.... + +Another month passed and I could bear it no longer. Yesterday I made up +my mind. I would speak to Jane myself. I turned my First Prize the right +way up, and then looked for Celia. + +"Celia," I said firmly, "where is Jane?" + +"She's gone out," said Celia softly. "Her--her man goes off to-day." + + *** + +An hour later, with bands playing and people cheering, they wheeled out +of barracks, brown and businesslike. Jane was in the front somewhere, +waving her handkerchief--not such a silly Jane, after all. And at the +back, very proud for her, Celia and I stood silent, with a something in +the throat that had come there suddenly.... + +And this morning the cup was upside-down again. Well, well, if she likes +it that way, that way let it be. + +But take warning, O Jane! When your man--here's luck to him!--comes +back, then I shall assert myself once more. My cup, "Long Jump, 1739. +First Prize," shall stand the right way up; either that or you leave my +service. I am determined about this.... + +Meanwhile we can share the daily paper. + +A. A. M. + + * * * * * + +"Dear _Mr. Punch_,--You may remember that QUEEN VICTORIA recorded in her +_Journal in the Highlands_ that 'Vicky sat down on a wasps' nest.' +'VICKY,' of course, was destined later to be the mother of WILHELM II. +Can we not see in the present situation rather a remarkable example of +heredity?--Yours, etc., MEDICO." + + * * * * * + +From a _Daily Chronicle_ special correspondent-- + + "A little meat and plenty of vegetables take one a long + way--lettuce, soup, eggs, en surprise, peas, dessert, voila--even + the very poor can afford such a dinner in Brussels." + +A seven-course dinner is certainly more than we can afford in England. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: "IT'S AN ILL WIND ..." + +_Old Cock Grouse._ "I SEE THEY'VE ALL GONE SHOOTING EAGLES." + + * * * * * + +THE PRIVATE VIEW. + +I take train home every evening from one of our best stations. Crowned +heads fairly tumble over one another there in their anxiety to get a +first glimpse of London. Personages are matters of daily arrival. + +The other night I reached my station just as a Personage was due. A +drive led from his platform to the outside world. On one side of it were +lined up the public six deep. On the other side of it was the left +luggage office. Four policemen saw to it that no person crossed to the +other side except on business. + +I began crossing. + +"Not that side," said Robert, "unless you want the left luggage." + +"The left luggage," I explained, "is my one desire." + +I crossed. + +The clerk was unusually prompt. + +"What's yours?" he said. + +"Since you ask," I replied, "I could do with a small stout; or, +alternatively, a sherry and bitters." + +He kept silence, but with a touch of urgency in it. It is hard to +temporize when confronted with a businesslike silence. Yet my view of +the drive was worth fighting for. + +"I might leave my watch," I continued after a brief hesitation, "but the +fact is I left it last week with my only godson. Have you a godson? You +know what they are--always wanting something." + +"Come along, now," said the official brusquely. Robert, too, was +becoming restive. + +"Very well; I will deposit my hat. You will be careful with it, won't +you?" + +He accepted my hat untenderly. + +"What name?" + +"George," I said; "but they call me 'Winkles' at home." + +He was a man not easily moved. He wrote down "George" without hesitation +on a bit of pink paper and asked for twopence as he gave it to me. + +Just then, to my great relief, the Boat Express arrived. I searched in +all my pockets and at last found half-a-sovereign. + +I told you he was a man not easily moved. He gave me nine-and-tenpence +without a word, but with more halfpennies than was quite nice. + +There was a stir in the crowd. I must hang on yet a little, or give it +up, or stand six deep. I cannot stand standing six deep. But it is the +duty of every citizen to welcome Personages. + +Then I bethought me of my pink paper. + +I summoned the man who was not easily moved and presented it. "The +deposit," I explained, "was a hat--a felt hat--I cannot be sure of the +size, but at a guess I should put it somewhere between 7 and 8." + +But he had already retrieved it. + +I took it and replaced it on my head as I turned in the nick of time to +take it off to the Personage. He gave me a very sweet smile, the memory +of which I cherish so fondly that I am loth to attribute it to the +fashionable dent I subsequently discovered in my bowler. + + * * * * * + +In the present restriction of Sport we sympathize with that section of +the Press which makes it a speciality. However, there are outlets; and +one of our Sporting contemporaries has burst forth into history, as +follows:-- + + "Once again England is faced with a crisis. There has been nothing + like it since Alexander the Great burned his boats and crossed the + Rubicon." + +An Infant Prodigy. + + "Although only in his 41st year Mr. F. E. Smith is a Master of Arts + ..." + + _Pall Mall Gazette._ + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Medical Officer._ "SORRY I MUST REJECT YOU ON ACCOUNT OF +YOUR TEETH." + +_Would-be Recruit._ "MAN, YE'RE MAKING A GRAN' MISTAKE. I'M NO WANTING +TO BITE THE GERMANS, I'M WANTING TO SHOOT 'EM." + + * * * * * + +A FIRST CHARGE. + +_Mr. Punch's_ appeal is once more for the children. Most earnestly, and +with great confidence, he begs his readers to care for those little ones +whose fathers and brothers are serving under the Flag for our country's +honour and the defence of our homes, or may suffer through loss of work. +All gifts to the National Relief Fund should be addressed to H.R.H. The +Prince of Wales, at Buckingham Palace. + + * * * * * + +A PLEA FOR PEGASUS. + + Ye mobilisers of that other arm + Whose might is famed superior to the sabre's, + Who furnish forth the wherewithal to charm + The Special Correspondent to his labours, + And by whose enterprise we're daily fed on + Reports of Armageddon. + + List to my plaint. It is not that I tire + Of those despatches--picturesque effusions-- + Which by the witness of a later wire + Are proved to rank among the Great Illusions; + Though much to be deplored, such news, I'm willing + Freely to own, is thrilling. + + But when your pages, shrunken through the scare + Of that worst blow of all, a paper famine, + Dispense exclusively Bellona's fare, + And, failing battle tales, you simply cram in + Facts about spies, commodities and prices, + I writhe beneath this crisis. + + I can support the other pains of war: + Transport disorganised and credit shaken, + The fear of hunger knocking at the door, + And threepence extra on a pound of bacon; + In fact, I'd be the most resigned of creatures + If you'd compose your "features." + + Could you not lift a corner of the mask + That makes these solemn days so much more solemn? + A very little ray is all I ask + To light the utter darkness--say a column + Of "stories" which your slang describes as "snappy;" + With these I could be happy; + + With these my topic Muse I might entice; + But war has left her mute, and me despairing. + They call for horses; must I sacrifice + The steed with whom I've taken many an airing? + Poor Pegasus--and none too well-conditioned! + Must _he_ be requisitioned? + + * * * * * + +From parallel columns in The Evening News:--- + + "Haelen is forty-five miles northwest | "The centre of the battle was + of Liege; it is fifty miles | at Haelen (thirty miles + east of Brussels." | northwest of Liege + | and thirty miles + | from Brussels)." + + +This is simply to deceive the Germans. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE WORLD'S ENEMY. + +THE KAISER. "WHO GOES THERE?" + +SPIRIT OF CARNAGE. "A FRIEND--YOUR ONLY ONE." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Fond Mother_ (_full of war news_). "DON'T GO TOO FAR +OUT, GIRLS. YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL WITH ALL THIS FIGHTING GOING ON." + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S HOLIDAY STORIES. + +II.--THE ISLAND CUP RACE. + +Cowes week was drawing near to its brilliant climax. Through the blue +waters of the Solent a swarm of palatial steam yachts, saucy outriggers, +graceful cutters and wasp-like motor boats jostled one another in their +efforts to gain safe anchorage after the strenuous excitement of the +day's racing. Everywhere could be heard the clank of mooring chains, +mingled with the full-flavoured oaths of sailor men. + +Gradually silence fell upon the scene, broken only by the melodious +murmur of numberless gramophones and the soft strains of the band of the +Royal Yacht Squadron. + +As the sun descended lower beneath the horizon the dusk deepened, and +presently thousands of Chinese lanterns twinkled through the gloom from +mast and yard-arm. Lady Margaret Tamerton, leaning idly against the +barnacle of her brother's yacht, the _Seamaid_, drank in the beauty of +the night with deep inhalations. + +The voice of young Lord Tamerton at her side at last broke the spell of +silence. + +"Madge," he said softly, "Wonderson has not yet arrived. If he doesn't +come, our chances of winning the Island Cup to-morrow are practically +hopeless." + +"Don't worry, Fred," replied Lady Margaret. "Ralph never fails.... +Listen, he is coming now." + +And, indeed, the muffled beat of oars was heard approaching from the +darkness. Soon a slim white boat came gliding up to the prow of the +_Seamaid_. Ralph Wonderson, a tall athletic figure in his immaculate +flannels and straw boater, poised himself on the gunwale, gathered +himself for a spring, and leaped with the agility of a cat to the +bowsprit of the yacht. Sliding rapidly down this, he nodded easily to +Lord Tamerton and clasped the beautiful figure of Lady Margaret in his +arms. + +"S-sh!" he whispered warningly, laying his fingers on her lips, as she +would have spoken. "Nobody must know I am here till to-morrow. That is +why I came aboard like that. Listen. Your cousin, Sir Ernest Scrivener, +_alias_ Marmaduke Moorsdyke, is here, and is plotting to kidnap you. +There is a traitor somewhere on this yacht who supplies him with all +information. The attempt is to be made to-night." + +"To-night!" murmured Lady Margaret in horror. "What am I to do? His +ingenuity is dev--er--fiendish." + +"It shall be baffled," replied Ralph reassuringly. "I have thought it +all out. It would be dangerous for you to leave the yacht because, in +view of to-morrow's race, neither your brother nor I could accompany +you. There is only one place on board where you can pass the night in +assured safety--the crow's-nest." + +"The crow's-nest," repeated Lady Margaret, clapping her hands. "What +fun! I shall be rocked to sleep beautifully, and of _course_ they will +never think of looking for me there." + +"Come," said Ralph, taking her hand. "There is no time to lose, and none +of the crew must be allowed to see you. We don't know whom we can +trust." + +Snatching her in his arms, he carried her easily up the frail rigging, +his mountain training showing in every step he took. Five minutes later +he returned alone and dropped noiselessly to the deck. He looked round +cautiously; there was nobody in view except Lord Tamerton. + +"It's all right, Fred," he whispered. "Let us turn in." + +They descended the broad staircase arm-in-arm. No sooner had they +disappeared than a dark figure crept with a low chuckle from underneath +a coil of rope and dropped silently over the yacht's counter. + +A phosphorescent gleam disturbed the darkness of the water. + + *** + +Early next morning Ralph Wonderson ran nimbly up the rigging of the +_Seamaid_, carrying a tray loaded with toast, eggs, tea and marmalade. +He tapped at the door of the crow's-nest. There was no response. After a +pause he tapped again and cautiously pushed open the door. The +crow's-nest was empty! + +"Betrayed," cried Ralph, clapping his hand to his forehead. A moment +later two soft-boiled eggs devastated the snowy whiteness of the +_Seamaid's_ deck. + +Despite their precautions, Lady Margaret had been spirited away during +the night. As soon as he had recovered from the shock of the discovery, +Ralph ran to Lord Tamerton and acquainted him with the terrible news. +There was a period of agonised and fruitless discussion. + +"Wait! I have an idea," exclaimed Ralph presently. He pressed an +electric bell, and a steward appeared almost simultaneously. + +"Jenkins, fetch me a race card," said Ralph. + +"Yes, Sir," replied the steward. "I anticipated your request and have it +here." + +Ralph and Lord Tamerton bent their heads over the card. + +"See," said the former. "It is as I hoped. Among the entries for the +Island Cup we have the _Watersnake_, owner Sir Ernest Scrivener. He will +sail her himself, that is certain. It is equally certain that he has +Madge on board. If I know anything of him he will not let her out of his +sight. Fred, by yonder centreboard I swear that before the race is over +we will win her back." + +_Bang!_ It was the signal for the competitors to line up for the great +race for the world-famous Island Cup. + + *** + +Of all the thousands who pressed themselves against the straining booms +none realised that the race was for a prize far more precious than a +mere cup of gold valued at two thousand guineas. + +The _Watersnake_ was in front, a clear hundred yards separating her from +the pursuing _Seamaid_. All the other yachts lagged hopelessly in the +rear. + +Scattering the foam at their bows, the two boats rushed along the blue +lane of clear water which lay between the booms. Ralph, at the wheel of +the _Seamaid_, gazed anxiously forward. Could they do it? + +"Let loose the spinnaker," he commanded gruffly. "Haul on the signal +halyard. Lower the keelson." + +The orders were swiftly executed, and the _Seamaid_ leaped forward with +a bound. The distance between the two vessels rapidly lessened. + +"Fred," said Ralph, "you must take the wheel for a time. I'm going +forward to board the _Watersnake_." + +Lord Tamerton obediently grasped the wheel, while Ralph ran forward and +crept along the bowsprit. The intervening space was now very small. +Bracing himself for the effort, he shot through the air and landed upon +the deck of the _Watersnake_. The first object which met his gaze was +Lady Margaret, her wrists bound, lying beside the barnacle. + +Sir Ernest Scrivener uttered a horrible oath as he recognised the +features of his successful rival. For an instant he loosened his grasp +on the wheel. The vessel yawed in her course and he was compelled to +seize the spokes again. + + *** + +Before Scrivener could command his wits sufficiently to shout an order +to his crew, Ralph had caught up Lady Margaret in his arms and dashed to +the side of the vessel. Deprived of his skilled command, the _Seamaid_ +had dropped behind; it was impossible to leap back to her decks. + +Without hesitation, Ralph dived into the water, and still supporting the +now unconscious form of Lady Margaret, swam rapidly towards the yacht. +Two minutes later he was gripping the wheel and concentrating all his +immense will power upon the task of winning the race. + +Inch by inch the _Seamaid_ crept up to her rival. Despite all +Scrivener's efforts, the gap grew less and less. + +And now the winning post was close at hand. Could it be done? Could it +be done? The frantic spectators behind the boom shouted themselves +hoarse. Lord Tamerton bit his thumbs till the blood ran. + +Nearer drew the _Seamaid_. Nearer and nearer. Nearer still. At the +critical moment, Ralph, with a mighty effort, pushed down the wheel. + +A bare three inches parted the _Watersnake_ from the winning post when +the slight shudder ran through her which told that the prow of the +_Seamaid_ had touched her stern. The bump had been made; the race was +won. + + *** + +Ralph Wonderson stood with the magnificent Island Cup in his hand, +filled to the brim with bubbling champagne. + +"To the restoration of the fortunes of the house of Tamerton," he said +as he raised it to his lips. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _The Turkey Buzzard_ (_to the Sea Eagle_). "You may call +yourself a Turkey Buzzard if you like, but they'll still know you by +your white feather." + + * * * * * + +THE VIKING SPIRIT. + + ["The week-end was dull and much rain fell, but this did not spoil + the visitors' pleasure. The sight of the sea in a turbulent mood was + a great attraction."--_Seaside note in daily paper._] + + It has rained for a week down at Shrimpton; + 'Tis zero or less in the shade; + You can paddle your feet in the principal street + And bathe on the stony parade; + But still on our holiday pleasures + No thoughts of discomfort intrude, + As we whisper, "This sight is a bit of all right," + For the sea's in a turbulent mood. + + There's nobody harks to the pierrots; + For music we don't care a straw; + And the "comic" in vain chants the usual strain + Concerning his mother-in-law. + Unbought are the beach's bananas; + Our souls are all far above food; + Not a man of us dreams of consuming ice-creams + When the sea's in a turbulent mood. + + You may prate of the fervour of Phoebus + Of days that are calm and serene, + When a tint as of teak is imposed on the cheek + That is commonly pallid (when clean); + But _we_ have a taste that's aesthetic; + Mere sunshine seems vulgar and crude, + As we gather to gaze with artistic amaze + On the sea in a turbulent mood. + + * * * * * + +_The Beekeepers' Record_, referring to the photograph of a group of +prominent beekeepers, says:--"Mr. Dadant's well-known features are +easily spotted." We are sorry, but a little cold cream will sometimes do +wonders. + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +"FOR NUTS."--The origin of this curious phrase to indicate incompetence +in any pursuit or pastime--_e.g._, "He can't play for nuts," etc.--is +obscure; but its antiquity is incontestable. Thus one of the fragments +of ENNIUS runs: "_Nucibus non ludere possum_." Perhaps the most +plausible theory is that which views the phrase as a heritage from our +simian ancestors, among whom nuts were the common medium of exchange. On +this assumption a monkey--whether gorilla, chimpanzee, baboon or +orangutan--who was described as unable to do anything "for nuts," +_i.e._, for pecuniary remuneration, was obviously inefficient. Another +explanation, which we believe is supported by Mr. EUSTACE MILES, scouts +the notion of an ancient origin of the phrase and fixes the _terminus a +quo_ by the recent introduction of vegetarian diet. Nuts being a prime +staple of the votaries of this cult, a person who cannot do anything +"for nuts" means, by implication, a carnivorous savage who is incapable +of progress. Lastly, there remains the ingenious solution that the +phrase as commonly employed involves a misspelling. It ought to be "four +nuts," and playing four nuts was an ancient but simple game, which may +be connected with the cognate phrase about knowing or not knowing "how +many beans make five." + + * * * * * + +POLLY PERKINS: WAS SHE A REAL PERSON?--A careful search in the registers +of Paddington in the early and mid-Victorian period reveals so many Mary +Perkinses as to render the task of identification peculiarly difficult. +It will be remembered, however, that the heroine of the famous ballad is +described as not only "little," but "pretty;" indeed, she is spoken of +as being "as beautiful as a butterfly and as proud as a queen." So far, +however, these clues to her appearance have yielded no solid results. +The representatives of the famous family of brewers have been unable to +throw any light on the subject, and an application to the managing +director of the London and General Omnibus Company has also proved +unproductive. (Polly Perkins "married the conductor of a twopenny +'bus.") Her brilliant appearance suggests a possible relationship with +Dr. PERKINS, the famous pioneer of the aniline dye industry; but this, +as well as the theory that she was a descendant of PERKIN WARBECK, is +mere surmise. + + * * * * * + +THE FIRST MAN WHO ATE AN OYSTER.--The most widely circulated account of +this feat is that which ascribes it to the notorious Roman epicure +Publius Esurius Gulo, who was nicknamed Bellipotens from the rotundity +of his figure. According to the account given in the _Gastronomica_ of +Voracius Bulbo (ii. 18) Gulo was always making daring experiments, and, +when bathing at Baiae on a very hot day, and seeing a bivalve which had +rashly opened its jaws in the sun, he dexterously inserted a stone and +conveyed the contents to his mouth on the point of the pin of his +_fibula_. He was subsequently created a proconsul by NERO. The only +drawback connected with this account is the fact that oysters were +recognised as delicacies in Rome at least a hundred years before NERO. +It is right to add that the genuineness of Bulbo's _Gastronomica_ has +been seriously impugned, the best authorities (including FRANCATELLI) +being convinced that the treatise was the work of a sixteenth-century +_farceur_ who belonged to the royal house of Paphlagonia. + + * * * * * + +PARLOUR PATHOS, SPECIMENS OF.--The best specimens of this interesting +emotional product are to be found in the words of Royalty Ballads. A +good instance is to be found in the following choice quatrain:-- + + Nature cares not whence or how, + Nature asks not why; + 'Tis enough that thou art thou, + And that I am I. + + * * * * * + +COMPARATIVE COUPLETS.--The correct form of this literary disease is as +follows:-- + + A chair without a leg + Is like a hen without an egg. + +But it is emphatically not to be encouraged, as excessive indulgence in +the habit has been known to lead to the break-up of happy homes. + + * * * * * + +NAMES OF GOLF CLUBS.--The latest addition to the list is, so far as we +are aware, the "Sammy," but efforts are being made to induce the St. +Andrews authorities to sanction the "Biffy," a combination of the +jigger and the baffy, and the "Duncher," a powerful weapon for +extricating the ball out of rushes, tar and other viscous lies. + + * * * * * + +THE JUGGINS FAMILY.--This family claims descent from Joskin ap Gwyggan, +the last native prince who ruled in Dwffryn. The earlier lines in the +descent are doubtful. The various families claiming to spring from +Joskin adopted different patronymics in the fifteenth and succeeding +centuries, amongst which may be noted Joskins, Gherkin, Guggenheimer, +and Gaga. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE OLD REFRAIN. + +_First Old Lady._ "MY DEAR, WHAT _DO_ YOU THINK OF THIS WAR? ISN'T IT +TERRIBLE?" + +_Second Old Lady._ "AWFUL! BUT IT CAN'T LAST LONG; _THE POWERS WILL +SURELY INTERVENE_." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _The Patriot._ "HOARD MY GOLD! I'D STARVE FIRST!" + + * * * * * + +MIDDLECOMBE _v_. PADDLEWICK. + +I. + + _Philip Renwick to Charles Holcombe._ + Room 99, X.Y.Z. Offices, + Whitehall, + _8th August, 1914._ + +DEAR CHARLIE,--Can you possibly turn out for us on Thursday next _v_. +Paddlewick? We lost to them rather heavily in May last and are anxious +to give them a sound beating. Their fast bowler is playing for them +again, I hear, and we absolutely rely on your help. Can you get off for +the day? + + Yours ever, P. R. + +II. + + _Charles Holcombe to Philip Renwick._ + Room 83, P.Q.R. Offices, + Lombard Street, + _9th August, 1914._ + +MY DEAR PHIL,--Thanks for yours. Will try to manage it next Thursday, +but am doubtful. My chief, though a capable official, is no sport, and I +anticipate difficulties. I had a day off only two weeks ago for cricket. +Will do my best. + + Thine, C. H. + +III. + + _Charles Holcombe to Philip Renwick._ + P.Q.R. + _10th August, 1914._ + +MY DEAR PHIL,--Awfully sorry; no luck _re_ Thursday. Boss hopeless. I +broached the matter this morning (without actually asking for +permission), but I fear the worst. You had better get another man for +the Paddlewick match. So sorry. + + Yours ever, + CHARLIE HOLCOMBE. + +IV. + + _Philip Renwick to Charles Holcombe._ + X.Y.Z. + _10th August, 1914._ + +MY DEAR CHARLIE,--We shall be absolutely in the cart without you. +They've got an awfully hot fast bowler. Bartram now tells me he can't +possibly turn out, and you are the only really decent bat I know. We +simply _can't_ lose to Paddlewick again--we shall never hear the last of +it. (No one need know that you don't play regularly for Middlecombe.) Do +try your best, old man. Mightn't your Aunt Martha be seriously ill? + + Yours ever, PHIL. + +V. + + _Charles Holcombe to Philip Renwick_ + (_wire._) + +Aunt Martha dying. All well. Boss absent Thursday, so can explain to him +afterwards. HOLCOMBE. + +VI. + + _Philip Renwick to Charles Holcombe_ + (_wire._) + +Good boy. Funeral 11.30. Train Paddington 10.5. Lunch 1.30. Draw 6.30. +PHILIP. + +VII. + + _Charles Holcombe to Philip Renwick._ + Room 83, P.Q.R. Offices, + _14th August._ + +MY DEAR PHIL,--I regret that I was forced to leave somewhat hurriedly +after the game last night. I have nothing to add to what I told you at +lunch as to the identity of the Paddlewick Spofforth with my chief, of +whose sporting talent I was in ignorance. But if you should hear of a +good berth going anywhere I should be extraordinarily grateful. + + Yours ever, + CHARLIE HOLCOMBE. + +P.S.--It was doubly unfortunate (in a way) that I should have scored a +six and three fours in one over from his bowling. + + * * * * * + +OLD STYLE AND NEW. + +I.--OLD STYLE. + +_He._ Has anyone seen the paper? + +_She._ I haven't. + +_He._ Didn't it come this morning? + +_She._ Very likely not. The boy often forgets it. You're the only person +who ever looks at it. + +_He._ Well, I suppose I must wait till I get to the Club; but I dare say +there isn't anything that matters in it. + +_Or_ + +_She._ Have you done with that paper, my dear? + +_He._ Absolutely; there's nothing in it. There never is. I can't think +why we waste money in taking it. + +_She._ Then perhaps I may have it for a pattern? + +_He._ Why, certainly. I've no use for it. + +II.--NEW STYLE. + +_The whole family_ (all together). + +{Has the paper come yet? +{What's the news? +{Where's the paper? +{What about Liege? +{I say, where's the paper? +{Isn't the paper here yet? +{What's the matter with the people? + +_Or_ + +_The whole family_ (all together again). + +{I say, father, you might read quicker. +{Can't you tear it in half? +{Do tell us the news. +{Do read it out loud. +{What about Liege? Quick! +{Oh dear, why don't we have ten copies of it? + + * * * * * + + "The 'Daily Telegraph' Algeciras correspondent, wiring yesterday, + says news from Gibraltar reports a naval fight off the Canaries. One + of the latter was sunk and the other captured and brought to + Gibraltar." + + _Liverpool Evening Express._ + +Our own canary protests indignantly at this treatment of its allies. + + * * * * * + +In order to be in the very admirable fashion the L.C.C. has decided, we +understand, to change the name of Jermyn Street to Jellicoe Lane. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE LOCAL TOUCH. _East Anglian._ "TELL YOW WHAT THAT IS, +SIR: THAT THERE KAISER 'E 'ONT NEVER BE SATISFIED UNTIL 'E'S RUINED +MUDBOROUGH." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: A BRAVE MAN. "LARGE LAGER, WAITER." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +MR. DORNFORD YATES, whose name I seem to recall as a contributor to the +magazines, has written a book of the most agreeable nonsense which he +has called _The Brother of Daphne_ (WARD, LOCK). For no specially +apparent reason, since _Daphne_ herself plays but a small part in the +argument, which is chiefly concerned with the brother and his love +affairs. This brother, addressed as _Boy_, was a bit of a dog, and an +uncommonly lucky dog at that. The adventures he had! He apparently could +not go out for the simplest walk without meeting some amiable young +woman, divinely fair and supernaturally witty, with whom he presently +exchanged airy badinage and, towards the end of the interview, kisses. +What distressed me a little at first, till I tumbled to the spirit of +the thing, was the discovery that the charmer was always a fresh one, +and in consequence that these osculations had, so to speak, no +matrimonial significance. Perhaps, however, _Boy_ recognised an +essential similarity in each of his partners. He may, for example, have +been deceived by the fact that they all talked exactly the same Dolly +dialogue--light, frothy and just a little more neatly turned than is the +common intercourse of mortals. You know the kind of speech I mean. It is +vastly pleasant and easy to read; but I must decline to believe that any +young man could have the amazing fortune to meet fifteen pretty girls +who all had the trick of it. Still, that by no means lessened my +enjoyment of an entertaining volume, notice of which would be incomplete +without a word of praise for the illustrations of Mr. C. W. WILMSHURST, +a favourite black-and-white artist of mine, whose name is unaccountably +omitted from the title-page. + + * * * * * + +If DOROTHEA CONYERS knew as much about English syntax as she does about +Irish, and were as certain in the handling of a story as she is in the +conduct of a horse, _Old Andy_ (METHUEN) might be taken at a single +refreshing gallop. As it is, I advise the reader to tackle it piecemeal, +a brisk run here and there, followed by a considerable breather. For the +novel is put together in a scrambling fashion, being full of repetitions +of almost identical scenes and making very little definite way in a +forward direction. There are the usual Irish peasantry and farmers who +worship the horse for pecuniary and sentimental reasons, as the +Israelites worshipped the golden calf; the usual hunting people, who +either ride straight and are grimly sarcastic or talk very big and go +for the gates; and the usual English visitors, who astound by their +guilelessness and simplicity when confronted by aboriginal horse-copers +and native bogs and stone-walls. If cubbing be included, I should be +afraid to say how many meets are described in this book, or how many +hunt-breakfasts and heavy teas in Irish interiors--interiors of +cottages, of course, I mean--resulting in how many tricky deals and +harmless tosses in the heather and the mud. But if you follow my lead +there is plenty of pure joy in _Old Andy_, and the most and the best of +it perhaps is to be found in the remarks of grooms, servant-girls and +casual country folk, who as often as not have no kind of connection with +the thread of the tale. "'If meself an' the Masther wasn't rowlin' rocks +all the day yestherday, he would be within long ago,' replied the +covert keeper." "If there is one rabbit with a skinned nose there's a +hundther, an' they runnin' by mistake to the door they're used to be +at." Such scattered flowers of speech abound in a book whose very want +of construction is perhaps symbolical and a reflection of the charming +incoherence of the Irish mind. + + * * * * * + +It is my painful experience that, when a novelist sets out to write a +tale of English country life, the better he is at the job the more +sombre is the finished product. Mr. GEORGE STEVENSON is very good indeed +at his job; he has sincerity and power, and a certain austere aloofness +that will take him far; and the result is that _Jenny Cartwright_ (LANE) +is about as gloomy a story as ever I read. Above everything else, what I +noticed about this book was its freedom from all straining after effect. +Whatever takes place, I fancy Mr. STEVENSON saying, do not let us be +sentimental about it. Half the characters in the book seem to come by +violent ends; of the two chief women, one commits suicide and the other +is hanged. Mr. STEVENSON, one can only suppose, speaks of life as he +finds it. There are really two stories, that of _Beatrice Barrington_, +the faithless wife of _Sir Philip_, and the dreary mockery of life up at +The Court, with its hatreds and subterfuges, its crippled master, +frightened children and spying servants. This is the county as the +author sees it. Linked with this is the life of the farm, where _Jenny_ +is brought up by an uncle who hates her; where she tends his bedridden +wife; where her cousin _Beatrice_ goes wrong; where _Beatrice's_ +betrayer is killed in an accident, and her baby falls into the fire; and +where finally the dour uncle himself, after shooting the young squire +who has offered dishonourable addresses to _Jenny_, allows her to pay +the penalty of his crime. There is undeniable strength about the book +and it holds the attention; but I dispute the right of anyone to call it +cheerful. + + * * * * * + +CYNTHIA STOCKLEY has the writing quality in her; she can both see and +feel; she can do man-talk with a plausibility beyond the reach of most +of her sex; and she works with a refreshing dash and freedom. With a +certain carelessness also sometimes; as thus: "The other, turning to +run, got a shot in his leg that put him out of business, but in spite of +which he managed to crawl away." And there are little kakophonies, such +as: "He was loved, openly and gladly, back." The work is good enough to +make worth while the cleansing of these defects. The author certainly +puts into a short story more thought and characterisation than is common +in these days of half-hours with even the best authors through the +medium of magazine pot-boilers. _Wild Honey_ (CONSTABLE) is the title of +the first (not quite the best) of an excellent bunch. It sums up the +bitter-sweet of South Africa, which is the setting of all these stories +of love, adventure, horror and the wild. They give a strong impression +of fidelity of draftsmanship, though here we know so little that is +intimate of the dark continent that we cannot judge how far actual +occurrences are based on fact or probability. But CYNTHIA STOCKLEY has +some of the mysterious qualities of a possible South African laureate. +Perhaps she will contrive to put away a little weakness for tall and +scornful aristocratic women; but, in any case, I can commend her book +confidently to all intelligent beach-haunters. + + * * * * * + + "The price of bread has just been fixed by the authorities at 32 + centimes the kilometre."--_Globe._ + +So you can get a couple of yards of French roll for about +half-a-farthing. Not bad for war-time. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, August 19th, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 147, AUG. 19, 1914 *** + +***** This file should be named 26969.txt or 26969.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/9/6/26969/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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